FOUR SHORT PLAYS OTHER PLAYS BY CHARLES FRED ERIC N I RD LINGER (already published or now in press) THE FIRST LADY OF THE LAND (Produced by Elsie Ferguson) THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE (Produced by William F aver sham in the United States, and by Martin Harvey in London) THE CONSUL (Produced by Louis Mann) WASHINGTON S FIRST DEFEAT (Produced by Arnold Daly) THE RUN OF THE CARDS (Produced by the C alburn Players) SPANGLES (Produced with William Elliott and Georgia O Ramey in leading roles) MARION DE LORME (AN ADAPTATION) MORE THAN QUEEN (AN ADAPTATION) (Produced by Julia Arthur) MADAME POMPADOUR (Produced by Sadie Martinet) THE SCANDAL AT BELCOURT S THE PARSON S BALLET THE POSTHUMOUS JEST OF DON MENDOZA AN AFTERNOON S HONEYMOON FOUR SHORT PLAYS LOOK AFTER LOUISE AN EVERYDAY TRAGEDY BIG KATE A DIPLOMATIC TRAGEDY THE REAL PEOPLE - A SAWDUST TRAGEDY ARENT THEY WONDERS? A HOLIDAY TRAGEDY BY CHARLES FREDERIC NIRDLINGER NEW YORK MITCHELL KENNERLEY 1916 COPYR.IGHT IQl6 BY MITCHELL KENNERLEY PRINTED IN AMERICA CONTENTS PAGE LOOK AFTER LOUISE i BIG KATE 31 THE REAL PEOPLE 65 AREN T THEY WONDERS? 89 382607 LOOK AFTER LOUISE AN EVERYDAY TRAGEDY IN ONE ACT THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY HUGH STANHOPE ERIC CRICHTON LOUISE DRAYTON JAMISON LOOK AFTER LOUISE SCENE I The three episodes of the tragedy hare for scene the living-room in Hugh Stanhope s apartment. Stanhope is rich, bachelor, about 35: and the room is furnished accordingly. At rise of curtain, Eric Crichton, Louise Dray ton and Stanhope are seated at small dining-table; Louise faxes the audience, Crichton at right, Stanhope at left. The dinner has come to the point of sweets and fruit; coffee is making in a crystal percolator. Jami son, the servant, places cigars and cigarettes on table near Stanhope, then exits, with tray of plates, cover- dishes, etc. There is a slight pause. CRICHTON (offering his cigarette-case to Louise) Will you have one? LOUISE (formally) Thanks, no. CRICHTON Kind you like. 1LOTJISE No, thank you. (Turns to Stanhope) Evidently Rhoda isn t coming. LOOK AFTER LOUISE STANHOPE No, she didn t think she could get here; she just phoned from up town somewhere on the way to her sister s. They re leaving town in the morning and Kitty may stay over night to see them off. If she doesn t, she s to phone before nine (Looks at watch) and I ll send the car for her. It s half-past now. LOUISE Sorry! I wanted so much to talk with her this eve ning. CRICHTON I ll take you up there, if you like. LOUISE (frostily) Thanks, no ! STANHOPE What s wrong with you two? LOUISE (with elaborate indifference) Nothing! Why? STANHOPE You ve been so terribly polite to each other since you came in. You usually hold hands or (Glances under table) touch toes. LOUISE My nerves are a bit upset, to-night. CRICHTON And for no reason that / can see. LOUISE (smiling: icily) You wouldn t, dear. STANHOPE (cheerily) Good ! Have it out ! LOOK AFTER LOUISE LOUISE (touching Cricliton s hand) Well, he is a dear but he doesn t understand women and never will ! CRICHTON (piqued) I write about women. And some people say I do it rather well. LOUISE Yes, but the women you create in your stories deal only with gentlemen. And gentlemen don t understand women. STANHOPE Bromide! LOUISE No ! I never saw a man yet a real man that under stands. Only men I ever saw who knew women how to take em and how to handle em were either brutes or bounders. STANHOPE ANHOPE Well, you hare upset your nerves ! ?TrwTnM CRICHTON And just from brooding over trifles. Now it s got to end ! I m going South to-morrow for three, four weeks some magazine work and I couldn t do it if I thought of you worried over such things and lonely. (To Stanhope) I ll leave it to you, Stan LOUISE You will not! CRICHTON But on the way here, you agreed 6 LOOK AFTER LOUISE LOUISE I thought Rhoda would be here (Indicates Stan hope) He d side with you, of course. You ve no right to know, either of you. CRICHTON / can t help know, after what I heard at your apart ment LOUISE (sharply) You d no right to hear. CRICHTON Tried not to, but (To Stanhope) mong others the man for the rent! And that s always a very penetrating voice. LOUISE (plaintively) Don t talk about it, please. CRICHTON (insisting) But, my dear girl we must talk. LOUISE (puts hand over ears) I won t listen won t listen ! \_She leaves the table m a burst of temper, crosses to piano, and plays loudly. Crichton and Stanhope, in pantomime, continue the discussion. Then, after some seconds during which Crichton takes cheque book from pocket and writes out a cheque STANHOPE Louise ! He s quite right. (She shakes her head "no"; contmues playing) Why not? LOUISE (talking over her shoulder) A woman can t accept that sort of favor from the man she loves. CRICHTON But why? LOOK AFTER LOUISE LOUISE She just can t daren t mustn t! CRICHTON (insisting) Yes, but what reason? LOUISE (with crescendo on the piano-keys) Because! Because!! Because!!! STANHOPE (with mock gravity, imitating the crescendo) Three perfectly good reasons ! LOUISE (playing more softly) It isn t a thing of reason, or logic, or sense : a woman just feels it an intuition that warns her gainst You know about palmistry? CRICHTON A little. LOUISE (shows her palm) See that line? (indicates it) There! (they peer at her palm) That s the line of well, of a "nice" woman. STANHOPE (illuminating it with his cigarette) Not very deep, is it? LOUISE No you cynic ! it s tiny a mere gossamer thread. (to Stanhope) Don t squeeze my hand or it ll dis appear, quite. It s extremely sensitive, that line ; responds to every trifle of a woman s life the slight est act, or vagrant thought. STANHOPE Still, you have to pay your rent. LOUISE I shall in a minute ! I m to do the Japanese Room at Senator Spudds new house and Madame s boudoir and they ll pay big. 8 LOOK AFTER LOUISE CRICHTON But Lord knows when! You know how those rich people are. LOUISE (livening) I ll ask for an advance ! STANHOPE (disapproving) Then they ll know you need the work and pay you half the job s worth. Do as Eric says. CRICHTON There s no other way. STANHOPE Oh, yes, there is. (Louise alert, plays very softly) And I m rather hurt you haven t thought of me. LOUISE (turning from piano) You? If I can t let Eric who s everything in the world to me how could I take it from you who s nothing at all? STANHOPE That s the answer! (Louise, unconvinced, resumes playing) (Stanhope insisting) But you re going to marry Eric? LOUISE Yes. STANHOPE Well, you d take it, if you were his wife. LOUISE (still playmg) O, if I were his wife we d be married . . . and that s very different from being in love. (The two men exchange looks of amused surprise and laugh out right.) LOOK AFTER LOUISE 9 LOUISE (hurrying on as she turns from piano) Well, you know what I mean! When you re mar ried you don t bother about ideals and principles and romance. But I wouldn t borrow from my husband if still in love with him. My sister never does, she tells me. Because if she forgets to pay him back he s sore and if he Uts her pay him back, she s sore (A phone rings outside) STANHOPE (eagerly) That s probably Rhoda. JAMISON (at door) Mr. Winston phones to ask if you ll be at your club this evening? STANHOPE Yes. Did he say any particular time? JAMISON No, sir; just asked if you d likely be there? STANHOPE Yes, tell him. (Jamison exits) Poor chap s all in since the break with Peggy that heartless little ! LOUISE (triumphant) There you are! Just what we re talking about and right to the point. Winston and Peggy Deane! STANHOPE Ugh that hoppy little flirt ! LOUISE Yes, but hoppy about Winston and his best model ! till he spoiled it all killed a beautiful romance with (disgusted) shoes! Actually gave her shoes! CRICHTON She probably needed them to walk in. 10 LOOK AFTER LOUISE LOUISE (assenting) She did and out (gestures) with some one else. STANHOPE Can t a man be kind to a woman he s in love with? LOUISE "Kind" perhaps but not useful! CRICHTON We can t be pals as well as ? LOUISE (interrupting) Not at the same time! CRICHTON The things she must have, a girl must get, somehow. LOUISE (assenting "yes" ) And she will but not from the man she cares for (indicates Crichton) specially not intimate things to wear like shoes. STANHOPE Now, come, you know what I think of Rhoda. LOUISE Yes, and she of you. STANHOPE Well, when I went abroad last spring, she had me bring her some intimate things gloves. LOUISE Evening gloves ! STANHOPE And a coat. LOUISE Lace coat! STANHOPE Yes and stockings. LOOK AFTER LOUISE 11 LOUISE Silk! And that s different! She didn t absolutely need such things. She could live without silk stock ings. STANHOPE Not Rhoda ! She couldn t walk in anything but silk. LOUISE (nodding "yes" ) And so made you take her cheque for everything you had brought and cried her eyes out when she found you had never put the cheque in bank. STANHOPE (laughing) Yes, that was our first quarrel. LOUISE Well, we re not going to have any "first !" (Catches Crichton trying to smuggle the cheque into her mesh- bag.) What s that? CRICHTON A scrap of paper. STANHOPE (urging) And do be sensible ! CRICHTON Just enough to see you through. LOUISE Probably all you have. CRICHTON But I ll have a lot more when my book s done, and meanwhile there s hack work, and something comes in. LOUISE Yes, and goes out for dinner with me and taxis choc lates and flowers. LOOK AFTER LOUISE CRICHTON ( persuadingly ) But there ll be no more of that, till I get back. (to Stanhope) You ll look after Louise a bit, while I m gone? You and Rhoda? STANHOPE Sure ! LOUISE (holds mesh-bag so that cheque drops out) No ! I couldn t touch it nor look at it ! And please don t think I m not grateful but you can t understand how a woman feels. (With feeling) Love is a tender, delicate, sensitive flower, and we must guard it, jealously, from every possible hurt. STANHOPE (to Crichton) (indicating cheque) Tear that up, old man ! LOUISE (triumphant) There! You understand! STANHOPE Perfectly. (To Crichton) Go to the bank and put that amount to her credit. LOUISE (protesting) Oh, but STANHOPE (continuing) You needn t touch it, nor look at it except by cheque. LOUISE (after a little hesitation) You re a brute! STANHOPE (to Crichton) Settled! LOUISE But one thing I insist on: til I ve paid it back, no more taxis chocolates flowers dinners. (Crichton nods assent to each, except the last) LOOK AFTER LOUISE 13 CRICHTON O, but that s the best hour we have dinner. LOUISE Then we ll dine at my place chops, salad, coffee and fudge. And you ll not bring flowers. CRICHTON Oh, but LOUISE (insisting) Not a penny pink ! Promise ! CRICHTON You d wilt without a rose or two on your desk. LOUISE Well, then, one rose twice a week. (The phone in hatt rings.) I hope that s Rhoda! STANHOPE No! She d call this number. (Indicates phone on desk) JAMISON (at door) It s Mr. Winston again: asks when you ll be leaving for the club? STANHOPE (somewhat embarrassed) Well I- LOUISE (rising) Go long! STANHOPE (to Jamison) Very soon, say. (Jamison exits) Poor Win ! But you needn t leave. CRICHTON We re going for a dance at the Biltmore. STANHOPE Wait till I get my keys and I ll drop you there in the car. 14 LOOK AFTER LOUISE LOUISE (in alarm) No, no, don t bother. STANHOPE On my way, to the club. (Exits) LOUISE (quickly, in half whisper) He mustn t take us to the Biltmore! CRICHTON Why? LOUISE We might run into Rhoda. She s going there with Winston. CRICHTON (gaspmg) But (To Stanhope; re-entering) Louise thinks she d like to walk to the hotel, and get the air. LOUISE (wearily) Yes, you two ve been too much for me with your arguments. (Stanhope rings. Jamison enters with hats and coats. He helps Crichton into his and then goes up stage to door. Stanhope helps Louise mto her coat) (To Stanhope:) I shall hate myself for giving in (fiercely) And I ll hate you worse for talking me into it. (Exits angrily) CRICHTON (grasps Stanhope s hand) Thanks ! And while I m gone, do look after Louise a bit. (Exits.) (Jamison re-enters) STANHOPE Jamison go to Hartley, the florist s, to-morrow and have him send a dozen or so of Merican Beau ties to Miss Drayton JAMISON With your card, sir? LOOK AFTER LOUISE 15 STANHOPE No, no. And tell him, if there s any inquiry he doesn t know who sends them. JAMISON Yes, sir. STANHOPE And, Jamison tell him to send a nice box two or three times a week for the present. (Rather to him self) She s fond of roses. JAMISON (while helping Stanhope with coat) They mostly are Yes, sir. I was thinking of going out myself, sir, unless (Hesitates) STANHOPE Well? JAMISON I was thinking, possibly, you d want me to stop home for the phone message. STANHOPE (perplexed) Whose? JAMISON I was thinking, possibly, Miss Rhoda might STANHOPE (angrily) I don t pay you to think, Jamison. I couldn t afford to ! (Exits.) [Jamison, after hearing the outer door close, critic ally selects half a dozen of the best roses in the vase, with some of the "asparagus"; ties, and wraps them in tissue paper, turns off all the electric lights except one. Exits.] CUBTAIN 16 LOOK AFTER LOUISE SCENE II (TWO MONTHS LATER.) At rise of curtain the room is in the gloom of winter dusk, save for the light of the fireplace, into which Stanhope stares moodily, -frowningly; he has m his hand a silver-framed photograph of Rhoda, at which he glances occasionally. Jamison enters silently, and makes to turn on the lights, but notmg Stanhope s sombre posture, pauses. JAMISON Shall I turn on light, sir? STANHOPE (gruffly) Dark enough, isn t it? (Hurriedly lays photograph JAMISON (as he lights a lamp here and there) Yes, sir; but I was thinking possibly you might be thinking. STANHOPE (with temper) I was thinking of giving you a month s notice. JAMISON (gratefully) I m entitled to only a week s, sir. (Stanhope jams on hat, seizes gloves and stick from table) (Jami son sets Rhoda 9 s photo upright) You dining in, sir? STANHOPE Bah ! (Makes to exit by door back) JAMISON (intervening) Better go this way. (Indicates door at left) LOOK AFTER LOUISE 17 STANHOPE Why? JAMISON (in low tone) Mr. Crichton s