Ex Libris 
 C. K/fXJDEN
 
 KAILKOAD. 
 
 ' I FANCIED DEMONS CAPERING AMID FLAME AND SMOKE.' 
 
 . 147.
 
 TALES OF THE TRAINS: 
 
 BEIXG 
 
 <ome (Chapters of 
 
 BY 
 
 CHARLES LEVER, 
 
 ACTHOB OF "CHARLES O'MALLEY," "JACK HINTON," " HAKKY 
 LOKKEQUEB " "KNIGHT OF G WYNNE," ETC., ETC. 
 
 Bang, bang, bang ! 
 
 Shake, shiver, and throb ; 
 The sound of our feet 
 Is the piston's beat, 
 
 And the opening valve our sob ! 
 
 NEW EDITION. 
 
 LONDON : 
 WARD, LOCK, & CO., WARWICK HOUSE, 
 
 SALISBURY SQUARE, B.C.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 INTRODUCTION i 
 
 THE COUPE OP THE NORTH MIDLAND . . 1 
 
 THE WHITE LACE BONNET . . . 33 
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE ... 68 
 THE ROAD VERSUS THE RAIL . . .116 
 
 THE EARLY TRAIN TO VERSAILLES . 122 
 
 THE TUNNEL OF TRUBAU .... 142 
 
 MR. BLAKE IN BELGIUM 157 
 
 2015148
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 LET no enthusiast of the pastoral or romantic 
 school, no fair reader, with eyes "deeply, darkly, 
 beautifully blue," sneer at the title of rny paper. 
 I have written it after much and mature medi- 
 tation. 
 
 It would be absurd to deny that the great 
 and material changes which our progress in 
 civilisation and the arts effect, should not im- 
 press literature, as well as manners ; that the 
 tone of our thoughts, as much as the temper of 
 our actions, should not sympathise with the 
 giant strides of inventive genius. We have but 
 to look abroad and confess the fact. The 
 facilities of travel which our day confers, have 
 given a new and a different impulse to the 
 human mind : the man is no longer deemed a
 
 11 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 wonder who has journeyed some hundred miles 
 from home the miracle will soon be, he who 
 has not been everywhere. 
 
 To persist, therefore, in dwelling on the same 
 features, the same fortunes, and the same cha- 
 racters of mankind, while all around us is under- 
 going a great and a formidable revolution, 
 appears to me as insane an effort as though we 
 should try to preserve our equilibrium during 
 the shock of an earthquake. 
 
 The stage lost much of its fascination when, 
 )y the diffusion of literature, men could read at 
 home what once they were obliged to go abroad 
 to see. Historical novels, in the same way, 
 failed to produce the same excitement, as the 
 readers became more conversant with the 
 passages of history which suggested them. 
 The battle-and-murder school, the raw-head- 
 and-bloody-bones literature, pales before the 
 commonest coroner's inquest in " The Times ; " 
 and even "Boz" can scarce stand competition with 
 the " vie in time" of a union workhouse. What, 
 then, is to be done ? Qua regio terra remains 
 to be explored? Have we not ransacked 
 every clime and country, from the Russian to
 
 INTRODUCTION. Ill 
 
 the Red Man ? from the domestic habits of 
 Sweden to the wild life of the Prairies ? have 
 we not had kings and kaisers, popes, cardinals, 
 and ministers, to satiety ? The land service 
 and the sea service have furnished their quota 
 of scenes ; and I am not sure, but that the 
 revenue and coast-guard may have been pressed 
 into the service. Personalities have been a stock 
 in trade to some and coarse satires on well- 
 known characters of fashionable life, have made 
 the reputation of others. 
 
 From the palace to the poor-house, from the 
 forum to the factory, all has been searched and 
 ransacked for a new view of life, or a new 
 picture of manners. Some have even gone into 
 the recesses of the earth, and investigated the 
 arcana of a coal mine, in the hope of eliciting a 
 novelty. Yet, all this time, the great reformer 
 has been left to accomplish his operations with- 
 out note or comment; and while thundering 
 along the earth, or ploughing the sea, with 
 giant speed and giant power, men have not 
 endeavoured to track his influence upon 
 humanity, or work out any evidences of those 
 strange changes he is effecting over the whole
 
 IT 
 
 surface of society. The steam-engine is not 
 merely a power to turn the wheels of mechanism 
 it beats and throbs within the heart of a 
 nation, and is feH in every fibre, and recognised 
 in every sinew of civilised man. 
 
 How vain to tell us now of the lover's bark 
 skimming the midnight sea, or speak of a 
 felucca, and its pirate crew, stealing stealthily 
 across the waters. A suitor would come to seek 
 his mistress in the Iron Duke, of three hundred 
 horse-power; and a smuggler would have no 
 chance, if he had not a smoking galley, with 
 Watts' patent boilers ! 
 
 What absurdity, to speak of a runaway 
 couple, in vain pursued by an angry parent, on 
 the road to Gretna-green ! An express engine, 
 with a stoker and a driver, would make the 
 deserted father overtake them in no time ! 
 
 Instead of the characters of a story remaining 
 stupidly in one place, the novelist now can con- 
 duct his tale to the tune of thirty miles an hour, 
 and start his company in the first class of the 
 Great Western. No difficulty to preserve the 
 unities ! Here he journeys with bag and 
 baggage, and can bring twenty or more
 
 INTRODUCTION. V 
 
 families with him, if he like. Not limiting' the 
 description of scenery to one place or spot, ha 
 whisks his reader through a dozen counties in 
 a chapter, and gives him a bird's-eye glance or! 
 half England as he goes ; thus, how original 
 the breaks which would arise from an occasional 
 halt what an afflicting interruption to a love 
 story, the cry of the guard, " Coventry, 
 Coventry, Coventry ; " or, " Any gentleman, 
 Tring, Tring, Tring ; " with the more agreeable 
 interjection of " Tea or coffee, Sir? one brandy 
 and soda-water Times, Chronicle, or Globe." 
 
 How would the great realities of life flash 
 upon the reader's mind, and how insensibly 
 would he amalgamate fact with fiction ! And 
 lastly, think, reflect what new catastrophe 
 would open upon an author's vision ; for while, 
 to the gentler novelist, like Mrs. Gore, an eternal 
 separation might ensue from starting with the 
 wrong train the bloody-minded school would 
 revel ill explosions and concussions, rent boilers, 
 insane luggage trains, flattening the old gentle- 
 men like buffers. Here is a vista for imagina- 
 tion here is scope for at least fifty years to 
 come. I do not wish to illude to the accessory
 
 vi T\TKonrcTro\. 
 
 consequences of this new literary school, though 
 I am certain music and the fine arts would 
 both benefit by its introduction ; and one of the 
 popular melodies of the day would be " We met, 
 twas in a tunnel." I hope my literary brethren 
 will appreciate the candour and generosity with 
 which I point out to them this new and un- 
 claimed spot in Parnassus. No petty jealousies 
 no miserable self-interests, have weighed with 
 me. I am willing to give them a share in my 
 discovered country, well aware that there is 
 space and settlement for us all locations for 
 every fancy allotments for every quality of 
 genius : for myself I reserve nothing satisfied 
 with the fame of a Columbus, I can look for- 
 vrard to a glorious future, and endure all the 
 neglect and indifference of present ingratitude. 
 Meanwhile, less with the hope of amusing the 
 reader than illustrating my theory, I shall jot 
 down some of my own experiences, and give 
 them a short series of the " Romance of a Rail 
 road." 
 
 But, ere I begin, let me make one explanation 
 for the benefit of the reader and myself. 
 
 The class of literature which I am now about
 
 INTRODUCTION. VI 1 
 
 t/o introduce to the public, unhappily debars me 
 from the employment of the habitual tone and 
 the ordinary aids to interest, prescriptive right 
 has conferred on the novelist. I can neither 
 commence with " It was late in the winter of 
 1754, as three travellers/' etc. etc. ; or, "The 
 sun was setting; " or, "The Moon was rising; " 
 or, " The stars were twinkling ; " or, " On the 
 15th Feb., 1573, a figure, attired in the costume 
 of northern Italy, was seen to blow his nose ; " 
 or, in fact, is there a single limit to the mode 
 in which I may please to open my tale ; my 
 way lies in a country where there are no roads, 
 and there is no one to cry out, " Keep your owe 
 side of the way." Now then, for,
 
 THE COUpfi OP THE NORTH 
 MIDLAND. 
 
 HE English are a lord-loving people, 
 there's no doubt of it, was the re- 
 flection I could not help making to 
 myself, on hearing the commentaries pronounced 
 by my fellow-travellers in the North-Midland, 
 on a passenger who had just taken his departure 
 from amongst us. He was a middle-aged man, 
 of very prepossessing appearance, with a slow, 
 distinct, and somewhat emphatic mode of speak- 
 ing. He had joined freely and affably in the 
 conversation of the party, contributing his share 
 in the observations made upon the several topics 
 discussed, and always expressing himself suit- 
 ably and to the purpose ; and although these
 
 2 THE COUPE OF THE NORTH MIDLAOT). 
 
 are gifts I am by no means ungrateful enough 
 to hold cheaply, yet neither was I prepared to 
 hear such an universal burst of panegyric as 
 followed his exit. 
 
 " The most agreeable man, so affable, so un- 
 affected/' 
 
 " Always listened to with such respect in the 
 Upper House.-" 
 
 " Splendid place, Treddleton, eighteen hun- 
 dred acres, they say, in the demesne, such a 
 deer park, too." 
 
 " And what a collection of Vandykes ! " 
 
 " The Duke has a very high opinion of his 
 )) 
 
 " Income cannot be much under two hun- 
 dred thousand, I should say." 
 
 Such and such like were the fragmentary 
 comments upon one, who, divested of so many 
 claims upon the respect and gratitude of his 
 country, had merely been pronounced a very 
 well-bred and somewhat agreeable gentleman. 
 To have refused sympathy with a feeling so 
 general would have been to argue myself a 
 member of the anti-corn law league, the repeal 
 association, or some similarly-minded institu-
 
 THK COUPE OF THE NORTH HID LAND. 3 
 
 tion ; so that I joined in tne grand chorus 
 around, and manifested the happiness I ex- 
 perienced in common with the rest, that a lord 
 had travelled in our company, and neither asked 
 us to sit on the boiler, nor on the top of the 
 luggage, but actually spoke to us and inter- 
 changed sentiments, as though we were even 
 intended by Providence for such communion. 
 One little round-faced man, with a smooth 
 cheek, devoid of beard, a pair of twinkling grey 
 eyes, and a light-brown wig, did not, howevei, 
 contribute his suffrage to the measure thus 
 triumphantly carried, but sat with a very 
 peculiar kind of simper on his mouth, and with 
 his head turned towards the window, as though 
 to avoid observation. He, I say, said nothing, 
 but there was that in the expression of his 
 features that said "I differ from you," as 
 palpably as though he had spoken it out in 
 words. 
 
 The theme once started was not soon dis- 
 missed ; each seemed to vie with his neighbour 
 in his knowledge of the habits and opinions of 
 the titled orders, and a number of pleasant litJe 
 pointless stories were told of the nobility, which
 
 4 THE COUPt OF THE SOUTH MIDLAND. 
 
 if I coukl only remember and retail here, would 
 show the amiable feeling 1 they entertained for the 
 happiness of all the world, and how glad they 
 are when everyone has enough to eat, and there 
 is no " leader " in the Times about the distress 
 in the manufacturing districts. The round- 
 faced man eyed the speakers in turn, but never 
 uttered a word, and it was plain that he was 
 falling very low in the barometer of public 
 opinion, from his incapacity to contribute a single 
 noble anecdote, even though the hero should 
 be only a lord mayor, when suddenly he said 
 
 " There was rather a queer sort of thing hap- 
 pened to me the last time I went the Notting- 
 ham circuit." 
 
 " Oh, do you belong to that circuit ? " said a 
 thin-faced old man in spectacles. " Do you 
 know Fitzroy Kelly ?" 
 
 " Is he in the hardware line ? There was a 
 chap of that name travelled for Tingle and 
 Crash, but he's done up, I think ; he forged a 
 bill of exchange in Manchester, and is travelling 
 now in another line of business." 
 
 "I mean the eminent lawyer, Sir 1 know 
 nothing of bagmen."
 
 THE COUPE OP THE N011TH MIDLAND. 5 
 
 " They're bagmen too," replied the other with 
 a little chuckling- laugh, " and pretty samples 
 of honesty they hawk about with them as I 
 hear ; but no offence, gentlemen I'm a C. G. 
 myself." 
 
 ' c A what ? " said three or four together. 
 
 "A commercial gentleman, in the tape, 
 bobbin, and twist line, for Rundle, Trundle, 
 and Winningspin's house, one of the oldest in 
 the trade." 
 
 Here was a tumble down with a vengeance ! 
 from the noble Earl of heaven knows what 
 and where, Knight of the Garter, Grand Cross 
 of the Bath, Knight of St. Patrick, to a mere 
 C. G. a commercial gentleman, travelling in 
 the tape, bobbin, and twist line for the firm of 
 Bundle, Trundle, and Winningspin, of Leeds. 
 The operation of steam condensing by letting in 
 a stream of cold water, was the only simile I 
 can find for the sudden revulsion ; and as many 
 plethoric sobs, shrugs, and grunts issued from 
 the party, as though they represented an engine 
 under like circumstances ; all the aristocrat*, 
 associations were put to flight at once; i\ 
 seemed profane to remember the Peerage in
 
 6 THE COTJTE 07 THE X07.TII 
 
 sucn company, and a general silence ensued. 
 
 each turnin ' from time to time an an^rv look 
 
 o . 
 
 towards the little bagman, whose mal-a-propos 
 speech had routed their illustrious allusions. 
 
 Somewhat tired of the stiff and uncomfortable 
 calm that succeeded, I ventured in a very meek 
 and insinuating tone to remind the little man of 
 the reminiscence he had already begun, when 
 interrupted by the unlucky question as to his 
 circuit. 
 
 " Oh ! it ain't much of a story/' said he. " I 
 shouldn't wonder if the same kind of thing 
 happens often mayhap too, the gentlemen 
 would not like to hear it, though they might, 
 after all, for there's a Duke in it." 
 
 There was that in the easy simplicity with 
 which he said these words, vouching for his 
 good temper, which propitiated at once the feel- 
 ings of the others; and, after a few half- 
 expressed apologies for having already inter- 
 rupted him, they begged he would kindly relate 
 the incident to which he alluded. 
 
 " It is about four years since/' said he ; "I 
 was then in the printed calico way for a house 
 in Nottingham ; business was not very good.
 
 THE COt'PE OF THE NORTH MIDLAND. / 
 
 ray commission nothing to boast of cotton 
 looking down nothing 1 lively but quilted 
 woollens, so that I generally travelled in the 
 third class train. It wasn't pleasant, to be 
 sure; the company, at the best of times, a 
 pretty considerable sprinkling of runaway 
 recruits, prisoners going to the assizes, and 
 wounded people run over by the last train ; but 
 it was cheap and that suited me. Well, one 
 morning I took my ticket as usual, and was 
 about to take my place, when I found every 
 carriage was full ; there was not room for my 
 little portmanteau in one of them; and so I 
 wandered up and down while the bell was ring- 
 ing, shoving my ticket into every one's face, 
 and swearing I would bring the case before 
 Parliament, if they did not put on a special 
 train for my own accommodation, when a smart- 
 looking chap called out to one of the porters 
 
 "'Put that noisy little devil in the coupe, 
 there's room for him there/ 
 
 " And so, they whipped my legs from under 
 me, and chucked me in, banged the door, and 
 said ' go on ; ' and just as if the whole thing 
 was waiting for a commercial traveller to
 
 THE COUPE OF THE XOETII MIDLAND. 
 
 make it all right, away went the train at twenty 
 miles an hour. When I had time to look 
 around ; I perceived that I had a fellow-traveller, 
 rather tall and gentlemanly, with a sallow face 
 and dark whiskers ; he wore a brown upper-coat 
 all covered with velvet the collar, the breasts, 
 and even the cuffs and I pereived that he had 
 a pair of fur shoes over his boots signs of one 
 who liked to make himself comfortable. He 
 was reading the Morning Chronicle and did not 
 desist as I entered, so that I had abundant time 
 to study every little peculiarity of his personal 
 appearance, unnoticed by him. 
 
 " It was plain from a number of little cir- 
 cumstances, that he belonged to that class in 
 life, who have, so to say, the sunny side of 
 existence. The handsome rings which sparkled 
 on his fingers, the massive gold snuff-box, which 
 he coolly dropt into the pocket of the carnage, 
 the splendid repeater, by which he checked the 
 speed of the train, as though to intimate you 
 had better not be behind-time with me, made me 
 heave an involuntary sigh over that strange but 
 universal law of Providence, by which the goods 
 of fortune are so unequally distributed. For
 
 THE COUPE OF THE \OKTU JfIDT,AXD. 9 
 
 about two hours we journeyed thus, wbeu at 
 last my companion, who had opened in succes- 
 sion some half-dozen newspapers, and, after 
 skimming them slightly, thrown them at his 
 feet, turned to me and said 
 
 " ' Would you like to see the morning papers, 
 Sir ? " pointing as he spoke with a kind of 
 easy indifference to the pile before him. ' There's 
 the Chronicle, Times, Globe, Sun, and Examiner 
 take your choice, Sir/ 
 
 " And with that he yawned, stretched himself, 
 and letting down the glass, looked out ; thereby 
 turning his back on me, and not paying the 
 slightest attention to the grateful thanks by 
 which I accepted his offer. 
 
 " ' Devilish haughty/ thought I ' shouldn't 
 wonder if he was one of the great mill-owners 
 here great swells they are, I hear.' 
 
 " ' Ah ! you read the Times, I perceive/ said 
 he, turning round, and fixing a stedfast and 
 piercing look on me; 'you read the Times a 
 rascally paper, an infamous paper, Sir, a dis- 
 honest paper. Their opposition to the new 
 poor-law is a mere trick, and their support of the 
 Peel party a contemptible change of principles/
 
 10 THE COUPE OF THE STOUT II MIDLAND. 
 
 " Lord ! how I wished I hud taken up the 
 Chronicle ; I would have paid a week's subscrip- 
 tion to have been able to smuggle the Examiner 
 into my hand at that moment. 
 
 " ' I'm a Whig, Sir/ said he ; ' and neither 
 ashamed nor afraid to make the avowal a 
 "Whig of the old Charles Fox school a Whig 
 who understands how to combine the happiness 
 of the people with the privileges of the aris- 
 tocracy/ 
 
 " And as he spoke he knitted his brows, and 
 frowned at me, as though I were Jack Cade 
 bent upon pulling down the Church, and 
 annihilating the monarchy of these realms. 
 
 " ' You may think differently/ continued he ; 
 ' I perceive you do : never mind, have the manli- 
 ness to avow your opinions. You may speak 
 freely to one who is never in the habit of 
 concealing his own ; indeed I flatter myself 
 that they are pretty well known by this 
 time." 
 
 " ' Who can he be ? ' thought I. ' Lord John 
 is a little man Lord Melbourne is a fat one : 
 can it be Lord Normanby ? or is it Lord 
 Howick ? And so I went on to myself, repeat-
 
 THE COUPE OF THE XORTH MIDLAND. J I 
 
 ing the whole Whig- Peerage ; and then coining 
 down to the Lower House, I went over every 
 name I could think of, down to the lowest round 
 of the ladder, never stopping till I came to the 
 member for Sudbury. 
 
 "'It ain't him/ thought I; ' he has a 
 lisp, and never could have such a fine coat as 
 that/ 
 
 " ' Have you considered, Sir/ said he, ' where 
 your Toryism will lead you to ? Have you re- 
 flected that you of the middle class I presume 
 you belong to that order ? ' 
 
 " I bowed and muttered something about 
 printed cottons. 
 
 "'Have you considered that by unjustly 
 denying the rights of the lower orders, under 
 the impression that you are preserving the pre- 
 rogative of the throne, that you are really under- 
 mining our order ? ' 
 
 " ' God forgive us ! ' ejaculated I. ' I hope 
 we are not/ 
 
 " ' But you are/ said he ; ' it is you, and 
 others like you, who will not see the anomalous 
 social condition of our country. You make no 
 concessions until wrung from you ; you yield
 
 nothing except extorted by force ; the finances 
 of the country are in r\ ruinous condition trade 
 stagnated.' 
 
 " ' Quite true/ said I ; * Wriggles and Briggs 
 stopt payment on Tuesday ; there won't be one 
 and fourpence in the pound/' 
 
 " ' D n Wriggles and Briggs ! ' said he : 
 ' don't talk to me of such contemptible cotton- 
 spinners ' 
 
 " ' They were in the hardware line plated 
 dish-covers, japans, and bronze fenders/ 
 
 " ' Confound their fenders ! ' cried he again ; 
 ' it is not of such grubbing fabricators of fry- 
 ing-pans and fire-irons I speak; it is of the 
 trade of this mighty nation our exports, our 
 imports our colonial trade our foreign trade 
 our trade with the East our trade with the 
 West our trade with the Hindoos our trade 
 with the Esquimaux/ 
 
 " f He's Secretary for the Colonies ; he has the 
 whole thing at his finger-ends/ 
 
 " ' Yes, Sir/ said he, with another frown, ' OUT 
 trade with the Esquimaux/ 
 
 '' ' Bears are pretty brisk, too/ said I ; * bit!, 
 foxes is falling there will be no stir in squirrels
 
 HE FELL AGAINST ME AND USED ME FOE A BOLSTEE." 
 
 PP. 13.
 
 THE COUPE 0? THE NORTH MIDLAND. 13 
 
 till near Spring. I heard it myself from Snag-gs, 
 who is in that line/ 
 
 " ( B n Snaggs/ said he, scowling at me. 
 
 " ' Well, d n him/ said I, too, ' he owes me 
 thirteen and fourpence, balance of a little 
 account between us/ 
 
 " This unlucky speech of mine seemed to have 
 totally disgusted my aristocratic companion, for 
 he drew his cap down over his eyes, folded his 
 arms upon his breast, stretched out his legs and 
 soon fell asleep ; not, however, with such due 
 regard to the privileges of the humbler classes, as 
 became one of his benevolent Whig principles, 
 for he fell over against me, flattening me into a 
 corner of the vehicle, where he used me as a 
 bolster, and this for thirty-two miles of the 
 journey. 
 
 " ' Where are we ? ' said he starting up sud- 
 denly ; ' what's the name of this place ? " 
 
 " ' This is Stretton/ said I. ' I must look 
 sharp, for I get out at Chesterfield/ 
 
 " ' Are you known here/ said my companion; 
 to any one in these parts ? ' 
 
 " ' No/ said I, ' it is my first turn on this 
 road/
 
 14 THE COUPE OF THE NORTH MIDLAND. 
 
 " He seemed to reflect for some moments, and 
 then said; ' You pass the night at Chesterfield, 
 don't you?' and, without waiting for my answer, 
 added, ' Well we'll taka a bit of dinner there. 
 You can order it six sharp. Take care they 
 have fish it would be as well that you tasted 
 the sherry ; and, mark me, not a word about 
 me ; ' and with that he placed his finger on his 
 lips, as though to impress me with inviolable 
 eecrecy. 
 
 " ' Do you mind, not a word/ 
 
 " 'I shall be most happy/ said I, ' to have 
 the pleasure of your company ; but there's no 
 risk of my mentioning your name, as I have not 
 the honour to know it/ 
 
 " ' My name is Cavendish/ said he, with a 
 very peculiar smile and a toss of his head, as 
 though to imply that I was something of an 
 ignoramus not to be aware of it. 
 
 " ' Mine is Baggs/ said I, thinking it only 
 fair to exchange. 
 
 " With all my heart, Raggs/ said he, ' we 
 dine together that's agreed. You'll see that 
 everything's right, for I don't wish to be re- 
 cognised down here/ and at these word?, uttered
 
 THE COUPE OF THE NORTH MIDLAND. 10 
 
 rather in the tone of a command, my companion 
 opened a pocket-book, and commenced making- 
 certain memoranda with his pencil, totally un- 
 mindful of me, and of my concurrence in his 
 arrangements. 
 
 "'Chesterfield, Chesterfield, Chesterfield any 
 gentleman for Chesterfield ? ' shouted the porters, 
 opening and shutting doors as they cried, with 
 a rapidity well suited to their utterance. 
 
 " ' We get out here/ said I ; and my com- 
 panion at the same moment descended from the 
 carriage, and, with an air of very aristocratic in- 
 difference, ordered his luggage to be placed in 
 a cab. It was just at this instant that my eye 
 caught the envelope of one of the newspapers 
 which had fallen at my feet, and, delighted at 
 this opportunity of discovering something more 
 of my companion, I took it up and read what 
 do you think I read ? true as I sit here, gentle- 
 men, the words were, ' His Grace the Duke of 
 Devonshire, Devonshire House/ Lord bless me, 
 if all Nottingham had taken the benefit of the 
 act I couldn't be more of heap a cold shivering 
 came over me at the bare thought of anything 
 I might have said to so illustrious a personage.
 
 1C THE COUPE OF THE NORTH MIDLAND. 
 
 No wonder lie should d n Snaggs, thought I. 
 Snaggs is a low, sneaking scoundrel, not fit to 
 clean his grace's shoes. 
 
 " f Hallo, Raggs, are you ready ? ' cried the 
 duke. 
 
 " ' Yes, your grace my lord yes, Sir," said 
 I, not knowing how to conceal my knowledge of 
 his real station. I would have given five 
 shillings to be let sit outside with the driver, 
 rather than crush myself into the little cab, and 
 squeeze the duke up in the corner. 
 
