LIBRARY OF THE UNivERSiTy OF California. GIFT OF The Bangroft Lr^R4RY- f/S Class Ll*s^^ Ua^/ic^Uy ^ /63l(T ,^3 ^r / 7 /• >• . Lyrics of the Law. LYRICS OF THE LAW. A RECITAL OF SONGS AND VERSES PERTINENT TO THE LAW AND THE LEGAL PROFESSION, SELECTED FROM VARIOUS SOURCES, -BY- J. GREENBAG CROKE. "Come you of the law who can talk if you please. Till the man in the moon will allow it's a cheese ; And leave the olc" lady who never tells lies To sleep with iiei>h&'htvkcrciii' LYRICS OF THE LAW. A LAWYER'S FAREWELL TO HIS MUSE. As by some tyrant's stern command A wretch forsakes his native land, In foreign climes condemned to roam, An endless exile from his home ; Pensive he treads the destined way, And dreads to go, nor dares to stay ; Till on some neighboring mountain's brow He stops, and turns his eye below ; There, melting at the well-known vie\;v, Drops a last tear and bids adieu : So I, thus doom'd from thee to part, Gay queen of Fancy and of Art, Reluctant move, with doubtful mind, Oft stop, and often look behind. Companion of my tender age, Serenely gay, and sweetly sage, How blithesome were we wont to rove By verdant hill or shady grove. 1^ A Lawyer's FareiGell to His Muse. Where fervent bees, with huniming voice, Around the honey'd oak rejoice, And aged ehns, with awful bend, In long cathedral walks extend ! Lulled by the Lipse of gliding floods, Cheer'd by the warbling of the woods, HoAV blest my days, my thouglits how free. In sweet society with thee ! Then all was joyous, all was young, And years unheeded roU'd along : But now the pleasing dream is o'er. These scenes must charm me now no more. Lost to the field, and torn from you — • Farewell! — a long, a last adieu. The wrangling courts and stubborn Law To smoke, and crowds and cities draw; There selfish Faction rules the day. And Pride and Avarice throng the way ; Diseases taint the murky air, And midnight conflagrations glare ; Loose Revelry and Riot bold In frighted street their orgies hold ; Or when in silence all is drown'd, Fell Murder walks her lonely round ; iNo room for Peace, no room for you — Adieu, celestial Nymph, adieu! A Lawyer's Farewell to His Muse. 1^ Shakespeare no more, thy sylvan son, Nor all the art of Addison, Pope's heaven-strung lyre, nor Waller's ease, Nor Milton's mighty self must please ; Instead of these, a formal band In furs and coifs around me stand, With sounds uncouth and accents dry, That grate the soul of harmony. Each pedant sage unlocks his store Of mystic, dark, discordant lore. And points with tott'ring hand the ways That lead me to the thorny maze. There, in a winding, close retreat, Is Justice doom'd to fix her seat ; There, fenc'd by bulwarks of the Law^ She keeps the wondering world in awe; And there, from vulgar sight retired, Like eastern queens, is much admired. O, let me pierce the secret shade, Where dwells the venerable maid ! There humbly mark, with reverent awe, The guardian of Britannia's Law; Unfold with joy her sacred page (The united boast of many an age, 14 A Lawyer s Farewell to His 3Iase. Where raix'd, yet unifonn, appears The wisdom of a thousand years). In that pure spring the bottom view, Clear, deep, and regularly true, And other doctrines tlience imbibe, Than lurk within the sordid scribe ; Observe how parts with parts unite In one harmonious rule of right ; See countless wheels distinctly tend By various laws to one great end ; While mighty Alfred's piercini^ soul Pervades and regulates the whole. Then welcome business, welcome strife, Welcome the cares, the thorns of life. The visage wan, the pore-blind sight. The toil by day, the lamp by night, The tedious forms, the solemn prate, The pert dispute, the dull debate. The drowsy bench, the babbling hall — For thee, fair Justice, welcome all ! Thus, though my noon of life be past. Yet let mv settinGi: sun at last Find out the still, the rural cell, Where sage Retirement loves to dwell ! A Lawyer's Farewell to His 3Iuse. 15 There let me taste the home-felt bliss Of innocence and inward peace ; Untainted by the guilty bribe ; Uncurs'd amid the harpy tribe ; No orphan's cry to wound my ear ; My honor and my conscience clear : Thus may I calmly meet ray end, Thus to the grave in peace descend. 16 Lawyer^s Prayer. LAWYER'S PRAYER. Ordaix'd to tread the thorny ground, Where very few, I fear, are sound ; Mine be the conscience void of blame, The upright heart, the spotless name, The tribute of the widow's prayer, The righted orphan's grateful tear ! To Virtue and her friends a friend, Still may my voice the weak defend! Ne'er may my prostituted tongue Protect the oppressor in his wrong ; Nor wrest the spirit of the laws, To sanctify the villain's cause ! Let others, with unsparing hand. Scatter their poison through the land, Enflame dissension, kindle strife, And strew with ills the path of life; On such her gifts let Fortune shower. Add wealth to wealth and power to j^ower: On me, may favoring Heaven bestow That peace which good men only know. The joy of joys by few possess'd, The eternal sunshine of the breast ! Laicyers Pra;/er. 17 Power, fame, and ricliea I resign — The praise of honesty be mine ; That friends may weep, the worthy sigh, And poor men bless me when I die ! 18 A Flight of Fancy. A FLIGHT OF FANCY. At the bar of Judge Conscience, stood Reason arraign'd, The jury mipaneli'd,the prisoner cham'd. The judge was facetious, at times, though severe, Now waking a smile, and now drawing a tear; An old-fashion'd, fidg'ty, queer-looking wight, With a clerical air, and an eye quick as light. " Here, Eeason, you vagabond ! look in my face ;. Fm told you're becoming an idle scapegrace. They say that young Fancy, that airy coquette. Has dared to fling round you her luminous net ; That she ran away with you, in spite of yourself, For pure love of frolic — the mischievous elf. " The scandal is whispered by friends and by foes. And darkly they hint too, that when they propose Any question to your ear, so lightly you're led, At once to gay Fancy you turn your wild liead ; And she leads you off in some dangerous dance, As wild as the polka that gallop'd from France. "Now up to the stars with you, laughing, she springs. With a whirl and a whisk of her changeable wings; A Flight of Fancy. 19 Kow dips in some fountain her sun-painted plume, That gleams thro' the spray like a rainbow in bloom ; Now floats in a cloud, while her tresses of light Shine through the frail boat and illumine its flight; Now glides tiirough the woodland to gather its flowers ; Now darts like a flash to the sea's coral bowers ; In short — cuts such capers, that with her I ween It's a wonder you are not ashamed to be seen ! " Then she talks such a language ! melodious enough, To be sure — but a strange sort of outlandish stufl"! I'm told that it licenses many a whopper. And when once she commences no frowning can stop her ; Since it's new — I've no doubt it is very improper ! They say that she cares not for order or law ; That of you — you great dunce ! — she but makes a cat's-paw. I've no sort of objection to fun in its season, But it's plain that this Fancy is fooling you, Reason ! " Just then into court flew a strange little sprite, With wings of all colors and ringlets of light ! 20 A Flight of Fancy. She frolick'd round Eeason — till Reason grew wild, Defying the court and caressing the child. The judge and the jury, the clerk and recorder, In vain call'd this exquisite creature to order :— "Unheard of intrusion ! " — They bustled about, To seize her, but, wild with delight at the rout, She flew from their touch like a bird from a spray, And went waltzing and whirling and singing away ! Now up to the ceiling, now down to the floor ! "Were never such antics in court-house before! But a lawyer, well versed in the tricks of his trade, A trap for the gay little innocent laid : He held up a mirror^ and Fancy was caught By her image within it, so lovely, she thought. What could the fair creature be? Bending its eyes On her own with so wistful a look of surprise ! She flew to embrace it. The lawyer was ready ! He closed round the sprite a grasp cool and steady, And she sigh'd, while he tied her two luminous wings, "Ah ! Fancy and Falsehood are different things ! " The witnesses — maidens of uncertain age, With a critic, a publisher, a lawyer and sage — All scandalized greatly at what they had heard Of this ])Oor little Fancy, (who flew like a bird !) A Might of Fancy. 21 Were call'd to the stand and their evidence gave : The judge charged the jury, with countenance grave. Their verdict was "guilty," and Reason look'd down, As his honor exhorted her thus, with a frown : — " This Fancy, this vagrant, for life shall be chain'd In your own little cell, where yoic should have remain'd ; And you, for your punishment, jailer shall be : Don't let your accomplice come coaxing to me ! I'll none of her nonsense — the little wild witch ! Nor her bribes — although rumor does say she is rich. " I've heard that all treasures and luxuries rare Gather round at her bidding, from earth, sea, and air; And some go so far as to hint that the powers Of darkness attend her more sorrowful hours. But go ! " — and Judge Conscience, who never was bought, Just bow'd the pale prisoner out of the court. 'Tis said that poor Reason next morning was found At the door of her cell fast asleep on the ground, 22 A Flight of Fancy. And nothing within, but one plume rich and rare, Just to show that young Fancy's wing once had been there. She had dropped it, no doubt, while she strove to get through The hole in the lock, which she could not undo. To a Sparrow. 23 TO A SPARROW ALIGHTING BEFORE THE JUDGES' CHAMBERS IN SER- GEANTS' INN, FLEET STREET. WRITTEN IN HALF AN HOUR, WHILE ATTENDING A SUMMONS. Art thou solicitor for all thy tribe, That thus I now behold thee ? — one that comes Down amid bail-above, an under scribe, To sue for crumbs ? — Away! 'tis vain to ogle round the square, — I fear thou hast no head, To think to get thy bread Where lawyers are ! Say, hast thou pulled some sparrow o'er the coals, And flitted here a summons to indite ? I only hope no cursed judicial kite Has struck thee off the rolls ! I scarce should dream thee of the law ; and yet Thine eye is keen and quick enough ; and still Thou bear'st thyself with perk and tiny fret : But then how desperately short thy bill! How quickly raight'st thou be of that bereft I A sixth "taxed off," how little would be left! 24 To a Sparroxn. Art thou on summons come or order bent ? Tell me, for I am sick at heart to know. Say, in the sky is there " distress for rent," That thou hast flitted to the courts below ? If thou icouldst haul some f^parrow o'er the coals, And wouldst his spirit hamper and perplex — Go to John Body— he's available — • Sign, swear, and get a bill of Middlesex, Returnable (mind, bailable !) On "Wednesday after th' morrow of All Souls. Or dost thou come a sufferer ? I see — I see thee " cast thy bail-i\i\ eyes around " ; O, call James White, and he will set thee free. He and John Baines will speedily be bound, In double the fcum, That thou wilt come, And meet the plaintiff Bird on legal ground. But stand — O, stand aside ! — for look, Judge Best, on no fantastic toe, Through dingy arch — by dirty nook — Across the yard into his room doth go ; — And wisely there doth read Summons for time to plead, And frame Order for same. To a Sparrow. 25 Thou twittering, legal, foolish, feather'd thing, A tiny boy, with salt for latitat^ Is sneaking, bailiff-like, to touch thy wing ; — Canst thou not see the trick he would be at? Away, away ! and let him not prevail. I do rejoice thou'rt off, and yet I groan To read in that boy's silly fate my own ; I am at fault. For from my attic though I brought my salt^ I've failed to put a little on thy tale. 3 2^ 0)1 the Approach of Spring. OX THE APPROACH OF SPRING. LINES WRITTEN IN A LAWYER's OFFICE. Whereas, on certain boughs and sprays, Now divers birds are heard to sing:. And sundry flowers their heads upraise — Hail to the coming on of Spring. The sonii^s of those said birds arouse The memory of our youthful hours, As green as those said sprays and boughs, As fresh and sweet as those said flowers. The birds aforesaid — happy pairs ! — Love 'midst the aforesaid boughs enshrines, In freehold nests, themselves, their heirs, Administrators, and assigns. O, busiest term of Cupid's court ! Where tender plaintiffs actions bring; Season of frolic and of sport. Hail, as aforesaid, coming Spring! Sweet Autumn Days, 27 SWEET AUTUMN DAYS. Sweet autumn days, sweet autumn days, When, harvest o'er, the reaper slumbers, How gratefully I hymn your praise, In modest but melodious numbers. But if I'm ask'd why 'tis I make Autumn the theme of insj^iration, I'll tell the truth, and no mistake — With autumn comes the long vacation. Of falsehoods I'll not shield me with a tissue- Autumn I love — because no writs then issue. Others may hail the joys of spring. When birds and buds alike are growing; Some the summer days may sing, When sowing, mowing, on are going. Old winter, with his hoary locks, His frosty face and visage murky, May suit some very jolly cocks. Who like roast beef, mince pie, and turkey But give me autumn — yes, I'm autumn's child- For then — no declarations can be filed. 28 Pastoral for the Long Vacation. PASTORAL FOR THE LONG VACATION. See Sergeant Tityrus — in rural ease, Forgetting all the cares of Common Pleas, Taking beneath some shady beecli his station. To sip the honey of the long A'^acation. Ye nymphs, beware should Tityrus seek your grove, For his " attachment " is no name for love. The gentle lamblings cluster idly round, Lured by his legal pipe's too dulcet sound. All ! little do ye think, ye simple sheep, (Or at a greater distance ye would keep,) That he whose plaintive strains 3^6 flock to hear. Knows not a greater j^leasure than to shear. Viewing your curling fleece, it o'er him flits, The hide beneath is meant to furnish writs ; While all the woolly treasures on your back He hopes one day may stuff for him the sack. Trills for Term- Time. 29 TEILLS FOR TERM-TIME. How sweet 'tis to stroll by the streams of Demurrer, Where Detinue sighs to the evening breeze ; WJiere groves of Mandamus are mellowed in color, And high soar the Costs in E>( chequer of Pleas. *Tis there that the sisters Assumpsit and Trover Disport with the Mortgages sitting in banc, While around the fierce Chattels anii Cognizance hover, And Rejoinders gnash rage as their fetters they clank. Dark Venue broods there, 'mid the bleak Certiorari, The coo of the distant Avowry is heard ; But the sprightly Malfeazance trips light as a fairy, With the mild Surrebutter and Judsjment De- ferred. O, 'tis there I would muse, and I'd dream of Assizes And feast on ripe Codicil and Assignee ; Or, soothed by the strain of the dulcet Demises, I'd quaff foaming goblets of Felo-de-se. 30 JBoston J^ar Banqiiet. A EESPONSE. ITis Honor's father yet remains His proud paternal j^osture firm in ; But, while his right he still maintains To wield the household rod and reins, He bows before the filial ermine. What curious tales has life in store, With all its must-bes and its may-bes ! The sage of eighty years and more Once crept a nursling on the floor — Kings, conquerors, judges, all were babies. The fearless soldier who has faced The serried bayonets' gleam appalling. For nothing save a pin misplaced The peaceful nursery has disgraced With hours of unheroic bawlins:. '»• The mighty monarch, whose renown Fills up the stately page historic. Has howled to waken half the town. And finished off by gulping down His castor (il or paregoric. Jjoston Bar Banquet. 31 The justice, who in gown and cap Condemns a wretch to strangulation, Has scratched his nurse and spilled his pap, And sprawled across his mother's lap For wholesome laws' administration. * Ah ! life has many a reef to shun Before in port we drop our anchor ; But when its course is nobly run, Look aft ! for there the work was done : Life owes its headway to the spanker. Yon seat of justice well might awe The fairest manhood's half-blown summer; There Parsons scourged the laggard law, There reigned and ruled majestic Shaw — What ghosts to hail the last new-comer ! One cause of fear I faintly name — The dread lest duty's dereliction Shall give so rarely cause for blame, Our guileless voters will exclaim, "No need of human jurisdiction ! " What keeps the doctors' trade alive? Bad air, bad water ; more's the pity ! 32 Boston Bar Banquet, But lawyers walk where doctors drive, And starve in streets where surgeons thrive, Our Boston is so pure a city.. What call for court or judge, indeed, When righteousness prevails so througli it? Our virtuous car-conductors need Only a card whereon they read : " Do right ; it's naughty not to do it ! " The whirligig of time goes round. And changes all things but affection ; One blessed comfort may be found In heaven's broad statute, which has bound Each household to its head's proU ction. If e'er aggrieved, attacked, accused, A sire may claim a son's devotion To shield his innocence abused. As old Anchises freely used His offspring's legs for locomotion. You smile. You did not come to "weep, Nor I my weakness to be showing; And these gay stanzas, slight and cheap. Have served their simple use — to keep A father's eyes from overflowing. Nonsuited. 33 NONSUITED. Ix Cupid's Court when suit is brought Attachment must precede it; For when a final judgment'* s reached, The plaintiff'* s sure to need it. The wee, blind judge is very wroth If legal /brms are slighted ; But if a case is clearly made His Honor is delighted. Prolonged complaints he ne'er approves, Submission never warrants; Misjoined the parties must not be — This is his chief abhorrence. An honest, earnest plea is best — It brings no vain demurring / The issues then arc quickly joined, And soon may come concurring. If he may take who fears to lose, Is still a question mooted ; But who declines a tender made Must surely be no)isuited. 34 The Special Pleader'' s Lame) it. THE SPECIAL PLEADER'S LAMENT. TO Say, Mary, canst thou sympathize With one whose heart is bleeding, Compell'd to wake from ''love's young dream/' And take to special pleading? For, since I lost my suit to you, I care not now a fraction About these tiresome suits of law, These senseless forms of action. But in my lonely chambers, oft When clients leave me leisure, In musing o'er departed joys, I find a mournful pleasure. How well I know the sj^ot where first I saw thy form ethereal ! But ah ! in transitory things The venue's not material ; And, reading Archbold's Practice now, I scarce believe 'tis true. The Special Pleader's Lament. 35 That I could set my heart upon An arch., hold girl like you. But then that bright blue eye sent forth A most unerring dart, "Which, like a special capias, made A pris'ner of my heart. And in the weakness of my soul, One fatal, long vacation, I gave a pledi^e to prosecute, And filed a declaration. At first, your taking time to plead Gave hopes for my felicity ; The doubtful negative you spoke, Seem'd bad for its duplicity. And then that blush so clearly seemed To pardon my transgression j I thought I was about to snap A judgment by confession. But soon I learned (most fatal truth !) How rashly I had counted : For, 71071 assumpsit was the plea To which it all amounted. 36 The Special Pleader's Lament. Deceitful maid ! another swain Was then beloved by thee ; The preference you gave to him y^ -ds fraudulent to me. [But then, alas ! the Barons held The transfer of this treasure Could not by me be set aside, Being made vfhQn under pressure,'] Ah! when we love (so Shakspeare says) Bad luck is sure to have us ; The course of true love never ran Without some special traverse. Say, what inducement could you have To act so base a part ? Without this that you smiled on me, I ne'er had lost my heart. Mv rival I was doom'd to see A husband's rights assert ; And now 'tis wrong to think of you. For you're 2^ feme covert. When last I saw your son and heir, 'Twas wormwood for a lover ; The Special Pleader^s Lament. 