there. (Nods toward hall, back) STANHOPE Ask him to walk in. JAMISON (in low tone) I m fraid, sir, he s been drinking. STANHOPE Can t he walk? JAMISON Yes, sir, but he seems terribly upset excited and (mysterious) he has a well, I m thinking it s a box of flowers. STANHOPE (with gesture of dismissal) Show him in. (Puts down stick and gloves, throws hat on chair. Jamison exits. Crichton enters, lug ging a long, purple florist s carton, with rose-stems protruding. Nods curtly and puts into Stanhope s outstretched hand an unsealed envelope.) STANHOPE What s that? CRICHTON Your bill, from Hartley s. STANHOPE What you doing with it? CRICHTON I paid it. That s the receipt including these. (Indicates flowers) They were just going out. I said I d take em along. STANHOPE (looking at tag) But they re addressed to 18 LOOK AFTER LOUISE CRICHTON (jumping in) Most of em were in that account. STANHOPE (frowning) But I don t like what you ve done. CRICHTON Neither do I seeing I had to do it by trick. Went there and asked for Mr. Stanhope s bill itemized (points to bill) That shows where most of em went and (distracted) Stan, old man, I just had to know who was sending em ! STANHOPE You had only to ask me. (Kindly) And, my dear boy, that s a rather fine bill. You can t afford to pay such a CRICHTON (with spirit) I can t afford to let you pay it! STANHOPE If you feel that way, of course. (Sincerely) I wouldn t hurt you for the finest bill in the world, nor the finest girl. I meant, of course, for Louise to think you were sending them. CRICHTON She did! Accused me of sending them and break ing my promise. For a time after I got back we never spoke of the flowers but when I saw her rooms kept like a a prima-donna s boudoir I asked "who s the man?" A mistake, of course! but I couldn t stand it any longer ! Then I found she thought I d been sending them they came without a card and I couldn t convince her it wasn t me. She vowed she d refuse to accept them any more. I couldn t have that you know how she loves them! LOOK AFTER LOUISE 19 and we had a quarrel our first ! because I sug gested it might be you sending them. She said you d certainly have put in your card "Why not?" and insisted she d turn em back the next ones. That s how I came to go there and wouldn t let them send these. STANHOPE I am sorry ! But I remembered how she made you promise to cut out all such attentions (Points to roses) I knew how she d miss them. (Ruefully) And as I can t send to Rhoda any more, I I well, it was a sort of comfort to send em to Louise. You asked me to look after her a bit. CRICHTON (with nod "yes") And you ve been bully she told me asked her to lunch and matinees and sent your car round. STANHOPE But she never had time for anything cept dinner one night at Longview, and used the car casionally. CRICHTON That job for Senator Spudds! She s put in every minute and it s got on her nerves maybe? STANHOPE Most likely. CRICHTON (unhappily) O, she isn t the same girl. Not to me. Changed in every way tone of her voice very expression of her eyes when she looks at me. STANHOPE (laughing) You just imagine. CRICHTON (despairingly) Hell, no! 20 LOOK AFTER LOUISE STANHOPE Well, what makes you think ? What has she done or said ? CEICHTON Nothing nothing that you can lay your hands on ! But you know you can tell always when it s "cold." STANHOPE (shakes his head "no") Not till it knocks you cold, sometimes as it did me that night, two months ago, when I just happened into the Biltmore and ran into Rhoda with Winston. (Laughing at his own discomfiture) "Poor Win" ! whom I waited for at the club till midnight so I might cheer him up! (Reminiscent) Not a sign till then cept she d be late at appointments and careless or snippy about explaining. CRICHTON (brightenmg) Not Louise! Formerly, if she kept me waiting, she didn t speak of it, at all. We both knew it couldn t be helped and didn t waste time over it. But now she takes pains to explain, and excuse when I ques tion her. STANHOPE (encouragingly) There you are! And you go about together as . before ? CEICHTON (bitterly) No ! Cheap restaurants when it isn t a snack at her place ; the "sub," stead of taxi s soda-fountains stead of Maillard s. No more plays. Movies ! A scrap, last evening, cause I suggested dinner at Longview! She ll have nothing as before says that was the agreement till she s paid that loan. LOOK AFTER LOUISE STANHOPE (approving) Loyal to her ideals, and a "good pal" ! c RICH TON I don t want her for "pal" ! That s all right tween her and a friend like you but if it came to that and Louise is only my "pal" why I d I d well, when Rhoda broke with you you know what you said ! STANHOPE (assenting) But you notice I m still here to tell you what I said. Stop here and dine with me. CRICHTON No, please! I d be thinking every second of the night she sat there (points to table) and fought gainst that damned cheque warned me of the very thing that s happened STANHOPE (consolingly) Nothing s happened. CEICHTON (despairingly) Ah! (Turns to go) STANHOPE (intervening) Come ! You re not fit to be alone to-night neither am I. We ll dine at the club ; then go to the play. I ve sent for seats. CRICHTON No I must get back to my rooms ! Louise said she d phone maybe. STANHOPE Tell them to say you re here. (Starts to lift phone.) LOOK AFTER LOUISE CRICHTON (nervously) No, no, they might forget or mix things up and I d miss the call. I ll go wait for it. And drag her out to some jolly show. You come long and tell her about the roses. STANHOPE No ! Best be by yourselves to-night. CRICHTON Perhaps, yes ! (Turns to go.) (Jamison enters, with significant promptness.) STANHOPE (indicating the box of roses) What ll I do with these? CRICHTON Give them to the next girl that calls with my com pliments. (Moves to door back) JAMISON (intervening) This way, sir. (Shows Crichton out at left.) (Stan hope at door, watches him off. Comes down, shaking his head in troubled thought; looks at the flower box, then takes a card from pocket-case and writes on it.) STANHOPE (to Jamison re-entering, indicating box of flowers) Take those over to Gainsboro Studios with this (Gives card) JAMISON She s here, sir been waiting. STANHOPE Why didn t you show her in? JAMISON (significantly) Well, I thought, sir - LOOK AFTER LOUISE 23 STANHOPE You think entirely too much ! Put em in a vase. (Jamison exits with the roses. Stanhope hur riedly puts the photograph of Rhoda i/n desk- drawer.) SCENE III. Louise comes in; none too fitly clad for the wintry storm, in coat and jacket of serge, and skimpy furs; but she is buoyant, aglow, a tune on her lips. STANHOPE You re happy! LOUISE Dangerously ! (Half -whispers) It s over. STANHOPE (troubled) What! LOUISE That horrid affair with Eric my debt ! STANHOPE (relieved) Oh! LOUISE I put the amount to his credit, at the bank to-day. And I couldn t rest til I told you ! STANHOPE That means I m forgiven for talking you into it? LOUISE Of course ! You ve been the sweetest, dearest fellow through it all. How can I ever make it up to you? STANHOPE I d do anything for Eric. LOOK AFTER LOUISE LOUISE And so would I. He s proved himself a real pal poor kid! I told him how kind you d been, while he was gone. STANHOPE I tried to be; he said to look after you, a bit; but you wouldn t give me a chance. LOUISE I didn t think it right under the circumstances ; Eric away and my obligation to him. O, I wanted to, often, you may be sure. All I could do, at times, to turn down Sherry s the "Follies" and another ride to Longview like the one we had that moonlight night. And that s just it, you see! why a woman hates that sort of obligation; it keeps her from doing the things she d like to do and makes her want to do them just because she shouldn t. Why, if I hadn t felt that way about Eric and what he did for me I d have dined with you, gone to theatre used your car and never give a second thought to it nor to you,, either ! STANHOPE Eric wouldn t mind, I m sure. LOUISE (with a little laugh) He "minded" your roses. STANHOPE (startled) My ? How d you know? From Eric? LOUISE ("no") From the nice way you did it. I knew all along it was you. LOOK AFTER LOUISE 25 STANHOPE Then I didn t manage so very well. I meant you to think they came from him. LOUISE And all along I ve made Eric think I thought so. I scolded him, for his reckless extravagance, and breaking his word. We actually quarreled because he denied he d sent them. STANHOPE (rather reprovingly) But if you knew, why didn t you tell him? LOUISE Because he asked ! He never did that before never questioned me about anything. And I thought he was presuming on and anyway, he wouldn t under stand. STANHOPE Yes, he will. Tell him you were just "teasing". Go over to him or call him up. (Points to phone) LOUISE (nervously) No ! Not now to-morrow after he s been to the bank. I d rather not see him till then (Wearily) I want to be alone this evening quite by myself. (Falls into chair in front of fire, with half-closed eyes) Just a few minutes in this cosy chair, and I ll run away. (Peering into -fireplace) You do have the nicest fires ! (Touches her tearful eyes, and sniffles) STANHOPE What s wrong, girl? Nothing to worry about now. LOUISE ("yes" tears in the voice) Eric ! I ve been cross with him impatient un- 26 LOOK AFTER LOUISE grateful. He s unhappy, of course and I m so sorry ! STANHOPE (pleased) Good! LOUISE (ruefully) To be sorry for a man ? (Shakes her head) Bad! And the worst of it is no one s to blame: it just happens. STANHOPE (laughing it off) That s a mood! Your work s got on your nerves the Japanese room for Senator Spudds ! LOUISE That wasn t so hard but the Louis Quinze boudoir for Mrs. Spudds ! (Gesture of despair) And these shabby gloves (Extends hand which Stanhope pats platonically) and shabby hat and shabby shoes and all the dinners in shabby places for nearly two months (Joyously) But it s over, thank Heaven! and Spudds ! I m free of debt, obligation free of everything ! If I were a man I s pose I d c-c-cele- brate. STANHOPE Happily you re not so I ll call the car LOUISE (all alive) Yes? STANHOPE (continumg) Send you home and you ll snuggle into bed for a good, long sleep. And the moment you wake up, phone Eric come take you to (Enter Jamison, with tall vase of roses, which he places on table: then exits.) LOOK AFTER LOUISE 27 LOUISE O, you re expecting some one. (Rises) STANHOPE No! LOUISE (indicating flowers) They mean something! (Makes to go) STANHOPE (intervening "AVJ Not what you mean, and I rather dread dining alone to-night I was going out for dinner and a show. LOUISE O, but such a horrid night ! STANHOPE Yes. (Rings. To Jamison who enters) Jamison, any food in the house? JAMISON (deprecatingly) Quail, artichoke, endive, gervais and bar-le-duc and I m thinking some STANHOPE That ll do. (Dismissing him) LOUISE Rather ! STANHOPE And perhaps you ll feel like theatre, after a bit of food and rest. (Turns off some of the "electrics" titt the room is in the soft light of the lamps) LOUISE (with a purr of content) You do understand women, don t you? STANHOPE (shaking his head "no") I didn t understand Rhoda, 28 LOOK AFTER LOUISE LOUISE (piqued) O, if you re going 1 to talk about her (Makes as if to rise) STANHOPE (quickly) No, no I was only thinking how different you are LOUISE She s dark, and I m blonde. That s all. STANHOPE No ! You re frank simple direct. You re brave in your affections firm in your ideals. And you d hesitate a long time before you d hurt the man who s loved you. That s how* you re different from Rhoda delightfully different. That s why I envy Eric. (Crosses to phone) LOUISE Nonsense ! STANHOPE (lifts phone: calls) "Bryant 1346." LOUISE (with some anger) Eric s number! What for? (Jumps out of chair) STANHOPE (matter of fact) Tell him come to dinner. LOUISE (quickly) I m going. (Stanhope restrains her by arm. Louise seizes the phone out of his hand. Stanhope is evi dently pleased by her apparent surrender, pats her on the back.) (Louise talks) Hello ! Is that you, Eric? . . . No I m not at home! I m phoning from up-town, O, I don t know just where it s a drug-store, I believe . . . No, I won t be back in time for dinner you see how it s storming. I m LOOK AFTER LOUISE 29 on my way to my sister s . . . O, no, dear, don t call for me, such a dreadful night and they re all upset. They re packing going to the country early to-morrow and I may go with them, for a day or so. Yes, I am horribly seedy. Yes, I ll call you up if I go to say "good-bye" ! (Hangs up phone) That s over! (Sits at piano.) STANHOPE (sadly) Evidently. LOUISE (with -feeling) I can t help it! I m sorry, but I can t help it. I warned you both. I knew what would happen. STANHOPE But it s unreasonable, illogical, inconsistent in human ! LOUISE (nodding "yes") That s the woman of it ! (Plays softly) STANHOPE (slightingly) That may be true of a Peggy Deane ! or even a Rhod (Stops short, at reproving look from Louise. Sits by side, on piano bench) LOUISE (with mischief) We re all alike, except some have light hair, and some dark and some wear silk, some don t but "the Colonel s lady and Judy O Grady , sisters, under the skin" and always have been. That s how the trouble began. Adam was the gentleman who didn t understand and Satan was the bounder who did! Eve wouldn t have touched the apple, if Adam hadn t started to be nice and kind to her and fuss over her seeing she had enough to eat and pay rent and didn t get her feet wet. Satan 30 LOOK AFTER LOUISE didn t bother except for some airy persiflage about fruit-trees. That s what made her curious what he had up his sleeve. (The door-knocker sounds, in hall. Louise and Stanhope show annoyance, and promptly rise. Jamison enters with tray on which are two cock-tail glasses and the silver mixer.) [NOTE : When the play is presented m Prohibition communities, or to audiences of young people, the "cock-tail" of course, must be omitted; instead Jami son will serve, in stem-glasses, grape-fruit with sherry and maraschino.] STANHOPE Who knocked? JAMISON Boy from the theatre with seats. STANHOPE What row? JAMISON (innocently, as he pours