GIFT OF 
 
 A-/ 3 S 2- 
 
American Dramatists Series 
 
 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 A SATIRIC COMEDY 
 IN THREE ACTS 
 
 BY 
 
 HARRIET HOLMES HASLETT 
 
 Author of "Jack s Bluff," "Dolores of the Sierra 
 
 and Other One- Act Plays," "The Temptation 
 
 of Anne O Brien" and "Impulses" 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 RICHARD G. BADGER 
 
 THE GORHAM PRESS 
 
COPYRIGHT 1920, BY RICHARD G. BADGER 
 All Rights Reserved 
 
 Made in the United States of America 
 
 The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A. 
 
To 
 J. W. H. AND R. H. H. 
 
 OR ANY OTHER COUPLE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR 
 
PREFACE 
 
 Various well-known persons have given forth 
 epigrams on the subject of the stage, ranging all 
 the way from Euripides to Brander Matthews. 
 These are chiefly concerned with the theater and 
 the actor. Few have mentioned the dramatist, 
 yet back of all the author stands, armed with his 
 or her own beliefs and standards. 
 
 Personally I believe with Mazzini that the 
 drama is the meeting place of art and life. 
 
 Among the several forms of drama the satiric 
 is the least understood. Just why this is so I 
 know of no one who has vouchsafed an opinion. 
 It must be because human beings hate ridicule 
 directed against themselves. 
 
 According to the laws which should govern 
 true satire the satirist must be well grounded in 
 his subject before he presumes to ridicule. Then, 
 wherever they will, even into his own soul, his 
 satiric darts will fly, carrying inevitable truth on 
 their wings. 
 
 This comedy is hyphenated with satire as will 
 be perceived. In the guise of lightness I have 
 endeavored to present some of the realities, which 
 during this unusually restless period are apparent 
 in our everyday life. It may help us to live, not 
 with the "Professor" who vainly glimpses "fifty 
 
 3423 
 
6 PREFACE 
 
 years hence," but now, in the "today which will 
 never dawn again." 
 
 All about us truth abounds, not only, as the 
 proverb would have us believe, "at the bottom 
 of a well," but close to our vision, if we would 
 stretch out our hands and tear away the net 
 work of pretense enshrouding it. Under the sat 
 irized mistakes of today may be discovered the 
 livable truths of tomorrow 1 
 
 H. H. H. 
 
 Alameda, California 
 
TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
CHARACTERS 
 
 RODNEY FINLAYSON, an artist. 
 
 JANE, his wife. 
 
 EDWARD ALLEN, a business man. 
 
 BEATRICE, his wife. 
 
 TAD ALLEN, six years old. 
 
 MRS. PERRY. 
 
 ISABEL, her daughter; an art student. 
 
 SYDNEY PARKER, Isabel s fiance. 
 
 PROFESSOR STATICMULLER, a lecturer. 
 
 BONG, a Chinese cook. 
 
 SCENES 
 
 ACT I The living-room of the Finlaysons and 
 the Aliens. 
 
 ACT II Mrs. Perry s sitting-room. 
 ACT III Same as Act I. 
 
 PERIOD The present. 
 
TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE: The joint living-room of the FINLAYSONS 
 and the ALLENS. // is a large, comfortable 
 room, furnished partly as a studio, partly as a 
 sitting-room. The entrances are at center, 
 leading to the hall, and at left, leading to the 
 FINLAYSONS apartment. A stairway leads 
 from above into the entrance-hall. The din 
 ing-room is presumably at right of the stairs, 
 the street door at the left. A hat-stand is 
 visible near the foot of the stairs. 
 
 There is a mantel with mirror at R., a couch R. C. 
 and a heading table on which are a lamp and 
 books, periodicals, et cetera. Grouped about 
 are easy-chairs. 
 
 At L. there is a table on which are artists utensils. 
 On the walls are sketches and canvases. Models 
 are everywhere. There are two windows up 
 L. C. and L. RODNEY FINLAYSON S easel is 
 near the large window L. C., and a smaller 
 one for ISABEL is near the window L. A type 
 writer is near ISABEL S easel. Rugs are used 
 for the whole room, and there are several 
 small chairs. ISABEL S hat, coat, and purse are 
 on a chair near C. E. 
 
 At Curtain RODNEY FINLAYSON is discovered in 
 ii 
 
.13. 
 
 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 * front of his easel, painting. He is a slight, 
 rather dark-complexioned man, wearing, as the 
 distinctive feature of his costume, a black vel 
 vet studio jacket. 
 
 Having passed through various phases he has 
 Reached the stage of life when he is whimsically 
 expectant of each new event, and ready to give 
 all modern ideas a fair showing. 
 ISABEL is a pretty, fair-haired girl of twenty-two, 
 alert and capable, with a quick sense of humor. 
 She wears a tailored skirt and shirtwaist. She 
 is engaged in putting away her painting mate 
 rials near her own easel. The light is fading. 
 A fire is burning in the open grate R. 
 Finlayson (Glancing at the canvas on ISABEL S 
 easel) That s good a decided improvement. 
 Isabel I m so glad. I was getting discouraged. 
 Finlayson (Returning to his work) Never say 
 that ! Perseverance ! Have you finished for the 
 day? There is still a little light. 
 
 Isabel I want to write those letters for you be 
 fore I go. 
 
 Finlayson That s good of you, but I hate to 
 trouble you. 
 
 Isabel Why, you know I love to do it! (Tak 
 ing up some notes of a letter) Here s this one to 
 Mrs. Hamilton about that landscape, I ll copy it. 
 And what about that sitting of Mr er Profes 
 sor what is the man s name? 
 
 Finlayson Blest if I know! He s some freak 
 or another who wants me to perpetuate his mug on 
 canvas. My wife can tell you, she s always talk 
 ing about him. She got me the job er (whimsi- 
 
ACT I 13 
 
 cally) I mean the honor of the operation. I m 
 told it is an honor! 
 
 Isabel (Laughing) Very well, I ll write the 
 note now, and get the address later. Oh, I know 
 Staticmuller ! That s his name. (She sits at the 
 typewriter.) 
 
 Finlayson Staticmuller, yes, I believe it is. Some 
 sort of a culture bug, isn t he? What s his spe 
 cialty ? 
 
 Isabel I think he lectures on various new- 
 thought problems the management of husbands, 
 and so forth. 
 
 Finlayson Judging by his name he might be one 
 of those chaps who can tell you how many postage 
 stamps it would take to encircle the globe, or how 
 one can live comfortably on thirty-seven and a half 
 cents a week, using the half-cent for diversions ! 
 
 Isabel (Laughing) Especially if you re a wo 
 man ! 
 
 Finlayson (Laughing) Exactly! He s a brother 
 to the Miss Nancy who hoards up the cotton tags 
 off her laundry to make bedspreads. Choice cult! 
 
 Isabel Hal Ha! Ha! 
 
 Finlayson Isabel, your sense of humor always 
 exhilarates me. Do you know, you re a rare sort of 
 girl? 
 
 Isabel Why? Because I chortle over your 
 jokes? 
 
 Finlayson That s one reason, I suppose. You ll 
 never become an early victim to dyspepsia. 
 
 Isabel Not while you continue to exercise my 
 giggles. 
 
 Finlayson Well, let s get back to Staticmuller, 
 
i 4 TRIAL MARRIAGE / 
 
 whatever his vocation. Sufficient that my wife ad 
 mires him! {painting) You might say (dictating), 
 "I can give you your first sitting at three o clock on 
 Tuesday next. Those following can be arranged 
 later. Kindly let me hear as soon as possible if this 
 will be agreeable to you. Believe me, et cetera " 
 
 (ISABEL takes this in her note book, and copies 
 It on the machine. FINLAYSON glances up at the 
 window, draws aside the curtains and pulls up the 
 shade. During the preceding TAD ALLEN entefs 
 C. E. He comes in secretly, creeps to the couch 
 and places a small package on it. He is just the 
 impish, lovable sort of child who would be called 
 "TAD.") 
 
 Isabel (In a moment, noticing him) Hello, 
 Tad! What are you doing? 
 
 Tad (Standing up quickly) Has mama come 
 home yet? 
 
 Isabel No, not yet. 
 
 Tad I m hungry. 
 
 Finlayson (Laying aside his brush) So am I, 
 Tad ; now that you mention it. 
 
 Tad I wish she d come home! She and Aunt 
 Jane are always at their old meetings! 
 
 Isabel They ll soon be home now. 
 
 Tad (Confidentially, hanging over the back of 
 ISABEL S chair) Do you know what s today? 
 April Fools, that s what! 
 
 Isabel Gracious, so it is! I d forgotten all about 
 it. 
 
 Tad I didn t. I remembered! 
 
 Isabel Run away now, I m busy. Go and help 
 Bong get dinner. 
 
 Tad I did help him I know what s for dinner ; 
 
ACT I 15 
 
 apple pie! (He snatches ISABEL S purse from the 
 chair, unseen by her, and runs out ecstatically C. E.) 
 
 Finlayson (Painting again) It seems to me that 
 Beatrice leaves Tad altogether too much with that 
 heathen Chinee. 
 
 Isabel It has been rather frequent lately, but I 
 am supposed to look out for him a little when you 
 don t keep me too busy. 
 
 Finlayson Why should you play nursemaid for 
 Beatrice? 
 
 Isabel (Laughing) What a name to call a little 
 friendly help! 
 
 Finlayson You come here to paint pictures. 
 
 (TAD creeps back and works over the purse and 
 a thread. He places the purse on the floor near 
 C. E., holds the thread in his hand, and conceals 
 himself behind the portiere.) 
 
 Isabel To learn to paint pictures, you mean; 
 and to write a few letters for you. I wish you d 
 give me more of that sort of work. I feel that I 
 do so little to repay you for all these lessons you 
 are giving me. 
 
 Finlayson Nonsense ! Haven t I told you that 
 I didn t want to hear any more about that? 
 ( Throwing down his brush ) The light is gone. 
 
 (He turns on the electric bulb near ISABEL. She 
 continues typing while he draws down the shades, 
 and covers his canvas.) 
 
 (BoNG enters, C. E. He is the typical Chinese 
 servant of the west, with close-cropped, shining, 
 black hair; and is clothed in dark trousers and white 
 linen coat, and over all a large white apron of Chi 
 nese pattern, tied with tapes at the back. He stoops 
 to pick up the purse, TAD twitches the thread, the 
 
1 6 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 purse hops along, much to BONG S surprise. TAD 
 springs out, laughing and shouting.} 
 
 Tad April Fools ! April Fools ! 
 
 Bong (Grunting good-naturedly) Aw, what 
 mailer you? I kill you my big knife. 
 
 Tad (Dancing about) April Fools ! April 
 Fools ! 
 
 Finlayson See here, Tad Allen, cut that out! 
 (TAD subsides.) Those are street tricks. Gentle 
 men don t behave so in drawing-rooms. 
 
 (BoNG turns on the lights at R.) 
 
 Tad Not ever, ever? 
 
 Finlayson (Solemnly) Not ever, I assure you. 
 
 Tad Then I don t want to be a gemplum ; they 
 don t have no fun. 
 
 (He busies himself with the purse and thread, 
 placing the purse C. E.) 
 
 Bong (To ISABEL) Ladies no come home yet? 
 Isabel No, not yet, Bong. 
 
 (BoNG goes into the entrance hall and turns on 
 the lights, then exits R. TAD follows him. ISABEL 
 covers her machine and puts away papers.) 
 
 Finlayson (Looking at his watch) It is getting 
 late. You d better run along; I ll keep house. 
 
 Isabel I am staying a little later this afternoon 
 to see Mr. Allen. He said he would bring me a let 
 ter of recommendation for Sydney to the Carroll- 
 Seymour Company. It will mean so much to Syd 
 to get it ! 
 
 Finlayson Means something to you too, eh? 
 Isabel Yes. If Sydney obtains the position, he 
 and I can announce our engagement and be married 
 in the fall. 
 
 Finlayson What will Mrs. Perry say to that? 
 
ACT I 17 
 
 Isabel Poor mother! She is never very strong, 
 you know, and that is one reason why I have de 
 layed announcing our engagement. Sydney has been 
 very impatient; he can t understand it. But she is 
 feeling rather well just now, and if Syd gets this 
 position she will be willing. 
 
 Finlayson Then I suppose it will be all up with 
 this. (Indicating studio work] You women are 
 all alike confoundedly eager to run your heads 
 into the noose! 
 
 Isabel (Laughing} Well, you ran your head 
 into it, didn t you? 
 
 Finlayson Oh, Jane and I hit it off all right! 
 The rare times I see her I m rather fond of Jane. 
 We don t trouble each other much. 
 
 Isabel You and Mrs. Finlayson are my model 
 couple. 
 
 Finlayson (In affected horror) My benighted 
 girl ! What a standard ! 
 
 Isabel (Seriously) I like the way you take each 
 other for granted. 
 
 Finlayson There s really nothing like it. For 
 instance, Jane s sense of humor. She hasn t any, 
 you know, but I always take it for granted. 
 
 Isabel (Ruefully) Neither has Syd. I wish I 
 could take it for granted, but I can t; it s too far 
 fetched! 
 
 Finlayson In a case like that the only way to 
 do is to cultivate your own to the fullest extent. 
 That has been my plan right along. 
 
 Isabel Well, I think I ll try it. 
 
 Finlayson It would simply be a waste of genius, 
 if you didn t. Keep it up. In time you can t fail to 
 awaken Parker s. 
 
1 8 TRIAL MARRIAGE , 
 
 Isabel But you admit that you re not always 
 successful with Mrs. Finlayson. 
 
 Finlayson No, but I m always hoping. Some 
 times I think I detect a responsive gleam. The 
 turning point is bound to come some day. 
 
 Isabel (Smiling) Then I ll take your advice and 
 continue to chase a forlorn hope. Syd is so good! 
 
 Finlayson (Ruefully) So s Jane! Scandalously 
 so! (Both laugh.) 
 
 Tad (Running in C. E., jumping at ISABEL and 
 clinging to her) Say, Isabel, what s a apple-pie 
 bed? 
 
 Finlayson (Removing TAD forcibly) Really, 
 Tad, if you were my son ! 
 
 Tad I guess I like my own dad best! 
 
 Isabel Never mind, Tad, come here. I ll tell 
 you about an apple-pie bed. (Mysteriously) You 
 tie up all the sheets and the pillow-cases, you know, 
 
 and the night-clothes, and you put everything 
 
 (They sit on the couch and whisper together, laugh 
 ing.) 
 
 (EDWARD ALLEN enters hastily, C. E. He is of 
 medium complexion, rather tall, and heavily built; 
 an average type of the fairly prosperous business 
 man. He sees only the obvious in life; and when 
 affairs are going his way, this satisfies him.) 
 
 Allen Hello, everybody! Say, Beatrice, hurry 
 on dinner, will you? I promised Carroll why, 
 where is Bee? 
 
 Finlayson (Drawling) Oh, she and Jane are 
 out at some club meeting, learning what brutes you 
 and I are, and what they must do to tame us ! 
 
 Isabel Good-evening, Mr. Allen. 
 
ACT I 19 
 
 Tad {Springing into ALLEN S arms) Hello, 
 dad! 
 
 Allen How d ye do, Miss Perry. Pardon my 
 noise. Hello, Tad, you old rascal ! 
 
 Isabel I think Mrs. Allen and Mrs. Finlayson 
 went to the New Century Club this afternoon. 
 
 Tad Dad! I don t never, never want to be a 
 gemplum. 
 
 Allen No? You grieve me, son, you grieve me. 
 What s your reason? 
 
 Tad (Indicating FINLAYSON) Not the kind he 
 is anyway. Just a nice, noisy gemplum like you, 
 daddy! 
 
 Allen Humph! 
 
 Finlayson That lets me out. 
 
 Allen Here, you young fellow, you weigh a 
 ton. Run along. (TAD runs out C. E.) 
 
 Isabel (Putting on her hat) I must go. 
 
 Allen Wait a moment, Miss Perry; I have 
 something for you. (He takes a letter from his 
 pocket.) 
 
 Isabel Oh, Mr. Allen, you re so good ! 
 
 Finlayson You and I are getting uncomfortably 
 virtuous, Ned. My sprouting wings feel cramped 
 under this jacket. Excuse me while I change. Good 
 night, Isabel. (He goes out L.) 
 
 Isabel Good-night. Don t mind me! 
 
 Allen Here s the letter I promised you for Mr. 
 Parker to the Carroll-Seymour Company. ( They 
 sit on the couch, and he gives it to her. TAD, 
 anxious to see if they notice his package, creeps back 
 and hides behind them.) It is in a double envelope, 
 you see. I hope it will help. 
 
20 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Isabel A recommendation from you, Mr. Allen, 
 makes it practically certain. 
 
 Allen Carroll told me yesterday that he was 
 looking for just such a man. I don t think there 
 is much doubt but what Parker will make good. I 
 intended to phone him about the letter today, but it 
 slipped my mind. 
 
 Isabel Oh, no, no ! You would have spoilt 
 everything. It s a secret. I m keeping it for his 
 birthday tomorrow. 
 
 Allen Oh, ho! Then I m not to tell, eh? 
 
 Isabel (Laughing) No, indeed. It s a secret 
 between you and me. Thank you so much! You 
 have made me very happy. 
 
 (TAD peers around at them, listening intently. 
 ISABEL rises, TAD drops down again behind the 
 couch.) 
 
 Allen ^ (Cordially pressing her hand} Don t 
 mention it! Always glad to put in a word when I 
 can. 
 
 (BoNG enters C. E.) 
 
 Bong Ladies no come yet? 
 
 Isabel Not yet, Bong. You ll have to wait din 
 ner a little longer. 
 
 Tad (Coming around the couch, whining) I m 
 hungry ! 
 
 Bong (Grumbling) Aw, no good! Dinner all 
 spoil em. (He goes out.) 
 
 Allen Blank these women s clubs! I ve got a 
 directors meeting at the Indoor Yacht Club at 
 seven-thirty, and 
 
 Isabel (Slyly) And that is important! 
 
 Allen (Recovering himself) Oh, I guess we 
 men are selfish brutes ; but Tad and I are hungry ! 
 
ACT I 21 
 
 Let s get a new mama, Taddy one who is always 
 on the job to feed us, eh? 
 
 Tad (Shouting) Yes, I know who Isabel! 
 
 Isabel ( Confused) Tad ! 
 
 Allen (Laughing loudly) Look here, old man, 
 you d better not be so prompt. 
 
 Isabel I must go. (Hastily going for her jacket) 
 I wonder where my purse is. (TAD laughs.) 
 
 ( The front doorbell rings, BONG crosses C. E. to 
 answer.) 
 
 Tad I know where tis ! I know where tis ! 
 
 (SYDNEY PARKER enters. BONG crosses C. E. 
 again to dining-room R. PARKER is precisely the 
 type of "not good enough man" for a splendid girl 
 like ISABEL. He is rather handsome, and always 
 fashionably dressed. Bred in the conventional mold, 
 he has not the faintest idea that he is not good 
 enough for anybody. His egotism is wholly uncon 
 scious, the result of his perfectly correct upbring 
 ing.) 
 
 Isabel Oh, here s Syd ! 
 
 Parker I thought I might just catch you. (He 
 greets ALLEN and TAD, picks up the purse.) Hullo, 
 what s this? 
 
 Tad (Runs to him, laughing and shoutiny) 
 April Fools ! April Fools ! 
 
 Parker (Catches TAD in his arms) You rascal! 
 
 Isabel My purse ! Oh, you monkey ! 
 
 Parker It s a fine night to walk home, Isabel. 
 
 Isabel Good ! I need some air. 
 
 (ALLEN assists ISABEL with her jacket; she puts 
 the letter in her jacket pocket, with a meaning look 
 at him.) 
 
22 TRIAL MARRIAGE / 
 
 Tad (Whispering to PARKER) You mustn t ask 
 her about the secret. 
 
 Parker (Who has noticed the look between 
 ALLEN and ISABEL) What secret? 
 
 Tad Shuh ! / know. 
 
 Allen (Aside to ISABEL) That s between you 
 and me, eh? 
 
 Isabel (Beaming) Yes. Good-night! 
 
 Parker (Eyes ALLEN keenly) Good-night. (He 
 and ISABEL go out C. E.) 
 
 Tad (With a huge sigh) I think I like my own 
 mama best. 
 
 Allen Yes, Taddy; so do I. Now, you d bet 
 ter not say anything to mama about what we were 
 talking. She might feel bad. We men understand 
 these things, you know. 
 
 Tad Yes, we men does. (ALLEN approaches 
 the couch, TAD becomes anxious.) 
 
 (FiNLAYSON enters L. wearing a business suit.) 
 
 Finlayson Say, where s dinner? 
 
 Allen Where are the housewives who order din 
 ner? 
 
 Finlayson Oh, get in line, Ned! Order your 
 own dinner! 
 
 Allen (Crossly) Well, it makes me sore. Here 
 I ve got a meeting and Carroll (Going C. E.) 
 Bong! Oh, Bong! Put dinner on the table. We 
 won t wait any longer. 
 
 Bong (Off stage) Allight! 
 
 Allen It strikes me that these modern notions 
 are */m:idedly mixed. "Order dinner," yes ! That s 
 all very fine ; but when Bee and Jane register polit 
 ically to help make the laws to put us brute males 
 in our proper places, under what title do they 
 
ACT I 23 
 
 qualify? Housewives, Fin; housewives, do you 
 hear? 
 
 Finlayson (Lazily) Well, here s their house; 
 and they re wives, aren t they? I don t care much 
 when I get my food, as long as there s plenty of it 
 when it comes, eh, Tad? 
 
 Tad I m hungry! Come on, daddy! (Dragging 
 ALLEN toward C. E.) 
 
 Allen Wives ought to be just as busy providing 
 things for the inner man as husbands are providing 
 raiment for the outer woman. 
 
 Finlayson My dear Ned, don t you know that 
 when a woman and a tornado make up their minds 
 to go anywhere, nothing on earth can stop them ? 
 
