THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 SAMUEL SAWBONES .'M.D 
 ON THE KLONDYKE 
 
 BY 
 
 HIS NEXT BEST FRIEND 
 
University of California Berkeley 
 

THE 
 
 DECLINE AND FALL 
 
 OF 
 
 SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D., 
 
 ON THE KLONDIKE. 
 
 BY 
 
 HIS NEXT BEST FRIEND. 
 
 FULLY ILLUSTRATED. 
 
 THE NEELY COMPANY, 
 
 PUBLISHERS, 
 NEW YORK. CHICAGO. LONDON. 
 
Copyright, 1900, 
 
 by 
 
 ARTHUR CHESHIRE NEELY 
 
 in 
 
 the 
 
 United States 
 
 and 
 Great Britain. 
 
 All Rights Reserved. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 WHO ever reads a preface? Every one who wants to 
 read intelligently and with profit. 
 
 Let the "gentle reader" attend, then. 
 
 The romance of this book may not merit criticism. The 
 abrupt sentiments and lectures of Dr. Sawbones may not 
 meet with the approval of the public. Nevertheless, they 
 are the firm convictions of the author. And if the public 
 does not like them, it has its refuge : let it throw down the 
 pages and pass on. 
 
 Concerning the El Dorado of the far Northwest, the au 
 thor knows whereof he affirms. He has paid his price for 
 the information. 
 
 He is aware the Klondike (aboriginally "Trondik") is a 
 threadbare subject to-day, but the early history has been 
 told under circumstances and pressures that made it quite 
 imperfect. Now we can revise it dust it up and reclothe 
 it so as to make a nice new picture, which quite likely 
 will please you. He is not writing of the Klondike of to 
 day; most items are of the season of 1897-98, the famine 
 winter. 
 
 The comments upon Canadian justice on the Klondike 
 are mildly drawn. If you are of contrary opinion after 
 reading this book, interview the author personally and 
 he will convince you there has been no abuse. 
 
 It has been suggested that because of the similarity in 
 the situations of the Canadians on the Klondike and the 
 Boers in South Africa, our sympathies ought to go with the 
 Boers. On the contrary, for the same reasons we con- 
 
iv PREFACE. 
 
 demn the Boers. However, there is this distinction: while 
 the Klondike was pioneered and developed by Americans, 
 who then were kicked out, the Boers themselves had pio 
 neered and developed their own country and should be al 
 lowed some license in making their own laws. 
 
 The author, moreover, wishes here to announce a broad 
 distinction between the Canadian and its mother country 
 or English Government. The Klondike has purely a 
 Canadian rule, which the mother country is not responsible 
 for. The laws themselves are not so much the matter of 
 complaint as is the administration of them, which is so 
 corrupt that Englishmen and Scotchmen join hands with 
 the Americans in disgust and revolt. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 A Fair Prisoner 7 
 
 Samuel Sawbones, Esq., M.D 13 
 
 Early Alaska Diggings 23 
 
 Fort Get There 36 
 
 The Lower Yukon Country 41 
 
 On to Dawson , 46 
 
 Circle City 48 
 
 Dawson on the Klondike 51 
 
 At Home on the Klondike 128 
 
 A Mining Tragedy 131 
 
 Items 136 
 
 Canadian Boers 167 
 
 Samuel Sawbones His Lecture 174 
 
 The Fall of Samuel Sawbones, Esq., M.D 192 
 
THE 
 
 DECLINE AND FALL 
 
 OF 
 
 SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 
 ON THE KLONDIKE. 
 
 A FAIR PRISONER. 
 
 THE wildest of the wild West territory has, as has the 
 most Puritan State, regularly appointed court jurisdic 
 tions. In an embryo city thereof the district court is 
 convened; the judicial machinery has in charge a fair girl 
 prisoner, while a curious populace attends to witness. Or 
 dinarily this camp did not honor the court proceedings 
 with its presence. The overhanging spurs and peaks of 
 the great Eockies are more important, more interesting, 
 for in them are the gods of these people gold and silver ; 
 and to them are they devoted, and they believe more in the 
 justice dealt them by their magic 3 7 77 .than in that 
 dispensed by the Pilgrim courts. But this prisoner being 
 a girl, the gallantry of the vigilants refused them jurisdic 
 tion over her. Moreover, the charge was incendiarism, a 
 crime from which many had suffered. 
 
 The history of the prisoner is this : She is the sole one 
 of a numerous family. The greatest monster, among dis- 
 
8 TEE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 ease the chiefest scourge among mankind had carried 
 away father and mother; one by one brothers and sisters 
 approached a given age and disappeared in accordance 
 with strict orthodox heredity. Herself had drunk spruce 
 teas and slept upon pine-bough beds of the north coun 
 tries and had bathed in the fumes of the tar vats of the 
 Carolinas and possibly with benefit. She had listened to 
 the appeals of algerenes on the southern coast of California 
 and there endured quarantine, exile, as instituted against 
 "one-lungers" (so facetiously termed) by their hosts. She 
 may have wished herself dead, only wishing does not bring 
 death more readily than it brings wealth. However, our 
 prisoner had wished herself in the Eocky Mountains, for 
 in crossing that range she had experienced charms that 
 held her aloof from physical ills and mental strains. She 
 felt herself nearer heaven than her dreams ever approached. 
 So it came that she inhabited this camp, nor was it a mis 
 take in her. The lightness of the air at once put her lungs 
 to extra duty extra expansion to insure a full oxygen 
 supply. Development, enlargement, follow as does in 
 creased functions. The excessive dryness of the air we 
 breathe, by its rapid power of absorbing moisture, keeps 
 diseased lungs free of obstructions, free to heal. 
 
 "Fat and fair" was the verdict in favor of this girl's 
 migrating to the Rockies. The universal one-story mock 
 front building of our early mining towns prevailed here, 
 ;uid only one building of the dignity of two stories lined 
 the main street of the place. In this our subject had lately 
 made her home. The second story was somewhat an aris 
 tocratic perch, yet she had no envious neighbors to make 
 her life spicy. 
 
 Summer-time had come and quiet reigned at midday; 
 shade and leisure were sought rather than trade and ex 
 citement. The prisoner now in the dock then sat in her 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 9 
 
 palace gazing out upon the waste the drear blank roofs 
 stretching into distance ; the so-called zephyrs of these parts 
 swept down off the mountains, fanned her drooping lashes, 
 and bronzed her mellow cheeks. Suddenly a cry of "Fire" 
 startled the denizens of the camp, but it startled not this 
 maid, though the smoke and blaze raged upon the roof di- , 
 rectly underneath her gaze, and she must have perished 
 only that a pair of strong arms bore her down and away; 
 and the winds scattered the brands, the brands fired more 
 and more of the town until little was left of it. 
 
 Then the populace was as raging as the fire. No little 
 cloud of suspicion hung over this girl prisoner, but a dark 
 hurricane of conviction swept down upon her. No one was 
 to dispute the origin of the fire. The roof underneath her 
 gaze was the starting-point, and no fire for days had been 
 kindled within the building upon which it started nor in 
 the adjoining neighboring ones. There was no way to ac 
 count for it save coming from human hands. The girl's 
 own confession tended to conviction. "I was sitting in my, 
 window in a deep reverie which carried me back to the past 
 and the lost ; then from the roof underneath leaped a daz 
 zling light; then chaotic shadows reveled as it were be 
 fore my eyes. I was chained with intense, unutterable 
 agony was riveted helpless to the spot, while the fury and 
 the furnace heat, the choking fumes and damning odors of 
 unearthly things overcame me." 
 
 This camp could not comprehend the spirituelle of the 
 unusual organization in their midst. The trance she was 
 thrown into by the glare and the roaring of the fire raging 
 underneath was quite unintelligible to them. She ap 
 peared to them only a parcel of deviltry. Well that the 
 victim was a woman, of the vigilants would have grown 
 a new crop upon the hangman's tree ere morning. 
 
 Now, we turn to the court the trial. The whole legal 
 
10 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 array at this sitting is the judge and the prosecuting at 
 torney. The few friends of the defendant thought it use 
 less to procure her counsel; there appeared to be no de 
 fense. 
 
 There happened to be in the camp a medical practi 
 tioner from one of the few colleges which require a re 
 spectable preliminary education to be followed by a long 
 and severe course of medical study. In this we find neces 
 sarily ambition, honor, dignity, attendants upon a thor 
 ough education in any calling. This doctor had had the 
 prisoner as a patient once and he knew her composition. 
 He was capable of looking down through her eyes into her 
 heart and reading what was there. He could comprehend 
 the dreamy, impressionable nature which would account for 
 her visionary tale, and he could account for the fire, yet 
 not prove it. Doctors need be thinking, reasoning creators, 
 but work in quiet. Now and then you find one to brave the 
 working force of the District Court, but in such case weigh 
 well his bravado against his profound conceit ; for how can 
 the quiet, untutored mind buffet with the law which usu 
 ally respects itself more than all else justice, humanity, 
 religion, virtue? The charge to the jury was brief and 
 fatal. A prosecuting attorney with learning, conceit, and 
 ambition never sees a heart nor a soul nor a virtue in his 
 prisoner. 
 
 By exclusion this prisoner must be the author of this 
 fire. No other resident was near, no flying sparks from 
 passing engines, no forest fire communications, no neigh 
 boring chimney in use, no storage-room from whence could 
 spring spontaneous combustion, no nests for rats or mice 
 to ignite stray matches, no friction of timbers, no fire 
 bugs abroad ; only the proprietor with his handful of loafers 
 in the store underneath, and this prisoner overhead occu 
 pying the only possible communication with the flames 
 
I 
 
THE FAIR PRISONER. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 11 
 
 and witnessing them with apparent delight and fierce in 
 terest. The wise twelve have no alternate from the ver 
 dict "Guilty I" 
 
 In the closing scene of this trial was observed a man 
 with a basket. Nothing was observed, for he simply 
 walked up the south aisle of the court-room and careless- 
 like placed the basket upon the window-sill. The doctor 
 at the same time strolled from out the throng and as quietly 
 adjusted the basket in the full glare of the sun. 
 
 In these rocky regions the sun is expected to shine every 
 day. When a picnic is announced it goes. When a doc 
 tor orders his patient sunshine and exercise he expects 
 to meet him or her out in the street every one of the 
 three hundred and sixty-five days of the year. Well, the 
 doctor further arranged some contents of the basket, then 
 drifted toward the prisoner's dock. A brief spell. The 
 jury is polled, the Court is settling down to the neces 
 sity of a sentence, when suddenly there is a startling re 
 port and a series of explosions, a riotous smoke and flame, 
 and a tumultuous rushing and tumbling for doors and 
 windows. In the throng amid the shrieks, the uproar, 
 the frenzy are the Court, his officers, the jury, the multi 
 tude. When quiet was restored the culprit was not in 
 sight. We may guess how she had been spirited away, 
 whose strong arms rescued her from the strong arms of 
 the law. 
 
 The next edition of the News contains the following 
 letter from Dr. Samuel Sawbones: "The tragic finale of 
 the criminal trial yesterday was simply a sentence where 
 it belongs a confusion of law-givers who unscrupulously 
 presumed upon justice without knowing where it should 
 rest. The basket in the window contained only a lot of 
 combustible material of loud report, of big smoke, and 
 illusive blaze. The explosion was caused by a piece of 
 
12 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 glass, the form of convex lens or sun glass, which we all 
 know focuses the sun's rays so that they may create 
 many degrees of heat and produce combustion readily of 
 all inflammable substances. In this case I had only the 
 bottom of a tumbler which happened to be thus convex, 
 or sun-glass shaped. I had it placed in position to catch 
 the sun's rays in the window and only in a few minutes 
 did it set on fire the contents. Now, this experiment 
 was not to stampede the Court and rescue the prisoner, but 
 to prove the prisoner's innocence. It was an exact coun 
 terpart of the fire on the roof which proved so disastrous. 
 Previous tenants of her room overhead the fire had cast 
 upon the roof perhaps broken glasses and bottles. When 
 it happened that the sun had shifted into position or 
 accident had shifted the glass into position for creating 
 the requisite focus, then did the concentrated rays burn 
 into the roof and start the blaze. 
 
 "The Court should know as well as I that this girl 
 prisoner could not be the author of the fire. The vir 
 tues should not be so nearly extinguished in men by 
 their every-day calling as to make them incapable of 
 divining graces in a girl whose soul shines out of her 
 eyes and from whose heart purity springs as a flame. 
 
 "I am afraid the shock of the late unpleasantness 
 will so have shocked my poor patient's nerves as to make 
 it imperative for me to abide round about her therefore 
 excuse my sojourning further among you." 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D . 13 
 
 SAMUEL SAWBONES, ESQ., M. D. 
 
 SAMUEL SAWBONES, ESQ., M.D., was born in one of the 
 Dutch counties of Pennsylvania. He was born of not poor 
 yet of respectable parents many years ago, even before the 
 War of the Kebellion. He -was raised in that atmosphere 
 which prevailed a century, then dispersed, leaving the old 
 Keystone State nothing more than a common heritage, 
 leaving it without a power or influence; and indeed that 
 she is so left is good, judging from its present corruption 
 and what might occur were it as of old "As Pennsylvania 
 goes, so goes the Union." The philosophy of old Ben 
 Franklin was the dynamo of that prosperous, healthy cur 
 rent which made the old State once reign. Poor Richard's 
 Almanac is out of print and alas ! for the politics at least 
 of the old Keystone State. 
 
 But Samuel Sawbones received the full current of Poor 
 Richard's sayings and can boast that he was brought up 
 in the way he should go. "Honesty is the best policy" 
 that went without saying in his time. "Early to bed and 
 early to rise" he did not need the curfew to ring; the 
 wealth and the wisdom of the day were too evident. "He 
 that by the plow would thrive, himself must either hold 
 or drive," was scrupulously his guide from the earliest day 
 that he drove the cows to pasture up to the present. 
 
 Samuel grew and gathered a little wisdom here, there, and 
 at various institutions of learning, until in time he hied away 
 to the university of the State, where he was puffed up full 
 of medical lore and burdened with a great green box where 
 in was delegated him to kill, to cure, as best fitted his skill. 
 
14 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 He left, alas! not with arras full of bouquets from his 
 graduating platform nor with a great big bright star pinned 
 to the way-off future ; for two of the shining lights of the 
 great institution had said: "Let your walk and conversa 
 tion be such that all cardiac impulses remain undisturbed, 
 that no nervous sensations arise to unbalance its equilib 
 rium !" Oh ! oh ! my poor boy ! That means you have 
 some very serious heart disease. In accordance therewith 
 Dr. Sawbones paraded his new silk graduating hat around 
 the square and no further than in which lived his father. 
 He gave up eating his mother's doughnuts and took to 
 baby foods. And he broke off with his best girl to avoid 
 the excitements that must necessarily occur with a sweet 
 heart. After moping a time the good in the man began 
 to assert itself. "Die or not, it is no reason why in the 
 interim I should not be dispensing the profound knowl 
 edge within me why others should be dying through 
 want of the saving influence of my vast store of medical 
 resources." Then he set himself to work in a little hamlet 
 to cure the ills therein, but his success was so unpropor- 
 tionate to his conceit that he wished the prognostications 
 of the wise professors might be hurriedly verified. He 
 even joined the baseball club and played third base for 
 them. This may have been for one or two reasons. He 
 began to fear for the prognostical virtues of his old in 
 structors, of whom he entertained the greatest admiration, 
 in whom he had undying faith. Then how near fame it 
 would be to be heralded "Out on the third;" "the third 
 baseman, Dr. Samuel Sawbones, of the Schloppindekop- 
 plehoopinturtles, fell at his post," etc. Is it strange to 
 Bay Samuel grew strong at baseball, fattened at a starving 
 practice? Indeed, if the truth must be told at the expense 
 of the dear old Alma Mater, the heart disease disappeared 
 to the extent of leaving Dr. Sawbones not a vestige of 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES. M. D. 15 
 
 excuse for not being as other men. Yet his start in life 
 was blighted. However, full of the electrical current 
 generated by Franklin, full of ambition and energy, he fell 
 to with heart and hand to make that light which he con 
 ceited was within him so shine that all the world would 
 witness. 
 
 Though it would appear that there must be some Dutch 
 blood in Samuel Sawbones, it is not quite proven. Ho 
 once pressed his uncle for data, hoping to prove he might 
 be a son of a descendant of some other descendant of the 
 Revolutionary War. "But," said the seer, "you know 
 many Hessians came over to fight in that war, not for, but 
 against us. These chiefly deserted and took up their abode 
 in Pennsylvania, where they became useful and thrifty 
 citizens. I would advise you to not push inquiries as to 
 pedigree. You might strike this source." 
 
 At any rate, Sawbones was lacking in the thrift of the 
 Dutch of his nativity, and while they were building im 
 mense three-story bank barns, painted red, and miles upon 
 miles of worm fence, he was souring upon the scant vege 
 tables they traded him for fees. He moved to the Alle 
 gheny regions and there tried a race of life with the kill- 
 deers, but he found them carrying knapsacks over the 
 buckwheat fields he was traversing with saddlebags. Then 
 in his agony he said: "Why was it my old infirmity did 
 not work the allotment of my old professors? Their suc 
 cessors say high altitude kills rapidly the victims of heart 
 disease." 
 
 So it occurred that Samuel Sawbones, M.D., flaunted 
 hr: shingle in one of the high-altitude towns of the 
 Rocky Mountains so high that if the world happens 
 again to be drowned by a flood you people down on the 
 coast will be two miles under water before it wets our 
 feet. 
 
16 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 Still more strange things are to be recorded more 
 strange, however, to the medical profession than to the 
 laity. The high altitude did not kill off Samuel nor 
 did it make his heart disease worse. Added to the alti 
 tude was a great deal of excitement and of violence by 
 way of exercise and exposure. When the doctor found 
 natural causes would not kill him, he gave up hopes of 
 dying, but did not despair, for he found life a little more 
 worth the living. When he got hold of a twenty-dollar 
 piece he did not find a Pennsylvania Dutchman there with 
 his thumb on the eagle pinching to make it squeal. He 
 kept a little diary when he learned that orthodox lectures 
 could not be made to always work orthodox. He ob 
 served that high altitude practically has no ill influ 
 ence over heart disease; that subjects of it live possibly 
 longer in the Rocky Mountain regions than elsewhere. 
 He can recite innumerable cases of very serious heart dis 
 ease who are as well as they were twenty years previous. 
 He can vouch also for the fact that hemorrhages, from 
 any and all causes, are no more frequent here, and he 
 believes them less dangerous, but of course the book 
 makers will say he is a great liar. Samuel began life 
 anew upon his advent in the new country. He climbed 
 to the miners' camps upon the highest spurs and peaks; 
 lie crossed the wildest ranges after victims to wintry 
 blizzards; he drove during the fiercest colds and storms. 
 Were it not that it might influence his veracity in other 
 more serious matters, I could tell of his having a night's 
 v/andering in which his bottle of sulphuric ether froze in 
 his pocket. However, we will not press you to believe 
 ibis, 
 
 Samuel Sawbones was here inclining the least little 
 bit to fame and fortune, and had he not been born under 
 the auspices of a very mean planet he no doubt would 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 17 
 
 yet be a leading medical light, with a fortune quite large 
 enough to buy him an office of honor and responsibility 
 in the gift of the people. But his composition, or maybe 
 only his endowment through the ruling of the afore 
 mentioned mean planet, led him to preach the virtues 
 instead of attending strictly to business, as were his 
 right-hand and his left-hand professional brothers doing. 
 He posted about him his old Poor Richard maxims. He 
 went so far as to pin up "Honesty is the best policy." He 
 put over the transom "Live and let live." Under the 
 graces was written: "And the greatest of these is char 
 ity." One day in the exercise of charity he drove his 
 gig over such fearfully rough country and at such a 
 breakneck speed as to develop that sneaking little dis 
 order appendicitis. Ever after, that little varmint kept 
 nosing about to annoy him no doubt the ruling of the 
 mean planet under which he was born. He had ob 
 served so much the fallacies of the wise men of the East 
 that here again he resolved to profit from personal ex 
 perience. Instead of nursing himself, wrapping himself 
 in warm flannels and crawling through the world on easy 
 coucL bv short relays and avoiding kicks and cuffs of 
 active life, he said: "I will do the other thing." 
 
 Capt. John J. Healey was writing glowing descrip 
 tions of the Yukon country; not of the Klondike, for 
 that region was not known, but of the country in general, 
 its prospects, possibilities, brilliant future. Captain 
 Healey pictured all the gold fields at present looming up 
 before us -^d never faltered in his assurance. Circle 
 City with its Birch Creek mines was raging; Forty Mile 
 was panning its thousands; and these were only pros 
 pecting camps. "Well, well," said Samuel. "Why 
 should I not go? My store of three-ply flannels brought 
 from Edinburgh town and too warm for this country 
 
18 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 will be just in luck up in the Alaska frosts." Let me 
 suggest that Dr. Sawbones was not looking altogether 
 toward the cure of his appendicitis when he was talking 
 to himself about Alaska. He had just pas.er! through the 
 storm written out in the first chapter. Now here we 
 might diverge again in the wrong direction if not ex 
 ercising due caution, for was it a fear of persecution by 
 an outraged foe the sadly vanquished legal authorities 
 or was it from fear of a hurt through the subject, the 
 object, of all that trial and that tribulation? Samuel 
 as yet has not confessed any interest in his fair patient 
 other than professional. The girl has not confessed any 
 interest in her doctor other than patient. 
 
 And how did it happen? Well, I don't know. Fool 
 ish things break out like fires spontaneously. Here the 
 girl is telling Samuel Sawbones that she loves him, ac 
 tually loves him, always did admire him for his good 
 ness and kindness, but now adores him for his eh his 
 lovely self! And Samuel, the big booby says: "Oh, 
 please don't. I am not good enough for such a lovely, 
 dear, good, angelic, sweet girl as you." Then they fell 
 to and discussed the practical side of the comedy. Dr. 
 Sawbones had his boxes and traps labeled for "FoTt 
 Yukon, on the Yukon River, Alaska, U. S. A., via St. 
 Michaels, in the Behring Sea." The girl (we have not 
 learned her name yet) is hanging out in one of the larger 
 cities of the Eocky Mountain regions. 
 
 "I will die, doctor, I know I will, when you leave me. 
 I will die of ennui." 
 
 "Yes, yes, I know you will, my goddess, but I will die 
 if I remain. My appendix oh, no I should remark 
 my field of usefulness is limited here, while the poor 
 Eskimo of Alaska is crying out in agony of his many 
 infirmities which I can cure ! Oh, hang it all ! you know 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 19 
 
 there is gold there, and it is 'gold!' 'gold!' ringing in 
 my ears. It is a gold wire to my nose that is pulling me 
 there. Now don't you see the devil that tears me away 
 from you?" 
 
 "And oh, dear doctor, you know I am going to die here, 
 and yet you tear yourself away. Were I a golden calf 
 you would stay and worship me I" 
 
 "No, no. I will go and open the way; then you must 
 come. You remember the ice palace at St. Paul, how 
 snug and warm and cozy it would be? I will build you 
 an ice palace on the banks of the Yukon; we will line 
 it with the furs of the caribou, of the wolf, and will 
 cover the floors with the robes of the moose and the skins 
 of the polar bears; then we will decorate it with nuggets, 
 and how happy we shall be !" 
 
 I wonder if Samuel did not tell his dearly beloved 
 that he would make a cozy corner for her wherein they 
 could do their wooing while the aurora borealis danced 
 before their eyes and vibrated its sympathy through 
 them? And did he tell her that she would have to eat 
 dried salmon and that she would have to draw water, 
 Eebecca-like, from a great deep ice well in the Yukon, 
 and that she must wear mucklucks and waddle like the 
 native squaws? Oh, Samuel Sawbones, have you not a 
 lot of sins of omission from that last interview? 
 
 "Still, dear doctor, since you know I am going to die 
 ill my loneliness can you not devise for me some relief 
 something to do?" 
 
 "Do nothing, do nothing, my dear child. Like our 
 grandfathers' and our great-grandfathers' girls, simply 
 be a girl as were they and await the dawn of your own 
 existence." 
 
 "Do not, please, pet me with those endearments you 
 play; upon the young girls whom you saw first in the 
 
20 THE DECLINE AND FALL OS 1 
 
 world and dandled upon your knee up to the present 
 
 voung ladyhood. I am Miss until you can 
 
 ebulate something original and pleasing as well as af 
 fectionate. To continue my plea, do I impress you as 
 one who might sit idle, dumb, for long months, simply 
 dreaming of the man in the moon which I take as the 
 same thing as a man Vay up in Alaska's frozen bounds? 
 Provide for me pastime, if only the work of typewrit 
 ing/' 
 
 "Ugh! Oh, no! Not that!" 
 
 "Why not that?" 
 
 "It will take more thaii words it will take a whole 
 lecture to say why not." 
 
 "Very well; give us the lecture." 
 
 "Possibly it will be good for you to get the whole 
 lecture; therefore you shall have it. I need not coin 
 reasons why you shall not engage in pursuits orginally 
 within the domain of man. These reasons are flagrant 
 and I only recall them to you. Please look at man's in 
 terest in you. You are not abusing poor man by steal 
 ing away from him his daily bread. He will not starve, 
 nor will he fail to provide means for a wife if he wants 
 one. But man working side by side with woman loses 
 his ideality, his veneration, his gallantry for her. He 
 comes to view her a fellow-being, a fellow-workman. 
 She returns the compliment, naturally; he is no lord and 
 master, she says to herself. Everything grows common 
 between them. They exchange common business phrases, 
 they gossip in common, and talk politics in the common 
 slang; religion is discussed until a common belief is 
 reached; domestic relations are criticised until a correct 
 conclusion is arrived at. Like plants take issue and 
 bearing from the pollen of the plants surrounding, so 
 does humanity take coloring from the associates. It is 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 21 
 
 not possible for woman to work and associate daily with 
 man and remain untainted by his free, independent moral 
 obligations. In business she imbibes his spirit of barter 
 and gain; in politics she enters into the corruption of 
 the campaign with the same cheers; in religion she 
 gradually accepts his infidelity, his easy virtue, his 
 free-love doctrine. The girl thrown with man through 
 her daily life helping in sharing his business, will in 
 years grow much the same religious, moral, social views 
 that are practiced and preached by him. Some monster 
 woman will say, 'And what if she should? 7 God forbid! 
 is all I have to say. Do not let the days of chivalry pass 
 by your dreams. You want the strong arm of a knight 
 about you, and it is the more dear if there for protec 
 tion than if for mating. It is very silly for a woman 
 to say or think she will excommunicate herself from mon 
 ster man. But we all know man's intercourse with man 
 leads, drags to a break in every one of the command 
 ments. We realize that all offspring must receive its 
 endowment for the keeping of the Ten Commandments 
 from a non-corrupt motherhood. A saint and a devil 
 may rear at least half their offspring saints. Above all 
 things, there is no need that you grow yourselves man 
 like. Inventions and its machinery are taking the bur 
 dens off man's shoulders while he may take it off yours. 
 He can best prepare the eat and drink; he can best make 
 your coat and gowns. He needs woman simply to per 
 petuate the race and supply him rest after the weary 
 toil. Give up the funny talk that you do not need man. 
 But he does not want a partnership in business." 
 
 "Dear doctor, do you not lead 'way off from type 
 writers and stenographers lead off to woman's rights?" 
 
 "No; for they are the elementary school of woman's 
 rights; professional women are its high school; 
 
22 THE DECLINE AND FALL Off 
 
 gruntled married women are the alumni of the institu 
 tion." 
 
 "Well, I know, oh, so many nice girls who are engaged 
 in typewriting that I would not object being classed with 
 them." 
 
 "Yes, I know a hundred good girls thus engaged, but 
 I know a dozen bad ones, and is not that a fearful per 
 cent, for innocent creatures to stray from ways of woman 
 hood? 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 23 
 
 EARLY ALASKA DIGGINGS. 
 
 PIONEERS to the lower Yukon, Alaska, were not wont 
 to go via the passes from the present Dyea and Skagway 
 and down through the lakes. They were in part afraid 
 of the treacherous navigation by boat, and lacked capac 
 ity by dogs and sleds, for the long journey more than 
 consumed their grub, while for want of dried fish their 
 dogs often starved, and for want of the dogs themselves 
 might starve. Dr. Samuel Sawbones, bag and baggage, 
 shipped aboard a steamer from the coast, and in three 
 weeks was in the mouth of the Yukon River bound up 
 that stream. His diary of the trip is neither funny nor 
 instructive. He found the natives on the bank of that 
 river paying penance through the same affections poor 
 white folks in the States were subjected to. Grippe was 
 shaking them out of their moccasins into the ice-bound 
 silent rest just the same. Of course he scattered his 
 pills and pukes from the charity chest. The experience 
 was interesting and the pay, we all know, is to come 
 in the by and by! As he arrived in the pay streak or 
 gold belt of Alaska he had his hobnailed boots electro 
 plated, that he might gather up nuggets in his walks 
 and wanderings. Of course he daily examined, but the 
 amalgam panned out nothing for a long season. Circle 
 City was swimming around like a flying Jennie. The 
 gold from Birch Creek was weighed out to the commer 
 cial companions, to the saloon keepers, and to the wenches 
 as the dogs packed it into town; then it flowed through 
 the freaks of the whirlpool and scarcely ever was at rest. 
 Thus the thousands one, two, ten, twenty from each 
 
24 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 miner gilded this city to a glory that red paint would need 
 bow down before. Birch Creek is summer diggings, bar 
 diggings, and miners had nothing to do the long winter 
 months save revel and pack their grub sixty miles out to 
 camp for summer work; this on their backs or with dog 
 teams, depending which upon the miner's temperament. 
 If a cheerful giver in his temple of worship, usually he 
 would about the ending of winter resolve himself into 
 a pack mule and grub his cache on Birch Creek. Samuel 
 fell into nothing not into any gold mines nor yet into 
 the fell vortex of the population. "Signs are promising" 
 was all he could write to the girl he left behind, and she, 
 poor dear, could only boo-hoo! over her dreary wait for 
 the cold, cold beyond. 
 
 But matters grew better and Samuel wrote his dear 
 such letters as only his loving, faithful fingers could 
 pen. It seemed from these that the frost of this arctic 
 zone drove all the warmth of his being from the surface 
 to his heart, and he poured it out to the girl. It was 
 foolish wooing, but poor Samuel was untutored. He 
 would say: 
 
 "GENTLE MAIDEN: The gold I am in search of slowly 
 fills my sack dust, much of it, and as foul here as in 
 this camp, in its use and influence as the foulest of 
 well-trodden dust of your streets; yet well sprinkled with 
 nuggets, which suggest a loftier sphere. These nuggets 
 measure in size and magnificence a degree which in 
 fluences one to worship them, yet not one of the great 
 est nor all together approaches thee, my own sweetheart, 
 in glory, brightness, in worthiness of worship, and I bow 
 down before them only second after praying for you." 
 
 And the dear, good thing would only answer in a more 
 distressed humor: 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 25 
 
 "Mr OWN" DEAR DOCTOR: Come home to me now. I 
 know the seventy degrees of frost will not freeze you; 
 I know the dust of that frozen North will not corrupt 
 you; but oh, my dear Samuel, your chief est hope, your 
 earthly pride and glory may elude you, may be dis 
 missed your sphere through sheer agonizing over your 
 absence and loving influence. Take pity on your chief- 
 est deske and strive to hold it fast. Temptations, too, 
 are strong about me, yet they only give me power while 
 your absence robs me of strength." 
 
 And no cooing in their wooing? Nothing like other 
 simpletons? Oh, yes, but that we leave out. Samuel 
 would try to excite a mite of jealousy by relating little 
 flirtations with the non-festive Eskimo maid, while his 
 little maid outside hinted from time to time of little sly 
 glances from leisure gentlemen of the town. Nothing 
 serious happened until one day Samuel received a type 
 written letter. It was pitiable to see the poor beggar 
 after that. A love-letter written on a typewriter! Yes, 
 in fact. It was full of endearments. It was a hot num 
 ber in so far as heat and fervor were usually exchanged, 
 but written on the typewriter ! Did you ever receive a 
 letter from your sweetheart so written ? No ! Then you 
 cannot know how much a blizzard it is to receive a love- 
 letter written upon a typewriter. You may contemplate 
 the position without my further discussing the horrors. 
 Poor Sawbones barely survived the shock, but as the win 
 ter season had closed in, leaving him till the next spring 
 without exchange of letters, he was by that time so far 
 recovered as to answer uncomplainingly. During the 
 winter he had stored up many passages and quotations 
 of love, many beautiful thoughts from the brains of other 
 men other fanciful, poetic natures. He had these set 
 
26 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 in order, arranged to do the most good and to express 
 in highest color one so placed as to be capable of loving 
 the little mouse which nightly nosed about his cabin and 
 stole his scant cache of sugar to paint such one's longings 
 and hopes. In addition was something of a business 
 resume. Then he added to the manuscript a little story. 
 
 One Byrne, a humorist of his own town, had preceded 
 him to the north, and they met at Forty Mile. Byrne 
 was successfully mining at the head of Forty Mile creek 
 and came to that camp for supplies. Byrne told him 
 of a former visit from the camp diggings to Forty Mile 
 camp. He proceeded thus : 
 
 "You know, several years back, every item of news 
 was mouth to mouth. Only a few brief months during 
 the summer brought letters or papers, and every man 
 was expected to be a public bulletin. Well, I had ob 
 served the popularity and the gracious standing the news 
 monger held in camp and resolved to profit by it. At 
 Forty Mile, a supply camp on the Yukon, I met a hun 
 dred old-timers miners here, as I was, for a supply. Of 
 course 
 
 "'Any news, Byrne?' 
 
 "'No; only as I came by the Forks there was a little 
 furore. They had had a fire there the night before. 
 You all know Belle Fawkes?' 
 
 "Yes, they all knew her, as she had been in this coun 
 try four years. 
 
 " 'Well, her cabin got on fire, and the next day noth 
 ing only a mound of charcoal and a little heap of poor 
 Belle's bones were to be found. And old Sykes, fore 
 most in the rescue, had one eye scorched out and is crip 
 pled for the whole mining season. We ought to take 
 up a collection for old Sykes.' 
 
 "Then thejr hung about my neck and plied me with 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 27 
 
 drinks and discussed a subscription for poor Sykes. 
 After a few beers the camp pried further into my in 
 teresting features of news-gathering, and I was compelled 
 to advance my popularity. 
 
 " 'At home, too, we had rather an unpleasantness. 
 You know, up there we have some of the old Montana 
 vigilantes. Well, they imagined they would die an un- 
 glorious death unless they created some new life within 
 themselves, so they lassoed poor Sourkrout Ben, who had 
 in reality cleaned up some of the caches while we were 
 at work. But poor Ben is shiftless and deserved clem 
 ency, yet the vigilantes would not extend it. They hanged 
 him, and I have in my knapsack the last will and testa 
 ment to send to his deserted family.' 
 
 "Of course the whole evening was made riotous, and 
 every man at camp extended me his hospitality for the 
 rest of my stay. Certainly each of these affairs was told 
 in detail and with variations so as to make a short story 
 long. Next day when lack of excitement afforded op 
 portunity I detailed some casualties from over the range. 
 
 "After this woeful detail I was not permitted to mush 
 a dog. My goods were loaded, my dogs fed on the fat 
 of the camp, and a perfect ovation was given me until I 
 was paraded many miles out on the trail toward home. 
 Of course before I was detected a great liar," concluded 
 Byrne, "other events were the subject of gossip and I 
 was not the least in disgrace." 
 
 In the spring-time, early in June, Samuel Sawbones' 
 epistles, manuscript, reports were on the trail, rushing 
 down the Yukon for the outside. And early in July the 
 loving missives, gossiping chatter, and personal notes of 
 Miss Nella passed the above in the Behring Sea on their 
 way. I will not pretend to note the reception at each end. 
 Dr. Sawbones had intuitiveness, latterly called mind-read- 
 
28 THE DECLINE AND FALL OP 
 
 ing, by which he accurately figured the new role of his 
 inamorata. She still was dying from sheer want of him, 
 from the absence of his love and affection and his soft, 
 sweet, tender care and his delicate, soothing professional 
 offices! But she had taken to stenography and typewrit 
 ing for a vocation. She had a position in a mining bro 
 kers' office and was well, rather shocked at first; yet so 
 shrewd, ingenious, interesting were the mining manipula 
 tions that she was compelled to admire the brains, the 
 spirits who conceived and executed the deeds, the plots, 
 the schemes. She inclosed the following duplicate copy 
 of one of her dictated letters : 
 
 "JOHN DOE, ESQ., Sourkrout Gulch. 
 
 "Dear Sir: Be prepared for a visit from some Eastern 
 capitalists who have in contemplation the purchase of the 
 property you represent for us. I hereby send you a sack 
 of gold-dust, which you will please shoot into or other 
 wise incorporate with the several exposed points of the 
 ledge. Do this carefully, as they have a pretentious ex 
 pert with them, and the price of the mine does not jus 
 tify our interviewing this expert. I also send you du 
 plicate ore sacks for samples; they will bring the corre 
 sponding sacks with them. Fill these with your richest 
 samples and have them ready in like trim to those they 
 may fill for themselves. While at lunch or at drinks see 
 that your most expert help makes an exchange of these 
 sacks. Much will depend upon this being skillfully done. 
 I need not, however, advise you in detail, as I know your 
 capacity for this work. Eespectfully, 
 
 "KlCHARD KOE." 
 
 Many things in this last series of letters pronounced 
 this girl as having a shade of the "New Woman." She 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 9 
 
 at first was seriously embarrassed in the atmosphere which 
 surrounded her, was dazed, and her conscience brought 
 her to confession, but later date exhibited the daily tinc 
 ture and consequent preservation of mind in all the duties 
 imposed frauds, delusions, villainies, ambitions, gam 
 blings, stealing, concocted and distributed through the 
 office. No, no. Not one hair upon her head was bent 
 upon any other than womanly virtues, and her tastes and 
 instincts rebelled against even mining slang; yet her 
 heart at one time would have broken to have been wit 
 ness of her fellow-creatures grasping, stealing one from 
 the other. But as the sailor boy partakes of the swagger 
 of all other sailors, the soldier parades in all the state- 
 liness of his whole battalion, the barber assumes the 
 power of quiz and gossip attained by no other trade, thus 
 must our heroine grow caste from the unscrupulous devils 
 usually engaged as "promoters'" in mining operations. 
 And she could intersperse her love-letters to Samuel with 
 "interesting" mining ventures and have no thought they 
 might crush his poor heart through her telling. But he 
 could smile over the following history she related to her 
 last knowledge, for he recognized characters. Three great 
 heads a quondam preacher, a quack doctor, and a de 
 funct banker perpetrated a steal from a colony of Penn 
 sylvania Quakers who seemed to be the greenest possible 
 community the party of the first part could discover. An 
 old worn-out placer digging in Seven-up Pete Gulch served 
 the decoy purpose. We had known it to be quite worked 
 out and abandoned years before. This syndicate (the 
 nice term assumed by themselves) squatted upon, resur 
 rected this "digging," flumed it, watered it, salted it 
 with boughten dust, and sold it to the Philadelphians for 
 a cash consideration of $75,000. This is not a big mining 
 deal and a rich syndicate could not feel it, but that sum 
 
30 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 invested in a mine that was not and could not be worth 
 $1,000 illustrates what fools some mortals are and what 
 rogues are others. The original syndicate was accorded 
 the management of this place, and after adding $80,000 
 to the original sum as developing fund the company was 
 sold out for the entire property of the company the 
 value of the sluice-boxes, one or two hundred dollars. 
 