cock-tails) I didn t look, sir I sent them back (As the wind howls, and windows rattle) Regular blizzard, sir and with your cold, I was thinking STANHOPE (dismissing him) All right! (Jamison exits) LOUISE (as she takes off her hat) Servants like Jamison just spoil you men for mar riage : he thinks of everything. CURTAIN BIG KATE A DIPLOMATIC TRAGEDY IN ONE ACT THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY CATHARINE II Empress of Russia NOEL VAUGHAN Lord Ribblesdale XENIA Princess Dashkoff CAPTAIN KHITEOFF of the Royal Guard VLAS BIG KATE The action passes in St. Petersburg, about 1780. The scene is a room in the Winter Palace, at St. Petersburg. The decorations and furniture are in the style of Louis XIV. At back, left, double doors open on corridor. At back, right, a large French window looks out on the Nevskii Prospekt, in a snow-covered landscape. On the back-drop, beyond, is seen the house of the British Embassy; in the which, toward the end of the action, lights appear. Down stage right, is a piano; left, a table. Near the French window is a screen. The time is late afternoon; the scene is lighted by many candles. At rise of curtain and for a few seconds before there is music, and the buzz of women s chatter. A number of court-ladies are concluding a lively minuet, led and directed by Catharine. Khitroff enters by door, right, followed by the servant, Vlas. VLAS (at door) Monsieur Vaughan. KHITROFF (to Catharine) Le maitre d Anglais CATHARINE (correcting) No! No! Ingleesh; spik alvays Ingleesh! So I learn queeck. BIG KATE PRINCESS DASHKOFF The teacher of English, Your Majesty. CATHARINE Admit the school-master. (Servant exits. Catha rine exits, followed by court-ladies, all laughing and chatting animatedly. Two or three of them linger, m curiosity, for a look at the "school-master." Khitroff, gruffly, makes to close the door, or draw the portieres, to hurry them off. Enter Vaughan; lie is notably good-looki/ng, tall, lithe and stalwart. His clothes are dark; of inexpensive stuff, but trim fit. He carries a school-boy s knap-sack, and a large umbrella. He is followed by the footman, with a silver tray on which are several school-books. The books intended for the use of Catharine are ele gantly bound. Servant, at nod from Khitroff, places tray on table at R. of stage; then, as he recrosses, makes to take Vaughan 9 s umbrella.) VAUGHAN (clutching it) No, thanks I might forget it. (Servant exits. Vaughan drops his great-coat on chair near screen; crosses to fireplace to warm his hands.) B-r-r! (Shudders.) KHITROFF (with decided accent) COLT? VAUGHAN Rather ! KHITROFF Got-damn ? VAUGHAN I shouldn t say that. BIG KATE 35 KHITROFF Engleesh ? All-right ? Not VAUGHAN Quite! Where d you learn all your English, Cap tain? You speak like a native. KHITROFF Two year I serve with Engleesh general Got-damn in Riga. Now I speak here alvays Engleesh with the Empress. VAUGHAN Her Majesty should learn quickly tween you and me. KHITROFF Got damn! (Servant re-enters with tray on which is a bottle of wine and two goblets; as he pours the wine Khitroff questions him by a look. Servant nods "yes," and indicates one of the goblets by tapping it with bottle. Vaughan, at fireplace, sees the play in the mantel-mirror. Khitroff , indicating the drink:) All right? VAUGHAN (assenting) Thanks. (Makes to lift one of the goblets) KHITROFF (intervening) Not! (Takes that one and hands tlie other to Vaughan) VAUGHAN (raising glass) Your health, Captain ! KHITROFF Yours Got-damn! (Makes to drink) VAUGHAN One moment (Takes Khitroff s goblet and gives his own instead) 36 BIG KATE KHITROFF (disconcerted) Why you change? VAUGHAN An old custom, in my country, to show there s no hard feeling. (Drinks) KHITROFF (angrily; under his breath) Got-damn! (Makes to throw goblet across the room.) You theenk ? (Towers above Vaughan threateningly) VAUGHAN (interrupting) No, no not you, Captain but that footman ; I mis trust he wants my umbrella. (The Princess Dash- hoff re-enters. She scarcely notices Vaughan, except for a slight nod which he answers with a deep bow. Khitroff eyes them closely, with obvious suspicion; then exits to corridor, back. Vaughan instantly makes to approach Xenia, eagerly, but she cautions him away with a gesture, and nods toward Khitroff. Catharine s voice heard off in laughter.) VAUGHAN Her Majesty s in good spirits to-day. PRINCESS DASHKOFF Very! and for the first time since Lanskoi s death. VAUGHAN That means a new favorite. PRINCESS DASHKOFF (assenting) Two ! (Holds up two fingers) VAUGHAN Two? Touching tribute to Lanskoi, who preceded them. She seemed inconsolable. Swore she was done with love. BIG KATE 37 PRINCESS DASHKOFF So she s taken a fancy to marry. VATJGHAN "Marry"? Good Lord! What a passion she has for novelty! PRINCESS DASHKOFF Talks of nothing else! Makes no secret of it, to the court that she s going to take a husband. VAUGHAN She s always been taking husbands ! PRINCESS DASHKOFF Yes, but this time, one of her own. VAUGHAN But what of Potemkin and her other ministers? They won t allow PRINCESS DASHKOFF "Allow" Catharine? They d be glad so long as- she marries some fool who won t interfere in matters of State. VAUGHAN At her age she s sure to pick a fool. PRINCESS DASHKOFF Khitroff for example? VAUGHAN Khitroff! That impudent, swaggering, uncouth ruffian ! with his bull-neck ! PEINCESS DASHKOFF (assenting) That may save you ! VAUGHAN (amazed) "Save me"? 38 BIG KATE PRINCESS DASHKOFF (nods "yes") If she takes Khitroff ! (Signals caution as Khitroff walks to and fro in corridor.) VAUGHAN You re not serious? PRINCESS DASHKOFF Tout-a-f ait ! She wants a husband and children twenty, she says. And unless something offers more to her taste, you or Khitroff get the ruby. (Taps her thumb) VAUGHAN (perplexed) "Get the ruby"? PRINCESS DASHKOFF Her thumb-ring with the square ruby. Her first gift, always, to the new favorite. (Wistfully) She s remarked your fine hand. VAUGHAN Good Lord! (Shoves right hand in pocket; stares blankly into space) PRINCESS DASHKOFF Of course, twill be only a left hand marriage. (Vaughan shoves left hand in pocket) Your chil dren won t inherit the crown. VAUGHAN (bewildered) Pinch me I m dreaming. PRINCESS DASHKOFF Wake up ! Cause you ll need all your wits to get out of this! VAUGHAN I ll get out now (Takes up his great-coat, as if to go) and you with me. BIG KATE 39 PRINCESS DASHKOFF We d never reach the palace gate together with Khitroff on guard. VAUGHAX And Khitroff knows that I m his rival? PRINCESS DASHKOFF Certainly ! VAUGHAX I see "Got-damn!" (Staggered) What on earth can she see in a school-master? PRINCESS DASHKOFF Novelty ! VAUGHAN But you know it s impossible ! ridiculous ! PRINCESS DASHKOFF O, I ve told her you were "ridiculous" ; (Laugh ing) that you were dull, stupid, awkward, cold blooded bookworm and that you d probably never yet made love to a woman. VAUGHAN That should cure her. PRINCESS DASHKOFF Contrary ! Only made her curious. VAUGHAN I see ! You over-did it. But wherever did she get the notion ? PRINCESS DASHKOFF Well, you have made love to her! VAUGHAN Everybody makes love to her. 40 BIG KATE PRINCESS DASHKOFF Yes, but you over-did it! I told you all along you were over-doing it. VAUGHAN I m playing for a big stake, and they advised, at the Embassy, a little flirting would help. PRINCESS DASHKOFF Then let the Embassy do it ! VATJGHAN Sir Charles was willing, but his wife wouldn t risk it with Catharine. PRINCESS DASHKOFF She s right! You English can t "flirt"! VAUGHAN I shouldn t say that (Takes her in Ms arms) PRINCESS DASHKOFF (continuing) Italians, Frenchmen, Russians, yes even a Cos sack, like Khitroff has the "touch." But an Eng lishman goes at it hammer-and-tongs (Vaughan kisses her) and keeps pounding at it (Vaughan kisses her again) as though his life depended on it and the woman s, too. (Same business) Any woman who doesn t know their ways would think he meant something by it even a Catharine! (Breathless between kisses) I know how you "flirt." (Breaks away, as Catharine s voice is heard off. Takes up a school book and pretends to be ab sorbed in it when Catharine re-enters; she is talk ing, pettingly, to three or four dogs Boriz or Wolf hounds which leap at the jewelled whip she cracks over them.) BIG KATE 41 CATHARINE ( to the dogs) Potemkin, be good ! Beg, Orloff implore ! (Caress ingly) Yes, yes, Lanskoi (Cracks whip) Down, Zuboff a-way ! weeth your dirty paws. (Gestures servant to take dogs. The dogs exit. Catharine calls after them) Be-have, Korsakoff! Poniatow- ski! Got-damn! (To Vaughan) My good dogs I name for my good friends. VAUGHAN Your Majesty rewards virtue. CATHARINE And I speek weeth them Ingleesh, so I learn queeck. My ministers weesh I speek only Ingleesh weeth the British Ambassador. Then he will never understan what I say. VAUGHAN No fault, I hope, of Your Majesty s school-master. CATHARINE No ! No ! You are all right ! (To Princess Dash- Jcoff) Not, Princess? PRINCESS DASHKOFF ( assents, with a shrug of derision) For school-master ! VAUGHAN Madame despises my calling? PRINCESS DASHKOFF ( snceriiigly ) I suppose one must live. CATHARINE But why are you school-master? VAUGHAN (with a wan smile and shrug) Because I am poor. 42 BIG KATE CATHARINE (reprovingly ) "Poor"? weeth your big six feet those fine, big hands and your two big eyes! You should be officer ! VAUGHAN In my country England to be officer, one must have fortune. CATHARINE ( with naivete) That could come over night, once you are officer. When Gregory Orloff enter my service he was the poorest Captain in the Guard. PRINCESS DASHKOFF (promptly) But the tallest. CATHARINE No ! Korsakoff was taller with his boots off. PRINCESS DASHKOFF (admiringly) And such a voice ! tenor ! VAUGHAN Alas! I m only barytone. CATHARINE (approvingly) Tis the bes for a man barytone. An go well weeth me. (Indicates her throat) VAUGHAN (quickly) But I scarcely know music. CATHARINE Like Lanskoi ! He did not know one note ! When I sing he could not turn the page of music. PRINCESS DASHKOFF (tearfully) But had only turned twenty years. (Touches her eyes) CATHARINE ( same business) Poor boy! (To Vaughan) And you? BIG KATE 43 VAUGHAN (quickly) Thirty ! Turning thirty and (slwws clean side of cuffs) my one pair of lace cuffs ! CATHARINE ( re-assuringly ) Like Poniatowski ! He come to Court weeth his wardrobe in handkerchief a lace ruff and three shirts. But just for that, we make him King of Poland. And Potemkin, we see him first in Ser geant s blouse; but we change that queeck, for the diamond cloak of Ispahan because he was brave and strong! Ees eet not so in your country? VAUGHAN Alas! Your Majesty, not since Queen Elizabeth! CATHARINE Ah, yes ! She have been for me example ; shie make the wish the am-beesh to be for Russia the "big Kate" like she for England the "large Lizzie"! (Gesture of all-embracing majesty) VAUGHAN Your Majesty has already surpassed her model. CATHARINE Tell us you are school-master her hair was red like mine? VAUGHAN From all accounts redder. CATHARINE (looks 171 TniTTOT ) Ta ta ta ! And she never marry? VAUGHAN We call her the "Virgin Queen." CATHARINE ( sighing ) Ah, poor woman ! She deserve better from her coun- 44 BIG KATE try. (Flaring) But there were fine men in Eng land! Could she not find some? Soldiers sailors? PRINCESS DASHKOFF ( Spitefully ) Or even a school-master? CATHARINE (rebuking) Madame ! (Pounds table and gestures her to go) VAUGHAN (entreating) Please! Your Majesty s defense of my calling touches me deeply and, though the Princess, I fear, is spilling the beans (bows to Princess and wmks) as we say in England yet I would not give my role of school-master for the crown of Poland the baton of Field-Marshal nor all the gems of Ispa han! To the school-master I owe the glory of standing in your presence. If Your Majesty will forgive my audacity (Catharine smiles "Yes") we ll begin at once "to love " (Takes lesson- book and ferule from knapsack) CATHARINE (disappointed) Oh ! (The Princess Dashkoff gives Catharine a les son book from the tray; takes one herself.) VAUGHAN (tapping book with ferule) Second conjugation (Reciting:) "I love Thou lovest He loves." (Looks to Catharine to begin) CATHARINE (to Princess Dashkoff) Begin ! PRINCESS DASHKOFF (she looks straight at Vaughan, while reciting; her voice and her eyes betray her:) "I love, Thou lovest. He loves" (This last rather to herself) "We love You love They lo " CATHARINE ( sharply ) But you do not look in the book! BIG KATE 45 PRINCESS DASHKOFF ( a trifle disconcerted ) I I was studying when Your Majesty came in. And besides, I ve already learned that. CATHARINE How you learn so more queeck as me? You have always the same lesson weeth me. (Flaring) Or maybe you have private lesson weeth Meester Vaughan ? PRINCESS DASHKOFF O, no, but Your Majesty forgets I was born in Lon don while my father was in the Embassy there. CATHARINE We were born in Germany, but You live in Lon don how much? VAUGHAN (correcting) "How long?" Your Majesty. PRINCESS DASHKOFF Some years. CATHARINE (insisting) How some? VAUGHAN (correcting) How many years, Your Maj CATHARINE (angry; stamps lier foot; beats table, with dog whip, whereupon Khitroff appears in corridor, back) No! no! no! she understan How many some years ? PRINCESS DASHKOFF Two nearly. CATHARINE ( as if quite enlightened) Oh ! Ten year we live in Germany (Suddenly flar- 46 BIG KATE ing) aber wir sprechen doch nicht Deutsch, wie sie jetzt Englisch sprechen Donnerwetter noch einmal! VAUGHAN (taps the lesson book, school-master fashion) English, Your Majesty, English! And please, please, ladies ! we re losing time. CATHARINE (reciting) "I love Thou lov st " VAUGHAN (correcting) "Thou lov-est " Your Majesty "Lov-est"! CATHARINE (with elaborate precision) "Thou IOV-EST ! Thou IOV-EST !" And you could ask that to a woman? "thou lov-est?" Nevaire! Nevaire! (Closes the book) Tees no langwage for love; tees a mis-fortune! "Thou lov-est!" PRINCESS DASHKOFF Not so bad, Your Majesty, as German! "Ick liebe dick Ick liebe dick." (Pounds bass notes, on piano, to illustrate.) CATHARINE (crossing to piano) Ah, but who will make German love, when you can say Italian? "T amo tanto, di tutto mio cuore da tutta mia via da tutta mia anima " (Plays a tune of passion) Or in French : (Swerves to tune of languor, tenderness) "Je t aime Je t aime avec toute mon ame du fond de mon cceur " etc. Or, best of all, Russian (Makes an elaborate expres sion of love, m Russian, accompanied by charac teristic music: strange, exotic, bacchanalian and all the time looking at Vaughan.) VAUGHAN (quite unconcerned) And "I love you" in Russian is all that? BIG KATE 47 CATHARINE "All that"? Tees only the beginning. VAUGHAN I ll be dead before the finish! I I mean I never could learn that. CATHARINE But, yes ! Say after us : "I love you," (in Russian) (Vaughan repeats the phrase, haltingly) (Khitroff, at door back, hears.) "More than life I love you." (In Russian) PRINCESS DASHKOFF That means: More than life, I love you. (Vaughan repeats the words. Khitroff looks on, in obvious rage.) CATHARINE (applauding) All right ! Ad-mir-able ! We must re-ward the good pupil. (Tries to remove ring -from her thumb to the consternation of Vaughan and Princess Dash- koff) (After tugging at the ring) Madame! (Ex tends her hand to Princess Dashkoff, who makes effort to remove ring) PRINCESS DASHKOFF (-faintly) I can t, Your Majesty. CATHARINE Khitroff is strong Call him. VAUGHAN (in some alarm) Your Majesty the will itself is reward beyond my wildest dreams or my deserts. I ve already for gotten the words. CATHARINE (to Princess Dashkoff) He must have practice. 