 " ' We must have no politics, friend Eaggs/ 
 said he, as we drove along ' you and I can't 
 agree, that's plain/ 
 
 " ' Heaven forbid, your grace ; that is, Sir/ 
 said I, . ' that I should have any opinions dis- 
 pleasing to you. My views ' 
 
 " ' Are necessarily narrow-minded and miser- 
 able. I know it, Raggs. I can conceive how 
 creatures in your kind of life follow the track of 
 opinion, just as they do the track of the road, 
 neither daring to think or reflect for themselves. 
 It is a sad and a humiliating picture of human 
 nature, and I have often grieved at it/ Here 
 his grace blew his nose, and seemed really
 
 THE COUPE OP THE NORTH M1DLAXD. 17 
 
 affected at the degraded condition of commercial 
 travellers. 
 
 " I must not dwell longer on the conversation 
 between us, i that, indeed, be called conversa- 
 tion where the duke spoke and I listened ; for, 
 from the moment the dinner appeared and a 
 very nice little dinner it was soup, fish, two 
 roasts, sweets, and a piece of cheese his grace 
 ate as if he had not a French cook at home, and 
 the best cellar in England. 
 
 " ' What do you drink, Itaggs ? } said he ; 
 f Burgundy is my favourite, though Brodie says 
 it won't do for me ; at least when I have much 
 to do in " the House." Strange thing, very 
 strange thing I am going to mention to you 
 no Cavendish can drink Chambertin it is some- 
 thing hereditary. Chambers mentioned to me 
 one day that very few of the English nobility 
 are without some little idiosyncrasy of that kind. 
 The Churchills never can taste gin ; the St. 
 Maurs faint if they see strawberries and cream/ 
 
 " ' The Baggs/ said I, ' never could eat tripe.' 
 I hope he didn't say d n the Baggs ; but I 
 almost fear he did. 
 
 " ( The duke ordered up the landlord ; and,
 
 IS THE COlTE OF THE XOTtTII MIDLAND. 
 
 after getting 1 the whole state of the cellar made 
 known, desired three bottles of claret to be sent 
 up, and despatched a messenger through the 
 town to search for olives. 
 
 " f We are very backward, Raggs/ said he. 
 In England we have no idea of life, nor shall 
 we as long as these confounded Tories remain in 
 power. "With free trade, Sir, we should have 
 the productions of France and Italy upon our 
 tables, without the ruinous expenditure they at 
 present cost/ 
 
 ' ' You don't much care for that/ said I, 
 venturing a half-hint at his condition. 
 
 " ' No/ said he, frankly ; ' I confess I do not. 
 But I am not selfish, and would extend my good 
 wishes to others. How do you like that Lafitte ? 
 A little tart a very little. It drinks cold, 
 don't you think so ? ' 
 
 " 'It is a freezing mixture/ said I. ' If I 
 dare to ask for a warm with ' 
 
 " ' Take what you like, Raggs only don't 
 ask me to be of the party ; ' and with that he 
 gazed at the wine between himself and the 
 candle with the glance of a true connoisseur. 
 
 " ' I'll tell you/ said he, ' a little occurrence
 
 THK COUPE OF THE NORTH JIiDLAXi). t V 
 
 which happened me some years since not far 
 from this ; in fact, I may confess to you, it 
 was at Chatsworth. George the Fourth came 
 down on a visit to us for a few days ir the 
 shooting season not that he cared for sport; 
 but it was an excuse for something to do. Well, 
 the evening he arrived, he dined in his own 
 apartment, nobody with him but ' 
 
 " Just at this instant the landlord entered, 
 with a most obsequious face, and an air of 
 great secrecy. 
 
 " ' I beg pardon, gentlemen/ said he ; ' but 
 there's a carriage come over from Chatsworth, 
 and the footman won't give the name of the 
 gentleman he wants/ 
 
 " ' Quite right quite right/ said the duke, 
 waving his hand. ' Let the carriage wait. 
 Come, Raggs, you seem to have nothing before 
 you/ 
 
 " ' Bless your grace/ said I, ' I'm at the end 
 of my third tumbler/ 
 
 " ' Never mind mix another ; ' and with that 
 he pushed the decanter of brandy towards me, 
 and filled his own glass to the brim. 
 
 "' ' Your v ^lth, Raggs I rather like vou. J 
 
 c
 
 20 TITT-. COTTK OK THE NOHTH MIDLAND. 
 
 mnfess/ continued he, f I've had rather a pre- 
 judice against your order. There is something 
 d d low in cutting about the country with 
 patterns in a bag/ 
 
 "'"We don't/ said I, rather nettled; 'wo 
 carry a pocket-book like this/ and here I pro- 
 duced ray specimen order, but with one shy of 
 his foot the duke sent it flying to the ceiling, as 
 he exclaimed 
 
 " ' Confound your patchwork ! try to be a 
 gentleman for once ! ' 
 
 "'So I will, then/ said I. 'Here's your 
 health, Devonshire.' 
 
 " ' Take care take care/ said he, solemnly. 
 ' Don't dare to take any liberties with me they 
 won't do;' and the words made my blood 
 freeze. 
 
 " I tossed off a glass neat to gain courage, 
 for my head swam round, and I thought I saw 
 his grace sitting before ms, in his dress as 
 Knight of the Garter, with a coronet on his 
 head, his ' George ' round his neck, and he was 
 frowning at me most awfully. 
 
 " ' I didn't mean it,' said I, pitifully. ' I am 
 onlr a bagman, but verv well known on the
 
 " HEBE'S TOUK HEALTH, DEVONSHIEE. 
 
 [P. 20.
 
 THE COUPE OF THE XOUTII MIDLAND. 21 
 
 western road could get security for three hun- 
 dred pounds, any day, in soft goods/ 
 
 " ' I ain not angry, old Raggs/ said the duke. 
 ' None of my family ever bear malice. Let us 
 have a toast "A speedy return to our rightful 
 position on the Treasury benches." ' 
 
 " I pledged his grace with every enthusiasm, 
 and when I laid my glass on the table, he wrung 
 my hand warmly, and said 
 
 " ' Raggs, I must do something for you.' 
 
 " From that moment I felt my fortune was 
 made. The friendship and was I wrong in 
 giving it that title ? the friendship of such a 
 man was success assured, and as I sipped my 
 liquor, I ran over, in my mind, the various little 
 posts and offices I would accept of or decline. 
 They'll be offering me some chief -justiceship in 
 Gambia, or to be port-surveyor in the Isle of 
 Dogs, or something of that kind ; but I won't 
 take it, nor will I go out as bishop, nor com- 
 mander of the forces, nor collector of customs to 
 any newly-discovered island in the Pacific Ocean. 
 ' I must have something at home here ; I never 
 could bear a sea- voyage/ said I, aloud, concluding 
 my meditation by this reflection.
 
 Z'2 THE COITE CF THE XO1:TH MIDI-VXD. 
 
 ' Why. you are half-seas-over already. Ragfjs/' 
 said the duke, as he sat puffing his cigar in all 
 the luxury of a Pacha. ' I say/ continued he, 
 ' do you ever play a hand at ecarte, or ringt- 
 et-un, or any other game for two ? ' 
 
 ({ ' I can do a little at five-and-teu/ said I, 
 timidly ; for it is rather a vulgar game, and I 
 didn't half fancy confessing it was my favourite. 
 
 " ' Five-and-ten ! ' said the duke ; ' that is a 
 game exploded even from the housekeeper's 
 room. I douht if they'd play it in the kitchen 
 of a respectable family. Can you do nothing 
 else?' 
 
 " Pope- Joan and pitch-and-toss were then the 
 extent of my accomplishments; but I was actually 
 tfraid to own to them ; and so I shook my head 
 in token of dissent. 
 
 "'Well, be it so/ said he, with a sigh. 
 ' Touch that bell, and let us see if they have 
 a pack of cards in the house.' 
 
 " The cards were soon brought a little table, 
 with a green baize covering it might have 
 been a hearth-rug for coarseness placed at the 
 fire, and down we sat. We played till the day 
 xras beginning to break, chatting and sipping
 
 THE COUFE OF THE NORTH MIDLAND. 2-5 
 
 between time; and, although the stakes were 
 only sixpences, the duke won eight pounds odd 
 shilling's, and I had to give him an order on a 
 house in Leeds for the amount. I cared little 
 for the loss, it is true. The money was well 
 invested somewhat more profitably than the 
 ' three-and-a-halfs/ any way. 
 
 " ' Those horses/ said the duke, ' those horses 
 will feel a bit cold or so by this time. So I 
 think, Raggs, I must take my leave of you. 
 We shall meet again, I've no doubt, some of 
 these days. I believe you know where to find 
 me in town ? ' 
 
 " ' I should think so/ said I, with a look that 
 conveyed more than mere words. 'It is not 
 such a difficult matter/ 
 
 " { Well, then, good-bye, old fellow/ said he, 
 with as warm a shake of the hand as ever I felt 
 in my life. ( Good-bye. I have told you to 
 make use of me, and, I repeat it, I'll be as good 
 as my word. "We are not in just now"; but 
 there's no knowing what may turn up. Be- 
 sides, whether in office or out, we are neve* 
 without our influence.' 
 
 "What extent of professions my gratitude
 
 24 THE COUPE OF THE KORTH MIDLAND. 
 
 led me into, I cannot clearly remember now > 
 but I have a half recollection of pledging his 
 grace in something very strong, and getting a 
 fit of coughing in an attempt to cheer, amid 
 which he drove off as fast as the horses could 
 travel, waving me a last adieu from the carriage 
 window. 
 
 " As I jogged along the road on the following 
 day, one only passage of the preceding night 
 kept continually recurring to my mind. Whether 
 it was that his grace spoke the words with a 
 peculiar emphasis, or that this last blow on the 
 drum had erased all memory of previous sounds 
 but so it was I continued to repeat as I 
 went ' Whether in office or out, w r e have 
 always our influence/ 
 
 "This sentence became my guiding star 
 wherever I went. It supported me in every 
 casualty and under every misfortune. Wet 
 through with rain, late for a coach, soaked in a 
 damp bed, half starved by a bad dinner, over- 
 charged in an inn, upset on the road, without 
 hope, without an ' order/ I had only to fall 
 back upon my talisman, and rarely had to 
 mutter it twice, ere visions of official wealth and
 
 THE COUPS OF THE NORTH MIDLAND. 25 
 
 power floated before me, and imagination con- 
 jured up gorgeous dreams of bliss, bright enough 
 to dispel the darkest gloom of evil fortune and 
 as poets dream of fairy forms skipping from the 
 bells of flowers by moonlight, and light-footed 
 elves disporting in the deep cells of water-lilies, 
 or sailing along some glittering stream, the boat 
 a plantain leaf, so did I revel in imaginary 
 festivals, surrounded by peers and marquises, 
 and thought I was hob-nobbing with ' the duke/ 
 or dancing a cotillon with Lord Brougham at 
 Windsor. 
 
 " I began to doubt if a highly imaginative 
 temperament, a richly endowed fancy, a mind 
 glowing with bright and glittering conceptions, 
 an organisation strongly poetical, be gifts suited 
 to the career and habits of a commercial traveller. 
 The base and grovelling tastes of manufacturing 
 districts, the low tone of country shop-keepers, 
 the mean and narrow-minded habits of people in 
 the hardware line, distress and irritate a man 
 with tastes and aspirations above smoke-jacks 
 and saucepans. He may, it is true, sometimes 
 undervalue them they never, by any chance, 
 can understand him. Thus was it from the hour
 
 2i> TIII: COT:PE OF TIIK XOP.TII J:IDLAXD. 
 
 1 made the duke's acquaintance business \vent 
 ill with me the very philosophy that supported 
 me under all my trials, seemed only to offend 
 them, and more than once I was insulted, because 
 I said at parting 1 , ' Never mind in office or 
 out, we have always our influence/ The end of 
 it was, I lost my situation ; my employers coolly 
 said that my brain didn't seem all right, and 
 they sent me about my business a pleasant 
 phrase that for when a man is turned adrift 
 upon the world, without an object or an occupa- 
 tion, with nowhere to go to, nothing to do, and, 
 mayhap, nothing to eat, he is then said to be 
 sent about his business. Can it mean that his 
 only business then is to drown himself ? Such 
 were not my thoughts assuredly. I made my 
 late master a low bow, and muttering my old 
 refrain 'in office or out/ etc., took my leave 
 and walked off. For a day or two I hunted the 
 coffee-houses to read all the newspapers, and 
 discover, if I could, what government situations 
 were then vacant, for I knew that the great 
 secret in these matters is always to ask for some 
 definite post or employment, because the refusal, 
 if you meet it, suggests the impression of dis-
 
 THE COUPE OP THE XOETll MIDLAND. 2? 
 
 appointment, and, although they won't make 
 you a Treasury Lord, there's no saying- but they 
 may appoint you a Tide-waiter. I fell upon 
 evil days excepting a Consul for Timbuctoo, 
 and a Lord-Lieutenant for Ireland, there was 
 nothing wanting the latter actually, as the 
 Times said, was going a-begging. In the corner 
 of the paper, however, almost hidden from view, 
 I discovered that a collector of customs I forget 
 where exactly had been eaten by a crocodile, 
 and his post was in the gift of the Colonial 
 Office. Come, here's the very thing for me, 
 thought I. ' In office or out ' now for it 
 and with that I hurried to my lodgings to dress 
 for my interview with his grace of Devonshire. 
 
 " There is a strange flutter of expectancy, 
 doubt and pleasure, in the preparation one makes 
 to visit a person whose exalted sphere and 
 higher rank have made him a patron to you. 
 It is like the sensation felt on entering a large 
 shop with your book of patterns, anxious and 
 fearful whether you may leave without an order. 
 Such in great part were my feelings as I drove 
 along towards Devonshire House ; and although 
 pretty certain of the cordial reception that
 
 28 THE COUPE OF THE XOimi MLDLAXT). 
 
 awaited me, I did not exactly like tha notion of 
 descending to ask a favour. 
 
 " Every stroke of the great knocker was 
 answered by a throb at my own side, if not 
 as loud, at least as moving, for my summons 
 was left unanswered for full ten minutes. Then, 
 when I was meditating on the propriety of a 
 second appeal, the door was opened and a very 
 sleepy-looking footman asked me, rather gruffly, 
 what I wanted. 
 
 ' ' ' To see his grace ; he is at home, isn't he ? : 
 
 " ' Yes, he is at home, but you cannot see him 
 at this hour ; he's at breakfast/ 
 
 " ( No matter/ said I with the easy confidence 
 our former friendship inspired, ' just step up and 
 say Mr. Baggs, of the Northern Circuit Baggs, 
 do you mind/ 
 
 " ' I should like to see myself give such a 
 message/ replied the fellow with an insolent 
 drawl ; ' leave your name here, and come back 
 for your answer.' 
 
 " ' Take this, scullion/ said I, haughtily, 
 drawing forth my card, which I didn't fancy 
 producing at first, because it set forth as how I 
 was commercial traveller in the long hose and
 
 THE COUPE OF THE NOUT1I MIDLAND. 
 
 flannel way, for a house in Glasgow. ' Say he 
 is the gentleman his grace dined with at Chester- 
 field in March last/ 
 
 " The mention of a dinner struck the fellow 
 with such amazement, that without venturing 
 another word, or even a glance at my card, he 
 mounted the stairs to apprise the duke of my 
 presence. 
 
 "'This way, Sir; his grace will see you/ 
 said he, in a very modified tone, as he returned 
 in a few minutes after. 
 
 " I threw on him a look or scowling contempt 
 at the alteration his manner had undergone, and 
 followed him upstairs. After passing through 
 several splendid apartments, he opened one side 
 of a folding-door, and calling out Mr. Baggs, 
 shut it behind me, leaving me in the presence of 
 a very distinguished-looking personage, seated 
 at breakfast beside the fire. 
 
 " ' I believe you are the person that has the 
 Blenheim spaniels/ said his grace, scarce turn- 
 ing his head towards me as he spoke. 
 
 " ' No, my lord no ; never had a dog in my 
 life ; but are you are you the Duke of Devon- 
 shire ? ' cried I, in a very faltering voice.
 
 30 THE COUPE OF THE XOP.TII MIDLAND. 
 
 '' ' I believe so, Sir/' said he, standing up 
 and gazing at me with a look of bewildered 
 astonishment I can never forget. 
 
 " ' Dear me/ said I, ' how your grace is 
 altered ! You were as large again last April, 
 when we travelled down to Nottingham. Them 
 light French wines, they are ruining your con- 
 stitution ; I knew they would.' 
 
 "The duke made no answer, but rang tho 
 bell violently for some seconds. 
 
 " ' Bless my heart/ said I, ' it surely can't be 
 that I'm mistaken. It's not possible it wasn't 
 your grace.' 
 
 " ' Who is this man ? ' said the duke, as the 
 servant appeared in answer to the bell. f Who 
 let him up stairs ? ' 
 
 "'Mr. Baggs, your grace/ he said. 'He 
 dined with your grace at ' 
 
 " ' Take him away ; give him in charge to 
 the police ; the fellow must be punished for his 
 insolence.' 
 
 " My head was whirling, and my faculties 
 were all astray. I neither knew what I said, 
 nor what happened after, save that I felt myself 
 half-led, half-pushed, down the stairs I had
 
 THE COUPE OF THE NORTH MIDLAND. 31 
 
 mounted so confidently five minutes before, 
 while the liveried rascal kept dinning into my 
 ears some threats about two months' imprison- 
 ment and hard labour. Just as we were passing 
 through the hall, however, the door of a front- 
 parlour opened, and a gentleman in a very ele- 
 gant dressing-gown stepped out. I had neither 
 time nor inclination to mark his features my 
 own case absorbed me too completely. ' I am 
 an unlucky wretch/ said I aloud. 'Nothing 
 ever prospers with me/ 
 
 " ' Cheer up, old boy/ said he of the dressing- 
 gown : ( fortune will take another turn yet ; but 
 I do confess you hold miserable cards/ 
 
 " The voice as he spoke aroused me. I turned 
 about, and there stood my companion at Chester- 
 field. 
 
 " ( His grace wants you, Mr. Cavendish/ said 
 the footman as he opened the door for rne. 
 
 " ' Let him go, Thomas,'' said Mr. Cavendisli. 
 ' There's no harm in old Raggs.' 
 
 " ' Isn't he the duke ? ' gasped I, as he 
 tripped up stairs without noticing me further. 
 
 " ' The duke no, bless your heart, he's Im 
 gentleman I '
 
 2 THK COm'tf OF THK XOKTH MIDLAND. 
 
 " Here was an end of all my cherished hope? 
 and dreams of patronage. The aristocratic leader 
 of fashion the great owner of palaces., the Whig 
 autocrat tumbled down into a creature that aired 
 newspapers, and scented pocket-handkerchiefs. 
 Never tell me of the manners of the titled 
 classes again. Here was a specimen that will 
 satisfy my craving for a life long, and if the 
 reflection be so strong, what must be the body 
 which causes it !
 
 THE WHITE LACE BONNET. 
 
 T is about two years since I was one of 
 that strange and busy mob of some 
 five hundred people, who were as- 
 sembled on the platform in the Euston-square 
 station a few minutes previous to the starting 
 of the morning mail train for Birmingham. To 
 the unoccupied observer the scene might have 
 been an amusing one : the little domestic inci- 
 dents of leave-taking and embracing the careful 
 looking after luggage and parcels the watchful 
 anxieties for a lost cloak, or a stray carpet-bag, 
 blending with the affectionate farewells of part- 
 ing, are all curious, while the studious prepara- 
 tions for comfort of the old gentleman in the
 
 34 THE WHITE LACE BOXXE'l . 
 
 coupe, oddly contrast with similar arrangements 
 on a more limited scale by the poor soldier's 
 wife in the third-class carriage. 
 
 Small as the segment of humanity is, it is a 
 type of the great world to which it belongs. 
 
 I sauntered carelessly along the boarded 
 terrace, investigating, by the light of the 
 guard's l.Jitern, the inmates of the different 
 carriages and, calling to my assistance my 
 tact as a physiognomist as to what party I 
 should select for my fellow -passengers "Not 
 in there, assuredly/' said I to myself, as I saw 
 the aquiline noses and dark eyes of two Ham- 
 burgh Jews ; " nor here, either I cannot stand 
 a day in a nursery ; nor will this party suit me, 
 that old gentleman is snoring already;" and 
 so I walked on until at last I bethought me of 
 an empty carriage, as at least possessing negative 
 benefits, since positive ones were denied me. 
 Scarcely had the churlish determination seized 
 me, when the glare of the light fell upon the side 
 of a bonnet of white lace, through whose trans- 
 parent texture a singularly lovely profile could 
 be seen. Features, purely Greek in their cha- 
 racter, tinged with a most delicate colour, were
 
 THE WHITE LACE ROXNKT. ';." 
 
 defined by a dark mass of hair, worn in a deep 
 band along the cheek almost to the chin. There 
 was a sweetness a look of guileless innocence 
 in the character of the face which, even by the 
 flitting light of the lantern, struck me strongly. 
 I made the guard halt, and peeped into the 
 carriage as if seeking for a friend. By the 
 uncertain nickering, I could detect the figure of 
 a man, apparently a young one, by the lady's 
 side ; the carriage had no other traveller. " This 
 will do/' thought I, as I opened the door, and 
 took my place on the opposite side. 
 
 Every traveller knows that locomotion must 
 precede conversation ; the veriest commonplace 
 cannot be hazarded, till the piston is in motion, 
 or the paddles are flapping. The word " go on " 
 is as much for the passengers as the vehicle, and 
 the train and the tongues are set in movement 
 together ; as for myself, I have been long upon 
 the road, and might travestie the words of our 
 native poet, and say 
 
 " My home is on the highway." 
 
 I have therefore cultivated, and I trust witb 
 some success, the tact of divining the characters, 
 
 D
 
 Sfl TTTE WHITE T.ACE BOXXET. 
 
 condition, and rank of fellow-travellers the 
 speculation on whose peculiarities has often 
 served to wile away the tediousness of many a 
 wearisome road, and many an uninteresting 
 journey. 
 
 The little lamp which hung aloft, gave 
 me but slight opportunity of prosecuting my 
 favourite study on this occasion. All that I 
 could trace was the outline of a young and 
 delicately -formed girl, enveloped in a cachmere 
 shawl a slight and inadequate muffling for the 
 road at such a season. The gentleman at her 
 side was attired in what seemed a dress-coaf, 
 nor was he provided with any other defence 
 against the cold of the morning. 
 
 Scarcely had I ascertained these two facts, 
 when the lamp flared, flickered, and went out, 
 leaving me to speculate on these vague, but 
 yet remarkable, traits in the couple before me. 
 "What can they be?" "Who are they?" 
 " Where do they come from ? " (< Where are they 
 going ? " were all questions which naturally 
 presented themselves to me in turn ; yet, every 
 inquiry resolved itself into the one, " Why has 
 she not a cloak ? ivhy has not he got a Peter-
 
 THE WHITE LACK BONNET. 37 
 
 sham?" Long- and patiently did I discuss these 
 points with myself, and framed numerous hypo- 
 theses to account for the circumstance but still 
 with comparatively little satisfaction, as objec- 
 tions presented themselves to each conclusion ; 
 and although, in turn, I had made him a run- 
 away clerk from Coutts's, a Liverpool actor, 
 a member of the swell-mob, and a bagman 
 yet I could not, for the life of me, include 
 her in the category of such an individual's 
 companions. Neither spoke, so that from their 
 voices, that best of all tests, nothing could 
 be learned. 
 
 Wearied by my doubts, and worried by the 
 interruption to my sleep the early rising necessi- 
 tated, I fell soon into a sound doze, lulled by 
 the soothing " strains " a locomotive so emi- 
 nently is endowed with. The tremulous quaver- 
 ing of the carriage, the dull roll of the heavy 
 wheels, the convulsive beating and heaving of 
 the black monster itself, gave the tone to my 
 sleeping thoughts, and my dreams were of the 
 darkest. 
 
 I thought that, in a gloomy silence, we 
 were journeying over a wild and trackless
 
 38 THE WHITE LACE BOXXET. 
 
 plain, with no sight nor sound of man. sav$ 
 such as accompanied our sad procession ; that 
 dead and leafless trees were grouped about, and 
 roofless dwellings and blackened walls marked 
 the dreary earth ; dark sluggish streams stole 
 heavily past, with noisome weeds upon their 
 surface ; w r hile along the sedgy banks sat leprous 
 and glossy reptiles, glaring, with round eyes, 
 upon us. Suddenly, it seemed as if our speed 
 increased ; the earth and sky flew faster past, 
 and objects became dim and indistinct ; a misty 
 maze of dark plain, and clouded heaven, were 
 all I could discern ; while straight in front, by 
 the lurid glare of a fire, whose sparks flitted 
 round and about, two dark shapes danced a wild 
 and goblin measure, tossing their black limbs 
 with frantic gesture, while they brandished in 
 their hands bars of seething iron ; one, larger, 
 and more dreadful than the other, sung in a 
 ' ' rauque " voice, that sounded like the clank of 
 machinery, a rude song, beating time to the 
 tune with his iron bar. The monotonous 
 measure of the chant, which seldom varied in 
 its note, sank deep into my chilled heart 
 and I think I hear still
 
 THE WHITE LACE BOXXET. 
 THE SOXG OF THE STOKES 
 
 Rake, rake, rake, 
 
 Ashes, cinders, and coal ; 
 The fire we make, 
 Must never slake, 
 
 Like the fire that roasts a >soul 
 
 Hurrah ! my boys, 'tis a glorious none 
 
 To list to the stormy main ; 
 But, nor wave-lashed shore, 
 Nor lion's roar, 
 
 E'er equall'd a luggage train. 
 