 "Mr DEAR DR. SAMUEL SAWBONES: The turmoil of 
 this office makes writing else than of business a burden. 
 Out of the office my thoughts turn to you, yet my head 
 is racked by dictation of mammoth deals which won't 
 give way to affairs of the heart. Yes, I write to assure 
 you I await your calling. My duties here, I am aware, 
 do not meet your approval nor my associations accord with 
 your humor, but you will comprehend my clinging to it 
 when you learn the possibilities annexed. I have invested 
 in shares in the Bonanza Chief and hope ere long to pro 
 vide you what you deserve a position of wealth and 
 to allure you home again. I hunger for you when I 
 think of you eating dried fish spiced with icicles in the 
 arctic circle, with nothing to sweeten these save recol 
 lections of the past and anticipations of the future." 
 
 And with this letter poor Samuel's hot biscuits raised 
 swelled up in his stomach without need of baking powder. 
 He saw the autumn sun each day cut out fifteen minutes 
 more of the light, and he saw this star reaching away 
 from him, leaving more darkness in his soul. 
 
 "The damned mining sharks," remarked he to his 
 friend, "have hypnotized by their process of suggestion 
 the poor girl and are robbing her. Oh, how much more 
 honorable one's abode here among the untutored Eskimo 
 than among such evil spirits as these natives would exor 
 cise themselves of." 
 
SAMUEL BAWBONE&, M. D. 31 
 
 He did not lament, nor fume, nor fret. He wrote that 
 his dried salmon and canned foods were so seasoned by 
 her love that each meal was a feast, and that every dream 
 was as near heaven as perfect digestion could make it. 
 Samuel is not a great liar, but it is not the way in love 
 to abandon hope; therefore he should not exhibit despair. 
 He believes the true nature of woman is to be manipu 
 lated, grown, sculptured into any possible shape, or thing, 
 or end only necessary a skillful artist. He says: "Only 
 can this idea fail when there are anomalies in her anat 
 omy or degeneration in her nerve centers." And thus 
 their love progressed unprogressively while their lives 
 plodded on at full gallop. The excitement of the Klon 
 dike snatched Samuel up into its whirlpool, and the final 
 stampede of January, 1897, found him in its ranks. This 
 went from Circle City in great state. Circle's most mag 
 nificent women with gorgeous dog teams headed the pro 
 cession. The miners of Birch Creek district wintering in 
 town joined the stampede and gave it backbone ; only three 
 souls of three thousand remained in Circle City, and none 
 returned to tell the tale for long months after. From 
 this the Klondike was started on its record of world- 
 beater. 
 
 Very few of these original locators own a claim 
 or own a dollar. Also, many of the bonanza claims were 
 not paying, and the early birds did not all get good, 
 healthy worms. Dawson sprang up as the mining camp 
 center, and of course more life was exhibited here this 
 first season than on the mining dump. By the time of 
 the spring clean-up bonanza claim owner" did not mean 
 or read "gold king." Dr. Sawbones found it agreeable to 
 rustle, as was ever his wont and as was the law of the 
 planet under which he was born. No doubt he was sub 
 stituting his original ice castles by air castles, and these 
 
32 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 were to be built of dust nuggets of gold. No doubt he 
 claimed right, title, and authority to protect and cherish 
 the same femininity who so fast is growing in mind to 
 paddle her own canoe. Her last sad rites had been to no 
 tify him she had joined the woman's rights. Oh ! oh ! oh ! 
 
 "Good Lord have mercy upon not me, but her, poor 
 girl. No, this is not the influence of those bold, base 
 men, but of those half-breed women of her town. Oh, 
 yes, I can see the nasty things in breeches, for they must, 
 being doctors and lawyers and helpmates to impecunious 
 disappointed men, trudge about as we of course with 
 skirts overtop. Yes, I can see them fill her full of tomfool 
 truck which they emphasize 'woman's wisdom/ 'woman's 
 rights,' and so forth. Well, upon mature reflection it 
 amuses her and don't hurt me, so why should I wail? I 
 wonder, though, when she comes up here, if she will preach 
 or teach woman's rights to the native women, and I won 
 der how it would work among them? If Skookum Jim 
 comes home and finds his squaw has not chopped the wood 
 or carried the water and has partaken of her dried salmon 
 without a pow-wow, I wonder if he will not exorcise the 
 woman's right through a beating and a howl? Oh, well, 
 I will abide my time." 
 
 Thus spoke Dr. Samuel, but still he would not quiet. 
 He persisted in battering the woman's rights mantle with 
 such little nuggets as lay before him. It was cited, "Na 
 ture surrounds us with examples of female equality and 
 predominance," but he calls for cases. "The most in 
 dustrious and worthy among insect life the busy bee 
 has only a queen and no king." Ah, yes. And was this 
 beautiful queen ever known to diverge from the true fem 
 inine path that of procreating the species? No other 
 queen is so worshiped, so guarded, and all this through 
 instinctive adoration of motherly virtues. Not the least 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. S3 
 
 of their loving attentions is in the act of the hive keep 
 ing a platoon of bees ever and anon through reliefs, as 
 our soldier sentry, fanning the air within through a 
 process of vibrating their wings, thus securing a change 
 with the fresh air outside. So many nice things must be 
 told of the bee, but the nicest of all must be said of the 
 simple, matronly office of the queen. And why is not the 
 nasty venomous spider recited. The ruling spirit here 
 is the female. She towers above her mate in a degree 
 that leaves no question as to who is lord and master. She 
 finishes the necessary ovation for the furtherance of her 
 species with a hunger, rapacity, that only saves her mate 
 a disastrous end from his capacity to escape in flight. 
 There, yes, it lately has been discovered that the female 
 is the head, the leader in another animal colony. The 
 leader of a flock of wild geese is feminine. The flock of 
 chattering geese overhead ah, yes, we can easily com 
 prehend a female influence. The ruling power of only 
 poor silly geese ! "But more serious," announces Dr. 
 Sawbones, "we are approached with claims that woman is 
 the brighter orb, therefore should shine in the human 
 firmament, should lighten it. Should I say this is ig 
 norance or delusion? Deductions are drawn from sup 
 posed cases. Womankind mistake precocity for pro 
 fundity. The female is precocious. This exhibits early 
 in her teens when she outstrips her boy pard and over 
 tops him. From this springs her conceit. I will not dis 
 cuss why the Creator thought best to create us, but dis 
 cuss the fact as it stands. Like the short-distance horse, 
 the female distances the male in the teens. At twenty 
 she has accumulated all her charms and matured her 
 brain. Armed with a finished education and stored with 
 housekeeping experience, she is in her bridal gown waiting 
 for the youth who ten years before was in his coHege 
 
34 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 gown, who five years since was nailing up his professional 
 shingle or merchandise sign or opening his handiwork 
 shop, and now at thirty, the present time, presumes to lead 
 her a journey through what is left of life. She at twenty, 
 he at thirty, are fairly equal. She at thirty, he at forty, 
 are equivalent. She at forty, he at fifty, are beginning a 
 divergence. She at forty-five begins a halt; he at fifty- 
 five is in his mental prime and little past his physical 
 best. She at fifty is getting old and serves well only the 
 office of grandmother, while he at sixty, though a little 
 tottering in step, does his very best business. She at 
 sixty, seventy, eighty, except that she grows feeble in 
 body, runs a very level race. He at seventy is coming down 
 off his perch to meet her, and soon thereafter they are 
 traveling again hand in hand. Therefore, ye aspiring 
 maid, look well to this curve in the line of life. You 
 take an early beautiful leap up into your own horizon. 
 There you strive with a master for a few brief years more. 
 Then you must be satisfied with a basking in the sunshine 
 of the orb that has kept on and up satisfied until nat 
 ural exhaustion sheers it again within your path. No, 
 no. You cannot follow the life-curve of man. We will 
 allow many exceptions, but nothing that approaches a 
 rule, and on the general principle of breeding and hus 
 bandry these exceptions, these women who most approach 
 the mental capacity of man or, if you choose, who rise 
 highest in literary attainments should not be rushed off 
 into places which she may fill, but which have no demand 
 for her. It is fittest that she, too, should be devoted, 
 should be sacrificed, in the lamentable words of the so 
 ciety, to the improvement of the stock. It is only fool 
 talk to say that she can fill all the offices of men and all 
 the offices of women too. It is all well to grow our girls 
 into queens, but let us decree that they shall live to beget 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 35 
 
 kings. That the best bred should be equal in rights with 
 man because she is fit to fill his offices, leaving the feeble 
 to procreate the race, is not fair nor rational. It is use 
 less to argue that she can be judge, jury, lawyer, doctor, 
 politician, and mother too." 
 
 This season's clean-up on the Klondike reached the out 
 side with Samuel Sawbones' earliest letters, and while 
 these last may not have even started the heart of his 
 maiden, the gold fever of the Klondike did startle the 
 mining world. More than that, it started on the fool's 
 errand scores and thousands of all sorts of fools and 
 idiots and knaves, among whom was your most humble 
 servant. I say "fool's errand," because any and all per 
 sons except hardy, experienced miners who go on such 
 stampedes are either fools, idiots, or knaves. 
 
36 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 FORT GET THERE. 
 
 ONE of the trading posts at St. Michaels, in Behring 
 Sea, is known as Fort Get There. 
 
 Very appropriate indeed, for every voyager by sea to 
 the unknown Alaska sets his face first to Fort Get There. 
 Leaving the Pacific coast, there is only one little beam of 
 sunshine, Dutch Harbor, to cross the cheerless, chil^ 
 dreary sail before we get there. And then when I first 
 got there I wanted to get away without the waste of a 
 day's time. I never was in a place the whole of my long 
 life from which I wanted to get out, from which I wanted 
 to escape, from which I prayed to be delivered, so muca 
 as from Fort Get There, at St. Michaels this miserable, 
 mixed big Indian and little Indian camp; the big In 
 dians being the two trading company outfits and the 
 little Indians being the native Eskimos. 
 
 Well, I must go back to Seattle and get there later. 
 
 It is possible to make the navigation route to the Klon 
 dike one of comfort, one of interest maybe one of luxury 
 but the Yukon trading companies had not yet, in my time, 
 entered into the possibilities. They had quite too much 
 to do with impossibles. Of course we emigrants, scarcely 
 at sea, began regulations for the company transporting us, 
 but we were all dumped along the shores of the Yukon ere 
 we perfected any scheme said company chose to elect. 
 
 It would be nice in me to call ourselves prospectors 
 rather than emigrants, but I was seized with consternation 
 upon my first review of the ship's cargo. The brawny, 
 sturdy bone and sinew demanded by the fierce, cold, 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 37 
 
 rugged Alaska was scarcely an element in the mass of men. 
 We had yellow kids, Texas Jacks, blonds in bloomers, 
 scientific miners from the East, cowboys, slums, newspaper 
 correspondents, some Montana and California miners in 
 fact. The baggage was as incongruous as the human 
 cargo. Every one had a canvas bag, everybody had a gun 
 and knife and pipes with tobacco, tablets or diaries, cards, 
 a very few books, and fewer picks and shovels. One hun 
 dred and sixty passengers were carried on this boat with 
 passenger accommodations for twenty people. A reserva 
 tion on the second deck was held for the balance 140 
 souls: a space of 58 by 24 feet and a height of 7 feet. 
 This rookery served as beds, closets, smoking-rooms, and 
 gambling-dens. The nastiness from the combine and the 
 crowd is beyond any one's belief. Seattle harbor regu 
 lations ought to be ashamed of its office to have allowed 
 imposition upon a fool lot of humanity as we were like 
 the loading of this boat. But of course this trade, this 
 mass of men was sprung upon the company so suddenly it 
 had no time to prepare ! Yes, maybe we only are to 
 blame, and we will never do it again, I am sure. You 
 know what fools we mortals are and also how the glitter 
 of gold brings the fool out on us. 
 
 It may have been the conditions we were placed in 
 were causes for the drinking, gambling, and carousing 
 which was in keeping with the den of iniquity in its tem 
 poral sense the rookery in which we were encompassed. 
 
 One's experience should always have had his philosophy 
 as its pioneer, but his philosophy gained during the lux 
 urious college season seems to desert him during his buffs 
 and rebuffs from the fighting world. On this trip we do 
 not want experience, but cling hard to our philosophy. 
 Many comic things amuse us in the face of gambling, riot 
 ing, and languishing. None of us are poor devils driven 
 
38 THIS DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 to Alaska through poverty or to escape justice. On the 
 other hand, we are mostly business men and gentlemen 
 of leisure needing trade and change of scene. Of course 
 we all discuss the possibility of harvesting a little gold 
 while out. 
 
 The all-water route is a matter of 1,700 miles from 
 Seattle to Dutch Harbor, in the Aleutian Islands, a coal 
 ing station, and from there 700 miles east of north to 
 St. Michaels, on the coast of Behring Sea and near the 
 mouth of the Yukon Eiver in all a run of thirteen days 
 for our ship. The captain of the ship was supposed to 
 be a most excellent fellow, but lest some doubt might fol 
 low, a resolution vouching for all the good qualifications of 
 a sea captain was signed by one and all, thus setting at 
 rest forever any doubt or dispute of the matter. I men 
 tion this only because I would otherwise be distrusting 
 myself and relate a lot of little things which I thought 
 the captain did not do to make us happy on the trip. 
 
 ST. MICHAELS, August 21, 1897. 
 All the Yukon transportation companies transfer their 
 ocean cargoes to the river boats at this point. Further 
 south, 80 miles, is the mouth of the Yukon River, and 
 1,800 miles nearly east is the Klondike about a trip of 
 two weeks. On a nice summer day this nook from Behring 
 Sea called Norton Sound appears a very respectable har 
 bor. Arriving here, more startling news than the nuggets 
 of the Klondike was that people were starving in Dawson. 
 We held meetings always miners' meetings, of course 
 and discussed the grub question. The transportation com 
 panies would not carry us any freight and advised that 
 we go home. However, our eyes were on that star of the 
 East, the Klondike. We lay bucking, kicking, and swear 
 ing for thirteen days at Fort Get There, St. Michaels, 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 39 
 
 Norton Sound, Behring Sea, Alaska, waiting for our 
 transportation company to pack us from the ocean to river 
 boat and hie us on our way. We amused ourselves well, 
 no, not much. We trade a little with the Eskimos, 
 but they and their wares stunk so badly we feared quaran 
 tine at Dawson. However, we bought some things to kill 
 the worse smells of the rookery of our steamer. In the 
 midst of my perplexities the agent here had in the com 
 pany store with him a sort of coyote fellow, who says he 
 was once a trooper down in Montana, as clerk. We began 
 to get hungry already, even before the cold struck us, and 
 I asked: 
 
 "Mr. Coyote, can you give me some crackers ?" 
 
 "No!" 
 
 Later, being very hungry, I said: 
 
 "Mr. Coyote, please have you any cheese ?" 
 
 "No! no! Get out I" 
 
 Such fine little attentions from storekeepers go a great 
 way to make one's time pass pleasantly, and I would sug 
 gest to the N. A. T. Company to ship a cargo and scatter 
 them along their trading posts. They could be had in 
 Chicago, and no doubt a choice offered during a dull 
 packing season. 
 
 When you get to Fort Get There naturally you will 
 look about for the fort. Well, it is not here yet. There 
 is a Catholic mission established here and an Indian 
 camp of Eskimo Indians. Then there are actually a 
 dozen cannon in St. Michaels, about as big as those our 
 boys play with on the Fourth, mounted on wooden wheels 
 and pointing out into the harbor. Of course they won't 
 shoot. 
 
 About 800 people are at this date (August 21) floating 
 about in this bay, and the season is getting so late that 
 doubt exists as to the possibility of the trip. Nights are 
 
40 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 already getting cold. And are we not asses for continuing 
 on against the tide that begins? We already realize the 
 fact that we are asses, but until the novelty of being such 
 wears off we will not confess to it. 
 
 August 27 finds us transferred to the river boat and 
 headed up the Yukon. The waters are muddy, the shores 
 are wide-spreading levels with low brush, and the charac 
 teristic bog, icy bottom. Wood-yards and little Indian 
 villages are all that line the shores. The transportation 
 company trades for the wood, flour, calico, clothes, trink 
 ets, etc., and we passengers buy fur goods and novelties. 
 Tricky fellows have learned to trade trinkets, tobacco, 
 and edibles, whereby they can cheat poor Lo; others ac 
 tually steal from him, and some fool him in estimating 
 values of coins. I am ashamed to have to tell this, but 
 I have been ashamed of my company ever since having 
 left home. In good old Montana days we would here 
 have plenty of food for the vigilantes. I am almost re 
 solved that the love of gold has so enervated humanity 
 that not enough heroism is left in it out of which to 
 form a brave, true vigilante. Playing cards, betting, and 
 laying of hands upon his neighbor's goods seems to be the 
 chief end of man such men we are here hurrying to the 
 Klondike. 
 
 The natives of the Yukon have luxurious living this 
 season of the year. They have fresh and dried fish, wild 
 game, flour, sugar, and all luxuries to be traded for on 
 the boats ; and we find them dressed in all manner of ma 
 terials and with such fancies entirely as would not be 
 found among the civilized. I never saw them at meals, 
 but often found one or several sitting eating dried fish 
 with apparent relish. 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONE8, M. D. 41 
 
 THE LOWER YUKON COUNTRY. 
 
 SEVEN days out on the Yukon. This river averages 
 nearly a mile in width as far up as the present limit; it 
 is from four to six miles an hour in rapidity. Lately 
 we are surrounded by hills approaching the dignity almost 
 of mountains. These hills are covered in part by a grass, 
 yet chiefly by the moss peculiar to Alaska. Much of the 
 hills and the mountains have a low brush, and from that 
 various sizes of brush up to that of a small tree in great 
 ness. A special picturesque fir covers areas of the hill 
 sides and shades them dark green. The moss is of many 
 colors, much inclined to red; the brush are green, red, 
 and peculiarly yellow, not specially an autumn yellow, 
 but a born tint of yellow. There is a blending on the 
 shore of the Yukon of all these colors a transposition 
 of them purely as nature can bestow, which makes our 
 present view a wonderland. Two, four, six hundrd miles 
 thus far and no apparent finale is presenting us a picnic 
 not dreamed of even by the most enthusiastic delineator 
 of the most liberal of the romantic excursion routes of the 
 traveling public. It was indeed a wonderfully beautiful, 
 enchanting surrounding, a bewitching dream. We push 
 along this lower river day and night. The moon is up 
 about a foot above the horizon, where it appears sta 
 tionary the past four hours. The moon seems to have 
 become loony up here in Alaska. It has deserted its color 
 its bright, honest silver face, given up its argyle smile, 
 and shines with a bloated, bilious sallowness, an absolute 
 golden radiance. The heretic ! Everything inclines to 
 
42 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 yellow. I can state, however, that we are getting sick of 
 the monometallic currency as it strikes us here trading 
 with dust. 
 
 At this present stage we are in a furore. We meet the 
 company's previous up-river boat; it is coming back. 
 Low water has frightened it, and with its choice cargo 
 passengers and whisky it is on the back track, giving us 
 warning not to hope for the Klondike this season. We 
 rage, but we do not despair. The oldest inhabitant does 
 not recollect of low water before this season. 
 
 A little further on and 900 miles from the coast is 
 Minook City. We approach this and are offered oppor 
 tunity to winter here. A little mushroom of tents. We 
 are permitted grub at Klondike prices and guaranteed by 
 the city platters excellent mines on all sides. It is sur 
 prising to see how many and with what resignation they 
 step off here for the next eight months' incarceration. 
 No, thank you, captain. I will go on, and when your old 
 scow sticks in the mud I will paddle my own canoe on and 
 up. I however, bought a town lot in Minook. There are 
 some known mines in the vicinity, several of which pay 
 very well. There are prospects for more, and when all 
 the horde unloading spread prospecting we may have the 
 pleasure of recording a new Klondike. 
 
 Three hundred and eighty miles further in is Fort 
 Yukon. This is the region of low water. Our boat 
 promises to go on to that Indian camp of a dozen log 
 huts and a missionary. Nothing new to chronicle while 
 on this stretch save little incidents. We are eating our 
 meals with fingers in lieu of knives, forks, and spoons. 
 Our fellow-passengers who deserted us at Minook kept 
 no doubt meant as souvenirs all the tableware of the 
 boats, leaving us tin cups, tin plates, and fingers for 
 feasting ourselves from. They make no apologies and we 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 43 
 
 make no excuses for them, save that they learned the 
 necessity for self-preservation while journeying the past 
 four weeks. There is no picking for us, therefore will 
 not go and do likewise. 
 
 Stopping to wood the boat to-day, I beheld a scene pe 
 culiar to this stream. A queen of these shores, an Indian 
 woman gorgeously decorated with furs, came up the shore 
 with a dash, she at the helm not of state, but of her 
 bark canoe and a team of dogs at the line, making a dis 
 play as well as rapid transit. The said subject received 
 the munificent revenue of $32 for eight cords of wood and 
 began immediately to turn her coins of silver and gold 
 into luxuries: a gorgeous bandanna handkerchief, a bag 
 of crackers, yards of gay-colored prints, and will you 
 believe it ? a lot of soap ! 
 
 Here we are high and dry sure, though the river looks 
 big enough for a gunboat to pass up. A dozen cabins all 
 told is the real estate of Fort Yukon, owned by Indians, a 
 missionary, and the transportation companies. The In 
 dians are off fishing for the winter's grub, leaving house 
 and home vacant; but to-day not a cabin is lonely. We 
 have squatted into and upon everything like shelter. The 
 Indians may come home any day and scalp us, as we de 
 serve, but we are taking all sorts of chances in every 
 thing. Many passengers deserted their craft on the way 
 up the river and many more propose returning from this 
 point. Two dozen stop here, while the boat sails away 
 down to the sea ; stop here to be "Nearer, my god, to thee" 
 to the gold of the Klondike. We discuss the possibili 
 ties, which are these: poling up the river in canoes; wait 
 ing for ice and going up with sleds ; but we have no dogs. 
 Dawson is 4 D miles up, and twenty days with dogs will 
 land us. 
 
 We are here now a week waiting for something to turn 
 
44 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 up some heroic captain willing to force a channel through 
 the Yukon flats. The Indians are coming home and they 
 have grippe, true blue white folks' grippe, and one is dead 
 of it. Oh, their hideous crying dogs and babies ! Doll on 
 Alaska remarks: "The Eskimo, or rather the Yukon 
 Indian babies do not cry." Doll evidently is a great liar, 
 for these brats squeal and bellow equal to any little Cau 
 casian I ever was entertained by. 
 
 I had the pleasure to-day of meeting Mr. Whipple, dis 
 coverer of claim No. 1, Eldorado Gulch, Klondike. Mr. 
 Whipple was paddling his canoe down the river, with 
 Minook City his objective. He bought 200 pounds of 
 flour here to mend leaks in his winter stores. Likewise 
 he wished 50 pounds of sugar, but he had no sack, and 
 the trading store never furnish anything but the raw 
 goods. If Mr. Whipple were mining down in Montana 
 he would reach down and take gunny sacks from off his 
 feet and fill in his sugar, but here the miner learns to ac 
 commodate himself not only to the Indian squaw, but to 
 Indian dress, therefore nothing but moccasins are on his 
 feet. Mr. Whipple finally tied up the bottom of his over 
 alls and got away with his sugar. This simply illustrates 
 the accommodations met with in these Yukon trading 
 companies. This man Whipple, as before stated, staked 
 claim No. 1 at Eldorado, one of the best on the Klon 
 dike, and when only partly prospected sold out. He 
 took his few thousands, went into Dawson City, hired 
 all the dogs and sleds to be found and held a grand 
 carnival up and down Main Street, and waked from his 
 dreams a few days later broke. After realizing that a 
 magnificent fortune had been his, but was his no more, he 
 turned tail to the Klondike and hopes to mend his means 
 at Minook City. 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 45 
 
 We hold the fort, the old Fort Yukon! 
 
 No! I see the old fort holds us! 
 I fear we shall die in Fort Yukon 
 
 If we hold the fort or it holds us! 
 
46 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 ON TO DAWSON. 
 
 AH, we did do a lot of fretting, fuming, crying before 
 hurt uselessly, for here we are actually on our way again 
 to Dawson. The Bella, the beautiful Bella, beautiful not 
 because of gaudy colors and elegant lines, for she is any 
 old tub of a boat, but because she acts the good Samaritan 
 and picks us up from the wayside, and because Captain 
 Dickson took us stranded idiots by the hand and gave 
 us a boost on our quixotic adventures. Never a day be 
 fore loomed up so brightly, so happy, so auspicious. A 
 hundred-pound package was as light as our best loaf of 
 bread; the gangplank was as wide as the path to Castle 
 Luxury; the snow in the streets of Yukon was warm 
 even. We bid good-by to the remaining good souls with 
 feigned tears and are again on the dangerous shoals of 
 the Yukon River. We take the Eobber, that branch which 
 has last robbed the main stream of its feed, and we are 
 treated royally by the most gracious thief. Nothing was 
 left wanting in its kindness, and we are singing praises 
 even to the robber. Of course we will get there. Now we 
 eat, drink, and be merry, for there is no end to the 
 good things aboard the Bella. 
 
 This being the other steamship company, we had signed 
 certain stipulations for the favor, such as exonerating the 
 company from the usual dangers of the sea, starvation, 
 freezing, or capture by pirates. And most important was 
 to help wood the boat. At dusk the boat tied up on the 
 bank of the river, and we pilgrims bound to the unholy 
 land of gold had a little task of gathering in about fifteen 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 4? 
 
 cords of wood. Sometimes it was cut, again it was not. 
 Snow was deep enough, to hide the snags and fallen logs 
 and to pour down our necks and keep us from getting 
 too hot. Oh, yes, it was fun. We were "on to Dawson," 
 and any stick we could turn to roll us on was fun. We 
 had big lamps stuck about in the bush and we need not v 
 necessarily gouge our eyes out. There was enough snow 
 to make falling easy, provided you let your load of wood 
 fall the other way; and then you must not fall off the 
 gangplank into the river. 
 
48 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 CIRCLE CITY. 
 
 Two short days in rapid waters piloting in and about 
 bars, with gathering of wood along the shores for the 
 boat, and we were landed at Circle City, 80 miles up the 
 river from Fort Yukon. The gangplank was down, where 
 upon a delegation of "prominent citizens" boarded us. 
 Below in the boiler-room, among Eskimo dogs and Si- 
 wash Indians, they lined over and upon our luggage and 
 traps and read off their resolutions, and politely requested 
 our concurrence in said memorials. In plain, "What are 
 you going to do about it?" Captain Eay, of the United 
 States army, mounted a box of evaporated potatoes and 
 made a nice little speech, in which he tried to make them 
 believe they were good American citizens and that they 
 certainly could not mean to disturb the peace and break 
 the municipal laws of the growing metropolis, Circle City, 
 as also the law and Constitution of the great and glorious 
 United States. That now, after having acted their play 
 so admirably, they must go home and not rob the boat 
 take the bread and cheese out of the mouths of their neigh 
 bors, the good people on the Klondike who were hungry, 
 whose mouths have been watering a whole season for the 
 good things of this good boat's stores, who stretch out 
 empty hands for the same and return nuggets in thanks 
 giving. 
 
 A very nice, very eloquent, very proper speech he made, 
 appealing to justice, humanity, and loyalty. He, how 
 ever, made a serious mistake in appealing to patriotism, 
 for the chief speaker of the committee bounced the most 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 49 
 
 prominent pile of luggage, which happened to be* a keg of 
 assorted sweet pickles of Captain Bay's own importation, 
 and made the following back talk: 
 
 "We, the association now presenting, are the people, the 
 miners, the bone and sinew of Alaska. We are hungry; 
 w,e are thirsty. For weeks we are out of butter and eggs, 
 nor have we tasted of the Vienna sausage or Eochefort 
 cheese upon which I trample this present moment. The 
 year past we have had no milk for our tea and coffee nor 
 for our motherless kids nothing for them save dried fish 
 and the native Iceland moss. We are taxed $12 for our 
 flour, which is damaged beyond the relish of the Siwash 
 squaw. Our mines glitter with gold, but our stomachs 
 pale and shrivel from hunger and we lack strength to 
 pan out this. Those with food must carry it 70 miles to 
 the mines on dog sleds. The season is here. Duty to 
 themselves, their families, and to posterity confront them. 
 Their diggings, their homes, their healths stare at them 
 as grim specters. You must not forget, my dear captain, 
 my brilliant soldier, that we are American citizens, true 
 blue, breathing under the Stars and Stripes and hoping 
 to bleach our bones under the same. Here we see you 
 aid and abet this boat, this commercial company, in its 
 attempt to pass by your wards, your citizens. You allow 
 us to starve, desert us, in these far-off cold shores, these 
 mountain wilds, allow them to blockade, chill, freeze 
 our loyal blood, and for what? To carry bread and but 
 ter into foreign ports, into alien camps, to feed and re 
 lieve British possessions, to throw our lives and safety 
 away for men sheltered by the flag of Great Britain. Is 
 that the mission of you, representing the American States, 
 an officer of its grand army?" 
 
 Even Captain Eay acknowledged the justice and the 
 patriotism of the miners' meeting and meekly slipped 
 
50 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 out and off. The committee, without force or ceremony, 
 opened the hatch of the vessel and relieved us of thirty 
 tons of the best things in the ship's hold. This included 
 flour, bacon, beans, boneless turkey, butter, buckwheat, 
 canned luxuries, cheeses, etc. 
 
 On to Dawson September 26. 
 
 The river lessens, the distance lessens, the time lessens, 
 and now we feel safe to say we will get there, even though 
 the ice runs freely and the thermometer says five degrees 
 this morning. I keep cheering the captain by pointing 
 out to him that the wild geese still hold the country. 
 Therefore we must have some nice warm weather still 
 later. 
 
 The only settlement on the Yukon to pass is Forty 
 Mile. It is a Canadian post, but mostly settled by Amer 
 icans, while much of the diggings about the head of 
 Forty Mile are on tributaries from the American side of 
 the line. It is, however, insignificant to us, and we barely 
 touch there to get our exchange of mail. Sixty miles 
 more and we are there. 
 
 All hail to that smoky nook around the corner ahead! 
 Yes, 'tis the mouth of the Klondike and the city. City? 
 Well, 'tis Dawson. And we rustle and bustle for the 
 landing? Oh, no. We have little or nothing to land 
 save ourselves, and landing is like the landing of a herd 
 of cattle we must almost be driven off, for we know 
 /.ot where we go. 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 51 
 
 DAWSON ON THE KLONDIKE. 
 
 OCTOBER 1, 1897. Two days ago there climbed the 
 mighty Yukon and hove to at the wharf in Dawson City 
 a steamboat of several hundred tons burden. Upon the 
 first discovery of its smoke floating high over the banks 
 away down the stream the populace of the town and of the 
 Klondike on the other side of the river floated, then swept 
 out to the landing. The band came, too, and played 
 "The girl I left behind me," with other lively airs, and 
 while it played it looked to see if by chance the girl might 
 have come with other luxuries. The mounted police on 
 foot also came, slowly, as is their wont, but not to keep 
 order in the throng, for it was too enthusiastic, too wild 
 for restraint. 
 
 Cheers, hurrahs, and the chimes of a thousand Eskimo 
 dogs made the scene hideous. Fur caps were tossed and 
 parkees waved in lieu of handkerchiefs, and there was in 
 fact a hot time. To-day another boat, just as big, just 
 as pretentious, just as important in every particular, and 
 with just as valuable a cargo, inasmuch as your very 
 humble servant was part and parcel thereof, puffed its 
 smoke high over the cliffs and paddled its way up the 
 rapids and hove to at the same wharf without attracting 
 the least attention without the blowing of whistles or 
 even a tender of the freedom of the city. We wished to 
 dispel the gloom of the people by a little cheerfulness of 
 our own, and struck up "There'll be a hot time in the old 
 town to-night." But there was not; in fact, there was 
 an icy cold time. No one was looking for us, no latch- 
 
52 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 string to a warm hearth hung out, and we camped in a 
 zero hospitality. 
 
 The spontaneous outburst of the Klondikers over the 
 first boat was not of an overloaded stomach. On the other 
 hand, it was a hungry appeal, eagerness, hope for bread, 
 and its small tonnage was a disappointment, a shock. 
 Only the remnants after a hold-up by the miners at 
 Circle City was left of the load. It was in the choleric 
 minds of the populace that we, too, were coming light- 
 handed and heavy-footed, which was the case, for the 
 "miners' committee" at Circle had boarded us and bared 
 us down to a few paltry tons of solid stuffs and no liquids. 
 
 Of the 160 passengers leaving Seattle on August 5, as 
 yet but four of us have reached the Klondike. The Yellow 
 Kid, Texas Jack, the girl in bloomers, the scientist from 
 Boston, the capitalist from New York, the gentleman of 
 Chicago, all loud in their daring and doing, have stranded, 
 and we few, only by dint of perseverance, cheek, push, 
 and might, have won the race. Of 800 people with us in 
 St. Michaels harbor only this load of 50 are here or will 
 get here this season. The ice begins to run, and this boat 
 must unload to-night and be off in the morning, or else 
 it will be harbored here for the winter. 
 
 Passengers' outfits are being stored in the trading com 
 panies' warehouses to be inspected by the government of 
 ficer. Everything, from association, from valuable ser 
 vice rendered it, has become very precious, and we fear to 
 trust it out of sight. We keep watch for long hours we 
 watch the other fellow, who is watching his store and re 
 turning our compliment by watching us. It is cold 
 below zero. We dance to keep warm, walk to ease up a 
 joint, and whistle to keep up courage. Upon the top of 
 our parcels goes the ship's cargo, and we are invited to 
 call later. Thus we are turned loose on the town, but do 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 53 
 
 not start out to paint it red nor to seek bed and board, 
 for we are advised none are to be had. The main street 
 feels as though we might spread our blankets and rest, 
 but then we must share with the thousand-and-one curs 
 already located. Great luck! We find an unfinished log 
 cabin and lodge there: the few shavings gave our weary 
 heads and chilly hearts the best rest for days back. 
 
 October 2. The sun shines here this morning as it 
 does outside. The days are of moderate lengths. It is no 
 colder than we are familiar with midway between freez 
 ing and zero and the atmosphere is dry, bracing, and 
 agreeable, and no special ill threatens, yet I feel depressed, 
 silent, weak-kneed, desolate. Ah, I see now. I am hun 
 gry, and nowhere can I get my breakfast. Sure that is it, 
 and I am off down to our old friend the boat that carried 
 us over. There I blarney the cook, who permits me to 
 take a cup of hot water. While drinking it I tell him a 
 thrilling scene of the night, and he dares not say nay to 
 the handful of sea biscuits and cold bacon I seize upon. 
 This is my first breakfast on the Klondike. 
 
 This day's house-hunting steered me into the face of a 
 colony from home tenting on a gravel bar on the Yukon 
 dear old faces because from dear old home. I had a 
 mighty meal of slapjacks, beans, bacon, and a relish of 
 cheese and crackers. I was warmed up, restored in mind 
 and body, and upon the stimulus of the occasion rented a 
 house on First Avenue a cabin 18 by 24 feet, one story, 
 one room and kitchen, for $200 per month in advance for 
 six months. Here I am now at home not quite "Sweet 
 home," but the only old thing of a home I have had; the 
 only thing I have had for sixty days that I should like to 
 call home for a pet dog. I can at least rest my head and 
 heart and achy old bones in peace and without chance of 
 being walked over, sat upon, spit on, steamed through, and 
 
54 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 chilled; without having my shin bones sampled daily 
 by prowling curs or being a cache for the surplus live 
 stock propagated by Siwash Indians. The old arm-chair 
 is not here, nor the foot-stool ; the feather bed and spring 
 mattress give not their balm. Three-legged stools, crude 
 pine table, spruce pole beds, and the usual unwashed fit 
 tings of a pioneer fill up our furniture. But our prayers 
 are not for our surroundings. We feel a little frightened 
 over the matter of food for the winter, and our daily bread 
 will possibly absorb all our devotions. 
 
 October 3. The climate conditions are serene in Daw- 
 son at this present writing. No more glorious sun shines 
 than ours of to-day. Everything is in keeping with an 
 old-timer's remark: "This is the finest winter climate in 
 the world." Every condition seems to vouch for his as 
 surance that it never grows colder here than in Michigan, 
 Maine, or Montana; that we learn to love it and seek to 
 abide in it. But we are startled so often when we wish to 
 enjoy the glories and wonders of the Klondike by the 
 barter. 
 
 "Any flour to trade?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Any beans ? Any bacon ?" 
 
 We are held up, as it were, so often this way that we 
 wish we had flour and beans and bacon to trade or to give 
 away. What do they want to trade us for these staples? 
 Anything; dust, nuggets, simpler foods, clothes, etc. We 
 are offered 200 pounds of moose meat for a hundred-pound 
 sack of flour. We count our flour and oh, no, not one 
 pound to spare, and the trading companies will not give us 
 a bit. We find moose meat selling for $1 per pound this 
 morning, as was also fresh fish. Milord Bacon, our King 
 Flour, and Chief Beans are not to be had for love or 
 money. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 55 
 
 Contemplation makes the sun shine less lively and the 
 temperature seems a degree lower, and memories from 
 away over out of the country steal in among these sad 
 thoughts. However, our sleep is refreshed by dreams of 
 the gold fields on the Klondike and the magnificent for 
 tunes there awaiting us. 
 
 Mining is quiet. First, it is the season for preparation ; 
 a little too early to mine because the ground and waters 
 are not frozen substantial; second, there is a strike at 
 the mines because the wages are being tried to be forced 
 down from $1.50 per hour to $1 per hour. Old prices 
 were $1.50 per hour, and with the rise in grub it should 
 not be too much to-day. Besides, working for wages, 
 miners not having mines of their own have a choice of 
 taking "lays" (leases) on mines in which they receive 50 
 per cent, of the output. Every man to his mind in the 
 matter of working for wages, working on lays, or pros 
 pecting for himself. 
 
 Dawson, the chief camp of the Klondike mining dis 
 trict, is situated on the Yukon River, which runs a little 
 west of north. The Yukon at this point is one-third of 
 a mile wide, very deep and rapid. The Klondike River 
 comes into the Yukon from the east, cutting a chunk off 
 the camp. The decapitated part is named Klondike City. 
 The Klondike River is 100 yards wide, not very deep, but 
 rapid, tortuous, rocky, and unfit for navigation except for 
 pole boats or very small motor boats. Three miles from 
 the mouth of the Klondike Bonanza Creek empties into it 
 from the south, and 14 miles up Bonanza Creek comes into 
 it Eldorado Creek, a little from the southwest. Bonanza 
 Creek and Eldorado Creek have produced thus far all 
 the gold of the Klondike district. The Klondike River 
 pans out nothing in either bar diggings or gulch dig 
 gings. 
 