48 BIG KATE PRINCESS DASHKOFF I ll see that he has proper books. CATHARINE "Books"? That take long! Here at court he learn queeck. We make him of the Guard ! Officer ! Like Khitroff ! All right? VAUGHAN (bowing) With my King s consent! CATHARINE We arrange, with George. Tees done ! You are in my service Sergeant Vaughan ! VAUGHAN (disconcerted) But Your Majesty (half kneels) CATHARINE Pardon ! Lieutenant Vaughan ! VAUGHAN (still kneeling) Impossible, Your Majesty! CATHARINE But why, Captain? (Vaughan rises abruptly, fear ing further promotion) VAUGHAN Such a post at Court requires a fortune. CATHARINE That will come, we tell you like weeth Orloff, Potemkin, YermolofF, Galitzin, Zoritch, PRINCESS DASHKOFF ( quickly in alarm) But they were soldiers, Your Majesty not moon- shees ! big, strong men like Khitroff. CATHARINE (nods toward Vaughan) He look big and strong. (Vaughan instantly stands limp and collapsed) BIG KATE 49 PRINCESS DASHKOFF But they could ride, shoot, lance fight, everything like Khitroff. CATHARINE He will learn in the Guard ride lance fight and everything. (Princess Dashkoff, convulsed with laughter at the idea, takes up Vaughans knapsack and umbrella, and goes through mockery of a Cos sack s attack on imaginary foe, using the umbrella as a lance, the knapsack for shield, with martial cries in French, Russian, English. Concludes with repeated thrusts at Vaughan, who falls back help lessly.) PRINCESS DASHKOFF ( as she thrusts:) I love, Captain! Thou lov st, Major He loves, General ! CATHARINE (in rage) Genug! Assez ! (Fires lesson book at Princess Dashkoff) Potz-tausend ! You make us ridicule? PRINCESS DASHKOFF ( sotto voce, to Catharine with audacity) He will! Your Majesty honors me with every con fidence I should fail in my duty if I did not warn against the peril of this caprice that "booby" in the Royal Guard with men like Khitroff! VAUGHAN The truth, alas ! I should cut a sorry figure gainst war-gods like Khitroff. Let me serve for a while abroad : prove my deserts to a place near Your Majesty; win my spurs on the battlefield ! CATHARINE But how? where? We have no war. 50 BIG KATE VAUGHAN We have England. CATHAEINE (assenting) In America weeth your countrymen? VAUGHAN Rebels, your Majesty! And till we make example of them, every crown of Europe is in peril. CATHARINE (rather to herself: troubled) Gott-in-Himmel ! (Takes a pinch of snuff) VAUGHAN Even Your Majesty s! CATHARINE Your King he tell me that and we should sell him ten thousand Cossacks to fight his rebels ; but what ever cousin George say, we (Completes sentence by snuffing, with thumb on nose and twiddling fingers.) VAUGHAN I shouldn t say that not in this instance, Your Majesty. For once, King George is right. Though I think he rather underrates the Yankees when he asks ten thousand Cossacks. I d want twice that. CATHARINE Twenty thousand Cossacks ! But the Yankees are only a handful! VAUGHAN So we find, Your Majesty; quite a handful. CATHARINE Greneral Washington, we hear, has, maybe 5,000 men. BIG KATE 51 VAUGHAX Yes, Your Majesty, but like Washington, they are Englishmen. CATHARINE Then why not send Englishmen to fight them? VAUGHAN We ve tried that, Your Majesty, but they re too soft-hearted for the job our "red-coats." CATHARINE You have the "red-skins," too! VAUGHAN (assenting) Several tribes, Your Majesty. But they re even softer-hearted than our soldiers. CATHARINE But they fight like defils the Injuns! VAUGHAN (dissenting) They ve been spoiled, Your Majesty, by civiliza tion. CATHARINE Thank God, we have none of that in Russia. VAUGHAN (promptly) That s why we want the Cossacks! At any cost, Your Majesty. The German Sovereigns offer their troops dirt cheap! The Graf von Braunschweig Herzog von Anhalt-Dessau Landgraf von Ans- pach-Baireuth. And we can buy whole herds of Hessians! CATHARINE Take those ! Why not? They fight good the Ger mans ! Good enough to kill your people in America. VAUGHAN Yes, Your Majesty, but our people in England dis- 52 BIG KATE like to favor the Germans. They ve a grudge gainst them. You see, our sovereign, King George, is a German (Saluting) God save him! CATHARINE Weeth my Cossacks? VAUGHAN (urging) The Yankees will run at sight of them like scared rabbits! The unrest of subjects such as already threatens in France will end. The crowns of Europe be secured for centuries to the ever-lasting glory of "Big Kate." To share in that achieve ment, Your Majesty, even as the humblest private, I d gladly lay down my life in America. CATHARINE (after a slight pause) But you would go there ? VAUGHAN (bowing assent) To hell! If it serve Your Majesty. CATHARINE At present, no ! To-morrow, maybe, I change my mind and give you Cossacks. (Rises) VAUGHAN Til to-morrow, I m in heaven. (Makes to go) CATHARINE Then, to-night, we make fete! Come! We go, in sleigh, to Tsarkoi-Salo. PRINCESS DASHKOFF (nods toward rattling windows) To the country palace in such a storm ! (Coughs) CATHARINE Tees bad for you, yes ! Remain here, We go, Cap tain! (Princess Dashkoff staggered: Vaughan smiles grimly) (Rings:) We have tea for make warm and en-route Tsarkoi-Salo! BIG KATE 53 VAUGHAN But, Your Majesty, my attire? CATHARINE To-morrow you have better when you wake up. (Servant enters with tea service of gold; serves the Empress and Princess Dashkoff. Then, at nod from Catharine, serves Vaughan, but from different tea- urn.) (Vaughan raises spoon to lips, but puts it down on a warning cough and glance from Princess Dashkoff. Servant watches them closely out of the corner of his eye. Khitroff, walking to arid fro in corridor, takes in the scene.) SERVANT (offering cream-pitcher) Creme, mi-lor? (Vaughan pretends not to notice: turns away) (Servant: more pointedly, as he offers lemon:) Citron, Mi-lor Ribblesdale? (Vaughan, startled for a second, recovers his poise and takes the slice of lemon. Princess Dashkoff, on contrary, utterly disconcerted, lets fall her cup.) CATHARINE (amazed) Mi-lor Ribblesdale! VAUGHAN (bowing) Your Majesty! CATHARINE The school-master is gentleman? VAUGHAN Sometimes happens in my country. CATHARINE But in MY country, gentleman does not make mas querade with his name! That is for chenapan escroc-coquin what you say in Ingleesh (Lost for the word) 54 BIG KATE VAUGHAN (prompting her) "Rogue," Your Majesty or "sharper"! But my name is really Noel Vaughan ; my title, Lord Rib- blesdale. CATHARINE (to Princess Dcishkoff) And you knew? (Points to cup on floor) But, of course, yes! Every one know! Khitroff and the servant, he know ! And the Court they know you make fool of me! PRINCESS DASHKOFF (protesting) Your Majesty ! CATHARINE (with increasing rage) One big damn fool! weeth your "book-worm" "moon-shee" "scharfskopf" "booby" ! Mais tou- jours votre amant! And always you make love under my eyes under my nose. PRINCESS DASHKOFF And under Your Majesty s orders! like Countess Bruce with Kersckoff Madame Panin with Lans- koi CATHARINE. (In a frenzy, seizes the dog whip, and approaches her. Vaughan steps between) Take off your (indicates waist) PRINCESS DASHKOFF (in tone of appeal) In God s name, Your Majesty! CATHARINE And you will bear the mark a year! PRINCESS DASHKOFF ( calmly ) Not one hour, Your Majesty ! For in less than that I d kill myself. CATHARINE ( calling ) Vlas! (The servant appears at door) BIG KATE 55 PEIXCESS DASHKOFF (beaten) No ! I will. (Servant withdraws, at gesture from Catharine) CATHARINE (with rising wrath) Na-ked yourself! (Princess Dashkoff looks to Vaughan, who makes to go. Catharine menacingly) No ! Remain ! Queeck ! PRINCESS DASHKOFF In his presence, no! CATHARINE Bah! Eet not the first time! In his presence you shall be whipped or before half the court like Countess Bruce! You prefer that? (Raps on table twice with the whip. Khitroff enters) Tout le monde! (Khitroff turns to summon the courtiers) PRINCESS DASHKOFF (imploringly) No, I implore Your Majesty! (Starts to unbutton waist) I will obey. Only let me (Makes to go into next room) CATHARINE. (Points to screen in front of French Win dow) There ! Since you are suddenly so modest. (Prin cess Dashkoff goes behind screen. Khitroff resumes his post in the corridor. Catharine sits at table and writes. Vaughan, unseen by her, takes the dog whip, pulls lash from handle and throws it in fire place. Catharine still writing) CATHARINE (to Princess Dashkoff) Make queeck toilette, madame ! You have long jour ney and you will start at once. PRINCESS DASHKOFF (from behind screen) Alone, Your Majesty? 56 BIG KATE CATHARINE Khitroff will arrange escort. VATTGHAN (to Catharine) It should include me! I am to blame for all this. CATHARINE Mi-lor Ribblesdale will leave Petersbourg to-night PRINCESS DASHKOFF (from behind screen) Adieu, Mi-lord ! (Another garment hung on screen) CATHARINE (continuing, in ominous tone) Or we give you Cossacks, in the morning! VAUGHAN (sotto voce, with fervor) Till then, at your service (as if about to embrace her) most wonderful adorable of women ! (Seizes her hand) Till to-morrow! Give me just those few moments of divinity and nothing else matters not life nor my immortal soul! CATHARINE (amazed) Thou lovest? VAUGHAN (rushing on) My one, poor excuse for the folly, the madness of this desperate trick ! (Picks up the school-book) But only that I might approach you be near you day after day and speak these words and hear you say: "I love Thou lovest We love You love over and over again from those glorious lips CATHARINE (drawing away slightly) But Lord Ribblesdale could speak what the school master VAUGHAN (breaking in) Vanity! mad desire, Kate my heart s caprice to win, in this humble guise, the glory of the gods! BIG KATE 57 To make prevail, gainst every odd of rank and splendour, the power of my passion. CATHARINE (impressed) Thou lov-est, like that? Got damn! VAUGHAN Tis only the beginning! CATHARINE And she there (points to screen) is nothing to you? VAUGHAN (with every show of sincerity) I love but one woman ! CATHARINE (warningly) Eef you have lie, Milor ! VAUGHAN Put me to the proof Any test you like. CATHARINE Bon ! The test of Khorsakoff and Countess Bruce ! (Calls) Captain! (Khitroff at door back enters) VAUGHAN (uneasy) But I don t understand ! CATHARINE (indicating the Princess) She understand! (to Khitroff, and pointing to screen) Debusquez! (Khitroff approaches screen.) VAUGHAN (intervening, quickly) Not while I live ! CATHARINE But she is nothing to you ! (Takes up the whip.) VAUGHAN A woman ! who must not be shamed unto death, be cause of me ! CATHARINE (enraged as she notes the broken whip: to Khitroff:) Achevez! (Khitroff makes to go behind screen. 58 BIG KATE Vaughan grips him, and in the struggle the screen is toppled over. The French window stands wide- open. On a chair are the Princess Dashkoff s gown and lingerie. From the NevsJci Prospekt comes the varied jingle of sleigh bells) KHITROFF Gone ! Your Majesty ! CATHARINE Where? How? KHITROFF (indicating open window) Jump! CATHARINE Good ! She freeze. Naked ! VAUGHAN No! She took my great-coat. KHITROFF (at window) See! CATHARINE (at window) Some one run through the snow! VAUGHAN One of the guards ! CATHARINE A woman ! The hair flies ! Tirez ! Khitroff ! (Ehit- roff draws pistol; aims) Queeck ! VAUGHAN (protesting) In the dark others may be struck ! CATHARINE (in hysteria of rage) Tuez! Tuez! VAUGHAN (warningly) Your Majesty! Have a care! Remember "Big Lizzie" ! She once had a woman killed, and never after dared sleep alone ! BIG KATE 59 CATHARINE That does not frighten us ! Shoot, Khitroff! (Khit roff aims pistol) VAUGHAN Captain! A woman! (With the crook of his um brella pulls back Khitroff s arm; the pistol falls from his hand) CATHARINE (picks Up th# pistol) Bah! (Fires twice; peers out) All right! She fall! No! I miss. Got-damn ! The dogs Khit roff ! (to Vaughan) They tear her to pieces. (Cath arine pulls a bell-cord, and deep-toned gongs ring through the corridors. Khitroff rushes to exit left; Vaughan bars his way, with sword which he draws from the umbrella-stick.) VAUGHAN No! (Khitroff re-crosses to go by window.) CATHARINE Bring her! KHITROFF (at window) No see! Yes (points) 1 Ambassade Anglaise! Elle a entree ! VAUGHAN Thank God! CATHARINE Drag her out ! (Khitroff exits) Dead or alive ! VAUGHAN Your Majesty! An English subject? CATHARINE (deriding) Princess Dashkoff? VAUGHAN Now Lady Ribblesdale ! 