A MAN'S MAN. With frontispiece, izmo, $1.20, net. Postage, 12 cents. THE RIGHT STUFF. With frontispiece. izrno, $1.20, net. Postage, 10 cents. HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY BOSTON AND NEW YORK A MAN'S MAN 'O, HUGHIE, DID YOU?" (D376) A MAN'S MAN BY IAN HAY, p ScvA AUTHOB OF " THE BIGHT STUFF " WITH FRONTISPIECE BY JAMES MONTGOMERY FLAGQ BOSTON AND NEW YORK HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY prcsi* CambdDgc 1910 COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY Published September IQIO TO T. B. 213SS19 Partner (after several collisions). I should think you were more at home in a boat than a ballroom, Mr. Rudderford! Little Bobbie Rudderford (the famous Oxbridge coxswain) . Yes ; and by Jove, I 'd sooner steer eight men than one woman, any day ! Punch. CONTENTS BOOK ONE DEALS WITH A STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE I. NAVAL MANCEUVBES 3 II. INTRODUCES THE HEROINE OF THIS NARRATIVE . 22 III. JIMMY MARRABLE 28 IV. AN UNDERSTUDY 49 V. THE JOY OF BATTLE 61 BOOK TWO FORTITER IN RE VI. KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 81 VII. THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 112 VIII. A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 130 IX. LITESA SCSIPTA MANET 146 X. THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 157 BOOK THREE SUAVITER IN MODO XL SEALED ORDERS 179 XII. A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 195 x CONTENTS XIII. VARWM ST MUTABILB 223 XIV. BUSINESS ONLY 247 BOOK FOUR THE UNJUST STEWARD XV. DEPUTATIONS WITH A DIFFERENCE .... 263 XVI. IN WHICH CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG, AND JOAN MISSES HER CUE 292 XVII. IN WHICH CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME, AND HUGHIE MISSES HIS TRAIN 320 XVIII. Ex MACULA . 339 XIX. IN WHICH LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW . 354 XX. SINFUL WASTE OF A PENNY STAMP . . 372 BOOK ONE DEALS WITH A STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE A MAN'S MAN CHAPTER I NAVAL MAN02UVRES A UNIVERSITY college varies its facial expres- sion about as frequently as The Sphinx and about as violently as a treacle- well. This remark specially applies between the hours of breakfast and luncheon. The courts, with their monastic cloisters and inviolable grass- plots, lie basking in a sunny obliviousness to the world outside. Their stately exclusiveness is ac- centuated rather than diminished by the glimpse of an occasional flying figure in a cap and gown, or the spectacle of a middle-aged female of a discreet and chastened appearance, who glides respectfully from one archway to another, carry- ing a broom and a tin pail, or alas for the goings-on that a cloistered cell may conceal be- hind its art-muslin curtains ! a tankard con- taining some gentleman's morning ale. In one corner, close to the Buttery door, you may behold one of the college cats, which appears to be combining a searching morning toilet with 4 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE a course of practical calisthenics; and inside the massive arch of the gateway stands a majestic figure in a tall hat, whom appreciative Americans usually mistake for the Master, but who in reality occupies the far more onerous and responsible post of Head Porter. Perhaps the greatest variation from the normal is to be observed on a Saturday morning. Then the scene is brightened by the vision of an occa- sional washerwoman, who totters bravely at one end of a heavy basket, what time her lord and master (who has temporarily abandoned his fa- vourite street-corner and donned Sabbath attire for this, his weekly contribution to the work of the world) sulkily supports the other. Undergraduates, too, are more in evidence than on other days. On most mornings they either stay indoors, to work or sleep, or else go outside the college altogether. "Loitering" in the courts is not encouraged by the authorities. Not that the undergraduate minds that; but it will prob- ably cost him half-a-crown every time he does so, not because he loiters but because he smokes. The Old Court of St. Benedict's College it is hardly necessary to say that we are in Cambridge and not in Oxford: otherwise we should have said "Quad" presents to us on the present occasion a very fair sample of a Saturday morn- ing crowd. The observant eye of the Dean, look- NAVAL MANCEUVRES 5 ing down (like Jezebel) from an upper chamber, can discern 1. Three washerwomen, with the appurte- nances thereof. 2. One small boy delivering The Granta. 3. A solitary spectacled gentleman, of the type described by the University Calendar in stately periphrasis as " A Native of Asia, not of European Parentage" (but more tersely classified by the rest of the community as "a nigger"), hurrying in cap and gown to secure a good place at the feet of some out-of-college Gamaliel. 4. A kitchen-man in white jacket and apron, bearing upon his head a tray containing a salmon mayonnaise, cutlets in aspic, and a special Cam- bridge dainty known as "Grassy Corner Pud- ding" a fearsome compound of whipped cream and pistachio nuts. 5. A Buttery boy, walking close behind, with a basket containing bottles. Evidently some young gentleman is about to entertain angels un- awares so far as his bill-paying papa is concerned. 6. Four young men converging to a group in the centre of the court. Of these, two are attired in the undergraduate mode of the moment tweed jackets with leather buttons, waistcoats of the Urim and Thummim variety, grey flannel trousers well turned up, clamorous silk socks, and heavy Highland shooting brogues. The third 6 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE wears what the College Regulations describe rather ingenuously as "Athletic Dress." Pheidip- pides himself would have found it difficult to per- form feats of prowess in a costume composed of split pumps, white duck trousers, and a blazer admirably qualified to serve as a model of the Solar Spectrum. It may be mentioned in passing that, to the College Regulations, "Athletic Dress" is not in itself a costume in which it is possible to perform athletic feats, but one whose colour-scheme clashes with the sub-fuse standard which obtains in all college courts until one P.M. ; such, in fact, as would tend to distract the eye and sap the dili- gence of those who traverse the courts on their way to lectures. In consequence, he who would be matutinally athletic must either keep his war- paint somewhere out of college, or drape himself like a stage conspirator as he flits from his rooms to the river or Fenner's. The fourth gentleman of the party was dressed, if not gorgeously, sufficiently respectably to war- rant the assumption that he was not a member of the University. All four were smoking. The Dean, glancing in the direction of the gate- way, and observing with sardonic satisfaction that the watchful Cerberus there was taking a note of the delinquency, returned to his work. Regard- NAVAL MANOEUVRES 7 less of the prospective loss of half-a-crown apiece, the undergraduates exchanged cheerful greetings. "Hallo, Dishy- Washy!" "Hallo, Gussie!" "Hallo, Towzer!" There ensued an awkward pause, while Messrs. Gussie and Towzer, nervously conscious of the presence of a stranger to whom they were about to be presented, looked intently at their boots and waited for the introduction to take place. The gentleman previously addressed as Dishy- Washy, a diminutive youth with wizened features, his name was Dishart- Watson, cleared his throat. " Introduce my brother," he said huskily. " Mr. Poltimore Mr. Angus !" The gentlemen indicated shook hands with the visitor, and Mr. Angus, after a mental effort, inquired : " Come to see us go Head ?" He giggled deprecatingly, to show that he did not really mean this. "Hope so," said Dishy- Washy's brother po- litely. "I hear you've got a pretty hot crew," he added. "First chop," said Mr. Poltimore. "You just arrived?" "Yes; down from town this morning." "Oh! live there?" 8 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE "Er yes." "Oxford man," interpolated Dishy- Washy swiftly. "Sent down," he added in extenuation. The other two nodded sympathetically, and the conversation proceeded more briskly. "Are you going to catch those chaps to-night, Dishy?" inquired Mr. Angus earnestly. "Don't know," replied Dishy- Washy, who as coxswain of the St. Benedict's boat enjoyed a position of authority and esteem in inverse ratio to his inches. " Duncombe 's a good enough little oar, but you can't expect a man who weighs nine stone ten to stroke the boat and pull it along too. Of course, if we had anything we could call a Six! As for old Puffin" "Fourteen stone of tripe!" interpolated Mr. Angus, the gentleman in Athletic Dress. "Lord help the boat!" he added bitterly. It may be mentioned in passing that Mr. An- gus's athletic achievements were rather over- stated by his costume. His blazer was that of a college club of twelve members, admission to which was strictly limited to gentlemen who could absorb a gallon of beer at a draught, and whose first rule stated that any member who committed the betise of taking a degree, however humble, should pay to the club a fine of five pounds. " Still," said Towzer hopefully, " there 's always Marrable." NAVAL MANOEUVRES 9 Everybody even the gentleman who had been sent down from Oxford cheered up at this reflection. "By gum!" said the coxswain with sudden en- thusiasm, " he's a wonder ! You should have seen him in the boat yesterday. He was rowing a blade that simply lifted the whole of bow side along by itself ; and besides that he was coaching Stroke all the time telling him when to swing out and when to quicken, and bucking him up generally; and on the top of all that he found time every now and then to turn round and curse old Six. I tell you, he's a wonder. Did you hear about him last night?" "I did hear some yarn," said Angus. "Went and smashed up The Owls, did n't he ?" "Smashed up?" Dishy's saturnine features expanded into a smile that was almost benevolent. " My lad, have you seen Muggeridge's alabaster brow this morning?" Mr. Muggeridge was the president of "The Owls" Wine Club. "No." " Well, last night I was going round about half- past ten to see that all the crew were in their beds. When I came to H, New Court, I found a devil of a row going on in Muggeridge's rooms directly under Buncombe's, you know." "Yes. Go on," said all, much interested. 10 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE "There was a meeting of The Owls on," con- tinued Dishy, " and they 'd had the nerve to hold it on a staircase where there were actually two men of the crew Duncombe and Eversley trying to get to sleep." "What did you do?" inquired Poltimore. " Went in and reminded them. I thought they might have forgotten." "What did they say?" "They told me to go to " "Good Lord!" said the audience, genuinely horrified at the employment of such language by a non-athletic to an athletic man. The Owls were a collection of rather dissipated young nobodies, while Dishy wore a Leander tie, which in a rowing college entitles a man to some- thing like reverence. "I soon found it was a put-up job," continued the coxswain. "They had some grudge against Duncombe, and wanted to score him off. I could hear him hammering on his bedroom floor above to make them dry up." "What did you do then?" " I explained to them exactly what I thought of them," replied the coxswain simply. "What did you say, exactly?" Dishy told them. They smacked their lips ap- preciatively, and the next question followed pat. "And what did they do?" NAVAL MANOEUVRES 11 "Well, they were a bit far gone ' "Drunken sweeps!" remarked the virtuous Gussie, who belonged to a rival institution. " Yes. They were a bit far gone," repeated the coxswain, with the air of one endeavouring to explain an otherwise unaccountable circumstance, "and they well, tihey hove me out, in fact. There were nine of them," he added, in the man- ner of one who is not quite sure if his excuse will be accepted. "And then?" "Then I went straight off to old Hughie's rooms" there was a respectful intaking of breath by the company : most of the College were wont to refer to the gentleman in question as Marrable "and knocked him up. He had just gone to bed." " What did he do ?" came the question, in lively anticipation of the recital to come. "Put on a few things over his pyjamas, and came along with me." The audience sighed ecstatically. "What happened?" said Poltimore. "Well, things were getting a bit lively by the time we arrived. Just as we got to the foot of the stair we were greeted by Muggeridge's oak, which some playful fellow had taken off its hinges and thrown over the banisters. However, we dodged that and raced up to the first floor. 12 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE "You could have heard a pin drop when we walked into the room. One or two of them looked a bit green, though, when they saw what a tower- ing passion Hughie was in. Still, Muggeridge was sober enough, and tried to talk it off. He stood up, and said, ' Hallo, Marrable ! This is splendid ! You are just in time to drink to the success of the crew to-morrow. We 're all sportsmen here. Come on, you chaps no heeltaps!' " He stood waving his glass, but anybody could see that he was in a putrid funk. " Hughie shut the door behind him and leaned against it, and said : "'Muggeridge, I don't know you very inti- mately, but I know this, that you always were a worm and a bounder. You can't altogether help that, and personally I don't particularly mind, although you give the College away a bit. Still, I think the College can bear that. You are quite at liberty to get full and amuse yourself in any way you please, so long as you and your pals don't in- terfere with other people. But when it comes to disturbing my crew, who have to fight the battles of the College on behalf of warriors like you and these gentlemen here, whose favourite field-sport is probably billiards well, that 's just what I call a bit too thick!' "All this time Muggeridge was looking pretty averagely uncomfortable. The other chaps were NAVAL MANCEUVRES 13 gazing at him, evidently waiting for a lead. But you could see he was pretty well up a stump as to what to do next. However, next time old Hughie paused for breath, he said : "'Oh, get out!' "It was a rotten thing to say. Hughie smiled at him. " ' All right,' he said, ' but I must put you to bed before I go.' "Before anybody could do anything he was across the room and had a grip of Muggeridge by the back of the neck and one wrist, which he twisted round behind somehow. Then he turned him round, and kicked him all the way across the room into his bedroom. He used Muggeridge' s head as a sort of battering-ram to open the door with. Oh, it was the most gorgeous spectacle !" There was a little sigh of rapture all round the group. Muggeridge was a prominent member of that class of society which undergraduates and other healthy and outspoken Philistines designate simply and comprehensively as "Tishbites" or "Tishes." "He shut him in and locked the door," con- tinued the coxswain, " and then he turned on the other eight. They were a pretty average lot of worms you know them ?" There was a murmur of assent, and Mr. Polti- 14 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE more, with rather belated presence of mind, hur- riedly explained to the Oxford gentleman that the band of heroes under discussion were not in any sense representative of the rank and file of the College. And they just sat round the table looking perfectly paralytic. (As a matter of fact most of them were.) Hughie laid hold of the biggest of them Skeffington and said : "This meeting is adjourned, gentlemen. Just to show you that I'm speaking the truth, I'll heave the senior member present downstairs ! '" "Did he?" asked everybody. "No. He'd have killed him if he had. He picked Skeff up by the collar and the seat of his bags and said to me, * Watch 'em, Dishy !' Then he carried Skeff downstairs, and slugged him into the middle of the grass plot outside." "Good egg!" murmured Mr. Angus. ' "Didn't the others try to bolt?" inquired Towzer. " The idea was mooted," replied the coxswain loftily, "but I told them to sit still or they'd get their silly heads knocked together." "Did he cart them all downstairs?" "No; it would have been too tame a job with such a set of mangy squirts. He simply came back and said : " * Now, you miserable little snipes, I give you NAVAL MANOEUVRES 15 fifteen seconds to quit these premises. The last man out will be personally assisted downstairs by me. I'm sorry I've only got slippers on.' Still, he landed the Honourable Hopton-Hattersley a very healthy root for all that," concluded Dishy, with a seraphic smile. "After that the porter arrived with the Dean's compliments, and it was past the hour for music, gentlemen ; but Hughie slapped him on the back and told him that he had arrived too late for the fair. Then he went home to bed as cool as a cucumber. Oh, he's Hallo, there he is! I must catch him. So long, you men! See you at lunch, Reggie." And Mr. Dishart- Watson, swelling with im- portance, hurried off to overtake a figure which had swung out of a distant staircase in the south- west corner of the court and was striding towards the gateway. There was no undergraduate slouchiness dis- cernible either in the dress or in the appearance of the Captain of the St. Benedict's boat. He was a strong-limbed, clean-run young man of about twenty-one; perhaps a trifle too muscular to be a quick mover, but, with his broad back and sinewy loins, an ideally built rowing-man. He was a youth of rather grave countenance, with shrewd blue eyes which had a habit of disap- pearing into his head when he laughed, and a mouth in which, during these same periods of 16 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE exhilaration, his friends confidently asserted that you could post a letter. He was a born leader of men, and, as the discerning reader will have gathered from Mr. Dishart- Watson's narrative, was still strongly imbued with what may be called public-school principles of justice. He en- tirely refused to suffer fools gladly or even re- signedly, but had a kindly nod for timorous freshmen, a friendly salute for those Dons who regarded undergraduates as an integral part of the scheme of college life and not merely as a necessary evil, and a courtly good-day for flut- tered and appreciative bedmakers. He never for- got the faces or names of any of those over him or under him Dons and college servants, that is ; and further, in his own walk of life (a society in which you may recognise the existence of no man, even though he daily passes you the salt or gathers you under his arm in the familiarity of a Rugby scrummage, until you have been formally introduced to him), he never pretended to do so. While Mr. Dishy- Washy's short legs are en- deavouring to bring him alongside the striding Olympian in front, it will perhaps be well to ex- plain why it was so absolutely essential to the welfare of St. Benedict's College that eight young men should enjoy a night's rest untrammelled by revels on the floors below. For the benefit of those who have never made NAVAL MANCEUVRES 17 a study of that refinement of torture known as a "bumping" race, it may be mentioned that at Oxford and Cambridge the various College crews, owing to the narrowness of their rivers, race not abreast but in a long string, each boat being separated from its pursuer and pursued by an equal space. Every crew which succeeds in row- ing over the course without being caught (or "bumped") by the boat behind it is said to have "kept its place," and starts in the same position for the next day's racing. But if it contrives to touch the boat in front, it is said to have made a "bump," and both bumper and bumped get under the bank with all speed and allow the rest of the procession to race past. Next day bumper and bumped change places, and the victors of the day before endeavour to repeat their performance at the expense of the next boat in front of them. The crew at "the head of the river" have, of course, nothing to catch, and can accordingly devote their attention to keeping away from Number Two, which is usually in close attendance owing to the pressing attention of Number Three. And so on. The racing takes place during four successive evenings in the May Week, so called for the somewhat inadequate reason that it occurs in June. It was now Saturday, the last day of the races, and the men of St. Benedict's knew that 18 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE an enormous effort must be made that evening. So far they had made two bumps, comparatively easily. Starting from fourth place they were now second on the river, and only the All Saints boat stood between them and the haven where they would be. They had tried last night to bring their foe down, but had failed ; they were going to try again to-night, but All Saints were a terribly strong crew. They had been Head for five years, and there were four Blues in the boat. Public opinion admitted that St. Benedict's were about the fast- est crew on the river that year, but considered that a seasoned lot like All Saints could keep on spurting away long enough to last out the course. "Unless, of course," people said, "unless Marrable does something extra special." It was wonderful what a lot the world in gen- eral seemed to expect of Marrable. Character counts for something even among the very young ; and there is no more youthful member of society than the undergraduate. The sixth-form boy is a Nestor compared with him. Meanwhile our diminutive friend Dishy, the coxswain, had succeeded in overtaking his cap- tain, just as that great man stepped into a han- som in Trinity Street. "Where are you off to, Hughie?" he panted. "Station." NAVAL MANOEUVRES 19 "People?" "Yes." "Well, I'm coming with you. I'll cut away before you meet her." Dishy was one of the few who dared to address Marrable in this strain. The two installed themselves in the hansom, and while the experienced animal between the shafts proceeded down Trinity Street, butting its way through sauntering pedestrians, pushing past country-parsonical governess carts, taking dogs in its stride, and shrinking apprehensively from motor-bicycles ridden by hatless youths in bedroom slippers, they discussed affairs of state. "There's only one way to do it, Dishy," said Marrable. "I'm going stroke." Dishy nodded approvingly. "It's the only thing to do," he said. "But who is going to row seven Stroke ?" "Yes." "Bow-side will go to pieces," said Dishy with conviction. "Perhaps. But as things are at present stroke side will." "That's true," admitted the coxswain. "Let's see now : there'll be you stroke, Duncombe seven, Puffin six it's worth trying anyhow. We're bound to keep away from the James' people, so we might as well have a shot." 20 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE "Clear out now," said Marrable, "and go round and tell the men to be at the boathouse by four, and we'll have a ten minutes' outing in the new order. Then, when you've done that, cut down to the boathouse and tell Jerry to alter my stretcher and Duncombe's." These commands involved a full hour's exces- sive activity in a hot sun on the part of Mr. Dish- art-Watson; but Marrable was not the man to spare himself or his subordinates when occasion demanded. The coxswain descended to the step of the hansom and clung to the splash-board as he re- ceived his last instructions. "And tell Jerry," added Marrable, "to get down a new stroke-side oar, with a good six-inch blade. Duncombe's has been shaved down to a tooth-pick." Dishy nodded cheerfully and dropped off into the traffic. "The old man means business. We shall go Head now," he murmured to himself with simple confidence. "All right, sir, my fault entirely. Don't apologise!" And leaving an inverted motor-cyclist, who had run into him from behind, to congest the traffic and endure laceration from his own still faith- fully revolving pedals, the coxswain of the St. Benedict's boat proceeded at a brisk pace back NAVAL MANCEUVRES 21 to his College, there to inform a sorely tried troupe of seven that, owing to an eleventh-hour change in the cast, a full-dress rehearsal of their evening's performance had been called for four o'clock sharp. CHAPTER II INTRODUCES THE HEROINE OF THIS NARRATIVE IT has been said by those who ought to know that, if the most painful quarter of an hour in a man's life comes when he is screwing himself up to proposing-point, the corresponding period in a woman's is that immediately preceding her first dinner-party in her own house. Granting the unpleasantness of both these chastening but necessary experiences, a mere male may be excused for inquiring why the second should be ear-marked as the exclusive preroga- tive of the opposite sex. There is no more mor- bidly apprehensive creature under the sun than the undergraduate about to give a state luncheon- party which is to be graced by the presence of his beloved. Hughie Marrable sat back in his hansom with knitted brow, and checked some hieroglyphics on the back of an envelope. " Let's see," he murmured to himself, "Dressed crab. Can't go wrong there. Told the cook to be sure to send it up in the silver scallops with the College crest on. After all, it's the trim- mings that really appeal to a woman. Not the INTRODUCES THE HEROINE 23 food, but the way you serve it up. Rum crea- tures!" he added parenthetically. "Prawns in aspic. That always looks nice, anyway, though not very filling at the price. I remember last year Kitty Devenish said it looked simply " Hughie checked his soliloquy rather suddenly, and, if any one else had been present in the han- som, would probably have blushed a little. Miss Kitty Devenish was what cycle-dealers term "a last year's model," and at the present moment Hughie was driving to meet some one else. He continued : " Cutlets a la reform. Quite the best thing the kitchens turn out, but not so showy as they might be. Still, with old Huish's Crown Derby plates it was decent of the old man to lend them; I hope to goodness Mrs. Gunn won't do anything rash with them they ought to do. Grassy corner pudding. That always creates ex- citement, though it tastes rotten. Fruit salad; creme brule. That's safe enough. Macaroni au gratin. She won't touch it, but it'll please Uncle Jimmy and Jack Ames. Wish I could have some myself ! Never mind ; only about six hours more ! " Hughie smacked his lips. It is hard to sit among the flesh-pots and not partake thereof. His fare at this feast would be cold beef and dry toast. He turned over the envelope. 24 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE " H'm drink. Don't suppose she'll have any- thing, but I can't take that for granted. There's a bottle of Berncastler Doctor and some Beaune. I wonder if it would be best to have them open before I ask her what she'll drink, or ask her what she'll drink before I open them. I'll have 'em open, I think. She might refuse if she saw the corks were n't drawn. Anyhow Mrs. Ames will probably take some. But, great Scott! I must ask Mrs. Ames first, mustn't I? That's settled anyway. She'll probably take whatever Mrs. Ames takes. "Then there are the table decorations. I wish to goodness I could remember whether it was wall-flower she said. I think it must have been, because I remember making some putrid joke to her once about like attracting unlike. Anyhow, it's too late to change it now. I've plumped for wall-flower, and the room simply stinks of it. "Then the seats. Me at the head, with Mrs. Ames on one hand and her on the other. Uncle Jimmy at the end, with Ames on his left and Dicky Lunn between Mrs. Ames and Uncle Jimmy. Yes, Ames must sit there. Lord knows, Dicky Lunn should be safe enough, but you never know what sort of man a girl won't take a fancy to. And after all, Ames is married," added the infatuated youth. " Then Mrs. Gunn. I think I 've told her every- INTRODUCES THE HEROINE 25 thing." He feverishly ticked off his admonitions on his fingers. " Let me see, " One: not to put used plates on the floor. " Two: not to join in the conversation. " Three: not to let that wobbly affair in her bonnet dip into the food. " Four: not to breathe on things or polish them with her apron, except out of sight. "Five: not to attempt on any account to hand round the drink. " Six: to go away directly after lunch and not trot in and out of the gyp-room munching re- mains. "The tea- hamper should be all right. Trust the kitchens for that ! I must remember to stick in a box of chocolates, though. And I don't think I need bother about dinner, as they are going to send in Richards to wait. Anyhow, I shall have the boat off my chest by that time. That will be something, especially if " Hughie lapsed into silence, and for a moment a vision of love requited gave place in his imagina- tion to the spectacle of the Benedictine crew going Head of the river. His reflections were interrupted by the arrival of his equipage at that combined masterpiece of imposing architecture and convenient arrange- ment, Cambridge railway station. The platform was crowded with young men, most of them in 26 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE "athletic dress," waiting for the London train. The brows of all were seamed with care, partak- ing in all probability of the domestic and amorous variety which obsessed poor Hughie. The train as usual dashed into the station with a haughty can't-stop-at-a-hole-like-this expres- sion, only to clank across some points and grind itself to an ignominious and asthmatic standstill at a distant point beside the solitary and inter- minable platform which, together with a ticket- office and a bookstall, prevents Cambridge rail- way station from being mistaken for a rather out-of-date dock-shed. Presently Hughie, running rapidly, observed his guests descending from a carriage. First came a pleasant-faced lady of between thirty and forty, followed by a stout and easy- going husband. Next, an oldish gentleman with a white moustache and a choleric blue eye. And finally pretty, fresh, and disturbing ap- peared the Jons et origo of the entire expedition, on whose account the disposition and incidents of Hughie's luncheon-party had been so cunningly planned and so laboriously rehearsed Miss Mildred Freshwater. The party greeted their host characteristically. His uncle, even as he shook hands, let drop a few fervent anticipatory remarks on the subject of lunch; Mr. Ames, who was an old college boat INTRODUCES THE HEROINE 27 captain, coupled his greeting with an anxious inquiry as to the club's prospects of success that evening; Mrs. Ames' eyes plainly said, "Well, I've brought her, my boy; now wire hi!" and Miss Freshwater, when it came to her turn, shook hands with an unaffected pleasure and camara- derie which would have suited Hughie better if there had been discernible upon her face what Yum- Yum once pithily summed up as "a trace of diffidence or shyness." Still, Hughie was so enraptured with the vision before him that he failed to observe a small and shrinking figure which had coyly emerged from the train, and was hanging back, as if doubtful about its reception, behind Mrs. Ames' skirts. Presently it detached itself and stood before Hughie in the form of a small girl with coppery brown hair and wide grey-blue eyes. "Joey!" shouted Hughie. "She would come !" explained his uncle, in the resigned tones of a strong man who knows his limits. The lady indicated advanced to Hughie's side, and, taking his hand, rubbed herself ingratiatingly against him in the inarticulate but eloquent man- ner peculiar to dumb animals and young children. CHAPTER III JIMMY MARRABLE LUNCHEON on the whole was a success, though Mrs. Gunn's behaviour exceeded anything that Hughie had feared. She began by keeping the ladies adjusting their hair in Hughie's bedroom for something like ten minutes, while she recited to them a detailed and revolting description of her most recent complaint. Later, she initiated an impromptu and unseemly campaign beginning with a skirmish of whis- pers in the doorway, swelling uproariously to what sounded like a duet between a cockatoo and a bloodhound on the landing outside, and dying away to an irregular fire of personal innuendoes, which dropped over the banisters one by one, like the gentle dew of heaven, on to the head of the retreating foe beneath with a kitchen- man over a thumb-mark on a pudding-plate. But fortunately for Hughie the company tacitly agreed to regard her as a form of comic relief; and when she kept back the salad-dressing for the express purpose frustrated at the very last moment of pouring it over the sweets ; yea, even when she suddenly plucked a hairpin from JIMMY MARRABLE 29 her head with which to spear a wasp in the grassy corner pudding, the ladies agreed that she was "an old pet." When Mrs. Ames went so far as to follow her into the gyp-room after lunch and thank her for her trouble in waiting upon them, Mrs. Gunn, divided between extreme gratifica- tion and a desire to lose no time, unlimbered her batteries at once ; and Hughie's tingling ears, as he handed round the coffee, overheard the porten- tous and mysterious fragment: "Well, mum, I put 'im straight to bed, and laid a hot flannel on his ," just as the door of the gyp-room swung to with a merciful bang. It was now after two, and Hughie, in response to a generally expressed desire, laid before his guests a detailed programme for the afternoon. He proposed, first of all, to show them round the College. After that the party would proceed to Ditton Paddock in charge of Mr. Richard Lunn who, it will be remembered, had been selected by Hughie as cavalier on account of his exceptional qualifications for the post in company with a substantial tea-basket, the contents of which he hoped would keep them fortified in body and spirit until the races began with the Second Di- vision, about five-thirty. " How are you going to get us down to Ditton, Hughie?" inquired his uncle. "Well, there's a fly which will hold five of you, 30 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE and I thought" Hughie cleared his throat "I could take the other one down in a canoe." There was a brief pause, while the company, glancing at one another with varying expressions of solemnity, worked out mental problems in Permutations and Combinations. Presently the tactless Ames inquired : " Which one are you going to take in the canoe ? " " Oh, anybody," said Hughie, in a voice which said as plainly as possible: "Silly old ass!" However, realising that it is no use to continue skirmishing after your cover has been destroyed, he directed a gaze of invitation upon Miss Fresh- water, who was sitting beside him on the seat. She turned to him before he could speak. "Hughie," she said softly, "take that child. Just look at her!" Hughie obediently swallowed something, and turned to the wide-eyed and wistful picture on the sofa. "Will you come, Joey?" he inquired. The lady addressed signified, by a shudder of ecstasy, that the answer to the invitation was in the affirmative. " Meanwhile," said Mr. Marrable, " I am going to smoke a cigar before I stir out of this room. And if you people will spare Hughie for ten min- utes, I'll keep him here and have a short talk with him. I must go back to-night." JIMMY MARRABLE 31 The accommodating Mr. Lunn suggested that this interval should be bridged by a personally conducted expedition to his rooms downstairs, where he would have great pleasure in exhibiting to the company a "rather decent" collection of door-knockers and bell-handles, the acquisition of which articles of vertu (he being a youth of strong wrist and fleet foot) was a special hobby of his. Hughie was left alone with his uncle the only relation he possessed in the world, and the man who had been to him both father and mother for nearly eighteen years. Hughie had been born in India. His recollec- tions of his parents were vague in the extreme, but if he shut both eyes and pressed hard upon them with his hands he could summon up various pictures of a beautiful lady, whose arms were decked with glittering playthings that jingled musically when she carved the chicken for Hughie's nursery dinner. He particularly remem- bered these arms, for their owner had a pleasant habit of coming up to kiss him good-night after his ayah had put him to bed. On these occa- sions they were always bare ; and Hughie remem- bered quite distinctly how much more comfortable they were then than next morning at tiffin, when they were enclosed in sleeves which sometimes scratched. Of his father he remembered less, except that 32 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE he was a very large person who wore gorgeous raiment of scarlet. Also things on his heels which clicked. He had a big voice, too, this man, and he used to amuse himself by training Hughie to stand stiffly erect whenever he cried, "'Shun!" Hughie also remembered a voyage on a big ship, where the passengers made much of him, and a fascinating person in a blue jersey (which unfortunately scratched) presented him with nu- merous string balls, which smelt most gloriously of tar but always fell into the Indian Ocean or some other inaccessible place. Then he remembered arriving with his parents at a big bungalow in a compound full of grass- plots and flower-beds, where a person whom he afterwards learned to call Uncle Jimmy greeted him gravely and asked him to accept his hospi- tality for a time. After that quite soon he remembered saying good-bye to his parents, or rather, his parents saying good-bye to him. The big man shook him long and solemnly by the hand, which hurt a good deal but impressed Hughie deeply, and the beautiful lady's arms with thick sleeves on, too ! clung round Hughie's neck till he thought he would choke. But he stood stiffly at " 'shun" all the time, because his parents seemed thoroughly unhappy about something, and he desired to please them. He had never had a woman's arms round his neck since. JIMMY MARRABLE 33 After his parents had gone, he settled down happily enough in the big compound, which he soon learned to call "the garding." The name of the bungalow he gathered from most of the people with whom he came in contact was " The 'All," though there were some who called it "Manors," and Uncle Jimmy, who, too, appa- rently possessed more than one name, was inva- riably referred to by Hughie's friends in the vil- lage as "Ole Peppery." Very shortly after his parents' departure Hughie overheard a conversation between his uncle and Mrs. Capper, the lady who managed the house- hold, which puzzled him a good deal. "Understand, Capper, I won't have it," said his uncle. "Think what people will say, sir," urged Mrs. Capper respectfully but insistently. "I don't care a" Capper coughed discreetly here " what people say. The boy is not going to be decked out in crape and hearse-plumes to please you or any other old woman." "Hearse-plumes would not be essential, sir," said the literal Capper. "But I think the child should have a little black suit." "The child will run about in his usual rags," replied Old Peppery, in a voice of thunder ; " and if I catch you or any one else stuffing him up with yarns about canker-worms or hell-fire, or any 34 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE trimmings of that description, I tell you straight that there will be the father and mother of a row." "Yes, sir," said Capper meekly. "And I de- sire, sir," she added in the same even tone, "to give warning." Thereupon Uncle Jimmy had stamped his way downstairs to the hall, and Hughie was left won- dering what the warning could have been which Mrs. Capper desired to utter. It must have been a weighty one, for she continued to deliver it at intervals during the next ten years, long indeed after Hughie's growing intelligence had dis- covered its meaning. But her utterances received about as much attention from her employer as Cassandra's from hers. However, the immediate result of the conver- sation recorded above was that Mrs. Capper made no attempt to deck Hughie in crape or hearse- plumes; and later on, when he was old enough to understand the meaning of death, his uncle told him how his parents had gone to their God together " the happiest fate, old man, that can fall on husband and wife" one stormy night in the Bay of Biscay, in company with every other soul on board the troop-ship Helianthus, and that henceforth Hughie must be prepared to regard the broken-down old buffer before him as his father and mother. Hughie had gravely accepted this arrangement, JIMMY MARRABLE 35 and for more than seventeen years he and his uncle had treated one another as father and son. Jimmy Marrable was a little eccentric, but so are most old bachelors, and like a good many eccentric men he rather prided himself on his peculiarities. If anything, he rather culti- vated them. One of his most startling character- istics was a habit of thinking aloud. He would emerge unexpectedly from a brown study, to comment to himself with stunning suddenness and absolute candour on the appearance and manners of those around him. It was credibly re- ported that he had once taken a rather intense and voluble lady in to dinner, and after regarding her for some time with a fixity of attention which had deluded the good soul into the belief that he was hanging on her lips, had remarked to him- self, with appalling distinctness, during a lull in the conversation : " Guinea set misfit at the top gutta-percha fixings wonder they don't drop into her soup ! " and continued his meal with- out any apparent consciousness of having said anything unusual. He was eccentric, too, about other matters. Once Hughie, returning from school for his holi- days, discovered that there had been an addition to the family in his absence. Mrs. Capper's very face in the hall told him that something was wrong. Its owner informed 36 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE Hughie that though one should be prepared to take life as one found it, and live and let live had been her motto from infancy, her equilibrium ever since the thing had happened had lain at the mercy of the first aggressively disposed fea- ther that came along, and what people in the neighbourhood would say she dared not think. She ran on. Hughie waited patiently, and pre- sently unearthed the facts. A few weeks ago the master had returned from a protracted visit to London, bringing with him two children. He had announced that the pair were henceforth to be regarded as permanent in- mates of the establishment. Beyond the fact that one brat was fair and a boy and the other darkish and a girl, and that Mrs. Capper had given warning on sight, Hughie could elicit no- thing, and waited composedly for his uncle to come home from shooting. Jimmy Marrable, when he arrived, was not communicative. He merely stated that the little devils were the children of an old friend of his, called Gaymer, who had died suddenly and left them to be brought up by him as guardian. "And Hughie, my son," he concluded, "if you don't want your head bitten off you will refrain in this case from indulging in your propensity for asking why and getting to the bottom of things. I'm not best pleased at finding them on JIMMY MARRABLE 37 my hands, but here they are and there's an end of it. The girl is five ten years younger than you and the boy's eight. She is called Joan, and his idiotic name is Lancelot Wellesley. I wonder they did n't christen him Galahad Na- poleon ! Come upstairs and see them." All this had occurred seven years ago. During that time Lancelot Wellesley Gaymer had grown up sufficiently to go to a public school, and con- sequently Miss Joan Gaymer had been left very much in the company of the curious old gentle- man whom she had soon learned to call Unker Zimmy. Of their relations it will be sufficient at present to mention that a more curiously as- sorted and more thoroughly devoted couple it would be difficult to find. Jimmy Marrable reclined on the window seat and smoked his cigar. His nephew, enviously eyeing the blue smoke, sprawled in an arm-chair. "Hughie," said the elder man suddenly, "how old" are you ? Twenty-one, is n't it ?" "Yes." " And are you going down for good next week ? "Yes." Hughie sighed. "Got a degree?" "Tell you on Tuesday." "Tell me now." "Well yes, I should think." "What in?" 38 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE " Mechanical Stinks Engineering. Second Class, if I'm lucky." "Urn. Got any vices?" "Not specially." "Drink?" "No." "Not a teetotaller?" said Jimmy Man-able in some concern. "No." "That's good. Ever been drunk ?" "Yes." " Badly, I mean. I 'm not talking about bump- supper exhilaration." "Only once." "When?" "My first term." "What for?" "To see what it was like." "Perfectly sound proceeding," commented Jimmy Marrable. " What were your impressions of the experiment?" "I have n't got any," said Hughie frankly. "I only woke up next morning in bed with my boots on." "Who put you there?" "Seven other devils." "And you have not repeated the experiment ?" "No. There's no need. I know my capacity to a glass now." JIMMY MARRABLE 39 "Then you know something really worth know- ing," remarked Jimmy Marrable with sincerity. " Now, what are you going to do with yourself ? Why not go and see the world a bit ? You have always wanted to. And do it thoroughly while you are about it. Take five years over it; ten if you like. You will like, you know. It's in the blood. That's why I think you are wise not to want to enter the Service. You can always scrape in somewhere if there is a war, and barrack-life in time of peace would corrode your very heart out. It nearly killed your dad at five-and-twenty. That was why he exchanged and took to the Frontier, and ended his days in command of a Goorkha regiment. Life at first hand; that's what we Marrables thrive on ! I never set foot in this country myself between the ages of twenty and thirty-three. I would come with you again if it was n't for Anno Domini and the nippers. But you'll find a good many old friends of mine dotted about the world. They're not all folk I could give you letters of introduction to some of 'em don't speak English and others can't read and write; but they'll show you the ropes better than any courier. You take my advice, and go. England is no place for a young man with money and no particular profession, until he's over thirty and ready to marry. Will you go, Hughie?" Hughie's expression showed that he was con- 40 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE sidering the point rather reluctantly. His uncle continued : " Money all right, I suppose ? You have eight hundred a-year now you are of age. Got any debts, eh? I'll help you." "None to speak of. Thanks all the same." "Well; why not go?" "I should like to go more than anything," said Hughie slowly, "but" "Well?" "I don't know that is ' "I cfo," said Jimmy Marrable with character- istic frankness. " You are struggling between an instinct which tells you to do the sensible thing and an overpowering desire to do a dashed silly one." Hughie grew very red. His uncle continued : "You want to marry that girl." Hughie blazed up. "I do," he said, rather defiantly. The cigar glowed undisturbedly. "You think that life has no greater happiness to offer you ?" "I am sure of it," said Hughie, with an air of one stating a simple truth. "And you are twenty-one?" "Ye es," with less fire. Jimmy Marrable smoked reflectively for a few minutes. JIMMY MARRABLE 41 "I am an old bachelor," he said at last, "and old bachelors are supposed to know nothing about love-affairs. The truth of course is that they know far more than any one else." Hughie was accustomed to these obiter dicta. "Why?" he asked dutifully. "Well, for the same reason that a broken swashbuckler knows a deal more about soldier- ing than a duly enrolled private of the line. He has had a more varied experience. The longer a man remains a bachelor the more he learns about women ; and the more he learns about women the better able he will be to make his way in the world. Therefore, if he marries young he reduces his chances of success in life to a minimum. The sad part about it all is that, provided he gets the girl he wants, he does n't care. That, by the way, is the reason why nearly all the most famous men in history have either been unhap- pily married or not married at all. Happiness has no history. Happily married men are never ambitious. They don't go toiling and panting after : " "They have no need to," said Hughie. "A man does n't go on running after a tram-car after he has caught it." " That begs the question, Hughie. It presumes that all the available happiness in the world is contained in one particular tram-car. Besides, 42 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE the tram-cars you mean are intended for men over thirty. The young ought to walk." Hughie realised that the conversation was growing rather too subtle for him, and reverted to plain cut and thrust. " Then you think no man should marry before thirty?" he said. " Nothing of the kind ! It depends on the man. If he is a steady, decent, average sort of fellow, who regards a ledger as a Bible and an office- stool as a stepping-stone to the summit of the uni- verse, and possesses no particular aptitude for the rough-and-tumble of life, the sooner he mar- ries and settles down as a contented old pram- pusher the better for him and the nation. Do you fancy yourself in that line, Hughie?" "No-o-o," said Hughie reluctantly. "But I might learn," he added hopefully. "I'm a pretty adaptable bloke." Jimmy Marrable threw his cigar-end out of the window, and sat up. "Listen, Hughie," he said, "and I'll tell you what you really are. You are the son of a mother who climbed out of her bedroom window (and let herself down a rain-pipe that I would n't have trusted a monkey on) in order to elope with the man she loved. Your father was the commander of as tough a native regiment as I have ever known. Your grandfather was an explorer. I 've JIMMY MARRABLE 43 been a bit of a rolling-stone myself. About one relation of yours in three dies in his bed. You come of a stock which prefers to go and see things for itself rather than read about them in the newspaper, and which has acquired a con- siderable knowledge of the art of handling men in the process. Those are rather rare assets. If you take a woman in tow at the tender age of twenty-one, there will be a disaster. Either you will sit at home and eat your heart out, or you will go abroad and leave her to eat out hers. Am I talking sense?" Hughie sighed like a furnace. "Yes, confound you!" he said. " Will you promise not to rush into matrimony, then?" "Perhaps she'll wait for me," mused Hughie. "How old is she?" "Twenty-one, like me." "H'm," remarked Jimmy Marrable drily. "That means that she is for all practical pur- poses ten years your senior. However, perhaps she will. Pigs might fly. But will you promise me to think the matter over very carefully before deciding not to go abroad?" "Yes," said Hughie. "That being the case," continued his uncle briskly, "I want to tell you one or two things. If you do go, I may never see you again." 