56 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 Three hundred houses and log cabins may overestimate 
 its size. There are at present 300 tents, but they are fast 
 hauling down as the cold and demand for miners press. 
 It is very funny to see the fantastic shacks grown from the 
 boats and scows that floated the population down here 
 from the lakes. They are upside down, on end, halved 
 and spliced, covering dugouts and interwoven with tents 
 and log huts. One wonders what they can mean until he 
 noses about in them and finds them inhabited. 
 
 Dawson town site is a flat, one side, almost straight, 
 bordering on the river, all the rest of it encircled by a 
 mountain, the greatest depth, in its middle, being one- 
 third of a mile. It would be swampy only that it is 
 frozen solid in winter, while the moss covering protects 
 it from thawing out more than a depth of one or two feet 
 in summer. The matter of streets in Dawson will be a 
 serious one if it attains to a busy city. 
 
 The water supply is the Yukon River, through buckets 
 in summer and ice sleds in winter. On the hillside at 
 the north end of town are some beautiful springs, and 
 this location is becoming popular as a residence site. The 
 shore water of the Yukon being the Klondike, the supply 
 is clear, fresh and apparently good in all particulars. 
 
 Lots on First Avenue are worth $5,000 to $10,000. 
 However, not much is doing in real estate at present. 
 The atmosphere is too full of other business, and one is 
 not apt to neglect a choice claim for a mere matter of 
 house, lot, and home luxuries. I am not well booked as 
 yet in affairs here and will give details later. I have not 
 yet been to the mines. The food supply keeps us think 
 ing, talking, and quarreling. Every day it seems to grow 
 more dark. To-day I heard tell of a man who had had 
 no food for four days. No, not scarce yet, but no one 
 will give or sell through fear of shortage in the winter. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 57 
 
 A very hungry man dropped into our cabin and we, for 
 getting the situation, gave him a share of our dinner 
 bread and butter, coffee, beans, and a slice of ham. He 
 handed out his sack. "There; take out $5; it was worth 
 it." Now and then we see sandwiches selling on the street 
 at $1. But they are hard truck. The two trading com 
 panies, so far as they can fill old orders, continue to do so 
 at old prices: flour, $12 per hundred pounds; bacon, 37 
 cents per pound; beans, 25 cents. All classes of food 
 are selling on the side for $1 per pound. I am hearing 
 the starvation question from morning to night. Murphin, 
 from New York, has just remarked: "In our city if a 
 man has a big sack of dust he can go at a brisk gait and 
 carry a high head, but here if he has several hundred 
 pounds of flour he can just rush. Dust doesn't count any 
 thing." The Honorable Joy, member from Montana, says : 
 "I haven't had the wrinkles out of my stomach for four 
 days." 
 
 October 4. I called again to-day for my baggage, 
 which was unloaded and stored in the A. C. Company's 
 warehouses. "Your trunks are personal baggage. All 
 else you must pay transportation for." I had two trunks, 
 which were handed over. Some bundles, 100 pounds of 
 flour, and 100 pounds of other grub were taxed for freight. 
 Nothing more was said; nothing exacted for duty upon 
 this outfit. My pard and I resolved ourselves into pack 
 mules, for no transportation was at service, and carried 
 home our things. There we sat upon them, wept over 
 them, and bewailed their littleness. 
 
 There are a few teams of horses in Dawson freighting for 
 $10 per hour. These will probably be killed off for want of 
 food, and for want of feed for the dogs the horses must 
 go to the faithful plodding winter motor power of the 
 country. 
 
58 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 Through my side window I can view the internal ar 
 rangement of my neighbor through his. It is a bar and 
 seems to be dealing much in single drinks. A drink is 50 
 cents, which possibly accounts for the loneliness of the 
 patron. Of course after this first drink one may feel the 
 moon to shine a little more cheerful. He possibly will 
 imagine his flour-sack fuller, and in the glow of hope 
 and good-fellowship invite his next best friend to drink 
 with him. Maybe this second drink will assure him that 
 the river may yet break and the boats come in with flour 
 enough and to spare ; then he will ask the house to drink. 
 The bar grows more and more crowded as the night turns 
 toward morning. 
 
 Except a free-and-easy theater, a dance hall, and the 
 gambling halls which are combined with saloons, there is 
 nowhere to go no places of amusement, I might be per 
 mitted to remark. I bought a Seattle paper dated August 
 28 for 50 cents, which after reading I utilized as a win 
 dow-blind. I am continually interested in a crowd be 
 fore my window reading the latest. 
 
 Some of us are beginning letters home. We find the 
 following notice posted on various buildings about town: 
 "John Dallas will leave Dawson for the outside upon the 
 first breeze-up. Letters will be carried for the sum of $1 
 each." The Government has no post-office here, and I 
 applied for a possible letter: "All mail from the United 
 States to Dawson goes on down the river to Circle City, 
 the first American post-office. From thence it may be 
 returned here when opportunity offers, but may not till 
 
 spring." 
 
 SAMUEL SAWBONES, ESQ., M.D. 
 
 Samuel Sawbones was picked up en route and is a 
 passenger on the fair Bella. He brought his kit with 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 59 
 
 him, brought everything but what is really necessary here 
 flour and other morsels of grub. He brought pills and 
 pukes, tablets and triturates, powders and plasters, oils 
 and extracts by the quart and gross. He had a nice new 
 sign with gold letters ready to fling to the breeze. And 
 I think he had assurance and conceit to hope her majesty's 
 government would fire a salute upon the momentous oc 
 casion of his grand announcement. But there is in Samuel 
 a little of the old-time professional courtesy something 
 little cultivated the present day and he made it a duty 
 to call upon the authorities and the located doctors. Cap 
 tain Constantine told him there is a law of the North 
 west Territory which requires a physician to have a 
 license to practice medicine. He consoled our friend, 
 however, by saying he recognized the fact that most of 
 the camp are Americans; that it is unusual to enforce 
 Dominion laws strictly in such unsettled mining camps; 
 and that with the power invested in him at present he 
 would not enforce this law until pushed to it by the 
 Canadian physicians appealing to the home government. 
 Dr. Wills, military physician at this post, greeted Saw 
 bones kindly, but with a rather bland sardonic grin told 
 him in brief he must forego the pleasure of associating 
 with Canadian doctors in practicing the healing art on 
 the Klondike. Recovering from the shock, Samuel Saw 
 bones took occasion to talk back: 
 
 "We knew nothing of this law before coming here, 
 and for us now to go to Calgary to stand examinations 
 for license is a matter of a season gone and an immense 
 expense. It is virtually being kicked out. Besides, under 
 the circumstances we hope for the usual courtesies ac 
 corded new mining camps, that of self-government/' 
 
 "Yes, yes," says Dr. Wills. "But here are three of 
 us myself, Dr. Richardson, and Dr. Norway who have 
 
60 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 permits, and we can fully attend to all the sickness that 
 is or may be prevailing. Of course it is hard on you 
 and any other American, but it is our right, and we 
 propose accepting the bounties of the situation." 
 
 Old Sawbones, who had seen millions in it going up 
 the street, saw as he trudged down a dip candle warming 
 the stove and Iceland moss soup in lieu of the compound 
 vegetable heretofore preliminary to his bacon and beans. 
 His gilt-lettered shingle, he says, he can use patching up 
 the window, but the drugs he dare not throw physic to 
 the dogs here on the Yukon, as dogs may be the staff of 
 life ere spring. Samuel Sawbones, M.D., a good subject 
 of the great and glorious United States, now a mendi 
 cant under her majesty's flag, not knowing where to 
 lay his head nor how to turn an honest penny, has scores 
 of duplicates in this rustle for millions on the Klondike. 
 
 October 7. The sun the past few days shines upon us as 
 brightly as it does outside, but it does not warm us equally 
 well. Every morning a great crowd is massed before each 
 trading company store, all beseeching an order of goods, 
 all there are for orders taken and paid for early in the 
 season. It is getting time for miners to be off and at 
 work. Each likewise wishes to settle the pending dif 
 ficulty or horror, "Will I have enough to see me through ?" 
 The weather has warmed up and the river is clearing of 
 ice, and there is dawning a little hope that two boats now 
 loaded at Fort Yukon may come up. However, two boat 
 loads of provisions will only lessen the number of exits 
 which are preparing for the first substantial ice. The 
 situation of the present exposes the craft of the human 
 kind. Now are beginning to come forth the inhuman kind 
 from their hidden caches with supplies to sell at the fab 
 ulous prices reached. It appears that these made hay 
 while the sun shone, which was nearly twenty-four hours 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 61 
 
 every day during the summer, and now have great stacks 
 stored away for the starving poor of course at their 
 own prices. Even while the mosquito was stealing their 
 thrifty black blood they did not rest from their labor, 
 and it is predicted there is actually enough food in Daw- 
 son if distributed as it should be. 
 
 Our quarters being a most prominent one in Dawson 
 brings us many callers. An attorney wants a window 
 and corner for an office; an optician wants the best win 
 dow in the house to expose his spectacles; a watchmaker 
 offers $100 per month for a room; so although the busi 
 ness generally is stagnant, we see no lack in variety. One 
 business house has a sign: "General merchandise, hard 
 ware, drugs." I looked into the drug department and 
 found quinine, salts, iodide of potash, and some plasters, 
 constituting his whole stock. There is no drug store in 
 Dawson, but I hear of one or more stranded on the way 
 which expect to get here for the spring trade. I hope so, 
 for it is so refreshing to drop into a drug store for a 
 whiff of pure drugs and medicines when one is choked 
 up with microbes from uncleaned streets and undrained 
 swamps. Is there an undertaker here? I do not know; 
 only the indications are that he will not thrive. The re 
 ports outside of the many deaths on the Klondike have 
 been not only exaggerated, but in chief false; only a few 
 people have died since the Klondike has been discovered. 
 A man is reported in the hospital from being shot while 
 robbing a cache. It is a lamentable fact that the latch- 
 string must not hang out in Dawson unless the pro 
 prietor is inside; it is lamentable likewise that we have 
 not a vigilante organization. Want makes thieves of 
 us all. The mounted police are not effective in protect 
 ing property, and I doubt if they have any desire to 
 burden themselves with an effort. To-day a cache was 
 
62 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 robbed of 1,200 pounds of grub and no clew or any ef 
 fort at a clew. The police, so far as my observation 
 goes, are only a success in arresting drunks and keeping 
 order in the saloons. 
 
 The only news medium we have is the old-lady facility 
 of mouth to mouth. All business is posted in written 
 form upon the front of business houses lost, astray, 
 wants, meetings, individual grievances, locations, etc. For 
 want of news we sit in contemplation. If the climate on 
 the Yukon is so glorious as is being talked, we will want 
 our old bones to lie here; yet, again, if the mosquitoes 
 and gnats are as bad as pictured, then will we not have to 
 spend our old age fighting these pests ? 
 
 All kinds of mechanics, with professional and business 
 men, are here, and their first impulse is to jump their 
 legitimate calling and fly to the diggings to bag gold 
 rather than to earn it. Contemplating the possibilities 
 of this is about the pleasantest of our pastime. Going on 
 the street and viewing the signs still hanging the Del- 
 monico, the Metropole, the Klondike makes one's mouth 
 water, but the empty tables recall one to his sense of the 
 emptiness of many stories floating about and quench his 
 enthusiasm. We find several of the hotels open, but on 
 the European plan find your own blankets, brew your 
 coffee, and make your slapjack on the hotel stove, and 
 pay $3 per night. 
 
 October 8. The river is comparatively free of ice to 
 day and boats might come in with food supplies, but I 
 fear the captains, from my observations, will exert them 
 selves more toward furnishing their own winter's lux 
 uries than toward relieving the starving Klondikers. At 
 Fort Yukon, 400 miles below, is a big supply of sub- 
 stantials, but further on and down at St. Michaels the best 
 of foods as well as liquids are stored, and I will wager 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 63 
 
 no boat will return to us, but will seek winter quarters at 
 these congenial points. 
 
 The strike is still on. The miner can have his choice 
 of working for wages, working a lay, or prospecting for 
 himself; therefore he will not have wages come down. 
 The bonanza kings cannot starve him out only the trad 
 ing companies can do that. Men are considering the 
 alternatives of going out on the first ice and of possible 
 hunger here. 
 
 "Can I make you a trade for a door lock, sir?" And 
 a little man with a big gunny sack popped his head in 
 our door. "Will give ten candles for any old thing of 
 a lock." 
 
 We wanted ten candles, but had no door lock. Another 
 cache was robbed last night. A box of candles to-day is 
 worth $100, yet the light of ten candles will not let us see 
 any gain in robbing our own door of its lock virtually 
 robbing our cache. No oil in the market and not much in 
 the town. To the miner candles are as serious a want 
 as grub. 
 
 October 10. A raft of fresh beef has just landed, 
 about 30 head, and is selling at from $1 to $1.25 per 
 pound. They were driven over the pass and held on the 
 upper river until cold weather overtook them, then killed, 
 frozen, and shipped. It is calculated in all that 200 head 
 of cattle and 800 sheep will have reached Dawson before 
 navigation from the head closes. Horseflesh is advertised 
 to-day at 25 cents for dog feed. I am not sure that 
 some one or more may not be laying in this dog feed as a 
 reserve supply for the dogs' master. 
 
 A prominent New York expert in the interest of out 
 side parties dropped in with the following remark: "This 
 country is not as big as represented. There is no room for 
 the thousands of people pouring in, no business, no de- 
 
64 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 mand for them." A little later another mining expert, 
 just as prominent, seated himself on my best stool with 
 this good word: "I am just down from the mines. It 
 is the biggest country any of us have ever seen. I have 
 been around the world and mined in many places, but 
 this far surpasses them all; yes, a great gold country 
 which bewilders us/' 
 
 Almost daily we run into a batch of men and find it a 
 "miners' meeting." They discuss the strike and all other 
 matters they think pertain to their business very often 
 things they know nothing about. 
 
 All kinds of meetings are popular and draw a crowd. 
 There are no halls, schoolhouses, or places for a meet 
 ing, therefore we meet in any nook Mr. President may 
 appoint. To-day there was a large meeting in the chief 
 dance hall. All the girls were piled away behind the 
 bar and Mr. 0. Sullivan occupied the speaker's stand. He 
 was offering to this community his big scow, just arrived 
 from head waters; he was offering it to the throng for 
 transportation out of this camp. He offers scow and 
 crew for a run down to American territory, where is 
 stored boat-loads of grub; to the opulent who furnish 
 their own blankets at a rate of $30 per head, the indigent 
 free. Mr. 0. Sullivan is an old-timer on the Yukon and 
 knows the needs of the country. He brought this scow 
 in loaded with an assortment of the best whiskies, but is 
 a little startled upon arrival at the prejudice existing 
 against wet goods in favor of solid food and substantials. 
 
 Captain Hansen, of the A. C. Company, has made a 
 little speech advocating Mr. 0. Sullivan's scheme, not 
 that he admires the gentleman's thrifty generosity but he 
 declares there is little possibility of any further supplies 
 coming into Dawson, and it will be wise for the unpro 
 vided to go down where supplies are stored. Our chari- 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 65 
 
 table friend 0. Sullivan has another scow on the upper 
 Yukon with a cargo of eggs and girls. They seem to have 
 parted cable with the whisky barge, but may be expected 
 any day. 
 
 Just now one of our loafers resurrected from the bot 
 tom pocket of his parkee five little gold sacks. His story 
 is this : "My pard had these all full of dust. In one night 
 he lost one, two all five at the faro table. Then he bor 
 rowed $5 from me, for which he gave these as security." 
 No comments were passed on his fool partner. Here his 
 reputation, his character, and his executive ability will 
 not suffer. It is such enterprise, as much as anything else, 
 that makes Klondike and other mining camps. This man 
 will carefully step across the swamps from one nigger- 
 head to another, over hills and across gulches with his 
 bed and board, serving under the load of a packing jenny ; 
 and after many days one, two all five little sacks will be 
 refilled and brought to town to replenish to supply the 
 motive power of this end of the camp. The proprietors 
 of the gambling dens seldom hoard the dust and the trad 
 ing companies are the final holders. They enrich the out 
 side world with it in exchange for the good things we 
 need here. Our five little buckskin bags do not repre 
 sent millions, but they multiply into millions. 
 
 October 12. The high prices have not dropped out 
 of provisions yet; buildings and rents keep steady; wood 
 has an upward tendency at $30 per cord; the market in 
 general tends upward, and one is obliged to deal with 
 speculators, the stores being about finished. Troubles 
 lend one's ears to others' troubles ; frights send one poking 
 about after others possibly lurking. We are regaled with 
 the possible pestilences awaiting Dawson. The springs 
 freeze up in winter and the spring opens up only murky 
 water in the Yukon. There is no possible drainage for 
 
CG THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 the town. The police government exercises no sanitary 
 ])recautions and we are theatened (by our relators) witli 
 prolific pestiferous diseases the coming spring. The 
 Canadian doctors will have a picnic will clean up a big 
 fortune in a little time and from a doubtful capital. Our 
 friend Samuel Sawbones, M.D., not being in it, will re 
 flect upon each funeral pile, and filled with envy will say 
 "I told you so," and heap his benedictions upon the 
 little swelled heads and big puffy bags of the aforemen 
 tioned presumptuous, greedy pack these conceited wise 
 acres, envious and afraid of the skill and competition 
 of American doctors. 
 
 Whilst writing a miner dropped in from the Eldorado 
 diggings. He was in ill-humor and seemed ill-natured. 
 He came here from police headquarters. His fist is bun 
 dled up in a bandanna handkerchief and he says it car 
 ries the footprints of a man's jaw bone. Was some victim 
 crying bread to him, and in this way he shut him up? 
 Well, the incident has no connection with his visit to the 
 police; it only shows he is a bad man. Two days ago he 
 returned to his home in Eldorado and found his cache 
 clean and clear of everything edible. He was here to-day 
 after a search-warrant. The police authorities did not give 
 him one; they informed him, he says, it would not be 
 good Canadian law. My own reason is they do not want 
 to be burdened with the thief. He was wrathy as if be 
 ing lashed by the lion's tail. "We, the miners, will get 
 out a search-warrant of our own; we will make an ex 
 ample of the wretch." It is to be devoutly wished they 
 may. Things have come to such a pass that one cannot 
 turn his head to watch his right hand but that his left 
 will be robbed. The vigilantes were good cure good 
 physic in the old Montana days, and I think will be good 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 67 
 
 medicine in these days of sugar pills and tablet tritu 
 rates. 
 
 October 16. At our mess meeting to-day it was 
 "Resolved, that under the present strait of the bacon and 
 bean market we now and hereafter confine ourselves to 
 two meals daily; and whereas, the run on candles and 
 oil has set their price quite out of sight, be it further 
 resolved, that ordinary gossip and simple story-telling 
 must be conducted under cover of darkness, and at no time 
 must more than one candle be burned save in sickness or 
 death." In the gloom and depression of one feeble sick 
 ly tallow candle I am now recording the above resolu 
 tions. As half the story is in the telling, the gesture, the 
 eye of the teller no one wants to hear a story to-night. 
 
 The boats do not come in, but we do not quit looking 
 for them. We have replaced the card above the door, 
 "There's no place like home," by this one: "Eat, drink, 
 and be merry." We do not want to think about home 
 too much, but rather incline to bravado to keep our 
 courage up. 
 
 I resurrected the following grub bill, the prevailing 
 prices of the past summer and the prices of to-day had 
 the boats all come in: 1 case catchup, $24; 8 lemons, 
 $1.50; 25 pounds apricots, $8.75; 20 pounds lard, $6; 
 60 pounds salt, $6; 1 case condensed milk, $24; 249 
 pounds ham, $112; 1 keg pickles, $5; 2J pounds pepper, 
 $2.50; 1 case rolled oats, $18; 6 cans, baking powder, 
 $4.50; 1 case apples, $18; 10 pounds coffee, $5; 1 pound 
 butter, $59. 
 
 If only the boats would come in, we should then get 
 rid of that ghost that haunts us to say: "Better take that 
 seven-hundred-mile trip out over the ice the first freeze- 
 up." The millions on the Klondike, too, haunt us, and 
 we long to be part owners of the fifty tons of gold to be 
 
68 TEE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 shipped home next summer. We are inclined to look the 
 threatened famine in the face, although we know it is 
 possible for it to get the best of us in its ghastly return 
 stare. Our mess is organizing a relief expedition in 
 plain words, are outfitting for a moose hunt. Ye mighty 
 hunter of the Kockies and of the plains, drum a little 
 melody of envy on your breakfast-table and remark : "Oh, 
 the glories of this moose chase must be worth a run right 
 into the jaws of hunger!" Well, we will outfit, and first 
 with clothing of which the necessaries might make us 
 quite oblivious to the kicks of the most villainous foot 
 ball team; then must roll our blankets, pack our stove, 
 tent, axe, cooking utensils, and grub. Now trot out, you 
 dead ox, and we will load. Oh ! oh ! oh ! Here is where 
 the fun drops out. We must load ourselves fifty pounds 
 to the man, and with this, trudging through the snow and 
 over ranges, the novelty will remain, but the glories and 
 excitements of moose-hunting quite die out. We call it 
 then not moose-hunting, but a relief party. It is remarked 
 to me: "Should you kill a moose of, say, 1,000 pounds, 
 what would you do with it?" That has not before oc 
 curred to me. Possibly we would sit down and eat of it 
 until it dwindled away to a portable package; then each 
 mighty hunter may tug at the toboggan and reach camp 
 with the shadow of a moose. 
 
 The query of cold occupies us with that of hunger, 
 though it does not frighten us. A fifty-dollar Yukon 
 stove is one item in barring out cold. Then we look well 
 to the moss chinking of our logs. We have no mud, there 
 fore pack between logs and every possible air-hole with 
 the moss found in abundance. Old-timers say a little 
 later we shall mix snow and water and apply the slush 
 to the outside, and this will prove a valuable protection 
 for the six months of severe cold. People here in the 
 
SAMUEL 8A WBONES, M. D. 69 
 
 early season cut wood, which is in plenty up the river, 
 and floated it down on rafts to Dawson. The banks are 
 lined with it, and there seems no dearth of it, only it is 
 $30 per cord, with an upward tendency. We have as 
 yet not experienced severe cold and can only speculate 
 what it may be. 
 
 October 24. The several Indian bands not too far up 
 and down the Yukon yearly bivouacked at the mouth of 
 the Trondik to catch salmon and hunt. One of several 
 boomers, who, as are all boomers, was trained to hate 
 legitimate work, looked upon this location with desire. 
 One Ladeau squatted right here on the north side, now 
 the town site of Dawson. Then he looked with envy 
 upon Sixty Mile up the river and Forty Mile down the 
 river, and he said: "We must draw upon those pros 
 perous camps and build us up here." They salted the 
 bars up the stream and set the Indians to nosing about 
 for gold. Finally a squaw up Bonanza Creek actually 
 discovered gold and imparted the discovery to Siwash 
 George, her lord and master. George, like a good son, 
 had adopted the customs along with the tribe; he gam 
 bled away his gold and drank up his furs as fast as 
 his squaw could furnish them. He got away down to 
 Circle City in one of his trading boats, and in a con 
 fidential drunk gave away this find up Bonanza. His 
 very appreciative audience at Circle, 300 miles down 
 the Yukon, immediately deserted the bar over which they 
 gleaned the news for the bars on the Bonanza, but not 
 familiar with deep diggings their stampede was a failure. 
 
 A little later Siwash George vouched for Mrs. George's 
 find by an exhibit of a sack of fine nuggets at the gaming 
 tables of Forty Mile and Circle. There was a bigger 
 stampede, yet it was in fact a second failure. In truth, 
 the two stampedes were not the miners of the country, 
 
70 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 but the coiners of gold. What I mean is, after the 
 miner delves and digs the gold these old-timers, his ac 
 companiment in the country, deduct it from his sack in 
 a thousand-and-one ways and set it afloat among them 
 selves. This, you will understand, by the aid of saloons, 
 dancing halls, theaters, faro tables, gambling, wicked girls, 
 etc. Of course they make a failure of anything which 
 needs pick and shovel. In August was the first stampede, 
 but now about January, 1897, started the third stampede 
 to the Klondike, and this one stayed. It went from Circle 
 City in great style. Circle's most magnificent woman with 
 gorgeous dog teams headed the procession. The miners 
 of the Circle or Birch Creek district were wintering and 
 joined the stampede, giving it backbone. Only three souls 
 of 3,000 remained in Circle, and none returned to tell the 
 tale. Thus the Klondike was started on its record as a 
 world-beater. The American in Siwash rose superior to 
 his adopted life, and he helped all his uncles and aunts 
 and cousins of his wife in the tribe to good claims, and 
 he with some of them are still the happy owners. Bonanza 
 Creek empties into the Klondike three miles from its 
 mouth. Twelve miles up Bonanza was Discovery Claim. 
 Very soon all the Bonanza was located, and as the tail 
 ended the stampede came in, the drones, the sluggards, 
 and the pot rattlers of the camp had nowhere to go. 
 Above Discovery one mile a tributary enters Eldorado 
 Creek. Here these disappointed stampeders, in despair 
 at not having a claim, located. Lo and behold, this 
 Eldorado loomed up the head center of all this mining 
 district and holds its precedent to this day. It is esti 
 mated that two-thirds of last year's gold output was 
 Eldorado gold, and this year it will hold the same ratio. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. 2). ?1 
 
 MISSIONARIES. 
 
 If you get there before I do, look out for me, Fm com 
 ing too. Sure enough, the indomitable Methodist who is 
 ever singing the above has come. He has had one ser 
 vice, has a church, with $700 paid, as per announcement, 
 furnished with stumps and slabs as pews, and a whole 
 catalogue of church work organized and in operation. The 
 text of to-day was : "Bear ye one another's burden." The 
 usual collection followed this admonition: "Now put in 
 coin if you have it; if not, just spill into the plate some 
 of your dust ; if broke, why, then, bring us a few ounces of 
 flour or any canned goods." The regular announcements 
 were a little unique even to we old prospectors. "Class 
 meeting this afternoon ; regular service this evening. For 
 the meeting to-night I would request each of you to blow 
 out the candle you may be using, wrap it up, and bring 
 it along. You may be at liberty to take home with you 
 what may be left. To-morrow morning all good brethren 
 will please meet me at the church with axes, and we to 
 gether will make a little excursion up the hillside for the 
 purpose of wooding the church for the winter; Wednes 
 day evening we will meet to organize our book exchange 
 and library. All bring your books and we will exchange 
 one with the other. Dr. McCune, an excellent physician 
 connected with this mission, will be pleased to extend his 
 service to any sick, free to those who are unable to pay." 
 From the start this mission is making we can bet it will 
 not starve out this winter. I believe it is the right thing 
 may be, however, in the wrong place. 
 
 P. S. By the St. George ! This was not a Methodist 
 meeting at all, but a Presbyterian mission. Well, the 
 "walk and conversation" was so Methodist and so un- 
 Presbyterian that I must be pardoned for the mistake. 
 
72 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 Even the last closing act was life-like Methodist; the 
 preacher, resting his glance upon Sister Green, the only 
 woman present, as if wishing to say "Pray for us," but 
 passing on said: "Brother Stephen Furleny, please lead 
 us in prayer/' 
 
 VIGILANTES. 
 
 "It is something remarkable the way you old-timers 
 applaud the old vigilantes' organization, the way you old 
 fool miners fall down and worship the dead and buried, 
 mourn over what has not even left footprints in the dust 
 of time. But you old tramps never will tire of has-beens, 
 and the trails of the Rockies, your stories of the latch- 
 strings hanging out, and how you hanged Henry Plum- 
 mer for robbing sluice-boxes. Now, let up on it !" 
 
 "Well, pard, let me have just this little bit of back talk 
 and I will stick to the pork and beans of this country. 
 My old bones are sort o' stiffening of -late, and I took 
 the long, easy route, the Behring Sea trail, to reach this 
 camp. The old sailing tub Cleveland had on board 163 
 souls embryo tic miners possibly, the same manner of men 
 who pass muster for honesty outside. Well, out only a 
 few days and we began losing our tobacco, pipes, papers 
 and books. On board were a captain and lieutenant of 
 the United States regular army, a United States marshal 
 for Alaska with three assistants, and the officers of the 
 boat with arbitrary powers. Stealing went on pillows, 
 shirts, blankets, anything, everything, and all the power 
 aboard seemed helpless. I actually knew poker chips that 
 could not be won to be stolen off the board. At Fort 
 Yukon three barrels of bonded whisky were stolen from 
 the warehouse right out between the legs of a United 
 States customs officer sitting there, and nothing but the 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 73 
 
 hoops and staves were ever discovered. Here at Dawson 
 matters grow worse from day to day. The officer of the 
 mounted police seems a clever and willing guardian, yet 
 stealing grows greater and bolder, whole caches are robbed, 
 and one never knows how much petty thieving. No 
 doubt you and I will have to guard our sluice-boxes with 
 shotguns when we clean up. The mounted police are ever 
 walking strutting up and down the street, but they 
 never catch a thief, they never hang a rustler. They may 
 be good soldiers, on the principle that everything must 
 be good for something, but soldiers are no good in a 
 mining camp as peace officers are never any good on a 
 mining stampede. This is everything in a nutshell, and 
 you cannot crack it. I need not repeat the situation down 
 in Montana, Colorado, and California when the vigilantes 
 ruled supreme. You know the latch-string was perfectly 
 safe hanging out; that our dust was secure in a tin box 
 within our cabins ; we never lost a cracker from our packs ; 
 that we camped on the trail and did not have to padlock 
 our gunny sacks to our feet to hold them safe. You 
 latter-day saints may preach about mounted police and 
 the British lion's protectorate, but they never gave us 
 back this day our daily bread that was sure to have been 
 stolen yesterday unless being guarded with a shotgun; 
 now I let up on you/' 
 
 THE TRAIL. 
 
 Down in Montana it used to be the pride of society 
 of the diggings that there had gone out, spread worll 
 wide, the saying: "The latch-string always hangs out/' 
 Alas! that we may not say as much for the Klondike! 
 There the big-hearted, generous-handed prospectors marie 
 "camping on the trail" an inspiration rather than a stare 
 
74 TEE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 into the cold face of helplessness. The admixture of 
 nationalities makes it doubtful if even plenty of grub will 
 correct the present selfishness of the camp. 
 
 The trail in itself is a different proposition here from 
 elsewhere. At the present time the muckluck is the most 
 popular footgear. The muckluck is a rawhide boot of 
 sealskin, with or without hair on. It will stand water, 
 if well oiled, without leaking; is very light, and one can 
 wear innumerable socks to keep warm. Later, as the 
 winter precludes any water on the trail from thawing or 
 ice breaks, the Indian moccasin of moose skin mostly 
 takes the place of the muckluck. Persons wear one, two, 
 three pairs of woolen socks and a pair of thick German 
 socks inside the moccasins, and this protects a foot from 
 all sorts of cold. One is safe from frost unless by chance 
 he gets wet. His clothing is very soft, thick, light wool 
 ens; a parkee, much like a Chinaman's outside shirt, 
 and of ticking or drilling, is popular wear because very 
 light and a great bar to cold by virtue of affording a 
 wind-break. The only fur is the Yukon cap, a thing 
 sui generis. Summer trails are the trying ones. Gum 
 boots are the proper resort, but they have many draw 
 backs: they are quite too heavy for a long tramp and 
 too warm; they often overflow or get overflowed with 
 water and mud, which makes them quite unnavigable. A 
 new summer trail or an old one worn deep in mud is 
 best navigated in a pair of light shoes, having in view 
 the procedure of wading through water and mud, getting 
 thoroughly saturated, and at the end changing for dry 
 stockings. Trails are through swamps, jumps from nig 
 ger-head to nigger-head, over fallen trees, snags, over 
 mountains. Nowhere is there a free spurt until a trail 
 is broken by use. "On the trail" here is a different prop 
 osition from elsewhere because of the distances between 
 
SAMUEL 8A WBONES, M. D. 75 
 
 supply points. In fact, there are no supply depots other 
 than this one at Dawson, and the simplest possible stam 
 pede or business requires a big load from 50 to 100 
 pounds is the common pack on the Bonanza trail. We 
 may meet a man and dog in sled with perhaps 30C 
 pounds. I saw some veritable beasts of burden among 
 my fellow-men, they sledding individually 300 pounds. 
 As yet snow is limited and sledding is very poor, so that 
 300 pounds is almost an ox's load. On my trip up the 
 Klondike I met many and all sorts of packers and packs, 
 men fagged, peering straight ahead, mechanically moving, 
 apparently ready to drop, but never dropping until their 
 twenty or thirty miles are made. When night overtakes 
 us on a stampede or prospecting tour we pitch a tent 
 and sleep upon pine boughs. Oh, how our bones do ache ! 
 We dream all through the night that we still go on; the 
 pack is breaking every bone and rending every muscle 
 in the body; maybe we dream of such a luxury as a 
 latch-string, but never that it lets us in out of the cold. 
 October 20. Well, it is all up with the boats and down 
 with the hoped-for new supplies. The river is making 
 its final freeze-up; we are inventorying our caches to de 
 termine the fight we will have to make through the winter. 
 Now and then crops out the discovery of a big cache 
 one of flour, of candles, of bacon which some smart 
 tradesman corraled during the summer for just such 
 emergency as this happening us; yet all such relief is 
 small in possibilities for continuing us through. People 
 are training to two meals a day; many are devising ways 
 and means for going out. The outfitting consists in a 
 dog team, necessary clothing, and blankets and grub for 
 men and dogs for forty days. 
 
76 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 REINDEER. 
 
 The reindeer hooped up in harness, bunched up, bent 
 in its strains at a load, and driven by a runty little Lap 
 lander, presents almost a comic picture. Yet its great 
 good points must obscure such a view and make us ap 
 plaud its nobility. It is said to have a capacity of 400 
 pounds per 100 miles a day and can subsist upon the 
 native moss. On my way to the Klondike I interviewed 
 Dr. A. N. Kittleson, in charge of the United States gov 
 ernment reindeer ranch which is situatel at Unilucklick, 
 on the coast of Behring Sea, 60 miles north of St. Mi 
 chaels. He gave me the following statistics: The herd 
 consists of 1,500 head; about 400 are or can be fitted for 
 work; some are being worked, others are awaiting the 
 opportunity; much of the band is in the hands of the 
 native Indians for care herding and training. The herd 
 is rapidly increasing. On our expedition to these gold 
 fields we had the association of two very agreeable gov 
 ernment officials sent to Alaska as emissaries especially 
 to report upon its conditions and its possibilities. The 
 starvation point of the Klondike was fairly presented to 
 them and they appreciated the situation with the necessity 
 for relief. Here is a most opportune test case for the 
 reindeer, I argued, but, argued they: "We admit the 
 capaciy, the utility of the reindeer; we agree that noth 
 ing would approach it as the right thing in the right 
 place and that hundreds of people might be saved hun 
 ger, if not starvation; yet in face of all we cannot util 
 ize the offering at present. In the first place, a messen 
 ger must be dispatched to Washington for authority; 
 next, the authority must be transmitted to the ranch on 
 the coast of Behring Sea; then harness must be fur 
 nished, the deer broken, sleds made. All this will be a 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 77 
 
 year's enterprise for the Government." Poor old ship 
 of state, looking down at part of its own crew drowning. 
 What a happy spectacle ! 
 
 In discussing the same conditions as a private enter 
 prise the following outline was made by one familiar 
 with the surroundings: "I could reach St. Michaels in 
 a few days via one of these river boats; from there, by 
 some Indian canoes. I could within a week be at work 
 outfitting on the deer ranch, and quite as early as the 
 ice will bear be on my way to Yukon Eiver points where 
 are large storages of grub. In very nearly a month from 
 date I could be approaching Dawson with relief." This 
 was no fancy picture, but actual computation by one fa 
 miliar with the country and the climate. Our two kid- 
 gloved government officials no doubt will report the feasi 
 bility of this plan of relief next summer and receive in 
 structions for next winter's emergencies. 
 
 GRUBBING. 
 
 "Sawbones," says Captain Healey, manager of the N. 
 A. T. Company at Dawson, "there is a great deal of sick 
 ness in camp. What is the matter?" 
 
 "No, not much nothing unusual." 
 
 "No? Well, I am made to believe there is a big lot 
 ill. Why, every man who comes into the store wants a 
 grub stake for a sick brother or a sick pard who could 
 not leave his bed to personally apply for a few necessary 
 supplies. So you think it is not serious the sickness, 
 eh? Yes, I see! Any scheme to get an extra pound of 
 pork and beans." 
 
 The store is continually full of beggars, and such beg 
 gars as you never see elsewhere. They are not paupers. 
 All have money to pay, but the old trading companies 
 
78 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 hold fast to their old prices while corner prices are way 
 up. Of these beggars one class are made liars by fear 
 of starving, and any resort that furnishes something to 
 eat goes. Another lot are such as have plenty, but who 
 strive to beat those companies out of grub to use for 
 speculation on the side. With all their efforts to fill only 
 orders for such who must and ought to be served they 
 continually are defrauded. A woman with children will 
 tie them, ragged and dirty, to her apron-string and march 
 in before Captain Healey and force out a combination of 
 tears and tales of woe ; if her husband is a better solicitor 
 he heads the procession. Some adepts at disguise may 
 appear in the various invalid characters and carry on a 
 brisk trade, for Captain Healey in particular cannot look 
 upon suffering if he can mitigate it. Captain Hansen, 
 manager of the A. C. Company, keeps well out of reach 
 of the besieging mob, and though he has some gentlemen 
 about him, he has enough toughs in waiting to dispose 
 of those whom they prefer not waiting upon. 
 
 I was witness to the following between one of the trad 
 ing companies and an old-timer who came after his win 
 ter's grub, ordered early in the season, but which % was 
 only filled in part as per scene: 
 
 "Fifty pounds flour." "Oh, dear, only fifty pounds 
 
 for the blessed long " "Check. Forty pounds bacon." 
 
 "Why, it won't last me till Thanksgiving " "Check. 
 
 Twenty pounds beans." "It will not more than fill my 
 
 pot " "Check. One box herring." "And that little 
 
 box won't make the pan " "Check. One hundred 
 
 pounds sugar." "Now, if my batch of kids were up here 
 
 they would eat all that sugar " "Check. Fifty 
 
 pounds dried apples." "There's some business in that, 
 
 for they will keep one filled up while " "Check. 
 
 Now, there; handle that flour a little more carefully. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 79 
 
 Don't you see my life ooze out of that measly porous 
 sack? And there, there goes a bean; pick it up. That 
 little slab-sided piece of bacon why, it does not even 
 make a shadow. Yes, give me that red pepper. I got 
 som horse meat for the dogs, and I may have to fool the 
 dogs. A little red pepper on horse meat will make it go 
 down just as readily as moose meat. Then last winter, 
 when my pard got closed in on Stewart River, he said 
 red pepper made his poor mush, his Malamuth, his lone 
 partner, as much a relish as canned roast beef appears 
 in camp. Yes, I may have to keep the wolf away from 
 the door by virtue of this red pepper and my poor mush, 
 though he is half wolf. Wolf in the stomach is better 
 than wolf in the door." 
 