60 BIG KATE CATHARINE (beside her ~s elf ) Menteur! Tricheur ! Fourbe! (Makes to strike him. Vaughan seizes her hand and kisses it) VAUGHAN I shouldn t say that. Your Majesty not in this in stance. Last night at the Embassy I made her wife. CATHARINE ( portentously) To-night she be your widow ! (Calls) Vlas ! Vlas ! (Goes to door, right. An angry voice heard off, right, in colloquy with Vlas.) THE VOICE Now, I tell you and no damned nonsense! I de mand him now or hell to pay ! CATHARINE (with humor) Ingleesh Ambassador ! VLAS (at door) Sir Charles Williams ! CATHARINE What he demand? VLAS Mi-lor Ribblesdale. (A pause during which Cath arine glares at Vaughan) VAUGHAN (bowing deeply) With Your Majesty s leave? (makes to go, but Vlas bars his way and looks to Catharine for orders) CATHARINE (with gesture of dismissal) All right! (Vaughan exits, followed by Vlas.) (Catharine dazed by this, her first experience of a man s slight i/njuria spretae formae flashes with swiftly changing emotions: bewilderment, rage, pique, consternation, grief. She turns to the mantel-. BIG KATE 61 mirror, as if for explanation of the catastrophe. Peers into the glass with anxious scrutiny; smooths her brow, temples, the outer corner of her mouth, her neck, in search of tell-tale lines. Then from a t my rouge-box, set like a jewel in her bracelet, she "touehes-up" cheeks, lips y and pencils eye-brows; takes up a hand-mirror; surveys herself with evident content, humming a gay tune. Rings. Khitroff enters. He brings a coat of silver-fox which he starts to put on Catharine.) CATHARINE (declining) No. KHITROFF (with assurance) Yes! CATHARINE But why? I have not cold. KHITROFF Your Majesty go to Tsarkoi-Salo. CATHARINE (after a slight pause, during which she sur veys Khitroff approvingly) All right ! (Gets into coat and puts on gloves; fumbles with thumb of glove.) Bah! thees ring pre vent! (Extends hand to Khitroff, who kisses it rapturously, and then the other hand; squeezes both till Catharine winces in pain) Khitroff you hurt! KHITROFF (kissing her hand frantically) No! No! No! The ring hurt! (Pulls the ring roughly from Catharines thumb, throws it on table. He perches on corner of table, with impudent assur ance.) (Catharine takes up ring and starts to put it on Khitroff 9 s little finger) 62 BIG KATE KHITROFF (drawing away) No! CATHARINE (lightly) Till to-morrow. (Curtain begins to descend very slowly, almost imperceptibly) KHITROFF No! CATHARINE (with growing insistence) One year! (Khitroff shakes head "no") Two! (Same business) Five! (offers ring.) KHITROFF (with finality) No ! (Makes to go) CATHARINE (restraining him) Long as you live ! KHITROFF (with knowing smile) Like Lanskoi? Zavadovski? Zoritch? Yermoloff? They not live long! (Shakes head "no" and makes as if to leave her) CATHARINE Long as 7 live ! (Thrusts ring at him) KHITROFF Swear! (indicates the ikon, which she touches to her lips) All right ! (Lets her put ring on his lit tle finger) CATHARINE (tensely) Thou lov-est? KHITROFF (-fiercely) Yes! CATHARINE Swear, Khitroff! (Khitroff swears in Russian) Ingleesh ! Swear, Ingleesh ! BIG KATE 63 KHITEOFF (-fervently) Got-damn ! CATHARINE More ! (Holds up hand in gesture of oath) KHITROFF (assenting) At Tsarkoi Salo ! Come ! (Takes her by the arm and turns to exit, quickly as CURTAIN THE REAL PEOPLE A SAWDUST TRAGEDY IX ONE ACT THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY MAM SELLE TONI A Bare-back Rider FEATHERS The Clown CAPTAIN SAUNDERS, Proprietor and Ring-master of "Saunders Circus." THE CALL-BOY THE REAL PEOPLE THE SCENE A dressing-room in a small tent that opens on the main tent of a travelling circus. At right and left of proscenium, a placard as in a vaudeville-theatre reads: "FEATHER S," Caruso of Clowns and Napoleon of Animal Trainers. At rise of curtain and a few seconds before one hears, off, and rather -faint, the characteristic hand- organ of the side-shows; and the barkers cries: "Lemonade Ice Cold Lemonade. " "Peanuts Hot Roasted Peanuts" "Don t fail to see the Fat Lady" "This way, Ladies and Gentlemen " etc., etc. Above these noises which soften as curtain ascends, is heard the clown s voice, in a typical song. At rise of curtain Mademoiselle Toni, a bareback rider, in the usual tulle skirts and pink fleshings, is practising her knife "stunt"; throws the blades at a target at opposite side of stage, while she bobs on a spring-board as if on a moving horse. 68 THE REAL PEOPLE CALL-BOY S VOICE (at right) Mam selle Toni! TONI Yes! CALL-BOY S VOICE Note for you. (Puts note through tent flap) TONI (talcing note) Thanks ! (Looks at envelope. Starts to open it; changes her mind as Feathers 9 voice draws near) No answer. (Hands note through flap) CALL-BOY (insisting) It s from Box A. TONI Take it back ! (Feathers, in grotesque costume and "make-up," enters from show tent, half turned from audience. He is singing last line or two of a rollick ing clown s song:) FEATHERS "And so you see, I dare not be As funny as I can !" (From the show tent one hears applause and laugh ter. As Feathers turns front his expression changes, suddenly, from gayety to mingled rage and anxiety) He s here again in Box A. (Points off) TONI (evasively) He must like the show! FEATHERS (ruefully) Tisn t the show he comes for! THE REAL PEOPLE 69 TONI (cajolingly) Now, now, Feathers don t be silly ! Or we ll scrap ! (Adjusts his big bow.) FEATHERS You ll not dine with him? TOXI Has he asked me? FEATHERS I saw the call-boy bring a note. TOXI I didn t read it ! FEATHERS (reproachfully) And wasn t going to tell me bout it ! TONI You d only "fuss up" ! And your animals would feel it. They did last night. Moment you saw "Diamond Joe," in front you lost your control and one of em flew at you! FEATHERS That silly beast, Sultana ! But she only meant to warn me. (With growing somberness) They know when trouble s brewing quicker than we do. TOXI (to cheer him up) Now, look at you! (Holds a hand mirror be-fore him) Face as long as a Chinaman s funeral and they ve paid out there to laugh their heads off. FEATHERS (bucking up) So they shall! And split their sides (tragically,) though my heart breaks. (Makes to exit) TOXI (intervening) You frighten me ! What is it ? 70 THE REAL PEOPLE FEATHERS I can t tell you! TONI You must! FEATHERS I don t know cept for talk mong the people, bout the Boss and his friend some devil s game they re up to with this supper party. Don t go, Toni. TONI Course not if you feel that way! But what ll I say to the Boss? FEATHERS That you won t go ! TONI He ll make me! FEATHERS How? TONI (hopelessly) Ah! (Turns away) FEATHERS (with quiet vehemence) Promise you won t go and I promise he won t make you! TONI (with spirit) Now, you ll not quarrel over me and lose your job. FEATHERS They can take my job, but they shan t take you! (Picks up one of the juggling knives) TONI (takes it from him) Why d you stop that knife, last night? FEATHERS It was goin straight to Box A! THE REAL PEOPLE 71 TOXI (throws the knife) Straight as that ! And you jumped for it! FEATHEKS Good God! you didn t mean ? TOXI (derisively) No ! It was an "accident" ! It s happened before in other shows. Can happen again to-night ! And we d been rid of the beast. (A gong rings in the main-tent) (Saunders enters from main-tent. He is in sputtering rage) SAUXDERS (to Feathers) Why d you leave the ring before the gong? Cut half your song? FEATHERS (confused) II SAUXDERS Get out there where you b long! (Lashes at him) (Toni moves to intervene.) FEATHERS (seizes the whip) You re gettin careless with that whip, Captain specially when she s ridin ! Every time, I notice, you land on her TOXI (quickly, in alarm) But he don t mean to ! SAUXDERS (mockingly) Oh, no ! Of course not ! FEATHERS Then quit it ! It worries me. SAUXDERS (with burst of laughter) Why, Feathers, you re actually funny ! You make me laugh (bitingly) and that s more than you ve done with the Reub s lately I began to wonder 72 THE REAL PEOPLE where you got your reputation! (Laughing:) Been holdin out on me, eh? Well, go to it, now and (Imitating Feathers song:) "Let em see You dare to be As funny as you can!" FEATHERS I can t be funny, Saunders, while you re so gay with that lash. It worries me. SAUNDERS (with elaborate cajolery) Well, we can t have you worried, Feathers ! A worried clown ain t worth his feed, in my show. (Re takes the whip) So I ll quit it. FEATHERS ( portentously ) Good idea! (Makes to exit) SAUNDERS And you ll quit too! After the show. (Feathers exits) Why didn t you answer my friend s note? TONI I did. SAUNDERS You sent it back unopened. (Shows note) TONI (nodding "Yes") That was my answer! SAUNDERS (lashes her) There s mine! TONI (winces and draws away) You ve no right to do that! SAUNDERS (following up) Since when no right to make my cattle behave? THE REAL PEOPLE 73 TOXI (rubbing the hurt) That s no way. SAUXDERS It s the way in Saunders Circus TOXI Well, it isn t being done, now-a-days. SAUXDERS That s how I made you! What was you when I took you? You forget that? TOXI Oh, no! You ve told me too often; a frowsy- haired, spindle-shanked ragamuffin, street-dancin with a gyp-show. SAUXDERS And when you didn t earn enough beat black-and- blue by your Romany dad. TOXI (nodding "Yes") But he was my dad. SAUXDERS Till the police got busy! Then he sold you to me, for a calico pony and a Persian goat. That s how you started. TOXI Well, I guess you was no Barnum-Bailey when you started. SAUXDERS (threatens to choke her) If you weren t going out to dinner I d TOXI Don t let that stop you cause I m not going! I promised Feathers. (Draws away) 74 THE REAL PEOPLE SAUNDERS (explosively) "Feathers"? (Follows her up) See here you in love with him? TONI (evasively) We re good pals. SAUNDERS (laughing derisively) In love with a chalk-face! TONI (indicating applause in show-tent) He s the whole show with his trained animals. SAUNDERS (some geese are led by at back) There they go ! his "trained animals" ! A pair of geese! / train lions. TONI Any -fool can train lions, cause lions have sense. But it takes a great man to train a goose. SAUNDERS Well, he s trained you, sure enough. TONI (assenting) With kindness affection things I ve never had from you, Mr. Saunders ! From the time I was a kid, in your circus I ve known only the whip-and- tongue-lash. (Cries softly) SAUNDERS You any worse for it? TONI You are! Much worse! When you strike me you hurt only my body. But with every blow you hurt your own soul, and manhood until you ve made yourself so like the cruel, wild beasts in the cages that they feel you re one of their own kind and no longer fear you. That s why you quit taming "big cats." THE REAL PEOPLE 75 SAUNDERS (strikes her on mouth with back of hand) Stow that Billingsgate ! You know it don t go in Saunders Circus. You got to be ladies arid gents in the ring and out. (She cries softly) Don t try to whimper out of it ! (Cracks whip at her) Answer that ! (Opens the note and hands it to her.) TONI (after glance at note, tosses it aside) ("No") Not to-night ! I ain t hungry SAUNDERS Is that all? TONI No! / hate him hate his grin every time I ride past his box. It rattles me and my horse, too! Couldn t dance a step last night! And my knife stunt you saw what happened only for Feathers ! Your friend better sit where I can t see him. There might be an accident, some night ! SAUNDERS Your last chance, to-night ! TONI (overjoyed) I m to quit? SAUNDERS (with mock pathos) We all quit to-night. I ve been runnin the show on borrowed money, since we took to the road. You know what we ve been up against rain every day cept Sundays. No circus ever struck such weather since Noah s time! Diamond Joe took a likin to your act an kept the show goin just so he could see you ride TONI (regretfully) O, was that it? 76 THE REAL PEOPLE SAUNDERS (re-assuringly) What you think it was you bone-rack? TONI I thought, maybe SAUNDERS And for that, you d let the sheriff get us and all these poor devils out of work? Fine pal, you are! TONI Oh, of course, if you put it that way! (She sits at dressing-table; starts to write puts down pen:) You just tell him I ll eat with him. SATJNDERS Do it like a lady ! (Puts pen in her hand dictates:) "Dear Joe" TONI (as she writes) "Dear Sir Yours received All right Pll be there Toni Saunders " (Turns the letter-page and continues writing; makes to put note in envelope.) SAUNDERS Let s see. (Takes letter, reads first part silently, then turns page, as she did; reads:) "I ll bring my friend Feathers to the party." (Extends the letter) Tear that off! TONI (refusing the letter) No. SAUNDERS I ll save you the trouble. (Tears off the page) TONI Then I ll not send it. SAUNDERS I ll save you that trouble, too. (Puts sheet in envelope, makes to exit) THE REAL PEOPLE 77 TONI (approaches him, quickly) What you going to do? SAUNDERS Give it to Joe. TONI (pleadingly) Please don t ! cause I shan t dine with him alone ! SAUNDERS I ll be there! TONI Then why not Feathers? SAUNDERS He s too worried for a wedding-party. TONI Whose? SAUNDERS Yours in Joe s room. TONI (bewildered) What you up to? SAUNDERS You re going to marry him to-night. TONI (in panic) No! (Looks about for some way to escape) SAUNDERS (indicating note) You fixed it, yourself! TONI I won t go! (Grabs letter from Sounders; starts to tear it to pieces) SAUNDERS (as he grabs her by the throat) You little cat! Give it! (Chokes her till she drops note. For a while she stares at him with ominous calm. Puts her hand to throat, as if m pain, swal lows hard) 78 THE REAL PEOPLE TONI (coldly, indicating throat) Does it leave a mark, Mr. Saunders? SAUNDERS (turning away) Ask Feathers. He s off in a minute. TONI (matter-of-fact tone) He ll kill you! (Goes to mirror so as better to see the marks) SAUNDERS (derisively) "Kill me"? TONI (coldly) I believe he d kill you if he saw this. (Covers the mark with her hand) SAUNDERS Well, to make sure, show him that. (Lashes her cross shoulders) TONI (takes up a juggling-knife from dressing-table) Yes but first I ll show him that! (Like a flash she turns and stabs him) (Saunders gasps, totters back to the tent-pole, against which he leans un steadily. Feathers enters from main-tent. He is in rollicking laughter, or else concluding a comic song. After final bow to the circus audience he turns quickly to see Toni leaning, faint, 9 gainst the dress ing-table; his tone changes suddenly from gayety to panic) FEATHERS (aghast) What is it? TONI (breathless) He struck me FEATHERS (makes to attack Saunders) By God, then I ll THE REAL PEOPLE 79 TONI (intervening) No ! (Knife falls from her hand) FEATHERS (taking up the knife) That s my work, Toni! TONI (restraining him) I ve done it, for you. SAUNDERS (gaspingly) And you ve done for me but you ll pay for it! TONI (smiling; joyous, ecstatic) I mean to! I want to hang for it so Feathers shouldn t! (Throws her arms about him, gingerly. Feathers kisses her violently) Placard, at right and left of proscenium, is replaced by card reading: M L L E. TONI and HER DANCING HORSE, TIPTOE. CALL-BOY (heard off, in sing-song) Mam selle Toni Mam selle Toni! (Feathers still kissing her) SAUNDERS (angrily) Your turn! CALL-BOY (at entrance) Props, mam selle ! (Feathers starts to hand two or three tissue-covered hoops through the flap) TONI (intervenes quickly) (To Call-Boy) Right-O! (To Feathers) They mustn t see you here. (Hands the hoops to the C all-Boy) 80 THE REAL PEOPLE SAUNDERS (gasps family, in an effort to call help) Boy ! Boy ! (Feathers silences him by putting hand over mouth) CALL-BOY S VOICE Knives, Mam selle. TONI O, yes knives. (Saunders gestures "No") I I want em to-night (Hands them to Call-Boy) A VOICE, OFF (announcing through megaphone) Nex number on the program: "Mam selle Toni, and her famous dancing horse, Tiptoe." (Music: "Fox Trot Medley. 