 Allen I attend to my work during business 
 hours, I expect others to do the same. I come 
 home a little late thinking dinner will be ready so 
 I can get to a meeting. No dinner no wife no 
 anything ! 
 
 Finlayson As far as I can make out, the din 
 ner s here; so s the house. The only thing lacking 
 is the wife, exercising the same privilege of being 
 "a little late!" 
 
 Allen Well, the main reason we set up this joint 
 establishment was to economise time for them as 
 well as money. But they don t seem to have any 
 more time than they had before. 
 
 Finlayson Bromide! "Nobody has!" 
 
 Allen Oh, you re always siding with the women ! 
 Beatrice is forever holding you up to me as a pat 
 tern. You re "Johnny on the spot," right enough ! 
 
 Tad (Giving his father a series of jerks, saying 
 softly) I m hungry I m hungry! 
 
 Finlayson She flatters me. You see, we ve got 
 
24 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 to learn our proper places. It s hard on us, of 
 course. We re only "incidents," you know, in the 
 general scheme. What was it Jane told me I was 
 the other day? Professor Staticmuller told her. 
 A a a er a Visualised mental projection," I 
 believe it was. (Airily) You and I are just 
 thoughts, Ned, just thoughts! 
 
 Allen Oh, shut up ! (TAD is amazed.) 
 
 Finlayson That s the sort of gentleman you 
 want to be, eh, Tad? 
 
 (A Chinese dinner-gong sounds off-stage. The 
 two men go out C. E. toward R. TAD runs ahead 
 of them, shouting " Dinner! Dinner!"} 
 
 (Immediately the sound of lively chatter is heard 
 in the entrance hall. JANE FINLAYSON and BEA 
 TRICE ALLEN enter C. E. They are in becoming 
 street attire. MRS, FINLAYSON is serious, incon 
 sistent; but possessed of higher mentality than MRS. 
 ALLEN, whose mind is of a sort with her fluffy, fair 
 hair, which is never in order. JANE S hair is smooth 
 and dark, and her serious eyes make one wish to 
 awaken in them that "responsive gleam" of which 
 her husband spoke. They come to the center of the 
 room, completely absorbed in their discussion. They 
 talk rapidly and simultaneously, the dialogue fitting 
 in disjointedly. TAD rushes back and swings on his 
 mother s arm. FINLAYSON and ALLEN return, and 
 remain standing in the doorway. The two women 
 do not perceive them.) 
 
 Tad Mama mama ! 
 
 Beatrice ^Absent-mindedly kissing TAD) Just 
 
 the same, Jane, he s wonderful 
 
 Jane It s all so vital, so 
 
ACT I 25 
 
 Beatrice I don t care what Mrs. Potter says, 
 he has the most 
 
 j ane The test of a true marriage is in the - 
 
 Beatrice He must have been terribly unhappy 
 himself. Why, didn t you notice when he - 
 
 ] ane He s probably had an unfortunate love- 
 affair, and now he is trying - 
 
 Beatrice I m sure of it! He can never have 
 been tied to the ordinary humdrum - 
 
 J ane He speaks from experience. Only those 
 who have - 
 
 Beatrice That fascinating accent of his ! It just 
 haunts me, and 
 
 Jane One must live these precepts to 
 
 Beatrice Just what I think. Anyone as noble- 
 looking as he is must have had - 
 
 j ane Everyone should have the chance to decide 
 these things by a fair trial. Why, what do we 
 women ever - 
 
 Beatrice His eyes are positively tragic. They 
 seem to see far, far - 
 
 Jane Up to now MAN has - 
 
 (They continue more volubly, indistinguishably , 
 going R. and laying down their handbags, gloves, 
 et cetera.) 
 
 Finlayson What did I tell you, Ned? Just 
 now we re not even "visible." Let s see if we are ! 
 (Slipping across the room he plants himself directly 
 in front of the women.) 
 
 Allen Oh, rot! I m going to dinner. (He 
 starts out; the women become aware of them.) 
 
 Beatrice (Airily) Oh, hello, boys! Tad, don t 
 hang so on mother s arm. (TAD runs to ALLEN.) 
 
26 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Jane Why, you have finished work early today, 
 haven t you! 
 
 Allen (Returning to C. E.) Early! 
 
 Finlayson My watch is probably wrong every 
 thing about me is! In fact I don t even know if it 
 is a watch ! Is it, Jane ? Anyway, it says it s seven 
 o clock. 
 
 Jane Heavens, it can t be! Rod, you re joking. 
 Good-evening, dear. (Kissing him casually) 
 
 Finlayson I was never more serious, my treas 
 ure! 
 
 Jane I never know whether you are in earnest 
 or not. 
 
 Finlayson I m trying to cultivate your sense of 
 humor; my watch is probably lying. 
 
 Allen (C.) Well, my hunger is no lie. See here, 
 Beatrice, I m tired of this. Late dinners three or 
 four nights a week! When it isn t a culture club, 
 it s a bridge fight. It s enough to rile any man ! 
 
 Beatrice "Three or four nights!" You re too 
 absurd, Ned. 
 
 Allen (Excitedly) That s no joke! Am I right, 
 Fin? Haven t we eaten chipped beef, and dried-up 
 fish, and and " 
 
 Finlayson Don t ask me, I don t remember. 
 
 Allen Well, I remember, and I m sick of such a 
 bill-of-fare. 
 
 Finlayson Say, Ned, you made a mistake in 
 marrying a wife. What you really intended was to 
 engage a cook ! 
 
 Allen (Turning on him indignantly) Well, 
 what did you marry for, "Beau Brummel"? 
 
 Finlayson I married a "companion for my mid 
 dle-age, and a nurse for my declining years." 
 
ACT I 27 
 
 Jane (Alarmed) Why, Rod, dear, aren t you 
 well? (He looks at her intently.) Oh, you re 
 joking! 
 
 Finlayson (Patiently) Yes, Jane. In time, you 
 know, I hope to have you so responsive that 
 
 Jane Time is all so fleeting so vaporous 
 
 Beatrice If you men had something to think 
 of of course, I suppose you really do keep busy 
 during the day, Ned, but 
 
 J Hen Busy I Ye Gods! 
 
 Beatrice In your leisure moments like these, I 
 mean. If you had something of vital importance, 
 something uplifting, to discuss with us, for instance ! 
 Now we 
 
 Tad I m hungry! 
 
 Beatrice Run away to Bong and get your soup, 
 Tad. 
 
 Tad I want to eat my supper with my daddy. 
 
 Allen (Shortly) Come on, Fin. (He and TAD 
 go out C. E. toward R.) 
 
 Finlayson (Helping BEATRICE take off her coat) 
 I m not hungry. I m doing something "vital." 
 What was the subject of the lecture today, Beatrice? 
 
 Beatrice (Solemnly) Marriage. Thank you, 
 Rod, you re so thoughtful ! 
 
 Finlayson Hm! As serious as that? No won 
 der you were late! 
 
 Jane She has told you only half. Trial Mar 
 riages were discussed. Oh, it is a vast, vast sub 
 ject! Really, when I think of it 
 
 Finlayson (Helping JANE take off her coat) 
 Why think ? You are all settled and done for. 
 
 Jane (Calmly, taking off her hat) Oh, no, Rod; 
 
28 TRIAL MARRIAGE , 
 
 that s where you make a mistake! We must not 
 consider ourselves settled. That is the point Pro 
 fessor Staticmuller made. 
 
 Beatrice We must not consider ourselves settled 
 ever. "All is subject to change!" 
 
 Finlayson Er? You mean that er me or 
 Ned or any of us, might be changed any time? 
 
 Jane Certainly; it is a law of nature (gran 
 diosely) "fluid nature." 
 
 Finlayson (With pretended seriousness} And is 
 this change er voluntary, or are we just pitched 
 helter-skelter, "willy-nilly," as the poet saith? 
 
 Jane Our will has much to do with it. All 
 that is in my past, for instance 
 
 Finlayson Your past? Jane, you have deceived 
 me! You never told me you had a past! 
 
 Jane Don t be crazy, Rod. What the Pro 
 fessor means is this : You draw your past and future 
 together, and, and 
 
 Finlayson And tie them up in a hard knot? 
 
 Jane Oh, Rod, you confuse me! And with 
 their help (slowly) you make of the present a con 
 crete ideal. We must throw everything out of the 
 present that in any way hampers this ideal. 
 
 Finlayson Including husbands and wives, eh? 
 
 Beatrice That s his idea, and I thoroughly agree 
 with him. If you could see his deep-set eyes when 
 he talks about it, Rodney ! I just wish you and Ned 
 could be there! 
 
 Finlayson Christopher! I wish we could! 
 
 Jane We are going to try and arrange a meeting 
 for the husbands. 
 
 Finlayson We need it, poor beasts! Say, how 
 about eating? 
 
i ACT I 29 
 
 (EDWARD ALLEN enters, C. E. f a slice of bread 
 in his hand.) 
 
 Allen -See here, aren t you ever coming to din 
 ner? 
 
 Finlayson Our "goose is cooked," Ned; we re 
 all to be changed! 
 
 Beatrice (Excitedly) It s no joke, Rod Finlay 
 son. I believe all the Professor said. Do you sup 
 pose if I d had a chance at a trial marriage of six 
 months, say, with that cross old bear, that he would 
 have dared to make such a row because dinner was 
 late once in awhile? 
 
 Allen Eh? What s got you now, Bee? 
 
 Finlayson Be calm, old man! She finds her 
 marriage with you a mistake. 
 
 (ALLEN looks from one to the other in angry be- 
 wildet*ment*) 
 
 Beatrice (Excitedly) I m not excited and I m 
 not angry. I m looking at the matter calmly and 
 sensibly, as he said we should. 
 
 Allen Who szi&t 
 
 Beatrice The Professor. 
 
 Allen (Choking angrily on his bread) What s 
 he got on me, I d like to know! 
 
 Jane Not on you alone; on any man. Take 
 ourselves, for instance. We should have been per 
 fectly free to change our minds if we found we 
 were not suited after a stated number of months. 
 It s all quite simple. 
 
 Finlayson I see. A sort of try-out, eh? 
 
 Beatrice You do put things in such a bald way, 
 Rod. 
 
 Finlayson Well, the whole thing is rather bald 
 and raw, it strikes me. 
 
30 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen Do you really believe in all that bosh, 
 Beatrice ? 
 
 Beatrice Of course I do ! It s all quite true. 
 
 Allen And you think if you keep on trying, that 
 you re going to find someone who s going to stand 
 all this damned nonsense ? ( There are little shrieks 
 from the Women. What s the time limit your 
 blooming Professor gives you? 
 
 Jane He thinks six months would be a fair test. 
 
 Allen It s never too late, is it? I wish you d 
 hurry on that husbands meeting! I d like to smash 
 his old head for him ! 
 
 Beatrice You re just as mean as you can be ! 
 (Beginning to cry.) I don t want any dinner. Oh, 
 dear! Oh, dear! (She gathers up her wraps, and 
 handbag, and goes upstairs.) 
 
 Allen (Looking rather ashamed of himself) 
 Well, Jane, I m sorry; but it does make me sore. 
 
 Finlayson Don t you want your dinner, Jane? 
 
 Jane (Casually) Oh, no, we had a late tea! 
 Don t wait for me. (She gathers up her wraps, et 
 cetera, and goes out L.) 
 
 (The two Men gaze at each other in disgust.) 
 
 Allen Doesn t it make you tired, all this bosh 
 those men put into the women s heads? 
 
 Finlayson It isn t all bosh, you know; but the 
 dear souls get an exaggerated idea of these new no 
 tions, and they ll never rest until they give us a 
 turn at being victims. 
 
 Allen You re a queer guy, Fin. Do you mean 
 to say that you put any stock in this? 
 
 Finlayson There s a lot of truth in it, isn t 
 there? What did Bee know about you, for instance, 
 when she married you ? 
 
ACT I 31 
 
 Allen (Reluctantly} Oh well! 
 
 Finlayson Same here ! I can t say I knew much 
 about Jane, though. Her mother saw to that. 
 
 Allen Well, / don t see any sense in kicking up 
 all this rumpus. Something s got to be done right 
 here and now. Bee s getting too unsettled. I never 
 can find anything always having to buy new 
 shirts ! 
 
 Finlayson Too bad you didn t marry a laun 
 dress ! 
 
 Allen Meals late three or four times a week! 
 
 Tad (Appearing C. E., a chop bone in his hand, 
 his face smeared) Say, daddy, why don t you 
 come to dinner? 
 
 Allen Damned if I want any dinner! Run 
 along, Tad ; finish your own. 
 
 Finlayson Say, Tad, tell Bong to bring me a 
 plate of soup in here. (He clears one end of the 
 studio table by pushing back brushes, papers, et 
 cetera.) I feel Bohemian tonight. 
 
 Tad What s "henian"? 
 
 Finlayson Something a "real gentleman" never 
 is, Taddy. (TAD goes out C. E.) What do you 
 say, Ned, to giving the girls a try at their new idea? 
 
 Allen What do you mean? 
 
 Finlayson Why, if they re so stuck on having a 
 change, let s give it to them. 
 
 Allen (Bewildered) Eh? 
 
 Finlayson Oh, I don t imagine they d let us go 
 far ! But a little premeditated campaign might have 
 a good effect on the dinner-hour, and your shirts 
 might not go off on such long vacations. Taddy 
 might not see quite so much of Bong. 
 
 Allen I don t get your working idea. 
 
32 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 (BONG enters, C. E. f carrying a plate of soup, 
 bread, et cetera, which FINLAYSON directs him to 
 place on the studio table. Exit BONG.) 
 
 F inlay son Let s fall in with their plan. I don t 
 think they have any, so that makes it all the more 
 venturesome. (Ruminating) Suppose suppose 
 suppose you and I have been thinking along the 
 "trial marriage" line also suppose we ve even gone 
 so far as to be tired of the present arrangement. 
 Suppose 
 
 Allen (Angrily) I ll suppose nothing of the 
 sort. You re crazy! 
 
 Finlayson (Sits and begins to eat his soup) Yes, 
 I ve been told that before often! Of course this 
 will all be a huge lie, but what does one more mat 
 ter after all we have told them ? 
 
 Allen I tell Beatrice everything. 
 
 Finlayson Ha! Ha! Ha! (Chokes) 
 
 Allen I don t see the joke. 
 
 Finlayson (Rising, still coughing) Well, let s 
 tell them this anyway. Come, hurry up, man ; 
 gather together your ideas on marriage! Haven t 
 you any? 
 
 Allen Damned if I know! 
 
 Finlayson You see? Beatrice was right, you 
 haven t anything "vital" to think about! 
 
 Allen Oh, hang! 
 
 Finlayson We ll have it all arranged by the 
 time they come back, ready to spend the evening in 
 sweet domesticity. We re willing to let them 
 change us if they re so unhappy! You saw your 
 self how little I, or the dinner, or anything else 
 around here mattered to Jane. They both need a 
 change to make them aware of us. (Business-like) 
 
ACT I 33 
 
 Now whom have you been thinking about for sec 
 ond choice? 
 
 Allen (Hotly) You know perfectly well I 
 haven t been thinking of any such thing ! 
 
 Finlayson Tut, tut, man ! Didn t I see you 
 and Isabel Perry collaborating over some secret this 
 very evening? There you are! Isabel s the very 
 one thrifty, pretty, slight leaning toward art not 
 enough to matter! Fond of children, she s the girl 
 for you. That s settled! 
 
 Allen (With sarcasm) Where does Parker 
 come in ? 
 
 Finlayson He can settle his own affairs. We 
 can t make arrangements for everybody! Now for 
 me who in thunder? I like your nerve, Ned; 
 you ve taken the only girl in sight! 
 
 (BEATRICE is seen descending the stairs.) 
 
 Allen (Protesting) Here * Bee! We can t 
 carry out any such fool plan. 
 
 Finlayson Buck up! Just watch me! You fol 
 low my lead. All you ve got to do is to agree to 
 everything I say. I ll arrange all the details. 
 
 Allen (Smoking furiously) All right; go ahead; 
 I m game! 
 
 (BEATRICE enters C. E., simultaneously with 
 JANE, L. BEATRICE wears an injured-innocent air. 
 She sits R. and embroiders. JANE is calm and 
 casual, as though nothing had happened. She picks 
 up a heavy volume from the studio table, and pre 
 pares to settle down with it. She notices RODNEY S 
 soup plate and other things.) 
 
 Jane Why, Rod, what have you been doing? 
 
 Finlayson Merely following my own inclina 
 tions. You might call it reversion to type, I sup- 
 
34 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 pose. The only reason I eat my meals regularly in 
 the dining-room is because you are supposed to be 
 there. Gather round the family board," that sort 
 of thing. But when you don t "gather," why, food 
 is food "where er its home"! Poor old Tad is do 
 ing the "gathering" stunt all by himself tonight! 
 
 Allen Humph ! 
 
 Beatrice (Rising suddenly) I must see to Tad! 
 (She goes out C. E. toward R. JANE sits and 
 reads. ) 
 
 Allen (Throwing himself full length on the 
 couch) Jane, what did you say the Prof. s name 
 was that talked to you today? 
 
 (FINLAYSON gives ALLEN a warning look, and 
 goes back to his soup.) 
 
 Jane (Busily reading) Professor Staticmuller. 
 
 Finlayson You liked him, you said? 
 
 Jane Oh, exceedingly! He s so progressive; but 
 very much misunderstood. As he himself says, he s 
 quite fifty years ahead of the times. 
 
 Finlayson Oh ! Feels lonely, does he ? 
 
 Jane I suppose he does, poor man! He s not 
 too advanced for me. Why, he carries me right 
 along with him! 
 
 (BEATRICE appears C. E., talking off to TAD.) 
 
 Finlayson Is that so? Hm! 
 
 Beatrice No, Tad ; I said only one piece of pie. 
 (She enters.) Who carries you right along with 
 him, Jane? 
 
 Jane Professor Staticmuller. 
 
 Beatrice (Enthusiastically) He s a dear I 
 
 Allen (Puffing furiously at his cigar) Give us 
 some of his dope. 
 
 (FINLAYSON sends him another warning look. 
 
ACT I 35 
 
 Both Women begin to talk at once, in fragments. 
 Finally one hears:) 
 
 Beatrice It isn t what he says so much, as the 
 way he says it and 
 
 Jane This is one of his books. He 
 
 Beatrice He has the most adorable accent that 
 ever 
 
 Jane If you would only take time to read this, 
 Rod, it would give you something to think about. 
 
 Finlayson Something "vital," eh? It looks solid. 
 
 Beatrice Jane reads him, but I am contented 
 simply to listen to him. I put my mind into his 
 hands, as it were. 
 
 Allen Humph ! 
 
 BeatriceEh ? 
 
 Allen (Sputtering) Oh, nothing! 
 
 Jane He does his own publishing. Naturally no 
 publisher can be found who is progressive enough to 
 have faith in his material. 
 
 Finlayson That s where the publishers make a 
 grand mistake. They re all too conservative a lot 
 of old grannies! 
 
 Jane (Pleased) Why, Rod, how nice of you! 
 
 Beatrice I didn t know you ever thought of such 
 things. 
 
 Finlayson On the contrary my mind is teeming 
 with the new thought of the century. 
 
 Jane Why, Rod! 
 
 Finlayson I tell you, girls, it needed only this 
 evening s incidents to bring to a flame the smolder 
 ing furnace within me! 
 
 Jane What are you talking about? 
 
 Beatrice (Enthusiastically) I have always felt 
 you had something in you, Rod. 
 
36 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson I have! I have! And Ned and I 
 have been talking things over, haven t we, Ned? 
 
 Allen Um-hm. 
 
 Beatrice and Jane What things? 
 
 Finlayson I don t believe much in coincidences; 
 I believe more in the projection of thought. I think 
 it must be that, don t you, Ned? 
 
 Allen Yes I I think it s that. 
 
 (The two women are all curiosity.) 
 
 Finlayson It s immaterial whether you put the 
 thought into our minds or we put it into yours 
 just the same, we ve been thinking along the same 
 lines all unknown to each other. 
 
 Beatrice (Breathlessly) What lines? 
 
 Jane Rod, you re so slow! 
 
 Finlayson This trial marriage stunt. 
 
 Beatrice Well, what do you know about it? 
 
 Finlayson Not much, I must confess; yet deep- 
 rooted here in my chest are convictions which your 
 arguments tonight have clinched. Ned and I 
 
 Beatrice I don t believe Ned has any deep con 
 victions in his chest ; have you, Ned ? 
 
 Allen You bet I have! 
 
 Finlayson You see, it was a rather delicate mat 
 ter to broach. I suppose Ned and I have still re 
 maining in us a few of the traditional ideas of the 
 old-fashioned male. We 
 
 Jane Really, Rodney, are you sure you had only 
 soup for dinner? 
 
 Finlayson Quite sure, my dear Jane; and I 
 haven t finished that yet. To come to the point, for 
 you are evidently as weary of my preface as you are 
 of me Ned and I are er in fact, we are willing 
 
ACT I 37 
 
 to be changed. We were only waiting for you to 
 say so. 
 
 Beatrice and Jane Changed? 
 
 Allen (Beginning to enjoy the situation) Yes, 
 anxiously waiting, we might say. 
 
 Finlayson Your friend Staticmuller er, pardon 
 me, that sounds rather off-hand Professor Static 
 muller has convinced you of certain things by his 
 experience of life fifty years hence. Now we needed 
 only your confirmation of our thoughts. (Hammer 
 ing his chest) It takes courage to be the pioneers 
 of any new movement. We are willing to throw 
 ourselves into this for the benefit of posterity. 
 
 Beatrice What? 
 
 Jane What are you going to do ? 
 
 Finlayson (Enjoying himself hugely) We are 
 willing to throw off the yoke of convention. We 
 had no chance when we were younger. We ran our 
 heads blindly into the noose and thought we must 
 stay tied all our days. Now comes the prophet 
 Staticmuller offering us light along the new way. 
 What if we didn t try it at first? Is it too late 
 now? No, I say a thousand times, no! 
 