 PROSPECTING. 
 
 "Well, Samuel, my boy, back, eh? Struck anything 
 this trip? I see you had a new pard. Yes, quite a 
 stampede from the Forks over to Sulphur yesterday. A 
 dollar and a quarter to the pan was reported, and every 
 available man and woman rushed off in a struggle for 
 some vacant claim. Sulphur promises to be a diggings 
 that will rival Eldorado and Bonanza. Yes, I will post 
 you if anything very big occurs. Will pay from $100 to 
 $1,000, according to location." 
 
 Dr. Samuel Sawbones said he staked on a pup of Ophir 
 Gulch, but must trust to luck for an Eldorado. 
 
 "Yes," continued the doctor, "I struck a new pard. 
 You know the established law of this land. Any and 
 every partnership formed upon coming into or within 
 the boundary of Alaska for the purpose of navigation, 
 trading, prospecting, mining, or whatsoever, invariably 
 and universally dissolves by mutual consent within sixty 
 
80 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 days from date. Well, this my last partner was a gen 
 tleman from a great city who tacked on to me I know 
 not from what cause, but I felt the necessity of dissolu 
 tion and at the same time held it due to him to proceed 
 decently and in order. My invariable rule to break the 
 link is to take the offender out prospecting. Like my 
 celebrated liniment, it is never-failing. 
 
 "Well, we had easy sledding up to Forty Four Eldorado, 
 when we began the trail over the range. This is two 
 miles to the top, with a grade of nearly ninety degrees 
 and a corresponding slide down which is quite as burden 
 some. We had outfitted for a big route. Down Ophir 
 12 miles to Indian Kiver, down Indian 30 miles to the 
 Yukon, down Yukon 35 miles home; all over unbroken 
 trail. Grub for all this time, change of clothes for ac 
 cidents, tent, stove, picks, shovels, axes, etc., made a 
 sled-load for a dog team, but we tackled it all the same 
 with our man team. Well, my pard was made leader. 
 He forged ahead, as all new recruits usually do. He 
 puffed, of course; finally he lagged and swore; his breath 
 came fast and he was beyond expressing himself; his eyes 
 stuck out hung out. No, mine not so much so. Old 
 soldiers never do the work of raw recruits. His tongue 
 shriveled and he never spoke nor looked. We had to 
 duplicate the trip, as the load was too heavy. We vir 
 tually fell down the hill on the other side, but the snow 
 was too deep to permit of any injury following. Of 
 course duplicating the trip could by no means duplicate 
 the gentleman's temper only prolong it. We packed 
 down the hill rather than sledded, and when one of us 
 toppled over the other necessarily needed to help him 
 on his feet again. 
 
 "We reached the rendezvous late in the evening, and 
 I left making camp to pard. The stove never went up, 
 
SAMUEL SAWBOltm M.D. 81 
 
 and purposely I failed to supply tent-poles. We slept 
 out in the cold only about 30 below. We were not in 
 speaking humor, nor did we do any grumbling; in fact, 
 it was much of a pantomime. My pard did not even 
 complain of my biscuits, though I am sure I made them 
 to aid the cause. 
 
 "Next day we prospected Ophir Creek, but finding it 
 quite completely staked we started on the several pups 
 or small streams emptying into it. While doing this we 
 learned that we could not possibly reach Indian River 
 with a sled loaded, and therefore must return as we had 
 come. I could see 'Ugh' pictured on the features of my 
 pard, and indeed before the scene was closed it was fairly 
 seen upon my own. I regretted the loss of the first- 
 planned route, as it was possible we might run upon a 
 moose, than which nothing more agreeable could happen. 
 We hoped, too, to fish in Indian River, and being lim 
 ited closely the whole winter to salt meats, these fresh 
 ones would have been offerings worthy most devout thanks. 
 I need not picture the return. Almost the day was ex 
 hausted crossing the range, and I am quite sure our com 
 bined strengths, with our combined patiences and our 
 individual virtues, were all gone, all worn out or destroyed. 
 It was a cure-all, but at greater expense than I had bar 
 gained for. Pard never resented and kept the lead, but 
 I could see he had enough of your humble servant. He 
 was cold and I did not care to bring on reaction. You 
 know your ears may become frosted, and rubbing them 
 well with snow brings on reaction, and how they burn ! 
 I wished to avoid a reaction in pard, for oh, how hot it 
 might have been! I had not counted upon this over 
 work as my medicine. My office of cook is the one in 
 which I work my charm. After a hard day, if I served 
 a hard bean, underdone bacon, and weak coffee, and spice 
 
82 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 them with plenty of ugly back talk, I can tempt the 
 devil to creep out of almost any subject. The overwork 
 on this trip was good (you know each doctor may have a 
 different medicine, all good) but it reacted upon me too 
 severely. 
 
 "We staked claims, and did we find gold? No. Who 
 ever presumed to stop there a month and dig to bed 
 rock to prove up to the recorder that the claims were 
 gold-bearing? Why, when you stake a promising claim 
 you must run home by relays to record it or some other 
 fellow, possibly the one just ahead of you in the line 
 where you stand three days before the recorder's office, 
 will have your number and description in his pocket and 
 records it before your eyes. 
 
 "Yes, the claims we staked were within the Eldorado 
 possibilities, only a few miles over the range, and will 
 sell to outsiders by virtue of the association. And, too, 
 they may prove Vay-up paying claims." 
 
 The foregoing narrative of Samuel Sawbones covers 
 the proceedings for prospecting in Alaska in many of its 
 features. The anticipated prospecting tour is planned 
 in accordance with the distance and the country. One 
 may have a dog or a team of dogs to transport his grub, 
 but we must recollect that the dogs must be fed from the 
 freight, therefore the gain is not absolute. Some husky 
 prospector may carry seventy-five pounds of substantial 
 grub off into the wilderness upon which he can prospect 
 one or several months. If simply on a tour of location 
 he can go the limits of all the present known creeks in 
 the Klondike district. Then if he has found gold he 
 proceeds to duplicate a pack of grub two or more times 
 until a supply for a season accumulates. It used to be 
 in Alaska that miners worked exclusively bar claims on 
 the larger streams. They would carry the supply of grub 
 
SAMUEL 8A WBONES, M. D. 83 
 
 in winter with dogs, would clean up at the end of sum 
 mer, and remain in town the winter except the time to 
 regrub the claim. With the present excitement and the 
 change in the location of gold matters are much dif 
 ferent. Stampedes germinate, as it were. For instance, 
 Ophir was prospected in the summer season and aban 
 doned. Two weeks ago a party of several crossed over to 
 Ophir, dug something of a hole, and called it Discovery; 
 they staked up and down and returned to record. In 
 another day a little larger crowd crossed to Ophir and 
 located. Each day a little larger party took the trail 
 now fairly broken to Ophir until at present each and 
 every claim on the gulch is staked. Each and all of these 
 staked because others before them went there and located. 
 No gold in paying quantity has yet been found. Many 
 only stake and do not pay the $15 to record, but they 
 take all chances of some one else recording it. 
 
 REFLECTIONS UNDER THE AURORA. 
 
 This morning my hot cakes carried the mess by ac 
 clamation. They were all eaten, but requiring a "sop" 
 the unusual bacon frying was used. This robbed the 
 "widow" of its midnight oil. No noon meal in view and 
 no supply for the widow! But our evening meal the 
 enticing hot cakes did not kill, but threatened, and the 
 usual supper was abandoned for a simple tea. What fol 
 lows? Why, total darkness. The aurora borealis plays 
 freaks and fancies in the heavens, and it alone must 
 guide us through the night. One of the mess confessed 
 to two inches of tallow dip, but "will be darned if he is 
 going to waste it." Candles are down to 60 cents per 
 box, but we need a score of necessaries mitts to wood 
 with, a pan to wash in (both faces and pots at present 
 
84 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 are washed in the gold-pan we brought to clean up our 
 fortune in), a broom for housecleaning and the candles 
 must be forgotten. 
 
 Under the aurora we go to cogitating and sometimes 
 moralizing. If only that N. A. T. Company had given us 
 a can of lard, how we would hug it, even with our best 
 clothes on! 
 
 Brother Young's mission church burned down last night, 
 * and the only fire brigade is the curious crowd with snow 
 balls. All we could do was to throw snowballs on the 
 adjoining cabins. Buckets, yes, but the water might freeze 
 in the buckets while carrying it from the little holes 
 down in the ice. Nine men who had put their faith and 
 grub in Brother Young's tabernacle have only their faith 
 left, and I fear it will not keep off the scurvy the coming 
 winter. Down in Montana I observed the Lord did not 
 always "temper the winds to the shorn lamb," and I 
 fear as well for the probabilities in this country. 
 
 In a few days our neighbors will be going "outside." 
 In fact, a hundred poor souls are reported waiting for 
 the first substantial trail up the Yukon to the lakes and 
 the coast. Our neighbors with seven dogs promise a rapid 
 trip, thirty days or less. Usually three dogs constitute 
 the team for three men, whose outfit and grub and blankets 
 weigh 125 pounds to the man. The dogs' own feed added 
 makes as much as the team can pull, leaving the men to 
 walk or run, which is understood even after paying the 
 present exacted price of $300. 
 
 What, our quondam landlord in jail, he and two oth 
 ers? Yes, Curley Redd and the bartender and a pard de 
 liberately pushed in the front door after business hours, 
 carried off the wooden boxes in which was stored $21,000, 
 and, like asses (oxen), began immediately to spend it, 
 without the least security or secrecy. Why, of course the 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 85 
 
 mounted police anybody could detected them and con 
 fession was a natural course. Most of the money came 
 back. The penalty? Early in the season the criminals 
 were put afloat in a boat on the Yukon and sent down to 
 American territory. I do not know what may be done 
 with them, as the big, fat, husky police will not want to 
 share their scant grub with the criminals. There are 
 more thieves, cut-throats, and vagabonds in this camp al 
 ready than could have in the early days in America been 
 screened from all the mining camps combined, and there 
 will be no abatement until something better than the pres 
 ent government follows. Mr. Curley Redd rented to us 
 our present cabin. A few days later the real owner came 
 along and collected a second rent. One week ago I 
 bought a boat on the river ice. Next day I went down to 
 dismember my boat and carry it home: only the bottom 
 was left. Yesterday pard bought a tent standing across 
 the way from some young gentlemen of Seattle who had 
 accumulated a team of dogs and are ready to go outside. 
 To-day a man came to light who loaned to these preco 
 cious youths of Seattle the tent, and is preempting said 
 tent regardless of our claim. To-day we look about for 
 our sled. The sled is the market-basket here, its sub 
 stitute for the good housewife's market-basket at home, 
 yet much more than this. Every well-regulated family 
 must have a sled. Every sled is alike. They cost at 
 home market $10 ; here they are worth to-day $40 to $50. 
 We must have one to bring in wood; for carrying our 
 grub stake home or carrying outfits to the mines; for the 
 children to play with; for one to take his best girl out 
 in. Our sled is gone, stolen or astray, and we must carry 
 our wood upon our backs. Always one of a mess must re 
 main at home to protect it. Aside from the loss, the 
 moral effect of all this depravity is damnable. To-mor- 
 
86 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 row all the mess will be prowling about peering in here, 
 there and everywhere, looking for an equally good sled 
 that can be spirited away as was ours. 
 
 Samuel Sawbones appears in the shadow. 
 
 "Come in, doctor. We want you to arbitrate a case 
 for us. A in our mess says he will not be damphool 
 enough to chip in for a sixty-dollar box of candles, while 
 B says: 'Wait. When candles are $120 a box I shall 
 write to the girl I left behind and say I am burning 
 candles at $120 per box at your shrine, and I hope you 
 will appreciate my devotion and sacrifices/ Which do 
 you commend?" 
 
 Sawbones delights most in his own experiences in Alaska 
 of the past years. He assures us on the starvation point 
 by telling how it might be worse. He related a thrilling 
 incident where a poor but proud prospector stole the wall 
 paper off his office wall just to make soup from the flour 
 paste that was used; then, in the agony of arsenic-poi 
 soning from the green paper, he sent for the doctor and 
 confessed to the fault. I will not, however, vouch for 
 everything Samuel Sawbones tells. 
 
 "By the way, Dr. Sawbones, what is the aurora bo- 
 realis?" 
 
 "What? Why, only the X-rays from the Arctic Ocean. 
 The light, the rays of the Oriental sun, strikes the ice 
 bergs of the northern sea; these serve as the tubes, as it 
 were; they divert the rays, intensify them, magnify and 
 multiply them, and the rays so generated, the X-rays as 
 they are, pierce the heavens and make themselves seen 
 and even felt throughout the heavens. Along with the 
 rapid play of colors and transposition of scenes observed 
 in the States, here we have fantastic leaps and flashes, 
 sheets of rainbow brilliancy dropping down to the earth ; 
 with strange crackling, electric noises so nearly overhead 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 87 
 
 as to make us stop asunder. No, I cannot formulate you 
 
 this theory in scientific language, but you need be satisfied 
 with the reasoning." 
 
 It is generally recognized that one calamity is always 
 followed by a second. One fire of a week ago sure enough 
 is followed by a much worse one. And all we could do, 
 as on the former occasion, was to throw snowballs. My 
 neighbor declared to me that filling his water bucket at 
 the river wells this morning, he found upon arriving in 
 his cabin a fairly solid ice frozen over it. A fire-engine 
 at this temperature might get a stream of water started, 
 but I can imagine nothing but icicles would reach the 
 roofs of the buildings. Several of the best buildings in 
 Dawson burned last night. One, a fairly well-equipped 
 theater, is a distressing loss. The fire was limited by 
 a vacant lot and by green log cabins. Of course there 
 is no whimpering or crying here over misfortune, as for 
 tune is supposed or expected to go hand in hand with it. 
 A simple strike on Stookum Jim Gulch can correct the 
 accident as shortly as it was created. 
 
 And will people freeze? No, none except, as Samuel 
 Sawbones would put it, damphools. A man who goes out 
 prospecting or traveling in this temperature without 
 matches and without sense enough to build a fire before 
 he is frozen too stiff to light a match may freeze sure 
 enough. One soon learns here to provide for a rainy day. 
 He will keep his stove banked up with wood, and a little 
 breastwork of ice before his door for emergencies of 70 
 or 80 below. He will economize likewise in washing his 
 face and dishes. He who is out every day grows tough and 
 can sleep up in the ranges with good robe covers in a 
 
88 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 brush tent, and not run the risk of freezing. A dog 
 "musher" tells me he would not be coaxed to sleep any 
 where but in a tent piled up with his dogs. 
 
 There are three horses in town which command $10 
 per hour, but the owner says to-day: "I will not leave 
 them go out." It seems even poor frail man either has 
 more endurance or ventures more than is safe to risk in 
 the horse. These horses have a hay supply, but they eat 
 cornmeal and flour and other truck we men would fain 
 cache for the spring-time. Maybe nothing will be lost 
 to us, for we may have the opportunity to eat the horses. 
 
 Wood has an upward tendency; $30 to $40 per cord; 
 $10 is the penalty for having a cord cut into stove wood. 
 Oh! oh! oh! How it does rasp one's bronchial tubes to 
 bend over a buck-saw this cold snap and make his break 
 fast wood. 
 
 A character on the street and in the prominent saloons 
 up to the present time was a "Jenny" brought up from 
 the states by some lubber of a man and abandoned when 
 feed got scarce. Jenny would edge into these warm 
 places with the steady crowds, and I think at no one place 
 was it ever kicked out. It had innumerable scars over 
 its hams from hoofing quite too close to the stove. Out 
 in the street it seemed to serve no better purpose than a 
 whetstone to sharpen the teeth of the Eskimo dogs. To 
 day our old associate is the center of a howling mass of 
 these dogs, but its natural toughness and the solid frozen 
 mass from the cold disappoints the herd of scavengers. 
 Poor Jenny! Some day there will drop into your jack 
 ass heaven something in the shape of a man, your late 
 owner, the wretch who brought you up to this cold, cold 
 country and left you without food and without shelter, 
 who left you to eat mucklucks, to freeze out in the street, 
 or exhaust your gall by holding first place around the 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 89 
 
 saloon stoves. He is so much bigger ass than you that 
 you can afford to forgive him. 
 
 Oh, me! but it is getting colder, and they say it will 
 be 60 below to-night! What shall we do to be saved 
 saved from freezing? I can add to my bed my buffalo 
 coat; this button makes a sleeping-bag; then I shall keep v 
 on my German socks and my flannels. In addition to my 
 blankets my canvas cover must go over all over my 
 head to keep the warm air in and the frost out. Bad air, 
 eh? Oh, that does not count here. All freighters crawl 
 into sleeping-bags and tie themselves shut. Indians cover 
 themselves completely under skins. The native dogs lie 
 anywhere and everywhere, apparently a big roll of fur, 
 their noses, eyes, and ears stuck under them in some man 
 ner with no pretensions to breathing fresh air. We can 
 live here through the winter without any demand on fresh 
 air. Fresh-air cranks would die here. It is a custom 
 with several tribes of Indians down the river upon occa 
 sions of scarcity of food to retire into an underground 
 abode called (I forget the name) and take a sitting pos 
 ture, close up the place quite tight, keep it hot, and re 
 main there until spring opens up, neither getting fresh 
 air nor exercise, and having their food supply cut down 
 to the meanest possible amount once daily, which is sup 
 plied them by the squaws who remain to regulate outside 
 affairs. They are strict to remain away from all family 
 ties. And yet they pan out all right with the spring 
 tide. Bad air does not kill them. 
 
 ROGERS. 
 
 One Rogers^ a stray from a British whale-boat in 
 Behring Sea, was taken kindly to by the humanitarian 
 element of St. Michaels and outfitted with old clothes and 
 
90 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 such luxuries as face one projecting a sojourn on the 
 Klondike. As roustabout, assistant cook and valet, he 
 worked his way with the foremost of us up to Fort Yukon. 
 By this time he had not only attained an independence, 
 but also the enviable reputation of a good fellow of thrifty 
 attitude and open hand and heart. I myself there had 
 the pleasure of taking a little gin-and-water at his board. 
 Of course Rogers was the first off the gangplank at Daw- 
 son. We were, however, surprised, even horrified, to be 
 summoned before his excellency the captain of the North 
 west Mounted Police to testify as to Rogers' good char 
 acter. Gilvery, of the New York Herald, upon being 
 dumped off the boat kicked off, as it were on the bleak 
 and lonely banks at Fort Yukon, remained only long 
 enough to damn the temerity and inefficiency of the river 
 captains and the trading companies' negligence. Then 
 he gathered several Indians and hied him on and up to 
 ward the gold fields, leaving the mass of us to weep in 
 our desolation. The mighty strides of Gilvery on his 
 tramp up the banks of the Yukon, and the long, tough 
 pull made by him landed him many days ahead of us, 
 but landed him virtually barefooted. Only a few days 
 up and down the streets of Dawson over the sharp edges 
 and ragged surfaces of the nuggets with which they are 
 paved made him absolutely so. Now, it was not passing 
 strange at all that upon the arrival of our boat at the 
 dock the enterprising, rustling, galloping reporter of the 
 live New York Herald should be there looking for us. 
 We were expecting him, and indeed the fog-horn of our 
 old scow had awakened him from his golden dreams and 
 warned him of his post of duty, and he was there, but 
 with his eyes riveted upon the corns and bruises upon his 
 pattering feet rather than directed to his old pards. 
 Thus interested in the footlights of the occasion lie 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 9i 
 
 made a hit. Rogers, always first on boat and first on 
 shore, struck the Klondike at the same time as our cor 
 respondent, with a pair of fine, high-stepping boots. Said 
 boots had indelibly penciled inside the legs the name, 
 the place, of Gilvery, of the New York Herald. His 
 right, title and exclusive ownership was vested in Rogers' 
 very first step to fortune. At the trial it was developed 
 that Rogers, after clearing the boat at the custom-house, 
 was the proprietor of three different caches, in all aggre 
 gating 3,000 pounds of miscellaneous toothsome luxuries, 
 besides Gilvery's boots, which he cached at Fort Yukon 
 previous to the flight aforementioned. We relate this in 
 cident not to abuse Gilvery, who is a Welshman, or 
 Rogers, who is a thief, but to illustrate what a young, 
 active, enterprising young man may accomplish in a short 
 season in Alaska, where the vigilantes have not yet cropped 
 out. Yes, Rogers was convicted. His worship, the captain 
 of the Northwest Mounted Police, acting justice of the 
 peace, decreed in substance as follows: "Her majesty's 
 larder being very low, while we have not yet completed 
 the hardwood finish on our jail, I therefore command 
 that the prisoner Rogers be and hereby is ordered aboard 
 a river boat commonly called a skiff, and that he be set 
 adrift with the current of the Yukon and cautioned to 
 continue said course until faithfully and fairly within 
 the bounds and jurisdiction of the government of the 
 United States of America." 
 
 EDMUNDS, OF VIRGINIA. 
 
 Edmunds, of Virginia, is no fool ; he is no wit. Physic 
 ally Edmunds is prominent; mentally he is promising. 
 He first showed up on the Skagway Pass, where he 
 earned from $20 per day up packing. He had come from 
 
92 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 old Virginia, where he had been a student in Lincoln 
 College and was doing well until the wave of prosperity 
 struck him. During the Presidential campaign both 
 parties promised their supporters a wave of prosperity. 
 The successful party was as good as its word and imme 
 diately its wave set afloat. 
 
 First, the great wave knocked silver off its perch ; then, 
 sweeping on, every institution, every business, every en 
 terprise not fortified by trusts, bonds or monopoly, was 
 knocked off its foundation. The wave of prosperity is 
 still abroad, and not a poor soul dares venture forth with 
 his paltry dollar lest it be engulfed. Edmunds, of Vir 
 ginia, not being a union man of any sort by which he 
 could draw support, and having no stock in any trust 
 or monopoly through which he could sit and ride upon 
 this great wave of prosperity, found himself adrift, float 
 ing with the many millions of his co-humanity to whither 
 unknown. He chanced upon the Klondike trail. He was 
 a pack-mule; not that there was any mule about him, 
 but because he packed the average load of a mule and 
 was earning as much as a pack-mule. 
 
 Edmunds by chance camped on the trail of two young 
 men of Seattle, both delirious with the Klondike fever, 
 both fresh from one his mother, the other a young wife. 
 They elicited his sympathy and engaged him first as nurse, 
 later as general matron. In the fullness of their hearts 
 they divided their worldly goods into three parts, one 
 of which they donated to Edmunds, now their captain. 
 
 Windy Arm! Oh, Windy Arm! Quailing hearts and 
 weak knees are thine. The terror of cheechokers, yet the 
 bone doctor for the Klondike fever. Scores of cures canst 
 thou boast ! Three days and three nights were Edmunds 
 and his two patrons stranded upon one of the numerous 
 islands of Windy Arm. The wind seems never to fail 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 93 
 
 there. Edmunds tried to cheer up by whistling when his 
 two companions waited upon him with this : "You know, 
 sailors always whistle when becalmed for the gods of the 
 sea to send them wind." Edmunds obeyed their wish, but 
 still it blew. As a choice of two evils that of being 
 driven crazy on this sandy bar or being broken to pieces 
 on the rocky shore the two cheechokers of Seattle made 
 each his will in favor of their old nurse and partner, 
 and commending themselves to his care chanced their 
 escape to shore. No sooner struck than both stampeded 
 rapidly on the back track home. Edmunds remained a 
 lone mariner. He trusted himself to the mercies of Windy 
 Arm. The first day his mast went overboard, and he, 
 helpless, camped right in the trough of bear tracks into 
 which he was cast. He says: "With all the guns and 
 pistols and knives of my late companions to fortify me 
 I did not sleep that night." Next day he broke his 
 rudder, when he says he prayed a little, and reached shore 
 in safety. He wished he had not let go of his late com 
 panions, for he thought the bottom of the lake would not 
 be so cold if lying there all three instead of his lone self. 
 However, he confronted all dangers and defeated them. 
 He had reached the canyon below all the lakes and was 
 whistling through sheer good humor at his own success, 
 when, as he says, he was mortified at six guns pointed 
 at him and each with a man behind. He let his hands 
 have their way and their way was up. Explanations fol 
 lowed. His two pards, footsore and hungry, in their rapid 
 back action became mendicants, and in the weakness of 
 their miseries they forgot facts and detailed a history 
 of piracy on the high seas which is death as Edmunds 
 almost experienced. But our skipper escaped the forearm 
 of his craft and lives to hang in a better cause. Friends 
 happened to follow down the trail (he had friends wher- 
 
91 TEE DECLINE AND FALL OP 
 
 ever he had acquaintances), and they vouched for his tale 
 of woes versus the tale of the two kids of Seattle. Then 
 this Virginia coon, barely escaped from being skinned 
 and barbecued, sailed down through White Horn Rapids, 
 whistling "Dixie," with his heaviest sails afloat, and landed 
 in another week at Louistown, the other shore of Dawson, 
 with 2,000 pounds of grub of the actual value of $2,000. 
 He proposes staying with us a year and hopes to replace 
 this grub cache with the same weight of gold-dust and 
 nuggets and hie him back to old Virginia. 
 
 GAMBLING IN DAWSON. 
 
 Passing an idle hour in the Miners' Home poking 
 about from faro table to poker game, I was arrested by 
 a peculiar spilling noise something of the manner I have 
 heard from the ripping of a farmer's grain bag and the 
 spilling of his wheat. This was a sharper click, how 
 ever, a metallic ring which wheat at 50 cents per bushel 
 never possessed. Claimant of No. 7 Eldorado had bursted 
 his sack of dust. The fire shovel and broom were brought 
 into requisition and a hasty clean-up made of what was 
 in sight. The claimant of No. 7 said : "Come and drink, 
 everybody come and drink!" Sometimes the Miners' 
 Home has a hundred patrons, but No. 7 Eldorado was 
 game and did not quail before this number, even if the 
 drinks are 50 cents each. Then No. 7, always a high- 
 stepper with several drinks, deposited the remains of his 
 sack in the faro dealer's box. Of course, once there it 
 is a time deposit. 
 
 This is preparatory to a discussion of gambling in the 
 Klondike. A dealer with whom I am in touch confides 
 to me that his house cleans up nightly about $2,000. 
 Of this sum a share must be credited to the bar. "We 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONE8, M. D. 95 
 
 broke Smooth-faced Billy last night. He began playing 
 several days ago with a few thousand dollars, but, poor 
 fellow, did not hold out long. In poker the rake-off is 
 big, four bits for every deal and four bits for every pair. 
 It is not a popular game. Our spring trade was good. 
 A lot of cheechokers assumed the role of professionals, 
 and with a lot of little tricks and actual steals as ac 
 complishments made big clean-ups. Now actual profes 
 sionals run the games, and only they and the proprietors 
 make money. It is common here for the player to be as 
 full as his sack associate conditions. There seems to 
 be a fellow-feeling between a full claimant and his full 
 sack, and usually the fullness of both ooze out hand in 
 hand, and both may be met on the homeward trail after 
 a few days in the same dilapidated condition. It is usual 
 to hand one's sack to the dealer, who deposits it in his 
 strong-box. It is common here for the player to take a 
 pile of chips and continue his drinks; and it not unfre- 
 quently happens that he is so tired or so sleepy that he 
 walks off, leaving his deposit to our tender mercies. Why, 
 sometimes we close the game in the mornin'g with so many 
 dust-sacks left behind that we are at a loss for room. 
 Yes, most of them are redeemed or redeposited." 
 
 There are no new facts in the matter of gambling to 
 differ from all old historic mining camps. The profes 
 sionals live by it, as do the proprietors of the game. 
 
 Just lately a smart Aleck with the brand "Goldy" 
 started out to beat the record of damphools. He beat 
 it so many leagues that he forfeited his rights entirely 
 to the damphools' club. They may, however, institute a 
 forty-second degree for him. Goldy, by close attention 
 to business, with a blink eye on supplies and a sharp eye 
 on corners, had accumulated above $20,000 in dust; then 
 he let himself loose on the town. Of course he was 
 
96 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 tendered the freedom of the city; all fools are when they 
 have a bounteous hand. In two weeks he had gambled 
 away his $20,000 in toto all rights and titles thereto 
 and to all its fragments. His wreck of scattered brains 
 will scarcely serve as a foundation for a new fortune, 
 since so many new fools are encompassed here and oppo 
 sition must bar trade. If Goldy had a claim on Eldorado 
 we would not say "Poor fool," for a few days' clean-up 
 would fill his sack and he would be with us once again. 
 Take a tumble to yourself, Goldy. Go marry a squaw 
 and live on brain food she will supply you with dried 
 fish. You may in that way get credit enough to receive 
 Christian burial! 
 
 It is said the civil government of the Klondike pro 
 poses abolishing gambling, but at present the government 
 suggested is sitting on dog-sleds at the head of the Yukon 
 awaiting ways and means. It is short of not wheels, but 
 motive power. More dogs are necessary to run the gov 
 ernment to run it down to Dawson. It makes one mad 
 to reflect upon gambling, to think of one man in a trick, 
 a scheme of baiting a hook with gold, a miserable, sneak 
 ing hook wherewith to take, to hook, to steal, to sneak 
 from some fellow-mortal his gold, his goods, his toil, his 
 cache, his family's life and support, to wrest this from 
 him and them and store the ill-gotten cache as his own! 
 
 THE LONGEST NIGHT. 
 
 Oh, the cold and dreary winter! Oh, the cold and 
 weary winter! 
 
 It is cold and dreary sure up here in Alaska, yes, to 
 some of us weary. The government thermometer has al 
 ready marked 62, and that any fool knows is very cold. 
 
 We all stand it like heroes; we must. The sled and 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 97 
 
 axe up the hillside for wood is a terror. The night is like 
 being bound down in a dungeon,, bound down helpless by 
 every conceivable mass and collection of bedclothes, wear 
 ing apparel, and of household articles that can cover one. 
 Getting up in the morning is a terror, is full of fear and 
 trembling amid snapping of frost and freezing things in 
 cans and buckets. Meals are eaten with a reserve grown 
 of the possibilities of a whole winter of this which would 
 run the larder so low that worse than cold may follow. 
 But, thanks, the 62 proved to be only a cold snap. A 
 breathing spell, a warm wave, is already peeping in to see 
 how we faced it, how we bear up with the freaks of 
 Alaska's Jack Frost. It looks us over carefully, ears, 
 nose, cheeks, toes, and congratulates us upon having so 
 happily outwitted Jack the rustler, for not a kick is com 
 ing. 
 
 I have no almanac to consult in the matter of longest 
 day and night and therefore am not official. This 23d 
 day of December I observe the shades of night setting 
 down upon us from about 3 P.M. Night does not fall 
 upon us suddenly, unexpected. We are so hemmed in 
 by the mountains at Dawson that the sun is down long 
 before its legitimate retiring hour. This time of year 
 the sun does not seem to fill the bill to obey the mandate 
 accompanying its introduction to us to shine by day. 
 I am quite sure no one here has seen it shine for the 
 past two months. It has a simple, sluggish habit of get 
 ting up sometimes during the morning, possibly rising 
 over the distant south hills about the height one could 
 reach with a ten-foot pole. There it sits merely outlined 
 above the horizon. 
 
 December 24. It might have had the graciousness to 
 greet us to-day if only to say "Good-day, friends. We 
 will meet soon again and I will stay with you." Mr, 
 
08 THE DECLINE AND FALL 0$ 
 
 Sun, we will forgive you showing us the cold shoulder 
 if some day you open up to us gold galore, and we will 
 go along flirting with the silvery moon or sport with that 
 fancy, fickle aurora borealis for the present. 
 
 "The sun rises in the east to open up the day." Oh, no ! 
 My good brethren, you must close your shops up here in 
 the winter. It does not rise in the east. 'Way down 
 south you look for its peep into day. To-day about 11 
 A.M. it mounts its southern stairway, takes its throne in 
 an obscure balcony, reclines there until 2 P.M., then 
 glides down the bannister of the same southern stairway 
 and disappears until to-morrow. 
 
 Mechanics at outside work get in only a few hours' 
 time. Miners of course work by candlelight. And yet 
 I must confess the winter is not so very weary. Time 
 passes in some inconceivable way. Daylight is utilized 
 in getting wood and water and in marketing. Evenings 
 go in cooking, house-cleaning, errands, gossip, and news- 
 gathering. If weary the bunk is always open to us, and 
 sleep up here goes hand in hand with eating. We never 
 have our fill. The most hardened sinner can sleep ten 
 hours out of the twenty-four. You will suggest: "A 
 letter home now and then." You would not suggest it 
 from our standpoint. I am from home now five months 
 and not one word from there has reached me. Under 
 such conditions one quite loses taste for writing letters 
 home. Of course letters home were prolific for months, 
 but by this time we have forgotten what we have here 
 tofore recorded. Moreover, we are learning that we have 
 written innumerable lies to the outside. We are learn 
 ing that only one news item of six is reliable. We have 
 already learned to not believe anything we hear, and 
 only after personal investigation can we vovck for an 
 item. We are afraid to chronicle any news lest we must 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 99 
 
 dispatch a letter to correct it. The old way our way 
 of news-gathering, from mouth to mouth, is quite thrill 
 ing, but the old Bladder at home would blush itself into 
 an apoplexy to be caught in 10 per ^ent. of the lying 
 that makes up our daily news. These are to-day's head 
 lines: "A nugget was found to-day in Eldorado weigh 
 ing just one pound." "No. 24 has made a new strike. 
 The pay streak, three feet thick, pans out $100 per pan." 
 "Hunker has a big find a pan of dirt has more gold 
 than waste." "There is a stampede to Sulphur; No. 20 
 has $20 to the pan and claims are selling for $100,000." 
 "Dalton, who went out on the first ice, was robbed and 
 killed, with his four partners. They had $40,000, which 
 was carried off." To-morrow every one of these reports 
 will be corrected or denied. It is, however, an average 
 daily bulletin. 
 
 But home haunts us. Home looms up every day as 
 stanch, honest old home yes, sweet home! This night 
 would not be so long if the morrow waited us with a 
 cheerful breakfast and a cheerful waiter. If we could 
 go into the old bath-tub for a splash before going to bed 
 we would sleep better. If we had a bin of coal at $5 per 
 ton instead of wood at $40 per cord we would not long 
 for home quite so much. And if just here I could com 
 pound a glass of hot rum for 20 cents with a good cigar; 
 thrown in, instead of going up to the bar and paying 
 $1, I would sleep to-night and dreams perchance would 
 not haunt me. If somebody from home was bent over 
 this cranky three-legged stool, reading as I write, then 
 this longest night might not be too long. Yes, my cof 
 fee-pot is boiling hot at this present moment and a lunch 
 is peeping out of the box cupboard, I should say and 
 such an appetite ! Only a little dried herring and a sea 
 biscuit ! And do you think I cannot make merry over the. 
 
100 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 exit of the longest day with this feast? Not everybody 
 elbowing me about Dawson can give thanks for as much. 
 
 Saloons are gradually closing because whisky is giving 
 out. A home-made whisky, "hootch," is in vogue, but it 
 kills at a given number of rods. Dancing halls are in 
 full play, but with the exit of whisky it will be exit girls. 
 Gambling must wane with hootch and other stimulants, 
 yet will hold out against almost every odd. Men and 
 miners get good pay and are generally provided for, but 
 out of 4,000 people in and about Dawson there is an un 
 dercurrent of misery that the "widow," or the tallow dip, 
 can never bring to light. There is a genteel element who 
 came here the Lord knows for what. No visible means of 
 support. "Too proud to beg," these are the ones now 
 dreaming of home and thanking their stars that the 
 longest night goes to-day and that sunshine ere long will 
 come. 
 
 There are some veritable nabobs in Dawson, some who 
 even keep not carriages, but dog teams for luxury, and 
 dogs are worth $300 to-day, while their keep is equivalent 
 to $1 per pound of food. 
 
 Samuel Sawbones came in to-day and placed a four- 
 ounce bottle of laudanum on my shelf. A lawyer out 
 side, but driven up here by the panic the gold-bug rule 
 approached the doctor with this little bottle, and poor 
 Samuel gave him $2.50 for it. "Why," said Sawbones, 
 "I saw want in the shadow that man made by the 'moon 
 light." An old chap sixty-five years old pulled up. "Want 
 some wood?" Charity looked out from his face. "Yes." 
 He piled up his little sled load of limb wood and figured 
 44 square feet at 27 cents per square foot. "Eleven dol 
 lars and eighty cents, sir." "And how much to cut?" 
 "Four dollars, sir." I cut it myself. 
 
 Many sit this longest night in cold abstraction as to 
 
THE WIDOW ON THE 
 KLONDYKE. 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONE8, M. D. 101 
 
 how to make this lingering winter meet late spring. But 
 in face of all this there is gold; the gulches are all full 
 of gold. That is what we stampeders iiere to the Klon 
 dike came for; and why shall we not gather it in and 
 carry it home? 
 
 Well, the tallow-dip fiend he who cornered the candles 
 has had his day, and from now on will be in the de 
 cline. The widow will soon have short hours' work again. 
 The saloons, gambling, dancing, all these that thrive by 
 night alone, will be sorry the longest night has come and 
 gone. All the rest of us will join hand in hand and 
 jubilate over it. The widow? Well, she deserves hon 
 orable mention. In fact, to half the population of the 
 Klondike the longest night would be twice as long only 
 for the light of the widow. Candles have already dropped 
 in price, yet most of them cannot buy. To us the light 
 of thy countenance, dear widow, must drive dull dark 
 ness away. She is fractious at times would not be a 
 widow if she were not. She is fastidious, again: must 
 be fed on the fat of the land and the crumbs of the bacon 
 must be well out of the grease if you will depend upon 
 her brightest smile. She resents the cold and settles down 
 to a poor icy glimmer until you warm her well. She 
 spits and flutters much, according to how the barometer 
 sits down upon her. She must be dressed to a nicety or she 
 may get into a pet. She may be gay and lively, dull or 
 stupid, just as you coax her. It never failed that I got 
 out of temper and tried to drive her but that I had time in 
 the gloom of her rebellion to ponder and repent. Oh, no ; 
 the widow of the Klondike does not flirt and run away 
 with a better-looking man. Give her her dues and all 
 goes "By your leave, sir !" So unlike the widow of home 
 associations! In fact, she is strictly what you make her 
 and never off color. And with all her faults we love her 
 
102 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 still. The fine point of a Klondike widow is that any 
 body can make one : a flat or half tin can ; twist of candle- 
 wick nicely adjusted over the top; this filled with bacon 
 fat or lard. 
 
 I am sitting out this longest night hoping to be of 
 service recording minutes that might guide the thou 
 sands who may follow us to these wilds. How futile will 
 such hope be ! 
 
 This night must finish its own reflections. The aurora 
 has a brightness in it that I fain would copy, but it will 
 not ebb and flow. 
 
 And now the widow spluttered as if to say "to bed." 
 This I will, and with more than the usual grace repeat 
 "Now I lay me down to sleep." 
 
 WINDY ARM. 
 