 'Neath the panting sun, our course we nu.. 
 
 No water to slake our thirst ; 
 Nor ever a pool, 
 Our tongue to cool, 
 
 Except the boiler burst. 
 
 The courser fast, the trumpet's blfcti. 
 
 Sigh after us in vain ; 
 And even the wind, 
 We leave behind, 
 
 With the speed of a special train. 
 
 Swift we pass o'er the wild moraas. 
 
 Tho' the night be starless and 
 Onward we go, 
 Where the snipe flies low, 
 
 Nor man dares follow our track
 
 40 THE WHITE LACE BOX NET. 
 
 A mile a minute, on we go. 
 
 Hurrah for my courser fast ; 
 His coal black inane, 
 And his fiery train, 
 
 And his breath a furnace blast. 
 
 On and on, till the day is gone, 
 
 We rush with a goblin scream ; 
 And the cities, at night, 
 They start with affright. 
 
 At the cry of escaping steam. 
 
 Bang, bang, bang I 
 
 Shake, shiver, and throb ; 
 The sound of our feet, 
 Is the piston's beat, 
 
 And the opening valve our sob 1 
 
 Our union-jack is the smoke-train black.. 
 
 That thick from the funnel rolls 
 And our bounding bark, 
 Is a gloomy ark, 
 
 And our cargo human souls. 
 
 Rake, rake, rake. 
 
 Ashes, cinders, and coal ; 
 The fire we make, 
 Must never slake, 
 
 Like the fire that roasts a souL 
 
 ' Bang, bang, bang/' said I, aloud, repeating 
 this infernal " refrain," and with an energy
 
 THE WHITE l.ACE BOvXLT. | I 
 
 that made my two fellow-travellers burst r>\\\ 
 laughing. This awakened me from my sleep, 
 and enabled me to throw off the fearful incubus 
 which rested on my bosom; so strongly, how- 
 ever, was the image of my dream so vivid the 
 picture my mind had conjured up and stranger 
 than all, so perfect was the memory of the demo- 
 niac song, that I could not help relating the 
 whole vision, and repeating for my companions 
 the words, as I have here done for the reader 
 As I proceeded in my narrative, I had ample 
 time to observe the couple before me. The 
 lady, for it is but suitable to begin with her, 
 was young, she could scarcely have been more 
 than twenty and looked, by the broad daylight, 
 even handsomer than by the glare of the guard''s 
 lantern ; she was slight, but, as well as I could 
 observe, her figure was very gracefully formed, 
 and with a decided air of elegance, detectable 
 even in the ease and repose of her attitude. Her 
 dress was of pale blue silk, around the collar of 
 which she wore a profusion of rich lace, of what 
 peculiar loom I am, unhappily, unable to say 
 nor would I allude to the circumstance, save 
 that it formed one of the most embarrassing
 
 *'i THE WHITE LACE BOXNET. 
 
 problems in my efforts at divining her rank and 
 condition ; never was there such a travelling 
 costume, and although it suited perfectly the 
 frail and delicate beauty of the wearer, it ill 
 accorded with the dingy "conveniency " in 
 which we journeyed even to her shoes and 
 stockings, for I noticed these the feet were 
 perfect and gloves ; all the details of her dress 
 had a freshness and propriety one rarely or ever 
 sees encountering the wear and tear of the road. 
 The young gentleman at her side-^-for he, too, 
 was scarcely more than five-and-tweuty, at most 
 was also attired in a costume as little like that 
 of a traveller a dress-coat and evening waist- 
 coat, over which a profusion of chains were 
 festooned in that mode so popular in our day, 
 showed that he certainly, in arranging his 
 costume, had other thoughts than of wasting 
 such attractions on the desert air of a railroad 
 journey. He was a good-looking young fellow, 
 with that mixture of frankness and careless e :,e 
 the youth of England so eminently possess, in 
 contradistinction to the young men of other 
 countries; his manner and voice both attested 
 that he belonged to a good class; and the
 
 TUE WHITE LACE UOA'NET. 43 
 
 general courtesy of his demeanour showed one 
 who had lived in society. While ho educed an 
 evident desire to enter into conversation and 
 amuse his companion, there was still an appear- 
 ance of agitation and incertitude aboat him, 
 tvhich showed that his mind was wandering very 
 far from the topic hei'ore him. More than once 
 he checked nimself, in the course oi some casual 
 merriment, and became suddenly grave while, 
 from time to time, he whispered to the young 
 lady, with an appearance of anxiety and eager- 
 ness all his endeavours could not effectually 
 conceal. She, too, seemed agitated but, I 
 thought, less so than he ; it might be, however, 
 that from the habitual quietude of her manner, 
 the traits of emotion were less detectable by a 
 stranger. We had not journeyed Car, when 
 several new travellers entered the carriage, and 
 thus broke up the little intercourse which had 
 begun to be established between us. The new 
 arrivals were amusing enough in their way 
 there was a hearty old Quaker from Leeds, who 
 was full c.I a dinner party he had been at with 
 Feargus O'Connor, the day before; there was 
 au interesting young fellow who had obtained a
 
 44 Tin; WHITE I.ACF 
 
 fellowship at Cambridge, and was going down 
 to visit his family ; and lastly, a loud-talking, 
 loud-laughing- member of the tail, in the highest 
 possible spirits at the prospect of Irish politics, 
 and exulting in the festivities he was about to 
 witness at Derrynane Abbey, whither he was 
 then proceeding with some other Dana'ides, to 
 visit what Tom Steele calls "his august 
 leader." My young friends, howevrc.. partook 
 little in the amusement the newiy arrived 
 travellers afforded; they neither relished the 
 broad, quaint, common sense of the Quaker 
 the conversational cleverness of the Cambridge 
 man or the pungent, though somewhat coarse, 
 drollery of the " Emeralder." They sat either 
 totally silent or conversing in a low, indistinct 
 murmur, with their heads turned towards each 
 other. The Quaker left us at Warwick the 
 " Fellow " took his leave soon after and the O' 
 somebody was left behind at a station ; the last 
 thing I heard of him being his frantic shouting 
 as the train moved off, while he was endeavour- 
 ing to swallow a glass of hot brandy and water. 
 We were alone then once more, but somehow the 
 interval which had occurred had chilled the warm
 
 THE \VHITF LACK liOXNLT. I ."> 
 
 current of our intercourse; perhaps, too, the 
 eifects of a long day's journey were telling- on 
 us all, and we felt that indisposition to converse 
 which steals over even the most habitual traveller 
 towards the close of a day on the road. Partly 
 from these causes, and more strongly still front 
 my dislike to obtrude conversation upon those 
 whose minds were evidently pre-occupied, I too 
 lay back in my seat and indulged my own reflec- 
 tions in silence. 
 
 I had sat for some time thus, I know 
 not exactly how long, when the voice of the 
 young lady struck on my ear; it was one of 
 those sweet, tinkling, silver sounds which some- 
 how when heard, however slightly, have the 
 effect at once to dissipate the dull routine of 
 one's own thoughts, and suggest others more 
 relative to the speaker. 
 
 " Had you not better ask him ? " said she ; 
 " I am sure he can tell you." The youth ap- 
 parently demurred, while she insisted the more, 
 and at length, as if yielding to her entreaty, he 
 suddenly turned towards me and said, " I am a 
 perfect stranger here, and would feel obliged if 
 you could inform me which is the best hotel ui
 
 16 THK WHITE LACE BOXXET. 
 
 Liverpool/'' He made a slight pause and added, 
 " I mean a quiet, family hotel." 
 
 " I rarely stop in the town myself," replied 
 I ; " but when I do, to breakfast or dine, I take 
 the Adelphi ; I'm sure you will find it very com- 
 fortable." 
 
 They again conversed for a few moments 
 together, and the young man, with an appear- 
 ance of some hesitation, said, " Do you mean to 
 go there now, Sir ? " 
 
 " Yes," said I, " my intention is to take a 
 hasty dinner before I start in the steamer for 
 Ireland ; I see by my watch I shall have ample 
 time to do so, as we shall arrive full half an 
 hour before our time." 
 
 Another pause, and another little discussion 
 ensued, the only words of which I could catch 
 from the young lady being, "Fin certain he 
 will have no objection." Conceiving that these 
 referred to myself, and guessing at their probable 
 import, I immediately said, " If you will allow 
 me to be your guide, I shall feel most happy tc 
 show you the way ; we can obtain a carriage at 
 the station, and proceed thither at once." 
 
 I was right in my surmise both parties were
 
 THE WHITE LACE BCLYNET. 47 
 
 profuse in their acknowledgments the young 
 man avowing that it was the very request he 
 was about to make when I anticipated him. 
 We arrived in due time at the station, and 
 having assisted rny new acquaintances to alight, 
 I found little difficulty in placing them in a 
 carriage, for luggage they had none, neither 
 portmanteau nor carpet-bag not even a dress- 
 ing-case a circumstance at which, however I 
 might have endeavoured to avoid expressing my 
 wonder, they seemed to feel required an explana- 
 tion at their hands ; both looked confused and 
 abashed nor was it until by busying myself in 
 the details of my own baggage, that I was 
 enabled to relieve them from the embarrassment 
 the circumstance occasioned. 
 
 " Here we are/'' said I : " this is the Adelphi," 
 as we stopped at that comfortable and hospitable 
 portal, through which the fumes of brown gravy 
 and ox-tail float with a savoury odour, as pleasant 
 to him who enters with dinner intentions, as it 
 is tantalising to the listless wanderer without. 
 
 The lady thanked me with a smile, as I handed 
 her into the house, and a very sweet smile too, 
 md one I could have fancied the young man
 
 48 THE WHITE LACE BONNET. 
 
 would have felt a little jealous of, if I had not 
 seen the ten times more fascinating one she 
 
 S? 
 
 bestowed on him. 
 
 The young man acknowledged my slight ser- 
 vice with thanks, and made a half gesture to 
 shake hands at parting, which, though a failure, 
 I rather liked, as evidencing, even in its awk- 
 wardness, a kindness of disposition for so it 
 is. Gratitude smacks poorly when expressed in 
 trim and measured phrase it seems not the 
 natural coinage of the heart when the impression 
 betrays too clearly the mint of the mind. 
 
 " Good-bye," said I, as I watched their re- 
 tiring figures up the wide staircase. " She is 
 devilish pretty and what a good figure I did 
 not think any other than a French woman could 
 adjust her shawl in that fashion/' And with 
 these very soothing reflections I betook myself 
 to the coffee-room, and soon was deep in discus- 
 sing the distinctive merits of mulligatawny, 
 mock-turtle, or mutton chops, or listening to 
 that everlasting psean every waiter in England 
 sings in praise of the " joint." 
 
 In all the luxury of my own little table, with 
 my own little salt-cellar, my own cruet-stand,
 
 " I WATCHED THEIK RETIRING FIGURES UP THE STAIRCASE." 
 
 [P. 49.
 
 THE WHITE LACE BOXXET. 49 
 
 my beer-gla^s, and its younger brother for wine, 
 I sat awaiting the arrival of my fare, and puzzling 
 my brain as to the unknown travellers. Now 
 had they been but clothed in the ordinaiy fashion 
 of the road if the lady had worn a plaid cloak 
 und a beaver bonnet if the gentleman had a 
 brown Taglioni and a cloth cap, with a cigar- 
 case peeping out of his breast-pocket, like every- 
 body else in this smoky world had they but 
 the ordinary allowance of trunks and boxes I 
 should have been coolly conning over the leading 
 article of the Times, or enjoying the spicy leader 
 in the last Examiner; but no they had shrouded 
 themselves in a mystery, though not in gar- 
 ments ; and the result was that I, gifted with 
 that inquiring spirit which Paul Pry informs us 
 is the characteristic of the age, actually tortured 
 myself into a fever as to who and what they 
 might be the origin, the course, and the pro- 
 bable termination of their present adventure 
 for an adventure I determined it must be. 
 " People do such odd things now-a-days," said 
 I, "there's no knowing what the deuce they 
 may be at. I wish I even knew their names, 
 for I am certain I shall read to-morrow or the
 
 50 Tin: WHITE LACK BOXXKT. 
 
 next day in the second column of the Times. 
 1 Why will not W. P. and C. P. return to their 
 afflicted friends ? Write at least write to youi 
 bereaved parents. No. 12, Russell-square;' or, 
 ' If F. M. S. will not inform her mother whither 
 she has gone, the deaths of more than two of 
 the family will be the consequence/ Now could 
 I only find out their names, I could relieve so 
 much family apprehension here comes the soup, 
 however, admirable relief to a worried brain ! 
 how every mouthful swamps reflection ! even 
 the platitude of the waiter's face is, as the 
 Methodists say, "a blessed privilege/' so agree- 
 ably does it divest the mind of a thought the 
 more, and suggest that pleasant vacuity so 
 essential to the hour of dinner. The tureen 
 was gone, and then came one of those strange 
 intervals which all taverns bestow, as if to test 
 the extent of endurance and patience of their 
 guests. 
 
 My thoughts turned at once to their old 
 track. " I have it/' said I, as a bloody-minded 
 suggestion shot through my brain. "This is 
 <t affair of charcoal and oxalic acid this is 
 some danmible device of arsenic or sugar-of-
 
 THE WHITE LACE BOXXET. 
 
 lead these young wretches have come down 
 here to poison themselves,, and be smothered iu 
 that mode latterly introduced among us. There 
 will be a double-locked door and smell of car- 
 bonic gas through the key-hole in the morning. 
 I have it all before me, even to the maudlin 
 letter, with its twenty-one verses of maudlin 
 poetry at the foot of it. I think I hear the 
 coroner's charge, and see the three shillings and 
 eight-pence halfpenny produced before the jury, 
 that were found in the youth's possession, to- 
 gether with a small key and a bill for a luncheon 
 at Birmingham. By Jove, I will prevent it, 
 though; I will spoil their fun this time; if 
 they will have physic, let them have something 
 just as nauseous, but not so injurious. My 
 own notion is a basin of this soup and a slice of 
 the ' joint/ and here it comes ; " and thus my 
 meditations were again destined to be cut short, 
 and reverie gave way to reality. 
 
 I was just helping myself to my second slice 
 of mutton, when the young man entered the 
 coffee-room, and walked towards me. At first, 
 his manner evinced hesitation and indecision, 
 Tad he tuniel to the fire-place, as if with some
 
 52 r!K \VlHTh LACK fiONNh'T. 
 
 change of purpose, then, as if suddenly summon- 
 ing his resolution, he came up to the table at 
 which I sat, and said 
 
 ""Will you favour me with live minutes of 
 your time ? " 
 
 " By all means/' said I : '' sit down here, and 
 I'm your man ; you must excuse me, though, if 
 I proceed with my dinner, as I see it is past six 
 o'clock, and the packet sails at seven/' 
 
 " Pray, proceed," replied he, (i your doing so 
 will in part excuse the liberty I take in obtrud- 
 ing myself upon you." 
 
 He paused, and although I waited for him to 
 resume, he appeared in no humour to do so, but 
 seemed more confused than before. 
 
 " Hang it," said he at length, " I am a very 
 bungliag negotiator, and never, in my life, could 
 manage a matter of any difficulty." 
 
 " Take a glass of sherry," said I, " try if that 
 may not assist to recall your faculties." 
 
 " No, no," cried he, " I have taken a bottle 
 of it already, and, by Jove, I rather think my 
 head is only the more addled. Do you know 
 that I am in a most confounded scrape ? I have 
 run away with that young lady ; we were at ::n
 
 THE WHITE LACE BONNET. 58 
 
 evening party last night together, and came 
 straight away from the supper-table to the 
 train/' 
 
 " Indeed ! " said I, laying down my knife and 
 fork, not a little gratified that I was at length 
 to learn the secret that had so long teased me. 
 " And so you have run away with her ! " 
 
 " Yes ; it was no sudden thought, however 
 at least, it was an old attachment ; I have known 
 her these two months." 
 
 " Oh ! oh ! " said I ; " then there was prudence 
 in the affair." 
 
 " Perhaps you will say so," said he quickly, 
 "when I tell you she has 30,000 in the Funds, 
 and something like 1,700 a-year besides not 
 that I care a straw for the money but, in the 
 eye of the world, that kind of thing has its 
 eclat. 33 
 
 " So it has," said I, " and a very pretty eclai 
 it is, and one that, somehow or another, preserves 
 its attractions much longer than most surprises; 
 but I do not see the scrape after all." 
 
 "I am coming to that," said he, glancing 
 timidly around the room. " The affair occurred 
 this wise : we were at an evening party a kind
 
 54 Til!'; WHITE LACE BONXET. 
 
 of dejeHne, it was, on the Thames Charlotte 
 came with her aunt a shrewish old damsel, 
 that has no love for me ; in fact, she very soon 
 saw my game ; and resolved to thwart it. Well, 
 of course I was obliged to be most circumspect, 
 and did not venture to approach her, not even to 
 ask her to dance, the whole evening. As it grew 
 late, however, I either became more courageous 
 or less cautious, and I did ask her for a waltz. 
 The old lady bristled up at once, and asked for 
 her shawl. Charlotte accepted my invitation, 
 and said she would certainly not retire so early ; 
 and I, to cut the matter short, led her to the 
 top of the room. We waltzed together, and 
 then had a ' gallop/ and after that some cham- 
 pagne, and then another waltz; for Charlotte 
 was resolved to give the old lady a lesson she 
 has spirit for anything ! Well, it was growing 
 late by this time, and we went in search of the 
 aunt at last ; but, by Jove ! she was not to be 
 found. We hunted everywhere for her, looked 
 well in every corner of the supper-room, where 
 it was most likely we should discover her ; and 
 at length, to our mutual horror and dismay, we 
 lee, rued that she had ordered the carriage up a
 
 THE WHIT!': LACE BOXXE7. 55 
 
 full hour before^ and gone off, declaring 1 that she 
 would send Charlotte's father to fetch her home, 
 as she herself possessed no influence over her. 
 Here was a pretty business -the old gentleman 
 being, as Charlotte often told me, the most 
 choleric man in England. He had killed two 
 brother officers in duels, and narrowly escaped 
 being hanged at Maidstoue for shooting a waiter 
 who delayed bringing him the water to shave a 
 pleasant old boy to encounter on such an occa- 
 sion as this ! 
 
 " ' He will certainly shoot me he will shoot 
 you he will kill us both : ' were the only words 
 she could utter ; and my blood actually froze at 
 the prospect before us. You may smile if you 
 like; but let me tell you, that an outraged 
 father, with a pair of patent revolving pistols, 
 is no laughing matter. There was nothing for 
 it, then, but to ' bolt/ She saw that as soon as 
 I did; and although she endeavoured to per- 
 suade me to suffer her to return home alone, 
 that, you know, I never could think of ; and so, 
 after some little demurrings, some tears, and 
 some resistance, we got to the Euston-square 
 station, just as the train was going. You may
 
 56 TIIK WHITE LACK BONJOT. 
 
 easily think that neither of us had much time 
 for preparation. As for myself, I have come 
 away with a ten-pound note in my purse, not a 
 shilling more have I in my possession, and here 
 we are now, half of that sum spent already, and 
 how we are to get on to the north, I cannot foi 
 the life of me conceive.'" 
 
 " Oh ! that's it," said I, peering at him 
 shrewdly from under my eyelids. 
 
 " Yes, that's it ; don't you think it is bad 
 enough ? " and he spoke the words with a reck- 
 less frankness that satisfied all my scruples. 
 " I ought to tell you," said he, " that my name 
 is Blunden; I am lieutenant in the Buffs, on 
 leave; and now that you know my secret, will you 
 lend me twenty pounds 9 which, perhaps, may be 
 enough to carry us forward at least, it will do, 
 until it will be safe for me to write for money " 
 
 " But what would bring you to the north ? " 
 said I ; " why not put yourselves on board the 
 mail-packet this evening, and come to Dublin. 
 We will marry you there just as cheaply ; pur- 
 suit of you will be just as difficult; and, I'd 
 venture to say, you might choose a worse land 
 for the louevmoon."
 
 THE WHITE LACK BOXXKT. 57 
 
 " But I have no money/' said lie ; " you for- 
 got that." 
 
 " For the matter of money/' said I, " make 
 your mind easy. If the young lady is going 
 away with her own consent if, indeed, she is 
 as anxious to get married as you are, make me 
 the banker, and I'll give her away, be the 
 bride's-maid, or anything else you please." 
 
 " You are a trump," said he, helping himself 
 to another glass of my sherry, and then filling 
 out a third, which emptied the bottle, he slapped 
 me on the shoulder, and said, " Here's your 
 health ; now come up-stairs." 
 
 " Stop a moment," said I, " I must see her 
 alone there must be no tampering with the 
 evidence." 
 
 He hesitated for a second, and surveyed me 
 from head to foot; and whether it was the 
 number of my double chins, or the rotundity of 
 my waistcoat, divested his mind of any jealous 
 scruples ; but he smiled coolly, and said, " So 
 you shall, old buck we will never quarrel about 
 that." 
 
 Up-stairs we went accordingly, and into a 
 handsome drawing-room on the first-floor, it
 
 58 THE WillTli LACK BOXXKT. 
 
 one end of which,, with her head buried in hei 
 hands, the young lady was sitting'. 
 
 "Charlotte/'' said he, "this gentleman is 
 kind enough to take an interest in our fortunes, 
 but he desires a few words with you alone." 
 
 I waved my hand to him to prevent his 
 making any further explanation, and as a signal 
 to withdraw- he took the hint and left the 
 room. 
 
 Now, thought I, this is the second act of the 
 drama what the deuce am I to do here ? In 
 the first place, some might deem it my duty to 
 admonish the young damsel on the impropriety 
 of the step, to draw an afflicting picture of her 
 family, to make her weep bitter tears, and end 
 by persuading her to take a first-class ticket in 
 the up-train. This would be the grand parento- 
 moral line, and I shame to confess it, it was 
 never my forte. Secondly, I might pursue the 
 inquiry suggested by myself, and ascertain her 
 real sentiments. This might be called the 
 amico-auxiliary line. Or, lastly, I might try a 
 little what might be done on my own score, and 
 not see 30,000 and 1,700 a-year squandered 
 by a cigar-smoking lieutenant in the Buffs. As
 
 TII1-: WlIITIi LACK P.OXXKT. O'J 
 
 there may be different opinions about this line, 
 1 shall not give it a name. Suffice it to say, 
 that, notwithstanding a sly peep at as pretty a 
 throat, and as well-rounded an instep, as ever 
 tempted a " government Mercury," I was true 
 to my trust, and opened the negotiation on the 
 honest footing. 
 
 " Do you love hi-rn, my little darling ? " said 
 I ; for somehow consolation always struck me 
 as own-brother to love-making. It is like en- 
 dorsing a bill for a friend, which, though he 
 tells you he'll meet, you always feel responsible 
 for the money. 
 
 She turned upon me an arch look. By St. 
 Patrick, I half regretted I had not tried number 
 three, as in the sweetest imaginable voice, she 
 said 
 
 " Do you doubt it ? " 
 
 " I wish I could," thought I to myself. No 
 matter, it was too late for regrets, and so I 
 ascertained, in a very few minutes, that she 
 corroborated every portion of the statement, and 
 was as deeply interested in the success of the 
 adventure as himself. 
 
 "That will do," said I. "He is a lucky
 
 60 THE WHITE LACK BOXXET. 
 
 fellow I always heard the Buffs were ; " and 
 with that I descended to the coffee-room, where 
 the young man awaited me with the greatest 
 anxiety. 
 
 "Are yon satisfied?" cried he, as I entered 
 the room. 
 
 "Perfectly/" was my answer. "And now 
 let us lose no more time; it wants but a 
 quarter to seven, and we must be on board in 
 ten minutes/'' 
 
 As I have already remarked, my fellow- 
 travellers were not burdened with luggage, so 
 there was little difficulty in expediting their 
 departure ; and in half an hour from that time 
 we were gliding down the Mersey, and gazing 
 on the spangled lamps which glittered over that 
 great city of soap, sugar, and sassefras, train- 
 oil, timber, and tallow. The young lady soon 
 went below, as the night was chilly; but 
 Blunden and myself walked the deck until 
 near twelve o'clock, chatting over whatever 
 came uppermost, and giving me an opportunity 
 to perceive that, without possessing any remark- 
 able ability or cleverness, he was one of those 
 off-hand, candid, dear-headed young fellows,
 
 THE nHITE LACE BOXXET. 61 
 
 who, when trained in the admirable discipline of 
 the mess, become the excellent specimens of 
 well-conducted, well-mannered gentlemen our 
 army abounds with. 
 
 We arrived in due course in Dublin. I took 
 my friends up to Morrison's, drove with them 
 after breakfast to a fashionable milliner's, where 
 the young lady, with an admirable taste, selected 
 such articles of dress as she cared for, and I then 
 saw them duly married. I do not mean to say 
 that the ceremony was performed by a bishop, 
 or that a royal duke gave her away ; neither can 
 I state that the train of carriages comprised the 
 equipages of the leading nobility. I only vouch 
 for the fact that a little man, with a black eye 
 and a sinister countenance, read a ceremony of 
 his own composing, and made them write their 
 names in a great book, and pay thirty shillings 
 for his services ; after which I put a fifty-pound 
 note into Blunden's hand ; saluted the bride, and, 
 wishing them every health and happiness, took 
 my leave. 
 
