P4 STORY OF TRAIN OF CARS <7 odr THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. A TALE OF TRAVEL 'Even the Moslems now go to Mecca by Special Train." NEWSPAPER. BY WALLACE PECK. NEW YORK : AUTHORS PUBLISHING ASSOCIATION, 1 14 Fifth Avenue. COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY WALLACE PECK. Bancroft Library QUEEN ANNE CAR. CHAPTER I. SEEKING NOTORIETY. FAME had never looked up my address in the directory, nor come a-ringing my front door bell. Up to a certain stage of my career I was not disappointed at this, for I knew that Fame has a very limited calling acquaintance, and I did not mind being snubbed in company with sixty odd millions of my ordinary fellow countrymen. But after having lived a life of common things, somebody suddenly dropped a colossal fortune into my lap, whereupon I concluded it was high time to give over the life of a (irub and become a Butterfly. I decided to turn from my old hum drum ways and do something Unique, the notoriety of which might at least raise me from my present insignificance, and make me a much-talked-about man. Surely I could not be blamed for at last developing an ambition, and one so thoroughly American, by the way ! To quietly wait for a normal growth of notoriety promised to be too slow a process some people might jog along for many centuries before growing to prominence so I decided 4 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. to take aggressive measures, and at once. I accordingly turned over in my mind many schemes with a view to the adoption of that one which would the most readily establish me as a notoriety. After some casting about for notoriety-breeders I un- expectedly got my cue from Chauncey Depew. That gentleman, when once asked abroad what was in his opinion the most striking characteristic of the Americans, replied that they were a traveling people, because they never got a few dollars together that they did not spend them to go somewhere. I would go a-touring on a special train ! In this undertaking I would be sure of a vast audience, for if there is any one thing which receives the attention of the people of these United States, it is railroading. I would take advantage of this interest, and hold my audience spell-bound by a tour so novel as to throw into the shade the many unique trips which this country has already seen. Let me give a brief history of my train of cars, and then judge if I was not entitled to the notoriety which resulted from the carrying out of my scheme. CHINESE CAR. CHAPTER II. THE TRAIN OF CARS. IMAGINE persons of vast wealth contenting themselves with living in three rooms a bedroom, a parlor and a dining room. Yet this is the very thing the rich do when they take one of those private railway journeys of to-day ; and the queerest part is that they feel very grand over it all, acting as if they were living on a really large scale, while in reality they simply exist in a parlor car, a sleeper and a dining car. Now, I decided that my train should be no less than a whole house on wheels, in fact everything but the mortgage. Why should I live more contracted on a train than at home ? So, besides the regulation cars just mentioned, my train had a private Cellar Car, and during the trip I derived much pleasure from entering it with a lighted candle and groping round for favorite pippins and hard cider, or bringing forth a jar of home made preserves. I insisted that everyone on the train should treat this car as if it were just what it purported to be a cellar. 6 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. After the usual Dining Car came my Front Parlor Car, following which was the Back Parlor Car. Many people take much more comfort in the back parlor than in the front, so I determined to have the former room represented. Then came my own private conveyance, a First-Floor-Front- Hall-Bedroom Car, following which the various other sleep- ing rooms were represented in their order. Then came the Garden Car. This was an open flat car, the floor of which was covered with a thick, rich soil, from which I was to supply my fresh vegetables ; and many a morning when the train was rushing along at thirty miles an hour, I could be seen placidly hoeing its surface, getting health and happiness from this direct contact with Mother Earth. I had peas sprouting before we completed our journey. Next came the Moorish Theatre Car, on whose mimic boards even Sweet Will was heard to speak. Over the roof of this car arose a tall minaret, which, of course, could be lowered when we ran into tunnel territory. Last of all was what I called my Bon Marche Car. I argued that during a long trip we would run short of many necessary things, therefore, what could be more useful than a general store connected with the train, where we could go and replenish ? Besides, the presence of such a car would afford my women guests a chance to indulge in that feminine craze going shopping. This car was complete, even to a bargain counter, and a cash railway. Recognizing the revival of architecture in this country, I had each car made of some distinctive type one Grecian, another Moorish, another Queen Anne, still another, Chinese, and so on. One concern submitted designs for a Chinese locomotive, but the plan was not approved. The grand result of this architectural medley was that the old conventional car body was not in evidence on my train. I have often wondered why car builders have not made some attempt at diversi- fying the exterior of cars, as they certainly have done with THE STORY OF A TRAIN OK CAks. 7 the interiors. They seem to be content with turning out, year after year, a car body built according to the lines of the dry-goods-box school of architecture. The next step was to get fitting names for all these cars, and while thinking over the matter I remembered a report, that a member of the Pullman family receives for pin money $1,000 per annum to supply those Oh-how-euphonious na; which are painted on sleepers, drawing and parlor cars. Here was my cue. I called in the services of my friend, Prof. Braine, and offered him $2,000 for a set of names which would be congenial and neighborly when strung along the sides of the train. The professor retired to a quiet hamlet, brooded a few days over the problem, and one morning handed me the following study in the euphony of India : Cellar Car - - Dining Car Front Parlor Car " Chidambaram" Hack Parlor Car " Poojambce" \ irst-Floor-Front-Hall-BedroomCar" Bandoogurli." - ^ Joontiagudda. ' ' "//// nd-i-Dulahr Five Sleeping Cars \ "Mahanuddy." " Aulaypoolay" - " Dhumta (iarden Car - " Mosungabad" Theatre Car * Mazuffcrabad" Bon March* Car Iturrickpoorgurh. ' ' At the first glance it seemed as if this crop of names was hardly worth two thousand dollars ; but when I remembered that even far-away Japan has contributed many names for our sleepers and parlor cars, I concluded that it was only right to give India a chance. I became of the opinion that Professor Braine could give points to the most hardened car-namer, but am afraid, however, a narrow gauge THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. road could not stand the strain of such words as he supplied. Subsequently, with the Professor's