 Ah, thou fiendish, gluttonous Windy Arm! Give up 
 thy dead, give up thy feasting upon us, and say "finis" to 
 "tales of woe" now ready to be written already written. 
 
 Yes, all was calm and quiet when our little boat-load 
 put its trust in the good behavior of Windy Arm. They 
 did not know that every turn in Windy Arm meant a 
 change of weather, of wind and waves; that every hour 
 meant weal or woe to the landlubber sailor. They soon 
 learned this. Yes. Christine Nillson was a buxom lass, 
 fair, a little fat, with a little brogue and a light step. 
 Just a little Swedish was left in her speech through her 
 mother's early prayers, for she was American almost, just 
 a year or two of infancy wanting. But she was all Amer 
 ican in go, in get up and dust, in matters of the mighty 
 dollar, in muscle and physical endurance. Christine had 
 crossed safely and with honorable mention the notorious 
 Skagway trail. She had crossed it, and praise be raised 
 
SAMUEL 3AWBONE8, M. B. 103 
 
 up to her, without shifting her burden upon the back of 
 the beastly bony bulk in shape of man, the Siwash Indian. 
 Christine had made her debut upon the shores of Windy 
 Arm with a family sewing machine strapped to her back 
 bound for Dawson on the Klondike. She dreamed of 
 making parkees, moccasins, caps, and mittens for the 
 bonanza kings of that camp. Nor was she much off her 
 base in the speculations, only that the best-laid plans of 
 men and mice aft gang aglee. Christine's courage, her 
 comely face, and her service in camp made her an ac 
 ceptable passenger for the route down the river. Three 
 of the stern sex occupied the frail ship that was to land 
 her and her machine on the Klondike shore. One at the 
 helm and two at the oars is the usual ship's crew on 
 Windy Arm. Alas ! Christine, that thou art so comely, 
 so fresh, so charming, for else Windy Arm might not now 
 be counting so high its victims, its season not so abundant. 
 Of all the arrivals at Dawson, the most harassing tales, 
 the most extensive lies are told regarding Windy Arm. 
 The waves at many points in the most modest account are 
 not less than twenty feet high; other stories make them 
 fifty feet. Just where there is always a sereneness, a 
 calm, on the lake to make one take one easy breath, then 
 the next short turn, only the length of a boat, where it 
 tumbles the craft in a mountainous sea, there the steers 
 man cast one wayward sidelong glance at the blossom 
 cheeks and sparkling eyes of Christine cast a fatal 
 glance, for in that glance he forgot the rudder, and this 
 slipped from his hands as the fair girl slipped into his 
 head; a fatal covetous glance indeed, for that moment, 
 the very spur of that moment, one of these fifty-feet-high 
 waves, born of Windy Arm, struck the craft aft, and our 
 upturned boat rode on its crest, a bare structure; nothing 
 more was to be seen. Two strange freaks need here be 
 
104 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 chronicled chronicled only and not explained. The 
 boat overturning shipped its bulk in air, which buoyed it 
 up while the cargo spilled out and sank; spilled out all 
 save Christine and the steersman, who each clung to a 
 cross-beam and were free to breathe in the air chamber 
 as above created instead of compelled to drown in the 
 water and sink with their companions and their posses 
 sions. The second freak was that the wave that wrecked 
 the ship was the last, if not the sole, wave sent booming 
 that hour and at that point at Windy Arm. Therefore 
 the wreck floated on the peaceful bosom of that lake with 
 out change of position or without either danger or relief 
 to the hidden contents. 
 
 The absence of any very dear thing that draws two 
 people together, or intuitiveness or instinct, might have 
 left one or each of the two victims to his or her special 
 prayer for safe delivery from the dangers of the sea and 
 sudden death. Only Christine had never heard it to be 
 her duty to lay up treasures in heaven, where moth and 
 rust and ihe waves of Windy Arm shall not corrupt, there 
 fore she bewailed the loss of her sewing machine, not in 
 the feeble tongue of saying her beads, but in fierce hys 
 terical lamentations that could be heard not by the gods 
 of the sea, else they would have given up the machine, but 
 by the steersman of the sunken craft, who at once located 
 her and extended all possible consolation along with a 
 helping hand. This was timely, too, for Christine in 
 deed might have forgotten her hold on existence in her 
 struggle over her most promising means of existence. He 
 clasped her clasp the tighter, in fact, squeezing it need 
 lessly, if not thoughtlessly, while he poured into her list 
 less ear hope and life and taught her to forgive the deep 
 for swallowing up her all, her sewing machine. 
 
 They floated on quietly, nor did the minutes appear 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 105 
 
 hours. The steersman forgetting danger, began to pour 
 out to Christine a great big casket of woes. He was a 
 lonely creature tired of himself and yet always satis 
 fied until his trail led into hers. Since that early morn 
 ing when first he met her and pooled his issues his 
 grub with hers for the voyage down the Yukon he had 
 longed for something more than was his share during 
 bachelorhood. He had not slept, only dreamed of her. 
 Of course he would not have made this break in his rea 
 sonable plea, only that while pleading he yet had to be 
 exercising his mind at the same time with his heart de 
 vising ways and means for getting out of the predica 
 ment into which Windy Arm had placed them; therefore 
 he was excusable. He continued unchecked pouring out 
 a tale of love and mixing it up with his inventions for re 
 lief of the physical strain. 
 
 "I know, Christine, that this is a divine interposi 
 tion to throw our fortunes into one channel that we 
 may float down life hand in hand, heart with heart 
 that our lives shall be one I" 
 
 "You nasty fellow!" exclaimed Christine, breaking out 
 in a hysterical fit. "You drown my poor machine and 
 give me one man. My sewing machine was worth a dozen 
 men." 
 
 "But, my dear, I will buy you a new one in the Klon 
 dike, and I will discover you a mine, and we will load 
 the boat with gold and pull together our way home. We 
 will be married and will not forget the rudder and 
 drown." 
 
 And then poor Christine began to melt and unload her 
 bosom. 
 
 "'Way back in Dakota I have a sweetheart Peter the 
 blacksmith. Peter is such a very good man and he loves 
 me so. He wants to marry me, but Peter has a mother 
 
106 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 a poor old mother to support, and his strong arm Vay 
 back in Dakota will not keep his mother in good strong 
 tea, in soft warm blankets, with a good roaring fire, and 
 at the same time buy nice ribbons and a lovely bonnet for 
 a wife, with Sunday clothes for himself. So Peter and I 
 agreed that I should go to the Klondike with my sewing 
 machine and bring back a great bag of gold. Then we 
 should be married and his mother should continue in 
 luxury as at present. I do not believe a kind providence 
 means to come in between me and Peter, and that my 
 treasure at the bottom of this sea was providential, and 
 that I was to marry some one else who perhaps has a best 
 girl at home." 
 
 The steersman, still undaunted, combined his woes and 
 arguments. 
 
 "But, you see, your sewing machine is no good on 
 the Klondike; it is no means of support. All the sewing 
 is done by the Indians with bone needles and thread made 
 out of deer tendons. They sew all the gloves and caps 
 and moccasins and parkees. Nobody wears white shirts 
 and collars, no fine gowns, so I really think a divine ruling 
 interfered to save you a useless trouble packing your ma 
 chine 600 miles. And as for Peter, he will content himself 
 pounding iron into gold and silver for his dear old mother. 
 He will go on and on forever to the same tune, of course 
 dreaming now and then of his fair Christine Vay off in 
 icy Alaska buried there in the bottom of the treacherous 
 Windy Arm, for so it will be reported. We all turned 
 under and we will all be reported lost we two with the 
 two oarsmen and the machine. We will not correct this 
 report and Peter will not be the wiser. The ring of the 
 steel daily in his ears will soon drown 'Christine' out and 
 he will whistle the same lively tune of yore. I am sure, 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 10? 
 
 my dear Christine, you must see the hand of some ruling 
 power in all this." 
 
 Then the bold steersman, having touched bottom, knew 
 they were drifting ashore and safe. Yet he recognized the 
 danger of losing Christine, and accordingly made his mas 
 ter stroke. He rocked the boat to frighten her, and when 
 she clung the tighter to him he repeated his whole lore of 
 love and made Christine believe their two hearts really 
 beat as one ; that the machine was the mistake of her life ; 
 that Peter is far happier in single blessedness. Then he 
 again rocked her almost into a swoon, and Christine, ir 
 responsible, faltered a feeble "yes." 
 
 In the waning of the season Christine was ensconced in 
 a snug little cabin on Hunker Creek, there baking sour 
 dough bread, frying bacon, boiling beans, making tea 
 yes, splitting wood and carrying water for her liege mas 
 ter, the bad steersman of Windy Arm. He had taken a 
 "lay" on Hunker and was prospecting the claim. Only 
 15 cents to the pan is yet found, which after paying the 
 owner 50 per cent, royalty will about pay wages. This 
 keeps the wolf from the door, but no milk and honey goes 
 with it. Nor will it return them to America next year. 
 Yet he may strike it richer any day, and this hope buoys 
 him up and on. Not so poor Christine. Her bold steers 
 man, alas ! will never strike anything so near and so dear 
 as the sound of her old lover Peter's hammer; this is 
 ringing in her ears from morn till eve. Now and then the 
 pick in the mine beats the rocks, and in this she hears 
 and feels the spirit of her dear old lover beating a doubly 
 fierce stroke as if to deaden his soul against his woe. She 
 imagines this vibrates even up to Hunker on the Klondike, 
 and she holds out her hands, not supplicating him to 
 come unto her and deliver her, but to forgive her and 
 forget. 
 
108 TEE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 SOCIETY IN DAWSON". 
 
 Ah, there, Samuel! Off to the Pioneer Club? Sure. 
 The first dance of the season was the Alaska Press Club. 
 I was not honored with an invitation, but sneaked in 
 the back door and viewed it over all the same. And what 
 did I see? All sorts of funny things. About five hun 
 dred of the funniest things were the Press Club them 
 selves. "No, not five hundred." Well, you will not be 
 lieve how many newspaper correspondents are or were 
 on the Klondike this first rush. Nor will you believe 
 what a race of men in a race for fame, and a race for 
 claims, and a race for news, and a race for the biggest 
 thing in wind, and a race for first outside to get the 
 said stuff first in their own special bladder publications, 
 were here and at this ball. 
 
 There was Spleen Hash, of the San Francisco Gold 
 Bug, dancing with Siwash George's squaw; the Kansas 
 City Star correspondent, a graceful girl in full dress, 
 in the maze of a waltz with "Nigger Jim" in mucklucks, 
 shirt-sleeves, and suspenders; and Jones, of the P. I., 
 two-stepping with a pretty half-breed whose sweetheart 
 danced his moccasins off in a jig to his own swearing; 
 and well, the society editor was not there and I have 
 no copy for details. 
 
 Next on board was the Elks' ball. I got only a glimpe 
 of this brilliant occasion. Many were dressed in the cus- 
 tume of outside, while others were in the costumes of the 
 country; this is a short skirt, mucklucks, or moccasins, 
 and a parkee of moose skin. The Elks themselves 
 some had collar and tie with washed hands. Everything 
 goes. It seems everybody here dances. Everybody had 
 to dance to get into the country and think best to keep 
 on dancing until they dance out. The Elks, of course, 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 109 
 
 gave special attention to the native moose eaters, who 
 especially love dancing. 
 
 The Catholic fair for the hospital was a society event 
 as well as a charity affair. The usual fair attendants were 
 not wanting. Conspicuous was ice cream only half frozen 
 solid. Of course dancing followed we take to it as we 
 do to bacon and beans. We pay in dust at the fair. The 
 fair unfair weigher, cashier, takes our "poke," puts on 
 the scales some promiscuous weights, dumps in the con 
 tents, and hands back the sack, for which we are devoutly 
 thankful. 
 
 The regular weekly Pioneer dance is open to chee- 
 chokers with respectable antecedents; terms, $12 per night. 
 I actually saw this dance break up at 9 A.M. Some 
 fair women are here with us, but so few one must almost 
 shoot his way for a partner in any event. The dukes of 
 Skookum, the Eldorado kings, and the Bonanza chiefs 
 monopolize any and all those who have not come in with 
 husbands. 
 
 There are some breaths of select airs already afloat. I 
 am not sure how long the squire's wife, or the judges, 
 or the bishops will stand up against the wives and daugh 
 ters of claimants of No. Eldorado or Bonanza or Dis 
 covery on Skookum Jim Pup, even though these may 
 make sad music with their h's and the Siwash linguism 
 may vibrate harshly. 
 
 HOME COMPANIONS. 
 
 "Ah, little mousie, I heard you ! I heard you !" 
 Through the night long there was that busy, industrious 
 grinding, that pattering of little feet, that rapid transit, 
 then that silent, watchful interim, and again the rasping 
 and rolling. I heard and did not fling a boot or a 
 
110 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 pillow. Honest? Yes. The old instinct was to hurl 
 one or all of these, but my bed was so warm and the 
 floor so cold that I was quite willing to let my humanity 
 get the better of me. I lay there and listened even as 
 my flour and beans and sugar, and all of these worth 
 $1 per pound, melted away under your good intentions 
 and most strenuous exertions. Where, oh, where did you 
 come from, little mouse? You did not come to Klondike 
 for gold ; you are not here the old associate of the natives. 
 You are too neat and clean for that, too industrious. 
 Whence came you and what is your mission? I am from 
 home now these six months, and did you steal upon me 
 to make this night ever so chilly, lingering to make it 
 homelike? You rouse up courage in me and drive off 
 dull despair. Go on, go on, dear little associate, in your 
 gay f eastings. Forget we were once enemies by force 
 of circumstances, and believe me we will be best of friends 
 by force of favors. Yes, yes, little mousie; you rock 
 me to sleep, even with the rustle and bustle in my sugar- 
 barrel. I am in dreamland. "Oh, there's that wicked 
 little mousie. It is among my chestnuts. Christmas is 
 coming, too. Oh, kill it! Now it is in my hickory-nut 
 bag. Get out, you horrid thing! Yes, mamma, it won't 
 leave my things alone and leave me to sleep." 
 
 CHRISTMAS ON THE KLONDIKE. 
 
 Christmas! "And did you really have Christmas on 
 the Klondike? Sure? And a Christmas tree? And a 
 plum pudding and turkey dinner?" Well, ye?, some of 
 us really had. The Christmas trees were few and scantily 
 arrayed, but we had some great dinners. Of course we 
 had no eggs up there this winter, and no cows, nor oysters, 
 nor cranberries, nor candies of any sort or size, nor nuts 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. HI 
 
 and sweet cider, nor popcorn, nor Christmas cards, nor 
 whistles and horns and skates, nor sleigh-bells and horses ; 
 and other things part and parcel of Christmas at home 
 were missing here; still we had a little Christmas in our 
 own good way. I saw several youths take their best girls 
 out sleighing with a dog team, and I saw some men who 
 had been drinking "Tom and Jerry" ! And there was a 
 Christmas ball and there were church services. We had, 
 too, some Christmas dinners that may astonish you as 
 coming from a famine country up at the mines on Eldo 
 rado. I have a picture of a dinner given by some friends 
 of mine. They pooled their genius as cooks, each donating 
 the several dishes in which they excelled. They had 
 stored away some fresh moose for the occasion; they 
 had run across a neighbor with a bag of grouse, a winter 
 species which inhabit here, and he gave them a share of 
 his shoot. One of the quarto has a widespread reputation 
 on "sour dough" bread and he provided a fair sample. 
 The bill of fare ran about thus: Bean soup; fried 
 salmon belly ; broiled moose steak with evaporated onions ; 
 roast beans with bacon; canned cabbage with pig's jowl; 
 roast grouse stuffed with peas and granulated potatoes; 
 tomatoes, cheese, pie, cake a bona fide plum cake, and 
 oh ! such a great cake it was I weep over it yet. 
 
 Then my neighbor Soggs, who is not a cook nor a 
 baker, but lives to eat and truly picks all sorts of points 
 for his palate, had a Christmas dinner all by and for 
 himself, but he let me in to taste it. He came in the 
 country late with a light outfit, but by industry and 
 rustle had fattened up his larder beyond possibilities of 
 many of the rest of us. He makes his own bread, as 
 everything else; he let me look on, willing to donate any 
 little crumbs I might pick up. 
 
 "No," he says, "I have not begun dinner yet, but I 
 
112 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 can get it up complete in half an hour. My bread is 
 baked." 
 
 Then he took down his bucket of sour dough and began 
 operations. First he poured into a dish and stiffened 
 enough for dumplings; this he set to boiling with a stew 
 of moose meat. Another lot he shortened for pie crust, 
 which at a later stage he plastered his plate with; then 
 he minced up dried apple, apricots, prunes, raisins, mixed 
 them rapidly, and filling the plate made a covering of 
 batter. It took a place in the oven. Then graham gems 
 popped up out of the same batter bucket and a little 
 later a big ginger cake. He believed he had almost 
 enough, as he did not care to sit long at the dinner, 
 not having any gossipy friend, nor cigar. But oh, my! 
 that moose pie ! It haunts me still. And the gems ! Each 
 one was a nugget. The pie he gave me of the pie to 
 taste, and I am speechless in the matter of portraying the 
 pie. Try it, try it, anybody, the combination of fruits 
 and the plan of building. Nothing turned out of that 
 one little "sour dough" bucket but seemed hashed up 
 for a feast for the gods. "No hand-outs for the merry 
 Christmas to the kids?" No. No kids called, and I 
 have not seen a ginger snap since in the country. I do 
 wonder if I can learn to make them. I will go in to 
 Soggs, my next-door neighbor, and say unto him: "I am 
 starving in these foreign parts for ginger snaps and there 
 are none in the land. I come unto you, for your house 
 is full of ways and means, and I need not want for 
 ginger snaps if you will give me the recipe and the 
 coaching necessary to make them." Of course I will 
 have Vay-up ginger snaps from the present writing. 
 
 You people 'way off in the south, keep your weather 
 eye open for the Klondike cook book. I will offer to the 
 public a Vay-up breakfast gotten up in three minutes; 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 113 
 
 a good dinner in thirty minutes; a swell party Christ 
 mas dinner, without the usual requisites eggs, cream, 
 oysters, turkeys, fruits, lemons. It will make pork and 
 beans palatable; show you how to economize cold cakes, 
 burnt cakes, sour bread; how to obscure horse meat and 
 incorporate it into caribou for select company ; how to 
 make a relish of salt salmon belly which will say "Ugh !" 
 to lobsters; which will show how to keep house in great 
 shape without kitchen furniture or cooking utensils. 
 
 EGGS. 
 
 Among the big heads and big dealers in Dawson one 
 finds big-fool results often. Last year the eggs of the 
 N. A. T. Company arrived here packed in salt. They 
 came in fresh, and I have it from first hand or mouth 
 that the restaurateur sold his single egg for $1 and 
 had a ready market until he laid his last egg in its little 
 dollar nest; then, after crowing just a few times over 
 it, he had to shut his shop, for beans and bacon would 
 not down without an egg. The salt, too, was in it so 
 far as the trading company fared, not the restaurateurs, 
 for the salt brought its 15 cents per pound as readily 
 as the egg its dollar. In fact, the N". A. T. Company 
 had a safe investment "quick sales and big profits" in 
 eggs. Never yet was a thing invented, or grown, or made 
 too good for the American trader nor half good enough 
 in profits for the present-day corporations. This year 
 the leading lights at the Chicago end of the N. A. T. 
 Company did not pack its eggs in salt. Did the $1 
 each and 15 cents for salt at the Dawson end look too 
 small? I give it up. As far as I can learn he had 
 hatched in his own head a new scheme, a unique one, 
 which must be tried at the expense of his company as 
 
114 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 likewise at the expense of we hungry, fastidious mortals 
 looking down the Yukon for the eggs' arrival. He had 
 each and every egg electrocuted, then packed, then shipped. 
 The modus operandi I cannot give, for the original in 
 ventor has not given it to us; no doubt he has a caveat 
 upon the process in the Patent Office. Nor can I explain 
 the different rights and titles, the claims thereto, nor 
 the profits to be realized therefrom. Whether an object 
 was to kill and preserve by the electric volt the little 
 chicks already within the shell and sell them to the 
 restaurateur, and through him to us old-timers, for spring 
 chickens ; whether to only prevent their growth and propa 
 gation under the summer sun of the Klondike, which 
 hatches mosquitoes at a temperature of 120 above; or 
 whether some damphool had assured him the electric shock 
 would kill all microbes within or likely to get through 
 the shell, and thereby preserve the egg fresh for time and 
 evermore, to make it quite worth the dollar which it 
 would command right here in camp, I know one thing 
 only: the eggs duly arrived on the company's swell boat 
 Hamilton. No remarks were made, no protests. They 
 were stored in the company's most elaborate warehouse. 
 No kicks came. Slowly and by degrees there was an 
 unusual congregation of Siwash dogs about that ware 
 house door. Then the employees tried to shorten their 
 hours within the doors of that special warehouse. Finally 
 Captain Healey began to swear; then everybody knew 
 something serious was turned up. In short, the Siwash 
 Indians, used to foul fish and stinking things of all sorts, 
 were paid extra wages to carry out upon the banks of 
 the Yukon the eggs in their nice labeled, extra finished 
 boxes, with the electrocuted chicks, microbes, and also, 
 I fear, hopes and fortunes of the great inventor of 
 Chicago. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 115 
 
 DOGS. 
 
 Dogs are legal tender on the Klondike; not only on 
 the Klondike, but up and down the Yukon and over all 
 Alaska. The winter of 1897-98 was especially memorable 
 in the matter of our obligations to dogs, for in them was 
 placed our dependence to run away from starvation, as 
 also we hoped much from them for supplies and for re 
 lief in general. It was heralded that the home govern 
 ment was succeeding the arbitrary police administration 
 by a branch of its own civil rule, a governor-general and 
 his staff. But these did not come in. Why? Dispatches 
 said they were encamped on the headwaters of the Yukon 
 and could not move because they had lost a pack of dogs, 
 and the message incidentally mentioned: "Also some 
 mounted police were drowned with the dogs/ 3 Thus we 
 see the wheels of government resting upon dogs. And 
 later experience has demonstrated that never since has 
 the government of the Klondike been on so solid and so 
 respectable a foundation. 
 
 During this season thoroughbred dogs were worth from 
 $300 up and half as much for scrubs. Thoroughbred is 
 as distinctive here in dog as in horseflesh outside. Thor 
 oughbreds here are the malamuth, a native Eskimo inbred 
 somewhere and much larger than the common, and a 
 Hudson Bay Company dog, the husky, with very much 
 wolf in his make-up. 
 
 There are many outside dogs here, which include Great 
 Danes, Newfoundland, shepherd, the "yellow dog" and 
 pet dogs. Very few of these last, however, for not many 
 of us are willing to amuse our women and children with 
 dogs eating food at $1 per pound. These out-country 
 dogs make good work dogs, quite as good to pull and as 
 strong as natives if well trained, but their feet do not 
 
116 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 stand the work as well and they need more or less pro 
 tection from extreme cold. They also must be fed more 
 carefully, needing much the same mess we take our 
 selves on the trail, only we can palm off upon them a sec 
 ond quality. Food a little burned or a little sour or a 
 little sad may be fooled upon the dogs and never a word 
 said. 
 
 The natives work and feed well upon fish alone and 
 with but one meal a day, yet when so kept they show it to 
 be rather hard times by their poverty flat sides and 
 scrubby furs. "Dog mushers" of our own race keep 
 much better and finer teams than do the Indians. Al 
 though the Indians may have well-bred dogs, they show 
 their associations and their feeding. A dog fancier could 
 write a book upon the material and could talk dog with 
 as much fluency and gusto as the jockey can dilate upon 
 the thoroughbred racer. But aside from his being the 
 beast of burden in this country, he is the same miserable 
 cur in many of his spare moments and in many of his 
 parts as you find him at home in your neighbor's dog, 
 of course. 
 
 Dogs, like horses, vary in their capacities. Size, of 
 course, tells, but his pulling is not wholly weight; like 
 in a horse, 'tis blood. Now and then we see trotting along 
 a wee bit of a whiffet with a sled and a great big duffer 
 thereon, maybe an Indian, maybe a self-styled white man. 
 Scores of miners have one dog; this for company to some 
 extent, but chiefly for use. In the winter season one dog 
 in a sled with the man at the gee-pole will carry from 
 200 to 400 pounds. One dog cannot pull nearly as much 
 as one man at a hard scratch, but their good work comes 
 in this way: He will pull all the time. Should I be 
 carrying my worldly possessions or freighting my spring 
 clean-up to Dawson, I would ptrll hard at every hill and 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 117 
 
 pull along over up grade, but at down grade or on a level 
 I would spell myself and let poor "mush" continue the 
 burden. The continual drag and the rapid gait dog 
 trot make dog teams count in freighting. Six dogs will 
 not pull more than half a ton, but they will make two 
 trips to the horse's one. I hired a no-get-up Englishman 
 with a one-horse sled to haul me some wood. It was 
 less than two miles, good sledding, no hills, no obstacles, 
 and by the hour it cost me $25 per cord; then a team of 
 dogs finished the contract for $20. For plain freighting 
 or traveling the dog is 'way ahead of the cayuse or mule, 
 aside from his convenience. 
 
 Dogs are smart, we all know; being smart they are 
 tricky; being tricky they are cussed; being cussed 
 there is no end to the fool things they may do. They 
 start and liven up under the startling command "mush!" 
 They gee or haw as the old plow horse of the Dutch 
 farmer. They whoa sometimes when you make the 
 kind suggestion. A lady in to see me but to-day said she 
 went up to stake on Nine Mile, and her dogs ran away, 
 leaving her to walk a distance wbjch exhausted her. 
 
 "Yes," she says, "these dogs know when women are 
 behind them, and just as soon as the sled upset and we 
 fell off they ran. Twice they got away from us and were 
 caught on the claims up the creek. If we go in a basket 
 sleigh from which we do not fall out the dogs always stop 
 upon its overturning, for they know they cannot then 
 get away, but if from a common sled we roll off and out 
 of reach, maybe down the bank, then they do run." 
 
 The dogs on the Klondike are almost universally hitched 
 in single file, and they all file around the turns and crooks 
 and between trees and about stumps without stopping to 
 consider circumstances, and when one is riding the sled 
 with no person at the gee-pole to guide, then the sled is 
 
118 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 continually floundering about, upsetting and snubbing. 
 When a young fellow takes his best girl out sleigh-riding 
 he must run the dogs at the gee-pole, or if he is swell and 
 has a basket sleigh, then run behind, guiding from the 
 handle back of the sleigh. He by no manner or means 
 suggests to himself the privilege of riding with his sweet 
 heart. Yes, from over the rail behind may come some 
 tender soft wooing, but with her Eskimo hood of skins 
 and furs possibly not one little coo startles the drum of 
 her padded ear; and were he to be running at the gee- 
 pole he would fare no better, for his glance would only 
 rest upon the same furs and feathers without penetrating 
 within. He must not be caught napping at his post, 
 dreaming, sighing, for perchance here comes a team down 
 the trail, and should the two take a turn to the same side, 
 Miss Daisy will take a tumble to herself which her lover 
 will scarcely be able to adjust. Yes, they will sometimes, 
 quite frequently indeed, intermix, especially turning cor 
 ners and on curves. Still worse, they often, in passing, 
 pile up in a wholesale dog fight, the whole team of each part 
 and party, all hitched and tangled into the worst imagina 
 ble football mass. And were it you, my dear friend, what 
 would you do about it if your girl was wound and bound 
 and doubled up and piled up into a big writhing mass 
 of dogs and sleds and furs? Why, you would say, "The 
 Lord have mercy on my soul/' and proceed to pound the 
 dogs over the head and pry open their jaws, for these 
 Eskimos are wolfish and game. Then you would hunt 
 up the bundle and unravel it. Maybe she is frightened, 
 maybe laughing, but you would not laugh, for here is a 
 dump of ruins. Her robe, worth $200, her parkee, $100, 
 her hood, $50 all these will be ruined and you will 
 have to replace them. A freighter will run a load up 
 the Klondike district or over any broken tract from 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 119 
 
 twenty to forty miles and back the next day. He uses 
 the dogs about as he would use his horses as to rest and 
 feed and work. Going out of the country during the 
 winter is usually a matter of, say, three to four dogs to 
 three men. These will carry for each man his total out 
 fit, which must be limited to 125 pounds; added is the 
 dog feed, which must be two pounds per day for each dog. 
 The trip may be made in thirty days, but forty-five days 
 is the more general time. Men going out must help their 
 dogs must go ahead to break trail if blown shut, and do 
 the heavy pulling over snow banks and ice drifts. The 
 man who cannot hitch himself to and be dog, in fact, had 
 better stay in and go down and out on a dog raft in the 
 spring. 
 
 Dogs make very good pack animals and are used no little 
 bit for such purpose, especially in summer; in fact, it is 
 the only way to utilize them in the summer. They are 
 easily disabled by overloading. They cut up the same 
 funny freaks under pack-saddles as they do in harness, 
 never quite forgetting they are dogs, born for the chase, 
 for fighting, for food of all sorts and kinds and in all 
 seasons, and it looks to me also for fun. Last summer 
 Bill Bludson was working a bar claim Vay up on a "pup" 
 of Forty Mile. These bar and bench claims we work 
 during summer. Billy's claim was in the wilderness, and 
 before making his fall clean-up he was down to the town 
 and borrowed from his old friends some dogs to help 
 pack. He had a glorious summer and a clean-up made 
 glorious by the sum and substance of his gold sacks. 
 Down the gulch he comes as jubilant as if his path was 
 gold, whistling "When the cows come home/' and his four 
 dogs panting under their great weight two heavy gold 
 sacks straddling the back of each. Just at the highest 
 chord of his musical march a jack rabbit bounced up and 
 
120 THE DECLINE AND PALL OF 
 
 oil into the wilderness. Billy and the whole Desdemonu 
 might bellow whoa and make Hell's Half Acre noisy with 
 their voices, but they could no more stop this pack of 
 Eskimos after a mad hare than they could walk up over the 
 aurora borealis. But I am happy to chronicle that Billy 
 made a second clean-up which exactly balanced the first. 
 One dog was caught under a fallen tree, another had top 
 pled over on his back and his great bag held him down, 
 and so on till all were corraled. 
 
 Dogs do not bark in Alaska. There is no bark in a 
 native dog, while outside dogs want to ape the old-timers 
 or else are ashamed to give themselves away as chee- 
 chokers. Maybe they are actually ashamed of the low, 
 onery association which it carries them back to. You see 
 they are now "the noble beast," and their walk and con 
 versation must be in accordance therewith. But oh! oh! 
 oh ! Deliver me from the prevailing social system among 
 these dogs. I need not recall to you that much wolf ex 
 ists in these native dogs. Then as a form of communica 
 tion, for ebullition of fellow-feeling, or for self-amuse 
 ment, maybe for cussedness, you have their howl, their 
 weird bellow, their piercing cry, their shrill tongue, with 
 all the echoes of these from the surrounding hills and 
 caverns in a blending, a most excruciating combination 
 these with the corrupted bark of the non-linguists in any 
 and every pitch interwoven, this pooling of discord and 
 hideousness weaves a web of agony that I cannot picture. 
 
 LETTERS. 
 
 Samuel Sawbones stood three days in the line before 
 the post-office door, but could not reach the inner temple. 
 He gave up the race and sent through one of the devious 
 ways a five-dollar piece to the postmaster and promptly 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 121 
 
 received his first home missive. It was full of all sorts 
 of news, and blessings, and promises, and queries. The 
 dear, good Nella was solicitous in the extreme for him 
 in any and all parts, but was quite undemonstrative in 
 all care or anxiety about herself. This was in striking 
 contrast to her early letters. She gave no demonstrations 
 of dying because of his absence. She did not pray for 
 advice as to what she should do to occupy her mind and 
 relieve it from longing. She exhibited evidence of having 
 quite enough to do to drive off ennui. She had, in fact, 
 kept on making innovations upon poor man; was taking 
 on all rites and ceremonies of the new woman as fast 
 as conscience would allow them to ripen. Not all this 
 was confided to the dear doctor, but enough to make 
 his reflections anything but happy. 
 
 Of course she was coming to the Klondike with the 
 first wave of spring, and she would outfit according to 
 the details of his experience, yet she had suggestions of 
 her own. If they pleased him she might carry them 
 through. Samuel could read that the girl was becoming 
 tainted, first by worldly people, then by worldly vanities, 
 again by the world's disgruntlers. He observed that she 
 was experienced enough to not need a chaperone or guide 
 and protector; that she would outfit as to comfort and 
 utility without reservation; that she had lost scruples 
 against rustling and laying up treasure here below in any 
 and all the mysterious ways of the present world. Her 
 tender passions broke out here and there in the letters, 
 but not many tear-drops obscured the pages. She was 
 curious to know the political aspect of the country and 
 as to church work and the state of society. I wrote out 
 "Society in Dawson" for Sawbones, while he himself 
 chronicled how the churches of the Lord cannot stand 
 up against the Klondikers that both were in ashes. 
 
122 TEE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 She gave quite a bit of her private life, which was in 
 deed pure and sweet something of the old past; but in 
 the domestic events of her neighbors and acquaintances it 
 was painful for Samuel to read a "thank-the-Lord-I-am- 
 not-like-other-women" spirit therein. However, all Samuel 
 thought was: "How good she is and how good I can 
 make her." I fear that at the same time she was think 
 ing: "How good Samuel is and how much better I will 
 make him." Why, of course she loves him still, but 
 when a woman begins to love herself, when she becomes 
 ambitious, worldly, covetous of fame and admiration, she 
 draws upon the love she may have or ought to have in 
 vested in some noble manhood. And if Sawbones' sweeet- 
 heart had not withdrawn much of the original love in 
 vested in some noble manhood. And if Sawbones' sweet- 
 had not withheld all the old affection and bestowed it 
 in mutual admiration upon her woman's rights kin, she 
 would still be properly and delightfully hanging around 
 Sawbones' neck and wooing him to a lovely, virtuous 
 heart. 
 
 Samuel Sawbones was taking a breathing spell between 
 his letters to Nella. The dark side of affairs of Dawson 
 this winter was reflecting upon him, for though he was 
 well grub staked for the season, he yet knew any suffering 
 and hunger would appeal to him among the first for re 
 lief, and to succor distress is about as much misery as 
 to suffer it. The first letter in over the ice was duly 
 answered and at length. All the details for her trip 
 were given, all the demands of the journey and the camp 
 were listed, the future possibilities were recited to a nicety. 
 Due credit and thanks were returned for the love and 
 kindness showered upon him, and no comments offered 
 on the pending crisis her transition from true woman 
 hood to crude, duplex woman's might woman's right. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 123 
 
 Simple Samuel still believed he could fit the fair girl 
 of his first adventure with goggles through which she 
 could see only herself and not the amazons by which 
 she had been beleaguered since his departure. Poor 
 chap ! You ought to have experienced that when woman 
 once gets the bit in her mouth, like with the runaway, 
 you may as well let up on the reins. But the hope 
 helped him through the weary nights, and he never lost 
 his cheerfulness or his usefulness. Everybody in camp 
 shaped his or her ends only for the coming spring and 
 the coming friends and foods. 
 
 Scattering mails found their way into Dawson now 
 and then a government mail, oftener private mails, and 
 these brought Samuel Sawbones, Esq., M.D., more letters. 
 These two questions were proposed in one: Is riding the 
 bicycle by women conducive to health? Is riding horse 
 back astride the proper thing? The doctor would not 
 commit himself in answering. "For," said he in the letter, 
 "medical men disagree, and I will not presume upon wis 
 dom that will demolish either section. Except where the 
 solicitor is ill she will not accept the advice. Healthy 
 women can almost to a unit ride the bicycle without in 
 jury to themselves, but sick women never. As to riding 
 horseback astride I cannot advise seriously, because of the 
 comic picture the subject presents. I have always in mind, 
 upon seeing a woman with her short, dumpy legs astride 
 a horse, the monkey riding the ring horse in the circus. 
 In faith, I do believe it is only a laughing matter and 
 not one of health." 
 
 In another letter came the consideration of a kinder 
 garten. "Shall I start a kindergarten in Dawson ?" "Oh, 
 no ! Oh, Lord, no ! Have you not learned, can you not 
 see that the little folks of to-day are 'way beyond their 
 limits? Do you not see them absorbing time and atten- 
 
124 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 tion and expense quite beyond justice and good taste? 
 Do you not observe them occupying a position that good 
 breeding hoots at? Do you not see simple mothers all 
 about you giving the labor and love of a wife exclusively 
 to her children, giving the bread and butter of the family 
 out for furs and feathers for them? Do you not see the 
 children of to-day paraded for show, pushed before audi 
 ences for admiration, and shoved among friends for dis 
 tinction? The nursery is the primary school for this, but 
 the kindergarten is the finishing academy. You know very 
 well it makes them only babbling, chattering geese; it 
 fills their little craniums with only a batch of pictures 
 which they show off as beforehand to mamma and her 
 admiring friends, but never a bit of brain tissue does 
 it grow. This is all wrong this making a little store 
 house out of the little one's brain, this filling it up with 
 all the child-lore that sounds so cute to us, so sweet to 
 the dear mother, and makes it so precocious-appearing to 
 its audiences. This trammels the wee one's brain; ob 
 structs its real thinking, growing capacity; destroys its 
 capacity as workshop. Oh, yes it does make them smart. 
 And the end-man of the minstrels how smart! What 
 a smart thing that magpie is, with his tongue split ! How 
 cute the parrot is ! No, no. Let the little ones go along 
 thinking for themselves. Don't cram them full of fanciful 
 thoughts of your own; that way they will never learn to 
 think and invent and work for themselves. It seems 
 plodding, but a little later in life you will notice the 
 great strides they take, and how they will outstrip the pre 
 cocious outputs of the kindergarten. Now I say, my dear 
 girl, do not lend yourself to any of the fads of the day 
 unless you see in them wisdom and worth not because 
 of their fancy and favor. Of course I recognize the fact 
 that the kindergarten has come to stay and that it is 
 
BAMUHL SAWBONES, M. D. 125 
 
 becoming recognized as a legitimate institution. Yes, 
 I learned years ago that the quack doctor had come to 
 stay and that the strongest arms of our law cannot boost 
 him. I nevertheless advise, steer clear. I have observed 
 after many years that the bright particular star in the 
 childhood group seldom is the shining light that leads 
 the busy throng through the age. Possibly the great men 
 have not self-made men in predominance, but certainly the 
 great majority were not kindergarten, smart, precocious, 
 youthful geniuses like these to-day, aspiring through their 
 mothers and dear teachers to enlighten the world. In a 
 group of six American medical men I met looking on 
 at the London clinics, five were farmer lads in youth. 
 This means that the slow-plodding boy of the plow who 
 obtained his education under difficulties never lets go his 
 industry; that the necessary habits of work and perse 
 verance culminate in ambition, and this ever goes on. 
 These five men of the six studied and worked and still 
 study and work, and they are over here in London because 
 they will never leave anything undone. This illustrates 
 the starting-point of the winners of the great race over 
 life's course. It is not the nicely groomed, fanciful man 
 nered, brilliantly tutored kid that leads the race except 
 as the minority. 
 