 They started at once with four posters for the 
 north, intending to cross over to Scotland. My 
 engagements induced me to leave town for Cork,
 
 (r,: Tin-; \VIIITI-: LACE BOXXET. 
 
 and in less than a fortnight I found at mv club 
 a letter from Blunden, inclosing the fifty pounds, 
 with a thousand thanks for my prompt kind- 
 ness^ and innumerable affectionate reminiscences 
 
 from Madame. They were as happy as 
 
 cenfound it, even-one is happy for a week or a 
 fortnight, so I crushed the letter pitched it 
 into the fire was rather pleased with myself 
 for what I had done, and thought no more of 
 the whole transaction. 
 
 Here, then, my tale should have an end, and 
 the moral is obvious. Indeed, I am not certain 
 but some may prefer it to that which the suc- 
 ceeding portion conveys, thinking that the 
 ccdicil revokes the body of the testament. 
 However that may be, here goes for it. 
 
 It was about a year after this adventure, that 
 I made one of a party of six, travelling up to 
 London by the " Grand Junction." The com- 
 pany were <:hatty, pleasant folk, and the conver- 
 sation, as often happens among utter strangers, 
 became anecdotic ; many good stories were told 
 in turn, and many pleasant comments made on 
 them, when at length it occurred to me to 
 mention the somewhat singular rencontre I have
 
 THE WHITE LACE BOXXLT. f>3 
 
 already narrated, as having happened to my- 
 self. 
 
 " Strange enough," said I, " the last time I 
 journeyed along this line, nearly this time last 
 year, a very remarkable occurrence took place. 
 I happened to fall in with a young officer of the 
 Buffs, eloping with an exceedingly pretty girl ; 
 she had a large fortune, and was in every respect 
 a great ( catch ; ' he ran away with her from an 
 evening party, and never remembered until he 
 arrived at Liverpool, that he had no money 
 for the journey. In this dilemma, the young 
 fellow, rather spooney about the whole thing, I 
 think would have gone quietly back by the next 
 train, but, by Jove, I couldn't satisfy my con- 
 science that so lovely a girl should be treated in 
 such a manner. I rallied his courage ; took him 
 over to Ireland in the packet, and got them 
 married the next morning." 
 
 " Have I caught you at last, you old, 
 meddling scoundrel ! " cried a voice, hoarse 
 and discordant with passion, from the opposite 
 side, and at the same instant a short, thick-set 
 old man, with shoulders like a Hercules, sprung 
 at me ; with one hand he clutched me bv the
 
 P>4 THK Will' 
 
 throat, and with the other he pummelled mv 
 head against the panel of the convevance, and 
 with such violenee ; that many peopk in the next 
 carriage averred that they thought we had run 
 into the down train. So sudden was the old 
 wretch's attack, and so infuriate withal, it took 
 the united force of the other passengers to 
 detach him from my neck ; and even then, as 
 they drew him off, he kicked at me like a 
 demon. 
 
 Never lias it been my lot to witness such an 
 outbreak of wrath ; and, indeed, were I to judge 
 from the symptoms it occasioned, the old fellow 
 had better not repeat it, or assuredly apoplexy 
 would follow. 
 
 "That villain that old ruffian/' said he, 
 glaring at me with flashing eyeballs, while he 
 menaced me with his closed fist, " that cursed, 
 meddling scoundrel is the cause of the greatest 
 calamity of my life." 
 
 "Are you her father, then?" articulated I 
 faintly, for a misgiving came over me that my 
 boasted benevolence might prove a mistake. 
 " Are you her father ? " The words were not 
 out, when he dashed at me once more, and were
 
 THK \V11ITJ. LACK JiO.VNKT. (i 
 
 it not for the watchfulness of the others, in- 
 evitably had finished me. 
 
 "I've heard of you, my old buck," said I, 
 affecting a degree of ease and security my heart 
 sadly belied, " I've heard of your dreadful 
 temper already I know you can't control your- 
 self. I know all about the waiter at Maidstone. 
 By Jove, they did not wrong you, and I am not 
 surprised at your poor daughter leaving you " 
 but he would not suffer me to conclude, and 
 once more his wrath boiled over, and all the 
 efforts of the others were barely sufficient to 
 calm him into a semblance of reason. 
 
 There would be an end to my narrative if I 
 endeavoured to convey to my reader the scene 
 which followed, or recount the various outbreaks 
 of passion which ever and anon interrupted the 
 old man, and induced him to diverge into sundry 
 little by-ways of lamentation over his misfor- 
 tune, and curses upon my meddling interference. 
 Indeed, his whole narrative was conducted more 
 in the staccato style of an Italian opera father, 
 than in the homely wrath of an English parent. 
 The wind-up of these dissertations being always 
 to the one purpose, as with a look of scowling
 
 60 I'llK WHITE LACE I5UXXET. 
 
 passion, directed towards me, he said,, " Only 
 wait till we reach the station, and see if I won't 
 do for you.'" 
 
 His tale, in few words, amounted to this. He 
 was the Squire Blunden the father of the lieu- 
 tenant in the " Buffs." The youth had formed 
 an attachment to a lady, whom he had acci- 
 dentally met in a Margate steamer. The cir- 
 cumstances of her family and fortune were 
 communicated to him in confidence by herself ; 
 and although she expressed her conviction of 
 the utter impossibility of obtaining her father's 
 consent to an untitled match, she as resolutely 
 refused to elope with him. The result, how- 
 ever, was as we have seen ; she did elope was 
 married they made a wedding tour in the 
 Highlands, and returned to Blunden Hall two 
 months after, where the old gentleman welcomed 
 them with affection and forgiveness. About a 
 fortnight after their return, it was deemed 
 necessary to make inquiry as to the circum- 
 stances of her estate and funded property, 
 when the young lady fell upon her knees 
 wept bitterly said she had not a sixpence 
 that the whole thing was a " ruse ; " that she
 
 TITE WHITE T,ACK BOXXET. B? 
 
 had paid five pounds for a choleric father, three 
 ten for an aunt, warranted to wear " satin ; " in 
 fact, that she had been twice married before, 
 and had heavy misgiving's that the husbands 
 were still living. 
 
 There was nothing left for it but compromise. 
 " I gave her," said he, " five hundred pounds 
 to go to the devil, and I registered, the same 
 day, a solemn oath, that if ever I met this same 
 Tramp, he should carry the impress of my 
 knuckles on his face to the day of his death/' 
 
 The train reached Harrow as the old gentle- 
 man spoke. I waited until it was again in 
 motion, and, flinging wide the door, I sprang 
 out, and from that day to this have strictly 
 avoided forming acquaintance with a white lace 
 bonnet, even at a distance, or ever befriending a 
 lieutenant in the Buffs.
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 GOT into the Dover "down train" at 
 the station, and after seeking for a 
 place in two or three of the leading 
 carriages, at last succeeded in obtaining one, 
 where there were only two other passengers. 
 These were a lady and a gentleman the former, 
 a young, pleasing-looking girl, dressed in quiet 
 mourning ; the latter was a tall, gaunt, bilious- 
 looking man, with grisly grey hair, and an 
 extravagantly aquiline nose. I guessed, from 
 the positions they occupied in the carriage, that 
 they were not acquaintances, and my conjecture 
 proved subsequently true. The young lady was 
 pale, like one in delicate health, and seemed very
 
 : SHE AIN'T ASLEEP NOT A BIT OF IT." 
 
 " WE TRAVELLED OVER THE HOT SAND."
 
 FAST AJSLEEl' AXD WIDE AWAKE. 69 
 
 weary and tired,, for she was fast asleep as I 
 entered the carriage, and did not awake, not- 
 withstanding- all the riot and disturbance incident 
 to the station. I took my place directly in front 
 of my fellow-travellers, and whether from mere 
 accident, or from the passing interest a pretty 
 face inspires, cast my eyes towards the lady : 
 the gaunt man opposite fixed on me a look of 
 inexpressible shrewdness, and with a very solemn 
 shake of his head, whispered in a low under- 
 tone 
 
 " No ! no ! not a bit of it, she ain't asleep 
 they never do sleep never ! " 
 
 Oh ! thought I to myself, there's another 
 class of people not remarkable for over-drowsi- 
 ness; for, to say truth, the expression of the 
 speaker's face, and the oddity of his words, 
 made me suspect that he was not a miracle of 
 sanity. The reflection had scarcely passed 
 through my mind, when he arose softly from 
 bis seat, and assumed a place beside me. 
 
 " You thought she was f ast/' said he, as he 
 laid his hand familiarly on my arm ; " I know 
 you did I saw it the moment yon came into 
 the carriage."
 
 70 FAST ASLKEP A\D WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 Why I did think 
 
 " Ah ! that's deceived many a one ; Lord 
 bless you, Sir, they are not understood, no one 
 knows them ; " and at these words he heaved a 
 profound sigh, and dropped liis head upon hia 
 bosom, as though the sentiment had over 
 whelmed him with affliction. 
 
 "Riddles, Sir," said he to in;, with a glare 
 of his eyes that really looked formidable. 
 " Sphinxes, that's what they are are you 
 married ? " whispered he. 
 
 " No, Sir," said I, politely, for a* I began fr 
 entertain more serious douhts of my companion's 
 intellect, I resolved to treat him with every 
 civility. 
 
 " I don't believe it matters a fig," said he, 
 " the Pope of Rome knows as much about them 
 as Blue Beard." 
 
 " Indeed," said I, " are these your senti- 
 ments ? " 
 
 "They are," replied he, in a still lower 
 whisper, " and if we were to talk modern Greek 
 this moment, I would not say but she " and 
 here he made a gesture towards the young lady 
 opposite "but she would know every word of
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKi-. 71 
 
 it; it is not supernatural. Sir, because the law 
 is universal, but it is a most what shall I say, 
 Sir ? a most extraordinary provision of nature 
 wonderful ! most wonderful ! " 
 
 "In Heaven's name, why did they let him 
 out ? " exclaimed I to myself. 
 
 " Now she is pretending to awake," said IK?, 
 as he nudged me with his elbow ; " watch her, 
 see how well she will do it." Then turning to 
 the lady, he added in a louder voice 
 
 "You have had a refreshing- sleep, I trust, 
 Ma'am?" 
 
 " A very heavy one," answered she, " for I 
 was greatly fatigued." 
 
 " Did not I tell you so ? " whispered he again 
 in my ear ; " oh ! " and here he gave a deep 
 groan, "when they're in delicate health, and 
 they're greatly fatigued, there's no being up to 
 them ! " 
 
 The remainder of our journey was not long in 
 getting over, but brief as it was, I could no f 
 help feeling annoyed at the pertinacity with 
 which the bilious gentleman purposely misunder- 
 stood every word the young lady spoke. The 
 most plain, matter-of-fact observations from
 
 7:2 FAST ASLKKL' AND WIDB AWAKE. 
 
 her were received by him as though she was a 
 monster of duplicity ; and a casual mistake, as 
 to the name of a station, he pounced upon, as 
 though it were a wilful and intentional untruth. 
 This conduct,, on his part, was made ten times 
 worse to me, by his continued nudgings of the 
 elbow, sly winks, and muttered sentences of 
 " you hear that " " there's more of it " " you 
 would not credit it now," etc. ; until at length 
 he succeeded in silencing the poor girl, who, in 
 all likelihood, set us both down for the two 
 greatest savages in England. 
 
 On arriving at Dover, although I was the 
 bearer of despatches requiring the utmost haste, 
 a dreadful hurricane from the eastward, accom- 
 panied by a tremendous swell, prevented any 
 packet venturing out to sea. The commander 
 of " The Hornet/' however, told me, should 
 the weather, as was not improbable, moderate 
 towards daybreak, he would do his best to run 
 me over to Calais ; " only be ready," said he, 
 "at a moment's notice, for I will get the steam 
 up, and be off in a jiffey, whenever the tide 
 begins to ebb." In compliance with this in- 
 junction, I determined not to go to bed, and
 
 if AST ASLEEP AN'D WIDE AWAKE. 73 
 
 ;rdering my supper in a private room, I pre- 
 pared myself to pass the intervening time as 
 well as might be. 
 
 " Mr. Yellowley's compliments," said the 
 waiter, as I broke the crust of a veal pie, and 
 obtained a bird's-eye view of that delicious in- 
 terior, where hard eggs and jelly, mushrooms, 
 and kidney, were blended together in a delicious 
 harmony of colouring. " Mr. Yellowley's com- 
 pliments, Sir, and will take it as a great favour, 
 if he might join you at supper." 
 
 " Have not the pleasure of knowing him," 
 said I, shortly " bring me a pint of sherry 
 don't know Mr. Yellowley." 
 
 " Yes, but you do though," said the gaunt 
 man of the railroad, as he entered the room, 
 with four cloaks on one arm, and two umbrellas 
 under the other. 
 
 " Oh ! it's you," said I, half-rising from my 
 chair, for in spite of my annoyance at the intru- 
 sion, a certain degree of fear of my companion 
 overpowered me. 
 
 " Yes," said he, solemnly " can you untie 
 this cap ? the string has got into a black-knot, 
 1 fear ; " and so he bent down his huge face.
 
 74 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 while I endeavoured to iclieve him of his head- 
 piece,, wondering within myself whether they 
 had shaved him at the asylum. 
 
 "Ah, that's comfortable!" said he at last, 
 and he drew his chair to the table, and helped 
 himself to a considerable portion of the pie. 
 which he covered profusely with red pepper. 
 
 Little conversation passed during- the meal. 
 My companion ate voraciously, filling 1 up every 
 little pause that occurred by a groan or a sigh, 
 whose vehemence and depth were strangely in 
 contrast with his enjoyment of the good cheer. 
 When the supper was over, and the waiter had 
 placed fresh glasses, and with that gentle signifi- 
 cance of his craft, had deposited the decanter, in 
 which a spoonful of sherry remained, directly in 
 front of me, Mr. Yellowley looked at me for a 
 moment, threw up his eyebrows, and with an 
 air of more ' ' bonhommie " than I thought he 
 could muster, said 
 
 " You will have no objection, I hope, to a 
 little warm brandy and water." 
 
 " None whatever ; and the less, if I may add 
 a cigar." 
 
 " Agreed/' said he.
 
 FAST ASLKEP AXD WIDE A \VAKL. I.) 
 
 These ingredients of our comfort hieing pro- 
 duced, and the waiter having left the room, Mr. 
 Yellowley stirred the fire into a cheerful blaze, 
 and nodding amicably towards me, said 
 
 "Your health, Sir; I should like to have 
 added your name." 
 
 " Tramp Tilbury Tramp," said I, " at your 
 service." I would have added Q.C., as the 
 couriers took that lately, but it leads to mis- 
 takes, so I said nothing about it. 
 
 " Mr. Tramp," said my companion, while he 
 placed one hand in his waistcoat, in that atti- 
 tude so favoured by John Kemble and Napoleon. 
 " You are a young man ? " 
 
 " Forty-two," said I, " if I live till June." 
 
 " You might be a hundred and forty-two, 
 Sir." 
 
 " Lord bless you ! " said I, " I don't look so 
 old." 
 
 " I repeat it," said he, " you might be a 
 hundred and forty-two, and not know a whit 
 more about them." 
 
 Here we are, thought I, back on the mono- 
 mania. 
 
 " You may smile," said he, " it was an un-
 
 76 FAST i.SLKKP AND \VIDK AWAKE. 
 
 generous insinuation ; nothing was further from 
 my thoughts but it's true, they require the 
 study of a lifetime talk of Law, or Physic, 
 or Divinity, it's child's play, Sir. Now, you 
 thought that young girl was asleep." 
 
 " Why, she certainly looked so." 
 
 " Looked so/' said he, with a sneer ; " what 
 do I look like ? do I look like a man of sense or 
 intelligence ? " 
 
 " I protest," said I, cautiously, " I won't 
 suffer myself to be led away by appearances ; 1 
 would not wish to be unjust to you." 
 
 " Well, Sir, that artful young woman's decep- 
 tion of you has preyed upon me ever since ; I 
 was going on to Walmer to-night, but I couldn't 
 leave this without seeing you once more, and 
 giving you a caution." 
 
 " Dear me. I thought nothing about it. 
 You took the matter too much to heart." 
 
 " Too much to heart," said he, with a bitter 
 sneer ; " that's the cant that deceives half the 
 world. If men, Sir, instead of undervaluing 
 these small and apparently trivial circumstances, 
 would but recall their experiences, chronicle their 
 facts, as Bacon recommended so wisely, we should
 
 J-A.-5T A.SL;:Ei' AXD \VlDi; A\VAKi:. / i 
 
 possess some safe data to go upon, in our esti- 
 mate of that deceitful sex." 
 
 " I fear/' said I, half timidly, " you have 
 been ill-treated by the ladies ? " 
 
 A deep groan was the only response. 
 
 "Come, come, bear up," said I, "you are 
 young, and a fine-looking man still " (he was 
 sixty, if he was an hour, and had a face like the 
 figure-head of a war-steamer) . 
 
 "I will tell you a story, Mr. Tramp," said 
 he, solemnly, " a story to which, probably, no 
 historian, from Polybius to Hoffman, has ever 
 recorded a parallel. I am not aware, Sir, that 
 any man has sounded the oceanic depths of that 
 perfidious gulf a woman's heart ; but I, Sir, I 
 have at least added some facts to the narrow 
 stock of our knowledge regarding it. Listen to 
 this :" 
 
 I replenished my tumbler of brandy and 
 water, looked at my watch, and, finding I still 
 had two hours to spare, lent a not unwilling ear 
 to my companion's story. 
 
 "For the purpose of my tale/' said Mr. 
 Yellowley, "it is unnecessary that I should 
 mention any incident of my life more remote
 
 78 FAST ASLEEI AND WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 than a couple of years back. About that time 
 it was that, iising all the influence of very 
 powerful friends, I succeeded in obtaining the 
 consul-generalship at Stralsund. My arrange- 
 ments for departure were made with considerable 
 despatch ; but on the very week of my leaving 
 England, an old friend of mine was appointed 
 to a situation of considerable trust in the East, 
 whither he was ordered to repair, I may say, at 
 a moment's notice. Never was there such a 
 'contretemps? He longed for the north of 
 Europe I, with equal ardour, wished for a 
 tropical climate ; and here were we both going 
 in the very direction antagonist to our wishes ! 
 My friend's appointment was a much more 
 lucrative one than mine ; but so anxious was he 
 for a residence more congenial to his taste, that 
 he would have exchanged without a moment's 
 hesitation. 
 
 " By a mere accident, I mentioned this cir- 
 cumstance to the friend who had procured my 
 promotion. Well, with the greatest alacrity, he 
 volunteered his services to effect the exchange, 
 and with such energy did he fulfil his pledge, 
 that on the following evening I received an
 
 FAST ASLFF.P AND WIDF, AWAKE. 79 
 
 express, informing me of my altered destination, 
 but directing- me to proceed to Southampton on 
 the next day, and sail by the Oriental steamer. 
 This was speedy work, Sir ; but as my prepara- 
 tions for a journey had long been made, I had 
 very little to do, but exchange some bear-skins 
 with my friend for cotton shirts and jackets, 
 and we both were accommodated. Never were 
 two men in higher spirits he, with his young 
 wife, delighted at escaping what he called 
 banishment I, equally happy in my anticipa- 
 tion of the glorious East. 
 
 " Among the many papers forwarded to me 
 from the Foreign Office was a special order for 
 free transit the whole way to Calcutta. This 
 document set forth the urgent necessity there 
 existed to pay me every possible attention ' en 
 route ; ' in fact, it was a sort of Downing-street 
 firman, ordering all whom it might concern to 
 take care of Simon Yellowley, nor permit him 
 to suffer any let, impediment, or inconvenience, 
 on the road. But a strange thing, Mr. Tramp 
 a veiy strange thing was in this paper. In 
 the exchange of my friend's appointment for my 
 own, the clerk had merely insertel my name in
 
 SO FAST ASLT:KP AXD WIDF, AWAKE. 
 
 Hcu of his in all the papers; and then, Siv, what 
 should I discover "but that this free transit ex- 
 tended to ' Mr. Yellowley and lady/ while, 
 doubtless, my poor friend was obliged to travel 
 'en gargon.' This extraordinary blunder I 
 only discovered when leaving 1 London in the 
 train. 
 
 " We were a party of three, Sir." Here he 
 groaned deeply. " Three just as it might be 
 this very day. I occupied the place that you 
 did this morning, while opposite to me were a 
 lady and a gentleman. The gentleman was an 
 old, round-faced little man chatty and merry 
 after his fashion. The lady the lady, Sir if 
 I had never seen her but that day, I should now 
 call her an angel. Yes, Mr. Tramp, I flatter 
 myself that few men understand female beauty 
 better. I admire the cold regularity and im- 
 passive loveliness of the North, I glory in the 
 voluptuous magnificence of Italian beauty; I 
 can relish the sparkling coquetry of France, the 
 plaintive quietness and sleepy tenderness of 
 Germany; nor do I undervalue the brown 
 pellucid skin and flashing eye of the Malabar : 
 but she, Sir, she was something higher than all
 
 FAST ASLEEP AXD WIDE A \VAKK. SI 
 
 these ; and it so chanced that I had ample tiim 
 to observe her, for when I entered the carriage 
 she was asleep asleep," said he, with a bittei 
 mockery Macready might have envied. " Why 
 s o I say asleep ? No, Sir ! she was in that 
 factitious trance, that wiliest device of Satan's 
 own creation, a woman's asleep the thing 
 invented, Sir, merely to throw the shadow of 
 dark lashes on a marble cheek, and leave beauty 
 'jo sink into man's heart without molestation. 
 Sleep, Sir ! the whole mischief the world 
 does in its waking moments, is nothing to the 
 doings of such slumber 1 If she did not sleep, 
 how could that braid of dark-brown hair fall 
 loosely down upon her blue- veined hand ; if she 
 did not sleep how could the colour tinge with 
 such evanescent loveliness the cheek it scarcely 
 coloured ; if she did not sleep, how could her 
 lips smile with the sweetness of some passing 
 /bought, thus half recorded ? No, Sir; she had 
 been obliged to have sat bolt upright, with her 
 gloves on and her veil down. She neither could 
 have shown the delicious roundness of her throat, 
 nor the statue-like perfection of her instep. 
 But sleep, sleep is responsible for nothing.
 
 82 FAST ASI.KEP AXD WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 Ob ! why did not Macbeth murder it. as be said 
 be bad ! 
 
 " If I were ;i k'gislator. Sir, I'd prohibit any 
 woman under forty-three from sleeping in a 
 public conveyance. It is downright dangerous 
 I wouldn't say it ain't immoral. The im- 
 moveable aspect of placid beauty, Mr. Tramp, 
 etberealises a woman. The shrewd housewife 
 becomes a houri ; and a milliner ay, Sir, a 
 milliner might be a Maid of Judah under such 
 circumstances ! " 
 
 Mr. Yellowley seemed to have run himself out 
 of breath with this burst of enthusiasm, for he 
 was unable to resume his narrative until several 
 minutes after, when he proceeded thus 
 
 " The fat gentleman and myself were soon 
 engaged in conversation. He was hastening 
 down to bid some friends good-bye, ere they 
 sailed for India. I was about to leave my 
 native country, too perhaps for ever. 
 
 " ( Yes, Sir/ said I, addressing him, ' Heaven 
 knows when I shall behold these green valleys 
 again if ever. I have just been appointed 
 Secretary and Chief Counsellor to the Political 
 Resident at the court of the Rajah of Santan-
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE. V3 
 
 cantantarabad ! a most important post three 
 thousand eight hundred and forty-seven miles 
 heyond the Himalaya/ 
 
 " And here with, I trust, a pardonable pride 
 I showed him the government order for my 
 free transit, with the various directions and 
 injunctions concerning my personal comfort and 
 safety. 
 
 "'Ah/ said the old gentleman, putting on 
 his spectacles to read, ' ah, I never beheld one of 
 these before. Very curious very curious, indeed 
 I have seen a sheriffs writ, and an execution, 
 but this is far more remarkable ' Simon 
 Yellowley, Esq., and lady/ Eh ? so your lady 
 accompanies you, Sir ? ' 
 
 " 'Would she did would to Heaven she did ! ' 
 exclaimed I, in a transport. 
 
 " ' Oh, then, she's afraid, is she ? She dreads 
 the blacks, I suppose/ 
 
 " ' No, Sir ; I am not married. The insertion 
 of these words was a mistake of the official who 
 made out my papers ; for, alas ! I am alone in 
 the world/ 
 
 "'But why don't you marry, Sir?' said the 
 little man, briskly, and with an eye glistening 
 
 G
 
 84- FAST A..SLLLP AXD V.'iur. AV.'AXE. 
 
 with Daternity. ' Young ladies ain't scare* 
 
 most true; but even supposing 1 
 were fortunate enough to meet the object oi: 
 my wishes, I have no time. I received this ap- 
 pointment last evening ; to-day I am here, to- 
 morrow I shall be on the billows ! } 
 
 "'Ah, that's unfortunate indeed very un- 
 fortunate/ 
 
 " ' Had I but one week a day ay, an hour, 
 Sir/ said I, ' I'd make an offer of my brilliant 
 position to some lovely creature, who, tired of 
 the dreary North and its gloomy skies, would 
 prefer the unclouded heaven of the Himalaya, 
 and the perfumed breezes of the valley oic 
 Santancantantarabad ! ' 
 
 " A lightly-breathed sigh fell from the sleep- 
 ing beauty, and at the same time a smile of in- 
 expressible sweetness played upon her lips: But 
 like the ripple upon a glassy stream, that, dis- 
 appearing, left all placid and motionless again, 
 the fair features were in a moment calm as 
 before. 
 