permission, I changed the name of the last car to " Finis" (rather appropriate I thought) and my special First-Floor-Front-Hall-Bedroom Car I rechristened " Countess Terwilliger." My dear Aunt Terwilliger was not a countess, but I had often felt that, had America possessed a monarchy, she would have been undoubtedly of that rank, which amounts to the same thing. My dear aunt suggested that the five sleepers be rechristened " Gape," u Yawn," "Nod," " Snore " and " Nightmare," respectively, this arrangement representing the different stages by which Morpheus attacks and finally conquers us. Our locomotive was a record breaker that is to say, a record breaker of 1845. While it was never ahead of time it was ahead of the times in one respect, for instead of having the regulation headlight, I had a 150,000 candle power search light attached to its front. This light was connected with the "Terwilliger" (I mean the car, not the woman) by electricity, which enabled me to focus it on any object at will ; and we all derived great delight at night by using it to draw the landscape out of the darkness, as it SIGHTSEEING BY SEARCH LIGHT. THE STORY OK A TRAIN OF CARS. 9 were. We were not like ordinary travelers whose sight- seeing is over when night begins. They tell of a new brakeman who, at the beginning of his career, used to call out with great distinctness "Broad Street, Newark." After a while he changed this to " Brorstreenoah;" and finally, in the sere and yellow leaf of brakemanship, he settled down to " Buspinore." I decided not to tolerate any of this sort of thing on my train, so I placed in each car a loud-speaking phonograph, and when a station was reached the passengers would hear the instrument proclaim something like this: "This station is Jug Town, North Carolina, United States of America, Northern Hemisphere. Did you catch the name ? J-u-g-t-o-w-n Jug Town. Popu- lation 3,841. It is a no-license town with eighteen drug stores. President of the Town Board is Watts Yoors. I'm talking about J-u-g-t-o-w-n Jug Town. R. Thayer Mysize, a drummer, was recently shot here for calling it Bugtown." By means of this simple contrivance there was never any doubt as to where we were, and, besides, we gained at the same time an immense amount of local history. The conventional special railway trip begins at some one of the great American cities, and its objects of interest are the other great American cities strung along the continent. I was not looking for this sort of thing. Please bear in mind that I was after the unique. The .exact physical centre of the United States is said to be a grave stone in a cemetery at Fort Riley, Kansas. That I determined to be my starting point. I would begin at the centre, and in a series of ever-widening circles finally cover all of Uncle Sam's territory. Then as to the objective points. While debating the subject I came across the following in Irving's Astoria : *' We cannot but pause to lament the stupid, commonplace, and often ribald names entailed upon the rivers and other features of the great West, by traders and settlers. * * * Indeed it is to be wished that the whole of our country could be rescued as much as possible from the wretched nomenclature inflicted upon it by ignorant and vulgar minds/' 10 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. Here was a hint, and I soon became possessed with the idea that it would be not only novel but great sport to confine my trip to all the vulgarly named places in the United States ; so, with that end in view, I laboriously hunted through the latest Post Office Guide. The result of the search was truly astonishing for here are some of the names I found : A. B. C., Tenn. Accident, Md. Adieu, Tex. American Flag,.. Tex. Bachelor's Hall,. Va. Bird in Hand, . . .Penn. Bumble Bee,. . ..Ariz. Calf Killer Tenn. Chat, Cal. Chromo, Colo. Comical Corners,N. J. Dead Horse, . . . .Neb. (afterwards changed to Live Horse, then to Rose Dale) Dime, La. Doctor Town, . . .Ga. Doorway, Ky. Dull, Tenn. Finis, Tex. Finger, Miss. Fort Spunky, . . ..Tex. Funny Louis, La. Grubgulch, Cal. Hard Times,. . ..La. Jug Town, N. C. Last Chance, . . ..la. Leap Year, Tenn. Limbs, Tenn. (Weakley Co.) Looking Glass, ..Neb. and Oregon. Looneyville, . . . . N. Y. Moral, Okl. New Design,. . . .111. New Moon, Ark. Nine Times,. . .S. C. Not, Mo. O. K Ky, Miss. and S. C. Only, Tenn. Overalls, Penn. Pay Up, Ga. Piano, Ky. Quick, Neb. Quote, Mo. Rabbit Hash,.. .Ky. Rapture, Kan. Shoo Fly, la. Shortly, Del. Short Off, N. C. Sleepy Eye, Minn. Sober, Penn. Squirejim, W. Va. Sub Rosa, Ark. Sweet Home, .... Ark. Tin Cup, Colo. Tombstone, Ariz. Toonigh, Ga. Total Wreck, Ariz. Trim Belle,.. . .Wis. U Bet, Tenn. Useful, Mo. Useless, Wash. Vimville, Miss. Wakeup, Ohio. Walkchalk Penn. Waterproof, La. Why Not, N. C. Yellville, Ariz. 1HI STORY OK A TRAIN OF CARS. 11 What a train of mournful ideas follows the scanning of these names. You wonder how you would like to be addressed as the Mayor of Calf Killer; or, if a woman, you start at the possibility of being known as the Belle of Last Chance, or the Beauty of Total Wreck. You conclude that geography is cruel to place Last Chance in Iowa and Leap r in far away Tennessee. These two should have been (as they are in the list) side by side, with the town of Why Not in sight. How would you like to inform your friends that you were a Bogus (Cal.) lawyer, about to take the trip fnm Useful. (Mo.) to Useless (Wash.)? or, if a Prohibitionist, that you were soon to move from Tin Cup (Col.) to Jug Town (N. C.) ? One jem of delicacy, however, is set in the vulgar list, and the reader will find it in the name which follows Leap Year, Tenn. Thanks to the Boston man who called his new settlement Limbs. So this was my itinerary my train was to make objective points of as many of the above places as could be reached by railroad. Here at last was one continental trip where the charms of Washington, Chicago, St. Louis, Denver and San Francisco would have to surrender to the sterling attractions offered by Tin Cup, Nine Times, Only, and Total Wreck. Since my cars, taken collectively, constituted a house on wheels, what more natural than that I should place my housekeeper, Mrs. McGovern, in charge ; and, as she had always managed my stationary house, she was now delegated to run my portable mansion. There was no conductor on that train Mrs. M< Govern had charge; and, as her late husband had been an old railroad man, she assumed this function with an easy assurance. In the widening of woman's sphere, why not a woman train conductor? In Chili they have them already on the street cars. Trouble resulted from this arrangement, but of same, later. A CHINESE LOCOMOTIVE. (Design by UN HUNG.) CHAPTER III. THE TOURING PARTY. VHAT bachelor does not recall the moment when some friend slapped him on the back ; and, referring to a particular maiden, cried : " Ah, my boy ! that's the girl who would make a wife for you." This had been my experience. I could name five young ladies who had been so designated to me. I confess to having had matrimonial intentions. My fortune was vast and had come upon me with the suddenness of a lottery drawing. There were great sums of interest accumulating