" Up jumped the three gamblers, pistol in hand ; but before either could grasp the 
 money, they were seized behind by three stalwart fellows , and then the swearing 
 commenced." Page 95. 
 
PISFEY WOODS TAVEBH; 
 
 SAM SLICK IN TEXAS. 
 
 "HOOPEE! boys whar did you come from, and what are you doin' here?" roared 
 out Roberts as he rode up. " Doing !" answered Milward. " Why, we got a ducking 
 crossing that abominable creek, and thought it best to stop at this fire and dry off." 
 " Well," replied Roberts, "you ain't the only ones that's got wet leggins and saddle- 
 seats this mornin'; but, tell ye what, boys, ef ye hang on here long ye'll get a worse 
 wettin', and froze up besides." Page 21. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA: 
 T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS. 
 
PINEY WOODS TAVERN; 
 
 OE, 
 
 SAM SLICK IN TEXAS. 
 
 BY THE 
 
 AUTHOR OF "A STRAY YANKEE IN TEXAS," "ADVEN- 
 TURES OP CAPTAIN PRIEST," ETC., ETC. 
 
 9* 
 
 HOOPEB I boys whar did you come from, and what are you doln' here?" roared 
 out Roberts, as he rode up. " Doing !" answered Mllward. " V7hy, ire gjt i ^.ucMng 
 crossing that abominable creek, and thought it best to stop at thitj f>jr* ftnc . d?jrff." 
 " Well," replied Roberts, " you ain't the only ones that's got wev iegginb aud swidle- 
 eats this mornin'; but, tell ye what, boys, ef ye hang on lieu long ye'll get a worse 
 wettin', and froze up besides." Page 21. * ." 
 
 T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS; 
 306 CHESTNUT STREET. 
 
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1858, by 
 T. B. PETERSON, 
 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in and for 
 the Eastern District of Pennsylvania, 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 UPON an occasion similar to this, I once 
 remarked, that " it was customary for a writer, 
 on launching his frail bark, to jump up in the 
 bow, and make quite a bow-wow about it." 
 This, alas ! is no longer true ; and curt as was 
 the author's bow, it is now curtailed. No lon- 
 ger does he lead his bantling to the foot-lights, 
 and civilly present her to the audience, but 
 cavalierly thrusts her before them, without a 
 word, or even the scant courtesy of Mr. Merri- 
 man who leaps into the ring, scrapes the saw- 
 dust, and cracks his whip, with a familiar 
 " Here you are, ladies and gentlemen." 
 
 Now, I am partially in the condition of that 
 
 well-known French lady, who wrote to her hus- 
 
 (iii) 
 
 922975 
 
IV PREFACE. 
 
 band because she had nothing to do, and hav- 
 ing imparted that important piece of informa- 
 tion, closed her letter because she had nothing 
 to say. I certainly have nothing either to do 
 or to say, except thus to enter my protest 
 against a modern innovation, that would deprive 
 the Courteous Reader so often invoked by the 
 old School of Romancers of a slight but time- 
 honored mark of respect. 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 PEEP ACE vn 
 
 INTRODUCTION ix 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 Creeks and Camp Fires A Ducking and a Drying 11 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 Backwoodsman and YankeeA Norther The Piney Woods 
 
 Tavern 21 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 The Pedlar Discourses upon Smart Men, and Narrates the 
 
 amusing History of Jacob and the Flat-boat Captain 30 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 Barking up the Wrong Tree The Wrong Inn and a Hard 
 
 Customer 39 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 Sam Slick has the Floor Serving Out a Landlord How to 
 
 Make a Raise 49 
 
 V 
 
VI CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER VL 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Uncle Billy's Discourse Every Man Chew His Own Tobacco 60 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 The Judge's Story The Wrong Bottle A Legend of Little 
 
 Creek 72 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 Sad Effects of Nutmeg, and a Wonderful Game of Poker. . . 80 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 The Lawyer's Story Colonizing Dead Man's Island A tale 
 of the Muriel) times 86 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 The Two Doctors Peter Sham Sham Peter, and Salt 
 
 Peter 99 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 The "Wrong Pew Mr. Bunco pays an early and unexpected 
 
 Visit to the Ladies' Cabin Ill 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 Stockings and Garters Wigs and Bare Polls 121 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 Bustles and Breast Works A Row on Board Ship 130 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 The Fatal Milk Bottle Two Truths to One Lie. . . 139 
 
CONTENTS. vii 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Getting a Turkey On A " General" Hunt 152 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 The Big Buckskin Breeches and the Little Dutch Tailor. ... 159 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 The Bridge Abridged And the Pons Asinorum 169 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 '36 and '42 An Invitation to a Frolic 181 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 The Fan-Tailed Steamer A Fast Crab 192 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 Debil in de Corn-field Run Boys, Run 203 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 The Bewildered Corporal and the Gallant Volunteer. ...... 216 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 Corporal Jarboe and the Blood-hound The Pioneers Treed. . . 229 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 A Night with the Rattlesnakes Corporal Jarboe gets a 
 Bite 241 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 Diamond Cut Diamond A Horse Trade and a Half. ...,... 256 
 
viii CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Mud and Water The Tobacco Hunt 266 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 X The San Jacinto Races The Little Hero and the Big 
 
 Bully 278 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 A Rise out of John Bull, and the Wooden Dough-nuts 285 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 Sharp Financiering and Dear Indian Meal 295 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 Sam Slick in Mischief. 306 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 At the End of His Rope 308 
 
INTKODUCTION. 
 
 No Castle-in-the-air, nor Fancy-built Mansion, 
 is this, our Piney Woods Tavern, but a sub- 
 stantial structure, of hewn logs, very material 
 indeed in their nature. 
 
 No creatures of the brain, are these, the 
 performers in our merry comedy, but living, 
 breathing, moving some of them very moving 
 mortals. 
 
 The time of action is subsequent to the era 
 of annexation, but prior to that of the intro- 
 duction of Railways those Juggernauts of civi- 
 lization, destined soon to trample all the ro- 
 mance of the wilds through which they pass, 
 beneath the remorseless hoofs of their Iron 
 Horse, and to frighten Nature's unsophisticated 
 children with his abominable shriek. 
 
X INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Thank Heaven, there will long be many a 
 dense thicket, where bear and panther, wolf 
 and wild-cat, may find refuge ; many a prai- 
 rie where gentle doe and timid fawn can feed 
 in peace ; many a broad league of primeval 
 forest, where stalwart oaks and lofty pines will 
 rear their lofty heads proudly, and in safety 
 from the desecrating axe whose virgin soil, 
 uncontaminated by cotton, cane, or corn, un- 
 scathed by plough, mattock, or hoe, will gene- 
 rously nurture a thousand varieties of wild 
 flowers, that fill the eye with beauty and the 
 air with fragrance. 
 
THE PINEY WOODS' TAYERN. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 CKEEKS AND CAMP FERES. A DUCKING AND A DRYING. 
 
 IF any one is dissatisfied with the chills of a 
 Northern winter, let him emigrate to Texas, mount 
 a Spanish tacky, or cane pony, put off into the 
 prairie, and face a January norther for half a day 
 being, probably, when overtaken by it, at least 
 twenty miles from any where or any body. 
 
 If, after so salutary an experience, he be not 
 perfectly satisfied with Southern hibernals, or is in 
 the least disposed to grumble at snow, sleet, or ice 
 in their proper times and places, he must be a 
 hard man indeed, to suit, or to convince. 
 
 On a fine warm morning of the aforesaid treach- 
 erous month, my companion a Galveston lawyer 
 
12 CKEEKS AND CAMP FIRES. 
 
 and I, mounted our American horses at the 
 door of a small tavern some thirty miles west of 
 Houston, and set forth upon our journey toward 
 the up-country. 
 
 Blue and cloudless were the heavens, balmy 
 and spring-like the air, bright and warm the sun, 
 and though the prairie trail was from the com- 
 bined presence of an unlimited quantity of mud 
 and water in about as deplorable a condition as 
 one could well imagine, yet, exhilarated by the 
 beauty of the day, our spirits rose, and our horses 
 fresh and in fine condition, pushed forward at a 
 famous rate. 
 
 Our starting had been of the latest. My com- 
 panion, Milward, had been detained a full hour, 
 by the landlord who wished to consult him 
 upon business for every man in Texas, even if 
 too poor to own a horse or cow, is the proprietor 
 of at least one lawsuit, and no lawyer who rides 
 the circuit can well call at half a dozen houses 
 without picking up a job and so the sun was 
 well up when we set forth. 
 
 After all it mattered but little ; our day's ride 
 and its termination were all chalked out by cir- 
 cumstances beyond our control, for the next house 
 of call was distant thirty miles, and the traveller 
 in Texas who desires to pay for what accommoda- 
 tion he and his horse may receive, and who does 
 
A PATRIOTIC MELLODY. 13 
 
 not wish to " camp out ;" must cut his <c coat ac- 
 cording to his cloth," arrange his day's journey 
 according to his stopping places. 
 
 Our day's ride barring accidents therefore, 
 arranged itself as the French say. Unless 
 we intended to compel our steeds to a double 
 day's work, Maiden must find us a shelter for the 
 night, for not an inn, and in fact but one house 
 was to be met with on our road, for thirty miles 
 beyond. 
 
 A few moments brought us to a creek of highly 
 respectable dimensions. It had been reported to 
 us by travellers, the previous evening, as in fair 
 crossing condition, pretty well up, but not swim- 
 ming. 
 
 I looked at Milward, and Milward looked at 
 me. We both whistled not " Yankee Doodle," 
 <c Hail Columbia," or any ordinary tune, patriotic 
 or sentimental, but a prolonged, melancholy, mo- 
 notonous note, which is used to express in musical 
 language, that the musician is suddenly taken 
 aback, and has decidedly put his foot in it. 
 
 We knew the creek well ; in whatever order it 
 might have been the previous night, the fact was 
 perfectly transparent, indeed as clear as mud, 
 that if we intended to cross this stream, it could 
 only be done by swimming. 
 
 We dismounted, unstrapped saddle-blankets, 
 
14: CKEEKS AND CAMP FIRES. 
 
 and took off saddle-bags ; remounted, threw bags 
 and blankets over our shoulders, withdrew our feet 
 from our stirrups, and in we and the horses went ; 
 three steps and our horses lost their footing ; a 
 peculiarly cooling sensation about the limbs, and 
 a prominent portion of the nether man, which 
 proved conclusively that if the horses could not 
 touch bottom, the water could; a swim of a 
 couple of rods ; a struggle at the opposite bank ; 
 and we were landed, safe but certainly not quite 
 sound if water-damage be taken into considera- 
 tion. 
 
 In the narrow belt of timber that skirted the 
 farther side of the creek, we found as usual, a 
 smoking, smouldering log the remnants of a 
 camp fire ; and having held a council of war upon 
 the subject, determined to call and dry off for 
 fair though the morning might be, there was yet 
 something in its exceeding fairness that made us 
 fear for the evening. Before us, not a house 
 could be found within fifteen miles^save one, and 
 that far off to the right, and distant at least two 
 miles from the road. So, dismounting, we re- 
 moved the bits from our horses, mouths, took the 
 caberos from the saddle-bow, and securing the 
 animals, by fastening one end of the rope to a 
 clog of wood, the other being around their necks, 
 
MY COUNTRYMAN AND YET I KNEW HIM NOT. 15 
 
 we rebuilt the fire, lit our pipes, and set to work 
 to dry our wet habiliments. 
 
 Shortly after, a snort from our horses, apprised 
 us of the approach of something or somebody ; 
 then, a whicker from the same intelligent quarter 
 announced that some of their kind were on the 
 way, and in a few moments we heard at a dis- 
 tance, the voices and laughter of men. 
 
 " Ten chances to one, now," said Milward, " that 
 they are some disagreeable fellows, for you know 
 the next settlement does not enjoy a very amiable 
 reputation, too many of old Yokum's people 
 stopped there tq roost, after their compulsory 
 flight from Liberty County." 
 
 " Perhaps," said I, " but here we can stop until 
 they pass, and it's not at all likely they'll want to 
 force their company upon us ; if they try it, they 
 won't succeed." 
 
 Here, a shrill pipe, whistling a tune that years 
 ago was particularly popular at down-east train- 
 ings, and known then as " my wife is sick," smote 
 my ear. 
 
 " A countryman, whether I know him or not," 
 said I " genuine Yankee and no mistake." 
 
 " Well, you've served out Macbeth, as badly as 
 the person of that name treated both sleep and 
 old Duncan, and I fear you are no more correct 
 in your conclusion than in your quotation ;" re- 
 
16 CREEKS AND CAMP FIKES. 
 
 plied Milward, " how do you recognize a felloe 
 Yankee?" 
 
 " By acoustics," I answered, " do you hear thai 
 infernal tune the fellow's whistling : now thai 
 exquisite morceau never found its way out of the 
 down-east country, except in the company of some 
 man of more than one yankee power. 
 
 Some years since, a fellow named Watkins took 
 it into his head that his cara sposa was de trop, 
 and so shortened her breath by the manual com- 
 pression of her windpipe ; most effectually put- 
 ting out her pipe and his own at the same time, 
 although of the last fact he was not then aware. 
 Of course another woman had a finger in the pie, 
 He pretended that the old lady departed this 
 world in search of another, in somewhat of a 
 hurry and without due notice, or the payment of 
 proper toll to a doctor for holding the candle and 
 opening the door for her exit, but nevertheless in 
 rather a quiet and lamb-like way than otherwise. 
 In fact, " went out like a candle," as he expressed 
 it, which, if he had introduced an extinguisher 
 into his simile would have been quite true. 
 
 No post-mortem was required to prove his 
 guilt, for that thirst for knowledge, so particu- 
 larly the leading characteristic of my countrywo- 
 men, induced a critical examination of the corpse 
 the first moment an opportunity presented itself ; 
 
MAN "HTJNQ" AND COMPANY "DKAWN." 17 
 
 and besides other singular appearances, the im- 
 press of a certain necklace of gold beads upon her 
 neck, told the tale. 
 
 The fellow was hanged ; and, as during the 
 memory of man this was the first performance of 
 the kind ever witnessed in the county, and espe- 
 cially as the show was all open and above board, 
 and better yet, "free, gratis, for nothing," the 
 major part of the population of Connecticut, 
 about half of Rhode Island, a fair representation 
 of Massachusetts, and numerous delegates from 
 Yermont, New Hampshire and Maine, were pr- 
 sent at the interesting ceremony, which was so 
 managed by placing the gallows upon the height 
 of a side hill, that the whole affair was plainly 
 visible to the assembled thousands. It must have 
 been a consolation to the poor fellow, that, 
 although generally looked down upon all his life, 
 he was so much looked up to at its close. 
 
 It was necessary that Windham County should 
 show herself worthy of the honor of receiving so 
 large a representation of their countrymen ; and 
 accordingly, the entire military and musical force 
 of the county was turned out. It consisted of one 
 independent company of infantry, numbering, 
 muskets and side arms, seventeen men ; one troop 
 of light-horse, in bear-skin caps and bobtail coats ; 
 in all, nineteen saddles-full ; and for music, one 
 2 
 
18 GREEKS AND CAMP FIRES. 
 
 * 
 
 small drummer with three fifers for the infantry, 
 and a trumpeter, who played on the key-bugle 
 without using the keys, for the cavalry. 
 
 On that occasion, a new air was introduced, 
 and Mr. Watkins rattled up to the gallows in 
 double quick, to the tune of " My Wife is Sick." 
 The words, and the only ones that I ever knew to 
 be married to this delightful mofceau, are 
 
 " My wife is sick. My wife is sick. 
 My wife is sick a bed. 
 My wife is sick. She's always sick. 
 I wish that she was dead." 
 
 The exquisite nature of the joke, this playing of 
 ideas upon circumstances, thus brought forcibly, 
 palpably, and tangibly before them so plainly 
 indeed, that the dullest mind was enabled to 
 grasp the entire jest in all of its magnificent de- 
 tails, has made it in our Eastern land the most 
 popular piece of the age. Nay, like Aaron's rod, 
 for a long time it swallowed up all the rest ; 
 and every man, woman, and child went home 
 from the great execution, singing, whistling, or 
 chirping 
 
 " My wife is sick." 
 
 Its popularity has not diminished by age ; it has 
 entirely superseded " Yankee Doodle," and fairly 
 extinguished "Hail Columbia," but has never 
 crossed the line of the Eastern States, save in the 
 
BILLY. 19 
 
 company of some genuine son of the soil, as I said 
 before." 
 
 " Well, your tale has been of the longest," said 
 Milward, "for there they come, and the per- 
 former of your national air is certainly the most 
 thorough-bred Yankee in all Texas; his com- 
 panion I believe is an old friend of yours." 
 
 " Old Billy Koberts, as I live," replied I. 
 
CHAPTER II. 
 
 BACKWOODSMAN AND YANKEE A NORTHER THE 
 PINEY WOODS TAVERN. 
 
 " HOOPEE ! boys whar did you come from, 
 and what are you doin' here ?" roared out Rob- 
 erts, as he rode up. 
 
 " Doing !" answered Milward. " Why, we got 
 a ducking crossing that abominable creek, and 
 thought it best to stop at this fire and dry off." 
 
 " Well," replied Roberts, " you ain't the only 
 ones that's got wet leggins and saddle-seats this 
 mornin' ; but, tell ye what, boys, ef ye hang on 
 here long ye'll get a worse wettin 7 , and froze up 
 besides." 
 
 "I guess" chimed in his companion "that 
 Mister Roberts is considerable more'n half right. 
 If this mornin' most amazin' purty too, now 
 ain't it? isn't a reg'lar weather breeder, then I 
 never see one. I cal'late we'd best be a pushin 1 
 on, wet legs or dry ones, or we'll catch suthing a 
 
 nation sight worse, afore we get to Maiden." 
 20 
 
UNCLE BILLY. 21 
 
 " Perhaps so," replied Milward ; " but being 
 nearly dry, I think we'll complete the job. By 
 the way, Uncle Billy, where will you stop at 
 Maiden?" 
 
 " Why, whar I allers do. Don't you know I 
 allers roost at Calder's ?" answered Eoberts ; " and 
 you'd best come too. Nutmegs, here pointing 
 to his friend is goin' there too, and he's the most 
 owdacious critter to talk. I'll tell the madam we 
 said "how d'ye" to ye on the road, and she'll 
 keep a corner for ye to camp down in, ef they are 
 fall ; but I tell you we must marvel ; so good-bye, 
 catch up ye kin. Come along " Nutmegs" And 
 off he rode, followed by his Yankee friend. 
 
 " Well, well," said Milward, as they rode off, 
 " that certainly appears the most ill-matched 
 pair you ever met. You know what a straight- 
 forward, honest, brave-hearted old fellow Eoberts 
 is, and the other appears to be his very antithesis, 
 but he is really a much better fellow than he 
 seems. His name is Jared Bunce, and he claims 
 to be a lineal descendant of his great namesake 
 immortalized by Simms, and also some kind of a 
 cousin to the original Sam Slick. I can't tell for 
 the life of me whether there is any truth in these 
 stories or not, but he has told the last so often, 
 that " Sam Slick" is the name he is generally 
 known by, only uncle Billy will call him "Nut- 
 
22 BACKWOODSMAN AND YANKEE. 
 
 megs" referring to his native State and his for- 
 mer business." 
 
 " His former business ; pray what was that ?" I 
 inquired. 
 
 " Peddling," replied my friend, " but in some- 
 what of a new line. Tears ago, when there was 
 no money in circulation among farmers and stock 
 raisers, Bunce made his appearance, with a light 
 wagon, loaded with all kinds of notions, which 
 he sold right and left, at enormous prices ; never 
 asking money, but taking his pay in cows and 
 calves, at the usual cattle-gatherings, spring and 
 fall. A xjow and calf, as you know, passed for 
 ten dollars anVi a very large drove indeed did he 
 get together for a mere triple. In fact, I do 
 not believe they really cost him one dollar for 
 the pair. 
 
 " Beside his stock of traps, he also must have 
 brought quite a sum of money to the country, of 
 which he spent nothing, being upon the go all the 
 time, and living at free rack and manger among 
 his customers, with whom he passed for a jolly 
 fellow, always ready for any fun that might be on 
 hand, and willing to do, not only his own share 
 of talking and story-telling, but that of all the rest 
 of the company." 
 
 " But, Milward," inquired I, " surely Eoberts 
 was not mixed up with his peddling ?" 
 
UNCLE BILLY. 23 
 
 " 'JSTot at all," replied he, " but his yarn-spin- 
 ning propensities first attracted Roberts' attention 
 for you know that in this respect they are con- 
 geners; and finding out he was a much better 
 fellow in every way than he made himself out to 
 b e that he was shrewd in business, honest 
 enough after his own fashion, and had quite an 
 amount of ready cash, the old man proposed some 
 land transactions, which succeeded, and since that 
 time they have worked along together admirably 
 in double harness ; Roberts finding knowledge 
 and experience in selecting and locating lands, 
 and Bunce managing the sales, exchanges, and 
 money matters. But if we are to* be sheltered 
 beneath the same roof with them to-night, you 
 will hear enough from them both. Come, let's 
 catch up and be off." 
 
 " Off it is," said I, and off it was, in short 
 order ; and high time, too ; for so much of the 
 morning was already wasted, that the sun had 
 evidently performed half his journey, while we 
 were but commencing ours. On we pressed our 
 horses ; walking them over wet ground, and im- 
 proving every rod of dry, with a trot. It cer- 
 tainly was not exactly a pleasant place to be 
 caught in by a norther, to bear its first brunt. 
 Before us, at a distance of twelve or fourteen 
 miles, the timber was just visible ; to the left, a 
 
24: BACKWOODSMAN AND YANKEE. 
 
 broad, unbroken sea of prairie, seemingly without 
 bounds ; to the right, prairie again, with a slight 
 gray border, showing where the rich bottom of 
 the San Jacinto shot up its giant trees almost to 
 the skies ; behind us, excepting the meagre tim- 
 ber skirting the creek, not a stick, not a tree, this 
 side of Buffalo Bayou Woods. Having some mis- 
 givings ourselves as to what the evening might 
 bring forth, and a good deal of faith in Roberts' 
 weather-wisdom, we exerted our horses to the 
 utmost, and two o'clock found us within a mile 
 or two of the end of our prairie road. Immedi- 
 ately before us arose the first regular hill from the 
 coast a distance of eighty or ninety miles. The 
 hill was not much of a hill certainly, but it was 
 upland, a change of soil, and an improvement 
 upon the desolate winter-killed prairie over which 
 we had been travelling. 
 
 While I was congratulating myself upon the 
 prospective improvement, the voice of Milward 
 who was some little distance behind called me 
 to halt, and look to the right. There it was; 
 plain to be seen ; an inky wall sweeping on 
 toward us with lightning speed, shutting out and 
 veiling from our view every object behind it. 
 
 " Well," said I, as Milward rode up ; " well, 
 and what now ?" 
 
 " Take it like men," answered he. " If we 
 
A NORTHER. 25 
 
 have dawdled into it like fools. The timber 
 ahead will save us some from the wind, and as to 
 stopping at this settlement, I vote against it." 
 
 " Agreed," said I, " and now to prepare for the 
 worst." 
 
 We dismounted, and having secured our blan- 
 kets, Mexican fashion, binding us around more 
 closely and securely than a cloak, and furnishing 
 also a hood to draw over our heads, we re- 
 mounted, and were scarce in our saddles when 
 the norther struck us. 
 
 T$o one that has not yet experienced it, or felt 
 the effects of a West India hurricane, can realize 
 the force of a norther's first blast. Our horses 
 staggered, and we scarce could keep our seats. 
 Nor was this the worst; a blinding, cutting storm 
 of rain and sleet accompanied it. We clapped 
 spurs to our horses, and away we dashed, through 
 mud and through water, until we reached the 
 creek at the foot of the timber, and which at 
 this point divides the coast or prairie country 
 from the upland, or oak and pine lands. The 
 stream was full, but not stopping this time, ex- 
 cept to throw our saddle-bags over our shoulders, 
 we dashed in, found it not quite swimming, 
 splashed through, and were in the timber, and 
 comparatively sheltered from the fierce wind, 
 
26 BACKWOODSMAN AND YANKEE. 
 
 although in a farmore dangerous situation even 
 than while on the prairie. 
 
 From every quarter came the roar of the fall- 
 ing trees to the right to the left in our rear 
 immediately before us sometimes obstructing 
 our very path, and causing us to make a detour / 
 a shower of limbs and twigs falling continually 
 around and upon us ; but we were in for it, and 
 away we sped. 
 
 The pace was beginning to tell upon our cat- 
 tle, and however hard it rained out, we were 
 forced to rein in. 
 
 It was full six o'clock when we rode into the 
 little town of Maiden, uninjured indeed by the 
 war of elements and wreck of timber, but misera- 
 bly cold, wet, and draggled. A roaring fire in 
 the room appropriated to travellers for except 
 upon special occasions, there was but one a par- 
 tial change of attire, and something hot, improved 
 matters exceedingly, and we entered the supper- 
 room ; where, besides several old friends, we 
 found Koberts and Bunce, and received some 
 ironical compliments upon our rate of speed, and 
 congratulations upon our safe arrival. 
 
 Supper concluded, and we returned to the trav- 
 ellers' room, a long cabin, built of hewn pine logs, 
 chinked and lined, with two doors, one window, 
 without sash or glass, closed by a rude shutter, 
 
PROVISIONS FOR THE CAMPAIGN. 27 
 
 and an enormous open chimney, in which blazed 
 a fair-sized load of wood. 
 
 For furniture, four large double beds, a rude 
 table, and a dozen or so of straight, up and-down, 
 split-bottom, regular backwood chairs completed 
 the inventory. 
 
 Roberts and Bunce ; Ricard a judge of pro- 
 bate ; Allen, a physician of the neighborhood ; 
 Wiggins, the principal storekeeper ; Mil ward and 
 I, were the guests. 
 
 Scarcely were we seated around the huge 
 hearth, when Roberts opened the door leading 
 into the supper-room, and called out loudly for 
 "Ned." 
 
 " Now, Ned, my sonny," said the old man 
 when Ned, a jolly looking negro boy who filled 
 the various offices of major-domo, waiter, and ost- 
 ler made his appearance. " Now Ned, my 
 sonny ! you tell the madam to send us in suthin' to 
 wood up with, this cold night. And Ned, my 
 boy, let's hev a hull raft of wood. Here, Ned, 
 here's suthin to brighten you up ; and mind, don't 
 forget, a plenty of both." 
 
 " Ki ! ole Mossa," answered the boy " tirik 
 Ned's a fool, and neva see you afore ? Why look 
 hea, ole mossa, mistiss done sent Rushey down to 
 the grocery arter peach and de ole stuff, soon's 
 neva she see you ride up. Oh, ki ! de mistiss 
 
28 BACKWOODSMAN AND YANKEE. 
 
 sense ain't done gone yet. Mossa uncle Billy, 
 you's been hea afore." 
 
 " Thar, now clar out, and get the stuff, Ned," 
 replied Roberts ; " and don't forget that Sam Slick 
 here '11 hev a dry wizzen a heap of times afore 
 mornin'." * 
 
 " He's the most owdacious crittur for talkin', 
 gentlemen/' continued he, addressing us " the 
 most owdacious crittur for talkin' you ever hearn 
 tell on; but I reckon most on ye's heard him 
 give tongue afore." 
 
 " Well, I guess if any man can take the shine 
 out of you, uncle Billy, 'taint me," retorted the 
 cidevant pedlar, " though I'm willin' to own up 
 that I'm ginerally considered to rather have a gift 
 that way myself." 
 
 " Jest wait till ye get your feet in the stirrups ; 
 only wait till you strike the right kind of a trail," 
 replied Eoberts, " and ef you ain't more wind and 
 
 bottom than ary hound in my pack, then but 
 
 dern my skin, ef they ain't all pretty well knowin 7 
 to your ways here." 
 
 , " All, I believe," said Milward, " except my 
 friend Paxson. Paxson, this is Sam Slick Es- 
 quire, although he signs his notes Jared Bunce 
 and mighty good notes they are, too, when they're 
 signed -that way." 
 
 " Now quit your pokin' fun at me, Milward ; but 
 
29 
 
 Pm proud to git acquainted with you, mister, 
 though ; glad to see you ; been well?" said Bunce 
 dividing his speech between my friend and my- 
 self, and winding up with a regular pump-handle 
 shake of my hand. 
 
 " Don't you believe more than half he says," 
 returned Milward ; "and above all, Paxson, don't 
 trade with him ; he's a clever fellow and all that 
 kind of thing, but is generally allowed to be the 
 smartest man this side of the Sabine." 
 
 " Oh, get out you," answered Bunce. " Smart 
 men's mighty scarce, I cal'late. I ain't made of 
 the right kind of timber, I guess ; considerable 
 too brash ; I've got my own idees about that sub- 
 ject." 
 
 " I knowed it," said Roberts ; " and sence you 
 hev got idees, let's hev 'em; jest spit 'em out." 
 
CHAPTER m. 
 
 THE PEDLER DISCOURSES UPON SMART MEN, AND NAR- 
 RATES THE AMUSING HISTORY OF JACOB AND THE 
 FLAT-BOAT CAPTAIN. 
 
 "A RALE smart man," said the Yankee evi- 
 dently setting out for a yarn, " a rale smart man, 
 now what you call smart here, down South - 
 ain't met with no-where much oftener'n once in 
 a month of Sundays. You'll find plenty of men, 
 now, that's most astonishing smart at one thing or 
 another. There's a Mississippi gambler, you'll 
 say he's smart at kerds ; and a chap like that Col- 
 ton up the road apiece and he's a most aston- 
 ishin, A number one, superfine, double-extra judge 
 of a horse, that's a fact, a chap like that Colton, 
 a rale double-dyed-in-the-wool horse-jockey, you'll 
 say is smart in horses ; but I guess it takes pretty 
 much another sort of a chap to be a smart man 
 that is smart-by-itself-smart, as they used to say 
 the alphabet .when my father was about knee-high 
 
 to an injin puddin'. 
 30 
 
"CUTE" AND "SMAKT." 31 
 
 "Our down-easter's is cute enough, but that 
 don't come up to my idees of smartness, by a jug- 
 full. A smart man must be a most astonishin' 
 keerful one, and know how to lay out the rocks 
 that he scrapes up, so's that they'll be growin' 
 while he's a sleepin'. I tell you, Uncle Billy, a 
 man must not only be most amazin cute, but he 
 must be cute enough not to show it " 
 
 "In fact" said Milward, interrupting him, "he 
 must be an universal genius, and realize what 
 Kochfocault declared to be an impossibility, not 
 only Jin, but also plus fin que tours les autres" 
 
 " Well I guess you'r more ner half right, Squire," 
 continued Bunce. " Although I did not get the 
 hull sense of what your friend with the Choctaw 
 name says about it. I airit much given to talking 
 Latin, now-a-days, though I was a most bunkum 
 at it when I went to school, I tell you gin'rally 
 allowed to be the first best there was in the 
 academy. Went through more'n half the History 
 Sacry in one quarter, and I guess there's no tellin' 
 how cute a lawyer or minister I'd a made if I 
 had'nt met with an accident." 
 
 "An accident?" inquired Milward. 
 
 4 Yes, an accident, but that ain't nothin' on 
 earth to do with smart men it's a chestnut horse 
 of another color, I guess tell you by'm bye, may 
 
32 THE PEDLER DISCOURSES UPON SMART MEN. 
 
 be, but just now I'm clear behind the light-house 
 with my subject. 
 
 Afore I come here, Squire, I used to think a 
 heap of our Yankee smartness, but I tell you, to 
 make a rale downright go-ahead animal, there 
 ain't iiothin under the sun that can hold a candle 
 to a backwood's edication, now that's a fact,. I tell 
 you ; the necessity for relyin' entirely on himself, 
 and distrustin' other folks, and all nicely kivered 
 up by an open good-natur'd face, and rough off- 
 hand obligin' ways, beats one of our college 
 sheep-skins all to sticks. If a man don't learn 
 to read and write quite so cute, he finds out how 
 to meet, and how to deal with the keen chaps that 
 he must rub against, when he goes out into the 
 world. 
 
 I guess now, Squire, that when you come 
 acrost a rale smart man, you'll find his honesty 
 don't keep him awake nights. He always keeps 
 to the windard of the law, but I guess he'll sail 
 plaguy nigh the wind. He gives his conscience 
 a mighty free sheet, I tell you, but keep his no- 
 tions of his duties to the world and his neighbors, 
 most amazin' close hauled. 
 
 There's Jacob B , the financier as folks 
 
 call him now-a-days, was called a most astonish- 
 ing cute chap when he lived to York; and " cute," 
 I guess, is about as near as men in the North ever 
 
JACOB AND THE BANK. 33 
 
 come to bein' smart, though I tell you, some of 
 our true blue Yankees only want a leetle enlarge- 
 ment of idees, and a leetle opener puss and 
 manners, to go the hull figur'. 
 
 Now, as I was a sayin', Jacob was called most 
 a mighty cute chap and no mistake, when to York. 
 He knew how to coax a pile of dollars out of 
 your pocket into his'n most amazin' slick, but he 
 couldn't keep quiet about it, and as he wasn't the 
 only cute chap down there by a few thousand, 
 while he was a chucklin' and a shakin' his fat 
 sides at the game he'd been playing, somebody 
 else of his own breed would kinder sneak up, and 
 afore you could say Jack Robinson, be off with 
 Jacob's bone in his own mouth. 
 
 When I was a boy I used to read a story about 
 a fox, and a crow that had stole a piece of cheese. 
 Well I guess that fable was consideble like the 
 history of most of Jacob's operations. 
 
 They do say, when he was younger, if folks 
 trusted him right out, that he did first rate for 'em, 
 but if they didn't, and only half trusted him, and 
 sorter tried to hopple him, they'd a plaguy sight 
 best let him alone, I cal'late and when any one 
 tried to run a cross-cut saw on him, I guess they'd 
 best look pretty sharp for number one. 
 
 He played the beatinest kind of a game with 
 
 the old Fulton Bank, down to York, that ever you 
 3 
 
34 THE PEDLER DI8COUESES UPON SMART MEN. 
 
 hearn tell on. I guess it all come straight's a 
 ram's horn in the eend, though. For a while he 
 knocked the stock up and down, banged it into 
 one corner and kicked it into another ; laughed at 
 the bank, set other folks to laughin 1 too, and 
 poked all kinds of fun at it. But the old bank's 
 a standin yet, and holds up its head among the 
 first best, whilst Jacob found York mostly too 
 * warm a latitude, years and years ago. One day 
 Jacob sent notice to the bank that he shtruld want 
 twenty-five thousand dollars in specie, and it would 
 be called for at two o'clock. Well, he did it just 
 a purpose to plague the bank, and the clerks all 
 knew it, so they sent round to the other banks 
 borrowin' all the small change they could get, and 
 
 when Mr. B called with his porter arter the 
 
 specie, there it was, all in a row of little bags, all 
 ready, not a coin bigger'n a quarter, and mostly 
 in ninepences, and fourpences, and dimes, and 
 half dimes. 
 
 Well, when the check was gin in, and his 
 pile pinted out, the clerks begin to snicker, and 
 they expected to see him in a most superfine pas- 
 sion, but that wasn't his game ; he was jest as 
 polite as a Frenchman, and as mild as mothers' 
 milk. He walks up to the bags, onties every one, 
 counts 'em, figures it all down, and then he 
 marches up to the receivin* clerk, lookin' 's if 
 
SHARP FINANCIERING. 35 
 
 butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, and says 
 he: 
 
 " Mister, I shan't want this specie arter all. I've 
 took a leetle but will deposit the rest, and I'll 
 leave my man here while you jest run it over, and 
 see that its all right. 
 
 I call'ate if any man ever seen a sudden change 
 in the shape of folks' mouths, it was just about 
 then ; it was most a superfine cute trick in Jake, 
 and no mistake. 
 
 Now, when he got to Orleans, I guess he found 
 himself in a different latitude, and I cal'late it's 
 been pretty much diamond cut diamond, ever 
 sense. 
 
 Most a powerful rough-lookin' flat-boat captain, 
 sold him out a bargain, and cut up a most amazin' 
 slick curlecue with him, I guess. It was about 
 the time when dimes passed for goods, eight for 
 a dollar ; but arter the brokers got to havin' 'em 
 made by steam ; and the up-country folks used to 
 sell out their stuff for money, take the money and 
 l)uy dimes and then take the dimes and buy 
 coffee and sugar it was a mighty cute game 
 while it lasted, but soon run out. 
 
 Now, what sot Captain Broadhorn on Jacob, 's 
 consideble more 'n I kin tell ; maybe he 'd been 
 shaved so clus in that shop that the blood come, 
 or maybe some of his friends had ; any how, he 
 
36 THE PEDLER DISCOURSES UPON SMART MEN. 
 
 watched his chance when Jacob was alone in his 
 office, and seemed to be in a pesky hurry to get 
 away for he was a runnin' to the door every 
 minit, to see if some one wasn't comin' to let him 
 off. So Captin Broadhorn seein 7 the sign was 
 right, first sent a man in with a thousand dollar 
 bill on the Canal Bank to get changed, and then 
 walked in himself, and asked what he could buy 
 a thousand dollars worth of dimes at ? 
 
 " Nine and a half to the dollar," said Jacob. 
 
 " Got 'em here ?" asked the captain. 
 
 " Not this minit," says Jacob, " but my son will 
 be here in a jiffy, and he'll get 'em for you." 
 
 Well, the son come back, and was sent out arter 
 the dimes, and the minit he got 'em, the old man 
 told him to count out to the stranger what he want- 
 ed ; and off he lined it, to see somebody or suthin' 
 that wanted shaving consideble bad, I guess. 
 
 Jacob junior counted out the dimes, and Cap- 
 tain Broadhorn sacked 'em putty spry in his puss, 
 which was the regular, no mistake, fashionable 
 Mississippi pattern, made out of a Saint Louis 
 shot bag ; and when he'd got it sacked, out he put 
 for the street. 
 
 "Hold on," sings out Jacob junior, "I guess 
 I'll take the thousand dollars, captin." 
 
 " Paid the old man," says Broadhorn ; " gin 
 
37 
 
 him a thousand dollar bill, Canawl Bank ; he put 
 it in that dror." 
 
 Well, Junior he looks, and there was the bill 
 straight as a shingle, and out put Broadhorn in a 
 little bigger hurry 'n old Jake was himself. 
 
 I once see a the-o-ter play down tu York, and 
 there was an old Jew in it, and there was a fellow 
 run away with his daughter and his money puss ; 
 and if there ever was a critter ravin', tarrin' mad, 
 it was this old Mister Shycock or Slycock, or 
 whatever his name was. I never see such work 
 as he made on it ; a runnin' up and down the 
 floor, and a pullin' at his wig, and frothin' at the 
 mouth like a hoss with the blind staggers. Now, 
 if any of you ever see it, you kin git a pretty fair 
 idee how old Jacob went on when he found how 
 he was took in and done for, and what a complete 
 rise old Broadhorn had took out of him. 
 
 The police was sot to work, and sure enough 
 they found old Broadhorn. He wan't a goin' to 
 cut and run, not he. They got him afore the 
 Recorder, and the two Jacobs swore like blue 
 blazes agin him, but the captain stuck to it, he'd 
 paid the thousand dollar bill. Arter they'd got 
 through, pretty nigh all the flat-boatmen in Or- 
 leens come up, and if they didn't swear strong 
 about Broadhorn's character I guess it's a pitty. 
 
 According to them, he was about fifty per cent. 
 
38 THE PEDLER DISCOURSES UPON SMART MEN. 
 
 honester than any other man in Dlinoise, and 
 equal to about four preachers and a half. He 
 could drive a nail at sixty yards, drink more whis- 
 key than any other man on the river, and be so- 
 berer arter he'd got it down than anybody else 
 that never see a drop in their lives. He could 
 out-fiddle all created beins, out-jump a wild-hoss, 
 whip seven times his own weight in any kind of 
 animated natur' ; and it was hard to find what he 
 hadn't done or couldn't do, exceptin' to take dimes 
 without payin' for 'em. Well, they made him 
 out to be a most superfine kind of a hard-fisted 
 angel without wings. 
 
 The judge said, that there wasn't much testi- 
 mony to be relied on ; that it depended more on 
 character and veracity; that the stranger had 
 proven his'n pretty clear; that Mr. B.'s was well 
 known, and didn't want provin' (and here, I tell 
 you, old Baldwin, he was recorder then, grinned) 
 and that he rather thought he must give it agin 
 Mister B. 
 
 I guess sometimes 'tain't so clever to have a 
 character arter all ; and I'm consideble certain 
 that there is such a thing as bein 7 a little too 
 amazin 7 smart. 
 
CHAPTEE IY. 
 
 BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE THE WRONG INN, AND 
 A HARD CUSTOMER. 
 
 BUNCE having, at this period of his discourse, 
 paused to refresh himself with a moderate glass of 
 the "red-eye," and after his thirst was allayed, 
 producing half a plug of cavendish, and proceed- 
 ing to slice off a bit as large as a hickory-nut, for 
 immediate consumption, Uncle Billy determined 
 to improve the opportunity, and make an attempt 
 to " get even," as he would have expressed it. 
 
 "Tell ye what, gentlemm, I rayther reckon 
 " Wooden Nutmegs" thar ain't shootin' quite so 
 wide of the centre, in his preachment about smart 
 men, and them that's too consarned smart. 
 
 " Bein* too smart's a kind of an ailment, and I 
 allow we must all on us catch it oncet, just like 
 the measles or the chicken-pox. Some men its 
 constertutional with, and them it sticks to like a 
 possum to a persimmon limb. 
 
 Some men catches it from thar neighbors, and 
 
 39 
 
 
40 BARKING UP THE WRONQ TREE. 
 
 it mostly wars off, arter a while ; and some agin 
 it hangs to like a chinkapin bur to a she-nig- 
 ger's wool. 
 
 Now, this " bein' too smart" has a heap of rammi- 
 fication as the man said about his six-shooter 
 and one on em, and the biggest chunk of a hog in 
 the hull drove, by a long shot, is " Parkin up the 
 urong tree" leastways that's how we baptize it. 
 " Nutmegs" thar, he'd call it " sliootiri yer granny" 
 and it's pretty much knowed in the white settle- 
 ments as "finding a mar's neest ;" but hit's all the 
 same I reckon in the long run. 
 
 Thar's some folks now that's a leetle too smart 
 to live on this yearth t'ain't over safe to let 'em 
 go round alone, and I allow when I war a'groin' 
 up, that I war one on 'em. 
 
 Ivry one knows me, or a smart chance of 'em 
 do for that jofired Stray Yankee went and put 
 me down in the book, he writ, name and all just 
 as piert as a puppy, and I ain't the ondly one, 
 nither, that he sarved out ; but, as I wer a sayin', 
 evry one knows that I wer raised in old Tennessee, 
 then toted off to Alabam, and settled on the 
 Warrior, and then put out for Texas. 
 
 Now, when I moved to a new county I got my 
 consate took out of me, I tell ye ; but somehow 
 or 'nother, I sorter fancied a piece ago, that 
 
UNCLE BILLY AT WASHINGTON. 41 
 
 notliin' would do but I must go to Washington, 
 and see Mr. Polk augerated. 
 
 I'd made a big crap and bed a smart chance of 
 the rocks in my old shot-bag, and I hed bisness 
 to see too, though I might hev got that put 
 through a heap cheaper if I'd staid on the plan- 
 tation. 
 
 Well, one fine mornin' my bills war up for the 
 white settlements, and off I put ; rid down to 
 Houston ; found a little one-horse boat a going to 
 the Island, and then took the shute for Orleans. 
 So on I went to Mobile, up the Warrior to my 
 old stampin' ground^ up agin to the old State, 
 and arter spendin' a week or so among my kin, 
 made a bee-line for Washington. 
 
 Some how, when I come to get back agin 
 among white folks, and to see thar queer waySj 
 my old smartness sorter broke out agin. 
 
 Well, I got to Washington without runnin' 
 afoul of ary snag, and me and a friend that wer 
 along, set out to find a place whar we could get 
 to stay. 
 
 I tell you, genilemen, ef the city warn't bilin' 
 over, that's no mistake. Ivry hotel war full of 
 strangers, and it took so long to hunt up a roostin' 
 place, that I'm "dog on" ef I hadn't half a mind 
 to try campin' out. 
 
 Hows'ever we found what we wanted arter a 
 
4:2 BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE. 
 
 piece, got fed, and then put out to hunt up some 
 men that we reckoned war in town. 
 
 My friend wanted to pick up a nigger to pilot 
 us about the streets, but I was too jofired smart 
 for that. 
 
 Ses I, " do ye think a feller that kin find his 
 way in ary timber without a compass, and across 
 the perara, without ary trail, wants a man to show 
 him up and down sech trails as what is in this 
 settlement ? Jest look at the lamps ; why its a 
 rale blazed road and no mistake. 
 
 Out we put, and afore long fetched up to a big 
 buildin' that had a place down stairs with a 
 counter in it like a hotel bar. In we went ; my 
 friend walked back whar some men war standin', 
 to mquire, and I took hold of a big book that war 
 layin' on the counter, and turned it round to look 
 at the boarders' names. 
 
 Jest as I got it square afore me, an audacioua 
 piert lookin' chap that wer standin' behind the 
 bar, catches hold of the book and sings out 
 " Hallo ! who the blazes are ye, and what are ye 
 doing with our ledger ?" 
 
 "Ledger," says I, " ain't that your register?" 
 
 " Eegister !" says he, " whar in thunder do ye 
 think ye are ?" 
 
 " Are ?" say I, a beginin' to feel squally. " Are ! 
 why in a hotel, to be shurd." 
 
IN A TIGHT PLACE. 43 
 
 "Hotel be derned!" hollers this chap, gettin' 
 mad and lookin' savage as a meat-axe, " why ye 
 greenhorn this is Corcoran and Riggs' office, and I 
 rayther reckon your anxious mother don't know 
 ye'r out." 
 
 Gentlemen, ef any of ye war ever catched 
 stealin' coppers outen them preambulatin' beggin' 
 boxes that goes round the meetins, then ye can 
 appreciate my feelins. We walked out quiet and 
 docious, give a darkey a quarter to show us 
 home, and marvelled off with our tails atween 
 our legs. 
 
 But I rayther reckon that this warnt the fust 
 ner the last time that IVe-been catched a barkin' 
 up the wrong tree. 
 
 Thar wer a chap that I tried to run a saw on 
 here in Texas, a while ago, I won't forget in a 
 hurry. 
 
 I war a travellin' from the Brazos to the 
 Trinity, and when I got to the Atascasete crossin', 
 I found the San Jacinto a roarin' and a hummin' 
 it : hit was a comin' it, " hark from the tombs." 
 Free soil movements was a goin' on, and trees a 
 tumblin' in all along the banks. 
 
 I see thar wer no help for it, so I took my feet 
 outen the stirrups, threw my saddle-bags over my 
 shoulder, and in me and the mar went. 
 