44 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE " I say," said Hughie in alarm, " there's nothing wrong with your health, is there, old man?" " Bless you, no ! But once a Marrable takes to the wilds Methuselah himself could n't reckon on living long enough to see him again. So I am going to talk to you while I've got you. I am taking this opportunity of being near town to see my solicitor and make my will. I am fit enough, but I am fifty this year ; and at that age a man ought to make some disposition of his pro- perty. I may as well tell you that I have left you nothing. Annoyed ? " "Not in the least." "And I have left nothing to Master Lance." Hughie looked a little surprised at this. "I mean to start him on his own legs before my demise," explained Jimmy Marrable. "Im- mediately, in fact. That is partly what I am going up to town for. I am investing a sum for him which ought to bring him in about two hundred a year for the rest of his life. He's nearly six- teen now, and he'll have to administer his income himself pay his own school-bills and every- thing. Just as I made you do. Nothing like ac- customing a boy to handling money when he's young. Then he does n't go a mucker when he suddenly comes into a lot of it. I shan't give him more, because it would prevent him from work- ing. Two hundred won't. A slug would perhaps JIMMY MARRABLE 45 live contentedly enough on it, but Lancelot Wellesley Gaymer is a pretentious young sweep, and he'll work in order to gain the means for making a splash. The two hundred will keep him going till he finds his feet." Jimmy Marrable paused, and surveyed his nephew rather irritably. "Well," he inquired at length, "haven't you any contribution to make to this conversation?" "Can't say I have had much chance so far," replied the disrespectful Hughie. "Don't you want to know what I'm going to do with the rest of my money? That's a ques- tion that a good many people are worrying them- selves about. Don't you want to join in the in- quisition?" "Can't say I do. No business of mine." His uncle surveyed him curiously. "You're infernally like your father, Hughie," he said. "Well, I'm going to leave it to Joey." "Good scheme," said Hughie. "You think so?" "Rather!" "There 's a lot of it," continued his uncle reflec- tively. " Some of it is tied up rather queerly, too. My executors will have a bit of a job." He surveyed the impassive Hughie again. "Don't you want to know who my executors are?" he inquired quite angrily. 46 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE "No," said Hughie, who was deep in other thoughts at the moment. "Not my business," he repeated. "Hughie," said Jimmy Marrable, "you are poor Arthur over again. He was a cursedly irri- tating chap at times," he added explosively. A babble of cheerful voices on the staircase announced the return of the safe-looking Mr. Lunn and party. They flowed in, entranced with that gentleman's door-knockers (the counte- nances of which, by the way, were usually com- pared by undergraduate critics, not at all unfa- vourably, with that of their owner), and declared themselves quite ready now to be properly im- pressed by whatever features of the College Hughie should be pleased to exhibit to them. One tour round a College is very like another ; and we need not therefore follow our friends up and down winding staircases, or in and out of chapels and libraries, while they gaze down on the resting-places of the illustrious dead or gape up at the ephemeral abodes of the undistinguished living. The expedition was chiefly remarkable (to the observant eye of Mrs. Ames) for the efforts made by its conductor to get lost in suitable company an enterprise which was invariably frustrated by the resolute conduct of that small but determined hero-worshipper, Miss Joan Gaymer. On one JIMMY MARRABLE 47 occasion, however, Hughie and Miss Freshwater were left together for a moment. The party had finished surveying the prospect from the roof of the College Chapel, and were painfully groping their way in single file down a spiral staircase. Only Hughie, Miss Freshwater, and the ubiqui- tous Miss Gaymer were left at the top. "You go next, Joey," said Hughie; "then Miss Freshwater, then me." The lady addressed plunged obediently into the gloomy chasm at her feet. She observed with frank jealousy that the other two did not imme- diately follow her, and accordingly waited for them in the belfry half-way down. Presently she heard their footsteps descending ; and Miss Freshwater's voice said : " I wanted to tell you about it first of anybody, Hughie, because you and I have always been such friends. Nobody else knows yet." There was a silence, broken only by Hughie's footsteps, evidently negotiating a difficult turn. Then Miss. Freshwater's voice continued, a little wistfully : "Are n't you going to congratulate me ?" And Hughie's voice, sounding strangely sepul- chral in the echoing darkness, replied : " Rather ! I I hope you'll be very happy. Mind that step." Miss Gaymer wondered what it was all about. 48 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE Hughie found an opportunity before the day was over of holding another brief conversation with his uncle, in the course of which he expressed an opinion on the advantages of immediate and extensive foreign travel which sent that opponent of early marriages back to town in a thoroughly satisfied frame of mind. "There ought to be a statue," said Jimmy Marrable to his cigar, as he leaned back reflec- tively in his railway carriage, " set up in the capi- tal of every British Colony, representing a female figure in an attitude of aloofness, and inscribed : Erected by a grateful Colony to its Principal Emi- gration Agent The Girl at Home Who Married 'Somebody Else" Then he sighed to himself rather forlornly, a woman would have said. CHAPTER IV AN UNDERSTUDY " The indulgence of the audience is asked on behalf of Miss Joan Gaymer t who, owing to the sudden indisposition of Miss Mildred Freshwater, has taken up that lady's part at very short notice." A COUPLE of hours later Hughie, roaring very gently for so great a lion, was engaged in paddling a Canadian canoe down to Ditton Corner. The canoe contained one passenger, who, with feminine indifference to the inflexible laws of science, was endeavouring to assist its progress by paddling in the wrong direction. Her small person, propped by convenient cushions, was wedged into the bow of the vessel, and her white frock and attenuated black legs were protected from the results of her own efforts at navigation by a spare blazer of Hughie's. Her hat lay on the floor of the canoe, half-full of cherries, and her long hair rippled and glimmered in the afternoon sun. Miss Joan Gaymer would be a beauty some day, but for the present all knowledge of that fact was being tactfully withheld from her. To do her justice, the prospect would have interested her but little. Like most small girls of eleven, she desired nothing so much at present as to resemble 50 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE a small boy as closely as possible. She would rather have captured one bird's-nest than twenty hearts, and appearances she counted as dross provided she could hold her own in a Catherine- wheel competition. They were rather a silent couple. Joan was filled with that contentment which is beyond words. She was wearing a new frock ; she had escaped under an escort almost exclusively male if we except the benevolent despotism of Mrs. Ames from home, nurse, and governess, to attend a series of purely grown-up functions; and to crown all, she was alone in the canoe, a light-blue blazer spread over her knees, with one who represented to her small experience the head and summit of all that a man should nay, could be. "I expect," she remarked, in a sudden burst of exultation, as the canoe slid past two gorgeously arrayed young persons who were seated by the water's edge, "that those two are pretty sorry they 're not in this canoe with us." The ladies referred to arose and walked inland with some deliberation. Hughie did not answer. His brow was knitted and his manner somewhat absent. "Hughie," announced Miss Gaymer reproach- fully, "you are looking very cross at me." She had a curiously gruff and hoarse little AN UNDERSTUDY 51 voice, and suffered in addition from inability to pronounce those elusive consonants r and /. So she did not say "very cross," but "ve'y c'oss," in a deep bass. Hughie roused himself. "Sorry, Joey!" he said; "I was thinking." "Sec'ets?" inquired Miss Gaymer, all agog with femininity at once. "No." "Oh," rather disappointedly. "About your old boat, then?" "Yes," said Hughie untruthfully. "Do you quite understand how we race ?" "I think so," said the child. "Your boat is second, and it wants to bump into the boat in font is that it?" "Yes." "Well, do it just when you pass us, will you ?" "I'll try," said Hughie, beginning to brighten up. "But it may take longer than that. About the Railway Bridge, I should think." "And after the race will you take me home again?" inquired the lady anxiously. " Can't be done, I'm afraid. The race finishes miles from Ditton, where you will be; and I should n't be able to get back in time. You had better drive home with the others." " When shall I see you again, then ?" demanded 52 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE Miss Gaymer, who was not of an age to be reti- cent about the trend of her virgin affections. "About seven. You are all coming to dine in my rooms." "Ooh!" exclaimed his companion in a flutter of excitement. " How long can I sit up ?" "Ask Mrs. Ames," replied the diplomatic Hughie. "Till ten?" hazarded Joey, with the air of one initiating a Dutch auction. "Don't ask me, old lady." "Supposing," suggested Miss Gaymer craftily, "that you was to say you wanted me to sit up and keep you company?" Hughie laughed. " Afraid that would n't work. I have to go out about nine to a Bump Supper." "What's that?" "A College supper, in honour of the men who have been rowing." "I like suppers," said Miss Gaymer tentatively. Hughie smiled. " I don't think you 'd like this one, Joey," he said. "Why? Don't they have any sixpences or thimbles in the t'ifle?" said Miss Gaymer, in whose infant mind the word supper merely con- jured up a vision of sticky children, wearing paper caps out of crackers, distending themselves un- der adult supervision. "I don't think they have any trifle." AN UNDERSTUDY 53 "Perfectly p'eposte'ous ! " commented Miss Gaymer with heat. (I think it has already been mentioned that she spent a good deal of her time in the company of Jimmy Marrable.) "Ices ?" "Let me see. Yes sometimes." "Ah!" crooned Joey, with a happy little sigh. "Can't I come?" "Afraid not, madam. Bump Suppers are for gentlemen only." "I should like that," said madam frankly. "And they are rather noisy. You might get frightened." "Not if I was sitting alongside of you," was the tender reply. Joey's anxiety for his company renewed Hughie's depression of spirits. Admiration and confidence are very desirable tributes to receive ; but when they come from every quarter save the right one the desirability of that quarter is only intensified. Poor human nature ! Hughie sighed again in a manner which caused the entire canoe to vibrate. Miss Gaymer suddenly turned the conversation. "What was that person talking to you about, Hughie?" she inquired. "Who?" "That person that came with us in the t'ain. Miss " Joey's mouth twisted itself into a hopeless tangle. 54 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE "Freshwater?" said Hughie, reddening. "Yes. When you were taking us round the Co'ege after lunch you and her stayed behind on the top of the Chapel, while the rest of us were coming down. When I was waiting for you, I heard her say: * You 're the first to hear of it, Hughie.' To hear of what?" Hughie looked genuinely disturbed. "I don't know whether she wants it known yet, Joey," he said. Miss Gaymer assumed an expression before which she knew that most gentlemen of her ac- quaintance, from Uncle Jimmy down to the coachman at home, were powerless. "Hughie dear, you'll tell me, won't you?" she said. Hughie, making a virtue of necessity, agreed. " Well, promise you won't tell anybody," he said. "All right," agreed Miss Gaymer, pleasantly intrigued. "She's going to be married," said Hughie, in a voice which he endeavoured to make as matter- of-fact as possible. It was not a very successful effort. At twenty-one these things hurt quite as much, if not so lastingly, as in later life. "I'm ve'y g'ad to hear it," remarked Miss Gaymer with composure. Hughie looked at the small flushed face before him rather curiously. AN UNDERSTUDY 55 "Why, Joey?" he asked. "Never mind!" replied Miss Gaymer primly. After that the conversation languished, for they were approaching the race-course, and boats of every size and rig were thronging round them. There was the stately family gig, with an aca- demic and myopic paterfamilias at the helm and his numerous progeny at the oars, sweeping the deep of surrounding craft like Van Tromp's broom. There was the typical May Week argosy, consisting of a rowing-man's mother and sisters, left in the care of two or three amorous but un- nautical cricketers, what time their relative per- formed prodigies of valour in the Second Divi- sion. There was also a particularly noisome home-made motor-boat, known up and down the river from Grantchester to Ely as "The Stink- pot," about the size of a coffin, at present oc- cupied (in the fullest sense of the word) by its designer, builder, and owner; who, packed se- curely into his craft, with his feet in a pile of small coal, the end of the boiler in the pit of his stomach, and the engines working at fever heat between his legs, was combining the duties of stoker, en- gineer, helmsman, and finally (with conspicu- ous success) director of ramming operations. Through these various obstacles Hughie, de- spite the assistance of his passenger, directed his canoe with unerring precision, and finally brought 56 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE up with all standing beside the piles at Ditton. He experienced no difficulty in making arrange- ments for the return journey of the canoe, for a gentleman of his acquaintance begged to be allowed the privilege of navigating it home, pleading internal pressure in his own craft as the reason. Hughie granted the boon with alac- rity, merely wondering in his heart which of the three languishing damsels planted round his friend's tea-urn he had to thank for the deliver- ance. They found the fly in a good position close to the water, with the rest of the party drinking tea, and meekly wondering when the heroes who dotted the landscape in various attitudes of ner- vousness would disencumber themselves of their gorgeous trappings and get to business. Hughie deposited Joan beside a mountain of buns and a fountain of tea, and, after expressing a hope that every one was getting on all right, announced that the Second Division might be expected to paddle down at any moment now. This statement involved a chorus of questions regarding the technicalities of rowing, which that model of utility, Mr. Lunn, had confessed him- self unable to answer, and which had accordingly been held over till Hughie's arrival. Hughie's rather diffident impersonation of Sir Oracle, and his intricate explanation of the exact AN UNDERSTUDY 57 difference between bucketing and tubbing (lis- tened to with respectful interest by surrounding tea-parties), was suddenly interrupted by a small but insistent voice, which besought him to turn the tap off and look pretty for a moment. There was a shout of laughter, and Hughie turned round, to find that one of those privileged and all too inveterate attendants upon the modern athlete, a photographer, was (with the assistance of a megaphone) maintaining a reputation for humorous offensiveness, at his expense, on the towpath opposite. After this the Second Division paddled down to the start, arrayed in colours which would have relegated such competitors as King Solomon and the lilies of the field to that euphemistic but hu- miliating category indicated by the formula "Highly Commended." Presently they returned, unclothed to an alarming and increasing extent, and rowing forty to the minute. One crew brought off a "gallery" bump right at Ditton Corner, to the joy of the galaxy of beauty and fashion there- on assembled. The bumped crew made the best of an inglorious situation by running into the piles and doubling up the nose of the boat, which suddenly buckled and assumed a sentry-box atti- tude over the head of the apoplectic gentleman who was rowing bow. The good ship herself in- continently sank, all hands going down with her 58 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE like an octette of Casabiancas. Whereupon ap- plause for the victors was turned into cries of compassion for the vanquished. However, as all concerned shook themselves clear of the wreck without difficulty and paddled contentedly to the bank, the panic subsided, and the rest of the procession raced past without further incident. As the last boat, remote, unfriended, melan- choly, slow, accompanied by a coloured gentle- man ringing a dinner-bell and a spectacled don who trotted alongside chanting, "Well rowed, Non- Collegiate Students !" creaked dismally past, Hughie arose and shook himself. "Our turn now," he said. "So long, every- body!" "Good luck, Hughie!" said Mrs. Ames. "Your health!" She waved her cup and then took a sip of tea. There was a chorus of good wishes from the party, and one or two neighbouring enthusiasts raised a cry of "Benedict's!" which swelled to a roar as Hughie, flushing red, elbowed his way out of the paddock and steered a course for a ferry- boat a hundred yards down the Long Reach. Popular feeling, which likes a peg upon which to hang its predilections, was running high in favour of Hughie and his practically single-handed en- deavour to humble the pride of the All Saints AN UNDERSTUDY 59 men, with their four Blues and five years' Head- ship. Still, though many a man's especially a young man's heart would have swelled excus- ably enough at such homage, Hughie cared very little for these things. The notoriety of the sport- ing paper and the picture-postcard attracted him not at all. He was doggedly determined to take his boat to the Head of the river, not for the glory the achievement would bring him, but for the very simple and sufficient reason that he had made up his mind, four Blues notwithstanding, to leave it there before he went down. A Cambridge man's pride in his College is a very real thing. An Ox- ford man will tell you that he is an Oxford man. A Cambridge man will say : " I was at such-and- such a College, Cambridge." Which sentiment is the nobler need not be decided here, but the fact remains. However, there was a fly in the ointment. Amid the expressions of goodwill that emanated from Hughie's own party one voice had been si- lent. The omission was quite unintentional, for Miss Mildred Freshwater 's head had been buried in a hamper in search of spoons at the moment of Hughie's departure. But to poor Hughie, who for all his strength was no more reasonable where his affections were concerned than other and weaker brethren, the circumstance bereft the ovation of 60 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE the one mitigating feature it might otherwise have possessed for him. As he strode along the bank to where the ferry- boat was waiting, he heard a pattering of feet behind. A small, hot, and rather grubby hand was thrust into his, and Miss Gaymer remarked : "I'm coming as far as that boat with you, Hughie. Can I ?" "All right, Joey," he replied. They had only a few yards farther to go. Miss Gavmer looked up into her idol's troubled coun- " L tenance. "What's the matter, Hughie!" she inquired. "Joey, I've got the hump." Miss Gaymer squeezed his arm affectionately. "Never mind, I'll marry you when I'm grown up," she announced rather breathlessly. Hughie felt a little awed, as a man must always when he realises that a woman, however old or young, loves him. He smiled down on the slim figure beside him. "You're a good sort, Joey," he said. "One of the best!" Miss Gaymer returned contentedly to her tea, utterly and absolutely rewarded for the effort involved by the sacrifice of this, her maidenly reserve. CHAPTER V THE JOY OF BATTLE HUGHIE stepped out of the ferry-boat on to the towpath, which was crowded with young men hastening to the places where the boats were moored and young women who would have been much better employed on the opposite bank. The punctilious Hughie was looking about for a friendly hedge or other protection behind which he might decorously slip off the white flannel trousers which during the afternoon had been veiling the extreme brevity of his rowing-shorts, when he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned and found himself faced by a stout clean-shaven man, with eyes that twinkled cheerfully behind round spectacles. He looked like what he was, a country parson of the best type, burly, humor- ous, and shrewd, with unmistakable traces of the schoolmaster about him. "I beg your pardon, sir," he said, with a rather old-fashioned bow, "but are you Mr. Marrable?" Hughie admitted the fact. "Well, I just want to say that I hope you are going Head to-night. You are to row stroke yourself, I hear." 62 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE "Yes." "Quite right, quite right! It's a desperate thing to change your crew about between races, but it's our only chance. You could never have caught them with the man you had last night. He's plucky, but he can't pick a crew up and take them with him. Have you been out in the new order?" "Yes. We had a short spin a couple of hours ago." "Satisfactory?" "Yes, very fair." "That's excellent. Now we shall see a race!" The speaker turned and walked beside Hughie in the direction of the Railway Bridge. Hughie wondered who he could be. " I suppose you are an old member of the Col- lege, sir," he said. " Yes. Have n't been able to come up for fif- teen years, though." "In the crew, perhaps?" continued Hughie, observing his companion's mighty chest it had slipped down a little in fifteen years and shoulders. "Yes," rather diffidently. "I thought so. About what year?" The stranger told him. Hughie grew interested. "You must have been in D'Arcy's crew," he THE JOY OF BATTLE 63 said, "the great D'Arcy. My father knew him well. Were you?" "Er yes." " My word ! " Hughie's eyes blazed at the men- tion of the name, which, uttered anywhere along the waterside between Putney Bridge and Henley, still rouses young oarsmen to respectful dreams of distant emulation and middle-aged coaches to floods of unreliable reminiscence. " He must have been a wonder in his time. Did you know him well ? What sort of chap was he ?" " Well you see I am D'Arcy," replied the stranger apologetically. After that he gave Hughie advice about the coming race. "I have watched the All Saints crew for three nights now," he said. "They are a fine lot, and beautifully together; but it is my opinion that they can't last." "They're a bit too sure of themselves," said Hughie. "Too many Blues in the boat." " How many ?" "Four. Seven, Six, Five, and Bow." "Good! They are probably labouring under the delusion that a boat with four Blues in it is four times as good as a boat with one Blue in it. Consequently they have n't trained very hard, especially those two fat men in the middle of the boat. What about their Stroke ? " 64 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE "Pretty enough, but a rotter when it comes to the pinch." "Good again! Well, these fellows have not once been extended during the races, for you gave them no sort of a run last night. You went to bits at the start and never quite recovered. However, that will give All Saints some false confidence, which is just what we want. Now what do you propose to do to-night? Jump on to their tails at the start?" "No good," said Hughie. "They are too old birds for that game. Besides, my crew want very carefully working up to a fast stroke. I can't trust Six at anything above thirty-four. He'll go on rowing that all day; but if I quicken up to thirty-six or seven he gets flustered, and forty sends him clean off his nut after about a minute. No, we must just wear them down." " Quite right," said D'Arcy. " If you are within a length at the Railway Bridge you ought just to do it." "The difficulty is," said Hughie ruefully, "that the crew are only good for about one spurt. It's a good spurt, I must say, but if it fails we are done. They can never slow down to a steady stroke again especially Six. So it simply has to be made at the right moment. The difficulty is to know when." "Have you got a reliable cox?" THE JOY OF BATTLE 65 "First-class." "Can't he tell you?" " Too much row going on," said Hughie. " The whole College will be on the towpath to-night." The Reverend Montague D'Arcy plunged his hand into the tail-pocket of his clerical frock-coat, and produced therefrom a large-pattern service revolver. "Look here," he said. "You would be able to hear this lethal weapon on the Day of Judgment itself. Will you consent to take your time from me?" "Rather! Thank you, sir." There was no doubting the sincerity of Hughie' s gratitude. "Well," continued the clergyman briskly, "I shall wait by the Railway Bridge, on the Barn- well side, away from the towpath. If you have made your bump before that you won't want me. Well and good. But I don't think you will have made it, and I don't advise you to try. For the first half of the course those All Saints men will match you stroke for stroke, and if you hustle your heavy man at Six he will probably lose his head. As you pass under the Railway Bridge quicken slightly not more than two strokes a minute, though. I have six shots in this re- volver. When you hear two of them, that will mean that you are getting within jumping dis- tance and must be ready for the spurt. When you 66 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE hear the remaining four in quick succession you must simply swing out and put the very last ounce of your blood and bones and bodies and souls into it. And if you catch 'em," concluded the reverend gentleman, "by gad! I'll dance the Cachuca on the bank!" By this time they had reached the spot where their racing-shell sixty-two feet of flimsy cedar wood was lying waiting for them. The rest of the crew, already assembled, were standing about in the attitudes of profound dejection or forced hilarity which appear to be the only alternatives of deportment open to men who are suffering from what is expressively termed "the needle." Some were whistling, others were yawning, and all were wondering why on earth men took up rowing as a pastime. Hughie gathered his Argonauts into a knot, and at his request the Reverend Montague D'Arcy outlined to them the plan of campaign. Then the crew embarked, and the stout clergyman assisted the grizzled College boatman the only person present whose nerves appeared unaffected by the prevailing tension to push their craft clear of the bank, and set them going on a half- minute dash as a preliminary to their long paddle down the course to the starting point of the race. In accordance with a picturesque but peculiar custom they wore in their straw hats bunches of THE JOY OF BATTLE 67 marigolds and corn-flowers the College colours as an intimation that they had achieved bumps during the preceding nights; and so be- decked they paddled majestically down the Long Reach, feeling extremely valorous and looking slightly ridiculous, to challenge a comparison (in which they were hopelessly outclassed from the start) with the headgear of the assembled fair in Ditton Paddock. The method of sending off a bumping race is the refinement of cruelty. As each boat reaches its starting-post the crews disembark and stand dismally about, listening to the last exhortations of coaches or nervously eye- ing the crew behind them. Presently an objec- tionably loud piece of artillery, situated half-way down the long line of boats, goes off with a roar. This is called "first gun," and means chiefly that there will be another in three minutes. The crew mournfully denude themselves of a few more articles of their already scanty wardrobe, which they pile upon the shoulders of the perspiring menial whose duty it is to convey the same to the finishing-post, and crawl one by one into their places in the boat. Finally, the coxswain coils himself into his seat and takes both rudder- lines in his left hand, leaving the right free to grasp the end of the boat's last link with terra firma, her starting-chain. Then the second gun 68 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE goes, and the crew shudder and know that in sixty seconds precisely they must start. The ritual observed during the final minute is complicated in the extreme, and varies directly with the nervous system of the coach, who dances upon the bank with a stop-watch in his hand, to time the ministrations of the College boat- man, who stands by with a long boat-hook ready to prod the vessel into midstream. " Fifteen seconds gone," says the coach. " Push her out, Ben." Ben complies, with a maddening but wise de- liberation. If the boat is pushed out too promptly the starting-chain will grow taut and tug the stern of the boat inwards towards the bank, just when her nose should be pointing straight upstream. But this elementary truth does not occur to the frenzied octette in the boat. The gun will go, and bow-side will find their oar-blades still resting on the towpath. They know it. " Thirty seconds gone," says the coach. " Pad- dle on gently, Bow and Two." His object is to get the full advantage of the length of the chain, but Bow and Two know better. They are convinced that he merely de- sires that they shall be caught at a disadvantage when the gun fires. However, they paddle on as requested, with a palsied stealthiness that sug- gests musical chairs. THE JOY OF BATTLE 69 "Fifteen seconds left," says the coach. "Are you straight, Cox ? Ten more sec " Ah ! As usual the chain has drawn tight, and the stern of the boat is being dragged inwards again. "Paddle on, Two!" yells the coxswain. Two gives a couple of frenzied digs ; the Der- vish with the watch, accompanied by a ragged and inaccurate chorus all down the bank, chants "Five, four, three, two "; there is a terrific roar from the gun ; the coxswain drops the chain ; the boatman slips the point of his boat-hook (which, between ourselves, has been doing the lion's share in keeping the ship's head straight) from Five's rigger; and they are off. The Benedictine crew got under way very un- ostentatiously. Their coach was actually rowing in the All Saints boat, and it would be difficult to select a more glowing testimonial to the ster- ling sportsmanship of English rowing, so the starting operations were wisely left to the Col- lege boatman, who had performed the office for something like half a century. The flight of time was recorded by Hughie himself, from the watch which hung on his stretcher beside his right foot. The experienced Mr. Dishart- Watson kept those too-often fatally intimate acquaintances, the rud- der-lines and starting-chain, tactfully apart, and the St. Benedict's boat got off the mark with a 70 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE start that brought her within a length of All Saints during the first half-minute. After that their opponents drew away. As D'Arcy had said, they were a seasoned crew, and nothing short of sheer superiority would wear them down. The two boats swung round Grassy Corner and entered the Plough Reach about their distance apart. All Saints were rowing the faster stroke. Hughie, who was keeping to a steady thirty- two, felt with satisfaction that the men behind him were well together. Number Seven, small but plucky, was setting bow-side a beautiful ex- ample in steady swing and smart finish. Six Mr. Puffin was rowing a great blade. To look at him now, you would ask why he had not been included in the University Crew. If you saw him trying to row forty to the minute, you would marvel that he should be included in any crew at all. Five was not looking happy. He was lying back too far and tugging at the finish. To him the boat seemed heavier than usual, for he was just beginning to realise the difference between seconding the efforts of Hughie Marrable and those of Mr. Buncombe. Still, he was plugging gamely. Four, a painstaking person, was encour- aging himself in a fashion entirely his own. After every stroke, as he sat up and swung for- THE JOY OF BATTLE 71 ward, he gasped out some little sotto voce remark to himself, such as, " Oh, well rowed, Four ! Stick to it, Four ! Use your legs, old man ! That's better! That's a beauty! Oh, well rowed, Four!" And so on. Where he got the necessary breath for these exercises nobody knew ; but some folk possess these little peculiarities, and row none the worse for them. Bow was an- other instance. He was a chirpy but eccentric in- dividual, and used to sing to himself some little ditty of the moment or possibly a hymn all through a race, beginning with the first stroke and ending exactly, if possible, with the last. He had been known, when stroking a boat, to quicken up to a perfectly incredible rate simply because he feared that the song would end before he completed the course, a contingency which he regarded as unlucky in the extreme. On the other hand, he would become quite depressed if he had to stop in the middle of a verse, and he was quite capable of rowing rallentando if he de- sired to synchronise his two conclusions. But few people have the time or inclination for these diversions while oscillating upon a sixteen- inch slide, and the rest of the crew were swing- ing at and plugging in grim silence. The two boats swept into the roaring medley of Ditton Corner. They flashed past the row of piles and tethered punts amid a hurricane of 72 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE shouts and waving handkerchiefs. Hughie, wrong- fully exercising his privilege as Stroke, allowed his eyes to slide to the right for a moment. He had a fleeting glimpse of the crimson and excited countenance of Miss Gaymer, as some man held her aloft in the crowd. Then the boat gave a slight lurch, and Joey was swallowed up again. Hughie felt guiltily responsible for the lurch, and recalling his gaze into the proper channel straight over the coxswain's right shoulder swung out again long and steadily. "Are we straight yet?" he gasped to Dishy. "Yes just." "Tell 'em to reach out a bit." Mr. Watson complied, in tones that rose high above the tumult on the bank and penetrated even into the harmonious soul of Bow, who was grappling with a difficult cadenza at the moment. "Six good ones!" said Hughie, next time his face swung up towards the coxswain's. " Now, you men, six good ones !" echoed Dishy. "One! Two! Five, you 're late! Three! Four! Five 1 Bow, get hold of it ! Six I Oh, well rowed ! " There was a delighted roar from the bank. The Benedictine crew were together again after the unsteadiness round Ditton. "How far?" signalled Hughie's lips. "Length and a half," replied Cox. "Less," he added, peering ahead. THE JOY OF BATTLE 73 They were half-way up the Long Reach now. In another minute or two they would be at the Railway Bridge, beyond which hard-pressed boats are popularly supposed to be safe. "Tell 'em going quicken," gurgled Hughie, "if can." Cox nodded, rather doubtfully, and Hughie ground his teeth. If only this accursed noise on the bank would cease, even for five seconds, Dishy would get a chance to make the crew hear. As it was, the ever- increasing crowd, rolling up fresh adherents like a snowball, made that feat almost an impossibility. But the coxswain was a man of experience and resource. Just as the boat passed under the Rail- way Bridge itself there was a momentary silence, for the crew were shut off from their supporters by some intervening balks of timber. Dishy seized the opportunity. " Be ready to quicken," he yelled. " Now ! Oh, well done!" The crew had heard him, and what was more, they had obeyed him. Stroke in the All Saints boat suddenly realised that the oncoming foe had quickened to thirty-five or six, and that the inter- val between the two boats had shrunk to some- thing under a length. He spurted in his turn, and his men spurted with him, but their length of stroke grew proportionately shorter, and the 74 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE pace of the boat did not increase. St. Benedict's were holding their advantage. "Half a length," said Dishy, in response to an agonised interrogation from Hughie's right eyebrow. Suddenly above the tumult there rang out two reverberating revolver-shots. A stout clergyman, whooping like a Choctaw, was tearing along the right bank of the river, which was practically clear of spectators, with his weapon smoking in his hand. Dishy's voice rose to a scream. "Look out be ready! Only six feet!" And now the musical gentleman who was rowing bow felt the boat lift unsteadily under him. A wave rolled across the canvas decking behind him, and he felt a splash of water on his back. " Washing us off !" was his comment. " Glory, glory! Another verse '11 do it. Now then, all together, "What though the spicy breezes Blow soft o'er Ceylon's " Bang! bang! bang! bang! The great service revolver rang out. The nose of the Benedictine boat, half submerged in a boiling flood, suddenly sprang to within three feet of the All Saints rudder. "Now, you men!" Mr. Dishart- Watson's wizened and saturnine countenance shrank sud- THE JOY OF BATTLE 75 denly and alarmingly to a mere rim surrounding his mouth. " Just ten more ! One two " Like St. Francis of Assisi, "Of all his body he made a tongue." He counted the strokes in tones that overtopped all the roars of encouragement and apprehension arising from the now hope- lessly mixed-up mob of Benedictine and All Saints men that raged alongside. Hughie Marrable quickened and quickened, and his crew responded sturdily. Faster and faster grew the stroke, and more and more pertinaciously did the nose of the Benedictine boat plough its way through the tur- bid waves emitted by the twitching rudder in front. Never had they travelled like this. Six was rowing like a man possessed. Four had ceased to encourage himself, and was plugging auto- matically with his chest open and his eyes shut. Bow may or may not have been singing : he was certainly rowing. There was a world of rolling and splashing, for the All Saints coxswain was manipulating his rudder very skilfully, and ever and again the aggressive nose of the Benedictine boat was sent staggering back by a rolling buffet- ing wave. But there was no stopping the Bene- dictines. Suddenly Dishy gave vent to a final cataclys- mic bellow. "You're overlapping!" They were almost at Charon's Grind. The cox- 76 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE swain's lank body stiffened in its little seat, and Hughie saw him lean hard over and haul on to the right-hand rudder- line. " Last three strokes ! Now, you devils ! Plug! plug! pi Aa a ee ooh ee easy all ! Oh, well rowed, well rowed, well rowed!" There was a lurch and a bump. " Done it ! ' Bows down to wood and stone? ' gasped Bow. The eight men let go their oars and tumbled forward on to their stretchers, and listened, with their heads and hearts bursting, to the din that raged on the bank. It was a fine confused moment. In the boat itself Cox was vainly endeavouring to shake hands with Stroke, who lay doubled up over his oar, with his head right down on the bottom of the boat, oblivious to everything save the blessed fact that he need not row any more. Consciousness that he had taken his crew to the Head of the River was yet to come. At the other end Bow, with his head clasped between his knees, was croaking half-hysterically to himself, "Two bars too soon, Hughie ! Oh, my aunt, we've gone Head! Two bars too soon!" On the towpath every one was shouting and shaking hands with indiscriminate bonhomie, this was one of those occasions upon which even the ranks of Tuscany could scarce forbear to THE JOY OF BATTLE 77 cheer, and everybody, with one exception, seemed to be ringing a bell or blowing a trumpet. The exception was supplied by a trio of young gentlemen, two of whom held an enormous Chinese gong suspended between them, while a third smote the same unceasingly with a mallet, and cried aloud the name of Marrable. It must be recorded here, to his honour, that the smiter bore upon his forehead an enormous and highly coloured bruise, suggestive of sudden contact with, say, a bedroom-door. On the opposite bank of the river, a stout, middle-aged, and apparently demented Clerk in Holy Orders was dancing the Cachuca. BOOK TWO FORTITER IN RE CHAPTER VI KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE IF all good Americans go to Paris when they die, it may safely be predicted that all the bad ones will be booked through to Coney Island. So much may be inferred from the regularity and zeal with which the Toughs, Hoboes, Bowery Boys, and other fearful wildfowl of the New York proletariat, accompanied by the corresponding females of the species, betake themselves every Sabbath by trolley-car or steamer to this haunt of ancient peace (which, by the way, is not to all appearances an island and harbours no conies) . Take Margate and Douglas and Blackpool, and pile them into an untidy heap ; throw in a dozen Fun-Cities from Olympia and half a score of World's Fairs from the Agricultural Hall ; add some of the less reputable features of Earl's Court and Neuilly Fair; include a race-course of the baser sort; case the whole in wood, and people it with sallow gentlemen in striped jerseys arid ladies answering exclusively to such names as Hattie, Sadie, and Mamie, reared up apparently upon an exclusive diet of peanuts and clam- chowder; keep the whole multitude duly con- 82 FORTITER IN RE trolled and disciplined by a police force which, if appearances go for anything, has been recruited entirely from the criminal classes; and you will be able faintly to realise what Coney Island can do when it tries on a fine Sunday in summer. So thought Hughie Marrable. He had been wandering round the world for nine years now; but not even a previous acquaintance with the Devil Dancers of Ceylon, the unhallowed revels of Port Said, or the refinements of a Central African Witch- Hunt (with full tom-tom accom- paniment), had quite prepared him for this. Still, it was part and parcel of Life, and Life was what he had left England to see. He had arrived in New York from San Fran- cisco two days ago. But let it not be imag- ined that he had been conveyed thither by any Grand-Trunk-Ocean-to-Ocean-Limited, or other refinement of an effete modernity. His transcon- tinental journey had occupied just three years. Since the day on which he steamed through the Golden Gate on a tramp-freighter from Yoko- hama he had been working his way eastward by easy stages, acquiring experience (as Jimmy Mar- rable had directed) of the manner in which the other half of the world lives. Incidentally he had mixed cocktails behind a Nevada bar ; learned to fire a revolver without taking it out of his pocket; accompanied a freight train over the Rockies in KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 83 the capacity of assistant brakeman his duties being chiefly confined to standing by with a coupling-pin, to discourage the enterprise of those gentlemen of the road who proposed to travel without tickets; and once, in a Southern State, he had been privileged to be present at that en- nobling spectacle to which the brightest nation on earth occasionally treats the representatives of an older civilisation the lynching of a negro. In a few days Hughie would sail for England, on board the mighty Apulia. It was not often that he travelled in such ostentatious luxury : the primitive man in him leaned towards something damp and precarious on board a sailing-ship or a collier ; but he happened to know that the Apulia intended going for the ocean record this trip ; and since the third engineer happened to be a friend of his, Hughie had decided that four-and-a-half days and nights down among the humming tur- bines and the spirits that controlled them would be cheap at the price of an expensively uphol- stered state-room many decks above, in which he would leave his baggage and occasionally sleep. For all that he had cast a regretful eye only that very morning on a battered little tramp- steamer which was loading up with cargo along- side a wharf at Hoboken due to sail for Europe, so a stevedore told him, in about two days' time. To-morrow he was to be taken yachting in 84 FORTITER IN RE New York harbour by an old P. and O. acquaint- ance, whom he had faithfully "looked up," in accordance with a two-year-old promise, at his city office that morning. In the evening, at the invitation of an American actor to whom he had once been of service in Calcutta, he was to dine at the Lambs' Club, the New York equivalent of the Garrick and Green Room, with a dash of the Eccentric thrown in, and the next day he was to pay a flying visit to Atlantic City. Meanwhile he was putting in a few off-hours at Coney Island. He had watched the islanders bathing, had witnessed a display of highly not to say epileptically Animated Pictures, had spent half-an-hour in an open cafe-chantant, where a bevy of tired-looking girls in short skirts pranced about with mechanical abandon at the back of the small stage, shouting the chorus of a ditty which a wheezy lady (who looked like the mother of all chorus-girls) was singing at the front; and had declined a pressing invitation from the keeper of an Anatomical Museum to step inside and " have a dollar's worth for a dime." Finally he drifted into a small theatre, where a melodrama of distinctly British flavour (seasoned to the Coney Island palate by a few distinctly local interpolations) was unfolding itself to a closely packed and hard-breathing audience. To judge from the state of the atmosphere the KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 85 entertainment had been in progress for some time. As Hughie took his seat the curtain rose on a moonlit military scene. Figures wrapped in great- coats sat round a camp-fire on the audience's right hand, the only plainly recognisable character being the Heroine, who, attired as a hospital nurse and positively starred with red crosses, was sew- ing aloofly upon an erection which looked like a sarcophagus, but was marked in plain figures " Ambulence." A sentry, who from his gait Hughie took (rightly) to be the Comic Man, was pacing up and down at the back. Presently the guard was changed, with much saluting of a pattern unknown at any War Office, and the Comic Man, released from duty, was called upon to sing " that dear ole song you useter sing at 'ome." The cold light of the moon having been temporarily replaced by broad daylight in order to give the singer's facial expression full play, he obliged; though why any one who had heard him sing the song before should have asked him to sing it again passed Hughie's com- prehension. Next a drummer-boy (female) was called upon by the company, and after a great exhibition of reluctance, fully justified by her subsequent performance, gave vent to a pa- triotic ditty, in which the only distinguishable rhymes were "Black Watch" and "Scotch." These revels brought the Hero on to the stage. 86 FORT1TER IN RE He was attired in clerical dress and a cavalry helmet; and, sitting down beside the Heroine upon the sarcophagus, he proceeded, oblivious of the presence of the entire guard, who were huddled round the fire not more than five feet away, to make her a proposal of marriage ; quot- ing Scripture to some purpose, and extorting a demure affirmative from the lady just before the Comic Man, who had obviously been lamenting that the success of the piece should be imperilled by such stuff as this, upset the soup-kettle, and so gave a fresh turn to the proceedings. All this time Hughie had been conscious of an increasing feeling of curiosity as to the identity of the only member of the glee-party round the fire who so far had made no contribution to the entertainment. He darkly suspected him of being the Villain, though what the Villain should be doing unrecognised at such a period of the play it was about the third act was hard to under- stand. However, the mystery was now cleared up by a French vivandiere by this time it was plain that the scene was laid in the Crimea who called upon the mysterious one, in the accents of Stratford-atte-Bowe, for a song and dance. No reply being forthcoming, the entire company (precipitately, but quite correctly, as it happened) rose up and denounced the stranger as a Russian and a spy. They had only themselves to blame KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 87 for his presence, for apparently he had strolled up and joined the party quite promiscuously; and no one had thought, so far, of asking him who he was or even of addressing him. The audience now sat up expectantly. But instead of taking the spy prisoner and shooting him on sight, the guard hurried off R.TJ.E. possibly to bring up their big guns or find a po- liceman. These deplorable tactics did not meet with the reward they deserved, for the Villain, instead of bolting off L. as fast as he could, lin- gered upon the stage to tell the audience that he had come back to have one more go at the Hero. (Goodness knows how many he had had !) The Hero obligingly appeared at that moment, and a section (whose numbers appeared to increase as the play proceeded) of the audience shouted to the Villain to cut in and do it now. But portent- ous trampings "off" announced the return of the glee-party, and the Villain, finding that he could not execute his perfectly justifiable design with- out considerable danger to his own person, and was in fact in a particularly tight place himself, suddenly appealed (with considerable "nerve," it seemed to Hughie) to the Hero, as a Cleric, to save him. The Hero (who was evidently a fool as well as a bore) immediately complied. "You must take upon you my identity," he remarked. In a twinkling they had exchanged great-coats, 88 FORTITER IN RE and the Villain was now by all the laws of Melo- drama completely disguised as the Hero. He dashed off L., just as a perfect avalanche of people, who had been faithfully and increasingly marking time in the wings, poured on to the stage R., and endeavoured almost to poke their rifles into the Hero's breast. But just as a nervous female in the audience, apprehensive about the sudden discharge of firearms, convulsively gripped Hughie's left elbow, the Heroine dashed on from nowhere, and taking her stand before the Hero apparently she was the only person upon the stage who recognised him uttered these thrill- ing but mysterious words : " You kennot far erpon ther Red Kerawss!" Curtain, amid thunders of applause. After a commendably short interval the cur- tain rose upon the next act. The Hero was now discovered asleep (under what must have struck any thoughtful member of the audience as highly compromising circumstances for a clergyman) in the cottage of a stout lady in a very short skirt and fur-topped boots ; whom, from the fact that her opening soliloquy commenced with the words, "Har, veil !" the audience rightly adjudged to be a Russian. This lady, it was soon plain, was consumed by a secret passion, for the Hero. In fact she proclaimed it in such strident tones that it was surprising that its object did not wake up. KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 89 This scene soon resolved itself into a series of determined efforts on the part of the Villain to terminate the existence of the Hero an enter- prise in which he by this time commanded the whole-hearted support of the greater part of the audience. His first attempt was foiled by the Comic Man, who entered singing " Keep the baby warm, Mother!" just as he had crawled within striking distance of the unwakeable Hero. Mut- tering curses, the unfortunate man announced his intention of retiring "to the woods," pending an- other opportunity. But he had no luck. Just as the Comic Man performed a humorous exit through the window, the stout lady most of the other characters, by the way, addressed her as "Tinker": possibly her name was Katinka came in through the door, filled with the fore- bodings of what she called "loove." Her subse- quent course of action could certainly only have been condoned on the plea of emotional insan- ity. She unceremoniously bundled the Hero out of bed fortunately he had gone there in his boots and sent him off on a transparent wild- goose chase to the "trenches." Then she got into bed herself, and when the Villain came crawling back from "the woods," brandishing his knife in the limelight, the audience were treated to a sort of up-to-date rendering of "Little Red Riding Hood," the part of the Wolf being sustained by 90 FORTITER IN RE Katinka, and that of Red Riding Hood by the now hopelessly demoralised Villain, who was once more chased back to his arboreal lurking-place with the muzzle of a revolver in the small of his back. In the next and final act the Villain made a supreme effort. He began by slaying the drum- mer-boy, presumably to keep his hand in, but on going through his victim's pockets in search of certain "despatches" which that youth- ful hero had undertaken to carry through the Russian lines, where to, heaven knows ! the unfortunate man discovered a locket, which instantly revealed to him the surprising, but none the less distressing, intelligence that he had slain his own son. His anguish was pitiful to behold, and when the Hero came on and began to rub it in by further excerpts from the Scriptures, the audience to a man decided that if the Villain brought it off this time no jury would convict, but that he would be bound over at the most. He certainly set about the business with more gumption than usual. Waiting until the Hero was well launched into "Secondly," with the limelight full in his eyes, he once more produced the glittering knife. Suddenly the ubiquitous Katinka dashed on, and in the most unsports- manlike manner shot the Villain in the small of the back, at a range of about eighteen inches. He KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 91 dropped dead across the body of his son (which must have hurt that infant prodigy very much). All the other characters sidled on from the wings and formed a grand concluding tableau, the Hero, egregious to the last and entwined in a stained- glass attitude with the Hospital Nurse, pronoun- cing a sort of benediction as the curtain fell. " Does n't this remind you of the Drama as it used to be dished up to the undergraduates in the old Barn at Cambridge ?" remarked a voice. Hughie turned to the speaker. He found beside him a man of about thirty, with a fair moustache, which half hid a weak but amiable mouth and a receding chin. He was dressed in the thick blue shore-going garments of the seaman, but he looked too slight for an A.B. and too clean for a fireman. " Deck-hand," said Hughie to himself. " Gentle- man once no, still !" "Hallo !" he replied. "You seem to know me. Forgive me if I ought to know you, but I can't fix you at present. Odd thing, too, because I don't often forget a face." "I was up at Cambridge in your time," said the man. "Not Benedict's?" " No Trinity. I was sent down ultimately. But I knew you well by sight. Often saw you in the boat, and so on. You're Marrable, aren't you ?" 92 FORTITER IN RE "Yes. Were you a rowing man ?" "No. I hunted with the Drag and rode at Cottenham in those days." He glanced philo- sophically at his present attire. "Come and have something," said Hughie. The man interested him. He might, of course, be a mere long-shore shark on the make, or he might be what he looked a good-hearted, well- born waster an incorrigible but contented fail- ure. Anyhow, five minutes over a friendly glass would probably settle the question. "I wonder if it's possible to obtain a decent British drink in this clam-ridden hole," Hughie continued. " The nearest thing to a product of the British Empire that you'll get here," said the man, "is Canadian Club whisky ; and personally I would rather drink nitric acid. We had better stick to lager. Come along: I know the ropes." Presently they found themselves in a German beer saloon, where a stertorous Teuton supplied their needs. "By the way," said the man, "I have the ad- vantage of you. My name is Allerton. Sorry I forgot!" "Thanks," said Hughie, rather lamely. "Are you living out here just now?" " No," said Allerton simply. " I 'm a deck-hand on a tramp-steamer." He spoke easily and freely, KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 93 as one gentleman to another. He had realised at a glance that he was not about to be made the victim of offensive curiosity or misplaced char- ity. "She's lying at Hoboken, due out on Tues- day, for Bordeaux." "French boat?" "No. American owned, under the British flag, by a fairly competent rascal, too. This trip we are carrying a cargo of Californian wine of sorts. We took it last week from a sailing barque that had brought it round the Horn. She wanted to start back at once, so turned it over to us cheap." "And you're going to Bordeaux ? What does your astute owner want to take coals to New- castle for?" "Because everything that comes out of New- castle is labelled coal whether it is coal or not. In other words, this poison will be carried by us to Bordeaux, bottled and sealed, and shipped to England as fine vintage Burgundy. John Bull will drink it and feel none the worse. I'm told it's a paying trade." "I wish I were going in your boat," said Hughie, rather regretfully. "I'm booked by the Apulia." " Well, look out for the Orinoco on your second day out." " The Orinoco ? I remember seeing her at 9J FORTITER IN RE Hoboken to-day, and wishing I could make the trip on her." "I doubt if you'd be of the same opinion after trying conclusions with Mr. James Gates, our first * greaser,'" replied Allerton. "Still, I don't know," he continued, regarding Hughie's brawny form reflectively. "I don't believe he could put the fear of death into you the way he does into most of us. You've knocked about a bit in your time, I dare say, only with more success than I. Perhaps you were n't born with holes in all your pockets." "I say," said Hughie rather diffidently, it is difficult to confer a favour upon a man who is down without offending him, " will you dine with me ? Or sup, as it's getting late ?" "I shall be charmed," said the deck-hand. " Shall I show you a place ? I know quite a com- fortable establishment close by here." Hughie said "Righto!" and presently they found themselves in the place of entertainment selected by Allerton. Most of the room was oc- cupied by small tables, at which various couples were eating and drinking. At one end was a platform, upon which an intermittent sort of va- riety entertainment was in progress. On the floor at the foot of the platform was a piano. At the piano sat a girl, who accompa- nied the performers and bridged over the gaps in KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 95 the programme by selections from the less re- strained works of American Masters of Music. Not far from the stage an unhealthy- looking youth was presiding over a bar. The atmosphere was something between that of a smoking-concert, and Baker Street Station in the days of the old Underground. Allerton's lazy nonchalance lasted until the first course was set before him by a smiling blacka- moor, and then, with a half-apologetic aside to his host on the subject of his last meal, he fell upon the fare in a manner which brought very vividly home to Hughie's intelligence the differ- ence between an amateur casual like himself, with money enough in his pocket to make it pos- sible to knock off when he tired of the game, and the genuine article. He was not hungry, having in fact dined a couple of hours before ; but he did his best by tactful pecking to conceal the fact from his guest. Still, even after he had ordered some wine and duly inspected the cork, he had a good deal of time to look about him. Presently his attention began to concentrate itself upon the girl at the piano. She was sitting quite near him, and Hughie, always respectfully appreciative where a pretty face was concerned, his wanderings, though they had made him more than ever a master of men, had done little to eradicate his innate attitude of quiet, deter- 96 FORTITER IN RE mined, and occasionally quite undeserved rever- ence towards women, had time to notice the un-American freshness of her colouring, the re- gularity of her profile, and the prettiness of her hair. He also observed that the foot which rested upon the pedal of the piano was small and shapely. She was quietly dressed, in a dark-blue serge skirt and a white silk blouse or " shirtwaist," to employ the mysterious local designation with short sleeves. She had round arms and good hands. Hughie wondered what she was doing in a place like this, and, young-man-like, felt vaguely un- happy on her behalf; but experienced a truly British feeling of relief (mingled with slight dis- appointment) on observing that she wore a wed- ding-ring. He waxed sentimental. Who was her husband ? he wondered. He hoped it was not the proprietor of the establishment, a greasy in- dividual of Semitic appearance, who occasionally found leisure, in the intervals between announcing the "turns" and calling the attention of patrons to the exceptional resources of the bar, to walk across the room and paw the girl affectionately on the shoulder while giving her some direction as to the music, nor yet the scorbutic young man behind the bar. His meditations were interrupted by Allerton. " Marrable, eyes front ! And fill up your glass. Hang it, drink fair!" KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 97 Hughie turned and regarded his guest. The greater part of a magnum of vitriolic champagne had disappeared down that gentleman's throat. His eye had brightened, and now twinkled face- tiously as he surveyed first Hughie and then the girl at the piano. " Une petite piece de tout droit eh, what ?" he remarked. Hughie, beginning to understand why his com- panion was now swabbing decks instead of ruling ancestral acres, nodded shortly. Allerton noticed his host's momentary distance of manner, and leaned across the table with an air of contrition. "I'm afraid," he said apologetically, "that I'm getting most infernally full. You see how it is with me, don't you ? I'm that sort of bloke. Al- ways have been, from a nipper. Thash That's why I'm here. It's a pity. And the worst of it is," he added, in a sudden burst of candour, " that I'm going to get much fuller. It's a long time since I tasted this." He touched his glass. "It is n't served out on the Orinoco. Do you er mind?" Hughie, with a queer feeling of compassion, smiled reassuringly, and ordered another bottle. If Allerton was about to get drunk, he should get drunk like a gentleman for once in a way. Then his attention reverted to the piano. 98 FORTITER IN RE There had been a development. The girl was mechanically playing one of the compositions of that delicate weaver of subtle harmonies, Mr. John Philip Sousa ; but she was not reading her music. Her eyelids were resolutely lowered, as if she wished to avoid seeing something. The reason resolved itself into a gentleman who was leaning over the front of the piano, gazing amorously down upon the musician, and endeavouring, with surprising success, to make himself heard above one of the composer's most characteristic efforts. Hughie looked him up and down. He was a big man, powerfully built, with little pig's eyes set close together, and a ponderous and vicious- looking lower jaw. Was he her husband ? won- dered the deeply interested Hughie. No : he was too obviously endeavouring to make himself agreeable. " Marrable, my son," suddenly interpolated the convivial but observant Allerton, "you're cut out ! No use bidding against that customer. Do you know who he is ?" "No. Who?" "That," replied the deck-hand with an air of almost proprietary pride, "is Noddy Kinahan." "Oh! And who may he be?" " Gee ! (Sorry ! One picks up these rotten Yan- kee expressions somehow.) I mean, I am surprised you have n't heard of him. He's rather a big man KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 99 here. In fact, to be explish explicit," Mr. Allerton was fast arriving at that stage of intoxi- cation which cannot let well alone, but must tempt Providence by dragging in unnecessarily hard words, "he is my employer." "Anything else." "Political boss of sorts. Inter alia that's good! I'm glad I remembered that. Inter alia rhymes with Australia, does n't it? We'll make up a Limerick on it some time let me see, where was I ? Oh, yesh yes, I mean inter alia, he owns the Orinoco and about a dozen more mouldy old coffins; and very well he does out of them, too ! Buys them cheap, and but excuse further details at present, ole man. To tell you the truth I'm getting so screwed that I'm afraid of saying something that in my calmer mo- ments I shall subsequently regret. A cigar? I thank you. You're a white man, Marrable. Chin chin!" After this burst of discretion Mr. Allerton re- turned to the joint worship of Bacchus and Vesta, the difficulty which he experienced in keeping the lighted end of the cigar out of his mouth in- creasing as the evening advanced, but leaving his cheerfulness unimpaired. His condition was due not so much to the depths of his potations as to the shallowness of his accommodation for the same ; and strong- headed Hughie, as he sur- 100 FORTITER IN RE veyed the weak chin and receding forehead on the other side of the table, mused not altogether without envy upon the strange inequality of that law of nature which decrees that what is a tooth- ful for one man shall be a skinful for another and an anaesthetic for a third. He was recalled from these musings by the re- membrance of the girl at the piano, and turned to see what was happening now. Mr. Noddy Kinahan was returning from an expedition to the bar, carrying a bottle of cham- pagne and a long tumbler. These accessories to conviviality he placed on the top of the piano, and departed on a second trip, returning shortly with a wine-glassful of brandy. The girl, though she probably observed more of his movements than her low-drooping lashes would seem to al- low, made no sign, but continued to play the rag- time tune with a mechanical precision which caused the tumbler on the top of the piano to tread a lively and self-accompanied measure round its more stolid and heavily weighted companion. Mr. Kinahan next proceeded to pour himself out a tumblerful of champagne, liberally lacing the foaming liquid with brandy. Xhen, w Jth an ingratiating gesture toward the shrinking girl, he proceeded to swallow the mixture with every appearance of enjoyment. "King's peg!" commented Hughie to himself. KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 101 "Wonder how much of that he can stand? I'd back him against friend Allerton, though, if it came Hallo! The hound! This must stop!" He half rose to his feet. Mr. Kinahan, having satisfied his present needs, had refilled the tum- bler with champagne, added the rest of the brandy, and was now proffering the potion, in the self- same vessel which he had just honoured with his own august lips, to the girl at the piano. The girl turned crimson and shook her head, but kept on playing. Noddy Kinahan was not accustomed to bestow favours in vain. He walked round behind the piano, and, taking the girl firmly by the shoulders with his left arm, held the sizzling tumbler to her lips. She uttered a strangled cry, left off playing, and struggled frantically to seize the glass with her hands. Now Hughie Marrable had a healthy prejudice in favour of minding his own business. He had witnessed scenes of this description before, and he knew that, place and company considered, the girl at the piano was probably not unaccustomed to accept refreshment at the hands of gentlemen, even when the gentleman was half-drunk, the hands dirty, and the refreshment (after allow- ing a generous discount for spillings) sufficiently potent to deprive any ordinary woman, within ten minutes, of any sort of control over her own 102 FORTITER IN RE actions or behaviour. Moreover, Hughie had a truly British horror of a scene. But He was surprised to feel himself leap from his chair and bound toward the piano. His surprise, however, was nothing to that experienced a mo- ment later by Mr. Noddy Kinahan, who, having succeeded in pinning the desperately resisting girl's arms to her sides, was now endeavouring to prise her lips open with the edge of the tum- bler. But there are slips even after the cup has reached the lip. Just as success appeared to be about to crown Mr. Kinahan's hospitable efforts, a large and sinewy hand shot over his right shoul- der and snatched away the glass, which it threw under the piano. Simultaneously an unseen force in the rear shook him till his teeth rattled, and then, depressing his head to the level of the key- board, began to play a lively if staccato tune thereon with the point of Mr. Kinahan's rubicund and fleshy nose. These operations were more or less screened from the public view by the body of the piano, which was an "upright" of the cottage variety. But the sudden cessation of "The Washington Post" in favour of what sounded like "The Cat's Polka" played by a baby with its feet, brought the proprietor of the establishment hurrying across the room. He arrived just in time to be present at the conclusion of a florid chromatic KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 103 scale of about four octaves, executed under the guidance of Hughie Marrable's heavy hand by Mr. Kinahan's somewhat abraded nasal organ. The instrumental part of the entertainment now terminated in favour of a vocal interlude. Hughie released his grip of Mr. Noddy Kinahan's collar, and stood back a pace waiting for a rush. He was confident that, given a clear floor and no interference, he could offer his burly opponent a lesson in manners which he would never forget. But Mr. Kinahan, being a mover in high poli- tical altitudes, was not in the habit of doing his own dirty work. He reviled his opponent, it is true, in terms which an expert could not but have admitted were masterly, but it was obvious to the unruffled Hughie that he was doing so chiefly to keep his courage up and " save his face." There was a cunning, calculating look in his piggy eyes which did not quite fit in with the unrestrained abandon of his utterances, and Hughie began to realise that there are deeper schemes of retalia- tion than mere assault and battery. Once or twice Mr. Kinahan, in pausing for breath, turned and looked over his shoulder to- ward the curious crowd which was gathering be- hind him. Presently Hughie noticed a couple of "toughs" of the most uncompromisingly villain- ous appearance advancing in a leisurely fashion from a corner by the door, where they had been 104 FORTITER IN RE supping. They kept their eyes on Kinahan, as if for an order. Evidently that great man never took his walks abroad without his jackals. Things were beginning to look serious. The Hebraic proprietor, half crazy with fright at the gratuitous advertisement which the fracas was conferring upon his establishment, an adver- tisement which was receiving a gratifying response from an influx of curious sightseers, was fran- tically begging people to go away. The girl, the source (as ever !) of all the trouble, was still sit- ting on the music-stool, trembling like a fluttered bird, with Hughie, feeling slightly self-conscious, standing over her. In the middle distance, Mr. Allerton, gloriously oblivious to the ephemeral and irrelevant disturbance around him, sat con- tentedly before two empty bottles, endeavouring with erratic fingers to adorn the lapel of his blue pea-jacket with a silver-plated fork (the property of the establishment), upon which he had impaled a nodding banana of pantomimic proportions. Suddenly Hughie heard himself addressed in casual tones by some one standing close behind him. "Say, Johnny Bull, you'd best get out of here, right now. Skip ! Those two toughs of Noddy's won't touch you till they get the word, but when they do you'll be sorry. Get out this way, by KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 105 the side of the stage. It leads around to the back door." Having delivered himself of this undoubtedly sound piece of advice, the unhealthy-looking young gentleman from behind the bar picked up the champagne bottle and broken glass, and lounged back to his base of operations. Hughie, realising the wisdom of his words, and making a hasty note that one should never judge even a mottle-faced bar-tender by his appearance, reluctantly abandoned his half -projected scheme of hurling Noddy Kinahan into the arms of his two sinister supporters and then knocking their collective heads together, and turned to the small door behind him. Suddenly he caught sight of the piano-girl. He paused and surveyed her thoughtfully. "You'd better come with me," he said. Without a word, the girl rose and preceded him to the door. Hughie opened it for her, and they both passed through and hurried down a narrow passage, which gave direct into the alley at the back of the establishment. Once outside, Hughie took the girl's arm and fairly ran, never pausing till they reached the brightly lighted sea-front. He had an idea that a cheerful and crowded thoroughfare would prove more salubrious than deserted and ill-lit byways. Once clear of their late surroundings the two 106 FORTITER IN RE slackened pace, and Hughie surveyed his charge with comical perplexity. "Now what am I to do with you?" he in- quired. "Take me home," said the girl, sobbing. Her pluck and fortitude, having brought her dry-eyed through the worst of the conflict, had now taken their usual leave of absence, and she was indulging very properly in a few reactionary and comforting tears. "Where do you live?" asked Hughie. "Brooklyn." "That's a matter for a trolley-car. Come along." He took her arm again, rather diffidently this time, his old masculine self-consciousness was returning, and hurried off to what the Coney Islanders call a "deepo." Here they ensconced themselves in the corner of a fairly empty car, and started on their twenty-mile run, via Sheeps- head Bay and other delectable spots, to Brooklyn Bridge. As soon as the car started, Hughie turned to his companion. "Look here," he said bluntly. "1 know a lady when I meet one. What were you doing in that place at all? You are English, too." "Yes. I can't blame you for wondering. I'll tell you. I come from London. My father was KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 107 a small schoolmaster in Sydenham. He he was unfortunate, and died three years ago, and I was left alone in the world, with hardly two sixpences to rub together. Just as things were looking none too promising for me, I met and married" she flushed proudly " one of the best men that ever stepped Dennis Maclear. He is an electrical engineer. We came out here together to make our fortunes, and settled in New York. We were beginning to do fairly well after a long struggle, when one day Dennis crushed his left arm and leg in a cog-wheel arrangement of some kind, and for three months he has not been able even to get out of bed without help. Bad luck, was n't it ? He is getting better slowly, and some day, the doctor says, he will be able to get about again. But well, savings don't last for ever, you know; so I " "I see," said Hughie; "the upkeep of the es- tablishment has devolved on you in the mean- while?" " Yes. Piano-playing is about the only accom- plishment I possess. A girl friend of mine told me she was giving up her billet at old Bercotti's, and asked if I would like it. She would n't re- commend it to most girls, she said, but perhaps it would suit me all right, being married. I took it ; but as you saw, my being married was n't sufficient protection after all." 108 FORTITER IN RE She shuddered, for she was very young, and badly shaken ; but presently she smiled bravely. "What did you get?" asked Hughie. "Dollar a night." "It's not much." "It's better than starvation," said practical little Mrs. Maclear. "And what are you going to do next ?" "I'm not going back to old Bercotti's again that's flat." "Can you get another berth?" " Well, if there happens to be anybody in this simple and confiding country who is willing to take on as accompanist or teacher a young woman of shabby-genteel appearance, who is unable to mention a single soul as a reference, and has no character to show from her former employer it ought to be easy!" said the girl. Hughie regarded her reflectively. "You take it well. I admire your pluck," he said. "A married woman with a husband to keep has no time to worry about pluck," replied Mrs. Maclear ; " she just has to do things. Besides, all the pluck in the world can't save a woman when Noddy Kinahan is about. If it had n't been for you by the way, would you mind telling me your name ? You know mine." Hughie told her. Presently they left the trolley- KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 109 car anglice, electric-tram and struck off down a street in Brooklyn. The girl turned in at a doorway, and paused at the foot of a stair. " Won't you come up and see my husband, Mr. Marrable?" she said. "It's ten flights up, and we don't run to an elevator ; but I know Dennis would like to thank you himself." Hughie had intended to refuse, he hated being thanked as much as most matter-of-fact people, but, a flash of unusual insight reveal- ing to him the fact that the true object of the in- vitation was not to exhibit him to the husband, but to enable this proud little lady to exhibit her husband to him, he felt reassured, and allowed himself to be borne aloft to the Maclear eyrie. Here a gigantic and impulsive son of Kerry, gaunt and hollow-eyed through long bed-keeping, wrung his hand in a manner which made him feel glad he was not a refractory terminal, what time Mrs. Maclear, in a sort of up-to-date version of the song of Miriam, described Hughie' s glorious triumph over Noddy Kinahan, laying special stress upon the ecstatic period during which Mr. Kinahan, at the instance of Hughie, had enacted the part of a human pianola. He left them at last, wondering in his heart, as he tramped home under the stars to his hotel in West Forty-Second Street, what the plucky couple were going to live on during the next two 110 FORTITER IN RE or three months. The man was still practically a cripple, he must have been badly mangled, and it is hard work fighting for time in a coun- try whose motto, as regards human as well as other machinery, is : " Never repair ! Scrap, and replace!" Hughie had solved the problem to his satisfac- tion by the time he crossed Brooklyn Bridge. For the rest of the way home he thought of other things. A bachelor, however ungregarious, is at heart -a sentimental animal, and during his walk Hughie was contemplating with his mind's eye the picture that he had left behind him as he said good-night, the picture of " a snug little kingdom up ten pair of stairs," tenanted by a little community of two, self-contained and self- sufficient, dauntless in the face of grim want and utter friendlessness, and, despite his own health and wealth, he experienced a sudden feel- ing of envy for the crippled and impecunious Dennis Maclear. "I suppose," he mused to himself, "it does n't really matter how rotten a time you have in this world so long as you have it in the right com- pany." Then he added, apparently as a sort of corollary: "By gad, when I get home next week, I'll stay there!" But, however carefully (or carelessly) we handle the tiller on life's voyage, it is the little casual KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 111 currents and unexpected side winds that really set our course for us. As Hughie rolled into bed that night he reflected, rather regretfully, that the incident of that evening was closed for ever. He had definitely cut himself off from the Mac- lears, at any rate, for the very simple reason that he had just posted to them a hundred one-dollar notes, as a temporary loan until their "ship came in," carefully omitting to mention that his own was due to go out in twenty-four hours, and giving no address for purposes of repayment. But for all that, the incident had definitely al- tered his course for him, or at any rate was des- tined to send him round by an alternative route. CHAPTER VII THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE HER most ardent admirers and they had never been very numerous could hardly have described the Orinoco as a rapid or up-to-date vessel. She could average a fair eight knots in or- dinary weather (except when the Chief Engineer was not sober ; and then she had been known to do as much as eleven), and she had faced with tolerable credit seven strenuous years of North Atlantic weather, winter and summer alike. But she was no flier. She had not always ploughed the ocean at the behests of Mr. Noddy Kinahan, her present owner. As a matter of fact, she dated back to the early sixties. She had been built on the Clyde, in days when people were not in such a hurry as they are now, for steady and reliable cross-channel service between Scotland and Ireland ; and the crinolined young lady who had blushingly performed the christening ceremony as the brand-new steamer slipped down the ways had named her the Gare- loch. After fifteen years of honest buffeting between THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 113 the Kish and the Cloch the little Gareloch had been pronounced too slow, and sold to the pro- prietor of a line of coasting steamers which plied between Cardiff and London. In this capacity, with a different-coloured funnel and a slightly decayed interior, she had served for nine years as the Annie S. Holmes. After that an officious gentleman from the Board of Trade happened to notice the state of her boilers, and unhesitatingly declined to renew her certificate until various things were done which her present owner was not in the habit of doing. Consequently she had lain rusting in Southampton Water for six months, until an astute Scot, who ran a sort of Dr. Bar- nardo's home for steamers which had been aban- doned by their original owners, stepped in and bought her, at the rate of about a pound per ton ; and having refitted her with some convenient boilers which he had picked up at a sale, and checked her fuel-consumption by reducing her grate-area, set her going again in a humble but remunerative way as a pig-boat between Limerick and Glasgow. During this period of her career she was known as the Blush Rose and prob- ably smelt as sweet. The maritime Dr. Barnardo sold her three years later (at a profit) to a gentleman who required a ship for some shady and mysterious operations amid certain islands in the Southern Pacific. The 114 FORTITER IN RE nature of the poor Blush Rose's occupation may be gathered from the fact that in the space of three months she made those already tropical regions too hot to hold her ; and, with her name painted out, a repaired shot-hole in her counter, and a few pearl oyster-shells sticking out here and there in the murky recesses of her hold, was knocked down for a song at Buenos Ayres to a Spanish- American who desired her for the fulfil- ment of some rather private contracts, into which he had entered with a Central American State, for a consignment of small arms and ammunition delivered immediately terms, C. O. D. and no questions asked. Her captain on this occasion was a Lowland Scot of disreputable character but inherent piety, who endeavoured to confer a rather spurious sanctity upon a nefarious en- terprise by christening his nameless vessel the Jedburgh Abbey. But, alas ! the Jedburgh Abbey was confiscated a year later by the United States government, and having disgorged a most un- canonical cargo, was knocked down by Dutch auction, without benefit of clergy, to the highest bidder. Competition for her possession was not keen, and she ultimately became the property of Mr. Noddy Kinahan, who at that time was beginning to pile up a considerable fortune by purchasing old steamers on their way to the scrap- heap and running them as tramp-freighters until THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 115 they sank. The Jedburgh Abbey, with a new propeller, she had gone short of a blade for years, her rusty carcase tinkered into some- thing like sea- worthiness, and her engines secured a little more firmly to their bed-plates, had re- established her social status by creeping once more into Lloyd's list the Red Book of the Mercan- tile Marine and, disguised as the Orinoco, of the "River" Line of freight-carrying steamships, had served Mr. Noddy Kinahan well for seven years. This grey morning, with Sandy Hook well down below the western horizon, she clambered wearily but perseveringlyover the Atlantic rollers, like a disillusioned and world-weary old cab-horse which, having begun life between the shafts of a gentleman's brougham, is now concluding a depressing existence by dragging a funereal "growler" up and down the undulations of a London suburb. Her redeeming feature was a certain purity of outline and symmetry of form. She boasted a flush deck, unbroken by any unsightly waist amid- ships; and not even her unscraped masts, her scarred sides, and her flaked and salt-whitened funnel could altogether take away from her her pride of race, the right to boast, in common with many a human derelict of the same sex and a very similar history, that she had " been a lady once." 116 FORTITER IN RE She had now been at sea for well over twenty- four hours, and her crew, who had to a man been brought on board in what a sympathetic eye- witness on a similar occasion once described as " a state of beastly but enviable intoxication," were once more beginning to sit up and take notice. Their efforts in this direction owed much to the kind assistance of Messrs. Gates and Dingle, the first and second mates, who with cold douche and unrelenting boot were sparing no pains to rouse to a sense of duty those of their flock who had not yet found or recovered their sea-legs. The crew consisted of two Englishmen and a Californian, together with a handful of Scandi- navians, Portuguese, and Germans, divided by sea-law (which, like its big brother, non curat de minimis) into "Dagoes" and "Dutchmen" re- spectively, representatives of the Romance races being grouped under the former and of the Anglo- Saxon under the latter designations. With one exception none of them had sailed on the ship before, and in all probability would never do so again. They had been purveyed to Captain King- dom by a Tenderloin boarding-house keeper, and had signed a contract for the voyage to Bor- deaux and back, wages for both trips to be paid at the end of the second. If sufficiently knocked about, they would in all probability desert at Bordeaux, preferring to forego their pay rather THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 117 than stand a second dose of the home comforts of the Orinoco. This was one of the ways in which Captain Kingdom saved his employer money and in which Mr. Noddy Kinahan made the "River" Line a profitable concern. There were also others, which shall be set forth in due course. Captain Kingdom had just appeared on the bridge. He was a furtive and sinister- looking in- dividual, resembling rather a pawnbroker's as- sistant than one who occupied his business in great waters. But he was a useful servant to Noddy Kinahan. "Got all the hands to work, Mr. Gates?" he called down to the mate. "Aye, aye, sir!" replied Mr. Gates, knocking the heel of his boot on the deck to ease his aching toes. The captain ran his eye over the crew, who were huddling together forward of the bridge. He cleared his throat. "Now, you scum," he began genially, "attend to me, while I tell you what you've got to do on board this ship." The scum, stagnant and unresponsive^ listened stolidly to his harangue, the substance of which did not differ materially, mutatis mutandis, from one of Mr. Squeers's inaugural addresses to his pupils on the first morning of term at Dotheboys 118 FORTITER IN RE Hall. Captain Kingdom's peroration laid par- ticular stress upon the fact that Messrs. Gates and Dingle had been requested by him as a particu- lar favour to adopt the policy of the thick stick and the big boot in the case of those members of the crew who refrained from looking slick in executing their orders. The crew received his remarks with sheepish grins or sullen scowls ; and the orator concluded : "Pick watches, Mr. Gates, and then we'll pipe down to dinner. Are all hands on deck ?" " Aye, aye, sir," replied Mr. Gates, looking over his list. "I saw somebody down below a few minutes ago," drawled a voice, proceeding from a figure seated upon a bollard. It was Mr. Allerton, who, with characteristic contentment with (or indifference to) his lot, had performed the unprecedented feat of signing on for a second voyage in the Orinoco. He wore his usual air of humorous tolerance of the cares of this world, and spoke in the composed and unruf- fled fashion which stamps the high-caste English- man all over the globe. His lot on board the Orinoco had been lighter than that of most, for his companions, finding him apparently imper- vious to ill-usage 'and philosophically genial un- der all circumstances, had agreed to regard him as a species of heavily decayed and slightly de- THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 119 mented "dude," and had half-affectionately christened him " Percy," a term which sums up the typical Englishman for the New Yorker al- most as vividly as "Rosbif" and "Godam" per- form that office for the Parisian. The captain descended from the bridge, walked across the deck, and dispassionately kicked Mr. Allerton off the bollard. " Stand up, you swine, when you speak to me !" he shouted. "Where did you see anybody ?" Mr. Allerton rose slowly and painfully from the scuppers. There are moments when the role of a Democritus is difficult to sustain. "I'm sorry you did that, captain," he remarked, " because I know you did n't mean it personally. You had to make some sort of demonstration, of course, to put the fear of death into these new hands, but I regret that you should have singled me out as the corpus vile, you don't know what that means, I daresay : never mind ! because you have shaken up my wits so much, besides nearly breaking my hip-bone, that I shall have to pause and consider a minute before I remem- ber where I did see the gentleman." If the captain had been Mr. Gates he would probably have felled Allerton to the deck a second time. As it was, he shuffled his feet uncomfort- ably and glared. The broken man before him, when all was said and done, was his superior; 120 FORTITER IN RE and the captain, who was of sufficiently refined clay to be sensitive to social distinctions, was an- grily conscious of that sense of sheepish uneasi- ness which obsesses the cad, however exalted, in the presence of a gentleman, however degraded. Allerton continued : " I remember now, captain. The man was lying in the alley- way leading to the companion. I'll go and see how he is getting on. Keep your seats, gentlemen." He dived down the fore-hatchway, just in time to escape the itching boot of the unimpressionable Mr. Gates, and proceeded between decks toward the stern. Presently he came to the alley-way in question. The man was still there, but had slightly shifted his position since Allerton had last seen him. He was now reclining across the passage, with his head sunk on his chest. His feet were bare, and he was attired in a blue jumper and a pair of trousers which had once belonged to a suit of orange-and-red pyjamas. His appear- ance was not impressive. Allerton stirred him gently with his foot. "Wake up, old man," he remarked, "or there'll be hell -- Well, I'm damned!" For the man had drowsily lifted his heavy head and displayed the features of Hughie Marrable. They gazed at each other for a full minute. Then Allerton said feebly : THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 121 "You've preferred the Orinoco to the Apulia after all, then ?" Hughie did not reply. He was running his tongue round his cracked and blackened lips, and tentatively sucking his palate. " I know that taste," he remarked. " It reminds me of a night I once spent in Canton. I have it opium ! " Then he tenderly fingered the back of his head, and nodded with the interested air of one who is acquiring a new item of experience. "I've been filled up with opium before," he said, "but this is the first time I've been sand- bagged. I suppose I was sand-bagged first and hocussed afterwards. Yes, that's it." He looked almost pleased. He was a man who liked to get to the bottom of things. Presently he continued : " Could you get me a drink of water ? I've got a tongue like a stick of glue." Allerton departed as bidden, presently to return with a pannikin. Hughie was standing up in the alley-way, swaying unsteadily and regarding his attire. "I say," he said, after gulping the water, "would you mind telling me you see, I'm a little bit wuzzy in the head at present where the devil I am, and whether I came on board in this kit or my own clothes?" 122 FORTITER IN RE "Steamship Orinoco," replied Allerton pre- cisely, "out of New York, for Bordeaux." "Let me think," said Hughie, "Orinoco? Ah! now I'm beginning to see daylight. What's the name of the owner, our friend from Coney Island ?" Allerton told him. "But he's more than your friend now," he added; "he's your employer." Hughie whistled long and low. "I see," he said. " Shanghaied eh ? Well, I must say he owed me one : I fairly barked his nose for him that night. But now that he has had me knocked on the head and shipped on board this old ark, I think he has overpaid me. I owe him one again ; and, with any luck, he shall have it." "Do you remember being slugged?" said Al- lerton. " Can't say I do precisely. Let me see. I re- collect coming along Forty-second Street on my way to the Manhattan. I 'd been dining at the Lambs, and I stopped a minute on the sidewalk under an L railway-track to light my pipe, when yes, it must have happened then." "I expect you had been shadowed all day," said Allerton. "But I'm forgetting my duties. You are wanted on deck." "Who wants me ? Noddy Kinahan ?" " Not much ! He does n't travel by his own ships. It's the captain. I understand that you THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 123 are to be presented to the company as a little stowaway, and great surprise and pain will be of- ficially manifested at your appearance on board." "All right. Come along and introduce me." Captain Kingdom's method of dealing with stowaways natural and artificial was simple and unvarying. On presentation, he first of all abused them with all the resources of an almost Esperantic vocabulary, and then handed them over to Mr. Gates to be kicked into shape. On Hughie Marrable's appearance on deck, the captain proceeded with gusto to Part One of his syllabus. Hard words break no bones, and Hughie, who was breathing in great draughts of sea-air and feeling less dizzy and more collected each minute, set no particular store by the oratori- cal display to which he was being treated. In fact, he was almost guilty of the discourtesy of allowing his attention to wander. He set the crown upon his offence by interrupting the cap- tain's peroration. "Look here, skipper," he said, brusquely breaking in upon a period, " you can drop that. My name is Marrable. I am not a stowaway, and I have been dumped on board this ship by order of" "Your name," said Captain Kingdom with relish, " is anything I choose to call you ; and as you stowed yourself away on board " 124 FORTITER IN RE "Look here," said Hughie, "I want a word with you in your own cabin for choice. All right," he continued with rising voice, as the cap- tain broke out again, "I'll have it here instead. First of all, what is Mr. Noddy Kinahan paying you for this job ?" The captain turned to the mate. "Sock him, Mr. Gates!" he roared. Mr. Gates, whose curiosity together with that of the rest of the crew had been roused, as Hughie meant it to be, by the latter's reference to Mr. Noddy Kinahan 's share in the present situation, moved forward to his task with less alacrity than usual, and paused readily enough when Hughie continued : "If you'll put back, captain, and land me any- where within a hundred miles of New York, I'll give you double what Kinahan is paying you for this job." " You look like a man with money, I must say !" replied Kingdom. " Now then, Mr. Gates ! " "It's to be no deal, then ?" said Hughie com- posedly. "Very well. The next question is, if I am coming with you, how am I going to be treated ? Cabin or steer " "I'll show you," roared the incensed skipper. "Knock him silly, Mr. Gates!" Mr. Gates came on with a rush. But Hughie, who all this time had been taking his bearings, THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 125 leapt back lightly in his bare feet and snatched a capstan-bar from the rack behind him. " Keep your distance for a moment, Mr. Gates," he commanded, "if you don't want your head cracked. I haven't finished interviewing this captain of yours yet. Happy to oblige you later, for any period you care to specify." " 'Nother Percy!" commented Mr. Dingle de- jectedly, expectorating over the side. He was a plain man, was Mr. Dingle, and loved straight hitting and words of one syllable. Mr. Gates paused, and Hughie, leaning back against the bulwarks and toying with the cap- stan-bar, continued to address the fulminating mariner on the bridge. " Now, captain, I 'm going to be brief with you brief and business-like. You've been paid by Kinahan to shanghai me and take me for a long sea- voyage. Very good. I'm not kicking. I wanted to get to Europe anyhow, and I rather like long sea-voyages, especially before the mast. In fact, I'd rather sail before the mast on board this ship than in the cuddy. (Keep still, Mr. Gates!) As I'm here, I've no particular objec- tion to working my passage, always reserving to myself the right to make things hot for your em- ployer when I get ashore. I'll work as an A.B. or deck-hand if you like, though personally I would rather do something in the engine-room. I'm 126 FORTITER IN RE pretty well qualified in that direction. But I must be decently treated, and there must be no more sand-bagging or knockabout variety business. Is it a deal ? '' Captain Kingdom surveyed the sinewy stow- away before him thoughtfully. He saw that un- til Hughie gave up the capstan-bar Mr. Gates would have little chance of enforcing discipline. He must temporise. "I can give you a job in the engine-room," he said, in what he imagined was a more concilia- tory tone. " Second engineer 's down with some- thing this morning. You can take his watch. Drop that capstan-bar of yours, and go and see Mr. Angus, the chief." "That should suit me," replied Hughie. "But as a guarantee of good faith, and to avoid disap- pointing the assembled company, I 'm quite will- ing to stand up and have a turn with Mr. Gates here, or that gentleman over by the funnel-stay, or any one else you may appoint. But I should prefer Mr. Gates," he added, almost affection- ately. "I'm not in first-class form at present, as my head has got a dint in it behind; but I'll do my best. Are you game, Mr. Gates?" "Go on, Mr. Gates, learn him!" commanded the highly gratified skipper. " Drop that bar," shouted the genial Mr. Gates, "and I'll kill you!" THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 127 "Half a minute, please," said Hughie, as un- ruffled as if he were putting on the gloves for a ten-minute spar in a gymnasium. " I 'm not going to fight a man in sea-boots in my bare feet. Can any gentleman oblige me with Thank you, sir ! You are a white man." A pair of oily canvas tennis shoes, with list soles, pattered down on the deck beside him. Their donor, the "white man," a coal-black individual attired chiefly in cotton-waste, was smiling affably from the engine-room hatchway. "They'll dae ye fine," he observed unexpect- edly, and disappeared below. In a moment Hughie had slipped on the shoes. Then, casting away the bar, he hurled himself straight at the head of Mr. Gates. In the brief but exhilarating exhibition which followed Mr. Gates realised that a first mate on the defensive is a very different being from a first mate on the rampage. He had become so accus- tomed to breaking in unresisting dock- rats and be- mused foreigners, taking his own time and using his boots where necessary, that a high-pressure combat with a man who seemed to be every- where except at the end of his fist to his hon- our he never once thought of employing his foot was an entire novelty to him. He fought sul- lenly but ponderously, wasting his enormous strength on murderous blows which never reached 128 FORTITER IN RE their mark, and stolidly enduring a storm of smacks, bangs, and punches that would have knocked a man of less enduring material into a pulp. But there is one blow which no member of the human family can stand up to, glutton for punishment though he be. Hughie made a sudden feint with his left at his opponent's body, just below the heart. Gates dropped his guard, momentarily throwing forward his head as he did so. Instantaneously a terrific upper-cut from Hughie' s right took him squarely under the chin. Mr. Gates described a graceful parabola, and landed heavily on his back on deck, striking his head against a ring-bolt as he fell. The whole fight had lasted less than four minutes. Hughie was about to assist his fallen opponent to rise, when he heard a warning cry from half- a-dozen voices. He swung round, to find the captain making for him, open-mouthed, with the capstan-bar. He sprang lightly aside a further blessing on those list shoes ! and his opponent charged past him, bringing down the bar with a flail-like sweep upon the drum of a steam wind- lass. Next moment Hughie, grasping the fore- mast shrouds, leaped on the bulwarks and pulled himself up to the level of the bridge, which was un- occupied save by the man at the wheel, who had been an enthusiastic spectator of the scene below. Having climbed upon the bridge, and so se- THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 129 cured the upper ground in case of any further at- tack, Hughie leaned over the rails and parleyed. In his hand he held a pair of heavy binoculars, which he had taken out of a box clamped to the back of the wind-screen. "The first man who attempts to follow me up here," he announced, when he had got his breath back, "will get this pair of glasses in the eye. Captain, I don't think you are a great success as an employer of labour. You have n't got the knack of conciliating your men. Can't we come to terms ? Mine are very simple. I want some clothes my own, for choice. If you have n't got them, anything quiet and unobtrusive will do. But I decline to go about in orange-and-red pyjama trousers in mid-Atlantic to please you or anybody else. For one thing they're not warm, and for another they're not usual. If you will oblige me in this matter, I am quite willing to live at peace with you. I don't see that you can really suppress me except by killing me, and that is a thing which I don't think you have either the authority or the pluck to do. Why not give me a billet in the engine-room and cry quits ?" Captain Kingdom looked up at the obstreper- ous mutineer on the bridge, and down at the re- cumbent Mr. Gates on the deck, and ground his teeth. Then he looked up to the bridge again. "All right," he growled. "Come down!" CHAPTER VIII A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE HUGHIE, having been relieved to a slight ex- tent from sartorial humiliation, entered upon his engine-room duties forthwith. The society in which he found himself consisted of Mr. Angus, the chief, engineers, like gar- deners, editors, and Cabinet Ministers, are prac- tically all Scotsmen, Mr. Goble, the acting- second (vice Mr. Walsh, sick), and a motley gang of undersized, half-mutinous, wholly vile sweep- ings of humanity in the form of firemen. Mr. Walsh was suffering from an intermittent form of malaria contracted years ago in an up-river trip to the pestilential regions round Saigon. Mr. Angus, a hoary-headed and bottle-nosed Dun- donian, who could have charmed a scrap-heap into activity, received Hughie with native polite- ness, and paid him the compliment of working him uncommonly hard. He explained (with perfect truth) that the only reason why he was not at that moment driving a Cunarder was a habit of his, viewed by certain owners with regrettable nar- rowness of vision, of "takin' a drap, whiles." The concluding adverb Hughie correctly esti- A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 131 mated to mean "whenever I can get anything to drink." "I canna see what for they should be sae par- tic' lar aboot it," mused Mr. Angus in recounting the circumstance, "for I haundle her jist as weel drunk as sober. However, here I am, and there's an end o 't. Aiblins it's jist as weel. I could rin the engines o' ony Cunarder afloat, but I ken fine there's not hauf-a-dozen men in their hale fleet could knock eight knots oot o' the auld Orinoco. There's a kin' o' divinity aboot it, I doot. A man 's pit whaur he's maist wan tit." John Alexander Goble, the acting-second, proved to be a man of greater depth and more surprises than his superior. He it was who had thrown the list shoes to Hughie before the battle with Mr. Gates, which showed that he was at heart a Sportsman ; he had taken the first oppor- tunity of asking for the return of the same, which showed that he was a Scotsman ; but he had found Hughie a better pair of shoes in their stead, to- gether with some garments more suitable than the blue jumper and the orange-and-red pyjama trousers, which showed that he was a good Sa- maritan : and a man who is a Sportsman and a Scot and a good Samaritan all rolled into one is an addition to the society of any engine-room. His face wore an expression of chastened gloom ; and if washed and set ashore in his native Gale- 132 FORTITER IN RE donia, he would probably have received a unani- mous invitation to come and glower over the plate in the doorway of the nearest Wee Free conventicle. His speech was slow and unctuous : one could imagine him under happier circum- stances conducting family worship, and pausing to elucidate in approved fashion some specially obvious passage in the evening's "portion," thus : "From the expression, 'a michty man o' valour,' we may gather that the subject of this reference was a person of considerable stature and un- doubted physical courage." He was habitually and painfully sober, for reasons which Hughie learned from him at a period when they had more leisure to study each other's characters. He was ignorant of the first principles of mechanics, but could be trusted to keep the Orinoco's propeller-shaft revolving at a steady seventy-two to the minute; and he had a gentle compelling way with refractory firemen which made for sweet reasonableness and gen- eral harmony below stairs, what time Mr. Angus was recovering from one of those sudden and re- grettable attacks of indisposition which usually coincided with the forgetfulness of the steward to lock up the cabin whisky-bottle. Hughie berthed in the foc'sle, and was regarded 'by the Dagoes, Dutchmen, et hoc genus omne, with mingled admiration for the manner in which he A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 133 had settled Mr. Gates, and mystified surprise that a man capable of such a feat should be content to live on his own rations and sleep in his allotted bunk, without desiring to make researches into the respective succulence and comfort of his neighbours'. On the whole Hughie found his life tolerable enough, as the Orinoco butted and grunted her way across the Newfoundland Banks; and he experienced no pang when the Apulia, spouting smoke from her four funnels and carrying his luggage in one of her state-rooms, swept past them on the rim of the southern horizon on their third day out. He was accustomed to rough quarters, and any new experience of things as they are was of interest to him. Moreover, he possessed the priceless possession of a cast-iron digestion ; and a man so blessed can afford to snap his fingers at most of the sundry and manifold changes of this world. Captain Kingdom and Mr. Gates for the time being held him severely aloof. The taciturn Mr. Dingle conveyed to him, by means of a surpris- ingly ingenious code of grunts and expectora- tions, that provided he, Hughie, or Brown, as he was usually called, was content to go his way without hunting for trouble, he, Mr. Dingle, was content to go his without endeavouring to supply it. Altogether there seemed to be no rea- 134 FORTITER IN RE son for doubting that the Orinoco, provided she did not open up and sink like a basket en route, would ultimately reach the port of Bordeaux, bringing her sheaves, in the form of Hughie and some unspeakable claret, with her. But there is more than one way of making money out of the shipping trade. One night Hughie was leaning over the taff- rail behind the wheel-house at the stern. It was two o'clock, and the darkness was intensified by a heavy mist. There was almost no wind, and the Orinoco, like a draught-horse which feels the wheels of its equipage upon a tram-line, slid gratefully up and down the lazy rollers with the nearest approach to comfort that she had experi- enced that voyage. Hughie was idly watching the phosphorescent wake of the propeller, w r ondering whether Captain Kingdom had orders to land him in France in his shirt and trousers or throw him overboard before they got there, when a figure rose up out of the darkness beside him. It was the easy-going Mr. Allerton. "Hallo, Percy!" said Hughie. He had soon dropped into the nomenclature of the foc'sle. "Look here," said Allerton, in a more pur- poseful voice than usual ; " come along and look at this boat." The largest of the three boats carried by the A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 135 Orinoco lay close by them. She was swung in- board and rested on deck-chocks below the davits. A canvas cover, one end of which fluttered inter- mittently in the breeze, roofed her over. Aller- ton lifted this flap and inserted his hand. Pre- sently there was a splutter and a glimmer, and it became plain that he was holding a lighted match under the canvas. "Look!" he whispered. Hughie peered under the flap. He saw water- barrels, a spirit-keg, and various bags and boxes. Then the match went out, and Allerton withdrew his hand. The pair retired once more to their shelter be- hind the wheel-house. "You saw that?" said Allerton. "I did. Do they usually keep the boats pro- visioned on this ship ? If so, I don't blame them." "Not they. Somebody is going for a water- picnic shortly that's all." Hughie mused. "Am I the man, do you think?" he said at length. "No, I don't think so. There's too much grub for one. Besides the other boats are provisioned too. It looks as if the ship were to be aban- doned." "But why ? There's no reason why she should 136 FORTITER IN RE drop to bits for a long time yet. Rust is very binding, you know. Probably they keep her pro- visioned just in case " Allerton wagged his head sagaciously. "There's more in this than meets the eye,'* he said. "It is my pleasure and privilege, as you know, to act as steward at present during the re- gretted retirement of the regular holder of that office, owing to eczema of the hands. (Even Mr. Gates shies at eczema sea-pie !) Now there's some mischief brewing in the cuddy, and they're all in it Kingdom, Gates, and Angus. I'm not quite sure about Dingle, because he berths forward; but I think he is too. What's more : it's something they can't afford to have given away. Kingdom, who usually keeps Angus very short of drink at sea, now lets him have it whenever he wants it, and generally speaking is going out of his way to keep him sweet. That shows he can't afford to quarrel with him. And when a captain can't afford to quarrel with a chief engineer whom he hates, it usually means that he and the engineer are in together over some hanky-panky which has its roots in the engine-room. You mark my words, one of these fine nights that hoary-headed old Caledonian will open a sea-cock or two and rush up on deck and say the ship is sinking. It'll be a case of all hands to the boats ; the Orinoco will go to her long-overdue and thoroughly deserved A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 137 rest at the bottom, and the insurance people will pay up and look pleasant." "H'm," said Hughie; "there seems to be some- thing in what you say. I wish I could keep an eye on the old sinner in the engine-room; but since Walsh came back to duty I've no excuse for going there at all now. It might almost be worth while to warn Goble. He 's a decent chap." "Who is on duty in the engine-room now?" " Walsh, I should think. Angus usually makes way for him about eight bells. But I 'm not sure. Hark! Do you notice anything about the beat of the engines ?" "Not being an expert, can't say I do. They sound a trifle more asthmatic than usual, perhaps. What's up?" " Somebody has got the donkey-pump at work," said Hughie. "It may be Angus, after all, mon- keying with the water- ballast. Hallo!" He leaned over the stern-rail and peered down. "Do you notice anything unusual about the propeller?" " It seems to be kicking up a bit of a dust," said Allerton. "Is it going round faster, or getting nearer the surface?" "It's half out of the water," said Hughie. "That means that the old man has pumped out the after double-bottom tank. Look, we're all down by the head!" The two stepped out from behind the wheel- 138 FORTITER IN RE house and gazed forward. The flush deck of the Orinoco was undoubtedly running downhill towards the bows. "What's the game?" inquired Allerton ex- citedly. Hughie was thinking. Presently he said : "I'm not sure, but his next move should tell us. Either he is trying to drive her nose under and sink her by manipulating the water-ballast, which seems a hopeless job in a flat calm like this, and suicidal if it comes off; or else he is working up for a scare of some kind, which will frighten the crew into Hallo? what's that?" There was a warning cry from Mr. Dingle, who was standing right forward in the bows. "Something right ahead, sir! Looks like " There was an answering shout from the bridge, where the captain was standing by the wheel, followed by a jangling of telegraph-bells. Next moment the Orinoco gave a jar and a stagger, and Hughie and Allerton pitched forward on to their noses. There were shouts and cries all over the ship, and men came tumbling up the hatchways. "We've struck something," gasped Allerton. "Struck your grandmother!" grunted Hughie, who was sitting up rubbing his nose tenderly. "That jar came from directly underneath us. It was caused by Angus reversing his engines A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 139 without giving the ship time to slow down. I daresay he never even shut off steam. Likely enough he's lifted the engines off their beds. Well, perhaps he had finished with them anyway. Come along forward." By this time a frightened crowd had assembled on the deck of the Orinoco, which, lying motion- less on the silent sea, artistically tilted up by the stern, Hughie began to grasp the inwardness of Mr. Angus's manoeuvres with the water-ballast, presented a sufficiently alarming appearance even on that calm night. Mr. Dingle and the captain, the one hanging over the bows and the other standing in an at- titude of alertness on the bridge, were sustain- ing between them a conversation which vaguely suggested to Hughie a carefully rehearsed " cross- talk" duologue between two knockabout artistes of the Variety firmament say the Brothers Bimbo in one of their renowned impromptu " patter scenes." The resemblance was enhanced by the fact that the "patter" was delivered for- tissimo by both performers, and each repeated the other's most telling phrases in tones which made it impossible for the audience to avoid hear- ing them. "What was it?" shouted Bimbo Senior (as represented by Captain Kingdom). "Lump of wreckage!" roared Bimbo Junior, 140 FORTITER IN RE from a prolonged scrutiny of the ship's fore- foot. "Lump of wreckage ?" bellowed Bimbo Senior. "Lump of wreckage!" corroborated Bimbo Junior. "Of course it might have been ice," suggested Number One, at the top of his voice. "Might have been ice," replied the conscien- tious echo. "Pairsonally I'm inclined tae believe it was jist a wee bit coral island," interpolated a third voice, with painful and stunning distinctness. The Chief Engineer had suddenly made his appearance on the bridge. The captain was obviously much put out. In the first place, coral islands are not plentiful hi the North Atlantic, and there are limits even to the gullibility of an audience composed of foreign deck-hands and half- civilised firemen. Secondly, the axiom that two is company and three none applies even to cross-talk duologues. Thirdly, Mr. Angus was excessively drunk, and conse- quently the laboriously planned comedietta at present in progress might, owing to his inartis- tic and uncalled-for intrusion upon the scene, take a totally unrehearsed turn at any moment. The captain lost no time. " What report have you from the engine-room, Mr. Angus?" he inquired loudly and pointedly. A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 141 Mr. Angus, suddenly recognising his cue, and realising almost with tears that he had been im- perilling the success of the entire piece by un- seemly "gagging," pulled himself together, re- turned to his text, and announced that the ship was badly down by the head and the stokehold awash. "There's nothing else for it," yelled the captain resignedly, " but to leave her. Clear away the boats, Mr. Gates!" Having thus established a good working expla- nation of the disaster, and incidentally enlisted the entire audience those members of it, that is, who were not already doing service in the claque as unbiassed witnesses for the defence in case the insurance company turned nasty, the intrepid commander descended from the bridge to his cabin, to collect a few necessaries pending the abandonment of his beloved vessel. Hughie and Allerton surveyed each other. "Which boat are you going in?" inquired Allerton. "None," said Hughie. "Going to stay on board?" Hughie nodded. "But she'll sink under our feet." "I don't believe she's as badly damaged as all that. There's some game on here." "I don't suppose she's damaged at all," said 142 FORTITER IN RE Allerton, "but you can be sure they won't be such blamed fools as to leave the ship floating about to be picked up. Old Angus will let water into her before he leaves, if he has n't started the pro- cess already." "Well, I'm not going in any of those boats," said Hughie. "If the Orinoco sinks, I'll float to Europe on a hen-coop." "May I have half of it?" said Allerton. "You may," said Hughie. And so the S. S. Orinoco Salvage Company, Limited, was floated, and the Board of Directors entered upon their new duties at once. By this time the boats had been swung out- board and their provisioning completed. They were now lowered from the davits, and the men began to take their places. There was no panic, for the night was calm, and the Orinoco showed no signs of settling deeper. Messrs. Gates and Dingle were already at their respective tillers. Captain Kingdom and Mr. Angus were standing by the davits to which the whale-boat was still shackled. Mr. Goble, apparently in no hurry, was leaning over the bulwarks in the darkness not far from Hughie and Allerton, dispassionately regard- ing the crew's preparations for departure. He approached nearer. "There's a wheen fowk in thae boats," he ob- served. "I doot we'd be safer on board." A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 143 Hughie turned to him and nodded compre- hendingly. "That's my opinion too," he said, "and Percy's. We're thinking of staying here." Mr. Goble regarded him reflectively. "Is that a fact ?" he said. " Weel, I'll bide too." And so a third member was co-opted on to the Board of Directors. "We'd better get out of sight," said Hughie. "They won't like leaving us behind. I think I know a good place to wait. Come along." The trio slipped round behind the chart-house, passed along a deserted stretch of the deck, and disappeared down the engine-room hatchway. The engine-room was illuminated by a couple of swinging lanterns. A black and greasy flood of water glistened on the iron floor below, filling the crank-pits and covering the propeller-shaft. The doors leading to the stokehold were standing open, and they could see that the floors there too were flooded, though the water had not reached the level of the fire-bars. Owing to the immo- bility of the ship, its oily surface was almost un- ruffled, and the engine-room itself was curiously quiet after the turmoil on deck. The fires were burning low, but occasionally a glowing clinker slipped from between the bars into the blood-red flood beneath, with a sizzling splash. The steam was hissing discontentedly in the gauges. 144 FORTITER IN RE The Salvage Board stood knee-deep in the water of the engine-room. Hughie picked up a smoky inspection-lamp, a teapot-like affair with a wick in the spout, lit it, and peered about. "Now look here," he said, "I don't quite know where this water came from, and it does n't much matter, as no more is coming in at present. If the old man means to sink the ship he will have to come down here to do it. He has probably got some dodge arranged by which he can just turn a wheel and open a valve and send her to the bottom. Isn't that the idea, Goble? (I'll explain to you afterwards, Allerton.) My impres- sion is that he'll pop down and turn the valve on just before he leaves. In that case one of us must stand by and turn it off again. You two go through into the stokehold. He's not likely to come in there. If he does, you must use your own discretion. I'll wait here, on the far side of the cylinders, up against the condenser. He's not likely to see me, but I shall be able to watch him and see which valve- wheel he turns on." The other two obeyed, and Hughie, scrambling across the bed-plates of the engines, ensconced himself behind a convenient cross-head, with his feet in a flooded crank-pit and his body squeezed back as far as possible into the shadow of the condenser. A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 145 He had not long to wait. Presently cautious feet were heard descending the iron ladder, and Mr. Angus, comparatively sober, stepped heavily into the flood on the floor. His first proceeding was to wade to the stoke- hold end of the engine-room, Hughie thought at first that he was going right through into the arms of Allerton and Goble, and wondered what they would do with him, where he began to manipulate the great valve-wheel which kept the steam imprisoned in the boilers; and presently Hughie could hear the roar of the escape far above his head. This was a purely precautionary measure, and could do no harm to any one. Then Mr. Angus splashed his way to the corner by the donkey- pump, where the machinery for controlling the bilge and water-ballast valves was situated, and began to twist over another wheel. Presently there was a gurgling bubbling sound in the bowels of the ship, followed by a slight hissing and whispering on the surface of the water on the engine-room floor. The valve was open. Mr. Angus turned and lurched heavily through the rising flood to the iron ladder. Thirty seconds later a glistening figure crawled out of the crank- pit and vigorously turned the wheel in the oppo- site direction. The gurgling and hissing ceased. The valve was closed. CHAPTER IX LITERA SCRIPTA MANET **MR. MARRABLE, did ever ye see a drookit craw?" "No." "Well, see me!" announced Mr. Goble com- placently. He crawled out of the engine-room companion- way and sat down on the deck. Excessive spruce- ness had never been a foible of his, but now he was an unrecognisable mass of coal-dust, oil, and rust. He was dripping wet, for he had spent the last hour in an exhaustive examination of the Orinoco's waterlogged internal economy. The morning sun was warm, and he steamed comfort- ably as he detailed the result of his investigations to Hughie, who in some imperceptible but inevit- able manner had taken command of the tiny ship's company. Shorn of technicalities and irrelevant excur- sions into the regions of pawky philosophy, Mr. Goble' s report came to this. Mr. Angus had pumped out the after ballast- tank during the night, allowing the water, by means of a specially rigged return-pipe, to flow LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 147 into the bilges of the ship instead of escaping overboard. By this device he had altered the Orinoco's centre of gravity in such a manner as to produce the afore-mentioned down-hill slant of her decks a corroborative detail, as Pooh- Bah would have observed, which gave a little much-needed artistic verisimilitude to the Bimbo Brothers' bald and unconvincing narrative of dis- aster. Incidentally he had flooded the forehold and engine-room with sufficient water to give those members of the ship's company who were not in their employer's confidence the impression that she was sinking, and to furnish those who were with a prima facie argument for deserting her. But these thoughtful precautions, though suffi- cient to procure the abandonment of the Orinoco, were by no means sufficient to send her to the bottom, a consummation to be achieved at any cost; for to leave your ship lying about in mid- ocean, to be picked up by the first chance-comer, while you go hurrying home to extract a cheque from the insurance company, savours of slipshod business methods ; and Mr. Noddy Kinahan was nothing if not thorough. Now every steamer which plies under Lloyds' segis is fitted, below the water-line, with a set of what are called bilge-valves. Through these it is possible to expel any water which may have 148 FORTITER IN RE found its way into the body of the vessel. As it is even more desirable to prevent the entrance of water into your ship than to assist its exit, these valves are of a strictly "non-return" variety, and no amount of pressure from the outside should ever prevail upon them to play the part of Facing-Both-Ways. The very life of the ship depends upon them ; and the enterprising individ- ual who tampers with their mechanism in such a manner as to convert what is meant to be an Emergency Exit into a sort of Early Door for the rolling deep, does so at the risk of coming into immediate and painful collision with the criminal laws of his country. Mr. Angus, it appeared, had been employing some of his spare time during the voyage in re- versing one of these bilge-valves, with such skill and finesse that, as we have seen, one had only to give a turn to a worm-and-wheel gear in the engine-room to admit the Atlantic Ocean in large quantities. "Oh, he has a heid on him, has Angus!" com- mented Mr. Goble with professional appreciation, "even when he's fou'. He made a rare job o't. But how he managed to contrive that imitation o' a collision, merely through some jookery-pack- ery wi' the reverse-gear and throttle, wi'oot tear- in' the guts oot o' her, I div not ken. Man, it was a fair conjurin' trick ! By rights the link motion LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 149 should be twisted intil a watch-chain and the cross- heids jammit in the guides. But they're no. It's jist Providence, I doot," he added rather apologetically, with the air of one who should have thought of this sooner. Then he uprose from his seat on an inverted bucket. "Before I gang ben, sir," he concluded, "tae change ma feet and ma breeks, I'll tak' the liberty tae inquire of you what you propose tae dae next. Maircy me! Yon's Walsh." Two figures had appeared round the corner of the chart-house, their presence on the far side thereof having been advertised for some time by the clanking of the deck-pumps. (Mr. Angus's precaution of blowing off steam before leaving had put mechanical assistance in getting rid of the water out of the question for the time being.) "Yes, it's me," said Walsh, who, it will be re- membered, was the second engineer, to whom Hughie had recently been acting as deputy. "I should have come on duty at eight bells to re- lieve Angus, but I slept right through everything till Mr. Marrable found me in my bunk an hour or two ago. I expect they put something in my grog last night." "It's quite a hobby of theirs," said Allerton drily. "Mr. Marrable, I have found something that may be useful to us." 150 FORTITER IN RE He handed his superior officer a damp but un- damaged little packet of papers. "Where did you find them?" asked Hughie. "I thought I had gone through Kingdom's kit pretty thoroughly." "They were sticking in the falls of the davits belonging to the boat Kingdom went off in," re- plied Allerton. "I saw him hurrying along the deck from his cabin just before his departure, carrying the log-book and some papers and in- struments. I expect he dropped these as he went over the side." "Sit down, everybody," said the commander, "we'll see this through. It may concern us all." The packet contained two letters, together with some invoices and bills of lading referring chiefly to the Orinoco's cargo of astringent claret. Hughie glanced through the letters. Then he re-read them with some deliberation. Then he whistled low and expressively. Then he sat up and sighed, gently and contentedly. "Mr. Noddy Kinahan," he said, "is shortly going to wish, with all his benevolent and philan- thropic little heart, that he had never been born. And we are the people that are going to make him wish. Listen!" He read the two letters aloud. They were brief, but explicit. One contained Kinahan's orders to Kingdom as to the disposal of the Orinoco. The LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 151 other was a sort of invoice, or consignment note, relating to the person of one Marrable, who had apparently been shipped on board the night before the ship sailed. Each of these documents, it may he added, contained sufficient matter to ensure penal servitude for their author. Hughie stopped reading, and there was a long and appreciative silence. Then Allerton said : " What beats me is to understand how Kinahan could have been such a mug as to commit these schemes to paper, and how Kingdom should have been such a fool as to want to keep them. I'd have let them go down in the Orinoco." "I expect one explanation covers both cases," said Hughie. " Kingdom probably demanded his orders in black and white, as a guarantee that he would get his money when he had done his job. Otherwise he had no claim on Kinahan for a penny, beyond his ordinary wage as skipper. Kinahan probably agreed, stipulating that the letters should be handed back to him when they squared accounts. It was a risky thing to do, but when two thieves can't trust each other, and go dropping about documentary evidence to that effect well, that's where poor but deserving people like ourselves come in. No, I should n't think Kingdom would want to leave these behind ; and I opine that he's a pretty sick man by this time if he has missed them." 152 FORTITER IN RE He folded the letters up, and put them away carefully. "Now, gentlemen," he said briskly, "I propose that we go below and see if there is sufficient steam on the Orinoco to pump the rest of the water out of her and get the propeller revolving again. We'll have to damp down most of the fires, because we can't run to many firemen, but I think we ought to knock four or five knots out of her in ordinary weather. Luckily, seventy- five per cent of the ship's company are competent engineers. After that we'll have some breakfast, and after that we'll make tracks for home. We'll work" he smacked his lips cheerily, like an energetic pedagogue on the first morning of term " in shifts of three. Two men w r ill run the engine-room and stokehold, and the third will take the wheel. The fourth can sleep. That will give us each eighteen hours on and six hours off. I don't know where we are, and I have no means of finding out, as Captain Kingdom has walked off with the chart and most of the proper instru- ments. But we must be near land, or they would not have taken to the boats yet. If we keep steam- ing steadily east (with a little north in it), at about a hundred miles a day, which I fancy is about our limit, we should knock up against some- thing sooner or later. And when we do, we'll get hold of the proper authorities, and I venture to LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 153 think that with the help of these two letters and that doctored bilge-valve down below we shall be able to prepare a welcome for those three boat- loads of shipwrecked mariners, when they arrive, that will surprise them. Also, I fancy there will be pickings for you in the way of salvage. What a game!" Hughie stood up, and inhaled a great breath. This was real life! "Are you on, boys ?" he cried suddenly. "Is the old Orinoco going to the bottom this journey?" The crew rose at him and gave three cheers. Later that afternoon, as the Orinoco pounded along at a strictly processional pace through the ruffling waters, the glass was falling and a breeze getting up, Deputy -Quartermaster Lionel Hinchcliffe Welford-Welford Allerton, late scholar of Trinity College, Cambridge, some- time Assistant Deck-Hand in the mercantile marine, descried from his post on the bridge a small moving object upon the starboard bow. It was the Orinoco's whale-boat, which was proceeding under two lugsails on a course parallel with the steamer's. Allerton, who in the excitement of salving the Orinoco had almost forgotten the existence of the gang of buccaneers who had scuttled her, excitedly rang the telegraph bell and summoned the rest of the ship's company to his side. 154 FORTITER IN RE The emotions, however, aroused in the Orinoco by the sight of the whale-boat were mild in com- parison with those excited in the undutiful whale- boat by the spectacle of her resuscitated parent. Mr. Angus, on beholding the steamer, kept dis- creetly silent. He had given himself away by seeing things which were not there once or twice in his life before. But Captain Kingdom turned a delicate apple-green. "Look there!" he gasped, pointing. "Yon bit cloud, ye mean?" said the cautious Angus. "No, no, man the Orinoco!" cried the frantic skipper. "Oh the shup! Aye, aye!" replied Mr. Angus, rather pleased than otherwise. "There's a crew on board her," continued Kingdom shakily. "And she's got steam on her, too!" " Aye," said Mr. Angus. " I doot somebody will have closed yon sea-cock again." " Who can it be ?" demanded the captain fever- ishly. "Surely we left no one on board. I told Dingle to take that fellow Marrable in his boat." "Perhaps," suggested Mr. Angus, "yin of the other boats cam' back." Kingdom pointed impatiently to two small specks upon the horizon. "They're there," he said. LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 155 "Maybe some liner has come across her and left a bit crew on board her," continued the fer- tile Mr. Angus. "If so, we'd have seen the liner," replied King- dom irritably. He took up his binoculars and began to scruti- nise the Orinoco, which had altered her course a few points in their direction. Mr. Angus had a fresh inspiration. "Did ye mind tae wauken Walsh?" he whis- pered. " If not, ye ken he micht weel The captain lowered his glasses, and nodded. "He might be one," he agreed; "but there are four men on deck." He raised his binoculars again. " Yes, there they are. Well, whoever they are and whatever the game is, we must get on board again and do the job properly this time. Hallo, one of them is running below ! Here he is again! He's carrying something flags, I reckon. They're going to signal us." He was right. Up to the topmost summit of the Orinoco's grimy foremast towelled a signal a banner with a strange device indeed, but conveying a perfectly intelligible message for all that. It consisted of the nether or unmention- able portion of a ragged suit of orange-and-red striped pyjamas. Having reached its destination, it inflated itself in the freshening breeze and streamed out, de- 156 FORTITER IN RE fiant and derisive, in the rays of the setting sun ; flinging to the fermenting couple in the whale- boat the simple but comprehensive intimation "Sold!" Then, with one single joyous toot from her siren, the Orinoco altered her course a couple of points and wallowed off in a north-easterly direc- tion, leaving the crew of the whale-boat to listen in admiring silence to a sulphurous antistrophe in two dialects proceeding from the stern-sheets. CHAPTER X THE END OF AN ODYSSEY HUGHIE reckoned that they might have to steam eastward for quite three or four days be- fore they sighted land. This was an underestimate. The history of the Orinoco's last voyage will never be written. In the first place, those who took part in it were none of them men who were addicted to the composition of travellers' tales; and in the second, their recollections of the course of events when all was over, were hopelessly and rather mercifully blurred. Not that they minded. One derives no pleasure or profit from reconstructing a nightmare especially when it has lasted for sixteen days and nights. Some events, of course, were focussed more sharply in their memories than others. There was that eternity of thirty-six hours during which the Orinoco, with every vulnerable orifice sealed up or battened down, her asthmatic engines puls- ing just vigorously enough to keep her head be- fore the wind, rode out a north-easterly gale which blew her many miles out of her reckoning. ("Not that that matters much," said her philo- 158 FORTITER IN RE sophic commander. "We don't know where we are now, it's true ; but then we did n't know where we were before, so what's the odds? We'll keep on steering away about north-east, and as we are aiming at a target eight hundred miles wide we ought to hit it somewhere.") Then there was a palpitating night when the faithful engines, hav- ing wheezily but unceasingly performed their allotted task for a period long enough to lull all who depended upon them into an optimistic frame of mind, broke down utterly and absolutely ; and the fires had to be banked and the Orinoco al- lowed to wallow unrestrainedly in the trough of the sea while the entire ship's company, with cracking muscles and heart-breaking gasps, re- leased a jammed crosshead from the guides and took down a leaky cylinder. They were evidently out of the ordinary sea- lanes, for they sighted only one steamer in ten days, and her they allowed to go by. "None of us understand proper signalling," said Hughie, "so we can't attract her attention without doing something absurdly theatrical, like running up the ensign upside down; and I'm hanged if we'll do that yet. After all, we only want to know where we are. We may be just off the coast of Ireland for all I can say, and it does seem feeble to bring a liner out of her course to ask her footling questions. It would THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 159 be like stopping the Flying Scotsman to get a light for one's pipe." "Or asking a policeman in Piccadilly Circus the nearest way to the Criterion bar," added Allerton. "I'm with you all the time, cap- tain." And so these four mendicants allowed a poten- tial Good Samaritan to pass by and sink behind the horizon. It was an action typical of their race: they had no particular objection to death, but they drew the line at being smiled at. Still, there were moments during the next ten days when they rather regretted their diffidence. But events like these were mere excrescences in a plane of dead monotony. The day's work was made up of endless hours in a Gehenna-like stokehold, where with aching backs and bleeding hands they laboured to feed the insatiable fires, or crawled along tunnel-like bunkers in search of the gradually receding coal ; spells at the wheel sometimes lashed to it in biting wind or blinding fog; the whole sustained on a diet of ship's biscuit, salt pork, and lukewarm coffee, tempered by brief but merciful intervals of the slumber of utter exhaustion. Still, one can get used to anything. They even enjoyed themselves after a fashion. High en- deavour counts for something, whether you have a wife and family dependent upon you, like Walsh, 160 FORTITER IN RE or can extract la joie de vivre out of an eighteen- hour day and a workhouse diet, like Hughie. And they got to know each other, thoroughly, a privilege denied to most in these days of restless activity and multifarious acquaintance. It was a lasting wonder to Hughie how Allerton could ever have fallen to his present estate; for he displayed an amount of energy, endurance, and initiative during this manhood- testing voyage that was amazing. He himself ascribed his virtue to want of opportunity to practise anything else, but this was obviously too modest an explanation. Perhaps blood always tells. At any rate, Allerton took unquestioned rank as second in command over the heads of two men whose technical know- ledge and physical strength far exceeded his own. But in his hours of ease few enough now he was as easy-going and flippant and casual as ever. Walsh in a sense was the weakest of the quar- tet. He was a capable engineer and an honest man, but he lacked the devil-may-care non- chalance of the other three; for he had a wife and eight children waiting for him in distant Limehouse, and a fact like that gives a man a distaste for adventure. He was a disappointed man, too. He had held a chief engineer's "ticket" for seven years, but he had never held a chief engineer's billet. He could never afford to knock THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 161 off work and wait until the right berth should come his way : he must always take the first that offered, for fear that the tale of boots and bread in Limehouse should diminish. As a crowning stroke of ill-luck, he had been paid off from his last job because his ship had collided with a New York lighter and been compelled to go into dry dock for three months; and by shipping in the Orinoco he was barely doing more than work his passage home. His ten-year-old dream of delivering Mrs. Walsh from her wash-tub for all time, and exalting her from the res angustoe of Teak Street, Limehouse, to a social environment reserved exclusively for the wives of chief engi- neers, seemed as far from fulfilment as ever. Still, he maintained a stiff upper lip and kept his watch like a man, which is more than most of us would have done under the circumstances. But it was Goble who interested Hughie most. In the long night-watches, as they swung the heavy fire-shovels in the stokehold, or heaved the ever-accumulating clinkers over the side, or took turn and turn about to gulp tepid water out of a sooty bucket, or met over a collation of coffee and ship's biscuit the supper of one and the breakfast of the other in the galley, Goble would let fall dry pawky reflections on life in general, with autobiographical illustrations, which enabled Hughie to piece together a fairly com- 162 FORTITER IN RE prehensive idea of his companion's previous ex- istence. John Alexander Goble had played many parts in his time, like most vagrants. He had been born a gamekeeper's son in Renfrewshire, and had lost his father early, that devoted upholder of proprietary rights having been shot through the head in a poaching affray. After this ca- tastrophe the widow, who had openly pined for her native Glasgow during the whole of her hus- band's lifetime, had returned to that municipal paradise; and the ripening youth of John Alex- ander Goble had been passed in a delectable locality, known as "The Coocaddens," to which he could never refer without a gleam of tender reminiscence in his eyes. Why John Alexander had ever deserted this Eden Hughie could never rightly ascertain. His references to that particular epoch in his career were invariably obscure; but since he darkly observed on one occasion that "weemen can mak' a gowk o' the best man leevin',' ' Hughie gathered that Mr. Goble's present course of life owed its origin to a tender but unsatisfactory episode in the dim and distant days of his hot youth. "After that," John would continue elliptically, "I went tae Motherwell. D' ye ken Motherwell ? A grand place ! Miles and miles of blast-furnaces, and the sky lit up day and nicht, like the Last THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 163 Judgment. I did a wheen odd jobs there. Whiles I would hurl a trolley wi' coke, whiles I would sort coal wi' some lassies, and at last I got a job as a moulder." "What's that?" inquired the ever-receptive Hughie. "What else but a body that makes moulds?" "Yes, but how does he do it?" " W T eel, there's a sort o' sandy place at the fit o' each smelting-furnace like a bit sea-shore, ye '11 understand and every four-and-twenty hours they cast the furnace. They let oot the melted ore, that is, and it rins doon intil moulds that hae been made in the sand. (Ye dae it by just buryin' baulks o' timber in rows and then pickin ' them oot again, and the stuff rins intil the hollows that have been left. When it's cauld they ca' it pig-iron.) Well, I stuck tae that job for a matter o' sax months. But it was drouthy work, besides bein' haird on the feet, you go scratch-scratching in the sand wi' your bare soles makin' the moulds, and presently I gave it up and took tae daen' odd jobs among the trucks and engines in the yairds. I liked that fine, for machinery is the yin thing that really excites me. First I was a coupler, then I was a fireman, then I got tae drivin' a wee shunting engine, dunting trucks about the yaird. And at last I was set in charge o' a winding-en- gine at a pit-heid. That was a grand job ; but it 164 FORTITER IN RE didna last long. I was drinkin' haird by this time I'd stairtit after I left the Coocaddens and yin' day I was that fou' I let the cage gang doon wi' a run tae the bottom o' the shaft." "Was there anybody in the cage?" inquired Hughie, as Goble paused, as if to contemplate some mental picture. " There was not, thank God ! But there was a bit laddie doon ablow in the pit, that was sittin' on his hutch his truck, that is at the fit o' the shaft, waitin' on the cage. He wasna expectin' the thing tae fall doon like a daud o' putty, so he was no' sittin' quite clear ; and the cage cam' doon and took off baith his feet. Man, I hae never forgot- ten his mither's face when they brought him up. I lost ma job, and I hae never touched a drop since. For seven-and-twenty years have I been on the teetotal seven-and-twenty years! It'll shorten ma life, I doot," he added gloomily; "but I'll bide by it!" "What became of the boy?" inquired Hughie. "He's gotten twa wooden feet the noo," re- plied Goble more cheerfully, "and he's been minding the lamp-room this twenty year. I've heard frae him noo and again, and we've always been freens; but his auld mither has never for- given me. She's ower seventy the day, but Jeems tells me she aye lets a curse every time he men- tions ma name." THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 165 A further instalment of Mr. Goble's adventures explained how he took to the sea. "After I cleared oot o' Motherwell I went to the Clydeside. I was a fair enough mechanic by this time, but I had tak'n a sort o' skunner at machinery no wi'oot some reason and I tried for to get taken on as a dock-hand. I had no luck there, and I was fair starvin' when yin day I met a freend o' min' on the Dumbarton Road, and he asked me would I like tae wash dishes and peel potaties on a passenger steamer. I would hae been pleased tae soop the lums o' muckle Hell by that time, gin it was for a wage, I was that thrawn wi' hunger; so I jist said, "Deed ay!' "For a hale summer I sat peelin' potaties and washin' dishes on board the Electra, her that has done a trip doon the watter, roond about Arran and Bute, and hame by Skelmorlie ilka day o' the summer season for twenty-twa years. When the winter cam' on I dooted I would be oot o' a job again; but bein' nowadays permanently on the teetotal, and varra dependable, I was shifted tae the auld Stornoway, o' the same line, carryin' goods, cattle, and passengers tae the West High- lands Coll, Tiree, Barra, Uist, Ullapool, and a wheen places in and oot o' sea-lochs up and doon that coast. She loused frae the Broomielaw every Thursday at three o'clock in the afternoon, and she was back there, week in week out, summer 166 FORTITER IN RE and winter, by eleven in the forenoon o' the follow- ing Wednesday. The folk along by Largs, where her cap'n lived, used tae set their watches by her. She was a fine auld boat, the Stornoway : she piled herself up on the rocks below the Scuir of Eig, where she had no call tae be, in a snowstorm seven winters syne. I was a cabin steward nowadays, ye '11 unnerstand ; and once we were roond the Mull and the passengers had thrawn up what they'd had tae their tea off Gourock and tak'n a dander ashore at Oban, appetites was big and I was busy. It was the first time I had seen the gentry at their meals, and it improved my mainners considerable. Never since then have I skailed ma tea intil ma saucer : I jist gie a bit blow on it noo. Yon's Mr. Allerton roarin* for to be relieved at the wheel." On another occasion Goble explained how he came to forsake the fleshpots of the Stornoway and take to the high seas. "I was aye hankerin', hankerin' after the machinery," he explained. "A body canna serve tables all his life. So after twa^years on the Storn- oway I shippit as a fireman on a passenger steamer outward bound frae Glasgow tae Bilbao. There I left her, tae be second engineer on a wee tramp carrying iron-ore tae the Mediterranean. That was nigh twenty years ago, and I've never set fit in Scotland since. Weel, weel ! Aha ! Mphm !" (Ad lib. and da capo.) THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 167 So he would discourse, in a manner which passed many a weary hour for both, and added consider- ably to Hughie's stock of human knowledge. The days wore on. The work and long hours were beginning to tell their tale, but the entire crew kept grimly to it. Their nerves were in good order too. Even when, on the morning of the sixteenth day, as they groped their way through a streaming wet fog, a great ghostly monster of a liner suddenly loomed out of the wrack, and, as she shouldered her way past them, actually scraped the starboard counter with her stern, while the look-out on her forward deck yelled frantically, and a frightened man up aloft on the bridge flung his wheel over with great rattling of steam steer- ing-gear to avoid a collision, the sole occupant of the Orinoco's deck it was Goble : he was steering while Hughie and Walsh took their turn in the stokehold and Allerton slept did not deem the occasion sufficiently important to merit a report until he was relieved from duty two hours later. But this encounter provided that pawky philo- sopher with a valuable clue as to their where- abouts. "She was a Ben liner," he intimated to Hughie in describing the event. " I saw the twa bit stripes roond her funnel, and her name, Ben Cruachan, on her stern. They're Glasgow boats, and sail 168 FORTITER IN RE every other Thursday tae Buenos Ayres, calling at Moville on Lough Foyle tae tak' up Irish pas- sengers. It's no' near Cape Clear we are, any- way. We're somewhere off the north coast o* Ireland, sir. I kenned fine we were near land: this is a ground swell that's throwin' us aboot noo. Aiblins we'll be gettin' a dunt against the Giant's Causeway if we're no' canny." There was something in Goble's conclusions, for after they had steamed dead slow all night the rising sun licked up the fog; and there, ten miles to the south of them, lay a long green sea- coast; and straight before them uprose what looked like a rocky island, with a homely-looking white lighthouse perched half-way up its rugged face. "If that land to the right is Ireland," said Hughie, "we can't be very far from Scotland. I wonder what that great rock ahead of us can be. Lucky we did n't reach it a couple of hours ago !" "Don't you think," suggested Allerton, put- ting his head out of the engine-room hatchway, " that as we have a pukka Scot on board, we had better rouse him up and see if he can identify his native land?" It was Goble's turn for sleep, but Allerton 's sug- gestion was adopted, and he was haled on deck. "Do you happen to recognise that island straight ahead, Mr. Goble ?" inquired Hughie. THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 169 Goble surveyed the rock and the lighthouse, and though his countenance remained unmoved, his eye lit up with proprietary pride. "Island? Yon's no' an island," he replied. " 'T is Scotland hersel'. Sir, 't is the Mull o' Kin- tyre! It rins straight awa' back tae Argyllshire. We're at the varra mouth o' the Clyde. We micht hae been drawed there across the Atlantic by a bit string! God presairve us, it's a miracle!" "The Clyde ?" shouted Hughie. It seemed too utterly good to be true. " Are you sure, Goble ? Is that really the Mull ?" "Sure ?" Goble's expression was a mixture of pity and resentment. "Man, I'm tellin' ye I sailed roond it twice a week for the best pairt o' twa years. I was awfu' sick the first time. The second " All this time the Mull of Kintyre was growing nearer. "What's the course?" queried Walsh, leaning over the bridge. "Do I turn up New Cut, Mr. Goble, or keep straight along the Blackfr'ars Road?" Everybody's spirits were soaring marvellously at the sight of the blessed green land. Walsh's wife was within twenty-four hours of him. "Keep yon heap o' stanes on your left hand, ma mannie," replied the greatly inflated Goble, facetiously indicating the towering headland be- 170 FORTITER IN RE fore them, "and then straight on Ailsa Craig. You're daen' fine. Mr. Marrable, will you rin her up tae the Tail o' the Bank, off Greenock, or gi'e a cry in at Campbeltown Bay ? It's jist roond the corner." "Hang it! we'll take her all the way, now we have got so far," said Hughie. "We're home! I was reckoning on bringing up in Plymouth Sound; but that's a detail. Come on, Allerton, let's go below and fire up for the last time. We'll bring her in in style!" And so it came about that not many hours later the Orinoco, a rotting hulk, clogged with weed, corroded with rust, caked with salt, feebly churning up the water with her debilitated pro- peller, steamed painfully but grandly past the Cloch Light and into the mouth of the Clyde. A sorry object she may have seemed to the butter- fly host of natty paddle-steamers which was pouring down the river under the forced draught of triple competition, carrying the Glasgow man, released from office, to Dunoon and Rothesay and other summer repositories for wife and family. But to those who knew, she was no un- cleanly tramp, but a battle-scarred veteran, a ship that had deserved well of the Republic of the high seas, another little Golden Hind, though laden with nothing nearer to Spanish in- gots than bottles of imitation French claret. Every THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 171 scar on her sides was an honourable wound; every groan and creak that rose from her start- ing timbers a paean ; every cough and wheeze that proceeded from her leaky cylinders a prayer of joyful thanks. The Orinoco had graduated high in the nameless but glorious band of those who have illustrated, not altogether without profit and pride, the homely truth that Life ain't holdin' good cards; It's playin' a poor hand well! And so she turned the last corner of her long and painful Odyssey, and came home to lay up her bones by the Clyde, which had given them birth. And by a happy chance the unconscious Hughie, instead of navigating her to the Tail of the Bank as he had intended, changed his mind, put over his helm, and conned her up to the head of that beautiful Gareloch which, many many years ago, had given the little ship her maiden name. There, swinging at her rusty cable, with the clear green water laving her weary forefoot, and the hills above Roseneath and Shandon smiling reassuringly down upon her in the glow of the evening sun, we will leave her. Molliter ossa cubentl The law's delays are proverbial, and the task of getting even with Mr. Noddy Kinahan involved 172 FORTITER IN RE Hughie in endless encounters with those in high places, several appearances (with suite) in the abodes of the Law, and another trip to New York by Cunarder this time. However, grim determination will accomplish most things ; and when some months later Hughie finally sailed from New York for his native land, the labour of love had been completed, and Mr. Noddy Kinahan was duly regretting, for a term of years, the fact that he had ever been born. This consummation was followed by another, depressing but inevitable. The Orinoco Salvage Company, having served its purpose, paid Na- ture's debt and ceased to exist. The circum- stances connected with its demise, together with the respective fates of Hughie's little band of Argo- nauts, will best be gathered from the following epistolary excerpts : No. I (N. B. Spelling corrected) % MISTRESS HOWIESON, 17 CANDLJSH STREET, GREENOCK. To H. MARRABLE, Esq. : SIR, I thank you for cheque, and have dis- posed of same. I also thank you for offer to find a job for me. But I would prefer to bide by you, as I feel I will not get a better job than that. I would like fine to be your servant. You will be needing some one to redd up your quarters and THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 173 keep your clothes sorted, now you are ashore. (Women is no' to be trusted.) Of course I would not want a big wage : the siller from the Orinoco will do grandly for a long time. I ken fine the way to wait at table and clean silver, having been steward, as I once telled you, on the old Storno- way, where they had a cuddy full of gentry every trip. Your servant (I am hoping) , JNO. ALEX. GOBLE. No. II (Extracts. No date or address, but obviously written in a public-house) ... So you must take the money back. It is no use to me : all I should get out of it would be a d d bad headache. Also, it might give me ideas above my station, which is bad for the lower orders at any time. Give it to Walsh ; but don't let on, of course, that it comes from me : let him believe that it is part of his natural share of the sal- vage. I have kept back enough to pay for a new suit (which I am now wearing) and one big bust before I sail next week as deck steward on an Aberdeen liner. . . . Well, it was a great trip. We have all got something out of it. You have got an adventure and incidentally done a big thing, and I have spent a month of absolute happiness in the so- ciety of men who regarded me neither as an ob- 174 FORTITER IN RE ject of pity nor as a monster of depravity, but were content to let me go my own way as a man who prefers to live his own life and be asked no questions. . . . Your offer to set me on my legs again and make me a respectable member of society is friendly and, I suppose, natural; but it threatens a happy episode with a sad ending. I'm not cut out for conventionality, and (pace your kind references to my "sterling merit and latent force of character") I am not of the stuff that successful men are made of. I have only done two big things in my life. One was getting elected to Pop at Eton, the other was helping you to bring the old Orinoco home. I think I'll rest on my laurels now. I suppose I was born a rotter, and if you were to endeavour to raise me to your giddy heights I should only fall down again, and the bump at the bottom might hurt. I am safer where I am : the beauty of lying on the floor is that you can't fall off. . . . Well, chin, chin! If I may be permitted to gush for a moment, I should like to tell you that you are a good sort. Yours ever, LIONEL ALLERTON. No. Ill No. 4 TEAK ST., LIMEHOUSE. DEAR SIR, I beg to acknowledge with thanks your cheque for share of salvage. It was far more THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 175 than I expected, and the Adm'ty C'ts have cer- tainly done well by us. At the best, I had hoped for suffic'nt to rig out the nippers with boots and duds for the winter and give the missis a week or two off the laundry work. We have all been fair barmy the last few days. Square meals and a big fire, and you can't hear yours' If talk for the squeaking of the new boots. We are settling down a bit now, and I have put the rest of the money in the bank and told the old woman she is to burn her wash-tubs. Catch her : I d'n't think ! With my new clothes I have obt'd a berth as Chief on board s.s. Batavia, of the Imperial Line, and sail on 21st inst. Her engines are (several lines of hopeless technicalities omitted). It was a lucky day for me when I struck the Orinoco, and luckier when Angus doctored my grog. On returning from voyage will take the lib'ty of calling on you in London at the address you gave. Yrs. respect'fly, JAS. WALSH (Chief Engineer s.s. Batavia). POSTSCRIPT (In a larger and leas educated hand) MR. MARRABLE, DEAR SIR, The children and me begs to thank you for all your kindness to father. Father he is very greatful himself, but would rather leave it to me to tell you, as he don't like. Mr. Marrable, sir, if you could only see the 176 FORTITER IN RE diff'nce in the children, espec'ly little Albert, what was always sickly, since they got good boots and food inside them you would feel well paid for your kindness. I know the money did not come from you, but it was through you we got it. God bless you, sir. Yours resp'fly, MRS. MARTHA WALSH. P. S. Our ninth, which has just come, we are taking the liberty to call by your name. BOOK THREE SUAVITER IN MODO CHAPTER XI SEALED ORDERS ON a bright morning in April Hughie emerged from the offices of Messrs. Slocum, Spink, and Slocum, Solicitors, in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and made for the Strand. Like most men who have been abroad for a long time, he trod the streets of London with an oddly mingled sensation of familiarity and strangeness. At one moment he felt that he had been living in London for years, at another he felt that he was exploring a new city. The Strand itself, save for the old congested stretch in the neighbourhood of Charing Cross, was almost unrecognisable. Gone for ever were the various landmarks of his youth, such as the Old Gaiety and the Lowther Arcade. Holywell Street and Wych Street, with their delectable environs, had vanished like a bad but interesting dream, leav- ing room for a broad and stately thoroughfare, in the midst of which the churches of St. Mary and St. Clement Danes split the traffic like boul- ders in a Highland spate, and the Law Courts acquired an unfamiliar prominence. A new fair- way of uncanny width and straightness clove its 180 SUAVITER IN MODO course to Holborn, blocked at its mouth by a dismal patch of excavated territory resembling nothing so much as what Scotsmen term a "free toom," and proclaiming to all and sundry, by means of a gigantic notice-board, that This Site was To Let as a Whole. The traffic had developed too. There were countless motor-buses, which shook the earth and smelt to heaven ; and taxicabs, which skipped like rams and quacked like ducks. But after all, though landmarks change their bearings and banks be washed away, the stream flows on unchanged. The people were the same, and Hughie felt comforted. The smell of asphalt was the same, and he felt uplifted. And when he beheld the torrents of traffic that converge on the Wellington Street crossing arrest their courses seriatim and pile themselves up in a manner that would have done credit to the waters of Jordan, all at the bidding of an imperturbable figure in a blue uniform, he felt that he was indeed home once more. Presently he hailed a taxicab, and whizzed along, exulting like a child with a new toy, to a railway station, where John Alexander Goble, having previously superintended the placing of his master's luggage in the train (with a maxi- mum of precaution on his part and a minimum of profit on the porter's), was waiting to see him off. SEALED ORDERS 181 Hughie dismissed his retainer to take charge of his newly acquired flat until his return, and having secured his seat, followed his invariable custom and went forward to view the engine. He noted with interest that compound locomotives seemed to have made little or no progress in the country's favour, but that the prejudice against high-pitched boilers and six-coupled wheels had disappeared. He then made his way to the refreshment room, where alone, he noted, Time's devastating hand appeared to have stood still, and having lunched frugally off something from under a glass dome which the divinity behind the counter, in response to a respectful inquiry, brusquely de- scribed as "fourpence," together with as much bitter beer as remained after the same damosel had slapped its containing vessel playfully down on the fingers of a pimply but humorous youth who was endeavouring to tempt the appetites of two wizened sardines, exposed for sale on a piece of toast, with a hard-boiled egg from a neigh- bouring plate, returned to his seat in the train; where he was duly locked in by a porter, who displayed an amount of cheerful gratitude for sixpence that an American baggage-man would have considered excessive at a dollar. Here, with a rug, a pipe, and a quantity of illustrated papers, most of which had come to birth since he had 182 SUAVITER IN MODO left England, and all of which appeared to de- pend for their livelihood on the exploitation of the lighter lyric drama, Hughie settled himself for a comfortable run along the Thames Valley. This done, he took two letters from his pocket. One had been opened already. It was an obvi- ously feminine production, and said : "MANORS, Monday. " DEAR HUGHIE, We are all thrilled to hear that you are home at last. You must come down here at once and be our guest until you have looked round, and then you can renew all our acquaintances at one go. There are lots of nice people with us just now, so come! You will be feeling lonely, poor thing, landing in this country after so many years, and of course you will miss poor Mr. Marrable sadly. I suppose you have heard all about his death from the lawyers by this time, or perhaps you saw it in the papers two years ago. " Mr. D'Arcy is here ; also Joan, of course. My husband, too, wants to have the pleasure of en- tertaining you that is, if you are prepared not to shoot him on sight! I don't think, though, that I shall be able to command your regretful affections any more. One look at me will be sufficient for you. Alas, I have two chins and three babies ! SEALED ORDERS 183 "However, come down on Saturday, and you can size us all up. I suppose you know that Mr. Marrable asked us to take Manors and look after Joan until you or he came home again; so you won't play the heavy landlord and evict us on the spot, will you ? Yours ever, "MILDRED LEROY." Hughie put this epistle away with a slightly sentimental sigh. It did not seem so very long since he had been organising May Week festivi- ties in Miss Mildred Freshwater' s honour. Now two chins and three babies ! Eheu, fugaces ! The other letter had not yet been opened, and Hughie broke the seal. The envelope looked blue and legal, and its contents consisted of sev- eral pages of Jimmy Marrable's stiff upright hand- writing. The date was nearly three years old. " I am leaving England again " it began " next week, and I doubt very much if I shall ever come back. It is not in the breed to die in bed of something stuffy. The only tie that keeps me here is Joey, and she is too much occupied at present in collecting scalps to pay much attention to the old ruin who brought her up. In about four years' time she may be fit to live with again : at present she is not; and I refuse point-blank for the time being to play second fiddle to any young 184 SUAVITER IN MODO cub who ever wore magenta socks and a pleated shirt. I think it quite time that you came home and took her in hand. Indeed, if you don't ap- pear on the scene within two years, I have given instructions that you are to be ferreted out and asked to do so. When you do return you will re- ceive this letter, in which I am going to set down the manner in which I wish my estate to be ad- ministered on Joey's behalf if I don't come back. " In the first place, I must tell you that Manors goes to you by entail, but that all the rest is Joey's, and you will be her sole trustee and guardian. Lance is of age, and independent, and I have disposed of things in such a way that he can't possibly interfere with the management of Joey's affairs. Secondly, I want to tell you something about the children themselves. " I am not their father, though I very nearly was, and though every old shrew in the neighbourhood thinks I am. Their mother was the most beauti- ful and lovable girl I have ever known, and the only woman in the world I ever cared a rap for. Ours was a boy-and-girl idyll, though I was ten years her senior. I had known her ever since I could carry her on my back, and it was always a sort of understood thing between us that we were to marry each other when the time came. "Till she was nineteen and I twenty-nine, I suppose we were the happiest couple under the SEALED ORDERS 185 broad heaven. Then she let down her skirt and put up her hair and made her debut. (I should say that she lived alone with her old father, a retired East Indian of the time of John Company.) To her own surprise and my great pride at first she caused quite a sensation, for besides her face she had the prettiest manners possible. If you want to know what she was like you will find a miniature of her among my papers. Or perhaps it would be simpler to look at Joey. " But now the trouble began. Irene that was her name soon discovered an immense appetite for admiration, which was quite natural and ex- cusable. (One can't blame a girl for making all the runs she can while her innings lasts; God knows, it is short enough!) But presently she could not do without it. She was always ' asking for it,' as they say nowadays. Sometimes she made herself rather conspicuous, and people be- gan to smile at her. I ground my teeth, and, finally, at the least suitable moment, I put my oar in. I expostulated. No, I did n't expostulate : I simply ordered her to mend her ways, and gen- erally acted the Grand Turk and proud proprietor rolled into one. My word, Hughie, she was furi- ous ! There had never been any definite engage- ment between us, and she opened her defence by saying so, pat. It happened at a ball, where she had been making herself rather noticeable with 186 SUAVITER IN MODO a seedy ruffian half actor, half poet called Gaymer, against whom I had been fool enough to warn her. She informed me that she was her own mistress, and that I was an officious busybody. If I had had the sense to tell her there and then that I loved her more than all the world, and that I was jealous of the very ground she walked on, let alone the people she spoke to, - she would have melted at once, I swear ; for she was as im- pulsive and generous as a child, and she loved me, too, I know. If I had even lost my temper and called her a brazen hussy, she would have forgiven me in time : a woman regards a remark like that as a sort of compliment. But I smiled indulgently, shrugged my shoulders, and said that she would look at these things differently when she was older. "That did it. Apparently there is only one crime in this world more heinous than telling an old woman that she is old, and that is to tell a young woman that she is young. Irene got straight up and left me sitting, and went home without ever looking in my direction again that night. "Next day I called at her father's house to make my peace. I was prepared to admit that I had been an irritating young cub, and eat humble pie generally. But I was too late. She was gone ! She had bolted, in some wild fit of pique or sen- timentalism, with that long-haired exponent of SEALED ORDERS 187 Byron ism-and- water, Lance Gaymer, and had married him at a Registry Office that very morn- ing. Probably she had fallen in with his proposals at the ball after her interview with me. "Well, Hughie, I would rather pass over the next few years. I cut her out of my scheme of things as completely as I could, and went on my way. Fortunately you began to engage my atten- tion about that time, and I rubbed along somehow, and finally developed into the fine old crusted fogey that you know me to be. "Ten years later I heard from her. She sent for me. I had never known where she was, nor tried to find out. But I did not expect to find her where I did. She was in a miserable dingy house in Bloomsbury dying, Hughie ! Her ruf- fianly husband had left her after her second baby was born, our Joey, that is, and her old father had been dead eight years. She had not a friend in the world, and yet she would not turn to me till it was too late. Pride, pride, pride ! For some years she had been struggling on with a little money her father had left her, and which her husband had not been able to get hold of, and she had also taken in lodgers. Lodgers, Hughie ! It was only when she realised that she was going out for good that the thought of the kiddies' future began to frighten her, and she sent for me at last ! 188 SUAV1TER IN MODO "I was with her during most of the remaining three months of her life, to the scandal isation of virtuous Bloomsbury. I wanted to bring her to Manors, which she had often visited in her child- hood, but she said she preferred to die in London ; and as she was obviously going to die somewhere pretty soon, I did not press the point. During that time we lived a life of almost perfect happi- ness; and when she finally slipped away, quite peacefully, poor child ! she was barely thirty- two, and I took the youngsters home with me, the long waste of years behind us seemed almost as though it never had been, so completely had the recollection of it been wiped out by the interven- ing three months. Love can work marvels, Hughie, even though it come to a man at the very last. "I may add that during the closing weeks of her life I had the supreme satisfaction of marry- ing her, -as we received undeniable proof that her accursed husband had died in South Amer- ica. This gives me a sort of additional hold over Joey, though I have never mentioned it to her; nor do I think it necessary, for I had rather that her attachment to me remained a purely senti- mental one, for the present at any rate. "And now, as regards the future 1 . As I said at the beginning of this letter, I don't know whether I shall ever come back from this trip. SEALED ORDERS 189 If I don't, well and good: Joey can take my money. If I do, I am afraid I must request the use of it for myself for a little while longer. How- ever, you will naturally want me to fix some sort of time-limit, and the question has been occupy- ing my attention a good deal. My original idea was to make a kind of provisional will, leaving all my property to Joey, and entitling her to come into possession automatically in the event of my not returning within five years; but the lawyers tell me this arrangement won't work, as I have to be pukka dead before they can shell out. So I have fixed it this way. For the present Joey will want nothing but her daily bread and her fallals and a roof to sleep under, as her so- called education is now completed. I have there- fore let Manors to the Leroys, on the understan- ding that the child is to live there with them for the present. (Not that they required much per- suasion.) She is eighteen at the time of writing this letter. "Further, I have realised practically all my personal estate, and placed the cash to your credit (on Joey's behalf) at the Law Courts Branch of the Home Counties Bank. When you come home, which I hope will be soon, I want you to take this money and administer it for her benefit. The rest of my property nothing to speak of in com- parison is set down and duly disposed of hi my 190 SUAVITER IN MODO will (which I have left in the hands of Slocum, Spink, and Slocum, Lincoln's Inn Fields), and cannot be touched until my death is authenti- cated. I have made you Joey's sole trustee and guardian, and you will enter upon your duties as soon as you get home. She is not to come of age, financially speaking, until she is twenty-four. "That's all, I think. "Good luck to you in life, Hughie! I can't, I fear, take my stand on the pinnacle of a suc- cessful career and shout down advice to you on your way up ; neither will I presume to coun- sel you as to your future. My only piece of ad- vice to you is not to expect much in this world, and then you won't be disappointed. Roughly speaking, there are only three things in life that matter health, money, and friends. A woman once told me that the recipe for perfect happi- ness is a million pounds and a good digestion. The last, I admit, is indispensable. Well, you have it : the Marrable interior is dyspepsia-proof. The million pounds you have not got, and don't want. Wealth, after all, is a purely relative af- fair. You can measure it either by the greatness of what you have or the smallness of what you want. All that a man needs is enough of the first to ensure his getting the second, and I am in- clined to think that in your case this should not be a matter of much difficulty. SEALED ORDERS 191 "Besides, it is in the small needs of life that money really counts. The yacht, the house in town, the grouse moor who wants 'em ? But the cab home in the rain ; the occasional bottle of Pommery ; the couple of stalls when an old friend looks you up, or the furtive and sympathetic fiver when his widow does, these are the things that make money really worth having. Besides, the greatest joys are those you have to save up for, so a millionaire can never know them. "As for friends well, there are two classes, men and women. Men I need not trouble you about. If you have n't acquired the knack of handling them during the last ten years you never will, and are no Marrable. Women ? I give it up ! You can't standardise them. Men are fairly normal as a class. If you deal straight with a man he will realise and appreciate the fact, and though he may not respond by dealing straight with you, he will at any rate recognise you for what you are a white man. But you can't depend on a woman to do that. They are far stronger in their likes and dislikes than we are, and are hopelessly capricious into the bargain. My general experience and it has been wider than you might think has been that, once a woman takes a fancy to you, you may run counter to every canon of honesty, sobriety, and common decency, and she will cleave to you probably, 192 SUAVITER IN MODO I fancy, because you arouse all the protective maternal instinct in her. On the other hand, once you get into her bad books, it may be because you deserve it, but as often as not it is because you have hot hands or once trod on her skirt in a waltz, nothing that you can do will prevent her shuddering at the very mention of your name. Perhaps, from the point of view of the greatest good of the greatest number, a woman's method of sizing up the male sex is the best possible, but it comes hard on well-mean- ing but heavy-handed men like us. " We Marrables have always been men's men, although we have the profoundest reverence for women. (Perhaps that is the reason: a woman never wants you to reverence women ; she wants you to reverence her.) What sticks in our throats is the enormous amount of make-believe and shilly-shallying that has to go on between the sexes before any definite business can be accom- plished. Whenever I see a Marrable in a draw- ing-room, sitting on the edge of a chair and bal- ancing a teacup, I always know exactly what he is there for, and I also know that he is dumbly resisting man's primitive instinct to pick up the right girl and run. When that feat, or its equiva- lent, has been accomplished, all is well : I have never known a Marrable who was not a complete success as a husband. But they are bad starters. SEALED ORDERS 193 "Your father was an exception. He had the good luck to meet a girl who knew a man when she saw one, and was willing to accept the will for the deed when she found him unable to ex- press articulately what she would have loved to hear. By a further stroke of good luck her pa- rents objected to him, so he had a comparative walk-over. "And therefore, Hughie, I counsel you to es- cape all future unhappiness by marrying Joey as soon as you get home a consummation to which, as you will probably have gathered by this time, the whole of these laboured and transparent testamentary dispositions of mine are directed. I have left the child entirely in your hands. Marry her as quickly as you can, and then I shall know for certain, whatever my state of existence at the time, that the two people whom I care for most on earth are both booked for a life of perfect happiness. I could not wish a man a sweeter wife or a woman a better husband. "Forgive my clumsy methods, but you know I mean well. Yours, " JAMES MARRABLE." Hughie folded up this characteristic document and put it carefully back in his pocket. Then he lit his pipe and reflected. He did not altogether agree with the tone of 194 SUAVITER IN MODO his uncle's letter, but he knew in his heart that it contained a good deal of truth. He was ready to marry and settle down, but like most of his race he contemplated the preliminary recon- noitring, the manoeuvring for position, and the elaborate enveloping movements which seem inseparable from a modern matrimonial engage- ment, with something akin to terror. At the same time, it seemed a tame thing to come home and marry a bread-and-butter miss out of the schoolroom to gratify the shade of a departed relative. The train slowed down. They were approach- ing Midfield Junction, where he must change. Hughie took his feet down from the opposite cushions and knocked the ashes out of his pipe. "We'll see," he said. "I must have a look at Joey first. Pretty children so often grow up plain. Perhaps it would be simplest to marry her, but there's no hurry. I'm home for a rest, and I'm not going to bother myself. I have roughed it for nine years. Now I'm going to settle down and have an easy time of it." He was never more mistaken in his life. CHAPTER XII A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE Miss JOAN GAYMER sat in a Windsor chair on the landing outside the bathroom door at Manors. It was half-past eight in the morning an hour when traffic outside bathroom doors is apt to be congested. Miss Gaymer was wrapped in a bluish-grey kimono, which, whether by accident or design, I fear there is very little doubt about it, really, exactly matched the colour of her eyes. At the same time it failed to conceal the fact hor- resco referens that she was still attired in what American haberdashers call "slumber- wear." Her slim bare feet were encased in red slippers, one of which dangled precariously from her right big toe, and her hair hung down her back in two tightly screwed but not unbecoming pigtails. At present she was engaged in a heated alterca- tion with two gentlemen for right of entry into the bathroom. The only excuse that I can offer for her conduct is that, although she was nearly twenty-one, in her present setting she looked about fourteen. The gentlemen, who wore large hairy dressing- 196 SUAVITER IN MODO gowns, with towels swathed round their necks and mighty sponges in their hands, did not, it must be confessed, show to such advantage as their opponent. They were distinctly tousled and gummy in appearance, and their wits, as is usual with the male sex early in the morning, were in no condition for rapier work. They had both been patiently awaiting their turn for the bath when Joan arrived, and they were now listening in helpless indignation to a peremptory order to return to their rooms and stay there till sent for, and not to molest an unprotected female on her way to her ablutions. "But look here, Joey," said one, he was a pleasant-faced youth of about nineteen, " we were both here before you; and you know we arranged last night that you were to come at twenty past " "Binks," commanded the offender in the Wind- sor chair, "go straight back to your bedroom and don't argue with me. If you are good I'll give your door a tap on my way back." But Binks was in no mood for compromise, and furthermore wanted his breakfast. "It's not playing the game," he grumbled; "I was here first, Cherub was second "Who isn't playing the game?" flashed out Miss Gaymer. "Have you shaved, Binks?" Binks, taken in flank, admitted the impeach- A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 197 ment, which, it may be mentioned, was self- evident. "You haven't, either," was the best re- tort he could make. " No, but I 've brushed my teeth," said the ever- ready Miss Gaymer. "Well," pursued Binks desperately, "you have n't done your hair." "My lad," replied his opponent frankly, "if you were a woman and had to put things on over your head, you would n't have done your hair either." Binks, utterly demoralised, fell out of the fighting line. "Joey, I've shaved," murmured the second gentleman in a deprecating voice. Miss Gaymer turned a surprised eye upon him. "Why, Cherub, dear?" she inquired. "Cherub," who was still of an age to be ex- ceedingly sensitive on the subject of his manly growth, blushed deeply and subsided. But his companion was made of sterner stuff. "Come along, Cherub!" he said. "Let's run her into her bedroom and lock her in until we've bathed. Hang it! It's the third time she's done it this week." "Lay one finger on me, children," proclaimed Miss Gaymer, "and I'll never speak to either of you again!" She made ready for battle by twining her feet 198 SUAVITER IN MODO in and out of the legs of the Windsor chair, and sat brandishing a loofah, the picture of outraged propriety. Her heartless opponents advanced to the attack, and seizing the arms of the chair bore it swiftly, occupant and all, down the passage. Joan, utterly unprepared for these tactics, was at first too taken aback to do anything but shriek and wield the loofah; but shortly recovering her presence of mind, she slipped off the seat, and, doubling round her bearers, who were hampered by the chair, scampered back towards the bathroom only to run heavily into the arms of an unyield- ing, sunburned, and highly embarrassed gentle- man, who had been standing nervously on the other side of the door of that apartment for the last five minutes, awaiting an opportunity to escape, and had suddenly emerged therefrom on a dash to his bedroom, under the perfectly correct impression that it was a case of now or never. "Oh, I beg your Why, it's Hughie!" cried Joan. " Yes, it really is !" They recoiled, and stood surveying each other. It was their first meeting. Hughie, owing to a breakdown on the branch line, had arrived late the night before, after the ladies had gone to bed. Joan and he had not set eyes on each other for nine years. Miss Gaymer recovered her equanimity first. A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 199 "You're not a bit changed, Hughie," she ob- served with a disarming smile. "A little browner -that's all. Am I?" Hughie did not answer for a moment. He was genuinely astonished at what he had just seen, and not a little shocked. Where young girls are concerned, there is no greater stickler for pro- priety than your man of the world; and this sudden instance of the latter-day camaraderie of young men and maidens had rather taken Hughie's breath away. He felt almost as flut- tered as an early Victorian matron. Suddenly he realised that he had been asked a question. "Changed?" he said haltingly. "Well, it's rather hard to say, until until " "Until I've got my hair up and more clothes on ?" suggested Miss Gaymer. "Perhaps you're right. Still, I look rather nice, don't you think ?" she added modestly, preening herself in the kimono. "However, you'll see me at breakfast. Meanwhile I want you to hold those two boys back while I get into the bathroom. Ta-ta, dears ! ' ' And with an airy wave of her hand to the un- washed and discomfited firm of Dicky and Cherub, who stood grinning sheepishly in the background, Hughie's ward slipped under her guardian's arm and disappeared into the bath- room, with a swish of cserulean drapery and a triumphant banging of the door. 200 SUAVITER IN MODO Half an hour later Hughie descended to break- fast, there to be greeted by his host, Jack Leroy, a retired warrior of thirty-eight, of comfortable exterior and incurable laziness, and his wife, the one-time render of Hughie' s heart-strings in the person of Miss Mildred Freshwater. Another old friend was the Reverend Montague D'Arcy, whom we last saw dancing the Cachuca by the waters of the Cam. Here he was, a trifle more rotund and wearing Archidiaconal gaiters, but still the twinkling-eyed D'Arcy of old. One or two other guests were seated at the table, but as yet there was no sign of Joey. When she did appear, it was in a riding-habit; and after a hearty meal, in no way accelerated by urgent and outspoken messages from the front door, where her swains were smoking the pipe of patience, she dashed off in a manner which caused most of those who were over-eating themselves round the table to refer enviously to the digestive equipment of the young, and left Hughie to be entertained by his host and hostess. "You'll find her a queer handful, Hughie," said Mrs. Leroy, as she sat placidly embroidering an infantine garment in the morning sun on the verandah, in the corner of which the current issues of the "Spectator" and "Sporting Life," fully unfurled, together with two pairs of per- A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 201 pendicular boot-soles and a cloud of cigar-smoke, proclaimed the fact that the Army and the Church were taking their ease together, " but I want you to remember all the time that she is sound. You'll be tempted to disbelieve that over and over again, but don't ! She has been utterly spoiled by everybody, and you must give her time to find her level again. Left to herself, she would be as good as gold. I don't say she would n't do something rather outre now and then from sheer animal spirits, but that does n't count. She's young, of course, so she can't she can't be ex- pected to you know what I mean ?" "Stand corn," remarked a voice from behind the "Sporting Life." "Thank you, dear: that's just it. You see, Hughie, men egg her on, they're all alike: Jack and Mr. D'Arcy are as bad as any, and she gets excited and carried away, and occasion- ally she does something stupid and conspicuous. Five minutes later she is bitterly ashamed, and comes and cries her heart out to me. People know nothing about that, of course : all they do know is that she did the stupid thing, and they call her a forward little cat and a detestable imp. Don't you believe them, Hughie! "Then you'll find her absurdly impulsive and generous: you could have the clothes off her back if you wanted them. The other day she 202 SUAVITER IN MODO came home in floods of tears because of a story which a beggar-woman with a baby had told her. It was the usual sort of story, but it was quite enough for Joey. She had carried the baby herself for about two miles, and given the mother all the money she had, and made her promise faithfully to come and see me next day. Of course the woman never turned up, and Joey's blouse had to be burned, oh, that baby ! but that sort of thing does n't alter her faith in human nature. And she stands the great test, Hughie. She has n't got one set of manners when men are about and another when they are not. But she's a kittle creature. You must be tender with her, and- "Run her on the snaffle, old man what?" corroborated the "Sporting Life." Hughie blew through his pipe meditatively. "Seems to me, Mrs. Leroy," he said at length, "that I'm in for a pretty thick time. Do you think she's at all likely to take to my present methods, or must I learn some new tricks? Afraid I'm not much of a lady's man. Still, Joey and I used to be great friends, once. Won't that count for something?" "I'm not sure," said Mrs. Leroy. " You know how the young loathe being thought young, or reminded of their youth? Joey is just in that frame of mind at present. Because you were a A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 203 boy of twenty-one when she was a child of twelve, she may darkly suspect you of desiring to con- tinue on the footing of those days. Don't do that, for mercy's sake! For all practical pur- poses you are much nearer to each other in age than you were " A chuckle reverberated through the peaceful verandah, and the "Spectator" and "Sporting Life" converged for a moment as if to share a confidence. "Jack," inquired Mrs. Leroy sternly, "what were you saying to Mr. D'Arcy just now ?" "Nothin', dear," said a meek voice. "Mr. D'Arcy, what was he saying to you ?" Mr. D'Arcy took in a reef in the "Spectator" and replied suavely, "He made use of a sporting expression, dear lady, with regard to your plans for our friend Marrable's future, which I was happily unable to understand." "Jack," said Mrs. Leroy in warning tones, " people who put their oar in uninvited get taken out for afternoon calls in the brougham, with both windows up!" The "Sporting Life" was promptly expanded to its full extent, and silence reigned again. Pre- sently Mrs. Leroy observed cheerfully, "By the way, Hughie, you are home just in time for a dance the Hunt Ball." 204 SUAVITER IN MODO Hollow groans burst from behind the news- papers. "Oh, look here!" said Hughie frankly. "I mean not really ?" "Yes: I promised Nina Fludyer to back her up and bring a 'bus-load of people. Why don't you want to come?" " Well, for one thing I have only danced twice since I went down from Cambridge. One time was at a Viceregal reception in Calcutta, and the other was in Montmartre under less formal conditions. I'll tell you what you and your house-party go to the ball and enjoy yourselves, and your husband and I will keep each other company here eh ?" Captain Leroy put down his paper and said, " Good scheme !" in the loyal but mournful tones of one who realizes that it is a forlorn hope, but that one might as well have a shot for it. "In fact, dear," he continued desperately, "I was thinkin' of takin' Marrable out that very night to lie out for poachers. Old Gannet was tellin' me that the North Wood that is " He observed his wife's withering eye, and be- came suddenly interested in the advertisements on the back page of his periodical. " Jack," said Mrs. Leroy in a tone of finality, "on Tuesday night you put on your best bib and tucker and come with us that's flat." A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 205 "All right, m' dear," replied her husband in a voice which said to Hughie, "I was afraid it would n't work, old man !" "And why don't you want to come, Hughie ?" continued Mrs. Leroy, suddenly turning on her guest. " Well, I am not cut out for balls," said Hughie. "Prefer the open air, somehow." "If open air is all you want," remarked Mrs. Leroy grimly, "the Town Hall at Midfield is the draughtiest building in the county." "Balls are dull affairs," urged the faithful but misguided Leroy, " compared with the excitement and er suspense "If you want excitement and suspense," re- plied the inexorable Mrs. Leroy, "dance the Lancers with Lady Fludyer fifteen stone of imperfectly balanced blanc-mange! " "And just a spice of risk " " Risk ? My dear boy, try the Ball Committee's champagne!" Captain Leroy, defeated at all points, once more subsided ; but D' Arcy took up the argument. "Joking apart, Mrs. Leroy," he said, "it's an awful thing to be a supernumerary man at a dance in the country. You crawl in at the tail of your party, and shake hands with the govern- ess, under the impression that she is your hostess. You are introduced to a girl, and book a dance. 206 SUAVITER IN MO DO You don't catch her name, so you write down 'Red hair and bird of paradise* on your pro- gramme, and leave her. Of course you know nobody ; so, after booking a few more wallflow- ers, you still find a good deal of time at your disposal. You can always tell a male wallflower. Women can usually brazen it out : they put on an air which implies that they have refused countless offers, and are sitting on a hard bench because they like it." " They can't deceive the other women, though," said Mrs. Leroy. "Still," agreed Hughie, "they impose on men all right. But, as D'Arcy says, a male wallflower is hopeless. He looks miserable, and either mopes in a corner like a new boy at school, or else reads away at his programme and peers about for a partner who is n't on it." "Why not try the smoking-room?" "The smokin'-room," interpolated Leroy, "is all right for the regular Philistine. But if I go there, I find it in possession of a bilious octogena- rian and a retired major-general. They are sittin' in front of the fire with a cigar apiece. They glare at me when I come in, and then go on buckin' to each other. Presently they stop, and one says : ' I suppose you are not a dancin' man, sir,' in a way which implies that he does n't know what the devil young men are comin' to nowadays. And A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 207 by this time I'm so ashamed of myself that I simply bolt out of the room, with some yarn about a brief rest between two dances, and go and sit among the hats and coats in the cloak-room until it is time to go and hunt up the next freak on my programme. Rotten job, I call it!" Mrs. Leroy surveyed the three orators with an air of serene amusement. "I have roused a storm," she said. "But you are coming on Tuesday all three! Now, Hughie, I know Jack is dying to take you round the stables and plantations. When you have smacked all the horses' backs and taken the pheasants' temperatures, come in. I want to introduce you to my offspring. You are fond of children, I know." " I know I shall be fond of yours, Mildred," said Hughie. "Thank you that's nicely put. But they really are rather pets, though I say it who shouldn't." "Rum little beggars," mused the male parent. "Bite your head off if they see you havin' a sherry and bitters before dinner. Got a sort of religious maniac of a nurse," he explained. " Been saved, and all that. Save you for tuppence, Marrable!" "She's a queer old thing," said Mrs. Leroy, " but such a good nurse that her weaknesses don't 208 SUAVITER IN MODO matter much. The children are never sick or sorry wait till I tap wood ! your head will do, Jack and simply love her." " I was pleased to learn from their own lips," remarked D'Arcy, "that they have been enthusi- astic teetotalers from birth, and are both ardent supporters of Foreign Missions." "And the baby?" inquired Hughie. " Too young," replied Leroy ; " but that does n't excuse the poor little sinner from havin' to wear a blue ribbon." "How does the nurse regard you, Leroy?" asked D'Arcy. " Lost sheep hard case bad egg generally," replied that gentleman resignedly. "She's given me up, I'm glad to say ; but she'll be on Hughie's track in no time. Come along." In the joy of roaming round the familiar plan- tations and stables Hughie allowed the existence of Mildred Leroy's offspring to fade from his memory ; and it was not until the party gathered for luncheon that he was reminded of the intro- duction in store for him. The assembled company consisted of the host and hostess, D'Arcy, Hughie, Joan, and the young gentleman previously referred to as "Cherub." The others had departed on a sailing expedition. Joan had declined to go, alleging that she must stay at home and entertain her "keeper," as she A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 209 had now christened Hughie; and Cherub had speciously pleaded a tendency to mat de mer, and remained at home to steal a march on his rivals. The party was completed by two chubby in- fants of seven and five, in large pinafores and short white socks, who were presented to Brevet- Uncle Hughie as Theodora and Hildegard, though Hughie discovered, after a brief experience of their society, that they answered without resent- ment and much more spontaneity to the appel- lations of "Duckies" and "Stodger" respectively. They were deposited it seems the right word in the dining-room by an austere and elderly female, who groaned heavily at the sight of Cap- tain Leroy, and eyed Hughie with unconcealed distrust before withdrawing. The small girls took their places one on each side of their mother, and sat, like two well-bred little owlets, taking stock of their new uncle. Presently their vigilance re- laxed. It is a truism that teetotalers are hearty eaters, and the consumption of what was placed before them soon occupied the attention of Mesdames Duckies and Stodger to the exclusion of all else, the latter exhibiting a particularly praiseworthy attention to duty. Their sole contribution to the conversation was offered when Leroy passed the claret to Hughie. 210 SUAVITER IN MODO "Wine," remarked Duckies severely, "is a mocker!" "Stwong dwink," corroborated Stodger, turn, ing up the whites of her eyes, " is raging ! ' ' The two ladies then groaned heavily in concert, and, having thus contributed their mite to the re- demption of a sinner, resumed their repast. At the end of the meal the numbers of the company were augmented by the arrival of John Marrable Leroy, aged two years an infant whose apoplectic countenance sadly belied the small piece of blue ribbon inserted in his bib. Having taken his seat in his mother's lap, he proceeded, after the manner of babies, to give his celebrated entertainment. For the benefit of the company he obligingly identified various articles upon the table, and then proceeded to give an exposition (assisted by manual contor- tions) of the exact whereabouts of the Church, the Steeple, the Door, and the People. After this, without warning or apology, he deposited a nude foot in his mother's plate, having in some mysterious manner got rid of his shoe and sock under the table; and was proceeding to enumerate the respective marketing experiences of a family of little pigs, when his mother, de- ciding that it was high time this seance came to an end, called upon him to say grace on behalf of the company. A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 211 John Marrable Leroy reluctantly ceased finger- ing his toes, and twisted himself into a state of de- votional rigidity. He then closed his eyes, folded his hands, and breathed stertorously. All waited with devoutly bowed heads for his benediction. "T'ank God " began Master Leroy at length. There was another tense pause. "T'ank God " repeated the infant despon- dently. Another hiatus. "'For' dearest," prompted his mother. A smile of intense relief illuminated the sup- plicant's troubled countenance. " Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten!*' he gabbled cheerfully ; and the meeting broke up in unseemly confusion. It was a hot afternoon, and Hughie, who as yet was far from getting tired of doing no- thing, was well content to sprawl in a basket- chair under a great copper-beech, and watch the others play croquet. Presently Joan, swinging a mallet, came and sat on the grass beside him. "Well, Hughie?" she began, regarding her comptroller rather quizzically. "Well, Joey?" Then they both laughed, or rather chuckled. The curious part about it was that while Hughie 212 SUAVITER IN MODO laughed " Ha, ha ! " deep down, Joey did the same. Tee-heeing and high-pitched feminine shrieking were beyond her compass. She was the Joey of old, with the same gruff voice, though she had got over her difficulty with the r's and Z's. "It seems rummy," observed Miss Gaymer re- flectively, " my being put in your charge like the guard of a train. Do you expect me to obey you ?" "Yes," said Hughie. He felt he was missing an opportunity of saying something bright and striking, but "Yes" was the only word he could think of besides "No." "Oh!" replied Miss Gaymer enigmatically. "Don't you intend to?" inquired Hughie. "Well, it depends on what you tell me to do. If it was anything that did n't matter much I might do it, sometimes, just to save your face. But as a rule I should n't." "Oh!" said Hughie, in his turn. "I may as well tell you at once," continued the lady, "the things that it's no use scolding me about. First of all, I always choose my own friends, and never take recommendations or warnings from anybody. Then you must n't in- terfere with my dancing or sailing or riding, because I love them better than anything in the world. Then, you must n't try to prevent my reading books and seeing plays that you think are bad for me, because that sort of thing is simply A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 213 not done nowadays. And of course you must n't call me extravagant if I dress nicely. Also, you must n't expect me to go in for good works, be- cause I hate curates. And don't give me advice, because I loathe it. On the other hand, it may comfort you to know it does most men, for some reason that I don't want a vote and I don't smoke cigarettes. Oh, the poor little mite ! " She was on her feet and across the lawn in a flash, to where the obese Stodger, prostrate upon a half-buried tree-root, was proclaiming to the heavens the sorrow of a sudden transition from the perpendicular to the horizontal. She comfor- ted the child with whole-hearted tenderness, and after taking her turn in the game of croquet, re- turned to Hughie and sat down beside him again. "Well what do you think of me?" she in- quired suddenly. Hughie regarded her intently. "I don't know yet," he said. "I want to see a little more of you." "Most people," said Miss Gaymer with dig- nity, "make up their minds about me at once." "I won't do that," said Hughie. "It would n't be quite fair." Joan pondered this retort and finally flushed like a child. " That means that you have taken a dislike to me," she said. 214 SUAVITER IN MODO "I didn't mean it that way," said Hughie, much distressed, "really!" " Anyhow, it means that you have n't made up your mind about me," persisted Joan. "That is true," admitted Hughie, who was no hand at fencing. "Well, do it soon," said Miss Gaymer. "I'm not accustomed to being put on trial. I may men- tion to you," she added complacently, "that I am considered a great success. Do you know what Jacky Penn told me?" "No; what?" inquired Hughie perfunctorily. He was beginning to understand the inwardness of Mildred Leroy's warning that the girl beside him had not yet found her feet. "He told me," said Joan, with an unaffected sigh of pleasure, "that the men here all call me 'The Toast.' What do you say to that ?" "A Toast," said Hughie rather heavily, "is usually 'an excuse for a glass.' I should n't like to think of you merely as that, Joey." Miss Gaymer eyed her guardian with undis- guised exasperation. "Hughie, you have got fearfully old-maidish in the last nine years," she said. "Where have you been ? In any decent society ?" "Sometimes; but not often. Not what you would call decent society, Joey." "Well," remarked Miss Gaymer, turning her A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 215 opponent's flank with characteristic readiness, " whatever it was, it was n't very particular about clothes. Hughie, your get-up is perfectly tragic. If you are going to be my keeper you will have to begin by dressing decently. I don't know who your tailor is, but Che-e-erub!" "What ho!" came from the croquet-lawn. "Come here, at once." Cherub obediently put down his mallet and approached. Having arrived, he halted and stood to attention. "Cherub," commanded Miss Gaymer, "turn round and round till I tell you to stop, and let Mr. Marrable see your clothes." Much flattered, Cherub rotated serenely on his axis for the benefit of the untutored Marrable, while Miss Gaymer ran over his points. " Must I have a waist ? ' ' inquired Hughie meekly. "Yes if you've got one," replied Joan, sur- veying her guardian's amorphous shooting-jacket doubtfully. "And purple socks?" "Green will do, old man," remarked the man- nequin unexpectedly. "Cherub, keep quiet!" said the coutumiere. " You have absolutely nothing whatever to recom- mend you but your clothes, so don't spoil it by babbling. There, Hughie! That is the sort of thing. You must go up to town next week and 216 SUAVITER IN MODO order some. Run away, Cherub ! Now, another thing, Hughie. Look at your hands. They're like a coal-heaver's, except that they're clean. Can't you get them attended to?" Hughie surveyed his hands in a reminiscent fashion. They were serviceable members, and had pulled their owner through many rough places. At present the palms bore the mark of the Ori- noco's coal-shovels, and there was a great scar on one wrist where Hughie had incautiously touched a hot bearing. There was also an in- cision in the middle knuckle of the right hand, caused by the impact of Mr. Gates's front teeth on an historic occasion. There were other and older marks, and most of them had some inter- esting story attached to them. But of course Joan did not know this. To her they were large, un- sightly, un-manicured hands only that and nothing more. Hughie sighed. All his old assets seemed to have become liabilities, somehow. "Aren't they a scandal, Hughie?" Joan re- peated. "I suppose they are, Joey," said Hughie, com- ing out of his reverie. "Right O! I'll get them seen to. I don't suppose they're ever likely to be much use to me again," he added in a depressed tone, " so they might as well be made ornamen- tal. I'll go and consult Sophy Fullgarney about them when I get back to town." A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 217 "Who's she?" said Joey quickly. " Manicurist before your time," said Hughie briefly, pleased to feel that he could give points to his ward in knowledge of something. "Any more requirements, Joey?" " Let me see. Oh, yes. Can you dance ?" "Used to waltz," said Hughie cautiously. "Decently?" "I can get round a room." "Can you reverse properly?" "If a man reversed in my young days," said Hughie, "we used to regard him as a bounder. Do they do it now?" " Yes, always. Can you do anything else ?" " The usual things Lancers and polka. Danced a reel once in Scotland." " Nobody dances the polka now, and I hate the Lancers. Can you two-step?" "Never even heard of it." Miss Gaymer sighed. "Never heard of the Boston, I suppose?" she said resignedly. " Never in my life," said Hughie. " Look here," he added, inspired by a sudden hope, " perhaps it would be as well if I stayed at home on Tuesday night eh ?" "Quite as well," said Miss Gaymer candidly. "But I don't suppose Mildred will let you off. You'll be wanted by the wallflowers." 218 SUAVITER IN MODO "But not by Joey, apparently." " I don't dance with rotters," said Miss Gaymer elegantly. " I am practically booked up already, too. However, if you apply at once I might give you one." She thought for a moment. "I'll try you with number eight." "We had better not settle at present," said Hughie. "I should like to have a look round the ballroom before I tie myself down in any way. But I'll bear your application in mind." Miss Joan Gaymer turned and regarded her companion with unfeigned astonishment. He was still sprawling, but his indolent pose of lazy con- tentment was gone, and for a moment challenge peeped out of his steely eyes. She rose deliber- ately from the grass, and walked with great state- liness back to the croquet-lawn. Hughie sat on, feeling slightly breathless. He had just realised that he possessed a temper. Presently Mrs. Leroy completed a sequence of five hoops and retired, followed by the applause of an incompetent partner, to the copper-beech. She sat down opposite Hughie, and surveyed him expectantly. "Well, Hughie?" she said. "Well, Mildred?" "WeU, Hughie?" "I think," said Hughie, answering the un- spoken question, "that she wants slapping!" A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 219 Mildred Leroy nodded her head sagely. "Ah!" she remarked. "I thought you would say that. Well, I hope you'll do it." Hughie reviewed the events of the day, more suo, at three o'clock next morning, sitting with his feet on the sill of his open bedroom window, - the bedroom of his boyhood, with the old school and 'Varsity groups upon the walls, as he smoked a final pipe before retiring to rest. It was almost dawn. The velvety darkness was growing lighter in texture; and occasionally an early-rising and energetic young bird would utter a tentative chirrup only to subside, on meeting with no encouragement from the other members of the orchestra (probably trades unionists), until a more seasonable hour. Hughie had sat on with D'Arcy and Leroy in the billiard-room long after the other men Joey's clientele had emptied their glasses and gone to bed. There had been a "ladies' night," accompanied by fearsome games (of a character detrimental to the table) between sides captained by Joey and another damsel ; and even after Mil- dred Leroy had swept her charges upstairs there had been bear-fighting and much shrieking in the passages and up the staircase. Then the younger gentlemen had returned, rumpled but victorious, to quench their thirst and listen with respectful 220 SUAVITER IN MODO deference to any tale that the great Marrable might care to unfold. (The story of the Orinoco had gone round, though it had mercifully escaped the notice of the halfpenny papers.) But Hughie had not been communicative, though he had proved an eager and appreciative listener to 'Varsity gossip and athletic "shop." So the young men, having talked themselves to a standstill, had gradually faded away, highly gratified to find the great man not only willing but eager to listen to their meticulous chronicles ; and Hughie and D'Arcy and Leroy, their symposium reduced to companionable limits, had compared notes and "swapped lies," as the Americans say, far into the night. Hughie's impressions of the day were slightly blurred and confused at the which let no man wonder. He was accustomed to fresh faces and new environments, but the plunge from yester- day into to-day had been a trifle sudden. Last night he had driven up to the door of Manors a masterless man, a superior vagabond, an irre- sponsible free-lance, with hundreds of acquaint- ances and never a friend. In twenty-four hours this sense of irresponsible detachment had gone for ever, and the spell of English home-life had sunk deep into his being. He felt for the first time that he was more than a mere unit in the Universe. He had turned from something into A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 221 somebody. He realised that he had a stake in the country the county the little estate of Manors itself ; and a great desire was upon him to settle down and surround himself with every- thing that is conveyed to an Englishman here and abroad especially abroad by the word Home. Then there were the people with whom he had come in contact that day. They were nearly all old friends, but they were old friends with new faces. There was Mildred Leroy, for instance. He had half expected his relations with that young matron, the past considered, to be of a slightly tender and sentimental nature. Far from it. Her attitude to him was simply maternal as, indeed, it had been, had he realised the fact, from the very beginning of their friendship. A woman always feels motherly towards a man of her own age, and rightly, for she is much older than he is. Occasionally she mistakes this motherly feeling for something else, and marries him but not often. Obviously Mildred Leroy now regarded Hughie as nothing more than an eligible young debutant, the chaperon's natural prey, to be rounded up and paired off with all possible despatch. Then there was Joey. Twenty-four hours ago he had had no particular views on the subject of his ward, beyond 222 SUAVITER IN MODO (1) The reflection that he would probably find her "rather a bore"; (2) An idle speculation as to whether, if ex- pediency should demand it, he would be able to bring himself to marry her. Well, twenty-four hours is a long time. He saw now quite clearly that whatever Miss Gay- mer's shortcomings might be, a tendency to bore her companions was not one of them; and that if ever the other question should arise, the diffi- culty would lie, not in bringing himself to marry Joey, but in bringing Joey to marry him. Like a sensible man, he decided to let things work themselves out in their own way, and went to bed. There he dreamed that Joey, attired in a blue kimono and red slippers, was teaching him to dance the two-step to a tune played by the engines of the Orinoco. CHAPTER XIII VARIUM ET MUTABILE HUGHIE continued during the next few weeks to study the character of the female sex as exem- plified by his ward Miss Joan Gaymer, and some facts in natural history were brought to his notice which had not hitherto occurred to him. In her relations with her male belongings a woman does not expect much. Certainly not justice, nor reason, nor common sense. That which she chiefly desires so those who know inform us is admiration, and, if possible, kind- ness, though the latter is not essential. The one thing she cannot brook is neglect. Attention of some kind she must have. Satisfy her soul with this, and she will remain all you desire her to remain, toute femme, something for lonely mankind to thank God for. Stint her, and there is a danger that she will drift into the ranks of that rather pathetic third sex, born of higher education and feminine superfluity, which to-day stands apart from its fellow-creatures and loudly proclaims its loathing for the masculinity of man and its contempt for the effeminacy of woman, but which seems so far only to have cast away 224 SUAVITER IN MODO the rapier of the one without being able to lift or handle the bludgeon of the other. Not that Miss Joan Gaymer ran any such risk. She was indeed toute femme, and stood secure from the prospect of being cut off from her natu- ral provender. Her chief danger was that of a surfeit. She possessed a more than usually healthy appetite for admiration, and there was never wanting a supply of persons chiefly of her own sex, be it said to proclaim the fact that in her case the line between appetite and gluttony was very finely drawn indeed. There was some truth, it is to be feared, in the accusation, for Joan was undoubtedly exhibiting symptoms at this time of a species of mental indigestion what the French call tele montee and the Americans "swelled head" induced by an undiluted diet of wor- ship and homage. Appetite for this sort of thing grows with eating, and Joan, like her mother be- fore her, was beginning to think too much of those who supplied her with the meat her soul loved and too little of those who did not. And as those who did not were chiefly those who had her wel- fare most nearly at heart, she was deprived for the time being of a good deal of the solid suste- nance of real friendship. She was a curious mixture of worldly wisdom and naivete, and was frankly interested in her- self. She was undisguisedly anxious to know VARIUM ET MUTABILE 225 what people thought of her, and made no at- tempt to conceal her pleasure when she found herself "a success." On the other hand, she pre- sumed a great deal too much on the patience and loyalty of her following. She was always captious, frequently inconsiderate, and, like most young persons who have been respectably brought up, was desperately anxious to be considered rather wicked. These facts the slow-moving brain of Hughie Marrable absorbed one by one, and he felt vaguely unhappy on the girl's account, though he could not find it in his heart to blame her. Joey, he felt, was merely making full use of her oppor- tunities. Within her small kingdom, and for her brief term, she held authority as absolute as that, say, of a secretary of state, nor was she fettered by any pedantic scruples, such as might have hampered the official in question, about exer- cising the same ; and Hughie, who was something of an autocrat himself, could not but admit that his ward was acting very much, mutatis mutandis, as he would have done under similar circum- stances. But as time went on and his sense of perspective adjusted itself, he began to discover signs that beneath all her airs and graces and foam and froth, the old Joey endured. She was a creature of impulse, and her vagaries were more frequently 226 SUAVITER IN MODO due to the influence of the moment than any desire to pose. She would disappoint a young man of a long-promised tete-a-tete on the river, to go and play at shop in a plantation with the under-keeper's children. She would shed tears over harrowing but unconvincing narratives of destitution at the back door. She was kind to plain girls, which attractive girls sometimes are not, and servants adored her, which is a good sign of anybody. She was lavishly generous ; indeed, it was never safe for her girl friends to express admiration, however discreet, for anything belonging to her, for she had an embarrassing habit of tearing off articles of attire or adornment and saying, "I'll give it to you!" with the eagerness and sincerity of a child. And her code of honour was as strict as a schoolboy's than which no more can be said. A secret was safe with her. She had once promptly and permanently renounced the friendship of a particular crony of her own, who boasted to her, giving names and details, of a proposal of mar- riage which she had recently refused. In short, Miss Joan Gaymer strongly resembled the young lady who in times long past was a cer- tain poetical gentleman's Only Joy. She was sometimes forward, sometimes coy, sometimes, be it added, detestable, but she never failed VARIUM ET MUTABILE 227 to please or rather, to attract, which is better still. Mrs. Jack Leroy spared neither age nor sex on the night of the Hunt Ball. Her husband, Hughie, and the Reverend Montague D'Arcy all suffer- ing from that peculiar feeling of languid depres- sion which invariably attacks the male sex about 9.30 p. M. when dancing is in prospect were hounded into pumps and white gloves, and packed into the omnibus, which, after a drive of seven miles, during which the gentlemen slept furtively and the tongues of Joan and her girl friends wagged unceasingly, deposited the entire party of twelve on the steps of the Town Hall at Midfield. Their numbers had been completed by some overnight arrivals. The first two were Mr. and Mrs. Lance Gaymer. Joan's only brother had taken upon him the responsibility of matrimony at the early age of twenty-two, and the rather appalling young person who preceded him into the drawing-room, and greeted Joan as " Jowey," was the accessory to the fact. Why or where Lance had married her no one knew. He had sprung her one day, half proudly, half defiantly, upon a family circle at Manors which was for the moment too horror-struck to do anything but gape. Fortunately Uncle Jimmy was not present, he had departed on his voyage by this time, and it was left to Joan to welcome the latest ad- 228 SUAVITER IN MODO dition to the house of Gaymer. This she did very sensibly and prettily, though she wept un- restrainedly upon the sympathetic bosom of Mil- dred Leroy afterwards. For Lance's sake Mrs. Gaymer was accepted without demur. Whatever she was or had been, whether she had manipulated a beer-engine or gesticulated in musical comedy, there she was, and had to be assimilated. No questions were asked, but she was religiously invited to Manors at intervals, and Joan and Mrs. Leroy, when they went up to town in the season, paid occasional state calls upon Mrs. Lance at her residence in Maida Vale, where they drank tea in company with the alumncB of the variety stage and the jug- and-bottle department. Lance himself was understood to be making a living out of journalism. He looked considerably more than twenty-three. The third arrival was a Mr. Guy Haliburton, proposed for admission by Mr. Lance Gaymer, seconded by Mrs. Lance Gaymer. He was full of deference, and apologised with graceful humility for his presence. He felt himself a horrible in- truder, he said, but he had been assured so ear- nestly by "old Lance" that Mrs. Leroy was in want of another dancing man, that he had ven- tured to accept his vicarious invitation and come to Manors. He was made welcome. VARIUM ET MUTABILE 229 Mr. Haliburton, on further acquaintance, de- scribed himself as an actor, but Hughie, whose judgments of men as opposed to women were seldom wrong, put him down unhesitatingly as a gentleman who lived, actor or no, by his wits. He was a striking-looking personage of about thirty. He had curly black hair and dark eyes, with dangerous eyelashes. He was well dressed, too well dressed for the country, and one felt instinctively that he was a good card-player, and probably objected to cold baths and early rising. The Manors party were greeted in the ves- tibule of the Town Hall by Lady Fludyer, self- appointed Mistress of the Revels. At present she more nearly resembled a well-nourished Niobe. " My dear," she cried, falling limply upon Mrs. Leroy and kissing her feverishly, "what do you think has happened ?" "Band not come?" hazarded Mrs. Leroy. " Worse ! Not a man not a subaltern not a drummerboy can get away from Ipsleigh to- night!" (Ipsleigh was a neighbouring military depot, and a fountain-head of eligibility in a barren land.) "They have all been called out to some absurd inspection, or route-march, or manoeuvres, or something, at twenty-four hours' notice. And they were coming here in swarms! 230 SUAVITER IN MODO There won't be nearly enough men to go round now. Half the girls will be against the wall all night! Oh, my dear, when I get hold of the General - Lady Fludyer's voice rose to a shriek, and she plunged wailing into a dark doorway, like a train entering a tunnel. Mrs. Leroy turned to her shrinking cavaliers, with satisfaction in her eye. " It 's as well I brought the lot of you," she said. "Now get to work. Jack, the first waltz with you, if you please." The ball was soon in full swing, though it was only too plain that men were somewhat scarce. Hughie, much to his alarm, found his programme full in ten minutes, and presently, bitterly re- gretting the stokehold of the Orinoco, put forth into the fray with Mrs. Lance Gaymer, having decided to do his duty by that lady as soon as possible, and get it over. She addressed him as "dear boy," and waltzed in a manner which reminded him of the Covent Garden balls of his youth, thereby causing the highest and haughtiest of the county to inquire of their partners who she might be. The word soon passed round that she was the wife of young Gay- mer. ("You remember, don't you? Rather an unfortunate marriage, and all that. Barmaid, or something. However, the family have decided to VARIUM ET MUTABILE 231 make the best of her. They '11 have their hands full eh?") Whereupon fair women elevated their discreetly powdered noses a little higher, while unregenerate men hurried up, like the Four Young Oysters, all eager for the treat, and fur- tively petitioned Lance Gaymer to introduce them to his wife. On entering the ballroom Joan Gaymer, se- renely conscious of a perfectly-fitting new frock and her very best tinge of colour, took up her stand at her recognised "pitch" beside the end pillar on the left under the musicians' gallery, and proceeded to fill up the vacancies caused in her programme by the defection of the dancing warriors from Ipsleigh. Among the first appli- cants for the favour of a waltz was Mr. Guy Hali- burton. "All right number two," said Joan. Haliburton wrote it down, and asked for an- other. "I'll see how you waltz first," said Miss Gay- mer frankly. "Then perhaps! I am rather particular." The music had risen to her brain like wine, and she was in what her admirers would have called her most regal, and her detractors her most ob- jectionable, mood. Mr. Haliburton, however, merely bowed reverentially, and made way for an avalanche of Binkses and Cherubs, with whom 232 SUAVITER IN MODO Joan, babbling at the top of her voice and enjoy- ing every moment of her triumph, booked a list of fixtures that stretched away far into to-morrow morning. The waltz with the fascinating Haliburton proved so satisfactory, in point of fact, he was easily the best dancer in the room, that Joan immediately granted him two more. It was char- acteristic of her that she declined to take the floor again until the unfortunate gentlemen at whose expense Haliburton was being honoured had been found, brought to her, and apprised of their fate. They protested feebly, but Joan swept them aside in a fashion with which they were only too fami- liar. "Run way, chicks," she said maternally, "and get fresh partners. There are heaps of nice girls to spare to-night. Look at that little thing over there, with the blue eyes, and forget-me-nots in her hair. Get introduced to her she's perfectly lovely. Worth six of me, any day. Trot!" But the two young men, refusing to be com- forted, growled sulkily and elbowed their way outside, to console each other for the fragility of petticoat promises, and fortify themselves against any further slings and arrows of outrageous For- tune of a similar nature, in the refreshment room. Still, the girl to whom Joan had directed their attention was well worth notice. She stood near VARIUM ET MUTABILE 233 the door, a slim, graceful, and somehow rather appealing little figure. Her hair was the colour of ripe corn, her eyes, wide and wondering, were as blue as the forget-me-nots in her hair, and her lips, to quote King Solomon upon a very different type of female, were like a thread of scarlet. She wore a simple white frock, and carried in her hand the bouquet of the debutante. Joan swung past her in the embrace of the ever- faithful Binks. "That child is a perfect dream," she said to herself, "but her mouth is trembling at the cor- ners. I wonder if some man has forgotten to ask her to dance. I should think " At this point in her reflections she was whirled heavily into the orbit of a reversing couple, and the ensuing collision, together with the enjoyment of exacting a grovelling apology from the hapless Binks (who was in no way responsible for the ac- cident), drove further cogitations on the subject of the girl with the forget-me-nots out of her head. About midnight Joan slipped upstairs to what her last partner a mechanically-minded young gentleman from Woolwich described as the repairing shop, to make good the ravages effected by the Lancers as danced in high society in the present year of grace. The music for the next waltz was just beginning when she returned to her pillar. No eager partner 234 SUAVITER IN MODO awaited her, which was unusual; and Joan glanced at her programme. She bit her lip. "Number eight," she said to herself. "Joey, my child, he has scored you off and you de- serve it!" This cryptic utterance had reference to Mr. Hugh Marrable, to whom it may be remembered this particular dance had been offered, much as a bone is thrown to a dog, on the lawn at Manors three days before. Hughie's subsequent demeanour had piqued his ward's curiosity. He had made no further reference to number eight, neither had he made any attempt during this evening to come up and confirm the fixture. In fact, he had not asked Joan for a dance at all, with the consequence that Miss Gaymer, who, serenely confident that her guardian would come and eat humble pie at the last moment, had kept number eight free, now found herself occupying the rather unusual role of wallflower. What was more, she knew she would be unable to pick up a partner, for every available man was being worked to the last ounce, and pretty girls still sat here and there about the room, chatting with chaperons and maintaining a brave appearance of enjoyment and insouciance. "I'm not going to let Hughie see me propping a wall this dance," said Joan to herself with de- cision. "He would think I had been keeping it VARIUM ET MUTABILE 235 for him. What shall I do ? Go back to the cloak- room ? No ; it is always full of girls without part- ners pretending they've just dropped in to get sewn up. I'll go to the Mayor's parlour and sit there. It's never used at these dances." Making a mental entry on the debit side of her missing partner's ledger, Miss Gaymer retired unostentatiously from the ballroom, and turned down an unlighted passage, which was blocked by a heavy screen marked "Private," and encum- bered with rolls of carpet and superfluous furni- ture. The darkened passage was comfortably cool and peaceful after the blaze and turmoil of the field of action, and apparently had not been dis- covered by couples in search of seclusion. Joan was approaching the end, where she knew the door of the Mayor's parlour was situated, when she became aware of a certain subdued sound quite near her. It was a sound well calculated to catch the ear of one so tender-hearted as herself. Some one was sobbing, very wretchedly, in the darkness within a few feet of her. Joan stopped short, a little frightened, and peered about her. Her eyes were growing accus- tomed to the gloom, and presently she beheld a glimmer of white almost at her knee. The glim- mer outlined itself into the form of a filmy ball-dress. 236 SUAVITER IN MODO Joan tackled the situation with her usual promptitude. "I say," she said, "what's the matter? Let me help you." The sobbing ceased, and the white figure sat up with a start. "If you don't mind," continued Joan, "I'm going to turn up this electric light." There was a click, and the rays of a single and rather dusty incandescent lamp illuminated the scene, and with it the slender figure, seated for- lornly on a roll of red carpet, of the little lady of the forget-me-nots. Her face was flushed with sudden shame, for her shoulders were still heaving, and her cheeks glistened with tears, the which she dabbed con- fusedly with a totally inadequate scrap of pocket handkerchief. Joan, regardless of her new frock, was down upon the dusty roll of carpet in a moment. She put her arm round the girl. "My dear," she said authoritatively, "what is it? Tell me." The girl told her. It was a simple story, and not altogether a novel one, but it contained the elements of tragedy for all that. This was her coming-out ball. She pointed to her discarded bouquet lying on the grimy floor. Her father had put it into her hand, and hung a VARIUM ET MUTABILE 237 little enamel pendant round her neck, and given her a kiss, she told her story with all a child's fidelity to detail, and had despatched her in her brother's charge, with admonitions not to break too many hearts, on the long fourteen-mile drive to Midfield, a period occupied in ecstatic an- ticipations of the event to which she had been looking forward ever since she had put her hair up. Her brother, on their arrival, had booked one dance with her, subsequently cancelled with many apologies on the ground that he had just met a girl whom he simply must dance with, and introduced her to two young men whose pro- grammes were already full ; after which he had plunged into the crowd, comfortably conscious that his duty had been done, leaving his sister to stand, smiling bravely, with tingling feet and her heart in her throat, from half-past nine until a quarter-past twelve. The music was pulsing in her ears, youth and laughter were swinging easily past her even brushing her skirt ; and she was utterly and absolutely alone. She was just eigh- teen ; she was the prettiest girl (with the possible exception of Joan Gaymer) in the room ; it was her first ball and not a man had asked her to dance. A small matter, perhaps, compared with some, but men have blown out their brains for less. 238 SUAVITER IN MODO Long before she had sobbed out all her pitiful little narrative her head was on Joan's shoulder, and that mercurial young person, oblivious of everything save the fact that here was a sister in distress, was handling the situation as if she were twenty years her companion's senior instead of two. "I stood it for nearly three hours," said the girl apologetically, "and then I I came here." "Well, my dear," said Jflftn with decision, "you are n't going to stay here any longer. You are coming straight back to the ballroom with me." "I can't," replied the girl, "I could n't bear it!" "You are coming back to the ballroom with me," repeated Miss Gaymer firmly. "There are sixteen dances to go yet, and you are going to dance the soles of your slippers through, my child!" "You are awfully kind," said the girl wistfully, " but you won't be able to find me a partner now." "I can find you sixteen," said Joan. The child turned wondering eyes on her, and asked a question. "Me? Oh, I shall have a rest: I want one," replied Miss Gaymer, splendide mendax. "In fact, it will be a charity on your part to take them. They're all stupid, and they can't dance." VARIUM ET MUTABILE 239 But the girl shook her head. "You're a dear to suggest it," she said, "but it would n't do. Think how angry they would be, having booked a dance with Miss Gaymer, and only getting "Do you know me?" asked Joan in sur- prise.* "Everybody knows you," said the girl. Joan flushed rosily. It was a compliment after her own heart. ^^ ' "I say, what's ylur name?" she asked. "Sylvia Tarrant." Joan nodded. " I know now," she said. "You live near Gainford." The Tarrants were new-comers. Sylvia's father was a retired sailor and a widower, and had but lately settled in the district, which would account for his daughter's want of acquaintance. "Yes," said Sylvia. "But really, I could not take your partners. They'd be furious at getting me instead of you." Miss Gaymer turned and scrutinised the face and figure beside her. "All you want, my child," she said, "is a start. After to-night you'll never be left alone for two seconds at any ball you care to go to. In fact, I don't see how I shall ever be able to get any part- ners at all," she added plaintively. At this idea the girl laughed and looked hap- 240 SUAVITER IN MODO pier, which was just exactly what Joan meant her to do. Her spirit was returning. Joan rose briskly. "Now, Sylvia," she said, "I'm going to leave you for two minutes, because I want to find a man to send round and tell all my partners that you've agreed to take them on. Then I'll come back and get you started. Just put yourself straight. There's a loose end of hair here: I'll roll it up. There! Your eyes are getting better every minute. Give your skirt a shake out, and have a look at yourself in that mirror, and you'll be simply perfect. So long!" "There's somebody coming," said Sylvia, turn- ing from her toilet and looking over her shoulder. A masculine form filled the passage. It was Hughie, who, deprived of a partner through Joan's absence, the result of standing on his dignity in the matter of number eight, was prowling about in search of a quiet spot where he might indulge in the luxury of a pipe. Joan, who had forgotten all about number eight, received him with unfeigned pleasure, and hurried him back whence he came. On the way she breathlessly explained the situation to him. "Hughie, that poor child has come here not knowing a soul, and has stood against the wall for three hours. There is n't a partner to be had for love or money at this hour, so she must just VARIUM ET MUTABILE 241 have mine. Take my programme wait a min- ute, I'll fill in some of these initials and go round to all the men whose names are on it, and tell them I'm very sorry but I've got a headache and can't dance any more to-night, but they're to come to me at once at my pillar and be intro- duced to a substitute I've provided for them." "Do you think they'll exactly jump at the idea of a substitute?" suggested Hughie mildly. "Their business," said Miss Gaymer with a sudden return to her usual manner, "is to do what I tell them! Run, Hughie. Don't say a word about the poor kid not having been able to get partners, will you ? Say she came late any- thing! You understand ?" Hughie nodded. "I understand," he said. "She came late, and you have a headache. Those are the two essential facts of the case eh ?" " Yes. Hurry !" said Joan, giving her guardian a push. "Joey," said Hughie, "you're a brick!" Half an hour later the members of the Midfield Hunt Ball were electrified to behold Miss Joan Gaymer sitting between two comatose and fam- ished chaperons, watching the dancers with in- dulgent eye, and generally presenting the appear- ance of one whose time for these follies is overpast. 242 SUAVITER IN MODO Then heads began to turn in another direction. People were asking one another who the little thing with the forget-me-nots might be, who danced like a fairy, and appeared to have made a "corner" in all Miss Gaymer's usual admirers. Had her appearance anything to do with Miss Gaymer's retirement ? A case of pique eh ? Heads wagged sagely, and eyebrows were ele- vated. Poor Joan ! Like all the great ones of the earth, she had her detractors. Sylvia herself was lost in the clouds by this time. When not engaged in obeying Joan's man- date to dance the soles of her slippers through, she was granting interviews to obsequious young men, who surged round in respectful platoons and hoped that, though disappointed on this oc- casion, they might have the pleasure at the County Bachelors' on Thursday fortnight. Never was there such a triumph. The girl, radiant and fluttering, smiled and blushed and wrote down hopeless hieroglyphics on the back of her programme, while Miss Joan Gaymer, the deposed, the eclipsed, sat contentedly by and realised to the full the truth of her own dictum that all Sylvia Tarrant wanted was a start. Later in the evening the watchful eye of Hughie Marrable detected the fact that Joan had dis- appeared from amid the concourse of matrons, and he speculated as to where she might be. He VARIUM ET MUTABILE 243 himself was enjoying a brief period of freedom, his partner for the moment having pleaded urgent private repairs and vanished to the regions above, and the idea had struck him that Joan might be going supperless. A brief scrutiny informed him that she was neither in the ballroom nor the supper-room. Then an inspiration seized him. Waiting for a comparatively quiet moment, he paid a hasty visit to the latter apartment, and having levied a contribution upon the side-table, slipped fur- tively round the big screen and down the dark passage. His instincts had not failed him. Miss Joan Gaymer was sitting peacefully upon the roll of red carpet. Her head was lying back against the wall, and the rays of the dusty electric light glinted upon her coppery hair. Her eyes were closed, but she opened them at Hughie's approach, blinking like a sleepy Dryad. "Hallo, Hughie!" she observed. "You nearly won a pair of gloves that time. Long evening, this!" Hughie began to deposit articles on the floor. "Supper," he observed briefly. He laid out a plate of mayonnaise, another of trifle, a bottle about half- full of champagne, and a tumbler. "Hughie," said Joan, "you're the only real 244 SUAVITER IN MODO friend I have in the world ! I was nearly crying for something to eat. That, and seeing other people dance and not me. Hughie, it was simply awful! I had no idea: if I had sat there much longer I should have burst into tears. I'd for- gotten, too, that by giving away all my partners I was giving away my supper. If I'd remem- bered I would have kept just one a little one. But never mind, now: the plague is stayed. I owe you one for this. How did you manage to carry all those things?" "Large hands," said Hughie. "Half a min- ute!" He produced from his tail-pocket two forks, a napkin, and a bottle of soda-water. "I remembered you liked your drink diluted," he said, pouring out both bottles at once. "I noticed it at dinner, the other night." "Hughie, you're a dear!" said Joan impul- sively. "Say when!" remarked Hughie unsteadily. It was five o'clock in the morning. The band had played " Whisper and I shall hear," followed by "John Peel," followed by "God save the King," followed by "John Peel," once more, fol- lowed by "God save the King" again, and the musicians were now putting away their instru- ments with an air of finality which intimated that VARIUM ET MUTABILE 245 in their humble opinion the Midfield Hunt Ball had had its money's worth. The Manors party, all twelve of them, were being scientifically packed into an omnibus con- structed to seat ten uncomfortably, and Joan was waiting her turn in the portico. At this moment Sylvia Tarrant, followed by a slightly sheepish brother, came down the steps. Her cheeks were excessively pink and her eyes blazed. She saw Joan, and stopped. "I was afraid I was going to miss you," she said. "Good-night!" "Good-night!" said Joan. The little girl she was a head shorter than Joan placed her hands upon her new friend's shoulders, and stood on tiptoe. "I should like to kiss you," she said shyly. "Oh, my dear!" said Joan, quite flustered. "Of course if you like. There!" She was unusually silent all the way home, and when they reached Manors said good-night to Mrs. Leroy and flitted upstairs to her room. The rest of the party dispersed ten minutes later, and Hughie was left alone with his host and hostess. "I have never known that child have a head- ache before," said Mrs. Leroy rather anxiously, as Hughie lighted her candle. "I hope there's nothing wrong." "She's as right as rain," said Hughie. "She 246 SUAVITER IN MODO gave up all her partners every man Jack of them I mean I'm sorry ! I don't think she meant me to tell " "You may as well finish now," said Mrs. Leroy composedly. Hughie did so. Mrs. Leroy nodded. "It was like her," she said softly, "especially telling you to keep quiet about it. A good many women might have given up their dances, but very few could have resisted the temptation to make capital out of their generosity. Never tell me again, miserable creature," she continued, turning suddenly upon her comatose spouse, " that a woman is incapable of doing a good turn to another woman!" "Cert'nly, m'dear," replied Captain Leroy, making a desperate effort to close his mouth and open his eyes. "But of course," broke in Hughie unexpectedly, "there are precious few women like Joey." Then he bit his lip, and turned a dusky red. Mrs. Leroy, being a woman, took no outward notice, but her husband, who was a plain crea- ture, turned and regarded his guest with undis- guised interest. "What ho!" he remarked, wagging his sleepy head. "Good-night, old man!" said Hughie hur- riedly. CHAPTER XIV BUSINESS ONLY NEXT morning Hughie made Miss Joan Gaymer a proposal of marriage. It was not an impressive effort very few pro- posals are. But a performance of this kind may miss the mark as a spectacle and yet, by the in- dulgence of the principal spectator, achieve its end. Even thus Hughie failed, and for various reasons. In the first place, he proposed directly after breakfast, which, as Joey pathetically observed to Mrs. Leroy long afterwards, was just the sort of brutal thing he would do. A woman, especially if she be young, likes to be won, or at any rate wooed, in a certain style. A secluded spot, sub- dued light, mayhap a moon ; if possible, distant music all these things tell. If Hughie had paid a little more attention to stage-effects of this kind he might have found his ward more amenable. Being a Marrable, he brushed aside these trap- pings and came straight to what he fondly imag- ined was the point, little knowing that to a young girl romance and courtship make up one great and glorious vista, filling the eye and occupying 248 SUAVITER IN MODO the entire landscape, while marriage is a small black cloud on the distant horizon. His actual method of procedure was to sit heavily down beside his ward as she enjoyed the morning sun in a corner of the lawn, and say, - "Joey, I want to talk to you on business." "All right, warder," replied Miss Gaymer meekly ; " fire away ! ' ' "I suppose you know," said Hughie, a little dashed, "that all your affairs have been left in my hands ?" "I do, worse luck !" said Miss Gaymer frankly. "And that reminds me, Hughie dear, I should like a trifle on account. You won't refuse poor Joey, will you?" She squeezed her guardian's arm in a manner which a Frenchman would have described as ires caline. " I think I had better put you on an allowance," said Hughie. Joan's eyes danced. "Oh, you ripper I How much?" "Can't say," replied Hughie, "until I've been up to town and seen the bankers." "When are you going?" " To-morrow : that 's why I wanted to talk to you to-day. You see, your money is in two parts, so to speak. One lot is tied up in such a way that BUSINESS ONLY 249 it can't be touched until poor Uncle Jimmy's death is actually proved." Joan's blue-grey eyes were troubled. "Hughie," she said, "is there any hope ? I still like to think so." Hughie shook his head. " Not much," he said. "In fact, none. It is known that he went with that crack-brained expedition of Hymack's up the Congo, to study the Rubber Question on the spot, and the last letter he sent home said that he was suffering from black- water fever, and it is also known that the expedition came back without him. And all that was two years ago, Joey." Joan nodded her head submissively. "Poor Uncle Jimmy!" she said softly. "Still," continued Hughie stoutly, "you never know. I have sent a man out to make inquiries, and if he fails, perhaps I shall go myself. But until we learn something definite the will can't be proved. However, he left me very full instruc- tions what to do in case he did not come back, so I must carry them out. There is plenty for you to go on with. I shall run up to town to-morrow, and when I come back I'll let you know how much it is, and how much a year I can allow you." Miss Gaymer clasped her hands and sighed happily. " We will have a time, Hughie!" she said. "I'll stand treat." 250 SUAVITER IN MODO "Thank you," said Hughie gravely. There was a long silence. Hughie, suddenly ill at ease, he had arrived at Part Two of his morning's syllabus, made fatuous attempts to roll a cigarette. His ward sat with a rapt expres- sion in her widely-opened eyes, mentally visualis- ing a series of charitable enterprises (ranging from a turquoise pendant for Mildred Leroy to a new cap for the cook) made feasible by the sudden prospect of wealth. Presently Hughie cleared his throat in a heart- rending manner, and said, in what he afterwards admitted to himself was entirely the wrong sort of voice, " Joey, I think you and I had better marry one another." Miss Gaymer, who was more used to this sort of thing than her companion, turned and eyed him calmly. "And why?" she asked. There was only one possible answer to this question, and Hughie should have given it with the full strength of his heart and soul and body. But well, reserve is a curious and paralysing thing. All he said was, "I think it would be very suitable; don't you ?" "For you or for me ?" inquired Miss Gaymer. "For both of us," replied Hughie. "No for BUSINESS ONLY 251 me!" he added, his habitual modesty getting the better of him. "In what way ?" continued Miss Gaymer, with unnatural calm. " Well Uncle Jimmy was very keen about it," said Hughie desperately. "You're a dutiful nephew, Hughie," observed Joan approvingly. "And then," continued the suitor, "as I have been made your guardian, and all that, I think I am in a position to take care of you, and look after your money, and so on." " You mean it would make it easier for you to manage my affairs ?" said Miss Gaymer helpfully. "Yes," said Hughie, feeling that he was get- ting on. "Any more reasons ?" inquired Miss Gaymer, with a docile appearance of intelligent interest. Hughie made an immense effort, and grasped his chair until the veins stood out on his hands. Parturiunt monies at last. "Well, Joey," he said at last, "we have always been pals, and all that. I mean, we have known each other for a long time now, have n't we ? You even offered to marry me once," he laughed nervously, " when you were a kiddie. Do you remember ? It seems to me we should get on first- rate together eh ? What's your opinion ?" Ridiculus mus ! 252 SUAVITER IN MO DO Miss Gaymer sat up in her chair, and turned upon the unfortunate young man beside her. "And you dare" she said, "to come to a girl like me with a proposal like that! You sit there and tell me that you have taken me over from Uncle Jimmy like a like a parcel from a porter, and that you have been saddled with my money and affairs, so perhaps it would be simplest and save trouble if you married me! Mel" she re- peated, "who have to keep men off with a stick !" The last sentence was a mistake. It was an inartistic and egotistical climax to a perfectly justifiable tirade. Joan realised the fact the mo- ment she had uttered the words, but poor Hughie was too much occupied in retiring into his shell to notice anything. He had laid bare his heart, in his own fashion, for the first time in his life, and this was the result. Never again ! He burned inwardly, like a child who has been laughed at by grown-ups. "I'm sorry," he said stiffly. "My mistake! Shan't occur again." Joey's ear was caught by the tone of his voice, and conscience gave her a twinge. She patted Hughie's arm in a friendly way. "Old boy," she said, suddenly contrite, "I've made you angry, and I 've hurt you. I 'm sowwy sorry, I mean ! (I'm a bit upset, you see," she said, smiling disarmingly.) "But I can't marry BUSINESS ONLY 253 you, really. I could n't bear to be married at all at present. It seems so so unnecessary. I don't see what I should get out of it. That's a selfish thing to say, I suppose, but I'll try to explain a girl's point of view to you. You're a terrible child in some respects, so I'll do it quite simply." She stroked his sleeve in a motherly fashion, and continued : " Years ago, my dear, the only way a girl could get her freedom or any male society was by marrying. Now, she gets as much of both as she wants, and if she marries she loses all the freedom and most of the male society. So why should she marry at all?" Hughie kept silence before this poser. He felt incapable of plunging into the depths of an argu- ment : one has to keep to the surface in discussing these matters with a maiden of twenty. "So I shan't marry for years, if at all," con- tinued Miss Gaymer, with the air of one pro- pounding an entirely new theory. "Not until I'm getting passee at any rate, and only then if I could find a man whom it would n't give me the creeps to think of spending the rest of my life with. Besides, the moment one gets engaged all the other men drop off, all the nice ones, at any rate, and that would never do. Don't you think my system is a sensible one?" "It comes hard on the men," said Hughie. 254 SUAVITER IN MODO "Yes, poor dears!" said Miss Gaymer sympa- thetically. "Still, one man is so tiresome and a lot is so nice!" With which concise and not unmasterly sum- mary of the marriage question, as viewed through the eyes of the modern maiden, Miss Gaymer turned the conversation into other channels, and the idyll terminated. Half an hour later they were called into the house, to make ready for a boating expedition. Joan, with her usual frankness, reverted for a moment before they left the seclusion of the trees to the topic that was uppermost in their minds. "Hughie," she said softly, "does it hurt much?" "I don't quite know yet," said Hughie. " I mean, are you sad or angry which ? It usually takes a man one way or the other," ob- served this experienced damsel. "I don't know that I'm either," said Hughie meditatively ; " the only feeling that I have just now is that I'm desperately sorry. But I'm not kicking." "It is my belief," remarked Miss Gaymer with sudden and pardonable asperity, " that you don't care for me in the least. Do you, now?" They were a very honest and sincere couple, these. For a full minute they looked each other in BUSINESS ONLY 255 the face, without speaking. Then Hughie said, "Joey, I simply don't know! I thought I did half an hour ago, and I'd have sworn it last night, when " He checked himself. "When what?" asked Joan swiftly. "Nothing," said Hughie. "That's rather be- side the point now, is n't it ?" Joan, curiosity struggling with honesty, nodded reluctantly. "Anyhow," continued Hughie, "I thought I did then, but I'm blessed if I know now. In fact," he added in a sudden burst of confidence, "sometimes I can't stand you at any price, Joey dear!" " Ah ! " said Miss Gaymer, nodding a wise head, "I see you don't know your own mind yet. But you will one way or another as soon as you get away from me." A week later another interview took place between the pair, on the same spot. "Business only this time, Joey!" said Hughie, with rather laborious cheerfulness. "All right. Did you have a good time in town ?" inquired Miss Gaymer, in the inevitable manner of women and Orientals, who dislike coming to the point in matters of business with- out a few decent preliminaries. 256 8UAVITER IN MODO "Yes, thanks. I have been picking up old friends again, and generally settling down," said Hughie. "Got a flat, and a comic man- servant Scotchman introduce you some day. He- He plunged into a rather rambling description of John Alexander Goble. He was evidently no more anxious to get to business than Joan. At last Miss Gaymer inquired, " Well, Hughie, have you fixed up my affairs ?" "Yes," said Hughie slowly. "Do you want details?" "Mercy, no! I don't know anything about business, and I don't believe you do either, Hughie. Do you?" "Not much," confessed the trustee. "How- ever, I must tell you at once, Joey, that your in- come won't be nearly as large as I expected ! "Right O!" replied Joan cheerfully. "When do I start for the workhouse ?" "It's not quite so bad as that," said Hughie, "but" "What am I worth?" inquired the practical Miss Gaymer. "I can't quite tell you," said Hughie in a hesitating fashion. "You see" He appeared to be choosing his words rather carefully "the nominal value of investments, and their actual cash equivalent BUSINESS ONLY 257 Joan put her fingers in her ears. "Stop !" she cried, "or I shall scream ! I don't know an asset from a liability, except that in the arithmetic book brokerage is one-eighth, and Never mind! I should never understand. How much am I to have a year ? Tell me that." "Supposing it should be a mere trifle," said Hughie slowly, "what would you do?" Miss Gaymer puckered her brow thoughtfully. "You mean, if I had n't enough to live on ?" Hughie nodded. "Well, I shouldn't be a governess, I don't think. I love children, but children are always perfectly diabolical to their governess, and I should n't be able to stand their mothers, either. No : governesses are off ! I should n't mind being a typewriter, though, or a secretary, not that I can typewrite, or even spell, provided it was to a really nice man. An author, you know, or a Cabinet Minister. He could walk about the room, rumpling up his hair and getting the stuff off his chest, and I would sit there like a little mouse, in a neat black skirt and a white silk blouse, perhaps one or two carnations pinned on, look- ing very sweet and taking it all down." "It's a pretty picture," said Hughie drily. "Yes, is n't it ?" said Miss Gaymer, with genu- ine enthusiasm. "I think," she continued, soar- ing to still greater heights, " that I should like to 258 SUAVITER IN MODO go on the stage best of all. Of course, it would n't be the slightest good my going on the proper stage learning parts, and all that ; but a piece like 'The Merry Widow,' with different frocks for each act and just a few choruses to sing in, would be top-hole! Say I'm a pauper, Hughie!" "You're not thank God!" was Hughie's brutal but earnest response. "All right, then! Don't bite my head off!" said Miss Gaymer, with unimpaired good temper. "Let us resume. How much are you going to give me ?" "How much can you live on ?" "Well, I was talking about it to Ursula Har- bord you know her, don't you?" "I do," said Hughie, making a wry face. " Very well, don't abuse her. She's the cleverest girl I know," said Joan warmly. "She is on the staff of 'The New Woman,' and can put a man in his place in about two minutes." "So I discovered," said Hughie resignedly. "Popular type of girl. However, you were saying ?" "I was asking Ursula," continued Joan, "about the cost of living in town, and so on, and we agreed to share a flat. She said I could get along on three hundred a-year." Joan paused expectantly, and waited for an answer to her unspoken question. BUSINESS ONLY 259 "That," said Hughie, after hesitating a mo- ment as if to work out a sum in mental arith- metic, "is just what I can give you." A pair of Archdiaconal shoe-buckles, the glim- mer of a lady's white evening wrap, and a glowing cigar-end were discernible in the half-light of the verandah outside the drawing-room window after dinner. Two Olympians, to whom human hearts were as an open book, were discussing mortal affairs. "Is there no way of bringing it off ?" inquired one voice. "Lots," replied the other. "But they have so bungled things between them that we shall have to go slow for a bit. Why, oh, why do men whom you could trust to do almost anything in the ordinary way always make such a mess of their love-affairs ? Why are n't you married, for in- stance, Mr. D'Arcy?" "To return to the point," said the reverend gentleman evasively, " what ought Hughie to do ? Take her by the shoulders and shake her ? I have known such a method prove most efficacious," he added, rather incautiously. "N-no," said Mrs. Leroy, "I don't think so not in Joey's case. It would bring some women to reason most women, in fact in no time. But the child is too high-spirited. Her pride 260 SUAVITER IN MODO would never forgive such treatment. A better way would be for him to make love to some one else." "Being Hughie, that is out of the question. He could only make love to some one else if he meant it; and that would rather defeat your object, Mrs. Leroy." "My object?" " Well, ours, then. But is there no other way ?" "Yes. He must get into trouble of some kind. At present he is too popular: everybody likes him. If they turned against him she would come round fast enough. Yes, he must get into trouble." " Well, perhaps he will," said the Venerable the Archdeacon hopefully. BOOK FOUR THE UNJUST STEWARD CHAPTER XV DEPUTATIONS WITH A DIFFERENCE HUGHIE let himself into his chambers in Jer- myn Street, and rang the bell of his sitting-room. It was a comfortable bachelor apartment, with sporting trophies on the walls, cavernous arm- chairs round the fireplace, and plenty of pipes dotted about the mantelpiece. It was eleven o'clock on a fine morning in March, and Hughie had been to Putney to stroke a scratch eight against the Cambridge crew, who had rowed a full trial on the early flood and required a little pacing between bridges. Presently the sitting-room door opened, and John Alexander Goble presented himself upon the threshold. Since his unregenerate days on board the Orinoco a new and awful respectability had descended upon him, and in his sober menial attire he looked more like a Calvinistic divine than ever. He regarded his employer with some displeasure. " Your breakfast has been sitting in the fender these twa hours," he observed bitterly. " Sorry, John. Afraid I forgot to countermand it. I had some at Putney." 264 THE UNJUST STEWARD "At what hour?'* inquired the inexorable Mr. Goble. "Half-past seven, about, with the crew." "It's eleven the noo. You'll be able for some mair, I doot. Forbye it's a pity to waste good food. Bide you, while I'll get it." Hughie, who was as wax in the hands of his retainer, presently found himself partaking of a lukewarm collation and opening his letters. He glanced through the first. "John!" he called. Mr. Goble appeared from the bedroom. "Were you cry in' on me?" he inquired. "Yes. Did two gentlemen call here at ten ?" "Aye." "Who were they?" "Yon felly Gaymer, and anither." "Who was he?" "I couldna say." "' What was he like?" Mr. Goble cast about him for a suitable com- parison. "He was just a long drink o' watter," he an- nounced at last, with an air of finality. "Did he look like an actor?" inquired Hughie, with a flash of intuition. "Worse than that," replied Goble. " Um I think I know him. Thank you, that will do. By the way, I'm expecting some friends DEPUTATIONS 265 to lunch. Captain and Mrs. Leroy and Mr. D'Arcy. You know him, don't you ?" "D'Arcy? Aye, I mind him fine. A fat yin, wi' a lum hat tied up wi' string. A popish-lookin' body," commented Mr. Goble sorrowfully. He retired downstairs, to ponder upon the dubiety of the company into which his employer appeared to be drifting, and Hughie returned to his letters. The sight of the next caused him to glow sud- denly, for on the back of the envelope he observed the address of Joan's flat. But he cooled when he turned it round and read the superscription. It was in the handwriting of the lady with whom Joan shared the flat. " DEAR MR. MARRABLE [it said], "Joan and I are coming to call on you to- morrow about twelve " "They'd better stay to lunch." Hughie touched the bell and continued, "Dear Joan is very young in some ways, and she has no idea of the value of money ; but since talking the matter over with me recently, she would like to have a few words with you about her financial position. "How delightful to see the leaves coming out again ! Believe me, yours sincerely, "URSULA HARBORD." 266 THE UNJUST STEWARD "'Dear Joan would like* would she ?" com- mented Hughie. " I 'm afraid it's Ursula Harbord I'm going to have the few words with, though. Hades!" He rose and crossed the room to the fireplace, where he kicked the coals with unnecessary violence. Then he sighed heavily, and picked up a photograph which stood upon the mantelpiece. Joan had spoken nothing but the truth when she told Hughie that he would discover his true feelings as soon as he found himself away from her. For six or eight months he had gone about his day's work with the thoroughness and deter- mination of his nature. He had administered the little estate of Manors, was beginning to dabble in politics, had taken up rowing again, and was trying to interest himself generally in the course of life to which he had looked forward so eagerly on his travels. He had even tried conclusions with a few debutantes who had been introduced to his notice by business-like Mammas. But what- ever his course of life, his thoughts and desires persisted in centring round a single object, a very disturbing and elusive object, and try as he would, he failed to derive either pleasure or profit from his present existence. In other words, he had made a mess of a love- affair. Most men and most women too, for that DEPUTATIONS 267 matter undergo this experience at least once in their lives, and no two ever endure it in the same way. One rants, another mopes, a third forgets, a fourth bides his time, a fifth seeks consolation elsewhere, a sixth buries himself in work or dissipation. Hughie, who cherished a theory that everything ultimately comes right in this world provided you hold on long enough, and that when in doubt a man should " stand by the Day's Work and await instructions," like Kipling's Bridge-Builders, had gone steadily on, because it was his nature so to do. It was uphill work at present, a mechanical perfunctory business, with no reward or alleviation in sight, but he was determined to go on doing his duty by Joan to the best of his ability, and combine so far as he was able the incompatible roles of stern guardian, undesired suitor, and to him most paradoxical of all familiar friend. For there was no doubt that Joan liked him. She trusted him, consulted him, yea, obeyed him, even when he contradicted her most prepos- terous utterances and put down a heavy foot on her most cherished enterprises. For this he did without flinching. The fact that he was a failure as a lover seemed to be no reason why he should fail as a guardian. Not that Joan submitted readily to his regime. To Hughie's essentially masculine mind her 268 THE UNJUST STEWARD changes of attitude were a complete mystery. They seemed to have no logical sequence or con- nection. She would avoid him or seek him out with equal unexpectedness. She might be hope- lessly obstinate or disarmingly docile. One day she would behave like a spoilt child ; on another she would be a very grandmother to him. Some- times she would blaze up and rail against her much-enduring guardian for a tyrant and a monster; at others she would take him under a most maternal wing, and steer him through a garden-party or a reception in a manner which made him feel like a lost child in the hands of a benevolent policeman. On one occasion, which he particularly remembered, she had rounded on him and scolded him for a full half-hour for his stolid immobility and lack of finesse; the self-same afternoon he had overheard her hotly defending him against a charge of dulness brought by two frivolous damsels over the tea-table. All this was very perplexing to a man who hated subtlety and liked his friends and foes marked in plain figures. It unsettled his own opinions, too. Joey's variegated behaviour pre- vented him from deciding in his own mind whether he really liked her or not. At present all he was certain of was that he loved her. Meanwhile she was coming to see him about her financial position. That did not promise DEPUTATIONS 269 romance. And Ursula Harbord was coming too. Help! Certainly life was a rotten business at present. And it had been so full and glorious before he had forsaken the wide world and taken to this sort of thing. It might have been so dif- ferent too, if only Poor Hughie replaced Joan's photograph, sighed again and coughed confusedly. A fu- nereal image appeared over his shoulder in the chimney-glass. "Were you ringin' ?" inquired a sepulchral voice. " Yes, John. Miss Gaymer and a friend of hers are coming to see me this morning. They'll prob- ably stay to lunch. You can clear away that food over there." He returned to his letters. Only one remained unopened, and proved to be from a man with whom he had arranged to shoot in the autumn. "This seems to promise a little relief from the present cheery state of affairs," he mused. " Four men on a nice bleak moor, with no women about ! Thank God ! A hundred pounds a share. Well, Lord knows, trusteeing is an unprofitable busi- ness, but I think I can just do it. I '11 accept at once." He began to write a telegram. Bachelors have a habit of conducting their correspondence in this manner. 270 THE UNJUST STEWARD "Here's they twa whigmalearies," announced Mr. Goble dispassionately. He ushered in Lance Gaymer and the histrionic Mr. Haliburton. "After compliments," as they say in official circles, Lance came to the point. "Marrable," he said, after an almost imper- ceptible exchange of glances with Haliburton, "aren't you keeping my sister rather short of money?" Hughie turned and stared at him in blank astonishment. Mr. Haliburton, exuding gentlemanly tact at every pore, rose instantly. "You two fellows would like to be alone, no doubt," he said. "I must not intrude into family matters. I'll call for you in half an hour, Lance." Hughie had risen too. "You need not trouble, Mr. Haliburton," he said. "Lance is coming with you." Mr Gaymer was obviously unprepared for such prompt measures as these. " But look here I say what the devil do you mean ?" he spluttered. "I mean," replied Hughie deliberately, he had realised, almost exultantly, that here once more was a situation which need not be handled with kid gloves, " that I am your sister's sole trustee and guardian, and that you have nothing DEPUTATIONS 271 whatever to do with the disposition of her prop- erty, and "I think you forget," said Lance truculently, "that I am her brother." "I do not forget it," said Hughie. "Neither did Jimmy Marrable. It was no oversight on his part which left Joan's inheritance and yours locked up in separate compartments, so to speak. He gave you an independent income long ago, Lance, because he was particularly anxious to give you no opportunity of interfering with Joan's affairs when the time came. For some reason he had chosen me for the job, and he preferred that I should have a free hand. Therefore I am not going to allow you to cut into my department. I am sorry to have to put it so brutally, but, really, you have been infernally officious of late. This is the fourth reference which you have made to the subject during the past six weeks. I don't know whether your enterprise is inspired by brotherly love or the desire to make a bit, but whichever it is I don't think you'll get much change out of me. I also object to your latest move bringing in Mr. Haliburton, presumably as an accomplice, or a witness, or whatever you like to call him." "Really, Mr. Marrable!" Mr. Haliburton's voice quivered with gentlemanly indignation. Hughie rang the bell. 272 THE UNJUST STEWARD " Look here, Marrable," burst out Lance furi- ously, "you are getting yourself in a hole, I can tell you ! We I happen to know that Jimmy Marrable left thirty or forty thousand pounds at least for Joey's immediate use; and I am pretty certain he left something for mine too. Now" "I'm sorry I can't ask you to stay to lunch," said Hughie, "but I have some friends coming. Show these gentlemen out, John." The deputation was ruthlessly shepherded downstairs by the impassive Mr. Goble, and Hughie was left to his own reflections. He filled a pipe meditatively. "I wonder," he said, lighting a spill and puffing, "where young Lance got his figures from. I also wonder what the game is. He was obvi- ously a bit worked up, and I should say he had been fortifying himself for the interview before he arrived. I knew, of course, that he had never forgiven me for being put in charge of Joey's affairs: he has always made things as difficult for me as possible. Perhaps he wants a trifle for himself: his closing remarks rather pointed that way. But what on earth is friend Haliburton doing in that galley ? I fancy he has been at the back of things all along. What interest has he in the amount of Joey's fortune? I don't know much about him, but I would n't trust him a yard. DEPUTATIONS 273 Perhaps Lance owes him money. Have they gone, John ?" "Aye," replied Mr. Goble. "They went quite quietly," he added regretfully. He began to lay the table for luncheon. "I say, John," began Hughie awkwardly. "Aye?" "There's a thing I want to speak to you about. I have been losing money lately, and I have to give up some luxuries I can't afford. I I am afraid you are one of them. I have always re- garded a man-servant as an extravagance," he went on with a rush, "and I must ask you to look about for another place. Take your time, of course, and don't leave me till you are suited. I shall be glad to give you a character, and all that. You understand ?" There was a silence, while Mr. Goble folded a napkin. Then he replied: "Fine!" Then he added, after a pause, "So you've been lossin' your money? Aye! Aha! Mphm!" "Yes. I'm desperately sorry," said Hughie penitently. "I don't want to lose you. Perhaps it will only be tempor " "You'll no be daen' that yet a while," re- marked Mr. Goble morosely. "I'm an ill body tae move." "But, John, you don't understand. I can't afford to keep you for more than " 274 THE UNJUST STEWARD "There a cab!" observed Mr. Goble. Hughie looked down out of the window. " So it is," he said hastily. " I '11 show them up, John. You go on with your work." He was across and out of the room in three strides, and could be heard descending the stairs kangaroo fashion. Mr. John Goble breathed heavily into a spoon and rubbed it with the point of his elbow. "I wunner wha his visitors is," he mused caus- tically. "Of course he always opens the door himsel' tae all his visitors ! Of course I dinna ken wha she is! Oh, no!" He wagged his head in a broken-hearted man- ner, and gave vent to a depressing sound which a brother Scot would have recognised as a chuckle of intense amusement. To him entered Miss Ursula Harbord. She wore pince-nez and a sage-green costume of some art fabric one of the numerous crimes com- mitted in the name of Liberty. She was Joan Gaymer's latest fad; and under her persuasive tutelage Joan was beginning to learn that the men who all her life had served her slightest whim were at once monsters of duplicity and brainless idiots ; and that, given a few more fervid and ungram- matical articles in "The New Woman," women would shortly come to their own and march in the van of civilisation, and that people like DEPUTATIONS 275 Ursula Harbord would march in the van of the women. Pending this glorious destiny, Miss Harbord acted as unsettler-in-general of Joan's domestic instincts, and worried Hughie considerably. She was followed into the room by Joan ; very much the Joan of last summer, if we make allow- ances for the distressing appearance presented by a young woman of considerable personal attrac- tions who is compelled by Fashion's decree, for this season at any rate, to obscure her features under a hat which looks like an unsuccessful compromise between a waste-paper basket and a dish-cover. " Well, John," she inquired in her friendly fash- ion, "have you quite settled down in London ?" "Aye, mem." "Not missing Scotland?" continued Joan, peeling off her white gloves and sitting down in an arm-chair. "Naething to speak of," said John. "I thought," continued Miss Gaymer, survey- ing Mr. Coble's Cimmerian features, "that you had perhaps left your heart there." " Ma hairt ? What for would I dae a thing like that?" enquired the literal Mr. Coble. "A hairt is no a thing a body can dae wi'oot," he explained. ."It's no like a rib. Ye jist get the ane, so ye canna afford tae get leavin' it ony place." 276 THE UNJUST STEWARD Miss Gaymer smilingly abandoned the topic, and in all probability the ghost of Sydney Smith chuckled. "When are you going to pay us another visit at Manors ?" was Joan's next question. "I'm no sure," said Mr. Goble. "Mr. Mar- rable has jist given me notice." "Oh, John!" said Joan, "what have you been doing ? Breaking his china ?" " Drinking his wine ?" suggested Miss Harbord, turning from a scornful inspection of Hughie's stock of current literature. "I doot I'm no givin' satisfaction," said John. "But, John, I am sure you are!" said Joan. "Was that the reason he gave?" "He said he was givin' up keepin' a man- servant." Miss Harbord, who had been craning her neck to see something in the street, turned round sharply. "Why? Has he been losing money?" "I couldna say, mem," said Mr. Goble wood- enly. He shared his master's antipathy to Miss Harbord. That lady shook her head resignedly. "I thought so!" she said. "Joan, dear " At this moment Hughie entered, and Miss Har- bord's fire was diverted. DEPUTATIONS 277 "Mr. Marrable, have you got rid of that cab- man ?" she enquired with truculence. "Rather!" said Hughie. "He went like a lamb." " He was intoxicated," remarked Miss Harbord freezingly. "I didn't notice it," said Hughie. "He was quite tractable. Apparently you engaged him at Hyde Park Terrace and stopped at two shops on the way." "That is correct." "And you gave him one and threepence for a drive of over two miles and a stop of about ten minutes." " His legal fare. We employed him for exactly half an hour." " But did you tell him that you were engaging him by the hour?" " Of course not ! They simply crawl if you do. You might have known that, Mr. Marrable." "Well, it's all right now," interposed Joan cheerfully. "Mr. Marrable," persisted Miss Harbord, "I fear you were weak with him. How much did you give him ?" "Nothing out of the way," said Hughie un- easily. "You'll stay to lunch, won't you? I am expecting the Leroys and D'Arcy. We can all go on to a matinee afterwards." 278 THE UNJUST STEWARD Miss Harbord assumed the expression of one who is not to be won over by fair words, and endeavoured to catch Miss Gaymer's eye an enterprise which failed signally, as the latter lady rose from her seat and strolled to the window. "Mr. Marrable," began Miss Harbord, taking up her parable single-handed, "Joan wishes to have a chat with you about money-matters." "No I don't, Hughie," said Miss Gaymer promptly, over her shoulder. "Well then, dear," said Miss Harbord calmly, "you ought to. Women leave these things to men far too much as it is. Joan has an old- fashioned notion," she added to Hughie, "that it is not quite nice for girls to know anything about money-matters: hence her reluctance. However, I will conduct her case for her." Miss Harbord crossed her legs, threw herself back in her chair in a manner which demon- strated most conclusively her contempt for ap- pearances and feminine ideas of decorum, and began : "Tell me, Mr. Marrable, what interest does Joan get on her money ?" Hughie gaped feebly. Half an hour ago he had put Mr. Lance Gaymer to the door for an almost precisely similar question. But Lance Gaymer was a man, and Miss Harbord, conceal DEPUTATIONS 279 the fact as she might, was a woman ; and Hughie's old helplessness paralysed him once more. "The usual rate of interest," he said lamely, " is about four per cent." Ursula Harbord nodded her head, as who should say, "I expected that!" and produced a crumpled newspaper from her muff. "That," she said almost indulgently, "reveals your ignorance of the world, Mr. Marrable. If you mixed a little more in affairs, and followed some regular occupation, you would have more opportunities of discovering things for yourself, and so be spared the indignity I suppose you consider it an indignity ? of having to be ad- vised by a woman." The afflicted Hughie murmured something about it being a pleasure. " Now here," continued Miss Harbord, slapping the newspaper as an East-End butcher slaps the last beef-steak at his Saturday night auc- tion, "I have the report of the half-yearly meeting of the International Trading Company, Limited, where a dividend of seven per cent was declared, making a. dividend on the whole year of fourteen per cent. Now do you see what I what Joan wants ?" " Hughie," said Joan, who was making a tour of inspection of the room, " where did you get this lovely leopard- skin ? Have I seen it before ?" 280 THE UNJUST STEWARD "Shot it, Joey. I beg your pardon, Miss Har- bord ?" "Do you see what Joan wants you to do?" repeated that financial Amazon. "Afraid I don't, quite. I'll get on to it in a minute, though," replied the docile Hughie. "Surely, the whole thing is quite clear! You must take Joanls capital out of whatever it is in and buy shares in The International Trading Company with it. And be sure you order pre- ference shares, Mr. Marrable. They are the best sort to get. That is all ; but I ought not to have to point these things out to you." Hughie surveyed his preceptress in an un- decided fashion. Was it worth while endeavour- ing to explain to her a few of the first principles of finance, or would it be simpler to grin and bear it ? He decided on the latter alternative. "The shares," continued Miss Harbord, hav- ing evidently decided to follow up her whips with a few selected scorpions, "should be bought as cheap as possible. They go up and down, you know, like a " "Monkey on a stick ?" suggested Hughie, with the air of one anxious to help. Miss Harbord smiled indulgently. " No, no ! Like a a barometer, let us say ; and you have to watch your opportunity. There is a thing called ' par' which they go to, any- DEPUTATIONS 281 body will tell you what it is, and that is a very good time to buy them." Hughie, fighting for breath, rose and joined Joan in the window recess, while Miss Harbord, with much ostentatious crackling, folded up the newspaper and put it away. "Hughie," said Joan, under cover of the noise, "you are angry." "Not at all," replied Hughie, wiping his eyes furtively. "A bit flummoxed that's all. No idea your friend was so up in these things." "She is clever, is n't she ?" said Joan, with un- affected sincerity. "But, Hughie dear, don't bother about it if it worries you. My affairs must be a fearful nuisance to you, but Ursula was so keen that I should come " "I'm glad you did, Joey. It was worth it," said Hughie simply. "Of course," continued the unlearned Miss Gaymer, " to people like Ursula these things are as easy as falling off a log, but for you and me, who know nothing about business, they're pretty stiff to tackle, are n't they ?" " Quite so," agreed Hughie meekly. "But look here, Joey," he continued, "are you really in want of money ?" "Of course she is!" said Miss Harbord, over- hearing and resuming the offensive. "I could do with a few more frocks, Hughie," 282 THE UNJUST STEWARD said Miss Gaymer wistfully, " if it would n't be a bother to change those investments about a bit, as Ursula advises. Still, if it can't be done, we'll say no more about it." "Will another hundred a-year be any use to you?" said Hughie suddenly. "Oh, Hughie, I should think so! Can it be managed without a fearful upset?" cried Miss Gaymer, her eyes already brightening over a vista of blouse- lengths and double-widths. "Yes," said Hughie shortly. "I'll I'll make the necessary changes and see that the cash is paid into your banking account." " You dear !" said Miss Gaymer, with sincerity. "A hundred pounds? It might be more!" observed the daughter of the horse-leech on the sofa. Fourteen per cent still rankled in her Napoleonic brain. Hughie crossed to the writing-table and tore up a telegraph-form. "Capt'n Leroy!" announced Mr. Goble's voice in the doorway. That easy-going paladin entered the room, and intimated that his wife had sent him along to say that she would arrive in ten minutes. "That means twenty," said Joan. "Ursula, we have just time to run round and see that hat we thought we'd better not decide about until we had heard from Hughie about the thing we DEPUTATIONS 283 came to see him about. Now I can try it on with a clear conscience. Back directly, Hughie!" She flitted out, the prospective hundred pounds obviously burning a hole in her pocket (or wher- ever woman in the present era of fashion keeps her money), followed by Miss Harbord. Hughie turned to Leroy. "Take a cigarette, old man," he said, "and sit down with a glass of sherry while I do myself up for lunch. Been down at Putney." Leroy obeyed. When Hughie returned from his bedroom a quarter of an hour later, he found that Mrs. Leroy had arrived. She and her hus- band were engaged in a low- toned conversation, which they broke off rather abruptly on their host's entrance. Hughie shook hands, and sweeping some news- papers off the sofa, offered his latest-arrived guest a seat. "No, thanks, Hughie," said Mrs. Leroy; "I prefer to look out of the window." She walked across the room and began to gaze down into the street with her back to Hughie. Her husband, evidently struck with the suitability of this attitude, rose and joined her. "The fact is, Hughie," began Mrs. Leroy, star- ing resolutely at the house opposite, " Jack and I want to talk to you like a father and mother, and I can do it more easily if I look the other way." 284 THE UNJUST STEWARD "Same here," corroborated Leroy gruffly. Hughie started, and surveyed the guilty-looking pair of backs before him with an uneasy suspicion. Surely he was not going to be treated to a third variation on the same theme! "Go on, Jack!" was Mrs. Leroy 's next re- mark. "Can't be done, m'dear," replied the gentle- man, after an obvious effort. "Well, Hughie," continued Mrs. Leroy briskly, "as this coward has failed me, I must say it myself. I want to tell you that people are talk- ing." "Ursula Harbord, for instance," said Hughie drily. "Yes. How did you know ?" "She delivered a lecture to me this morning. Gave me to understand that she darkly suspects me of being a knave, and made no attempt to conceal her conviction that I am a fool." "Well, of course that's all nonsense," said Mrs. Leroy to a fly on the window-pane ; " but really, Hughie, with all the money that her Uncle Jimmy left her, you ought to be able to give Joey more than you do, should n't you ? The child has to live in quite a small way not really poor, you know, but hardly as an heiress ought to live. You give her surprisingly small interest on her money, Jack says did n't you, Jack ?" DEPUTATIONS 285 Captain Leroy made no reply, but the deep shade of carmine on the back of his neck said "Sneak!" as plainly as possible. "And you know he would be the last to say anything against you would n't you, Jack ?" "Rather!" said Leroy, in a voice of thunder. "Hughie," said Mrs. Leroy, turning impul- sively, "won't you confide in me?" Hughie kicked a coal in the grate in his usual fashion, and sighed. "I can't, really" he said. " Fact is, old man," broke in Leroy, in response to his wife's appealing glances, "we did n't want to say anything at all, but the missis thought it best considerin' the way people are talkin', and all that. Can 7 be of any use ? Been specu- latin', or anything?" "No, Jack, I haven't," said Hughie shortly. Mrs. Leroy gave a helpless look at her husband, and said desperately: " But, Hughie, we can't leave things like this ! You simply don't know what stories are going about. It is ruining your chances with Joey, too. She thinks you are a noodle." "I know it," said Hughie. "Well, look here," said Leroy, "can't you give us some sort of explanation some yarn we could put about the place to account for this state of things " 286 THE UNJUST STEWARD " What state of things ?" said Hughie doggedly. He was in an unpleasant temper. "Well, Hughie," said Mrs. Leroy, keeping hers, "here is Joan, known to have been left a lot of money for her immediate use, she admits it herself, living quite humbly and cheaply, and obviously not well off. People are asking why. There are two explanations given. One, the more popular, is that you have embezzled or speculated the money all away. The other, which prevails among the elite ' "The people who are really in the know, you know," explained Leroy. "Yes: they say," continued his wife, "that Joan won't marry you, so you have retaliated by by " "By cutting off supplies," suggested Hughie. "Yes, until - "Until she is starved into submission eh?" "That's about the size of it, old son," said Leroy. There was a long pause. Finally Hughie said : "Well, it's a pretty story; but, honestly, I'm not in a position to contradict it at present." Mrs. Leroy desisted from plaiting the window- cord, swung round, walked deliberately to the fireplace, and laid a hand on Hughie's arm. "Hughie," she said, in tones which her hus- DEPUTATIONS 87 band subsequently affirmed would have drawn ducks off a pond, "what have you done? Tell us!" Leroy followed his wife across the room. " Get it off your chest, old man," he said, with the air of a father confessor. Hughie smiled gratefully. He took Mrs. Le- roy's two hands into one of his own, and laid the other on Jack Leroy's shoulder. "Jack and Milly," he said earnestly, "my two pals ! I would rather tell you than anybody else ; but I simply can't ! It's not my secret! You'll probably find out all about it some day. At pre- sent I must ask you to accept my assurance that I'm not so black as I'm painted." "Hughie," said Mrs. Leroy, "you are simply stupid ! We have not come to you out of idle curiosity " "I know that," said Hughie heartily. "And I think you might give us some sort of an inkling a sort of favourable bulletin that I could pass on to Joey, at any rate " "Joey!" said Hughie involuntarily; "Lord forbid!" Mrs. Leroy, startled by the vehemence of his tone, paused; and her husband added de- jectedly, "All right, old man! Let's drop it! Sorry you could n't see your way to confide in us. Would n't 288 THE UNJUST STEWARD have gone any further. Rather sick about the whole business eh ? No wonder ! Money is the devil, anyway." Somehow Leroy's words hit Hughie harder than anything that had been said yet. He wa- vered. After all, "We've bought the hat, and I'm perfectly ravenous," announced Joan, appearing in the doorway. "And we've brought Mr. D'Arcy. Hughie, are those plover's eggs? Ooh!" This was no atmosphere for the breathing of confidential secrets. The party resumed its usual demeanour of off-hand British insouciance, and began to gather round the luncheon-table. Only Mr. D'Arcy's right eyebrow asked a question of Mrs. Leroy, which was answered by a slight but regretful shrug of the shoulders. Hughie's apartment was L-shaped, and the feast was spread in the smaller arm, out of the way of draughts and doorways. Consequently any one entering the room would fail to see the luncheon table unless he turned to his left and walked round a corner. Hughie was helping the plover's eggs, it is to be feared that Miss Gaymer received a Benja- min's portion of the same, when Mr. Goble suddenly appeared at his elbow and whispered in his ear, - "Him again!" DEPUTATIONS 289 Muttering an apology, Hughie left the table and walked round the corner to the other arm of the room. Lance Gaymer had just entered. His face was flushed and his eyes glittered, and Hughie' s half -uttered invitation to him to come in and have some lunch died away upon his lips. "Hallo, Lance!" he said lamely. Mr. Gaymer replied, in the deliberate and por- tentously solemn tones of a man who is three parts drunk, "I understand you have got a party on here." "Yes," said Hughie, endeavouring to edge his visitor through the doorway. "What I want to say," continued Mr. Gaymer in rising tones, " is that I accuse you of embez- zling my sister's property, and I'm going to make things damned hot for you. Yes you ! Go and tell that to your luncheon-party round the cor- ner!" he concluded with a snort. "And ghig glug-glug!" By this time he had been judiciously backed into the passage, almost out of ear-shot of those in the room. Simultaneously Mr. Goble's large hand closed upon his mouth from behind, and having thus acquired a good purchase, turned its owner deftly round and conducted him down- stairs. Death-like silence reigned at the luncheon- table. Hughie wondered how much they had 290 THE UNJUST STEWARD heard. Not that it mattered greatly, for Master Lance's accusations, making allowances for alco- holic directness, partook very largely of the nature of those already levelled at Hughie by more con- ventional deputations, rui Before returning to his seat, Hughie crossed to the window and looked down into the street. Mr. Lance Gaymer was being assisted into a waiting hansom by the kindly hands of Mr. Guy Haliburton. Hughie, having seen all he expected to see, returned with faltering steps to his duties as a host. It was a delicate moment, calling for the exer- cise of much tact. Even Mildred Leroy hesitated. Joan had flushed red, whether with shame, or anger, or sympathy, it was hard to say. Mr. D'Arcy regarded her curiously. But heavy-footed husbands sometimes rush in, with success, where the most wary and diplomatic wives fear to tread. Jack Leroy cleared his throat. "Now, Hughie, my son," he observed, "when you've quite done interviewin' all your pals on the door-mat, perhaps you'll give your guests a chance. With so many old friends collected round your table like this, we want to drink your health, young-fellow-my-lad ! Fill up your glass, Miss Harbord! No heel-taps, Milly!" DEPUTATIONS 291 There was an irrelevant bonhomie about this whole speech which struck exactly the right note. Mrs. Leroy glanced gratefully at her husband, and lifted her glass. The others did the same. But it was Joan who spoke first. "Hughie!" she cried, with glowing eyes. "Hughie!" cried every one. "Good health!" In the times of our prosperity our friends are always critical, frequently unjust, generally a nuisance, and sometimes utterly detestable. But there is no blinking the fact that they are a very present help in trouble. Hughie suddenly felt himself unable to speak. He bowed his head dumbly, and made a furious onslaught upon a plover's egg. CHAPTER XVI IN WHICH CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG, AND JOAN MISSES HER CUE HUGHIE spent the next few months chiefly in wondering. He wondered what Mr. Haliburton's game might be. What was he doing behind Lance Gaymer ? That the latter might consider himself justified in poking his nose into his only sister's affairs was understandable enough but why drag in Haliburton ? Was that picturesque ruf- fian a genuine friend of Lance's, enlisted in a brotherly endeavour to readjust Jimmy Mar- rable's exceedingly unsymmetrical disposition of his property, or was he merely a member of that far-reaching and conspicuously able fra- ternity (known in sporting circles as "The Nuts"), to whom all mankind is fair game, and whose one article of faith is a trite proverb on the subject of a fool and his money, pursuing his ordinary avocation of "making a bit" ? In other words, was Lance Gaymer pulling Haliburton, or was Haliburton pushing Lance Gaymer ? Hughie also wondered about a good many other things, notably (a) Joan. CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 293 (b) More Joan; coupled with dim specula- tions as to how it was all going to end. (c) More Joan still; together with a growing desire to go off again to the ends of the earth and lose himself. But for the present life followed an uneventful course. Since Lance's display of fireworks at Hughie's luncheon-party, Hughie's friends had studiously avoided the mention of the word money in their late host's presence; and Master Lance himself, evidently realizing that, however excel- lent his intentions or pure his motives, he had made an unmitigated ass of himself, avoided Hughie's society entirely. Of Joan Hughie saw little until the beginning of October, when he arrived at Manors to shoot pheasants. He was greeted, almost with tears of affection, by John Alexander Goble, who had been re- tained by Jack Leroy as butler when Hughie re- linquished his services; and found the house packed with young men and maidens, the bil- liard-room strewn with many-hued garments, and the atmosphere charged with the electricity of some great enterprise in the making. "Theatricals!" explained Mrs. Leroy re- signedly, as she handed him his tea. "Tab- leaux, rather. At least, it is a sort of variety en- tertainment," she concluded desperately, "in the 294 THE UNJUST STEWARD Parish Hall. In aid of some charity or other, but that does n't matter." "Joey's latest, I suppose? " " Yes : the child is wild about it. What, sweet one ? " (This to the infant Hildegard, in an atti- tude of supplication at her side.) " Cake ? cer- tainly not ! You are going out to tea at the Rec- tory in half an hour. Do you remember what happened the last time you had two teas ? " Stodger reflected, and remembered; but pleaded, in extenuation, "But I did it all at the Rectory, mummy." "She was sick," explained her sister, turning politely to Hughie. "Twice!" corroborated Stodger, not without pride. "Yes; in a decent basin provided by the par- ish," continued Duckies hazily. She had recently begun to attend church, and her reading during the sermon had opened to her a new and fertile field for quotation. "Tell me more about the tableaux, Jack," said Hughie hastily, as Mrs. Leroy accelerated her ritualistic progeny's departure upstairs. "They 're spendin' lashings of money on them. Won't make a farthing profit, I don't suppose; but the show should be all right. They 're get- ting a 'pro.' down to stage-manage 'em." "My word, they are going it! Hallo, Joey!" CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 295 Miss Gaymer's entrance brought theatrical conversation up to fever heat ; and for the rest of the meal, and indeed for the next few days, Hughie lived and breathed in a world composed of rickety scenery, refractory pulleys, and hot size, inhabited by people who were always talk- ing, usually cross, and most intermittent in their feeding-times. One afternoon Joan took him down to the Hall, ostensibly as a companion, in reality to shift some large flats of scenery, too wide for feminine arms to span. Captain Leroy had already offered himself in that capacity, but his services had been brutally declined, on the ground that the scenery was not concave. "The programmes are being printed to-day. We are going to have the tableaux in the first half," Joan rattled on, as they walked through the plantations. "Well-known pictures, you know. Some of them are perfectly lovely. I am in three," she added, rather naively. Hughie asked for details. "Well, the first one is to be The Mirror of Venus a lot of girls looking into a pool." "Are you in that ? " "Not much! That is for all the riff-raff who have crowded in without being invited the Mellishes, and the Crumfords, and the Joblings. 296 THE UNJUST STEWARD (You know the lot !) There 's another tableau for their men : such horrors, my dear ! But that disposes of them for Part One: they don't have to appear again until the waxworks. Then there 's a perfectly sweet one The Gambler's Wife." "Who is she to be?" "Sylvia Tarrant. She sits under a tree in an old garden, looking sad," gabbled Joan without pausing, " while her husband gambles with some other men on the lawn behind. You'll cry! I come after that Two Strings to her Bow. A girl walking arm-in-arm with two men. She looks quite pleased with herself : the men have both got camelious hump." "Who are they?" " It 's not quite settled yet. I told them they could fight it out among themselves. I expect it will be Binks and Cherub, though. But they must decide soon, because time is getting on, and Mr. Haliburton says " "Who?" "Mr. Haliburton." "Haliburton?" said Hughie, stopping short. "Yes. Didn't you know? He is stage-man- aging us. He came down this morning." "Is he staying in the house?" was Hughie's next question. "No: we could n't get him in. He 's putting up at The Bull, in the village," said Joan. " I wish CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 297 we could have found room for him," she added, with intention. She knew that most men neither loved Mr. Haliburton nor approved of their girl friends becoming intimate with him; and this alone was quite sufficient to predispose her in that misjudged hero's favour. In her heart of hearts Miss Gaymer was just a little eprise with Mr. Haliburton, and, as be- comes one who is above such things, just a lit- tle ashamed of the fact. She had found some- thing rather compelling in his dark eyes and silky ways, but, being anything but a susceptible young person, rather resented her own weakness. Still, the fact remained. She had seen a good deal of Mr. Haliburton in London how, she could hardly explain, though possibly Mr. Haliburton could have done so and had listened, not al- together unmoved, to tales of a patrimony re- nounced for Art's sake, of an ancestral home barred by a hot-headed but lovable "old pater" ; and to various reflections, half-humorous, half- pathetic, on the subject of what might have been if this world were only a juster place. Joan, who did not know that Mr. Haliburton's ancestral home had been situated over a tobac- conist's shop somewhere between the back of Oxford Street and Soho Square, and that his " old pater" had but lately retired from the post of head waiter at a theatrical restaurant in Maiden 298 THE UNJUST STEWARD Lane, in order to devote his undivided attention to the more perfect colouring of an already carne- lian proboscis, felt distinctly sorry for her ro- mantic friend. When a young girl begins to feel sorry for a man, the position is full of possibili- ties; and when heavy-handed and purblind au- thority steps in and forbids the banns, so to speak, the possibilities become probabilities, and, in extreme cases, certainties. Joan glanced obliquely at Hughie. That im- passive young man was advancing with measured strides, frowning ferociously. She continued, not altogether displeased : "The next tableau is Flora Macdonald's Fare- well very Scotch. A man in a kilt stands in the centre " She babbled on, but Hughie's attention wan- dered. Haliburton again! He did not like the idea. Consequently it was not altogether surprising if, when Joan paused to enquire whether he re- garded Queen Elizabeth or a suffragette as the most suitable vehicle for one of Mrs. Jarley's most cherished "wheezes," Hughie should have replied : " Joan, how did that chap come here ? Was he engaged by you, or did he offer himself ?" "He offered himself very kindly!" said Joan stiffly. CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 299 "I suppose he is being paid?" " Yes, of course a guinea or two. It 's his profession," said Joan impatiently. "Do you object?" The occasion called for considerable tact, and poor heavy-handed Hughie sighed in anticipa- tion. Joan heard him. "What is the trouble?" she asked, more amused than angry. " Out with it, old Conscien- tiousness?" "Joey," said Hughie, "I don't like the idea of your taking up with that chap." On the whole, it could not have been put worse. " It seems to me," said Miss Gaymer scornfully, "that it 's not women who are spiteful, but men. I wonder why every male I know is so down on poor Mr. Haliburton. Silly children like Binks and Cherub I can understand, but you, Hughie you ought to be above that sort of thing. What 's the matter with the man, that you all abuse him so? Tell me!" Hughie's reply to this tirade was lame and unconvincing. The modern maiden is so amaz- ingly worldly-wise on various matters on the sub- ject of which she can have had no other infor- mant than her own intuitions, that she is apt to scout the suggestion that there are certain phases of life of which happily she as yet knows nothing ; 300 THE UNJUST STEWARD and any attempt to hint the same to her is scorn- fully greeted as a piece of masculine superiority. Consequently Joey thought she knew all about Mr. Haliburton; wherein she was manifestly wrong, but not altogether to be blamed ; for when your knowledge of human nature, so far as it goes, is well-nigh perfect, it is difficult for you to believe that it does not go all the way. It was a most unsatisfactory conversation. All Hughie did was to reiterate his opinion of Mr. Haliburton without being able (or willing) to furnish any fresh facts in support of it; and the only apparent result was to prejudice Joan rather more violently in Haliburton's favour than be- fore, and to make Hughie feel like a backbiter and a busybody. It was a relief when Joan abruptly changed the conversation, and said : "Hughie, have you seen anything of Lance lately?" No, Hughie had not. "Why?" "I 'm bothered about him," said Joan, de- scending from her high horse and slipping into what may be called her confidential mood. " He used to write to me pretty regularly, even after he married that freak, and we were always fond of one another, even though we quarrelled some- times. But he seems to have dropped out of things altogether lately. Do you know what he is doing?" CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 301 "Can't say, I 'm sure," said Hughie. "Could you find out for me?" "Of course I will," said Hughie, quite forget- ting the present awkwardness of his relations with Lance in the light of the joyous fact that Lance's sister had just asked him to do her a ser- vice. "I'll go and look him up. He may be ill, or short of cash. But can't you get news of him from from " He stopped suddenly. He had been about to ask a question which had just struck him as rather ungenerous. "You mean from Mr. Haliburton ?" said Joan, with her usual directness. "I did ask him, but he says he has seen nothing of Lance for quite a long time ; so I 'm afraid I must bother you, Hughie. I don't like to, because I know you won't want to go out of your way on his account, after - "Never mind that!" said Hughie hastily. "I '11 go and look him up." Joan turned to him gratefully. "You 're a good sort, Hughie," she said. "I don't know what I should do without you." Hughie glowed foolishly. Her words did not mean anything, of course; still, they warmed him for the time being. He never thought of making capital out of Joan's impulsive outbursts of affection. He regarded them as a sort of con- 302 THE UNJUST STEWARD solation prize nothing more. He had never attempted to make love to her since his first re- buff. The memory of that undignified squabble still made him tingle, and in any case it would never have occurred to him to renew the attack. Man-like, he had taken for granted the rather large proposition that a woman invariably means what she says. To pester Joan with further at- tentions, especially in his exceptional position, savoured to him of meanness. For all that, the girl and he seemed of late to have adjusted their relations with one another. Joan never played with him now, encouraging him one moment and flouting him the next, as in the case of most of her faithful band. Her attitude was that of a good comrade. She was content to sit silent in his company, which is a sound test of friendship ; she brought to him her little troubles, and occasionally ministered to his ; and in every way she showed him that she liked and trusted him. A vainer or cleverer man would have taken heart of grace at these signs. Hughie did not. He was Joan's guardian, and as such entitled to her confidence ; also her very good friend, and as such entitled to her affection. That was all. It was rotten luck, of course, that she was not suffi- ciently fond of him to marry him, but then rotten luck is a thing one must be prepared for in this world. He would get accustomed to the situa- CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 303 tion in time: meanwhile there must be no more castles in the air. "I'll tell you what," he continued presently. " I shall be in town on Wednesday. I '11 go and look Lance up then." " But, Hughie," cried Joan in dismay, " Wednes- day is the day of the entertainment. You must come to that. What is your engagement, if it 's not indiscreet to inquire?" "Dentist," said Hughie lugubriously. "Dentist?" Joan laughed, or rather crowed, in her characteristically childlike way. " Hughie at the dentist's! It seems so funny," she ex- plained apologetically. "It will be the reverse of funny," said Hughie severely, "when he gets hold of me. Do you know how long it is since I sat in a dentist's chair? Eight years, no less!" "You'll catch it!" said Miss Gaymer confi- dently. "But you simply must not go on that day. I want you at the show. Can't you change the date?" "The assassin gave me to understand," said Hughie, " that it was a most extraordinary piece of luck for me that he should be able to take me at all; and he rather suggested that if I broke the appointment I need not expect another on this side of the grave. Besides, next Wednesday is about our one off-day from shooting. I also " 304 THE UNJUST STEWARD Miss Gaymer fixed a cold and accusing eye on him. " Confess, miserable shuffler ! " she said. " You arranged that date with the dentist on purpose, so as to escape the theatricals." "Guilty, my lord!" replied the criminal re- signedly. "Well, you are let off with a caution," said Joan graciously, " but you '11 have to come, all the same. You will, won't you, Hughie?" " Will my presence make so much difference ?" said Hughie, rather boldly for him. He was in- viting a heavy snub, and he knew it. Joan raised her eyes to his for a moment. " Yes," she said, rather unexpectedly, " it will." "Then I '11 come," said Hughie, with vigour. "I go to the dentist at ten. I '11 get that over, ask Lance to lunch, and come down by the after- noon train. What time does the show begin ?" "Eight." "The train gets in at seven-fifty. I'll come straight to the Parish Hall " "You '11 get no dinner," said Joan in warning tones. "Never mind!" said Hughie heroically. "There's to be a supper afterwards, is n't there ?" "Yes." " I '11 last out, then. By the way, does it matter if I 'm not in evening kit ?" CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 305 "Not a bit, if you don't mind yourself. Of course the front rows will be full of people with their glad rags on," said Joan. "But if you feel shy, come round behind the scenes. Then you '11 be able to keep an eye on me and Mr. Hali- burton!" she added, with a provocative little glance. Hughie duly departed to town, promising faith- fully to come back for the theatricals, and won- dering vaguely why Joan had insisted so strongly on his doing so. Joan felt rather inclined to wonder herself. She was a little perplexed by her own impulses at present. But her mind was oc- cupied by some dim instinct of self-preservation, and she felt somehow distinctly happier when Hughie promised to come. However, there was little time for introspec- tion. Rehearsals " with the accent on the hearse," as Mr. Binks remarked during one pro- tracted specimen were dragging their slow length along to a conclusion ; tickets were selling like hot cakes ; and presently the great day came. Amateur theatricals are a weariness to the flesh, but viewed in the right spirit they are by no means destitute of entertainment. The drama's laws, as interpreted by the amateur, differ materially from those observed by the pro- fessional branch the members of which, it 306 THE UNJUST STEWARD must be remembered, have to please to live in several important particulars; and with these the intending playgoer should at once make himself conversant. Here is a precis: (1) Remember that the performance has been got up entirely for the benefit of the performers, and that you and the rest of the audience have merely been brought in to make the thing worth while. (2) Abandon all hope of punctuality at the start or reasonability in the length of the inter- vals. Amateur scene-shifters and musicians do not relish having their "turns" curtailed any more than the more conspicuous members of the cast. (3) Bear in mind the fact that the play is not the thing, but the players. The most thrilling Third Act is as dross compared with the excite- ment and suspense of watching to see whether Johnny Blank will really kiss Connie Dash in the proposal scene, or whether the fact (known to at least two- thirds of the audience) that they have not been on speaking terms for the past six months will result in the usual amateur ne plus ultra a sort of frustrated peck, falling short by about six inches. Again, the joy of hearing the hero falter in a stirring apostrophe to the gallery is enhanced by the knowledge that he is reading CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 307 it from inside the crown of his hat, and has lost the place : while the realistic and convincing air of deference with which the butler addresses the duchess is the more readily recognized and appre- ciated by an audience who are well aware that he happens in private life to be that lady's husband. The entertainment to which we must now draw the reader's unwilling attention was to con- sist of three parts. First, the Tableaux Vivants thirty seconds of tableaux to about ten min- utes of outer darkness and orchestral selection; then a comedietta; and finally, Mrs. Jarley's Waxworks. The largest room behind the scenes had been reserved for the lady artistes; a draughty passage, furnished chiefly with flaring candles and soda- water syphons, being apportioned to the gentle- men. The loge des dames was a bare and cheer- less apartment, but tables and mirrors had been placed round the walls ; and here some fifteen or twenty maidens manoeuvred with freezing polite- ness or unrestrained elbowings (according to their shade of social standing) for positions favourable to self-contemplation. Joan and Sylvia Tarrant foregathered in the middle of the floor. "I think we'd better dress here, dear," said Joan cheerfully, "and leave the nobility and gen- try to fight for the dressing-tables. After all," 308 THE UNJUST STEWARD she added complacently, "you and I need the least doing up of any of them." The tableaux on the whole were a success, though it was some time before the audience were permitted to inspect them. The musical director, a nervous individual with a penchant for applied science, had spent the greatest part of two days in fixing up an electric bell of heroic proportions controlled from the conductor's desk, and ring- ing into the ear of the gentleman in charge of the lighting arrangements. A carefully type-written document (another by-product of the musician's versatility) apprised this overwrought official that one ring signified "stage-lights up," and two rings " stage- lights down." Just before the curtain rose for the first tableau the conductor pressed his button once. After an interval of about two seconds, since the stage- lights showed no inclination to go up, as a matter of fact the controller of illuminants was tenderly nursing a hopelessly perforated ear- drum, the agitated musician, convinced that the bell had not rung, rang it again. Conse- quently, just as the curtain rose, every single lamp on the stage, from the footlights to the over- head battens, was hastily extinguished. Con- fusion reigned supreme. The conductor pressed his button frantically and continuously ; the elec- trician lost his head completely, and began to CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 309 turn off switches which controlled the lights in the dressing-rooms and the hall itself; while the faithful orchestra, suddenly bereft of both light and leadership, endeavoured with heroic but misguided enthusiasm to keep the flag flying by strident improvisations of the most varied and individual character. The audience, who had come prepared for anything, sat unmoved ; but dolorous cries were heard from the dressing-rooms and vestibule. Above all rose the voice of the conductor, calling aloud for the blood of the electrician and refusing to be comforted. The first tableau vivant partook of the nature of an " extra turn," and was not fore- shadowed in the programme. It took place in the middle of the stage, and depicted two overheated gentlemen (one carrying a baton and the other en deshabille) explaining (fortissimo} the pur- port of a type-written document to a third (who caressed his right ear all the time) by the light of a single wax vesta. After this gratuitous contribution to the gaiety of the proceedings the official programme came into force, and various attractive and romantic visions were unfolded to the audience. Certainly the tableaux were well mounted. The success of A Gambler's Wife and Two Strings to her Bow was beyond question. Haliburton, too, made a striking appearance in Orchardson's Hard Hit 310 THE UNJUST STEWARD the famous gambling picture with the countless packs of cards strewn upon the floor wherein the broken gamester turns with his hand on the door-handle to take a last look at the three men who have mastered him. There were minor blemishes, of course. The composure of the beauteous band who were dis- covered when the conductor had been hounded back to his stool and the bemused electrician re- placed by a man of more enduring fibre con- templating their own charms in The Mirror of Venus was utterly wrecked yea, transformed into helpless giggles by a totally unexpected ejaculation of "Good old Gertie!" proceeding from a young man in the front row evidently a brother chiefly remarkable for a made-up tie and a red silk handkerchief, and directed ap- parently (if one may judge by consequences) at a massively- built young woman kneeling third from the end on the prompt side. During another tab- leau, as Prince Charles stood rigid in the embrace of Flora Macdonald, the audience sat spellbound for thirty breathless seconds, what time the un- happy prince's tartan stockings slipped inch by inch from the neighbourhood of his knees, past the boundary line where artificial brown left off and natural white began, right down to his ankles a contretemps which, as Mr. D'Arcy remarked to Mrs. Leroy, added a touch of animation to CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 311 what would otherwise have been a somewhat lifeless representation. The comedietta was not an unqualified success. It was one of those characteristic products of what may be called the Back-Drawing-Room School, in which complications begin shortly after the rise of the curtain with the delivery and perusal of a certain letter, and are automatically ad- justed at the end of about thirty-five minutes by the introduction of another, which explains every- thing, settles differences, precipitates engage- ments, and brings the curtain down upon all the characters standing in a row in carefully assorted couples. This somewhat trite and conventional plot was agreeably varied by the vagaries of the talented gentleman who played the footman responsible for the delivery of the letters. He brought on the second letter first, with the result that the heroine found herself exclaiming: "How foolish I have been ! Gerald had been true to me through all ! I must go to him at once! We can be married to-morrow!" after the drama had been in pro- gress some three minutes, a catastrophe only tided over by some perfectly Napoleonic "gag- ging" by the comic man and an entirely unre- hearsed entrance (with obvious assistance from the rear) of the footman, with the right letter. Fortunately these divergences from the drama's 312 THE UNJUST STEWARD normal course were lost upon the majority of the audience ; for the actors, whether from nervous- ness or frank boredom, were inaudible beyond the first three rows of seats. Even here the feat of following the drift of the dialogue was ren- dered almost impossible by the persistent and frantic applause of two obvious "deadheads" in the front row, poor relations of the gentle- man who played the footman, who, since they occupied free seats, evidently considered it their bounden duty to applaud every entrance and exit of their munificent relative, even when he came on with the wrong letter or was elbowed off to fetch the right one. The only member of the company who performed his duties with any- thing like thoroughness was the prompter, a re- tired major with lungs of brass. He had evidently decided, with the true instinct of a strong man, that if you want a thing well done you must do it yourself. Consequently his voice re-echoed through the hall in an unceasing monologue which, while it lacked the variety inseparable from the deliverances of a whole company, did much to keep the occupants of the back benches au fait with the intricacies of the plot. The best laugh of the evening, however, was aroused by the temerity of one of the actors, who suddenly interrupted the prompter to remark mildly but distinctly: "All right, old man, I know this bit!'* CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 313 Then came Mrs. Jarley's Waxworks. The curtain rose upon the usual group of historical and topical characters, seated round the stage in a semicircle, most of them twitching with incipient hysteria, and all resolutely avoiding the eye of the audience. Presently Mrs. Jarley (B inks), accom- panied by Master Jarley (Cherub, in a sailor suit and white socks), made her appearance, and plunged into a slightly laboured monologue, what time her offspring walked round the stage, and, by dint of dusting, oiling, and other opera- tions, stimulated any of the figures which could possibly have been mistaken for waxworks into a fitting display of life and activity. One "Mrs. Jarley" is very like another, and the audience, who were beginning to suffer from a slight attack of theatrical indigestion, were a little slow in responding to Binks's hoary "wheezes" and unfathomable topical allusions. It was not until a bench at the back of the stage, occupied by Oliver Cromwell, General Booth, Dorando, and a Suffragette, suddenly toppled over backwards, and discharged its tenants, with four alarming thuds, into the chasm which yawned between the back of the staging and the wall, that the entertainment could be said to have received a proper fillip. After the first sensation of surprise and resentment at finding themselves reposing upon the backs of their necks in the 314 THE UNJUST STEWARD dust, the four gentlemen affected (who, it is to be feared, had been priming themselves for this, their first appearance on any stage, in the cus- tomary manner) accepted the situation with heroic resignation. Remembering that they were wax- works, and for that if for no other reason incap- able of getting up, they continued in their present posture, invisible to the naked eye except for their legs, which stuck straight up into the air. The flagging audience, imagining that the entire disaster was part of the performance, applauded uproariously, and Mrs. Jarley seized the oppor- tunity to deliver a pithy extempore lecture upon character as read from the soles of the feet. The performance concluded with a song and chorus, specially composed for the occasion, and sung by Mrs. Jarley and her exhibits in spas- modic antistrophe. Mrs. Jarley began, "Some ladies have one figure one, home grown! But I have quite a lot, like Madam Tussaud. And whatever sort of one you'd like to own, Just order me to make it, and I'll do so. I can make you waxen figures that can walk, Or wave their arms, or turn and look behind 'em " Here, in attempting to suit the action to the word, the singer tripped heavily over her own train, and was only saved from complete bouleversement by the miraculously animated and suddenly out- stretched arm of Henry the Eighth, who was sit- CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 315 sing close behind. Binks continued, quite un- disturbed, "And some of them (the female ones!) can talk, And it's wonderful how useful people find them. " So send for Mrs. Jarley on the spot! And she'll reproduce each feature that you've got. It will save a deal of trouble If you have a waxen double, Which will do your work when you would rather not! " "Now then, waxworks! All together! Give them a lead, Sousa!" Mr. Sousa (second from the end, o. p. side) obediently began to agitate his baton, partially scalping Sunny Jim in the process, and the wax- works sang out, fortissimo, with a distinct but unevenly distributed accelerando toward the end, - "Then send for Mrs. Jarley on the spot! And she'll reproduce each feature that you've got. All your business she will see to, Black your boots, and make your tea, too, If you'll only put a penny in the slot!" The tune was good, and the chorus went with a swing. But now a difficulty arose. The second verse should have been sung by one of the late occupants of the back bench Dorando, to be precise; and Mrs. Jarley, realizing the circum- stance, was on the point of beginning it herself, 316 THE UNJUST STEWARD when a muffled voice, proceeding apparently from the infernal regions, struck into the opening lines. Dorando, faint yet pursuing, was evidently deter- mined to fulfil his contract, even if he had to do it on his head. For various reasons (chiefly dust and incipient apoplexy), his articulation was not all that could be desired, and the verse, which told of the ingenious device of one Tommy Sparkes, who, faced by the prospect of corporal punish- ment, "Sent for Mrs. Jarley on the spot, And explained that he was going to get it hot" whereupon that resourceful lady "Made a figure, small and ruddy, To be Tommy's understudy; And the figure got what Tommy should have got!" was lost upon the audience. But every one took up the chorus with a will, and the third verse entered upon its career under the happiest auspices. On this occasion the lines were distributed among the figures themselves. " Now Mrs. Bumble-Doodle gave a ball " began Queen Elizabeth; "But twenty-seven men all wired to say" continued Peter Pan ; CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 317 "That they very much regretted, after all" carolled Sunny Jim; "To find they simply could n't get away!" bellowed a voice (Oliver Cromwell's) from under the platform. "Said Mrs. Bumble-Doodle, in despair" resumed Master Jarley, after a yell of laughter had subsided; "The ball will be a failure not a doubt of it!" announced a Pierrette, with finality. "The girls won't find a single partner there" wailed a waxwork in a kilt (possibly Rob Roy or Harry Lauder) There was a break. The piano paused expect- antly, and all the waxworks turned their heads (most unprofessionally) to see what had happened to Cherry Ripe, whose turn it was to sing the next verse. Apparently that lady had permitted her attention to wander, for she was scrutinising the audience, to the neglect of her cue. The sudden silence or possibly the attentions of Master Jarley, who bustled up and assiduously oiled her mouth and ears seemed to recall her errant wits. "Sorry!" she remarked calmly, and sang in a clear voice, "Oh, what a mess! How are we to get out of it?" 318 THE UNJUST STEWARD "She sent for Mrs. Jarley on the spot!" declaimed that lady triumphantly, "And the girls were quite content with what they got. True, a dummy cannot flirt; But he does not tear your skirt, Or say that he can dance when he can not!" "Now, then, all together!" Mrs. Jarley, waxworks, and audience swung into the final chorus. Even the four inverted Casabiancas at the back assisted by swinging their legs. "She sent for Mrs. Jarley on the spot! And the girls were quite content with what they got. They were spared that youth entrancing, Who says: 'I don't much care for dancing, But I don't mind sitting out with you eh, what ? ' " But Cherry Ripe was not singing. She was say- ing to herself, " Not in the hall, and not behind the scenes ! I wonder where he can have got to ! He may have missed his train, of course; but then he could have wired, hours ago. Well, Hughie, mon ami, if that's the way you treat invitations But the curtain had fallen, and all the wax- works were scuffling off their high chairs and trooping to the dressing-rooms. Cherry Ripe, following their example, put an arm round Pier- rette, and said : CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 319 "Come along, Sylvia! Home, supper, and a dance! yhat's the programme now." On reaching Manors, Joan enquired of Mr. Goble, - "Is Mr. Hughie back, John ?" "'Deed, no, mem." "Any telegram, or anything?" asked Joan carelessly. "Naething whatever! He'll no be back till the morn, I doot," said Mr. Goble. Two hours later, when supper was over and the dancing at its height, Mr. Haliburton ap- proached Joan. "Our dance, I think, Cherry Ripe?" he said. Cherry Ripe concurred. "Will you come and sit in the conservatory?" continued Haliburton. " I want to say something particular to you." Joan regarded him covertly for a moment. "All right!" she said. CHAPTER XVII IN WHICH CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME, AND HUGHIE MISSES HIS TRAIN THE dentist laid aside his excavating pick with a regretful sigh, and began to fit what looked like a miniature circular saw into the end of the elec- tric drill. Hughie, recumbent in the chair, telling himself resolutely that, appearances to the contrary, the man was doing this because it was really neces- sary, and not from mere voluptuousness, cau- tiously inserted his tongue into the hole, and cal- culated that the final clearance would be a three minutes' job at the shortest. "It seems hard to believe," said the dentist morosely, setting the machinery of the drill in mo- tion with his foot, " that your teeth have not been attended to for eight years. A little wider, please ! " Hughie realised that he was being called a liar as unmistakably as a man can be ; but at this mo- ment the drill came into full operation, and he merely gripped the arms of the chair. "A man," continued the dentist, removing the drill and suddenly syringing the cavity with ice- cold water, "empty, please! should make CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 321 a point of having his teeth inspected once every six months; a woman, once every three." "A man," replied Hughie (who believed that the operations with the drill were completed), " must have his teeth inspected when he can. That is," he added rapidly, the dentist was deliber- ately fitting a fresh tool into the drill, "I have been abroad for the last eight or nine years." "Away from civilisation, perhaps," said the dentist compassionately, getting good leverage for his operating hand by using Hughie's lower jaw as a fulcrum. "Quite!" gurgled Hughie, whose head at the moment was clasped tight to his inquisitor's waist- coat buttons. "In that case," said the dentist in distinctly mollified tones, " we must not be too hard on you. Tongue down, please!" He completed his excavating and inundating operations, and, regretfully pushing away the arm of the drilling-machine, began to line his vic- tim's mouth with some material which tasted like decomposing sponge-bags. " Your teeth have preserved their soundness in quite an unaccountable way," he continued, with the air of a just man conscientiously endeav- ouring to minimise a grievance. "There is one other small hole here," he ran a pointed instru- ment well into it to prove his statement, " but 322 THE UNJUST STEWARD beyond that there is nothing further to find fault with." He began to pound up a mysterious mixture in a small mortar, and ran on : "You must have been very careful in your diet." "No sweets," said Hughie laconically. "And I used very often to eat my meat right off the bone. That keeps teeth white, does n't it?" The dentist put down the mortar with some deliberation, and glared. Anything in the shape of levity emanating from occupants of the rack jars upon a Chief Tormentor's sense of what is professionally proper. But Hughie was lying back in the chair with his mouth open and eyes shut, exhibiting no sign of humorous intention. Still, this must not occur again. The dentist looked round for a gag. He produced from somewhere a long snaky india-rubber arrangement, termin- ating in a hooked nozzle. This he hung over Hughie's lower cpxos oSoj/rwi/, effectually stifling his utterance and reducing his share in the con- versation to a sort of Morse Code of single gurgles and long-drawn sizzles suggestive of the emptying of a bath. Then, taking up his mortar, he proceeded, with the air of one who is using a giant's strength mag- nanimously, "You have visited the Antipodes, perhaps?" CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 323 " Gug-gug-guggle ! " proceeded from the in- dia-rubber-lined orifice before him. "Ah! that must have^ been very interesting," continued the dentist. "Had you many oppor- tunities of discussing the question of Colonial Pre- ference with the leading men out there ?" "Glug!" came the reply. " That was unfortunate. But perhaps you were able to form some idea of the general Australian attitude towards the question ?" "G-r-r-r-r-r! Guggle, guggle! Ch'k, ch'k!" observed Hughie. "Personally," continued the dentist, rolling the pulverised substance in the mortar between his finger and thumb, and lighting a spirit-lamp, "I am an ardent upholder of the principles of that truly great man, the immortal Richard Cobden. Are you?" Hughie, thoughtlessly lifting the gag for a mo- ment, replied with fatal distinctness. It was a mad act. The dentist simply took up a humorous-looking bulb-shaped appliance, and having filled it with red-hot air at the spirit-lamp, discharged its contents, in one torrid blast, into the excavated tooth. Twenty minutes later Hughie was ushered into the street, and stood poising himself doubtfully on the doorstep. He did not know what to do. 324 THE UNJUST STEWARD Strictly speaking, his next engagement should have been to entertain Mr. Lance Gaymer at luncheon. But that exposer of fraudulent trustees had not replied to Hughie's written invitation. Hence Hughie's stork-like attitude outside the dentist's premises. Personally he had not the slightest desire to entertain Lance Gaymer at luncheon or any other meal. On the other hand, he had promised Joan to seek out her brother and ascertain if all was well with him. Ergo, since the Mountain declined to come to Mohammed, or even answer his letters, Mohammed must put his pride in his pocket and go to the Mountain. The prophet accordingly hailed a hansom, and was directing the cabman to drive to the Moun- tain's residence in Maida Vale, a paradoxical address for a Mountain, by the way, when a strange thing happened. Nay, it was a provi- dential thing; for if Hughie had not resolutely summoned up his courage and told the dentist to go in and finish off the small hole in the last tooth, a treat which that sated epicure was in- clined to postpone until another occasion, he would have hailed this hansom twenty minutes sooner and so missed his just reward. Mrs. Lance Gaymer suddenly came round a corner of the quiet square, and crossed the road directly in front of Hughie's hansom. Hughie dismounted, and greeted her. CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 325 "Why," cried Mrs. Lance, "I do declare, it's Mr. Marrable!" She smiled upon Hughie in a manner so in- toxicating that the cabman coughed discreetly to the horse. That intelligent animal made no comment, but turned round and looked at the cabman. "Fancy meeting you!" she continued archly. " Did your husband get a letter from me yes- terday, Mrs. Gaymer, do you know?" asked Hughie. No, Mrs. Gaymer was sure he had not. The poor boy had took to his bed a week ago, with the "flu"; so Mrs. Lance had been conducting his correspondence for him, and could therefore vouch for the non-arrival of Hughie's letter. She hazarded the suggestion that possibly Hughie had written to Maida Vale. Yes. Hughie had. "That's it, then!" said Mrs. Lance. "We moved from there six weeks ago. We live in Bal- ham now." Hughie was not sufficiently conversant with suburban caste distinctions to feel sure whether this was a step up or down in the social scale, so he merely expressed a hope that Lance was getting well again. "I want to come and see him, if I may," he said. "I asked him to come and lunch with me, 326 THE UNJUST STEWARD but I suppose that is out of the question at 'pre- sent." "You're right there," said Mrs. Lance in dis- tinctly guarded tones. "He ain't what you'd call spry. He's not seeing anybody." "I should n't stay long," urged Hughie. "Is it business?" enquired Mrs. Gaymerwith a touch of hostility. "Yes," said Hughie. Mrs. Gaymer surveyed him curiously. To most people she would have said flatly and un- truthfully that her husband was unfit to see any one, for she had her own reasons for discouraging visitors to Balham just now. But she had al- ways cherished a weakness for Hugh Marrable. He treated her exactly as he treated all women with a scrupulous courtesy which, while it slightly bored frivolous damsels of his acquaint- ance, was appreciated at its true value by a lady whose social status was more than a little equivo- cal. It is only when one has secret doubts about being a real lady that one appreciates being treated as such. "Could you come to-morrow?" she said at last. "I have to get back to Manors to-night," said Hughie. "Might I come out to Balham this afternoon ? Or, better still, will you come and lunch with me somewhere now, and we can CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 327 drive out there afterwards? Or must you get back to the invalid?" he added, with just a suspicion of hopefulness. Mrs. Lance, however, expressed her willingness to come and lunch, but insisted on being allowed to precede Hughie to Balham by at least one hour. The house was that untidy ! she explained. Accordingly Hughie, having decided in his mind upon an establishment where he would not be likely to encounter any of his own friends, and which would yet conform with Mrs. Gaymer's notions of what was sufficiently "classy," con- veyed his fair charge thither in a hansom; and presently found himself engaged in that tradi- tional ne plus ultra of dissipation the enter- tainment of another man's wife to a meal in a public restaurant. Mrs. Lance, after she desisted from her efforts to impress upon her host the fact that she was quite accustomed to this sort of thing, was amus- ing enough. She addressed the waiter an in- articulate Teuton as " Johnny," and made a point of saying a few words to the manager when he passed their table. She smoked a cigarette after lunch, and was good enough to commend Hughie's taste in champagne a brand which he had hazily recognised in the wine-list as being the sweetest and stickiest beverage ever distilled from gooseberries. (It was the sort of champagne 328 THE UNJUST STEWARD which goes well with chocolate creams : " Chorus Girls' Entire," he remembered they used to call it.) At any rate it met with Mrs. Lance's undi- vided approval, and Hughie realised for the first time that a University education can after all be useful to one in after-life. Suddenly Mrs. Lance enquired : "Do you know any theatrical managers, my dear boy ?" Yes, Hughie had come across one or two. "Why?" "Well," said Mrs. Lance expansively, "you've always treated me like flesh and blood, which is more than what some of your relations have done; so I'll tell you. After all, I've got me feelings, same as " "What about the theatrical managers?" in- quired Hughie tactfully. "Oh, yes. Do you think you could ask one of 'em to give me a shop ? The chorus would do. I was in it before," said Mrs. Gaymer can- didly. "Why do you want to go back there ?" "I I've got a fancy for it that's all," re- plied Mrs. Gaymer in a thoroughly unconvincing tone. Hughie wondered if Lance and his wife were beginning to tire of one another. "I do know one or two men," he said, "who CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 329 are interested in some of the musical-comedy syndicates. Shall I try them ?" " Will you reelly ? You'll be a duck if you do," said Mrs. Gaymer. After the deliverance of this unsolicited testi- monial Hughie's guest observed that she must be getting home, and Hughie, having put her into a cab and paid the driver, retired to his club, clogged with viscous champagne and feeling excessively unwell, to wait until it should be time for him to follow her. To look at the double row of eligible residences which composed Talbot Street, Balham, you would hardly have suspected that any of them would support what the Inland Revenue Schedule calls a "male servant." And yet, when Hughie rang the bell of Number Nineteen, the door was opened by such an appanage of prosperity. He was an elderly gentleman with a rheumy but humorous eye, and a nose which suggested the earlier stages of elephantiasis. He wore a dress- coat of distinctly fashionable cut (which, need- less to say, did not fit him) and the regulation white shirt and collar, the latter quite two sizes too small ; but his boots and trousers apparently belonged to a totally different class of society. "Name of Marrable?" he enquired, smiling benevolently upon Hughie. "Yes." 330 THE UNJUST STEWARD "Step in. We've been expectin' of you for 'alf-an-hour. Don't wipe your boots on that mat. It's worth one-and-eight." After this somewhat remarkable confidence, the Gaymers' major-domo conducted the visitor upstairs. Here he threw open a door with truly theatrical grandeur, and announced, " 'Ere's the young toff for you, my de " "Thank you, James: that will do," interposed Mrs. Lance Gaymer, with a very fair imitation of the manner of a musical-comedy duchess. "How do you do, Mr. Marrable?" She was attired in the faded glories of a tea- gown, of a material more pretentious than dur- able; and in the half-light of the drawing-room the blinds were partially lowered looked extremely handsome in a tawdry way. She apologised for her retainer's familiarity. Mr. Marrable would doubtless know what old servants was. Still, James must certainly be spoke to about it. "You'll drink a cup of tea with me," she con- tinued, "and then we'll pop up and see Lance, pore boy! Ring the bell, please." Hughie did so, and a rather laborious quarter- of-an-hour followed. He ploughed his way through a morass of unlikely topics, while Mrs. Lance, who was obviously perturbed at the non- appearance of tea, replied in distrait monosylla- CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 331 bles. Hughie was conscious about half-way through the conversation of a faint crash in the lower regions, and wondered dimly whether ca- lamity had overtaken the afternoon meal. If so, he had no doubt as to which of the domestic staff of Number Nineteen was responsible. At last the door opened, and the inestimable James appeared. " You done it this time !" he remarked severely. "The 'andle of that tea-pot 'as came right away in me 'and. It must have been that way this long while. You won't get no tea now. Wot's more, that tea-pot will 'ave to come off the invent " By this time Mrs. Lance Gaymer, with dumb but frenzied signallings, was herding her censori- ous hireling through the door, and his concluding remarks were lost in the passage outside. Presently she returned, smiling bravely. Hughie experienced a sudden pang of pity and admiration. Lance's wife was the right sort of girl after all. "I reelly must apologise " she began. But Hughie interrupted her. He rose, and looked her frankly in the face. "Mrs. Gaymer," he said, "please don't bother about keeping up appearances with me. I never cared a hang about them, and never shall. Tell me, what are you doing with a bailiff in the house ?" 332 THE UNJUST STEWARD Mrs. Lance broke down and cried, more from relief than anything else, and presently Hughie, much to his surprise, found himself sit- ting beside her, patting her large but shapely hand, and uttering words of comfort and encour- agement into her ear. IWlpil lM<