 Allen (Making a noble effort to help) I read 
 somewhere the other day, "It s never too late to 
 mend." 
 
 Beatrice Oh, pooh! 
 
 Jane (Solemnly) Beatrice, this is serious. I 
 feel that we are on the eve of a great upheaval in 
 our lives. 
 
 Finlayson Serious? Well, I should think! You 
 have been the injured victims of circumstances. 
 Blindness and ignorance landed you in our un- 
 
38 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 worthy arms. Now we declare you free, to choose 
 whom and where you like, leaving us the same 
 privilege. 
 
 Jane (Gasping) Rod I I ! 
 
 Beatrice Ned! Are you in this? 
 
 Allen Um-hm. 
 
 Finlayson This makes it all very easy for Ned. 
 He really has cut the path clear for all of us. Brave 
 old Ned! You wouldn t think it, would you? 
 
 Beatrice (Still all fluffy assurance) Ned, what 
 have you been doing? 
 
 Allen (Sitting up. With a valiant effort he out 
 does FINLAYSON.) Oh, nothing much! Merely 
 choosing your successor. 
 
 Beatrice (Gasps, and sits down in the nearest 
 chair) What? 
 
 (JANE drops her book with a thud.) 
 
 Finlayson (Going to ALLEN, patting him on the 
 back) Good old Ned! You ve got that off your 
 chest. It will be so much easier now. It makes it 
 so much easier for me! 
 
 Beatrice What ? What ? 
 
 (JANE stands transfixed, gazing at FINLAYSON 
 with growing suspicion.) 
 
 Allen That s what I said. 
 
 Finlayson While scientists and Staticmullers 
 have been filling books with these things, Ned and I 
 have been getting ready to live them. 
 
 Jane (Stately and serious) It s strange you have 
 never given any indication before of thinking these 
 things. 
 
 Beatrice (Excitedly) I insist upon knowing 
 what you mean right away ! Immediately, I say ! 
 
 Finlayson Ned, are you ready for me to an- 
 
ACT I 39 
 
 nounce, here and now, the name of the one whom 
 you feel destiny meant for you? 
 
 Allen Go ahead! I m sure a person fifty years 
 hence wouldn t mind, and I don t think Isabel will. 
 
 Beatrice Isabel ! 
 
 Jane Isabel! (They gaze at each other In con 
 sternation.} 
 
 Finlayson Yes. Acting on the impulse of that 
 projected thought, Ned confided her name to me 
 only one short half-hour ago. 
 
 Beatrice (Excitedly) Ned, this is a very poor 
 joke. 
 
 Allen (Solemnly} Beatrice, forgive me! I wish 
 it was a joke! 
 
 The Women Isabel ! Isabel ! 
 
 Allen That s what I said. 
 
 Beatrice (Gradually becoming hysterical) So 
 this is what comes of allowing Isabel Perry to come 
 here day after day, pretending to take painting les 
 sons, staying late every afternoon so she could see 
 Ned when he came home, and and 
 
 Jane Beatrice, restrain yourself. Don t you 
 know that you will gain nothing by all this excite 
 ment? 
 
 Beatrice I guess you d be excited too. I de 
 mand to know, Ned Allen, how long this affair has 
 been going on? Rodney, you have been here; I 
 insist upon knowing all you know about it! 
 
 Finlayson You must not ask me to betray Ned s 
 confidence. He may tell you himself. Brace up, 
 old man. 
 
 Allen (Haltingly} You see all this would 
 never have happened, if we had known about this 
 scheme earlier. Instead of eight years you and I 
 
40 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 would have had our six months and that would 
 have been the end of it. 
 
 Beatrice (In tears) End of what? 
 
 Jane Be calm, dear ; be calm ! 
 
 Finlayson Yes, be calm! I have a surprise in 
 store for you. (She pays no attention to him.) 
 
 Beatrice Calm ! I won t be calm ! I demand 
 to know what end he s talking about! I ll show 
 Isabel Perry, and you, too, Ned Allen ! How can 
 you sit there and smoke, and tell me such things, 
 and your innocent child in there eating apple-pie 
 and 
 
 Allen It is hard, but I understood that Static- 
 muller had prepared your mind for any contingency 
 that might arise any time this side of fifty years. 
 
 (BEATRICE continues to gasp and sputter.) 
 
 Jane Oh, he never comes down to personalities ! 
 He is so broad and general ! 
 
 Finlayson I see. Then we are ahead of him. 
 We are dealing in personalities. His theories are 
 striking us right where we live. 
 
 Beatrice I m going right now to talk to that 
 hussy, that designing little minx! I ll talk to her 
 mother about her; she ought to know. Coming 
 here pretending she s engaged to a perfectly good 
 young man and, and all the time she s 
 
 Jane (Restraining her) Beatrice, wait! Think 
 what a shock it will be to Mrs. Perry. Be calm. 
 It will do no harm to wait till tomorrow. 
 
 Finlayson Yes, wait till tomorrow, Beatrice. 
 Meanwhile 
 
 Beatrice I m going now! 
 
 Allen (Yawning) Oh, wait till morning, Bee! 
 It s getting late. 
 
ACT I 41 
 
 Beatrice Late ! 
 
 Jane We must talk this thing out. You won t 
 gain anything by too much haste. 
 
 Finlayson No; what are a few hours? You have 
 already waited eight years! 
 
 Allen Take until tomorrow to think it over, 
 Bee. Besides, Rod has something to say for him 
 self. Spit it out ! We were going to stand by each 
 other, you know. 
 
 Jane Rodney? Why, he never sees anyone 
 he 
 
 Finlayson Ah, how little you have understood 
 me! 
 
 Beatrice (Breaking away from JANE) I m go 
 ing! 
 
 Jane Be calm, dear. Rod, what are you say 
 ing? 
 
 Finlayson Beatrice, stay. You are in this. 
 
 Beatrice Yes, I am in this ! Let me go, Jane. 
 
 Finlayson (Impressively} Beatrice, I expect no 
 response from you now; I ask none. Silently I 
 have lived in your house, have watched you, com 
 ing and going, never giving me a thought 
 
 Beatrice (Beginning to suspect his meaning, and 
 growing quiet through curiosity} Why, Rod, I 
 think of you a great deal. You are only delaying 
 me now, I must go! 
 
 Finlayson (Rapidly) Haven t you guessed? 
 Can t you grasp my meaning? Don t you know 
 that you dont look at me like that, Jane! Yes, 
 
 Beatrice, I feel that you, that you alone (He 
 
 turns away as though choked with emotion.} 
 
 Jane (Gasping, releases BEATRICE) Rodney! 
 
 Allen (Gazing at BEATRICE) Great Scott! 
 
42 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice (With signs of pleased amazement) 
 Why, Rodney! Impossible! 
 
 Finlayson (With shaking voice) Why "impos 
 sible"? As Jane says, I have seen no one. Day 
 after day I slave here in this corner, seeing no one, 
 
 except Tad and Isabel; caring for no one 
 
 (With a comprehensive gesture) Now you all 
 know why! (Hammering his chest) Oh, what a 
 relief to be free at last! To be relieved of this 
 secret burden ! Heaven be praised for Staticmuller 
 and his wonderful creed! 
 
 (During this speech JANE has drawn away from 
 BEATRICE, gradually becoming rigid.) 
 
 Jane Rodney ! 
 
 Beatrice (Slightly triumphant, glances toward 
 ALLEN furtively, and consciously pleased, toward 
 FINLAYSON) Why, Rodney I never d\reamed! 
 I never suspected the faintest I don t know what 
 to say! 
 
 Finlayson (Waxing enthuiastic over his success) 
 I appreciate your feelings. I myself never knew 
 before what to say. A new-born courage has come 
 to me. I feel like a man delivered from the bond 
 age of a of a 
 
 Allen (Shortly) See here, Fin, aren t you rather 
 overdoing this? 
 
 Finlayson (Surprised) It is something when 
 once found cannot be overdone. 
 
 Jane (Approaching ALLEN) So this so this is 
 what I am indebted to you for! To you, who 
 neglect your wife, and leave her to wander aim 
 lessly from club to club from 
 
 Beatrice (Indignantly) Aimlessly? No such 
 thing ! I have always had a distinct purpose. You 
 
ACT I 43 
 
 know perfectly well that you are the one who is 
 aimless, disagreeing with this one and that one 
 while I 
 
 Jane Yes, you! You believe everything they 
 tell you, and half the time it is because you don t 
 know what they re saying, you re so busy raving 
 over their eyes or their hair or or 
 
 Beatrice You just take that back, Jane Finlay- 
 son ! Take it back, I say ! 
 
 Finlayson (Aside to ALLEN) We ve got some 
 thing started, all right. 
 
 Allen (Drawing himself up, turns away, to FIN- 
 LAYSON S amazement) I say, Bee 
 
 Beatrice (Haughtily) I think the less I hear 
 from you, the better! 
 
 Allen Look here, this has gone far enough. 
 I 
 
 Jane I should say it had ; but one would scarcely 
 expect you to be the one to say so! 
 
 (TAD runs in C. E. He looks from one to the 
 other. ALL except FINLAYSON are much excited 
 and talking loudly.) 
 
 Allen I haven t talked half enough. I have a 
 whole lot to say. I m going to lay down some new 
 rules for this household. Just let me 
 
 Beatrice Oh, indeed? Who has made you lord 
 of the house? Do you hear that, Jane? 
 
 Jane Yes, I hear. Well, it s time something 
 was done. 
 
 Allen I seem to be the only sane one in the 
 bunch. I m sick of all this torn-foolery ! 
 
 (ALL stop, and gasp for breath.) 
 
 Tad (To FINLAYSON) Now I don t know 
 whether you or Daddy is a gemplum ! 
 
44 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson Poor old Tad ! It is a poser ! 
 
 Beatrice Shuh! We are just wasting time. 
 Taddy, run and get me my hat and coat from off 
 my bed. 
 
 Tad Oh, mama! Don t go out again! 
 
 Beatrice Hush ! Do as I say. 
 
 (TAD goes out C. E. and upstairs, sniffling.) 
 
 Jane Beatrice, you haven t had your dinner 
 
 Beatrice (Scornfully) Dinner! Nothing shall 
 stop me! 
 
 Finlayson (Going to her) Have you no heart? 
 
 Beatrice I ll talk with you later. I know where 
 my duty lies now. (Going to the stair foot.) 
 Taddy! Hurry! 
 
 (TAD appears reluctantly on the stairs, comes 
 down, carrying the hat and coat. BEATRICE goes 
 hurriedly to the mirror and puts them on. TAD 
 tries to help her with the coat. FINLAYSON has 
 an impulse to prevent her going, then refrains.) 
 
 Tad (In a loud whisper) Mama, are you going 
 after the letter? 
 
 Beatrice What letter ? 
 
 Tad The one Papa gave Isabel. He said it 
 was a secret. 
 
 Beatrice (With an awful look at ALLEN) Yes, 
 Tad, / am! 
 
 (BEATRICE hurries out C. E. TAD runs after 
 her, setting up a howl. ALLEN picks him up in 
 his arms, starts out, then returns with a distracted 
 look.) 
 
 Finlayson Of course, Jane, you must take your 
 own time. I er 
 
 (JANE turns on him a look of freezing dignity, 
 
ACT I 45 
 
 takes up her heavy volume and goes out L. FIN- 
 LAYSON turns to ALLEN and begins to laugh silent 
 ly. ALLEN does not respond. FINLAYSON chokes 
 between laughs. ) 
 
 F inlay son They came to it better than I thought 
 they would. Ha! Ha! Ha! How about it, Ned? 
 Will you go after Beatrice? She ll probably take 
 a taxi. Parker and Isabel are strolling home in 
 the moonlight, so Bee will arrive first, and be cool 
 ing her heels on the doorstep, waiting for them. 
 
 Allen (With TAD in his arms, gazes indignantly 
 at FINLAYSON. He goes toward C. E.) I should 
 imagine you were the one to go after her! (He 
 goes upstairs, a much injured man.) 
 
 Fmlayson (Pauses a moment in bewildered as 
 tonishment) Ha! Ha! Ha! (Going to the studio 
 table he surveys his cold soup, then yells) Bong! 
 Oh, Bong! (At C. E.) Bong! Bring me some 
 hot soup. (He continues to laugh.) 
 
 (BoNG appears C. E.) 
 
 Fmlayson Hot soup, Bong; all cold. 
 
 (BoNG goes out, FINLAYSON ruminates, takes up 
 the telephone directory, searches for a name. BONG 
 returns with the soup.) 
 
 Say, Bong, you know where Miss Perry lives? 
 
 Bon ff Who Miss Pelly? 
 
 Finlayson Young lady Isabel Miss Perry. 
 .(Indicating the typewriter) 
 
 Bong O o oh! Miss Pelly. I no know 
 where lib. 
 
 Finlayson Hm! No, of course not. (Search 
 ing in the directory) Perry Perry Charles, 
 Daniel, Henry I here we are Isabel! Great 
 girl, to have it in her own name ! All right, Bong, 
 
46 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 never mind. (He begins rapidly to eat his soup.) 
 Phew ! This is hot ! 
 
 (BoNG goes out C. E. ALLEN enters C. E. He 
 goes furiously to the table R., takes a cigar out of a 
 box on the table, lights it, puts on his overcoat from 
 the hall-stand, and takes his hat.) 
 
 Finlayson ( Cheerfully ) Going out ? 
 
 Allen No! I m going to bed! 
 
 (He goes out C. E. to left. The front door is 
 heard to slam.) 
 
 Finlayson Phew! (He finished his soup, rises 
 leisurely, starts toward the hall-stand, then remem 
 bers something he wants in his room, and goes 
 quickly L. He meets JANE entering L. FINLAY 
 SON bows low; she passes him haughtily. He goes 
 out L.) 
 
 Jane (Goes to the couch and seats herself with 
 much dignity. She notices TAD S package, picks it 
 up, opens it, and discovers a lot of old rags with a 
 paper pinned to them. She reads) "April Fools ! 
 (A light breaks over her face.) "April Fools !" 
 (She begins to laugh quietly. She sees FINLAYSON S 
 plot. An idea comes to her. She looks about, then 
 picks up the book she has been carrying. She looks 
 on the fly-leaf.) Henrik Staticmuller ! (She goes 
 to the telephone directory, looks up an address, takes 
 up the phone and calls quietly:) Hello! Walnut 
 6578 please. Yes, Walnut. Is this Walnut 6578? 
 Professor Staticmuller? Oh, Professor, this is 
 Mrs. Finlayson (Very softly and distinctly, as she 
 is afraid of being heard) Mrs. Fin-lay-son. Yes, 
 that s right. Could I see you a few minutes this 
 evening? Oh, no! (Embarrassed) If you could 
 come to the house of a friend of mine, a friend, 
 
ACT I 47 
 
 yes! She has an idea Oh, no! An idea, I said, 
 not my dear. My friend has an idea that will work 
 well into one of your lectures. Yes. Oh, yes, she s 
 much interested in the meeting for husbands. Yes. 
 Can you be there in about half an hour? Oh, 
 thank you, I couldn t think of troubling you ! I ll 
 meet you there. Her number is 916 Washington 
 Street. Miss Perry, P-e-r-r-y. Yes. I m just 
 leaving in a moment. Good-by. (She hangs up the 
 phone, returns to the couch and pretends to read. 
 She looks impatiently toward L.) 
 
 (FINLAYSON enters L. He wears his overcoat. 
 JANE glances up coldly, but continues reading. FIN 
 LAYSON jauntily lights his pipe beside the studio 
 table. He takes his hat from the hall-stand, whist 
 ling cheerfully.) 
 
 Finlayson I m going out a little while, Jane. 
 
 Jane Yes? Very well. (She gives a huge 
 sigh.) 
 
 Finlayson Eh ? 
 
 Jane I m thinking of poor, dear little Mrs. 
 Perry. She s not strong, you know. A shock like 
 that might be very bad for her. 
 
 Finlayson Great Scott! I forgot all about her. 
 (He goes out hastily, C. E. to left.) 
 
 (JANE laughs, and goes out L. BONG enters, 
 C. E. He looks about. JANE reenters, hastily put 
 ting on her hat and coat.) 
 
 Jane Turn down the lights, Bong; we re all 
 out for awhile. (She stands for a moment at the 
 foot of the stairs, and listens.) Poor little kiddie! 
 (She goes out C. E. to left.) 
 
 (BoNG turns off the living-room lights. Loud 
 cries are heard from TAD upstairs.) 
 
48 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Tad (Running downstairs , clad in pajamas, cry 
 ing ) Mommer-r-r ! Popper-r-r-r ! 
 
 Bong Shuh ! Shuh ! Shuh ! Aplil Fools ! 
 Aplil Fools ! (He takes TAD S hand.} You likee 
 pie? Huh? You likee pie? Aplil Fools ! 
 
 (He leads TAD off C. E. toward R. TAD is 
 howling as the Curtain falls.) 
 
ACT II 
 
 SCENE: MRS. PERRY S sitting-room. The en 
 trances afe at center and right. The room is 
 simply but cosily furnished. On the walls are 
 a number of paintings and sketches, both 
 framed and unframed. MRS. PERRY is dis 
 covered sitting beside the table lamp, busily 
 tatting. She is elderly, quiet, and sweet-look 
 ing. She glances at the clock. It strikes eight. 
 She murmurs to herself, counting: "One 
 $wo< three four five loop, one two f 
 
 three " The door-bell rings, MRS PERRY 
 
 answers. 
 
 (BEATRICE ALLEN enters C. E., excitedly, hur 
 riedly, followed by MRS. PERRY.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry Good-evening. What do you wish, 
 please? 
 
 Beatrice Is this Mrs. Perry? Yes, I thought so. 
 Mrs. Perry Yes, I am Mrs. Perry. Do you 
 wish to see my daughter? 
 
 Beatrice Yes, Mrs. Perry, I do wish to see your 
 daughter, but first I would like to talk with you. 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Sweetly polite, but a trifle haughty) 
 I don t know you, do I? 
 
 Beatrice I beg your pardon; I am Mrs. Allen, 
 Mrs. Edward Allen, you know. 
 
 Mrs. Perry Oh, Mrs. Allen! Do sit down. 
 49 
 
50 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Of course I have heard of you often. Isabel is so 
 fond of your dear little boy. 
 
 Beatrice (Shortly) Yes, I believe so. (She 
 sits. ) 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Sits down in her former chair, and 
 resumes her tatting) Mr. Allen has been so kind 
 to my Isabel. He and Mr. Finlayson 
 
 Beatrice Yes, I have heard of that too. In fact, 
 it is just that I have come about. 
 
 Mrs. Perry I don t understand you, Mrs. Allen. 
 Suppose we wait until Isabel comes, then we can 
 talk it over. Do you tat? 
 
 Beatrice I wish to have a private talk with you 
 before your daughter comes. Is she often as late 
 as this. 
 
 Mrs. Perry Yes, quite often. One two 
 three four five loop. One two three four 
 
 Beatrice So I have heard. She seems to be a 
 very industrious girl! 
 
 Mrs. Perry There s no one like my Isabel. She 
 works faithfully at whatever she undertakes. 
 
 Beatrice (Sneeringly) Even if it makes her late 
 for dinner, eh? 
 
 Mrs. Perry Yes; but I always keep her dinner 
 nice and hot for her in the fireless cooker. 
 
 Beatrice (Walking about) Mrs. Perry, I have 
 come here for your daughter s own good; to tell 
 you things you ought to hear. 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Nervously) I wish Isabel would 
 come! (Trying to be entertaining) Have you 
 seen those nice, little crash face towels? I am 
 making this tatting for one of them. 
 
ACT II 51 
 
 Beatrice (Nonplussed) Yes, I have seen them. 
 I have made dozens of them. 
 
 Mrs. Perry They are so handy. I am making 
 a set for Isabel. One two three four five 
 loop. One two 
 
 Beatrice Mrs. Perry, you ought to know what 
 your daughter s practices are. (MRS. PERRY is 
 startled.) I hate to startle you, but what am I to 
 do? Your Isabel has been coming day after day to 
 study art oh, yes, art! (She glances at the paint 
 ings on the walls.) Art, mind you, with Rodney 
 Finlayson ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry (With pride) Yes, that s true. 
 
 Beatrice Well, how has she been spending that 
 time? I want you to know! 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Bewildered) My dear! I don t 
 know. I wish you would wait till Isabel comes. 
 She could tell you what you want to know, I am 
 sure. Is it about your little boy you wish to speak ? 
 I know you wish her to look out for him a little 
 when you are away from home. 
 
 Beatrice (Impatiently) No, no! Though heaven 
 knows what perfidy that child has heard! 
 
 Mrs. Perry One two three four five 
 loop. One two three 
 
 Beatrice You say your daughter is often late? 
 Well, she stays to see my husband, Mrs. Perry 
 yes, my husband! 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Becomes very dignified, and drops 
 her tatting in her lap) Your husband! Explain 
 yourself, Mrs. Allen. 
 
 Beatrice All these afternoons when she has been 
 "quite late," as you say, she has loitered around the 
 
52 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 studio under pretense of painting, or looking after 
 Tad, or copying letters for Rod Finlayson, and all 
 the time it was my husband she was waiting for! 
 
 Mrs. Perry Mrs. Allen! (Rising solemnly) 
 You are a wicked woman. (There is a sound of 
 some one entering the hall.) I hear my daughter 
 coming. (Going C. E.) Isabel Isabel, come in, 
 dear. We have a visitor. 
 
 (ISABEL and PARKER enter C. E.) 
 
 Isabel Why, Mrs. Allen ! What an unexpected 
 pleasure! (She offers her hand, which MRS. PERRY 
 intercepts by stepping up and kissing ISABEL.) Have 
 you met Mr. Parker? Mrs. Allen Mr. Parker. 
 (They bow.) 
 
 Parker How are you, Mrs. Perry? (They 
 shake hands while BEATRICE and ISABEL eye each 
 other. PARKER places his hat and overcoat aside.) 
 