99 ) CALL-BOY S VOICE Your music cue, Mam selle. TONI Right-O! (Half -fainting, staggers toward exit) FEATHERS (arm about her) You can t ride you can t (All the time kissing her) SAUNDERS (with a gesture of command makes to in tervene. To Toni:) Go on ! Your duty to the public ! (Totters weakly toward exit) TONI (insisting to Feathers who restrains her) Yes let me go let me FEATHERS You d fall hurt yourself ! Wait ! (Pushes Saun ders back.) (Feathers shows himself at entrance to main-tent. He is greeted with applause and shouts of "Feathers!" "Bravo!" He shakes his head "No," and gestures silence. Calls off) Stop the music ! There s been an accident (Music ceases) (To audi- THE REAL PEOPLE 81 ence:) Ladies and gentlemen Mam selle Toni and her famous dancing horse will not appear to-night! An accident! You ll get your money back at the ticket-wagon. (Saunders topples to the ground) The performance is over! (Collapses in tears) (Turns to Toni) Now for Diamond Joe! (Makes to exit: halts) Here he comes! (Draws pistol: cocks it as he exits) TONI (joyously) Good ! Kill him ! (Drops into a chair, at dressing- table; buries head in arms. Enter back, or left, the C all-Boy a negro, very black. He comes on briskly, singing Feathers verses: "So you see, I dare not be, 19 etc. He carries on upraised hand a tray on which are several covered dishes, glass of celery, plates, and conspicuous, a bridal bouquet. He stumbles on a tent-peg, and the dishes fly noisily in all directions. On the noise Feathers re-enters. Saunders jumps to his -feet. Note: From this point on, to the conclusion of Act, tlie players address one another by their real names.) FEATHERS (angrily) What s that? CALL-BOY (frightened. Puts on table, from his pockets, several tissue-covered sandwiches, apples, etc.) Accident! There s been an accident! (Exits quickly) SAUNDERS (taking up the bridal bouquet) Lunch I had sent in. FEATHERS (angrily) You wouldn t eat now? 82 THE REAL PEOPLE SAUNDERS (eyeing wreck on floor) We re not in your scene with Diamond Joe and my wife s rather faint (Hands her box of chocolates) FEATHERS (staggered) Your wife? not really? TONI (timidly) We re married. (Shows the bridal bouquet) FEATHERS When I engaged you, you said you were only engaged. SAUNDERS Her parents opposed our engagement TONI Think I m too young SAUNDERS So we got married, this morning. FEATHERS I knew something was wrong from your acting. SAUNDERS Not hers ! FEATHERS O, I could do something with her! But you! (Ges ture of hopelessness) TONI (flaring) He s splendid! FEATHERS Not for vaudeville. (Takes a sandwich) SAUNDERS (piqued) What s the matter with me? Mr. . . . (Name of actor. Feathers can t answer with his mouthful of food. Louder:) What s wrong with me? THE REAL PEOPLE 83 FEATHERS (after swallowing hard) You ain t brutal enough! TOXI (staggered) Not "brutal enough!" FEATHERS Not for vaudeville ! (Indicating audience) You want those people out there to sympathize with you weep over you ! Show em you re scared of Saun- ders (His fist under her nose) that he s got you cowed ! TONI So he has ! Cowed bullied, buffaloed and all the rest of the male brutes ! FEATHERS You didn t show it ! And you got to show it ! (To audience) Don t you got to show you? (To Saun- ders, very gently and softly) Growl and bark at her! (Takes another sandwich) The way you purred, they d know she s your wife ! TONI (under her breath) Scarcely ! FEATHERS And where s the blood from the stab? (Jabs Saun- ders* shirt bosom) SAUNDERS (disconcerted) I I thought the audience would imagine FEATHERS (impatient) Say! Whenever a vaudeville audience has to imagine things you ll have to imagine the audience. Show em! (Takes up a can of red paint and makes to mark the "stab" on Saunders) 84 THE REAL PEOPLE TONI (intervening, in alarm) Please, Mr. . . . (Blank) I m to blame I asked my husband not to It made me sort o (Hand on stomach) faint and I thought we could omit the (half -whisper) blood at least while we re playing New York. FEATHEKS (confidential, but intense) When you re playing New York New Haven New Zealand or Newark you re playing "in Mis souri" ! And you got to show em Don t you never read the critics? "Cut out the red paint"! Why, that s the best thing I wrote! TONI Yes, and it s very powerful; but some ladies can t stand it makes them deathly ill FEATHERS That s what I figger on! That s my punch! (In dicating audience) They re not your Fifth Avenue lah-de-dahs with lemon-meringues for brains : and none o your blazay Broadway first-nighters, with porter-house steaks for hearts ! They re the real people out there : the worried, tired business-man w ot the critics write about; the poor, over worked house-wife, with a raft o kids at home to look after. They come here for their romance and to forget the dull grind of business and house work. And you ll see em comin day after day the same people every matinee and again at night upstairs. But they want real dray-ma! not fak ing ( To Toni) like that back-fall of his! (To Saunders, who is rubbing back of his head) You just flopped! (Imitates, limply) THE REAL PEOPLE 85 TONI Good Lord! I heard his poor head bump! FEATHERS (indicates audience) But they got to hear it bump ! (To Saunders) They ll want to hear it crack if you treat her right way I m tellin you. (Indicating audience) Those people got hearts witals ! (To Toni) You ll get an encore when you kill him! cause that s life! I ve saw the biggest stars leave em cold with bunk: Mrs. Fiske with that Ibsen sex stuff Arnold Daly and his Shaw piffle Richard Bennett with Mr. Brieux s "Damaged Spine" and locomotor-ataxia ! Why, they sat out there like they had it or was doped ! (Changes to cheery tone) And five minutes later, an animal act ! and they crying their eyes out over a dog in a night-cap singing a sick pup to sleep. (Plaintively, to Saunders) Now, why can t you do it? SAUNDERS (rather peeved, offers "role") You play my part ! FEATHERS Good idea! TOXI (offering her role) Here s another play mine! SAUXDERS (in alarm) No, no! We ll try the scene again, dear more "brutal"? FEATHERS Yes, specially with that whip! (Cracks the whip) TOXI (rubbing the lash marks) Perhaps you d like it better if he used a club on me 86 THE REAL PEOPLE (Through tears of weariness) or a tent-stake. (Kicks one at him) FEATHERS Good idea. (Picks up the stake. Stamps toward Toni, fiercely:) Fly at her! Roar! Beat her down! Drive her back! Like that (Stamps, and raises stake at Toni) and that and that! (Toni doesn t stir; quite unmoved, goes on munching chocolates. Feathers triumphant:) There! Para lyzed with fear ! Your wife s got a heart ! TONI (in sudden rage and rather hysteric; she beats him down with each sentence:) You haven t! Or if you have, it s sawdust not flesh-and-blood ! Or you wouldn t always find fault with my husband nag him insult him eat his lunch and ask him to crack his skull. Well, he shan t do it! And if you can t "show" an audience without that sort of thing, crack your own skull! And when you kiss me, you ll please kiss me on the cheek! FEATHERS (jumping m) "Cheek"? TONI (ditto) Yes, and once only once! SAUNDERS (ditto) Quite enough! FEATHERS (ditto) Not for the "tired business man." TONI (quite beside herself) If you think you can kiss me all over the place day I m married you try it ! Just you try it ! And I ll show the audience, how cowed I am and bullied THE REAL PEOPLE 87 and paralyzed. And I ll show you, Mr. . . . (Blank) that you re rehearsing a couple of artists not a pair of geese ! (Bursts out crying) FEATHERS (beaming triumphantly. To audience) See the difference? when she s really frightened? (To Toni) Try it with him ! And forget he s your husband. TONI (angrily, through her tears) Not for vaudeville. (Begins to put on street clothes) SATINDERS There! The poor girl s all un-nerved fagged out. No more now. We re going out to eat. FEATHERS (with elaborate resignation, sandwich in one hand, celery in the other.) Go as far as you like ! SAUNDERS Won t you join us? (Takes up hat and coat) TONI I m sure you must be starved! FEATHERS (protesting through a mouthful) I ll peck at this. (Takes up apple from floor) I can t eat during rehearsals. TONI (fetches box of chocolates from dressing-table, offers them) FEATHERS (looking at her) Chocolates? TONI (nodding "Yes") They ll keep you going till you can eat. FEATHERS Good idea! (Empties all the chocolates into his cap and returns her the box) 88 THE REAL PEOPLE TONI (taking the hint) Are we to come back after lunch? FEATHERS ( gestures "No") Not if you re still married! TONI What! FEATHERS Stead of lunch get a divorce! TONI AND SAUNDERS Not for vaudeville. (They exit quickly. The Call- Boy enters from back: gathers up the lunch dishes, all the while laughing vociferously:) FEATHERS What you laughing at? CALL-BOY (through guffaws) You-ah play, boss. Ah-ve been listenin an ah mos bus mah sides laughin It shuah am too funny ! FEATHERS (in temper) "Too funny? 9 You (Picks up vase to throw) CALL-BOY (quickly) (stammering) N n not for vaudeville ! CURTAIN AREN T THEY WONDERS? A HOLIDAY TRAGEDY IN ONE ACT THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY FELIX TORREY MRS. TORREY Miss KAYE TOM FARREN AREN T THEY WONDERS? The seem is the office of Felix Torrey, Architect and Builder. A well-appointed room with furniture of mahogany or antique oak; dark rugs on the parquet- floor; on the walls pictures of famous structures the Colosseum, Pantheon, Milan Cathedral, etc., and archi tect s drawings of bridges. A door, at back, opens on the corridor of an office building; door at right leads to Tom Farren s room; door at left to Miss Kaye s. Down stage, right, a window, with hangings, looks down on the street. At rise of curtain, Felix Torrey is seated at desk, center, occupied with architect s blue prints. He is a man of about forty, of medium height, powerful build; the face, though rather heavy, indi cates strong, determined, self -reliant character. His manner and bearing add to that impression; and, alto gether, Torrey looks the man quite able to hold his own in life. TORREY (calling) Farren ! (Looks toward door at right. Louder) Tom ! (Rises, touches push-button on wall, crosses to door right, and looks in. Miss Kaye enters, from left. She is a girl of wholesome prettiness; reddish hair, irregular features, peach- and- ere am coloring. She is dressed simply, of course; but her 92 AREN T THEY WONDERS? skirt hangs well, her jacket fits trimly, and her shoes, too. Her appearance suggests "pertness" that her manner and -fashion of speech quickly deny) MISS KAYE You rang, Mr. Torrey? TORREY Yes, Miss Kaye. I want those other bridge-plans. Where s Mr. Farren? MISS KAYE (as she fetches them from filing-cabinet) He s stepped out for a moment, to the phone-booth. TORREY (quizzically) Why? Aren t our phones working? MISS KAYE It was an outside call, Mr. Torrey. They sent up for him. TORREY Yes ! (Slightly annoyed) But that s the second time in half an hour. I m afraid our Mr. Farren is getting too popular with the ladies. MISS KAYE (impersonally) It s the holiday-season, sir. TORREY Yes that may account for his preoccupations, lately. Eh? MISS KAYE Yes, sir. TORREY (looking at blue-print) Clever fellow Farren. Will get on if he gets hold of the right girl. (Takes letter from her) MISS KAYE Other way about, sir the letter ! (She turns it) AREN T THEY WONDERS? 93 TORREY ( with double meaning) Yes I did have it upside down. (Miss Kaye crosses to exit left, as Farren enters, back. Farren is a good-looking youth, in the early twenties, cheery, buoyant, but in no degree bumptious. Despite the inherent tragedy of the story, he does not bear him self as if he were consumed by a gnawing sense of sin, nor bending under a burden of secret woe. Which suggestion is added for the guidance of the actor of the role.) TORREY (calling) Miss Kaye, have them phone Mrs. Torrey and put me on here. (Miss Kaye exits. Torrey, to Farren, quizzically) Will you be free, now, for a while? FARREN (catching his meaning) Well I I ve a slight cold, Mr. Torrey and I went out for some some aspirin. TORREY (dryly) Yes, but that s the second dose this morning. You should take that kind of dope in water not by tele phone. It can lead to heart-trouble. (Goes right on, in same tone) I want you to compare these blue-prints. I m taking them to New York. I ex pect to close that bridge-contract. If I do, there ll be double work here for all of us and double salary for you. FARREN Gee whiz ! That s ripping of you ! TORREY Then you rip off a few phone-calls and part of your dance-programmes, and a few courses out of your two-hour lunches like yesterday. 