 We war in a awful tight place for a time, but 
 
44: THE PEDLER DISCOURSES UPON SMART MEN. 
 
 we soon landed safe. I'd jest got my critter 
 tied out, and a fire started to dry myself with 
 for I wer powerful skeart about the fever when 
 I see a chap come a ridin' up the hill on a smart 
 chunk of a poney. His little red eyes war stuck 
 in his head like a pig's, his whiskers wer power- 
 ful and no mistake, for ef thar hadn't been sile 
 enough in his fat chops to hev raised the crap, 
 thar wer a plenty outside. 
 
 A little red nose wer jest risin' outen the 
 whiskers like a bit of the sun in a fog, or a red- 
 bird in a huckleberry patch. He war a member 
 of the no- comb society, and belonged to the anti- 
 razor 'sociation, and ef he could ondly hev swum 
 the river with his head in the water, instead of 
 his feet it would hev made a most amazin' im- 
 provement in his personal appearance. Thar 
 war no doubt of it, he war one of 'em. 
 
 " Hoopee ! stranger" sings out my beauty 
 " How d'ye ? Kept your fireworks dry, eh ? How 
 in thunder did ye get over ?" 
 
 "Oh!" says I, "mighty easy. Ye see, stran- 
 ger, I'm powerful on a pirogue ; so I waited 'till I 
 see a big log a driftin' nigh the shore, when I fas- 
 ten'd to it, set my critter a straddle on it, got into 
 the saddle, paddled over with the saddle-bags, and 
 steered with the mare's tail." 
 
A BIG- DRINK. 45 
 
 * Ye didn't, though, by Ned !" says he, " did 
 
 ye?" 
 
 "Mighty apt to" says I "but arter ye've 
 sucked all that in, and got yer breath agin, let's 
 know how you crossed ?" 
 
 " Oh !" says he, (settin 7 his pig's eyes on me,) 
 " I've been a ridin 1 all day with a consarned ager, 
 and orful dry, and afeard to drink at the prairie 
 water holes ; so when I got to the river I jest 
 went in for a big drink, swallered hafe a mile of 
 water, and came over dry shod." 
 
 " Stranger," says I, ye'r just one huckle-berry 
 above my persimmon ; 'light and take some c red- 
 eye.' 'I thought ye looked green, but I wer 
 " barkin' up the wrong tree." 
 
 But them consarned paddyite Irishers is the 
 most owdacious critters. Dog on my cat, ef they 
 ain't a hull team, and a big dog under the wag- 
 gin, ef you'd only take thar say-soo for it ; but 
 when you cum to bring ? em down to thar milk, 
 they'll turn out greener than Buffalo Bayou in 
 September, and that's so powerful green that all 
 the settlers on the banks skim off the top, and 
 paint their cabins with it. 
 
 I war at New Orleens oncet, setting in my 
 marchant's store, when he called out fer his man. 
 
 " Teddy," says he, " did you ever tare lard V 9 
 
46 THE PEDLER DISCOURSES UPON SMART MEN. 
 
 " Indade and I've done that same, sir, time and 
 agin, sir," says Teddy. 
 
 " Take your tools, then, and what help you 
 need, down on the Levee, whar the Madison's dis- 
 charging, and tare ten barrels of the lot marked 
 " M," says the merchant. 
 
 Off goes Teddy, as piert as kin be, and in not 
 more nor half an hour back he comes, and pokes 
 his head in the countin' room. 
 
 "Why, Teddy," says my friend, "I sent you 
 down to tare that lard half an hour ago. What in 
 thunder sent you back agin ?" 
 
 " It's done, sir," says Ted, with a knowin* 
 wink. 
 
 " Done ! Ten barrels of lard tared in half an 
 hour. What do you mean, you scoundrel ?" says 
 my friend, getting his back up. 
 
 " Indade and indade I have sir," says Teddy. 
 " Sure, and didn't I borry the loan av Tim Mul- 
 lowny's axe, and be the blissed Vargin ! I've tore 
 'em all to smithareens." 
 
 Perhaps the marchant didn't pick up the poker, 
 and dash at Ted ; but Ted sorter smelt a bug, par- 
 tickler when he see the poker a walkin' his way. 
 So he took the shute merchant followed, and 
 away they broke like quarter nags. Ted won the 
 race, but niver come back to claim the puss. 
 
 When my friend got back, and sot long enough 
 
TALL SWEARING. 47 
 
 to get his wind, he jest went in, and cussed the 
 Irishers for nigh on to half an hour. Geewhili- 
 kins ! how he did cuss ; beat all the tall swearin' 
 I ever heerd, all to Gineral Sam, and I rayther 
 reckon he kin beat the old sarpint, when he goes 
 at it in good arnest. 
 
 When he'd sorter pacified his feelins, and got 
 more docious, he turns round to me, and says : 
 
 " What do you suppose I discharged my last 
 porter fer, Uncle Billy ?" 
 
 " I'd be barkin on a powerful blind trail, ef I 
 should try to tree that coon," says I. 
 
 " Well," says he, " a miller at Saint Louis sent 
 me down a hundred barrels of a new brand of 
 flour bang up, too and wanted I should try the 
 market with it. When it arrived, the weather 
 was very bad, and I got it in the store, and had 
 it hoisted up in the lofts. The next day I called 
 Pat. 
 
 " Where did you put that new brand of flour ?" 
 said I. 
 
 " Third flure, Sir," answered he. 
 
 u Send down fifty barrels, have it inspected and 
 then send it back again," said I. 
 
 " I'll do that same 1" says Pat and he did. 
 
 About four o'clock, in come he with a lot of 
 dray receipts. 
 
 " IVe got it aboord," says he, " but mighty 
 
4:8 THE PEDLER DISCOURSES UPON SMART MEN. 
 
 hard worruk they took in the plank the blessid 
 minit the last load was on ! she's off now don't 
 ye hear her a puffin' ?" 
 
 " Hear what a puffing ?" asked I. 
 
 " Why, the Scott, to be sure the flour came 
 by her," he replied. 
 
 " Have you put fifty barrels of flour on board 
 of a Saint Louis boat, and shipped it up the 
 river again, you immortal jackass?" I roared 
 out. 
 
 "Indade and I have sir and warn't it your- 
 self that tould me to send it back again?" 
 answered Pat as cool as a cucumber. 
 
 And so it was. 
 
 "Ef," concluded uncle Billy, "a medal for 
 over smartness is ever struck I'm for givin' it 
 to the Irishers." 
 
CHAPTER Y. 
 
 SAM SLICK HAS THE FLOOR SERVING OUT A LAND- 
 LORD HOW TO MAKE A RAISE. 
 
 WHETHER Mr. Eoberts intended to put a period 
 to his discourse at this particular moment, or not, 
 as an accurate historian I cannot say ; but cer- 
 tainly he paused ; and Bunce, who had evidently 
 been watching for an opportunity, seized the 
 innings were they rightfully his own or not. 
 
 Having, as usual, cleared the ship for action, he 
 commenced. 
 
 " Now, Uncle Billy, I kinder guess if you was 
 at a meetin 7 , and the preacher should stop to take 
 a drink of water I won't say they put anything 
 stronger in or to blow his nose, or to wipe his 
 eyes, ef he's considable affected, and's a preachin' 
 a wimmin's sarmon, I cal'late if you could only 
 see sich a chance, you'd up and give the preacher 
 and the meetiners ginerally your idees and views 
 
 on the subject. 
 
 4 ' 49 
 
50 SAM SLICK HAS THE FLOOR. 
 
 You see I only held up a minnit, to git breath) 
 and in you broke, jest 's if I'd got through my 
 stage and put up my horses, when I 'd only stop- 
 ped 'em on the top of a hill, to get their wind. I 
 havn't got anything aginst you, Uncle Billy ; me 
 and you's the best kind of friends, but consarn my 
 pickter if you didn't choke me off, in a leetle the 
 slickest story a most dreadful funny circum- 
 stance when you shoved your oar in, then it's no 
 matter that's all." 
 
 Here the pedler evidently had the old man at 
 disadvantage, for the latter having commenced 
 operations upon an inch square of cavendish, was 
 so particularly occupied in reducing it to a proper 
 consistence for easy mastication, that speaking 
 was a provisional impossibility. So he contented 
 himself with shaking his fist at Bunce, and sha- 
 ping his mouth as near the fashion of a grin as 
 its peculiar situation would authorize with safety, 
 while the rest of us begged Mr. Bunce to go on 
 with his yarn. 
 
 " Well, gentlemen," continued he, " I hadn't 
 half got through with my smart folks yet, when 
 Uncle Billy jumps up with his amendment, when 
 I had the floor." (Another fist from Uncle Billy.) 
 "I was jest agoin' to tell you one of the cutest 
 dodges that I ever hearn tell on for it didn't hap- 
 pen to me, but I hearn or read on it somewhare. 
 
DONE AND DONE. 51 
 
 I guess there ain't many of you here that's trav- 
 elled much in the Southern States, but what's lit 
 on a poor, poverty-struck, ager-shook, tumble- 
 down, head-over-heels, goin'-to-the d 1-starn-f ore- 
 most place called Camden, about thirty miles from 
 that rale scrumptious, thrivin' town, Columby; 
 and if any of you ever had the misfortin to stop 
 at a tavern, thinkin' to get dinner 'specially in 
 the old stagin' times or tried to sleep a night 
 thare, I guess you'll remember it. 
 
 There was a stage full of passengers comin' this 
 way ; and some one of 'em said to another, that 
 " they were only five miles from Camden." 
 
 " Pesky glad to hear it," said a Yankee-lookin' 
 chap ; " pesky glad to hear it ; I'm as hungry $s 
 a dog." 
 
 "Sorry for you, then" says the man; "so 
 am I ; but you won't get three mouthfulls down, 
 afore up comes the stage. It's an old trick at 
 the house." 
 
 " Trick or no trick," says the Yankee, " I'll have 
 a hearty dinner." 
 
 " If you do you'll lose your seat in the stage," 
 answered the other. 
 
 " I'll bet you supper for the hull six on us," 
 says Yankee, " that I do get my dinner, and that 
 I doribt lose my seat." 
 
 " I'll take that bet," says t'other, " and put in 
 
52 SAM SLICK HAS T^E FLOOR. 
 
 wine and cigars too ; for we'll be at Columby to 
 supper, and they live there." 
 
 When they got to Camden, the dinner wasn't 
 ready, and when it was, a man stood at the room 
 door, and taxed 'em four bits apiece when they 
 went in; but they didn't get four bits apiece 
 down their throats afore in comes the tavern- 
 keeper, and tells 'em the stage is ready, mail 
 behind time, and the driver wouldn't wait a minit 
 for his grandmother ; and sure enough, up druv 
 the stage right aginst the window, and the driver 
 begun blowin' his horn a plaguy sight harder 'n 
 Joshua blew his afore Jericho. 
 
 Away went the travellers, tight as they could 
 lick it, at least all of 'em but the Yankee ; and 
 there he sot, peggin' away for dear life, and ma- 
 kin' the vittles walk down his throat most amazin' 
 fast. 
 
 "You'll lose your seat, sir," said the tavern- 
 keeper. 
 
 " Don't keer a darn" said the Yankee, " I guess 
 I wont my dinner" 
 
 So he sot to work agin, and began on a turkey 
 that no one had time to touch, but he got four 
 bits worth out of it afore you could say Jack 
 Kobinson. 
 
 " And now mister," says he, " I guess Til take 
 a bowl of bread and milk to top off with." 
 
A BAD SELL. 53 
 
 The man went out of the room, and presently 
 come back and sot the bowl of milk down afore 
 his customer. 
 
 " Well, mister," says the Yankee, "I guess I'll 
 take a spoon to eat this ere truck with ; can't eat 
 bread and milk with my fingers.' 7 
 
 " Spoon, sir !" says the man his eyes sticken 
 out of his head. " Spoon, sir ! There was a dozen 
 of 'em on the table ; rale silver, too." 
 
 " "Well, s'posin' there was," replied the Yankee, 
 " You don't s'pose them chaps was agoin 7 to pay 
 fifty cents ahead, and carry nothin' away to show 
 for it, do ye ?" 
 
 " Thunder and lightning !" roared out the man. 
 " If I don't bring the whole bilin' of 'em to justice 
 there's no snakes in Virginny." 
 
 Half an hour after, up come the same stage, 
 rattlety-bang, and in jumped the Yankee among 
 the passengers. 
 
 " Hold on ! hold on ! stranger," sung out the 
 tavern-keeper comin 7 up to the stage with the 
 sheriff', and a hull crowd ; some to help take the 
 robbers, and some to see the fun. " Hold on. Now 
 jest pint out the chaps that took them spoons, 
 will ye?" 
 
 " Well, mister, 7 ' drawled out the Yankee, " I 
 guess if you'll only look in your coffee-pot, I caP- 
 late you'll find your spoons. Good bye, mister ; 
 
54 SAM SLICK HAS THE FLOOR. 
 
 got my fifty cents wuth that time. Don't be 
 tellin' this story to the next stage-full." 
 
 Away druv the stage ; the driver cussin', the 
 passengers roarin' with laughter, the crowd a 
 yellin', and the tavern-keeper jest jumpin' right 
 up and down, as mad's a hornet. 
 
 " Well," contiued Bunce, as soon as our laugh- 
 ter had subsided, " that was pretty considerable 
 cute, a most a powerful smart rise, I guess ; but 
 I'll tell you about a man who was so monstrous 
 smart that they do say he never missed fire, ner 
 had the wind took out of his sails in his life. I 
 guess you've all on ye hearn tell of old Wade 
 Hampton, his crowds of niggers, hundreds of race- 
 horses, and hull counties of land. Well, he made 
 every dollar of it ; wasn't worth a Bungtown cop- 
 per when he set up for himself, and most all his 
 work was head-work ; didn't dirty his hands much 
 I cal'late. When he was a growin' up, he saw the 
 chance there was a goin' to be in wild land, and 
 'stead of makin' a lawyer of himself, and larnin' 
 to set folks by the ears, or studyin' docterin', and 
 how to trot his saddle-bags through thar bodies ; 
 or gettin' made a preacher of, to cobble up their 
 souls, practisin' on soft-sawder and human natur, 
 as Cousin Sam tells on eatin' fried chickens, and 
 finally marryin' some rich man's darter, and set- 
 tlin' down to roost instead of any of these, he 
 
A SURVEY AND A HALF. 55 
 
 larnt surveying and I guess he must have took a 
 few lessons of " seven-up" as he went along, for 
 there never was a black-leg on the Mississippi that 
 could hold a candle to him, nor a faro-bank to 
 Orleens that made the first dollar out of him. 
 
 Well, he larnt survey in' and by the day his 
 time was out, and he was his own man, his sharp 
 ways has caught the eyes of more than one, who 
 wanted jest such tools to work with. One day a 
 man called on him ; he and others with him owned 
 a most am azin' sight of wild land all pine bar- 
 ren, not worth a bad fourpence the hull on't ; but 
 he wanted Hampton to survey it, and to survey it 
 so 'twould sell. He took the hint, for he'd been 
 promised the biggest kind of wages if he did his 
 work up right. Well, he surveyed the hull on't, 
 cut it into all sorts of curus shapes, and made lots 
 of all sizes, but always managed to corner on a 
 white-oak, or else a hickory or wild peach and 
 never said pine once in his field notes. 
 
 The owners put their lands in the market for 
 sale, and got rid of 'em pretty quick, and the sur- 
 veyor got a check for five thousand, with the ad- 
 vice and condition that he should cut stick directly, 
 as it mightn't have been good for his constitution 
 to have stayed in that climit arter the purchasers 
 found out what kind of surveys he'd been a ma- 
 kin'. So Wade come south, and from that minit 
 
56 SAM SLICK fiAS THE FLOOR. 
 
 never made a miss lick; the chips was sure to 
 come when Tie put his axe in. 
 
 Once he'd been to the Augusty races ; took his 
 horses clear on there with him, and made a most 
 astonishin' heap of money ; well, when he got to 
 Montgomery, on the way home, the gamblers 
 there thought he'd got more'n his share, and so 
 picked out three of their top sawyers, that Wade 
 didn't know, clubbed together, and made up a 
 puss of ten thousand dollars, for 'em to go down 
 the river with him, and get a game. 
 
 Well, they got a game, and a pretty game it 
 was, too. I guess maybe some of you've hearn 
 of it they call it poker and they played it, all 
 three goin' agin him onderhanded ; but old Wade 
 had the rocks, and old Wade had the pluck to 
 back 'em up with ; and when the four gentlemen 
 got to Mobile there wasn't but one of 'em had a 
 dollar in his pocket, and that was Grinral Hampton. 
 
 When they parted, says he, " gentlemm, here's 
 a small roll of bills to pay your passage up 
 and give you a stake ; and when you kin raise a 
 puss that's an object, don't be modest, but let me 
 know, and I'll give you a chance as long as your 
 rocks hold out ; and if any of your friends here'd 
 like to try, I'm goin' over the lake to-night, and 
 am perfectly open for a game." 
 
 But the gentlemen had got quite enough, and 
 
GOING IT BLIND. 57 
 
 went off home, cussin' their luck, but swearin' 
 that old Wade was a trump after all. 
 
 The greatest rise I ever heard of the old Gin- 
 ral's, was among them faro banks to Orleens. 
 Afore the lawr took hold of 'em they played for 
 any amount, and were owned by the richest folks 
 in town. The Ginral went in one night with a 
 shot-pouch full of money in his hand, and turns to 
 the dealer. 
 
 " Kin I bet this jest so ?" says he " too much 
 trouble to count, and I ain't got time for only 
 one lick." 
 
 " Certinly, Ginral, certainly. Anything you 
 please." 
 
 Down went the shot-pouch in the pot, and the 
 next turn, up come a Jack, and the old man won. 
 
 " How much, Ginral ?" says the dealer. " Pour 
 it out, and let's count it." 
 
 Hampton takes the pouch by the bottom, and 
 out comes a pile of dollars and that wasn't all 
 there was a small roll of the biggest kind of bank- 
 bills come out too. 
 
 " How much ?" says the dealer to one of his 
 folks, who was a countin' the pile. 
 
 " Hundred and fifty Mexicans, three thousand 
 in bills," says he. 
 
 The dealer looked over, never said a word, but 
 he gin a kind of look out of the corner of his eye, 
 
58 SAM SLICK HAS THE FLOOR. 
 
 as much as to say, " I smell suthin', but I can't 
 tell what." 
 
 These bills now was fasten'd to the bag by a 
 pin, and when the Ginral shuk out the Mexicans, 
 he pulled out the pin, and down they all come in 
 a heap. If he'd have lost, I kinder guess the dol- 
 lars would have come out alone, and not in quite 
 so good company. 
 
 Now, I don't know as I ever met with, or knew 
 of any one as smart all over, as the old Ginral ; 
 but there's a man in Texas and I guess he's 
 mighty nigh top of the heap, as far as property 
 goes that would have made a mate for him, if 
 he'd had any edication to have started on ; but he 
 hadn't. Never went anywhere, nor larn't any- 
 thing but horse and cow, and if he don't know 
 them it's a pity. I wish I may be biled for a 
 doughnut if they don't say he salts away his do! 
 lars in barrels, and plants 'em in the ground. 
 Guess I could larn him how to make 'em sprout 
 and bear a crop without that couldn't you Uncle 
 Billy?" 
 
 "Well, but Mr. Bunce," I inquired, "if he 
 buries his money in the ground, how do you 
 know so much about the extent of his wealth? 7 ' 
 
 " I guess there's enough left outside to show. 
 Why I cal'late he's more stock than any five men 
 in the 'varsal world ; a heap more than Job ever 
 
STICK TO TOUR OWN TOBACCO. 59 
 
 had ; though I guess he couldn't shine when you 
 come to count up the camels. Now that's jest as 
 certin as preaching ain't it Uncle Billy ?" 
 
 " Shure as shootm'," answered Roberts. 
 
 "Come, Uncle Billy," said Bunce, producing 
 his piece of cavendish, " IVe got suthin' here 
 bang up, A number one, first best, I tell ye. 
 Don't be so darned sot up about your tobacco ; 
 try mine, and pass it round." 
 
 " No, sonny," answered Roberts. " Mighty apt 
 to be good ef you say so ; but I'm fer allers fol- 
 lerin' the same trail. Mine's good enough for 
 rne ; and besides I've got a sorter notion that it's 
 allers best for every man to chaw his own toback- 
 Icer" And taking this for a text, Uncle Billy 
 commenced his discourse. 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 UNCLE BILLY'S DISCOURSE EVERY MAN CHEW HIS 
 OWN TOBACCO. 
 
 " EVRY man chaw Ms own tobackker" said 
 Uncle Billy, removing something less than a 
 quarter of a pound of the masticated article from 
 his mouth. " Every man chaw his own toback- 
 ker ; that' s my sentiments ; and it ain't bad ad- 
 vice, ef Uncle Billy does give it. 
 
 I larmV suthin' oncet, from a new settler, who 
 located hisself down in our Neck-of-the-Woods. 
 He war one of your countrymen " Nutmegs, 1 ' but 
 that didn't make the lesson ary bit the worse. 
 
 T'want nuthin' new, prehaps ; mout be you've 
 got wind of it afore ; but it jest fixed my frizen 
 perzackly. 
 
 I'd asked him a question about suthin' that con- 
 sarned him, but didn't consarn me by a long shot, 
 and the answer I got, I ain't forgot yet. 
 
 Ses he, "I knowed a man oncet in Bostin, that 
 
 made a fortin by mindin his own bisniss ; and 
 60 
 
UNCLE BILLY SEEKS INFORMATION. 61 
 
 thar used to be another thar too, IVe hearn my 
 father tell on, that made considible propety by 
 lettin' other folks's alone." 
 
 I war up to Milledgville oncet up in Georgy 
 State and I war expectin' some plunder in the 
 waggons from Augusty ; and so you see I went 
 into a grocery to wood up and find out when my 
 traps mout be looked for. 
 
 "Well, thar I see a chap a makin 7 hisself mighty 
 free, a setten on the counter, a smokin' a s0-gar, 
 and a kicken with his heels ; and so I jest up and 
 asked him, 
 
 " Stranger," says I, " kin ye tell me when them 
 allfired Augusty waggons '11 fetch up here ?" 
 
 He took his seg&r outen his mouth, squirted a 
 raft of ambeer atwixt his teeth, and then says he 
 
 " Stranger, them waggons '11 be here to-mor- 
 row, sure as shootin'. What mout your name 
 be?" 
 
 " It mout be Smith," says I, " but it ain't by a 
 big heap ; it's Roberts Billy Roberts Uncle 
 Billy Roberts, the neighbors call me." 
 
 " Well, Uncle Billy," says he, " let's licker ;" 
 and we did, and arter we'd swaller'd and choaked 
 off, says I, " stranger, IVe allers hearn tell down 
 in our neck-of-the-woods, that the Yankees war 
 the jofiredest fellers agoin' for whittlin' and axin' 
 
62 UNCLE BILLY'S DISCOURSE. 
 
 questions, but I rayther reckon that the folks in 
 the Georgy settlements is some too." 
 
 " Some ?" says he. " Some ! I reckon they ar. 
 This ere grocery 's my propety, and all the dry- 
 goods in it ; and my customers cuts up allers four 
 set of cheers in a/year, and one counter, that's thar 
 allowance, and ef that ain't exercise enough, and 
 they does more damage, why they club together 
 and pay for it. Yankees indeed ! Yankees ain't 
 no whar." 
 
 Now, thar war Sime Jorrocks 3 that kep store 
 and grocery down to Selma. He war one of your 
 helpin' chaps, allers a doin' suthin for other peo- 
 ple and a lettin' his shop keep itself; which > 
 seein's the biggest eend of his drygoods war red- 
 eye and old peach, didn't more nor half pay. The 
 climit war too favorable for vaporation. 
 
 T'wantlong afore he got a shirtin' out, though, 
 and larnt suthin about " chawin his own taback- 
 ker." 
 
 Mobile wasn't big enough for him to buy lick- 
 ers in long, and so he must take the shute for 
 Orleens, just to see what the settlers war a doin' 
 thar, and to lay in a raft of drinkables. 
 
 A night or so arter he arriv, he war a standin* 
 in the door of his boardin' house in Canal-street, 
 when a chap come a tarin' outen the next house 
 with his arms full of plunder, and a hull pack of 
 
D L TAKE THE HINDERMOST. 63 
 
 women barkin' right sharp on his trail, and a 
 hoopin' and yellin' " stop thief ! knock him 
 over !" 
 
 "Hurray !" says Sime, " here's the child wat's 
 arter you with a sharp stick. Here's the quarter 
 horse direck from Selma 'ginst the Orleens poney. 
 Hurray ? Hoopee ! yi-i-i-i-i-p" a givin' the rale 
 Ingin whoop. 
 
 Away went the thief, and away went Sime ; 
 and I tell ye, for a while it was nip and tuck 
 titus and pop-corn you'd best believe it ; but the 
 grand villain, a findin that Siine war givin him 
 fits, just drapped the plunder, and Sime picked hit 
 up and the thief too. 
 
 Jist then, up come the crowd ; Sime and the 
 thief war fastened on to one another; and the 
 thief he war some punkins that feller hollerd 
 out that Sime were the villain, and thar he war, 
 the plunder a hangin 5 right onter his arm ; so the 
 crowd marched him off to the calaboose, and he 
 didn't get shut of it tell next day. 
 
 He larnt that time to let the John Darmes hunt 
 thar own varmint. 
 
 Thar's old Bully Wright, that uster run the 
 " Galveston" he's one on 'em ef he didn't make 
 the passengers on his flat chaw thar own toback- 
 ker, hit 's no matter ; though he and I allers 
 
64: UNCLE BILLY'S DISCOURSE. 
 
 hitched our critters together mighty fine, and the 
 old coon never cuts any of his rustics about me. 
 
 Oncet, when I war a crossin the Gulf with him, 
 I see suthin' he war a thinkin' on, had come 
 across him mighty quare ; and so says I, " old 
 man, what trail 's that ye 're a barkin' on all alone 
 to yourself?" 
 
 " Why, Uncle Billy T " says he, " suthin sot me 
 to thinkin' of a chap I carried over to Orleens 
 l&yb year, that come up with me a few I tell 
 you." 
 
 Says I, " old man, if any man iver got the lead 
 of you, I 'm powerful curus to hear all about it." 
 
 " Well," says Cap., " ye see this chap come on 
 at Galveston, and he wer a pokin' all over the 
 boat, axin' questions. I let him run for a while, 
 and war mighty perlite tell we got shut of the 
 harbor, and then, thinks I, "old hoss look out 
 how you come a yippen round this child." 
 
 That night it come on to blow like blazes, and 
 I war a standin' at the pilot-house, and the water 
 every minit or so a breakin' over the harricane 
 deck, when all to oncet the storm-staysel broke 
 loose, and afore I had time to sing out, I heerd my . 
 friend a hollerin' 
 
 " Hallo, thar, captain, don't ye see that ar sail 
 a goin' to thunder ?" 
 
BULLY WRIGHT DONE BROWN. 65 
 
 Ef\ warn't mad. "Mister," says I, "are ye 
 the captin ?" 
 
 " No sir," says he. 
 
 ' AT ye the mate ?" 
 
 " No sir." 
 
 " Then what under the heavens are ye ?" 
 
 " Me ? why I'm a passenger," says he. 
 
 " Then," says I, " do ye see that cabin ?" 
 
 " I do," says he. 
 
 " Well, now," says I, " ef you only dar to put 
 yer ugly consated mug outside of it agin, afore 
 we get to Orleens, I'll clap ye in the hold, by 
 Ned ! and ye may swar to it." 
 
 Off he went, to be shure, and I never sot eyes 
 on him agin tell we war a roundin' the Balize, 
 and goin' in beautiful ; and I walked into the 
 cabin, feelin' mighty piert. Thar stood my 
 friend. Now, thinks I, old feller, I'll make it up 
 with ye, afore we get ashore. So I walked up to 
 him, and says I 
 
 " Fine mornin' sir." 
 
 " Yes sir" says he, " fine mornin', very fine 
 morninV 
 
 " Getting along as fine as silk, sir." 
 
 " Well, we ar." 
 
 "Had a pleasant trip, sir, all things consid- 
 ered." 
 
 " Well, we had, but I sorter disremember seein 7 
 5 
 
66 TOCLE BILLY'S DISCOURSE. 
 
 you in the cabin afore. What's the number of 
 your state-room ?" 
 
 " Oh ! I havn't any state-room, leastways, not 
 here, sir." 
 
 " Ain't ye a cabin passenger ?" 
 
 " Oh no, sir." 
 
 " Are ye a steerage passenger?" 
 
 " No sir." 
 
 c Then what in thunder are ye ?" 
 
 " Why don't you know, sir? I'm captin of this 
 ship.' 7 
 
 " Then Mister ' Captin-of-this-ship,' this is the 
 cabin ; and ye don't clar out of it, and go forard, 
 and tend to your bisniss, by the piper ! I'll hev ye 
 tarred and feathered when we get to Orleens, and 
 you can swar to that" 
 
 "I tell ye, Uncle Billy, I walked off; and I 
 niver see that chap sence but what I give him an 
 invite to fire up. 
 
 Now, when the old coon told me that story, he 
 war in a mighty good humor suthin' more nor 
 common. It didn't last long. We war jest out- 
 side of Galveston, the water as smooth as a pera- 
 ra, and we war a humpin 1 it like a quarter hoss. 
 Afore night a norther ris up, and the way it riled 
 the water and banged us about war a caution to 
 shore-goin' people. 
 
 I war a walkin' the hurricane deck, arter sup- 
 
JOLLY COMPANIONS, VERY. 67 
 
 per, when up comes the old man, and I see the fat 
 war in the fire some how ; so I jest shet pan ; for 
 I'd no idee of tappin' his ill-humor, and a having 
 it bust out all over me. I walked up and down 
 the deck on one side, and he on t'other, with the 
 water breakin 7 over the wheel-house iv'ry now 
 and agin ; and I expected iv'ry minit the old var- 
 mint would be givin me a free pass to the cabin, 
 and an mvite to make myself at home thar for 
 the rest of the trip. 
 
 At last he crossed over, and walked alongside 
 of me up and down, quite docius, but I could hear 
 him a grumblin away to hisself. Finally, says 
 he, "Uncle Billy, I'm powerful mad; made a 
 dern fool of myself, and rayther reckon we're 
 mighty apt to get into a owdacious bad scrape. 
 
 " Don't believe it," says I. " Til go it blind on 
 your luck captin ; bet my hull pile on it, every 
 bit as sure as four aces." 
 
 " Look here old man," says he " the dern no 
 'count, ornary pups hev disremembered to coal 
 at Galveston, and we didn't take in more at Bra- 
 sos than war safe to carry us thar. Ef the Gulf 
 war smooth, and no wind, prehaps I might make 
 the Balize, but this consarned norther ? 11 give us 
 fits. I jest found it out, and all hands is a sweepin* 
 up the hold and cuttin' up every bit of wood and 
 timber aboard. Thar's but one way; we must 
 
68 UNCLE BILLY'S DISCOURSE. 
 
 crack on tell we make Ship Island Shoals, and 
 thar we must lay to, tell the norther breaks. I 
 tell you this, Uncle Billy, but mind, shut pan 
 about it below ; I don't want a pack of fools 
 barkin' round me." 
 
 Well, some time afore mornin' the old pirogue 
 war anchored sure enough. The lower cabin 
 passengers war mostly asleep, and didn't get 
 wind of it ; but the upper saloon had a lot of Jews 
 and sich chaps, from Houston and Galveston ; 
 only old Gunnel Fontleroy camped down thar. 
 
 Now the boat hadn't been anchored, five minits 
 afore thar war_# mighty fus ris up. They war up 
 and a stirrin I tell you ; they called a meetin', and 
 they made chairmin and secketaries, and passed 
 resolutions, and made pretickelar Judies of they- 
 selves ginerally. The hull thing come to this, 
 when it war ciphered up, and the answer sot 
 down. Two weeks afore the old ' New York' got 
 cotched by a norther, come to anchor in the same 
 place, suthin went wrong, and the next day down 
 she went, drownin a raft of men ; and so our 
 meetiners wanted to know how the captin dard 
 to foller in the samje track. 
 
 Well, the resolutions war made, and carried, 
 and signed ; but no man could be scared up to 
 hand 'em to 'the captin. Some of 'em knew him, 
 and the rest of the drove had hearn tell of his 
 
AN AMIABLE INDIVIDUAL. 69 
 
 ways. At last some smart chap thought of the 
 Gunnel, and so a committee war 'pinted to wake 
 him up. 
 
 Old Fontleroy war on his way home from San 
 Antone, whar he'd ben sorter dry-nursin' Uncle 
 Sam's green troops. He war naterally, good- 
 humored as a she bar when her cubs is meddled 
 with; but, bein' sent out among the fleas and 
 Mexicans, and gettin' the ager so powerful that it 
 fairly shuk him outen the country at last, had 
 improved the nateral beauties of his disposition 
 powerfully. 
 
 The committee havin' tried speakin 5 without 
 wakenin him, one on 'em jeest shuk him a mite, 
 and up he jumped, and with a shootinf iron in his 
 hand, and looked round the crowd to "see which 
 one he'd best drap first. The committee resigned 
 in a hurry, and mixed 4heyselves up with their 
 feller citizens in less than no time, thinkin' they'd 
 woke up a uglier customer than old "Wright 
 hisself. 
 
 At last old Fontleroy thundered out 
 
 " Gentlemen, what's wrong, and why am I dis- 
 turbed in this manner ?" 
 
 "We've been havin' a meeting and a passin 1 
 resolutions, and hev 'pinted you a committee to 
 present 'em to Captin Wright, ef you please sir," 
 said one of the crowd. 
 
70 UNCLE BILLY'S DISCOUKSE. 
 
 " Meetin' ! Resolutions ! Captain Wright ! 
 Whar's your resolutions?" roared out old Fon- 
 tleroy. 
 
 Well, he took 'em quite docious, read 'em over 
 slow and keerful, and then straitened hisself up, 
 as if he war a goin' to make a speech. 
 
 "Gentlemen/" says he, "you may all go to 
 h . You'r a pack of d fools. Old Wright's 
 got more sense in his little finger than thar is in 
 all your no 'count bodies ; and ef any of ye dors 
 to wake me agin, I'll drill a hole through him 
 afore he kin say Jack Robinson ! Good night." 
 
 Next mornin' the Gunnel told Wright all about 
 it, but the old man didn't let on. We lay at an- 
 chor tell the norther had blowed itself out ; then 
 got under way, and worked along slow, with a 
 smart chaince of sail and a mighty small one of 
 steam. 
 
 Three days arter, just about daybreak of a fine 
 mornin', the Balize light-house war in sight, nigh 
 onto eight miles off, when one of the resolution 
 fellers come out on the harricane deck, whar me 
 and the captin war a standin', and says he 
 
 " Fine mornin' sir. Glad to see we're off the 
 Mississippi. Be inside in half an hour I reckon." 
 
 " Hope you won't be disappointed, sir," an- 
 swered old Wright ; " but as you'r here, ef you'll 
 
BREAKERS AHEAD. 71 
 
 keep it a secret from all on board, 'ceptin' your 
 pretikeler friends, I'll tell ye suthin." 
 
 " I will sir, 'pon my honor." 
 
 " Well, then, I never was in such danger all 
 my sea-goin', as I am now. The last stick of 
 wood 7 s in the furnace ; steam just gin out; water 
 and pervisions all gone ; and ef the stream catches 
 us with no more wind than there is now, it'll 
 carry us out into the Gulf, or heave us up on 
 some of the breakers about here. Ef we don't get 
 a change of wind in ten minits, I'm goin' to take 
 to the boats ; and now I warn ye, not to tell more 
 nor five er six, for the boats won't take more 'n 
 that." 
 
 Ef ye ever see a chap turn blue around the 
 gills, that saloon-chap did for sartin. In five 
 minits he and his cronies war onter the harricane 
 deck, with life preservers around them; and there 
 they stood tell we rounded the Balize; for Wright 
 told 'em ef they dared to speak to him, er alarm 
 any one else, he'd clap 'em all in the hold. 
 
 By the time we'd rounded the Pint, and tied up 
 to the first wood-yard, our customers begin to 
 smell a bug, and sneaked quietly off. But they'd 
 lamed a lesson about lettin' oilier folks chaw thar 
 own tobakker, that will last, I reckon.'' 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 THE JUDGE'S STORY. THE WRONG BOTTLE A LEGEND 
 OF LITTLE CREEK. 
 
 " I SUPPOSE, Mr. Eoberts," said Judge Ricord, 
 " that you only lay that down as a general princi- 
 ple, and would scarcely refuse a chew from a 
 stranger, if you needed one. I know you would 
 pull out your own tobacco-pouch for friend or 
 stranger with as much pleasure as for yourself. 
 Judging from these premises, I presume that you 
 refused our friend Slick's tobacco for no other 
 purpose than to make a text, with which both to 
 point a moral and adorn a series of tales, for which, 
 by the way, we are much obliged to you." 
 
 " Novr see heah, Judge," replied Uncle Billy, 
 " ye're allers judging and I shouldn't wonder if 
 you presumed a smart chaince too that's your 
 business. I wear plain home-made, cut to keep 
 my legs warm ; and, when I'm on the plantation, 
 
 a huntin' shirt ; but ve never catch me adornin' 
 
 72 
 
FEED KEISLER. 73 
 
 my tale, as ye call it ; when I do, and git on one 
 of them dern fool, no 'count, sharp pinted, split 
 up behind things, that you've got on yer back, 
 ye may jest advertise that yer uncle's done sold 
 his senses out, and that thar's a head to be let 
 cheap. 
 
 " Pshaw, Uncle Billy," replied the Judge, 
 " you're a mighty hard nut to crack a joke on. I 
 wanted to give another illustration of the gene- 
 ral principle that you have laid down, only it 
 would be a little more apposite perhaps, to alter 
 it to " let every man drink from his own bottle." 
 
 " Uncle Billy seconds the 'mendment," inter- 
 rupted that person. 
 
 * Most of you, I believe," continued the Judge, 
 " know Fred Kreisler. Years since, when he 
 came here from the army, he was poorer than any 
 church mouse, and did not seem to have the least 
 idea of taking care of himself. It was quite evi- 
 dent that he had been brought up as a gentleman, 
 and had received the education of one. So a few 
 of us took him in hand, and found him employ- 
 ment in the County Clerk's office, and sometimes 
 the District Clerk's. Fred was honest as the day, 
 and as generous as the sun ; could be trusted with 
 anything in the world except a bottle of whiskey; 
 but that was his stumbling-block. In fact, he 
 lived altogether too near the grocery, and was, 
 
74: THE WRONG BOTTLE. 
 
 according to all appearance, going to the deuce 
 stern foremost. 
 
 In the very nick of time, an old Dutchman who 
 lived on the little prairie, about four miles from 
 town, took it into his head to die, and left a young 
 wife with quite a respectable property, but help- 
 less as a child ; for the poor thing couldn't even 
 speak a word of our language. 
 
 Now you will perceive, that those of us with 
 any charity to spare, had two cases on hand that 
 called for our immediate attention Fred Kreis- 
 ler and Hans Strobel's widow ; and after duly con- 
 sidering the premises, we concluded that it would 
 be better to put them together, and make but one 
 case of the two. The widow jumped at the 
 chance of getting a smart fellow, who would make 
 her a good husband, if he didn't visit town too 
 often ; and Fred was glad to get a home, a good- 
 natured and good-looking vrow, and become, as it 
 were, a man of some property and consideration. 
 
 Things went on well for a time ; but Fred, al- 
 though anything but lazy, could not and would 
 not work on the farm ; and so, for the sake of em- 
 ployment, came to town every Saturday, and took 
 out work enough to copy, to keep him busy until 
 Saturday rolled around again. 
 
 Saturday, however, was the very worst day that 
 poor Fred could have selected ; for you all know 
 
THE TWO BOTTLES. 75 
 
 it is our weekly saturnalia, when all the idle 
 fellows, picayune gamblers,, petty horse-jockeys, 
 men of some little character, and men of none at 
 all, in this part of the country, assemble, fill the 
 groceries and empty their pockets. Fred was 
 fond of any kind of society ; preferred good if he 
 could get it ; but was not very squeamish, so 
 took up with the best that offered, and as he drew 
 his pay for writing weekly, found no trouble in 
 obtaining companions to help him get rid of it. 
 
 We talked to him seriously, and at last told him 
 that unless he went home sober, we could not 
 trust him with important papers to carry off with 
 him. 
 
 One bitter cold day Fred came to town full of 
 a new-born resolution. H'e did not intend to pass 
 the day without enjoying himself, but he did, to 
 carry home with him a bottle of whiskey so well 
 drugged with tartar-emetic that he should never 
 want to see a glass of " red-eye" again. He got 
 through his regular business a part of which 
 consisted in getting pretty thoroughly fuddled 
 procured a bottle of whiskey, pure, and a second 
 wofully spiced; managed somehow to crawl on 
 the back of his old mare, and set forth the spi- 
 ced bottle of whiskey being in the right hand 
 pocket of his saddle-bags, and the Simon Pure on 
 the left. 
 
76 THE WRONG BOTTLE. 
 
 The boys about had noticed this arrangement, 
 and after Fred was fairly mounted, some of them 
 insisted that he should dismount and take a part- 
 ing drink an invitation it was not in his nature 
 to refuse. So off he crawled, and while in the 
 grocery, some one shifted the saddlebags, end for 
 end. 
 
 Fred got under way again, at last, and seems to 
 have met with no accident until he arrived at Lit- 
 tle Creek, about a mile from town, on his home- 
 ward route. Now, Little Creek, as you know, 
 is in ordinary times a small shallow stream of 
 clear water, with a monstrous bed, and between 
 high banks ; very like a large man with a small 
 soul. On special occasions, however, it can get 
 up in a hurry, and fill its banks to overflowing. 
 
 In the centre of the stream, at the crossing, is 
 a large log, the upper surface two feet at least out 
 of the water at ordinary times ; upon which it is 
 convenient for the traveller to alight, and relieve 
 his horse of his weight while the animal is 
 drinking. 
 
 It was Fred's fortune, on descending the steep 
 bank, to find two of his prairie neighbors standing 
 on this log, and allowing their horses to rest and 
 quench their thirst. 
 
 Of course, Fred's horse must drink, and equally 
 of course his master must imitate the example, 
 
FEEE PHTSIC. 77 
 
 although in a different element. So Fred alighted 
 on the log, and pulling out the bottle from the 
 left side of his saddle-bags, offered it to his 
 friends who took a right hearty swig and then 
 drank himself. 
 
 Fred's tongue was pretty thoroughly oiled, and 
 in relating the news he had picked up in town, 
 detained his friends until they were quite ready 
 for another dram. Then ensued more conversa- 
 tion for it is a serious violation of country eti- 
 quette to drink and run. At last they prepared 
 for a start ; but now nothing would serve Fred 
 except a parting drink, which was not declined. 
 By this time the bottle was half gone, and Fred's 
 friends half seas over; as for himself, he had 
 crossed the line long ago. 
 
 I have said that it was bitter cold ; in fact, the se- 
 cond day of a norther. "We had had a violent rain 
 during part of the previous day and all the suc- 
 ceeding night, and the creek was on the rise. 
 About half an hour after sunset I was at old 
 Webb's, two miles beyond the creek, and about 
 starting for town, when a horse that had been 
 ridden off by Webb's son, returned without a 
 rider. 
 
 The old man, somewhat alarmed, mounted the 
 animal, and accompanied me towards town. 
 
 We called upon his nearest neighbor on our 
 
78 THE WRONG BOTTLE. 
 
 road, and learnt that he had accompanied young 
 Webb, and that his horse also had just returned 
 riderless. We were now pretty certain that 
 something had happened ; and on arriving at 
 Ereisler's, and finding his old mare at the field 
 fence, roaming about and feeding, with saddle on, 
 and the broken reins of a bridle dangling at her 
 feet, I must confess that I became alarmed my- 
 self ; and causing Fred's negro boy to mount the 
 mare, we sent him back for the returned horse, at 
 the last house, and ordered him to lead the ani- 
 mal, and follow us towards town as soon as he 
 could. 
 
 We met no one upon the road, and neither 
 heard nor saw anything of the missing men until 
 we arrived at the creek ; but when we rode down 
 the bank, there sat upon the old log our three 
 men ; and perhaps the most pitiable objects that 
 ever yet were seen. They had finished the bot- 
 tle, and it is a wonder that it had not finished 
 them. 
 
 The water had mounted up to their waists, and 
 there they sat astraddle of the log, helpless, and 
 making the most woful noises. Intoxication and 
 nansea had come on together ; and, as Webb 
 afterwards declared, nothing prevented them from 
 throwing up their boots, *r>ut the fact that these 
 articles were firmly planted in the mud. 
 
FIGHTS " CONSTANTLY ON HAND." 79 
 
 We dragged the poor feliows out, helpless and 
 miserable, placed them on their horses like so 
 many sacks, and walking by their side, managed 
 to hold them on until we got to the nearest house ; 
 then had them put into a warm bed, and by next 
 morning all were pretty bright. 
 
 The story, however, soon got wind ; but in the 
 place of executing summary vengeance upon the 
 grocery-man, for selling bad whiskey, Kreisler's 
 friends transferred their threats to him, and for 
 weeks he found it convenient to absent himself. 
 At last, mutual friends patched the matter up. 
 
 One good effect was produced, the trio had 
 quite enough of whiskey for life; and one tad one, 
 for the least hint about the affair, in the presence 
 of either, will bring on a fight as quick as you 
 could drop your hat. 
 
 Now, Uncle Billy, I hope the moral of my text 
 is sufficiently apparent." . 
 
 " Sartin, clar as mud," said Uncle Billy. 
 " Don't drink every man's whiskey you meet on 
 the road, 'specially in the middle of a risin' 
 creek." 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 SAD EFFECTS OF NUTMEG, AND A WONDERFUL GAME OF 
 POKER. 
 
 " BUT I tell ye, Judge," continued Uncle Billy, 
 " hit's a blessin' them chaps knew what bit 'em ; 
 J t ain't every day that men's so wise. 
 
 I got onto a boat oncet at Nachitoches, and the 
 first man I sot eyes on war a little, long, thin, old, 
 shrivel-face, dried-up, coast Frenchman. He war 
 a settin' in the social hall when I went aboard, 
 and looked just 's if he'd swaller'd a rail, and 
 shrunk to it. He must hev had a holler some- 
 whar in his legs to cache all the pervisions he tuk 
 in ; for ef you could ondly hev seed him at the 
 table, you'd hev sot him down fer a nateral phe- 
 losopher a tryin' a series of speriments, to find out 
 how much a man would hold. 
 
 Well, as I war sayin', this chap war the first 
 man I took notice on. He and three others were t 
 a playin' uker, and a goin' it in on the groceries 
 
 with a perfect looseness. 
 80 
 
FAVORABLE OPERATION OF GROCERIES. 81 
 
 Iv'ry little while they'd yell out " uker," and 
 then all hands fired up, tell afore midnight they 
 war all rayther above par ; and I reckon when 
 they toted the old one off to bed and rolled him 
 in, he didn't know whether he war in his berth er 
 in his infancy. 
 