 " ( She lo^ks delicate/ whispered my com- 
 panion.
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE. H5 
 
 " ' Our detestable climate ! ' said I, bitterly, 
 for she coughed twice at the instant. 'Oh, why 
 are the loveliest flowers the offspring of the 
 deadliest soil ! ' 
 
 " She awoke, not suddenly or abruptly, but as 
 Venus might have risen from the sparkling sea 
 and thrown the dew-drops from her hair, and 
 then she opened her eyes. Mr. Tramp, do you 
 understand eyes ? " 
 
 " I can't say I have any skill that way to 
 speak of." 
 
 " I am sorry for it deeply, sincerely sorry ; 
 for to the uninitiated these things seem nought. 
 It would be as unprofitable to put a Rembrandt 
 before a blind man, as discuss the aesthetics of 
 eyelashes with the unbeliever. But you will 
 understand me when I say that her eyes were 
 blue blue as the Adriatic ! not the glassy 
 doll's-eye blue, that shines and glistens with a 
 metallic lustre ; nor that false depth, more gray 
 than blue, that resembles a piece of tea-lead; 
 but the colour of the sea, as you behold it five 
 fathoms down, beside the steep rocks of Genoa ! 
 And what an ocean is a woman's eye, with 
 bright thoughts floating through it, and love
 
 bb FAST ASLEEP iXD AVIDK AWAKE. 
 
 lurking at the bottom ! Am I tedious, Mr. 
 Tramp ? " 
 
 "No ; fur from it only very poetical." 
 
 "Ah, I was once/' said Mr. Yellowley with 
 a deep sigh. "I used to write sweet things 
 for 'The New Monthly;' but Campbell was 
 very jealous of me couldn't abide me. Poor 
 Campbell ! he had his failings like the rest 
 of us. 
 
 "Well, Sir, to resume. We arrived at 
 Southampton, but only in time to hasten down 
 to the pier, and take boat for the ship. The 
 blue-peter was flying at the mast-head, and 
 people hurrying away to say ' good-bye ' for the 
 last time. I, Sir, I alone had no farewells to 
 take. Simon Yellowley was leaving his native 
 soil, unwept and unregretted ! Sad thoughts, 
 these, Mr. Tramp very sad thoughts. Well, 
 Sir, we are aboard at last, above a hundred of 
 us, standing amid the lumber of our carpet- 
 bags, dressing-cases and hat-boxes, half blinded 
 by the heavy spray of the condensed steam, and 
 all deafened by the din. 
 
 " The world of a great packet-ship, Mr. 
 Tramp, is a very selfish world, and not a bad
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKi:. 
 
 epitome of i.:s relative on shore. Human weak- 
 nesses are so hemmed in by circumstances the 
 frailties that would have been dissipated in a 
 wider space are so concentrated by compression, 
 that middling people grow bad, and the bad 
 become regular demons. There is, therefore, no 
 such miserable den of selfish and egotistical 
 caballing, slander, gossip, and all malevolence, 
 is one of these. Envy of the man with a large 
 oerth sneers for the lady that whispered to the 
 captain guesses as to the rank and station of 
 every passenger, indulged in with a spirit of 
 impertinence absolutely intolerable, and petty 
 exclusiveness practised by every four or five on 
 board, against some others who have fewer 
 servants or less luggage than their neighbours. 
 Into this human bee-hive was I now plunged, to 
 be bored by the drones, stung by the wasps, and 
 maddened by all. No matter, thought I, Simon 
 Yellowley has a great mission to fulfil. Yes, 
 Mr. Tramp, I remembered the precarious position 
 of our Eastern possessions I bethought me of 
 the incalculable services the ability of even a 
 Yellowley might render his country in the far- 
 off valley of the Himalaya, and I sat down on
 
 88 FAST ASLEFP AXD WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 my portmanteau, a happier nay, i will say a 
 better man. 
 
 " The accidents we call them such every day 
 the accidents which fashion our lives, are always 
 of our own devising, if we only were to take 
 trouble enough to trace them. I have a theory 
 on this head, but Fm keeping it over for a kind 
 of a Bridgewater Treatise. It is enough now to 
 remark, that though my number at the dinner- 
 table was 84, I exchanged with another gentle- 
 man, who couldn't bear a draught, for a place 
 near the door, No. 122. Ah, me ! little knew I 
 then what that simple act was to bring with it. 
 Bear in mind, Mr. Tramp, 122, for as you may 
 remember, Sancho Panza's story of the goatherd 
 stopped short, when his master forgot the 
 number of the goats; and that great French 
 novelist, M. de Balzac, always hangs the interest 
 of his tale on some sum in arithmetic, in which 
 his hero's fortune is concerned so my stoiy 
 bears upon this number. Yes, Sir, the adjoin- 
 ing seat, No. 123, was vacant. There was a 
 cover and a napkin, and there was a chair placed 
 leaning against the table, to mark it out as 
 the property of some one absent, and day by
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND W7DK AWAKM. .VJ 
 
 day was that vacant place the object of my con- 
 jectures. It was natural this should be the case. 
 .My left-hand neighbour was the first mate, one 
 of those sea animals most detestable to a lands- 
 man. He had a sea appetite, a sea voice, sea 
 jokes, and, worst of all, a sea laugh. I shall 
 never forget that fellow. I never spoke to him 
 that he did not reply in some slang of his 
 abominable profession ; and all the disagreeables 
 of a floating existence were increased ten-fold 
 by the everlasting reference to the hated theme 
 a ship. What he on the right hand might 
 prove, was therefore of some moment to me. 
 Another ' Coup de mer ' like this would be un- 
 endurable. The Grossest old maid, the testiest 
 old bachelor, the most peppery nabob, the 
 flattest ensign, the most boring of tourists, the 
 most careful of mothers, would be a boon from 
 heaven in comparison with a blue-jacket. Alas ! 
 Mr. Tramp, I was left very long to speculate on 
 this subject; we were buffeted down the 
 Channel, we were tossed along the coast of 
 France, and blown about the Bay of Biscay 
 before 123 ever turned up; when one day it 
 was a deliciously calm day, (I shall not forget
 
 90 FAST ASLEEP AXD WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 it soon) we even could see the coast of 
 Portugal, with its great mountains above Cintra. 
 Over a long reach of sea, gla?sy as a mirror, the 
 great ship clove her way the long foam-track 
 in her wake, the only stain on that blue surface. 
 Everyone was on deck : the old asthmatic 
 gentleman, whose cough was the curse of the 
 after-cabin, sat with a boa round his neck, and 
 thought he enjoyed himself. Ladies in twos 
 and threes walked up and down together, 
 chatting as pleasantly as though in Kensington 
 gardens. The tourist, sent out by Mr. Colburn, 
 was taking notes of the whole party, and the 
 four officers in the Bengal Light Horse had 
 adjourned their daily brandy and water, to a 
 little awning beside the wheel. There were 
 sketch-books, and embroidery-frames, and jour- 
 nals, on all sides ; there was even a guitar, with 
 a blue ribbon roimd it ; and amid all these re- 
 mindings of shore life, a fat poodle waddled 
 about, and snarled at everyone. The calm, Sir, 
 was a kind of doomsday, which evoked the dead 
 from their tombs, and up they came from in- 
 describable corners and nooks, opening their 
 eyes with amazement upon the strange world
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE. 01 
 
 before them, and some almost feeling- that even 
 the ordeal of sea-sickness was not too heavy a 
 penalty for an hour so bright, though so 
 fleeting-. 
 
 " Which is 123? thought I, as I elbowed my 
 way along the crowded quarter-deck, now asking 
 myself could it be the thin gentleman with the 
 two capes, or the fat lady with the three chins ? 
 But there is a prescience which never fails in 
 the greater moments of our destiny, and this 
 told me it was none of these. We went down 
 to dinner, and for the first time the chair was 
 not placed against the table, but so as to permi* 
 a person to be seated on it. 
 
 " ' I beg your pardon, Sir/ said the steward 
 to me, ' could you move a little this way ? 123 
 is coming in to dinner, and she would like to 
 have the air of the doorway/ 
 
 " c She would/ thought I ; ' oh, so this is a 
 she, at all events ; ' and scarce was the reflection 
 made, when the rustle of a silk dress was heard 
 brushing my chair. I turned, and what d* 
 you think, Mr. Tramp? shall I endeavour to 
 describe my emotions to you ? " 
 
 This was said in a tone so completely ques-
 
 92 FAST ASLFKP AXD Vi'Ti)!. AWAhK. 
 
 tioning, that 1 saw Mr. Yellowley waited for 
 my answer. 
 
 " I am afraid,, Sir," said I, looking- at my 
 watch, "if the emotions you speak of will 
 occupy much time, we had better skip them, 
 for it only wants a quarter to twelve." 
 
 " TVe will omit them, then, Mr. Tramp ; for, 
 as you justly observe, they would require both 
 time and space. Well, Sir, to be brief, 123 was 
 the angel of the railroad." 
 
 " The lady you met at ." 
 
 "Yes, Sir, if you prefer to call her the lady; 
 for I shall persist in my previous designation. 
 Oh, Mr. Tramp, that was the great moment of 
 my life. You may have remarked that we pass 
 from era to era of our existence, as though it 
 were from one chamber to another. The gay, 
 the sparkling, and the brilliant succeed to the 
 iark and gloomy apartment, scarce illumined 
 by a ray of hope, and we move on in our life's 
 journey, with new objects suggesting new 
 actions, and the actions engendering new frames 
 of thought, and we think ourselves wiser as our 
 vicissitudes grow thicker ; but I must not con- 
 tinue this theme. To me, this moment was the
 
 FAST ASLEEP AX I) WIDE A AVAR 1'. I) .'5 
 
 greatest transition of my life. Here was tlie 
 ideal before me, which neither art had pictured, 
 nor genius described the loveliest creature I 
 ever beheld. She turned round on taking her 
 place, and with a slight gesture of surprise re- 
 cognised me at once as her former fellow-travellei. 
 I have had proud moments in my life, Mr. 
 Tramp. I shall never forget how the Commander 
 of the Forces at Boulahcush, said to me in full 
 audience, in the presence of all the officials 
 
 " ' Yellowley, this is devilish hot hotter than 
 we have it in Europe/ 
 
 " But here was a prouder moment still : that 
 little graceful movement of recognition, that 
 smile so transient as to be scarce detected, sent 
 a thrill of happiness all through me. In former 
 days, by doughty deeds and hazardous exploits 
 men won their way to women's hearts; our 
 services in the present time have the advantage 
 of being less hazardous ; little attentions of the 
 table, passing the salt, calling for the pepper, 
 lifting a napkin, and inviting to wine, are the 
 substitutes for mutilating giants and spitting 
 dragons. I can't say but I think the exchange 
 is with the difference-
 
 91 FAST ASLEKP AXD WIPE AWAKE. 
 
 " The first day passed over \vith scarce the 
 interchange of a word between u<. She arose 
 almost immediately after dinner, and did not 
 make her appearance during the remainder of 
 the evening. The following morning she took 
 her place at the breakfast-table, and to my in- 
 expressible delight, as the weather still remained 
 3alm, ascended to the quarter-deck when the 
 meal was over. The smile with which she met 
 me now had assumed the token of acquaintance, 
 and a very little address was necessary, on my 
 part, to enable me to join her as she walked, 
 and engage her in conversation. The fact of 
 being so young and so perfectly alone for 
 except her French maid, she did not appear to 
 know a single person on board perhaps ap- 
 peared to demand some explanation on her part, 
 even to a perfect stranger like myself; for, 
 after some passing observations on the scenery 
 of the coast and the beauty of the weather, she 
 told me that she looked forward with much 
 hope to the benefit her health might derive 
 from a wanner air and less trying climate than 
 f.hat of England. 
 
 "'I already feel benefited by the sweet
 
 FAST ASLEEP AXD W[DK AWAKE. VJO 
 
 South/ said she; and there was a smile of 
 gratitude on her lip as she spoke the words. 
 Some little further explanation she may have 
 deemed necessary; for she took the occasion 
 soon after to remark, that her only brother 
 would have been delighted with the voyage, if 
 he could have obtained leave of absence from 
 his regiment; but, unfortunately, he was in 
 'the Blues/ quartered at Windsor, and could 
 not be spared. 
 
 "'Poor dear creature/ said I, 'and so she 
 has been obliged to travel thus alone, reared 
 doubtless within the precincts of some happy 
 home, from which the world, with its petty 
 snares and selfishness, were excluded, surrounded 
 by all the appliances of luxury, and the ele- 
 gancies that embellish existence and now, to 
 venture thus upon a journey without a friend, 
 or even a companion/ 
 
 "There could scarcely be a more touching 
 incident than to see one like her, so beautiful 
 and so young, in the midst of that busy little 
 world of soldiers, and sailors, and merchants, 
 travellers to the uttermost bounds of the earth, 
 and wearied spirits seeking for change wherever
 
 9(5 FAST ASLEEV AXD WIDE AAVAKF. 
 
 it might be found. Had I not myself been alone 
 a very ' waif ' upon the shores of life I should 
 have felt attracted by the interest of her isola- 
 tion now, there was a sympathy to attach us 
 there was that similarity of position that idem 
 nolle, et idem velle, which, we are told, consti- 
 tutes true friendship. She seemed to arrive at 
 this conclusion exactly as I did myself, and 
 received with the most captivating frankness 
 all the little attentions it was in my power to 
 bestow ; and in fact to regard me, in some sort, 
 as her companion. Thus, we walked the deck 
 each morning it was fine, or if stormy played at 
 chess or piquet in the cabin. Sometimes she 
 worked while I read aloud for her, and such a 
 treat as it was to hear her criticisms on the 
 volume before us how just and true her ap- 
 preciation of sound and correct principles how 
 skilful the distinctions she would make between 
 the false glitter of tinsel sentiment, and the 
 dull gold of real and sterling morality. Her 
 mind, naturally a gifted one, had received every 
 aid education could bestow. French and Italian 
 literature were as familiar to her as was English, . 
 while in mere accomplishments she far excelled
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND V-'iDh A \VAKt 
 
 those who habitually make such acquirements 
 the. grand business of early life. 
 
 " You are, I presume, a man of the world, 
 Mr. Tramp. You may, perhaps, deem it strange 
 that several days rolled over before I ever even 
 thought of inquiring her name ; but such was 
 the case. It no more entered into my concep- 
 tion to ask after it, than I should have dreamed 
 of what might be the botanical designation 
 of some lovely flower, by whose beauty and 
 fragrance I was captivated. Enough for me 
 that the bright petals were tipped with azure 
 and gold, and the fair stem was graceful in its 
 slender elegance. I cared not where Jussieu 
 might have arranged or Linnaeus classed it. 
 But a chance revealed the matter even before it 
 had occurred to me to think of it. A volume 
 of Shelly's poems contained on the title-page, 
 written in a hand of singular delicacy, the words, 
 ' Lady Blanche D'Esmonde/ Whether the noble 
 family she belonged to were English, Irish, or 
 Scotch, I could not even guess. It were as well, 
 Mr. Tramp, that I could not do so. I should 
 only have felt a more unwarrantable attachment 
 for that portion of the empire she came from.
 
 9H FAST ASLLL1' AXI) WIDE A \VAKE. 
 
 Yes, Sir, I loved her. I loved her with an 
 ardour that the Yellowleys have beeii remark- 
 able for, during- three hundred and eighty years. 
 It was my ancestor, Mr. Tramp Paul Yellowley 
 who was put in the stocks at Charing Cross, 
 for persecuting a maid of honour at Elizabeth's 
 court. That haughty Queen, and cold-hearted 
 woman, had the base inscription written above 
 his head ' The penaltie of a low scullion who 
 lifteth his eyes too loftilie/ 
 
 ''To proceed. When we reached Gibraltar, 
 Lady Blanche and I visited the rocks, and went 
 over the bomb-proofs and the casemates together 
 far more dangerous places those little cells and 
 dark passages to a man like me, than ever they 
 could become in the hottest fury of a siege. 
 She took such an interest in everything. There 
 was not a mortar nor a piece of ordnance she 
 could afford to miss ; and she would peep out 
 from the embrasures, and look down upon the 
 harbour and the bay, with a fearlessness that 
 left me puzzled to think whether I were more 
 terrified by her intrepidity, or charmed by the 
 beauty of her instep. Again we went to sea ; 
 but how I trembled at each sight of land, lest
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE, 99 
 
 she should leave the ship for ever. At last 
 Malta came in view, and the same evening the 
 boats were lowered, for all had a desire to go 
 ashore. Of course Lady Blanche was most 
 anxious; her health had latterly improved 
 greatly, and she was able to incur consider- 
 able fatigue, without feeling the worse after- 
 wards. 
 
 " It was a calm, mellow evening, with an 
 already risen moon, as we landed to wander 
 about the narrow streets and bastioned dwell- 
 ings of old Valletta. She took my arm, and, 
 followed by Mademoiselle Virginie, we went on 
 exploring every strange and curious spot before 
 us, and calling up before our mind's eye the 
 ancient glories of the place. I was rather strong 
 in all these sort of things, Mr. Tramp, for in 
 expectation of this little visit, I made myself 
 up about the Knights of St. John and the 
 Moslems, Fort St. Elmo, Civita Vecchia, rocks, 
 catacombs, prickly pears, and all. In fact, I 
 was primed with the whole catalogue, which, 
 written down in short memoranda, forms Chap. 
 I. in a modern tour-book of the Mediterranean. 
 
 The season was so genial, and the moon so 
 
 H
 
 100 FA?r ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE, 
 
 bright, that we lingered till past midnight; and 
 then returned to the ship the last of all the 
 visitors. That was indeed a night, as flickered 
 by the column of silver light, we swept over the 
 calm sea. Lady Blanche, wrapped in my large 
 boat cloak, her pale features statue-like in their 
 unmoved beauty, sat in the stern ; I sat at her 
 side ; neither spoke a word. What her thoughts 
 might have been I cannot guess ; but the little 
 French maid looked at me from time to time 
 with an expression of diabolical intelligence I 
 cannot forget ; and as I handed her mistress up 
 the gangway, Virginie said in a whisper 
 
 "'Ah, Monsieur Yellowley, vous etes un 
 homme dangereux T 
 
 " Would you believe it, Mr. Tramp, that little 
 phrase filled every chamber of my heart with 
 hope ; there could be but one interpretation of it, 
 and what a meaning had that dangerous to the 
 peace of mind, to the heart's happiness of her I 
 actually adored. I lay down in my berth and 
 tried to sleep, but the nearest approach of 
 slumber was a dreamy condition, in which the 
 words ( vous etes un homme dangereiix ' kept ever 
 ringing. I thought I saw Lady Blanche dressed
 
 FAST ASLEEP AXD VIDE AWAKE. IGi 
 
 in white, with a veil covering 1 her, a cliaplet of 
 orange-flowers on her brow, nnd weeping as 
 though inconsolably ; and there was a grim, 
 mischievous little face that nodded at me with a 
 menacing expression, as though to say, ' This is 
 your work, Simon Yellowley; ' and then I saw 
 her lay aside the veil and encircle herself with a 
 gad coloured garment, while her tears fell even 
 faster than before; and then the little vixen 
 from the window exclaimed, ' Here's more of it, 
 Simon Yellowley/ Lord, how I reproached my- 
 self I saw I was bringing her to the grave; 
 yes, Sir, there is no concealing it. I felt she 
 loved me. I arose and put on my dressing- 
 gown ; my mind was made up. I slipt noise- 
 lessly up the cabin-stairs, and with much diffi- 
 culty made my way to that part of the ship 
 inhabited by the servants. I will not recount 
 here the insolent allusions I encountered, noi 
 the rude jests and jibes of the sailors when I 
 asked for Mademoiselle Virginie ; nor was it 
 without trouble and considerable delay that I 
 succeeded in obtaining an interview with her. 
 
 " ' Mademoiselle/ said I, ' I know the levity 
 of your nation ; no man is more conscious than
 
 102 FAST ASLEEP AXD ^TTDF. AWAKE. 
 
 I of of the frailly of your moral principles. 
 Don't be angry,, but hear me out. You said a 
 few minutes ago that I was a " dangerous man ; " 
 tell me now, sincerely, truthfully, and candidly ' 
 here I put rather a heavy purse into her hands 
 c the exact meaning you attached to these 
 words ? ' 
 
 " ' Ah, Monsieur/ said she, with a stage 
 shudder, ( je suis une pauvre fille, ne me perdez 
 pas.' 
 
 " I looked at the little wizened devil, and 
 never felt stronger in my virtue. 
 
 " ' Don't be afraid, Virginie, I'm an arch- 
 bishop in principles ; but I thought that when 
 you said these words they bore an allusion to 
 another ' 
 
 " ' Ah ! c'est gi,' said she, with perfect naivett 
 ' so you are, a dangerous man, a very danger- 
 ous man ; so much so, indeed, that I shall use 
 all my influence to persuade one, of whom you 
 are aware, to escape as quickly as may be from 
 the hazard of your fascinating society/ 
 
 " I repeat these words, Mr. Tramp, which 
 may appear to you now too flattering, but the 
 French language, in which Virginie spoke,
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKK. l(K'i 
 
 permits expressions even stronger than these, 
 as mere conventionalities. 
 
 " ' Don't do it/ said I, ' don't do it, Virginia.' 
 
 " f I must, and I will/ reiterated she ; ' there's 
 such a change in my poor dear Lady Blanche 
 since she met you ; I never knew her give way 
 to fits of laughing before she's so capricious, 
 and whimsical she was an angel formerly/ 
 
 " ' She is an angel still/ said I, with a frown, 
 for I would not suffer so much of aspersion 
 against her. 
 
 " ' Sans doute, 3 chimed in Virginie, with a 
 shrug of her shoulders, ' we are all angels, after 
 a fashion ; ' and I endeavoured to smile a con- 
 currence with this sentiment, in which I only 
 half assented. 
 
 " By wonderful skill and cross-questioning, J 
 at last obtained the following information : Lady 
 Blanche was on a voyage of health, intending to 
 visit the remarkable places in the Mediterranean, 
 and then winter at some chosen spot upon its 
 shores. Why she journeyed thus unprotected, 
 was a secret there was no fathoming by indirect 
 inquiry, and any other would have been an act 
 of indelicacy.
 
 104 I'Asi A-L1.EP AJS'D TIDE AWAKE. 
 
 " ' We will pats the winter at Naples, or 
 Palermo., or Jerusalem, or some other water- 
 ing place/ said Virginie, for her geography wns 
 after all only a lady's maid's accomplishment. 
 
 " ' You must persuade her to visit Egypt, 
 Virginia/ said I ; ' Egypt, Virgiuie the laud 
 of the pyramids. Induce her to do this, and to 
 behold the wonders of the strangest country 
 in the universe. Even now/ said I, 'Arab 
 life ' 
 
 " { Ah, oui. I have seen the Arabs at the 
 Vaudeville ; they have magnificent beards/ 
 
 " ' The handsomest men in the world/ 
 
 <l( Pas mat,' said she, with a sententious nod 
 there's no converting into words. 
 
 "'Well, Virginie, think of Cairo, think o 
 Bagdad. You have read the Arabian Nights 
 havn't you ? ' . ' 
 
 "'Yes/ said she, with a yawn, 'they are 
 passees ; now, what would you have us do in 
 this droll old place ? ' 
 
 " I would have you to visit Mehemet Ali, 
 and be received at his court ! ' for I saw at 
 once the class of fascination she would yield to. 
 ' Drink sherbet, eat sweetmeats, receive presents,
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKK. i05 
 
 magnificent presents, cashmeres, diamond brace- 
 lets. Ah! think of that.' 
 
 " ' Ah ! there is something in what you say/ 
 said she, after a pause, ' but we have not come 
 prepared for such an expensive journey. I am 
 purse-bearer, for Lady Blanche knows nothing 
 about expense, and we shall not receive remit- 
 tances until we settle somewhere for the winter.' 
 
 " These words made my heart leap ; in five 
 minutes more I explained to Virginie that I was 
 provided with a free transit through the East, 
 in which, by her aid, her mistress might partici- 
 pate, without ever knowing it. ' You have only 
 to pretend, Virginie, that Egypt is so cheap ; 
 tell her a camel only costs a penny a league, 
 and that one is actually paid for crossing the 
 Great Desert ; you can hint that old Mehemet 
 wants to bring the thing into fashion, and that 
 he would give his beard to see English ladies 
 ravelling that route/ 
 
 "'I knew it well/ said Virginie, with a 
 malicious smile, 'I knew it well; you are "a 
 dangerous man/' ' 
 
 " All the obstacles and impediments she could 
 suggest, I answered with much skill and address,
 
 10(5 KA^T ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 not unaided, I own, by certain potent persua- 
 sives, in the shape of bank paper she was a 
 most mercenary little devil ; and as day was 
 breaking 1 , Virginie had fully agreed in all my 
 plans, and determined that her mistress should 
 go beyond ' the second cataract/ if I wished it. 
 I need not say that she fully understood my 
 motives ; she was a Frenchwoman, Mr. Tramp ; 
 the Russian loves train oil, the Yankee prefers 
 whittling, but a Frenchwoman, without an 
 intrigue of her own, or some one's else, on 
 hand, is the most miserable object in existence. 
 
 " ' I see where it all will end/ cried she, as I 
 turned to leave her ; 'I see it already. Before 
 six weeks are over, you will not ask my aid to 
 influence my mistress/ 
 
 " ' Do you think so, Virginie ? ' said I, grasp- 
 ing at the suggestion. 
 
 " ' Of course I do/ said she, with a look f 
 undisguised truth ; ' ah, que vout etes un horn e 
 dangereux ! ' 
 
 " It is a strange thing, Mr. Tramp, but I felt 
 that title a prouder one than if I had been called 
 the Governor of Bombay. Varied and numerous 
 as the incidents of my life had been, I never
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE. iU7 
 
 knew till then that I was a dangerous man : 
 nor, indeed, do I believe that, in the previous 
 constitution of my mind, I should have relishod 
 the epithet ; but I hugged it now as the symbol 
 of my happiness. The whole of the following 
 day was spent by me in company with Lady 
 Blanche. I expatiated on the glories of the 
 East, and discussed everybody who had been 
 there, from Abraham down to Abercromby. 
 What a multiplicity of learning, sacred and 
 profane, did I not pour forth I perfectly 
 astounded her with the extent of my informa- 
 tion, for, as I told you before, I was strong on 
 Egypt, filling up every interstice with a quota- 
 tion from Byron, or a bit of Lalla Rookh, or a 
 stray verse from the Palm Leaves, which I in- 
 variably introduced as a little thing of my own ; 
 then I quoted Herodotus, Denon, and Lamartine 
 without end till before the dinner was served, 
 I had given her such a journey in mere descrip- 
 tion, that she said with a sigh 
 
 " ' Really, Mr. Yellowley, you have been so 
 eloquent, that I actually feel as much fatigued 
 as if I had spent a day on a camel/ 
 
 " I gave her a grateful look, Mr. Tramp, and
 
 FAST ASLEEP AXD WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 she smiled in return ; from that hour, Sir, we 
 understood each other. I pursued rny Egyptian 
 studies nearly the entire of that night, and the 
 next day came on deck with four chapters of 
 Irby and Mangles, off by heart. My head 
 s\vam round with ideas of things Oriental 
 patriarchs and pyramids, Turks, dragomans, 
 catacombs, and crocodiles, danced an infernal 
 quadrille in my excited brain, and I convulsed 
 the whole cabin at breakfast, by replying to the 
 Captain's offer of some tea, with a profound 
 salaam, and an exclamation of 'Bisk millah, 
 allali il alla/t.' 
 
 f( ' You have infatuated me with your love of 
 the East, Mr. Yellowley/ said Lady Blanche, one 
 morning, as she met me. ' I have been thinking 
 over poor Princess Shezarade and Noureddin, 
 and the little tailor of Bagdad, and the wicked 
 Cadi, and all the rest of them/ 
 
 " ' Have I/ cried I, joyfully ; ' have I in- 
 deed!' 
 
 c ' ' I feel I must see the Pyramids/ said 
 she. ( I cannot resist an impulse on which 
 my thoughts are concentrated, and yours \yy 
 all the blame of this wilful exploit/
 
 FAST ASLEEP AXD WIDE AWAKrJ. 109 
 
 " ' Yes/ said 1. 
 
 " ' Tis hard at some appointed place 
 
 To check your course and turn your prow , 
 And objects for themselves retrace 
 You past with added hope just now.' 
 
 " ' Yours/ said she, smilingly. 
 
 " ' A poor thing/ said I, ' I did for one of 
 the Keepsakes/ 
 
 "Ah, Mr. Tramp, it is very hard to dis- 
 tinguish one's own little verse from the minor 
 poets. All my life I have been under the delu- 
 sion that I wrote ' O'Connor's Child/ and the 
 ' Battle of the Baltic ; ' and, now I think of it, 
 those lines are Monckton Milnes's.' 
 
 "We reached Alexandria a few days after, 
 and at once joined the great concourse of 
 passengers bound for the East. 
 
 " I perceive you are looking at your watch, 
 Mr. Tramp." 
 
 " I must indeed ask your pardon. I sail for 
 Calais at the next ebb." 
 
 " I shall not be tedious now, Sir. We began 
 ( the overland ' the angel travelling as Lady 
 Blanche Yellowley, to avoid any possible inquiry
 
 110 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 or impertinence from the official people. This 
 was arranged between Virginie and myself, 
 without her knowledge. Then, indeed, began 
 my Arabian nights. Ah, Mr. Tramp, you 
 never can know the happiness enjoyed by him, 
 who, travelling for fourteen long hours over the 
 hot sand, and beneath the scorching sun of the 
 desert, comes at last to stretch his wearied limbs 
 upon his carpet at evening, and gazes on celestial 
 beauty as he sips his mocha. Mahomet had a 
 strong case, depend upon it, when he furnished 
 his paradise with a houri and a hubble-bubble ; 
 and such nights were these, as we sat and chatted 
 over the once glories of that great land, while in 
 the lone khan of the desert would be heard the 
 silvery sounds of a fair woman's voice, as she 
 sung some little barcarole, or light Venetian 
 canzonette. Ah, Mr. Tramp, do you wonder if 
 I loved do you wonder if I confessed my love ? 
 I did both, Sir ay, Sir, both. 
 
 "I told her my heart's secret in an im- 
 passioned moment; and with the enthusiasm 
 of true affection, explained my position and 
 my passion. 
 
 " ' I am your slave/ said I, with trembling
 
 FAST ASLEEP AXD WIDE ATVAKE. Ill 
 
 adoration 'your slave, and the Secretary at 
 Santancantantarabad. You own my heart. I 
 possess nothing but a Government situation and 
 three thousand per annum. I shall never cease 
 to love you, and my widow must have a pension 
 from the Company/ 
 
 "She covered her face with her handkerchief 
 as I spoke, and her sobs they must have been 
 sobs actually penetrated my bosom. 
 
 "'You must speak of this no more, dear 
 Mr. Yellowley/ said she, wiping her eyes ; ( you 
 really must not, at least until I arrive at Cal- 
 cutta/ 
 
 " ' So you consent to go that far/ cried I, in 
 ecstasy. 
 
 " She seemed somewhat confused at her own 
 confession, for she blushed and turned away; 
 then said, in a voice of some hesitation 
 
 " ' Will you compel me to relinquish the charm 
 of your too agreeable society, or will you make 
 me the promise I ask ? ' 
 
 " f Anything everything/ exclaimed I, and 
 from that hour, Mr. Tramp, I only looked my 
 love, at least, save when sighs and interjections 
 contributed their insignificant aid. I gave no
 
 112 FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 expression to my consuming flame. Not the 
 less progress, perhaps, did I make for that. You 
 can educate a feature, Sir, to do the work of 
 four I could after a week or ten days look fifty 
 different things, and she knew them ay, that 
 she did, as though it were a book open before 
 her. 
 
 " I could have strained my eyes to see through 
 the canvas of a tent, Mr. Tramp, if she were 
 inside of it. And she, had you but seen her 
 looks ! what archness and what softness how 
 piquant, yet how playful what witchcraft and 
 what simplicity ! I must hasten on. We 
 arrived within a day of our journey's end. 
 The next morning showed us the tall outline 
 of Fort William against the sky. The hour 
 was approaching in which I might declare my 
 love, and declare it with some hope of a return." 
 " Mr. Tramp," said a waiter, hurriedly, inter- 
 rupting Mr. Yellowley at this crisis of his tale, 
 ' " Captain Smithet, of ' The Hornet/ says he 
 has the steam up, and will start in ten 
 minutes." 
 
 " Bless my heart," cried I ; " this is a hasty 
 summons," while snatching up my light travel-
 
 FAST ASLEEP AXD WIDE AWAKI!. 113 
 
 liug portmanteau, I threw my cloak over my 
 shoulders at once. 
 
 " You'll not go before I conclude my story/' 
 cried Mr. Yellowley, with a voice of indignant 
 displeasure. 
 
 " I regret it deeply, Sir/' said I, " from 
 my very heart ; but I am the bearer of govern- 
 ment despatches for Vienna; they are of the 
 greatest consequence delay would be a ruinous 
 matter." 
 
 " I'll go down with you to the quay," cried 
 Yellowley, seizing my arm, and we turned into 
 the street together. It was still blowing a gale 
 of wind, and a heavy sleet was drifting in our 
 faces, so that he was compelled to raise his voice 
 to a shout, to become audible. 
 
 "'We are near Calcutta, dearest Lady Blanche/ 
 said I ; ' in a moment more we shall be no longer 
 bound by your pledge' do you hear me, Mr. 
 Tramp ? " 
 
 " Perfectly ; but let us push along faster." 
 
 " She was in tears, Sir weeping. She is 
 mine, thought I. What a night, to be sure ! 
 We drove into the grand Cassawaddy, and the 
 door of our conveyance was wrenched open
 
 114 FAST ASLEEP AXD WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 by a handsome-looking 1 fellow,, all gold and 
 moustaches. 
 
 " ' Blanche my dearest Blanche ! ' said he. 
 
 " ' My own Charles ! ' exclaimed she." 
 
 " Her brother, I suppose, Mr. Yellowley ? " 
 
 "No, Sir," screamed he, "her husband ! ! ! 
 
 " The artful, deceitful, designing woman had 
 a husband ! " screamed Yellowley, above the 
 storm and the hurricane. "They had been 
 married privately, Mr. Tramp, the day he sailed 
 for India, and she only waited for the next 
 ' overland ' to follow him out, and I, Sir, the 
 miserable dupe, stood there, the witness of their 
 joys. 
 
 " ' Don't forget this dear old creature, Charles/ 
 said she; f he was invaluable to me on the 
 journey ! ' but I rushed from the spot, anguish- 
 torn and almost desperate." 
 
 "Come quickly, Sir; \ r e must catch the ebb- 
 tide," cried a sailor, pushing me along towards 
 the jetty as he spoke. 
 
 " My misfortunes vere rife," screamed Yellow - 
 ley in my ear. " The Rajah to whose court I 
 was appointed had offended Lord Ellenborough, 
 and it was only the week before I arrived that
 
 FAST ASLEEP AND TVJDE AWAKE. 115 
 
 his territory had Leon added to ' British India/ 
 as they call it, and the late ruler accommodated 
 with private apartments in Calcutta and three 
 hundred a year for life ; so that 1 had nothing* 
 to do but come home again. Good-bye good- 
 bye, Sir." 
 
 " Go on," cried the captain from the paddle- 
 box, and away we splashed, in a manner far 
 more picturesque to those on land, than pleasant 
 to us on board, while high above the howling 
 wind and rattling cordage came Yellowley's 
 voice "Don't forget it, Mr. Tramp, don't 
 forget it ! Asleep or awake, never trust 
 them ! "
 
 THE ROAD VERSUS THE RAIL. 
 
 LTHOUGH the steam-engine itself is 
 more naturalised amongst us than with 
 any other nation of Europe; railroad 
 travelling has unquestionably outraged more of 
 the associations we once cherished, and were 
 proud of, than it could possibly effect in countries 
 of less rural and picturesque beauty than England. 
 ' La Belle France " is but a great corn-field in 
 winter a dreary waste of yellow soil in autumn 
 a desert of dried stubble. Belgium is only a 
 huge cabbage-garden flat and foetid. Prussia, 
 a sandy plain, dotted with sentry-boxes. To 
 traverse these, speed is the grand requisite;
 
 ' I CONFESSED MY LOVE." 
 
 [P. 116.
 
 TIII; uo.u) vKusrs THK KAIL. 117 
 
 there is little to remark, less to admire. The 
 sole object is to push forward ; and when one 
 remembers the lumbering diligence, and its eight 
 buffaloes, the rail is a glorious alternative. 
 
 In England, however, rural scenery is emi- 
 nently characterised. The cottage of the peasant, 
 enshrined in honeysuckle the green glade the 
 rich and swelling champaign the quaint old 
 avenues, leading to some ancient hall the dark 
 glen the shining river follow each other in 
 endless succession, suggesting so many memories 
 of our people, and teeming with such informa- 
 tion of their habits, tastes, and feelings. There 
 was something distinctive, too, in that well- 
 appointed coach, with its four blood bays, toss- 
 ing their heads with impatience as they stood 
 before the village inn, waiting for the passengers 
 to breakfast. I loved every jingle of the brass 
 housings ; the flap of the traces, and the bang 
 of the swingle-bar, were music to my ears ; and 
 what a character was he, who wrapped his great 
 drab coat around his legs, and gathered up the 
 reins with that careless indolence that seemed to 
 say " The beasts have no need of guidance 
 they know what they are about ! " The very
 
 118 THE EOAD Vl-'.n.srS THE KAIL. 
 
 leer of his merry eye to the bux^m ilgure within 
 the bar, was a novel in three volumes ! and mark 
 how lazily he takes the whip from the fellow 
 that stands on the wheel, proud of such a ser- 
 vice ; and hear him, as he cries " All right, Bill, 
 let 'em go ! " and then mark the graceful curls 
 of the long lash, as it plays around the leaders' 
 flanks, and makes the skittish devils bound ere 
 they are touched. And now we go careering 
 along the mountain-side, where the breeze is 
 fresh and the air bracing, with a wide-spread 
 country all beneath us, across which the shadows 
 are moving like waves. Again, we move along 
 some narrow road, over-hung with trees, rich in 
 perfumed blossoms, which fall in showers over 
 us as we pass ; the wheels are crushing the ripe 
 apples as they lie uncared for ; and now we are 
 in a deep glen, dark and shady, where only a 
 straggling sunbeam comes ; and see, where the 
 road opens, how the rabbits play, nor are scared 
 at our approach ! Ha, merry England ! there 
 are sights and sounds about you to warm a 
 man's heart, and make him think of home. 
 
 It was but a few days since I was seated in 
 <>ne of the cheap carriages of a southern line,
 
 THE liOAD VERSUS THE RAIL. 119 
 
 when this theme was brought forcibly to my 
 mind by overhearing a dialogue between a 
 waggoner and his wife. The man, in all the 
 pride and worldliness of his nature, would see 
 but the advantages of rapid transit, where the 
 poor woman saw many a change for the worse 
 all the little incidents and adventures of a 
 pleasant journey being now superseded by the 
 clock-work precision of the rail, the hissing 
 engine, and the lumbering train. 
 
 Long after they had left the carriage, I con- 
 tinued to dwell upon the words they had 
 spoken ; and as I fell asleep, they fashioned 
 themselves into rude measure, which I re- 
 membered on awaking, and have called it 
 
 THE SONG OF THE THIRD CLASS TRAIN. 
 
 WAGGONER. 
 
 Tin E was when with the dreary load 
 
 We slowly journeyed on, 
 And measured every mile of road 
 
 Until the day was gone ; 
 Along the worn and rutted way, 
 
 When morn was but a gleam 
 And with the last faint glimpse of day 
 
 Still went the weary team.
 
 1:20 TilE ROAD VKlWU.s THE KAIL. 
 
 But no more no\v to earth we bow I 
 
 Our insect life is past 
 With furnace gleam, and hissing steao, 
 
 Our speed is like the bm^t. 
 
 WIFE. 
 
 I mind it well I loved it too. 
 
 Full many a happy hour, 
 When o'er our heads the blossoms grew 
 
 That made the road a bower. 
 With song of birds, and pleasant sound 
 
 Of voices o'er the lea, 
 And perfume rising from the ground 
 
 Fresh turned by labour free. 
 And when the night, star-lit and brigni, 
 
 Closed in on all around, 
 Nestling to rest upon my breast 
 
 My boy was sleeping sound. 
 His mouth was moved, as tho' it proved 
 
 That even in his dream 
 He grasped the whip his tiny lip 
 
 Would try to guide the team. 
 
 Oh, were not these the days to please ? 
 
 Were we not happy so ? 
 The woman said. He hung his head 
 
 And still he muttered low 
 " But no more now to earth we bow 
 
 Our insect life is past ; 
 With furnace gleam, and hissing steam, 
 
 Our speed is like the Most."
 
 THE KOAD VKUSl'S TH K ItAII,. hil 
 
 " I wish I bad a hundred pounds to argue the 
 question on either side," as Lord Plunkett said 
 of a Chancery case ; for if we have lost much of 
 the romance of the road, as it once existed, we 
 have certainly gained something 1 in the strange 
 and curious views of life presented by railroad 
 travelling; and although there was more of 
 poetry in the pastoral, the broad comedy of a 
 journey is always amusing. The caliph who 
 once sat on the bridge of Bagdad, to observe 
 mankind, and choose his dinner party from the 
 passers by, would unquestionably have enjoyed 
 a far wider scope for his investigation, had he 
 lived in our day, and taken out a subscription 
 iicket for the Great Western or the Grand 
 Junction. A peep into the several carriages of a 
 train is like obtaining a section of society ; for 
 like the view of a house, when the front wall is 
 removed, we can see the whole economy of the 
 dwelling, from the kitchen to the garret ; and 
 while the grand leveller, steam, is tugging 
 all the same road, at the same pace, subjecting 
 the peer to every shock it gives the peasant* 
 individual peculiarities and class observances 
 relieve the uniformity of the scene, and afford
 
 J22 THI-: ROAD YhK.srs THE KAIL. 
 
 ample opportunity i'or him who would read 
 while he runs. Short of royalty, there is no 
 one now-a-days may not be met with " on the 
 rail ; " and from the Duke to Daniel O'Connell 
 a pretty long interval your vis-a-vis may be 
 any illustrious character in politics, literature, 
 or art. I intend, in some of these tales, to 
 make mention of some of the most interesting 
 characters it has been my fortune to encounter ; 
 meanwhile, let me make a note of the most 
 singular railroad traveller of whom I have ever 
 heard, and to the knowledge of whom I ac- 
 cidentally came when travelling abroad. The 
 sketch I shall call 
 
 THE EARLY TRAIN TO VERSAILLES. 
 
 " Droll people one meets travelling strange 
 characters ! " was the exclamation of my next 
 neighbour in the Versailles train, as an oddly 
 attired figure, with an enormous beard and a 
 tall Polish cap, got out at Sevres ; and this, of 
 all the railroads in Europe, perhaps, presents 
 the most motley array of travellers. The 
 " militaire," the shopkeeper, the actor of a
 
 THE liOAI) VERSUS THE RAIT,. l~-'i 
 
 minor theatre, the economist Englishman resid- 
 ing at Versailles for cheapness,, the "modeste," 
 the newspaper writer, are all to be met with, 
 hastening to and from this favourite resort of 
 the Parisians ; and among a people so com- 
 municative, and so well disposed to social inter- 
 course, it is rare that even in this short journey 
 the conversation does not take a character of 
 amusement, if not of actual interest. 
 
 " The last time I went down in this train it 
 was in company with M. Thiers ; and, I assure 
 you, no one could be more agreeable and 
 affable," said one. 
 
 " Horace Vernet was my companion last 
 week," remarked another ; " indeed I never 
 guessed who it was, until a chance observation 
 of mine about one of his own pictures, when he 
 avowed his name." 
 
 " I had a more singular travelling companion 
 still," exclaimed a third ; " no less a personage 
 than Aboul Djerick, the Arab chief, whom the 
 Marshall Bugeaud took prisoner." 
 
 " Ma foi ! gentlemen," said a dry old lady 
 from the corner :>f the carriage, " these were not 
 very remarkable characters after all. I remcra-
 
 {.24 THE ROAD VE1LSUS THE HAIL. 
 
 bor coming- down here \vilh what do you 
 think ? for my fellow traveller. Only guess. 
 But it is no use ; you would never hit upon it 
 he was a baboon ! " 
 
 " A baboon ! " exclaimed all the party in a 
 breath. 
 
 " Sacrebleu ! Madame, you must be jesting/' 
 
 "No, gentlemen, nothing of the kind. He 
 was a tall fellow, as big as M. le Capitaine 
 yonder ; and he had a tail mon Dieu ! what a 
 tail. \Vhen the conductor showed him into the 
 carriage, it took nearly a minute to adjust that 
 enormous tail." 
 
 A very general roar of laughter me this 
 speech, excited probably more by the serious 
 manner of the old lady as she mentioned this 
 occurrence, than by anything even in the event 
 itself, though all were unquestionably astonished 
 to account for the incident. 
 
 " Was he quiet, Madame ? " said one of the 
 passengers. 
 
 " Perfectly so," replied she " bien poli." 
 
 Another little outbreak of laughter at so 
 singular a phrase, with reference to the manners 
 of an ape, disturbed the party.
 
 TI1L UOAU VKKal'S THE RAH,, i - ) 
 
 " He had probably made his escape from the 
 Jardin des Plantes," cried a thin old gentleman 
 opposite. 
 
 "No, Monsieur; he lived in the Rue St. 
 Denis." 
 
 " Diable ! " exclaimed a lieutenant ; " he was 
 a good citizen of Paris. Was lie in the Garde 
 Nationale, Madame?" 
 
 " I am not sure," said the old lady, with a 
 most provoking coolness. 
 
 " And where was he going, may I ask ? " 
 cried another. 
 
 "To Versailles, Monsieur poor fellow, he 
 wept very bitterly/' 
 
 " Detestable beast ! " exclaimed the old gentle- 
 man, "they make a horrid mockery of hu- 
 manity." 
 
 " Ah ! very true, Monsieur ; there is a strong 
 resemblance between the two species." There 
 was an unlucky applicability in this speech to 
 the hook-nosed, yellow-skinned, wrinkled little 
 fellow it was addressed to, that once more 
 brought a smile upon the party. 
 
 "Was there no one with him, then? Who 
 took care of him, Madame ? "
 
 l^ti TIIF, IJOA1J YKKSCS THE KAIL. 
 
 " lie was alone, Monsieur. The poor felluw 
 was a ' garcoii ; ' he told me so himself." 
 
 "Told you so! the ape told you! the 
 baboon said that ! " exclaimed each in turn 
 of the party, while an outburst of laughter 
 filled the carriage. 
 
 " 'Tis quite true just as I have the honour 
 to tell you," said the old lady, with the utmost 
 gravity ; " and although I was as much sur- 
 prised as you now are, when he first addressed 
 me, he was so well-mannered, spoke such good 
 French, and had so much agreeability, that I 
 forgot my fears, and enjoyed his society very 
 much." 
 
 It was not without a great effort that the 
 party controlled themselves sufficiently to hear 
 the old lady's explanation. The very truthful- 
 ness of her voice and accent added indescribably 
 to the absurdity ; for while she designated her 
 singular, companion always as M. le Singe, she 
 spoke of him as if he had been a naturalised 
 Frenchman, born to enjoy all the inestimable 
 privileges of " La Belle France." Her story 
 was this but it is better, as far as may be, to 
 give it in her own words :
 
 THE ItOAD VKKSUS T1IK KAIL. 127 
 
 " My husband, gentlemen, is greffier of the 
 Correctional Court of Paris; and although 
 obliged, during the session, to be every day 
 at the Tribunal, we reside at Versailles for 
 cheapness, using the railroad to bring us to and 
 from Paris. Now, it chanced that I set out 
 from Paris, where I had spent the night at a 
 friend's house, by the early train, which, you 
 know, starts at five o'clock. Very few people 
 travel by that train ; indeed, I believe the only 
 use of it is to go down to Versailles to bring up 
 people from thence. It was a fine cheery morn- 
 ing cold, but bright in the month of March, 
 as I took my place alone in one of the carriages 
 of the train. After the usual delay (they are 
 never prompt with this train) , the word ' en 
 route ' was given, and we started ; but before 
 the pace was accelerated to a rapid rate, the 
 door was wrenched open by the ' conducteur ' 
 a large full-grown baboon, with his tail over his 
 arm, stepped in the door closed, and away we 
 went. Ah ! gentlemen, I never shall forget 
 that moment. The beast sat opposite me, just 
 like Monsieur there, with his old parchment 
 face, his round brown eyes, and his long-clawed
 
 12S THE IIOAI) VKIISr* TIIK HAIL. 
 
 puws, which he clasped exactly liked a human 
 being 1 . Mon Dieu ! what agony was mine ! I 
 had seen these creatures in the Jardin des 
 Plantes, and knew them to be so vicious; 
 but I thought the best thing to do was to 
 cultivate the monster's good graces, and so I 
 put my hand in my reticule and drew forth a 
 morsel of cake, which I presented to him. 
 
 " ' Merci, Madame/ said he, with a polite 
 bow, ' I am not hungry.' 
 
 " Ah ! when I heard him say this, I thought 
 I should have died. The beast spoke it as plain 
 as I am speaking to you; and he bowed his 
 yellow face, and made a gesture of his hand, if 
 I may call it a hand, just this way. Whether 
 he remarked my astonishment, or perceived that 
 I looked ill, I can't say; but he observed, in a 
 very gentle tone 
 
 " ' Madame is fatigued.' 
 
 " ' Ah ! Monsieur/ said I, ( I never knew 
 that you spoke French/ 
 
 " ' Oui, parbleu ! ' said he, ' I w r as born in the 
 Pyrenees, and am only half a Spaniard.' 
 
 " ' Monsieur's father, then/ said I, ' was he 
 a Frenchman ? '
 
 II IK HOAD VF.RSUS THE HAIL. 
 
 " ' Pauvre bete/ said he; ' he was from the 
 Basque Provinces. He was a wild fellow/ 
 
 "'I have no doubt of it/ said I; 'but it 
 seems they caught him at last/ 
 
 " ' You are right, Madame. Strange enough 
 you should have guessed it. He was taken in 
 Estremadura, where he joined a party of brigands. 
 They knew my father by his queue ; for, amid 
 all his difficulties, nothing could induce him to 
 cut it off/ 
 
 ' ' I don't wonder/ said I ; ' it would have 
 been very painful/ 
 
 "'It would have made his heart bleed, 
 Madame, to touch a hair of it. He was proud 
 of that old queue; and he might well be it 
 was the best-looking tail in the north of Spain/ 
 
 " ' Bless my heart/ thought I, ' these creatures 
 have their vanities too/ 
 
 " ' Ah ! Madame, we had more freedom in 
 those days. My father used to tell me of the 
 uights he has passed on the mountains, under 
 the shade, or sometimes in the branches of the 
 cork trees, with pleasant companions, fellows of 
 his own stamp. We were not hunted down 
 then, as we are now ; there was liberty then/
 
 130 Till! KO.VD YF.HSr* TIIK KAIL. 
 
 "'Well, for my part/ said I, 'I should not 
 dislike the Javdin des Plantes, if I was like one 
 of you. It aint so bad to have one's meals at 
 regular times, and a comfortable bed, and a good 
 dry house.' 
 
