LIBRARY ^ UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAN DIEGO — J JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES THE HUNTING, SHOOTING, RACING, DRIVING, SAILING, EATING, ECCENTRIC AND EXTRAVAGANT EXPLOITS OF THAT RKNOVVNEn SPORTING CITIZEN, MR. JOHN JORROCKS OK ST. BOTOLPII LANE AND GREAT CORAM STREET r: s.^'surtees WITH FIFTEEN COLOURED ILLUSTRATIONS BY HENRY ALKEN A NEW EDITION NEW YORK D APPLETON & COMPANY 1903 NOTE 'T^HIS Issue is founded on the Edition published by R. Ackermann in the year 1843 ''S -^i -^ ^ CONTENTS Swell and the Surrey The YORKSHIREMAN AN' I) THE SURREY Surrey Shooting— Mk. Jorrocks in Trouble Mr. Jorrocks and the Surrey Stag-Hounds The Turf : Mr. Jorrocks at Newmarket Aquatics : Mr. Jorrocks at Margate The Road : English and French . Mr. Jorrocks in Paris Sporting in France .... Mr. Jorrocks's Dinner Party . PAGE I i8 42 63 So 106 136 170 195 216 LIST OF THE PLATES Mr. Jorrocks telegraphs the Fox . . . Frontispiece Illustrated Title-page The Appearance of Swell astonishes the Surrey Hunt To face p. 9 Mr. Jorrocks introduces the Yorkshireman to the Surrey ...... ,, 29 Squire Cheatham's Keeper attacks the Murderer of Old Tom 52 Mr. Jorrocks declares his inability to subscribe to the Surrey Stag-Hounds , . . ,, 70 The Baron " Vills his Wet" . . . . ,, 93 Mr. Jorrocks makes his Entree into the New- market Betting Ring .... », 97 <<0 Gentlemen! Gentlemen! here's a lament- able occurrence" ..... ,) 128 "Water I do declare— with worms in it" . ,, 166 Mr. Jorrocks renounces the acquaintance of the Yorkshireman ..... ,, 174 Mr. Jorrocks makes a Faux Pas . . . ,, 185 Mr. Jorrocks beats the Baron for Speed . . ,, 205 Mr. Jorrocks takes a ride at St. Cloud . . ,, 208 "Lift Me Up! Tie Me in my Chair! Fill my Glass" „ 240 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES SWELL AND THE SURREY WHAT true-bred city sportsman has not in his day put off the most urgent business — perhaps his marriage, or even the interment of his rib — that he might "brave the morn " with that renowned pack, the Surrey subscription fox-hounds? Lives there, we would ask, a thorough-bred, prime, bang-up, slap- dash, break-neck, out-and-out artist, within three miles of the Monument, who has not occasionally "gone a good un" with this celebrated pack? And shall we, the bard of Eastcheap, born all deeds of daring to record, shall we, who so oft have witnessed — nay, shared — the hardy exploits of our fellow cits, shall we sit still, and never cease the eternal twirl of our dexter around our sinister thumb, while other scribes hand down to future ages the paltry feats of beardless Meltonians, and try to shame old Father Thames himself with muddy Whissendine's foul stream ? Away ! thou vampire, Indolence, that suckest the marrow of imagination, and fattenest on the cream of idea ere yet it float on the milk of reflection. Hence ! slug-begotten hag, thy power is gone, — the murky veil thou'st drawn o'er memory's sweetest page is rent ! " Harp of Eastcheap, awake !" Our thoughts hark back to the coverside, and our heart o'erflows with recollections of the past, when I 2 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES life rode the pace through our veins, and the bark of the veriest mongrel, or the bray of the sorriest costermonger's sorriest "Jerusalem," were far more musical sounds than Paganini's pizzicatos or Catalini's clamorous caterwaulings. And thou, Goddess of the Silver Bow — chaste Diana — deign to become the leading star of our lucubrations ; come perch upon our grey goose-quill : shout in our ear the maddening Tally-ho ! and ever and anon give a salutary " refresher " to our memory with thy heaven-wrought spurs — those spurs old Vulcan forged when in his maddest mood — whilst we relate such feats of town-born youths and city squires, as shall "harrow up the souls" of milk-sop Melton's choicest sons, and "fright their grass-galloping garrons from their propriety." But gently, Pegasus ! Here again, boys, and "let's to business," as they say on 'Change. 'Twere almost needless to inform our readers, that such portion of a county as is hunted by any one pack of hounds is technically denominated their country ; and of all countries under the sun, that of the Surrey subscription fox-hounds undoubtedly bears the bell. This superiority arises from the peculiar nature of the soil — wretched starvation stuff most profusely studded with huge sharp flints, — the abund- ance of large woods, particularly on the Kent side, and the range of mountainous hills that run directly through the centre, which afford accommodation to the timid, and are unknown in most counties and unequalled in any. One of the most striking features in the aspect of this chosen region of fox-hunting, is the quiet, easy manner in which the sportsmen take the thing. On they go — now trotting gently over the flints — now softly ambling along the grassy ridge of some stupendous hill — now quietly following each other in long-drawn files, like geese, through some close and SWELL AND THE SURREY 3 deep ravine or interminable wood, which re-echoes to their never-ceasing holloas — every man shouting in proportion to the amount of his subscription, until day is made horrible with their yelling. There is no pushing, jostling, rushing, cramming, or riding over one another ; no jealousy, discord, or daring ; no ridiculous foolhardy feats ; but each man cranes and rides, and rides and cranes, in a style that would gladden the eyes of a director of an insurance office. The members of the Surrey are the people that combine business with pleasure, and even in the severest run can find time for sweet discourse, and talk about the price of stocks or stockings. " Yooi, wind him there, good dog, yooi, wind him." — "Cottons is fell."— "Hark to Cottager! Hark!" — "Take your bill at three months, or give you three- and-a-half discount for cash." — "Eu in there, eu in, Cheapside, good dog." — " Don't be in a hurry, sir, pray ! He may be in the empty casks behind the cooper's. Yooi, try for him, good bitch. Yooi, push him out." — "You're not going down that bank, sure/v, sir ? Why, it's almost perpendicular ! For God's sake, sir, take care — remember you are not insured. Ah ! you had better get off — here, let me hold your nag, and when you're down you can catch mine ; — thafs yo2ir sort, but mind he doesn't break the bridle. He won't run away, for he knows I've got some sliced carrots in my pocket to reward him if he does well. — Thank you, sir, and now for a leg up — there we are — that s your sort — I'll wait till you are up also, and we'll be off together," It is this union of the elegant courtesies and business of life with the energetic sports of the field, that constitutes the charm of Surrey hunting ; and who can wonder that smoked-dried cits, pent up all the week, should gladly fly from their shops to enjoy a day's sport on a Saturday? We must not, however, omit to express a hope that young men, who 4 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES have their way to make in the world, may not be led astray by its allurements. It is all very well for old- established shopkeepers " to do a bit of pleasure " occasionally, but the apprentice or journeyman, who understands his duties and the tricks of his trade, will never be found capering in the hunting field. He will feel that his proper place is behind the counter ; and while his master is away enjoying the pleasures of the chase, he can prig as much " pewter " from the till as will take both himself and his "woman" to Sadler's Wells Theatre, or any other place she may choose to appoint. But to return to the Surrey. The town of Croydon, nine miles from the standard in Cornhill, is the general rendezvous of the gallant sportsmen. _ It is the principal market town in the eastern division of the county of Surrey ; and the chaw-bacons who carry the produce of their acres to it, instead of to the neighbouring village of London, retain much of their pristine barbarity. The town furnishes an interest- ing scene on a hunting morning, particularly on a Saturday. At an early hour, groups of grinning cits may be seen pouring in from the London side, some on the top of Cloud's coaches, some in taxed carts, but the greater number mounted on good serviceable- looking nags, of the invaluable species, calculated for sport or business, "warranted free from vice, and quiet both to ride and in harness " ; some few there are, who, with that kindness and considerate attention which peculiarly mark this class of sportsmen, having tacked a buggy to their hunter, and given a seat to a friend, who, leaning over the back of the gig, his jocund phiz turned towards his fidus Achates, leads his own horse behind, listening to the discourse oi " his ancient," or regaling him " with sweet converse " ; and thus they onward jog, until the sign of the Greyhound, stretching quite across the main street, greets their expectant optics, and seems to forbid SWELL AND THE SURREY 5 their passing the open portal below. In they wend then, and having seen their horses "sorted," and the collar marks (as much as may be) carefully effaced by the shrewd application of a due quantity of grease and lamp black, speed into " mine host," and order a sound repast of the good things of this world ; the which to discuss, they presently apply themselves with a vigour that indicates as much a determination to recruit fatigue endured, as to lay in a stock against the effects of future exertion. Meanwhile the bustle increases ; sportsmen arrive by the score, fresh tables are laid out, covered with " no end " of vivers ; and towards the hour of nine may be heard to perfection that pleasing assemblage of sounds issuing from the masticatory organs of a number of men steadfastly and studiously employed in the delightful occupation of preparing their mouthfuls for deglutition. " O nodes cocticcqiie Dei7?n" saith friend Flaccus. Oh, hunting breakfasts ! say we. Where are now the jocund laugh, the repartee, the oft-repeated tale, the last debate? As our sporting contemporary, the Quarterly, said, when describing the noiseless pursuit of old Reynard by the Quorn : — " Reader, there is no crash now, and not much music." It is the tinker that makes a great noise over a little work, but, at the pace these men are eating, there is no time for babbling. So, gentle lector, there is now no leisure for bandying compliments, 'tis your small eater alone who chatters o'er his meals ; your true-born sportsman is ever a silent and, consequently, an assiduous grubber. True it is that occasionally space is found between mouth- fuls to vociferate "waiter !" in a tone that requires not repetition ; and most sonorously do the throats of the assembled eaters re-echo the sound ; but this is all — no useless exuberance of speech ; — no, the knife or fork is directed towards what is wanted, nor needs there any more expressive intimation of the applicant's wants. 6 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES At length the hour of ten approaches ; bills are paid, pocket-pistols filled, sandwiches stowed away, horses accoutred, and our bevy straddle forth into the town, to the infinite gratification of troops of dirty- nosed urchins, who, for the last hour, have been peeping in at the windows, impatiently watching for the exeunt of our worthies. — They mount, and away — trot, trot, — bump, bump, — trot, — bump, bump, — over Addington Heath, through the village and up the hill to Hayes Common, which having gained, spurs are applied, and any slight degree of pursiness that the good steeds may have acquired by standing at livery in Cripplegate, or elsewhere, is speedily pumped out of them by a smart brush over the turf, to the Fox, at Keston, where a numerous assemblage of true sportsmen patiently await the usual hour for throwing off. At length time being called, say twenty minutes to eleven, and Mr. Jorrocks, Nodding Homer, and the principal subscribers having cast up, the hounds approach the cover. " Yooi in there f^ shouts Tom Hill, who has long hunted this crack pack ; and crack ! crack ! crack ! go the whips of some scores of sportsmen. " Yelp, yelp, yelp," howl the hounds ; and in about a quarter of an hour Tom has not above four or five couple at his heels. This number being a trifle, Tom runs his prad at a gap in the fence by the woodside ; the old nag goes well at it, but stops short at the critical moment, and, instead of taking the ditch, bolts and wheels round. Tom, how- ever, who is " large in the boiling-pieces," as they say at Whitechapel, is prevented by his weight from being shaken out of his saddle ; and, being resolved to take no denial, he lays the crop of his hunting-whip about the head of his beast, and runs him at the same spot a second time, with an obligato accompaniment of his spur-rowels, backed by a " curm along, then ! " issued in such a tone as plainly informs his quadruped he is in no joking humour. These incentives succeed in land- SWELL AND THE SURREY 7 ing Tom and his nag in the wished-for spot, when imn:iediately the wood begins to resound with shouts of " Yoicks True-bo-y, yoicks True-bo-y, yoiclcs push him up, yoicks wind him ! " and the whole pack begin to work Uke good uns. Occasionally may be heard the howl of some unfortunate hound that has been caught in a fox-trap, or taken in a hare-snare ; and not unfrequently the discordant growls of some three or four more, vociferously quarrelling over the vener- able remains of some defunct rabbit. " Oh, you rogues," cries Mr. Jorrocks, a cit rapturously fond of the sport. After the lapse of half an hour the noise in the wood for a time increases audibly. 'Tis Tom chastising the gourmands. Another quarter of an hour, and a hound that has finished his coney bone slips out of the wood, and takes a roll upon the greensward, opining, no doubt, that such pastime is preferable to scratching his hide among brambles in the covers. " Hounds have no right to of trie,'" opines the head whipper-in ; so clapping spurs into his prad, he begins to pursue the delinquent round the common, with " Markis, Markis ! what are you at, Markis ? Get into cover, Markis ! " But " it's no go " ; Marquis creeps through a hedge, and " grins horribly a ghastly smile" at his ruthless tormentor, who wends back, well pleased at having had an excuse for taking " a bit gallop " ! Half an hour more slips away, and some of the least hasty of our cits begin to wax impatient in spite of the oft-repeated admonition, ^^ don't be in a hurry I " At length a yokel pops out of the cover, and as soon as he has recovered breath, informs the field that he has been "a hoUorin' to 'em for half an hour," and that the fox had "gone away for Tatsfield, 'most as soon as ever the 'oounds went into 'ood." All is now hurry-scurry, — girths are tightened, — reins gathered up, — half-munched sandwiches thrust into the mouth, — pocket-pistols applied to, — coats comfortably buttoned up to the throat; and, these 8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES preparations made, away goes the whole field, "coolly and fairly," along the road to Leaves Green and Crown Ash Hill, — from which latter spot, the operations of the pack in the bottom may be com- fortably and securely viewed, — leaving the whips to flog as many hounds out of cover as they can, and Tom to entice as many more as are willing to follow the " twang, twang, twang " of his horn. And now, a sufficient number of hounds having been seduced from the wood, forth sallies "Tummas," and making straight for the spot where our yokel's " mate " stands leaning on his plough-stilts, obtains from him the exact latitude and longitude of the spot where Reynard broke through the hedge. To this identical place is the pack forthwith led ; and, no sooner have they reached it, than the wagging of their sterns clearly shows how genuine is their breed. Old Strumpet, at length, first looking up in Tom's face for applause, ventures to send forth a long-drawn howl, which, coupled with Tom's screech, setting the rest agog, away they all go, like beans ; and the wind, fortunately setting towards Westerham, bears the melodious sound to the delighted ears of our "roadsters," who, forthwith catching the infection, respond with deafening shouts, and joyous yells, set to every key, and disdaining the laws of harmony. Thus, what with Tom's horn, the halloaing of the whips, and the shouts of the riders, a very pretty notion may be formed of what Virgil calls — " Clamorque virum clangorque tubarum " — A terrible noise is the result ! At the end of nine minutes or so, the hounds come to fault in the bottom, below the blacksmith's at Crown Ash Hill, and the fox has a capital chance ; in fact, they have changed for the blacksmith's tom cat, which rushed out before them, and, finding their mistake, return at their leisure. This gives the most SWELL AND THE SURREY 9 daring of the field, on the eminence, an opportunity of descending to view the sport more closely ; and being assembled in the bottom, each congratulates his neighbour on the excellent condition and staunch- ness of the hounds, and the admirable view that has been afforded them of their peculiar style of hunting. At this interesting period, a " regular swell " from Melton Mowbray, unknown to everyone except his tailor, to whom he owes a long tick, makes his appear- ance and affords abundance of merriment for our sportsmen. He is just turned out of the hands of his valet, and presents the very bemi ideal of his caste — " quite the lady," in fact. His hat is stuck on one side, displaying a profusion of well-waxed ringlets ; a corresponding infinity of whisker, terminating at the chin, there joins an enormous pair of moustaches, which give him the appearance of having caught the fox himself and stuck its brush below his nose. His neck is very stiff; and the exact Jackson-like fit of his coat, which almost nips him in two at the waist,, and his superlatively well-cleaned leather Andersons,^ together with the perfume and the general puppyism of his appearance, proclaim that he is a " swell " of the very first water, and one that a Surrey sportsman would like to buy at his own price and sell at the other's. In addition to this, his boots, which his " fellow " has just denuded from a pair of wash-leather covers, are of the finest, brightest, blackest patent leather imaginable ; the left one being the identical boot by which Warren's monkey shaved himself, while the right is the one at which the game-cock pecked, mis- taking its own shadow for an opponent, the mark of its bill being still visible above the instep ; and the tops — whose pampered appetites have been fed on champagne — are of the most delicate cream-colour, ' Anderson, of South Audley Street, is considered to be the only man capable of cutting "unmentionables" worthy the wear of a gentleman. lo JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES the whole devoid of mud or speck. The animal he bestrides is no less calculated than himself to excite the risible faculties of the field, being a sort of mouse colour, with dun mane and tail, got by Nicolo, out of a Flibbertygibbet mare, and he stands seventeen hands and an inch. His head is small and blood- like, his girth a mere trifle, and his legs, very long and spidery, of course without any hair at the pasterns to protect them from the flints ; his whole appearance bespeaking him fitter to run for half-mile hunters' stakes at Croxton Park or Leicester, than contend for foxes' brushes in such a splendid country as the Surrey. There he stands, with his tail stuck tight between his legs, shivering and shaking for all the world as if troubled with a fit of ague. And well he may, poor beast, for — oh, men of Surrey, London, Kent, and Middlesex, hearken to my word — on closer inspection he proves to have been shaved ! ! ! ^ After a considerable time spent in casting to the right, the left, and the rear, "True-^ast the judge's box. But we have run oiir race, and will not fatigue our readers with repetition. Let us, however, spend the evening, and then the " Day at Newmarket " will be done. Mr. Spring, with his usual attention to strangers, persuades Mr. Jorrocks to make one of a most agree- able dinner-party at the White Hart, on the assurance of spending a delightful evening. Covers are laid for sixteen in the front room downstairs, and about six o'clock that number are ready to sit down. Mr. Badchild, the accomplished keeper of an oyster-room and minor hell in Pickering Place, is prevailed upon to take the chair, supported on his right by Mr. Jorrocks, and on his left by Mr. Tom Rhodes, of Thames Street, while the stout, jolly, portly Jerry Hawthorn fills — in the fullest sense of the word — the vice-chair. Just as the waiters are removing the covers, in stalks the Baron, in his conical hat, and reconnoitres the viands. Sam, all politeness, invites THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 103 him to join the party. " I tank you," replies the Baron, " but I have my wet in de next room," " But bring your wet with you," rejoins Sam, "we'll all have our ivet together after dinner," thinking the Baron meant his wine. The usual inn grace — " For what we are going to receive the host expects to be paid," — having been said with great feeling and earnestness, they all set to at the victuals, and little conversation passed until the removal of the cloth, when Mr. Badchild, calling upon his Vice, observed that as in all probability there were gentlemen of different political and other opinions present, perhaps the best way would be to give a comprehensive toast, and so get over any debatable ground, — he therefore proposed to drink in a bumper, " The King, the Queen, and all the Royal Family, the Ministry, particularly the Master of the Horse, the Army, the Navy, the Church, the State, and after the excellent dinner they had eaten, he would include the name of the landlord of the White Hart" (great applause). Song from Jerry Hawthorn — " The King of the Cannibal Islands." — The chairman then called upon the company to fill their glasses to a toast upon which there could be no difference of opinion. " It was a sport which they all enjoyed, one that was delightful to the old and to the young, to the peer and to the peasant, and open to all. Whatever might be the merits of other amusements, he had never yet met any man with the hardihood to deny that racing was at once the noblest and most legitimate " (loud cheers, and thumps on the table, that set all the glasses dancing), "not only was it the noblest and most legitimate, but it was the most profitable ; and where was the man of high and honourable principle who did not feel, when breathing the pure atmosphere of that Heath, a lofty self-satisfaction at the thought that though he might have left those who were near and 104 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES dear to him in a less genial atmosphere, still he was not selfishly enjoying himself, without a thought for their welfare ; for racing, while it brought health and vigour to the father, also brought what was dearer to the mind of a parent — the means of promoting the happiness and prosperity of his family" (immense cheers). "With these few observations, he should simply propose, 'The Turf,' and may we long be above it" — (applause, and, on a motion of Mr. Spring, three cheers for Mrs. Badchild and all the little Badchildren were called for and given). When the noise had subsided, Mr. Jorrocks very deliberately got up, amid whispers and inquiries as to who he was. " Gentlemen," said he, with an indignant stare, and a thump on the table. " Gentlemen, I say, in much of what has fallen from our worthy chairman, I go-in-sides, save in what he says about racing — I insists that ^tinti?ig is the sport of sports " (immense laughter, and cries of "Wot an old fool ! ") " Gentlemen yu may laugh, but I say it's a fact, and though I doesn't wish to create no displeasancywhatsomever, yet I should despise myself most confoundedly — should consider myself unworthy of the great and distinguished 'unt to which I have the honour to belong, if I sat quietly down without sticking up for the Chase (laughter) — I say, it's one of the balances of the Constitution (laughter) — I say, it's the sport of kings ! the image of war without its guilt (hisses and immense laughter). I will fearlessly propose a bumper toast — I will give you ' Fox-hunting.' " There was some demur about drinking it, but on the interposition of Sam Spring, who assured the company that Jorrocks was one of the right sort, and with an addition proposed by Jerry Hawthorn, which made the toast more comprehensible, they swallowed it, and the chairman followed it up with "The Sod," — which was drunk with great ap- plause. Mr. Cox of Blue Hammerton returned thanks. " He considered cock-fighting the finest of THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 105 all fine amusements. Nothing could equal the rush between two prime grey-hackles — that was his colour. The chairman had said a vast for racing, and to cut the matter short, he might observe that cock-fighting combined all the advantages of making money, with the additional benefit of not being interfered with by the weather. He begged to return his best thanks for himself and brother sods, and only regretted he had not been taught speaking in his youth, or he would certainly have convinced them all that ' Cock- ing ' was the sport." " Coursing " was the next toast, for which Arthur Pavis, the jockey, returned thanks. " He was very fond of the 'long dogs,' and thought, after racing, coursing was the true thing. He was no orator, and so he drank off his wine to the health of the company." "Steeplechasing " followed, for which Mr. Coalman of St. Albans returned thanks, assuring the company that it answered his purpose remarkably well. Then the Vice gave the Chair, and the Chair gave the Vice ; and by way of a finale, Mr. Badchild proposed the game of Chicken-hazard, observing in a whisper to Mr. Jorrocks, that perhaps he would like to subscribe to a joint-stock purse ^ for the purpose of going to hell. To which Mr. Jorrocks, with great gravity, replied, " Sir, I'm d — d if I do." ^ It is common for parties to club their money and appoint one of their body to play the game. AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE THE shady side of Cheapside had become a luxury, and footmen in red plush breeches objects of real commiseration, when Mr. Jorrocks, tired of the heat and "ungrateful hurry of the town," resolved upon undertaking an aquatic excursion. He was sitting, as is "his custom always in the afternoon," in the arbour at the further end of his gravel walk, which he dignifies by the name of " garden," and had just finished a rough mental calculation as to whether he could eat more bread spread with jam or honey, when the idea of the jaunt entered his imagination. Being a man of great decision, he speedily winnowed the project over in his mind, and, producing a five- pound note from the fob of his small-clothes, passed it in review between his fingers, rubbed out the creases, held it up to the light, re-folded and restored it to his fob. " Batsay," cried he, " bring my castor — the white one as hangs next the blue cloak "i; and forthwith a rough-napped, unshorn-looking, white hat was transferred from the peg to Mr. Jorrocks's head. This done, he proceeded to the Piazza, where he found the Yorkshircman exercising himself up and down the spacious coffee-room, and, grasping his hand with the firmness of a vice, he forthwith began unburthening himself of the object of his mission. ^"02v are you V said he, shaking his arm like the handle of a pump, " 'Ow are you, I say? — I'm so delighted to see you, ye carn't think — Isn't this charming weather ? It makes me feel like a butter- 108 AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 107 fly — really think the 'air is sprouting under my vig." Here he took off his wig and rubbed his hand over his bald head, as though he were feeling for the shoots. " Now to business — Mrs. J. is away at Tooting, as you perhaps knows, and I'm all alone in Great Coram Street, with the key of the cellar, larder, and all that sort of thing, and I've a werry great mind to be off on a jaunt — what say you ? " " Not the slightest objec- tion," replied the Yorkshireman, " on the old principle of you finding cash and me finding company." " Why, now I tell you, werry honestly, that I should greatly prefer your paying your own shot; but, however, if you've a mind to do as I do, I'll let you stand in the half of a five-pound note and whatever silver I have in my pocket," pulling out a great handful as he spoke, and counting up thirty-two and sixpence. " Very good," replied the Yorkshireman when he had finished, " I'm your man ; — and not to be behind- hand in point of liberality, I've got threepence that I received in change at the cigar divan just now, which I will add to the common stock, so that we shall have six pounds twelve and ninepence between us." " Between us ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, " now that's so like a Yorkshireman. I declare you Northerns seem to think all the world are asleep except your- selves ; howsomever, I von't quarrel with you — you're a goodish sort of chap in your way, and so long as I keep the swag, we carn't get far wrong. Well, then, to-morrow, at two we'll start for Margate — the most delightful place in all the world, where we will have a rare jollification, and can stay just as long as the money holds out. So now good-bye — I'm off home again to see about wittles for the woyage." It were almost superfluous to mention that the following day was a Saturday, — for no discreet citizen would think of leaving town on any other. It dawned with uncommon splendour, and the cocks of Coram io8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES Street and adjacent parts seemed to hail the morn with more than their wonted energy. Never, save on a hunting morning, did Mr. Jorrocks tumble about in bed with such restless anxiety as cock after cock took up the crow, in ever}' gradation of noise from the shrill note of the free street-scouring chanticleer before the door, to the faint response of the cooped and prisoned victims of the neighbouring poulterer's, their efforts being aided by the flutterings and impertinent chirrup- ing of swarms of town-bred sparrows. At length the boy, Binjimin, tapped at his master's door, and, depositing his can of shaving-water on his dressing-table, took away his coat and waistcoat under pretence of brushing them, but in reality to feel if he had left any pence in the pockets. With pleasure Mr. Jorrocks threw aside the bed-clothes, and bounded upon the floor with a bump that shook his own and adjoining houses. On this day a few extra minutes were devoted to his toilet, one or two of which were expended in adjusting a gold fox-head pin in a con- spicuous part of his white tie, and in drawing on a pair of new dark-blue stocking-net pantaloons made so excessively tight that at starting any of his New- market friends would have laid three to two against his ever getting into them at all. When on, however, they fully developed the substantial proportions of his well-rounded limbs, while his large-tasselled Hessians showed that the bootmaker had been instructed to make a pair for a "great calf." A blue coat, with metal buttons, ample laps, and pockets outside, with a handsome buff kerseymere waistcoat, formed his costume on this occasion. Breakfast being over, he repaired to St. Botolph Lane, there to see his letters and look after his commercial affairs ; in which the reader not being interested, we will allow the York- shireman to figure a little, i About half-past one this enterprising young man placed himself in Tommy Sly's wherry at the foot of AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 109 the Savoy Stairs, and, not agreeing in opinion with Mr. Jorrocks that it is of " no use keeping a dog and barking oneself," he took an oar and helped to row himself down to London Bridge. At the wharf below the bridge there lay a magnificent steamer, painted pea-green and white, with flags flying from her masts, and the deck swarming with smart bonnets and bodices. Her name was the Royal Adelaide, from which the sagacious reader will infer that this excursion was made during the late reign. The Yorkshireman and Tom Sly having wormed their way among the boats, were at length brought up near one of the vessels, and, after lying on their oars a few seconds, they were attracted by " Now, sir, are you going to sleep there ? " addressed to a rival nautical whose boat obstructed the way, and, on looking up on deck, what a sight burst upon the Yorkshireman's astonished vision ! — Mr. Jorrocks with his coat off, and a fine green velvet cap or turban, with a broad gold band and tassel, on his head, hoisting a great hamper out of the wherry, rejecting all offers of assistance, and treating the laughter and jeers of the porters and bystanders with ineffable contempt. At length he placed the load to his liking, and, putting on his coat, adjusted his hunting telescope, and advanced to the side, as the Yorkshireman mounted the step-ladder, and came upon deck. " Werry near being over late," said he, pulling out his watch, just at which moment the last bell rang, and a few strokes of the paddles sent the vessel away from the quay. " A miss is as good as a mile," replied the Yorkshireman ; " but pray what have you got in the hamper ? " "In the 'amper ! Why, wittles, to be sure ! You seem to forget we are going a woyage, and 'ow keen the sea hair is. I've brought a knuckle of weal, half a ham, beef, sarsingers, chickens, sherry white and all that sort of thing, and werry acceptable they'll no JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES be by the time we get to the Nore, or may be before. ""Ease her! Stop her !" cried the captain through his trumpet, just as the vessel was getting into her stride in midstream, and, with true curiosity, the passengers . flocked to the side, to see who was coming, though they could not possibly have ex- amined half they had on board. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was not behindhand in inquisitiveness, and proceeded to adjust his telescope. A wherry was seen rowing among the craft, containing the boat- man, and a gentleman in a woolly white hat, with a bright pea-green coat, and a basket on his knee. " By Jingo, here's Jemmy Green ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, taking his telescope from his eye, and giving his thigh a hearty slap. " How unkimmon lucky ! The werry man of all others I should most like to see. You know James Green, don't you?" addressing the Yorkshireman, — ^^ young James Green, junior, of Tooley Street — everybody knows him — most agree- able young man in Christendom — fine warbler — beautiful dancer — everything that a young man should be." "How are you, James?" cried Jorrocks, seizing him by the hand as his friend stepped upon deck ; but whether it was the nervousness occasioned by the rocking of the wherry, or the shaking of the step- ladder up the side of the steamer, or Mr. Jorrocks's new turban cap, but Mr. Green, with an old-maidish reserve, drew back from the proffered embrace of his friend. " You have the adwantage of me, sir," said he, fidgeting back as he spoke, and eyeing Mr. Jorrocks with unmeasured surprise — " Yet stay, — if I'm not deceived it's Mr. Jorrocks, — so it is ! " and thereupon they joined hands most cordially, amid exclamations of "'Ow are you, J. ? " " 'Ow are you, G. ? " " 'Ow are you, J. ? " " So glad to see you, J." "So glad to see you, G." "So glad to see you, J." AQUATICS: AT MARGATE iii "And pray what may you have in your basket?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, putting his hand to the bottom of a neat Httle green-and-white willow woman's-basket, apparently for the purpose of ascertaining its weight. "Only my clothes, and a little prowision for the woyage. A baked pigeon, some cold maccaroni, and a few pectoral lozenges. At the bottom are my Margate shoes, with a comb in one, and a razor in t'other ; then comes the prog, and at the top I've a dickey and a clean front for to-morrow. I abominates travelling with much luggage. Where, I ax, is the use of carrying nightcaps, when the innkeepers always prowide them, without extra charge? The same with regard to soap. Shave, I say, with what you find in your tray. A wet towel makes an excellent tooth-brush, and a penknife both cuts and cleans your nails. Perhaps you'll present your friend to me ? " added he in the same breath, with a glance at the Yorkshireman, upon whose arm Mr. Jorrocks was resting his telescope hand. "Much pleasure," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with his usual urbanity, "Allow me to introduce Mr. Stubbs, Mr. Green, Mr. Green, Mr. Stubbs ; now pray shake hands," added he, "for I'm sure you'll be werry fond of each other " ; and thereupon Jemmy, in the most patronizing manner extended his two forefingers to the Yorkshireman, who presented him with one in return. For the information of such of our readers as may never have seen Mr. James Green, senior junior, either in Tooley Street, South wark, where the patronymic name abounds, or at Messrs. Tattersall's, where he generally exhibits on a Monday afternoon, we may premise, that though a little man in stature, he is a great man in mind, and a great swell in costume. On the present occasion, as already stated, he had on a woolly white hat, his usual pea-green coat, with a fine, false, four-frilled front to his shirt, embroidered, pleated, and puckered, like a lady's habit- skirt. Down 112 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES the front were three or four different sorts of studs, and a butterfly brooch, made of various coloured glasses, sat in the centre. His cravat was of a yellow silk with a flowered border, confining gills sharp and pointed that looked up his nostrils ; his double- breasted waistcoat was of red and yellow tartan with blue glass postboy buttons ; and his trousers, which were very wide and cut out over the foot of rusty- black chamois-leather opera-boots, were of a broad blue stripe upon a white ground. A curly, bushy, sandy-coloured wig protruded from the sides of his woolly white hat, and shaded a vacant countenance, which formed the frontispiece of a great chuckle head. Sky-blue gloves and a stout cane, with large tassels, completed the rigging of this Borough dandy. Altogether he was as fine as any peacock, and as vain as the proudest. "And 'ow is Mrs. J.?" inquired Green, with the utmost affability — " I hope she's uncommon well — pray, is she of your party?" looking round. "Why, no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " she's off at Tooting at her mother's and I'm just away, on the sly, to stay a five-pound at Margate this delightful weather. 'Ow long do you remain?" "Oh, only till Monday morning — I goes every Saturday ; in fact," added he, in an undertone, " I've a season ticket, so I may just as well use it, as stay poking in Tooley Street with the old folks, who really are so uncommon glumpy, that it's quite refreshing to get away from them." "That's a pity," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with one of his benevolent looks. " But 'ow comes it, James, you are not married ? You are not a bouy now, and should be looking out for a home of your own." "True, my dear J., true," replied Mr. Green ; "and I tell you wot, our principal bookkeeper and I have made many calculations on the subject, and being a man of literature like yourself, he gave it as his opinion the last time we talked the matter over, that AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 113 it would only be avoiding Silly and running into Crab- beds ; which, I presume, means Quod or the Bench. Unless he can have a wife ' made to order,' he says he'll never wed. Besides, the women are such a bothersome, encroaching set. I declare I'm so pestered with them that I don't know vich vay to turn. They are always tormenting of me. Only last week one sent me a specification of what she'd marry me for, and I declare her dress, alone, came to more than I have to find myself in clothes, ball and concert tickets, keep an 'oss, go to theatres, buy lozenges, letter-paper, and everything else with. There were bumbazeens, and challies, and merinoes, and crape, and gauze, and dimity, and caps, bonnets, stockings, shoes, boots, rigids, stays, ringlets ; and, would you believe it, she had the unspeakable audacity to include a bustle ! It was the most monstrous specification and proposal I ever read, and I returned it by the twopenny post, axing her if she hadn't forgotten to include a set of false teeth. Still, I confess, I am tired of Tooley Street. I feel that I have a soul above hemp, and was intended for a brighter sphere ; but vot can von do, cooped up at home without men of henergy for companions? No prospect of improvement either ; for I left our old gentleman alarmingly well just now, pulling about the flax and tow, as though his dinner depended upon his exertions. I think if the women would let me alone, I might have some chance, but it worries a man of sensibility and refinement to have them always tormenting of one. I've no objections to be led, but, dash my buttons, I vo?i't be driven!" "Certainly not," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with great gravity, jingling the silver in his breeches' pocket. " It's an old saying, James, and time proves it true, that you may take an 'oss to the water, but you carn't make him drink — and, talking of 'osses, pray, how are you off in //^fl-/ line ? " "Oh, werry well — uncommon, I may 8 114 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES say — a thorough-bred, bang tail down to the hocks, by Phantom, out of Baron Munchausen's dam — gave a hatful of money for him at Tatt.'s — -five fives — a deal of tin as times go. But he's a perfect 'oss, I assure you — bright bay with four black legs, and never a white hair upon him. He's touched in the vind, but that's nothing — I'm not a fox-hunter, you know, Mr. Jorrocks ; besides, I find the music he makes werry useful in the streets, as a warning to the old happle women to get out of the way. Fray, sir," turning to the Yorkshireman, with a jerk, "do you dance?" — as the boat-band, consisting of a harp, a flute, a lute, a long horn, and a short horn, struck up a quadrille, — and, without waiting for a reply, our hero sidled past, and glided among the crowd that covered the deck. " A fine young man, James," observed Jorrocks, eyeing Jemmy as he elbowed his way down to the boat — " fine young man — wants a little of his father's ballast, but there's no putting old heads on young shoulders. He's a beautiful dancer," added Mr. Jorrocks, putting his arm through the Yorkshireman's, " let's go and see him foot it." Having worked their way down, they at length got near the dancers, and, mounting a ballast box, had a fine view of the quadrille. There were eight or ten couple at work, and Jemmy had chosen a fat, dumpy, red-faced girl, in a bright orange-coloured muslin gown, with black velvet Vandyked flounces, and green boots — a sort of walking sunflower, with whom he was pointing his toe, kicking out behind, and pirouetting with great energy and agility. His male vis-a-vis was a waistcoat- less young Daniel Lambert, in white ducks, and a blue dress-coat, with a carnation in his mouth, who, with a damsel in ten colours, reel'd to and fro in humble imitation. " Green for ever ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks, taking off his velvet cap and waving it encouragingly over his head : " Green for ever ! Go it, Green!" and, accordingly Green went it with AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 115 redoubled vigour. "Wiggins for ever!" responded a female voice opposite, '' I say, Wiggins/" which was followed by a loud clapping of hands, as the fat gentleman made an astonishing step. Each had his admiring applaudcrs, though Wiggins " had the call " among the ladies — the opposition voice that put him in nomination proceeding from the mother of his partner, who, like her daughter, was a sort of walking pattern-book. The spirit of emulation lasted through- out the quadrille, after which. Sunflower in hand, Green traversed the deck to receive the compliments of the company. "You must be 'ungry," observed Mr. Jorrocks, with great politeness to the lady, "after all your exertions," as the latter stood mopping herself with a coarse linen handkerchief. " Pray, James, bring your partner to our 'aniper, and let me offer her some refreshment," which was one word for the Sunflower and two for himself, the sea-breeze having made Mr. Jorrocks what he called " unkimmon peckish." The hamper was speedily opened, the knuckle of weal, the half ham, the aitch bone of beef, the Dorking sausages (made in Drury Lane), the chickens, and some dozen or two of plover's eggs, were exhibited, while Green, with disinterested generosity, added his baked pigeon and cold maccaroni to the common stock. A vigorous attack was speedily commenced, and was kept up, with occasional interruptions by Green running away to dance, until they hove in sight of Heme Bay, which caused an interruption to a very interesting lecture on wines, that Mr. Jorrocks was in the act of delivering, which went to prove that port and sherry were the parents of all wines, port the father, and sherry the mother; and that Bluecellas, Hock, Burgundy, Claret, Teneriff"e, Madeira, were made by the addition of water, vinegar, and a few chemical ingredients, and that of all "humbugs," pale sherry was the greatest, being neither more nor ii6 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES less than brown sherry watered. Mr. Jorrocks then set to work to pack up the leavings in the hamper, observing, as he proceeded, that wilful waste brought woeful want, and that " waste not, want not," had ever been the motto of the Jorrocks family. It was nearly eight o'clock ere the Royal Adelaide touched the point of the far-famed Margate jetty, a fact that was announced as well by the usual bump, and scuttle to the side to get out first, as by the band striking up "God save the King," and the mate demanding the tickets of the passengers. The sun had just dropped beneath the horizon, and the gas- lights of the town had been considerately lighted to show him to bed, for the day was yet in the full vigour of life and light. Two or three other cargoes of cockneys having arrived before, the whole place was in commotion, and the beach swarmed with spectators as anxious to watch this last disembarkation as they had been to see the first. By a salutary regulation of the sages who watch over the interests of the town, " all manner of persons " are prohibited from walking upon the jetty during this ceremony, but the platform of which it is composed being very low, those who stand on the beach, outside the rails, are just about on a right level to shoot their impudence cleverly into the ears of the new-comers, who are paraded along two lines of gaping, quizzing, laughing, joking, jeering citizens, who fire volleys of wit and satire upon them as they pass. "There's Artie Jemmy Green again!" ex- claimed a nursery-maid, with two fat, ruddy children in her arms, " he's a beauty without paint ! " " Holloa, Jorrocks, my hearty ! lend us your hand ! " cried a brother member of the Surrey Hunt. Then there was a pointing of fingers and cries of "That's Jorrocks ! That's Green ! That's Green I That's Jorrocks ! " and a murmuring titter, and exclamations of "There's Simpkins ! how pretty he is!" "But AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 117 there's Wiggins, who's much nicer." " My eye, what a cauUflower hat Mrs. Thompson's got ! " " What a buck young Snooks is ! " " What gummy legs that girl in green has ! " " Miss Trotter's bustle's on crooked!" from the young ladies at Miss Trimmer's seminary, who were drawn up to show the numerical strength of the academy, and act the part of walking advertisements. These observations were speedily drowned by the lusty lungs of a fly-man bellowing out, as Green passed, " Holloa ! my young brockley- sprout, are you here again ? — now then for the tizzy ^ you owe me, — I have been waiting here for it ever since last Monday morning." This salute produced an irate look and a shake of his cane from Green, with a mutter of something about " iniperafice" and a wish that he had his big fighting foreman there to thrash him. When they got to the gate at the end, the tide of fashion became obstructed by the kissings of husbands and wives, the greetings of fathers and sons, the officiousness of porters, the cries of fly-men, the importunities of innkeepers, the cards of bathing- women, the salutations of donkey-drivers, the programmes of librarians, and the rush and push of the inquisitive ; and the waters of " comers " and "stayers" mingled in one common flood of indescrib- able confusion. Mr. Jorrocks, who, hamper in hand, had elbowed his way with persevering resignation, here found himself so beset with friends all anxious to wring his digits, that, fearful of losing either his bed or his friends, he besought Green to step on to the " White Hart" and see about accommodation. Accordingly Green ran his fingers through the bushy sides of his yellow wig, jerked up his gills, and with a neglige air strutted up to that inn, which, as all frequenters of Margate know, stands near the landing place, and commands a fine view of the harbour. Mr. Creed, ^ "Tizzy" — Margate for sixpence. ii8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES the landlord, was airing himself at the door, or as Shakespeare has it, " taking his ease at his inn," and knowing Green of old to be a most unprofitable customer, he did not trouble to move his position further than just to draw up one leg so as not wholly to obstruct the passage, and looked at him as much as to say, " I prefer your room to your company." " Quite full here, sir," said he, anticipating Green's question. "Full, indeed?" replied Jemmy, pulling up his gills — "that's werry awkward, Mr. Jorrocks has come down with myself and a friend, and we want accommodation." " Mr. Jorrocks, indeed ! " replied Mr. Creed, altering his tone and manner ; " I'm sure I shall be delighted to receive Mr. Jorrocks — he's one of the oldest customers I have — and one of the best— none of your ' glass of water and tooth- pick ' gentleman— real, downright black-strap man, likes it hot and strong from the wood — always pays like a gentleman — never fights about threepences, like some peo/>/e Il'now," looking at Jemmy. "Pray, what rooms may you require?" "Vy there's myself, Mr. Jorrocks, and Mr. Jorrocks's other friend — three in all, and we shall want three good hairy bedrooms." " Well, I don't know," replied Mr. Creed, laughing, "about their /la/riness, but I can rub them with bear's grease for you." Jemmy pulled up his gills and was about to reply, when Mr. Jorrocks's appearance interrupted the dialogue. Mr. Creed advanced to receive him, blowing up his porters for not having been down to carry up the hamper, which he took himself and bore to the coffee-room, amid protesta- tions of his delight at seeing his worthy visitor. Having talked over the changes of Margate, of those that were there, those that were not, and those that were coming, and adverted to the important topic of supper, Mr. Jorrocks took out his yellow and white spotted handkerchief and proceeded to flop his Hessian boots, while Mr. Creed, with his own hands, AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 119 rubbed him over with a long billiard-table brush. Green, too, put himself in form by the aid of the looking-glass, and these preliminaries being adjusted, the trio sallied forth arm in arm, Mr. Jorrocks occupying the centre. It was a fine, balmy summer evening, the beetles and moths still buzzed and flickered in the air, and the sea rippled against the shingly shore, with a low indistinct murmur that scarcely sounded among the busy hum of men. The shades of night were drawing on — a slight mist hung about the hills, and a silvery moon shed a broad brilliant ray upon the quivering waters " of the dark blue sea," and an equal light over the wide expanse of the troubled town. How strange that man should leave the quiet scenes of nature to mix in myriads of those they profess to quit cities to avoid ! One turn to the shore, and the gas-lights of the town drew back the party like moths to the streets, which were literally swarming with the population. " Cheapside, at three o'clock in the afternoon," as Mr. Jorrocks observed, was never fuller than Margate streets that evening. All was lighted up — all brilliant and all gay — care seemed banished from every countenance, and pretty faces and smart gowns reigned in its stead. Mr. Jorrocks met with friends and acquaintances at every turn, most of whom asked "when he came?" and " when he was going away ? " Having perambu- lated the streets, the souad of music attracted Jemmy Green's attention, and our party turned into a long, crowded, and brilliantly-lighted bazaar, just as the last notes of a barrel organ at the far end faded away, and a young woman in a hat and feathers, with a swan's-down muff and tippet, was handed by a very smart young man in dirty-white Berlin gloves, and an equally soiled white waistcoat, into a sort of orchestra above, where, after the plaudits of the company had subsided, she struck up — "If I had a donkey vot vouldn't go." I20 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES At the conclusion of the song, and before the company had time to disperse, the same smart young gentleman, — having rehanded the young lady from the orchestra and pocketed his gloves, — ran his fingers through his hair, and announced from that eminence, that the spirited proprietors of the bazaar were then going to offer for public competition, in the enterprising shape of a raffle, in tickets at one shilling each, a most magnificently genteel, rosewood, general perfume-box, fitted up with cedar and lined with red silk velvet, adorned with cut-steel clasps at the sides, and a solid, massive, silver name-ptate at the top, with a best patent Bramah lock, and six chaste and beautifully rich cut-glass bottles, and a plate-glass mirror at the top — a box so splendidly perfect, so beautifully uni(}ue, as alike to defy the powers of praise and the critiques of the envious ; and thereupon he produced a flashy sort of thing that might be worth three-and-sixpence, for which he modestly required ten subscribers, at a shilling each, adding, "that even with that number the proprietors would incur a werry heavy loss, for which nothing but a boundless sense of gratitude for favours past could possibly recompense them." The youth's eloquence and the glitter of the box, reflecting, as it did at every turn, the gas-lights both in its steel and glass, had the desired effect — shillings went down, and tickets went off rapidly, until only three remained. " Four, five, and ten, are the only numbers now remaining," observed the youth, running his eye up the list and wetting his pencil in his mouth. " Four, five, and ten ! ten, four, five ! five, four, ten ! are the only numbers now vacant for this werry genteel and magnificent rosewood perfume-box, lined with red velvet, cut-steel clasps, a silver plate for the name, best patent Bramah lock, and six beautiful rich cut- glass bottles, with a plate-glass mirror in the lid — and only four, five, and ten now vacant ! " " I'll take ten," AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 121 said Green, laying down a shilling. "Thank you, sir — only four and five now wanting, ladies and gentlemen — pray be in time — pray be in time ! This is without exception the most brilliant prize ever offered for public competition. There were only two of these werry elegant boxes made, — the unfortunate mechanic who executed them being carried off by that terrible malady the cholera morbus, — and the other is now in the possession of his most Christian Majesty the King of the French. Only four and five wanting to commence throwing for this really perfect specimen of human ingenuity — only four and five ? " " I'll take them," cried Green, throwing down two shillings more — and then the table was cleared — the dice box produced, and the crowd drew round. "Number one! — who holds number one?" inquired the keeper, arranging the paper, and sucking the end of his pencil. A young gentleman in a blue jacket and white trousers owned the lot, and accordingly led off" the game. The lottery-keeper handed the box, and put in the dice — rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and lift up — "seven and four are eleven" — "how again, if you please, sir," putting. the dice into the box — rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and lift up — a loud laugh — "one and two make three" — the youth bit his lips; — rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop — a pause — and lift up — "threes!" — "six, three, and eleven are twenty." " Now who holds number two ? — what lady or gentleman holds number two ? Pray step forward ! " The Sunflower drew near — Green looked confused — she fixed her eye upon him, half in fear, half in entreaty — would he offer to throw for her? No, by Jove, Green was not so green as all that came to, and he let her shake herself. She threw tw-enty-two, thereby putting an extinguisher on the boy, and raising Jemmy's chance considerably. "Three" was held by a youngster in nankeen petticoats, who would 122 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES throw for himself, and shook the box violently enough to be heard at Broadstairs. He scored nineteen, and, beginning to cry immediately, was taken home. Green was next, and all eyes were turned upon him, for he was a noted hand. He advanced to the table with great sangfroid, and turning back the wrists of his coat, exhibited his beautiful sparkling paste shirt buttons, and the elegant turn of his taper hand, the middle finger of which was covered with massive rings. He took the box in a neglige manner, and without condescending to shake it, slid the dice out upon the table by a gentle side-way motion — " sixes ! " cried all, and down the marker put twelve. At the second throw he adopted another mode. As soon as the dice were in, he just chucked them up in the air like as many half-pence, and down they came five and six — "eleven," said the marker. With a look of triumph Green held the box for the third time, which he just turned upside down, and lo, on uncovering, there stood two — " ones ! " A loud laugh burst forth, and Green looked confused. "I'm so glad/" whispered a young lady, who had made an unsuccess- ful "set" at Jemmy the previous season, in a tone loud enough for him to hear. "I hope he'll lose," rejoined a female friend rather louder. " That Jemmy Green is my absolute abhorrence" observed a third. "'Orrible man, with his nasty vig," observed the mamma of the first speaker, "shouldn't have my darter not at no price." Green, however, headed the poll, having beat the Sunflower, and had still two lots in reserve. For number five he threw twenty-five, and was immediately outstripped, amid much laughter and clapping of hands from the ladies, by number six, who in his turn fell a prey to number seven. Between eight and nine there was a very interesting contest who should be lowest, and hopes and fears were at their altitude when Jemmy Green again turned back his coat-wrist to throw for number ten. AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 123 His confidence had forsaken him a Httle, as indicated by a slight quivering of the under-lip, but he managed to conceal it from all except the ladies, who kept too scrutinizing an eye upon him. His first throw brought sixes, which raised his spirits amazingly ; but on their appearance a second time he could scarcely contain himself, backed as he was by the plaudits of his friend Mr. Jorrocks. Then came the deciding throw — every eye was fixed on Jemmy, he shook the box, turned it down, and lo, there came seven. " Mr. James Green is the fortunate winner of this magnificent prize ! " exclaimed the youth, holding up the box in mid-air, and thereupon all the ladies crowded round Green, some to congratulate him, others to compliment him on his looks, while one or two of the least knowing tried to coax him out of his box. Jemmy, however, was too old a stager, and pocketed the box and other compliments at the same time. Another grind of the organ, and another song followed from the same young lady, during which operation Green sent for the manager, and, after a little beating about the bush, proposed singing a song or two if he would give him lottery-tickets gratis. He asked three shilling tickets for each song, and finally closed for five tickets for two songs, on the understanding that he was to be announced as a distinguished amateur, who had come forward by- most particular desire. Accordingly the manager — a roundabout, red-faced, consequential little cockney — mounted the rostrum, and begged to announce to the company that that "celebrated wocalist, Mr. James Green, so well known as a distinguished amateur and conwivialist,. both at Bagnigge Wells, and Vite Conduit House, London, had werry kindly consented, in order to promote the hilarity of the evening, to favour the 124 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES company with a song immediately after the drawing of the next lottery," and after a few high - flown compliments, which elicited a laugh from those who were up to Jemmy's mode of doing business, he concluded by offering a "papier-mache" tea- caddy for public competition, in shilling lots as before. As soon as the drawing was over, they gave the organ a grind, and Jemmy popped up with a hop, skip, and a jump, with his woolly white hat under his arm, and presented himself with a scrape and a bow to the company. After a few preparatory " hems and haws," he pulled up his gills and spoke as follows : "Ladies and gentlemen! hem" — another pull at his gills — "ladies and gentlemen — my walued friend, Mr. Kitey Graves, has announced that I will entertain the company with a song ; though nothing, I assure you — hem — could be farther from my idea — hem — when my excellent friend asked me," — "Hookey Walker ! " exclaimed someone who had heard Jemmy declare the same thing half a dozen times — "and, indeed, ladies and gentlemen — hem — nothing but the werry great regard I have for Mr. Kitey Graves, who I have known and loved ever since he was the height of sixpenn'orth of copper " ; a loud laugh followed this allusion, seeing that eighteen penny- worth would almost measure out the speaker. On giving another " hem," and again pulling up his gills, an old Kentish farmer, in a brown coat, and mahogany- coloured tops, holloaed out, " I say, sir ! I'm afear'd you'll be catching cold ! " "I 'opes not," replied Jemmy in a fluster, "is it raining? I've no umbrella, and my werry best coat on ! " " No ! raining no ! " replied the farmer, "only you've pulled at your shirt so long that I think your behind must be bare ! Haw ! how ! haw ! " at which all the males roared with laughter, and the females hid their faces in their handkerchiefs, and tittered and giggled, and tried to be shocked. AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 125 " Order ! order ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks, in a loud and sonorous voice, which had the effect of quelling the riot and drawing all eyes upon himself. " Ladies and gentlemen," said he, taking off his cap with great gravity, and extending his right arm — " Immodest words admit of no defence, P'or want of decency is want of sense" ; a couplet so apropos, and so well delivered, as to have the immediate effect of restoring order, and making the farmer look foolish. Encouraged by the voice of his great patron, Green once more essayed to finish his speech, which he did by a fresh assurance of the surprise by which he had been taken by the request of his friend, Kitey Graves, and an exhortation for the company to make allowance for any deficiency of " woice," inasmuch as he was labouring under " a wiolent 'orseness," for which he had long been taking pectoral lozenges. He then gave his gills another pull, felt if they were even, and struck up — "Bid me discourse," in notes, compared to which the screaming of a peacock would be perfect melody. Mr. Jorrocks having taken a conspicuous position, applauded long, loudly, and warmly, at every pause — approbation the more deserved and disinterested, inasmuch as the worthy gentleman suffers considerably from music and only knows two tunes, one of which, he says, "/V God save the King, and the other isiitr Having seen his protege fairly under way, Mr. Jorrocks gave him a hint t.iat he would return to the White Hart, and have supper ready by the time he was done; accordingly the Yorkshireman and he withdrew along an avenue politely formed by the separation of the company, who applauded as they passed. An imperial quart and a half of Mr. Creed's stoutest 126 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES draught port, with the orthodox proportion of lemon, cloves, sugar, and cinnamon, had almost boiled itself to perfection under the skilful superintendence of Mr. Jorrocks, on the coffee-room fire, and a table had been handsomely decorated with shrimps, lobsters, broiled bones, fried ham, poached eggs, when just as the clock had finished striking eleven, the coffee- room door opened with a rush, and in tripped Jemmy Green, with his hands crammed full of packages, and his trousers' pockets sticking out like a Dutch burgo- master's. "Veil, I've done 'em brown to-night, I think," said he, depositing his hat and half a dozen packages on the sideboard, and running his fingers through his curls to make them stand up. " I've won nine lotteries, and left one undrawn when I came away, because it did not seem likely to fill. Let me see," said he, emptying his pockets, — "there is the beautiful rosewood box that I won, ven you was there ; the next was a set of crimping-irons, vich I von also ; the third was a jockey vip, which I did not vant, and only stood one ticket for and lost ; the fourth was this elegant box, with a view of Margate on the lid ; then came these six sherry labels with silver rims ; a snuff-box wnth an inwisible mouse ; a coral rattle with silver bells ; a silk yard-measure in a walnut shell ; a couple of West India beetles ; a humming-bird in a glass case, which I lost ; and then these dozen bodkins with silver eyes — so that altogether I have made a pretty good night's work of it. Kitey Graves wasn't in great force, so after I had sung ' Bid me discourse,' and * I'd be a butterfly,' I cut my stick, and went to the hopposition shop, where they used me much more genteelly ; giving me three tickets for a song, and introducing me in more flattering terms to the company — I don't like being considered one of the nasty ' reglars,' and they should make a point of explaining that one isn't. Besides, what business had Kitey to say anything about Bagnigge Veils? AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 127 a hass ! — Now, perhaps, you'll favour me with some supper?" "Certainly," replied Mr. Jorrocks, patting Jemmy approvingly on the head — "you deserve some. It's only no song, no supper, and you've been singing like a nightingale " ; thereupon they set-to with vigorous determination. A bright Sunday dawned, and the beach at an early hour was crowded with men in dressing-gowns of every shape, hue, and material, with buff slippers — the "regulation Margate shoeing," both for men and women. As the hour of eleven approached, and the church bells began to ring, the town seemed to awaken suddenly from a trance, and bonnets the most superb, and dresses the most extravagant, poured forth from lodgings the most miserable. Having shaved and dressed himself with more than ordinary care and attention, Mr. Jorrocks walked his friends off to church, assuring them that no one need hope to prosper throughout the week who did not attend it on the Sunday, and he marked his own devotion throughout the service by drowning the clerk's voice with his responses. After this spiritual ablution, Mr, Jorrocks bethought himself of having a bodily one in the sea ; and the day being excessively hot, and the tide about the proper mark, he pocketed a couple of towels out of his bedroom and went away to bathe, leaving Green and the Yorkshireman to amuse themselves at the White Hart. This house, as we have already stated, faces the harbour, and is a corner one, running a considerable way up the next street, with a side door communicat- ing, as well as the front one, with the coffee-room. This room differs from the generality of coffee-rooms, inasmuch as the windows range the whole length of the room, and, being very low, they aiford every facility for the children and passers-by to inspect the interior. Whether this is done to show the 128 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES Turkey carpet, the pea-green cornices, the bright mahogany slips of tables, the gay trellised geranium- papered room, or the aristocratic visitors who frequent it, is immaterial — the description is as accurate as if George Robins had drawn it himself. In this room, then, as the Yorkshireman and Green were lying dozing on three chairs apiece, each having fallen asleep to avoid the trouble of talking to the other, they were suddenly roused by loud yells and hootings at the side door, and the bursting into the coffee-room of what at first brush they thought must be a bull. The Yorkshireman jumped up, rubbed his eyes, and lo ! before him stood Mr. Jorrocks, pufifing like a stranded grampus, with a bunch of seaweed under his arm and the dress in which he had started, with the exception of the dark blue stocking-net pantaloons, the place of which was supplied by a flowing white linen kilt, commonly called a shirt, in the four corners of which were knotted a few small pebbles — producing, with the Hessian boots and one thing and another, the most laughable figure imaginable. The blood of the Jorrockses was up, however, and, throwing his hands in the air, he thus delivered himself; " O gentlemen ! gentlemen ! — here's a lamentable occurrence — a terrible disaster — oh dear ! oh dear ! — I never thought I should come to this. You know, James Green," appealing to Jemmy, "that I never was the man to raise a blush on the cheek of modesty ; I have always said that ' want of decency is want of sense,' and see how I am rewarded ! Oh dear ! oh dear ! that I should ever have trusted my pantaloons out of my sight." While all this, which was the work of a moment, was going forward, the mob, which had been shut out at the side door on Jorrocks's entry, had got round to the coffee-room window, and were all wedging their faces in to have a sight of him. It was principally composed of children, who kept up the most discordant yells, mingled with AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 129 shouts of, " There's old cutty shirt ! " — *' who's got your breeches, old cock?" — "make a scramble!" — "turn him out for another hunt ! " — "turn him again ! " until, fearing for the respectability of his house, the landlord persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to retire into the bar to state his grievances. It then appeared that having travelled along the coast, as far as the first preventive station-house on the Ramsgate side of Margate, the grocer had thought it a convenient place for performing his intended ablutions, and accordingly proceeded to do what all people of either sex agree upon in such cases — namely, to divest himself of his garments ; but before he completed the ceremony, observing some females on the cliffs above, and not being (as he said) a man " to raise a blush on the cheek of modesty," he advanced to the water's edge in his aforesaid unmentionables, and forgetting that it was not yet high tide, he left them there, when they were speedily covered, and the pockets being full of silver and copper, of course they were "swamped." After dabbling about in the water and amusing himself with picking up seaweed for about ten minutes, Mr. Jorrocks was horrified, on returning to the spot where he thought he had left his stocking-net pantaloons, to find that they had disappeared ; and, after a long and fruitless search, the unfortunate gentleman was compelled to abandon the pursuit, and render himself an object of chase to all the little boys and girls who chose to follow him into Margate on his return without them. Jorrocks, as might be expected, was very bad about his loss, and could not get over it — it stuck in his gizzard, he said — and there it seemed likely to remain. In vain Mr. Creed offered him a pair of trousers — he never had worn a pair. In vain he asked for the loan of a pair of white cords and top-boots, or even drab shorts and continuations. Mr. Creed was no sportsman, and did not keep any. The bellman 9 I30 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES could not cry the lost unmentionables because it was Sunday, and even if they should be found on the ebbing of the tide, they would take no end of time to dry. Mr. Jorrocks declared his pleasure at an end, and forthwith began making inquiries as to the best mode of getting home. The coaches were all gone, steam-boats there were none, save for every place but London, and posting, he said, was "cruelly expensive." In the midst of his dilemma, " Boots," who is always the most intelligent man about an inn, popped in his curly head, and informed Mr. Jorrocks that the Unity hoy, a most commodious vessel, neat, trim, and watertight, manned by his own maternal uncle, was going to cut away to London at three o'clock, and would land him before he could say "Jack Robinson." Mr. Jorrocks jumped at the offer, and forthwith attiring himself in a pair of Mr. Creed's loose inexpressibles, over which he drew his Hessian boots, he tucked the hamper containing the knuckle of veal and other etceteras under one arm, and the bunch of seaweed he had been busy col- lecting, instead of watching his clothes, under the other, and, followed by his friends, made direct for the vessel. Everybody knows, or ought to know, what a hoy is — it is a large sailing boat, sometimes with one deck, sometimes with none ; and the Unity, trading in bulky goods, was of the latter description, though there was a sort of dog-hole at the stern, which the master dignified by the name of a " state cabin," into which he purposed putting Mr. Jorrocks, if the weather should turn cold before they arrived. The wind, however, he said, was so favourable, and his cargo — " timber and fruit," as he described it, that is to say, broom-sticks and potatoes — so light, that he warranted landing him at Blackwall at least by ten o'clock, where he could either sleep, or get a short stage or an omnibus on to Leadenhall Street. The AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 131 vessel looked anything but tempting, neither was the captain's appearance prepossessing, still Mr. Jorrocks, all things considered, thought he would chance it ; and depositing his hamper and seaweed, and giving special instructions about having his pantaloons cried in the morning — recounting that, besides the silver and eighteenpence in copper, there was a steel pencil-case with J. J. on the seal at the top, an anonymous letter, and two keys — he took an affec- tionate leave of his friends, stepped on board, the vessel was shoved off and stood out to sea. Monday morning drew the cockneys from their roosts betimes, to take their farewell splash and dive in the sea. As the day advanced the bustle and confusion on the shore and in the town increased, and everyone seemed on the move. The ladies paid their last visits to the bazaars and shell shops, and children extracted the last ounce of exertion from the exhausted leg-weary donkeys. Meanwhile the lords of the creation strutted about, some in dressing-gowns, others, "full puff," with bags and boxes under their arms — while sturdy 'porters were wheeling barrows full of luggage to the jetty. The bellman went round dressed in a blue and red cloak, with a gold hat- band. Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong, went the bell, and the gaping cockneys congregated around. He commenced — " To be so/z-ld in the market-place a quantity of fresh ling." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "The Royal Ada.laide, fast and splendid steam-packet, Capt. Whittingham, will leave the pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the passengers at London Bridge Steam-packet Wharf — fore-cabin fares and children four shillings — saloon five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong : " The superb and splendid steam-packet, the Magnet, will leave the pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the passengers at the St. Catherine Docks — fore-cabin fares and children four shillings— 132 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES saloon five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong : " Lost at the back of James Street — a lady's black silk — black lace wale — whoever has found the same, and will bring it to the crier, shall receive one shilling reward." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost, last night, between the jetty and the York Hotel, a little boy, as answers to the name of Spot, whoever has found the same, and will bring him to the crier, shall receive a reward of half a crown." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong : " Lost, stolen, or strayed, or otherwise conveyed, a brown and white King Charles's setter, as answers to the name of Jacob Jones. Whoever has found the same, or will give such information as shall lead to the detection and conversion of the offender or offenders, shall be handsomely rewarded." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong : " Lost, below the prewentive-service station, by a gentleman of great respectability— a pair of blue-knit pantaloons, containing eighteen pennyworth of copper — a steel pencil-case — a werry anonymous letter, and two keys. Whoever will bring the same to the crier shall receive a reward. — God save the King!" Then, as the hour of nine approached, what a concourse appeared ! There were fat and lean, and short and tall, and middling, going away, and fat and lean, and short and tall, and middling, waiting to see them off; Green, as usual, making himself con- spicuous, and canvassing everyone he could lay hold of for the Magnet steamer. At the end of the jetty, on each side, lay the Royal Adelaide and the Magnet, with as fierce a contest for patronage as ever was witnessed. Both decks were crowded with anxious faces — for the Monday's steamboat race is as great an event as a Derby, and a cockney would as Ueve lay on an outside horse as patronize a boat that was likely to let another pass her. Nay, so high is the enthusiasm carried, that books are regularly made on AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 133 the occasion, and there is as much clamour for bets as in the ring at Epsom or Newmarket. " Tonikins, I'll lay you a dinner — for three — Royal Adelaide against the Magnet^'' bawled Jenkins from the former boat. " Done," cries Tomkins. " The Magnet for a bottle of port," bawled out another. " A white-bait dinner for two, the Magnet reaches Greenwich first." " What should you know about the Magnet ? " inquires the mate of the Royal Adelaide. " Vy, I think I should know something about nauticals too, for Lord St. Wincent was my godfather." " I'll bet five shillings on the Royal Adelaide." " I'll take you," says another. " I'll bet a bottom of brandy on the Magnet" roars out the mate. " Two goes of Hollands, the Magnefs off Heme Bay before the Royal Adelaide." " I'll lay a pair of crimping-irons against five shillings, the Magnet beats the Royal Adelaide" bellowed out Green, who, having come on board had mounted the paddle-box. " I say. Green, I'll lay you an even five if you like." " Well, five pounds," cries Green. "No, shillings," says his friend. " Never bet shillings," replies Green, pulling up his shirt collar. " I'll bet fifty pounds," he adds, getting valiant. "I'll bet a hundred pounds — a thousand pounds- — a million pounds — half the national debt, if you like." Precisely as the jetty-clock finishes striking nine, the ropes are slipped, and the rival steamers stand out to sea with beautiful precision, amid the crying, the kissing of hands, the raising of hats, the waving of handkerchiefs, from those who are left for the week, while the passengers are cheered by adverse tunes from the respective bands on board. The Magnet, having the outside, gets the breeze first hand, but the Royal Adelaide keeps well alongside, and both firemen being deeply interested in the event, they boil up a tremendous gallop, without either being able to claim the slightest advantage 134 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES for upwards of an hour and a half, when the Royal Adelaide manages to shoot ahead for a few minutes, amid the cheers and exclamations of her crew. The Magnet's fireman, however, is on the alert, and a few extra pokes of the fire presently bring the boats together again, in which state they continue, nose and nose, until the stiller water of the side of the Thames favours the Magnet, and she shoots ahead amid the cheers and vociferations of her party, and is not neared again during the voyage. This excitement over, the respective crews sink into a sort of melancholy sedateness, and Green in vain endeavours to kick up a quadrille. The men were exhausted, and the women dispirited, and altogether they were a very different set of beings to what they were on the Saturday. Dull faces and dirty-white ducks were the order of the day. The only incident of the voyage was that, on approaching the mouth of the Medway, the Royal Adelaide was hailed by a vessel, and the Yorkshire- man, on looking overboard, was shocked to behold Mr. Jorrocks sitting in the stern of his hoy in the identical position he had taken up the previous day, with his bunch of seaweed under his elbow, and the remains of the knuckle of veal, ham, and chickens spread on the hamper before him. " Stop her ! " cried the Yorkshireman ; and then hailing Mr. Jorrocks, he holloaed out, " In the name of the prophet. Figs, what arc you doing there ? " " O gentleman ! gentleman ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, brightening up as he recognized the boat, "take compassion on a most misfortunate individual — here have I been in this 'orrid 'oy ever since three o'clock yesterday afternoon, and here I seem likely to end my days, — for blow me tight if I couldn't swim as fast as it goes." " Look sharp, then," cried the mate of the steamer, and chuck us up your luggage." Up went the seaweed, the hamper, and Mr. Jorrocks; AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 135 and before the hoyman awoke out of a nap, into which he had composed himself on resigning the rudder to his lad, our worthy citizen was steaming away a mile before his vessel, bilking him of his fare. Who does not recognize in this last disaster, the truth of the old adage ? — "Most haste, least speed." THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH " TORROCKS'S France, in three volumes, would J sound werry well," observed our worthy citizen one afternoon to his confidential companion the York- shire man, as they sat in the verandah in Coram Street, eating red currants and sipping cold whiskey-punch ; "and I thinks I could make something of it. They tells me that at the ' West End ' the booksellers will give forty pounds ^ for anything that will run into three wolumes, and one might soon pick up as much matter as would stretch into that quantity." The above observation was introduced in a long conversation between Mr. Jorrocks and his friend, relative to an indignity that had been offered him by the rejection by the Editor of a sporting periodical of a long treatise on Eels, which, independently of the singularity of diction, had become so attenuated in the handling, as to have every appearance of filling three whole numbers of the work ; and Mr. Jorrocks had determined to avenge the insult by turning author on his own account. The Yorkshireman, ever ready for amusement, cordially supported Mr. Jorrocks in his views, and a bargain was soon struck between them, the main stipulations of which were that Mr. Jorrocks should find cash, and the Yorkshireman should procure information. Accordingly, on the Saturday after, the nine o'clock Dover heavy drew up at the Bricklayers' Arms with ' It is a fact that such an impression prevails among many of the non-wuling portion of the population, and wiser men than Mr. Jorrocks have run away with the notion. 136 THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 137 Mr. Jorrocks on the box seat, and the Yorkshire-man imbedded among the usual heterogeneous assembly — soldiers, sailors, Frenchmen, fishermen, ladies' maids, and footmen — that compose the cargo of these coaches. Here they were assailed with the usual persecution from the tribe of Israel, in the shape of a hundred merchants, proclaiming the virtues of their wares ; one with black-lead pencils, twelve a shilling, with an invitation to " cut 'em and try 'em " ; another with a good pocket-knife, " twelve blades and a saw, sir " ; a third with a tame squirrel and a piping bull- finch that could whistle " God save the King " and "The White Cockade" — to be given for an old coat. " Buy a silver guard chain for your vatch, sir ! " cried a dark-eyed urchin, mounting the fore-wheel, and holding a bunch of them in Mr. Jorrocks's face ; " Buy pocket-book, memorandum book ! " whined another. " Keepsake — Forget-me-not — all the last year's annuals at half-price ! " " Sponge cheap, sponge ! take a piece, sir, — take a piece." " Patent leather straps." " Bar- celona nuts. Slippers. Morning Hurl (^Herald). Rhubarb. 'Andsome dog-collar, sir, cheap ! — do to fasten your wife up with ! " "Stand clear, ye warmints ! " cries the coachman, elbowing his way among them — and, remounting the box, he takes the whip and reins out of Mr. Jorrocks's hands, cries, " All right behind ? sit tight ! " and off they go. The day was fine, and the hearts of all seemed light and gay. The coach, though slow, was clean and smart, the harness bright and well-polished, while the sleek brown horses poked their heads about at ease, without the torture of the bearing-rein. The coachman, like his vehicle, was heavy, and had he been set on all fours, a party of six might have eat off his back. Thus they proceeded at a good steady substantial sort of pace ; trotting on level ground, walking up hills and dragging down inclines. Nor 138 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES among the whole party was there a murmur of dis- content at the pace. Most of the passengers seemed careless which way they went, so long as they did but move, and they rolled through the garden of England ^ with the most stoical indifference. We know not whether it has ever struck the reader, but the travellers by Dover coaches are less captious about pace than those on most others. And now let us fancy our friends up and down Shooter's Hill, through Dartford, Northfleet, and Gravesend — at which latter place, the first foreign symptom appears, in the words " Poste aux Chevaux," on the door-post of the inn ; and let us imagine them bowling down Rochester Hill at a somewhat amended pace, with the old castle, by the river Medway, the town of Chatham, Stroud, and Rochester full before them, and the finely-wooded country extending round in pleasing variety of hill and dale. As they reach the foot of the hill, the guard commences a solo on his bugle, to give notice to the innkeeper to have the coach dinner on the table, all huddled together, inside and out, long passengers and short ones, they cut across the bridge, rattle along the narrow street, sparking the mud from the newly- watered streets on the shop windows and passengers on each side, and pull up at the Pig and Cross-bow, with a jerk and a dash as though they had been travelling at the rate of twelve miles an hour. Two other coaches are " dining," while some few passengers, whose "hour is not yet come," sit patiently on the roof, or pace up and down the street with short and hurried turns, anxious to see the horses brought out that are to forward them on their journey. And what a commotion this new arrival creates ! From the arched doorway of the inn issue two chamber-maids, ' Kent has long been honoured with this title — -why, wc are at a loss to discover, unless it be the " kitchen garden " for supplying London with vegetables, etc. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 139 one in curls, the other in a cap ; boots, with both curls and a cap, and a ladder in his hand ; a knock- kneed waiter, with a dirty duster, to count noses ; while the neat landlady, in a spruce black silk gown and clean white apron, stands smirking, smiling, and rubbing her hands down her sides, inveigling the passengers into the house, where she will turn them over to the waiters to take their chance the instant she gets them in. About the door the usual idlers are assembled. A coachman out of place, a beggar out at the elbows, a sergeant in uniform, and three recruits with ribbons in their hats ; a captain with his boots cut for corns, the coachman that is to drive to Dover, a youth in a straw hat and a rowing shirt, the little inquisitive old man of the place — who sees all the mid-day coaches change horses, speculates on the passengers, and sees who the parcels are for — and though last not least, Mr. Bangup, the " varmint " man, the height of whose ambition is to be taken for a coachman. As the coach pulled up he was in the bar taking a glass of cold sherry "without" and a cigar, which latter he brings out lighted in his mouth, with his shaved white hat stuck knowingly on one side, and the thumbs of his brown hands thrust into the armholes of his waistcoat, throwing back his single-breasted fancy-buttoned green coat, and showing a cream-coloured cravat, fastened with a gold coach-and-four pin, which, with a buff waist- coat and tight drab trousers buttoning over the boot, complete his " toggery " as he would call it. His whiskers are large and riotous in the extreme, while his hair is clipped as close as a charity-school boy's. The coachman and he are on the best of terms, as the outward twist of their elbows and jerks of the head on meeting testify. His conversation is short and slangy, accompanied with the correct nasal twang. After standing and blowing a few puffs, during which time the passengers have all alighted, I40 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES and the coachman has got through the thick of his business, he takes the cigar out of his mouth, and, spitting on the flags, addresses his friend with, " Y've got the old near-side leader back from Joe, I see." "Yes, Mr. Bangup, yes," replies his friend, "but I had some work first — our gov'rnor was all for the change — at last, says I to our 'oss-keeper, says I, it ar'n't no use your harnessing that 'ere roan for me any more, for as how I von't drive him, so it's not to no use harnessing of him, for I von't be gammon'd out of my team not by none on them, therefore it ar'n't to never no use harnessing of him again for me." " So you did 'em," observes Mr. Bangup. " Lord bless ye, yes ! it warn't to no use aggravizing about it, for, says I, I von't stand it, so it warn't to no manner of use harnessing of him again for me." "Come, Smith, what are you chaffing there about?" inquires the landlord, coming out with the wide-spread way-bill in his hands, "have you two insides?" " No, gov'rnor, I has but von, and that's precious empty, haw ! haw ! haw ! " " Well, but now get Brown to blow his horn early, and you help to hurry the passengers away from my grub, and maybe I'll give you your dinner for your trouble," replies the land- lord, reckoning he would save both his meat and his horses by the experiment. " Ay, there goes the dinner!" added he, just as Mr. Jorrocks's voice was heard inside the Pig and Cross-bow, giving a most tremendous roar for his food. " Pork at the top, and pork at the bottom," the host observes to the waiter in passing, "and mind, put the joints before the women — they are slow carvers." While the foregoing scene was enacting outside, our travellers had been driven through the passage into a little dark dingy room at the back of the house, with a dirty, rain-bespattered window, looking against a white-washed, blank wall. The table, which was covered with a thrice-used cloth, was set out THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 141 with lumps of bread, knives, and two and three- pronged forks laid alternately. Altogether it was anything but inviting, but coach passengers are very complacent ; and on the Dover road it matters little if they are not. The bustle of preparation was soon over. Coats No. i, No. 2, and No. 3 are taken off in succession, for some people wear top-coats to keep out the "heat"; chins are released from their silken jeopardy, hats are hid in corners, and fur caps thrust into the pockets of the owners. Inside passengers eye outside ones with suspicion, while a deaf gentleman, who has left his trumpet in the coach, meets an acquaintance whom he has not seen for seven years, and can only shake hands and grin to the movements of the Hps of the speaker. " You find it very warm inside, I should think, sir?" "Thank ye, thank ye, my good friend; I'm rayther deaf, but I presume you're inquiring after my wife and daughters — they are very well, I thank ye." " Where will you sit at dinner ? " rejoins the first speaker, in hopes of a more successful hit. " It is two years since I saw him." " No ; where will you sit, sir ? I said." " Oh, John ? I beg your pardon — I'm rayther deaf — he's in Jamaica with his regiment." " Come, waiter, bring dinner ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks, at the top of his voice, being the identical shout that was heard outside ; and presently the two dishes of pork, a couple of ducks, and a lump of half-raw, sadly-mangled, cold roast beef, with waxy potatoes and overgrown cabbages, were scattered along the table. " What a beastly dinner ! " exclaims an inside dandy, in a sable-collared frock—" the whole place reeks with onions and vulgarity. Waiter, bring me a silver fork ! " " Allow me to dt/ck you, ma'am ? " inquires an outside passenger, in a facetious tone, of a female in a green silk cloak, as he turns the duck over in the dish. "Thank you, sir, but I've some pork coming." "Will you take some of this thingum- 142 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES bob?" turning a questionable-looking pig's counten- ance over in its pewter bed. " You are in consider- able danger, my friend — you are in considerable danger," drawls forth the superfine insider to an outsider opposite. "How's that?" inquires the former in alarm. " Why, you are eating with your knife, and you are in considerable danger of cutting your mouth." — What is the matter at the far end of the table? — a lady in russet brown, with a black velvet bonnet and a feather, in convulsions. She's choking, by Jove ! hit her on the back — gently, gently, — she's swallowed a fish-bone. " I'll lay five to two she dies," cried Mr. Bolus, the sporting doctor of Sittingbourne. She coughs — up comes a couple of tooth-picks, she having drunk off a green glass of them in mistake. " Now hark'e, waiter ! there's the guard blowing his horn, and we have scarcely had a bite apiece," cries Mr. Jorrocks, as that functionary sounded his instrument most energetically in the passage ; " blow me tight, if I stir before the half-hour's up, so he may blow till he's black in the face." "Take some cheese, sir?" inquires the waiter. '■'■No, surely not, some more pork and then some tarts." "Sorry, sir, we have no tarts we can recommend. Cheese is partiklar good." [Enter coachman, peeled down to a more moderate-sized man.] " Leaves ye here, if you please, sur." " With all my heart, my good friend." "Please to remember the coachman — driv ye thirty miles." "Yes, but you'll recollect how saucy you were about my wife's bonnet-box — there's sixpence between us for you." " Oh, sur ! I'm sure I didn't mean no unpurliteness. I 'opes you'll forget it; it was very aggravizing, certainly, but driv ye thirty miles. 'Opes you'll give a trifle more, thirty miles." "No, no, no more; so be off." "Please to remember the coachman, ma'am, thirty miles ! " " Leaves ye here, sur, if you THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 143 please ; goes no farther, sur ; thirty miles, ma'am ; all the vay from Lunnun, sur." A loud flourish on the bugle caused the remainder of the gathering to be made in dumb show, and having exhausted his wind the guard squeezed through the door, and with an extremely red face, assured the company that "time was h'up" and the "coach quite ready." Then out came the purses, brown, green, and blue, with the usual inquiry — "What's dinner, waiter?" " Two-and-six, dinner beer, three — two-and-nine yours," replied the knock- kneed caitiff to the first inquirer, pushing a blue- and-white plate under his nose; "yours is three-and- six, ma'am ; — two glasses of brandy-and-water, four shillings, if you please, sir — a bottle of real Devonshire cider." — "You must change me a sovereign," handing one out "Certainly, sir," upon which the waiter, giving it a loud ring upon the table, ran out of the room. " Now, gentlemen and ladies ; pray^ come, time's h'up — carn't wait — must go " — roars the guard, as the passengers shuffle themselves into their coats, cloaks, and cravats, and Joe " Boots " runs up the passage with the ladder for the lady. "Now, my dear Mrs. Sprat, good-bye — God bless you, and remember me most kindly to your husband and dear Httle ones — and pray, write soon," says an elderly lady, as she hugs and kisses a youngish one at the door, who has been staying with her for a week, during which time they have quarrelled regularly every night. "Have you all your things, dearest? three boxes, five parcels, an umbrella, a parasol, the cage for Tommy's canary, and the bundle in the red silk handkerchief — then good-bye, my beloved, step up — and now, Mr. Guard, you know where to set her down." " Good- bye, dearest Mrs. Jackson, all right, thank you," replies Mrs. Sprat, stepping up the ladder, and adjusting herself in the gammon board opposite the guard, the seat the last comer generally gets — "But 144 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES stay ! I've forgot my reticule — it's on the drawers in the bedroom — stop, coachman! I say guard!" " Carnt wait, ma'am — time's hup," — and just at this moment a two-horse coach is heard steahng up the street, upon which the coachman calls to the horse- keepers to "stand clear with their cloths, and take care no one pays them twice over," gives a whistling hiss to his leaders, the double thong to his wheelers, and starts off at a trot, muttering something about " cuss'd pair-'oss coach, — convict-looking passengers," observing confidentially to Mr. Jorrocks, as he turned the angle of the street, " that he would rather be hung off a long stage, than die a natural death on a short one," while the guard drowns the voices of the lady who has left her reticule, and of the gentleman who has got no change for his sovereign, in a hearty puff of— "Rule, Britannia, — Britannia, rule the waves, Britons, never, never, never, shall be slaves ! " Blithely and merrily, like all coach passengers after feeding, our party rolled steadily along, with occasional gibes at those they met or passed, such as telling waggoners their linch-pins were out, — carters' mates, there were nice pocket-knives lying on the road, — making urchins follow the coach for miles by holding up shillings and mock parcels, or simple equestrians dismount in a jiffy on telling them their horses' shoes were not all on "before."^ Towards the decline of the day, Dover heights appeared in view, with the stately castle guarding the channel, which, seen through the clear atmosphere of an autumnal even- ing, with the French coast conspicuous in the distance, had more the appearance of a wide river than a branch of the sea. The coachman mended his pace a little, as he bowled along the gentle descents or rounded the *This is more of a hunting-field joke than a real one. " Have I all my shoes on ? " " They are not all on before." THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 145 base of some lofty hill, and, pulling up at Lydden, took a glass of soda-water and brandy, while four strapping greys, with highly-polished, richly-plated harness, and hollyhocks at their heads, were put to, to trot the last few miles into Dover. Paying-time being near, the guard began to do the amiable — hoped Mrs. Sprat had ridden comfortable ; and the coachman turned to the gentleman whose sovereign was left behind to assure him he would bring his change the next day, and was much comforted by the assurance that he was on his way to Italy for the winter. As the coach approached Charlton gate, the guard flourished his bugle and again struck up " Rule Britannia," which lasted the whole breadth of the market-place, and length of Snargate Street, drawing from J\lr. Muddle's shop the few loiterers who yet remained, and causing Mr. Le Plastrier, the patriotic moth impaler, to suspend the examination of the bowels of a watch, as they rattled past his window. At the door of the Ship Hotel, the canary-coloured coach of Mr. Wright, the landlord, with four piebald horses, was in waiting for him to take his evening drive, and Mrs. Wright's pony phaeton, with a neat tiger in a blue frock-coat and leathers, was also stationed behind, to convey her a few miles on the London Road. Of course the equipages of such important personages could not be expected to move for a common stage-coach, consequently it pulled up a few yards from the door. It is melancholy to think that so much spirit should have gone unrewarded, or in other words, that Mr. Wright should have gone wrong in his affairs — Mrs. Ramsbottom said she never understood the meaning of the term, "The Crown, and Bill of Rights (Wright's)," until she went to Rochester. Many people, we doubt not, retain a lively recollection of the '''bill of Wright's of Dover." But to our travellers. " Now, sir : this be Dover, that be the Ship, I be 10 146 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES the coachman, and we goes no farther," observed the amphibious-looking coachman, in a pea-jacket and top-boots, to Mr. Jorrocks, who still kept his seat on the box, as if he expected, that because they booked people "through to Paris" at the coach-office in London, that the vehicle crossed the channel and conveyed them on the other side. At this intima- tion, Mr. Jorrocks clambered down, and was speedily surrounded by touts and captains of vessels soliciting his custom. "Bon jour, me Lor'," said a gaunt French sailor in ear-rings, and a blue-and-white Jersey shirt, taking off a red night-cap with mock politeness, " you shall be cross." " What's that about ? " inquires Mr. Jorrocks — "cross! what does the chap mean?" "Ten shillin', just, me Lor',' replied the man. "Cross for ten shillings," muttered Mr. Jorrocks, "vot does the Mouncheer mean? Hope he hasn't picked my pocket." " I — you — vill," said the sailor, slowly, using his fingers to enforce his meaning, " take to France," pointing south, " for ten shillin' in my batteau, me Lor'," continued the sailor, with a grin of satisfaction, as he saw Mr. Jorrocks began to comprehend him. " Ah ! I twig — you'll take me across the water," said our citizen, chuckling at the idea of understanding French and being called a Lord — " for ten shillings — a half-sovereign, in fact." " Don't go with him, sir," interrupted a Dutch-built English tar; "he's got nothing but a lousy lugger that will be all to-morrow in getting over, if it ever gets at all ; and the Royal George, superb steamer, sails with a king's messenger and despatches for all the foreign courts at half-past ten, and must be across by twelve, whether it can or not." "Please take a card for the Brocklebank — quickest steamer out of Dover — winds made expressly to suit her, and she can beat the Royal George like winking. Passengers never sick in the most uproarious weather," cried another tout, running the corner of his card into THE ROAD : ENGLISH AND FRENCH 147 Mr. Jorrocks's eye to engage his attention. Then came the captain of the French mail-packet, who was dressed much hke a new policeman, with an em- broidered collar to his coat, and a broad red band round a forage-cap which he raised with great politeness, as he entreated Mr. Jorrocks's patronage of his high-pressure engine, " vich had beat a balloon, and vod take him for half less than noting." A crowd collected, in the centre of which stood Mr. Jorrocks perfectly unmoved, with his wig awry and his carpet- bag under his arm. " Gentlemen," said he, extending his right hand, "you seem to me to be desperately civil — your ///rliteness appears to know no bounds — but, to be candid with you, I beg to say that whoever will carry me across the herring pond cheapest shall have my custom, so now begin and bid downwards." "Nine shillings," said an Englishman, directly — "eight," replied a Frenchman — " seven - and - six- pence " — " seven shillings " — " six-and-sixpence " — "six shillings" — " five-and-sixpence ; " at last it came down to five shillings, at which there were two bidders, the French captain and the tout of the Royal George, — and Mr. Jorrocks, like a true-born Briton, promised his patronage to the latter, at which the Frenchmen shrugged up their shoulders, and burst out a laughing, one calling him " my Lor' Rosbif," and the other " Monsieur God-dem," as they walked off in search of other victims. None but the natives of Dover can tell what the weather is, unless the wind comes directly off the sea, and it was not until Mr. Jorrocks proceeded to embark, after breakfast the next morning, that he ascertained there was a heavy swell on, so quiet had the heights kept the gambols of Boreas. Three steamers were simmering into action on the London Hotel side of the harbour, in one of which — the Royal George — two britchkas and a barouche were lashed ready for sea, while the custom-house porters 148 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES were trundling barrows full of luggage under the personal superintendence of a little shock-headed French commissionnaire of Mr. Wright's in a gold- laced cap, and the other gentry of the same profession from the different inns. As the Royal George lay nearly level with the quay, Mr. Jorrocks stepped on board without troubling himself to risk his shins among the steps of a ladder that was considerately thrust into the place of embarkation ; and as soon as he set foot upon deck, of course he was besieged by the usual myriad of landsharks. First came Monsieur the commissionnaire with his book, out of which he enumerated two portmanteaus and two carpet-bags, for each of which he made a specific charge, leaving his own gratuity optional with his employer ; then came Mr. Boots to ask for something for showing them the way; after him the porter of the inn for carrying their cloaks and greatcoats, all of which Mr. Jorrocks submitted to, most philosophically, but when the interpreter of the deaf-and-dumb ladderman defnanded something for the use of the ladder, his indignation got the better of him, and he exclaimed, loud enough to be heard by all on deck, " Surely you wouldn't charge a man for what he has not enjoyed ! " A voyage is to many people like taking an emetic — they look at the medicine and wish it well over, and look at the sea and wish themselves well over. Everything looked bright and gay at Dover — the cliff seemed whiter than ever — the sailors had on clean trousers, and the few people that appeared in the streets were dressed in their Sunday best. The cart- horses were seen feeding leisurely on the hills, and there was a placid calmness about everything on shore, which the travellers would fain have extended to the sea. They came slowly and solemnly upon deck, muffled up in cloaks and coats, some with their passage-money in their hands, and took their places apparently with the full expectation of being sick. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 149 The French packet-boat first gave symptoms of animation, in the shape of a few vigorous puffs from the boiler, which were responded to by the Royal George, whose rope was slipped without the usual tinkle of the bell, and she shot out to sea, closely followed by the Frenchman, who was succeeded by the other English boat. Three or four«tremendous long protracted dives, each followed by a majestic rise on the bosom of the waves, denoted the crossing of the bar ; and just as the creaking of the cordage, the flapping of the sails, and the nervous quivering of the paddles, as they lost their hold of the water, were in full vigour, the mate crossed the deck with a large white basin in his hand, the sight of which turned the stomachs of half the passengers. Who shall describe the misery that ensued ? The groans and moans of the sufferers increasing every minute, as the vessel heaved and dived, and rolled and creaked, while hand-basins multiplied as half-sick passengers caught the green countenance and fixed eye of some prostrate sufferer, and were overcome themselves. Mr. Jorrocks, what with his Margate trips, and a most substantial breakfast of beef-steaks and porter, tea, eggs, muffins, prawns, and fried ham, held out as long as anybody — indeed, at one time the odds were that he would not be sick at all ; and he kept walking up and down deck like a true British tar. In one of his turns he was observed to make a full stop. — Immediately before the boiler, his eye caught a cadaverous-looking countenance that rose between the top of a blue camlet cloak and the bottom of a green travelling-cap, with a large patent-leather peak ; he was certain that he knew it, and, somehow or other, he thought not favourably. The passenger was in that happy mood just debating whether he should hold out against sickness any longer or resign himself unreservedly to its horrors, when Mr. Jorrocks's I50 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES eye encountered his, and the meeting did not appear to contribute to his happiness. Mr. Jorrocks paused and looked at him steadily for some seconds, during which time his thoughts made a rapid cast over his memory. " Sergeant Bumptious, by gum ! " exclaimed he, giving his thigh a hearty slap, as the deeply- indented pockmarks on the learned gentleman's face betrayed his identity. " Sergeant," said he, going up to him, " I'm werry 'appy to see ye — maybe in the course of your practice at Croydon, you've heard that there are more times than one to catch a thief." " Who are you?" inquired the sergeant with a growl, just at which moment the boat gave a roll, and he wound up the inquiry by a donation to the fishes. " Who am I ? " replied Mr. Jorrocks as soon as he was done, " I'll soon tell ye that — I'm Mr. Jorrocks ! — Jorrocks wersus Cheetum, in fact — and now that you have got your bullying toggery off, I'll be 'appy to fight ye either by land or sea." " Oh-h-h-h ! " groaned the sergeant at the mention of the latter word, and thereupon he put his head over the boat and paid his second subscription. Mr. Jorrocks stood eyeing him, and when the sergeant recovered, he observed with apparent mildness and compassion, " Now, my dear sergeant, to show ye that I can return good for evil, allow me to f^tch you a nice 'ot mutton-chop ! " " Oh-h-h-h-h I " groaned the sergeant, as though he would die. " Or perhaps you'd prefer a cut of boiled beef with yellow fat, and a dab of cal)bage ? " an alternative which was too powerful for the worthy citizen himself — for, like Sterne with his captive, he had drawn a picture that his own imagination could not sustain — and, in at- tempting to reach the side of the boat, he cascaded over the sergeant, and they rolled over each other, senseless and helpless, upon deck. ** Mew, mew," screamed the sea-gulls ; — " creak, creak," went the cordage ; — " flop, flop," went the THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 151 sails ; round went the white basins, and the steward with the mop ; and few passengers would have cared to have gone overboard, when at the end of three hours' misery, the captain proclaimed that they were running into still water off Boulogne. This intimation was followed by the collection of the passage-money by the mate, and the jingling of a tin box by the steward, under the noses of the party, for perquisites for the crew. Jorrocks and the sergeant lay together like babes in the wood until they were roused by this operation, when, with a parting growl at his companion, Mr. Jorrocks got up ; and though he had an idea in his own mind that a man had better live abroad all his life than encounter such misery as he had undergone, for the purpose of returning to England, he recollected his intended work upon France, and began to make his observations upon the town of Boulogne, towards which the vessel was rapidly steaming. "Not half so fine as Margate," said he ; " the houses seem all afraid of the sea, and turn their ends to it instead of fronting it, except yon great white place which I suppose is the baths ; " and, taking his hunting telescope out of his pocket, he stuck out his legs and prepared to make an ob- servation. " How the people are swarming down to see us ! " he exclaimed. " I see!such a load of petti- coats — glad Mrs. J. an't with us ; may have some fun here, I guess. Dear me, wot lovely women ! wot ankles ! beat the English, hollow — would give some- thing to be a single man ! " While he made these remarks, the boat ran up the harbour in good style, to the evident gratification of the multitude who lined the pier from end to end, and followed her in her passage. ''■Ease her! stop her!''' at last cried the Captain, as she got opposite a low wooden guard- house, midway down the port. A few strokes of the paddles sent her up to the quay, some ropes were run from each end of the guard-house down to 152 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES the boat, within which space no one was admitted except about a dozen soldiers or custom-house officers — in green coats, white trousers, black sugar-loaf " caps," and having swords l)y their sides — and some thick-legged fisherwomen, with long gold ear-rings, to lower the ladder for disembarkation. The idlers, that is to say, all the inhabitants of Boulogne, range themselves outside the ropes, on foot, horseback, in carriages, or anyhow, to take the chance of seeing someone they know, to laugh at the melancholy looks of those who have been sick, and to criticize the company, who are turned into the guarded space like a flock of sheep before them. Mr. Jorrocks, having scaled the ladder, gave himself a hearty and congratulatory shake on again finding him- self on terra firtna, and, sticking his hat jauntily on one side, as though he didn't know what sea-sickness was, proceeded to run his eye along the spectators on one side of the ropes ; when presently he was heard to exclaim, " My vig, there's Thompson ! He owes us a hundred pounds, and has been doing these three years." And thereupon he bolted up to a fine-looking young fellow — with mustachios, in a hussar foraging- cap stuck on one side of his head, dressed in a black velvet shooting-jacket, and with half a jeweller's shop about him in the way of chains, brooches, rings, and buttons — who had brought a good-looking bay- horse to bear with his chest against the cords. " Thompson," said Mr. Jorrocks, in a firm tone of voice, " how are you ? " " How do ye do. Mister Jorrocks," drawled out the latter, taking a cigar from his mouth, and puffing a cloud of smoke over the grocer's head. " Well, I'm werry well, but I should like to have a few moments' conversation with you." " Would ye ? " said Thompson, blowing another cloud. " Yes, I would ; you remember that 'ere little bill you got .Simpkins to discount for you one day when I was absent ; we have had it by us a long time now, and THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 153 it is about time you were taking it up." "You think so, do you, Mister Jorrocks ; can't you renew it? I'll give you a draft on Aldgate pump for the amount." ''Come, none of your funning with me, I've had enough of your nonsense; give me my pewter, or I'll have that horse from under you ; for though it has got the hair rubbed off its near knee, it will do werry well to carry me with the Surrey occasionally." "You old fool," said Thompson, " you forget where you are ; if I could pay your little bill, do you suppose I would be here? You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip, can ye ? But I'll tell you what, my covey, if I can't give you satisfaction in money, you shall give me the satisfaction of a gentle- man if you don't take care what you are about, you old tinker. By Jove, I'll order pistols and coffee for two to-morrow morning at Napoleon's column, and let the daylight through your carcass, if you utter another syllable about the bill. Why, now, you stare as Balaam did at his ass, when he found it capable of holding an argument with him." And, true enough, Jorrocks was dumbfoundered at this sort of reply from a creditor, it not being at all in accordance with the " Lex mercatoria," or law of merchants, and quite unknown on 'Change. Before, however, he had time to recover his surprise, all the passengers having entered the roped area, one of the green-coated gentry gave him a polite twist by the coat-tail, and with a wave of the hand and bend of his body, beckoned him to proceed with the crowd into the guard-house. After passing an outer room, they entered the bureau by a door in the middle of a wooden partition, where two men were sitting with pens ready to enter the names of the arrivers in ledgers. " Votre nom et designation ? " said one of them to Mr. Jorrocks — who, with a bad start, had managed to squeeze in first — to which Mr. Jorrocks shook his 154 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES head. " Sare, what's your name, sare ? " inquired the same personage. "Jorrocks," was the answer, delivered with great emphasis, and thereupon the secretary wrote " Shorrock." — " Monsieur Shorrock," said he, looking up, " votre profession. Monsieur ? Vot you are, sir ? " "A grocer," replied Mr. Jorrocks, which caused a titter from those behind who meant to sink the shop. " Marchand-Epicier," wrote the bureau-keeper. "Quel age avez-vous, Monsieur? How old you are, sare?" "Two pound twelve," replied Mr. Jorrocks, surprised at his inquisitiveness. " No, sare, not vot monnay you have, sare, bot how old you are, sare ? " " Well, two pound twelve, fifty- two in fact." Mr. Jorrocks was then passed out, to take his chance among the touts and commissionnaires of the various hotels, who are enough to pull passengers to pieces in their solicitations for custom. In Boulogne, however, no man with money is ever short of friends ; and Thompson having given the hint to two or three acquaintances as he rode up street, there were no end of broken-down sportsmen, levanters, and gentlemen who live on the interest of what they owe other people, waiting to receive Mr. Jorrocks. The greetings on their parts were most cordial and enthusiastic, and even some who were in his books did not hesitate to hail him ; the majority of the party, however, was composed of those with whom he had at various times and places enjoyed the sports of the field, but whom he had never missed until they met at Boulogne. Their inquiries were business-like and familiar ! — " How are ye, Jorrocks ? " cried one, holding out both hands ; " How are ye, my lad of wax ? Do you still play billiards? — Give you nine, and play you for a Nap." " Come to my house this evening, old boy, and take a hand at whist for old acquaintance' sake," urged the friend on his left ; " got some rare cognac, and a box of beautiful Havannahs." " No, Jorrocks, THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 155 — dine with me," said a third, "and play chicken- hazard," " Don't" said a fourth, confidentially, " he'll fleece ye like fun." " Let me put your name down to our Pigeon Club ; only a guinea entrance and a guinea subscription — nothing to a rich man like you." " Have you any coin to lend on unexceptionable personal security, with a power of killing and selling your man if he don't pay ? " inquired another. "Are they going to abolish the law of arrest ? 'twould be very convenient if they did." " Will you discount me a bill at three months ? " " Is B — out of the Bench yet ? " " Who do they call Nodding Homer in your hunt ? " " O gentlemen, gentlemen ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks, " go it gently, go it gently ! Consider the day is 'ot, I'm almost out of breath, and faint for want of food. I've come all the way from Angletear, as we say in France, and lost my breakfast on the woyage. Where is there an inn where I can recruit my famished frame ? What's this ? " looking up at a sign, " '■ Done a boar i?i a man^er^ what does this mean ? — where's my French dictionary ? I've heard that boar is very good to eat." " Yes, but this boar is to drink," said a friend on the right; "but you must not put up at a house of that sort ; come to the Hotel d'Orleans, where all the best fellows and men of consequence go, a celebrated house in the days of the Boulogne Hunt. Ah, that was the time, Mr. Jorrocks ! we lived like fighting-cocks then ; you should have been among us, such a rollicking set of dogs ! could hunt all day, race maggots and drink claret all night, and take an occasional by-day with the hounds on a Sunday. Can't do that with the Surrey, I guess. There's the Hotel d'Orleans," pointing to it as they turned the corner of the street ; "splendid house it is. I've no interest in taking you there, don't suppose so ; but the sun of its greatness is fast setting — there's no such shaking of elbows as there used to be — the I O U system knocked that up. 156 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES Still, you'll be very comfortable ; a bit of carpet by your bedside, curtains to your windows, a pie-dish to wash in, a clean towel ever>' third day, and as many friends to dine with you as ever you like — no want of company in Boulogne, I assure you. Here, Mr. W.," addressing the innkeeper who appeared at the door, "this is the very celebrated Mr. Jorrocks, of whom ■we have all heard so much, — take him and use him as you would your own son ; and, hark ye (aside), dorit forgot I brought him." "Garj w u C w o u CO W c w < Pi o o p.. K OS D X a D ■J < (4 < < Ed O u ^j Z O < u f, ?; < OS IJh Q ►J f , --; OS a >• O < u « ?. 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Mr. Jorrocks, indeed, indifferent as he is to the affairs of the turf, could not suppress his " conwiction " of the difference between the flibberty-gibberty appear- ance of the Frenchmen, and the quiet, easy, close- sitting jockeys of Newmarket. The former all legs and elbows, spurting and pushing to the front at starting, in tawdry, faded jackets, and nankeen shorts, just like the frowsy door - keepers of an Epsom gambling- booth ; the latter in clean, neat -fitting leathers, well-cleaned boots, spick and span new jackets, feeling their horses' mouths, quietly in the rear, with their whip hands resting on their thighs. Then such riding ! A hulking Norman with his knees up to his chin, and a long, lean, half-starved looking Frenchman set astride like a pair of tongs, with a wet sponge applied to his knees before starting, followed by a runaway English stable lad, in white cords and drab gaiters, and half a dozen others equally singular, spurring and tearing round and round, throwing the gravel and sand into each other's faces, until the field was so separated as to render it difficult to say which was leading and which was tailing, for it is one of the rules of their races, that each heat must be run in a certain time, consequently, though all the horses may be distanced, the winner keeps working away. Then what an absence of interest and enthusiasm on the part of the spectators ! Three-fourths of them did not know where the horses started, scarcely a man knew their names, and the few ten penny bets that were made, were sported upon the colour of the jackets. A Frenchman has no notion of racing, and it is on record that after a heat in which the winning horse, after making a waiting SPORTING IN FRANCE 201 race, ran in at the finish, a Parisian observed, that " although ' Annette ' had won at the finish, he thought the greater honour was due to ' Hercule,' he having kept the lead the greater part of the dis- tance." On someone explaining to him that the jockey on "Annette" had purposely made a waiting race, he was totally incredulous, asserting that he was sure the jockeys had too much amour propre to remain in the rear at any part of the race, when they might be in front.^ "Moderate sport," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, curling his mustachios, and jingling a handful of five- franc pieces in the pocket of his leathers, — " moderate sport indeed," and therefore he turned his back to the course and walked the Countess off towards the cab. From beneath a low, tenth-rate looking booth, called "The Cottage of Content," supported by poles placed on the stunted trees of the avenue, and ex- hibiting on a blue board, "John Jones, dealer in British beer," in gilt letters, there issued the sound of voices clamouring about odds and weights and scales ; and on looking in, a score of ragamuffin-look- ing grooms, imitation jockeys, and the usual hangers- on of race-horses and livery-stables, were seen drinking beer, smoking, playing at cards, dice, and chuck- farthing. Before the well-patched canvas curtain that flapped before the entrance, a crowd had collected round one of the horses which was in the care of five or six fellows, one to hold him, another to whistle to him, a third to whisk the flies away with a horse's tail, a fourth to scrape him, a fifth to rinse his mouth out, — while the stud-groom, a tall, gaunt, hairy-looking fellow, in his shirt sleeves, with ear-rings, a blue apron and trousers (more like a gardener than a groom), walked round and round with mystified dignity, sacreing and muttering, " Ne parlez pas, ne parlez pas," as anyone approached who seemed likely ^ New Sporting Magazine, vol. vii. p. 139. 202 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES to ask questions. Mr. Jorrocks, having well ascer- tained the importance of his hat and feather, pushed his way with the greatest coolness into the ring, just to cast his eye over the horse and see whether he was fit to go with the Surrey, and the stud-groom immediately took off his lavender-coloured foraging cap, and made two profound salaams, one to the Colonel, the other to the Countess. Mr Jorrocks, all politeness, took off his chapeau, and no sooner was it in the air, than with a wild exclamation of surprise and delight, the groom screamed, "O Monsieur Shorrock, mon ami comment vous portez- vous?" threw his arms round the Colonel's neck, and kissed him on each cheek. " Hold ! " roared the Colonel, half smothered in the embrace, and, disengaging himself, he drew back a few paces, putting his hand on the hilt of his sword, when in the training groom of Paris he recognized his friend the Baron of Newmarket. The abruptness of the incident disarmed Mr. Jorrocks of reflection, and being a man of impulse and warm affections, he at once forgave the novelty of the embrace, and most cordially joined hands with those of his friend. They then struck up a mixture of broken English, and equally broken French, in mutual inquiries after each other's healths and movements, and presuming that Mr. Jorrocks was following up the sporting trade in Paris, the Baron most considerately gave him his best recommendations which horse to back, kindly betting with him himself, but, unfortunately, at each time assigning Mr. Jorrocks the losing horse. At length, being completely cleaned out, he declined any further transactions, and having got the Countess into the cab, was in the act of climbing in himself, when someone took him by the sword as he was hoisting himself up by the wooden apron, and drew him back to the ground. " Holloa, Stubbs, my boy ! " cried he, "I'm werry 'appy to see ye," holding out SPORTING IN FRANCE 203 his hand, and thereupon Mr. Stubbs took off his hat to the Countess. " Well, now, the deuce be in these French," observed Mr. Jorrocks, confidentially, in an undertone, as, resigning the reins to Agamemnon, he put his arm through the Yorkshireman's, and drew out of hearing of the Countess behind the cab — " the deuce be in them, I say. There's that beggarly Baron as we met at Newmarket, has just diddled me out of four naps and a half, by getting me to back 'osses that he said were certain to win, and I really don't know how we are to make ' tongue and buckle ' meet, as the coachmen say. Somehow or other they are far too sharp for me. Cards, dominoes, dice, back- gammon, and racing, all one — they inwariably beat me, and I declare I haven't as much pewter as will coach me to Calais." The Yorkshireman, as may be supposed, was not in a condition to offer any great pecuniary assistance ; but after a turn or two along the mound, he felt it would be a reproach on his country, if he suffered his friend to be done by a Frenchman, and on consideration he thought of a trick that Monsieur would not be up to. Accordingly desiring Mr. Jorrocks to take him to the Baron, and behave with great cordiality, and agree to the proposal he should make, they set off in search of that worthy, who, after some trouble, they discovered in the "Cottage of Content," entertaining John Jones and his comrades with an account of the manner in which he had fleeced Monsieur Shorrock. The Yorkshire- man met him with the greatest delight, shook hands with him over and over again, and then began talking about racing, pigeon-shooting, and Newmarket, pre- tended to be full of money and very anxious for the Baron's advice in laying it out. On hearing this, the Baron beckoned him to retire, and joining him in the avenue, walked him up and down, while he recommended his backing a horse that was notoriously amiss. The Yorkshireman consented, lost a nap 204 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES with great good humour, and banteringly told the Baron he thought he could beat the horse on foot. This led them to talk of foot-racing, and at last the Yorkshireman offered to bet that Mr. Jorrocks would run fifty yards with him on his back before the Baron would run a hundred. Upon this the Baron scratched his head and looked very knowing, pretended to make a calculation, when the Yorkshireman affected fear, and professed his readiness to withdraw the offer. The Baron then plucked up his courage, and after some haggling, the match was made for six naps, the Yorkshireman reckoning the Baron might have ten francs in addition to what he had won of Mr. Jorrocks and himself The money was then deposited in the hands of the Countess Benvolio, and away went the trio to the "Cottage of Content," to get men and ropes to measure and keep the ground. The English jockeys and lads, though ready enough to pigeon a countryman themselves, have no notion of assisting a foreigner to do so, unless they share in the spoil, and the Baron being a notorious screw, they all seemed heartily glad to find him in a trap. Out then they all sallied, amid cheers and shouts, while John Jones, with a yard-wand in his hand, proceeded to measure a hundred yards along the low side of the mound. This species of amusement being far more in accordance with the taste of the French than any- thing in which horses are concerned, an immense mob flocked to the scene, and the Baron having explained how it was, and being considered a safe man to follow, numerous offers were made to bet against the performance of the match. The York- shireman, being a youth of discretion and accustomed to bet among strangers, got on five naps more with different parties, who, to "prevent accidents," sub- mitted to deposit the money with the Countess, and all things being adjusted, and the course cleared by a picket of infantry, Mr. Jorrocks ungirded his sword SPORTING IN FRANCE 205 and depositing it with his frock - coat in the cab, walked up to the fifty yards he was to have for start. "Now, Colonel," said the Yorkshireman, backing him to the mound, so that he might leap on without shaking him, "put your best leg first, and it's a hollow thing; "if you don't fall, you must wi'm" — and there- upon taking Mr. Jorrocks's cocked hat and feather from his head, he put it sideways on his own, so that he might not be recognized, and mounted his man. Mr. Jorrocks then took his place as directed by John Jones, and at a signal from him — the dropping of a blue cotton handkerchief — away they started amid the shouts, the clapping of hands, and applause of the spectators, who covered the mound and lined the course on either side. Mr. Jorrocks's action was not very capital, his jack-boots and leathers rather impeding his limbs, while the Baron had as little on him as decency would allow. The Yorkshireman feeling his man rather roll at the start, again cautioned him to take it easy, and after a dozen yards he got into a capital run, and though the lanky Baron came tearing along like an ill-fed greyhound, Mr. Jorrocks had full two yards to spare, and ran past the soldier, who stood with his cap on his bayonet as a winning- post, amid the applause of his backers, the yells of his opponents, and the general acclamation of the spectators. The Countess, anticipating the victory of her hero, had despatched Agamemnon early in the day for a chaplet of red and yellow immortelles, and having switched the old cab horse up to the winning-post, she gracefully descended, without showing' more of her foot and ankle than was strictly correct, and decorated his brow with the wreath, as the Yorkshire- man dismounted. Enthusiasm being always the order of the day in France, this act was greeted with the loudest acclamations, and, without giving him time to recover his wind, the populace bundled 2o6 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES Mr. Jorrocks neck and shoulders into the cab, and, seizing the old horse by the head, paraded him down the entire length of the Champ de Mars, Mr. Jorrocks bowing and kissing his hands to the assembled multitude, in return for the vivas ! the clapping of hands, and the waving of ribbons and handkerchiefs that greeted him as he went. Popularity is but a fickle goddess, and in no country more fickle than in France. Ere the pro- cession reached the end of the dusty plain, the mob had tailed off very considerably, and as the leader of the old white horse pulled him round to return, a fresh commotion in the distance, caused by the apprehension of a couple of pickpockets, drew away the few followers that remained, and the recently- applauded and belauded Mr. Jorrocks was left alone m his glory. He then pulled up, and taking the chaplet of inwiortelles from his brow, thrust it under the driving cushion of the cab, and proceeded to reinstate himself in his tight military frock, regird himself with his sword, and resume the cocked hat and feather. Nothing was too good for Mr. Stubbs at that moment, and, had a pen and ink been ready, Mr. Jorrocks would have endorsed him a bill for any amount. Having completed his toilette, he gave the Yorkshireman the vacant seat in the cab, flopped the old horse well about the ears with the pig-driving whip, and trotted briskly up the line he had recently passed in triumphal procession, and wormed his way among the crowd in search of the Countess. There was nothing, however, to be seen of her, and after driving about, and poking his way on foot into all the crowds he could find, bolting up to every lady in blue, he looked at his great double-cased gold repeater, and finding it was near three o'clock and recollecting the fete of St. Cloud, concluded her ladyship must have gone on, and Agamemnon, being anxious to SPORTING IN FRANCE 207 see it, of course was of the same opinion, so again flopping the old horse about the ears, he cut away down the Champ de Mars, and, by the direction of Agamemnon, crossed the Seine by the Pont des Invalides, and gained the route to Versailles. Here the genius of the people was apparent, for the road swarmed with voitures of every description, diligences, gondoles, co-cous, cabs, fiacres, omnibuses, dame-blanches, all rolling and rumbling along, occa- sionally interrupted by the lilting and tilting of a light English cab or tilbury, drawn by a thorough-bred, and driven by a dandy. The spirit of the old white horse even seemed roused, as he got among the carriages, and heard the tramping of hoofs and the jingling of bells round the necks of other horses, and he applied himself to the shafts with a vigour his enfeebled- looking frame appeared incapable of supplying. So they trotted on, and after a mile travelling at a foot's pace after they got into close line, they reached the porte Maillot, and, resigning the cab to the discretion of Agamemnon, Mr. Jorrocks got himself brushed over by one of the gentry who ply in that profession at all public places, and tucking his sword under one arm, he thrust the other through Mr. Stubbs's, and, John-BuU-like, strutted up the long broad grass avenue, through the low part of the wood of St. Cloud, as if all he saw belonged to himself. The scene was splendid, and nature, art, and the weather appeared confederated for effect. On the lofty heights arose the stately palace, looking down with placid grandeur on the full foliage of the venerable trees, over the beautiful gardens, the spouting fountains, the rushing cascades, and the gay and countless myriads that swarmed the avenues, while the circling river flowed calmly on, without a ripple on its surface, as if in ridicule of the sound of trumpets, the clang of cymbals, and the beat of drums that rent the air around. 2o8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES Along the broad avenue were ranged shows of every description — wild beasts, giants, jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and monsters, while in spots sheltered from the sun by lofty trees were dancing places, swings, round-abouts, archery-butts, pistol- ranges, ball-kicking, and head-thumping places, montagnes-Suisses, all the concomitants of fairs and fetes — beating " Bartlemy-fair," as Mr. Jorrocks candidly confessed, all to nothing. The chance of meeting the Countess Benvolio in such a multitude was very remote indeed, but, to tell the truth, Mr. Jorrocks never once thought of her, until having eat a couple of cold fowls and drunk a bottle of porter, at an English booth, he felt in his pocket for his purse, and remembered it was in her keeping. Mr. Stubbs, however, settled the account, and in high glee Mr. Jorrocks resumed his peregrinations, visiting first one show, then another, shooting with pea-guns, then dancing a quadrille, until he was brought up short, before a splendid green and gold round-about, whose magic circle contained two lions, two swans, two black horses, a tiger, and a giraffe. " Let's have a ride," said he, jumping on to one of the black horses, and adjusting the stirrups to his length. The party was soon made up, and as the last comer crossed his tiger, the engine was propelled by the boys in the centre, and away they went at Derby pace. In six rounds Mr. Jorrocks lost his head, turned completely giddy, and bellowed out to them to stop. They took no heed — all the rest were used to it — and, after divers yells and ineffectual efforts to dismount, he fell to the ground like a sack. The machine was in full work at the time, and swept round three or four times before they could stop it. At last Mr. Stubbs got to him, and a pitiful plight he was in. He had fallen on his head, broken his feather, crushed his " chapeau bras," lost his mustachios, was as pale as SPORTING IN FRANCE 209 death, and very sick. Fortunately the accident happened near the gate leading to the town of St. Cloud, and thither, with the aid of two gendarmes, Mr. Stubbs conveyed the fallen hero, and having put him to bed at the Hotel d'Angleterre, he sent for a " mddecin," who of course shook his head, looked very wise, ordered him to drink warm water — a never-failing specific in France — and keep quiet. Finding he had an Englishman for a patient, the " mt^decin " dropped in every two hours, always concluding with the order " encore I'eau chaud." A good sleep did more for Mr. Jorrocks than the doctor, and when the " m(5decin " called in the morning, and repeated the injunction " encore I'eau chaud," he bellowed out, " Cuss your I'eau chaud, my stomach arn't a reserwoir ! give me some wittles ! " The return of his appetite being a most favourable symptom, Mr. Stubbs discharged the doctor, and forthwith ordered a " dejeuner h. la fourchette," to which Mr. Jorrocks did pretty fair justice, though trifling in comparison with his usual performances. They then got into a Versailles diligence that stopped at the door, and, rattling along at a merry pace, very soon reached Paris and the Rue des Mauvais- Gar(jons. " Come up and see the Countess," said Mr. Jorrocks, as they arrived at the bottom of the dirty flight of stairs, and, with his hands behind his back and his sword dragging at his heels, he poked upstairs, and, opening the outer door, entered the apartment. He passed through the small ante-room, without observ- ing his portmanteau and carpet-bag on the table, and there being no symptoms of the Countess in the next one, he walked forward into the bedroom beyond. Before an English fireplace that Mr. Jorrocks him- self had been at the expense of providing, snugly ensconced in the luxurious depths of a well-cushioned 14 2IO JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES easy-chair sat a monstrous man with a green patch on his right eye, in slippers, loose hose, a dirty grey woollen dressing-gown and black silk nightcap, puff- ing away at a long meerschaum pipe, with a figure of Bacchus on the bowl. At a sight so unexpected, Mr. Jorrocks started back, but the smoker seemed quite unconcerned, and, casting an unmeaning grey eye at the intruder, puffed a long-drawn respiration from his mouth. " How now ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks, boiling into a rage, which caused the monster to start upon his legs as though he were galvanized, " Vot brings you here ? " "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" responded the smoker, opening his eye a little wider, and taking the pipe from his mouth. " Speak English, you fool ! " bawled Mr. Jorrocks. "Sie sind sehr unverschamt " (you are very impudent), replied the Dutchman, with a thump on the table. "I'll run you through the gizzard ! " rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, half draw- ing his sword, — "skin you alive, in fact!" when in rushed the Countess and threw herself between them. Now, Mynheer Van Rosembom, a burgomaster of Flushing, was an old friend of the Countess's, and an exceedingly good paying one, and having cast up that morning quite unexpectedly by the early diligence from Dunkirk, and the Countess being enraged at Mr. Jorrocks for not sharing the honours of his pro- cession in the cab on the previous day, and believing, moreover, that his treasury was pretty well exhausted, thought she could not do better than instal Rosembom in his place, and retain the stakes she held for the Colonel's board and lodging. This arrangement she kept to herself, simply giving Rosembom, who was a not much better Frenchman than Col. Jorrocks, to understand that the room would be ready for him shortly, and Agamemnon SPORTING IN FRANCE 211 was ordered to bundle Mr. Jorrocks's clothes into his portmanteau and bag, and place them in readiness in the ante-room. Rosembom, fatigued with his journey, then retired to enjoy his pipe at his ease, while the Countess went to the Marche St. Honore to buy some sour crout, roast beef, and prunes for his dinner. "Turn this great slush bucket out of my room !" cried Mr. Jorrocks, as the Countess rushed into his apartment. " Vot's he doing here ? " " Doucement, mon cher Colonel," said she, clap- ping him on the back, "he sail be my brodder." '■'■ Never such a thi?ig!'" roared Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing him as he spoke. ^^ Never such a thing! no more than myself — out with him, I say, or I'll cut my stick — toute suite — directly ! " " Avec tout mon cceur ! " replied the Countess, her choler rising as she spoke. "You're another," re- joined Mr. Jorrocks, judging by her manner that she called him something offensive — "Vous etes one mauvaise woman !" ^^ Afotisieur" said the Countess, her eyes flashing as she spoke, " vous etes un polisson ! — von rascal ! — von dem villain ! — un charlatan ! — von nasty — bastely — ross bif ! — dem dog," and there- upon she curled her fingers and set her teeth on edge as though she would tear his very eyes out. Rosem- bom, though he didn't exactly see the merits of the matter, exchanged his pipe for the poker, — so what with this, the sword, and the nails, things wore a very belligerent aspect. Mr. Stubbs, as usual, interposed, and the Countess, still keeping up the semblance of her rage, ordered them to quit her apartment directly, or she would have recourse to her old friends the police. Mr. Stubbs was quite agreeable to go, but hinted that she might as well hand over the stakes that had been entrusted to her keeping on the previous day ; upon which she again indulged in a torrent of abuse, swore 212 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES they were a couple of thieves, and that Mr. Jorrocks owed her far more than the amount for board and lodging. This made the Colonel stare, for on the supposition that he was a visitor, he had been firing away his money in all directions, playing at everything she proposed, buying her bonnets, perigord pies, hiring remises, and committing every species of extravagance, and now to be charged for what he thought was pure friendship, disgusted him beyond expression. The Countess speedily summoned the porter, the man of letters of the establishment, and with his aid drew Mr. Jorrocks out a bill, which he described as " reaching down each side of his body and round his waist," commencing with 2 francs for savon, and then proceeding in the daily routine of cafe, i franc; dejeuner h la fourchette, 5 francs; diner avec vin, 10 francs; tea, i franc; souper, 3 francs; bougies, 2 francs ; apartement, 3 francs ; running him up a bill of 700 francs ; and when Mr. Stubbs remonstrated on the exorbitance of the charges, she replied, " It sail be, sare, as small monnae as sail be consistent avec my dignified respectability, you to charge." There seemed no help for the matter, so Mr. Stubbs paid the balance, while Mr. Jorrocks, shocked at the duplicity of the Countess, the impudence of Roserabom, and the emptiness of his own pockets, bolted away without saying a word. That very night the Malle-Poste bore them from the capital, with two cold fowls, three quarters of a yard of bread, and a bottle of porter, for Mr. Jorrocks on the journey ; and ere another sun went down, the sandy suburbs of Calais saw them toiling towards her ramparts, and rumbling over the draw- bridges and under the portcullis that guard the entrance to her gloomy town, Calais ! cold, cheer- less, lifeless Calais ! Whose soul has ever warmed as it approached thy town ? but how many hearts have SPORTING IN FRANCE 213 turned with sickening sorrow from the mirthless tinkling of thy bells ! ^ "We'll not stay here long, I guess," said Mr. Jorrocks, as the diligence pulled up at the post-office, and the conducteur requested the passengers to descend. "That's optional," said a bystander, who was waiting for his letters, looking at Mr. Jorrocks with an air as much as to say, " What a rum-looking fellow you are ! " and not without reason, for the Colonel was attired in a blue sailor's jacket, white leathers, and jack-boots, with the cocked hat and feather. The speaker was a middle-aged, middle- statured man, with a quick, intelligent eye, dressed in a single-breasted, green riding-coat, striped toilenette waistcoat, and drab trousers, with a whip in his hand. " Thank you for nothing ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing him in return, upon which the speaker turned to the clerk, and asked him if there were any letters for Monsieur Apperley or Nimrod. " Nimrod ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, dropping on his knees as though he were shot, " Oh, my vig ! what have I done ? Oh dear ! oh dear ! what a dumbfounderer — flummoxed, I declare." '■'■Hold up I old un," said Nimrod in astonishment, "why, what's the matter now? you don't 02ve me anything, I daresay ! " " Owe you anything ! yes, I does," said Mr. Jorrocks, rising from the ground, " I owes you a debt of gratitude that I can never wipe off — you'll be in the day book and ledger of my memory for ever and a year." " Who are you ? " inquired Nimrod, becoming more and more puzzled, as he contrasted his dialect with his dress. " Who am I ?— Why, I'm Mr. Jorrocks." "Jorrocks, by Jove ! Who'd have thought it? I ^ At the Hotel de Ville is a clock that chimes the quarters and keeps up a most monotonous tinkle by day and by night. 214 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES declare I took you for a horse-marine. Give us your hand, old boy. I'm proud to make your acquaintance." " Ditto to you, sir, twice repeated. I considers you the werry first man of the age ! " — and thereupon they shook hands with uncommon warmth. " You've been at Paris, I suppose," resumed Nimrod, after their respective digits were released ; "were you much gratified with what you saw? What pleased you most — the Tuileries, Louvre, Garden of Plants, Pere la Chaise, Notre Dame, or what ? " " Why now, to tell you the truth, singular as it may seem, I saw nothing but the Tuileries and Naughty Dame, — I may say a werry naughty dame, for she fleeced me uncommonly, scarcely leaving me a dump to carry me home." " What, you've been among the ladies, have you ? that's gay for a man at your time of life." " Yes, I certain//^ have been among the ladies, — Countesses I may say — but, dash my vig, they are a rum set, and made me pay for their acquaintance. The Countess Benwolio certain//> is a bad 'un." " Oh, the deuce ! — did that old devil catch you ? " inquired Nimrod. " Vot, do you know her ? " " Know her ! ay — everybody here knows her with her black boy. She's always on the road, and lives now by the flats she catches between Paris and the coast. She was an agent for Morison's Pills, — but having a fractious Scotch lodger that she couldn't get out, she physicked him so dreadfully that he nearly died, and the police took her licence away. But you are hungry, Mr. Jorrocks, come to my house and spend the evening, and tell me all about your travels." Mr. Stubbs objected to this proposition, having just learned that the London packet sailed in an hour, so the trio adjourned to Mr. Roberts' Royal Hotel, where over some strong eau-de-vie they cemented their acquaintance, and Mr. Jorrocks, finding that Nimrod SPORTING IN FRANCE 215 was to be in England the following week, insisted upon his naming a day for dining in CIreat Coram Street. "Permits" to embark having been considerately granted '^ gratis"'^ by the government for a franc apiece, at the hour of ten our travellers stepped on board ; and Mr. Jorrocks, having wrapped himself up in his martial cloak, lay down in the cabin, and, like Ulysses in Ithaca, as Nimrod would say, "arrived in London asleep." ^Though "gratis" is stamped conspicuously on the docu- ment, they always charge something for them. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY THE general postman had given the final flourish to his bell, and the muffin-girl had just begun to tinkle hers, when a capacious yellow hackney-coach, with a faded scarlet hammer-cloth, was seen jolting down Great Coram Street, and pulling up at Mr. Jorrocks's door. Before Jarvey had time to apply his hand to the area bell, after giving the usual three knocks and a half to the brass lion's head on the door, it was opened by the boy Benjamin in new drab coat, with a blue collar, and white sugar-loaf buttons, drab waistcoat, and black velveteen breeches, with well-darned white cotton stockings. The knock drew Mr. Jorrocks from his dining-room, where he had been acting the part of butler, for which purpose he had put off his coat and appeared in his shirt sleeves, dressed in nankeen shorts, white gauze silk stockings, white neckcloth, and white waistcoat, with a frill as large as a hand-saw. Handing the bottle and cork-screw to Betsy, he shuffled himself into a smart new blue saxony coat with velvet collar and metal buttons, and advanced into the passage to greet the arrivers. "O gentlemen, gentlemen," exclaimed he, "I'm so 'appy to see you — so werry 'appy you carn't think," holding out both hands to the foremost, who happened to be Nimrod; "this is werry kind of you, for I declare it's six to a minute. 'Ow are you, Mr. Nimrod ? Most proud to see you at my humble crib. Well, Stubbs, my boy, 'ow do you do ? Never knew 2ie MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 217 you late in life," giving him a hearty slap on the back, " Mr. Spiers, I'm werry 'appy to see you. You are just what a sporting publisher ought to be — punctu- ality itself. Now, gentlemen, dispose of your tiles, and come upstairs to Mrs. J., and let's get you introduced." "I fear we are late, Mr. Jorrocks," observed Nimrod, advancing past the staircase end to hang up his hat on a line of pegs against the wall. " Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Jorrocks — " not a bit of it — quite the contrary — you are the first, in fact ! " " Indeed ! " replied Nimrod, eyeing a table full of hats by where he stood — " why, here are as many hats as would set up a shop. I really thought I'd got into Beaver (Belvoir) Castle by mistake ! " " Haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good, Mr. H'Apperley, werry good indeed. — I owes you one." "/thought it was a Castor-0\S. Mill," rejoined Mr. Spiers. " Haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good, Mr. Spiers, werry good indeed, — owes you one also, — but I see what you're driving at. You think these 'ats have a cocoanut apiece belonging to them upstairs. No such thing, I assure you ; no such thing. The fact is, they are what I've won at warious times of the members of our 'unt; and as I've got you great sporting coves dining with me, I'm going to set them out on my side- board, just as racing gents exhibit their gold and silver cups, you know. Binjimin ! I say, Binjimin, you blackguard," holloaing down the kitchen stairs, *' Why don't you set out the castors as I told you ? and see you brush them well ! " " Coming, sir, coming, sir," replied Benjamin, from below, who at that moment was busily engaged, taking advantage of Betsy's absence, in scooping marmalade out of a pot with his thumb. "There's a good lot of them," said Mr. Jorrocks, resuming the conversation, " four, six, eight, ten, twelve, thirteen, — all trophies of sporting 2i8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES prowess. Real good hats. None o' your nasty gossamers, or dog-hair ones. There's a tile ! " said he, balancing a nice new white one with green rims on the top of his finger. " I won that in a most w/'raculous manner. — A most wonderful way, in fact. I was driving to Croydon one morning in my four-wheeled one-'oss chay, and just as I got to Lilley-white, the blacksmith's, below Brixton Hill, they had thrown up a drain — a giilpli I may call it — across the road for the purpose of repairing the gas-pipe. I was ^-^j-ther late as it was, for our 'ounds are werry punctual, and there was nothing for me but either to go a mile and a half about, or drive slap over the gulph. Well, I looked at it, and the more I looked at it the less I liked it ; but just as I was thinking I had seen enough of it, and was going to turn away, up tools Timothy Trueman in his buggy, and he, too, began to crane and look into the abyss — and a terrible place it was, I assure you — guile fn'ghffii/, and he liked it no better than myself. Seeing this, I takes courage, and said, ' Why, Tim, your 'oss will do it ! ' ' Thank'e, Mr. J., ' said he, * I'll folloiv you.' ' Then,' said I, ' if you'll change wehicles ' — for, mind ye, I had no notion of damaging my own — ' I'll bet you a hat I gets over.' * Done,' said he, and out he got, so I takes his 'oss by the head, looses the bearing-rein, and, leading him quietly up to the place and letting him have a look at it, gave him a whack over the back, and over he went, gig and all, as clever as could be ! " Stiibbs. Well done, ISIr. J., you are really a most wonderful man ! You have the most extraordinary adventures of any man breathing — but what did you do with your own machine ? Jorrocks. Oh ! you see, I just turned round to Binjimin, who was with me, and said, ' You may go home,' and, getting into Timothy's buggy, I had my ride for nothing, and the hat into the bargain. A nice hat it is too — regular beaver — a guinea's worth MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 219 at least. All true what I've told you, isn't it, Binjimin ? " Quite ! " replied Benjamin, putting his thumb to his nose, and spreading his fingers like a fan as he slunk behind his master. "But come, gentlemen," resumed Mr. Jorrocks, " let's be after getting upstairs. Binjimin, announce the gentlemen as your missis taught you. Open the door with your left hand, and stretch the right towards her, to let the company see the point to make up to!" The party ascended the stairs one at a time, for the flight is narrow and rather abrupt, and Benjamin, obeying his worthy master's injunctions, threw open the front drawing-room door, and discovers Mrs. Jorrocks sitting in state at a round table, with annuals and albums spread at orthodox distances around. The possession of this room had long been a bone of contention between Mr. Jorrocks and his spouse, but at length they had accommodated matters, by Mr. Jorrocks gaining undivided possession of the back drawing-room (communicating by folding-doors), with the run of the front one equally with Mrs. Jorrocks on non-company days. A glance, however, showed which was the master's and which was the mistress's room. The front one was papered with weeping willows, bending under the weight of ripe cherries on a white ground, and the chair cushions were covered with pea-green cotton velvet with yellow worsted bindings. The round table was made of rosewood, and there was a "what-not" on the right of the fireplace of similar material, containing a handsomely-bound collection of Sir Walter Scott's works, in wood. The carpet-pattern consisted of most dashing bouquets of many-coloured flowers, in winding French horns on a very light drab ground, so light, indeed, that Mr. Jorrocks was never allowed to tread upon it except in pumps or slippers. The bell-pulls were made of 220 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES foxes' brushes, and in the frame of the looking-glass, above the white marble mantelpiece, were stuck visiting-cards, cards of invitation, thanks for " obliging inquiries," etc. etc. The hearth-rug exhibited a bright yellow tiger, with pink eyes, on a blue ground, with a flossy green border; and the fender and fire-irons were of shining brass. On the wall, immediately opposite the fireplace, was a portrait of Mrs. Jorrocks before she was married, so unlike her present self that no one would have taken it for her. The back drawing-room, which looked out upon the gravel walk and house-backs beyond, was papered with broad scarlet and green stripes in honour of the Surrey-Hunt uniform, and was set out with a green-covered library table in the centre, with a red morocco hunting chair between it and the window, and several good strong hair-bottomed mahogany chairs around the walls. The table had a very literary air, being strewed with Sporting Magazines, odd numbers of BelPs Life, pamphlets, and papers of various descriptions, while on a sheet of foolscap on the portfolio were ten lines of an elegy on a giblet pie which had been broken in coming from the baker's, at which Mr. Jorrocks had been hammering for some time. On the side opposite the fireplace, on a hanging range of mahogany shelves, were ten volumes of Bell's Life in London, the Neiv Sporting Magazi?ie, bound, gilt, and lettered, the Mefnoirs of Harriette Wilson, Boxiana, Taplin's Farriery, Nimrod's Life of Mytton, and a back- gammon board that Mr. Jorrocks had bought by mistake for a History of England. Mrs. Jorrocks, as we said before, was sitting in state at the far side of the round table, on a worsted- worked ottoman, exhibiting a cock pheasant on a white ground, and was fanning herself with a red-and- white paper fan, and turning over the leaves of an annual. How Mr. Jorrocks happened to marry her, no one could ever divine, for she never was pretty, MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 221 had very little money, and not even a decent figure to recommend her. It was generally supposed at the time, that his brother Joe and he having had a deadly feud about a bottom piece of muffin, the lady's friends had talked him into the match, in the hopes of his having a family to leave his money to, instead of bequeathing it to Joe or his children. Certain it is they never were meant for each other; Mr. Jorrocks, as our readers have seen, being all nature and impulse, while Mrs. Jorrocks was all vanity and affectation. To describe her accurately is more than we can pretend to, for she looked so different in different dresses, that Mr. Jorrocks himself sometimes did not recognize her. Her face was round, with a good strong brick- dust sort of complexion, a turn-up nose, eyes that were grey in one light and green in another, and a middling- sized mouth with a double chin below. Mr. Jorrocks used to say that she was " warranted " to him as twelve years younger than himself, but many people supposed the difference of age between them was not so great. Her stature was of the middle height, and she was of one breadth from the shoulders to the heels. She was dressed in a flaming scarlet satin gown, with swan's- down round the top, as also at the arms, and two flounces of the same material round the bottom. Her turban was of green velvet, with a gold fringe, termina- ting in a bunch over the left side, while a bird of Paradise inclined towards the right. Across her forehead she wore a gold band, with a many-coloured glass butterfly (a present from James Green), and her neck, arms, waist (at least what ought to have been her waist), were hung round and studded with mosaic — gold chains, brooches, rings, buttons, bracelets, etc., looking for all the world like a portable pawnbroker's shop or the lump of beef that Sinbad the Sailor threw into the Valley of Diamonds. In the right of a gold band round her middle, was an immense gold watch, with a bunch of mosaic seals appended to a massive 222 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES chain of the same material ; and a large miniature of Mr. Jorrocks when he was a young man, with his hair stiffly curled, occupied a place on her left side. On her right arm dangled a green velvet bag, with a gold cord, out of which one of Mr. Jorrocks's silk handker- chiefs protruded, while a crumpled, yellowish-white cambric one, with a lace fringe, lay at her side. On an hour-glass stool, a little behind Mrs. Jorrocks, sat her niece Belinda (Joe Jorrocks's eldest daughter), a nice laughing pretty girl of sixteen, with languishing blue eyes, brown hair, a nose of the "turn- up" order, beautiful mouth and teeth, a very fair complexion, and a gracefully-moulded figure. She had just left one of the finishing and polishing seminaries in the neighbourhood of Bromley, where, for two hundred a year and upwards, all the teasing accomplishments of life are taught, and Mrs. Jorrocks, in her own mind, had already appropriated her to James Green, while Mr. Jorrocks, on the other hand, had assigned her to Stubbs. Belinda's dress was simplicity itself; her silken hair hung in shining tresses down her smiling face, confined by a plain tortoise- shell comb behind, and a narrow pink velvet band before. Round her swan-like neck was a plain white cornelian necklace ; and her well-washed white muslin frock, confined by a pink sash, flowing behind in a bow, met in simple folds across her swelling bosom. Black sandal shoes confined her fairy feet, and with P>ench cotton stockings completed her toilette. Belinda, though young, was a celebrated eastern beauty, and there was not a butcher's boy in Whitechapel, from Michael Scales downwards, but what eyed her with delight, as she passed along from Shoreditch on her daily walk. The presentations having been effected, and the heat of the day, the excellence of the house, the cleanliness of Great Coram Street — the usual topics, in short, when people know nothing of each other — MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 223 having been discussed, our party scattered themselves about the room to await the pleasing announcement of dinner. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was in attendance upon Nimrod, while Mr Stubbs made love to Belinda behind Mrs. Jorrocks. Presently a loud, long-protracted '■^ rat-tat-tat-tat- tan, rat-tat- fat-tat-tan" at the street door sounded through the house, and Jorrocks, with a slap on his thigh, exclaimed, " By Jingo ! there's Green. No man knocks with such wiggorous wiolence as he does. All Great Coram Street and parts adjacent know when he comes. Julius Coesar himself couldn't kick up a greater row." "What Green is it. Green of Rolle- stone ? " inquired Nimrod, thinking of his Leicester- shire friend. " No," said Mr. Jorrocks, " Green of Tooley Street. You'll have heard of the Greens in the Borough, 'emp, 'op, and 'ide (hemp, hop, and hide) merchants — numerous family, numerous as the 'airs in my vig. This is James Green, jun., whose father, old James Green, jun., verd antique as I calls him, is the son of James Green, sen., who is in the 'emp line, and James is own cousin to young old James Green, sen., whose father is in the 'ide line." The remainder of the pedigree was lost by Benjamin throwing open the door and announcing Mr. Green ; and Jemmy, who had been exchanging his cloth boots for patent-leather pumps, came bounding upstairs like a racket-ball. " My dear Mrs. Jorrocks ! " cried he, swinging through the company to her, " Fm delighted to see you looking so well, I declare you are fifty per cent, younger than you were. Belinda, my love, 'ow are you? Jorrocks my friend, how do ye do ? " "Thank ye, James," said Jorrocks, shaking hands with him most cordially, " I'm werry well indeed, and delighted to see you. Now let me present you to Nimrod." " Aye, Nimrod ! " said Green, in his usual flippant 224 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES style, with a nod of his head, '"ow are ye, Nimrod? I've heard of you, I think, — Nimrod, Brothers and Co., bottle merchants, Crutched Friars, ain't it ? " "i\'t',"said Jorrocks, in an undertone with a frown, " — Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod, the great sporting h'author." "True," replied Green, not at all disconcerted, "I've heard of him — Nimrod — the mighty 'unter before the Lord. Glad to see ye, Nimrod. Stubbs, 'ow are ye ? " nodding to the Yorkshireman, as he jerked himself on to a chair on the other side of Belinda. As usual, Green was as gay as a peacock. His curly flaxen wig projected over his forehead like the roof of a Swiss cottage, and his pointed gills were supported by a stiff black mohair stock, with a broad front and black frill confined with jet studs down the centre. His coat was light green, with archery buttons, made very wide at the hips, with which he sported a white waistcoat, bright yellow ochre leather trousers, pink silk stockings and patent-leather pumps. In his hand he carried a white silk handkerchief, which smelt most powerfully of musk ; and a pair of dirty wristbands drew the eye to sundry dashing rings upon his fingers. Jonathan Crane, a little long-nosed old city wine merchant, a member of the Surrey Hunt, being announced and presented, Mrs. Jorrocks declared herself faint from the heat of the room, and begged to be excused for a few minutes. Nimrod, all polite- ness, was about to offer her his arm, but Mr. Jorrocks pulled him back, whispering, "Z^/ her go, let her go." " The fact is," said he, in an undertone after she was out of hearing, " it's a way Mrs. J. has when she wants to see that dinner's all right. You see she's a terrible high-bred woman, being a cross between a gentleman- usher and a lady's maid, and doesn't like to be MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 225 supposed to look after these things, so when she goes, she always pretends to faint. You'll see her back presently," and, just as he spoke, in she came with a half-pint smelling bottle at her nose. Benjamin followed immediately after, and, throwing open the door, proclaimed, in a half-fledged voice, that " dinner was served," upon which the party all started on their legs. "Now, Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod," cried Jorrocks, " you'll trot Mrs. J. down — according to the book of etiquette, you know, giving her the wall side.^ Sorry, gentlemen, I haven't ladies apiece for you, but my sally-manger, as we say in France, is rayiher small, besides which I never like to dine more than eight. Stubbs, my boy. Green and you must toss up for Belinda— here's a halfpenny, and let it be 'New- market'- if you please. Wot say you? a voman ! Stubbs wins ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks, as the halfpenny fell head downwards. " Now, Spiers, couple up with Crane, and James and I will whip into you. But stop, gentlemen ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks, as he reached the top of the stairs, "let me make one request- that you von't eat the windmill you'll see on the centre of the table. Mrs. Jorrocks has hired it for the evening, of Mr. Farrell, the confectioner, in Lamb's Conduit Street, and it's engaged to two or three evening parties after it leaves this." " Lauk, John ! how wulgar you are. What matter can it make to your friends where the windmill comes from ! " exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks, in an audible voice from below ; Nimrod, with admirable skill, having piloted her down the straits and turns of the staircase. Having squeezed herself between the backs of the chairs and the wall, Mrs. Jorrocks at length reached ^ " In your passage from one room to another, offer the lady the wall in going downstairs," etc. — Spirit of Etiquette. - "We have repeatedly decided that Newmarket is one toss." — Belts Life. 15 226 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES the head of the table, and with a bump of her body and wave of her hand motioned Nimrod to take the seat on her right. Green then pushed past Belinda and Stubbs, and took the place on Mrs. Jorrocks's left, so Stubbs, with a dexterous manoeuvre, placed himself in the centre of the table, with Belinda be- tween himself and her uncle. Crane and Spiers then filled the vacant places on Nimrod's side, Mr. Spiers facing Mr. Stubbs. The dining-room was the breadth of the passage narrower than the front drawing-room, and, as Mr. Jorrocks truly said, was rayther small, but the table being excessively broad, made the room appear less than it was. It was lighted up with spermaceti candles, in silver holders, one at each corner of the table, and there was a lamp in the wall between the red-curtained windows, immediately below a brass nail, on which Mr. Jorrocks's great hunting-whip and a bunch of boot -garters were hung. Two more candles in the hands of bronzed Dianas on the marble mantelpiece lighted up a coloured copy of Barraud's picture of John Warde, on Blue Ruin ; while Mr. Ralph Lambton, on his horse Undertaker, with his hounds and men, occupied a frame on the opposite wall. The old-fashioned cellaret sideboard, against the wall at the end, supported a large bright burning brass lamp, with raised foxes round the rim, whose effulgent rays shed a brilliant halo over eight black hats and two white ones, whereof the four middle ones were decorated with evergreens and foxes' brushes. The dinner table was crowded, not covered. There was scarcely a square inch of cloth to be seen on any part. In the centre stood a magnificent finely-spun barley sugar windmill, two feet and a half high, with a spacious sugar foundation, with a cart and horses and two or three millers at the door, and a she-miller working a ball dress flounce at a lower window. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 227 The whole dinner, first, second, third, fourth course, — everything, in fact, except dessert — was on the table, as we sometimes see it at ordinaries and public dinners. Before both Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks were two great tureens of mock turtle soup, each capable of holding a gallon, and both full up to the brim. Then there were two sorts of fish ; turbot and lobster sauce, and a great salmon. A round of boiled beef and an immense piece of roast occupied the rear of these, ready to march on the disappearance of the fish and soup — and behind the walls, formed by the beef of old England, came two dishes of grouse, each dish holding three brace. The side dishes consisted of a calf's head hashed, a leg of mutton, chickens, ducks, and mountains of vegetables ; and round the windmill were plum puddings, tarts, jellies, pies, and puffs. Behind Mrs. Jorrocks's chair stood Batsay with a fine brass-headed comb in her hair, and stiff ringlets down her ruddy cheeks. She was dressed in a green silk gown, with a coral necklace, and one of Mr. Jorrocks's lavender and white coloured silk pocket- handkerchiefs made into an apron. Bmjmiin stood with the door in his hand, as the saying is, with a towel twisted round his thumb, as though he had cut it. " Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Jorrocks, casting his eye up the table, as soon as they had all got squeezed and wedged round it, and the dishes were uncovered, "_>'o?/! see your din?ter, eat whatever you like except the windmill — hope you'll be able to satisfy nature with what's on — would have had more, but Mrs. J. is so werry fine, she won't stand two joints of the same sort on the table." Mrs. J. Lauk, John, how can you be so wulgar ! Who ever saw two rounds of beef, as you wanted to have? Besides, I'm sure the gentlemen will excuse any little defishency, considering the short nptic§ 228 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES we have had, and that this is not an elaborate dinner. Afr. Spiers. I'm sure, ma'am, there's no dAfish&c\cy at all. Indeed I think there's as much fish as would serve double the number — and I'm sure you look as if you had your soup " on sale or return," as we say in the magazine line. Mr. J. Haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good Mr. Spiers. I owe you one. Not bad soup though — had it from Birch's. Let me send you some ; and pray lay into it, or I shall think you don't like it. Mr. H'Apperley, let me send you some — and, gentlemen, let me observe, once for all, that there's every species of malt liquor under the side-table. Prime stout, from the Marquess Cornwallis, hard by. Also ale, table, and what my friend calls \z.Vi\&x\table, — he says because it's so werry small — but, in truth, because I don't buy it of him. There's all sorts of drench, in fact, except water — a thing I never touch — rots one's shoes, don't know what it would do with one's stomach if it was to get there. Mr. Crane, you're eating nothing. I am quite shocked to see you ; you don't surely live upon h'air? Do help yourself, or you'll faint from werry famine. Belinda, my love, does the Yorkshire- man take care of you ? Who's for some salmon ? — bought at Luckey's, and there's both Tally-ho and Tantivy sarce to eat with it. Somehow or other I always fancies I rides harder after eating their sarces with fish. Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod, you are the greatest man at table, consequently I axes you to drink wine first, according to the book of etiquette — help yourself, sir. Some of Crane's particklar hot and strong, real stuff, none of your wan de bones (vin de beaume) or rot-gut French stuff — hope you like it — if you don't, pray speak your mind freely, now that we have Crane among us. Binjimin, get me some of that duck before Mr. Spiers ; a leg and a wing, if you please, sir, and a bit of the breast. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 229 • Mr. Spiers. .Certainly, sir, certainly. Do you prefer a right or a left wing, sir? . Mr. Jor rocks. Oh, either. I suppose it's all the same. • Mr. Spiers. Why, no, sir, it's not exactly all the sanae ; for it happens there is only one remaining, therefore it must be the left one. Mr. J. (chuckling). Haw ! haw ! haw ! Mr. S., werry good that — werry good, indeed. I owes you two. . "I'll trouble you for a little, Mr. Spiers, if you please," says Crane, handing his plate round the windmill. " I'm sorry, sir, it is all gone," replies Mr. Spiers, who had just filled Mr. Jorrocks's plate; "there's nothing left but the neck," holding it up on the fork. "Well, send it," rejoins Mr. Crane, "neck or tiotJwig, you know, Mr. Jorrocks, as we say with the Surrey." " Haw ! haw ! haw ! " grunts Mr. Jorrocks, who is busy sucking a bone ; " haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good. Crane, werry good — owes you one. Now, gentlemen," added he, casting his eye up the table as he spoke, "let me adwise ye, before you attack the grouse, to take the hedge (edge) off your appetites, or else there won't be enough ; and, you know, it does not do to eat the farmer after the gentleman. Let's see, now — three and three are six, six brace among eight — oh dear, that's nothing like enough. I wish, Mrs. J., you had followed my adwice, and roasted them all. And, now, Binjimin, you're going to break the windmill with your clumsiness, you little dirty rascal ! Why von't you let Bafsa.y arrange the table ? Thank you, Mr. Crane, for your assistance, — your politeness, sir, exceeds your beauty." [A barrel organ strikes up before the window, and Jorrocks throws down his knife and fork in an agony.] "Oh dear, oh dear, 230 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES there's that cursed h'organ again. It's a regular annihilator. Binjimin, run and kick the fellow's werry soul out of him. There's no man suffers so much from music as I do. I wish I had a pocketful of sudden deaths, that I might throw one at every thief of a musicianer that comes up the street. I declare the scoundrel has set all my teeth on edge. Mr. Nimrod, pray take another glass of wine after your roast beef. — Well, with Mrs. J. if you choose, but I'll join you — always says that you are the werry cleverest man of the day — read all your writings — anny-tommy (anatomy) of gaming, and all. Am a h'author myself, you know — once set to, to write a werry long and elaborate h'article on scent, but after cudgelling my brains, and turning the thing over and over again in my mind, all that 1 could brew on the subject was that scent was a werry rum thing ; nothing rummer than scent, except a woman." "Pray," cried Mrs. Jorrocks, her eyes starting as she spoke, "don't let us have any of your low-lifed stable conversation here — you think to show off before the ladies," added she, "and flatter yourself you talk about what we don't understand. Now, I'll be bound to say, with all your fine sporting h'inform- ation, you carn't tell me whether a mule brays or neighs ! " "Vether a mule brays or neighs?" repeated Mr. Jorrocks, considering, " I'll lay I can ! " " Which, then ? " inquired Mrs. Jorrocks. " Vy, I should say it brayed." ^^ Mule bray I ^^ cried Mrs. Jorrocks, clapping her hands with delight, " there's a cockney blockhead for you ! It brays, does it ? " Mr. Jorrocks. I meant to say neighed. " Ho ! ho ! ho ! " grinned Mrs. J., " neighs, does it ? you are a nice man for a fox-'unter — a mule neighs — thought I'd catch you some of these odd days with your wain conceit." MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 231 ** Vy, what does it do, then ! " inquired Mr. Jorrocks, his choler rising as he spoke. " I hopes at all ewents he don't make the 'orrible noise you do." " Why, it screams, you great h'ass ! " rejoined his loving spouse. A single, but very resolute knock at the street door, sounding quite through the house, stopped all further ebullition, and Benjamin, slipping out, held a short conversation with someone in the street, and re- turned. " What's happened now, Binjimin ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks, with anxiety on his countenance, as the boy re-entered the room ; " the 'osses arn't amiss, I 'ope ? " " Please, sir, Mr. Farrell's young man has come for the windmill — he says you've had it two hours," replied Benjamin. "The deuce be with Mr, Farrell's young man! he does not suppose we can part with the mill before the cloth's drawn — tell him to mizzle, or I'll mill him. ' Now's the day and now's the hour ; ' who's for some grouse ? Gentlemen, make your game, in fact. But first of all, let's have a round robin. Pass the wine, gentlemen. What wine do you take, Stubbs ? " " Why, champagne is good enough for me." Mr. Jorrocks. I daresay ; but if you wait till you get any here, you will have a long time to stop. Shampain, indeed ! had enough of that nonsense abroad — declare you young chaps drink shampain like h'ale. There's red and wite, port and sherry, in fact ; and them as carn't drink, they must go without. X. was expensive, and soon became poor ; Y. was the wise man, and kept want from the door. " Now for the grouse ! " added he, as the two beefs disappeared, and they took their stations at the top and bottom of the table. " Fine birds, to be sure ! hope you haven't burked your appetites, gentlemen, so as not to be able to do justice to them — smell 232 JORROCKS'S JAUMTS AND JOLLITIES high — werry good — gamey, in fact — Binjimin, take an 'ot plate to Mr. Nimrod — sarve us all round with them." The grouse being excellent, and cooked to a turn, little execution was done upon the pastry, and the jellies had all melted long before it came to their turn to be eaten. At length, everyone, Mr. Jorrocks and all, appeared satisfied, and the noise of knives and forks was succeeded by the din of tongues and the ringing of glasses, as the eaters refreshed themselves with wine or malt liquors. Cheese and biscuit being handed about on plates, according to the Spirit of Etiquette, B/nj/min and Brttsay at length cleared the table, lifted off the windmill, and removed the cloth. Mr. Jorrocks then delivered himself of a most emphatic grace. The wine and dessert being placed on the table, the ceremony of drinking healths all round was performed. "Your good health, Mrs. J., Belinda, my l<90ve, your good health — wish you a good 'usband. — Nimrod, your good health. — James Green, your good health. Old verd antique's good health. — Your uncle's good health. — All the Green family. — Stubbs, your good health. — Spiers, Crane, etc. etc." The bottles then pass round three times, on each of which occasions Mrs. Jorrocks makes them pay toll. The fourth time she let them pass; and Jorrocks began to grunt, hem, and haw, and kick the leg of the table, by way of giving her a hint to depart. This caused a dead silence, which at length was broken by the Yorkshireman's exclaiming, " Horrid pause ! " " Horrid paws ! " vociferated Mrs. J., in a towering rage, " so would yours, let me tell you sir, if you had helped to cook all that dinner : " and gathering her- self up and repeating the word, " horrid paws, indeed, I like your imperence," she sailed out of the room like an exasperated turkey-cock ; her face, from heat, MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 233 anger, and,, the quantity she had drunk, being as red as her gown. Indeed, she looked for all the world as if she had been put into a furnace and blown red hot. Jorrocks having o;ot rid of his " worser half," as he calls her, let out a roef or two of his acre of white waistcoat, and each man made himself comfortable according to his acceptation of the term. " Gentle- men," says Jorrocks, " I'll trouble you to charge your glasses, 'eel-taps off— a bumper toast — no sky-lights, if you please. Crane, pass the wine — you are a regular old stop-bottle — a turnpike gate, in fact. / think you take hack hajids — gentlemen, are you all charged? — then I'll give you The Noble Sport of Fox-'Unting ! gentlemen, with three times three, and Crane will give the 'ips, — all ready— now, 'ip, 'ip, 'ip, •Aizza, 'uzza, 'uzza, — 'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza, — I '*ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza — one cheer more, 'uzza ! " After this followed " The Merry Harriers," then came "The Staggers," after that "The Trigger, and bad luck to Cheetum," all bumpers; when Jorrocks, having screwed his courage up to the sticking place, called for another, which being complied with, he rose and delivered himself as follows : — " Gentlemen, in rising to propose the toast which I am now about to propose — I feel — I feel — (Yorkshireman — 'Very queer?') /. No, not werry queer, and I'll trouble you to hold your jaw. (Laughter.) Gentlemen, I say, in rising to propose the toast which I am about to give, I feel — I feel — (Crane — ' Werry nervous ? ') /. No, not werry nervous, so none of your nonsense ; let me alone, I say. I say, in rising to propose the toast which I am about to give, I feel — (Mr. Spiers — ' Very foolish ? ' Nimrod — * Very funny ? ' Crane — ' Werry rum ? ') /. No, werry proud of the distinguished honour that has been conferred upon me — conferred upon me — conferred upon me — distinguished honour that has been conferred upon me by the presence, this day, of 234 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES one of the most distinguished men — distinguished men — by the presence, this day, of one of the most distinguished men and sportsmen — of modern times. (Cheers.) Gentlemen — this is the proudest moment of my life ! the eyes of England are upon us ! I give you the health of Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod." (Drunk with three times three.) When the cheering and dancing of the glasses had somewhat subsided, Nimrod rose and spoke as follows : — " Mr. Jorrocks, and Gentlemen, — "The handsome manner in which my health has been proposed by our worthy and estimable host, and the flattering reception it has met with from you, merit my warmest acknowledgments. I should, indeed, be unworthy of the land which gave me birth, were I insensible of the honour which has just been done me by so enlightened and dis- tinguished an assembly as the present. My friend, Mr. Jorrocks, has been pleased to designate me as one of the most distinguished sportsmen of the day, a title, however, to which I feel I have little claim ; but this I may say that I have portrayed our great national sports in their brightest and most glowing colours, and that on sporting subjects my pen shall yield to none. (Cheers.) I have ever been the decided advocate of manly sports and exercises, not only on account of the health and vigour they inspire, but because I feel that they are the best safeguards of a nation's energies, and the best protection against luxury, idleness, debauchery, and effeminacy. (Cheers.) The authority of all history informs us, that the energies of countries flourished whilst manly sports have flourished, and decayed as they died away. (Cheers.) What says Juvenal, when speaking of the entry of luxury into Rome ? — * Srevior armis Luxuria incubuit, victumque ulciscitur orbem.' MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 235 And we need only refer to ancient history, and to the writings of Xenophon, Cicero, Horace, or Virgil, for evidence of the value they have all attached to the encouragement of manly, active, and hardy pursuits, and the evils produced by a degenerate and effeminate life on the manners and characters of a people. (Cheers.) Many of the most eminent literary characters of this and of other countries have been ardently attached to field sports ; and who that has experienced their beneficial results can doubt that they are the best promoters of the inetis sana in corpore sano — the body sound and the understanding clear. (Cheers.) Gentlemen, it is with feelings of no ordinary gratification that I find myself at the social and truly hospitable board of one of the most distinguished ornaments of one of the most celebrated Hunts in this great country, one whose name and fame have reached the four corners of the globe — to find myself after so long an absence from my native land — an estrangement from all that has ever been nearest and dearest to my heart, once again surrounded by those cheerful countenances which so well express the honest, healthful, pursuits of their owners. Let us, then," added Nimrod, seizing a decanter and pouring himself out a bumper, " drink in true Kentish fire, the health and prosperity of that brightest sample of civic sportsmen, the great and renowned John Jorrocks ! " Immense applause followed the conclusion of this speech, during which time the decanters buzzed round the table, and, the glasses being emptied, the company rose, and a full charge of Kentish fire followed ; Mr. Jorrocks sitting all the while, looking as uncomfortable as men in his situation generally do. The cheering having subsided, and the parties having resumed their seats, it was his turn to rise ; so, getting on his legs, he essayed to speak, but finding, as many men do, that his ideas deserted him 236 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES the moment the "eyes of England" were turned upon him, after two or three hitches of his nankeens, and as many hems and haws, he very coolly resumed his seat, and spoke as follows : — "Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I am quite taken aback by this werry unexpected compliment — (cheers) ; — never since I filled the h'ancicnt and h'onerable h'office of church- Avarden in the populous parish of St. Eotolph Without, have I experienced a gratification equal to the present. I thank you from the werry bottom of my breeches-pocket. (Applause.) Gentlemen, I'm no "h'orator, but I'm a h'onest man. (Cheers.) I should indeed be undeserving the name of a sportsman — undeserving of being a member of that great and justly celebrated 'unt, of which Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod has spun so handsome and flattering a yarn, if I did not feel deeply proud of the compliment you have paid it. It is impossible for me to follow that •great sporting scholar fairly over the ridge and furrow of his werry intricate and elegant h'oration, for there .are many of those fine gentlemen's names — French, I presume — that he mentioned, that I never heard of before, and cannot recollect ; but if you will .allow me to run 'eel a little, I would make a few h'observations on a few of his h'observations. Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod, gentlemen, was pleased to pay a compliment to what he was pleased to call my ■something 'ospitality. I am extremely obliged to him for it. To be surrounded by one's friends is in my mind the 'Ai' of 'uman 'appiness. (Cheers.) Gentlemen, I am most proud of the honour of :seeing you all here to-day, and I hope the grub has been to your likin' — (cheers), — if not, I'll discharge my butcher. On the score of quantity there might be a little deficiency, but I hope the quality was prime. Another time this shall be all remedied. <|Cheers.) Gentlemen, I understand those cheers, MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 237 and I'm flattered by them — / likes 'ospitality ! I'm not the man to keep my butter in a 'pike-ticket, or my coals in a quart pot. (Immense cheering.) Gentlemen, these are my sentiments, I leaves the flowers of speech to them as is better acquainted with botany. (Laughter.) I likes plain English, both in eating and talking, and I'm happy to see Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod has not forgot his, and can put up with our homely fare, and do without pantaloon cutlets,^ blankets of woe,'-^ and such like miseries. I hates their 'orse douvers (hors-d'oeuvres), their rots, and their poisons (poissons) ; 'ord rot 'em, they near killed me, and right glad am I to get a glass of old British black strap. And talking of black strap, gentlemen, I call on old Crane, the man what supplies it, to tip us a song. So now I'm finished, and you, Crane, lap up your liquor and begin." (Applause.) Crane was shy — unused to sing in company — never- theless, if it was the wish of the party, and it would oblige his good customer, Mr. Jorrocks, he would try his hand at a stave or two made by himself^ in honour of the immortal Surrey. Having emptied his glass and cleared his windpipe, Crane commenced : — '* Here's a health to them that can ride ! Here's a health to them that can ride ! And those that don't wish good luck to the cattse May they roast by their own fireside ! It's good to drown care in the chase, It's good to drown care in the bowl, It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, Here's his health from the depth of my soul. 1 " Cotelette en papillote." 2 '* Blanquette de veau." ^ Crane deceived himself when he said he wrote this song. It was published in the Sporting Magazine before he was a member of the Hunt. It is in honour of the popular sportsman who for a long series of years has hunted Surrey with a patience and keenness worthy of a better country. 238 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES CHORUS. Hurrah for the loud tally-ho ! Hurrah for the loud tally-ho ! It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, And echo the shrill tally-ho ! " Here's a health to them that can ride ! Here's a health to them that ride bold ! May the leaps and the dangers that each has defied, In columns of sporting be told ! Here's freedom to him that would walk ! Here's freedom to him that would ride ! There's none ever feared that the horn should be heard Who the joys of the chase ever tried. Hurrah for the loud tally-ho ! Hurrah for the loud tally-ho ! It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, And halloo the loud tally-ho ! " " Beautiful ! beautiful ! " exclaimed Jorrocks, clap- ping his hands and stamping as Crane had ceased. " A werrj- good song, and it's wcrry well sung, Jolly companions everyone ! " Gentlemen, pray charge your glasses — there's one toast we must drink in a bumper if we ne'er take a bumper again. Mr. Spiers, pray charge your glass — Mr. Stubbs, vy don't you fill up? Mr. Nimrod, off with your 'eel taps, pray — I'll give ye the 'Surrey 'Unt,' with all my 'art and soul. Crane, my boy, here's your werry good health, and thanks for your song ! " (All drink the Surrey Hunt and Crane's good health, with applause, which brings him on his legs with the following speech.) " Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking — (laughter) — I beg leave, on behalf of myself and the absent members of the Surrey 'Unt, to return you our own most 'artfelt thanks for the flattering compliment you have just paid us, and to assure you that the esteem and approbation of our fellow-sportsmen is to us the magnum bomati of all MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 239 earthly 'appiness. (Cheers and laughter.) Gentlemen, I will not trespass longer upon your valuable time, but as you seem to enjoy this wine of my friend Mr. Jorrocks's, I may just say that I have got some more of the same quality left, at from forty-two to forty- eight shillings a dozen, also some good stout draught port, at ten-and-sixpence a gallon — some ditto werry superior at fifteen ; also foreign and British spirits, and Dutch liqueurs, rich and rare." The conclusion of the vintner's address was drowned in shouts of laughter. Mr. Jorrocks then called upon the company in succession for a toast, a song, or a sentiment. Nimrod gave, "The Queen ^ and her Stag-hounds"; Crane gave, "Champagne to our real friends, and real pain to our sham friends " ; Green sang, "I'd be a Butterfly"; Mr. Stubbs gave, " Honest Men and Bonnie Lasses " ; and Mr. Spiers, like a patriotic printer, gave "The Liberty of the Press," which he said was like fox-hunting — " if we have it not, we die " — all of which Mr. Jorrocks applauded as if he had never heard them before, and drank in bumpers. It was evident that unless tea was speedily announced, he would soon become — " O'er the ills of life victorious," for he had pocketed his wig, and had been clipping the Queen's English for some time. After a pause, during which his cheeks twice changed colour, from red to green and back to red, he again called for a bumper toast, which he prefaced with the following speech, or parts of a speech : — " Gentlemen, — in rising — propose toast about to give — feel werry — feel werry — (Yorkshireman, ' Werry muzzy ? ') J. — feel werry — (Mr. Spiers, ' Werry sick ? ') /. — werry — (Crane, * Werry thirsty ? ') J. — feel werry — ^ To sa%'e any pains-taking critic the trouble of remarking that we laid the earlier part of these scenes in the late King's time, we beg to say that " we know it,''' 24P JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES (Nimrod, ' Werry wise ? ') /. — no ; but werry sensible — great compliment — eyes of England upon us — give you the health — Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod — three times three ! " He then attempted to rise for the purpose of marking the time, but his legs deserted his body, and, after two or three lurches, down he went with a tremendous thump under the table. He called first for " Batsay," then for " Binjimin," and, game to the last, blurted out, " Lift me up ! — tie me in my chair ! — fill my glass ! " THE END PRINTED IIV MORRISON AND GIBB LIMITED, EDINBURGH Aa" 000 269 531