LIBRARY ^
UNIVERSITY OF
CALIFORNIA
SAN DIEGO
— J
JORROCKS'S
JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
THE HUNTING, SHOOTING, RACING, DRIVING, SAILING,
EATING, ECCENTRIC AND EXTRAVAGANT EXPLOITS OF
THAT RKNOVVNEn SPORTING CITIZEN, MR. JOHN
JORROCKS OK ST. BOTOLPII LANE AND
GREAT CORAM STREET
r: s.^'surtees
WITH FIFTEEN
COLOURED ILLUSTRATIONS
BY HENRY ALKEN
A NEW EDITION
NEW YORK
D APPLETON & COMPANY
1903
NOTE
'T^HIS Issue is founded on the Edition
published by R. Ackermann in the
year 1843
''S -^i -^ ^
CONTENTS
Swell and the Surrey
The YORKSHIREMAN AN' I) THE SURREY
Surrey Shooting— Mk. Jorrocks in Trouble
Mr. Jorrocks and the Surrey Stag-Hounds
The Turf : Mr. Jorrocks at Newmarket
Aquatics : Mr. Jorrocks at Margate
The Road : English and French .
Mr. Jorrocks in Paris
Sporting in France ....
Mr. Jorrocks's Dinner Party .
PAGE
I
i8
42
63
So
106
136
170
195
216
LIST OF THE PLATES
Mr. Jorrocks telegraphs the Fox . . . Frontispiece
Illustrated Title-page
The Appearance of Swell astonishes the Surrey
Hunt To face p. 9
Mr. Jorrocks introduces the Yorkshireman to
the Surrey ...... ,, 29
Squire Cheatham's Keeper attacks the Murderer
of Old Tom 52
Mr. Jorrocks declares his inability to subscribe
to the Surrey Stag-Hounds , . . ,, 70
The Baron " Vills his Wet" . . . . ,, 93
Mr. Jorrocks makes his Entree into the New-
market Betting Ring .... », 97
<<0 Gentlemen! Gentlemen! here's a lament-
able occurrence" ..... ,) 128
"Water I do declare— with worms in it" . ,, 166
Mr. Jorrocks renounces the acquaintance of
the Yorkshireman ..... ,, 174
Mr. Jorrocks makes a Faux Pas . . . ,, 185
Mr. Jorrocks beats the Baron for Speed . . ,, 205
Mr. Jorrocks takes a ride at St. Cloud . . ,, 208
"Lift Me Up! Tie Me in my Chair! Fill
my Glass" „ 240
JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND
JOLLITIES
SWELL AND THE SURREY
WHAT true-bred city sportsman has not in his
day put off the most urgent business — perhaps
his marriage, or even the interment of his rib — that
he might "brave the morn " with that renowned pack,
the Surrey subscription fox-hounds? Lives there,
we would ask, a thorough-bred, prime, bang-up, slap-
dash, break-neck, out-and-out artist, within three
miles of the Monument, who has not occasionally
"gone a good un" with this celebrated pack? And
shall we, the bard of Eastcheap, born all deeds of
daring to record, shall we, who so oft have witnessed
— nay, shared — the hardy exploits of our fellow cits,
shall we sit still, and never cease the eternal twirl of
our dexter around our sinister thumb, while other
scribes hand down to future ages the paltry feats
of beardless Meltonians, and try to shame old Father
Thames himself with muddy Whissendine's foul
stream ? Away ! thou vampire, Indolence, that suckest
the marrow of imagination, and fattenest on the cream
of idea ere yet it float on the milk of reflection.
Hence ! slug-begotten hag, thy power is gone, — the
murky veil thou'st drawn o'er memory's sweetest page
is rent !
" Harp of Eastcheap, awake !"
Our thoughts hark back to the coverside, and our
heart o'erflows with recollections of the past, when
I
2 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
life rode the pace through our veins, and the bark of
the veriest mongrel, or the bray of the sorriest
costermonger's sorriest "Jerusalem," were far more
musical sounds than Paganini's pizzicatos or Catalini's
clamorous caterwaulings.
And thou, Goddess of the Silver Bow — chaste
Diana — deign to become the leading star of our
lucubrations ; come perch upon our grey goose-quill :
shout in our ear the maddening Tally-ho ! and ever
and anon give a salutary " refresher " to our memory
with thy heaven-wrought spurs — those spurs old
Vulcan forged when in his maddest mood — whilst we
relate such feats of town-born youths and city squires,
as shall "harrow up the souls" of milk-sop Melton's
choicest sons, and "fright their grass-galloping garrons
from their propriety." But gently, Pegasus ! Here
again, boys, and "let's to business," as they say on
'Change.
'Twere almost needless to inform our readers, that
such portion of a county as is hunted by any one
pack of hounds is technically denominated their
country ; and of all countries under the sun, that of
the Surrey subscription fox-hounds undoubtedly bears
the bell. This superiority arises from the peculiar
nature of the soil — wretched starvation stuff most
profusely studded with huge sharp flints, — the abund-
ance of large woods, particularly on the Kent side,
and the range of mountainous hills that run directly
through the centre, which afford accommodation to
the timid, and are unknown in most counties and
unequalled in any.
One of the most striking features in the aspect of
this chosen region of fox-hunting, is the quiet, easy
manner in which the sportsmen take the thing. On
they go — now trotting gently over the flints — now
softly ambling along the grassy ridge of some
stupendous hill — now quietly following each other in
long-drawn files, like geese, through some close and
SWELL AND THE SURREY 3
deep ravine or interminable wood, which re-echoes
to their never-ceasing holloas — every man shouting
in proportion to the amount of his subscription, until
day is made horrible with their yelling. There is no
pushing, jostling, rushing, cramming, or riding over
one another ; no jealousy, discord, or daring ; no
ridiculous foolhardy feats ; but each man cranes and
rides, and rides and cranes, in a style that would
gladden the eyes of a director of an insurance office.
The members of the Surrey are the people that
combine business with pleasure, and even in the
severest run can find time for sweet discourse, and
talk about the price of stocks or stockings. " Yooi,
wind him there, good dog, yooi, wind him." —
"Cottons is fell."— "Hark to Cottager! Hark!"
— "Take your bill at three months, or give you three-
and-a-half discount for cash." — "Eu in there, eu in,
Cheapside, good dog." — " Don't be in a hurry, sir,
pray ! He may be in the empty casks behind the
cooper's. Yooi, try for him, good bitch. Yooi, push
him out." — "You're not going down that bank, sure/v,
sir ? Why, it's almost perpendicular ! For God's
sake, sir, take care — remember you are not insured.
Ah ! you had better get off — here, let me hold your
nag, and when you're down you can catch mine ; —
thafs yo2ir sort, but mind he doesn't break the bridle.
He won't run away, for he knows I've got some sliced
carrots in my pocket to reward him if he does well. —
Thank you, sir, and now for a leg up — there we are
— that s your sort — I'll wait till you are up also, and
we'll be off together,"
It is this union of the elegant courtesies and
business of life with the energetic sports of the field,
that constitutes the charm of Surrey hunting ; and
who can wonder that smoked-dried cits, pent up
all the week, should gladly fly from their shops to
enjoy a day's sport on a Saturday? We must not,
however, omit to express a hope that young men, who
4 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
have their way to make in the world, may not be led
astray by its allurements. It is all very well for old-
established shopkeepers " to do a bit of pleasure "
occasionally, but the apprentice or journeyman, who
understands his duties and the tricks of his trade,
will never be found capering in the hunting field.
He will feel that his proper place is behind the
counter ; and while his master is away enjoying the
pleasures of the chase, he can prig as much " pewter "
from the till as will take both himself and his
"woman" to Sadler's Wells Theatre, or any other
place she may choose to appoint.
But to return to the Surrey. The town of Croydon,
nine miles from the standard in Cornhill, is the
general rendezvous of the gallant sportsmen. _ It is
the principal market town in the eastern division of
the county of Surrey ; and the chaw-bacons who carry
the produce of their acres to it, instead of to the
neighbouring village of London, retain much of their
pristine barbarity. The town furnishes an interest-
ing scene on a hunting morning, particularly on a
Saturday. At an early hour, groups of grinning cits
may be seen pouring in from the London side, some
on the top of Cloud's coaches, some in taxed carts,
but the greater number mounted on good serviceable-
looking nags, of the invaluable species, calculated for
sport or business, "warranted free from vice, and
quiet both to ride and in harness " ; some few there
are, who, with that kindness and considerate attention
which peculiarly mark this class of sportsmen, having
tacked a buggy to their hunter, and given a seat to
a friend, who, leaning over the back of the gig, his
jocund phiz turned towards his fidus Achates, leads
his own horse behind, listening to the discourse oi
" his ancient," or regaling him " with sweet converse " ;
and thus they onward jog, until the sign of the
Greyhound, stretching quite across the main street,
greets their expectant optics, and seems to forbid
SWELL AND THE SURREY 5
their passing the open portal below. In they wend
then, and having seen their horses "sorted," and the
collar marks (as much as may be) carefully effaced
by the shrewd application of a due quantity of grease
and lamp black, speed into " mine host," and order
a sound repast of the good things of this world ; the
which to discuss, they presently apply themselves
with a vigour that indicates as much a determination
to recruit fatigue endured, as to lay in a stock against
the effects of future exertion. Meanwhile the bustle
increases ; sportsmen arrive by the score, fresh tables
are laid out, covered with " no end " of vivers ; and
towards the hour of nine may be heard to perfection
that pleasing assemblage of sounds issuing from the
masticatory organs of a number of men steadfastly
and studiously employed in the delightful occupation
of preparing their mouthfuls for deglutition. " O nodes
cocticcqiie Dei7?n" saith friend Flaccus. Oh, hunting
breakfasts ! say we. Where are now the jocund laugh,
the repartee, the oft-repeated tale, the last debate?
As our sporting contemporary, the Quarterly, said,
when describing the noiseless pursuit of old Reynard
by the Quorn : — " Reader, there is no crash now, and
not much music." It is the tinker that makes a
great noise over a little work, but, at the pace these
men are eating, there is no time for babbling. So,
gentle lector, there is now no leisure for bandying
compliments, 'tis your small eater alone who chatters
o'er his meals ; your true-born sportsman is ever a
silent and, consequently, an assiduous grubber. True
it is that occasionally space is found between mouth-
fuls to vociferate "waiter !" in a tone that requires
not repetition ; and most sonorously do the throats of
the assembled eaters re-echo the sound ; but this is
all — no useless exuberance of speech ; — no, the knife
or fork is directed towards what is wanted, nor needs
there any more expressive intimation of the applicant's
wants.
6 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
At length the hour of ten approaches ; bills are
paid, pocket-pistols filled, sandwiches stowed away,
horses accoutred, and our bevy straddle forth into
the town, to the infinite gratification of troops of dirty-
nosed urchins, who, for the last hour, have been
peeping in at the windows, impatiently watching for
the exeunt of our worthies. — They mount, and away —
trot, trot, — bump, bump, — trot, — bump, bump, — over
Addington Heath, through the village and up the
hill to Hayes Common, which having gained, spurs
are applied, and any slight degree of pursiness that
the good steeds may have acquired by standing at
livery in Cripplegate, or elsewhere, is speedily pumped
out of them by a smart brush over the turf, to the
Fox, at Keston, where a numerous assemblage of
true sportsmen patiently await the usual hour for
throwing off. At length time being called, say twenty
minutes to eleven, and Mr. Jorrocks, Nodding Homer,
and the principal subscribers having cast up, the
hounds approach the cover. " Yooi in there f^ shouts
Tom Hill, who has long hunted this crack pack ;
and crack ! crack ! crack ! go the whips of some scores
of sportsmen. " Yelp, yelp, yelp," howl the hounds ;
and in about a quarter of an hour Tom has not
above four or five couple at his heels. This number
being a trifle, Tom runs his prad at a gap in the fence
by the woodside ; the old nag goes well at it, but
stops short at the critical moment, and, instead of
taking the ditch, bolts and wheels round. Tom, how-
ever, who is " large in the boiling-pieces," as they say
at Whitechapel, is prevented by his weight from being
shaken out of his saddle ; and, being resolved to take
no denial, he lays the crop of his hunting-whip about
the head of his beast, and runs him at the same spot a
second time, with an obligato accompaniment of his
spur-rowels, backed by a " curm along, then ! " issued in
such a tone as plainly informs his quadruped he is in
no joking humour. These incentives succeed in land-
SWELL AND THE SURREY 7
ing Tom and his nag in the wished-for spot, when
imn:iediately the wood begins to resound with shouts
of " Yoicks True-bo-y, yoicks True-bo-y, yoiclcs push
him up, yoicks wind him ! " and the whole pack begin
to work Uke good uns. Occasionally may be heard
the howl of some unfortunate hound that has been
caught in a fox-trap, or taken in a hare-snare ; and
not unfrequently the discordant growls of some three
or four more, vociferously quarrelling over the vener-
able remains of some defunct rabbit. " Oh, you
rogues," cries Mr. Jorrocks, a cit rapturously fond of
the sport. After the lapse of half an hour the noise
in the wood for a time increases audibly. 'Tis Tom
chastising the gourmands. Another quarter of an
hour, and a hound that has finished his coney bone
slips out of the wood, and takes a roll upon the
greensward, opining, no doubt, that such pastime is
preferable to scratching his hide among brambles in
the covers. " Hounds have no right to of trie,'" opines
the head whipper-in ; so clapping spurs into his prad,
he begins to pursue the delinquent round the common,
with " Markis, Markis ! what are you at, Markis ?
Get into cover, Markis ! " But " it's no go " ; Marquis
creeps through a hedge, and " grins horribly a ghastly
smile" at his ruthless tormentor, who wends back,
well pleased at having had an excuse for taking " a bit
gallop " ! Half an hour more slips away, and some
of the least hasty of our cits begin to wax impatient
in spite of the oft-repeated admonition, ^^ don't be in a
hurry I " At length a yokel pops out of the cover, and
as soon as he has recovered breath, informs the field
that he has been "a hoUorin' to 'em for half an hour,"
and that the fox had "gone away for Tatsfield, 'most
as soon as ever the 'oounds went into 'ood."
All is now hurry-scurry, — girths are tightened, —
reins gathered up, — half-munched sandwiches thrust
into the mouth, — pocket-pistols applied to, — coats
comfortably buttoned up to the throat; and, these
8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
preparations made, away goes the whole field,
"coolly and fairly," along the road to Leaves Green
and Crown Ash Hill, — from which latter spot, the
operations of the pack in the bottom may be com-
fortably and securely viewed, — leaving the whips to
flog as many hounds out of cover as they can, and
Tom to entice as many more as are willing to follow
the " twang, twang, twang " of his horn.
And now, a sufficient number of hounds having
been seduced from the wood, forth sallies "Tummas,"
and making straight for the spot where our yokel's
" mate " stands leaning on his plough-stilts, obtains
from him the exact latitude and longitude of the spot
where Reynard broke through the hedge. To this
identical place is the pack forthwith led ; and, no
sooner have they reached it, than the wagging of their
sterns clearly shows how genuine is their breed. Old
Strumpet, at length, first looking up in Tom's face for
applause, ventures to send forth a long-drawn howl,
which, coupled with Tom's screech, setting the rest
agog, away they all go, like beans ; and the wind,
fortunately setting towards Westerham, bears the
melodious sound to the delighted ears of our
"roadsters," who, forthwith catching the infection,
respond with deafening shouts, and joyous yells, set
to every key, and disdaining the laws of harmony.
Thus, what with Tom's horn, the halloaing of the
whips, and the shouts of the riders, a very pretty
notion may be formed of what Virgil calls —
" Clamorque virum clangorque tubarum " —
A terrible noise is the result !
At the end of nine minutes or so, the hounds
come to fault in the bottom, below the blacksmith's at
Crown Ash Hill, and the fox has a capital chance ; in
fact, they have changed for the blacksmith's tom cat,
which rushed out before them, and, finding their
mistake, return at their leisure. This gives the most
SWELL AND THE SURREY 9
daring of the field, on the eminence, an opportunity
of descending to view the sport more closely ; and
being assembled in the bottom, each congratulates
his neighbour on the excellent condition and staunch-
ness of the hounds, and the admirable view that has
been afforded them of their peculiar style of hunting.
At this interesting period, a " regular swell " from
Melton Mowbray, unknown to everyone except his
tailor, to whom he owes a long tick, makes his appear-
ance and affords abundance of merriment for our
sportsmen. He is just turned out of the hands of
his valet, and presents the very bemi ideal of his caste
— " quite the lady," in fact. His hat is stuck on one
side, displaying a profusion of well-waxed ringlets ;
a corresponding infinity of whisker, terminating at the
chin, there joins an enormous pair of moustaches,
which give him the appearance of having caught the
fox himself and stuck its brush below his nose. His
neck is very stiff; and the exact Jackson-like fit of
his coat, which almost nips him in two at the waist,,
and his superlatively well-cleaned leather Andersons,^
together with the perfume and the general puppyism
of his appearance, proclaim that he is a " swell " of
the very first water, and one that a Surrey sportsman
would like to buy at his own price and sell at the
other's. In addition to this, his boots, which his
" fellow " has just denuded from a pair of wash-leather
covers, are of the finest, brightest, blackest patent
leather imaginable ; the left one being the identical boot
by which Warren's monkey shaved himself, while the
right is the one at which the game-cock pecked, mis-
taking its own shadow for an opponent, the mark of
its bill being still visible above the instep ; and the
tops — whose pampered appetites have been fed on
champagne — are of the most delicate cream-colour,
' Anderson, of South Audley Street, is considered to be the
only man capable of cutting "unmentionables" worthy the
wear of a gentleman.
lo JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the whole devoid of mud or speck. The animal he
bestrides is no less calculated than himself to excite
the risible faculties of the field, being a sort of mouse
colour, with dun mane and tail, got by Nicolo, out
of a Flibbertygibbet mare, and he stands seventeen
hands and an inch. His head is small and blood-
like, his girth a mere trifle, and his legs, very long
and spidery, of course without any hair at the
pasterns to protect them from the flints ; his whole
appearance bespeaking him fitter to run for half-mile
hunters' stakes at Croxton Park or Leicester, than
contend for foxes' brushes in such a splendid country
as the Surrey. There he stands, with his tail stuck
tight between his legs, shivering and shaking for all
the world as if troubled with a fit of ague. And well
he may, poor beast, for — oh, men of Surrey, London,
Kent, and Middlesex, hearken to my word — on closer
inspection he proves to have been shaved ! ! ! ^
After a considerable time spent in casting to the
right, the left, and the rear, "True-^<?«v" chances to
take a fling in advance, and, hitting upon the scent,
proclaims it with his wonted energy, which drawing
all his brethren to the spot, they pick it slowly over
some brick-fields and flint-beds, to an old lady's
flower-garden, through which they carry it with a
surprising head into the fields beyond, when they
begin to fall into line, and the sportsmen doing the
same — "one at a time, and it will last the longer" —
" Tummas " tootles his horn, the hunt is up, and
away they all rattle at "Parliament pace," as the
hackney-coachmen say.
Our swell, who flatters himself he can "ride a few,"
according to the fashion of his country, takes up a
line of his own, abreast of the leading hounds,
notwithstanding the oft-vociferated cry of " Hold
hard, sir!" ''Fray, hold hard, sir!" "For God's
' Shaving was in great vogue at Melton some seasons back.
It was succeeded by clipping, and clipping by singeing.
SWELL AND THE SURREY ii
sake, hold hard, sir ! " " G — d d — n you, hold hard,
sir!" "Where the h — //are you going to, sir?" and
other famihar incjuiries and benedictions, with which
a stranger is sometimes greeted, who ventures to take
a look at a strange pack of hounds.
In the meantime the fox, who had often had a
game at romps with his pursuers, being resolved this
time to give them a tickler, bears straight away for
Westerham, to the infinite satisfaction of the " hill
folks," who thus have an excellent opportunity of
seeing the run without putting their horses to the
trouble of "rejoicing in their strength, or pawing in
the valley." But who is so fortunate as to be near
the scene of action in this second scurry, almost as
fast as the first? Our fancy supplies us, and there
not being many, we will just initialise them all, and
let him whom the cap fits put it on.
If we look to the left, nearly abreast of the three
couple of hounds that are leading by some half mile
or so, we shall see " Swell " — like a monkey on a
giraffe — striding away in the true Leicestershire style ;
the animal contracting its stride after every exertion
in pulling its long legs out of the deep and clayey
soil, until the Bromley barber, who has been quilting
his mule along at a fearful rate, and in high dudgeon
at anyone presuming to exercise his profession upon
a dumb brute, overtakes him, and in the endeavour
to pass, lays it into his mule in a style that would
insure him rotatory occupation at Brixton for his
spindles, should any member of the Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals witness his
proceedings ; while his friend and neighbour old B.,
the tinker, plies his little mare with the Brummagems,
to be ready to ride over " Swell " the instant the
barber gets him down. On the right of the leading
hounds are three crack members of the Surrey,
Messrs. B — e, S — bs, and B — 1, all lads who can go ;
while a long way in the rear of the body of the pack
12 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
are some dozen, who, while they sat on the hills,
thought they could also, but who now find out their
mistake. Down Windy Lane, a glimpse of a few red
coats may be caught passing the gaps and weak parts
of the fence, among whom we distinctly recognize the
worthy master of the pack, followed by Jorrocks,
with his long coat laps floating in the breeze, who
thinking that " catching-time " must be near at hand,
and being dearly fond of blood, has descended from
his high station to witness the close of the scene.
" Vot a pace ! and vot a country ! " cries the grocer,
standing high in his stirrups, and bending over the
neck of his chestnut as though he were meditating a
plunge over his head ; " how they stick to him ! vot
a pack ! by Jove, they are at fault again. Yooi,
Pilgrim ! Yooi, Warbler, ma load ! (lad). Tom, try
down the hedge-row." "Hold your jaw, Mr. J.,"
cries Tom, "you are always throwing that red rag of
yours. I wish you would keep your potato-trap shut.
See ! you've made every hound throw up, and it's ten
to one that ne'er a one among 'em will stoop again."
" K?//der he goes," cries a cock of the old school, who
used to hunt with Colonel JoUiffe's hounds, and still
sports the long blue surtout lined with orange, yellow-
ochre unmentionables, and mahogany-coloured knee-
caps, with mother-of-pearl buttons. " yb«der he goes
among the ship (sheep), for a thousand ! see how the
skulking waggabone makes them scamper." At this
particular moment a shrill scream is heard at the far
end of a long shaw, and every man pushes on to the
best of his endeavour. "Holloo o-o-u, Kloo o-o-u,
h'loo, o-o-u, gone away ! gone away ! ioxrard ! forrard !
hark back ! hark forrard ! hark forrard ! hark back ! "
resounds from every mouth. " He's making for the
'oods beyond Addington, and we shall have a rare
teaser up these hills," cries Jorrocks, throwing his
arms round his horse's neck as he reaches the foot of
them. "D— n your hills," cries "Swell," as he
SWELL AND THE SURREY 13
suddenly finds himself sitting on the hind quarters of
his horse, his saddle having slipped back for want of
the hunting martingal ^ ; " I wish the hills had been
piled on your back, and the flints thrust down your
confounded throat, before I came into such a cursed
provincial." " Haw, haw, haw ! " roars a Croydon
butcher, — "what, don't 'e like it, sir, eh? too sharp
to be pleasant, eh? — Your nag should have put on
his boots before he showed among //i-."
" He's making straight for Fuller's Farm," exclaims
a thirsty veteran on reaching the top, "and Fll pull
up and have a nip of ale, please God." " Hang your
ale," cries a certain sporting cheesemonger, " you had
better come out with a barrel of it tacked to your
horse's tail." — "Or 'unt on a steam engine," adds his
friend the omnibus proprietor, "and then you can
brew as you go." "We shall have the Croydon
Canal," cries Mr. H — n, of Tottenham, who knows
every flint in the country, "and how will you like that,
my hearties?" "Curse the Croydon Canal," bawls
the little Bromley barber, "my mule can swim like a
soap-bladder, and my toggery can't spoil, thank God ! "
The prophecy turns up. Having skirted Fuller's
Farm, the villain finds no place to hide ; and in two
minutes or less, the canal appears in view. It is full
of craft, and the locks are open, but there is a bridge
about half a mile to the right. " If my horse can do
nothing else he can jump - this," cries Swell, as he
gathers him together, and prepares for the effort.
He hardens his heart and goes at it full tilt, and the
leggy animal lands him three yards on the other side.
"Curse this fellow," cries Jorrocks, grinning with
rage as he sees "Swell" skimming through the air
like a swallow on a summer's eve, " he'll have a laugh
at the Surrey for ever and ever. Amen. Oh dear !
^ Hunting martingale.
2 "Jumping" is Leicestershire for leaping — leaping provincial
for jumping.
14 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
oh dear ! I wish I dursl leap it. What shall I do ?
Here, Bari^^i?," cries he to a bargeman, "lend us a
help over, and I'll give you ninepence." The barge-
man takes him at his word, and getting the vessel
close to the water's edge, Jorrocks has nothing to do
but ride in, and the opposite bank being accom-
modating, he lands without difficulty. Ramming
his spurs into his nag, he now starts after "Swell,"
who is sailing away with a few couple of hounds that
took the canal ; the body of the pack and all the rest
of the field — except the Bromley barber, who is now
floundering in the water — having gone round to the
bridge.
The country is open, the line being across
commons and along roads, so that Jorrocks, who is
not afraid of "the pace" so long as there is no
leaping, has a pretty good chance with "Swell."
The scene now shifts. On turning out of a lane,
along which they have just rattled, a fence of this
description appears : the bottom part is made of flints,
and the upper part of mud, with gorse stuck along
the top, and there is a gutter on each side. Jorrocks,
seeing that a leap is likely, hangs astern, and " Swell,"
thinking to shake off his only opponent, and to have
a rare laugh at the Surrey when he gets back to
Melton, puts his nag at it most manfully, who,
though somewhat blown, manages to get his long
carcass over, but, unfortunately alighting on a bed of
flints on the far side, cuts a back sinew, and " Swell "
measures his length on the head-land. Jorrocks then
pulls up.
The tragedy of George Barnwell ends with a death,
and we are happy in being able to gratify our readers
with a similar entertainment. Already have the best-
mounted men in the field attained the summit of one
of the Mont Blancs of the country, when, on looking
down the other side of the " mountain's brow," they,
to their infinite astonishment, espy at some distance
SWELL AND THE SURREY 15
our "Swell" dismounted and playing at "pull-devil,
pull baker," with the hounds, whose discordant
bickerings rend the skies. " Whoo-hoop t " cries one ;
'■' whoo-hoop I '' responds another; '■'■ ivhoo-Jwop I '^
screams a third; and the contagion spreading and
each man dismounting, they descend the hill with
due caution, whoo-hooping, hallooing, and congratu-
lating each other on the splendour of the run, inter-
spersed with divers surmises as to what mighty magic
had aided the hounds in getting on such good terms
with the warmint; and exclamations at the good
fortune of the stranger, in being able (by nicking,^
and the fox changing his line) to get in at the
finish.
And now some dozens of sportsmen, quietly
ambling up to the scene of action, view with delight
(alone equalled by their wonder at so unusual and
unexpected an event) the quarrels of the hounds, as
they dispute with each other the possession of their
victim's remains, when suddenly a gentleman, clad in
a bright green silk-velvet shooting coat, with white
leathers, and Hessian boots with large tassels, carrying
his Joe Manton on his shoulder, issues from an ad-
joining coppice, and commences a loud complaint of
the " unhandsome conduct of the gentlemen's 'ounds
in devouring the 'are (hare) which he had taken so
much pains to shoot." Scarcely are these words out
of his mouth than the whole hunt, from Jorrocks
downwards, let drive such a rich torrent of abuse at
our unfortunate chasseur, that he is fain to betake
himself to his heels, leaving them undisputed masters
of the field.
The visages of our sportsmen become dismally
lengthened on finding that their fox has been
" gathered unto his fathers " by means of hot lead and
that villainous saltpetre " digged out of the bowels of
1 A stranger never rides straight if he beats the members of
the hunt.
i6 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the harmless earth " ; some few, indeed, there are, who
are bold enough to declare that the pack has actually
made a meal of a hare, and that their fox is snugly
earthed in the neighbouring cover. However, as
there are no " relliquias Dajiaum,^^ to prove or disprove
this assertion, Tom Hill, having an eye to the cap-
money, ventures to give it as his opinion, that pug
has fairly yielded to his invincible pursuers, without
having "dropped to shot." This appearing to give
very general satisfaction, the first whip makes no
scruple of swearing that he saw the hounds pull htm
down fairly ; and Peckham, drawing his mouth up on
one side, with his usual intellectual grin, takes a
similar affidavit. The Bromley barber too, anxious to
have it to say that he has for once been in at the
death of a fox, vows by his beard that he saw the
" varmint " lathered in style ; and these protestations
being received with clamorous applause, and every-
one being pleased to have so unusual an event to
record to his admiring spouse, agrees that a fox has
not only been killed, but killed in a most sportsman-
like, workman-like, business-like manner; and long
and loud are the congratulations, great is the in-
creased importance of each man's physiognomy,
and thereupon they all lug out their half-crowns for
Tom Hill.
In the meantime our " Swell " lays hold of his nag —
who is sorely damaged with the flints, and whose wind
has been pretty well pumped out of him by the hills —
and proceeds to lead him back to Croydon, inwardly
promising himself for the future most studiously to
avoid the renowned county of Surrey, its woods, its
barbers, its mountains, and its flints, and to leave
more daring spirits to overcome the difficulties it
presents ; most religiously resolving, at the same time,
to return as speedily as possible to his dear Leicester-
shire, there to amble o'er the turf, and fancy himself
an "angel on horseback." The story of the country
SWELL AND THE SURREY 17
mouse, who must needs see the town, occurs forcibly
to his recollection, and he exclaims aloud —
"me sylva, cavusque
Tutus ab insidiis tenui solabitur ervo,"
on overhearing which, Mr. Jorrocks hurries back to
his brother subscribers, and informs them, very
gravely, that the stranger is no less a personage than
" Prince Matuchevitz, the Russian ambassador and
minister plenipotentiary extraordinary," whereupon
the whole field join in wishing him safe back in Russia
— or atiywhere else — and wonder at his incredible
assurance in supposing that he could cope with
The Surrey Hunt.
THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE
SURREY
IT is an axiom among fox-hunters that the hounds
they individually hunt with are the best —
compared with them all others are " slmv."
Of this species of pardonable egotism, Mr. Jorrocks
— who in addition to the conspicuous place he holds
in the Surrey Hunt, as shown in the preceding
chapter, we should introduce to our readers as a
substantial grocer in St. Botolph's Lane, with an
elegant residence in Great Coram Street, Russell
Square — has his full, if not rather more than his fair
share. Vanity, however, is never satisfied without
display, and Mr. Jorrocks longed for a customer
before whom he could exhibit the prowess of his"^
pack.
Chance threw in his way a young Yorkshireman
who, frequently appearing in subsequent pages, we
may introduce as a looseish sort of hand, up to any-
thing in the way of a lark, but rather deficient in cash
— a character so common in London as to render
further description needless.
Now it is well known that a Yorkshireman, like a
dragoon, is nothing without his horse, and if he does
understand anything better than racing — it is hunting.
Our readers will therefore readily conceive that a
Yorkshireman is more likely to be astonished at the
' Subscribers, speaking to strangers, always talk of the hounds
as their own.
18
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 19
possibility of fox-hunting from London, than capti-
vated by the country, or style of turn-out ; and in
truth, looking at it calmly and dispassionately, in our
easy-chair drawn to a window, which overlooks the
cream of the grazing grounds in the Vale of White-
horse, it does strike us with astonishment, that such
a thing as a fox should be found within a day's ride
of the suburbs. The very idea seems preposterous,
for one cannot but associate the charms of a " find "
with the horrors of " going to ground " in an omnibus,
or the fox being headed by a great Dr. Eady placard,
or some such monstrosity. Mr. Mayne,^ to be sure,
has brought racing home to every man's door, but
fox-hunting is not quite so tractable a sport. But to
our story.
It was on a nasty, cold, foggy, dark drizzling
morning in the month of February that the
Yorkshireman, having been offered a "mount" by
Mr. Jorrocks, found himself shivering under the
Piazza in Covent Garden about seven o'clock,
surrounded by cabs, cabbages, carrots, ducks, dollys,
and drabs of all sorts, waiting for his horse and the
appearance of the friend who had seduced him into
the extraordinary predicament of attiring himself in
top-boots and breeches in London. After pacing up
and down some minutes, the sound of a horse's hoofs
were heard turning down from Long Acre, and
reaching the lamp-post at the corner of James Street,
his astonished eyes were struck with the sight of a
man in a capacious, long, full-tailed, red frock coat
reaching nearly to his spurs, with mother-of-pearl
buttons, with sporting devices, — which afterwards
proved to be foxes, done in black, — brown shag
breeches, that would have been spurned by the late
^ [The promoter of] the Hippodrome, a new establishment in
the fields, near Bayswater, which may be described as a course
for the promotion of illegitimate racing [a speculation that soon
came to grief].
20 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
worthy master of the Hurworth,^ and boots, that
looked for all the world as if they were made to tear
up the very land and soil, tied round the knees with
pieces of white tape, the flowing ends of which
dangled over the mahogany - coloured tops. Mr.
Jorrocks — whose dark collar, green, to his coat, and
tout-ensemble, might have caused him to be mistaken
for a mounted general postman — was on a most
becoming steed, — a great raking, raw-boned chestnut,
with a twisted snaffle in his mouth, decorated with a
faded yellow silk front, a nose-band, and an ivory
ring under his jaws, for the double purpose of keeping
the reins together and Jorrocks's teeth in his head,
— the nag having flattened the noses and otherwise
damaged the countenances of his two previous
owners, who had not the knack of preventing him
tossing his head in their faces. The saddle — large
and capacious — made on the principle of the im-
possibility of putting a round of beef upon a pudding-
plate — was "spick and span new," as was an
enormous hunting-whip, whose iron-headed hammer
he clenched in a way that would make the blood
curdle in one's veins, to see such an instrument in
the hands of a misguided man.
" Punctuality is the politeness of princes," said Mr.
Jorrocks, raising a broad-brimmed, lowish-crowned
hat, as high as a green hunting-cord which tackled it
to his yellow waistcoat by a fox's tooth would allow,
as he came upon the Yorkshireman at the corner,
" My soul's on fire and eager for the chase ! By
heavens, I declare I've dreamt of nothing else all
night, and the worst of it is, that in a par-ox-ism of
delight, when I thought I saw the darlings running
into the warmint, I brought Mrs. J. such a dig in the
side as knocked her out of bed, and she swears she'll
^ The late Mr. Wilkinson, commonly called " Matty
Wilkinson," master of the Hurworth fox-hounds, was a rigid
adherent of the "d — n-all-dandy" school of sportsmen.
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 21
go to Jenner, and the court for the protection of in-
jured ribs ! But come — jump up — where's your nag ?
Binjimin, you blackguard, where are you ? The fog is
blinding me, I declare ! Binjimin, I say ! Binjimin !
you willain, where are you ? "
" Here, sir ! coming ! " responded a voice from the
bottom of one of the long mugs at a street breakfast
stall, which the fog almost concealed from their
view, and presently an urchin in a drab coat and
blue collar came towing a wretched, ewe-necked,
hungry-looking, roan rosinante along from where he
had been regaling himself with a mug of undeniable
bohea, sweetened with a composition of brown sugar
and sand.
"Now be after getting up," said Jorrocks, "for
time and the Surrey 'ounds wait for no man. That's
not a werry elegant tit, but still it'll carry you to
Croydon well enough, where I'll put you on a most
undeniable bit of 'orse flesh — a reg'lar clipper. That's
a hack, — what they calls three-and-sixpence a side,
but I only pays half a crown. Now, Binjimin, cut
away home, and tell Batsay to have dinner ready at
half-past five to a minute, and to be most particular
in doing the lamb to a turn."
The Yorkshireman having adjusted himself in the
old flat-flapped hack saddle, and got his stirrups let
out from "Binjimin's" length to his own, gathered
up the stiff weather-beaten reins, gave the animal a
touch with his spurs, and fell into the rear of Mr.
Jorrocks. The morning appeared to be getting
worse. Instead of the grey day-dawn of the country,
when the thin transparent mist gradually rises from
the hills, revealing an unclouded landscape, a dense,
thick, yellow fog came rolling in masses along the
streets, obscuring the gas lights, and rendering every
step one of peril. It could be both eat and felt, and
the damp struck through their clothes in the most
summary manner. "This is bad,'' said Mr. Jorrocks,
22 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
coughing as he turned the corner by Drury Lane,
making for Catherine Street, and upsetting an early
breakfast and periwinkle stall, by catching one corner
of the fragile fabric with his .toe, having ridden too
near to the pavement. "Where are you for now?
and bad luck to ye, ye boiled lobster ! " roared a
stout Irish wench, emerging from a neighbouring gin-
palace, on seeing the dainty viands rolling in the
street. ^' Cut away/" cried Jorrocks to his friend,
running his horse between one of George Stapleton's
dust-carts and a hackney-coach, " or the Philistines
will be upon us." The fog and crowd concealed
them, but " HuUoa ! mind where you're going, you
great haw-buck," from a buy-a-hearthstone boy, whose
stock-in-trade Jorrocks nearly demolished as he
crossed the corner of Catherine Street before him,
again roused his vigilance. "The deuce be in the
fog," said he, " I declare I can't see across the
Strand. It's as dark as a wolfs mouth. — Now,
where are you going to with that measly-looking cab
of yours? — you've nearly run your shafts into my
'oss's ribs ! " cried he to a cabman who nearly upset
him. The Strand was kept alive by a few slip-shod
housemaids, on their marrow-bones, washing the
doorsteps or ogling the neighbouring pot-boy on his
morning errand for the pewters. Now and then a
crazy jarvey passed slowly by, while a hurrying mail,
with a drowsy driver and sleeping guard, rattled by,
to deliver their cargo at the post-office. Here and
there appeared one of those beings, who, like the
owl, hide themselves by day and are visible only in
the dusk. Many of them appeared to belong to the
other world. Poor, puny, ragged, sickly -looking
creatures, that seemed as though they had been
suckled and reared with gin. " How different,"
thought the Yorkshireman to himself, "to the fine,
stout, active labourer one meets at an early hour on
a hunting morning in the country ! " His reverie
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 23
was interrupted on arriving opposite The Morning
Chronicle Office, by the most discordant yells that
ever issued from human beings, and on examining
the quarter from whence they proceeded, a group of
fifty or a hundred boys, or rather little old men, were
seen with newspapers in their hands and under their
arms, in all the activity of speculation and exchange.
" A clean Post for Tuesday's Times ! " bellowed one.
"I want the Hurl (Herald) for the Satirist \"
shouted another. ''Bell's Life for the £ull\ The
Spectator for the Sunday Times ! "
The approach of our sportsmen was the signal for a
change of the chorus, and immediately Jorrocks was
assailed with " A hunter ! a hunter ! crikey, a hunter !
My eyes ! there's a gamecock for you ! Vot a beauty !
Vere do you turn out to-day? Yere's the stag?
Don't tumble off, old boy ! 'Ave you got ever a
rope in your pocket? Take BelPs Life in London,
vot contains all the sporting news of the country !
Vot a vip the gemman's got ! vot a precious baster-
nadering he could give us — my eyes, vot a swell !
— vot a shocking bad hat ! ^ — vot shocking bad
breeches ! "
The fog, which became denser at every step, by the
time they reached St. Clement's Danes rendered their
further progress almost impossible. — " Oh dear ! oh
dear ! how unlucky," exclaimed Jorrocks, " I would
have given twenty pounds of best Twankay for a fine
day — and see what a thing we've got ! Hold my
'oss," said he to the Yorkshireman, "while I run into
the Angel, and borrow an argand burner, or we shall
be endorsed ^ to a dead certainty." Off he got and
ran to the inn. Presently he emerged from the yard
— followed by horse-keepers, coach-washers, porters,
cads, waiter, and others, amid loud cries of '■'flare up,
^ "Vot a shocking bad hat !" — the slang cockney phrase of
1831.
- City — for having a pole run into one's rear.
24 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
flare up, old cock ! tallyho fox-hunter ! " — with a
bright mail-coach foot-board lamp, strapt to his
middle, which, lighting up the whole of his broad
back, now cased in scarlet, gave him the appearance
of a gigantic red-and-gold insurance office badge, or
an elderly cherub without wings.
The hackney-coach and cab-men, along whose lines
they passed, could not make him out at all. Some
thought he was a mail-coach guard riding post with
the bags ; but, as the light was pretty strong, he trotted
on regardless of observation. The fog, however,
abated none of its denseness even on the "Surrey
side," and before they reached the Elephant and
Castle, Jorrocks had run against two trucks, three
water-cress women, one pies-all-ci/ ! all-i?/ ! man, dis-
persed a whole covey of Welsh milk-maids, and rode
slap over one end of a buy ''at (hat) box ! bonnet
box ! man's pole, damaging a dozen paste-boards, and
finally upsetting Balham Hill Joe's " Barcelona come,
crack 'em and try 'em" stall at the door of the
inn, for all whose benedictions, the Yorkshireman,
as this great fox-hunting knight-errant's " Esquire,"
came in.
Here the Yorkshireman would fain have persuaded
Mr. Jorrocks to desist from his Quixotic undertaking,
but he turned a deaf ear to his entreaties. " We are
getting fast into the country, and I hold it to be
utterly impossible for this fog to extend beyond
Kennington Common — 'twill ewaporate, you'll see, as
we approach the open. Indeed, if I mistake not, I
begin to sniff the morning air already, and hark !
there's a lark carolling before us ! " " Now, spooney !
where are you for?" bellowed a carter, breaking off
in the middle of his whistle, as Jorrocks rode slap
against his leader, the concussion at once dispelling
the pleasing pastoral delusion, and nearly knocking
Jorrocks off his horse.
As they approached Brixton Hill, a large red ball
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 25
of lurid light appeared in the firmament, and just at
the moment up rode another member of the Surrey
hunt, in uniform, whom Jorrocks hailed as Mr. Crane.
" By Jave, 'ow beautiful the moon is," said the latter,
after the usual salutations. " Moon ! " said Mr.
Jorrocks, " that's not never no moon — I reckon it's
Mrs. Graham's balloon." " Come, that's a good un,"
said Crane ; " perhaps you'll lay me an 'at about it."
" Done ! " said Mr. Jorrocks, " a guinea one — and
we'll ax my friend here. — Now, what's that?" "Why,
judging from its position and the hour, I should say
it is the sun ! " was the reply.
We have omitted to mention that this memorable
day was a Saturday, one on which civic sportsmen
exhibit. We may also premise, that the particular
hunt we are about to describe took place when there
were very many packs of hounds within reach of the
Metropolis, all of which boasted their respective
admiring subscribers. As our party proceeded, they
overtook a gentleman perusing a long bill of the
meets for the next week, of at least half a dozen
packs, the top of the list being decorated with a cut
of a stag-hunt, and the bottom containing a notifica-
tion that hunters were "carefully attended to by
Charles Morton,^ at the Derby Arms, Croydon," a
snug, rural auberge, near the barrack. On the
hunting bill of fare were Mr. Jolliffe's fox-hounds, Mr.
Meager's harriers, the Derby stag-hounds, the Sander-
stead harriers, the Union fox-hounds, the Surrey
fox-hounds, rabbit beagles on Epsom Downs, and
dwarf fox-hounds on Woolwich Common. What a
list to bewilder a stranger ! The Yorkshireman left it
all to Mr. Jorrocks.
^ Where the carrion is, there will be the crow, and on the
demise of the "Surrey staggtxs," Charley brushed off to the
west, to valet the gentlemen's hunters that attend the Ro3-al
Stag - Hunt. — Vide Sir F. Grant's picture of the Meet of the
Royal Stag- Hounds.
26 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
" You're for Jolliffe, I suppose," said the gentleman
with the bill, to another with a blue coat and buff
lining; "he's at Chipstead church — only six miles
from Croydon, a sure find and good country."
" What are you for, Mr. Jorrocks ? " inquired another
in green, with black velvet breeches, Hessian boots,
and a red waistcoat, who just rode up. '''■My own, to
be sure," said Jorrocks, taking hold of the green
collar of his coat, as much as to say, " How can you
ask such a question?" "Oh no," said the gentleman
in green, "come to the stag, — much better sport —
sure of a gallop — open country — get it over soon —
back in town before the post goes out." Before Mr.
Jorrocks had time to make a reply to this last inter-
rogatory, they were overtaken by another horseman,
who came hopping along at a sort of butcher's shuffle,
on a worn-out, three-legged, four-cornered hack, with
one eye, a rat-tail, and a head as large as a fiddle-case
— "Who's for the blue mottles?" said he, casting a
glance at their respective coats, and at length fixing
it on the Yorkshireman. " Why, Dickens, you're not
going thistle-whipping with that nice 'orse of yours,"
said the gentleman in the velvets ; "come and see the
stag turned out — sure of a gallop — no hedges — soft
country — plenty of publics — far better sport, man,
than pottering about looking for your foxes and hares,
and wasting your time; take my advice, and come
with me." "But," says Dickens, "my 'orse won't
stand it ; I had him in the shay till eleven last night,
and he came forty-three mile with our traveller the
day before, else he's a 'good un to go,' as you know.
Do you remember the (9Zf/-dacious leap he took over
the tinker's tent, at the Epping 'unt, last Easter?
How he astonished the natives within ! " " Yes ; but
then, you know, you fell head-foremost through the
canvas, and no wonder that your ugly mug frightened
them," replied he of the velvets. "Ay; but that was
in consequence of my riding by balance, instead of
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 27
gripping with my legs," replied Dickens; "you see, I
had taken seven lessons in riding at the school in
Bidborough Street, Burton Crescent, and they always
told me to balance myself equally on the saddle, and
harden my heart, and ride at whatever came in the
way ; and the tinker's tent coming tirst, why, naturally
enough, I went at it. But I have had some practice
since then, and, of course, can stick on better. I
have 'unted regularly ever since, and can 'do the
trick' now," "What, summer and winter?" said
Jorrocks. "No," replied he, "but I have 'unted
regularly every fifth Saturday since the 'unting began."
After numerous discourses similar to the foregoing,
they arrived at the end of the first stage on the road
to the hunt, namely, the small town of Croydon, the
rendezvous of London sportsmen. The whole place
was alive with red coats, green coats, blue coats,
black coats, brown coats — in short, coats of all the
colours of the rainbow. Horsemen were mounting,
horsemen were dismounting, one-horse "shays" and
two-horse chaises were discharging their burthens,
grooms were buckling on their masters' spurs, and
others w^ere pulling off their overalls. Eschewing the
Greyhound, they turn short to the right, and make for
the Derby Arms' hunting stables.
Charley Morton, a fine old boy of his age, was
buckling on his armour for the fight; his soul, too,
was "on fire, and eager for the chase." He was for
the " venison " ; and having mounted his " deer-
stalker," was speedily joined by divers perfect " swells,"
in beautiful leathers, beautiful coats, beautiful tops,
beautiful everything, except horses, and off they rode
to cut in for the first course, — a stag-hunt on a
Saturday being usually divided into three.
The ride down had somewhat sharpened Jorrocks's
appetite ; and feeling, as he said, quite ready for his
dinner, he repaired to Mr. Morton's house, — a kind
of sporting snuggery, everything in apple-pie order
28 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
and very good, — where he baited himself on sausages
and salt herrings, a basin of new milk, with some
" sticking-powder," as he called it, alias rum, infused
into it ; and having deposited a half-quartern loaf in
one pocket, as a sort of balance against a huge bunch
of keys which rattled in the other, he pulled out his
watch, and, finding they had a quarter of an hour to
spare, proposed to chaperone the Yorkshireman on
a tour of the hunting stables. Jorrocks summoned
the ostler, and with great dignity led the way.
" Humph," said he, evidently disappointed at seeing
half the stalls empty, " no great show this morning —
pity — gentleman come from a distance — should like
to have shown him some good nags. — What sort of a
devil's this?" "Oh, sir, he's a good un, and nothing
but a good un ! — Leap ! Lord love you, he'll leap
anything. A railway cut, a windmill with the sails
going, a navigable river with ships — anything in short.
This is the 'orse wot took the line of houses down at
Beddington the day they had the /"/-^mendous run from
Reigate Hill." " And wot's the grey in the far stall ? "
"Oh, that's Mr. Pepper's old nag — Pepper- C^j-/^r, as
we call him, since he threw the old gemman, the
morning they met at the Leg-of-Mutton at Ashstead.
But he's good for nothing. Bless ye ! his tail shakes
for all the world like a pepper-box afore he's gone
half a mile. Those be yours in the far stalls, and
since they were turned round I've won a bob of
a gemman who I bet I'd show him two 'osses with
their heads vere their tails should be.^ I always
says," added he, with a leer, " that you rides the best
'osses of any gemman vot comes to our governor's."
This flattered Jorrocks, and sidling up, he slipped a
shilling into his hand, saying, "Well, bring them
out, and let's see how they look this morning." The
stall reins are slipped, and out they step with their
' A favourite joke among grooms when a horse is turned round
in his stall.
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 29
hoods on their quarters. One was a large, fat, full-
sized chestnut, with a wide ratch down the full extent
of his face, a long square tail, bushy mane, with
untrimmed heels. The other was a brown, about
fifteen-two, coarse-headed, with a rat tail, and collar-
marked. The tackle was the same as they came
down with. " You'll do the trick on that, I reckon,"
said Jorrocks, throwing his leg over the chestnut, and
looking askew at the Yorkshireman as he mounted.
" Tatt., and old Tatt., and Tatt. sen. before him, all
agree that they never knew a bad 'oss with a rat tail.
But, let me tell you, you must be iverry lively, if you
mean to live with our 'ounds. They go like the wind.
But come ! touch him with the spur, and let's do a
troL" The Yorkshireman obeyed, and getting into
the main street, onwards they jogged, right through
Croydon, and struck into a line of villas of all sorts,
shapes, and sizes, which extend for several miles
along the road, exhibiting all sorts of architecture —
Gothic, Corinthian, Doric, Ionic, Dutch, and Chinese.
These gradually diminished in number, and at length
they found themselves on an open heath, within a
few miles of the meet of the " Surrey fox-hounds."
" Now," says Mr. Jorrocks, clawing up his smalls,
"you will see the werry finest pack of hounds in all
England ; I don't care where the next best are ; and
you will see as good a turn-out as ever you saw in
your life, and as nice a country to ride over as ever
you were in."
They reach the meet, — a wayside public-house on
a common, before which the hounds with their attend-
ants and some fifty or sixty horsemen, many of them
in scarlet, were assembled. Jorrocks was received
with the greatest cordiality, and whoops and halloas,
and cries of, " Now Twankay ! now Sugar ! — now
Figs ! " Waving his hand in token of recognition, he
passed on and made straight for Tom Hill, with
a face full of importance, and nearly rode over a
30 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
hound in his hurry. " Now, Tom," said he, with the
greatest energy, "^c, my good fellow, strain every
nerve to show sport to-day. A gentleman has come
all the way from the north-east side of the town of
Boroughbridge, in the county of York, to see our
excellent 'ounds, and I would fain have him galva-
nized. Do show us a run, and let it end with blood,
so that he may have something to tell the natives
when he gets back to his own parts. That's him,
see, sitting under the yew-tree, in a bottle-green coat
with basket buttons, just striking a light on the pommel
of his saddle to indulge in a fumigation. — Keep your
eye on him all day, and if you can lead him over an
awkward place, and get him a purl, so much the
better. — If he'll risk his neck, I'll risk my oss's."
The Yorkshireman, having lighted his cigar and
tightened his girths, rode leisurely among the horse-
men, many of whom were in eager council, and
a gentle breeze wafted divers scraps of conversation
to his ear.
What is that hound got by? No. How is that
horse bred ? No. What sport had you on Wednes-
day ? No. Is it a likely fmd to-day ? No, no, no ;
it was not where the hounds, but what the consols, left
off at ; what the four per cents., and not the four
horses, were up to ; what the condition of the money,
not the horse, market. "Anything doing in Danish
bonds, sir?" said one. "You must do it by lease
and release, and levy a fine," replied another. Scott
V. Brown, crim. con., to be heard by the Chief Justice
on or before Wednesday next. — Barley thirty-two to
forty-two. — Fine upland meadow and rye-grass hay,
seventy to eighty. — The last pocket of hops I sold
brought seven pounds fifteen shillings. Sussex bags
six pounds ten shillings. There were only twenty-
eight and a quarter ships at market, "and coals are
coals." " Glad to hear it, sir, for half the last you
sent me were slates." — "Best qualities of beef four
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 31
shillings and eightpence a stone — mutton three shil-
lings and eightpence to four shillings and sixpence. —
He was exceedingly ill when I paid my last visit ; I
gave him nearly a stone of Epsom salts, and bled him
twice. — This horse would suit you to a T, sir, but my
skip-jack is coming out on one at two o'clock that
can carry a house. — See what a bosom this one's got.
— Well, Gunter, old boy, have you iced your horse
to-day ? — Have you heard that Brown and Co. are in
the Gazette! No, which Brown — not John Brown?
No, William Brown. What, Brown of Goodman's
Fields ? No, Brown of of Street — Brown*? with
an e ; you know the man I mean. — Oh ! Lord, ay,
the man wot used to be called nosey Browne." A
general move ensued, and they left "the meet."
" Vere be you going to turn out, pray, sir, may I
inquire ? " said a gentleman in green to the huntsman,
as he turned into a field. " Turn out," said he, " why,
ye don't suppose we be come calf-hunting, do ye?
We ihrmvs off some two stones' throw from here, if so
be you mean what cover we are going to draw."
"No," said the green-coat, "I mean, where do you
turn out the stag?" — "D — n the stag, we know
nothing about such matters," replied the huntsman,
"Ware wheat! ware wheat! ware wheat!" was now
the general cry, as a gentleman in nankeen pantaloons
and Hessian boots, with long brass spurs, commenced
a navigation across a sprouting crop. " Ware wheat,
ware wheat ! " replied he, considering it part of the
ceremony of hunting, and continuing his forward
course, " Come to my side," said Mr. to the
whipper-in, " and meet that gentleman as he arrives
at yonder gate ; and keep by him while I scold you."
— "Now, sir, most particularly d — n you, for riding
slap-dash over the young wheat, you most confounded
insensible ignorant tinker, isn't the headland wide
enough both for you and your horse, even if your
spurs were as long again as they are?" Shouts of
32 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
" Yooi over, over, over hounds — try for him — yoicks
— wind him ! good dogs — yoicks ! — stir him up —
have at him there ! " — here interrupted the jawbation,
and the whip rode off shaking his sides with Laughter.
" Your horse has got a stone in each fore-foot, and a
thorn in his near hock," observed a dentist to a whole-
sale haberdasher from Ludgate Hill, "allow me to
extract them for you — no pain, I assure — over before
you know it." " Come away, hounds ! come away ! "
was heard, and presently the huntsman, with some of
the pack at his horse's heels, issued from the wood
playing " Rule Britannia " on a key bugle, while the
cracks of heavy-thonged whips warned the stragglers
and loiterers to follow. "Music hath charms to
soothe the savage beast^^ observed Jorrocks, as he
tucked the laps of his frock over his thighs, " and I
hope we shall find before long, else that quarter of
house-lamb will be utterly ruined. Oh dear, they are
going below him, I do believe ! why, we shall never
get home to-day, and I told Mrs. Jorrocks half-past
five to a minute, and I invited old Fleecy, who is a
most punctual man."
Jorrocks was right in his surmise. They arrived
on the summit of a range of steep hills commanding
an extensive view over the neighbouring country —
almost, he said, as far as the seacoast. The hunts-
man and hounds went down, but many of the field
held a council of war on the top. " Well ! who's
going down ? " said one. " I shall wait for the next
turn," said Jorrocks, "for my horse does not like
collar work." " I shall go this time," said another,
"and the rest next." "And so will I," said a third,
" for mayhap there will be no second turn." " Ay,"
added a fourth, " and he may go the other way, and
then where shall we all be?" " Poh ! " said Jorrocks,
" did you ever know a Surrey fox not to take to the
hills? — If he does not, I'll eat him without mint
sauce," again harping on the quarter of lamb.
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 33
^^ Facilis descensus Averni" ■. — two-thirds of the field
went down, leaving Jorrocks, two horse-dealers in
scarlet, three chicken-butchers, half a dozen swells
in leathers, a whip, and the Yorkshireman on the
summit. "Why don't you go with the hounds?"
inquired the latter of the whip. " Oh, I wait here,
sir," said he, " to meet Tom Hills as he comes up,
and to give him a fresh horse." " And who is Tom
Hills ?" inquired the Yorkshireman. " Oh, he's our
huntsman," replied he ; " you know Tom, don't you ? "
" Why, I can't say I do, exactly " ; " but tell me, is he
called Hills because he rides up and down these hills,
or is that his real name ? " " Hought ! you know as
well as I do," said he, quite indignantly, "that Tom
Hills is his name."
The hounds, with the majority of the field, having
effected the descent of the hills, were now trotting on
in the valley below, sufificiently near, however, to
allow our hill party full view of their proceedings.
After drawing a couple of osier-beds blank, they
assumed a line parallel to the hills, and moved on
to a wood of about ten acres, the west end of which
terminated in a natural gorse. " They'll find there to
a certainty," said Mr. Jorrocks, pulling a telescope out
of his breeches' pocket, and adjusting the sight.
" Never saw it blank but once, and that was the
werry day the commercial panic of twenty-five com-
menced. — I remember making an entry in my ledger
when I got home to that effect. Humph ! " continued
he, looking through the glass, "they are through the
wood, though, without a challenge. — Now, my booys,
push him out of the gorse ! Let's see vot you're made
of. — There goes the first 'ound in. — It's Galloper, I
believe. — I can almost see the bag of shot round his
neck. — Now they all follow. — One — two — three — four
— five — all together, my beauties. Oh, vot a sight !
Peckham's cap's in the air, and tfs a fifid, by
heavensV Mr. Jorrocks is right. — The southerly
3
34 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
wind wafts up the fading notes of the Huntsman's
Chorus in Der Freischiiiz, and confirms the fact. —
Jorrocks is in ecstasies. — " Now," said he, clawing up
his breeches (for he dispenses with the article of braces
when out hunting), " that's what I calls fine. Oh,
beautiful ! beautiful ! — Now, follow me if you please,
and if yon gentleman in drab does not shoot the fox,
he will be on the hills before long." Away they
scampered along the top of the ridge, with a complete
view of the operations below. At length Jorrocks
stopped, and, pulling the telescope out, began making
an observation. " There he is, at last," cried he,
"just crossed the corner of yon green field — now he
creeps through the hedge by the fir-tree, and is in the
fallow one. Yet stay — that's no fox — it's a hare : and
yet Tom Hills makes straight for the spot — and did
you hear that loud tallyho ? Oh ! gentlemen, gentle-
men, we shall be laughed to scorn — what can they be
doing ? — see, they take up the scent, and the whole
pack have joined in chorus. Great heavens, it's no
more a fox than I am ! — No more brush than a
badger ! Oh dear ! oh dear ! that I should live to
see my old friends, the Surrey fox-'ounds, 'unt hare,
and that too in the presence of a stranger." The
animal made direct for the hills ; — whatever it was,
the hounds were on good terms with it, and got away
in good form. The sight was splendid — all the field
got well off, nor between the cover and the hills was
there sufficient space for tailing. A little elderly
gentleman, in a pepper-and-salt coat, led the way
gallantly — then came the scarlets, then the darks —
and then the fustian-clad countrymen. Jorrocks was
in a shocking state, and rolled along the hill-tops,
almost frantic. The field reached the bottom, and
the foremost commenced the steep ascent.
" O Tom Hills !— Tom Hills !— what are you at ?
what are you arter}" demanded Jorrocks, as he
landed on the top ; " here's a gentleman come all the
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 35
way from the north-east side of the town of Borough-
bridge, in the county of York, to see our excellent
'ounds, and here you are running a hare. O Tom
Hills ! Tom Hills ! ride forward, ride forward, and
whip them off, ere we eternally disgrace ourselves."
" Oh," says Tom, laughing, " he's a fox ! but he's so
tarnation frightened of our hounds, that his brush
dropped off through very fear, as soon as ever he
heard us go into the wood ; if you go back, you'll
find it somewhere, Mr. Jorrocks ; haw, haw, haw!
No fox, indeed ! " said he, "forrard, hounds, forrard ! "
and away he went — caught the old whipper-in, dis-
mounted him in a twinkling, and was on a fresh horse
with his hounds in full cry. The line of flight was
still along the hill-tops, and all eagerly pressed on,
making a goodly rattle over the beds of flint. A
check ensued. " The guard on yonder nasty Brighton
coach has frightened him with his horn," said Tom ;
" now we must make a cast up to yonder garden, and
see if he's taken shelter among the geraniums in the
green-house. As little damage as possible, gentlemen,
if you please^ in riding through the nursery grounds.
Now, hold hard, sir — pray do — there's no occasion
for you to break the kale pots ; he can't be under
them. Ah, yonder he goes, the tail-less beggar ; did
you see him as he stole past the corner out of the
early-cabbage bed ? Now bring on the hounds, and
let us press him towards London."
" See the conquering hero comes," sounded through
the avenue of elms as Tom dashed forward with the
merry, merry pack. " I shall stay on the hills," said
one, " and be ready for him as he comes back ! I
took a good deal of the shine out of my horse in
coming up this time." " I think I will do the same,"
said two or three more. " Let's be doing," said
Jorrocks, ramming his spurs into his nag to seduce
him into a gallop, who, after sending his heels in the
air a few times in token of his disapprobation of such
36 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
treatment, at last put himself into a round-rolling sort
of canter, which Jorrocks kept up by dint of spurring
and dropping his great bastinaderer of a whip every
now and then across his shoulders. Away they go
pounding together !
The line lies over flint fallows occasionally diversified
with a turnip-field or market-garden, and every now
and then a " willa " appears, from which emerge foot-
men in jackets, and in yellow, red, and green plush
breeches, with no end of admiring housemaids,
governesses, and nurses with children in their arms.
Great was the emulation when any of these were
approached, and the rasping sportsmen rushed eagerly
to the " fore." At last they approach " Miss Birch-
well's finishing and polishing seminary for young
ladies," whose great flaring blue and gold sign,
reflecting the noon - day rays of the sun, had
frightened the fox, and caused him to alter his line
and take away to the west. A momentary check
ensued, but all the amateur huntsmen being blown,
Tom, who is well up with his hounds, makes a quick
cast round the house, and hits off the scent like a
workman.^ A private road and a line of gates through
fields now greet the eyes of our M'Adamizers. A
young gentleman on a hired hunter, very nattily
attired, here singles himself out and takes place next
to Tom, throwing the pebbles and dirt back in the
eyes of the field. Tom crams away, throwing the
gates open as he goes, and our young gentleman very
coolly passes through, without a touch, letting them
bang-to behind him. The Yorkshireman, who has
been gradually creeping up, until he has got the third
place, having opened two or three, and seeing another
likely to close for want of a push, cries out to our
friend as he approaches, ''Put out your hand, sir!"
The gentleman immediately extends his limb like the
' Joking apart, Tom is an excellent huntsman and worthy of
a better country.
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 37
arm of a telegraph, and rides over half the next field
with his hand in the air ! The gate, of course, falls
to.
A stopper appears — a gate locked and spiked,
with a downward hinge to prevent its being lifted.
To the right is a rail, and a ha-ha beyond it — to the
left a quick fence. Tom glances at both, but turns
short, and, backing his horse, rides at the rail. The
Yorkshireman follows, but Jorrocks, who espies a
weak place in the fence a few yards from the gate,
turns short, and, jumping off, prepares to lead over.
It is an old gap, and the farmer has placed a sheep-
hurdle on the far side. Just as Jorrocks has pulled
that out, his horse, who is a bit of a rusher, and has
now got his " monkey " completely up, pushes forward
while his master is yet stooping — and hitting him in
the rear, knocks him clean through the fence, head-
foremost into a squire-trap beyond ! ^ — " Non redolet
sed oletV^ exclaims the Yorkshireman, who dis-
mounts in a twinkling, lending his friend a hand out
of the unsavoury cesspool. "That's what comes
of hunting in a new- saddle, you see," added he,
holding his nose. Jorrocks scrambles upon terra firma,
and exhibits such a spectacle as provokes the shout
of the field. He has lost his wig, his hat hangs to
his back, and one side of his person and face is
completely japanned with black, odoriferous mixture.
" My vig ! " exclaims he, spitting and spluttering,
" but that's the nastiest hole I ever was in ; Fleet
ditch is lavender-water compared to it ! Hooi
yonder ! " hailing a lad ; " catch my 'oss, boouy ! "
Tom Hills has him ; and Jorrocks, pocketing his
^"Cockney-Trap" would be a more correct appellation,
but we adhere to the Leicestershire diction. In this instance
the trap was placed as well to secure the fence, as the rich
runnings of a neighbouring parish " midden," or dung-heap.
- There is a superstition among sportsmen that they are sure
to get a fall the first day they appear in anything new.
38 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
wig, remounts, rams his spurs into the nag, and
again tackles with the pack, which had come to a
momentary check on the Eden Bridge road. The
fox had been headed by a party of gipsies, and,
changing his point, bends southward and again
reaches the hills, along which some score of horse-
men have planted themselves in the likeliest places
to head him. Reynard, however, is too deep for
them, and has stolen down unperceived. Poor
Jorrocks, what with the violent exertion of riding,
his fall, and the souvenir of the cesspool that he still
bears about him, pulls up fairly exhausted. "Oh
dear," says he, scraping the thick of the filth off his
coat with his whip, " I'm reg/ar\y blown ; I carn't
go down with the 'ounds this turn; but, my good
fellow," turning to the Yorkshireman, who was helping
to purify him, " don't let me stop you ; go down by
all means, but mind, bear in mind the quarter of
house-lamb — at half-past five to a minute.''
Many of the cits now gladly avail themselves of
the excuse of assisting Mr. Jorrocks to clean himself
for pulling up, but as soon as ever those that are
going below the hill are out of sight, and they have
given him two or three wipes, they advise him to let
it "dry on," and immediately commence a different
sort of amusement — each man dives into his pocket
and produces the eatables.
Part of Jorrocks's half-quartern loaf was bartered
with the captain of an East Indiaman.for a slice of
buffalo-beef. The dentist exchanged some veal
sandwiches with a Jew for ham ones ; a lawyer from
the P)Orough offered two slices of toast for a
hard-boiled egg; in fact, there was a pretty market
"ouvert " held. " Now, Tomkins, where's the bottle ? "
demanded Jenkins. " Vy, I thought you would
bring it out to-day," said he, " I brought it last time,
you know." "Take a little of mine, sir," said a
gentleman, presenting a leather-covered flask — "real
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 39
Thomson and Fearon, I assure you." " I wish
someone would fetch an ocean of porter from the
nearest public," said another. "Take a cigar, sir?"
"No; I feel werry much obliged, but they always
make me womit." " Is there any gentleman here going
to Halifax, who would like to make a third in a new
yellow barouche, with lavender-coloured wheels, and
pink lining?" inquired Mr. , the coachmaker.
" Look at the hounds, gentlemen sportsmen, my
noble sportsmen ! " bellowed out an Epsom Dorling's
correct-listseller^ — and, turning their eyes in the
direction in which he was looking, our sportsmen
saw them again making for the hills. Pepper-and-
salt first, and oh, what a goodly tail was there ! —
three quarters of a mile in length, at the least. Now
up they come — the '■'^ corps de reserve'''' again join, and
again a party halt upon the hills. Again Tom Hills
exchanges horses ; and again the hounds go on in full
cry. " I must be off," said a gentleman in balloon-
like leathers to another tiger ; " we have just time
to get back to town, and ride round by the park
before it is dark — much better than seeing the end
of this brute. Let us go " ; — and away they went
to canter through Hyde Park^ in their red coats.
"I must go and all," said another gentleman ; "my
dinner will be ready at five, and it is now three."
Jorrocks was game ; and, forgetting the quarter of
house-lamb, again tackled with the pack. A smaller
sweep sufficed this time, and the hills \vere once
more descended, Jorrocks the first to lead the way.
He well knew the fox was sinking, and was determined
to be in at the death. Short running ensued — a
check — the fox had lain down, and they had overrun
the scent. Now they were on him, and Tom Hills's
whoop confirmed the whole.
" Ah 1 Tom Hills, Tom Hills ! " exclaimed Jorrocks,
* It is a melancholy fact that three-fourths of the red-coated
gentry who attend hounds go out on a similar principle.
40 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
as the former took up the fox, "'o\v splendid, 'ow
truly brilliant — by Jove, you deserve to be Lord
Hill — oh, had he but a brush that we might present
it to this gentleman from the north-east side of the
town of Boroughbridge, in the county of York, to
show the gallant doings of the men of Surrey." " Ay,"
said Tom, " but Squire 's keeper has been before
us for it." 1
" Now," said a gentleman in a cap, to another in
a hat, "if you will ride up the hill and collect the
money there, I will do so below — half a crown, if
you please, sir ; — half a crown, if you please, sir. —
Have I got your half a crown, sir ? " — " Here's three
shillings if you will give me sixpence." " Certainly,
sir — certainly." "We have no time to spare," said
Jorrocks, looking at his watch, "good afternoon,
gentlemen, good afternoon," — muttering as he went,
" a quarter of house-lamb at half-past five — Mrs.
Jorrocks werry punctual — old Fleecy werry particular."
They cut across country to Croydon, and as they
approached the town innumerable sportsmen came
flocking in from all quarters. "What sport have
you had?" inquired Jorrocks of a gentleman in
scarlet, "have you been with JoUiffe?" "No, with
the stag-hounds ! three beautiful runs ; took him once
in a mill-pond, once in a barn, and once in a brick-
field — altogether the finest day's sport I ever saw
in my life." " What have you done, Mr .J. ? " " Oh,
we have had a most gallant thing ! a brilliant run
indeed — three hours and twenty minutes without a
check — over the finest country imaginable." " And
^ A " pump " who used to scribble under the signature of
"The Spectator," in the Old Sporting Magazine, once essayed
to write a graphic description of a day with these hounds
which was to put Leicestershire men out of conceit with their
country ; and so by way of preserving the wild character-
istic of the chase, he introduced a fox that had been deprived
of his brush by a keeper when a cub, and "hand fed" for
aught we know to the contrary.
YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY 41
who got the brush ? " inquired the stag-man. " Oh,
it was a gallant run," said Jorrocks, by far the finest
I ever remember." "But did you kill?" demanded
his friend. " Kill ! to be sure we did. When don't
the Surrey kill, I should like to know?" "And
who got his brush, did you say ? " "I can't tell,"
said he ; " didn't hear the gentleman's name."
" What sport has Mr. Meager had to-day ? " inquired
he of a gentleman in trousers who issued from a
side lane into the high road. " I have been with the
Sanderstead, sir, a very capital day's sport ; — run
five hares and killed three. We should have killed
four — only — we didn't." " I don't think Mr. Meager
has done anything to-day." " Yes, he has," said a
gentleman who just joined, with a hare buckled on
in front of his saddle, and his white cords all stained
with blood. " We killed this chap after an hour and
forty-five minutes' gallop ; and accounted for another
by losing her after upwards of three-quarters of an
hour." " Well, then, we have all had sport," said
Jorrocks, as he spurred his horse into a trot, and
made for Morton's stables — "and if the quarter of
house-lamb is but right, then indeed am I a happy
man."
SURREY SHOOTING— MR. JORROCKS IN
TROUBLE
OUR readers are now becoming pretty familiar
with our principal hero, Mr. Jorrocks, and we
hope he improves on acquaintance. Our fox-hunting
friends, we are sure, will allow him to be an enthusi-
astic member of the brotherhood, and though we do
not profess to put him in competition with Musters,
Osbaldiston, or any of those sort of men, we yet
mean to say that had his lot been cast in the country
instead of behind a counter, his keenness would have
rendered him as conspicuous — if not as scientific — as
the best of them.
For a cockney sportsman, however, he is a very
excellent fellow — frank, hearty, open, generous, and
hospitable, and with the exception of riding up Fleet
Street one Saturday afternoon, with a cock-pheasant's
tail sticking out of his red coat pocket, no one ever
saw him do a cock-tail action in his life.
The circumstances attending that exhibition are
rather curious. — He had gone out as usual on a
Saturday, to have a day with the Surrey, but on
mounting his hunter at Croydon, he felt the nag
rather queer under him, and thinking he might have
been pricked in the shoeing, he pulled up at the
smith's at Addington to have his feet examined.
This lost him five minutes, and unfortunately when
he got to the meet he found that a "travelling^ fox"
^ He might well be called a " travelling fox," for it was said
he had just travelled down from Herrings, in the New Road, by
the Bromley stage.
42
SURREY SHOOTING 43
had been tallied at the precise moment of throwing
off, with which the hounds had gone away in their
usual brilliant style, to the tune of " Blue bonnets are
over the border." As may be supposed, he was in
a deuce of a rage ; and his first impulse prompted
him to withdraw his subscription and be done with
the hunt altogether, and he trotted forward " on the
line," in the hopes of catching them up to tell them
so. In this he was foiled, for after riding some
distance, he overtook a string of Smithfield horses
journeying " foreign for Evans," whose imprints he
had been taking for the hoof-marks of the hunters.
About noon he found himself dull, melancholy and
disconsolate, before the sign of the Pig and Whistle,
on the ^^'esterham Road, where, after wetting his
own whistle with a pint of half-and-half, he again
journeyed onward, ruminating on the uncertainty and
mutability of all earthly affairs, the comparative
merits of stag, fox, and hare hunting, and the
necessity of getting rid of the day somehow or other
in the country.
Suddenly his reverie was interrupted by the dis-
charge of a gun in the field adjoining the hedge
along which he was passing, and the boisterous
ivhirring of a great cock-pheasant over his head,
which caused his horse to start and stop short, and
to nearly pitch Jorrocks over his head. The bird
was missed, but the sportsman's dog dashed after it,
with all the eagerness of expectation, regardless of
the cracks of the whip — the " comes to heel " and
" downs to charge " of the master. Jorrocks pulled
out his hunting telescope, and having marked the
bird down with the precision of a billiard-table keeper,
rode to the gate to acquaint the shooter of the fact,
when to his infinite amazement he discovered his
friend. Nosey Browne (late of " The Surrey "), who,
since his affairs had taken the unfortunate turn
mentioned in the last paper, had given up hunting
44 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
and determined to confine himself to shooting only.
Nosey, however, was no great performer, as may be
inferred when we state that he had been in pursuit of
the above-mentioned cock-pheasant ever since day-
break, and, after firing thirteen shots at him, had not
yet touched a feather.
His dog was of the right sort — for Nosey at least —
and hope deferred had not made his heart sick ; on
the contrary, he dashed after his bird for the
thirteenth time with all the eagerness he displayed
on the first. "Let me have a crack at him," said
Jorrocks to Nosey, after their mutual salutations were
over. " I know where he is, and I think I can floor
him." Browne handed the gun to Jorrocks, who,
giving up his hunter in exchange, strode off, and,
having marked his bird accurately, he kicked him up
out of a bit of furze, and knocked him down as
" dead as a door-nail." By that pheasant's tail hangs
the present one.
Now, Nosey Browne and Jorrocks were old friends,
and Nosey's affairs having gone crooked, why, of
course, like most men in a similar situation, he was
all the better for it; and while his creditors were
taking twopence-halfpenny in the pound, he was
taking his diversion on his wife's property, which a
sagacious old father-in-law had secured to the family
in the event of such a contingency as a failure
happening; so, knowing Jorrocks's propensity for
sports, and being desirous of chatting over all his
gallant doings with "The Surrey," shortly after the
above-mentioned day he despatched a "twopenny,"
offering him a day's shooting on his property in
Surrey, adding that he hoped he would dine with
him after. Jorrocks being invited himself, with a
freedom peculiar to fox-hunters, invited his friend the
Yorkshireman, and, visiting his armoury, selected him
a regular shot-scatterer of a gun, capable of carrying
ten yards on every side.
SURREY SHOOTING 45
At the appointed hour on the appointed morning
the Yorkshireman appeared in Great Coram Street,
where he found Mr. Jorroclcs in the parlour, in the
act of setthng himself into a new spruce green cut-
away gambroon butler's pantry-jacket, with pockets
equal to holding a powder-flask each, his lower man
being attired in tight drab stocking-net pantaloons,
and Hessian boots with large tassels — a striking
contrast to the fustian pocket-and-all-pocket jackets
marked with game-bag strap, and shot-belt, and
the weather-beaten, many-coloured breeches and
gaiters, and hob-nail shoes, that compose the equip-
ment of a shooter in Yorkshire. Mr. Jorrocks not
keeping any "sporting dogs," as the tax-papers call
them, had borrowed a fat house-dog — a cross between
a setter and a Dalmatian — of his friend Mr. Ever-
green, the greengrocer, which he had seen make a
most undeniable point one morning in the Copen-
hagen Fields at a flock of pigeons in a beet-root
garden. This valuable animal was now attached by
a trash-cord through a ring in his brass collar to a
leg of the sideboard, while a clean-licked dish at his
side showed that Jorrocks had been trying to attach
him to himself, by feeding him before starting.
" We'll take a coach to the Castle," said Jorrocks,
" and then get a ' go-cart ' or a cast somehow or other
to Streatham, for we shall have walking enough when
we get there. Browne is an excellent fellow, and
will make us range every acre of his estate over half
a dozen times before we give in." A coach was
speedily summoned, into which Jorrocks, the dog
Pompey, the Yorkshireman, and the guns were
speedily placed, and away they drove to the Elephant
and Castle.
There were short stages about for every possible
place except Streatham, Greenwich, Deptford, Black-
heath, Eltham, Bromley, Footscray, Beckenham and
Lewisham, — all places but the right. However, there
46 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
were abundance of "^^-carts," a species of vehicle
that ply in the outskirts of the Metropolis, and which,
like the watering-place "y?^," take their name from the
contrary — in fact, a sort of lucus a non lucendo. They
are carts on springs, drawn by one horse (with curtains
to protect the company from the weather), the drivers
of which, partly by cheating, and partly by picking
pockets, eke out a comfortable existence, and are the
most lawless set of rascals under the sun. Their
arrival at the Elephant and Castle was a signal for
a general muster of the fraternity, who, seeing the
guns, were convinced that their journey was only
what they call " a few miles down the road," and they
were speedily surrounded by twenty or thirty of
them, all with excellent " 'osses, vot vould take their
honours fourteen miles an hour." All men of
business are aware of the advantages of competition,
and no one more so than Jorrocks, who stood
listening to their offers with the utmost sang-froid,
until he closed with one to take them to Streatham
church for two shillings, and deliver them within the
half-hour, which was a signal for all the rest to set-to
and abuse them, their coachman, and his horse, which
they swore had been carrying "stiff-uns"^ all night,
and " could not go not none at all." Nor were they
far wrong ; for the horse, after scrambling a hundred
yards or two, gradually relaxed into something
between a walk and a trot, while the driver kept
soliciting every passer-by to " ride," much to our
sportsmen's chagrin, who conceived they were to
have the " go " all to themselves. Remonstrance was
vain, and he crammed in a master chimney-sweep,
Major Ballenger, the licensed dealer in tea, coffee,
tobacco, and snuff, of Streatham (a customer of
Jorrocks), and a wet nurse ; and took up an Italian
organ-grinder to ride beside himself on the front,
before they had accomplished Brixton Hill. Jorrocks
^ Doing a bit of resurrection work.
SURREY SHOOTING 47
swore most lustily that he would fine him, and at
every fresh assurance the driver offered a passer-by
a seat ; but having enlisted Major Ballenger into
their cause, they at length made a stand, which,
unfortunately for them, was more than the horse
could do, for just as he was showing off, as he thought,
with a bit of a trot, down they all soused in the mud.
Great was the scramble ; guns, barrel-organ, Pompey,
Jorrocks, driver, master chimney - sweep. Major
Ballenger, were all down together, while the wet
nurse, who sat at the end nearest the door, was
chucked clean over the hedge into a dry ditch. This
was a signal to quit the vessel, and, having extricated
themselves the best way they could, they all set off
on foot, and left the driver to right himself at his
leisure.
Ballenger looked rather queer when he heard they
were going to Nosey Browne's, for it so happened
that Nosey had managed to walk into his books for
groceries and kitchen-stuff to the tune of fourteen
pounds, a large sum to a man in a small way of
business ; and to be entertaining friends so soon
after his composition, seemed curious to Ballenger's
uninitiated suburban mind.
Crossing Streatham Common, a short turn to the
left by some yew trees leads, by a near cut across the
fields, to Browne's house ; a fiery-red brick castellated
cottage, standing on the slope of a gentle eminence,
and combining almost every absurdity a cockney
imagination can be capable of. Nosey, who was his
own " Nash," set out with the intention of making it
a castle and nothing but a castle, and accordingly
the windows were made in the loophole fashion, and
the door occupied a third of the whole frontage.
The inconveniences of the arrangements were soon
felt, for while the light was almost excluded from the
rooms, " rude Boreas " had the complete run of the
castle whenever the door was opened. To remedy this,
4S JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Nosey increased the one and curtailed the other, and
the Gothic oak-painted windows and door flew from
their positions to make way for modern plate-glass in
rich pea-green casements, and a door of similar hue.
The battlements, however, remained, and two wooden
guns guarded a brace of chimney-pots and com-
manded the wings of the castle, one whereof was
formed into a green-, the other into a ^/^-house.
The peals of a bright brass-handled bell at a
garden-gate, surmounted by a holly-bush with the top
cut into the shape of a fox, announced their arrival
to the inhabitants of "Rosalinda Castle," and on
entering, they discovered young Nosey in the act of
bobbing for gold-fish, in a pond about the size of a
soup-basin ; while Nosey senior, a fat, stupid-looking
fellow, with a large corporation and a bottle nose,
attired in a single-breasted green cloth coat, buff
waistcoat, with drab shorts and continuations, was
reposing, '■^ sub tegfnine fagi" in a sort of tea-garden
arbour, overlooking a dung-heap, waiting their arrival
to commence an attack upon the sparrows which were
regaling thereon. At one end of the garden was a
sort of temple, composed of oyster-shells, containing
a couple of carrier-pigeons, with which Nosey had
intended making his fortune, by the early information
to be acquired by them ; but "there is many a slip,"
etc., as Jorrocks would say.
Greetings being over, and Jorrocks having paid a
visit to the larder, and made up a stock of provisions
equal to a journey through the Wilderness, they ad-
journed to the yard to get the other dog, and the man
to carry the game — or rather, the prog, for the former
was but problematical. He was a character, a sort of
chap of all work, one, in short, " who has no objection
to make himself generally useful " ; but if his genius
had any decided bent, it was, perhaps, an inclination
towards sporting.
Having to act the part of groom and gamekeeper
SURREY SHOOTING 49
during the morning, and butler and footman in the
afternoon, he was attired in a sort of composition
dress, savouring of the different characters performed.
He had on an old white hat, a groom's fustian stable-
coat cut down into a shooting-jacket with a whistle
at the button-hole, red plush smalls, and top-boots.
There is nothing a cockney delights in more than
aping a country gentleman, and Browne fancied him-
self no bad hand at it ; indeed, since his London
occupation was gone, he looked upon himself as a
country gentleman, in fact. "Veil, Joe," said he,
striddling and sticking his thumbs into the arm-holes
of his waistcoat, to this invaluable man of all work,
" we must show the gemmen some sport to-day : vich
do you think the best line to start upon — shall we go
to the ten h'acre field, or the plantation, or Thomp-
son's stubble, or Timms' turnips, or my meadow, or
vere?" "Vy, I doesn't know," said Joe; "there's
that old hen-pheasant as we calls Drab Bess, vot has
haunted the plantin' these two seasons, and none of
us ever could 'it (hit), and I hears that Jack, and
Tom, and Bob, are still left out of Thompson's covey :
but my eyes! they're 'special vild!" "Vot! only
three left? where is old Tom, and the old ramping
hen ? " inquired Browne. " Oh, Mr. Smith, and a
party of them 'ere Bankside chaps, com'd down last
Saturday's gone a week, and rattled nine-and-twenty
shots at the covey, and got the two old uns ; at least
it's supposed they were both killed, though the seven
on 'em only bagged one bird ; but I heard they got a
goose or two as they vent home. They had a shot at
Old Tom, the hare, too, but he is still alive ; at least
I pricked him yesterday morn across the path into
the turnip field. Suppose we goes at him first ? "
The estate, like the game, was rather deficient in
quantity, but Browne was a wise man and made the
most of what he had, and when he used to talk about
his "manor" on 'Change, people thought he had at
4
50 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
least a thousand acres — the extent a cockney gener-
ally advertises for, when he wants to take a shooting
place. The following is a sketch of what he had : —
The east, as far as the eye could reach, was bounded
by Norwood, a name dear to cockneys, and the scene
of many a furtive kiss ; the hereditaments and
premises belonging to Isaac Cheatum, Esq., ran
parallel with it on the west, containing sixty-three
acres, " be the same more or less," separated from
which, by a small brook or runner of water, came the
estate of Mr. Timms, consisting of sixty acres, three
roods, and twenty-four perches, commonly called or
known by the name of Fordham ; next to it were two
allotments in right of common, for all manner of
cattle except cows, upon Streatham Common, from
whence up to Rosalinda Castle, on the west, lay the
estate of Mr. Browne, consisting of fifty acres and two
perches. Now, it so happened that Browne had
formerly the permission to sport all the way up to
Norwood, a distance of a mile and a half, and conse-
quently he might have been said to have the right of
shooting in Norwood itself, for the keepers only direct
their attention to the preservation of the timber and
the morals of the visitors ; but since his composition
with his creditors, Mr. Cheatum, who had "gone to
the wall " himself in former years, was so scandalized
at Browne doing the same, that no sooner did his
name appear in the Gazette, than Cheatum withdrew
his permission, thereby cutting him off from Norwood,
and stopping him in pursuit of his game.
Joe's proposition being duly seconded, Mr. Jorrocks,
in the most orthodox manner, flushed off his old flint
and steel fire engine, and proceeded to give it an
uncommon good loading. The Yorkshireman, with a
look of disgust, mingled with despair, and a glance at
Joe's plush breeches and top-boots, did the same,
while Nosey, in the most considerate, sportsmanlike
manner, merely shouldered a stick, in order that there
SURREY SHOOTING 51
might be no delicacy with his visitors as to who should
shoot first — a piece of etiquette that aids the escape of
many a bird in the neighbourhood of London.
Old Tom — a most unfortunate old hare, that what
with the harriers, the shooters, the snarers, and one
thing and another, never knew a moment's peace, and
who must have started in the world with as many lives
as a cat — being doomed to receive the first crack on
this occasion, our sportsmen stole gently down the
fallow, at the bottom of which were the turnips
wherein he was said to repose ; but scarcely had they
reached the hurdles which divided the field, before he
was seen legging it away clean out of shot. Jorrocks,
who had brought his gun to bear upon him, could
scarcely refrain from letting drive, but thinking to
come upon him again by stealth, as he made his cir-
cuit for Norwood, he strode away across the allotments
and Fordham estate, and took up a position behind a
shed which stood on the confines of Mr. Timms' and
Mr. Cheatum's properties. Here, having procured a
rest for his gun, he waited until Old Tom, who had
tarried to nip a few blades of green grass that came
in his way, made his appearance. Presently he came
cantering along the outside of the wood, at a careless,
easy sort of pace, betokening either perfect indiffer-
ence for the world's mischief, or utter contempt of
cockney sportsmen altogether.
He was a melancholy, woe-begone looking animal,
long and lean, with a slight inclination to grey on his
dingy old coat, one that looked as though he had
survived his kindred and had already lived beyond
his day. Jorrocks, however, saw him differently, and
his eyes glistened as he came within range of his gun.
A well-timed shot ends poor Tom's miseries ! He
springs into the air, and with a melancholy scream
rolls neck over heel. Knowing that Pompey would
infallibly spoil him if he got up first, Jorrocks, with-
out waiting to load, was in the act of starting off to
52 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
pick him up, when, at the first step, he found himself
in the grasp of a Herculean monster, something
between a coalheaver and a gamekeeper, who had
been secreted behind the shed. Nosey Browne, who
had been watching his movements, holloaed out to
Jorrocks to " hold hard," who stood motionless on
the spot from whence he fired, and Browne was
speedily alongside of him. " You are on Squire
Cheatum's estate," said the man ; " and I have
authority to take up all poachers and persons found
unlawfully trespassing ; what's your name ? " " He's
not on Cheatum's estate," said Browne. " He is,"
said the man. "You're a liar," said Browne.
" You're another," said the man. And so they went
on ; for when such gentlemen meet, compliments pass
current. At length the keeper pulled out a foot-rule,
and, keeping Jorrocks in the same position he caught
him, he set-to to measure the distance of his foot from
the boundary, taking off in a line from the shed ;
when it certainly did appear that the length of a big
toe was across the mark, and putting up his measure
again, he insisted upon taking Jorrocks before a
magistrate for the trespass. Of course, no objection
could be made, and they all adjourned to Mr.
Boreem's, when the whole case was laid before him.
To cut a long matter short, — after hearing the pros
and cons, and referring to the act of parliament, his
worship decided that a trespass had been committed ;
and though, he said, it went against the grain to do
so, he fined Jorrocks in the mitigated penalty of one
pound one.
This was a sad damper to our heroes, who returned
to the castle with their prog untouched, and no great
appetite for dinner. Being only a family party, when
Mrs. B. retired the subject naturally turned upon the
morning's mishap, and at every glass of port Jorrocks
waxed more valiant, until he swore he would appeal
against the " conwiction " ; and remaining in the same
:r^
SURREY SHOOTING 53
mind when he awoke the next morning, he took the
Temple in his way to St. Botolph Lane and had six-
and-eightpence worth with Mr. Capias the attorney,
who very judiciously argued each side of the question
without venturing an opinion, and proposed stating a
case for counsel to advise upon.
As usual, he gave one that would cut either way,
though if it had any tendency whatever, it was to
induce Jorrocks to go on ; and he not wanting much
persuasion, it will not surprise our readers to hear
that Jorrocks, Capias, and the Yorkshireman were seen
a few days after crossing Waterloo Bridge in a yellow
post-chaise, on their way to Croydon sessions.
After a "guinea" consultation at the Greyhound,
they adjourned to the Court, which was excessively
crowded, Jorrocks being as popular with the farmers
and people as Cheatum was the reverse. Party feeling
too running rather high at the time, there had been a
strong " whip " among the magistrates to get a full
attendance to reverse Boreem's conviction, who had
made himself rather obnoxious on the blue interest at
the election. Of course they all came in new hats,^
and sat on the bench, looking as wise as gentlemen
judges generally do.
One hundred and twenty-two afifiliation cases (for
this was in the old poor law time) having been disposed
of, about one o'clock in the afternoon, the chairman,
Mr. Tomkins of Tomkins, moved the order of the
day. He was a perfect prototype of a county
magistrate — with a bald, powdered head covered by a
low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, hair terminating
behind in a queue, resting on the ample collar of a
snuff-brown coat, with a large bay-window of a cor-
poration, with difficulty retained by the joint efforts
of a buff waistcoat and the waistband of a pair of
^ Magistrates always buy their hats about Session times, as
they have the privilege of keeping their hats on their blocks in
court.
54 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
yellow leather breeches. His countenance, which was
solemn and grave in the extreme, might either be
indicative of sense, or what often serves in the place
of wisdom — when parties can only hold their tongues
— great natural stupidity. From the judge's seat,
which he occupied in the centre of the Bench, he
observed, with immense dignity, " There is an appeal
of Jorrocks against Cheatum, which we, the Bench of
Magistrates of our Lord the King, will take if the
parties are ready," and immediately the court rang
with " Jorrocks and Cheatum ! Jorrocks and Cheatum !
Mr. Capias attorney at law ! Mr. Capias answer to his
name ! Mr. Sharp attorney at law ! Mr. Sharp's in the
jury room. — Then go fetch him directly," from the
ushers and bailiffs of the court ; for though Tomkins
of Tomkins was slow himself, he insisted upon others
being quick, and was a great hand at prating about
saving the time of the suitors. At length the bustle
of counsel crossing the table, parties coming in and
others leaving court, bailiffs shouting, and ushers
responding, gradually subsided into a whisper of
" That's Jorrocks ! that's Cheatum ! " as the belligerent
parties took their places by their respective counsel.
Silence having been called and procured, Mr. Smirk, a
goodish-looking man for a lawyer, having deliberately
unfolded his brief, which his clerk had scored plentifully
in the margin, to make the attorney believe he had
read it very attentively, rose to address the court — a
signal for half the magistrates to pull the newspapers
out of their pockets, and the other half to settle them-
selves down for a nap, all the sport being considered
over when the affiliation cases closed.
"I have the honour to appear on behalf of Mr.
Jorrocks," said Mr. Smirk, "a gentleman of the very
highest consideration — a fox-hunter — a shooter — and
a grocer. In ordinary cases it might be necessary to
prove the party's claim to respectability, but in this
instance, I feel myself relieved from any such obliga-
SURREY SHOOTING 55
tion, knowing, as I do, that there is no one in this
court, no one in these realms, — I might almost add,
no one in this world, — to whom the fame of my most
respectable, most distinguished, and much injured
client is unknown. Not to know Jorrocks is indeed
to argue one-self unknown.
" This is a case of no ordinary interest, and I
approach it with a deep sense of its importance,
conscious of my inability to do justice to the subject,
and lamenting that it has not been entrusted to abler
hands. It is a case involving the commercial and
the sporting character of a gentleman against whom
the breath of calumny has never yet been drawn — of
a gentleman who, in all the relations of life, whether
as a husband, a fox-hunter, a shooter, or a grocer, has
invariably preserved that character and reputation, so
valuable in commercial life, so necessary in the sport-
ing world, and so indispensable to a man moving in
general society. Were I to look round London town
in search of a bright specimen of a man combining
the upright, sterling integrity of the honourable
British merchant of former days with the ardour of
the English fox-hunter of modern times, I would
select my most respectable client, Mr. Jorrocks. He
is a man for youth to imitate and revere ! Conceive,
then, the horror of a man of his delicate sensibility —
of his nervous dread of depreciation — being compelled
to appear here this day to vindicate his character, nay
more, his honour, from one of the foulest attempts at
conspiracy that was ever directed against any in-
dividual. I say that a grosser attaek was never made
upon the character of any grocer, and I look con-
fidently to the reversion of this unjust, unprecedented
conviction, and to the triumphant victory of my most
respectable and public-spirited client. It is not for
the sake of the few paltry shillings that he appeals to
this court — it is not for the sake of calling in question
the power of the constituted authorities of this county
56 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
—but it is for the vindication and preservation of a
character dear to all men, but doubly dear to a grocer,
and which once lost can never be regained. Look, I
say, upon my client as he sits below the witness-box,
and say if in that countenance there appears any
indication of a lawless or rebellious spirit; look, I
say, if the milk of human kindness is not strikingly
portrayed in every feature, and truly may I exclaim
in the words of the poet —
' If to his share some trifling errors fall,
Look in his face, and you'll forget them all.'
I regret to be compelled to trespass upon the valuable
time of the court ; but, sir, this appeal is based on a
trespass, and one good trespass deserves another."
The learned gentleman then proceeded to detail
the proceedings of the day's shooting, and afterwards
to analyse the enactments of the New Game Bill,
which he denounced as arbitrary, oppressive, and
ridiculous, and concluded a long and energetic speech
by calling upon the Court to reverse the decision of
the magistrate, and not support the preposterous
position of fining a man for a trespass committed by
his toe.
After a few minutes had elapsed, Mr. Serjeant
Bumptious, a stiff, bull-headed little man, desperately
pitted with smallpox, rose to reply, and, looking
round the court, thus commenced : —
" Five-and-thirty years have I passed in Courts of
Justice, but never during a long and extensive practice
have I witnessed so gross a perversion of that
sublimest gift, called eloquence, as within the last
hour," — here he banged his brief against the table,
and looked at Mr, Smirk, who smiled—" I lament,
sir, that it has not been employed in a better cause —
(bang again — and another look). My learned friend
has, indeed, laboured to make the worst appear the
better cause — to convert into a trifle one of the most
SURREY SHOOTING 57
outrageous acts that ever disgraced a human being
or a civilized country. Well did he describe the
importance of this case ! — important as regards his
client's character — important as regards this great and
populous county — important as regards those social
ties by which society is held together — important as
regards a legislative enactment, and important as
regards the well-being and prosperity of the whole
nation — (bang, bang, bang). I admire the bombastic
eloquence with which my learned friend introduced
his most distin^:;uished client — his 7nost delicate-minded
— sensitive client ! — Truly, to hear him speaking, I
should have thought he had been describing a lovely,
blushing young lady, but when he comes to exhibit
his paragon of perfection, and points out that great,
red-faced coarse, vulgar-looking, lubberly lump of
humanity (here Bumptious looked at Jorrocks as
though he would eat him) sitting below the wutness-
box, and seeks to enlist the sympathies of your
worships on the Bench — of you, gentlemen, the high-
minded, shrewd, penetrating judges of this important
cause (and Bumptious smiled and bowed along the
Bench upon all whose eyes he could catch) on behalf
of such a monster of iniquity, it does make one blush
for the degradation of the British bar — (bang — bang —
bang — Jorrocks here looked unutterable things).
Does my learned friend think by displaying his hero
as a fox-hunter, and extolling his prowess in the field,
to gain over the sporting magistrates on the Bench ?
He knows little of the upright integrity — the uncom-
promising honesty — the undeviating, inflexible im-
partiality that pervades the breast of every member of
this tribunal, if he thinks for the sake of gain, fear,
favour, hope, or reward, to influence the opinion,
much less turn the judgment of any one of them."
(Here Bumptious bowed very low to them all and
laid his hand upon his heart. Tomkins nodded
approbation). " Far, far be it from me to dwell with
58 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
unbecoming asperity on the conduct of anyone — we
are all mortals — and alike liable to err ; — but when I
see a man who has been guilty of an act which has
brought him all but within the verge of the prisoners'
dock ; I say, when I see a man who has been guilty of
such an outrage on society as this rufifian Jorrocks,
come forward with the daring effrontery that he has
this day done, and claim redress where he himself is
the offender, it does create a feeling in my mind
divided between disgust and amazement " — (bang).
Here Jorrocks's cauldron boiled over, and, rising
from his seat with an outstretched shoulder-of-mutton
fist, he bawled out, " D — n you, sir, what do you
mean ? "
The court was thrown into amazement, and even
Bumptious quailed before the fist of the mighty
Jorrocks. "I claim the protection of the court," he
exclaimed. Mr. Tomkins interposed, and said he
should certainly order Mr. Jorrocks into custody if
he repeated his conduct, adding that it was " most
disrespectful to the justices of our Lord the King."
Bumptious paused a little to gather breath and a
fresh volume of venom wherewith to annihilate
Jorrocks, and, catching his eye, he transfixed him
like a rattlesnake, and again resumed.
"How stands the case?" said he — "This cockney
grocer — for after all he is nothing else — who I daresay
scarcely knows a hawk from a hand-saw, leaves his
figs and raisins, and sets out on a marauding ex-
cursion into the county of Surrey, and regardless of
property — of boundaries — of laws — of liberties — of life
itself — strides over every man's land, letting drive at
whatever comes in his way ! The hare he shot on
this occasion was a pet hare ! — For three successive
summers had Miss Cheatum watched and fed it with
all the interest and anxiety of a parent. I leave it
to you, gentlemen, who have daughters of your own,
with pets also, to picture to yourselves the agony of
SURREY SHOOTING 59
her mind on finding that her favourite had found its
way down the throat of that great guzzling, gormandiz-
ing, cockney cormorant ; and then, forsooth, because
he is fined for the outrageous trespass, he comes here
as the injured party, and instructs his counsel to
indulge in Billingsgate abuse that would disgrace
the mouth of an Old Bailey practitioner ! I regret
that instead of the insignificant fine imposed upon
him, the law did not empower the worthy magistrate
to send him to the treadmill, there to recreate himself
for six or eight months, as a warning to the whole
fraternity of lawless vagabonds." Here he nodded
his head at Jorrocks, as much as to say — " I'll trounce.
you, my boy ! " He then produced maps and plans-
of the different estates, and a model of the shed, ta
show how it all happened, and, after going through
the case in such a strain as would induce one to
believe it was a trial for murder or high treason,,
concluded as follows : —
"The eyes of England are upon us — reverse this
conviction, and you let loose a rebel band upon the
country, ripe for treason, stratagem, or spoil — you
overturn the finest order of society in the world ;
henceforth no man's property will be safe, the laws
will be disregarded, and even the upright, talented
and independent magistracy of England brought into
contempt. But I feel convinced that your decision
will be far otherwise — that by it you will teach these
hot-headed — rebellious — radical grocers that they
cannot offend with impunity, and show them that
there is a law which reaches even the lowest and
meanest inhabitants of these realms, that amid these
days of anarchy and innovation you will support the
laws and aristocracy of this country, that you will
preserve to our children, and our children's children,
those rights and blessings which a great and en-
lightened administration have conferred upon our-
selves, and raise for Tomkins of Tomkins and the
6o JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
magistracy of the proud county of Surrey, a name
resplendent in modern times, and venerated to all
eternity."
Here Bumptious cast a parting frown at Jorrocks,
and, banging down his l)rief, tucked his gown under
his arm, turned on his heel, and left the court, to
indulge in a glass of pale sherry, and a sandwich,
regardless which way the verdict went, so long as he
had given him a good quilting. The silence that
followed had the effect of rousing some of the dozing
justices, who nudging those who had fallen asleep,
they all began to stir themselves, and having laid
their heads together, during which time they settled
the dinner hour for that day, and the meets of the
stag-hounds for the next fortnight, they began to talk
of the matter before the court.
" I vote for reversing," said Squire Jolthead,
"Jorrocks is such a capital fellow." "I tnusi support
Boreem," said Squire Hicks, "he gave me a turn
when I made the mistaken commitment of Gipsy
Jack." " What do you say, Mr. Giles ? " inquired Mr.
Tomkins. "Oh, anything you like, Mr. Tomkins."
"And you, Mr. Hopper?" who had been asleep all
the time. " Oh, i:;uiliy, I should say^three months
at the treadmill — privately whipped, if you like," was
the reply. Mr. Petty always voted on whichever side
Bumptious was counsel — the learned serjeant having
married his sister, — and four others always followed
the chair.
Tomkins then turned round, the magistrates re-
sumed their seats along the bench, and, coming
forward, he stood before the judge's chair, and,
taking off his hat with solemn dignity and precision,
laid it down exactly in the centre of the desk, amid
cries from the bailiffs and ushers for " Si/efue, while
the Justices of the Peace of our Sovereign Lord the
King deliver the judgment of the Court."
"The appellant in this case," said Mr. Tomkins,
SURREY SHOOTING 6i
very slowly, "seeks to set aside a conviction for
trespass, on the ground, as I understand, of his not
having committed one. The principal points of the
case are admitted, as also the fact of Mr. Jorrocks's
toe, or a part of his toe, having intruded upon the
respondent's estate. Now, so far as that point is
concerned, it seems clear to myself and to my brother
magistrates, that it mattereth not how much or how
little of the toe was upon the land, so long as any
part thereof was there. '■ De minitnis ?ion curat lex^
— the English of which is, 'the law taketh no cog-
nizance of fractions ' — is a maxim among the salaried
judges of the inferior courts in Westminster Hall,
which we, the unpaid, the in-cor-rup-ti-ble magistrates
of the proud county of Surrey, have adopted in the
very deep and mature deliberation that preceded the
formation of our most solemn judgment. In the
present great and important case, we, the unpaid
magistrates of our Sovereign Lord the King, do not
consider it necessary that there should be 'a toe, a
whole toe, and nothing but a toe,' to constitute a
trespass, any more than it would be necessary in the
case of an assault to prove that the kick was given by
the foot, the whole foot, and nothing but the foot.
If any part of the toe was there, the law considers
that it was there in to-to. Upon this doctrine, it is
clear that Mr. Jorrocks was guilty of a trespass, and
the conviction must be affirmed. Before I dismiss
the case I must say a few words on the statute under
which this decision takes place.
"This is the first conviction that has taken place
since the passing of the Act, and will serve as a
precedent throughout all England. I congratulate
the country upon the efficacy of the tribunal to which
it has been submitted. The Court has listened wdth
great and becoming attention to the arguments of the
counsel on both sides : and though one gentleman
with a flippant ignorance has denounced this new
62 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
law as inferior to the pre-existing system, and a curse
to the country, we, the magistrates of the proud
•county of Surrey, must enter our protest against such
a doctrine being promulgated. Peradventure, you
are all acquainted with my prowess as a shooter ; I
won two silver tankards at the Red House, Anno
Domini, 1815. I mention this to show that I am a
practical sportsman ; and as to the theory of the Game
Laws, I derive my information from the same source
that you may all derive yours — from the bright re-
fulgent pages of the New Sporting Magazine ! "
MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY
STAG-HOUNDS
THE Surrey fox-hounds had closed their season —
a most brilliant one — but ere Mr. Jorrocks
consigned his boots and breeches to their summer
slumber, he bethought of having a look at the Surrey
stag-hounds, a pack now numbered among the things
that were.
Of course he required a companion, were it only
to have someone to criticize the hounds with, so the
evening before the appointed day, as the Yorkshireman
was sitting in his old corner at the far end of the
Piazza Coffee-room in Covent Garden, having just
finished his second marrow-bone, and glass of white
brandy, George — the only waiter in the room with a
name — came smirking up with a card in his hand,
saying, that the gentleman was waiting outside to speak
with him. It was a printed one, but the large round
hand in which the address had been filled up encroach-
ing upon the letters, had made the name somewhat
difficult to decipher. At length he puzzled out " Mr.
John Jorrocks — Coram Street " ; the name of the city-
house or shop in the corner (No. — , St. Botolph's
Lane) being struck through with a pen. "Oh, ask
him to walk in directly," said the Yorkshireman to
George, who trotted off; and presently the flapping of
the doors in the passage "'mounced his approach, and
honest Jorrocks came roiiing up the room — not like a
fox-hunter, or any other sort of hunter, but like an
honest wholesale grocer, fresh from the city.
" My dear fellow, I'm so glad to see you, you can't
63
64 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
think," said he, advancing with both hands out,
and hugging the Yorkshireman after the manner of a
Polar bear, " I have not time to stay one moment ; I
have to meet Mr. Wiggins at the corner of Bloomsbury
Square at a quarter to six, and it wants now only seven
minutes to," casting his eye up at the clock over the
side-board. — " I have just called to say that as you are
fond of hunting, and all that sort of thing, if you have
a mind for a day with the stag-hounds to-morrow, I
will mount you same as before, and all that sort of
thing — you understand, eh ? " " Thank you, my good
friend," said the Yorkshireman ; " I have nothing to do
to-morrow, and am your man for a stag-hunt." " That's
right, my good fellow," said Jorrocks, "then I'll tell
you what do — come and breakfast with me in Great
Coram Street, at half-past seven to a minute. I've got
one of the first 'ams (hams) you ever clapt eyes on in
the whole course of your memorable existence. — Saw
the hog alive myself — sixteen score within a pound ;
must come — know you like a fork breakfast [dejeune a
la foiichette), as we say in France, eh? Like my Lord
Mayor's fool, I guess, love what's good ; well, all right
too — so come without any ceremony — us fox-hunters
hates ceremony — where there's ceremony there's no
friendship. — Stay — I had almost forgotten," added he,
checking himself as he was on the point of departure,
" When you come, ring the area bell, and then Mrs. J.
won't hear ; know you don't like Mrs. J. no more than
myself."
At the appointed hour the Yorkshireman reached
Great Coram Street, just as Old Jorrrocks had opened
the door to look down the street for him. He was
dressed in a fine-flowing, olive-green frock (made like
a dressing-gown), with a black velvet collar, having a
gold embroidered stag on each side, gilt stag buttons,
with rich embossed edges ; an acre of buff waistcoat,
and a most antediluvian pair of bright yellow-ochre
buckskins, made by White of Tarporley, in the twenty-
THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS 65
first year of the reign of George the Third ; they were
double-lashed, back-stitched, front-stitched, middle-
stitched, and patched at both knees, with a slit up
behind. The coat he had won in a bet, and the
breeches in a raffle, the latter being then second or
third hand. His boots were airing before the fire,
consequently he displayed an amplitude of calf in grey
worsted stockings, while his feet were thrust into green
slippers. "So glad to see you," said he; "here's a
charming morning, indeed — regular southerly wind
and a cloudy sky — rare scenting it will be — think I
could almost run a stag myself. Come in — never
mind your hat, hang it anywhere, but don't make a
noise. I stole away and left Mrs. J. snoring, so won't
do to awake her, you know. By the way, you should
see my hat ; — Batsey, fatch my hat out of the back
parlour. I've set up a new green silk cord, with a
gold frog to fasten it to my button-hole — werry illigant,
I think, and werry suitable to the dress — quite my
own idea — have a notion all the Surrey chaps will get
them ; for, between you and me, I set the fashions,
and what is more I sometimes set them at a leap too.
But now tell me, have you any objection to break-
fasting in the kitchen? — more retired, you know, be-
sides which you get everything hot and hot, which is
what I call doing a bit of pl/sure." " Not at all," said
the Yorkshireman, " so lead the way " ; and down they
walked to the lower regions.
It was a nice comfortable-looking place, with a
blazing fire, half the floor covered with an old oil-cloth,
and the rest exhibiting the cheerless aspect of the
naked flags. About a yard and a half from the fire
was placed the breakfast table ; in the centre stood a
magnificent uncut ham, with a great quartern loaf on
one side and a huge Bologna sausage on the other ;
besides these there were nine eggs, two pyramids
of muftins, a great deal of toast, a dozen ship-biscuits,
and half a pork-pie, while a dozen kidneys were
S
66 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
spluttering on a spit before the fire, and Betsy held a
gridiron covered with mutton-chops on the top ;
altogether there was as much as would have served
ten people. "Now, sit down," said Jorrocks," and let
us be doing, for I am as hungry as a hunter. Hope
you are peckish too ; what shall I give you ? tea or
coffee ? — but take both — coffee first and tea after a
bit. If / can't give you them good, don't know who
can. You must pay yonx devours, as we say in France,
to the 'am, for it is an especial fine one, and do take a
few eggs with it ; there, I've not given you above a
pound of 'am, but you can come again you know —
' waste not, want not.' Now take some muffins, do,
pray. Betsey, bring some more cream, and set the
kidneys on the table, the Yorkshireman is getting
nothing to eat. Have a chop with your kidney, werry
luxterous — I could eat an elephant stuffed with gren-
adiers, and wash them down with a ocean of tea ; but
pray lay in to the breakfast, or I shall think you don't
like it. There, now take some tea and toast or one
of those biscuits, or whatever you like ; would a little
more 'am be agreeable? Batsey, run into the larder
and see if your Missis left any of that cold chine of
pork last night— and hear, bring the cold goose, and
any cold flesh you can lay hands on, there are really
no wittles on the table. I am quite ashamed to set
you down to such a scanty fork breakfast ; but this is
what comes of not being master of your own house.
Hope your hat may long cover your family : rely upon
it, it is ' cheaper to buy your bacon than to keep a
pig.'" Just as Jorrocks uttered these last words the
side-door opened, and without either " with your leave
or by your leave," in bounced Mrs. Jorrocks in an
elegant dishabille (or "dish-of-veal," as Jorrocks pro-
nounced it), with her hair tucked up in papers, and a
pair of worsted slippers on her feet, worked with roses
and blue lilies.
"Pray, Mister J.," said she, taking no more notice
THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS 67
of the Yorkshi reman than if he had been enveloped
in Jack the Giant-killer's coat of darkness," what is the
meaning of this card ? I found it in your best coat
pocket, which you had on last night, and I do desire,
sir, that you will tell me how it came there. Good morn-
ing, sir (spying the Yorkshireman at last), perhaps you
know where Mr. Jorrocks was last night, and perhaps
yoti can tell me who this person is whose card I have
found in the corner of Mr. Jorrocks's best coat
pocket?" "Indeed, madam," replied the Yorkshire-
man," Mr. Jorrocks's movements of yesterday evening
are quite a secret to me. It is the night that he
usually spends at the Magpie and Stump, but whether
he was there or not I cannot pretend to say, not being
a member of the free and easy club. As for the card,
madam — " "There, then, take it and read it,"
interrupted Mrs. J. ; and he took the card accord-
ingly — a delicate pale pink, with blue borders, and gilt
edge — and read — we would fain put it all in dashes
and asterisks — " Miss Juliana Granville, John Street,
Waterloo Road."
This digression giving Mr. Jorrocks a moment or
two to recollect himself, he pretended to get into a
thundering passion, and, seizing the card out of the
Yorkshireman's hand, he thrust it into the fire,
swearing it was an application for admission into the
Deaf and Dumb Institution, where he wished he had
Mrs. J. The Yorkshireman, seeing the probability of
a breeze, pretended to have forgotten something at
the Piazza, and stole away, begging Jorrocks to pick
him up as he passed. Peace had soon been restored :
for the Yorkshireman had not taken above three or
four turns up and down the coffee-room, ere George
the waiter came to say that a gentleman waited out-
side. Putting on his hat and taking a coat over his
arm, he turned out ; when just before the door he saw
a man muffled up in a great military cloak, and a
glazed hat, endeavouring to back a nondescript double-
68 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
bodied carriage (with lofty mail box-seats and red
wheels), close to the pavement. " JVho-ay, who-ay"
said he, " who-ny, ivho-ay, horse ! " at the same time
jerking at his mouth. As the Yorkshireman made
his exit, a pair of eyes gleamed through the small
aperture between the high cloak collar, and the flipe
of the glazed hat, which he instantly recognized to
belong to Jorrocks. "Why, what the deuce is this
you are in?" said he, looking at the vehicle. "Jump
up," said Jorrocks, "and I'll tell you all about it";
which having done, and the machine being set in
motion, he proceeded to relate the manner in which
he had exchanged his cruelty-van for it — by the way,
as arrant a bone-setter as ever unfortunate got into,
but which he, with the predilection all men have for
their own, pronounced to be a " monstrous fine
carriage." On their turning off the rough pavement
on to the quiet smooth macadamized road leading to
Waterloo Bridge, his dissertation was interrupted by
a loud horse-laugh raised by two or three toll-takers
and boys lounging about the gate.
" I say, Tom, twig this 'ere machine," said one.
" Dash my buttons, 1 never seed such a thing in all
my life." " What's to pay," inquired Jorrocks, pulling
up with great dignity, their observations not having
penetrated the cloak collar which encircled his ears.
"To pay!" said the toll-taker — "vy, vot do ye call
your consarn ? " " Why, a phaeton," said Jorrocks.
" My eyes ! that's a good un," said another. " I say,
Jim, — he calls this 'ere thing a phe-a-ton ! " "A
phe-a-ton ! — vy, it's more like a fire-engine," said Jim.
" Don't be impertinent," said Jorrocks, who had pulled
down his collar to hear what he had to pay — " but
tell me what's to pay ? " " Vy it's a phe-a-ton drawn
by von or more 'orses," said the toll-taker. " And
containing von or more asses," said Tom. " Sixpence-
halfpenny, sir." "You are a saucy fellow," said
Jorrocks. " Thank ye, master, you're another," said
THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS 69
the toll-keeper; "and now that you have had your
say, vot do ye ax for your mouth?" " I say, sir, do
you belong to the Phcenix ? Vy don't you show your
badge ? " "I say, Tom, that 'ere fire-engine has been
painted by some house-painter, it's never been in the
hands of no coach-maker. Do you shave by that 'ere
glazed castor of yours?" " I'm blowed if I wouldn't
get you a shilling a week to shove your face in sand,
to make moulds for brass knockers." " Ay, get away !
— make haste, or the fire will be out," bawled out
another, as Jorrocks whipped on, and rattled out of
hearing.
" Now, you see," said he, resuming the thread of his
discourse, as if nothing had happened, " this back seat
turns down and makes a box, so that when Mrs. J.
goes to her mother's at Tooting, she can take all her
things with her, instead of sending half of them by
the coach as she used to do; and if we are heavy,
there is a pole belonging to it, so that we can have
two horses ; and then there is a seat draws out here
(pulling a stool from between his legs) which anybody
can sit on." " Yes, anybody that is small enough,"
said the Yorkshireman, " but you would cut a queer
figure on it, I reckon." The truth was, that the
"fire-engine" was one of those useless affairs built by
some fool upon a plan of his own, with the idea of
combining every possible comfort and advantage, and
in reality not possessing one. Friend Jorrocks had
seen it at a second-hand shop in Fore Street, and
became the happy owner of it, in exchange for the
cruelty-van and seventeen pounds. Their appearance
on the road created no small sensation, and many
were the jokes passed upon the " fire-engine." One
said they were mountebanks ; another that it was a
horse-break ; a third asked if it was one of Gurney's
steam carriages ; while a fourth swore it was a new
convict-cart going to Brixton. Jorrocks either did
not or would not hear their remarks, and kept
70 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
expatiating upon the different purposes to which the
machine miglit be converted, and the stoutness of the
horse that was drawing it.
As they approached the town of Croydon, he
turned his cloak over his legs in a very workmanlike
manner, and was instantly hailed by some brother
sportsmen ; — one complimented him on his looks,
another on his breeches, a third praised his horse, a
fourth abused the fire-engine, and a fifth inquired
where he got his glazed hat. He had an answer for
them all, and a nod or a wink for every pretty maid
that showed at the windows ; for, though past the
grand climacteric, he still has a spice of the devil in
him, and, as he says, " there is no harm in looking."
The Red Lion at Smitham Bottom was the rendezvous
of the day. It is a small inn on the Brighton road,
some three or four miles below Croydon. On the
left of the road stands the inn, on the right is a small
training ground, and the country about is open common
and down. There was an immense muster about the
inn, and also on the training ground, consisting of
horse-men, gig-men, postchaise-men, foot - men ;
Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman made the fire-men.
"Here's old Jorrocks, I do declare!" exclaimed
one, as Jorrocks drove the fire-engine up at as quick
a pace as his horse would go. " Why, what a concern
he's in," said another, "why, the old man's mad,
surely." "He's good for a subscription," added
another, addressing him ; " I say, Jorrocks, old boy,
you'll give us ten pounds for our hounds, won't you ?
— that's a good old fellow." " Oh, yes, Jorrocks
promised us a subscription last year," observed
another, "and he is a man of his word, aren't you,
old leather - breeches ?" "-No, gentlemen," said
Jorrocks, standing up in the fire-engine, and sticking
the whip into its nest, " I really cati not — I wish I
could, but I really can not afford it. Times really are
so bad, and I have my oivn pack to subscribe to, and
o
<
THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS 71
I must be ' just before I am generous.' " " Oh, but
ten pounds is nothing in your way, you know, Jorrocks,
— adulterate a chest of tea. Old here will give
you all the leaves off his ash-trees." "No," said
Jorrocks, " I really ra« not — ten pounds /j-ten pounds,
and I must cut my coat according to my cloth." By
Jove, but you must have had plenty of cloth when
you cut that coat you've got on, old boy. Why, there's
as much cloth in the laps as would make a pair of
horse-sheets." " Never mind," said Jorrocks, " / wear
it, and not you." " Now," said Jorrocks in an under-
tone to the Yorkshireman, " you see what an uncon-
scionable set of dogs these stag-'unters are. They're
at every man for a subscription, and talk about guineas
as if they grew upon gooseberry bushes. Besides, they
are such a rubbishing set — all drafts from the fox-
'ounds. Now there's a chap on the piebald just by
the trees, — he goes into the Gazette reglarly once in
three years, and yet to see him out you'd fancy all
the country round belonged to him. And there's a
buck with his bearing rein so tight that he can hardly
move his neck," pointing to a gentleman in scarlet,
with a tremendous stiff blue cravat, — " he lives by
keeping a madhouse, and being a werry high, con-
sequential sort of a cock, they calls him the ' Lord
High Keeper ! ' — I'll tell ye a joke about that fellow,"
he said, pointing to a man alighting from a red-wheeled
buggy — "he's a werry shabby screw, and is always
trying to save a penny. Well, he hires a young half-
witted hawbuck for a servant, who didn't clean his
boots to his liking, so he began by reading the Riot
Act one day, and concluded by saying, * I'm blowed if
I couldn't clean them better myself with a little pump
water.' The next day up came the boots duller than
ever. ' Bless my soul,' exclaimed he, ' why they are
worse than before, how's this, sir ? ' ' Please, sir, you
said you could clean them better with a little pump
water, so I tried it, and I do think they are worse ! '
72 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Haw ! haw ! haw ! — Yon chap in the black plush
breeches and Hessians, standing by the ginger-pop
tray, is the only man wot ever got the better of me in
the 'oss-dealing line, and he certain//^ did bite me
uncommon 'andsomely. I gave him three-and-twenty
pounds, a strong violin case with patent hinges, lined
with superfine green baize, and an uncut copy of
Middleton's Cicero, for an 'oss that the blacksmith
really declared wasn't worth shoeing. Howsomever,
I paid him off, for I christened the 'oss Barabbas — who,
you knows, was a robber — and the seller has gone by
the name of Barabbas ever since."
" Well, but tell me, gentlemen, where do we dine?"
inquired Jorrocks, turning to a group who had just
approached the fire-engine. "We don't know yet,"
said a gentleman in scarlet, "the deer has not come
yet ; but yonder he is," pointing up the road to a
covered cart, "and there are the hounds just coming
over the hill at the back." The covered cart ap-
proached, and several went to meet it. The cry of,
"Oh, it's old Tunbridge," was soon heard. "Well,
we shall have a good dinner," said Jorrocks, "if that
is the case. Is it Tunbridge ? " inquired he eagerly of
one of the party who returned from the deer cart.
"Yes, it's old Tunbridge, and Snooks has ordered
dinner at the Wells for sixteen at five o'clock, so the
first sixteen that get there had better look out."
" Here, bouy,'' said Jorrocks in an undertone to his
servant, who was leading his screws about on the
green, " take this 'oss out of the carriage, and give
him a feed of corn, and then go on to Tunbridge
Wells and tell Mr. Pegg, at the Sussex Arms, that I
shall be there with a friend to the dinner, and bid
him write ' Jorrocks ' upon two plates and place them
together. Nothing like making sure," said he, chuck-
ling at his own acuteness.
"Now to 'orse — to 'orse!" exclaimed he, suiting
the action to the word, and climbing on to his great
THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS 73
chestnut, leaving the Yorkshireman to mount the
rat-tail brown. " Let's have a look at the 'ounds,"
turning his horse in the direction in which they were
coming. Jonathan Griffin ^ took off his cap to
Jorrocks as he approached, who waved his hand in
the most patronizing manner possible, adding, " How
are you, Jonathan ? " " Pretty well, thank you.
Mister Jorrocks, hope you're the same." " No, not
the same, for I'm iverry well, which makes all the
difference — haw ! haw ! haw ! You seem to have but
a shortish pack, I think — ten, twelve, fourteen couple
— 'ow's that? We always take nine-and-twenty with
the Surrey." " Why, you see, Mr. Jorrocks, stag-
hunting and fox-hunting are very different. The
scent of the deer is very ravishing, and then we have
no drawing for our game. Besides, at this season,
there are always bitches to put back, — but we have
plenty of hounds for sport, — I suppose we may be
after turning out," added Jonathan, looking at his
watch — " it's past eleven."
On hearing this, a gentleman off with his glove and
began collecting, or capping, prior to turning out — it
being the rule of the hunt to make sure of the money
before starting, for fear of accidents. " Half a crown,
if you please, sir." " Now I'll take your half a crown."
" Mr. Jorrocks, shall I trouble you for half a crown ? "
" Oh surely," said Jorrocks, pulling out a handful of
great five-shilling pieces, "here's for this gentleman
and myself," handing one of them over, " and I shan't
even ask you for discount for ready money." The
capping went round, and a goodly sum was collected.
Meanwhile the deer cart was drawn to the far side of
^ Poor Jonathan, one of the hardest riders and drinkers of his
day, exists, like his pack, but in the recollection of mankind.
He was long huntsman to the late Lord Derby, who, when he
gave up his stag-hounds, made Jonathan a present of them,
and for two or three seasons he scratched on in an indifferent
sort of way, until the hounds were sold to go abroad — to
Hungar)', we believe.
74 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
a thick fence, and the door being opened, a lubberly-
looking animal as big as a donkey, blobbed out, and
began feeding very composedly. "That won't do,"
said Jonathan Grififin, eyeing him — "ride on, Tom,
and whip him away." Off went the whip, followed by
a score of sportsmen whose shouts, aided by the
cracking of their whips, would have frightened the
devil himself; and these worthies, knowing the
hounds would catch them up in due time, resolved
themselves into a hunt for the present, and pursued
the animal themselves. Ten minutes having expired,
and the hounds seeming likely to break away, Jonathan
thought it advisable to let them have their wicked will,
and accordingly they rushed off in full cry to the spot
where the deer had been uncarted. Of course there
was no trouble in casting for the scent, indeed they
were very honest, and did not pretend to any mystery ;
the hounds knew within an inch where it would be,
and the start was pretty much like that for a hunter's
plate in four-mile heats. A few dashing blades rode
before the hounds at starting, but otherwise the field
was tolerably quiet, and was considerably diminished
after the first three leaps. The scent improved, as
did the pace, and presently they got into a lane along
which they rattled for five miles as hard as ever they
could lay legs to the ground, throwing the mud into
each other's faces, until each man looked as if he was
rough-cast. A Kentish waggon, drawn by six oxen,
taking up the whole of the lane, had obliged the dear
animal to take to the fields again, where, at the first
fence, most of our high-mettled racers stood still. In
truth, it was rather a nasty place, a yawning ditch,
with a mud bank, and a rotten landing. " Now, who's
for it ? Go it, Jorrocks, you're a fox-hunter," ^ said
one, who, erecting himself in his stirrups, was ogling
the opposite side. " I don't like it," said Jorrocks,—
1 Fox-hunters always have the privilege of breaking their
necks first, when they'go out with other hounds.
THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS 75
"is never a gate near?" "Oh, yes, at the bottom of
the field," and away they all tore for it. The hounds
now had got out of sight, but were heard running in
cover at the bottom of the turnip-field into which they
had just passed, and also the clattering of horses'
hoofs on the highway. The hounds came out several
times on to the road, evidently carrying the scent, but
as often threw up and returned into the cover. The
huntsman was puzzled at last ; and quite convinced
that the deer was not in the wood, he called them
out, and proceeded to make a cast, followed by the
majority of the field. They trotted about at a brisk
pace, first to the right, then to the left, afterwards to
the north, and then to the south, over grass, fallow,
turnips, potatoes, and flints, through three farmyards,
round two horse-ponds, and at the back of a small
village or hamlet, without a note, save those of a few
babblers. Everyone seemed to consider it a desperate
job. They were all puzzled ; at last they heard a
terrible holloaing about a quarter of a mile to the
south, and immediately after was espied a group of
horsemen, galloping along the road at full speed, in
the centre of which was Jorrocks : his green coat wide
open, with the tails flying a long way behind that of
his horse, his right leg was thrust out, down the side
of which he kept applying his ponderous hunting whip,
making a most terrible clatter. As they approached,
he singled himself out from the group, and was the
first to reach the field. He immediately burst out
into one of his usual hunting energetic strains. " Oh,
Jonathan Grifiin ! Jonathan Gritifin ! " said he, " here's
a lamentable occurrence — a terrible disaster ! Oh
dear, oh dear — we shall never get to Tunbridge — that
unfortunate deer has escaped us, and we shall never
see nothing more of him — rely upon it, he's killed
before this!" "Why, how's that?" inquired Griffin,
evidently in a terrible perturbation. "Why," said
Jorrocks, slapping the whip down his leg again.
76 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
" there's a little girl tells me, that as she was getting
water at the well just at the end of the wood, where
we lost him, she saw what she took to be a donkey
jump into a return post-chaise from the Bell, at Seven
Oaks, that was passing along the road with the door
swinging wide open I and you may rely upon it, it was
the deer. The landlord of the Bell will have cut his
throat before this, for, you know, he wowed wengeance
against us last year, because his wife's pony-chaise
was upset, and he swore that we did it." "Oh, but
that's a bad job," said the huntsman: "what shall
we do?" "Here, Tom," calling to the whipper-in,
"jump on to the Hastings coach (which just came
up), and try if you can't overtake him, and bring him
back, chaise and all, and I'll follow slowly with the
hounds." Tom was soon up, the coach bowled on,
and Jonathan and the hounds trotted gently forward
till they came to a public-house. Here, as they
stopped lamenting over their unhappy fate, and
consoling themselves with some cold sherry negus,
the post-chaise appeared in sight, with the deer's
head sticking out of the side window with all
the dignity of a Lord Mayor. " Huzza ! huzza !
huzza ! " exclaimed Jorrocks, taking off his hat, "here's
old Tunbridge come again, huzza ! huzza ! " " But
who's to pay me for the po-chay," said the driver,
pulling up ; "I must be paid before I let him out."
"How much?" says Jonathan. "Why, eighteen-
pence a mile, to be sure, and threepence a mile to
the driver!" "No," says Jorrocks, " that won't do,
yours is a return chay : however, here's five shillings
for you, and now, Jonathan, turn him out again — he's
quite fresh after his ride — and see he's got some straw
in the bottom."
Old Tunbridge was again turned out, with his head
towards the town from whence he took his name,
and after a quarter of an hour's law, the pack was
again laid on. He was not, however, in very good
THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS 77
wind, and it was necessary to divide the second chase
into two heats, for which purpose the hounds were
whipped off about the middle, while the deer took a
cold bath, after which he was again set a-going. By
half-past three they had accomplished the run ; and
Mr. Pegg, of the Sussex Arms, having mounted his
Pegasus, found them at the appointed place by the
Medway, where old Tunbridge's carriage was waiting,
into which having handed him, they repaired to the
inn, and at five o'clock eighteen of them sat down to
a dinner consisting " of every delicacy of the season " :
the Lord High Keeper in the chair. Being all
" hungry as hunters," little conversation passed until
after the removal of the cloth, when, after the King
and His Majesty's Ministers had been drunk, the
President gave "The noble, manly Sport of Stag-
hunting,"' which he eulogized as the most legitimate
and exhilarating of all sports, and sketched its progress
from its wild state of infancy, when the unhappy
sportsman had to range the fields and forests for their
uncertain game, to the present state of luxurious ease
and elaborate refinement, when they not only brought
their deer to the meet, but, by selecting the proper
animal, could insure a finish at a place they most
wished to dine at, — all of which was most enthusi-
astically applauded ; and on the speakers ending,
" Stag-hunting,'' and the " Surrey stag-hounds," and
" Long life to all stag - hunters," were drunk in
brimming and over-flowing bumpers. Fox-hunting,
hare-hunting, rabbit-hunting, cat-hunting, rat-catching,
badger-baiting, — all wild, seasonable, and legitimate
sports followed ; and the chairman having run through
his list, and thinking Jorrocks was getting rather
mellow, resolved to try the soothing system on him
for a subscription, the badgering of the morning not
having answered. Accordingly, he called on the
company to charge their glasses, as he would give
them a bumper toast, which he knew they would have
78 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
great pleasure in drinking. — " He wished to propose
the health of his excellent friend on his right — Mr.
JoRROCKS (apj)lause), a gentleman whose name only
required mentioning in any society of hunters to
insure it a hearty and enthusiastic reception. He did
not flatter his excellent friend when he said he was a
man for the imitation of all, and he was sure that
when the present company recollected the liberal
support he gave to the Surrey fox-hounds, together
with the keenness with which he followed that branch
of amusement, they would duly appreciate, not only
the honour he had conferred upon them by his
presence in the field that morning, and at the table
that day, but the disinterested generosity which had
prompted him voluntarily to declare his intention of
contributing to the future support of the Surrey stag-
hounds (immense cheers) ; — he therefore thought the
least they could do, was to drink the health of Mr.
Jorrocks, and success to the Surrey fox-hounds, with
three times three" ; which was immediately responded
to with deafening cheers.
Old Jorrocks, after the noise had subsided, got on
his legs, and with one hand rattling the five-shilling
pieces in his breeches-pocket, and the thumb of the
other thrust into the arm-hole of his waistcoat, thus
began to address them — " Gentlemen," said he, " I'm
no orator, but I'm an honest man — (hiccup) — I feels
werry (hiccup) much obliged to my excellent friend
the Lord High Keeper (shouts of laughter), I begs
his pardon — my friend Mr. Juggins — for the werry
flat/^«ing compliment he has paid me in coupling my
name (hiccup) with the Surrey fox-'ounds — a pack, I
may say, without wanity (hiccup), second to none.
I'm a werry old member of the 'unt, and when I was
a werry poor man (hiccup) I always did my best to
support them (hiccup), and now that I'm a werry rich
man (cheers) I shan't do no otherwise. About sub-
scribing to the staggers, I doesn't recollect saying
THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS 79
nothing whatsomever about it (hiccup), but as I'm werry
friendly to sporting in all its ramifications (hiccup), I'll
be werry happy to give ten pounds to your 'ounds," —
immense cheers followed this declaration, which lasted
for some seconds — when they had subsided, Jorrocks
put his finger on his nose, and with a knowing wank
of his eye, added — "prowided my friend the Lord
High Keep — I begs his pardon — Juggins — will give
ten pounds to ours ! "
THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT
NEWMARKET
A MUFFIN— and the Post, sir," said George
to the Yorkshireman, on one of the fine fresh
mornings that gently usher in the returning spring,
and draw from the town-pent Cits sighs for the verdure
of the fields, — as he placed the above-mentioned
articles on his usual breakfast-table in the coffee-room
of the Piazza.
With the calm deliberation of a man whose whole
day is unoccupied, the Yorkshireman sweetened his
tea, drew the muffins and a select dish of prawns to
his elbow, and, turning sideways to the table, crossed
his legs and prepared to con the contents of the
paper. The first page as usual was full of advertise-
ments. — Sales by Auction— Favour of your vote and
interest — If the next of Kin— Reform your tailor's
bills — Law — Articled Clerk — An absolute reversion —
Pony phaeton— Artificial teeth — Messrs. Tattersall —
Brace of pointers — Dog lost — Boy found — Great sacri-
fice — No advance in coffee — Matrimony — A single
gentleman — Board and lodging in an airy situation —
— To Omnibus Proprietors — Steam to Leith and
Hull — Stationery — Desirable investment for a small
capital — The fire reviver or lighter.
Then turning it over, his eye ranged over a whole
meadow of type, consisting of the previous night's
debate, followed on by City News, Police Reports,
Fashionable arrivals and departures. Dinners given,
Si)orting Intelligence, Newmarket Craven meeting.
" That's more in my way," said the Yorkshireman to
80
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 8i
himself as he laid down the paper and took a sip of
his tea. " I've a great mind to go, for I may just as
well be at Newmarket as here, having nothing par-
ticular to do in either place. I came to stay a hundred
pounds in London, it's true, but if I stay ten of it at
Newmarket, it'll be all the same, and I can go home
from there just as well as from here " : so saying, he
took another turn at the tea. The race list was a
tempting one, Riddlesworth, Craven stakes. Column
stakes, Oatlands, Port, Claret, Sherry, Madeira, and
all other sorts. A good week's racing, in fact ; for the
saintly sinners who frequent the Heath had not then
discovered any greater impropriety in travelling on a
Sunday, than in cheating each other on the Monday.
The tea was good, as were the prawns and eggs, and
George brought a second muffin, at the very moment
that the Yorkshireman had finished the last piece of
the first, so that by the time he had done his breakfast
and drawn on his boots, which were drier and
pleasanter than the recent damp weather had allowed
of their being, he felt completely at peace with himself
and all the world, and putting on his hat, sallied forth
with the self-satisfied air of a man who had eaten a
good breakfast, and yet not too much.
. Newmarket was still uppermost in his mind ; and
as he sauntered along in the direction of the Strand,
it occurred to him that perhaps Mr. Jorrocks might
have no objection to accompany him. On entering
that great thoroughfare of humanity, he turned to
the East, and having examined the contents of all
the caricature shops in the line, and paid threepence
for a look at the York Herald, in the Chapter Coffee-
house, St. Paul's Churchyard, about noon he reached
the corner of St. Botolph Lane. Before Jorrocks &
Co.'s warehouse, great bustle and symptoms of brisk
trade were visible. With true city pride, the name on
the door-post was in small dirty-white letters, suffici-
ently obscure to render it apparent that Mr. Jorrocks
6
82 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
considered his house required no sign ; while, as a
sort of contradiction, the covered errand-cart before
it, bore "Jorrocks & Co.'s wholesale tea ware-
house," in great gilt letters on each side of the cover,
so large that " he who runs might read," even though
the errand-cart were running too. Into this cart,
which was drawn by the celebrated rat-tail hunter,
they were pitching divers packages for town delivery,
and a couple of light porters nearly upset the York-
shireman, as they bustled out with their loads. The
warehouse itself gave evident proof of great antiquity.
It was not one of your fine, light, lofty, mahogany-
countered, banker-like establishments of modern
times, where the stock in trade often consists of books
and empty canisters, but a large, roomy, gloomy, dirty,
dingy sort of cellar above-ground, full of hogsheads,
casks, flasks, sugar-loaves, jars, bags, bottles, and boxes.
The floor was half an inch thick, at least, with dirt,
and was sprinkled with rice, currants, raisins, etc., as
though they had been scattered for the purpose of
growing. A small corner seemed to have been cut
off, like the fold of a Leicestershire grazing ground,
and made into an office, in the centre of which was
a square or two of glass that commanded a view
of the whole warehouse. " Is Mr. Jorrocks in ? "
inquired the Yorkshireman of a porter, who was busy
digging currants with a wooden spade. "Yes, sir,
you'll find him in the counting-house," was the
answer ; but on looking in, though his hat and gloves
were there, no Jorrocks was visible. At the further
end of the warehouse a man in his shirt sleeves, with
a white apron round his waist and a brown paper cap
on his head, was seen under a very melancholy-look-
ing skylight, holding his head over something, as if
his nose were bleeding. The Yorkshireman groped
his way up to him, and asking if Mr. Jorrocks was in,
found he was addressing the grocer himself. He had
been leaning over a large tray-full of little white cups —
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 83
with teapots to match — trying the strength, flavour,
and virtue of a large purchase of tea, and the beverage
was all smoking before him. "My vig," exclaimed
he, holding out his hand, "who'd have thought of
seeing you in the city, this is something unkimmon !
However you're werry welcome in St. Botolph Lane,
and as this is your first wisit, why, I'll make you a
present of some tea — wot do you drink? — black or
green, or perhaps both — four pounds of one and two
of t'other. — Here, Joe ! " summoning his foreman,
"put up four pounds of that last lot of black that
came in, and two pounds of superior green, and this
gentleman will tell you where to leave it — And when
do you think of starting?" again addressing the
Yorkshireman — "egad, this is fine weather for the
country — have half a mind to have a jaunt myself —
makes one quite young— feel as if I'd laid full fifty
years aside, and were again a boy — when did you say
you start?" "Why, I don't know exactly," replied
the Yorkshireman, "the weather's so fine that I'm
half tempted to go round by Newmarket. ''New-
market/" exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his arms in
the air, while his paper cap fell from his head with
the jerk — '' l?y Newmarket/ why, what in the name of
all that's impure, have you to do at Newmarket ? "
"Why, nothing in particular; only, when there's
neither hunting nor shooting going on, what is a man
to do with himself? — I'm sure you'd despise me if I
were to go fishing." " True," observed Mr. Jorrocks
somewhat subdued, and jingling the silver in his
breeches pocket. "Fox-'unting is indeed the prince
of sports. The image of war without its guilt, and
only half its danger. I confess that I'm a martyr to
it — a perfect wictim — no one knows wot I suffer from
my ardour. If ever I'm wisited with the last infirmity
of noble minds, it will be caused by my ungovernable
passion for the chase. The sig/it of a saddle makes
me sweat. An 'ound makes me perfectly wild. A
84 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
red coat throws me into a scarlet fever. Never
throughout Hfe have I had a good night's rest before
an 'unting morning. But iverry little racing does for
me ; Sadler's Wells is well enough of a fine summer
evening — especially when they plump the clown over
head in the New River cut, and the ponies don't
misbehave in the Circus, — but oh ! Netvmarkefs a
dreadful place, the werry name's a sickener. I used
to hear a vast about it from poor Will Softly of Friday
Street. It was the ruin of him — and wot a fine
business his father left him, both wholesale and
retail, in the tripe and cow-heel line — all went in two
years, and he had nothing to show at the end of
that time for upwards of twenty thousand golden
sovereigns, but a hundredweight of children's lamb's-
wool socks, and warrants for thirteen hogsheads of
damaged sherry in the Docks. No, take my adwice
and have nothing to say to them — stay where you
are, or, if you're short of swag, come to Great Coram
Street, where you shall have a bed, wear-and-tear for
your teeth, and all that sort of thing found you, and,
if Saturday's a fine day, I'll treat you with a jaunt to
Margate."
" You are a regular old trump," said the Yorkshire-
man, after listening attentively until Mr. Jorrocks had
exhausted himself, " but, you see, you've never been
at Newmarket, and the people have been hoaxing
you about it. I can assure you from personal experi-
ence that the people there are quite as honest as
those you meet every day on 'Change ; besides which,
there is nothing more invigorating to the human
frame — nothing more cheering to the spirits than the
sight and air of Newmarket Heath on a fine fresh
spring morning like the present. The wind seems to
go by you at a racing pace, and the blood canters up
and down the veins with the finest and freest action
imaginable. A stranger to the racecourse would feel,
and almost instinctively know, what turf he was
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 85
treading, and the purpose for which that turf was
intended.
" 'There's a magic in the web of it.'"
" Oh, I knows you are a most persuasive cock,"
observed Mr. Jorrocks, interrupting the Yorkshirenian,
"and would conwince the devil himself that black is
white, but you'll never make me believe the New-
market folks are honest, and as to the fine hair (air)
you talk of, there's quite as good to get on Hampstead
Heath, and if it doesn't make the blood canter up and
down your weins, you can always amuse yourself by
watching the donkeys cantering up and down with the
sweet little children — haw, haw, haw ! — But tell me
what is there at Newmarket that should take a man
there ? " " What is there 1 " rejoined the Yorkshire-
man, " why, there's everything that makes life desirable
and constitutes happiness, in this world, except hunt-
ing. First there is the beautiful, neat, clean town,
with groups of booted professors, ready for the
rapidest march of intellect ; then there are the strings
of clothed horses — the finest in the world — passing
indolently at intervals to their exercise, — the flower
of the English aristocracy residing in the place. You
leave the town and stroll to the wide open heath,
where all is brightness and space ; the white rails
stand forth against the clear blue sky — the brushing
gallop ever and anon startles the ear and eye ; crowds
of stable urchins, full of silent importance, stud the
heath ; you feel elated, and long to bound over the
well groomed turf, and to try the speed of the careering
wind. All things at Newmarket train the mind to
racing. Life seems on the start, and dull indeed
were he who could rein in his feelings when such
inspiriting objects meet together to madden them ! "
" Bravo ! " exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his paper
cap in the air as the Yorkshireman concluded ;
" Bravo ! — werry good indeed ! You speak like ten
86 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Lord Mayors — never heard nothing better. Dash
my vig, if I won't go. By Jove, you've done it. Tell
me one thing — is there a good place to feed at ? "
"Capital!" replied the Yorkshireman ; "beef,
mutton, cheese, ham, all the delicacies of the season,
as the sailor said " ; and thereupon the Yorkshireman
and Jorrocks shook hands upon the bargain.
Sunday night arrived, and with it arrived, at the
Belle Sauvage, in Ludgate Hill, Mr. Jorrocks's boy
" Binjimin," with Mr. Jorrocks's carpet bag ; and
shortly after, Mr. Jorrocks, on his chestnut hunter,
and the Yorkshireman, in a hack cab, entered the
yard. Having consigned his horse to Binjimin, after
giving him a very instructive lesson relative to the
manner in which he would chastise him if he heard
of his trotting or playing any tricks with the horse on
his way home, Mr. Jorrocks proceeded to pay the
remainder of his fare in the coach-office. The mail
was full inside and out; indeed the bookkeeper
assured him he could have filled a dozen more, so
anxious were all London to see the Riddlesworth run.
" Inside," said he, "are you and your friend, and if it
weren't that the night air might give you cold, Mr.
Jorrocks " (for all the bookkeepers in London know
him), " I should have liked to have got you outsides,
and I tried to make an exchange with two blacklegs,
but they would hear of nothing less than two guineas
a head, which wouldn't do, you know. Here comes
another of your passengers — a great foreign nobleman,
they say — Baron something — though he looks as
much like a foreign pickpocket as anything else."
" Vich be de voiture?" inquired a tall, gaunt-
looking foreigner, with immense moustache, a high
conical hat with a bright buckle, long loose blueish-
blackish frock coat, very short white waistcoat, baggy
brownish striped trousers, and long-footed Wellington
boots, with a sort of Chinese turn-up at the toe.
" Vich be de Newmarket voiture ? " said he, repeating
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 87
the query, as he entered the office and deposited a
silk umbrella, a camlet cloak, and a Swiss knapsack
on the counter. The porter, without any attempt at
an answer, took his goods and walked off to the mail,
followed closely by the Baron, and after depositing
the cloak inside, so that the Baron might ride " with
his face to the horses," as the saying is, he turned the
knapsack into the hind boot, and swung himself into
the office till it was time to ask for something for his
exertions. Meanwhile the Baron made a tour of the
yard, taking a lesson in English from the lettering on
the various coaches, when on the hind boot of one,
he deciphered the word Cheapside. — "Ah, Cheap-
side ! " said he, pulling out his dictionary, and turning
to the letter C, "Chaste, chat, chaw, — cheap, dat be
it. Cheap, — to be had at a low price — small value.
Ah ! I hev (have) it," said he, stamping and knitting
his brows, '■'■ Sacr-r-r-r-e tiom de Dieu,'" ^nd the first
word being drawn out to its usual longitude, three
strides brought him and the conclusion of the oath
into the office together. He then opened out upon
the bookkeeper in a tremendous volley of French,
English, and Hanoverian oaths, for he was a cross
between the first and last named countries, the
purport of which was " dat he had paid de best price,
and he be dem if he vod ride on de Cheapside of de
coach." In vain the clerks and bookkeepers tried to
convince him he was wrong in his interpretation.
With the full conviction of a foreigner that he was
about to be cheated, he had his cloak shifted to the
opposite side of the coach, and the knapsack placed
on the roof. The fourth inside having cast up, the
outside passengers mounted, the insides took their
places, threepences and sixpences were pulled out for
the porters, the guard twanged his horn, the coach-
man turned out his elbow, flourished his whip, caught
the point, cried " All right ! Sit tight ! " and trotted
out of the yard.
88 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat opposite each
other, the Baron and old Sam Spring, the betting-
man, did likewise. Who doesn't know old Sam, with
his curious tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, his old
drab hat turned up with green, careless neckcloth,
flowing robe, and comical cut ? He knew Jorrocks,
though — tell it not in Coram Street — he didn't know
his name ; but concluding from the disparity of age
between him and his companion, that Jorrocks was
either a shark or a shark's jackal, and the Yorkshire-
man a victim, with due professional delicacy, he
contented himself with scrutinising the latter through
his specs. The Baron's choler having subsided, he
was the first to break the ice of silence. " Foine
noight," was the observation, which was thrown out
promiscuously to see who would take it up. Now,
Sam Spring, though he came late, had learned from
the porter that there was a Baron in the coach, and
being a great admirer of the nobility, for whose use
he has a code of signals of his own, consisting of one
finger to his hat for a Baron-Lord, as he calls them,
two for a Viscount, three for an Earl, four for a
Marquiss, and the whole hand for a Duke, he
immediately responded with "Yes, my Lord," with a
forefinger to his hat. There is something sweet in
the word " Lord " which finds its way home to the
heart of an Englishman. No sooner did Sam
pronounce it, than the Baron became transformed in
Jorrocks's eyes into a very superior sort of person,
and forthwith he commenced ingratiating himself by
offering him a share of a large paper of sandwiches,
which the Baron accepted with the greatest con-
descension, eating what he could and stuffing the
remainder into his hat. His lordship was a better
hand at eating than speaking, and the united efforts
of the party could not extract from him the precise
purport of his journey. Sam threw out two or three
feasible offers in the way of bets, but they fell still-
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 89
born to the bottom of the coach, and Jorrocks talked
to him about hunting, and had the conversation all
to himself, the Baron merely replying with a bow and
a stare, sometimes diversified with, or " I tank you —
vare good." The conversation by degrees resolved
itself into a snore, in which they were all indulging,
when the raw morning air rushed in among them, as
a porter with a lantern opened the door and
announced their arrival at Newmarket. Forthwith
they turned into the street, and the outside passengers
having descended, they all commenced straddling,
yawning, and stretching their limbs, while the guards
and porters sorted their luggage. The Yorkshireman,
having an eye to a bed, speedily had Mr. Jorrocks's
luggage and his own on the back of a porter on its
way to the Rutland Arms, while that worthy citizen
followed in a sort of sleepy astonishment at the
smallness of the place, inquiring if they were sure
they had not stopped at some village by mistake.
Two beds had been ordered for two gentlemen who
could not get two seats by the mail, which fell to the
lot of those who did, and into these our heroes
trundled, having arranged to be called by the early
exercising hour.
Whether it was from want of his usual night-cap
of brandy and water, or the fatigues of travelling, or
what else, remains unknown, but no sooner was Mr.
Jorrocks left alone with his candle, than all at once he
was seized with a sudden fit of trepidation, on think-
ing that he should have been inveigled to such a place
as Newmarket, and the tremor increasing as he pulled
four five-pound bank notes out of his watch-pocket,
besides a vast of silver, and his great gold watch,
he was resolved, should an attempt be made upon his
property, to defend it with his life, and having squeezed
the notes into the toe of his boots, and hid the silver
in the wash-hand stand, he very deliberately put his
watch and the poker under the pillow, and set the
90 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
heavy chest of drawers with two stout chairs and a
table against the door, after all which exertions he got
into bed and very soon fell sound asleep.
Most of the inmates of the house were up with the
lark to the early exercise, and the Yorkshireman was
as early as any of them. Having found Mr. Jorrocks's
door, he commenced a loud battery against it without
awakening the grocer ; he then tried to open it, but
only succeeded in getting it an inch or two from the
post, and after several holloas of " Jorrocks, my man 1
Mr. Jorrocks ! Jorrocks, old boy ! holloa, Jorrocks ! "
he succeeded in extracting the word "IVof?" from
the worthy gentleman as he rolled over in his bed.
"Jorrocks!" repeated the Yorkshireman, "it's time
to be up." " Wot ?" again was the answer. "Time
to get up. The morning's breaking." '' Let it break,''
replied he, adding in a mutter, as he turned over
again, " it owes me nothing^
Entreaties being useless, and a large party being
on the point of setting off, the Yorkshireman joined
them, and spent a couple of hours on the dew-
bespangled heath, during which time they not only
criticized the figure and action of every horse that
was out, but got up tremendous appetites for break-
fast. In the meantime Mr. Jorrocks had risen, and
having attired himself with his usual care, in a smart
blue coat with metal buttons, buff waistcoat, blue
stocking-netted tights, and Hessian boots, he turned
into the main street of Newmarket, when he was lost
in astonishment at the insignifiancc of the place.
But wiser men than Mr. Jorrocks have been similarly
disappointed, for it enters into the philosophy of few
to conceive the fame and grandeur of Newmarket
compressed into the limits of the petty, outlandish,
Icelandish place that bears the name. "Dash my
vig," said Mr. Jorrocks, as he brought himself to bear
upon Rogers's shop-window, " this is the werry meanest
town I ever did see. Pray, sir," addressing himself
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 91
to a groomish-looking man in a brown cut-away coat,
drab shorts and continuations, who had just emerged
from the shop with a race Hst in his hand, " Pray,
sir, be this your principal street?" The man eyed
him with a mixed look of incredulity and contempt.
At length, putting his thumbs into the arm-holes of
his waistcoat, he replied, " I bet a crown you know
as well as I do." " Done," said Mr. Jorrocks,
holding out his hand. " No — I w^on't do that," re-
plied the man, "but I'll tell you what I'll do with
you, — I'll lay you two to one in fives or fifties if
you like, that you knew before you axed, and that
Thunderbolt don't win the Riddlesworth." " Really,"
said Mr. Jorrocks, " I'm not a betting man." " Then,
what the 'ell (hell) business have you at Newmarket ? "
was all the answer he got. Disgusted with such in-
hospitable impertinence, Mr. Jorrocks turned on his
heel and walked away. Before the White Hart Inn
was a smartish pony phaeton, in charge of a stunted
stable lad. " I say, young chap," inquired Jorrocks,
"whose is that?" "How did you know that I was
a young chap ? " inquired the abortion, turning round.
" Guessed it," replied Jorrocks, chuckling at his own
wit. "Then guess whose it is."
"Pray, are your clocks here by London time?" he
asked of a respectable elderly-looking man whom he
saw turn out of the entry leading to the Kingston
rooms, and take the usual survey first up the town and
then down it, and afterwards compose his hands in his
breeches-pockets, there to stand to see the " world." ^
" Come now, o/d ?///— none o' your tricks here — you've
got a match on against time, I suppose," was all the
answer he could get after the man (old R — n the
ex-flagellator) had surveyed him from head to foot.
We need hardly say after all these rebuffs, that
when Mr. Jorrocks met the Yorkshireman, he was
^ Newmarket or London — it's all the same. " The World"
is but composed of one's own acquaintance.
92 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
not in the best possible humour; indeed, to say
nothing of the extreme sharpness and suspicion of
the people, we know of no place where a man, not
fond of racing, is so completely out of his element
as at Newmarket, for, with the exception of a little
" elbow shaking " in the evening, there is literally and
truly nothing else to do. It is " Heath," " Ditch in,"
"Abingdon mile," " T.Y.C. Stakes," " Sweepstakes,"
"Handicaps," "Bet," "Lay," "Take," "Odds,"
" Evens," morning, noon, and night.
Mr, Jorrocks made bitter complaints during the
breakfast, and some invidious comparisons between
racing-men and fox-hunters, which, however, became
softer towards the close, as he got deeper in the
delicacy of a fine Cambridge brawn. Nature being
at length appeased, he again thought of turning out,
to have a look, as he said, at the shows on the course,
but the appearance of his friend the Baron opposite
the window, put it out of his head, and he sallied
forth to join him. The Baron was evidently incog. :
for he had on the same short dirty-white waistcoat,
Chinese boots, and conical hat, etc., that he travelled
down in, and, being a stranger in the land, of course
he was uncommonly glad to pick up Jorrocks, so after
he had hugged him a little, called him a " bon gar^on,"
and a few other endearing terms, he ran his great
long arm through his, and walked him down street,
the whole peregrinations of Newmarket being com-
prised in the words "?// street" and ^^ do7vn" He
then communicated in most unrepresentable language,
that he was on his way to buy "an 'oss," and Jorrocks
informing him that he was a perfect connoisseur in
the article, the Baron again assured him of his dis-
tinguished consideration. They were met by Joe
Rogers the trainer with a ring key in his hand, who
led the way to the stable, and having unlocked a box
in which was a fine slapping four year old, according
to etiquette he put his hat in a corner, took a switch
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 93
in one hand, laid hold of the horse's head with the
other, while the lad in attendance stripped off its
clothes. The Baron then turned up his wrists, and
making a curious noise in his throat, proceeded to
pass his hand down each leg, and along its back,
after which he gave it a thump in the belly and
squeezed its throat, when, being as wise as he was at
starting, he stuck his thumb in his side, and took a
mental survey of the whole — " Ah," said he at length
— "foin 'oss, — foin 'oss ; vot ears he has?" "Oh,"
said Rogers, " they show breeding." " Non, non, /
say vot ears he has ? " " Well, but he carries them
well," was the answer. " Non, non," stamping, " I
say vot ears {years) he has ? " " Oh, hang it, I twig —
four years old." Then the Baron took another long
look at him. At length he resumed, " I vill my wet."
"What's that?" inquired Rogers, of Jorrocks. "His
7vet — why, a drink to be sure," and thereupon Rogers
went to the pump and brought a glass of pure water,
which the Baron refused with becoming indignation.
"Non non," said he stamping, "/ vill my wet."
Rogers looked at Jorrocks, and Jorrocks looked at
Rogers, but neither Rogers nor Jorrocks understood
him. "/ vill my wet" repeated the Baron, with
vehemence. " He must want some brandy in it,"
observed Mr. Jorrocks, judging of the Baron by
himself, and thereupon the lad was sent for three-
penn'orth. When it arrived, the Baron dashed it
out of his hand with a prolonged sacr-r-r-r-e — ! add-
ing, " I vill von wet-tin-?ii?i-na-ary surgeon." The
boy was despatched for one, and on his arrival the
veterinary surgeon went through the process that the
Baron had attempted, and not being a man of many
words, he just gave the Baron a nod at the end.
" How moch ? " inquired the Baron of Rogers. " Five
hundred," was the answer. " Vot, five hundred
livre ? " " Oh, d — n it, you may take him or leave
him, just as you like, but you won't get him for
94 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
less." The "vet" explained that the Baron wished
to know whether it was five hundred francs (French
tenpences), or five hundred guineas English money,
and being informed that it was the latter, he gave
his conical hat a thrust on his brow, and bolted out
of the box.
But race hour approaches, and people begin to
assemble in groups before the "rooms," while tax-
carts, pony-gigs, post-chaises, the usual aristocratical
accompaniments of Newmarket, come dribbling at
intervals into the town. Here is old Sam Spring in
a spring-cart, driven by a plough-boy in fustian, there
the Earl of on a ten-pound pony, with the girths
elegantly parted to prevent the saddle slipping over
its head, while Miss , his jockey's daughter,
dashes by him in a phaeton with a powdered footman,
and the postilion in scarlet and leathers, with a badge
on his arm. Old Crockey puts on his greatcoat, Jem
Bland draws the yellow phaeton and greys to the
gateway of the White Hart to take up his friend
Crutch Robinson ; Zac, Jack and another have just
driven on in a fly. In short, it's a brilliant meeting ! ^
Besides four coroneted carriages with post horses,
there are three phaetons-and-pair ; a thing that would
have been a phaeton if they'd have let it ; General
Grosvenor's dog-carriage, that is to say, his carriage
with a dog upon it ; Lady Chesterfield and the Hon.
Mrs. Anson, in a pony phaeton with an out-rider
(Miss will have one next meeting instead of the
powdered footman) ; Tattersall in his double carriage,
driving without bearing reins ; Old Theobald in
leather breeches and a buggy ; five Bury butchers in
a tax-cart ; Young Dutch Sam on a pony ; " Short-odds
Richards" on a long -backed crocodile - looking
rosinante ; and no end of pedestrians.
But where is Mr. Jorrocks all this time? Why,
^ The poverty both in numbers and appearance of a Newmarket
turn-out must have surprised many a beholder.
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 95
eating brawn in the Rutland Arms with his friend the
Baron, perfectly unconscious that all these passers-by
were not the daily visibles of the place. " Dash my
vig," said he, as he bolted another half of the round,
" I see no symptoms of a stir. Come, my Lord, do
me the honour to take another glass of sherry." His
lordship was nothing loth, so by mutual entreaties
they finished the bottle, besides a considerable
quantity of porter. A fine, fat, chestnut, long-tailed
Suffolk punch cart mare— fresh from the plough —
having been considerately provided by the Yorkshire-
man for Mr. Jorrocks, with a cob for himself, they
proceeded to mount in the yard, when Mr. Jorrocks
was concerned to find that the Baron had nothing to
carry him. His lordship, too, seemed disconcerted,
but it was only momentary ; for walking up to the
punch mare, and resting his elbow on her hind
quarter to try if she kicked, he very coolly vaulted
up behind Mr. Jorrocks. Now Jorrocks, though
proud of the patronage of a lord, did not exactly
comprehend whether he was in earnest or not, but
the Baron soon let him know ; for thrusting his conical
hat on his brow, he put his arm round Jorrocks's
waist, and gave the old mare a touch in the flank
with the Chinese boot, crying out — " Along, me brave
gargon, along, ma cher 1 " and the owner of the mare
living at Kentford, she went off at a brisk trot in that
direction, while the Yorkshireman slipped down the
town unperceived. The sherry had done its business
on them both ; the Baron, and who, perhaps, was the
most " cut " of the two, chaunted the Marseillaise
hymn of liberty with as much freedom as though he
were sitting in the saddle. Thus they proceeded
laughing and singing until the Bury pay-gate arrested
their progress, when it occurred to the steersman to
ask if they were going right. "Be this the vay to
Newmarket races?" inquired Jorrocks of the pike-
keeper. The man dived into the small pocket of his
96 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
white apron for a ticket, and very coolly replied,
" Shell out, old un." " How much ? " said Jorrocks.
" Tuppence " ; which having got, he said, " Noiv then,
you may turn, for the Heath be over yonder,"
pointing back, " at least, it was there this morning, I
know." After a volley of abuse for his impudence,
Mr, Jorrocks, with some difficulty, got the old mare
pulled round, for she had a deuced hard mouth of
her own, and only a plain snaffle in it ; at last, how-
ever, with the aid of a boy to beat her with a furze
bush, they got her set agoing again, and, retracing
their steps, they trotted " down street," rose the hill,
and entered the spacious, wide-extending flat of
Newmarket Heath. The races were going forward on
one of the distant courses, and a slight, insignificant,
black streak, swelling into a sort of oblong (for all the
world like an overgrown tadpole) was all that denoted
the spot, or interrupted the verdant aspect of the quiet,
extensive plain. Jorrocks was horrified ; having
through life pictured Epsom as a mere drop in the
ocean compared with the countless multitude of
Newmarket, whilst the Baron, who was wholly
indifferent to the matter, nearly had old Jorrocks
pitched over the mare's head by applying the furze
bush (which he had got from the boy) to her tail
while Mr. Jorrocks was sitting loosely, contemplating
the barrenness of the prospect. The sherry was still
alive, and being all for fun, he shuffled back into the
saddle as soon as the old mare gave over kicking ;
and giving a loud tally-ho, with some minor " hunting-
noises," which were responded to by the Baron in
notes not capable of being set to music, and aided by
an equally indescribable accompaniment from the old
mare at every application of the bush, she went off at
score over the springy turf, and bore them triumphantly
to the betting-post just as the ring was in course of
formation, a fact which she announced by a loud
neigh on viewing her companion of the plough, as
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 97
well as by upsetting some half-dozen blacklegs as she
rushed through the crowd to greet her. Great was
the hubbub, shouting, swearing, and laughing, — for
though the Newmarketites are familiar with most
conveyances, from a pair of horses down to a pair
of shoes, it had not then fallen to their lot to see
two men ride into the ring on the same horse —
certainly not with such a hat between them as the
Baron's.
The gravest and weightiest matters will not long
distract the attention of a blackleg, and the laughter
having subsided without Jorrocks or the Baron being
in the slightest degree disconcerted, the ring was again
formed ; horses' heads again turn towards the post,
while carriages, gigs, carts, etc., form an outer circle.
A solemn silence ensues. The legs are scanning the
list. At length one gives tongue. " What starts ?
Does Lord Eldon start?" "No, he don't,"' replies
the owner. "Does Trick, by Catton?" "Yes, and
ConoUy rides — but mind, three pounds over." " Does
John Bull?" "No, John's struck out." "Polly
Hopkins does, so does Talleyrand, also O, Fy ! out of
Penitence. Beagle and Paradox also — and perhaps
Pickpocket."
Another pause, and the pencils are pulled from the
betting books. The legs and lords look at each other,
but no one likes to lead off. At length a voice is
heard offering to take nine to one he names the
winner. " It's short odds, doing it cautiously." " I'll
take eight, then," he adds — "5/W// / " but no one bites.
" What will anyone lay about Trick by Catton ? "
inquires Jem Bland. " I'll lay three to two again
him." " I'll take two to one — two ponies to one,
and give you a suv for laying it." " Carn't," is the
answer. "I'll do it, Jem," cries a voice. "No, j^iz^
won't," from Bland, not liking his customer. Now
they are all at it, and what a hubbub there is ! " I'll
back the field — I'll lay— I'll take— I'll bet — ponies —
7
98 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
fifties — hundreds — five hundred to two." " What do
you want, my Lord ? " " Three to one against Trick,
by Catton." " Carn't afford it — the odds real/y arn't
that in the ring." "Take two — two hundred to one."
"No." "Crockford, you'll do it for me?" "Yes,
my Lord. Twice over if you like. Done, done."
" Do it again ? " " No, thank you."
"Trick by Catton don't start!" cries a voice.
'■''Impossible!'''' exclaim his backers. "Quite true,
I'm just from the weighing-house, and told me
so himself." " Shame ! shame I " roar those who have
backed him (it being a play or pay day), and " honour
— rascals — rogues — thieves — robbery — swindle — turf-
ruined " — fly from tongue to tongue, but they are all
speakers with never a speaker to cry order. Mean-
while the lads have galloped by on their hacks with
the horses' clothes to the rubbing-house, and the
horses have actually started, and are now visible in
the distance sweeping over the open heath, appar-
ently without guide or beacon.
The majority of the ring rush to the white judge's
box, and have just time to range themselves along
the rude stakes and ropes that guard the run-in, and
the course-keeper in a shooting-jacket on a rough
pony to crack his whip, and cry to half a dozen stable
lads to " clear the course," before the horses come
flying towards home. Now all is tremor ; hope and
fear vacillating in each breast. Silence stands breath-
less with expectation — all eyes are riveted — the horses
come within descrying distance — " beautiful ! " three
close together, two behind. " Clear the course ! clear
the course ! pray clear the course ! " " Polly Hopkins !
Polly Hopkins ! " roar a hundred voices as they near,
" O, Fy ! O, Fy ! " respond an equal number. " The
horse ! the horse ! " bellow a hundred more, as though
their yells would aid his speed, as Polly Hopkins, O,
Fy ! and Talleyrand rush neck-and-neck along the
cords and pass the judge's box. A cry of " dead
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 99
heat ! " is heard. The bystanders see as suits their
books, and immediately rush to the judge's box,
betting, bellowing, roaring, and yelling the whole way.
" What's won ? what's won ? what's won ? " is vocife-
rated from a hundred voices. " Polly Hopkins !
Polly Hopkins ! Polly Hopkins ! " replies Mr. Clark
with judicial dignity. " By how much ? by how
much ? " " Half a head — half a head," replies the
same functionary. "What's second?" " O, Fy ! "
And so, amid the song of " Pretty, pretty Polly
Hopkins," from the winners, and curses and execra-
tions long, loud and deep, from the losers, the scene
closes.
The admiring winners follow Polly to the rubbing-
house, while the losing horses are left in the care of
their trainers and stable-boys, who condole themselves
with hopes of " better luck next time."
After a storm comes a calm, and the next proceed-
ing is the wheeling of the judge's box, and removal of
the old stakes and ropes to another course on a
different part of the heath, which is accomplished by
a few ragged rascals, as rude and uncouth as the
furniture they bear. In less than half an hour the
same group of anxious careworn countenances are
again turned upon each other at the betting-post, as
though they had never separated. But see ! the
noble owner of Trick, by Catton, is in the crowd, and
Jem Bland eyeing him like a hawk. " I say, Waggey,"
cries he (singHng out a friend stationed by his lord-
ship), "had you aught on Trick, by Catton?" "No,
Jem," roars Wagstaff, shaking his head, " I knew my
man too well." " Why now, Waggey, do you know /
wouldn't have done such a thing for the world ! no,
not even to have been made a Markiss ! " A horse-
laugh follows this denunciation, at which the newly-
created marquis bites his livid lips.
The Baron, who appears to have no taste for
walking, still sticks to the punch mare, which Mn
loo JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Jorrocks steers to the newly-formed ring, aided by
the Baron and the furze bush. Here they come
upon Sam Spring, whose boy has just brought his
spring-cart to bear upon the ring formed by the
horsemen, and thinking it a pity that a nobleman of
any country should be reduced to the necessity of
riding double, very politely offers to take one into his
carriage. Jorrocks accepts the offer, and forthwith
proceeds to make himself quite at home in it. The
chorus again commences, and Jorrocks interrogates
Sam as to the names of the brawlers. "Who is
that?" said he, "offering to bet a thousand to a
hundred." Spring, after eyeing him through his
spectacles, with a grin and a look of suspicion, replies,
" Come now — come — let's have no nonsense — you
know as well as L" " Really," replies Mr. Jorrocks,
most earnestly, "/ ^(?«V." "Why, where have you
lived all your life?" " First part of it with my grand-
mother at Lisson Grove, afterwards at Camberwell,
but now I resides in Great Coram Street, Russell
Square — a werry fashionable neighbourhood." " Oh,
I see," replies Sam, " you are one of the reg'lar city
coves, then — now, what brings you here?" "Just to
say I've been to Newmarket, for I'm blowed if ever
you catch me here again." "That's a pity," replied
Sam, " for you look like a promising man — a hand-
some-bodied chap in the face — don't you sport any ? "
" Oh, a vast ! — 'unt regularly — I'm a member of the
Surrey 'unt — capital one it is, too — best in England
by far." "What do you hunt?" inquired Sam.
"Foxes, to be sure." "And are they good eating?"
" Come," replied Jorrocks, " you know as well as I
do, we don't eat 'em." The dialogue was interrupted
by someone calling to Sam to know what he was
backing.
"The Bedlamite colt, my Lord," with a forefinger
to his hat. "Who's that?" in(|uired Jorrocks.
" That's my Lord L — , a baron-lord — and a very
THE TURF : AT NEWMARKET loi
nice one — best baron-lord I know — always bets with
me — that's another baron-lord next him, and the man
next him is a baron-knight, a stage below a baron-lord
— something between a nobleman and a gentleman."
" And who be that stout, good-looking man in a blue
coat and velvet collar next him, just rubbing his chin
with the race-card — he'll be a lord too, I suppose ? "
" No, — that's Mr. Gully, as honest a man as ever
came here, — that's Crockford before him. The man
on the right is Mr. C — , who they call the ' Cracks-
man,' because formerly he was a professional house-
breaker, but he has given up that trade, and turned
gentleman, bets, and keeps a gaming-table. This
little ugly, black-faced chap, that looks for all the
world like a bilious Scotch terrier, has lately come
among us. He was a tramping pedlar — sold worsted
stockings — attended country courses, and occasionally
bet a pair. Now he bets thousands of pounds, and
keeps race-horses. The chaps about him, all covered
with chains and rings and brooches, were in the
duffing-line — sold brimstoned sparrows for canary-
birds, Norwich shawls for real Cashmere, and dried
cabbage-leaves for cigars. Now each has a first-rate
house, horses and carriages, and a play-actress among
them. Yon chap, with an <?.rtravagantly big mouth,
is a cabinetmaker at Cambridge. He'll bet you a
thousand pounds as soon as look at you.
" The chap on the right of the post, with the red
tie, is the son of an ostler. He commenced betting
thousands with a farthing capital. The man next
him, all teeth and hair, like a rat-catcher's dog, is an
Honourable by birth, but not very honourable in his
nature." " But see," cried Mr. Jorrocks," " Lord
is talking to the Cracksman." "To be sure," replies
Sam, "that's the beauty of the turf. The lord and
the leg are reduced to an equality. Take my word
for it, if you have a turn for good society, you should
come upon the turf. — I say, my Lord Duke ! " with
102 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
all five fingers up to his hat, " I'll lay you three to
two on the Bedlamite colt." "Done, Mr. Spring,"
replies his Grace, "three ponies to two." "There/"
cried Mr. Spring, turning to Jorrocks, "didn't I tell
you so?" The riot around the post increases. It
is near the moment of starting, and the legs again
become clamorous for what they want. Their
vehemence increases. Each man is in extremis.
"They are off!" cries one. "No, they are not,"
replies another. " False start," roars a third. "Now
they come!" "No, they don't!" "Back again."
They are off at last, however, and away they speed
over the flat. The horses come within descrying
distance. It's a beautiful race — run at score the
whole way, and only two tailed off within the cords.
Now they set to — whips and spurs go, legs leap, lords
shout, and amid the same scene of confusion — betting,
galloping, cursing, swearing, and bellowing — the horses
rush p>ast the judge's box.
But we have run oiir race, and will not fatigue our
readers with repetition. Let us, however, spend the
evening, and then the " Day at Newmarket " will be
done.
Mr. Spring, with his usual attention to strangers,
persuades Mr. Jorrocks to make one of a most agree-
able dinner-party at the White Hart, on the assurance
of spending a delightful evening. Covers are laid for
sixteen in the front room downstairs, and about six
o'clock that number are ready to sit down. Mr.
Badchild, the accomplished keeper of an oyster-room
and minor hell in Pickering Place, is prevailed upon
to take the chair, supported on his right by Mr.
Jorrocks, and on his left by Mr. Tom Rhodes, of
Thames Street, while the stout, jolly, portly Jerry
Hawthorn fills — in the fullest sense of the word — the
vice-chair. Just as the waiters are removing the
covers, in stalks the Baron, in his conical hat, and
reconnoitres the viands. Sam, all politeness, invites
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 103
him to join the party. " I tank you," replies the
Baron, " but I have my wet in de next room," " But
bring your wet with you," rejoins Sam, "we'll all have
our ivet together after dinner," thinking the Baron
meant his wine.
The usual inn grace — " For what we are going to
receive the host expects to be paid," — having been
said with great feeling and earnestness, they all set
to at the victuals, and little conversation passed until
the removal of the cloth, when Mr. Badchild, calling
upon his Vice, observed that as in all probability
there were gentlemen of different political and other
opinions present, perhaps the best way would be to
give a comprehensive toast, and so get over any
debatable ground, — he therefore proposed to drink
in a bumper, " The King, the Queen, and all the
Royal Family, the Ministry, particularly the Master
of the Horse, the Army, the Navy, the Church, the
State, and after the excellent dinner they had eaten,
he would include the name of the landlord of the
White Hart" (great applause). Song from Jerry
Hawthorn — " The King of the Cannibal Islands." —
The chairman then called upon the company to fill
their glasses to a toast upon which there could be
no difference of opinion. " It was a sport which they
all enjoyed, one that was delightful to the old and to
the young, to the peer and to the peasant, and open
to all. Whatever might be the merits of other
amusements, he had never yet met any man with
the hardihood to deny that racing was at once the
noblest and most legitimate " (loud cheers, and
thumps on the table, that set all the glasses dancing),
"not only was it the noblest and most legitimate,
but it was the most profitable ; and where was the
man of high and honourable principle who did not
feel, when breathing the pure atmosphere of that
Heath, a lofty self-satisfaction at the thought that
though he might have left those who were near and
104 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
dear to him in a less genial atmosphere, still he was
not selfishly enjoying himself, without a thought for
their welfare ; for racing, while it brought health and
vigour to the father, also brought what was dearer to
the mind of a parent — the means of promoting the
happiness and prosperity of his family" (immense
cheers). "With these few observations, he should
simply propose, 'The Turf,' and may we long be
above it" — (applause, and, on a motion of Mr.
Spring, three cheers for Mrs. Badchild and all the
little Badchildren were called for and given). When
the noise had subsided, Mr. Jorrocks very deliberately
got up, amid whispers and inquiries as to who he
was. " Gentlemen," said he, with an indignant stare,
and a thump on the table. " Gentlemen, I say, in
much of what has fallen from our worthy chairman,
I go-in-sides, save in what he says about racing — I
insists that ^tinti?ig is the sport of sports " (immense
laughter, and cries of "Wot an old fool ! ") " Gentlemen
yu may laugh, but I say it's a fact, and though I doesn't
wish to create no displeasancywhatsomever, yet I should
despise myself most confoundedly — should consider
myself unworthy of the great and distinguished 'unt to
which I have the honour to belong, if I sat quietly
down without sticking up for the Chase (laughter) —
I say, it's one of the balances of the Constitution
(laughter) — I say, it's the sport of kings ! the image
of war without its guilt (hisses and immense laughter).
I will fearlessly propose a bumper toast — I will give
you ' Fox-hunting.' " There was some demur about
drinking it, but on the interposition of Sam Spring,
who assured the company that Jorrocks was one of
the right sort, and with an addition proposed by Jerry
Hawthorn, which made the toast more comprehensible,
they swallowed it, and the chairman followed it up
with "The Sod," — which was drunk with great ap-
plause. Mr. Cox of Blue Hammerton returned
thanks. " He considered cock-fighting the finest of
THE TURF: AT NEWMARKET 105
all fine amusements. Nothing could equal the rush
between two prime grey-hackles — that was his colour.
The chairman had said a vast for racing, and to cut
the matter short, he might observe that cock-fighting
combined all the advantages of making money, with
the additional benefit of not being interfered with by
the weather. He begged to return his best thanks
for himself and brother sods, and only regretted he
had not been taught speaking in his youth, or he
would certainly have convinced them all that ' Cock-
ing ' was the sport." " Coursing " was the next toast,
for which Arthur Pavis, the jockey, returned thanks.
" He was very fond of the 'long dogs,' and thought,
after racing, coursing was the true thing. He was no
orator, and so he drank off his wine to the health of
the company." "Steeplechasing " followed, for which
Mr. Coalman of St. Albans returned thanks, assuring
the company that it answered his purpose remarkably
well. Then the Vice gave the Chair, and the Chair
gave the Vice ; and by way of a finale, Mr. Badchild
proposed the game of Chicken-hazard, observing in
a whisper to Mr. Jorrocks, that perhaps he would
like to subscribe to a joint-stock purse ^ for the
purpose of going to hell. To which Mr. Jorrocks,
with great gravity, replied, " Sir, I'm d — d if I do."
^ It is common for parties to club their money and appoint
one of their body to play the game.
AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT
MARGATE
THE shady side of Cheapside had become a luxury,
and footmen in red plush breeches objects of
real commiseration, when Mr. Jorrocks, tired of the
heat and "ungrateful hurry of the town," resolved
upon undertaking an aquatic excursion. He was
sitting, as is "his custom always in the afternoon,"
in the arbour at the further end of his gravel walk,
which he dignifies by the name of " garden," and had
just finished a rough mental calculation as to whether
he could eat more bread spread with jam or honey,
when the idea of the jaunt entered his imagination.
Being a man of great decision, he speedily winnowed
the project over in his mind, and, producing a five-
pound note from the fob of his small-clothes, passed
it in review between his fingers, rubbed out the
creases, held it up to the light, re-folded and restored
it to his fob. " Batsay," cried he, " bring my castor
— the white one as hangs next the blue cloak "i; and
forthwith a rough-napped, unshorn-looking, white hat
was transferred from the peg to Mr. Jorrocks's head.
This done, he proceeded to the Piazza, where he
found the Yorkshircman exercising himself up and
down the spacious coffee-room, and, grasping his
hand with the firmness of a vice, he forthwith began
unburthening himself of the object of his mission.
^"02v are you V said he, shaking his arm like the
handle of a pump, " 'Ow are you, I say? — I'm so
delighted to see you, ye carn't think — Isn't this
charming weather ? It makes me feel like a butter-
108
AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 107
fly — really think the 'air is sprouting under my vig."
Here he took off his wig and rubbed his hand over
his bald head, as though he were feeling for the
shoots.
" Now to business — Mrs. J. is away at Tooting, as
you perhaps knows, and I'm all alone in Great Coram
Street, with the key of the cellar, larder, and all that
sort of thing, and I've a werry great mind to be off on
a jaunt — what say you ? " " Not the slightest objec-
tion," replied the Yorkshireman, " on the old principle
of you finding cash and me finding company." " Why,
now I tell you, werry honestly, that I should greatly
prefer your paying your own shot; but, however, if
you've a mind to do as I do, I'll let you stand in the
half of a five-pound note and whatever silver I have in
my pocket," pulling out a great handful as he spoke,
and counting up thirty-two and sixpence. " Very
good," replied the Yorkshireman when he had
finished, " I'm your man ; — and not to be behind-
hand in point of liberality, I've got threepence that
I received in change at the cigar divan just now,
which I will add to the common stock, so that we
shall have six pounds twelve and ninepence between
us." " Between us ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, " now
that's so like a Yorkshireman. I declare you Northerns
seem to think all the world are asleep except your-
selves ; howsomever, I von't quarrel with you —
you're a goodish sort of chap in your way, and so
long as I keep the swag, we carn't get far wrong.
Well, then, to-morrow, at two we'll start for Margate
— the most delightful place in all the world, where we
will have a rare jollification, and can stay just as long
as the money holds out. So now good-bye — I'm off
home again to see about wittles for the woyage."
It were almost superfluous to mention that the
following day was a Saturday, — for no discreet citizen
would think of leaving town on any other. It dawned
with uncommon splendour, and the cocks of Coram
io8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Street and adjacent parts seemed to hail the morn
with more than their wonted energy. Never, save on
a hunting morning, did Mr. Jorrocks tumble about in
bed with such restless anxiety as cock after cock took
up the crow, in ever}' gradation of noise from the shrill
note of the free street-scouring chanticleer before the
door, to the faint response of the cooped and prisoned
victims of the neighbouring poulterer's, their efforts
being aided by the flutterings and impertinent chirrup-
ing of swarms of town-bred sparrows.
At length the boy, Binjimin, tapped at his master's
door, and, depositing his can of shaving-water on his
dressing-table, took away his coat and waistcoat under
pretence of brushing them, but in reality to feel if he
had left any pence in the pockets. With pleasure Mr.
Jorrocks threw aside the bed-clothes, and bounded
upon the floor with a bump that shook his own and
adjoining houses. On this day a few extra minutes
were devoted to his toilet, one or two of which were
expended in adjusting a gold fox-head pin in a con-
spicuous part of his white tie, and in drawing on a
pair of new dark-blue stocking-net pantaloons made
so excessively tight that at starting any of his New-
market friends would have laid three to two against
his ever getting into them at all. When on, however,
they fully developed the substantial proportions of his
well-rounded limbs, while his large-tasselled Hessians
showed that the bootmaker had been instructed to
make a pair for a "great calf." A blue coat, with
metal buttons, ample laps, and pockets outside, with
a handsome buff kerseymere waistcoat, formed his
costume on this occasion. Breakfast being over, he
repaired to St. Botolph Lane, there to see his letters
and look after his commercial affairs ; in which the
reader not being interested, we will allow the York-
shireman to figure a little, i
About half-past one this enterprising young man
placed himself in Tommy Sly's wherry at the foot of
AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 109
the Savoy Stairs, and, not agreeing in opinion with
Mr. Jorrocks that it is of " no use keeping a dog and
barking oneself," he took an oar and helped to row
himself down to London Bridge. At the wharf below
the bridge there lay a magnificent steamer, painted
pea-green and white, with flags flying from her masts,
and the deck swarming with smart bonnets and
bodices. Her name was the Royal Adelaide, from
which the sagacious reader will infer that this
excursion was made during the late reign. The
Yorkshireman and Tom Sly having wormed their
way among the boats, were at length brought up
near one of the vessels, and, after lying on their
oars a few seconds, they were attracted by " Now,
sir, are you going to sleep there ? " addressed to a
rival nautical whose boat obstructed the way, and, on
looking up on deck, what a sight burst upon the
Yorkshireman's astonished vision ! — Mr. Jorrocks
with his coat off, and a fine green velvet cap or
turban, with a broad gold band and tassel, on his
head, hoisting a great hamper out of the wherry,
rejecting all offers of assistance, and treating the
laughter and jeers of the porters and bystanders
with ineffable contempt. At length he placed the
load to his liking, and, putting on his coat, adjusted
his hunting telescope, and advanced to the side, as
the Yorkshireman mounted the step-ladder, and came
upon deck. " Werry near being over late," said he,
pulling out his watch, just at which moment the last
bell rang, and a few strokes of the paddles sent the
vessel away from the quay. " A miss is as good as
a mile," replied the Yorkshireman ; " but pray what
have you got in the hamper ? "
"In the 'amper ! Why, wittles, to be sure ! You
seem to forget we are going a woyage, and 'ow keen
the sea hair is. I've brought a knuckle of weal, half
a ham, beef, sarsingers, chickens, sherry white and
all that sort of thing, and werry acceptable they'll
no JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
be by the time we get to the Nore, or may be
before.
""Ease her! Stop her !" cried the captain through
his trumpet, just as the vessel was getting into her
stride in midstream, and, with true curiosity, the
passengers . flocked to the side, to see who was
coming, though they could not possibly have ex-
amined half they had on board. Mr. Jorrocks, of
course, was not behindhand in inquisitiveness, and
proceeded to adjust his telescope. A wherry was
seen rowing among the craft, containing the boat-
man, and a gentleman in a woolly white hat, with a
bright pea-green coat, and a basket on his knee. " By
Jingo, here's Jemmy Green ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks,
taking his telescope from his eye, and giving his thigh
a hearty slap. " How unkimmon lucky ! The werry
man of all others I should most like to see. You
know James Green, don't you?" addressing the
Yorkshireman, — ^^ young James Green, junior, of
Tooley Street — everybody knows him — most agree-
able young man in Christendom — fine warbler —
beautiful dancer — everything that a young man
should be."
"How are you, James?" cried Jorrocks, seizing
him by the hand as his friend stepped upon deck ;
but whether it was the nervousness occasioned by the
rocking of the wherry, or the shaking of the step-
ladder up the side of the steamer, or Mr. Jorrocks's
new turban cap, but Mr. Green, with an old-maidish
reserve, drew back from the proffered embrace of his
friend. " You have the adwantage of me, sir," said
he, fidgeting back as he spoke, and eyeing Mr.
Jorrocks with unmeasured surprise — " Yet stay, — if
I'm not deceived it's Mr. Jorrocks, — so it is ! " and
thereupon they joined hands most cordially, amid
exclamations of "'Ow are you, J. ? " " 'Ow are you,
G. ? " " 'Ow are you, J. ? " " So glad to see you, J."
"So glad to see you, G." "So glad to see you, J."
AQUATICS: AT MARGATE iii
"And pray what may you have in your basket?"
inquired Mr. Jorrocks, putting his hand to the bottom
of a neat Httle green-and-white willow woman's-basket,
apparently for the purpose of ascertaining its weight.
"Only my clothes, and a little prowision for the
woyage. A baked pigeon, some cold maccaroni, and
a few pectoral lozenges. At the bottom are my
Margate shoes, with a comb in one, and a razor in
t'other ; then comes the prog, and at the top I've a
dickey and a clean front for to-morrow. I abominates
travelling with much luggage. Where, I ax, is the
use of carrying nightcaps, when the innkeepers
always prowide them, without extra charge? The
same with regard to soap. Shave, I say, with what
you find in your tray. A wet towel makes an
excellent tooth-brush, and a penknife both cuts and
cleans your nails. Perhaps you'll present your friend
to me ? " added he in the same breath, with a glance
at the Yorkshireman, upon whose arm Mr. Jorrocks
was resting his telescope hand. "Much pleasure,"
replied Mr. Jorrocks, with his usual urbanity, "Allow
me to introduce Mr. Stubbs, Mr. Green, Mr. Green,
Mr. Stubbs ; now pray shake hands," added he, "for
I'm sure you'll be werry fond of each other " ; and
thereupon Jemmy, in the most patronizing manner
extended his two forefingers to the Yorkshireman,
who presented him with one in return. For the
information of such of our readers as may never have
seen Mr. James Green, senior junior, either in Tooley
Street, South wark, where the patronymic name
abounds, or at Messrs. Tattersall's, where he generally
exhibits on a Monday afternoon, we may premise,
that though a little man in stature, he is a great man
in mind, and a great swell in costume. On the
present occasion, as already stated, he had on a
woolly white hat, his usual pea-green coat, with a
fine, false, four-frilled front to his shirt, embroidered,
pleated, and puckered, like a lady's habit- skirt. Down
112 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the front were three or four different sorts of studs,
and a butterfly brooch, made of various coloured
glasses, sat in the centre. His cravat was of a yellow
silk with a flowered border, confining gills sharp and
pointed that looked up his nostrils ; his double-
breasted waistcoat was of red and yellow tartan with
blue glass postboy buttons ; and his trousers, which
were very wide and cut out over the foot of rusty-
black chamois-leather opera-boots, were of a broad
blue stripe upon a white ground. A curly, bushy,
sandy-coloured wig protruded from the sides of his
woolly white hat, and shaded a vacant countenance,
which formed the frontispiece of a great chuckle head.
Sky-blue gloves and a stout cane, with large tassels,
completed the rigging of this Borough dandy.
Altogether he was as fine as any peacock, and as vain
as the proudest.
"And 'ow is Mrs. J.?" inquired Green, with the
utmost affability — " I hope she's uncommon well —
pray, is she of your party?" looking round. "Why,
no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " she's off at Tooting at
her mother's and I'm just away, on the sly, to stay a
five-pound at Margate this delightful weather. 'Ow
long do you remain?" "Oh, only till Monday
morning — I goes every Saturday ; in fact," added he,
in an undertone, " I've a season ticket, so I may just
as well use it, as stay poking in Tooley Street with
the old folks, who really are so uncommon glumpy,
that it's quite refreshing to get away from them."
"That's a pity," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with one of
his benevolent looks. " But 'ow comes it, James,
you are not married ? You are not a bouy now, and
should be looking out for a home of your own."
"True, my dear J., true," replied Mr. Green ; "and
I tell you wot, our principal bookkeeper and I have
made many calculations on the subject, and being a
man of literature like yourself, he gave it as his
opinion the last time we talked the matter over, that
AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 113
it would only be avoiding Silly and running into Crab-
beds ; which, I presume, means Quod or the Bench.
Unless he can have a wife ' made to order,' he says
he'll never wed. Besides, the women are such a
bothersome, encroaching set. I declare I'm so
pestered with them that I don't know vich vay to
turn. They are always tormenting of me. Only last
week one sent me a specification of what she'd marry
me for, and I declare her dress, alone, came to more
than I have to find myself in clothes, ball and concert
tickets, keep an 'oss, go to theatres, buy lozenges,
letter-paper, and everything else with. There were
bumbazeens, and challies, and merinoes, and crape,
and gauze, and dimity, and caps, bonnets, stockings,
shoes, boots, rigids, stays, ringlets ; and, would you
believe it, she had the unspeakable audacity to include
a bustle ! It was the most monstrous specification
and proposal I ever read, and I returned it by the
twopenny post, axing her if she hadn't forgotten to
include a set of false teeth. Still, I confess, I am
tired of Tooley Street. I feel that I have a soul
above hemp, and was intended for a brighter sphere ;
but vot can von do, cooped up at home without
men of henergy for companions? No prospect of
improvement either ; for I left our old gentleman
alarmingly well just now, pulling about the flax and
tow, as though his dinner depended upon his
exertions. I think if the women would let me alone,
I might have some chance, but it worries a man of
sensibility and refinement to have them always
tormenting of one. I've no objections to be led, but,
dash my buttons, I vo?i't be driven!" "Certainly
not," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with great gravity, jingling
the silver in his breeches' pocket. " It's an old
saying, James, and time proves it true, that you may
take an 'oss to the water, but you carn't make him
drink — and, talking of 'osses, pray, how are you off
in //^fl-/ line ? " "Oh, werry well — uncommon, I may
8
114 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
say — a thorough-bred, bang tail down to the hocks, by
Phantom, out of Baron Munchausen's dam — gave a
hatful of money for him at Tatt.'s — -five fives — a deal
of tin as times go. But he's a perfect 'oss, I assure
you — bright bay with four black legs, and never a
white hair upon him. He's touched in the vind, but
that's nothing — I'm not a fox-hunter, you know, Mr.
Jorrocks ; besides, I find the music he makes werry
useful in the streets, as a warning to the old happle
women to get out of the way. Fray, sir," turning to
the Yorkshireman, with a jerk, "do you dance?" —
as the boat-band, consisting of a harp, a flute, a lute, a
long horn, and a short horn, struck up a quadrille, —
and, without waiting for a reply, our hero sidled past,
and glided among the crowd that covered the deck.
" A fine young man, James," observed Jorrocks,
eyeing Jemmy as he elbowed his way down to the
boat — " fine young man — wants a little of his father's
ballast, but there's no putting old heads on young
shoulders. He's a beautiful dancer," added Mr.
Jorrocks, putting his arm through the Yorkshireman's,
" let's go and see him foot it." Having worked their
way down, they at length got near the dancers, and,
mounting a ballast box, had a fine view of the
quadrille. There were eight or ten couple at work,
and Jemmy had chosen a fat, dumpy, red-faced girl,
in a bright orange-coloured muslin gown, with black
velvet Vandyked flounces, and green boots — a sort of
walking sunflower, with whom he was pointing his
toe, kicking out behind, and pirouetting with great
energy and agility. His male vis-a-vis was a waistcoat-
less young Daniel Lambert, in white ducks, and a
blue dress-coat, with a carnation in his mouth, who,
with a damsel in ten colours, reel'd to and fro in
humble imitation. " Green for ever ! " cried Mr.
Jorrocks, taking off his velvet cap and waving it
encouragingly over his head : " Green for ever ! Go
it, Green!" and, accordingly Green went it with
AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 115
redoubled vigour. "Wiggins for ever!" responded
a female voice opposite, '' I say, Wiggins/" which
was followed by a loud clapping of hands, as the fat
gentleman made an astonishing step. Each had his
admiring applaudcrs, though Wiggins " had the call "
among the ladies — the opposition voice that put him
in nomination proceeding from the mother of his
partner, who, like her daughter, was a sort of walking
pattern-book. The spirit of emulation lasted through-
out the quadrille, after which. Sunflower in hand,
Green traversed the deck to receive the compliments
of the company.
"You must be 'ungry," observed Mr. Jorrocks,
with great politeness to the lady, "after all your
exertions," as the latter stood mopping herself with a
coarse linen handkerchief. " Pray, James, bring your
partner to our 'aniper, and let me offer her some
refreshment," which was one word for the Sunflower
and two for himself, the sea-breeze having made Mr.
Jorrocks what he called " unkimmon peckish." The
hamper was speedily opened, the knuckle of weal, the
half ham, the aitch bone of beef, the Dorking sausages
(made in Drury Lane), the chickens, and some dozen
or two of plover's eggs, were exhibited, while Green,
with disinterested generosity, added his baked pigeon
and cold maccaroni to the common stock. A
vigorous attack was speedily commenced, and was
kept up, with occasional interruptions by Green
running away to dance, until they hove in sight of
Heme Bay, which caused an interruption to a very
interesting lecture on wines, that Mr. Jorrocks was in
the act of delivering, which went to prove that port
and sherry were the parents of all wines, port the
father, and sherry the mother; and that Bluecellas,
Hock, Burgundy, Claret, Teneriff"e, Madeira, were
made by the addition of water, vinegar, and a few
chemical ingredients, and that of all "humbugs,"
pale sherry was the greatest, being neither more nor
ii6 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
less than brown sherry watered. Mr. Jorrocks then
set to work to pack up the leavings in the hamper,
observing, as he proceeded, that wilful waste brought
woeful want, and that " waste not, want not," had ever
been the motto of the Jorrocks family.
It was nearly eight o'clock ere the Royal Adelaide
touched the point of the far-famed Margate jetty, a
fact that was announced as well by the usual bump,
and scuttle to the side to get out first, as by the band
striking up "God save the King," and the mate
demanding the tickets of the passengers. The sun
had just dropped beneath the horizon, and the gas-
lights of the town had been considerately lighted to
show him to bed, for the day was yet in the full vigour
of life and light.
Two or three other cargoes of cockneys having
arrived before, the whole place was in commotion,
and the beach swarmed with spectators as anxious to
watch this last disembarkation as they had been to
see the first. By a salutary regulation of the sages
who watch over the interests of the town, " all manner
of persons " are prohibited from walking upon the
jetty during this ceremony, but the platform of which
it is composed being very low, those who stand on the
beach, outside the rails, are just about on a right level
to shoot their impudence cleverly into the ears of the
new-comers, who are paraded along two lines of
gaping, quizzing, laughing, joking, jeering citizens,
who fire volleys of wit and satire upon them as they
pass. "There's Artie Jemmy Green again!" ex-
claimed a nursery-maid, with two fat, ruddy children
in her arms, " he's a beauty without paint ! " " Holloa,
Jorrocks, my hearty ! lend us your hand ! " cried a
brother member of the Surrey Hunt. Then there
was a pointing of fingers and cries of "That's
Jorrocks ! That's Green ! That's Green I That's
Jorrocks ! " and a murmuring titter, and exclamations
of "There's Simpkins ! how pretty he is!" "But
AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 117
there's Wiggins, who's much nicer." " My eye, what
a cauUflower hat Mrs. Thompson's got ! " " What
a buck young Snooks is ! " " What gummy legs that
girl in green has ! " " Miss Trotter's bustle's on
crooked!" from the young ladies at Miss Trimmer's
seminary, who were drawn up to show the numerical
strength of the academy, and act the part of walking
advertisements. These observations were speedily
drowned by the lusty lungs of a fly-man bellowing out,
as Green passed, " Holloa ! my young brockley-
sprout, are you here again ? — now then for the tizzy ^
you owe me, — I have been waiting here for it ever
since last Monday morning." This salute produced
an irate look and a shake of his cane from Green,
with a mutter of something about " iniperafice" and a
wish that he had his big fighting foreman there to
thrash him. When they got to the gate at the end,
the tide of fashion became obstructed by the kissings
of husbands and wives, the greetings of fathers and
sons, the officiousness of porters, the cries of fly-men,
the importunities of innkeepers, the cards of bathing-
women, the salutations of donkey-drivers, the
programmes of librarians, and the rush and push
of the inquisitive ; and the waters of " comers " and
"stayers" mingled in one common flood of indescrib-
able confusion.
Mr. Jorrocks, who, hamper in hand, had elbowed
his way with persevering resignation, here found
himself so beset with friends all anxious to wring his
digits, that, fearful of losing either his bed or his
friends, he besought Green to step on to the " White
Hart" and see about accommodation. Accordingly
Green ran his fingers through the bushy sides of his
yellow wig, jerked up his gills, and with a neglige air
strutted up to that inn, which, as all frequenters of
Margate know, stands near the landing place, and
commands a fine view of the harbour. Mr. Creed,
^ "Tizzy" — Margate for sixpence.
ii8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the landlord, was airing himself at the door, or as
Shakespeare has it, " taking his ease at his inn,"
and knowing Green of old to be a most unprofitable
customer, he did not trouble to move his position
further than just to draw up one leg so as not wholly
to obstruct the passage, and looked at him as much
as to say, " I prefer your room to your company."
" Quite full here, sir," said he, anticipating Green's
question. "Full, indeed?" replied Jemmy, pulling
up his gills — "that's werry awkward, Mr. Jorrocks
has come down with myself and a friend, and we
want accommodation." " Mr. Jorrocks, indeed ! "
replied Mr. Creed, altering his tone and manner ;
" I'm sure I shall be delighted to receive Mr. Jorrocks
— he's one of the oldest customers I have — and one
of the best— none of your ' glass of water and tooth-
pick ' gentleman— real, downright black-strap man,
likes it hot and strong from the wood — always pays
like a gentleman — never fights about threepences,
like some peo/>/e Il'now," looking at Jemmy. "Pray,
what rooms may you require?" "Vy there's myself,
Mr. Jorrocks, and Mr. Jorrocks's other friend — three
in all, and we shall want three good hairy bedrooms."
" Well, I don't know," replied Mr. Creed, laughing,
"about their /la/riness, but I can rub them with
bear's grease for you." Jemmy pulled up his gills and
was about to reply, when Mr. Jorrocks's appearance
interrupted the dialogue. Mr. Creed advanced to
receive him, blowing up his porters for not having
been down to carry up the hamper, which he took
himself and bore to the coffee-room, amid protesta-
tions of his delight at seeing his worthy visitor.
Having talked over the changes of Margate, of
those that were there, those that were not, and those
that were coming, and adverted to the important
topic of supper, Mr. Jorrocks took out his yellow and
white spotted handkerchief and proceeded to flop his
Hessian boots, while Mr. Creed, with his own hands,
AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 119
rubbed him over with a long billiard-table brush.
Green, too, put himself in form by the aid of the
looking-glass, and these preliminaries being adjusted,
the trio sallied forth arm in arm, Mr. Jorrocks
occupying the centre. It was a fine, balmy summer
evening, the beetles and moths still buzzed and
flickered in the air, and the sea rippled against the
shingly shore, with a low indistinct murmur that
scarcely sounded among the busy hum of men. The
shades of night were drawing on — a slight mist hung
about the hills, and a silvery moon shed a broad
brilliant ray upon the quivering waters " of the dark
blue sea," and an equal light over the wide expanse of
the troubled town. How strange that man should
leave the quiet scenes of nature to mix in myriads of
those they profess to quit cities to avoid ! One turn
to the shore, and the gas-lights of the town drew
back the party like moths to the streets, which were
literally swarming with the population. " Cheapside,
at three o'clock in the afternoon," as Mr. Jorrocks
observed, was never fuller than Margate streets that
evening. All was lighted up — all brilliant and all gay
— care seemed banished from every countenance, and
pretty faces and smart gowns reigned in its stead.
Mr. Jorrocks met with friends and acquaintances at
every turn, most of whom asked "when he came?"
and " when he was going away ? " Having perambu-
lated the streets, the souad of music attracted Jemmy
Green's attention, and our party turned into a long,
crowded, and brilliantly-lighted bazaar, just as the
last notes of a barrel organ at the far end faded away,
and a young woman in a hat and feathers, with a
swan's-down muff and tippet, was handed by a very
smart young man in dirty-white Berlin gloves, and an
equally soiled white waistcoat, into a sort of orchestra
above, where, after the plaudits of the company had
subsided, she struck up —
"If I had a donkey vot vouldn't go."
I20 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
At the conclusion of the song, and before the
company had time to disperse, the same smart young
gentleman, — having rehanded the young lady from
the orchestra and pocketed his gloves, — ran his
fingers through his hair, and announced from that
eminence, that the spirited proprietors of the bazaar
were then going to offer for public competition, in
the enterprising shape of a raffle, in tickets at one
shilling each, a most magnificently genteel, rosewood,
general perfume-box, fitted up with cedar and lined
with red silk velvet, adorned with cut-steel clasps at
the sides, and a solid, massive, silver name-ptate at
the top, with a best patent Bramah lock, and six
chaste and beautifully rich cut-glass bottles, and a
plate-glass mirror at the top — a box so splendidly
perfect, so beautifully uni(}ue, as alike to defy the
powers of praise and the critiques of the envious ;
and thereupon he produced a flashy sort of thing
that might be worth three-and-sixpence, for which he
modestly required ten subscribers, at a shilling each,
adding, "that even with that number the proprietors
would incur a werry heavy loss, for which nothing
but a boundless sense of gratitude for favours past
could possibly recompense them." The youth's
eloquence and the glitter of the box, reflecting, as it
did at every turn, the gas-lights both in its steel and
glass, had the desired effect — shillings went down,
and tickets went off rapidly, until only three remained.
" Four, five, and ten, are the only numbers now
remaining," observed the youth, running his eye up
the list and wetting his pencil in his mouth. " Four,
five, and ten ! ten, four, five ! five, four, ten ! are the
only numbers now vacant for this werry genteel and
magnificent rosewood perfume-box, lined with red
velvet, cut-steel clasps, a silver plate for the name,
best patent Bramah lock, and six beautiful rich cut-
glass bottles, with a plate-glass mirror in the lid — and
only four, five, and ten now vacant ! " " I'll take ten,"
AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 121
said Green, laying down a shilling. "Thank you,
sir — only four and five now wanting, ladies and
gentlemen — pray be in time — pray be in time ! This
is without exception the most brilliant prize ever
offered for public competition. There were only two
of these werry elegant boxes made, — the unfortunate
mechanic who executed them being carried off by
that terrible malady the cholera morbus, — and the
other is now in the possession of his most Christian
Majesty the King of the French. Only four and five
wanting to commence throwing for this really perfect
specimen of human ingenuity — only four and five ? "
" I'll take them," cried Green, throwing down two
shillings more — and then the table was cleared — the
dice box produced, and the crowd drew round.
"Number one! — who holds number one?" inquired
the keeper, arranging the paper, and sucking the end
of his pencil. A young gentleman in a blue jacket
and white trousers owned the lot, and accordingly led
off" the game. The lottery-keeper handed the box,
and put in the dice — rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle,
rattle, plop, and lift up — "seven and four are eleven"
— "how again, if you please, sir," putting. the dice
into the box — rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle,
plop, and lift up — a loud laugh — "one and two make
three" — the youth bit his lips; — rattle, rattle, rattle,
rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop — a pause — and lift up
— "threes!" — "six, three, and eleven are twenty."
" Now who holds number two ? — what lady or
gentleman holds number two ? Pray step forward ! "
The Sunflower drew near — Green looked confused —
she fixed her eye upon him, half in fear, half in
entreaty — would he offer to throw for her? No, by
Jove, Green was not so green as all that came to,
and he let her shake herself. She threw tw-enty-two,
thereby putting an extinguisher on the boy, and
raising Jemmy's chance considerably. "Three" was
held by a youngster in nankeen petticoats, who would
122 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
throw for himself, and shook the box violently enough
to be heard at Broadstairs. He scored nineteen, and,
beginning to cry immediately, was taken home.
Green was next, and all eyes were turned upon him,
for he was a noted hand. He advanced to the table
with great sangfroid, and turning back the wrists of
his coat, exhibited his beautiful sparkling paste
shirt buttons, and the elegant turn of his taper hand,
the middle finger of which was covered with massive
rings. He took the box in a neglige manner, and
without condescending to shake it, slid the dice out
upon the table by a gentle side-way motion — " sixes ! "
cried all, and down the marker put twelve. At the
second throw he adopted another mode. As soon as
the dice were in, he just chucked them up in the air
like as many half-pence, and down they came five
and six — "eleven," said the marker. With a look of
triumph Green held the box for the third time, which
he just turned upside down, and lo, on uncovering,
there stood two — " ones ! " A loud laugh burst
forth, and Green looked confused. "I'm so glad/"
whispered a young lady, who had made an unsuccess-
ful "set" at Jemmy the previous season, in a tone
loud enough for him to hear. "I hope he'll lose,"
rejoined a female friend rather louder. " That
Jemmy Green is my absolute abhorrence" observed a
third. "'Orrible man, with his nasty vig," observed
the mamma of the first speaker, "shouldn't have my
darter not at no price." Green, however, headed the
poll, having beat the Sunflower, and had still two lots
in reserve. For number five he threw twenty-five,
and was immediately outstripped, amid much laughter
and clapping of hands from the ladies, by number
six, who in his turn fell a prey to number seven.
Between eight and nine there was a very interesting
contest who should be lowest, and hopes and fears
were at their altitude when Jemmy Green again
turned back his coat-wrist to throw for number ten.
AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 123
His confidence had forsaken him a Httle, as indicated
by a slight quivering of the under-lip, but he managed
to conceal it from all except the ladies, who kept too
scrutinizing an eye upon him. His first throw
brought sixes, which raised his spirits amazingly ; but
on their appearance a second time he could scarcely
contain himself, backed as he was by the plaudits
of his friend Mr. Jorrocks. Then came the
deciding throw — every eye was fixed on Jemmy, he
shook the box, turned it down, and lo, there came
seven.
" Mr. James Green is the fortunate winner of this
magnificent prize ! " exclaimed the youth, holding up
the box in mid-air, and thereupon all the ladies
crowded round Green, some to congratulate him,
others to compliment him on his looks, while one or
two of the least knowing tried to coax him out of his
box. Jemmy, however, was too old a stager, and
pocketed the box and other compliments at the same
time.
Another grind of the organ, and another song
followed from the same young lady, during which
operation Green sent for the manager, and, after a
little beating about the bush, proposed singing a song
or two if he would give him lottery-tickets gratis.
He asked three shilling tickets for each song, and
finally closed for five tickets for two songs, on the
understanding that he was to be announced as a
distinguished amateur, who had come forward by-
most particular desire.
Accordingly the manager — a roundabout, red-faced,
consequential little cockney — mounted the rostrum,
and begged to announce to the company that that
"celebrated wocalist, Mr. James Green, so well
known as a distinguished amateur and conwivialist,.
both at Bagnigge Wells, and Vite Conduit House,
London, had werry kindly consented, in order to
promote the hilarity of the evening, to favour the
124 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
company with a song immediately after the drawing
of the next lottery," and after a few high - flown
compliments, which elicited a laugh from those who
were up to Jemmy's mode of doing business,
he concluded by offering a "papier-mache" tea-
caddy for public competition, in shilling lots as
before.
As soon as the drawing was over, they gave the
organ a grind, and Jemmy popped up with a hop,
skip, and a jump, with his woolly white hat under his
arm, and presented himself with a scrape and a bow
to the company. After a few preparatory " hems and
haws," he pulled up his gills and spoke as follows :
"Ladies and gentlemen! hem" — another pull at his
gills — "ladies and gentlemen — my walued friend,
Mr. Kitey Graves, has announced that I will entertain
the company with a song ; though nothing, I assure
you — hem — could be farther from my idea — hem
— when my excellent friend asked me," — "Hookey
Walker ! " exclaimed someone who had heard
Jemmy declare the same thing half a dozen times
— "and, indeed, ladies and gentlemen — hem —
nothing but the werry great regard I have for Mr.
Kitey Graves, who I have known and loved ever since
he was the height of sixpenn'orth of copper " ; a loud
laugh followed this allusion, seeing that eighteen penny-
worth would almost measure out the speaker. On
giving another " hem," and again pulling up his gills,
an old Kentish farmer, in a brown coat, and mahogany-
coloured tops, holloaed out, " I say, sir ! I'm afear'd
you'll be catching cold ! " "I 'opes not," replied
Jemmy in a fluster, "is it raining? I've no umbrella,
and my werry best coat on ! " " No ! raining no ! "
replied the farmer, "only you've pulled at your shirt
so long that I think your behind must be bare ! Haw !
how ! haw ! " at which all the males roared with laughter,
and the females hid their faces in their handkerchiefs,
and tittered and giggled, and tried to be shocked.
AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 125
" Order ! order ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks, in a loud
and sonorous voice, which had the effect of quelling
the riot and drawing all eyes upon himself. " Ladies
and gentlemen," said he, taking off his cap with great
gravity, and extending his right arm —
" Immodest words admit of no defence,
P'or want of decency is want of sense" ;
a couplet so apropos, and so well delivered, as to have
the immediate effect of restoring order, and making
the farmer look foolish. Encouraged by the voice of
his great patron, Green once more essayed to finish
his speech, which he did by a fresh assurance of the
surprise by which he had been taken by the request
of his friend, Kitey Graves, and an exhortation for the
company to make allowance for any deficiency of
" woice," inasmuch as he was labouring under " a
wiolent 'orseness," for which he had long been taking
pectoral lozenges. He then gave his gills another
pull, felt if they were even, and struck up —
"Bid me discourse,"
in notes, compared to which the screaming of a
peacock would be perfect melody. Mr. Jorrocks
having taken a conspicuous position, applauded
long, loudly, and warmly, at every pause — approbation
the more deserved and disinterested, inasmuch as the
worthy gentleman suffers considerably from music and
only knows two tunes, one of which, he says, "/V God
save the King, and the other isiitr
Having seen his protege fairly under way, Mr.
Jorrocks gave him a hint t.iat he would return to the
White Hart, and have supper ready by the time he
was done; accordingly the Yorkshireman and he
withdrew along an avenue politely formed by the
separation of the company, who applauded as they
passed.
An imperial quart and a half of Mr. Creed's stoutest
126 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
draught port, with the orthodox proportion of lemon,
cloves, sugar, and cinnamon, had almost boiled itself
to perfection under the skilful superintendence of Mr.
Jorrocks, on the coffee-room fire, and a table had
been handsomely decorated with shrimps, lobsters,
broiled bones, fried ham, poached eggs, when just as
the clock had finished striking eleven, the coffee-
room door opened with a rush, and in tripped Jemmy
Green, with his hands crammed full of packages, and
his trousers' pockets sticking out like a Dutch burgo-
master's. "Veil, I've done 'em brown to-night, I
think," said he, depositing his hat and half a dozen
packages on the sideboard, and running his fingers
through his curls to make them stand up. " I've
won nine lotteries, and left one undrawn when I came
away, because it did not seem likely to fill. Let me
see," said he, emptying his pockets, — "there is the
beautiful rosewood box that I won, ven you was
there ; the next was a set of crimping-irons, vich I
von also ; the third was a jockey vip, which I did not
vant, and only stood one ticket for and lost ; the
fourth was this elegant box, with a view of Margate
on the lid ; then came these six sherry labels with
silver rims ; a snuff-box wnth an inwisible mouse ; a
coral rattle with silver bells ; a silk yard-measure in
a walnut shell ; a couple of West India beetles ; a
humming-bird in a glass case, which I lost ; and then
these dozen bodkins with silver eyes — so that altogether
I have made a pretty good night's work of it. Kitey
Graves wasn't in great force, so after I had sung ' Bid
me discourse,' and * I'd be a butterfly,' I cut my stick,
and went to the hopposition shop, where they used
me much more genteelly ; giving me three tickets for
a song, and introducing me in more flattering terms
to the company — I don't like being considered one
of the nasty ' reglars,' and they should make a point
of explaining that one isn't. Besides, what business
had Kitey to say anything about Bagnigge Veils?
AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 127
a hass ! — Now, perhaps, you'll favour me with some
supper?"
"Certainly," replied Mr. Jorrocks, patting Jemmy
approvingly on the head — "you deserve some. It's
only no song, no supper, and you've been singing like
a nightingale " ; thereupon they set-to with vigorous
determination.
A bright Sunday dawned, and the beach at an
early hour was crowded with men in dressing-gowns
of every shape, hue, and material, with buff slippers
— the "regulation Margate shoeing," both for men
and women. As the hour of eleven approached, and
the church bells began to ring, the town seemed to
awaken suddenly from a trance, and bonnets the
most superb, and dresses the most extravagant,
poured forth from lodgings the most miserable.
Having shaved and dressed himself with more than
ordinary care and attention, Mr. Jorrocks walked his
friends off to church, assuring them that no one need
hope to prosper throughout the week who did not
attend it on the Sunday, and he marked his own
devotion throughout the service by drowning the
clerk's voice with his responses. After this spiritual
ablution, Mr, Jorrocks bethought himself of having a
bodily one in the sea ; and the day being excessively
hot, and the tide about the proper mark, he pocketed
a couple of towels out of his bedroom and went away
to bathe, leaving Green and the Yorkshireman to
amuse themselves at the White Hart.
This house, as we have already stated, faces the
harbour, and is a corner one, running a considerable
way up the next street, with a side door communicat-
ing, as well as the front one, with the coffee-room.
This room differs from the generality of coffee-rooms,
inasmuch as the windows range the whole length of
the room, and, being very low, they aiford every
facility for the children and passers-by to inspect
the interior. Whether this is done to show the
128 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Turkey carpet, the pea-green cornices, the bright
mahogany slips of tables, the gay trellised geranium-
papered room, or the aristocratic visitors who frequent
it, is immaterial — the description is as accurate as if
George Robins had drawn it himself. In this room,
then, as the Yorkshireman and Green were lying
dozing on three chairs apiece, each having fallen
asleep to avoid the trouble of talking to the other,
they were suddenly roused by loud yells and hootings
at the side door, and the bursting into the coffee-room
of what at first brush they thought must be a bull.
The Yorkshireman jumped up, rubbed his eyes, and
lo ! before him stood Mr. Jorrocks, pufifing like a
stranded grampus, with a bunch of seaweed under
his arm and the dress in which he had started, with
the exception of the dark blue stocking-net pantaloons,
the place of which was supplied by a flowing white
linen kilt, commonly called a shirt, in the four corners
of which were knotted a few small pebbles — producing,
with the Hessian boots and one thing and another,
the most laughable figure imaginable. The blood
of the Jorrockses was up, however, and, throwing
his hands in the air, he thus delivered himself;
" O gentlemen ! gentlemen ! — here's a lamentable
occurrence — a terrible disaster — oh dear ! oh dear ! —
I never thought I should come to this. You know,
James Green," appealing to Jemmy, "that I never
was the man to raise a blush on the cheek of
modesty ; I have always said that ' want of decency
is want of sense,' and see how I am rewarded ! Oh
dear ! oh dear ! that I should ever have trusted my
pantaloons out of my sight." While all this, which
was the work of a moment, was going forward, the
mob, which had been shut out at the side door on
Jorrocks's entry, had got round to the coffee-room
window, and were all wedging their faces in to have a
sight of him. It was principally composed of children,
who kept up the most discordant yells, mingled with
AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 129
shouts of, " There's old cutty shirt ! " — *' who's got
your breeches, old cock?" — "make a scramble!" —
"turn him out for another hunt ! " — "turn him again ! "
until, fearing for the respectability of his house, the
landlord persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to retire into the
bar to state his grievances. It then appeared that
having travelled along the coast, as far as the first
preventive station-house on the Ramsgate side of
Margate, the grocer had thought it a convenient
place for performing his intended ablutions, and
accordingly proceeded to do what all people of either
sex agree upon in such cases — namely, to divest
himself of his garments ; but before he completed
the ceremony, observing some females on the cliffs
above, and not being (as he said) a man " to raise a
blush on the cheek of modesty," he advanced to the
water's edge in his aforesaid unmentionables, and
forgetting that it was not yet high tide, he left them
there, when they were speedily covered, and the
pockets being full of silver and copper, of course
they were "swamped." After dabbling about in
the water and amusing himself with picking up
seaweed for about ten minutes, Mr. Jorrocks was
horrified, on returning to the spot where he thought
he had left his stocking-net pantaloons, to find that
they had disappeared ; and, after a long and fruitless
search, the unfortunate gentleman was compelled to
abandon the pursuit, and render himself an object of
chase to all the little boys and girls who chose to
follow him into Margate on his return without them.
Jorrocks, as might be expected, was very bad about
his loss, and could not get over it — it stuck in his
gizzard, he said — and there it seemed likely to remain.
In vain Mr. Creed offered him a pair of trousers — he
never had worn a pair. In vain he asked for the
loan of a pair of white cords and top-boots, or even
drab shorts and continuations. Mr. Creed was no
sportsman, and did not keep any. The bellman
9
I30 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
could not cry the lost unmentionables because it was
Sunday, and even if they should be found on the
ebbing of the tide, they would take no end of time to
dry. Mr. Jorrocks declared his pleasure at an end,
and forthwith began making inquiries as to the best
mode of getting home. The coaches were all gone,
steam-boats there were none, save for every place
but London, and posting, he said, was "cruelly
expensive." In the midst of his dilemma, " Boots,"
who is always the most intelligent man about an inn,
popped in his curly head, and informed Mr. Jorrocks
that the Unity hoy, a most commodious vessel, neat,
trim, and watertight, manned by his own maternal
uncle, was going to cut away to London at three
o'clock, and would land him before he could say
"Jack Robinson." Mr. Jorrocks jumped at the
offer, and forthwith attiring himself in a pair of Mr.
Creed's loose inexpressibles, over which he drew his
Hessian boots, he tucked the hamper containing the
knuckle of veal and other etceteras under one arm,
and the bunch of seaweed he had been busy col-
lecting, instead of watching his clothes, under the
other, and, followed by his friends, made direct for
the vessel.
Everybody knows, or ought to know, what a hoy
is — it is a large sailing boat, sometimes with one
deck, sometimes with none ; and the Unity, trading
in bulky goods, was of the latter description, though
there was a sort of dog-hole at the stern, which the
master dignified by the name of a " state cabin," into
which he purposed putting Mr. Jorrocks, if the
weather should turn cold before they arrived. The
wind, however, he said, was so favourable, and his
cargo — " timber and fruit," as he described it, that is
to say, broom-sticks and potatoes — so light, that he
warranted landing him at Blackwall at least by ten
o'clock, where he could either sleep, or get a short
stage or an omnibus on to Leadenhall Street. The
AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 131
vessel looked anything but tempting, neither was the
captain's appearance prepossessing, still Mr. Jorrocks,
all things considered, thought he would chance it ;
and depositing his hamper and seaweed, and giving
special instructions about having his pantaloons cried
in the morning — recounting that, besides the silver
and eighteenpence in copper, there was a steel
pencil-case with J. J. on the seal at the top, an
anonymous letter, and two keys — he took an affec-
tionate leave of his friends, stepped on board, the
vessel was shoved off and stood out to sea.
Monday morning drew the cockneys from their
roosts betimes, to take their farewell splash and dive
in the sea. As the day advanced the bustle and
confusion on the shore and in the town increased,
and everyone seemed on the move. The ladies paid
their last visits to the bazaars and shell shops, and
children extracted the last ounce of exertion from the
exhausted leg-weary donkeys. Meanwhile the lords
of the creation strutted about, some in dressing-gowns,
others, "full puff," with bags and boxes under their
arms — while sturdy 'porters were wheeling barrows full
of luggage to the jetty. The bellman went round
dressed in a blue and red cloak, with a gold hat-
band. Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong,
went the bell, and the gaping cockneys congregated
around. He commenced — " To be so/z-ld in the
market-place a quantity of fresh ling." Ring-a-ding,
ring-a-ding, dong: "The Royal Ada.laide, fast and
splendid steam-packet, Capt. Whittingham, will leave
the pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and
land the passengers at London Bridge Steam-packet
Wharf — fore-cabin fares and children four shillings —
saloon five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong :
" The superb and splendid steam-packet, the Magnet,
will leave the pier this morning at nine o'clock
precisely, and land the passengers at the St. Catherine
Docks — fore-cabin fares and children four shillings—
132 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
saloon five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong :
" Lost at the back of James Street — a lady's black
silk — black lace wale — whoever has found the same,
and will bring it to the crier, shall receive one
shilling reward." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong:
"Lost, last night, between the jetty and the York
Hotel, a little boy, as answers to the name of Spot,
whoever has found the same, and will bring him
to the crier, shall receive a reward of half a crown."
Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong : " Lost, stolen, or
strayed, or otherwise conveyed, a brown and white
King Charles's setter, as answers to the name of
Jacob Jones. Whoever has found the same, or will
give such information as shall lead to the detection
and conversion of the offender or offenders, shall be
handsomely rewarded." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding,
dong : " Lost, below the prewentive-service station,
by a gentleman of great respectability— a pair of
blue-knit pantaloons, containing eighteen pennyworth
of copper — a steel pencil-case — a werry anonymous
letter, and two keys. Whoever will bring the same
to the crier shall receive a reward. — God save the
King!"
Then, as the hour of nine approached, what a
concourse appeared ! There were fat and lean, and
short and tall, and middling, going away, and fat and
lean, and short and tall, and middling, waiting to see
them off; Green, as usual, making himself con-
spicuous, and canvassing everyone he could lay hold
of for the Magnet steamer. At the end of the jetty,
on each side, lay the Royal Adelaide and the Magnet,
with as fierce a contest for patronage as ever was
witnessed. Both decks were crowded with anxious
faces — for the Monday's steamboat race is as great
an event as a Derby, and a cockney would as Ueve
lay on an outside horse as patronize a boat that was
likely to let another pass her. Nay, so high is the
enthusiasm carried, that books are regularly made on
AQUATICS : AT MARGATE 133
the occasion, and there is as much clamour for bets
as in the ring at Epsom or Newmarket. " Tonikins,
I'll lay you a dinner — for three — Royal Adelaide
against the Magnet^'' bawled Jenkins from the former
boat. " Done," cries Tomkins. " The Magnet for
a bottle of port," bawled out another. " A white-bait
dinner for two, the Magnet reaches Greenwich first."
" What should you know about the Magnet ? "
inquires the mate of the Royal Adelaide. " Vy, I
think I should know something about nauticals too,
for Lord St. Wincent was my godfather." " I'll bet
five shillings on the Royal Adelaide." " I'll take
you," says another. " I'll bet a bottom of brandy on
the Magnet" roars out the mate. " Two goes of
Hollands, the Magnefs off Heme Bay before the
Royal Adelaide." " I'll lay a pair of crimping-irons
against five shillings, the Magnet beats the Royal
Adelaide" bellowed out Green, who, having come on
board had mounted the paddle-box. " I say. Green,
I'll lay you an even five if you like." " Well, five
pounds," cries Green. "No, shillings," says his
friend. " Never bet shillings," replies Green, pulling
up his shirt collar. " I'll bet fifty pounds," he adds,
getting valiant. "I'll bet a hundred pounds — a
thousand pounds- — a million pounds — half the
national debt, if you like."
Precisely as the jetty-clock finishes striking nine,
the ropes are slipped, and the rival steamers stand
out to sea with beautiful precision, amid the crying,
the kissing of hands, the raising of hats, the waving
of handkerchiefs, from those who are left for the
week, while the passengers are cheered by adverse
tunes from the respective bands on board. The
Magnet, having the outside, gets the breeze first
hand, but the Royal Adelaide keeps well alongside,
and both firemen being deeply interested in the
event, they boil up a tremendous gallop, without
either being able to claim the slightest advantage
134 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
for upwards of an hour and a half, when the Royal
Adelaide manages to shoot ahead for a few minutes,
amid the cheers and exclamations of her crew. The
Magnet's fireman, however, is on the alert, and a
few extra pokes of the fire presently bring the boats
together again, in which state they continue, nose
and nose, until the stiller water of the side of the
Thames favours the Magnet, and she shoots ahead
amid the cheers and vociferations of her party, and
is not neared again during the voyage.
This excitement over, the respective crews sink
into a sort of melancholy sedateness, and Green in
vain endeavours to kick up a quadrille. The men
were exhausted, and the women dispirited, and
altogether they were a very different set of beings to
what they were on the Saturday. Dull faces and
dirty-white ducks were the order of the day.
The only incident of the voyage was that, on
approaching the mouth of the Medway, the Royal
Adelaide was hailed by a vessel, and the Yorkshire-
man, on looking overboard, was shocked to behold
Mr. Jorrocks sitting in the stern of his hoy in the
identical position he had taken up the previous day,
with his bunch of seaweed under his elbow, and the
remains of the knuckle of veal, ham, and chickens
spread on the hamper before him. " Stop her ! "
cried the Yorkshireman ; and then hailing Mr.
Jorrocks, he holloaed out, " In the name of the
prophet. Figs, what arc you doing there ? " " O
gentleman ! gentleman ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks,
brightening up as he recognized the boat, "take
compassion on a most misfortunate individual — here
have I been in this 'orrid 'oy ever since three o'clock
yesterday afternoon, and here I seem likely to end
my days, — for blow me tight if I couldn't swim as
fast as it goes." " Look sharp, then," cried the mate
of the steamer, and chuck us up your luggage." Up
went the seaweed, the hamper, and Mr. Jorrocks;
AQUATICS: AT MARGATE 135
and before the hoyman awoke out of a nap, into
which he had composed himself on resigning the
rudder to his lad, our worthy citizen was steaming
away a mile before his vessel, bilking him of his
fare.
Who does not recognize in this last disaster, the
truth of the old adage ? —
"Most haste, least speed."
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH
" TORROCKS'S France, in three volumes, would
J sound werry well," observed our worthy citizen
one afternoon to his confidential companion the York-
shire man, as they sat in the verandah in Coram Street,
eating red currants and sipping cold whiskey-punch ;
"and I thinks I could make something of it. They
tells me that at the ' West End ' the booksellers will
give forty pounds ^ for anything that will run into three
wolumes, and one might soon pick up as much matter
as would stretch into that quantity."
The above observation was introduced in a long
conversation between Mr. Jorrocks and his friend,
relative to an indignity that had been offered him by
the rejection by the Editor of a sporting periodical of
a long treatise on Eels, which, independently of the
singularity of diction, had become so attenuated in
the handling, as to have every appearance of filling
three whole numbers of the work ; and Mr. Jorrocks
had determined to avenge the insult by turning author
on his own account. The Yorkshireman, ever ready
for amusement, cordially supported Mr. Jorrocks
in his views, and a bargain was soon struck between
them, the main stipulations of which were that Mr.
Jorrocks should find cash, and the Yorkshireman
should procure information.
Accordingly, on the Saturday after, the nine o'clock
Dover heavy drew up at the Bricklayers' Arms with
' It is a fact that such an impression prevails among many of
the non-wuling portion of the population, and wiser men than
Mr. Jorrocks have run away with the notion.
136
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 137
Mr. Jorrocks on the box seat, and the Yorkshire-man
imbedded among the usual heterogeneous assembly —
soldiers, sailors, Frenchmen, fishermen, ladies' maids,
and footmen — that compose the cargo of these
coaches. Here they were assailed with the usual
persecution from the tribe of Israel, in the shape of
a hundred merchants, proclaiming the virtues of their
wares ; one with black-lead pencils, twelve a shilling,
with an invitation to " cut 'em and try 'em " ; another
with a good pocket-knife, " twelve blades and a saw,
sir " ; a third with a tame squirrel and a piping bull-
finch that could whistle " God save the King " and
"The White Cockade" — to be given for an old coat.
" Buy a silver guard chain for your vatch, sir ! " cried
a dark-eyed urchin, mounting the fore-wheel, and
holding a bunch of them in Mr. Jorrocks's face ; " Buy
pocket-book, memorandum book ! " whined another.
" Keepsake — Forget-me-not — all the last year's annuals
at half-price ! " " Sponge cheap, sponge ! take a piece,
sir, — take a piece." " Patent leather straps." " Bar-
celona nuts. Slippers. Morning Hurl (^Herald).
Rhubarb. 'Andsome dog-collar, sir, cheap ! — do to
fasten your wife up with ! "
"Stand clear, ye warmints ! " cries the coachman,
elbowing his way among them — and, remounting
the box, he takes the whip and reins out of Mr.
Jorrocks's hands, cries, " All right behind ? sit tight ! "
and off they go.
The day was fine, and the hearts of all seemed
light and gay. The coach, though slow, was clean
and smart, the harness bright and well-polished, while
the sleek brown horses poked their heads about at
ease, without the torture of the bearing-rein. The
coachman, like his vehicle, was heavy, and had he
been set on all fours, a party of six might have eat off
his back. Thus they proceeded at a good steady
substantial sort of pace ; trotting on level ground,
walking up hills and dragging down inclines. Nor
138 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
among the whole party was there a murmur of dis-
content at the pace. Most of the passengers seemed
careless which way they went, so long as they did but
move, and they rolled through the garden of England ^
with the most stoical indifference. We know not
whether it has ever struck the reader, but the travellers
by Dover coaches are less captious about pace than
those on most others.
And now let us fancy our friends up and down
Shooter's Hill, through Dartford, Northfleet, and
Gravesend — at which latter place, the first foreign
symptom appears, in the words " Poste aux Chevaux,"
on the door-post of the inn ; and let us imagine
them bowling down Rochester Hill at a somewhat
amended pace, with the old castle, by the river
Medway, the town of Chatham, Stroud, and Rochester
full before them, and the finely-wooded country
extending round in pleasing variety of hill and dale.
As they reach the foot of the hill, the guard commences
a solo on his bugle, to give notice to the innkeeper
to have the coach dinner on the table, all huddled
together, inside and out, long passengers and short
ones, they cut across the bridge, rattle along the
narrow street, sparking the mud from the newly-
watered streets on the shop windows and passengers
on each side, and pull up at the Pig and Cross-bow,
with a jerk and a dash as though they had been
travelling at the rate of twelve miles an hour. Two
other coaches are " dining," while some few passengers,
whose "hour is not yet come," sit patiently on the
roof, or pace up and down the street with short and
hurried turns, anxious to see the horses brought out
that are to forward them on their journey. And what
a commotion this new arrival creates ! From the
arched doorway of the inn issue two chamber-maids,
' Kent has long been honoured with this title — -why, wc are at
a loss to discover, unless it be the " kitchen garden " for supplying
London with vegetables, etc.
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 139
one in curls, the other in a cap ; boots, with both
curls and a cap, and a ladder in his hand ; a knock-
kneed waiter, with a dirty duster, to count noses ;
while the neat landlady, in a spruce black silk gown
and clean white apron, stands smirking, smiling, and
rubbing her hands down her sides, inveigling the
passengers into the house, where she will turn them
over to the waiters to take their chance the instant
she gets them in. About the door the usual idlers
are assembled. A coachman out of place, a beggar
out at the elbows, a sergeant in uniform, and three
recruits with ribbons in their hats ; a captain with
his boots cut for corns, the coachman that is to
drive to Dover, a youth in a straw hat and a rowing
shirt, the little inquisitive old man of the place — who
sees all the mid-day coaches change horses, speculates
on the passengers, and sees who the parcels are for —
and though last not least, Mr. Bangup, the " varmint "
man, the height of whose ambition is to be taken
for a coachman. As the coach pulled up he was
in the bar taking a glass of cold sherry "without"
and a cigar, which latter he brings out lighted in
his mouth, with his shaved white hat stuck knowingly
on one side, and the thumbs of his brown hands
thrust into the armholes of his waistcoat, throwing
back his single-breasted fancy-buttoned green coat,
and showing a cream-coloured cravat, fastened with
a gold coach-and-four pin, which, with a buff waist-
coat and tight drab trousers buttoning over the boot,
complete his " toggery " as he would call it. His
whiskers are large and riotous in the extreme, while
his hair is clipped as close as a charity-school boy's.
The coachman and he are on the best of terms, as
the outward twist of their elbows and jerks of the
head on meeting testify. His conversation is short
and slangy, accompanied with the correct nasal
twang. After standing and blowing a few puffs,
during which time the passengers have all alighted,
I40 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
and the coachman has got through the thick of his
business, he takes the cigar out of his mouth, and,
spitting on the flags, addresses his friend with, " Y've
got the old near-side leader back from Joe, I see."
"Yes, Mr. Bangup, yes," replies his friend, "but
I had some work first — our gov'rnor was all for the
change — at last, says I to our 'oss-keeper, says I, it
ar'n't no use your harnessing that 'ere roan for me
any more, for as how I von't drive him, so it's not
to no use harnessing of him, for I von't be gammon'd
out of my team not by none on them, therefore it
ar'n't to never no use harnessing of him again for
me." " So you did 'em," observes Mr. Bangup.
" Lord bless ye, yes ! it warn't to no use aggravizing
about it, for, says I, I von't stand it, so it warn't to
no manner of use harnessing of him again for me."
"Come, Smith, what are you chaffing there about?"
inquires the landlord, coming out with the wide-spread
way-bill in his hands, "have you two insides?"
" No, gov'rnor, I has but von, and that's precious
empty, haw ! haw ! haw ! " " Well, but now get Brown
to blow his horn early, and you help to hurry the
passengers away from my grub, and maybe I'll give
you your dinner for your trouble," replies the land-
lord, reckoning he would save both his meat and
his horses by the experiment. " Ay, there goes the
dinner!" added he, just as Mr. Jorrocks's voice was
heard inside the Pig and Cross-bow, giving a most
tremendous roar for his food. " Pork at the top,
and pork at the bottom," the host observes to
the waiter in passing, "and mind, put the joints
before the women — they are slow carvers."
While the foregoing scene was enacting outside,
our travellers had been driven through the passage
into a little dark dingy room at the back of the
house, with a dirty, rain-bespattered window, looking
against a white-washed, blank wall. The table, which
was covered with a thrice-used cloth, was set out
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 141
with lumps of bread, knives, and two and three-
pronged forks laid alternately. Altogether it was
anything but inviting, but coach passengers are very
complacent ; and on the Dover road it matters little
if they are not. The bustle of preparation was
soon over. Coats No. i, No. 2, and No. 3 are taken
off in succession, for some people wear top-coats to
keep out the "heat"; chins are released from their
silken jeopardy, hats are hid in corners, and fur caps
thrust into the pockets of the owners. Inside
passengers eye outside ones with suspicion, while a
deaf gentleman, who has left his trumpet in the coach,
meets an acquaintance whom he has not seen for
seven years, and can only shake hands and grin to
the movements of the Hps of the speaker. " You
find it very warm inside, I should think, sir?"
"Thank ye, thank ye, my good friend; I'm rayther
deaf, but I presume you're inquiring after my wife and
daughters — they are very well, I thank ye." " Where
will you sit at dinner ? " rejoins the first speaker, in
hopes of a more successful hit. " It is two years
since I saw him." " No ; where will you sit, sir ?
I said." " Oh, John ? I beg your pardon — I'm
rayther deaf — he's in Jamaica with his regiment."
" Come, waiter, bring dinner ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks,
at the top of his voice, being the identical shout
that was heard outside ; and presently the two dishes
of pork, a couple of ducks, and a lump of half-raw,
sadly-mangled, cold roast beef, with waxy potatoes
and overgrown cabbages, were scattered along the
table. " What a beastly dinner ! " exclaims an
inside dandy, in a sable-collared frock—" the whole
place reeks with onions and vulgarity. Waiter, bring
me a silver fork ! " " Allow me to dt/ck you, ma'am ? "
inquires an outside passenger, in a facetious tone, of
a female in a green silk cloak, as he turns the duck
over in the dish. "Thank you, sir, but I've some
pork coming." "Will you take some of this thingum-
142 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
bob?" turning a questionable-looking pig's counten-
ance over in its pewter bed. " You are in consider-
able danger, my friend — you are in considerable
danger," drawls forth the superfine insider to an
outsider opposite. "How's that?" inquires the
former in alarm. " Why, you are eating with your
knife, and you are in considerable danger of cutting
your mouth." — What is the matter at the far end of
the table? — a lady in russet brown, with a black
velvet bonnet and a feather, in convulsions. She's
choking, by Jove ! hit her on the back — gently,
gently, — she's swallowed a fish-bone. " I'll lay five
to two she dies," cried Mr. Bolus, the sporting
doctor of Sittingbourne. She coughs — up comes
a couple of tooth-picks, she having drunk off a green
glass of them in mistake.
" Now hark'e, waiter ! there's the guard blowing
his horn, and we have scarcely had a bite apiece,"
cries Mr. Jorrocks, as that functionary sounded his
instrument most energetically in the passage ; " blow
me tight, if I stir before the half-hour's up, so he
may blow till he's black in the face." "Take some
cheese, sir?" inquires the waiter. '■'■No, surely not,
some more pork and then some tarts." "Sorry, sir,
we have no tarts we can recommend. Cheese is
partiklar good." [Enter coachman, peeled down to
a more moderate-sized man.]
" Leaves ye here, if you please, sur." " With all
my heart, my good friend." "Please to remember
the coachman — driv ye thirty miles." "Yes, but
you'll recollect how saucy you were about my wife's
bonnet-box — there's sixpence between us for you."
" Oh, sur ! I'm sure I didn't mean no unpurliteness.
I 'opes you'll forget it; it was very aggravizing,
certainly, but driv ye thirty miles. 'Opes you'll
give a trifle more, thirty miles." "No, no, no more;
so be off." "Please to remember the coachman,
ma'am, thirty miles ! " " Leaves ye here, sur, if you
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 143
please ; goes no farther, sur ; thirty miles, ma'am ;
all the vay from Lunnun, sur."
A loud flourish on the bugle caused the remainder
of the gathering to be made in dumb show, and
having exhausted his wind the guard squeezed
through the door, and with an extremely red face,
assured the company that "time was h'up" and the
"coach quite ready." Then out came the purses,
brown, green, and blue, with the usual inquiry —
"What's dinner, waiter?" " Two-and-six, dinner
beer, three — two-and-nine yours," replied the knock-
kneed caitiff to the first inquirer, pushing a blue-
and-white plate under his nose; "yours is three-and-
six, ma'am ; — two glasses of brandy-and-water, four
shillings, if you please, sir — a bottle of real Devonshire
cider." — "You must change me a sovereign," handing
one out "Certainly, sir," upon which the waiter,
giving it a loud ring upon the table, ran out of the
room. " Now, gentlemen and ladies ; pray^ come,
time's h'up — carn't wait — must go " — roars the guard,
as the passengers shuffle themselves into their coats,
cloaks, and cravats, and Joe " Boots " runs up the
passage with the ladder for the lady. "Now, my
dear Mrs. Sprat, good-bye — God bless you, and
remember me most kindly to your husband and dear
Httle ones — and pray, write soon," says an elderly
lady, as she hugs and kisses a youngish one at the
door, who has been staying with her for a week, during
which time they have quarrelled regularly every night.
"Have you all your things, dearest? three boxes, five
parcels, an umbrella, a parasol, the cage for Tommy's
canary, and the bundle in the red silk handkerchief —
then good-bye, my beloved, step up — and now, Mr.
Guard, you know where to set her down." " Good-
bye, dearest Mrs. Jackson, all right, thank you,"
replies Mrs. Sprat, stepping up the ladder, and
adjusting herself in the gammon board opposite the
guard, the seat the last comer generally gets — "But
144 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
stay ! I've forgot my reticule — it's on the drawers
in the bedroom — stop, coachman! I say guard!"
" Carnt wait, ma'am — time's hup," — and just at this
moment a two-horse coach is heard steahng up the
street, upon which the coachman calls to the horse-
keepers to "stand clear with their cloths, and take
care no one pays them twice over," gives a whistling
hiss to his leaders, the double thong to his wheelers,
and starts off at a trot, muttering something about
" cuss'd pair-'oss coach, — convict-looking passengers,"
observing confidentially to Mr. Jorrocks, as he turned
the angle of the street, " that he would rather be hung
off a long stage, than die a natural death on a short
one," while the guard drowns the voices of the lady
who has left her reticule, and of the gentleman who
has got no change for his sovereign, in a hearty puff
of—
"Rule, Britannia, — Britannia, rule the waves,
Britons, never, never, never, shall be slaves ! "
Blithely and merrily, like all coach passengers after
feeding, our party rolled steadily along, with occasional
gibes at those they met or passed, such as telling
waggoners their linch-pins were out, — carters' mates,
there were nice pocket-knives lying on the road, —
making urchins follow the coach for miles by holding
up shillings and mock parcels, or simple equestrians
dismount in a jiffy on telling them their horses' shoes
were not all on "before."^ Towards the decline of
the day, Dover heights appeared in view, with the
stately castle guarding the channel, which, seen
through the clear atmosphere of an autumnal even-
ing, with the French coast conspicuous in the
distance, had more the appearance of a wide river
than a branch of the sea.
The coachman mended his pace a little, as he
bowled along the gentle descents or rounded the
*This is more of a hunting-field joke than a real one.
" Have I all my shoes on ? " " They are not all on before."
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 145
base of some lofty hill, and, pulling up at Lydden,
took a glass of soda-water and brandy, while four
strapping greys, with highly-polished, richly-plated
harness, and hollyhocks at their heads, were put to,
to trot the last few miles into Dover. Paying-time
being near, the guard began to do the amiable —
hoped Mrs. Sprat had ridden comfortable ; and the
coachman turned to the gentleman whose sovereign
was left behind to assure him he would bring his
change the next day, and was much comforted by the
assurance that he was on his way to Italy for the
winter. As the coach approached Charlton gate, the
guard flourished his bugle and again struck up " Rule
Britannia," which lasted the whole breadth of the
market-place, and length of Snargate Street, drawing
from J\lr. Muddle's shop the few loiterers who yet
remained, and causing Mr. Le Plastrier, the patriotic
moth impaler, to suspend the examination of the
bowels of a watch, as they rattled past his window.
At the door of the Ship Hotel, the canary-coloured
coach of Mr. Wright, the landlord, with four piebald
horses, was in waiting for him to take his evening
drive, and Mrs. Wright's pony phaeton, with a neat
tiger in a blue frock-coat and leathers, was also
stationed behind, to convey her a few miles on the
London Road. Of course the equipages of such
important personages could not be expected to move
for a common stage-coach, consequently it pulled up
a few yards from the door. It is melancholy to think
that so much spirit should have gone unrewarded,
or in other words, that Mr. Wright should have gone
wrong in his affairs — Mrs. Ramsbottom said she
never understood the meaning of the term, "The
Crown, and Bill of Rights (Wright's)," until she went
to Rochester. Many people, we doubt not, retain a
lively recollection of the '''bill of Wright's of Dover."
But to our travellers.
" Now, sir : this be Dover, that be the Ship, I be
10
146 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the coachman, and we goes no farther," observed the
amphibious-looking coachman, in a pea-jacket and
top-boots, to Mr. Jorrocks, who still kept his seat on
the box, as if he expected, that because they booked
people "through to Paris" at the coach-office in
London, that the vehicle crossed the channel and
conveyed them on the other side. At this intima-
tion, Mr. Jorrocks clambered down, and was speedily
surrounded by touts and captains of vessels soliciting
his custom. "Bon jour, me Lor'," said a gaunt
French sailor in ear-rings, and a blue-and-white Jersey
shirt, taking off a red night-cap with mock politeness,
" you shall be cross." " What's that about ? " inquires
Mr. Jorrocks — "cross! what does the chap mean?"
"Ten shillin', just, me Lor',' replied the man.
"Cross for ten shillings," muttered Mr. Jorrocks,
"vot does the Mouncheer mean? Hope he hasn't
picked my pocket." " I — you — vill," said the sailor,
slowly, using his fingers to enforce his meaning,
" take to France," pointing south, " for ten shillin' in
my batteau, me Lor'," continued the sailor, with a
grin of satisfaction, as he saw Mr. Jorrocks began to
comprehend him. " Ah ! I twig — you'll take me
across the water," said our citizen, chuckling at the
idea of understanding French and being called a
Lord — " for ten shillings — a half-sovereign, in fact."
" Don't go with him, sir," interrupted a Dutch-built
English tar; "he's got nothing but a lousy lugger
that will be all to-morrow in getting over, if it ever
gets at all ; and the Royal George, superb steamer,
sails with a king's messenger and despatches for all
the foreign courts at half-past ten, and must be across
by twelve, whether it can or not." "Please take a
card for the Brocklebank — quickest steamer out of
Dover — winds made expressly to suit her, and she
can beat the Royal George like winking. Passengers
never sick in the most uproarious weather," cried
another tout, running the corner of his card into
THE ROAD : ENGLISH AND FRENCH 147
Mr. Jorrocks's eye to engage his attention. Then
came the captain of the French mail-packet, who was
dressed much hke a new policeman, with an em-
broidered collar to his coat, and a broad red band
round a forage-cap which he raised with great
politeness, as he entreated Mr. Jorrocks's patronage
of his high-pressure engine, " vich had beat a balloon,
and vod take him for half less than noting." A crowd
collected, in the centre of which stood Mr. Jorrocks
perfectly unmoved, with his wig awry and his carpet-
bag under his arm. " Gentlemen," said he, extending
his right hand, "you seem to me to be desperately
civil — your ///rliteness appears to know no bounds —
but, to be candid with you, I beg to say that whoever
will carry me across the herring pond cheapest shall
have my custom, so now begin and bid downwards."
"Nine shillings," said an Englishman, directly —
"eight," replied a Frenchman — " seven - and - six-
pence " — " seven shillings " — " six-and-sixpence " —
"six shillings" — " five-and-sixpence ; " at last it came
down to five shillings, at which there were two bidders,
the French captain and the tout of the Royal George,
— and Mr. Jorrocks, like a true-born Briton, promised
his patronage to the latter, at which the Frenchmen
shrugged up their shoulders, and burst out a laughing,
one calling him " my Lor' Rosbif," and the other
" Monsieur God-dem," as they walked off in search of
other victims.
None but the natives of Dover can tell what the
weather is, unless the wind comes directly off the sea,
and it was not until Mr. Jorrocks proceeded to
embark, after breakfast the next morning, that he
ascertained there was a heavy swell on, so quiet had
the heights kept the gambols of Boreas. Three
steamers were simmering into action on the London
Hotel side of the harbour, in one of which — the
Royal George — two britchkas and a barouche were
lashed ready for sea, while the custom-house porters
148 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
were trundling barrows full of luggage under the
personal superintendence of a little shock-headed
French commissionnaire of Mr. Wright's in a gold-
laced cap, and the other gentry of the same profession
from the different inns. As the Royal George lay
nearly level with the quay, Mr. Jorrocks stepped on
board without troubling himself to risk his shins
among the steps of a ladder that was considerately
thrust into the place of embarkation ; and as soon as
he set foot upon deck, of course he was besieged by
the usual myriad of landsharks. First came Monsieur
the commissionnaire with his book, out of which he
enumerated two portmanteaus and two carpet-bags,
for each of which he made a specific charge, leaving
his own gratuity optional with his employer ; then
came Mr. Boots to ask for something for showing
them the way; after him the porter of the inn for
carrying their cloaks and greatcoats, all of which Mr.
Jorrocks submitted to, most philosophically, but
when the interpreter of the deaf-and-dumb ladderman
defnanded something for the use of the ladder, his
indignation got the better of him, and he exclaimed,
loud enough to be heard by all on deck, " Surely you
wouldn't charge a man for what he has not enjoyed ! "
A voyage is to many people like taking an emetic
— they look at the medicine and wish it well over,
and look at the sea and wish themselves well over.
Everything looked bright and gay at Dover — the cliff
seemed whiter than ever — the sailors had on clean
trousers, and the few people that appeared in the
streets were dressed in their Sunday best. The cart-
horses were seen feeding leisurely on the hills, and
there was a placid calmness about everything on
shore, which the travellers would fain have extended
to the sea. They came slowly and solemnly upon
deck, muffled up in cloaks and coats, some with their
passage-money in their hands, and took their places
apparently with the full expectation of being sick.
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 149
The French packet-boat first gave symptoms of
animation, in the shape of a few vigorous puffs from
the boiler, which were responded to by the Royal
George, whose rope was slipped without the usual
tinkle of the bell, and she shot out to sea, closely
followed by the Frenchman, who was succeeded by
the other English boat. Three or four«tremendous
long protracted dives, each followed by a majestic
rise on the bosom of the waves, denoted the crossing
of the bar ; and just as the creaking of the cordage,
the flapping of the sails, and the nervous quivering
of the paddles, as they lost their hold of the water,
were in full vigour, the mate crossed the deck with a
large white basin in his hand, the sight of which
turned the stomachs of half the passengers. Who
shall describe the misery that ensued ? The groans
and moans of the sufferers increasing every minute,
as the vessel heaved and dived, and rolled and
creaked, while hand-basins multiplied as half-sick
passengers caught the green countenance and fixed
eye of some prostrate sufferer, and were overcome
themselves.
Mr. Jorrocks, what with his Margate trips, and a
most substantial breakfast of beef-steaks and porter,
tea, eggs, muffins, prawns, and fried ham, held out
as long as anybody — indeed, at one time the odds
were that he would not be sick at all ; and he kept
walking up and down deck like a true British tar.
In one of his turns he was observed to make a full
stop. — Immediately before the boiler, his eye caught
a cadaverous-looking countenance that rose between
the top of a blue camlet cloak and the bottom of a
green travelling-cap, with a large patent-leather peak ;
he was certain that he knew it, and, somehow or
other, he thought not favourably. The passenger
was in that happy mood just debating whether he
should hold out against sickness any longer or resign
himself unreservedly to its horrors, when Mr. Jorrocks's
I50 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
eye encountered his, and the meeting did not appear
to contribute to his happiness. Mr. Jorrocks paused
and looked at him steadily for some seconds, during
which time his thoughts made a rapid cast over his
memory. " Sergeant Bumptious, by gum ! " exclaimed
he, giving his thigh a hearty slap, as the deeply-
indented pockmarks on the learned gentleman's face
betrayed his identity. " Sergeant," said he, going up
to him, " I'm werry 'appy to see ye — maybe in the
course of your practice at Croydon, you've heard
that there are more times than one to catch a thief."
" Who are you?" inquired the sergeant with a growl,
just at which moment the boat gave a roll, and he
wound up the inquiry by a donation to the fishes.
" Who am I ? " replied Mr. Jorrocks as soon as he
was done, " I'll soon tell ye that — I'm Mr. Jorrocks !
— Jorrocks wersus Cheetum, in fact — and now that
you have got your bullying toggery off, I'll be 'appy
to fight ye either by land or sea."
" Oh-h-h-h ! " groaned the sergeant at the mention
of the latter word, and thereupon he put his head
over the boat and paid his second subscription. Mr.
Jorrocks stood eyeing him, and when the sergeant
recovered, he observed with apparent mildness and
compassion, " Now, my dear sergeant, to show ye
that I can return good for evil, allow me to f^tch you
a nice 'ot mutton-chop ! " " Oh-h-h-h-h I " groaned
the sergeant, as though he would die. " Or perhaps
you'd prefer a cut of boiled beef with yellow fat, and
a dab of cal)bage ? " an alternative which was too
powerful for the worthy citizen himself — for, like
Sterne with his captive, he had drawn a picture that
his own imagination could not sustain — and, in at-
tempting to reach the side of the boat, he cascaded
over the sergeant, and they rolled over each other,
senseless and helpless, upon deck.
** Mew, mew," screamed the sea-gulls ; — " creak,
creak," went the cordage ; — " flop, flop," went the
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 151
sails ; round went the white basins, and the steward
with the mop ; and few passengers would have cared
to have gone overboard, when at the end of three
hours' misery, the captain proclaimed that they were
running into still water off Boulogne. This intimation
was followed by the collection of the passage-money
by the mate, and the jingling of a tin box by the
steward, under the noses of the party, for perquisites
for the crew. Jorrocks and the sergeant lay together
like babes in the wood until they were roused by
this operation, when, with a parting growl at his
companion, Mr. Jorrocks got up ; and though he had
an idea in his own mind that a man had better live
abroad all his life than encounter such misery as he
had undergone, for the purpose of returning to
England, he recollected his intended work upon
France, and began to make his observations upon
the town of Boulogne, towards which the vessel was
rapidly steaming. "Not half so fine as Margate,"
said he ; " the houses seem all afraid of the sea, and
turn their ends to it instead of fronting it, except yon
great white place which I suppose is the baths ; "
and, taking his hunting telescope out of his pocket,
he stuck out his legs and prepared to make an ob-
servation. " How the people are swarming down to
see us ! " he exclaimed. " I see!such a load of petti-
coats — glad Mrs. J. an't with us ; may have some fun
here, I guess. Dear me, wot lovely women ! wot
ankles ! beat the English, hollow — would give some-
thing to be a single man ! " While he made these
remarks, the boat ran up the harbour in good style,
to the evident gratification of the multitude who
lined the pier from end to end, and followed her in
her passage. ''■Ease her! stop her!''' at last cried
the Captain, as she got opposite a low wooden guard-
house, midway down the port. A few strokes of
the paddles sent her up to the quay, some ropes
were run from each end of the guard-house down to
152 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the boat, within which space no one was admitted
except about a dozen soldiers or custom-house officers
— in green coats, white trousers, black sugar-loaf
" caps," and having swords l)y their sides — and some
thick-legged fisherwomen, with long gold ear-rings,
to lower the ladder for disembarkation. The idlers,
that is to say, all the inhabitants of Boulogne, range
themselves outside the ropes, on foot, horseback, in
carriages, or anyhow, to take the chance of seeing
someone they know, to laugh at the melancholy looks
of those who have been sick, and to criticize the
company, who are turned into the guarded space like
a flock of sheep before them.
Mr. Jorrocks, having scaled the ladder, gave himself
a hearty and congratulatory shake on again finding him-
self on terra firtna, and, sticking his hat jauntily on one
side, as though he didn't know what sea-sickness was,
proceeded to run his eye along the spectators on one
side of the ropes ; when presently he was heard to
exclaim, " My vig, there's Thompson ! He owes us a
hundred pounds, and has been doing these three
years." And thereupon he bolted up to a fine-looking
young fellow — with mustachios, in a hussar foraging-
cap stuck on one side of his head, dressed in a black
velvet shooting-jacket, and with half a jeweller's shop
about him in the way of chains, brooches, rings,
and buttons — who had brought a good-looking bay-
horse to bear with his chest against the cords.
" Thompson," said Mr. Jorrocks, in a firm tone of
voice, " how are you ? " " How do ye do. Mister
Jorrocks," drawled out the latter, taking a cigar from
his mouth, and puffing a cloud of smoke over the
grocer's head. " Well, I'm werry well, but I should
like to have a few moments' conversation with you."
" Would ye ? " said Thompson, blowing another cloud.
" Yes, I would ; you remember that 'ere little bill you
got .Simpkins to discount for you one day when I was
absent ; we have had it by us a long time now, and
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 153
it is about time you were taking it up." "You
think so, do you, Mister Jorrocks ; can't you renew
it? I'll give you a draft on Aldgate pump for the
amount." ''Come, none of your funning with me,
I've had enough of your nonsense; give me my
pewter, or I'll have that horse from under you ; for
though it has got the hair rubbed off its near knee,
it will do werry well to carry me with the Surrey
occasionally." "You old fool," said Thompson,
" you forget where you are ; if I could pay your little
bill, do you suppose I would be here? You can't
squeeze blood out of a turnip, can ye ? But I'll tell
you what, my covey, if I can't give you satisfaction in
money, you shall give me the satisfaction of a gentle-
man if you don't take care what you are about, you
old tinker. By Jove, I'll order pistols and coffee for
two to-morrow morning at Napoleon's column, and
let the daylight through your carcass, if you utter
another syllable about the bill. Why, now, you
stare as Balaam did at his ass, when he found it
capable of holding an argument with him."
And, true enough, Jorrocks was dumbfoundered at
this sort of reply from a creditor, it not being at all
in accordance with the " Lex mercatoria," or law of
merchants, and quite unknown on 'Change. Before,
however, he had time to recover his surprise, all the
passengers having entered the roped area, one of the
green-coated gentry gave him a polite twist by the
coat-tail, and with a wave of the hand and bend
of his body, beckoned him to proceed with the
crowd into the guard-house. After passing an outer
room, they entered the bureau by a door in the middle
of a wooden partition, where two men were sitting
with pens ready to enter the names of the arrivers in
ledgers.
" Votre nom et designation ? " said one of them to
Mr. Jorrocks — who, with a bad start, had managed
to squeeze in first — to which Mr. Jorrocks shook his
154 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
head. " Sare, what's your name, sare ? " inquired the
same personage. "Jorrocks," was the answer,
delivered with great emphasis, and thereupon the
secretary wrote " Shorrock." — " Monsieur Shorrock,"
said he, looking up, " votre profession. Monsieur ?
Vot you are, sir ? " "A grocer," replied Mr. Jorrocks,
which caused a titter from those behind who meant
to sink the shop. " Marchand-Epicier," wrote the
bureau-keeper. "Quel age avez-vous, Monsieur?
How old you are, sare?" "Two pound twelve,"
replied Mr. Jorrocks, surprised at his inquisitiveness.
" No, sare, not vot monnay you have, sare, bot how
old you are, sare ? " " Well, two pound twelve, fifty-
two in fact." Mr. Jorrocks was then passed out, to
take his chance among the touts and commissionnaires
of the various hotels, who are enough to pull
passengers to pieces in their solicitations for custom.
In Boulogne, however, no man with money is ever
short of friends ; and Thompson having given the
hint to two or three acquaintances as he rode up
street, there were no end of broken-down sportsmen,
levanters, and gentlemen who live on the interest of
what they owe other people, waiting to receive Mr.
Jorrocks. The greetings on their parts were most
cordial and enthusiastic, and even some who were in
his books did not hesitate to hail him ; the majority
of the party, however, was composed of those with
whom he had at various times and places enjoyed
the sports of the field, but whom he had never missed
until they met at Boulogne.
Their inquiries were business-like and familiar ! —
" How are ye, Jorrocks ? " cried one, holding out both
hands ; " How are ye, my lad of wax ? Do you still
play billiards? — Give you nine, and play you for a
Nap." " Come to my house this evening, old boy,
and take a hand at whist for old acquaintance' sake,"
urged the friend on his left ; " got some rare cognac,
and a box of beautiful Havannahs." " No, Jorrocks,
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 155
— dine with me," said a third, "and play chicken-
hazard," " Don't" said a fourth, confidentially, " he'll
fleece ye like fun." " Let me put your name down to
our Pigeon Club ; only a guinea entrance and a
guinea subscription — nothing to a rich man like you."
" Have you any coin to lend on unexceptionable
personal security, with a power of killing and selling
your man if he don't pay ? " inquired another. "Are
they going to abolish the law of arrest ? 'twould be
very convenient if they did." " Will you discount
me a bill at three months ? " " Is B — out of the
Bench yet ? " " Who do they call Nodding Homer
in your hunt ? " " O gentlemen, gentlemen ! " cried
Mr. Jorrocks, " go it gently, go it gently ! Consider
the day is 'ot, I'm almost out of breath, and faint for
want of food. I've come all the way from Angletear,
as we say in France, and lost my breakfast on the
woyage. Where is there an inn where I can recruit
my famished frame ? What's this ? " looking up at a
sign, " '■ Done a boar i?i a man^er^ what does this
mean ? — where's my French dictionary ? I've heard
that boar is very good to eat." " Yes, but this boar
is to drink," said a friend on the right; "but you
must not put up at a house of that sort ; come to the
Hotel d'Orleans, where all the best fellows and men
of consequence go, a celebrated house in the days of
the Boulogne Hunt. Ah, that was the time, Mr.
Jorrocks ! we lived like fighting-cocks then ; you
should have been among us, such a rollicking set of
dogs ! could hunt all day, race maggots and drink
claret all night, and take an occasional by-day with
the hounds on a Sunday. Can't do that with the
Surrey, I guess. There's the Hotel d'Orleans,"
pointing to it as they turned the corner of the street ;
"splendid house it is. I've no interest in taking you
there, don't suppose so ; but the sun of its greatness
is fast setting — there's no such shaking of elbows as
there used to be — the I O U system knocked that up.
156 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Still, you'll be very comfortable ; a bit of carpet by
your bedside, curtains to your windows, a pie-dish to
wash in, a clean towel ever>' third day, and as many
friends to dine with you as ever you like — no want of
company in Boulogne, I assure you. Here, Mr. W.,"
addressing the innkeeper who appeared at the door,
"this is the very celebrated Mr. Jorrocks, of whom
■we have all heard so much, — take him and use him
as you would your own son ; and, hark ye (aside),
dorit forgot I brought him."
"Garj<?<?«," said Jorrocks, after having composed
himself a little, during which time he was also com-
posing a French speech from his dictionary and
Madame de Genlis's 1 Manuel dii Voyageur ; " A
•che hora [ora] si pranza ? " looking at the waiter, who
seemed astonished. "Oh, stop!" said he, looking
again, "that's Italian — I've got hold of the wrong
■column. 'A quelle heure dine' — hang me if I know
how to call this chap — dine [spelling it], t'on ? "
^' What were you wishing to say, sir?" inquired the
"waiter, interrupting his display of the language, " Wot,
do you speak English ? " asked Jorrocks in amaze-
ment. "I hope so, sir," replied the man, "for I'm
an Englishman." "Then, why the devil did you not
say so, you great lout, instead of putting me into a
sweat this 'ot day by speaking French to you ? "
^' Beg pardon, sir, thought _)■<?« were a Frenchman."
" Did you, indeed ? " said Jorrocks, delighted ; " then,
by Jove, I do speak French ! Somehow or other I
thought I could, as I came over. Bring me a
thundering beaf-steak, and a pint of stout, directly ! "
The Hotel d'Orleans being a regular roast-beef and
^ For the benefit of our " tarn'-at-home " readers, we should
premise that Madame de Genlis's work is arranged for the
convenience of travellers who do not speak any language but
their own ; and it consists of dialogues on different necessary
subjects, with French and Italian translations opposite the
English.
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 157
plum-pudding sort of house, Mr. Jorrocks speedily-
had an immense strip of tough beef and boiled
potatoes placed before him, in the well-windowed
" Salle a manger" ; and the day being fine, he regaled
himself at a table at an open window, whereby he
saw the smart passers-by, and let them view him in
return.
Sunday is a gay day in France, and Boulogne equals
the best town in smartness. The shops are better set
out, the women are better dressed, and there is a
holiday brightness and air of pleasure on every
countenance. Then instead of seeing a sulky husband
trudging behind a pouting wife with a child in her
arms, an infallible sign of a Sunday evening in
England, they trip away to the rural fete champetre,
where with dancing, lemonade, and love, they pass,
away the night in temperate if not innocent hilarity.
" Happy people ! that once a week at least, lay down
their cares, and dance and sing, and sport away the
weights of grievance, which bow down the spirit of
other nations to the earth."
The voyage, though short, commenced a new era
in Mr. Jorrocks's life, and he entirely forgot all about
Sunday and Dover dulness the moment he set foot
on sprightly France, and he no more recollected it
was Sunday, than if such a day had ceased to exist in
the calendar. Having bolted his steak, he gave his-
Hessians their usual flop with his handkerchief, combed
his whiskers, pulled his wig straight, and sallied forth,
dictionar)- in hand, to translate the signs, admire the
clever little children talking French, quiz the horses,
and laugh at everything he didn't understand; to
spend his first afternoon, in short, as nine-tenths of
the English who " go abroad " are in the habit of
doing.
Early the next morning, Mr. Jorrocks and the
Yorkshireman, accompanied by the commissionnaire
of the Hotel d'Orleans, repaired to the upper town, for
158 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the purpose of obtaining passports, and as they
ascended the steep street called La Grande Rue,
vwhich connects the two towns, they held a consulta-
tion as to what the former should be described. A
" Marchand Epicier" would obtain Mr. Jorrocks no
respect, but, then, he objected to the word " Rentier."
"What is the French for fox-'unter?" said he, after
a thoughtful pause, turning to his dictionary. There
was no such word. "Sportsman, then? Aye,
Chasseur ! How would that read ? John Jorrocks,
Esq., Chasseur, — r\oX. bad, I think," said he. "That
will do," replied the Yorkshireman, "but you must
sink the Esquire now, and tack ' Monsieur ' before
your name, and a very pretty, euphonious sound
' Monsieur Jorrocks ' will have ; and when you hear
some of the little Parisian grisettes lisp it out as you
turn the garters over on their counters, while they
turn their dark flashing eyes over upon you, it will be
enough to rejuvenate your old frame. But suppose we
add to ' Chasseur ' — ' Member of the Surrey Hunt ' ? "
" By all means," replied Mr. Jorrocks, delighted at
the idea, and ascending the stairs of the Consulate
three steps at a time.
The Consul, Mons. De Horter, was in attendance,
sitting in state, with a gendarme at the door and his
secretary at his elbow. " Bon jour. Monsieur," said
he, bowing, as Mr. Jorrocks passed through the lofty
folding-door ; to which our traveller replied, " The
top of the morning to you, sir," thinking something
of that sort would be right. The Consul, having
scanned him through his green spectacles, drew a
large sheet of thin printed paper from his portfolio,
with the arms of France placed under a great petticoat
at the top, and proceeded to fill up a request from
His Most Christian Majesty to all the authorities,
both civil and military, of France, and also of all the
allied "pays," "de laisser librement passer," Monsieur
John Jorrocks, Chasseur and member of the Hont de
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 159
Surrey, and plusieurs other Hants \ and also, Monsieur
Stubbs, native of Anglcterre, going from IJoulogne to
Paris, and to give them aid and protection, " en cas
de besoin," all of which Mr. Jorrocks — like many
travellers before him — construed into a most flatter-
ing compliment and mark of respect, from His Most
Christian Majesty to himself.
Under the word " signalement " in the margin, the
Consul also drew the following sketch of our hero, in
order, as Mr. Jorrocks supposed, that the King of the
Mouncheers might know him when he saw him.
"Age de 52 ans
Taille d"un metre 62 centimetres
Perruque brun
Front large
Yeux gris-sanguin
Nez moyen
Barbe grisatre
Visage ronde
Teint rouge."
He then handed it over to Mr. Jorrocks for his
signature, who, observing the words, " Signature du
Porteur " at the bottom, passed it on to the porter of
the inn, until put right by the Consul, who, on receiv-
ing his fee, bowed him out with great politeness.
Great as had been the grocer's astonishment at the
horses and carts that he had seen stirring about the
streets, his amazement knew no bounds when the
first Paris diligence came rolling into town with six
horses, spreading over the streets as they swung about
in all directions — covered with bells, sheep-skins,
worsted balls, and foxes' brushes, driven by one
solitary postilion on the off-wheeler. " My vig,"
cried he, " here's Wombwell's wild-beast show ! What
the deuce are they doing in France ? I've not heard
of them since last Bartlemy fair, when I took my
brother Joe's children to see them fed. But stop —
this is full of men ! My eyes, so it is. It's what
i6o JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
young Dutch Sam would call a male coach, because
there are no females about it. Well, I declare, I am
almost sorry I did not bring Mrs. J. Wot would they
think to see such a concern in Cheapside ? Why, it
holds half a township — a perfect willage on wheels.
My eyes, wot a curiosity ! Well, I never thought to
live to see such a sight as this ! — wish it was going
our way that I might have a ride in it. Hope ours
will be as big." Shortly after theirs did arrive, and
Mr. Jorrocks was like a perfect child with delight. It
was not a 7nale coach, however, for in the different
compartments were five or six ladies. "Oh, wot
elegant creatures," cried he, eyeing them ; " I could
ride to Jerusalem with them without being tired ; wot
a thing it is to be a bachelor ! "
The conducteur — with the usual frogged, tagged,
embroidered jacket, and fur-bound cap— having
hoisted their luggage on high, the passengers who had
turned out of their respective compartments to stretch
their legs after their cramping from Calais, proceeded
to resume their places. There were only two seats
vacant in the interior, or, as Mr, Jorrocks called it,
the " middle house," consequently the Yorkshireman
and he crossed legs. The other four passengers had
corner seats, things much coveted by French travellers.
On Mr. Stubbs's right sat an immense Englishman,
enveloped in a dark blue camlet cloak, fastened with
bronze lion-head clasps, a red neckcloth, and a shabby,
napless, broad-brimmed, brown hat. His face was
large, round, and red, without an atom of expression,
and his little pig eyes twinkled over a sort of a mark
that denoted where his nose should have been ; in
short, his head was more like a barber's wig-block
than anything else, and his outline would have formed
a model of the dome of St. Paul's. On the York-
shireman's left was a chattering young red-trousered
dragoon, in a frock-coat and flat foraging cap with a
flying tassel. Mr. Jorrocks was more fortunate than
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH i6i
his friend, and rubbed sides with two women ; one
was English, either an upper nursery-maid or an
under-governess, but who might be safely trusted to
travel by herself. She was dressed in a black beaver
bonnet lined with scarlet silk, a nankeen pelisse with
a blue ribbon, and pea-green boots, and she carried a
sort of small fish-basket on her knee, with a '■^ plain
Christian's prayer-book " on the top. The other was
French, approaching to middle age, with a nice smart
plump figure, good hazel-coloured eyes, a beautiful
foot and ankle, and very well dressed. Indeed, her
dress very materially reduced the appearance of her
age, and she was what the milliners would call re-
markably well "got up." Her bonnet was a pink
satin, with a white blonde ruche surmounted by a rich
blonde veil, with a white rose placed elegantly on one
side, and her glossy auburn hair pressed down the
sides of a milk-white forehead, in the Madonna style.
Her pelisse was of " violet-des-bois " figured silk, worn
with a black velvet pelerine and a handsomely-
embroidered collar. Her boots were of a colour to
match the pelisse ; and a massive gold chain round
her neck, and a solitary pearl ring on a middle finger,
were all the jewellery she displayed. Mr. Jorrocks
caught a glimpse of her foot and ankle as she mounted
the steps to resume her place in the diligence ; and,
pushing the Yorkshireman aside, he bundled in
directly after her, and took up the place we have
described.
The vehicle was soon in motion, and its ponderous
roll enchanted the heart of the grocer. Independ-
ently of the novelty, he was in a humour to be
pleased, and everything with him was couleur de rose.
Not so the Yorkshireman's right-hand neighbour, who
lounged in the corner, mufiied up in his cloak,
muttering and cursing at every jolt of the diligence,
as it bumped across the gutters and jolted along the
streets of Boulogne. At length, having got off the
II
i62 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
pavement, after crushing along at a trot through the
soft road that immediately succeeds, they reached the
little hill near Mr. Gooseman's farm, and the horses
gradually relaxed into a walk, when he burst forth
with a tremendous oath, swearing that he had
"travelled three hundred thousand miles, and never
saw horses walk up such a bit of a bank before." He
looked round the diligence in the expectation of
someone joining him, but no one deigned a reply, so,
with a growl and a jerk of his shoulders, he again
threw himself into his corner. The dragoon and the
French lady then began narrating the histories of
their lives, as the French people always do, and Mr.
Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat looking at each
other. At length Mr. Jorrocks, pulling his dictionary
and Madame de Genlis out of his pocket, observed,
" I quite forgot to ask the guard at what time we dine
— a most important consideration, for I hold it unfair
to take one's stomach by surprise, and a man should
have due notice, that he may tune his appetite
accordingly. I have always thought that there's as
much dexterity required to bring an appetite to table
in the full bloom of perfection, as there is in training
an 'oss to run on a particular day. Let me see,"
added he, turning over the pages of De Genlis — "it
will be under the head of eating and drinking, I
suppose. — Here it is — (opens and reads) — ' I have a
good appetite — I am hungry — I am werry hungry — I
am almost starved ' — that won't do — ' I have eaten
enough' — that won't do either — 'To breakfast' — no.
But here it is, by Jingo — 'Dialogue before dinner' —
capital book for us travellers, this Mrs. de Genlis —
(reads) ' Pray take dinner with us to-day, I shall give
you plain fare.' — That means rough and enough, I
suppose," observed Mr. Jorrocks to the Yorkshireman.
" ' What time do we dine to-day ? French : A quelle
heure dinons-nous aujourd'hui ? — Italian : A che hora
(ora) si prancey (pranza) oggi?'" "Ah, Monsieur,
dmtA
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 163
vous parlez Fran^Mis h. nierveille," said the French
lady, smiling with the greatest good nature upon him.
''A viarble!'' said Mr. Jorrocks, "wot does that
mean?" preparing to look it out in the dictionary.
"Ah, Monsieur, I shall you explain — you speak
French like a natif." " Indeed ! " said Mr. Jorrocks,
with a bow, " I feel werry proud of your praise ; and
your English is quite delightful. By Jove," said he
to the Yorkshireman, with a most self-satisfied grin,
" you were right in what you told me about the gals
calling me Monsieur. I declare she's driven right
home to my 'art — transfixed me at once, in fact."
Everyone who has done a little "voyaging," as
they call it in France, knows that a few miles to the
south of Samer rises a very steep hill, across which
the route lies, and that diligence travellers are
generally invited to walk up to it. A path which
strikes off near the foot of the hill, across the open,
cuts off the angle, and — diligences being anything
but what the name would imply — the passengers, by
availing themselves of the short cut, have ample time
for striking up confabs, and inquiring into the
comforts of the occupiers of the various compart-
ments. Our friends of the "interior" were all busy
jabbering and talking — some with their tongues,
others with their hands and tongues — with the
exception of the monster in the cloak, who sat like a
sack in the corner, until the horses, having reached
the well-known breathing-place, made a dead halt,
and the conducteur proceeded to invite the party to
descend and "promenade" up the hill. "What's
happened now?" cried the monster, jumping up as
the door opened; "surely they don't expect us to
walk up this mountain ; Fve travelled three hundred
thousand miles, and was never asked to do such a
thing in all my life before. / W07i't do it ; I paid for
riding, and ride I will. You are all a set of infamous
cheats," said he to the conducteur in good plain
i64 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
English ; but the conducteur, not understanding the
language, shut the door as soon as all the rest were
out, and let him roll on by himself. Jorrocks stuck
to his woman, who had a negro boy in the rotonde,
dressed in baggy slate-coloured trousers, with a green
waistcoat and a blue coat, with a coronet on the
button, who came to hand her out, and was addressed
by the heroic name of " Agamemnon." Jorrocks got
a glimpse of the button, but, not understanding
foreign coronets, thought it was a crest ; nevertheless,
he thought he might as well inquire who his friend
was, so, slinking back as they reached the foot of the
hill, he got hold of the nigger, and asked what they
called his missis. Massa did not understand, and
Mr. Jorrocks, sorely puzzled how to explain, again
had recourse to the Manual dti Voyageur; but
Madame de Genlis had not anticipated such an
occurrence, and there was no dialogue adapted to his
situation. There was a conversation with a lacquey,
however, commencing with — "Are you disposed to
enter into my service?" and, in the hopes of hitting
upon something that would convey his wishes, he
"hark'd forward," and passing by — "Are you
married?" arrived at — "What is your wife's occu-
pation ? " " Que fait votre femme ? " said he, suiting
the action to the word, and pointing to Madame.
Agamemnon showed his ivories, as he laughed at the
idea of Jorrocks calling his mistress his wife, and by
signs and words conveyed to him some idea of the
importance of the personage to whom he alluded.
This he did most completely, for before the diligence
came up, Jorrocks pulled the Yorkshireman aside,
and asked if he was aware that they were travelling
with a real live Countess ; " Madame la Countess
Benwolio, the nigger informs me," said he; "a werry
grande femme, though what that means I don't know."
"Oh, countesses are common enough here," replied
the Yorkshireman. "I daresay she's a stay-maker.
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 165
I remember a paint-maker who had a German Baron
for a colour-grinder once." "Oh," said Jorrocks,
" you are jealous — you always try to run down my
friettds: but that won't do, I'm wide awake to your
tricks " ; so saying, he shuffled off, and, getting hold
of the Countess, helped Agamemnon to hoist her into
the diligence. He was most insinuating for the next
two hours, and jabbered about love and fox-hunting,
admiring the fine, flat, open country, and the absence
of hedges and flints ; but as neither youth nor age
can subsist on love alone, his confounded appetite
began to trouble him, and got quite the better of him
before they reached Abbeville. Every mile seemed a
league, and he had his head out of the window at
least twenty times before they came in sight of the
town. At length the diligence got its slow length
dragged not only to Abbeville, but to the sign of
the " Fidele Berger," — or " Fiddle Burgur," as Mr.
Jorrocks pronounced it — where they were to dine.
The door being opened, out he jumped, and with his
MaTiual dii Voyageur in one hand, and the Countess
Benee/olio in the other, he pushed his way through
the crowd of " pauvres miserables " congregated
under the gateway, who exhibited every species of
disease and infirmity that poor human nature is
liable or heir to, and entered the hotel. The Sally
Manger, as he called it, was a long brick-floored
room on the basement, with a white stove at one end,
and the walls plentifully decorated with a panoramic
view of the Grand Nation walloping the Spaniards
at the siege of Saragossa. The diligence being a
leetle behind time as usual, the soup was on the table
when they entered. The passengers quickly ranged
themselves round, and, with his mouth watering as
the female gar(on lifted the cover from the tureen,
Mr. Jorrocks sat in the expectation of seeing the rich
contents ladled into the plates. His countenance
fell fifty per cent, as the first spoonful passed before
i66 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
his eyes, — " My vig, why, it's water ! " exclaimed he
— " water, I do declare, with worms ^ in it — I can't
eat such stuff as that — it's not man's meat — oh dear,
oh dear, I fear I've made a terrible mistake in coming
to France ! Never saw such stuff as this at Bleaden's
or Birch's, or anywhere in the city." " I've travelled
three hundred thousand miles," said the fat man,
sending his plate from him in disgust, "and never
tasted such a mess as this before." " I'll show them
up in BelPs Life" cried Mr. Jorrocks ; " and, look
what stuff is here — beef boiled to rags ! — well, I
never, no never, saw anything like this before. Oh,
I wish I was in Great Coram Street again ! — I'm sure
I can't live here — I wonder if I could get a return
chaise — waiter — gaxsoon — cuss ! Oh dear ! I see
Madame de Genlis is of no use in a pinch — and yet
what a dialogue here is ! O Heavens ! grant your
poor Jorrocks but one request, and that is the
contents of a single sentence. " I want a roasted or
boiled leg of mutton, beef, hung beef, a quarter of
mutton, mutton chops, veal cutlets, stuffed tongue,
dried tongue, hog's pudding, white sausage, meat
sausage, chicken with rice, a nice fat roast fowl, roast
chicken with cressy, roast or boiled pigeon, a
fricassee of chicken, sweetbread, goose, lamb, calf's
cheek, calPs head, fresh pork, salt pork, cold meat,
hash. — But where's the use of titivating one's
appetite with reading of such luxteries ? Oh, what
a wife Madame de Genlis would have made for me !
Oh dear, oh dear, I shall die of hunger, I see — I
shall die of absolute famine — my stomach thinks my
throat's cut already ! " In the height of his distress
in came two turkeys and a couple of fowls, and his
countenance shone forth like an April sun after a
shower. "Come, this is better," said he; "I'll
trouble you, sir, for a leg and a wing, and a bit of
the breast, for I'm really famished — oh hang ! the
* Macaroni soup.
c:
<
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 167
fellow's a Frenchman, and I shall lose half the day
in looking it out in my dictionary. Oh dear, oh
dear, where's the dinner dialogue ! — well, here's
something to the purpose. ' I will send you a bit
of this fowl.' 'A little bit of the fowl cannot hurt
you.' — No, nor a great bit either. — 'Which do you
like best, a leg or a wing ? ' ' Qiiaimez-vous k mteux, la
cuisse ou Vaile ? ' " Here the Countess Benvolio, who
had been playing a good knife and fork herself,
pricked up her ears, and, guessing at Jorrocks's wants,
interceded with her countryman, and got him a
plateful of fowl. It was soon disposed of, however,
and half a dish of hashed hare or cat, that was placed
within reach of him shortly after, was quickly
transferred into his plate. A French dinner is
admirably calculated for leading the appetite on by
easy stages to the grand consummation of satiety.
It begins meagrely, as we have shown, and proceeds
gradually through the various gradations of lights,
savories, solids, and substantial. Presently there
was a large dish of stewed eels put on. "What's
that ? " asked Jorrocks of the man. " Poisson," was
the reply. ^'Poison/ why, you infidel, have you no
conscience?" '■^ Fishe,^^ said the Countess. "Oh,
aye, I smell — eels — just like what we have at the
Eel-pie house at Twickenham — your ladyship, I am
thirsty — ge soif, in fact." " Ah, bon ! " said the
Countess, laughing, and giving him a tumbler of claret.
"I've travelled three hundred thousand miles," said
the fat man, "and never saw claret drunk in that way
before." " It's not werry good, I think," said Mr.
Jorrocks, smacking his lips ; " if it was not claret, I
would sooner drink port." Some wild ducks and
fricandeau de veau which followed were cut up and
handed round, Jorrocks helping himself plentifully to
both, as also to pommes de terre d, la viditrc d^ hotel,
and bread at discretion. "Faith, but this is not a
bad dinner after all's said and done, when one gets
i68 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
fairly into it." " Fear it will be very expensive," ^
observed the fat man. Just when Jorrocks began
to think he had satisfied nature, in came a roast leg
of mutton, a beef-steak, "h, la G — d-dam,"^ and a
dish of larks and snipes. " Must have another
tumbler of wine before I can grapple with these
chaps," said he, eyeing them, and looking into
Madame de Genlis's book : " ' Ga-vsoon, donnez-moi un
verre de vin,' " holding up the book and pointing to
the sentence. He again set to, and " went a good
one " at both mutton and snipes, but on pulling up
he appeared somewhat exhausted. He had not got
through it all yet, however. Just as he was taking
breath, a garfon entered with some custards and an
enormous omelette soufflee, whose puffy brown sides
bagged over the tin dish that contained it. " There's
a tart ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks. " Oh, my eyes, what a
swell ! — Well, I suppose I must have a shy at it. —
* In for a penny, in for a pound ! ' as we say at the
Lord Mayor's feed. Know I shall be sick, but,
however, here goes," sending his plate across the
table to the gar(on who was going to help it. The
first dive of the spoon undeceived him as he heard it
sound at the bottom of the dish. " Oh lauk, what a
go ! All puff, by Jove ! — a regular humbug — a balloon
pudding, in short ! I won't eat such stuff — give it to
Mouncheer there," rejecting the offer of a piece. " I
like the solids ; — will trouble you for some of that
cheese, sir, and don't let it taste of the knife. But
what do they mean by setting the dessert on before
the cloth is removed? And here comes tea and
coffee — may as well have some, I suppose it will be
^ The Rochester dinner and this were exactly the same price.
^ When the giraffe mania prevailed in Paris, and gloves,
handkerchiefs, gowns, reticules, etc., were " i la Giraffe," an
Englishman asked a waiter if they had any beef-steaks " i la
Giraffe." "No, Monsieur, but we have them i la G — d-dem,"
was the answer.
THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH 169
all the same price. And what's this?" eyeing a lot
of liqueur glasses full of eau de vie. " Chasse-cafd,
Monsieur," said the gar{on. " Chasse calf — chasse
calf — what's that ? Oh, I twig — what we call ' shove
in the mouth ' at the Free-and-easy. Yes, certainly,
give me a glass." "You shall take some dessert,"
said the Countess, handing him over some peaches
and biscuits. " Well, I'll try my hand at it, if it will
obkge your ladyship, but I really have had almost
enough." "And some abricot," said she, helping
him to a couple of fine juicy ones. " Oh, thank you,
my lady, thank you, my lady, I'm nearly satisfied."
" Vous ne mangez pas," said she, giving him half a
plate of grapes. " Oh, my lady, you don^t understand
me — I can't eat any more — I am regularly high and
dry — chock full — bursting, in fact." Here she handed
him a plate of sponge cakes mixed with bon-bons and
macaroons, saying, "Vous etes un pauvre mangeur —
vous ne mangez rien, Monsieur." "Oh, dear, she
does not understand me, I see. — Indeed, my lady,
I can not eat any more. — Ge would-exQ., se ge could-
era, mais ge m«-ne-ra pas!" "Well, now, I've
travelled three hundred thousand miles, and never
heard such a bit of French as that before," said the
fat man," chuckling.
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS
A S the grey morning mist gradually dispersed, and
■^^ daylight began to penetrate the cloud that
dimmed the four squares of glass composing the
windows of the diligence, the Yorkshireman, half asleep
and half awake, took a mental survey of his fellow-
travellers. Before him sat his worthy friend, snoring
away with his mouth open, and his head, which kept
bobbing over on the shoulder of the Countess, en-
veloped in the ample folds of a white cotton nightcap.
She too was asleep, and, disarmed of all her daylight
arts, dozed away in tranquil security. Her mouth was
also open, exhibiting rather a moderate set of teeth,
and her Madonna fro/i^ having got a twist, exposed a
mixture of brown and iron grey hairs at the parting
place. Her bonnet swung from the roof of the
diligence, and its place was supplied by a handsome
lace cap, fastened under her chin by a broad-hemmed
cambric handkerchief. Presently the sun rose, and a
bright ray shooting into the Countess's corner, awoke
her with a start, and after a hurried glance at the
passengers, who appeared to be all asleep, she drew
a small ivory-cased looking-glass from her bag and
proceeded to examine her features. Mr. Jorrocks
awoke shortly after, and with an awful groan exclaimed
that his backbone was fairly worn out with sitting.
"Oh dear!" said he, "my behind aches as if I had
been kicked all the way from Holkley Hole to Mary-
lebone. Are we near Paris ? for I'm sure I can't find
seaf any longer, indeed I can't. I'd rather ride two
hundred miles in nine hours, like H'osbaldiston, than
170
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 171
be shut up in this woiture another hour. It really is
past bearing, and that's the long and short of the
matter." This exclamation roused all the party, who
began yawning and rubbing their eyes, and looking at
their watches. The windows were also lowered to
take in fresh air, and, on looking out, they found
themselves rolling along a sandy road, lined on each
side with apple trees, whose branches were "groan-
ing " with fruit. They breakfasted at Beaumont, and
had a regular spread of fish, beef-steak, mutton-chops,
a large joint of hot roast veal, roast chickens, several
yards of sour bread, grapes, peaches, pears, and plums
with vin ordifiaire and coffee au lait ; but Mr. Jorrocks
was off his feed, and stood all the time to ease his
haunches.
Towards three in the afternoon they caught the
first glimpse of the gilded dome of the Hospital
of Invalids, which was a signal for all the party to
brush up and make 'themselves agreeable. Even the
three-hundred-thousand miler opened out, and began
telling some wonderful anecdotes, while the Countess
and Mr. Jorrocks carried on a fierce flirtation, or
whatever else they pleased to call it. At last, after
a deal of jargon, he broke off by appealing to the
Yorkshireman to know what "inn" they should
" put up at " at Paris.
"I don't know, Pm sure," said he; "it depends
a good deal upon how you mean to live. As you
pay my shot, it does not do for beggars to be
choosers ; but suppose we try ISIeurice's ? " " Oh
no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " her ladyship tells me it is
werry expensive, for the English always pay through
the nose if they go to English houses in Paris ; and
as we talk French, we can put up at a French one,
you know." "Well, then, we can try some of the
French ones in the Rue de la Paix." " Rue de la Pay ;
no, by Jove, that won't do for me — the werry name is
enough — no Rue de la Pays for me, at least if I have
172 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
to pay the shot." " Well, then, you must get your
friend there to tell you of some place, for I don't care
twopence, as long as I have a bed, where it is." The
Countess and he then laid their heads together again,
and when the diligence stopped to change horses at
St. Denis, Mr. Jorrocks asked the Yorkshireman to
alight, and, taking him aside, announced with great
glee that her ladyship, finding they were strangers in
the land, had most kindly invited them to stay with
her, and that she had a most splendid house in the
Rue des Mauvais-Gargons, ornamented with mirrors,
musical clocks, and he didn't know what, and kept
the best company in all France, marquesses, barons,
viscounts, authors, etc. Before the Yorkshireman
had time to reply, the conducteur came and hurried
them back into the diligence, and closed the door
with a bang, to be sure of having his passengers there
while he and the postilion shuffled the cards and cut
for a glass of eau-de-vie apiece.
The Countess, suspecting what they had been
after, resumed the conversation as soon as Mr. Jor-
rocks was seated. " You shall manger cinque fois
every day," said she ; " cinque fois," she repeated. —
" Humph ! " said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, " What can
that mean? — cank four — four times five's twenty —
eat twenty times a day — not possible ! " " Oui,
Monsieur, cinque fois," repeated the Countess, telling
the number off on her fingers — " Cafe at nine of the
matin, dejeuner ^ la fourchette at onze o'clock, diner
at cinque heure, cafe at six hour, and souper at
neuf hour." " Upon my word," replied Mr. Jorrocks
his eyes sparkling with pleasure, "your offer is
werry inwiting. My lady," said he, bowing before
her, "Je suis — I am much flattered." "And Mon-
sieur?" said she, looking at the Yorkshireman. He
too assured her that he was very much flattered, and
was beginning to excuse himself, when the Countess
interrujjted him somewhat abruptly by turning to Mr.
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 173
Jorrocks and saying, " He sail be your son — n'est-ce
pas?" "No, my lady, I've no children," replied he,
and the Countess's eyes in their turn underwent a
momentary illumination.
The Parisian barrier was soon reached, and the man
taken up to kick about the jaded travellers' luggage at
the journey's end. While this operation was going on
in the diligence yard, the Countess stuck close to Mr.
Jorrocks, and having despatched Agamemnon for a
fiacre, bundled him in, luggage and all, and desiring
her worthy domestic to mount the box, and direct
the driver, she kissed her hand to the Yorkshireman,
assuring him she would be most happy to see him, in
proof of which, she drove away without telling him her
number, or where the Rue de Mauvais-Gargons was.
Paris is a charming place after the heat of the
summer has passed away, and the fine, clear, autumnal
days arrive. Then is the time to see the Tuileries
gardens to perfection, when the Parisians have re-
turned from their chateaus, and emigrating English
and those homeward bound halt to renovate on the
road ; then is the time that the gayest plants put forth
their brightest hues, and drooping orange flowers scent
the air which silvery fountains lend their aid to cool.
On a Sunday afternoon, such as we have described,
our friend Mr. Stubbs (who since his arrival had been
living very comfortably at the Hotel d'Hollande, in
expectation of Mr. Jorrocks paying his bill) indulged
in six sous worth of chairs — one to sit upon and one
for each leg — and, John Bull-like, stretched himself
out in the shade beneath the lofty trees, to view the
gay groups who promenaded the alleys before him.
First, there came a helmeted cuirassier, with his wife
in blue satin, and a little boy in his hand in uniform,
with a wooden sword, a perfect miniature of the
father, then a group of short-petticoated, shuffling
French women, each with an Italian greyhound in
slips, followed by an awkward Englishman with a sister
174 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
on each arm, all stepping out like grenadiers ; then
came a ribbon'd chevalier of the Legion of Honour,
whose hat was oftener in his hand than on his^head,
followed by a nondescript-looking militaire with'fierce
mustachios, in shining jack-boots, white leathers, and
a sort of Italian military cloak, with one side thrown
over the shoulder, to exhibit the wearer's leg, and the
bright scabbard of a large sword, while on the hero's
left arm hung a splendidly-dressed woman. "What
a figure ! " said the Yorkshireman to himself, as they
came before him, and he took another good stare —
" Yet, stay — no, impossible ! — Gracious Heaven ! it
can't be — and yet it is — by Jove, it's Jorrocks ! "
"Why, now, you old imbecile," cried he, jumping
off his chair and running up to him, " what are you
after ? " bursting into a loud laugh, as he looked at
Mr, Jorrocks's mustachios (a pair of great false ones).
"Is there no piece of tomfoolery too great for you?
What's come across you now ? Where the deuce did
you get these things ? " taking hold of the curls at one
side of his mustachios.
"How now?" roared Mr. Jorrocks, with rage and
astonishment. " How now ! ye young scaramouch,
vot do you mean by insulting a gentleman sportsman
in broad daylight, in the presence of a lady of quality ?
By Jingo," added he, his eyes sparkling with rage, " if
you are not off before I can say ' dumpling,' I'll run
you through the gizzard and give your miserable
carcass to the dogs," suiting the action to the word,
and groping under his cloak for the hilt of his sword.
— A crowd collected, and the Yorkshireman, per-
ceiving symptoms of a scene, slunk out of the melde,
and Mr. Jorrocks, after an indignant shake or two of
his feathers and curl of his mustachios, pursued his
course up the gardens.
This was the first time they had met since their
arrival, which was above a week before ; indeed, it
was nine days, for the landlord of the house where
o
o
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS i
/3
the Yorkshireman lived had sent his " Httlc bill " two
days before this, it being an established rule of his
house, and one which was conspicuously posted in
all the rooms, that the bills were to be settled weekly ;
and Mr. Stubbs had that very morning observed that
the hat of Monsieur I'Hote was not raised half so high
from his head, nor his body inclined so much towards
the ground as it was wont to be, — a pretty significant
hint that he wanted his cash. Now the Yorkshire-
man, among his other accomplishments, had a turn
for play, and unfortunately had been at the Salon the
night before, when, after a continuous run of ill luck,
he came away twelve francs below the amount of the
hotel-keeper's bill, consequently a rumpus with Mr.
Jorrocks could not have taken place at a more unfor-
tunate moment. Thinking, however, a good night's
rest or two might settle him down, and put all matters
right, he let things alone until the Tuesday following,
when again finding Monsieur's little " memoire " on
one side of his coflee-cup, and a framed copy of the
"rules and regulations" of the house on the other, he
felt constrained to take some decisive step towards
its liquidation. Accordingly, having breakfasted, he
combed his hair straight over his face, and, putting
on a very penitential look, called a cab, and desired
the man to drive him to the Rue des Mauvais-
Garc^ons. After zigzagging, twisting, and turning
about in various directions, they at last jingled to the
end of a very narrow, dirty-looking street, whose
unswept pavement had not been cheered by a ray of
sunshine since the houses were built. It was exces-
sively narrow, and there were no flags on either side ;
but through the centre ran a dribbling stream, here
and there obstructed by oyster-shells, or vegetable
refuse, as the water had served as a plaything for
children, or been stopped by servants for domestic
purposes. The street being extremely old, of course
the houses were very large, forming, as all houses do
176 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
in Paris, little squares entered by folding doors, at
one side of which, in a sort of lodge, lives the porter
— " Parlez au portier" — who receives letters, parcels,
and communications for the several occupiers, con-
sisting sometimes of twenty or thirty different estab-
lishments in one house. From this functionary may
be learned the names of the different tenants.
Having dismissed his cab, the Yorkshireman entered
the first gateway on his left, to take the chance of
gaining some intelligence of the Countess. The
porter — a cobbler by trade — was hammering away,
last on knee, at the sole of a shoe, and, with a grin
on his countenance, informed the Yorkshireman that
the Countess lived next door but one. A thrill of
fear come over him on finding himself so near the
residence of his indignant friend, but it was of
momentary duration, and he soon entered the court-
yard of No, 3 — where he was directed by an unshaved,
grisly-looking porter, to proceed " au troisihne" and
ring the bell at the door on the right-hand side.
Obedient to his directions, the Yorkshireman pro-
ceeded to climb a wide but dirty stone staircase, with
carved and gilded balusters, whose wall and steps had
known no water for many years, and at length found
himself on the landing opposite the very apartment
which contained the redoubtable Jorrocks. Here he
stood for a few seconds, breathing and cooling him-
self after his exertions, during which time he pictured
to himself the worthy citizen immersed in papers,
deeply engaged in the preparation of his France in
three volumes, and wished that the first five minutes
of their interview was over. At length he mustered
courage to grasp a greasy-looking red tassel, and give
a gentle tinkle to the bell. The door was quickly-
opened by Agamemnon in dirty loose trousers and
slippers, and without a coat. He recognized his
fellow-traveller, and, in answer to his inquiry if
Monsieur Jorrocks was at home, grinned and
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 177
answered, " Oh oui, certainement, Monsieur le Colonel
Jorrockes est ici," and motioned him to come in.
The Yorkshireman entered the httle ante-room — a
sort of scullery, full of mops, pans, dirty shoes,
dusters, candlesticks — and the first thing that caught
his eye was Jorrocks's sv,;rd, which Agamemnon had
been burnishing up with sand-paper and leather, lying
on a table before the window. This was not very
encouraging, but Agamemnon gave no time for re-
flection, and, opening half a light salmon-coloured
folding door directly opposite the one by which he
entered, the Yorkshireman passed through unan-
nounced, and unperceived by Mr. Jorrocks or the
Countess, who were completely absorbed in a game
of dominoes, sitting on opposite sides of a common
deal table, whose rose-coloured silk cover was laid over
the back of a chair. Jorrocks was sitting on a stool
with his back to the door, and the Countess being
very intent on the game, Mr. Stubbs had time for a
hasty survey of the company and apartment before
she looked up. It was about one o'clock, and of
course she was still en deshabille^ with her nightcap
on, a loose robe de chambre of flannel, and a flaming
broad-striped red-and-black Scotch shawl thrown over
her shoulders, and swan's-down lined slippers on her
feet. Mr. Jorrocks had his leather pantaloons on,
with a rich blue and yellow brocade dressing-gown,
and blue morocco slippers to match. His jack-boots,
to which he had added a pair of regimental heel-
spurs, were airing before a stove, which contained the
dying embers of a small log. The room was low, and
contained the usual allowance of red figured velvet-
cushioned chairs, with brass nails ; the window
curtains were red-and-white on rings and gilded rods ;
a secretaire stood against one of the walls, and there
was a large mirror above the marble mantelpiece,
which supported a clock surmounted by a flying
Cupid, and two vases of artificial flowers covered with
12
178 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
glass, on one of which was placed an elegant bonnet
of the newest and most approved fashion. The floor,
of highly-polished oak, was strewed about with play-
bills, slippers, curl-papers, boxes, cards, dice, ribbons,
dirty handkerchiefs, etc. ; and on one side of the
deal table was a plate containing five well-picked
mutton-chop bones, and hard by lay Mr. Jorrocks's
mustachios and a dirty small-tooth comb.
Just as the Yorkshireman had got thus far in his
survey, the Countess gave the finishing stroke to the
game, and Mr. Jorrocks, jumping up in a rage, gave
his leathers such a slap as sent a cloud of pipeclay
flying into his face. " Vous avez the devil's own
luck ! " exclaimed he, repeating the blow, when, to
avoid the cloud, he turned short round, and encoun-
tered the Yorkshireman.
"How now?" roared he at the top of his voice,
"who sent for you? Have you come here to insult
me in my ozvn house ? I'll lay my soul to an 'oss-
shoe, I'll be too many for ye ! Where's my sword ? "
"Now, my good Mr. Jorrocks," replied the York-
shireman, very mildly, "pray don't put yourself into
a passion — consider the lady, and don't let us have
any unpleasantness in Madame la Duchesse Benvolio's
house," making her a very low bow as he spoke, and
laying his hand on his heart.
" D — n your displeasancies ! " roared Jorrocks,
"and that's swearhig — a thing I've never done since
my brother Joe fobbed me of my bottom piece of
muffin. Out with you, I say ! Out with ye ! you're
a nasty dirty blackguard, I'm done with you for ever.
I detest the sight of you, and hate ye afresh every
time I see you !"
" Doucement, mon cher Colonel," interposed the
Countess, "ve sail play anoder game, and you sail
had von better chance," clapping him on the back as
she spoke. "I von't\" bellowed Jorrocks; "turn
this chap out first, I'll do it myself. H' Agamemnon !
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 179
H' Agamemnon ! happortez my sword ! bring my
sword ! tout suite, directly ! "
" Police ! Police ! Police ! " screamed the Countess
out of the window ; " Police ! Police ! Police ! "
bellowed Agamemnon from the next one ; " Police !
Police ! Police ! " re-echoed the grisly porter down
below ; and before they had time to reflect on what
had passed, a sergeant's file of the National Guard
had entered the hotel, mounted the stairs, and taken
possession of the apartment. The sight of the soldiers
with their bright bayonets, all fixed and gleaming as
they were, cooled Mr. Jorrocks's courage in an instant,
and, after standing a few seconds in petrified astonish-
ment, he made a dart at his jack-boots and bolted out
of the room. The Countess Benvolio then unlocked
her secretaire, in which was a plated liqueur-stand with
bottles and glasses, out of which she poured the
sergeant three, and the privates two glasses each of
pure eau-de-vie, after which Agamemnon showed them
the top of the stairs.
In less than ten minutes all was quiet again, and
the Yorkshireman was occupying Mr. Jorrocks's stool.
The Countess then began putting things a little in
order, adorned the deal table with the rose-coloured
cover — before doing which she swept off Mr. Jorrocks's
mustachios, and thrust a dirty white handkerchief and
the small-tooth comb under the cushion of a chair, —
while Agamemnon carried away the plate with the
bones. " Ah, le pauvre Colonel," said the Countess,
eyeing the bones as they passed, " he sail be von grand
homme to eat — him eat toujours — all day long. Oh,
him mange beaucoup — beaucoup — beaucoup. He is
von vare amiable man, but he sail not be moch
patience. I guess he sail be var^ rich — n'est-ce
pas ? have many guinea ? — He say he keep beaucoup
des chiens — many dogs for the hont — he sail be vot
dey call rom customer (rum customer) in Angleterre,
I think.'*
i8o JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Thus she went rattling on, telling the Yorkshireman
all sorts of stories about the pauvre Colonel, whom she
seemed ready to change for a younger piece of goods
with a more moderate appetite ; and finding Mr.
Stubbs more complaisant than he had been in the
diligence, she concluded by proposing that he should
accompany the Colonel and herself to a soir^e-
dansante that evening at a friend of hers, another
Countess, in the " Rue des Bon-Enfants."
Being disengaged as usual, he at once assented, on
condition that the Countess would effect a reconcilia-
tion between Mr. Jorrocks and himself, for which
purpose she at once repaired to his room, and
presently re-appeared arm and arm with our late
outrageously indignant hero. The Colonel had
been occupying his time at the toilette, and was
en grand costume — finely cleaned leathers, jack boots
and brass spurs, with a spic and span new blue
military frock-coat, hooking and eyeing up to the
chin, all covered with braid, frogs, tags, and buttons.
" Dere be von beau gar^on ! " exclaimed the
Countess, turning him round after having led him
into the middle of the room — "dat habit does fit
you like vax." " Yes," replied Mr. Jorrocks, raising
his arms as though he were going to take flight, " but
it is rather tight — partiklarly round the waist —
shouldn't like to dine in it. What do you think of
it?" — turning round and addressing the Yorkshire-
man as if nothing had happened — "suppose you
get one like it?" "Do," rejoined the Countess,
" and some of the other things — vot you call them.
Colonel?" " What— breeches ? " "Yes, breeches
— but the Oder name — vot you call dem?" "Oh,
leathers ?" replied Mr. Jorrocks. "No, no, another
name still." " I know no other. Pantaloons,
perhaps you mean ? " " No, no, not pantaloons."
"Not pantaloons? — then I know of nothing else.
You don't mean those sacks of things, called
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS i8i
trousers?" taking hold of the Yorkshireman's.
"No, no, not trousers." "Then, really, my lady,
I don't know any other name." " Oh, yes, Colonel,
you know the things I intend. Vot is it you call
Da\i\ in Angleterre ?" "Oh, we have lots of names
for him — Old Nick, for instance." "Old Nick
breeches," said the Countess, thoughtfully ; " no, dat
sail not be it— vot else?" "Old Harry?" replied
Mr. Jorrocks. "Old Harry breeches," repeated the
Countess in the hopes of catching the name by
the ear — "no, nor dat either, encore anoder name.
Colonel." "Old Scratch, then?" "Old Scratch
breeches," re-echoed the Countess — " no dat shall
not do." "Beelzebub?" rejoined Mr. Jorrocks.
"Beelzebub breeches," repeated the Countess —
"nor dat." "Satan, then," said Mr. Jorrocks.
" Oui, oui ! " responded the Countess with delight,
" S3.ta?i ! black satan breeches — you shall von pair
of black sat^n breeches, like the Colonel."
"And the Colonel will pay for them, I presume?"
said the Yorkshireman, looking at Mr. Jorrocks.
" I carn't," said Mr. Jorrocks in an undertone ;
" I'm nearly cleaned out, and shall be in Shorfs
gardens before I know where I am, unless I hold
better cards this evening than I've done yet. Some-
how or other, these French are rather too sharp for
me, and I've been down upon my luck ever since I
came. Lose every night, in fact, and then they are
so werry anxious for me to have my rewenge, as they
call it, that they make parties expressly for me every
evening ; but, instead of getting my rewenge, I only
lose more and more money. They seem to me always
to turn up the king, whenever they want him. To-
night we are going to a Countess's of werry great
consequence, and, as you know dcarte well, I'll back
your play, and, perhaps, we may do something between
us."
This being all arranged, Mr. Stubbs took his
i82 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
departure, and Mr. Jorrocks having girded on his
sword, and the Countess having made her morning
toilette, they proceeded to their daily promenade in
the Tuileries gardens.
A little before nine that evening, the Yorkshireman
again found himself toiling up the dirty staircase, and,
on reaching the third landing, was received by
Agamemnon in a roomy uniform of a chasseur —
dark green and tarnished gold, with a cocked hat
and black feather, and a couteau de chasse, slung
by a shining patent-leather belt over his shoulder.
The opening of the inner door displayed the worthy
Colonel sitting at his ease, with his toes on each side
of the stove (for the evenings had begun to get cool),
munching the last bit of crust of the fifth perigord pie
that the Countess had got him to buy. He was ex-
tremely smart : thin black gauze-silk stockings, black
satin breeches; well -washed, well - starched white
waistcoat with a rolling collar, showing an amplitude
of frill ; a blue coat with yellow buttons and a velvet
collar, while his pumps shone as bright as polished
steel.
The Countess presently sidled into the room, all
smirks and smiles as dressy ladies generally are when
well "got up." Rouge and the milliner had effect-
ually reduced her age from five-and-forty down to
five-and-twenty. She wore a dress of the palest pink
satin, with lilies of the valley in her hair, and an
exquisitely wrought gold armlet, with a most Liliputian
watch in the centre.
Mr. Jorrocks having finished his pic-crust, and
stuck on his mustachios, the Countess blew out her
"bougies," and the trio, preceded by Agamemnon
with a lanthorn in his hand, descended the stairs,
whose greasy, muddy steps contrasted strangely with
the rich delicacy of the Countess's beautifully slippered
feet. Having handed them into the voiture, Agamem-
non mounted up behind, and in less than ten minutes
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 183
they rumbled into the spacious courtyard of the
Countess de Jackson, in the Rue des Bons-Enfants,
and drew up beneath a lofty arch at the foot of a
long flight of dirty black-and-white marble stairs,
about the centre of which was stationed a " lacquey
de place " to show the company up to the ball. The
Countess de Jackson (the wife of an English horse-
dealer) lived in an efitre-sol au troisihne, but the hotel
being of considerable dimensions, her apartment was
much more spacious than the Countess Benvolio's.
Indeed, the Countess de Jackson, being a " marchande
des modes," had occasion for greater accommodation,
and she had five low rooms, whereof the centre one
was circular, from which four others, consisting of an
ante-room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a "salle k
manger," radiated.
Agamemnon having opened the door of the fiacre,
the Countess Benvolio took the Yorkshireman's arm,
and at once proceeded to make the ascent, leaving
the Colonel to settle the fare, observing, as they
mounted the stairs, that he was "von exceeding
excellent man, but var^ slow."
" Madame la Comtesse Benvolio and Monsieur
Stoops ! " cried the " lacquey de place," as they reached
the door of the low ante-room, where the Countess
Benvolio deposited her shawl, and took a final look
at herself in the glass. She again took the Yorkshire-
man's arm and entered the round ballroom, which,
though low and out of all proportion, had an exceed-
ingly gay appearance, from the judicious arrangement
of the numerous lights, reflected in costly mirrors,
and the simple elegance of the crimson drapery,
festooned with flowers and evergreens against the
gilded walls. Indeed, the hotel had been the
residence of an ambassador before the first revolu-
tion, and this entresol had formed the private apart-
ment of his Excellency. The door immediately
opposite the one by which they entered, led into
i84 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the Countess de Jackson's bedroom, which was also
lighted up, with the best furniture exposed, and her
toilette-table set out with numberless scent bottles,
vases, trinkets, and knick-knacks, while the "salle h
manger" was converted into a card-room. Having
been presented in due form to the hostess, the
Yorkshireman and his new friend stood surveying
the gay crowd of beautiful and well-dressed women,
large-frilled and well-whiskered men, all chatting, and
bowing, and dancing, when a half-suppressed titter
that ran through the room attracted their attention,
and turning round, Mr. Jorrocks was seen poking
his way through the crowd with a number of straws
sticking to his feet, giving him the appearance of a
feathered Mercury. The fact was, that Agamemnon
had cleaned his shoes with the liquid varnish (French
polish), and forgetting to dry it properly, the carrying
away half the straw from the bottom of the fiacre was
the consequence, and Mr. Jorrocks having paid the
Jehu rather short, the latter had not cared to tell him
about it.
The straws were, however, soon removed without
interruption to the gaiety of the evening. Mr.
Stubbs, of course, took an early opportunity of
waltzing with the Countess Benvolio, who, as all
French women are, was an admirable dancer, and
Jorrocks stood by fingering and curling his mus-
tachios, admiring her movements, but apparently
rather jealous of the Yorkshireman. " I wish," said
he, after the dance was over, "that you would sit
down at ^cart(5, and let us try to win some of these
mouncheers' tin, for I'm nearly cleaned out. Let us
go into the card-room, but first let us see if we
can find anything in the way of nourishment, for
I begin to be hungry. Garsoon," said he, catching a
servant with a tray full of eau sucre glasses, "avez-
vous kickshaws to eat?" putting his finger in his
mouth — " ge wouderay some refreshment." " Oh oui,"
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 185
replied the gar^on, taking him to an open window
overlooking the courtyard, and extending his hand in
the air, " voila, monsieur, de tres bon rafraichisse-
ment."
The ball proceeded with the utmost decorum, for
though composed of shopkeepers and such like, there
was nothing in their dress or manner to indicate
anything but the best possible breeding. Jorrocks,
indeed, fancied himself in the very elite of French
society, and but for a little incident would have
remained of that opinion. In an unlucky moment he
took it into his head he could waltz, and surprised
the Countess Benvolio by claiming her hand for the
next dance. " It seems werry easy," said he to
himself, as he eyed the couples gliding round the
room; — "at all ewents there's nothing like trying,
* for he who never makes an effort never risks a
failure.'" The couples were soon formed and
ranged for a fresh dance. Jorrocks took a con-
spicuous position in the centre of the room, buttoned
his coat, and as the music struck up put his arm
round the waist of his partner. The Countess, it
seems, had some misgivings as to his prowess in the
dancing line, and used all her strength to get him
well off, but the majority of the dancers started before
him. At length, however, he began to move, and
went rolling away in something between a gallop and
a waltz, effecting two turns, like a great cart-wheel,
which brought him bang across the room, right into
the track of another couple, who were s\\inging down
at full speed, making a cannon with his head against
both theirs, and ending by all four coming down
upon the hard boards with a tremendous crash — the
Countess Benvolio undermost, then the partner of
the other Countess, then Jorrocks, and then the
other Countess herself. Great was the commotion,
and the music stopped ; Jorrocks lost his wig, and
split his Beelzebub breeches across the knees, while
i86 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the other gentleman cracked his behind — and the
Countess Benvolio and the other Countess were con-
siderably damaged ; particularly the other Countess,
who lost four false teeth and broke an ear-ring.
This, however, was not the worst, for as soon as they
were all scraped together and set up right again, the
other Countess's partner attacked Jorrocks most
furiously, calling him a sacr^-noni-de-Dieu'd bete of
an Englishman, a mauvais sujet, a cochon, etc., etc.,
then spitting on the floor — the greatest insult a
Frenchman can offer — he vapoured about being one
of the "grand nation," "that he was brave — the
world knew it," and concluded by thrusting his
card — " Monsieur Charles Adolphe Eugene, Con-
fiturier. No. 15 bis, Rue Poupee " — into Jorrocks's
face.
It was now Jorrocks's turn to speak, so doubling
his fists, and getting close to him, he held one to his
nose, exclaiming, "D — n ye, sir, je suis — Jorrocks
— Je suis an Englishman ! je vous lick within an inch
of your life ! — Je vous kick ! — Je vous mill ! — je vous
flabbergaster ! " and concluded by giving him his
card, " Monsieur le Colonel Jorrocks No. 3, Rue des
Mauvais-Gargons."
A friend of the confectioner's interposed and got
him away, and Mr. Stubbs persuaded Mr. Jorrocks
to retire into the card-room, where they were speedily
waited upon by the friend of the former, who
announced that the Colonel must make an apology
or fight, for he said, although Jorrocks was a
" Colonel Anglais," still Monsieur Eugene was of the
Legion of Honour, and consequently, very brave and
not to be insulted with impunity. All this the York-
shireman interpreted to Mr. Jorrocks, who was most
anxious to fight, and wished it was light that they
might go to work immediately. Mr. Stubbs there-
fore told the confectioner's friend (who was also his
foreman), that the Colonel would fight him with
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 187
pistols at six o'clock in the Bois de Boulogne, but no
sooner was the word " pistols " mentioned than the
friend exclaimed, with a grimace and shrug of his
shoulders, " Oh, horror, no ! Monsieur Adolphe is
brave, but he will not touch pistols — they are not the
weapons of his country." Jorrocks then proposed to
fight him with broadswords, but this the confectioner's
foreman declined on behalf of his principal, and at
last the Colonel suggested that they could not do
better than fight it out with fists. Now, the con-
fectioner was ten years younger than Jorrocks, tall,
long-armed, and not over-burdened with flesh, and
had moreover taken lessons of Harry Hammer, when
that worthy had his school in Paris, so he thought
the offer was a good one, and immediately closed
with it. Jorrocks, too, had been a patron of the
prize-ring, having studied under Bill Richmond, the
man of colour, and was reported to have exhibited in
early life (incog.) with a pugilist of some pretensions
at the Fives Court ; so, all things considered, fists
seemed a very proper mode of settling the matter,
and that being agreed upon, each party quitted the
Countess de Jackson's — the confectioner putting
forth all manner of high-flown ejaculations and
prayers for success, as he groped about the ante-room
for his hat, and descended the stairs. " O God of
war!" said he, throwing up his hands, "who guided
the victorious army of this grand nation in Egypt,
when, from the pyramids, forty centuries beheld our
actions — O brilliant sun, who shone upon our armies
at Jaffa, at Naples, Montebello, Marengo, Austerlitz,
Jena, and Algiers, who blessed our endeavours, who
knowest that we are brave — brave as a hundred lions
— look down on Charles Adolphe Eugene, and
enable him to massacre and immolate on the altar of
his wrath, this sacre-nom-de-Dieu'd beastly hog of an
Englishman " — and thereupon he spit upon the flags
with all the venom of a viper.
i8S JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Jorrocks, too, indulged in a few figures of speech,
as he poked his way home, though of a different
description. " Now blister my kidneys," said he,
slapping his thigh, "but I'll sarve him out! I'll
baste him as Randall did ugly Borrock. I'll knock
him about as Belcher did the Big Ikey Pigg. I'll
damage his mug as Turner did Scroggins'. I'll fib
him till he's as black as Agamemnon — for I do feel as
though I could fight a few."
The massive folding doors of the Porte-Cocher at
the Hotel d'Hollande had not received their morning
opening, when a tremendous loud, long-protracted
rat-tat-tat-tat-tan sounded like thunder throughout the
extensive square, and brought numerous night-capped
heads to the windows, to see whether the hotel was
on fire, or another revolution had broken out. The
maitre d'hotel screamed, the porter ran, the chef de
cuisine looked out of his pigeon-hole window, and
the gargons and male femme des chambres rushed
into the yard, with fear and astonishment depicted on
their countenances, when, on peeping through the
grating of the little door, Mr. Jorrocks was descried,
knocker in hand, about to sound a second edition.
Now, nothing is more offensive to the nerves of a
Frenchman than a riotous knock, and the impertin-
ence was not at all mitigated by its proceeding from
a stranger who appeared to have arrived through the
undignified medium of a co-cou.^ Having scanned
his dimensions and satisfied himself that, notwith-
standing all the noise, Jorrocks was mere mortal man,
the porter unbolted the door, and commenced a loud
and energetic tirade of abuse against " Monsieur
Anglais," for his audacious thumping, which he swore
was enough to make every man of the National
Guard rush " to arms."
^ Co-cous are nondescript vehicles that ply in the environs of
Paris. They are a sort of cross between a cab and a young
diligence.
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 189
In the midst of the torrent, very little of which
Mr. Jorrocks understood, the Yorkshireman appeared,
whom he hurried into the "co-cou," bundled in after
him, cried "-alley!'' to the driver, and off they jolted
at a miserable slow trot. A little before seven they
reached the village of Passy, where it was arranged
they should meet and proceed from thence to the
Bois de Boulogne, to select a convenient place for
the fight ; but neither the confectioner nor his second,
nor anyone on his behalf, was visible, and they
walked the length and breadth of the village, making
every possible inquiry without seeing or hearing any-
thing of them. At length, having waited a couple
of hours, Mr. Jorrocks's appetite overpowered his
desire for revenge, and caused him to retire to the
Chapeau-Rouge to indulge in a "fork breakfast."
Nature being satisfied, he called for pen and ink,
and with the aid of Mr. Stubbs drew up the follow-
ing proclamation, which to this day remains posted in
the salle k manger, a copy whereof was transmitted
by post to the confectioner at Paris : —
" Proclamation !
"I, John Jorrocks, of Great Coram Street, in the
County of Middlesex, Member of the Surrey Hunt,
in England, and Colonel of the army when I'm in
France, having been grossly insulted by Charles-
Adolphe Eugene of No. 15 bis. Rue Poupee, Confec-
tioner, this day repaired to Passy, with the intention
of sarving him out with my fists ; but, neither he nor
anyone for him having come to the scratch, I, John
Jorrocks, do hereby proclaim the said Charles
Adolphe Eugene to be a shabby fellow and no
soldier, and totally unworthy the notice of a fox-
hunter and a gentleman sportsman.
"(Signed) John Jorrocks.
"(Countersigned) Stubbs."
igo JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
This being completed, and the bill paid, they
returned leisurely on foot to Paris, looking first at
one object, then at another, so that the Countess
Benvolio's dinner-hour was passed ere they reached
the Tuileries gardens, where after resting themselves
until it began to get dusk, and their appetites returned,
they repaired to the Cafe da Paris to destroy them
again. The lofty well-gilded salon was just lighted
up, and the numberless lamps reflected in costly
mirrors in almost every partition of the wall, aided by
the graceful figures and elegant dresses of the ladies,
interspersed among the sombre-coated gentry with here
and there the gay uniforms of the military, imparted
a fairy air to the scene, which was not a little
heightened by the contrast produced by Mr, Jorrocks's
substantial figure stumping through the centre with
his hat on his head, his hands behind his back, and
the dust of the day hanging about his Hessians.
" Gsixsoon" said he, hanging up his hat, and taking
his place at a vacant table laid for two, "ge wouderai
some wittles," and, accordingly, the spruce-jacketed,
white-aproned gar(;on brought him the usual red-
backed book with gilt edges, cut and lettered at the
side, like the index to a ledger, and, as Mr. Jorrocks
said, "containing reading enough for a month."
"Quel potage voulez-vous, monsieur?" inquired the
gargon at last, tired of waiting while he studied the
carte and looked the words out in the dictionary.
"Avez-vous any potted lobster?" "Non," said the
gargon, " potage au vermicelle, au riz, h. la Julienne,
consomm^, et potage aux choux." " Old shoe ! who
the devil do you think eats old shoes here ? Have
you any mock-turtle or gravy soup?" "Non,
monsieur," said the gargon, with a shrug of the
shoulders. "Then avez-vous any roast beef?"
"Non, monsieur; nous avons boeuf au naturel —
bceuf k la sauce piquante — boeuf aux cornichons —
bceuf ^ la mode — bceuf aux choux — boeuf ^ la sauce
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 191
tomate — bifteck aux pommes des terres." " Hold
hard," said Jorrocks ; " I've often heard that you can
dress an egg a thousand ways, and I want to hear no
more about it ; bring me a beef-steak and pomme de
terres for three." " Stop ! " cried Mr. Stubbs, with
dismay — "I see you don't understand ordering a
dinner in France — let me teach you. Where's the
carte?" "Here," said Mr. Jorrocks, "is the 'bill of
lading,' " handing over the book. " Gar(^on, apportez
une douzaine des huitres, un citron, et du beurre
frais," said the Yorkshireman, and, while they were
discussing the propriety of eating them before or after
the soup, a beautiful dish of little green oysters made
their appearance, which were encored before the first
supply was finished. " Now, Colonel," said the
Yorkshireman, " take a bumper of Chablis," lifting a
pint bottle out of the cooler. " It has had one plunge
in the ice-pail and no more — see what a delicate rind
it leaves on the glass ! " — eyeing it as he spoke.
"Aye, but I'd rayther it should leave something in
the mouth than on the side of the glass," replied Mr.
Jorrocks; "I loves a good strong, generous wine —
military port, in fact — but here comes fish and soup —
wot are they ? " " Filet de sole au gratin, et potage au
macaroni avec fromage de Parmesan. I'll take fish
first, because the soup will keep hot longest." " So will
I," said Mr. Jorrocks, "for I think you understand the
thing — but they seem to give werry small penn'orths
— it really looks like trifling with one's appetite — I
likes the old joint — the cut-and-come-again system,
such as we used to have at Sugden's, in Cornhill — •
joint, wegitables, and cheese, all for two shillings."
" Don't talk of your joints here," rejoined the
Yorkshireman — " I told you before, you don't under-
stand the art of eating — the dexterity of the thing
consists in titivating the appetite with delicate morsels
so as to prolong the pleasure. A well-regulated
French dinner lasts two hours, whereas you go off at
192 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
score, and take the shine out of yourself before you
turn the Tattenham Corner of your appetite. But
come, take another glass of Chablis, for your voice is
husky as though your throat was full of dust. Will
you eat some of this boulli-vert ? " " No, not no
bouleward for me, thank ye." "Well, then, we will
have the 'entre' de boeuf — beef with sauce tomate —
and there is a cotelette de veau en papilotte ; which
will you take ? " I'll trouble the beef, I think ; I don't
like that ere pantaloon cutlet much, the skin is so
tough." " Oh, but you don't eat the paper, man ; that
is only put on to keep this nice layer of fat ham from
melting ; take some, if it is only that you may enjoy a
glass of champagne after it. There is no meat like veal
for paving the way for a glass of champagne." " Well, I
don't care if I do, now you have explained how to eat
it, for I've really been troubled with indigestion all
day from eating one wholesale yesterday; but don't
you stand potatoes — pommes des /erres, as we say in
France!" '"Oh, yes, fried, and h. la maitre d'hotel;
here they come, smoking hot. Now, J., for a glass of
champagne — take it out of the pail — nay, man ! not
with both hands round the middle, unless you like it
warm — by the neck, so," showing him how to do it,
and pouring him out a glass of still champagne. " This
won't do," said Jorrocks, holding it up to the candle ;
" garsoon ! garsoon 1 — no good — no bon — no fizzay,
no fizzay," giving the bottom of the bottle a slap to
rouse it. " Oh, but this is still champagne," explained
the Yorkshireman, " and far the best." " I don't think
so," retorted Mr. Jorrocks, emptying the glass into his
water-stand. " Well, then, have a bottle of the other,"
rejoined the Yorkshireman, ordering one. "And
who's to pay for it?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks. "Oh,
never mind that — care killed the cat — give a loose to
pleasure for once, for it's a poor heart that never
rejoices. Here it comes, and ' may you never know
what it is to want,' as the beggar boys say. Now,
MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS 193
let's see you treat it like a philosopher — the wire is
off, so you've nothing to do but cut the string, and
press the cork on one side with your thumb — Nay !
you've cut both sides ! " fizz — pop — bang, and away
went the cork close past the ear of an old deaf general,
and bounded against the wall. " Come, there's no
mischief done, so pour out the wine. Your good
health, old boy, may you live for a thousand years,
and I be there to count them ! Now, that's what I
call good," observed the Yorkshireman, holding up
his glass, " see how it dulls the glass, even to the rim
— champagne isn't worth a copper unless it's iced —
is it, Colonel ? " " Vy, I don't know — I carn't say I
like it so werry cold ; it makes my teeth chatter, and
cools my courage as it gets below — champagne
certainly gives one werry gentlemanly ideas, but for a
continuance, I don't know but I should prefer mild
h'ale." " You're right, old boy, it does give one very
gentlemanly ideas, so take another glass, and you'll
fancy yourself an emperor. Your good health again."
" The same to you, sir. And now what do you call
this chap ? " " That is a quail the other a snipe —
which will you take ? " " Vy, a bit of both, I think ;
and do you eat these chaps with them ? " " Yes,
nothing nicer — artichokes h la sauce blanche ; you
get the real eating part, you see, by having them sent
up this way, instead of like haystacks, as they come in
England, diving and burning your fingers amid an
infinity of leaves." "They are werry pretty eating, I
must confess ; and this upper Binjimin of ham the
birds are cooked in is delicious. I'll trouble you for
another plateful." "That's right. Colonel, you are
yourself again ; I always thought you would come
back into the right course. And now you are good
for a glass of claret of light Hermitage. Come, buck
up, and give a loose to pleasure for once." " For
once, aye, that's what you always say ; but your once
comes so werry often." " Say no more. Gargon !
13
194 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Une demi-bouteille de St. Julien ; and here, J., is a
dish upon which I will stake my credit as an ex-
perienced caterer — a Charlotte de pommes — upon my
reputation it is a fine one, the crust is browned to a
turn, and the rich apricot sweetmeat lies ensconced in
the middle, like a sleeping babe in its cradle. If ever
man deserved a peerage and a pension, it is this cook."
" It's werry delicious— order another." " Oh, your
eyes are bigger than your stomach, Mr. J. Accord-
ing to all mathematical calculation this will more than
suffice. Aye, I thought so — you are regularly at a
standstill. Take a glass of whatever you like. Good
— I'll drink Chablis to your champagne. And now,
that there may be no mistake as to our country, we will
have some cheese — fromage de Roquefort, Gruyere,
Neufchatel, or whatever you like, and a beaker of
Burgundy after, and then remove the cloth, for I hate
dabbling in dowlas after dinner is done."
SPORTING IN FRANCE
" "D UM beggars, these French," said Mr. Jorrocks to
J-^ himself, laying down the newspaper and taking
a sip of Churchman's chocolate, as on the Sunday morn-
ing he sat with the Countess Benvolio, discussing rolls
and butter, with Ga/ignani's Messetiger, for breakfast.
"Rum beggars, indeed," said he, resuming the
paper, and reading the programme of the amusements
for the day, commencing with the hour of Protestant
service at the Ambassador's chapel, followed on by
Palace and Gallery of Pictures of the Palais Royal —
Review with Military Music in the Place du Carousel
— Horse-races in the Champs de Mars — Fete in the
Park of St. Cloud — Combat d'Animaux, that is to
say, dog-fighting and bull-baiting, at the Barri^re du
Combat, Tivoli, etc., etc. " It's not werry right, but
I suppose at Rome we must do as Romans do," with
which comfortable reflection Mr. Jorrocks proposed
that the Countess and he should go to the races.
Madame was not partial to animals of any description,
but having got a new hat and feathers, she consented
to show them, on condition that they adjourned to the
fete at St. Cloud in the evening.
Accordingly, about noon, the ostler's man of a
neighbouring English livery stable drew up a dark-
coloured job cab, with a red-and-white striped calico
lining, drawn by a venerable long-backed white horse,
at the Countess's gateway in the Rue des Mauvais-
Gar^ons, into which Mr. Jorrocks having handed her
ladyship, and Agamemnon, who was attired in his
chasseur uniform, having climbed up behind, the old
horse, after two or three flourishes of his dirty white
tail, as a sort of acknowledgement of the whip on his
196
196 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
sides, got himself into motion, and proceeded on his
way to the races. The Countess, being resolved to
cut a dash, had persuaded our hero to add a smart
second-hand cocked hat, with a flowing red-and-white
feather, to the rest of his military attire ; and the end of
a scarlet handkerchief, peeping out at the breast of
his embroidered frock-coat, gave him the appearance
of wearing a decoration, and procured him the usual
salute from the soldiers and veterans of the Hospital
of Invalids, who were lounging about the ramparts and
walks of the edifice. The Countess's costume was
simple and elegant; a sky-blue satin pelisse with boots
to match, and a white satin bonnet with white feathers
tipped with blue, and delicate primrose-coloured gloves.
Of course the head of the cab was well thrown back
to exhibit the elegant inmates to the world.
Great respect is paid to the military in France, as
Mr. Jorrocks found by all the hack cab and fiacre
drivers pulling up and making way for him to pass, as
the old crocodile-backed white horse slowly dragged
its long length to the gateway of the Champ de Mars.
Here the guard, both horse and foot, saluted him,
which he politely acknowledged, under direction of the
Countess, by raising his chapeau bras, and a subaltern
was despatched by the officer in command to conduct
him to the place appointed for the carriages to stand.
But for this piece of attention Mr. Jorrocks would
certainly have drawn up at the splendid building of
the Ecole Militaire, standing as it does like a grand
stand in the centre of the gravelly dusty plain of
Champ de Mars. The officer, having speared his way
through the crowd with the usual courtesy of a French-
man, at length drew up the cab in a long line of
anonymous vehicles under the rows of stunted elms
by the stone-lined ditch, on the southern side of the
plain, when, turning his charger round, he saluted Mr.
Jorrocks, and bumped off at a trot. Mr. Jorrocks then
stuck the pig-driving whip into the socket, and, throw-
SPORTING IN FRANCE 197
ing forward the apron, handed out the Countess, and
installed Agamemnon in the cab.
A fine day and a crowd make the French people
thoroughly happy, and on this afternoon the sun shone
brightly and warmly on the land ; — still there was no
apparently settled purpose for the assembling of the
multitude, who formed themselves in groups upon the
plain, or lined the grass-burnt mounds at the side,
in most independent parties. The Champ de Mars
forms a regular parallelogram of 2700 feet by 1320, and
the course, which is of an oblong form, comprises a
circuit of the whole, and is marked out with strong
posts and ropes. Within the course, equestrians — or
more properly speaking, " men on horseback "—are
admitted under the surveillance of a regiment of
cavalry, while infantry and cavalry are placed in all
directions with drawn swords and fixed bayonets to
preserve order. Being a gravelly, sandy soil, in almost
daily requisition for the exercise and training of troops,
no symptoms of vegetation can be expected, and the
course is as hard as the ride in Rotten Row or up to
Kensington Gardens.
About the centre of the south side, near where the
carriages were drawn up, a few temporary stands were
erected for the royal family and visitors, the stand for
the former being in the centre, and hung with scarlet
and gold cloth, while the others were tastefully arranged
with tri-coloured drapery. These are entered by
tickets only, but there are always plenty of platforms
formed by tables and "chaises a louer" (chairs to let)
for those who don't mind risking their necks for a
sight. Some few itinerants tramped about the plain,
offering alternately tooth-picks, play-bills, and race-lists
for sale. Mr. Jorrocks of course purchased one of the
latter, which was decorated at the top with a woodcut,
representing three jockeys riding two horses, one with
a whip as big as a broadsword. AVe subjoin the list
as a specimen of " Sporting in France " : —
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I S E
200 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Foreigners accuse the English of claiming every
good-looking horse, and every well-built carriage, met
on the continent, as their own, but we think that few
would be ambitious of laying claim to the honour
of supplying France with jockeys or race-horses. Mr.
Jorrocks, indeed, indifferent as he is to the affairs
of the turf, could not suppress his " conwiction " of
the difference between the flibberty-gibberty appear-
ance of the Frenchmen, and the quiet, easy, close-
sitting jockeys of Newmarket. The former all legs
and elbows, spurting and pushing to the front at
starting, in tawdry, faded jackets, and nankeen shorts,
just like the frowsy door - keepers of an Epsom
gambling- booth ; the latter in clean, neat -fitting
leathers, well-cleaned boots, spick and span new
jackets, feeling their horses' mouths, quietly in the
rear, with their whip hands resting on their thighs.
Then such riding ! A hulking Norman with his
knees up to his chin, and a long, lean, half-starved
looking Frenchman set astride like a pair of tongs,
with a wet sponge applied to his knees before starting,
followed by a runaway English stable lad, in white
cords and drab gaiters, and half a dozen others
equally singular, spurring and tearing round and
round, throwing the gravel and sand into each other's
faces, until the field was so separated as to render it
difficult to say which was leading and which was
tailing, for it is one of the rules of their races, that
each heat must be run in a certain time, consequently,
though all the horses may be distanced, the winner
keeps working away. Then what an absence of
interest and enthusiasm on the part of the spectators !
Three-fourths of them did not know where the horses
started, scarcely a man knew their names, and the
few ten penny bets that were made, were sported upon
the colour of the jackets. A Frenchman has no
notion of racing, and it is on record that after a heat
in which the winning horse, after making a waiting
SPORTING IN FRANCE 201
race, ran in at the finish, a Parisian observed, that
" although ' Annette ' had won at the finish, he
thought the greater honour was due to ' Hercule,'
he having kept the lead the greater part of the dis-
tance." On someone explaining to him that the
jockey on "Annette" had purposely made a waiting
race, he was totally incredulous, asserting that he
was sure the jockeys had too much amour propre to
remain in the rear at any part of the race, when they
might be in front.^
"Moderate sport," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself,
curling his mustachios, and jingling a handful of five-
franc pieces in the pocket of his leathers, — " moderate
sport indeed," and therefore he turned his back to the
course and walked the Countess off towards the cab.
From beneath a low, tenth-rate looking booth,
called "The Cottage of Content," supported by poles
placed on the stunted trees of the avenue, and ex-
hibiting on a blue board, "John Jones, dealer in
British beer," in gilt letters, there issued the sound
of voices clamouring about odds and weights and
scales ; and on looking in, a score of ragamuffin-look-
ing grooms, imitation jockeys, and the usual hangers-
on of race-horses and livery-stables, were seen drinking
beer, smoking, playing at cards, dice, and chuck-
farthing. Before the well-patched canvas curtain that
flapped before the entrance, a crowd had collected
round one of the horses which was in the care of five
or six fellows, one to hold him, another to whistle to
him, a third to whisk the flies away with a horse's
tail, a fourth to scrape him, a fifth to rinse his mouth
out, — while the stud-groom, a tall, gaunt, hairy-looking
fellow, in his shirt sleeves, with ear-rings, a blue
apron and trousers (more like a gardener than a
groom), walked round and round with mystified
dignity, sacreing and muttering, " Ne parlez pas, ne
parlez pas," as anyone approached who seemed likely
^ New Sporting Magazine, vol. vii. p. 139.
202 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
to ask questions. Mr. Jorrocks, having well ascer-
tained the importance of his hat and feather, pushed
his way with the greatest coolness into the ring, just
to cast his eye over the horse and see whether he
was fit to go with the Surrey, and the stud-groom
immediately took off his lavender-coloured foraging
cap, and made two profound salaams, one to the
Colonel, the other to the Countess. Mr Jorrocks,
all politeness, took off his chapeau, and no sooner
was it in the air, than with a wild exclamation of
surprise and delight, the groom screamed, "O
Monsieur Shorrock, mon ami comment vous portez-
vous?" threw his arms round the Colonel's neck,
and kissed him on each cheek.
" Hold ! " roared the Colonel, half smothered in
the embrace, and, disengaging himself, he drew back
a few paces, putting his hand on the hilt of his sword,
when in the training groom of Paris he recognized
his friend the Baron of Newmarket. The abruptness
of the incident disarmed Mr. Jorrocks of reflection,
and being a man of impulse and warm affections, he
at once forgave the novelty of the embrace, and most
cordially joined hands with those of his friend. They
then struck up a mixture of broken English, and
equally broken French, in mutual inquiries after each
other's healths and movements, and presuming that
Mr. Jorrocks was following up the sporting trade in
Paris, the Baron most considerately gave him his
best recommendations which horse to back, kindly
betting with him himself, but, unfortunately, at each
time assigning Mr. Jorrocks the losing horse. At
length, being completely cleaned out, he declined
any further transactions, and having got the Countess
into the cab, was in the act of climbing in himself,
when someone took him by the sword as he was
hoisting himself up by the wooden apron, and drew
him back to the ground. " Holloa, Stubbs, my boy ! "
cried he, "I'm werry 'appy to see ye," holding out
SPORTING IN FRANCE 203
his hand, and thereupon Mr. Stubbs took off his hat
to the Countess. " Well, now, the deuce be in these
French," observed Mr. Jorrocks, confidentially, in an
undertone, as, resigning the reins to Agamemnon, he
put his arm through the Yorkshireman's, and drew
out of hearing of the Countess behind the cab — " the
deuce be in them, I say. There's that beggarly Baron
as we met at Newmarket, has just diddled me out
of four naps and a half, by getting me to back 'osses
that he said were certain to win, and I really don't
know how we are to make ' tongue and buckle ' meet,
as the coachmen say. Somehow or other they are
far too sharp for me. Cards, dominoes, dice, back-
gammon, and racing, all one — they inwariably beat
me, and I declare I haven't as much pewter as will
coach me to Calais." The Yorkshireman, as may
be supposed, was not in a condition to offer any
great pecuniary assistance ; but after a turn or two
along the mound, he felt it would be a reproach on
his country, if he suffered his friend to be done by a
Frenchman, and on consideration he thought of a
trick that Monsieur would not be up to. Accordingly
desiring Mr. Jorrocks to take him to the Baron, and
behave with great cordiality, and agree to the proposal
he should make, they set off in search of that worthy,
who, after some trouble, they discovered in the
"Cottage of Content," entertaining John Jones and
his comrades with an account of the manner in which
he had fleeced Monsieur Shorrock. The Yorkshire-
man met him with the greatest delight, shook hands
with him over and over again, and then began talking
about racing, pigeon-shooting, and Newmarket, pre-
tended to be full of money and very anxious for the
Baron's advice in laying it out. On hearing this, the
Baron beckoned him to retire, and joining him in
the avenue, walked him up and down, while he
recommended his backing a horse that was notoriously
amiss. The Yorkshireman consented, lost a nap
204 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
with great good humour, and banteringly told the
Baron he thought he could beat the horse on foot.
This led them to talk of foot-racing, and at last the
Yorkshireman offered to bet that Mr. Jorrocks would
run fifty yards with him on his back before the Baron
would run a hundred. Upon this the Baron scratched
his head and looked very knowing, pretended to
make a calculation, when the Yorkshireman affected
fear, and professed his readiness to withdraw the offer.
The Baron then plucked up his courage, and after
some haggling, the match was made for six naps, the
Yorkshireman reckoning the Baron might have ten
francs in addition to what he had won of Mr. Jorrocks
and himself The money was then deposited in the
hands of the Countess Benvolio, and away went the
trio to the "Cottage of Content," to get men and
ropes to measure and keep the ground. The English
jockeys and lads, though ready enough to pigeon a
countryman themselves, have no notion of assisting
a foreigner to do so, unless they share in the spoil,
and the Baron being a notorious screw, they all
seemed heartily glad to find him in a trap. Out
then they all sallied, amid cheers and shouts, while
John Jones, with a yard-wand in his hand, proceeded
to measure a hundred yards along the low side of the
mound. This species of amusement being far more
in accordance with the taste of the French than any-
thing in which horses are concerned, an immense
mob flocked to the scene, and the Baron having
explained how it was, and being considered a safe
man to follow, numerous offers were made to bet
against the performance of the match. The York-
shireman, being a youth of discretion and accustomed
to bet among strangers, got on five naps more with
different parties, who, to "prevent accidents," sub-
mitted to deposit the money with the Countess, and
all things being adjusted, and the course cleared by
a picket of infantry, Mr. Jorrocks ungirded his sword
SPORTING IN FRANCE 205
and depositing it with his frock - coat in the cab,
walked up to the fifty yards he was to have for start.
"Now, Colonel," said the Yorkshireman, backing him
to the mound, so that he might leap on without
shaking him, "put your best leg first, and it's a hollow
thing; "if you don't fall, you must wi'm" — and there-
upon taking Mr. Jorrocks's cocked hat and feather
from his head, he put it sideways on his own, so that
he might not be recognized, and mounted his man.
Mr. Jorrocks then took his place as directed by John
Jones, and at a signal from him — the dropping of a
blue cotton handkerchief — away they started amid
the shouts, the clapping of hands, and applause of
the spectators, who covered the mound and lined
the course on either side. Mr. Jorrocks's action was
not very capital, his jack-boots and leathers rather
impeding his limbs, while the Baron had as little on
him as decency would allow. The Yorkshireman
feeling his man rather roll at the start, again cautioned
him to take it easy, and after a dozen yards he got
into a capital run, and though the lanky Baron came
tearing along like an ill-fed greyhound, Mr. Jorrocks
had full two yards to spare, and ran past the soldier,
who stood with his cap on his bayonet as a winning-
post, amid the applause of his backers, the yells of
his opponents, and the general acclamation of the
spectators.
The Countess, anticipating the victory of her hero,
had despatched Agamemnon early in the day for a
chaplet of red and yellow immortelles, and having
switched the old cab horse up to the winning-post,
she gracefully descended, without showing' more of
her foot and ankle than was strictly correct, and
decorated his brow with the wreath, as the Yorkshire-
man dismounted. Enthusiasm being always the
order of the day in France, this act was greeted with
the loudest acclamations, and, without giving him
time to recover his wind, the populace bundled
2o6 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Mr. Jorrocks neck and shoulders into the cab, and,
seizing the old horse by the head, paraded him down
the entire length of the Champ de Mars, Mr. Jorrocks
bowing and kissing his hands to the assembled
multitude, in return for the vivas ! the clapping of
hands, and the waving of ribbons and handkerchiefs
that greeted him as he went.
Popularity is but a fickle goddess, and in no
country more fickle than in France. Ere the pro-
cession reached the end of the dusty plain, the mob
had tailed off very considerably, and as the leader
of the old white horse pulled him round to return,
a fresh commotion in the distance, caused by the
apprehension of a couple of pickpockets, drew away
the few followers that remained, and the recently-
applauded and belauded Mr. Jorrocks was left alone
m his glory. He then pulled up, and taking the
chaplet of inwiortelles from his brow, thrust it under
the driving cushion of the cab, and proceeded to
reinstate himself in his tight military frock, regird
himself with his sword, and resume the cocked hat
and feather.
Nothing was too good for Mr. Stubbs at that
moment, and, had a pen and ink been ready, Mr.
Jorrocks would have endorsed him a bill for any
amount. Having completed his toilette, he gave
the Yorkshireman the vacant seat in the cab, flopped
the old horse well about the ears with the pig-driving
whip, and trotted briskly up the line he had recently
passed in triumphal procession, and wormed his way
among the crowd in search of the Countess. There
was nothing, however, to be seen of her, and after
driving about, and poking his way on foot into all the
crowds he could find, bolting up to every lady in
blue, he looked at his great double-cased gold repeater,
and finding it was near three o'clock and recollecting
the fete of St. Cloud, concluded her ladyship must
have gone on, and Agamemnon, being anxious to
SPORTING IN FRANCE 207
see it, of course was of the same opinion, so again
flopping the old horse about the ears, he cut away
down the Champ de Mars, and, by the direction of
Agamemnon, crossed the Seine by the Pont des
Invalides, and gained the route to Versailles.
Here the genius of the people was apparent, for
the road swarmed with voitures of every description,
diligences, gondoles, co-cous, cabs, fiacres, omnibuses,
dame-blanches, all rolling and rumbling along, occa-
sionally interrupted by the lilting and tilting of a light
English cab or tilbury, drawn by a thorough-bred, and
driven by a dandy. The spirit of the old white horse
even seemed roused, as he got among the carriages,
and heard the tramping of hoofs and the jingling of
bells round the necks of other horses, and he applied
himself to the shafts with a vigour his enfeebled-
looking frame appeared incapable of supplying. So
they trotted on, and after a mile travelling at a foot's
pace after they got into close line, they reached the
porte Maillot, and, resigning the cab to the discretion
of Agamemnon, Mr. Jorrocks got himself brushed
over by one of the gentry who ply in that profession
at all public places, and tucking his sword under one
arm, he thrust the other through Mr. Stubbs's, and,
John-BuU-like, strutted up the long broad grass
avenue, through the low part of the wood of St. Cloud,
as if all he saw belonged to himself. The scene
was splendid, and nature, art, and the weather
appeared confederated for effect. On the lofty
heights arose the stately palace, looking down with
placid grandeur on the full foliage of the venerable
trees, over the beautiful gardens, the spouting
fountains, the rushing cascades, and the gay and
countless myriads that swarmed the avenues, while
the circling river flowed calmly on, without a ripple
on its surface, as if in ridicule of the sound of
trumpets, the clang of cymbals, and the beat of drums
that rent the air around.
2o8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
Along the broad avenue were ranged shows of
every description — wild beasts, giants, jugglers,
tumblers, mountebanks, and monsters, while in spots
sheltered from the sun by lofty trees were dancing
places, swings, round-abouts, archery-butts, pistol-
ranges, ball-kicking, and head-thumping places,
montagnes-Suisses, all the concomitants of fairs and
fetes — beating " Bartlemy-fair," as Mr. Jorrocks
candidly confessed, all to nothing.
The chance of meeting the Countess Benvolio in
such a multitude was very remote indeed, but, to
tell the truth, Mr. Jorrocks never once thought
of her, until having eat a couple of cold fowls and
drunk a bottle of porter, at an English booth, he
felt in his pocket for his purse, and remembered it
was in her keeping. Mr. Stubbs, however, settled the
account, and in high glee Mr. Jorrocks resumed his
peregrinations, visiting first one show, then another,
shooting with pea-guns, then dancing a quadrille,
until he was brought up short, before a splendid
green and gold round-about, whose magic circle
contained two lions, two swans, two black horses,
a tiger, and a giraffe. " Let's have a ride," said he,
jumping on to one of the black horses, and adjusting
the stirrups to his length. The party was soon
made up, and as the last comer crossed his tiger, the
engine was propelled by the boys in the centre, and
away they went at Derby pace. In six rounds Mr.
Jorrocks lost his head, turned completely giddy, and
bellowed out to them to stop. They took no heed —
all the rest were used to it — and, after divers yells
and ineffectual efforts to dismount, he fell to the
ground like a sack. The machine was in full work
at the time, and swept round three or four times
before they could stop it. At last Mr. Stubbs got
to him, and a pitiful plight he was in. He had
fallen on his head, broken his feather, crushed his
" chapeau bras," lost his mustachios, was as pale as
SPORTING IN FRANCE 209
death, and very sick. Fortunately the accident
happened near the gate leading to the town of St.
Cloud, and thither, with the aid of two gendarmes,
Mr. Stubbs conveyed the fallen hero, and having
put him to bed at the Hotel d'Angleterre, he sent
for a " mddecin," who of course shook his head,
looked very wise, ordered him to drink warm water —
a never-failing specific in France — and keep quiet.
Finding he had an Englishman for a patient, the
" mt^decin " dropped in every two hours, always
concluding with the order " encore I'eau chaud."
A good sleep did more for Mr. Jorrocks than the
doctor, and when the " m(5decin " called in the
morning, and repeated the injunction " encore I'eau
chaud," he bellowed out, " Cuss your I'eau chaud, my
stomach arn't a reserwoir ! give me some wittles ! "
The return of his appetite being a most favourable
symptom, Mr. Stubbs discharged the doctor, and
forthwith ordered a " dejeuner h. la fourchette," to
which Mr. Jorrocks did pretty fair justice, though
trifling in comparison with his usual performances.
They then got into a Versailles diligence that stopped
at the door, and, rattling along at a merry pace,
very soon reached Paris and the Rue des Mauvais-
Gar(jons.
" Come up and see the Countess," said Mr. Jorrocks,
as they arrived at the bottom of the dirty flight of
stairs, and, with his hands behind his back and his
sword dragging at his heels, he poked upstairs, and,
opening the outer door, entered the apartment. He
passed through the small ante-room, without observ-
ing his portmanteau and carpet-bag on the table,
and there being no symptoms of the Countess in
the next one, he walked forward into the bedroom
beyond.
Before an English fireplace that Mr. Jorrocks him-
self had been at the expense of providing, snugly
ensconced in the luxurious depths of a well-cushioned
14
2IO JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
easy-chair sat a monstrous man with a green patch on
his right eye, in slippers, loose hose, a dirty grey
woollen dressing-gown and black silk nightcap, puff-
ing away at a long meerschaum pipe, with a figure of
Bacchus on the bowl. At a sight so unexpected, Mr.
Jorrocks started back, but the smoker seemed quite
unconcerned, and, casting an unmeaning grey eye at
the intruder, puffed a long-drawn respiration from his
mouth.
" How now ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks, boiling into a
rage, which caused the monster to start upon his legs
as though he were galvanized, " Vot brings you
here ? "
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" responded the smoker,
opening his eye a little wider, and taking the pipe
from his mouth. " Speak English, you fool ! " bawled
Mr. Jorrocks. "Sie sind sehr unverschamt " (you
are very impudent), replied the Dutchman, with
a thump on the table. "I'll run you through
the gizzard ! " rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, half draw-
ing his sword, — "skin you alive, in fact!" when
in rushed the Countess and threw herself between
them.
Now, Mynheer Van Rosembom, a burgomaster of
Flushing, was an old friend of the Countess's, and an
exceedingly good paying one, and having cast up that
morning quite unexpectedly by the early diligence
from Dunkirk, and the Countess being enraged at
Mr. Jorrocks for not sharing the honours of his pro-
cession in the cab on the previous day, and believing,
moreover, that his treasury was pretty well exhausted,
thought she could not do better than instal Rosembom
in his place, and retain the stakes she held for the
Colonel's board and lodging.
This arrangement she kept to herself, simply giving
Rosembom, who was a not much better Frenchman
than Col. Jorrocks, to understand that the room
would be ready for him shortly, and Agamemnon
SPORTING IN FRANCE 211
was ordered to bundle Mr. Jorrocks's clothes into his
portmanteau and bag, and place them in readiness in
the ante-room. Rosembom, fatigued with his journey,
then retired to enjoy his pipe at his ease, while the
Countess went to the Marche St. Honore to buy
some sour crout, roast beef, and prunes for his
dinner.
"Turn this great slush bucket out of my room !"
cried Mr. Jorrocks, as the Countess rushed into his
apartment. " Vot's he doing here ? "
" Doucement, mon cher Colonel," said she, clap-
ping him on the back, "he sail be my brodder."
'■'■ Never such a thi?ig!'" roared Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing
him as he spoke. ^^ Never such a thing! no more
than myself — out with him, I say, or I'll cut my stick
— toute suite — directly ! "
" Avec tout mon cceur ! " replied the Countess, her
choler rising as she spoke. "You're another," re-
joined Mr. Jorrocks, judging by her manner that she
called him something offensive — "Vous etes one
mauvaise woman !" ^^ Afotisieur" said the Countess,
her eyes flashing as she spoke, " vous etes un polisson !
— von rascal ! — von dem villain ! — un charlatan ! —
von nasty — bastely — ross bif ! — dem dog," and there-
upon she curled her fingers and set her teeth on edge
as though she would tear his very eyes out. Rosem-
bom, though he didn't exactly see the merits of the
matter, exchanged his pipe for the poker, — so what
with this, the sword, and the nails, things wore a
very belligerent aspect.
Mr. Stubbs, as usual, interposed, and the Countess,
still keeping up the semblance of her rage, ordered
them to quit her apartment directly, or she would
have recourse to her old friends the police. Mr.
Stubbs was quite agreeable to go, but hinted that she
might as well hand over the stakes that had been
entrusted to her keeping on the previous day ; upon
which she again indulged in a torrent of abuse, swore
212 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
they were a couple of thieves, and that Mr. Jorrocks
owed her far more than the amount for board and
lodging. This made the Colonel stare, for on the
supposition that he was a visitor, he had been firing
away his money in all directions, playing at everything
she proposed, buying her bonnets, perigord pies,
hiring remises, and committing every species of
extravagance, and now to be charged for what he
thought was pure friendship, disgusted him beyond
expression.
The Countess speedily summoned the porter, the
man of letters of the establishment, and with his aid
drew Mr. Jorrocks out a bill, which he described as
" reaching down each side of his body and round his
waist," commencing with 2 francs for savon, and then
proceeding in the daily routine of cafe, i franc;
dejeuner h la fourchette, 5 francs; diner avec vin, 10
francs; tea, i franc; souper, 3 francs; bougies, 2
francs ; apartement, 3 francs ; running him up a bill
of 700 francs ; and when Mr. Stubbs remonstrated on
the exorbitance of the charges, she replied, " It sail
be, sare, as small monnae as sail be consistent avec
my dignified respectability, you to charge."
There seemed no help for the matter, so Mr.
Stubbs paid the balance, while Mr. Jorrocks, shocked
at the duplicity of the Countess, the impudence of
Roserabom, and the emptiness of his own pockets,
bolted away without saying a word.
That very night the Malle-Poste bore them from
the capital, with two cold fowls, three quarters of
a yard of bread, and a bottle of porter, for Mr.
Jorrocks on the journey ; and ere another sun went
down, the sandy suburbs of Calais saw them toiling
towards her ramparts, and rumbling over the draw-
bridges and under the portcullis that guard the
entrance to her gloomy town, Calais ! cold, cheer-
less, lifeless Calais ! Whose soul has ever warmed as
it approached thy town ? but how many hearts have
SPORTING IN FRANCE 213
turned with sickening sorrow from the mirthless
tinkling of thy bells ! ^
"We'll not stay here long, I guess," said Mr.
Jorrocks, as the diligence pulled up at the post-office,
and the conducteur requested the passengers to
descend. "That's optional," said a bystander, who
was waiting for his letters, looking at Mr. Jorrocks
with an air as much as to say, " What a rum-looking
fellow you are ! " and not without reason, for the
Colonel was attired in a blue sailor's jacket, white
leathers, and jack-boots, with the cocked hat and
feather. The speaker was a middle-aged, middle-
statured man, with a quick, intelligent eye, dressed in
a single-breasted, green riding-coat, striped toilenette
waistcoat, and drab trousers, with a whip in his hand.
" Thank you for nothing ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks,
eyeing him in return, upon which the speaker turned
to the clerk, and asked him if there were any letters
for Monsieur Apperley or Nimrod. " Nimrod ! "
exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, dropping on his knees as
though he were shot, " Oh, my vig ! what have I
done ? Oh dear ! oh dear ! what a dumbfounderer —
flummoxed, I declare."
'■'■Hold up I old un," said Nimrod in astonishment,
"why, what's the matter now? you don't 02ve me
anything, I daresay ! "
" Owe you anything ! yes, I does," said Mr.
Jorrocks, rising from the ground, " I owes you a debt
of gratitude that I can never wipe off — you'll be in
the day book and ledger of my memory for ever and
a year."
" Who are you ? " inquired Nimrod, becoming more
and more puzzled, as he contrasted his dialect with his
dress.
" Who am I ?— Why, I'm Mr. Jorrocks."
"Jorrocks, by Jove ! Who'd have thought it? I
^ At the Hotel de Ville is a clock that chimes the quarters
and keeps up a most monotonous tinkle by day and by night.
214 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
declare I took you for a horse-marine. Give us your
hand, old boy. I'm proud to make your acquaintance."
" Ditto to you, sir, twice repeated. I considers
you the werry first man of the age ! " — and thereupon
they shook hands with uncommon warmth.
" You've been at Paris, I suppose," resumed
Nimrod, after their respective digits were released ;
"were you much gratified with what you saw? What
pleased you most — the Tuileries, Louvre, Garden of
Plants, Pere la Chaise, Notre Dame, or what ? "
" Why now, to tell you the truth, singular as it may
seem, I saw nothing but the Tuileries and Naughty
Dame, — I may say a werry naughty dame, for she
fleeced me uncommonly, scarcely leaving me a dump
to carry me home."
" What, you've been among the ladies, have you ?
that's gay for a man at your time of life."
" Yes, I certain//^ have been among the ladies, —
Countesses I may say — but, dash my vig, they are a
rum set, and made me pay for their acquaintance.
The Countess Benwolio certain//> is a bad 'un."
" Oh, the deuce ! — did that old devil catch you ? "
inquired Nimrod.
" Vot, do you know her ? "
" Know her ! ay — everybody here knows her with
her black boy. She's always on the road, and lives
now by the flats she catches between Paris and the
coast. She was an agent for Morison's Pills, — but
having a fractious Scotch lodger that she couldn't get
out, she physicked him so dreadfully that he nearly
died, and the police took her licence away. But you
are hungry, Mr. Jorrocks, come to my house and
spend the evening, and tell me all about your travels."
Mr. Stubbs objected to this proposition, having
just learned that the London packet sailed in an hour,
so the trio adjourned to Mr. Roberts' Royal Hotel,
where over some strong eau-de-vie they cemented their
acquaintance, and Mr. Jorrocks, finding that Nimrod
SPORTING IN FRANCE 215
was to be in England the following week, insisted upon
his naming a day for dining in CIreat Coram Street.
"Permits" to embark having been considerately
granted '^ gratis"'^ by the government for a franc
apiece, at the hour of ten our travellers stepped on
board ; and Mr. Jorrocks, having wrapped himself up
in his martial cloak, lay down in the cabin, and, like
Ulysses in Ithaca, as Nimrod would say, "arrived in
London asleep."
^Though "gratis" is stamped conspicuously on the docu-
ment, they always charge something for them.
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY
THE general postman had given the final flourish
to his bell, and the muffin-girl had just begun to
tinkle hers, when a capacious yellow hackney-coach,
with a faded scarlet hammer-cloth, was seen jolting
down Great Coram Street, and pulling up at Mr.
Jorrocks's door.
Before Jarvey had time to apply his hand to the
area bell, after giving the usual three knocks and a
half to the brass lion's head on the door, it was
opened by the boy Benjamin in new drab coat, with a
blue collar, and white sugar-loaf buttons, drab waistcoat,
and black velveteen breeches, with well-darned white
cotton stockings.
The knock drew Mr. Jorrocks from his dining-room,
where he had been acting the part of butler, for which
purpose he had put off his coat and appeared in his
shirt sleeves, dressed in nankeen shorts, white gauze silk
stockings, white neckcloth, and white waistcoat, with
a frill as large as a hand-saw. Handing the bottle and
cork-screw to Betsy, he shuffled himself into a smart
new blue saxony coat with velvet collar and metal
buttons, and advanced into the passage to greet the
arrivers.
"O gentlemen, gentlemen," exclaimed he, "I'm so
'appy to see you — so werry 'appy you carn't think,"
holding out both hands to the foremost, who happened
to be Nimrod; "this is werry kind of you, for I
declare it's six to a minute. 'Ow are you, Mr.
Nimrod ? Most proud to see you at my humble crib.
Well, Stubbs, my boy, 'ow do you do ? Never knew
2ie
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 217
you late in life," giving him a hearty slap on the back,
" Mr. Spiers, I'm werry 'appy to see you. You are
just what a sporting publisher ought to be — punctu-
ality itself. Now, gentlemen, dispose of your tiles,
and come upstairs to Mrs. J., and let's get you
introduced."
"I fear we are late, Mr. Jorrocks," observed
Nimrod, advancing past the staircase end to hang up
his hat on a line of pegs against the wall.
" Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Jorrocks — " not a bit
of it — quite the contrary — you are the first, in fact ! "
" Indeed ! " replied Nimrod, eyeing a table full of
hats by where he stood — " why, here are as many hats
as would set up a shop. I really thought I'd got into
Beaver (Belvoir) Castle by mistake ! "
" Haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good, Mr. H'Apperley,
werry good indeed. — I owes you one."
"/thought it was a Castor-0\S. Mill," rejoined Mr.
Spiers.
" Haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good, Mr. Spiers, werry
good indeed, — owes you one also, — but I see what
you're driving at. You think these 'ats have a
cocoanut apiece belonging to them upstairs. No such
thing, I assure you ; no such thing. The fact is, they
are what I've won at warious times of the members of
our 'unt; and as I've got you great sporting coves
dining with me, I'm going to set them out on my side-
board, just as racing gents exhibit their gold and
silver cups, you know. Binjimin ! I say, Binjimin,
you blackguard," holloaing down the kitchen stairs,
*' Why don't you set out the castors as I told you ?
and see you brush them well ! " " Coming, sir, coming,
sir," replied Benjamin, from below, who at that
moment was busily engaged, taking advantage of
Betsy's absence, in scooping marmalade out of a pot
with his thumb. "There's a good lot of them," said
Mr. Jorrocks, resuming the conversation, " four, six,
eight, ten, twelve, thirteen, — all trophies of sporting
2i8 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
prowess. Real good hats. None o' your nasty
gossamers, or dog-hair ones. There's a tile ! " said he,
balancing a nice new white one with green rims on the
top of his finger. " I won that in a most w/'raculous
manner. — A most wonderful way, in fact. I was driving
to Croydon one morning in my four-wheeled one-'oss
chay, and just as I got to Lilley-white, the blacksmith's,
below Brixton Hill, they had thrown up a drain — a
giilpli I may call it — across the road for the purpose of
repairing the gas-pipe. I was ^-^j-ther late as it was,
for our 'ounds are werry punctual, and there was
nothing for me but either to go a mile and a half
about, or drive slap over the gulph. Well, I looked
at it, and the more I looked at it the less I liked it ;
but just as I was thinking I had seen enough of it,
and was going to turn away, up tools Timothy
Trueman in his buggy, and he, too, began to crane and
look into the abyss — and a terrible place it was, I
assure you — guile fn'ghffii/, and he liked it no better
than myself. Seeing this, I takes courage, and said,
' Why, Tim, your 'oss will do it ! ' ' Thank'e, Mr. J., '
said he, * I'll folloiv you.' ' Then,' said I, ' if you'll
change wehicles ' — for, mind ye, I had no notion of
damaging my own — ' I'll bet you a hat I gets over.'
* Done,' said he, and out he got, so I takes his 'oss
by the head, looses the bearing-rein, and, leading him
quietly up to the place and letting him have a look at
it, gave him a whack over the back, and over he went,
gig and all, as clever as could be ! "
Stiibbs. Well done, ISIr. J., you are really a most
wonderful man ! You have the most extraordinary
adventures of any man breathing — but what did you
do with your own machine ?
Jorrocks. Oh ! you see, I just turned round to
Binjimin, who was with me, and said, ' You may go
home,' and, getting into Timothy's buggy, I had my
ride for nothing, and the hat into the bargain. A
nice hat it is too — regular beaver — a guinea's worth
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 219
at least. All true what I've told you, isn't it,
Binjimin ?
" Quite ! " replied Benjamin, putting his thumb to
his nose, and spreading his fingers like a fan as he
slunk behind his master.
"But come, gentlemen," resumed Mr. Jorrocks,
" let's be after getting upstairs. Binjimin, announce
the gentlemen as your missis taught you. Open the
door with your left hand, and stretch the right towards
her, to let the company see the point to make up to!"
The party ascended the stairs one at a time, for the
flight is narrow and rather abrupt, and Benjamin,
obeying his worthy master's injunctions, threw open
the front drawing-room door, and discovers Mrs.
Jorrocks sitting in state at a round table, with annuals
and albums spread at orthodox distances around.
The possession of this room had long been a bone of
contention between Mr. Jorrocks and his spouse, but
at length they had accommodated matters, by Mr.
Jorrocks gaining undivided possession of the back
drawing-room (communicating by folding-doors), with
the run of the front one equally with Mrs. Jorrocks on
non-company days. A glance, however, showed
which was the master's and which was the mistress's
room. The front one was papered with weeping
willows, bending under the weight of ripe cherries on
a white ground, and the chair cushions were covered
with pea-green cotton velvet with yellow worsted
bindings.
The round table was made of rosewood, and there
was a "what-not" on the right of the fireplace of
similar material, containing a handsomely-bound
collection of Sir Walter Scott's works, in wood. The
carpet-pattern consisted of most dashing bouquets of
many-coloured flowers, in winding French horns on
a very light drab ground, so light, indeed, that Mr.
Jorrocks was never allowed to tread upon it except
in pumps or slippers. The bell-pulls were made of
220 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
foxes' brushes, and in the frame of the looking-glass,
above the white marble mantelpiece, were stuck
visiting-cards, cards of invitation, thanks for " obliging
inquiries," etc. etc. The hearth-rug exhibited a bright
yellow tiger, with pink eyes, on a blue ground, with a
flossy green border; and the fender and fire-irons
were of shining brass. On the wall, immediately
opposite the fireplace, was a portrait of Mrs. Jorrocks
before she was married, so unlike her present self that
no one would have taken it for her. The back
drawing-room, which looked out upon the gravel walk
and house-backs beyond, was papered with broad
scarlet and green stripes in honour of the Surrey-Hunt
uniform, and was set out with a green-covered library
table in the centre, with a red morocco hunting chair
between it and the window, and several good strong
hair-bottomed mahogany chairs around the walls.
The table had a very literary air, being strewed with
Sporting Magazines, odd numbers of BelPs Life,
pamphlets, and papers of various descriptions, while
on a sheet of foolscap on the portfolio were ten lines
of an elegy on a giblet pie which had been broken in
coming from the baker's, at which Mr. Jorrocks had
been hammering for some time. On the side opposite
the fireplace, on a hanging range of mahogany shelves,
were ten volumes of Bell's Life in London, the Neiv
Sporting Magazi?ie, bound, gilt, and lettered, the
Mefnoirs of Harriette Wilson, Boxiana, Taplin's
Farriery, Nimrod's Life of Mytton, and a back-
gammon board that Mr. Jorrocks had bought by
mistake for a History of England.
Mrs. Jorrocks, as we said before, was sitting in
state at the far side of the round table, on a worsted-
worked ottoman, exhibiting a cock pheasant on a
white ground, and was fanning herself with a red-and-
white paper fan, and turning over the leaves of an
annual. How Mr. Jorrocks happened to marry her,
no one could ever divine, for she never was pretty,
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 221
had very little money, and not even a decent figure to
recommend her. It was generally supposed at the time,
that his brother Joe and he having had a deadly feud
about a bottom piece of muffin, the lady's friends had
talked him into the match, in the hopes of his having
a family to leave his money to, instead of bequeathing
it to Joe or his children. Certain it is they never
were meant for each other; Mr. Jorrocks, as our
readers have seen, being all nature and impulse, while
Mrs. Jorrocks was all vanity and affectation. To
describe her accurately is more than we can pretend
to, for she looked so different in different dresses, that
Mr. Jorrocks himself sometimes did not recognize her.
Her face was round, with a good strong brick- dust
sort of complexion, a turn-up nose, eyes that were
grey in one light and green in another, and a middling-
sized mouth with a double chin below. Mr. Jorrocks
used to say that she was " warranted " to him as twelve
years younger than himself, but many people supposed
the difference of age between them was not so great.
Her stature was of the middle height, and she was
of one breadth from the shoulders to the heels. She
was dressed in a flaming scarlet satin gown, with swan's-
down round the top, as also at the arms, and two
flounces of the same material round the bottom. Her
turban was of green velvet, with a gold fringe, termina-
ting in a bunch over the left side, while a bird of
Paradise inclined towards the right. Across her
forehead she wore a gold band, with a many-coloured
glass butterfly (a present from James Green), and her
neck, arms, waist (at least what ought to have been
her waist), were hung round and studded with mosaic —
gold chains, brooches, rings, buttons, bracelets, etc.,
looking for all the world like a portable pawnbroker's
shop or the lump of beef that Sinbad the Sailor threw
into the Valley of Diamonds. In the right of a gold
band round her middle, was an immense gold watch,
with a bunch of mosaic seals appended to a massive
222 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
chain of the same material ; and a large miniature of
Mr. Jorrocks when he was a young man, with his hair
stiffly curled, occupied a place on her left side. On
her right arm dangled a green velvet bag, with a gold
cord, out of which one of Mr. Jorrocks's silk handker-
chiefs protruded, while a crumpled, yellowish-white
cambric one, with a lace fringe, lay at her side.
On an hour-glass stool, a little behind Mrs.
Jorrocks, sat her niece Belinda (Joe Jorrocks's eldest
daughter), a nice laughing pretty girl of sixteen, with
languishing blue eyes, brown hair, a nose of the "turn-
up" order, beautiful mouth and teeth, a very fair
complexion, and a gracefully-moulded figure. She
had just left one of the finishing and polishing
seminaries in the neighbourhood of Bromley, where,
for two hundred a year and upwards, all the teasing
accomplishments of life are taught, and Mrs. Jorrocks,
in her own mind, had already appropriated her to
James Green, while Mr. Jorrocks, on the other hand,
had assigned her to Stubbs. Belinda's dress was
simplicity itself; her silken hair hung in shining tresses
down her smiling face, confined by a plain tortoise-
shell comb behind, and a narrow pink velvet band
before. Round her swan-like neck was a plain white
cornelian necklace ; and her well-washed white
muslin frock, confined by a pink sash, flowing
behind in a bow, met in simple folds across her
swelling bosom. Black sandal shoes confined her
fairy feet, and with P>ench cotton stockings completed
her toilette. Belinda, though young, was a celebrated
eastern beauty, and there was not a butcher's boy in
Whitechapel, from Michael Scales downwards, but
what eyed her with delight, as she passed along from
Shoreditch on her daily walk.
The presentations having been effected, and the
heat of the day, the excellence of the house, the
cleanliness of Great Coram Street — the usual topics,
in short, when people know nothing of each other —
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 223
having been discussed, our party scattered themselves
about the room to await the pleasing announcement
of dinner. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was in attendance
upon Nimrod, while Mr Stubbs made love to Belinda
behind Mrs. Jorrocks.
Presently a loud, long-protracted '■^ rat-tat-tat-tat-
tan, rat-tat- fat-tat-tan" at the street door sounded
through the house, and Jorrocks, with a slap on his
thigh, exclaimed, " By Jingo ! there's Green. No
man knocks with such wiggorous wiolence as he does.
All Great Coram Street and parts adjacent know when
he comes. Julius Coesar himself couldn't kick up a
greater row." "What Green is it. Green of Rolle-
stone ? " inquired Nimrod, thinking of his Leicester-
shire friend. " No," said Mr. Jorrocks, " Green of
Tooley Street. You'll have heard of the Greens in
the Borough, 'emp, 'op, and 'ide (hemp, hop, and
hide) merchants — numerous family, numerous as the
'airs in my vig. This is James Green, jun., whose
father, old James Green, jun., verd antique as I calls
him, is the son of James Green, sen., who is in the
'emp line, and James is own cousin to young old
James Green, sen., whose father is in the 'ide line."
The remainder of the pedigree was lost by Benjamin
throwing open the door and announcing Mr. Green ;
and Jemmy, who had been exchanging his cloth boots
for patent-leather pumps, came bounding upstairs
like a racket-ball. " My dear Mrs. Jorrocks ! " cried
he, swinging through the company to her, " Fm
delighted to see you looking so well, I declare you
are fifty per cent, younger than you were. Belinda,
my love, 'ow are you? Jorrocks my friend, how do
ye do ? "
"Thank ye, James," said Jorrocks, shaking hands
with him most cordially, " I'm werry well indeed, and
delighted to see you. Now let me present you to
Nimrod."
" Aye, Nimrod ! " said Green, in his usual flippant
224 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
style, with a nod of his head, '"ow are ye,
Nimrod? I've heard of you, I think, — Nimrod,
Brothers and Co., bottle merchants, Crutched Friars,
ain't it ? "
"i\'t',"said Jorrocks, in an undertone with a frown,
" — Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod, the great sporting
h'author."
"True," replied Green, not at all disconcerted,
"I've heard of him — Nimrod — the mighty 'unter
before the Lord. Glad to see ye, Nimrod. Stubbs,
'ow are ye ? " nodding to the Yorkshireman, as he
jerked himself on to a chair on the other side of
Belinda.
As usual, Green was as gay as a peacock. His
curly flaxen wig projected over his forehead like the
roof of a Swiss cottage, and his pointed gills were
supported by a stiff black mohair stock, with a broad
front and black frill confined with jet studs down
the centre. His coat was light green, with archery
buttons, made very wide at the hips, with which he
sported a white waistcoat, bright yellow ochre leather
trousers, pink silk stockings and patent-leather pumps.
In his hand he carried a white silk handkerchief,
which smelt most powerfully of musk ; and a pair of
dirty wristbands drew the eye to sundry dashing rings
upon his fingers.
Jonathan Crane, a little long-nosed old city wine
merchant, a member of the Surrey Hunt, being
announced and presented, Mrs. Jorrocks declared
herself faint from the heat of the room, and begged
to be excused for a few minutes. Nimrod, all polite-
ness, was about to offer her his arm, but Mr. Jorrocks
pulled him back, whispering, "Z^/ her go, let her go."
" The fact is," said he, in an undertone after she was
out of hearing, " it's a way Mrs. J. has when she wants
to see that dinner's all right. You see she's a terrible
high-bred woman, being a cross between a gentleman-
usher and a lady's maid, and doesn't like to be
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 225
supposed to look after these things, so when she goes,
she always pretends to faint. You'll see her back
presently," and, just as he spoke, in she came with
a half-pint smelling bottle at her nose. Benjamin
followed immediately after, and, throwing open the
door, proclaimed, in a half-fledged voice, that " dinner
was served," upon which the party all started on their
legs.
"Now, Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod," cried Jorrocks,
" you'll trot Mrs. J. down — according to the book of
etiquette, you know, giving her the wall side.^ Sorry,
gentlemen, I haven't ladies apiece for you, but my
sally-manger, as we say in France, is rayiher small,
besides which I never like to dine more than eight.
Stubbs, my boy. Green and you must toss up for
Belinda— here's a halfpenny, and let it be 'New-
market'- if you please. Wot say you? a voman !
Stubbs wins ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks, as the halfpenny
fell head downwards. " Now, Spiers, couple up with
Crane, and James and I will whip into you. But
stop, gentlemen ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks, as he reached
the top of the stairs, "let me make one request-
that you von't eat the windmill you'll see on the
centre of the table. Mrs. Jorrocks has hired it for
the evening, of Mr. Farrell, the confectioner, in
Lamb's Conduit Street, and it's engaged to two or
three evening parties after it leaves this." " Lauk,
John ! how wulgar you are. What matter can it
make to your friends where the windmill comes
from ! " exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks, in an audible voice
from below ; Nimrod, with admirable skill, having
piloted her down the straits and turns of the staircase.
Having squeezed herself between the backs of the
chairs and the wall, Mrs. Jorrocks at length reached
^ " In your passage from one room to another, offer the lady
the wall in going downstairs," etc. — Spirit of Etiquette.
- "We have repeatedly decided that Newmarket is one toss."
— Belts Life.
15
226 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the head of the table, and with a bump of her body
and wave of her hand motioned Nimrod to take the
seat on her right. Green then pushed past Belinda
and Stubbs, and took the place on Mrs. Jorrocks's
left, so Stubbs, with a dexterous manoeuvre, placed
himself in the centre of the table, with Belinda be-
tween himself and her uncle. Crane and Spiers then
filled the vacant places on Nimrod's side, Mr. Spiers
facing Mr. Stubbs.
The dining-room was the breadth of the passage
narrower than the front drawing-room, and, as Mr.
Jorrocks truly said, was rayther small, but the table
being excessively broad, made the room appear less
than it was. It was lighted up with spermaceti
candles, in silver holders, one at each corner of the
table, and there was a lamp in the wall between the
red-curtained windows, immediately below a brass
nail, on which Mr. Jorrocks's great hunting-whip and
a bunch of boot -garters were hung. Two more
candles in the hands of bronzed Dianas on the
marble mantelpiece lighted up a coloured copy of
Barraud's picture of John Warde, on Blue Ruin ;
while Mr. Ralph Lambton, on his horse Undertaker,
with his hounds and men, occupied a frame on the
opposite wall. The old-fashioned cellaret sideboard,
against the wall at the end, supported a large bright
burning brass lamp, with raised foxes round the rim,
whose effulgent rays shed a brilliant halo over eight
black hats and two white ones, whereof the four middle
ones were decorated with evergreens and foxes'
brushes. The dinner table was crowded, not covered.
There was scarcely a square inch of cloth to be seen
on any part. In the centre stood a magnificent
finely-spun barley sugar windmill, two feet and a half
high, with a spacious sugar foundation, with a cart
and horses and two or three millers at the door, and
a she-miller working a ball dress flounce at a lower
window.
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 227
The whole dinner, first, second, third, fourth course,
— everything, in fact, except dessert — was on the
table, as we sometimes see it at ordinaries and public
dinners. Before both Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks were
two great tureens of mock turtle soup, each capable
of holding a gallon, and both full up to the brim.
Then there were two sorts of fish ; turbot and lobster
sauce, and a great salmon. A round of boiled beef
and an immense piece of roast occupied the rear of
these, ready to march on the disappearance of the
fish and soup — and behind the walls, formed by the
beef of old England, came two dishes of grouse, each
dish holding three brace. The side dishes consisted
of a calf's head hashed, a leg of mutton, chickens,
ducks, and mountains of vegetables ; and round the
windmill were plum puddings, tarts, jellies, pies, and
puffs.
Behind Mrs. Jorrocks's chair stood Batsay with a
fine brass-headed comb in her hair, and stiff ringlets
down her ruddy cheeks. She was dressed in a green
silk gown, with a coral necklace, and one of Mr.
Jorrocks's lavender and white coloured silk pocket-
handkerchiefs made into an apron. Bmjmiin stood
with the door in his hand, as the saying is, with a
towel twisted round his thumb, as though he had
cut it.
" Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Jorrocks, casting his
eye up the table, as soon as they had all got squeezed
and wedged round it, and the dishes were uncovered,
"_>'o?/! see your din?ter, eat whatever you like except the
windmill — hope you'll be able to satisfy nature with
what's on — would have had more, but Mrs. J. is so
werry fine, she won't stand two joints of the same
sort on the table."
Mrs. J. Lauk, John, how can you be so wulgar !
Who ever saw two rounds of beef, as you wanted to
have? Besides, I'm sure the gentlemen will excuse
any little defishency, considering the short nptic§
228 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
we have had, and that this is not an elaborate
dinner.
Afr. Spiers. I'm sure, ma'am, there's no dAfish&c\cy
at all. Indeed I think there's as much fish as would
serve double the number — and I'm sure you look as
if you had your soup " on sale or return," as we say in
the magazine line.
Mr. J. Haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good Mr. Spiers.
I owe you one. Not bad soup though — had it from
Birch's. Let me send you some ; and pray lay into
it, or I shall think you don't like it. Mr. H'Apperley,
let me send you some — and, gentlemen, let me
observe, once for all, that there's every species of malt
liquor under the side-table. Prime stout, from the
Marquess Cornwallis, hard by. Also ale, table, and
what my friend calls \z.Vi\&x\table, — he says because it's
so werry small — but, in truth, because I don't buy it
of him. There's all sorts of drench, in fact, except
water — a thing I never touch — rots one's shoes, don't
know what it would do with one's stomach if it was
to get there. Mr. Crane, you're eating nothing. I
am quite shocked to see you ; you don't surely live
upon h'air? Do help yourself, or you'll faint from
werry famine. Belinda, my love, does the Yorkshire-
man take care of you ? Who's for some salmon ? —
bought at Luckey's, and there's both Tally-ho and
Tantivy sarce to eat with it. Somehow or other I
always fancies I rides harder after eating their sarces
with fish. Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod, you are the
greatest man at table, consequently I axes you to
drink wine first, according to the book of etiquette —
help yourself, sir. Some of Crane's particklar hot and
strong, real stuff, none of your wan de bones (vin de
beaume) or rot-gut French stuff — hope you like it — if
you don't, pray speak your mind freely, now that we
have Crane among us. Binjimin, get me some of
that duck before Mr. Spiers ; a leg and a wing, if you
please, sir, and a bit of the breast.
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 229
• Mr. Spiers. .Certainly, sir, certainly. Do you
prefer a right or a left wing, sir?
. Mr. Jor rocks. Oh, either. I suppose it's all the
same.
• Mr. Spiers. Why, no, sir, it's not exactly all the
sanae ; for it happens there is only one remaining,
therefore it must be the left one.
Mr. J. (chuckling). Haw ! haw ! haw ! Mr. S.,
werry good that — werry good, indeed. I owes you
two.
. "I'll trouble you for a little, Mr. Spiers, if you
please," says Crane, handing his plate round the
windmill.
" I'm sorry, sir, it is all gone," replies Mr. Spiers,
who had just filled Mr. Jorrocks's plate; "there's
nothing left but the neck," holding it up on the
fork.
"Well, send it," rejoins Mr. Crane, "neck or
tiotJwig, you know, Mr. Jorrocks, as we say with the
Surrey."
" Haw ! haw ! haw ! " grunts Mr. Jorrocks, who is
busy sucking a bone ; " haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good.
Crane, werry good — owes you one. Now, gentlemen,"
added he, casting his eye up the table as he spoke,
"let me adwise ye, before you attack the grouse, to
take the hedge (edge) off your appetites, or else there
won't be enough ; and, you know, it does not do to
eat the farmer after the gentleman. Let's see, now —
three and three are six, six brace among eight — oh
dear, that's nothing like enough. I wish, Mrs. J., you
had followed my adwice, and roasted them all. And,
now, Binjimin, you're going to break the windmill with
your clumsiness, you little dirty rascal ! Why von't
you let Bafsa.y arrange the table ? Thank you, Mr.
Crane, for your assistance, — your politeness, sir,
exceeds your beauty." [A barrel organ strikes up
before the window, and Jorrocks throws down his
knife and fork in an agony.] "Oh dear, oh dear,
230 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
there's that cursed h'organ again. It's a regular
annihilator. Binjimin, run and kick the fellow's
werry soul out of him. There's no man suffers so
much from music as I do. I wish I had a pocketful
of sudden deaths, that I might throw one at every
thief of a musicianer that comes up the street. I
declare the scoundrel has set all my teeth on edge.
Mr. Nimrod, pray take another glass of wine after
your roast beef. — Well, with Mrs. J. if you choose, but
I'll join you — always says that you are the werry
cleverest man of the day — read all your writings
— anny-tommy (anatomy) of gaming, and all. Am
a h'author myself, you know — once set to, to write a
werry long and elaborate h'article on scent, but after
cudgelling my brains, and turning the thing over and
over again in my mind, all that 1 could brew on the
subject was that scent was a werry rum thing ; nothing
rummer than scent, except a woman."
"Pray," cried Mrs. Jorrocks, her eyes starting as
she spoke, "don't let us have any of your low-lifed
stable conversation here — you think to show off
before the ladies," added she, "and flatter yourself
you talk about what we don't understand. Now, I'll
be bound to say, with all your fine sporting h'inform-
ation, you carn't tell me whether a mule brays or
neighs ! "
"Vether a mule brays or neighs?" repeated Mr.
Jorrocks, considering, " I'll lay I can ! "
" Which, then ? " inquired Mrs. Jorrocks.
" Vy, I should say it brayed."
^^ Mule bray I ^^ cried Mrs. Jorrocks, clapping her
hands with delight, " there's a cockney blockhead for
you ! It brays, does it ? "
Mr. Jorrocks. I meant to say neighed.
" Ho ! ho ! ho ! " grinned Mrs. J., " neighs, does it ?
you are a nice man for a fox-'unter — a mule neighs —
thought I'd catch you some of these odd days with
your wain conceit."
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 231
** Vy, what does it do, then ! " inquired Mr. Jorrocks,
his choler rising as he spoke. " I hopes at all ewents
he don't make the 'orrible noise you do."
" Why, it screams, you great h'ass ! " rejoined his
loving spouse.
A single, but very resolute knock at the street door,
sounding quite through the house, stopped all further
ebullition, and Benjamin, slipping out, held a short
conversation with someone in the street, and re-
turned.
" What's happened now, Binjimin ? " inquired Mr.
Jorrocks, with anxiety on his countenance, as the
boy re-entered the room ; " the 'osses arn't amiss, I
'ope ? "
" Please, sir, Mr. Farrell's young man has come for
the windmill — he says you've had it two hours,"
replied Benjamin.
"The deuce be with Mr, Farrell's young man! he
does not suppose we can part with the mill before
the cloth's drawn — tell him to mizzle, or I'll mill him.
' Now's the day and now's the hour ; ' who's for some
grouse ? Gentlemen, make your game, in fact. But
first of all, let's have a round robin. Pass the wine,
gentlemen. What wine do you take, Stubbs ? "
" Why, champagne is good enough for me."
Mr. Jorrocks. I daresay ; but if you wait till you
get any here, you will have a long time to stop.
Shampain, indeed ! had enough of that nonsense
abroad — declare you young chaps drink shampain like
h'ale. There's red and wite, port and sherry, in fact ;
and them as carn't drink, they must go without.
X. was expensive, and soon became poor ;
Y. was the wise man, and kept want from the door.
" Now for the grouse ! " added he, as the two beefs
disappeared, and they took their stations at the top
and bottom of the table. " Fine birds, to be sure !
hope you haven't burked your appetites, gentlemen,
so as not to be able to do justice to them — smell
232
JORROCKS'S JAUMTS AND JOLLITIES
high — werry good — gamey, in fact — Binjimin, take an
'ot plate to Mr. Nimrod — sarve us all round with
them."
The grouse being excellent, and cooked to a turn,
little execution was done upon the pastry, and the
jellies had all melted long before it came to their turn
to be eaten. At length, everyone, Mr. Jorrocks and
all, appeared satisfied, and the noise of knives and
forks was succeeded by the din of tongues and the
ringing of glasses, as the eaters refreshed themselves
with wine or malt liquors. Cheese and biscuit being
handed about on plates, according to the Spirit of
Etiquette, B/nj/min and Brttsay at length cleared the
table, lifted off the windmill, and removed the cloth.
Mr. Jorrocks then delivered himself of a most
emphatic grace.
The wine and dessert being placed on the table,
the ceremony of drinking healths all round was
performed. "Your good health, Mrs. J., Belinda,
my l<90ve, your good health — wish you a good 'usband.
— Nimrod, your good health. — James Green, your
good health. Old verd antique's good health. — Your
uncle's good health. — All the Green family. — Stubbs,
your good health. — Spiers, Crane, etc. etc." The
bottles then pass round three times, on each of
which occasions Mrs. Jorrocks makes them pay toll.
The fourth time she let them pass; and Jorrocks
began to grunt, hem, and haw, and kick the leg of
the table, by way of giving her a hint to depart.
This caused a dead silence, which at length was
broken by the Yorkshireman's exclaiming, " Horrid
pause ! "
" Horrid paws ! " vociferated Mrs. J., in a towering
rage, " so would yours, let me tell you sir, if you had
helped to cook all that dinner : " and gathering her-
self up and repeating the word, " horrid paws, indeed,
I like your imperence," she sailed out of the room
like an exasperated turkey-cock ; her face, from heat,
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 233
anger, and,, the quantity she had drunk, being as red
as her gown. Indeed, she looked for all the world
as if she had been put into a furnace and blown red
hot. Jorrocks having o;ot rid of his " worser half," as
he calls her, let out a roef or two of his acre of white
waistcoat, and each man made himself comfortable
according to his acceptation of the term. " Gentle-
men," says Jorrocks, " I'll trouble you to charge your
glasses, 'eel-taps off— a bumper toast — no sky-lights,
if you please. Crane, pass the wine — you are a
regular old stop-bottle — a turnpike gate, in fact. /
think you take hack hajids — gentlemen, are you all
charged? — then I'll give you The Noble Sport of
Fox-'Unting ! gentlemen, with three times three, and
Crane will give the 'ips, — all ready— now, 'ip, 'ip, 'ip,
•Aizza, 'uzza, 'uzza, — 'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza, —
I '*ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza — one cheer more, 'uzza ! "
After this followed " The Merry Harriers," then came
"The Staggers," after that "The Trigger, and bad
luck to Cheetum," all bumpers; when Jorrocks,
having screwed his courage up to the sticking place,
called for another, which being complied with, he
rose and delivered himself as follows : —
" Gentlemen, in rising to propose the toast which
I am now about to propose — I feel — I feel —
(Yorkshireman — 'Very queer?') /. No, not werry
queer, and I'll trouble you to hold your jaw.
(Laughter.) Gentlemen, I say, in rising to propose
the toast which I am about to give, I feel — I feel —
(Crane — ' Werry nervous ? ') /. No, not werry nervous,
so none of your nonsense ; let me alone, I say. I say,
in rising to propose the toast which I am about to
give, I feel — (Mr. Spiers — ' Very foolish ? ' Nimrod —
* Very funny ? ' Crane — ' Werry rum ? ') /. No, werry
proud of the distinguished honour that has been
conferred upon me — conferred upon me — conferred
upon me — distinguished honour that has been
conferred upon me by the presence, this day, of
234 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
one of the most distinguished men — distinguished
men — by the presence, this day, of one of the most
distinguished men and sportsmen — of modern times.
(Cheers.) Gentlemen — this is the proudest moment
of my life ! the eyes of England are upon us ! I give
you the health of Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod." (Drunk
with three times three.)
When the cheering and dancing of the glasses had
somewhat subsided, Nimrod rose and spoke as
follows : —
" Mr. Jorrocks, and Gentlemen, —
"The handsome manner in which my health has
been proposed by our worthy and estimable host,
and the flattering reception it has met with from
you, merit my warmest acknowledgments. I should,
indeed, be unworthy of the land which gave me
birth, were I insensible of the honour which has
just been done me by so enlightened and dis-
tinguished an assembly as the present. My friend,
Mr. Jorrocks, has been pleased to designate me as
one of the most distinguished sportsmen of the day,
a title, however, to which I feel I have little claim ;
but this I may say that I have portrayed our great
national sports in their brightest and most glowing
colours, and that on sporting subjects my pen shall
yield to none. (Cheers.) I have ever been the
decided advocate of manly sports and exercises, not
only on account of the health and vigour they inspire,
but because I feel that they are the best safeguards of
a nation's energies, and the best protection against
luxury, idleness, debauchery, and effeminacy. (Cheers.)
The authority of all history informs us, that the
energies of countries flourished whilst manly sports
have flourished, and decayed as they died away.
(Cheers.) What says Juvenal, when speaking of the
entry of luxury into Rome ? —
* Srevior armis
Luxuria incubuit, victumque ulciscitur orbem.'
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 235
And we need only refer to ancient history, and to the
writings of Xenophon, Cicero, Horace, or Virgil, for
evidence of the value they have all attached to the
encouragement of manly, active, and hardy pursuits,
and the evils produced by a degenerate and
effeminate life on the manners and characters of a
people. (Cheers.) Many of the most eminent
literary characters of this and of other countries have
been ardently attached to field sports ; and who that
has experienced their beneficial results can doubt
that they are the best promoters of the inetis sana in
corpore sano — the body sound and the understanding
clear. (Cheers.) Gentlemen, it is with feelings of
no ordinary gratification that I find myself at the
social and truly hospitable board of one of the
most distinguished ornaments of one of the most
celebrated Hunts in this great country, one whose
name and fame have reached the four corners of the
globe — to find myself after so long an absence from
my native land — an estrangement from all that has
ever been nearest and dearest to my heart, once
again surrounded by those cheerful countenances
which so well express the honest, healthful, pursuits
of their owners. Let us, then," added Nimrod,
seizing a decanter and pouring himself out a bumper,
" drink in true Kentish fire, the health and prosperity
of that brightest sample of civic sportsmen, the great
and renowned John Jorrocks ! "
Immense applause followed the conclusion of this
speech, during which time the decanters buzzed
round the table, and, the glasses being emptied, the
company rose, and a full charge of Kentish fire
followed ; Mr. Jorrocks sitting all the while, looking
as uncomfortable as men in his situation generally do.
The cheering having subsided, and the parties
having resumed their seats, it was his turn to rise ;
so, getting on his legs, he essayed to speak, but
finding, as many men do, that his ideas deserted him
236 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
the moment the "eyes of England" were turned
upon him, after two or three hitches of his nankeens,
and as many hems and haws, he very coolly resumed
his seat, and spoke as follows : —
"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public
speaking, I am quite taken aback by this werry
unexpected compliment — (cheers) ; — never since I
filled the h'ancicnt and h'onerable h'office of church-
Avarden in the populous parish of St. Eotolph Without,
have I experienced a gratification equal to the
present. I thank you from the werry bottom of my
breeches-pocket. (Applause.) Gentlemen, I'm no
"h'orator, but I'm a h'onest man. (Cheers.) I should
indeed be undeserving the name of a sportsman —
undeserving of being a member of that great and
justly celebrated 'unt, of which Mr. H'Apperley
Nimrod has spun so handsome and flattering a yarn,
if I did not feel deeply proud of the compliment you
have paid it. It is impossible for me to follow that
•great sporting scholar fairly over the ridge and furrow
of his werry intricate and elegant h'oration, for there
.are many of those fine gentlemen's names — French,
I presume — that he mentioned, that I never heard
of before, and cannot recollect ; but if you will
.allow me to run 'eel a little, I would make a few
h'observations on a few of his h'observations. Mr.
H'Apperley Nimrod, gentlemen, was pleased to pay
a compliment to what he was pleased to call my
■something 'ospitality. I am extremely obliged to him
for it. To be surrounded by one's friends is in my
mind the 'Ai' of 'uman 'appiness. (Cheers.)
Gentlemen, I am most proud of the honour of
:seeing you all here to-day, and I hope the grub has
been to your likin' — (cheers), — if not, I'll discharge
my butcher. On the score of quantity there might
be a little deficiency, but I hope the quality was
prime. Another time this shall be all remedied.
<|Cheers.) Gentlemen, I understand those cheers,
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 237
and I'm flattered by them — / likes 'ospitality ! I'm
not the man to keep my butter in a 'pike-ticket, or
my coals in a quart pot. (Immense cheering.)
Gentlemen, these are my sentiments, I leaves the
flowers of speech to them as is better acquainted
with botany. (Laughter.) I likes plain English,
both in eating and talking, and I'm happy to see Mr.
H'Apperley Nimrod has not forgot his, and can put
up with our homely fare, and do without pantaloon
cutlets,^ blankets of woe,'-^ and such like miseries. I
hates their 'orse douvers (hors-d'oeuvres), their rots,
and their poisons (poissons) ; 'ord rot 'em, they near
killed me, and right glad am I to get a glass of old
British black strap. And talking of black strap,
gentlemen, I call on old Crane, the man what
supplies it, to tip us a song. So now I'm finished,
and you, Crane, lap up your liquor and begin."
(Applause.)
Crane was shy — unused to sing in company — never-
theless, if it was the wish of the party, and it would
oblige his good customer, Mr. Jorrocks, he would
try his hand at a stave or two made by himself^ in
honour of the immortal Surrey. Having emptied his
glass and cleared his windpipe, Crane commenced : —
'* Here's a health to them that can ride !
Here's a health to them that can ride !
And those that don't wish good luck to the cattse
May they roast by their own fireside !
It's good to drown care in the chase,
It's good to drown care in the bowl,
It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds,
Here's his health from the depth of my soul.
1 " Cotelette en papillote."
2 '* Blanquette de veau."
^ Crane deceived himself when he said he wrote this song.
It was published in the Sporting Magazine before he was a
member of the Hunt. It is in honour of the popular sportsman
who for a long series of years has hunted Surrey with a patience
and keenness worthy of a better country.
238 JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
CHORUS.
Hurrah for the loud tally-ho !
Hurrah for the loud tally-ho !
It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds,
And echo the shrill tally-ho !
" Here's a health to them that can ride !
Here's a health to them that ride bold !
May the leaps and the dangers that each has defied,
In columns of sporting be told !
Here's freedom to him that would walk !
Here's freedom to him that would ride !
There's none ever feared that the horn should be heard
Who the joys of the chase ever tried.
Hurrah for the loud tally-ho !
Hurrah for the loud tally-ho !
It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds,
And halloo the loud tally-ho ! "
" Beautiful ! beautiful ! " exclaimed Jorrocks, clap-
ping his hands and stamping as Crane had ceased.
" A werrj- good song, and it's wcrry well sung,
Jolly companions everyone !
" Gentlemen, pray charge your glasses — there's one
toast we must drink in a bumper if we ne'er take a
bumper again. Mr. Spiers, pray charge your glass —
Mr. Stubbs, vy don't you fill up? Mr. Nimrod, off
with your 'eel taps, pray — I'll give ye the 'Surrey
'Unt,' with all my 'art and soul. Crane, my boy,
here's your werry good health, and thanks for your
song ! " (All drink the Surrey Hunt and Crane's
good health, with applause, which brings him on his
legs with the following speech.)
" Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public
speaking — (laughter) — I beg leave, on behalf of
myself and the absent members of the Surrey 'Unt,
to return you our own most 'artfelt thanks for the
flattering compliment you have just paid us, and to
assure you that the esteem and approbation of our
fellow-sportsmen is to us the magnum bomati of all
MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY 239
earthly 'appiness. (Cheers and laughter.) Gentlemen,
I will not trespass longer upon your valuable time,
but as you seem to enjoy this wine of my friend Mr.
Jorrocks's, I may just say that I have got some more
of the same quality left, at from forty-two to forty-
eight shillings a dozen, also some good stout draught
port, at ten-and-sixpence a gallon — some ditto werry
superior at fifteen ; also foreign and British spirits,
and Dutch liqueurs, rich and rare."
The conclusion of the vintner's address was drowned
in shouts of laughter. Mr. Jorrocks then called upon
the company in succession for a toast, a song, or a
sentiment. Nimrod gave, "The Queen ^ and her
Stag-hounds"; Crane gave, "Champagne to our real
friends, and real pain to our sham friends " ; Green
sang, "I'd be a Butterfly"; Mr. Stubbs gave,
" Honest Men and Bonnie Lasses " ; and Mr. Spiers,
like a patriotic printer, gave "The Liberty of the
Press," which he said was like fox-hunting — " if we have
it not, we die " — all of which Mr. Jorrocks applauded
as if he had never heard them before, and drank in
bumpers. It was evident that unless tea was speedily
announced, he would soon become —
" O'er the ills of life victorious,"
for he had pocketed his wig, and had been clipping
the Queen's English for some time. After a pause,
during which his cheeks twice changed colour, from
red to green and back to red, he again called for a
bumper toast, which he prefaced with the following
speech, or parts of a speech : —
" Gentlemen, — in rising — propose toast about to
give — feel werry — feel werry — (Yorkshireman, ' Werry
muzzy ? ') J. — feel werry — (Mr. Spiers, ' Werry sick ? ')
/. — werry — (Crane, * Werry thirsty ? ') J. — feel werry —
^ To sa%'e any pains-taking critic the trouble of remarking
that we laid the earlier part of these scenes in the late King's
time, we beg to say that " we know it,'''
24P JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES
(Nimrod, ' Werry wise ? ') /. — no ; but werry sensible
— great compliment — eyes of England upon us — give
you the health — Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod — three times
three ! "
He then attempted to rise for the purpose of
marking the time, but his legs deserted his body,
and, after two or three lurches, down he went with
a tremendous thump under the table. He called
first for " Batsay," then for " Binjimin," and, game to
the last, blurted out, " Lift me up ! — tie me in my
chair ! — fill my glass ! "
THE END
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