 " ' I don't know what you mean by the Jardin 
 des Plantes. I live in the Hue St. Denis, and I 
 for one feel the chain about nay ankles, under 
 this vile " regime " we live in at present.' 
 
 " He had managed to slip it off this time, 
 anyhow ; for I saw the creature's legs were 
 free. 
 
 " ' Ah ! Madame,' exclaimed Le Singe, slap- 
 ping his forehead with his paw, ' men are but 
 rogues, cheats, and swindlers.' 
 
 " ' Are apes better ? ' said I, modestly. 
 
 " ' I protest I think they are,' said he. ' Ex- 
 cept a propensity to petty pilfering, they are 
 honest beasts/ 
 
 " ' They are most affectionate/ said I, wishing 
 to flatter him; but he took no notice of the 
 observation. 
 
 " ' Madame,' exclaimed he, after a pause, and 
 with a voice of unusual energy, ' I was so near 
 being caught in a trap this very morning/
 
 THE ROAD VKHSUS THE JfAlI,. 131 
 
 " 'Dear me/ said I, ' nnd they laid a trap for 
 
 you ? ' 
 
 '"'An infernal trap/ said he. 'A mistake 
 might have cost me my liberty for life. Do 
 you know M. Lnborde, the director of the 
 Gymnase ? ' 
 
 " ' I have heard of him, but no more/ 
 " ' What a " fripon " he is ! there is not such 
 a scoundrel living ; but I'll have him yet. Let 
 him not think to escape me ? Pardon, Madame, 
 does my tail inconvenience you ? ' 
 " < Not at all, Sir. Pray don't stir.' 
 "I must say that, in his excitement, the 
 beast whisked the appendage to and fro with 
 his paw, in a very furious manner. 
 
 " ' Only conceive, Madame, I have passed the 
 night in the open air; hunted, chased, pursued 
 all on account of the accursed M. Laborde. 
 I that was reared in a warm climate brought 
 up in every comfort and habituated to the 
 most tender care exposed, during six hours, 
 to the damp dews of a night in the Bois de 
 Boulogne. I know it will fall on my chest, or 
 I shall have an attack of rheumatism. Ah, 
 nion Dieu ! if I shouldn't be able to clirnb 
 
 K
 
 YKHST* -rur, RAIU 
 
 and jump, it would be better for me to ho 
 
 dead/ 
 
 "'No, no/ said I, trying to soothe him, 
 ' don't say that. Here am I, very happy and 
 contented, and couldn't spring over a street 
 gutter if you gave C'.e the Tuileries for doing it.' 
 
 "'What has that to say to it?' cried he, 
 fiercely. ' Our instincts and pursuits are very 
 different.' 
 
 "'Yes, thank God,' muttered I bebw my 
 breath, ' I trust they are.' 
 
 " ' You live at Versailles/ said he suddenly. 
 'Do you happen to know Antoine Geoffroy, 
 greffier of the Tribunal ? ' 
 
 " ' Yes, parbleu ! ' said I, ' he is my husband.' 
 
 " ' Oh, Madame ! what good fortune ! He is 
 the only man in France can assist me. I want 
 him to catch M. Laborde. When can I see 
 
 him?' 
 
 " ' He will be down in the ten o'clock train/ 
 said I. ' You can see him then, Rue du Petit 
 
 Lait.' 
 
 '"Ah, but where shall I lie concealed till 
 then? If they should overtake me and catch 
 me if they found me out, I should be ruined/
 
 MADAME HAS GOOD TASTE IN A CAVALIEE." 
 
 [P. 133.
 
 THE ROAD VKKSTTS Tiff: KAIL. 138 
 
 "'Come with me, then. I'll hide you safe 
 enough/ 
 
 " The beast fell on its knees, and kissed my 
 hand like a Christian, and muttered his 
 gratitude till we reached the station. 
 
 " Early as it was only six o'clock I confess 
 I did not half like the notion of taking 1 the 
 creature's arm, which he offered me, as we got 
 out : but I was so fearful of provoking him, 
 knowing their vindictive nature, that I assented 
 with as good a grace as I was able, and away 
 we went, he holding his tail festooned over his 
 wrist, and carrying my carpet-bag in the other 
 hand. So full was he of his anger against M. 
 Laborde, and his gratitude to me, that he could 
 talk of nothing else as we went along, nor did 
 he pay the slightest attention to the laughter 
 and jesting our appearance excited from the 
 workmen who passed by. 
 
 " ( Madame has good taste in a cavalier/ cried 
 one. 
 
 '"There'll be a reward for that fellow to- 
 morrow or next day/ cried another. 
 
 " ' Yes, yes he is the biggest in the whole 
 Jardiu des Plantes/ said a third.
 
 8 mi; i;oAi> VKKSUS Tin: HAIL. 
 
 ' Such were the pleasant commentaries that 
 met my ears, even at that quiet hour. 
 
 " When we reached the Rue du Petit Lait, 
 however, a very considerable crowd followed us, 
 consisting 1 of labourers and people on their way 
 to work ; and I assure you I repented me sorely 
 of the good nature that had exposed me to such 
 consequences ; for the mob pressed us closely, 
 many being curious to examine the creature 
 near, and some even going so far as to pat him 
 with their hands, and take up the tip of his tail 
 in their fingers. The beast, -however, with 
 admirable tact, never spoke a word, but endured 
 the annoyance without any signs of impatience 
 hoping, of course, that the house would soon 
 screen him from their view ; but only think of 
 the bad luck. When we arrived at the door, we 
 rung, and rung, ag-ain and again, but no one 
 came. In fact, the servant not expecting me 
 home before noon, had spent the night at a 
 friend's house ; and there we were, in the open 
 street, with a crowd increasing every moment 
 around us. 
 
 " ' What is to be done ? ' said I, in utter 
 despair; but before I had even uttered the
 
 THE ROAD VHIISU.S THE KAIL. loO 
 
 words, the beast disengaged himself from me, 
 and springing to the 'jalousies/ scrambled hi.- 
 vvay up to the top of them. In a moment more 
 he was in the window of the second story, and 
 then again ascending in the same way, reached 
 the third, the mob hailing him with cries of 
 ' Bravo, Singe ! well done ape ! mind your 
 tail, old fellow ! thafs it, monkey ! ' and so 
 on, until with a bound he sprung in through an 
 open window, and then, popping out his head, 
 and with a gesture of little politeness, made by 
 his outstretched fingers on his nose, he cried out 
 ' Messieurs, j'ai 1'honneur de vous saluer/ 
 
 "If every beast in the Jardin des Plantes, 
 from the giraffe down to the chimpanzee, had 
 spoken, the astonishment could not have been 
 more general ; at first the mob were struck 
 mute with amazement, but, after a moment, 
 burst forth into a roar of laughter. 
 
 " ' Ah ! I know that fellow I have paid 
 twenty sous to see him before now/ cried one. 
 
 " ' So have I/ said another, ' and it's rare 
 fun to look at him cracking nuts, and swing- 
 ing himself on the branch of a tree by his 
 tail/
 
 ]36 TUT: I:OAD vi:nsus Tin: P. ATT.. 
 
 " At this moment the door opened, and 1 
 slipped in without hearing- further of the com- 
 mentaries of the crowd. In a little time the 
 servant returned, and prepared the breakfast ; 
 and although, as you may suppose, I was very 
 ignorant what was exactly the kind of enter- 
 tainment to set before my guest, I got a great 
 dish of apples, and a plate of chestnuts, and 
 down we sat to our meal. 
 
 " ' That was a ring at the door, I think/ said 
 he, and as he spoke, my husband entered the 
 room. 
 
 " ' Ah ! you here ? ' cried he, addressing M. le 
 Singe. ' Parbleu, there's a pretty work in Paris 
 about you it is all over the city this morning 
 that you are off/ 
 
 " ' And the Director ? ' said the ape. 
 
 " ' The old bear, he is off too.' 
 
 " ' So/ thought I to myself, ' it would appear 
 the other beasts have made their escape too/ 
 
 " ' Then, I suppose/ said the ape, ( there will 
 be no catching him/ 
 
 " ' I fear not/ said my husband, ' but if they 
 do succeed in overtaking the old fox, they'll 
 have the skin oS him/
 
 THE ROAD VERSUS THE RAIL. Io7 
 
 "Cruel enough, thought I to myself, con- 
 sidering it was the creature's instinct. 
 
 " ' These, however, are the orders of the 
 Court, and when you have signed this one, 1 
 shall set off in pursuit of him at once/ So said 
 my husband, as he produced a roll of papers 
 from his pocket which the ape perused with the 
 greatest avidity. 
 
 " ' He'll be for crossing the water, I 
 warrant/ 
 
 "'No doubt of it/ said my husband. 
 ' France will be too hot for him for a 
 while/ 
 
 " ' Poor beast/ said I, ' he'll be happier in 
 his native snows/ 
 
 " At this they both laughed heartily, and the 
 ape signed his name to the papers, and brushed 
 the sand over them with the tip of his tail. 
 
 " ' We must get back to Paris at once/ said 
 he, ' and in a coach too, for I cannot have a 
 mob after me again/ 
 
 " ' Leave that to me/ said my husband, ' I'll 
 see you safely home meanwhile let me lend 
 you a cloak and a hat/ and with these words, he 
 dressed up the creature, so that when the collar
 
 l.'i!4 Til 3 ROAD VEliSUS THE P. AH,. 
 
 was raised you would not have known him from 
 that gen tit ma n opposite. 
 
 " ' Adieu/ said he, ' Madame/ with a wave 
 of his hand, ' an revoir. I hope, if it would 
 give you any pleasure to witness our little per- 
 formances/ 
 
 " ' No, no/ said I, ' there's a small creature 
 goes about here, on an organ, in a three-cornered 
 cockt-hat, and a red coat, and I can have him 
 for half an hour for two sous/ 
 
 " ' Votre serviteur, Madame/ said he, with 
 an angry whisk of his tail ; for, although I did 
 not intend it, the beast was annoyed at my 
 remark. 
 
 " Away they went, Messieurs, and, from that 
 hour to this, I never heard more of the creature, 
 nor of his companions, for my husband makes it 
 a rule never to converse on topics relating to his 
 business and it seems he was, somehow or 
 other, mixed up in the transaction." 
 
 " But, Madame/' cried one of the passengers, 
 "you don't mean to palm this fable on us for 
 reality, and make us believe something more 
 absurd than /Esop himself ever invented ? " 
 
 " If it be only an impertinent allegory/' said
 
 THE ROAD VE RSI'S THE TIAIT.. i-V.I 
 
 tbe old gentleman opposite, " I must say it is 
 in the worst possible taste." 
 
 " Or if," said a little white-faced fat man, 
 with spectacles, " or if it be a covert attack 
 upon the National Guard of Paris, as the corporal 
 of the 95th legion, of the 37th arrondissement, 
 I repel the insinuation with contempt." 
 
 " Heaven forbid, gentlemen ; the facts I have 
 narrated are strictly true ; my husband can con- 
 firm them in every particular, and I have only 
 to regret that any trait in the ape's character 
 should suggest uncomfortable recollections to 
 yourselves." 
 
 The train had now reached its destination, 
 and the old lady got out, amid the maledictions 
 of some, and the stifled laughter of others of 
 the passengers for, only one or two had shrewd- 
 ness enough to perceive that she was one of those 
 good credulous souls, who implicitly believed all 
 she had narrated, and whose judgment having 
 been shaken by the miraculous power of a rail- 
 road, which converted the journey of a day into 
 the trip of an hour, could really have swallowed 
 any other amount of the apparently impossible 
 it might be her fortune to meet with.
 
 140 THE ROAD VERSUS THE RAIL. 
 
 For the benefit of those who may not be as 
 easy of belief as the good Madame Geoff roy, let 
 me add one word as the solution of tjjis mystery. 
 The ape was no other than M. G^ouffe, who, 
 being- engaged to perform as a monkey, in the 
 afterpiece of " La Perouse/'' was actually crack- 
 ing nuts in a tree, when he learned from a con- 
 versation in "the flats " that the director, M. 
 Laborde, had just made his escape with all the 
 funds of the theatre, and six months of M. 
 Gouffe's own salary. Several police officers 
 had already gained access to the back of the 
 stage, and were arresting the actors as they 
 retired. Poor Jocko had nothing for it, then, 
 but to put his agility to the test, and having 
 climbed to the top of the tree, he scrambled in 
 succession over the heads of several scenes, till 
 he reached the back of the stage, where, watch- 
 ing his opportunity, he descended in safety, 
 rushed down the stairs, and gained the street. 
 By immense exertions he arrived at the Bois de 
 Boulogne, where he lay concealed until the start- 
 ing of the early train for Versailles. The re- 
 mainder of his adventure the reader already 
 knows.
 
 THE ROAD VERSUS THE RAIL. 141 
 
 Satisfactory as this explanation may be to 
 some, I confess I should be sorry to make it, i 
 I thought it would reach the eyes or ears of poor 
 Madame Geoffroy, and thus disabuse her of a 
 pleasant illusion, and the harmless gratification 
 of recounting her story to others as unsuspecting 
 as herself.
 
 THE TUNNEL OF TTIUBAU. 
 
 MR. BLARE IN BELGIUM. 
 
 AMBLERS have not more prejudices 
 and superstitions than railroad travel- 
 lers. All the preferences for the win- 
 ning places the lucky pacK the shuffling cut, 
 etc., have their representatives among the pre- 
 vailing notions of those who " fly hy steam." 
 
 " I always sit with my back to the engine," 
 cries one. 
 
 " I always travel as far from the engine as 
 possible," exclaims another. 
 
 "I never trust myself behind the luggage 
 train/' adds a third.
 
 THE TUNNEL OK TKUn.U'. 1 4-O 
 
 "There's nothing like a middle place/' whis- 
 pers a fourth : and so on they go : us if, when ;i 
 collision does come, and the clanking- monster 
 has taken an erratic fit, and eschews the beaten 
 path, any precautions or preferences availed in 
 the slightest degree, or that it signified a snort 
 of the steam, whether you were flattened into a 
 pancake, or blown up in the shape of a human 
 souffle. " The Rail " is no Whig politician, no 
 " bit-by-bit " reformer. When a smash happens, 
 skulls are as fragile as saucers, and bones*, as 
 brittle as Bohemian glass. The old " fast coach " 
 never killed anyone but the timid gentleman 
 that jumped off. To be sure, it always dislo- 
 cated the coachman's shoulder ; but then, from 
 old habit of being shot out, the bone rolled in 
 again, like a game of cup and ball. The insides 
 and out scraped each other, swore fearful inten- 
 tions against the proprietors, and some ugly 
 fellow took his action of damages for the loss 
 MS prospects sustained by disfigurement. This 
 was tne whole extent of the mishap. Not so 
 aow, when four hundred souls are dashed fran- 
 h^ally together, and pelt heads at each other as 
 people throw bonbons at a carnival.
 
 144 TUT: TUNM-.I. OF TIU'RAU. 
 
 Steam has invented something besides fast 
 travelling ; and if it has supplied a new method 
 of getting- through the world, it has also sug- 
 gested about twenty new ways of going out of 
 it. Now, it's the old story of the down train 
 and the up, both bent on keeping the same line 
 of rails, and courageously resolving to see which 
 is the " better man/' a point which must always 
 remain questionable, as the umpires never sur- 
 vive. Again, it is the engine itself, that, sick 
 of straight lines, catches a fancy for the waving 
 ones of beauty, and sets out, full speed, over 
 fine grass country, taking the fences as coolly as 
 Allan M'Donough himself, and caring just as 
 little for what " conies behind : " these incidents 
 being occasionally varied by the train taking the 
 sea or taking fire, either of which has its own 
 inconveniences, more likely to be imagined than 
 described. 
 
 I remember once hearing this subject fully 
 discussed in a railroad carriage, where certainly 
 the individuals seemed amateurs in accidents, 
 every man having some story to relate, or some 
 adventure to recount, of the grievous dangers of 
 "the Rail." I could not help questioning to
 
 THE TUNXEL OF TROBAr. 145 
 
 myself the policy of such revelations, so long- ?<s 
 we journeyed within the range of similar caln- 
 mities ; but, somehow, self-tormenting is a very 
 human practice, and we all indulged in it to the 
 utmost. The narratives themselves had their 
 chief interest from some peculiarity in the mode 
 of telling, or in the look and manner of the re- 
 counter; all save one, which really had features 
 of horror all its own, and which were consider- 
 ably heightened by the simple but powerful 
 style of him who told it. I feel how totally 
 incapable I am of conveying even the most dis- 
 tant imitation of his manner; but the story, 
 albeit neither complicated nor involved, I must 
 repeat, were it only as a reminiscence of a most 
 agreeable fellow-traveller, Count Henri de Beuli- 
 vitz, the Saxon envoy at Vienna. 
 
 THE TUNNEL OF TRUBATJ. 
 
 " I was," says the count for so far I must 
 imitate him, and speak in the first person " I 
 was appointed special envoy to the Austrian 
 court about a year and a half since, under cir- 
 cumstances which required the utmost dispatch.
 
 146 T11K TUNNEL OF TKl BAU. 
 
 and was obliged to set out the very dav after 
 receiving my appointment. The new line of 
 railroad from Dresden to Vienna was only in 
 progress, but a little below Prague the line was 
 open, and by travelling thither en poste, I should 
 reach the Austrian capital without loss of time. 
 This I resolved on ; and by the forenoon of the 
 day after, arrived at Triibau, where I placed my 
 carriage on a truck, and comfortably composed 
 myself to rest, under the impression that I need 
 never stir till within the walls of Vienna. 
 
 " If you have ever travelled in this part of 
 Europe. I need not remind you of the sad change 
 of prospect which ensues after you pass the 
 Bohemian frontier. Saxony, rich in picturesque 
 beauty the valley of the Elbe, in many respects 
 finer than the Rhine itself the proud summit 
 of the Bastey the rock-crowned fortress of 
 Krenigstein, are all succeeded by monotonous 
 tracts of dark forest, or still more dreary plains, 
 disfigured, not enlivened by, villages of wretched 
 hovels, poor, I have heard, as the dwellings of 
 the Irish peasant. What a contrast, too ! the 
 people ! the haggard faces and sallow cheeks of 
 the swarthy Bohemian, with the blue eye and
 
 THE TUNNEL OP TEUBAU. 147 
 
 ruddy looks of the Saxon ! ' Das Sachsenland \vo 
 die hiibsche madchen auf die Baiime wachsen.' 
 Proud as I felt at the superiority of my native 
 country, I could not resist the depression sug- 
 gested by the monotony of the scene before me ; 
 its dull uniformity, its hopeless poverty ; and as 
 I sunk into a sleep, my dreams took the gloomy 
 aspect of my waking thoughts, gloomier, per- 
 haps, because unrelieved by all effort of volition 
 a dark river unruffled by a single breeze. 
 
 " The perpetual bang ! bang 1 of the piston 
 has, in its reiterated stroke, something diaboli- 
 cally terrible. It beats upon the heart with an 
 impression irresistibly solemn ! I remember 
 how in my dreams the accessories of the train 
 kept flitting round me, and I thought the 
 measured sounds were the clickings of some 
 infernal clock, which meted out time to legions 
 of devils. I fancied them capering to and fro 
 amid flame and smoke, with shrieks, screams, 
 and wild gestures. My brain grew hot with 
 excitement. I essayed to awake, but the very 
 rocking of the train steeped my faculties in a 
 lethargy. At last, by a tremendous effort, I 
 cried out aloud, and the words broke the spell,
 
 148 THE TUXXEL OF TRL'BAU. 
 
 and I awoke clave I call it awaking-? I rubbeu 
 my eyes, pinched rny arms, stamped with my 
 feet ; alas 1 it was too true ! the reality 
 announced itself to my senses. I was there, 
 seated in my carriage, amid a darkness blacker 
 than the blackest night. A low rumbling 
 sound, as of far-distant thunder, had succeeded 
 to the louder bang of the engine. A dreadful 
 suspicion flashed on me it grew stronger with 
 each second; and, ere a minute more, I saw 
 what had happened. The truck on which my 
 carriage was placed, had by some accident be- 
 come detached from the train; and while the 
 other portion of the train proceeded on its way, 
 there was I, alone, deserted, and forgotten, in 
 the dark tunnel of Triibau for such I at once 
 guessed must be the dreary vault, unillumined 
 by one ray of light, or the glimmering of a 
 single lamp. Convictions, when the work of 
 instinct rather than reflection, have a stunning 
 effect, that seem to arrest all thought, and 
 produce a very stagnation of the faculties. 
 Mine were in this state. As when, in the 
 shock of battle, some terrible explosion, dealing 
 death to thousands at once, will appal the con-
 
 THE TUXXEI. OF TRUBAU. 149 
 
 tending losts, and make men aghast with 
 horror, so did my ideas become fixed and rooted 
 to one horrible object ; and for some time I 
 could neither think of the event nor calculate 
 on its consequences. Happy for me if the 
 stupefaction continued ! No sooner, however, 
 had my presence of mind returned, than I 
 began to anticipate every possible fatality that 
 might occur. Death I knew it must be, and 
 what a death ! to be run down by the train for 
 Prague, or smashed by the advancing one from 
 Olmutz. How near my fate might be, I could 
 not guess. I neither knew how long it was 
 since I entered the tunnel, nor at what hours 
 the other trains started. They might be far 
 distant, or they might be near at hand. Near 1 
 what was space when such terrible power 
 existed ? a league was the work of minutes 
 at that very moment the furious engine might 
 be rushing on ! I thought of the stoker stirring 
 the red fire. I fancied I saw the smoke roll 
 forth, thicker and blacker, as the heat increased, 
 and through my ears went the thugging bang 
 of the piston, quicker and quicker ; and I 
 screamed aloud in my agony, and called out
 
 150 THE TUXXEL OF TKL'BAU. 
 
 to them to stop ! I must have swooned, for 
 when consciousness again came to me, I was 
 still amid the silence and darkness of the 
 tunnel. I listened, and oh ! with what terrible 
 intensity the human ear can strain its powers 
 when the sounds awaited are to announce life or 
 death ! The criminal in the dock, whose eyes 
 are riveted in a glazy firmness on him who 
 shall speak his doom, drinks in the words ere 
 they are well uttered each syllable falls upon 
 his heart as fatal to hope as is the headsman's 
 axe to life. The accents are not human sounds ; 
 it is the trumpet of eternity that fills his ears, 
 and rings within his brain the loud blast 
 of the summoning angel calling him to judg- 
 ment. 
 
 " Terrible as the thunder of coming destruc- 
 tion is, there is yet a sense more fearfully 
 appalling in the unbroken silence of the tomlr 
 the stillness of death without its lethargy ! 
 Dreadful moment ! what fearful images it can 
 call up ! what pictures it can present before 
 the mind ! how fearfully reality may be 
 blended with the fitful forms of fancy, and 
 fact be associated even with the impossible I
 
 THE TUNNEL OF TIU'BAU. 1 5 1 
 
 " I tried to persuade myself that the bounds 
 of life were already past,, and that no dreadful 
 interval of torture was yet before me ; but this 
 consolation, miserable though it was, yielded as 
 I touched the side of the carriage, and felt the 
 objects I so well knew. No ; it was evident 
 the dreaded moment was yet to come the 
 shocking ordeal was still to be passed; and 
 before I should sink into the sleep that knows 
 not waking, there must be endured the torture 
 of a death-struggle, or, mayhap, the lingering 
 agony of protracted suffering. 
 
 "As if in a terrible compensation for the 
 shortness of my time on earth, minutes were 
 dragged out to the space of years amid the 
 terrors of the present, I thought of the past and 
 the future. The past, with its varied fortune of 
 good and ill, of joy and sorrow how did I re- 
 view it now ! With what scrutiny did I pry into 
 my actions, and call upon myself to appear at the 
 bar of my conscience ! Had my present mission 
 to Vienna contained anything Machiavellic in 
 its nature, I should have trembled with the 
 superstitious terror that my misfortune was a 
 judgment of Heaven. But no. It was a mere
 
 152 THE TUXXEL OF TiU'BAC. 
 
 commonplace negotiation, of which time 
 the only requisite. Even this, poor as it was, 
 had some consolation in it I should, at least, 
 meet death without the horror of its being 
 a punishment. 
 
 "I had often shuddered at the fearful 
 narratives of people buried alive in a trance, 
 or walled up within the cell of a convent. How 
 willingly would I now have grasped at such an 
 alternative ! Such a fate would steal over 
 without the terrible moment of actual suffering 
 the crash and the death struggle ! I fancied 
 a thousand alleviating circumstances in the 
 dreamy lethargy of gradual dissolution. Then 
 came the thought and how strange that such 
 a thought should obtrude at such a time what 
 will be said of me hereafter? how will the 
 newspapers relate the occurrence? Will they 
 speculate on the agony of my anticipated 
 doom? will they expatiate on all that I am 
 now actually enduring? What will the pas- 
 sengers in the train say, when the collision 
 shall have taken place? Will there be enough 
 of me left to make investigation easy ? How 
 poor G will regret me! and I am sure he
 
 THE TUNNEL OF ffKUBAU. 15H 
 
 will never be seen in public till he has invented 
 a bon mot on my destiny. 
 
 " Again, I recurred to the idea of culpability, 
 and asked myself whether there might not be 
 some contravention of the intentions of 
 Providence by this newly invented power of 
 steam, which thus involved me in a fate so 
 dreadful ? What right had man to arrogate to 
 himself a prerogative of motion his own 
 physical powers denied him ? and why did he 
 dare to penetrate into the very bowels of the 
 earth, when his instinct clearly pointed to 
 avocations on the surface? These reflections 
 were speedily routed ; for now, a low, rumbling 
 sound, such as I have heard described as the 
 premonitory sign of a coming earthquake, filled 
 the tunnel. It grew louder and louder; and 
 whether it were the sudden change from the 
 dread stillness, or that, in reality, it were so, it 
 sounded like the booming of the sea within 
 some gigantic cavern. I listened anxiously, 
 and oh, terrible thought ! now I could hear the 
 heavy thug ! thug ! of the piston. It was a 
 train ! 
 
 " A train corning towards me ! Every sob of
 
 154 THE TUNNEL OF TRUBAU. 
 
 the straining engine sent a death-pang through 
 me : the wild roar of a lion could not convey 
 more terror to my heart ! I thought of leaving 
 the carriage,, and clinging to the side of the 
 tunnel ; but there was only one line of rails, 
 and the space barely permitted the train to 
 pass ! It was now too late for any effort ; the 
 thundering clamour of the engine swelled like 
 the report of heavy artillery, and then a red 
 hazy light gleamed amid the darkness, as 
 though an eye of fire was looking into my very 
 soul. It grew into a ghastly brightness, and I 
 thought its flame could almost scorch me. It 
 came nearer and nearer. The dark figures of 
 the drivers passed and re-passed behind it. 1 
 screamed and yelled in my agony, and in the 
 frenzy of the moment drew a pistol from my 
 pocket, and fired why, or in what direction, I 
 know not. A shrill scream shot through the 
 gloom. Was it a death-cry? I could not tell, 
 for I had fainted. 
 
 "The remainder is easily told. The train 
 had, on discovering my being left behind, sent 
 back an engine to fetch me ; but from a 
 mistake of the driver, who was given to suppose
 
 THE TUNNEL OK TRUBAU. 155 
 
 that I had not entered the tunnel, lie had kept 
 the engine at half speed, and without the happy 
 accident of the pistol and the flash of the 
 powder, I should inevitably have been run 
 down ; for, even as it was, the collision drove 
 my carriage about fifty yards backwards, an 
 incident of which, happily, I neither was con- 
 scious of at the time, nor suffered from after- 
 wards." 
 
 " That comes of travelling on a foreign rail- 
 road ! " muttered a ruddy-faced old gentleman 
 in drab shorts. " Those fellows have no more 
 notion of how to manage an engine " 
 
 " Than the Pope has of the Polka," chimed in 
 a very Irish accent from the corner of the 
 carriage. 
 
 "Very true, Sir," rejoined the former. 
 " English is the only language to speak to the 
 boiler. The moment they try it on with French 
 or German, something goes wrong. You saw 
 how they roasted the people at Versailles, and 
 
 " Ah ! the devil a bit they know about it at 
 all," interposed the Emeralder. " The water is 
 never more than lukewarm, and there's more
 
 156 THE TUXXEL OF TUCBATT. 
 
 smoke out of the chap's pipe that stands iu 
 tront, than out o the funnel. TheyVe 
 general I} 7 an engine at each end,, and it takes 
 twenty minutes at every station to decide which 
 way they'll go one wanting this way and the 
 other that/' 
 
 "Is it not better in Belgium?" asked I. 
 
 "Belgium, is it? bad luck to it for Belgium: 
 I ought to know something of how they manage. 
 There isn't a word of truth among them. Were 
 you ever at Antwerp ? " 
 
 " Yes : I have passed through it several 
 times." 
 
 "Well, how long does it take to go from 
 Antwerp to Brussels ? " 
 
 " Something more than an hour, if I remem- 
 ber aright." 
 
 " Something more ! on my conscience I 
 think it does. See now, it's four days and a 
 half travelling the same journey." 
 
 A burst of laughter irrepressible met this 
 speech, for scarcely any one of the party had 
 not personal experience of the short distance 
 alluded tc 
 
 " You may laugh as much as you please
 
 MR. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 157 
 
 you're welcome to your fun; but 1 went the 
 road myself, and Fd like to see which of you 
 would say I didn't.'" 
 
 There was no mistaking the tone nor the 
 intention of the speech ; it was said without any 
 elevation of voice, or any bravado of manner, 
 but with the quiet, easy determination of a man 
 who only asked reasonable grounds for an 
 opportunity to blow some other gentleman's 
 brains out. Some disclaimed all idea of a con- 
 tradiction, others apologised for the mirth at 
 the great disparity of the two statements one 
 alleging an hour for what another said four 
 days were required ; while I, anxious to learn 
 the Irishman's explanation, timidly hinted a 
 desire to hear more of his travelling experiences. 
 
 He acceded to my wish with as much readi- 
 ness as he would probably have done had I 
 made overtures of battle, and narrated the 
 following short incident, which for memory's 
 sake, I have called 
 
 "MB. BLAKE IN BELGIUM." 
 
 " 1 was persuaded," quoth Mr. Blake, " I was 
 persuaded by my wife that we ought 1 o go and
 
 158 MR. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 
 
 live abroad for economy that there would be 
 no end to the saving we'd make by leaving our 
 house in Galway, and taking up our residence 
 in France or Belgium. First we'd let the place 
 for at least six hundred a year the garden and 
 orchard we set down for one hundred; then 
 we'd send away all the lazy ' old hangers on/ 
 as my wife called them, such as the gate- 
 keepers, and gardeners, and stable boys. These 
 her sister told her, were 'eating us up' 
 entirely, and her sister was a clever one too a 
 widow woman that had lived in every part of 
 the globe, and knew all the scandal of every 
 capital in Europe, on less than four hundred a 
 year. She told my wife that Ireland was the 
 lowest place at all; nobody would think of 
 bringing up their family there; no education, 
 no manners, and worst of all, no men that could 
 afford to marry. This was a home-stroke, for 
 we had five grown-up girls. 
 
 " ' My dear/ said she, ' you'll live like the 
 Duchess of Sutherland, abroad, for eight 
 hundred a year ; you'll have a beautiful house, 
 see company, keep your carriage and saddle 
 horses, and drink champagne every day of the
 
 MR. BLAKE JN BELGIUM. 159 
 
 week, like small beer ; then velvets and lace are 
 to be had for a song- ; the housemaids wear 
 nothing but silk ; ' in fact, from my wife down 
 to little Joe, that heard sugar candy was only a 
 penny an ounce,, we were all persuaded there 
 was nothing like going abroad for economy. 
 
 " Mrs. Fitzmaurice that was my sister-in- 
 law's name explained to us how there was 
 nothing so expensive as Ireland. 
 
 " * 'Tis not, my dear," said she, ' that things 
 are not cheap ; but that's the reason its ruinous 
 to live here. There's old Molly the cook uses 
 more meat in a day than would feed a foreign 
 family for a month. If you want a beefsteak 
 you must kill a heifer. Now abroad you just get 
 the joint you want, to the very size you wish 
 no bone, if you don't ask for it. And look at 
 the waste. In the stables you keep eight 
 horses, and you never have a pair for the car- 
 riage. The boys are mounted ; but you and the 
 girls have nothing to drive out with : besides, 
 what can you do with that overgrown garden ? 
 It costs you 50/. a year, and you get nothing out 
 of it but crab-apples and cabbages. No, no; 
 the Continent is the place ; and as for society,
 
 160 M?.. BLAKE IX BELGIUM. 
 
 instead of old Darcy, of Bullinanrack, or Father 
 Luke, for company, you'' 11 have Prince this, and 
 Count that, foreign ministers and plenipo- 
 tentiaries, archdukes and attaches without end. 
 There will be more stars round your dinner 
 table, than ever you saw in the sky on a frosty 
 night. And the girls. I wouldn't wonder if 
 the girls, by giving a sly hint that they had a 
 little money, mightn't marry some of the 
 young Coburgs/ 
 
 " These were flattering visions, while for me 
 the trap was baited with port, duty free, and 
 strong burgundy at one and sixpence a bottle. 
 My son Tom was taught to expect cigars at 
 twopence a dozen; and my second daughter, 
 Mary, was told that, with the least instruction, 
 her Irish jig could be converted into a polka. 
 In fact, it was clear we had only to go abroad 
 to save two thirds of our income, and be- 
 come the most accomplished people into the 
 bargain. 
 
 "From the hour this notion was moote 1 
 amongst us, Ireland became detestable. The 
 very pleasures and pastimes we once liked, grew 
 distasteful; even the society of our friends
 
 MR. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 1G1 
 
 came associated with ideas of vulgarity ',!:at 
 deprived it of all enjoyment. 
 
 "'That miserable satin-turque/ exclaimed 
 my wife, 'it is a mere rag, arid it cost me five 
 and ninepence a yard. Mrs. Fitz. says that a 
 shop-girl wouldn't wear it in Paris/ 
 
 " ' Infernal climate ! ' cries Tom ; ' nothing 
 but rain above and mud beneath/ 
 
 "'And dear papa/ cries Sophy, 'old Flan- 
 nigan has no more notion of French than 
 I have of fortification. He calls the man 
 that sells sausages the Marchand de com- 
 bustibles.' 
 
 " If these were not reasons for going abroad, 
 I know nothing of Ireland ; and so we advertised 
 ' Castle Blake ' to be let, and the farming stock 
 to be sold. The latter wasn't difficult. My 
 neighbours bought up everything at short bills, 
 to be renewed whenever they became due. As 
 for the house, it wasn't so easy to find a tenant. 
 So I put in the herd to take care of it, and gave 
 him the garden for his pains. I turned in my 
 cattle over the lawn, which, after eating the 
 grass, took to nibbling the young trees and 
 barking the older ones. This was not a very
 
 102 MR. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 
 
 successful commencement of economy; but Mrs. 
 Fitz. always said 
 
 "'What matter, you'll save more than double 
 the amount the first year you are abroad/ 
 
 " To carry out their economical views, it was 
 determined that Brussels, and not Paris, should 
 bo our residence for the first year ; and thither 
 my wife, and two sons, and five daughters, re- 
 paired, under the special guidance of Mrs. Fitz., 
 who undertook the whole management of our 
 affairs, both domestic and social. I was left 
 behind to arrange certain money matters, and 
 about the payment of interest on some mort- 
 gages, which I consoled myself by thinking 
 that a few years of foreign economy would 
 enable me to pay off in full. 
 
 " It was nearly six months after their depar- 
 ture from Ireland that I prepared to follow, not 
 in such good spirits, I confess, as I once hoped 
 would be my companions on the journey. The 
 cheapness of Continental life requires, it would 
 appear, considerable outlay at the first, probably 
 on the principle that a pastry-cook's apprentice 
 is always surfeited with tarts during the first 
 week ; so that he never gets any taste for sweet-
 
 MR. BLAKE IN BET.GITM. 163 
 
 meats afterwards. This might account for my 
 wife having drawn about twelve hundred pounds 
 in that short time, and always accompanying 
 every fresh demand for money with an eloquent 
 panegyric on her own economy. To believe 
 her, never was there a household so admirably 
 managed. The housemaid could dress hair ; the 
 butler could drive the carriage ; the writing- 
 master taught music ; the dancing-master gave 
 my eldest daughter a lesson in French without 
 any extra charge. Everything that was expen- 
 sive was the cheapest in the end. Genoa velvet 
 lasted for ever; real Brussels lace never wore 
 out ; it was only the ' mock things ' that 
 were costly. It was frightful to think how 
 many families were brought to ruin by cheap 
 articles ! 
 
 " ' I suppose it's all right/ said I to myself ; 
 ' and so far as I am concerned I'll not beggar 
 my family by taking to cheap wines. If they 
 tave any burgundy that goes so high as one 
 and eightpence, I will drink two bottles every 
 day/ 
 
 " Well, Sir, at last came the time that I was 
 
 to set out to join them; and I sailed from 
 
 M
 
 164 MH. BLAKE 1N T 
 
 London in the Princess Victoria, with my pass* 
 port in one pocket, and a written code of direc- 
 tions in the other, for of French I knew 
 not one syllable. It was not that my know- 
 ledge was imperfect or doubtful ; but I was as 
 ignorant of the language as though it was a 
 dead one. 
 
 " The place should be cheap, thought I, for 
 certainly it has no charms of scenery to recom- 
 mend it, as we slowly wended our way up the 
 sluggish Scheldt, and looked with some astonish- 
 ment at the land the Dutchmen thought worth 
 fighting for. Arrived at Antwerp, I went 
 through the ordeal of having my trunks ran- 
 sacked, and my passport examined by some war- 
 like-looking characters, with swords on. They 
 said many things to me ; but I made no reply, 
 seeing that we were little likely to benefit by 
 *ach other's conversation ; and at last, when all 
 my formalities were accomplished, I followed a 
 concourse of people who, I rightly supposed, 
 were on their way to the railroad. 
 
 " It is a plaguy kind of thing enough, even 
 for a taciturn man, not to speak the language 
 of those about him ; however, I made myself
 
 MB. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 105 
 
 tolerably well understood at this station, bv 
 pulling out a handful of silver coin, and repeat- 
 ing the word Brussels, with every variety of 
 accent I could think of. They guessed my in- 
 ,entions, and in acknowledgment of my inability 
 to speak one word of French, pulled and shoved 
 me along till I reached one of the carriages. 
 At last a horn blew, another replied to it, a con- 
 fused uproar of shouting succeeded, like what 
 occurs on board a merchant ship when getting 
 under weigh, and off jogged the train, at a very 
 honest eight miles an hour; but with such a 
 bumping, shaking, shivering, and ricketty 
 motion, it was more like travelling over a 
 Yankee corduroy road than anything else. I 
 don't know what class of carriage I was in, but 
 the passengers were all white-faced, smoky- 
 looking fellows, with very soiled shirts and dirty 
 hands ; with them, of course, I had no manner 
 of intercourse. I was just thinking whether I 
 shouldn't take a nap, when the train came to a 
 dead stop, and immediately after, the whole 
 platform was covered with queer-looking fellows, 
 in shovelled hats, and long petticoats like women. 
 These gentry kept bowing and saluting each
 
 Ififi MR BT.AKF. IN BELGIUM. 
 
 other in a very droll fashion, and absorbed my 
 attention, when my arm was pulled by one of 
 the guards of the line, while he said something 
 to me in French; what he wanted, the devil 
 himself may know, but the more I protested 
 that I couldn't speak, the louder he replied, and 
 the more frantically he gesticulated, pointing 
 while he did so to a tr ; n about to start, 
 hard by. 
 
 "'Oh! that's it/ said i to myself, 'we 
 change coaches here;' and so I immediately 
 got out, and made the best of my way over to 
 the other train. I had scarcely time to spare, 
 for away it went at about the same lively pace 
 as the last one. After travelling about an hour 
 and a half more, I began to look out for Brus- 
 sels, and looking at my code of instructions, I 
 suspected I could not be far of ; nor was I much 
 mistaken as to our being nigh a station, for the 
 speed was diminished to a slow trot, and then a 
 walk, after a mile of which we crept up to the 
 outside of a large town. There was no use in 
 losing time in asking questions, so I seized my 
 carpet bag, and jumped out, and, resisting all 
 the offers of the idle vagabonds to carry my
 
 MR. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 167 
 
 luggage, I forced my way through the crowd , 
 and set out in search of my family. I soon got 
 into an intricate web of narrow streets, with 
 shops full of wooden shoes, pipes, and blankets 
 of all the colours of the rainbow; and after 
 walking for about three quarters of an hour, 
 began to doubt whether I was not traversing 
 the same identical streets or was it that they 
 were only brothers ? ' Where's the Boulevard ? ' 
 thought I, ' this beautiful place they have been 
 telling me of, with houses on one side, and trees 
 on the other ; I can see nothing like it ; ' and 
 so I sat down on my carpet bag, and began to 
 ruminate on my situation. 
 
 "'"Well, this will never do/ said I, at last; 
 ( I must try and ask for the Boulevard de 
 Regent/ I suppose it was my bad accent that 
 amused them, for every fellow I stopped put on 
 a broad grin ; some pointed this way, and some 
 pointed that, but they all thought it a high 
 joke. I spent an hour in this fashion, and then 
 gave up the pursuit. My next thought was the 
 hotel where my family had stopped on their 
 arrival, which I found, on examining my notes, 
 was called ' The Hotel de Suede/ Here I was
 
 168 .AIR. BLAKE IX BELGIUM. 
 
 more lucky everyone knew that; and, after 
 traversing 1 a couple of streets, I found myself at 
 the door oL a great roomy inn, with a door like 
 a coach-house gat*. ' There is no doubt about 
 this/ said I ; for the words ' Hotel de Suede ' 
 were written up in big letters. I made signs 
 for something to eat, for I was starving ; but 
 before my pantomime was well begun, the whole 
 household set off in search of a waiter who could 
 speak English. 
 
 " ' Ha ! ha ! ' said a fellow with an impudent 
 leer, ' ros bif, eh ? ' 
 
 " I did not know whether it was meant for 
 me, or the bill of fare ; but I said ' Yes, and 
 potatoes ; ' but before I let him go in search of 
 the dinner, I thought I would ask him a few 
 words about my family, who had stopped at the 
 hotel for three weeks. 
 
 " ' Do you know Mrs. Blake/ said I, ' of 
 Castle Blake ?' 
 
 " ' Yees, yees, I know her very veil/ 
 " ' She was here about six months ago/ 
 " ' Yees, yees ; she vas here sex months/ 
 " ' No ; not for six months three weeks/ 
 " ' Yees ; all de same/
 
 MB. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 109 
 
 " ' Did you see her lately ? ' 
 
 " ' Yees, dis mominY 
 
 " f This morning-! was she here this morii- 
 iug?' 
 
 " ' Yees ; she come here vith a captain of 
 Cuirassiers ah ! droll fellow dat ! ' 
 
 " ' Thafs a lie anyhow/ said I, ' my young 
 gentleman ; ' and with that I planted my fist 
 between his eyes, and laid him flat on the floor. 
 Upon my conscience, you would have thought 
 it was murder I had done ; never was there sueh 
 yelling, and screaming, and calling for the police, 
 and Heaven knows what besides; and sure 
 enough, they marched me off between a file 
 of soldiers to a place like a guard-room, where, 
 whatever the fellow swore against me, it cost 
 me a five pound note before I got free. 
 
 " ' Keep a civil tongue in your head, young 
 man, about Mrs. Blake, anyway; for by the 
 hill of Maam, if I hear a word about the 
 Cuirassier, Fll not leave a whole bone in 
 your skin/ 
 
 11 Well, Sir, I got a roast chicken, and a dish 
 of water-cress, and I got into a bed about four 
 feet six long, and what between the fleas and
 
 170 MR. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 
 
 the nightmare, I hadn't a pleasant time of it 
 till morning. 
 
 "After breakfast I opened my map of 
 Brussels, and sending- for the landlord, bid 
 him point with his finger to the place I was 
 in. He soon understood my meaning ; but, 
 taking me by the arm, he led me to the wall, 
 on which was a large map of Belgium, and 
 then, my jewel ! what do you think I dis- 
 covered ? It was not in Brussels I was at all, 
 but in Louvain ! seventeen miles on the other 
 side of it ! Well, there was nothing for it now 
 but to go back, so I paid my bill and set off 
 down to the station. In half-an-hour the train 
 came up, and when they asked me where I was 
 going, I repeated the word Brussels several 
 times over. This did not seem to satisfy them ; 
 and they said something about my being an 
 Englishman. 
 
 " ' Yes, yes/ said I, ' Angleterre, Angleterre.' 
 " c Ah, Angleterre ! ' said one, who looked 
 shrewder than the rest, and as if at once com- 
 prehending my intentions, he assisted me into 
 a carriage, and politely taking off his hat, made 
 me a salute at parting adding something about
 
 MR. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 171 
 
 a ' voyage.' ' Well, he'll be a cunning fellow 
 that sees me leave this train till it comes to its 
 destination/ said I ; ' I'll not be shoved out by 
 any confounded guard, as I was yesterday/ My 
 resolution was not taken in vain, for just at the 
 very place I got out, on the day before, a fellow 
 came, and began making signs for me to 
 change to another train. 
 
 " ' Fll tell you what,' says I, laying hold of 
 my cotton umbrella at the same moment, ( Fll 
 make a Belgian of you, if you will not let ms 
 alone. Out of this place I'll not budge for 
 King Leopold himself/ 
 
 "And though he looked very savage for a 
 few minutes, the way I handled my weapon 
 satisfied him that I was not joking, and he 
 gave it up for a bad job, and left me at peace. 
 The other passengers said something, I suppose 
 in explanation. 
 
 "'Yes/ said I, 'Fm an Englishman, or an 
 Irishman it's all one Angleterre/ 
 
 " ' Ah, Angleterre ! " said three or four in a 
 breath, and the words seemed to act like a 
 charm npon them, for whatever I did seemed 
 all fail and reasonable now. I kept a sharp
 
 172 MR. BLAKE IX BELGIUM. 
 
 look out for Brussels, but hour after hour 
 slipped past, and though we passed several large 
 towns, there was no sign of it. After six 
 hours' travelling, an old gentleman pulled out 
 his watch, and made signs to me that we should 
 be in in less than ten minutes more ; and so we 
 were, and a droll-looking place it was a town 
 built in a hole, with clay ditches all round it, to 
 keep out the sea. 
 
 " ' My wife never said a word about this/ 
 said I : ' she used to say Castle Blake was 
 damp, but this place beats it hollow. Where's 
 the Boulevards ? ' said I. 
 
 "And a fellow pointed to a sod bank, where a 
 sentry was on guard. 
 
 " c If if s a joke you're making me,' said I, 
 ' you mistake your man;' and I aimed a blow at 
 him with my umbrella, that sent him running 
 down the street as fast as his wooden slippers 
 would let him. 
 
 " ' It ought to be cheap here, anyhow/ said 
 I. ' Faith, I think a body ought to be paid 
 for living in it; but how will I find out the 
 family ? ' 
 
 "I was two hours walking through this
 
 Mil. BLAKB IN' BELGIUM. 17^ 
 
 cursed hole,, always coming back to a big 
 square, with a fish-market, no matter which 
 way I turned; for devil a one could tell me :i 
 word about Mrs. Blake or Mrs. Fitz. either. 
 
 " ( Is there a hotel ? ' said I, and the moment 
 I said the word, a dozen fellows were dragging 
 me here and there, till I had to leave two or 
 three of them sprawling with my umbrella, and 
 give myself up to the guidance of one of the 
 number. Well, the end of it was if I passed 
 the last night at Louvain, the present I was 
 destined to pass at Ostend ! 
 
 "I left this mud town by the early train 
 next morning; and having altered my tactics, 
 determined now to be guided by any one who 
 would take the trouble to direct me neither 
 resisting nor opposing. To be brief, for my 
 story has grown too lengthy, I changed carriages 
 four tim/os, at each place there being a row 
 among y .he bystanders which party should decide 
 my destination ; the excitement once running 
 so high, that I lost one skirt of my coat, and 
 had my cravat pulled off ; and the end of this 
 was, that I arrived, at four in the afternoon, at 
 Lie*ge, sixty odd miles beyond Brussels ! for,
 
 17'!- .UP. BLAKE IN BELGIUM. 
 
 somehow, these intelligent people have contrived 
 to make their railroads all converge to one 
 small town called ' Malines ; ' so that you may 
 as was my case pass within twelve miles 
 of Brussels every day, and yet never set eyes 
 on it. 
 
 "I was now so fatigued by travelling, so 
 wearied by anxiety and fever, that I kept my 
 bed the whole of the following day, dreaming, 
 whenever I did sleep, of everlasting railroads, 
 and starting out of my slumbers to wonder if I 
 should ever see my family again. I set out 
 once more, and for the last time my mind 
 being made up, that if I failed now, I'd take 
 up my abode wherever chance might drop me, 
 and write to my wife to come and look for me. 
 The bright thought flashed on me, as I watched 
 the man in the baggage office, labelling the 
 baggage, and seizing one of the gummed labels, 
 marked ' Bruxelles/ I took off my coat, and 
 stuck it between the shoulders. This done, I 
 resumed my garment, and took my place. 
 
 ' f The plan succeeded, the only inconvenience 
 I sustained being the necessity I was under of 
 showing my way-bill whenever they questioned
 
 " I STUCK THE GUMMED LABEL BETWEEN MT SHOULDERS." 
 
 [P. 174.
 
 JfR. BLAKE IX BELGIUM. 175 
 
 me, ard milking a pirouette to the company,, a 
 perfoimance that kept the passengers in broad 
 grins for the whole day's journey. So you see, 
 gentlemen, they may talk as they please about 
 the line from Antwerp to Brussels, and the 
 time being only one hour fifteen minutes; but 
 take my word for it, that even if you don't 
 take a day's rest it's a good three days' and a 
 half, and costs eighty-five francs, and some 
 coppers besides/' 
 
 "The economy of the Continent, then, did 
 not fulfil your expectations ? " 
 
 " Economy is it ? " echoed Mr. Blake, with a 
 groan; "for the matter of that, my dear, it 
 was like my own journey a mighty round- 
 about way of gaining your object, and " here 
 he sighed heavily " nothing to boast of when 
 you got it." 
 
 TUB END. 
 
 S. Cowan & Co, t Stralhmore Printing Works, Perth,
 
 A 000107366 7