94 AREN T THEY WONDERS? FARREN Yes that did happen a couple of times lately. But, usually, Mr. Torrey, I m right here ! TORREY Indeed you re not here even when you are! (Pats him on the back) You re away off somewhere gathering wool on the seashore, or picking peaches in tea-gardens. Why, I ve caught you mooning over the ground-plan of an oil-tank as though it were her portrait ! Cut it, boy ! I want to feel that you know this office from A to Z in case we lose Miss Kaye! FARREN (alert) Why? Will she be leaving? TORREY Why, of course! You don t suppose that corking girl was meant to stick here? Get the run of things so when she goes we won t miss her too much ! (Farren cuts a wry face, which Torrey notes out the corner of his eye.) (Miss Kaye re-enters from left; she brings a number of typewritten letter- sheets, and several large filing-envelopes) MISS KAYE (placing letter-sheets before Torrey) They re ready to sign. (Makes to cross to filing- case, right) FARREN (intervening alertly) I ll file those, Miss Kaye. MISS KAYE Thank you. (She hands him the envelopes, one by one, which he puts into various drawers of the filing- case. Torrey is signing letters) AREN T THEY WONDERS? 95 TOR KEY (to Miss Kaye) Did you get Mrs. Torrey? MISS KAYE No, sir. Mrs. Torrey s lying down, they said and couldn t answer! TORREY Tell em 7 want her. MISS KAYE I did, but the maid said Mrs. Torrey has a head ache and gave orders not to disturb her. TORREY Well, then, leave the message with the maid to tell Mrs. Torrey later that we leave for New York on the four o clock train not the five. (Miss Kaye crosses to exit when enter Mrs. Torrey. She is approaching thirty in years, but has never left twenty in looks slight of figure, delicate in feature; coloring that of the Lily-Maid-of-Astolat done in porcelain. She is careless, heartless, soulless, utterly; but none-the-less delightful. She is dressed so well that one would scarcely notice how well; being one of the women who lead the fashions she doesn t follow them. She bursts in, excited, breath less, faint; closes the door with a bang, leans with her back against it, as if barring some one out. Half- whispers her husband s name) What is it, child? What s happened? (Leads her to chair still very faint) MRS. TORREY (gasping) Nothing! Wait I m so frightened! (Looks toward door. Torrey makes to go to door. Mrs. Torrey protesting and restraining him) No, no ! Let him 96 AREN T THEY WONDERS? be! It s all right now. (Holds his hand to her cheek) TORREY Who? Who was it? MES. TORREY I don t know! Some brute tried to speak to me! Followed me ever since I ve been out. TORREY (bewildered) But they phoned just now you were home lying down bad headache. MRS. TORREY (for an instant disconcerted) Well I I thought a walk would help me the crisp, cold air. (Puts hands over eyes) Now it s worse than ever! (Appears about to faint) TORREY (in alarm) Vera, dear! MISS KAYE (going to water-cooler) Some water (Offers glass to Torrey) Dash this in her face. MRS. TORREY (instantly quite herself) Don t ! (Resumes faintness) Isn t necessary. MISS KAYE (looks rather than says) I thought so ! (Turns glass to show it is empty) TORREY But you shouldn t have come out MRS. TORREY (plaintively) Don t scold me, please ! I had to go to Bailey s the jewelers, for something. TORREY Why didn t you phone? They d have sent it home. MRS. TORREY I was afraid they wouldn t in time before we left. AREN T THEY WONDERS? 97 And I wanted you to have it to-day your New Years present. (Hands him a small packet, which he places on table) I wouldn t have come out but for that ! And who d think he d dare on the street broad daylight that beast ! TORREY (distressed) You should have jumped into a taxi or called an officer ! MRS. TORREY And make a street-scene? I thought, of course, he d turn away, but when I got to the building there he was at my heels followed me in got in the elevator and off at this floor! (Torrey starts for the door; she stops him) No, please, don t have a scene. I couldn t stand it. Call a taxi send me home. TORREY I ll take you! (Puts on overcoat) MRS. TORREY No! Don t leave your work break up your day (Glances at Farren) One of the clerks will do MISS KAYE (jumping in) I ll see Mrs. Torrey to the door. TORREY No ! Thank you. (Makes ready to go. To Miss Kaye) And in case I m not back to-day send these prints to New York special delivery. They must have them at once. And, Farren, you come along for any further instructions. (Miss Kaye exits left. Farren opens the door, waits for Torrey and Mrs. Torrey to precede. As Mrs. Torrey is about to step out, she starts back, in a panic) 98 AREN T THEY WONDERS? MKS. TORREY There he is waiting! (Farren makes to rush out, but Torrey pushes him back) TORREY Stay here with Mrs. Torrey till I come back. (Exits quickly. Farren remains near door, which he holds slightly open. Instantly there is a turmoil in the corridor, loud voices, etc.) (Farren opens the door wide and makes to exit) MRS. TORREY (stopping him) No ! Close the door ! FARREN (still at door) Your husband sent him sprawling! (The turmoil in corridor increases: cries of "Police!" etc.) MRS. TORREY Shut the door! They ll see me. FARREN ("No") They re going now. (Closes door, comes down) MRS. TORREY Before he comes in quick! (She kisses him; he half turns away) Oh, what a ! (Tries to kiss him again; he jumps back, motions "caution," and points to door. Mrs. Torrey goes to door, opens it slightly. Re-assuringly) No one ! FARREN (at window) There s a crowd below at the door. MRS. TORREY Mr. Torrey there? FARREN (peering out) I don t see him. MRS. TORREY Where s he gone? AREN T THEY WONDERS? FARREN (troubled) I don t know unless (Hesitates) MRS. TORREY (alarmed) He won t have that fool arrested? FARREN (still at window) No but some one may have brought an officer MRS. TORREY (with temper) Damn it ! If he s dragged me into this ! Of course, Felix would over-do it! (Torrey re-enters. He is pale from anger, but unfturried. He rubs knuckles of right hand) Is he gone? TORREY (with meaning) Quite! (Touches barked knuckles with kerchief) MRS. TORREY You re hurt, poor dear! (Looks at his hurt hand and winces) TORREY Nothing. MRS. TORREY (annoyed) Why d you strike him? TORREY (with a quizzical smile) What did you want me to do? Invite him to lunch? MRS. TORREY No but to upset me like this ! TORREY He s the one "upset"! MRS. TORREY (uneasy) What did he say before you hit him? TORREY Nothing, before and less after. (To Farren) Look up the next train to New York express. (Farren exits, right) 100 AREN T THEY WONDERS? MRS. TORREY Oh, don t let s go to-day ! I m all (Gesture of dis traction) TORREY You must and at once! Before the newspapers learn of this affair and reporters come bothering. I don t want your name to figure in this not for worlds, dear! MRS. TORREY Good heavens, no ! Come ! TORREY (embarrassed) I can t go, just yet. Later, perhaps, but MRS. TORREY Why? What is it? (Panicky) He DID say some thing? TORREY No, no but the man is rather badly hurt. I struck harder than I knew and he fell against a granite column in the hall and hurt his head. Just how serious they can t tell till they get him to the hos pital. They want me to be here, if anything hap pens. (Some one rattles the door-knob, as if trying to enter; then knocks two or three times on the door) TORREY (calling) Yes, yes ! (Goes to door; opens slightly; speaks off) Just a moment more. MRS. TORREY (panicky) Who is it? TORREY (lightly) Some one to show me to the magistrate s. MRS. TORREY An officer? AREN T THEY WONDERS? 101 TORREY (nods "yes") But in plain clothes. No one will notice and it s just around the corner the magistrate s office. And you take the next train. MRS. TORREY (in tone of poignant distress) Oh, but I can t do that! Go way and leave you here in all this trouble! I should go mad with anxiety and loneliness! TORREY But you ll be with friends. They re expecting us. They ve arranged a jolly party for this evening dinner, theatre, and to dance the New Year in! MRS. TORREY Yes, but it s hours till then Hours! And mean while I d have to be alone and every minute would seem a year ! I couldn t do it ! (Farren re-enters) And the journey over there all by myself! I d jump off the train! TORREY No, no, you needn t go alone. Some one must take you over. (To Farren) Farren, I hate to disturb your holiday plans but you ll have to see Mrs. Tor- rey to New York. I want her out of town till this little trouble blows over. You d better take the next train. FARREN Yes, sir. Three o clock. MRS. TORREY (drying her eyes; protesting) A nice show I ll make of myself crying my eyes out before a car full of people ! TORREY (rings) No one will see you. (To Miss Kaye, who enters) 102 AREN T THEY WONDERS? Miss Kaye, phone or send to the Pullman office hold the drawing-room on the three o clock train for New York. Reserve in name of Mr. Farren. He ll call for it at the station. (To Farren) And see Mrs. Torrey has something to read and cheer her up. Now, don t worry, dearest. Soon as they find Judge Latham, or some other, bail will be arranged, and I ll probably be with you before theatre s out. MRS. TORREY You will come over, later? TORREY Of course, girl! I wouldn t miss this evening with you for anything in the world! Think of it New Year s eve ! and me away from you when those chimes ring out at midnight ! I d blow up the j ail ! MRS. TORREY Yes, you must! But call me up on long-distance, the moment you find you can come over. Promise you will! I won t know a minute s peace til then. And this young man can wait for the message at the hotel so I m sure to get it. You can t trust those phone girls, at hotels. (The knock on door resumes, rather more insistent) TORREY (to Mrs. Torrey) Good-bye, and don t worry ! (Kisses her. To Farren) You stay over til you hear from me. If it s too late to come back, the hotel-valet will give you what you need for the night. (Exits quickly. Farren attends him to the door, then comes down slowly. An ambulance-gong heard from street) FARREN (at window) Gee whiz! Ambulance! (Distressed) What luck! AREN T THEY WONDERS? 103 (Mrs. Torrey, who seemingly lias been on the verge of tears, emerges from behind her kerchief with a broad smile of mischief) MRS. TORREY Yes! Better even than I hoped for! FARREN (puzzled) "Hoped"? (Mrs. Torrey nods "yes" and laughs lightly) Good God! You don t mean you planned all this? MRS. TORREY (nods more vigorously, and smiles as if pleased with herself) Not all of it, no ! Not that mess out there ! FARREN (utterly at sea) And that man didn t follow you? MRS. TORREY Yes, of course ! FARREN And flirted with you? MRS. TORREY (nods "yes") With a little help. (Laughs) He didn t need much ! (Noting that Farren doesnt share her fun) Now don t look so shocked! At first I thought, maybe, it was some one I knew and so, perhaps, I looked at him and possibly I smiled. I don t know. FARREN (peeved) Well, you certainly know whether or not you en couraged him. MRS. TORREY I guess he thought so ! FARREN But -why d you do it? What for? 104 AREN T THEY WONDERS? MRS. TORREY For you, silly ! And for me ! so I could get out of going to New York with Felix and maybe see you this evening. FARREN (embarrassed) But you knew I d an engagement this evening. MRS. TORREY (slightingly) With one of the typewriters? FARREN With Miss Kaye. It was arranged days ago. MRS. TORREY So was my trip to New York with Mr. Torrey. But we never dreamed, you and I, this could happen so wonderfully ! I lay awake half the night trying to think how I could manage and woke up with nothing better than a headache. I knew he d talk me out of that, so I thought I d best run down and lunch with him and faint at table ! FARREN (vacantly) You re a wonder! MRS. TORREY Yes, I do faint rather well! But just after I phoned you, the first time, that beast turned up stood at the booth as I came out, as though he d been listening. That made me uneasy so I phoned you again, not to meet me. I thought sure he was tracking me. FARREN (not understanding) "Tracking" ? MRS. TORREY (nods " yes" ) Detective I thought watching me. AREN T THEY WONDERS? 105 FARREN But why? who would ? He s never seen you speak to me your husband. MRS. TORREY Not he! Some one else. A friend of Felix. He s mad about me and jealous of you. He s seen us together once or twice at that road-house, in the park. And he s acting like a fool. FARREN Who is he? That riding-master you spoke of? MRS. TORREY (witli a wince of disgust) ("No") That was in Palm Beach a year ago. FARREN Not that cad of a dancer, from the hotel cabaret? MRS. TORREY No ! He s left town. FARREN (insistent) Who is it, then? MRS. TORREY (flaring) None of your business ! FARREN (abashed) Of course not! (Pulling himself together) I beg your pardon, Mrs. Toriey. MRS. TORREY ( pettingly ) Now you re a dear boy, again ! But if you re going to be jealous and ask questions, like all the others you ll spoil it all ! You men are wonders ! Always so suspicious ! If you weren t the one I really cared for, would I ever have thought of all this? Play street-tag with a stranger, let him follow me almost to the door and frighten me half to death so I could faint decently? And all just to see you for 106 AREN T THEY WONDERS? maybe an hour this evening? Only love can find a way like that! And once, there, I nearly lost my nerve. FARREN (dryly) I hadn t noticed it. MRS. TORREY But I did when that frump of a typewriter started to drench me for a moment I lost my nerve, and you, poor dear, lost your New Year s gift. Here it is (takes gold cigarette-case from the box that she had given Torrey) with your monogram "T. F." That s what I came out for and phoned you to meet me to give it to you. And now Felix will carry it ! It s all right, though. He ll take "T. F." for his initials, "F. T." Well, I ll think of you whenever I see him use it and you, I suppose, will have a good laugh. FARREN (distressed) Don t ! Please don t ! He s such a splendid chap ! MRS. TORREY Don t take it so tragic, Tomkins ! FARREN Well, isn t it rather tragic for him? MRS. TORREY (piqued) If you feel that way, we ll stop right where we are ! FARREN (eagerly) It isn t too late! MRS. TORREY That s for me to say, isn t it? It is the woman s privilege, I believe, to draw back. Yesterday, in the park, when I merely hinted such a thing you AREN T THEY WONDERS? 