 "What I have said concerning the kindergarten output 
 is preliminary to a yet more serious aspect society is rapidly 
 taking on. That a mother's ambition and emulation may 
 be gratified she sacrifices ignorantly, of course the future 
 of her child and at the same time her own physical ancl 
 moral health. That she may decorate, pamper, and edu 
 cate, as she veritably believes, her child, she institutes a 
 life crusade against increase of the family. It is quite 
 seldom we find a young family of to-day which numbers 
 more than two or three children, and in these families 
 
126 TUE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 we find the determination to make that the limit. Only 
 because we cannot educate and raise them, they say, as our 
 neighbors' children are dressed and schooled, do we object 
 to more. And then what? Ask the poor, honest, scrupu 
 lous doctor. He will tell you in rending tones that his 
 life is made miserable by these people. I need not explain, 
 for you may know, that the matter of having or not having 
 children is not controlled by any legitimate or moral law 
 within the invocation of the family concerned. Nor can 
 any healthy moral prescription be given by the doctor: 
 yet they fly to him. Here they beg and pray, and when 
 one most dreadful law of the ten is read to them, 'Thou 
 shalt not murder/ they sometimes threaten: C I will go 
 to Dr. Public Executioner. You know he will do this 
 thing/ Yes, I know, we all know, from the bloody trail. 
 Once in his hands they are ashamed, and in one of two 
 ways they never return to the old family Sawbones. I 
 dare not picture how strong a hold he has grown on our 
 community. Newspapers must laud him, and twelve men 
 cannot be called to convict him of any nefarious outrage, 
 especially since an occasion where the Supreme Court 
 seemed to forget their robes of office were more sacred than 
 their personal obligations. Yes, the one desideratum of my 
 own return home and to practice is the struggle against 
 importunities to help through this encroaching malpractice 
 to limit the family to that few whom they may decorate 
 and embellish in the kindergarten and the like prevailing 
 fancy the military parade schools." 
 
 Of course Dr. Sawbones followed this discourse or lec 
 ture, this hobby, with some very nice things to the dear 
 girl left behind. She evidently forgave him or did not 
 take the hard work wading through it much to heart, for 
 she returned a most entertaining answer. It may in part 
 have absorbed enthusiasm from the near approach of her 
 
-" 
 
 
 
 4br***m^*ni*iiftii* 
 
 tf fc* 
 
 ...-. . . .. . .. 
 
 Hi 
 
128 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 AT HOME ON THE KLONDIKE. 
 
 IT is Christmas eve and yet I am not "at home" to 
 any one. I am not mixing a hot Scotch, nor cooling a 
 wine, nor doing a Welsh rarebit this cold, lonely evening, 
 nor could I gather the herd that would be agreeable to 
 make festive with from the miscellaneous mass of human 
 ity here. But above all things to rejoice at I am in my 
 own home, if all alone this Christmas eve the first time 
 quite at home since leaving the outside. It is a home much 
 of my own make and furnished, too, not from second 
 hand stores, but all the fittings of my own make. The 
 floor of my cabin is full of cracks, the only weak part of 
 it, but 'tis said one can think best with cold feet and hot 
 head. But I must confess to one luxury not of my own 
 make. It is a Brussels carpet, purchased at the N. A. T. 
 Company store at $3 per yard. Building was conducted 
 through our coldest snap 63 and the stimulus to make 
 it good and warm was great. Lumber was worth $250 
 per thousand, and the necessities are to make it as in 
 expensive as possible. My ceilings are lined with striped 
 ticking and the walls with blue jean. This is artistic and 
 snug. My kitchen is arranged to make life easy. A 
 swivel stood in the middle of the floor allows me to reach 
 the stove, the dinner-table, the cupboard and larder. 
 
 With all this home are you content and happy and do 
 you hope and pray and dream? Are there no tears and 
 longing and sighing? Very well; this is home on the 
 Klondike, and we must not be pressed to many confessions. 
 We are much "at home" sleeping up here on the Klondike. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 
 
 It is indeed a relish, only when the thermometer gets 
 down to about 60 one's morning nap is disturbed by 
 cracking and snapping among his cans and his water- 
 pails, and at that temperature he often finds his feet steal 
 up his back and his knees approach his chin, while the 
 icicles about the mouth of his sleeping-bag grow so big 
 and full that they embarrass his breathing; then he finds 
 it convenient to get up and make a fire. 
 
 Up at the mines men are up and doing at 6 o'clock. As 
 miners must board themselves, they occupy much time 
 wooding, watering, and cooking, and get in only six or 
 eight hours daily of hard work for their employers. They 
 dress immensely warm and of course suffer little or noth 
 ing from the cold. The prospectors and dog inushers on 
 the Klondike suffer most. They "at home" are ensconced 
 simply in a tent, and even at 40 a tent is cold sleeping 
 and cooking and eating. No, not dressing, for they are 
 always dressed. But where they strike good wood they 
 keep themselves thawed out and tell us they like it. And 
 I might make myself believe them, for they have a man 
 ner of rolling themselves up into a knot like the Eskimo 
 dog, then tying themselves in a fur sleeping-bag which 
 ought to make sleep warm and cozy and let them out 
 in the morning ready to enjoy frost and fresh air. 
 
 Around town are loafers and unemployed no home. 
 They have to drive hard bargains with Jack Frost. This 
 morning at 4 o'clock I saw one on a box outside a saloon 
 snoring in deep sleep as though he might be having sweet 
 dreams. The deserving poor are a pitiable class here. 
 They may have been victims of accidents or may have 
 simply come here broke and without visible means of sup 
 port. I do wish they were all "at home" outside where 
 they came from. All the glitter of gold disappears in 
 the gloom of this presence. If a prayer of a wicked man 
 
130 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 would avail I should pray for them. Some of this class 
 develop into expert, prosperous thieves and exonerate us 
 from prayer and sympathy. Yet still I feel for them. 
 
 "Ah, good-morning, Dr. Sawbones. Come in. Isn't 
 this a palace, sir? There are no heartaches, but look at the 
 finger aches. You see, that lining has a hundred thou 
 sand tacks. Well, that cold snap I hit my fingers every 
 other tack; that makes fifty thousand times. Oh, how 
 they ache ! But the worst, Samuel. While I was building 
 a man sold me a boat, and I believe he stole the boat. Yes, 
 I winked at it received stolen goods. The Lord forgive 
 me, but you know I had no nails and could get none. I 
 had upset my stove, in which was burned old scraps of 
 boards and boxes, but this only furnished a few nails. I 
 bought this boat for the nails, in fact, but the sin of buy 
 ing stolen goods hangs about my neck, and how am I to 
 exorcise it?" 
 
 Samuel congratulated me, and after viewing the prem 
 ises he remarked: 
 
 "One thing is wanting, my boy, only one thing. You 
 are not quite at home. I just witnessed an act in the life 
 of an old-timer, Dick Lowe. His squaw wife had picked 
 him up in a dancing hall a little full. She did not fall 
 to and abuse Dick, but only said: 'You do not love me 
 any more !' And her liege lord remarked : 'Oh, pshaw ! 
 now. Of course I do ! These white girls can't chop wood 
 and carry water and eat salmon like you can/ Then this 
 Siwash maid flung herself around his neck and was happy 
 again. So long, my boy." 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 131 
 
 A MINING TRAGEDY. 
 
 THE day of the resurrection will find the Klondiker 
 up and doing at the first call of Gabriel. He will not 
 need to wait the gathering together of his stray particles 
 of dust, for there is none such, and the preacher does not 
 say "dust unto dust" at the funeral rite. Nor does the 
 worm feddeth, etc. Man goes down into his icy tomb, and 
 if perchance a smile is frozen upon his lips thus he will 
 rise again, for nothing disturbs him or his resting-place. 
 A thousand years hence and the eternal frost will still 
 have cemented this clay with its walls of muck, which 
 shall not open till the judgment day. 
 
 On the bench just rising out of Eldorado Gulch two 
 bruises are observed in the mossy beds covering the hill 
 side, each of the specific dimension six feet by two. 
 
 Peter Hanson and Nels Carlson were partners in a 
 claim on Eldorado. They had indications that ere many 
 days they should strike it rich. Two honest hearts and 
 busy heads, they made haste in this miner's sunshine, the 
 frosty winter months, to make hay. Only in perspective, 
 however, had they stimulus to be so busy as they were 
 too busy. 
 
 The routine miner's work brought them about early, 
 first to their breakfast, then to the matter of cleaning the 
 shaft of the debris from the night's burning, and sinking 
 through the thawed muck or gravel preparatory to a re 
 newed burning. 
 
 One heavy, low barometric morning our friends peered 
 into the great future of their mine and hesitated to go 
 
132 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 down to work. On occasions going up Eldorado I myself 
 have noticed bad air, a sort of fuming air, one that set 
 my lungs to rebelling and set me coughing, an atmosphere 
 that savored of cussedness. Well, this had not, strictly 
 speaking, jumped the claim of Peter Hanson and Nels 
 Carlson, but it failed to vacate in good order, so they 
 did chores and obeyed the mandate "wait" while this 
 foul-smelling air slowly moused its way up and out. After 
 a spell Peter Hanson took another peep down the shaft, 
 but the lazy, sluggish gas and smoke only laughed at him 
 for his hurry. Good-natured like, Peter said: "Have 
 your own way/' Again, after another spell, he came back, 
 and it is not strange that he got riled at the nasty tenant 
 of his castle and resolved to oust him, especially since the 
 golden nuggets at the bottom were haunting him. Peter 
 went down the ladder to do battle with this foul enemy 
 as a brave heart is inclined to do. Yes, he had a buckler 
 that would help him fight the battle of right and might 
 'way back at his old home. "I will get behind thee, Satan, 
 and boost thee out whether or no!" And this oozing, 
 sluggish smoke and gas the foul, vile, groping thing 
 laughed as poor Peter dropped down into its embrace, 
 for it was the jaws of Death. 
 
 Then Nels Carlson came from his little siesta of setting 
 the slapjacks and soaking the beans, and approaching the 
 mouth of the mine said : "Peter, how goes it ?" Looking 
 down, the shaft seemed to him still full of the noxious stuff, 
 and not quite the right place for Peter Hanson to be rec- 
 onnoitering. "Peter !" cried Nels a little louder, to make 
 himself heard through the gloom. "Peter ! Peter ! where 
 are you?" And great big drops, not sweat, but of blood 
 serum direct from Nels' heart forced their way out through 
 his veins as if to clear, to wash a way to the bottom of that 
 shaft, and a fearful shiver overcame him, "Peter ! Peter ! 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 133 
 
 Peter!" with a loud voice. A hasty glimpse around and 
 about revealed no neighbors, no attendants within reach. 
 Succor must come from his lone strong arm and brave 
 soul. I wonder if Peter Hanson had read to Nels Carlson 
 each little missive from home and the manuscripts of his 
 many evenings in answer? They may have made Nels 
 the hero he was. He looked but for a moment in the 
 face of that vile stuff, that combination of carbonic oxide, 
 and creosote fumes, and whatever else that arises from 
 the burning of this mountain fir in airless shafts and 
 settles low on murky dull days barely looked, and 
 the noble heart was down beside poor Peter Hanson. 
 Make way for Nels Carlson, thou blackened, hellish 
 thing! Stand aloof there! Nels has weight to carry. 
 No, not miserable dust; he has better stuff. But 
 see! He cannot rise through thy heavy, damned op 
 pression! Take wing and fly his presence! Why, even 
 devils may run when gods like Nels are at their heels. 
 Oh ! oh ! oh ! Ye will not ? And ye gurgle up to the top 
 even poor Nels' last breath, the only pure thing left to 
 escape. Heaven take poor Nels' soul as it flies away 
 from all this corruption. 
 
 Peter Hanson's long, loving missive to Susanna Benson 
 had been finished too that morning. In gathering Peter's 
 little effects we found many little things showing the love 
 of Susan. Only her last letter may we let you look into, 
 and we will all together sympathize with her: 
 
 "Peter, come home; you must come home. It is not 
 right you should be away off in the far North, there fight 
 ing the decrees of a wise Providence. He did not make 
 that wild, cold country except for His wild beasts and for 
 the tempered Indians. You work wrong when you go 
 there to fight this cold and the diseases which grow from 
 the bad food. Then, Peter, it is only gold you bring me, 
 
134 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 and gold is worthless beside that love you tore away from 
 me to search for it. Will you not come Thome and leave 
 the worldly gold to the worldly men who have no love in 
 their hearts? But, Peter, I am ill at ease. I see bad 
 signs and I dream bad dreams. The birds sing around 
 me in mournful notes and they do not smile as they used 
 to. The snowbirds from the North come, and they look 
 as if they carry me a message, but ere I ask them what 
 they droop their eyes and turn back again. They do not 
 greet me as of old. In this harvest season my little hum 
 ming-birds come, but they would not rob my flowers of 
 the honey nor did the little chips come for their usual 
 quota of garden seeds. What does it mean, Peter? That 
 the time approaches when I shall be shorn of all sweets, 
 all harvests, and that these little harbingers of sympathy 
 are thus wont to be good to me ? And I had a sad dream, 
 Peter. A great storm raged and many miners had to 
 battle against it. I feel quite sure you got through, 
 Peter, but I should not like to see you battle so again, 
 for this almost worsted you. I wanted to help you, but 
 no. And I fear some fierce-raging thing may yet over 
 come you. I sent you a great bundle of warm things k> 
 fight the cold, but you must come home with them." 
 
 This letter did not give Peter warning, but he grew a 
 bold knight instead. He was not reserving Susan's warm 
 clothing to come home in. We must take a look at his 
 lately finished letter, too: 
 
 "We are sure, Susanna, to come home with great bags 
 of that which is good above everything else gold. Nels 
 and I have found it, and we need only to dig it out and 
 bring it home to you. Then, Susanna, the world will 
 smile upon us; not only our gold, but the whole world 
 will be bright. The glitter of our carriage will reflect 
 glitter to the roadside and even to the rubty pickets that 
 
SAMUEL 8A WBONE8, M. D. 135 
 
 stand sentinels to the fields. Our diamonds will lend a 
 brilliancy that will reflect a greater than their own. The 
 charity that we may bestow will bring down upon our 
 heads such blessings that will make them rest upon the 
 pillow of the saints. Our family will become great and 
 good. Fathers and mothers back in the old fatherland 
 will nevermore weary except to prepare themselves for 
 that city made of gold. My poor dear Susan, you are 
 unduly excited over the bad dreams, and the omens are 
 growths from your excessively fine imagination. Please 
 set such fancies aside and love, honor, and obey me until 
 perhaps next year I may float down the wild Yukon and 
 land by your hearth ere the winter snow flies. Now, be 
 a good girl and put foolish things out of mind and heart. 
 Faithfully listen for my footsteps the next season, my 
 most cherished saint, and I will abide with thee forever." 
 And only these bundles of letters, with the few keep 
 sakes and Peter's sack of selected gold nuggets, go down 
 the wild Yukon and out to Susanna. 
 
136 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 ITEMS. 
 
 IN the spring-time, late spring-time for you outside 
 but early for us on the Yukon (about the first day of 
 May), the populace of Dawson, instead of lounging about 
 prominent places to admire the first parades of women 
 in gum boots, congregate on the shore of the river and 
 peer up and down wistfully, earnestly, to catch the first 
 impulse of the breaking ice. It is the great important 
 event of the year the first interesting, thrilling affair 
 after the freeze-up six months earlier. The ice goes then 
 a little later, and your humble servant finds himself in a 
 furore of congratulatory antics much in the manner of 
 a New Year watch-meeting. "Mr. Sour Dough, sir?" 
 "Sour Dough we are, sir!" "Shake!" Yes, and why? 
 Because the first boat-load of new people from outside 
 is just in, and that absolves us from the odium and op 
 pressiveness of cheechoker. Yes, the newcomer is now 
 the cheechoker, and we of the past year are Sour Dough. 
 I will not say very much about the cheechokers' trail, 
 it being such an oft-told tale that it must sour on the 
 sweetest disposition pressed into a hearer, and I may add 
 that we on the Klondike have as much reason to go into 
 spasms over the mere mention of the Stikine or Skagway 
 or Dyea trails, with the horrors of Windy Arm, the 
 treacheries of White Horse, the Tombstones of the Five 
 Fingers, the catacombs in the bottom of Lakes Bennett 
 and Linderman, as had any or all of you on the outside 
 from the inquisitions of certain newspaper correspondents ; 
 for we not only admitted the loss of myriads of friends, 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 137 
 
 but also feared contamination of the head water of the 
 Yukon. Yes, the all-water route too has been rehearsed, 
 the old sealer stories reclothed, while horrible whaling 
 expeditions have been recounted as new Klondike expe 
 riences. And not only do we rejoice that we no longer 
 are "Cheechoctah," but that daylight has come and sun 
 shine; and, too, that communication is established with 
 the outside and we may have letters from home in a fort 
 night or less time ; and that fresh grub is come or coming, 
 and in plenty; that a bit of civilization will drop in 
 among us and crowd out the damned villainy harboring 
 and governing here. If only to stamp out the thefts and 
 the lying, we could worship the advent of a new element. 
 
 We will get door locks to snub the thieves and we will 
 get newspapers to outwit the liars. It is a common re 
 mark in the philosophy of the day that stealing might 
 be excusable because of the gain possible of some good 
 things of the world, but that lying was not only without 
 waj^s or means, but as low-lived and sinful as stealing. 
 
 You do not know, my good friends, what there is in 
 lying. Eli Perkins might go to the Klondike to finish 
 his education, just as some of our doctors go to Germany 
 a week or two to become expert or finished in specialties. 
 In a happy experience of a long, lone winter, I must 
 vouch for great things that may be accomplished by prac 
 tical application of heroic lying. In the first place, one 
 must needs be a smooth, easy liar in order to avoid con 
 viction in the matter of stealing must lie out of it. 
 Again, he must lie in business or he can neither sell nor 
 buy a claim. That I need not illustrate, for it holds good 
 in Montana as in the Klondike. 
 
 Then the long winter evening can only be made glo 
 rious by the recital and the receiving of the wondrous tales 
 every day cleaned up from camp and trail. Early last 
 
138 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 winter no newspaper came to camp, and in order to bor 
 row the old one your neighbor brought in the summer 
 time you needed to deposit a half ounce of dust to insure 
 its return. Reliable news, good, genuine such as news 
 papers always give was scarce, so we had to depend upon 
 the men's exchange. The exchange was all that broad 
 and straight way most lively and patronized, in the chief 
 part of the city the saloons, the varieties, the gambling 
 dens. Thrilling scenes, such as you never heard of out 
 side even, were daily transacted on these bulletin boards 
 in Dawson, in camp, and on trail. For every cache 
 robbed one man was killed outright and one was reported 
 to have died in the hospital. The police (I should be 
 reverential and say the Northwest Mounted Police) were 
 overworked and the vigilantes had to lend aid. Windy 
 Dick's famous dog team of huskies went up to the French 
 Gulch to bring down a big nugget just discovered too 
 big for two men to carry. Joe Dalton, who went out on 
 first ice with $40,000 in dust, was waylaid by highway 
 men and all his gang was murdered save one, who came 
 back to tell the tale. One thousand reindeer were on 
 the summit bringing luxuries for us starving miners lux 
 uriating in Dawson. Hurrah! 
 
 Finally war news began to come, and just as the war 
 collapsed we were having Yankee sentinels posted upon 
 almost every fortification in the civilized world, or some 
 New York gentleman's private yacht just outside keep 
 ing the harbor bottled up with a nation's great fleet in 
 side. Time and again we were on the point of giving 
 notice to that glorious military organization, the N. W. 
 M. P. (which means the Northwest Mounted Police) to 
 go home, but they were such fat, easy fellows one did 
 not like to turn them out in the cold. They never would 
 have stood the trip out on the trail. Besides, they ac- 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 139 
 
 tually once did capture a man, or rather take out of the 
 hands of a mob one who had robbed a poor miner's cache 
 and jailed him, and we were grateful we Eldorado kings 
 in prospective ! But I hope in my old age to write a 
 book on "A Winter Evening's Tales," and those of you 
 who are still alive will read about what I cannot tell you 
 to-night. Only listen to me : there must some good things 
 come out of lying on the Klondike or else people would 
 tire of it, and I cannot see any abatement since the first 
 days in which I was an active member. 
 
 If you choose to look at these stealing and lying 
 as the comic opera of our winter's amusement, you must 
 allow for the real genuine music, the real opera our eat 
 ing! No matter that we had no clam De Santiago soup 
 or canary del Filipinos on toast, yet we had relishes that 
 would make yellow-fever germs desert one's stomach from 
 sheer overcrowding. First and foremost, bacon and beans. 
 Why bacon and beans? Not because they are chief ar 
 ticles of commerce, but because they pan out more bone, 
 sinew, and caloric to the pound than anything else, be 
 cause you like them, because they are convenient. You 
 may know a man in Alaska who does not eat bacon and 
 beans. You may also know a man on the Klondike who 
 all last winter wore a duster and a straw hat. I did. 
 The custom of my pard and myself was to put beans and 
 pig's jowl into our largest cooking pot and give it first 
 place on the range permanently. One meal daily from 
 this was the written law ; two meals was common where a 
 special blessing would not befall us in the shape of some 
 new dish a fresh fish, a piece of caribou or salmon. 
 
 Ah, milord, Bacon., you re King on the Yukon. 
 
 To thee and thy kindred, all hail! 
 Yes, my dear bacon, best thing on the Yukon, 
 
 You're first choice in cabin or trail. 
 
140 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 Dried fish for the native, fish too for his dog, 
 
 But none of the sad truck for me, 
 Unless tliou dear morsel, thou choice of the hog f 
 
 f Tis fried in, 'Us flavored in thee. 
 
 The saddle and tongue of the gay old lull moose 
 
 Is relish for Russian not me; 
 Nor the fricassee game, the migrant wild goose, 
 
 Unless fried and flavored in thee. 
 
 Ah, my Lord Bacon, thou chief of the Yukon, 
 
 Before thee low lone and mush; 
 The light of the window goes out on the Yukon 
 
 Lest, Lord Bacon, you keep her flush. 
 
 Old-timers and Sour Doughs had "sour dough" bread, 
 but we cheechokers satisfied ourselves through probation 
 with baking-powder biscuit. These were good, bad, and 
 indifferent. We were likewise indifferent, because every 
 morsel of these crowded the one ahead of it down with 
 such velocity as to make taste a myth. Butter- -I thank 
 the Lord the two old commercial companies kept good 
 butter and never let it run above $2.50 per pound. Sugar 
 was good, and at store prices cost 30 cents. At starva 
 tion point, when outfits were thrown upon the market by 
 retreating cheechokers, the price of sugar was, with the 
 whole pack-meat, rice, flour, salt, fruit, cornraeal, every 
 thing $1 per pound. Oatmeal and rice go without say 
 ing; everybody had it; everybody had condensed milk, 
 though this spring some paid $3 per can for it; and I 
 think everybody had dried fruit. Some had ham, some 
 canned meats, canned fruits; some luxurious fellows had 
 sweet potatoes, peas, tomatoes, salmon, fresh mackerel, 
 with tomato sauce, Vienna sausage. And why did we 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 
 
 starve? Why, we did not. You must recall what I told 
 you lying was a fine art on the Klondike, and those peo 
 ple who went out had it pat. The fellow who was home 
 sick, or left a girl behind, or was weakened and disap 
 pointed because the Sour Doughs had picked up all the 
 nuggets from the streets of Dawson, must have an excuse 
 for coming out, and starvation is such a thrilling, grow 
 ing horror, such a sympathetic one, that they could not do 
 as well for themselves with any other subject. 
 
 However, if many had not gone and if the government 
 had not invited many down the river to storage points, 
 some of us may have had to eat our mucklucks. Aside 
 from this, many people infected with the fright bought, 
 stole, or begged lots of grub to add to an already filled 
 cache, and met spring with more than their share. I re 
 peat, all hands who could pay for food found plenty at 
 their command. All winter we could buy fresh beef and 
 mutton, shipped down the river early in the fall, and the 
 Indians kept a pretty good supply of moose coming in all 
 the time at only $1 per pound. Of course there is noth 
 ing in all this bill of grub to make you outside sing a 
 Christmas carol, but mind, you were not on the Yukon or 
 you would have chanted a Te Deum with us. I can recall 
 when the Methodist parson would say: "You must pray 
 without ceasing or else be damned." On the Klondike we 
 must eat without ceasing or else be starved. The luxury 
 of eating anything, everything makes life worth living 
 here, even though no nuggets fill up our empty cans. And 
 you can guess that no ingenuity was spared in preparing 
 the feasts. In camp, in the diggings, I heard miners 
 dispute precedence as cook. Without New Orleans mo 
 lasses they would make grand old gingerbread; without 
 eggs they cooked magnificent puddings ; without sour milk 
 or cream will they bake wondrous waffles. I am in the 
 
142 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 habit of telling of my neighbor who from one bucket of 
 sour dough laid the foundation for five good dishes of 
 which I partook one meal. In faith, though, I must con 
 fess, the luxury in eating is due to the smart, bright, cold 
 weather and the good climate. Fortunately it favors 
 one's digestion with his appetite, and I can commend to 
 you miserable dyspeptics, of whom I can mark scores and 
 scores, a winter on the Yukon. I wish to say this: The 
 old-time residents of the Yukon, most of whom have 
 drawn to Dawson and these diggings, had any and all 
 things in store that transportation can manage, and I ate 
 a Christmas dinner that would do justice to the outside 
 with one of these families. 
 
 Possibly as I go along I had better make work a sub 
 ject in the discussion, for if one is not ready and willing 
 to work he had better at once steal something and give 
 himself up to the N". W. M. P., who will send him down 
 the Yukon to American territory; then if the winter is 
 severe the government may provide for him. In the city 
 of Dawson my pard utilized the forenoons, while I kept 
 house, to sled the wood; this he found on the hillside 
 within a mile. I gave him the house to keep in the after 
 noon and I sawed the wood. If this was not a daily job it 
 was not less than alternate days' work. Housekeeping 
 aside from cooking was not very tedious. Sweeping might 
 have been commended, but brooms are worth a half ounce 
 of dust. Finally, when I became owner of a piece of a 
 broom I had to lend it to so many neighbors that I needed 
 to economize in my own use to save it. Water in winter 
 time must all be carried from the Yukon Eiver, no matter 
 how far away one lives. And the holes cut in the ice 
 become veritable Eebecca wells, only we never see any 
 Eebecca drawing water. A common water supply is draw 
 ing sled-loads of ice home and drinking ice. In summer- 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 143 
 
 time, with the advent of sunshine and well, say mos 
 quitoes for butterflies there come springs from the hill 
 side at one end of town, which we call the resident end 
 because people flock there for convenience. Our water is 
 good, especially in comparison with our beer. 
 
 As for wages, it was a matter of capacity. A good 
 man dealing faro got $20 per day. 1 know a girl who 
 did housekeeping for $100 per month, yet I know an 
 other tell a man to "Git away wid your $50 a week 
 washing's good enough for me at $15 a day." 
 Miners got from $1.25 to $1.50 per hour, but it is seldom 
 he gets in more than eight hours a day in winter-time 
 and he must find his own grub stake. It is expected of 
 every man not a fool to land in Dawson with his year's 
 grub, but of course officials should have posted such no 
 tice outside; then some of us would not have made the 
 mistake of getting there hungry. But the wise ones, as 
 a rule, rushed off to the diggings and took lays or leases 
 in mines already owned, or else staked claims and fell 
 immediately to work. One would find a trolley-car pilot 
 run up his windlass crank with the same dexterity of his 
 old trade; or an electrician adjusting the light of his 
 widow in much humor and patience; and a doctor might 
 be prowling around the camps supplying wood as though 
 some distant day he might hope for reward. Lawyers? 
 Oh, no. Lawyers are brokers and dealers in real estate 
 and mining and in miners themselves, and they stay in 
 town watching opportunities. Once on a time, when days 
 were getting long, when dangers on the trail were lessen 
 ing, might have been seen moving up the Klondike and 
 over Bonanza a conspicuous figure. He had on a Yukon 
 cap with its mighty ear-tufts bristling and brushing 
 through the frost; a gorgeous mottled parkee of fabulous 
 price the finest fur shrouded about firm shoulders and 
 
144 TEE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 stanch limbs; gaudy colored and elegant gartered Ger 
 man stockings about his calves, with brilliant beaded moc 
 casins on well-squared feet. Siwash George, is it, who 
 discovered Bonanza? Oh, no; greater than he. Big 
 Alex, who owns well, no; he goes like the rest of us. 
 Swift Water Bill? Skookum Jim? No, none of these 
 
 Eldorado kings. What ! that's your old pard from , 
 
 some one says! I don't think it. I never saw him out 
 of town before if it is he. 
 
 MINING ON THE KLONDIKE. 
 
 The modes of mining amount to about this: You first 
 get your mine or else a lay on some one else's mine. You 
 dig the moss off and, if possible, pick and shovel the area 
 of a shaft to some depth. One can pick through the strata 
 known as muck; it resembles hard blue clay. It may be 
 two or ten feet thick. Below is gravel, much like gravel 
 expected or found in placer diggings in Montana. It 
 may be two or twenty feet deep. Gravel lies on bed rock. 
 One's shaft may have to be from five to thirty feet deep. 
 Gravel seems to be quite inoperative with pick, unless 
 burned. So miners fill great armfuls of wood in this 
 shaft, which when burned out has thawed four or six 
 inches of the gravel in the bottom; when the smoke has 
 cleared out the pick, shovel, and windlass do the rest. 
 Two men at work run two shafts, so as to be busy at one 
 while the other burns. If you strike no pay dirt before 
 reaching bed rock you try a new place. The gravel may 
 pay three feet above bed rock or only a fraction of a foot. 
 Its pay decreases from bed rock up in richness; the pay 
 streak may be a foot or fifty feet in width; it may be 
 straight, regular, or pockety. It is not wise to count upon 
 a million in one's mine until it is out on the dump. I 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 145 
 
 know people on the Klondike who want a million and did 
 not get it. They had hopes they might get it, but still 
 did not. They had in sight big pay, which when washed 
 still would not come up to a million ; of course next time 
 it might do better. Well, I almost forgot to finish the 
 mining before the washing. If one strikes pay at the end 
 of his shaft he still burns, picks, and shovels ; he drifts in 
 the manner of mining everywhere else. All he dumps 
 outside on the ground, and some of these dumps rise up to 
 be as big as log cabins. Almost the middle of May the 
 summer sun smiles upon us with heat and fervor, and 
 these dumps melt. The miner, with his whole winter's 
 hope deferred to this date, calls his trusty slaves to him 
 and they begin sluicing much like the Chinamen do in 
 Montana. They build a long box, twenty or one hun 
 dred feet; they shovel this dump into it from day to day 
 as the ground thaws; they run a good stream of water 
 through it and wash the gold clean. Here is where great 
 miners are brought down to common groveling I mean 
 Eldorado kings and big chiefs and Skookum dukes are 
 brought down to hard work and ingenious ways. "No, 
 thank you, gentlemen. I will let you hold my sweater. 
 I will pick up these nuggets. Please pass me the sacks/' 
 And then that 12 per cent, royalty $12,000 on every 
 $100,000- how will he manage that? Indeed, I do not 
 know, but I will leave it to him for that. I think he has 
 it studied out. From one to two months are consumed 
 for cleaning up, washing the dumps; after that several 
 months are occupied in various ways, getting wood, pros 
 pecting for new claims, recreation. 
 
 INDUSTRIES. 
 
 The industries and home talent of Dawson and the 
 Klondike are various. Mining first, of course ; and as the 
 
146 TEE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 miner of the period could not exist without his gambling, 
 the gambling halls, or parlors, if you choose, rank next 
 in importance and prosperity. I need not stop to talk 
 about them, as you know how it is yourself. A dealer in 
 one of these places reported a daily average clean-up at 
 the tables and bar of from $1,500 to $2,000. 
 
 Your outside papers were during the winter making 
 famous one Swift Water Bill. Bill stayed out too long 
 in the hands of his friends; when he came back his sack 
 was empty and he was thence only "Still Water Willie." 
 
 But men and women make money in more ways than 
 one. The two old trading companies deal in every con 
 ceivable kind of material from gaudy Indian calicoes to 
 mouse-traps. Six or a dozen horses were at Dawson all 
 winter with hay at $400 per ton and meal at 20 cents to 
 $1 per pound. Ten dollars per hour for a team was the 
 penalty, and they were busy. Dogs are legal tender. 
 They carried grub and lumber up the gulches the whole 
 winter season, going where horses could not and working 
 better and cheaper. Without dogs the camp would have 
 been helpless. Dogs would make a lecture of its own. 
 No one likes dogs as a subject, but they must be endured 
 just as the cook or stepmother. They howl in four or 
 five different languages at once; they exercise the cussed- 
 ness of the several different species wolf, coyote, real 
 dog, from which they have their being. You learn to 
 endure their cry, their mourning, their howl all in one; 
 but when you must take forty steps around about the dogs 
 lying in the streets to gain just twenty steps, then you 
 wish there were no dogs, and when you must guard even 
 hot things on your stove lest the dogs steal them, then 
 you pray for the era of reindeer. The good things com 
 ing out of dogs, however, seem to outweigh all this, and 
 we must continue to say our prayers for the good health 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 147 
 
 of the dogs, just as we do for the good health and long 
 life of the Queen and her numerous family. 
 
 Mechanics of all classes found something to do or made 
 work for themselves. One made a rustic chair only $12 ; 
 another a rustic broom from a willow brush. Cabins grew 
 all winter. A simple little planing mill kept at work all 
 winter, and this summer three sawmills were scattered 
 through the town. Lumber had been selling up to late 
 summer for $200 per thousand; a downward tendency, 
 however, when I left. The coldest day of the season 
 came in the midst of my house-building, yet the interest 
 and energy of the enterprise made it possible to continue. 
 I think I have said enough about work, for when you go 
 there you will be taking my advice and rush right off into 
 the mining world. 
 
 PASTIME. 
 
 Pastime? Why, of course it was not all work. If not 
 mining or employment at some service, we wasted as 
 much time as possible sleeping and eating. Then we 
 would write letters home, even though we knew not if a 
 home was left us. Writing was by no means made glori 
 ous last winter, by the absence of oil lamps. Oil was im 
 possible to the cheechokers and only possible to the sa 
 loons and music halls at a rate of $40 per gallon. Tallow 
 candles were $75 per box, and most of us had to resort to 
 what in kindly terms we called the widow a tin can 
 with bacon grease and cotton wick. Sometimes this 
 widow would assert itself and partake of all the freaks and 
 frailties of her species. She would let her light so shine 
 as to please her most worthless or cruel master, and again 
 would go into lone darkness from the midst of most 
 charming and entertaining associates. Ah, yes, she was 
 the glory of the long winter nights and likewise the com- 
 
148 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 miseration of her most devoted attendants. But we had 
 another name for her when too bad. Worn to the last 
 thread of patience, I invested $25 in a box of candles, they 
 having dropped to this respectable price upon the ap 
 proach of long days. We had no football, no afternoon 
 teas, no elections; but we had prize-fights, church fes 
 tivals, and auction sales. 
 
 And then do no funny things happen on the Klondike 
 you have no real fun, no real good times? Oh, yes. We 
 go out fishing on Sunday, and in season we can raise a 
 party to go out after cranberries and raspberries. Yes, 
 I recall a warning a mother was giving to her children: 
 "Now, don't you go up on that mountain to-day. They 
 haven't gathered near all that man up yet that had the 
 fight with the bear." That was in our neighbor town 
 Lousetown. Wild cranberries, raspberries and huckle 
 berries are rather plenty. There are seldom any good, in 
 teresting fights, because every saloon has one or more 
 good, healthy mounted police, and if they did not pick 
 up a disorderly they never would have the honor of doing 
 anything. Then, of course, going to the post-office is 
 fun. Our first government mail came in about March 1. 
 Some people were becoming anxious by that time to hear 
 from wife or kids or sweethearts. Haunting the post- 
 office for these we found a notice posted: "The mail 
 will be ready for distribution in five days." Then we 
 waited at home five days. There was about as much mail 
 as comes into a town of 15,000 inhabitants every day. At 
 the appointed time we were all there. The line wound 
 around the barracks, up Second Street, down First Ave 
 nue, and became lost somewhere. All the miners in the 
 district heard a mail had come in and were there. Of 
 course summer had not come yet, and this getting the 
 mail was the matter of the survival of the fittest. After 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 149 
 
 three days I found myself in the presence of a post-office 
 clerk; there were about four of them, all fine, healthy, 
 husky fellows, mounted police. A letter for Mr. Sour 
 Dough, sir? He took down a bundle of letters beginning 
 Do, unwound a long twine tied around both sides, and 
 
 began his search. "Doolittle, Doty, Donahue " 
 
 "There, there; that was Dough, sir." He looked back, 
 and sure enough a letter for Sour Dough. I called him 
 back thus several times and got two letters. Then he 
 slowly and firmly bound up the package, tied twice around 
 with a bow-knot, placed it in the box Do, arid waited on 
 the next. Oh, I tell you there is fun going to the Dawson 
 post-office. 
 
 Then young folks have their amusements, too. In the 
 early day we had the pleasure of going to church. One 
 sad night we had a fire. Brother Young, the Presby 
 terian missionary, had a nice church, and he devoted the 
 upstairs to his swell members for lodgings. One night, 
 between them or because of them or some unaccountable 
 reason, an upturned stove would not get back on its feet, 
 and the devout tenants tumbled downstairs, only to leave 
 Brother Young churchless. Shortly afterward the Cath 
 olic church, a nice little monument of our old friend Pat 
 Galvin, startled us by burning. We never knew why 
 churches cannot stand that atmosphere. The Methodists 
 are trying it this year, and we await with interest the re 
 sult. The Salvationists are likewise there building bar 
 racks. I will bet on both of these in a fair wrestle with 
 the Klondikers. 
 
 There is only one bicycle in camp, but we have lots of 
 dog sleds. Just like at home, you go swell or you go 
 every-day style. The young man who takes his best girl 
 out in his every-day sled runs at the gee-pole, just behind 
 the dogs. He must look back to see her, but has no chance 
 
150 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 to talk. The swell sleigh has the gee-pole behind and the 
 lover must run after. He can talk in his girl's ear, but 
 he cannot see her, except the crown of her big Yukon hood. 
 On the Bonanza trail just a few miles out of town one of 
 these swell equipages with seven dogs, all huskies, was 
 galloping along, while down the grade came a freight 
 team, an equally good outfit of about seven Malamuth 
 dogs. Dick Seldom, the driver, peered into the hood com 
 ing toward him instead of mushing on his dogs; and the 
 youth, talking nice things through her bonnet a massive 
 bundle of furs forgot to mush his dogs. The two teams 
 came opposite. Dick still peered into the forbidden hood 
 facing him, and the other fellow stared fiercely at Dick 
 for his impudence. The dogs stopped. Two saucy ones 
 growled ; then all was lost. In a moment these two teams 
 dogs, harness, and sleds were balled up into a great 
 mass, with two maniacs pounding the breath out of them 
 selves to get at head or tail. Finally they were unraveled 
 and our sweetheart came out as good as new. Her parkee 
 of caribou skins and her thick fur hood have suffered with 
 the fur of the huskies and the Malamuths, but they saved 
 her precious self. Loads of fun that, she said afterward. 
 
 THE MINING DISTRICT. 
 
 The Klondike mining district is a sub-division of the 
 Yukon mining district. Lately all that country is formed 
 into a new political district called the Yukon Territory. 
 The present letter address to the Klondikers is Dawson, 
 Yukon Territory. The Klondike and the Indian rivers 
 have their head? In the Rocky Mountains, as nearly as 
 can be guessed (for no surveys are made) one hundred 
 miles from their mouths in the Yukon and in a south 
 easterly direction. They may be forty miles apart, nearly 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 151 
 
 parallel from source to mouth. The present mining dis 
 trict, called the Klondike in general, is located and pros 
 pected for about sixty miles up from the Yukon, and is 
 almost confined within the boundaries of these two rivers, 
 neither of which has more than indifferent bar diggings. 
 Flowing into the Klondike are the Bonanza, Eldorado, 
 Hunker, All Gold, Too Much Gold, Bear Creek, and in 
 numerable branches. Flowing in a directly opposite di 
 rection into the Indian River are the Dominion, Sulphur, 
 Quartz, Ophir, Nine Mile, Eureka, some others, and 
 branches. In addition are a number of small creeks, and 
 into all are numerous streams of only a few miles called 
 pups. Three miles from its mouth the Bonanza, heading 
 thirty or forty miles nearly south, empties into the Klon 
 dike; fourteen miles from this mouth Eldorado, with its 
 source ten miles south, joins the Bonanza. 
 
 The first big finds to excite the stampede to the Klon 
 dike district were on Bonanza Creek. The pot-rattlers 
 of the stampede, the lazy man, the sluggard coming in 
 after Bonanza was all swallowed up, feared the odium of 
 being claimless and staked on this side issue, Eldorado. 
 They should have called it Last Chance. Eldorado fig 
 ured for some time as a wild cat. One original claimer 
 danced a jig through the whole night upon receiving $100 
 for his claim, and one, in combination with some friendly 
 wretch, put up a confidence game on a Swede named An 
 derson. Anderson had $400. They therefore made An 
 derson drunk as a stepping-stone to his fortune. I do 
 not know if Anderson was fond of drink ; I only know that 
 they made him drunk. When drunk the owner of this 
 claim made him a deed, signed it for him and themselves, 
 took his $400 as payment, and abandoned claim and An 
 derson. Anderson waked from his delirium into his new 
 delusion. He cried for his money, but the confidence 
 
153 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 men made their bond as strong as the law of the Medes 
 and Persians. Poor Anderson sought the solitude of his 
 claim 'way up on Eldorado, that he could weep unmo 
 lested. The sum and substance of this confidence game 
 is that Anderson's claim will have panned him out at 
 least a million dollars, and he doesn't cry about it a bit 
 any more. Discovery Claim, on Bonanza, is about thir 
 teen miles from its mouth, about one mile from the mouth 
 of Eldorado. It originally belonged to Mr. George Cor- 
 mack and, strange to say, still belongs to him. And he 
 discovered it? No, he did not. His wife discovered it, 
 but he appropriated all the honor and glory and perqui 
 sites of a big event, which is here a long continuous round 
 of hootch and other beverages. Cormack's wife is a 
 squaw, and how she discovered gold on the Bonanza is 
 more than I could discover. The story is something to 
 the effect that she was wading through Bonanza as a plaus 
 ible way of washing her feet and that she came out with 
 nuggets sticking between her toes. It could be possible 
 for nuggets to stick between one's toes, but could not be 
 probable that a squaw would wash her feet; therefore I 
 abandon such ideas and drop the search. 
 
 For about twelve claims below Discovery, on Bonanza, 
 about all are good pay claims, worth from $100,000 to 
 $500,000 each. From No. 12 to No. 100 below there are 
 only a few good-paying claims, while only a limited share 
 are actually paying. Some of Bonanza's biggest pay 
 claims are above Discovery. I am not exaggerating to 
 say several will pan out $1,000,000, quite a number will 
 pan out as much as $100,000, and the greater share will 
 pay above wages up as far as No. 45 ; above No. 45 is little 
 or nothing. 
 
 Eldorado has a continuous pay streak from its mouth, 
 which is Discovery Claim, up to No. 30 only a few ex- 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 153 
 
 ceptional claims. I scarcely dare compute their total 
 value, but may average them at $50,000 to $200,000 yearly 
 output for three to five years. From No. 30 to No. 40 
 are a few big claims, but likewise a number of blanks; 
 above No. 40 few, if any, claims pay above expenses at 
 present way of work. 
 
 This summer it is being demonstrated that Eldorado 
 and Bonanza each have innumerable paying claims on the 
 benches, and by the present time every foot of ground 
 from rim rock to top range is staked as bench claims. Of 
 course that does not mean that every one of these claims 
 are paying investments, but I know it from observation 
 that a big number are paying from wages to big pay. I 
 know, too, that after a free and complete prospect of all 
 these claims are made the world will open its eyes at the 
 output. 
 
 Eldorado Gulch and Bonanza have streams emptying 
 into them, usually called pups, but the history of these 
 pups is that they do not pay, unless perchance two to four 
 claims counting from the mouth. One tributary of El 
 dorado, French Gulch, paid little or nothing in what we 
 term creek claims, but some fabulous bench claims were 
 discovered on it this summer. It was quite possible to 
 wash out $1,000 a day with a rocker. 
 
 Emptying into the Klondike nine miles above the mouth 
 of Bonanza is Hunker Creek, coming thirty miles from 
 the southeast. It is so large that no effort is made to 
 mine on it for ten miles from its mouth. From that (No. 
 75) up to Discovery a number of claims were worked 
 which panned out big and which stand in the market at 
 from $50,000 to $100,000, but as yet the majority of 
 Hunker claims have not paid well; one cannot say if 
 from want of prospecting or from barrenness. 
 
 I may have failed to explain what I mean by prospect- 
 
154 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 ing. In the first place, we say prospecting when we hunt 
 the country over to discover claims; secondly, we say 
 prospecting when we have a claim and work it to open up 
 and discover if any pay is in it and where and how much. 
 Owners of twenty claims above Discovery on Hunker 
 claim they have good pay; some claim big pay. I cannot 
 vouch for it. All Gold, a creek ten to twenty miles long, 
 is a tributary of Klondike, emptying into it some miles 
 above Hunker. Just before I left there I saw some abso 
 lutely reliable clean-ups from All Gold, and I am satis 
 fied that next year it will report a series of big claims. 
 All Gold was located when I went to the Klondike, but, 
 like a score of other creeks, no one had prospected it until 
 this summer, and no one knew more about it than I, who 
 had never been near it. I have no claims on All Gold 
 and am not advertising it. So far as known, the creek 
 ranking next to Bonanza is Dominion. All I or any one 
 can say is that it has some famous claims. I know a few 
 owners who would not think of accepting $100,000 for 
 their claims, and there are scores who would refuse 
 $50,000. It has not been prospected thoroughly, and we 
 cannot say how long the pay streak will turn out. There 
 is a big possibility of it rivaling Eldorado and Bonanza. 
 It heads near by Eldorado, but runs a large circle of forty 
 or more miles and empties south into Indian Kiver. It 
 is from forty to sixty miles up southeast from Dawson. Its 
 bench claims have been recently located, and it is not pos 
 sible to say how good they are. Sulphur has many de 
 votees who firmly believe it will be second to none when 
 once prospected thoroughly; fully a dozen more pay 
 gulches are simply at their opening; all these are a net 
 work in the Klondike district. 
 
 Must a man stampede? If he does not stampede he is 
 doubtful about getting a claim; if he gets a claim the 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. V. 155 
 
 question is whether he had better not have gotten it. 
 However, we all stampede on the Klondike. We see two 
 or three men having a private confab, a mysterious walk 
 and conversation; then we slyly outfit with grub and 
 blankets and watch. Sure enough, they strike out up the 
 trail, but we are onto them. Somebody watches us and 
 they too follow, and finally a continuous stream flows up 
 the gulch. Any miner not too busy helps swell it, and it 
 grows too big. An old-timer quickly recognizes a stam 
 pede from its move. The stampeder has a gait peculiar 
 to him; it is a sort of camel-like waddle half trot, for 
 ward pose, and rapid; the pack ai^d insecure footing cre 
 ates this motion, and all fall naturally into it. The nature 
 of the case hurries him, and before many hours his mo 
 tion is routine. Your legs ache, but you tramp on; your 
 back breaks from the load you pack, but you bear the 
 burden; your eyes goggle out almost; your feet swell; 
 your face puffs ; your breath wheezes ; your tongue parches ; 
 but your spirit never flags. Pilgrim's progress was never 
 more heroically fought over barriers and opposition than 
 do these stampeders fight their way into a new discovery. 
 
 After many hours, sometimes days, over many miles 
 twenty, forty, sixty you reach the discoverers staking 
 their claims; you do likewise, on the principle first come 
 first served. And what have you? What we call here a 
 wild cat claim. You drift hurriedly back, because there 
 is always a chance that some stay-at-home fellow has gone 
 before the commissioner and sworn to having located the 
 claim corresponding to your number ; and if such happens, 
 it always follows that the gold commissioner awards to 
 him the ownership, without redress. The conditions the 
 whole of last winter regulating the recording and owner 
 ship of claims are illustrated by this remark of a miner: 
 "I kick very little over two or three days' stampeding 
 
156 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 with my pack upon my back to locate a claim, but it is 
 hell to get my record when I return. Three or four days 
 in the line before the commissioner's office, in the coldest 
 weather, perhaps, makes one pray for a new vocabulary to 
 damn the gold commissioner, his assistants, and the whole 
 of his office, with the Queen for appointing the horde; 
 something ten times as strong as any present phrases so 
 they may go through the thick skin of the wretches." 
 
 I lived next door to the commissioner's office last win 
 ter and knew poor miners to lie all night before the office 
 door to be first in the morning and avoid days of delay. 
 My own experience is that from three hard-run stam 
 pedes I had courage only to weather the commissioner's 
 office to register one claim. 
 
 The recording fee is $15, and one must make affidavit 
 to having discovered gold on "Claim No. , on Blank 
 Creek, Klondike Mining District." Of course the snow 
 may be two feet on frozen ground that would require three 
 weeks to get down to a depth where colors can be found; 
 but the law requires this oath, and everybody subscribes 
 to it. However, miners do not complain so much about 
 Canadian laws as they do about officials who take for 
 granted, after the Queen's tax is faithfully exacted, that 
 what is left in the possession of the poor American is 
 legitimate prey for her servants. .^ 
 
 This is a bit of dry reading, and though I can go on 
 telling you what I know about these creeks, you may 
 please rest on my assurance that the bottom will not fall 
 out of the Klondike mining district for years to come. The 
 Lord knows how much it may strengthen. I only dwell 
 upon items because I have seen elaborate interviews con 
 cerning Klondike by men who never were over the summit 
 or on the Yukon, and I have also seen men to come down 
 out of Eldorado and declare from their actual observa- 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 157 
 
 tion that Eldorado, even, would little more than pay 
 working expenses, and that next year, unless all royalty 
 was taken off, it would be abandoned as worthless. 
 
 Sensation pictures of the Klondike, like sensation in all 
 forms, spread by unlimited express. The first bench 
 claim discovered on Skookum Jim Pup was an awfully 
 good thing. It panned out better than any digging Skoo 
 kum Jim owned. But do some of you remember the 
 newspaper accounts of it, written by a special correspon 
 dent taken on the ground, as it were ? "Two men stood 
 guard on the claim while the third dragged loose the moss 
 and scraped the gold nuggets into the sack." I thought 
 at first the vigilantes ought to organize just to hang the 
 newspaper correspondents, but upon sober thoughts it oc 
 curred to me that that correspondent was not by any 
 means so great a liar as was great the lie he told, for it 
 must be noted that the newspaper men were so numerous 
 and so bad and turbulent that the miner made him a spe 
 cial class of the cheechokers and always guarded himself 
 and his with special vigilance. When the miners on Skoo 
 kum Pup saw the special approach their claim, I have no 
 doubt in my mind they flew to their shotguns for protec 
 tion, and therefore the poor fellow wrote only what was 
 before him, actual fact. 
 
 There have been numerous bench claims discovered, 
 some quite equal in glory to Skookum Jim and quite bet 
 ter. There have been actually hundreds of bench claims 
 discovered the past summer that pay from wages to small 
 fortunes. From these come almost total relief to the 
 overflow of humanity this season. Almost every energetic 
 horse-sense man on the Klondike can make it possible to 
 earn his living or more this winter, and there will be no 
 starving, suffering, or want, because these bench claims 
 will help him out. It is possible to work most of them 
 
158 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 any and all seasons. A drawback or discount on gulch 
 claims is that they have only a harvest-time for the winter 
 season. It is even figured by respectable authority that the 
 bench claims for 1898 will fill to overflowing the sacks 
 necessary to transport all dust from the creek claims. This 
 is a bright side which I am quite glad to fix to what other 
 wise would in my estimation alone make the Klondike 
 good. 
 
 The mysterious ways of bench claims are something 
 like this : Neighbor Si remarked to me about August 1 : 
 "Sour Dough, I am going up Bonanza to look at a bench 
 claim. Bill Shark tells me of several unrecorded claims 
 at the mouth of Adams Pup." He returned next day for 
 advice. "I do not know what to do. The lay is all right, 
 but there is no prospecting done, and no one 'mows if 
 there be gold or no gold there. Bill Shark must have 
 half the claim for putting me onto it. I do not want to 
 lose my right of locating on a barren claim/' Bill Shark 
 fees the commissioner's clerk, who keeps him in abstracts 
 of unrecorded or recorded claims. He sells the vacant 
 claims out for the above interest, and whether good or 
 bad he is no loser, but a possible gainer. I therefore con 
 demn any partnership with Bill Shark, and Si did not 
 record No. 2 north on Adams Creek. About the last day 
 of August my neighbor greeted me thus: "I ought to 
 beat you over the head, old Sour Dough. I just came 
 down from the creek, and the owners of No. 2 Adams 
 Creek, my abandoned claim, are taking out $100 to the 
 man." Of course he should have beat me. 
 
 The growth, the resources of the Klondike have been 
 discussed from day to day since its discovery. Although 
 we disentangle the lies, exonerate impostors, deduct the 
 natural-born boom of outside leagues, and discount for 
 tunes, yet we see it grow bigger and better, steadily and 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 159 
 
 surely. The pay district of two years ago was an area 
 twenty miles in diameter; one year ago forty miles; at 
 the present time it is sixty miles from Dawson to the fur 
 thest tributaries of the Klondike which have good dig 
 gings. 
 
 Never have the best mines on Eldorado been eclipsed, 
 but Dominion has prospects promising as well. What we 
 called wild cat claims on wild cat creeks the past year are 
 fast turning out good pay by prospecting or developing. 
 This is the simplest proposition in the world: That the 
 output of the Klondike district will, like its area, double 
 from year to year. I will not predict its limit maybe 
 ten years. But we must not blind ourselves into a belief 
 that it is a South African bubble, that it will ever break 
 and scatter the debris of human aspirations and air castles 
 over the land. It ought to be the duty, however, of some 
 humanitarian to systematize the business and migration 
 to the Klondike. At every loading-place, at every pass 
 should be stationed an inspector with a club, as they place 
 sanitary officers and inspectors at points to prevent driving 
 or carrying of unsound beef, cattle, and hogs into new 
 markets, with instructions to beat back that part of the 
 mob not fitted for the field. Anybody will make a suc 
 cessful miner with horse-sense, with the endurance of the 
 mule, the honesty and integrity of a Chinaman. Men 
 with money not only should pass, but should be invited 
 to pass. Old men should be beat hard over the head and 
 held back. Very young ones should be kicked back. Girl* 
 without mothers are surely lost there. Brides and hardy 
 families may go through, and yes, sure ! send that boat 
 load of widows. It cannot hurt the widows and may do 
 the country lots of good. Does the country want ser 
 vants and waiter girls ? Well, yes ; but we can get on with 
 men and Chinamen until the moral atmosphere is steril- 
 
160 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 ized. In plain terms, no one should pass who has no vis 
 ible means of support no bums, no all-round handy men, 
 no gentlemen or ladies of leisure; they simply spoil the 
 industrious, and the natural descent of men will furnish 
 the market with more than the demand for such. 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS. 
 
 And are there any good things on the Klondike else 
 than gold? It depends much upon how one is built. I 
 may here mention a society ball that broke up at daylight 
 next morning it is good to dance all night. Of course 
 there are some good people living here, chiefly old-timers 
 and natives not cheechokers. Society is beginning to 
 take on the velvety distinction of hand and hood that dis 
 tinguishes it outside, and you see a society belle go along 
 not turning up her nose at some obscure sister, but fixed 
 intent upon her own gum boots as she dashes on. Nor 
 does Mrs. Skookum Jim deign to be so formal with Madam 
 Wild Cat Sam as in old times. And I am pleased to tell 
 you that many of the things are not too bad. Mosquitoes ? 
 While in the gulches they are plentiful, yet in Dawson 
 they are scarcely annoying. A good many funny stories 
 are founded on fact. I saw people take in immense sacks 
 in which to carry out their gold, and it is a fact that some 
 carried in garden rakes to rake up nuggets with from the 
 river beds ; but it may have only been told to me as a joke 
 that a man went in with a lot of cages to bring out Klon 
 dike mosquitoes to sell to you people outside for canary 
 birds. And I did dilate in foregoing pages upon the in 
 tense satisfaction and comfort of the long winter nights. 
 With loads of furs underneath and loads on top, one curls 
 up so snug he dreads getting up at all, and as daylight 
 appears at 10 see what a long, sweet sleep one has. Then 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 161 
 
 he gets his breakfast, which scarcely over, finds it noon 
 time, and inasmuch as one is hungry all the time, he hails 
 his dinner-time with the delight of an infant. Then right 
 on the heels of dinner is dark supper-time. You are 
 just as hungry, and supper is just as much of a relish as 
 the breakfast. The three delights follow one on the heels 
 of the other so rapidly that one is in a continual ecstasy. 
 But if the winter is sumptuous summer is gorgeous. It 
 is truly hard to delineate the summer in Dawson. Early 
 summer is the rainy season in Dawson ; this means a smart 
 thunder-shower once or twice a week for a season of six 
 weeks. In fact, it would not count as the rainy season 
 anywhere else. The sun in summer hangs heavy over 
 head for several hours in the middle of the day. The 
 day might be tedious and oppressive, only that the moun 
 tains surrounding Dawson are so high that the midnight 
 sun of the poets never shines. I must confess it wakes 
 up a little too early for the lover of winter festivities, yet 
 it is not harsh, and not until about noon does it seem to 
 want to show off; then about 8 o'clock it hides behind the 
 near peaks again, but does not go down. The day's work 
 is done, the dishes washed, the children to bed. Oh, no. 
 You don't get a Klondike kid to bed at 8 o'clock. But 
 the most tranquil, interesting twilight, the most raptur 
 ous the idlest dreamer could picture! That is nothing. 
 Every nation in every clime enjoys its twilight, in which 
 the giddy young and the loony old have their twilight 
 walks and sittings and courtship. Of course they do; but 
 what twilights ! Two lovers on the veranda have wrought 
 up by cooing and wooing two hearts to beat as one, when 
 the electric light is snapped upon them; this because of 
 the dark creeping on. Here the twilight is all night. 
 Stop a moment to think. You, young man, may walk so 
 far out the avenue with a sparkling girl who must remind 
 
162 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 you: "Now we must turn back. Ma says I must not be 
 out late at night." On the Klondike, on the banks of the 
 Yukon, you, like the river, go on and on forever, for dark 
 doesn't come, and all this time the air is enchanting, sim 
 ply cool ; the sun simply sets and a sunset guides you on. 
 The high peaks and cliffs hang over and you dream sub 
 lime things. The wide, swift Yukon may sing to you or 
 thrill and startle you by turns. There are scarcely stars 
 planets enough overhead to watch over you. There are 
 round and about you other things to recall you to things 
 earthly, but you are not embarrassed by fear of darkness, 
 and only when full to overflowing need you quit. Ah, 
 yes, a summer night in Klondike, a dear friend on the 
 banks of the Yukon, a sweetheart or an old chum with his 
 pipe for a stroll, or lone reverie, and this for hours and 
 hours and from day to day, makes life worth the living 
 indeed. This will make Dawson a summer retreat early 
 sought for in the hereafter. 
 
 I may add that regardless of what has been said of gum 
 boots, they will have lost prestige by next season. Now 
 half of Main Street is perfectly dry and a fine promenade, 
 while the work of building up the bad part will not fail. 
 Even this season was not a poor one for tourists. Our 
 swell hotel charged an ounce for a chicken dinner and $10 
 for a bottle of claret, but one must only dine out on the 
 invitation of his Eldorado friend. As for his coffee, he 
 must not be particular between the flavor of St. Charles 
 evaporated cream and fresh cow's milk. Yes, there is 
 fresh milk there, sure. I saw a cow come and sell for 
 $1,000. Oh! Why, yes; she was worth it. The milk 
 sold for $16 per gallon. Some fool paid $10 per gallon 
 for milk? No fool; he sold milk punches at $1.50 per 
 glass. "Oh, the ass is he who drank milk punches." Not 
 quite. After he drank one milk punch his claim, valued 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 163 
 
 at $20,000, had enhanced, in his mind, to $40,000, after 
 which he could afford another punch; then he felt as rich 
 as Big Alex or any other man on the Klondike. Do you 
 see ? And our big hotel made an announcement that they 
 owned an interest in a cow and patrons might expect fresh 
 milk. 
 
 Possibly the greatest exaggeration in plain terms, the 
 biggest lies told of the Klondike is in the matter of 
 health. I think you can all recall harassing tales of ex 
 tensive graveyards. The facts are brief. I heard the re 
 port read by Father Judge, in charge of the only hospital 
 in Dawson, in March of this year, and inasmuch as few 
 people had homes, nearly, if not all, the sick were found 
 at this hospital. Thirteen deaths had occurred in it from 
 all causes during its existence, almost from the founding 
 of Dawson, where were 5,000 people. We have a right to 
 expect, as it is a very low death-rate, ten deaths per thou 
 sand, or in this population fifty deaths for a year. Pos 
 sibly the hospital was only nine months old; then thirty- 
 seven deaths would represent a lo,w mortality where in 
 fact were only thirteen. The prevailing disease is ma 
 larial fever, which commonly merges into typhoid. It is 
 in every phase the mountain fever of our early days in 
 Montana. It is, in fact, a typho-malarial fever. I can 
 say that in my own experience every case treated early in 
 its inception is controlled by the usual malarial usage of 
 the Eocky Mountain regions. If neglected or typhoid 
 occurs before one sees it, the management still is simple 
 and effective. Dr. Chambers, who had several years on 
 the Yukon with a previous experience in Montana, and 
 who had the bulk of the hospital practice the past year, 
 said none of his typhoid cases died unless complicated 
 with age or scurvy; that in fact very few die from any 
 account. I am sorry to say you may lately have authenti- 
 
164 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 cated accounts of more than the usual deaths in Dawson. 
 Well, this is the way of it: In the severest typhoid sea 
 son, in the midst of the epidemic, early in August, a Cana 
 dian medical law was enforced in Dawson which incapaci 
 tated all American physicians, none having a Canadian 
 license. Only the Americans had experience in this dis 
 ease, and they were doing the practice chiefly. Throwing 
 this epidemic strictly from the safe management of this 
 class into the charge of the other, who actually could not 
 manage it, who knew nothing about it, must necessarily 
 create horrors. I fear this season will pan out many 
 more deaths than would necessarily have followed a sen 
 sible or decent treatment of American doctors. In fact, 
 I do not hesitate to say, inasmuch as most victims are 
 American, our Government could give it some of the 
 attention it bestows upon preserving the seals from 
 British-American rapacity. 
 
 I do think in the near future the Alps and Appennines 
 will suffer from the competition of this Yukon valley. You 
 have all and everything here you have there and a thou 
 sand strange interesting things more. On my return I 
 experienced on the trail over the summit almost the ex 
 treme interest sought for in a climb of the Alps ; the mis 
 step, the slide, the dash over the fearful glacier can be 
 made quite possible for any one's ambition. The various 
 transportation companies for the Yukon have not yet dis 
 covered the genius in me, nor have purchased my service 
 to write up the advantages of any special route in or out 
 of the country, therefore I will have little to say of it. 
 The scenery about the beginning of September on the 
 Yukon below Dawson and as well above Dawson to the 
 lakes is worth portrayal. I happened, coming up, to board 
 a fine, large river boat, and must confess to a delightful 
 excursion. However, it was a little tedious, because once 
 
SAMUEL 8A WBONES, M. D. 165 
 
 a day we would run on a sand bar tie up, as it were, for 
 a day. Yes, we always got off, but when the girl you left 
 behind the year previous begins to haunt you and you have 
 had a date made for her, it is just a little bit exasperating 
 to have to change that date further off every day. How 
 ever, big boats can climb the Yukon readily to White 
 Horse if the management is sufficient. At Five Fingers 
 we dressed in life-preservers, but the boat climbed up as 
 if on a stampede. I have no fearful catastrophe to chron 
 icle at White Horse or crossing Windy Arm nor over the 
 lakes to Bennett. We had a choice to walk over the Dyea 
 trail twenty miles or ride to Skagway forty miles on 
 horseback. This is easy. Yes; but they say Skagway, 
 like Hades, is paved not with skulls, but with dead horses. 
 How ? Why, they would tumble over the rocks and break 
 a leg or back. Well, I, not used to riding, stampeded 
 across to Dyea. 
 
 Now, there is an easy way over the Dyea trail, not 
 much talked of, not much sought, in fact. It is the wire 
 tramway. Three of us, wet, tired, and hungry, wheedled 
 a tender at a way station to let us take the place of the 
 big stones for ballast and ride down. Mr. A. was suffer 
 ing injury; Mr. B., your humble servant, was leg weary; 
 Mr. C. well, he would walk because of trailing a valuable 
 dog. A. took his departure; then I took a seat, tailor 
 fashion, in the little bucket and was wafted down, on, 
 over, up and down, across immense chasms, gulches, 
 through treetops, scraping rocks and underbrush, again 
 in the clouds, fast and slow, creaking, screeching, but 
 which I interpreted the devil giggling, laughing. And 
 then the reflection of a possible halt over one of the horrid 
 gulfs and a cold rain or a break and a fall; to live a life 
 on the Yukon, only to die an ignominious death from a 
 shallow little bucket, scattered over the rocks and mixed 
 
166 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 with the scores of dead horses ! Well, I invented an appe 
 tite for excuse to get out at the next station for lunch and 
 await Mr. C. on the trail. While at lunch appeared Mr. 
 A. Oh, yes; he thought he would get out at the station 
 and wait to see if I got through all right, but he hid when 
 I came for fear I would call him in again. He told me 
 Mr. C. too came down in a bucket and, like himself, had 
 a very pleasant ride. C. struck off down the trail afoot. 
 I must confess I wasn't solicitous for the other fellows, nor 
 had I a dog to look up, yet I made myself believe I was 
 quite strong again and that it would do me good to walk 
 the balance of the trail. Why, of course it is a nice ride. 
 Try it some time. Three weeks was my time from Daw- 
 son to Seattle. It might have been made two weeks by a 
 little rustling. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 167 
 
 CANADIAN BOERS. 
 
 WHAT ails thee, Samuel Sawbones, Esq., M. D. ? "Noth 
 ing." Perhaps! He was moping. Maybe the missives 
 from home were not inspiring, though certainly stimulat 
 ing. Samuel was standing the climate heroically, as wit 
 nessed by his every day braving the weather and greeting 
 his old-time friends with all sorts of cheer and assurance. 
 He was not dyspeptic, for this winter is curing all the 
 dyspeptics in the camp. I fancy it cures them under all 
 conditions. The extreme cold from a scientific standpoint 
 grows a fierce appetite, and from my observation it fits 
 one with an ample digestion to cope with the extra food 
 devoured. In good faith, I believe the Klondike may be 
 made a health resort for poor dyspeptics. Well, then, of 
 course it must be Sawbones' love affairs that prey upon 
 him. I am afraid I may not have detailed all the items 
 received from his dear girl left behind. But they may 
 harass you and we will pass them by. I myself would 
 not have cause to molt from all the buffs and rebuffs of his 
 comparatively smooth love affairs, but then I am a veteran 
 in the wars of the well, say liver, for it plays as much 
 the part of love as any other organ. For what is love, 
 anyway? Some may say: "A great roll of 'gilt edge' 
 churned from the milk of human kindness, which is relish 
 forever." Another will remark: "Yes, then we must go 
 on churning, ever churning, or else it will stale." 
 
 But I fear Dr. Sawbones was suffering persecutions of 
 his professional brethren. The Canadian doctors coming 
 in look the landscape over and say : "Nothing for me until 
 
168 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 the blasted Americans are routed." Then begins the cru 
 sade. The fine friendly reciprocity of Canada says: 
 "Graduates of our own medical schools may practice any 
 where in the Dominion by virtue of such diploma. All 
 others must appear before an examining board of the Do 
 minion for a license to practice." Of course Sawbones 
 could not go outside, where alone such examining board 
 was to be found, therefore he must abide the combined 
 efforts of these hungry Canadians to turn him out. As 
 Americans very much predominated on the Klondike, 
 necessarily the chief physicians were Americans. They, 
 with the usual stock of Yankee Doodle in their blood, held 
 fast to the end. The end came one day when one and all, 
 like the rebel angels, were summoned before the great high 
 priest of the celestial city of Dawson. This great high 
 priest is nothing but a captain of the most worthy mounted 
 police on foot, alias his worship the justice of the peace. 
 And these captains of mounted police on the Klondike 
 appear to me to about as nearly approach the dignity, the 
 honor, and the virtue of what such officer of the mounted 
 police should command as does the vanquished knight un 
 horsed, disarmed, and enslaved. The American doctors 
 approached with fear and trembling the august presence 
 of one of these captains, these justices of the peace, and I 
 must confess to an unusual consideration. They were fined 
 simply one dollar and no costs. And what a fall was 
 there of doctors' signs. Only Dr. Sawbones, though not 
 slow to concur in the sentence of his worship, was slow to 
 pull down his shingle. The doctor had innumerable 
 friends on the gulches, and these he wished to see as they 
 might drop into town, and except through such sign one 
 was quite hidden from every one except by accidental 
 meeting. But with due consideration for the decree of 
 his worship the captain of the mounted police on foot, 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 169 
 
 Dr. Sawbones carefully covered the M. D. on his shingle 
 to destroy the identity of his nefarious calling his poach 
 ing upon the hungry cheechokers of Canada whose pills 
 and pukes lay idly waiting to get in their work. I must 
 confess to a sad scene on witnessing Samuel Sawbones, 
 Esq., M. D., carefully cover his title with several wrap 
 pings of useless gauze and the tears course down his 
 bronzed cheeks, worn with years of toil, exposure and re 
 verses under the auspices and vouched for by this same 
 title. He said he was wrapping up his heart, and it might 
 possibly not bear the pressure and quit beating. He quoted 
 some unintelligible Latin to be found in his diploma, in 
 which the great heads granting announced his fitness to 
 practice medicine and clothe him with this same M. D. 
 that now he must haul down. 
 
 Samuel survived his hostility to his feelings and was 
 dreaming of the future, when he had an unwelcome visitor 
 in shape and person of the same minion of the law as here 
 tofore had informed him of his transgression by practice 
 of medicine. This time was not an indictment for prac 
 ticing, but for his poor little shingle. "Any person not 
 registered who takes or uses any name, title, addition, or 
 description implying or calculated to lead people to infer 
 that he is registered or that he is recognized by law as a 
 physician, surgeon, etc., shall be liable to conviction and 
 fine." His poor little gauze-covered shingle "haunts them 
 still !" "It must down." 
 
 This assumption seemed heaping insult upon injury, and 
 poor Dr. Sawbones felt outraged beyond limit. He was of 
 course yanked up before his worshipful the justice of the 
 peace, a captain of the Northwest Mounted Police, as per 
 former, occasion. Here he was unceremoniously fined $50 
 or jailed till paid. He protested that he had the title 
 M. D. duly covered^ but to no avail, for that very digni- 
 
170 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 fied, honorable, worthy officer of the Dominion of Canada's 
 very pet body of law preservers so humbled himself as to 
 confess that he himself had paraded past the premises of 
 the accused and had witnessed the sign as per indictment. 
 That it was covered with two thicknesses of gauze could 
 cut no figure in the eyes of the law. Then Dr. Sawbones 
 pleaded that he was duly commissioned with the M. D. by 
 the great University of Pennsylvania, and that in grant 
 ing him "doctor" he could not think it meant him to be 
 doctor in the United States and upon crossing the line he 
 must cut "doctor" off his card. He presumed he could 
 call himself a doctor or be called doctor anywhere in the 
 world without incurring any criminal penalty; that the 
 American Government had no embargo against Canadians 
 coming over in the States and calling themselves doctors. 
 "The University of Pennsylvania and the United States 
 be damned. Our law is as you see it in this indictment." 
 I say so, too, for Dr. Sawbones, upon writing to the Uni 
 versity of Pennsylvania, received the very meek answer 
 that if Canada chooses to imprison one of its graduates 
 for the presumption of calling himself doctor, it was right 
 and proper to take the medicine. 
 
 Samuel Sawbones, M. D., was literally dragged off to 
 jail, and only because he believed that after thirty years' 
 labor, vouched for by an M. D. and granted by a self- 
 reputed respectable institution, he could go before the 
 world and say he was a doctor. In jail? No; jail is no 
 name for the pen he was thrown- into. A miserable hole 
 in which were a miscellaneous mass of humanity four in 
 sane, a dozen drunks, a dozen criminals intermixed; no 
 beds, no chairs, no room. This lot were intermingled 
 through the night in all shapes and conditions, as few had 
 room on the floor to stretch themselves. Samuel alter 
 nated with another prisoner the use of a bench four feet 
 
SAMUEL 8A WBONES, M. D. 171 
 
 long. The night grew cold in spite of the close condition, 
 but he had no blanket. The big, husky police attending 
 was appealed to, but in vain. Certainly Sawbones could 
 have had a blanket if he had handed over his "poke" to 
 the guard; he might even have had the privilege to spread 
 it over the other poor devils and stretch himself. That 
 it was beastly, inhuman, barbarous treatment is putting it 
 in too mild terms; that putting him in jail or fining him 
 was dastardly mean, contemptibly dirty work of the jus 
 tice, of the Canadian doctors, through several cats' paws to 
 be found low enough among them, is too plausible to listen 
 to any other argument. That it was absolutely illegal, 
 because his shingle was in full intent and purpose entirely 
 without any symbol of doctor thereon I am personally able 
 to avow, for I can make affidavit that such were the con 
 ditions. But the mounted police captain who could so 
 easily and naturally assume the role of spy saw the sign 
 with different eyes than mine, which rested daily upon it, 
 and there was no redress. In fact, during my stay there 
 I never saw redress in any case. Now and then one could 
 get justice by virtue of the position in which he was 
 thrown. For instance, I overheard the following quiz 
 zing by Dr. Sawbones and answer: 
 
 "Hello, Dr. Le Bum! You were not at the American 
 doctor's picnic before his worship the justice of the peace, 
 the captain of the police. How were you left out ?" 
 
 ' "Why? Well, it is simply this, but do not tell it. I 
 doctored the captain lately, and he did not like me there 
 for fear I might let go some ugly evidence." 
 
 But in the matter of persecution the doctors had not 
 more to complain of than the miners and the people gen 
 erally. N"ot that the laws are so bad but that the laws 
 are badly administered. The Queen's tax for lumber is 
 only a matter of 1 cent per running foot for cabin logs, 
 
172 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 but when I asked for a permit to cut logs to build a cabin 
 I was referred to Smith & Co., for, says the timber in 
 spector, we gave this firm the grant of twenty miles (more 
 or less) up the Yukon for all the logs. Smith & Co. said 
 yes, you may cut cabin logs on our grant, but you must 
 pay us 7 cents per running foot for logs. You see, we 
 must pay the timber inspector 4 cents per foot. Well, 
 you know we must make a little profit, so must charge 
 you 7 cents for the same. This is fact, not fancy. Then 
 in another direction comes this fact: I discover a mine. 
 After staking comes recording. I approach the commis 
 sioner with my location notice and fee of $15, which he 
 scrutinizes, then advises one of two ways: "This ground 
 is not surveyed ground and we cannot record it until the 
 government surveyor plats it," or "We have not time to 
 day to look this claim up to see if it is open to location, 
 therefore call again day after to-morrow." During the 
 interim this claim is investigated by special agents or tools, 
 and if they report it a good or promising claim my answer 
 will be: "I am sorry to say the claim in question has 
 been recorded by John Doe previous to your application." 
 These agents are about Dawson looking for prospectors, 
 whom they approach thus: "I will put you into a first- 
 class claim, granted, of course, that you deed me a half 
 interest in the same." This is no picture drawn from 
 my imagination, but such a frequent transaction that we 
 all claim it is the rule. The Klondike Nugget, a lively 
 newspaper of Dawson, has given scores of cases, with full 
 proof, just as I relate this, and no one in Dawson stops to 
 question the truth of it. And I give this as only a fair 
 representation of justice in any and all dealing we may 
 have with the Canadian officials governing the Yukon Ter 
 ritory. 
 This, like in the case of Dr. Sawbones, has broken the 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 173 
 
 backbone of scores of good honest miners and driven them 
 out of the country in poverty and distress. Only those 
 Americans who have good claims or a foothold in an 
 established business can be induced to remain in the coun 
 try, and very few from the outside feel at liberty to come 
 in. Come, Dr. Sawbones, cheer up. We are in the same 
 boat. As you were persecuted rather than prosecuted, 
 thus have most of us suffered and we still live. Cheer up, 
 m y boy; not that there is a day of judgment and of re 
 taliation coming, but on general principles of manhood. 
 Eead your prayers, my boy. Head "From the crafts and 
 the assaults of the devil, good Lord deliver me; from 
 hypocrisy, from envy, hatred and malice, and all unchar- 
 itableness, from all the deceits of the world, the flesh and 
 the devil, good Lord deliver me!" You will feel better 
 after that, I am sure. 
 
 In the matter of Dr. Sawbones' imprisonment, this was 
 not for any persistency or obstinacy in quitting practice, 
 for he had quit and had all arrangements complete for 
 going home, but solely on the ground the accusation that 
 he persisted in allowing the public to see he was a doctor. 
 
174 THE DECLINE AND FALL OP 
 
 SAMUEL SAWBONES HIS LECTURE. 
 
 WITH the thirty thousand cheechokers who came down 
 the Yukon River in May and June of 1898 came Nella, 
 the ward and sweetheart of Dr. Samuel Sawbones. She 
 came overflowing with good-will, enthusiasm, and devo 
 tion. She came much less girlish and much more woman 
 ish than he had left her. She came outfitted fully and 
 favorably. He received her with love and affection. He 
 served her fondly and proudly. Patiently he bore with 
 her changes, her frailties, her fancies. He did not en 
 croach upon any whims she had contracted in her enthu 
 siasm for woman's rights. Yet he felt keenly the dis 
 tinction of her seating herself opposite him rather than 
 by his side as of old. The matter of being talked at did 
 not seem quite like having her sit by his side listening. 
 Her innovation of right and title to be heard as well as 
 seen did not especially disturb him, as he was fond of 
 companionship next to love. Her innovations upon dress 
 startled him a bit, not from its distortions nor from its 
 unfitness for the occasion, for the hideous combination of 
 Yukon hood, knee skirt, and gum boots prevailing on our 
 streets could not be rivaled in ugliness, but from its con 
 tra claims to health and utility. She had abandoned her 
 corsets, according to an edict from the ruling set of her 
 new woman club. Now, if anything is a flaunting red 
 flag to Samuel, it is nonsensical perversion of health lines. 
 He has ever upheld corsets as a woman's first best friend, 
 and had even written an essay upon its merit. He be- 
 seeched her good graces to lend ear to his essay, and so 
 
SAMUEL 8AWBONES, M. D. 175 
 
 unique, so unusual, so individual are the arguments favor 
 ing corsets or lacing that we follow with his discourse. 
 
 THE CORSET. 
 
 Once while roaming where woman doctors scarce ever 
 tread I heard one, evidently an estray, lecture, ostensibly 
 for some charitable society, in reality to advertise herself 
 a manner and means common to men of the profession as 
 well. True to her nature and true to my own prophecy, 
 her eloquence was in most part exhausted upon corsets 
 and high heels. 
 
 Of course her arguments were as threadbare as the 
 shabbiest corset hidden in her enthusiastic audience, yet 
 the applause from unmarried men and very much mar 
 ried women was long and loud. I will not quote her ver 
 batim, for every argument in existence against corsets has 
 been sung so often by every woman doctor and by every 
 old-womanish doctor, by every candidate for notoriety in 
 fashion and magazine, by every chronic female reformer, 
 the Jenness Miller disciples especially, that a stereotyped 
 copy can be had from any of these sources. 
 
 Deformity in woman's physical being from the use of 
 corsets figures as its chiefest outrage. Ill shape of the 
 body is painted in grewsome colors. The departure of the 
 beauty lines of Venus de Medici is deplored, bemoaned 
 with all the eloquence of the art critic. And yet and 
 yet the gaze of the mass of men, jurists, divines, artists 
 too, will rivet upon the athletic grace of the snugly laced 
 girl of to-day, while all the Venus models in the array of 
 present prevailing apparel will go begging for recogni 
 tion. 
 
 The perversion of beauty disposed of and resolutions 
 of condolence for the sad departed duly passed, this Sal- 
 
176 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 vation Army captain camps about the vital organs the 
 liver, lungs, heart, and head. She begins by preaching a 
 funeral sermon. Strange, for the "resurrectionist" at 
 the university used to furnish us with subjects without 
 distinction as to sex, and our professor of anatomy used to 
 demonstrate his subject, as to size, shape, position, from 
 the female subject as he would from the male. I cannot 
 recall ever having seen a patient embarrassed by a crushed 
 liver, a bruised spleen, a mashed heart. I have yet to 
 witness a consultation of doctors discussing the possibili 
 ties of one of these conditions as the result of corsets. 
 Then the advanced freaks in this army against our little 
 inquisitor cheeked in the resolution that woman's beauty, 
 health and comfort depend upon the extermination of the 
 corset. As to this last comfort you may all speak 
 for yourselves. 
 
 Concluding you are all familiar with the line of argu 
 ments, the general details, against corsets, without further 
 rehearsal I will, in the language of my friends of the 
 legal fraternity, proceed with rebuttal testimony. With 
 your indulgence I will occupy my time with purely scien 
 tific and practical facts. 
 
 Woman has some distinctive anatomical features, just 
 as she has some emotional furores and freaks peculiar to 
 herself. The top of her chest proportionately is very 
 much larger than that of a man ; the bottom measurement 
 very much less. Her waist line is very much less than 
 his, if man has anything like a waist line at all. Her hip 
 measure is very much greater. These are anatomical 
 creations, not deformities. And will any one reading pre 
 sume to suggest that these distinctions are not special for 
 her existence, that they are embryonic, which nature 
 thinks need not be corrected? Then we must call up the 
 physiological attendant of these physical differences. 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 177 
 
 Compared with man, woman's top chest is not only extra 
 large, but extra mobile and expansible; her lower chest is 
 not only extra small, but extra immobile or fixed. Again 
 is this accident or does it mean something? These are 
 conditions absolutely necessary, with her present status 
 in civilization, to the successful accomplishments of wom 
 anhood. The small waist line is necessary to serve in 
 part as a partition between chest organs and abdominal 
 organs; it is something approaching a floor for the vital 
 organs. Her breathing is purely chest breathing through 
 the given features, with protection to her reproductive 
 organs. And the compliment is returned when such 
 organs may be brought to make inroads upon the free 
 breathing and the easy throbbing of the heart so vital to 
 life and health. It is impracticable to go into further 
 details, but the simplest can understand. 
 
 Thus nature has planned woman, but left to her own 
 resources she fails to build well. The woman of to-day 
 has backbone figuratively speaking, yet has not the spine 
 requisite to ease her through all the trials and tribula 
 tions of domestic life and society and the cares and ex 
 haustions of business and literature with which she chooses 
 to burden herself. Old Dr. Sayere, of New York, has 
 spent a life in making artificial plaster of Paris spines 
 for womankind ; the masseur is becoming a daily necessity 
 for developing what muscle she has left by kneading and 
 rubbing; electricity must be applied to restore energy to 
 it; above all, the dressmaker must lend her art toward 
 artificial aid and supports. This last is the simplest 
 proposition in her existence. The corset is the chiefest 
 of her aids, the most bountiful of her blessings. 
 
 You hear geese babble about interfering with nature 
 and corrupting nature's work, and the nasty false teeth of 
 these clatter while they talk. They look through spec- 
 
178 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF* 
 
 tacles to applaud nature, not thinking they themselves are 
 trying to outwit nature. You will have heard all sorts of 
 arguments, scientific, religious, and profane, advanced 
 against poor woman's infringement of nature in this par 
 ticular. One fool doctor makes an attempt at a physio 
 logical case against her through the test and comparison 
 of an Indian woman "a pure, untrammeled specimen of 
 nature's own creation." He employed a civil engineer to 
 make diagrams of her, giving angles and curves, rises and 
 falls, proportions and relations; and I am not sure but 
 that they massacred her for the post-mortem notes, so accu 
 rate in detail was he and so positive that supreme nature 
 spurns the wear and tear of corsets. Poor delusion ! Why, 
 the Indian woman is only a beast of burden. She does 
 man's work and in consequence she has much of man's 
 make-up. Her chest and abdominal walls are so devel 
 oped that one could cut a steak out of them. Her cor 
 sets would need be big in the middle, thereby defeating 
 any good hoped for. 
 
 All sorts of damphool arguments are thus advanced. 
 Then, to sum up, what are his deductions? Why, that 
 this Indian woman is the model for procreating the spe 
 cies and of perfect health. Well, he is a great liar in this. 
 In both conclusions he is wrong. I am familiar with In 
 dian life, and without offering recorded statistics I pre- 
 rcnt as facts taken from the Eskimo and other Indian 
 tribes along the Yukon the following : These Indians are 
 greater victims to consumption than any other people re 
 corded, and they are less procreative than any other I know, 
 it being unusual for any family to have more than two 
 children. 
 
 In the matter of consumption, this is not due to the 
 climate, for the whites coming up here are notably free 
 from coughs, colds, or lung troubles. Then what does he 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 179 
 
 prove? Only that he is a tea-pot making a hissing noise 
 to amuse a bevy of old lady tea-drinkers. Nature, no 
 doubt, provides the plan for the development of Indians 
 as well as he does for the civilized woman, but she depends 
 upon the arts and sciences of civilization for her living 
 and she must build according to the demands of these. 
 If she be a master mason she will build, of course, after the 
 temple fashion. 
 
 The lower chest wall in woman is almost immobile ; her 
 breathing expands upward, that she may not bear down 
 upon the reproductive organs; the organs of either com 
 partment of the body infringing upon the territory of the 
 other impair its vitality, its functions, and nature even is 
 handicapped. If woman were created for her own amuse 
 ment, for her own existence, for her own support, then she 
 might be made not only from the rib of man, but shaped 
 likewise after him, but inasmuch as she must grow and 
 mold the race, she must necessarily be patterned to make 
 her office practicable. She needs be a double compartment, 
 one modeled to protect her own life and insure her own 
 comfort; the other to insure the life and growth of her 
 ward. 
 
 'Tis too funny to hear the arguments of the crusade 
 of the corset. The religious crusade of the Dark Ages 
 was no more vigorous nor popular, no more ridiculous. 
 One medical man who claims to have treated 3,000 women 
 wrote a pamphlet on the "Kelation of Dress to Pelvic Dis 
 eases." He invents a measuring machine by which he can 
 readily obtain results to corroborate his notions. He 
 measures men, Chinese women, Indian women, civilized 
 women, and dogs. 'Tis a fact in his figures that the ab 
 dominal breathing gives a one like tracing for men, In 
 dian women, Chinese women, and dogs, and a one tracing 
 for civilized woman. Then he disputes anatomists ancl 
 
180 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 physiologists who teach that woman naturally breathes 
 by way of expanding her chest, calling it costal breathing, 
 saying it is perversion of nature. He quotes the girl still 
 breathing by expanding the stomach, and says she assumes 
 the modern female breathing only with the age of corsets. 
 Fool! Why does he not tell us the girl naturally awk 
 ward with big hands and feet is made of angles instead of 
 curves, and runs and climbs and uses her arms, and body, 
 and chest, and muscles like her primitive ancestors? At 
 womanhood she is absolutely a different creature by na 
 ture. Corsets do not make her an elegant figure; she 
 dons corsets to support it, to retain it. And after all his 
 experiments and all his arguments to prove that the prim 
 itive woman, that the typical woman, the model woman 
 of even to-day naturally assumes abdominal breathing as 
 does the Indian woman, man, and dog, what shall he have 
 gained ? He must accept the observation of another med 
 ical scientist, greater than himself, which concludes that 
 woman is much less susceptible to consumption than is 
 man because of her costal or top chest breathing. Any 
 one may know that the extreme top of one's lung, the 
 apex, is cooped up in a bony hive with little or no elbow 
 room; the consequence is an extremely limited expansion. 
 Right here in this quarter do we always look for the first 
 footprint of consumption. Then when you dissect poor 
 man's shoulder that is bound down by all possible strength 
 in muscles and tendons, tissues of various kinds which, 
 knitted together, give him the great strength he needs in 
 his being man, you will find the whole upper lobe of the 
 lung much tied down, much cooped up and compressed in 
 its function. Therefore the disease, germinating in the 
 apex, has a fair open field for extension. And thus poor 
 man is much the more frequent victim to the monster. 
 Beauty runs too close a race with intelligence in the 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 181 
 
 affections of men to allow of its neglect. Especially the 
 man of intellectual pursuits at the end of his day's doings 
 finds himself mentally exhausted and seeks most for rec 
 reation in beauty; and he tends much to marry beauty. 
 We must all see more beauty in the corset form than in 
 the beer-keg form, in our modern women than in the In 
 dian physique. Beauty is the subject of all song, while 
 mind is in favor with all crank essays. I doubt if there is 
 a knight of this age who would have women patterned 
 after man or dog, one but who would throw down his 
 armor and her cause in the event of such transition. 
 
 Grant that we have proven that the cry of deformity is 
 a fancy of the imagination; that distorted and hampered 
 internal organs are a myth; that the costal breathing of 
 our civilized woman is immunity from certain diseases; 
 that upon theoretical and practical grounds the woman of 
 to-day secures through her artificial supports and pro 
 tections necessities and advantages in functions of des 
 tiny; let us listen for further proofs from her own per 
 sonal experiences. Does she complain that her liver is 
 cramped into a jelly, or her heart is crowded up into her 
 mouth, or her breath is cut short off, or that her dinner 
 spoils for want of eating? What are her agonies? Her 
 digestion averages quite as good as does her male friends; 
 her capacity and endurance on the ice pond and dancing 
 floors wear out her escort; her laugh in the sleighing 
 party is as loud and ringing as the youth who may be 
 adding pounds to the pressure of her corset-strings; and 
 after the ball she can eat as much oyster soup or ice cream 
 as the biggest man. What is the rule as to the wear of 
 corsets? Why, the great bulk of voice cries: "*Tis most 
 comfortable, most necessary!" Its good points would 
 make a long essay. It buoys up the breasts of woman 
 and saves her from drag and stoop ; it strengthens her back 
 
182 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 and supports it in exertion; it carries much of the weight 
 of the chest upon the hips, built broad and strong, thus 
 shielding that little chain of bones, the spinal column, and 
 insures it against disease and deformity. Ah, yes. I rep 
 resent the great majority when I say the corset is a 
 glorious luxury. I say it, too, as a matter of fact deter 
 mined from observation. 
 
 Now, can there be a fool to think if woman were barred 
 the use of corsets she would assume the good stout waist 
 pictured to us as health and beauty, with abdominal 
 breathing substituted for costal, and that she would pro 
 create as free and as easy as the wild woman of the forest ? 
 
 It is a simple notion that the present type of waist is 
 the result of lacing. It is indisputably the growth, the 
 march of civilization it is in the chain of evolution. My 
 good medical authority talks like a duck at the conclusion 
 of this elaborate essay, thus : "I wish to express the belief 
 that if civilized women would adopt some of the active 
 physical habits of the savage women and would dress in 
 such a manner as to secure themselves the same freedom 
 of muscular movement in every part of their bodies, they 
 would be as free from pelvic diseases as are the hardy 
 women of the forests who compete successfully with their 
 brothers in the fierce struggles for existence." Some of 
 us respond : "A thing devoutly to be wished for !" Many 
 of us might enjoy having woman take her place of a few 
 centuries back, or that of the primitive Indian, and keep 
 the tepee raised over our heads, gather in the fuel and 
 keep the larder stored, look after the beasts our war 
 horses while we only sang of the chase and danced before 
 the council fire. Yet the great mass would prefer woman 
 as she is and toil for her that she may retain her superior 
 beauty, keep a house over her head that she might not 
 fade, feed her on the good things of the land that she 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D< 183 
 
 may be good-natured, groom her a horse for exercise and 
 exhibition, bear all the buffs and rebuffs of existence to 
 save her from degenerating, as our author would have, to 
 the big-bellied, bowlegged squaw. 
 
 We again refer to deformities. Almost the total force 
 of corset-wearing women will have an exact symmetrical 
 measurement, will measure alike in proportion, and their 
 anatomy will conform to the teaching of our medical pro 
 fessors. Granted that a woman laces too tight; what are 
 the consequences? Suppose a surgeon treating a fracture 
 removes his dressings at night only, to keep the limb under 
 control during the day ; would that leg or arm conform to 
 his daily splints ? Not any more will the compressed waist 
 conform to the tight corset. The woman may wear tight 
 lacing all of every day, yet night will settle every rib in 
 its right place. The 'worst that can occur is a given 
 amount of discomfort and some functional disturbances 
 in breathing and digestion. 
 
 However, our arguments come from the standpoint of 
 the simple every-day fitting corset. We ask corsets to be 
 fitted something after the manner of your shoes. Some 
 idiots will wear shoes so tight that they agonize; others 
 wear them so loose that their slipshod move rubs the feet 
 full of corns. Do we condemn shoes? Most people find 
 most comfort in wearing their shoes snug almost tight 
 to their feet. Some women there are who do wear their 
 corsets too tight, yet I have never seen a deformity re 
 sulting, nor a disease established, nor a life shortened. 
 Ah, yes, we hear of them all around us, but we never see 
 them. Some women wear their corsets too loose or too ill- 
 fitting; in consequence they punish their ribs and stom 
 achs and hides and spines more by the irregular pressure 
 and motion than results from tight squeezing. These 
 continually say oh, my! and seek their homes that they 
 
184 TEE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 may get out of them; but the good, sensible majority of 
 women wear snug corsets tight enough to keep their ribs 
 comparatively immovable at the lower border, and their 
 stomachs steadied and their waist lines well guarded, their 
 chests supported more or less upon their hips, their spines 
 straightened and strengthened, their abdominal muscles 
 held taut; then they will eat, drink, and be merry with 
 out having to seek comfort by relaxation of a cigar, by 
 soda and brandy as a stomachic, or by opening a lower 
 vest button to be able to sing. 
 
 In the matter of diseases following in the wake of cor 
 sets I cannot enlighten you. The anti-corset crank would 
 have us say there are myriads, all most deadly. What 
 and where they are I cannot conceive. I think a nice- 
 looking liver pad stuffed with sawdust or an electric belt 
 made of shoddy and copper wire, for which you would be 
 made pay $10, would cure all the diseases. When a man 
 chooses to take a good dose of exercise, either walking or 
 horseback, he is constrained to gird up his loins with a 
 rope or belt, not blessed with a corset. Is it fancy or 
 fashion and the outgrowth of necessity from experience? 
 Do not refer us back to Mr. Lo, whose untutored mind 
 is not ready to grasp little luxuries, who rides without belt 
 because his stomach is so much larger than his head that 
 the belt would continually annoy him by slipping off. 
 
 Yes, numerous women are tortured by corsets. Many 
 men and women are tortured by shoes. Let them off. 
 The corset needs be used as a prophylactic medicine rather 
 than a curative agent. Some women will not bear the force 
 of a corset-string nor the unnatural pressure of a full 
 breath. Some cannot be fitted as is necessary to insure 
 them aid and comfort. The sick woman must be disrobed 
 and prescribed for; she who is ailing must be protected 
 and aided by special appliances and means suggested by 
 
SAMUEL SA WBONES, M. D. 185 
 
 her special case. She must not wear corsets nor lace her 
 gowns. It is from the sick and afflicted whom harpers and 
 doctors and cranks get their data. A sick woman con 
 demns a corset; a sick man discards his best friend, cigar. 
 It is from the disease that the irrational talk emanates 
 which would prove a woman after nature is only so by 
 her exclusion of the corset. 
 
 My medical authority of the pamphlet says: In Ger 
 many the peasant woman toils beside her husband; in 
 France I saw women digging ditches with men; in Italy 
 the cow pulls an equal burden with the ox. No corsets 
 on any of these. As before related, tubercular disease 
 of the lung has almost a universal starting-point in the 
 apex in the top of the lung. Why? Because of its less 
 development, its less activity. Man in his original state 
 used his all fours ran, climbed, played, worked, clubbed 
 his wife, carried his children. It was not conducive to 
 his existence, his happiness, if you choose, that his shoul 
 der joints and their muscular ligamentous union and 
 support should be embarrassed by a heaving, expanding, 
 movable chest. Consequently the base of his lungs were 
 made large and expansible, his lower chest and belly flex 
 ible. In his descent (I believe that is the way scientists 
 put it) he retains these characteristics as he retains his 
 primitive avocations and uses for the same arms. As lord 
 of creation of to-day he preserves his mastery by the 
 mighty right arm and subsists chiefly by it; and it is 
 necessary that his upper chest still remains limited in 
 action, that extremities lose not their cunning. Until 
 machinery is invented to relieve man of all physical labor 
 he ever will be built solid, compact, with limited upper 
 chest movement; he ever will be held responsible for more 
 frequent consumption. Woman, whom civilization has 
 emancipated from building the romantic tepee and from 
 
186 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 digging ditches, and who is forgetting bread-making and 
 gardening, can afford to throw off the shackles of con 
 sumption. She can grow, as security against it, a large, 
 expansive bust, one interesting as well as healthy. All 
 of what I say must not be considered simply amusing, for 
 every-day life illustrates me. What is the command to 
 the raw recruit of war, his first drill? "Chest forward." 
 What is the order of the gymnast? "Throw out your 
 chest." And the mother to the kid and tomboy ? "Shoul 
 ders back." And the doctor's warning? "Expand that 
 chest." And when he measures you for a health certifi 
 cate he measures where around your belly ? Around the 
 top of your thorax, of course. He carefully notes the 
 inches and half inches and quarters and takes never a 
 glimpse of regions below. 
 
 Men who do not do work with their arms and shoulders 
 throw back their shoulders both as a matter of health and 
 beauty. Woman sometimes she does not brace up and 
 present a bold front, yet the law of expansion is unflinch 
 ing and the twenty or thirty cubic inches of fresh air re 
 quires her to make room for it. Pressure down upon the 
 pelvic organs cannot be according to her taste, certainly is 
 not according to her need. The Great Architect has 
 planned her upon a fine principle, and she necessarily is 
 kind to herself and encourages it. She stays her abdo 
 men and lower ribs and encourages the lungs to adopt the 
 expansion of the upper chamber. The chest takes kindly 
 to this, the natural, healthy way, and needs no forcing, no 
 coaxing; resulting is immunity from consumption, de 
 velopment of form and emotions and their attendants. 
 
 But the dear good medical harpers on this subject must 
 needs be administered to scientifically to put them retreat 
 ing, must not be fooled by any simple talk. Well, one 
 pf the latest anatomists, certainly one of the very best, 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 187 
 
 illustrates the build and the action of the thorax in the 
 following expression: "Since the first six ribs present 
 convex lower borders, give origin to the pectoralis major 
 muscle (an elevator of the ribs), and move upward in in 
 spiration, and since the last six ribs present concave lower 
 borders, give origin to the diaphragm (a depressor of the 
 ribs), and move downward in inspiration, no objection 
 can be urged to the use of the term upper ribs to desig 
 nate the former group or the use of lower ribs to designate 
 the latter." If you understand that the ribs circle around 
 outward and downward from their attachments, you will 
 comprehend that any movement given them will be out 
 ward and upward or else downward and inward. Then 
 the six upper ribs move out and up. This involves the 
 chest to several inches below the nipples. Those below 
 the lower ribs are controlled by the diaphragm. 
 
 Dalton's "Physiology" says of the diaphragm: "When 
 muscular fibers contract, as in inspiration, they draw the 
 central tendon downward, depressing the abdominal organs 
 and enlarging the cavity of the chest in a vertical direc 
 tion." At the same time it would seemingly draw the 
 lower ribs down and in, and only that their attachments 
 are not firm this would be the case ; but the conformation 
 is such that they cannot be expanded. This is shown by 
 actual measurement to be the fact. A woman expands 
 at the waist line during natural respirations simply one- 
 eighth inch in circumference; at forced inspirations, pos 
 sibly through help of her abdominal muscles, one inch. 
 The same woman has a top-chest expansion of three to five 
 inches. You will agree that it must take very tight lacing 
 indeed to embarrass that one-eighth inch about the waist. 
 Aside from the law that it is the higher development, a 
 simple conformity to nature ought to compel us to rely 
 upon the upper-chest breathing in order that we may pro- 
 
188 THE DECLINE AND FALL OP 
 
 tect the abdominal organs from the "vertical direction" of 
 the lungs. In face of this scientific arraignment of the 
 breathing there is a presumed school of teachers instilling 
 what they call a new theory abdominal breathing into 
 their class. I admit they do no harm, for at most they can 
 only to a limited extent control their abdominal muscles, 
 and from this scarcely any, if at all, effect any increase 
 in the lower lungs, as you may learn by actual measure 
 ment, while the exertion they use in this is fortunately ex 
 hausted to good effect upon the upper lungs. Could they 
 effect what they presume, then they would be most dan 
 gerous to their class. Such of you who know something 
 of anatomy will recall the shape and position of the lungs ; 
 the upper lobes not alone overtop the lower, but overhang 
 them, and to prevent embarrassment must be actually 
 lifted up and off during their inflation. Probably I can 
 not more easily cap the climax against all damphool argu 
 ments that corsets are destruction and damnation to poor 
 woman than by presenting the following medical fact: 
 Men, women, and children with weak backs, diseased bones, 
 imperfect muscles, and paralysis are subjected to, as the 
 best treatment of the day, the wearing of a plaster jacket. 
 Do you know what this is? One is suspended, hanged by 
 the shoulders; then he is bandaged with plaster of Paris 
 bandages, wrapped snug and taut from under the arms to 
 the hip, allowance only being made by a napkin, after 
 ward removed, gver the stomach. This plaster bandage 
 is applied a full inch in thickness, and when dried you 
 may be assured does not expand. This, you can also be 
 assured, could not be laced any tighter by hitching to a 
 bedpost or by the assistance of one's room-mate. And yet 
 and yet these poor miserable sufferers give up their aches 
 and pains, live comfortable, accumulate fat, become strong, 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M.D. 189 
 
 and grow well, hooped and riven by a dozen corsets in 
 one. 
 
 When a woman appears who is not a fit subject for a 
 corset in other terms, one who cannot wear one because 
 of its discomfort no time should be lost in calling for a 
 doctor for her. Certainly something is wrong; if not a 
 serious lesion of some vital organ, then at least some func 
 tional disturbance or fit of indigestion. I am not caring 
 to cast a sigh of disrespect or a slur of contempt upon 
 the band of women who do not wear corsets, but in good 
 faith many of them are not physically sound, a few are 
 not mentally sound ; most, perhaps, have accustomed them 
 selves to loose gowns, and when once initiated into fatigue 
 dress of any and all sorts, gowns, sliprpers, caps, etc., we 
 grow to fancy it. 
 
 There are many natural positions for the human body 
 one for every phase of the mind as well as for every degree 
 of physical stimulation. The old soldier on dress parade 
 is a beauty (especially the officer) ; on his approach to 
 battle he is a creature without prominent physical attri 
 butes, only expression; after the conflict he is little more 
 than an inanimate object, appellated human being. With 
 any of us when tired from the fatigues of the day the ten 
 dency is to be much out of joint to stoop, to droop, to 
 curtail the breathing and the consequences? Some of 
 us grow stooped, some crooked, some weak of lungs. Some 
 by occupation, some by physique, maintain themselves in 
 order. The vast majority keep themselves in proper form 
 through the assistance of their clothes more than from per 
 sonal direction. The man's tailor-made coat keeps his 
 shoulders back, his vest-buckle curves his spine, his tight- 
 fitting boot preserves the arch and promotes the elasticity 
 of his foot ; the woman's corset gives her backbone in every 
 eense of the word. 
 
190 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 Savage races are often pictured to us as types of fine 
 physical formation. Yes, the males are often such, be 
 cause the males live a life of dress parade. They do none 
 of the severe toil, the muscular strain, and mental ex 
 haustion that is the life of our enlightened land; but 
 look at their women ! We call them hags, so haggard and 
 worn do they look; they stoop, they lounge, they waddle, 
 they work and tire, and for want of support in dress as 
 much as for any other cause they outrage nature. There 
 is a lesson here. We need artificial support in all active 
 life. When down in spirit it must be stimuli or rest; 
 when relaxed from exhaustion it must be stays or rest. 
 Civilized man has quite unconsciously fallen into the 
 groove worn by this law. He has abandoned the tunic 
 and the turban of the ancients for his modern dress. Why ? 
 Not because of its fancy. The older is the more pictur 
 esque. Because he needs a tight coat to support his 
 thorax, a vest-buckle to yank in his vertebra?, a snug- 
 seated pair of trousers to bale up his flabby flitches; and 
 if he abandons the tight-legged breeches he returns in 
 variably in a few years to their kind office. Woman with 
 her great legs and mammoth hips does not need breeches. 
 It is quite enough that she has corsets as a platform upon 
 which to load all her upper self, with the burdens her 
 life imposes, and thus to rest them upon her hips. Only 
 from her hips up is she the weaker vessel. Make woman 
 clearly a thing of beauty of beauty in all its phases; of 
 intellect, that her offspring may be brainy; in morals and 
 virtues, that the same offspring may be lofty and wise; 
 of physical being, as we do our blooded rare stock, that 
 they may be lithe, high-stepping, swift. The aborigine, 
 that his bow should be elastic, quick, powerful, curved to 
 its limit the crude willow at given points. Such thin, 
 slender places must be to insure results. Woman needs 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 191 
 
 the S3 me curving, molding, flexions, or else she will be 
 clumsy, useless, like the crude limb of the willow. She 
 must turn, twist, bend without effort, without agony. 
 Gradually molding her thus will finally., as with all na 
 ture, find it bred in her. *Tis a great mistake to imagine 
 the woman with large waist and prominent abdomen en 
 joying a free play of internal organs and a comfortable, 
 untrammeled display of vitality. Usually this measure 
 ment is due largely to fat. And the purpose of this fat? 
 I will tell you : Fat in one's body is stored food. I need 
 not tell you that when we are not daily supplying the wear 
 and tear of our economy by direct food it is drawing upon 
 this fat for subsistence. Women who grow large around 
 the body are simply building a warehouse on the wrong 
 location. All this fat will add to beauty and utility if 
 stored upon the limbs if stored anywhere else than in 
 the place in question. If women gave to themselves a 
 tithe of the attention stockmen bestow upon their animals, 
 they would soon people the world with beings whom the 
 goddesses of old would envy. 
 
 A great change must necessarily grow, is growing, ever 
 has been growing over the relative position of women. 
 Time with civilization demonstrated she could not be held 
 the slave of man his drudge. It is illustrating she can 
 not be the co-worker, the common associate with man. 
 Many tragical and devastating events in history are writ 
 ten to prove that her aspirations in political favor always 
 have been and ever will be gross, absurd failures. 
 
193 TSS DECLINE AND PALL OF 
 
 THE FALL OF SAMUEL SAWBONES, 
 ESQ., M.D. 
 
 SKOOKUM JIM was a nobleman in the deference of the 
 camp. At the head of his pack train of twelve husky 
 men, each with forty pounds of dust on his back, march 
 ing into Dawson from his diggings, Skookum Jim looked 
 every inch a man. In the dance hall, in a social bout "at 
 the bar, round about the games, he was the noblest Koman 
 of them all. Skookum Jim and his twelve trusty trainmen 
 duplicated the trip once or several times this season's 
 clean-up, and it left him a handsome "poke" to take out 
 side. I am not informed as to whether he was born of 
 romantic antecedents or whether his romance was born of 
 his gold, but he had in his heart and his mind that gold 
 and beauty go hand in hand. He therefore beautified 
 himself so far as physical culture could attain, and began 
 to look about for a helpmate, a partner in his gold. Dr. 
 Sawbones was not a selfish man, even though he may have 
 been a little jealous, and he introduced him to his fiancee. 
 This girl took his fancy, filled the bill, and he took to 
 wooing her, not as a breach of confidence, for nothing 
 was in confidence, but upon the good sound principle 
 that she was a girl to do him honor, and in the sense 
 that enjoying the admiration and confidence of one 
 so worthy as Dr. Sawbones, she must necessarily be 
 noble and wise. I will not illustrate his manner 
 and means of wooing, for the ways on the Klondike 
 differ little from outside, and, moreover, I will make a 
 
Ill 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 193 
 
 long story short. I will abbreviate the anguish of Sam 
 uel Sawbones; I will spare you the woe of details in the 
 shock and terror to him. And I can scarcely justify the 
 girl through her own arguments and excuses, and care 
 not to invent any of my own to justify the dear, good girl 
 of a once happy time in the new departure. Almost with 
 the deliberation and technicality of a law judge's opinion 
 she sentenced poor Samuel Sawbones, Esq., M.D., to a fall 
 neither knew whither. Samuel's faults his financial fail 
 ures, his crank philosophy, his hostility to female "re 
 forms" were charitably veiled, but the idols of wealth, 
 her worship of the Golden Calf were sharing her religion. 
 They had grown sentiment and principle with her. She 
 could not and would not sacrifice these, therefore accepts 
 the decrees of the ruling god. She accepted the offer of 
 Skookum Jim to share his diggings, though not without 
 pangs of remorse and love. She still had her love, such 
 as she was capable of mustering, for Samuel Sawbones, 
 and only for him. It was in the book of her new philos 
 ophy to sacrifice all else to fame, and gold is the only 
 door of poor woman, save few examples, to fame as she 
 reads and reckons fame. 
 
 Hereafter Dr. Sawbones is seen almost daily on the 
 trail to and fro reaching the Indian mission at Moose- 
 hide, a few miles below Dawson. Then it was discovered 
 that he was hobnobbing with the braves and entering into 
 their powwows with more or less enthusiasm, and we took 
 upon ourselves the kind office of looking into the proceed 
 ings and if necessary lending a guardian's influence. We 
 were nonplussed in our own schemes, for here we found 
 Samuel in good faith and with all earnestness transplant 
 ing himself in this tribe of natives. Nor could we remon 
 strate with any degree of success. 
 
 "Oh, no/' said Samuel. "I am not going to quite amal- 
 
194 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 gamate with these hardy children of an untrammeled bar 
 barism. I want to became not part and parcel of them, 
 but one of them, that I may learn to live their ways and 
 to endure their existence. You must surely realize that I 
 am done for in the so-called civilized world that my 
 field of fortune is cut down to the standard two by six 
 feet. Yet you know a man with a mite of soul can never 
 say surrender. And you know how many good, brave, 
 but morbidly ambitious men cross over in a vain attempt 
 to discover the north pole. My present object not ambi 
 tious, mind is to inaugurate an expedition from this 
 tribe of native Alaskans to locate, stake, and record the 
 north pole; not that the world will be wise and I will be 
 great and happy like Skookum Jim but that will end 
 the destructive crusade of this century's visionaries. My 
 plan in brief is this : One or several seasons among them 
 will make me to every sense and purpose a good Indian. 
 With a branch of the tribe I will migrate northward 
 slowly, not in the manner of travel, of hunting, or of the 
 pursuit of an object, but simply on the plan that the star 
 of empire may spread northward just as it did westward. 
 We probably this season may pass over on the McKenzie 
 River and make that home. Finally, with all the bear 
 ings and all the conditions, we make another stage. But 
 you understand and you also can comprehend that it is 
 feasible." 
 
 "Yes, yes. We can understand. It may be feasible, 
 too, but 'tis fearfully foolish. You seem to have lost your 
 grip, doctor, and all because of one woman. Simply be 
 cause one angelic creature painted by yourself, of course, 
 as are all angels only seen or known in paintings has 
 chosen through her cultivated depravity the world and the 
 flesh and the devil, you would unclothe yourself of all 
 humanity and succumb not to her depraved will, but to 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 195 
 
 your own wailing. You know in your own heart that you 
 will never reach the north pole; that you only will go by 
 easy stages on up to the great ice country, there to be 
 buried out of sight, out of mind of old disappointments. 
 Turn about and go home with me, where you will once 
 again occupy the position of trust and profits of yore." 
 
 "Oh, no. ? Tis too late. I am ever too slow to keep 
 pace with the rise and progress of the century. I have 
 noticed religion go I might say down and out of my early 
 catechism, and there appears nothing to hold fast to, or 
 rather I must let go all the old buoys. Society has made 
 such strides since my birth that either I or it goes on 
 straight to the devil as per last scenes of my biography. 
 Inventions are so prolific, ingenious, that maybe they will 
 yet beat me and the natives to the north pole, and I must 
 therewith step down and out with good grace, as you see 
 me doing. Moreover, associations would be much less 
 pleasant than of days past, for know ye, people of to-day 
 want their pills and pukes with the same relish they want 
 their religion, society, and their honors sugar-coated. 
 More than that, they want them as service and without 
 scruples or compunctions of conscience. It is not a crime 
 to-day it is not a breach of ignorance or decency to re 
 quest the services of Dr. A. for a season, then deliberately 
 and without an item of excuse or reason employ Dr. B. ; 
 change doctor for fancy just as they change the flavor of 
 their meals. I may be censured for the remark that one 
 cannot nowadays practice medicine decently and in order. 
 The laity has allowed itself license to treat the learned 
 profession of medicine as hired menials, and so many of 
 the profession accept the fawning of presumptuous great 
 people that I repeat 'tis useless to try to succeed in medi 
 cine and respect one's self at the same time. In instances 
 I have been installed family physician ten, twenty years. 
 
196 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
 
 then awakened of a morning to find myself supplanted, not 
 through any infirmity that was accorded me, but through 
 fancy for change or fashion, and this by people who claim 
 for themselves intelligence, gentility, even decency, just 
 in the manner they would ride their faithful old hack until 
 a frisky high-stepper comes along, then change the sad 
 dle. And old associations haunt me still. I am dis 
 turbed in my dreams by phantom wheels of the swift out 
 fit of Dr. Publico Executio over his red trail; the fine 
 pacers of Dr. Bombasto Profundo seem to bear down upon 
 me so rapidly that I am frightened from my sleep in great 
 drops of sweat; the rustler is galloping about here, there, 
 everywhere, looking for a breach in my corral, branding 
 every stray calf, and now and then an old cow even which 
 I had corraled for years; Peter the Pig I imagine grunt 
 ing in my ears, yet so inaudibly that it seems to caution 
 his female worshipers, 'silence is golden/ and to convince 
 mankind that silence is wisdom, for it is astonishing how 
 many swallowed Peter's potions. It is humiliating to 
 acknowledge such affairs, but the conditions are too real 
 to allow my conscience and my remaining professional re 
 spect to move back into the whirlpool created of compe 
 tition." 
 
 The winter season following finds Dr. Samuel Sawbones 
 and several family branches of the Moosehide Indians out 
 fitting for a migration for the north country. It was in 
 the order of a permanent move and grubbed and clothed 
 accordingly. No trouble will exist as to grub staking in 
 the future with fresh meat and fish, but flour, sugar, tea, 
 etc., will be a matter of self-denial. And yet Dr. Saw 
 bones, hardy as he is, surviving these luxuries, necessaries, 
 has other considerations to weigh. The Indians, as are all 
 Indians, north or south, have a given amount of treachery 
 in their bones. They need and they respect a chief. So 
 
SAMUEL SAWBONES, M. D. 
 
 long as Dr. Samuel Sawbones can pose as a chief, so long 
 will be hold his followers and prosper, but when adver 
 sity, misfortune, or accident comes he will be set down and 
 out, and that is the end. The trip he proposes cannot be 
 accomplished without many hardships, accidents, and fail 
 ures, therefore his chances of survival amount to as many 
 as we allow for the return of Andree and his balloon. 
 Yet my persuasion reaches not any fiber of his obstinate 
 heart. I tell him he simply means to commit suicide, but 
 he indignantly refutes the suggestion and abuses me for 
 want of faith. His old sweetheart kneels before him, but 
 he pities her and tells her that weaklings of her caste 
 must not advise nor applaud great works, neither must 
 they bear any of the burdens. Then comes the -finale. It 
 is a barbarous procession, but comic enough to allow us to 
 witness and not weep. "Farewell! Fare thee well, old 
 veteran I" We stand fast for many minutes and view the 
 long black string braided upon the snow overlaying the 
 gulch gliding off into the top of the range, following the 
 blazoned trail to the beyond. 
 
 Adieu, my boy! Peace will go with thee, and pros 
 perity we will not invoke, for it is only a dream to hope. 
 
 Not far off the trail as it led out from camp, from 
 home, was an immobile figure. It was quite irresponsive 
 and I fear only tears welled out, no sentiment. I avoided 
 her and wended my way home, more lonely, more for 
 saken than was ever before my lot. 
 
 THE END. 
 
Dt 
 
H. C. Holmes