37 But then the plea of infancy My hcc^rt could not get over. I kiss'd the little brat, and said, "Much happiness I wish you," But oh ! I felt he was to me An immaterial issue I Mary, adieu ! I'll mourn no more, Nor pen pathetic ditties ; My pleading was of no avail, And so I'll stick to Chitty's. 4 ^8 Laic-Love. LAW-LOVE. The burning of a man's abode Is punished by the Penal Code, With loss of life or lands ; Then surelv that offense, more dire. Of setting all his heart on fire, Fit penalty demands. Dear, guilty girl — thou guilty dear — The plaintiff cites you to appear In presence of the parson (lie grants tliat you may fix the day), To answer in the usual way This last aforesaid Arson. Do not your tender guilt deny, But own it, darling, with a sigh ; I long for judgment by confession: Do not affect the law's delay, And force me still to plead and pray ; Concede my right and yield possession. Lines to Bessy. 39 LINES TO BESSY. My lieart is like a title-deed, Or abstract of the same ; Wherein, my Bessy, thou may'st read Thine own lonsj-cherish'd name. Against thee I my suit hare brought, I am thy plaintiff lover, And for the heart that thou hast caught, An action lies — of trover. Alas ! upon me every day The heaviest costs you levy ; O give me back my heart — but nay ! I feel I can't replevy. ril love thee with my latest breath, Alas ! I cannot you shun. Till the hard grasp of Sheriff death Takes me in execution. Say, Bessy dearest, if you will Accept me as a lover ? Must true affection file a bill The secret to discover ? -iO Lines to Bessy. Is it my income's small amount That leads to hesitation ? Refer the question of account To Cupid's arbitration. Law at our l^oardiuQ-House. 41 LAW AT OUR BOARDING-HOUSE. As fresh as a pink, on the other side Of the boarding-house table she sits, and sips Her tea ; while I envy the china cup That kisses her rosy lips. She's a school-girl still in her teens ; lier hair She wears in a plait; we are vls-d-vis ; And I am a briefless barrister ; — Yet she sometimes smiles at me. My law professor would scowl, no doubt, Could he know what havoc those eyes have wrought With the doctrines of law he first instilled — What lessons those lips have taught. "Attachment can never come before A declaration," he used to say ; But this little girl at our boarding-house Doesn't put the thing that way. " The clerk will issue a rule to plead — And pleadings always with rules must chime " ; No need for " a rule to i^lead " with her — And her rule-days are — all the time ! 42 Lmo at our Boarding-House, The old law maxim, tlie text-books teach. And the judges regard: " Quifacltper Aliuin^f licit per 56," is held In ineffable scorn by her. In her person exist together at once Defendant and judge and jury and clerk; So that one would imagine to win a cause In this court were an up-hill work. Yet whenever I sit at the table there, I fancy a table where only two Are company — till I say to myself : " Though you lose the case, why sue ! "E'en thoucjh she demur at first — who knows? — For the rest of your joint lives made one life, You may learn together the lesson taught In respect to Husband and Wife." Still I dally in doubt; though in other things I flatter myself I am resolute : For a bankrupt heart will be the result, If I'm taxed with costs in this suit. The Lawyer's Valentine. 43 THE LAWYER'S VALENTINE. I'm notified, fair neighbor mine, 33y one of our profession, That this — the Term of Valentine — Is Cupid's Special Session. Permit me, therefore, to report Myself, on this occasion, Quite ready to proceed to Court, And File my Declaration. I've an Attachment for you, too; A legal and a strong one ; O, yield unto the Process, do ; Nor let it be a lon2r one ! o No scowling bailiff lurks behind ; He'd be a precious noddy. Who, failing to Arrest the mind, Should go and Take the Body ! For though a form like yours might throw A sculptor in distraction ; I couldn't serve a Capias — no, I'd scorn sj base an Action ! 44 The Lawyer's Yalentine. O, do not tell me of your youth, And turn away demurely ; For though you're very young, in truth, You're not an Infant surely ! The Case is everything to me ; My heart is love's own tissue ; Don't plead a Dilatory Plea ; Let's have the General Issue ! Or, since you've really no Defense, Why not, this present Session, Omitting all absurd pretense, Give judgment by Confession? So shall you be my lawful wife ; And I — your faithful lover — Be Tenant of your heart for Life, With no Remainder over ! The Lawyer's Suit. 45 THE LAWYER'S SUIT. Am— "For the Lack of Gold." O WHY, lady, why, when I come to your side, Repulse your poor suitor with such haughty pride? That you'll never wed with a Lawyer you swear — But why so averse to a Lawyer, my dear? Can it be, that because I have thought and have read. Till my heart to the world and its pleasures is dead ? Pshaw ! my heart may be hard, but then it is clear Your triumph's the greater to melt it, my dear ! Can it be that because my eyes have grown dim, And my color is wan, and my body is slim ? Pshaw ! the husk of the almond as rough does ap- l^ear — But what do you think of the kernel, my dear ? Would you wed with a Fop full of aj^ish grimace, Whose antics would call all the blood to your face ? Take me, from confusion you're sure to be clear, For a Lawyer's ne'er troubled with blushes, my dear ! 46 The Lawyer's Suit. "Would you wed with a Merchant, who'd curse and who'd bann 'Cause he's plagued by his conscience for cheating a man? Take me, and be sure that my conscience is clear, For a Lawyer's ne'er troubled with conscience, ray dear! Would you wed with a Soldier with brains made of fuel, Who, defendiuG: his honor, is killed in a duel? Take me, and such danger you've no need to fear, For my honor is not worth defending, my dear ! Come, wed with a Lawyer ! you needn't fear strife, For since I have borne with the courts all my life, That the Devil can't ruffle my temper, I'll swear — And I hardly think you could do't cither, my dear ! To , The Lawyer. 47 TO , THE LAWYER. Lexd me your ears, thou man of law, While I my declaration draw — Your heart in fee surrender ; As plaintiff I my suit prefer, 'T would be uncivil to demur, Then let your plea be — tender. On certain promises I sue. Given at sundry times by you, O, does not it unnerve thee ! When urged by passion's boldest fits, J issue one of Cupid's writs, And with it boldly serve thee ! Appear in person, I beseech, Nor resignation idly teach To one already lost, sir ; Proceedings I will only stay Upon condition that you pay At once the debt and costs, sir. Then take my heart, be not a brute, But ask a rule^ — just to compute The misery of its state, man ; 48 To , The Lawyer. Some i^eople's minds are wildly thrown At sixes and at sev'ns I own ; Mine's all at six and eight, man. List to the evidence that I Of my affection here suj^ply, Examine well my heart, now; It beats with such tremendous force, That its mere motion (" quite " of course) Is like a iolting cart, now. My judgment by default is gone. And I, alas ! go raving on, For fear you should forsake me ; There's no defense — don't be a brute, I give you a rule absolute. In execution take me. By act of Parliament alone. But by no action of your own, A gentleman they call you; What's that to me ? though slander's rife, I'm still i^rej^ared to be your wife. Although disgrace befall you. To , The Lawyer. 49 Your dirty pettifogging tricks May on you others' hatred fix, I heed not their reflections ; ]My passion now defies control, I cannot strike you off the roll Of my sincere affections. 5 50 A 3Ioan from the San FranciucQ Jjur, gi 'gitmi from i\xt ^mx ^tnntx^tm §uy, ©n losing an Iistccmrtr HaUg j^rmfier. Slas ! tf)at iHarg sf)ouIti unfaithful be Eo djffrful ILa&j an^i glalisomc lacjuitn; 2Cf)at tfje firigfji legal promise erst sf)e matst STILUS quichia from ijrr Ionian's minlf sljoutti fatre ; SnlJ all tijc glories of forensic strife Sfjoulti m;st:likc banis]^ from Ijrr tircam of life. No more to {[i^fjcmia ioti^ Ijcr fjomagc lie, %]cx Bent anti 33larkstone laiti forcbrr liji, ^Irr fcrain no more pcrplcieti iuitf) Eato's confccturcs, filer eloquence confineti to rurtain4ecturcs. 'iHiti iaijat granti projects liilJ fjer iajj^tireams pass ! "No quibbling frigfjt sfjc'lr tc ! No Sallg Jjrass! But sometfjing notlg feminine, to force ge Eo atimiration, — lihe Qntonio's Portia." 23ut mark ! SubtiueU antr mcefe, sljc stantietl) noiu, 2i2Eitf) ctimsoncU ti^eck,— confusion on f)er iroin,— €tone all f)er legal tact anti sljretoti acumen, — l^er nature all confcsscU, — a icrg inoman. ^cr lioinnfall Ijappencti in tijis curious luise: astraea iucars a fianUagc o'er Ijer cfics; 33ut tfjere's anotljcc ^Jcita tijafs filintieti, — 9n infant scapegrace, sIq anli cijil=mintie&, — EJHIjo one "Oas probjleU about in searef) of sport, anil clambcreli on tljc icncf) anTJ opencti court; UL\)cre stooU our iHaru, fumijling o'er l)ct papers, SJnioitting tlje de facto juligc's capers. A Moan from the San Francisco Bar, 51 ©uotf) fjr, " STfjts mai'li inoulti make tfjc rasfj attempt JTo oust mn furistiictfon ! Banfe contempt ! " 9ntJ facile sf)e trrmblins triEb f)fr pIcatiiRtj art, 5rf)e arcf)=roguc clappcti in nistotia tcr ^eart; Qnti so tof;iIc licftlg tocabing Iccjal snares. In Cupftj's toils, lo ! JHars falls uninarcs. a rannn Scot, as full of man's licceit 93 c&cr ufin^aiti egg ioas fu'.I of meat, iCSaas nameti as fiailiff, on ^is firm assurance ?lle*ti ftcep tfje recreant for age in hurancc; 33ut infjB inastc tropes in plaining our mishap? ©ur JJlarn's gone off toit^ an artist cfjap ! STfje crafts man of lanttscapcs, tuips, anli Iirus^es Cepit our iHarg, spite lirmuvring hlusi^rs; 9nti feiitf) a cool Uefianrc fl.:ng in curiam, (Comes t)0 tilg anti Ucfentis vim et injuriam, iHarg, gool3=t)ae, iuc must forgfbe tf)e ■ 3 3 , 3 3-, , , ',3 '3 . TAe TFi7^ o/ TF/^/ic/«z FuiffcU, Esq. 101 J 5 ' 3,3 3 1 ' 1 3 3 3 THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF WILLIAM RUFFELL, ESQ. As this life must soon end, and my frame will decay, And my soul to some far-distant clime wing its way, Ere that time arrives, now I free am from cares, 1 thus wish to settle my worldly affairs — A course right and proper men of sense will agree. I am now strong and hearty, my age forty-three ; I make this my last will, as I think 'tis quite time. It conveys all I wish, though 'tis written in rhyme, To employ an attorney I ne'er was iuclin'd. They are pests to society, sharks of mankind. To avoid that base tribe my own will I now draw, May I ever escaj^e coming under their paw. To Ezra Dalton, my nephew, I give all my land, With the old Gothic cottage that thereon doth stand ; 'Tis . near Shimpling great road, in which I now dwell. It looks like a chapel or liermit's old cell. With my furniture, j^late, and linen likewise, And securities, money, with what may arise. 'Tis my wish and desire that he should enjoy these, And i^ray let him take oven my sLin, if he jjlcase. 102 The Will of William Ruff ell, Esq, To my loving, kind sister I give and bequeath, For her tender regard, when this world I shall leave, If she choose to accej^t it, my rump-bone may take, And tip it with silver, a whistle to make. My brother-in-law is a strange-tempered dog ; He's as fierce as a tiger, in manners a hog ; A 2^etty tyrant at home, his frowns how they dread ; Two ideas at once never entered his head. So proud and so covetous, moreover so mean, I dislike to look at him, the fellow is so lean. He ne'er behaved well, and, though very unwilling, Yet I feel that I must cut him oif with a shillino:. My executors, too, should be men of good fame ; I appoint Edmund Euffell, of Cockfield, by name ; In his old easy-chair, with short pipe and snuff, What matter his whims, he is honest enough ; With Samuel Seely, of Alpheton Lion, I like his strong beer, and his word can rely on. When Death's iron hand gives the last fatal blow, And my shattered old frame in the dust must lie low. Without funeral pomp let my remains be conveyed To Brent Eleigh churchyard, near my father be laid. The Will of William Fuiffell, Esq. 103 This, writteu with my own hand, there can be no ai3peal, I now therefore at once set my hand and my seal, As being my last will ; I to this fully agree, This eighteenth day of March, eighteen hundred and three. 104 A Lawyer's Will. A LAWYER'S WILL. This is my last Will and Testament : Read it according to my intent. My gracious God to me liatli giv'n Store of good things that, under heav'n, Are giv'n to those " that love the Lord, And hear and do his sacred word": I therefore give to my dear wife All my estates, to keep for life, Real and personal, i:>rofits, rents, Messuages, lands, and tenements; After her death I give the whole Unto my children, one and all. To take as " Tenants in Common " do, Not as "Joint Tenants," ^9(^r mie, 2^Gr tout. I give " all my Trust Estates " in fee To Charlotte, my wife and devisee, To hold to her, on trust, the same As I now hold them in my name ; I give her power to convey the fee As fully as though 'twere done by me, And here declare that from all cliarges. My wife's " receipts are good discharges." A Lawyer' 8 Wdl. 105 May God Almighty bless bis Word To all " my presents from the Lord," May be his blessings on them shed When down in sleep they lay their head. And now, my wife, my hopes I fix On thee, my sole executrix — My truest, best, and to the end, My faithful partner, " crown," and friend. In witness thereof, I hereunto My hand and seal have set, In presence of those whose names below Subscribe and witness it. J. C. G. [l. s.] 2Gth January, 1835. This will was published, seal'd, and sign'd By the testator, in his right mind, In presence of us, who, at his request. Have written our names these facts to attest. J. M. D. E. J. G. D. Solicitors. 106 The Will of Joshua WesL THE WILL OF JOSHUA WEST. Perhaps I died not worth a groat ; But should I die worth something more, Then I give that, and ray best coat, And all ray raanuscrijjts in store, To those who shall the goodness have To cause my poor remains to rest Within a decent shell and grave. This is the will of Joshua West. Joshua West. Witnessed, V\. Mills. J. A. Berry. John Baines. The Will of James Birjsby, 107 THE WILL OF JAMES BIGSBY. As I feel very queer, my will I now make ; AYrite it down, Josei^h Finch, and make no mis- take. I wish to leave all things fair and right, do you see, And my relatives satisfy. N^ow, listen to me. The first in ray will is Lydia my wife, Who to me proved a comfort three years of my life ; The second ray poor aged mother I say. With whom I have quarrelled on many a day, For which I've been sorry, and also am still; I wish to give her a place in my will. The third that I mention is my dear little child ; When I think of her, Joseph, I feel almost wild. Uncle Sam Bigsby, I must think of him too, Peradventure he will say that I scarcely can do. And 230or Uncle Gregory, I must leave him a part If it is nothing else but the back of the cart. And for you, my executor, I will do what I can. For acting towards me like an honest young man. Now, to my wife I bequeath greater part of my store ; First thing is the bedstead before the front door ; 108 Thi Will of James Bigshsj. The next is the cliair standinc!; bv the fireside, Tlie fender and irons she cleaned with much 23ride. I also bequeath to Lydia my wife A box in the cupboard, a sword, gun, and knife, And the harmless old pistol w^ithout any lock, "Wtiich no man can fire off, for 'tis minus a cock. The cups and the saucers I leave her also, And a book called The History of Poor Little 3Io, With the kettle, the boiler, and old frying-pan, A shovel, a mud-scoop, a j^ail, and a pan. And remember, I firmly declare and protest That my poor aged mother shall have my oak chest And the broken whip under it. Do you hear what I say? Write all these things down without any delay. And my dear little child, I must think of her too. Friend Joseph, I am dying, what shall I do? I give her my banyan, my cap, and my hose, My big monkey-jacket, my shirt, and my shoes; And to Uncle Sam Bigsby I bequeath my high boots. And pickaxe and mattock with which I stubbed roots. And poor Uncle Gregory, with the wliole of my heart, I give for a bedstead the back of the cart. The Will of James Bigshy. 109 And to you, my executor, last in my will, I bequeath a few trifles to pay off your b.ll. I give you my shot-belt, ray dog, and my nets, And the rest of my goods sell to pay off my debts. Joseph Finch, Executcr. Dated February 4th, 1839 10 llO Wills Without Lawyers, WILLS WITHOUT LAWYERS. Vide, " Home-made Wills."— iVe^Jspa^^er Paragraph. I WAS a dissolute young blade, A scape-grace of the worst degree, And so my slow old uncle made A will to disinherit me. To save the lawyer's fees intent, The deed himself he needs must draw ; And by that precious testament. He cut me off — his heir-at-law. At last the old curmudgeon died. And lo! the will, when 'twas perused, Proved only signed on its outside ; And so the probate was refused. The tin is mine instead of Bill's, Although I am a worthless whelp : So Iiere's success to all whose wills Are made without a lawyer's help. MaJce Thy Will HI MAKE THY WILL. O LOVE, what life shines through thine eyes So bright, of clear uneloiided blue ! What radiant health, my treasure, dyes Thy dimpled cheeks witli roseate hue! How frail a thing is yet that life ! I think its loss myself would kill ; But lest I should, my little wife, Perchance survive thee, make thy will. O'er us, united, many years, I trust, there are to roll away ; But who can, in this vale of tears, Be certain of another day ? The least delay how oft we rue ! Precaution let that thought instill, What should be done at once to do ; Now that is, dearest, make thy will. Else I should not obtain the whole — Some paii) would go away from me — My own one, make me, then, thy sole Executor and legatee. 112 Hake Thy Well. Then let the happy moments fly, Far distant be that hour, until, If I be not the first to die, When thou wilt leave me. Make thy will. A Question of I'estamentarij Literjpretation. 113 A QUESTION OF TESTAMENTARY IN- TERPRETATION. A EoMAX lawyer, as the story goes, A question of this kind did first propose : That if a person die and leave behind His whole estate — the amount is here subjoined, 8,O00Z— And wife with child, then 'tis his will and mind, That of a son she should deliver'd be. Two-thirds must be his share, one-third for she ; But if a daughter, then the widow's share Must be two-thirds, the daughter one-third clear, Now, soon the widow is, as we do say, Delivered of a daughter and a boy; No^v, to answer the father's will, come tell to me, How the estate (with justice) must divided be. ANSWER. Unto the Roman lawyer thus I say, In answer to his "moot point" rais'd to-day; Whereas, the father (the testator) died, And for the event, that chanc'd fail'd to provide, And " Justice " thus was loft (alas!) to find And to discover how the father, kind 114 A Question of Testamentary Interpretation. (Had he but thought), would have express'd his mind ; It seems but right (to me, at least) to say, One-half the amount the executor should pay Unto the son ; the daughter and her mother Taking in equal moieties the other. Canons of Descent. 115 CANONS OF DESCENT. CANOX I. Estates go to the issue {item) Of him last seized, in infinitum ; Like cow tails, downward straight they tend, But never lineally ascend; CANO]S^ II. This gives that preference to males, At which a lady justly rails; CANON ni. Of two males in the same degree The eldest, only, heir shall be ; With females we this order break, And let them altoojether take : CANON IV. When one his worldly strife hath ended, Those who are lineally descended Erom him, as to his claims and riches, Shall stand precisely in his breeches ; 116 Canons of Descent. CANON" V. When lineal descendants fail, Collaterals the land may nail; So that they be (and that a bore is) Z>e sanguine progenitoris. CANON VI. The heir collateral, d'ye see, Next kinsman of whole blood must be ; CANON VII. And of collaterals, the male Stocks are preferred to female. Unless the land come from the woman, And then her heirs shall yield to no man. Hides of Descent in the United States. 117 RULES OF DESCENT IN" THE UXITED STATES. AS LAID DOWX BY KENT IN" 1831. If one dies owning an estate It lineally must gravitate ; If but one heir it will annex, To hiui or lier in spite of sex ; If there be more, as well there may, They all shall take/>e/' capita. But if degrees, perchance, there be, Of different consanguinity, As sons and grandsons, all shall take, And an estate in common make ; But such o'randsons have cause to fear it. They'll not an item more inherit, Than would have been their father's share, Had he been the living heir. But if the owner meets his fate — No lineal heir to his estate ; We've dared the Common Law to mend And his estate shall now ascend. 118 Rules of Descent in the United States. Again: in case the owner do Lack issue and lack parents too, His brothers and his sisters shall Succeed by rules collateral. If brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces. They then will take in equal pieces; If some be dead, some living be, They'll take by nearness of degree. And in default of father, mother, And nephews, nieces, sisters, brother, Or issue, the estate can't fall, But yet it will rise above them all. Again : and if i^erchance there shall Be no descendants lineal — If parents, brothers, sisters, none, With their descendants 'nealh the snn, Nor the grandparents, the estate Shall by unerring, legal fate Unto the aunts and uncles wend, And those who from them may descend; If equally related, they Will take their part ^9f r capita ; But if in different degrees, They all shall then take per " stirpes." Rules of Descent in the United States. 119 Provided, if the intestate had Derived his living from his dad, It shall to aunts and uncles slide. And issue on the father's side ; And if none such there be, perchance, Then to the uncles and the aunts On the maternal side 'twill go ; And this rule works e converso. This eighth last rule, it seems to me, Is rather stiff for poetry. 120 Variation of the Rule i7i Shelley^ s Case. VARIATION OF THE RULE IN SHELLEY'S CASE. At York, Pennsylvania, recently died A gentleman who, in his life-time, was tied With bonds matrimonial unto a wife ; The reason, j^erhaps, he departed this life. While living, however — though but a brief space Ere departing — he had tlie misfortune to place His wife in that rather peculiar position She ne'er could have entered of her sole volition ; Then, feeling himself quite exhausted and ill. He drew up and signed, sealed, and published his will, In which, with commendable care, he provided That at his demise his estate be divided 'Twixt his wife, soon to be a young widow forlorn, And the child that he hoj^ed would duly be born ; Said child, if a girl, to take only one-third ; But two-thirds, if a boy : whence it may be averred The testator a boy to a girl much j^referred. His affairs thus arranged and his wife in said fix, This father expectant crossed over the Styx. Variation of thi Rule in Shelleifs CasC: 121 Now, one would suppose — at least, at first thought, No will could be simpler and plainer — that naught Could, by any contingency, happen to throw Any doubt as to how the estate was to go : To the widow, one-third, or tw^o-thirds, or the whole, As the issue might be and the embryo soul Prove a male or a female, or perish at birth ; To the child, if a girl it should happen to be, One-third; if a boy, then two parts out of three. Was ever a more simple will made on earth ? But (to alter a proverb Frangaise), L'homme propose, la femme dispose. Nine months to a day. After shrouding her husband, our widow began To put into bold execution a plan She'd conceived with intent to demolish completely The will the deceased thought he'd drawn up so neatly. She sent for a priest and confessed all her sins, Then took to her bed and gave birth to — twins ; And, as if her dead lord to spite doubly, and vex his Pale ghost, the said twins were of opposite sexes ! And now all the lawyers and judges and friends Of this troublesome widow are at their wit's ends 122 Variation of the Rule in Shelley'' s Case. To determine just how the estate to divide ; And they find it a right knotty point to decide : Shall the boy have two-thirds while the other third goes To the girl, and the widow get naught for her throes ? Or must we allow the astute widow's claim To two-thirds on the plea that a feminine came, And to one-third beside on the opposite plea That one of the posthumous heirs is a he? Or shall the whole go to the lawyers and court ? Or Avhere else must a fitting solution be sought ? 'Tis a question o'er which it will be easy to quarrel, Let us leave it unanswered and draw a brief moral. MORAL. Ye over-affectionate husbands, take care ! Not to leave twins behind you in ventre sa inere. Above all, harbor not the prej^osterous thought. Your will can your widow's will possibly thwart. SC. Peter vs. a Lawyer. 123 ST. PETER Fas', a LAWYER. PROFESSIONS will abuse each other; The j)riest won't call the lawyer brother. While Salkeld still beknaves the parson, And says he cants to keep the farce on. Yet will I readily suppose They are not truly bitter foes, But only have their pleasant jokes, And banter, just like other folks. As thus, for so they quiz the Law, Once on a time, the attorney. Flaw, A man, to tell you as the fact is, Of vast chicane, of course of practice (But what profession can we trace Where some will not the corps disgrace? Seduc'd, perhaps, by roguish client, Who tempt him to become more pliant), A notice had to quit the world. And from his desk at once was hurl'd. Observe, I j^ray, the plain narration : 'Twas in a hot and long vacation, When time he had, but no assistance, Though great from courts of law the distance, 124 St. jPeter vs. a Lawyer. To reach the court of truth and justice (WJicre I confess, my only trust is), Though here below the learned pleader Shows talents Avorthy of a leader. Yet his own fame he must support, Be sometimes witty with the court, Or work the passions of a jury By tender strains, or, full of fury, Mislead them all, tho' twelve apostles, While with the new law the judge lie jostles, And makes them all give up their pow'rs, To sjDeeches of at least three hours. But we have left our little man, And wander'd from our purpos'd plan : 'Tis said (without ill-natured leaven), If ever lawyers get to heaven. It surely is by slow degrees (Perhaps 'tis slow they take their fees). The case then, now, I fairly state : Flaw reacli'd at last to heaven's \\vA\ c^ate: Quite short he rapp'd, none did it neater, The gate was open'd by St. Peter, Who look'd astonish'd when he saw All black, the little man of law ; But Charity was Peter's guide. For having once himself denied ^i. JPeter vs. a Lawyer. 125 His Master, he would not o'erpass The peuiteut of any class ; Yet having: never heard there enter'd A lawyer, nay, nor one that ventur'd Within the realms of peace and love, lie told him, mildly, to remove, And would have clos'd the gate of day, Had not old Flaw, in suppliant way, Demurring to so hard a fate, Begg'd but a look, tho', through the gate. St. Peter, rather off his guard, Unwilling to be thought too hard, Opens the gate to let him peep in. What did the lawyer? Did he creep in? Or dash at once to take possession ? O no ; he knew his own profession ; He took his hat off with respect. And would no gentle means neglect ; But finding it was all in vain For him admittance to obtain. Thought it were best, let come what will, To gain an entry by his skill. So while St. Peter stood aside To let the door be open'd wide, lie skimm'd his hat with all his strength Within the orate to no small lenojth : 12 G JSt. Peter vs. a Lawyer, St. Peter star'd ; the lawyer asked bim, " Only to fetch his hat," and pass'd him, But when he reach'd the jack he'd thrown, O, then was all the lawyer shown ; He clapp'd it on, and arms a-kembo (As if he'd been the gallant Bembo)^ Cry'd out, " What think you of my plan? Eject me, Peter ^ "^f you can.'''* Justice and the Lawyer. 127 JUSTICE AND THE LAWYER. Past twelve o'clock, the watchman cry'd ; His brief the studious lawyer plied ; The all-prevailing fee lay nigh, The earnest of to-morrow's lie. Sudden the furious winds arise, The jarring casement shattered flies; The doors admit a hollow sound, And rattling from their hinges bound, When Justice, in a blaze of light, Reveal'd her radiant form to sijrht. The wretch with thrilling horror shook, Loose every joint, and pale his look; Not having seen her in the courts, Or found her mentioned in reports. He ask'd, with falt'ring tongue, her name, Her errand there, and whence she came. Sternly the white-rob'd shade reply'd, (A crimson glow her visage dy'd). Canst thou be doubtful who I am ? Is Justice grown so strange a name ? Were not your courts for Justice rais'd ? 'Twas there of old my altars blaz'd. 128 Justice and the Lawyer, My guardian thee I did elect, My sacred temple to protect. That thou and all thy venal tribe Should spurn the goddess for the bribe ! Aloud the ruin'd client cries That Justice has nor ears nor eyes; In foul alliance with the bar, 'Gainst me the judge denounces war, And rarely issues his decree But with intent to baffle me. She paus'd. Iler breast with fury burn'd. The trcmblinfr lawver thus return'd : o I own the charge is justly laid, And weak th' excuse that can be made ; Yet search the spacious globe and see If all mankind are not like me. The gownsman, skilled in Romish lies, By faith's false glass deludes our eyes; O'er conscience rides, without control. And robs the man to save his soul. The doctor, with" important face. By sly design mistakes the case ; Prescribes, and spies out the disease, To trick the patient of his fees. Justice and the Lawyer. 129 The soldier, rough with many a scar, And red with slaughter, leads the war ; If he a nation's trust betray, The foe has offered double j^ay. When vice o'er all mankind prevails, And weighty interest turns the scales, Must I be better than the rest, And harbor justice in my breast? On one side only take the fee. Content with poverty and thee ? Thou blind to sense, and vile of mind, The exasperated shade rejoin'd, If virtue from the world is flown, Will others' faults excuse thy own ? For sickly souls the first was made ; Physicians for the body's aid ; The soldier guarded liberty ; Man, woman, and the lawyer me. If all are faithless to their trust. They leave not thee the less unjust. Henceforth your pleadings I disclaim, And bar the sanction of my name ; Within your courts it shall be read. That Justice from the law is fled. 130 The Devil and the Lawyers. THE DEVIL AND THE LAWYERS. The Devil came up to tlie earth one day, And into the court he wended his way, Just as the attorney, with very grave face, Was i^roceeding to argue the point in a case. Now, a lawyer his majesty never had seen ; For to his dominions none ever had been, And he felt A'ery anxious the reason to know Why none had been sent to the regions below. 'Twas the fault of his agents, his majesty thought, That none of these lawyers had ever been caught! And for his own pleasure he felt a desire To come to the earth and the reason inquire. Well, the lawyer who rose, with a visage so grave Made out his oj^i^onent a consummate knave ; And Satan felt considerably amused To hear the attorney so badly abused. But soon as the speaker had come to a close. The counsel opposing him fiercely arose, And heaped such abuse on the head of the first. That made him a villain of all men the worst. The Devil and the Laioyers, 131 Thus tliey quarrelled, coiiteuded, and argued so long, 'Twas hard to determine which of thcui was wrong, And concluding he'd heard enough of the fuss, Old Nick turned away, and soliloquized thus : "They've j^uzzled tlie court with their villainous cavil, And, I'm free to confess it, they've puzzled the Devil. My agents were right to let lawyers alone. If I had them they'd swindle me out of my throne." 13-J. The Farmer and the Counsellor. TITE FARMER AND THE COUNSELLOR. A Counsel in the Comraon Pleas Who was esteemed a mighty wit, Upon the strength of a cliance hit Amid a thousand flippancies, And his occisional bad jokes In bullying, bantering, brow-beating, RidiculincT and maltreatinGf Women, or other timid folks. In a late cause resolved to hoax A clownish Yorkshire farmer — one Who, by liis uncouth look and gait, Appear'd expressly meant by Fate For being quizz'd and play'd upon. So having tipp'd the wink to those In the back rows. Who kej^t their laughter bottled down Until our wag should draw the cork, He smiled jocosely on the clown, And went to work. " Well, Farmer Numskull, how go Calves at York?" " Why — not, sir, as they do wi' you, But on four legs instead of two." The Farmer and the Counsellor. 133 " Officer! " cried the legal elf, Piqued at thelaugL against himself, **Do, pray, keep sileuce down below there : Now look at me, clown, attend, Have I not seen you somewhere, friend ? " " Tees — very like — I often go there." '*Our rustic's waggish, quite laconic," The counsel cried, with grin sardonic ; " I wish I'd known this prodigy, This genius of the clods, when I On circuit was at York residing. Now, farmer, do for once speak true, Mind, you're on oath, so tell me, you Who doubtless think yourself so clever, Are there as many fools as ever In the West Riding?" " Why, no, sir, no ; we've got our share, But not so many as when you were there." 12 134 The CounseVs Tear. THE COUXSEL'S TEAR. If FahaDxVy's or Lie big's .irt Could crystallize this legal treasure, Long might a pleader near his heart The jewel wear with chuckling pleasure. The native brilliant, ere it fell, A squeeze produced in Walker's eye, Which, winking, dropped the liquid " sell," The sj3ring of plausibility. Nice drop of rich and racy light, In thee the rays of Humor shine ; Almost as queer, all but as bright, As any gem or joke of mine. Thou fine effusion of the soul ! That never fail'st to gain relief, Which barristers can ne'er control. When thou art like to help their brief : The farce-wright's and the jester's tlieme, In many a joke, on many a stage. Thou moisten'st Chitty's arid theme. And Blackstoxe's dry nnd dreary page. The CoiinseVs Tear. 135 That very lawyer who a tear Can shed, as from the bosom's source, With feeling equally sincere, Could weep on t'other side — of course. 136 Baines Careio^ Gentleman, BAINES CAREW, GENTLEMAN. Of all the good attorneys who Have placed their names upon the roll, But few could equal Baines Carew For tender-heartedness and soul. Whene'er he heard a tale of woe From client A or client B, His grief would overcome him so He'd scarce have strencrth to take liis fee. o It laid him up for many days, When duty led him to distrain ; And serving writs, although it pays, Gave him excruciating pain. He made out costs, distrained for rent, Foreclosed and sued, with moistened eye- No bill of costs could represent The value of such sympathy. No charges can approximate The worth of sympathy with woe ; — Although I think I ought to state He did his best to make them so. Raines Careic, Gentleman. 137 Of all the many clients who Had mustered round his legal flag, No sinsrle client of the crew Was half so dear as Captaix Bagg. Now, Captain Bagg had bowed him to A heavy matrimonial yoke — His wifey had of faults a few — She never could resist a joke. Her chaff at first he meekly bore, Till unendurable it grew. " To stop this pei-secution sore I will consult my friend Carew. " And when Carew's advice I've got, Divorce a inensd I shall try." (A legal separation — not A vinculo conjugii.) " O, Baixes Carew, my woe I've kept A secret hitherto, you know " ; — (And Baixes Carew, Esquire, he wept To hear that Bagg had any woe.) " My case, indeed, is passing sad. My wife — whom I considered true — With brutal conduct drives me mad." " I am appalled," said Bai^-es Carew. 138 Baines Carew^ Gentleman. " What ! sound the matrimonial knell Of worthy people such as these! Why was I an attorney? Well — Go on to the scevUia, please." " Domestic bliss has proved my "bane — A harder case you never heard, My wife (in other matters sane) Pretends that I'm a Dicky bird ! " She makes me sing, ' Too-wliit, too-wee ! ' And stand upon a rounded stick. And always introduces me To every one as ' Pretty Dick ' ! " " O, dear," said weeping Baixes Carew, "This is the direst case I know." *' I'm grieved," said Bagg, " at jjaining you — To Cobb & Poltherthwaite I'll go — *' To Cobb's cold, calculating ear. My grewsome sorrows PU impart " — " No ; stop," said Baines, " I'll dry my tear, And steel my sympathetic heart." " She makes me perch upon a tree, Rewarding me with ' Sweety — nice ! ' And threatens to exhibit me With four or five performing mice." Raines Careic^ Gentleman. 1S9 " Restrain my tears I wisli I could " (Said Baines), " I don't know what to do." Said Captaix Bagg, " You're very good." " O, not at all," said Baixes Carew. " She makes me fire a gun," said Bagg ; " And, at a preconcerted word, Climb up a ladder with a flag, Like any street j^erforming bird. " She places sugar in my way — In public places calls me ' Sweet ! ' She gives me groundsel every day, And hard canary-seed to eat." '' Oh, woe ! oh, sad ! oh, dire to tell ! '* (Said Baines). " Be good enough to stop." And senseless on the floor he fell, With unpremeditated flop. Said Captain- Bagg, " Well, really I Am grieved to think it pains you so. I thank you for your sympathy ; But, hang it ! — come — I say, you know ! " But Baines lay flat upon the floor, Convulsed with sympathetic sob ; — The Captain toddled off next door, And gave the case to Mr. Cobb. 140 Poor MicharcVs Opinion. POOE RICHARD'S OPINIOISr. I KNOW you lawyers can with ease Twist words and meanings as you please ; That language, by your skill made pliant, Will bend, to favor every client ; That 'tis the fee limits the sense To make out either side's pretense , When you peruse the clearest case, You see it with a double face. For skepticism's your profession, You hold there's doubt in all expression. Hence is the Bar with fees supplied, Hence eloquence takes either side ; Your hand would have but paltry gleaning Could every man express his meaning. Who dares presume to jjen a deed Unless you previously are feed ? 'Tis drawn, and to augment the cost, In dull prolixity engrossed ; And now we're w^ell secured by law. Till the next brother find a flaxo. Th^ Rush to the Bar. 141 THE RUSH TO THE BAR. Air.—" The Low-backed Car." Now listen, and I'll sing you Some light and artless rhymes , We need such lays our hearts to raise, In these distressful times. The song that I will sing you Is not of deeds of war, But about the lads that come in squads, To join the Scottish Bar. Chorus : To enter the ranks of the Bar, Thev are flockini? from near and far! I think they are mad, but still I am glad That there should be such faith in the Bar. No year that we remember. Such a crop of them has seen, There have passed since last December, Not less than seve?iteen / And ei(/ht have paid their entrance fees, Who'll pass, no doubt, next year. To walk the boards, and increase the hoards, The widow's souls that cheer. 142 The Bush to the Bar, Chorus: Such a rush as there is to the Bar, In spite of hard times and war ! Their wigs when they don, I hope tliey'll get on, And be pleased that they came to the Bar. To us behind the scenes here, The sight seems rather strange; For trade is slack, though there's no lack Of movement and of chancre ; Our prizes are not many, And when a chance we see, The question now seems always how That they may best abolished be ! Chorus : But yet they come on to the Bar, Each hoping to prove a star. The places to fill, that are vacant still, Of the former great lights of the Bar. To the learned Examinators You'll justice do, I'm sure, Their work has been, as you may ween. This year no sinecure. 'Tis reckoned a proof of vigor To yield at a birth two or more; But what will you say when in one day Our Faculty brought forth Four! The Rush to the Bar. 143 Chorics : Thus we keep up the life of the Bar, And from dread of extinction are far ! While promising boys come to add to our joys, And share in the luck of the Bar. Then pledge the bold young jurists Who have joined our ranks this year ; Their healths we'll drink, whatever we think Of the foUv that brincjs them here. I hope they have private fortunes, To furnish the sinews of war ; If not, let us pray, they never may say, We were daft when we thought of the Bar. Chorus : So let them come on to the Bar, Things can scarcely be worse than they are! Here's success to the lads, who are com- ing in squads To prove that there's life in the Bar ! 144 The Song of the Intrant. THE SONG OF THE INTRANT. " Vos lucernas juris nocturnal versate raann, versate diurna." "With eyelids heavy and red, Intent on the labor of cram, An Intrant sat, with dishevelledhair, Preparing for his Exam. Read, read, read ! Morning, noon, and night ; And still at his books, without liquor or weed, He sat till early light ! Read, read, read ! While the cabs go rattling past ; And read, read, read ! Till the gay world's home at last. It's oh ! to be at the Ball, With its dance, flirtation, and " cham," The cool walk home, the quiet cigar — Confound this horrid Exam. ! Read, read, read! Till the brain begins to swim; Read, read, read ! Till the eyes are heavy and dim. Tlie Song of the Intrani 145 Stair, Erskine, and Hume, Hume, Erskine, and Stair, Till over the volumes I sleepily nod. And headlong descend from my chair! Grind, grind, grind! My brain I never rest ! And for what ? Perhaps a petition or two, With a jury trial at best ! The Bar is waxing large. The causes are waxing few ; Nausrht but a briefless life stands out To my despairing view ! Read, read, read! From weary chime to chime ; Read, read, read ! As prisoners work for crime ! Bell and Menzies and Ross, Ross, Menzies, and Bell, Tillthehead growshot and the feet grow cold, And the veins of the temples swell. Read, read, read ! In the dull December light ; 13 146 The Song of the Intrant. And read, read, read ! When the weather is warm and bright. 1 daren't go down to golf, Cricket I must forswear, Basket and rod must be laid on the shelf, There isn't a day to spare. Oh! but to breathe the breath Of the cowslip and j^rimrose sweet, With the sky above my head, And the grass beneath my feet ! Though for cowslip and primrose and grass I did not care one straw. Before in an evil hour I resolved To begin the study of law. Oil ! but for one short hour ! A respite however short I A little leisure to walk or ride, If I haven't the time for sport. A two hours' ride would freshen me up, And yet I must toil on here Tillmytemples throb and my sight grows dim, And my head feels dull and queer ! With shoulders weary and bent, Unflaggingly striving to cram, The Song of the Intrant. 147 An Intrant sat with an achins^ head Preparing for his Exam. Read, read, read, From eve till early light, And still of the hours he took no heed He rested neither to sleej) nor feed, But sat there day and night ! 148 Crossi7ig the JRuMcon. CROSSESTG THE RUBICON". Despite of a little fear lurking, I have pulled through ray final Exam.; So adieu for a short time to working, And farewell forever to cram. I shall put on my gown — not unheeded ; Some, seniors, shall wish me good luck, Will tell me of men who've succeeded — Not a word about those who have stuck. In this breathing space, just for a moment I brood, and I muse, and inquire What ray fortune is — well or ill omened ? What ray j^ortion is — lower or higher? Come, tell me, thou ancient haruspedc^^ Are we classed with the fortunate few? Shall sunshine or shade rest on us specks Of cloud in the infinite blue ? Shall the barque of my fortunes, a " clean ship, ' Return to the port whence it came ? May I ever aspire to the Deanship And to leavinoj a notable name ? Shall I come to be Lord Justice-General, Or only be Lord Justice Clerk? Crossing the Huhicon. 149 Comes a smister wlnsiDer, '' New men are ail Inclined to slioot over the mark." Shall I rank with the forcible-feebles, Or shall I come out as a star ? Shall I try salmon fishers in Peebles, Preferring that much to the bar? Shall I, waft on a wild wind, be borne away To regions forlorn and remote? To Lerwick, Lochmaddy, or Stornoway, Where life is not worth half a groat ? After years shall I willingly take a Decent banishment out in Ceylon, Judge coolies and blacks in Jamaica, Or elsewhere in some tropical zone? On the Gold Coast, o'er niggers and ki*oornen, Shall it be my sad fortune to reign ? Notd bene, some good men and true men Such little jobs did not disdain. Or tied to the helm of some journal. Shall I drudge through the sultry July, And feel it not easy to spurn all Temptations to have a "good shy"? Let the high fates our fortunes determine, Yet what matters their smile or their frown ? Some hearts have been sad 'neath the ermine That were merry beneath the stuff gown. 150 Crossing the Huhicon. I own, like the rest of mankind, most Legal folks rather favor the first ; So with watch-word of "Deuce take the hindmost! " Let us go at our work with a burst. Nay ! nay ! with an honest endeavor, With a spirit that's gallant and true, Let us strive and be thankful — whatever The fates bring to me and to you. Advice to a ITouiig Lawyer. 131 ADVICE TO A YOUNG LAWYER. Whene'er you speak, remember every cause Stands not on eloquence, but stands on laws; Pregnant in matter, in expression brief. Let every seutence stand with bold relief; On trifling j^oints, nor time nor talents waste, A sad offense to learning and to taste ; Nor deal with pompous phrase, nor e'er suppose Poetic flights belong to reasoning prose ; Loose declamation may deceive the crowd. And seem more striking as it grows more loud ; But sober sense rejects it with disdain. As naught but empty noise, and weak as vain. Th.e froth of words, the school-boy's vain parade Of books and cases — all his stock in trade — The pert conceits, the cunning tricks and play Of low attorneys, strung in long array, The unseeml}'- jest, the petulant reply, That chatters on, and cares not how or why, Studious, avoid unworthy themes to scan, They sink the Speaker and disgrace the Man. Like the false lights by flying shadows cast, Scarce seen when j^resent, and forgot when past. 1'^^ Advice to a young X>awyer. Begin with dignity ; exj^ound with grace Each ground of reasoning in its time and place ; Let order reign throughout ; each topic touch, Nor urge its power too little or too much, Give e.-K'h strong thought its most attractive view- In diction clear, and yet severely true. And, as the arguments in splendor grow, Let each reflect its lioht on all below. When to the close arrived, make no delays By petty flourishes or verbal plays, But sum the whole in one deep, solemn strain, Like a strong current hastening to the main. Be brief, be pointed; let your matter stand Lucid in order, solid, and at hand ; Spend not your words on trifles, but condense ; Strike with the mass of thought, not drops of sense ; Press to the close with vigor, once begun ; And leave (how hard the task!) — leave off when done. Who draws a labored length of reasoning out. Puts straws in line for wdnds to whirl about. Who drawls a tedious tale of learning o'er Counts but the sands on ocean's boundless shore. Victory in law is gain'd, as battles fought, Xot by the numbers, but the forces brought. Advice to a Young Laicyer. 153 What boots success in skirmish or in fray, If rout and ruin following close the day ? What worth a hundred posts maintained with skill, If, these all l.eld, the foe is victor still? He who would win his cause, with power must frame Points of support, and look with steady aim ; Attack the weak, defend the strong with art, Strike but few blows, but strike them to the heart ; All scatter'd fires but end in smoke and noise. The scorn of men, the idle play of boys. Keep, then, this first great precept ever near: Short be your speech, your matter strong and clear, Earnest your manner, warm and rich your style, Severe in taste, yet full of grace the while ; So may you reach the loftiest heights of fame. And leave, when life is past, a deathless name. 154 On Argument in Court. LINES WRITTEN ON HEARING AN ARGUMENT IN COURT. Spare me quotations, which, tho' leariiM, are loii^, On i^oints remote at best, and rarely strong ; How sad to find our time consumed by speech, Feeble in logie, feebler still in reach. Yet urged in words of high and bold pretense, As if the sound made up the lack of sense. O, could but lawyers know the great relief. When reasoning comes close, pointed, clear, and brief ; When every sentence tells, and as it falls With ponderous weight, renew'd attention calls — Grave and more grave each topic, and its force Exhausted not till ends the destined course — Sure is the victory, if the cause be right; If not, enough the glory of the fight. The Briefless Barrister. 155 THE BRIEFLESS BARRISTER. A BALLAD. An Attorney was taking a turn, In shabby habiliments drest; His coat, it was shockingly worn, And the rust had invested his vest. His breeches had suffered a breach. His linen and worsted were worse ; He had scarce a whole crown in his hat, And not half a crown in his purse. And thus as he wandered along, A cheerless and comfortless elf, He sought for relief in a song. Or complaiiiingly talked to himself : — "Unfortunate man that I am! I've never a client but grief : The case is, I've no case at all. And in brief, I've ne'er had a brief ! *' I've waited and waited in vain. Expecting an ' opening' to find, 156 The Briefless Barrister. Where an honest young lawyer might gain Some reward for toil of his mind. '• 'Tis not that I'm wanting in law, Or lack an intelligent face, That others have cases to plead, While I have to plead for a case. "O, how can a modest young man E'er hope for the smallest progression — The profession's already so full Of lawyers so full of profession ! " While thus he was strolling around, His eye accidentally fell On a very deep hole in the ground, And he sighed to himself, "It is well ! " To curb his emotions, he sat On the curbstone the space of a minute, Then cried, " Here's an opening at last ! " And in less than a jiffy was in it ! Next morninoc twelve citizens came ('Twas the coroner bade them attend), To the end that it mi2jht be determined How the man had determined his end ! The JBriefless JBarrister. 157 '" The man was a lawyer, I hear," Quoth the foreman who sat on the corse. "A lawyer? Alas ! " said another, " Undoubtedly died of remorse ! " A third said, " He knew the deceased, An attorney well versed in the laws, And as to the cause of his death, 'Twas no doubt for the want of a cause.'* The jury decided at length, After solemnly weighing the matter. That the lawyer was drownc^ed, because He could not keep his head above water. li 158 El^QV i"- t^^^ Temple Gardens. ELEGY WRITTEN IN THE TEMPLE GARDENS. The gard'ner rings the bell at close of day, The motley crowd wind slowly home to tea ; Soft on the Thames the daylight fades away, And leaves the w^alks to darkness and to me. Now shine the glimmering gas-lami3s on the sight, The wardens now the outer portals lock, And deepest stillness marks th' approach of night. Save when the watchman calls, "Past ten o'clock." Save, also, when from yonder antique tower,^ With solemn sound the bell strikes on the ear, And wand'ring damsels, as they hear the hour, Trip through the gloomy courts with haste and fear. In those high rooms where clients ne'er intrude, And here and there a light doth dimly peep. Each in his lonely set of chambers mewed. The briefless crowd their nightly vigils keep. The grave attorney, knocking frequently, The tittering clerk who hastens to the door. Elegy in the Temple Gardens. 159 The bulky brief, and corresponding fee, Are things unknown to all that lofty floor. Small comfort theirs, when each dull day is o'er, N"o gentle wife their joys and griefs to share, Xo quiet homeward walk at half-past four To some snug tenement near Russell Square. Oft have they read each prosing term report, Dull treatises, and statutes not a few ; How many a vacant day they've passed in court ! How manv a barren circuit travell'dthroucrh! Yet let not judges mock their useless toil, And joke at sapient faces no one knows; Nor ask, with careless and contemptuous smile, If no one moves in all the long back rowSc Vain is the coif, the ermiu'd robe, the strife Of courts, and vain is all success e'er gave ; Say, can the judge, whose word gives deatli or life, Reprieve himself VfYi^n summoned to the grave? Nor you, ye leaders, view them with ill will. If no one sees their speeches in The Times, Where long-drawn columns oft proclaim your skill To blacken innocence and palliate crimes. IGO ^^^QV i^^ ihe Temple Gardens. Cftn legal lore or animated speech Avert that sentence which awaits on all ? Can nisi prius craft and snares o'erreach That Judge, whose look the boldest must appall ? Perhaps in those neglected rooms abound Men deeply versed in all the quirks of laws, Who could, with cases, right and wrong confound, And common sense upset by splitting straws. But ah ! to them no clerk his golden page, liich with retaining fees, did e'er unroll ; Chill negligence repressed their legal rage. And froze the quibbling current of the soul. Full many a barrister who well could plead. Those dark and unfrequented chambers bear ; Full many a pleader born to draw unfee'd. And waste his counts upon the desert air. Some F-ll-tt, whom no client e'er would trust, Some W-lde, who gain'd no verdict in his life; In den obscure, some D-nm-n there may rust. Some C — pb — II, with no peeress for his wife. The wits of wondering juries to beguile, The wrongs of injured clients to redress, JElegy in the Temple Gardens. ICl To gain or lose their verdict with a smile, And read their speeches in the daily press, Their lot forbade. — Xor was it theirs, d'ye see, The wretched in the toils of law to lure ; To prostitute their conscience for a fee. And shut the gates of justice on the poor. To try mean tricks to win a j^altry cause. With threadbare jests to catch the laugh of fools; Or j^uff in court, before all human laws, The lofty wisdom of the last iSTew Rules. Not one rule oiisi^ even " to compute," Their gentle voices e'er were heard to pray ; Calm and sequestered, motionless and mute. In the remote back seats they passed each day. Yet e'en their names are sometimes seen in print, For frail memorials on the outer doors Disclose, in letters large and dingy tint, The unknown tenants of the upper floors. Door-i30sts supply the place of Term Re2:)orts, And splendid plates around the painter sticks, To show that he, who never moved the courts, Has moved from number two to number six. 162 ET-^Oy **^i ^^6 Temple Gardens. For who, to cold neglect a luckless prey, nis unfrequented attic e'er resigned, E'er moved with better hoj^es across the way, And did not leave a spruce tin plate behind ? Strong is the love of fame in noble minds; And he whose bold asj^irings fate doth crush Receives some consolation when he finds His name recorded by the painter's brush. For thee, who, mindful of each briefless wight, Dost in these motley rhymes their tale relate, If, musing in his lonely attic flight. Some youthful student should inquire thy fate, Ilaply some usher of the court may say, — "At morn I've mark'd him oft, 'twixt nine and ten. Striding with hasty step the strand away ; At four o'clock to saunter back again. " There in the Bail Court, w^here yon quaint old judge Doth twist his nose and wreath his wig awry, — Listless for hours he'd sit and never budge. And j)ore upon a book — the Lord knows why. Elegy in the Temple Gardens. 163 *' Oft would he bid me fetch him some report, And turn from case to case, with look forlorn ; Then bustling would he run from court to court, As if some rule of Ms were coming on. " One morn I missed that figure lean and lank, And that pale face, so often marked by me ; Another came — nor yet was he in Banc, ISTor th' Exchequer, nor at the Pleas was he. " The next day, as at morn I chanced to see Death's peremptory j^aper in The Times, I read his name, which there stood number three, And there I also read these doleful rhymes: " EPITAPH. '■ Here rests a youth lamented but by few, A barrister to fame and courts unknown ; Brief was his life — yet was it briefless too. For no attorney marked him for his own. " Deep and correct his knowledge of the laws, No judge a rule of his could e'er refuse ; He never lost a client or a cause. Because, forsooth, he ne'er had one to lose. 164 El^gy in the Temple Gardens. "E'en as he lived unknown, unknown he dies; Calm be his rest, from hopeless struggle free, Till that dread Court, from which no error lies. Shall final judgment j^ass on him and thee." The Brief. 165 THE BRIEF. As in my chambers, all alone, At silent eve I sat, Indulging a despairing groan, I heard a rat-tat-tat; I started up — I wiped my eye; I would not show my grief. What do I see — what do I spy ?- A client with a brief. I seize it in my eager hand ; He bids me look within. That I may shortly understand, The cause I fain would win. I did so — ^how my lips I bit. With rage, despair, and grief !- There was a copy of a writ Folded inside the brief. IGG The First Client, THE FIRST CLIENT. John Smith, a young attorney, just admitted to the bar, Was solemn and sagacious as — as young attorneys are ; And a frown of deep abstraction held the seizin of his face, The result of contemplation of the rule in Shelley's Case. One day in term time Mr. Smith was sitting in the court, When some good men and true of the body of the county did on their oath report. That heretofore, to wit, upon the second day of May, A. D. 1877, about the hour of noon, in the county and State aforesaid, one Joseph Scroggs, late of said county, did then and there feloniously take, steal, and carry away One bay horse of the value of fifty dollars, more or less The First Client. 1G7 (The same then and there being of the property, goods, and chattels of one Hezekiah Hess), Contrary to the statute in such case expressly made And provided ; and against the peace and dignity of the State wherein the venue had been laid. The prisoner, Joseph Scroggs, was then arraigned upon this charge. And plead not guilty, and of this he threw himself ujDon the country at large ; And, said Joseph being poor, the Court did gra- ciously appoint Mr. Smith to defend him— much on the same prin- ciple that obtains in every charity hospital where a young medical student is often set to rectify a serious injury to an organ or a joint. The witnesses seemed prejudiced against poor Mr. Scroggs ; And the District Attorney made a thrilling speech, in which he told the jury that if they didn't find for the State he reckoned he'd have to " walk their lojirs." 1G8 The First Client. Then Mr. Smith arose and made his speech for the defense, Wherein he quoted Shakespeare, Blackstone, Chitty, Archbold, Joaquin Miller, Story, Kent, Tup- per, Smedes and Marshall, and many other writers ; and everybody said they " never heered sich a bust of eloquence." And he said : " On this hypothesis, ray client must go free " ; And : *' Again, on this hypothesis, it's morally impossible that he could be guilty, don't you see?" Again: "Then, on this hypothesis, you really can't convict " ; And so on, with forty-six more hypotheses, upon none of which, Mr. Smith ably demonstrated could Scroggs be derelict. But the jury, never stirring from- the box wherein tliey sat, Returned a verdict of " guilty " ; and his Honor straightway sentenced Scroggs to a three- year term in the penitentiary, and a heavy fine, and the costs on top of that ; The First Client. 