 I war a stirrin' mighty soon next mornin', and 
 no wonder, fer the boat war so full that I had to 
 camp down on the biler deck, and long afore sun- 
 up I see old Frenchy a thunderin' round to get the 
 bar-keeper started. 
 
 Thinks I, " old stud, ef you'd any idee last night 
 how dry you'd a been this mornin', you'd hev tuk 
 a small sprinklin' more afore ye vamosed." 
 
 He looked mighty like the gin-cocktail the bar- 
 keeper mixed up fer him, and that war down in 
 the mouth, in three shakes of a dog's tail, by the 
 watch ; then tuk another to keep that straight, 
 and 't warn't long afore the groceries begin to 
 oparate. 
 
 "Musher Barkeep," says he, "you sail hev ze 
 bontay to telle me vat make me so sou no, sow ; 
 vat you call heem teps-up, ear-a-sore, how you 
 call heem, lass night ? ah ha !" 
 
 " Well, sir, I reckon it mought be the brandy/' 
 
 " Sakray ! no, Musher, I vas leeve in la France, 
 and vas drink ze brandy every day, all ze time, 
 6 
 
82 SAD EFFECTS OF NUTMEG. 
 
 and it nevair make me teps-up no, nevair, 
 Jamay." 
 
 " Oh, ef ifc warn't the brandy it mought hev 
 been the sugar. Sweetnin' in lickers is mighty 
 onholsum." 
 
 * Oh no, Musher ; I make ze sucre mineself, 
 and it not tostify pairsonnfe no nevair, Jamay." 
 
 " Oh, very well sir ; you know best. Suppose 
 we call it the water, then ; hit's oncommon movin' 
 to strangers in these parts." 
 
 " Va-at, ze watair ? No, no, NO, Musher. / I vas 
 leeve on ze Missipissi, and I vas drenk ze Missi- 
 pissi watair avry day and vas leeve on ze Kiv- 
 aire Rouge, and I drink zat watair avery day, and 
 it's entarema empossibe to make pairsonne teps- 
 up. - You mus make fun wiz me." 
 
 " No siree. I ain't pokin' fun at ye ; but thar 
 warn't anythin' else in your licker, ondly the nut- 
 meg." 
 
 " Ah ha ! I got heem ze notmeeg ze sackray 
 villain notmeg. Musher Bar-keep you nevair put 
 him in my likair again ; no, nevair, Jamay." 
 
 Thinks I, " old stud ! I rayther reckon you're a 
 barkin' up the wrong tree ; hit all come from that 
 consarned uker." And I tell you. Judge, ef thar 
 warn't no sech things as keerds, thar wouldn't be 
 a quart of whiskey drunk in this Texas, whar 
 thar is a barrel now. Bern my skin, ef they ain't 
 
JACKS VERSUS ACES. - 83 
 
 at the bottom of mighty nigh all the mischief 
 agoin'. 
 
 Thar'd be a heap of fun, now Judge, in playin' 
 keerds, ef you could only win all along ; but some- 
 how a nuther, ef ye try it, ye're pretty sure to get 
 yer pile raked down afore ye quit. 
 
 Ef ye're a fitin 3 the tiger, ye may swar ye'll get 
 scratched tell the blood comes ; ef ye try poker, 
 ? t won't be long afore ye're a buttin 7 yer head 
 agin four white aces, and with four kings in yer 
 own hand, prehaps ; for them no 'count chaps 
 that foller poker for a livin' is mighty apt to 
 wring in a cold deck, ef they can't stock the one 
 ye're a playin' with ; and if ye're sot down to 
 uker, a playin 7 for fun and whiskey, all hands is 
 mighty apt to get ukered in the eend. 
 
 Them up-river chaps, now, that's fetched up on 
 "seven-up" and "shoe-maker's loo," ain't a bit 
 fond of uker, some how er nuther it don't set well 
 on thar stomachs to see the Jack take the ace ; 
 hit's kind of onnateral, and they're sorter skear'd 
 at it. 
 
 I heer'd one of 'em advisin' his son, who war 
 bound for Orleens, with a load of corn and taters, 
 in a broadhorn. 
 
 " ]STow, Ike," says he, " what iver ye do, don't 
 hev nuthin' to say to that new game they've skeart 
 up down thar, whar the Jack takes the ace ; don't 
 
84 SAD EFFECTS OF NUTMEG. 
 
 ye tech it; hit's clear agin nater. They tried me 
 . on poker, but they couldn't shine ; then they 
 fetched on loo, but I war thar ; arter that they set 
 out to get me under at old-sledge, but I gin 
 7 em fits Erectly, but when they went inter that 
 dern mean, no 'count uker, I holler'd pretty spry, 
 I tell you." 
 
 I see a mighty funny poker game oncet on the 
 Massasip, a goin' up from Orleens. 
 
 Thar war four old coast Frenchmen, all sugar- 
 planters, just sold thar crap and got thar pockets 
 full of rocks. They went it strong, I tell ye. 
 They'd got their backs and tails both up. Captain 
 Whiskey had got a powerful grip on 'em, and 
 ef they warn't a humpin it, " hark from the 
 toombs." 
 
 At last they went to the bar, to stretch thar 
 legs and wood-up ; and while they war gone I 
 see a mischievious lookin' chap a changin' thar 
 papers. 
 
 "Keep shady," says he, a winkin' to us that 
 were standin' round the table, " and you'll see the 
 old boy riz Erectly." 
 
 Back come the old chaps, the keerds war dealt 
 round, and I see thar eyes a snappin', but all a 
 tryin' to look powerful solemn. 
 
 A " blind" war bet, and up spoke the next 
 hand. 
 
STRONG HANDS. 85 
 
 " I see ze blind am four beets bettair." 
 
 " I see zat a go fife dollar." 
 
 " Twenty bettair zan you ah ha !" 
 
 " Sacray toenails ! von hunder bettair zan 
 you." 
 
 Oh ginger! such a shellin* out as thar war to be 
 shua ; and when the dimes run dry, they drawed 
 drafts on Orleens, and give notes tell they'd bet 
 all they war worth, and when the hand was called, 
 ivry man Jack slaps down four white aces, and 
 dove fer the pile ; and sech a yellin' and cursing 
 and sackrayin' as thar war when they diskivered 
 how they'd been sold. 
 
 The deck on the table were all aces, and as it 
 were half deck poker they were playin', ivry man 
 got five aces, and thinkin 7 another ace had crawled 
 into the pack somehow, they all cached one, and 
 kept the others. 
 
 One run fer his pistols, another pulls out his 
 knife, and ef they'd ondly diskivered who sarved 
 'em out, thar'd a been a mighty small chaince for 
 him ; but they went on so that the captin had to 
 interfere, and shut 'em up. 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY COLONIZING DEAD MAN'S 
 
 ISLAND A TALE OF THE MURRELL TIMES. 
 
 " YOUR story, Mr. Roberts," said Milward, 
 " brings to my mind a strange transaction that I 
 witnessed upon the same river. It was not 
 very long after the crusade against professional 
 gamblers had been prosecuted so vigorously 
 in all the lower towns, and the scamps no longer 
 carried so high a hand as they had done. It was 
 not over safe to attract the attention of officers or 
 passengers by plucking their pigeons too incau- 
 tiously, except perhaps upon such boats as were 
 owned by gamblers, of which indeed there were 
 more than one. 
 
 I was descending the river in the old Thun- ^ 
 derer, one of the finest boats that I have ever . 
 seen. She met with a shocking fate the next I 
 
 year, being destroyed by fire, and of her passen- i 
 86 
 
 j 
 
UP TO TRAP. 87 
 
 sengers, numbering nearly three hundred, but 
 few escaped. 
 
 My room-mate was a very bright young fellow, 
 a New Yorker, out upon a collecting tour for his 
 employers, and, as a game of uker, that I played 
 with him for amusement convinced me, a very 
 skilful but honorable and gentlemanly player. 
 
 He was returning to New Orleans, with a con- 
 siderable sum of money that he had collected for 
 the house he was attached to in New York ; and I 
 thought it proper to give him a word of warning 
 about playing for money at all, and especially with 
 strangers on board of a steamboat. 
 
 He, however, laughed at my caution ; said that 
 this was not his first southern trip ; that when last 
 winter he went up the river, he fell in with a 
 gambler who seemed to have taken a fancy to 
 him, and who appeared to know all the principal 
 tricks and marks of cards. 
 
 He added, that as to these tricks, he had not 
 the dexterity required to play them off, nor would 
 he do so if he had, but yet was able to detect 
 them in a moment ; and that playing a straight- 
 forward open game himself, with plenty of money 
 and unflinching nerve, he had always the advan- 
 tage of gamblers so much of their attention 
 being taken up by stocking the cards, and when 
 
88 COLONIZING DEAD MAN'S ISLAND. 
 
 their plans were defeated, being always annoyed 
 and thrown off from their play. 
 
 He farther said, that against the gamblers he 
 entertained a particular spite, as his brother some 
 years since had been' nearly ruined by them, when 
 on a business trip similar to his own; and that 
 although he never sought a game of poker, he also 
 but seldom declined it. 
 
 I still urged upon him the great danger to 
 which he exposed himself, but he laughed at my 
 advice, and finally called my attention to three 
 persons then in the cabin, who he said he was 
 morally certain came on board for no other pur- 
 pose than to bleed him ; and, added he, " they 
 shall have the chance." 
 
 Of course there was nothing more to be said by 
 me, and before night he had gently slipped into 
 the sporting gentlemen's net as they supposed 
 and was playing a quiet game, with moderate 
 stakes. 
 
 I watched the game very closely. It was evi- 
 dent, that although apparently playing each for 
 himself, it was a joint business after all among 
 the chevaliers d'industrie ; and after the game had 
 lasted for a couple of hours or so, when the bet- 
 ting ran at all high, there was but one hand oppo- 
 sed to my room-mate in any one deal, and that one 
 proved invariably the strongest of the three. 
 
NO, YOU DON T. 89 
 
 For some time after the commencement of the 
 play, the gamblers evidently intended their pigeon 
 should win, but they need not have taken the 
 trouble, for win he did and would. As he had 
 said, he had nerve enough for anything ; plenty of 
 money, knew when to press his play, and when, 
 from the run of the cards against him, to keep in 
 shore. 
 
 Presently one of the gamblers proposed to go to 
 the bar and procure a new pack of cards. 
 
 " No sir !" replied my friend, " I prefer waiting 
 until some one comes along whom we can send 
 for them." 
 
 " Do you suppose that I am going to run any 
 game on you, sir ?" demanded the gambler, in the 
 " Ancient Pistol" style. 
 
 " No," was the quiet reply ; " I know you are 
 not." 
 
 After this there were no more attempts at 
 careless playing. The three did their best, but 
 continued to lose. 
 
 Supper time drew near, and the game was 
 necessarily discontinued for a time. The three 
 went forward, but I kept my eyes upon them, and 
 observed the party assembled on the hurricane 
 deck, at the stern of the boat evidently enga- 
 ged in animated conversation. Of this I informed 
 my friend, and advised him to break off the game 
 
90 COLONIZING DEAD MAN*S ISLAND. 
 
 where it was ; but no, he would not hear a word 
 of quitting them or frightening them off. 
 
 After supper they went at it again with a much 
 higher ante, and the betting proportionately 
 increased. Many of the passengers were assem- 
 bled around the table watching the game with 
 interest, and evidently to the great annoyance of 
 the sporting gentlemen, who made as many 
 remarks, and hinted quite as broadly as they 
 dared about intrusion ; but as I have before 
 remarked, their day of rule was over, and they 
 dared not, upon any ordinary occasion exhibit 
 that insolence, which, backed by their ever-ready 
 weapons, had made them feared, dreaded, and too 
 often submitted to, upon the river boats. 
 
 Among the spectators was a tall, portly gentle- 
 man, of a very dignified and commanding appear- 
 ance ; who, after intently watching the game for 
 some time, gave me a quiet hint that he had 
 something to say in private; and then walked out 
 upon the guards of the boat. 
 
 " Is that young man a friend of yours ?" asked 
 he. 
 
 I told him all that I knew of him in a few 
 words. 
 
 " Well, sir," said he, " it's a bad business that 
 he is engaged in ; yet he seems to be a fine, hon- 
 est fellow, plays fairly, and I think the best game 
 
MAKE READY. 91 
 
 of poker that I have ever seen, but he is playing 
 with three of the greatest scoundrels unhung ; they 
 do not know me I think, but I do them ; and it 
 will be a black day for the rascals, when I find 
 them ashore in my State. They will play him 
 some cantrip yet, mark my words ; there is noth- 
 ing that they are not up to ; and even if his purse 
 escape their clutches to-night, and there is no 
 other way of fingering his money, they will rob 
 him, if allowed to remain on board the boat ; but 
 that I will see to. Have you enough interest in 
 the young man to remain by the table with me as 
 long as they may continue to play ?" 
 
 I replied that I had. 
 
 " Are you armed ?" asked he. 
 
 " A case of pistols in my state-room," an- 
 swered I. 
 
 " Get them, then," said he, "and meet me at the 
 table in a few minutes. I wish to speak to the 
 captain and clerk." 
 
 For half an hour longer this game went on as 
 usual; but at last, one of the gamblers, whose 
 turn it was to deal, dropped the cards upon the 
 floor and, I was very sure, changed them for 
 another pack, probably kept ready under a hand- 
 kerchief which was in his lap. My dignified 
 friend gave me a look, and then placed himself in 
 such a position that the gambler could not remove 
 
92 COLONIZING DEAD MAN J S ISLAND. 
 
 or conceal the first pack without being seen, if it 
 were indeed beneath the handkerchief, as I sup- 
 posed. 
 
 This manoeuvre had not escaped the notice of 
 my acute friend, who chose to let it pass for the 
 moment, not intending to bet on any hand, how- 
 ever good it might be, that he should hold this 
 deal^as he afterwards told me : the most determi- 
 ned man, however, cannot always resist tempta- 
 tion. 
 
 As he took up his cards I saw them he had 
 four aces (an invincible) dealt to him, as I 
 thought at the time, by mistake ; but the after- 
 betting puzzled me. 
 
 They had been playing for an ante of ten dol- 
 lars, each putting up the whole pool in turn ; the 
 oldest hand had put up a " blind" of fifty dollars, 
 arid it was my friend's first say. He " saw" the 
 blind that is, he laid down one hundred dollars, 
 and then bet two hundred " better" a capital play, 
 and one very likely to be mistaken by his oppo- 
 nents for a " bluff." The next hand " passed," 
 and then drew his card ; the dealer then " saw" 
 the bet, and also bet two hundred dollars " bet- 
 ter." 
 
 Now, it was the oldest hand's turn ; he had 
 passed the first " say" by " going blind." He did 
 not "make his blind good," but threw up his 
 
A STRONG GAME. 93 
 
 cards, and the contest was between the New 
 Yorker and the Gambler. At this juncture you 
 will perceive there were on the table seven hun- 
 dred and ten dollars, and it was the New Yorker's 
 turn. He appeared in deep thought for a mo- 
 ment, examined his hand, studied it, took out a 
 pocket-book, and not finding what he wanted, un- 
 buttoned his vest, and after some time, pulled out 
 a money-belt, and took from it several bills. 
 
 "I will cover your bet, and bet you a thousand 
 and forty-five dollars more," said he at last, as 
 cool as a cucumber. 
 
 "And what's the forty-five for?" asked "Legs." 
 
 4 'If you 'see' my bet, it will make even mo- 
 ney," answered " New York." 
 
 It was now the Gambler's chance, and he 
 seemed very much excited, and his companions 
 particularly fidgetty ; he drew a roll of bills from 
 his pocket, then asked his right hand man for the 
 tobacco ; it was handed to him under the table, 
 and then he made his bet. 
 
 " I believe you're bluffing me, hoss, and have a 
 good mind to call you," said he, " but I won't, 
 here ; I'll ' see' your bet, and go five hundred 
 more." 
 
 The game was becoming very exciting, and at 
 this moment I saw my dignified new acquaintance 
 
94: COLONIZING DEAD MAN 7 S ISLAND. 
 
 give a slight nod to the clerk of the boat, and the 
 latter walked out upon the guards. 
 
 " New York" was counting his money. " See 
 your five hundred, and go another thousand," said 
 he, laying down three bills of the old United 
 States Bank. 
 
 " Legs" examined the money, looked very criti- 
 cally at the pile of bills the New Yorker had by 
 his side, which were seemingly of small amount, 
 took a critical survey of the money-belt, consulted 
 his companion's eyes, and then said with a hateful 
 sneer 
 
 " "Well, sir, here's your thousand, and that 
 makes six thousand, on the table. Nice little 
 sum ; most enough to open a snug, quiet bank at 
 Orleans ; but here's five thousand better." 
 
 " Hold on, hold on, stranger," cried " New 
 York," " you oversize my pile ; must have a show 
 for my money, you know." 
 
 " The d 1 you must," retorted " Legs." " If you 
 back down, say so like a man, and then if you are 
 flat-footed, I'd lend you a stake to start on. If 
 you don't dare to call me, say so, and don't whine 
 like a puppy or a baby, but give up like a man," 
 
 The New Yorker turned very pale, raised his 
 eyes to the surrounding crowd, as if to ask 
 whether they deemed this fair play; then pre- 
 
THE SWEATING COMMENCES. 95 
 
 tended to examine the money in the pool, but did 
 not reply. 
 
 " Quit handlin' them shin-plasters, hoss ; it's no 
 ways likely they'll trouble your pockets; and just 
 call me, or I'll rake down the pile," growled out 
 "Legs," in an excessively insolent manner. 
 
 " One moment, sir,' 7 interrupted my new friend. 
 " Here, sir, (throwing a pocket-book to the New 
 Yorker,) call him, if you wish." 
 
 Up jumped the three gamblers, pistol in hand ; 
 but before either could grasp the money, they 
 were seized behind by three stalwart fellows, and 
 then the swearing commenced. 
 
 " This game shall be played out, noise or no 
 noise. Open my pocket-book, sir, and use the 
 money as you please. Mate, gag those fellows if 
 they swear another oath," said the portly gentle- 
 man, in the tone of one born to command. 
 
 New York opened the book, found the requi- 
 site amount, placed it on the table, and then 
 "called." 
 
 " Call and be ; do you think outsiders can 
 
 come around, lookin' at our hands, interfering 
 with my game, and lending money ? No siree, 
 hoss," yelled out the gambler. 
 
 " Will you divide the money, then ?" asked the 
 gentleman. 
 
 " Not a d bit of it. It's mine, and by I'll 
 
96 COLONIZING DEAD MAN*S ISLAND. 
 
 have every red cent of it but your five thousand," 
 replied " Legs." " Say, strangers, (addressing the 
 spectators,) can't you see this is a put up thing 
 and these two gamblers here are trying to rob a 
 gentleman ? Are you going to stand it ?" 
 
 " Turn over their hands," said the gentleman, 
 paying no attention to the other's words. 
 
 The cards were faced ; " New York" had four 
 aces ; " Legs," two Jacks, king, queen and ten. 
 
 "Pretty hand that last to bet eight thousand 
 on," remarked the gentleman. 
 
 " Bloody robbery by ," yelled out the gam- 
 bler; " but I'll have justice when I get to Orleans, 
 by ." 
 
 " You shall, sir, and before, too ; and when you 
 make your complaint, tell Mr. Baldwin that you 
 were robbed by the Governor of this State, sir ; 
 and if I had you ashore, you should have an op- 
 portunity of complaining that you expected to be 
 murdered also, on short notice ; for as I live, if I 
 ever do catch you there, you will be handed over 
 to the Safety Committee before you can turn up 
 a Jack, smart as you are at it. We have been 
 looking for you three gentlemen for the past year, 
 and if you had been found anywhere on the left 
 bank of the river, we should have had you rotting 
 in prison with your friend Murrell long ere this ; 
 or, more probably, dangling from a mulberry or 
 
COLONIZING. 97 
 
 black-jack, with your cronies Cotton and Saun- 
 ders." 
 
 " Captain C ," continued he, addressing the 
 
 commander of the boat, who had just made his 
 appearance on the scene is there any island 
 about here that it would pay to colonize ?" 
 
 " Just exactly the very place, sir," returned the 
 captain. " We're right above Dead Man's Island 
 going into the shute now, sir." 
 
 " No inhabitants, I believe," demanded the 
 Governor. 
 
 "None, sir, but rattlesnakes, moccasins, and 
 mosquitoes. Shall I land them there, sir?" 
 
 " Yes, with a week's supply of bread ; not one 
 drop of liquor. Take their weapons away, and 
 any tools of their trade that they may have about 
 them ; and if they have any letters or papers on 
 their persons, let the clerk seal them up and deli- 
 ver them to Mr. Baldwin, with my compliments. 
 Adieu, gentlemen continued he, addressing the 
 gamblers, as the mate and his men were taking 
 them off, gagged and bound-%ou will find your 
 baggage and traps at the Recorder's office, when 
 you arrive at New Orleans." 
 
 " And now, sir" (to the New Yorker)" you 
 
 may return my loan ; and if I might advise, I 
 
 think you had better present the large sum you 
 
 have just won to the orphan asylum, when you 
 
 7 
 
98 COLONIZING DEAD MAN'S ISLAND. 
 
 arrive : and also, if you will excuse friendly ad- 
 vice, let cards alone for the future, at least among 
 strangers and steamboat travellers." 
 
 " I feel truly grateful to you, sir," replied my 
 young friend. " The money shall be disposed of 
 as you suggest, and I have done with games 
 of chance for life." 
 
 And now, Uncle Billy, and Mr. Sam Slick, I 
 should like to ask, if, for a quiet little adventure, 
 this is not a match for any of your card-playing 
 experiences ?" 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 THE TWO DOCTORS PETER SHAM, SHAM PETER AND 
 SALT PETER. 
 
 " WELL, now I guess, squire," said Bunce, " it 
 wasn't card-playin' alone that young chap wanted 
 to be cured on. You see the card-playin' was 
 nothing but one of the fruits of the tree, but the 
 root of the evil was consate. If he hadn't a been 
 a most a mighty self-consated critter, he never 'd 
 have slighted your advice. Ask Uncle Billy, 
 now, and he'll tell you it's only another shape of 
 bein' too smart. Ask my cousin Sam, and he '11 
 say it's all human natur' ; but I cal'late it's all 
 consate ; and I guess they're all pups of pretty 
 much the same litter. 
 
 In some folks you can see the consate stickin' 
 out a feet ; in others agin it strikes in. It makes 
 the first bold and pushin', and sassy as pison, and 
 the others shy, and proud, and clus-mouthed. 
 
 Folks call the one brass and the other resarve ; 
 
 99 
 
100 PETER SHAM, SHAM PETER, AND SALT PETER, 
 
 but, squire, now it's jest the same complaint, I 
 guess. I cal'late now its pesky like havin' the 
 measles or small-pox ; if it breaks out, it's worse 
 for other folks ; if it strikes in, its worse for your- 
 self. When it's all over yer face$ you ain't over 
 and above agreeable to look at ; other folks don't 
 admire you much, but they'll give you the track, 
 and putty spry too. But when it hides away in 
 your stumik, er yer dyin' frame, as the doctor's call 
 it, it's a pesky hard chance for you. 
 
 Father and he had a most amazin' gift of 
 tellin' stories, that had plagy sharp pints to 'em, 
 and it's a sorter family failin', too ; there's Cousin 
 Sam's got the disease dreadful Father used to 
 say, " ther's two kinds of consate, that ain't no kin 
 in the world to each other. One kind of consate 
 sets you to swallerin' hull, all sorts of stuff that 
 you hear, and believin' it equal to scripter. The 
 other and that's self-consate won't let ye be- 
 lieve nothin'." And then he'd up and tell about 
 the two young doctors, that sot out to be suthin' 
 a good deal above par, and nothin' would sarve 
 'em but they must go on to France and England 
 to get the finish put on. "When the first one had 
 sarved his time out, the old doctor he'd been a 
 sarvin' under said to him, " Now, Eph, you've 
 been three years with me, and I guess have read 
 most all the docter books through that's worth 
 
SHEEPSKIN AND 9AIR. , 101 
 
 readin'. IVe let you inter ' all the regular secrets 
 of the trade, but there's one tlinig I havn't; it 
 ain't printed in any of 'em, but is kept among the 
 old stagers, just like the mason's keep their secrets. 
 Young doctors stick to their books, and sometimes 
 never find it out all their lives ; but I've took a 
 considerable wonderful shine to you, and you 
 shall have it cheap ; and between you and me and 
 the bed-post, I've made my forten by it. 
 
 Well, Eph wanted the secret right off; but the 
 old doctor wouldn't let him have it only on two 
 conditions. The first was five hundred dollars 
 right down on the nail ; the other, that it should 
 be put in writin' in a letter, and it wasn't to be 
 opened till the young feller'd been to sea a week. 
 
 Well, they traded, and when the time cum, 
 Ephraim opened the vallable paper, and all the 
 writin' on it was, " Consate will "kill a mem, and 
 consate will cure a ma/n" 
 
 I guess tain't every day you see a chap so riley 
 as the young man was ; but it couldn't be helped 
 no use cryin' for spilt milk, and so he had to 
 grin and bear it ; but it kept in his mind, and he 
 turned it over and over, till he see there was 
 suthin' in it arter all. 
 
 When he'd got his foreign sheepskin and a pair 
 of mustashers, he come home and sot up away off 
 from where he was raised ; and he worked the old 
 
102 PETER SHAM, .SHAM PETER, AND SALT PETER. 
 
 docter's, j-esstte till it was equil to a Californy gold 
 k niin<3 ; bat 'for 'all 'that, the five hundred dollars 
 stuck in his crop, and he was detarmined to be 
 even with the critter before he died. 
 
 At last, the old doctor took a kinder notion to 
 go out West, and one night he happened to stop 
 at the very hotel where the other stayed. Arter 
 supper he went into the bar-room, and there was 
 the young one a talkin' away about some new 
 kink that had jest turned up, when he spied his 
 old friend, and knew him right off the reel, and 
 settled in his mind how he'd sarve him out. So 
 he went on with his talkin', only shiftin' himself 
 round, so's to be nigh where the old man was a 
 settin. 
 
 Says he, " There ain't no mistake in it ; by this 
 new way that's been just found out, the medical 
 man kin see the disease in the patient's face long 
 afore it's known to the patient ; and here, (pintin' 
 to the doctor,) here's a case in pint. He looks 
 hearty now don't he ? Well, I tell you he hasn't 
 more'n three days to live, without suthin more'n 
 common's done for him. There ain't but one man 
 this side of the Atlantic can cure him, and that's 
 me." 
 
 The old man jumped up mad as a hornet, and 
 went off to bed ; but he couldn't sleep a wink, for 
 
IN A BAD WAY. 103 
 
 thinkin' of what he'd heard ; it made him so ama- 
 zin' mad. 
 
 Next mornin', as he hadn't slept none, he 
 couldn't eat, didn't feel well enough to go in the 
 stage, and went up to his room and laid down. 
 But he grew worse and worse, had a high fe ver 
 that night and no sleep ; couldn't eat next day. 
 The tavern-keeper wanted he should call in that 
 amazin' smart docter that boarded with him ; but 
 he said he was a darn'd humbug, and wouldn't. 
 
 "When night come, he'd about made up his 
 mind that he was done for, and did send for the 
 doctor. 
 
 Well, he come, looked at him, and says he, " If 
 you had treated me like a gentleman, I'd have re- 
 moved the cause of the disease at once, and with- 
 out taxin' you ; for I see ye're a docter too ; but 
 you've called me a humbug. If I don't save you 
 to-night you're a dead man; to-morrow will be too 
 late. You wouldn't trust me, and I shan't trust 
 you^ but if you valley your life at five hundred 
 dollars, send me the money or a draft for it, and 
 I'll send you a perscription that'll set you up 
 agin." 
 
 Afore long the money come, and the young 
 man sot down and wrote, " Consate will Jcill and 
 consate will cure a man" on a sheet of paper, 
 sealed it up, and sent it to the sick man's room. 
 
104 PETER SHAM, SHAM PETER, AND SALT PETER. 
 
 The old doctor took it, and jest could get it 
 open, he was so pesky weak ; but the minit he 
 read it, up he jumped as well as ever; singin' out, 
 "it's that consarned Eph; I thought I know'd 
 him ;" ordered a beef-steak, slept sound upon it, 
 and was off bright and arly next mornin' per- 
 fectly satisfied that his perscription was correct, 
 for it had been tried on himself. 
 
 ISTow for t'other kind. 
 
 The other docter went to Paris, and afore long 
 consated that he could beat all created natur' a 
 docterin', so he sot out for London, on his way 
 home. When he got to Calais, he found an Eng- 
 lishman layin' there, plaguy nigh doctered to 
 death. He'd had a leetle fever, but that had been 
 physick'd and starved out of him, and he was een 
 a most gone for want of suthin' to eat. 
 
 When he heard another doctor was in the 
 house, and that he wasn't a Frenchman, he had 
 him brought up to his room straight off, and beg- 
 ged him for suthin' nice to eat, like roast beef and 
 plum puddin'. The young man seem' he was jest 
 agoin,' with not more'n six hours life in him, went 
 down, told the landlord to give him whatever he 
 asked for, and in three days John Bull was able 
 to kick his French doctors out of the room when 
 they called to see him, and to hand over a plaguy 
 fat fee to the Yankee. 
 
A NEW CUKE. 105 
 
 The young doctor's eyes stuck out at the cure, 
 and he consated he'd made a diskivery that beat 
 Christopher Columbus all to nothin'. And so he 
 wrote down in his note book, " Roast fieef and 
 plum-puddiri a sure cure for intermittent fever" 
 
 Over the creek goes the docter, and when he 
 gets to Dover, there he finds a poor Frenchman in 
 his tavern, down with a fever too. So he went to 
 braggin' how monstrous cute he was in them kind 
 of complaints, and he got the job. Roast beef 
 and plum-puddin' was ordered, and stuffed down 
 the poor feller's throat, and in twelve hours he'd 
 quit this country for the Frenchman's Paradise 
 though where that is, I guess I couldn't tell. Well, 
 this didn't change the doctor's idees of his import- 
 ant diskivery, only he'd made a new one. 
 
 He scratched out the first entry, and then wrote 
 down 
 
 " FOB INTERMITTENT FEVER. Roast Beef and 
 Plum-puddings sure cure for an Englishman and 
 sartin death for a Frenchman" 
 
 This chap, ye see, had got the other sort of con- 
 sate so strong on him that it was sartin to mark 
 him for life. I ain't a tellin' these stories as any- 
 thing bran new, but they 're what father used to 
 tell me years ago. 
 
 When I fust come to the South, I went down to 
 
106 PETER SHAM, SHAM PETER, AND SALT PETER. 
 
 York, and got a passage in the old La Fayette to 
 Charleston. 
 
 In them days folks used to go by sailin' vessels ; 
 there was a steamboat or two a runnin', but 
 'twarn't long after the Pulaski and the Home had 
 made a most amazin' awful piece of bisnis, and 
 folks kinder thought sails was safest arter all; and 
 to tell you a secret, I ain't fairly got over that old 
 fogy notion yet. 
 
 We had forty passengers in the cabin, and some 
 plaguy queer fish amongst 7 em. There was a 
 young chap that 'tracted a good deal of notice 
 right off. Soon's he come aboard, he pulls off his 
 boots and puts on sailor pumps, takes off his over- 
 coat, and gets into a rough petersham pea-jacket ; 
 then he begins long yarns about what in amazin* 
 grand sailor he was, and how much he'd been to 
 sea, and afore we'd got away from the dock, he 
 was a runnin' up one of the shrouds and down 
 another ; but I took notice that he was partickler 
 to crawl through the lubber-hole. 
 
 Now, the critter had never been to sea in all his 
 born days, but was one of them York boys that 
 loaf round the dock, a hangin' about vessels, and 
 a climbing all over 'em, when the old folks think 
 they're safe at school. 
 
 We hadn't got hauled out inter the stream afore 
 the rest on us got a handle fixed to his axe, and it 
 
SHAM PETER. 107 
 
 was " Petersham ;" and most a grand name it was ; 
 it was named after his coat, and it could be turned 
 like a coat, and altered like a coat. Arter a 
 while, when we found what kind of a sailor he 
 was, we turned it, and called him " Sham-Peter;" 
 and then afore long, for pertickeler reasons, we 
 cut off the tail intirely, makin' a round-jacket on 
 it, and givin' it a new collar that is, we called 
 him Salt-Peter." 
 
 While we was a runnin' down the bay, Peter 
 was everywhere and inter everything. I could see 
 the captin's eyes was sot on him, and he was a cus- 
 sin' him all alone to himself, but there was ladies 
 on deck, and we warn't in blue water yet ; and 
 so the old. man was on his best superfine manners. 
 Every thing was in a snarl, as it always is in a 
 ship just gittin' to sea ; and any way she was the 
 most lumbered up ship I ever see. As for Peter, 
 he was a helpin' everybody. When we cast off 
 the tow-boat, Peter was a standin' right on a coil 
 of rope that was a goin 7 to be run out. The mate 
 spied him, and sung out 
 
 " Hallo ! you, stand clear of yer legs there." 
 
 " And how can I do that, sir ?" asked Peter, as 
 innocent as a nussin' lamb. 
 
 He hadn't got the words fairly out, ^vhen whiz 
 goes the cable, up goes Peter, jerked right a-top 
 of a great hawser, coiled up, turns a fair summer- 
 
108 PETEKSHAM, SHAM-PETEK, AND SALT-PETEK. 
 
 set, and pitches slap down off the quarter-deck 
 head first into a slush-bucket. The men run to 
 him, and picked him up ; and sich a lookin' crit- 
 ter, with a new-fashioned wodden' hat on, and the 
 slush a runnin' down his face and all over his 
 clothes. 
 
 "When he got clear of the bucket, he sneaked 
 off below, feelin' plaguy cheap, and lookin' dread- 
 ful nasty ; but when the bell rung for lunch, the 
 first man on the docket was Peter, in a span new 
 rig ; his hair, though, didn't want any top-dressin* 
 or hair-ile for the next six months. 
 
 For two days, the first man at the first table was 
 Peter ; but on the third mornin' he was down as 
 common to breakfast, but afore he'd got a mouth- 
 ful swaller'd, suthin' come acrost him ; he turned 
 blue about the gills, and crawled up the conx 
 panion ladder. 
 
 The main deck was awful lumbered up ; there 
 was two tier of barrels, and on them the big- 
 gest pile of cabbages I ever see ; and when we 
 come up from breakfast, there was Peter mounted 
 up a-top of 'em, to get all the fresh air he could ; 
 and a most dreadful misfortinit lookin' critter he 
 was, too ; and to make it worse, the boys begin a 
 pokin' fun at him. 
 
 " Peter," says one, " I guess you'll lose your 
 
SALT PETER. 109 
 
 breakfast, if you don't stir up your shanks and 
 make tracks below." 
 
 " I kinder cal'late he's lost it already," says 
 another. 
 
 " I'm dreadful afear'd Peter's got the cholery," 
 says number three. " Can't be sea sick, he's such 
 an old salt ; Tm pesky fear'd it's cholery." 
 
 " Have the captin called right straight off," 
 says four, " and if he has got it, I guess it '11 be 
 best for him and all on us to have him chucked 
 overboard quick 's possible. It '11 be easier fer 
 him, and we musn't have the complaint a spread- 
 in' amongst the rest on us." 
 
 But Peter didn't pay one mite of attention, and 
 there he stuck. By Jemimy ! how the wind did 
 blow. It begun in the mornin', and by noon it 
 was a reg'lar harricane ; but there sot Peter the 
 wind all the time getting no better very fast 
 indeed and we was afeard the poor forlorn crit- 
 ter would get blowed over. 
 
 We tried to coax him, and skear him down, but 
 it wasn't one mite of use. He'd mounted up 
 there afore eight o'clock, and there he sot at half 
 past two ; and I guess he'd be settin' there yet, if 
 there hadn't come along a rale rip-snorter of a 
 sea, that took us quarterin' and broke right over 
 the ship. 
 
 Down come Peter, and down come his friends 
 
110 PETERSHAM, SHAM-PETER, AND SALT-PETER. 
 
 the cabbages ; and away went he and about fifty 
 on 'em, with several hogsheads of salt-water, down 
 the companion-way lucky 'twasn't overboard. 
 
 Well, well there was some plaguy queer chaps 
 on that same ship, and some amazin' funny 
 things ; but I 'm dry 's a powder-horn, and Uncle 
 Billy's a settin' on nettles, a waitin' a chance ; 
 so I guess I'd best reel in. 
 
CHAPTEE XL 
 
 THE WBONG PEW ME. BUNCE PAYS AN EAKLY AND 
 UNEXPECTED YISIT TO THE LADIES* CABIN. 
 
 " OH, Nutmegs ! Now, you desateful var- 
 mint," said Uncle Billy. " You've talked yerself 
 dry, and want to relieve yer feelins with a cud 
 besides; and you're powerful afeard I'll break 
 into yer Chapter of * Consate? " 
 
 " No no, sonny, yer a hull chapter yerself; and 
 as long the hunder and nineteenth psalm besides. 
 I'll begin to believe like the old Frenchman I 
 war a tellin' on that nutmegs is mighty onsartin. 
 No no, sonny, go on with your chapter." 
 
 " Well, if I must," Bunce continued who, as 
 Uncle Billy said, had relieved his feelings here 
 goes. 
 
 "Peter was picked up, dried off, and put to 
 bed, and wasn't seen outside of his berth but 
 once that, I'm a goin' to tell you of not fer a 
 week. 
 
 The weather was gettin' worse and worse, and 
 
 111 
 
112 THE WKONG PEW. 
 
 the ship was stripped all to a storm staysail, as big 
 may be as a small table-cloth. It's a sartin sign 
 of foul weather when a ship's under bare poles, 
 and you may be sure of it when you see them 
 pesky little critters, Mother Carey's chickens, a 
 fly in' round the starn, and when the steward 
 can't set the table, and you kin hear the crockery 
 a srnashin' in the cubberd ; but when you find 
 all the women folks a leavin' their own diggins, 
 and gittin' into the main cabin fer consolation, 
 you may know that the very old boy 's to pay. 
 
 Now, our women folks was under the captin's 
 charge every one on 'em. They didn't know any 
 of the men aboard, and stuck up their noses so 
 mighty high at us, that I was dreadful afeard 
 some on 'em would tumble over backards ; but 
 when the harricane come on, goodness sakes ! 
 how they huddled in amongst us, and sot up so 
 close ; and when the ship creen'd over, they'd 
 give leetle squeaks, and catch hold of our arms, 
 and maybe round our necks, or anywhere handy; 
 and when the staysail went all to bits, with a che- 
 barig ! like a cannon, there was a young heifer, and 
 not a bad lookin' one either, jumped right at me, 
 and got her arms round me, and hung on like grim 
 death, and begged me to save her. 
 
 The climit was a gittin' a leetle too warm for 
 me, and up on deck I went ; and there things was 
 
ON OUR BEAM-ENDS. 113 
 
 improvin' for the worse, and putty fast too. After 
 the staysail was tore to pieces we hadn't a rag left 
 to steer by, and the officers held a council of war; 
 for the mountaneous waves was a rollin', and wind 
 a blowin' us onto the shore, and the captin said 
 we'd get there too, in two or three hours. 
 
 Our captin got most awful skeart, and I do raly 
 believe if it hadn't a been for another sea captin 
 aboard, we'd all been in glory or some other Chris- 
 tian country afore mornin'. He said the ship 
 must carry sail whether she could or not, and so 
 they got on the topsails close reefed, and she stood 
 it pretty well. 
 
 About six o'clock I was up above when they 
 called all hands on deck to wear ship, and I rather 
 guessed I'd best be down in the cabin; more out 
 of the way sorter. 
 
 I'd just got my hand on the side of the com- 
 panion hatch, when the ship give a lurch over to 
 larberd, and in a minit up she come agin, and 
 slap she goes t'other way, and on her beam ends, 
 afore you could say Jack Robinson. I hung on 
 with my hands like all creation, and my legs was 
 swept down the stairs by a great swash of water. 
 Away went cabbages and deck load, and away 
 went starboard bulwerks, but the ship righted in 
 a minit ; if she hadn't, she'd never a held up her 
 head agin. 
 8 
 
114: THE WRONG PEW. 
 
 When the trouble come, I was a standin' jest 
 where I could see the hull cabin. The steward 
 had put on the vittles on the table in tin pans, 
 and the folks was a settin' on the settees aginst 
 the berths, holdin' onto their cups and sassers. 
 When the ship lurched to port, she threw the 
 hull display of vittles off the table onto the folks 
 they were all a settin' on the port side, on a 
 double row of settees and when she come back 
 in such a plaguy hurry, away went the hull bilin', 
 men, wimmen, vittles, cups, sassers and settees, 
 slam-bang under the table, jest as slick as grease ; 
 and the ship righten agin, the table, which was a 
 swingin' one, swung back and shot right down 
 on 'em. 
 
 I never see such a sight in all iny born days, 
 and if the ship had sunk then, I'd have gone down 
 a laughin', and mouth wide open. Peter was in 
 his berth, with nothin' on but his shirt. He was 
 landed right a top of the table ; one chap was lyin* 
 pesky sick near the companion hatch, and he shot 
 over across like a sky-racket, and plumped into a 
 berth, right a top of a fat old man, that had gin 
 in long ago. 
 
 And under the table such a sight such a dis- 
 play of legs, dishes, stockins, garters, and boots, 
 and all a soakin' in salt water ; I swan to man ef it 
 
TETER SERVED UP. 115 
 
 >- 
 
 didn't take the rag off of any picter in creation I 
 ever see. 
 
 Down the steps I run, and commenced pullin' 
 away at the legs ; and, with the steward's help, 
 we got 'em out clothes half stripped off, wet all 
 over, and in a most dreadful pickle ginrally. 
 Now, you'd cal'late the wimmin would turn red, 
 and feel amazin' streaked, wouldn't you ? Not a 
 bit of it ; they was so plaguy skeared that they 
 didn't keer for nuthin' else ; and I rally guess 
 they'd a staid all night there if the captin hadn't 
 sent in the stewardess, and made 'em march into 
 their own cabin, strip off their wet rags, and go 
 to bed ; and all night long, every time the ship 
 give a histe, one or more on 'em would come a 
 runnin' in our cabin, a screamin' and a yellin', to 
 know what's the matter ; and they hadn't stopped 
 for any extra do thin' either. 
 
 Now, there was poor Peter on the table, with 
 nothin' on but his shirt and that too of a plaguy 
 scant pattern sick as death, and stunned and sore 
 with the awful tumble he'd jest got, to say nothin' 
 of that when he was onshipped from the cabbages 
 he rubbed his eyes a minnit, to find out where he 
 was, and the poor forlorn critter scrabbled for the 
 table-cloth, that hadn't gone with the dishes, and 
 drawed it all over him, head and all ; and there 
 he lay, a groanin' and a beggin' for help ; but 
 
116 THE WRONG PEW. 
 
 when we picked him up, he hung on to his table- 
 cloth like all-possessed. 
 
 This sot me to thinkin', that the dear little crit- 
 ters don't have all the modesty there is a goin', 
 although they'd like to make us men folks believe 
 so ; and it sorter minded me of bein 3 made a most 
 a grand fool of, and gettin' into a most shockin' 
 nasty scrape when I was a boy. 
 
 When I was may be fourteen year old, suthin' 
 took Father down to York, and I'd heard so many 
 despert stories about the place, that I sot in strong 
 as pison to go long; and mother she took my part, 
 and said it would be a most dreadful pity not to 
 give me a chance to see suthin' of the world, spe- 
 cially as they was a goin' to give me a liberal edi- 
 cation, and make a larned man of me that was 
 mother's notion, although father went agin it, 
 tooth and toe-nail. But she always would have it 
 that I was a master hand for larnin' a rale, first- 
 rate nat'ral genius, and would be an honor to the 
 family, and no mistake. Well, as I was sayin', 
 mother sot in so strong that father had to give in. 
 
 Well, we went in a steamboat, not one of them 
 bustin' great double-deckers, with cabins and state- 
 rooms all over, that they have now-a-days, but a 
 plaguy little narrer-contracted critter though I 
 guess she looked as big to me as all out a doors 
 cabins all down below, and divided in two parts. 
 
STEWARD IN DEMAND. 117 
 
 I was drest up to kill ; long napped fur hat ; 
 new cow-hide boots, greased and blackballed 'till 
 they looked like a nigger's face in cotton scrapin' 
 time ; coat and breeches of store cloth, and shi- 
 nin' like a glass-bottle. 
 
 When bed-time come, I turned in all standing 
 except coat and boots, and them I put under my 
 pillow. 
 
 In the mornin' my new clothes looked jest's if 
 I'd been to work in a cotton factory ; and father, 
 he started me right off to find the steward, and get 
 'era brushed ; for he said he wouldn't go about 
 the streets in York with no such a linty lookin' 
 critter as me. 
 
 I hadn't any sort of an idee what kind of a 
 lookin' thing a steward was ; so up on deck I 
 went, and looked to see if I could see anything 
 that seemed like it ; but I examined the boat from 
 stem to stern, and had to give in. Down I 
 went to father, and told him I couldn't find any 
 steward. 
 
 " Where have you looked ?" says he. 
 
 " Everywhere,' 1 says I ; " I've been up where 
 the man's a steerin', and all about the bilers, and 
 looked in the boat that 's a hangin' down behind ; 
 but I can't see anythin'." 
 
 " You etarnal created goose," says father, mad 
 as darnation, " where did you expect to find him? 
 
118 THE WRONG PEW. 
 
 Ask every one you see where the steward's room 
 is, and when you find it, go in and get your 
 clothes cleaned; and see here, Jed, if ye come 
 back with a pesky long face, and a dirty look, 
 I'll give you a rale, fust rate, A number one 
 quiltin', to begin yer visit with. I can't see what 
 the goodness gracious got into the old woman's 
 head to saddle me with such a pesky greenhorn, 
 to lose in York, like's not." 
 
 Off I set, and the first man I see was a real 
 scrumptious dressed, good-natur'd lookin' critter, 
 with snappin' black eyes. So I made my man- 
 ners, and says I, 
 
 " Please sir, can ye show me whareabouts they 
 keep the steward ?" 
 
 " Oh, sartinly, with pleasure," says he. " What 
 a graceful bow you do make. May I inquire, if this 
 is your first voyage, sir?" 
 
 " Never away from hum afore, sir ; and I wish 
 to gracious I was there now," says I. 
 
 " Well, come along, anyhow," says he, " and 
 I'll show you the steward's room; but you mus'n't 
 be frightened at anything you see." 
 
 " Catch me at that," says I. " All I'm afear'd 
 of is, takin' a quiltin' if I don't find the stew- 
 ard." 
 
 " Well, sir," says he layin' his hand on a door- 
 knob " here's the steward's room ; and mind you 
 
BUSTCE PUTS HIS FOOT IN IT. 119 
 
 insist on seein' him, if you don't stick to it they 
 won't trot him out." 
 
 " Let me alone for that," says I ; and I'd hardly 
 said it, afore he opens the door and shoves me in ; 
 and the merciful gracious ! I swan to man, I 
 never see such a sight afore ner sence; and I 
 never was so skeart in my life. 
 
 It was where the wimin' folks stopt, and there 
 was more'n fifty on 'em. Some getten' down out 
 of the top berth ; some puttin' on their stockin's ; 
 borne a cordin' themselves up ; some with a few 
 clothes on, and some with none at all. 
 
 By Jemimy, didn't they squeel ? If I'd a been 
 a wild varmint, lookin' for my breakfast, and all 
 ready to gobble 'em down, they couldn't have 
 made more noise. 
 
 Some crawled back into the berths ; some stop- 
 ped a drawin' on their stockin's, and some yelled 
 out "get out!" 
 
 " I can't get out," I holler'd and I bohoed 
 right out " some feller's a holdin' the door, and 
 won't let me." 
 
 " What do you want? "Who sent you here? 
 What are you after ?" they holler'd. 
 
 " I'm after the steward, and I want to get my 
 clothes dusted," 1 cried. 
 
 " Jest then, a great greasy old she nigger, 
 dressed up to kill, come a tarin' in another door, 
 
120 THE WRONG PEW. 
 
 and catchin' me by the collar "I'll dust your 
 clothes for you," says she. " I'll larn you where 
 the steward's room is." And with that she open'd 
 the door, and give me a kick on the starn-post, 
 that sent me a tumblin' and a howlin' half the 
 length of the cabin. 
 
 I was dreadful small of my age, and I guess 
 wasn't quite dangerous enough to make such a 
 rumpus about. 
 
 I wish the old Judge when he and Cousin 
 Sam lay their heads together agin instead of hu- 
 man natur, would jest give us a book about female 
 natur, all alone. Sam knows suthin' about it, I 
 guess. 
 
 I've got an idee, and it's this. There ain't but 
 jest so much modesty in the world ; the men folks 
 has got most on it, and the women folks plaguy 
 leetle, and that ain't divided fair; some's got 
 more'n their sheer, and a nation sight's got none 
 at all. Now, the men's ashamed of havin' too 
 much, and the women of havin' too leetle ; so the 
 men puts it off and the women puts it on ; only 
 they lay it on so pesky thick that any one with 
 half an eye kin see ? t aint the rale genuine article, 
 pure as imported. 
 
 forward with anxiety for its accomplishment at an 
 by our two worthies will not so overpower him 
 that he will abandon his project, as we shall look 
 
CHAPTER XIL 
 
 STOCKINGS A1TDGARTEKS. WIGS AND BAKE POLLS. 
 
 " Now," continued Bunce, " its a fact, and one 
 of the darndest funny facts, too, I ever see, that 
 three of the biggest kind of sparkin' matches 
 growed out of this ere capsize. Afore the storm, 
 there's no tellin' how dreadful high the wimmin 
 folks did carry their heads, but the storm brought 
 'em down to their bearin's pretty spry. 
 
 I tell ye what 't is, men, sea-sickness and fear 
 brings us all down to a level, pretty nigh the same 
 as if the bony old skilleten, that used to be in the 
 front part of our old catechise, with a dreadful 
 long scythe in his hand, and these lines under his 
 feet 
 
 " Death cuts down all, 
 Both great and small," 
 
 had got his grip fastened onto their coat-tails and 
 petticoats. 
 
 Maybe they got to likin' one another better, for 
 
 scrapin' acquaintance under the table, may-be the 
 
 121 
 
122 STOCKINGS AND GARTEES. 
 
 wimmin cal'lated it wouldn't pay to show their 
 ankles, knees, and sech like nateral gifts, free 
 gratis for nothin' ! And then, agin, may-be it 
 was the stocking and garters, and the et ceteries, 
 sot the men agoin'. How it was, I can't say for 
 sartin, but it's an undeniable fact, that six on 'em 
 was took with the disease all of a suddent ; sot in 
 for the hardest kind of sparkin', and kep it up, 
 too ; and one of the cases came to a fatal eend ; 
 and it wouldn't surprise me the least mite, if all 
 the rest did, too. 
 
 There was an old, long-legged down-easter 
 aboard, that kep' store down to Selmy, in Ala- 
 bamy, with a reg'lar hatchet face, and putty 
 much the same kind of a complexion as a dried 
 codfish. He must a been hard onto sixty year 
 old, as nigh as we could make out, but jumped 
 about as spry as a kitten, and wanted to pass him- 
 self off among the boys, as one of 'em. The old 
 critter's hair looked so dreadful slick and shiny, 
 that putty much all on us came to the conclusion 
 that he didn't wear his own not onless he'd 
 paid for it. Well, we didn't let on, and he figu- 
 red about, without havin' any carlicues cut up 
 with him, 'till after our capsize ; but when he got 
 to steppin' up to a most amazin' scrumptious kind 
 of a gal, e'en about the pick of the lot they'd 
 been neighbors under the table, and may-be that 
 
MAJOR ROGERS. 123 
 
 was her excuse I tell you, if we didn't open on 
 him ; and old Pond that was his name catched 
 it pretty much all over. 
 
 We detarmined to catch the feller with his wig 
 off, and took turns settin' up, so's to see him when 
 he took it off; but 't wouldn't do: for the first 
 night we tried it, he set up tell mornin' ; and the 
 next, the consarned critter went to bed with his 
 hair on ; and when one of us made a mistake on a 
 purpose, and drawed his curtins, there was old 
 Pond, a snorin' haleluya, with his head tied up in 
 a old red silk handkercher, big enough for a gal- 
 lant-sail. 
 
 We had another old chap on board, Majer Ro- 
 gers ; and though he wasn't a Georgy Majer, he 
 was jolly enough for one, and e'en-a-most up to 
 anything a goin'. He 'd been a watchin' us, with- 
 out lettin' on, for some time ; and one night, when 
 we boys had got together, out in the ship's bows, 
 long he comes, and says he 
 
 " Boys, ye think ye're plaguy sly ; but I know 
 what ye're at ; ye're conspirin' agin old Squire 
 Pond's gray hairs ; Now, ain't ye kinder ashamed 
 of yerselves ?" 
 
 " Why, Majer/ 7 says I, " 't ain't his grey hairs 
 we're a conspirin' agin, by 'a jug-full ; it's his 
 black ones, or somebody else's ; for he never 
 raised that crop, and Pll be qualified to that on a 
 
124: STOCKINGS AND GARTERS. 
 
 stack of bibles, as big as a meetin 1 house. If he's 
 got grey hairs, let him show 'em, and not be 
 a sailin' under false cullers, and a deceivin' that 
 A No. 1 little clipper." 
 
 " Who do ye mean?" asked the Majer. 
 
 " Why, that most amazin' likely young heifer, 
 that he's been a settin' up to ever sence the table- 
 scrape," says I. 
 
 " Do ye mean Miss James ?" says he. 
 
 "I cal'late I do," says I. 
 
 " Oh sho ! says he, " I guess 't ain't nothin' but 
 a kinder fatherly feelin'. Why, he's got forty 
 year the advantage of her, to say the least on 't." 
 
 " Fatherly feelin' be darned !" says I. " Why, 
 Majer, I see the old goat a huggin' and a kissin' 
 her on the companion way, when he thought no 
 one wasn't a lookin' at him." 
 
 "Then, boys," says the Majer, "I'm with ye; 
 and I kinder guess we'll make him show his grey 
 hairs, or where they oughter be, afore we show 
 the respect that oughter be paid 7 em." 
 
 "Give us yer hand, Majer," says I; "ye'rea 
 trump, and allers was ; but 't ain't no use, least- 
 ways not by fair means; and I cal'late it wouldn't 
 hardly pay to go at him by foul ones ; and so, if 
 we can't get that consarned wig off his sculp with- 
 out his 'spectin' what it was did for, why I guess 
 
" AT STAKE" A WARM GAME. 125 
 
 we'd a consid'able best wait; and may-be it'll 
 come off itself one of these fine days." 
 
 " Let me alone, and obey orders," says the Ma- 
 jer, " and if I don't show ye his bare sculp afore 
 mornin' then I ain't a namesake of that unfortnet 
 critter that got himself made a martyr on, and 
 was cooked alive, leavin' thirteen children, and 
 one at the breast ; and whose picter can be found 
 in the New England Primmer, if ye'll take the 
 trouble to look for't with a strikin' likeness of 
 the very sticks of wood that they roasted him 
 with." 
 
 " But when, and how will you do it ?" says I. 
 
 " As to when I'll do it, that depends pretty 
 much on what time the second-mate's watch 
 ends to-night. As to how it'll be done, I guess that 
 won't consarn you much, as long as it's done up 
 brown. You jest hold on a minnit, and let me 
 have a leetle talk with the mate, and then I'll tell 
 ye more." 
 
 " Well, the Majer went off to where Scott, the 
 second-mate was a standin', and there was putty 
 consid'able whisperin' agoin on betwixt 'em for a 
 few minits ; and at last, we saw Scott bust out 
 a'laffin ; and then the Majer comes back, and says 
 he 
 
 " Boys> Scott's watch is out at midnight, and I 
 invite ye all to be at the companion-hatch at that 
 
126 STOCKINGS AND GABTERS. 
 
 hour ; and be plaguy certin to keep dark about it, 
 and not go to blabbin' out about the ship. And 
 mind you, be jest as quiet as lambs when the time 
 comes." 
 
 Well, we promised, and what's more, we kept 
 our promises ; and may-be, when midnight come, 
 we wasn't at the companion-hatch. 
 
 The cabin was all still 3 s a quaker meetin' when 
 the speret don't move, all exceptin' the music of 
 the reg'lar band and they was in full blast, 
 playin' old hundred, sawin' wood and snortin' like 
 troopers' horses, and old Pond's nose a leadin' the 
 orkestry. 
 
 Scott walks down, opens the curtins of his 
 berth, and givin' him a shake to wake him up, 
 says in a kinder rough whisper 
 
 " Hurray, matey ! for the massy sake turn out 
 quick, and get on deck we're goin' down in five 
 minits 1" 
 
 Old Pond open'd his eyes, see the mate over 
 him, with the big lantern a flashin' in his face, 
 and catched enough of his words to skear him into 
 chicken fits. 
 
 Out he tumbled, a yellin' " The ship's a sinkin' ! 
 the ship's a sinkin' !" made three jumps to the 
 companion-way, and up stairs he bust, as if the 
 old sarpint was arter him and spurrin' him on 
 with his forked tail ; but, spry as he pulled foot, 
 
LIGHT RIGGING. 127 
 
 the Major was right behind ; and just as Pond 
 touched the deck, the Major made a grab at 
 Pond's head-riggin', and away went the Major 
 and Pond's bandanna down stairs, kolumpus, inter 
 the cabin ; and there stood Pond in his shirt tail, 
 and the wind a floppin' 'that about putty consid'- 
 able, the moon shinin' bright on his bare sculp, 
 and he a yellin' " Help ! Help ! Save me. 
 Where's the boat? Take me in. Don't leave 
 me, for massy's sake !" 
 
 Up come captin and mates, and men and 
 women, a rollin' up the companion-way, without 
 a rag too much on any one on 7 em ; some yellin' 
 and shriekin', and some a cussin' ; and I cal'late, 
 for a minit or two there was as pretty a muss as 
 ever you'd wish to see. 
 
 " "What's this all about, and what's the mat- 
 ter ?" roared out the captin. 
 
 " Oh we're a sinkin', and we'll all be drown'd," 
 says Pond. " Where's the boats ? Oh ! Captin, 
 save my life, and I'll give you a thousand dollars, 
 in store pay." 
 
 " Why, you darn'd fool," yelled out the captin, 
 " are ye drunk or crazy ? Can't ye see there's 
 nothin' under the sun the matter ? Go down be- 
 low, sir, mighty spry, or I'll have ye tied neck and 
 heels, and stowed where I guess ye'll be quiet till 
 
128 STOCKIN'S AND GAKTERS. 
 
 " Some one woke me up, sir, and told me the 
 ship was sinkm'," says Pond, a shiverin' and a 
 shakin'. 
 
 ' No such thing, sir," says Scott. " My watch 
 was putty nigh up, and I went down to call the 
 first mate ; and I went to the wrong berth ; that's 
 all, sir." 
 
 " Didn't ye tell me the ship would sink in five 
 minits ?" asked Pond. 
 
 " 'No sir" answered Scott. " I told you we was 
 a goin' down in five minutes and so we be 
 cause our watch 's up, d' ye see." 
 
 " What an immortal jackass you must be, Mis- 
 ter Pond," says the captin, " to make all this row 
 about nothin' at all ; it's my guess that you won't 
 hear the eend of this for a while.'* 
 
 By this time Pond come a leetle to his right 
 senses ; and feelin' pesky cold about the head, he 
 claps his hand up to his sculp if every hair on it 
 was turned to a spear of mint, there wouldn't a 
 been enough for a julip and when he see what a 
 perdickemint he was in, darn my picter if the crit- 
 ter didn't grab hold of the hind part of his shirt, 
 draw it over his bare head, and bust through the 
 crowd and inter the cabin, afore I could have 
 swaller'd this glass of whiskey." And Bunco 
 poured out and drank down a pretty stiff glass, by 
 way, I imagined, of illustrating his text. 
 
A " FINE" BUSINESS. 129 
 
 "Well, Sam," demanded Milward, "what effect 
 did this exposition have upon his lady-love, and 
 on the other ladies ?" 
 
 " None at all, squire," replied the pedler ; 
 "they was all so most amazin' skeart, that they 
 didn't know whether his sculp was bare or 
 whether it had a ton weight of hair." 
 
 " But the other passengers must have noticed 
 it," inquired I. 
 
 " Nary one," he answered, " but what was in 
 the play; and so we let the thing work, and didnt 
 meddle for a while ; but I tell you, he had a putty 
 warm time of it with the captin and some of 
 'em, about the skear he gin 'em all ; and what 
 he minded wus ner all, they tried him next day, 
 for creatin' disturbance and alarm 'board ship, 
 and fined him champaign for the hull crowd, and 
 he had to stand it." 
 
 " But the wig/* asked I, " was that the end of it, 
 and didn't the girl find out that he wore one, after 
 all?" 
 
 " May-be she did'nt," said he. " I cal'late we 
 hadn't done with him yet by a plaguy sight." 
 9 
 
CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 BUSTLES AND BREAST- WOKKS A BOW ON BOARD SHIP. 
 
 " I SAID" continued Bunce " that none of the 
 passengers but us boys see old Pond's bare sculp ; 
 but I kinder guess I was a leetle wide of the 
 mark. 
 
 There wasn't none of the cabin folks noticed it, 
 but a steerage feller did, and a consideble cute 
 chap he was, too. 
 
 The next morning the captin give out that he'd 
 land the hull bilin' of us in Charleston afore 
 night ; and the mighty ! what a brushin' up ther^ 
 was a goin' on, from stem to stern of the old ship. 
 Razors come out, and so did shirt collars. Clean 
 shirts wan't a curiosity no longer, and we ketched 
 one feller a blacknin' his boots. The wimmin 
 folks come out pesky strong the young heifers in 
 pertickler. They had streamers before and be- 
 hind, and all sorts of fixins and riggins, though 
 they'd kept themselves putty scrumptious, and 
 there wa'nt half the difference in their looks that 
 there was in the old wimmen's. 
 
 But the nation ! jest to see the old critters. If 
 130 
 
NEW DEVELOPMENTS. 131 
 
 you ever see an old cow fed on bog hay and 
 milked all winter, go farrer about June, and be 
 turned out to grass, in a rale, fust rate, bunkum 
 white clover paster goin' to grass, nothin' but 
 a bag of skin and bones, with the hair all rubbed 
 off, and lookin' jest 's if she was goin' to grass in 
 rale good arnest and comin' out, arter a month 
 or so, another guess sorter critter, with a new 
 coat maybe I oughter say petticoat, seein's it's a 
 she I'm talkin' on shinin' all over like a glass 
 bottle, and jest as fat as butter ; then, maybe, you 
 could get an idee of the difference there was in 
 the wimmen folks in their sea-sick riggin' their 
 dis-ables, as they call'd 'em and when they were 
 all spunked up in their shore things. 
 
 Fust of all, they'd raised a most amazin' crop of 
 curls in the night I'd like to know what kinder 
 top-dressin' they put on ; I'd make a fortin out 
 on't a leetle the quickest; get Barnum to go 
 halves, and shell out the pewter for advertisin' ; 
 call it " Sam Slick's universal, instantaneous hair 
 restorer for the fair seek." Then they'd got the 
 biggest kind of cotton breast-works on, like old 
 Ginral Jackson to Orleens ; and besides, they had 
 some how 'nother raised at the shortest kind of 
 notice what the doctor here'd call most astonishin' 
 fundamental developments, and stuck out in that 
 direction fully equal to a Hottentot beauty, who 
 
132 BUSTLES AND BREAST-WOKK8. 
 
 can carry a pail of water on her hump, and run up 
 hill without spillin' a drop. 
 
 Well, I looked at 'em all over, and they put 
 me in mind of the starved-to-death calves, that 
 butchers blow up with a quill. I didn't think 
 they'd taller any better, for all they looked in such 
 a most ainazin' fine condition. 
 
 There now, I've been a runnin' on about the 
 women folks, and forgettin' all about old Pond 
 and his wig ; but it's a nateral failin' in all the 
 Sli ck family and the Bunces ain't a bit better 
 when we get 'longside a petticoat we're putty cer- 
 tin to stick. 
 
 The steerage folks there warn't but few, and 
 they'd been awful civil and quiet had got slick'd 
 up too, and amongst 'em was a little old Frencher, 
 that I don't raaly think had spoke three words the 
 hull vyage ; but when I come on deck, there was 
 the old chap a standin' by the foremast, rigged 
 out in a bran new suit, and a smokin' away at a 
 segar, most as big as he was. 
 
 I wanted a light, and so jest walked forrard 
 and asked for one, and it's monstrous curus to 
 think how any created critter could put so much 
 manners into the leetle room there is for't, in 
 takin' a segar out a man's mouth and handin' it 
 to another chap. 
 
 Well, I ain't to be beat easy, when perliteness 
 
A NEW FEIEND. 133 
 
 is a goin' on, and so when he scraped, I scraped. 
 When he made his manners, I made mine ; and 
 when his hat come off, mine vamosed the ranch 
 about the quickest. 
 
 I see by the snapping of his eyes that he was 
 full of talk. It had been bottled up all the vyage, 
 and was e'enamost ready to bust the bottle, or 
 blow the cork out and so I thought I'd jest tap 
 the critter, and see what I could draw out. 
 
 "Well, I tried it, and it did come, I tell ye, fully 
 equal to a spirt of molasses out of a hogsit, when 
 it's been shuk up on a York cart, and laid in the 
 sun the hull of a July day. 
 
 In five minits we was the best friends in tho 
 world. 
 
 You never kin tell anything about a Trencher 
 by his looks. Some on 'em's dressed to kill, with- 
 out the valley of a Bungtown copper in their 
 breeches pockets, and some on 'em goes around 
 lookin' so seedy that you wonder their friends 
 don't think harvest time's come, and it's high time 
 to cut 'em and the chance is, they're wallerin' in 
 the dimes jest like a pig in a clover-patch. 
 
 My new friend give me his hull history, inclu- 
 din' that of his lady a pertickler account of all 
 his children a statement of his present bizness, 
 and futur' prospecks in trade all done up in a 
 
134 BUSTLES AND BREAST-WORKS. 
 
 sort of half nateralized lingo, and in less than ten 
 minits. 
 
 He was one of them short breed critters that 
 come down from the French backwoods, that 
 allers go to Payris to be made chimbley-sweep- 
 ers on." 
 
 " A Savoyard, probably," interrupted the 
 Doctor. 
 
 " Ya-a-as," drawled out Bunce, " that's jest the 
 ticket. "Well, he and his lady had scraped some 
 pewter together, come over to Char-less-tone, as 
 he called it ; set up a 'boo-teek which I guess is 
 nigh of the same litter as what the Yankees call 
 a shop ; traded consideble ; made the dimes, and 
 saved 'em ; bimeby got fur enuf ahead to go to 
 Pay-ris for his traps allers goin' and comin' in 
 the steerage, and making his own quezene, (and 
 that means, I guess, when it's biled down into 
 American, that he done up his own chores and 
 cooked his own vittles,) and so working his ingine 
 slow and keerful, and never lettin 7 the water get 
 low, ner the steam high ; nevei busten up ner col- 
 lapsin' a flue, nor lettin' the machinery rust, nor 
 runnin' aground, he'd plaguy near finished his 
 vyage to the city of Independence ; and when he 
 arrived, cal'lated to sell off lock, stock and barrel, 
 and lay up for life. 
 
 Arter he'd spun all this yarn, he give me a 
 
THE LITTLE FRENCHMAN. 135 
 
 kind of knowin' look outer the corner of his bright 
 eyes, and ses he 
 
 " Monsheer, I vas on dake lass night." 
 
 " The nation you was," ses I, " and what did 
 you see, monsheer ?" 
 
 " Avery sing. I see ze ole gentilhome viz a 
 veeg, vizout any veeg aha ! You movay sujay. 
 You kaatch heem, aha !" ses he. 
 
 "You did, did you?" ses I. Then you see 
 more'n the wimmen did, and that's putty nigh all 
 we sot the trap fer." 
 
 " Nevair mind, mounsheer, nevair mind," ses 
 he; " we all be in Char less-tone one of zese fine 
 day. You will go avry one to ze Plantare's Ho- 
 tale, and zen you will antrapey heem, I know. 
 Great place Char-less-tone ; plenty fun zere, plenty 
 boys for help. You mos come see me ze nex day 
 you shall arrive, aha !" 
 
 " Well, I promised I would, and then some of 
 the boys come up, and I give 'em a sorter intro- 
 duce. They took to the old man mightily, and all 
 agreed to give him a call, if we ever got a chance 
 to set foot in town, which didn't look half so 
 likely I guess, as it had at day-break. 
 
 In the first place, the wind got tired of doing 
 bisnis in the same line, and shut up shop. Bimeby 
 it open'd agin, and begun drivin' a dredful stiif 
 trade in another quarter, then the captin had all 
 
136 BUSTLES AND BEE AST- WORKS. 
 
 the light sails in, and tried to stand off and on, 
 under jib and topsels, and not loose more ground 
 than we could help ; then it come on to blow so 
 amazin' sharp, that we had to scud under close- 
 reefed fore-topsel and jib ; then the wimmin folks 
 followed suit ; scud inter their own quarters, took 
 in their light sails, and got foul-weather riggin' 
 on. Then the men folks did the same, and finally 
 all hands give up Charleston, and everyone board 
 ship looked blue as blazes all but the cook, who, 
 seein's turnin' blue wasn't in his line, no how, 
 looked blacker than a thunder-squall off Hat- 
 teras. 
 
 A pesky dirty- weather, mean day we had of it, 
 and long towards night some on us had just got 
 quietly settled down to a little game of curds, 
 when down come the captin a blazin'. 
 
 " Now jest look here," says he, " I ain't a goin' 
 to stand this no longer, nor the men neither. You 
 plaid curds tell you plaid us inter a hurricane, and 
 the minit that held up, at it you went agin, and 
 played us inter this consarned blow, and now you 
 ain't content yet, but must make it worse. Give 
 them curds up to oncet, and if I ketch a soul of 
 you playin 7 again, I'll clap him in irons." 
 
 "The captain had been dredful grumpy ever 
 since the wimmin had scraped our acquaintance ; 
 he was an awful prejudiced man besides; had 
 
NO, YOU DON 7 T. 137 
 
 been grumblin' at our playin', all the vyage, and 
 swore it would bring on a gale ; but this last shift 
 of wind jest did the bisnis, and upset him 
 throwed him on his beam-ends like and when 
 the sailors come and told him we were inakin' 
 more wind down in the cabin with a pack of 
 curds, he was a plaguy sight nearer a crazy man 
 than a fool, which was his nateral condition. 
 
 Up jumped a chap from Orleens, that was a 
 playin 7 with us, sprung between the companion 
 way and the cap tin, and jerkin' out a pistil, he 
 cocks it, and aims right at cantankerous critter's 
 head. 
 
 " Now," says he, " you no 'count whelp, take 
 back every word of saas you've give us, or I'm 
 blest (I guess it wasn't " blest" he said either,) if 
 I don't see if there's any brains in that numskull 
 of yours. Put us in irons, indeed !" 
 
 The captin turned white as a sheet, but before 
 he could get a word out of his head old Major 
 Rogers clapped in his oar. 
 
 "No, Mr. Dunbar," ses he, "that's not the 
 way to treat this matter ; put up your weapon. 
 And you, sir, (to the captain) on this vyage, have 
 showed yourself neither sailor nor gentlemen. If 
 Captin Brewer hadn't been aboard, your coward- 
 ice would have lost the ship ; and now, if you do 
 not make an ample apology before you leave this 
 
138 BUSTLES AND BKE AST- WORKS. 
 
 cabin, we shall make such representations of your 
 conduct to both owners and underwriters, that if 
 you keep this ship, or get another, I'm much mis- 
 taken." 
 
 The poor, mean feller looked jest like a dog 
 ketched sheep-stealin', hung his head, said some- 
 thing about beggin' pardon, and gittin' riley on 
 account of the bad weather, then sneaked off, 
 feelin' cheap enough. 
 
 If the curds had anything to do with the wind, 
 it was for the best, for it kept blowin' till sundown, 
 and then come up from t'other quarter, and by 
 noon next day all the passengers were ashore in 
 Charleston, anchored at the Planter's Hotel old 
 Miss Calder's house they called it then and a 
 leetle grain ahead of any house I over stopped at, 
 for good livin'." 
 
 " Now, sonny," interrupted Uncle Billy 
 " you've got your ship's wind, all right, and when 
 you get your own, jest bark away right piert on 
 the trail of that wig, for dog-on-my-cat ! ef I aint 
 a grown right smartly worn out with the story." 
 
 " Well," says Bunce, " I guess you're more than 
 half right. I'll choke it off in a few minits." 
 
 Having taken the usual method to recover his 
 wind, our conteur set forth, as shall appear in the 
 next chapter. 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 THE FATAL MILK BOTTLE TWO TRUTHS TO ONE LIE. 
 
 " THE first night we was in Charleston, all the 
 men of our party exceptin' old Pond, met in the 
 bar-room, and was a smokin' away, and takin' 
 comfort " 
 
 " Wer that ar red-eye, or old peach ?" inter- 
 rupted Uncle Billy. 
 
 " Neither one ner tother, and don't you go to 
 runnin' any of yer rigs, nor pokin' fun at me, ma- 
 jer, if ye want this yarn spun out to-night. 
 
 As I was sayin', Pond wasn't there, and we 
 missed him mighty quick. 
 
 " "Where on earth's Pond ?" asked Rogers. 
 
 " Bet a horse he's in Miss James' room," ses I. 
 
 " Bet drinks," ses the major, " he ain't." 
 
 " Done," ses he and done it was, and he was, 
 too, as it turned out. 
 
 "Here, boy," ses I, to a culled individial, "jest 
 take up this newspaper to Miss Jemes's room, with 
 my compliments ; and, say, you ! jest take a 
 
 squint inside, and see who's with her. 
 
 139 
 
140 THE FATAL MILK BOTTLE. 
 
 In less than no time back comes the boy, a 
 grinnin' like a chesse-cat. 
 
 " I done, done it, mossa," ses he. " She's dret- 
 ful 'bilged, and da's no body da, only de ole 
 gempleman who da come down to de table wid 
 her." 
 
 " And what on airth are they doin' up there ?" 
 I asked. 
 
 " Well, I dunno zackly," ses the boy. " 'spec 
 dey was sparkin' a little, das all." 
 
 " What makes you guess so ?" ses I. 
 
 " Why you see, mossa," -ses he, a grinnin 7 , and 
 a scratchin' among the wool, " da was only one 
 chear a standin' out in de room, and dey bofe 
 turned mighty red when I poke my head in da." 
 
 " Well," ses I, " there's a quarter ; now travel, 
 and jest shut up shop about this." 
 
 The major paid up like a man, and we sot in to 
 layin' plans, and at last I hatched one out, that 
 they give in was first chop A. ~No. 1 if we 
 could only find out the right man to work it. 
 
 " Old Frenchy '11 fix us out, I know," ses I ; 
 " and I motion, we visit him to-morrow evenin', 
 accordin' to his invite." 
 
 They all agreed ; and the next day, arter din- 
 ner, we all sot out to find his shop. That wasn't 
 much trouble, but finding him was ; for the old 
 woman a little apple-dumplin' of a body, just 
 
SENSIBLE TO THE LAST. 141 
 
 like him told us he'd gone out to a garden, to 
 make a fate with his friends, and celebrate his 
 return. 
 
 Arter walkin, and huntin' and askin', for nigh 
 onto an hour, we found it, and we found him, and 
 we found a lot of Crapo's with him. 
 
 They'd been at their high strikes, and was putty 
 well up in the picters. The empty bottles was 
 layin' around putty thick, and the company gin- 
 rally was a howlin' out French songs evry man 
 on his own hook. 
 
 The old man, though, was sensible to the last, 
 and could listen to bisnis, but not till he'd hugged 
 us all round, and druv a bottle of most amazin' 
 sour wine down every one's throat. 
 
 When I got him to listen to reason, I told him 
 jest what we wanted a barber, who was smart 
 enough to play out the play we'd fixed up for 
 him. 
 
 " I got ze vary man here," says he "Monsher 
 Auguste, my moss eentemate friend he is freezer 
 like to no body in all Char-less-tone." 
 
 " Freezer ! You punkin-head" interrupted 
 Allen "friseur you mean, I suppose." 
 
 "Well, I guess" continued Bunce "they're 
 putty much the same when they're biled. I don't 
 understand much forrin lingo, and tell you what 
 
14:2 THE FATAL MILK BOTTLE. 
 
 he told me ; and don't you bother me no more, 
 if you want my story told out." 
 
 " Agreed," said the Doctor ; " go ahead." 
 
 " I will," replied Bunce, " but for the gracious 
 sakes don't bother any more. Well, you see, I 
 felt dreadful uncertin about any man in that com- 
 pany being sober enough to carry out the joke, 
 but I didn't like to give offence ; and so, ses I 
 
 " But, monsheer, havn't your friends been en- 
 jien' themselves rather too much to carry this 
 thing out straight as a ramrod ?" 
 
 " Not one beet," ses he, " Auguste shall do 
 avry sing juste so you tell heem. Monsheer 
 Auguste, you please come zis way one menute." 
 
 Monsheer Auguste come out, and considerin' 
 what kind of red flannel he'd lined his jacket 
 with, got hold of my idees amazin 1 quick. 
 
 We had consideble diffikelty in gittin' away 
 from the company, but made out at last, and got 
 back to our hotel afore supper-time. 
 
 We all got supper, and kinder sot round the 
 bar-room, a smokin' and a talkin', and a guessin' 
 how it would all turn out, when, after an hour or 
 so, a waiter come in, and told me that some one 
 wanted to see me. 
 
 Out I went, and there, sure enough, was mon- 
 sheer Auguste, in full dress barber rig white 
 apron, tin box, and all complete and bang up. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF A BOW. 143 
 
 I called the boys, and up stairs we went, awful 
 still and quiet. When we got near the room, we 
 stuck ourselves agin the wall, so's to be out of 
 sight, but hear the fun. 
 
 The barber goes to the door, and taps plaguy 
 soft ; no one conies. Then harder ; no one yet. 
 Then a regular rat-tat-too. 
 
 Then the door opens, and a gal's voice asks, 
 
 " Who's there ? What do you want 2" 
 
 " Ees Monsheer Pond een ?" asks the barber 
 taking off his hat dredf ul perlite. 
 
 " Ye-e s," drawled out the gal, considable asha- 
 med like. 
 
 " I moss see him emajatlee, vary particulear," 
 answers Auguste. 
 
 " The door opens, we hear Pond walkin 7 towards 
 it, and Auguste walks in. 
 
 " What in thunder do you want with me ? who 
 are you ? and who sent you here ?'* growled out 
 Pond, as cross as a bear with a sore head. 
 
 " I come to ze hotel," says Auguste, " I go to 
 ze bar-keep, I ask for Monsheer Pond, and ze bar- 
 keep tell ze boy, * you shall show zis gentilman to 
 Monsheer Pond. You weel find heem in zat 
 ladese room where he always stay 7 and so he 
 show me op." 
 
 Jest then I happened to see the door opposite 
 Miss Jemeses was partly open, so I kinder slipt in 
 
144 THE FATAL MILK BOTTLE. 
 
 without makin' any fuss they was too busy to 
 take notice of me pushed my door clean open, 
 and stood in the dark to see the fun. 
 
 When Pond heard the monsheer's account of 
 his " gittin 7 up stairs," he blew out like a house 
 a'fire. 
 
 " Confound the bar-keeper ; and confound his 
 impidence ; and confound this house ; and darn 
 me if ever I set foot in't agin. And as for you, 
 mister, now you have found me, what in creation 
 do you want ?" 
 
 " I am Monsheer Auguste, ze freezer, zat you 
 send for," ses the barber. 
 
 " 1 sent for," ses Pond. " And what should 1 
 send for you for ?" 
 
 " You moss have vare bad memry, monsheer ; 
 you have send fore me fore dress your veeg" an- 
 swers barber. 
 
 " My veeg ! you impartinent jackanapes. I 
 ain't got no wig; I don't wear no wig," roared out 
 Pond. 
 
 " Pardon, monsheer, I am not jack-and-ape, 
 and you do vare a veeg. I can see him now juste 
 so plain as noting at all." 
 
 " You lie, you French scoundrel. You've been 
 sent to insult me, Pve got no wig." 
 
 " Ensulte you ? You ensulte me. I am gen til- 
 home; artiste; you shall fight wiz me. Sakray 
 
" SUCH A GETTING DOWN STAIRS." 145 
 
 blue ! Ma'msel, I call you for weetnase ; he got 
 no veeg, aha ! Zen zis not his propaty [here he 
 made a dash at Pond, and snatched the disputed 
 article off his head] and out he go pouff !" 
 
 And out it went for sartin ; the winder was 
 open, and the wig was in the street afore you 
 could say Jack Kobinson. The barber had got a 
 leetle too much excited, and played a plaguy sight 
 stronger game than we'd chalked out for him. 
 
 The gal squealed right out. Pond was dum- 
 struck for a minit, then made a dive for the bar- 
 ber barber made a dive for the door; through 
 the passage both went, tarin' like mad. Jest as 
 barber got to the stair-head Pond grabbed him, 
 and away they went, head over heels, rolling 
 down. Barber's box flew open, and the powder 
 flew out, coverin' both of 'em all over, and pla- 
 guy nigh chokin' 'em to death. 
 
 They landed in the next passage, and was 
 picked up by some of the crowd the rumpus had 
 raised. Barber coughs awful, slaps his hat on his 
 head with a dredful savage air, shakes his fist at 
 Pond, and marches out. Pond stands a minit, all 
 struck up, coughs too, and tries to clear his mouth 
 of the powder, then claps his hand to his head, and 
 scuds for his room under bare poles. 
 
 Well, boys, the eend of the matter was, that the 
 wig was found in the gutter, in a dredful nasty fix. 
 10 
 
146 THE FATAL MILK BOTTLE. 
 
 Pond lay a bed next day, while it was docterM up, 
 and Miss Jemes was off in the first train for Ham- 
 burg next mornin'." 
 
 " And so ends the episode of Pond's wig," said 
 Milward. " But Sam, don't you think you acted 
 very wrong, in breaking up a match, that might 
 have resulted in happiness to both parties, even if 
 one did wear a wig." 
 
 " Don't know about the happiness part of the 
 bisniss," answered Bunce ; " think it most amazin' 
 unsartin, and didn't break off the match nither." 
 
 " How do you know ?" asked the Judge. 
 
 " Why," aswered Bunce, " I'll tell you. About 
 two years after I was to Milledgeville, awaitin' 
 the stage for Augusty, and when it come in, it 
 come sorter double-barrell'd the reglar stage was 
 jam full, and there was an extra put on, and that 
 was jam full too, and a leetle more. Well, I got 
 in ; I sot on the front seat, and there was a man 
 and his wife and baby on it besides, and a leetle 
 she darkey sorter nuss like curled up in the 
 stage bottom, top of our feet. 
 
 There's no tellin' what an amazin' awful fix the 
 roads was in. It had been astonishing wet and 
 muddy, and then jest turned cold, and froze up 
 the ruts jest as they was. 
 
 Well, away we went, rumpity bump our dri- 
 ver keeping up with the mail, and makin' out to 
 
UPS AND DOWNS. 14:7 
 
 get to the next stage-house without upsetting 
 though I guess if the Fejees hadketched us they'd 
 have found some mighty tender steaks among the 
 party. 
 
 At this house our driver quit, and went back on 
 a return stage, and the old boy was to pay. 
 There was a piece of road ahead so awful bad that 
 the stage must go through the woods to get round 
 it ; and that wasn't the worst nither, for they put 
 a chap on our stage that never drove on the line 
 afore, and ordered him to keep up with the mail, 
 whatever happened. 
 
 Now it was between midnight and day-break, 
 cold as blue blazes, and dark as a pocket in a 
 shirt, and the mail couldn't be seen only by keepin* 
 right slap agin it. 
 
 By mighty ! didn't we catch it though ; the 
 mail driver knew all the bad spots, and druv 
 round 'em or went over 'em easy, but our chap 
 had to go right straight on through everything 
 and over everything every once in a while run- 
 ning slap into the mail, and bringing up with a 
 jerk that sent us sky high. 
 
 One minit we'd be a mashin' our hats and a 
 poundin' our heads agin the top of the stage, and 
 in half a shake reducin' t'other extremity to a hu- 
 man jelly. 
 
 That unfortunit baby, what a churnin' up it got. 
 
148 THE FATAJ, MILK BOTTLE. 
 
 [ expected every minit its nateral food would be 
 turned into butter, go agin its stomach, and per- 
 duce the nateral consequences; and when the 
 poor critter was shifted over to my side of the 
 house, I screwed up my courage, and prepared 
 for the worst. 
 
 We come at last to a long hill ; down we went 
 on a dead run. At the bottom was a Georgy rail- 
 road, and an astonishing bad mud-hole. The na- 
 tion ! when we struck it, up we all went like so 
 many sky-rackets, and down we come like a thou- 
 sand of brick. The darkey got wedged in, and 
 couldn't get down agin, and when we touched bot- 
 tom, there she lay full length across our laps ; but 
 that wasn't all the man next me give a most un- 
 arthly yell, and holler'd out 
 
 Oh ! I'm dead ! I m killed ! I'm ruinated ! 
 Oh, the massy! Stop the stage, for the good- 
 ness sakes." 
 
 " What on earth's the matter ?" squalls out his 
 wife. 
 
 " Oh ! that bottle broke, and cut me all to pie- 
 ces ; blood's a runnin' ; I'm a soakin' in it. I'm 
 faintin'. I'm a goin' fast. Oh, stop the stage, 
 and take the baby." 
 
 There was a dredf ul row ; everybody hollerin' ; 
 wife, she-darky, and baby squallin', and wounded 
 man a groanin', and sayin' his prayers. 
 
BOTTOMRY SURVEY. 149 
 
 "Well, we got the stage stopped at last, both 
 lamps off the box, man out on the ground, and 
 commenced surveyin' the damages. There wasn't 
 cut, ner scratch, ner bruise, only what was the 
 nateral result of the bumpin' ; but his breeches 
 was soaked through with milk, and one of his coat- 
 tail pockets full of broken glass. The poor fright- 
 ened critter had come down kolumpus on a quart 
 bottle of milk baby stores made an everlastin' 
 smash of it, and the warm milk he'd mistook for 
 blood. 
 
 But that wasn't all ; for when we'd done our 
 survey, I raised the lamp, and if it wasn't old 
 Pond and his wife Miss Jemes that had been 
 I'd been a ridin' long side of, I wish I may be 
 chissel'd. I was most amazin perlite the rest of 
 the way, and took turns holdin' the baby; but 
 don't ye think, they never give me an invite to 
 come and stop with 'em, when I went to Selmy, 
 though I told 'em I was expectin' to be there afore 
 spring." 
 
 (At this moment a peculiar sound like the rend- 
 ing asunder of a strong piece of cotton cloth was 
 heard in the room, although no one appeared to 
 notice it but myself.) 
 
 " Sam," asked the Judge, " do you expect us to 
 take all your stories for gospel 1" 
 
 " Well, I don't know," he replied, " that de- 
 
150 THE FATAL MILK BOTTLE. 
 
 pends mostly upon yourselves. Folks that's givin' 
 to makin' things outer whole cloth ain't over apt 
 to swaller all they hear." 
 
 " Why, you impertinent" began the Judge. 
 
 " Oh, never mind," interrupted Bunce ; " didn't 
 mean nothin', but rather guess I'd best tell you a 
 short story; 't ain't very new, but it comes putty 
 much to the pint. 
 
 An Indian once went into a trader's store down 
 to Maine, and offered to sell a deer for a quart of 
 rum. 
 
 " Where's your deer ?" asked the trader. 
 
 " You know great bend in brook mile so ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " You know great tree, most on bank ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " You go to brook, you go to tree, you find 'em 
 deer hangin' on 'em tree." 
 
 The trader measured out his rum, and sent after 
 the deer, but that was among the missin ? . 
 
 A week or so afterwards the trader see the 
 Indian in the street, and stopped him. 
 
 " You rascal," says he, " where's the deer I tra- 
 ded for t'other day ?" 
 
 " You no find 'em brook?" asked red skin. 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " You no find 'em tree ?" 
 , "Yes." 
 
A MOKAL MAN. 151 
 
 "Ugh! two truths for one lie, good for Indian." 
 
 " Well," said the Judge, " I accept the point, 
 and shall enter a rule, that in future it shall apply 
 to your yarns, Sam ; but as you are decidedly a 
 moral man, let's know what moral you deduce 
 from all this." 
 
 " A grist of 'em," replied Bunce. " Never 
 judge of a man's age by his hair, ner a woman's, 
 by her curls, ner of nither as you would a horse 
 by the teeth. All is n't gold that's shiney. Don't 
 carry milk-bottles in your coat tails in stages over 
 bad roads; and above all, if you get two truths 
 for one lie, as you go along through the world, be 
 satisfied ; you've done better 'n the average." 
 
 [Here I again heard a riri-i-ip^ louder and more 
 prolonged than the former.] 
 
 " Well," said Bunce, " I shouldn't wonder if 
 some one'd got a consideble turkey on." 
 
CHAPTER XV. 
 
 GETTING A TURKEY ON A "GENERAL" HUNT." 
 
 " TURKEY, yourself, you desateful varmint," 
 exclaimed Uncle Billy jumping up, and trying 
 to look excessively wide awake ; in fact, as if he 
 had not been asleep for six months. Turkey 
 yerself, ye owdacious rebel. I were ondly givin' 
 a satisfied grunt, that your jo-fired, long, dry story 
 wer done told. Now, look heah, Nutmegs, Sam 
 Slick, Jed Bunce, er whatsomever name ye like, 
 ye don't know what c gittin' a turkey on 7 means, 
 ner whar it come from, nor how it got thar ; Pm 
 dog-on ef ye do." 
 
 " Well, well," said Allen, " Uncle Billy, that's 
 rather rich, considering how many turkeys Sam 
 has shouldered in his time, and how distressingly , 
 fat some of them were." 
 
 "There, Doctor, that'll do," returned Bunce. 
 " You're a helpin' my case amazinly, and a makin' 
 it a nation sight better. Pve heard of darnation 
 good-natur'd friends, and kinder guess you belong 
 to that litter ; but you're " barkin' up the wrong 
 152 
 
A DRY RIDE. 153 
 
 tree," as Uncle Billy ses. He only put that out 
 for a kinder wheel, to spin a yarn on ; and I 
 shouldn't wonder a mite if the old man was right. 
 I'll say for certin 1 never had any idee where the 
 sayin' come from, nor how it got the meanin' 
 tacked to it." 
 
 " Eight as usual, Sam," said Milward ; " that's 
 just it. Now, Mr. Roberts, you might as well out 
 with it. Where did that saying come from ?' J 
 
 " Well, boys," commenced Uncle Billy, "I'm in 
 for't, that's a fact, and I wish I had let it alone. 
 I'm willin' to talk all the rest of the night, and 
 hit's half gone aready ; but dern my skin ef this 
 is any too safe a critter to ride. Why, if half the 
 men in this settlement knew what I wer' a tellin', 
 I'm dog-on ef they wouldn't rout out and give 
 your Uncle Billy a dry ride. You'd see me, in 
 consideble less than no time, cavortin' around 
 town dern putty town, ain't it ? mounted on a 
 wooden poney, and the biggest eend of t'other 
 half would be a laughin' at the fun. 
 
 I don't mind you, boys, but rayther reckon it 
 ain't safe to name names, and so I'll jest say I 
 allow most on ye know a certin man, a most aston- 
 ishin' big catfish, that I'll call the Ginral. I 
 reckon ye'll be mighty apt to tell who I mean." 
 
 We assured him that it was not over difficult to 
 know who was intended. 
 
154 GETTING A TURKEY ON A " GENERAL 3 ' HUNT. 
 
 " Well, boys, I reckoned so," resumed Eoberts. 
 " I reckoned so. Now I'll tell ye one or two rale 
 curus things about the Ginral ; but mind, you're 
 bound to keep shady, and not git me inter a diffi- 
 kilty. Some years ago, and, come to think on't, 
 a smart time it is much's seven er eight the 
 Ginral had his bills up for a high office, and it 
 wer allowed putty much all over that he'd get it, 
 too. One part of the settlers hated him worse 'n 
 pison, and one part wer ready to fall down on 
 thar bare knees to him ; and one chap old Cunle 
 Black it war univarsally allowed expected to go 
 the Ginral, when he died. 
 
 The settlers wer putty much split in two about 
 him part fer, and part aginst; and about the 
 same number both sides. Hit were mighty clar 
 that his election depended upon two other sort of 
 people. 
 
 Fust, thar wer all the rowdies, and blacklegs, and 
 horse-jockies, that hung around the towns they 
 wer bound to vote fer him ; but there wer a great 
 many quiet, docious new comers merchants, doc- 
 tors, lawyers, preachers, and teachers, and land- 
 hunters. "Well, these new settlers wer mostly 
 from the Yankee settlements, and didn't believe 
 much in keerds, nor whiskey, nor rowdyism ; and 
 the Ginral's enemies rayther reckon'd ef they could 
 
A HALF-BREED TAYERN. 155 
 
 show him up to them, they could lick him up like 
 salt. 
 
 Now Houston, whar the capitel wer then, wer 
 fairly runnin' over with these new comers ; and 
 the Ginral's friends tried to keep him out of thar 
 way, but t'warnt no sorter use. Up to town he 
 would go> and when he got thar he kept on goin', 
 tell he got as high as ninety. 
 
 Some of the other party got scent of this, and 
 sot out to find him, and trot him around town ; 
 but the Ginral, fur gone as he was, reckon'd he'd 
 best go a heap further, and get clar outer the 
 way. 
 
 Thar wer an old Madam Mars, or some setch 
 name, that hed been a leetle given to pisonin' and 
 setch like amusements, and the Ginral hed saved 
 her neck from bein' lengthened out ; so they wer 
 the greatest kind of friends. The Ginral made fer 
 her cabin, and lucky he did, fer the party wer 
 barkin 3 right piert on his trail. 
 
 The old woman sighted 'em, and told the Ginral 
 to get under the bed dfo'-rectly. 
 
 Now, Madam Mars kep a kinder half breed 
 tavern, part way betwixt an eatin' house and a 
 boardin' house. Thar wer a smart chaince of 
 eatin' and some little sleepin' done in it, and thar 
 wer spread out on a table a big roast turkey and 
 all sorts of fixins. The Ginral sot eyes on the 
 
156 GETTING A TUKKEY ON A " GENERAL 7 ' HUNT. 
 
 turkey, grabbed it, and ducked under the bed jest 
 as the men come in. 
 
 " Is the Ginral heah, madam?" asked one of the 
 men. 
 
 "Passed through jest this minit," says she. 
 " Went out the back door into the lot. I couldn't 
 think what made him in setch a hurry." 
 
 To the back door they went, and found a man 
 they'd been smart enough to send round that way. 
 So seem' the Madam hed been stockin 7 the keerds 
 on 7 em, they begin to smell a bug. 
 
 " Let's go in and hev dinner,' 7 ses one, and in 
 they went. 
 
 The Madam tried hard to get shut of 'em, but 
 'twouldn't do. She told 'em there'd been a fine 
 fat turkey on the table, but a dog come in, stole 
 it, and run off. 
 
 " Tears to me, madam," ses one ; " 'pears to me 
 I kin hear him now under the bed, a growlin' and 
 a crackin' the bones." 
 
 " Oh no, sir,' 7 ses she, "! swept the room, under 
 the bed and all, the minit afore you come in." 
 
 I reckon you know, boys, what a powerful big 
 bump of vanity the Ginral's got. I've hearn how 
 many horse power it wer equal to, but sort of dis- 
 remember ; though they do say he's got enough 
 to stock seventeen gals, nine madams, seven grass 
 
THE ORIGINAL TURKEY. 157 
 
 widers, and five real ones. The boys that were 
 arter him knew it, too. 
 
 " He's heah," whispers one on 'em ; " how '11 we 
 manage to trot him out ?" 
 
 " His bump of vanity's big as a base drum," 
 ses another ; " let's play on it." 
 
 And so they did. One said he wouldn't dar to 
 go home to his old woman, without seein' the 
 great Ginral that allers licked the Mexikins to get 
 an appetite fer breakfast. Another, that he'd 
 come clar from Maine to see him. A third said 
 that he wer bound to be next President of the 
 United States ; that the people would declare war 
 on Texas, ef she wouldn't give him up to 'em ; and 
 at last a man said, you might put "Washington, 
 and Ginral Jackson, and Boneyparty, and Docter 
 Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson into a kittle, and 
 bile 'em down, and they all wouldn't make a man 
 like the Ginral. 
 
 The Ginral couldn't stand it no longer, and out 
 he crawls, and a most powerful putty figger he 
 cut. He stuck to his turkey, and gnawed away 
 at it like a dog, holdin 7 it by the neck in one hand 
 and the drumsticks in t'other ; and without stop- 
 pin' his eatin', ses he, 
 
 " Gelmen fu wa see the Genl, he-is." They 
 wer powerful glad to see him, and wanted to shake 
 hands ; but no, he wouldn't leave his turkey ; then 
 
158 GETTING A TURKEY ON A " GENERAL," HUNT. 
 
 they give him an invite to go out and licker ; and 
 out he'd hev gone, ondly the madam declared 
 war, and with a knife in one hand and broom- 
 stick in t'other, druv the strangers out. 
 
 When they got back to the tavern, every one 
 got round 'em, asking about the Ginral. 
 
 "Wharishe?" " Hev you seen him ?" "Why 
 didn't you trot him out ?" 
 
 "Gentle-ra^," ses one on 'em, "we hev seen 
 the Gineral, and he's got a most owdacious lig tur- 
 key on. 
 
 Ef they didn't trot the Ginral out they trotted 
 the story round, mighty apt I tell ye. It did a 
 smart chaince of damage, but didn't do quite 
 enough." 
 
 " Mr. Koberts," asked Judge Kicord, " did you 
 ever hear the gentleman swear ?" 
 
 " Well, Judge," replied Eoberts, " I couldn't 
 justly say I ivir did ; prehaps I ain't a good judge 
 of the article seein's I hevn't done much at it 
 sense I got religion but I hev heard him cuss tell 
 iv'ry thing turned blue. Ef hit wer plain swearin' 
 I niver heard none afore, and ef it wer cussin' 
 which I recon's about a huckleberry above swear- 
 in's pesimmon I niver want to agin." 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 THE BIG BTJCKSKIK BREECHES AND THE LITTLE DUTCH 
 TAILOE. 
 
 "I BELIEVE you are right, Mr. Roberts," said 
 Ricord, " I don't think his equal in that line was 
 ever born. Three legged Willie could outswear 
 all the Mississippi steamboat mates ut together, 
 but in his wildest fits was never a priming to the 
 General. The first time that I ever heard him, 
 the whole affair was so excessively ludicrous and 
 so extremely horrible that I shall never forget it. 
 
 It was in this very room, and thus it came 
 about. 
 
 He had been sent for, to lead in the most im- 
 portant case that ever was brought before our Dis- 
 trict Court, or probably that ever will be. Half 
 the negroes in this county had been run off from 
 Alabama, and I have never blamed their owners 
 for it. The bank made loans right and left, filled 
 their hands with rag currency, and then shut 
 
 159 
 
160 THE BIG BUCKSKIN BKEECHES. 
 
 down upon them, failed, seized upon everything 
 that they could, and sold it off at auction for a 
 song, so that a planter not in debt over twenty 
 per cent, of his property would have been abso- 
 lutely ruined if he had submitted to an action. 
 
 After the affair lay dormant some years, the 
 bank began to stir in it ; sent an agent over to 
 procure counsel, which he did with much diffi- 
 culty although at a distance from here and the 
 next term the suit came on. The papers and 
 record testimony had been prepared with the 
 utmost care, and by the ablest counsel in Ala- 
 bama ; their counsel here were superior to those 
 first engaged on the plaintiff's side ; and although 
 only one suit* was brought, yet being a test ques- 
 tion involving perhaps a quarter of a million 
 the county was stirred up, and the settlers buzzed 
 about, held meetings, made speeches, published 
 threatening circulars, and in fact put me in mind 
 of the amiable denizens of a hornet's nest, when 
 their homestead has had a writ of ejectment 
 served upon it in the shape of a long pole with a 
 boy at the end. 
 
 Well, our people being very patriotic, the Gen- 
 eral was to lead, and his juniors were all gentle- 
 men who had figured at some time in our army 
 list. There was one colonel in the lot, but although 
 
CHANGING E^taT. 161 
 
 worth all the rest put together, he was deemed a 
 mere nobody. 
 
 The General's practice had laid dormant so long 
 that no one knew much about his legal abilities, 
 but he was the General, and that was enough for 
 his clients. The case came on, and in fifteen 
 minutes after he commenced speaking, the Gene- 
 ral had nearly ruined the cause. His coadjutors 
 saw that something must be done, and managed 
 to choke him off how I never knew. Then 
 another General arose, but he was completely in 
 the fog this not being his part and he dawdled 
 on until the court adjourned for dinner. 
 
 At that time I occupied the small house on the 
 other side of the yard. One or two of the junior 
 counsel for the defendant came in, and with them 
 Judge Franklin, the shrewdest and quickest wit- 
 ted, if not the deepest lawyer in Texas. He amu- 
 sed himself first by proving how their cause could 
 be defended to a certainty. His hearers drank 
 it all in with thirsty ears, believed it all, and evi- 
 dently intended to take the course laid down. 
 Then Franklin changed front, undermined his 
 own arguments, and showed very conclusively 
 that there was not the slightest chance for the de- 
 fence. Their countenances went down to zero in 
 double-quick time. 
 11 
 
162 THE BIG BUCKSKIN BREECHES. 
 
 After looking at them a moment. Franklin 
 burst into a loud laugh, and said 
 
 " Boys, if you had relied on yourselves, and not 
 on the old grannies who lead you, you might have 
 done something. I can throw that case out of 
 court in fifteen minutes." 
 
 The council had been fairly dazzled and bewil- 
 dered by the brilliance of his rhetoric; they 
 believed him immediately ; left, had a consulta- 
 tion with their seniors and the committee who 
 by this time had discovered that the defence 
 would be safer in the hands of great lawyers, 
 than in those of great generals and the conse- 
 quence was that Franklin received an invitation 
 to lead. 
 
 He consented, on the condition that he should 
 not be tramelled or interfered with. This was a 
 great triumph for him, as he was anything but 
 popular with the bar, from his habit of completely 
 identifying himself with his client's cause ; grasp- 
 ing at every legal advantage, holding on to every 
 inch gained, and never showing mercy to dilatory 
 or careless opponents. 
 
 He was as good as his word. He calmly asked 
 the court for a non-suit, upon the ground that the 
 suit was brought by a nullity, said to be a corpo- 
 ration existing at one time in Alabama, but of 
 whose existence or legal corporate powers not a 
 
,cr ^ 
 
 AFANOlB) 163 
 
 shadow of proof was furnished. The opposite 
 counsel squabbled awhile, but were so taken 
 aback by this sudden squall, that their craft 
 became unmanageable in fact they began to 
 deem it unseaworthy. They boxed the compass 
 without making a point, and Judge Norton sus- 
 tained the non-suit. 
 
 The case was afterwards carried up to the Su- 
 preme Bench, and they sustained the decision of 
 the lower court. So ended the Bank war. 
 
 Now all this was not exactly nuts to the old 
 General ; and he would have been in a horrid hu- 
 mor, but for one consolation, which was neither 
 more nor less than a prospect of the speedy com- 
 pletion of two pairs of magnificent buckskin 
 breeches. 
 
 You probably all know his peculiar style of rig 
 very heavy, old-fashioned, military jack-boots, 
 yellow buckskin breeches, buff vest ; coat, long 
 tailed blue, with gilt buttons, huge white beaver, 
 and an exceedingly fancy Mexican blanket, made 
 to assume a different position at least once in five 
 minutes. Of all this dress, an immaculate pair of 
 buckskins called for his principal attention, and 
 were the pride of his heart. 
 
 Now, the very day of his arrival, he had disco- 
 vered in a certain store some fine yellow buck- 
 skins, very heavy, of superior quality, and admi- 
 
164: THE BIG- BUCKSKIN BREECHES. 
 
 rably dressed. He bought them instantly, and in 
 a few minutes the crowd in the street were treated 
 to a rare sight, the great general at least six feet 
 and a half in height walking arm-in-arm, and 
 conversing in his most mellifluous style, with a 
 poor little duck-legged Dutch tailor, almost a 
 dwarf, who might with very high-heeled boots 
 have stood somewhere near four feet ten. 
 
 What object the General had in his selection of 
 this poor specimen of humanity I know not, unless 
 he thought that such a display of urbanity would 
 pay the bill. 
 
 As for the little Dutchman, he appeared to be 
 fairly overwhelmed and desperately frightened, as 
 well as excessively proud of the honor, and evi- 
 dently seemed to think that his fortune was made, 
 or if not, that after this there was nothing more 
 left to live for. 
 
 The General escorted him down to the store, 
 was there measured, and then escorted him back 
 again, saw him mounted for home, shook hands 
 warmly, and gave him a parting bow. 
 
 The night after the upset of the great Bank 
 case, I slept in that corner bed having resigned 
 iny own room temporarily and the General occu- 
 pied one in the opposite corner. During the eve- 
 ning he had been very good humored and talka- 
 tive ; but at its close, a long-legged, half-witted 
 
A TIGHT FIT. 165 
 
 Alabamian had called in, and annoyed him ex- 
 ceedingly with some very pertinent and imperti- 
 nent questions, a true solution of one of which the 
 English and French Ministers in Mexico, and the 
 invincible Santa Anna himself would have come 
 down'very heavy indeed to have obtained. 
 
 In fact, he was regularly put through a new 
 kind of catechism, and was asked, among other 
 things, whether he had " got religion" and joined 
 the Methodists ; whether he had stopped drinking 
 entirely ; and last of all, whether he was in favor 
 of annexation. 
 
 I did not much wonder at his rising on the next 
 morning with a clouded brow. His servant, who 
 came in to dress him, met with more curses than 
 coppers, but the storm did not fairly burst, until 
 when at least two-thirds dressed, he discovered 
 the new buckskins laying across the foot of his 
 bed. Then he thundered in good earnest, and 
 hurled all the expletives in the language, as I then 
 supposed, at the poor boy's head, winding up with 
 a six-shooter of an oath and an order to quit the 
 room. 
 
 Off went vest and off went pantaloons. He 
 seized the buckskins with both hands, inserted his 
 feet in the waistbands, and gave a gigantic tug. 
 Alas ! and alack-a-day ! I don't think they were 
 large enough for even the little tailor himself. 
 
166 THE BIG- BUCKSKIN BREECHES. 
 
 - 
 
 They had been stretched to their utmost limits by 
 his violent pull ; and there they were, half way 
 on, and refusing to move an inch up or down ; 
 clinging in fact to his limbs with the tenacity of 
 the Python to Laocoon. He tried to move, and 
 fell sprawling on the bed ; then he raised his voice 
 aloud for his boy, and with his assistance was 
 Boon seated in a chair. 
 
 The servant grasped the bottom of the breeches, 
 and exerted his utmost strength; the breeches 
 would not give an inch. 
 
 " Stop, sir" thundered out the General. " Do 
 you go and stand there, sir there, directly in 
 front of me, while I curse you, sir." 
 
 Such a torrent of imprecations as poured forth 
 from his lips I have never heard before nor since, 
 and never do I wish to, again. When he had 
 fairly exhausted himself and his oaths, he wound 
 up the performance with a prayer. 
 
 " And now, sir," said he, " 1 pray to G that 
 he will convert you into a living statue ; and be- 
 ginning at your feet, with living fire will burn 
 you up to the crown of your head, G d you, 
 sir. Now pull my breeches off, sir." 
 
 Having treated us to the disgusting and horri- 
 ble, down town he marched, after breakfast, to 
 give the crowd there a display of the ludicrous 
 and ridiculous. 
 
SHAKE, QTJAVER, AND BUN. 167 
 
 The street was fall, and a particularly large 
 number clustered around the court-house. Among 
 them the General looked for his quarry. Pre- 
 sently he espied his little Dutch friend, and his 
 little Dutch friend espied him. Now the Dutch- 
 man, who expected nothing less than a league of 
 land, as a present and reward from his noble 
 patron, in order to be enabled to converse with, 
 and conduct himself properly towards him, and 
 moreover, to conquer the mauvais honte which 
 so much afflicted him before, had taken occasion to 
 introduce into his system an unusually large quan- 
 tity of Dutch courage, and was now prepared to 
 meet the General upon equal terms. He ad- 
 vanced with cordial smile and extended hand. 
 The General's hand was extended also, and you 
 can imagine the poor tailor's feelings and fright, 
 when, instead of a friendly greeting, the said hand 
 grasped his collar, and nearly shook his soul out, 
 and its proprietor poured down a perfect ava- 
 lanche of curses upon his devoted head. 
 
 The grasp was relaxed, and the little Dutch- 
 man had started to run for his life, when the Gen- 
 eral roared out 
 
 " Stop, sir ! I've not done with you, sir. I'm 
 going to have you hung, sir higher than Haman, 
 sir." 
 
 Down dropped the tailor on his knees he had 
 
168 THE BIG BUCKSKIN BREECBOES. 
 
 no doubt about the hanging and begged for his 
 life like a good fellow. 
 
 " Life !" thundered the General " how dare 
 you ask for your life, when you've spoiled two such 
 pairs of buckskin breeches. Get up, sir ; go in- 
 stantly for the wretched abortions, sir; then march 
 down to the store, sir, and pay for the skins you 
 have ruined, sir. I'll give you ten minutes to do 
 it in ; and if I ever catch you in this town again 
 you shall be hung, sir, before you've time to say 
 your prayers, sir." 
 
 Away ran the tailor, amid a running accompa- 
 niment of laughter from the crowd. He carried 
 off the breeches, but probably being pressed for 
 time did not pay for the skins ; which debt the 
 General had the satisfaction of settling. 
 
 The poor tailor was never seen in this town 
 after that very night. He decamped, bag and 
 baggage the latter including his vrow for the 
 west." 
 
CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THE BRIDGE ABRIDGED AND THE PONS ASINORUM. 
 
 " COME, boys," exclaimed Uncle Billy, " I 
 reckon we've had a right smart dose of this. I 
 opened on the trail, but I'm done tired out, a 
 hearin' the Ginral cussed and dis-cussed. I've 
 hearn that he'd got religion, and come out straight 
 as a rifle-barrel. 1 ' 
 
 "Agreed," said Milward. "And now, friend 
 Sam, you gave us an idea that you were originally 
 intended for some higher career than peddling and 
 trading, and I must confess it surprises me that a 
 man of your original genius, brilliant capacities 
 and " 
 
 " Oh, psho ! You git out, Milward," inter- 
 rupted Bunce. " None of your poking fun at me. 
 If you want to know why I didn't git a liberal ed- 
 ication, and piece of sheepskin, givin' me the 
 right to breed fusses amongst my neighbors gin- 
 rally, HI tell ye. 
 
 My good old mother was the Christopher Co- 
 lumbus that first discovered my wonderful genus. 
 
 169 
 
170 THE BRIDGE ABRIDGED. 
 
 She was for makin' a preacher of me right off. 
 Father wanted me to stick to the farm, and said 
 edication would jest be ruination ; but mother 
 hung on so like all possessed that he had to give 
 in about the schooling though he wouldn't about 
 my bein' made a preacher on. There ain't no 
 priest-timber in him, ses he. He's got a nation 
 sight too much devilment in his hide for either min- 
 ister or doctor, but it don't take much stuff to make 
 a lawyer on, and if it's rufage, or shaky, or a 
 Bcant pattern, it '11 do to get some kind of squire 
 out on." 
 
 And I guess the old man was more '11 half 
 right. Take the lawyers all together, and they 
 put me amazinly in mind of a rail-road : First, 
 there's the sleepers, lazy fellers, allers a grovellin' 
 in the dirt, and doin' the meanest work, and flat 
 
 down on their stomiks ; and there they lie till 
 
 they git rottin' and then they're kicked out, and 
 pitched over mighty spry. Then come the string 
 pieces a peg above the sleepers don't do quite 
 so much dirty work, made of better timber, and a 
 little more keerful dressed, but allers held down in 
 their places by their superiors. Then comes the 
 rails ; there's good metal in them, they're the lar, 
 do a mighty sight of work, and are kept amazin' 
 bright ginrally, though now and then they get 
 rusty, when there ain't enough bisness doin' ; and 
 
POLITICS AND PLATFOKM8 171 
 
 sometimes turn ugly, and rise up snakes' heads, 
 and play thunder with lives and propety trusted 
 to 'em. Last of all is the great iron horse ; he's 
 the big bug the Judge may-be has a tender to 
 help him, that's the clerk; allers carries weight; 
 is sure to have a great crowd of folks that foller 
 arter, and depend on him, and hangs on to lots of 
 propety. When he runs off the track, or bursts 
 up, the whole people know it, and it's in all the 
 papers." 
 
 " A fair illustration, Sam," interrupted Mil- 
 ward, "but what do you do with switches and 
 switch tenders, engineers, and brakemen, and 
 id omne genus ?" 
 
 " Why, them switches, squire, I take to be po- 
 litikle ingines, and the tenders is the wire-pullers. 
 The ingineers and brakemen, they're the great 
 people, that fire up the ingine when it's goin' too 
 slow, and hold it in when it's goin' too fast. Last 
 of all, there's the platforms, allers a gittin' old and 
 rotten, and wantin 7 new planks ! Some folks get 
 out on one, and some on another, and some make 
 it a pint to try evry platform on the hull road, ef 
 they kin git a chance. 
 
 Well, this isn't gittin' ahead with my story, not 
 by a jug-full ; so here goes. 
 
 I was sent to Primville academy they didn't 
 have institutes in them days and as there wasn't 
 
172 THE BRIDGE ABRIDGED. 
 
 any boardin' house to it, the boys was scattered 
 putty much all over town. I stopped with Doc- 
 tor Lovejoy, though father wanted to get me in at 
 the principal's, but he was full. 
 
 "Now, Jed," says he, when he left me, "you'll 
 be mixed up with all kinds of boys ; try and pick 
 out good companions ; don't be mean, but don't 
 throw your money away ;" (he had been liberal 
 to me, that's a fact,) " hold yer head up with the 
 best of 'em ; and though I ain't much faith in yer 
 bein' a genus, try yer best, and may-be ye'll dis- 
 tinguish yerself who knows ?" 
 
 I did I distinguished myself afore the week 
 was out, and had did consideble towards it the 
 first day. The boys had just lost their leader; 
 he'd distinguished himself \ and got leave to stay 
 to hum at the eend of the last term. Now I do 
 cal'late I was jest about as full of it when I was a 
 boy, as the next one anywhere, and though green 
 as a punkin, yet the others was city raised, and 
 not quite up to country tricks, and somehow I 
 stepped right into the leader's empty shoes as 
 slick as grease. < 
 
 There was -a good many apples missin' in the 
 principal's orchard, and quite a pile stowed away 
 in the Doctor's garret, the first night. The next, 
 I diskivered a way of gettin' out of our room win- 
 der onto the shed, and then crawlin' into the but- 
 
" SUMMARY" PROCEEDINGS OF MRS. " WINTER." 173 
 
 tery. There wasn't as many punkin pies, by two, 
 found next mornin', and a plate of doughnuts was 
 among the missin'. 
 
 The Doctor's folks didn't say nothin', but there 
 was a curus piece of slit-work nailed up to the 
 buttery winder next day, and the supply of pies 
 and doughnuts was cut off. 
 
 I found the boys was dredful ignorant ; didn't 
 know nothin' about rabbit twich-ups, nor pat- 
 ridge snares. So I took up teaching and it's asto- 
 nishin' how quick they larnt. The swamp was 
 a full mile off, and as we had to take a squint at 
 our snares right after breakfast, consequence was, 
 when the bell rung not half the boys was in the 
 academy. 'Twasn't long afore they found out 
 who showed the boys how to set snares ; then my 
 troubles begun, and the boys who wasn't in their 
 seats at the right time was put through a certin 
 exercise, that made settin' down plaguy uneasy the 
 rest of the day. 
 
 I'd had some consideble practice in smokin' 
 native segars, so I interduced the fashion, and it 
 spread amazinly. One night the Docter's boys 
 went over to see Winter's boys. Winter was the 
 principal. I treated to segars, and we was a puf- 
 fin' away like steam-ingins. when the door opens, 
 and in come Miss Winter. She was a regler vine- 
 gar bottle, the boys was feared to death on her. 
 
174 THE BRIDGE ABRIDGED. 
 
 Ses she, "Young gentleman, smokin' is not 
 allowed here, but when you want to smoke please 
 to walk down in my parler, you and your friends." 
 And out she went. 
 
 It was prayer-meetin' night, and the folks allers 
 attended. So I cut out, and traded for a big lot 
 of segars, down we went inter the parler that 
 never saw light onst a month and we soon had 
 it so full of smoke you could'nt see acrost the 
 room. 
 
 Bimeby the folks got back, and as Miss Winter 
 passed the door, I could hear her snuff her nose, 
 and say, 
 
 " Smoke for certin. Them wretches has been 
 at it agin." And up stairs she bolted, but there 
 wasn't any smoke there. Over the house she 
 went, inter every room but ours ; then down cel- 
 lar. At last our door opened ; and the nation ! if 
 I ever saw a woman bilin' over, it was her. She 
 ketched up a shovel and fetched one of the boys 
 a " spang" with the flat of it, and laid him out 
 putty straight. The old man run in badly scared, 
 catched hold on her, jerk'd the shovel away, and 
 picked up the boy, who wasn't hurt much arter 
 all, but was smart enough to play possum ; and 
 when he got ready, come to, and grunted and 
 groaned dreadful. 
 
 " Now *bat the boy has recovered, and there's 
 
MISCHIEF AFOOT. 175 
 
 no serus mischief done," ses Winter, " I'd jest like 
 to know what possess'd you to come into my best 
 room and defile it with filthy smoke." 
 
 " / told the rascals to," ses his wife, " but 
 hadn't any idee they'd have impedence enough to 
 do it." 
 
 "This is a bad business," ses he, "but under the 
 circumstances I shall pass it over, and let his pun- 
 ishment pintin' to the boy with his head broke 
 answer for all. I hope you'll take warnin' by 
 this, of the danger of such pranks ; and now, you 
 that belong here retire to your rooms, and you 
 that do not, to your respective homes." 
 
 If it hadn't been for that lick with the shovel 
 wouldn't we have ketch'd it, though. 
 
 There was two depity masters, one of 'em a 
 rale bunkum chap, that the boys all liked and 
 minded, and t'other a cross-grained, ugly critter, 
 that was allers a pickin' a hole in the boy's coats. 
 We'd kept a sharp look out for a chance' to pay 
 him off, and at last it come. 
 
 There was a law that no teacher ner boy should 
 go more'n a mile from the academy without 
 informin' the principal, exceptin' on our two half 
 holidays. Now, some on us found out that Dolit- 
 tle that was the cross one used to go off a 
 sparkin' most every night, and sneak off through 
 the fields, arter dark. 
 
176 THE BRIDGE ABRIDGED. 
 
 On this track he had to cross a wide and awful 
 muddy brook, and there we sat our trap. 
 
 One chilly night, arter dark, a boy saw him 
 inakin 7 a straight coat-tail for the brook, and we 
 got all ready for him. 
 
 Ten o'clock come, and four on us sneaked out, 
 pesky quiet, and lined it for the bridge. The 
 time was beautiful for our fun and no mistake ; 
 the sky had all clouded over, and one of them 
 nasty Scotch mists was a fallin'. 
 
 We took off four of the middle planks of the 
 bridge, and then hid away in the bushes by the 
 brook, and it wasn't long afore we heard his long 
 legs and big feet a comin'. 
 
 Tramp, tramp, tramp and then kersouse he 
 went into the mud and water. Didn't he holler ? 
 and when he crawled out, maybe he didn't swear 
 like a trooper. We kept monstrous still, for the 
 only danger we was in was of gettin' a lickin 7 on 
 the spot. We knew the critter dasent make any 
 fuss in school about it. I tell ye we give him a 
 wide berth and a chance to get most hum, afore 
 we started off another way, got to our house, 
 and crawled onto the shed and inter the winder. 
 
 Didn't we laugh then though woke up the 
 hull house, and the Docter came up to see what 
 was to pay; but he found us all asleep and a 
 
THE FAT IN THE FIEE. 177 
 
 Next day Dolittle looked as good-natur'd as a 
 bear with a sore head, watched all the boys sharp 
 as a needle, and would have paddled the hull 
 bilin' if he' a dared to. 
 
 He suspicioned me from the first, and plagued 
 me most to death with his lessons. I was dread- 
 ful backward, couldn't make head ner tail of 
 grammar, and didn't take to nothin' but 'rithme- 
 tic, and so, to bother me about ciphering the 
 skunk set me to work on algebry there I got 
 stalled right off. 
 
 One day ses he to me, right loud, too, afore the 
 hull school 
 
 " You're a putty feller to train for college, Jed- 
 ediah can't do a sum in algebry, not in simple 
 addition; what '11 you do in joinetry? Do you 
 ever think you'll get over the asses bridge ?" 
 
 I blazed right out, and ses I, "not if you was to 
 take off the middle planks, mister?' 
 
 The fat was all in the fire, and I'd made an 
 inimy for life, and 't wasn't long afore I felt him 
 too ; for Mr. Winter was took sick, and went to 
 the shore, and Dolittle was left head master. 
 
 The term was most done, and I went so mighty 
 straight that he couldn't get ary hold on me ; but 
 when the last night come, the boys that wasn't 
 comin 7 back set out to do a leetle job they'd plan- 
 ned long ago to give the tithing man a benefit 
 12 
 
178 THE BRIDGE ABRIDGED. 
 
 and the old Kick put it into my head to go 'long 
 with 'em. 
 
 "We raised a bang up tin-kettle and cow-horn 
 band, and played away beautiful. That didn't 
 seem to worry him ; and as there was a big stun 
 heap clus by, we thought we'd jest try what virtu 
 was in 'em, as the spellin'-book says. Bang went 
 one volley agin the winders. There was a stirrin' 
 in the house then, I guess ; and jest as bang went 
 number two, a winder was jerked up and whang 
 went an old musket slap at us, and we peeled it 
 for hum as if the old sarpent was behind. Next 
 mornin' we was all ready for the stages, when 
 long comes a constable and takes us all up, and if 
 we didn't feel mean it's a pity. 
 
 Old Squire Middleton, a lawyer, heard of it, 
 
 and come right over to the Justice's, and bailed 
 
 us all out. Then he took the biggest boy with 
 
 him, and tellin' us to keep together, and not go 
 
 away fur off, they two went together. 
 
 In half an hour back they come, and the squire 
 
 went up to the justice as bold as a lion, and called 
 
 for our discharge. 
 
 " On what grounds, Mr. Middleton?" asked the 
 
 justice. 
 
 " Because, sir, this young gentleman has settled 
 
 with the complainant, which clears the hull party. 
 
 Here is the resate, yer honor," answered the squire. 
 
SAM RECEIVES A " QUILTING." 179 
 
 " And for nine shillins!" said the justice, lookin' 
 at the resate. "What an ass! Sarves him jest 
 right, too. Boys, you're discharged, and don't let 
 me ketch you here agin. 37 
 
 I went hum in the stage that day, and had a 
 feller passenger I didn't know on a letter to my 
 father from Dolittle and in it was a full and per- 
 tickler account as the papers say of all my 
 scrapes, and a good many more I'd never thought 
 on. 
 
 Father never let on till next day; and then 
 invited me to the barn ; and when we was fairly 
 inside, he pulls out the letter, and ses he, , 
 
 " My son, the teacher writes thai your head's 
 too thick to hold anythin 7 but mischief, and 
 is not impressible. Now I'm goin' to try whether 
 t'other eend is er not." 
 
 He give me the awfullest quiltin' I ever had in 
 my born days. 
 
 And that's the way, Mr. Milward, that I lost 
 my liberal edication." 
 
 "But the moral, Sam, the moral," said Mil- 
 ward. " Your stories are like wasps the sting is 
 always in the tail." 
 
 " I'm afear'd, squire," replied Bunce " I'm 
 afear'd there ain't much moral to it, but rayther 
 t'other way. If there's any, it shows that it won't 
 do to make too free on a ginral invite ; and it 
 
180 THE BRIDGE ABRIDGED. 
 
 ain't over safe to throw stuns at winders when 
 there's a loaded musket on t'other side of the 
 panes, ner to cut up shines with folks in au- 
 thority. 
 
 " It's mighty dry talkin' so long, squire ; and I 
 guess my time's out for a while. And, as the 
 majer's either stupid or half asleep, I'd like to 
 know what sent a quiet, peaceable man like you 
 to Texas." 
 
CHAPTER xyni. 
 
 '36 AND '42 AN INVITATION TO A FEOLIO. 
 
 " As our friend, Sam Slick, here," commenced 
 Milward, " has been so free with his experience, I 
 feel it rather a duty to impart a few of my confes- 
 sions, for his benefit and that of the company. 
 
 My first appearance in New Orleans was in the 
 early part of '36, and just after the news of the 
 fall of the Alamo reached that city. New Or- 
 leans was never particularly noted for the equable 
 temperance of its inhabitants ; and this news fol- 
 lowing close upon the heels of the infamous mas- 
 sacre of Fannin' and his men, and Santa Anna's 
 bombastic and exceedingly Mexican proclamation, 
 in which he announced that " he was on his way 
 to exterminate every Texan, and that he would 
 carry his victorious flag across the Sabine, and 
 plant it in Washington/' made the inhabitants 
 about as amiable and peaceably inclined as a she 
 bear, who has just lost her cubs. 
 
 Meetings were held, men raised and armed, ves. 
 sels fitted out, money subscribed and collected 
 
 181 
 
182 '36 AND '42 AN INVITATION TO A FROLIC. 
 
 all done openly and above board. "No talk of 
 "filibustering" then, or of stopping recruits, but the 
 meetings were held in the most public places, and 
 the calls for men were posted in flaming handbills 
 all over the city. 
 
 To cap the climax, poor old General Gaines 
 took fire in a moment, and without waiting for 
 any orders from head-quarters, drew off the Uni- 
 ted States troops from New Orleans and Baton 
 Rouge; put up his handbills calling for volun- 
 teers, and with all the men at hand, off he started 
 for Texas leaving orders for the volunteers to 
 follow steamed it up the Red River, and not 
 only marched his little army to the frontier, but 
 absolutely crossed it, and advanced an hundred 
 miles into the Mexican territory, to meet the inso- 
 lent foe. 
 
 For all this, I believe he did not receive even a 
 reprimand. Those days as you are aware were 
 very different from the present times of quick 
 communication ; there was no telegraph at work, 
 and if there had been I do not believe that it 
 would have made any difference in the old war- 
 rior's movements. 
 
 If there ever was a truly chivalrous officer in 
 our army ; if there ever was a man perfectly idol- 
 ized by the South, it was he. At this time he 
 had just returned from his most disastrous cam- 
 
INDEPENDENT VOLUNTEEKS. 183 
 
 paign in Florida, and we would have supposed 
 that the results of flying directly in the face and 
 eyes of all authority, would have satisfied him for 
 a while, but before he had time even to receive an 
 official rap on the knuckles for one escapade, off 
 he bolts upon another." 
 
 "What previous affair do you refer to, Mr. Mil- 
 ward ?" interrupted Dr. Allen. 
 
 " To his scrape," continued Milward, " in the 
 late Seminole war. When it was found that the 
 Indians were not to be subdued by any such force 
 as could be raised on the spot, the government 
 despatched General Scott to collect an army of 
 volunteers in South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama 
 and Louisiana. The general went in person to 
 Charleston, Savannah, Augusta, Milledgeville and 
 Macon, to superintend the embarkation of the 
 troops; but the Alabama men rendezvoused at 
 Mobile, and both they and the New Orleans vol- 
 unteers refused to move a peg under any other 
 commander than Gaines, whose command truly 
 covered the seat of war and the States where the 
 army was raised, and he at that time was Scott's 
 senior officer. 
 
 Gaines, terribly irritated at being superseded 
 as it were, by Scott, did not require much persua- 
 sion to take the command. The troops were but 
 volunteers, after all, and could not be forced to 
 
184 '36 AND 42 AN INVITATION TO A FROLIC. 
 
 leave their own State and wage war upon the soil 
 of any other; so that the general had at least 
 some show of reason for his conduct ; but, as the 
 result proved, it would have been infinitely wiser 
 to have disbanded these men, and sent them 
 home. 
 
 Gaines marched his small force as far as the 
 Withlacooche, and there the Indians met and sur- 
 rounded him. He was forced to camp, build a 
 fort, and lay still, and at last the worst and un- 
 kindest cut of all to the poor general he had to 
 despatch a messenger to Scott, to hasten to his 
 aid ; and Scott, abandoning his plan of the cam- 
 paign, returned to help him out of the scrape. 
 
 In this manner the whole campaign was in fact 
 frustrated, and rendered worse than useless; it 
 injured the morale of our men, and gave the sava- 
 ges encouragement to protract the war, as they 
 did for three years ; and I believe upon my word, 
 if Colonel Harney had not adopted the very hu- 
 mane plan of hanging every Indian that he could 
 lay hands upon, they would be at it yet." 
 
 " Something similar," said I, " to Colonel 
 Wood's plan for terminating the Mexican war. 
 After the taking of Monterey he returned to 
 Houston, and there, in compliance with the 
 request of the citizens, delivered a lecture upon 
 the Mexican war ; in which, after describing the 
 
NEWS OF VICTOEY. 185 
 
 very charitable system adopted with regard to our 
 enemies, said there was but one practicable way 
 to terminate the war, and that was, whenever you 
 saw a Mexican to shoot him. Harney, whenever 
 he caught an Indian, hung him a plan, however 
 objectionable on the score of humanity, that pro- 
 ved remarkably successful in its results." 
 
 " The entire southwest," continued Milward, 
 " was up and arming. I left New Orleans on the 
 morning the report of San Jacinto fight had been 
 received. I was bound for Port Gibson, and 
 chanced to be the first who carried the joyful 
 news to that place. I arrived just at the close of 
 a meeting of planters and merchants, who had 
 instantly raised the necessary funds for sending a 
 full company of volunteers for Texas, and the 
 ranks had been filled up in half an hour. I told 
 them that they were too late, the thing was done, 
 the child born and christened and his name was 
 Sam, I might have added ; although, when I 
 think of it, it was called " Kusk" in those days 
 that the fight was fought and the battle won, 
 Santa Anna and Cos prisoners, and Texas free. 
 
 Of course there was an universal shout at the 
 news ; but to have looked at the volunteers, you 
 would have supposed that some terrible disaster 
 had befallen the Texan arms, instead of the 
 achievement of a great victory. They were as 
 
186 '36 AND '42 AN INVITATION TO A FROLIC. 
 
 they termed it fairly froze for a fight ; and one 
 poor fellow sat down, and cried like a child. 
 Many refused to believe it, and I was certainly 
 the most unpopular man in town. 
 
 The enthusiasm of these fire-eaters was infec- 
 tious, and then I experienced the first symptoms 
 of the Texas fever. 
 
 The next spring another grand invasion was 
 threaten'd, and another call for volunteers went 
 forth. Things did not work so easily, however ; 
 money and men came in sparingly. New Orleans 
 was flooded with recruiting officers, and I obtained 
 a commission and went to work. Before our 
 respective corps were completed, the affair was 
 over ; there was to be no fighting after all. 
 
 The men and most of the officers went on. I 
 did not. A campaign was what I wanted, not the 
 routine of camp duty living on prairie beef with- 
 out salt, with no amusement, save the quarrels of 
 the men over a game of poker, or the duels of the 
 officers, founded upon some point of precedence, 
 or imaginary honor. So I resigned, and staid at 
 home. 
 
 In the spring of '42 I had another, and perhaps 
 I might say a fatal attack of the disease. It cer- 
 tainly carried the patient off. Sam Houston, in a 
 flaming proclamation to all the world and the rest 
 of mankind, declared his intention of revelling in 
 
THE COW DRIVERS. 187 
 
 the halls of the Montezumas; and those who knew 
 him had no doubt of the 'revelling' part of the 
 business, if he could only once get in. He very 
 hospitably invited ten thousand gentlemen from 
 the States to join in the frolic. 
 
 Whether or not, the distinguished General was 
 revelling himself at the time of this liberal issue 
 of cards for a select party, is yet a mooted 
 point. 
 
 Perhaps he only wanted to create a sensation, 
 and to allay the Western irritation caused by his 
 suppression of the " Cow-drivers," who would 
 certainly have conquered Mexico, if let alone. 
 
 The border foragers in the good old times of 
 English and Scottish warfare were nothing to 
 these men. 
 
 They formed in companies, rendezvoused at 
 Bexar, crossed the Bio Grande, and drove off 
 every hoof they met with. Every man was pro- 
 vided with rifle, bowie knife, a belt full of pistols 
 and a spare horse or two. If the party was small, 
 a caviarde of horses would be staked out and left 
 perhaps sixty miles from the field of their intended 
 operations; another, some thirty miles further on, 
 and a man dropped to look after each drove. This 
 was done, so that if sharply pursued, they might 
 have fresh horses at hand to escape with their 
 booty, if they could ; without it, if they must. 
 
188 '36 AND '42 AN INVITATION TO A FROLIC. 
 
 They carried things at last very far indeed in 
 fact as far as Metamoras, and a large and daring 
 company of men absolutely drove off a caviarde 
 of horses, in sight of the eyes and under the noses 
 of their cowardly foes. 
 
 Arriving at Bexar, the men usually quarter'd 
 in the old church of the Alamo, sent for a barrel 
 of whiskey, knocked the head in, built a camp fire 
 on the stone floor, and kept open house while the 
 whiskey lasted, which was usually until near 
 morning. The next day their booty was disposed 
 of, generally at auction ; all the fine horses bring- 
 ing large prices. 
 
 A few days of frolic by day, and poker and 
 fandango by night with depleted pockets, and 
 their old thirst for adventure urging them on off 
 they would go on a new expedition, generally 
 with recruited numbers. 
 
 This system worked admirably, and while it 
 lasted San Antonio de Bexar was decidedly the 
 greatest place out of jail. The speculators and 
 merchants bought the cattle and horses for money, 
 which was sure to be left in town, all ready for 
 the next drove. 
 
 The Cow-drivers increased rapidly, in numbers, 
 skill, and daring. Banded together, they could 
 have swept the valley of the Rio Grande. From 
 being a great annoyance to the enemy, they had 
 
ARRIVAL OF THE GUESTS. 189 
 
 grown into an imminent danger. There was no 
 telling how soon they might take it into their au- 
 dacious heads to combine and sack Mier or even 
 Metamoras ; and so, according to Houston's policy, 
 they must be suppressed. 
 
 What this policy was, it is difficult to deter- 
 mine ; the result was easy to be seen the depopu- 
 lation and ruin of the West. The cause was the 
 difficulty, and the people were divided in their 
 opinion, some supposing that he acted under the 
 golden rule, of ' returning good for evil, and ab- 
 stained carefully from inflicting any injury upon 
 our enemies ; others asserting that he feared some 
 military exploit might obscure the glory of the 
 one of San Jacinto. 
 
 I will return to his proclamation. Probably to 
 his surprise, the guests began to arrive in rather 
 troublesome numbers. No less a personage than 
 an ex-governor of a leading southern State turned 
 out, and raised a regiment; Congress met, gave 
 Houston full powers to push on the invasion, 
 opened their treasury, which didn't amount to 
 much, and granted ten millions of acres of land, 
 which amounted to more. 
 
 For the system of fighting pursued by the Tex- 
 ans however, but little was required. The men 
 simply wanted ammunition, provisions, and a 
 chance to fight. If necessary, they could and 
 
190 '36 AND '42 AN INVITATION TO A FKOLIO. 
 
 generally did find these themselves ; carrying 
 their own powder and ball; fighting with their 
 own rifles, and riding their own horses ; and for 
 food, prairie beef, to which they helped them- 
 selves. 
 
 As for artillery, every attempt made with it 
 proved its inutility, and the certainty of its impe- 
 ding operations. 
 
 What then prevented a campaign, at least to 
 sweep the valley of the Bio Grande ? It could 
 have been conducted without one dollar, if ne- 
 cessary. What then prevented it ? Houston's 
 policy. 
 
 The guests arrived ; the war-spirit of the whole 
 republic was aroused. Congress urged on the 
 measure, and Houston vetoed the bill. 
 
 He fired the train, and then threw a bucket of 
 cold water upon it. In fact, acted like a boy, 
 who, stumbling upon some book of Gramarye, 
 has, to his utter amazement raised the devil, and 
 don't know how the deuce to lay him. Sam's 
 devil has not been laid yet ; during the fall of J 42 
 he raged so fiercely in the West that an universal 
 execration went forth, coupled with threats, which 
 were certainly in bad taste, and doubtless would 
 not have been carried into effect even had 
 the opportunity offered, although Houston once 
 
191 
 
 deemed it expedient to evacuate Galveston in a 
 hurry. 
 
 As I was saying, in the spring of this said year 
 I took the fever ; in the early part of summer it 
 carried me off. A large number of volunteers lay 
 in New Orleans, and the only practicable mode of 
 transportation was the steamer " Zavalla." After, 
 waiting a month, she took off half our company. 
 The officers remained with the other half. As the 
 steamer was to undergo repairs, it would certainly 
 be another month before we could be removed. 
 Something must be done. Our military chest was 
 nonest the men wearing out their clothes and 
 getting into all sorts of scrapes. Such a set of 
 rapscallions no mortal hath seen before ; soldiers 
 every man of them, and most of them had seen 
 service. 
 
 No company had hitherto marched across coun- 
 try to Houston, but some one must be the first in 
 doing everything, and we determined to try it." 
 
 "Texas mout hev gone to thunder, afore I'd 
 hev did it," interrupted Uncle Billy, whose sleepy 
 fit had left him, and who had been paying great 
 attention to Milward's story. 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 THE FAN-TAILED STEAMEK A FAST CRAB. 
 
 "!N full sight of all who walked upon the 
 Levee," resumed Milward, " lay the Texan fleet, 
 thoroughly repaired, armed, manned and equip- 
 ped ; two vessels the sloop of war Austin and 
 gun-brig Wharton. They could have carried 
 every volunteer over with perfect ease ; but the 
 fleet under the command of Commodore More 
 a better and braver sailor than whom never 
 walked the quarter deck was the very thorniest 
 of all thorns in the Mexican sides. 
 
 Houston could not keep More from fighting, 
 whenever there was a chance, and so it was part 
 of Houston's policy to destroy the fleet. His plan 
 to do this was good, decidedly ; but More was one 
 too many for him, and some more to boot. Hous- 
 ton sent the fleet to New Orleans for repairs, and 
 having run them in debt, no money was forth- 
 coming to release them from it. The fleet was 
 represented to Congress as a great and useless 
 192 
 
PROSPECTS OF A FIGHT. 193 
 
 expense, and just after the time that Mexico de- 
 clared all the ports of Texas nnder blockade, three 
 commissioners were sent to New Orleans to sell 
 the fleet. 
 
 More had friends in camp, and got wind of the 
 matter ; but before this occurred, the Yucatan 
 troubles had culminated. Houston's friend, Santa 
 Anna, determined that free they should not be, 
 any how, and so sent an army respectable as far 
 as numbers went to invest the capital by land, 
 and a fleet, comprising two large war steamers, 
 the " Montezuma" and the " Guadaloupe" fur- 
 nished by John Bull on credit, intended for our 
 benefit, and partly officered by Englishmen and 
 several sailing vessels, to assail it by sea. 
 
 Lorenzo de Zavalla, the son of our first Vice 
 President, and the son-in-law of the Governor of 
 Yucatan, hastened to New Orleans with a long 
 purse. He offered to pay all bills already incur- 
 red, and furnish all necessary funds, if More would 
 go down the coast and treat the new frigates and 
 the fleet generally to a little Yankee thunder. 
 
 More jumped at the offer ; it suited him exactly, 
 and was perfectly in his line of duty. All neces- 
 sary preparations were hurried up, and the fleet 
 on the eve of sailing, when the commissioners 
 came. 
 
 The board arrived ; the chairman, Colonel Mor- 
 13 
 
194: THE FAN-TAILED STEAMER A FAST CRAB. 
 
 gan, of New Washington, took boat, and boarded 
 the Austin, where More was walking the deck 
 and looking out for him. Morgan was invited 
 into the cabin, and there More immediately told 
 him that he knew his purpose, but requested if he 
 had any papers in his pocket that he would keep 
 them there for the present. He represented the 
 disgrace that would inevitably fall upon Texas 
 should the compact with her ally, Yucatan, not be 
 fulfilled ; that a fortnight would be sufficient for 
 its performance ; that Texas would reap a pecu- 
 niary benefit from it, arid that finally Morgan 
 should accompany him, share the glory, and as 
 soon as the affair was over, the vessels should be 
 delivered up. To all this Colonel Morgan agreed. 
 The fleet sailed immediately, and on their voy- 
 age an episode occurred, which is well worthy 
 of being mentioned. While laying at New Or- 
 leans, More discovered that a mutiny and plan for 
 the seizure of his ship was on foot. Before the 
 vessels reached the Balize six ringleaders were 
 tried, condemned, and, as soon as the " Austin" 
 was fairly at sea, hung from the yard-arm. This 
 was at the very time of the attempted mutinies on 
 the United States brig " Somers" and the sloop of 
 war " John Adams." The Texan armed schooner 
 " San Antonio," then at sea, was nevermore heard 
 from, and I have not the least doubt of the exist- 
 
THE MEXICANS OATOH IT. 195 
 
 ence of a deep-laid plan for the seizure of enough 
 armed vessels to form a formidable piratical 
 fleet. 
 
 More went to Yucatan, sought the acquaintance 
 of the Mexican frigates, and an introduction to 
 their heavy Paixhan guns. An interview was 
 speedily granted. It did not prove satisfactory to 
 the Mexicans, who, after being wofully banged 
 about for an hour or two the wind dying away 
 made their escape, frigates, brigs, and all, and 
 were not to be seen again upon any terms, while 
 More was about. 
 
 On land the Mexicans were even more unfortu- 
 nate. The Yucatanese Indians had promised 
 their assistance, if the Mexicans should invade the 
 State. 
 
 One fine morning a body of a thousand arrived. 
 The chief called upon the governor, merely to 
 inquire where the Mexicans could be found. The 
 governor requested them to take one day to 
 recruit, and then join his forces in a pitched 
 battle. 
 
 Now, the chief would not hear of recruiting. 
 They had left home to be absent three days. One 
 day to come, one day to whip the Mexicans, and 
 one day to return ; and they had taken but three 
 days' provisions. 
 
 What number of men should he send with 
 
196 THE FAN-TAILED STEAMER A FAST CRAB. 
 
 them, and what arms and ammunition did they 
 require ? 
 
 None ; nothing ; they would fight alone and in 
 their own way. Each man had his own large 
 cane-knife, and wanted nothing else, except to 
 know where the Mexicans were. 
 
 These last-mentioned heroes lay at a little town 
 some three miles distant, and were not expecting 
 so unceremonious a morning call. 
 
 To their camp the governor politely convoyed 
 the Indians, and the latter incontinently f pitched 
 in' as the New York boys say and in a very 
 few minutes the braves of the central government 
 over three thousand in number were com- 
 pletely used up, cannon taken, and everything 
 else that they could not carry off in their hasty 
 flight. 
 
 Put your Mexican on horseback, and he will 
 cavort with the best, become quite troublesome 
 with his ugly lance, even blaze away considerably 
 with his escopete at least until some one drops 
 and then he's off! Plant him behind a safe wall, 
 and he will shoot you a cannon as well as the next 
 man ; but never trust him at close quarters, where 
 bayonets and bowie knives are in fashion. He 
 can't stand it, and will not. Perhaps, like the 
 Frenchman, he may be ticklish, and does not like 
 to have sharp things pointed at him. 
 
WOKKING OUR PASSAGE. 197 
 
 "Well, well, this will not do ; if I can't rein in 
 my horses, I shall never get to Texas, to say noth- 
 ing of my telling you old news, and not so very 
 old either, but that you must be all pretty well 
 acquainted with it." 
 
 " No, no," interrupted Roberts, " talk it right 
 out my son. Uncle Billy likes it. We're most 
 on us knowin' to part on't, but there's a heap 
 that's new. Don't go to holdin' in your critters 
 on our account." 
 
 " The Red River," continued Milward, " at this 
 time was exceedingly low, and there was scarcely 
 any water on the falls at Alexandria. The steam- 
 boats up for that river were consequently few and 
 far between. Some one, however, bought one of 
 those queer up-river boats, apparently built to run 
 across country on a heavy dew drawing seven or 
 eight inches light, and eighteen to twenty-four 
 when loaded and put up bills for the upper Red 
 River ports, promising to work up to Caddo Prai- 
 rie. The owner went as captain. The price of 
 freight was enormous three or four dollars per 
 barrel. 
 
 On this craft we shipped. We were to work 
 our passage ; the officers assisting as clerks ; the 
 men as deck hands and firemen. Our intention 
 was to run up to Natchitoches where 1 expected 
 to receive quite a sum of money, due me from 
 
198 THE FAN-TAILED STEAMER A FAST CKAB. 
 
 one of the regular boats to buy baggage horses, 
 or pack mules, and to set out on foot for the ren- 
 dezvous at Austin, via Nacogdoches. 
 
 Before starting, we took an account of stock. 
 All told, it amounted to one captain, Prime ; two 
 lieutenants, Higgins and myself ; twenty- one rank 
 and file ; three dollars in actual cash ; two barrels 
 of smoked shoulders ; two ditto pilot bread ; a 
 limited quantity of coffee, sugar and tobacco, and 
 two sacks of Liverpool salt the last being a pur- 
 chase of our captain's, who began thus early to 
 show his fitness for leading a body of men on a 
 long foot march of nearly a thousand miles. 
 
 Our funds were dissipated before we had fairly 
 lost sight of the city. I had gone on board with 
 the men, and was so busy with my assumed duties 
 of clerk, that when we left I had not noticed the 
 absence of Captain Prime and Lieutenant Hig- 
 gins. Absent, however, they were, and at that 
 very moment figuring away at the St. Charles, 
 participating in a small revel, probably anticipa- 
 tory of the extensive one they were to enjoy when 
 their feet should be once fairly within the doors, 
 and their legs under the mahogany of the halls of 
 the Montezumas. 
 
 Our boat was built rather for service than 
 either beauty or speed. Scow-bottomed, stern- 
 wheeled, two-boilered, with an engine of, I should 
 
A BACK LEGS VS. PADDLES. 199 
 
 think, near the power of nine horses and one 
 yearling colt, it was at first rather a mooted point 
 whether the boat would take us up the Missis- 
 sippi, or the Mississippi should take us down to 
 the Balize. Our engineer was, however, a deter- 
 mined man. He ordered half a pound of rosin 
 and a small pine knot to be thrown into each fur- 
 nace. We began to propel and soon gained a 
 speed of two or three miles an hour. We had 
 wriggled along a little above Carrolton, and the 
 shades of night were closing around, when a shout 
 from the bank called our attention to two bodies, 
 two pairs of swiftly moving legs, and four arms 
 extended aloft, waving two hats that evidently 
 belonged to the heads attached to the aforesaid 
 bodies. We neared the bank, and were hailed by 
 our two delinquents. 
 
 " Mechanic ahoy ! Take us aboard." 
 
 "Can't stop," replies captain. "Push along, 
 keep movin ? ; we'll wood afore midnight, and per- 
 haps it mout be on your side the drink." 
 
 Our foot passengers begged hard, and promised 
 sums of money, utterly impossible to them but 
 the captain determined to make them sweat for 
 their negligence; and on we went for half an 
 hour longer. 
 
 Our men, who enjoyed the fun at first, began to 
 be surly, for they knew that Prime had important 
 
200 THE FAN-TAILED STEAMER 1 FAST CRAB. 
 
 letters to Houston, and that the manner of our 
 reception would depend very much upon them. 
 So the captain deemed it safest to stop and pick 
 up our two estrays. Those two gentlemen had 
 emptied our military chest, in paying a cabman to 
 take them up the Levee, in pursuit of the boat. 
 For the three dollars, he drove them at full speed 
 as far as Carrolton, but would not go a step fur- 
 ther; so discharging his cargo, left them to follow 
 the boat on their own legs if they chose. 
 
 Having taken them on board, we again wriggled 
 on our way rejoicing. After a due time say ten 
 days or a fortnight we arrived at Alexandria; 
 and here nothing but bad news met us. The boat 
 that was indebted to me was reported to be sunk 
 in the Bon Dieu, or Bonjee, as they called it ; the 
 water on the falls would not have floated a skiff, 
 and we were forced to change somewhat the order 
 of our going in fact, instead of the Nacogdoches 
 road, to take the route to the second ferry on the 
 Sabine ; and then, via Jasper, Bevilport, and 
 Swartwout, to Houston. 
 
 We first marched to the Market-place, but 
 evacuated it, on finding one of the meat tables 
 the market was over for the day occupied by 
 rather a rough customer, who had just been dis- 
 charged from a steamer, under the idea that his 
 general health was not good, and that he was 
 
QUITE CUT UP. 201 
 
 slightly troubled with the yellow fever. So the 
 boatman took up his bed and board made of 
 three-inch plank at the Market Hotel. He 
 wanted no help, did not feel much sick, and ex- 
 pected to get over it by night. He did get 
 entirely over it ; in four hours had quit this trou- 
 blesome sphere, and was neatly dissected where 
 he lay ; most of our privates witnessing the ope- 
 ration. 
 
 We camped down a short distance from town ; 
 and here five of our men left us to rendezvous at 
 Houston under the idea that the company was 
 too large, and the prospect of feeding it too small. 
 We could exert no authority over them, and it 
 proved in the end that they were right about the 
 commissariat. 
 
 Next morning we converted our two bags of 
 salt into money, divided the remainder of our ba- 
 con, biscuits, coffee, sugar, and tobacco impar- 
 tially; hired two negroes, who were driving re- 
 turning cotton wagons, to carry our baggage and 
 arms, some thirty miles on our route for which 
 service a pair of old breeches was transferred to 
 our sable Jehus. At noon we took up our line of 
 march, travelled fifteen miles, and camped. We 
 were now on the immense unbroken forest, that 
 stretches from the Ked Eiver to some distance on 
 this side of the Trinity. We entered it immedi- 
 
202 THE FAN-TAILED STEAMER A FAST CBAB. 
 
 ately after leaving Alexandria, and did not emerge 
 from it until some twenty days after. 
 
 All hands evidently enjoyed our first night in 
 the wilderness. We had enough provisions for 
 that night and the next day, and trusted to luck 
 for the future. We fried our bacon, made our 
 coffee each in his own tin cup piled the logs 
 upon our camp-fire, and supper over, smoked our 
 pipes in peace and happiness, while our orderly 
 gave us a number of excellent songs. In fact, his 
 repertoire was highly respectable ; he had picked 
 it up when he trod the Arch-street boards as 
 walking gentleman. 
 
 We turned in, all but the guard, as contented 
 as men can be, far away from friends and home, 
 bound upon a desperate wild-goose chase, and 
 camped in a wild forest. 
 
 In spite of this, we had before morning a most 
 precious row." 
 
 " Hold up a minit," said Eoberts ; " hold up a 
 minit, and get your wind, afore you norate that. 
 I'm bound to hev it all talked out straight." 
 
CHAPTER XX. 
 
 DEBIL IN DE CORN FIELD RUN BOYS, RUN. 
 
 OUR captain was naturally as good a fellow as 
 ever breathed, but his knowledge of a new coun- 
 try, and of the way to manage volunteers was ex- 
 tremely limited. He was a capital drill-officer, 
 and would have made a regular Martinet, if the 
 men had permitted it. He had also, what was 
 rather singular for a man of undoubted courage, a 
 nervous dread for " varmints" of all kinds, from 
 the spiteful wild-cat to the prowling panther; 
 wolves were his abomination, and alligators his 
 especial dread. 
 
 " Lieutenant Higgins" said he, after supper 
 " you will be officer of the night ; detail four of 
 the men ; two to mount guard now, to be relieved 
 at one o'clock by the others." 
 
 Lieutenant Higgins touched his cap, and sub- 
 mitted, as usual. He was in fact the captain's 
 shadow, and about as well fitted for a command 
 of volunteers. 
 
 "What under Heaven do you want to set a 
 guard for, captain ?" I asked. 
 
 203 
 
204: DEBIL IN DE CORN FIELD BUN BOYS, RUN. 
 
 "Why, sir, there may be Indians prowling 
 about." 
 
 " Indians ! Indians trouble us within fifteen 
 miles of Alexandria ?" 
 
 "Well, there may be negroes in the woods, 
 who knows?" 
 
 "Not a plantation in three miles, the drivers 
 told me. And much they'd rob us of, even if 
 they could find us all asleep." 
 
 " The wolves, sir, are numerous in these forests, 
 and sure to be attracted by our camp fires." 
 
 " Sure to give them a wide berth ; and if they 
 didn't, a southern wolf is as harmless to man as a 
 cosset lamb." 
 
 " Camp duty, sir, must be learned, and there is 
 no better time than now." 
 
 Upon that ground I could say nothing, but ad- 
 vised him to be very cautious how he gave orders 
 that would annoy the men, for we held them by a 
 very uncertain tenure, and also to be firm in 
 insisting upon their execution, when once given. 
 
 I threw myself, wrapped in my blanket, on the 
 ground, but did not sleep ; and it was not long 
 before I noticed that something was going on 
 among a part of our squad. 
 
 It was near midnight when I observed some five 
 or six quietly steal into the bush, but it was none 
 of my business, and so I said nothing. Soon after 
 
A ROW IN THE CAMP. 205 
 
 this I fell asleep, and must have remained so for 
 an hour or more, when I was suddenly aroused by 
 some one shaking me. 
 
 I jumped up, and there were the captain and 
 Higgins. 
 
 " What's the matter ?" I asked. 
 
 " Matter !" replied the captain, " here are four 
 of our fellows have got drunk on whiskey, bought 
 somehow from the negroes, and are in an awful 
 fight. Some have drawn their knives, and we 
 shall have all the rest up and into it, and half of 
 them cut to pieces before we know it." 
 
 I listened, and if noise and swearing be any 
 criterion, there was a row on foot in earnest. 
 
 " Order them to their quarters," said I. 
 
 " Order be hung," answered the captain ; " I 
 did order them, and they laughed at me." 
 
 "And at me, too," chimed in Higgins. 
 
 " What do you want me to do ?" asked I. 
 
 " Stop them if you can !" answered Prime, 
 
 " I will try it," said I, " if you will remain 
 here." 
 
 I instantly aroused four of our best men, bade 
 them take musket and cartridge box and follow 
 me. 
 
 In the middle of the road, a short distance from 
 camp, were the gentlemen ; two of them clenched, 
 and two standing facing each other, with flashing 
 
206 DEBIL IN DE CORN FIELD KUN BOYS, BUN. 
 
 eyes and drawn knives gleaming in the bright 
 moon-beams. 
 
 " They did not notice us, so I walked close up 
 to them, and roared out in a voice that a bull of 
 Bashan might have envied : 
 
 " Back to your quarters this instant, you scoun- 
 drels." 
 
 The two who were engaged in pulling hair 
 gave up in a moment ; the knife gentlemen sim- 
 ply stood where they were, made no demonstra- 
 tion upon each other, and pretended to pay no 
 attention to us. 
 
 " Boys," said I, " we have risked everything 
 upon this expedition ; it shall not be broken up. 
 Be it in Texas, or be it in Louisiana, this sort of 
 thing shall be stopped ; and if you must needs 
 throw away your lives, so be it." 
 
 I formed my small squad, made them load by 
 the twelve commands, winding up by, Shoulder 
 arms ! Present ! Eeady ! Aim ! 
 
 " Now," said I " I shall count three, and then 
 fire. If you choose to throw down your weapons 
 in time, well and good ; if not, you are dead 
 men." 
 
 " I drew my pistol, cocked and presented it, 
 then counted one ! two ! three ! 
 
 Down went the knives, and forward came the 
 men. The bright musket barrels, and the matter 
 
TIED NECK AND HEELS. 207 
 
 of fact way in which the men went through their 
 manoeuvres, proved too much for their nerves. 
 
 We marched them to the camp, and bound 
 them hand and foot. As for the two who first 
 submitted, their hands alone were secured. Hav- 
 ing set a guard over them, I again went to my 
 blanket, and slept until morning. After this, du- 
 ring our entire march, I never had the least diffi- 
 culty with a private ; in no instance did they ever 
 refuse to obey my orders, which were few and 
 necessary ; and in no instance did they ever obey 
 the captain or Higgins, unless it perfectly suited 
 them to do so. 
 
 Our next night was marked by a singular 
 adventure. We had camped near an immense 
 corn-field. Our provisions were running short, 
 and the men plainly announced their intention of 
 helping themselves. 
 
 The corn crops of this part of Louisiana are 
 very poor, and few families raise as much as they 
 really need for bread. The natural result of this 
 is, that before the corn is fairly blistered, the old 
 stock is gone, and the field is searched for ears 
 that are anything near fit for the table. 
 
 Those who have a little old corn are as chary 
 of it as if it were gold ; and at the time of which 
 I am speaking, although corn was selling in New 
 Orleans at twenty-nine cents per bushel, here the 
 
208 DEBIL IN DE COKN FIELD KUN BOYS, BUN. 
 
 price, when any could be obtained, was three 
 dollars. 
 
 I knew perfectly well that our men promise 
 as they might would most of them find their 
 way into the field before morning ; that as but 
 few ears were fit to be eaten, hundreds would be 
 wantonly destroyed; and, after counselling with 
 the officers, I offered to the men, to take Higgins 
 with me, find the proprietor of the field if possi- 
 ble and obtain a supply ; if not, that we would 
 have it anyhow, taking the risk upon ourselves. 
 All this, upon the condition that they themselves 
 should in no manner molest the field. 
 
 To this they agreed, and Higgins and I set 
 forth. By the side of the field we walked until 
 we were tired. No end appeared to it, and no 
 house could we see ; it must have been miles 
 around, and have belonged to some wealthy 
 planter. 
 
 There was nothing left but for us to help our- 
 selves. 
 
 We returned, and jumping over a very deep 
 ditch, and climbing up a six-feet fence near our 
 camp, we were among the corn. 
 
 It took us a long time to select enough ears, fit 
 to be eaten, to fill our bags, and I was walking 
 along slowly, feeling for them, when I came upon 
 an open space. In the middle was a stump, on 
 
UP A STUMP. 
 
 the stump sat a man, and in his hands was a 
 double-barrel. 
 
 I thought a good deal, and thought it pretty 
 fast too. Instantly I hailed : 
 
 " Lieutenant Higgins, let your men surround 
 this spot ; here is the deserter." 
 
 The roprietor of the gun was now quite as 
 much taken aback as I ; and immediately step- 
 ping back among the corn, I met Higgins, and 
 told him to follow quickly. I walked a short dis- 
 tance, and then set off on a run Higgins keeping 
 up, and wanting to know what was the matter; 
 but as he was rather deaf, it was a difficult matter, 
 running as we were, to make him hear. Besides, 
 he was quite as deaf in his ideas as he was in his 
 ears, and after anything forced it^ way through 
 these important orifices, it was a long time indeed 
 before it was properly lodged in the brain. 
 
 Under these circumstances, I could think of 
 nothing better than to recite the negro chant 
 
 " Debil in de corn field, 
 " Run boys, run boys ; 
 " Debil in de corn field, 
 " Run boys, run. 
 
 We reached the fence and I had just put one 
 foot over it, when the idea that had been knock- 
 ing for some time at the portals of Higgins' brain, 
 suddenly and unexpectedly obtained admittance, 
 * U 
 
210 DEBIL IN DE COKN FIELD KTJN BOYS, BUN. 
 
 and struck him with such force that it nearly 
 knocked him over. 
 
 En revanche, he jumped at the fence, struck 
 me, and QUITE knocked me over. 
 
 Down from the top I toppled, and fell, corn and 
 all, full twelve feet into the bottom of the ditch, 
 accompanied in my fall by Higgins, who landed 
 directly on me. 
 
 With a violent effort I sprang up, pitching him 
 over on his back ; but he was up in an instant, 
 out of the ditch, running at top speed for camp, 
 and yelling for help like a good fellow. 
 
 Before I could throw the corn out which we 
 had disseminated very thoroughly in the ditch 
 all the boys were on hand, and we returned in tri- 
 umph, bearing our cereal treasures, which I divi- 
 ded among the men. That night we mounted 
 guard in earnest, turned out by day-break, and 
 put fifteen miles between us and the corn fields 
 before we halted for breakfast. 
 
 We were in danger, and knew it. There was, 
 and is yet, a bitter feeling of hatred between the 
 settlers on either side of the Sabine, extending 
 back from the river many a good mile. When a 
 rascal in either the States or Texas had fairly arri- 
 ved at the end of his rope, and could speculate 
 with some probability as to his soon getting at the 
 
HUNTING BUT NOT FINDING. 211 
 
 end of Judge Lynch's, he crossed the river, and 
 was safe from legal consequences. 
 
 Forays were often made from either side, in 
 pursuit of runaway scamps or stolen negroes and 
 horses. Conflicts often occurred, and take it alto- 
 gether, the Sabine was in a fair way of becoming 
 another Sol way. 
 
 We breakfasted, which was the last meal that 
 we had for nearly three days. One of our men 
 was here taken with the ague ; captain tired with 
 his early march ; provisions out ; consequence 
 was, we pretty much all went a hunting ; and as 
 every man went where he pleased, and as far as 
 he pleased, the sun had passed his meridian, and 
 was well started on his down trip, before all hands 
 returned ; and when they did, not a soul had 
 either feather, fur, or fin to exhibit. 
 
 We picked up our plunder, and moved on. 
 After marching six or eight miles, we came to an 
 excellent place to camp again. Captain ordered 
 a halt ; men grumbled, but submitted. No sup- 
 per but coffee and a pipe. According to my road- 
 book for it was my duty to act as pilot we were 
 to reach the Calcasio next day, and then have 
 nothing but cow-trails and blazes for most of the 
 remainder of our route. 
 
 Our captain's favorite song and motto was 
 
 " Up in the mornin's no' for me, 
 " Up in the mornin' early." 
 
212 DEBIL IN DE CORN FIELD KUN BOYS, BUN. 
 
 but next morning he was about and a doing as 
 early as any. Hunger was beating a rat-a-plan 
 upon his empty stomach, and starvation fairly 
 kicked Morpheus out of doors. 
 
 We was up and astir, by day-break again ; 
 breakfast of coffee and pipes ; and off we went 
 this time in good spirits for the banks of the 
 Calcasio, which had been represented to us as 
 a capital hunting ground, and its waters a well- 
 stocked fish-pond ; in fact, this was to be the first 
 oasis in our desert inarch. 
 
 Well, we reached it at last, and in place of a 
 sparkling river, with green banks and water sing- 
 ing blithely, as it tripped along and rippled over 
 a clear pebbly bottom, we found a stream it 
 was not but long, vile mud-hole, without life or 
 motion ; low sunken between lofty banks of bar- 
 ren sand, without a sign of vegetation or spear of 
 grass, and overhung by the gaunt cypress, or 
 spectral looking oaks, that extended their leaf- 
 less arms, draped with funereal moss to the sky, 
 as if to call down a curse from Heaven on the 
 Dead Sea beneath. 
 
 I never could look upon a scene like this 
 giant trees, so conquered by this miasma-fed 
 parasite as to appear dead, and lifeless, and grey, 
 and hovering over some black tarn or muddy lake, 
 like to the vile buzzard floating over a carcase 
 
HEAD AND TAIL. 213 
 
 without a shudder. However, the bayou was not 
 probably made to please us, and fish there might 
 be in spite of mud ; and game in the swamps 
 there doubtless was. 
 
 Among our men we had a capital woodsman 
 and " anter, whose match with a rifle I have never 
 yet seen. This man, and also another very decent 
 fellow, ready to do anything for the officers, the 
 captain had taken into our mess. His idea was, 
 evidently, that Cooper was to hunt for us, and 
 Carpenter cook and wash the dishes. 
 
 Now, Cooper's first duty was to his mess ; their 
 wants supplied, the company was to come in for a 
 chance at the sports of Nimrod. So the captain 
 and Higgins stretched themselves comfortably on 
 the ground ; Cooper shouldered his rifle, and took 
 to the swamp ; I cut a cane, and waded into the 
 bayou, and the men separated ; one, one way, and 
 another, another. 
 
 Prime and Higgins made some remarks about 
 the dubious appearance of the stream, and decli- 
 ned fishing, from a slight prejudice against alliga- 
 tors. They did not like the reptile's mouth, but 
 were rather desirous to try the tail, which they 
 had been told was really high-flavored and 
 gamey. 
 
 I was fishing in a broad, deep part of the 
 bayou, and one of the men was by my side. Pre- 
 
214: DEBIL IN DE CORN FIELD KUN BOYS, ETTN. 
 
 sently a very small twig fell into the water near 
 us, then another ; then a small bough. I looked 
 up. Not one breath of air disturbed the branches 
 or waved the moss. I turned to my neighbor. 
 
 " Jarboe," said I, "look up quick, and see if 
 there is a squirrel in that large tree right over us. 
 I can see none." 
 
 " Nor I neither, leftenant," said he, "but 'pearg 
 to me I kin hear a chipperin' like." 
 
 At this moment down come a large branch 
 right between us. 
 
 " Good Heavens, man !" I shouted, " out of the 
 water, quick, for your life. Not that way, but 
 this to the right." 
 
 Away went hook and line, and away we sped. 
 It was high time. In a moment after, down 
 rushed a monarch of the woods, seeming fairly to 
 spring from the lofty bank, 
 
 And rushing from his mountain height, 
 Came crashing, thundering down." 
 
 As a promising young poet,* yet unknown to 
 fame, has since written. 
 
 An instant's more delay, and we had been 
 crushed to death. I had had some previous expe- 
 rience in this line, and knew the symptoms of ap- 
 proaching dissolution among these old giants of 
 the forest, who, singular and unaccountable as it 
 
 * George Blanchard, of Fryburg, Maine. 
 
MJR. BUNCE'S OPINION. 215 
 
 / 
 
 may seem, appear always to choose a day, when 
 earth and air and sky are wrapped in a myste- 
 rious silence, and not the breath of a zephyr stirs 
 leaf or bough : as if that their expiring moan 
 might be hear,', far and near. 
 
 I looked up and down the stream, and on both 
 sides cypress, oak, and pine, were waving their 
 moss-clad boughs, in sad farewell to their departed 
 chief. 
 
 I knew that the rush of air, caused by the fall, 
 was the reason of this, but yet the sight chilled 
 my very blood, so melancholy and supernatural 
 did it appear." 
 
 " Well, well, squire/' said Roberts, " don't 
 blame you a bit. Many sech a sight hev I seen ; 
 and when the twigs come tumbling down around 
 me in a still day, dog on ef I ain't fer makin' 
 tracks outer the tall timber right piert." 
 
 " Darn the rotten old tree," exclaimed Bunce, 
 "I'm for hearin' how your folks made out a 
 huntin'. That tree wasn't worth half the fuss 
 youVe made on't. I've come as nigh as that to 
 ketchin it a hundred times.' 7 
 
CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 THE BEWILDERED CORPORAL AND THE GALLANT 
 VOLUNTEER. 
 
 " AFTER noon," said Milward, " the men began 
 to drop in, but no game had they found except 
 one squirrel, which was divided among the fortu- 
 nate mess to which the successful hunter belonged. 
 So, we had the old story, coffee and pipes for din- 
 ner. About two we resumed our march, and stri- 
 king off from the main road, took a left hand 
 trail. Before night it come on to rain, which 
 improved matters very much. However, we 
 made the best of it, lit with much difficulty a 
 huge camp-fire, rigged up a few rude wigwams 
 with bark and brush ; then followed our usual 
 substitute for a supper, and then to our blankets 
 with what appetite we might. 
 
 Our reveille was of the latest. Spite of the 
 
 consolations of coffee and tobacco, hunger was 
 
 beginning to tell upon our small corps. Why it 
 
 waa that no game could be found I can hardly 
 
 216 
 
WATERMELONS IN PROSPECTIVE. 217 
 
 say, but only know that it never is, when bodies 
 of men are moving, except indeed on the buffalo 
 grounds. "We had at least some good hunters, one 
 of them thorough bred, but so far their efforts had 
 been all in vain. 
 
 A man on horseback rode up soon after we had 
 started ; and from him I obtained all necessary 
 information as to the trail which we were now fol- 
 lowing, and also that our prospects of finding any- 
 thing in the shape of food that morning were very 
 slim. Some ten miles further on was a settler's 
 cabin, but the family were under short allowance, 
 and had no corn but what they brought from a 
 mill that was miles away. 
 
 " There's no use to try to buy nor to beg," said 
 he, " but, tell you what, boys, afore you get there, 
 there's the biggest kind of a field. The corn's 
 very late, and ain't no account yet, but there's 
 watermelons by the cart-load. You'd best dive 
 in and help yourselves. 
 
 " Three miles further on, you'll find a trail goin' 
 off to the left ; a mile will bring you to another 
 settler's. He's got some corn, and a raft of hogs 
 runnin' in the woods ; and when you leave there 
 you'll find another trail that '11 bring you back to 
 your own road without losin' much time." 
 
 "We thanked hiir he rode on, and we walked 
 
218 THE BEWILDERED CORPORAL. 
 
 on. Cooper went ahead ; the men straggling ev- 
 erywhere. 
 
 About noon, we saw a tiny column of blue 
 smoke peacefully wending its way upward, in the 
 open woods ; and arriving, lo and behold, there 
 was Cooper with one grey squirrel, already broiled, 
 and waiting for us. 
 
 Talk of honor among thieves or any class else. 
 Here was a man on the confines of starvation, that 
 had been half an hour tantalized with the delicious 
 odors of a broiling squirrel, and waiting to di- 
 vide it among five. 
 
 We made short work of it, and then waited 
 until our men came up. Presently we came to a 
 spot in the forest, where our trail was entirely 
 obscured by fallen timber. There was an open 
 space before us of at least fifty rods, the over- 
 thrown trees all lying towards the northeast. 
 
 We were slowly crawling over it, when Cooper 
 called to us. 
 
 " I know this well," said he ; " this is the trail 
 of the Natchez hurricane, and I have crossed it 
 more than two hundred miles west of this. A 
 short distance further on, we shall find another, 
 running side by side with this, but only about 
 half as wide." 
 
 This we found to be true, and the twain pre- 
 sented the most singular sight that I had ever 
 
DEPLORABLE IGNORANCE OF PUMPKINS. 219 
 
 seen. Two immense avenues cut directly through 
 the heart of the forest, more straight than line or 
 plumet and the hand of man could have made 
 them, extending from beyond Natchez to the 
 Kocky Mountains, walled in on either side by 
 immense trees, shorn of those branches that had 
 obstructed the path of the hurricane ; great masses 
 of fallen timber, piled up, ten, fifteen, and some- 
 times twenty feet, without a green bough, or leaf, 
 or twig, but marked by desolation for a thousand 
 miles. It was something well worthy of being 
 seen and remembered. 
 
 Soon after this we came to the field, and there 
 was a regular stampede. Cooper and I tried the 
 melons as to their ripeness, before picking, car- 
 ried off two apiece over the fence, and into the 
 timber we then plunged, and there a queer sight 
 met our eyes. 
 
 A pile of green pumpkins, with here and there 
 a melon, lay on the ground. Prime and Higgins 
 were busy dissecting them with their swords ; 
 some of the men were spluttering out oaths and 
 raw pumpkin from their mouths, and others were 
 enjoying the fun and eating their melons. It was 
 a fact, that neither of the two officers nor one half 
 of the men could distinguish a green pumpkin 
 from a round watermelon. 
 
 However, they soon learned, and it required 
 
220 THE BEWILDERED CORPORAL. 
 
 persuasion, entreaty, and almost the exhibition of 
 force, to check some of the hungry crew in their 
 savage eagerness for this most unsuitable food. 
 
 As to the green pumpkins, 1 made the men cut 
 them in slices and stow them away in their knap- 
 sacks. We now formed, and marched on, passing 
 the house in as martial array as possible, for very 
 obvious reasons. 
 
 Presently we found the left hand trail, and be- 
 fore long, a piece of clearing, on the other side of 
 which appeared a cabin and field. 
 
 Leaving the men in the timber, Prime, Higgins 
 and I went into the cabin ; but nothing was to be 
 had. They declared that they had not yet break- 
 fasted, nor could they until a man who had been 
 dispatched to a mill ten miles off should return ; 
 that they had neither hogs nor cattle. 
 
 Nothing was to be done then but to move on. 
 "We inquired for the other trail, to return to our 
 road. It led off to the left of the house, through 
 the same clearing and a young peach orchard. 
 On we went, firing off a pistol and shouting to our 
 men to come down along the fence. To our sur- 
 prise, we heard the crack of a musket immedi- 
 ately ahead. They had then found the trail be- 
 fore us, as it would appear. 
 
 They had, and something beside. Among our 
 number was a young Frenchman, one of six men 
 
PIG HUNTING. 221 
 
 whom we had picked ir> at New Orleans, re- 
 turned Santa Fe prisoners. Charley had two 
 leading characteristics a lightning-like quick- 
 ness of thought and action, and a great fondness 
 of good eating, and plenty of it. 
 
 The men had started to look for the new trail, 
 when a drove of hogs ran snorting by. One man 
 fired at them but missed. Charley, however, ran 
 up to the captain of the host, delivered the but of 
 his musket in an effective way upon the animal's 
 snout, who immediately succumbed, and inconti- 
 nently had his throat cut. 
 
 Our captain was in great trouble, at the neces- 
 sity of hot water for dressing the hog, but Charley 
 was up to everything. He skinned the beast in 
 five minutes, cut it in pieces, and distributed them 
 among the men. It was then high time to be 
 a going. We pushed on, found our old trail, 
 travelled a couple of miles, until we came to a 
 small branch of clear running water, then made 
 a fire, and soon devoured every morsel of our prey. 
 
 That night we camped near the house of a com- 
 paratively wealthy planter, a Frenchman, who 
 was extremely polite, made us free of his corn- 
 crib, if we would grind the grain in his steel mill, 
 and told us to take enough to last until we should 
 reach the Sabine, on the condition that our men 
 should be kept out of his field. 
 
222 THE BEWILDERED COEPOKAL. 
 
 He also sent a pair of large tame ducks, 
 for the officers, a bag of Irish potatoes for the 
 men, and a large pot to boil them in ; also, quite 
 a piece of salt pork. With this material, and our 
 slices of green pumpkin, we made a noble stew 
 for all hands. 
 
 Next morning down came a large supply of 
 green figs, and an invitation for the officers to call 
 upon the ladies. We did so, and though the call 
 was of short duration, were most hospitably re- 
 ceived. We took leave of our generous host, and 
 went on our way rejoicing, provided with provi- 
 sions enough to last until the Sabine should be 
 passed, and ourselves fairly upon the soil of 
 Texas. 
 
 In two days we were encamped upon the shores 
 of that celebrated stream, whose yellow waters 
 are said by historians to possess some of the quali- 
 ties of the ancient Lethe, and to completely oblite- 
 rate in the minds of those who drink or bathe in 
 their yellow current, all usually received ideas 
 of the correct distinctions between meum and 
 teum. 
 
 The effect upon our men was different; per- 
 haps on a similar principle to that which makes 
 two negatives equal an affirmative; perhaps be- 
 cause we were cordially welcomed and hospitably 
 entertained, when once fairly in Texas. 
 
THE WASHING BRIGADE. 223 
 
 From a set of vagabonds, laying their hands on 
 every thing that came in their way, they became 
 orderly, seemingly honest, and obedient to orders. 
 
 At the ferry we lay one entire day, converting 
 the river into an extempore and al fresco wash- 
 tub, and a company of volunteers into a washing 
 brigade. The ferry people were extremely civil, 
 and evidently anxious to get rid of us ; for the pre- 
 sence of nineteen or twenty men, well armed, 
 upon the very border of another country, where 
 they could retreat in five minutes, was an occur- 
 rence more uncommon than desirable ; and when 
 coupled with the fact that the said men were 
 almost destitute of everything save arms and am- 
 munition, that the proprietor of the ferry kept a 
 small store hard by, and that the entire popula- 
 tion of the settlement did not exceed three or four 
 families, it was no wonder that they wished us 
 further. 
 
 Our washing and drying completed we gene- 
 rally took to the river during the latter operation, 
 and disdained either starching or ironing on the 
 next day we crossed the stream, and for the first 
 time set foot upon the very free soil of Texas. 
 Our first nignt we passed in Jasper, not a very 
 large city. We were inducted into an unoccupied 
 house, and furnished with green corn ad lil)., and 
 dry corn, exhibited in a liquid form, quant, suff. 
 

 
 224: THE BEWILDERED COKPOBAL. 
 
 We were visited by a young gentleman, evi- 
 dently overflowing with patriotic and poetic fire. 
 He had composed a warlike song, and was indu- 
 ced, after two or three critical examinations of 
 our canteens, to favor us with it. 
 
 The air was Bruce's Address ; as for the words, 
 the first verse alone remains embalmed in my 
 memory, and ran as follows : 
 
 ' Men who have with Houston bled ; 
 " Men whom Kusk has often led, 
 " Welcome to your gory bed, 
 " Or to victory." 
 
 Having heard this, Prime drew me one side, 
 and, with an air of caution and secresy, produced 
 from some secret recess about his person a soiled 
 and somewhat tatter'd paper. It proved to be 
 also an original poem, embodying in a different 
 form the same sanguinary ideas as those of our 
 young friend, and also hospitably invited " all 
 whom it might concern" to take a friendly bed on 
 the battle-field, if they couldn't give the enemy 
 fits. 
 
 This, the captain informed me, I had his full 
 permission to impart to our new friend in private. 
 I was not to inform him of the author's name, but 
 might hint that it was composed by one of the 
 officers, although neither Lieutenant Higgins nor 
 I claimed it. Upon hearing this brilliant produc- 
 
THE VOLUNTEER'S SPEECH. 225 
 
 tion, our young friend embraced the captain, 
 called him his brother in arms, and swore an eter- 
 nal friendship ; ran off up street, and soon re- 
 turned with another bottle of the amber-colored 
 nectar in general use here, and having assisted in 
 draining it, announced his intention of marching 
 along with us, and assisting at our proposed revel 
 in the halls of the Montezumas. 
 
 A corporal, moved by whiskey and admiration, 
 resigned in his favor, and the new incumbent was 
 duly installed in his place. 
 
 Standing in the midst, he now delivered a glow- 
 ing speech, in which he expressed a canabalistic 
 desire or a slice of Santa Anna's heart, and a san- 
 guinar/ wish for a draught of his blood; also re- 
 peatedly requested us to follow him to glory ; con- 
 veyed several commands relative to charging the 
 enemy, and concluded with a recitation of his ode, 
 which was sung by the whole company plena ore, 
 being lined off by the author. 
 
 It was quite late, and after embracing us all 
 around, and shedding a copious flood of tears, he 
 bade us adieu for the night, and went home to 
 prepare himself for the march. 
 
 Alas! we never saw the gallant youth after; 
 
 whether the two potent nectar confined him to his 
 
 couch, or cruel parents checked his warlike aspi- 
 
 rntions, is a matter forever hidden from my know- 
 
 15 
 
226 THE BEWILDERED CORPORAL. 
 
 ledge, and I but know that on calling the roll 
 next morning both the old corporal and the new 
 incumbent were reported as missing. 
 
 About noon our original corporal, Peter An- 
 thony Jarboe, hove in sight. His account of his 
 adventures was somewhat vague and desultory, 
 owing probably to the lingering mistiness of his 
 brain. 
 
 It appears that the gallant youth of last eve- 
 ning, finding that the contents of his whiskey bot- 
 tle had entirely evaporated, dispatched Corporal 
 Peter Anthony with two canteens, and a verbal 
 order on the grocery, to have them filled, and 
 charged to his the youth's account. 
 
 Mr. Jarboe's remembrance of the occurrences at 
 said grocery was exceedingly indistinct. A crowd 
 of men two tallow candles an invitation to 
 drink from two men, seemingly united Siamese- 
 twin fashion two bar-keepers filling four tum- 
 blers from two bottles a strange confusion of 
 ideas a general pirouette of room, company, bar- 
 keepers, bottles and glasses, and a deep reverie, 
 made up the unsatisfactory detail. 
 
 Whether the canteens were filled or not he 
 could not say. Upon an examination of the arti- 
 cles in question, it appeared, that not satisfied 
 with his blunders of the preceding evening, he 
 had deliberately made a ' bull' in the canteens, as 
 
MK. JARBOE W .KES A CALL. 227 
 
 the few drops of slightly discolored water that 
 they contained, proved. 
 
 It would appear that Mr. Jarboe was aroused 
 from his reverie on the closing of the grocery 
 grocery means whiskey in Texas which occur- 
 rence according to Mr. J. took place some 
 time between midnight and the fourth of July. 
 
 Mr. Jarboe thinks that the city of Jasper must 
 have suffered a civil revolution during the night ; 
 perhaps engaged in a contra dance ; been down 
 in the middle, up again and cast off. 
 
 Our barracks could not be found in the general 
 confusion, and so the corporal knocked at a 
 convenient door to inquire. A gentleman, arm- 
 ed with a pair of revolvers and bowie knife, 
 opened it, and after hearing Mr. Jarboe's busi- 
 ness, informed him that the company of volun- 
 teers had left at midnight ; and for fear of mis- 
 takes, he was kind enough to put on his boots and 
 accompany the lost one some little distance upon 
 the road. 
 
 Peter Anthony set forth upon a run, held it 
 as long as he could, then subsided into a fast 
 walk ; and just as it was fairly day-break, found 
 himself on the ,banks of the Sabine, at the very 
 spot where he had crossed the preceding morning. 
 
 Evidently something was wrong, so without 
 stopping to rest, back he posted to Jasper, to 
 
228 THE BEWILDEBED CORPORAL. 
 
 inquire ; and met his obliging friend, who recog- 
 nized him, immediately asked him to drink, and 
 informed him that about midnight a drove of 
 jackasses had passed through town, and was by 
 him mistaken for a company of Texan volun- 
 teers. In three hours after, the poor fellow 
 caught up with us, having travelled twenty miles 
 upon a fool's errand, and fifteen more since he 
 had left Jasper." 
 
 "I reckon now, Milward," said Uncle Billy, 
 "that corporal must hev been right smart of a 
 fool, or else most owdaciously whiskey'd." 
 
 " Both your conclusions, Major," replied Mil- 
 ward, " are clearly correct, and indisputable." 
 
CHAPTEE XXIL 
 
 CORPORAL JARBOE AND THE -BLOOD-HOUND THE 
 PIONEEKS TREED. 
 
 " As we were travelling on," resumed Mil- 
 ward, " about five o'clock, a jovial looking man, 
 mounte-- upon what Uncle Billy would classify 
 as a smart chunk of a poney, rode up, and finding 
 out who we were, immediately insisted upon the 
 men's camping near his house, and the officers 
 spending the night within it. We were served 
 with the best he had, and Prime and Higgins 
 slept on a bed for the first time since leaving 
 New Orleans. As for me, I preferred to spend 
 the night with the men, and to see that they did 
 not get into mischief. The latter were provided 
 with corn bread and bacon in abundance, and 
 better still, great calabashes of new milk. 
 
 In the morning, after an excellent breakfast, our 
 host supplied us with provisions, and telling us to 
 be sure and call upon his father-in-law who lived 
 
 five miles further upon the road, and had an im- 
 229 
 
230 CORPOBAL JARBOE AND THE BLOOD-HOUND. 
 
 mense peach orchard shook us heartily by the 
 hand, and we parted. 
 
 We called upon the old gentleman, who imme- 
 diately insisted upon our resting all day and re- 
 cruiting. This we at first declined doing. 
 
 " Now look here, boys," said he, " I'll tell you 
 what it is. You'll do well enough till you cross 
 the Trinity ; and when you get shut of the tim- 
 ber and strike into the perara, there's a house ; 
 but there's ony two more on your road afore ye 
 get to Houston, and they both together one at 
 the Attascasete crossing of the San Jacinto, and 
 the other a piece on, in the timber t'other side. 
 There's a small settlement way off in a bay to the 
 right of your trail, but you've travellin' enough to 
 do without walkin' six or eight miles for a break- 
 fast. You stay here to-day, and straighten up a 
 little ; to-morrow's Friday, and if you make tracks 
 then you'll get to Dunn's, this side of the Trinity, 
 Monday night. I'll go on to Dunn's, and have 
 him kill a beef, and there you can stay a day and 
 dry it, and then you'll be ready for the peraras." 
 
 This embodiment of good sense and genuine 
 hospitality overruled our anxiety to hurry on, and 
 so we remained. A long table was immediately 
 set, and a meal prepared for all hands our host 
 insisting that after our long semi-starvation we 
 should be always ready to eat ; and that soldiers, 
 
COKPORAL PETER ON THE FENCE. 231 
 
 like camels, always laid in a stock at every oppor- 
 tunity, and against time of need. "While the meal 
 was preparing, negro boys brought in great bas- 
 kets filled with huge watermelons and ruddy- 
 cheeked peaches. After converting us into human 
 sausages, and stuffing us until the skin would hold 
 no more, our entertainer made us free of peach- 
 orchard and melon-patch, told us that dinner 
 would be on the table at one precisely, and that 
 we must enicy ourselves as we pleased. 
 
 We had <aost of us taken our pipes, and thrown 
 ourselves down upon our blankets, under the 
 shade of a friendly porch I for one was about 
 invading the Land of Nod when a terrific mix- 
 ture of howl, yell, and shriek called our attention 
 towards the bars through which we had entered 
 the enclosure, and there on the inner side was our 
 unfortunate Corporal, Peter Anthony Jarboe, his 
 feet on the second bar from the ground, endeavor- 
 ing to reach the latter ; while on the outer, hung 
 a huge blood-hound, maintaining his hold upon 
 the vestments that covered the rearmost division 
 of the corporal's nether man. 
 
 The whole thing put me in mind of two bull- 
 dogs hung across a line. 
 
 A yell of laughter burst from the entire com- 
 pany, and it was some time before our host could 
 command sufficient control of the Queen's Eng- 
 
232 THE BEWILDERED CORPORAL, 
 
 lish to call the dog off. He then warned us about 
 quitting or returning to the enclosure unless con- 
 voyed by some one of his numerous family, black 
 or white. 
 
 Corporal Peter, whose performance with fire- 
 arms was a standing joke in fact, he could not 
 have hit a barn-door but by accident, and closing 
 his eyes ere he pulled trigger had, it seems, em- 
 braced the opportunity to go a hunting all alone 
 by himself, determined to astonish and excite the 
 admiration of the company generally, and of our 
 host in particular, with his exploits. He had 
 clambered over the bars, but hardly had he 
 touched 'bottom on the other side, when a fero- 
 cious dog sprang out from the bushes, and per- 
 formed the same operation on him, as he wheeled 
 and was marching off for camp in the fastest kind 
 of double-quick. 
 
 Corporal Jarboe's naturally expressive counte- 
 nance bore for a while a stern look, and he inti- 
 mated an intention of settling arrears with the 
 dog, but the rents behind being skilfully collected 
 by a negress, and the tenant proving uninjured, it 
 at last subsided into the usual calm, satisfied, and 
 slightly stupid expression. 
 
 No other adventure marked the day, and on the 
 morrow, after a capital breakfast, we were hur- 
 ried off bv our kind friend, who warned us to be 
 
BLAZES AND COW TRAILS. 233 
 
 sure and let no grass grow under our feet until 
 we had forded the Angelina and been ferried 
 over the Neches, since the trail between the two 
 rivers had but just been blazed, was through bush 
 and briar, and could scarcely be followed in broad 
 day. So that if we were overtaken by night be- 
 fore we had completed our intended distance, we 
 had better call a halt, and camp down, or worse 
 might come of it. 
 
 We left, and hurried on ; but camping for din- 
 ner, and a proti .cted call upon a certain Captain 
 Blank including a visit to his peach orchard 
 made it quite late ere we reached Bevilport, 
 rather a small town, and containing either one or 
 two houses I forget which. 
 
 We had now to ford the Angelina, and so much 
 time was consumed in finding the ford and get- 
 ting over, that it was sundown when we were 
 fairly landed on the other side. 
 
 Before us was five miles of blazed road, through 
 anything but a "sporting" country, and almost 
 without sign of trail ; at least the trails made by 
 deer and wild animals generally, were so much 
 more distinct than the slight trace which we were 
 to follow, that we had T>een strongly cautioned to 
 stick to the blazes, and pay no attention to any- 
 thing else. 
 
 A council of war was held. To reach Swart- 
 
234: THE BEWILDERED CORPORAL. 
 
 wont, on the Trinity or rather Captain Dunn's 
 plantation we had before us three very severe 
 days' journey, one of them forty miles. Should 
 we risk a night march through bottom and brake, 
 or put another five miles upon the next day's 
 work? 
 
 We put it to vote. There were three modes 
 proposed : To camp where we were to reach the 
 Neches at any rate, if we could or to send Cooper 
 and me ahead, (who always acted as pioneers in 
 cases of emergency,) to follow the trail and blaze 
 as long as practical and expedient, and when we 
 could go no further with safety, then to camp. 
 Our position to be made known by the discharge 
 of a pistol at least once in ten minutes. 
 
 Corporal Peter Anthony, and a sleepy-headed 
 chap from Indiana, supported the first plan ; the 
 captain and Higgins, the second ; all the others 
 the third and last. So Cooper and I went on. 
 For a short distance, we found it plain sailing 
 enough, then our trail disappeared, and We had to 
 look sharp for the blazes ; then we found the trail 
 again, and it was not long ere four of the more 
 impatient of our men caught up with us the 
 others being reported as quite a distance behind. 
 
 At last we came to a spot where our trace 
 diverged slightly to the left, and at this moment, 
 the moon most mischievously bobbed behind a 
 
ALL HANDS TREED. 235 
 
 cloud, so that we could not see which way the 
 blazes pointed out, nor could we find any by 
 feeling. 
 
 We at last followed the trail, which was soon 
 joined by two others, and at last led us to the but 
 of a huge tree, apparently laying down on the 
 ground. The trail turned neither to the right nor 
 to the left, but stopped square against the tree. 
 
 " A bridge, for sartin," said Cooper. " I wonder 
 they'd hadn't told us about it : I reckon we'd best 
 hold on." 
 
 He had not finished, however, before our four 
 men had clambered upon the trunk, and were on 
 their way over. I listened could hear nothing 
 like the sound of water and, remarking, that it 
 must be over a gulley, for there seemed to be no 
 probability of finding a still bayou so near two 
 swiftly running rivers ; and a branch beneath us, 
 there certainly was not. I mounted upon the tree 
 and prepared to follow the men. Cooper imitated 
 my example. 
 
 For at least sixty feet we walked on without 
 finding a limb ; we then found enough of them, 
 and troublesome they were ; at last our men cried 
 out that they were as far in the top as they dared 
 go, and there seemed to be no landing-place. 
 
 At this moment the moon peeped out, brightly, 
 as if to enjoy the fun ; and lo and behold, there 
 
236 THE BEWILDERED COBPOBAL. 
 
 we were, in a tree-top, almost half-way across an 
 immense gulley, and at least sixty feet from the 
 bottom. Having enjoyed the sight, Madam Luna 
 went in again under the cover of a black cloud, 
 and we were once more in the dark, 
 
 It is astonishing what a difference it makes 
 when you are walking upon a log, whether it rests 
 upon the ground, or hangs over a precipice. The 
 men who enjoyed the fun of walking out and 
 making their way through the crowded limbs of 
 the top, were now thoroughly frightened, and 
 called to me to fire my pistol, to attract the atten- 
 tion of the company, at the same time floundering 
 about in their attempts to get back. 
 
 " Keep perfect silence," said I, " and remain 
 where you are until the company come up. 1 
 shall not fire my pistol, or make any noise, to at- 
 tract them to us and out of their right path. When 
 they reach the spot where we turned off, they will 
 halt and wait to hear from us. As for you four 
 in the top, remain where you are, until the moon 
 comes out again, or we can light a fire, if you do 
 not want to get your necks broken. Don't move 
 until you are ordered, and then not until your 
 names are called. Who is furthest out? 
 
 " Corporal Jarboe." 
 
 "Who next?" 
 
 " Sergeant Osborue." 
 
PETER PUTS HIS FOOT IN IT. 237 
 
 " And then 2" 
 
 " Me, sir ; Private Maryatt." 
 
 " Better be thinking of your sins, Charley, inclu- 
 ding the pig you stole and skinned 'tother day. 
 Are you the nearest, Carpenter ? 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Then stay where you are, and hang on for 
 life." 
 
 At this moment, ; Cooper bade me listen, and 
 presently I heard tho tramp of our men. They 
 soon reached the place where we lost the trail, 
 halted, and fired a pistol. 
 
 We called to them to stay where they were. I 
 sent Cooper "off to explain matters, and in a few 
 minutes he returned with several of the men who 
 came out to have some fun with our treed coons. 
 
 The first thing to be done was, to make a fire, 
 and we sent back to the forks, where one was 
 already started, for a light. Before it arrived, 
 however, the moon again appeared ; and I called, 
 first, Carpenter then Maryatt then Osborne 
 and, lastly, our friend, Peter Anthony. 
 
 His luck did not desert him, for before he got 
 fairly out of the top and on the body, in went the 
 moon. He, however, made his way along towards 
 the end, and when opposite us jumped off to the 
 right, and in a moment was heard yelling out 
 
238 THE BEWILDERED COKPOBAL. 
 
 " Oh, lordy, massy ! help ! murder ! I'm a goner, 
 stop me, some one." 
 
 These words seemed to be jerked out of him as 
 he rolled over and over down the 'steep sides of 
 the ravine, a small spur of which ran up to the 
 very stump of the tree upon one side of it, and 
 Mr. Jarboe, to save a few feet upon the log, 
 jumped off, and right into it. 
 
 Had we known that every bone in the man's 
 body was broken, it would not have made the 
 least difference. A most unsympathetic roar of 
 laughter made the welkin ring, and called up the 
 rest of the men. 
 
 As soon as I could find my voice, I went to the 
 edge of the ravine, now plainly distinguishable 
 by the fire-light, and called 
 
 " Jarboe, hallo ! are you hurt ?" 
 
 No answer. 
 
 I called again. " If youVe any life left, say so ; 
 if not, we are very hungry, and must get supper." 
 A grumbling was heard below, and words and 
 parts of sentences came up. 
 
 " Laugh at a feller don't keer ; laughin's 
 ketchin lick some one." 
 
 " Hold on," said I ; "we will build a fire on the 
 edge of the gully." 
 
 The fire was built upon the very edge, and in a 
 few minutes Corporal Peter Anthony hove in 
 
THE CORPORAL'S SECOND DISAPPEARANCE. 239 
 
 sight musket and all covered with mud and 
 water, for, as a Milesian would say, he had landed 
 in a water hole at the bottom. 
 
 When fairly on the bank, he shook his fist at us 
 generally, then shook himself off like a lion in his 
 wrath, and then looking around for Maryatt the 
 smallest man in the company and not finding 
 him at hand, jumped att^c next smallest who was 
 convenient Sergeant G ~borne. 
 
 Now, the race is not always to the swift, nor 
 the battle to the slow no, that's not right ; in 
 fact, about as bad as Governor Bell's quotation 
 the other day the battle is not always to the big- 
 gest, is what I mean. 
 
 Peter Anthony weighed two hundred and 
 thirty a giant, and a mad giant at that Osborne 
 not more than one hundred and fifty ; but the lat- 
 ter eying the former, as he struck out awkwardly, 
 warded the blow, and planted one, two, so cor- 
 rectly that Mr. Jarboe instantly disappeared, and 
 was next heard of from his old mud-hole, in the 
 bottom of the ravine, and from it he was not 
 allowed to emerge, until he had pledged his word 
 to behave himself in future." 
 
 " Didn't that are chap work out somewhare on 
 Buffalo Bayou ?" interrupted Bunce. 
 
 " I think he did," replied Milward. 
 
 " Well," said Bunce, "he was the darndest big- 
 
240 THE BEWILDERED CORPORAL. 
 
 gest created goose I ever see. I traded him a sil- 
 ver watch onst for a horse ; watch didn't go much 
 not unless he carried it ; so he tarred the wheels, 
 and when that didn't pay, he took off the case 
 and face, and biled the works, to get J em clean 
 agin." 
 
CHAPTER XXHI. 
 
 A NIGHT WITH THE RA1 fLESNAKES CORPORAL JAEBOE 
 GETS A BF J. 
 
 SHORTLY after sunrise the next morning we 
 were at the Neches, exerting our lungs and firing 
 off muskets, to arouse the ferry-man who turned 
 out to be a boy after all. At last he came, and 
 his only means of conveyance was a pirogue, or 
 canoe. The captain was about stepping in, when 
 I stopped him, with 
 
 " One moment, captain. Have you ever pad- 
 dled a canoe ?" 
 
 " No, sir," said he but why ?" 
 
 " Because you would be in the water in a mo- 
 ment, which would not hurt you, perhaps, but 
 you might loose your arms." 
 
 The captain drew back, and I ordered the men 
 to give the boy the arms to deposite in the boat. 
 They were to be taken over first, then the bag- 
 gage, and last of all the living freight. 
 
 " Who understands a pirogue ?" I asked. " I 
 
 want some one to help the boy paddle." 
 16 241 
 
242 A NIGHT WITH THE RATTLESNAKES. 
 
 " I kin row er paddle steer er sail," said Cor- 
 poral Peter Anthony. 
 
 " I can manage a dug-out, sir," said Osborne. 
 
 " Well," said I " rank takes the precedence of 
 beauty always ; you shall cross first, and then 
 we'll try Corporal Jarboe's skill. You need not 
 bring the boy back again. We can manage it 
 ourselves." 
 
 Across they went, and having landed the arms, 
 Osborne paddled safely back. 
 
 "Now ashore with you, Osborne," said I, "and 
 bring the paddles. Corporal Jarboe, jump in, and 
 prepare to receive the baggage." 
 
 Jarboe put in one foot very cautiously, tried to 
 balance himself ; drew in the other ; pirogue tip- 
 ped one side, Jarboe leaned the other; pirogue 
 followed suit in an instant, and over went Peter 
 Anthony, waving his arms wildly in all possible 
 directions, until they struck the water. 
 
 Coming up, he made for the other shore, and 
 being a strong swimmer, reached it without dif- 
 ficulty. 
 
 With some trouble, but without any accidents, 
 we reached the other shore. 
 
 The day passed by without any incident worth 
 recording, and so with the next, until thje after- 
 noon, when there burst upon us as terrific a storm 
 as I have ever witnessed. We were drenched in 
 
THE INDIAN CAMP. 243 
 
 to instant, and on we must go. There was no 
 shelter nearer than the old Cherokee Peach-tree 
 Village, some time since abandoned by the tribe, 
 and now occupied by a family of settlers. 
 
 The road that we journey 'd over was turned 
 into a stream, but through it we waded and 
 plunged, and night fell just as we reached the 
 old Indian camp. There we found a man and his 
 wife, the sole occupants. They evidently were 
 poor, although we were treated in the most hospi- 
 table manner. 
 
 We were served with fried venison and bacon, 
 corn bread and coffee the latter articles being 
 bought in, and brought from New Orleans. A 
 large fire was built in an adjoining cabin, and 
 finding it impossible to dry our saturated clothes, 
 we spread our blankets, and soon were fast asleep. 
 In the morning, we had an excellent breakfast, 
 with figs and peaches Indian relics these for 
 dessert; and at parting, gave the man our long 
 treasured three dollars the proceeds of the salt. 
 At first he refused it, but we forced it on him. 
 He divided a number of pounds of dried venison 
 among us, and we departed. We had not been 
 more than an hour upon our route, when our old 
 friend, at whose house we had spent the previous 
 Thursday, rode up, shook us each by the hand, 
 
A NIGHT WITH THE RATTLESNAKES. 
 
 and trotted off ; being bound as he said to have 
 the beef all ready for us. 
 
 This was a severe day for all. Forty miles 
 over a heavy road, often through deep^ mud, with 
 the thermometer above one hundred, and a heavy 
 knapsack, with musket or side-arms, was no joke. 
 
 We managed to muster for dinner, but after 
 that were widely separated Cooper and I far in 
 advance; Prime, Higgins, and Carpenter bring- 
 ing up the extreme rear. 
 
 It was eight P. M. when we reached Captain 
 Dunn's plantation, and the owner and our old 
 friend met us, a full half mile this side. 
 
 In front of the cabins fires were burning, meat 
 cooking and drying, negroes flitting to and fro 
 before the lights, and quite an animated scene 
 presented itself. 
 
 A plentiful supper was provided for us, and 
 down we sat the men continuing to drop in for 
 two hours, at which time all had arrived, save the 
 captain, Higgins, and Carpenter. They camped 
 some eight miles off the first two used up by fa- 
 tigue, the latter by the ague. They arrived in 
 time for breakfast next morning. After the sun 
 had passed the meridian heavy clouds began to 
 gather, and portend another violent storm. Fear- 
 ing that the ford at Swartwout might be rendered 
 
BLUE BLAZES. 245 
 
 impassable, we packed up our half-dried beef in 
 haste, and took the route. 
 
 Dunn mounted his horse and left for Swart- 
 wont, promising to meet us on his return which 
 he did gave every man a pound of tobacco, 
 made a warlike speech, and bade us adieu. 
 
 We were not destined to see the Trinity that 
 night. Dunn had hardly clapped spurs to his 
 horse, and dashed off, when a heavy peal of thun- 
 der rolled, echoing through the forest; brilliant 
 flashes of lightning darted to and fro, a hurricane 
 swept the wood, old pines came topling down, 
 and the storm, in terrific grandeur burst upon us. 
 "We found a temporary shelter under a large, low, 
 leafy tree; but peal after peal, and flash after 
 flash succeeded ; the air was full of electricity, 
 and a lambent tongue of blue flame played around 
 the muskets of the men, and even the hilts of our 
 swords. In a moment, our arms were stacked 
 against the body of the tree, and each one sought 
 shelter under the nearest bush. 
 
 When the storm ceased, night was upon us, and 
 we were forced to camp where we were. 
 
 The next morning we arrived at Swartwout, a 
 town then consisting of one small store and one 
 or two houses named after the distinguished lead- 
 er of that band of modern financiers who mistake 
 peculation for speculation who here expended 
 
246 A NIGHT WITH THE RATTLESNAKES. 
 
 most of that money which was missing from 
 Uncle Sam's coffers. 
 
 We forded the Trinity without accident, save 
 that Corporal Jarboe professing to be experi- 
 enced in fords, and not liking the course pointed 
 out to us took one of his own, speedily suc- 
 ceeded in finding a hole, disappeared, and came 
 very near losing his life, in his endeavors to save 
 his musket. 
 
 On the opposite bank was the Coshattee vil- 
 lage, where lived the remains of the noblest 
 tribe the cr&me de la creme of all southern 
 Indians. 
 
 When the Creeks submitted, the Ouches moved 
 further south, and continued to maintain their 
 independence. When they were conquered, their 
 fiercest tribe the Seininoles took refuge in Flo- 
 rida. When they were forced to yield, the Co- 
 shattees, the royal blood of the tribe, abandoned 
 the Everglades, and found a new hunting-ground 
 in the interior of Texas. 
 
 During the late Seminole war, all the warriors 
 of this tribe disappeared, and were not seen again 
 until its termination. No white man saw them 
 on their war path ; they went and came like 
 shadows. At least fifty warriors crossed and re- 
 crossed half of Texas, the whole of Louisiana, 
 Mississippi, Alabama, and part of Florida, with- 
 
PRETTY SQUAWS AND SPANISH KETTLES. 24:7 
 
 out being seen by mortal eye, save that of their 
 own caste. 
 
 For the first time I now saw squaws, that might, 
 in the strictest sense of the word, be called beau- 
 tiful, though the few men that we saw were of a 
 truly noble mien. 
 
 Their dwellings, which were neat cabins, were 
 well arranged and comfortable. An immense 
 corn-field, in the midst of which their village 
 stood, was exceedingly well tilled, and bore a 
 heavy crop of corn and pumpkins. Before every 
 door were one or more of those singular old 
 Spanish pots, that are no longer to be met with 
 but in pictures. Who knows but that De Soto 
 may have eaten soup prepared in one of them? 
 
 "We called upon old Collete, the sachem of the 
 tribe, and found him seated, cross-legged, upon 
 the raised platform of cane, that answers for set- 
 tee and bed. He was plainly, but richly dressed, 
 and received us with as much dignity as if he had 
 been every inch a king. 
 
 When we took leave, he sent his daughter, a 
 beautiful girl of nineteen, and no darker than a 
 rich brunette, to show us through the village and 
 to our road. 
 
 After leaving the Trinity, the first settlement, 
 then, was on the prairie, twenty-four miles from 
 the river ; but ten miles on, stood a deserted cabin, 
 
24:8 A NIGHT WITH THE RATTLESNAKES. 
 
 and there we were advised to lodge, build a huge 
 fire, and if possible, escape the torments of that 
 curse of the Trinity river, the buffalo knat. 
 
 At last, we arrived at a spot, where, evidently, 
 a clearing had been made, but so rank was the 
 growth of the weeds, that the cabin was entirely 
 hidden from our view ; nevertheless, there it was, 
 when we penetrated the weeds for a few rods, and 
 in pretty good order too. The door had dropped 
 off, and was lost in a rank growth of grass, the 
 hearth was full of cracks, and the old puncheon 
 floor gaped widely, but still it was a shelter, and 
 at least promised protection in case of rain. We 
 congratulated ourselves upon so good a camping- 
 place. 
 
 Wood was brought to cook our supper ; Osborne 
 brought one pail of water from a branch hard by, 
 and Corporal Peter Anthony promised to bring 
 the other after supper, since as it would be only 
 required for drinking, it would be the cooler the 
 later it was obtained. As it was warm, and as we 
 were not particularly hungry, we determined to put 
 off fire-lighting and supper as long as possible, and 
 so lighting our pipes, sat down to rest and chat. 
 
 Supper-time came at last. One of the men com- 
 menced making the fire, but not in manner to 
 please Mr. Jarboe, who, jumping up in haste, to 
 arrange matters to his satisfaction, fell sprawling 
 
PETER'S BUMBLE-BEES' NEST. 249 
 
 over the pail of water, upsetting it, and receiving 
 a large share of its contents on his own person. 
 For this exploit he was rewarded with a peremp- 
 tory order to take both pails and fill them imme- 
 diately. The old house stood upon piles, some 
 three feet high, and was, as usual, open under- 
 neath. The step was gone, and so Corporal Jarboe 
 sprang down, but in an instant bounded back 
 again, pale as a sheet, declaring as soon as fear 
 loosed his tongue, that he had jumped on a rattle- 
 snake as large as his arm. 
 
 " Humbug," exclaimed Osborne, seizing the 
 pails, and making for the den. 
 
 " Hold your horses, Osborne," said Cooper ; 
 " might be looks like no fool of a place for 'em." 
 
 Cooper seized a long stick, and going to the den, 
 swept the tops of the rank weeds with it, and 
 poked about on the ground. 
 
 *' Come here, and listen," said he. 
 
 " Bumbly bees nest,' said Jarboe ; " and 'pears 
 to me I kin smell cowcumbers." 
 
 " Bumble bees and cucumbers ! you immortal 
 jackass," exclaimed Cooper ; " why, man, if there's 
 one rattlesnake within reach of this pole, there's 
 a dozen. Light that fire, Osborne, and you'll hear 
 fun." 
 
 The moment that the flame seized upon the dry 
 sticks, illuminating the room, and shining through 
 
250 A NIGHT WITH THE RATTLESNAKES. 
 
 the crevices of the floor npon the ground under- 
 neath, we were saluted with a burst of rattlesnake 
 music, from countless performers beneath us, and 
 not more than three feet beneath us, either. 
 
 We were evidently in a snake den, and prison- 
 ers for the night, without a drop of water or half 
 a supply of wood. From one corner of the roof 
 we tore down some boards, to lay over the crevi- 
 ces in the floor, and also for fuel ; and while so 
 doing, something fell from above and landed at 
 Corporal Peter Anthony's feet. 
 
 " Well," exclaimed that worthy, " dern my skin, 
 ef you ain't the funniest beggar I ever see. Why 
 you're a heap curioser than them horn-toads they 
 tell on. I'm bound to carry you to Houston, alive, 
 that's a fact." 
 
 And so he started to pick his curiosity up. 
 
 "Let be!" roared out Cooper. "Why, man, 
 that's a centepede, a heap worse than rattlesnake 
 or moccasin." 
 
 Peter Anthony betook himself incontinently to 
 the furthest corner of the cabin, and the cente- 
 pede was immediately killed and thrust into the 
 fire. 
 
 That most wretched night I shall never forget. 
 Driven to frenzy by the gnats ; sweltering at 
 times, with our heads under our blankets as long 
 as we could bear it; tormented with thirst with 
 
CORPOKAL PETEK'S LAST. 251 
 
 rattlesnakes beneath and centepedes and scor- 
 pions above oh ! it makes my flesh creep now to 
 think of it. 
 
 How we left the spot as early as possible ; how 
 we camped at the next settlement ; how we 
 marched fourteen miles, under an August sun, 
 without water, and when we reached Luce Bayou, 
 found it dry except in one small mud-hole, that 
 was fairly alive with moccasin and water-rattle- 
 snakes ; how we were forced to dip up the nau- 
 seous compound, and after mixing it with ashes, 
 let it settle, and use it ; how Cooper and I had- 
 called two fine does out of a thicket, and were 
 just about firing from a snug hiding-place, when 
 Jarboe, who had been expressly ordered to remain 
 in camp, blazed away at them, and but just missed 
 us / how we were routed from our camp that 
 night by mosquitoes ; how we lost our track, and 
 got into the Hoffman settlement ; how well we 
 were treated, even to the furnishing of a team to 
 take our baggage to Houston ; how, when we arri- 
 ved, we found the Revel was adjourned sine 
 die I want both time and patience to relate ; 
 but will conclude with the corporal's last ad- 
 venture. 
 
 We were camped at the Atascasete ford of the 
 San Jacinto. Our fires were built on a glistening 
 shingle, and before us rolled a river, whose cold, 
 
252 A NIGHT WITH THE RATTLESNAKES. 
 
 pellucid waves brought to our minds the pure 
 streams of our fatherland. 
 
 A brilliant sunset had set its seal upon a day of 
 extreme warmth, and the glowing hues that gilded 
 the evanescent twilight of this semi-tropical re- 
 gion, were fast deepening into night. The feath- 
 ered tenants of wood and plain, that from the lofty 
 tree top, or the lowly shrub perched upon some 
 leafless branch, or floating suspended in the clear 
 blue ether, had poured forth their very souls in 
 glorious melody, had ceased, and their evening 
 %hymn was sung. 
 
 The amphibia of river and swamp, had com- 
 menced their contra-basso serenade, aided with 
 an occasional solitary note from crane, heron, or 
 water-turkey. 
 
 In fact, it was night, and the monstrous bull- 
 frogs in the adjacent cypress brakes, and sundry 
 and divers other abominable reptiles were making 
 an abominable row. 
 
 We were all preparing to bathe, or else already 
 splashing in the river, when Captain Prime, 
 struck with the loud swelling bull-frog chorus, 
 asked the corporal " what it was that made that 
 horrid noise ?" and received in reply, that " it was 
 nothing but alligators." 
 
 Prime did not bathe, but contented himself 
 with a modest ablution in very shallow water. 
 
BULLFKOGS AND ALLIGATORS. 253 
 
 "Jarboe," said I, when out of the captain's 
 hearing, " did you think you were playing off a 
 capital joke on the captain, about the alligators ?" 
 
 " Why, sir, he's so amazin' green about some 
 things, I can't help havin' a leetle fun some- 
 times." 
 
 " Well, only look out yourself, that's all ; there's 
 a proverb about going out after wool, and coming 
 home shorn. I can but tell you one thing 
 there is not a stream in Texas so noted for alliga- 
 tors as this same San Jacinto ; they all come up 
 from the bay to summer in Its cold waters." 
 
 The corporal was half frightened, and for a time 
 stuck to the shallow current of the ford, but the 
 sight of the others splashing and swimming in 
 deeper water below, proved too great a tempta- 
 tion for him. 
 
 I gave our mischievous Frenchman a hint, and 
 he proceeded to act upon it. Charley swam like 
 a duck on the water or under, it was pretty 
 much the same to him. 
 
 Peter Anthony was standing up to his neck in 
 water ; he had just looked up stream, to be very 
 sure that no alligator was behind him, and seeing 
 nothing but Charley, some four rods off, turned 
 round again, spread out his arms, and proceeded 
 in his usually slow and majestic manner, to swim. 
 The moment that he turned, Charley who was 
 
254: A NIGHT WITH THE RATTLESNAKES. 
 
 standing upon the bar plunged into the deeper 
 water, and pulled, entirely submerged, for the 
 corporal. 
 
 Peter heard the splash, partly turned around, 
 could see nothing but the disturbed water, and 
 being pretty thoroughly alarmed, struck out for 
 the shore, just as Charley, under water, seized 
 both legs with his hands, his long sharp nails cut- 
 ting through the epidermis. 
 
 The bellow of a mad bull was eolian melody 
 compared to that of Peter Anthony. 
 
 "HELP! HE-E-E-ELP!" he reared. " Oh the 
 Gorry Mighty! ALLIGATOR! ALLIGATOR!! ALLI- 
 GA-A-A-TOR !!! Oh, boys ! Oh! OH, pull me out !" 
 
 Three or four seized him Charley keeping his 
 hold until the corporal was drawn ashore, in a 
 condition as near fainting as a man of his nature 
 could be. 
 
 A word and a wink to the men was enough ; 
 and to this day the ci-devant corporal believes 
 firmly in his miraculous escape from the alligators 
 of the San Jacinto ; and during the short time he 
 remained with us, certainly did not wash either 
 face or hands ; which we attributed to his newly 
 acquired horror of the water. 
 
 The last authentic information that I received 
 of Mr. Jarboe was from a distinguished naturalist, 
 who narrated to me the extraordinary escape from 
 
THE CAPTAIN. 255 
 
 an alligator, of a man who lived then upon Buf- 
 falo Bayou. He had seen the scars left by the 
 animal's claws, and much wondered at the rep- 
 tile's mode of seizure." 
 
 " But, 'pears to me, Milward," said Uncle Billy, 
 " that ar wer a great sorter captin your company 
 hed." 
 
 " Granted for volunteers," replied Milward. 
 " He was an excellent drill officer, a gentleman of 
 birth and education, but possessed of, or rather "by 
 certain high toned chivalrous notions, that did 
 not accord with a command of volunteers and of 
 such volunteers. His pride, and their independ- 
 ence ; his chivalrous ideas, and their general want 
 of principle^ clashed continually. He was as 
 brave a man as ever lived, and I have seen him 
 tried. He would have led a company of regulars 
 with honor to himself and them but could not 
 get on with New Orleans volunteers. Among 
 them were a few good men, but the rest of them 
 were certainly only food for powder. I had some 
 of them with me in our race after Wool, but 
 after that time, lost entire track of every one ex- 
 cept of our friend Corporal Peter Anthony Jar- 
 boe who has succeeded much better in raising 
 corn and potatoes, upon shares, than he ever 
 would have done in fighting the Mexicans." 
 
CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND A HOKSE TRADE AND A HALF. 
 
 " Now Sammy, my son," said Uncle Billy, 
 " what on airth wer you a bariin' arter, the time 
 when me and Milward and mighty nigh the hull 
 raft on us, wer getting ready for that jofired revel 
 we'd had an invite to ?" 
 
 " Well, Uncle Billy," replied Bunce, " the fall 
 before, I got putty much out of notions, and so I 
 went down east, to see my folks, and pick up a 
 few things that would be liable to suit this wooden 
 country. And there was one little sarcumstance 
 that, happened that I won't forget easy, nor Joe 
 Hopkins neither, I guess. 
 
 You see it was plaguy nigh winter when I 
 come, and I stayed on till it was so pesky cold, 1 
 had to up killick, and steer for a warmer cliinit. 
 
 This Joe Hopkins and me, when I lived up 
 there, had made many a trade, but I was sort of 
 afeard of him now, that's a fact. I'd been down 
 
 here so long, where tradin' was as easy as an old 
 256 
 
BAM STANDS ON HIS DIGNITY. 257 
 
 shoe, and he'd been a sharpnin' his wits agin all 
 the grinstun's in the State. Now I never see him 
 but he was a tryin' it on for a trade ; so I kinder 
 put on my dignity, and ses I 
 
 "Joe, I'm a man of propitynow; own more 
 head of cattle than the hull town, and more land 
 than there's in it, and 't ain't the right thing for 
 me to be seen a tradin' jack-knives and a swop- 
 pin' watches." 
 
 " Oh psho !" ses he, I've hearn you talk afore. 
 You're afeard of me, that's what it is ; but you 
 can't keep from tradin', and I'll make a dicker 
 with ye afore you've quit these parts, I'll bet a 
 leather ninepence against a Bungtown copper." 
 
 " Joe," ses I, " I've been a livin' amongst honest 
 folks, that trades fair, and I've larnt new ways of 
 dickerin', while you've been a hoss-jockeyin' all 
 over created nater, plaguy nigh. Now see here, 
 Joe, I may make a trade with you ; it's in my 
 blood, and I can't help it, but I give you fair 
 warnin 7 Joe, that I never will, unless I'm morally 
 certin I cut through hair and hide clean into the 
 quick." 
 
 Joe laughed at me, and said he'd keep his eyes 
 wide open. Afore the week went by, he'd chiz- 
 zled my younger brother George, awful, in a hoss 
 trade, and thinks I, c my fine feller, if that chance 
 does turn up, maybe you won't ketch it.' 
 11 
 
258 DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. 
 
 Now the boss he'd traded to George was nat'- 
 rally a dreadful fast crittur, full blood, and not 
 more'n nine year old, but so awful bad foundered 
 that she wasn't worth the price of her keep to no 
 created bein'. About two mile off, down to 
 Squashtown, old Deacon Solomon Squash had a 
 eight year old mare, almost the very picter of 
 George's hard bargain, only she was sound all 
 over mane hogged, tail-bobbed, and a white 
 star in her forred. When I'd studied it all over, 
 I got an idee into my head, made George shut up 
 the mare, and put the oil cake and the oats into 
 her by the bushel. She was blanketed, and 
 cleaned, and rubbed down, and her feet docter'd, 
 and for a month wasn't put to no work neither 
 saddle, nor waggon, nor team. That wasn't all ; 
 I hogged her mane, and bobbed her tail, and when 
 her coat got into order, and shone like a glass 
 bottle, you couldn't have told her from the Dea- 
 con's mare to look at her all but that plaguy 
 white star. 
 
 There come a snow bimeby, and a deep one. 
 There hadn't been much for two or three years 
 afore and there wasn't a sleigh in order no where 
 around ; but a neighbor soon rigged up a sizeablo 
 drygoods box on a pair of hoop-poles, and shaved 
 the poles where they showed, and painted 7 em, 
 and when a big buffalo skin was thrown clean 
 
JOE " FOUND OUT." 259 
 
 over the box, the hull concern looked amazin' 
 fine, and run slick as grease. When it was all 
 done, I painted a beautiful white star in the 
 mare's forred, borrer'd the pung, and jest about 
 dark took in George, and off we slid for Squash- 
 town. "Now Uncle Slick's grandmother's dater, 
 by her first husband, had married an own cousin 
 of Deacon Squash's lady's aunt, and so we allers 
 was looked on by the deacon as being putty nigh 
 related, and he was allers plaguy obligin' to us 
 boys so I knew he'd help us in this hoss bisniss, 
 and not tax onreasonable. 
 
 We druv over to his house, and fixed up things, 
 and then, leavin 7 George, I pulled rein for the 
 tavern, and went by it like a streak, round in the 
 yard, put my mare under the shed, blanketed her, 
 went into the tavern, and asked for Joe Hopkins. 
 
 "Oh, he's jest gone up to Dolittleville," says the 
 tavern-keeper, " for a ride, with a lot of the boys. 
 They're comin' back, to most a bang up supper, at 
 nine. Won't you jine in, Cunnle ?" 
 
 " Don't keer if I do," ses I, " and I kinder guess 
 I'll drive over to Dolittleville myself 't aint but 
 three miles. Where will they put up at?" 
 
 "At Deacon Dolittle's, for certin," says he. 
 " Our boys allers duz." 
 
 " Hold your bosses one minit, Nutmegs," inter- 
 
260 DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. 
 
 rupted Uncle Billy. " What did that man call 
 you Cunnle for ?" 
 
 " Why, ye see, Pd jest cum from Texas," re- 
 plied Bunce ; " and as there ain't never anything 
 lower than Gunnies comes from there, so the folks 
 couldn't do less than make one of me. I didn't 
 like it at first, but kinder got used, and let it go." 
 
 Uncle Billy simply whistled. 
 
 " Well," resumed Bunce, " I druv over slow 
 jest so's to keep the mare warm, and not fret her, 
 and took pesky good care not to go nigh Dolit- 
 tle tavern, but put up at Elder Lovejoys, who 
 wer a clean opposition to the deacon. He was a 
 hard-shell baptist, and the deacon an old-fashioned 
 presbyterian, blue as an indigo bag. 
 
 I watched t'other tavern pretty clus, and bime- 
 by our boys cum out, and off they cut full chizzle, 
 all on a dead race for home. 
 
 Out come my mare, and in a couple of shakes 
 of a sheep's tail we was a doin' our three minits 
 jest as fine as silk. Joe was on the lead, a goin' 
 like mad, but tell ye what, Uncle Billy, with the 
 soft snow under her, my mare handled her feet 
 like a colt, and I went by the hull bilin', all but 
 Joe, jest like greased lightnin'. He was a long 
 ways on the lead, and hearin' the hollerin, turned 
 around, and when he see me I heard him sav 
 
THE BILL OF BALK. 261 
 
 c * There's that darn critter of the deacon's agin- 
 Til give her another heat, by Jerusalem." 
 
 Well, he tried it, but I passed him like a mile 
 post, druv on to the Squashtown tavern, and run 
 my mare inside the shed. 
 
 Up they come in a minit, and the first words 
 Joe said, was, 
 
 " How in thunder come you by the deacon's 
 mare ?" 
 
 " Bought her/' ses L 
 
 " The nation," ses he. " I've been a tryin' him 
 for that mare for goin' on three year. I'd a 
 guessed he'd have traded off his old woman 
 first. There, Jed, you're a pokin' fun ; I don't be- 
 lieve it." 
 
 "Maybe you've seen the deacon's handwrite 
 afore now," ses I, a handin' him a paper. 
 
 He snatched it, and read right out 
 
 " Sguashtown, January 17, 1842. 
 " This is to certify, I have sold my nine year 
 old bay mare to Jedediah Bunce, for a valuable 
 consideration, and I hereby warrant her as per- 
 fectly sound in wind and limb as she was the 
 minit I bought her. 
 
 "SOLOMON SQUASH. 
 "Witness, 
 " SEMPKONIUS TUBES." 
 
262 DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. 
 
 "Well there now, I'm took in for once/' ses 
 he. " I allers called her only eight ; but the na- 
 tion, Jed, how come you to buy sech a critter ? 
 What'll you do with her not take her down to 
 Texas, where horses are cheap as dirt ?" 
 
 " I dunno," ses I, " give her to Georgo, I guess, 
 and let her stand for that critter you put onto 
 him." 
 
 " Well, Jed/' ses he, " I did chizzle him too 
 bad. It kinder hurt my feelins, when I come to 
 think on't ; and if it wasn't for my rule a trade's 
 a trade I'd a come next mornin' and swapped 
 back. Psho, Jed, that's no kind of critter for 
 George ; he'll get swindled out on her in a week ; 
 he don't know nothin' about hosses ; but you, Jed, 
 you kin talk boss and read hoss. You hav n't 
 been among the mustangs for nothin', and I'd be 
 mighty skeary about tradin' with you, that's a 
 fact. You don't want to swop for the best farm 
 hoss in the State weighs thirteen hundred ; jest 
 risin' seven, and worth two of your critter, for 
 George do ye ?" 
 
 " Donno," ses I ; " keep her a while, maybe ; 
 but that new sleigh's a plaguy sight too light; 
 must get a heavier one. She'll tear this to flin- 
 ders, the way she goes. 
 
 " I'll trade my sleigh, buffalo robe and all un- 
 sight, unseen for your'n," ses he, mighty spry ; 
 
JOE IS BADLY SOLD. 263 
 
 and most a grand one it is ; paid fifteen dollars 
 yesterday, for new runners and paintin'. I'll 
 trade for twenty dollars to boot." 
 
 " Give you five," ses I. 
 
 " Done," ses he and out he bolted, and took 
 out his hoss. When he come in, ses I, " there's 
 your five dollars." 
 
 "And there's your sleigh," ses he; "where's 
 mine?" 
 
 " I dunno," ses I " I ain't got none, but that 
 five dollar trap" a pintin' to the one he'd just 
 traded. 
 
 u What did you ride up here in ?" ses he. 
 
 a A drygoods box, sot on hoop-poles," ses I. 
 
 " Bring that up." 
 
 "'Tain't mine; I borrer'd it from Faithful 
 Cutter." 
 
 " Jehoshophat ! Let's have the buffalo." 
 
 " That's Faithful's, too." 
 
 " Jed Bunce," he begun, " you dod-rotted slip- 
 pery skunk " 
 
 " Easy over the stones, Joe," ses I. " A trade's 
 a trade, ye know." 
 
 " Well, that's a fact," ses he. " Boys, come up, 
 and take a leetle bitters ; and mind, I'll pay for 
 supper and trimmin's if you'll shet pan about this 
 trade." 
 
 I tell ye, neighbors, there was a rale genoine 
 
264 DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. 
 
 Yankee laugh bust out jest about that time, and 
 it continer'd to be heard every leetle while du- 
 rin' the evenin'. 
 
 When supper was over, Joe was putty well 
 primed, and nothin' would do but I must try his 
 great grey hoss. I knew the critter all over, and 
 most a grand beast he was, only plaguy nigh four 
 years older'n Joe made him out. When I'd 
 played Joe long enough, I asked him a clean hun- 
 dred to boot, but at last backed down to fifty, and 
 then he clinched. 
 
 " Boys," ses Joe a handin' me over the fifty 
 "laughin's ketchin'. Jed's had his laugh, now 
 I've got mine. I said my hoss was risin' seven ; 
 considable risin' quite a risin 1 carackter he's 
 'leven in the spring." 
 
 " Why Joe," ses I, you dod-rotted slippery 
 skunk!" 
 
 " A trade's a trade? ses he. " If you'd a chiz- 
 zled me clean out of old grey and the fifty, I'd 
 have said the same." 
 
 " What's the bay mare worth ?" ses I. 
 
 " She'll bring four hundred dollars in Boston, 
 easy," ses he. 
 
 " Then I bought her most amazin' cheap," ses 
 I. " Paid the deacon fifteen dollars, and he made 
 money on her, too." 
 
 " Wfea-a-a-t ?" roars out Joe. 
 
SENSIBLE TO THE LAST. 265 
 
 " Certin," says I. " He bought her of George 
 this very day for fourteen dollars and fifty cents," 
 
 Joe ketched up a lantern, went out, came back, 
 and slappin' his fist on the counter, ses 
 
 " Jed, you go to Texas." 
 
 " Certin," ses I. " Goin 7 next week ; and afore 
 I go, I'll give you one leetle piece of advice, Joe 
 Hopkins. Don't be a poJcin? your trades down every 
 man's throat, or maybe some one will shut down his 
 teet/i, and your fingers may catch it; and when you do 
 trade, jest look everything all over twice putty close, at 
 t/ie last minit ; and last of all, Joe, don't forget that a 
 trade's a trade. 
 
CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 MUD AND WATER THE TOBACCO HUNT. 
 
 THE Judge, who had been very quiet for some 
 time so quiet indeed that I believed him dozing 
 raised his head, and fixing a quizzical look upon 
 Bunce, remarked 
 
 " If I were examining you in court, Sam, I 
 should say that your story was a skillful way of 
 avoiding an answer. You were asked to explain 
 your absence, at a period when all Texas and part 
 of the South-western States were arming, and you 
 have replied by an amusing account of a horse 
 trade, leaving seven good months to be accounted 
 for." 
 
 " There now, Judge," replied Sam, "I shouldn't 
 wonder if you'd nosed out a mare's nest. Them 
 seven months I spent in York, and Philadelphy, 
 and Cincinater, and Orleans, a picking up odds and 
 eends, for most nothin 7 , and that was about their 
 valley; but they did fust rate to trade with, 
 when you sweetened 'em with a mite of sugar 
 266 
 
AN ASSORTED CARGO. 267 
 
 and coffee, or tobacker, or maybe a leetle of the 
 pewter. Why, Judge, I picked up traps enough 
 to trade on for two years, and had more'n half on 
 'em left. Them I put into a store to Galveston, 
 and traded for land, marked up my goods at what 
 they was worth new, put on one per cent for pro- 
 fit, and swopped for land, at fifteen cents an acre. 
 Now the thing's all done, I don't mind tellin'. 
 I had jest about a clean five thousand in hides 
 and wool, and Mexekin blankets, and notions 
 sech as swans' skins, and young deers', and 
 mockin' birds, and horn-toads, and tigers' skins, 
 and a few young bears, and tigers, and possums, 
 and coons, and wild-cats, and sech a cargo as I 
 couldn't have got carried off by no captin'. So I 
 jest hired a brig right out, give a free passage to 
 some chaps who was flat broke, and wanted to 
 get back to York pesky bad to help take keer of 
 my meneygery ; filled up with cotton, enough to 
 pay all expenses, up killeck, and off for York; 
 and there, between Phin. Barnum, and the show 
 folks, and them Swamp hide fellers, and the Pine- 
 street wool dealers, I cleared out my adventure in 
 some less'n no time, and come out over three 
 thousand ahead. 
 
 Well, I laid out one thousand in bang-up new 
 goods, four, in all sorts of traps, chips and whet- 
 stuns ; two thousand to Orleans, in sugar and cof- 
 
268 MUD AND WATER THE TOBACCO HUNT. 
 
 fee ; t'other thousand, in payin' expenses ; got my 
 stuff over when all the blockade fuss was goin j 
 on ; got my coffee off for three times what it cost ; 
 sugar, ditto and likewise ; traded two years on my 
 stock ; got eight hundred head of cattle, and 
 swapped off the rest for thirty-five thousand acres 
 of land. 
 
 Then I spent five thousand of the real pewter, 
 buyin' old Texas money cost from seven up to 
 ten per cent. ; and that's salted away, snug in a 
 barrel, in the vault of the City Bank, to Orleens ; 
 and one of these fine mornin's, I guess, you'll find 
 it come up, all standin', right side up, with keer. 
 Sence then and that's three year ago me and 
 Uncle Billy, and Cunnle Ting's been a tradin' a 
 leetle in land ; and now seein' the flood's a 
 comin' I guess we've all on us got about land, 
 and stock cattle, and old red-backs, enough to 
 aford to hang up our fiddles, and wait for high 
 tide." 
 
 "Sam," said Dr. Allen, "I don't believe you, 
 you abominable cormorant and land-shark." 
 
 "Well, Docter," replied Sam, "you jest ride 
 over Pine Island parara, and Targentin's parara, 
 and look for my brand; and then head Cedar 
 Bayou, down to the mouth ; then over by Goose 
 Creek, and round by Sprott's, to Lynchburg." 
 
 "No you don't, Sam," answered Allen "No 
 
ECONOMIZING TOBACCO. 269 
 
 you don't ; IVe tried that confounded Circle Prai- 
 rie, and don't do it again. I got lost there, for 
 the first time in my life." 
 
 " Thar now, Docter," said Roberts, " fotch it 
 out ; let's hev it. Uncle Billy's mighty curus 
 about that scrape of your'n, sonny. He got astray 
 himself oncet on that dern no 'count, narrer con- 
 tracted, make-believe of a parara. Open on it, 
 Docter ; Uncle Billy's a harkin'." 
 
 " Well, you see, Uncle Billy," commenced Dr. 
 Allen, "I was staying on a plantation in the 
 lower end of the prairie, and near Goose Creek. 
 It was during the time of the threatened blockade ; 
 the Galveston people had taken fright, and many 
 of their goods were sent up to Houston. Coffee, 
 sugar, arid tobacco were very scarce indeed, and 
 could only be obtained by paying an extravagant 
 price, even if you found them at all. 
 
 Our neighborhood, at last, was entirely out of 
 tobacco ; sugar we cared nothing for ; coffee, it 
 was very hard to be deprived of ; but to exist 
 without tobacco was "tolerable, and not to be 
 endured." We had put off the evil day as long as 
 we could, mixed our tobacco with old coffee 
 grounds, economized and scraped all our pockets, 
 but it came at last ; there was not a pipe-full 
 south of Goose Creek. 
 
 We tried old coffee-grounds alone no go ; then 
 
270 MUD AND WATEE THE TOBACCO HUNT. 
 
 we mixed stramonium with them, which did 
 somewhat better, but was not over-safe to indulge 
 in to any extent. At last we heard from some 
 one that Bill Sprott was up from the island, and 
 had brought a supply of the needful. 
 
 Lots were drawn to decide as to who should 
 go after the weed, and Fate gave me the duty to 
 perform. The whole prairie was under water, 
 from knee to saddle-skirt deep. The mid prairie 
 was in a horrible fix, and there was no other way 
 left but to ride near the timber of Goose Creek to 
 the head of the east fork, swim the stream just 
 before it entered the timber, then down the other 
 side to the junction with the other fork ; up the 
 east side of the west fork, swim the creek at the 
 head, and then strike off diagonally through Circle 
 Prairie to Sprott's plantation. 
 
 On the timber at the junction, and right be- 
 tween the forks, lived old Jimmy Sprott, an uncle 
 of the individual whose tobacco I had designs 
 upon. Here I stopped a moment, to ascertain 
 if it were not possible to cross the west branch, in 
 the timber, but was advised not to think of it, as 
 it was dangerous. 
 
 So nothing being left but the long route, 
 through mud and water, I took it with the best 
 grace I could, and in four hours after I left old 
 Jimmy's, and six from the time I started, I arri- 
 
CIRCLE PRAIRIE. 271 
 
 ved at my destination a distance of two miles in 
 an air line from home ; of five, when no flat was 
 in the main creek to ferry us over, and we were 
 forced to cross both branches in the timber ; and 
 of eight, when obliged to adopt the long route. 
 
 I obtained my tobacco, and was off in a hurry. 
 The sun had just set, and I was very anxious to 
 head the first branch if possible before it was 
 quite dark ; so I drove the spurs into the sides of 
 my wearied animal, and for a few minutes he 
 threw the water finely ; but, alas ! it was but a 
 temporary ebullition of spirit, and he soon subsi- 
 ded into the stereotyped splash, splash, splash. 
 
 This prairie is surrounded on the south by the 
 timber of the bay, on the east by that of the main 
 Goose Creek, and on the west and north by a suc- 
 cession of mots of timber, of various dimensions, 
 but so near together, and so exactly on an ellipti- 
 cal curve, as to appear, at a short distance, to be 
 a solid continuous line of timber. 
 
 There was no moon, and night had no sooner 
 drawn her veil over the heavens, than the clouds 
 began to gather and the stars to disappear, one 
 by one, from my anxious gaze. I had but one 
 safe course to adopt, and that was to ride along 
 the mots of timber until they brought me near 
 the creek, then keep up the creek timber giving 
 it as wide a berth as I could, while keeping it in 
 
272 MUD AND WATER THE TOBACCO HUNT 
 
 sight, on account of the dangerous gulleys, half 
 hidden in tall marais grass to the head ; and 
 then home, by the same route that I came. 
 
 The last mot of timber nearly joined that at 
 the creek, and at this point the stream turned 
 off at a right angle, and then curved away to the 
 east. 
 
 Slowly and weariedly my horse passed mot 
 after mot. The last the one nearest the creek 
 I had intended to avoid, and pass between it and 
 the second. At last, I rode so long by the side of 
 a piece of timber, that I was convinced I had 
 passed my intended turning point; but having 
 passed, there was nothing to do but to keep on. 
 
 Presently there was a clear opening before me. 
 Dark as it was, I could see that ; and in a mo- 
 ment more I saw something that I did not like as 
 well bright lights upon the prairie but a short 
 distance ahead. 
 
 When I had stopped at old Jimmy's, I found 
 his boys making preparations for a fire-hunt, over 
 the very ground where I then supposed myself to 
 be, and if I rode nearer, there was no telling what 
 risk I might run of coming in for a chance shot ; 
 so I spurred my horse into a lope, and dashed off 
 for the lights shouting as I rode. At last I was 
 answered, but the distance between us was greater 
 than I had supposed, and I could but just hear the 
 
A HALT AND A TUMBLE. 273 
 
 voice. Two lights were stationary and one moved 
 on. Suddenly, my horse stopped, and so abruptly 
 as to throw himself almost upon his haunches, 
 and me nearly over his head. He had planted his 
 fore-feet so firmly in the soft prairie that it seemed 
 as if they were intended to take root there f or 
 not an inch further forward would he budge. I 
 coaxed and urged, but all in vain ; there he re- 
 mained immovable, every now and then blowing 
 and snorting, as if in fear. Now a horse is no 
 fool as you all know and I was certain that 
 something was wrong. It might be a gully 
 ahead, or it might be a tiger as we improperly 
 call the panther. There had been one lately in ' 
 the west fork timber, and Sparks' boys and I had 
 heard him crying about sunset, a few days before. 
 We had hunted until dark, but could not find 
 him. 
 
 If it was a gully, I had better get off and exam- 
 ine the ground ; if a tiger, I was quite as well off 
 in the saddle. It would not do however, to turn 
 my horse's head and alter my direction, for then 
 I should certainly be lost ; so, trusting to luck, I 
 dismounted, and taking the caberos in my hand, 
 proceeded to investigate the ground. I made a 
 step ahead of my horse, and down I went, ten 
 feet into a soft marsh. 
 
 I picked myself up, and strained my eyes to 
 18 
 
274: MUD AND WATER THE TOBACCO HUNT. 
 
 their utmost capacity in looking ahead. I knew 
 then where I was. I had not only passed the last 
 mot, but had followed round the creek timber 
 down, instead of up stream until I arrived at a 
 place where the open prairie ran to the water 
 upon either side, but between us and the water 
 was a quagmire that would have bogged a 
 blanket. 
 
 The worst, the most aggravating, the unkindest 
 cut of all, was, that one of those lights shone from 
 the window of the very home that I had left at 
 noon, the other at a near neighbor's, and the third 
 had been borne by some one passing between the 
 two probably in quest of me and my tobacco. 
 
 I do not know that I was ever more amazed in 
 my life. I had matches with me, and by rubbing 
 one smartly over my coat sleeve, obtained light 
 enough to see that it was .eleven o'clock by my 
 watch. I had been paddling about in this prairie 
 four hours and a half. I had been in the saddle, 
 and wet pretty much all over, nearly eleven 
 hours. My horse was nearly done up ; self ditto ; 
 there was home within a quarter of a mile, and 
 no chance of my reaching it for the next five 
 hours. 
 
 It was becoming abominably cold, and besides 
 experiencing that agreeable sensation, I was also 
 very wet, muddy, wearied, and hungry. But a 
 
A QUEER PILOT. 275 
 
 shelter I was determined to find ; for having bnt 
 just recovered from an attack of fever, a night 
 upon the wet ground would not have suited my 
 constitution at all. 
 
 I knew that upon the edge of all timber a well 
 defined cow trail is invariably found, and always 
 upon the best ground, and such an one, I was very 
 sure, was the path in which I stood. It would 
 not have been safe to have followed it on horse- 
 back, since I should have had my body ground 
 against trees, and my head broken with low hang- 
 ing branches, every few steps ; and it was too 
 abominably dark to avoid it, besides, I was afraid 
 my horse would give out. 
 
 I therefore determined to foot it, through mud 
 and water, and that my horse should pilot me. 
 So keeping him under my command, by holding 
 on one end of my long caberos, I started him oft* 
 upon the trail ahead of me, and away we went. 
 He followed the track like a sleuth-hound, and on- 
 ward, by the timber and through it ; sometimes 
 out in the prairie, heading the gullies ; sometimes 
 plunging down them and up again, I followed 
 him until we arrived at the old trail, that led to 
 the crossing in the timber, which I had previously 
 avoided on account of its danger, but now I deter- 
 mined to take the chance. 
 
 I remounted my horse ; he knew the road well, 
 
276 MUD AND WATER THE TOBACCO HUNT. 
 
 and in five minutes we were on the bank of the 
 creek. 
 
 The first dash brought us in water up to my 
 saddle-flaps ; the next, my horse's knees came in 
 contact with a partly submerged tree. He made 
 a regular dive almost turned a somersault and 
 both of us went entirely under ; for my feet were 
 out of the stirrups, and I, extended at length upon 
 his back. In a moment his head was up, and 
 puffing and snorting, he struck out furiously for 
 the other bank. Having lost ground by our sub- 
 mersion, we reached the other shore below the 
 landing, and at a steeper bank. With a violent 
 effort, the horse managed to plant his fore-feet 
 upon the ground, when, catching hold of an over- 
 hanging limb I swung myself ashore. After a 
 severe struggle, aided by all the assistance in my 
 power, the horse at last fairly floundered out, and 
 stood upon the bank, trembling in every nerve. 
 
 Putting him again upon the lead, through the 
 timber we went, then down its side, and old Jim- 
 my's field fence was before me. I shouted loud 
 and long, for the boys to call the dogs off. At 
 last they came that is, both boys and dogs my 
 beast was taken care of ; self ditto ; and so at two 
 o'clock in the morning, I found myself at the half 
 way house which I had left twelve hours before 
 returning to it a wiser and a wetter man ; hav- 
 
AN EXPENSIVE LUXURY. 277 
 
 ing learned, at least, to let Circle Prairie alone in 
 the night time. 
 
 The tobacco was rather dear, and I estimated 
 it thus : 
 
 3 Ibs. Tobacco, at $1 per lb., $ 3 00 
 
 Horse and Man, day and night, 5 00 
 
 30 days Ague, in consequence, at $10 per day, 300 00 
 
 30 days Time and Expenses, at $2, 60 00 
 
 Grand Total, $368 00 
 
 Whether the experience I had gained was 
 worth the extra price, or not, may be considered 
 as a mooted question. 
 
CHAPTEE XXVI. 
 
 THE SAN JAOINTO RACES THE LITTLE HEKO AND THB 
 BIG BULLY. 
 
 "Pn mighty apt to know ivry rod of that ar 
 consarned parara, timber and all, said Uncle 
 Billy. "What a blessed family them Sprotts 
 wer all but old Uncle Jimmy and his boys, pre- 
 haps. They wer allers mighty docious, ondly 
 when Captin Whiskey got his grip onto the old 
 man. 
 
 Prehaps I didn't hev a laugh at him oncet. 
 I wer a drivin' down the prairie with about a 
 dozen boys Pd picked up on the Trinity, and a 
 makin' for Sam Houston's camp. The Mexikins 
 hed jest burned Harrisburg, and wer down onto 
 the Bay, by Morgan's plantation, and the San 
 Jacinto races wer a goin* on. 
 
 Thar wasn't no club puss, but ivry man run for 
 his own stake, and the Tuscasete road wer lined 
 
 with settlers goin' east, a foot and a horseback, in 
 278 
 
THE OLD NICK TO PAY. 279 
 
 wagons and carts ; and all a makin tracks as if the 
 old sarpent war a barkin' right piert on thar trail. 
 
 We tried hard to get some of the men to jine, 
 but not a soul dar'd show his teeth to the Mexi- 
 kins though dern my skin ef the wimmin warn't 
 full of fight and I sartinly believe I could hev 
 raised a full company of 'em atween the Co- 
 shattes and the Tuscasete. 
 
 When we come to Luce Bayou, who should we 
 meet but old Jemmy Sprott and all his family. 
 Jimmy war a straddlin' a slab-sided white mar', 
 and a drivin' a par of beeves, hitched onto a 
 cart, that held his old woman and all kinds of 
 plunder." 
 
 " Ge-whilikins !" ses I, " is that you, Jimmy ! 
 with yer tail atween yer legs, a runnin' like a 
 whipped hound from them Mexikin cowards ? 
 "Not like your breed, Jimmy though I never 
 faver'd 'em much but better bad blood than 
 thin blood sech times as these." 
 
 " Why, Majer," ses he, " what's a feller to do ? 
 Heah's Santanner right across the San Jacinto, a 
 raisin' the old dragon, and whose to help ?" 
 
 " Whose to help 3" ses I. " Eusk's to help, and 
 Sam Houston's to help ; and Menard, and Baker, 
 and Hockley, and Turner, and the Whartons, and 
 old Niel, with his big guns, and iv'ry one's to 
 help. Why, Jimmy, the old fox hes run his bed 
 
280 THE SAN JACINTO RACES. 
 
 inter right smart of a trap. Rusk let the old 
 coon slip by, and then jest slid in atween him, 
 and Urea, and Filisola; and ef Houston don't 
 fight now, then Eusk keent make him, that's all." 
 
 " Well, Majer," ses he, " ye see we all took a 
 kinder skear, and thar wer a regler stampede 
 agoin' on, and the old woman and me allowed 
 we'd best vamos too ; and now, ye see, I recken 
 we'd best keep on/' 
 
 " You lie, Jim Sprott," bust out the old woman, 
 "and ye know it. Whose afeard of Santanner but 
 you ? Thar's little Jim, he kin shoot a rifle on a 
 rest ; he ain't afeard ; he wanted to jine the army 
 the stuffy leetle sarpent, and ondly just a risin* 
 nine and you, Jim Sprott, to be afeard of that 
 yaller nigger, Santanner. Ef he'd cum a pokin' 
 around whar I wer, I allow he'd git a pot of 
 bilin' water round his hed and shoulders. Yes 
 don't look riley you, Jim, to be a puttin' out, 
 and runnin' like a scart deer in a perara a fire, 
 when every settler, ondly no 'count whelps, has 
 gone to jine the army." 
 
 "Another thing, Jimmy," ses I " Ef the 
 Mexikins does cross, and sends their scoutin' par- 
 ties out, some on 'em's bound to find you out, and 
 then I recken you'll wish you'd a put yerself 
 where you could hev fit for it." 
 
 " Yer Uncle Jimmy can sight a rifle yet, Ma- 
 
OLD BILL SPROTT. 281 
 
 ger," ses he a pullin' a gun outer the cart, and a 
 takin' aim. 
 
 " Sight ! Jimmy ; yes," ses I, " but when it comes 
 to shootin', I allers recken hit's best to hev a lock 
 on yer gun, and that hasn't, ner t'other one in the 
 cart, ither." 
 
 " No more it hesn't nither," says he. " Well, 
 well, I took them locks off to clean and ile, and 
 consarn my ugly picter ef I didn't disremember 
 to put 'em on agin. I recken, Majer, I'd best 
 take your advice, and toe the back track." 
 
 Back the old varmint went, and though he did 
 get to camp, he wer mighty apt to keep off tell the 
 Mexikins hed got thar lickin, but he carried away 
 his sheer of the prisoners. You know they war 
 divided out amongst the settlers, and sot to work 
 for thar livin'. 
 
 Old Bill Sprott, though prehaps he wasn't one 
 of 'em. In the old Mexikin times he wer alcalde, 
 or wreck-master, or suthin ; piloted vessels up the 
 bay, and iv'ry little while, one on 'em would run 
 slap onto a sand-bank, or into the mud at low 
 tide, and then he'd hev 'em sold out at auction fer 
 a song ; and I'd like to hev seen the man down 
 thar that dar'd to buy even a pound of tobakker 
 onless Sprott said so. 
 
 Thar wer a brig comin' up oncet, and the captin' 
 wouldn't steer her whar he wer told to. Old 
 
282 THE SAN JACINTO EACES. 
 
 gprott bed his crowd along. Thar wer a diffikilty 
 riz up, and in a minit crack goes a rifle, and down 
 tumbles the captin, shot squar 7 through the hed. 
 Prehaps that cargo didn't go off cheap. The old 
 man sot out to be King of the Parara, and fer a 
 while he wer. He ruled that neck-of- the- woods 
 with his rifle, I tell ye. Them that stuck by him 
 did well enough, but ef a settler wer stuffy- 
 enough to stand up to his rack, his fences wer 
 tore down, his cattle shot down in the perara, and 
 all sorts of divilment worked on him. 
 
 Arter the fight at San Jacinto, things didn't 
 work quite so smooth. Thar wer two pertickler 
 settlers he never could let alone old Docter 
 White, that lived on the perara below, and a man 
 called Bingham, on tother side the Bay. 
 
 White had been abused so long, that he never 
 looked for any difikilty thar, but Bingham wer a 
 hoss of another color. He had the best house and 
 the best craps in the hull country, and everything 
 snug and nice around him. I reckon he wer the 
 first white settler on the Bay wer allers ready to 
 help the new comers, and hed got the good will 
 of the Bay people all but old Sprott and his 
 gang. They said he'd been one of Lafitte's men, 
 but had got religion, and settled down. 
 
 Sprott were mighty scart of him, and didn't 
 
 J 
 
CATCHING A TARTAR. 283 
 
 dar to meddle not onless he could fall onto him on 
 his own side of the water. 
 
 One day Bingham went up to Lynchburg, in 
 his dug-out, and wer a settin' smokin' his pipe in 
 the tavern, when who should walk in but old 
 Sprott and his crowd. 
 
 Now, old Sprott wer a giant, big as Sam Hous- 
 ton, and a mighty sight meatier and Bingham 
 war a small man, but rayther solid, and spry as a 
 wild-cat. He hadn't but one eye, nither, and 
 wer prehaps the last man you'd hev picked out to 
 hev sot up agin Sprott." 
 
 " Oho," ses Sprott, " I've ketched you, hev I ? 
 I swore I'd hev yer heart's blood if I iver sot eyes 
 on ye. Here, ye one-eyed son of a dog," (it wer 
 a female dog, I reckon), take that, for a taste*' 
 and he let drive his fist at him. 
 
 'Now thar wer a crowd in the room, but not a 
 man could iver tell what hanuened then. All 
 they see, wer Sprott and Bingham down on the 
 floor, and in hafe a shake Bingham broke through 
 ? em, and wer in his dug-out, and pullin' for home, 
 and thar lay old Sprott on his back eyes and 
 nose mostly stove in, blood a runnin' outer his 
 mouth, and his face all a jelly. Bingham did it 
 all up so mighty spry, they couldn't see a thing, 
 not rightly tell it wer all over. 
 
 Some of Sprott's crowd run to pick him up, and 
 
284: THE SAN JACINTO RACES. 
 
 some put out arter Bingham but he were too 
 smart for 'em. The only boat but his on the shore 
 wer Sprott's, and that he'd got in tow. 
 
 Well, they blazed away with their rifles, but 
 didn't faze him, and then sot out to hunt another 
 boat to carry Sprott home with. 
 
 When they got the old sarpent down to Sprott's 
 Bay, thar were a file of sogers, sent by Sam 
 Houston, to arrest the old man for piracy and 
 murder and he'd hev hed his neck stretched, 
 ondly he saved his life, by dying in his bed. 
 
 The awful beatin' and the fight, sot a fever a 
 goin' and that wer the last of old Sprott. 
 
 Betwixt the man he did fear, and the man he 
 didn't, he got his settlement. A few days afore 
 he got his whippin', he and his crowd were around 
 to Docter White's, and went to work a killin' and 
 a dressin' the Docter's hogs right afore his eyes. 
 
 The old Docter wer a sorter quaker, and it took 
 smart chaince of abuse to set his back up but 
 he wer powerful fond of pork and this last divil- 
 ment touched him in a soft spot. So, up he goes 
 to Sam Houston, and Sam knowin' both the men, 
 swar he'd see him righted sent off a file of sogers, 
 to take the old pirate, and they stuck thar tell he 
 wer dead and buried. 
 
CHAPTER XXVH. 
 
 A KISE OUT OF JOHN BULL, AND THE WOODEN DOUGH- 
 NUTS. 
 
 " MR. BUNCE," I inquired, " pray tell me how 
 you obtained the soubriquet of " Sam Slick ?" 
 
 " You've made a friend of him for life," said 
 Uncle Billy, " sartin. He's been a settin on 
 thistles this hafe-hour, and a itchin to give tongue, 
 no odds on what trail. He's all wound up like 
 one of his own clocks ; you've sot him agoin, and 
 hang my picter, ef you kin choke him off tell he's 
 clar run down." 
 
 " Oh, psho, Uncle Billy," retorted Bunce, " I 
 know a man about your size that kin spin yarns 
 with any one, if he gits a chance, so don't ye go 
 to throwin' stuns, not tell your own glass house is 
 insured. The Squire there asked me a civil ques- 
 tion, and that desarves a civil answer, at least 
 
 that's manners where I come from, 
 
 285 
 
286 THE WOODEN DOUGH-NTTTS. 
 
 You see. Squire, when I first come to Texas, I 
 brought over all the old traps I had ; most on em 
 things you couldn't sell nor give away, but I tell 
 you, when I mixed em a lettle with a few new 
 goods, and threw in a sprinklin of the pewter 
 pewter was pewter then, and a dollar as big as the 
 side of a house they all traded off first rate for 
 cattle. 
 
 Amongst other things, I had a dreadful big lot 
 of old-fashioned wooden clocks, that wouldn't go 
 nohow in Alabamy, but they went off here to 
 kill. 
 
 You see, when I traded with the folks, I never 
 asked for cash pay, but allers managed to pay 'em 
 a leetle, but then I carried off their hides, and 
 they did me better'n money. "Well, jest about 
 that time, them most amazin funny books that the 
 old Judge writ about Cousin Sam, got to bein' 
 around putty much all over, and I bein' kinder 
 proud of Sam, let it leak out putty much all round 
 how near kin we was, only he's a plaguy sight the 
 oldest ; so, puttin' that and my clock trade to- 
 gether, they jest fitted tha<, handle to my axe." 
 
 " How manv of the old Judge's stories are 
 true I" I asked. " Well," said he, " I dunno ; 
 putty much like my Injin story, I guess. There's 
 one thing certin as preachin', that if Sara's told 
 him some things that didn't happen, there's an 
 
A DEOLL CARGO. 287 
 
 amazin' big squad that has, he did'nt let on 
 about. 
 
 Now that Atashy story's nothin' but moonshine. 
 Sam went across, and he poked his nose in, putty 
 much all over, I guess, that's his way of doin' 
 things. He's putty generally give up in our 
 parts to be a leetle the modestest man in all crea- 
 tion, and never does nothin' that he's ashamed on. 
 There's some folks though, ses it's because he ain't 
 ashamed of nothin', but that's all envy. 
 
 Now, Sam went to England on some curus kind 
 of specilations that nobody ever'd heard or thought 
 on afore, and one on 'em I know he never leaked 
 out to the Judge. He took over with him putty 
 nigh a ship-load of clocks, and when the bills was 
 made out, the makers was for puttin' 'em down 
 amazin' low, but no ; Sam said, " do the fair 
 thing by Johnny Bull," and so the vally was sot 
 down straight's a shingle. 
 
 They was the first lot of Yankee clocks that 
 went over, and cost about a dollar and fifty cents 
 apiece, take 'em all round. 
 
 Well, the apprisers was peskily plagued to find 
 out their vally, and at last said the invice was'nt 
 right, no how so they sot 'em down at five dol- 
 lars apiece. 
 
 Now John Bull's got a law, or he had one then, 
 that if a man thinks be ain't fairly dealt with, and 
 
288 THE WOODEN DOUGH-NUTS. 
 
 his goods is marked up too high, the country must 
 jest step in and take 'em off his hands if he wants 
 'em to, and this is exactly the wrinkle Sam had 
 got inter his head. He didn't set any snare for 
 'em, but jest did everything fair and above board. 
 They sot the twich up, and then run their own 
 necks in it, jest as Sam knew they would. So 
 Sam told 'em sence they put so high a vally on 
 the article, he guessed they'd best keep 'em. 
 
 It was about the cutest thing he had ever did, 
 and the best spec he'd made so far, but that wasn't 
 all. He had down to York a great squad of old- 
 fashioned clocks, that he couldn't do nothin' with, 
 so he got the story spread there putty much all 
 over, and every body in the English trade went to 
 buyin' clocks. Sam's sold for double what they 
 cost ; they didn't keer what kind of clock it was ; 
 they was all intended for John Bull's benefit. 
 
 But he'd got enough of the first lot, one was a 
 dose, and a putty hard one to swaller. 
 
 Sam see putty plain that this rule wouldn't work 
 twice the same way, so he went to work to cipher 
 out some other case to apply it to. 
 
 When he'd figured it all up, and sot it down, he 
 pulls up stakes, and away he goes to Paris. There 
 he orders five thousand dozen of the very best su- 
 perfine A. No. 1, kid gloves, all bang up and no 
 mistake. These he had packed in a way that 
 
THE BIGHT-HAND GLOVES. 289 
 
 made Mounsheer Bulfrog open his eyes wide 
 enough. All the right hand gloves was put in one 
 set of cases, and the left hand ones in another. 
 
 The Frenchers sakrayed consideble, but 
 couldn't make head ner tail out on't. At last, 
 they bother'd Sam so bad, that he told 'em 
 that the women folks in England was subject to 
 a dreadful disease like in the hands, and they 
 was often took off, so that single gloves sold 
 fust rate there. 
 
 When he'd got all ready, he had the cases of 
 right-hand gloves shipped to a man in London, 
 and ordered the tothers to be sent on to Liverpool, 
 about a month arter; and somehow, the gloves 
 was billed to him at about half what they cost. 
 Sam ses he can't make it out nohow, sense he 
 knows he paid the full vally for 'em. 
 
 Now the duties on French gloves was awful 
 high, a darnation sight more'n the flimsy things 
 cost, and these duties Sam did'nt mean to pay. 
 
 Well the gloves got to London, the apprisers 
 marked 'em up like thunder, and the consignee 
 wouldn't touch 'em. When the time come to sell 
 'em at auction, Sam was there, examinin' the 
 goods, and putty soon he sings out : 
 
 " Hollo ! here mister, there ain't a pair in this 
 box, they'r every blessed one on 'em made for the 
 right hand." 
 19 
 
290 THE WOODEN DOUGH-NUTS 
 
 This sot 'em all to lookin', and not a pair was 
 found in the lot. What to make on't they didn't 
 know, no mor'n the Frenchers, but sold the 
 gloves must be, and sold they was, and for jest 
 nothin' at all. 
 
 "When he'd got this part done up straight, off he 
 shoved for Liverpool, and played the same game. 
 Then he sent both lots off together to some other 
 town, and had 'em straightened up, and sold 'em 
 for a monstrous big figger. 
 
 It was most a grand spec, and a superfine rise 
 out of the Bulls, that's a fact. The wool was 
 pulled over their eyes a leetle the slickest, and no 
 mistake. 
 
 You never ketch Sam tellin' the old Judge any 
 of them dreadful shines he used to cut, when he 
 was growin' up. I've hearn father tell of some on 
 7 em, and they do say he was gi'n up by all the 
 old wimin to be the beatinest critter that ever 
 was born around there. 
 
 I guess the wooden-nutmeg, and bass-wood- 
 pumkin-seed folks must have got their idees from 
 him, for they do say afore he was ten years old, 
 he laid in with a boy who was sarvin' his 'prentis- 
 ship to a turner, and got a lot of black walnut 
 do-nuts turned out. 
 
 Sam took 'em hum, and coaxed old aunt Charity, 
 who was a kind of help, that lived to his father's 
 
THE DOUGH-NUTS CONFISCATED. 291 
 
 to fry 'em, when she was makin' fried cakes, 
 and they looked jest as nateral as life. 
 
 Well, he took 'em to school, put 'em in his 
 desk, and putty soon the school-ma'am ketched 
 him, chompin' something behind his Daboll. 
 
 " What are you doin' on now, Sam ?" says she. 
 
 " I ain't a doin' nothing" ses he. 
 
 " You needn't tell me that, you obstropelous 
 young sinner," ses she, jumpin' up and runnin' to 
 his desk, and there was the do-nuts, lookin' most 
 pertikeler elegant and invitin'. 
 
 " A fine lot youVe got on 'em," said she, " ain't 
 ye now, Sam ? You must have stole all aunt 
 Charity fried last night. What for goodness* 
 sakes did you want with so many ?" 
 
 " I wanted to go a fishin', ma'am," ses Sam, a 
 whimperin' and a rubbin' his eyes with the sleeve 
 of his jacket. 
 
 " So, you was a goin' to run away, and go a 
 fishin', was you?" asked she, "now you be absent 
 this week jest once, and I'll take yer hide off. 
 Them do-nuts is confiskated accordin' to the rules 
 of this seminary ; but stop, han't you got no 
 cheese to eat with 'em ?" 
 
 " No, marrn, I wasn't a goin' to eat 7 em," says 
 he. 
 
 " Now, Sam Slick," ses she, " you've told lies 
 enough in all conscience, and if you open yer 
 
292 THE WOODEN DOUGH-NUTS. 
 
 head to speak agin this day, I'll give ye two dozen 
 with the ruler." 
 
 When play-time come, she give all the children 
 a do-nut apiece, all but Sam, and she told him 
 he could stay in and have the pleasure of seein* 
 her eat her shere. 
 
 She picked up one, and made a big bite at it 
 and crack went two teeth, broke short off. 
 
 " Oh, lordy massy !" ses she, a holdin' her hand 
 to her mouth, " what's all this ?" 
 
 She looks right clus at the do-nut, takes her 
 penknife and whittles it a leetle, and jest as she 
 picks up the ruler to dress Sam down, in busts 
 the hull school, a howlin' and yellin', some on 
 'em with teeth out, some with their mouths bleed- 
 in', and one hungry chap had got his do-nut into 
 his mouth, and couldn't git it out. 
 
 When she'd got 'em pacified, and pulled out 
 the do-nut, Sam was called up. 
 
 " Now, Sam," says she, " this is your last caper. 
 You've got to the eend of yer rope. I'm goin' to 
 give you sech a quiltin 7 as '11 keep ye warm the 
 rest of the winter, and then turn ye out of 
 school." 
 
 " What fer?" ses Sam. 
 
 " What fer? ye deceivin' critter!" Why, fer 
 bringin 7 wooden do-nuts here," ses she " and ru- 
 inin' my teeth, and thje dear childern's, too." 
 
SAM GETS A QUILTING. 293 
 
 " I ain't done no sech thing," ses he. " I 
 brought a lot of floats for a small seine,. that father 
 told me to take to Uncle Nathan's, and you went 
 and took 7 em away. You touch me if you dare, 
 and I'll tell father and the school-committee, how 
 you take all our things, and keep 'em, and get yer 
 dinners out of us every day." 
 
 Sam had her there, and she began to be a leetle 
 mite skeared ; so, ses she, in a milder way 
 
 "How does it happen, Sam, that these floats 
 have been fried ?" 
 
 " To keep the water out, so's they won't rot," 
 answers he. 
 
 " But why didn't you tell me, when you saw me 
 tryin' to eat 'em?" 
 
 " Cause," ses he, " you told me you'd quilt me, 
 if I open'd my head." 
 
 " So Sam got off then but havin' to go round 
 and tell the turner's boy what the upshot of the 
 matter was, it happen'd that the story got hum 
 afore him. And when he come to the barn, his 
 father was standin' in the door, and give him an 
 invite to come in. 
 
 " Now, Sam," ses he, " I'm goin' to quilt you. 
 Not for playin' the trick which I do think was 
 most amazin' smart only the children hadn't 
 ought to have suffered for the school-marm's 
 greediness, but because you didii't git out on't 
 
294: THE WOODEN DOUGH-NUTS. 
 
 without tellin' a lie, and luggin' me and your Uncle 
 Nathan inter the scrape." 
 
 " Look heah, Nutmegs !" asked Uncle Billy, 
 " Wer your Cousin Sam the man who first speci- 
 lated in wooden hams ?" 
 
 " Not by a jug-full," replied Bunce, " that was 
 done by some cute feller out to Kentucky I 
 guess." 
 
 " I have seen some sharper things done than 
 that," said Mr. Wiggins. 
 
 " Hoopee ! ef Wiggins hasn't opened his head," 
 shouted Uncle Billy. " Why, stranger, I reckoned 
 you wer a kinder dry bayou, swaller'd all you 
 could git, and never let none go ; but yer on a trail 
 now. Open away, and give tongue, like a good 
 feller." 
 
CHAPTEE XXVIH. 
 
 SHAKP FINANCIERING, AND DEAR INDIAN MEAL. 
 
 " THE smartest business affair, to my knowledge, 
 and the one which, though small in itself, produ- 
 ced the most important results," commenced Mr. 
 Wiggins, " was intimately connected with the re- 
 sumption of specie payments in '42. It was honest, 
 too, or at least what business-men call honest. 
 
 At the house in which I boarded lived a very 
 shrewd Yankee, who had come out there to intro- 
 duce some new kind of roofing, of which he was 
 the patentee. The man's name I think was Kel- 
 log, or something like it. 
 
 One day Kellog wanted a little change, to use 
 in paying off his hands, and so went into the Citi- 
 zens' Bank, and asked them to oblige him with 
 silver for a five dollar bill. New Orleans French- 
 men are never particularly civil to any but their 
 own caste, and a Yankee is their especial abomi- 
 nation ; so that Kellog received a short and insult- 
 ing refusal. 
 
 295 
 
296 SHAEP FINANCIERING AND DEAR INDIAN MEAL. 
 
 He retaliated pretty sharply, hard words fol- 
 lowed, and he was ejected from the bank. As he 
 went out of the bank he told them that they 
 should pay for this, and they did. 
 
 Kellog was about ready to leave for the North. 
 In a few days he had closed up his business, and 
 collected his money, amounting to about three 
 thousand dollars. This he soon changed into five- 
 dollar bills of the Citizens' Bank. 
 
 The next step was to retain an able lawyer, and 
 one who was willing to carry on his suits in the 
 lowest court. In this he succeeded. 
 
 As to legal advice, Kellog did not want it. He 
 had spent many a night in turning over the Lou- 
 isiana statutes that alone governed the decision 
 of the inferior courts and soon made two grand 
 discoveries. Their laws may have been since 
 changed, and from the results of these very suits, 
 but I know that they were in existence then. 
 
 First That the holder of any bill of exchange 
 or post note, or bill of any kind for money, could, 
 in case of default of payment when due, collect 
 from the maker or makers the amount, double ex- 
 change, and double interest which would be six- 
 teen per cent, per annum. 
 
 Second That in all suits for an amount not ex- 
 ceeding twenty dollars, the decisions of the infe- 
 rior courts were final, and did not admit of appeal. 
 
A PKECIOTJS ROW. 297 
 
 Kellog instituted a separate suit against the 
 bank for every five-dollar bill in his possession. 
 
 The bank employed the ablest counsel in the 
 city, but perfectly in vain, and Kellog gained the 
 suit on the first bill. The bank then " caved," 
 and offered to take up the remainder of the notes 
 with specie but no; Kellog would have every jot 
 and tittle of his pound of flesh, principal, inter- 
 est and all the legal expenses that he could pile 
 on. The bank would not pay at first ; but an exe- 
 cution upon their furniture brought them to their 
 senses, and Kellog left New Orleans as soon as 
 possible, with quite a little fortune. 
 
 The suit was brought on upon a Monday. One 
 week from that date the New Orleans Banks com- 
 menced paying specie, without giving any pre- 
 vious notice. The other solvent banks in the 
 country were obliged to follow their example. 
 Municipality money was thrown out, and went 
 down very low indeed. 
 
 For an entire week, we had the greatest riot 
 that New Orleans has yet seen. Then the waves 
 subsided, and the stream of finance has since 
 flowed smoothly on, only somewhat checked at 
 times by low water. 
 
 Kellog, who was a very talkative man, had kept 
 this matter to himself until the very day of the 
 trial, and then asked me to be present. I could 
 
298 SHARP FINANCIERING- AND DEAR INDIAN MEAL. 
 
 not believe him, but he was confident that he 
 would carry his point, and he did. 
 
 It was singular that I should have been in some 
 manner connected with the commencement of the 
 suspension of specie payments, as well as with 
 their resumption. 
 
 In the last part of the Spring of '47, 1 returned 
 to New Orleans, from the prairie regions of the 
 State. It was on a Sunday when I returned, and I 
 was to leave on the next day for the North. I had 
 with me quite an amount in bills of various banks 
 in New Orleans, Natchez, and Yicksburg. I in- 
 tended to have given them to the clerk, and have 
 taken up country money from him when we ar- 
 rived at Cincinnati, but desiring some specie, I 
 went into a bank in Canal street, " The Merchants' 
 and Mechanics' Bank," I believe and offered 
 them four five-dollar bills, of which three were on 
 that very bank. 
 
 The teller counted me out fifteen Mexican dol- 
 lars, and threw back one of the bills, saying 
 " they had enough to do to pay their own bills, 
 without cashing those of other banks." 
 
 " Indeed, Sir," said I, if you're so badly off 
 as that, I think I shall prefer even the " Mexicans" 
 to your bills, for travelling companions, here are 
 three hundred dollars I will thank you for them 
 in specie would prefer gold." 
 
SHELLING OUT. 299 
 
 " You'll get no gold in this shop, stranger," said 
 he, " and I'd pay you in coppers, if I had them." 
 
 So as I could get neither gold nor good treat- 
 ment, I sacked my dollars in my handkerchief, 
 made for a broker's office, and found gold four 
 per cent, premium, Northern sight exchange four, 
 and United State's bank-bills six. Mississippi 
 money, the man assured me, was " no whar ;" 
 they had bought on Saturday, but declined it 
 then at any price. 
 
 I had just time to draw the specie on what 
 other city bills I had, and to reach the boat as 
 they were hauling in the plank. I selected all 
 the Natchez and Vicksburg bills, and handed the 
 rest to the clerk, requesting him to pay them out 
 as soon as possible. 
 
 Among our passengers was a man who had a 
 government draft upon a Natchez bank, for two 
 hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars, and also 
 a heavy draft on Yicksburg. This was casually 
 told me by the clerk. 
 
 The moment of our arrival at Natchez, I jumped 
 on shore, took a carriage and drove up town in 
 haste, got my bill turned into specie, and then re- 
 turned myself. 
 
 It was the last of the bank's specie payments ; 
 the government agent was close behind me ; I met 
 him as I went out. The bank could not honor the 
 
300 SHARP FINANCIERING AND DEAR INDIAN MEAL. 
 
 draft ; he protested it ; the bank suspended, and 
 down like a pile of bricks went every one of its 
 congeners north, south, east and west. 
 
 I cashed my Vicksburg bills also, and the same 
 day their banks closed ; so you will see I can 
 justly say that I was in some manner connect- 
 ed with both the suspension and resumption of 
 specie payments." 
 
 u Say, you ! quit that !" roared out Bunce, 
 jumping up in a hurry, " Who 7 n thunder 's been 
 pourin' water down my neck ?" 
 
 " There, there, my son," said Uncle Billy, pat- 
 ting him on the back, " there ; now don't go to 
 cavortin' round here. No one's poured ar'y drap 
 of water down yer neck. YeVe been asleep, 
 Nutmegs, and it's sot inter rainin' like a day's 
 work, jest listen ; ain't thar a gush on't comin? 
 Ef ye will go to sleep right under a leak, lay yer 
 consated head on the table, and leave a hole 
 atween yer neck and that dern no-'count shirt 
 collar, ye mustn't mind a drap or two findin' their 
 way in." 
 
 " Drop er two," retorted Bunce, " wish I may 
 be chizzled if there wasn't a bucketful; but it 
 does rain powerful, that's a fact. Judge, heave 
 on a stick or two on our fire, will ye ? and Uncle 
 Billy, you've stuck to that are old peach long 
 enough jest pass it along." 
 
CREEK WITHOUT A MASTER. 301 
 
 Having refreshed himself, Bunce turned to 
 Wiggins, and said : " Well, now about them cute 
 rises, you was agoin' to tell on." 
 
 " Why, bless your lively-lookin' picter, Sam 
 Slick," exclaimed Koberts, " heah's the little 
 marchant been a talkin' like a book, and a tel- 
 lin' true stories to your Uncle Billy, he liked 
 ? em, he did; none of your no'count or'nary 
 holawagos yarns, and you've been a snorin' away 
 like an old he-bar in a hard freeze, with his 
 paws in his mouth. Why, man, ye purred ekul 
 to a young painter." 
 
 " Oh, let Sam alone," said the doctor, " an' jest 
 inform me what you mean by " holy waggon ?" 
 
 " Holawagos, stranger, holawagos," returned 
 .Roberts, "that's Creek." 
 
 " What do you mean, Uncle Billy ?" again en- 
 quired the doctor, " is it a branch, a bayou, or 
 what ?" 
 
 "Nither branch ner bayou," replied Roberts, 
 " hit's Creek, Creek Injin. When I was a chunk 
 of a boy, father did right smart Injin tradin', and 
 I sorter helped him. You could trade right piert 
 on two words, holawagos and suchos cM. One 
 means ( no ' count J and t'other c all gone? What- 
 sumever they bed to trade, it wer' aller's holawagos, 
 and ef they wanted anything, and hadn't got the 
 Mexikins, er the skins, then that was suchos che ! 
 
302 SHARP FINANCIERING. 
 
 Arter awhile they begin to larn the meanin' to 
 their own words, and play 'em off on us, as piert 
 as a puppy, and that didn't pay not hafe so well." 
 
 " Well, gentlemen," resumed Mr. Wiggins, 
 " since Mr. Bunce did not hear me, and as my 
 story was not of the wooden ham species, with 
 your permission I will relate one that is." 
 
 " Good as wheat, fust rate," interrupted Bunce. 
 
 " Some years since I was descending the Mis- 
 sissippi on the old Madison," said Wiggins. " We 
 were drawin' near to Mills' Point, when I observed 
 the captain and clerk on the hurricane deck, ex- 
 amining, with a spy-glass, the crowd assembled at 
 the landing, and also evidently very much amused 
 at something. 
 
 " Up on the wheel I clarnber'd, and so to the 
 spot where the officers were standing. As I came 
 up the captain asked 
 
 " Can you see him now ?" 
 
 " No sir. Stop stop ! yes I can. He has not 
 found us out yet. Now he has though, and is 
 taken with a leaving immediately." 
 
 Being well acquainted with the captain, after 
 the boat had made her landing, left, and was once 
 more steadily moving down stream, I determined 
 to get wind of the fun. 
 
 " Captain Freeman," said I, " if not an impro- 
 per question "I should like to know what was 
 
A PERSEVERING CHARACTER. 303 
 
 going on at Mill's Point just before we landed, 
 that amused you and Finch so much." 
 
 " Oh !" he replied, " it's a regular game that we 
 have with a man named Smith, here uncommon 
 name, is'nt it a small dealer in country produce, 
 but the most self-important man on the Point. 
 For years, at whatever time we landed morn- 
 ing, noon, or midnight Smith was the first man 
 on board, up at the clerk's office, inquiring for 
 letters and goods, which as he had neither friends 
 nor acquaintance above nor below he was not 
 very likely to receive. 
 
 At last we brought up a cask of wine-vinegar 
 for him, shipped by a Mills Point man, who had 
 gone down with us. 
 
 If half the cargo had been consigned to Smith, 
 he could not have made more fuss about it ; and 
 from that day he annoyed the clerks, mates, 
 and me, by insisting upon it, that there must 
 be something on board for him demanding to 
 look at the manifest, overhauling the letters, 
 and raising Cain generally ; so that I determined 
 not to stand it any longer, and brought him up a 
 brandy pipe filled with water, a bill of lading 
 from an imaginary person, with sundry charges 
 specified on the margin, amounting to twelve dol- 
 lars, and made out a freight bill for three more. 
 
 He paid his fifteen dollars, received his brandy- 
 
304: SHARP FINANCIERING AND DEAK INDIAN MEAL. 
 
 pipe, and has never troubled us since not that he 
 has in the least lost his taste for boarding steam- 
 ers, but he don't like the old " Madison," and when 
 he makes her out, invariably takes the shute.' 7 
 
 " He was well sold," said I. " How came you 
 to think of it ?" 
 
 The captain looked at me with a queer twinkle 
 in his eye, and said " I'll tell you, if you promise 
 to keep dark. I paid for learning. Not long be- 
 fore this happened, two young men came on 
 board at New Orleans, who had thirty pipes of 
 gin to ship to a leading house in St. Louis. They 
 trotted about the Levee to every St. Louis boat, 
 trying to beat down the freight, and finally, as I 
 was nearly full, and anxious to get off, we took 
 the lot very low. 
 
 There were marginal charges, for freight 
 from New York, insurance, cartage, storage, &c., 
 amounting on the whole to over three hundred 
 and fifty dollars, which the clerk paid. When 
 the " Madison" arrived at St. Louis, the con- 
 signees knew nothing about any such shipment, 
 but took the casks and paid the charges which, 
 by-the-way, we had the pleasure of refunding 
 afterwards for the casks proved to contain noth- 
 ing stronger than Mississippi water.'' 
 
 " Well, that's some," said Bunce, " but f t aint 
 quite up to what I read on in a Orleens paper, 
 
DEAR INDIAN MEAL. 305 
 
 when I was down to Galveston t' other day, how 
 a chap shipped fifty ceroons of cochineal, went 
 with the man who forked over the pewter for the 
 bills on Liverpool, cut one of the skins open, and 
 showed a most a splendid article jest about the 
 fust best, the man said put three thousand dol- 
 lars in his pocket, and marvel'd ; and when the 
 stuff got across the water, it turned out that forty- 
 nine outer the fifty was filled with injun-meal." 
 20 
 
CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 SAM SLICK IN MISCHIEF. 
 
 " THIS Injin meal bisnis," continued Bunce, 
 " 'minds me of another of Sam's obstropelous 
 shines. There was an old lady, a kinder help, 
 hired to Sam's father's when he was a boy. Aunt 
 Charity was a dredful good sort of a critter, did 
 all kinds of home chores" 
 
 " Excuse me, Sam," interrupted I, " but is that 
 the identical female that fried the wooden dough- 
 nuts ?" 
 
 " Certin," said he, " certin, the very critter. 
 Now what could have sot Sam to cuttin' up a 
 caper with her, I can't see. He'd ought'er been 
 ashamed of himself. 
 
 Aunt Charity was a most amazin' smoker, and 
 had her pipe in her mouth putty much the hull 
 time. When sabbath come, she allers waited 'till 
 the folks was gone, and then lit her pipe and 
 
 started all alone by herself smoked away till she 
 306 
 
SMELLING POWDER. 307 
 
 got nigh the meetin' house, and then shook out 
 the fire and tucked the pipe in her garter. 
 
 One Sunday she was a joggin' on to meetin' as 
 usual, had shook out the ashes from her pipe 
 when she come to the right place, tucked the pipe 
 in her garter, and was within a couple of rods of 
 the door, where all the wimmen and boys was a 
 standing, when all of a sudden suthin' goes che 
 bang ! a cloud of blue smoke comes up from under 
 the poor critter's clothes, and bein' scared out 
 of what little sense she had, down she sot very 
 quiet in the middle of the road. 
 
 The folks at the door heard the noise and 
 see the smoke, and in a minit she had a crowd 
 around her, askin' her all sorts of questions, but 
 all she did was to look up in their faces, with 
 the corners of her mouth drawd down, her eyes 
 big as sassers, and a kinder vacant smile beam- 
 in' on her smoke-dried old phizog, so that the 
 folks couldn't hardly help bustin' out a laughin'. 
 
 At last an old lady, who'd been a sniff-sniffin', 
 threw her nose up in the air, draw'd in a long 
 breath, and ses she 
 
 " Seems to me, 1 kin "kinder smell pander /" 
 
 At this critical juncture in Mr. Bunce's tale, 
 we were all startled by a loud and discordant 
 whang! whang I clikety clang! which seemed 
 to proceed from the porch of our building. 
 
CHAPTEE XXX. 
 
 AT THE END OF HIS ROPE. 
 
 WE were upon our feet in a moment, but before 
 any one had time to speak again, on the porch, 
 and nearer to our door resounded 
 
 Whang ! "Whang ! Clickity clang ! 
 
 " House afire, by mighty 1" exclaimed Uncle 
 Billy. 
 
 Another peal of the bell, and a loud rap at the 
 door, caused all hands to cry out, 
 
 " Come in." 
 
 The door opened, admitting a very faint kind of 
 day-light that seemed to have had all its bril- 
 liance and color washed out by the heavy rain 
 and the mop head of Eushey. 
 
 " Breffus am ready, genelum," said that person, 
 " an' mistis say 'fu ain't right smart de hot flour 
 bread '11 be done gone." 
 
 "Sam," exclaimed Uncle Billy shaking his 
 fist at Bunce " this is your work ; up all night, 
 
 a harkin' to your consarned yarns." 
 308 
 
END OF THE ROPE. 309 
 
 "Ohpsho," said Bunce, "111 finish, and then 
 we'll go to breakfast. ' I smell pauderj sed the 
 old woman " 
 
 " No you don't, Sam", I exclaimed. " I think 
 the gentlemen will all agree with me, that you 
 have at last arrived at the end of your rope." 
 
 THE END. 
 

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