with monotonous regularity, and I felt oppressed by the fact that they might gain on me in spite of all I .could do. In the night I used to dream that while I was inactive this income was stealing a march on me, and if I arose an hour late it had forged ahead just so much for that day. I had to stay up an hour later that night to get even. I said my fortune was vast. Before it came to me people carelessly remarked : " His income is so much per annum." Now, with keen interest, they said : Nil BTOR1 OK A TRAIN OK CARS. 13 His income is so much per hour." Mark the narrowing down of the time. There are men whose incomes are so colossal that awe-struck calculators get the estimate per minute. Rather than bear the burden which the latter fortune represents I would have these figurers obliged to swing to the other extreme and say that my income was so much per century. It looked as though I would have to be a hard spender for the rest of my days ; up early and down late, spreading my interest to the four winds, with a stray ducat for any fifth wind that might come my way. I felt unequal to the task, so I decided to get a wife. Now, a woman can be helpful to you in spending money. I concluded that with a wife to share in the disposal of an income, my burdens would be reduced half maybe she would even strive for me and take on her shoulders three-quarters of the spending. I have said that I could name five girls who had been enthusiastically pointed out to me as material for the particular wife I needed. Aunt Terwilliger was responsible for this sort of an observation, and the five were known to single-blessedness as : Misses HOWES, DAWES, HALL, SILL, EAVES. I was making up a list of those who were to be invited to accompany me on my special railway journey. So far I had one name that of my always-to-be-included Aunt Terwilliger. I requested my aunt to invite each of the five young ladies mentioned, telling her that my purpose in so doing was to test her recommendations and find, if possible, a wife among the lot. So far I was fancy free and each of those young ladies could step aboard that train with as fair a chance of capturing me as any of the rest. I could promise each of them a delightful trip, and to one (if she chose) a husband. When I first saw them I must confess that I did not know which was to be the one, for I was equally impressed with each. The Misses Howes and Hall were 14 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. blondes ; the Misses Dawes and Sill were brunettes, while Miss Eaves held the balance of power with her red hair. Aunt Terwilliger was, of course, the chaperone of the party. I accidentally found that she had a strong preference for one of the girls, and would have liked me to get that one ; but in her eyes the chaperone must exercise an impartiality something akin to that of a Justice of the Supreme Court ; so each girl was placed on an equal footing. After a slight intercourse with the young ladies I thought I could perceive in the dim, far-away horizon of my inclinations a faint suggestion of a preference for Miss Sill. Of the male guests my friend Prof. Braine was naturally of the first importance. I invited the Professor, first, because he was my friend, and next because in his specialty as a geographer he could give an instructive as well as interesting turn to each of the great natural wonders which we hoped to see. As an indication of his scope in this direction I cannot refrain from appending a few examples from the geography which he is now compiling. What is geography ? Geography is the directory of the earth. What is the earth? The earth is a hard spot in space. What is the earth's shape? Some society people, like the ancients, still consider the earth flat very flat. How is it divided ? Into zones, congressional districts and ten-acre lots. Which zone is the most populous? The Intemperate. \yhere do you live i In the Owe-Zone. By what is the earth surrounded? Barbed wire fences. By whom is the earth inhabited? By Republicans and Democrats. If the Mr. Sippi is the Father of Waters, which is the Mother? The Amazon. Might not the latter be called the Mother-in-law of Waters? Yes, because it is very large at the mouth. K \ OK A I K A I N '5 A PEAK *F THE VACATION RANGE. What are the four seasons of the year? Spring, Summer, two weeks' vacation and when you are home sick. What is a mountain ? A big summer hotel with a hill under it. What are the principal mountains of the Vacation range? The White Mountains. Why so named? Because the guest turns white when his hotel bill is presented. What is a strait? A strait is the condition in which the summer guest finds himself after paying the hereinbefore mentioned bill. What is a canal? A canal is a creek grown so valuable as to be kept always under lock and quay. l6 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. What is a volcano ? A heated hole in the ground. What minerals are found in the United States ? Occasionally a copper, and, rarely, a nickel. What is the composition of rocks of the Advertising Age? Careful examination of the rocks of the Advertising Age shows the following compositions : DOGGINE FOR HYDROPHOBIA. Testimonial. *' Two minutes ago I was surrounded by an immense herd of rabid dogs, and bitten almost to pieces. I commenced taking Doggine, and now am a well man ; the only evidence of my trouble being about two and a half miles of scars." Rossiter W. Doubleday. ABSENT-MINDEDINE. Testimonial. 11 1 am a track walker on the Cradle Rock and Great Waul Railroad, and so absent minded that, while in the discharge of my duties, I have been run over as many as seven times a week. A month ago I commenced taking Absent-Mindedine and to-day I am a well man. I am surprised now if I am run over even once a week. R. U. Onit, Ass't Gen'l Track Walker. That sort of thing speaks for itself and shows what an acquisition Prof. Braine would be to any party. His eloquence was so great that he could almost convince you (if he chose) that brown bears leave brown tracks behind them while black bears leave black tracks. The balance of the party consisted of four newspaper correspondents, named respectively : Messrs. KNIGHT, DAY, WEEKS, YERES. They were a bright, attractive lot, and perhaps the shrewd reader may be able to guess why I selected newspaper men. (HAITI K IV. THE MAN WHO HAD NEVER RIDDEN ON THE STEAM CARS. OUR start from Fort Riley was a great success. In order to convince the puBlie that, though enormously rich, I was not in the least snobbish or spoiled, I took my posi- tion on the Garden Car; and, as the train pulled out, the people cheered upon seeing me in my shirt sleeves, quietly hoeing. There is nothing more charming in wealthy people than simple ways. Portions of the train certainly had an odd look. For in- stance, the Bon March^ with its signs displayed (such as "Great drive in tourist articles to-day" and "Those sweet culluloid time-tables on the bargain counter, IQC.") made people stare. I heard one vulgar woman say, as the train rolled by, that it was better than a circus parade. The Indian names on the cars caused great conjecture and comment, one man remarking that he thought these words, taken as a whole, represented the alphabet suffering from a bad attack of delirium tremens. The press, too, gave a great deal of attention to my train, some newspapers refer- ring to it as, "still one more stride in the onward march of Nineteenth-Centuryism," while other sheets, taking a frivolous view, called my train "The Burlesque Limited," "The Funny Flyer," "The Moneybags Special," and such like. One paper, alluding to what it deemed the crazy eccentricity of the whole scheme, wound up by dubbing my outfit: "A George Francis Train of cars "cheap wit indeed! The Widow McGovern had managed everything in true railroad style, and promised to be a great conductor. I noticed that she was constantly conferring with our en- gineer a good-looking fellow but at the time I put this l8 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. down merely to a desire to become familiar with railway ways. It struck me, though, that she indulged in too many smirks and giggles, considering the responsibility which was resting on her shoulders; but then, maybe the engineer had a funny vein which cropped out even in the dry details of train management. In a short time she came to me and said: " Mr. Brown Stone, there is one thing I should have in the management of this train. I need a telephone connected with the loco- motive. The bell rope of a train has a very limited vocabulary, you must admit. A single pull means one thing, a double pull another, a treble pull still another. But there you stop; the rope cannot say another word; and that's a precious limited range for a woman conductor who has ever so many things to say! It shows how stupid men are to put up with a rope all these years and never invent something better." I must confess this view of a rope's limit as a conversation- alist was a new one to me. " Now, with a telephone running to the cab of the en- gine," continued Mrs. McGovern, "the whole thing is changed. There is one fear I constantly have on my mind. Very well. I go to the telephone and ring up the locomo- tive. * Harry ' I mean Mr. Kaboose," added Mrs. Mc- Govern, coloring, "is there a cow ahead on the track? And back comes the cheery assurance, 'Annie' I should say Mrs. McGovern " (my housekeeper was really con- fused,) * not even a veal in sight.' " "Say no more," I remarked. u I* admit that any well regulated train should have its telephone, and you shall have one on this." At the first stopping place we had our first episode. When strolling through the train, just after we were again in motion, judge my surprise at seeing a stranger seated in one of the cars. He had a nervous, hunted look, and a THE STORY OK A TRAIN > 19 icion of some mysterious crime seemed to fasten onto the stranger. What if this man, with his guilty manner, were a murderer, fleeing from the scene of his (rune? Hello/' said I, gruffly, stepping up to him. How d'y do/ 1 replied he ; and 1 fancied a look of relief came over his face. " I'm powerful glad to see someone in this car at last," continued he. " I was getting mighty nervous. Say, can't you tell the engineer to go kindy slow until I get the hang of this railroadin' ? My crony, Morse Hunker, took his first ride a month ago and when he come back he was taken down with nervous prostration." What are you doing on this train, anyway ? " I question- ed sharply. '.oin' to Sleepy Eye, Minnesota," he said simply. Well, you're on the wrong train and must get off." I >on't this train go to Sleepy Eye ?" "Yes, but" Well, if this train goes to that place, I calc'late I'm in the right spot." - This is a private train, and you must get off." This seemed to nettle the old man and he looked ag- gressive. 44 My friend," said he, "have you ever read of the man who hangs around for sixty odd year an' then takes his first ride onto a railroad train ? You've heerd of sich I calc'late. Wai, this is my first ride. I've never even been on a Trolley Ho afore this. Now, I'm aboard of a train an' I'm goin' to stay thar. I'm a little skary at fust, but, B'Ginger! before I go three mile more, I'm jest goin' to say that this here railroadin' 's 'bout the hunkeyest thing I've run up against. Now, do you think, knowin' them circum- stances, that I'm goin' to 'low any man to rob me of an experience I've been a-hoardin* up for sixty year? I'm goin' to stay right aboard of this train, an' don't you forget it. Say. I ain't no deadhead, if that's what you're after. 20 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. This is my spree an' I'm payin' for it. If you're the feller that runs this train, say so, an' tell me the fare to Sleepy Eye." The winning frankness of the old man had paid for his ticket already. I didn't want to rob him of that first ex- perience. However, I decided to have some fun with him, so I replied : "During the entire trip I shall have only twelve passengers on this special train and the expense of carrying each is proportionately heavy, say thirty-one cents per mile. The distance from here to Sleepy Eye is 2,100 miles. Your fare, therefore, will be six hundred and fifty- one dollars." " What! " shouted the old man. " Six hundred and fifty- one dollars ! " " Oh, that includes your full board during the trip," I explained, u three meals a day and a whole section in the sleeper." " Why, my daughter went to Sleepy Eye on a pass," cried the old man. " Do you mean to tell me that bit of paper was good for six hundred and fifty-one dollars ? " u Have you a daughter ? " I asked. Every woman in- terested me then, and I thought of Miss Sill. " Yes, I have the likeliest girl you ever sot eyes on. But about that fare," broke in the old man, as he took out a checlc book. " I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you a check for two hundred and fifty, and we'll call it square." " What is your name ? " " Hiram Slowpoke." " Well, Mr. Slowpoke, you're on an odd train and must expect odd treatment. If you had boarded one of the regular public expresses, you would have had to pay fare, whether you were good or bad. On this train character has a great deal to do with the question. You are journeying to see your child a praiseworthy act therefore it may be taken for granted that you are good, and on that account we will take you to Sleepy Eye free of charge." THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. 21 Mr. Slowpoke sank back in his seat relieved. I was going to say more when Aunt Terwilliger entered the car and marched up to me with an annoyed expression. What do you think I've learned?" said my aunt. Miss Sill was engaged before she came on this train. That's what I call getting a trip under false pretences." I was disappointed but just. You wrong Miss Sill, Aunt. When she consented to join us she certainly could not have had any inkling of the possibility intended in my invitation; therefore she was free to accept a husband elsewhere. I shall go and congratulate her." And as I walked to another part of the train I became aware that my chances for a wife had narrowed down to four women. PARTHENON CAR. CHAPTER V. THE TUNNEL GAZETTE. ON the first afternoon of our trip each passenger was handed a copy of a tiny newspaper which bore on its top the following legend : THE TUNNEL GAZETTE, VOL. i, No. i. And this paper thereafter made its appearance on each successive secular day of our trip, its staff of contributors being the party on the train, while its printing outfit was in the rear section of the Bon Marche 1 car. The Tunnel Gazette was a fearless little sheet as I could testify, for it had promptly "declined with regrets" two poems which I sent it. The train incidents of each day were adequately set forth and my friends derived much pleasure from its perusal. I remember one day, when we had a very bad hot box, the Gazette came out with an extra. Very soon, however, I began to be annoyed at one feature of the paper, and this was the constant succession of adulatory poems addressed to Miss Howes, and signed I HI- MOK\ 01 A TRAIN Ol TAK>. 23 with a fictitious name. Could this admirer be one of the newspaper men on the train ? I might as well mention at once that, after having reached a philosophical stage re- garding Miss Sill's engagement; I began to admire Miss Howes* hair, and from admiring a woman's hair it is easy to pass on to other parts, until you find suddenly that you approve of the whole person. These fulsome verses there- fore nettled me and I too, in opposition, began writing poems on Miss Howes; but it seemed The Tunnel Gazette would not have my muse on any terms, for the lines all came back, rejected. We shall see how this thing ended. Meantime I would say that we had bright people on the train, so many unique articles appeared. One I remember particularly, and make room for it here. THE LAND OF THE GIANT WATERMELON. 'Rastus Johnson and Sister Malviny stood beneath a floral water- melon and were married by Brother Long, after which Mr. and Mrs. Johnson started for California. The ceremony and departure had a peculiar interest for Mokeville. Some weeks ago Brother 'Rastus had read a paper before the Mokeville Possum League in which, after describing the wonders of the giant trees of California, he startled the members by springing on them the theory that soil which could produce such trees, ought to raise water- melons as big as hen houses. Some of those California trees bad roads cut right through them large enough to admit wagons. Well, what if melons could be made to grow as large ? Think of driving through the heart of a watermelon ! A great gastronomical gasp went around the room at the idea. So it came about that 'Rastus was sent to California by the Possum League to tempt the soil which lay about the roots of the Grove of Mariposa. The magic dirt was to be given a trial with the seeds of a Georgia watermelon. Time went by, without any word from 'Rastus, and mutterings began to be heard. Brother Lem Nopey even went so far as to darkly hint that he didn't believe there was such a place as California, let alone that yarn about those big trees. But one day a wonder came about, and the scoffers were silent. Into Mokeville there rolled a platform car, on the floor of which was a watermelon, the like of which had never before 24 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. been seen. Every inch of the car was occupied by one huge, awe- inspiring melon, and the only explanation that came with it was con- tained in a simple card tacked upon the melon's rind. The pasteboard read : A MARIPOSA SEEDLING. With Compliments of 'RASTUS JOHNSON, Grove of Mariposa, Watermelon Co. California. Then the theory started in the club was correct right alongside the giant trees could be raised watermelons correspondingly as great. Each member of the Mokeville Possum League became a hero in that neighborhood and Lem Nopey was presented with a diamond-hilted razor. The Possum League immediately became too great, too brainy for humble Mokeville. Its mission lay far to the West. The sight of the big melon on the car inflamed its blood. A hurried consulta- tion, a rush to the little station, and the League was on its way to Cali- fornia. A wild furore also seized the balance of the people of Moke- ville, and even the pickaninnies crowded aboard the train, to steal a ride to the Land of the Giant Watermelon. Uncle Silas, one of the THE MARIPOSA WATERMELON. THE STORY OK A TRAIN OK TARS. 25 stowaways, allowed that it wouldn't take over fo' hours and fo'teen minutes to reach Californy ; and then he smacked his lips at the prospect! Days and days of travel followed, and still no giant melon loomed before their eyes. Was there, after all, such a place as California? Lem sat on the doubters' seat again and even began to envy the radiant glory of the colored porter on the Pullman sleeper. But one day the long expected sight greeted the eyes of the awe- struck League. A grove of Stt/urias, with each tree hundreds of feet in height and scores of feet in breadth! But, more marvellous, more thrilling to behold, there lay among these trees a number of watermelons, any one of which was as big as a barn any one vast enough to feed every tribe in Darkeyest Africa ! .v -h member dropped upon his knees with chattering teeth ; and, as the League gazed, there issued from among the melons no less a person than 'Rastus Johnson. But what a change ! Something was evidently wrong with the great colored watermelon scientist. He wildly threw his arms about and talked incoherently. The truth was, this vast melon world had proved too much for his mind. This utterly inexhaustible and recklessly lavish display of watermelons had addled his brain. 'Rastus Johnson's melons had come in such colossal proportions that the sight gradually made him crazy. As 'Rastus approached, his wife Malviny joined him, and she quick- ly recognized the members of the League. The sight of them made her furious, for she laid her troubles to the Possums. "Yah, yo* fool niggahs," she cried, " has yo* come to dis yere unlucky spot too ? 'Pears lak yo' bettah go right back agin, whar yo' come frum. See 'Rastus, clean crazy, an' I'm mo'an half luny mahsef. Look at youuns, too, jabberin 1 away dere, mos' like yo' gettin' cracked, too. Kac is, no coon alive kin live roun' dese yere millions an' keep he' senses. Das what de doctah done tole 'Rastus. * (/way ' sezzee, * g'way back to Georgy an' be satisfied wid de small breed millions what de Lo'd provide for youuns down dere.' Den he dun told me 'Rastus never get he mind back twel he git 'way from dese Mah-posies what git we cullud pussons so excited. I done speck dem big 'millions dar am hoodoed, certain shoo. Dey lay dere lookin' as if all a coon had to do was to eat he fill, den sleep 'till he ready to eat he fill again. Dey look lak as if anybody could jes bo' a hole in em an' den do nufiin but eat million fo' de res' ob dey nat'ral libes. But jes dere yo 1 see de vanity ob human t'ings. It's de little fruit das de sweetest, an' big fruit only runs to size. Dese yere Mah-posies make yo' tink de worl' 26 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. commin' to an en', but when yo' bite into em pho ! dar ain't no tas'e. I'd gibe mo' fo' a little runt ob a Georgy 'million dan fo' all dese big no- 'counts tuck to-gedder." While she was talking Lem Nopey was sampling the giant water- melons. With a knife he made a wild lunge at a nearby one, and get- ting a piece, he impulsively plunged his ivories into it. Evidently the palate which had been tickled in