 Isabel Mother has so often heard me speak of 
 you, Mrs. Allen. 
 
 Beatrice (Excitedly) No doubt! It is time now 
 to speak of you! 
 
 Isabel Mrs. Allen! What has happened? (She 
 is taking off her jacket; it catches somewhere.) Syd, 
 please help me with this. (As he helps her, the note 
 which ALLEN has given her falls out of the pocket. 
 She snatches at it; PARKER picks it up. ISABEL is 
 confused.) That s er oh, give it to me, Syd! 
 
 Beatrice (Quickly) Kindly allow me to glance 
 at that envelope, Mr. Parker. (ISABEL demurs in 
 voluntarily.) Oh, you needn t be afraid, Miss 
 Perry, I m not going to open it! (She looks at the 
 envelope in PARKER S hand. ) I thought so ! My 
 husband s handwriting, Mr. Parker. 
 
 Parker I must confess I don t understand what 
 
ACT II 53 
 
 this is all about. Will one of you kindly explain? 
 
 (He g wes ISABEL the letter, which she places, in 
 dignified silence, in her jacket pocket, hastily re 
 moves her hat, and places both on a chair.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry Yes, please be good enough, Mrs. 
 Allen. You began telling me something I cannot 
 believe. 
 
 Beatrice Oh, no, nobody ever believes these 
 things! Yet the newspapers are full of them! I 
 never thought they would happen to me, though ; 
 oh, I never, never did! (Becoming hysterical) 
 How can you stand there, Isabel Perry, and look 
 me in the face? 
 
 Isabel (Amazed) Mrs. Allen! What do you 
 mean ? Sydney ! 
 
 (PARKER tries to break in; he is worried about 
 the note, but BEATRICE continues.) 
 
 Beatrice This is what we women get for im 
 proving ourselves, and trying to make something of 
 our lives. You sweet, simple, little 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Taking ISABEL S hand) Mrs. Al 
 len, I forbid you to address my daughter in that 
 tone. Kindly carry on your conversation with me. 
 
 Isabel Mama, dear, I am quite able to talk. 
 
 Beatrice What I have to say concerns all of you. 
 
 Mrs. Perry I am waiting for you to tell me 
 w r hy you have come here to insult my daughter. 
 
 Isabel Mother dear! 
 
 Mrs. Perry Yes, insult. Oh, you don t know, 
 my dear, what she has been saying! Well, Mrs. 
 Allen? 
 
 Beatrice I suppose you don t know, Miss Perry, 
 that I am quite aware of your coming home late 
 every evening of your pretense of art of your, 
 
54 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 well, just ask Mr. Finlayson what he thinks about 
 it or ask Mr. Allen yes, just ask my husband! 
 
 Isabel I don t know what you mean. Did I 
 neglect Tad? Has anything happened to him? 
 
 Mrs. Perry Hush, my dear; let me speak. Kind 
 ly make your story short, Mrs. Allen. I am wait 
 ing. 
 
 Beatrice My husband has had the effrontery 
 this very evening to confess, no, not to confess, to 
 brazenly proclaim, that you, you, Isabel Perry, are 
 his choice for my successor ! 
 
 Isabel (Gasping) Mrs. Allen! 
 
 Mrs. Perry Oh! Why (Turning indig 
 nantly to PARKER) How dare you allow this 
 woman to remain in the same room with Isabel? 
 (MRS. PERRY begins to grow weak from agitation.) 
 
 Isabel Mother, Syd can do nothing. Let me 
 manage this this crazy woman. (PARKER looks 
 at her queerly.) What is the matter, Sydney? 
 
 Parker Isabel, this is certainly very strange. You 
 are keeping something from me. 
 
 Isabel Sydney ! 
 
 Parker All the way home you have treated me 
 queerly. 
 
 Isabel Why, Syd, surely you are mistaken ! 
 (MRS. PERRY clutches her arm, and sways a little.) 
 Mother, you are tired. You must come and lie 
 down. (Guiding her to the door, R., MRS. PERRY 
 protesting.) Perhaps Mrs. Allen and Mr. Parker 
 can find a congenial topic of conversation until I 
 return! (She delivers this sentence with mild sar 
 casm, and goes out with MRS. PERRY R.) 
 
 Beatrice (Laughing wildly) No doubt we can! 
 
ACT II 55 
 
 Parker This knocks me all out, Mrs. Allen. I 
 don t know what to do or say. 
 
 Beatrice You may be thankful that you are not 
 married to Isabel. Look at me tied up irrevoca 
 bly! 
 
 Parker ! cannot believe it yet when I think 
 of her strange actions this evening, that letter, and 
 little Tad s warning about a secret ! 
 
 Beatrice Ah, yes, that secret! They evidently 
 have a secret understanding. 
 
 Parker It certainly looks like it. 
 
 Beatrice Tell me just what happened. Were 
 you at the house? Were they together? 
 
 Parker (Solemnly) Yes. 
 
 Beatrice Alone ? 
 
 Parker Your little Tad was there. 
 
 Beatrice My innocent lamb ! Where was Rod 
 Finlayson ? 
 
 Parker I don t know. There was no sign of 
 him around. 
 
 Beatrice Well ? Go on ! Go on ! Did you 
 notice anything unusual? 
 
 Parker Well, I must say that both your husband 
 and Isabel seemed decidedly confused. My appear 
 ance on the scene evidently interrupted something. 
 
 Beatrice And the letter the letter! What 
 about that? 
 
 Parker I didn t attach any importance to the 
 letter until she dropped it ; but the glances they ex 
 changed when they bade each other good-by were 
 enough to 
 
 Beatrice Yes! And Taddy, he knew about the 
 letter he told me about it. 
 
56 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Parker And he warned me not to ask about the 
 secret ! 
 
 Beatrice It s all as plain as day ! Oh oh- oh ! 
 
 (ISABEL enters R. She stands looking at them.) 
 
 Isabel Vf till 
 
 Beatrice We were just wondering ^well," also! 
 
 Isabel Sydney! Surely you cannot believe any 
 of this. 
 
 Parker Well, Isabel, you know it is very strange 
 that you have not allowed me to announce our en 
 gagement. Then tonight it was plain to be seen 
 that you and Mr. Allen had an understanding of 
 some sort. Even little Tad 
 
 Beatrice (Triumphantly^) Yes, deny that, if 
 you can ! Children speak the truth ! 
 
 Isabel It is an old saying, yes, but you have left 
 out part of it. (Sarcastically) Children repeat 
 what they see without understanding; fools do the 
 same. 
 
 Beatrice So I am a fool, am I ? I am beginning 
 to think I am ! Oh, how could I have been so 
 dense ! No wonder Ned has been getting home be 
 fore me evening after evening, pretending I was 
 late, and kicking up all sorts of a row, when all 
 the time he was the one that was too early. Mr. 
 Parker, what time was it when you arrived there? 
 
 Parker I really don t know. About six-thirty, 
 I think. 
 
 Isabel (With a pointed look at BEATRICE) It 
 was nearer seven. 
 
 Parker Mr. Allen had evidently been home 
 some time, and was enjoying himself hugely as far 
 as I could see. 
 
 Isabel (Much hurt) Very well, Sydney, if you 
 
/ ACT II 57 
 
 believe these things so easily, continue to believe 
 them. Meanwhile I ll bid you both good-evening. 
 Perhaps Mrs. Allen will enlighten you as to all the 
 particulars on the way home; I am not conversant 
 with them. Good-evening! 
 
 (She starts out toward R. The doorbell rings, 
 she answers, and ushers in RODNEY FINLAYSON. 
 He is slightly out of breath, but debonair, as 
 usual.) 
 
 Isabel (As they enter) Mr. Finlayson! 
 
 Beatrice Rodney ! 
 
 (PARKER looks his surprise.) 
 
 Finlayson I am sure you are surprised at this 
 unexpected call, Miss Perry, but I am a little bit 
 of a "henian," as Tad says, and - 
 
 Finlayson "Bohemian," is my pronunciation. 
 Tad prefers the other. Hello, Bee, are you here? 
 What a charming surprise ! And Parker too ! This 
 is great. (He takes off his overcoat and lays it non 
 chalantly aside with his hat.) 
 
 Isabel Was there something you wanted me to 
 do for you ? 
 
 Finlayson Oh, no, no! Merely a social visit. 
 I am a sociable being, as, no doubt you know. 
 
 Isabel (Murmurs, not knowing what to do) 
 You are always very kind. 
 
 Finlayson Your mother is well, I hope. 
 
 Isabel Not very well this evening. (Glancing 
 at the others) 
 
 Finlayson It was really solicitude for her that 
 brought me. I was out, taking a little run around, 
 so I dropped in to inquire. I suppose that is what 
 Mrs. Allen came for, eh, Bee? 
 
58 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice (Self-consciously) You are too absurd, 
 Rodney. You know why I came. 
 
 Isabel Mrs. Allen ! Surely you 
 
 Beatrice I have accomplished my errand, and 
 now if Mr. Parker will kindly call a taxi for me I 
 shall not burden you with my society any longer. 
 (She turns to PARKER who assists her with her 
 coat; she talking volubly.) 
 
 Isabel I have already said good-evening to you 
 both. 
 
 Finlayson (In a quick aside to ISABEL) Brace 
 up ! It s all a hoax. I started it. There s nothing 
 to it. 
 
 Isabel You what ? 
 
 Finlayson What day of the month is this? 
 
 Isabel The first of oh, April Fools ! 
 
 Finlayson Yes, I started Bee off; didn t think it 
 would go so far. Shuh ! It will be all right. 
 Sense of humor, you know ; sense of humor ! 
 
 (ISABEL, though still hurt at PARKER, follows 
 FINLAYSON S lead.) 
 
 Beatrice (C. E.) Good-evening. 
 
 Parker (C. E.) Good-evening. 
 
 Isabel Shall I see you later, Sydney? 
 
 Parker (Stiffly) I believe you dismissed me 
 some time ago. 
 
 Finlayson (Gaily) By the way, I wonder what 
 has become of Ned! He left home quite a while 
 before I did, with one of his facetious remarks. He s 
 always so apropos, is old Ned! I got an idea he 
 was coming here. 
 
 Beatrice No doubt he was. Shall we go, Mr. 
 Parker? (They go out C. E.) 
 
ACT II 59 
 
 (There is a ring at the doorbell. ISABEL starts 
 toward C. E. PARKER has reached the house door, 
 and opens it. EDWARD ALLEN enters. He is in a 
 towering rage. His voice is heard from the hall, 
 before he appears.) 
 
 Allen Oh, there you are, Mrs. Allen! I have 
 come to take you home. 
 
 Beatrice (Shrilly, in the hall) Have you in 
 deed? Well, you might have spared yourself the 
 trouble. 
 
 Isabel (Looking out into the hall) Oh, please, 
 please ! 
 
 (ALLEN, BEATRICE and PARKER appear C. E.) 
 
 Parker (Haughtily) I am about to escort Mrs. 
 Allen home. 
 
 Allen Who are you, I should like to know, that 
 you should escort my wife home? 
 
 Parker Who are you, I should like to know, 
 that 
 
 Finlayson (Holding up his hand, drawling) 
 Shuh shuh! Come in, all of you. If you must 
 fight it out, at least remember that you are ladies 
 and gentlemen, and fight in the drawing-room where 
 there is more floor space ! 
 
 (They reluctantly enter, glowering at each other. 
 Curiosity brings BEATRICE.) 
 
 Allen (To FINLAYSON) What are you doing 
 here? 
 
 Finlayson I might ask that of you. 
 
 Allen You didn t say that you were going out. 
 
 Finlayson You told me you were going to bed ! 
 
 Allen So you meet Beatrice down here, do you? 
 
 Finlayson (Amazed) Eh? 
 

 60 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen Just what I said. It s like your smooth 
 ness, getting me involved in a plot to cover your 
 own underhand doings! 
 
 Finlayson Well, of all the ! Great Scott 
 
 what a mess! Will you listen to me? 
 
 Allen (Shouting) No, I won t listen to you! 
 Beatrice, are you coming? What are you waiting 
 for? 
 
 Beatrice (Shrilly) No, I m not coming with 
 you. What do you take me for? Why should I 
 come with you? 
 
 Allen Why should you? I am your legal pro 
 tector, amn t I? Can you beat it? "Why should 
 you?" 
 
 Beatrice Where have you been all this time 
 then? I ve been here at least half an hour. You 
 haven t been in much of a hurry. 
 
 Allen Could I help it if my taxi took the wheel 
 off another car, and delayed all the traffic on the 
 street? Could I help that, I say? Oh, yes, of 
 course I could ! There isn t anything that we men 
 are not expected to do, from cooking a dinner to 
 settling a traffic riot on Market Street! 
 
 Finlayson My word, that s interesting! Isn t 
 it queer how a man s wife is never with him in 
 a taxi accident ! What was her name, Ned ? 
 
 Allen (Blustering) B-r-r-r ! I ve had just 
 
 about enough from you. 
 
 Finlayson Yet I am the only person who can 
 set you right on this. 
 
 Allen (Sneering) Sort of a Solomon, are you? 
 
 Finlayson Come to think of it, Solomon and I 
 are kindred spirits. He was a hopelessly married 
 
ACT II 61 
 
 man too ! (He sends a whimsical glance toward 
 BEATRICE. She is self-conscious.) 
 
 Parker (Who has been trying to get in a word 
 for some time) There is no further reason for my 
 remaining here. Good-evening, Mrs. Allen. If at 
 any time I can be of any assistance just let me know. 
 
 Beatrice You are so kind ! 
 
 (PARKER goes out hurriedly, C. E., forgetting 
 his overcoat. BEATRICE and ALLEN continue to 
 argue aside.) 
 
 Isabel Sydney ! 
 
 Finlayson Let him go. He ll be back tomorrow 
 if you want him ! 
 
 Isabel (Indignantly) Of course I want him! 
 But, oh, I am mad at him ! 
 
 Finlayson Naturally no girl cares for a lover 
 who isn t able to hold his own. 
 
 Isabel I do care for Syd. But he ought to have 
 more faith in me. 
 
 Finlayson He ll be around tomorrow, as meek 
 as a lamb, you ll see! I promise you I ll spend all 
 day straightening this thing out. 
 
 Allen Once more, Mrs. Allen, are you coming? 
 
 Beatrice No and stop calling me Mrs. Allen ! 
 
 Allen I ll call you exactly what I damn please! 
 
 Beatrice (Beginning to cry) O o oh! In 
 all my life I ve never been sworn at before ! 
 
 Allen It would have been better for you if you 
 had! Damn, damn, damn, I say! 
 
 Finlayson Ned ! Ned ! Kindly remember that 
 you are not in the sanctity of your own home! 
 
 (ISABEL approaches ALLEN protestingly. He 
 calms down somewhat, and stands near C. E., look- 
 
62 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 ing commandingly at BEATRICE. The telephone 
 rings, ISABEL answers.) 
 
 Isabel (At telephone) Yes ? Who ? (Puz 
 zled) Yes, this is Mrs. Perry s house. I don t 
 understand you. (Hitting the phone) That s bet 
 ter. Whom did you say? What car? (Turning 
 to the others) I can t make out what he says; he 
 sounds Dutch. (To phone) You take car 21, yes, 
 to get here. (To others) Good gracious! I m 
 giving a strange man directions how to get here ! 
 (To phone) Mrs. Who? Mrs. Finlayson? (All 
 start) Oh, yes! To meet Who is this, please? 
 Who? Oh! Very well. Good-by. (She hangs 
 up, and turns in amazement to FINLAYSON.) It s 
 Professor Staticmuller ! He is coming here to meet 
 Mrs. Finlayson. Did you ever? He s lost. He ll 
 be here in a few minutes. 
 
 Finlayson Well what do you know about 
 that? (He sinks into a chair in amazement. The 
 others show their astonishment.) 
 
 Beatrice Professor Staticmuller ! 
 
 Allen That settles it! I wait here for that 
 scoundrel ! (He takes off his overcoat and sits down 
 to wait.) 
 
 Beatrice (Looking at FINLAYSON) I think I ll 
 go! 
 
 Finlayson Don t hurry away on my account. I 
 seem to be here for awhile; my wife may need a 
 chaperone! 
 
 Isabel (Spiritedly, with light sarcasm) Please 
 make yourselves at home! My duty as hostess 
 seems to have been quite taken out of my hands. I 
 think I shall leave you to manage the rest of this 
 affair as you consider best. ( The door R. suddenly 
 
ACT II 63 
 
 opens, MRS. PERRY, in dressing-gown and slippers, 
 appears on the threshold.) Mama! (ISABEL runs 
 to her.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry Did you call me, darling? 
 
 Isabel Why, no, mama. Don t you think you d 
 better go back? (MRS. PERRY insists upon coming 
 in. FINLAYSON assists her to the couch.) This is 
 Mr. Finlayson, mama. 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Surveying them all) Good-eve 
 ning, Mr. Finlayson. Where is Sydney? 
 
 Isabel He went away, mama. 
 
 Mrs. Perry And you let him go ? 
 
 Isabel Certainly. 
 
 Finlayson (Innocently) He is coming back to 
 morrow. 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Looking at ALLEN, who has risen) 
 Who is this gentleman? 
 
 Isabel Excuse me, mama; this is Mr. Allen. 
 
 Allen (Choking down his anger as best he can) 
 Good-evening, Mrs. Perry; pleased to meet you. 
 
 Mrs. Perry And I am particularly glad to meet 
 you. Now, I advise you to take your wife home 
 and have a little talk with her. She has been saying 
 a great many things which are not true, and had 
 much better be left unsaid. 
 
 Finlayson Few women show discretion in their 
 selection of things to be left unsaid. 
 
 Mrs. Perry I think many of your sex have the 
 same failing. (FINLAYSON is abashed.) Isabel, my 
 tatting, please. 
 
 Beatrice (Excitedly) That is just what I think, 
 Mrs. Perry! If you could have heard the things 
 my husband said to me before I came here this eve 
 ning! No wonder I was half-distracted. 
 
64 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen There you go again! If that crazy Dutch 
 man doesn t come soon, I ll go mad ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry (With a calming gesture) I am 
 sorry to be inhospitable, but 
 
 Isabel (Softly) Mama! Don t you think you d 
 better go and get your dress on? 
 
 Mrs. Perry My dear, there are other things 
 more important than a suitable costume. My daugh 
 ter s good name is one of them. 
 
 Finlayson (Overcome with contrition) Mrs. 
 Perry! What a confounded scoundrel I am! Let 
 me explain how 
 
 (The doorbell rings. ALL start.) 
 
 Beatrice Professor Staticmuller ! 
 
 (ISABEL answers the bell. FINLAYSON sinks back 
 into his chair resignedly. ALLEN adopts a "}ust let 
 me at him!" attitude. PARKER enters C. E.) 
 
 Finlayson Oh ! Sooner than I expected ! 
 
 Parker (Stiffly) I forgot my overcoat. I am 
 going out of town tomorrow, I shall probably need 
 it. 
 
 Isabel (Handing it to him) Here it is. 
 
 Mrs. Perry Sydney! 
 
 Parker Yes, Mrs. Perry? 
 
 Mrs . Perry A pleasant trip to you ! Do you 
 expect to be away long? 
 
 Parker (Hesitating) My plans are rather un 
 certain. Business er 
 
 Mrs. Perry (With quiet sarcasm) I often think 
 how convenient "business" is! 
 
 Finlayson Mrs. Perry! Business a convenience! 
 You are unkind. Business! It is our cruel task 
 master; we are its slaves. 
 
ACT II 65 
 
 (ALLEN grunts; BEATRICE makes a hysterical 
 sound.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Calmly tatting) One two three 
 
 four five loop . I never knew a man who 
 
 was its unwilling slave any more than I am to this 
 tatting shuttle ! One two three four five 
 loop. I tat because I like to. You men engage in 
 business because it is a fine, big, interesting game. 
 If you didn t like it you would all be planting beans 
 and potatoes in your back yards, and raising pigs and 
 other food for your families. 
 
 Isabel Mama ! 
 
 Finlayson Good ! Back to the soil, I say ! "In 
 the beginning" God planted a garden, and all those 
 things you mention must have been in it, Mrs. 
 Perry, although the historian doesn t so state. 
 
 Allen (Growling) There s a whole lot in that 
 Garden of Eden story that we poor ginks are left to 
 find out for ourselves. 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Politely) I didn t hear you, Mr. 
 Allen. 
 
 Finlayson Allen is something of a pessimist, 
 Mrs. Perry. Don t let him worry you. 
 
 (ALLEN subsides.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Placidly) Oh, I never allow 
 trifles to worry me! One two three four 
 
 five loop. One two And my opinion of 
 
 the relation of men to their business is of many 
 years standing, so he and Sydney do not bother me 
 in the least. One two three 
 
 Parker I m afraid I differ from you, Mrs. 
 Perry; but I have no arguments ready. Good 
 night. (He turns toward C. E.) 
 
66 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice Oh, Mr. Parker, if you are going my 
 way, may I go with you? 
 
 Parker Certainly, Mrs. Allen, with great pleas 
 ure. A little later I am going to drop in at the 
 Indoor Yacht Club meeting. 
 
 Allen Great Scott! I forgot all about that 
 meeting ! 
 
 Beatrice Earlier in the evening that meeting 
 was of the greatest importance, Mr. Parker; but 
 even more important matters seem to have come up 
 since then. Shall we go? 
 
 Parker (All confusion) Certainly. 
 
 (ALLEN starts after her.) 
 
 Beatrice (Witheringly) I believe you said you 
 were anticipating meeting Professor Staticmuller. 
 Don t let me take you away. Good-evening, every 
 body ! (She and PARKER go out C. E.) 
 
 (ALLEN looks about distractedly, then decides to 
 remain, and bounces down again in a chair L.) 
 
 Finlayson How things do work around after 
 all ! Here we are, waiting as though it had all been 
 prearranged, to meet the great apostle of freedom ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry (To ISABEL) Who is this they are 
 speaking of, dear? Are you expecting someone? 
 
 Isabel Oh, mama, it is most unexpected! For 
 some reason, I don t know what, Mrs. Finlayson 
 has directed Professor Staticmuller to meet her 
 here. I suppose they will be here at any moment. 
 
 Finlayson Great scheme of Jane s! Now we 
 can plan that husbands meeting! (ALLEN shifts 
 impatiently.) Everything is working right to our 
 hands, Ned. 
 
 Allen (Growling) I don t know what you are 
 talking about. 
 
ACT II 67 
 
 Mrs. Perry Dear me ! Another strange gentle 
 man coming! 
 
 Isabel (Meaningly) Perhaps it would be better 
 for you to er eh ? 
 
 Mrs. Perry Yes, indeed, I must put on my dress 
 again. (She lays aside her tatting, and rises, with 
 slight help from ISABEL.) 
 
 Isabel Will you excuse us for a few minutes, 
 please? If the doorbell rings would one of you 
 gentlemen kindly answer it? 
 
 F inlay son With pleasure. 
 
 (ALLEN nods abruptly. MRS. PERRY and ISABEL 
 go out R. The two men shift about for a time 
 without looking at each other, then gradually fix 
 one another with a long stare. FINLAYSON goes 
 off into a silent paroxysm of laughter. ALLEN mut 
 ters angrily.) 
 
 Finlayson (Breathless with laughter) See here, 
 Ned! 
 
 Allen Dry up! 
 
 Finlayson But man, you re a fool ! What do 
 you think you re doing? Don t you know that 
 
 Allen I know that I ve had enough of your tom 
 foolery. 
 
 Finlayson (Innocently) I? Tomfoolery? 
 
 Allen Yes you, you you! 
 
 (The doorbell rings; ALLEN starts up, then 
 checks himself, looking at FINLAYSON.) 
 
 Finlayson (Nonchalantly) After you! Don t 
 let me deprive you ! 
 
 Allen (Savagely) Open the door! If / do I ll 
 kick him downstairs! 
 
 (FINLAYSON. with mock haste, goes to the front 
 door. A high-pitched foreign voice is heard.) 
 
68 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Voice Mees Eesabel Perree? She lifs here? 
 
 Finlayson Yes. Good-evening. Walk right in. 
 
 (PROFESSOR STATICMULLER enters, followed by 
 FINLAYSON. The PROFESSOR is tall and foreiffn- 
 looking. One is not sure of his nationality. He 
 may be German, he may be Polish. Most likely he 
 is from Sweden. With rather pronounced, checked 
 clothes he wears a soft, flowing necktie. His whis 
 kers are long and aggressive; his eyes mild, evi 
 dently cultivating a "vision" of ^ fifty years hence.) 
 
 Professor S. Ah, you are der broder off der 
 young ladee, Miss Perree? 
 
 Finlayson (Cheerfully) Oh, no! Only a fam 
 ily friend. Allow me to buttle for you. 
 
 ProfessorS. (Puzzled) Eh? Vat s dat? 
 
 Finlayson To buttle, to valet hang it ! What 
 is it a footman does ? At any rate, let me take your 
 hat and coat. (Taking the PROFESSOR S coat) 
 
 Professor S. Oh, sairtainly, sairtainly! (Tak 
 ing off his overcoat) How you Americans make 
 der jokes! I do not der humor alvays onderstand. 
 
 Finlayson No? Same here! (Rattling on) 
 You have it then in your country. 
 
 Professor S. Haf vat, Mistair ? Pardon, 
 
 I haf not your name. 
 
 Finlayson My name is Rodney Finlayson ; yes, 
 Finlayson is my humble patronymic. Allow me to 
 introduce you to my friend, Allen. Mr. Allen, 
 Professor Staticmuller. 
 
 (ALLEN rises and nods forbiddingly.) 
 
 Professor S. How? You know my name al 
 ready? How comes dat? 
 
 Finlayson I happened to overhear Miss Perry 
 say that she expected you this evening. 
 
ACT II 69 
 
 Professor S. So? (To ALLEN) I haf pleasure 
 in meeting you, Mistair Allen. Your name, it 
 sounds to me familiare. Vere can I it haf heard? 
 Somewhere, I am sure. 
 
 Allen (Forcibly) And your name, Professor 
 Staticmuller, is familiar to me, very familiar. I 
 have been anxious to meet you. 
 
 Professor S. So? Den ve are veil met. (To 
 FINLAYSON) And you, Mistair? Your name also 
 I haf many times heard. Feen-lay-son ? Ah, I haf 
 it! It iss dee Madame Feenlayson who so often 
 to my classes comes, dat so charming ladee! Can it 
 be you are der fortunate husband off dat ladee ? 
 
 Finlayson (Nodding meekly) I am he! (He 
 casts his eyes ecstatically heavenward.) Also, I am 
 to have the honor, if you remember, of painting your 
 portrait. 
 
 Professor S. But, of course! How stupid am 
 I ! But dere iss so much to remember, Mistair, so 
 much! 
 
 Finlayson Yes, I imagine so; especially when 
 one remembers both backwards and forwards, as 
 you do ! 
 
 Professor S. (Puzzled) Eh? (To ALLEN) 
 And you? Ah, now I know! Dee charming little 
 blonde ladee who with Madame Feenlayson so 
 often comes! How stupid am I! You are der 
 husband off dat so intelligent ladee, yes? 
 
 Allen (Gruffly) My name is Edward Allen. 
 Probably Mrs. Allen has attended some of your 
 d er classes. As I said before, I have been wait 
 ing to meet you. 
 
 Professor S. (Genially) Ah, dat iss very agree 
 able! Let us now make friends. I am already so 
 
70 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 much der friend off dee so charming vifes. (He 
 seats himself , beaming.} 
 
 Allen (Menacingly) It all amounts to this. I m 
 not talking about making friends. I want to know 
 what business you have going about telling foolish 
 women what they are to do fifty years hence ! Now 
 is the time we ve got to live, right here and now. 
 While I am waiting for the next half century my 
 meals are getting cold, and home is all going hang! 
 (The PROFESSOR rises in consternation, his mild 
 eyes gradually becoming angry.) It s Professor said 
 this, and Professor said that, till I m dead sick of 
 the stuff. I ve just been waiting to run into you to 
 inform you that 
 
 Finlayson (Stepping between them) See here, 
 Ned, see here! I must again remind you that you 
 are not in your own home sanctum. You are in 
 the house of two peace-loving, unprotected ladies 
 
 Professor S. I do not onderstand dees, dees 
 shentleman, Mistair Feenlayson. Vat does he mean? 
 
 (ALLEN subsides, panting.) 
 
 Finlayson You must excuse his manner. When 
 Ned becomes really interested in any subject he 
 gets so excited that he forgets his manners. Now, 
 he and I are interested ; why, we are absorbed. 
 obsessed, by this wonderful new doctrine of yours! 
 It takes us right off our feet. We re all upset this 
 evening over it. That s the reason we re here. 
 
 Professor S. So? (He looks suspiciously at 
 ALLEN.) 
 
 Allen (Making a great effort to control hi?n- 
 self) Yes, that s the reason we are here. I heard 
 you were coming. I waited to meet you. 
 
ACT II 71 
 
 Professor S. I do not know vy I am here. Miss 
 Perree, iss she not home? 
 
 Finlayson Yes, oh, yes! She will be here in a 
 moment. 
 
 Professor S. The so charming Madame Feen- 
 layson, she haf invited me here to meet her. She 
 haf not said dat you vere to be here. Perhaps it 
 vas to surprise you dat 
 
 Finlayson Surprise ! Yes, that s it, a surprise all 
 round ! 
 
 Professor S. I haf so much hoped a meeding 
 for der shentlemens to arrange; der husbands off 
 dese so intelligent ladees. It iss not enough dat 
 I gif to dem der new ideas, it is necessary dat der 
 mens also shall dem hear. 
 
 Allen (Gruffly) What are all these ideas? Why 
 can t you tell them how to live right now? 
 
 Finlayson Yes, why jump us ahead at such a 
 rate? Life is speedy enough as it is. 
 
 Professor S. Der Americain humor I do not 
 onderstand qvick. Vat you mean "speedy"? 
 
 Finlayson I mean I want to live right now; 
 I don t want to live fifty years from now. 
 
 Professor S. Ah, now I onderstand! Dat iss 
 vat der mens say, der how you say? Der average 
 mens, you call him. He stay here (indicating 
 a certain spot on the floor) but dee ladees, ah 
 Gott, dee ladees ! Dey go so fast ! I tell dem 
 somedings, dey go qvick speedy! Dey believe 
 dey do! 
 
 Finlayson Yes, but the thing is, don t you see? 
 the average man wants the average woman to re 
 main somewhere within shouting distance. What 
 Mr. Allen means is, that if you speed the women 
 
72 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 up to such an extent, we ll soon lose sight of them 
 altogether, understand ? 
 
 Professor S. Lose sight? How you mean ? 
 
 Finlayson (Indicating the same spot that the 
 PROFESSOR did on the floor) Well, here s the aver 
 age man; that s me or we might even say it was 
 Ned Allen ! 
 
 Allen (Growling) You can leave me out of it. 
 
 Finlayson Just as you say. Here s me, then, 
 leading a nice, placid, comfortable life, unhampered 
 by doubts or problems of the future, secure in the 
 belief that Jane, although, of course, far above the 
 average woman, is here beside me. 
 
 Professor S. Jane ? Vat iss Jane ? 
 
 Finlayson Jane is who, Meinherr Professor. 
 Jane is Mrs. Feen lay son. 
 
 Professor S. Oh ! Pardon, Mr. Feenlayson ! 
 
 Finlayson Don t mention it! As I was saying, 
 and more grammatically, here am I, and here also, 
 presumably, is Jane. Suddenly I look up and dis 
 cover Jane away over yonder. (Indicating a dis 
 tant spot) I like existence right here she likes 
 it there. (Shrugging enquiringly) Now, what are 
 you going to do about it? 
 
 Professor S. Vat vill / do, Mistair? Dat iss 
 not der question. Vat vill you do? She vill call, 
 you vill go qvick, speedy also! 
 
 Finlayson (Lazily) But I like it here, see? I 
 love it! I d rather call Jane back "qvick, speedy!" 
 
 Professor S. (Smiling in a superior way) You 
 are truly der average mens, Mistair Feenlayson. 
 (Turning to ALLEN) And you you t ink dees 
 vay also? 
 
 Allen yes, and your way is all foolishness, 
 
ACT II 73 
 
 damned foolishness, do you hear? (FiNLAYSON tries 
 to restrain him without success.) You re going 
 around breaking up homes with your cursed philoso 
 phy. (Indicating FINLAYSON) Why, here s my 
 best friend 
 
 (ISABEL enters R. ALLEN subsides.) 
 
 Finlayson Miss Perry, allow me to introduce 
 my friend, Professor Staticmuller. 
 
 Isabel I m glad to meet you, Professor Static 
 muller. Won t you sit down? 
 
 Professor S. (Bowing) I am most happy, Mees 
 Perree. 
 
 (ALL sit.) 
 
 Finlayson The Professor says that Mrs. Finlay 
 son has an appointment here with him. Such a 
 natural, friendly little arrangement of Jane s! It s 
 just my good luck to be here ! 
 
 Professor S. Myself, I hope it iss aboud der 
 meeding she plans for der shentlemens. 
 
 Isabel (Nervously) Yes, I think that must be 
 it. Why not talk about it now, and have it all 
 arranged before Mrs. Finlayson comes? It will be 
 a nice surprise for her. 
 
 Professor S. It vill do me great pleasure to so 
 arrange, if der shentlemens 
 
 Finlayson I think we d better wait. I never 
 like to interfere with any of Jane s plans. 
 
 Professor S. Ah, you see? Der very first step 
 in der new regime to interfere not ! 
 
 Finlayson But I never did. That s not new to 
 me. 
 
 Professor S. Den you haf my compliments. Dat 
 iss vone great step in der new vay. 
 
 Finlayson Oh, I like to keep step with the pro- 
 
74 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 cession as much as anybody, and listen to the music 
 of the band, even if there is a lot of brass about it ! 
 The trouble is, no one ever notices me in the crowd ; 
 I m not spectacular enough. 
 
 A Hen (Growling} You can talk more nonsense 
 in a minute than any fool I ever knew. Well, I 
 don t seem to be advancing matters any toward that 
 new period we re so much "obsessed" by, so I guess 
 I ll go. 
 
 Professor S. I am sorry. I fear you do not 
 my object comprehend. I 
 
 Isabel (Going to ALLEN) Mr. Allen, I am 
 so sorry all this incomprehensible mistake has oc 
 curred. 
 
 Allen It s all a huge mess, Miss Perry. Why 
 didn t you tell Sydney Parker right out about that 
 note of recommendation? 
 
 Isabel Sydney needs punishing. He was too 
 ready to suspect me. Why. it s the most absurd 
 thing! I can hardly believe it of him. 
 
 Allen I can hardly believe it of anybody. 
 
 Isabel Please go home and have a good talk with 
 Mrs. Allen, and clear it all up. Mr. Finlayson 
 can help you, I am sure. 
 
 Finlayson Am I dismissed too? I have to wait 
 for my wife. I can t see what she s doing all this 
 time. I hope she s not holding up traffic! 
 
 Isabel I d much rather you would stay until 
 she comes. 
 
 Professor S. Trust Providence she vill soon 
 come. 
 
 Finlayson Oh, it s all well enough to trust 
 Providence, but there s no sense in Jane s putting 
 herself in a hole for Providence to pull her out of! 
 
ACT II 75 
 
 Allen That s the first sane speech out of your 
 mouth tonight. Women are always getting them 
 selves into holes, serenely banking on some mas 
 culine Providence to help them out! 
 
 Isabel Oh, Mr. Allen, what an ungallant 
 speech ! 
 
 Allen Well, it s true, with few exceptions, Miss 
 Perry. 
 
 Professor S. Dat iss vat ve discuss in dose so 
 interesting meedings. Dee ladies, yes, yust now 
 dey are so ovaircome mit der der enthusiasm, dey 
 fall in dose holes of vich you truly speak. But 
 dere vill come a change fifty years hence 
 
 (There is an unintelligible growl from ALLEN.) 
 
 Isabel (Hastily) Yes, yes, times are changing 
 rapidly. We all feel it we 
 
 Finlayson (Solemnly) It is for this reason we 
 men must not hold back. We are delaying traffic, 
 spiritual and mental traffic, just as surely as your 
 
 taxi wheel, by its obstinacy in holding onto 
 
 (He finishes with a cough, and goes into a paroxysm 
 of silent laughter.) 
 
 Allen Oh, rot! I m going, Miss Perry. I m a 
 bear good-night. (He starts for C. E. A loud 
 ring is heard at the front door.) Jane! 
 
 Isabel It must be Mrs. Finlayson. 
 
 (She goes out C. E. and re-enters, showing in 
 JANE. The latter is suave and cordial, talking with 
 ISABEL as she enters.) 
 
 Jane Why, yes, Miss Perry, I knew you would 
 pardon this liberty of arranging a meeting at your 
 house. I felt sure you would understand. 
 
 Isabel (With meaning)^ Yes, indeed! There 
 are several gentlemen waiting here to meet you! 
 
76 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Jane Several? (With pretended surprise) 
 Why, Rodney! Whatever in the world! Well, 
 I never! (The PROFESSOR has risen ceremonious 
 ly.) It was terribly good of you to give me some 
 of your precious time, Professor; I appreciate it, 
 I assure you. (Shaking hands with him) Well, 
 Ned, I suppose it was to be expected to find you 
 here, but I am so dense, I er 
 
 Isabel (Haughtily) I believe you have some de 
 tails to arrange with Professor Staticmuller about a 
 meeting ? 
 
 Jane Yes, that is the object of my coming here. 
 I knew Miss Perry would be interested ; am I right ? 
 ( Cordially ) You have shown such aptitude in apply 
 ing the rules of life which the dear Professor has 
 been instilling into us the last few months, that 
 I 
 
 Isabel In what way have I ? 
 
 Allen Oh, Lord, now the women are off! 
 
 Finlayson (Interrupting) It was suggested that 
 as several of the husbands supposedly interested in 
 the proposed meeting were already providentially 
 here, we might go ahead and arrange matters; but 
 that would have been so contrary to the ways of 
 our household, Jane, that I naturally felt a hesitancy 
 about interfering with any of your plans. Incident 
 ally I received a good mark in the Professor s books. 
 How about that, Professor? Do you work on the 
 honor system? Will I get a picture card or some 
 thing before long, for credits? 
 
 Professor S. (Utterly bewildered) Eh? So? 
 Indeed, yes, my picture, I haf forgot! It iss indeed 
 an honor! 
 
 Jane Don t be silly, Rod. May I sit down? 
 
ACT II 77 
 
 Miss Perry, do pardon my being the cause of all 
 this fuss! I never dreamed of anything more than 
 a cozy little chat, just the three of us! 
 
 Isabel Certainly, Mrs. Finlayson. May I take 
 your coat? (She takes JANE S coat and lays it 
 aside.) Will you excuse me a moment? (She goes 
 out R.) 
 
 (ALL sit except ALLEN.) 
 
 Allen I d like to state right here that I m not 
 in sympathy with any movement that causes scenes 
 such as occurred at my house this evening; and as 
 far as Mrs. Allen and I are concerned, there shall 
 be no more interest taken in it. 
 
 Jane Speak for yourself, Ned ; let Beatrice settle 
 her own affairs. 
 
 Finlayson Yes, don t hold up the traffic, Ned! 
 
 Allen (Turning on him fiercely) Her affairs are 
 mine. 
 
 Jane Oh, I don t understand ! I thought you 
 had quite decided on a change. 
 
 Finlayson So he has, Jane; but under the present 
 law, you know, until 
 
 Allen No such thing! You know perfectly 
 well that you, with your damned foolishness, caused 
 all this 
 
 Finlayson Tut, tut, man, calm yourself ! 
 
 Jane Remember Mrs. Perry! 
 
 Professor S. (Bewildered, and becoming impa 
 tient at the delay) Could ve not decide dat matter 
 later, Madame, and arrange now our so important 
 meeding? 
 
 Jane Yes, let us settle that first. If we do 
 decide on the change discussed earlier in the evening, 
 this meeting is very important, because you men 
 
78 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 must study the subject. Where and when, those are 
 the first things to decide. Do sit down, Ned, and 
 be quiet! (Curiosity holds ALLEN; he sits.) Let 
 us have it as soon as possible. 
 
 Finlayson That s what I say. 
 
 Jane In a week or ten days at latest. I ll do a 
 lot of telephoning, and I ll get some other women 
 to help. I d like to offer you the use of our, er 
 studio-living-room, but aside from its not being large 
 enough to hold the crowd we hope to get together, 
 there are other reasons. (Consciously) 
 
 Professor S. A hall vould be der best for der 
 crowd. 
 
 Finlayson Oh, you expect a crowd, do you? 
 
 Professor S. Indeed yes ! Alvays dey crowd to 
 der doors. 
 
 Jane I should say they do! They stand in 
 line 
 
 Allen A sucker having been born every minute! 
 
 Jane (With a withering glance} And this being 
 a husbands meeting; 
 
 Finlayson Is it to be strictly confined to legal 
 escorts ? 
 
 (ALLEN grunts.) 
 
 Jane I should be more accurate. Let us call 
 it a men s meeting; that is, especially planned for 
 men, although all the women will be there. 
 
 Finlayson All the women? Christopher! 
 
 Jane Oh, you know what I mean! And if we 
 find we are going to have too big a crowd some of 
 the women can stay at home; but we want all 
 the men. 
 
 ProfessorS. (Complacently) Yes, all der mens. 
 But, you, dear ladee, you must be dere. 
 
 
ACT II 79 
 
 Jane Of course I shall have to be there, being, 
 as it were, the manager. (The PROFESSOR bows 
 gallantly.} Why, Professor, I was one of the very 
 first in your classes here, wasn t I? I remember 
 Mrs. Allen heard of you very soon after you ar 
 rived in town. 
 
 Professor S. It vas indeed my very great pleas 
 ure to so soon meet Madame. 
 
 Jane And now just think! With the won 
 derful enlightenment you have given us we are 
 able to face any emergency with advanced knowl 
 edge and courage. 
 
 Finlayson (Beginning to be proud of JANE) I 
 wish you d told me something about these meetings 
 before, Jane. We might have worked together 
 along these lines, instead of secretly, blindly, as it 
 were. 
 
 Jane Very true, Rod; I wish I had. But we 
 cannot turn back now; we must go on; isn t that so, 
 Professor? (He agrees.) When we find out our 
 mistakes we must immediately remedy them, if pos 
 sible. Let yesterday be forgotten all is change, 
 change, change! 
 
 (FINLAYSON and ALLEN watch her with grow 
 ing astonishment.) 
 
 Professor S. (Mechanically) Indeed, yes! All 
 iss change, change, change. 
 
 Jane And in that change, Professor, in the so- 
 called upward march of the human race, you have 
 shown us that the NEW MAN and the NEW WO 
 MAN are not now journeying along the same path, 
 but 
 
 Professor S. (Eagerly) Yes, yes, it iss so, I 
 said! 
 
8o TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Jane (Slanting the tips of her fingers together) 
 They are climbing a mountain like this, on opposite 
 sides, the majority of them. By and by they will 
 meet again. Just now a few are journeying on 
 together, like you and me, eh? seeing the new 
 path, and trying to light the way for others! 
 
 Professor S. Ve now see der new vay, you and 
 I. Indeed, yes, ve hold her light on high ! 
 
 Jane (Striking a pose) "Liberty lighting the 
 world!" 
 
 Professor S. (Forgetting all about FINLAYSON 
 and ALLEN, he approaches JANE, gesticulating as 
 though on the lecture platform.) Ah, dear ladee, 
 you so lif vat iss my ideal! Yes, noding but change! 
 You are going on ahead, you, and 77 It iss dee 
 voman who vill lead. In her hand she holds all 
 der years to come. Der man, he vill come after. 
 Some time she vill need him den, she peeck him 
 up ! Ven she not need him she vill she vill put 
 him down! He iss off small account in der grand 
 scheme. She iss how you say it? der "whole 
 show"! 
 
 Jane Oh, Professor, Professor! The respon 
 sibility will be too great. The majority are not 
 ready to take up this wonderful life. 
 
 Professor S. Patience, my dear ladee ! Vid such 
 as you to lead, many vill soon be ready. (He 
 kisses her hand.) 
 
 (ALLEN and FINLAYSON are filled with conster 
 nation. MRS. PERRY and ISABEL enter R. MRS. 
 PERRY is dressed as at first.) 
 
 Isabel Mother, this is Mrs. Finlayson. 
 
 Mrs. Perry I am glad to meet you, Mrs. Fin- 
 
ACT II 8 1 
 
 layson. Of course I have often heard my daughter 
 speak of you. 
 
 Jane Yes, Mrs. Perry; and I of you. May I 
 introduce Professor Staticmuller? 
 
 Professor S. (flowing low over MRS. PERRY S 
 hand) It iss my great pleasure, Madame, to meet 
 you. 
 
 Mrs. Perry Good-evening, Professor. You 
 won t mind my not pronouncing your name, will 
 you? I find foreign names very difficult to remem 
 ber. Where did I leave my tatting, Isabel? 
 
 Professor S. Sairtainly not, Madame. My 
 name, it iss too long, I admit. 
 
 Isabel Here it is, mama. (Giving her mother 
 the tatting) 
 
 (MRS. PERRY sits on the couch.) 
 
 Professor S. Dat vill be vone off der t ings in 
 der new life ve vill change der too long vords, 
 der too long names. Ve vill haf dem more short. 
 It will make life more easy. 
 
 Isabel Mother will thank you for that, at least, 
 Professor. It is very difficult for her to remember 
 names. (Turning to JANE) Well, have you come 
 to any conclusion about your meeting? Couldn t I 
 help you get out your notices? 
 
 Finlayson (Aside to ALLEN) She s a good sport. 
 (ALLEN grunts.) 
 
 Jane Oh, I couldn t think of troubling you! 
 Your time is full enough as it is. 
 
 Isabel I ll have my typewriter brought home to 
 morrow, so I shall be able to write some notices 
 for you very easily. 
 
 Jane Have your typewriter brought home ! 
 
82 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Why, what will Mr. Finlayson do without you? 
 Rod, do you hear that? 
 
 Finlayson Yes, it s percolating. I hope Isabel 
 doesn t mean that. 
 
 Allen See here, Miss Perry, I protest! 
 
 Isabel There is nothing else to be done after 
 this evening s conversation. 
 
 Mrs. Perry I prefer that my daughter should 
 discontinue the regular hours spent in your house 
 hold, Mr. er Mr. 
 
 Isabel Finlayson, mama. 
 
 Mrs. Perry Finlayson. She may take orders 
 for work at home. One two three four five 
 loop. One two 
 
 (ALLEN shifts about uneasily.} 
 
 Finlayson But your art lessons, you must not 
 give up those. 
 
 (ISABEL shrugs deprecatingly.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry My daughter will have something 
 more important than art to consider in the next 
 few months. One two three four five loop. 
 (Turning to the PROFESSOR) She is about to be 
 married. 
 
 Isabel Mama ! Professor Staticmuller is not in 
 terested in our affairs. 
 
 Professor S. Indeed yes! Your affairs to me 
 mean life. All iss off interest. It comes it goes 
 all iss change. 
 
 Mrs. Perry I suppose the Professor is a very 
 busy man. My daughter tells me you are a lec 
 turer. One two three four five loop. One 
 two th ree 
 
 Professof S. Yes, Madame, dat iss my so humble 
 occupation. 
 
ACT II 83 
 
 Mrs. Perry That must be very interesting. 
 Have you any special topic? 
 
 Professor S. Madame, my subject comes at der 
 time I speak. Anyt ing and eferyt ing iss my topeec. 
 Today I say vone t ing, tomorrow it iss all changed. 
 Feefty years from now 
 
 Finlayson (Sauntering up to him) That little 
 word "change" appears to be the keynote of your 
 whole subject, Professor. 
 
 Jane Shuh! I m sure the Professor is in a 
 hurry, Rod ; and we haven t yet decided on the time 
 and place. Suppose we say a week from Monday 
 evening? (The PROFESSOR consults his note-book, 
 and nods.) There s never much going on, on a 
 Monday. 
 
 Mrs. Perry When I was a girl we were always 
 rather tired on a Monday evening somehow. One 
 two three 
 
 Finlayson Sort of "pick-up day after Sunday," 
 I suppose? 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Pleased) Yes, and then the wash 
 ing. 
 
 Isabel Mother, dear, times have changed since 
 then. 
 
 Finlayson Changed indeed! (Descriptively) 
 Nowadays a pair of silk stockings on the radiator, 
 a pocket handkerchief or two on the window-pane 
 (airily) there you are! The rest to Japan or 
 France ! 
 
 Jane Rodney! I wish you would keep quiet! 
 
 Finlayson My dear Jane, / didn t begin it. 
 (He continues talking with MRS. PERRY.) 
 
 Professor S. (Bewildered) Yes, all all iss 
 change. 
 
84 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen (Aside to JANE) Say, can t that chump 
 say anything else ? 
 
 Jane You and Rod are both so impatient. 
 You re in great need of the chastening influence 
 of this very meeting we are planning. 
 
 Allen Then, for heaven s sake, get it planned f 
 
 Jane One week from Monday, then, Professor. 
 And about the place, I don t believe the present 
 hall will be large enough, do you ? 
 
 Professor S. I fear not indeed. 
 
 Jane I shall just have to go about and look 
 at a few halls, because on such short notice we may 
 have trouble finding one. (They continue aside.) 
 
 Allen (To ISABEL, indicating JANE and the 
 PROFESSOR) Believe me, this sort of thing won t 
 get any help from me. Now, once more, I m going. 
 Don t stop me! 
 
 Isabel (Teasing) To the important meeting? 
 
 Allen (Gruffly) Yes. I ve missed the direc 
 tors meeting, but I guess I d better put in an ap 
 pearance at the rest of it. Good-night, folks. Mrs. 
 Perry, I 
 
 Jane Oh, wait a minute Ned, it s all arranged! 
 I m going now with Professor Staticmuller down 
 to the hall. My choice is made, but I must make 
 some arrangements. 
 
 Professor S. Yes, the choice of Madame Feen- 
 layson iss made. (Bowing to MRS. PERRY and 
 ISABEL) Ladees, I salute you. My very good 
 night. 
 
 M" -, Perry \ Good-night. 
 Isabel 
 
 Finlayson I hope you ve made a good choice of 
 
ACT II 85 
 
 a hall. Those draughty old seance places don t ap 
 peal to me. 
 
 Jane Our choice is always a wise one, isn t it, 
 Professor? (Holding out her coat for him to assist 
 her) 
 
 Professor S. (Assisting her) Indeed, yes, Ma 
 dame. Your choice is mine. (He bows elabor 
 ately.) 
 
 Jane In matters more important than halls, is 
 it not? 
 
 Professor S. (Floridly) In all matters, Ma 
 dame. (Holding open the door) After you, 
 Madame. 
 
 j ane No, I believe your overcoat is in the hall. 
 Will you get it? I will follow. Please hurry! 
 (He goes out C. E.) One last word, good people. 
 (Addressing FINLAYSON and ALLEN pointedly) 
 "All is change, change, change," as my dear Pro 
 fessor says. (Quoting gaily) "I hold the future 
 in my hand. I lead, he will follow!" Perhaps it 
 will surprise you, but because I am the last of our 
 quartette to divulge my plans, is no reason that I 
 have not fully decided on them. (Looking out into 
 the hall admiringly, then at FINLAYSON) The 
 Professor, apostle of the new era, is my next choice! 
 (Carelessly) I ll be home in an hour or so to talk 
 it over. Good-by now. Ready, Professor? (She 
 goes out, smiling.) 
 
 (The front door is heard to close. The Two 
 MEN look at each other, aghast. ISABEL and MRS. 
 PERRY are bewildered. FINLAYSON starts toward 
 C. E. ALLEN looks at him, then dashes out into 
 the hall. ISABEL goes to the door C. then looks 
 back at FINLAYSON.) 
 
86 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Isabel What did she mean? 
 
 Finlayson {All his gay humor gone) God 
 knows ! 
 
 Allen (Heard shouting from the front door) 
 Jane ! Jane ! 
 
 Finlayson (Going to C. E.) Ned! Quit that! 
 You won t do any good with all that noise. You ll 
 have an officer here. 
 
 Allen (Returning excitedly) Well, what s the 
 matter with the world anyhow! Everything has 
 gone wrong from the minute I entered my own 
 door tonight. 
 
 Isabel (Gfavely) I think it began to go wrong 
 earlier than that. 
 
 Mrs. Perry I don t know what you are all talk 
 ing about. One two three four five loop. 
 One two three 
 
 (FINLAYSON is completely dazed. He sits L.) 
 
 Allen It s a rotten world, Mrs. Perry, if you ll 
 excuse my English ! See here, Fin, old man, that s 
 all just a nightmare. (Jerking his thumb toward 
 C. E.) That can t be real, you know. 
 
 Finlayson Then I wish you d waken me. (Ris 
 ing and staggering slightly) I must go after her. 
 (ALLEN catches hold of him.) Here, let me go, 
 Ned! 
 
 Allen If anybody goes, I do ! You weren t born 
 to fight, Fin. If there s any smashing to be done, 
 let me tend to it! 
 
 Isabel Couldn t it be don t you think it s all 
 a joke? 
 
 Finlayson No, Jane s too serious for that. I 
 never knew her to jest about such matters. That 
 
ACT II 87 
 
 scoundrel has turned her head. But Jane Jane! 
 And that er that (Smiting his chest) Do 
 I / seem to you the inferior of that that Oh, 
 Christopher! (He sinks back in his chair.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Going to him hurriedly) I m 
 afraid you are ill, Mr. er ? 
 
 Finlayson (Smiling ruefully up at her) Fool* 
 ingson, Mrs. Perry. Did you ever see a double* 
 dyed idiot? Here s one! 
 
 Mrs. Perry Oh, I m sure you underrate your 
 self, Mr. Foo 
 
 Isabel Finlayson, mama. 
 
 Mrs. Perry Perhaps a little of your hot coffee, 
 Isabel, might be good for him. 
 
 Isabel-Yes, shall I ? 
 
 Allen Take some, Fin. 
 
 Finlayson Nonsense! I m all right. Thanks 
 just the same. I ll toddle along in a few minutes 
 and be ready for them when they come home. 
 
 (The telephone rings; ISABEL answers.) 
 
 Isabel (At phone) Hello! Yes, this is Oak 
 1259 What? Why, yes, bring her right up here 
 again. Oh, I m so sorry! Good-by. (She hangs 
 up.) Another mishap! That was Sydney. He 
 says Mrs. Allen has turned her ankle, and is in 
 great pain. He thought he would better bring her 
 back here; it s nearer than going home. 
 
 Allen Damn! (He goes out C. E.) 
 
 Finlayson (Listlessly, still lying back in his 
 chair) I suppose she got into one of those "Provi 
 dential holes!" Where are they? 
 
 Isabel Just down at the corner. They ve been 
 a long time getting there! 
 
88 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson Well, of all the chumps, we re the 
 limit ! Coming here and upsetting your peaceful 
 home like this! 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Reseating herself on the couch) 
 Oh, don t worry about that ! Isabel, you d better 
 look up some bandages, and see if we have some 
 liniment. 
 
 Isabel Yes, indeed. (She goes out R.) 
 
 Finlayson Ned shouldn t bring her in here. He 
 should get her into a taxi and take her right home, 
 or into the nearest drug-store; but when Ned loses 
 his head there s no telling what he will do. 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Philosophically) Yhty are all 
 about alike, I find! 
 
 Finlayson Same old Adam, eh, Mrs. Perry, 
 whether this fifty years or next? 
 
 Mrs. Perry Yes. Besides, there are no taxis, 
 or drug-stores, either, in this immediate neighbor 
 hood. One two three four five loop. One 
 
 two three Oh, dear me! I ve knotted my 
 
 thread! (She becomes absorbed in disentangling 
 it.) _ 
 
 Finlayson What a tragedy! 
 
 (ISABEL enters R. with bandages, cotton, lini 
 ment, et cetera.) 
 
 Isabel I haven t much on hand, and I m not a 
 trained nurse. Don t you think we d better tele 
 phone for a doctor? 
 
 Finlayson No, indeed ! I protest. We have al 
 ready disturbed you enough. I shall insist on Ned s 
 taking her home as soon as we have made her com 
 fortable. If I hadn t been so dazed when the tele 
 phone call came I would have gone right off with 
 Ned. 
 
ACT II 89 
 
 Isabel (Timidly) I wish I could do something 
 for you, Mr. Finlayson. I I don t know what 
 to say. 
 
 Finlayson Never mind, I know you re a good 
 friend. I m simply all in. I don t know what to 
 think. 
 
 Isabel I m sure there s a mistake somewhere, al 
 though it certainly looked 
 
 Finlayson (Forlornly) Yes, it did! It strikes 
 me all of a heap. I ve taken things too much for 
 granted; this is my reward. 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Who has been deep in the untying 
 of the knot, but has succeeded) One two three 
 four five loop. I don t understand why your 
 wife left so hurriedly, Mr. Fin Finlayson. 
 
 Finlayson (Pacing up and down) Neither do I, 
 Mrs. Perry. 
 
 Mrs. Perry Young women are very independ 
 ent nowadays. I do not pretend to understand 
 them. It was all so different when I was a girl. 
 I fear I belong to another age. 
 
 Isabel (At the table, making the cotton into little 
 pads) Now you have mother started on her fa 
 vorite topic, Mr. Finlayson. (There is a ring at 
 the doorbell.) Here they are! 
 
 Finlayson Let me go. (He goes out C. E. 
 Several persons are heard to enter the hall. FIN 
 LAYSON and ALLEN come in, supporting BEATRICE, 
 who is moaning.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry Put her right here on the couch. 
 There there! I m sure it hurts very much. 
 
 Beatrice Oh ! Ouch ! Boys, walk slower ! 
 Ouch! Ned, dont! Can t you see you re killing 
 
 me 
 
90 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen (Much troubled) Yes, deary. There 
 now there you are! 
 
 (BEATRICE sinks down on the couch.) 
 
 Finlayson Brace up, Bee. It may not be so 
 bad. 
 
 Beatrice (Clutching his hand, and holding it) 
 Oh, Rodney! 
 
 Finlayson (Very uncomfortable) It s all right, 
 Bee; it s all right. 
 
 Beatrice No it isn t. Oh Oh everything s 
 all wrong! 
 
 Finlayson I agree with you, but howling doesn t 
 help matters. Seems to be a habit in your family, 
 to shriek over everything. 
 
 Beatrice I ll I ll try not to if you ask me 
 not to! 
 
 Allen (Turning away abruptly, to ISABEL) 
 May I use your phone? 
 
 Isabel Certainly. 
 
 Mrs. Perry (At back of couch, holding BEA 
 TRICE S hand) Come Isabel, loosen her shoe. That 
 will relieve her. 
 
 (ISABEL starts to comply.) 
 
 Allen (At the telephone) Hello! Give me 
 Pine 3258 Hello! Taxi cabs? Send me a machine 
 right away. To er (To ISABEL) Say, what s 
 the number here? 
 
 (ISABEL hastens to him; their voices drop.) 
 
 Beatrice (To MRS. PERRY) Oh, make them 
 both stay away ! I just want you and Rodney ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry Why, my dear, surely your hus 
 band is the proper person to 
 
 Finlayson (Quietly, beginning to unlace one of 
 BEATRICE S shoes) Here s where I shine as a shoe 
 
ACT II 91 
 
 expert. Ahem ! These are too close a fit, Madame. 
 Now, if you had come to me in the first place I 
 would have recommended a longer shoe, and pos 
 sibly one a trifle wider. 
 
 Mrs. Perry Why, I thought you were an ar 
 tist, Mr. Finlayson! 
 
 Finlayson Does anything make you doubt it, 
 Mrs. Perry? 
 
 Mrs. Perry I m sure you talk just like a shoe- 
 clerk. 
 
 Isabel (Inclined to laugh) Mama! 
 
 Allen (Determinedly pushing FINLAYSON aside) 
 Sorry to disturb you, Fin, but this is my job. 
 (From now on surprise helps BEATRICE to forget 
 her ankle, which is not badly sprained after all. 
 ALLEN removes her shoe.) Good Lord, these high- 
 heeled freaks! No wonder they threw you. 
 
 Beatrice Ouch ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry There there! Isabel, run and get 
 my salts off the bureau. 
 
 (ISABEL goes out R. and returns with the salts.) 
 
 Allen We re not going to put these people to 
 any more trouble than we can help. Just let me 
 have some of that cloth bandage, whatever you 
 call it, Miss Perry. We ll wrap it around this in 
 jured member to keep it warm, and wait till we 
 get home to fix it up. 
 
 Isabel I have liniment right here, Mr. Allen. 
 
 Allen You re very good, but we ve already 
 bothered you enough. 
 
 Finlayson This is one of the moments which 
 puts one s sense of humor to the test. 
 
 (ISABEL is overcome with half -hysterical gig 
 gling.) 
 
92 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice What s the matter? (Looking about 
 vaguely) Where is Mr. Parker? Didn t he come 
 in? 
 
 Allen (Shortly) No! He suddenly remem 
 bered another engagement. He seemed only too 
 glad to beat it. There now! (Tying the bandage 
 with a flourish) That s all right. Feel pretty 
 good now? 
 
 Beatrice (Nods mournfully) Yes, I I think 
 so. 
 
 Allen Well, keep on thinking so, old lady! 
 What s the matter with your think-tank? Start 
 it working! 
 
 Beatrice It s all very well for you to talk when 
 you re quite comfortable! 
 
 Mrs. Perry I don t understand how the accident 
 happened. You were near here? 
 
 Beatrice (Breathlessly) Yes! We started to 
 walk home, and and we stopped over there in 
 the park, and sat on a bench to talk things over. 
 
 Finlayson An extremely dangerous proceeding ! 
 Park benches are known to throw persons on the 
 slightest provocation ! 
 
 Beatrice (With a withering look) We were 
 talking, as I said, and and (with a defiant loo& 
 at ALLEN) I was sitting on my foot, as I often do, 
 and when I got up oh, dear, there s another 
 twinge ! 
 
 Allen Well, if your Professor Statistician could 
 eliminate that habit, I d take off my hat to him! 
 
 Beatrice (Half sobbing) You re just as mean 
 as you can be! (Squeezing her damp handker 
 chief, and looking about for someone) Where is 
 Jane? 
 
ACT II 93 
 
 Mrs. Perry Dear me, I must lend you a clean 
 handkerchief! (She goes out hastily R.) 
 
 Beatrice If you would be so kind! I said, 
 where is Jane? I thought you expected her here. 
 
 (ALL look at each other.) 
 
 Allen Jane? Oh, yes, she was here! 
 
 Isabel She s gone. 
 
 Beatrice Well, she was in a great hurry! 
 (Looking from one to the other) What s the mat 
 ter? What makes you all so queer? You re 
 keeping something from me. 
 
 Allen Well the truth is er, shall I tell her, 
 Fin? 
 
 F * inlay son (With his back to them, teetering back 
 and forth) Oh, yes, spit it out! 
 
 Allen (Excitedly, but careful, at the same time, 
 of BEATRICE S feelings) She s gone off with that 
 blooming Professor of yours. That s what she s 
 done. 
 
 Beatrice (Aghast) Not Jane? Jane? 
 
 Allen Yes, Jane! She stood right there in 
 that doorway, and told us he was her choice, not 
 fifteen minutes ago. Now come along home! 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Entering* with a clean handker 
 chief) Here s a nice, clean handkerchief for you, 
 my dear, and I put just a dash of violet on it. 
 
 Beatrice (Completely dazed) Thank you > 
 Jane! 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Surprised, to the others) She s a 
 bit upset, a trifle hysterical, I suspect. You d best 
 get her to bed as soon as possible. 
 
 (A taxi horn is heard outside.) 
 
 Allen There we are! Come along, Fin; give 
 us a hand, will you? (They assist BEATRICE. She 
 
94 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 is so overcome by surprise that pain seems to have 
 left her.) Easy now! All right, Bee? (She nods.) 
 Aren t you going to say good-night to these kind 
 ladies? 
 
 Beatrice (Faintly) Good-night. Thank you. 
 
 (MRS. PERRY and ISABEL follow them to the 
 door, C.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry Good-night. I do hope it isn t 
 serious. 
 
 Allen (Airily) Oh, she ll be all right after a 
 good night s sleep ! 
 
 Beatrice (Indignantly) Ouch! Oh, do be care 
 ful, Ned! I m sure I m in for a siege. 
 
 Allen (Abruptly) A thousand thanks to you, 
 ladies. Good-night. 
 
 (fie picks BEATRICE up in his arms and carries 
 her out moaning.) 
 
 Finlayson (Indicating the departing couple) 
 Between you and Providence you ve pulled them 
 out of a hole. 
 
 Isabel (Holding out her hand to him) Good 
 night. And don t forget the advice you gave me 
 earlier in the evening, "sense of humor, you know; 
 sense of humor!" 
 
 Finlayson (Shaking her hand) I need it! Good 
 night. (He goes out C. E.) 
 
 (ISABEL follows him into the hall. The outer 
 door is heard to close. MRS. PERRY goes out C. 
 to right.) 
 
 Isabel (Re-entering, goes slowly to the couch, 
 and sits, looking reflectively into space, murmurs) 
 "A sense of humor?" Is it worth it? "A sense 
 of humor?" 
 
ACT II 95 
 
 (MRS. PERRY enters C. carrying a small tray 
 holding ISABEL S dinner.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry Here s your dinner, dear. 
 