169 And the jDrisoner, in wild delight, got up and danced and sung, And when they asked him the reason of this strange behavior, he said : " It's because I got off so easy ; for, if there'd ha' been a few more of them darned hypothesises^ I should cer- tainly have been hung.'' 15 170 Monody on the Death of an Only Client, MONODY ON THE DEATH OP AN ONLY CLIENT. TAKE away my wig and gown, Their sight is mockery now to me : 1 pace my chambers up and down, Reiterating, " Where is Ae?" Alas ! wild echo, with a moan, Murmurs above my feeble head ; In the wide world I am alone ; Ha, ha ! my only client's dead ! In vain the robing-roora I seek. The very waiters scarcely bow ; Their looks contemptuously speak, " He's lost his only client now." E'en the mild usher, who of yore Would hasten when his name I said To hand in motions, comes no more ; He knows my only client's dead. Ne'er shall I, rising up in court, OjDen the pleadings of a suit ; Ne'er shall the judges cut me short, While moving them for a compute. Monody on the Death ofaii Only Client. 171 !N"o more with a consentinor brief Shall I politely bow my head ; Where shall I run to hide my grief? Alas ! my only client's dead. Imagination's magic power Brings back, as clear as clear can be, The spot, the day, the very hour When first I signed my maiden plea. In the exchequer's hindmost row I sat, and some one touched my head, He tendered ten-and-six, but oh ! That only client now is dead. In vain I try to sing — I'm hoarse ; In vain I try to play the flute ; A phantom seems to flit across — It is the ghost of a compute. I try to read, but all in vain ; My chamber listlessly I tread ; Be still, my heart ; throb less, my brain ; Ho, ho ! my only client's dead. I think I hear a double knock ; I did — alas ! it is a dun. 172 Monody on the Death of an Only Client. Tailor, avaunt! my sense you shock; He's dead ! you know I had but one. What's this they thrust into my hand ? A bill returned ! ten pounds for bread ! My butcher's got a large demand ; I'm mad ! my only client's dead. A Successful Career. 173 A SUCCESSFUL CAREER. "When a dozen years are over Since the ship j^ut out to sea, Perhaps you may discover That you are an A. D. When eight more years are over, And things have got humdrum, Perhaj^s you may discover That a Sheriff you've become. When ten more years are over. And your faculties need a nudge, Perhaps you may discover That you've been made a Judge. And when you come to seventy, And snow-white is your head, Perhaps you may discover Of a sudden that you're dead. And when a month is over. Since you met the common lot, Were you living, you'd discover That you are quite forgot. 174 The Yision and the Reality. THE VISION AND THE EEALITY. THE YISION. I'd be a lawyer gifted with power, Clients to draw to my little retreat; I'd jDore over Blackstone for many an hour, With pleas and rejoinders fill many a sheet; I'd win every cause, and would eloquence showier, Convince judge and jury with arguments meet; I'd be a lawyer gifted with power, Clients to draw to mv little retreat. I ne'er would be drawn from this science away By the pleadings of friendship or the soft smile of love ; I would study and think for my clients all day, And all the delights of fidelity prove. To fame I would climb, and would toil the steep way, Nor shrink from the labor if honor aj^prove. I'd be a lawyer, I'd be a lawyer, Nor shrink from the labor if honor approve. Then say what can equal the advocate's joy The opi^ressor to thwart, the oppressed to defend? The 'Vision and the Medllty. J 75 The triumphs of justice have little alloy, Fame, honor attending, and wealth in the end. A name for my country, (how pure is the joy !) Untarnished and bright, such a course would attend. I'd be a lawyer, I'd be a lawyer, The oppressor to thwart, the oppressed to defend. THE REALITY. O, I am a lawyer, and live in a den Called an office — a snug and a quiet retreat — It is sixteen feet one way, the other but ten, And the temperature's not far above "fever-heat." I watch there for clients, but that's all a hum. Like sprites from the " vasty deep " called — they don't come. I have pen, paper, ink, and blank writs a good store. Three chairs, and a table, a day-book, and docket; Get five writs a term, a defense or two more, Am 2)lus in my idleness, rni?ius in pocket ; To persuade court and jury I argue all day. And convince them it's right to decide t'other way. So much for the profit and pleasure. And now, The account as to honor pray let us be casting ; 176 The Vision and the Heality. That there's fame to be had, I most freely allow : People "damn" the j^rofession "to fame ever- lasting"; Tliey'll tell you a lawyer but seeks for the pelf, And for that will out-Herod the D 1 himself. A Whimsical Attorney's Bill, 177 A WHIMSICAL ATTORNEY'S BILL. A BILL OF CHAEGES, JUSTLY DUE, FKOM A. B. C. TO S. T. U. £ s. d. Attending for instructions, when Your honor bade me call again, 6 8 The like attendance, time the second. Which as before is fairly reckoned, 6 8 Taking instructions given to me For drawing up your pedigree, 6 8 Perusing said instructions to Consider whether right or no, 8 You form the scale in just perfection^ I therefore only charge insjDection, G 8 Drawing up pedigree complete, Fail' coj^y (closely wrote), one sheet, G 8 Attending to examine same, And adding Tom to William Nairn, Addendum of Sir Darcy's birth. Paid Porter's coach hire, and so forth. Fair copy of this bill of cost, Another, for the first was lost, Advice, time, trouble, and my care lu settling this perplexed affair, 110 G 8 6 8 5 6 2 2 178 A Whimsical Attorney'' s Bill. Writing receipt at foot of bill, 3 4 My clerk — but give him what you will, 4 7 2 Eeceived of A. B. C. aforesaid The full contents: what can be more said? S. T. U. i The Bachelor's Dream. 179 THE BACHELOR'S DREAM. A' NiCHT I'm haunted by a shajDe, In weeds o' dool and bran-new crape, A fillet reid o' office -tape, Medusan locks in 'mid o' ; I ken her weel, although she haud Her ill-faure'd face intil her maud. It's that — it's that contingent jaud, My widow. Ilk towraont in the month o' June, I get Hall-marked like ony spune, And five gude punds, a croon abune, I bude to mak' me rid o', That's a' for her ; sae though I crane Roond by her haffits a' in vain, It's her, or I am sair mista'en, My widow. " I'm tell't," wi' gruesome tane quo' she, "Twa coontin chiels a Committee, And aiblins mair wi' thocht o' me, Are unco mystified, O 180 The J^achelor's Dream, Lat them collogue, be't Avrang or riclit, But mill my Jo, I rede ye ticht Ye'll rue the day ye daured to slicht Your widow." Says ane, " I f egs I'll pay nae mair, The pickle gowd I ill can spare. For hags that leeve far yont their share, Like them bafore the Flude, O, Gudcraan the chiel his wits has tint. I daur ye to sae much as mint, For twa three motion-fees, to stint . Your widow." Anither says : " The bits o' weans, N'o auld eneuch to fend their lanes, They maun ha'e duds to cuire their banes, And warm their orphan blude, O. Xa, na, let Heriot's deed the brats, And stairve or kill them wi' the bats. There's ane comes ^^n'mo loco tliat's — Your widow." " I'll marry ye to please mysell, I'll gie ye some sma taste o' , And syne I'll kist ye in your shell. And blithely steek the lid, O. The Bachelor* 8 Dream. 181 Than gin ye le'e me bune the grund, Wi' nocht o' tocher but the Fund, Wha'll pree wi' sax and saxty pund, Your widow ? " Sae ilka nicht she'll crack and glowre, Frae midnicht to the chap o' foure, I sweat and swarf, and ower and ower I wuss her at Megiddo. I'm dw^inin' fast, I'm well nigli spent, I'll vote to raise the annual rent, I'll vote lor aucht that will content. My widow. 10 182 J/y Wkhw. MY AYIDOW. A BACHELOR boi'ii (a common fate), And doomed to die a celibate, Still I must pay thine annual rate. My widow ! I'm trapped ! A wife you may divorce. Get rid of her by fraud or force ; With thee there's no such blest resource, My widow ! No wife in this drear world have I; And in the other, when I die, Thy sweet face will not greet my eye, My widow! Mateless in both worlds thus I am ; Yet I 7nust pay, O shameful sham ! No wonder that I often damn My widow! Doubly bereft, 'tis I should be Put on the Fund ; and yet on. thee Devolves the snug annuity, My widow ! My Widow. 188 Full many a maid have I embraced ; But never did I clasp thy waist, Nor nectar of thy lijis did taste, My widow ! What art thou like ? Art dark or fair? With carroty or raven hair? Of common or distingue air ? My widow ! '' With meek and unaffecte>] grace,'' Dost thou put on a pious face ? Dost girn or giggle or grimace ? My widow ! " You pay your mono}', take your choice," In all things else ; but I've no voice In that Vv'hich does they heart rejoice, My widow! Ah ! never shall I call thee wife ; Ne'er see thy lineaments in life ; Never enjoy connubial strife. My widow ! From death's dim realm a ghostly hand I'll stretch to thee and all the band Of shadowy babes that round thee stand. My widow I 184 Mij Widow. We ne'er shall see (at which I'm grieved) Our family, all unachieved ; Conceivable, but unconceived, My widow I Monhoddo 1S5 MONBODDO. The thouGjlit that men bad once had tails Caused many a grin full broad, O ; And why in us that feature fails, Was asked of old Monboddo. He showed that sitting on the rump, While at our work we plod, O, Would wear the appendage to the stump, As close as in Monboddo. Alas ! the good lord little knew, As this strange ground he trod, O, That others would his path pursue, And never name Monboddo ! Such folks should have their tails restored, And thereon feel the rod, O, For having thus the fame ignored That's due to old Monboddo. Though Darwin now proclaim the law, And spread it far abroad, O, The man that first the secret saw, Was honest old Monboddo. ]8fi The Process of Wakening. THE PROCESS OF WAKENING. Air—" Peggie is over ye Sie wi' y= Souhlier." — Skene MS. Jenny ! puir Jenny ! the fl >w'r o' the le.^ — Th-' blithesome, the whisome, the gentle an' free- The joy and the pride 0' the kintra side — She dee'd of a process o' wakening. ThouG:h lier skin was sae smooth an' her fini^ers sae sma', She won through the whoopin'-cough, measles, an' a' — She never took ill Frae fever or chill — Yet she dee'd of a process o' wakening. The case fell asleep when her grandfather dee'd ; And few folk remembered it e'er had been plea'd. She never heard tell O' the matter hersel', Till they sent her the summons o' wakening. Jenny ! jmir Jenny ! — though courted by a'. Only ane touched her lioart — an' he bore it awa. The Process of Wdkeniiig, ]87 It had just been arranged That her state should be changed, When they sent her the summons o' wakening. She liad phghted her troth ; they had fixed on the day ; A' arrangements completed — nae chance o' delay ; She was thinkin' on this, And entranced wi' bliss, When they sent her the summons o' wakening. Her friends were sae kindlv, her true-love sae prized ; Surrounded by tliem, an' by him idolized ; She had just j^assed the night In a dream o' delight, When they sent her the summons o' wakening. She fee'd the best counsel — what could she do mair? She read through the j^apers wi' sorrow an' care, But could only mak out. That beyond ony doubt, 'Twas a wearifu' process o' wakening. An' her friends that she thought wad be constant for aye, Of course they grew scarce, an' kept out o' her way ; 188 The Process of Wakening. For naebody ken'cl How the matter wad end, When they heard o' the process o' wakening. An' her true-love, for whom she wad gladly gien a', Slid cauld frae her grasp, like a bullet o' snaw ; — Sae she gied up the case, An' gied up the ghaist. An' dee'd o' a process o' wakening. Soumiii and Roumin. 189 SOIBIIN AND ROUMIN. "Where divers heritors have a common pasturage in one commonv.y, no part whereof is ever plowed, the said com- mon pasturage maybe so?rme(i and roumed, that all the souins the wliole commonty can hold may be determined and pro- portioned to each roam having the common pasturage, ac_ cording to the holding of that roum.'' — Case of the Laird of Drumalzier, Stair s Decisions, ii. G78. Air — "Hooly and Fairly." My Grannie! — she was a worthy auld woman ; She keepit three geese an' a cow on a coraraon. Pnir body! — she sune made her fii' purse a toom ane, By raism' a process o' Soumin and Rouinin. Soumin and Roumin — By raising a process o' Sonmin and Roumin. A yomig writer lad j^ut it into her head ; He gi'ed himser out for a dab at the trade — For guidin' a plea or a j^roof quite uncommon, xind a terrible fellow at Soumin and Roumin. Soumin and Roumin, etc. Tie took her three geese to get it begun, And he needit her cow to carry it on. 190 Soumhi and Roumin. Syne she gi'ed liiin her band for the cost that was comin'', And on went the jirocess o' Soumin and Roumin. Soumin and Roumin, etc. My Grannie she grieved, and my grannie she graned As she paid awa ilk honest groat she had hained ; She sat in her elbow-chair, L^low'rin' and gloomin', Speakin' o' naething but Soumin and Roumin. Soumin and Roumin, etc. She caredna for meat, and she caredna for drink ; By night or by day she coukl ne'er sleep a wink. " O Lord, pity me, for a wicked auld woman ! It's a sair dispensation, tliis Soumin and Roumin." Soumin and Roumin, etc. In vain did the writer lad promise success — Speak of Interim Decrees and final redress ; In vain did he tell her that judgment was comin' — "It's a judgment already, this Soumin and Roumin !" Soumin and Roumin, etc. The doctor was sent for — but what could he say ? He allowed the complaint to be out o' his way ; The priest spak' o' Job — said to suffer was human ; But she said, "Job kent naething o' Soumin and Roumin." Soumin and Roumin, etc. Soumin and Houmin, ^^^ The priest tried to pray, and the priest tried to read, But she wadna attend to ae word that he said ; She made a bad end for sae cjaid an auld woman — Her death-rattle sounded like"Soumin and Rou- miu.'' Soumiu and Eoumin, etc. I'm executor — heir-male — o' line — an' j^ro vision — An' the writer lad says that he'll manage the seisin ; But of a' the estate, there's naething forthcomiu', But a guid-gangin' process o' Soumin and Roumin. Soumin and Roumin, etc. 192 Ballads of the Briefless, BALLADS OF THE BRIEFLESS. THE RULE TO COMPUTE. O, TELL me not of empires grand, Of proud dominion wide and far, Of those who sway the fertile hind Where melons three for twopence are. To rule like this I ne'er aspire ; Li fact, my book it would not suit ! The only rule that I desire, Is a Tide nisi to compute. O, s}3eak not of the calm delights, That in the fields or lanes we Avin; The field and lane that me invites Is Chancery or Lincoln's Inn. Yes, there in some remote recess At eve, I practice on my flute, Till some attorney comes to bless With a ride nisi to compute. SIGNING A PLEA. O, now oft when alone at the close of the day I've sat in that Court where the fig-tree don't gi*ow, Ballads of the Briefless. 193 And wonder'd how I, without money, should pay The little account to my laundress below ! And when I liave heard a quick step on the stair, I've thought which of twenty rich duns it could be, I have rushed to the door in a fit of despair, And — received ten and sixpence for signing a plea. Chorus. — Signing a plea, signing a plea ! Received ten and sixpence for signing a plea. They may talk as they will of the pleasure that's found, When venting in verse our despondence and grief ; But the pen of the poet was ne'er, I'll be bound, Half so pleasantly used as in signing a brief. In soft declarations, though rapture may lie. If the maid to appear to your suit willing be. But ah! I could write till my inkstand was dry, And die in the act — yes — of signing a plea. Chorus. — Signing a plea, signing a plea ! Die in the act — yes — of signing a plea. 17 194 A 3Iisjoincler. A MISJOTXDER. O THAT some genius would write a report Of the things that are done in this dignified Court, Where pigs, men, and horses, and other lean cattle With their lawyers all drawn up in order of battle. Are gathered together in great agitation, To end their contention in fierce litigation ! First, cometh Judge Robbins, in debt and in trover A misjoinder in pleading too bad to pass over; But, after demurring and wrangling like fury, The Court took the pleadings — the counsel a jury. The witnesses came, and proved that one Hanks Had lately been guilty of barbarous pranks, In this, that without conscience or twinge of remorse, He took uj) a gentleman's city-bred horse, And put him to plowing like any old hack; He " cussed " him, he flogged him, made sores on his back ; He starved him so badly, " inverted the blessings," And gave the old horse such a number of dressings, That when Mr. Taylor, the lawyer, had found him. The buGfs and the buzzards had o-athered around him. The evidence through — the lawyers are pitted. The speeches, arc made, and the case is submitted — A Misjomder. 195 The jury retire — the verdict soon follows, That Hanks shall pay Robbins full twenty round dollars ; But the Court, in the j^leadings detecting a flaw, Administers Justice according to law^ By ordering these litigant sons of Belial To mend up their jjleadings and take a new triaL 196 The Orderly Parts of Pleading, THE ORDERLY PARTS OF PLEADING. A DECLARATION Oil the plaintiff's part Is first in course, with this the pleadings start. The next in order comes defendant's jylea y Should 2)laintiff to the plea reply, 'twill be His replication^ as you'll plainly see. Pcjoindcr follows, if defendant plead^ The plaintiff 's siir rejoinder then may lead, Pehutter still defendant may insist ; The sur rebutter closes up the list. No further pleas on either side are brought. The ne plus tdtra has been found not sought. Just seven links make up this legal chain ; The last link reached, to seek for more were vain. The real issue must be somewhere found, To which contending parties may be bound ! This issue must be one o^laio ov fact ; It must be single, this the rules exact, Also certain and material, too — For if upon a clear and fair review The requisites are not all clearly found, The issue reached will be declared unsound. These brief and simple rules here introduced Will tend to show how issues are produced. The Orderly Paris of Pleading, l'^7 The first is this: that after plaintiff 's ^:)^ea, Or declaration^ it should rather be, The parties must at each successive stage Demur ov filead^ and thus their battle wage By way of traverse^ or they may instead In confession and avoidaoice plead. The substance of rule second seems to be, That when a traverse is a party's plea, Issue must be tendered then and there / The rule's imperative and plainly fair. Lastly : an issue tendered well must be Accepted. The law permits no further plea. Were this not so, the matter in dispute Could not appear, and bootless then the suit; Juries would be a farce, and courts a form, And pleading of its only province shorn. . Pleading is based on logic, that is clear ; And he the best logician will appear Who can for all its many rules supply A reason, or, in other words, the why. For earnest students there's a royal road To legal lore, which leads beyond the '• code," Stretching far on to where a temple stands, Whose towering heights the law's broad field com- mands. This stately temple, reached in ages j^ast. Is firm, compact, and of proportions vast. 198 The Orderly Part of Pleading. By slow degrees the massive structure sjrew ; Its workmen wrought with vigor ever new ; Age follows age, and still the work goes on ; Art, learning, genius, all their stores were drawn, And yet this monument to legal lore, To LAW and lawyers sacred evermore, Stood forth complete; 'tis now the scholar's pride, The law's delight, the pleader's ordy guide. But I digress, digression here must end, Or leave will not be granted to amend; Nor yet be aided after verdict given ; So then right here I'll ask to be forgiven, Or ])lead to all not strictly legal matter, TJtile per inutile non vitiatur. Jari) Trial in the Days of Edioard I. 199 JURY TRIAL l^ THE DAYS OF EDWARD I. 'Tis forty pennies that yon ask, a ransom fine for me ; And twenty more, 'tis but a score, for my lord sher- iff's fee : Else of his deepest dungeon the darkness I mu-it dree ; Is this of justice, masters? — Behold my case and see. For this I'll to the greenwood — to the pleasant shade away ; There evil none of law doth wonne, nor harmful perjury. I'll to the wood, the pleasant wood, where freely flies the jay; And, without fail, the nightingale is chanting of her lay. But for that cursed doz-^Ji, God show them small pitie ; Among their lying voices they have indicted me. Of wicked robberies and other felonie, That I dare no more, as heretofore, among my friends to be. 200 Jury Trial in the Days of Edward I. Id i^eace a,ud war my service my Lord, the King, hatli ta'en, 111 Flanders and in Scotland, and Gascoyne liis domain ; But now I'll never, well I wis, be mounted man again. To pleasure such a man as this I've spent much time in vain. But if these ciw^o,^ jurors do not amend them so, That I to my own country may freely ride and go, The head that I can come at shall jump when I've my blow, Their menacings, and all such things, then to the winds I'll throw. All ye who are indicted, I pray you come to me. To the greenwood, the pleasant wood, where's nei- ther suit nor plea; But only the wild creatures, and many a spreading tree ; For there's little in the common law but doubt and misery. If meeting a companion, I show my archery, My neighbor will be saying, "He's of some com^ pany— Jury Trial in the Days of Edward L 201 He goes to cage liini in the wood, and worke his old foleye " ; For men will hunt me like the boar, and life's no life for me. If I should seem more cunning about the law than they, " Ha ! ha ! some old conspirator, well trained in tricks," they'll say ; wheresoe'er doth ride the Eyre, I must keep well away : — Such neighborhood I hold not good, shame fall on such I pray. 1 pray you all, good people, to say for me a prayer, That I in peace may once again to my own land repair : I never was a homicide, not with my will, I swear, Nor robber. Christian folk to spoil, that on their way did fare. This rhyme was made within the wood, beneath a broad bay-tree ; There singeth merle and nightingale, and falcon soareth free. I wrote the skin, because within was much sore memory. And here I fling it by the wood, that found my rhyme may be. 202 The Pet of the Pyriiish Jury. THE PET OF THE BRITISH JURY. To Trial by Jury Britons owe The lia])piness of being free ; 'Tis called, because the fact is so. Palladium of our liberty. A jury is the wisest plan, Whenever folks each other sue, That ever was devised by man For rendering unto all their due. A British Jury knows no fear, Ko favour does it e'er display To Rank and Wealth, to Prince or Peer, Who try twelve upright souls to sway; Imi)artial both to rich and poor, To neither clasps disposed to bend. The British Jury evermore Is found the British Tradesman's friend. When for his bill — however large — An action he's compelled to bring, If British Jurors dock his charge, O, how extremely rare a thing ! From an expensive minor's sire, Or an indebted lady's mate, The Pet of the British Jury. 203 Of any sum he may require, How seldom will they aught abate I Should any asred trifler break Plis infant dau2;hter's tender heart By breach of promise — don't they make The toothless old deceiver smart ! The Juryman and Father feels The Tradesman's and the Father's pain, The British Tradesman ne'er appeals To British Jurymen in vain. The other day a case occurred, Whereof the justice all must own, The Times contained a tale absurd, How that a tailor — name unknown— An army-clothier's agent — not Denoted even by a dash. Had out in the Crimea got Scored by the Provost-Marshal's lash. Although this story was a myth. To common vision very dim, There was a certain tailor. Smith, And his friends fixed it upon him ; An action 'gainst the Times he brought Upon these solid serious groundsj 204 The Pet of the British Jury. A British Jury gave him naught Less than just full four hundred pounds. Nine injured British Tailors, they Did, sure, in that one Tradesman see. And so condemned the Times to pay For damage done to three times three ; Then sing, Nine tailors make a man. And in a box there were twelve geese ; So of four hundred 2)ounds we can Make forty-four j^ounds odd apiece. d Digest of Lord 's Evidence. 2 Jo A DIGEST OF LORD 'S EVIDENCE DEFOEE THE KOYAL COMMISSION AS TO JUUY TRIALS. I. It may be dramatic, it doubtless is dear; But yet I most strongly assure ye, To assess what's to pay, to turn dark into clear, There's nothing like trial by jury. TL. A Judge may go wrong, I frequently do, Both in questions of law and of fact ; The counsel look black, and the agents look blue, But I hide my annoyance with tact. ni. When the Court overturns what on proof I have found. And the litigants get in a fury, It only confirms the view I propound, That the case should have gone to a jury. 18 206 Ught from an Umincnt S. S. C LIGHT FEO:\[ AN EMINENT S. S. C. "Ex noto fictum Carmen sequar." — Hok A TRIAL by jury I always have felt, 3Iight be done in a different way ; But counsel are flurried and agents are harried Through provincial employer's delay. Yet the evils are few, in fact, they are two, Where trial by jury is wrong: Ti;cre are witnesses brought, whether needed or not, And the evidence led is too long. To decrease this expense, which I thhik is immense, In a trial by jury or proof, I will mention a way the expense to defray, Which is certainly free from reproof. To the counsel I say, " See these witnesses^, they Are bad, or superfluous, chiefly ; But we'll lose the expense and give tliem offense, Unless you examine them briefly. 75 In the last of my proofs two counsel I fce'd, As I thought, if I only had one. He miofht not attend, but alas ! in the end I found mvselt' sittin'^r alone. Light from an Eminent S. S- O, 207 Tlio plan I suggest, when the motions arc culled, Such an evil as this to reform (For I seldom as yet any counsel could get Who had leisure liis work to perform), Is to hold that the Judge, by ajlctiojicrie. To chambers has suddenly fled ; And if counsel's not there, ]et the agent prepare, Or his clerk, to address him instead. When an ag^nt is paid for his work, it is said His client expects him to do it ; And I always have thought that the bar might be got To act on this rule, if they knew it. But I do not intend that a counsel should send His clerk to conduct a debate, And pocket the fee— to such cases, you see, The rule is not meant to relate. In the case of a fee, it is j^lain as can be, Th:it the maxim of law so well known, Qui facit per alhim facit per se, Is intended for agents alone. On the part of " our body " I wish to allow. Since employment we give to so few, More intelligent counsel, more able than now, We think that the bar never knew. 208 The Jury-Law Victim THE JURY-LAW VICTIM. DEDICATED TO THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Summoned to serve on a jury! O, I shall go to the bad ! Driven with distraction and fury, Ruin in prospect, stark mad. Dragged from the work that's my living, Other men's business to mind, I shall no thought have for giving Save to my own, left behind. Truly to try they may swear me. Off mine employment when torn ; Whilst mv anxieties tear me. What can I be but forsworn ? Counsel will vainly harangue me, Witness depose all in vain, Judge's charge — though he could hang me- Naught of my mind ^vill obtain. As for all criminal cases, I shall the prisoner acquit. Like a deaf man's while my place is; Give him the doubt's benefit. The Jury-Lam Victim. 209 And in all civil, as hearing Not either side what they say, I shall toss up, that ajopearing Nearest for me the right way. If you'd have j uries' attention Pay your confounded affairs, Press men by fortune, or pension. Freed from life's personal cares, Idle is all adjuration When the adjured are not free. So much fur the administration Of justice you'll get out of me! 210 Juror Number Six. JfJROR IS^UMBER SIX. And so you won Icr, do you, why the jury disagreed In that case of Thompson, tried at August court. For stealing Jones's marc — the one of thorougli breed — That took the eyes of all, and made them hanker for it. Well, I'll tell you how it was, for I was on the panel, Beintr number six as was called out by the clerk, And I thought, as in the box I went, that man'll Find that justice hunts out crime, however dark. Half a day they speeched and witnessed on the sub- ject, Proof was thin, I vow, but talk was over-thick, And old Thompson sat there, brazen-faced, in i)ub- lic, With a look of innocence that made me almost sick. Then for consultation out did march the jury. And eleven of them straigl.tway did decide Juror K miher Six. 211 Thompson is " not guilty," and broke out in a fury When with such a view I said I couldn't coin- cide. But they were very stubborn, though I tried each man, sir, To convince him of his error — so you see, Wlien the court again met for our answer We had none to give but that "we disagree." And now I'll tell you further — keep it very quiet — Thompson was not guilty, that is fair and square, For, you see, as being ratlier poor to buy it, Juror Xumber Six, it was, sir, stole old Jones's mare. '^*12 Songs of the Circuit. SONGS OF THE CIRCUIT. THE HOME. Feom Circuit to Circuit although we may roam, Bo it ever so briefless, there's none like the Home ; A fee from the skies perhaps may follow us there, Which, seek through the Courts, is ne'er met with elsewhere. Home, Home, sweet sweet Home, There's none of the Circuits can equal the Home. When out on the Home, lodgings tempt you in vain, The railroad brings you back to your chambers again ; On the Home the expenses for posting are t-mall ; Give me that — 'tis the Circuit, the cheapest of all. Home, Home, sweet, sweet Home, There's none of the Circuits can equal the Home. The, Mississippi Witness, 213 THE MISSISSIPPI wit:n'ess. YoAH HoxAii, an' de Juky : Ef you'll listen, now, to me, I's gwine to straighten up dis case jes like it ought to be; Dis lieah's a case ob stealing' hogs — a mighty ser'ous 'fense — An' you'll kno\y all about it, when I gibs my ebby- dence. Dis Peter Jones, de plainter, is a member ob de chuc'h, But Thomas Green, de fender, goodness knows he's nuflin much — A lazy, triflin' nigger is dat berry Thomas Green — Dese is de difrent parties you is called to jedge atween Now, gib me stric' contention while I 'lucidates de fac' : Dere's two whole sides to cberyting — de front one an' de back. What's dat de little lawyer say? To talk about de case? Dat's jus what I wuz comin' to; you makes me lose de place. 214 The Mississippi Witrtess, Whar wuz I? O, I 'members; I wuz jes about to say, I lieerd a disputation 'bout a p'iut of law, to- day- Bout bow to tarn State's ebbydence — dat's wliat dey's dribin' at — Kow ain't it strange some niggers is so ignorant as dat? Why, when you wants to turn it, you jes has to come to town, An' fin' de Deestric Turner — ^he'll be some whar loafin' 'roun' — An' den sez you, " Mahs Turner, sah, I zires my compliments; I's come in town to see you, for to turn State's eb- bydence." As soon's you tells him dat, he knows perzackly what you mean. An' takes you to his office, where he's got a big mersheen. An' dar you catches hoi' de crank, an' den you turns away, Untell at las' dar's somefin' clicks, an' den you's come to A. The Mississippi Witness. 215 "Is dat de letter ob de thing de feller done?" says he ; Ef you says no, you turns agin untell you comes to B; An' so you keeps a-turnin', tell de right one gits aroun', An' dar de Deestric Turner looks, an' dar de law is foun*. An' den you gibs de fac's, an' den he reads de law to you, An' axes you to 'vise him what you think he ought to do; An' den he say, " Good mornin'," an' he gibs you fifty cents, An' dat's de way you has to do to turn State's eb- bydence. Well, gemmen of de jury, dis heah case is under- stood, I doesn't Tcnow de hog wuz stole, but Peter's word is good — He up an'sesso manfully, dout makin' any bones ; An' darfore, sahs, if I wuz you, I think I'd 'cide for Jones. 210 The Demise of Doe and Moe. TIIE DEMISE OF DOE AIsTD ROE. (Obiemnt July 15, 1852.) In Westminster Hall it is darkness all, And solemn the strokes of midnight fall From out the neighboring Abbey tower ; The echoes call; from roof and wall, And i^ass the record of the hour. The first has died, the last replied, That 'twixt the far roof ribs doth hide, And midnight hath been signalled round, When the Court doors wide, on the western side, Fly open all, without a sound. From each doth troop a shadowy group Of forms that 'neath a burden stoop — A heavy burden like a bier ; Mournfully their heads they droop. Their sobs and sighs are plain to hear. Doleful and drear about the bier, Whereon two shrouded forms appear, Laid out like corpses, side by side: Ko corj)ses, though, for lo ! they rear Two grizzly heads, all hollow-eyed 1 The Demise of Doe and Hoe. 217 Heavy as lead, from each bier-bed, Is lifted up a stricken head. But hold ! methinks those heads I know — Law-bred, law-fed, but now nigh sped — It is John Doe and Richaed Roe ! "Well I know them; naught I owe them ; Oft, in an ejectment (blow them !), Roe I have cursed and Doe have demmed ; Law that made doth now o'erthrow them, And now to die they are condemned. Xow, erecter, grisley spectre, Roe, the casual ejector. Sadly sits up and strives to speak ; Doe, that once stormed like a Hector, Bears to his comrade burden meek : *' Legal fictions, our afflictions Should to you be as predictions To tell your quickly coming fate ; .Kew reforms and fresh restrictions Are gathering all about law's gate, *'Yc are many, yet not any Brought the lawyers such a penny As we great fictions used to do ; 19 218 The Demise of Doe and Hoe. Never cats of famed Kilkenny Such battles fought as did we two. " The great glory of our story, On the page of year-books hoary, In old black-letter may be read; Gallant were our fights and gory, For in the j^urse our victims bled. " In the nation's declarations We have ruled for generations ; Still at our will, unjust or just, \Ye flung the proud from their high stations, "We raised the lowly from their dust. " Although w^e were not things, but names. All in our keeping left their claims, Insj)ired with reverent awe. Deaf to men's j^raises or their blam.es. We sat — lies throned on law. "Till the bold ways of these new days Dared question of our use to raise, And insolently sought to know If justice must walk in a maze, Led by the ghosts of Doe and Roe? The Demise of Doe and Roe. 219 "Still bolder grew the impious crew, And more and more the veil withdrew That hangs before the shrine of law ; And though we stood revealed to view, Stoutly declared they nothing saw. " Reckless they swore they would no more Be dupes of fictions, as of yore ; And on this frivolous pretence, Into the cave of legal lore Let the coarse light of common sense. "Our sand is run — our reign is done, The accursed light we may not shun, We sink beneath its fatal ray ; You, minor fictions, every one, Before it soon must melt away. '' With Doe and me soon men will see Poor formal color in a plea ; And you, ye Common Courts, also ; You, forms of action, soon will be, Where Doe and I are going to. "Rules to Compute, you'll soon be mute- Special demurrers, keen and 'cute, Your quibbles will not save you long ; 220 The Demise of Doe and Roe. Ton, too, Yeniros, branch and root, Will fall before the reckless throng. '* In this last hour, with prophet power, I see as one sees from a tower, Law, shorn and shaved, and short, Driven from her ancient state, to lower In cheap and nasty County Court. " Gone pleaders' sleight to j^rove wrong right ; Gone subtle forms to make black white ; Gone every quibble, quiddit, quirk, All that make suitors' purses light, And all that found the lawyers work. " To end doth draw the reign of Law ; Merits shall win, despite of flaw, Whether in j^rocess or in plea — Justice comes in, rude, coarse, and raw, And so, friends, out go we ! " The Circuiteer'^ s Lament. '>^-l THE CIRCUITEER'S LAMENT. Ae morning near the dawning, I saw a counsel yawning, And heard liim. say in accents that were onythmg but gay. As saclly he was grinding at a meikle multiplepoin- diug ; The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. Nae processions, uae pageants, nae pawky country agents, ISTae macers, nae trumpeters, wi' tipsy blare and bray, Nae councillor or bailiCj or j^rovost smiling gayly ; The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. Nae lunny cross-examining, nae jurymen begam- moning, Nae laughter from the audience, nae gallery's hurrah, Nae fleeching for acquittal, though you don't care a spittle ; The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. 222 The Circuiteer's Lament. Nae playing hocus-pocus with the tempus and the Nae pleas in mitigation (a kittle job are tliey), Nae bonnj rapes and reivings, nae forgeries and thieviogs ; The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. Nae banter frae Lord D s, nae promises of fees That never will be paid afore the Judgment Day, Nae lies dubbed "information," from the warst rogues in the nation ; The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. Nae haveral "wutty" witness disi)laying his unfit- ness To see some sma' distinction 'tween a trial and a play ; Nae witness primed at lunch wi' perjuries and punch; The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. Nae laughing-gas orations, nae treading on the patience Of judges and of juries, wlio let you say your say, Yet pay but sma' attention to the gems of your in- vention ; Tlie days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. The Circiiitecr's Lament. 22t) Nae mair delightful wondering, at a new man bland- ly blundering, Nae kind hints from the Court that he's ganging far astray ; Nae flowery depictions, in the teeth of ten convic- tions, The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. Nae whacking ten years' sentence, wi' advices to repentance. And learn in years of leisure to admire " the law's delay," Nae fell female fury, blackguarding judge and jury ; The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. Nae grey auld woman sobbing, nae mair ye'll catcli her robbing, And a' the Christian virtues lienceforth she will disjolay, If the judge will but have mercy (for the sixteenth time I dare say) ; The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. Nae dinners with the judges, nae drooning a' your grudges, In deep, deep draughts of claret, and a' your senses tae; 224 The Circuiteer^s Lament. iN'ae chatter wise or witty on ticklish points of dittay ; The clays o' my Circuits are a' fled away. Nae high jinks after dinner wi' ony madcap sinner, Nae drinking whisky toddy, until the break of Kae speeches till a hiccup compels a sudden f tick-up ; The nichts o' my Circuits are a' fled away. A Case of Libel. 225 A CASE OF LIBEL. *'The greater the truth, the worse the libel." A CERTAIN sprite, who dwells below, ('Twere a libel, perhaps, to mention where,) Came up, incof/., some years ago, To try, for a change, the London air. So well he look'd and dress' d and talk'd, And hid his tail and horns so handy, You'd hardly have known him, as he walked, From C***e or any other dandy. (His horns, it seems, are made t' unscrew ; So he has but to take them out of the socket, And — just as some fine husbands do — Conveniently clap them into his pocket.) In short, he look'd extremely natty, And ev'n contriv'd— tohisown great wonder- By dint of sundry scents from Gattie, To keej) the sulphurous liogo under. And so my gentleman hoof'd about. Unknown to all but a chosen few, At White's and Crockford's, where, no doubt, He had many^:>os^ ohiU falling due. 22 G A Case of Libel. Alike a gamester and a wit, At nioht lie was seen with Cmckford's crew, At morn with learned dames would sit, So pass'd his time 'twixt black and blue. Some wished to make him an M P., But finding Wilks was also one, he Swore, in a rage, he'd be d d if he Would ever sit in one house with Johnny. At length, as secrets travel fast, And devils, whether he or she. Are sure to be found out at last. The affair got wind most rapidly. The Press, the impartial Press, that snubs Alike a fiend's or an angel's capers — Miss Paton's soon as Beelzebub's — Fired off a squib in the morning 2)a2:>ers ; " AYe warn good men to keep aloof From a grim old dandy seen about, With a fire-proof wig, and a cloven hoof Through a neat-cut Hoby smoking out." Kow, the Devil being a gentleman, Who ])iques himself on well-bred dealings, A Case of Libel. "227 You may guess, when o'er these lines he ran, How much thev hurt and shock'd his feelinors. xXway he posts to a man of law, And O, 'twould make you laugh to 've seen 'em. As ])aw shook hand, and hand shook j^aw, And 'twas " hail, good fellow, well met," between 'em. Straight an indictment was preferr'd, And much the Devil enjoy'd the jest, When, asking about the Bench, he heard That of all the Judges his own was Best.i In vain defendant proffer'd proof, That plaintiff's self was the Father of Evil, Brought Hoby forth, to swear to the hoof. And Stultz to speak to the tail of the Devil. The jury (saints all snug and rich, And readers of virtuous Sunday papers) Found for the plaintiff — on hearing which The Devil gave one of his loftiest capers. For O, 'twas nuts to the Father of Lies (As this Avily fiend is named in the Bible), To find it settled, by laws so w4se. That the greater the truth, the worse the libel ! 228 Report of an Adjudge d Case. REPORT OF AN ADJUDGED CASE, NOT TO BE FOUXD IN ANY OF THE BOOKS. Between Nose and Eyes a strange contest arose, The spectacles set them unhappily wrong ; The point in dispute was, as all the world knows, To which the said spectacles ought to belong. So Tongue was the lawyer, and argued the cause With a great deal of skill, and a wig full of learn- ing; While Chief Baron Ear sat to balance the laws, So famed for his talent of nicely discerning. In behalf of the Nose, it will quickly appear. And your lordship, he said, will undoubtedly find, That the nose has had spectacles always in wear, Which amounts to possession time out of mind. Then holding the spectacles up to the Court, Your lordship observes they are made with a straddle As wide as the bridge of the nose is ; in short. Designed to sit close to it, just like a saddle. Report of an Adjudged Case. 229 Again: would your lordship a moment suppose ('Tls a case that has happen'd, and may be again) That the visage or countenance had not a Nose, Pray who would, or who could, wear spectacles then? On the whole, it appears, and my argument shows, With a reasoninor the Court will never condemn. That the spectacles plainly were made for the ISTose, And the Nose was as plainly intended for them. Then shifting his side (as a lawyer knows how), Pie pleaded again in behalf of the Eyes ; But what were his arguments fevv people know. For the Court did not think they were equally wise. So his lordship decreed, with a grave, solemn tone. Decisive and clear, without one if or but, That whenever the Nose put his spectacles on, By daylight or candle-light. Eyes must be shut ! 20 230 Hat vs. Wir/. HAT V^. WIG. " Metus omnes et inexorabile fatum Subjecit pedibus, strepitumque Acherontis rivari." 'TwixT Eldon's Hat and Eldon's Wi Now speaks the judge, in accents loud and clear, Whilst not anotlier sound disturbs the list'ning ear. " I'll not detain ihe jury long ; The counsel is both right and wrong. If any ill the wife hath done, The man is fin'd — for they are one ; If any crime the man doth do, Still he is fin'd — for they are two; The rule is hard, it is confessed, It can't be helped — lex ita est^ 'Let the passage be cleared." The crowd disappear'd. "Now call me t'^e chief of the bailiffs here; Sheriff, let it be thy care. That this jury do not see Food or drink 'till they agree ; (Woe to thee, if but one word From other lips by them is heard.) Be it thine especial charge That they go no more at large Until they notify to thee That in this matter they agree. Go, if thou abuse thy power. Thy fate is fix'd this very hour ! " ::'4G L'lio of Husband and Wife, 'Tis ten ; Once more I sought that hall, The judge look'd cross — the bailiffs crabbed, The clerk and sheriff almost rabid, For why ? They had not slept at all : And he, the chief of the bailiffs there. Who had taken the jury under his care, Look'd thirsty and vex'd as a wounded bear. O, if the mother, that man that bore Had seen him there at that jury door, She never had known her offspring more. What sound comes forth from the jury room, Is it a curse. Or something worse. Or some poor devil bewailing his doom ; Or can it be the fearful cry Of hungry juror's agony ? 'Tis whisper'd around, That no verdict is found, That the jury in vain have sought to agree. That some think her as much to blame as he, And both to blame exceedingly. I came away. Thro' that justice door, JLaw of Husband and Wife. 247 I've never seen Day, From that time more ; I would not be willing to say or swear, That those bailiffs and jurors are not still there; But this I can tell, For I know it fall well, That when last thro' that justice hall I pass'd, The jury their food and drink were missing, While the made-up pair were feasting and kissing.^ MOEAL AXD SEQUEL. Jove laughs at lovers' vows and shame, And men had better do the same.^ 248 Cooper vs. Bloodgood, COOPER F.^. BLOODGOOD. 32 N". J. Eq. 209. Cooper foreclosed a mortgage made by Bloodgood upon land, A part whereof was river bank^ and part was tidal strand. Complainant's assignor conveyed, by deed of war- ranty And covenant, that he had full right to grant the same in fee. And make the title to extend to mean low-water mark ; And so such deed was drawn uj) by the scrivener or his clerk. This was infringing State domain, because, as you can see, The courts declared high-water line the limit of the fee; And when the time to answer came, why, the de- fendant, he Put into the complainant's bill a Strong protesting plea, Cooper vs. Bloodgood. 249 And said the title was not good, to such a part of that As was but water at high tide, at low tide a mud flat. He was an oyster fisherman, and bought the projDerty For purj^oses connected with that kind of fishery ; And he had made improvements there, and spent a lot of '' tin " In building slips and wharves to keep his boats and bivalves in. So as his grantor had conveyed the waters of the State, He was advised to go and see the man who was the great, Head-centre of " rii^rarian " rights, who told him that in law His lunar title was not worth an oyster shell or straw. Then he took out a lease, just as ]3rescribed by stat- ute rule. For w^hich he pays an annual rent, to help the pub- lic sehool : His lawyer told him not to pay the mortgage he had made. Without offsetting what he had for such improve- ments paid; 250 Cooper vs. Bloodgood. And so ho did decline to give complainant what seemed due Upon the bond and mortgage, marked Exhibits One and Two. Wherefore from hence to be dismissed, with costs, he now would pray. And be deceed in equity, to go without a day. Complainant urged defendant was an expert oyster- man. And well acquainted with the laws of rights ripari-an. Besides, he said, I have here now, and show you, worthy sirs, A license issued by the board of chosen freehold-ers, Being a document herein of vital pith and core. And by the master in this cause marked as Exhibit Four, Because it was a part of the conditions of the sale. And shows the tidal grant did not in any aspect fail ; It was besides an older grant than said riparian lease, And fi'om that lunar document knocked every spot of grease. From all of which, complainant says, it plainly now aj^pears Defendant had the right to build docks, wharves, and slips and piers. Cooper vs. £loocIc/ Joc7. 2')1 And having that, and knowing too just what he was about, He cannot plead his mother did not know that he was out, And ask relief to free him from the promise he had made, By entering a decree herein, the debt should not be paid. The Chancellor advisare vult^ and then he says, says he, Flaving considered, I adjudge, and order and decree, Because from license, lease, and facts, it does appear to me, The merits, law, and principle, justice, and equity Of this riparian, lunar case are with the mortgagee. And by assignment appertain unto his assignee. As vide same marked in this cause Exhibit No. Three ; Defendant was fumiliar with riparian tidal right, And knew 2^1'ecisely what he took with land her- maphrodite ; All which appearing very plain and free from any doubt. My judgment in the matter is — defendant must shell out. 252 Cooper vs. Ijloodgood. The lawyers got their costs, and the complainant got the land, And still a part is river bank, and part is tidal strand ; And standing on the bluff you see the sea at Sandy Hook Across the waters, out of which the oyster-fish are took. Hence oyster fisherman may learn this lesson from the rule, Don't take out a riparian lease, and don't be such a fool To pay an annual interest to State or public school. Until you are quite certain, and each surely re-mem-bers No license had been issued by the chosen fi'ee- holders ; For if you do the two will cost in rent and taxes double, And lease and license roll on you a tidal wave of trouble, Lawyers will get the oyster, and it will be mighty well If you get one, and t'other man the other oyster shell. Croft vs. JBoite. 253 CEAFT VS. BOITE. LoNDOX, to wit : Hereby complains One Joseph Craft, a clerk in orders, Of Joseph Boite, in custody Within the marshal's bounds and borders. For Craft, a worthy man is he; A loyal subject always reckoned, Both of the Lord King Charles the First, And of the Lord Kino: Charles the Second. o Unhurt, untouched, immaculate, A man renowned for godly labors, Good, honest, ^^ious, faithful, true, He had the love of all his neio-hbors. 'to' And eke by venerable folk Esteemed he was of good condition ; And as to theft and felony. Devoid of blame, above suspicion. Yea, more : great gains he daily had. And profits highly advantageous ; (Indeed, to slander such a man Would be appallingly outrageous.) 22 254 Craft vs. Boitc. Yet him contriving to defame, Though all the premises well knowing, Came Joseph Boite, this righteous clerk Into contempt in public throwing. Loud in the English tongue he spoke, With voice enough to raise a Quaker: " Saw'st ever such a thievish rogue As young Joe Craft, tho silver-taker ? " And then, with index-digit raised, " See there ! to my most certain knowledge He stole two hundred pounds of j)late — Did Joseph Craft from Wadham College ! " And once again in London town (The repetition sadly shocks one): "There never was a thievish rogue Like Joseph Craft, of Wadham, Oxon!" Whereas, the thing was false and feigned, A scandalous insinuation, Whereby the plaintiff is annoyed And injured in his reputation. And divers subjects of the king. Supposing him bereft of piety. I i Craft vs. JBoite. 205 Have now withdrawn, and more and more Withdraw themselves from his society. * TV tT Tt T? And now when Hilary is past, Tiie days of his imparlance endiug, To AYestminster came Joseph Boite, The wrong and injury defending. For since the words he spoke were all As true as any text in Bible, Because the plaintiff stole the plate, There could not be a civil libel. ****** And Craft, for replication, says Defendant spoke these words misleading Of his own wrong, without sucli cause As he (said Boite) alleged in pleading. What was the tale about the plate ? From first to last a fabrication. It was a scandal false and famed, A lie without the least foundation. ***** Within a month of Easter-tide, In ermined pomp, his rank befitting, The well-belov'd John Kelynge, Knight, Was in the chair of judgment sitting. 256 Craft vs. Doite. And now, in conscious justice, Craft "Was waiting for his credit's clearance; But wicked Boite, in solemn form Though thrice invoked, made no apj^earance. Wherefore the plaintiff soon was seen As proud and gay as Harry Percy, With damages and costs in pouch ; '< And the said Joseph Boite in mercy.'' PuiicfCs Law Reports. 257 PITCH'S LAW REPORTS. The Great Ham Case.— Regina v. Gallaks. The case it was this : There was tried at the Ses- sions A prisoner, guilty of clivers transgressions ; And wishing at last for a relishing cram, His career he had finished by stealing a ham. At the trial objection was made — that the joint Had been badly described — and reserved was the j)oint. For the prisoner : Hexxikee rose in his place, To contend the proceedings were bad on their face. He urged "that the article now in disj)ute Had been very likely a bit of a brute, An animal, /"c^rce naturm^ whose hocks Had been made into ham (see the Queen versus Cox), Where some eggs had been stolen, and there 'twas laid down, - The indictment was bad on the part of the Crown, Because of the eggs 'twas not plainly averr'd. Whether those of a crocodile, adder, or bird." Per Pollock, Chief Baron : " The question one begs. In refusing to recognize eggs, sir, as eggs; 258 Punches Law Reports . I'm convinced such objection cculcl never be made As to hold that an q^^ was improperly laid." Per Pattersox, Justice : " The point I see well, For the whole of the argument lies in the shell." But suppose with the eggs there had been an as- sault, Will you venture to tell us that justice must halt If the egg's undescribed ? On your law I can't flat- ter ye ; To call it an ^^^ is sufficient in battery." Per Platt, Puisne Baron : " Suppose, for a change, An epicure fancies a dish somewhat strange- And orders the ham of a fox or a rat, There'd then be a proj^erty surely in that ? " Me. Hexniker humbly submitted that dogs. Whom he ventured to couple, in this case, with hogs (He made no reflection, and wished not to pass axiy). Had become very recently subjects of larceny. Per Platt: " But the law, sir, had always its eye On a toad in the hole, or a dog in a pie." The learned Chief Baron conferred with the judges, Who declared the objection the j^oorest of fudges. The pris'ner's conviction accordingly stood ; The ham and indictment were both pronounced good. Lewis vs. State. 259 LEWIS VS. STATE. Syllabus. Law — Paio — Guilt — WilU "When upon tliy frame the hiw Places its majestic paw, Though in innocence or guilt, Thou art then required to wilt. STATEMENT OF CASE BY KEPORTER. This defendant, while at large, Was arrested on a charge Of burglarious intent, And direct to jail he went. But he somehow felt misused, And through prison walls he oozed. And in some unheard-of sha2De He effected his escape. Mark you, now : Again the law On defendant placed its paw, Like a hand of iron mail. And resocked him into jail — Which said jail, while so corralled, He by sockage, tenure held. 200 Leiois vs. State. Then the Court met, and they tried Lewis up and down each side, On the good old-fashioned lAnn ; But the jury cleared the man. ISTow, you think that this strange case Ends at just about this place. iVay, ?wt so. Again the law On defendant placed its paw. This time takes him round the cape For effecting an escape ; He, unable to give bail, Goes reluctantly to jail. Lewis, tried for this last act, Makes a special plea of fact : ''Wrongly did they me arrest, As my trial did attest. And while rightfully at large. Taken on a wrons^ful charixe I took back from them what thev From me wrongly took away." When this special plea was heard Thereupon the State demurred. The defendant then was pained When the Court was heard to sav. Lewis vs. State. 2G1 In a cold, impassive way, " The demurrer is sustained." Back to jail did Lewis go, But as liberty was dear. He appeals, and now is here To reverse the judge below. The opinion will contain All the statements that remain. AEGTIMENT AND BRIEF OF APPELLANT. As a matter, sir, of fact, Who was injured by our act, Any property, or man ? Point it out, sir, if you can. Can you seize us when at large. On a baseless, trumped-up charge; i And if we escape, then say It is crime to get away — When we rightfully regain'd What was wrongfully obtained ? Please — the — Court — sir, what is crime ? What is right, and what is wrong ? Is our freedom but a song, Or the subject of a rhyme? 2G2 Lewis vs. State. ARGUilEXT AND BEIEF OP ATTORNEY FOR THE STATE. When the State, that is to say. We take liberty away — "When the j^acUock and the hasp Leaves one helpless iu our grasp It's unlawful then that he Even dreams of liberty — Wicked dreams that may in time Grow and ripen into crime — Crime of dark and damning shape ; Then, if he perchance escape, Evermore remorse will roll O'er his shattered, sin-sick soul. Please — the — Court — sir, how can we, Manage people who get free ? REPLY OF appellant. Please— the — Court — sir, if it's siii^ Where does turpitude begin ? OPINION OF THE COURT. PER CURIAM. We — don't — make — law : we are bound To interpret it as found. Lewis 'OS. /State. 263 The defendant broke away : When arrested, he should stay. This aj^peal can't be maintained, For the record does not show Error in the Court below. And we nothing can infer. Let the judgment be sustained : All the justices concur. NOTE BY THE EEPOETEE. Of the Sheriff, rise and sing, " Glory to our earthly King ! " 264 Kulin et al. vs. Jewett. Receiver i KUim ET AL. VS. JEWETT, Receiver. 32 N. J. Eq. 647. The shades of night were falling fast. As o'er the Erie Railroad passed A locomotive, laden down With crude petroleum, near the town Of Paterson. A i^iercing shriek, a blinding flash, And then ati instantaneous crash — Two trains collided — down the banks The oil was emptied from the tanks Immediately. The oil igniting, sparkling, flowed Down the embankment, across the road, Into a bubbling brook that pours Its waters on the fertile shores Of the Passaic. The barn of the complainants stood Beside this unheroic flood. And thus the floating flames of fire Consumed it, and produced a dire Calamity. Kalin ct al. vs. Jewett, Receiver. ^2,Q>^ His Honor, the Yice-Chancellor, says That if a devastating blaze Is negligently started, still Defendant is responsible In damages. If no obstructions intervene, As a new agency, between ' The cause and its effect, as here ; This rule is singularly clear And logical. 23 2G6 CusJiing vs. Blcike. CUSIimG Fas'. BLAKE 29 N. J. Eq. 399; SO N. J. Eq. G89. Sir Makmaduke, about to wed, Some profitable lands conveyed In trust unto Antonio, To hold them for his sj^ouse's aid. To give unto her separate use Their issues and emoluments, Their profits, perquisites, proceeds, And all their revenue and rents. And for a further trust convey- To whomsoever she'd require. By writing in her life, or else By testament should she expire ; No disposition being made By writing or by testament. To go unto her heirs at law As per the statutes of descent. Sir Marmaduke was wed, but lo! The lady of his love declined, And died possessed of all her lands. But left a baby boy behind. Gushing vs. Blake. 267 Sir Marmaduke now filed a bill, And the Chancellor held, in his decree, The estate of Mrs. Marmaduke An equitable one in fee. The trust was executed, not A trust executory, so The rule in Shelley's case directs The manner that the lands shall go. And on appeal, the Court above Affirmed the Chancellor's decree, And so Sir Marmaduke obtained His equitable courtesy. 268 Commonwealth vs. McAfee. COMMONWEALTH VS. McAFEE. 