LIOHffL GDGHR SKLT VERSES TO ORDER. VERSES TO ORDER. BY A. G. iHctjjuen & Co. 18, BUKY STREET, LONDON, W.C. 1892. [All rights reserved] oan Most of the verses in this volume have appeared in the Oxford Magazine. PRAEFATIO. NE propera, Lector, Musam damnare localein, carmina quod medio non canat apta foro : namque Academiae non sunt generalia curae, res nobis nostrae nostraque verba placent : EDITOR exagitat vates cessare volentes, inserit et chartis nonnisi nota suis. est proprium vitium si quid peccavimus arte :- rem male si quando legimus, est populi. CONTENTS. PAGE A LAMENT 9 CARMEN GUALTERI MAP EX AUL. NOV. HOSP. 11 FKUHLINGSLIED 13 OUT OF WORK 14 A SONG OP DEGREES 16 TO OUR CRITIC 19 WHAT IS IT? 21 TRUTH AT LAST 23 A HANDBOOK TO HOMER 25 AD GERMANOS 27 CANTICUM BRUMALE 29 DISENCHANTED 30 SPRING 32 P. VERGILI MARONIS FRAGMENTUM NUPKR REPERTUM ... 34 LINES SUGGESTED BY A STONE-SAW 36 LINES ON A MYSTERIOUS OCCURRENCE 38 A SONG OF THE SCHOOLS 40 Vlll CONTENTS. PAGE MISERERE SVFFRAGATORIS 42 DOCTRINAE 8EDE8 ... 44 FOOTBALL AND ROWING I AN ECLOGUE 46 HEPHAESTUS IN OXFORD ... 48 NUNQUAM DIREXIT BRACHIA CONTRA 49 LOVE AND GOLF 51 PROCTORS IN PROCESSION 53 ODE TO THE TEMPORARY BRIDGE AT OSNET 55 CAVENDISH: AN ODE 56 A MEDITATION ON METRE 59 A REJECTED NEWDIGATE 61 ALARIC : A PRIZE POEM 64 THE NEW DOCTORS 66 OIH HEP (fcYAAftN 68 VEESES TO OKDEB. A LAMENT. OXFORD ! o'er your history's pages Gloomy is the retrospect ; For in spite of warning sages Still your faults you can't correct. Here for instance Thorold Rogers Tells you (and I fear it's true) How Professors (artful dodgers) Cut their work, yet draw their "screw How the Reader conscientious, Solitary as a nun, Reads, alas ! to empty benches, Or, at most, a class of one : 10 A LAMENT. How insulted Alma Mater's Eye with sorrow still remarks Twins in neat perambulators Circumambulate the Parks. But the House of Convocation Evils worse than these deface it : There each liberal aspiration Sinks beneath a cold Non Placet : There, Historians' claims defying, Law's appeal you still resist, Even now but half complying With th' "Unlettered Physicist." Still a brace of arrant Tories You on Parliament bestow : Where O Tempora, Mores ! As we read in Cicero Magistri et Doctores, Where do you expect to go ? 11 CARMEN GUALTEEI MAP EX AUL. NOV. HOSP. OTIOSUS homo sum : cano laudes oti : Qui laborem cupiunt procul sint remoti : Ipse sum adversus huic ration! toti : Pariter insaniunt ac si essent poti. Diligens arundinis lucidique solis, Aciem quod ingeni acuis et polis, Salve dium Otium, inimicum scholis Atque rebus omnibus quae sunt magnae molis ! Nota discunt alii remigandi iura, Qua premendus arte sit venter inter crura : Haec est vitae ratio longe nimis dura : Nulla nobis cutis est deterendae cura. Habitu levissimo magna pars induto Pellunt pilas pedibus, concidunt in luto : Hos, si potest fieri, stultiores puto Atque tantum similes animali bruto. Alius contrariis usus disciplinis Procul rivo vivit et Torpidorum vinis : Nullus unquam ponitur huic legendi finis : Vescitur radicibus Graecis et Latinis : 12 CARMEN GUALTERI MAP. Mihi cum ut subeam Moderationes Tutor suadet anxius " Frustra " inquam " mones Per me licet ignibus universas dones Aeschyli palmarias emendationes ! " Ego insanissimos reor insanorum Mane tempus esse qui dictitent laborum : Ofcium est optimum omnium bonorum : Ante diem medium non relinquo torum. Ergo iam donabimus hoc praeceptum gratis Vobis membris omnibus Universitatis, Dominis Doctoribus, Undergraduatis PROFESSOKES CVEA SIT OMNES vr FIATIS. 13 FE UHLINGSLIED. Now in the boughs the throstle sings, Abroad the lambkins skip : Now every morn a "Leaflet" brings And every eve a Whip : Their finny victims anglers seek In each pellucid pool : And Convocation once a week Invents a Final School. Whene'er I walk about the town Some specialist I view : They bid me vote for tongues unknown, For Readers strange and new : But ah ! debarred from arts like theirs By Fate's unjust decrees, I cannot prate of ancient Erse Or modern Japanese. The sun shines fair on Charsley's Hall, As Scott (I think) remarks : I hear the sound of bat and ball Proceeding from the Parks : My friend, although the views we share Materially agree, Voters, like birds, in springtime pair : Then pair, pair with me ! 14 OUT OF WORK. HE said, and shed some natural tears, A College Tutor old and gray, " 'Twas ever thus ! from childhood's years I still have known the Council's way. I never loved an Honour School, Or conned its course with studious glee, But Convocation's changeful rule Decreed that School must cease to be 1 Farewell to all I counted dear, My Latin Prose, my Virgil lectures, The audiences that thronged to hear My (often palmary) conjectures : Farewell, my famed Eemarks on Jelf, My celebrated Note on yovv; Go, moulder idly on the shelf, Demosthenes upon the Crown ! For this I've burnt the midnight oil In getting up the frequent tip, For this, with long nocturnal toil, I've served the Cause of Scholarship, That I my Furneaux and my Jebb Must change for History's doubtful dates, And teach, or starve, th' evasive neb- ulosities of Honour Greats. OUT OF WORK. 15 I'll seek some more congenial clime Where Prose and Verse the mind engage ; Philosophies of Space and Time Can ne'er console my vacant age ! " With lip of scorn he packed his " Mayor," His notebooks grasped with brow of choler : Then took the train for Cambridge where 'Tis said they still respect a Scholar. 16 A SONG OF DEGREES. THERE'S reality, then, In what rumours allege, And the Council again Are assaying the edge Of their ancient and dangerous weapon once more the Thin End of the Wedge. They've a scheme to propose (On the plan "Do ut des") Which will multiply those Who proceed to Degrees : You may get your M.A. from the Bursar, on sending the requisite fees ! We, who still have defied The Hebdomadal's nods, Who have fought and have died (So to speak) against odds, Who have grappled with Letto-Slavonic, and pulverised History Mods Thus to tout for M.A.'s Is a thing we detest : 'Twere a standing disgrace If we e'er acquiesced In a change that is simply and solely designed to replenish the Chest. A SONG OF DEGREES. 17 If Degrees don't come in As they used long ago, And it's found that the tin In the Cashbox is low, Let them sell the Museum to Keble abolish a Reader or so : Let them lurk in the Corn After Union debates : Let them prowl until morn By the Theatre's gates : Let them proctorise golfers from Cowley, and men coming up from the Eights. But your scout (as you see) If you simply go down And receive your Degree In the Highlands in Town Cannot wait at the Apodyterium, and be tipped for presenting your gown. Pause, Vice, for a while, And reflect, if you can, How the system must rile That respectable man, When he finds his legitimate profits reduced by your Radical plan. B 18 A SONG OF DEGREES. Do I sleep 1 Do I dream 1 No, I fear there's no doubt Of the truth of the scheme That the Council's about : < To enrich an effete institution they risk the receipts of the scout ! 19 TO OUR CRITIC. (1892.) GREAT Mr. Collins, reformer of Colleges ! Though we admit we have grievously erred, Hear our excuses, our pleas and apologies Do not, do not condemn us unheard ! True, we acknowledge our various deficiencies, Laggards delaying the march of the time; True that the tale of our crimes and omissions is Too long by far for recounting in rhyme : Still there are some you should really think better of, Some who may 'scape from your critical ban : Have you not read the remarkable letter of Nettlesh-p, Bywat-r, P-lham, M-can 1 ? If there are faults that you cannot abear in us, Stamping our lives with indelible shame, All is the fault of the Council's contrariness: They and not we are the persons to blame : They and not we who refuse the admission of Subjects unknown in our ancestors' days : They and not we who reject the petition of More than a hundred enlightened M.A.'s ! 20 TO OUR CRITIC (1892). Yes and suppose that the Council were willing to Open its mind to a subject that's new, Still 'tis the fact that we haven't a shilling to Spend on the studies suggested by you. Grant, that our authors from Morris to Malory Languish untaught on their several shelves : Grant, that for want of a Reader (with salary) Students are forced to read Keats for themselves Think of the claims of the Natural Sciences, All of them rolling their separate logs : Think of the millions we spend on appliances, Chemists and Botanists, rabbits and frogs ! Here an excuse for our absence of progress is, Here is a plea for the sloth you deplore Science's ravenous maw (like an ogress's) Takes what we give her and clamours for more. Hear our excuses, our pleas and apologies, Great Mr. Collins, dissatisfied man ! Fully the bard your indictment acknowledges Still we are doing the best that we can. 21 WHAT IS IT? "A new movement has been arranged, and will shortly take place." Statement in the " Oxford Magazine." SIR, O what do you mean, in last week's Magazine, with your highly alarming suggestion 1 ? Do speak plainly for once (I confess I'm a dunce), and reply to a pertinent question. Can it really be true there's a Movement in view 1 then give to your terrified reader Some idea, if you can, of its object and plan, and the name and address of its leader ! Why, I thought on the day when I sped to obey the Conservative summons to muster, And submissively wrote (as instructed) my vote for the excellent P t of W t r, That the vote which I gave was intended to save from the arts of a Radical faction We had weathered the storm, as I hoped, of Reform, and embarked on the stream of Reaction. But alas ! for once more we must hie to the door where Eloquence woos us to slumber, And the Leaflet and Whip will diurnally drip on the tables they used to encumber : We must listen again to those eminent men, whose speeches sonorous and splendid Were so often the cause of repealing the laws which those great rhetoricians defended. 22 WHAT IS IT? Are they at it anew, the beneficent crew who would break with traditions that warp us? Do the Somerville Dons wish to confiscate John's, or annex the endowments of Corpus 1 Or the Scientists want an additional grant, and have banded their ranks with Philology's, And they all do their best to extract from the Chest what the Chest has to wring from the Colleges : There's the Radical clique who are hostile to Greek, and for Latin would substitute German, "Who call fees an abuse, and who can't see the use of the 'Varsity afternoon sermon ; There's the person who looks with contempt on his books as of ignorance merely the causes, And who everywhere states that distinction in Greats is for knowledge of classical vases Do be serious, and say to a timid M.A. what this new and destructive device is (There are times when a jest is misplaced, at the best, and we stand on the Brink of a Crisis) : Just mention the foes whom I have to oppose, and the troops of Reform that are arming, But refrain, if you please, from suggestions like these, which are simply and solely alarming ! 23 TRUTH AT LAST. LITERARY compositions (thus I heard a Tutor say) Have, as mediums of instruction, altogether had their day : Be not like our rude forefathers, who their pupils' minds perplexed With their futile speculation on the meaning of the text. In their critical editions we completely fail to trace That contempt of ancient authors which is Learning's surest base ; Any lies of any writers Homer, Plutarch, Livy, Dem- osthenes or Aristotle all were good enough for tliem. Mere exactitude linguistic simply serves to hide the truth : Grammar's but a dull convention meant to vex the soul of youth : If you want to Make an Epoch, as a scholar ought to do, Try the methods advocated in the Classical Review. There they teach how quite misleading is Thucydides' narration Save perhaps when illustrated by a recent excavation, Prove Herodotus a liar show conclusively that one Square half-inch of ancient potsherd's worth the whole of Xenophon. 24 TRUTH AT LAST. If you should consult the classics (and at times I think you must, Just to show they're persons whom it's quite impossible to trust), Do not seek the verbal meaning and the literal sense to render : Read them (like the late Macaulay) " with your feet upon the fender." This be then your chief endeavour, not to construe, parse, or scan, Not to have the least conception what the aorist means with av But by study of the relics disinterred in various spots Pans Arcadian to distinguish clearly from Corinthian pots : Thus the purest stream of knowledge from the fountain- head you'll sip : Thus you'll do a genuine service to the cause of Scholar- ship : For by Fact and not by language now the ancient world we view Which was what our rude forefathers altogether failed to do. 25 A HANDBOOK TO HOMES. "We regretted much to see Professor * * * * lending the weight of his brilliant name to the statement that schoolboys ought not to read Homer, because it would corrupt their Greek." Note in the " Oxford Magazine." Poluphloisboisterous Homer of old Threw all his augments into the sea, Although lie, had often been courteously told That perfect imperfects begin with an e : But the Poet replied with a dignified air, " What Hie Digamma does any one care?" Yes it is true that that singular man (Whether he's Homer, or somebody else) Often puts KIV where he should have put dV, Seldom will construe and mostly misspells, And wholly ignores those grand old laws Which govern the Attic conditional clause. This is the author whom innocent boys Cram for Responsions and grind at for Mods, Possible Ithacas, mythical Troys, Scandalous stories of heroes and gods, Wholly deficient in morals and truth, That is the way that we educate Youth ! 26 A HANDBOOK TO HOMER. Even the great Alexandrian clique Never attempted to write him anew : Learning's reformer, Professor of Greek ! Erudite person ! they left it to you. Now shall we have 'twas a manifest need Something that serious scholars can read. Parents and guardians may surely expect Books where the student orthography learns, Language grammatical, spelling correct, Not the vagaries of Chaucer or Burns, Syntax and idioms adapted to those Stated distinctly in Sidgw-ck's Greek Prose : None of the puzzles that puzzle us now, Nothing to hinder disciple or don, All of his genitives enduring in ov, All of his atra$ \eydpiva gone Homer conforming to classical rule That is the Homer for College and School ! 27 AD GERMANOS. \ YE Germans, whose daring conjectures, Whose questionings darkly abstruse, Provide our Professors with lectures, Our Dons with original views, I strive to express what we owe you With wholly inadequate pen : Too late and too little we know you, Eemarkable men ! Had you lived but two thousand years sooner Poor Plato had ne'er been perplexed, No frequent and fatal lacuna Had marred a Thucydides' text : Nor Pindar had puzzled the guesser, And ne'er had the public misled, Had he asked a Teutonic Professor To write him instead. Though the facts that you foist on historians To the regions of fancy belong, And your dreams of the dates of the Dorians Are often demonstrably wrong, Though your best emendations be " putid " When viewed through a critical lens, Your axioms completely confuted By grammar and sense, 28 AD GERMANOS. Yet ! till the Pedagogues' Diet (Determined distinctly to speak) Prohibits with terrible fiat The teaching of Latin and Greek, Till then we will humbly respect your Contempt for the Probably True, And climb to the heights of Conjecture, Great Germans, with you ! 29 CANTICUM BEUMALE. OLIM patriarcha questus est diluvio e pleno, ' iam est satis, ohe ! ' cum cedente bruma veri campi fiunt lacus meri, nobis quoque licet queri. ambulare super prata liquescenti nive strata res est plane condemnata. hue et illuc lapso, nuto, nunquam gressu vado tuto, nunc in nive, nunc in luto. remex crudo pastus bove sedet segnis, invitove frustra temptat flumen love : namque rivum videt qualem nautae dicunt esse salem juxta polum Boreal em. sponte quaerit vir Tutores : legit contra suetos mores Literas Humaniores, namque quando cui nos demus verum opus non habemus, iure nugas exercemus ! 30 DISENCHANTED. THEY told ine of the August calm Of Oxford in the Long Vacation, How rarely plies th' infrequent tram 'Twixt Cowley and the Railway Station ; How Undergraduates are gone Or peaks to climb or moors to shoot on And none remains but here a Don And there a speculative Teuton : How in the Parks you seldom see The terminal perambulator ; How tradesmen close at half-past three, And silence broods o'er Alma Mater. Ah me ! 'twas all a baseless dream ; One thing they quite forgot to mention The recently developed scheme Of University Extension. They told me Oxford in the Long A place of solitude and peace is : They told me so they told me wrong ; For every train imports a throng Of sisters, cousins, aunts, and nieces, Who crowd the streets, who storm the Schools, With love of Lectures still unsated ; They're subject to no kind of rules, And can't be proctorised or gated. DISENCHANTED. SI 'Neath auspices majestical, Their guide some Principal or Warden, From morn to eve they throng the Hall, And all day long they " do " the Garden. Upon one's own peculiar haunts They rudely pry O times, manners ! They strum the Pirates of Penzance On Undergraduates' planners. The Bursar entertains about A score of feminine relations, Whilst I invoke my absent scout, And hope in vain my humble rations. If this be Oxford in the Vac., When all her sons afar are scattered, If this be peace, then give me back The Torpid wine, the tea-tray battered ! 32 SPRING. Now the feathery tribes Sing their annual lay, (As the poet describes) On the usual " spray," And the easterly zephyrs we're used to proclaim the dominion of May. All the music of spring It is with us anew ! The thrushes that sing And the ring-doves that coo And the boys who endeavour to sell us the Star and the Oxford Review. Now the meadows among, Whither golfers resort, Where the grass is as long As their tempers are short, The language they use to their caddies is such as I cannot report. Now the man on the bank With assurance dilates On the style that is " rank " And the varying weights Of the persons condemned by misfortune to row in their several Eights. SPRING. 33 And Lectures we vote To be hollow and vain, And the Don has a note From the Man to explain That the whole of his female relations come up by the twelve o'clock train : But the coming of Greats Casts a sensible chill On the wretch who collates His "Republic" and "Mill"; And he dreams of the TO ri l\v tlva.1, and wakes to discourse of the Will- P. VERGILI MARONIS FRAGMENTUM NUPER REPERTUM. VENIT hiems ; multosque etiarn venientia testes Dant Parvisa sui. Qui vix semel hebdomadal! Tempore Tutoris quaerebat limina, nunc it Terque quaterque die, poscitque et ab hoste doceri, Mendosas prosas ululatorumque feraces Ille quidem referens. Adeo nova vertitur illi Pagina; non repetit curandis (scilicet) urbem Dentibus infelix ; Nonas celebrare Novembres Jam timet et miseris supponere civibus ignem. Invigilat noctu libris ; turn rite togatus Templum mane petit (faciem stupet inscius ante Janitor); ut, durum quamvis patiatur aratrum, Termine, te saltern servet, placeatque Decano. Mox hunc scribentem Schola Magna Australis habebit, Adjectiva, nefas ! (res est nee digna magistros Fallere nee facilis) latebris suffixa galeri Cum substantivis lateant si forte legentem. (Incassum namque omnibus est academica vestis Proprocurator complerier agmine denso Strata videt ; maestusque Via palatur in Alta, Multa gemens, cistamque nequit ditare sequendo). Accipe nunc artes. Memini, qui saepe negatum Saepe tamen rursus petiit Testamur ; at ilium Ad fluvium comites percussaque robore tergi VERGILI MARONIS FRAGMENTUM NUPER REPERTUM. 35 Torpidi ad alterius cogebat transtra juventus ; Sed puer Eucliden nee non Pronomina Graeca Adfixit lintri, medioque legebat in amne, Oppositum observans humerum librumque vicissim. Sic multas hieines et sic vicesima vidit Parvisa, Edmundi vivens contentus in Aula. Sunt qui praetereant ; est, qui patietur aratrum. Sed vos, O juvenes, quos praeteriisse vetabit Ferreus et viva damnarit voce magister Hospitium si dura negant Collegia, si vos Excipit e Christi depulsos Corpore Turrell Ne tamen in medio mergat furor aegra fluento Corpora, neu famulis sectas obtendite fauces ; Spes maneat ! veniet lustris labentibus annus, Cum vos Graecorum per mille pericla chororum Perque mathematicos ducet Fortuna papyros ; Tune aliquis comitum, longis venerabilis annis, Ibit, et aequaevi referet Testamur amici. 5. Ululatorum. Quid est ululator ? Vereor, ut explicari possit. SERV. Fuit quidam Roniae C. Licinius Ululator, qui semper accusatives cum nominativis, genitivos autem cum dativis congruentes scribebat. Hoc modo igitur scribere, est ulula- tores facere. SCHOL. Haec est ridicula interpretatio. HEYNE. 25. Torpidi Alterius, hoc est, secundi. De Torpido autem ita scriptum inveni apud Senecam (De Corruptione Morum). Torpida nunc vocitant mutato nomine Toggers; Proque Rudimentia dicunt (0 Tempora !) Rudders 36 LINES SUGGESTED BY A STONE-SAW. " THE silent groves of Academe "- In ages which our fathers knew, When trams were yet an airy dream, Perhaps the epithet was true : Ere members of St. John's and New Had heard the peacock's doleful scream, The phrase was applicable to The ancient groves of Academe. Now, when Salvation's rank and file Emerge from out their native slum, Their retrogressive chief the while Performing on his sacred drum, When men who've passed their latest school, Or traction engines worked by steam, Disturb the rest that still should rule The silent groves of Academe, When little boys who sell the " Star," And saws that split the strident stone, Combine his spirit's peace to mar Who cons his unattractive Bohn, The student in his cloistered shade Pursues in vain some lofty theme, When sights and sounds like these invade The silent groves of Academe. LINES SUGGESTED BY A STONE-SAW. 37 Still must I hear, at half -past five,. The hooter's hoot that greets the morn ; Still, as the shades of night arrive, The Torpid-man's exultant horn : For every various form of din From Carfax Church to Cherwell's stream Is heard continually in The silent groves of Academe. 38 LINES ON A MYSTERIOUS OCCURRENCE. I WISH I knew geography for that would tell me why 'Twixt New South Wales and Paddington you needs must pass the High ! Of course I know the fact is so : 'tis singular, but then Veracity is still the mark of literary men. All in the High a Yankee man I happened for to find: He'd come from the Antipodes, and left his purse behind : And here by his embarrassments compelled be was to stay ('Twixt New South Wales and London town 'tis all upon the way.) His simple tale affected me : 'twas more than I could bear : I brought him to my humble cot and entertained him there. And "Books!" he cried, while gazing on my well-assorted shelf, "I've written some immortal works anonymous myself! " Full well I know the authors of those venerable tomes Yes, there's Nathaniel Hawthorne, and there is Wendell Holmes ! My literary relatives I number by the score : Mark Twain 's my cousin twice removed, by far Missouri's shore." LINES ON A MYSTERIOUS OCCURRENCE. 39 He spoke of many famous men, and all by Christian names Yes, Howells he called William D., and Russell Lowell, James : His kinsmen and acquaintances were all in Culture's van; I do not think I ever met a more related man. " But what's the use of all that crowd," the Transatlantic said, " When I am bound to catch the cars, and ain't got nary red? Stranger, I guess with Caius C. Maecenas you'll be known If you will just oblige me with a temporary loan." I can't resist celebrity I lent him shillings ten, That impecunious relative of literary men : And when he comes to pay it back, no doubt he'll tell me why From New South Wales to Paddington the shortest way's the High. 40 A SONG OF THE SCHOOLS. WHENE'ER I see those sculptured Three, above the Ne\v Schools' gate, Whose stony forms a heart of stone too aptly indicate, It minds me, as I gaze upon those cold, unfeeling men, How often I've been ploughed before, and oft shall be again ; And ! that Undergraduate, receiving his degree They give that Undergraduate what ne'er they'll give to me ! Before my locks were streaked with gray, and seamed with care my brow, I got through Mods, in seven tries I often wonder how But Greats, alas ! I cannot pass ; for were my mind a sieve, I Could just about as well retain the narrative of Livy. They tell me where Saguntum was : I hear, but I forget I can't distinguish Harnilcar from Hasdrubal as yet ! They say my Aristotle's " weak," and always mark "KS." on My papers when I try to prove that virtue is a picrov : And when I bring the Clerk a bob, he simply says in answer, " What ! give you a testamur, Sir ! I much regret I can't, Sir." A SONG OF THE SCHOOLS. 41 Full proudly struts the Honourman, with look serene and high ; Yet 0! although his task is hard, he's better off than I! He's specialised on all that's known, and also much that's not : He knows far more than Liddell, and quite as much as Scott: He uses philosophic terms so long 'tis hard to spell 'em, Has all M-c-n's most recent tips, and theories from P-lh-m ; But can the boastful Honourman can P-lh-m or M-c-n know The various individuals who bore the name of Hanno? No much more difficult his task, superior far his art, Who buys a crib at second-hand, and learns that crib by heart ! Still, ere I quite give up the game, and migrate hence to Durham (For if examiners have hearts, some pity sure must stir 'em) I'll try another *bout with Fate one last and desperate venture This time, perhaps, will victory crown my limp dejected trencher : Then, proud as any ancient Greek who won the Isthmian parsley, I'll sign myself R. SNOOKS, B.A., ex Aul. Magistri Charsley. 42 MISERERE SVFFRAGATORIS. (1885.) INCIPIT DIALOGVS MAGISTRI ARTIVM ATQVE VNDERGRADVATI QVORVM HIC PRIOR ITA LOQUITVR : NUNC Parvisa canamus : amant Parvisa Camenae. ille ego, qui triplici signatam nomine chartam iamdudum repeto nee me labor ille iuvabat en, ego praeterii : nil mi gravis ante nocebat algebra, grammaticoque carent errore papyri, nee scripsisse satis : Vice Cancellarius ipse baud facilem esse viam voluit, vivaque rogari voce iubet pueros. Yidi, qui nota rogati obstipuere tamen, meliusve tacenda loquuntur. ipse nihil timui quid enim rationis egerem, sede sedens solita 1 ? nee non cum laude recessi. TVM ILLE RESPONDEBIT ET DICET : Ergo ne pete plura : sit hie tibi finis honorum : crede mihi, satis est unum Testamur habere. fortunate puer, tua si modo commoda noris, quod tibi iudicium suffragia rursus ademit iam data : quod curvo terret Moderator aratro, nee cepisse gradum, necdum licet esse magistro. te non ulla movet facundia municipalis trinave cum propria promittens iugera vacca ambitus exercet : te non ciet Hebdomadale MISERERE SVFFRAGATORIS (1885). 43 concilium, duplicique vocat revocatque flagello, res quaecunque agitur : qua sint ratione legendi Procuratores : an sit scribenda Latine prosa mathematicos puero qui quaerit honores : nee tua Palgravius nee Sacri Carminis auctor quarto quoque die poscit suffragia Dixon. EXPLICIT DIALOGVS. 44 DOCTEINAE SEDES. WHEN Pleasure rules in Learning's realm With Heads of Houses to escort her, And Youth directs an errant helm In " Shorbs " that every year grow shorter When Scholars ' have their People up," (A plea that everything excuses) And quaff the gay convivial cup Where once they wooed the classic Muses : When men who used to come at nine Are " indisposed " (a known condition), And Brown has several aunts to dine, And cannot do his composition : When Tomkins once a studious lad " Desires most humbly to express a Sincere regret he has not had Time to complete his weekly essay " ; When Lecturers have lost their use, Because the youth they idly prate to Has other things whereon to muse Than mere Thucydides or Plato (You think, perhaps, he's taking notes 1 Mistaken dream ! too well I know he Is speculating on the boats, Or thinking of a rhyme to Chloe) : DOCTEIXAE SEDES. 45 Then seek with me some calmer scene, Where wines are hushed, where banjoes mute are; There careless though they burn the Dean And immolat"e the Senior Tutor We'll muse in solitude, until June and the Long once more disbands 'em; Then, William, pay my washing bill, And call at once my usual hansom. 46 FOOTBALL AND BOWING AN ECLOGUE. MELIBOEUS. COKYDON. Mel. Nay, tempt me not, my Cory don ; I tell you once again That football is a game beneath the dignity of men. Time was, I chased the bounding ball athwart the meadows green Before I read what critics said, within the Magazine. Degrading sport ! at which, indeed, I used to shine at school; Alas ! I knew no better then, and was, in fact, a fool ; Of all the spectacles on earth, I know no sight that's sadder Than thirty men pursuing of a mere inflated bladder. Were I to play at games like this, when nearly in my twenties, 'Twould argue me behind my age, and parum compos mentis. 'Tis " semi-gladiatorial " too a thing which I abhor At least that's what the papers say, and likewise Dr. Warre And so I've donned my boating-coat, and down to row I'm going, For oarsmen swear (they often do) there's no such sport as rowing. FOOTBALL AND ROWING AN ECLOGUE. 47 Coryd. Ah, hapless youth ! Why, don't you know what countless ills await The man who strives to figure in a Torpid or an Eight 1 Learn, then, that such (you'll find it all in last week's Magazine) Of individuality have less than a machine ; "Two" looks at stroke, and bow at "Three," and imitates him stiffly, And once embarked, you can't get out between the Barge and Iffley. The chops and steaks on which you dine are (like your person) raw ; You can't devote your mind to Greats, or History, or Law For when they're rowing in an Eight, I'm told that gentlemen Are comatose at half-past eight, and sent to bed at ten! Mel. Alas ! 'Tis clear, such sports as these can ne'er have been designed To satisfy a person of a cultivated mind. Since both alike a mark present for journalistic sneers, Rowing and football I'll forswear, and join the Volunteers ! 48 HEPHAESTUS IN OXFORD. 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