 Isabel (Springing up) Oh mother, why will 
 you spoil me so? (She brings a tiny table, places 
 it near the couch; MRS. PERRY puts the tray upon 
 it. They sit.) 
 
 Airs. Perry Well, I d like to know who would 
 if I didn t! (ISABEL slowly begins to eat. MRS. 
 PERRY resumes her tatting.) One two three 
 four five loop. One two three 
 
 Isabel (Impulsively) Oh, mother dear! If 
 that is marriage, I don t think I ll try it ! 
 
 (They are in each others arms as the Curtain 
 falls.) 
 
ACT III 
 
 SCENE: The same as Act I, ten minutes later. 
 TAD is discovered curled up on the couch R., 
 asleep. He is barefoot, and in pajamas. Every 
 now and then a sob escapes him. Beside him 
 on the couch are a woman s nightgown, a 
 mans suit of pajamas, some books, newspa 
 pers, sticks, stones, several bricks and other 
 miscellaneous articles which he has evidently 
 gathered together. BONG is seen to go up 
 stair, then descend again rapidly, enter the 
 living-room, look about. When he sees TAD 
 he gives a gesture and grunt of relief. TAD 
 is disturbed, wakens, and begins to cry.) 
 Bong Aw, what mailer you? You no cly. 
 Tad Mama ! Mommer-r-r-r ! 
 Bong She no home. She come soon. You come 
 upstairs, allee same go bed. Your mama, she^come 
 soon. 
 
 Tad I m co-o-old boo-hoo! I want my daddy 
 and my mommer-r-r! 
 
 Bong You stop cly. I get bad man after you, 
 he kill you ! 
 
 Tad Oh, I ll be good, I ll be good ! 
 Bong (Noticing the articles on the couch) 
 What you do? What for you bling all stones, 
 
 sticks 
 
 96 
 
ACT III 97 
 
 Tad (Becoming interested) Shuh ! You 
 mustn t tell! I m playing a game it s a awful 
 nice game. 
 
 Bong Aw, what you mean, game? I throw em 
 away no good! (He begins to gather up the 
 articles. ) 
 
 Tad (Howling) No no! You leave them be! 
 I want em. You stop, you bad old Bong! 
 
 Bong Aw, what mailer you? (Dropping the 
 articles) What you want? 
 
 Tad (Sobbing) I ll I ll only be good if 
 you ll give me another piece of pie. 
 
 Bong Your mama, she say, no more pie. You 
 ve y bad boy. 
 
 Tad I will be bad ! I will cry ! I will have 
 some pie! 
 
 Bong (Relenting) You be ve y good boy, I 
 give you some pie? 
 
 Tad (With huge sobs) Yes. 
 
 Bong Allight. I give you small piece pie. 
 
 (BoNG goes out C. TAD, still sobbing, jumps off 
 the couch, and laboriously ties knots in the sleeves 
 of the pajama coat and the nightgown. Then he 
 gathers up as many of the articles as he can carry, 
 and hurries off with them L. into the FINLAYSONS 
 apartment. 
 
 BONG re-enters with a slice of pie and a fork on 
 a plate. He looks about for TAD.) 
 
 Bong Here, you Taddy-boy! Where you go? 
 Taddy! Taddy! 
 
 Tad (Running in L.) Here I am! Where s 
 my pie? (Jumping up on tine couch, and seizing 
 the pie} Oh, goody, goody! (He begins to de 
 vour the pie, holding it in his two hands.) 
 
98 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Bong (Offering him the plate and fork) Here 
 your mama, she like gen leman. 
 
 Tad I ain t going to be no gemplum ; they don t 
 have no fun. I m a henian. 
 
 Bong (Sadly) Aw, I t ink you ve y bad boy. 
 Bad man, he catch you, I t ink. You go upstairs, 
 go bed. 
 
 Tad Yes, I m going soon; I m very busy now. 
 (Stuffing the last bit of pie) Have you got any 
 more pie? 
 
 Bong What for you want? 
 
 Tad (Evasively) Oh, I don t want to eat any 
 more! I don t like stomach-ache any more than 
 you do. I just thought (confidentially) say, 
 Bong, do you know what s a apple-pie bed? 
 
 Bong Bed? What bed? 
 
 Tad Apple-pie bed. Did you ever see one? 
 
 Bong Aw, I no know. What you talk? Allee 
 same clazy boy. You go bed. 
 
 Tad (Much worried) Is the apple-pie bed a 
 real one? 
 
 Bong Aw, yes, leal apple-pie ! I got em for 
 tomollow dinner, ve y nice, two apple-pie. 
 
 Tad (Alert) Two pies? 
 
 Bong Yes, allee same one-two. Now you go 
 bed! 
 
 Tad (Softly) Goody! Goody! (With a 
 lordly gesture to Bong) Take away the plate and 
 fork, Bong, old man ; I m soon going to bed, but I 
 ain t sleepy now. 
 
 (BoNG reluctantly goes out C. with the plate and 
 fork. TAD hurriedly puts some of the sticks and 
 other articles under the couch, then starts off L. 
 with the nightgown, pajamas, and the rest. The 
 
ACT III 99 
 
 door-bell rings while he runs, causing him to trip 
 and fall. He jumps up again, and goes out L. 
 
 BONG answers the doorbell, and admits BEA 
 TRICE, FINLAYSON and ALLEN. The two men sup 
 port BEATRICE. They seat her on the couch while 
 she gives forth various little moans and impatient 
 sounds.) 
 
 Allen There, now you re all right, eh? 
 
 Beatrice (Crossly) I don t believe it s a bad 
 sprain at all. It s just my nerves, all unstrung 
 by what I ve been through this evening. 
 
 Finlayson And it s all my fault, Bee. I hope 
 you ll forgive my fool joke. 
 
 Beatrice Joke? What joke? 
 
 Allen That s what I say! It didn t strike me 
 as much of a joke. 
 
 Finlayson I guess a sense of humor can be over- 
 cultivated. I think I ll drop it. 
 
 Beatrice I don t know what you re talking about 
 but you ve been queer, all evening! (Taking 
 off her hat and coat, ALLEN assisting her) 
 
 Finlayson An over-cultivated sense of humor 
 blinds one to the truth. Here I ve gone along 
 thinking life was a joke. Jane knows it isn t; she 
 takes it seriously. Now see what she s done ! (He 
 sits dejectedly by the studio table.) 
 
 Beatrice I can t believe it of Jane Jane, of all 
 people ! Here I ve gone placidly along, never sus 
 pecting a thing! 
 
 Finlayson Why should you? Suspicion disposes 
 kings to tyranny, husbands to jealousy and wives 
 heaven knows! 
 
 Beatrice But Jane is my friend. We ve told 
 each other everything lately I don t see 
 
ioo TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Fmlayson I don t either! 
 
 Beatrice Don t what? 
 
 Fmlayson Don t see how you do it, you women ! 
 It s true you are living all over the century at 
 once! 
 
 Allen (Standing C. scratching his head per 
 plexedly) About a century ago I came home in 
 the devil of a hurry to get out to a meeting. Did 
 I have any dinner? I can t remember. 
 
 Beatrice How can you stand there and talk 
 about dinner, when poor Rod is in such dreadful 
 trouble? 
 
 Allen Seems to me, only a short time ago, you 
 thought you were in trouble too. 
 
 Beatrice (Indignantly) Whatever made you 
 tell me such an awful, downright lie? 
 
 Finlayson (Without changing his forlorn atti 
 tude) Is one lie any downrighter than another? 
 
 Beatrice Yes, some are! 
 
 Allen (Turning on him excitedly) I tell you it 
 wasn t a joke to me! It was an infernal thing 
 to do and you see where it has landed us! 
 
 Finlayson Where do you get that "us"? 
 
 Allen Well, I guess it s been "us" all evening, 
 hasn t it, until right now? Whose fault is it that 
 your boomerang has come back with some speed, 
 and floored you? 
 
 (TAD is seen to peer out of door L. then hastily 
 to shut it.) 
 
 Beatrice Ned Allen, there s no need of your 
 adopting that high and mighty air. If you hadn t 
 come in as cross as a bear, it never would have 
 happened. We were all so happy! 
 
 Allen Well can you beat that? Where were 
 
ACT III 101 
 
 you, I d like to know, when I did come home ? 
 Gadding about 
 
 Finlayson I thought you d settled all that in the 
 machine, you two. (With a wide sweep of his 
 hand) Now just forget it! Where s Tad? 
 
 Beatrice Tad ? 
 
 Finlayson Yes, Tad! Why don t you give a 
 little time and thought to the real things? 
 
 Tad (Running in) Here I am! (fie swings 
 joyfully on ALLEN S arm.) 
 
 Allen Hullo, there! What are you doing 
 down here, you monkey? 
 
 Beatrice Taddy! Whatever in the world? 
 
 Tad (Running to his mother, noticing her foot) 
 Oh, mama! Deary! Deary! What s the matter 
 with your poor footie? 
 
 Allen Mother twisted her ankle, Taddy-boy. 
 You d best go upstairs, Bee, and get it fixed up 
 properly. As long as you won t have a doctor, get 
 to bed and rest it anyway. 
 
 Beatrice (Carelessly) Oh, it s all right! I 
 scarcely feel it at all. Taddy, mother s boy, what 
 do you mean, staying down here so late? And 
 bare feet? (Feeling them) And so cold! (TAD 
 giggles.) I m afraid you re very naughty! 
 
 Tad No, I m not. Truly, mama! I was zist 
 as good! (BoNG comes in C. E.) Wasn t I good, 
 Bong? 
 
 Bong (Solemnly) Taddy, he ve y good boy. 
 He just come li l while. 
 
 Tad Mama, I m not a bit tired. Couldn t I 
 help Bong? A tiny, tiny bit? 
 
 Beatrice Bong is all through with his work by 
 now, dear. You all finished, Bong? 
 
102 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Banff L il more. I mix bread. 
 
 Tad Oh, mama! Let me help. Please 
 please ! 
 
 Beatrice All right, if Bong is willing. 
 
 Bong (Imperturbably) Allight. 
 
 (TAD jumps up and down ecstatically.) 
 
 Beatrice Run upstairs first, and put on your 
 warm slippers and bathrobe. 
 
 Tad Over my jamas, mama? 
 
 Beatrice Of course. Hurry! It s a wonder 
 if you haven t caught your death of cold. 
 
 Tad (Joyously) An make little biscuits in a 
 little pan, mama? 
 
 Beatrice Yes, just this once, remember! Now 
 run along. 
 
 (TAD and BONG go out C. E., the former chat 
 tering excitedly about the "little biscuits in the 
 little pan." He runs upstairs, while BONG goes R.) 
 
 Allen Is the boy to stay up all night, Beatrice? 
 
 Beatrice "All night!" How you exaggerate, 
 Ned! 
 
 Allen I don t know what you call exaggeration. 
 The child has already missed two good hours of 
 his sleep. 
 
 Beatrice It won t hurt him for once. 
 
 Finlayson Have you ever noticed that word 
 "exaggeration," Ned? It stands for something 
 which when applied to us mere males is an appro- 
 brious epithet. The prefix f-e turns the use of it 
 gloriously into the superlative degree. 
 
 Allen No, I never have! 
 
 Finlayson It s one of the exceptions that gram 
 mar never attempted to explain. 
 
 Allen I never had any use for grammar. See 
 
ACT III 103 
 
 here, man, what are you going to do? Don t sit 
 there mooning over parts of speech. 
 
 Finlayson What can I do? I m waiting for 
 Jane. Seems to me, just after the universe tumbled, 
 she said she was coming home in a little while to 
 talk it over. 
 
 Beatrice So she did! And there s so much to 
 talk over. (Looking about the room) Our furni 
 ture and everything has got so mixed up. 
 
 Finlayson Furniture? What s that got to do 
 with it? 
 
 Allen For heaven s sake, Bee, is that all you 
 see in it? 
 
 Beatrice Of, course not; there s lots more, but 
 you know perfectly well that I always have to say 
 what comes into my mind first. 
 
 Allen Beginning to untie one of his shoes) 
 Unfortunately, yes; that seems to be your system. 
 
 (TAD runs downstairs and disappears R.) 
 
 Finlayson It s a good system ; I wish I had it ! 
 So often what comes into my mind first is the 
 very last thing I would say; so I tuck it away 
 in some subconscious corner, and the world loses 
 a valuable truth. That s what I like about Bee. 
 (BEATRICE, self-conscious.) She never tucks any 
 thing away. Now, if she thinks it s all a matter 
 of furniture and other material things between 
 Jane and me, why shouldn t she say so and be 
 done with it? 
 
 Beatrice (Protesting) I never thought so at all, 
 Rod! Until you said that er queer, queer thing 
 to me tonight, I ve always thought how perfectly 
 lovely you were to Jane. I m forever telling Ned 
 about it. 
 
104 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen (Growling} Yes; which has the natural 
 tendency to make me love him with the passionate 
 ardor of a brother! 
 
 Finlayson (With crushing satire) You over 
 whelm me. It seems my fatal mission to break up 
 families ! 
 
 Allen (Fidgeting with his shoes) Hang it, these 
 shoes are about killing me! Wait a minute, you 
 two, while I run upstairs and get my slippers. Shall 
 I bring yours, Bee? 
 
 Beatrice Yes, please. I m surprised at your 
 shoes hurting you ! Would you like me to mention 
 the fact to the Professor when he takes up the 
 matter of my heels? (ALLEN glares his indigna 
 tion; she continues placidly.) It would be a good 
 idea to get these things off. (Beginning to unlace 
 her other shoe.) 
 
 (ALLEN goes upstairs.) 
 
 Finlayson (Hesitating, then approaching BEA 
 TRICE with his shoe-clerk manner) May I help 
 you, Madame? 
 
 Beatrice Please do. 
 
 Finlayson (Unlacing her shoe) Please forget 
 that "queer, queer thing" I said, will you, Beatrice? 
 
 Beatrice (Self-consciously) Of course, Rod 
 ney! I shall never think of it again. I ll spend 
 all my efforts in reconciling you and Jane. (Senti 
 mentally) That will be my martyrdom! 
 
 Finlayson (Amazed that she has taken him seri 
 ously, finds it difficult to explain) Well, you know 
 it was the one time in my life, I think, that I 
 adopted your system, and said the first thing that 
 came into my head. Of course, if er that is 
 
 Beatrice I think my system is a very good one. 
 
ACT III 105 
 
 (Virtuously) It would be better if more people 
 adopted it. There would be more truth in the 
 world. 
 
 Finlayson Don t you think that simple inven 
 tion of the devil s, otherwise lies, would pop out 
 of some people s mouths instead of truths? 
 
 Beatrice Maybe! But not out of your mouth, 
 Fin ! I have always regarded you as the soul of 
 honor. I m sure I ve always told Ned 
 
 Finlayson Spare my chaste soul and my blushes! 
 Let s forget it! I can put it all very easily behind 
 me if you will ! 
 
 Beatrice Shuh! Ned is coming. I d perfectly 
 hate to hurt his feelings! 
 
 (ALLEN comes down bringing the slippers, FIN 
 LAYSON rises, and puts BEATRICE S shoe beside the 
 other on the couch.) 
 
 Allen Shall we leave on the bandage awhile? 
 
 Beatrice Yes; just put on my one slipper. All 
 right; thank you, Ned. Why, you re quite atten 
 tive! 
 
 Allen Humph! Maybe my lessons are sinking 
 in. (To FINLAYSON) Well, you ought to de 
 cide on some plan to confront Jane with when she 
 returns to talk things over. How about it? 
 
 (TAD is seen to steal softly past C. E. carefully 
 carrying two pies, one of which he conceals behind 
 the portiere, the other he carries upstairs.) 
 
 Finlayson Seems to me, I ve done about enough 
 planning this evening. I ll wait and hear what Jane 
 has to say. I never knew her to go off on an 
 impulse. 
 
 Allen Well you beat me, with your grammar 
 and your impulses! 
 
106 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson It s all a matter of how you decide 
 to live your life. I thought ours was all decided. 
 I thought I was living Jane s way. It was good 
 enough for me when I got used to it, but it turns 
 out that it wasn t what she wanted at all, so now 
 I m going to wait and hear what she has to say. 
 
 Allen I wish she d get a move on then! 
 
 Finlayson Now that I have been shaken out of 
 my groove I m not going to be dropped back again. 
 I don t believe that wise old guy who said once 
 that "all novelty is but oblivion." I object to 
 that "oblivion" stuff. I m going to remain in the 
 foreground of this affair. 
 
 Allen Now you re talking! 
 
 Finlayson Hang it, I don t know just what I do 
 mean ! But she s going to see me when she comes 
 in! I ll be right here, "center stage"! 
 
 (The telephone rings. ALL start.) 
 
 Beatrice That may be Jane! 
 
 Allen (Answering) Yes? Hello! Yes, yes, 
 this is Allen speaking. Why, certainly I hate 
 to have you take that trouble. Can t I send them 
 round? Oh, very well, if you insist! Good-by. 
 (Hangs up.) Isabel Perry says she s coming round 
 in a taxi to get her typewriter and other belong 
 ings this evening. Now, isn t that a darned shame? 
 
 Beatrice Perhaps, as things are, it s just as 
 well! 
 
 Allen As things are, it s a damned shame, 7 
 say! 
 
 Beatrice (Haughtily) Well, Ned, if you will 
 be profane, I think I ll go upstairs. 
 
 Finlayson And not wait for Jane? 
 
ACT III 107 
 
 Beatrice Why? Do you wish me to? What 
 can / do? 
 
 Finlayson I d be glad to have you stay. 
 
 Beatrice Very well. But I must see where 
 Tad is and send him to bed. 
 
 Allen Let me go. 
 
 Beatrice I can go perfectly well, thank you. I 
 must speak to Bong about breakfast. (She rises, 
 ALLEN assisting her, and helping her toward C. E.) 
 I m all right, Ned; you needn t come with me. 
 
 Allen (Coming back) Just as you say! 
 
 (BEATRICE goes out C. E. to right. The two 
 men stand in front of the mantel. ALLEN offers 
 FINLAYSON a cigar which he accepts. They smoke, 
 apparently forgetting their cares, as men do. Dur 
 ing the ensuing dialogue TAD steals down the 
 stairs, peeps in C. E., takes the pie from behind the 
 portiere, assures himself that the two men are pay 
 ing no attention to him, and runs softly down L. 
 into the FINLAYSONS apartment.) 
 
 Finlayson (Puffing meditatively) It s a queer 
 old world, Ned. I m inclined to think that the 
 crazy Dutch Professor is right, although he doesn t 
 know it ! He hasn t got brains enough ! 
 
 Allen If I were in your boots at the present 
 moment I d be scattering what few brains he has 
 on the nearest pavement ! 
 
 Finlayson Oh, no you wouldn t! What good 
 would that do? Only make things unpleasant for 
 the passers-by. He s got hold of a few catch 
 phrases that please the women, and he s making 
 money out of them. You and I could have used, 
 not only those phrases, but also the things they 
 
io8 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 stand for. "Change?" Yes, "nothing but change," 
 he says, but that doesn t mean arbitrary change, it 
 means voluntary. Freedom and change have been 
 my watchwords; only, as I said earlier in the eve 
 ning, I m not spectacular enough; nobody pays any 
 attention to me because I don t hire a hall and ad 
 vertise that I m from Boston! 
 
 Allen That s the reason I believe in smashing 
 things once in awhile. Just plain smash! It makes 
 them notice you. 
 
 Finlayson That s the quickest way, of course; 
 only sometimes, in your haste, you smash the wrong 
 person. My way isn t so "qvick, speedy," but it s 
 pretty sure to win out in the end. 
 
 (TAD steals in from L. and hides under the 
 couch.} 
 
 Allen Well, I don t have time to reason out 
 all this dope. I tell you when a man s chained to 
 his office desk for ten hours a day he doesn t have 
 much time for 
 
 (BEATRICE comes in hastily, limping.) 
 
 Beatrice Have you seen Tad? 
 
 Tad (Under the couch) Yoo-whoo ! Tweet! 
 Tweet ! Yoo-whoo ! 
 
 Beatrice Dear me! I hear a little bird under 
 the couch ! 
 
 Tad (Crawling out, and ecstatically jumping at 
 his mother) Oh, mama, it s so nice when you re 
 home! 
 
 Beatrice Taddy ! Careful careful ! 
 
 Allen See here, son, no rough-house! Remem 
 ber mama s foot! 
 
 Beatrice Now run away upstairs, Tad, and go 
 to bed. Mother doesn t have to come. Just take 
 
ACT III 109 
 
 off your bath-robe and slippers and jump into bed. 
 Good-night, mother s boy. 
 
 (TAD hugs his mother, and starts toward C. E.) 
 
 Allen (With pretended injury) Well I like 
 this neglect! (TAD rushes to him and jumps into 
 his arms, giving him a bear-hug.} Good-night, 
 daddy. (Seeing FINLAYSON watching him, he 
 jumps into his arms next.) Good-night, Uncle 
 Rod. (Kissing him on the right cheek) And 
 here s one for Aunt Jane. (Kissing him on the 
 left cheek) 
 
 Finlayson Thank you, Taddy. Good-night. 
 
 (TAD runs toward C. E.) 
 
 Beatrice Oh Tad! (He turns.) Don t for 
 get to say your prayers. 
 
 Tad I did say em twice! 
 
 Beatrice Twice ? 
 
 Tad Yes, once to Bong, and once to God. 
 (Whining) I don t have to say em again, do I, 
 mama? They know what I want. 
 
 Beatrice (Choking) Very well, Taddy; twice 
 is enough. Run along! 
 
 Tad (At C. E.) I want a drink of water! 
 
 Beatrice Bong will take you a drink of water. 
 
 Allen Want daddy to bring it? 
 
 Tad (In alarm) Oh, no, no! You wait for 
 mama. You have to help her. Come up soon, 
 mammy ! 
 
 Allen (Laughing) All right. Good-night, old 
 man. 
 