108 Mass. 458. Hugh McAfee, of Boston town, Claimed, that, at common law, He had the right, when she was drunk, To beat his wife therefor. As a defense, he claimed it, Uj^on his trial day. And swore liis wife was insolent. And when he struck, he never meant To take her life away. Then out spake Reuben Chapman, Chief Justice of the Court : ''To every woman in this State Life may be long or short; But while I hold this office. No woman in this land Shall lawfully be beaten By her husband's brutal hand." Hugh McAfee, the husband, was Convicted of manslaughter ; And thus the everlasting right, To every wife and daughter, Opinion of the Justices, 2G9 By brave old Reuben Chapman's act, Was given en that day, To get drunk and be insolent, Free from a husband's sway. OPINION OF JUSTICES. lOG Mass. 604. Woman ! thy mission is to please : Not to be Justice of the Peace ; Content with what the laws allow. A school-committee woman thou ! 270 Luther vs. Worcester. LUTHER VS. WORCESTER. 97 Mass. 272. Ix Worcester, when the sun was low, Trodden in ridges lay the snow ; Across the walk he tried to sro. But fell, tho' walking carefully. Had Luther seen another sight. Of sidewalk smooth with ice that night. Without a ridge thereon, he might Have suffered, without remedy. The Court this plain distinction draw : " When ice and snow, by natural law, Are slippery found before your door, You fall — the town's not liable. " But when by man they're trodden down In ridges, or an icy crown, You, falling then, can sue the town, And get your heavy damages." The Lad frae Cockpen. 271 THE LAD FRAE COCKPE:Nr. 'TwAS a lad frae Cockpen ; he was proud and was great, His mind was ta'en up wi' the married estate, He had but ae wife, so he wanted anither, For he said his auld wife might be ahnost his mither. So he met wi' a lass, did this lad frae Cockpen, And what was his errand he soon let her ken ; The answer she gied it is easy to guess, She swithered a wee, and then she said, "Yes." This young Irish lass (she was Irish, ye see), To gie her due credit she swithered a wee ; It's a trick of the trade iust to tickle the men. It's a way they've in Ireland as weel as Cockpen. This new-married j^air dwelt in the Green Isle, And happy they lived there — at least for a while. Till the thing spunkit out — it's a way it has, then Who appears on the scene but the wife frae Cock- pen. 272 The Lad frae Cockpen. He was ta'en up and tried 'fore the wise Baron Deasy, And at first he took it remarkably aisy ; But he got his five years, and 'twas added that ten Would be little enough for this lad frae Cockpen. Then (of course) he was seized wi' a sudden remorse, Said, " I'd raither been tried by the Laird of Glen- corse " j And he sighed in his cell, where there's nae but and ben, ''I was daft to desert my auld wife in Cockpen." Kerr us. Kerr. 273 OWEN KERR VS. OWEN KERR. If the strife in this case is extremely perverse, 'Tis because 'tis between a couple of " Kerrs." Each Owen is owin' — but here lies the bother : To determine which Owen is owin' the other. Each Owen swears Owen to Owen is owin', And each alike certain, dog-matic, and knowin' ; But 'tis hoped that the jury will not be deterred From finding which "Kerr" the true debt has incurred ; Thus settling which Owen by owirl^ has failed, And that justice 'twixt curs has not been curtailed. 274 . Tuff vs. Warman, CONTRIBUTORY NEGLIGENCE. Tuff v. Warman, 5 C. B. K S. 573. IxGENUOUS student, who with curious eye Would trace the tang^ied threads of thoucrht that lie Involved in oracles of Tuff and Warman^ Hear, on that well-thumb'd text, a homely sermon. The text, though cumbered much with clause on clause. Reads fairly plain, till near an end it draws ; But at the end, through devious ways, we come To rule that gravels pleaders, all and some. Here "Wightman, Justice, tells us, in effect, Plaintiff stands none the worse of 's own neglect, If but Defendant, when default is made. Its consequences could with care evade. The canon at first blush reads all too wide, Unless a triple caution be supplied ; Which to supply, and point you out the ^vay, To fiud where wanted, here, in loyal lay, Contributory Negligence I sing, The rule of Law, and reason of the thing. Both are in fault: else — 'tis a simple story— The neofli^ence were not contributory. Tuff vs. Warman. 275 Then, either both have been in fault together, Or else the one's in fault before the other. If both together, neither bears the blame ; The wrongs concurrent, and the rights the same ; If fault of one, the other's fault precede ; He pays the penalty : unless, indee J, The other, bv some little common sense. Could shun that first misconduct's consequence.' Say, I lie drunk, a trespasser besides, On Marcus'' avenue ; and Marcus rides Or stumbles o'er me; still, first question is (Be it the broken bones are mine or his), Could Marcus^ by an ordinary care, Have shunned the danger, and so gone elsewhere ? If 2/6«, he pays me for ray hurt ; altho' I was in act the first to blame ; if 710, Since but for me he ne'er had been o'erthrown, I pay him for his hurt and bear my own. What, then, whene'er by night I walk or ride, Must I a link-boy or a scout provide, Lest Davies'' donkey in my patli should roll,! Or Forrester have left his l)uilding pole^ 1 Davies v. Mann, 10 "Si. & ^V. 546. 2 Butterfield v. Forrester, 11 East. GO. 27 G l^'^'^ff ^5' War man. To trip me up ? nay, Law was never heard To sanction charge of caution so absurd. I must not, if I'd not be brought to book, Run blind -man's muck, and leap before I look ; (Though some that leap'd and never looked, have found A verdict 'twixt the foot-board and the ground ;)3 But if with eye-sight such as blessed withal, I keep my head from contact with the wall By ordinary care, the law demands No weightier charge of caution at my hands. But say I'm blind ; or one of tender years, Insensible to age's prudent fears? Your case thereby nor better is nor worse. Your leader answers for you, or your nurse.4 Of these collateral moot-j^oints enough : Return we now to Warraan versus Tuff^ The judgment's truly neither less nor more Than, done in dogg'rel, is set down before ; — • One's first in fault ; then, could the other one That fault's effects hj commoji caution shun ? But there you stop; else, caught in Pleader's Pound. Each cries, Ta quoque! in an endless round. 3 Scott V. Dublin & Wicklow Ry. Co. 11 W. C. L. U. 377. 4 Lynch v. Nurdin, 4 P. & D. 672. Waite v. Nth. Lu. Ky. Gov. 1 El. B. & E. 719. Tuff vs. Warman. 211 As, say, that when, a log, in Marcus' way Ey Avant of ordinary care I lay, Marcus athwart me falling breaks his head. And brings his suit; if, in defense, 'tis said, ' You might have shunned me, had you used your eyes " ; And Marcus then with Wightman, J., replies, " And you shunned me/" the altercation tends To circular dispute that never ends.^ Or, say two runners, each a careless spark, Have clashed their heads together in the dark ; It lies not in the mouth of one to say, " Sir, you by caution could have kept away, And so I had not dashed and lost my tootli 'Gainst your os frontis^^ ; for the other youth With equal justice may in turn reply, " Nor had Z dashed 'gainst yours^ and lost my eye." For here the active fault of both concurr'd, And left to neither, in the law, a word> Or say two barges insecurely moor'd Drift in a stream, vvdtb neither crew on board ; Borne in an eddy of the wind or tide, The barques approach, and with a crash collide ; J/y planks stove in afford as little room For just complaint, as does your broken boom. For here the passive fault of both together Has shut the mouth of each against the other.T^ 24 ^ 278 T^iff vs. Warman. But two, each so in fault, will yield no more Predicaments of blame, but only four;^ And Wightman's canon, as above we see, Holds not of these, in categories three ; .Wherefore his " Plaintiff's non-disabling fault " Must needs be taken with three grains of salt. And limited to that one category. Where Plaintiff 's fault's the first contributory. As if, say last, when Marcus o'er me rode, Broad daylight had the present danger show'd, And I, as plaintiff, my crushed ribs had mourn'd Whereto " Tu quoqiie"" Marcus had returned. Then, in that case, but in that only one, May I reply as Wightman, J., has done, *• True, 'twas my first default that brought me there, But you, good Marcus^ could, with common care. Have shunned me where I lay, and in that state Of things, 'tis lawful to recriminate. ^ By Wightman's judgment, then, 'twas never meant That Plaintiff's negligence should not prevent Plaintiff 's success, in any of the three Firstly above-^ut cases : Wherefore, ye !„ , I Botli active.-^ Concurrent, } j^^^i^ passive.B ^ ( Plff. act.; dft. pass.c ]S on-concurrent, \ p^ff pass. : dft! act.^ Tuff vs. Warmcui. 279 Who scan that clause so oft misunderstood, Read, "If defendant by due caution could ( When Plaintiff has been first to hlame^ in fact) Have shunned the consequence of Phiintiff's act, The Plaintiff shall not thereby be undone." So shall the Law and Judgment be at one. 280 HopUns vs. W. P. 11 li, Co. HOPKINS VS. AY. P. R. It. CO. " Cacata cliarta." — Catullus. In" Stockton town did plaintiff bold A tract of land in fee. And on it, in a goodly house, Dwelt with his family. Thought he, " Though but to utter edge Doth run this lot of mino, Yet do I own the street unto The highway's middle line.'^ ^ So at his gate if idler stayed, Or small boy paused to scoff. Secure in his allodial rights. The ])laintiff warned them off. And when the shades of evening fell, With hose and spanner gay. He strode before his castle gate, And flooded all the way.^ 1 See sec. 1113, Civil Code; see also Waslibuva on Real Property, vol. iii. p. 420 et seq. ; also Washburn, Easements and Servitudes, p. 228. 2 The reader will note with i>leasure the deft manner in which the poet has set forth the customary seignorial acts done by the freeholder upon his land. Is there any right en- joyed by the average citizen with more zest than that of wet- Uophins vs. W. P. R. It. Co. 281 O, baj^py is that baron's soul Who liath both feme and home ! O, happy such abode where naught Of force or wrong may come ! Secure the proud freeholder sits, Seized as of his demesne — (At least, where'er the common law, As here, doth most obtain).-^ He knoweth joys that ne'er can know The poor, wayfaring man, Sojourning here and there in spots, 'ISTeath landlords' grievous ban — His lares ever packed in trunks, His journey never done ; But like ^neas — wretched fate ! — Forever " movino: on." ^ o ting down the street? The old privileges of haute et basso justice, cular/ivm, marchetum, etc., etc., as enjoyed by the no- blesse in old daj^s (see Droit du Seigneur), are nothing as com- pared to the modern luxury of turning the hose upon the arid highway. 1 It is needless to point out to the learned reader that every householdiug citizen in the United States is or ought to be a baron; although in California, out of delicate reverence to the departed glory of the Spanish sway, we might spell it varon. Of course every baron should have a castle. 2 If the poet here had in his mind the good old hymn — " No foot of land do I possess, No cottage hi this wilderness— A poor wayfarin;^ man "— he will be pardoned his evident plagiarism. 282 HoxjUns vs. W. P. JR. B. Co. So weened the plaintiff at his ease, As tlirough his grounds he walked, And with his sympathizing spouse Confidingly he talked. Alas ! But what is happiness ? 'Tis but a fleeting breath ; 'Tis, as the Grecian jurist said, Uncertain eke to death.-^ For lo ! A railway company — Fierce, ruthless men were they — Came like a scourge, condemning lands, Demanding right of way. And through the street by plaintiff 's liousc Their road-bed broad they laid. And ballast brought, and all along A steep embankment made.^ And that the winter rains might have * vSome proper aqueduct. Beneath their road a culvert there They skillfully construct. 1 1 It is proper here to claim Solon as a jurist, although he might be ranked as poet. 2 See sec. 428, Code Civil Procedure, sub. 4; sec. 4G5, Civil Code, sub. 3, 4; see also Southern Pac. R. R. Co. v. Raymond, 53 Cal. 22G. Hopkins vs. W. P. R. E. Co. 283 'Twas done : that liaunt of ancient peace Now quivers at the train; That once calm street re-echoes sounds That beat into the brain. The locomotive wheels along Like dragon fierce of yore, "While murky puffs of stifling smoke From out its nostrils pour. And ever in the gladsome night, Its shriek breaks sharply in. As though some Titan penance did For old chaotic sin. 'Twas such and many a grief beside The plaintiff suffered sore, As by his hearth-stone, ash-besprent, A burdened life he bore. If auorht couraoreous could avail His peace thus sadly vexed — But where to seek a remedy — 'Twas that his brain perplexed. For guileless heart the plaintiff had, Nor sought litigious fame, And ne'er the thought of writs or suits In his reflections came. 284 Hopkins vs. W. P. 11. R. Co. But writhing worms will turn, 'tis said, In the oppressor's track ; An added plume will sometimes break The laden camel's back. It thus befell : chance passers-by, Or loiterers on the line. That culvert cool did dedicate To Venus Cloacine. And often to the fras^rrant shrine CI? Did railway folks repair, And leave, at Nature's warning: call. Their casual offerino^s there.-^ And now that culvert, Avhence once quelled But pure pellucid streams, A poisoned den of rank disease. With noisome <»dors steams. And when fair Stockton's winds did rise And throuoh the culvert blow. i In what way the ancient Komans effected a dedication of a temple to Venus Cloacina, the poet refers his readers to classical sources. The force of ancient paganism and its habits may be said to survive among us in the readiness with wliich old mining tunnels and otlier deserted excavations are, throughout the mining districts of California and Xevada, consecrated promptly to Venus or Idalian Aphrodite, under her epithet of Cloacina. Hopkins vs. W. P. B. B, Co. 28.') The plaintiff found what potent power They had to work him woe. Then bursts his rage, long smothered, forth, Flames up each burning grudge, And lip he starts in direful heat To seek his District Judsje. ***** A panel struck — all neighbors kind — They piteous grant redress. When duly charged by Booker, J., His damage to assess. The plaintiff seeks his home content, A victor from the field. But finds, alas ! the strife renewed — The scoundrels have appealed ; In sooth, these corporations have The might of gold in hand, And of forensic bravos hold In pay a murd'rous band.^ ***** The TranscrijDt filed, the fees all paid, The cause came duly on; 1 The kindly critical reader may tbink this verse is bathos. He is right. 286 Hopkins vs. W. P. E. B. Co. 'Twas Budcl forth for respoudent stood, 'Gainst surly Sanderson. And now the bailiff opens court — Stilled is the vulgar hum, While through the door, in ordered file. Their Honors gravely come.^ Note Wallace, he of saintly mien, Mark Crockett's gleeful air, And Niles, whose pale and hollow cheeks Tell of his meager fare. Anon the fiery Rhodes trips in ; Behind him follows close McKinstry, he whose wrinkled brow Betrays judicial throes.^ The case is called, and Sanderson Pooh-poohs respondent's woes, And Budd rej^lies, and to and fro The tide of warfare flows. ***** Now doth the Court deliberate With many a hem and haw — 1 If the poet here drops into a dramatic style and a histori- cal present, it is because he is carried away by the How of rhythm. 2 The keenness with which the poet has hit off the salient characteristics of their Honors will be duly appreciated by the bar. HopJdns vs. W. P. R. R. Co. 287 Agreed at last — McKinstry, J., Expounds the nuisance law : ^'JVo?i constat that the company- All those rude men employed, Who in said culvert easements have Thus cozily enjoyed. And semble, when the employes Did 'neath the archway grope, Not all their movements sejant were In their employment's scope. " And too, it should be ranked among Mo^t clear-admitted facts, That such as must be corporal Can scarce be corporate acts. A corporation ever works Through its attorneys leal, Nor cravings purely physical Can it be deemed to feel. "'Tis whispered children are begot At times by proxies' means (Though to dispense with agents' aids The general custom leans). But who would blow another's nose, Or sneeze another's sneeze. 288 Hopkins vs. W. P. li. R. Go. Or do vicariously such acts As give our bodies ease ? *' So of our legal knot, in this The true solution lies : The trespassers were but engaged In privy enterprise. And since such easements scarce are deemed Rights incorporeal, 'Gainst each, for trespass, plaintiff might Have action several. " Of turbary and piscary, A common there may be, And in one action all be sued To reach a remedy ; But here, 'twould seem, th' offenders sought The culvert one by one. And had their musings, Crusoe-like, Unsocial and alone. *'So while the learned judge below We hold in high esteem. Erroneous, in this one case, His rulings we do deem. We therefore hold it to be law In this our curia. Hopkins vs. W. P. li. B. Co. 289 If plaintiff 's damaged, damned he is Absque injuria."*^ His Honor ceased : a wail of woe Burst from respondent's throat; He rushed abroad, and started home For Stockton by the boat. But where the Sacramento's floods Thy shores, San Pablo, lave. He leaped into the rushing tide To find a peaceful grave.^ And now, when trains through Stockton town Are passing in the night, A wraith is said to haunt the track, And vex the stoker's sight. And if unto that culvert now A hasty soul retreats, Before his frightened gaze a form Uncertain glares and fleets.^ 1 The neat way in which the poet has here imitated Virgil, in his address to lake Benacus, will be appreciated by every true Virgilian scholar : " Fluctibus et fremitu assurgens,Benace,marino." 2 We hope and believe that the estimable gentleman who figured as respondent in the above case is still alive, and en- joying existence where no railway corporation can trample on his rights. The poet has murdered him, only in accord ance with true rules of art, to bring in the tragic element which in actuality we trust he may never have any connec- tion with. 25 290 3P Vey vs. Hennigan. TEUX APER INSEQUITUE. Appeal— M'Yey v8. Hennigan. Tune— "Judy Callaghan." Theee lived, as I am toiild, In Stirling's noble city, Two Irish lads so bould, The subjec' av me ditty; They both had pigs galore, And styes to fence and screen 'em, And each possessed a boar, With only a hedge between 'em, Savs M'Vev— Darlint Mr. Hennigan, You must pay If your boar comes in again. Tony HeunifTjan's boar, Faix, he loved to wandher ; Divvel a wall or door Would kape him from his dandher. And mostly he would hie To Pat M'Yey's back garden, And grunt about the stye Where Pathrick's ])igs were barred in. M^ Yey vs. Hennigan. 291 Says M'Vey— Darlint Mr. Hennigan, Ton must pay If your boar comes in again. At last one day when Pat Was atin' av his dinner, His wife cried out, ''Ther's that Ould boar, as I'm a sinner. O Pat, rise up, make haste," And Pat obeyed her ordhers, And swore he'd drive the baste From out his garden bordhers. Says M'Vey— Darlint Mr. Hennigan, You must pay Now your boar's come in again. But Tony's boar, worse luck. He had a heart so darin', Bedad ! he run amuck At this bould son av Erin. So Pat was forced to fly, And moighty quick he went too, While Piggy from his thigh Tore out a small memento. 292 ISP Yey vs. Ilennigan. Says M'Vey— Darliot Mr. Hennigan, You must pay Now your boar's come in again. Then Pathrick to the Coort He dbragged the porker's masther, And swore that such a hurt Bank notes alone could plasther. The stye was insecure, The boar was most fherocious, And Tony's conduct, shure, Was blackgyard and athrocious. Says M'Vey— Darlint Mr. Hennigan, You must pay Now your boar's come in again. Me piggy has, says Tone, The swatest, best of naytures, And Pat, ye should have known The ways av them dumb craytures ; \ His timi^er's asily stirred. When takin' av his airin', Nor can he stand a worrd Av cursin' or av swearin' I 3P Vey vs. Hennigan. 293 Says M'Vey— Darlint Mr. Henuigan, You must 13 ay Now your boar's come m again. Upon the case there sat Two sheriffs, larnecl brothers, One gave his vote for Pat, And Tony got the other's. And so when months had passe