Georgia was not satisfied here. A look of disgust was on Lem's face, and, turning to the League, he said : " Ef it am de sense ob de meetin', I now moves an' seconds de followin' : Resolved, Dat -it ain't de big dawg dat catches de coon, an', Resolved, Dat it's bettah to let well miff alone, an', Resolved, Dat de Georgy million is well enough, an', Resolved, Dat eb'ry coon niggah in dis yere League p'int fer home, an' finally, Resolved, Dat de coon who hereafter reads any papah befo' de Moke- ville Possum League will keep to hisself any mutton-headed ideas 'bout Mah-posy watermillions." Then the Land of the Giant Watermelon became a silent waste of rind. Abnormal fruit may do for those who want to experiment, but the members of the League are satisfied with the crop their daddies knew. One day Aunt Terwilliger came to me, having in her hand a copy of The Tunnel Gazette, and holding up the paper she angrily called my attention to one of the person- als on the front page, which read as follows : " the lovely Miss Howes will be on the rear platform of the Bon Marche at 3 P. M. to-morrow, she will learn of something to her advantage. Depew." " That's the name signed to all those poems," I said, un- suspectingly. " Exactly/' replied my aunt. " I wonder if the girl is about to fall heir to property and is to be first told of it on the rear platform of our train," I queried. " Fiddlesticks and cold gravy ! " cried my aunt in a rage. " Depew whoever he may be is going to propose to her. That's what ! " " Eh," I said, quite taken aback. THE STORY OK A TRAIN OF CARS. 27 44 What's more, we're due at the long Sawyer tunnel by three o'clock, the time named in the personal ! This tunnel, by the way, is the one through which a certain bride and groom once travelled caressingly, and as they emerged from the long spell of darkness, the brake- man opened the car door to call out the name of the stop- ping place, just ahead "S-a-w-y-e-r ! " shouted the train- man. " Don't care if you did " called back the bridegroom with a defiant flush. "This lady's my wife." " Now, I tell you what," continued Aunt Terwilliger, 11 we'll accidentally overhear that business, and if it be a proposal why, I'll pull the bell cord myself, stop the train, and tell them to go hunt for a parson." " I'm shocked at you, Aunt," I interrupted. " You don't mean what you say. Remember, if those two hearts come together, they will do so utterly unconscious of interfering with any one else. What do they know of my wishes or intentions ? They are my guests, invited for the trip, and they shall continue with us to the end of the journey, even if they marry, get a divorce and re-marry during that time." The next day Aunt Terwilliger fidgetted a great deal, and, as the afternoon wore on, she had her head out of the window almost continuously, gazing at the rear of the train. At 3:05 p. M., just after we had emerged from the tunnel, she hastily drew in her head, shut the car window with a bang, and sat for two hours looking very glum. My aunt had evidently seen a sight. That night the editor of The Tunnel Gazette entered our car, bearing the blush- ing Miss Howes on his arm, and the engagement was announced. I then realized why my poems on Miss Howes had been so summarily rejected. My only hope now was in the three unengaged maidens who were my fellow travellers. CHAPTER VI. ENTERTAINMENTS IN THE THEATRE CAR. TTFTER the moving incidents, and sightseeing of the J * day, it was always delightful at night to gather in the Theatre Car and take part in some entertainment I gave readings from the poets and can never forget the wild enthusiasm that swept through the car when I recited with dramatic fire, those lines from the Derby Ram: "The horns upon his head, sir, they reached unto the moon. A man went up in January and didn't come down till June; And didn't come down till June, sir, and didn't come down till June. And when they killed the Ram, sir, there was a wondrous flood. Six hundred thousand cattle were washed away in his blood, Were washed away in his blood, sir, were washed away in his blood." Prof. Braine gave a series of lectures on geographical subjects, timing his themes so that they applied to the localities in which we happened to be at the hour when the discourses were delivered. For instance, when we reached the Mississippi, there was a great flood, and whole houses were drifting down the river. That night Prof. Braine stepped upon the stage of the car and delivered an address, part of which I can recall in these words : THE MISSISSIPPI. The term "floating population" was first used along the Mississippi River during one of its spring freshets, and applies to the people living upon its banks. When a man has a house for sale in New Orleans or Cairo, he does not bore the would-be purchaser with such minor details as the number of rooms, the style of architecture, or the character of the plumbing. He simply advertises : "For Sale. A house capable of floating seven miles an hour," or "For Rent. A compartment house, each story of which will float by itself, if separated from the rest of the building." In New York the new directory is made up after the annual May mov- ing; but along the Mississippi this book is not compiled until the town is I IN STORY OK A TRAIN 29 through with its spring regatta, and each house is finally moored for the twelve months to follow. Then the tenant goes on his roof at noon, throws his lead, makes sure the house is not leaving a wake behind it, and finally takes an observation with his quadrant. After that you observe his name and address in the directory something like this : " Kl- nathan Mud, lat. 39 30", long 25 40". In New Orleans the statute book bears many wise ordinances for the protection of its floating population. \\ c find, for instance, that to avoid possible collisions, the tenant must display each night a green light from the starboard, and a red light from the port coping of his house. When the town is drifting down past the levees, three-story-and -mansard roofed houses have the right of way. Of course, the speed element has been introduced, and instead of the fast horse, the M ississippian prides himself on the fast house. That building which, in a freshet, can get away from its foundation first, and make the quickest run to a given point down stream, is sure to be the favorite in the real estate market. This is enough to give an idea of the fascinating quality of these entertainments. Finding that I controlled a stage, it naturally followed that I should write an American play, and I did. It was a great night when the " Burglars' Boycott" was produced. The Tunnel Gazette had its dramatic critic on hand, and the locomotive engineer was ordered not to mar the action of the play by blowing the whistle during the performance. On the first performance of " She Stoops to Conquer/' Goldsmith, too nervous to go to the theatre, walked the streets during the hours his piece was being acted. The same feeling caused me to be crouching on the back plat- form of the rear car when the curtain was raised on my play. While I was there the train for some reason slowed up, and I 30 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. saw two men get on at the forward part. But at that moment, hearing a burst of applause from the Theatre Car, I at once forgot all about them, and rushed to the scene of my performance. The plot of the " Burglars' Boycott" was simple. An actress, wishing to advertise herself, sent notice to a den of thieves that she had some valuable diamonds, and suggest- ed their stealing same. If the burglars had accepted this invitation, as one might suppose they would, I could not have made over a five-minute play. The plot would have ended then and there. But, fortunately, my burglars were not of that sort. No. It appears that in a previous play the actress had said some very hard things about burglars and now they saw their chance to get even. They boycotted her in other words, they solemnly agreed not to steal one of her brilliants. This course on their part kept the plot moving, for when she heard of their action she was greatly distressed, and at once appealed to a handsome police officer who loved her. This man went to the burglars, on her behalf, and told them that a boycott was unlawful, and that they must steal her diamonds or he would have them jailed for some previous offence of which he had a record. At this point in the play, two strange men stalked upon the stage, and I at once knew that, so far as my lines were concerned, they had no business there. My tourist audience, however, thinking these men were a part of the performance, gave them a hearty round of applause. Paying no attention to this friendly greeting, the men advanced to the footlights, and, pointing two savage looking revolvers at the audience, sternly sang out : " Throw up your hands ! " Held up? Yes, that was the case exactly. We were experiencing what has befallen so many western trains. Now it may sound strange, but I was delighted, for this was just what I had been desiring. You will bear in mind THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. 31 that money was what these fellows wanted. Very well, I would give them money. The amount of cash that would satisfy them would be an insignificant sum, indeed, to me. In exchange we would have the novel experience of being held up ! The press of the country would tell all about it, and what is more engrossing than a well written account of a train robbery ? Truly this episode promised to be one of the most notable entertainments given in the Theatre Car. I could have turned a hand-spring for very joy, only I was afraid the robbers would mistake the meaning of my per- formance and shoot me in the act. All my tourists were now holding up their hands, and I cried out with ill-concealed joy : " How much money will satisfy you ? " " Money/' replied one of the robbers scornfully, " who has said anything about money ? I )o you take us for the reg- ulation stage robbers ? " \\'e could only look at each other in blank amazement and acknowledge that it did look a trifle that way. "You keep your money,'\ broke in the second stranger, " until we call for it. What we are holding up this here train for is quinine." "Quinine," ejaculated twelve dumbfounded mortals. " Maybe if you had to live 'round these here quaking swamps with a family of twelve all at it " \t what ?" I feebly inquired. "Fever 'n ager, squire. I say, maybe if you had been through what we have, livin' here hundreds of miles from a settlement, with yourselves, your heirs and assigns, chat- tering like monkeys, you'd learn to think a heap more of your pill-box than your pocket book. We hanker for quinine wusser'n you do for strong drink. Come now, hand up your medicine chest and we'll light out for home, and when we git there you bet twenty-four people will go to bed chuck full of drugs and contentment." 32 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. How could such an appeal be answered ? Why, those men were simply loaded down with medicines. Some of my people bestowed homeopathic drugs, some allopathic. Patent medicines were showered on them and even hair oil and capcine plasters went their way. Some drugs which had nearly laid me away were handed over with a sense of cheerful giving and generosity. The last presentation was a package of Rough on Rats. And after they had left us, we drew mental pictures of that long-suffering family, at last happy, as they revelled day after day in the job lot of medicines brought home by the two pill desperadoes. Joy over a chance to swallow medicine may sound odd, but imagine yourself out on a limitless prairie, without a neighbor near. Then let sickness come while the pill-box is empty. Ah ! You'd dance for joy when, after long suffering and waiting, the curative mixture arrived. You only realize an article's value as it becomes hard to possess. Aunt Terwilliger would have enjoyed the experience im- mensely but for the fact that at the first appearance of the strangers, when it was still thought that they were desperate highwaymen, she saw Mr. Knight place a protecting arm around the waist of Miss Dawes. This impromptu action was too significant to be misconstrued. When I met my aunt after the occurrence, she took up the theme at once, remarking that such haste in people who did not even know each other a fortnight ago, was positively indecent. 'Dear aunt/' I replied, U I thought you were better up in human nature. You surely must know that travelling friendships are * fast and furious.' People touring together on pleasure bent, and all with a mutual object in view, are drawn together almost instantly quite differently from what they do when they are staid stay-at-homes." Thus I tried to smother still one more disappointment with a bit of philosophy. As for my aunt well, I verily believe she was losing flesh over my run of ill luck. tfttftttt MOSQUE CAR. CIIAITKR VII. THE HAUNTED TRAIN. TTMONG the servants on our train were two Moham- y ^ medans and at sunset I frequently caught them gaz- ing up at the minaret which rose above the roof of the Theatre Car. They did this so regularly that at last my curiosity was aroused and I enquired what was up there that so interested them. Emboldened by my interest, they confessed that the tower reminded them of the minar- ets in their own land, and that at sunset they glanced at the platform above almost with the hope that some muez- zin would appear there to summon the faithful to prayer. As a result of this conversation I gave one of these de- vout pagans the privilege to go up into the minaret at sunset and call his fellow Mohammedan to worship, and many a night thereafter I heard, overhead, the ( )riental call, and 34 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. saw the true believer below unroll his prayer rug and devoutly kneel upon it. But another soon claimed exclusive possession of our minaret. One very dark night I was seated in my car in company with two of the newspaper men, all the rest of the party having retired. The air was rather chilly, so I had a good log burning in my open fireplace and the flicker of the flames was the only light in the car. Conversation had ceased and we were all seated around indulging in what one of the party styled " a stag think." Even the train was gliding along in a subdued way, it being at that time en- gaged in passing through a swamp as gruesome as the Florida everglades. Suddenly one of the train servant girls rushed into my presence, her face bearing an expression of great fright. Excitedly going to one of the car windows, she pointed out and cried in a scared voice : " the banshee ! " (She was a member of the race which has a holiday on the iyth of March.) We, of course, hurried to the window where she stood and looked out into the intense darkness. We saw a ghost, if there be such a thing. The top of the minaret was faintly illumined by a pale, spooky sort of light, just strong enough to give outline to a spectral form; and, as we gazed, the thing moved to and fro in the narrow compartment. Three strong men pinched one another and then took a second look. Yes, there it was, without doubt ; a creepy, goosefleshy sight. Suddenly one of my newspaper friends said : " I'll get an interview out of it, be it spook or human being." And he actually started as if to make good his remark. "Stop," I said instantly and imperatively, "consider what we have before us. Search every page of history, every line of fiction, and you will not discover so much as THE STORY OP A TRAIN OF CARS. 35 the hint of a railroad ghost. You will find ghosts in old chateaus, old inns, old towers, lonely moors and numerous other places, but never on the cars of the moving train. We have here something absolutely unique and we must not drive it away by that spirit of modern investigation which has blasted so many relics of the past. To-morrow morning the entrance to that minaret shall be locked, and it is my wish that no one disturb and thereby drive away this ghost by trespassing on its territory. Leave the shape alone. Let it be known that ours is a haunted train, and the whole country will keep its eyes upon us. This, I take it, is the ghost of some globe trotter who is now indulging in the spirit what he once practiced in the flesh a continual round of travel. I'd open the window and fling him a time- table if I knew he'd take kindly to such an act." We looked out again and the ghost must have heard my last remark for suddenly the light died out and the minaret and its occupant disappeared entirely in the darkness. A haunted train!" I could fancy what a sensation would be caused by such a headline in the papers. When, the next morning, the rest of the passengers heard of our experiences there was a general guffaw of incredulity, and, among other things, we were asked when we had last seen the sea serpent and was our ghost traveling on a pass ? \\'e retorted that in spite of all the chaffing we were willing to wager a silver cow-catcher that the next time darkness settled down on our train every one of the scof- fers would be peering out of the car windows trying to catch a glimpse of the phantom globe trotter. We had it thus back and forth all day, we finally becoming known as the spookites, while the scoffers became welded together into a mass known as the anti-spookites. As evening approached I noticed that the women members of the antis were not so hilarious, and I really believe some of them became somewhat nervous. Expectation ran high. 36 THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. Would the globe trotter again favor us, or not ? I sincerely hoped so, if for no other reason than to protect my delicate reputation. I not only wanted him to appear, but I wished him to enact before all eyes the most gruesome ghost walk on record. The minaret rose so high above the train that with a little effort its top could be seen from many of the car windows, and by the time it was quite dark I think every passenger on the train was making that little effort. Never was ghost honored with a larger and more expectant audi- ence. An hour two hours, that little company waited and watched, and all that time the top of the minaret remained in darkness. The guying of the day was resumed with a will. " Anti-spookites," I suddenly said in triumph, " look at the top of the minaret, if you please." The pale light of the night before was again dimly illu- mining the tower and there was the ghost in white silhouette. Back and forth it paced, shaking its grisly locks. A fiery cinder from the locomotive came its way, passed through the center of its body and went hurtling on toward the rear of the train ; at which some of the ladies drew back with a gasp and refused to gaze aloft any longer. I felt as tickled as a boy with a new top, and considered the cinder as beating any bit of stage realism I had ever seen, while fire- works were not to be mentioned alongside of a show like that. Aunt Tervvilliger asked me with a hushed voice if I thought the ghost could allow a trolley wire to pass through it, and, in a wild glee I replied with a paraphrase of Cap'n Cuttle, "If any ghost kin, he kin." I wanted a long exhibition for the benefit of the anti- spookites; that would be my revenge for their day's sarcasm. I feared, however, that one thing might occur to prevent this, and as luck would have it, that very thing happened THE STORY OF A TRAIN OF CARS. 37 then and there. The train rushed by a farm house and as we came abreast of the barn, 1 heard distinctly the loud crowing of a rooster. I instantly glanced up at the spectre, and saw it stop and give a startled glance in the direction of the barn. Then, as I had dreaded, it faded away, and the minaret disappeared into the night. The cock crow had warned the ghost of coming dawn and it had departed d la Hamlet's father. But, after all, the anti-spookites won the day, or rather, in this case, the night, for next morning the door at the foot of the minaret was found open, and on the floor the following pencilled letter lay : 'this Train, ('tidting: Having enjoyed two days free transportation on your unique train, I leave you with the kindest of feelings. Yesterday, while walking the tracks, your train came along and I saw this minaret. In a moment, temp- tation overcame me, and I stole ; yes, it must be confessed, I stole a ride. I said to myself no officious conductor will ever shin up that minaret to exact a paltiy fare, so I climbed into it and took possession. I soon became foolishly fond of my perch and grew haggard with the idea that someone on the train might stray up into the lookout, discover me, and as a result, have me ejected. I pondered as to how I could make that tower so unpopular that both passengers and train crew would vhun it as a thing accurst, and thereby leave me in peaceful possession. I hit upon the idea of making it a haunted tower. All I had to do was to unpack my valise and give a mid-air performance of my * Mar- velous Mediaeval Illusion, or the Grisly Ghost of Graf ton Grange/ which has created a sensation in every one-night stand west of the Missis- sippi, and must have been successful here, judging from the awe-struck faces which I have seen peering up from the car windows. Now I leave the cars, as I have reached Accident, where I hope to give a performance to-night; and if the train would but stop over, every one aboard should have a pass in return for favors unknowingly granted to me. PROF. CANT WELL D. SKA America's Greatest Magician." CHAPTER VIII. WANDERING WILLIE, 7TFTER leaving the town of Looking Glass, (Neb.) I