107 said you d die (imitating) for me "of a broken heart." FARREN Yes but I don t like the idea of this other chap dying of a broken head. Somehow, hang it ! that takes it out of a fellow. MRS. TORREY Of course, if you re afraid some day Felix may send you sprawling FARREN (breaking in) I m not thinking of myself, nor him, nor anything but you the risk you re running the danger you re in now and all your future just for a caprice a moment s fancy that you ll forget in a month. MRS. TORREY (chaffingly) We U talk about that in New York. FARREN Do you think, after what s happened, I ought to go ? MRS. TORREY (witJi mock gravity) No! But we ll talk it over on the train, Tomkins! (Farren shows indecision reluctance) MRS. TORREY (with temper) Oh, maybe you d prefer to stay here, with Miss Kaye? FARREN (troubled) No I was only wondering well, I think she knows you phoned me to-day. MRS. TORREY What of it? She heard Mr. Torrey tell you And I won t go without you. Think of it! New Year s Eve! Music and dancing, at every turn. Every- 108 AREN T THEY WONDERS? body gay, and having a good time, with some one they care for. And me over there alone ! FARREN But you ll be with friends ! MRS. TORREY Who wants to be with friends at such a time? And a fine lot of stupid old fluffs trying to be jolly be cause they re a year older ! (Nervously) Why, when those chimes ring out at midnight I d go mad want to kick over the table and smash things ! You ll simply have to come along to save the china ! ! FARREN (dissuadingly) Yes but Mr. Torrey doesn t mean I ll not be in the party. MRS. TORREY Neither will I, stupid ! I ll have a killing headache, from worry, all the way over. It s beginning now. And if they drag me off to dinner, I ll faint before the salad. Now come along, Tomkins. (Miss Kaye enters from left, in season to hear the "Tomkins." Crosses to Torrey s desk, from whic f h she takes a bank-cheque) MISS KAYE (to Farren) Mr. Torrey s just phoned for the pay-roll cheque; he forgot to sign it. Will you take it to him, at the magistrate s office? MRS. TORREY Is there time? FARREN (looking at watch) Ample it s only a few steps. (Makes to exit) AREN T THEY WONDERS? 109 MISS KAYE And will you please fetch the money from the bank? (Farren exits) Feeling better, Mrs. Torrey? MRS. TORREY Much. MISS KAYE Well enough to travel alone? MRS. TORREY I shouldn t care to risk it. Mr. Torrey s clerk will see me over. MISS KAYE Yes, I know ; but I was hoping if you ve quite re covered from the shock, you might manage without Mr. Farren. MRS. TORREY You need him here? (Indicates tlie office) MISS KAYE Very much in case anything happens and Mr. Torrey is detained elsewhere. MRS. TORREY ( as if it didn t matter) You should have told my husband, and he d sent one of the other clerks. MISS KAYE You won t mind, then, if I arrange for some one else, stead of Mr. Farren? MRS. TORREY Not in the least ! (Miss Kaye makes to exit) But I do mind your interfering with my husband s orders to this Mister er what-you-call-him? MISS KAYE "Tomkins?" (Mrs. Torrey, startled, appears about to faint) (With seeming anxiety) Don t faint, 110 AREN T THEY WONDERS? please, Mrs. Torrey! He ll be back in a few min utes, and I ve a lot to say. MRS. TORREY It couldn t possibly interest me. (Seizes her muff from desk, and makes to go impetuously) MISS KAYE (blocking the way) You can t go now, Mrs. Torrey ! Two reporters are waiting (nods toward hall) for an interview and snap-shot. MRS. TORREY Then get back to your work where you belong! Before you regret your impudence. MISS KAYE (with feeling) I regret it now. I d be horribly ashamed if I didn t regret it all my life. Ten minutes ago I wouldn t have been capable of such brazen impudence, and I won t be again ten minutes from now. So I must tell you quick: you re going to New York without Mr. "Tomkins"! MRS. TORREY (after a slight pause) When I tell Mr. Torrey this he won t believe me. MISS KAYE Oh, yes ! He ll believe anything you tell him. Or he d never sent that poor fool to the hospital! MRS. TORREY (flaring) I suppose the brute didn t follow me? MISS KAYE Oh, I guess he followed you, all right! What man wouldn t, once he got your eye, and a sniff of your violet and lilac and sachet stuff flirted at him? Of course he ll follow you. It s the nature of the brute, even a nice, clean young brute, like this chap here AREN T THEY WONDERS? Ill was till you I don t know what you ve done to him but why after one of your phone-calls he can t look me in the face ! MRS. TORREY Have you any claim on him? You going to marry him? MISS KAYE Yes. MRS. TORREY I didn t know that. MISS KAYE Neither does he ! But he ll know it when he comes out of the ether. MRS. TORREY (puzzled) "Ether"? MISS KAYE (nodding "yes") Or whatever the drug you are to him ! So a touch of your hand, and he s in a trance! A smile from you sets him dreaming, like laughing gas. (With rising anger) And a kiss, I s pose, puts him to sleep, like knock-out drops ! MRS. TORREY (dryly) If that s all the drug, I wonder you don t try it on him! I imagine he d take it, with a little coaxing. (With a change of tone) But aren t you rather unfair to me and to him? He s clever, attractive, ambitious to get the best in the world; and I mean to help him on. What could you give him? (Looks in mirror of vanity-case) MISS KAYE Just as good as you, and then some! if it comes to that. Silky things and furs and almond-cream 112 AREN T THEY WONDERS? are very nice. But you can do a lot with fresh air and Fairy soap. And I d give him all the best that s in a woman not the worst. And if I ever tired of him and that can happen to any of us! why, I d quit and get out, and not go on taking his money and his love and devotion and give him back nothing but street-mud ! I wouldn t let him make a queen, an idol, of me, while I made a monkey of him ! MES. TOEEEY (laughing at her, but with no show of malice) You poor thing! You have it bad! But I can un derstand. He s a dear boy. And having him about you all the time you can t help loving him. Any woman would be interested. MISS KAYE (derisively) "Interested"? How long? One month? Two? Three, at the most. That s your limit ! You change with the seasons : Newport Lenox White Sulphur Palm Beach Town ! And in between excursions like this one, now, with a chap you ll "cut" on the street long before the Spring hats come in. MES. TOEEEY That s only a few weeks off; they re showing mod els now. Can t you wait that long? You re very impatient all of a sudden now that you think I care for him. MISS KAYE (derisively) "Care for him" ! Just now it was "interested" ! Why not come out with it? Say you re in love with him! MES. TOEEEY (amused) Love s a very serious word. And I ve only come to care for him since (Uncertain) AREN T THEY WONDERS? 113 MISS KAYE Since when do you "care for him"? Since that Paris painter finished your portrait? Since the pri vate theatricals coached by the handsome actor, whose wife made a scene that wasn t in the play? Or since you learned the latest dance steps from that MRS. TORREY (breaking in, angrily) I s pose you ve told Mr. Farren all these slanders ! MISS KAYE I d die before I d let on or use such means or even mention Mr. Torrey s Wife to him. But don t you suppose Tom s heard things? MRS. TORREY (lightly) Nothing I haven t told him. And if you think that would stop him MISS KAYE (with a smile, rather bitter) I m not such a fool to think that would stop him! That s how you keep them going. MRS. TORREY How old are you? MISS KAYE Nineteen. MRS. TORREY You know a lot for an unmarried woman. MISS KAYE I ve always worked for married men. MRS. TORREY I know one you won t work for after this. You can t remain here, Miss Kaye. MISS KAYE I shouldn t wish to. You d make my life a torture. 114 AREN T THEY WONDERS? and your own a scandal. Even now you put your good name at the mercy of every gabbling phone- girl in the building. You d risk even more than you did to-day, now that you know what Tom Farren means to me. MRS. TORREY (loftily) Don t flatter yourself ! MISS KAYE Why, that s half the game for you the best half! Tisn t so much the man you re after nor your own happiness but just the joy of making some other woman wretched. You re like a spoiled, vicious child, with a dish of cake before it. You re not content with mouth and hands and pockets full but you must snatch a bite out of everybody else s share and then throw it on the floor ! Take all you choose from other people but hands off mine! For me, there s only one slice of cake in the world and I won t have it mussed up ! MRS. TORREY You are fussy over your "cookie" ! Where s your pride and womanhood? You re nothing to him! He was ready enough you saw to go on this "excur sion" ! MISS KAYE Mr. Torrey s orders he couldn t get out of it! MRS. TORREY He can now, if he chooses. And he shall choose! The moment he comes in, I ll tell him MISS KAYE (panicky) No! AREN T THEY WONDERS? 115 MRS. TORREY (continuing) Just what you ve told me "cake" and all. MISS KAYE (in tone of appeal) You wouldn t dare ! MRS. TORREY Wait and see! MISS KAYE No, I won t. (Crosses to exit left) (Brokenly) Do as you like and he, too ! Go or stay I m done (Makes to exit) MRS. TORREY (blocking tlie way) You can t go now, Miss Kaye. And don t faint, please ! He ll be here any moment and now it s up to him, alone! (At the top of the quarrel, Torrey re-enters, followed by Farren. Mrs. Torrey rushes eagerly to her husband, nestles against him, as if for support) Felix, dear. TORREY What is it? What s wrong? MRS. TORREY Why, that young person forgot her place. I I didn t want to go to New York alone without you and she was insisting I must! MISS KAYE Only because you advised it, sir. TORREY Quite right, Miss Kaye. (To Mrs. Torrey) But we re going together as we arranged. Judge La tham fixed matters easily. They phoned from the hospital the man isn t badly hurt at all. Was only stunned and has come to his senses. 116 AREN T THEY WONDERS? MISS KAYE Didn t have far to go (with deferential nod toward Mrs. Torrey) if he d make such a mistake. TORREY Says, of course, he thought he knew you. MRS. TORREY They always say that the beasts! TORREY (to Ills Wife) Took you for one of his former pupils. MRS. TORREY A dancer? TORREY No; he s a riding-master, from Palm Beach. And seems not such a bad sort, after all. Swears he can t recall a thing that happened except that he was kicked by a horse. Admits he only got what he de served, and begs the lady will forgive him. MRS. TORREY (indignant) I? Never! After what I ve gone through because of him. (As she makes to exit, with husband) Happy New Year, Miss Kaye. (Husband nudges her and nods toward Tom) Oh and you, too, Mister er Tomkins. TORREY (correcting) Farren ! MRS. TORREY Yes, of course. And I meant he should have a New Year s gift but in the excitement to-day (To Farren) Choose something for yourself handker chiefs, neckties, socks, anything you like. And have it charged to Mr. Torrey. They ll understand. (Farren opens his mouth to speak, but only gasps, AREN T THEY WONDERS? 117 and bows as Mrs. Torrey and her husband exit. Far- ren stands dazed and mute, staring at the closed door. Like-wise, Miss Kaye, silent, peers into space for some seconds) MISS KAYE (to herself; twinkling) "Didn t want to go to New York alone without you"! FARREX (turns -front, rather to himself) Aren t they wonders? MISS KAYE (with rising temper) Oh, you re awake, are you? Out of your trance? You ve come back! FARREN Forget it ! (Offers his hand, which she refuses indig nantly) MISS KAYE Never! After what I ve gone through because of you you you big boob! (Falls into chair, bur ies her head in her arms; and sobs) I m done with you from this moment on FARREX Don t, girl! There s nothing honor bright noth ing to feel that way about. Not this evening. Wait till to-morrow after the dance. Think of it ! New Year s Night. The moon in the sky snow on the ground sleigh bells jingling all over the place music and dancing and everybody jolly and happy except you and me ! And everywhere in the world, to-night, every man and woman who love, hand in hand, heart to heart, looking into the future! And you and I at different ends of the town looking 118 AREN T THEY WONDERS? out of the window. And, gee whiz! Girl when those chimes ring out at midnight (Touches her hair caressingly) MISS KAYE (suddenly alert, angrily, through her tears) I suppose that s how you talked to her ! FARREN (ingenuously) Lord, no ! She wouldn t listen to such moonshine. Why, when you really know Mrs. Torrey she s a a serious woman! MISS KAYE (laughing through her tears) "Serious" hell! FARREN Good ! Now get on your hat. MISS KAYE Where we going? FARREN (mopping his brow) First off a long, cool drink. (Holds up her chin) Look at your eyes and nose. All het up ! MISS KAYE (wistfully) There s the man of it! Breaks a girl s heart and thinks he can fix it with an ice-cream soda ! Aren t you wonders? (She tiptoes to kiss him, draws away abruptly) Did you kiss her to-day? FARREN (promptly) No! (Amazed) Kiss Mrs. Torrey? MISS KAYE You ve never kissed her? FARREN (shocked by the suggestion) Good Lord, no! MISS KAYE (gravely) Word-of-honor, Tom? AREN T THEY WONDERS? 119 FARREN Yes ! Say you believe me ! MISS KAYE (nods "yes") I believe you of course. (Kisses him) But I m glad you lied! CUKTAIN THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW AN INITIAL FINE OF 25 CENTS WILL BE ASSESSED FOR FAILURE TO RETURN THIS BOOK ON THE DATE DUE. THE PENALTY WILL INCREASE TO 5O CENTS ON THE FOURTH DAY AND TO $1.OO ON THE SEVENTH DAY OVERDUE. DEC 4 ? 1933 MAR 15 19k MAR 15 NOV 28 1S45 MAY 6 1948 LD 21-50m-8,>32 38Z6U7 NirdiingerJ C. ?. N721 f ,ook after toulsej Big ren n*t the\| wonders? / 4 ifl _ Jan 2 my. 26 Q7 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY