UC-NRLF 
 
 B M 1D3 ^^^ 
 
iUi JMOH 
 
THE SUICIDE'S GRAVE 
 
 BY 
 
 JAMES HOGG 
 
y antes Hogg 
 
 THE SUICIDE^S GRAVE 
 BEING THE PRIVATE 
 \lEMOIRS & CONFESSIONS 
 DP A JUSTIFIED SINNER 
 WRITTEN BY HIMSELF 
 
 WITH A DETAIL OF CURIOUS 
 
 TRADITIONARY FACTS 
 
 & OTHER EVIDENCE 
 
 BY THE EDITOR 
 
 LONDON MDCCCXCV 
 
 J. SHIELLS & CO. 
 
^9' 
 
y 
 
 PUBLISHERS' NOTE 
 
 The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified 
 Sinner, originally published anonymously in 1824, was 
 in 1828 either reprinted, or more probably reissued 
 with a cancel title page, as The Suicide's Grave, this 
 time bearing the author's name. It has also been re- 
 printed in the collected editions of Hogg's works, as The 
 Confessions of a Fanatic, but in more than one of 
 these in a very imperfect form. The text here followed 
 is that of the original edition. Mr Andrew Lang and 
 some others incline to the opinion that the book was not 
 wholly written by Hogg, but that J. G. Lockhart had 
 some part in its production ; for this opinion, however, 
 there is no documentary support. 
 
 
THE EDITOR'S NARR.\TIVE 
 
 It appears from tradition, as well as some parish 
 registers still extant, that the lands of Dalcastle (or 
 Dalchastel, as it is often spelled) were possessed by a 
 family of the name of Colwan, about one hundred and 
 fifty years ago, and for at least a century previous to 
 that period. That family was supposed to have been 
 a branch of the ancient family of Colquhoun, and it 
 is certain that from it spring the Cowans that spread 
 towards the Border. I find, that in the year 1687, 
 George Colwan succeeded his uncle of the same name, 
 in the lands of Dalchastel and Balgrennan ; and this 
 being all I can gather of the famity from histor}^, to tra- 
 dition I must appeal for the remainder of the motley 
 adventures of that house. But of the matter furnished 
 by the latter of these powerful monitors I have no 
 reason to complain : it has been handed down to the 
 world in unlimited abundance; and I am certain, that in 
 recording the hideous events which follow, I am only 
 relating to the greater part of the inhabitants of at 
 least four counties of Scotland, matters of which they 
 were before perfectly well informed. 
 
 This George was a rich man, or supposed to be so, 
 
 A 
 
2 •''.':: '']^',W\' I' ' T^^^ Private Memoirs 
 
 and was married when considerably advanced in life to 
 the sole heiress and reputed daughter of a Bailie Orde, 
 of Glasgow. This proved a conjunction anything but 
 agreeable to the parties contracting. It is well known 
 that the Reformation principles had long before that 
 time taken a powerful hold of the hearts and affections 
 of the people of Scotland, although the feeling was by 
 no means general, or in equal degrees; and it so 
 happened that this married couple felt completely at 
 variance on the subject. Granting it to have been so, 
 one would have thought that the laird, owing to his 
 retired situation, would have been the one that inclined 
 to the stern doctrines of the reformers ; and that the 
 young and gay dame from the city would have adhered 
 to the free principles cherished by the court party, and 
 indulged in rather to extremity, in opposition to their 
 severe and carping contemporaries. 
 
 The contrary, however, happened to be the case. The 
 laird was what his country neighbours called 'a droll, 
 careless chap,' with a very limited proportion of the fear 
 of God in his heart, and very nearly as little of the fear 
 of man. The laird had not intentionally wronged or 
 offended either of the parties, and perceived not the 
 necessity of deprecating their vengeance. He had 
 hitherto believed that he was living in most cordial terms 
 with the greater part of the inhabitants of the earth, and 
 with the powers above in particular ; but woe be unto 
 him if he was not soon convinced of the fallacy of such 
 damning security ! for his lady was the most severe and 
 gloomy of all bigots to the principles of the Reformation. 
 Hers were not the tenets of the great reformers, but 
 theirs mightily overstrained and deformed. Theirs was 
 an unguent hard to be swallowed ; but hers was that 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 3 
 
 unguent embittered and overheated until nature could 
 not longer bear it. She had imbibed her ideas from the 
 doctrines of one flaming predestinarian divine alone, 
 and these were so rigid, that they became a stumbling 
 block to many of his brethren, and a mighty handle for 
 the enemies of his party to turn the machine of the state 
 against them. 
 
 The wedding festivities at Dalcastle partook of all the 
 gaiety, not of that stern age, but of one previous to it. 
 There was feasting, dancing, piping, and singing ; the 
 liquors were handed around in great fulness, the ale in 
 large wooden bickers, and the brandy in capacious horns 
 of oxen. The laird gave full scope to his homely glee. 
 He danced — he snapped his fingers to the music — clapped 
 his hands and shouted at the turn of the tune. He saluted 
 every girl in the hall whose appearance was anything 
 tolerable, and requested of their sweethearts to take the 
 same freedom with his bride, by way of retaliation. But 
 there she sat at the head of the hall, in still and blooming 
 beauty, absolutely refusing to tread a single measure with 
 any gentleman there. The only enjoyment in which she 
 appeared to partake, was in now and then stealing a word 
 of sweet conversation with her favourite pastor about 
 divine things; for he had accompanied her home, after 
 ma.Trying her to her husband, to see her fairly settled in 
 her new dwelling. He addressed her several times by her 
 new name, Mrs Colwan, but she turned away her head 
 disgusted, and looked with pity and contempt towards 
 the old inadvertent sinner, capering away in the height 
 of his unregenerated mirth. The minister perceived the 
 workings of her pious m.ind, and thenceforward addressed 
 her by the courteous title of Lady Dalcastle, which 
 sounded somewhat better, as not coupling her name with 
 
4 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 one of the wicked; and there is too great reason to 
 believe, that for all the solemn vows she had come under, 
 and these were of no ordinary binding, particularly on 
 the laird's part, she at that time despised if not abhorred 
 him, in her heart. 
 
 The good parson again blessed her, and went away. 
 She took leave of him with tears in her eyes, entreating 
 him often to visit her in that heathen land of the Amorite, 
 the Hittite, and the Girgashite ; to which he assented on 
 many solemn and qualifying conditions — and the comely 
 bride retired to her chamber to pray. 
 
 It was customary in those days for the bride's-man and 
 maiden, and a few select friends, to visit the new-married 
 couple after they had retired to rest, and drink a cup to 
 their healths, their happiness, and a numerous posterity. 
 But the laird delighted not in this : he wished to have 
 his jewel to himself, and slipping away quietly from his 
 jovial party, he retired to his chamber to his beloved, 
 and bolted the door. He found her engaged with the 
 writings of the Evangelists, and terribly demure. The 
 laird went up to caress her, but she turned away her head, 
 and spoke of the follies of aged men, and something of 
 the broad way that leadeth to destruction. The laird did 
 not thoroughly comprehend this allusion; but being con- 
 siderably flustered by drinking, and disposed to take all 
 in good part, he only remarked, as he took off his shoes 
 and stockings, ' That whether the way was broad or narrow, 
 it was time they were in their bed.' 
 
 ' Sure, Mr Colwan, you won't go to bed to-night, at 
 such an important period of your life, without first saying 
 prayers for yourself and me.' 
 
 When she said this, the laird had his head down almost 
 toithe ground, loosing his shoe-buckle; but when he heard 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 5 
 
 oi prayers on such a night, he raised his face suddenly up, 
 which was all over as flushed and red as a rose, and 
 answered — 
 
 * Prayers, mistress ! Lord help your crazed head, is 
 this a night for prayers ! ' 
 
 He had better have held his peace. There was such a 
 torrent of profound divinity poured out upon him, that 
 the laird became ashamed, both of himself and his new- 
 made spouse, and wist not what to say, but the brandy 
 helped him out. 
 
 ' It strikes me, my dear, that religious devotion would 
 be somewhat out of place to-night,' said he. 'Allowing 
 that it is ever so beautiful, and ever so beneficial, were we 
 to ride on the rigging of it at all times, would we not be 
 constantly making a farce of it; it would be like reading 
 the Bible and the jest-book, verse about, and would 
 render the life of man a medley of absurdity and confusion.' 
 
 But against the cant of the bigot or the hypocrite, no 
 reasoning can aught avail. If you would argue until the 
 end of life, the infallible creature must alone be right. 
 So it proved with the laird. One scripture text followed 
 another, not in the least connected, and one sentence of 
 the profound Mr Wringhim's sermons after another, 
 proving the duty of family worship, till the laird lost 
 patience, and tossing himself into bed, said carelessly, 
 that he would leave that duty upon her shoulders for one 
 night. 
 
 The meek mind of Lady Dalcastle was somewhat dis- 
 arranged by this sudden evolution. She felt that she was 
 left rather in an awkward situation. However, to show 
 her unconscionable spouse that she was resolved to hold 
 fast her integrity, she kneeled down and prayed in terms 
 so potent, that she deemed she was sure of making an 
 
6 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 impression on him. She did so, for in a short time the 
 laird began to utter a response so fervent, that she was 
 utterly astounded, and fairly driven from the chain of 
 her orisons. He began, in truth, to sound a nasal bugle 
 of no ordinary calibre — the notes being little inferior to 
 those of a military trumpet. The lady tried to proceed, 
 but every returning note from the bed burst on her ear 
 with a louder twang and a longer peal, till the concord 
 of sweet sounds became so truly pathetic, that the meek 
 spirit of the dame was quite overcome ; and after shedding 
 a flood of tears, she arose from her knees, and retired to 
 the chimney-corner with her Bible in her lap, there to 
 spend the hours in holy meditation till such time as the 
 inebriated trumpeter should awaken to a sense of 
 propriety. 
 
 The laird did not awake in any reasonable time, for 
 he, being overcome with fatigue and wassail, his sleep 
 became sounder, and his Morphean measures more 
 intense. These varied a little in their structure ; but 
 the general run of the bars sounded something in this 
 way — ' Hic-hoc wheew ! ' It was most profoundly ludi- 
 crous ; and could not have missed exciting risibility in 
 anyone, save a pious, a disappointed, and humbled bride. 
 
 The good dame wept bitterly. She could not for her 
 life go and awaken the monster, and request him to make 
 room for her, but she retired somewhere, for the laird, 
 on awaking next morning, found that he was still lying 
 alone. His sleep had been of the deepest and most 
 genuine sort ; and all the time that it lasted, he had 
 never once thought of either wives, children, or sweet- 
 hearts, save in the way of dreaming about them ; but as 
 his spirit began again by slow degrees to verge towards 
 the boundaries of reason, it became lighter and more 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 7 
 
 buoyant from the effects of deep repose, and his dreams 
 partook of that buoyancy, yea, to a degree hardly expres- 
 sible. He dreamed of the reel, the jig, the strathspey, 
 and the corant ; and the elasticity of his frame was such, 
 that he was bounding over the heads of the maidens, and 
 making his feet skimmer against the ceiling, enjoying 
 the while the most extatic emotions. These grew too 
 fervent for the shackles of the drowsy god to restrain. 
 The nasal bugle ceased its prolonged sounds in one 
 moment, and a sort of hectic laugh took its place. 
 * Keep it going — play up, you devils ! ' cried the laird, 
 without changing his position on the pillow. But this 
 exertion to hold the fiddlers at their work, fairly awakened 
 the delighted dreamer, and though he could not refrain 
 from continuing his laugh, he at length, by tracing out a 
 regular chain of facts, came to be sensible of his real situa- 
 tion. ' Rabina, where are you ? What's become of you, 
 my dear ? ' cried the laird. But there was no voice, nor 
 any one that answered or regarded. He flung open the 
 curtains, thinking to find her still on her knees, as he 
 had seen her ; but she was not there, either sleeping or 
 waking. ' Rabina ! Mrs Colwan ! ' shouted he, as loud as 
 he could call, and then added in the same breath, * God 
 save the king — I have lost my wife ! ' 
 
 He sprung up and opened the casement ; the daylight 
 was beginning to streak the east, for it was spring, and 
 the nights were short, and the mornings very long. The 
 laird half-dressed himself in an instant, and strode 
 through every room in the house, opening the windows 
 as he went, and scrutinising every bed and every corner. 
 He came into the hall where the wedding festival had 
 been held, and as he opened the various window-boards, 
 loving couples flew off" like hares surprised too late in the 
 
8 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 morning among the early braird. ' Hoo-boo ! Fie, be 
 frightened ! ' cried the laird. ' Fie, rin like fools, as if ye 
 were caught in an ill turn ! ' His bride was not among 
 them, so he was obliged to betake himself to farther 
 search. ' She will be praying in some corner, poor 
 woman,' said he to himself. ' It is an unlucky thing this 
 praying. But for my part, I fear I have behaved very 
 ill, and I must endeavour to make amends.' 
 
 The laird continued his search, and at length found his 
 beloved in the same bed with her Glasgow cousin, who 
 had acted as bridesmaid. * You sly and malevolent imp,' 
 said the laird ; ' you have played me such a trick when I 
 was fast asleep ! I have not known a frolic so clever, 
 and, at the same time, so severe ! Come along, you 
 baggage you ! ' 
 
 ' Sir, I will let you know, that I detest your principles 
 and your person alike,' said she. 'It shall never be said, 
 sir, that my person was at the control of a heathenish 
 man of Belial — a dangler among the daughters of women, 
 — a promiscuous dancer — and a player at unlawful games. 
 Forego your rudeness, sir, I say, and depart away from 
 my presence and that of my kinswoman.' 
 
 ' Come along, I say, my charming Rab. If you were 
 the pink of all puritans, and the saint of all saints, you are 
 my wife, and must do as I command you.' 
 
 * Sir, I will sooner lay down my life than be subjected 
 to your godless will ; therefore I say, desist and begone 
 with you.' 
 
 But the laird regarded none of these testy sayings ; he 
 rolled her in a blanket, and bore her triumphantly away 
 to his chamber, taking care to keep a fold or two of the 
 blanket always rather near to her mouth, in case of any 
 outrageous forthcoming of noise. 
 
'onfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 9 
 
 The next day at breakfast the bride was long in 
 making her appearance. Her maid asked to see her, 
 but George did not choose that anybody should see her 
 but himself ; he paid her several visits, and always turned 
 the key as he came out. At length breakfast was 
 served ; and during the time of refreshment the laird 
 tried to break several jokes, but it was remarked, that 
 they wanted their accustomed brillianc}', and that his 
 nose was particularly red at the top. 
 
 Matters, without all doubt, had been very bad between 
 the new-married couple ; for in the course of the day the 
 lady deserted her quarters, and returned to her father's 
 house in Glasgow, after having been a night on the 
 road ; stage-coaches and steam-boats having then no 
 existence in that quarter. Though Bailie Orde had 
 acquiesced in his wife's asseveration regarding the likeness 
 of their only daughter to her father, he never loved or 
 admired her greatly, therefore this behaviour nothing 
 astounded him. He questioned her strictly as to the 
 grievous offence committed against her, and could dis- 
 cover nothing that warranted a procedure so fraught with 
 disagreeable consequences. So after mature deliberation 
 the bailie addressed her as follows : — 
 
 * Ay, Ay, Raby ! An' sae I find that Dalcastle has 
 actually refused to say prayers with you when you ordered 
 him ; an' has guidit you in a rude indelicate manner, 
 outstepping the respect due to my daughter — as my 
 daughter. But wi' regard to what is due to his own 
 wife, of that he's a better judge nor me. However, 
 since he has behaved in that manner to viy daughter^ I 
 shall be revenged on him for aince, for I shall return 
 the obligation to ane nearer to him, that is, I shall take 
 pennyworths of his wife — an' let him lick at that.' 
 
lo The Private Memoirs and' 
 
 * What do you mean, sir ? ' said the astonished damsel. 
 
 ' I mean to be revenged on that villain Dalcastle,' said 
 he, ' for what he has done to my daughter. Come hither, 
 Mrs Colwan, you shall pay for this.' 
 
 So saying, the bailie began to inflict corporeal punish- 
 ment on the runaway wife. His strokes were not indeed 
 very deadly, but he made a mighty flourish in the inflic- 
 tion, pretending to be in a great rage only at the Laird 
 of Dalcastle. ' Villain that he is ! ' exclaimed he, ' I shall 
 teach him to behave in such a manner to a child of mine, 
 be she as she may ; since I cannot get at himself, I shall 
 lounder her that is nearest to him in life. Take you 
 that, and that, Mrs Colwan, for your husband's imper- 
 tinence ! ' 
 
 The poor afflicted woman wept and prayed, but the 
 bailie would not abate aught of his severity. After 
 fuming, and beating her with many stripes, far drawn, 
 and lightly laid down, he took her up to her chamber, 
 live stories high, locked her in, and there he fed her on 
 bread and water, all to be revenged on the presumptuous 
 laird of Dalcastle ; but ever and anon, as the bailie came 
 down the stair from carrying his daughter's meal, he 
 said to himself, 'I shall make the sight of the laird 
 the blithest she ever saw in her life.' 
 
 Lady Dalcastle got plenty of time to read, and pray, 
 and meditate ; but she was at a great loss for one to 
 dispute with about religious tenets ; for she found, that 
 without this advantage, about which there was a perfect 
 rage at that time, her reading, and learning of Scripture 
 texts, and sentences of intricate doctrine, availed her ^ 
 nought ; so she was often driven to sii: at her casement, 
 and look out for the approach of the heathenish Laird of 
 Dalcastle. 
 
onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 1 1 
 
 That hero, after a considerable lapse of time, at length 
 made his appearance. Matters were not hard to adju&t ; 
 for his lady found that there was no refuge for her in her 
 father's house ; and so, after some sighs and tears, she 
 accompanied her husband home. For all that had 
 passed, things went on no better. She would convert 
 the laird in spite of his teeth ; the laird would not be 
 converted. She would have the laird to say family 
 prayers, both morning and evening : the laird would 
 neither pray morning nor evening. He would not even 
 sing psalms, and kneel beside her while she performed 
 the exercise ; neither would he converse at all times 
 and in all places, about the sacred mysteries of religion, 
 although his lady took occasion to contradict flatly 
 every assertion that he made, in order that she might 
 spiritualise him by drawing him into argument. 
 
 The laird kept his temper a long while, but at length 
 his patience wore out ; he cut her short in all her futile 
 attempts at spiritualisation, and mocked at her wire- 
 drawn degrees of faith, hope, and repentance. He also 
 dared to doubt of the great stsfndard doctrine of absolute 
 predestination, which put the crown on the lady's 
 Christian resentment. She declared her helpmate to be 
 a limb of Antichrist, and one with whom no regenerated 
 person could associate. She therefore bespoke a separate 
 establishment, and before the expiry of the first six 
 months the arrangements of the separation were 
 amicably adjusted. The upper, or third story of the old 
 mansion-house, was awarded to the lady for her resi- 
 dence. She had a separate door, a separate stair, a 
 separate garden, and walks that in no instance inter- 
 sected the laird's ; so that one would have thought the 
 separation complete. They had each their own parties. 
 
12 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 selected from their own sort of people ; and though the 
 laird never once chafed himself about the lady's com- 
 panions, it was not long before she began to intermeddle 
 about some of his. 
 
 'Who is that fat bouncing dame that visits the laird 
 so often, and always by herself? ' said she to her maid 
 Martha, one day. 
 
 ' Oh dear, mem, how can I ken ? We're banished frae 
 our acquaintances here, as weel as frae the sweet gospel 
 ordinances.' 
 
 * Find me out who that jolly dame is, Martha. You, 
 who hold communion with the household of this ungodly 
 man, can be at no loss to attain this information. I 
 observe that she always casts her eye up toward our 
 windows, both im coming and going ; and I suspect that 
 she seldom departs from the house empty-handed.' 
 
 That same evening Martha came with the information, 
 that this august visitor was a Miss Logan, an old and 
 intimate acquaintance of the laird's, and a very worthy 
 respectable lady, of good connections, whose parents had 
 lost their patrimony in the civil wars. 
 
 * Ha ! very well ! ' said the lady ; * very well, Martha ! 
 But nevertheless go thou and watch this respectable 
 lady's motions and behaviour the next time she comes 
 to visit the laird — and the next after that. You will not, 
 I see, lack opportunities.' 
 
 Martha's information turned out of that nature, that 
 prayers were said in the uppermost story of Dalcastle 
 House against the Canaanitish woman every night and 
 every morning ; and great discontent prevailed there, 
 even to anathemas and tears. Letter after letter was 
 despatched to Glasgow ; and at length, to the lady's 
 great consolation, the Rev. Mr Wringhim arrived safely 
 
3nfessions of a Justified Sinner. 13 
 
 and devoutl}' in her elevated sanctuary. Marvellous was 
 the conversation between these gifted people. Wringhim 
 had held in his doctrines that there were eight different 
 kinds of Faith, all perfectly distinct in their operations 
 and effects. But the lady, in her secluded state, had 
 discovered other five — making thirteen in all ; the ad- 
 justment of the existence or fallacy of these five faiths 
 served for a most enlightened discussion of nearly seven- 
 teen hours, in the course of which the two got warm in 
 their arguments, always in proportion as they receded 
 from nature, utility, and common sense. Wringhim at 
 length got into unwonted fervour about some disputed 
 point between one of these faiths and Trust ; when the 
 lady, fearing that zeal was getting beyond its wonted 
 barrier, broke in on his vehement asseverations with the 
 following abrupt discomfiture : ' But, sir, as long as I 
 remember, what is to be done with this case of open and 
 avowed iniquity ? ' 
 
 The minister was struck dumb. He leaned him back 
 on his chair, stroked his beard, hemmed — considered, and 
 hemmed again, and then said in an altered and softened 
 tone : ' Wh}-, that is a secondary consideration ; you 
 mean the case between your husband and Miss Logan ? ' 
 
 * The same, sir. I am scandalised at such intimacies 
 going on under my nose. The sufferance of it is a 
 great and crying evil.' 
 
 ' Evil, madam, may be either operative, or passive. 
 To them it is an evil, but to us none. We have no more 
 to do with the sins of the wicked and unconverted here 
 than with those of the infidel Turk ; for all earthly 
 bonds and fellowships are absorbed and swallowed up in 
 the holy community of the Reformed Church. However, 
 if it is your wish, I shall take him to task, and reprimand 
 
14 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 and humble him in -such a manner that he shall be 
 ashamed of his doings, and renounce such deeds for ever, 
 out of mere self-respect, though all unsanctified the heart, 
 as well as the deed may be. To the wicked, all things 
 are wicked ; but to the just, all things are just and 
 right.' 
 
 'Ah, that is a sweet and comfortable saying, Mr 
 Wringhim ! How delightful to think that a justified 
 person can do no wrong ! Who would not envy the 
 liberty wherewith we are made free ? Go to my 
 husband, that poor unfortunate, blindfolded person, and 
 open his eyes to his degenerate and sinful state ; for 
 well are you fitted to the task.' 
 
 ' Yea, I will go in unto him, and confound him. I 
 will lay the strongholds of sin and Satan as flat before 
 my face, as the dung that is spread out to fatten the 
 land.' 
 
 ' Master, there's a gentleman at the fore-door wants a 
 private word o' ye.' 
 
 ' Tell him I'm engaged ; I can't see any gentleman 
 to-night. But I shall attend on him to-morrow as soon 
 as he pleases.' 
 
 * He's coming straight in, sir. — Stop a wee bit, sir, my 
 master is engaged. He cannot see you at present, sir.' 
 
 ' Stand aside, thou Moabite ! my mission admits of no 
 delay. I come to save him from the jaws of destruc- 
 tion ! ' 
 
 ' An' that be the case, sir, it mak's a wide difference ; 
 an' as the danger may threaten us a', I fancy I may as 
 weel let ye gang by as fight wi' ye, sin' ye seem sae 
 
 intent on't. The man says he's comin' to save ye, 
 
 an' canna stop, sir. Here he is.' 
 
 The laird was going to break out into a volley of wrath 
 
ifessions of a Justified Sinner. 15 
 
 against Waters, his servant ; but before he got a word 
 pronounced, the Rev. Mr Wringhim had stepped inside 
 the room, and Waters had retired, shutting the door 
 behind him. 
 
 No introduction could be more mal-a-propos : it is 
 impossible ; for at that very moment the laird and 
 Arabella Logan were both sitting on one seat, and both 
 looking on one book, when the door opened. ' What is 
 it, sir ? ' said the laird fiercely. 
 
 ' A message of the greatest importance, sir,' said the 
 divine, striding unceremoniously up to the chimney — 
 turning his back to the fire, and his face to the culprits — 
 * I think you should know me, sir,' continued he, looking 
 displeasedly at the laird, with his face half turned round. 
 
 ' I think I should,' returned the laird. ' You are a Mr 
 How's-tey-ca'-him, of Glasgow, who did me the worst 
 turn ever I got done to me in my life. You gentry are 
 always ready to do a man such a turn. Pray, sir, did 
 you ever do a good job for anyone to counterbalance 
 that ? for, if you have not, you ought to be — ' 
 
 ' Hold, sir, I say ! None of your profanity before me. 
 If I do evil to anyone on such occasions, it is because 
 he will have it so ; therefore, the evil is not of my doing. 
 I ask you, sir — before God and this witness — I ask you, 
 have you kept solemnly and inviolate the vows which I 
 laid upon you that day ? Answer me ? ' 
 
 ' Has the partner whom you bound me to, kept hers 
 inviolate ? Answer me that, sir ? None can better do 
 so than you, Mr How's-tey-ca'-you.' 
 
 * So, then, you confess your backslidings, and avow the 
 profligacy of your life. And this person here is, I 
 suppose, the partner of your iniquity — she whose beauty 
 hath caused you to err ! Stand up, both of you, till I 
 
1 6 The Private Memoirs ar 
 
 rebuke you, and show you what you are in the eyes of 
 God and man.' 
 
 ' In the first place, stand you still there, till I tell you 
 wh^t you are in the eyes of God and man. You are, sir, 
 a presumptuous, self-conceited pedagogue, a stirrer up of 
 strife and commotion in church, in state, in families, and 
 communities. You are one, sir, whose righteousness 
 consists in splitting the doctrine of Calvin into thousands 
 of undistinguishable films, and in setting up a system of 
 justifying grace against all breaches of all laws, moral or 
 divine. In short, sir, you are a mildew — a canker-worm 
 in the bosom of the Reformed Church, generating a dis- 
 ease of which she will never be purged, but by the 
 shedding of blood. Go thou in peace, and do these 
 abominations no more ; but humble thyself, lest a worse 
 reproof come upon thee.' 
 
 Wringhim heard all this without flinching. He now 
 and then twisted his mouth in disdain, treasuring up, 
 meantime, his vengeance against the two aggressors ; 
 for he felt that he had them on the hip, and resolved to 
 pour out his vengeance and indignation upon them. 
 Sorry am I, that the shackles of modern decorum 
 restrain me from penning that famous rebuke ; 
 fragments of which have been attributed to every divine 
 of old notoriety throughout Scotland. But I have it 
 by heart ; and a glorious morsel it is to put into the 
 hands of certain incendiaries. The metaphors were so 
 strong, and so appalling, that Miss Logan could only 
 stand them a very short time ; she was obliged to with- 
 draw in confusion. The laird stood his ground with 
 much ado, though his face was often crimsoned over 
 with the hues of shame and anger. Several times he 
 was on the point of turning the oflScious sycophant to 
 
^ 
 
 onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 17 
 
 the door ; but good manners, and an inherent respect 
 that he entertained for the clergy, as the immediate 
 servants of the Supreme Being, restrained him. 
 
 Wringhim, perceiving these symptoms of resentment, 
 took them for marks of shame and contrition, and 
 pushed his reproaches further than ever divine ventured 
 to do in a similar case. When he had finished, to prevent 
 further discussion, he walked slowly and majestically out 
 of the apartment, making his robes to swing behind him 
 in a most magisterial manner ; he being, without doubt, 
 elated with his high conquest. He went to the upper 
 story, and related to his metaphysical associate his 
 wonderful success ; how he had driven the dame from 
 the house in tears and deep confusion, and left the back- 
 sliding laird in such a quandary of shame and repentance, 
 that he could neither articulate a word, nor lift up his 
 countenance. The dame thanked him most cordially, 
 lauding his friendly zeal and powerful eloquence ; and 
 then the two again set keenly to the splitting of hairs, 
 and making distinctions in religion where none existed. 
 
 They being both children of adoption, and secured 
 from falling into snares, or any way under the power of 
 the wicked one, it was their custom, on each visit, to sit 
 up a night in the same apartment, for the sake of sweet 
 spiritual converse ; but that time, in the course of the 
 night, they differed so materially on a small point, some- 
 where between justification and final election, that the 
 minister, in the heat of his zeal, sprung from his seat, 
 paced the floor, and maintained his point with such 
 ardour, that Martha was alarmed, and thinking they 
 were going to fight, and that the minister would be a 
 hard match for her mistress, she put on some clothes, 
 and twice left her bed and stood listening at the back 
 
 B 
 
1 8 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 of the door, ready to burst in should need require it. 
 Should anyone think this picture overstrained, I can 
 assure him that it is taken from nature and from 
 truth ; but I will not likewise aver, that the theologist 
 was neither crazed nor inebriated. If the listener's words 
 were to be relied on, there was no love, no accommo- 
 dating principle manifested between the two, but a fiery 
 burning zeal, relating to points of such minor import- 
 ance, that a true Christian would blush to hear them 
 mentioned, and the infidel and profane make a handle 
 of them to turn our religion to scorn. 
 
 Great was the dame's exultation at the triumph of her 
 beloved pastor over her sinful neighbours in the lower 
 parts of the house ; and she boasted of it to Martha in 
 high-sounding terms. But it was of short duration ; for, in 
 five weeks after that, Arabella Logan came to reside with 
 the laird as his housekeeper, sitting at his table, and 
 carrying the keys as mistress-substitute of the mansion. 
 The lady's grief and indignation were now raised to a 
 higher pitch than ever ; and she set every agent to 
 work, with whom she had any power, to effect a 
 separation between these two suspected ones. Remon- 
 strance was of no avail ; George laughed at them who 
 tried such a course, and retained his housekeeper, while 
 the lady gave herself up to utter despair ; for though 
 she would not consort with her husband herself, she 
 could not endure that any others should do so. 
 
 But, to countervail this grievous offence, our saintly 
 and afflicted dame, in due time, was safely delivered of a 
 fine boy, whom the laird acknowledged as his son and 
 heir, and had him christened by his own name, and 
 nursed in his own premises. He gave the nurse per- 
 mission to take the boy to his mother's presence if ever 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 19 
 
 she should desire to see him ; but, strange as it may 
 appear, she never once desired to see him from the day 
 that he was born. The boy grew up, and was a health- 
 ful and happy child ; and in the course of another year, 
 the lady presented him with a brother. A brother he 
 certainly was, in the eye of the law, and it is more than 
 probable that he was his brother in reality. But the 
 laird thought otherwise ; and, though he knew and ac- 
 knowledged that he was obliged to support and provide 
 for him, he refused to acknowledge him in other respects. 
 He neither would countenance the banquet, nor take 
 the baptismal vows on him in the child's name ; of course 
 the poor boy had to live and remain an alien from the 
 visible Church for a year and a day ; at which time, 
 Mr Wringhim out of pity and kindness, took the lady 
 herself as sponsor for the boy, and baptised him by 
 the name of Robert Wringhim,— that being the noted 
 divine's own name. 
 
 George was brought up with his father, and educated 
 partly at the parish-school, and partly at home, by a 
 tutor hired for the purpose. He was a generous and 
 kind-hearted youth ; always ready to oblige, and hardly 
 ever dissatisfied with anybody. Robert was brought up 
 ^ with Mr Wringhim, the laird paying a certain allowance 
 for him yearly ; and there the boy was early inured to all 
 the sternness and severity of his pastor's arbitrary and 
 unyielding creed. He was taught to pray twice every 
 day, and seven times on Sabbath days ; but he was only to 
 pray for the elect, and, like David of old, doom all that 
 were aliens from God to destruction. He had never, in 
 that family into which he had been as it were adopted, 
 heard aught but evil spoken of his reputed father and 
 brother ; consequently he held them in utter abhorrence, 
 
20 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 and prayed against them every day, often ' That the old 
 hoary sinner might be cut off in the full flush of his 
 iniquity, and be carried quick into hell ; and that the 
 young stem of the corrupt trunk might also be taken 
 from a world that he disgraced, but that his sins might 
 be pardoned, because he knew no better.' 
 
 Such were the tenets in which it would appear young 
 Robert was bred. He was an acute boy, an excellent 
 learner, had ardent and ungovernable passions, and 
 withal, a sternness of demeanour from which other boys 
 shrunk. He was the best grammarian, the best reader, 
 writer, and accountant in the various classes that he 
 attended, and was fond of writing essays on controverted 
 points of theology, for which he got prizes, and great 
 praise from his guardian and mother. George was much 
 behind him in scholastic acquirements, but greatly his 
 superior in personal prowess, form, feature, and all that 
 constitutes gentility in deportment and appearance. 
 The laird had often manifested to Miss Logan an earnest 
 wish that the two young men should never meet, or at 
 all events that they should be as little conversant as 
 possible ; and Miss Logan, who was as much attached to 
 George as if he had been her own son, took every pre- 
 caution, while he was a boy, that he should never meet 
 with his brother ; but as they advanced towards man- 
 hood, this became impracticable. The lady was removed 
 from her apartments in her husband's house to Glasgow, 
 to her great content ; and all to prevent the young 
 laird being tainted with the company of her and her 
 second son ; for the laird had felt the effects of the 
 principles they professed, and dreaded them more than 
 persecution, fire, and sword. During all the dreadful 
 times that had overpast, though the laird had been a 
 
onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 21 
 
 moderate man, he had still leaned to the side of the 
 kingly prerogative, and had escaped confiscation and 
 fines, without ever taking any active hand in suppressing 
 the Covenanters. But after experiencing a specimen of 
 their tenets and manner in his wife, from a secret 
 favourer of them and their doctrines, he grew alarmed at 
 the prevalence of such stern and factious principles, now 
 that there was no check nor restraint upon them; and from 
 that time he began to set himself against them; joining 
 with the Cavalier party of that day in all their pro- 
 ceedings. 
 
 It so happened, that, under- the influence of the Earls 
 of Seafield and Tullibardine, he was returned for a 
 Member of Parliament in the famous session that sat at 
 Edinburgh, when the Duke of Queensberry was com- 
 missioner, and in which party spirit ran to such an 
 extremity. The young laird went with his father to the 
 court, and remained in town all the time that the session 
 lasted ; and as all interested people of both factions 
 flocked to the town at that period, so the important Aii 
 Wringhim was there among the rest, during the greater 
 part of the time, blowing the coal of revolutionary 
 principles with all his might, in every society to which 
 he could obtain admission. He was a great favourite 
 with some of the west country gentlemen of that faction, 
 by reason of his unbending impudence. No opposition 
 could for a moment cause him either to blush, or retract 
 one item that he had advanced. Therefore the Duke of 
 Arg3'le and his friends made such use of him as sports- 
 men often do of terriers, to start the game, and make a 
 great yelping noise to let them know whither the chace 
 is proceeding. They often did this out of sport, in order 
 to teaze their opponent; for of all pesterers that ever 
 
2 2 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 fastened on man, he was the most insufferable : knowing 
 that his coat protected him from manual chastisement, 
 he spared no acrimony, and delighted in the chagrin and 
 anger of those with whom he contended. But he was 
 sometimes likewise of real use to the heads of the 
 Presbyterian faction, and therefore was admitted to their 
 tables, and of course conceived himself a very great man. 
 
 His ward accompanied him; and very shortly after 
 their arrival in Edinburgh, Robert, for the first time, 
 met with the young laird, his brother, in a match at 
 tennis. The prowess and agility of the young squire 
 drew forth the loudest plaudits of approval from his 
 associates, and his own exertion alone carried the game 
 every time on the one side, and that so far as all along to 
 count three for their one. The hero's name soon ran 
 round the circle, and when his brother Robert, who was 
 an onlooker, learned who it was that was gaining so 
 much applause, he came and stood close beside him all 
 the time that the game lasted, always now and then 
 putting in a cutting remark by way of mockery. 
 
 George could not help perceiving him, not only on 
 account of his impertinent remarks, but he, moreover, 
 stood so near him that he several times impeded him in 
 his rapid evolutions, and of course got himself shoved 
 aside in no very ceremonious way. Instead of making 
 him keep his distance, these rude shocks and pushes, 
 accompanied sometimes with hasty curses, only made 
 him cling the closer to this king of the game. He 
 seemed determined to maintain his right to his place as 
 an onlooker, as well as any of those engaged in the game, 
 and if they had tried him at an argument, he would have 
 carried his point : or perhaps he wished to quarrel with 
 this spark of his jealousy and aversion, and draw the 
 
'onfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 23 
 
 attention of the gay crowd to himself by these means; 
 for, like his guardian, he knew no other pleasure but 
 what consisted in opposition. George took him for some 
 impertinent student of divinity, rather set upon a joke 
 than anything else. He perceived a lad with black 
 clothes, and a methodistical face, whose countenance and 
 eye he disliked exceedingly, several times in his way, and 
 that was all the notice he took of him the first time they 
 two met. But the next day, and every succeeding one, 
 the same devilish-looking youth attended him as con- 
 stantly as his shadow; was always in his way as with 
 intention to impede him, and ever and anon his deep 
 and malignant eye met those of his elder brother with a 
 glance so fierce that it sometimes startled him. 
 
 The very next time that George was engaged at 
 tennis, he had not struck the ball above twice till the same 
 intrusive being was again in his way. The party played 
 for considerable stakes that day, namely, a dinner and 
 wine at the Black Bull tavern ; and George, as the hero 
 and head of his party, was much interested in its honour; 
 consequently, the sight of this moody and hellish-looking 
 student affected him in no very pleasant manner. ' Pray 
 sir, be so good as keep without the range of the ball,' 
 said he. 
 
 ' Is there any law or enactment that can compel me to 
 do so ? ' said the other biting his lip with scorn. 
 
 *If there is not, they are here that shall compel you,' 
 returned George ; ' so, friend, I rede you to be on your 
 guard.' 
 
 As he said this, a flush of anger glowed in his hand- 
 some face, and flashed from his sparkling blue eye; but 
 it was a stranger to both, and momently took its depar- 
 ture. The black-coated youth set up his cap before. 
 
24 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 brought his heavy brows over his deep dark eyes, put his 
 hands in the pockets of his black plush breeches, and 
 stepped a little farther into the semi-circle, immediately 
 on his brother's right hand, than he had ever ventured 
 to do before. There he set himself firm on his legs, and, 
 with a face as demure as death, seemed determined to 
 keep his ground. He pretended to be following the ball 
 with his eyes ; but every moment they were glancing 
 aside at George. One of the competitors chanced to say 
 
 rashly, in the moment of exultation, 'That's a d d 
 
 fine blow, George ! ' On which the intruder took up the 
 word, as characteristic of the competitors, and repeated it 
 every stroke that was given, making such a ludicrous use 
 of it, that several of the onlookers were compelled to 
 laugh immoderately; but the players were terribly nettled 
 at it, as he really contrived, by dint of sliding in some 
 canonical terms, to render the competitors and their 
 game ridiculous. 
 
 But matters at length came to a crisis that put them 
 beyond sport. George, in flying backward to gain the 
 point at which the ball was going to light, came in- 
 advertently so rudely in contact with this obstreperous 
 interloper, that he not only overthrew him, but also got 
 a grievous fall over his legs; and, as he arose, the other 
 made a spurn at him with his foot, which, if it had hit to 
 its aim, would undoubtedly have finished the course of 
 the young laird of Dalcastle and Balgrennan. George, 
 being irritated beyond measure, as may well be conceived, 
 especially at the deadly stroke aimed at him, struck the 
 assailant with his racket, rather slightly, but so that his 
 mouth and nose gushed out blood; and at the same time, 
 he said, turning to his cronies : ' Does any of you know 
 who the infernal puppy is ? ' 
 
mfessions of a Justified Sinner. 25 
 
 * Do you not know, sir,' said one of the onlookers, a 
 stranger, * the gentleman is your own brother, sir — Mr 
 Robert Wringhim Colwan ! ' 
 
 * No, not Colwan, sir,' said Robert, putting his hands 
 in his pockets, and setting himself still farther forward 
 than before, — ' Not a Colwan, sir; henceforth I disclaim 
 the name.' 
 
 ' No, certainly not,' repeated George; 'my mother's son 
 you may be — but not a Colwan I There you are right.' 
 Then turning round to his informer, he said, ' Mercy be 
 about us, sir! is this the crazy-minister's son from 
 Glasgow ? ' 
 
 This question was put in the irritation of the moment ; 
 but it was too rude, and too far out of place, and no one 
 deigned any answer to it. He felt the reproof, and felt 
 it deeply; seeming anxious for some opportunity to 
 make an acknowledgment, or some reparation. 
 
 In the meantime, young Wringhim "was an object to 
 all of the uttermost disgust. The blood flowing from 
 his mouth and nose he took no pains to stem, neither 
 did he so much as wipe it away; so that it spread over all 
 his cheeks, and breast, even off at his toes. In that state 
 did he take up his station in the middle of the com- 
 petitors; and he did not now keep his place, but ran 
 about, impeding every one who attempted to make at 
 the ball. They loaded him with execrations, but it 
 availed nothing; he seemed courting persecution and 
 buffetings, keeping steadfastly to his old joke of damna- 
 tion, and marring the game so completely, that, in spite 
 of every effort on the part of the players, he forced them 
 to stop their game, and give it up. He was such a 
 rueful-looking object, covered with blood, that none of 
 them had the heart to kick him, although it appeared 
 
26 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 the only thing he wanted; and as for George, he said 
 not another word to him, either in anger or reproof. 
 
 When the game was fairly given up, and the party 
 were washing their hands in the stone fount, some of 
 them besought Robert Wringhim to wash himself; but 
 he mocked at them, and said he was much better as 
 he was. George, at length, came forward abashedly 
 toward him, and said : ' I have been greatly to blame, 
 Robert, and am very sorry for what I have done. But, 
 in the first instance, I erred through ignorance, not 
 knowing you were my brother, which you certainly are; 
 and, in the second, through a momentary irritation for 
 which I am ashamed. I pray you therefore to pardon 
 me, and give me your hand.' 
 
 As he said this, he held out his hand towards his pol- 
 luted brother; but the froward predestinarian took not 
 his from his breeches' pocket, but lifting his foot, he 
 gave his brother's hand a kick. ' I'll give you what will 
 suit such a hand better than mine,' said he, with a sneer. 
 And then, turning lightly about, he added, ' Are there 
 
 to be no more of these d d fine blows, gentlemen ? 
 
 For shame to give up such a profitable and edifying- 
 game ! ' 
 
 ' This is too bad,' said George. ' But since it is thus, 
 I have the less to regret.' And having made this general 
 Femark, he took no more note of the uncouth aggressor. 
 But the persecution of the latter terminated not on the 
 playground; he ranked among them, bloody and disgust- 
 ing as he was, and, keeping close by his brother's side, he 
 marched along with the party all the way to the Black 
 Bull. Before they got there, a great number of boys and 
 idle people had surrounded them, hooting and incom- 
 moding them exceedingly, so that they were glad to get 
 
)nfessIons of a Justified Sinner. 27 
 
 into the inn; and the unaccountable monster actually 
 tried to get in along with them, to make one of the party 
 at dinner. But the innkeeper and his men, getting the 
 hint, by force prevented him from entering, although he 
 attempted it again and again, both by telling lies and 
 offering a bribe. Finding he could not prevail, he set 
 to exciting the mob at the door to acts of violence; in 
 which he had like to have succeeded. The landlord 
 had no other shift, at last, but to send privately for two 
 officers, and have him carried to the guardhouse ; and 
 the hilarity and joy of the party of young gentlemen, 
 for the evening, was quite spoiled, by the inauspicious 
 termination of their game. 
 
 The Rev. Robert Wringhim was now sent for to 
 release his beloved ward. The messenger found him at 
 table, with a number of the leaders of the Whig faction, 
 the Marquis of Annandale being in the chair ; and the 
 prisoner's note being produced, Wringhim read it aloud, 
 accompanying it with some explanatory remarks. The 
 circumstances of the case being thus magnified and dis- 
 torted, it excited the utmost abhorrence, both of the 
 deed and the perpetrators, among the assembled faction. 
 They declaimed against the act as an unnatural attempt 
 on the character, and even the life, of an unfortunate 
 brother, who had been expelled from his father's house. 
 And, as party spirit was the order of the day, an attempt 
 was made to lay the burden of it to that account. In 
 short, the young culprit got some of the best blood of the 
 land to enter as his securities, and was set at liberty. 
 But when Wringhim perceived the plight that he was 
 in, he took him, as he was, and presented him to his 
 honourable patrons. This raised the indignation against 
 the young laird and his associates a thousand fold, which 
 
28 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 actually roused the party to temporary madness. They 
 were, perhaps, a little excited by the wine and spirits they 
 had swallowed ; else a casual quarrel between two young 
 men, at tennis, could not have driven them to such 
 extremes. But certain it is, that from one at first arising 
 to address the party on the atrocity of the offence, both 
 in a moral and political point of view, on a sudden there 
 were six on their feet, at the same time, expatiating on 
 it ; and, in a very short time thereafter, every one in the 
 room was up, talking with the utmost vociferation, all on 
 the same subject, and all taking the same side in the 
 debate. 
 
 In the midst of this confusion, some one or other issued 
 from the house, which was at the back of the Canongate, 
 calling out : ' A plot, a plot ! Treason, treason ! Down 
 with the bloody incendiaries at the Black Bull ! ' 
 
 The concourse of people that were assembled in 
 Edinburgh at that time was prodigious 3 and as they were 
 all actuated by political motives, they wanted only a 
 ready-blown coal to set the mountain on fire. The 
 evening being fine, and the streets thronged, the cry ran 
 from mouth to mouth through the whole city. More 
 than that, the mob that had of late been gathered to the 
 door of the Black Bull, had, by degrees, dispersed ; but, 
 they being young men, and idle vagrants, they had only 
 spread themselves over the rest of the street to lounge in 
 search of farther amusement : consequently, a word was 
 sufficient to send them back to their late rendezvous, 
 where they had previously witnessed something they did 
 not much approve of. 
 
 The master of the tavern was astonished at seeing the 
 mob again assembling ; and that with such hurry and 
 noise. But his inmates being all of the highest respecta- 
 
onfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 29 
 
 bility, he judged himself sure of protection, or, at least, 
 of indemnity. He had two large parties in his house at 
 the time ; the largest of which was of the Revolutionist 
 faction. The other consisted of our young tennis-players 
 and their associates, who were all of the Jacobite order ; 
 or, at all events, leaned to the Episcopal side. The 
 largest party were in a front room, and the attack of the 
 mob fell first on their windows, though rather with fear 
 and caution. Jingle went one pane ; then a loud hurrah ; 
 and that again was followed by a number of voices, 
 endeavouring to restrain the indignation from venting 
 itself in destroying the windows, and to turn it on the 
 inmates. The Whigs, calling the landlord, inquired 
 what the assault meant : he cunningly answered that 
 he suspected it was some of the youths of the Cavalier, 
 or High Church party, exciting the mob against them. 
 The party consisted mostly of young gentlemen, by that 
 time in a key to engage in any row ; and, at all events, 
 to suffer nothing from the other party, against whom 
 their passions were mightily inflamed. 
 
 The landlord, therefore, had no sooner given them the 
 spirit-rousing intelligence, than every one, as by instinct, 
 swore his own natural oath, and grasped his own natural 
 weapon. A few of those of the highest rank were 
 armed with swords, which they boldly drew ; those of 
 the subordinate orders immediately flew to such weapons 
 as the room, kitchen, and scullery afforded ; such as 
 tongs, pokers, spits, racks, and shovels ; and breathing 
 vengeance on the prelatic party, the children of Anti- 
 christ, and the heirs of d— n— t— n! the barterers of 
 the liberties of their country, and betrayers of the most 
 sacred trust, — thus elevated, and thus armed, in the cause 
 of right, justice, and liberty, our heroes rushed to the 
 
30 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 street, and attacked the mob with such violence, that 
 they broke the mass in a moment, and dispersed their 
 thousands Hke chaff before the wind. The other party 
 of young Jacobites, who sat in a room farther from the 
 front, and were those against whom the fury of the mob 
 was meant to have been directed, knew nothing of this 
 second uproar, till the noise of the sally made by the 
 Whigs assailed their ears ; being then informed that the 
 mob had attacked the house on account of the treatment 
 they themselves had given to a young gentleman of the 
 adverse faction, and that another jovial party had issued 
 from the house in their defence, and was now engaged in 
 an unequal combat, the sparks likewise flew to the field 
 to back their defenders with all their prowess, without 
 troubling their heads about who they were. 
 
 A mob is like a spring tide in an eastern storm, that 
 retires only to return with more overwhelming fury. 
 The crowd was taken by surprise, when such a strong 
 and well-armed party issued from the house with so 
 great fury, laying all prostrate that came in their way. 
 Those who were next to the door, and were, of course, 
 the first whom the imminent danger assailed, rushed 
 backward among the crowd with their whole force. The 
 Black Bull standing in a small square half way between 
 the High Street and the Cowgate, and the entrance to 
 it being by two closes, into these the pressure outward 
 was simultaneous, and thousands were moved to an in- 
 voluntary flight, they knew not why. 
 
 But the High Street of Edinburgh, which they soon 
 reached, is a dangerous place in which to make an open 
 attack upon a mob. And it appears that the entrances to 
 the tavern had been somewhere near to the Cross, on the 
 south side of the street; for the crowd fled with great ex- 
 
ifesslons of a Justified Sinner. 31 
 
 pedition, both to the east and west, and the conquerors, 
 separating themselves as chance directed, pursued im- 
 petuously, wounding and maiming as they flew. But it 
 so chanced, that before either of the wings had followed 
 the flying squadrons of their enemies for the space of a 
 hundred yards each way, the devil an enemy they had to 
 pursue ! the multitude had vanished like so many 
 thousands of phantoms ! What could our heroes do ? 
 Why, they faced about to return toward their citadel, 
 the Black Bull. But that feat was not so easily, nor so 
 readily accomplished, as they divined. The unnumbered 
 alleys on each side of the street had swallowed up the 
 multitude in a few seconds ; but from these they were busy 
 reconnoitring; and, perceiving the deficiency in the number 
 of their assailants, the rush from both sides of the street 
 was as rapid, and as wonderful, as the disappearance of 
 the crowd had been a few minutes before. Each close 
 vomited out its levies, and these better armed with 
 missiles than when they sought it for a temporary retreat. 
 Woe then to our two columns of victorious Whigs ! The 
 mob actually closed around them as they would have 
 swallowed them up; and, in the meanwhile, shower after 
 shower of the most abominable weapons of offence were 
 rained in upon them. If the gentlemen were irritated 
 before, this inflamed them still farther; but their danger was 
 now so apparent, they could not shut their eyes on it, there- 
 fore, both parties, as if actuated by the same spirit, made 
 a desperate effort to join, and the greater part effected it; 
 but some were knocked down, and others were separated 
 from their friends, and blithe to become silent members 
 of the mob. 
 
 The battle now raged immediately in front of the closes 
 leading to the Black Bull; the small body of Whig gentle- 
 
o 
 
 2 The Private Memoirs an( 
 
 men was hardly bested, and it is likely would have been 
 overcome and trampled down every man, had they not 
 been then and there joined by the young Cavaliers; who, 
 fresh to arms, broke from the wynd, opened the head of 
 the passage, laid about them manfully, and thus kept up 
 the spirits of the exasperated Whigs, who were the men 
 in fact that wrought the most deray among the populace. 
 
 The town-guard was now on the alert; and two com- 
 panies of the Cameronian regiment, with the Hon. 
 Captain Douglas, rushed down from the Castle to the 
 scene of action ; but, for all the noise and hubbub that 
 these caused in the street, the combat had become so close 
 and inveterate, that numbers of both sides were taken 
 prisoners fighting hand to hand, and could scarcely be 
 separated when the guardsmen and soldiers had them by 
 the necks. 
 
 Great was the alarm and confusion that night in 
 Edinburgh; for everyone concluded that it was a party 
 scuffle, and, the two parties being so equal in power, the 
 most serious consequences were anticipated. The agita- 
 tion was so prevailing, that every party in the town, 
 great and small, was broken up; and the lord-com- 
 missioner thought proper to go to the council-chamber 
 himself, even at that late hour, accompanied by the 
 sheriffs of Edinburgh and Linlithgow, with sundry 
 noblemen besides, in order to learn something of the origin 
 of the affray. 
 
 For a long time the court was completely puzzled. 
 Every gentleman brought in exclaimed against the treat- 
 ment he had received, in most bitter terms, blaming 
 a mob set on him and his friends by the adverse party; 
 and matters looked extremely ill, until at length they 
 began to perceive that they were examining gentlemen 
 
sions of a Justified Sinner. 33 
 
 both parties, and that they had been doing so from 
 
 : beginning, almost alternately, so equally had the 
 
 isoners been taken from both parties. Finally, it 
 
 rned out, that a few gentlemen, two-thirds of whom 
 
 re strenuous Whigs themselves, had joined in mauling 
 
 e whole Whig population of Edinburgh. The investi- 
 
 tion disclosed nothing the effect of which was not 
 
 dicrous; and the Duke of Queensberry, whose aim was 
 
 that time to conciliate the two factions, tried all that 
 
 could to turn the whole fracas into a joke — an un- 
 
 cky frolic, where no ill was meant on either side, and 
 
 hich yet had been productive of a great deal. 
 
 The greater part of the people went home satisfied; 
 
 It not so the Rev. Robert Wringhim. He did all that 
 
 ; could to inflame both judges and populace against 
 
 e young Cavaliers, especially against the young Laird 
 
 Dalcastle, whom he represented as an incendiary, set 
 
 [1 by an unnatural parent to slander his mother, and 
 
 lake away with a hapless and only brother; and, in truth, 
 
 lat declaimer against all human merit had that sort of 
 
 Dwerful, homely, and bitter eloquence, which seldom 
 
 lissed affecting his hearers; the consequence at that 
 
 me was, that he made the unfortunate affair between the 
 
 vo brothers appear in extremely bad colours, and the 
 
 3pulace retired to their homes impressed with no very 
 
 vourable opinion of either the Laird of Dalcastle or his 
 
 )n George, neither of whom were there present to speak 
 
 >r themselves. 
 
 As for Wringhim himself, he went home to his lodgings, 
 [led with gall and with spite against the young laird, 
 hom he was made to believe the aggressor, and that 
 itentionally. But most of all was he filled with indigna- 
 on against the father, whom he held in abhorrence at all 
 
 C 
 
34 The Private Memoirs 
 
 times, and blamed solely for this unmannerly attack made 
 on his favourite ward, namesake, and adopted son; and 
 for the public imputation of a crime to his own reverence, 
 in calling the lad his son, and thus charging him with a 
 sin against which he was well known to have levelled all 
 the arrows of church censure with unsparing might. 
 ' But, filled as his heart was with some portion of these bad 
 feelings, to which all flesh is subject, he kept, nevertheless, 
 the fear of the Lord always before his eyes so far as never 
 to omit any of the external duties of religion, and farther 
 than that, man hath no power to pry. He lodged with 
 the family of a Mr Millar, whose lady was originally from 
 Glasgow, and had been a hearer, and, of course, a great 
 admirer of Mr Wringhim. In that family he made 
 public worship every evening; and that night, in his 
 petitions at a throne of grace, he prayed for so many vials 
 of wrath to be poured on the head of some particular 
 sinner, that the hearers trembled, and stopped their ears. 
 But that he might not proceed with so violent a measure, 
 amounting to excommunication, without due scripture 
 warrant, he began the exercise of the evening by singing 
 the following verses, which it is a pity should ever have 
 been admitted into a Christian psalmody, being so adverse 
 to all its mild and benevolent principles : — 
 
 Set thou the wicked over him, 
 A nd upon his right hand 
 Give thou his greatest enemy 
 
 Even Satan^ leave to stand. 
 And when by thee he shall be judged, 
 
 Let him remembered be ; 
 And let his prayer be turned to sin, 
 
 When he shall call on thee. 
 Few be his days ; and in his room 
 
 His charge another take ; 
 
o^nfessions of a Justified Sinner. 35 
 
 His children let be fatherless ; 
 
 His wife a widow make : 
 Let God his father's wickedness 
 
 Still to remembrance call ; 
 And never let his mother's sin 
 
 Be blotted out at all. 
 As he in cursing pleasure took, 
 
 So let it to him fall ; 
 As he delighted not to bless, 
 
 So bless him not at all. 
 As cursing he like clothes puts on, 
 
 Into his bowels so, 
 Like water, and into his bones 
 
 Like oil down let it go. 
 
 Young Wringhim only knew the fiill purport of this 
 spiritual song ; and went to his bed better satisfied than 
 ever, that his father and brother were castaways, repro- 
 bates, aliens from the Church and the true faith, and 
 cursed in time and eternity. 
 
 The next day George and his companions met as 
 usual — all who were not seriously wounded of them. 
 But as they strolled about the city, the rancorous eye 
 and the finger of scorn were pointed against them. 
 None of them was at first aware of the reason; but it 
 threw a damp over their spirits and enjoyments, which 
 they could not master. They went to take a forenoon 
 game at their old play of tennis, not on a match, but by 
 way of improving themselves; but they had not well 
 taken their places till young Wringhim appeared in his 
 old station, at his brother's right hand, with looks more 
 demure and determined than ever. His lips were 
 primmed so close that his mouth was hardly discernible, 
 and his dark deep eye flashed gleams of holy indignation 
 on the godless set, but particularly on his brother. His 
 presence acted as a mildew on all social intercourse or 
 
36 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 enjoyment; the game was marred, and ended ere it was 
 well begun. There were whisperings apart — the party 
 separated; and, in order to shake off the blighting in- 
 fluence of this dogged persecutor, they entered sundry 
 houses of their acquaintances, with an understanding 
 that they were to meet on the Links for a game at 
 cricket. 
 
 They did so; and, stripping off part of their clothes, 
 they began that violent and spirited game. They had 
 not played five minutes, till Wringhim was stalking in 
 the midst of them, and totally impeding the play. A 
 cry arose from all corners of ' Oh, this will never do. 
 Kick him out of the playground ! Knock down the 
 scoundrel; or bind him, and let him lie in peace.' 
 
 ' By no means,' cried George : 'it is evident he wants 
 nothing else. Pray do not humour him so much as to 
 touch him with either foot or finger.' Then turning to 
 a friend, he said in a whisper, 'Speak to him, Gordon; 
 he surely will not refuse to let us have the ground to 
 ourselves, if you request it of him.' 
 
 Gordon went up to him, and requested of him civilly, 
 but ardently, ' to retire to a certain distance, else none of 
 them could or would be answerable, however sore he 
 might be hurt.' 
 
 He turned disdainfully on his heel, uttered a kind of 
 pulpit hem ! and then added, ' I will take my chance of 
 that; hurt me, any of you, at your peril.' 
 
 The young gentlemen smiled, through spite and dis- 
 dain of the dogged animal. Gordon followed him up, 
 and tried to remonstrate with him ; but he let him know 
 that it was his pleasure to be there at that time; and, 
 unless he could demonstrate to him what superior right 
 he and his party had to that ground, in preference to 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 2>7 
 
 him, and to the exckision of all others, he was deter- 
 mined to assert his right, and the rights of his fellow- 
 citizens, by keeping possession of whatsoever part of that 
 common field he chose. 
 
 * You are no gentleman, sir,' said Gordon. 
 
 * Are you one, sir ? ' said the other. 
 
 ' Yes, sir, I will let you know that I am, by G — ! ' 
 
 ' Then, thanks be to Him whose name you have pro- 
 faned, I am none. If one of the party be a gentleman 
 / do hope in God I am not ! ' 
 
 It was now apparent to them all that he was courting 
 obloquy and manual chastisement from their hands, if by 
 any means he could provoke them to the deed; and, 
 apprehensive that he had some sinister and deep-laid 
 design in hunting after such a singular favour, they 
 wisely restrained one another from inflicting the punish- 
 ment that each of them yearned to bestow, personally, 
 and which he so well deserved. 
 
 But the unpopularity of the younger George Colwan 
 could no longer be concealed from his associates. It was 
 manifested wherever the populace were assembled: and 
 his young and intimate friend, Adam Gordon, was 
 obliged to warn him of the circumstance, that he might 
 not be surprised at the gentlemen of their acquaintance 
 withdrawing themselves from his society, as they could 
 not be seen with him without being insulted. George 
 thanked him; and it was agreed between them, that the 
 former should keep himself retired during the daytime 
 while he remained in Edinburgh, and that at night they 
 should always meet together, along with such of their 
 , companions as were disengaged. 
 
 George found it every day more and more necessary to 
 adhere to this system of seclusion; for it was not alone the 
 
38 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 hisses of the boys and populace that pursued him — a fiend 
 of more malignant aspect was ever at his elbow in the 
 form of his brother. To whatever place of amusement 
 he betook himself, and however well he concealed his 
 intentions of going there from all flesh living, there was 
 his brother Wringhim also, and always within a few 
 yards of him, generally about the same distance, and 
 ever and anon darting looks at him that chilled his very 
 soul. They were looks that cannot be described; but 
 they were felt piercing to the bosom's deepest core. 
 They affected even the onlookers in a very particular 
 manner, for all whose eyes caught a glimpse of these 
 hideous glances followed them to the object toward 
 which they were darted; the gentlemanly and mild 
 demeanour of that object generally calmed their startled 
 apprehensions; for no one ever yet noted the glances of 
 the young man's eye in the black coat, at the face of his 
 brother, who did not at first manifest strong symptoms of 
 alarm. 
 
 George became utterly confounded; not only at the 
 import of this persecution, but how in the world it came 
 to pass that this unaccountable being knew all his 
 motions, and every intention of his heart, as it were 
 intuitively. On consulting his own previous feelings 
 and resolutions, he found that the circumstances of his 
 going to such and such a place were often the most 
 casual incidents in nature — the caprice of a moment had 
 carried him there, and yet he had never sat or stood 
 many minutes till there was the self-same being, always 
 in the same position with regard to himself, as regularly 
 as the shadow is cast from the substance, or the ray of 
 light from the opposing denser medium. 
 
 For instance, he remembered one day of setting out 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 39 
 
 with the intention of going to attend divine worship in 
 the High Church, and when within a short space of its 
 door, he was overtaken by young Kilpatrick of Closeburn, 
 who was bound to the Grey Friars to see his sweetheart 
 as he said : ' And if you will go with me, Colwan,' said 
 he, ' I will let you see her too, and then you will be just 
 as far forward as -I am.' 
 
 George assented at once, -and went; and after taking 
 his seat, he leaned his head forward on the pew to repeat 
 over to himself a short ejaculatory prayer, as had always 
 been his custom on entering the house of God. When 
 he had done, he lifted his eyes naturally toward that 
 point on his right hand where the fierce apparition of 
 his brother had been wont to meet his view : there he 
 was, in the same habit, form, demeanour, and precise 
 point of distance, as usual ! George again laid down his 
 head, and his mind was so astounded, that he had nearly 
 fallen into a swoon. He tried shortly after to muster up 
 courage to look at the speaker, at the congregation, and 
 at Captain Kilpatrick's sweetheart in particular; but the 
 fiendish glances of the "-young man in the black clothes 
 were too appaling to be withstood — his eye caught them 
 whether he was looking that way or not ; at length his 
 courage was fairly mastered, and he was obliged to look 
 down during the remainder of the service. 
 
 By night or by day it was the same. In the gallery of 
 the Parliament House, in the boxes of the play-house, in 
 the church, in the assembly, in the streets, suburbs, and 
 the fields; and every day, and every hour, from the first 
 rencounter of the two, the attendance became more and 
 more constant, more inexplicable, and altogether more 
 alarming and insufferable, until at last George was fairly 
 driven from society, and forced to spend his days in his 
 
40 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 own and his father's lodgings with closed doors. Even 
 there, he was constantly harassed with the idea, that the 
 next time he lifted his eyes, he would to a certainty see 
 that face, the most repulsive to all his feelings of aught 
 the earth contained. The attendance of that brother was 
 now become like the attendance of a demon on some 
 devoted being that had sold himself to destruction; his 
 approaches as undiscerned, and his looks as fraught with 
 hideous malignity. It was seldom that he saw him either 
 following him in the streets, or entering any house or 
 church after him; he only appeared in his place, George 
 wist not how, or whence; and, having sped so ill in his 
 first friendly approaches, he had never spoken to his 
 equivocal attendant a second time. 
 
 It came at length into George's head, as he was 
 pondering by himself on the circumstances of this extra- 
 ordinary attendance, that perhaps his brother had 
 relented, and, though of so sullen and unaccommodating 
 a temper that he would not acknowledge it, or beg a 
 reconciliation, it might be for that very purpose that he 
 followed his steps night and day in that extraordinary 
 manner. * I cannot for my life see for what other pur- 
 pose it can be,' thought he. * He never offers to attempt 
 my life ; nor dares he, if he had the inclination ; therefore, 
 although his manner is peculiarly repulsive to me, I shall 
 not have my mind burdened with the reflection that my 
 own mother's son yearned for a reconciliation with me, 
 and was repulsed by my haughty and insolent behaviour. 
 The next time he comes to my hand, I am resolved that 
 I will accost him as one brother ought to address another, 
 whatever it may cost me; and, if I am still flouted with 
 disdain, then shall the blame rest with him.' 
 
 After this generous resolution, it was a good while 
 
onfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 41 
 
 before his gratuitous attendant appeared at his side 
 again ; and George began to think that his visits were 
 discontinued. The hope was a rehef that could not be 
 calculated ; but still George had a feeling that it was too 
 supreme to last. His enemy had been too pertinacious 
 to abandon his design, whatever it was. He, however, 
 began to indulge in a little more liberty, and for several 
 days he enjoyed it with impunity. 
 
 George was, from infancy, of a stirring active dis- 
 position, and could not endure confinement ; and having 
 been of late much restrained in his youthful exercises 
 by this singular persecutor, he grew uneasy under such 
 restraint, and, one morning, chancing to awaken very 
 early, he arose to make an excursion to the top of 
 Arthur's Seat, to breathe the breeze of the dawning, 
 and see the sun arise out of the eastern ocean. The 
 morning was calm and serene ; as he walked down the 
 south back of the Canongate, toward the Palace, the 
 haze was so close around him that he could not see the 
 houses on the opposite side of the way. As he passed 
 the lord-commissioner's house, the guards were in 
 attendance, who cautioned him not to go by the Palace, 
 as all the gates would be shut and guarded for an hour 
 to come, on which he went by the back of St Anthony's 
 gardens, and found his way into that little romantic 
 glade adjoining to the Saint's chapel and well. He was 
 still involved in a blue haze, like a dense smoke, but yet 
 in the midst of it the respiration was the most refreshing 
 and delicious. The grass and the flowers were laden 
 with dew ; and, on taking off his hat to wipe his forehead, 
 he perceived that the black glossy fur of which his 
 chaperon was wrought, was all covered with a tissue of 
 the most delicate silver — a fairy web, composed of little 
 
42 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 spheres, so minute that no eye could discern any one of 
 them ; yet there they were shining in lovely millions. 
 Afraid of defacing so beautiful and so delicate a garnish, 
 he replaced his hat with the greatest caution, and went 
 on his way light of heart. 
 
 As he approached the swire at the head of the dell — that 
 little delightful verge from which in one moment the 
 eastern limits and shores of Lothian arise on the view^ 
 as he approached it, I say, and a little space from the 
 height, he beheld, to his astonishment, a bright halo in 
 the cloud of haze, that rose in a semicircle over his head 
 like a pale rainbow. He was struck motionless at the 
 view of the lovely vision; for it so chanced that he had 
 never seen the same appearance before, though common 
 at early morn. But he soon perceived the cause of the 
 phenomenon, and that it proceeded from the rays of the 
 sun from a pure unclouded morning sky striking upon 
 this dense vapour which refracted them. But the better 
 all the works of nature are understood, the more they 
 will be ever admired. That was a scene that would have 
 entranced the man of science with delight, but which the 
 uninitiated and sordid man would have regarded less than 
 the mole rearing up his hill in silence and in darkness. 
 — George did admire this halo of glory, which still grew 
 wider, and less defined, as he approached the surface of 
 the cloud. But to his utter amazement and supreme 
 delight, he found on reaching the top of Arthur's Seat, 
 that this sublunary rainbow, this terrestrial glory, was 
 spread in its most vivid hues beneath his feet. Still he 
 could not perceive the body of the sun, although the 
 light behind him was dazzling ; but the cloud of haze 
 lying dense in that deep dell that separates the hill from 
 the rocks of Salisbury, and the dull shadow of the hill 
 
)nfessIons of a Justified Sinner. 43 
 
 mingling with that cloud, made the dell a pit of darkness. 
 On that shadowy cloud was the lovely rainbow formed, 
 spreading itself on a horizontal plain, and having a slight 
 and brilliant shade of all the colours of the heavenly bow, 
 but all of them paler and less defined. But this terrestrial 
 phenomenon of the early morn cannot be better de- 
 lineated than by the name given of it by the shepherd 
 boys, ' The little wee ghost of the rainbow.' 
 
 Such was the description of the morning, and the wild 
 shades of the hill, that George gave to his father and Mr 
 Adam Gordon that same day on which he had witnessed 
 them ; and it is necessary that the reader should compre- 
 hend something of their nature to Understand what 
 follows. 
 
 He seated himself on the pinnacle of the rocky pre- 
 cipice, a little within the top of the hill to the westward, 
 and, with a light and buoyant heart, viewed the beauties 
 of the morning, and inhaled its salubrious breeze. 
 * Here,' thought he, * I can converse with nature without 
 disturbance, and without being intruded on by any 
 appalling or obnoxious visitor.' The idea of his brother's 
 dark and malevolent looks coming at that moment 
 across his mind, he turned his eyes instinctively to the 
 right, to the point where that unwelcome guest was 
 wont to make his appearance. Gracious Heaven I 
 What an apparition was there presented to his view L 
 He saw, delineated in the cloud, the shoulders, arms, 
 and features of a human being of the most dreadful 
 aspect. The face was the face of his brother, but 
 dilated to twenty times the natural size. Its dark eyes 
 gleamed on him through the mist, while every furrow of 
 its hideous brow frowned deep as the ravines on the 
 brow of the hill. George started, and his hair stood up 
 
44 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 in bristles as he gazed on this horrible monster. He 
 saw every feature, and every line of the face, distinctly, 
 as it gazed on him with an intensity that was hardly 
 brookable. Its eyes were fixed on him, in the same 
 manner as those of some carnivorous animal fixed on its 
 prey ; and yet there was fear and trembling in these 
 unearthly features, as plainly depicted as murderous 
 malice. The gaint apparition seemed sometimes to be 
 cowering down as in terror, so that nothing but its brow 
 and eyes were seen ; still these never turned one moment 
 from their object — again it rose imperceptibly up, and 
 began to approach with great caution ; and as it neared, 
 the dimensions of its form lessened, still continuing, how- 
 ever, far above the natural size. 
 
 George conceived it to be a spirit. He could conceive 
 it to be nothing else ; and he took it for some horrid 
 demon by which he was haunted, that had as- 
 sumed the features of his brother in every linea- 
 ment, but in taking on itself the human form, had 
 miscalculated dreadfully on the size, and presented itself 
 thus to him in a blown-up, dilated frame of embodied 
 air, exhaled from the caverns of death or the regions of 
 devouring fire. He was further confirmed in the belief 
 that it was a maligant spirit, on perceiving that it 
 approached him across the front of a precipice, where 
 there was not footing for thing of mortal frame. 
 Still, what with terror and astonishment, he continued 
 riveted to the spot, till it approached, as he deemed, to 
 within two yards of him ; and then, perceiving that it 
 was setting itself to make a violent spring on him, he 
 started to his feet and fled distractedly in the opposite 
 direction, keeping his eye cast behind him lest he 
 should be seized in that dangerous place. But the 
 
nfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 45 
 
 very first bolt that he made in his flight he came in 
 contact with a real body of flesh and blood, and that 
 with such violence that both went down among some 
 scragged rocks, and George rolled over the other. The 
 being called out ' Murder ; ' and, rising, fled precipitately. 
 George then perceived that it was his brother ; and, 
 being confounded between the shadow and the substance, 
 he knew not what he was doing or what he had done ; 
 and there being only one natural way of retreat from 
 the brink of the rock, he likewise arose and pursued the 
 affrighted culprit with all his speed towards the top of 
 the hill. Wringhim was braying out, ' Murder ! 
 murder ! ' at which George being disgusted, and his 
 spirits all in a ferment from some hurried idea of 
 intended harm, the moment he came up with the craven 
 he seized him rudely by the shoulder, and clapped his 
 hand on his mouth. ' Murder, you beast ! ' said he ; 
 ' what do you mean by roaring out murder in that way ? 
 Who the devil is murdering you, or offering to murder 
 you ? ' 
 
 Wringhim forced his mouth from under his brother's 
 hand, and roared with redoubled energy, ' Eh ! Egh ! 
 murder ! murder ! ' etc. George had felt resolute to put 
 down this shocking alarm, lest someone might hear it 
 and fly to the spot, or draw inferences widely different from 
 the truth ; and perceiving the terror of this elect youth 
 to be so great that expostulation was vain, he seized him 
 by the mouth and nose with his left hand so strenuously 
 that he sunk his fingers into his cheeks. But the 
 poltroon still attempting to bray out, George gave him 
 such a stunning blow with his fist on the left temple that 
 he crumbled, as it were to the ground, but more from the 
 effects of terror than those of the blow. His nose, how- 
 
46 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 ever, again gushed out blood, a system of defence which 
 seemed as natural to him as that resorted to by the race 
 of stinkards. He then raised himself on his knees and 
 hams, and raising up his ghastly face, while the blood 
 streamed over both ears, he besought his life of his 
 brother in the most abject whining manner, gaping and 
 blubbering most piteously. 
 
 ' Tell me then, sir,' said George, resolved to make the 
 most of the wretch's terror — ' tell me for what purpose it 
 is that you thus haunt my steps. Tell me plainly, and 
 instantly, else I will throw you from the verge of that 
 precipice.' 
 
 * Oh, I will never do it again ! I will never do it 
 again ! Spare my life, dear, good brother ! Spare my 
 life ! Sure I never did you any hurt ? ' 
 
 * Swear to me, then, by the God that made you, that 
 you will never henceforth follow after me, to torment 
 me with your hellish threatening looks ; swear that you 
 will never again come into my presence without being 
 invited. Will you take an oath to this effect ? ' 
 
 * O yes ! I will, I will ! ' 
 
 ' But this is not all : you must tell me for what purpose 
 you sought me out here this morning ? ' 
 
 * Oh, brother ! for nothing but your good. I had 
 nothing at heart but your unspeakable profit, and great 
 and endless good.' 
 
 * So then, you indeed knew that I was here ? * 
 
 * I was told so by a friend, but I did not believe him ; 
 a — a — at least I did not know it was true till I saw you.' 
 
 ' Tell me this one thing, then, Robert, and all shall be 
 forgotten and forgiven — ^Who was that friend ? ' 
 
 * You do not know him.* 
 
 * How then does he know me ? ' 
 
►nfessions of a Justified Sinner. ( 47 
 
 ' I cannot tell.' 
 
 * Was he here present with you to-day ? ' 
 
 * Yes ; he was not far distant. He came to this hill 
 with me.* 
 
 ' Where, then, is he now ? ' 
 ' I cannot tell.' 
 
 * Then, wretch, confess that the devil was that friend 
 who told you I was here, and who came here with you ? 
 None else could possibly know of my being here.' 
 
 * Ah ! how little you know of him ! Would you 
 argue that there is neither man nor spirit endowed with 
 so much foresight as to deduce natural conclusions from 
 previous actions and incidents but the devil? Alas, 
 brother ! But why should I wonder at such abandoned 
 notions, and principles ? ,Qt was fore-ordained that you 
 should cherish them, and that they should be the ruin of 
 your soul and body, before the world was framed. Be 
 assured of this, however, that I had no aim in seeking 
 you hut your good ! ' 
 
 ' Well, Robert, I will believe it. I am disposed to be 
 hasty and passionate : it is a fault in my nature ; but I 
 never meant, or wished you evil ; and God is my witness 
 that I would as soon stretch out my hand to my own 
 life, or to my father's, as to yours.' — At these words, 
 Wringhim uttered a hollow exulting laugh, put his hands 
 in his pockets, and withdrew a space to his accustomed 
 distance. George continued : ' And now once for all, I 
 request that we may exchange forgiveness, and that we 
 may part and remain friends.' 
 
 ' Would such a thing be expedient, think you ? Or 
 consistent with the glory of God ? I doubt it.' 
 
 ' I can think of nothing that would be more so. Is it 
 
48 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 not consistent with every precept of the Gospel ? Come, 
 brother, say that our reconciliation is complete.' 
 
 ' Oh yes, certainly ! I tell you brother, according to 
 the flesh : it is just as complete as the lark's is with the 
 adder ; no more so, nor ever can. Reconciled, forsooth ! 
 To what would I be reconciled ? ' 
 
 As he said this, he strode indignantly away. From 
 the moment that he heard his life was safe, he assumed 
 his former insolence and revengeful looks — and never 
 were they more dreadful than on parting with his 
 brother that morning on the top of the hill. ' Well, go 
 thy ways,' said George ; * some would despise, but I pity 
 thee. If thou art not a limb of Satan, I never saw 
 one.' 
 
 The sun had now dispelled the vapours ; and the 
 morning being lovely beyond description, George sat 
 himself down on the top of the hill, and pondered deeply 
 on the unaccountable incident that had befallen to him 
 that morning. He could in nowise comprehend it ; but, 
 taking it with other previous circumstances, he could not 
 get quit of a conviction that he was haunted by some evil 
 genius in the shape of his brother, as well as by that dark 
 and mysterious wretch himself. In no ether way could 
 he account for the apparition he saw that morning on the 
 face of the rock, nor for several sudden appearances of the 
 same being, in places where there was no possibility of 
 any foreknowledge that he himself was to be there, and 
 as little that the same being, if he were flesh and blood 
 like other men, could always start up in the same position 
 with regard to him. He determined, therefore, on reach- 
 ing home, to relate all that had happened, from be- 
 ginning to end, to his father, asking his counsel and his 
 assistance, although he knew full well that his father was 
 
onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 49 
 
 not the fittest man in the world to solve such a problem. 
 He was now involved in party politics, over head and 
 ears ; and, moreover, he could never hear the names of 
 either of the Wringhims mentioned without getting into 
 a quandary of disgust and anger ; and all that he would 
 deign to say of them was, to call them by all the 
 opprobrious names he could invent. 
 
 It turned out as the young man from the first sug- 
 gested : old Dalcastle would listen to nothing concerning 
 them with any patience. George complained that his 
 brother harassed him with his presence at all times and 
 in all places. Old Dal asked why he did not kick the 
 dog out of his presence, whenever he felt him disagree- 
 able ? George said, he seemed to have some demon for 
 a familiar. Dal answered that, he did not wonder a bit 
 at that, for the young spark was the third in a direct line 
 who had all been children of adultery ; and it was well 
 known that all such were born half deils themselves, and 
 nothing was more likely than that they should hold 
 intercourse with their fellows. In the same style did 
 he sympathise with all his son's late sufferings and 
 perplexities. 
 
 In Mr Adam Gordon, however, George found a friend 
 who entered into all his feelings, and had seen and knew 
 everything about the matter. He tried to convince him, 
 that at all events there could be nothing supernatural in 
 the circumstances; and that the vision he had seen on 
 the rock, among the thick mist, was the shadow of his 
 brother approaching behind him. George could not 
 swallow this, for he had seen his own shadow on the 
 cloud, and, instead of approaching to aught like his own 
 figure, he perceived nothing but a halo of glory round a 
 point of the cloud, that was whiter and purer than the 
 
 D 
 
50 The Private Memoirs 
 
 rest. Gordon said, if he would go with him to a 
 mountain of his father's, which he named, in Aberdeen- 
 shire, he would show him a giant spirit of the same 
 dimensions, any morning at the rising of the sun 
 provided he shone on that spot. This statement 
 excited George's curiosity exceedingly ; and, being 
 disgusted with some things about Edinburgh, and glad to 
 get out of the way, he consented to go with Gordon to 
 the Highlands for a space. The day was accordingly set 
 for their departure, the old laird's absent obtained: 
 and the two young sparks parted in a state of great 
 impatience for their excursion. 
 
 One of them found out another engagement, however, 
 the instant after this last was determined on. Young 
 Wringhim went off the hill that morning, and home to 
 his upright guardian again, without washing the blood 
 from his face and neck ; and there he told a most woful 
 story indeed : how he had gone out to take a morning's 
 walk on the hill, where he had encountered with his 
 reprobate brother among the mist, who had knocked him 
 down and very near murdered him ; threatening dread- 
 fully, and with horrid oaths, to throw him from the top 
 of the cliff. 
 
 The wrath of the great divine was kindled beyond 
 measure. He cursed the aggressor in the name of the 
 Most High ; and bound himself, by an oath, to cause 
 that wicked one's transgressions to return upon his own 
 head sevenfold. But before he engaged farther in the 
 business of vengeance, he kneeled with his adopted son, 
 and committed the whole^cause unto the Lord, whom he 
 addressed as one coming breathing burning coals of 
 juniper, and casting his lightnings before him, to destroy 
 and root out all who had moved hand or tongue against 
 
'onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 51 
 
 the children of the promise. Thus did he arise confirmed, 
 and go forth to certain conquest. 
 
 We cannot enter into the detail of the events that now 
 •occurred, without forestalling a part of the narrative of 
 one who knew all the circumstances — was deeply inter- 
 ested in them, and whose relation is of higher value than 
 anything that can be retailed out of the stores of tradi- 
 tion and old registers ; but, his narrative being different 
 from these, it was judged expedient to give the account 
 as thus publicly handed down to us. Suffice it, that, 
 before evening, George was apprehended and lodged in 
 jail, on a criminal charge of an assault and battery, to the 
 shedding of blood, with the intent of committing fratri- 
 cide. Then was the old laird in great consternation, and 
 blamed himself for treating the thing so lightly, which 
 seemed to have been gone about, from the beginning, so 
 systematically and with an intent which the villains were 
 now going to realise, namely, to get the young laird dis- 
 posed of, and then his brother, in spite of the old gentle- 
 man's teeth, would be laird himself. 
 
 Old Dal now set his whole interest to work among the 
 noblemen and lawyers of his party. His son's case 
 looked exceedingly ill, owing to the former assault before 
 witnesses, and the unbecoming expressions made use 
 of by him on that occasion, as well as from the present 
 assault, which George did not deny, and for which no 
 moving cause or motive could be made to appear. 
 
 On his first declaration before the sheriff, matters 
 looked no better ; but then the sheriif was a Whig. It 
 is well known how differently the people of the present 
 day, in Scotland, view the cases of their own party-men. 
 and those of opposite political principles But this day is 
 nothing to that in such matters, although, God knows, 
 
52 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 they are still sometimes barefaced enough. It appeared, 
 from all the witnesses in the first case, that the com- 
 plainant was the first aggressor — that he refused to stand 
 out of the way, though apprised of his danger ; and when 
 his brother came against him inadvertently, he had aimed 
 a blow at him with his foot, which, if it had taken effect, 
 would have killed him. But as to the story of the 
 apparition in fair daylight — the flying from the face of it 
 — the running foul of his brother — pursuing him, and 
 knocking him down, why the judge smiled at the relation; 
 and saying, ' It was a very extraordinary story,' he 
 remanded George to prison, leaving the matter to the 
 High Court of Justiciary. 
 
 When the case came before that court, matters took a 
 different turn. The constant and sullen attendance of 
 the one brother upon the other excited suspicions ; and 
 these were in some manner confirmed, when the guards 
 at Queensberry-house deponed that the prisoner went 
 by them on his way to the hill that morning, about 
 twenty minutes before the complainant, and when the 
 latter passed, he asked if such a young man had passed 
 before him, describing the prisoner's appearance to them ; 
 and that, on being answered in the aflSrmative, he 
 mended his pace and fell a-running. 
 
 The Lord Justice, on hearing this, asked the prisoner 
 if he had any suspicions that his brother had a design on 
 his life. 
 
 He answered, that all along, from the time of their 
 first unfortunate meeting, his brother had dogged his 
 steps so constantly, and so unaccountably, that he was 
 convinced it was with some intent out of the ordinary 
 course of events ; and that if, as his lordship supposed, it 
 was indeed his shadow that he had seen approaching him 
 
onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 53 
 
 through the mist, then, from the cowering and cautious 
 manner that it advanced, there was too httle doubt that 
 his brother's design had been to push him headlong from 
 the cHff that morning. 
 
 A conversation then took place between the Judge 
 and the Lord Advocate ; and, in the meantime, a bustle 
 was seen in the hall ; on which the doors were ordered 
 to be guarded, — and, behold, the precious Mr R. Wringhim 
 was taken into custody, trying to make his escape out of 
 court. Finally it turned out, that George was honourably 
 acquitted, and young Wringhim bound over to keep the 
 peace with heavy penalties and securities. 
 
 That was a day of high exultation to George and his 
 youthful associates, all of whom abhorred Wringhim ; 
 and the evening being spent in great glee, it was agreed 
 between Mr Adam Gordon and George that their visit 
 to the Highlands, though thus long delayed, was not to be 
 abandoned ; and though they had, through the machina- 
 tions of an incendiary, lost the season of delight, they 
 would still find plenty of sport in deer-shooting. Ac- 
 cordingly, the day was set a second time for their 
 departure ; and, on the day preceding that, all the party 
 were invited by George to dine with him once more at 
 the sign of the Black Bull of Norway. Everyone 
 promised to attend, anticipating nothing but festivity and 
 joy. Alas, what short-sighted improvident creatures we 
 are, all of us ; and how often does the evening cup of joy 
 lead to sorrow in the morning ! 
 
 The day arrived — the party of young noblemen and 
 gentlemen met, and were as happy and jovial as men 
 could be. George was never seen so brilliant, or so full 
 of spirits ; and exulting to see so many gallant young 
 chiefs and gentlemen about him, who all gloried in the 
 
The Private Memoirs and 
 
 .ery late hour. By tl^t -e he J ^^^^^ ^^ 
 
 so long and so freely that r^s ^^ ^^^^^ 
 
 of every bram to such ^ Jff ^ ' ^^erbearmg all her 
 
 Reason rather at the s aff s^ en ^^^ -^p^dently 
 
 counsels and ^^^P^^^^^" '/^p^rk, and carried by a 
 proposed by ^-l'^^;f .tlTeUty should adjourn 
 majority of voices, that tne J ; , ^^ 
 
 to i bagnio for the ---^^ .^ t^'what follows, that 
 
 They did so ; and it appea ^^^^ ^^^g. 
 
 t,e hluse to which .^^Vj^Ve street to the Black 
 
 where on the oPP°f ^^^ f ' ^1,^ eastward. They had 
 Bull Inn, a little further to the e ^^^^^^^^^^^ 
 
 not been an hour in tha ^o-j; ^olwan and a Mr 
 chanced to arise l^^"j;° fobleman of distinction. 
 Drunimond, the younger son Ota ^^^^f^^^,,d, to 
 
 It was perfectly casua^^, and no o ,^ .^ ^^^ ^^^ 
 
 this day, could ever f wh^t jt w« ^^ , ^^ ^^^^_ ^ 
 about the -i-"derstanding of - ^^^^ ^.^^ 
 
 . the one had uttered. H°we^^; ^.liowed by threats; 
 passed between them ; these commencement 
 
 and in less than two —^J^^ house in apparent 
 of the quarrel, 0--"^'^ ^^^ that they two should 
 displeasure, hinting to the °we 
 
 Se that 'in a -e — -- p^^e.^ ^^^ ^^^ „^,, 
 The company looked at one ^ ^^^ 
 
 before any of them ^^-w su* J,a onf. 'What ails 
 .What the devil is the -^"er?^^'^ ^^ q„,„elled 
 
 Drummond?' cried another. 
 
 with?' ask^d^*^^'^fc,„.t tell, on my Ufa.'-' He has 
 ' Don't know.'— "-an 
 
onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 55 
 
 quarrelled with his wine, I suppose, and is going to 
 send it a challenge.' 
 
 Such where the questions, and such the answers that 
 passed in the jovial party, and the matter was no more 
 thought of. 
 
 But in the course of a very short space, about the 
 length of which the ideas of the company were the next 
 day at great variance, a sharp rap came to the door : it 
 was opened by a female ; but there being a chain inside, 
 she only saw one side of the person at the door. He 
 appeared to be a young gentleman, in appearance like 
 him who had lately left the house, and asked, in a low 
 whispering voice, *If young Dalcastle was still in the 
 house ? ' The woman did not know. — ' If he is,' added 
 he, ' pray tell him to speak with me for a few minutes.' 
 The woman delivered the message before all the party> 
 among whom there were then sundry courteous ladies 
 of notable distinction, and George, on receiving it, 
 instantly rose from the side of one of them, and said, in 
 the hearing of them all, *I will bet a hundred merks 
 that is Drummond.'—' Don't go to quarrel with him, 
 George,' said one. — ' Bring him in with you,' said 
 another. George stepped out ; the door was again 
 bolted, the chain drawn across, and the inadvertent 
 party, left within, thought no more of the circumstance 
 till the next morning, that the report had spread over the 
 city, that a young gentleman had been slain, on a little 
 washing-green at the side of the North Loch, and at the 
 very bottom of the close where this thoughtless party 
 had been assembled. 
 
 Several of them, on first hearing the report, hasted 
 to the dead-room in the old Guard-house, where the 
 corpse had been deposited, and soon discovered the body 
 
56 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 to be that of their friend and late entertainer, George 
 Colwan. Great were the consternation and grief of all 
 concerned, and in particular, of his old father and Miss 
 Logan; for George had always been the sole hope and 
 darling of both, and the news of the event paralyzed 
 them so as to render them incapable of all thought or 
 exertion. The spirit of the old laird was broken by the 
 blow, and he descended at once from a jolly, good- 
 natured and active man, to a mere driveller, weeping 
 over the body of his son, kissing his wound, his lips, and 
 his cold brow alternately; denouncing vengeance on his 
 murderers, and lamenting that he himself had not met 
 the cruel doom, so that the hope of his race might have 
 been preserved. In short, finding that all further motive 
 of action and object of concern or of love, here below, 
 were for ever removed from him, he abandoned himself to 
 despair, and threatened to go down to the grave with his 
 son. 
 
 But although he made no attempt to discover the 
 murderers, the arm of justice was not idle ; and it being 
 evident to all, that the crime must infallibly be brought 
 home to young Drummond, some of his friends sought 
 him out, and compelled him, sorely against his will, to 
 retire into concealment till the issue of the proof that 
 should be led was made known. At the same time, he 
 denied all knowledge of the incident with a resolution 
 that astonished his intimate friends and relations, who 
 to a man suspected him guilty. His father was not in 
 Scotland, for I think it was said to me that this young 
 man was second son to a John, Duke of Melfort, who 
 lived abroad with the royal family of the Stuarts ; but 
 this young gentleman lived with the relations of his 
 mother, one of whom, an uncle, was a Lord of Session : 
 
onfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 57 
 
 these having thoroughly effected his concealment, went 
 away, and listened to the evidence ; and the examination 
 of every new witness convinced them that their noble 
 young relative was the slayer of his friend. 
 
 All the young gentlemen of the party were examined, 
 save Drummond, who, when sent for, could not be 
 found, which circumstance sorely confirmed the suspicions 
 against him in the minds of judges and jurors, friends 
 and enemies ; and there is little doubt, that the care of 
 his relations in concealing him, injured his character 
 and his cause. The young gentlemen, of whom the 
 party was composed, varied considerably, with respect 
 to the quarrel between him and the deceased. Some 
 of them had neither heard nor noted it ; others had, 
 but not one of them could tell how it began. Some 
 of them had heard the threat uttered by Drummond 
 on leaving the house, and one only had noted him lay 
 his hand on his sword. Not one of them could 
 swear that it was Drummond who came to the door, and 
 desired to speak with the deceased, but the general 
 impression on the minds of them all, was to that effect ; 
 and one of the women swore that she heard the voice 
 distinctly at the door, and every word that voice pro- 
 nounced ; and at the same time heard the deceased say 
 that it was Drummond's. 
 
 On the other hand, there were some evidences on 
 Drummond's part, which Lord Craigie, his uncle, had taken 
 care to collect. He produced the sword which his 
 nephew had worn that night, on which there was 
 neither blood nor blemish; and above all, he insisted on 
 the evidence of a number of surgeons, who declared that 
 both the wounds which the deceased had received, had 
 been given behind. One of these was below the left arm, 
 
58 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 and a slight one; the other was quite through the body, 
 and both evidently inflicted with the same weapon, a 
 two-edged sword, of the same dimensions as that worn 
 by Drummond. 
 
 Upon the whole, there was a division in the court, 
 but a majority decided it. Drummond was pronounced 
 guilty of the murder, outlawed for not appearing, and 
 a high reward offered for his apprehension. It was with 
 the greatest diflSculty that he escaped on board of a small 
 trading vessel, which landed him in Holland, and from 
 thence, flying into Germany, he entered into the service 
 of the Emperor Charles VI. Many regretted that he 
 was not taken, and made to suffer the penalty due for 
 such a crime, and the melancholy incident became a 
 pulpit theme over a great part of Scotland, being held 
 up as a proper warning to youth to beware of such 
 haunts of vice and depravity, the nurses of all that is 
 precipitate, immoral, and base, among mankind. 
 
 After the funeral of this promising and excellent 
 young man, his father never more held up his head. 
 Miss Logan, with all her art, could not get him to 
 attend to any worldly thing, or to make any settlement 
 whatsoever of his affairs, save making her over a present 
 of what disposable funds he had about him. As to his 
 estates, when they were mentioned to him, he wished 
 them all in the bottom of the sea, and himself along 
 with them. But whenever she mentioned the circum- 
 stance of Thomas Drummond having been the murderer 
 of his son, he shook his head, and once made the 
 remark, that ' It was all a mistake, a gross and fatal 
 error ; but that God, who had permitted such a flagrant 
 deed, would bring it to light in His own time and way.' 
 In a few weeks he followed his son to the grave, and 
 
)nfessIons of a Justified Sinner. 59 
 
 the notorious Robert Wringhim took possession of his 
 estates as the lawful son of the late laird, born in 
 wedlock^ and under his father's roof. The investiture 
 was celebrated by prayer, singing of psalms, and religious 
 disputation. The late guardian and adopted father, and 
 the mother of the new laird, presided on the grand 
 occasion, making a conspicuous figure in all the work of 
 the day ; and though the youth himself indulged rather 
 more freely in the bottle than he had ever been seen 
 to do before, it was agreed by all present that there had 
 never been a festivity so sanctified within the great hall 
 of Dalcastle. Then, after due thanks returned, they 
 parted rejoicing in spirit ; which thanks, by the by, 
 consisted wholly in telling the Almighty what He was ; 
 and informing him, with very particular precision, what 
 they were who addressed him ; for Wringhim's whole 
 S3^stem of popular declamation consisted, it seems, in 
 this, — to denounce all men and women to destruction, 
 and then hold out hopes to his adherents that they were 
 the chosen few, included in the promises, and who 
 could never fall away. It would appear that this 
 Pharisaical doctrine is a very delicious one, and the most 
 grateful of all others to the worst characters. 
 
 But the ways of heaven are altogether inscrutable, and 
 soar as far above and beyond the works and the compre- 
 hensions of man, as the sun, flaming in majesty, is above 
 the tiny boy's evening rocket. It is the controller of 
 Nature alone that can bring light out of darkness, and 
 order out of confusion. Who is He that causeth the mole, 
 from his secret path of darkness to throw up the gem, 
 the gold, and the precious ore ? The same that from 
 the mouths of babes and sucklings can extract the perfec- 
 tion of praise, and who can make the most abject of 
 
6o The Private Memoirs and 
 
 His creatures instrumental in bringing the most hidden 
 truths to light. 
 
 Miss Logan had never lost the thought of her late 
 master's prediction, that Heaven would bring to light 
 the truth concerning the untimely death of his son. 
 She perceived that some strange conviction, too horrible 
 for expression, preyed on his mind from the moment 
 that the fatal news reached him, to the last of his exist- 
 ence; and in his last ravings, he uttered some incoherent 
 words about justification by faith alone, and absolute and 
 eternal predestination having been the ruin of his house. 
 These, to be sure, were the words of superannuation, 
 and of the last and severest kind of it; but for all 
 that, they sunk deep into Miss Logan's soul, and at 
 last she began to think with herself, ' Is it possible the 
 Wringhims, and the sophisticating wretch who is in 
 conjunction with them, the mother of my late beautiful 
 and amiable young master, can have effected his destruc- 
 tion ? if so, I will spend my days, and my little patrimony, 
 in endeavours to rake up and expose the unnatural 
 deed.' 
 
 In all her outgoings and incomings, Mrs Logan (as she 
 was now styled) never lost sight of this one object. Every 
 new disappointment only whetted her desire to fish up 
 some particulars concerning it; for she thought so long, 
 and so ardently upon it, that by degrees it became settled 
 in her mind as a sealed truth. And as woman is always 
 most jealous of her own sex in such matters, her suspicions 
 were fixed on her greatest enemy, Mrs Colwan, now the 
 Lady Dowager of Dalcastle. All was wrapt in a chaos of 
 confusion and darkness; but at last, by dint of a thousand 
 sly and secret inquiries, Mrs Logan found out where Lady 
 Dalcastle had been on the night that the murder 
 
onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 6i 
 
 happened, and likewise what company she had kept, as 
 well as some of the comers and goers; and she had hopes 
 of having discovered a cue, which, if she could keep hold 
 of the thread, would lead her through darkness to the 
 light of truth. 
 
 Returning very late one evening from a convocation 
 of family servants, which she had drawn together in order 
 to fish something out of them, her maid having been in 
 attendance on her all the evening, they found on going 
 home, that the house had been broken into, and a number 
 of valuable articles stolen therefrom. Mrs Logan had 
 grown quite heartless before this stroke, having been 
 altogether unsuccessful in her inquiries, and now she 
 began to entertain some resolutions of giving up the 
 fruitless search. 
 
 In a few days thereafter, she received intelligence that 
 her clothes and plate were mostly recovered, and that 
 she for one was bound over to prosecute the depre- 
 dator, provided the articles turned out to be hers, 
 as libelled in the indictment, and as a king's evidence 
 had given out. She was likewise summoned, or re- 
 quested, I know not which, being ignorant of these 
 matters, to go as far as the town of Peebles on Tweedside, 
 in order to survey these articles on such a day, and make 
 affidavit to their identity before the sheriff. She went 
 accordingly : but on entering the town by the North 
 ^ Gate, she was accosted by a poor girl in tattered apparel, 
 ^ I who with great earnestness inquired if her name was not 
 Mrs Logan ? On being answered in the affirmative, she 
 said that the unfortunate prisoner in the tolbooth re- 
 quested her, as she valued all that was dear to her in life, 
 to go and see her before she appeared in court, at the 
 hour of cause, as she (the prisoner) had something of the 
 
62 The Private Memoirs and! 
 
 greatest moment to impart to her. Mrs Logan's 
 curiosity was excited, and she followed the girl straight to 
 the tolbooth, who by the way said to her, that she would 
 find in the prisoner a woman of a superior mind, who 
 had gone through all the vicissitudes of life. * She has 
 been very unfortunate, and I fear very wicked,' added the 
 poor thing, * but she is my mother, and God knows, with 
 all her faults and failings, she has never been unkind to 
 me. You, madam, have it in your power to save her ; 
 but she has wronged you, and therefore if you will not 
 do it for her sake, do it for mine, and the God of the 
 fatherless will reward you.' 
 
 Mrs Logan answered her with a cast of the head, and a 
 hem ! and only remarked that * The guilty must not 
 always be suffered to escape, or what a world must we be 
 doomed to live in ! ' 
 
 She was admitted to the prison, and found a tall 
 emaciated figure, who appeared to have once possessed a 
 sort of masculine beauty in no ordinary degree, but was 
 now considerably advanced in years. She viewed Mrs 
 Logan with a stern, steady gaze, as if reading her features 
 as a margin to her intellect ; and when she addressed her 
 it was not with that humility, and agonised fervour, which 
 are natural for one in such circumstances to address 
 to another, who has the power of her life and death 
 in her hands. 
 
 * I am deeply indebted to you for this timely visit, Mrs 
 Logan,' said she. * It is not that I value life, or because I 
 fear death, that I have sent for you so expressly. But 
 the manner of the death that awaits me, has something 
 peculiarly revolting in it to a female mind. Good God ! 
 when I think of being hung up, a spectacle to a gazing, 
 gaping multitude, with numbers of which I have had 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 63 
 
 intimacies and connexions, that would render the moment 
 of parting so hideous, that, beheve me, it rends to flinders 
 a soul born for another sphere than that in which it has 
 moved, had not the vile selfishness of a lordly fiend 
 ruined all my prospects, and all my hopes. Hear me 
 then ; for I do not ask your pity ; I only ask of you to 
 look to yourself, and behave with womanly prudence. If 
 you deny this day that these goods are yours, there is no 
 other evidence whatever against my life, and it is safe for 
 the present. For as for the word of the wretch who has 
 betrayed me, it is of no avail ; he has prevaricated so 
 notoriously to save himself. If you deny them, you shall 
 have them all again to the value of a mite, and more to 
 the bargain. If you swear to the identity of them, the 
 process will, one way and another, cost you the half of 
 what they are worth.' 
 
 ' And what security have I for that ? ' said Mrs Logan. 
 
 ' You have none but my word^ said the other proudly, 
 * and that never yet was violated. If you cannot take 
 that, I know the worst you can do. — But I had forgot — 
 I have a poor helpless child without, waiting, and starving 
 about the prison door ; surely it was of her that I wished 
 to speak. This shameful death of mine will leave her in 
 a deplorable state.' 
 
 ' The girl seems to have candour and strong affections,' 
 said Mrs Logan ; ' I grievously mistake if such a child 
 would not be a thousand times better without such a 
 guardian and director.' 
 
 ' Then will you be so kind as come to the Grass 
 Market, and see me put down ? ' said the prisoner. * I 
 thought a woman would estimate a woman's and a 
 mother's feelings, when such a dreadful throw was at 
 stake, at least in part. But you are callous, and have 
 
64 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 never known any feelings but those of subordination to 
 your old unnatural master. Alas, I have no cause of 
 offence ! I have wronged you ; and justice must take its 
 course. Will you forgive me before we part ? ' 
 
 Mrs Logan hesitated, for her mind ran on something 
 else : on which the other subjoined, ' No, you will not 
 forgive me, I see. But you will pray to God to forgive 
 me ? I know you will do that'' 
 
 Mrs Logan heard not this jeer, but looking at the 
 prisoner with an absent, stupid stare, she said, ' Did you 
 know my late master ? ' 
 
 * Ay, that I did, and never for any good,' said she. ' I 
 knew the old and the young spark both, and was by when 
 the latter was slain.' 
 
 This careless sentence affected Mrs Logan in a most 
 peculiar manner, A shower of tears burst from her eyes 
 ere it was done, and when it was, she appeared like one 
 bereaved of her mind. She first turned one way and 
 then another, as if looking for something she had 
 dropped. She seemed to think she had lost her eyes, 
 instead of her tears, and at length, as by instinct, she 
 tottered close up to the prisoner's face, and looking wist- 
 fully and joyfully in it, said, with breathless earnestness, 
 ' Pray, mistress, what is your name ? ' 
 
 ' My name is Arabella Calvert,' said the other : ' Miss, 
 Mistress, or widow, as you choose, for I have been all the 
 three, and that not once or twice only — Ay, and some- 
 thing beyond all these. But as for you, you have never 
 been anything ! ' 
 
 ' Ay, ay ! and so you are Bell Calvert ? Well I 
 thought so — I thought so,' said Mrs Logan ; and helping 
 herself to a seat, she came and sat down close by the 
 prisoner's knee. ' So you are indeed Bell Calvert, so- 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 65 
 
 called once. Well, of all the world you are the woman 
 
 whom I have longed and travailed the most to see. But 
 
 m you were invisible ; a being to be heard of, not seen.' 
 
 K 'There have been days, madam,' returned she, 'when 
 
 P I was to be seen, and when there were few to be seen 
 
 like me. But since that time there have indeed been 
 
 days on which I was not to be seen. My crimes have 
 
 been great, but my sufferings have been greater : so 
 
 great, that neither you nor the world can ever either 
 
 know or conceive them. I hope they will be taken into 
 
 account by the Most High. Mine have been crimes of 
 
 utter desperation. But whom am I speaking to ! You 
 
 had better leave me to myself, mistress.' 
 
 ' Leave you to yourself ? That I will be loth to do, 
 till you tell me where you were that night my young 
 master was murdered ? ' 
 
 ' Where the devil would, I was ! Will that suffice you ? 
 Ah, it was a vile action ! A night to be remembered that 
 was ! — Won't you be going ? I want to trust my 
 daughter with a commission.' 
 
 'No, Mrs Calvert, you and I part not, till you have 
 divulged that mystery to me.' 
 
 'You must accompany me to the other world, then, 
 for you shall not have it in this.' 
 
 'If you refuse to answer me, I can have you before 
 a tribunal, where you shall be sifted to the soul.' 
 
 ' Such miserable inanity ! What care I for your 
 threatenings of a tribunal ? I who must so soon stand 
 before my last earthly one ? What could the word of 
 such a culprit avail ? Or if it could, where is the judge 
 that could enforce it ? ' 
 
 'Did you not say that there was some mode of ac- 
 commodating matters on that score ? ' 
 
 E 
 
66 The Private Memoirs ai-i 
 
 'Yes, I prayed you to grant me my life, which is in 
 your power. The saving of it would not have cost you a 
 plack, yet you refused to do it. The taking of it will 
 cost you a great deal, and yet to that purpose you 
 adhere. I can have no parley with such a spirit. I 
 would not have my life in a present from its motions, 
 nor would I exchange courtesies with its possessor.' 
 
 * Indeed, Mrs Calvert, since ever we met, I have been 
 so busy thinking about who you might be, that I know 
 not what you have been proposing. I believe I meant 
 to do what I could to save you. But once for all, tell me 
 everything that you know concerning that amiable 
 young gentleman's death, and here is my hand there 
 shall be nothing wanting that I can effect for you.' 
 
 'No, I despise all barter with such mean and selfish 
 curiosity ; and, as I believe that passion is stronger with 
 you, than fear is with me, we part on equal terms. Do 
 your worst i; and my secret shall go to the gallows and 
 the grave with me.' 
 
 Mrs Logan was now greatly confounded, and after 
 proffering in vain to concede everything she could ask in 
 exchange, for the particulars relating to the murder, she 
 became the suppliant in her turn. But the unaccountable 
 culprit, exulting in her advantage, laughed her to scorn ; 
 and finally, in a paroxysm of pride and impatience, 
 called in the jailor, and had her expelled, ordering him 
 in her hearing, not to grant her admittance a second 
 time, on any pretence. 
 
 Mrs Logan was now hard put to it, and again driven 
 almost to despair. She might have succeeded in the 
 attainment of that she thirsted for most in life so easily, 
 had she known the character which she had to deal 
 with — had she known to have soothed her high and 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 67 
 
 afflicted spirit : but that opportunity was past, and 
 the hour of examination at hand. She once thought 
 of going and claiming her articles, as she at first 
 intended ; but then, when she thought again of the 
 Wringhims swaying it at Dalcastle, where she had 
 been wont to hear them held in such contempt, if not 
 abhorrence, and perhaps of holding it by the most 
 diabolical means, she was withheld from marring the 
 only chance that remained of having a glimpse into that 
 mysterious affair. 
 
 Finally she resolved not to answer to her name in the 
 court, rather than to appear and assert a falsehood, 
 which she might be called on to certify by oath. She did 
 so ; and heard the Sheriff give orders to the officers to 
 make inquiry for Miss Logan from Edinburgh, at the 
 various places of entertainment in town, and to expedite 
 her arrival in court, as things of great value w^ere in 
 dependence. She also heard the man who turned king's 
 evidence against the prisoner, examined for the second 
 time, and sifted more cunningly. His answers gave 
 anything but satisfaction to the Sheriff, though Mrs 
 Logan believed them to be mainly truth. But there 
 were a few questions and answers that struck her above 
 all others. 
 
 ' How long is it since Mrs Calvert and you became 
 acquainted ? ' 
 
 ' About a year and a half.' 
 
 ' State the precise time, if you please ; the day, 
 or night, according to your remembrance.' 
 
 ' It was on the morning of the 28th of February, 1705.' 
 
 ' What time of the morning ? ' 
 
 ' Perhaps about one.' 
 
 ' So early as that ? At what place did you meet then ? ' 
 
58 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 *It was at the foot of one of the north wynds of 
 Edinburgh.' 
 
 ' Was it by appointment that you met ? ' 
 
 ' No, it was not.' 
 
 ' For what purpose was it then ? * 
 
 ' For no purpose.' 
 
 ' How is it that you chance to remember the day and 
 hour so minutely, if you met that woman, whom you 
 have accused, merely by chance, and for no manner of 
 purpose, as you must have met others that night, perhaps 
 to the amount of hundreds, in the same way ? ' 
 
 ' I have good cause to remember it, my lord.' 
 
 'What was that cause? — No;' answer? — You don't 
 choose to say what that cause was ? ' 
 
 ' I am not at liberty to tell' 
 
 The Sheriff then descended to other particulars, all of 
 which tended to prove that the fellow was an accom- 
 plished villain, and that the principal share of the 
 atrocities had been committed by him. Indeed the 
 Sheriff hinted, that he suspected the only share Mrs 
 Calvert had in them, was in being too much in his 
 company, and too true to him. The case was remitted to 
 the Court of Justiciary ; but Mrs Logan had heard 
 enough to convince her that the culprits first met at the 
 very spot, and the very hour, on which George Colwan 
 was slain ; and she had no doubt that they were 
 incendiaries set on by his mother, to forward her own 
 and her darling son's way to opulence. Mrs Logan was 
 wrong, as will appear in the sequel ; but her antipathy to 
 Mrs Colwan made her watch the event with all care. She 
 never quitted Peebles as long as Bell Calvert remained 
 there, and when she was removed to Edinburgh, the 
 other followed. When the trial came on, Mrs Logan 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 69 
 
 and her maid were again summoned as witnesses before 
 the jury, and compelled by the prosecutor for the Crown 
 to appear. 
 
 The maid was first called; and when she came into the 
 witnesses' box, the anxious and hopeless looks of the 
 prisoner were manifest to all; but the girl, whose name, 
 she said, was Bessy Gillies, answered in so flippant and 
 fearless a way, that the auditors were much amused. 
 After a number of routine questions, the depute-advocate 
 asked her if she was at home on the morning of the 
 fifth of September last, when her mistress's house was 
 robbed ? 
 
 ' Was I at hame, say ye ? Na, faith-ye, lad ! An' I 
 had been at hame, there had been mair to dee. I wad 
 hae raised sic a yelloch 1 ' 
 
 ' Where were you that morning ? ' 
 
 * Where was I, say you ? I was in the house where my 
 mistress was, sitting dozing an' half sleeping in the 
 kitchen. I thought aye she would be setting out every 
 minute, for twa hours.' 
 
 * And when you went home, what did you find ? ' 
 
 ' What found we ? Be my sooth, we found a broken 
 lock, an' toom kists.' 
 
 ' Relate some of the particulars, if you please.' 
 
 ' Oh, sir, the thieves didna stand upon particulars : they 
 were halesale dealers in a' our best wares.' 
 
 ' I mean, what passed between your mistress and you 
 on the occasion ? ' 
 
 ' What passed, say ye ? Oh, there wasna muckle : I 
 was in a great passion, but she was dung doitrified a wee 
 When she gaed to put the key i' the door, up it flew to 
 the fer wa' — *' Bess, ye jaud, what's the meaning o' this ? " 
 quo she. '' Ye hae left the door open, ye tawpie ! " quo 
 
70 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 she. " The ne'er o' that I did," quo I, " or may my shankel 
 bane never turn another key." When we got the candle 
 lightit, a' the house was in a hoad-road. "Bessie, my 
 woman," quo she, "we are baith ruined and undone 
 creatures." "The deil a bit," quo I; "that I deny posi- 
 tively." H'mh ! to speak o' a lass o* my age being ruined 
 and undone ! I never had muckle except what was within 
 a good jerkin, an' let the thief ruin me there wha can.' 
 
 ' Do you remember aught else that your mistress said 
 on the occasion ? Did you hear her blame any person ? ' 
 
 * O, she made a great deal o' grumphing an' groaning 
 about the misfortune^ as she ca'd it, an' I think she said 
 it was a part o' the ruin wrought by the Ringans, or some 
 sic name — " they'll hae't a' ! they'll hae't a' ! " cried she, 
 wringing her hands ; " they'll hae't a', an' hell wi't, an' 
 they'll get them baith." " Aweel, that's aye some satis- 
 faction," quo L' 
 
 ' Whom did she mean by the Ringans, do you know ? ' 
 ' I fancy they are some creatures that she has dreamed 
 
 about, for I think there canna be as ill folks living as she 
 
 ca's them.' 
 
 ' Did you never hear her say that the prisoner at the 
 
 bar there, Mrs Calvert, or Bell Calvert, was the robber of 
 
 her house; or that she was one of the Ringans ? ' 
 
 * Never. Somebody tauld her lately, that ane Bell 
 Calvert robbed her house, but she disna believe it. 
 Neither do I.' 
 
 ' What reasons have you for doubting it ? ' 
 
 * Because it was nae woman's fingers that broke up the 
 bolts an' the locks that were torn open that night.' 
 
 ' Very pertinent, Bessie. Come then within the bar, 
 and look at these articles on the table. Did you ever 
 see these silver spoons before ? ' 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 71 
 
 'I hae seen some very like them, and whaever has 
 seen siller spoons, has done the same.' 
 
 ' Can you swear you never saw them before ? ' 
 
 ' Na, na, I wadna swear to ony siller spoons that ever 
 war made, unless I had put a private mark on them wi 
 my ain hand, an' that's what I never did to ane.' 
 
 ' See, they are all marked with a C 
 
 ' Sae are a' the spoons in Argyle, an' the half o' them 
 in Edinburgh I think. A C is a very common letter, an' 
 so are a' the names that begin wi't. Lay them by, lay 
 them by, an' gie the poor woman her spoons again. 
 They are marked wi' her ain name, an' I hae little doubt 
 they are hers, an' that she has seen better days.' 
 
 *Ah, God bless her heart!' sighed the prisoner; and 
 that blessing was echoed in the breathings of many a 
 feeling breast. 
 
 ' Did you ever see this gown before, think you ? ' 
 
 ' I hae seen ane very like it.' 
 
 ' Could you not swear that gown was your mistress's 
 once ? ' 
 
 ' No, unless I saw her hae't on, an' kend that she had 
 paid for't. I am very scrupulous about an oath. Like is 
 an ill mark. Sae ill indeed, that I wad hardly swear to 
 onything.' 
 
 * But you say that gown is very like one your mistress 
 used to wear.' 
 
 * I never said sic a thing. It is like one I hae seen her 
 hae out airing on the hay raip i' the back green. It is 
 very like ane I hae seen Mrs Butler in the Grass Market 
 wearing too ; I rather think it is the same. Bless you, 
 sir, I wadna swear to my ain fore-finger, if it had been as 
 lang out o' my sight, an' brought in an' laid on that table.' 
 
 * Perhaps you are not aware, girl, that this scrupulous 
 
72 
 
 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 ness of yours is likely to thwart the purposes of justice, 
 and bereave your mistress of property to the amount of a 
 thousand merks ? ' (From the Judge.) 
 
 '■ I canna help that, my lord : that's her lookout. For 
 my part, I am resolved to keep a clear conscience, till I 
 be married, at any rate.' 
 
 ' Look over these things, and see if there is any one 
 article among them which you can fix on as the property 
 of your mistress.' 
 
 ' No ane o' them, sir, no ane o' them. An oath is an 
 awfu' thing, especially when it is for life or death. Gie 
 the poor woman her things again, an' let my mistress 
 pick up the next she finds : that's my advice.' 
 
 When Mrs Logan came into the box, the prisoner 
 groaned, and laid down her head. But how was she 
 astonished when she heard her deliver herself something 
 to the following purport ! — That whatever penalties she 
 was doomed to abide, she was determined she would not 
 bear witness against a woman's life, from a certain con- 
 viction that it could not be a woman who broke her house. 
 ' I have no doubt that I may find some of my own things 
 there,' added she, ' but if they were found in her possession, 
 she has been made a tool, or the dupe, of an infernal set, 
 who shall be nameless here. I believe she did not rob me, 
 and for that reason I will have no hand in her condemna- 
 tion.' 
 
 The Judge. ' This is the most singular perversion I 
 have ever witnessed. Mrs Logan, I entertain strong 
 suspicions that the prisoner or her agents, have made 
 some agreement with you on this matter, to prevent 
 the course of justice.' 
 
 ' So far from that, my Lord. I went into the jail at 
 Peebles to this woman, whom I had never seen before, 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 'ji 
 
 and proffered to withdraw my part in the prosecution, 
 as well as my evidence, provided she would tell me a few 
 simple facts ; but she spurned at my offer, and had me 
 turned insolently out of the prison, with order to the 
 jailor never to admit me again on any pretence.' 
 
 The prisoner's counsel taking hold of this evidence, 
 addressed the jury with great fluency ; and finally the 
 prosecution was withdrawn, and the prisoner dismissed 
 from the bar with a severe reprimand for her past 
 conduct, and an exhortation to keep better company. 
 
 It was not many days till a caddy came with a large 
 parcel to Mrs Logan's house, which parcel he delivered 
 into her hands, accompanied with a sealed note, con- 
 taining an inventory of the articles, and a request to 
 know if the unfortunate Arabella Calvert would be 
 admitted to converse with Mrs Logan. 
 
 Never was there a woman so much overjoyed as Mrs 
 Logan was at this message. She returned compliments ; 
 would be most happy to see her ; and no article of the 
 parcel should be looked at, or touched, till her arrival. — 
 It was not long till she made her appearance, dressed in 
 somewhat better style than she had yet seen her ; de- 
 livered her over the greater part of the stolen property, 
 besides many things that either had belonged to Mrs 
 Logan, or that she thought proper to deny, in order that 
 the other might retain them. 
 
 The tale that she told of her misfortunes was of the 
 most distressing nature, and was enough to stir up all 
 the tender, as well as abhorrent feelings in the bosom 
 of humanity. She had suffered every deprivation in 
 fame, fortune, and person. She had been imprisoned ; 
 she had been scourged, and branded as an imposter ; 
 and all on account of her resolute and unmoving fidelity 
 
74 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 and truth to several of the very worst of men, everyone 
 of whom had abandoned her to utter destitution and 
 shame. But this story we cannot enter on at present, 
 as it would perhaps mar the thread of our story, as much 
 as it did the anxious anticipations of Mrs Logan, who 
 sat pining and longing for the relation that follows. 
 
 * Now I know, Mrs Logan, that you are expecting a 
 detail of the circumstances relating to the death of 
 George Colwan ; and in gratitude for your unbounded 
 generosity and disinterestedness, I will tell you all that 
 I know, although for causes that will appear obvious to 
 you, I had determined never in life to divulge one 
 circumstance of it. I can tell you, however, that you 
 will be disappointed, for it was not the gentleman who 
 was accused, found guilty, and would have suffered the 
 utmost penalty of the law, had he not made his escape. 
 // was not he^ I say, who slew your young master, nor 
 had he any hand in it.' 
 
 ^ I never thought he had. But, pray, how do you 
 come to know this ? ' 
 
 ' You shall hear. I had been abandoned in York, by 
 an artful and consummate fiend ; found guilty of being 
 art and part concerned in the most heinous atrocities, 
 and, in his place, suffered what I yet shudder to think 
 of. I was banished the county — begged my way with 
 my poor outcast child up to Edinburgh, and was there 
 obliged, for the second time in my life, to betake myself 
 to the most degrading of all means to support two 
 wretched lives. I hired a dress, and betook me, 
 shivering, to the High Street, too well aware that my 
 form and appearance would soon draw me suitors enow 
 at that throng and intemperate time of the parliament. 
 On my very first stepping out to the street, a party of 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 75 
 
 young gentlemen was passing. I heard by the noise 
 they made, and the tenor of their speech, that they were 
 more than mellow, and so I resolved to keep near them, 
 in order, if possible, to make some of them my prey. 
 But just as one of them began to eye me, I was rudely 
 thrust into a narrow close by one of the guardsmen. I 
 had heard to what house the party was bound, for the 
 men were talking exceedingly loud, and making no 
 secret of it : so I hasted down the close, and round 
 below to the one where their rendezvous was to be ; but 
 I was too late ; they were all housed and the door 
 bolted. I resolved to wait, thinking they could not all 
 stay long ; but I was perishing with famine, and was 
 like to fall down. The moon shone as bright as day, 
 and I perceived by a sign at the bottom of the close, 
 that there was a small tavern of a certain description 
 up two stairs there. Ii went up and called, telling the 
 mistress of the house my plan. She approved of it 
 mainly, and offered me her best apartment, provided I 
 could get one of these noble mates to accompany me. 
 She abused Lucky Sudds, as she called her, at the inn 
 where the party was, envying her huge profits, no doubt, 
 and giving me afterwards something to drink, for which I 
 really felt exceedingly grateful in my need. I stepped 
 downstairs in order to be on the alert. The moment 
 that I reached the ground, the door of Lucky Sudds' 
 house opened and shut, and down came the Honourable 
 Thomas Drummond, with hasty and impassioned 
 strides, his sword rattling at his heel. I accosted him 
 in a soft and soothing tone. He was taken with my 
 address ; for he instantly stood still and gazed intently at 
 me, then at the place, and then at me again. I beckoned 
 him to follow me, which he did without further cere- 
 
76 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 mony, and we soon found ourselves together in the best 
 room of a house where everything was wretched. He still 
 looked about him, and at me ; but all this while he had 
 never spoken a word. At length, I asked if he would 
 take any refreshment ; " If you please," said he. I asked 
 what he would have? but he only answered, "What- 
 ever you choose, madam." If he was taken with my 
 address, I was much more taken with his ; for he was a 
 complete gentleman, and a gentleman will ever act as 
 one. At length, he began as follows : 
 
 ' " I am utterly at a loss to account for this adventure, 
 madam. It seems to me like enchantment, and I can 
 hardly believe my senses. An English lady I judge, 
 and one, who from her manner and address should be- 
 long to the first class of society, in such a place as this, 
 is indeed matter of wonder to me. At the foot of a 
 close in Edinburgh ! and at this time of night ! Surely 
 it must have been no common reverse of fortune that 
 reduced you to this ? " I wept, or pretended to do so ; 
 on which he added. " Pray, madam, take heart. Tell 
 me what has befallen you ; and if I can do anything 
 for you, in restoring you to your country or your friends 
 you shall command my interest." 
 
 * I had great need of a friend then, and I thought now 
 was the time to secure one. So I began and told him 
 the moving tale I have told you. But I soon perceived 
 that I had kept by the naked truth too unvarnishedly, 
 and thereby quite overshot my mark. When he learned 
 that he was sitting in a wretched corner of an irregular 
 house, with a felon, who had so lately been scourged, 
 and banished as a swindler and imposter, his modest 
 nature took the alarm, and he was shocked, instead of 
 being moved with pity. His eye fixed on some of the 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. ^'j 
 
 casual stripes on my arm, and from that moment he be- 
 came restless and impatient to be gone. I tried some 
 gentle arts to retain him, but in vain ; so, after paying 
 both the landlady and me for pleasures he had neither 
 tasted nor asked, he took his leave. 
 
 ' I showed him downstairs ; and just as he turned the 
 corner of the next land, a man came rushing violently 
 by him, exchanged looks with him and came running 
 up to me. He appeared in great agitation, and was 
 quite out of breath ; and, taking my hand in his, we 
 ran up stairs together without speaking, and were in- 
 stantly in the apartment I had left, where a stoup of 
 wine still stood untasted. "Ah this is fortunate ! " said 
 my new spark, and helped himself. In the mean while, as 
 our apartment was a corner one, and looked both east 
 and north, I ran to the easter casement to look after 
 Drummond. Now, note me well : I saw him going 
 eastward in his tartans and bonnet, and the gilded hilt 
 of his claymore glittering in the moon ; and at the very 
 same time, I saw two men, the one in black, and the 
 other likewise in tartans, coming towards the steps from 
 the opposite bank, by the foot of the loch ; and I saw 
 Drummond and they eyeing each other as they passed. 
 I kept view of him till he vanished towards Leith Wynd, 
 and by that time the strangers had come close up under 
 our window. This is what I wish you to pay particular 
 attention to. I had only lost sight of Drummond (who 
 had given me his name and address), for the short space 
 of time that we took in running up one pair of short 
 stairs ; and during that space he had halted a moment, 
 for, when I got my eye on him again he had not crossed 
 the mouth of the next entry, nor proceeded above ten 
 or twelve paces, and, at the same time^ I saw the two 
 
yS The Private Memoirs and 
 
 men coming down the bank on the opposite side of the 
 loch, at about three hundred paces' distance. Both he 
 and they were distinctly in my view, and never within 
 speech of each other, until he vanished into one of the 
 wynds leading toward the bottom of the High Street, at 
 which precise time the two strangers came below my 
 window ; so that it was quite clear he neither could be one 
 of them, nor have any communication with them. 
 
 ' Yet, mark me again ; for of all things I have ever seen, 
 this was the most singular. When I looked down at 
 the two strangers, ojie of them was extremely like 
 Driimmond. So like was he that there was not one 
 item in dress, form, feature, nor voice, by which I could 
 distinguish the one from the other. I was certain it was 
 not he, because I had seen the one going and the other 
 approaching at the same time, and my impression at the 
 moment was, that I looked upon some spirit, or demon, 
 in his likeness. I felt a chillness creep all round my 
 heart, my knees tottered, and, withdrawing my head 
 from the open casement that lay in the dark shade, I 
 said to the man who was with me, ^' Good God, what is 
 this ! " 
 
 ' " What is it, my dear," said he, as much alarmed as I 
 was. 
 
 ' " As I live, there stands an apparition ! " said I. 
 
 ' He was not so much afraid when he heard me say so, 
 and peeping cautiously out, he looked and listened a 
 while, and then drawing back, he said in a whisper, 
 " They are both living men, and one of them is he I 
 passed at the corner." 
 
 '"That he is not," said I emphatically. ''To that I 
 will make oath." 
 
 ' He smiled and shook his head, and then added, " I 
 
nfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 79 
 
 never then saw a man before, whom I could not know 
 S again, particularly if he was the very last I had seen. 
 But w^hat matters it whether it be or not ? As it is no 
 concern of ours, let us sit down and enjoy ourselves." 
 
 ' " But it does matter a very great deal with me, sir." 
 said I. — "Bless me, my head is giddy— my breath quite 
 gone, and I feel as if I were surrounded with fiends ! 
 "Who are you, sir ? " 
 
 ' " You shall know that ere we two part, my love,' said 
 he : "I cannot conceive why the return of this young 
 gentleman to the spot he so lately left should discompose 
 you ! I suppose he got a glance of you as he passed, and 
 has returned to look after you, and that is the whole 
 secret of the matter." 
 
 '"If you will be so civil as to walk out and join him 
 then, it will oblige me hugely," said I, "for I never in 
 my life experienced such boding apprehensions of evil 
 company. I cannot conceive how you should come up 
 here without asking my permission ? Will it please you 
 to begone, sir ? " — I was within an ace of prevailing. He 
 took out his purse — I need not say more — I was bribed 
 to let him remain. Ah, had I kept by my frail resolution 
 of dismissing him at that moment, what a world of shame 
 and misery had been evited ! But that though upper- 
 most still in my mind, has nothing ado here. 
 
 * When I peeped over again, the two men were disput- 
 ing in a whisper, the one of them in violent agitation and 
 terror, and the other upbraiding him, and urging him on 
 to some desperate act. At length I heard the young man 
 in Highland garb say indignantly, " Hush, recreant ! It 
 is God's work which you are commissioned to execute, 
 and it must be done. But if you positively decline it, I 
 will do it myself, and do you beware of the consequences." 
 
8o The Private Memoir , 
 
 and 
 
 * "Oh, I will, I will ! " cried the other in black clothes i. 
 a wretched beseeching tone. " You shall instruct me h 
 this, as in all things else." 
 
 ' I thought all this while I was closely concealed fron 
 them, and wondered not a little when he in tartans gavt 
 me a sly nod, as much as to say, " What do you think o'. 
 this ? " or " Take note of what you see," or something tc 
 that effect, from which I perceived, that whatever he wa^ 
 about, he did not wish it to be kept a secret. For al. 
 that I was impressed with a terror and anxiety that 1 
 could not overcome, but it only made me mark every 
 event with the more intense curiosity. The Highlander 
 whom I still could not help regarding as the evil geniu; 
 of Thomas Drummond, performed every action as wit! 
 the quickness of thought. He concealed the youth ii 
 black in a narrow entry, a little to the westward of m} 
 windows, and as he was leading him across the moonlit 
 green by the shoulder, I perceived, for the first time, tha 
 both of them were armed with rapiers. He pushed hin 
 without resistance into the dark shaded close, mad 
 another signal to me, and hasted up the close to Luck; 
 Sudds' door. The city and the morning were so sti 
 that I heard every word that was uttered, on putting m 
 head out a little. He knocked at the door sharply, an 
 after waiting a considerable space, the bolt was drawn 
 and the door, as I conceived, edged up as far as the mass} 
 chain would let it. " Is young Dalcastle still in the 
 house ? " said he sharply. 
 
 ' I did not hear the answer, but I heard him say shortl}; 
 after, "If he is, pray tell him to speak with me for a few 
 minutes." He then withdrew from the door, and came 
 slowly down the close in a lingering manner, looking oft 
 behind him. Dalcastle came out ; advanced a few steps 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 8i 
 
 after him, and then stood still, as if hesitating whether or 
 not he should call out a friend to accompany him ; and 
 that instant the door behind him was closed, chained, and 
 the iron bolt drawn ; on hearing of which he followed 
 his adversar}' without further hesitation. As he passed 
 below my window, I heard him say, " I beseech you, Tom, 
 let us do nothing in this matter rashly," but I could not 
 hear the answer of the other, who had turned the corner. 
 
 ' I roused up my drowsy companion, who was leaning on 
 the bed, and we both looked together from the north 
 window. We were in the shade, but the moon shone 
 full on the two young gentlemen. Young Dalcastle was 
 visibly the worse of liquor, and his back being turned 
 towards us, he said something to the other which I could 
 not make out, although he spoke a considerable time, and, 
 from his tones and gestures, appeared to be reasoning. 
 When he had done, the tall young man in the tartans 
 drew his sword, and his face being straight to us, we 
 heard him say distinctl}', "No more words about it, 
 George, if you please; but if you be a man, as I take you 
 to be. draw your sword, and let us settle it here.'' 
 
 ' Dalcastle drew his sword without changing his 
 attitude; but he spoke with more warmth, for we heard 
 his words, "Think you that I fear you, Tom? Be 
 assured, sir, I would not fear ten of the best of your 
 name, at each other's backs : all that I want is to have 
 friends with us to see fair play, for if you close with me 
 you are a dead man.'' 
 
 • The other stormed at these words. " You are a 
 braggart, sir," cried he, " a wretch — a blot upon the cheek 
 of nature— a blight on the Christian world — a reprobate 
 — I'll have your soul, sir — you must play tennis, and put 
 down elect brethren in another world to-morrow." As 
 
 F 
 
82 The Private Memoirs an(. 
 
 he said this, he brandished his rapier, exciting Dalcastle 
 to offence- He gained his point; the latter, who had 
 previously drawn, advanced in upon his vapouring and 
 hcentious antagonist, and a fierce combat ensued. My 
 companion was delighted beyond measure, and I could 
 not keep him from exclaiming, loud enough to have been 
 heard, " that's grand ! that's excellent ! " For me, my 
 heart quaked like an aspen. Young Dalcastle either had 
 a decided advantage over his adversary, or else the other 
 thought proper to let him have it; for he shifted, and 
 wore, and flitted from Dalcastle's thrusts like a shadow, 
 uttering ofttimes a sarcastic laugh, that seemed to provoke 
 the other beyond all bearing. At one time he would 
 spring away to a great distance, then advance again on 
 young Dalcastle with the swiftness of lightning. But that 
 young hero always stood his ground, and repelled the 
 attack : he never gave way, although they fought nearly 
 twice round the bleaching green, which you know is not 
 a very small one. At length they fought close up to the 
 mouth of the dark entry, where the fellow in black stood 
 all this while concealed, and then the combatant in 
 tartans closed with his antagonist, or pretended to do so; 
 but the moment they began to grapple, he wheeled about 
 turning Colwan's back towards the entry, and then cried 
 out, " Ah, hell has it ! my friend, my friend." 
 
 * That moment the fellow in black rushed from his 
 cover with his drawn rapier, and gave the brave young 
 Dalcastle two deadly wounds in the back, as quick as arm 
 could thrust, both of which I thought pierced through 
 his body. He fell, and rolling himself on his back, he 
 perceived who it was that had slain him thus foully, 
 and said, with a dying emphasis, which I never heard 
 equalled, " Oh, dog of hell, is it you who has done this ? " 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. S^, 
 
 ' He articulated some more, which I could not hear for 
 other sounds ; for the moment that the man in black 
 inflicted the deadly wound, my companion called out 
 "That's unfair, you rip! that's damnable! to strike a 
 brave fellow behind ! One at a time, you cowards ! " etc., 
 to all which the unnatural fiend in the tartans answered 
 with a loud exulting laugh ; and then, taking the poor 
 paralysed murderer by the bow of the arm, he hurried 
 him into the dark entry once more, where I lost sight of 
 them for ever.' 
 
 Before this time, Mrs Logan had risen up ; and when 
 the narrator had finished, she was standing with her 
 arms stretched upward at their full length, and her visage 
 turned down, on which were portrayed the lines of the 
 most absolute horror. ' The dark suspicions of my late 
 benefactor have been just, and his last prediction is ful- 
 filled,' cried she. 'The murderer of the accomplished 
 George Colwan has been his own brother, set on, there 
 - is little doubt, by her who bare them both, and her 
 directing angel, the self-justified bigot. Aye, and yonder 
 they sit, enjoying the luxuries so dearly purchased, with 
 perfect impunity ! If the Almighty do not hurl them 
 down, blasted with shame and confusion, there is no 
 hope of retribution in this life. And, by His might, I 
 will be the agent to accomplish it ! Why did the man 
 not pursue the foul murderers ? Why did he not raise 
 the alarm, and call the watch ? ' 
 
 ' He ? The wretch ! He durst not move from the 
 shelter he had obtained — no, not for the soul of him. 
 He was pursued for his life at the moment when he 
 first flew into my arms. But I did not know it ; no, I 
 did not t/ie7i know him. May the curse of heaven, 
 and the blight of hell, settle on the detestable wretch ! 
 
84 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 He pursue for the sake of justice ! No ; his efforts 
 have all been for evil, but never for good. But /raised 
 the alarm ; miserable and degraded as I was. I pursued 
 and raised the watch myself. Have you not heard the 
 name of Bell Calvert coupled with that hideous and 
 mysterious affair.' 
 
 * Yes, I have. In secret often I have heard it. But 
 how came it that you could never be found ? How 
 came it that you never appeared in defence of the 
 Honourable Thomas Drummond ; — you, the only person 
 who could have justified him ? ' 
 
 ' I could not, for I then fell under the power and 
 guidance of a wretch, who durst not for the soul of him 
 be brought forward in the affair. And what was worse, 
 his evidence would have overborne mine, for he would 
 have sworn that the man who called out and fought 
 Colwan was the same he met leaving my apartment, 
 and there was an end of it. And, moreover, it is well- 
 known that this same man — this wretch of whom I 
 speak, never mistook one man for another in his life, 
 which makes the mystery of the likeness between this 
 incendiary and Drummond the more extraordmary.' 
 
 ' If it was Drummond, after all that you have asserted, 
 then are my surmises still wrong.' 
 
 ' There is nothing of which I can be more certain, 
 than that it was not Drummond. We have nothing on 
 earth but our senses to depend upon : if these deceive 
 us, what are we to do ? I own I cannot account for it ; 
 nor ever shall be able to account for it as long as I live.' 
 
 ' Could you know the man in black, if you saw him 
 again ? ' 
 
 ' I think I could if I saw him walk or run : his gait 
 was very particular : he walked as if he had been flat- 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 85 
 
 soled, and his legs made of steel, without any joints in 
 his feet or ankles.' 
 
 ' The very same ! The very same ! The very same ! 
 Pray will you take a few days' journey into the country 
 with me, to look at such a man ? ' 
 
 ' You have preserved my life, and for you I will do any 
 thing. I will accompany you with pleasure : and I think 
 I can say that I will know him, for his form left an 
 impression on my heart not soon to be effaced. But of 
 this I am sure, that my unworthy companion ivill 
 recognise him, and that he will be able to swear to his 
 identity every day as long as he lives.' 
 
 'Where is he? Where is he?' O! Mrs Calvert, 
 where is he ? ' 
 
 ' Where is he ? He is the wretch w^hom you heard 
 giving me up to the death ; who, after experiencing 
 every mark of affection that a poor ruined being could 
 confer, and after committing a thousand atrocities of 
 which she was ignorant, became an informer to save his 
 diabolical life, and attempted to offer up mine as a 
 sacrifice for all. We will go by ourselves first, and I will 
 tell you if it is necessary to send any further.' 
 
 The two dames, the very next morning, dressed 
 themselves like country goodwives ; and, hiring two 
 stout ponies furnished with pillions, they took their 
 ^ journey westward, and the second evening after leaving 
 Edinburgh they arrived at the village about two miles 
 below Dalcastle, where they alighted. But Mrs Logan, 
 being anxious to have Mrs Calvert's judgment without 
 either hint or preparation, took care not to mention that 
 they were so near to the end of their journey. In 
 conformity with this plan, she said, after they had sat 
 awhile, * Heigh-ho, but I am weary ! What suppose we 
 
86 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 should rest a day here before we proceed further on our 
 journey ? ' 
 
 Mrs Calvert was leaning on the casement, and looking 
 out when her companion addressed these words to her, 
 and by far too much engaged to return any answer, for 
 her eyes were riveted on two young men who approached 
 from the further end of the village ; and at length, 
 turning round her head, she said with the most intense 
 interest, * Proceed further on our journey, did you say ? 
 That we need not do ; for, as I live, here comes the very 
 man ! ' 
 
 Mrs Logan ran to the window, and behold there was 
 indeed Robert Wringhim Colwan (now the Laird of Dal- 
 castle) coming forward almost below their window, 
 walking arm in arm with another young man ; and as 
 the two passed, the latter looked up and made a sly 
 signal to the two dames, biting his lip, winking with his 
 left eye, and nodding his head. Mrs Calvert was 
 astonished at this recognisance, the young man's former 
 companion having made exactly such another signal on 
 the night of the duel, by the light of the moon; and it 
 struck her, moreover, that she had somewhere seen this 
 young man's face before. She looked after him, and he 
 winked over his shoulder to her ; but she was prevented 
 from returning his salute by her companion, who uttered 
 a loud cry, between a groan and a shriek, and fell down 
 on the floor with a rumble like a wall that had suddenly 
 been undermined. She had fainted quite away, and re- 
 quired all her companion's attention during the remainder 
 of the evening, for she had scarcely ever well recovered 
 out of one fit before she fell into another ; and in the 
 short intervals she raved like one distracted, or in a dream. 
 After falling into a sound sleep, by night, she recovered 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. Sy 
 
 her equanimity, and the two began to converse seriously 
 on what they had seen. Mrs Calvert averred that the 
 young man who passed next to the window, ivas the 
 very man who stabbed George Colwan in the back, and 
 she said she was wilHng to take her oath on it at any 
 time when required, and was certain if the wretch 
 Ridsley saw him, that he would make oath to the same 
 purport, for that his walk was so peculiar, no one 
 of common discernment could mistake it. 
 
 Mrs Logan was in great agitation, and said, ' It is what 
 I have suspected all along, and what I am sure my late 
 master and benefactor was persuaded of, and the horror 
 of such an idea cut short his days. That wretch, Mrs 
 Calvert, is the born brother of him he murdered ; sons 
 of the same mother they were, whether or not of the 
 same father, the Lord only knows. But, 0,Mrs Calvert, 
 that is not the main thing that has discomposed me, and 
 shaken my nerves to pieces at this time. Who do you 
 think the young man was who walked in his company 
 to-night ? ' 
 
 'I cannot for my life recollect, but am convinced I 
 have seen the same fine form and face before.' 
 
 ' And did not he seem to know us, Mrs Calvert ? You 
 who are able to recollect things as they happened, did 
 he not seem to recollect us, and make signs to that 
 effect ? ' 
 
 ' He did, indeed, and apparently with great good 
 humour.' 
 
 ' O, Mrs Calvert, hold me, else I shall fall into hysterics 
 again ! Who is he ? Tell me who you suppose he is, 
 for I cannot say my own thought.' 
 
 ' On my life, I cannot remember.' 
 
 ' Did you note the appearance of the young gentleman 
 
88 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 you saw slain that night ? Do you recollect aught 
 of the appearance of my young master, George 
 Colwan ? ' 
 
 Mrs Calvert sat silent, and stared the other mildly in 
 the face. Their looks encountered, and there was an 
 unearthly amazement that gleamed from each, which, 
 meeting together, caught real fire, and returned the 
 flame to their heated imaginations, till the two associates 
 became like two statues, with their hands spread, their 
 eyes fixed, and their chops fallen down upon their 
 bosoms. An old woman who kept the lodging-house, 
 having been called in before when Mrs Logan was 
 faintish, chanced to enter at this crisis with some 
 cordial ; and, seeing the state of her lodgers, she caught 
 the infection, and fell into the same rigid and statue-like 
 appearance. No scene more striking was ever exhibited; 
 and if Mrs Calvert had not resumed strength of mind to 
 speak, and break the spell, it is impossible to say how 
 long it might have continued. ' It is he, I believe,' said 
 she, uttering the words as it were inwardly. ' It can be 
 none other but he. But, no, it is impossible ! I saw 
 him stabbed through and through the heart; I saw him 
 roll backward on the green in his own blood, utter his 
 last words, and groan away his soul. Yet if it is not he, 
 who can it be ? * 
 
 ' It z's he ! ' cried Mrs Logan hysterically. 
 
 ' Yes, yes, it is he ! ' cried the landlady, in unison. 
 
 ' It is who ? ' said Mrs Calvert ; whom do you mean, 
 mistress ? ' 
 
 ' Oh, I don't know ! I don't know ! I was affrighted. 
 
 *Hold your peace, then, till you recover your senses, 
 and tell me, if you can, who that young gentleman is 
 who keeps company with the new Laird of Dalcastle } ' 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 89 
 
 ' Oh, it is he ! it is he ! ' screamed Mrs Logan, wring 
 ing her hands. 
 
 ' Oh, it is he ! it is he ! ' cried the landlady, wringing 
 hers. 
 
 Mrs Calvert turned the latter gently and civilly out 
 of the apartment, observing that there seemed to be 
 some infection in the air of the room, and she would be 
 wise for herself to keep out of it. 
 
 The two dames had a restless and hideous night. 
 Sleep came not to their relief; for their conversation 
 was wholly about the dead, who seemed to be alive, 
 and their minds were wandering and groping in a chaos 
 of mystery. ' Did you attend to his corpse, and know 
 that he positively died and was buried ? ' said Mrs 
 Calvert. 
 
 * O yes, from the moment that his fair but mangled 
 corpse was brought home, I attended it till it was screwed 
 in the coffin. I washed the long stripes of blood from 
 his lifeless form, on both sides of the body — I bathed 
 the livid wound that passed through his generous and 
 gentle heart. There was one through the flesh of his 
 left side, too, which had bled most outwardly of them 
 all. I bathed them, and bandaged them up with wax 
 and perfumed ointment, but still the blood oozed 
 through all, so that when he was laid in the coffin he 
 was like one newly murdered. My brave, my generous 
 young master ! he was always as a son to me, and no 
 son was ever more kind or more respectful to a mother. 
 But he was butchered — he was cut off from the earth 
 ere he had well reached to manhood— most barbarously 
 and unfairly slain. And how is it, how can it be, that 
 we again see him here, walking arm in arm with his 
 murderer ? ' 
 
90 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 ' The thing cannot be, Mrs Logan. It is a phantasy 
 of our disturbed imaginations, therefore let us compose 
 ourselves till we investigate this matter further.' 
 
 ' It cannot be in nature, that is quite clear,' said Mrs 
 Logan ; ' yet how it should be that I should think so — I 
 who knew and nursed him from his infancy — there lies 
 the paradox. As you said once before, we have nothing 
 but our senses to depend on, and if you and I believe 
 that we see a person, why, we do see him. Whose 
 word, or whose reasoning can convince us against our 
 own senses ? We will disguise ourselves, as poor women 
 selling a few country wares, and we will go up to the 
 Hall and see what is to see, and hear what we can hear, 
 for this is a weighty business in which we are engaged, 
 namely, to turn the vengeance of the law upon an 
 unnatural monster ; and we will further learn, if we can, 
 who this is that accompanies him.' 
 
 Mrs Calvert acquiesced, and the two dames took their 
 way to Dalcastle, with baskets well furnished with 
 trifles. They did not take the common path from the 
 village, but went about, and approached the mansion by a 
 different way. But it seemed as if some overruling 
 power ordered it, that they should miss no chance of 
 attaining the information they wanted. For ere ever 
 they came within half a mile of Dalcastle, they perceived 
 the two youths coming, as to meet them, on the same 
 path. The road leading from Dalcastle, towards the 
 north-east, as all the country knows, goes along a dark 
 bank of brushwood called the Bogle-heuch. It was by 
 this track that the two women were going ; and when 
 they perceived the two gentlemen meeting them, they 
 turned back, and the moment they were out of their 
 sight, they concealed themselves in a thicket close by 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 91 
 
 the road. They did this because Mrs Logan was terrified 
 of being discovered, and because they wished to 
 reconnoitre without being seen. Mrs Calvert now 
 charged her, whatever she saw or whatever she heard, 
 to put on a resolution, and support it, for if she fainted 
 there and was discovered, what was to become of her ? 
 
 The two young men came on in earnest and vehement 
 conversation ; but the subject they were on was a 
 terrible one, and hardly fit to be repeated in the face 
 of a Christian community. Wringhim was disputing 
 the boundlessness of the true Christian's freedom, and 
 expressing doubts, that, chosen as he knew he was from 
 all eternity, still it might be possible for him to commit 
 acts that would exclude him from the limits of the 
 covenant. The other argued, with mighty fluency, that 
 the thing was utterly impossible, and altogether incon- 
 sistent with eternal predestination. The arguments of 
 the latter prevailed, and the laird was driven to sullen 
 silence. But, to the women's utter surprise, as the 
 conquering disputant passed, he made a signal of re- 
 cognisance through the brambles to them, as formerly, 
 and that he might expose his associate fully, and in his 
 true colours, he led him backward and forward past the 
 women more than twenty times, making him to confess 
 both the crimes that he had done, and those he had in 
 contemplation. At length he said to him, ' Assuredly I 
 saw some vagrant women strolling on this walk, my dear 
 friend : I wish we could find them, for there is little 
 doubt that they are concealed here in your woods.' 
 
 * I wish we could find them,' answered Wringhim ; 
 *we would have fine sport maltreating and abusing 
 them.' 
 
 * That we should, that we should ! Now tell me, 
 
92 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 Robert, if you found a malevolent woman, the latent 
 enemy of your prosperity, lurking in these woods to 
 betray you, what would you inflict on her ? ' 
 
 * I would tear her to pieces with my dogs, and feed 
 them with her flesh. O, my dear friend, there is an old 
 strumpet who lived with my unnatural father, whom I 
 hold in such utter detestation, that I stand constantly in 
 dread of her, and would sacrifice the half of my estate to 
 shed her blood ! ' 
 
 * What will you give me if I will put her in your 
 power, and give you a fair and genuine excuse for 
 making away with her ; one for which you shall answer 
 at any bar, here or hereafter ? ' 
 
 * I should like to see the vile hag put down. She is 
 in possession of the family plate, that is mine by right, 
 as well as a thousand valuable relics, and great riches 
 besides, all of which the old profligate gifted shamefully 
 away. And it is said, besides all these, that she has 
 sworn my destruction.' 
 
 ' She has, she has. But I see not how she can 
 accomplish that, seeing the deed was done so suddenly, 
 and in the silence of the night.' 
 
 'It was said there were some onlookers. — But where 
 shall we find that disgraceful Miss Logan ? ' 
 
 ' I will show you her by and by. But will you then 
 consent to the other meritorious deed ? Come, be a 
 man, and throw away scruples.' 
 
 * If you can convince me that the promise is binding, I 
 will.' 
 
 ' Then step this way, till I give you a piece of in- 
 formation.' 
 
 They walked a little way out of hearing, but went not 
 out of sight ; therefore, though the women were in a 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 93 
 
 terrible quandary, they durst not stir, for they had some 
 hopes that this extraordinary person was on a mission 
 of the same sort with themselves, knew of them, and 
 was going to make use of their testimony. Mrs Logan 
 was several times on the point of falling into a swoon, 
 so much did » the appearance of the young man impress 
 her, until her associate covered her face that she might 
 listen without embarrassment. But this latter dialogue 
 aroused different feelings within them ; namely, those 
 arising from imminent personal danger. They saw his 
 waggish associate point out the place of their conceal- 
 ment to Wringhim, who came towards them, out of 
 curiosity to see what his friend meant by what he believed 
 to be a joke, manifestly without crediting it in the least 
 degree. When he came running away, the other called 
 after him, ' If she is too hard for you, call to me.' As 
 he said this, he hasted out of sight, in the contrary 
 direction, apparently much delighted with the joke. 
 
 Wringhim came rushing through the thicket im- 
 petuously, to the very spot where Mrs Logan lay 
 squatted. She held the wrapping close about her head, 
 but he tore it off and discovered her. ' The curse of 
 God be on thee ! ' said he ; ' what fiend has brought 
 thee here, and for what purpose art thou come ? But, 
 whatever has brought thee, / have thee ! ' and with that 
 he seized her by the throat. The tw^o w-omen, when 
 they heard what jeopardy they were in from such a 
 wretch, had squatted among the underwood at a small 
 distance from each other, so that he had never observed 
 Mrs Calvert ; but no sooner had he seized her bene- 
 factress, than, like a wild cat, she sprung out of the 
 thicket, and had both her hands fixed at his throat, one 
 of them twisted in his stock, in a twinkling. She 
 
94 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 brought him back-over among the brushwood, and the 
 two, fixing on him Hke two harpies, mastered him with 
 ease. Then indeed was he wofully beset. He deemed 
 for a while that his friend was at his back, and turning 
 his bloodshot eyes towards the path, he attempted to 
 call ; but there was no friend there, and the women cut 
 short his cries by another twist of his stock. ' Now, 
 gallant and rightful Laird of Dalcastle,' said Mrs Logan, 
 'what hast thou to say for thyself? Lay thy account 
 to dree the weird thou hast so well earned. Now shalt 
 thou suffer due penance for murdering thy brave and 
 only brother.' 
 
 ' Thou liest, thou hag of the pit ! I touched not my 
 brother's life.' 
 
 ' I saw thee do it with these eyes that now look thee 
 in the face ; ay, when his back was to thee too, and 
 when he was hotty engaged with thy friend,' said Mrs 
 Calvert. 
 
 ' I heard thee confess it again and again this same 
 hour,' said Mrs Logan. 
 
 ' Ay, and so did I,' said her companion. — ' Murder will 
 out, though the Almighty should lend hearing to the 
 ears of the willow, and speech to- the seven tongues of 
 the woodriff.' 
 
 ' You are liars, and witches ! ' said he, foaming with 
 rage, ' and creatures fitted from the beginning for eternal 
 destruction. I'll have your bones and your blood sacri- 
 ficed on your cursed altars ! O, Gil-Martin ! Gil-Martin ! 
 where art thou now ? Here, here is the proper food for 
 blessed vengeance ! — Hilloa ! ' 
 
 There was no friend, no Gil-Martin there to hear or 
 assist him : he was in the two women's mercy, but they 
 used it with moderation. They mocked, they tormented. 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 95 
 
 and they threatened him : but, finally, after putting him 
 in great terror, they bound his hands behind his back, 
 and his feet fast with long straps of garters which they 
 chanced to have in their baskets, to prevent him from 
 pursuing them till they were out of his reach. As they 
 left him, which they did in the middle of the path, Mrs 
 Calvert said, ' We could easily put an end to thy sinful 
 life, but our hands shall be free of thy blood. Neverthe- 
 less thou art still in our power, and the vengeance of thy 
 country shall overtake thee, thou mean and cowardly 
 murderer, ay, and that more suddenly than thou art 
 aware ! ' 
 
 The women posted to Edinburgh: and as they put 
 themselves under the protection of an English merchant, 
 who was journeying thither with twenty horses laden, 
 and armed servants, so they had scarcely any conversation 
 on the road. When they arrived at Mrs Logan's house, 
 then they spoke of what they had seen and heard, and 
 agreed that they had sufficient proof to condemn young 
 Wringhim, who they thought richly deserved the severest 
 doom of the law. 
 
 ' I never in my life saw any human being,' said Mrs 
 Calvert, ' whom I thought so like a fiend. If a demon 
 could inherit flesh and blood, that youth is precisely such 
 a being as I could conceive that demon to be. The 
 depth and the malignity of his eye is hideous. His 
 breath is like the airs from a charnel-house, and his 
 flesh seems fading from his bones, as if the worm that 
 never dies were gnawing it away already.' 
 
 ' He was always repulsive, and every way repulsive,' 
 said the other ; ' but he is now indeed altered greatly to 
 the worse. While we were handfasting him, I felt his 
 body to be feeble and emaciated ; but yet I know him to 
 
96 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 be so puffed up with spiritual pride, that I beUeve he 
 weens every one of his actions justified before God, and 
 instead of having stings of conscience for these, he takes 
 great merit to himself in having affected them. Still my 
 thoughts are less about him than the extraordinary being 
 who accompanies him. He does every thing with so 
 much ease and indifference, so much velocity and effect, 
 that all bespeak him an adept in wickedness. The 
 likeness to my late hapless young master is so striking, 
 that I can hardly believe it to be a chance model ; and I 
 think he imitates him in every thing, for some purpose, 
 or some effect on his sinful associate. Do you know that 
 he is so like in every lineament, look, and gesture, that 
 against the clearest light of reason, I cannot in my mind 
 separate the one from the other, and have a certain 
 indefinable impression on my mind, that they are one 
 and the same being, or that the one was a prototype of 
 the other.' 
 
 ' If there is an earthly crime,' said Mrs Calvert, ' for 
 the due punishment of which the Almighty may be 
 supposed to subvert the order of nature, it is fratricide. 
 But tell me, dear friend, did you remark to what the 
 subtile and hellish villain was endeavouring to prompt 
 the assassin ? ' 
 
 'No, I could not comprehend it. My senses were 
 altogether so bewildered, that I thought they had com- 
 bined to deceive me, and I gave them no credit.' 
 
 ' Then hear me : I am almost certain he was using 
 every persuasion to induce him to make away with his 
 mother ; and I likewise conceive that I heard the in- 
 cendiary give his consent.' 
 
 ' This is dreadful. Let us speak and think no more about 
 it, till we see the issue. In the meantime, let us do that 
 
onfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 97 
 
 which is our bounden duty — go and divulge all that we 
 know relating to this foul murder.' 
 
 Accordingly the two women went to Sir Thomas 
 Wallace of Cragie, the Lord Justice Clerk (who was, I 
 think, either uncle or grandfather to young Drummond, 
 who was outlawed, and obliged to fly his country, on 
 account of Colwan's death), and to that gentleman they 
 related every circumstance of what they had seen and 
 heard. He examined Calvert very minutely, and seemed 
 deeply interested in her evidence — said he knew she 
 was relating the truth, and in testimony of it, brought a 
 letter of young Drummond's from his desk, wherein that 
 young gentleman, after protesting his innocence in the 
 most forcible terms, confessed having been seen with 
 such a woman in such a house, after leaving the company 
 of his friends ; and that, on going home. Sir Thomas's 
 servant had let him in, in the dark, and from these cir- 
 cumstances he found it possible to prove an alibi. He 
 begged of his relative, if ever an opportunity offered, 
 to do his endeavour to clear up that mystery, and remove 
 the horrid stigma from his name in his country, and 
 among his kin, of having stabbed a friend behind his 
 back. 
 
 Lord Craigie, therefore, directed the two women to the 
 proper authorities, and, after hearing their evidence there, 
 it was judged proper to apprehend the present Laird of 
 Dalcastle, and bring him to his trial. But before that, 
 they sent the prisoner in the tolbooth, he who had seen 
 the whole transaction along with Mrs Calvert, to take a 
 view of Wringhim privately ; and his discrimination 
 being so well-known as to be proverbial all over the 
 land, they determined secretly to be ruled by his report. 
 They accordingly sent him on a pretended mission of 
 
 G 
 
98 Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 
 
 legality to Dalcastle, with orders to see and speak with 
 the proprietor, without giving him a hint what was 
 wanted. On his return, they examined him, and he told 
 them that he found all things at the place in utter con- 
 fusion and dismay; that the lady of the place was missing, 
 and could not be found, dead or alive. On being asked if he 
 had ever seen the proprietor before, he looked astounded, 
 and unwilling to answer. But it came out that he had ; 
 and that he had once seen him kill a man on such a 
 spot at such an hour. 
 
 Officers were then dispatched, without delay, to appre- 
 hend the monster, and bring him to justice. On these 
 going to the mansion, and inquiring for him, they were 
 told he was at home ; on which they stationed guards, 
 and searched all the premises, but he was not to be 
 found. It was in vain that they overturned beds, raised 
 floors, and broke open closets ; Robert Wringhim 
 Colwah was lost once and for ever. His mother also was 
 lost ; and strong suspicions attached to some of the 
 farmers and house servants, to whom she was obnoxious, 
 relating to her disappearance. The Honourable Thomas 
 Drummond became a distinguished officer in the 
 Austrian service, and died in the memorable year for 
 Scotland, 1715 ; and this is all with which history, 
 justiciary records, and tradition, furnish me relating to 
 these matters. 
 
 I have now the pleasure of presenting my readers with 
 an original document of a most singular nature, and 
 preserved for their perusal in a still more singular 
 manner. I offer no remarks on it, and make as few 
 additions to it leaving every one to judge for himself. 
 We have heard much of the rage of fanaticism in former 
 days, but nothing to this. 
 
vyi 
 
 The 
 
 Private Memoirs and Confessions 
 
 of a 
 
 Justified Sinner. 
 
 Written by Himself, 
 
 My life has been a life of trouble and turmoil; of change 
 and vicissitude; of anger' and exultation; of sorrow and 
 of vengeance. My sorrows have all been for a slighted 
 gospel, and my vengeance has been wreaked on its 
 adversaries. Therefore, in the might of heaven I will sit 
 down and write : I will let the wicked of this world know 
 what I have done in the faith of the promises, and 
 justification by grace, that they may read and tremble, 
 and bless their gods of silver and of gold, that the minister 
 of heaven was removed from their sphere before their 
 blood was mingled with their sacrifices. 
 
 I was born an outcast in the world, in which I was 
 destined to act so conspicuous a part. My mother was a 
 burning and a shining light in the community of Scottish 
 worthies, and in the days of her virginity had suffered 
 much in the persecution of the saints. But it so pleased 
 Heaven, that, as a trial of her faith, she was married to 
 one of the wicked; a man all over spotted with the 
 leprosy of sin. As well might they have conjoined fire 
 and water together, in hopes that they would consort and 
 amalgamate, as purity and corruption : she fled from his 
 
lOO The Private Memoirs and 
 
 embraces the first night after their marriage, and 
 from that time forth, his iniquities so galled her 
 upright heart, that she quitted his society altogether, 
 keeping her own apartments in the same house with 
 him. 
 
 I was the second son of this unhappy marriage, and, 
 long ere ever I was born, my father, according to the 
 flesh, disclaimed all relation or connexion with me, and 
 all interest in me, save what the law compelled him to 
 take, which was to grant me a scanty maintenance ; and 
 had it not been for a faithful minister of the gospel, my 
 mother's early instructor, I should have remained an 
 outcast from the Church visible. He took pity on me, 
 admitting me not only into that, but into the bosom of 
 his own household and ministry also, and to him am I * 
 
 indebted, under Heaven, for the high conceptions and 
 glorious discernment between good and evil, right and 
 wrong, which I attained even at an early age. It was 
 he who directed my studies aright, both in the learning 
 of the ancient fathers, and the doctrines of the reformed 
 Church, and designed me for his assistant and successor 
 in the holy office. I missed no opportunity of perfecting 
 myself particularly in all the minute points of theology 
 in which my reverend father and mother took great 
 delight ; but at length I acquired so much skill that I 
 astonished my teachers, and made them gaze at one * 
 another. I remember that it was the custom in my 
 patron's house, to ask the questions of the Single 
 Catechism round every Sabbath night. He asked the 
 first, my mother the second, and so on, every one saying 
 the question asked, and then asking the next. It fell to 
 my mother to ask Effectual Calling at me. I said the 
 answer with propriety and emphasis. ' Now, madam, 
 
)nfessIons of a Justified Sinner. loi 
 
 added I, ' my question to you is, What is ///effectual 
 Calling ? ' 
 
 * Ineffectual Calling ? There is no such thing, Robert,' 
 said she. 
 
 ' But there is, madam,' said I ; ' and that aiTswer proves 
 how much you say these fundamental precepts by rote, 
 and without any consideration. Ineffectual Calling is, 
 the outward call of the ^oi^^/ without any effect on the 
 hearts of unregenerated and impenitent sinners. Have 
 not all these the same calls, warnings, doctrines, and 
 reproofs, that we have ? and is not this Ineffectual 
 Calling ? Has not Ardinferry the same ? Has not 
 Partick M'Lure the same? Has not the Laird of 
 Dalcastle and his reprobate heir the same ? And will 
 any tell me, that this is not Ineffectual Calling ? ' 
 
 ' What a wonderful boy he is ! ' said my mother. 
 
 ' I'm feared he turn out to be a conceited gowk,' said 
 old Barnet, the minister's man. 
 
 * No,' said my pastor, and father (as I shall henceforth 
 denominate him) — ' No, Barnet, he is a wonderful boy ; 
 and no marvel, for I have prayed for these talents to be 
 bestowed on him from his infancy : and do you think 
 that Heaven would refuse a prayer so disinterested ? No, 
 it is impossible. But my dread is, madam,' continued he, 
 turning to my mother, ' that he is yet in the bond of 
 iniquity.' 
 
 ' God forbid ! ' said my mother. 
 
 ' I have struggled with the Almighty long and hard,' 
 continued he; 'but have as yet had no certain token of 
 acceptance in his behalf. I have indeed fought a hard 
 fight, but have been repulsed by him who hath seldom 
 refused my request ; although I cited his own words 
 against him and endeavoured to hold him at his promise, 
 
I02 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 he hath so many turnings in the supremacy of his power 
 that I have been rejected. How dreadful is it to think 
 of our darHng being still without the pale of the 
 cove*" "^ut I have vowed a vow, and in that there is 
 
 hope. 
 
 My heart quaked with terror, when I thought of being 
 still living in a state of reprobation, subjected to the 
 awful issues of death, judgment, and eternal misery, by 
 the slightest accident or casualty, and I set about the 
 duty of prayer myself with the utmost earnestness. I 
 prayed three times every day, and seven times on the 
 Sabbath; but the more frequently and fervently that I 
 prayed, I sinned still the more. About this time, and 
 for a long period afterwards, amounting to several years, 
 I lived in a hopeless and deplorable state of mind, for I 
 said to myself, ' If my name is not written in the book of 
 life from all eternity, it is in vain for me to presume that 
 either vows or prayers of mine, or those of all mankind 
 combined, can ever procure its insertion now.' I had 
 come under many vows, most solemnly taken, every one 
 of which I had broken; and I saw with the intensity of 
 juvenile grief, that there was no hope for me. I went on 
 sinning every hour^ and all the while most strenuously 
 warring against sin, and repenting of every one trans- 
 gression, as soon after the commission of it as I got 
 leisure to think. But oh, what a wretched state this 
 unregenerated state is, in which every effort only 
 aggravates our offences ! I found it vanity to contend ; 
 for, after communing with my heart, the conclusion was 
 as follows : ' If I could repent me of all my sins, and shed 
 tears of blood for them, still have I not a load of original 
 transgressior pressing on me, that is enough to crush me 
 to the lowest nell. I may be angry with my first parents 
 
onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 103 
 
 for having sinned, but how I shall repent me of their sin. 
 is beyond what I am able to comprehend.' 
 
 Still, in those days of depravity and corruption, I had 
 some of those principles implanted in my mind, which 
 were afterward to spring up with such amazing fertility, 
 among the heroes of the faith and the promises. In 
 particular, I felt great indignation against all the wicked 
 world, and often wished for the means of ridding it of 
 such a noxious burden. 
 
 I liked John Barnet, my reverend father's serving-man, 
 extremely ill ; but, from a supposition that he might be 
 one of the justified, I refrained from doing him any injury. 
 He gave always his word against me, and when we were 
 by ourselves, in the barn or the fields, he rated me with 
 such severity for my faults, that my heart could brook it 
 no longer. He discovered some notorious lies that I had 
 framed, and taxed me with them in such a manner, that 
 I could in no wise get off. My cheek burnt with offence 
 rather than shame ; and he, thinking he had got the 
 mastery of me, exulted over me most unmercifully, 
 telling me I was a selfish and conceited blackguard, who 
 made great pretences towards religious devotion to cloak 
 a disposition tainted with deceit, and that it would not 
 much astonish him if I brought myself to the gallows. 
 
 I gathered some courage from his over severity, and 
 answered him as follows ; ' Who made thee a judge of 
 the actions or dispositions of the Almighty's creatures — 
 thou who art a worm, and no man in His sight ? How it 
 befits thee to deal out judgments and anathemas ! Hath 
 He not made one vessel to honour, and another to dis- 
 honour, as in the case with myself and thee ? Hath He not 
 builded his stories in the heavens, and laid the founda- 
 tions thereof in the earth, and how can ? jing like thee 
 
I04 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 judge between good and evil, that are both subjected to 
 the workings of His hand ; or of the opposing principles 
 in the soul of man, correcting, modifying, and refining 
 one another ? ' 
 
 I said this'with a strong display of fervour for which I 
 was remarkable at my years, and expected old Barnet to 
 be utterly confounded ; but he only shook his head and 
 with the most provoking grin said, 
 
 * There he goes ! sickan sublime and ridiculous 
 sophistry I never heard come out of another mouth 
 but ane. There needs nae aiths to be sworn afore the 
 session wha is your father, young goodman. I ne'er 
 for my part, saw a son sae like a dad, sin my een first 
 opened.' With that he went away, saying, with an 
 ill-natured wince, ' You made to honour and me to 
 dishonour ! Dirty bow-kail thing that thou be'st ! ' 
 
 * I will have the old rascal on the hip for this, if I live,' 
 thought I. So I went and asked my mother if John was 
 a righteous man ? She could not tell, but supposed he 
 was, and therefore I got no encouragement from her. I 
 went next day to my reverend father, and inquired his 
 opinion, expecting as little from that quarter. He knew 
 the elect as it were by instinct, and could have told you 
 of all those in his own, and some neighbouring parishes, 
 who were born within the boundaries of the covenant of 
 promise, and who were not. 
 
 * I keep a good deal in company with your servant, old 
 Barnet, father,' said I. 
 
 * You do, boy ; you do, I see,' said he. 
 
 * I wish I may not keep too much in his company,' said 
 I, * not knowing what kind of society I am in ; — is John 
 a good man, father ? ' 
 
 * Why, boy, he is but so, so. A morally good man 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 105 
 
 John is, but very little of the leaven of true righteousness, 
 which is faith within. I am afraid old Barnet, with all 
 his stock of morality, will be a cast-away.' 
 
 My heart was greatly cheered by this remark ; and 
 I sighed very deeply, and hung my head to one side. 
 The worthy father observed me and inquired the cause, 
 when I answered as follows : ' How dreadful the thought, 
 that I have been going daily in company and fellowship 
 with one, whose name is written on the red-letter side 
 of the book of life ; whose body and soul have been, 
 from all eternity, consigned over to everlasting destruc- 
 tion, and to whom the blood of the atonement can 
 never, never reach ! Father, this is an awful thing, and 
 beyond my comprehension.' 
 
 ' While w^e are in the world, we must mix with the 
 inhabitants thereof,' said he ; ' and the stains which ad- 
 here to us by reason of this admixture, which is un- 
 avoidable, shall all be washed away. It is our duty, how- 
 ever, to shun the society of wicked men as much as 
 possible, lest we partake of their sins, and become sharers 
 with them in punishment. John, however, is a morally 
 good man, and may yet get a cast of grace.' 
 
 ' I always thought him a good man till to-day,' said I 
 ' when he threw out some reflections on your character, 
 so horrible that I quake to think of the wickedness and 
 malevolence of his heart. He was rating me very im- 
 pertinently for some supposed fault, which had no being 
 save in his own jealous brain, when I attempted to reason 
 him out of his belief in the spirit of calm Christian argu- 
 ment. But how do you think he answered me ? He did 
 so, sir, by twisting his mouth at me, and remarking that 
 such sublime and ridiculous sophistry never came out of 
 another mouth but one (meaning yours), and that no 
 
io6 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 oath before a kirk session was necessary to prove who 
 was my dad, for that he had never seen a son so Uke a 
 father as I was Hke mine.' 
 
 ' He durst not for his soul's salvation, and for his daily 
 bread, which he values much more, say such a word boy ; 
 therefore take care what you assert,' said my reverend 
 father. 
 
 ' He said these very words, and will not deny them, sir, 
 said I. 
 
 My reverend father turned about in great wrath and 
 indignation, and went away in search of John ; but I kept 
 out of the way, and listened at a back window ; for John 
 was dressing the plot of ground behind the house ; and I 
 hope it was no sin in me that I did rejoice in the dialogue 
 which took place, it being the victory of righteousness 
 over error. 
 
 * Well, John, this is a fine day for your delving work.' 
 ' Ey, it's a tolerable day, sir.' 
 
 ' Are you thankful in your heart, John, for such 
 temporal mercies as these ? ' 
 
 ' Aw doubt we're a' ower little thankfu', sir, baith for 
 temporal and speeritul mercies ; but it isna aye the maist 
 thankfu' heart that maks the greatest fraze wi' the 
 tongue.' 
 
 ' I hope there is nothing personal under that remark, 
 John ? ' 
 
 * Gin the bannet fits ony body's head, they are unco 
 welcome to it, sir, for me.' 
 
 * John, I do not approve of these innuendoes. You 
 have an arch malicious manner of vending your aphorisms, 
 which the men of the world are too apt to read the 
 wrong way, for your dark hints are sure to have one very 
 bad meaning.' 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 107 
 
 ^ Hout na, sir, it's only bad folks that thinks sae. They 
 find ma bits o' gibes come hame to their hearts wi' a kind 
 o' yerk, an' that gars them wince.' 
 
 * That saying is ten times worse than the other, John; 
 it is a manifest insult; it is just telling me to my face, 
 that you think me a bad man.' 
 
 ' A body canna help his thoughts, sir.' 
 
 * No, but a man's thoughts are generally formed from 
 observation. Now I should like to know, even from the 
 mouth of a misbeliever, what part of my conduct warrants 
 such a conclusion ? ' 
 
 'Nae particular pairt, sir; I draw a' my conclusions 
 frae the haill o' a man's character, an' I'm no that aften 
 far wrang.' 
 
 'Well, John, and what sort of general character do 
 you suppose mine to be ? ' 
 
 ' Yours is a Scripture character, sir, an' I'll prove it.' 
 
 'I hope so, John. Well, which of the Scripture 
 characters do you think approximates nearest to my 
 own.' 
 
 ' Guess, sir, guess. I wish to lead a proof.' 
 
 * Why, if it be an Old Testament character, I hope it is 
 Melchizedek, for at all events, you cannot deny there is 
 one point of resemblance ; I, like him, am a preacher of 
 righteousness. If it be a New Testament character, I 
 suppose you mean the Apostle of the Gentiles, of whom 
 I am an unworthy representative. 
 
 'Na, na, sir, better nor that still, an' fer closer is the 
 resemblance. When ye bring me to the point, I maun 
 speak. Ye are the just Pharisee, sir, that gaed up wi' 
 the poor publican to pray in the Temple; an' ye're acting 
 the very same pairt at this time, an' saying i' your 
 heart, " God, I thank Thee that I am not as other men are. 
 
io8 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 J 
 an' in nae way like this poor, misbelieving, unregenerate 
 sinner, John Barnet ! " ' 
 
 ' I hope I may say so indeed.' 
 
 * There now, I tauld you how it was ! But, d'ye hear, 
 maister : here stands the poor sinner, John Barnet, your * 
 
 beadle an' servant-man, wha wadna change chances wi' 
 you in the neist world, nor consciences in this, for ten 
 times a' that you possess — your justification by faith an' 
 awthegither.' 
 
 ' You are extremely audacious and impertinent, John ; 
 but the language of reprobation cannot affect me : I came 
 only to ask you one question, which I desire you to 
 answer candidly. Did you ever say to any one that I 
 was the boy Robert's natural father ? ' 
 
 '■ Hout na, sir ! Ha, ha, ha ! Aih, fie na, sir ! I ^ 
 
 durstna say that for my life. I doubt the black stool, an' 
 the sack gown, or maybe the juggs wad hae been my 
 portion had I said sic a thing as that. Hout, hout, fie, 
 fie ! Unco-like doings they for a Melchizedek or a Saint 
 Paul ! ' 
 
 ' John, you are a profane old man, and I desire that 
 you will not presume to break your jests on me. Tell 
 me, dare you say, or dare you think, that I am the 
 natural father of that boy ? ' 
 
 ' Ye canna hinder me to think whatever I like, sir, nor 
 can I hinder mysel.' 
 
 * But did you ever saj' to any one, that he resembled 
 me, and fathered himself well enough ? ' 
 
 ' I hae said mony a time, that he resembled you, sir. 
 Naebody can mistake that.' 
 
 ' But John, there are many natural reasons for such ' 
 
 likenesses, besides that of consanguinity. They depend 
 much on the thoughts and affections of the mother ; and 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 109 
 
 it is probable that the mother of this boy, being deserted 
 by her worthless husband, having turned her thoughts 
 on me as likely to be her protector, may have caused this 
 striking resemblance.' 
 
 ' Ay, it may be, sir. I coudna say.' 
 
 *I have known a lady, John, who was delivered of a 
 blackamoor child, merely from the circumstance of 
 having got a start by the sudden entrance of her negro 
 servant, and not being able to forget him for several 
 hours.' 
 
 ' It may be, sir ; but I ken this — an' I had been the 
 laird — I wadna hae ta'en that story in.' 
 
 * So then, John, you positively think, from a casual 
 likeness, that this boy is my son ? ' 
 
 ' Man's thoughts are vanity, sir ; they come unasked 
 an' gang away without a dismissal, an' he canna help 
 them. I'm neither gaun to say that I think he's your 
 son, nor that I think he's no your son : sae ye needna 
 pose me nae mair about it.' 
 
 ' Hear then my determination, John : if you do not 
 promise to me, in faith and honour, that you never will 
 say, or insinuate such a thing again in your life, as that 
 that boy is my natural son, I will take the ke3^s of the 
 church from you, and dismiss you my service.' 
 
 John pulled out the keys, and dashed them on the 
 gravel at the reverend minister's feet. ' There are the 
 keys o' your kirk, sir ! I hae never had muckle mense 
 o' them sin' ye entered the door o't. I hae carried 
 them this three-an-thretty year, but they hae been 
 like to burn a hole in my pouch sin' ever they were 
 turned for your admittance. Tak them again, an' gie 
 them to wha you will, and muckle gude may he get o' 
 them. Auld John may dee a beggar in a hay barn, or 
 
I lo The Private Memoirs and 
 
 at the back of a dike, but he sail aye be maister o' his 
 ain thoughts, an' gie them vent or no, as he likes.' 
 
 He left the manse that day, and I rejoiced in the 
 riddance ; for I disdained to be kept so much under, 
 by one who was in the bond of iniquity, and of whom 
 there seemed no hope, as he rejoiced in his frowardness, 
 and refused to submit to that faithful teacher, his master. 
 
 It was about this time that my reverend father preached 
 a sermon, one sentence of which affected me most dis- 
 agreeably : it was to the purport, that every unrepented 
 sin was productive of a new sin with each breath that a 
 man drew; and every one of these new sins added to the 
 catalogue in the same manner. I was utterly confounded 
 at the multitude of my transgressions; for I was sensible 
 that there were great numbers of sins of which I had never 
 been able thoroughly to repent, and these momentary 
 ones, by a moderate calculation, had, I saw long ago, 
 amounted to a hundred and fifty thousand in the minute, 
 and I saw no end to the series of repentances to which I 
 had subjected myself. A lifetime was nothing to enable 
 me to accomplish the sum, and then being, for anything 
 I was certain of, in my state of nature, and the grace of 
 repentance withheld from me — what was I to do, or what 
 was to become of me ? In the meantime, I went on 
 sinning without measure; but I was still more troubled 
 about the multitude than the magnitude of my trans- 
 gressions, and the small minute ones puzzled me more 
 than those that were more heinous, as the latter had 
 generally some good effects in the way of punishing 
 wicked men, froward boys, and deceitful women ; and I 
 rejoiced even then in my early youth, at being used as a 
 scourge in the hand of the Lord ; another Jehu, a Cyrus, 
 or a Nebuchadnezzar. 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. iii 
 
 On the whole, I remember that I got into great 
 confusion relating to my sins and repentances, and 
 knew neither where to begin or how to proceed, and 
 often had great fears that I was wholly without Christ, 
 and that I would find God a consuming fire to me. I 
 could not help running into new sins continually; but 
 then I was mercifully dealt with, for I was often made 
 to repent of them most heartily, by reason of bodily 
 chastisement received on these delinquencies being 
 discovered. I was particularly prone to lying, and I 
 cannot but admire the mercy that has freely forgiven 
 me all these juvenile sins. Now that I know them all 
 to be blotted out and that I am an accepted person, 
 I may the more freely confess them ; the truth is, that 
 one lie always paved the way for another, from hour to 
 hour, from day to day, and from year to year ; so that 
 I found myself constantly involved in a labyrinth of 
 deceit, from which it was impossible to extricate myself. 
 If I knew a person to be a godly one, I could almost 
 have kissed his feet ; but against the carnal portion of 
 mankind, I set my face continually. I esteemed the 
 true ministers of the gospel; but the prelatic party, 
 and the preachers up of good works I abhorred, and to 
 this hour I account them the worst and most heinous 
 of all transgressors. 
 
 There was only one boy at Mr Wilson's class who kept 
 always the upper hand of me in every part of education. 
 I strove against him from year to year, but it was all in 
 vain; for he was a very wicked boy ; and I was con- 
 vinced he had dealings with the devil. Indeed, it was 
 believed all over the country that his mother was a 
 witch ; and I was at length convinced that it was no 
 human ingenuity that beat me with so much ease in the 
 
112 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 Latin, after I had often sat up a whole night with my 
 reverend father, studying my lesson in all its bearings. 
 I often read as well and sometimes better than he ; but 
 the moment Mr Wilson began to examine us, my 
 opponent popped up above > me. I determined (as I 
 knew him for a wicked person, and one of the devil's 
 hand-fasted children), to be revenged on him, and to 
 humble him by some means or other. Accordingly I 
 lost no opportunity of setting the master against him, 
 and succeeded several times in getting him severely 
 beaten for faults of which he was innocent. I can 
 hardly describe the joy that it gave to my heart to see a 
 wicked creature suffering, for though he deserved it not 
 for one thing, he richly deserved it for others. This 
 may be by some people accounted a great sin in me ; 
 but I deny it, for I did it as a duty, and what a man or 
 boy does for the right, will never be put into the sum 
 of his transgressions. 
 
 This boy, whose name was M'Gill, was during all his 
 leisure hours engaged in drawing profane pictures of 
 beasts, men, women, houses, and trees, and, in short, of 
 all things that his eye encountered. These profane 
 things the master often smiled at and admired ; there- 
 fore I began privately to try my hand likewise. I had 
 scarcely tried above once to draw the figure of a man, 
 ere I conceived that I had hit the very features of Mr 
 Wilson. They were so particular, that they could not 
 be easily mistaken, and I was so tickled and pleased 
 with the droll likeness I had drawn, that I laughed 
 immoderately at it. I tried no other figure but this; 
 and I tried it in every situation in which a man and 
 a schoolmaster could be placed. I often wrought 
 for hours together at this likeness, nor was it long 
 
Dnfessions of a Justified Sinner. 113 
 
 before I made myself so much master of the outhne, 
 that I could have drawn it in any situation what- 
 ever, almost off-hand. I then took M'Gill's account 
 book of algebra home with me, and at my leisure put 
 down a number of gross caricatures of Mr Wilson here 
 and there, several of them in situations notoriously ludi- 
 crous. I waited the discovery of this treasure with 
 great impatience ; but the book chancing to be one that 
 M'Gill -was not using, I saw it might be long enough 
 before I enjoyed the consummation of my grand scheme ; 
 therefore wath all the ingenuity I was master of, I 
 brought it before our dominie's eye. But never shall I 
 forget the rage thati gleamed in the tyrant's phiz ! I was 
 actually terrified to look at him, and trembled at his 
 voice. M'Gill was called upon, and examined relating 
 to the obnoxious figures. He denied flatly that any of 
 them were of his doing. But the master inquiring at 
 him whose they were, he could not tell, but affirmed 
 it to be some trick. Mr Wilson at one time began, as I 
 thought, to hesitate; but the evidence was so strong 
 against M'Gill, that at length his solemn asseverations 
 of innocence only proved an aggravation of his crime. 
 There was not one in the school who had ever been 
 known to draw a figure but himself, and on him fell the 
 whole weight of the tyrant's vengeance. It was dreadful; 
 and I was once in hopes that he would not leave life in 
 the culprit. He, however, left the school for several 
 months, refusing to return to be subjected to punishment 
 for the faults of others, and I stood king of the class. 
 
 Matters were at last made up betw^een M'Gill's parents 
 and the schoolmaster; but by that time I had got the 
 start of him, and never in my life did I exert myself so 
 much to keep the mastery. It was in vain; the powers 
 
 H 
 
114 ^^^ Private Memoirs and 
 
 of enchantment prevailed, and I was again turned down 
 with the tear in my eye. I could think of no amends 
 but one, and being driven to desperation, I put it in 
 practice. I told a lie of him. I came boldly up to the 
 master, and told him that M'Gill had in my hearing 
 cursed him in a most shocking manner, and called him 
 vile names. He called M^Gill and charged him with the 
 crime, and the proud young coxcomb was so stunned at 
 the atrocity of the charge, that his face grew as red as 
 crimson, and the words stuck in his throat as he feebly 
 denied it. His guilt was manifest, and he was again 
 flogged most nobly, and dismissed the school for ever in 
 disgrace, as a most incorrigible vagabond. 
 
 This was a great victory gained, and I rejoiced and 
 exulted exceedingly in it. It had, however, very nigh cost 
 me my life; for not long thereafter I encountered M'Gill 
 in the fields, on which he came up and challenged me for 
 a liar, daring me to fight him. I refused, and said that I 
 looked on him as quite below my notice; but he would 
 not quit me, and finally told me that he should either 
 lick me J or I should Izck him, as he had no other m.eans 
 of being revenged on such a scoundrel. I tried to 
 intimidate him, but it would not do; and I believe I 
 would have given all that I had in the world to be quit 
 of him. He at length went so far as first to kick me, and 
 then strike me on the face; and, being both older and 
 stronger than he, I thought it scarcely became me to take 
 such insults patiently. I was, nevertheless, well aware 
 that the devilish powers of his mother would finally pre- 
 vail; and either the dread of this, or the inward con- 
 sciousness of having wronged him, certainly unnerved 
 my arm, for I fought wretchedly, and was soon wholly 
 overcome. I was so sore defeated that I kneeled; and 
 
Dnfessions of a Justified Sinner. 115 
 
 was going to beg his pardon; but another thought struck 
 me momentarily, and I threw myself on my face, and 
 inwardly begged aid from heaven; at the same time I 
 felt as if assured that my prayer was heard, and would 
 be answered. While I was in this humble attitude, the 
 villain kicked me with his foot and cursed me; and I being 
 newly encouraged, arose and encountered him once more. 
 We had not fought long at this second turn, before I 
 saw a man hastening towards us; on which I uttered a 
 shout of joy, and laid on valiantly; but my very next look 
 assured me, that the man was old John Barnet, whom I 
 had likewise wTonged all that was in my power, and 
 between these two wucked persons I expected anything 
 but justice. My arm was again enfeebled, and that of my 
 adversary prevailed. I was knocked down and mauled 
 most grievously, and while the ruffian was kicking and 
 cuffing me at his will and pleasure, up came old John 
 Barnet, breathless with running, and at one blow with 
 his open hand, levelled my opponent with the earth. 
 * Tak ye that, maister ! ' says John, * to learn ye better 
 breeding. Hout awa, man ! an' ye will fight, fight fair. 
 Gude sauf us, ir ye a gentleman's brood, that ye will 
 kick and cuff a lad when he's down ? ' 
 
 When I heard this kind and unexpected interference, 
 I began once more to value myself on my courage, and 
 springing up, I made at my adversary; but John, with- 
 out saying a word, bit his lip, and seizing me by the 
 neck, threw me down. M'Gill begged of him to stand 
 and see fair play, and suffer us to finish the battle; for, 
 added he, ' he is a liar, and a scoundrel, and deserves ten 
 times more than I can give him.' 
 
 'I ken he's a' that ye say, an' mair, my man,' quoth 
 John: ' but am I sure that ye're no as bad, an' waur ? It 
 
ii6 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 says nae muckle for ony o' ye to be tearing like tikes at 
 ane anither here.' 
 
 John cocked his cudgel and stood between us, threaten- 
 ing to knock the one dead who first offered to lift his 
 hand against the other; but perceiving no disposition in 
 any of us to separate, he drove me home before him like 
 a bullock, keeping close guard behind me, lest M'Gill 
 had followed. I felt greatly indebted to John, yet I 
 complained of his interference to my mother, and the 
 old officious sinner got no thanks for his pains. 
 
 As I am writing only from recollection, so I remember 
 of nothing farther in these early days, in the least worthy 
 of being recorded. That I was a great, a transcendent 
 sinner, I confess. But still I had hopes of forgiveness, 
 because I never sinned from principle, but accident ; and 
 then I always tried to repent of these sins by the slump, 
 for individually it was impossible; and though not always 
 successful in my endeavours, I could not help that; the 
 grace of repentance being withheld from me, I regarded 
 myself as in no degree accountable for the failure. More- 
 over, there were many of the most deadly sins into which 
 I never fell, for I dreaded those mentioned in the Revela- 
 tions as excluding sins, so that I guarded against them 
 continually. In particular, I brought myself to despise, 
 if not to abhor the beauty of women, looking on it as 
 the greatest snare to which mankind are subjected, and 
 though young men and maidens, and even old women 
 (my mother among the rest), taxed me with being an 
 unnatural wretch, I gloried in my acquisition ; and to 
 this day am thankful for having escaped the most danger- 
 ous of all snares. 
 
 I kept myself also free of the sins of idolatry, and 
 misbelief, both of a deadly nature; and, upon the whole, 
 
)nfessIons of a Justified Sinner. 117 
 
 I think I had not then broken, that is, absolutely broken, 
 above four out of the ten commandments; but for all 
 that, I had more sense than to regard either my good 
 works, or my evil deeds, as in the smallest degree in- 
 fluencing the eternal decrees of God concerning me, 
 either with regard to my acceptance or reprobation. I 
 depended entirely on the bounty of free grace, holding 
 all the righteousness of man as filthy rags, and believing 
 in the momentous and magnificent truth, that the more 
 heavily loaden with transgressions, the more welcome was 
 the believer at the throne of grace. And I have reason 
 to believe that it was this dependence and this belief 
 that at last ensured my acceptance there. 
 
 I come now to the most important period of my 
 existence — the period that has modelled my character, 
 and influenced every action of my life— without which 
 this detail of my actions would have been as a tale that 
 hath been told — a monotonous farrago — an uninter- 
 esting harangue — in short, a thing of nothing. Whereas, 
 lo ! it must now be a relation of great and terrible 
 actions, done in the might, and by the commission of 
 Heaven. Amen. 
 
 Like the sinful king of Israel, I had been walking 
 softly before the Lord for a season. I had been humbled 
 for my transgressions, and, as far as I recollect, sorry on 
 account of their numbers and heinousness. My reverend 
 father had been, moreover, examining me every day 
 regarding the state of my soul, and my answers some- 
 times appeared to give him satisfaction, and sometimes 
 not. As for my mother, she would harp on the subject 
 of my faith for ever; yet, though I knew her to be a 
 Christian, I confess that I always despised her motley 
 instruction, nor had I any great regard for her person 
 
II 8 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 If this was a crime in me, I never could help it. I con- 
 fess it freely, and believe it was a judgment from heaven 
 inflicted on her for some sin of former days, and that I 
 had no power to have acted otherwise towards her than 
 I did. 
 
 In this frame of mind was I when my reverend father 
 one morning arose from his seat, and, meeting me as I 
 entered the room, he embraced me, and welcomed me 
 into the community of the just upon earth. I was struck 
 speechless, and could make no answer save by looks of 
 surprise. My mother also came to me, kissed, and wept 
 over me ; and after showering unnumbered blessings on 
 my head, she also welcomed me into the society of the 
 just made perfect. Then each of them took me by a hand, 
 and my reverend father explained to me how he had 
 wrestled with God, as the patriarch of old had done, not 
 for a night, but for days and years, and that in bitterness 
 and anguish of spirit, on my account ; but that he 
 had at last prevailed, and had now gained the long and 
 earnestly desired assurance of my acceptance with the 
 Almighty, in and through the merits and sufferings of His 
 Son : that I was now a justified person, adopted among 
 the number of God's children — my name written in the 
 Lamb's book of life, and that no bypast transgressions, 
 nor any future act of my own, or of other men, could be 
 instrumental in altering the decree. ' All the powers of 
 darkness,' added he, ' shall never be able to pluck you 
 again out of your Redeemer's hand. And now, my son, 
 be strong and steadfast in the truth. Set your face against 
 sin, and sinful men, and resist even to blood, as many 
 of the faithful of this land have done and your reward 
 shall be double. I am assured of your acceptance by the 
 word and spirit of Him who cannot err, and your sanctifi- 
 
'onfessions of a Justified Sinner. 119 
 
 cation and repentance unto life will follow in due course. 
 Rejoice and be thankful, for you are plucked as a brand 
 out of the burning, and now your redemption is sealed 
 and sure.' 
 
 I wept for joy to be thus assured of my freedom from 
 all sin, and of the impossibility of my ever again falling 
 away from my new state. I bounded away into the fields 
 and the woods, to pour out my spirit in prayer before 
 the Almighty for His kindness to me : my whole frame 
 seemed to be renewed ; every nerve was buoyant with 
 new life ; I felt as if I could have flown in the air, or 
 leaped over the tops of the trees. An exaltation of spirit 
 lifted me, as it were, far above the earth, and the sinful 
 creatures crawling on its surface ; and I deemed myself as 
 an eagle among the children of men, soaring on high, 
 and looking down with pity and contempt on the grovel- 
 ling creatures below. 
 
 As I thus wended my way, I beheld a young man of 
 a mysterious appearance coming towards me. I tried to 
 shun him, being bent on my own contemplations ; but 
 he- cast himself in my way, so that I could not well avoid 
 him ; and more than that, I felt a sort of invisible power 
 that drew me towards him, something like the force 
 of enchantment, which I could not resist. As we ap- 
 proached each other our eyes met, and I can never 
 describe the strange sensations that thrilled through my 
 whole frame at that impressive moment ; a moment to 
 me fraught with the most tremendous consequences ; the 
 beginning of a series of adventures which has puzzled 
 myself, and will puzzle the world when I am no more in 
 it. That time will soon now arrive, sooner than any one 
 can devise who knows not the tumult of my thoughts, 
 and the labour of my spirit ; and when it hath come and 
 
I20 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 passed over — when my flesh and bones are decayed, and 
 my soul has passed to its everlasting home, then shall 
 the sons of men ponder on the events of my life ; wonder 
 and tremble, and tremble and wonder how such things 
 should be. 
 
 That stranger youth and I approached other in silence, 
 and slowly, with our eyes fixed on each other's eyes. 
 We approached till not more than a yard intervened 
 between us, and then stood still and gazed, measuring 
 each other from head to foot. What was my astonish- 
 ment on perceiving that he was the same being as myself ! 
 The clothes were the same to the smallest item. The 
 form was the same ; the apparent age ; the colour of the 
 hair ; the eyes ; and, as far as recollection could serve 
 me from viewing my own features in a glass, the features 
 too were the very same. I conceived at first that I saw 
 a vision, and that my guardian angel had appeared to me 
 at this important era of my life ; but this singular being 
 read my thoughts in my looks, anticipating the very 
 words that I was going to utter. 
 
 ' You think I am your brother,' said he ; ' or that I am 
 your second self. I am indeed, your brother, not accord- 
 ing to the flesh, but in my belief of the same truths, and 
 my assurance in the same mode of redemption, than 
 which, I hold nothing so great or so glorious on earth.' 
 
 * Then you are an associate well adapted to my present 
 state,' said I. ' For this time is a time of great rejoicing 
 in spirit to me. I am on my way to return thanks to 
 the Most High for my redemption from the bonds of sin 
 and misery. If you will join with me heart and hand 
 in youthful thanksgiving, then shall we two go and 
 worship together, but if not, go your way, and I shall go 
 mine.' 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 121 
 
 'Ah, you little know with how much pleasure I will 
 accompany you, and join with you in your elevated 
 devotions,' said he fervently. ' Your state is a state to 
 be envied indeed ; but I have been advised of it, and am 
 come to be a humble disciple of yours ; to be initiated 
 into the true way of salvation by conversing with you, 
 and perhaps by being assisted by your prayers.' 
 
 My spiritual pride being greatly elevated by this 
 address, I began to assume the preceptor, and questioned 
 this extraordinary youth with regard to his religious 
 principles, telling him plainly, if he was one who expected 
 acceptance with God at all, on account of good works, 
 that I would hold no communion with him. He re- 
 nounced these at once with the greatest vehemence, and 
 declared his acquiescence in my faith. I asked if he be- 
 lieved in the eternal and irrevocable decrees of God, re- 
 garding the salvation and condemnation of all mankind ? 
 He answered that he did so : aye, what would signify all 
 things else that he believed, if he did not believe in 
 that ? We then went on to commune about all our 
 points of belief ; and in everything that I suggested, he 
 acquiesced, and, as I thought that day, often carried them 
 to extremes, so that I had a secret dread he was advan- 
 cing blasphemies. Yet he had such a way with him, and 
 paid such a deference to all my opinions, that I was quite 
 captivated, and, at the same time, I stood in a sort of 
 awe of him, which I could not account for, and several 
 times was seized with an involuntary inclination to escape 
 from his presence, by making a sudden retreat. But he 
 seemed constantly to anticipate my thoughts, and was 
 sure to divert my purpose by some turn in the conversa- 
 tion that particularly interested me. He took care to 
 dwell much on the theme of the impossibility of those 
 
122 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 ever falling away, who were once accepted and received 
 into covenant with God, for he seemed to know, that in 
 that confidence and that trust, my whole hopes were 
 centred. 
 
 We moved about from one place to another, until the 
 day was wholly spent. My mind had all the while been 
 kept in a state of agitation resembling the motion of a 
 whirlpool, and when we came to separate, I then dis- 
 covered that the purpose for which I had sought the 
 fields had been neglected, and that I had been diverted 
 from the worship of God, by attending to the quibbles 
 and dogmas of this singular and unaccountable being, 
 who seemed to have more knowledge and information 
 than all the persons I had ever known put together. 
 
 We parted with expressions of mutual regret, and 
 when I left him I felt a deliverance, but at the same 
 time, a certain consciousness that I was not thus to get 
 free of him, but that he was like to be an acquaintance 
 that was to stick to me for good or for evil. I was 
 astonished at his acuteness and knowledge about every- 
 thing; but as for his likeness to me, that was quite 
 unaccountable. He was the same person in every respect, 
 but yet he was not always so; for I observed several 
 times, when we were speaking of certain divines and their 
 tenets, that his face assumed something of the appearance 
 • of theirs; and it struck me, that by setting his features 
 to the mould of other people's, he entered at once into 
 their conceptions and feelings. I had been greatly 
 flattered and greatly interested by his conversation; 
 whether I had been the better for it or the worse, I could 
 not tell. I had been diverted from returning thanks to 
 my gracious Maker for His great kindness to me, and 
 came home as I went away, but not with the same 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 123 
 
 buoyancy and lightness of heart. Well may I remember 
 that day in which I was first received into the number, 
 and made an heir to all the privileges of the children of 
 God, and on which I first met this mysterious associate, 
 who from that day forth, contrived to wind himself into 
 all my affairs, both spiritual and temporal, to this day on 
 which I am writing the account of it. It was on the 
 25th day of March, 1704, when I had just entered the 
 eighteenth year of my age. Whether it behoves me to 
 bless God for the events of that day, or to deplore them, 
 has been hid from my discernment, though I have 
 inquired into it with fear and trembling; and I have now 
 lost all hopes of ever discovering the true import of these 
 events until that day when my accounts are to make up 
 and reckon for in another world. 
 
 When I came home, I went straight into the parlour, 
 where my mother was sitting by herself. She started to 
 her feet, and uttered a smothered scream. 'What ails 
 you, Robert ? ' cried she. ' My dear son, what is the 
 matter with you ? ' 
 
 ' Do you see anything the matter with me ? ' said I. 
 * It appears that the ailment is with yourself, and either 
 in your crazed head or your dim eyes, for there is nothing 
 the matter with me.' 
 
 ' Ah, Robert, you are ill,' cried she ; ' you are very ill, 
 my dear boy ; you are quite changed ; your very voice 
 and manner are changed. Ah, Jane, haste you up to 
 the study, and tell Mr Wringhim to come here on the 
 instant and speak to Robert.' 
 
 ' I beseech you, woman, to restrain yourself,' said I. 
 ' If you suffer your frenzy to run away with your 
 judgment in this manner, I will leave the house. What 
 
124 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 do you mean ? I tell you, there is nothing ails me : I 
 never was better.' 
 
 She screamed, and ran between me and the door, to 
 bar my retreat : in the meantime my reverend father 
 entered, and I have not forgot how he gazed, through his 
 glasses, first at my mother, and then at me. I imagined 
 that his eyes burnt like candles, and was afraid of him, 
 which I suppose made my looks more unstable than they 
 would otherwise have been. 
 
 ' What is all this for ? ' said he. ' Mistress ! Robert ! 
 What is the matter here ? ' 
 
 ' Oh, sir, our boy ! ' cried my mother ; ' our dear boy, 
 Mr Wringhim ! Look at him, and speak to him : he is 
 either dying or translated, sir I '- 
 
 He looked at me Avith a countenance of great alarm ; 
 mumbling some sentences to himself, and then taking me 
 by the arm, as if to feel my pulse, he said, with a faltering 
 voice, ' Something has indeed befallen you, either in body 
 or mind, boy, for you are so transformed since the morn- 
 ing, that I could not have known you for the same 
 person. Have you met with any accident ? ' 
 
 'No.' 
 
 ' Have you seen anything out of the ordinary course of 
 nature ? ' 
 
 'No.' 
 
 ' Then, Satan, I fear, has been busy with you, tempting 
 you in no ordinary degree at this momentous crisis of 
 your life .^ ' 
 
 My mind turned on my associate for the day, and the 
 idea that he might be an agent of the devil, had such an 
 effect on me, that I could make no answer. 
 
 'I see how it is,' said he; 'you are troubled in spirit, 
 and I have no doubt that the enemy of our salvation has 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 125 
 
 been busy with you. Tell me this, has he overcome you, 
 or has he not ?' 
 
 * He has not, my dear father,' said I, 'In the strength 
 of the Lord, I hope I have withstood him. But indeed, 
 if he has been busy with me, I knew it not. I have 
 been conversant this day with one stranger only, whom 
 I took rather for an angel of light.' 
 
 * It is one of the devil's most profound wiles to appear 
 like one,' said my mother. 
 
 * Woman, hold thy peace ! ' said my reverend father : 
 ' thou pretendest to teach what thou knowest not. Tell 
 me this, boy. Did this stranger, with whom you met, 
 adhere to the religious principles in which I have edu- 
 cated you ? ' 
 
 ' Yes, to every one of them, in their fullest latitude,' 
 said I. 
 
 * Then he was no agent of the wicked one with whom 
 you held converse,' said he; 'for that is the doctrine that 
 was made to overturn the principalities and powers, the 
 might and dominion of the kingdom of darkness. Let 
 us pray.' 
 
 After spending about a quarter of an hour in solemn 
 and sublime thanksgiving, this saintly man and minister 
 of Jesus Christ, gave out that the day following should 
 be kept by the family as a day of solemn thanksgiving, 
 and spent in prayer and praise, on account of the calling 
 and election of one of its members; or rather for the 
 election of that individual being revealed on earth, ^as 
 well as confirmed in heaven. 
 
 The next day was with me a day of holy exultation. 
 It was begun by my reverend father laying his hands 
 upon my head and blessing me, and then dedicating me 
 to the Lord in the most awful and impressive manner. 
 
126 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 It was in no common way that he exercised this profound 
 rite, for it was done with all the zeal and enthusiasm of 
 a devotee to the true cause, and a champion on the side 
 he had espoused. He used these remarkable words, 
 which I have still treasured up in my heart : — ' I give 
 him unto Thee only, to Thee wholly, and to Thee for 
 ever. I dedicate him unto Thee, soul, body, and spirit, 
 not as the wicked of this world, or the hirelings of a 
 church profanely called by Thy name, do I dedicate this 
 Thy servant to Thee : not in words and form, learned by 
 rote, and dictated by the limbs of Antichrist, but. Lord, I 
 give him into Thy hand, as a captain putteth a sword 
 into the hand of his sovereign, wherewith to lay waste 
 his enemies. May he be a two-edged weapon in Thy 
 hand, and a spear coming out of Thy mouth, to destroy, 
 and overcome, and pass over; and may the enemies of 
 Thy church fall down before him, and be as dung to fat 
 the land ! ' 
 
 From that moment, I conceived it decreed, not that I 
 should be a minister of the gospel, but a champion of it, 
 to cut off the enemies of the Lord from the face of the 
 earth ; and I rejoiced in the commission, finding it more 
 congenial to my nature to be cutting sinners off with the 
 sword, than to be haranguing them from the pulpit, 
 striving to produce an effect, which God, by his act of 
 absolute predestination, had for ever rendered impractic- 
 able. The more I pondered on these things, the more I 
 saw of the folly and inconsistency of ministers, in spend- 
 ing their lives, striving and remonstrating with sinners, in 
 order to induce them to do that which they had it not in 
 their power to do. Seeing that God had from all eternity 
 decided the fate of every individual that was to be born 
 of woman, how vain was it in man to endeavour to save 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 127 
 
 those whom their Maker had, by an unchangeable decree, 
 doomed to destruction. I could not disbelieve the doc- 
 trine which the best of men had taught me, and towards 
 which he made the whole of the Scriptures to bear, and 
 yet it made the economy of the Christian world appear to 
 me as an absolute contradiction. How much more wise 
 would it be, thought I, to begin and cut sinners off with 
 the sword ! for till that is eflfected, the saints can never 
 inherit the earth in peace. Should I be honoured as an 
 instrument to begin this great work of purification, I 
 should rejoice in it. But then, where had I the means, 
 or under what direction was I to begin ? There was one 
 thing clear, I was now the Lord's, and it behoved me to 
 bestir myself in His service. O that I had an host at my 
 command, then would I be as a devouring fire among the 
 workers of iniquity ! 
 
 Full of these great ideas, I hurried through the city 
 and sought again the private path through the field and 
 wood of Finnieston, in which my reverend preceptor had 
 the privilege of walking for study, and to which he had a 
 key that was always at my command. Near one of the 
 stiles, I perceived a young man sitting in a devout 
 posture, reading a Bible. He rose, lifted his hat, and 
 made an obeisance to me, which I returned and walked 
 on. I had not well crossed the stile, till it struck me I 
 knew the face of the youth, and that he was some 
 intimate acquaintance, to whom I ought to have spoken. 
 I walked on, and returned, and walked on again, trying 
 to recollect who he was; but for my life I could not. 
 There was, however, a fascination in his look and 
 manner, that drew me back towards him in spite of 
 myself, and I resolved to go to him, if it were merely to 
 speak and see who he was. 
 
128 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 I came up to him and addressed him, but he was so 
 intent on his book, that, though I spoke, he Hfted not 
 his eyes. I looked on the book also, and still it seemed 
 a Bible, having columns, chapters, and verses; but it was 
 in a language of which I was wholly ignorant, and all 
 intersected with red lines and verses. A sensation 
 resembling a stroke of electricity came over me, on first 
 casting my eyes on that mysterious book, and I stood 
 motionless. He looked up, smiled, closed his book, and 
 put it in his bosom. 'You seem strangely affected, dear 
 sir, by looking on my book,' said he mildly. 
 
 ' In the name of God what book is that ? ' said I : ' is 
 it a Bible ? ' 
 
 'It is my Bible, sir,' said he; 'but I will cease reading 
 it, for I am glad to see you. Pray, is not this a day of 
 holy festivity with you ? ' 
 
 I stared in his face, but made no answer, for my senses 
 were bewildered. 
 
 ' Do you not know me ? ' said he. ' You appear to be 
 somehow at a loss. Had not you and I some sweet 
 communion and fellowship yesterday ? ' 
 
 * I beg your pardon, sir,' said I. ' But surely if you are 
 the young gentleman with whom I spent the hours 
 yesterday, you have the chameleon art of changing 3^our 
 appearance; I never could have recognised you.' 
 
 ' My countenance changes with my studies and sensa- 
 tions,' said he. 'It is a natural peculiarity in me, over 
 which I have not full control. If I contemplate a man's 
 features seriously, mine own gradually assume the very 
 same appearance and character. And what is more, by 
 contemplating a face minutely, I not only attain the 
 same likeness, but, with the likeness, I attain the very 
 same ideas as well as the same mode of arranging them, 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 129 
 
 so that, you see, by looking at a person attentively, I by 
 degrees assume his likeness, and by assuming his likeness, 
 I attain to the possession of his most secret thoughts. 
 This, I say, is a peculiarity in my nature, a gift of the 
 God that made me; but whether or not given me for a 
 blessing. He knows Himself and so do I. At all events, I 
 have this privilege — I can never be mistaken of a 
 character in whom I am interested.' 
 
 ' It is a rare qualification,' replied I, ' and I would give 
 worlds to possess it. Then, it appears, that it is needless 
 to dissemble with you, since you can at any time extract 
 our most secret thoughts from our bosoms. You already 
 know my natural character ? ' 
 
 ' Yes,' said he, ' and it is that which attaches me to you. 
 By assuming your likeness yesterday, I became acquainted 
 with your character, and was no less astonished at the 
 profundity and range of your thoughts, than at the 
 heroic magnanimity with which these were combined. 
 And now, in addition to these, you are dedicated to the 
 great work of the Lord ; for which reasons I have resolved 
 to attach myself as closely to you as possible, and to 
 render you all the service of which my poor abilities are 
 capable.' 
 
 I confess that I was greatly flattered by these compli- 
 ments paid to my abilities by a youth of such superior 
 qualifications; by one who, with a modesty, and affability 
 rare at his age, combined a height of genius and 
 knowledge almost above human comprehension. Never- 
 theless, I began to assume a certain superiority of de- 
 meanour towards him, as judging it incumbent on me to 
 do so, in order to keep up his idea of my exalted char- 
 acter. We conversed again till the day was near a close ; 
 and the things that he strove most to inculcate on my 
 
 I 
 
130 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 mind, were the infallibility of the elect, and the pre- 
 ordination of all things that come to pass. I pretended 
 to controvert the first of these, for the purpose of show- 
 ing him the extent of my argumentative powers, and 
 said, that, ' Indubitably there were degrees of sinning 
 which would induce the Almighty to throw off the very 
 elect.' But behold my hitherto humble and modest com- 
 panion took up the argument with such warmth, that he 
 put me not only to silence, but to absolute shame. 
 "*--' Why, sir,' said he, * by vending such an insinuation, 
 you put discredit on the great atonement, in which you 
 trust. Is there not enough of merit in the blood of 
 Jesus to save thousands of worlds, if it was for these 
 worlds that He died ? Now, when you know as you do 
 (and as every one of the elect may know of himself), that 
 this Saviour died for you, namely and particularly, dare 
 you say that there is not enough of merit in His great 
 atonement to annihilate all your sins, let them be as 
 heinous and atrocious as they may ? And, moreover, do 
 you not acknowledge that God hath pre-ordained and 
 decreed whatsoever comes to pass ? Then, how is it that 
 you should deem it in your power to eschew one action of 
 your life, whether good or evil ? Depend on it, the 
 advice of the great preacher is genuine : " What thy 
 hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might, for none of 
 us know what a day may bring forth ? " That is, none of 
 us know what is pre-ordained, but whatever is pre- 
 ordained we must do, and none of these things will be 
 laid to our charge.' 
 
 I could hardly believe that these sayings were genuine 
 or orthodox; but I soon felt, that, instead of being a humble 
 disciple of mine, this new acquaintance was to be my 
 guide and director, and all under the humble guise of one 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 131 
 
 stooping at my feet to learn the right. He said that he 
 saw I was ordained to perform some great action for the 
 cause of Jesus and His Church, and he earnestly coveted 
 being a partaker with me; but he besought of me never 
 to think it possible for me to fall from the truth, or the 
 favour of Him who had chosen me, else that misbelief 
 w^ould baulk every good work to which I set my face. 
 There was something so flattering in all this, that 
 I could not resist it. Still, when he took leave of 
 me, I felt it as a great relief; and yet, before the 
 morrow, I wearied and was impatient to see him again. 
 We carried on our fellowship from day to day, and all 
 the while I knew not who he was, and still my mother 
 and reverend father kept insisting that I was an altered 
 youth, changed in my appearance, my manners, and my 
 whole conduct; yet something always prevented me from 
 telling them more about my new acquaintance than I 
 had done on the first day we met. I rejoiced in him, 
 was proud of him, and soon could not live without him; 
 yet, though resolved every day to disclose the whole 
 history of my connection with him, I had it not in my 
 power : something always prevented me, till at length I 
 thought no more of it, but resolved to enjoy his 
 fascinating company in private, and by all means to keep 
 my own with him. The resolution was vain : I set a 
 bold face to it, but my powers were inadequate to the 
 task; my adherent, with all the suavity imaginable, was 
 sure to carry his point. I sometimes fumed, and some- 
 times shed tears at being obliged to yield to proposals 
 against which I had at first felt every reasoning power 
 of my soul rise in opposition; but, for all that, he never 
 failed in carrying conviction along with him in eflfect, for 
 he either forced me to acquiesce in his measures, and 
 
1^2 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 assent to the truth of his positions, or he put me so 
 completely down, that I had not a word left to advance 
 against them. 
 
 After weeks, I may say months of intimacy, I observed, 
 somewhat to my amazement, that we had never once 
 prayed together; and more than that, that he had 
 constantly led my attentions away from that duty, 
 causing me to neglect it wholly. I thought this a bad 
 mark of a man seemingly so much set on inculcating 
 certain important points of religion, and resolved next 
 day to put him to the test, and request of him to perform 
 that sacred duty in name of us- both. He objected 
 boldly; saying there were very few people indeed with 
 whom he could join in prayer, and he made a point 
 of never doing it, as he was sure they were to ask many 
 things of which he disapproved, and that if he were to 
 officiate himself, he was as certain to allude to many 
 things that came not within the range of their faith. 
 He disapproved of pra3^er altogether in the manner it 
 was generally gone about, he said. Man made it -merely 
 a selfish concern, and was constantly employed asking, 
 asking, for everything. Whereas it became all God's 
 creatures to be content with their lot, and only to kneel 
 before Him in order to thank Him for such benefits as 
 He saw meet to bestow. In short, he argued with such 
 energy, that before we parted I acquiesced, as usual, in 
 his position, and never mentioned prayer to him any 
 more. 
 
 Having been so frequently seen in his company, several 
 people happened to mention the circumstance to my 
 mother and reverend father; but at the same time had 
 all described him differently. At length they began to 
 examine me with respect to the company I kept, as I 
 
Confessions of a Justitied Sinner. 133 
 
 absented myself from home day after day. I told them I 
 kept company only with one young gentleman, whose 
 whole manner of thinking on religious subjects, I found 
 so congenial with my own, that I could not live out of his 
 society. My mother began to lay down some of her old 
 hackneyed rules of faith, but I turned from hearing her 
 with disgust; for, after the energy of my new friend's 
 reasoning, hers appeared so tame I could not endure it. 
 And I confess with shame, that my reverend preceptor's 
 religious dissertations began, about this time, to lose their 
 relish very much, and by degrees became exceedingly 
 tiresome to my ear. They were so inferior, in strength 
 and sublimity, to the most common observations of my 
 3-oung friend, that in drawing a comparison the former 
 appeared as nothing. He, however, examined me about 
 many things relating to my companion, in all of which I 
 satisfied him, save in one : I could neither tell him who 
 my friend was, what was his name, nor of whom he was 
 descended; and I wondered at myself how I had never 
 once adverted to such a thing, for all the time we had 
 been intimate. 
 
 I inquired the next day what his name was ; as I 
 said I was often at a loss for it, when talking with him. 
 He replied, that there was no occasion for any one 
 friend ever naming another, when their society was held 
 in private, as ours was ; for his part he had never once 
 named me since we first met, and never intended to 
 do so, unless by my own request. ' But if you cannot 
 converse without naming me, you may call me Gil for 
 the present,' added he ; ^ and if I think proper to take 
 another name at any future period, it shall be with your 
 approbation.' 
 
 ' Gil ! ' said I ; ' have you no name but Gil ? Or 
 
134 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 which of your names is it ? — your- Christian or sur- 
 name ? ' 
 
 ' O, you must have a surname too, must you ! ' replied 
 he ; ' Very well, you may call me Gil-Martin. It is not 
 my Christian name ; but it is a name which may serve 
 your turn.' 
 
 ' This is very strange ! ' said I. ' Are you ashamed 
 of your parents, that you refuse to give your real 
 name ? ' 
 
 ' I have no parents save one, whom I do not acknow- 
 ledge,' said he proudly ; * therefore pray drop that 
 subject, for it is a disagreeable one. I am a being of 
 a very peculiar temper, for though I have servants and 
 subjects more than I can number, yet, to gratify a 
 certain whim, I have left them, and retired to this city, 
 and for all the society it contains, you see I have 
 attached myself only to you. This is a secret, and I 
 tell it you only in friendship, therefore pray let it 
 remain one, and say not another word about the 
 matter.' 
 
 I assented, and said no more concerning it ; for it 
 instantly struck me that this was no other than 
 the Czar Peter of Russia, having heard that he had 
 been travelling through Europe in disguise, and I cannot 
 say that I had not thenceforward great and mighty 
 hopes of high preferment, as a defender and avenger 
 of the oppressed Christian Church, under the influence 
 of this great potentate. He had hinted as much 
 already, as that it was more honourable, and of more 
 avail to put down the wicked with the sword, than try 
 to reform them, and I thought myself quite justified in 
 supposing that he intended me for some great employ- 
 ment, that he had thus selected me for his companion 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 135 
 
 out of all the rest in Scotland, and even pretended 
 to learn the great truths of religion from my mouth. 
 From that time I felt disposed to yield to such a great 
 prince's suggestions without hesitation. 
 
 Nothing ever astonished me so much, as the uncommon 
 powers with which he seemed invested. In our walk one 
 day, we met with a Mr Blanchard, who was reckoned a 
 worthy, pious divine, but quite of the moral cast, who 
 joined us; and we three walked on, and rested together 
 in the fields. My companion did not seem to like him, 
 but, nevertheless, regarded him frequently with deep 
 attention, and there were several times, while he seemed 
 contemplating him, and trying to find out his thoughts, 
 that his face became so like Mr Blanchard's, that it was 
 impossible to have distinguished the one from the other. 
 The antipathy between the two was mutual, and dis- 
 covered itself quite palpably in a short time. When my 
 companion the prince was gone, Mr Blanchard asked me 
 anent him, and I told him that he was a stranger in the 
 city, but a very uncommon and great personage. Mr 
 Blanchard's answer to me was as follows : * I never saw 
 anybody I disliked so much in my life, Mr Robert; and 
 if it be true that he is a stranger here, which I doubt, 
 believe me he is come for no good.' 
 
 ' Do you not perceive what mighty powers of mind he 
 is possessed of?' said I, 'and also how clear and un- 
 hesitating he is on some of the most interesting points of 
 divinity ? ' 
 
 ' It is for his great mental faculties that I dread him,' 
 said he. ' It is incalculable what evil such a person as he 
 may do, if so disposed. There is a sublimity in his ideas, 
 with which there is to me a mixture of terror; and 
 when he talks of religion, he does it as one that rather 
 
136 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 dreads its truths than reverences them. He, indeed, 
 pretends great strictness of orthodoxy regarding some of 
 the points of doctrine embraced by the reformed church; 
 but you do not seem to perceive, that both you and he 
 are carrrying these points to a dangerous extremity. 
 ReHgion is a subHme and glorious thing, the bond of 
 society on earth, and the connector of humanity with 
 the Divine nature ; but there is nothing so dangerous 
 to man as the wresting of any of its principles, or 
 forcing them beyond their due bounds : this is of all 
 others the readiest way to destruction. Neither is 
 there anything so easily done. There is not an error 
 into which a man can fall, which he may not press 
 Scripture into his service as proof of the probity of, 
 and though your boasted theologian shunned the full 
 discussion of the subject before me, Avhile you pressed it, 
 I can easily see that both you and he are carrying your 
 ideas of absolute predestination, and its concomitant 
 appendages, to an extent that overthrows all religion 
 and revelation together; or, at least, jumbles them into a 
 chaos, out of which human capacity can never select 
 what is good. Believe me, Mr Robert, the less you 
 associate with that illustrious stranger the better, for 
 it appears to me that your creed and his carries dam- 
 nation on the very front of it.' 
 
 I was rather stunned at this ; but I pretended to 
 smile with disdain, and said, it did not become 3^outh 
 to control age ; and, as I knew our principles differed 
 fundamentally, it behoved us to drop the subject. He, 
 however, would not drop it, but took both my principles 
 and me fearfully to task, for Blanchard was an eloquent 
 and powerful-minded old man ; and, before w^e parted. 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 137 
 
 I believe I promised to drop my new acquaintance, and 
 was all btU resolved to do it. 
 
 As well might I have laid my account with shunning 
 the light of day. He was constant to me as my shadow, 
 and by degrees he acquired such an ascendency over me, 
 that I never was happy out of his company, nor greatly 
 so in it. When I repeated to him all that Mr Blanchard 
 had said, his countenance kindled with indignation and 
 rage; and then by degrees his eyes sunk inward, his 
 brow lowered, so that I was awed, and withdrew my eyes 
 from looking at him. A while afterwards, as I was 
 addressing him, I chanced to look him again in the face, 
 and the sight of him made me start violently. He had 
 made himself so like Mr Blanchard, that I actually 
 believed I had been addressing that gentleman, and that 
 I had done so in some absence of mind that I could not 
 account for. Instead of being amused at the quandary I 
 was in, he seemed offended : indeed, he never was truly 
 amused with anything. And he then asked me sullenly, 
 if I conceived such personages as he to have no other 
 endowments than common mortals ! 
 
 I said I never conceived that princes or potentates had 
 any greater share of endowments than other men, and 
 frequently not so much. He shook his head, and bade 
 me think over the subject again; and there was an end 
 of it. I certainly felt every day the more disposed to 
 acknowledge such a superiority in him, and from all that 
 I could gather, I had now no doubt that he was Peter of 
 Russia. Everything combined to warrant the supposi- 
 tion, and, of course, I resolved to act in conformity with 
 the discovery I had made. 
 
 For several days the subject of Mr Blanchard's doubts 
 and doctrines formed the theme of our discourse. My 
 
1^8 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 o 
 
 friend deprecated them most devoutly; and then again 
 he would deplore them, and lament the great evil that 
 such a man might do among the human race. I joined 
 with him in allowing the evil in its fullest latitude ; and, 
 at length, after he thought he had fully prepared my 
 nature for such a trial of its powers and abilities, he 
 proposed calmly that we two should make away with Mr 
 Blanchard. I was so shocked, that my bosom became as 
 it were a void, and the beatings of my heart sounded loud 
 and hollow in it; my breath cut, and my tongue and 
 palate became dry and speechless. He mocked at my 
 cowardice, and began a-reasoning on the matter with 
 such powerful eloquence, that before we parted, I felt 
 fully convinced that it was my bounden duty to slay Mr 
 Blanchard; but my will was far, very far from consenting 
 to the deed. 
 
 I spent the following night without sleep, or nearly so ; 
 and the next morning, by the time the sun rose, I was 
 again abroad, and in the company of my illustrious 
 friend. The same subject was resumed, and again he 
 reasoned to the following purport: — That supposing me 
 placed at the head of an army of Christian soldiers, all 
 bent on putting down the enemies of the Church, would 
 I have any hesitation in destroying and rooting out 
 these enemies ? — None surely. — Well then, when I saw 
 and was convinced, that here was an individual who was 
 doing more detriment to the Church of Christ on earth, 
 than tens of thousands of such warriors were capable of 
 doing, was it not my duty to cut him off and save the 
 elect ? ' He, who would be a champion in the cause of 
 Christ and his Church, my brave young friend,' added 
 he, ' must begin early, and no man can calculate to what 
 an illustrious eminence small beginnings may lead. If 
 
bnfessions of a Justified Sinner. 139 
 
 the man Blanchard is worthy, he is only changing his 
 situation for a better one ; and if unworthy, it is better 
 that one fall, than that a thousand souls perish. Let us 
 be up and doing in our vocations. For me, my resolu- 
 tion is taken ; I have but one great aim in this world, 
 and I never for a moment lose sight of it.' 
 
 I was obliged to admit the force of his reasoning ; for 
 though I cannot from memory repeat his words, his 
 eloquence was of that overpowering nature, that the 
 subtility of other men sunk before it ; and there is also 
 little doubt that the assurance I had that these words 
 were spoken by a great potentate, who could raise me to 
 the highest eminence (provided that I entered into his 
 extensive and decisive measures), assisted mightily in dis- 
 pelling my youthful scruples and qualms of conscience ; 
 and I thought moreover, that having such a powerful 
 back friend to support me, I hardly needed to be afraid 
 of the consequences I consented ! But begged a little 
 time to think of it. He said the less one thought of a 
 duty the better ; and we parted. 
 
 But the most singular instance of this wonderful man's 
 power over my mind was, that he had as complete influ- 
 ence over me by night as by day. All my dreams corres- 
 pond exactly with his suggestions ; and when he was 
 absent from me, still his arguments sunk deeper in my 
 heart than even when he was present. I dreamed that 
 night of a great triumph obtained, and though the whole 
 scene was but dimly and confusedly defined in my vision, 
 yet the overthrow and death of Mr Blanchard was the 
 first step by which I attained the eminent station I 
 occupied. Thus, by dreaming of the event by night, and 
 discoursing of it by day, it soon became so familiar to 
 my mind, that I almost conceived it as done. It was 
 
140 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 resolved on ; which was the first and greatest victory 
 gained ; for there was no difficulty in finding opportuni- 
 ties enow of Cutting off a man, who, every good day, was 
 to be found walking by himself in private grounds. I 
 went and heard him preach for two days, and in fact I 
 held his tenets scarcely short of blasphemy ; they were 
 such as I had never heard before, and his congregation, 
 which was numerous, were turning up their ears, and 
 drinking in his doctrines with the utmost delight ; for O, 
 they suited their carnal natures and self-sufficiency to a 
 hair ! He was actually holding it forth as a fact, that, 
 ' It was every man's own blame if he was not saved ? ' 
 What horrible misconstruction ! And then he was 
 alleging, and trying to prove from nature and reason 
 that no man ever was guilty of a sinful action, who 
 might not have declined it had he so chosen ! ' Wretched 
 controvertist ! ' thought I to myself a hundred times, 
 ' shall not the sword of the Lord be moved from its place 
 of peace for such presumptuous and absurd testimonies as 
 these ! ' 
 
 When I began to tell the prince about these false 
 doctrines, to my astonishment I found that he had been 
 in the church himself, and had every argument that the 
 old divine had used verbatim ; and he remarked on them 
 with great concern, that these were not the tenets that 
 corresponded with his views in society, and that he had 
 agents in every city, and every land, exerting their 
 powers to put them down. I asked, with great simplicity, 
 * Are all your subjects Christians, prince ? ' 
 
 ' All my European subjects are, or deem themselves so,' 
 returned he; 'and they are the most faithful and true 
 subjects I have.' 
 
 Who could doubt, after this, that he was the Czar of 
 
[Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 141 
 
 Russia ? I have nevertheless had reasons to doubt of his 
 identity since that period, and which of my conjectures 
 is right I beHeve the God of heaven only knows, for I do 
 not. I shall go on to write such things as I remember, 
 and if any one shall ever take the trouble to read over 
 these confessions, such a one will judge for himself. It 
 will be observed, that ever since I fell in with this 
 extraordinary person, I have written about him only, and 
 I must continue to do so to the end of this memoir, as I 
 have performed no great or interesting action in which 
 he had not a principal share. 
 
 He came to me one day and said, 'We must not 
 linger thus in executing what we have resolved on. We 
 have much before our hands to perform for the benefit 
 of mankind, both civil as well as religious. Let us do 
 what we have to do here, and then we must wend our 
 way to other cities, and perhaps to other countries. Mr 
 Blanchard is to hold forth in the high church of Paisley 
 on Sunday next, on some particularly great occasion : 
 this must be defeated ; he must not go there. As he 
 will be busy arranging his discourses, we may expect him 
 to be walking by himself in Finnieston Dell the greater 
 part of Friday and Saturday. Let us go and cut him off. 
 What is the life of a man more than the life of a lamb, or 
 any guiltless animal ? It is not half so much, especially 
 when we consider the immensity of the mischief this 
 old fellow is working among our fellow-creatures. Can 
 there be any doubt that it is the duty of one consecrated 
 to God, to cut off such a mildew ? ' 
 
 * I fear me, great sovereign,' said I, ' that your ideas 
 of retribution are too sanguine, and too arbitrary for 
 the laws of this country. I dispute not that your 
 
142 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 motives are great and high ; but have you debated the 
 consequences, and settled the result ? ' 
 
 ' I have,' returned he, * and hold myself amenable for 
 the action, to the laws of God and of equity; as to the 
 enactments of men, I despise them. Fain would I see 
 the weapon of the Lord of hosts begin the work of 
 vengeance that awaits it to do.' 
 
 I could not help thinking, that I perceived a little 
 derision of countenance on his face as he said this, never- 
 theless I sunk dumb before such a man, and aroused 
 myself to the task, seeing he would not have it deferred. 
 I approved of it in theory, but my spirit stood aloof 
 from the practice. I saw and was convinced that the 
 elect of God would be happier, and purer, were the 
 wicked and unbelievers all cut off from troubling and 
 misleading them, but if it had not been the instigations 
 of this illustrious stranger, I should never have presumed 
 to begin so great a work myself. Yet, though he often 
 aroused my zeal to the highest pitch, still my heart at — 
 times shrank from the shedding of life-blood, and it was 
 only at the earnest and unceasing instigations of my 
 enlightened and voluntary patron, that I at length put 
 my hand to the conclusive work. After I said all that I 
 could say, and all had been overborne (I remember my ^ 
 actions and words as well as it had been yesterday), I 
 turned round hesitatingly, and looked up to heaven for 
 direction ; but there was a dimness came over my eyes 
 that I could not see. The appearance was as if there had 
 been a veil drawn over me, so nigh that I put up my 
 hand to feel it ; and then Gil-Martin (as this great 
 sovereign was pleased to have himself called), frowned, 
 and asked me what I was grasping at ? I knew not what 
 to, say, but answered, with fear and shame, *I have no 
 
nfessions of a Justified Sinner. 143 
 
 weapons, not one ; nor know I where any are to be 
 found.' 
 
 ' The God whom thou servest will provide these/ said 
 he, ' if thou provest worthy of the trust committed to 
 thee.' 
 
 I looked again up into the cloudy veil that covered us, 
 and thought I beheld golden weapons of every description 
 let down in it, but all with their points towards me. I 
 kneeled, and was going to stretch out my hand to take 
 one, when my patron seized me, as I thought, by the 
 clothes, and dragged me away with as much ease as I had 
 been a lamb, saying, with a joyful and elevated voice, — 
 ' Come, my friend, let us depart : thou art dreaming — 
 thou art dreaming. Rouse up all the energies of thy 
 exalted mind, for thou art an highly-favoured one ; and 
 doubt thou not, that He whom thou servest will be ever 
 at thy right and left hand, to direct and assist thee.' 
 
 These words, but particularly the vision I had seen, of 
 the golden weapons descending out of Heaven, inflamed 
 my zeal to that height that I was as one beside himself; 
 which my parents perceived that night, and made some 
 motions toward confining me to my room. I joined in 
 the family prayers, and then I afterwards sung a psalm, 
 and prayed by myself; and I had good reasons for believ- 
 ing that that small oblation of praise and prayer was not 
 turned to sin. But there are strange things, and un- 
 accountable agencies in nature. He only who dwells 
 between the Cherubim can unriddle them, unto him the 
 honour must redound for ever. Amen, 
 
 I felt greatly strengthened and encouraged that night, 
 and the next morning I ran to meet my companion, out 
 of whose eye I had now no life. He rejoiced at seeing 
 me so forward in the great work of-reformation by blood, 
 
144 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 and said many things to raise my hopes of future fame 
 and glory ; and then, producing two pistols of pure 
 beaten gold, he held them out and proffered me the 
 choice of one, saying, ' See what thy master hath pro- 
 vided thee ! ' I took one of them 'eagerly, for I perceived 
 at once that they were two of the very weapons that 
 were let down from Heaven in the cloudy veil, the dim 
 tapestry of the firmament ; and I said to myself, ' Surely 
 this is the will of the Lord.' 
 
 The little splendid and enchanting piece was so 
 perfect, so complete, and so ready for executing the 
 will of the donor, that I now longed to use it in his 
 service. I loaded it with my own hand, as Gil-Martin 
 did the other, and we took our stations behind a bush 
 of hawthorn and bramble on the verge of the wood, 
 and almost close to the walk. My patron was so acute 
 in all his calculations that he never mistook an event. 
 We had not taken our stand above a minute and a 
 half, till old Mr Blanchard appeared, coming slowly on 
 the path. When we saw him we cowered down, and 
 leaned each of us a knee upon the ground, pointing 
 the pistols through the bush, with an aim so steady, 
 that it was impossible to miss our victim. 
 
 He came deliberately on, pausing at times so long, 
 that we dreaded he was going to turn. Gil-Martin 
 dreaded it, and I said I did, but wished in my heart 
 that he might. He, however, came onward, and I will 
 never forget the manner in which he came ! No — I don't 
 believe I ever can forget it, either in the narrow bounds 
 of time or the ages of eternity ! He was a boardly ill- 
 shaped man, of a rude exterior, and a little bent with 
 age ; his hands were clasped behind his back, and below 
 his coat, and he walked with a slow swinging air that 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 145 
 
 was very peculiar. When he paused and looked abroad 
 on nature, the act was highly impressive : he seemed 
 conscious of being all alone, and conversant only with 
 God and the elements of his creation. Never was there 
 such a picture of human inadvertency ! a man approach- 
 ing step by step to the one that was to hurl him out 
 of one existence into another, with as much ease and 
 indifference as the ox goeth to the stall. Hideous vision, 
 wilt thou not be gone from my mental sight ! If not, 
 let me bear with thee as I can ! 
 
 When he came straight opposite to the muzzles of our 
 pieces, Gil-Martin called out, ' Eh ! ' with a short quick 
 sound. The old man, without starting, turned his face 
 and breast towards us, and looked into the wood, but 
 looked over our heads. ' Now ! ' whispered my com- 
 panion, and fired. But my hand refused the office, for I 
 was not at that moment sure about becoming an assassin 
 in the cause of Christ and His Church. I thought I 
 heard a sweet voice behind whispering me to beware, 
 and I was going to look round, when my companion 
 exclaimed, ' Coward, we are ruined ! ' 
 
 I had no time for an alternative : Gil-Martin's ball had 
 not taken effect, which was altogether wonderful, as 
 the old man's breast was within a few yards of him. 
 ' Hilloa ! ' cried Blanchard ; ' what is that for, you dog ! ' 
 and with that he came forward to look over the bush. 
 I hesitated, as I said, and attempted to look behind me ; 
 but there was no time: the next step discovered two 
 assassins lying in covert, waiting for blood. * Coward, 
 we are ruined!' cried my .indignant friend; and that 
 moment my piece was discharged. The effect was as 
 might have been expected: the old man first stumbled 
 to one side, and then fell on his back. We kept our 
 
 K 
 
146 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 places, and I perceived my companion's eyes gleaming 
 with an mmatural joy. The wounded man raised him- 
 self from the bank to a sitting posture, and I beheld his 
 eyes swimming ; he, however, appeared sensible, for we 
 heard him saying in a low and rattling voice, ' Alas, alas ! 
 whom have I offended, that they should have been 
 driven to an act like this ! Come forth and shew your- 
 selves, that 1 mayi either forgive you before I die, or 
 curse you in the name of the Lord.' He then fell 
 a-groping with both hands on the ground, as if feeling 
 for something he had lost, manifestly in the agonies of 
 death ; and with a solemn and interrupted prayer for 
 forgiveness, he breathed his last. 
 
 I had become rigid as a statue, whereas my associate 
 appeared to be elevated above measure. ' ' Arise, thou 
 fainted-hearted one, and let us be going,' said he. 
 *Thou hast done well for once; but wherefore hesitate 
 in such a cause ? This is but a small beginning of so 
 great a work as that of purging the Christian world. 
 But the first victim is a worthy one, and more of such 
 lights must be extinguished immediately.' 
 
 We touched not our victim, nor anything pertaining 
 to him, for fear of staining our hands with his blood ; 
 and the firing having brought three men within view, 
 who were hasting towards the spot, my undaunted com- 
 panion took both the pistols, and went forward as with 
 intent to meet them, bidding me shift for myself. I ran 
 off in a contrary direction till I came to the foot of the 
 Pearman Sike, and then, running up the hollow of that 
 I appeared on the top of the bank as if I had been 
 another man brought in view by hearing the shots in 
 such a place. I had a full view of a part of what passed, 
 though not of all. I saw my companion going straight 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 147 
 
 to meet the men, apparently with a pistol in every hand, 
 waving in a careless manner. They seemed not quite 
 clear of meeting with him, and so he went straight on, 
 and passed between them. They looked after him, and 
 came onward ; but when the}' came to the old man lying 
 stretched in his blood, then they turned and pursued my 
 companion, though not so quickly as they might have 
 done ; and I understood that from the first they saw no 
 more of him. 
 
 Great was the confusion that day in Glasgow. The 
 most popular of all their peachers of morality was (what 
 they called) murdered in cold blood, and a strict and 
 extensive search was made for the assassin. Neither of 
 the accomplices was found, however, that is certain, nor 
 was either of them so much as suspected ; but another 
 man was apprehended under circumstances that war- 
 ranted suspicion. — This was one of the things that I 
 witnessed in my life, which I never understood, and it 
 surely was on6 of my patron's most dexterous tricks, for 
 I must still say, what I have thought from the beginning, 
 that like him there never was a man created. The 
 young man who was taken up was a preacher ; and it 
 was proved that he had purchased fire-arms in town, and 
 gone out with them that morning. But the far greatest 
 mystery of the whole was, that two of the men, out of 
 the three who met my companion, swore, that that 
 unfortunate preacher was the man whom they met with 
 a pistol in each hand, fresh from the death of the old 
 divine. The poor fellow made a confused speech him- 
 self, which there is not the least doubt was quite true; 
 but it was laughed to scorn, and an expression of horror 
 ran through both the hearers and jury. I heard the 
 whole trial, and so did Gil-Martin; but we left the 
 
148 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 journeyman preacher to his fate, and from that time 
 forth I have had no faith in the justice of criminal trials. 
 If once a man is prejudiced on one side, he will swear 
 anything in support of such prejudice. I tried to expos- 
 tulate with my mysterious friend on the horrid injustice 
 of suffering this young man to die for our act, but the 
 prince exulted in it more than the other, and said the 
 latter was the more dangerous man of the two. 
 
 The alarm in and about Glasgow was prodigious. The 
 country being divided into two political parties, the 
 court and the country party, the former held meetings, 
 issued proclamations, and offered rewards, ascribing all to 
 the violence of party spirit, and deprecating the infernal 
 measures of their opponents. I did not understand their 
 political differences ; but it was easy to see that the true 
 Gospel preachers joined all on one side, and the upholders 
 of pure morality and a blameless life on the other, so that 
 this division proved a test to us, and it was forthwith 
 resolved, that we two should pick out some of the leading 
 men of this unsaintly and heterodox cabal, and cut them 
 off one by one, as occasion should suit. 
 \ Now, the ice being broken, I felt considerable zeal in our 
 great work, but pretended much more; and we might soon 
 have kidnapped them all through the ingenuity of my 
 patron, had not our next attempt miscarried, by some 
 awkwardness or mistake of mine. The consequence was, 
 that he was discovered fairly, and very nigh seized. I also 
 was seen, and suspected so far, that my reverend father, my 
 mother, and myself were examined privately. I denied 
 all knowledge of the matter; and they held it in such a 
 ridiculous light, and their conviction of the complete 
 groundlessness of the suspicion was so perfect, that their 
 testimony prevailed, and the affair was hushed. I was 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 149 
 
 obliged, however, to walk circumspectly, and saw my 
 companion the prince very seldom, who was prowling 
 about every day, quite unconcerned about his safety. 
 He was every day a new man, however, and needed not 
 to be alarmed at any danger; for such a facility had he 
 in disguising himself, that if it had not been for a pass- 
 word which we had between us, for the purposes of 
 recognition, I never could have known him myself. 
 
 It so happened that my reverend father was called to 
 Edinburgh about this time, to assist with his counsel in 
 settling the national affairs. At my earnest request I 
 was permitted to accompany him, at which both my 
 associate and I rejoiced, as we were now about to move 
 in a new and extensive field. All this time I never 
 knew where my illustrious friend resided. He never 
 once invited me to call on him at his lodgings, nor did 
 he ever come to our house, which made me sometimes 
 to suspect, that if any of our great efforts in the cause of 
 true religion were discovered he intended leaving me in 
 the lurch. Consequently, when we met in Edinburgh 
 (for we travelled not in company) I proposed to go with 
 him to look for lodgings, telling him at the same time 
 what a blessed and religious family my reverend in- 
 structor and I were settled in. He said he rejoiced at it, 
 but he made a rule of never lodging in any particular 
 house, but took these daily, or hourly, as he found it 
 convenient, and that he never was at a loss in any 
 circumstance. 
 
 ' What a mighty trouble you put yourself to, great 
 sovereign ! ' said I, * and all, it would appear, for the 
 purpose of seeing and knowing more and more of the 
 human race.' 
 
 ' I never go but where I have some great purpose to 
 
150 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 serve,' returned he, ' either in the advancement of my 
 own power and dominion, or in thwarting my enemies.' 
 
 ' With all due deference to your great comprehension, 
 my illustrious friend,' said I, ' it strikes me that you can 
 accomplish very little either the one way or the other 
 here, in the humble and private capacity you are pleased 
 to occupy.' 
 
 * It is your own innate modesty that prompts such a 
 remark,' said he. ' Do you think the gaining of you to 
 my service, is not an attainment worthy of being envied 
 by the greatest potentate in Christendom ? Before I had 
 missed such a prize as the attainment of your services, I 
 would have travelled over one half of the habitable 
 globe.' — I bowed with great humility, but at the same 
 time how could I but feel proud and highly flattered ? 
 He continued. ' Believe me, my dear friend, for such a 
 prize I account no effort too high. For a man who is not 
 only dedicated to the King of Heaven, in the most solemn 
 manner, soul, body, and spirit, but also chosen of Him 
 from the beginning, justified, sanctified, and received into 
 a communion that never shall be broken, and from which 
 no act of his shall ever remove him — the possession of 
 such a man, I tell you, is worth kingdoms; because every 
 deed that he performs, he does it with perfect safety to 
 himself and honour to me.' — I bowed again, lifting my 
 hat, and he went on. — 'I am now going to put his 
 courage in the cause he has espoused, to a severe test — to 
 a trial at which common nature would revolt, but he 
 who is dedicated to be the sword of the Lord, must raise 
 himself above common humanity. You have a father 
 and a brother according to the flesh, what do you know 
 of them ? ' 
 
 ' I am sorry to say I know nothing good,' said I. 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 151 
 
 ' They are reprobates, castaways, being devoted to the 
 wicked one, and, like him, workers of every species of 
 iniquity with greediness.' 
 
 ' They must both fall,' said he, with a sigh and 
 melancholy look; 'it is decreed in the councils above, 
 that they must both fall by your hand.' 
 
 ' The God of Heaven forbid it ! ' said I. ' They are 
 enemies to Christ and His Church, that I know and 
 believe; but they shall live and die in their iniquity for 
 me, and reap their guerdon when their time cometh. 
 There my hand shall not strike.' 
 
 ' The feeling is natural, and amiable,' said he; ' but you 
 must think again. Whether are the bonds of carnal 
 nature, or the bonds and vows of the Lord strongest ? ' 
 
 ' I will not reason with you on this head, mighty 
 potentate,' said I, * for whenever I do so it is but to be 
 put down. J shall only express my determination not to 
 take vengeance out of the Lord's hand in this instance. 
 It availeth not. These are men that have the mark of 
 the beast in their foreheads and right hands; they are 
 lost beings themselves, but have no influence over others. 
 Let them perish in their sins; for they shall not be 
 meddled with by me.' 
 
 ' How preposterously you talk, my dear friend ! ' said 
 he. 'These people are your greatest enemies; they 
 would rejoice to see you annihilated. And now that you 
 have taken up the Lord's cause of being avenged on His 
 enemies, wherefore spare those that are your own as well 
 as His ? Besides, you ought to consider what great 
 advantages would be derived to the cause of righteous- 
 ness and truth, were the estate and riches of that opulent 
 house in your possession, rather than in that of such, as 
 oppose the truth and all manner of holiness.' 
 
152 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 This was a portion of the consequence of following my 
 illustrious adviser's summary mode of procedure, that had 
 never entered into my calculation. — I disclaimed all idea 
 of being influenced by it; however, I cannot but say 
 that the desire of being able to do so much good, by the 
 possession of these bad men's riches, made some impres- 
 sion on my heart, and I said I would consider of the 
 matter. I did consider it, and that right seriously as 
 well as frequently; and there was scarcely an hour in 
 the day on which my resolves were not animated by my 
 great friend, till at length I began to have a longing desire 
 to kill my brother, in particular. Should any man ever 
 read this scroll, he will wonder at this confession, and 
 deem it savage and unnatural. So it appeared to me at 
 first, but a constant thinking of an event changes every 
 one of its features. I have done all for the best, and as I 
 was prompted, by one who knew right and wrong much 
 better than I did. I had a desire to slay him, it is true, 
 and such a desire too as a thirsty man has to drink; but 
 at the same time this longing desire was mingled with a 
 certain terror, as if I had dreaded that the drink for 
 which I longed was mixed with deadly poison. My mind 
 was so much weakened, or rather softened about this 
 time, that my faith began a little to give way, and I 
 doubted most presumptuously of the least tangible of all 
 Christian tenets, namely, of the infallibility of the elect. 
 I hardly comprehended the great work I had begun, and 
 doubted of my own infallibility, or that of any created 
 being. But I was brought over again by the unwearied 
 diligence of my friend to repent of my backsliding, and 
 view once more the superiority of the Almighty's 
 councils in its fullest latitude. Amen. 
 
 I prayed very much in secret about this time, and that 
 
"onfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 153 
 
 with great fervor of spirit, as well as humility; and my 
 satisfaction at finding all my requests granted is not to 
 be expressed. 
 
 My illustrious friend still continuing to sound in my 
 ears the imperious duty to which I was called, of making 
 away with my sinful relations, and quoting many parallel 
 actions out of the Scriptures, and the writings of the 
 holy Fathers, of the pleasure the Lord took in such as 
 executed His vengeance on the wicked, I was obliged to 
 acquiesce in his measures, though with certain limitations. 
 It was not easy to answer his arguments, and yet I was 
 afraid that he soon perceived a leaning to his will on my 
 part. *If the acts of Jehu, in rooting out the whole 
 house of his master, were ordered and approved of by 
 the Lord,' said he, ' would it not have been more praise- 
 worthy if one of Ahab's own sons had stood up for the 
 cause of the God of Israel, and rooted out the sinners and 
 their idols out of the land ? ' 
 
 ' It would certainly,' said I. ' To our duty to God all 
 other duties must yield.' 
 
 * Go thou then and do likewise,' said he. ' Thou art 
 called to a high vocation; to cleanse the sanctuary of thy 
 God in this thy native land by the shedding of blood; 
 go thou forth then like a ruling energy, a master spirit of 
 desolation in the dwellings of the wicked, and high shall 
 be your reward both here and hereafter.' 
 
 My heart now panted with eagerness to look my 
 brother in the face : on which my companion, who was 
 never out of the way, conducted me to a small square in 
 the suburbs of the city, where there were a number of 
 young noblemen and gentlemen playing at a vain, idle, 
 and sinful game, at which there was much of the language 
 of the accursed going on ; and among these blasphemers 
 
154 '^he Private Memoirs and 
 
 he instantly pointed out my brother to me. I was fired 
 with indignation at seeing him in such company, and 
 so employed ; and I placed myself close beside him to 
 watch all his motions, listen to his words, and draw 
 inferences from what I saw and heard. In what a sink of 
 sin was he wallowing ! I resolved to take him to task, 
 and if he refused to be admonished, to inflict on him 
 some condign punishment ; and knowing that my illus- 
 trious friend and director was looking on, I resolved to 
 show some spirit. Accordingly, I waited until I heard 
 him profane his Maker's name three times, and then, my 
 spiritual indignation being roused above all restraint, 
 I went up and kicked him. Yes, I went boldly up and 
 struck him with my foot, and meant to have given him a 
 more severe blow than it was my fortune to inflict. It 
 had, however, the effect of rousing up his corrupt nature 
 to quarrelling and strife, instead of taking the chastise- 
 ment of the Lord in humility and meekness. He ran 
 furiously against me in the choler that is always inspired 
 by the wicked one; but I overthrew him, by reason of 
 impeding the natural and rapid progress of his unholy 
 feet, running to destruction. I also fell slightly; but his 
 fall proving a severe one, he arose in wrath, and struck 
 me with the mall which he held in his hand, until my 
 blood flowed copiously ; and from that moment I vowed 
 his destruction in my heart. But I chanced to have no 
 weapon at that time, nor any means of inflicting due 
 punishment on the caitiff", which would not have been 
 returned double on my head, by him and his graceless 
 associates. I mixed among them at the suggestion of 
 my friend, and following them to their den of voluptuous- 
 ness and sin, I strove to be admitted among them, in 
 hopes of finding some means of accomplishing my great 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 
 
 DD 
 
 purpose, while I found myself moved by the spirit within 
 me so to do. But I was not only debarred, but, by the 
 machinations of my wicked brother and his associates, 
 cast into prison. 
 
 I was not sorry at being thus honoured to suffer in 
 the cause of righteousness, and at the hands of sinful men; 
 and as soon as I was alone, I betook myself to prayer, 
 deprecating the long-suffering of God towards such horrid 
 sinners. My jailer came to me, and insulted me. He 
 was a rude, unprincipled fellow, partaking much of the 
 loose and carnal manners of the age; but I remembered 
 of having read in the ' Cloud of Witnesses,' of such men 
 formerly having been converted by the imprisoned saints; 
 so I set myself, with all my hearty to bring about this 
 man's repentance and reformation. 
 
 ' Fat the deil are ye yooling an' praying that gate for, 
 man ? ' said he, coming angrily in. ' I thought the days 
 o' praying prisoners had been a' ower. We had rowth 
 o' them aince; an' they were the poorest and the blackest 
 bargains that ever poor jailers saw. Gie up your croon- 
 ing or I'll pit ye to an in-by place, where 3'e sail get 
 plenty o't.' 
 
 ' Friend,' said I, ' I am making my appeal at that bar 
 where all human actions are seen and judged, and where 
 you shall not be forgot, sinful as you are. Go in peace 
 and let me be.' 
 
 ' Hae ye naebody nearer hand hame to mak 3'our 
 appeal to, man ? ' said he, ' because an' ye haena, I dread 
 you an' me may be unco weel acquaintit by an' by.' 
 
 I then opened up the mysteries of religion to him in 
 a clear and perspicuous manner, but particularly the 
 great doctrine of the election of grace ; and then I added, 
 ' Now, friend, you must tell me if you pertain to this, 
 
156 The Private Memoirs and I 
 
 chosen number. It is in ever}^ man's power to ascertain 
 this, and it is every man's duty to do it.' 
 
 ' An' fat the better wad you be for the kenning o' this, ^ 
 man ? ' said he. 
 
 ' Because, if you are one of my brethren, I will take you 
 into sweet communion and fellowship,' returned I ; ' but 
 if you belong to the unregenerate, I have a commission 
 to slay you.' , 
 
 ' The diel you hae, callant ! ' said he, gaping and 
 laughing. * An' pray now, fa v/as it that gae you siccan 
 a braw commission ? ' 
 
 ' My commission is sealed by the signet above,' said I, 
 'and that I will let you and all sinners know. I arn 
 dedicated to it by the most solemn vows and engage- 
 ments. I am the sword of the Lord, and Famine and 
 Pestilence are my sisters. Woe then to the wicked of 
 this land, for they must fall down dead together, that the 
 Church may be purified ! ' 
 
 ' Oo, foo, foo ! I see how it is,' said he ; ' yours is a very 
 braw commission, but you will have the small opportunity 
 of carrying it through here. Take my advising, and write 
 a bit of a letter to your friends, and I will send it, for this 
 is no place for such a great man. If you cannot steady 
 your hand to write, as I see you have been at your great 
 work, a word of a mouth may do ; for I do assure you this 
 is not the place at all, of any in the world, for your 
 operations.' 
 
 The man apparently thought I was deranged in my 
 intellect. He could not swallow such great truths at the 
 first morsel. So I took his advice, and sent a line to my 
 reverend father, who was not long in coming, and great 
 was the jailer's wonderment when he saw all the great 
 Christian noblemen of the land sign my bond of freedom. 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 157 
 
 My reverend father took this matter greatly to heart, 
 and bestirred himself in the good cause till the trans- 
 gressors were ashamed to show their faces. My illus- 
 trious companion was not idle : I wondered that he came 
 not to me in prison, nor at my release ; but he was 
 better employed, in stirring up the just to the execution 
 of God's decrees : and he succeeded so well, that my 
 brother and all his associates had nearly fallen victims to 
 their wrath : but many were wounded, bruised, and 
 imprisoned, and much commotion prevailed in the city. 
 For my part I was greatly strengthened in my resolution 
 by the anathemas of my reverend father, who, privately 
 (that is in the family capacity), in his prayers, gave up 
 my father and brother, according to the flesh, to Satan, 
 making it plain to all my senses of perception, that they 
 - were beings given up of God, to be devoured by fiends or 
 men, at their will and pleasure, and that whosoever 
 should slay them, would do God good service. 
 
 The next morning my illustrious friend met me at an 
 early hour, and he was greatly overjoyed at hearing my 
 sentiments now chime so much in unison with his own. 
 I said, ' I longed for the day and the hour that I might 
 loqk my brother in the face at Gilgal, and visit on him 
 the iniquity of his father and himself, for that I was now 
 strengthened and prepared for the deed.' 
 
 ' I have been watching the steps and movements of the 
 profligate one,' said he; 'and lo, I will take you straight 
 to his presence. Let your heart be as the heart of the 
 lion, and your arms strong as the shekels of brass, and 
 swift to avenge as the bolt that descendeth from Heaven, 
 for the blood of the just and the good hath long flowed 
 in Scotland. But already is the day of their avengement 
 begun; the hero is at length arisen, who shall send all 
 
158 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 such as bear enmity to the true Church, or trust in works 
 of their own, to Tophet ! ' 
 
 Thus encouraged, I followed my friend, who led me 
 directly to the same court in which I had chastised the 
 miscreant on the foregoing day; and behold there was 
 the same group again assembled. They eyed me with 
 terror in their looks, as I walked among them and eyed 
 them with looks of disapprobation and rebuke; and I saw 
 that the very eye of a chosen one lifted on these children 
 of Belial, was sufficient to dismay and put them to flight. 
 I walked aside to my friend, who stood at a distance 
 looking on, and he said to me, 'What thinkest thou 
 now ? ' and I answered in the words of the venal prophet, 
 * Lo now, if I had a sword into mine hand, I would even 
 kill him.' 
 
 * Wherefore lackest thou it ? ' said he. ' Dost thou not 
 see that they tremble at thy presence, knowing that the 
 avenger of blood is among them.' 
 
 My heart was lifted up on hearing this, and again I 
 strode into the midst of them, and eyeing them /ith 
 threatening looks, they were so much confounded that 
 they abandoned their sinful pastime, and fled every one 
 to his house ! This was a palpable victory gained over 
 the wicked, and I thereby knew that the hand of the 
 Lord was with me. My companion also exulted, and 
 said, 'Did not I tell thee? Behold thou dost not know 
 one half of thy might, or of the great things thou art 
 destined to do. Come with me and I will show thee 
 more than this, for these young men cannot subsist with- 
 out the exercises of sin. I listened to their counsels, and 
 I know where they will meet again.' 
 
 Accordingly he led me a little farther to the south, and 
 we walked aside till by degrees we saw some people begin 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 159 
 
 to assemble ; and in a short time we perceived the same 
 group stripping off their clothes to make them more 
 expert in the practice of madness and folly. Their game 
 was begun before we approached, and so also were the 
 oaths and cursing. I put my hands in my pockets, and 
 walked with dignity and energy into the midst of them. 
 It was enough : terror and astonishment seized them. 
 A few of them cried out against me, but their voices 
 were soon hushed amid the murmurs of fear. One of 
 them, in the name of the rest, then came and besought 
 of me to grant them liberty to amuse themselves ; but I 
 refused peremptorily, dared the whole multitude so much 
 as to touch me with one of their fingers, and dismissed 
 them in the name of the Lord. 
 
 Again they all fled and dispersed at my e3'e, and I 
 went home in triumph, escorted by my friend, and some 
 well-meaning young Christians, who, however, had not 
 learned to deport themselves with soberness and humility. 
 But my ascendency over my enemies was great indeed ; 
 for wherever I appeared I was hailed with approbation, 
 and wherever my guilty brother made his appearance, he 
 was hooted and held in derision, till he was forced to hide 
 his disgraceful head, and appear no more in public. 
 
 Im.mediately after this I was seized with a strange dis- 
 temper, which neither my friends nor physicians could 
 comprehend, and it confined me to my chamber for many 
 days ; but I knew myself that I was bewitched, and sus- 
 pected my father's reputed concubine of the deed. I told 
 my fears to my reverend protector, who hesitated con- 
 cerning them, but I knew by his words and looks that he 
 was conscious I was right. I generally conceived myself 
 to be two people. When I lay in bed, I deemed there 
 were two of us in it ; when I sat up, I always beheld 
 
i6o The Private Memoirs and 
 
 another person, and always in the same position from the 
 place where I sat or stood, which was about three paces 
 off me towards my left side. It mattered not how many 
 or how few were present : this my second self was sure to 
 be present in his place ; and this occasioned a confusion 
 in all my words ami ideas that utterly astounded my 
 friends, who all declared, that instead of being deranged 
 in my intellect, they had never heard my conversation 
 manifest so much energy or sublimity of conception ; but 
 for all that, over the singular delusion that I was two 
 persons, my reasoning faculties had no power. The most 
 perverse part of it was, that I rarely conceived myself to 
 be any of the two persons. I thought for the most part 
 that my companion was one of them, and my brother the 
 other ; and I found, that to be obliged to speak and 
 answer in the character of another man, was a most awk- 
 ward business at the long run. 
 
 Who can doubt, from this statement, that I was 
 bewitched, and that my relatives were at the ground of 
 it ? The constant and unnatural persuasion that I was 
 my brother, proved it to my own satisfaction, and must, I 
 think, do so to every unprejudiced person. This victory 
 of the wicked one over me kept me confined in my 
 chamber, at Mr Millar's house, for nearly a month, until 
 the prayers of the faithful prevailed, and I was restored. 
 I knew it was a chastisement for my pride, because my 
 heart was lifted up at my superiority over the enemies of 
 the Church ; nevertheless, I determined to make short 
 work of the aggressor, that the righteous might not be 
 subjected to the effect of his diabolical arts again. 
 
 I say I was confined a month. I beg he that readeth 
 to take note of this, that he may estimate how much the 
 word, or even the oath, of a wicked man, is to depend on. 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. i6i 
 
 For a month I saw no one but such as came into my 
 room, and for all that, it will be seen, that there were 
 plenty of the same set to attest upon oath that I saw my 
 brother every day during that period ; that I persecuted 
 him with my presence day and night ; while all the 
 time I never saw his face, save in a delusive dream. I 
 cannot comprehend what manoeuvres my illustrious 
 friend was playing off with them about this time ; for he, 
 having the art of personating whom he chose, had perad- 
 venture deceived them, else so many of them had never 
 all attested the same thing. I never saw any man so 
 steady in his friendships and attentions as he ; but as he 
 made a rule of never calling at private houses, for fear of 
 some discovery being made of his person, so I never saw 
 him while my malady lasted; but as soon as I grew 
 better, I knew I had nothing ado but to attend at some 
 of our places of meeting, to see him again. He was 
 punctual, as usual, and I had not to wait. 
 
 My reception was precisely as I apprehended. There 
 was no flaring, no flummery, nor bombastical pretensions, 
 but a dignified return to my obeisance, and an immediate 
 recurrence, in converse, to the important duties incum- 
 bent on us, in our stations, as reformers and purifiers of 
 the Church. 
 
 *I have marked out a number of most dangerous 
 characters in this city,' said he, ' all of whom must be cut 
 off from cumbering the true vineyard before we leave this 
 land. And if you bestir not yourself in the work to 
 which you are called, I must raise up others who shall 
 have the honour of it.' 
 
 * I am, most illustrious prince, wholly at your service,' 
 said I. ' Show but what ought to be done, and here is 
 the heart to dare, and the hand to execute. You pointed 
 
 L 
 
1 62 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 out my relations, according to the flesh, as brands fitted 
 to be thrown into the burning. I approve peremptorily 
 of the award ; nay, I thirst to accomplish it ; for I myself 
 have suffered severely from their diabolical arts. When 
 once that trial of my devotion to the faith is accomplished, 
 then be your future operations disclosed.' 
 
 * You are free of your words and promises,' said he. 
 
 ' So will I be of my deeds in the service of my master, 
 and that shalt thou see,' said I. 'I lack not the spirit, 
 nor the will, but I lack experience wofuUy ; and because 
 of that shortcoming, must bow to your suggestions.' 
 
 * Meet me here to-morrow betimes,' said he, ' and per- 
 haps you may hear of some opportunity of displaying 
 your zeal in the cause of righteousness.' 
 
 I met him as he desired me ; and he addressed me with 
 a hurried and joyful expression, telling me that my 
 brother was astir, and that a few minutes ago he had 
 seen him pass on his way to the mountain. ' The hill is 
 wrapt in a cloud,' added he, ' and never was there such an 
 opportunity of executing divine justice on a guilty sinner. 
 You may t:race him in the dew, and shall infallibly find 
 him on the top of some precipice ; for it is only in secret 
 that he dare show his debased head to the sun.' 
 
 ' I have no arms, else assuredly I would pursue him and 
 discomfit him,' said I. 
 
 ' Here is a small dagger,' said he ; ' I have nothing of 
 weapon-kind about me save that, but it is a potent one ; 
 and should you require it there is nothing more ready or 
 sure.* 
 
 ' Will you not accompany me ? ' said I. * Sure you . 
 will?' 
 
 ' I will be with you, or near you,' said he. ' Go you on 
 before.' 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 163 
 
 I hurried away as he directed me, and imprudently 
 asked some of Queensberry's guards if such and such a 
 young man passed by them going out from the city. I 
 was answered in the affirmative, and till then had doubted 
 of my friend's intelligence, it was so inconsistent with a 
 profligate's life to be so early astir. When I got the 
 certain intelligence that my brother was before me, I fell 
 a-running scarcely knowing what I did ; and looking 
 several times behind me, I perceived nothing of my 
 zealous and arbitrary friend. The consequence of this 
 was, that by the time I reached St Anthony's Well, my 
 resolution began to give way. It was not my courage, 
 for now that I had once shed blood in the cause of the 
 true faith, I was exceedingly bold and ardent ; but when- 
 ever I was left to myself, I was subject to sinful doubtings. 
 These always hankered on one point : I doubted if the 
 elect were infallible, and if the Scripture promises to them 
 were binding in all situations and relations. I confess 
 this, and that it was a sinful and shameful weakness in 
 me, but my nature was subject to it, and I could not 
 eschew it. I never doubted that I was one of the elect 
 myself; for, besides the strong inward and spiritual con- 
 viction that I possessed, I had my kind father's assurance, 
 and these had been revealed to him in that way and 
 measure that they could not be doubted. 
 
 In this desponding state, I sat myself down on a stone, 
 and bethought me of the rashness of my undertaking. 
 I tried to ascertain, to my own satisfaction, whether or 
 not I really had been commissioned of God to perpetrate 
 these crimes in His behalf, for in the eyes, and by the 
 laws of men, they were great and crying transgressions. 
 While I sat pondering on these things, I was involved in 
 a veil of white misty vapour, and looking up to heaven, I 
 
164 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 was just about to ask direction from above, when I heard 
 as it were a still small voice, close by me, which uttered 
 some words of derision and chiding. I looked intensely 
 in the direction whence it seemed to come, and perceived 
 a lady, robed in white, who hasted toward me. She 
 regarded me with a severity of look and gesture that 
 appalled me so much I could not address her; but she 
 waited not for that, but coming close to my side, said, 
 without stopping, ' Preposterous wretch ! how dare you 
 lift your eyes to heaven with such purposes in your 
 heart? Escape homeward, and save your soul, or 
 farewell for evei* ! ' 
 
 These were all the words that she uttered, as far as I 
 could ever recollect, but my spirits were kept in such a 
 tumult that morning, that something might have escaped 
 me. I followed her eagerly with my eyes, but in a 
 moment she glided over the rocks above the holy well, 
 and vanished. I persuaded myself that I had seen a 
 vision, and that the radiant being that had addressed me 
 was one of the good angels, or guardian spirits, com- 
 missioned by the Almighty to watch over the steps of 
 the just. My first impulse was to follow her advice, and 
 make my escape home; for I thought to myself, ' How is 
 this interested and mysterious foreigner, a proper judge 
 of the actions of a free Christian ? ' 
 
 The thought was hardly framed, nor had I moved in a 
 retrograde direction six steps, when I saw my illustrious 
 friend and great adviser descending the ridge towards 
 me with hasty and impassioned strides. My heart fainted 
 within me; and when he came up and addressed me, I 
 looked as one caught in a trespass. * What hath detained 
 thee, thou desponding trifler ? ' said he. * Verily now 
 shall the golden opportunity be lost which may never be 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 165 
 
 recalled. I have traced the reprobate to his sanctuary 
 in the cloud, and lo he is perched on the pinnacle of a 
 precipice an hundred fathoms high. One ketch with 
 thy foot, or toss with thy finger, shall throw him from 
 thy side into the foldings of the cloud, and he shall be no 
 more seen, till found at the bottom of the cliff dashed to 
 pieces. Make haste, therefore, thou loiterer, if thou 
 wouldst ever prosper and rise to eminence in the work of 
 thy Lord and Master.' 
 
 ' I go no farther in this work,' said I, * for I have seen 
 a vision that has reprimanded the deed.' 
 
 'A vision?' said he. 'Was it that wench who de- 
 scended from the hill ? ' 
 
 * The being that spake to me, and \varned me of the 
 danger, was indeed in the form of a lady,' said I. 
 
 ' She also approached me and said a few words,' 
 returned he; 'and I thought there was something 
 mysterious in her manner. Pray, what did she say ? 
 for the words of such a singular message, and from such 
 a messenger, ought to be attended to. If I understood 
 her aright, she was chiding us for our misbelief and pre- 
 posterous delay.' 
 
 I recited her w^ords, but he answ^ered that I had been 
 in a state of sinful doubting at the time, and it was to 
 these doubtings she had adverted. In short, this wonder- 
 ful and clear-sighted stranger soon banished all my 
 doubts and despondency, making me utterly ashamed of 
 them, and again I set out with him in the pursuit of my 
 brother. He showed me the traces of his footsteps in 
 the dew, and pointed out the spot where I should find 
 him. ' You have nothing more to do than go softly 
 down behind him,' said he; ' which you can do to within 
 an ell of him, without being seen; then rush upon him, 
 
1 66 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 and throw him from his seat, where there is neither 
 footing nor hold. I will go, meanwhile, and amuse his 
 sight by some exhibition in the contrary direction, and 
 he shall neither know nor perceive who has done him 
 this kind office; for, exclusive of more weighty concerns, 
 be assured of this, that the sooner he falls, the fewer 
 crimes will he have to answer for, and his estate in the 
 other world will be proportionally more tolerable, than 
 if he spent a long unregenerate life steeped in iniquity to 
 the loathing of the soul.' 
 
 ' Nothing can be more plain or more pertinent,' said I; 
 ' therefore I fly to perform that which is both a duty 
 towards God and towards man 1 ' 
 
 'You shall yet rise to great honour and preferment,' 
 said he. 
 
 ' I value it not, provided I do honour and justice to the 
 cause of my Master here,' said I. 
 
 ' You shall be lord of your father's riches and demesnes,' 
 added he. 
 
 'I disclaim and deride every selfish motive thereto 
 relating,' said I, 'farther than as it enables me to do 
 good.' 
 
 'Ay, but that is a great and heavenly consideration, 
 that longing for ability to do good J said he; and as he 
 said so, I could not help remarking a certain derisive 
 exultation of expression which I could not comprehend; 
 and indeed I have noted this very often in my illustrious 
 friend, and sometimes mentioned it civilly to him, but he 
 has never failed to disclaim it. On this occasion I said 
 nothing, but, concealing his poniard in my clothes, I 
 hasted up the mountain, determined to execute my 
 purpose before any misgivings should again visit me; and 
 I never had more ado than in keeping firm my resolution. 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 167 
 
 I could not help my thoughts, and there are certain 
 trains and classes of thoughts that have great power in 
 enervating the mind. I thought of the awful thing of 
 plunging a fellow-creature from the top of a cliff into the 
 dark and misty void below — of his being dashed to pieces 
 on the protruding rocks, and of hearing his shrieks as he 
 descended the cloud, and beheld the shagged points on 
 which he was to alight. Then I thought of plunging a 
 soul so abruptly into hell, or, at the best, sending it to 
 hover on the confines of that burning abyss — of its 
 appearance at the bar of the Almighty to receive its 
 sentence. And then I thought, 'Will there not be a 
 sentence pronounced against me there, by a jury of the 
 just made perfect, and written down in the registers of 
 heaven ? ' 
 
 These thoughts, I say, came upon me unasked, and 
 instead of being able to dispel them, they mustered, 
 upon the summit of my imagination, in thicker and 
 stronger array; and there was another that impressed 
 me in a very particular manner, though, I have reason 
 to believe, not so strongly as those above written. It 
 was this: 'What if I should fail in my first effort ? Will 
 the consequences not be that I am tumbled from the 
 top of the rock myself ? ' and then all the feelings antici- 
 pated, with regard to both body and soul, must happen 
 to me. This was a spine-breaking reflection; and yet, 
 though the probability was rather on that side, my zeal 
 in the cause of godliness was such that it carried me 
 on, maugre all danger and dismay. 
 
 I soon came close upon my brother sitting on the dizzy 
 pinnacle, with his eyes fixed stedfastly in the direction 
 opposite to me. I descended the little green ravine 
 behind him with my feet foremost, and ever}' now and 
 
1 63 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 then raised my head, and watched his motions. His 
 posture continued the same, until at last I came so near 
 him I could have heard him breathe, if his face had been 
 towards me. I -laid my cap aside, and made me ready to 
 spring upon him, and push him over. I could not for 
 my life accomplish it ! I do not think it was that I 
 durst not^ for I have always felt my courage equal to 
 anything in a good cause. But I had not the heart, or 
 something that I ought to have had. In short, it was 
 not done in time, as it easily might have been. These 
 THOUGHTS are hard enemies wherewith to combat ! And 
 I was so grieved that I could not effect my righteous 
 purpose, that I laid me down on my face and shed tears. 
 Then, again, I thought of what my great enlightened 
 friend and patron would say to me, and again my resolu- 
 tion rose indignant, and indissoluble save by blood. I 
 arose on my right knee and left foot, and had just begun 
 to advance the latter forward: the next step my great 
 purpose had been accomplished, -and the culprit had 
 suffered the punishment due to his crimes. But what 
 moved him I know not: in the critical moment he sprung 
 to his feet, and dashing himself furiously against me, he 
 overthrew me, at the imminent peril of my life. I dis- 
 encumbered myself by main force, and fled, but he 
 overhied me, knocked me down, and threatened, with 
 dreadful oaths, to throw me from the cliff. After I was 
 a little recovered from the stunning blow, I aroused 
 myself to the combat; and though I do not recollect the 
 circumstances of that deadly scuffle very minutely, I 
 know that I vanquished him so far as to force him to ask 
 my pardon, and crave a reconciliation. I spurned at 
 both, and left him to the chastisements of his own wicked 
 and corrupt heart. 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 169 
 
 My friend met me again on the hill, and derided me, 
 in a haughty and stern manner, for my imbecility and 
 want of decision. I told him how nearly I had 
 effected my purpose, and excused myself as well as I 
 was able. On this, seeing me bleeding, he advised me 
 to swear the peace against my brother, and have him 
 punished in the meantime, he being the first aggressor. 
 I promised compliance, and we parted, for I was some- 
 what ashamed of my failure, and was glad to be quit for 
 the present of one of whom I stood so much in awe. 
 
 When my reverend father beheld me bleeding a 
 a second time by the hand of a brother, he was moved 
 to the highest point of displeasure ; and relying on his 
 high interest and the justice of his cause, he brought the 
 matter at once before the courts. My brother and I 
 were first examined face to face. His declaration was a 
 mere romance : mine was not the truth ; but as it was 
 by the advice of my reverend father, and that of my 
 illustrious friend, both of whom I knew to be sincere 
 Christians and true believers, that I gave it, I conceived 
 myself completely justified on that score. I said I had 
 gone up into the mountain early on the morning to pray, 
 and had withdrawn myself, for entire privacy, into a, 
 little sequestered dell — had laid aside my cap, and was 
 in the act of kneeling, when I was rudely attacked by my 
 brother, knocked over and nearly slain. They asked my 
 brother if this was true. He acknowledged that it was; 
 that I was bare-headed and in the act of kneeling when 
 he ran foul of me without any intent of doing so. But 
 the judge took him to task on the improbability of this, 
 and put the profligate sore out of countenance. The 
 rest of his tale told still worse, insomuch that he was 
 laughed at by all present, for the judge remarked to 
 
170 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 him, that granting it was true that he had at first run 
 against me on an open mountain, and overthrown me by 
 accident, how was it, that after I had extricated myself 
 and fled, that he had pursued, overtaken, and knocked 
 me down a second time ? Would he pretend that all 
 that was likewise by chance ? The culprit had nothing 
 to say for himself on this head, and I shall :not forget my 
 exultation, and that of my reverend father, when the 
 sentence of the judge was delivered. It was, that my 
 wicked brother should be thrown into prison, andi tried 
 on a criminal charge of assault and battery, with the 
 intent of committing murder. This was a just and 
 righteous judge, and saw things in their proper bearings, 
 that is, he could discern between a righteous and a 
 wicked man, and then there could be no doubt as to 
 which of the two were acting right, and which wrong. 
 
 Had I not been sensible that a justified person could do 
 nothing wrong, I should not have been at my ease con- 
 cerning the statement I had been induced to give on this 
 occasion. I could leasily perceive, that by rooting out 
 the weeds from the garden of the Church, I heightened 
 the growth of righteousness; but as to the tardy way of 
 giving false evidence on matters of such doubtful issue, I 
 confess I saw no great propriety in it from the beginning. 
 But I now only moved by the will and mandate of my 
 illustrious friend; I had no peace or comfort when out of 
 his sight, nor have I ever been able to boast of much in 
 his presence; so true is it that a Christian's life is one of 
 suflfering. 
 
 My time was now much occupied, along with my 
 reverend preceptor, in making ready for the approaching 
 trial, as the prosecutors. Our counsel assured us of a 
 complete victory, and that banishment would be the 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 171 
 
 mildest award of the law on the offender. Mark how 
 different was the result ! From the shifts and ambigui- 
 ties of a wicked Bench, who had a fellow-feeling of 
 iniquity with the defenders — my suit was cast, the 
 graceless libertine was absolved, and I was incarcerated, 
 and bound over to keep the peace, with heavy penalties, 
 before I was set at liberty. 
 
 I was exceedingly disgusted at this issue, and blamed 
 the counsel of my friend to his face. He expressed 
 great grief, and expatiated on the wickedness of our 
 judicatories, adding, * I see I cannot depend on you for 
 quick and summary measures, but for your sake I shall 
 be revenged on that wicked judge, and that you shall 
 see in a few days.' The Lord Justice Clerk died that 
 same week ! But he died in his own house and in his 
 own bed, and by what means my friend effected it, I do 
 not know. He would not tell me a single word of 
 the matter, but the judge's sudden death made a great 
 noise, and I made so many curious inquiries regarding 
 the particulars of it, that some suspicions were like to 
 attach to our family, of some unfair means used. For 
 my part I know nothing, and rather think he died b}' 
 the visitation of Heaven, and that my friend had fore- 
 seen it, by symptoms, and soothed me by promises of 
 complete revenge. 
 
 It was some days before he mentioned my brother's 
 meditated death to me again, and certainly he then 
 found me exasperated against him personally to the 
 highest degree. But I told him that I could not now 
 think any more of it, owing to the late judgment of the 
 court, by which if my brother were missing or found 
 dead, I would not only forfeit my life, but my friends 
 would be ruined by the penalties. 
 
172 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 * T suppose you know and believe in the perfect safety 
 of your soul,' said he, ' and that that is a matter 
 settled from the beginning of time, and now sealed and 
 ratified both in heaven and earth ? ' 
 
 ' I believe in it thoroughly and perfectly,' said I ; ' and 
 whenever I entertain doubts of it, I am sensible of sin 
 and weakness.' 
 
 ' Very well, so then am I,' said he. ' I think I can 
 now divine, with all manner of certainty, what will be 
 the high and merited guerdon of your immortal part. 
 Hear me then farther : I give you my solemn assurance, 
 and bond of blood, that no human hand shall ever hence- 
 forth be able to injure your life, or shed one drop of 
 your precious blood, but it is on the condition that 
 you walk always by my directions.' 
 
 'I will do so with cheerfulness,' said I; 'for without 
 your enlightened counsel, I feel that I Can do nothing. 
 But as to your power of protecting my life, you must 
 excuse me for doubting of it. Nay, were we in your 
 own proper dominions, you could not ensure that.' 
 
 * In whatever dominion or land I am, my power accom- 
 panies me,' said he; ' and it is only against human might 
 and human weapon that I ensure your life ; on that will 
 I keep an eye, and on that you may depend. I have 
 never broken word or promise with you. Do you credit 
 me?' 
 
 ' Yes I do,' said I ; ' for I see you are in earnest. I 
 believe, though I do not comprehend you.' 
 
 ' Then why do you not at once challenge your brother 
 to the field of honour ? Seeing you now act without 
 danger, cannot you also act without fear ? ' 
 
 * It is not fear,' returned I; * believe me, I hardly know 
 what fear is. It is a doubt, that on all these emergencies 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 173 
 
 constantly haunts my mind, that in performing such and 
 such actions I may fall from my upright state. This 
 makes fratricide a fearful task.' 
 
 * This is imbecility itself,' said he. ' We have settled, 
 and agreed on that point an hundred times. I would 
 therefore advise that you challenge your brother to single 
 combat. I shall ensure your safety, and he cannot refuse 
 giving you satisfaction.' 
 
 ' But then the penalties ? ' said I. 
 
 *We will try to evade these,' said he; 'and supposing 
 you should be caught, if once you are Laird of Dalcastle 
 and Balgrennan, what are the penalties to you ? ' 
 
 'Might we not rather pop him off in private and 
 quietness, as we did the deistical divine ? ' said I. 
 
 ' The deed would be alike meritorious, either way,' said 
 he. * But may we not wait for years before we find an 
 opportunity ? My advice is to challenge him, as privately 
 as you will, and there cut him off.' 
 
 ' So be it then,' said I. ' When the moon is at the full, 
 I will send for him forth to speak with one, and there will 
 I smite him and slay him, and he shall trouble the 
 righteous no more.' 
 
 ' Then this is the very night,' said he. ' The moon is 
 nigh to the full, and this night your brother and his sin- 
 ful mates hold carousal ; for there is an intended journey 
 to-morrow. The exulting profligate leaves town, where 
 we must remain till the time of my departure hence; and 
 then he is safe^ and must live to dishonour God, and not 
 only destroy his own soul, but those of many others. 
 Alack, and wo is me ! The sins that he and his friends 
 will commit this very night, will cry to heaven against us 
 for our shameful delay ! When shall our great work of 
 
174 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 cleansing the sanctuary be finished, if we proceed at this 
 puny rate ? ' 
 
 ' I see the deed must be done, then,' said I ; ' and since 
 it is so, it shall be done. I will arm myself forthwith, and 
 from the midst of his wine and debauchery you shall call 
 him forth to me, and there will I smite him with the 
 edge of the sword, that our great work be not retarded.' 
 
 * If thy execution were equal to thy intent, how great 
 a man you soon might be ! ' said he. ' We shall make 
 the attempt once more ; and if it fail again, why, I must 
 use other means to bring about my high purposes relating 
 to mankind. — Home and make ready. I will go and 
 procure what information I can regarding their motions, 
 and will meet you in disguise twenty minutes hence, at 
 the first turn of Hewie's lane beyond the loch.' 
 
 ' I have nothing to make ready,' said I ; ' for I do not 
 choose to go home. Bring me a sword, that we may 
 consecrate it with prayer and vows, and if I use it not to 
 the bringing down of the wicked and profane, then may 
 the Lord do so to me, and more also ! ' 
 
 We parted, and there was I left again to the multipli- 
 city of my own thoughts for the space of twenty minutes, 
 a thing my friend never failed in subjecting me to, and 
 these were worse to contend with than hosts of sinful 
 men. I prayed inwardly, that these deeds of mine 
 might never be brought to the knowledge of men who 
 were incapable of appreciating the high motives that led 
 to them; and then I sung part of the loth Psalm, 
 likewise in spirit; but for all these efforts, my sinful 
 doubts returned, so that when my illustrious friend 
 joined me, and proffered me the choice of two gilded 
 rapiers, I declined accepting any of them, and began in a 
 very bold and energetic manner, to express my doubts 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 175 
 
 regarding the justification of all the deeds of perfect 
 men. He chided me severely, and branded me with 
 cowardice, a thing that my nature never was subject to; 
 and then he branded me with falsehood, and breach of 
 the most solemn engagements both to God and man. 
 
 I was compelled to take the rapier, much against my 
 inclination; but for all the arguments, threats, and 
 promises that he could use, I would not consent to send 
 a challenge to my brother by his mouth. There was one 
 argument only that he made use of which had some 
 weight with me, but yet it would not preponderate. He 
 told me my brother was gone to a notorious and scan- 
 dalous habitation of women, and that if I left him to 
 himself for ever so short a space longer, it might embitter 
 his state through ages to come. This was a trying 
 concern to me; but I resisted it, and reverted to my 
 doubts. On this he said that he had meant to do me 
 honour, but since I had put it out of his power, he would 
 do the deed, and take the responsibility on himself. ' I 
 have with sore travail procured a guardship of your life,' 
 added he. 'For my own, I have not; but, be that as it 
 will, I shall not be baffled in my attempts to benefit my 
 friends without a trial. You will at all events accompany 
 me, and see that I get justice ? ' 
 
 * Certes, I will do thus much,' said I; ' and woe be to 
 him if his arm prevail against my friend and patron ! ' 
 
 His lip curled with a smile of contempt, which I could 
 hardly brook; and I began to be afraid that the eminence 
 to which I had been destined by him was already fading 
 from my view. And I thought what I should then do to 
 ingratiate myself again ]with him, for without his coun- 
 tenance I had no life. ' I will be a man in act,' thought 
 
176 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 I, * but in sentiment I will not yield, and for this he must 
 surely admire me the more.* 
 
 As we emerged from the shadowy lane into the fair 
 moonshine, I started so that my whole frame underwent 
 the most chilling vibrations of surprise. I again thought 
 I had been taken at unawares, and was conversing with 
 another person. My friend was equipped in the High- 
 land garb, and so completely translated into another 
 being, that, save by his speech, all the senses of mankind 
 could not have recognised him. I blessed myself, and 
 asked whom it was his pleasure to personify to-night ? 
 He answered me carelessly, that it was a spark whom he 
 meant should bear the blame of whatever might fall out 
 to-night : and that was all that passed on the subject. 
 
 We proceeded by some stone steps at the foot of the 
 North Loch, in hot argument all the way. I was afraid 
 that our conversation might be overheard, for the night 
 was calm and almost as light as day, and we saw sundry 
 people crossing us as we advanced. But the zeal of my 
 friend was so high, that he disregarded all danger, and 
 continued to argue fiercely and loudly on my delinquency, 
 as he was pleased to call it. I stood on one argument 
 alone, which was, 'That I did not think the Scripture 
 promises to the elect, taken in their utmost latitude, 
 warranted the assurance that they could do no wrong ; 
 and that, therefore, it behoved every man to look well to 
 his steps.' 
 
 There was no religious scruple that irritated my en- 
 lightened friend and master so much as this. He could 
 not endure it. And the sentiments of our great cove- 
 nanted reformers being on his side, there is not a doubt 
 I was wrong. He lost all patience on hearing what I 
 advanced on this matter, and taking hold of me, he led 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 177 
 
 me into 2^ darksome booth in a confined entry ; and, after 
 a friendly but cutting reproach, he bade me remain there 
 in secret and watch the event ; ' And if I fall,' said he, 
 ' you will not fail to avenge my death.' 
 
 I was so entirely overcome with vexation that I could 
 make no answer, on which he left me abruptly, a prey to 
 despair; and I saw or heard no more, till he came down 
 to the moonlight green followed by my brother. They 
 had quarrelled before they came within my hearing, for 
 the first words I heard were those of my brother, who 
 was in a state of intoxication, and he was urging a 
 reconciliation, as was his wont on such occasions. My 
 friend spurned at the suggestion, and dared him to the 
 combat; and after a good deal of boastful altercation, 
 which the turmoil of my spirits prevented me from 
 remembering, my brother was compelled to draw his 
 sword and stand on the defensive. It was a desperate 
 and terrible engagement. I at first thought that the 
 royal stranger and great champion of the faith would 
 overcome his opponent with ease, for I considered heaven 
 as on his side, and nothing but the arm of sinful flesh 
 against him. But I was deceived : the sinner stood firm 
 as a rock, while the assailant flitted about like a shadow, 
 or rather like a spirit. I smiled inwardly, conceiving 
 that these lightsome manoeuvres were all a sham to show 
 off hi^art and mastership in the exercise, and that when- 
 ever they came to close fairly, that instant my brother 
 would be overcome. Still I was deceived : my brother's 
 arm seemed invincible, so that the closer they fought the 
 more palpably did it prevail. They fought round the 
 green to the very edge of the water, and so round, till 
 they came close up to the covert where I stood. There 
 being no more room to shift ground, my brother then 
 
 M 
 
178 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 forced him to come to close quarters, on which, the 
 former still having the decided advantage, my friend 
 quitted his sword, and called out. I could resist no 
 longer; so, springing from my concealment, I rushed 
 between them with my sword drawn, and parted them as 
 if they had been two schoolboys; then turning to my 
 brother, I addressed him as follows : — ' Wretch ! mis- 
 creant ! knowest thou what thou art attempting ? 
 Wouldst thou lay thine hand on the Lord's anointed, or 
 shed his precious blood ? Turn thee to me, that I may 
 chastise thee for all thy wickedness, and not for the 
 many injuries thou hast done to me ! ' To it we 
 went, with full thirst of vengeance on every side. The 
 duel was fierce; but the might of heaven prevailed, 
 and not my might. The ungodly and reprobate young 
 man fell, covered with wounds, and with curses and 
 blasphemy in his mouth, while I escaped uninjured. 
 Thereto his power extended not. 
 
 I will not deny, that my own immediate impressions of 
 this affair in some degree differed from this statement. 
 But this is precisely as my illustrious friend described it 
 to me afterwards, and I can rely implicitly on his 
 information, as he was at that time a looker-on, and my 
 senses all in a state of agitation, and he could have no 
 motive for saying what was not the positive truth. 
 
 Never till my brother was down did we perceive that 
 there had been witnesses to the whole business. Our 
 ears were then astounded by rude challenges of unfair 
 play, which were quite appalling to me ; but my friend 
 laughed at them, and conducted me off in perfect safety. 
 As to the unfairness of the transaction, I can say thus 
 much, that my royal friend's sword was down ere ever 
 mine was presented. But if it still be accounted unfair 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 179 
 
 to take up a conqueror, and punish him in his own way, I 
 answer : that if a man is sent on a positive mission by 
 his master, and hath laid himself under vows to do his 
 work, he ought not to be too nice in the means of accom- 
 plishing it ; and farther, I appeal to holy writ, wherein 
 many instances are recorded of the pleasure the Lord 
 takes in the final extinction of the wicked and profane ; 
 and this position I take to be unanswerable. 
 
 I was greatly disturbed in my mind for many days, 
 knowing that the transaction had been witnessed, and 
 sensible also of the perilous situation I occupied, owing 
 to the late judgment of the court against me. But, on 
 the contrary, I never saw my enlightened friend in such 
 high spirits. He assured me there was no danger ; and 
 again repeated, that he warranted my life against the 
 power of man. I thought proper, however, to remain in 
 hiding for a week ; but as he said, to my utter amaze- 
 ment, the blame fell on another, who was not only accused, 
 but pronounced guilty by the general voice, and outlawed 
 for non-appearance ! how could I doubt, after this, that 
 the hand of heaven was aiding and abetting me ? The 
 matter was beyond my comprehension ; and as for my 
 friend, he never explained anything that was past, but 
 his activity and art were without a parallel. 
 
 He enjoyed our success mightily; and for his sake I 
 enjoyed it somewhat, but it was on account of his comfort, 
 onh , for I could not for my life perceive in what degree 
 the Church was better or purer, than before these deeds 
 were done. He continued to flatter me with great things 
 as to honours, fame, and emolument : and above all, with 
 the blessing and protection of Him to whom my body and 
 soul were dedicated. But after these high promises, I 
 got no longer peace; for he began to urge the death of 
 
i8o The Private Memoirs and 
 
 my father with such an unremitting earnestness, that I 
 found I had nothing for it but to comply. I did so; and 
 cannot express his enthusiasm of approbation. So much 
 did he hurry and press me in this, that I was forced to 
 devise some of the most openly violent measures, having 
 no alternative. Heaven spared me the deed, taking, in 
 that instance, the vengeance in its own hand; for before 
 my arm could effect the sanguine but meritorious act, the 
 old man followed his son to the grave. My illustrious 
 and zealous friend seemed to regret this somewhat; but 
 he comforted himself with the reflection, that still I had 
 the merit of it, having not only consented to it, but in 
 fact effected it, for by doing the one action I had brought 
 about both. 
 
 No sooner were the obsequies of the funeral over, than 
 my friend and I went to Dalcastle, and took undisputed 
 possession of the houses, lands, and effects that had been 
 my father's; but his plate, and vast treasures of ready 
 money he had bestowed on a voluptuous and unworthy 
 creature, who had lived long with him as a mistress. Fain 
 would I have sent her after her lover, and gave my friend 
 some hints on the occasion; but he only shook his head, 
 and said that we must lay all selfish and interested motives 
 o.:l of the question. 
 
 For a long time, when 1 awaked in the morning, I 
 could not believe my senses, that I was indeed the 
 undisputed and sole proprietor of so much wealth and 
 grandeur; and I felt so much gratified, that I immediately 
 set about doing all the good I was able, hoping to meet 
 with all approbation and encouragement from my friend. 
 I was mistaken : he checked the very first impulses 
 towards such a procedure, questioned my motives, and 
 uniformly made them out to be wrong. There was one 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. i8i 
 
 morning that a servant said to me, there was a lady in 
 the back chamber who wanted to speak with me, but he 
 could not tell me who it was, for all the old servants had 
 left the mansion, every one on hearing of the death of 
 the late laird, and those who had come knew none of the 
 people in the neighbourhood. From several circum- 
 stances, I had suspicions of private confabulations with 
 women, and refused to go to her, but bid the servant 
 inquire what she wanted. She would not tell ; she could 
 only state the circumstances to me ; so I, being sensible 
 that a little dignity of manner became me in my elevated 
 situation, returned for answer, that if it was business that 
 could not be transacted by my steward, it must remain 
 untransacted. The answer which the servant brought 
 back was of a threatening nature. She stated that she 
 must see me, and if I refused her satisfaction there, she 
 would compel it where I should not evite her. 
 
 My friend and director appeared pleased with my 
 dilemma, and rather advised that I should hear what the 
 woman had to say ; on which I consented, provided she 
 would deliver her mission in his presence. She came in 
 with manifest signs of anger and indignation, and began 
 with a bold and direct charge against me of a shameful 
 assault on one of her daughters ; of having used the 
 basest of means in order to lead her aside from the paths 
 of rectitude ; and on the failure of these, of having 
 resorted to the most unqualified measures. 
 
 I denied the charge in all its bearings, assuring the 
 dame that I had never so much as seen either of her 
 daughters to my knowledge, far less wronged them ; on 
 which she got into great wrath, and abused me to my 
 face as an accomplished vagabond, hypocrite, and 
 sensualist ; and she went so far as to tell me roundly, that 
 
1 82 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 if I did not marry her daughter, she would bring me to 
 the gallows, and that in a very short time. 
 
 ' Marry your daughter, honest woman ! ' said I, ' on 
 the faith of a Christian, I never saw your daughter ; and 
 you may rest assured in this, that I will neither marrjr 
 you nor her. Do you consider how short a time I 
 have been in this place ? How much that time has 
 been occupied ? And how there was even a possibility 
 that I could have accomplished such villanies ? ' 
 
 ' And how long does your Christian reverence suppose 
 you have remained in this place since the late laird's 
 death ? ' said she. 
 
 'That is too well known to need recapitulation,' said I; 
 ' only a very few days, though I cannot at present 
 specify the exact number; perhaps from thirty to forty, 
 or so. But in all that time, certes, I have never seen 
 either you, or any of your two daughters that you talk of. 
 You must be quite sensible of that.' 
 
 My friend shook his head three times during this short 
 sentence, while the woman held up her hands in amaze- 
 ment and disgust, exclaiming, ' There goes the self- 
 righteous one ? There goes the consecrated youth, who 
 cannot err ! You, sir, know, and the world shall know 
 of the faith that is in this most just, devout, and religious 
 miscreant ! Can you deny that you have already been 
 in this place four months and seven days ! Or that in 
 that time you have been forbid my house twenty times ? 
 Or that you have persevered in your endeavours to effect 
 the basest and most ungenerous of purposes ? Or that 
 you have attained them ? hypocrite and deceiver as you 
 are ! Yes, sir; I say, dare you deny that you have attained 
 your vile, selfish and degrading purposes towards a young, 
 innocent, and unsuspecting creature, and thereby ruined 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. i8 
 
 a poor widow's only hope in this world ? No, you cannot 
 look in my face, and deny aught of this.' 
 
 'The woman is raving 'mad ! ' said I. 'You, illustrious 
 sir, know, that in the first instance, I have not yet been in 
 this place one month.' My friend shook his head again, 
 and answered me, 'You are wrong, my dear friend; you 
 are wrong. It is indeed the space of time that the lady 
 hath stated, to a day, since you came here, and I came 
 with you; and I am sorry that I know for certairi that 
 you have been frequently haunting her house, and have 
 often had private correspondence with one of the young 
 ladies too. Of the nature of it I presume not to know.' 
 
 ' You are mocking me,' said I. ' But as well may you 
 try to reason me out of my existence, as to convince me 
 that I have been here even one month, or that any of 
 those things you allege against me has the shadow of 
 truth or evidence to support it. I will swear to you by 
 the great God that made me; and by — ' 
 
 ' Hold, you most abandoned profligate ! ' cried she 
 violently, ' and do not add perjury to your other detest- 
 able crimes. Do not, for mercy sake, any more profane 
 that name whose attributes you have wrested and dis- 
 graced. But tell me what reparation you propose offering 
 to my injured child ? ' 
 
 ' I again declare, before heaven, woman, that to the 
 best of my knowledge and recollection, I never saw your 
 daughter. I now think I have some faint recollection of 
 having seen your face, but where, or in what place, 
 puzzles me quite.' 
 
 ' And, why ? ' said she. ' Because for months and days 
 you have been in such a state of extreme inebriety, that 
 your time has gone over like a dream that has been 
 forgotten. I believe, that from the day you came first to 
 
184 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 my house, you have been in a state of utter delirium, and 
 that principally from the fumes of wine and ardent 
 spirits.' 
 
 'It is a manifest falsehood ! ' said I ; ' I have never, 
 since I entered on the possession of Dalcastle, tasted wine 
 or spirits, saving once a few evenings ago ; and, I confess 
 to my shame, that I was led too far ; but I have craved 
 forgiveness and obtained it. I take my noble and dis- 
 tinguished friend there for a witness to the truth of 
 what I assert ; a man who has done more, and sacrificed 
 more for the sake of genuine Christianity, than any this 
 world contains. Him you will believe.' 
 
 ' I hope you have attained forgiveness,' said he, 
 seriously. 'Indeed it would be next to blasphemy to 
 doubt it. But, of late, you have been very much addicted 
 to intemperance. I doubt if from the first night you 
 tasted the delights of drunkenness, that you have ever 
 again been in your right mind until Monday last. Doubt- 
 less you have been for a good while most diligent in your 
 addresses to this lady's daughter.' 
 
 ' This is unaccountable,' said I. ' It is impossible that 
 I can have been doing a thing, and not doing it at the 
 same time. But indeed, honest woman, there have 
 several incidents occurred to me in the course of my life 
 which persuade me I have a second self : or that there is 
 some other being who appears in my likeness.' 
 
 Here my friend interrupted me with a sneer, and a hint 
 that I was talking insanely; and then he added, turning 
 to the lady, ' I know my friend Mr Colwan will do what is 
 just and right. Go and bring the young lady to him, that 
 he may see her, and he will then recollect all his former 
 amours with her.' 
 
 ' I humbly beg your pardon, sir,' said I. ' But the 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 185 
 
 mention of such a thing as amours with any woman 
 existing, to me, is really so absurd, so far from my 
 principles, so far from the purity of nature and frame to 
 which I was born and consecrated, that I hold it as an 
 insult, and regard it with contempt.' 
 
 I would have said more in reprobation of such an idea, 
 had not my servant entered, and said, that a gentleman 
 i^ wanted to see me on business. Being glad of an oppor- 
 tunity of getting quit of my lady visitor, I ordered the 
 servant to show him in; and forthwith a little lean 
 gentleman, with a long aquiline no§e, and a bald head, 
 daubbed all over with powder and pomatum, entered. 
 I thought I recollected having seen him too, but could 
 not remember his name, though he spoke to me with 
 the greatest familiarit}^ ; at least that sort of familiarity 
 that an official person generally assumes. He bustled 
 about and about, speaking to every one, but declined 
 listening for a single moment to any. The lady offered 
 to withdraw, but he stopped her. 
 
 'No, no, Mrs Keeler, you need not go; you need not 
 go; you nmst not go, madam. The business I came about, 
 concerns 3'ou — yes, that it does — Bad business yon of 
 Walker's ? Eh ? Could not help it— did all I could, Mr 
 Wringhim. Done your business. Have it all cut and 
 dry here, sir — No, this is not it — Have it among them 
 though — I'm at a little loss for your name, sir (addressing 
 my friend) — seen you very often though — exceedingly 
 often — quite well acquainted with you.' 
 
 * No, sir, you are not,' said my friend, sternly. The 
 intruder never regarded him; never so much as lifted his 
 eyes from his bundle of law papers, among which he 
 was bustling with great hurry and importance, but went 
 on — 
 
1 86 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 * //;zpossible ! Have seen a face very like it, then —what 
 did you say your name was, sir? — very Hke it indeed. 
 Is it not the young laird who was murdered whom you 
 resemble so much.' 
 
 Here Mrs Keeler uttered a scream, which so much 
 startled me, that it seems I grew pale. And on looking 
 at my friend's face, there was something struck me so 
 forcibly in the likeness between him and my late brother, 
 that I had very nearly fainted. The woman exclaimed, 
 that it was my brother's spirit that stood beside me.' 
 
 Impossible ! ' exclaimed the attorney : ' at least I hope 
 not, else his signature is not worth a pin. There is some 
 balance due on yon business, madam. Do you wish your 
 account ? because I have it here, ready discharged, and it 
 does not suit letting such things lie over. This business 
 of Mr Colwan's will be a severe one on you, madam — 
 rather a severe one.' 
 
 * What business of mine, if it be your will, sir,' ?aid I. 
 ' For my part I never engaged you in business of any sort, 
 less or more.* He never regarded me, but went on. 
 ' You may appeal, though : Yes, yes, there are such 
 things as appeals for the refractory. Here it is, gentle- 
 men — here they are all together — Here is, in the first place, 
 sir, your power of attorney, regularly warranted, sealed, 
 and signed with your own hand.' 
 
 ' I declare solemnly that I never signed that document,' 
 said I. 
 
 *Ay, ay, the system of denial is not a bad one in 
 general,' said my attorney; ' but at present there is no 
 occasion for it. You do not deny your own hand ! ' 
 
 ^I deny everything connected with the business,' cried 
 I; * I disclaim it zh to to, and declare that I know no more 
 about it than the child unborn.' 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 187 
 
 * That is exceedingly good ! ' exclaimed he; ' I like your 
 pertinacity vastly ! I have three of your letters, and three 
 of your signatures; that part is all settled, and I hope 
 so is the whole affair; for here is the original grant to 
 your father, which he has never thought proper to put 
 in requisition. Simple gentleman ! But here have I, 
 Lawyer Linkum, in one hundredth part of the time that 
 any other notary, writer, attorney, or writer to the signet 
 in Britain, would have done it, procured the signature of 
 His Majesty's commissioner, and thereby confirmed the 
 charter to you and your house, sir, for ever and ever — 
 begging your pardon, madam.' The lady, as well as 
 myself, tried several times to interrupt the loquacity of 
 Linkum, but in vain : he only raised his hand with a 
 quick flourish, and went on : 
 
 * Here it is — " James, by the grace of God, King of 
 Great Britain, France, and Ireland, to his right trusty 
 cousin, sendeth greeting : And whereas his right leal 
 and trustworthy cousin, George Colwan of Dalcastle and 
 Balgrennan, hath suffered great losses, and undergone 
 much hardship, on behalf of his Majesty's rights and titles; 
 he therefore, for himself, and as prince and steward of 
 Scotland, and by the consent of his right trusty cousins 
 and councillors, hereby grants to the said George Colwan, 
 his heirs and assignees whatsomever, heritably and irre- 
 vocably, all and haill the lands and others underwritten. 
 To wit^ All and haill, the five merk land of Kipplerig; 
 the five pound land of Easter Knockward, with all the 
 towers, fortalices, manor-places, houses, biggings, yards, 
 orchards, tofts, crofts, mills, woods, fishings, mosses, muirs, 
 meadows, commonties, pasturages, coals, coal-heughs, 
 tenants, tenantries, services of free tenants, annexes, 
 connexes, dependencies, parts, pendicles, and pertinents 
 
1 88 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 of the same whatsomever ; to be peaceably brooked, 
 joysed, set, used, and disposed of by him and his aboves, 
 as specified, heritably and irrevocably, in all time coming : 
 And, in testimony thereof. His Majesty, for himself, and 
 as prince and steward of Scotland, with the advice and 
 consent of his foresaids, knowledge, proper motive, and 
 kingly power, makes, erects, creates, unites, annexes, and 
 incorporates, the whole lands above mentioned in an 
 haill and free barony, by all the rights, miethes, and 
 marches thereof, old and divided, as the same lies, in 
 length and breadth, in houses, biggings, mills, multures, 
 hawking, hunting, fishing; with court, plaint herezeld, 
 fock, fork, sack, sock, thole, thame, vert, wraik, waith, 
 wair, venison, outfang thief, infang thief, pit and gallows, 
 and all and sundry other commodities. Given at our 
 Court of Whitehall, etc., et;c. God save the King. 
 
 ^^Composz'tio 5 h'b. 13. 8. 
 "Registrate 26th September, 1687." 
 
 ' See, madam, here are ten signatures of privy 
 councillors of that year, and here are other ten of the 
 present year, with his Grace the Duke of Queensberry at 
 the head. All right — See here it is, sir — all right — done 
 your work. So you see, madam, this gentleman is the 
 true and sole heritor of all the land that your father . 
 possesses, with all the rents thereof for the last twenty 
 years and upwards. — Fine job lot my employers !— sorry 
 on your account madam— can't help it.' 
 
 I was again going to disclaim all interest or connexion 
 in the matter but my friend stopped me; and the plaints 
 and lamentations of the dame became so overpowering, 
 that they put an end to all further colloquy; but Lawyer 
 Linkum followed me, and stated his great outlay, and the 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 189 
 
 important services he had rendered me, until I was 
 obliged to subscribe an order to him for ^100 on my 
 banker. 
 
 I was now glad to retire with my friend, and ask seri- 
 ously for some explanation of all this. It was in the 
 highest degree unsatisfactory. He confirmed all that 
 had been stated to me; assuring me, that I had not only 
 been assiduous in my endeavours to seduce a young lady 
 of great beauty, which it seemed I had effected, but that 
 I had taken counsel, and got this supposed old, false, and 
 forged grant, raked up and new signed, to ruin the young 
 lady's family quite, so as to throw her entirely on myself 
 for protection, and be wholly at my will. 
 
 This was to me wholly incomprehensible. I could 
 have freely made oath to the contrary of every particular. 
 Yet the evidences were against me, and of a nature not 
 to be denied. Here I must confess, that, highly as I dis- 
 approved of the love of women, and all intimacies and 
 connexions with the sex, I felt a sort of indefinite pleasure, 
 an ungracious delight in having a beautiful woman solely 
 at my disposal. But I thought of her spiritual good in 
 the meantime. My friend spoke of my backslidings with 
 concern ; requesting me to make sure of my forgiveness, 
 and to forsake them ; and then he added some words of 
 sweet comfort. But from this time forth I began to be 
 sick at times of my existence. I had heart-burnings, 
 longings, and yearnings, that would not be satisfied ; and 
 I seemed hardly to be an accountable creature ; being 
 thus in the habit of executing transactions of the utmost 
 moment, without being sensible that I did them. I was 
 a being incomprehensible to myself. Either I had a 
 second self, who transacted business in my likeness, or 
 else my body was at times possessed by a spirit over 
 
190 
 
 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 which it had no control, and of whose actions my own 
 soul was wholly unconscious. This was an anomaly not 
 to be accounted for by any philosophy of mine ; and I 
 was many times, in contemplating it, excited to terrors 
 and mental torments hardly describable. To be in a 
 state of consciousness and unconsciousness, at the same 
 time, in the same body and same spirit, was impossible. 
 I was under the greatest anxiety, dreading some change 
 would take place momently in my nature ; for of dates I 
 could make nothing : one-half, or two-thirds of my time, 
 seemed to me to be totally lost. I often, about this time, 
 prayed with great fervour, and lamented my hopeless 
 condition, especially in being liable to the commission of 
 crimes, which I was not sensible of, and could not eschew. 
 And I confess, notwithstanding the promises on which I 
 had been taught to rely, I began to have secret terrors, 
 that the great enemy of man's salvation was exercising 
 powers over me, that might eventually lead to my ruin. 
 These were but temporary and sinful fears, but they 
 added greatly to my unhappiness. 
 — The worst thing of all was, what hitherto I had never 
 felt, and, as yet, durst not confess to myself, that the 
 presence of my illustrious and devoted friend was becom- 
 ing irksome to me. When I was by myself, I breathed 
 freer, and my step was lighter; but, when he approached", a 
 pang went to my heart; and, in his company, I moved 
 and acted as if under a load that I could hardly endure. 
 What a state to be in ! And yet to shake him off was 
 impossible — we were incorporated together — identified 
 with one another, as it were, and the power was not in 
 me to separate myself from him. I still knew nothing 
 who he was, farther than that he was a potentate of some 
 foreign land, bent on establishing some pure and genuine 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 191 
 
 doctrines of Christianity, hitherto only half-understood, 
 and less than half-exercised. Of this I could have no 
 doubts, after all that he had said, done and suffered in the 
 cause. But alongst with this, I was also certain that he 
 was possessed of some supernatural power, of the source 
 of which I was wholly ignorant. That a man could be a 
 Christian, and at the same time a powerful necromancer, 
 appeared inconsistent, and adverse to every principle 
 taught in our Church; and from this I was led to believe, 
 that he inherited his powers from on high, for I could 
 not doubt either of the soundness of his principles, or 
 that he accomplished things impossible to account for. 
 
 Thus was I sojourning in the midst of a chaos of con- 
 fusion. I looked back on my bypast life with pain, as one 
 looks back on a perilous journey, in which he has attained 
 his end, without gaining any advantage either to himself 
 or others; and I looked forward, as on a darksome waste, 
 full of repulsive and terrific shapes, pitfalls, and precipices 
 to which there was no definite bourne, and from which I 
 turned with disgust. With my riches, my unhappiness 
 was increased tenfold : and here, with another great ac- 
 quisition of property, for which I had pleaed, and which I 
 had gained in a dream, my mxiseries and difficulties were 
 increasing. My principal feeling, about this time, was an 
 insatiable longing for something that I cannot describe or 
 denominate properly, unless I say it was for utter oblivion 
 that I longed. I desired to sleep; but it was for a deeper 
 and longer sleep than that in which the senses were 
 nightly steeped. I longed to be at rest and quiet, and 
 close my eyes on the past and the future alike, as far as 
 this frail life was concerned. But what had been formerly 
 and finally settled in the councils above, I presumed not 
 to call in question. 
 
192 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 In this state of irritation and misery, was I dragging on 
 an existence, disgusted with all' around me, and in 
 particular with my mother, who, with all her love and 
 anxiety, had such an insufferable mode of manifesting 
 them, that she had by this time rendered herself exceed- 
 ingly obnoxious to me. The very sound of her voice at 
 a distance went to my heart like an arrow, and made all 
 my nerves to shrink ; and as for the beautiful young lady 
 of whom they told me I had been so much enamoured, I 
 shunned all intercourse with her or hers as I would have 
 done with the devil. I read some of their letters and 
 burnt them, but refused to see either the young lady or 
 her mother, on any account. 
 
 About this time it was, that my worthy and reverend 
 parent came with one of his elders to see my mother and 
 myself. His presence always brought joy with it into our 
 family, for my mother was uplifted, and I had so few who 
 cared for me, or for whom I cared, that I felt rather 
 gratified at seeing him.. My illustrious friend was also 
 much more attached to him than any other person (ex- 
 cept myself), for their religious principles tallied in every 
 point, and their conversation was interesting, serious, and 
 sublime. Being anxious to entertain well and highly the 
 man to whom I had been so much indebted, and know- 
 ing that with all his integrity and righteousness^ he 
 disdained not the good things of this life, I brought from 
 the late laird's well-stored cellars, various fragrant and 
 salubrious wines, and we drank and became merry, and 
 I found that my miseries and overpowering calamities 
 passed away over my head like a shower that is driven by 
 the wind. I became elevated and happy, and welcomed 
 my guests an hundred times ; and then I joined them in 
 religious conversation, with a zeal and enthusiasm which 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 193 
 
 I had not often experienced, and which made all their 
 hearts rejoice, so that I said to myself, ' Surely every gift 
 of God is a blessing, and ought to be used with liberality 
 and thankfulness.' 
 
 The next day I waked from a profound and feverish 
 sleep, and called for something to drink. There was a 
 servant answered whom I had never seen before, and he 
 was clad in my servant's clothes and livery. I asked for 
 Andrew Handyside, the servant who had waited at table 
 the night before ; but the man answered with a stare and 
 a smile. 
 
 ' What do you mean, sirrah,' said I. ' Pray what do you 
 here ? or what are you pleased to laugh at ? I desire you 
 to go about your business, and send me up Handyside. 
 I want him to bring me something to drink.' 
 
 *Ye sanna want a drink, maister,' said the fellow. 
 ' Tak a hearty ane, and see if it will wauken ye up some- 
 thing, sae that ye dinna ca' for ghaists through your 
 sleep. Surely you haena forgotten that Andrew Handy- 
 side has been in his grave these six months ? ' 
 
 This was a stunning blow to me. I could not answer 
 further, but sunk back on my pillow as if I had been a 
 lump of lead, refusing to take a drink or anything else at 
 the fellow's hand, who seemed thus mocking me with so 
 grave a face. The man seemed sorry, and grieved at my 
 being offended, but I ordered him away, and continued 
 sullen and thoughtful. Could I have again been for a 
 season in utter oblivion to myself and transacting business 
 which I neither approved of, nor had any connection 
 with ! I tried to recollect something in which I might 
 have been engaged, but nothing was portrayed on my 
 mind subsequent to the parting with my friends at a late 
 hour the evening before. The evening before it certainly 
 
 N 
 
194 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 was ; but if so, how came it, that Andrew Handyside, 
 who served at table that evening, should have been in his 
 grave six months ! This was a circumstance somewhat 
 equivocal ; therefore, being afraid to arise lest accusations 
 of I knew not what might come against me, I was obliged 
 to call once more in order to come at what intelligence I 
 could. The same fellow appeared to receive my orders as 
 before, and I set about examining him with regard to 
 particulars. He told me his name was Scrape ; that I 
 hired him myself ; of whom I hired him ; and at whose 
 recommendation. I smiled, and nodded so as to let the 
 knave see I understood he was telling me a chain of false- 
 hoods, but did not choose to begin with any violent 
 asseverations to the contrary. 
 
 ' And where is my noble friend and companion ? ' said I. 
 * How has he been engaged in the interim ? ' 
 
 ' I dinna ken him, sir,' said Scrape; ' but have heard it 
 said, that the strange mysterious person that attended 
 you, him that the maist part of the folks counted un- 
 canny, had gone awa' wi' a Mr Ringan o' Glasgow last 
 year, and had never returned.' 
 
 I thanked the Lord in my heart at this intelligence, 
 hoping that the illustrious stranger had returned to his 
 own land and people, and that I should thenceforth be 
 rid of his controlling and appalling presence. ' And where 
 is my mother ? ' said I — The man's breath cut short, and 
 he looked at me without returning any answer — ' I ask 
 you where my mother is ? ' said I. 
 
 ' God only knows, and not I, where she is,' returned 
 he. ' He knows where her soul is, and as for her body, 
 if ye dinna ken something o' it, I suppose nae man alive 
 does.' 
 
 ' What do you mean, you knave ? ' said I; ' what dark 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. lor 
 
 hints are these you are throwing out ? Tell me precisely 
 and distinctly what you know of my mother.' 
 
 ' It is unco queer o' ye to forget, or pretend to forget 
 every thing that gate, the day, sir,' said he. * I'm sure 
 you heard enough about it yestreen; an' I can tell you, 
 there are some gayan ill-faured stories gaun about that 
 business. But as the thing is to be tried afore the circuit 
 lords, it wad be far wrang to say either this or that to 
 influence the public mind; it is best just to let justice tak 
 its swee. I hae naething to say, sir. Ye hae been a 
 good enough maister to me, and paid my wages regularly, 
 but ye hae muckle need to be innocent, for there are 
 some heavy accusations rising against you.' 
 
 ' I fear no accusations of man,' said I, ' as long as I can 
 justify my cause in the sight of heaven; and that I can 
 do this I am well aware. Go you and bring me some 
 wine and water, and some other clothes than these gaudy 
 and glaring ones.' 
 
 I took a cup of wine and water ; put on my black 
 clothes and walked out. For all the perplexity that 
 surrounded me, I felt my spirits considerably buoyant. 
 It appeared that I was rid of the two greatest bars to my 
 happiness, by what agency I knew not. My mother, it 
 seemed, was gone who had become a grievous thorn in 
 my side of late, and my great companion and counsellor, 
 who tyrannised over every spontaneous movement of my 
 heart, had likewise taken himself off. This last was an 
 unspeakable relief; for I found that for a long season 
 I had only been able to act by the motions of his 
 mysterious mind and spirit. I therefore thanked God for 
 my deliverance, and strode through my woods with a 
 daring and heroic step ; with independence in my eye, 
 and freedom swinging in my right hand. 
 
196 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 At the extremity of the Colwan wood, I perceived a 
 figure approaching me with slow and dignified motion. 
 The moment that I beheld it, my whole frame received a 
 shock as if the ground on which I walked had sunk 
 suddenly below me. Yet, at that moment, I knew not 
 who it was ; it was the air and motion of some one that 
 I dreaded, and from whom I would gladly have escaped ; 
 but this I even had not power to attempt. It came 
 slowly onward, and I advanced as slowly to meet it ; yet 
 when we came within speech, I still knew not who it was. 
 It bore the figure, air, and features of my late brother, I 
 thought, exactly ; yet in all these there were traits so for- 
 bidding, so mixed with an appearance of misery, chagrin, 
 and despair, that I still shrank from the view, not knowing 
 on whose face I looked. But when the being spoke, both 
 my mental and bodily frame received another shock, 
 more terrible than the first, for it was the voice of the 
 great personage I had so long denominated my friend, of 
 whom I had deemed myself for ever freed, and whose 
 presence and counsels I now dreaded more than hell. 
 It was his voice, but so altered — I shall never forget it 
 till my dying day. Nay, I can scarce conceive it possible 
 that any earthly sounds- could be so discordant, so 
 repulsive to every feeling of a human soul, as the tones 
 of the voice that grated on my ear at that moment. 
 They were the sounds of the pit, wheezed through a 
 grated cranny, or seemed so to my distempered imagina- 
 tion. 
 
 ' So ! thou shudderest at my approach now, dost thou ? ' 
 said he. * Is this all the gratitude that you deign for an 
 attachment of which the annals of the world furnish no 
 parallel ? An attachment which has caused me to forego 
 power and dominion, might, homage, conquest, and adu- 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 197 
 
 lation, all that I might gain one highly valued and sancti- 
 fied spirit to my great and true principles of reformation 
 among mankind. Wherein have I offended ? What 
 have I done for evil, or what have I not done for your 
 good, that you would thus shun my presence ? ' 
 
 * Great and magnificent prince,' said I humbly, * let me 
 request of you to abandon a poor worthless wight to his 
 own wa}^^vard fortune, and return to the dominion of 
 your people. I am unworthy of the sacrifices you have 
 made for my sake; and after all your efforts, I do not 
 feel that you have rendered me either more virtuous or 
 more happy. For the sake of that which is estimable in 
 human nature depart from me to your own home, before 
 you render me a being altogether above, or below the 
 rest of my fellow-creatures. Let me plod on towards 
 heaven and happiness in my own way, like those that 
 have gone before me, and I promise to stick fast by the 
 great principles which you have so strenuously inculcated, 
 on condition that you depart and leave me for ever.' 
 
 ' Sooner shall you make the mother abandon the child 
 of her bosom; nay, sooner cause the shadow to relinquish 
 the substance, than separate me from your side. Oui 
 beings are amalgamated, as it were, and consociated in 
 one, and never shall I depart from this country until I 
 can carry you in triumph with me.' 
 
 I can in nowise describe the effect this appalling speech 
 - had on me. It was like the announcement of death to 
 one who had of late deemed himself free, if not of some- 
 thing worse than death, and of longer continuance. 
 There was I doomed to remain in misery, subjugated, 
 soul and body, to one whose presence was become more 
 intolerable to me than ought on earth could compensate. 
 And at that moment, when he beheld the anguish of my 
 
198 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 soul, he could not conceal that he enjoyed it. I was 
 troubled for an answer, for which he was waiting : it 
 became incumbent on me to say something after such a 
 protestation of attachment; and, in some degree to shake 
 the validity of it, I asked, with great simplicity, where he 
 had been all this while ? 
 
 ' Your crimes and your extravagances forced me from 
 your side for a season,' said he; ' but now that I hope 
 the day of grace is returned, I am again drawn towards 
 you by an affection that has neither bounds nor interest; 
 an affection for which I receive not even the poor return 
 of gratitude, and which seems to have its radical sources 
 in fascination. I have been far, far abroad, and have 
 seen much, and transacted much, since I last spoke with 
 you. During that space, I grievously suspect that you 
 have been guilty of great crimes and misdemeanours, 
 crimes that would have sunk an unregenerated person to 
 perdition; but as I knew it to be only a temporary 
 falling off, a specimen of that liberty by which the chosen 
 and elected ones are made free, I closed my eyes on the 
 wilful debasement of our principles knowing that the 
 transgressions could never be accounted to your charge, 
 and that in good time you would come to your senses, 
 and throw the whole weight of your crimes on the 
 shoulders that had voluntarily stooped to receive the 
 load.' 
 
 ' Certainly I will,' said I, ' as I and all the justified have 
 a good right to do. But what crimes? what mis- .^ 
 demeanours and transgressions do you talk about ? For 
 my part, I am conscious of none, and am utterly amazed 
 at insinuations which I do not comprehend.' 
 
 ' You have certainly been left to yourself for a season/ 
 returned he, ' having gone on rather like a person in a 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 199 
 
 delirium, than a Christian in his sober senses. You are 
 accused of having made away with your mother privately; 
 -. as also of the death of a beautiful young lady, whose 
 affections you had seduced.' 
 
 ' It is an intolerable and monstrous falsehood ! ' cried I, 
 interrupting him; 'I never laid a hand on a woman to 
 take away her life, and have even shunned their society 
 from my childhood; I know nothing of my mother's exit, 
 nor of that young lady's whom you mention. — Nothing 
 whatever.' 
 
 *I hope it is so,' said he. 'But it seems there are 
 some strong presumptuous proofs against you, and I came 
 to warn you this day that a precognition is in progress, 
 and that unless you are perfectly convinced, not only of 
 your innocence, but of your ability to prove it, it will be 
 the safest course for you to abscond, and let the trial 
 go on without you.' 
 
 ' Never shall it be said that I shrunk from such a trial 
 as this,' said I. ' It would give grounds for suspicions of 
 guilt that never had existence, even in thought. I will 
 go and show myself in every public place, that no 
 slanderous tongue may wag against me. I have shed the 
 blood of sinners, but of these deaths I am guiltless; there- 
 fore, I will face every tribunal, and put all my accusers 
 down.' 
 
 ' Asseverations 'will avail you but little,' answered he 
 composedly. ' It is, however, justifiable in its place, 
 although to me it signifies nothing who know too well 
 that you did commit both crimes, in your own person, 
 and with your own hands. Far be it from me to betray 
 you; indeed, I would rather endeavour to palliate the 
 offences, for though adverse to nature, I can prove them 
 not to be so to the cause of pure Christianity, by the 
 
200 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 mode of which we have approved of it and which we 
 wish to promulgate.- 
 
 ' If this that you tell me be true,' said I, ' then is it as 
 true that I have two souls, which take possession of my 
 bodily frame by turns, the one being all unconscious of 
 what the other performs; for as sure as I have at this 
 moment a spirit within me, fashioned and destined to 
 eternal felicity, as sure am I utterly ignorant of the 
 crimes you now lay to my charge.' 
 
 ' Your supposition may be true in effect,' said he. 
 ' We are all subjected to two distinct natures in the same 
 person. I myself have suffered grievously in that way. 
 The spirit that now directs my energies is not that with 
 which I was endowed at my creation. It is changed 
 within me, and so is my whole nature. My former days 
 were those of grandeur and felicity. But, would you 
 believe it ? / was not then a Christian. Now I am. 
 I have been converted to its truths by passing through 
 the fire, and since my final conversion, my misery has 
 been extreme. You complain that I have not been able 
 to render you more happy than you were. Alas ! do 
 you expect it in the difficult and exterminating career 
 which you have begun. I, however, promise you this — 
 a portion of the only happiness which I enjoy, sublime 
 in its motions, and splendid in its attainments — I will 
 place you on the right hand of my throne, and show you 
 the grandeur of my domains, and the felicity of my 
 millions of true professors.' 
 
 I was once more humbled before this mighty potentate, 
 and promised to be ruled wholly by his directions, 
 although at that moment my nature shrunk from the 
 concessions, and my soul longed rather to be inclosed in 
 the depths of the sea, or involved once more in utter 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 201 
 
 oblivion. I was like Daniel in the den of lions, withoiat his 
 faith in divine support, and wholly at their mercy. I 
 felt as one round whose body a deadly snake is twisted, 
 which continues to hold him in its fangs, without in- 
 juring him farther than in moving its scaly infernal folds 
 with exulting delight, to let its victim feel to whose 
 power he has subjected himself; and thus did I for a 
 space drag an existence from day to day, in utter weari- 
 ness and helplessness; at one time worshipping with 
 great fervour of spirit, and at other times so wholly left 
 to mj'self as to work all manner of vices and follies with 
 greediness. In these, my enlightened friend never 
 accompanied me, but I alwa3^s observed that he was the 
 first to lead me to every one of them, and then leave me 
 in the lurch. The next day, after these my fallings off, 
 he never failed to reprove me gently, blaming me for 
 my venial trangressions; but then he had the art of 
 reconciling all, by reverting to my justified and infallible 
 state, which I found to prove a delightful healing salve 
 for every sore. 
 
 But of all my troubles, this was the chief : I was every 
 day and every hour assailed with accusations of deeds of 
 which I was wholly ignorant; of acts of cruelty, injustice, 
 defamation, and deceit; of pieces of business which I 
 could not be made to comprehend; with lawsuits, details, 
 arrestments of judgment, and a thousand interminable 
 quibbles from the mouth of my loquacious and conceited 
 attorney. So miserable was my life rendered by these 
 continued attacks, that I was often obliged to lock myself 
 up for days together, never seeing any person save my 
 man Samuel Scrape, who was a very honest blunt fellow, 
 a staunch Cameronian, but withal very little conversant 
 in religious matters. He said he came from a place called 
 
202 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 Penpunt, which I thought a name so ludicrous that I 
 called him by the name of his native village, an appella- 
 tion of which he was very proud, and answered everything 
 with more civility and perspicuity when I denomi- 
 nated him Penpunt, than Samuel, his own Christian 
 name. Of this peasant was I obliged to make a com- 
 panion on sundry occasions, and strange indeed were the 
 details which he gave me concerning myself, and the 
 ideas of the country people concerning me. I took down 
 a few of these in writing, to put off the time, and here 
 leave them on record to show how the best and greatest 
 actions are misconstrued among sinful and ignorant men. 
 
 'You say, Samuel, that I hired you myself — that I 
 have been a good enough master to you, and have paid 
 you your weekly wages punctually. Now, how is it that 
 you say this, knowing, as you do, that I never hired you, 
 and never paid you a sixpence of wages in the whole 
 course of my life, excepting this last month ? ' 
 
 ' Ye may as weel say, master, that water's no water, or 
 that stanes are no stanes. But that's just your gate, an' 
 it is a great pity aye to do a thing an' profess the clean 
 contrair. Weel then, since you havena paid me ony 
 wages, an' I can prove day and date when I was hired, an' 
 came hame to your service, will you be sae kind as to pay 
 me now ? That's the best way o' curing a man o' the 
 mortal disease o' leasing-making that I ken o'.' 
 
 ' I should think that Penpunt and Cameronian prin- 
 ciples would not admit of a man taking twice payment 
 for the same article.' 
 
 ' In sic a case as this, sir, it disna hinge upon principles, 
 but a piece o' good manners; an' I can tell you that at 
 sic a crisis, a Cameronian is a gayan weel-bred man. 
 He's driven to this, that he maun either make a breach 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 203 
 
 in his friend's good name or in his purse; an' O, sir, 
 whilk o' thae, think you, is the most precious ? For 
 instance, an' a Galloway drover had comed to the town 
 o' Penpunt, an' said to a Cameronian (the folk's a' 
 Cameronians there), " Sir, I want to bu}^ your cow." 
 " Vera weel," says the Cameronian, " I just want to sell the 
 cow, sae gie me twanty punds Scots, an take her wi' ye." 
 It's a bargain. The drover takes away the cow, and gies 
 the Cameronian his twanty pund Scots. But after that, 
 he meets him again on the white sands, amang a' the 
 drovers an' dealers o' the land, an' the Gallowayman, he 
 says to the Cameronian, afore a' thae witnesses, " Come, 
 Master Whiggam, I hae never paid you for yon bit 
 useless cow, that I bought, I'll pay her the day, but you 
 maun mind the luck-penny; there's muckle need for't," — 
 or something to that purpose. The Cameronian then 
 turns out to be a civil man, an' canna bide to make the 
 man baith a feele an' liar at the same time afore his 
 associates; an' therefore he pits his principles aff at the 
 side, to be a kind o' sleeping partner, as it war, an' brings 
 up his good breeding to stand at the counter : he pockets 
 the money, gies the Galloway driver time o' day, an' 
 comes his way. An' wha's to blame ? Man mind 
 yoiirseV is the first commandment. A Cameronian's 
 principles never came atween him and his purse, nor 
 sanna in the present case; as I canna bide to make you 
 out a leear, I'll thank you for my wages.' 
 
 ' Well, you shall have them, Samuel, if you declare to 
 me that I hired you myself in this same person, and 
 bargained with you this same tongue, and voice, with 
 which I speak to you just now.' 
 
 ' That I do declare, unless ye hae twa persons o' the 
 same appearance, and twa tongues to the same voice. 
 
204 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 But, 'od seif us, sir, do you ken what the auld wives o' 
 the clachan say about you ? ' 
 
 ' How should I when no one repeats it to me ? ' 
 
 * Oo, I trow it's a' stuiT; folk shouldna heed what's said 
 by auld crazy kimmers. But there are some o' them weel 
 kend for witches too; an' they say— Lord have a care o' us ! 
 — they say the deil's often seen gaun sidie for sidie w'ye, 
 whiles in ae shape, an' whiles in anither. An' they say 
 that he whiles takes your ain shape, or else enters into 
 you and then you turn deil yoursel'.' 
 
 I was so astounded at this terrible idea that had gone 
 abroad, regarding my fellowship with the prince of dark- 
 ness, that I could make no answer to the fellow's informa- 
 tion, but sat like one in a stupor; and if it had not been 
 for my well-founded faith and conviction that I was a 
 chosen and elected one before the world was made, I 
 should at that moment have given into the popular 
 belief, and fallen into the sin of despondency; but I was 
 preserved from such a fatal error by an inward and 
 unseen supporter. Still the insinuation was so like what 
 I felt myself that I was greatly awed and confounded. 
 
 The poor fellow observed this, and tried to do away 
 the impression by some farther sage remarks of his 
 own. 
 
 ' Hout, dear sir, it is balderdash, there's nae doubt o't. 
 It is the crownhead o' absurdity to tak in the havers o' 
 auld wives for gospel. I told them that my master was a 
 peeous man, an' a sensible man; an' for praying, that he 
 could ding auld Macmillan himsel'. " Sae could the deil, ' 
 they said, " when he liket, either at preaching or praying, 
 if these war to answer his ain ends." " Na, na," says I, 
 " but he's a strick believer in a' the truths o' Christianity, 
 my master." They said, sae was Satan, for that he was 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 205 
 
 the firmest believer in a' the truths of Christianity that 
 was out o' heaven; an' that, sin' the Revolution, that the 
 gospel had turned sae rife, he had been often driven to 
 the shift o' preaching it himsel', for the purpose o' getting 
 some wrang tenets introduced into it, and thereby turn- 
 ing it into blasphemy and ridicule.' 
 
 I confess, to my shame, that I was so overcome by this 
 jumble of nonsense, that a chillness came over me, and in 
 spite of all my eflforts to shake off the impression it had 
 made, I fell into a faint. Samuel soon brought me to 
 myself, and after a deep draught of wine and water, I was 
 greatly revived, and felt my spirit rise above the sphere 
 of vulgar conceptions, and the restrained views of 
 unregenerate men. The shrewd but loquacious fellow, 
 perceiving this, tried to make some amends for the pain 
 he had occasioned to me, by the following story, which 
 I noted down, and which was brought on by a conversa- 
 tion to the following purport : 
 
 'Now, Penpunt, you may tell me all that passed 
 between you and the wives of the clachan. I am better 
 of that stomach qualm, with which I am sometimes 
 seized, and shall be much amused by hearing the senti- 
 ments of noted witches regarding myself and my con- 
 nexions.' 
 
 ' Weel, you see sir, I says to them, " It will be lang afore 
 the deil intermeddle wi' as serious a professor, and as 
 fervent a prayer as my master, for gin he gets the upper 
 hand o' sickan men, wha's to be safe ! " An' what think 
 ye they said, sir ? There was ane Lucky Shaw set up 
 her lang lantern chafts, an' answered me, and a' the rest 
 shanned and noddit, in assent an' approbation : " Ye 
 silly, sauchless, Cameronian cuif ! " quo she, " is that a' 
 that ye ken about the wiles and doings o' the prince o' 
 
2o6 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 the air, that rules an' works in the bairns o' disobedience ? 
 Gin ever he observes a proud professor, wha has mae 
 than ordinary pretensions to a divine caUing, and that 
 reads and prays till the very howlets learn his preambles, 
 that's the man Auld Simmie fixes on to mak a dishclout 
 o'. He canna get rest in hell if he sees a man, or a set 
 of men o' this stamp, an' when he sets fairly to wark, it is 
 seldom that he disna bring them round till his ain 
 measures by hook or by crook. Then, O it is a grand 
 prize for him, an' a proud diel he is, when he gangs hame 
 to his ain ha', wi' a batch o' the souls o' sic strenuous 
 professors on his back. Ay, I trow, auld Ingleby, the 
 Liverpool packman, never came up Glasgow street wi' 
 prouder pomp, when he had ten horse-laids afore him 
 o' Flanders lace, an' Hollin lawn, an' silks an' satins frae 
 the eastern Indians, than Satan wad strodge into hell 
 wi' a pack-lade o' the souls o' proud professors on his 
 braid shoulders. Ha, ha, ha ! I think I see how the auld 
 thief wad be gaun through his gizened dominions, crying 
 his wares, in derision, ' Wha will buy a fresh, cauler divine, 
 a bouzy bishop, a fasting zealot, or a piping priest ? For 
 a' their prayers an' their praises, their aumuses, an' their 
 penances, their whinings, their bowlings, their rantings, 
 an' their ravings, here they come at last ! Behold the 
 end ! Here go the rare and precious wares I A fat 
 professor for a bodle, an' a lean ane for half a merk ! ' " 
 I declare, I trembled at the auld hag's ravings, but 
 the lave o' the kimmers applauded the sayings as 
 sacred truths. An' then Lucky went on : " There are 
 many wolves in sheep's claithing, among us, my man; 
 mony deils aneath the masks o' zealous professors, 
 roaming about in kirks and meeting-houses o' the land. 
 It was but the year afore the last, that the people o' 
 
(Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 207 
 
 the town o' Auchtermuchty grew so rigidly righteous, 
 that the meanest hind among them became a shining 
 Hght in ither towns an' parishes. There was nought to 
 be heard, neither night or day, but preaching, praying, 
 argumentation, an' catechising in a' the famous town o' 
 Auctermuchty. The young men wooed their sweethearts 
 out o' the Song o' Solomon, and the girls returned 
 answers in strings o' verses out o' the Psalms. At the 
 lint-swinglings, they said questions round; and read 
 chapters, and sang hymns at bridals; auld and young 
 prayed in their dreams, an' prophesied in their sleep, till 
 the deils in the farrest nooks o' hell were alarmed, and 
 moved to commotion. Gin it hadna been an auld carl, 
 Robin Ruthven, Auctermuchty wad at that time hae 
 been ruined and lost for ever. But Robin was a cunning 
 man, an' had rather mae wits than his ain, for he had 
 been in the hands o' the fairies when he w^as young, an' 
 a' kinds o' spirits were visible to his een, an' their 
 language as familiar to him as his ain mother tongue. 
 Robin was sitting on the side o' the West Lowmond, ae 
 still gloomy night in September, when he saw a bridal o' 
 corbie craws coming east the lift, just on the edge o' the 
 gloaming. The moment that Robin saw them, he kenned, 
 by their movements, that they were craws o' some ither 
 warld than this; so he signed himself, and crap into the 
 middle o' his bourock. The corbie craws came a' an' sat 
 down round about him, and they pouket their black 
 sooty wings, and spread them out to the breeze to cool; 
 and Robin heard ae corbie speaking, an' another answering 
 him; an' the tane said to the tither ? 'Where will the 
 ravens find a prey the night ? ' 'On the lean crazy souls 
 o' Auctermuchty,' quo the tither. 'I fear they will be 
 o'er weel wrappet up in the warm flannens o' faith, an' 
 
2o8 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 clouted with the dirty duds o' repentance, for us to mak 
 a meal o" quo the first. 'Whaten vile sounds are these 
 that I hear coming bumming up the hill ? ' ' O these are 
 the hymns and praises o' the auld wives and creeshy loans 
 o' Auctermuchty, wha are gaun crooning their way to 
 heaven; an' gin it warna for the shame o' being beat, we 
 might let our great enemy take them, for sic a prize as he 
 will hae ! Heaven, forsooth ! What shall we think o' 
 heaven, if it is to be filled wi' vermin like thae, among 
 whom there is mair poverty and pollution, that I can 
 name.' 'No matter for that,' said the first, 'we cannot 
 have our power set at defiance; though we should put 
 them in the thief's hole, we must catch them, and catch 
 them with their own bait too. Come all to church to- 
 morrow, and I'll let you hear how I'll gull the saints of 
 Auchtermuchty. In the meantime there is a feast on 
 the Sidlaw hills to-night, below the hill of Macbeth — 
 Mount, Diabolus, and fly.' Then, with loud croaking 
 and crowing, the bridal of corbies again scaled the dusky 
 air, and left Robin Ruthven in the middle of his cairn. 
 
 ' " The next day the congregation met in the kirk of 
 Auchtermuchty, but the minister made not his appear- 
 ance. The elders ran out and in, making inquiries ; 
 but they could learn nothing, save that the minister 
 was missing. They ordered the clerk to sing a part of 
 the 119th Psalm, until they saw if the minister would 
 cast up. The clerk did as he was ordered, and by the 
 time he reached the 77th verse, a strange divine entered 
 the church, by the western door^ and advanced solemnly 
 up to the pulpit. The eyes of all the congregation were 
 rivetted' on the sublime stranger, who was clothed 
 in a robe of black sackcloth, that flowed all around him, 
 and trailed far behind, and they weened him an angel 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 209 
 
 come to exhort them, in disguise. He read out his text 
 from the Prophecies of Ezekiel, which consisted of 
 these singular words : ' I will overturn, overturn, over- 
 turn it ; and it shall be no more, until he come whose 
 right it is, and I will give it him.' 
 
 ' " From these words he preached such a sermon as 
 never was heard by human ears, at least never by ears 
 of Auchtermuchty. It was a true, sterling, gospel 
 sermon — it was striking, sublime, and awful in the ex- 
 treme. He finally made out the // mentioned in the 
 text, to mean, properly and positively, the notable town 
 of Auchtermucht3\ He proved all the people in it, to 
 their perfect satisfaction, to be in the gall of bitterness 
 and bond of iniquity, and he assured them that God 
 would overturn them, their principles and professions ; 
 and that they should be no more, until the devil, the 
 town's greatest enemy came, and then it should be 
 given unto him for a prey, for it was his right, and to 
 him it belonged, if there was not forthwith a radical 
 change made in all their opinions and modes of worship. 
 
 "'The inhabitants of Auchtermuchty were electrified, 
 they were charmed; they were actually raving mad about 
 the grand and sublime truths delivered to them by this 
 eloquent and impressive preacher of Christianity. ' He 
 is a prophet of the Lord,' said one, ' sent to warn us, as 
 Jonah was sent to the Ninevites.' ' O, he is an angel 
 sent from heaven to instruct this great city,' said another, 
 ' for no man ever uttered truths so sublime before.' The 
 good people of Auchtermuchty were in perfect raptures 
 with the preacher who had thus sent them to hell by 
 the slump, tag, rag and bobtail ! Nothing in the world 
 delights a truly religious people so much, as consigning 
 them to eternal damnation. They wondered after the 
 
 O 
 
2IO The Private Memoirs and 
 
 preacher — they crowded together, and spoke of his 
 sermon with admiration, and still as they conversed, the 
 wonder and the admiration increased; so that honest 
 Robin Ruthven's words would not be listened to. It 
 was in vain that he told them he heard a raven speaking, 
 and another raven answering him : the people laughed 
 him to scorn, and kicked him out of their assemblies 
 as one who spoke evil of dignities; and they called him 
 a warlock, an' a daft body, to think to mak language 
 out o' the Grouping o' craws. 
 
 * " The sublime preacher could not be heard of, although 
 all the country was sought for him, even to the minutest 
 corner of St Johnston and Dundee; but as he had 
 announced another sermon on the same text, on a 
 certain day, all the inhabitants of that populous country, 
 far and near, flocked to Auchtermuchty. Cupar, New- 
 burgh, and Strathmiglo, turned out men, women and 
 children. Perth and Dundee gave their thousands; and 
 from the East Nook of Fife to the foot of the Grampian 
 hills, there was nothing but running and riding that 
 morning to Auchtermuchty. The kirk would not hold 
 the thousandth part of them. A splendid tent was erected ^ 
 
 on the brae north of the town, and round that the count- 
 less congregation assembled. When they were all waiting 
 anxiously for the great preacher, behold, Robin Ruthven 
 set up his head in the tent, and warned his countrymen 
 to beware of the doctrines they were about to hear, for 
 he could prove to their satisfaction, that they were all 
 false, and tended to their destruction ! 
 
 '"The whole multitude raised a cry of indignation 
 against Robin, and dragged him from the tent, the elders 
 rebuking him, and the multitude threatening to resort to 
 stronger measures ; and though he told them a plain and 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 211 
 
 unsophisticated tale of the black corbies, he was only 
 
 derided. The great preacher appeared once more, and 
 
 went through his two discourses with increased energy 
 
 and approbation. All who heard him were amazed, and 
 
 many of them went into fits, writhing and foaming in a 
 
 state of the most horrid agitation. Robin Ruthven sat 
 
 on the outskirts of the great assembly, listening with the 
 
 rest, and perceived what they, in the height of their 
 
 enthusiasm, perceived not — the ruinous tendency of the 
 
 tenets so sublimely inculcated. Robin kenned the voice 
 
 of his friend the corby-craw again, and was sure he could 
 
 not be wrang : sae when public worship was finished, a' 
 
 the elders an' a' the gentry flocked about the great 
 
 preacher, as he stood on the green brae in the sight of 
 
 the hale congregation, an' a' war alike anxious to pay him 
 
 some mark o' respect. Robin Ruthven came in amang 
 
 the thrang, to try to eflfect what he had promised ; and, 
 
 with the greatest readiness and simplicity, just took baud 
 
 o' the side an' wide gown, an' in sight of a' present, held 
 
 it aside as high as the preacher's knee, and behold there 
 
 was a pair o' cloven feet ! The auld thief was fairly 
 
 catched in the very height o' his proud conquest, an' put 
 
 down by an auld carl. He could feign nae mair, but 
 
 gnashing on Robin wi' his teeth, he darted into the air 
 
 like a fiery dragon, an' keust a reid rainbow ower the taps 
 
 o' the Lowmonds. 
 
 * "A' the auld wives an' weavers o' Auchtermucht}- fell 
 down flat wi' affright, and betook them to their prayers 
 aince again, for they saw the dreadfu' danger they had 
 escapit, an' frae that day to this it is a hard matter to 
 gar an Auchtermuchty man listen to a serman at a', an' 
 a harder ane still to gar him applaud ane, for he thinks 
 
212 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 aye that he sees the cloven foot peeping out frae aneath 
 ilka sentence. 
 
 ' *' Now, this is a true story, my man," quo the auld 
 wife; ^'an' whenever you are doubtfu' o' a man, take auld 
 Robin Ruthven's plan, an' look for the cloven foot, for it's 
 a thing that winna weel hide; an' it appears whiles where 
 ane wadna think o't. It will keek out frae aneath the 
 parson's gown, the lawyer's wig, and the Cameronian's 
 blue bannet; but still there is a gouden rule whereby to 
 detect it, an' that never, never fails." The auld witch 
 didna gie me the rule, an' though I hae heard tell o't 
 often an' often, shame fa' me an' I ken what it is ! But 
 ye will ken it well, an' it would be nane the waur of a 
 trial on some o' your friends, maybe; for they say there is 
 a certain gentleman seen walking wi' you whiles, that 
 wherever he sets his foot, the grass withers as gin it war 
 scoudered wi' a het ern. His presence be about us ! 
 What's the matter wi' you, master ? Are ye gaun to take 
 the calm o' the stamock again ? ' 
 
 The truth is, that the clown's absurd story, with the 
 still more ridiculous application, made me sick at heart a 
 second time. It was not because I thought my illustrious 
 friend was the devil, or that I took a fool's idle tale as a 
 counterbalance to divine revelation, that had assured me 
 of my justification in the sight of God before the ex- 
 istence of time ; but it gave me a view of my own state, at 
 which I shuddered, as indeed I now always did, when the 
 image of my devoted friend and ruler presented itself to 
 my mind. I often communed with my heart on this, and 
 wondered how a connection, that had the well-being of 
 mankind solely in view, could be productive of fruits so 
 bitter. I then went to try my works by the Saviour's 
 golden rule, as my servant had put it into my head to do ; 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 213 
 
 and, behold, not one of them would stand the test. I had 
 shed blood on a ground on which I could not admit that 
 any man had a right to shed mine; and I began to doubt 
 the motives of my adviser once more, not that they were 
 intentionally bad, but that his was some great mind led 
 astray by enthusiasm, or some overpowering passion. 
 
 He seemed to comprehend every one of these motions 
 of my heart, for his manner towards me altered every 
 day. It first became anything but agreeable, then 
 supercilious, and finally, intolerable ; so that I resolved 
 to shake him oflf, cost what it would, even though I 
 should be reduced to beg my bread in a foreign land. 
 To do it at home was impossible as he held my life in 
 his hands, to sell it whenever he had a mind ; and be- 
 sides, his ascendancy over me was as complete as that of 
 a huntsman over his dogs. I was even so weak, as, the 
 next time I met with him, to look stedfastly at his foot, 
 to see if it was cloven into two hoofs. It was the foot of a 
 gentleman, in every respect, so far as appearances went, 
 but the form of his counsels was somewhat equivocal, 
 and if not double, they were amazingly crooked. 
 
 But, if I had taken my measures to abscond and fly 
 from my native place, in order to free myself of this tor- 
 menting, intolerant, and bloody reformer, he had likewise 
 taken his to expel me, or throw me into the hands of 
 justice. It seems that about this time; I was haunted by 
 some spies connected with my late father and brother, of 
 . whom the mistress of the former was one. My brother's 
 death had been witnessed by two individuals ; indeed, I 
 always had an impression that it was witnessed by more 
 than one, having some faint recollection of hearing 
 voices and challenges close beside me ; and this woman 
 had searched about until she found these people ; but) 
 
214 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 as I shrewdly suspected, not without the assistance of 
 the only person in my secret, — my own warm and 
 devoted friend. I say this, because I found that he had 
 them concealed in the neighbourhood, and then took me 
 again and again where I was fully exposed to their view, 
 without being aware. One time in particular, on 
 pretence of gratifying my revenge on that base woman, 
 he knew so well where she lay concealed, that he led me 
 to her, and left me to the mercy of two viragos, who had 
 very nigh taken my life. My time of residence at 
 Dalcastle was wearing to a crisis. I could no longer live 
 with my tyrant, who haunted me like my shadow ; and 
 besides, it seems there were proofs of murder leading 
 against me from all quarters. Of part of these I deemed 
 myself quite free : but the world deemed otherwise ; and 
 how the matter would have gone, God only knows, for 
 the case never having undergone a judicial trial, I do not. 
 It perhaps, however, behoves me here to relate all that I 
 know of it, and it is simply this : 
 
 On the first of June 17 12, (well may I remember the 
 day) I was sitting locked in my secret chamber, in a state 
 of the utmost despondency, revolving in my mind what I 
 ought to do to be free of my persecutors, and wishing 
 myself a worm, or a moth, that I might be crushed and 
 at rest, when behold Samuel entered, with eyes like to 
 start out of his head, exclaiming, ' For God's sake, master, 
 fly and hide yourself, for your mother's found; an' as sure 
 as you're a living soul, the blame is gaun to fa' on you ! ' 
 
 ' My mother found ! ' said I. ' And pray, where has she 
 been all this while ? ' In the meantime I was terribly 
 discomposed at the thoughts of her return. 
 
 ' Been, sir ? Been ? Why she has been where ye pat 
 her, it seems — lying buried in the sands o' the linn. I 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 215 
 
 can tell you, ye will see her a frightsome figure, sic as I 
 never wish to see again. An' the young lady is found 
 too, sir; an' it is said the devil — I beg pardon, sir, your 
 friend^ I mean — it is said your friend has made the dis- 
 covery, an' the folk are away to raise officers, an' they 
 will be here in an hour or two at the farthest, sir,; an' 
 sae you hae not a minute to lose, for there's proof, sir, 
 strong proof, an' sworn proof, that ye were last seen wi' 
 them baith; sae, unless ye can gie a' the better an 
 account o' baith yoursel' an' them, either hide, or flee for 
 your bare life.' 
 
 'I will neither hide nor fly,' said I, 'for I am as guilt- 
 less of the blood of these women as the child unborn.' 
 
 ' The country disna think sae, master ; an' I can assure 
 you, that should evidence fail, you run a risk o' being 
 torn limb frae limb. They are bringing the corpses here, 
 to gar ye touch them baith afore witnesses, an' plenty o' 
 witnesses there will be ! ' 
 
 'They shall not bring them here,' cried I, shocked 
 beyond measure at the experiment about to be made : 
 ' Go, instantly, and debar them from entering my gate 
 with their bloated and mangled carcasses.' 
 
 ' The body of your own mother, sir ! ' said the fellow 
 emphatically. I was in terrible agitation; and, being 
 driven to my wit's end, I got up and strode furiously 
 round and round the room. Samuel wist not what to 
 do, but I saw by his staring he deemed me doubly guilty. 
 A tap came to the chamber door : we both started like 
 guilty creatures; and as for Samuel, his hair stood all 
 on end with alarm, so that when I motioned to him, 
 he could scarcely advance to open the door. He did so 
 at length, and who should enter but my illustrious 
 friend, manifestly in the utmost state of alarm. The 
 
2i6 The Private Memoirs 
 
 moment that Samuel admitted him, the former made his 
 escape by the prince's side as he entered, seemingly in 
 a state of distraction. I was little better, when I saw 
 this dreaded personage enter my chamber, which he 
 had never before attempted; and being unable to ask 
 his errand, I suppose I stood and gazed on him like a 
 statue. 
 
 * I come with sad and tormenting tidings to you, my 
 beloved and ungrateful friend,' said he ; ' but having only 
 a minute left to save your life, I have come to attempt it. 
 There is a mob coming towards you with two dead bodies; 
 which will place you in circumstances disagreeable enough, 
 but that is not the worst, for of that you may be able to 
 clear yourself. At this moment there is a party of officers, 
 with a Justiciary warrant from Edinburgh, surrounding 
 the house, and about to begin the search of it, for you. 
 If you fall into their hands, you are inevitably lost ; for I 
 have been making earnest inquiries, and find that every- 
 thing is in train for your ruin.' 
 
 * Ay, and who has been the cause of all this ? ' said I, 
 with great bitterness. But he stopped me short, adding, 
 * There is no time for such reflections at present ; I gave 
 you my word of honour that your life should be safe from 
 the hand of man. So it shall, if the power remain with 
 me to save it. I am come to redeem my pledge, and to 
 save your life by the sacrifice of my own. Here — not 
 one word of expostulation ; change habits with me, and 
 you may then pass by the officers, and guards, and even 
 through the approaching mob, with the most perfect 
 temerity. There is a virtue in this garb, and instead of 
 offering to detain you, they shall pay you obeisance. 
 Make haste, and leave this place for the present, flying 
 where you best may, and if I escape from these dangers 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 217 
 
 that surround me, I will endeavour to find you out, and 
 bring you what intelligence I am able.' 
 
 I put on his green frock coat, buff belt, and a sort of a 
 turban that he always wore on his head, somewhat 
 resembling a bishop's mitre ; he drew his hand thrice 
 across my face, and I withdrew as he continued to urge 
 me. My hall door and postern gate were both strongly 
 guarded, and there were sundry armed people within, 
 searching the closets ; but all of them made way for me, and 
 lifted their caps as I passed by them. Only one superior 
 officer accosted me, asking if I had seen the culprit ? I 
 knew not what answer to make, but chanced to say, with 
 great truth and propriety, * He is safe enough.' The 
 man beckoned with a smile, as much as to say, ' Thank 
 you, sir, that is quite sufficient ; and I walked deliberately 
 away. 
 
 I had not well left the gate, till, hearing a great noise 
 coming from the deep glen towards the east, I turned 
 that way, deeming myself quite secure in this my new 
 disguise, to see what it was, and if matters were as had 
 been described to me. There I met a great mob, sure 
 enough, coming with two dead bodies stretched on boards, 
 and decently covered with white sheets. I would fain 
 have examined their appearance, had I not perceived the 
 apparent fury in the looks of the men, and judged from 
 that how much more safe it was for me not to inter- 
 meddle in the affray. I cannot tell how it was, but I felt 
 a strange and unwonted delight in viewing this scene, 
 and a certain pride of heart in being supposed the per- 
 petrator of the unnatural crimes laid to my charge. This 
 was a feeling quite new to me ; and if there were virtues 
 in the robes of the illustrious foreigner, who had without 
 all dispute preserved my life at this time ; I say, if there 
 
2i8 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 was any inherent virtue in these robes of his, as he had 
 suggested, this was one of their effects, that they turned 
 my heart towards that which was evil, horrible and dis- 
 gustful. 
 
 I mixed with the mob to hear what they were saying. 
 Every tongue was engaged in loading me with the most 
 opprobrious epithets ! One called me a monster of 
 nature ; another an incarnate devil ; and another a 
 creature made to be cursed in time and eternity. I 
 retired from them, and winded my way southward, 
 comforting myself with the assurance, that so mankind 
 had used and persecuted the greatest fathers and apostles 
 of the Christian Church, and that their vile opprobrium 
 could not alter the counsels of heaven concerning me. 
 
 On going over that rising ground called Dorington 
 Moor, I could not help turning round and taking a look 
 of Dalcastle. I had little doubt that it would be my 
 last look, and nearly as little ambition that it should 
 not. I thought how high my hopes of happiness and 
 advancement had been on entering that mansion, and 
 taking possession of its rich and extensive domains, 
 and how miserably I had been disappointed. On the 
 contrary, I had experienced nothing but chagrin, disgust, 
 and terror ; and I now consoled myself with the hope 
 that I should henceforth shake myself free of the chains 
 of my great tormentor, and for that privilege was I 
 willing to encounter any earthly distress. I could not 
 help perceiving, that I was now on a path which was 
 likely to lead me into a species of distress hitherto 
 unknown, and hardly dreamed of by me, and that 
 was total destitution. For all the riches I had been 
 possessed of a few hours previous to this, I found that 
 here I was turned out of my lordly possessions without 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 219 
 
 a single merk, or the power of lifting and commanding 
 the smallest sum, without being thereby discovered and 
 seized. Had it been possible for me to have escaped in 
 my own clothes, I had a considerable sum secreted in 
 these, but by the sudden change, I was left without a 
 coin for present necessity. But I had hope in heaven, 
 knowing that the just man would not be left destitute ; 
 and that though many troubles surrounded him, he 
 would at last be set free from them all. I was possessed 
 of strong and brilliant parts, and a liberal education ; 
 and though I had somehow unaccountably suffered my 
 theological qualifications to fall into desuetude, since 
 my acquaintance with the ablest and most rigid of all 
 theologians, I had nevertheless hopes that, by preaching 
 up redemption by grace, pre-ordination, and eternal pur- 
 pose, I should yet be enabled to benefit mankind in some 
 country, and rise to high distinction. 
 
 These were some of the thoughts by which I consoled 
 myself as I posted on my w^ay southward, avoiding the 
 towns and villages, and falling into the cross ways that 
 led from each of the great roads passing east and west, 
 to another. I lodged the first night in the house of a 
 country weaver, into which I stepped at a late hour, 
 quite overcome with hunger and fatigue, having travelled 
 not less than thirty miles from my late home. The man 
 received me ungraciously, telling me of a gentleman's 
 house at no great distance, and of an inn a little farther 
 away; but I said I delighted more in the society of a man 
 like him, than that of any gentleman of the land, for my 
 concerns were with the poor of this world, it being easier 
 for a camel to go through the eye' of a needle than for a 
 rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven. The 
 weaver's wife, who sat with a child on her knee, and had 
 
2 20 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 not hitherto opened her mouth, hearmg me speak in that 
 serious and religious style, stirred up the fire, with her 
 one hand; then drawing a chair near it, she said, * Come 
 awa, honest lad, in by here, sin' it be sae that you belong 
 to Him wha gies us a' that we hae, it is but right that 
 you should share a part. You are a stranger, it is true, 
 but them that winna entertain a stranger will never 
 entertain an angel unawares.' 
 
 I never was apt to be taken with the simplicity of 
 nature; in general I despised it; but, owing to my 
 circumstances at the time, I was deeply affected by the 
 manner of this poor woman's welcome. The weaver 
 continued in a churlish mood throughout the evening, 
 apparently dissatisfied with what his wife had done in 
 entertaining me, and spoke to her in a manner so crusty 
 that I thought proper to rebuke him, for the woman was 
 comely in her person and virtuous in her conversation ; but 
 the weaver her husband was large of make, ill-favoured, 
 and pestilent; therefore did I take him severely to task, 
 for the tenor of his conduct; but the man was froward, 
 and answered me rudely, with sneering and derision, and, 
 in the height of his caprice, he said to his wife, 'Whan 
 focks are sae keen of a chance o' entertaining angels, 
 gudewife, it wad maybe be worth their while to tak tent 
 what kind o' angels they are. It wadna wonder me 
 vera muckle an ye had entertained your friend the deil 
 the night, for aw thought aw fand a saur o' reek an' brim- 
 stane about him. Hc^s nane o' the best o' angels, and 
 focks winna hae muckle credit by entertaining him.' 
 
 Certainly, in the assured state I was in, I had as little 
 reason to be alarmed at mention being made of the devil 
 as any person on earth : of late, however, I felt that the 
 reverse was the case, and that any allusion to my great 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 
 
 2 2 1 
 
 enemy, moved me exceedingly. The weaver's speech 
 had such an effect on me, that both he and his wife were 
 alarmed at my looks. The latter thought I was angry, 
 and chided her husband gently for his rudeness; but the 
 weaver himself rather seemed to be confirmed in his 
 opinion that I was the devil, for he looked round like 
 a startled roebuck, and immediately betook him to the 
 family Bible. 
 
 I know not whether it was on purpose to prove my 
 identity or not, but I think he was going to desire me 
 either to read a certain portion of Scripture that he had 
 sought out, or to make family worship, had not the 
 conversation at that instant taken another turn; for the 
 weaver, not knowing how to address me, abruptly asked 
 my name, as he was about to put the Bible into my hands. 
 Never having considered myself in the light of a male- 
 factor, but rather as a champion in the cause of truth^ 
 and finding myself perfectly safe under my disguise, I had 
 never once thought of the utility of changing my name, 
 and when the man asked me, I hesitated ; but being 
 compelled to say something, I said my name was Cowan. 
 The man stared at me, and then at his wife, with a look 
 that spoke a knowledge of something alarming or 
 mysterious. 
 
 ' Ha ! Cowan ? ' said he. ' That's most extrordinar ! 
 Not Colwan, I hope ? ' 
 
 ' No : Cowan is my sirname,' said I. ' But why not 
 Colwan, there being so little difference in the sound ? ' 
 
 ' I was feared ye might be that waratch that the deil 
 has taen the possession o', an' eggit him on to kill baith 
 his father an' his mother, his only brother, an' his sweet- 
 heart/ said he ; ' an' to say the truth, I'm no that sure 
 about you yet, for I see you're gaun wi' arms on ye.' 
 
222 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 'Not I, honest man,' said I; *I carry no arms; a man 
 conscious of his innocence and uprightness of heart, needs 
 not to carry arms in his defence now.' 
 
 'Ay, ay, maister,' said he; 'an' pray what div ye ca' 
 this bit windlestrae that's appearing here ? ' With that 
 he pointed to something on the inside of the breast of 
 my frock-coat. I looked at it, and there certainly was 
 the gilded haft of a poniard, the same weapon I had seen 
 and handled before, and which I knew my illustrious 
 companion always carried about with him; but till that 
 moment I knew not that I was in possession of it. I 
 drew it out : a more dangerous or insidious looking 
 weapon could not be conceived. The weaver and his 
 wife were both frightened, the latter in particular; and 
 she being my friend, and I dependent on their hospi- 
 tality, for that night, I said, ' I declare I knew not that I 
 carried this small rapier, which has been in my coat by 
 chance, and not by any design of mine. But lest you 
 should think that I meditate any mischief to any under 
 this roof, I give it into your hands, requesting of you to 
 lock it by till to-morrow, or when I shall next want it.' 
 
 The woman seemed rather glad to get hold of it ; and 
 taking it from me, she went into a kind of pantry out of 
 my sight, and locked the weapon up ; and then the 
 discourse went on. 
 
 ' There cannot be such a thing in reality,' said I, ' as 
 the story you were mentioning just now, of a man whose 
 name resembles mine.' 
 
 ' It's likely that you ken a wee better about the story 
 than I do, maister,' said he, 'suppose you do leave the 
 L out of your name. An' yet I think sic a waratch, an' 
 a murderer, wad hae taen a name wi' some gritter dif- 
 ference in the sound. But the story is just that true, 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 223 
 
 that there were tvva o' the Queen's officers here nae mair 
 than an hour ago, in pursuit o' the vagabond, for they gat 
 some intelligence that he had fled this gate ; yet they 
 said he had been last seen wi' black claes on, an' they 
 supposed he was clad in black. His ane servant is wi^ 
 them for the purpose o' kennin the scoundrel, an' they're 
 galloping through the country like madmen. I hope 
 in God they'll get him and rack his neck for him ! ' 
 
 I could not say Aiiteii to the weaver's prayer, and 
 therefore tried to compose myself as well as I could, and 
 made some religious comment on the causes of the 
 nation's depravity. But suspecting that my potent 
 friend had betrayed my flight and disguise, to save his 
 life, I was very uneasy, and gave myself up for lost. I 
 said prayers in the family, with the tenor of which the 
 wife was delighted, but the weaver still dissatisfied ; and, 
 after a supper of the most homely fare, he tried to start 
 an argument with me, proving, that every thing for which 
 I had interceded in my prayer, was irrelevent to man's 
 present state. But I being wear}^ and distressed in mind, 
 shunned the contest, and requested a couch whereon to 
 repose. 
 
 I was conducted into the other end of the house, 
 among looms, treadles, pirns, and confusion without end ; 
 and there, in a sort of box, w^as I shut up for my night's 
 repose, for the weaver, as he left me, cautiously turned 
 the key of my apartment, and left me to shift for myself 
 among the looms, determined that I should escape from 
 the house with nothing. After he and his wife and 
 children were crowded into their den, I heard the two 
 mates contending furiously about me in suppressed voices, 
 the one maintaining the probability that I was the 
 murderer, and the other proving the impossibility of it. 
 
2 24 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 The husband, however, said as much as let me under- 
 stand, that he had locked me up on purpose to bring the 
 military, or officers of justice, to seize me. I was in the 
 utmost perplexity, yet, for all that, and the imminent 
 danger I was in, I fell asleep, and a more troubled and 
 tormenting sleep never enchained a mortal frame. I had 
 such dreams that they will not bear repetition, and early 
 in the morning I awaked, feverish, and parched with 
 thirst. 
 
 I went to call mine host, that he might let me out to 
 the open air, but before doing so, I thought it necessary 
 to put on some clothes. In attempting to do this, a 
 circumstance arrested my attention (for which I could in 
 no wise account, which to this day I cannot unriddle, nor 
 shall I ever be able to comprehend it while I live), the 
 frock and turban, which had furnished my disguise on 
 the preceding day, were both removed, and my own 
 black coat and cocked hat laid down in their place. At 
 first I thought I was in a dream, and felt the weaver's 
 beam, web, and treadle-strings with my hands, to con- 
 vince myself that I was awake. I was certainly awake ; 
 and there was the door locked firm and fast as it was the 
 evening before. I carried my own black coat to the 
 small window, and examined it. It was my own in 
 verity ; and the sums of money, that I had concealed 
 in case of any emergency, remained untouched. I 
 trembled with astonishment ; and on my return from 
 the small window, went doiting in amongst the weaver's 
 looms, till I entangled myself, and could not get out 
 again without working great deray amongst the coarse 
 linen threads that stood in warp from one end of the 
 apartment unto the other. I had no knife whereby to 
 cut the cords of this wicked man, and therefore was 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 225 
 
 obliged to call out lustily for assistance. The weaver 
 came half naked, unlocked the door, and, setting in his 
 head and long neck, accosted me thus : 
 
 ' What now, Mr Satan ? What for are ye roaring 
 that gate ? Are you faun inna little hell, instead o' the 
 big muckle ane ? Deil be in your reistit trams ! What 
 for have ye abscondit yourseP into ma leddy's wab for ? ' 
 
 'Friend, I beg your pardon,' said I; 'I wanted to be 
 at the light, and have somehow unfortunately involved 
 myself in the intricacies of your web, from which I 
 cannot get clear without doing you a great injury. Pray, 
 do lend your experienced hand to extricate me.' 
 
 'May aw the perils o' damnation light on your silly 
 snout, an I dinna estricat ye Aveel enough ! Ye ditit, 
 donnart, deil's burd that ye be ! w^hat made ye gang 
 howkin in there to be a poor man's ruin ? Come out, 
 ye vile rag-of-o-muffin, or I gar ye come out wi' mair 
 shame and disgrace, an' fewer haill banes in your body.' 
 
 My feet had slipped down through the double warp- 
 ings of a web, and not being able to reach the ground 
 with them (there being a small pit below), I rode upon a 
 number of yielding threads, and, there being nothing else 
 that I could reach, to extricate myself was impossible. I 
 was utterly powerless : and besides, the yarn and cords 
 hurt me very much. For all that, the destructive weaver 
 seized a loomspoke, and began a-beating me most un- 
 mercifully, while, entangled as I was, I could do nothing 
 but shout aloud for mercy, or assistance, whichever 
 chanced to be within hearing. The latter at length 
 made its appearance, in the form of the weaver's wife, in 
 the same state of deshabille with himself, who instantl}- 
 interfered, and that most sternuously, on my behalf. 
 Before her arrival, however, I had made a desperate 
 
 P 
 
2 26 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 effort to throw myself out of the entanglement I was in; 
 for the weaver continued repeating his blows and cursing 
 me so, that I determined to get out of his meshes at any 
 risk. This effort made my case worse; for my feet being 
 wrapt among the nether threads, as I threw myself from 
 my saddle on the upper ones, my feet brought the others 
 up through these, and I hung with my head down, and 
 my feet as firm as if they had been in a vice. The pre- 
 dicament of the web being thereby increased, the 
 weaver's wrath was doubled in proportion, and he laid on 
 without mercy. 
 
 At this critical juncture the wife arrived, and without 
 hesitation rushed before her offended lord, withholding 
 his hand from injuring me farther, although then it was 
 uplifted along with the loomspoke in overbearing ire. 
 ' Dear Johnny ! I think ye be gaen dementit this morn- 
 ing. Be quiet, my dear, an' dinna begin a Boddel Brigg 
 business in your ain house. What for ir ye persecutin' 
 a servant o' the Lord's that gate, an' pitting the life out 
 o' him wi' his head down an' his heels up ? ' 
 
 ' Had you said a servant o' the deil's, Nans, ye wad hae 
 been nearer the nail, for gin he binna the auld ane 
 himsel' he's gayan sib till him. There, didna I lock him 
 in on purpose to bring the military on him ; an' in place 
 o' that, hasna he keepit me in a sleep a' this while as 
 deep as death ? An' here do I find him abscondit like a 
 speeder i' the mids o' my leddy's wab, an' me dreamin' a' 
 the night that I had the deil i' my house, an' that he was 
 clapper-clawin me ayont the loom. Have at you, ye 
 brunstane thief ! ' and, in spite of the good woman's 
 struggles, he lent me another severe blow. 
 
 ' Now, Johnny Dods, my man ! O, Johnny Dods, think 
 if that be like a Christian, and ane o' the heroes o' Boddel 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 227. 
 
 Brigg, to entertain a stranger, an* then bind him in a web 
 wi' his head down, an' mell him to death ! O Johnny 
 Dods, think what you are about ! Slack a pin, an' let 
 the good honest religious lad out.' 
 
 The weaver was rather overcome, but still stood to his 
 point that I was the deil, though in better temper; and 
 as he slackened the web to release me, he remarked half 
 laughing, ' Wha wad hae thought that John Dods should 
 hae escapit a' the snares an' dangers that circumfauldit 
 him, an' at last should hae weaved a net to catch the 
 deil' 
 
 The wife released me soon, and carefully whispered me, 
 at the same time, that it would be as well for me to dress 
 and be going. I was not long in obeying, and dressed 
 myself in my black clothes, hardly knowing what I did, 
 what to think, or whither to betake myself. I was sore 
 hurt by the blows of the desperate ruffian; and, what 
 w^as worse, my ankle was so much strained, that I could 
 hardly set my foot to the ground. I was obliged to 
 apply to the weaver once more, to see if I could learn 
 anything about my clothes, or how the change was 
 effected. * Sir,' said I, ' how comes it that you have 
 robbed me of my clothes, and put these down in their 
 place over night ? ' 
 
 ' Ha ! thae claes ? Me pit down thae claes ! ' said he, 
 gaping with astonishment, and touching the clothes with 
 the point of his fore-finger; ' I never saw them afore, as I 
 have death to meet wi ; so help me God ? ' 
 
 He strode into the work-house where I slept, to satisfy 
 himself that my clothes were not there, and returned per- 
 fectly aghast with consternation. ' The doors were baith 
 fast lockit,' said he. * I could hae defied a rat either to 
 hae gotten out or in. My dream has been true ! My 
 
2 28 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 dream has been true ! The Lord judge between thee 
 and me; but, in His name, I charge you to depart out o' 
 this house; an', gin it be your will, dinna tak the braid- 
 side o't w'ye, but gang quietly out at the door wi' your 
 face foremost. Wife, let nought o' this enchanter's 
 remain i' the house, to be a curse an' a snare to us; gang 
 an' bring him his gildit weapon, and may the Lord pro- 
 tect a' his ain against its hellish and deadly point ? ' 
 
 The wife went to seek my poniard, trembling so 
 excessively that she could hardly walk, and shortly after, 
 we heard a feeble scream from the pantry. The weapon 
 had disappeared with the clothes, though under double 
 lock and key ; and the terror of the good people having 
 now reached a disgusting extremity, I thought proper to 
 make a sudden retreat, followed by the weaver's ana- 
 themas. 
 
 My state both of body and mind was now truly 
 deplorable. I was hungry, wounded, and lame ; an 
 outcast and a vagabond in society ; my life sought after 
 with avidity, and all for doing that to which I was pre- 
 destined by Him who foreordains whatever comes to pass. 
 I knew not whither to betake me. I had proposed going 
 into England, and there making some use of the classical 
 education I had received, but my lameness rendered this 
 impracticable for the present. I was therefore obliged 
 to turn my face towards Edinburgh, where I was little 
 known — where concealment was more practicable than 
 by skulking in the country, and where I might turn my 
 mind to something that was great and good. I had a 
 little money, both Scots and English, now in my pos- 
 session, but not one friend in the whole world on whom I 
 could rely. One devoted friend, it is true, I had, but he 
 was become my greatest terror. To escape from him, I 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 229 
 
 now felt that I would willingly travel to the farthest 
 corners of the world, and be subjected to every depriva- 
 tion ; but after the certainty of what had taken place 
 last night, after I had travelled thirty miles by secret 
 and bye- ways, I saw not how escape from him was 
 possible. 
 
 Miserable, forlorn, and dreading every person that I 
 saw, either behind or before me, I hasted on towards 
 Edinburgh, taking all the bye and unfrequented paths; 
 and the third night after I left the weaver's house, I 
 reached the West Port, without meeting with anything 
 remarkable. Being exceedingly fatigued and lame, I 
 took lodgings in the first house I entered, and for these 
 I was to pay two groats a-week, and to board and 
 sleep with a young man who wanted a companion to 
 make his rent easier. I liked this; having found from 
 experience, that the great personage who had attached 
 himself to me, and was now become my greatest terror 
 among many surrounding evils, generally haunted me 
 when I was alone, keeping aloof from all other society. 
 
 My fellow lodger came home in the evening, and was 
 glad at my coming. His name was Linton, and I 
 changed mine to Elliot. He was a flippant unstable 
 being, one to whom nothing appeared a difficulty, in his 
 own estimation, but who could effect very little, after all. 
 He was what is called by some a compositor, in the 
 Queen's printing house, then conducted by a Mr James 
 Watson. In the course of our conversation that night, 
 I told him that I was a first-rate classical scholar, and 
 would gladly turn my attention to some business where- 
 in my education might avail me something ; and that 
 there was nothing would delight me so much as an en- 
 gagement in the Queen's printing office. Linton made 
 
230 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 no difficulty in bringing about that arrangement. His 
 answer was, ' Oo, gud sir, you are the very man we 
 want. Gud bless your breast and your buttons, sir ! 
 Ay, that's neither here nor there — That's all very well 
 — Ha-ha-ha — A byeword in the house, sir. But, as I 
 was saying, you are the very man we want — You will 
 get any money you like to ask, sir — Any money you 
 like, sir. God bless your buttons ? — That's settled — All 
 done— Settled, settled— I'll do it, I'll do it— No more 
 about it ; no more about it. Settled, settled.' 
 
 The next day I went with him to the office, and he 
 presented me to Mr Watson as the most wonderful 
 genius and scholar ever known. His recommendation 
 had little sway with Mr Watson, who only smiled at 
 Linton's extravagances, as one does at the prattle of an 
 infant. I sauntered about the printing office for the 
 space of two or three hours, during which time Watson 
 bustled about with green spectacles on his nose, and 
 took no heed of me. But seeing that I still lingered, 
 he addressed me at length, in a civil gentlemanly way, 
 and inquired concerning my views. I satisfied him with 
 all my answers, in particular those to his questions about 
 the Latin and Greek languages ; but when he came to 
 ask testimonials of my character and acquirements, and 
 found that I could produce none, he viewed me with a 
 jealous eye, and said he dreaded I was some ne'er-do-weel, 
 run from my parents or guardians, and he did not choose to 
 employ any such. I said my parents were both dead ; 
 and that being thereby deprived of the means of 
 following out my education it behoved me to apply to some 
 business in which my education might be of some use to 
 me. He said he would take me into the office, and pay 
 me according to the business I performed, and the manner 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 231 
 
 in which I deported myself ; but he could take no man 
 into her Majesty's printing office upon a regular engage- 
 ment, who could not produce the most respectable 
 references with regard to morals. 
 
 I could not but despise the man in my heart who laid 
 such a stress upon morals, leaving grace out of the 
 question ; and viewed it as a deplorable instance of 
 human depravity and self-conceit ; but for all that, I 
 was obliged to accept of his terms, for I had an inward 
 thirst and longing to distinguish myself in the great 
 cause of religion, and I thought if once I could print my 
 own works, how I would astonish mankind, and confound 
 their self-wisdom and their esteemed morality, blow up 
 the idea of any dependence on good works, and morality^ 
 forsooth ? And I weened that I might thus get me a 
 name even higher than if I had been made a general of 
 the Czar Peter's troops against the infidels. 
 
 I attended the office some hours every day, but got 
 not much encouragement, though I was eager to learn 
 everything, and could soon have set types considerably 
 well. It was here that I first conceived the idea of 
 writing this journal, and having it printed, and applied 
 to Mr Watson to print it for me, telling him it was a 
 religious parable such as the Pilgrim's Progress. He 
 advised me to print it close, and make it a pamphlet, 
 and then if it did not sell it would not cost me much; but 
 that religious pamphlets, especially if they had a shade 
 of allegory in them, were the very rage of the day. I 
 put my work to the press, and wrote early and late ; and 
 encouraging my companion to work at odd hours, and 
 on Sundays. Before the press-work of the second sheet 
 was begun, we had the work all in types, corrected, and a 
 clean copy thrown off for farther revisal. The first sheet 
 
232 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 was wrought off ; and I never shall forget how my heart 
 exulted when at the printing house this day, I saw what 
 numbers of my works were to go abroad among mankind, 
 and I determined with myself that I would not put the 
 Border name of Elliot, which I had assumed, to the work. 
 
 Thus far hav^e my History and Confessions been carried. 
 I must now furnish my Christian readers with a key 
 to the process, management, and winding up of the 
 whole matter; which I propose, by the assistance of God 
 to limit to a very few pages. 
 
 Chester s^ July 27, 1712. — My hopes and prospects are 
 a wreck. My precious journal is lost ! consigned to the 
 flames ! My enemy hath found me out, and there is no 
 hope of peace or rest for me on this side the grave. 
 
 In the beginning of the last week, my fellow lodger 
 came home, running in a great panic, and told me a story 
 of the devil having appeared twice in the printing house, 
 assisting the workmen at the printing of my book, and 
 that some of them had been frightened out of their wits. 
 That the story was told to Mr Watson, who till that time 
 had never paid any attention to the treatise, but who, 
 out of curiosity, began and read a part of it, and there- 
 upon flew into a great rage, called my work a medley of 
 lies and blasphemy, and ordered the whole to be con- 
 signed to the flames, blaming his foreman, and all 
 connected with the press, for letting a work go so far, 
 that was enough to bring down the vengeance of heaven 
 on the concern. 
 
 If ever I shed tears through perfect bitterness of spirit 
 it was at that time, but I hope it was more for the 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 233 
 
 ignorance and folly of my countrymen than the over- 
 throw of my own hopes. But my attention was suddenly 
 aroused to other matters, by Linton mentioning that it 
 was said by some in the office the devil had inquired 
 for me. 
 
 ' Surely you are not such a fool,' said I, ' as to believe 
 that the devil really was in the printing office? ' 
 
 ' Oo, gud bless you, sir ! saw him myself, gave him a 
 nod, and good-day. Rather a gentlemanly personage — 
 Green Circassian hunting coat and turban — Like a 
 foreigner. — Has the power of vanishing in one moment 
 though. — Rather a suspicious circumstance that. Other- 
 wise, his appearance not much against him.' 
 
 If the former intelligence thrilled me with grief, this 
 did so with terror. I perceived who the personage was 
 that had visited the printing house in order to further 
 the progress of my work ; and at the approach of every 
 person to our lodgings, I from that instant trembled in 
 every bone, lest it should be my elevated and dreaded 
 friend. I could not say I had ever received an office 
 at his hand that was not friendly, yet these offices had 
 been of a strange tendency ; and the horror with which 
 I now regarded him was unaccountable to myself. It 
 was beyond description, conception, or the soul of man 
 to bear. I took my printed sheets, the only copy of my 
 unfinished work existing ; and, on pretence of going 
 straight to Mr Watson's office, decamped from my 
 lodgings at Portsburgh a little before the fall of the 
 evening, and took the road towards England. 
 
 As soon as I got clear of the city, I ran with a velocity 
 I knew not before I had been capable of. I flew out the 
 way towards Dalkeith so swiftly, that I often lost sight of 
 the ground, and I said to myself, ' O that I had the wings 
 
234 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 of a dove, that 1 might fly to the farthest corners of the 
 earth, to hide me from those against whom I have no 
 power to stand ! ' 
 
 I travelled all that night and the next morning, ex- 
 erting m3^self beyond my power ; and about noon the 
 following day I went into a yeoman's house, the name of 
 which was Ellanshaws, and requested of the people a 
 couch of any sort to lie down on, for I was ill, and could 
 not proceed on my journey. They showed me to a 
 stable-loft where there were two beds, on one of which I 
 laid me down ; and, falling into a sound sleep, I did not 
 awake till the evening, when other three men came from 
 the fields to sleep in the same place, one of whom lay 
 down beside me, at which I was exceedingly glad. They 
 fell all sound asleep, and I was terribly alarmed at a con- 
 versation I overheard somewhere outside the stable. I 
 could not make out a sentence, but trembled to think I 
 knew one of the voices at least, and rather than not be 
 mistaken, I would that any man had run me through 
 with a sword. I fell into a cold sweat, and once thought 
 of instantly putting hand to my own life, as my only 
 means of relief, (May the rash and sinful thought be in 
 mercy forgiven ! ) when I heard as it were two persons at 
 the door contending, as I thought, about their right and 
 interest in me. That the one was forcibly preventing 
 the admission of the other, I could hear distinctly, and 
 their language was mixed with something dreadful and 
 mysterious. In an agony of terror, I awakened my snor- 
 ing companion with great difficulty, and asked him, in a 
 low whisper, who these were at the door ? The man lay 
 silent, and listening, till fairly awake, and then asked if I 
 had heard anything ? I said I had heard strange voices 
 contending at the door. 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 235 
 
 * Then I can tell you, lad, it has been something neither 
 good nor canny,' said he : ' it's no for naething that our 
 horses are snorking that gate.' 
 
 For the first time, I remarked that the animals were 
 snorting and rearing as if they wished to break through 
 the house. The man called to them by their names, and 
 ordered them to be quiet ; but they raged still the more 
 furiously. He then roused his drowsy companions, who 
 were alike alarmed at the panic of the horses, all of them 
 declaring that they had never seen either Mause or Jolly 
 start in their lives before. My bed-fellow and another 
 then ventured down the ladder, and I heard one of them 
 saying, ' Lord be wi' us ! What can be i' the house ? 
 The sweat's rinning off the poor beasts like water.' 
 
 They agreed to sally out together, and if possible to 
 reach the kitchen and bring a light. I was glad at this, 
 but not so much so when I heard the one man saying to 
 the other, in a whisper, ' I wish that stranger man may be 
 canny enough.' 
 
 * Gude kens ! ' said the other : ' It doesnae look unco 
 week' 
 
 The lad in the other bed, hearing this, set up his head 
 in manifest affright as the other tw^o departed for the 
 kitchen ; and, I believe, he would have been glad to have 
 been in their company. This lad was next the ladder, at 
 which I was extremely glad, for had he not been there, 
 the world should not have induced me to wait the return 
 of these two men. They were not well gone, before I 
 heard another distinctly enter the stable, and come 
 towards the ladder. The lad who was sitting up in his 
 bed, intent on the watch, called out, ' Wha's that there ? 
 Walker, is that you ? Purdie, I say, is it you ? ' 
 
 The darkling intruder paused for a few moments, and 
 
236 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 then came towards the foot of the ladder. The horses 
 broke loose, and snorting and neighing for terror, raged 
 through the house. In all my life I never heard so 
 frightful a commotion. The being that occasioned it all, 
 now began to mount the ladder towards our loft, on 
 which the lad in the bed next the ladder sprung from his 
 couch crying out, ' The Lord Almighty preserve us ! what 
 can it be ? ' With that he sped across the loft, and by 
 my bed, praying lustily all the way ; and throwing him- 
 self from the other end of the loft into a manger, he 
 darted, naked as he was, through among the furious 
 horses, and making for the door, that stood open, in a 
 moment he vanished and left me in the lurch. Powerless 
 with terror, and calling out fearfully I tried to follow his 
 example ; but not knowing the situation of the places 
 with regard to one another, I missed the manger, and 
 fell on the pavement in one of the stalls. I was both 
 stunned and lamed on the knee ; but terror prevailing, 
 I got up and tried to escape. It was out of my power; 
 for there were divisions and cross divisions in the house, 
 and mad horses smashing everything before them, so that 
 I knew not so much as on what side of the house the door 
 was. Two or three times was I knocked down by 
 the animals, but all the while I never stinted crying out 
 with all my power. At length, I was seized by the throat 
 and hair of the head, and dragged away, I wist not 
 whither. My voice was now laid, and all my powers, 
 both mental and bodily, totalty overcome ; and I re- 
 member no more till I found myself lying naked on the 
 kitchen table of the farm house, and something like a 
 horse's rug thrown over me. The only hint that I got 
 from the people of the house on coming to myself was, 
 that my absence would be good company; and that they 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 2;? 
 
 had got me in a woful state, one which they did not 
 choose to describe, or hear described. 
 
 As soon as dayhght appeared, I was packed about my 
 business, with the hisses and execrations, of the yeoman's 
 family, who viewed me as a being to be shunned, ascrib- 
 ing to me the visitations of that unholy night. Again 
 was I on my way southward, as lonely, hopeless, and 
 degraded a being as was to be found on life's weary round. 
 As I limped out the way, I wept, thinking of what I 
 might have been, and what I really had become ; of my 
 high and flourishing hopes, when I set out as the avenger 
 of God on the sinful children of men ; of all that I had 
 dared for the exaltation and progress of the truth ; and it 
 was with great difficulty that my faith remained un- 
 shaken, yet w^as I preserved from that sin, and comforted 
 myself with the certainty, that the believer's progress 
 through life is one of warfare and suffering. 
 
 My case was indeed a pitiable one. I was lame, 
 hungry, fatigued, and my resources on the very eve of 
 being exhausted. Yet these were but secondary miseries, 
 and hardly worthy of a thought, compared with those I 
 suffered inwardly. I not only looked around me with 
 terror at every one that approached, but I was become a 
 terror to myself ; or rather, my body and soul were 
 become terrors to each other ; and, had it been possible, 
 I felt as if they would have gone to war. I dared not 
 look at my face in a glass, for I shuddered at my own 
 image and likeness. I dreaded the dawning and trembled 
 at the approach of night, nor was there one thing in 
 nature that afforded me the least delight. 
 
 In this deplorable state of body and mind, was I jogging 
 on towards the Tweed, by the side of the small river 
 called Elian ; when, just at the narrowest part of the 
 
238 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 glen, whom should I meet full in the face, but the very 
 being in all the universe of God I would the most gladly 
 have shunned. L had no power to fly from him, neither 
 durst I, for the spirit within me, accuse him of falsehood, 
 and renounce his fellowship. I stood before him like a 
 condemned criminal, staring him in the face, ready to be 
 winded, twisted, and tormented as he pleased. He re- 
 garded me with a sad and solemn look. How changed 
 was now that majestic countenance, to one of haggard 
 despair — changed in all save the extraordinary likeness to 
 my late brother, a resemblance which misfortune and 
 despair tended only to heighten. There were no kind 
 greetings passed between us at meeting, like those which 
 pass between the men of the world ; he looked on me 
 with eyes that froze the currents of my blood, but spoke 
 not, till I assumed as much courage as to articulate — 
 ' You here ! I hope you have brought me tidings of 
 comfort ? ' 
 
 ' Tidings of despair ! ' said he. ' But such tidings as the 
 timid and the ungrateful deserve, and have reason to 
 expect. You are an outlaw, and a vagabond in your 
 country, and a high reward is offered for your apprehen- 
 sion. The enraged populace have burnt your house, and 
 all that is within it ; and the farmers on the land bless 
 themselves at being rid of you. So fare it with everyone, 
 who puts his hand to the great work of man's restoration 
 to freedom and draweth back, contemning the light that 
 is within him ! Your enormities caused me to leave 
 you to yourself for a season, and you see what the issue 
 has been. You have given some evil ones power over 
 you, who longed to devour you, both soul and body, and 
 it has required all my power and influence to save you. 
 Had it not been for my hand, you had been torn in 
 
C onfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 239 
 
 pieces last night ; but for once I prevailed. We must 
 leave this land forthwith, for here there is neither peace, 
 safety, nor comfort for us. Do you now and here pledge 
 yourself to one who has so often saved your life and has 
 put his own at stake to do so ? Do you pledge yourself 
 that you will henceforth be guided by my counsel and 
 follow me whithersoever I choose to lead.' 
 
 ' I have always been swayed by your counsels,' said I 
 ' and for your sake, principally, am I sorry that all our 
 measures have proved abortive. But I hope still to be 
 useful in my native isle, therefore let me plead that your 
 highness will abandon a poor despised and outcast wretch 
 to his fate, and betake you to your realms, where your 
 presence cannot but be greatly wanted.' 
 
 ' Would that I could do so ! ' said he, wofuUy. * But 
 to talk of that is to talk of an impossibility. I am wedded 
 to you so closely that I feel as if I were the same person. 
 Our essences are one, our bodies and spirits being united, 
 so that I am drawn towards you as by magnetism, and 
 wherever you are, there must my presence be with you.' 
 
 Perceiving how this assurance affected me, he began 
 to chide to me most bitterly for my ingratitude ; and 
 then he assumed such looks, that it was impossible for 
 me longer to bear them ; therefore, I staggered out the 
 way, begging and beseeching of him to give me up to 
 my fate, and hardty knowing what I said ; for it struck 
 me, that with all his assumed appearance of misery and 
 wretchedness there were traits of exultation in his 
 hideous countenance, manifesting a secret and inward 
 joy at my utter despair. 
 
 It was long before I durst look over my shoulder, but 
 when I did so, I perceived this ruined and debased 
 potentate coming slowly on the same path, and I prayed 
 
240 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 that the Lord would hide me in the bowels of the earth, 
 or depths of the sea. When I crossed the Tweed, I per- 
 ceived him still a little behind me ; and my despair 
 being then at its height, I cursed the time I first met with 
 such a tormentor ; though, on a little recollection it 
 occurred that it was at that blessed time when I was 
 solemnly dedicated to the Lord, and assured of my final 
 election and confirmation by an eternal decree never to 
 be annulled. This being my sole and only comfort, I 
 recalled my curse upon the time and repented me of my 
 rashness. 
 
 After crossing the Tweed, I saw no more of my 
 persecutor that day, and had hopes that he had left 
 me for a season ; but, alas, what hope was there of my 
 relief after the declaration I had so lately heard ! I took 
 up my lodgings that night in a small miserable inn, in 
 the village of Ancrum, of which the people seemed alike 
 poor and ignorant. Before going to bed, I asked if it 
 was customary with them to have family worship of 
 evenings ? The man answered, that they were so hard 
 set with the world, they often could not get time, but if 
 I would be so kind as oflBciate they would be much 
 obliged to me. I accepted the invitation, being afraid 
 to go to rest lest the commotions of the foregoing night 
 might be renewed, and continued the worship as long as 
 in decency I could. The poor people thanked me, 
 hoped my prayers would be heard both on their account 
 and my own, seemed much taken with my abilities, and 
 wondered how a man of my powerful eloquence chanced 
 to be wandering about in a condition so forlorn. I said I 
 was a poor student of theology, on my way to Oxford. 
 They stared at one another with expressions of wonder, 
 disappointment, and fear. I afterwards came to learn 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 241 
 
 that the term Theology was by them quite misunderstood, 
 and that they had some crude conceptions that nothing 
 was taught at Oxford but the black arts^ which ridiculous 
 idea prevailed over all the South of Scotland. For the 
 present I could not understand what the people meant, 
 and less so when the man asked me, with deep concern, 
 if I was serious in my intentions of going to Oxford. 
 He hoped not, and that I would be better guided. 
 
 I said my education wanted finishing ; — but he re- 
 marked, that the Oxford arts were a bad finish for a 
 religious man's education. — Finally, I requested him to 
 sleep with me, or in my room all the night, as I wanted 
 some serious and religious conversation with him, and 
 likewise to convince him that the study of the fine arts, 
 though not absolutely necessary, were not incompatible 
 with the character of a Christian divine. He shook his 
 head and wondered how I could call them fine arts — 
 hoped I did not mean to convince him by any ocular 
 demonstration, and at length reluctantly condescended to 
 sleep with me, and let the lass and wife sleep together for 
 one night. I believe he would have declined it, had it 
 not been some hints from his wife, stating, that it was a 
 good arrangement, by which I understood there were 
 only two beds in the house, and that when I was pre- 
 ferred to the lass's bed, she had one to shift for. 
 
 The landlord and I accordingly retired to our homely 
 bed, and conversed for some time about indifferent 
 matters, till he fell sound asleep. Not so with me. I had 
 that within which would not suffer me to close my eyes : 
 and about the dead of night, I again heard the same 
 noises and contention begin outside the house, as I had 
 heard the night before ; and again I heard it was about 
 a sovereign and peculiar right in me. At one time the 
 
 Q 
 
242 The Private Memoirs am 
 
 noise was on the top of the house, straight above our 
 bed, as if the one party were breaking through the roof, 
 and the other forcibly preventing it ; at another time it 
 was at the door, and at a third time at the window ; but 
 still mine host lay sound by my side, and did not waken. 
 I was seized with terrors indefinable, and prayed 
 fervently, but did not attempt rousing my sleeping com- 
 panion until I saw if no better could be done. The 
 women, however, were alarmed, and, rushing into our 
 apartment, exclaimed that devils in hell were besieging 
 the house. Then, indeed, the landlord awoke, and it 
 was time for him, for the tumult had increased to such a 
 degree, that it shook the house to its foundations, being 
 louder and more furious than I could have conceived the 
 heat of battle to be when the volleys of artillery are 
 mixed with groans, shouts, and blasphem-ous cursing. 
 It thundered and lightened : and there were screams, 
 groans, laughter, and execrations, all intermingled. 
 
 I lay trembling and bathed in a cold perspiration, but 
 was soon obliged to bestir myself, the inmates attacking 
 me one after the other. 
 
 ' O, Tam Douglas ! Tam Douglas ! haste ye an' rise 
 out fra-yont that incarnal devil ! ' cried the wife. ' Ye 
 are in ayont the auld ane himsel, for our lass Tibbie saw 
 his cloven cloots last night.' 
 
 ' Lord forbid ! ' roared Tam Douglas, and darted over 
 the bed like a flying fish. Then hearing the unearthly 
 tumult with which he was surrounded, he returned to 
 the side of the bed, and addressed me thus, with long 
 and fearful intervals : — 
 
 ' If ye be the deil, rise up, an' depart in peace out o' 
 this house, — afore the bedstrae take kindling about ye, 
 an' than it'll maybe be the waur for ye. — Get up — an' 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 243 
 
 gang awa out amang your cronies, like a good — lad — 
 There's nae body here wishes you ony ill— D'ye hear me ? ' 
 
 ' Friend,' said I, ' no Christian would turn out a fellow- 
 creature on such a night as this, and in the midst of such 
 a commotion of the villagers.' 
 
 ' Na, if ye be a mortal man,' said he, ' which I rather 
 think, from the use you made of the holy book — Nane 
 o' your practical jokes on strangers an' honest folks. 
 These are some o' your Oxford tricks, an' I'll thank you 
 to be ower wi' them. — Gracious heavens, they are brikkin 
 through the house at a' the four corners at the same 
 time ! ' 
 
 The lass Tibbie, seeing the innkeeper was not going to 
 prevail with me to rise, flew towards the bed in despera- 
 tion, and seizing me by the waist, soon landed me on the 
 floor, saying : ' Be ye deil, be ye chiel, ye's no lie there 
 till baith the house an' us be swallowed up ! ' 
 
 Her master and mistress applauding the deed, I was 
 obliged to attempt dressing myself, a task to which my 
 powers were quite inadequate in the state I was in, but 
 I was readily assisted by every one of the three ; and 
 as soon as they got my clothes thrust on in a loose way, 
 they shut their eyes, lest they should see what might 
 drive them distracted, and thrust me out to the street, 
 cursing me, and calling on the fiends to take their prey 
 and begone. 
 
 The scene that ensued is neither to be described, nor 
 believed, if it were. I was momently surrounded by a 
 number of hideous fiends, who gnashed on me with their 
 teeth, and clenched their crimson paws in my face ; and 
 at the same instant I was seized by the collar of my coat 
 behind, by my dreaded and devoted friend, who pushed 
 me on, and with his gilded rapier waving and brandishing 
 
244 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 around me, defended me against all their united attacks. 
 Horrible as my assailants were in appearance (and they 
 had all monstrous shapes), I felt that I would rather have 
 fallen into their hands, than be thus led away captive by 
 my defender at his will and pleasure, without having the 
 right or power to say my life, or any part of my will was 
 my own. I could not even thank him for his potent 
 guardianship, but hung down my head, and moved on 
 I knew not whither, like a criminal led to the execution, 
 and still the infernal combat continued, till about the 
 dawning, at which time I looked up, and all the fiends 
 were expelled but one, who kept at a distance ; and still 
 my persecutor and defender pushed me by the neck 
 before him. 
 
 At length he desired me to sit down and take some 
 rest, with which I complied, for I had great need of it, 
 and wanted the power to withstand what he desired. 
 There, for a whole morning did he detain me, tormenting 
 me with reflections on the past, and pointing out the 
 horrors of the future, until a thousand times I wished 
 myself non-existent. 'I have attached myself to your 
 wayward fortune,' said he ; ' and it has been my ruin as 
 well as thine. Ungrateful as you are, I cannot give you 
 up to be devoured ; but this is a life that it is impossible 
 to brook longer. Since our hopes are blasted in this 
 world, and all our schemes of grandeur overthrown ; and 
 since our everlasting destiny is settled by a decree which 
 no act of ours can invalidate, let us fall by our own hands, 
 or by the hands of each other ; die like heroes ; and, 
 throwing off this frame of dross and corruption, mingle 
 with the pure ethereal essence of existence, from which 
 we derived our being.' 
 
 I shuddered at a view of the dreadful alternative, yet 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 245 
 
 was obliged to confess that, in my present circumstances, 
 existence was not to be borne. It was in vain that I 
 reasoned on the sinfulness of the deed, and on its damn- 
 ing nature ; he made me condemn myself out of my own 
 mouth, by allowing the absolute nature of justifying grace, 
 and the impossibility of the elect ever falling from the 
 faith, or the glorious end to which they were called ; and 
 he said, this granted, self-destruction was the act of a hero, 
 and none but a coward would shrink from it, to suffer a 
 hundred times more every day and night that passed over 
 his head. 
 
 I said I was still contented to be that coward ; and all 
 that I begged of him was, to leave me to my fortune for 
 a season, and to the just judgment of my Creator ; but he 
 said his word and honour were engaged on my behoof, 
 and these, in such a case, were not to be violated. 'If 
 you will not pity yourself, have pity on me,' added he ; 
 ' turn your eyes on me, and behold to what I am 
 reduced.' 
 
 Involuntarily did I turn round at the request, and 
 caught a lialf glance of his features. May no eye destined 
 to reflect the beauties of the New Jerusalem inward upon 
 the beatific soul, behold such a sight as mine then beheld ! 
 My immortal spirit, blood, and bones were all withered at 
 the blasting sight ; and I arose and withdrew, with groan- 
 ings which the pangs of death shall never wring from me. 
 
 Not daring to look behind me, I crept on my way, and 
 that night reached this hamlet on the Scottish border ; 
 and being grown reckless of danger, and hardened to 
 scenes of horror, I took up my lodgings with a poor hind, 
 who is a widower, and who could only accommodate me 
 with a bed of rushes at his fireside. At midnight I heard 
 some strange sounds, too much resembling those to which 
 
246 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 I had of late been inured ; but they kept at a distance, 
 and I was soon persuaded that there was a power pro- 
 tected that house superior to those that contended for, or 
 had the mastery over me. Overjoyed at finding such an 
 asylum, I remained in the humble cot. This is the third 
 day I have lived under the roof, freed of my hellish 
 assailants, spending my time in prayer, and writing out 
 this my journal, which I have fashioned to stick in with • 
 my printed work, and to which I intend to add portions 
 while I remain in this pilgrimage state which, I find too 
 well, cannot be long. 
 
 August 3, 1 7 12. — This morning the hind has brought 
 me word from Redesdale, whither he had been for coals, 
 that a stranger gentleman had been traversing that 
 country, making the most earnest inquiries after me, or 
 one of the same appearance ; and from the description 
 that he brought of this stranger, I could easily perceive 
 who it was. Rejoicing that my tormentor has lost traces 
 of me for once, I am making hast e to leave my asylum, 
 on pretence of following this stranger, but in reality to 
 conceal myself still more completely from his search. 
 Perhaps this may be the last sentence ever I am destined 
 to write. If so, farewell Christian reader ! May God 
 grant to thee a happier destiny than has been allotted to 
 me here on earth, and the same assurance of acceptance 
 above! Amen. 
 
 Ault-Righ^ August 24, 1712. — Here am I, set down on 
 the open moor to add one sentence more to my woful 
 journal ; and then, farewell all beneath the sun ! 
 
 On leaving the hind's cottage on the Border, I hasted 
 to the north-west, because in that quarter I perceived the 
 highest and wildest hills before me. As I crossed the 
 mountains above Hawick, I exchanged clothes with a 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 247 
 
 poor homely shepherd, whom I found lying on a hillside, 
 singing to himself some woful love ditty. He was glad 
 of the change, and proud of his saintly apparel ; and I 
 was no less delighted with mine, by which I now supposed 
 myself completely disguised; and I found moreover that in 
 this garb of a common shepherd I was made welcome in 
 every house. I slept the first night in a farm-house nigh 
 to the church of Roberton, without hearing or seeing 
 aught extraordinary; yet I observed next morning that 
 all the servants kept aloof from me, and regarded me 
 with looks of aversion. The next night I came to this 
 house, where the farmer engaged me as a shepherd ; and 
 finding him a kind, worthy, and religious man, I accepted 
 of his terms with great gladness. I had not, however, 
 gone many times to the sheep, before all the rest of the 
 shepherds told my master that I knew nothing about 
 herding, and begged of him to dismiss me. He perceived 
 too well the truth of their intelligence; but being much 
 taken with my learning, and religious conversation, he 
 would not put me away, but set me to herd his cattle. 
 
 It was lucky for me, that before I came here, a report 
 had prevailed, perhaps for an age, that this farm-house 
 was haunted at certain seasons by a ghost. I say it was 
 lucky for me, for I had not been in it many days before 
 the same appalling noises began to prevail around me 
 about midnight, often continuing till near the dawning. 
 Still, they kept aloof, and without-doors ; for this gentle- 
 man's house, like the cottage I was in formerly, seemed 
 to be a sanctuary from all demoniacal power. He 
 appears to be a good man and a just, and mocks at the 
 idea of supernatural agency, and he either does not hear 
 these persecuting spirits, or will not acknowledge it, 
 though of late he appears much perturbed. 
 
248 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 The consternation of the menials has been extreme. 
 They ascribe all to the ghosts, and tell frightful stories of 
 murders having been committed there long ago. Of late, 
 however, they are beginning to suspect that it is I that 
 am haunted ; and as I have never given them any satis- 
 factory account of myself, they are whispering that I am 
 a murderer, and haunted by the spirits of those I have 
 slain. 
 
 Augtcst 30. — This day I have been informed, that I am 
 to be banished the dwelling-house by night, and to sleep 
 in an out-house by myself, to try if the family can get any 
 rest when freed of my presence. I have peremptorily 
 refused acquiescence, on which my master's brother 
 struck me, and kicked me with his foot. My body being 
 quite exhausted by suffering, I am grown weak and 
 feeble both in mind and bodily frame, and actually unable 
 to resent any insult or injury. I am the child of earthly 
 misery and despair, if ever there was one existent. My 
 master is still my friend ; but there are so many masters 
 here, and every one of them alike harsh to me, that I 
 wish myself in my grave every hour of the day. If I am 
 driven from the family sanctuary by night, I know I shall 
 be torn in pieces before morning ; and then who will 
 deign or dare to gather up my mangled limbs, and give 
 them honoured burial. 
 
 My last hour is arrived. I see my tormentor once 
 more approaching me in this wild. Oh, that the earth 
 would swallow me up, or the hill fall and cover me ! 
 Farewell for ever ! 
 
 September 7, 171 2. — My devoted, princely, but san- 
 guine friend, has been with me again and again. My 
 time is expired, and I find a relief beyond measure, for 
 he has fully convinced me that no act of mine can mar the 
 

Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 249 
 
 eternal counsel, or in the smallest degree alter or extenu- 
 ate one event which was decreed before the foundations 
 of the world were laid. He said he had watched over 
 me with the greatest anxiety, but perceiving my rooted 
 aversion towards him he had forborne troubling me with 
 his presence. But now, seeing that I was certainly to 
 be driven from my sanctuary that night, and that there 
 would be a number of infernals watching to make a prey 
 of my body, he came to caution me not to despair, for 
 that he would protect me at all risks, if the power 
 remained with him. He then repeated an ejaculatory 
 prayer, which I was to pronounce, if in great extremity. 
 I objected to the words as equivocal, and susceptible of 
 being rendered in a meaning perfectly dreadful ; but he 
 reasoned against this, and all reasoning with him is to no 
 purpose. He said he did not ask me to repeat the words 
 unless greatly straitened ; and that I saw his strength 
 and power giving way, and when perhaps nothing else 
 could save me. 
 
 The dreaded hour of night arrived ; and as he said, I 
 was expelled from the family residence, and ordered to a 
 byre or cow-house, that stood parallel with the dwelling- 
 house behind, where on a divot loft, my humble bedstead 
 stood, and the cattle grunted and puffed below me. 
 How unlike the splendid halls of Dalcastle ? And to what 
 I am now reduced, let the reflecting reader judge. Lord, 
 thou knowest all that I have done for thy cause on earth ! 
 Why then art thou laying thy hand so sore upon me ? 
 Why hast thou set me as a butt of thy malice ? But 
 thy will must be done; thou wilt repay me in a better 
 world. Amen. 
 
 September 8. — My first night of trial in this place is 
 overpast ! Would that it were the last that I should 
 
250 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 ever see in this detested world 1 If the horrors of hell 
 are equal to those I have suffered, eternity will be of 
 short duration there, for no created energy can support 
 them for one single month, or week. I have been 
 buffeted as never living creature was. My vitals have 
 all been torn, and every faculty and feeling of my soul 
 racked, and tormented into callous insensibility. I was 
 even hung by the locks over a yawning chasm, to which 
 I could perceive no bottom, and then — not till then, 
 did I repeat the tremendous prayer ! — T was instantly 
 at liberty ; and what I now am the Almighty knows ! 
 Ame7t. 
 
 September 18, 171 2. — Still am I living, though liker 
 to a vision than a human being ; but this is my last day 
 of mortal existence. Unable to resist any longer, I 
 pledged myself to my devoted friend, that on this day 
 we should die together, and trust to the charity of the 
 children of men for a grave. I am solemnly pledged ; 
 and though I dared to repent, I am aware he will not be 
 gainsaid, for he is raging with despair at his fallen and 
 decayed majesty, and there is some miserable comfort in 
 the idea that my tormentor shall fall with me. 
 
 Farewell, world, with all thy miseries ; for comforts or 
 enjoyments hast thou none ! Farewell, woman, whom I 
 have despised and shunned ; and man, whom I have 
 hated, whom, nevertheless, I desire to leave in charity ! 
 And thou, sun, bright emblem of a far bright effulgence, 
 I bid farewell to thee also ! I do not now take my last 
 look of thee, for to thy glorious orb shall a poor suicide's 
 last earthly look be raised. But, ah ! who is yon that 
 I see approaching furiously — his stern face blackened with 
 horrid despair ! My hour is at hand. — Almighty God, 
 what is this that I am about to do ! The hour of repent- 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 251 
 
 ance is past, and now m}- fate is inevitable. — Amen for 
 ever \ I will now seal up my little book and cc)nccal it ; 
 ^ and cursed be he who trieth to alter or amend ! 
 
 END OF THE MEMOIR. 
 
 What can this work be ? Sure, you will say, it must be 
 an allegory; or (as the writer calls it) a religious parable, 
 showing the dreadful danger of self-righteousness? I 
 cannot tell. Attend to the sequel; which is a thing so 
 extraordinary, so unprecedented, and so far out of the 
 common course of human events, that if there were not 
 hundreds of living witnesses to attest the truth of it, I 
 would not bid any rational being believe it. 
 
 In the first place take the following extract from an 
 authentic letter, published in BlackivoocVs Magazine^ 
 for August^ 1823. 
 
 ' On the top of a wild height called Cowan's croft where 
 the lands of three proprietors meet all at one point, there 
 has been for long and many years the grave of a suicide 
 marked out by a stone standing at the head, and another 
 at the feet. Often have I stood musing over it myself, 
 when a shepherd on one of the farms, of which it formed 
 the extreme boundary, and thinking what could induce 
 a young man, who had scarcely reached the prime of 
 life, to brave his Maker, and rush into his presence by an 
 act of his own erring hand, and one so unnatural and 
 preposterous. But it never once occurred to me, as an 
 object of curiosity, to dig up the mouldering bones of the 
 culprit, which I considered as the most revolting of all 
 objects. The thing was, however, done last month, and 
 
252 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 a discovery made of one of the greatest natural pheno- 
 mena that I have heard of in this country. 
 
 ' The Uttle traditionary history that remains of this 
 unfortunate youth, is altogether a singular one. He was 
 not a native of the place, nor would he ever tell from 
 what place he came ; but he was remarkable for a deep, 
 thoughtful, and sullen disposition. There was nothing 
 against his character that anybody knew of here, and he 
 had been a considerable time in the place. The last 
 service he was in was with a Mr Anderson of Eltrive 
 (Ault-Righ, the Kzng^s burn)^ who died about an hundred 
 years ago, and who had hired him during the summer 
 to herd a stock of young cattle in Eltrive Hope. It 
 happened one day in the month of September, that 
 James Anderson, his master's son, went with this young 
 man to the Hope to divert himself. The herd had his 
 dinner along with him, and about one o'clock, when the 
 boy proposed going home, the former pressed him very 
 hard to stay and take share of his dinner ; but the boy 
 refused, for fear his parents might be alarmed about him 
 and said he would go home ; on which the herd said to 
 him, ' Then, if ye winna stay with me, James, ye may 
 depend on't I'll cut my throat afore ye come back again.' 
 
 'I have heard it likewise reported, but only by one 
 person, that there had been some things stolen out of 
 his master's house a good while before, and that the boy 
 had discovered a silver knife and fork, that was a part of 
 the stolen property, in the herd's possession that day, 
 and that it was this discovery that drove him to despair. 
 
 * The boy did not return to the Hope that afternoon ; 
 and, before evening, a man coming in at the pass called 
 The Hart Loiip^ with a drove of lambs, on the way for 
 Edinburgh, perceived something like a man standing in 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 253 
 
 a strange frightful position at the side of one of Eldiii- 
 hope hay-ricks. The driver's attention was riveted on 
 this strange uncouth figure, and as the drove road passed 
 at no great distance from the spot, he first called, but 
 receiving no answer, he went up to the spot, and behold 
 it was the above-mentioned young man, who had hung 
 himself in the hay rope that was tying down the rick. 
 
 * This was accounted a great wonder, and every one 
 said, if the devil had not assisted him it was impossible 
 the thing could have been done ; for in general, these 
 ropes are so brittle, being made of green hay, that they 
 will scarcely bear to be bound over the rick. And the 
 more to horrify the good people of this neighbourhood, 
 the driver said, when he first came in view, he could 
 almost give his oath that he saw two people busily en- 
 gaged at the hay-rick, going round it and round it, and 
 he thought they were dressing it. 
 
 ' If this asseveration approximated at all to truth, it 
 makes this evident at least, that the unfortunate young 
 man had hanged himself after the man with the lambs 
 came in view, he was, however, quite dead when he cut him 
 down. He had fastened two of the old hay-ropes at the 
 bottom of the rick on one side, (indeed they are all 
 fastened so when first laid on), so that he had nothing 
 to do but to loosen two of the ends on the other side. 
 These he had tied in a knot round his neck, and then 
 slackening his knees, and letting himself down gradually, 
 till the hay-rope bore all his weight, he had contrived to 
 put an end to his existence in that way. Now the fact 
 is, that if you try all the ropes that are thrown over all 
 the outfield hay-ricks in Scotland, there is not one among 
 a thousand of them will hang a colley dog ; so that the 
 
2 54 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 manner of this wretch's death was rather a singular 
 circumstance. 
 
 ' Early next morning, Mr Anderson's servants went 
 reluctantly away, and taking an old blanket with them 
 for a winding-sheet, they rolled up the body of the 
 deceased, first in his own plaid, letting the hay-rope still 
 remain about his neck, and then rolling the old blanket 
 over all, they bore the loathed remains away to the 
 distance of three miles or so, on spokes, to the top of 
 Cowan's Croft, at the very point where the Duke of 
 Buccleuch's land, the Laird of Drummelzier's, and Lord 
 Napier's meet, and there they buried him, with all that 
 he had on and about him, silver knife and fork and all to- 
 gether. Thus far went tradition, and no one ever dis- 
 puted one jot of the disgusting oral tale. 
 
 ' A nephew of that Mr Anderson's who was with the 
 hapless youth that day he died, says, that, as far as he can 
 gather from the relations of friends that he remembers, 
 and of that same uncle in particular, it is one hundred 
 and five years next month (that is September, 1823), 
 since that event happened ; and I think it likely that 
 this gentleman's information is correct. But sundry 
 other people, much older than he, whom I have consulted, 
 pretend that it is six or seven years more. They say 
 they have heard that Mr James Anderson was then a boy 
 ten years of age ; that he lived to an old age, upwards of 
 fourscore, and it is two-and-forty years since he died. 
 Whichever way it may be, it was about that period some 
 way, of that there is no doubt.' .... 
 
 'It so happened, that two young men, William Shiel 
 and W. Sword, were out, on an adjoining height, this 
 summer, casting peats, and it came into their heads 
 to open this grave in the wilderness, and see if there 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 
 
 -:):> 
 
 were any of the bones of the suicide of former ages and 
 centuries remaining. They did so, but opened only one 
 half of the grave, beginning at the head and about the 
 middle at the same time. It was not long till they came 
 upon the old blanket — I think they said not much more 
 than a foot from the surface. They tore that open, and 
 there was the hay-rope lying stretched down alongst his 
 breast, so fresh that they saw at first sight that it was 
 made of risp, a sort of long sword-grass that grows about 
 marshes and the sides of lakes. One of the young men 
 seized the rope and pulled by it, but the old enchantment 
 of the devil remained — it would not break ; and so he 
 pulled and pulled at it, till behold the body came up into 
 a sitting posture, with a broad blue bonnet on its head, 
 and its plaid around it, all as fresh as that day it was laid 
 in ! I never heard of a preservation so wonderful, if it be 
 true as was related to me, for still I have not had the 
 curiosity to go and view the body myself. The features 
 were all so plain, that an acquaintance might easily have 
 known him. One of the lads gripped the face of the 
 corpse with his finger and thumb, and the cheeks felt 
 quite soft and fleshy, but the dimples remained and did 
 not spring out again. He had fine yellow hair, about 
 nine inches long : but not a hair of it could they pull 
 out till they cut part of it off with a knife. They also 
 cut off some portions of his clothes, which were all quite 
 fresh, and distributed them among their acquaintances, 
 sending a portion to me, among the rest, to keep as 
 natural curiosities. Several gentlemen have in a manner 
 forced me to give them fragments of these enchanted 
 garments ; I have, however, retained a small portion for 
 you, which I send along with this, being a piece of his 
 plaid, and another of his waistcoat breast, which you will 
 
256 The Private Memoirs 
 
 see are still as fresh as that day they were laid in the 
 grave. 
 
 ' His broad blue bonnet was sent to Edinburgh several 
 weeks ago, to the great regret of some gentlemen con- 
 nected with the land, who wished to have it for a keep- 
 sake. For my part, fond as I am of blue bonnets, and 
 broad ones in particular, I declare I durst not have worn 
 that one. There was nothing of the silver knife and fork 
 discovered, that I heard of, nor was it very likely it 
 should : but it would appear he had been very near run 
 of cash, which I daresay had been the cause of his utter 
 despair ; for, on searching his pockets, nothing was found 
 but three old Scots halfpennies. These young men 
 meeting with another shepherd afterwards, his curiosity 
 was so much excited that they went and digged up the 
 curious remains a second time, which was a pity, as it is 
 likely that by these exposures to the air, and from the 
 impossibility of burying it up again as closely as it was 
 before, the flesh will now fall to dust.' 
 
 The letter from which the above is an extract, is signed 
 James Hogg, and dated from Altrive Lake, August ist, 
 1823, bears the stamp of authenticity in every line ; yet, 
 so often had I been hoaxed by the ingenious fancies dis- 
 played in that Magazine, that when this relation met my 
 eye, I did not believe it ; but from the moment that I 
 perused it, I half formed the resolution of investigating 
 these wonderful remains personally, if any such existed ; 
 for, in the immediate vicinity of the scene, as I supposed, 
 T knew of more attractive metal than the dilapidated 
 remains of mouldering suicides. 
 
 Accordingly, having some business in Edinburgh in 
 September last, and being obliged to wait a few days for 
 
^'onfesslons of a Justified Sinner. 257 
 
 the arrival of a friend from London, I took that oppop 
 tunity to pay a visit to my townsman and fellow collegiar^ 
 
 Mr L 1 of C d, advocate. I mentioned to him 
 
 Hogg's letter, asking him if the statement was founded at 
 all on truth. His answer was, ' I suppose so. For my 
 part, I never doubted the thing, having been told that 
 there had been a deal of talking about it up in the Forest 
 for some time past. But, God knows ! Hogg has imposed 
 as ingenious lies on the public ere now.' 
 
 * I said, if it was within reach, I should like exceedingly 
 to visit this Scots mummy so ingeniously described. Mr 
 
 L 1 assented at the first proposal, saying he had no 
 
 objections to take a ride that length with me, and make 
 the felluw produce his credentials : that we would have a 
 delightful jaunt through a romantic and now classical 
 country, and some good sport into the bargain, provided 
 he could procure a horse for me, from his father-in-law 
 
 next day. He sent up to a Mr L w to inquire, who 
 
 returned for answer, that there was an excellent pony at 
 my service, and that he himself would accompany us, 
 being obliged to attend a great sheep fair at Thirlestane, 
 and that he was certain the shepherd would be there 
 
 likewise. Mr L 1 said it was the very man we wanted 
 
 to make our party complete. 
 
 And at an early hour next morning we started for the 
 ewe fair of Thirlestane, taking Blackwood'' s Magazine for 
 August along with us. We rode through the ancient 
 royal burgh of Selkirk — halted and corned our horses 
 at a romantic village, nigh to some deep linns on the 
 Ettrick, and reached the market grourfd at Thirlestane- 
 green a little before mid-day. We soon found Hogg 
 standing near the foot of the market, as he called it, 
 beside a great drove of paidics^ a species of stock that 
 
 R 
 
25S The Private Memoirs and] 
 
 I never heard of before. They were small sheep, striped 
 
 on the backs with red chalk. Mr L 1 introduced me 
 
 to him as a great wool-stapler, come to raise the price of 
 that article : but he eyed me with distrust, and turning 
 his back on us, answered ' I hae sell'd mine.' 
 
 I followed, and shewing him the above quoted letter, 
 said I was exceedingly curious to have a look of these 
 singular remains he had so ingeniously described ; but he 
 only answered me with the remark, that ' It was a queer 
 fancy for a woo'-stapler to tak.' 
 
 His two friends then requested him to accompany us to 
 the spot, and to take some of his shepherds with us to 
 assist in raising the body ; but he spurned at the idea, 
 saying, ' Od bless ye lad ! I hae ither matters to mind. 
 I hae a' thae paulies to sell, an' a' yon highland stotts 
 down on the green every ane ; an' then I hae ten score 
 o' yowes to buy after, an' if I canna first sell my ain stock, 
 I canna buy nae ither body's. I hae mair ado than I can 
 manage the day, foreby ganging to houk up hunder-year- 
 auld banes.' 
 
 Finding that we could make nothing of him, we left 
 him with his paulies^ highland stotts, grey jacket, and 
 broad blue bonnet, to go in search of some other guide. 
 
 L w soon found one, for he seemed acquainted with 
 
 every person in the fair. We got a fine old shepherd, 
 
 named W m B e, a great original, and a very 
 
 obliging and civil man, who asked no conditions but that 
 we should not speak of it, because he did not wish it to 
 come to his master's ears, that he had been engaged in 
 sic a profane thing. We promised strict secrecy ; and, 
 
 accompanied by another farmer, Mr S 1, and old 
 
 B e, we proceeded to the grave, which B e de- 
 scribed as about a mile and a half distant from the 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 259 
 
 market ground. We went into a shepherd's cot to get 
 a drink of milk, when I read to our guide Mr Hogg's 
 description, asking him if he thought it correct ? He said 
 there was hardly a bit o't correct, for the grave was not 
 on the hill of Cowan's Croft, nor yet on the point where 
 three lairds' lands met, but on the top of a hill called the 
 Faw Law, where there was no land that was not the Duke 
 of Buccleuch's within a quarter of a mile. He added that 
 it was a wonder how the poet could be mistaken there, 
 who once herded the very ground where the grave is, 
 
 and saw both hills from his own window. Mr L w 
 
 testified great surprise at such a singular blunder, as also 
 how the body came itot to be buried at the meeting of 
 three or four lairds' lands, which had always been 
 customary in the south of Scotland. Our guide said he 
 had always heard it reported, that the Eltrive men, with 
 Mr David Anderson at their head, had risen before day 
 on the Monday morning, it having been on the Sabbath 
 day that the man put down himself ; and that they set 
 out with the intention of burying him on Cowan's Croft, 
 where three marches met at a point. But it having been 
 an invariable rule to bury such lost sinners before the 
 rising of the sun, these five men were overtaken by day- 
 light, as they passed the house of Berry-Knowe ; and by 
 the time they reached the top of the Faw Law, the sun 
 was beginning to skair the east. On this they laid down 
 the body, and digged a deep grave with all expedition ; 
 but when they had done, it was too short, and the body 
 being stiff, it would not go down, on which Mr David 
 Anderson looking to the east, and perceiving that the 
 sun would be upon them in a few minutes, set his foot 
 on the suicide's brow, and tramped down his head into 
 the grave with his iron heeled shoe, until his nose and 
 
I 
 
 260 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 skull crashed again, and at the same time uttered a 
 terrible curse on the wretch who had disgraced the family, 
 and given them all this trouble. This anecdote, our 
 guide said he had heard when a boy, from the mouth of 
 Robert Laidlaw, one of the five men who buried the body. 
 
 We soon reached the spot, and I confess I felt a 
 singular sensation, when I saw the grey stone standing at 
 the head, and another at the feet, and the one half of the 
 grave manifestly new digged, and closed up again as had 
 been described. I could still scarcely deem the thing to 
 be a reality, for the ground did not appear to be wet, but 
 a kind of dry rotten moss. On looking around, we found 
 some fragments of clothes, some teeth, and part of a 
 pocket-book, which had not been returned into the grave, 
 when the body had been last raised, for it had been 
 twice raised before this, but only from the loins upward. 
 
 To work we fell with two spades, and soon cleared away 
 the whole of the covering. The part of the grave that 
 had been opened before, was filled with mossy mortar, 
 which impeded us exceedingly, and entirely prevented a 
 proper investigation of the fore parts of the body. I will 
 describe every thing as I saw it, before four respectable 
 witnesses, whose names I shall publish at large if per- 
 mitted. A number of the bones came up separately; for 
 with the constant flow of liquid stuff into the deep grave, 
 we could not see to preserve them in their places. At 
 length great loads of coarse clothes, blanketting, plaiding, 
 etc., appeared; we tried to lift these regularly up, and on 
 doing so, part of a skeleton came up, but no flesh, save 
 a little that was hanging in dark flitters about the spine, 
 but which had no consistence; it was merely the appear- 
 ance of flesh without the substance. The head was 
 wanting; and I being very anxious to possess the skull; 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 261 
 
 the search was renewed among the mortar and rags. 
 We first found a part of the scalp, with the long hair firm 
 on it; which on being cleaned, is neither black nor fair, 
 but of a darkish dusk, the most common of any other 
 colour. Soon afterwards we found the skull, but it was 
 not complete. A spade had damaged it, and one of the 
 temple quarters was wanting. I am no phrenologist, not 
 knowing one organ from another, but I thought the 
 skull of that wretched man no study. If it was particular 
 for anything, it was for a smooth, almost perfect ro- 
 tundity, with only a little protuberance above the vent of 
 the ear. 
 
 When we came to that part of the grave that liad 
 never been opened before, the appearance of everything 
 was quite different. There the remains lay under a close 
 vault of moss, and within a vacant space ; and I suppose 
 by the digging in the former part of the grave, that part 
 had been deepened, and drawn the moisture away from 
 this part, for here all was perfect. The breeches still 
 suited the thigh, the stocking the leg, and the garters 
 were wrapt as neatly and as firm below the knee as if 
 they had been newly tied. The shoes were all opened 
 in the seams, the hemp having decayed, but the soles, 
 upper leather, and wooden heels, which were made of 
 birch, were all as fresh as any of those we wore. There 
 was one thing I could not help remarking, that in the 
 inside of one of the shoes there was a layer of cow's dung, 
 about one eighth of an inch thick, and in the hollow of 
 the sole fully one fourth of an inch. It was firm, green and 
 fresh ; and proved that he had been working in a byre. 
 His clothes were all of a singular ancient cut and no 
 less singular in their texture. Their durability certainly 
 would have been prodigious : for in thickness, coarseness, 
 
262 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 and strength, I never saw any cloth in the smallest 
 degree to equal them. His coat was a frock coat, of a 
 yellowish drab colour, with wide sleeves. It is tweeled, 
 milled, and thicker than a carpet. I cut off two of the 
 skirts and brought them with me. His vest was of 
 striped serge, such as I have often seen worn by country 
 people. It was lined and backed with white stuff. The 
 breeches were a sort of striped plaiding, which I never 
 saw worn, but which our guide assured us was very 
 common in the country once, though, from the old 
 clothes which he had seen remaining of it, he judged 
 that it could not be less than two hundred years since 
 it was in fashion. His garters were of worsted, and 
 striped with black or blue ; his stockings grey, and 
 wanting the feet. I brought samples of all along with 
 me. I had likewise now got possession of the bonnet, 
 which puzzles me most of all. It is not conformable 
 with the rest of the dress. It is neither a broad bonnet, 
 nor a Border bonnet ; for there is an open behind, for 
 tying, which no genuine Border bonnet, I am told, ever 
 had. It seems to have been a Highland bonnet, worn in 
 a flat way like a scone on the crown, such as is sometimes 
 still seen in the west of Scotland. All the limbs, from the 
 loins to the toes, seemed perfect and entire, but they 
 could not bear handling. Before we got them returned 
 again into the grave, they were all shaken to pieces, 
 except the thighs, which continued to retain a kind of 
 flabby form. 
 
 All his clothes that were sewed with linen yarn were 
 lying in separate portions, the thread having rotted ; 
 but such as were sewed with worsted remained perfectly 
 firm and sound. Among such a confusion, we had hard 
 work to find out all his pockets, and our guide supposed, 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 263 
 
 that, after all, we did not find above the half of them. In 
 his vest pocket was a long clasp knife, very sharp ; the 
 haft was thin, and the scales shone as if there had been 
 silver inside. Mr Sc — t took it with him, and presented 
 
 it to his neighbour, Mr R n of W — n L — e, who still 
 
 has it in his possession. We found a comb, a gimblet, a 
 vial, a small neat square board, a pair of plated knee- 
 buckles, and several samples of cloth of different kinds, 
 rolled neatly up within one another. At length, while 
 
 we were busy on the search, Mr L 1 picked up a 
 
 leathern case, which seemed to have been wrapped round 
 and round by some ribbon, or cord, that had been rotten 
 from it, for the swaddling marks still remained. Both 
 
 L w and B e called out that *it was the tobacco 
 
 spleuchan, and a well-filled ane too,' but on opening it 
 out, we found, to our great astonishment, that it contained 
 a printed pamphlet. We were all curious to see what 
 sort of a pamphlet such a person would read ; what it 
 could contain that he seemed to have had such a care 
 about ? for the slough in which it was rolled, was fine 
 "chamois leather ; what colour it had been, could not be 
 known. But the pamphlet was wrapped so close to- 
 gether, and so damp, rotten, and yellow, that it seemed 
 one solid piece. We all concluded, from some words that 
 we could make out, that it was a religious tract, but that 
 it would be impossible to make anything of it. Mr 
 
 L w remarked that it was a great pity if a few 
 
 sentences could not be made out, for that it was a 
 question what might be contained in that little book ; 
 
 and then he requested Mr L 1 to give it to me, as he 
 
 had so many things of literature and law to attend to, 
 that he would never think more of it. He replied that 
 either of us were heartily welcome to it ; for that he had 
 
264 The Private Memoirs and 
 
 thought of returning it into the grave, if he could have 
 
 made out but a Hne or two, to have seen what was its 
 
 tendency. 
 * Grave, man ! ' exclaimed L w, who speaks excellent 
 
 strong broad Scots : ' My truly, but ye grave weel ! 
 I wad esteem the contents o' that spleuchan as the most 
 precious treasure. I'll tell you what it is, sir : I hae often 
 wondered how it was that this man's corpse has been 
 miraculously preserved frae decay, a hunder times longer 
 than ony other body's, or than even a tanner's But now 
 I could wager a guinea, it has been for the preservation 
 o' that little book. And Lord kens what may be in't ! 
 It will maybe reveal some mystery that mankind disna 
 ken naething about yet.' 
 
 * If there be any mysteries in it,' returned the other 
 * it is not for your handling, my dear friend, who are too 
 much taken up about mysteries already.' And with 
 these words he presented the mysterious pamphlet to me. 
 With very little trouble, save that of a thorough drying, 
 I unrolled it all with ease, and found the very tract which 
 I have ventured to lay before the public, part of it in small 
 bad print, and the remainder in manuscript. The title 
 page is written, and is as follows : 
 
 The Private Memoirs 
 
 And Confessions 
 
 Of a Justified Sinner : 
 
 Written by Himself. 
 
 Fideli Certa Merces. 
 
 And, alongst the head, it is the same as given in the 
 present edition of the work. I altered the title to 
 A Self-justified Sinner^ but my booksellers did not 
 
Confessions of a Justified Sinner. 265 
 
 approve of it ; and there being a curse pronounced by 
 the writer on him that should dare to alter or amend, I 
 have let it stand as it is. Should it be thoujrht to attach 
 discredit to any received principle of our Church, I am 
 blameless. The printed part ends at page 251, and the 
 rest is in a fine old hand, extremely small and close. I 
 have ordered the printer to procure a fac-simile of it, to 
 be bound in with the volume. 
 
 With regard to the work itself, I dare not venture a 
 judgment, for I do not understand it. I believe no 
 person, man or woman, will ever peruse it with the 
 same attention that I have done, and yet I confess that 
 I do not comprehend the writer's drift. It is certainly 
 impossible that these scenes could ever have occurred, 
 that he describes as having himself transacted. I think 
 it may be possible that he had some hand in the death 
 of his brother, and yet I am disposed greatly to doubt it ; 
 and the numerous distorted traditions, etc., which remain 
 of that event, may be attributable to the work having been 
 printed and burnt, and of course the story known to all 
 the printers, with their families and gossips. That the 
 young Laird of Dalcastle came by a violent death, there 
 remains no doubt ; but that this wretch slew him, there is 
 to me a good deal. However, allowing this to have been 
 the case, I account all the rest either dreaming or mad- 
 ness ; or, as he says to Mr Watson, a religious parable, on 
 purpose to illustrate something scarcely tangible, but to 
 which he seems to have attached great weight. Were 
 the relation at all consistent with reason, it corresponds 
 so minutely with traditionary facts, that it could scarcely 
 have missed to have been received as authentic ; but in 
 this day, and with the present generation, it will not go 
 down, that a man should be daily tempted by the devil, 
 
266 Confessions of a Justified Sinne 
 
 in the semblance of a fellow-creature ; and at length 
 lured to self-destruction, in the hopes that this same 
 fiend and tormentor was to suffer and fall along with 
 him. It was a bold theme for an allegory, and would 
 have suited that age well had it been taken up by one 
 fully qualified for the task, which this writer was not. 
 In short, we must either conceive him not only the 
 greatest fool, but the greatest wretch, on whom was ever 
 stamped the form of humanity ; or, that he was a 
 religious maniac, who wrote and wrote about a deluded 
 creature, till he arrived at that height of madness, that 
 he believed himself the very object whom he had been 
 all along describing. And in order to escape from an 
 ideal tormentor, committed that act for which, according 
 to the tenets he embraced, there was no remission, and 
 which consigned his memory and his name to everlasting 
 detestation. 
 
 THE END 
 
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 Berkeley 
 
 I 
 
U.C. BERKELEY LIBRARIES 
 
 BQ03053S17