 (TAD goes reluctantly upstairs.) 
 
 Beatrice (Laughing) Tell Bong to carry up a 
 glass of water to your son, Ned. 
 
 (ALLEN goes out C. E. to right.) 
 
no TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson There s not much chance for stagna 
 tion while Tad is around. 
 
 Beatrice I suppose I spoil him terribly but 
 what is one to do! 
 
 (The doorbell rings. They look at each other 
 questioningly. ) 
 
 Finlayson I suppose I d better answer that. (He 
 goes out C. E. to left.) 
 
 (ALLEN and BONG appear C. E. coming from 
 the dining-room. BONG carries a glass of water. 
 ALLEN motions for him to take it upstairs. ALLEN 
 remains C. E. FINLAYSON is heard talking to 
 someone at the front door.) 
 
 Allen (Calling) Come in! Come in! 
 
 Parker (Outside) No thanks, I d better not. 
 
 Allen I insist. I want to talk to you. 
 
 Parker (Enters with FINLAYSON. The three 
 slowly come into the room.) I thought Mrs. Allen 
 would need her purse which I was carrying for 
 her in my pocket, so instead of phoning I brought 
 it right around. (He hands ALLEN a small hand 
 bag. ) 
 
 Allen Beatrice, Mr. Parker has brought your 
 purse. 
 
 Beatrice Oh, how good of you, Mr. Parker! 
 Why, I hadn t missed it! Do come in. 
 
 Allen (As PARKER still hesitates) Yes, come in; 
 there s something to talk about. 
 
 Finlayson Come in. The majority rules! 
 
 Parker (Stiffly) Very well, for a few minutes; 
 although I can t see what good can be gained by 
 talking. I hope your foot is feeling easier, Mrs. 
 Allen. 
 
 Beatrice Thank you, I hardly feel it at all now. 
 
ACT III in 
 
 Allen Sit down. I just want to tell you that 
 you re away off on the wrong tack. Fact is, you 
 know, there s nothing to it. You ve got the best 
 girl and (PARKER looks indignant.} Hang it, 
 Fin, this is your job ! Talk to him. 
 
 Finlayson (Shrugging his shoulders) When a 
 man gets into Parker s state of mind mere words 
 don t do much good. He wants to believe the 
 worst. 
 
 Parker I ll be glad to hear what you have to 
 say; not that I think it will change my attitude. 
 Not in the slightest degree. 
 
 Beatrice You mustn t feel like that, Mr. Park 
 er. We are all subject to change, and 
 
 Allen Oh, Lord! Better let Fin do the talk 
 ing, Bee. ( They sit. ) He s an expert in that line. 
 
 Finlayson I m in the position of the unfortunate 
 person who was introduced by the gushing hostess 
 as the funny-man of his community. Nothing could 
 be more conducive to a free flow of wit and wis 
 dom! 
 
 Allen It s never any trouble for you to air your 
 views. 
 
 Beatrice Oh, Ned! You re positively rude! 
 
 Finlayson "And rudeness must be met with 
 rudeness." Dry up> Ned ! You gave me the chair. 
 What I was going to say is this. Parker s in a 
 state of mind when "seeing is believing," but he s 
 seen the wrong things. Now, any minute Miss 
 Perry may be here; and I propose that Mr. Parker 
 just calmly sit in that big chair by the fire where 
 he will remain unnoticed while we entertain Miss 
 Perry in the studio. (Indicating the left side of 
 the room) Thus he can 
 
ii2 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Parker Do you mean I am to eavesdrop? (.Ex 
 citedly.) 
 
 Finlayson (Calmly) Not at all, not at all! 
 You can t help it if she doesn t notice you. Just 
 at present you appear to have broken off diplomatic 
 relations with Miss Perry, and as there will be 
 several witnesses to her conversation there will be 
 no secrecy. You have been rather poor at seeing, 
 but you may hear something to your advantage. 
 (The door-bell rings.) No doubt that is Miss 
 Perry now. 
 
 Beatrice (Excitedly) It may be Jane! 
 
 (ALLEN goes to the front door.) 
 
 Finlayson It doesn t much matter which ar 
 rives first. Here, Parker, sit down here, will you? 
 Resign yourself to the court of arbitration! (He 
 turns the chair with a high back facing the fire, and 
 PARKER dejectedly does as he is told. The lights 
 are subdued on that side of the room.) 
 
 (ISABEL comes in with ALLEN C. E. She looks 
 doubtfully at BEATRICE.) 
 
 Beatrice Come in, Miss Perry. I do wish you 
 wouldn t take away your things! It was all my 
 horrid temper that caused most of the trouble. 
 Couldn t you forget it now and make friends? 
 I m terribly sorry. I m sure your mother thinks 
 I m a perfect cat ! 
 
 Isabel (Frankly) Of course, I ll forget it, Mrs. 
 Allen. Naturally you believed what was told you. 
 
 Allen It was the most idiotic nonsense I was 
 ever mixed up in. (Looking from his wife to 
 ISABEL) The idea of my thinking you that is, of 
 course I mean to the right man you are (becom 
 ing hopelessly confused) 
 
ACT III 113 
 
 Isabel (Laughing} I know all you would say, 
 Mr. Allen. No explanations are necessary you 
 have been too good a friend to me for that. (She 
 and BEATRICE laugh.) 
 
 Finlayson Then that settles it. Your type 
 writer, your easel all the junk remains here, the 
 same as usual, eh ? 
 
 Isabel You are all very kind to want me, but 
 I think I d better please my mother in this. I ll 
 not be with her very much longer, you know. 
 (Beginning to pack up her things) 
 
 Beatrice Oh, indeed? 
 
 Isabel She is very anxious to have me at home 
 during the next few months. 
 
 Finlayson And then what? 
 
 Isabel I can take in work there, you see, just 
 as well, and then (Consciously, turning to 
 ALLEN) if plans work out as we thought earlier 
 in the evening, you know I told you I would be 
 married. 
 
 (PARKER starts up, then subsides.) 
 
 Allen You haven t changed your mind, then? 
 
 Isabel Well, this is a sort of clearing-up meet 
 ing, isn t it? I might as well be frank. I ve 
 changed my mind twice this evening! 
 
 Finlayson It s the great privilege of your sex. 
 
 Isabel An hour ago I was so angry with Syd 
 that I never wanted to see him again. (Again 
 PARKER starts up, but controls himself. BEATRICE 
 saunters, humming, in line between his chair and 
 ISABEL.) Half an hour ago I told mama I d stay 
 with her forever! Then these last few minutes 
 I ve thought how perfectly ridiculous and childish 
 it is to allow a slight misunderstanding over noth- 
 
ii4 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 ing at all to spoil our whole lives. We must be 
 cured of such nonsense! 
 
 Allen (Glancing at BEATRICE) Sensible girl! 
 
 F inlay son Fine ! 
 
 Allen Have you that letter of recommendation 
 with you that I gave you awhile ago? 
 
 Isabel (Producing it) Yes. 
 
 Allen Would you mind if I sent it to him 
 myself ? 
 
 Isabel Oh, no, not at all ! The pleasure is gone 
 now in the birthday present. 
 
 Beatrice Whose birthday? 
 
 Allen Shuh! (To FINLAYSON) Give it to 
 him. (Motioning toward PARKER) 
 
 Finlayson (Taking the letter from ALLEN)- 
 Um-hm ! 
 
 Beatrice So you expect to be married this sum 
 mer? 
 
 Isabel Yes, if Sydney makes good in his new 
 position. 
 
 (PARKER springs up, and is confronted by FIN 
 LAYSON. ISABEL looks indignantly at ALLEN and 
 the others, but is reassured by ALLEN.) 
 
 Allen Don t be angry! This is part of the cure. 
 
 Finlayson Mr. Parker, earlier in the evening 
 this "billet doux" was entrusted to a charming 
 messenger to deliver to you, but a series of mishaps 
 befell it. Now it has come into my hands, and 
 before it causes any further trouble I think you 
 would better take possession of it. 
 
 Parker ({Taking the letter) But this is ad 
 dressed to Miss Perry. 
 
 Finlayson Probably you will find that it has a 
 double envelope. 
 
ACT III 115 
 
 Parker (Opening the letter, finds that there are 
 two envelopes. He reads the na?ne on the inner 
 one.) That means me, all right! (Opening the 
 letter, he reads, his expression changes, he looks at 
 ALLEN.) Carroll-Seymour! Mr. Allen, I have 
 you to thank for this ! 
 
 Allen (Smiling at ISABEL) I had only a little 
 to do with it. 
 
 Parker (Awkwardly approaching him and 
 ISABEL) I ve been an awful fool tonight, Isabel. 
 
 Isabel Many happy returns of tomorrow, Syd! 
 Let s forget tonight ! 
 
 Parker You re a corker, Isabel. (He stands 
 awkwardly before her, then turns hastily to the 
 others, and shakes hands all round.) Is there 
 anything I can do around here? 
 
 Isabel Yes, help me to pack up these. 
 
 (SHE and PARKER gather her things together.) 
 
 Finlayson You are determined to move, are 
 you? 
 
 Isabel Yes, I must. 
 
 ( FINLAYSON and ALLEN assist with the packing. 
 BEATRICE sits on the couch.) 
 
 Finlayson I am going to miss my little secretary- 
 art-student terribly. 
 
 Beatrice Now, if it had been you she er 
 
 (Catching herself up) Taddy will miss you too, 
 dreadfully! 
 
 Isabel Yes, dear little Tad! I shall miss him. 
 He must come to see me. He and I share loads 
 of secrets. 
 
 (The door-bell rings. EVERYONE looks at the 
 other nervously. ALLEN answers. FINLAYSON 
 plants himself in front of the fireplace.) 
 
n6 TRIAL MARRIAGE s 
 
 Isabel Hurry up, Syd ! We must go. 
 
 Parker Everything seems to be here, eh ? Have 
 I got em all? 
 
 Isabel I think so. (Her arms and PARKER S 
 are full.) 
 
 (ALLEN enters, ALL are expectant. JANE en 
 ters. She talks back into the hall.) 
 
 Jane Oh, do come in a moment, Professor, 
 and help me explain our plans! They are all here. 
 That makes it so much nicer ! Come in come in ! 
 
 Professor S. (Appearing C. E.) If you insist, 
 Madame. 
 
 Jane Won t you take off your coat? 
 
 (The others, meantime, are bidding ISABEL and 
 PARKER good-night.) 
 
 Professor S. (Shrugging) It iss not vorth vhile, 
 dear ladee. I remain so leetle time. 
 
 Jane (Gaily) Well, good people, it s all 
 settled. (To ISABEL, who is in a great hurry) 
 Oh, don t run away, Miss Perry! Why, I didn t 
 expect to find you here, Mr. Parker! 
 
 Parker It s a surprise to me also, Mrs. Fin- 
 layson. I am helping Miss Perry to move. 
 
 Jane (Surprised) Well, do wait a moment and 
 hear our plans for the big meeting. 
 
 (ALL sit except FINLAYSON. After some in 
 decision he comes forward and determinedly places 
 a chair C. for the PROFESSOR. The latter thanks 
 him effusively, and sits. FINLAYSON remains in 
 front of the fireplace, smoking furiously. ISABEL 
 and PARKER still hold their parcels.) We are to 
 make use of the same hall. On second thoughts we 
 concluded it would be large enough, eh, Professor? 
 
 Professor S. Qvite large enough, I t ink. 
 
ACT III 117 
 
 j ane Although we do want to plan this espe 
 cially for men, there s no disguising the fact that 
 it is hard to attract them along the lines of the 
 Professor s chosen subject. 
 
 Parker (Trying to be conversational) What is 
 the subject to be? 
 
 Beatrice (Falling again under the glamour of the 
 PROFESSOR) Yes, couldn t you give them a little 
 idea of what it is going to be ? 
 
 (The PROFESSOR looks enquiringly at JANE.) 
 
 Jane I wish you would. 
 
 Professor S. It iss widout precedent dat I do 
 diss yet vat can I do, ven it iss for you, Madame? 
 My idea for dees lecture, it iss necessaree dat I 
 put all in vone, as it vere, so I begin mit a few 
 t oughts on der not ingness off der potentiaree plas- 
 mogen. I ondertake to explain how useless iss dees 
 in der eferyday life off dees period! 
 
 Parker Very interesting, I m sure! 
 
 Professor S. Den by natural consequence, ve 
 come to der pleonasteec tendencies off der Kosmos, 
 making, as it vere, so mooch how shall I say? 
 (you see, I haf not my notes) so mooch disturb 
 ances between der mens and dee vomans. 
 
 Allen Here s where I begin to catch on! 
 
 Professor S. (Glad to see his interest) Yes, 
 Mistair Allen, it iss dat so great cosmotheteec force 
 which ve, only so few off us, like Madame Feenlay- 
 son and meinself, (Adding as an afterthought) and 
 off course, Madame er (Indicating BEATRICE) 
 dees little ladee here, who can anteecipate der years, 
 and make off dees a new eera. 
 
 Jane It s going to be splendid, combining so 
 much in one lecture! Oh, how fortunate we are! 
 
n8 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice I m crazy about it ! 
 
 Jane Then how will you sum up, eh? 
 
 Professor S. Sum up? How you mean, Ma 
 dame? 
 
 Jane What will you finish with? 
 
 Professor S. Oh, I see! Vy, my dear ladee, 
 der sum total iss vone grand idea ze t ing for 
 vich feefty years hence ve lif 
 
 Jane (Smiling) Yes, go on you d better ex 
 plain to them further. 
 
 Professor S. (Turning to ALLEN) I am sure 
 you haf seen der need off dees change, Mistair 
 Allen; eef not here in your so charming household, 
 den in dose around you. 
 
 Allen (Brusquely) Yes? To what do you re 
 fer? 
 
 Professor S. (Solemnly) To der Trial Mar 
 riage, Mistair. It iss my most dearly cherished 
 dream off der future. 
 
 (There is a subdued stir amongst all his listeners, 
 except JANE, who appears to be enjoying herself 
 hugely.) 
 
 Isabel (Hastily) Sydney! We really must be 
 going ! 
 
 Parker (Moving suddenly, drops one armful of 
 parcels) I m with you. 
 
 Isabel Oh, dear, now see what you ve done! 
 (Going C. E.) Well, good-night, once more. 
 Come along, Syd! (She goes out.) 
 
 Professor S. (Detaining PARKER a moment) I 
 hope to see you and dee so charming ladee on der 
 Monday efening er Mistair I haf not your 
 name. 
 
 Parker (Abruptly} My name is Parker. 
 
ACT III 119 
 
 Thanks, I m sorry, but I expect to be out of town 
 about then. Good-night all! (He goes out hastily.) 
 
 All Good-night ! 
 
 Professor S. (To JANE) I t ink I also must 
 now go. My vife, she haf asked me to stop by 
 der pharmacee for some coughing syrup for dee 
 babee. 
 
 Jane Baby? 
 
 Beatrice Baby ! 
 
 (FINLAYSON starts.) 
 
 Allen What s that? 
 
 Professor S. Ah, my tiny leetle vone, dee babee, 
 she haf a bad cold taken. 
 
 Beatrice Why, I didn t know you were mar 
 ried. 
 
 Professor S. (Holding up his hands) Oh, so 
 mooch married, my dear ladee! I haf der five er 
 (Motioning as though his children were a stair 
 way, touching the head of each above the other) 
 how you say? Steps! One two three four 
 five der grand Americain cheeldren! 
 
 Finlayson (Suddenly coming forward, a gleam in 
 his eyes) Very interesting, I m sure! And Ma 
 dame Staticmuller, how is she? 
 
 Professor S. Ah, dee good home-maker! She 
 iss dere in der house. I t ank you she iss veil, ve y 
 veil. Dat iss, as veil as vone can expect of 
 course, you onderstand der cares off a familee ! 
 
 Finlayson Yes, I think we all see plainly ! How 
 does it happen, Professor, that you, who are ap 
 parently so happily situated, make it your life work 
 to preach, "change, change, change"? 
 
 Professor S. Ah er Mr. Feenlayson, is it not ? 
 Yes er mit der great idea, it iss enough dat it 
 
120 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 iss born in my brain. I gif it forth, Mistair it iss 
 enough! I am exhaust! It iss to others I look 
 to lif my idea, Mistair Feenlayson to others I 
 look to lif! (Hastily) Good-night, I must go! 
 It haf been so great pleasure, I assure you, to meet 
 all in dees happy, happy home! 
 
 (With elaborate bows to ALL he goes out C. E., 
 followed by JANE. The others sink down in vari 
 ous attitudes of surprise, ALLEN and BEATRICE 
 looking at each other fixedly. Then FINLAYSON 
 begins one of his paroxysms of silent laughter on 
 the couch.) 
 
 Jane (In the hall) Good-night, Professor. It 
 was awfully good of you to take so much trouble. 
 (There is a murmur from the PROFESSOR.) Oh, 
 yes, we ll all be there! Good-night. 
 
 (JANE reenters. She stands in the doorway sur 
 veying them, then peers around to see what FIN 
 LAYSON is doing. He is speechless. ALLEN and 
 BEATRICE, not seeing him, regard JANE with in 
 dignation.) 
 
 Beatrice Well I d like to know what you have 
 to say for yourself, Jane Finlayson ! 
 
 Jane (Softly) April Fools ! 
 
 (FINLAYSON S laughter breaks out audibly. He 
 leans back in the corner of the couch and laughs 
 until he is weak. JANE seats herself L. in the big 
 chair, and regards him with assumed wonder, then 
 begins to laugh. ALLEN and BEATRICE fidget 
 about the room indignantly.) 
 
 Beatrice Well! When you have quite finished, 
 you two! 
 
 Alien Next time I miss an Indoor Yacht Club 
 meeting, for such damned nonsense, you ll know it ! 
 
ACT III 121 
 
 Finlayson (Gasping) That is my one regret, 
 Ned! (He struggles up, and approaches JANE, 
 trying to assume a masterful air, but failing ut 
 terly.) What do you mean, Madame? What do 
 you mean, I say? 
 
 Jane (With pretended meekness) I was trying 
 to develop my sense of humor, Rod. 
 
 Finlayson Well, you succeeded all right, old 
 girl. You ve got us all beat a mile! 
 
 Jane Thank you. That s high praise from you! 
 I am encouraged to continue. (Looking about) 
 Has anyone seen my book? I left it here earlier 
 in the evening. (She searches for it.) 
 
 Allen Come along, Bee; I ll help you upstairs. 
 (They start, taking BEATRICE S wraps.) I move 
 that we strike this fool night off the calendar. 
 What do you say if we forget it? 
 
 Finlayson (Joining them, with JANE, near C. 
 E.) I m willing! I began it, so I ll finish it. I m 
 sorry! 
 
 Beatrice Why I don t think that, Rod! I m 
 sure if Ned hadn t come in as cross as a bear 
 
 Allen Shuh ! (Stopping her mouth with a kiss, 
 he hurries her off upstairs, she protesting.) 
 
 Jane (Gaily) Nobody began it. It was all 
 just an inevitable part of the dear Professor s po- 
 tentious pleonastic tendencies! In plain language, 
 "change, change, change!" Good-night. ( FINLAY 
 SON regards JANE awkwardly, not knowing what to 
 say to her. She continues to search for her book.) 
 I wish I could find my book! I want to finish a 
 chapter. 
 
 Finlayson Maybe it slipped under the couch. 
 
 Jane (Looking under the couch) Whatever in 
 
122 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 the world! (She draws out a brick and some 
 sticks.) Some of Taddy s tricks, I suppose. Oh, 
 here s my book! (Rising) 
 
 Finlayson (Solemnly) Oh, I forgot! I have 
 been entrusted with a gift for you. Tad left you 
 a kiss right here. (Indicating) You may take it 
 now, if you like. 
 
 Jane (Solemnly) Thank you! (She kisses him 
 carefully on the spot indicated. Then he catches 
 her in his arms, and holds her close for a moment. 
 Then JANE, with a contented sigh, draws away a 
 little.) Did you really care as much as that, Rod? 
 
 Finlayson I cared a whole lot, Jane. Next time 
 you must give me warning when your sense of 
 humor is going to take a flight. 
 
 (Loud laughter comes from the ALLENS up 
 stairs. ) 
 
 Jane Something seems to be funny. Will you 
 put out the lights, Rod? (Going toward their 
 apartment L.) Oh, I m dead tired! 
 
 Finlayson (Beginning to put out the lights) 
 Yes. 
 
 Bong (Appearing C. E. from the dining-room, 
 glances in) I put out lights. 
 
 Finlayson All right, Bong. Good-night. 
 
 (He goes out L. The laughter from upstairs 
 continues. TAD S shrill voice is also heard. BONG 
 pokes the fire. Then laughter comes from the 
 FINLAYSONS apartment. BONG turns from the 
 fireplace in wonder. Down the stairs come the 
 ALLENS, TAD capering after them. ALLEN is in 
 his shirt-sleeves, BEATRICE in kimono and slippers, 
 her hair down. ALLEN carries an apple-pie aloft, 
 and his pajama suit, tied in knots, over his arm. 
 
ACT III 123 
 
 BEATRICE carries her nightgown, and several sticks 
 and bricks. Sticks are protruding from the sleeves 
 of the nightgown.) 
 
 (From L. come the FINLAYSONS. RODNEY car 
 ries his pie on his head, and In each hand a brick, to 
 balance, while his pajama coat, with knotted sleeves, 
 hangs over his shoulders like a cape. He also is in 
 his shirt-sleeves. JANE is in her kimono, and wears 
 her nightgown over her* shoulders like a cape. 
 She carries some books and sticks. When all see 
 each other, they become quiet for TAD S benefit, 
 and march solemnly around in a circle, while TAD, 
 in pajamas, and barefoot, capers wildly about, 
 shouting.) 
 
 Tad April Fools ! April Fools ! 
 
 (BoNG regards them solemnly from the fireplace 
 as the CURTAIN falls.) 
 
OVERDUE. ^ $ - ON THE S 
 
YB 14567 
 
 UNtVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY