A MAN'S MAN. With frontispiece, izmo, $1.20, net. 
 
 Postage, 12 cents. 
 THE RIGHT STUFF. With frontispiece. izrno, 
 
 $1.20, net. Postage, 10 cents. 
 
 HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY 
 BOSTON AND NEW YORK
 
 A MAN'S MAN
 
 'O, HUGHIE, DID YOU?" (D376)
 
 A MAN'S MAN 
 
 BY 
 
 IAN HAY, p ScvA 
 
 AUTHOB OF " THE BIGHT STUFF " 
 
 WITH FRONTISPIECE BY 
 JAMES MONTGOMERY FLAGQ 
 
 BOSTON AND NEW YORK 
 HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY 
 
 prcsi* CambdDgc 
 1910
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS 
 COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY 
 
 Published September IQIO
 
 TO 
 T. B. 
 
 213SS19
 
 Partner (after several collisions). I should think you were more 
 at home in a boat than a ballroom, Mr. Rudderford! 
 
 Little Bobbie Rudderford (the famous Oxbridge coxswain) . Yes ; 
 and by Jove, I 'd sooner steer eight men than one woman, any day ! 
 Punch.
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 BOOK ONE 
 
 DEALS WITH A STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 I. NAVAL MANCEUVBES 3 
 
 II. INTRODUCES THE HEROINE OF THIS NARRATIVE . 22 
 
 III. JIMMY MARRABLE 28 
 
 IV. AN UNDERSTUDY 49 
 
 V. THE JOY OF BATTLE 61 
 
 BOOK TWO 
 
 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 VI. KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 81 
 
 VII. THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 112 
 
 VIII. A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 130 
 
 IX. LITESA SCSIPTA MANET 146 
 
 X. THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 157 
 
 BOOK THREE 
 
 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 XL SEALED ORDERS 179 
 
 XII. A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 195
 
 x CONTENTS 
 
 XIII. VARWM ST MUTABILB 223 
 
 XIV. BUSINESS ONLY 247 
 
 BOOK FOUR 
 
 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 XV. DEPUTATIONS WITH A DIFFERENCE .... 263 
 XVI. IN WHICH CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG, AND JOAN 
 
 MISSES HER CUE 292 
 
 XVII. IN WHICH CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME, AND HUGHIE 
 
 MISSES HIS TRAIN 320 
 
 XVIII. Ex MACULA . 339 
 
 XIX. IN WHICH LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW . 354 
 XX. SINFUL WASTE OF A PENNY STAMP . . 372
 
 BOOK ONE 
 
 DEALS WITH A STUFF THAT WILL 
 NOT ENDURE
 
 A MAN'S MAN 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 NAVAL MAN02UVRES 
 
 A UNIVERSITY college varies its facial expres- 
 sion about as frequently as The Sphinx and about 
 as violently as a treacle- well. 
 
 This remark specially applies between the 
 hours of breakfast and luncheon. The courts, 
 with their monastic cloisters and inviolable grass- 
 plots, lie basking in a sunny obliviousness to the 
 world outside. Their stately exclusiveness is ac- 
 centuated rather than diminished by the glimpse 
 of an occasional flying figure in a cap and gown, 
 or the spectacle of a middle-aged female of a 
 discreet and chastened appearance, who glides 
 respectfully from one archway to another, carry- 
 ing a broom and a tin pail, or alas for the 
 goings-on that a cloistered cell may conceal be- 
 hind its art-muslin curtains ! a tankard con- 
 taining some gentleman's morning ale. 
 
 In one corner, close to the Buttery door, you 
 may behold one of the college cats, which appears 
 to be combining a searching morning toilet with
 
 4 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 a course of practical calisthenics; and inside the 
 massive arch of the gateway stands a majestic 
 figure in a tall hat, whom appreciative Americans 
 usually mistake for the Master, but who in reality 
 occupies the far more onerous and responsible 
 post of Head Porter. 
 
 Perhaps the greatest variation from the normal 
 is to be observed on a Saturday morning. Then 
 the scene is brightened by the vision of an occa- 
 sional washerwoman, who totters bravely at one 
 end of a heavy basket, what time her lord and 
 master (who has temporarily abandoned his fa- 
 vourite street-corner and donned Sabbath attire 
 for this, his weekly contribution to the work of 
 the world) sulkily supports the other. 
 
 Undergraduates, too, are more in evidence than 
 on other days. On most mornings they either 
 stay indoors, to work or sleep, or else go outside 
 the college altogether. "Loitering" in the courts 
 is not encouraged by the authorities. Not that 
 the undergraduate minds that; but it will prob- 
 ably cost him half-a-crown every time he does so, 
 not because he loiters but because he smokes. 
 
 The Old Court of St. Benedict's College it is 
 hardly necessary to say that we are in Cambridge 
 and not in Oxford: otherwise we should have 
 said "Quad" presents to us on the present 
 occasion a very fair sample of a Saturday morn- 
 ing crowd. The observant eye of the Dean, look-
 
 NAVAL MANCEUVRES 5 
 
 ing down (like Jezebel) from an upper chamber, 
 can discern 
 
 1. Three washerwomen, with the appurte- 
 nances thereof. 
 
 2. One small boy delivering The Granta. 
 
 3. A solitary spectacled gentleman, of the type 
 described by the University Calendar in stately 
 periphrasis as " A Native of Asia, not of European 
 Parentage" (but more tersely classified by the rest 
 of the community as "a nigger"), hurrying in cap 
 and gown to secure a good place at the feet of 
 some out-of-college Gamaliel. 
 
 4. A kitchen-man in white jacket and apron, 
 bearing upon his head a tray containing a salmon 
 mayonnaise, cutlets in aspic, and a special Cam- 
 bridge dainty known as "Grassy Corner Pud- 
 ding" a fearsome compound of whipped cream 
 and pistachio nuts. 
 
 5. A Buttery boy, walking close behind, with a 
 basket containing bottles. Evidently some young 
 gentleman is about to entertain angels un- 
 awares so far as his bill-paying papa is concerned. 
 
 6. Four young men converging to a group in 
 the centre of the court. Of these, two are attired 
 in the undergraduate mode of the moment 
 tweed jackets with leather buttons, waistcoats of 
 the Urim and Thummim variety, grey flannel 
 trousers well turned up, clamorous silk socks, and 
 heavy Highland shooting brogues. The third
 
 6 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 wears what the College Regulations describe 
 rather ingenuously as "Athletic Dress." Pheidip- 
 pides himself would have found it difficult to per- 
 form feats of prowess in a costume composed of 
 split pumps, white duck trousers, and a blazer 
 admirably qualified to serve as a model of the 
 Solar Spectrum. 
 
 It may be mentioned in passing that, to the 
 College Regulations, "Athletic Dress" is not in 
 itself a costume in which it is possible to perform 
 athletic feats, but one whose colour-scheme clashes 
 with the sub-fuse standard which obtains in all 
 college courts until one P.M. ; such, in fact, as 
 would tend to distract the eye and sap the dili- 
 gence of those who traverse the courts on their 
 way to lectures. In consequence, he who would 
 be matutinally athletic must either keep his war- 
 paint somewhere out of college, or drape himself 
 like a stage conspirator as he flits from his rooms 
 to the river or Fenner's. 
 
 The fourth gentleman of the party was dressed, 
 if not gorgeously, sufficiently respectably to war- 
 rant the assumption that he was not a member 
 of the University. 
 
 All four were smoking. 
 
 The Dean, glancing in the direction of the gate- 
 way, and observing with sardonic satisfaction that 
 the watchful Cerberus there was taking a note of 
 the delinquency, returned to his work. Regard-
 
 NAVAL MANOEUVRES 7 
 
 less of the prospective loss of half-a-crown apiece, 
 the undergraduates exchanged cheerful greetings. 
 
 "Hallo, Dishy- Washy!" 
 
 "Hallo, Gussie!" 
 
 "Hallo, Towzer!" 
 
 There ensued an awkward pause, while Messrs. 
 Gussie and Towzer, nervously conscious of the 
 presence of a stranger to whom they were about 
 to be presented, looked intently at their boots 
 and waited for the introduction to take place. 
 
 The gentleman previously addressed as Dishy- 
 Washy, a diminutive youth with wizened features, 
 his name was Dishart- Watson, cleared his 
 throat. 
 
 " Introduce my brother," he said huskily. " Mr. 
 Poltimore Mr. Angus !" 
 
 The gentlemen indicated shook hands with the 
 visitor, and Mr. Angus, after a mental effort, 
 inquired : 
 
 " Come to see us go Head ?" 
 
 He giggled deprecatingly, to show that he did 
 not really mean this. 
 
 "Hope so," said Dishy- Washy's brother po- 
 litely. "I hear you've got a pretty hot crew," he 
 added. 
 
 "First chop," said Mr. Poltimore. "You just 
 arrived?" 
 
 "Yes; down from town this morning." 
 
 "Oh! live there?"
 
 8 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 "Er yes." 
 
 "Oxford man," interpolated Dishy- Washy 
 swiftly. "Sent down," he added in extenuation. 
 
 The other two nodded sympathetically, and the 
 conversation proceeded more briskly. 
 
 "Are you going to catch those chaps to-night, 
 Dishy?" inquired Mr. Angus earnestly. 
 
 "Don't know," replied Dishy- Washy, who as 
 coxswain of the St. Benedict's boat enjoyed a 
 position of authority and esteem in inverse ratio 
 to his inches. " Duncombe 's a good enough little 
 oar, but you can't expect a man who weighs nine 
 stone ten to stroke the boat and pull it along 
 too. Of course, if we had anything we could call 
 a Six! As for old Puffin" 
 
 "Fourteen stone of tripe!" interpolated Mr. 
 Angus, the gentleman in Athletic Dress. "Lord 
 help the boat!" he added bitterly. 
 
 It may be mentioned in passing that Mr. An- 
 gus's athletic achievements were rather over- 
 stated by his costume. His blazer was that of a 
 college club of twelve members, admission to 
 which was strictly limited to gentlemen who could 
 absorb a gallon of beer at a draught, and whose 
 first rule stated that any member who committed 
 the betise of taking a degree, however humble, 
 should pay to the club a fine of five pounds. 
 
 " Still," said Towzer hopefully, " there 's always 
 Marrable."
 
 NAVAL MANOEUVRES 9 
 
 Everybody even the gentleman who had 
 been sent down from Oxford cheered up at 
 this reflection. 
 
 "By gum!" said the coxswain with sudden en- 
 thusiasm, " he's a wonder ! You should have seen 
 him in the boat yesterday. He was rowing a 
 blade that simply lifted the whole of bow side 
 along by itself ; and besides that he was coaching 
 Stroke all the time telling him when to swing 
 out and when to quicken, and bucking him up 
 generally; and on the top of all that he found 
 time every now and then to turn round and curse 
 old Six. I tell you, he's a wonder. Did you hear 
 about him last night?" 
 
 "I did hear some yarn," said Angus. "Went 
 and smashed up The Owls, did n't he ?" 
 
 "Smashed up?" Dishy's saturnine features 
 expanded into a smile that was almost benevolent. 
 " My lad, have you seen Muggeridge's alabaster 
 brow this morning?" 
 
 Mr. Muggeridge was the president of "The 
 Owls" Wine Club. 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Well, last night I was going round about half- 
 past ten to see that all the crew were in their 
 beds. When I came to H, New Court, I found 
 a devil of a row going on in Muggeridge's rooms 
 directly under Buncombe's, you know." 
 
 "Yes. Go on," said all, much interested.
 
 10 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 "There was a meeting of The Owls on," con- 
 tinued Dishy, " and they 'd had the nerve to hold 
 it on a staircase where there were actually two 
 men of the crew Duncombe and Eversley 
 trying to get to sleep." 
 
 "What did you do?" inquired Poltimore. 
 
 " Went in and reminded them. I thought they 
 might have forgotten." 
 
 "What did they say?" 
 
 "They told me to go to " 
 
 "Good Lord!" said the audience, genuinely 
 horrified at the employment of such language by 
 a non-athletic to an athletic man. 
 
 The Owls were a collection of rather dissipated 
 young nobodies, while Dishy wore a Leander tie, 
 which in a rowing college entitles a man to some- 
 thing like reverence. 
 
 "I soon found it was a put-up job," continued 
 the coxswain. "They had some grudge against 
 Duncombe, and wanted to score him off. I could 
 hear him hammering on his bedroom floor above 
 to make them dry up." 
 
 "What did you do then?" 
 
 " I explained to them exactly what I thought of 
 them," replied the coxswain simply. 
 
 "What did you say, exactly?" 
 
 Dishy told them. They smacked their lips ap- 
 preciatively, and the next question followed pat. 
 
 "And what did they do?"
 
 NAVAL MANOEUVRES 11 
 
 "Well, they were a bit far gone ' 
 
 "Drunken sweeps!" remarked the virtuous 
 Gussie, who belonged to a rival institution. 
 
 " Yes. They were a bit far gone," repeated the 
 coxswain, with the air of one endeavouring to 
 explain an otherwise unaccountable circumstance, 
 "and they well, tihey hove me out, in fact. 
 There were nine of them," he added, in the man- 
 ner of one who is not quite sure if his excuse will 
 be accepted. 
 
 "And then?" 
 
 "Then I went straight off to old Hughie's 
 rooms" there was a respectful intaking of 
 breath by the company : most of the College were 
 wont to refer to the gentleman in question as 
 Marrable "and knocked him up. He had just 
 gone to bed." 
 
 " What did he do ?" came the question, in lively 
 anticipation of the recital to come. 
 
 "Put on a few things over his pyjamas, and 
 came along with me." 
 
 The audience sighed ecstatically. 
 
 "What happened?" said Poltimore. 
 
 "Well, things were getting a bit lively by the 
 time we arrived. Just as we got to the foot of the 
 stair we were greeted by Muggeridge's oak, which 
 some playful fellow had taken off its hinges and 
 thrown over the banisters. However, we dodged 
 that and raced up to the first floor.
 
 12 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 "You could have heard a pin drop when we 
 walked into the room. One or two of them looked 
 a bit green, though, when they saw what a tower- 
 ing passion Hughie was in. Still, Muggeridge was 
 sober enough, and tried to talk it off. He stood 
 up, and said, ' Hallo, Marrable ! This is splendid ! 
 You are just in time to drink to the success of the 
 crew to-morrow. We 're all sportsmen here. Come 
 on, you chaps no heeltaps!' 
 
 " He stood waving his glass, but anybody could 
 see that he was in a putrid funk. 
 
 " Hughie shut the door behind him and leaned 
 against it, and said : 
 
 "'Muggeridge, I don't know you very inti- 
 mately, but I know this, that you always were a 
 worm and a bounder. You can't altogether help 
 that, and personally I don't particularly mind, 
 although you give the College away a bit. Still, I 
 think the College can bear that. You are quite at 
 liberty to get full and amuse yourself in any way 
 you please, so long as you and your pals don't in- 
 terfere with other people. But when it comes to 
 disturbing my crew, who have to fight the battles 
 of the College on behalf of warriors like you and 
 these gentlemen here, whose favourite field-sport 
 is probably billiards well, that 's just what I 
 call a bit too thick!' 
 
 "All this time Muggeridge was looking pretty 
 averagely uncomfortable. The other chaps were
 
 NAVAL MANCEUVRES 13 
 
 gazing at him, evidently waiting for a lead. But 
 you could see he was pretty well up a stump as to 
 what to do next. However, next time old Hughie 
 paused for breath, he said : 
 
 "'Oh, get out!' 
 
 "It was a rotten thing to say. Hughie smiled 
 at him. 
 
 " ' All right,' he said, ' but I must put you to bed 
 before I go.' 
 
 "Before anybody could do anything he was 
 across the room and had a grip of Muggeridge by 
 the back of the neck and one wrist, which he 
 twisted round behind somehow. Then he turned 
 him round, and kicked him all the way across the 
 room into his bedroom. He used Muggeridge' s 
 head as a sort of battering-ram to open the door 
 with. Oh, it was the most gorgeous spectacle !" 
 
 There was a little sigh of rapture all round the 
 group. 
 
 Muggeridge was a prominent member of that 
 class of society which undergraduates and other 
 healthy and outspoken Philistines designate 
 simply and comprehensively as "Tishbites" or 
 "Tishes." 
 
 "He shut him in and locked the door," con- 
 tinued the coxswain, " and then he turned on the 
 other eight. They were a pretty average lot of 
 worms you know them ?" 
 
 There was a murmur of assent, and Mr. Polti-
 
 14 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 more, with rather belated presence of mind, hur- 
 riedly explained to the Oxford gentleman that the 
 band of heroes under discussion were not in any 
 sense representative of the rank and file of the 
 College. 
 
 And they just sat round the table looking 
 perfectly paralytic. (As a matter of fact most of 
 them were.) Hughie laid hold of the biggest of 
 them Skeffington and said : 
 
 "This meeting is adjourned, gentlemen. Just 
 to show you that I'm speaking the truth, I'll 
 heave the senior member present downstairs ! '" 
 
 "Did he?" asked everybody. 
 
 "No. He'd have killed him if he had. He 
 picked Skeff up by the collar and the seat of his 
 bags and said to me, * Watch 'em, Dishy !' Then 
 he carried Skeff downstairs, and slugged him into 
 the middle of the grass plot outside." 
 
 "Good egg!" murmured Mr. Angus. 
 ' "Didn't the others try to bolt?" inquired 
 Towzer. 
 
 " The idea was mooted," replied the coxswain 
 loftily, "but I told them to sit still or they'd get 
 their silly heads knocked together." 
 
 "Did he cart them all downstairs?" 
 
 "No; it would have been too tame a job with 
 such a set of mangy squirts. He simply came 
 back and said : 
 
 " * Now, you miserable little snipes, I give you
 
 NAVAL MANOEUVRES 15 
 
 fifteen seconds to quit these premises. The last 
 man out will be personally assisted downstairs by 
 me. I'm sorry I've only got slippers on.' Still, 
 he landed the Honourable Hopton-Hattersley a 
 very healthy root for all that," concluded Dishy, 
 with a seraphic smile. "After that the porter 
 arrived with the Dean's compliments, and it was 
 past the hour for music, gentlemen ; but Hughie 
 slapped him on the back and told him that he 
 had arrived too late for the fair. Then he went 
 home to bed as cool as a cucumber. Oh, he's 
 Hallo, there he is! I must catch him. So long, 
 you men! See you at lunch, Reggie." 
 
 And Mr. Dishart- Watson, swelling with im- 
 portance, hurried off to overtake a figure which 
 had swung out of a distant staircase in the south- 
 west corner of the court and was striding towards 
 the gateway. 
 
 There was no undergraduate slouchiness dis- 
 cernible either in the dress or in the appearance of 
 the Captain of the St. Benedict's boat. He was a 
 strong-limbed, clean-run young man of about 
 twenty-one; perhaps a trifle too muscular to be 
 a quick mover, but, with his broad back and 
 sinewy loins, an ideally built rowing-man. He 
 was a youth of rather grave countenance, with 
 shrewd blue eyes which had a habit of disap- 
 pearing into his head when he laughed, and a 
 mouth in which, during these same periods of
 
 16 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 exhilaration, his friends confidently asserted that 
 you could post a letter. He was a born leader 
 of men, and, as the discerning reader will have 
 gathered from Mr. Dishart- Watson's narrative, 
 was still strongly imbued with what may be 
 called public-school principles of justice. He en- 
 tirely refused to suffer fools gladly or even re- 
 signedly, but had a kindly nod for timorous 
 freshmen, a friendly salute for those Dons who 
 regarded undergraduates as an integral part of 
 the scheme of college life and not merely as a 
 necessary evil, and a courtly good-day for flut- 
 tered and appreciative bedmakers. He never for- 
 got the faces or names of any of those over him or 
 under him Dons and college servants, that is ; 
 and further, in his own walk of life (a society in 
 which you may recognise the existence of no man, 
 even though he daily passes you the salt or 
 gathers you under his arm in the familiarity of a 
 Rugby scrummage, until you have been formally 
 introduced to him), he never pretended to do so. 
 
 While Mr. Dishy- Washy's short legs are en- 
 deavouring to bring him alongside the striding 
 Olympian in front, it will perhaps be well to ex- 
 plain why it was so absolutely essential to the 
 welfare of St. Benedict's College that eight young 
 men should enjoy a night's rest untrammelled 
 by revels on the floors below. 
 
 For the benefit of those who have never made
 
 NAVAL MANCEUVRES 17 
 
 a study of that refinement of torture known as 
 a "bumping" race, it may be mentioned that at 
 Oxford and Cambridge the various College crews, 
 owing to the narrowness of their rivers, race not 
 abreast but in a long string, each boat being 
 separated from its pursuer and pursued by an 
 equal space. Every crew which succeeds in row- 
 ing over the course without being caught (or 
 "bumped") by the boat behind it is said to have 
 "kept its place," and starts in the same position 
 for the next day's racing. But if it contrives to 
 touch the boat in front, it is said to have made 
 a "bump," and both bumper and bumped get 
 under the bank with all speed and allow the rest 
 of the procession to race past. Next day bumper 
 and bumped change places, and the victors of the 
 day before endeavour to repeat their performance 
 at the expense of the next boat in front of them. 
 The crew at "the head of the river" have, of 
 course, nothing to catch, and can accordingly 
 devote their attention to keeping away from 
 Number Two, which is usually in close attendance 
 owing to the pressing attention of Number Three. 
 And so on. 
 
 The racing takes place during four successive 
 evenings in the May Week, so called for the 
 somewhat inadequate reason that it occurs in 
 June. It was now Saturday, the last day of the 
 races, and the men of St. Benedict's knew that
 
 18 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 an enormous effort must be made that evening. 
 So far they had made two bumps, comparatively 
 easily. Starting from fourth place they were now 
 second on the river, and only the All Saints boat 
 stood between them and the haven where they 
 would be. They had tried last night to bring their 
 foe down, but had failed ; they were going to try 
 again to-night, but All Saints were a terribly strong 
 crew. They had been Head for five years, and 
 there were four Blues in the boat. Public opinion 
 admitted that St. Benedict's were about the fast- 
 est crew on the river that year, but considered 
 that a seasoned lot like All Saints could keep 
 on spurting away long enough to last out the 
 course. 
 
 "Unless, of course," people said, "unless 
 Marrable does something extra special." 
 
 It was wonderful what a lot the world in gen- 
 eral seemed to expect of Marrable. Character 
 counts for something even among the very young ; 
 and there is no more youthful member of society 
 than the undergraduate. The sixth-form boy is a 
 Nestor compared with him. 
 
 Meanwhile our diminutive friend Dishy, the 
 coxswain, had succeeded in overtaking his cap- 
 tain, just as that great man stepped into a han- 
 som in Trinity Street. 
 
 "Where are you off to, Hughie?" he panted. 
 
 "Station."
 
 NAVAL MANOEUVRES 19 
 
 "People?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Well, I'm coming with you. I'll cut away 
 before you meet her." 
 
 Dishy was one of the few who dared to address 
 Marrable in this strain. 
 
 The two installed themselves in the hansom, 
 and while the experienced animal between the 
 shafts proceeded down Trinity Street, butting 
 its way through sauntering pedestrians, pushing 
 past country-parsonical governess carts, taking 
 dogs in its stride, and shrinking apprehensively 
 from motor-bicycles ridden by hatless youths in 
 bedroom slippers, they discussed affairs of state. 
 
 "There's only one way to do it, Dishy," said 
 Marrable. "I'm going stroke." 
 
 Dishy nodded approvingly. 
 
 "It's the only thing to do," he said. "But who 
 is going to row seven Stroke ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Bow-side will go to pieces," said Dishy with 
 conviction. 
 
 "Perhaps. But as things are at present stroke 
 side will." 
 
 "That's true," admitted the coxswain. "Let's 
 see now : there'll be you stroke, Duncombe seven, 
 Puffin six it's worth trying anyhow. We're 
 bound to keep away from the James' people, so 
 we might as well have a shot."
 
 20 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 "Clear out now," said Marrable, "and go 
 round and tell the men to be at the boathouse by 
 four, and we'll have a ten minutes' outing in the 
 new order. Then, when you've done that, cut 
 down to the boathouse and tell Jerry to alter my 
 stretcher and Duncombe's." 
 
 These commands involved a full hour's exces- 
 sive activity in a hot sun on the part of Mr. Dish- 
 art-Watson; but Marrable was not the man to 
 spare himself or his subordinates when occasion 
 demanded. 
 
 The coxswain descended to the step of the 
 hansom and clung to the splash-board as he re- 
 ceived his last instructions. 
 
 "And tell Jerry," added Marrable, "to get 
 down a new stroke-side oar, with a good six-inch 
 blade. Duncombe's has been shaved down to a 
 tooth-pick." 
 
 Dishy nodded cheerfully and dropped off into 
 the traffic. 
 
 "The old man means business. We shall go 
 Head now," he murmured to himself with simple 
 confidence. "All right, sir, my fault entirely. 
 Don't apologise!" 
 
 And leaving an inverted motor-cyclist, who had 
 run into him from behind, to congest the traffic 
 and endure laceration from his own still faith- 
 fully revolving pedals, the coxswain of the St. 
 Benedict's boat proceeded at a brisk pace back
 
 NAVAL MANCEUVRES 21 
 
 to his College, there to inform a sorely tried troupe 
 of seven that, owing to an eleventh-hour change 
 in the cast, a full-dress rehearsal of their evening's 
 performance had been called for four o'clock 
 sharp.
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 INTRODUCES THE HEROINE OF THIS NARRATIVE 
 
 IT has been said by those who ought to know 
 that, if the most painful quarter of an hour in a 
 man's life comes when he is screwing himself up 
 to proposing-point, the corresponding period in 
 a woman's is that immediately preceding her 
 first dinner-party in her own house. 
 
 Granting the unpleasantness of both these 
 chastening but necessary experiences, a mere 
 male may be excused for inquiring why the second 
 should be ear-marked as the exclusive preroga- 
 tive of the opposite sex. There is no more mor- 
 bidly apprehensive creature under the sun than 
 the undergraduate about to give a state luncheon- 
 party which is to be graced by the presence of his 
 beloved. 
 
 Hughie Marrable sat back in his hansom with 
 knitted brow, and checked some hieroglyphics 
 on the back of an envelope. 
 
 " Let's see," he murmured to himself, "Dressed 
 crab. Can't go wrong there. Told the cook to 
 be sure to send it up in the silver scallops with 
 the College crest on. After all, it's the trim- 
 mings that really appeal to a woman. Not the
 
 INTRODUCES THE HEROINE 23 
 
 food, but the way you serve it up. Rum crea- 
 tures!" he added parenthetically. "Prawns in 
 aspic. That always looks nice, anyway, though 
 not very filling at the price. I remember last 
 year Kitty Devenish said it looked simply " 
 
 Hughie checked his soliloquy rather suddenly, 
 and, if any one else had been present in the han- 
 som, would probably have blushed a little. Miss 
 Kitty Devenish was what cycle-dealers term "a 
 last year's model," and at the present moment 
 Hughie was driving to meet some one else. He 
 continued : 
 
 " Cutlets a la reform. Quite the best thing the 
 kitchens turn out, but not so showy as they 
 might be. Still, with old Huish's Crown Derby 
 plates it was decent of the old man to lend 
 them; I hope to goodness Mrs. Gunn won't do 
 anything rash with them they ought to do. 
 Grassy corner pudding. That always creates ex- 
 citement, though it tastes rotten. Fruit salad; 
 creme brule. That's safe enough. Macaroni au 
 gratin. She won't touch it, but it'll please Uncle 
 Jimmy and Jack Ames. Wish I could have some 
 myself ! Never mind ; only about six hours more ! " 
 
 Hughie smacked his lips. It is hard to sit 
 among the flesh-pots and not partake thereof. 
 His fare at this feast would be cold beef and dry 
 toast. 
 
 He turned over the envelope.
 
 24 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 " H'm drink. Don't suppose she'll have any- 
 thing, but I can't take that for granted. There's 
 a bottle of Berncastler Doctor and some Beaune. 
 I wonder if it would be best to have them open 
 before I ask her what she'll drink, or ask her 
 what she'll drink before I open them. I'll have 
 'em open, I think. She might refuse if she saw 
 the corks were n't drawn. Anyhow Mrs. Ames 
 will probably take some. But, great Scott! I 
 must ask Mrs. Ames first, mustn't I? That's 
 settled anyway. She'll probably take whatever 
 Mrs. Ames takes. 
 
 "Then there are the table decorations. I wish 
 to goodness I could remember whether it was 
 wall-flower she said. I think it must have been, 
 because I remember making some putrid joke to 
 her once about like attracting unlike. Anyhow, 
 it's too late to change it now. I've plumped for 
 wall-flower, and the room simply stinks of it. 
 
 "Then the seats. Me at the head, with Mrs. 
 Ames on one hand and her on the other. Uncle 
 Jimmy at the end, with Ames on his left and 
 Dicky Lunn between Mrs. Ames and Uncle 
 Jimmy. Yes, Ames must sit there. Lord knows, 
 Dicky Lunn should be safe enough, but you never 
 know what sort of man a girl won't take a fancy 
 to. And after all, Ames is married," added the 
 infatuated youth. 
 
 " Then Mrs. Gunn. I think I 've told her every-
 
 INTRODUCES THE HEROINE 25 
 
 thing." He feverishly ticked off his admonitions 
 on his fingers. " Let me see, 
 
 " One: not to put used plates on the floor. 
 
 " Two: not to join in the conversation. 
 
 " Three: not to let that wobbly affair in her 
 bonnet dip into the food. 
 
 " Four: not to breathe on things or polish them 
 with her apron, except out of sight. 
 
 "Five: not to attempt on any account to hand 
 round the drink. 
 
 " Six: to go away directly after lunch and not 
 trot in and out of the gyp-room munching re- 
 mains. 
 
 "The tea- hamper should be all right. Trust 
 the kitchens for that ! I must remember to stick 
 in a box of chocolates, though. And I don't think 
 I need bother about dinner, as they are going to 
 send in Richards to wait. Anyhow, I shall have 
 the boat off my chest by that time. That will be 
 something, especially if " 
 
 Hughie lapsed into silence, and for a moment 
 a vision of love requited gave place in his imagina- 
 tion to the spectacle of the Benedictine crew going 
 Head of the river. 
 
 His reflections were interrupted by the arrival 
 of his equipage at that combined masterpiece 
 of imposing architecture and convenient arrange- 
 ment, Cambridge railway station. The platform 
 was crowded with young men, most of them in
 
 26 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 "athletic dress," waiting for the London train. 
 The brows of all were seamed with care, partak- 
 ing in all probability of the domestic and amorous 
 variety which obsessed poor Hughie. 
 
 The train as usual dashed into the station with 
 a haughty can't-stop-at-a-hole-like-this expres- 
 sion, only to clank across some points and grind 
 itself to an ignominious and asthmatic standstill 
 at a distant point beside the solitary and inter- 
 minable platform which, together with a ticket- 
 office and a bookstall, prevents Cambridge rail- 
 way station from being mistaken for a rather 
 out-of-date dock-shed. 
 
 Presently Hughie, running rapidly, observed 
 his guests descending from a carriage. 
 
 First came a pleasant-faced lady of between 
 thirty and forty, followed by a stout and easy- 
 going husband. Next, an oldish gentleman with 
 a white moustache and a choleric blue eye. 
 And finally pretty, fresh, and disturbing ap- 
 peared the Jons et origo of the entire expedition, 
 on whose account the disposition and incidents of 
 Hughie's luncheon-party had been so cunningly 
 planned and so laboriously rehearsed Miss 
 Mildred Freshwater. 
 
 The party greeted their host characteristically. 
 His uncle, even as he shook hands, let drop a few 
 fervent anticipatory remarks on the subject of 
 lunch; Mr. Ames, who was an old college boat
 
 INTRODUCES THE HEROINE 27 
 
 captain, coupled his greeting with an anxious 
 inquiry as to the club's prospects of success that 
 evening; Mrs. Ames' eyes plainly said, "Well, 
 I've brought her, my boy; now wire hi!" and 
 Miss Freshwater, when it came to her turn, shook 
 hands with an unaffected pleasure and camara- 
 derie which would have suited Hughie better if 
 there had been discernible upon her face what 
 Yum- Yum once pithily summed up as "a trace 
 of diffidence or shyness." 
 
 Still, Hughie was so enraptured with the vision 
 before him that he failed to observe a small and 
 shrinking figure which had coyly emerged from 
 the train, and was hanging back, as if doubtful 
 about its reception, behind Mrs. Ames' skirts. 
 Presently it detached itself and stood before 
 Hughie in the form of a small girl with coppery 
 brown hair and wide grey-blue eyes. 
 
 "Joey!" shouted Hughie. 
 
 "She would come !" explained his uncle, in the 
 resigned tones of a strong man who knows his 
 limits. 
 
 The lady indicated advanced to Hughie's side, 
 and, taking his hand, rubbed herself ingratiatingly 
 against him in the inarticulate but eloquent man- 
 ner peculiar to dumb animals and young children.
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 
 
 LUNCHEON on the whole was a success, though 
 Mrs. Gunn's behaviour exceeded anything that 
 Hughie had feared. 
 
 She began by keeping the ladies adjusting their 
 hair in Hughie's bedroom for something like ten 
 minutes, while she recited to them a detailed and 
 revolting description of her most recent complaint. 
 Later, she initiated an impromptu and unseemly 
 campaign beginning with a skirmish of whis- 
 pers in the doorway, swelling uproariously to what 
 sounded like a duet between a cockatoo and a 
 bloodhound on the landing outside, and dying 
 away to an irregular fire of personal innuendoes, 
 which dropped over the banisters one by one, 
 like the gentle dew of heaven, on to the head of 
 the retreating foe beneath with a kitchen- 
 man over a thumb-mark on a pudding-plate. 
 
 But fortunately for Hughie the company tacitly 
 agreed to regard her as a form of comic relief; 
 and when she kept back the salad-dressing for 
 the express purpose frustrated at the very last 
 moment of pouring it over the sweets ; yea, 
 even when she suddenly plucked a hairpin from
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 29 
 
 her head with which to spear a wasp in the grassy 
 corner pudding, the ladies agreed that she was 
 "an old pet." When Mrs. Ames went so far as to 
 follow her into the gyp-room after lunch and 
 thank her for her trouble in waiting upon them, 
 Mrs. Gunn, divided between extreme gratifica- 
 tion and a desire to lose no time, unlimbered her 
 batteries at once ; and Hughie's tingling ears, as 
 he handed round the coffee, overheard the porten- 
 tous and mysterious fragment: "Well, mum, I 
 put 'im straight to bed, and laid a hot flannel on 
 his ," just as the door of the gyp-room swung 
 to with a merciful bang. 
 
 It was now after two, and Hughie, in response 
 to a generally expressed desire, laid before his 
 guests a detailed programme for the afternoon. 
 He proposed, first of all, to show them round the 
 College. After that the party would proceed to 
 Ditton Paddock in charge of Mr. Richard Lunn 
 who, it will be remembered, had been selected by 
 Hughie as cavalier on account of his exceptional 
 qualifications for the post in company with a 
 substantial tea-basket, the contents of which he 
 hoped would keep them fortified in body and 
 spirit until the races began with the Second Di- 
 vision, about five-thirty. 
 
 " How are you going to get us down to Ditton, 
 Hughie?" inquired his uncle. 
 
 "Well, there's a fly which will hold five of you,
 
 30 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 and I thought" Hughie cleared his throat 
 "I could take the other one down in a canoe." 
 
 There was a brief pause, while the company, 
 glancing at one another with varying expressions 
 of solemnity, worked out mental problems in 
 Permutations and Combinations. Presently the 
 tactless Ames inquired : 
 
 " Which one are you going to take in the canoe ? " 
 
 " Oh, anybody," said Hughie, in a voice which 
 said as plainly as possible: "Silly old ass!" 
 
 However, realising that it is no use to continue 
 skirmishing after your cover has been destroyed, 
 he directed a gaze of invitation upon Miss Fresh- 
 water, who was sitting beside him on the seat. 
 
 She turned to him before he could speak. 
 
 "Hughie," she said softly, "take that child. 
 Just look at her!" 
 
 Hughie obediently swallowed something, and 
 turned to the wide-eyed and wistful picture on 
 the sofa. 
 
 "Will you come, Joey?" he inquired. 
 
 The lady addressed signified, by a shudder of 
 ecstasy, that the answer to the invitation was in 
 the affirmative. 
 
 " Meanwhile," said Mr. Marrable, " I am going 
 to smoke a cigar before I stir out of this room. 
 And if you people will spare Hughie for ten min- 
 utes, I'll keep him here and have a short talk 
 with him. I must go back to-night."
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 31 
 
 The accommodating Mr. Lunn suggested that 
 this interval should be bridged by a personally 
 conducted expedition to his rooms downstairs, 
 where he would have great pleasure in exhibiting 
 to the company a "rather decent" collection of 
 door-knockers and bell-handles, the acquisition of 
 which articles of vertu (he being a youth of strong 
 wrist and fleet foot) was a special hobby of his. 
 
 Hughie was left alone with his uncle the 
 only relation he possessed in the world, and the 
 man who had been to him both father and mother 
 for nearly eighteen years. 
 
 Hughie had been born in India. His recollec- 
 tions of his parents were vague in the extreme, 
 but if he shut both eyes and pressed hard upon 
 them with his hands he could summon up various 
 pictures of a beautiful lady, whose arms were 
 decked with glittering playthings that jingled 
 musically when she carved the chicken for 
 Hughie's nursery dinner. He particularly remem- 
 bered these arms, for their owner had a pleasant 
 habit of coming up to kiss him good-night after 
 his ayah had put him to bed. On these occa- 
 sions they were always bare ; and Hughie remem- 
 bered quite distinctly how much more comfortable 
 they were then than next morning at tiffin, when 
 they were enclosed in sleeves which sometimes 
 scratched. 
 
 Of his father he remembered less, except that
 
 32 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 he was a very large person who wore gorgeous 
 raiment of scarlet. Also things on his heels which 
 clicked. He had a big voice, too, this man, and 
 he used to amuse himself by training Hughie to 
 stand stiffly erect whenever he cried, "'Shun!" 
 
 Hughie also remembered a voyage on a big 
 ship, where the passengers made much of him, 
 and a fascinating person in a blue jersey (which 
 unfortunately scratched) presented him with nu- 
 merous string balls, which smelt most gloriously 
 of tar but always fell into the Indian Ocean or 
 some other inaccessible place. 
 
 Then he remembered arriving with his parents 
 at a big bungalow in a compound full of grass- 
 plots and flower-beds, where a person whom he 
 afterwards learned to call Uncle Jimmy greeted 
 him gravely and asked him to accept his hospi- 
 tality for a time. After that quite soon he 
 remembered saying good-bye to his parents, or 
 rather, his parents saying good-bye to him. The 
 big man shook him long and solemnly by the 
 hand, which hurt a good deal but impressed 
 Hughie deeply, and the beautiful lady's arms 
 with thick sleeves on, too ! clung round Hughie's 
 neck till he thought he would choke. But he stood 
 stiffly at " 'shun" all the time, because his parents 
 seemed thoroughly unhappy about something, 
 and he desired to please them. He had never had 
 a woman's arms round his neck since.
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 33 
 
 After his parents had gone, he settled down 
 happily enough in the big compound, which he 
 soon learned to call "the garding." The name 
 of the bungalow he gathered from most of the 
 people with whom he came in contact was " The 
 'All," though there were some who called it 
 "Manors," and Uncle Jimmy, who, too, appa- 
 rently possessed more than one name, was inva- 
 riably referred to by Hughie's friends in the vil- 
 lage as "Ole Peppery." 
 
 Very shortly after his parents' departure Hughie 
 overheard a conversation between his uncle and 
 Mrs. Capper, the lady who managed the house- 
 hold, which puzzled him a good deal. 
 
 "Understand, Capper, I won't have it," said 
 his uncle. 
 
 "Think what people will say, sir," urged Mrs. 
 Capper respectfully but insistently. 
 
 "I don't care a" Capper coughed discreetly 
 here " what people say. The boy is not going 
 to be decked out in crape and hearse-plumes to 
 please you or any other old woman." 
 
 "Hearse-plumes would not be essential, sir," 
 said the literal Capper. "But I think the child 
 should have a little black suit." 
 
 "The child will run about in his usual rags," 
 replied Old Peppery, in a voice of thunder ; " and 
 if I catch you or any one else stuffing him up with 
 yarns about canker-worms or hell-fire, or any
 
 34 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 trimmings of that description, I tell you straight 
 that there will be the father and mother of a row." 
 
 "Yes, sir," said Capper meekly. "And I de- 
 sire, sir," she added in the same even tone, "to 
 give warning." 
 
 Thereupon Uncle Jimmy had stamped his way 
 downstairs to the hall, and Hughie was left won- 
 dering what the warning could have been which 
 Mrs. Capper desired to utter. It must have been 
 a weighty one, for she continued to deliver it at 
 intervals during the next ten years, long indeed 
 after Hughie's growing intelligence had dis- 
 covered its meaning. But her utterances received 
 about as much attention from her employer as 
 Cassandra's from hers. 
 
 However, the immediate result of the conver- 
 sation recorded above was that Mrs. Capper made 
 no attempt to deck Hughie in crape or hearse- 
 plumes; and later on, when he was old enough 
 to understand the meaning of death, his uncle 
 told him how his parents had gone to their God 
 together " the happiest fate, old man, that can 
 fall on husband and wife" one stormy night in 
 the Bay of Biscay, in company with every other 
 soul on board the troop-ship Helianthus, and that 
 henceforth Hughie must be prepared to regard 
 the broken-down old buffer before him as his 
 father and mother. 
 
 Hughie had gravely accepted this arrangement,
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 35 
 
 and for more than seventeen years he and his 
 uncle had treated one another as father and son. 
 
 Jimmy Marrable was a little eccentric, but 
 so are most old bachelors, and like a good 
 many eccentric men he rather prided himself on 
 his peculiarities. If anything, he rather culti- 
 vated them. One of his most startling character- 
 istics was a habit of thinking aloud. He would 
 emerge unexpectedly from a brown study, to 
 comment to himself with stunning suddenness 
 and absolute candour on the appearance and 
 manners of those around him. It was credibly re- 
 ported that he had once taken a rather intense and 
 voluble lady in to dinner, and after regarding 
 her for some time with a fixity of attention which 
 had deluded the good soul into the belief that he 
 was hanging on her lips, had remarked to him- 
 self, with appalling distinctness, during a lull in 
 the conversation : " Guinea set misfit at the 
 top gutta-percha fixings wonder they don't 
 drop into her soup ! " and continued his meal with- 
 out any apparent consciousness of having said 
 anything unusual. 
 
 He was eccentric, too, about other matters. 
 Once Hughie, returning from school for his holi- 
 days, discovered that there had been an addition 
 to the family in his absence. 
 
 Mrs. Capper's very face in the hall told him 
 that something was wrong. Its owner informed
 
 36 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 Hughie that though one should be prepared to 
 take life as one found it, and live and let live had 
 been her motto from infancy, her equilibrium 
 ever since the thing had happened had lain at 
 the mercy of the first aggressively disposed fea- 
 ther that came along, and what people in the 
 neighbourhood would say she dared not think. 
 
 She ran on. Hughie waited patiently, and pre- 
 sently unearthed the facts. 
 
 A few weeks ago the master had returned from 
 a protracted visit to London, bringing with him 
 two children. He had announced that the pair 
 were henceforth to be regarded as permanent in- 
 mates of the establishment. Beyond the fact 
 that one brat was fair and a boy and the other 
 darkish and a girl, and that Mrs. Capper had 
 given warning on sight, Hughie could elicit no- 
 thing, and waited composedly for his uncle to 
 come home from shooting. 
 
 Jimmy Marrable, when he arrived, was not 
 communicative. He merely stated that the little 
 devils were the children of an old friend of his, 
 called Gaymer, who had died suddenly and left 
 them to be brought up by him as guardian. 
 
 "And Hughie, my son," he concluded, "if you 
 don't want your head bitten off you will refrain 
 in this case from indulging in your propensity 
 for asking why and getting to the bottom of 
 things. I'm not best pleased at finding them on
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 37 
 
 my hands, but here they are and there's an end 
 of it. The girl is five ten years younger than 
 you and the boy's eight. She is called Joan, 
 and his idiotic name is Lancelot Wellesley. I 
 wonder they did n't christen him Galahad Na- 
 poleon ! Come upstairs and see them." 
 
 All this had occurred seven years ago. During 
 that time Lancelot Wellesley Gaymer had grown 
 up sufficiently to go to a public school, and con- 
 sequently Miss Joan Gaymer had been left very 
 much in the company of the curious old gentle- 
 man whom she had soon learned to call Unker 
 Zimmy. Of their relations it will be sufficient at 
 present to mention that a more curiously as- 
 sorted and more thoroughly devoted couple it 
 would be difficult to find. 
 
 Jimmy Marrable reclined on the window seat 
 and smoked his cigar. His nephew, enviously 
 eyeing the blue smoke, sprawled in an arm-chair. 
 
 "Hughie," said the elder man suddenly, "how 
 old" are you ? Twenty-one, is n't it ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " And are you going down for good next week ? 
 
 "Yes." Hughie sighed. 
 
 "Got a degree?" 
 
 "Tell you on Tuesday." 
 
 "Tell me now." 
 
 "Well yes, I should think." 
 
 "What in?"
 
 38 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 " Mechanical Stinks Engineering. Second 
 Class, if I'm lucky." 
 
 "Urn. Got any vices?" 
 
 "Not specially." 
 
 "Drink?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Not a teetotaller?" said Jimmy Man-able in 
 some concern. 
 
 "No." 
 
 "That's good. Ever been drunk ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Badly, I mean. I 'm not talking about bump- 
 supper exhilaration." 
 
 "Only once." 
 
 "When?" 
 
 "My first term." 
 
 "What for?" 
 
 "To see what it was like." 
 
 "Perfectly sound proceeding," commented 
 Jimmy Marrable. " What were your impressions 
 of the experiment?" 
 
 "I have n't got any," said Hughie frankly. "I 
 only woke up next morning in bed with my 
 boots on." 
 
 "Who put you there?" 
 
 "Seven other devils." 
 
 "And you have not repeated the experiment ?" 
 
 "No. There's no need. I know my capacity 
 to a glass now."
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 39 
 
 "Then you know something really worth know- 
 ing," remarked Jimmy Marrable with sincerity. 
 " Now, what are you going to do with yourself ? 
 Why not go and see the world a bit ? You have 
 always wanted to. And do it thoroughly while 
 you are about it. Take five years over it; ten if 
 you like. You will like, you know. It's in the 
 blood. That's why I think you are wise not to 
 want to enter the Service. You can always scrape 
 in somewhere if there is a war, and barrack-life 
 in time of peace would corrode your very heart 
 out. It nearly killed your dad at five-and-twenty. 
 That was why he exchanged and took to the 
 Frontier, and ended his days in command of a 
 Goorkha regiment. Life at first hand; that's 
 what we Marrables thrive on ! I never set foot in 
 this country myself between the ages of twenty 
 and thirty-three. I would come with you again 
 if it was n't for Anno Domini and the nippers. 
 But you'll find a good many old friends of mine 
 dotted about the world. They're not all folk I 
 could give you letters of introduction to some 
 of 'em don't speak English and others can't read 
 and write; but they'll show you the ropes better 
 than any courier. You take my advice, and go. 
 England is no place for a young man with money 
 and no particular profession, until he's over thirty 
 and ready to marry. Will you go, Hughie?" 
 
 Hughie's expression showed that he was con-
 
 40 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 sidering the point rather reluctantly. His uncle 
 continued : 
 
 " Money all right, I suppose ? You have eight 
 hundred a-year now you are of age. Got any 
 debts, eh? I'll help you." 
 
 "None to speak of. Thanks all the same." 
 
 "Well; why not go?" 
 
 "I should like to go more than anything," said 
 Hughie slowly, "but" 
 
 "Well?" 
 
 "I don't know that is ' 
 
 "I cfo," said Jimmy Marrable with character- 
 istic frankness. " You are struggling between an 
 instinct which tells you to do the sensible thing and 
 an overpowering desire to do a dashed silly one." 
 
 Hughie grew very red. 
 
 His uncle continued : 
 
 "You want to marry that girl." 
 
 Hughie blazed up. 
 
 "I do," he said, rather defiantly. 
 
 The cigar glowed undisturbedly. 
 
 "You think that life has no greater happiness 
 to offer you ?" 
 
 "I am sure of it," said Hughie, with an air of 
 one stating a simple truth. 
 
 "And you are twenty-one?" 
 
 "Ye es," with less fire. 
 
 Jimmy Marrable smoked reflectively for a few 
 minutes.
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 41 
 
 "I am an old bachelor," he said at last, "and 
 old bachelors are supposed to know nothing about 
 love-affairs. The truth of course is that they 
 know far more than any one else." 
 
 Hughie was accustomed to these obiter dicta. 
 
 "Why?" he asked dutifully. 
 
 "Well, for the same reason that a broken 
 swashbuckler knows a deal more about soldier- 
 ing than a duly enrolled private of the line. He 
 has had a more varied experience. The longer a 
 man remains a bachelor the more he learns about 
 women ; and the more he learns about women the 
 better able he will be to make his way in the 
 world. Therefore, if he marries young he reduces 
 his chances of success in life to a minimum. 
 The sad part about it all is that, provided he 
 gets the girl he wants, he does n't care. That, 
 by the way, is the reason why nearly all the most 
 famous men in history have either been unhap- 
 pily married or not married at all. Happiness 
 has no history. Happily married men are never 
 ambitious. They don't go toiling and panting 
 after : " 
 
 "They have no need to," said Hughie. "A 
 man does n't go on running after a tram-car after 
 he has caught it." 
 
 " That begs the question, Hughie. It presumes 
 that all the available happiness in the world is 
 contained in one particular tram-car. Besides,
 
 42 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 the tram-cars you mean are intended for men 
 over thirty. The young ought to walk." 
 
 Hughie realised that the conversation was 
 growing rather too subtle for him, and reverted 
 to plain cut and thrust. 
 
 " Then you think no man should marry before 
 thirty?" he said. 
 
 " Nothing of the kind ! It depends on the man. 
 If he is a steady, decent, average sort of fellow, 
 who regards a ledger as a Bible and an office- 
 stool as a stepping-stone to the summit of the uni- 
 verse, and possesses no particular aptitude for 
 the rough-and-tumble of life, the sooner he mar- 
 ries and settles down as a contented old pram- 
 pusher the better for him and the nation. Do 
 you fancy yourself in that line, Hughie?" 
 
 "No-o-o," said Hughie reluctantly. "But I 
 might learn," he added hopefully. "I'm a pretty 
 adaptable bloke." 
 
 Jimmy Marrable threw his cigar-end out of 
 the window, and sat up. 
 
 "Listen, Hughie," he said, "and I'll tell you 
 what you really are. You are the son of a mother 
 who climbed out of her bedroom window (and 
 let herself down a rain-pipe that I would n't have 
 trusted a monkey on) in order to elope with the 
 man she loved. Your father was the commander 
 of as tough a native regiment as I have ever 
 known. Your grandfather was an explorer. I 've
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 43 
 
 been a bit of a rolling-stone myself. About one 
 relation of yours in three dies in his bed. You 
 come of a stock which prefers to go and see 
 things for itself rather than read about them in 
 the newspaper, and which has acquired a con- 
 siderable knowledge of the art of handling men 
 in the process. Those are rather rare assets. If 
 you take a woman in tow at the tender age of 
 twenty-one, there will be a disaster. Either you 
 will sit at home and eat your heart out, or you 
 will go abroad and leave her to eat out hers. Am 
 I talking sense?" 
 
 Hughie sighed like a furnace. 
 
 "Yes, confound you!" he said. 
 
 " Will you promise not to rush into matrimony, 
 then?" 
 
 "Perhaps she'll wait for me," mused Hughie. 
 
 "How old is she?" 
 
 "Twenty-one, like me." 
 
 "H'm," remarked Jimmy Marrable drily. 
 "That means that she is for all practical pur- 
 poses ten years your senior. However, perhaps 
 she will. Pigs might fly. But will you promise 
 me to think the matter over very carefully before 
 deciding not to go abroad?" 
 
 "Yes," said Hughie. 
 
 "That being the case," continued his uncle 
 briskly, "I want to tell you one or two things. If 
 you do go, I may never see you again."
 
 44 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 " I say," said Hughie in alarm, " there's nothing 
 wrong with your health, is there, old man?" 
 
 " Bless you, no ! But once a Marrable takes to 
 the wilds Methuselah himself could n't reckon 
 on living long enough to see him again. So I am 
 going to talk to you while I've got you. I am 
 taking this opportunity of being near town to 
 see my solicitor and make my will. I am fit 
 enough, but I am fifty this year ; and at that age 
 a man ought to make some disposition of his pro- 
 perty. I may as well tell you that I have left you 
 nothing. Annoyed ? " 
 
 "Not in the least." 
 
 "And I have left nothing to Master Lance." 
 
 Hughie looked a little surprised at this. 
 
 "I mean to start him on his own legs before 
 my demise," explained Jimmy Marrable. "Im- 
 mediately, in fact. That is partly what I am going 
 up to town for. I am investing a sum for him 
 which ought to bring him in about two hundred 
 a year for the rest of his life. He's nearly six- 
 teen now, and he'll have to administer his income 
 himself pay his own school-bills and every- 
 thing. Just as I made you do. Nothing like ac- 
 customing a boy to handling money when he's 
 young. Then he does n't go a mucker when he 
 suddenly comes into a lot of it. I shan't give him 
 more, because it would prevent him from work- 
 ing. Two hundred won't. A slug would perhaps
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 45 
 
 live contentedly enough on it, but Lancelot 
 Wellesley Gaymer is a pretentious young sweep, 
 and he'll work in order to gain the means for 
 making a splash. The two hundred will keep him 
 going till he finds his feet." 
 
 Jimmy Marrable paused, and surveyed his 
 nephew rather irritably. 
 
 "Well," he inquired at length, "haven't you 
 any contribution to make to this conversation?" 
 
 "Can't say I have had much chance so far," 
 replied the disrespectful Hughie. 
 
 "Don't you want to know what I'm going to 
 do with the rest of my money? That's a ques- 
 tion that a good many people are worrying them- 
 selves about. Don't you want to join in the in- 
 quisition?" 
 
 "Can't say I do. No business of mine." 
 
 His uncle surveyed him curiously. 
 
 "You're infernally like your father, Hughie," 
 he said. "Well, I'm going to leave it to Joey." 
 
 "Good scheme," said Hughie. 
 
 "You think so?" 
 
 "Rather!" 
 
 "There 's a lot of it," continued his uncle reflec- 
 tively. " Some of it is tied up rather queerly, too. 
 My executors will have a bit of a job." 
 
 He surveyed the impassive Hughie again. 
 
 "Don't you want to know who my executors 
 are?" he inquired quite angrily.
 
 46 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 "No," said Hughie, who was deep in other 
 thoughts at the moment. "Not my business," he 
 repeated. 
 
 "Hughie," said Jimmy Marrable, "you are 
 poor Arthur over again. He was a cursedly irri- 
 tating chap at times," he added explosively. 
 
 A babble of cheerful voices on the staircase 
 announced the return of the safe-looking Mr. 
 Lunn and party. They flowed in, entranced with 
 that gentleman's door-knockers (the counte- 
 nances of which, by the way, were usually com- 
 pared by undergraduate critics, not at all unfa- 
 vourably, with that of their owner), and declared 
 themselves quite ready now to be properly im- 
 pressed by whatever features of the College 
 Hughie should be pleased to exhibit to them. 
 
 One tour round a College is very like another ; 
 and we need not therefore follow our friends up 
 and down winding staircases, or in and out of 
 chapels and libraries, while they gaze down on 
 the resting-places of the illustrious dead or gape 
 up at the ephemeral abodes of the undistinguished 
 living. 
 
 The expedition was chiefly remarkable (to the 
 observant eye of Mrs. Ames) for the efforts made 
 by its conductor to get lost in suitable company 
 an enterprise which was invariably frustrated by 
 the resolute conduct of that small but determined 
 hero-worshipper, Miss Joan Gaymer. On one
 
 JIMMY MARRABLE 47 
 
 occasion, however, Hughie and Miss Freshwater 
 were left together for a moment. The party had 
 finished surveying the prospect from the roof of 
 the College Chapel, and were painfully groping 
 their way in single file down a spiral staircase. 
 Only Hughie, Miss Freshwater, and the ubiqui- 
 tous Miss Gaymer were left at the top. 
 
 "You go next, Joey," said Hughie; "then Miss 
 Freshwater, then me." 
 
 The lady addressed plunged obediently into 
 the gloomy chasm at her feet. She observed with 
 frank jealousy that the other two did not imme- 
 diately follow her, and accordingly waited for 
 them in the belfry half-way down. 
 
 Presently she heard their footsteps descending ; 
 and Miss Freshwater's voice said : 
 
 " I wanted to tell you about it first of anybody, 
 Hughie, because you and I have always been such 
 friends. Nobody else knows yet." 
 
 There was a silence, broken only by Hughie's 
 footsteps, evidently negotiating a difficult turn. 
 Then Miss. Freshwater's voice continued, a little 
 wistfully : 
 
 "Are n't you going to congratulate me ?" 
 
 And Hughie's voice, sounding strangely sepul- 
 chral in the echoing darkness, replied : 
 
 " Rather ! I I hope you'll be very happy. 
 Mind that step." 
 
 Miss Gaymer wondered what it was all about.
 
 48 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 Hughie found an opportunity before the day 
 was over of holding another brief conversation 
 with his uncle, in the course of which he expressed 
 an opinion on the advantages of immediate and 
 extensive foreign travel which sent that opponent 
 of early marriages back to town in a thoroughly 
 satisfied frame of mind. 
 
 "There ought to be a statue," said Jimmy 
 Marrable to his cigar, as he leaned back reflec- 
 tively in his railway carriage, " set up in the capi- 
 tal of every British Colony, representing a female 
 figure in an attitude of aloofness, and inscribed : 
 Erected by a grateful Colony to its Principal Emi- 
 gration Agent The Girl at Home Who Married 
 'Somebody Else" 
 
 Then he sighed to himself rather forlornly, 
 a woman would have said.
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 AN UNDERSTUDY 
 
 " The indulgence of the audience is asked on behalf of Miss Joan 
 Gaymer t who, owing to the sudden indisposition of Miss Mildred 
 Freshwater, has taken up that lady's part at very short notice." 
 
 A COUPLE of hours later Hughie, roaring very 
 gently for so great a lion, was engaged in paddling 
 a Canadian canoe down to Ditton Corner. 
 
 The canoe contained one passenger, who, with 
 feminine indifference to the inflexible laws of 
 science, was endeavouring to assist its progress 
 by paddling in the wrong direction. Her small 
 person, propped by convenient cushions, was 
 wedged into the bow of the vessel, and her white 
 frock and attenuated black legs were protected 
 from the results of her own efforts at navigation 
 by a spare blazer of Hughie's. Her hat lay on the 
 floor of the canoe, half-full of cherries, and her 
 long hair rippled and glimmered in the afternoon 
 sun. Miss Joan Gaymer would be a beauty some 
 day, but for the present all knowledge of that fact 
 was being tactfully withheld from her. To do her 
 justice, the prospect would have interested her 
 but little. Like most small girls of eleven, she 
 desired nothing so much at present as to resemble
 
 50 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 a small boy as closely as possible. She would 
 rather have captured one bird's-nest than twenty 
 hearts, and appearances she counted as dross 
 provided she could hold her own in a Catherine- 
 wheel competition. 
 
 They were rather a silent couple. Joan was 
 filled with that contentment which is beyond 
 words. She was wearing a new frock ; she had 
 escaped under an escort almost exclusively male 
 if we except the benevolent despotism of Mrs. 
 Ames from home, nurse, and governess, to 
 attend a series of purely grown-up functions; 
 and to crown all, she was alone in the canoe, a 
 light-blue blazer spread over her knees, with one 
 who represented to her small experience the head 
 and summit of all that a man should nay, 
 could be. 
 
 "I expect," she remarked, in a sudden burst of 
 exultation, as the canoe slid past two gorgeously 
 arrayed young persons who were seated by the 
 water's edge, "that those two are pretty sorry 
 they 're not in this canoe with us." 
 
 The ladies referred to arose and walked inland 
 with some deliberation. Hughie did not answer. 
 His brow was knitted and his manner somewhat 
 absent. 
 
 "Hughie," announced Miss Gaymer reproach- 
 fully, "you are looking very cross at me." 
 
 She had a curiously gruff and hoarse little
 
 AN UNDERSTUDY 51 
 
 voice, and suffered in addition from inability to 
 pronounce those elusive consonants r and /. So 
 she did not say "very cross," but "ve'y c'oss," 
 in a deep bass. 
 
 Hughie roused himself. 
 
 "Sorry, Joey!" he said; "I was thinking." 
 
 "Sec'ets?" inquired Miss Gaymer, all agog 
 with femininity at once. 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Oh," rather disappointedly. "About your 
 old boat, then?" 
 
 "Yes," said Hughie untruthfully. "Do you 
 quite understand how we race ?" 
 
 "I think so," said the child. "Your boat is 
 second, and it wants to bump into the boat in 
 font is that it?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Well, do it just when you pass us, will 
 you ?" 
 
 "I'll try," said Hughie, beginning to brighten 
 up. "But it may take longer than that. About 
 the Railway Bridge, I should think." 
 
 "And after the race will you take me home 
 again?" inquired the lady anxiously. 
 
 " Can't be done, I'm afraid. The race finishes 
 miles from Ditton, where you will be; and I 
 should n't be able to get back in time. You had 
 better drive home with the others." 
 
 " When shall I see you again, then ?" demanded
 
 52 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 Miss Gaymer, who was not of an age to be reti- 
 cent about the trend of her virgin affections. 
 
 "About seven. You are all coming to dine in 
 my rooms." 
 
 "Ooh!" exclaimed his companion in a flutter 
 of excitement. " How long can I sit up ?" 
 
 "Ask Mrs. Ames," replied the diplomatic 
 Hughie. 
 
 "Till ten?" hazarded Joey, with the air of one 
 initiating a Dutch auction. 
 
 "Don't ask me, old lady." 
 
 "Supposing," suggested Miss Gaymer craftily, 
 "that you was to say you wanted me to sit up 
 and keep you company?" 
 
 Hughie laughed. " Afraid that would n't work. 
 I have to go out about nine to a Bump Supper." 
 
 "What's that?" 
 
 "A College supper, in honour of the men who 
 have been rowing." 
 
 "I like suppers," said Miss Gaymer tentatively. 
 
 Hughie smiled. " I don't think you 'd like this 
 one, Joey," he said. 
 
 "Why? Don't they have any sixpences or 
 thimbles in the t'ifle?" said Miss Gaymer, in 
 whose infant mind the word supper merely con- 
 jured up a vision of sticky children, wearing paper 
 caps out of crackers, distending themselves un- 
 der adult supervision. 
 
 "I don't think they have any trifle."
 
 AN UNDERSTUDY 53 
 
 "Perfectly p'eposte'ous ! " commented Miss 
 Gaymer with heat. (I think it has already been 
 mentioned that she spent a good deal of her time 
 in the company of Jimmy Marrable.) "Ices ?" 
 
 "Let me see. Yes sometimes." 
 
 "Ah!" crooned Joey, with a happy little sigh. 
 "Can't I come?" 
 
 "Afraid not, madam. Bump Suppers are for 
 gentlemen only." 
 
 "I should like that," said madam frankly. 
 
 "And they are rather noisy. You might get 
 frightened." 
 
 "Not if I was sitting alongside of you," was 
 the tender reply. 
 
 Joey's anxiety for his company renewed 
 Hughie's depression of spirits. Admiration and 
 confidence are very desirable tributes to receive ; 
 but when they come from every quarter save the 
 right one the desirability of that quarter is only 
 intensified. Poor human nature ! Hughie sighed 
 again in a manner which caused the entire canoe 
 to vibrate. Miss Gaymer suddenly turned the 
 conversation. 
 
 "What was that person talking to you about, 
 Hughie?" she inquired. 
 
 "Who?" 
 
 "That person that came with us in the t'ain. 
 Miss " Joey's mouth twisted itself into a 
 hopeless tangle.
 
 54 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 "Freshwater?" said Hughie, reddening. 
 
 "Yes. When you were taking us round the 
 Co'ege after lunch you and her stayed behind 
 on the top of the Chapel, while the rest of us were 
 coming down. When I was waiting for you, I 
 heard her say: * You 're the first to hear of it, 
 Hughie.' To hear of what?" 
 
 Hughie looked genuinely disturbed. 
 
 "I don't know whether she wants it known 
 yet, Joey," he said. 
 
 Miss Gaymer assumed an expression before 
 which she knew that most gentlemen of her ac- 
 quaintance, from Uncle Jimmy down to the 
 coachman at home, were powerless. 
 
 "Hughie dear, you'll tell me, won't you?" 
 she said. 
 
 Hughie, making a virtue of necessity, agreed. 
 
 " Well, promise you won't tell anybody," he said. 
 
 "All right," agreed Miss Gaymer, pleasantly 
 intrigued. 
 
 "She's going to be married," said Hughie, in 
 a voice which he endeavoured to make as matter- 
 of-fact as possible. It was not a very successful 
 effort. At twenty-one these things hurt quite 
 as much, if not so lastingly, as in later life. 
 
 "I'm ve'y g'ad to hear it," remarked Miss 
 Gaymer with composure. 
 
 Hughie looked at the small flushed face before 
 him rather curiously.
 
 AN UNDERSTUDY 55 
 
 "Why, Joey?" he asked. 
 
 "Never mind!" replied Miss Gaymer primly. 
 
 After that the conversation languished, for 
 they were approaching the race-course, and boats 
 of every size and rig were thronging round them. 
 There was the stately family gig, with an aca- 
 demic and myopic paterfamilias at the helm and 
 his numerous progeny at the oars, sweeping the 
 deep of surrounding craft like Van Tromp's 
 broom. There was the typical May Week argosy, 
 consisting of a rowing-man's mother and sisters, 
 left in the care of two or three amorous but un- 
 nautical cricketers, what time their relative per- 
 formed prodigies of valour in the Second Divi- 
 sion. There was also a particularly noisome 
 home-made motor-boat, known up and down 
 the river from Grantchester to Ely as "The Stink- 
 pot," about the size of a coffin, at present oc- 
 cupied (in the fullest sense of the word) by its 
 designer, builder, and owner; who, packed se- 
 curely into his craft, with his feet in a pile of small 
 coal, the end of the boiler in the pit of his stomach, 
 and the engines working at fever heat between 
 his legs, was combining the duties of stoker, en- 
 gineer, helmsman, and finally (with conspicu- 
 ous success) director of ramming operations. 
 
 Through these various obstacles Hughie, de- 
 spite the assistance of his passenger, directed his 
 canoe with unerring precision, and finally brought
 
 56 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 up with all standing beside the piles at Ditton. 
 He experienced no difficulty in making arrange- 
 ments for the return journey of the canoe, for 
 a gentleman of his acquaintance begged to be 
 allowed the privilege of navigating it home, 
 pleading internal pressure in his own craft as 
 the reason. Hughie granted the boon with alac- 
 rity, merely wondering in his heart which of the 
 three languishing damsels planted round his 
 friend's tea-urn he had to thank for the deliver- 
 ance. 
 
 They found the fly in a good position close to 
 the water, with the rest of the party drinking tea, 
 and meekly wondering when the heroes who 
 dotted the landscape in various attitudes of ner- 
 vousness would disencumber themselves of their 
 gorgeous trappings and get to business. Hughie 
 deposited Joan beside a mountain of buns and 
 a fountain of tea, and, after expressing a hope 
 that every one was getting on all right, announced 
 that the Second Division might be expected to 
 paddle down at any moment now. 
 
 This statement involved a chorus of questions 
 regarding the technicalities of rowing, which that 
 model of utility, Mr. Lunn, had confessed him- 
 self unable to answer, and which had accordingly 
 been held over till Hughie's arrival. 
 
 Hughie's rather diffident impersonation of Sir 
 Oracle, and his intricate explanation of the exact
 
 AN UNDERSTUDY 57 
 
 difference between bucketing and tubbing (lis- 
 tened to with respectful interest by surrounding 
 tea-parties), was suddenly interrupted by a small 
 but insistent voice, which besought him to turn 
 the tap off and look pretty for a moment. 
 
 There was a shout of laughter, and Hughie 
 turned round, to find that one of those privileged 
 and all too inveterate attendants upon the modern 
 athlete, a photographer, was (with the assistance 
 of a megaphone) maintaining a reputation for 
 humorous offensiveness, at his expense, on the 
 towpath opposite. 
 
 After this the Second Division paddled down to 
 the start, arrayed in colours which would have 
 relegated such competitors as King Solomon and 
 the lilies of the field to that euphemistic but hu- 
 miliating category indicated by the formula 
 "Highly Commended." Presently they returned, 
 unclothed to an alarming and increasing extent, 
 and rowing forty to the minute. One crew brought 
 off a "gallery" bump right at Ditton Corner, to 
 the joy of the galaxy of beauty and fashion there- 
 on assembled. The bumped crew made the best 
 of an inglorious situation by running into the 
 piles and doubling up the nose of the boat, which 
 suddenly buckled and assumed a sentry-box atti- 
 tude over the head of the apoplectic gentleman 
 who was rowing bow. The good ship herself in- 
 continently sank, all hands going down with her
 
 58 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 like an octette of Casabiancas. Whereupon ap- 
 plause for the victors was turned into cries of 
 compassion for the vanquished. However, as all 
 concerned shook themselves clear of the wreck 
 without difficulty and paddled contentedly to the 
 bank, the panic subsided, and the rest of the 
 procession raced past without further incident. 
 
 As the last boat, remote, unfriended, melan- 
 choly, slow, accompanied by a coloured gentle- 
 man ringing a dinner-bell and a spectacled don 
 who trotted alongside chanting, "Well rowed, 
 Non- Collegiate Students !" creaked dismally past, 
 Hughie arose and shook himself. 
 
 "Our turn now," he said. "So long, every- 
 body!" 
 
 "Good luck, Hughie!" said Mrs. Ames. 
 "Your health!" 
 
 She waved her cup and then took a sip of 
 tea. 
 
 There was a chorus of good wishes from the 
 party, and one or two neighbouring enthusiasts 
 raised a cry of "Benedict's!" which swelled to a 
 roar as Hughie, flushing red, elbowed his way out 
 of the paddock and steered a course for a ferry- 
 boat a hundred yards down the Long Reach. 
 Popular feeling, which likes a peg upon which to 
 hang its predilections, was running high in favour 
 of Hughie and his practically single-handed en- 
 deavour to humble the pride of the All Saints
 
 AN UNDERSTUDY 59 
 
 men, with their four Blues and five years' Head- 
 ship. 
 
 Still, though many a man's especially a 
 young man's heart would have swelled excus- 
 ably enough at such homage, Hughie cared very 
 little for these things. The notoriety of the sport- 
 ing paper and the picture-postcard attracted him 
 not at all. He was doggedly determined to take 
 his boat to the Head of the river, not for the glory 
 the achievement would bring him, but for the 
 very simple and sufficient reason that he had made 
 up his mind, four Blues notwithstanding, to leave 
 it there before he went down. A Cambridge man's 
 pride in his College is a very real thing. An Ox- 
 ford man will tell you that he is an Oxford man. 
 A Cambridge man will say : " I was at such-and- 
 such a College, Cambridge." Which sentiment 
 is the nobler need not be decided here, but the 
 fact remains. 
 
 However, there was a fly in the ointment. 
 Amid the expressions of goodwill that emanated 
 from Hughie's own party one voice had been si- 
 lent. The omission was quite unintentional, for 
 Miss Mildred Freshwater 's head had been buried 
 in a hamper in search of spoons at the moment of 
 Hughie's departure. But to poor Hughie, who for 
 all his strength was no more reasonable where his 
 affections were concerned than other and weaker 
 brethren, the circumstance bereft the ovation of
 
 60 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 the one mitigating feature it might otherwise have 
 possessed for him. 
 
 As he strode along the bank to where the ferry- 
 boat was waiting, he heard a pattering of feet 
 behind. A small, hot, and rather grubby hand 
 was thrust into his, and Miss Gaymer remarked : 
 
 "I'm coming as far as that boat with you, 
 Hughie. Can I ?" 
 
 "All right, Joey," he replied. 
 
 They had only a few yards farther to go. Miss 
 
 Gavmer looked up into her idol's troubled coun- 
 
 " L 
 
 tenance. 
 
 "What's the matter, Hughie!" she inquired. 
 
 "Joey, I've got the hump." 
 
 Miss Gaymer squeezed his arm affectionately. 
 
 "Never mind, I'll marry you when I'm grown 
 up," she announced rather breathlessly. 
 
 Hughie felt a little awed, as a man must always 
 when he realises that a woman, however old or 
 young, loves him. He smiled down on the slim 
 figure beside him. 
 
 "You're a good sort, Joey," he said. "One of 
 the best!" 
 
 Miss Gaymer returned contentedly to her tea, 
 utterly and absolutely rewarded for the effort 
 involved by the sacrifice of this, her maidenly 
 reserve.
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 THE JOY OF BATTLE 
 
 HUGHIE stepped out of the ferry-boat on to the 
 towpath, which was crowded with young men 
 hastening to the places where the boats were 
 moored and young women who would have been 
 much better employed on the opposite bank. 
 
 The punctilious Hughie was looking about for 
 a friendly hedge or other protection behind which 
 he might decorously slip off the white flannel 
 trousers which during the afternoon had been 
 veiling the extreme brevity of his rowing-shorts, 
 when he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned 
 and found himself faced by a stout clean-shaven 
 man, with eyes that twinkled cheerfully behind 
 round spectacles. He looked like what he was, 
 a country parson of the best type, burly, humor- 
 ous, and shrewd, with unmistakable traces of 
 the schoolmaster about him. 
 
 "I beg your pardon, sir," he said, with a 
 rather old-fashioned bow, "but are you Mr. 
 Marrable?" 
 
 Hughie admitted the fact. 
 
 "Well, I just want to say that I hope you are 
 going Head to-night. You are to row stroke 
 yourself, I hear."
 
 62 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Quite right, quite right! It's a desperate 
 thing to change your crew about between races, 
 but it's our only chance. You could never have 
 caught them with the man you had last night. 
 He's plucky, but he can't pick a crew up and take 
 them with him. Have you been out in the new 
 order?" 
 
 "Yes. We had a short spin a couple of hours 
 ago." 
 
 "Satisfactory?" 
 
 "Yes, very fair." 
 
 "That's excellent. Now we shall see a race!" 
 
 The speaker turned and walked beside Hughie 
 in the direction of the Railway Bridge. Hughie 
 wondered who he could be. 
 
 " I suppose you are an old member of the Col- 
 lege, sir," he said. 
 
 " Yes. Have n't been able to come up for fif- 
 teen years, though." 
 
 "In the crew, perhaps?" continued Hughie, 
 observing his companion's mighty chest it had 
 slipped down a little in fifteen years and 
 shoulders. 
 
 "Yes," rather diffidently. 
 
 "I thought so. About what year?" 
 
 The stranger told him. 
 
 Hughie grew interested. 
 
 "You must have been in D'Arcy's crew," he
 
 THE JOY OF BATTLE 63 
 
 said, "the great D'Arcy. My father knew him 
 well. Were you?" 
 
 "Er yes." 
 
 " My word ! " Hughie's eyes blazed at the men- 
 tion of the name, which, uttered anywhere along 
 the waterside between Putney Bridge and Henley, 
 still rouses young oarsmen to respectful dreams 
 of distant emulation and middle-aged coaches to 
 floods of unreliable reminiscence. " He must have 
 been a wonder in his time. Did you know him 
 well ? What sort of chap was he ?" 
 
 " Well you see I am D'Arcy," replied the 
 stranger apologetically. 
 
 After that he gave Hughie advice about the 
 coming race. 
 
 "I have watched the All Saints crew for three 
 nights now," he said. "They are a fine lot, and 
 beautifully together; but it is my opinion that 
 they can't last." 
 
 "They're a bit too sure of themselves," said 
 Hughie. "Too many Blues in the boat." 
 
 " How many ?" 
 
 "Four. Seven, Six, Five, and Bow." 
 
 "Good! They are probably labouring under 
 the delusion that a boat with four Blues in it is 
 four times as good as a boat with one Blue in it. 
 Consequently they have n't trained very hard, 
 especially those two fat men in the middle of the 
 boat. What about their Stroke ? "
 
 64 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 "Pretty enough, but a rotter when it comes to 
 the pinch." 
 
 "Good again! Well, these fellows have not 
 once been extended during the races, for you 
 gave them no sort of a run last night. You went 
 to bits at the start and never quite recovered. 
 However, that will give All Saints some false 
 confidence, which is just what we want. Now 
 what do you propose to do to-night? Jump on 
 to their tails at the start?" 
 
 "No good," said Hughie. "They are too old 
 birds for that game. Besides, my crew want very 
 carefully working up to a fast stroke. I can't 
 trust Six at anything above thirty-four. He'll 
 go on rowing that all day; but if I quicken up 
 to thirty-six or seven he gets flustered, and forty 
 sends him clean off his nut after about a minute. 
 No, we must just wear them down." 
 
 " Quite right," said D'Arcy. " If you are within 
 a length at the Railway Bridge you ought just 
 to do it." 
 
 "The difficulty is," said Hughie ruefully, "that 
 the crew are only good for about one spurt. It's 
 a good spurt, I must say, but if it fails we are 
 done. They can never slow down to a steady 
 stroke again especially Six. So it simply has 
 to be made at the right moment. The difficulty 
 is to know when." 
 
 "Have you got a reliable cox?"
 
 THE JOY OF BATTLE 65 
 
 "First-class." 
 
 "Can't he tell you?" 
 
 " Too much row going on," said Hughie. " The 
 whole College will be on the towpath to-night." 
 
 The Reverend Montague D'Arcy plunged his 
 hand into the tail-pocket of his clerical frock-coat, 
 and produced therefrom a large-pattern service 
 revolver. 
 
 "Look here," he said. "You would be able to 
 hear this lethal weapon on the Day of Judgment 
 itself. Will you consent to take your time from 
 me?" 
 
 "Rather! Thank you, sir." There was no 
 doubting the sincerity of Hughie' s gratitude. 
 
 "Well," continued the clergyman briskly, "I 
 shall wait by the Railway Bridge, on the Barn- 
 well side, away from the towpath. If you have 
 made your bump before that you won't want me. 
 Well and good. But I don't think you will have 
 made it, and I don't advise you to try. For the 
 first half of the course those All Saints men will 
 match you stroke for stroke, and if you hustle 
 your heavy man at Six he will probably lose his 
 head. As you pass under the Railway Bridge 
 quicken slightly not more than two strokes 
 a minute, though. I have six shots in this re- 
 volver. When you hear two of them, that will 
 mean that you are getting within jumping dis- 
 tance and must be ready for the spurt. When you
 
 66 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 hear the remaining four in quick succession you 
 must simply swing out and put the very last ounce 
 of your blood and bones and bodies and souls 
 into it. And if you catch 'em," concluded the 
 reverend gentleman, "by gad! I'll dance the 
 Cachuca on the bank!" 
 
 By this time they had reached the spot where 
 their racing-shell sixty-two feet of flimsy cedar 
 wood was lying waiting for them. The rest of 
 the crew, already assembled, were standing about 
 in the attitudes of profound dejection or forced 
 hilarity which appear to be the only alternatives 
 of deportment open to men who are suffering 
 from what is expressively termed "the needle." 
 Some were whistling, others were yawning, and 
 all were wondering why on earth men took up 
 rowing as a pastime. 
 
 Hughie gathered his Argonauts into a knot, 
 and at his request the Reverend Montague D'Arcy 
 outlined to them the plan of campaign. Then 
 the crew embarked, and the stout clergyman 
 assisted the grizzled College boatman the only 
 person present whose nerves appeared unaffected 
 by the prevailing tension to push their craft 
 clear of the bank, and set them going on a half- 
 minute dash as a preliminary to their long paddle 
 down the course to the starting point of the race. 
 
 In accordance with a picturesque but peculiar 
 custom they wore in their straw hats bunches of
 
 THE JOY OF BATTLE 67 
 
 marigolds and corn-flowers the College colours 
 as an intimation that they had achieved 
 bumps during the preceding nights; and so be- 
 decked they paddled majestically down the Long 
 Reach, feeling extremely valorous and looking 
 slightly ridiculous, to challenge a comparison (in 
 which they were hopelessly outclassed from the 
 start) with the headgear of the assembled fair in 
 Ditton Paddock. 
 
 The method of sending off a bumping race is 
 the refinement of cruelty. 
 
 As each boat reaches its starting-post the crews 
 disembark and stand dismally about, listening to 
 the last exhortations of coaches or nervously eye- 
 ing the crew behind them. Presently an objec- 
 tionably loud piece of artillery, situated half-way 
 down the long line of boats, goes off with a roar. 
 This is called "first gun," and means chiefly that 
 there will be another in three minutes. The crew 
 mournfully denude themselves of a few more 
 articles of their already scanty wardrobe, which 
 they pile upon the shoulders of the perspiring 
 menial whose duty it is to convey the same to 
 the finishing-post, and crawl one by one into 
 their places in the boat. Finally, the coxswain 
 coils himself into his seat and takes both rudder- 
 lines in his left hand, leaving the right free to 
 grasp the end of the boat's last link with terra 
 firma, her starting-chain. Then the second gun
 
 68 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 goes, and the crew shudder and know that in 
 sixty seconds precisely they must start. 
 
 The ritual observed during the final minute is 
 complicated in the extreme, and varies directly 
 with the nervous system of the coach, who dances 
 upon the bank with a stop-watch in his hand, 
 to time the ministrations of the College boat- 
 man, who stands by with a long boat-hook ready 
 to prod the vessel into midstream. 
 
 " Fifteen seconds gone," says the coach. " Push 
 her out, Ben." 
 
 Ben complies, with a maddening but wise de- 
 liberation. If the boat is pushed out too promptly 
 the starting-chain will grow taut and tug the stern 
 of the boat inwards towards the bank, just when 
 her nose should be pointing straight upstream. 
 But this elementary truth does not occur to the 
 frenzied octette in the boat. The gun will go, and 
 bow-side will find their oar-blades still resting on 
 the towpath. They know it. 
 
 " Thirty seconds gone," says the coach. " Pad- 
 dle on gently, Bow and Two." 
 
 His object is to get the full advantage of the 
 length of the chain, but Bow and Two know 
 better. They are convinced that he merely de- 
 sires that they shall be caught at a disadvantage 
 when the gun fires. However, they paddle on as 
 requested, with a palsied stealthiness that sug- 
 gests musical chairs.
 
 THE JOY OF BATTLE 69 
 
 "Fifteen seconds left," says the coach. "Are 
 you straight, Cox ? Ten more sec " 
 
 Ah ! As usual the chain has drawn tight, and 
 the stern of the boat is being dragged inwards 
 again. 
 
 "Paddle on, Two!" yells the coxswain. 
 
 Two gives a couple of frenzied digs ; the Der- 
 vish with the watch, accompanied by a ragged 
 and inaccurate chorus all down the bank, chants 
 "Five, four, three, two "; there is a terrific 
 roar from the gun ; the coxswain drops the chain ; 
 the boatman slips the point of his boat-hook 
 (which, between ourselves, has been doing the 
 lion's share in keeping the ship's head straight) 
 from Five's rigger; and they are off. 
 
 The Benedictine crew got under way very un- 
 ostentatiously. Their coach was actually rowing 
 in the All Saints boat, and it would be difficult 
 to select a more glowing testimonial to the ster- 
 ling sportsmanship of English rowing, so the 
 starting operations were wisely left to the Col- 
 lege boatman, who had performed the office for 
 something like half a century. The flight of time 
 was recorded by Hughie himself, from the watch 
 which hung on his stretcher beside his right foot. 
 The experienced Mr. Dishart- Watson kept those 
 too-often fatally intimate acquaintances, the rud- 
 der-lines and starting-chain, tactfully apart, and 
 the St. Benedict's boat got off the mark with a
 
 70 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 start that brought her within a length of All 
 Saints during the first half-minute. 
 
 After that their opponents drew away. As 
 D'Arcy had said, they were a seasoned crew, and 
 nothing short of sheer superiority would wear 
 them down. The two boats swung round Grassy 
 Corner and entered the Plough Reach about their 
 distance apart. All Saints were rowing the faster 
 stroke. 
 
 Hughie, who was keeping to a steady thirty- 
 two, felt with satisfaction that the men behind 
 him were well together. Number Seven, small 
 but plucky, was setting bow-side a beautiful ex- 
 ample in steady swing and smart finish. Six 
 Mr. Puffin was rowing a great blade. To look 
 at him now, you would ask why he had not been 
 included in the University Crew. If you saw him 
 trying to row forty to the minute, you would 
 marvel that he should be included in any crew 
 at all. 
 
 Five was not looking happy. He was lying 
 back too far and tugging at the finish. To him 
 the boat seemed heavier than usual, for he was 
 just beginning to realise the difference between 
 seconding the efforts of Hughie Marrable and 
 those of Mr. Buncombe. Still, he was plugging 
 gamely. Four, a painstaking person, was encour- 
 aging himself in a fashion entirely his own. 
 After every stroke, as he sat up and swung for-
 
 THE JOY OF BATTLE 71 
 
 ward, he gasped out some little sotto voce remark 
 to himself, such as, " Oh, well rowed, Four ! 
 Stick to it, Four ! Use your legs, old man ! 
 That's better! That's a beauty! Oh, well 
 rowed, Four!" And so on. Where he got the 
 necessary breath for these exercises nobody knew ; 
 but some folk possess these little peculiarities, 
 and row none the worse for them. Bow was an- 
 other instance. He was a chirpy but eccentric in- 
 dividual, and used to sing to himself some little 
 ditty of the moment or possibly a hymn all 
 through a race, beginning with the first stroke 
 and ending exactly, if possible, with the last. 
 He had been known, when stroking a boat, to 
 quicken up to a perfectly incredible rate simply 
 because he feared that the song would end before 
 he completed the course, a contingency which he 
 regarded as unlucky in the extreme. On the 
 other hand, he would become quite depressed if 
 he had to stop in the middle of a verse, and he 
 was quite capable of rowing rallentando if he de- 
 sired to synchronise his two conclusions. 
 
 But few people have the time or inclination for 
 these diversions while oscillating upon a sixteen- 
 inch slide, and the rest of the crew were swing- 
 ing at and plugging in grim silence. 
 
 The two boats swept into the roaring medley 
 of Ditton Corner. They flashed past the row of 
 piles and tethered punts amid a hurricane of
 
 72 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 shouts and waving handkerchiefs. Hughie, wrong- 
 fully exercising his privilege as Stroke, allowed his 
 eyes to slide to the right for a moment. He had 
 a fleeting glimpse of the crimson and excited 
 countenance of Miss Gaymer, as some man held 
 her aloft in the crowd. Then the boat gave a 
 slight lurch, and Joey was swallowed up again. 
 Hughie felt guiltily responsible for the lurch, 
 and recalling his gaze into the proper channel 
 straight over the coxswain's right shoulder 
 swung out again long and steadily. 
 
 "Are we straight yet?" he gasped to Dishy. 
 
 "Yes just." 
 
 "Tell 'em to reach out a bit." 
 
 Mr. Watson complied, in tones that rose high 
 above the tumult on the bank and penetrated 
 even into the harmonious soul of Bow, who was 
 grappling with a difficult cadenza at the moment. 
 
 "Six good ones!" said Hughie, next time his 
 face swung up towards the coxswain's. 
 
 " Now, you men, six good ones !" echoed Dishy. 
 "One! Two! Five, you 're late! Three! Four! 
 Five 1 Bow, get hold of it ! Six I Oh, well rowed ! " 
 
 There was a delighted roar from the bank. 
 The Benedictine crew were together again after 
 the unsteadiness round Ditton. 
 
 "How far?" signalled Hughie's lips. 
 
 "Length and a half," replied Cox. 
 "Less," he added, peering ahead.
 
 THE JOY OF BATTLE 73 
 
 They were half-way up the Long Reach now. 
 In another minute or two they would be at the 
 Railway Bridge, beyond which hard-pressed boats 
 are popularly supposed to be safe. 
 
 "Tell 'em going quicken," gurgled Hughie, 
 "if can." 
 
 Cox nodded, rather doubtfully, and Hughie 
 ground his teeth. If only this accursed noise on 
 the bank would cease, even for five seconds, 
 Dishy would get a chance to make the crew hear. 
 As it was, the ever- increasing crowd, rolling up 
 fresh adherents like a snowball, made that feat 
 almost an impossibility. 
 
 But the coxswain was a man of experience and 
 resource. Just as the boat passed under the Rail- 
 way Bridge itself there was a momentary silence, 
 for the crew were shut off from their supporters 
 by some intervening balks of timber. Dishy 
 seized the opportunity. 
 
 " Be ready to quicken," he yelled. " Now ! Oh, 
 well done!" 
 
 The crew had heard him, and what was more, 
 they had obeyed him. Stroke in the All Saints 
 boat suddenly realised that the oncoming foe had 
 quickened to thirty-five or six, and that the inter- 
 val between the two boats had shrunk to some- 
 thing under a length. He spurted in his turn, 
 and his men spurted with him, but their length 
 of stroke grew proportionately shorter, and the
 
 74 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 pace of the boat did not increase. St. Benedict's 
 were holding their advantage. 
 
 "Half a length," said Dishy, in response to 
 an agonised interrogation from Hughie's right 
 eyebrow. 
 
 Suddenly above the tumult there rang out two 
 reverberating revolver-shots. A stout clergyman, 
 whooping like a Choctaw, was tearing along the 
 right bank of the river, which was practically 
 clear of spectators, with his weapon smoking in 
 his hand. Dishy's voice rose to a scream. 
 
 "Look out be ready! Only six feet!" 
 
 And now the musical gentleman who was 
 rowing bow felt the boat lift unsteadily under 
 him. A wave rolled across the canvas decking 
 behind him, and he felt a splash of water on his 
 back. 
 
 " Washing us off !" was his comment. " Glory, 
 glory! Another verse '11 do it. Now then, all 
 together, 
 
 "What though the spicy breezes 
 Blow soft o'er Ceylon's " 
 
 Bang! bang! bang! bang! 
 
 The great service revolver rang out. The nose 
 of the Benedictine boat, half submerged in a 
 boiling flood, suddenly sprang to within three 
 feet of the All Saints rudder. 
 
 "Now, you men!" Mr. Dishart- Watson's 
 wizened and saturnine countenance shrank sud-
 
 THE JOY OF BATTLE 75 
 
 denly and alarmingly to a mere rim surrounding 
 his mouth. " Just ten more ! One two " 
 
 Like St. Francis of Assisi, "Of all his body he 
 made a tongue." He counted the strokes in tones 
 that overtopped all the roars of encouragement 
 and apprehension arising from the now hope- 
 lessly mixed-up mob of Benedictine and All Saints 
 men that raged alongside. Hughie Marrable 
 quickened and quickened, and his crew responded 
 sturdily. Faster and faster grew the stroke, and 
 more and more pertinaciously did the nose of the 
 Benedictine boat plough its way through the tur- 
 bid waves emitted by the twitching rudder in 
 front. Never had they travelled like this. Six 
 was rowing like a man possessed. Four had ceased 
 to encourage himself, and was plugging auto- 
 matically with his chest open and his eyes shut. 
 Bow may or may not have been singing : he was 
 certainly rowing. There was a world of rolling 
 and splashing, for the All Saints coxswain was 
 manipulating his rudder very skilfully, and ever 
 and again the aggressive nose of the Benedictine 
 boat was sent staggering back by a rolling buffet- 
 ing wave. But there was no stopping the Bene- 
 dictines. 
 
 Suddenly Dishy gave vent to a final cataclys- 
 mic bellow. 
 
 "You're overlapping!" 
 
 They were almost at Charon's Grind. The cox-
 
 76 STUFF THAT WILL NOT ENDURE 
 
 swain's lank body stiffened in its little seat, and 
 Hughie saw him lean hard over and haul on to 
 the right-hand rudder- line. 
 
 " Last three strokes ! Now, you devils ! Plug! 
 plug! pi Aa a ee ooh ee easy all ! 
 Oh, well rowed, well rowed, well rowed!" 
 
 There was a lurch and a bump. 
 
 " Done it ! ' Bows down to wood and stone? ' 
 gasped Bow. 
 
 The eight men let go their oars and tumbled 
 forward on to their stretchers, and listened, with 
 their heads and hearts bursting, to the din that 
 raged on the bank. 
 
 It was a fine confused moment. 
 
 In the boat itself Cox was vainly endeavouring 
 to shake hands with Stroke, who lay doubled up 
 over his oar, with his head right down on the 
 bottom of the boat, oblivious to everything save 
 the blessed fact that he need not row any more. 
 Consciousness that he had taken his crew to the 
 Head of the River was yet to come. At the other 
 end Bow, with his head clasped between his knees, 
 was croaking half-hysterically to himself, "Two 
 bars too soon, Hughie ! Oh, my aunt, we've gone 
 Head! Two bars too soon!" 
 
 On the towpath every one was shouting and 
 shaking hands with indiscriminate bonhomie, 
 this was one of those occasions upon which even 
 the ranks of Tuscany could scarce forbear to
 
 THE JOY OF BATTLE 77 
 
 cheer, and everybody, with one exception, 
 seemed to be ringing a bell or blowing a trumpet. 
 The exception was supplied by a trio of young 
 gentlemen, two of whom held an enormous 
 Chinese gong suspended between them, while a 
 third smote the same unceasingly with a mallet, 
 and cried aloud the name of Marrable. It must 
 be recorded here, to his honour, that the smiter 
 bore upon his forehead an enormous and highly 
 coloured bruise, suggestive of sudden contact 
 with, say, a bedroom-door. 
 
 On the opposite bank of the river, a stout, 
 middle-aged, and apparently demented Clerk in 
 Holy Orders was dancing the Cachuca.
 
 BOOK TWO 
 
 FORTITER IN RE
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 
 
 IF all good Americans go to Paris when they 
 die, it may safely be predicted that all the bad 
 ones will be booked through to Coney Island. 
 
 So much may be inferred from the regularity 
 and zeal with which the Toughs, Hoboes, Bowery 
 Boys, and other fearful wildfowl of the New York 
 proletariat, accompanied by the corresponding 
 females of the species, betake themselves every 
 Sabbath by trolley-car or steamer to this haunt 
 of ancient peace (which, by the way, is not to all 
 appearances an island and harbours no conies) . 
 
 Take Margate and Douglas and Blackpool, and 
 pile them into an untidy heap ; throw in a dozen 
 Fun-Cities from Olympia and half a score of 
 World's Fairs from the Agricultural Hall ; add 
 some of the less reputable features of Earl's Court 
 and Neuilly Fair; include a race-course of the 
 baser sort; case the whole in wood, and people 
 it with sallow gentlemen in striped jerseys arid 
 ladies answering exclusively to such names as 
 Hattie, Sadie, and Mamie, reared up apparently 
 upon an exclusive diet of peanuts and clam- 
 chowder; keep the whole multitude duly con-
 
 82 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 trolled and disciplined by a police force which, if 
 appearances go for anything, has been recruited 
 entirely from the criminal classes; and you will 
 be able faintly to realise what Coney Island can 
 do when it tries on a fine Sunday in summer. 
 
 So thought Hughie Marrable. He had been 
 wandering round the world for nine years now; 
 but not even a previous acquaintance with the 
 Devil Dancers of Ceylon, the unhallowed revels 
 of Port Said, or the refinements of a Central 
 African Witch- Hunt (with full tom-tom accom- 
 paniment), had quite prepared him for this. 
 Still, it was part and parcel of Life, and Life was 
 what he had left England to see. 
 
 He had arrived in New York from San Fran- 
 cisco two days ago. But let it not be imag- 
 ined that he had been conveyed thither by any 
 Grand-Trunk-Ocean-to-Ocean-Limited, or other 
 refinement of an effete modernity. His transcon- 
 tinental journey had occupied just three years. 
 Since the day on which he steamed through the 
 Golden Gate on a tramp-freighter from Yoko- 
 hama he had been working his way eastward by 
 easy stages, acquiring experience (as Jimmy Mar- 
 rable had directed) of the manner in which the 
 other half of the world lives. Incidentally he had 
 mixed cocktails behind a Nevada bar ; learned to 
 fire a revolver without taking it out of his pocket; 
 accompanied a freight train over the Rockies in
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 83 
 
 the capacity of assistant brakeman his duties 
 being chiefly confined to standing by with a 
 coupling-pin, to discourage the enterprise of those 
 gentlemen of the road who proposed to travel 
 without tickets; and once, in a Southern State, 
 he had been privileged to be present at that en- 
 nobling spectacle to which the brightest nation 
 on earth occasionally treats the representatives 
 of an older civilisation the lynching of a negro. 
 
 In a few days Hughie would sail for England, 
 on board the mighty Apulia. It was not often 
 that he travelled in such ostentatious luxury : the 
 primitive man in him leaned towards something 
 damp and precarious on board a sailing-ship or a 
 collier ; but he happened to know that the Apulia 
 intended going for the ocean record this trip ; and 
 since the third engineer happened to be a friend 
 of his, Hughie had decided that four-and-a-half 
 days and nights down among the humming tur- 
 bines and the spirits that controlled them would 
 be cheap at the price of an expensively uphol- 
 stered state-room many decks above, in which 
 he would leave his baggage and occasionally sleep. 
 
 For all that he had cast a regretful eye only 
 that very morning on a battered little tramp- 
 steamer which was loading up with cargo along- 
 side a wharf at Hoboken due to sail for Europe, 
 so a stevedore told him, in about two days' time. 
 
 To-morrow he was to be taken yachting in
 
 84 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 New York harbour by an old P. and O. acquaint- 
 ance, whom he had faithfully "looked up," in 
 accordance with a two-year-old promise, at his 
 city office that morning. In the evening, at the 
 invitation of an American actor to whom he had 
 once been of service in Calcutta, he was to dine 
 at the Lambs' Club, the New York equivalent 
 of the Garrick and Green Room, with a dash of 
 the Eccentric thrown in, and the next day he 
 was to pay a flying visit to Atlantic City. 
 
 Meanwhile he was putting in a few off-hours 
 at Coney Island. He had watched the islanders 
 bathing, had witnessed a display of highly not 
 to say epileptically Animated Pictures, had 
 spent half-an-hour in an open cafe-chantant, where 
 a bevy of tired-looking girls in short skirts pranced 
 about with mechanical abandon at the back of the 
 small stage, shouting the chorus of a ditty which 
 a wheezy lady (who looked like the mother of all 
 chorus-girls) was singing at the front; and had 
 declined a pressing invitation from the keeper of 
 an Anatomical Museum to step inside and " have 
 a dollar's worth for a dime." 
 
 Finally he drifted into a small theatre, where a 
 melodrama of distinctly British flavour (seasoned 
 to the Coney Island palate by a few distinctly 
 local interpolations) was unfolding itself to a 
 closely packed and hard-breathing audience. 
 
 To judge from the state of the atmosphere the
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 85 
 
 entertainment had been in progress for some time. 
 As Hughie took his seat the curtain rose on a 
 moonlit military scene. Figures wrapped in great- 
 coats sat round a camp-fire on the audience's 
 right hand, the only plainly recognisable character 
 being the Heroine, who, attired as a hospital nurse 
 and positively starred with red crosses, was sew- 
 ing aloofly upon an erection which looked like a 
 sarcophagus, but was marked in plain figures 
 " Ambulence." A sentry, who from his gait 
 Hughie took (rightly) to be the Comic Man, was 
 pacing up and down at the back. 
 
 Presently the guard was changed, with much 
 saluting of a pattern unknown at any War Office, 
 and the Comic Man, released from duty, was 
 called upon to sing " that dear ole song you useter 
 sing at 'ome." The cold light of the moon having 
 been temporarily replaced by broad daylight in 
 order to give the singer's facial expression full 
 play, he obliged; though why any one who had 
 heard him sing the song before should have 
 asked him to sing it again passed Hughie's com- 
 prehension. Next a drummer-boy (female) was 
 called upon by the company, and after a great 
 exhibition of reluctance, fully justified by her 
 subsequent performance, gave vent to a pa- 
 triotic ditty, in which the only distinguishable 
 rhymes were "Black Watch" and "Scotch." 
 
 These revels brought the Hero on to the stage.
 
 86 FORT1TER IN RE 
 
 He was attired in clerical dress and a cavalry 
 helmet; and, sitting down beside the Heroine 
 upon the sarcophagus, he proceeded, oblivious 
 of the presence of the entire guard, who were 
 huddled round the fire not more than five feet 
 away, to make her a proposal of marriage ; quot- 
 ing Scripture to some purpose, and extorting a 
 demure affirmative from the lady just before the 
 Comic Man, who had obviously been lamenting 
 that the success of the piece should be imperilled 
 by such stuff as this, upset the soup-kettle, and so 
 gave a fresh turn to the proceedings. 
 
 All this time Hughie had been conscious of an 
 increasing feeling of curiosity as to the identity 
 of the only member of the glee-party round the 
 fire who so far had made no contribution to the 
 entertainment. He darkly suspected him of being 
 the Villain, though what the Villain should be 
 doing unrecognised at such a period of the play 
 it was about the third act was hard to under- 
 stand. However, the mystery was now cleared 
 up by a French vivandiere by this time it was 
 plain that the scene was laid in the Crimea who 
 called upon the mysterious one, in the accents 
 of Stratford-atte-Bowe, for a song and dance. 
 No reply being forthcoming, the entire company 
 (precipitately, but quite correctly, as it happened) 
 rose up and denounced the stranger as a Russian 
 and a spy. They had only themselves to blame
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 87 
 
 for his presence, for apparently he had strolled up 
 and joined the party quite promiscuously; and 
 no one had thought, so far, of asking him who he 
 was or even of addressing him. 
 
 The audience now sat up expectantly. But 
 instead of taking the spy prisoner and shooting 
 him on sight, the guard hurried off R.TJ.E. 
 possibly to bring up their big guns or find a po- 
 liceman. These deplorable tactics did not meet 
 with the reward they deserved, for the Villain, 
 instead of bolting off L. as fast as he could, lin- 
 gered upon the stage to tell the audience that he 
 had come back to have one more go at the Hero. 
 (Goodness knows how many he had had !) The 
 Hero obligingly appeared at that moment, and 
 a section (whose numbers appeared to increase as 
 the play proceeded) of the audience shouted to 
 the Villain to cut in and do it now. But portent- 
 ous trampings "off" announced the return of the 
 glee-party, and the Villain, finding that he could 
 not execute his perfectly justifiable design with- 
 out considerable danger to his own person, and 
 was in fact in a particularly tight place himself, 
 suddenly appealed (with considerable "nerve," 
 it seemed to Hughie) to the Hero, as a Cleric, to 
 save him. The Hero (who was evidently a fool 
 as well as a bore) immediately complied. "You 
 must take upon you my identity," he remarked. 
 In a twinkling they had exchanged great-coats,
 
 88 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 and the Villain was now by all the laws of Melo- 
 drama completely disguised as the Hero. He 
 dashed off L., just as a perfect avalanche of 
 people, who had been faithfully and increasingly 
 marking time in the wings, poured on to the stage 
 R., and endeavoured almost to poke their rifles 
 into the Hero's breast. But just as a nervous 
 female in the audience, apprehensive about the 
 sudden discharge of firearms, convulsively gripped 
 Hughie's left elbow, the Heroine dashed on from 
 nowhere, and taking her stand before the Hero 
 apparently she was the only person upon the 
 stage who recognised him uttered these thrill- 
 ing but mysterious words : " You kennot far erpon 
 ther Red Kerawss!" 
 
 Curtain, amid thunders of applause. 
 
 After a commendably short interval the cur- 
 tain rose upon the next act. The Hero was now 
 discovered asleep (under what must have struck 
 any thoughtful member of the audience as highly 
 compromising circumstances for a clergyman) in 
 the cottage of a stout lady in a very short skirt 
 and fur-topped boots ; whom, from the fact that 
 her opening soliloquy commenced with the words, 
 "Har, veil !" the audience rightly adjudged to be 
 a Russian. This lady, it was soon plain, was 
 consumed by a secret passion, for the Hero. In 
 fact she proclaimed it in such strident tones that 
 it was surprising that its object did not wake up.
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 89 
 
 This scene soon resolved itself into a series of 
 determined efforts on the part of the Villain to 
 terminate the existence of the Hero an enter- 
 prise in which he by this time commanded the 
 whole-hearted support of the greater part of the 
 audience. His first attempt was foiled by the 
 Comic Man, who entered singing " Keep the baby 
 warm, Mother!" just as he had crawled within 
 striking distance of the unwakeable Hero. Mut- 
 tering curses, the unfortunate man announced his 
 intention of retiring "to the woods," pending an- 
 other opportunity. But he had no luck. Just as 
 the Comic Man performed a humorous exit 
 through the window, the stout lady most of 
 the other characters, by the way, addressed her 
 as "Tinker": possibly her name was Katinka 
 came in through the door, filled with the fore- 
 bodings of what she called "loove." Her subse- 
 quent course of action could certainly only have 
 been condoned on the plea of emotional insan- 
 ity. She unceremoniously bundled the Hero out 
 of bed fortunately he had gone there in his 
 boots and sent him off on a transparent wild- 
 goose chase to the "trenches." Then she got into 
 bed herself, and when the Villain came crawling 
 back from "the woods," brandishing his knife in 
 the limelight, the audience were treated to a sort 
 of up-to-date rendering of "Little Red Riding 
 Hood," the part of the Wolf being sustained by
 
 90 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 Katinka, and that of Red Riding Hood by the 
 now hopelessly demoralised Villain, who was once 
 more chased back to his arboreal lurking-place 
 with the muzzle of a revolver in the small of his 
 back. 
 
 In the next and final act the Villain made a 
 supreme effort. He began by slaying the drum- 
 mer-boy, presumably to keep his hand in, 
 but on going through his victim's pockets in 
 search of certain "despatches" which that youth- 
 ful hero had undertaken to carry through the 
 Russian lines, where to, heaven knows ! 
 the unfortunate man discovered a locket, which 
 instantly revealed to him the surprising, but none 
 the less distressing, intelligence that he had slain 
 his own son. His anguish was pitiful to behold, 
 and when the Hero came on and began to rub 
 it in by further excerpts from the Scriptures, the 
 audience to a man decided that if the Villain 
 brought it off this time no jury would convict, 
 but that he would be bound over at the most. 
 He certainly set about the business with more 
 gumption than usual. Waiting until the Hero 
 was well launched into "Secondly," with the 
 limelight full in his eyes, he once more produced 
 the glittering knife. Suddenly the ubiquitous 
 Katinka dashed on, and in the most unsports- 
 manlike manner shot the Villain in the small of 
 the back, at a range of about eighteen inches. He
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 91 
 
 dropped dead across the body of his son (which 
 must have hurt that infant prodigy very much). 
 All the other characters sidled on from the wings 
 and formed a grand concluding tableau, the Hero, 
 egregious to the last and entwined in a stained- 
 glass attitude with the Hospital Nurse, pronoun- 
 cing a sort of benediction as the curtain fell. 
 
 " Does n't this remind you of the Drama as it 
 used to be dished up to the undergraduates in 
 the old Barn at Cambridge ?" remarked a voice. 
 
 Hughie turned to the speaker. He found beside 
 him a man of about thirty, with a fair moustache, 
 which half hid a weak but amiable mouth and a 
 receding chin. He was dressed in the thick blue 
 shore-going garments of the seaman, but he 
 looked too slight for an A.B. and too clean for a 
 fireman. 
 
 " Deck-hand," said Hughie to himself. " Gentle- 
 man once no, still !" 
 
 "Hallo !" he replied. "You seem to know me. 
 Forgive me if I ought to know you, but I can't 
 fix you at present. Odd thing, too, because I 
 don't often forget a face." 
 
 "I was up at Cambridge in your time," said 
 the man. 
 
 "Not Benedict's?" 
 
 " No Trinity. I was sent down ultimately. 
 But I knew you well by sight. Often saw you in the 
 boat, and so on. You're Marrable, aren't you ?"
 
 92 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 "Yes. Were you a rowing man ?" 
 
 "No. I hunted with the Drag and rode at 
 Cottenham in those days." He glanced philo- 
 sophically at his present attire. 
 
 "Come and have something," said Hughie. 
 
 The man interested him. He might, of course, 
 be a mere long-shore shark on the make, or he 
 might be what he looked a good-hearted, well- 
 born waster an incorrigible but contented fail- 
 ure. Anyhow, five minutes over a friendly glass 
 would probably settle the question. 
 
 "I wonder if it's possible to obtain a decent 
 British drink in this clam-ridden hole," Hughie 
 continued. 
 
 " The nearest thing to a product of the British 
 Empire that you'll get here," said the man, "is 
 Canadian Club whisky ; and personally I would 
 rather drink nitric acid. We had better stick to 
 lager. Come along: I know the ropes." 
 
 Presently they found themselves in a German 
 beer saloon, where a stertorous Teuton supplied 
 their needs. 
 
 "By the way," said the man, "I have the ad- 
 vantage of you. My name is Allerton. Sorry I 
 forgot!" 
 
 "Thanks," said Hughie, rather lamely. "Are 
 you living out here just now?" 
 
 " No," said Allerton simply. " I 'm a deck-hand 
 on a tramp-steamer." He spoke easily and freely,
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 93 
 
 as one gentleman to another. He had realised 
 at a glance that he was not about to be made the 
 victim of offensive curiosity or misplaced char- 
 ity. "She's lying at Hoboken, due out on Tues- 
 day, for Bordeaux." 
 
 "French boat?" 
 
 "No. American owned, under the British flag, 
 by a fairly competent rascal, too. This trip we 
 are carrying a cargo of Californian wine of sorts. 
 We took it last week from a sailing barque that 
 had brought it round the Horn. She wanted to 
 start back at once, so turned it over to us 
 cheap." 
 
 "And you're going to Bordeaux ? What does 
 your astute owner want to take coals to New- 
 castle for?" 
 
 "Because everything that comes out of New- 
 castle is labelled coal whether it is coal or not. 
 In other words, this poison will be carried by us 
 to Bordeaux, bottled and sealed, and shipped to 
 England as fine vintage Burgundy. John Bull 
 will drink it and feel none the worse. I'm told 
 it's a paying trade." 
 
 "I wish I were going in your boat," said 
 Hughie, rather regretfully. "I'm booked by the 
 Apulia." 
 
 " Well, look out for the Orinoco on your second 
 day out." 
 
 " The Orinoco ? I remember seeing her at
 
 9J FORTITER IN RE 
 
 Hoboken to-day, and wishing I could make the 
 trip on her." 
 
 "I doubt if you'd be of the same opinion after 
 trying conclusions with Mr. James Gates, our 
 first * greaser,'" replied Allerton. "Still, I don't 
 know," he continued, regarding Hughie's brawny 
 form reflectively. "I don't believe he could put 
 the fear of death into you the way he does into 
 most of us. You've knocked about a bit in your 
 time, I dare say, only with more success than I. 
 Perhaps you were n't born with holes in all your 
 pockets." 
 
 "I say," said Hughie rather diffidently, it is 
 difficult to confer a favour upon a man who is 
 down without offending him, " will you dine 
 with me ? Or sup, as it's getting late ?" 
 
 "I shall be charmed," said the deck-hand. 
 " Shall I show you a place ? I know quite a com- 
 fortable establishment close by here." 
 
 Hughie said "Righto!" and presently they 
 found themselves in the place of entertainment 
 selected by Allerton. Most of the room was oc- 
 cupied by small tables, at which various couples 
 were eating and drinking. At one end was a 
 platform, upon which an intermittent sort of va- 
 riety entertainment was in progress. 
 
 On the floor at the foot of the platform was 
 a piano. At the piano sat a girl, who accompa- 
 nied the performers and bridged over the gaps in
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 95 
 
 the programme by selections from the less re- 
 strained works of American Masters of Music. 
 Not far from the stage an unhealthy- looking 
 youth was presiding over a bar. The atmosphere 
 was something between that of a smoking-concert, 
 and Baker Street Station in the days of the old 
 Underground. 
 
 Allerton's lazy nonchalance lasted until the first 
 course was set before him by a smiling blacka- 
 moor, and then, with a half-apologetic aside to 
 his host on the subject of his last meal, he fell 
 upon the fare in a manner which brought very 
 vividly home to Hughie's intelligence the differ- 
 ence between an amateur casual like himself, 
 with money enough in his pocket to make it pos- 
 sible to knock off when he tired of the game, and 
 the genuine article. He was not hungry, having 
 in fact dined a couple of hours before ; but he did 
 his best by tactful pecking to conceal the fact 
 from his guest. Still, even after he had ordered 
 some wine and duly inspected the cork, he had a 
 good deal of time to look about him. 
 
 Presently his attention began to concentrate 
 itself upon the girl at the piano. She was sitting 
 quite near him, and Hughie, always respectfully 
 appreciative where a pretty face was concerned, 
 his wanderings, though they had made him 
 more than ever a master of men, had done little 
 to eradicate his innate attitude of quiet, deter-
 
 96 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 mined, and occasionally quite undeserved rever- 
 ence towards women, had time to notice the 
 un-American freshness of her colouring, the re- 
 gularity of her profile, and the prettiness of her 
 hair. He also observed that the foot which rested 
 upon the pedal of the piano was small and shapely. 
 She was quietly dressed, in a dark-blue serge 
 skirt and a white silk blouse or " shirtwaist," 
 to employ the mysterious local designation with 
 short sleeves. She had round arms and good hands. 
 
 Hughie wondered what she was doing in a place 
 like this, and, young-man-like, felt vaguely un- 
 happy on her behalf; but experienced a truly 
 British feeling of relief (mingled with slight dis- 
 appointment) on observing that she wore a wed- 
 ding-ring. He waxed sentimental. Who was her 
 husband ? he wondered. He hoped it was not the 
 proprietor of the establishment, a greasy in- 
 dividual of Semitic appearance, who occasionally 
 found leisure, in the intervals between announcing 
 the "turns" and calling the attention of patrons 
 to the exceptional resources of the bar, to walk 
 across the room and paw the girl affectionately 
 on the shoulder while giving her some direction 
 as to the music, nor yet the scorbutic young 
 man behind the bar. 
 
 His meditations were interrupted by Allerton. 
 
 " Marrable, eyes front ! And fill up your glass. 
 Hang it, drink fair!"
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 97 
 
 Hughie turned and regarded his guest. The 
 greater part of a magnum of vitriolic champagne 
 had disappeared down that gentleman's throat. 
 His eye had brightened, and now twinkled face- 
 tiously as he surveyed first Hughie and then the 
 girl at the piano. 
 
 " Une petite piece de tout droit eh, what ?" he 
 remarked. 
 
 Hughie, beginning to understand why his com- 
 panion was now swabbing decks instead of ruling 
 ancestral acres, nodded shortly. 
 
 Allerton noticed his host's momentary distance 
 of manner, and leaned across the table with an 
 air of contrition. 
 
 "I'm afraid," he said apologetically, "that I'm 
 getting most infernally full. You see how it is 
 with me, don't you ? I'm that sort of bloke. Al- 
 ways have been, from a nipper. Thash That's 
 why I'm here. It's a pity. And the worst of it 
 is," he added, in a sudden burst of candour, " that 
 I'm going to get much fuller. It's a long time 
 since I tasted this." He touched his glass. "It 
 is n't served out on the Orinoco. Do you er 
 mind?" 
 
 Hughie, with a queer feeling of compassion, 
 smiled reassuringly, and ordered another bottle. 
 If Allerton was about to get drunk, he should get 
 drunk like a gentleman for once in a way. 
 
 Then his attention reverted to the piano.
 
 98 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 There had been a development. The girl was 
 mechanically playing one of the compositions of 
 that delicate weaver of subtle harmonies, Mr. 
 John Philip Sousa ; but she was not reading her 
 music. Her eyelids were resolutely lowered, as if 
 she wished to avoid seeing something. The reason 
 resolved itself into a gentleman who was leaning 
 over the front of the piano, gazing amorously 
 down upon the musician, and endeavouring, with 
 surprising success, to make himself heard above 
 one of the composer's most characteristic efforts. 
 
 Hughie looked him up and down. He was a 
 big man, powerfully built, with little pig's eyes 
 set close together, and a ponderous and vicious- 
 looking lower jaw. Was he her husband ? won- 
 dered the deeply interested Hughie. No : he was 
 too obviously endeavouring to make himself 
 agreeable. 
 
 " Marrable, my son," suddenly interpolated the 
 convivial but observant Allerton, "you're cut 
 out ! No use bidding against that customer. Do 
 you know who he is ?" 
 
 "No. Who?" 
 
 "That," replied the deck-hand with an air of 
 almost proprietary pride, "is Noddy Kinahan." 
 
 "Oh! And who may he be?" 
 
 " Gee ! (Sorry ! One picks up these rotten Yan- 
 kee expressions somehow.) I mean, I am surprised 
 you have n't heard of him. He's rather a big man
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 99 
 
 here. In fact, to be explish explicit," Mr. 
 Allerton was fast arriving at that stage of intoxi- 
 cation which cannot let well alone, but must 
 tempt Providence by dragging in unnecessarily 
 hard words, "he is my employer." 
 
 "Anything else." 
 
 "Political boss of sorts. Inter alia that's 
 good! I'm glad I remembered that. Inter alia 
 rhymes with Australia, does n't it? We'll make 
 up a Limerick on it some time let me see, 
 where was I ? Oh, yesh yes, I mean inter 
 alia, he owns the Orinoco and about a dozen 
 more mouldy old coffins; and very well he does 
 out of them, too ! Buys them cheap, and but 
 excuse further details at present, ole man. To tell 
 you the truth I'm getting so screwed that I'm 
 afraid of saying something that in my calmer mo- 
 ments I shall subsequently regret. A cigar? I 
 thank you. You're a white man, Marrable. 
 Chin chin!" 
 
 After this burst of discretion Mr. Allerton re- 
 turned to the joint worship of Bacchus and Vesta, 
 the difficulty which he experienced in keeping 
 the lighted end of the cigar out of his mouth in- 
 creasing as the evening advanced, but leaving 
 his cheerfulness unimpaired. His condition was 
 due not so much to the depths of his potations 
 as to the shallowness of his accommodation for 
 the same ; and strong- headed Hughie, as he sur-
 
 100 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 veyed the weak chin and receding forehead on 
 the other side of the table, mused not altogether 
 without envy upon the strange inequality of that 
 law of nature which decrees that what is a tooth- 
 ful for one man shall be a skinful for another and 
 an anaesthetic for a third. 
 
 He was recalled from these musings by the re- 
 membrance of the girl at the piano, and turned 
 to see what was happening now. 
 
 Mr. Noddy Kinahan was returning from an 
 expedition to the bar, carrying a bottle of cham- 
 pagne and a long tumbler. These accessories to 
 conviviality he placed on the top of the piano, 
 and departed on a second trip, returning shortly 
 with a wine-glassful of brandy. The girl, though 
 she probably observed more of his movements 
 than her low-drooping lashes would seem to al- 
 low, made no sign, but continued to play the rag- 
 time tune with a mechanical precision which 
 caused the tumbler on the top of the piano to tread 
 a lively and self-accompanied measure round its 
 more stolid and heavily weighted companion. 
 
 Mr. Kinahan next proceeded to pour himself 
 out a tumblerful of champagne, liberally lacing 
 the foaming liquid with brandy. Xhen, w Jth an 
 ingratiating gesture toward the shrinking girl, 
 he proceeded to swallow the mixture with every 
 appearance of enjoyment. 
 
 "King's peg!" commented Hughie to himself.
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 101 
 
 "Wonder how much of that he can stand? I'd 
 back him against friend Allerton, though, if it 
 came Hallo! The hound! This must stop!" 
 
 He half rose to his feet. Mr. Kinahan, having 
 satisfied his present needs, had refilled the tum- 
 bler with champagne, added the rest of the brandy, 
 and was now proffering the potion, in the self- 
 same vessel which he had just honoured with his 
 own august lips, to the girl at the piano. 
 
 The girl turned crimson and shook her head, 
 but kept on playing. 
 
 Noddy Kinahan was not accustomed to bestow 
 favours in vain. He walked round behind the 
 piano, and, taking the girl firmly by the shoulders 
 with his left arm, held the sizzling tumbler to her 
 lips. She uttered a strangled cry, left off playing, 
 and struggled frantically to seize the glass with 
 her hands. 
 
 Now Hughie Marrable had a healthy prejudice 
 in favour of minding his own business. He had 
 witnessed scenes of this description before, and 
 he knew that, place and company considered, the 
 girl at the piano was probably not unaccustomed 
 to accept refreshment at the hands of gentlemen, 
 even when the gentleman was half-drunk, the 
 hands dirty, and the refreshment (after allow- 
 ing a generous discount for spillings) sufficiently 
 potent to deprive any ordinary woman, within 
 ten minutes, of any sort of control over her own
 
 102 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 actions or behaviour. Moreover, Hughie had a 
 truly British horror of a scene. But 
 
 He was surprised to feel himself leap from his 
 chair and bound toward the piano. His surprise, 
 however, was nothing to that experienced a mo- 
 ment later by Mr. Noddy Kinahan, who, having 
 succeeded in pinning the desperately resisting 
 girl's arms to her sides, was now endeavouring 
 to prise her lips open with the edge of the tum- 
 bler. But there are slips even after the cup has 
 reached the lip. Just as success appeared to be 
 about to crown Mr. Kinahan's hospitable efforts, 
 a large and sinewy hand shot over his right shoul- 
 der and snatched away the glass, which it threw 
 under the piano. Simultaneously an unseen force 
 in the rear shook him till his teeth rattled, and 
 then, depressing his head to the level of the key- 
 board, began to play a lively if staccato tune 
 thereon with the point of Mr. Kinahan's rubicund 
 and fleshy nose. 
 
 These operations were more or less screened 
 from the public view by the body of the piano, 
 which was an "upright" of the cottage variety. 
 But the sudden cessation of "The Washington 
 Post" in favour of what sounded like "The Cat's 
 Polka" played by a baby with its feet, brought 
 the proprietor of the establishment hurrying 
 across the room. He arrived just in time to be 
 present at the conclusion of a florid chromatic
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 103 
 
 scale of about four octaves, executed under the 
 guidance of Hughie Marrable's heavy hand by 
 Mr. Kinahan's somewhat abraded nasal organ. 
 
 The instrumental part of the entertainment 
 now terminated in favour of a vocal interlude. 
 Hughie released his grip of Mr. Noddy Kinahan's 
 collar, and stood back a pace waiting for a rush. 
 He was confident that, given a clear floor and no 
 interference, he could offer his burly opponent a 
 lesson in manners which he would never forget. 
 
 But Mr. Kinahan, being a mover in high poli- 
 tical altitudes, was not in the habit of doing his 
 own dirty work. He reviled his opponent, it is 
 true, in terms which an expert could not but have 
 admitted were masterly, but it was obvious to 
 the unruffled Hughie that he was doing so chiefly 
 to keep his courage up and " save his face." There 
 was a cunning, calculating look in his piggy eyes 
 which did not quite fit in with the unrestrained 
 abandon of his utterances, and Hughie began to 
 realise that there are deeper schemes of retalia- 
 tion than mere assault and battery. 
 
 Once or twice Mr. Kinahan, in pausing for 
 breath, turned and looked over his shoulder to- 
 ward the curious crowd which was gathering be- 
 hind him. Presently Hughie noticed a couple of 
 "toughs" of the most uncompromisingly villain- 
 ous appearance advancing in a leisurely fashion 
 from a corner by the door, where they had been
 
 104 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 supping. They kept their eyes on Kinahan, as if 
 for an order. Evidently that great man never 
 took his walks abroad without his jackals. 
 
 Things were beginning to look serious. The 
 Hebraic proprietor, half crazy with fright at the 
 gratuitous advertisement which the fracas was 
 conferring upon his establishment, an adver- 
 tisement which was receiving a gratifying response 
 from an influx of curious sightseers, was fran- 
 tically begging people to go away. The girl, the 
 source (as ever !) of all the trouble, was still sit- 
 ting on the music-stool, trembling like a fluttered 
 bird, with Hughie, feeling slightly self-conscious, 
 standing over her. In the middle distance, Mr. 
 Allerton, gloriously oblivious to the ephemeral 
 and irrelevant disturbance around him, sat con- 
 tentedly before two empty bottles, endeavouring 
 with erratic fingers to adorn the lapel of his 
 blue pea-jacket with a silver-plated fork (the 
 property of the establishment), upon which he 
 had impaled a nodding banana of pantomimic 
 proportions. 
 
 Suddenly Hughie heard himself addressed in 
 casual tones by some one standing close behind 
 him. 
 
 "Say, Johnny Bull, you'd best get out of here, 
 right now. Skip ! Those two toughs of Noddy's 
 won't touch you till they get the word, but when 
 they do you'll be sorry. Get out this way, by
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 105 
 
 the side of the stage. It leads around to the back 
 door." 
 
 Having delivered himself of this undoubtedly 
 sound piece of advice, the unhealthy-looking 
 young gentleman from behind the bar picked up 
 the champagne bottle and broken glass, and 
 lounged back to his base of operations. 
 
 Hughie, realising the wisdom of his words, and 
 making a hasty note that one should never judge 
 even a mottle-faced bar-tender by his appearance, 
 reluctantly abandoned his half -projected scheme 
 of hurling Noddy Kinahan into the arms of his 
 two sinister supporters and then knocking their 
 collective heads together, and turned to the small 
 door behind him. Suddenly he caught sight of 
 the piano-girl. He paused and surveyed her 
 thoughtfully. 
 
 "You'd better come with me," he said. 
 
 Without a word, the girl rose and preceded 
 him to the door. Hughie opened it for her, and 
 they both passed through and hurried down a 
 narrow passage, which gave direct into the alley 
 at the back of the establishment. 
 
 Once outside, Hughie took the girl's arm and 
 fairly ran, never pausing till they reached the 
 brightly lighted sea-front. He had an idea that 
 a cheerful and crowded thoroughfare would prove 
 more salubrious than deserted and ill-lit byways. 
 
 Once clear of their late surroundings the two
 
 106 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 slackened pace, and Hughie surveyed his charge 
 with comical perplexity. 
 
 "Now what am I to do with you?" he in- 
 quired. 
 
 "Take me home," said the girl, sobbing. 
 
 Her pluck and fortitude, having brought her 
 dry-eyed through the worst of the conflict, had 
 now taken their usual leave of absence, and she 
 was indulging very properly in a few reactionary 
 and comforting tears. 
 
 "Where do you live?" asked Hughie. 
 
 "Brooklyn." 
 
 "That's a matter for a trolley-car. Come 
 along." 
 
 He took her arm again, rather diffidently this 
 time, his old masculine self-consciousness was 
 returning, and hurried off to what the Coney 
 Islanders call a "deepo." Here they ensconced 
 themselves in the corner of a fairly empty car, 
 and started on their twenty-mile run, via Sheeps- 
 head Bay and other delectable spots, to Brooklyn 
 Bridge. 
 
 As soon as the car started, Hughie turned to 
 his companion. 
 
 "Look here," he said bluntly. "1 know a lady 
 when I meet one. What were you doing in that 
 place at all? You are English, too." 
 
 "Yes. I can't blame you for wondering. I'll 
 tell you. I come from London. My father was
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 107 
 
 a small schoolmaster in Sydenham. He he was 
 unfortunate, and died three years ago, and I was 
 left alone in the world, with hardly two sixpences 
 to rub together. Just as things were looking 
 none too promising for me, I met and married" 
 she flushed proudly " one of the best men 
 that ever stepped Dennis Maclear. He is an 
 electrical engineer. We came out here together 
 to make our fortunes, and settled in New York. 
 We were beginning to do fairly well after a long 
 struggle, when one day Dennis crushed his left 
 arm and leg in a cog-wheel arrangement of some 
 kind, and for three months he has not been able 
 even to get out of bed without help. Bad luck, 
 was n't it ? He is getting better slowly, and some 
 day, the doctor says, he will be able to get about 
 again. But well, savings don't last for ever, 
 you know; so I " 
 
 "I see," said Hughie; "the upkeep of the es- 
 tablishment has devolved on you in the mean- 
 while?" 
 
 " Yes. Piano-playing is about the only accom- 
 plishment I possess. A girl friend of mine told me 
 she was giving up her billet at old Bercotti's, 
 and asked if I would like it. She would n't re- 
 commend it to most girls, she said, but perhaps 
 it would suit me all right, being married. I took 
 it ; but as you saw, my being married was n't 
 sufficient protection after all."
 
 108 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 She shuddered, for she was very young, and 
 badly shaken ; but presently she smiled bravely. 
 
 "What did you get?" asked Hughie. 
 
 "Dollar a night." 
 
 "It's not much." 
 
 "It's better than starvation," said practical 
 little Mrs. Maclear. 
 
 "And what are you going to do next ?" 
 
 "I'm not going back to old Bercotti's again 
 that's flat." 
 
 "Can you get another berth?" 
 
 " Well, if there happens to be anybody in this 
 simple and confiding country who is willing to 
 take on as accompanist or teacher a young woman 
 of shabby-genteel appearance, who is unable to 
 mention a single soul as a reference, and has no 
 character to show from her former employer it 
 ought to be easy!" said the girl. 
 
 Hughie regarded her reflectively. 
 
 "You take it well. I admire your pluck," he 
 said. 
 
 "A married woman with a husband to keep 
 has no time to worry about pluck," replied Mrs. 
 Maclear ; " she just has to do things. Besides, all 
 the pluck in the world can't save a woman when 
 Noddy Kinahan is about. If it had n't been for 
 you by the way, would you mind telling me 
 your name ? You know mine." 
 
 Hughie told her. Presently they left the trolley-
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 109 
 
 car anglice, electric-tram and struck off 
 down a street in Brooklyn. The girl turned in at 
 a doorway, and paused at the foot of a stair. 
 
 " Won't you come up and see my husband, Mr. 
 Marrable?" she said. "It's ten flights up, and 
 we don't run to an elevator ; but I know Dennis 
 would like to thank you himself." 
 
 Hughie had intended to refuse, he hated 
 being thanked as much as most matter-of-fact 
 people, but, a flash of unusual insight reveal- 
 ing to him the fact that the true object of the in- 
 vitation was not to exhibit him to the husband, 
 but to enable this proud little lady to exhibit her 
 husband to him, he felt reassured, and allowed 
 himself to be borne aloft to the Maclear eyrie. 
 Here a gigantic and impulsive son of Kerry, 
 gaunt and hollow-eyed through long bed-keeping, 
 wrung his hand in a manner which made him 
 feel glad he was not a refractory terminal, what 
 time Mrs. Maclear, in a sort of up-to-date version 
 of the song of Miriam, described Hughie' s glorious 
 triumph over Noddy Kinahan, laying special 
 stress upon the ecstatic period during which Mr. 
 Kinahan, at the instance of Hughie, had enacted 
 the part of a human pianola. 
 
 He left them at last, wondering in his heart, 
 as he tramped home under the stars to his hotel 
 in West Forty-Second Street, what the plucky 
 couple were going to live on during the next two
 
 110 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 or three months. The man was still practically 
 a cripple, he must have been badly mangled, 
 and it is hard work fighting for time in a coun- 
 try whose motto, as regards human as well as 
 other machinery, is : " Never repair ! Scrap, and 
 replace!" 
 
 Hughie had solved the problem to his satisfac- 
 tion by the time he crossed Brooklyn Bridge. 
 
 For the rest of the way home he thought of 
 other things. A bachelor, however ungregarious, 
 is at heart -a sentimental animal, and during his 
 walk Hughie was contemplating with his mind's 
 eye the picture that he had left behind him as 
 he said good-night, the picture of " a snug little 
 kingdom up ten pair of stairs," tenanted by a 
 little community of two, self-contained and self- 
 sufficient, dauntless in the face of grim want and 
 utter friendlessness, and, despite his own 
 health and wealth, he experienced a sudden feel- 
 ing of envy for the crippled and impecunious 
 Dennis Maclear. 
 
 "I suppose," he mused to himself, "it does n't 
 really matter how rotten a time you have in this 
 world so long as you have it in the right com- 
 pany." Then he added, apparently as a sort of 
 corollary: "By gad, when I get home next week, 
 I'll stay there!" 
 
 But, however carefully (or carelessly) we handle 
 the tiller on life's voyage, it is the little casual
 
 KNIGHT-ERRANTRY A LA MODE 111 
 
 currents and unexpected side winds that really 
 set our course for us. As Hughie rolled into bed 
 that night he reflected, rather regretfully, that 
 the incident of that evening was closed for ever. 
 He had definitely cut himself off from the Mac- 
 lears, at any rate, for the very simple reason that 
 he had just posted to them a hundred one-dollar 
 notes, as a temporary loan until their "ship came 
 in," carefully omitting to mention that his own 
 was due to go out in twenty-four hours, and giving 
 no address for purposes of repayment. 
 
 But for all that, the incident had definitely al- 
 tered his course for him, or at any rate was des- 
 tined to send him round by an alternative route.
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 
 
 HER most ardent admirers and they had 
 never been very numerous could hardly have 
 described the Orinoco as a rapid or up-to-date 
 vessel. She could average a fair eight knots in or- 
 dinary weather (except when the Chief Engineer 
 was not sober ; and then she had been known to 
 do as much as eleven), and she had faced with 
 tolerable credit seven strenuous years of North 
 Atlantic weather, winter and summer alike. But 
 she was no flier. 
 
 She had not always ploughed the ocean at the 
 behests of Mr. Noddy Kinahan, her present owner. 
 As a matter of fact, she dated back to the early 
 sixties. She had been built on the Clyde, in days 
 when people were not in such a hurry as they are 
 now, for steady and reliable cross-channel service 
 between Scotland and Ireland ; and the crinolined 
 young lady who had blushingly performed the 
 christening ceremony as the brand-new steamer 
 slipped down the ways had named her the Gare- 
 loch. 
 
 After fifteen years of honest buffeting between
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 113 
 
 the Kish and the Cloch the little Gareloch had 
 been pronounced too slow, and sold to the pro- 
 prietor of a line of coasting steamers which plied 
 between Cardiff and London. In this capacity, 
 with a different-coloured funnel and a slightly 
 decayed interior, she had served for nine years as 
 the Annie S. Holmes. After that an officious 
 gentleman from the Board of Trade happened to 
 notice the state of her boilers, and unhesitatingly 
 declined to renew her certificate until various 
 things were done which her present owner was not 
 in the habit of doing. Consequently she had lain 
 rusting in Southampton Water for six months, 
 until an astute Scot, who ran a sort of Dr. Bar- 
 nardo's home for steamers which had been aban- 
 doned by their original owners, stepped in and 
 bought her, at the rate of about a pound per ton ; 
 and having refitted her with some convenient 
 boilers which he had picked up at a sale, and 
 checked her fuel-consumption by reducing her 
 grate-area, set her going again in a humble but 
 remunerative way as a pig-boat between Limerick 
 and Glasgow. During this period of her career 
 she was known as the Blush Rose and prob- 
 ably smelt as sweet. 
 
 The maritime Dr. Barnardo sold her three years 
 later (at a profit) to a gentleman who required a 
 ship for some shady and mysterious operations 
 amid certain islands in the Southern Pacific. The
 
 114 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 nature of the poor Blush Rose's occupation may 
 be gathered from the fact that in the space of 
 three months she made those already tropical 
 regions too hot to hold her ; and, with her name 
 painted out, a repaired shot-hole in her counter, 
 and a few pearl oyster-shells sticking out here and 
 there in the murky recesses of her hold, was 
 knocked down for a song at Buenos Ayres to a 
 Spanish- American who desired her for the fulfil- 
 ment of some rather private contracts, into which 
 he had entered with a Central American State, for 
 a consignment of small arms and ammunition 
 delivered immediately terms, C. O. D. and no 
 questions asked. Her captain on this occasion 
 was a Lowland Scot of disreputable character 
 but inherent piety, who endeavoured to confer 
 a rather spurious sanctity upon a nefarious en- 
 terprise by christening his nameless vessel the 
 Jedburgh Abbey. But, alas ! the Jedburgh Abbey 
 was confiscated a year later by the United States 
 government, and having disgorged a most un- 
 canonical cargo, was knocked down by Dutch 
 auction, without benefit of clergy, to the highest 
 bidder. Competition for her possession was not 
 keen, and she ultimately became the property 
 of Mr. Noddy Kinahan, who at that time was 
 beginning to pile up a considerable fortune by 
 purchasing old steamers on their way to the scrap- 
 heap and running them as tramp-freighters until
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 115 
 
 they sank. The Jedburgh Abbey, with a new 
 propeller, she had gone short of a blade for 
 years, her rusty carcase tinkered into some- 
 thing like sea- worthiness, and her engines secured 
 a little more firmly to their bed-plates, had re- 
 established her social status by creeping once more 
 into Lloyd's list the Red Book of the Mercan- 
 tile Marine and, disguised as the Orinoco, of 
 the "River" Line of freight-carrying steamships, 
 had served Mr. Noddy Kinahan well for seven 
 years. This grey morning, with Sandy Hook well 
 down below the western horizon, she clambered 
 wearily but perseveringlyover the Atlantic rollers, 
 like a disillusioned and world-weary old cab-horse 
 which, having begun life between the shafts of a 
 gentleman's brougham, is now concluding a 
 depressing existence by dragging a funereal 
 "growler" up and down the undulations of a 
 London suburb. 
 
 Her redeeming feature was a certain purity of 
 outline and symmetry of form. She boasted a 
 flush deck, unbroken by any unsightly waist amid- 
 ships; and not even her unscraped masts, her 
 scarred sides, and her flaked and salt-whitened 
 funnel could altogether take away from her her 
 pride of race, the right to boast, in common 
 with many a human derelict of the same sex and 
 a very similar history, that she had " been a lady 
 once."
 
 116 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 She had now been at sea for well over twenty- 
 four hours, and her crew, who had to a man been 
 brought on board in what a sympathetic eye- 
 witness on a similar occasion once described as " a 
 state of beastly but enviable intoxication," were 
 once more beginning to sit up and take notice. 
 Their efforts in this direction owed much to the 
 kind assistance of Messrs. Gates and Dingle, the 
 first and second mates, who with cold douche and 
 unrelenting boot were sparing no pains to rouse 
 to a sense of duty those of their flock who had not 
 yet found or recovered their sea-legs. 
 
 The crew consisted of two Englishmen and a 
 Californian, together with a handful of Scandi- 
 navians, Portuguese, and Germans, divided by 
 sea-law (which, like its big brother, non curat de 
 minimis) into "Dagoes" and "Dutchmen" re- 
 spectively, representatives of the Romance races 
 being grouped under the former and of the Anglo- 
 Saxon under the latter designations. With one 
 exception none of them had sailed on the ship 
 before, and in all probability would never do so 
 again. They had been purveyed to Captain King- 
 dom by a Tenderloin boarding-house keeper, and 
 had signed a contract for the voyage to Bor- 
 deaux and back, wages for both trips to be paid 
 at the end of the second. If sufficiently knocked 
 about, they would in all probability desert at 
 Bordeaux, preferring to forego their pay rather
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 117 
 
 than stand a second dose of the home comforts 
 of the Orinoco. This was one of the ways in 
 which Captain Kingdom saved his employer 
 money and in which Mr. Noddy Kinahan made 
 the "River" Line a profitable concern. There 
 were also others, which shall be set forth in due 
 course. 
 
 Captain Kingdom had just appeared on the 
 bridge. He was a furtive and sinister- looking in- 
 dividual, resembling rather a pawnbroker's as- 
 sistant than one who occupied his business in 
 great waters. But he was a useful servant to 
 Noddy Kinahan. 
 
 "Got all the hands to work, Mr. Gates?" he 
 called down to the mate. 
 
 "Aye, aye, sir!" replied Mr. Gates, knocking 
 the heel of his boot on the deck to ease his aching 
 toes. 
 
 The captain ran his eye over the crew, who 
 were huddling together forward of the bridge. 
 He cleared his throat. 
 
 "Now, you scum," he began genially, "attend 
 to me, while I tell you what you've got to do on 
 board this ship." 
 
 The scum, stagnant and unresponsive^ listened 
 stolidly to his harangue, the substance of which 
 did not differ materially, mutatis mutandis, from 
 one of Mr. Squeers's inaugural addresses to his 
 pupils on the first morning of term at Dotheboys
 
 118 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 Hall. Captain Kingdom's peroration laid par- 
 ticular stress upon the fact that Messrs. Gates and 
 Dingle had been requested by him as a particu- 
 lar favour to adopt the policy of the thick stick 
 and the big boot in the case of those members 
 of the crew who refrained from looking slick in 
 executing their orders. 
 
 The crew received his remarks with sheepish 
 grins or sullen scowls ; and the orator concluded : 
 
 "Pick watches, Mr. Gates, and then we'll pipe 
 down to dinner. Are all hands on deck ?" 
 
 " Aye, aye, sir," replied Mr. Gates, looking over 
 his list. 
 
 "I saw somebody down below a few minutes 
 ago," drawled a voice, proceeding from a figure 
 seated upon a bollard. 
 
 It was Mr. Allerton, who, with characteristic 
 contentment with (or indifference to) his lot, had 
 performed the unprecedented feat of signing on 
 for a second voyage in the Orinoco. He wore his 
 usual air of humorous tolerance of the cares of 
 this world, and spoke in the composed and unruf- 
 fled fashion which stamps the high-caste English- 
 man all over the globe. His lot on board the 
 Orinoco had been lighter than that of most, for 
 his companions, finding him apparently imper- 
 vious to ill-usage 'and philosophically genial un- 
 der all circumstances, had agreed to regard him 
 as a species of heavily decayed and slightly de-
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 119 
 
 mented "dude," and had half-affectionately 
 christened him " Percy," a term which sums up 
 the typical Englishman for the New Yorker al- 
 most as vividly as "Rosbif" and "Godam" per- 
 form that office for the Parisian. 
 
 The captain descended from the bridge, walked 
 across the deck, and dispassionately kicked Mr. 
 Allerton off the bollard. 
 
 " Stand up, you swine, when you speak to me !" 
 he shouted. "Where did you see anybody ?" 
 
 Mr. Allerton rose slowly and painfully from the 
 scuppers. There are moments when the role of 
 a Democritus is difficult to sustain. 
 
 "I'm sorry you did that, captain," he remarked, 
 " because I know you did n't mean it personally. 
 You had to make some sort of demonstration, 
 of course, to put the fear of death into these new 
 hands, but I regret that you should have singled 
 me out as the corpus vile, you don't know what 
 that means, I daresay : never mind ! because 
 you have shaken up my wits so much, besides 
 nearly breaking my hip-bone, that I shall have 
 to pause and consider a minute before I remem- 
 ber where I did see the gentleman." 
 
 If the captain had been Mr. Gates he would 
 probably have felled Allerton to the deck a second 
 time. As it was, he shuffled his feet uncomfort- 
 ably and glared. The broken man before him, 
 when all was said and done, was his superior;
 
 120 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 and the captain, who was of sufficiently refined 
 clay to be sensitive to social distinctions, was an- 
 grily conscious of that sense of sheepish uneasi- 
 ness which obsesses the cad, however exalted, in 
 the presence of a gentleman, however degraded. 
 
 Allerton continued : 
 
 " I remember now, captain. The man was lying 
 in the alley- way leading to the companion. I'll 
 go and see how he is getting on. Keep your seats, 
 gentlemen." 
 
 He dived down the fore-hatchway, just in time 
 to escape the itching boot of the unimpressionable 
 Mr. Gates, and proceeded between decks toward 
 the stern. Presently he came to the alley-way in 
 question. The man was still there, but had 
 slightly shifted his position since Allerton had 
 last seen him. He was now reclining across the 
 passage, with his head sunk on his chest. His 
 feet were bare, and he was attired in a blue jumper 
 and a pair of trousers which had once belonged 
 to a suit of orange-and-red pyjamas. His appear- 
 ance was not impressive. 
 
 Allerton stirred him gently with his foot. 
 
 "Wake up, old man," he remarked, "or 
 there'll be hell -- Well, I'm damned!" 
 
 For the man had drowsily lifted his heavy head 
 and displayed the features of Hughie Marrable. 
 
 They gazed at each other for a full minute. 
 Then Allerton said feebly :
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 121 
 
 "You've preferred the Orinoco to the Apulia 
 after all, then ?" 
 
 Hughie did not reply. He was running his 
 tongue round his cracked and blackened lips, and 
 tentatively sucking his palate. 
 
 " I know that taste," he remarked. " It reminds 
 me of a night I once spent in Canton. I have it 
 opium ! " 
 
 Then he tenderly fingered the back of his head, 
 and nodded with the interested air of one who 
 is acquiring a new item of experience. 
 
 "I've been filled up with opium before," he 
 said, "but this is the first time I've been sand- 
 bagged. I suppose I was sand-bagged first and 
 hocussed afterwards. Yes, that's it." 
 
 He looked almost pleased. He was a man who 
 liked to get to the bottom of things. Presently he 
 continued : 
 
 " Could you get me a drink of water ? I've got 
 a tongue like a stick of glue." 
 
 Allerton departed as bidden, presently to return 
 with a pannikin. Hughie was standing up in the 
 alley-way, swaying unsteadily and regarding his 
 attire. 
 
 "I say," he said, after gulping the water, 
 "would you mind telling me you see, I'm a 
 little bit wuzzy in the head at present where 
 the devil I am, and whether I came on board in 
 this kit or my own clothes?"
 
 122 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 "Steamship Orinoco," replied Allerton pre- 
 cisely, "out of New York, for Bordeaux." 
 
 "Let me think," said Hughie, "Orinoco? 
 Ah! now I'm beginning to see daylight. What's 
 the name of the owner, our friend from Coney 
 Island ?" 
 
 Allerton told him. "But he's more than your 
 friend now," he added; "he's your employer." 
 
 Hughie whistled long and low. 
 
 "I see," he said. " Shanghaied eh ? Well, I 
 must say he owed me one : I fairly barked his nose 
 for him that night. But now that he has had me 
 knocked on the head and shipped on board this 
 old ark, I think he has overpaid me. I owe him 
 one again ; and, with any luck, he shall have it." 
 
 "Do you remember being slugged?" said Al- 
 lerton. 
 
 " Can't say I do precisely. Let me see. I re- 
 collect coming along Forty-second Street on my 
 way to the Manhattan. I 'd been dining at the 
 Lambs, and I stopped a minute on the sidewalk 
 under an L railway-track to light my pipe, when 
 yes, it must have happened then." 
 
 "I expect you had been shadowed all day," 
 said Allerton. "But I'm forgetting my duties. 
 You are wanted on deck." 
 
 "Who wants me ? Noddy Kinahan ?" 
 
 " Not much ! He does n't travel by his own 
 ships. It's the captain. I understand that you
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 123 
 
 are to be presented to the company as a little 
 stowaway, and great surprise and pain will be of- 
 ficially manifested at your appearance on board." 
 
 "All right. Come along and introduce me." 
 
 Captain Kingdom's method of dealing with 
 stowaways natural and artificial was simple 
 and unvarying. On presentation, he first of all 
 abused them with all the resources of an almost 
 Esperantic vocabulary, and then handed them 
 over to Mr. Gates to be kicked into shape. 
 
 On Hughie Marrable's appearance on deck, 
 the captain proceeded with gusto to Part One of 
 his syllabus. Hard words break no bones, and 
 Hughie, who was breathing in great draughts of 
 sea-air and feeling less dizzy and more collected 
 each minute, set no particular store by the oratori- 
 cal display to which he was being treated. In 
 fact, he was almost guilty of the discourtesy of 
 allowing his attention to wander. He set the 
 crown upon his offence by interrupting the cap- 
 tain's peroration. 
 
 "Look here, skipper," he said, brusquely 
 breaking in upon a period, " you can drop that. 
 My name is Marrable. I am not a stowaway, and 
 I have been dumped on board this ship by order 
 of" 
 
 "Your name," said Captain Kingdom with 
 relish, " is anything I choose to call you ; and as 
 you stowed yourself away on board "
 
 124 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 "Look here," said Hughie, "I want a word 
 with you in your own cabin for choice. All 
 right," he continued with rising voice, as the cap- 
 tain broke out again, "I'll have it here instead. 
 First of all, what is Mr. Noddy Kinahan paying 
 you for this job ?" 
 
 The captain turned to the mate. 
 
 "Sock him, Mr. Gates!" he roared. 
 
 Mr. Gates, whose curiosity together with 
 that of the rest of the crew had been roused, as 
 Hughie meant it to be, by the latter's reference 
 to Mr. Noddy Kinahan 's share in the present 
 situation, moved forward to his task with less 
 alacrity than usual, and paused readily enough 
 when Hughie continued : 
 
 "If you'll put back, captain, and land me any- 
 where within a hundred miles of New York, I'll 
 give you double what Kinahan is paying you for 
 this job." 
 
 " You look like a man with money, I must say !" 
 replied Kingdom. " Now then, Mr. Gates ! " 
 
 "It's to be no deal, then ?" said Hughie com- 
 posedly. "Very well. The next question is, if 
 I am coming with you, how am I going to be 
 treated ? Cabin or steer " 
 
 "I'll show you," roared the incensed skipper. 
 "Knock him silly, Mr. Gates!" 
 
 Mr. Gates came on with a rush. But Hughie, 
 who all this time had been taking his bearings,
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 125 
 
 leapt back lightly in his bare feet and snatched 
 a capstan-bar from the rack behind him. 
 
 " Keep your distance for a moment, Mr. Gates," 
 he commanded, "if you don't want your head 
 cracked. I haven't finished interviewing this 
 captain of yours yet. Happy to oblige you later, 
 for any period you care to specify." 
 
 " 'Nother Percy!" commented Mr. Dingle de- 
 jectedly, expectorating over the side. He was 
 a plain man, was Mr. Dingle, and loved straight 
 hitting and words of one syllable. 
 
 Mr. Gates paused, and Hughie, leaning back 
 against the bulwarks and toying with the cap- 
 stan-bar, continued to address the fulminating 
 mariner on the bridge. 
 
 " Now, captain, I 'm going to be brief with you 
 brief and business-like. You've been paid by 
 Kinahan to shanghai me and take me for a long 
 sea- voyage. Very good. I'm not kicking. I 
 wanted to get to Europe anyhow, and I rather 
 like long sea-voyages, especially before the mast. 
 In fact, I'd rather sail before the mast on board 
 this ship than in the cuddy. (Keep still, Mr. 
 Gates!) As I'm here, I've no particular objec- 
 tion to working my passage, always reserving to 
 myself the right to make things hot for your em- 
 ployer when I get ashore. I'll work as an A.B. or 
 deck-hand if you like, though personally I would 
 rather do something in the engine-room. I'm
 
 126 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 pretty well qualified in that direction. But I must 
 be decently treated, and there must be no more 
 sand-bagging or knockabout variety business. Is 
 it a deal ? '' 
 
 Captain Kingdom surveyed the sinewy stow- 
 away before him thoughtfully. He saw that un- 
 til Hughie gave up the capstan-bar Mr. Gates 
 would have little chance of enforcing discipline. 
 He must temporise. 
 
 "I can give you a job in the engine-room," he 
 said, in what he imagined was a more concilia- 
 tory tone. " Second engineer 's down with some- 
 thing this morning. You can take his watch. 
 Drop that capstan-bar of yours, and go and see 
 Mr. Angus, the chief." 
 
 "That should suit me," replied Hughie. "But 
 as a guarantee of good faith, and to avoid disap- 
 pointing the assembled company, I 'm quite will- 
 ing to stand up and have a turn with Mr. Gates 
 here, or that gentleman over by the funnel-stay, 
 or any one else you may appoint. But I should 
 prefer Mr. Gates," he added, almost affection- 
 ately. "I'm not in first-class form at present, 
 as my head has got a dint in it behind; but I'll 
 do my best. Are you game, Mr. Gates?" 
 
 "Go on, Mr. Gates, learn him!" commanded 
 the highly gratified skipper. 
 
 " Drop that bar," shouted the genial Mr. Gates, 
 "and I'll kill you!"
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 127 
 
 "Half a minute, please," said Hughie, as un- 
 ruffled as if he were putting on the gloves for a 
 ten-minute spar in a gymnasium. " I 'm not going 
 to fight a man in sea-boots in my bare feet. Can 
 any gentleman oblige me with Thank you, sir ! 
 You are a white man." 
 
 A pair of oily canvas tennis shoes, with list 
 soles, pattered down on the deck beside him. 
 Their donor, the "white man," a coal-black 
 individual attired chiefly in cotton-waste, was 
 smiling affably from the engine-room hatchway. 
 
 "They'll dae ye fine," he observed unexpect- 
 edly, and disappeared below. 
 
 In a moment Hughie had slipped on the shoes. 
 Then, casting away the bar, he hurled himself 
 straight at the head of Mr. Gates. 
 
 In the brief but exhilarating exhibition which 
 followed Mr. Gates realised that a first mate on 
 the defensive is a very different being from a first 
 mate on the rampage. He had become so accus- 
 tomed to breaking in unresisting dock- rats and be- 
 mused foreigners, taking his own time and using 
 his boots where necessary, that a high-pressure 
 combat with a man who seemed to be every- 
 where except at the end of his fist to his hon- 
 our he never once thought of employing his foot 
 was an entire novelty to him. He fought sul- 
 lenly but ponderously, wasting his enormous 
 strength on murderous blows which never reached
 
 128 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 their mark, and stolidly enduring a storm of 
 smacks, bangs, and punches that would have 
 knocked a man of less enduring material into a 
 pulp. But there is one blow which no member 
 of the human family can stand up to, glutton 
 for punishment though he be. Hughie made a 
 sudden feint with his left at his opponent's body, 
 just below the heart. Gates dropped his guard, 
 momentarily throwing forward his head as he 
 did so. Instantaneously a terrific upper-cut from 
 Hughie' s right took him squarely under the chin. 
 Mr. Gates described a graceful parabola, and 
 landed heavily on his back on deck, striking his 
 head against a ring-bolt as he fell. The whole 
 fight had lasted less than four minutes. 
 
 Hughie was about to assist his fallen opponent 
 to rise, when he heard a warning cry from half- 
 a-dozen voices. He swung round, to find the 
 captain making for him, open-mouthed, with the 
 capstan-bar. He sprang lightly aside a further 
 blessing on those list shoes ! and his opponent 
 charged past him, bringing down the bar with a 
 flail-like sweep upon the drum of a steam wind- 
 lass. Next moment Hughie, grasping the fore- 
 mast shrouds, leaped on the bulwarks and pulled 
 himself up to the level of the bridge, which was un- 
 occupied save by the man at the wheel, who had 
 been an enthusiastic spectator of the scene below. 
 
 Having climbed upon the bridge, and so se-
 
 THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE 129 
 
 cured the upper ground in case of any further at- 
 tack, Hughie leaned over the rails and parleyed. 
 In his hand he held a pair of heavy binoculars, 
 which he had taken out of a box clamped to the 
 back of the wind-screen. 
 
 "The first man who attempts to follow me up 
 here," he announced, when he had got his breath 
 back, "will get this pair of glasses in the eye. 
 Captain, I don't think you are a great success 
 as an employer of labour. You have n't got the 
 knack of conciliating your men. Can't we come 
 to terms ? Mine are very simple. I want some 
 clothes my own, for choice. If you have n't 
 got them, anything quiet and unobtrusive will do. 
 But I decline to go about in orange-and-red 
 pyjama trousers in mid-Atlantic to please you or 
 anybody else. For one thing they're not warm, 
 and for another they're not usual. If you will 
 oblige me in this matter, I am quite willing to 
 live at peace with you. I don't see that you can 
 really suppress me except by killing me, and that 
 is a thing which I don't think you have either the 
 authority or the pluck to do. Why not give me a 
 billet in the engine-room and cry quits ?" 
 
 Captain Kingdom looked up at the obstreper- 
 ous mutineer on the bridge, and down at the re- 
 cumbent Mr. Gates on the deck, and ground his 
 teeth. Then he looked up to the bridge again. 
 
 "All right," he growled. "Come down!"
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 
 
 HUGHIE, having been relieved to a slight ex- 
 tent from sartorial humiliation, entered upon his 
 engine-room duties forthwith. 
 
 The society in which he found himself consisted 
 of Mr. Angus, the chief, engineers, like gar- 
 deners, editors, and Cabinet Ministers, are prac- 
 tically all Scotsmen, Mr. Goble, the acting- 
 second (vice Mr. Walsh, sick), and a motley gang 
 of undersized, half-mutinous, wholly vile sweep- 
 ings of humanity in the form of firemen. Mr. 
 Walsh was suffering from an intermittent form 
 of malaria contracted years ago in an up-river 
 trip to the pestilential regions round Saigon. Mr. 
 Angus, a hoary-headed and bottle-nosed Dun- 
 donian, who could have charmed a scrap-heap 
 into activity, received Hughie with native polite- 
 ness, and paid him the compliment of working him 
 uncommonly hard. He explained (with perfect 
 truth) that the only reason why he was not at that 
 moment driving a Cunarder was a habit of his, 
 viewed by certain owners with regrettable nar- 
 rowness of vision, of "takin' a drap, whiles." 
 The concluding adverb Hughie correctly esti-
 
 A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 131 
 
 mated to mean "whenever I can get anything to 
 drink." 
 
 "I canna see what for they should be sae par- 
 tic' lar aboot it," mused Mr. Angus in recounting 
 the circumstance, "for I haundle her jist as weel 
 drunk as sober. However, here I am, and there's 
 an end o 't. Aiblins it's jist as weel. I could rin 
 the engines o' ony Cunarder afloat, but I ken fine 
 there's not hauf-a-dozen men in their hale fleet 
 could knock eight knots oot o' the auld Orinoco. 
 There's a kin' o' divinity aboot it, I doot. A man 's 
 pit whaur he's maist wan tit." 
 
 John Alexander Goble, the acting-second, 
 proved to be a man of greater depth and more 
 surprises than his superior. He it was who had 
 thrown the list shoes to Hughie before the battle 
 with Mr. Gates, which showed that he was at 
 heart a Sportsman ; he had taken the first oppor- 
 tunity of asking for the return of the same, which 
 showed that he was a Scotsman ; but he had found 
 Hughie a better pair of shoes in their stead, to- 
 gether with some garments more suitable than 
 the blue jumper and the orange-and-red pyjama 
 trousers, which showed that he was a good Sa- 
 maritan : and a man who is a Sportsman and a 
 Scot and a good Samaritan all rolled into one is 
 an addition to the society of any engine-room. 
 
 His face wore an expression of chastened gloom ; 
 and if washed and set ashore in his native Gale-
 
 132 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 donia, he would probably have received a unani- 
 mous invitation to come and glower over the 
 plate in the doorway of the nearest Wee Free 
 conventicle. His speech was slow and unctuous : 
 one could imagine him under happier circum- 
 stances conducting family worship, and pausing 
 to elucidate in approved fashion some specially 
 obvious passage in the evening's "portion," thus : 
 "From the expression, 'a michty man o' valour,' 
 we may gather that the subject of this reference 
 was a person of considerable stature and un- 
 doubted physical courage." 
 
 He was habitually and painfully sober, for 
 reasons which Hughie learned from him at a 
 period when they had more leisure to study each 
 other's characters. He was ignorant of the first 
 principles of mechanics, but could be trusted to 
 keep the Orinoco's propeller-shaft revolving at 
 a steady seventy-two to the minute; and he had 
 a gentle compelling way with refractory firemen 
 which made for sweet reasonableness and gen- 
 eral harmony below stairs, what time Mr. Angus 
 was recovering from one of those sudden and re- 
 grettable attacks of indisposition which usually 
 coincided with the forgetfulness of the steward to 
 lock up the cabin whisky-bottle. 
 
 Hughie berthed in the foc'sle, and was regarded 
 'by the Dagoes, Dutchmen, et hoc genus omne, with 
 mingled admiration for the manner in which he
 
 A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 133 
 
 had settled Mr. Gates, and mystified surprise that 
 a man capable of such a feat should be content to 
 live on his own rations and sleep in his allotted 
 bunk, without desiring to make researches into 
 the respective succulence and comfort of his 
 neighbours'. 
 
 On the whole Hughie found his life tolerable 
 enough, as the Orinoco butted and grunted her 
 way across the Newfoundland Banks; and he 
 experienced no pang when the Apulia, spouting 
 smoke from her four funnels and carrying his 
 luggage in one of her state-rooms, swept past 
 them on the rim of the southern horizon on their 
 third day out. He was accustomed to rough 
 quarters, and any new experience of things as 
 they are was of interest to him. Moreover, he 
 possessed the priceless possession of a cast-iron 
 digestion ; and a man so blessed can afford to snap 
 his fingers at most of the sundry and manifold 
 changes of this world. 
 
 Captain Kingdom and Mr. Gates for the time 
 being held him severely aloof. The taciturn Mr. 
 Dingle conveyed to him, by means of a surpris- 
 ingly ingenious code of grunts and expectora- 
 tions, that provided he, Hughie, or Brown, as 
 he was usually called, was content to go his 
 way without hunting for trouble, he, Mr. Dingle, 
 was content to go his without endeavouring to 
 supply it. Altogether there seemed to be no rea-
 
 134 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 son for doubting that the Orinoco, provided she 
 did not open up and sink like a basket en route, 
 would ultimately reach the port of Bordeaux, 
 bringing her sheaves, in the form of Hughie and 
 some unspeakable claret, with her. 
 
 But there is more than one way of making 
 money out of the shipping trade. 
 
 One night Hughie was leaning over the taff- 
 rail behind the wheel-house at the stern. It was 
 two o'clock, and the darkness was intensified by 
 a heavy mist. There was almost no wind, and 
 the Orinoco, like a draught-horse which feels the 
 wheels of its equipage upon a tram-line, slid 
 gratefully up and down the lazy rollers with the 
 nearest approach to comfort that she had experi- 
 enced that voyage. 
 
 Hughie was idly watching the phosphorescent 
 wake of the propeller, w r ondering whether Captain 
 Kingdom had orders to land him in France in his 
 shirt and trousers or throw him overboard before 
 they got there, when a figure rose up out of the 
 darkness beside him. It was the easy-going Mr. 
 Allerton. 
 
 "Hallo, Percy!" said Hughie. He had soon 
 dropped into the nomenclature of the foc'sle. 
 
 "Look here," said Allerton, in a more pur- 
 poseful voice than usual ; " come along and look 
 at this boat." 
 
 The largest of the three boats carried by the
 
 A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 135 
 
 Orinoco lay close by them. She was swung in- 
 board and rested on deck-chocks below the davits. 
 A canvas cover, one end of which fluttered inter- 
 mittently in the breeze, roofed her over. Aller- 
 ton lifted this flap and inserted his hand. Pre- 
 sently there was a splutter and a glimmer, and it 
 became plain that he was holding a lighted match 
 under the canvas. 
 
 "Look!" he whispered. 
 
 Hughie peered under the flap. He saw water- 
 barrels, a spirit-keg, and various bags and boxes. 
 Then the match went out, and Allerton withdrew 
 his hand. 
 
 The pair retired once more to their shelter be- 
 hind the wheel-house. 
 
 "You saw that?" said Allerton. 
 
 "I did. Do they usually keep the boats pro- 
 visioned on this ship ? If so, I don't blame 
 them." 
 
 "Not they. Somebody is going for a water- 
 picnic shortly that's all." 
 
 Hughie mused. 
 
 "Am I the man, do you think?" he said at 
 length. 
 
 "No, I don't think so. There's too much grub 
 for one. Besides the other boats are provisioned 
 too. It looks as if the ship were to be aban- 
 doned." 
 
 "But why ? There's no reason why she should
 
 136 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 drop to bits for a long time yet. Rust is very 
 binding, you know. Probably they keep her pro- 
 visioned just in case " 
 
 Allerton wagged his head sagaciously. 
 
 "There's more in this than meets the eye,'* 
 he said. "It is my pleasure and privilege, as you 
 know, to act as steward at present during the re- 
 gretted retirement of the regular holder of that 
 office, owing to eczema of the hands. (Even Mr. 
 Gates shies at eczema sea-pie !) Now there's some 
 mischief brewing in the cuddy, and they're all in 
 it Kingdom, Gates, and Angus. I'm not quite 
 sure about Dingle, because he berths forward; 
 but I think he is too. What's more : it's something 
 they can't afford to have given away. Kingdom, 
 who usually keeps Angus very short of drink at 
 sea, now lets him have it whenever he wants it, 
 and generally speaking is going out of his way 
 to keep him sweet. That shows he can't afford 
 to quarrel with him. And when a captain can't 
 afford to quarrel with a chief engineer whom he 
 hates, it usually means that he and the engineer 
 are in together over some hanky-panky which has 
 its roots in the engine-room. You mark my words, 
 one of these fine nights that hoary-headed old 
 Caledonian will open a sea-cock or two and rush 
 up on deck and say the ship is sinking. It'll be 
 a case of all hands to the boats ; the Orinoco will 
 go to her long-overdue and thoroughly deserved
 
 A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 137 
 
 rest at the bottom, and the insurance people will 
 pay up and look pleasant." 
 
 "H'm," said Hughie; "there seems to be some- 
 thing in what you say. I wish I could keep an 
 eye on the old sinner in the engine-room; but 
 since Walsh came back to duty I've no excuse for 
 going there at all now. It might almost be worth 
 while to warn Goble. He 's a decent chap." 
 
 "Who is on duty in the engine-room now?" 
 
 " Walsh, I should think. Angus usually makes 
 way for him about eight bells. But I 'm not sure. 
 Hark! Do you notice anything about the beat 
 of the engines ?" 
 
 "Not being an expert, can't say I do. They 
 sound a trifle more asthmatic than usual, perhaps. 
 What's up?" 
 
 " Somebody has got the donkey-pump at work," 
 said Hughie. "It may be Angus, after all, mon- 
 keying with the water- ballast. Hallo!" He leaned 
 over the stern-rail and peered down. "Do you 
 notice anything unusual about the propeller?" 
 
 " It seems to be kicking up a bit of a dust," said 
 Allerton. "Is it going round faster, or getting 
 nearer the surface?" 
 
 "It's half out of the water," said Hughie. 
 "That means that the old man has pumped out 
 the after double-bottom tank. Look, we're all 
 down by the head!" 
 
 The two stepped out from behind the wheel-
 
 138 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 house and gazed forward. The flush deck of the 
 Orinoco was undoubtedly running downhill 
 towards the bows. 
 
 "What's the game?" inquired Allerton ex- 
 citedly. 
 
 Hughie was thinking. Presently he said : 
 
 "I'm not sure, but his next move should tell 
 us. Either he is trying to drive her nose under 
 and sink her by manipulating the water-ballast, 
 which seems a hopeless job in a flat calm like 
 this, and suicidal if it comes off; or else he is 
 working up for a scare of some kind, which will 
 frighten the crew into Hallo? what's that?" 
 
 There was a warning cry from Mr. Dingle, who 
 was standing right forward in the bows. 
 
 "Something right ahead, sir! Looks like " 
 
 There was an answering shout from the bridge, 
 where the captain was standing by the wheel, 
 followed by a jangling of telegraph-bells. Next 
 moment the Orinoco gave a jar and a stagger, 
 and Hughie and Allerton pitched forward on to 
 their noses. 
 
 There were shouts and cries all over the ship, 
 and men came tumbling up the hatchways. 
 
 "We've struck something," gasped Allerton. 
 
 "Struck your grandmother!" grunted Hughie, 
 who was sitting up rubbing his nose tenderly. 
 "That jar came from directly underneath us. 
 It was caused by Angus reversing his engines
 
 A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 139 
 
 without giving the ship time to slow down. I 
 daresay he never even shut off steam. Likely 
 enough he's lifted the engines off their beds. Well, 
 perhaps he had finished with them anyway. Come 
 along forward." 
 
 By this time a frightened crowd had assembled 
 on the deck of the Orinoco, which, lying motion- 
 less on the silent sea, artistically tilted up by the 
 stern, Hughie began to grasp the inwardness of 
 Mr. Angus's manoeuvres with the water-ballast, 
 presented a sufficiently alarming appearance 
 even on that calm night. 
 
 Mr. Dingle and the captain, the one hanging 
 over the bows and the other standing in an at- 
 titude of alertness on the bridge, were sustain- 
 ing between them a conversation which vaguely 
 suggested to Hughie a carefully rehearsed " cross- 
 talk" duologue between two knockabout artistes 
 of the Variety firmament say the Brothers 
 Bimbo in one of their renowned impromptu 
 " patter scenes." The resemblance was enhanced 
 by the fact that the "patter" was delivered for- 
 tissimo by both performers, and each repeated 
 the other's most telling phrases in tones which 
 made it impossible for the audience to avoid hear- 
 ing them. 
 
 "What was it?" shouted Bimbo Senior (as 
 represented by Captain Kingdom). 
 
 "Lump of wreckage!" roared Bimbo Junior,
 
 140 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 from a prolonged scrutiny of the ship's fore- 
 foot. 
 
 "Lump of wreckage ?" bellowed Bimbo Senior. 
 
 "Lump of wreckage!" corroborated Bimbo 
 Junior. 
 
 "Of course it might have been ice," suggested 
 Number One, at the top of his voice. 
 
 "Might have been ice," replied the conscien- 
 tious echo. 
 
 "Pairsonally I'm inclined tae believe it was jist 
 a wee bit coral island," interpolated a third voice, 
 with painful and stunning distinctness. The Chief 
 Engineer had suddenly made his appearance on 
 the bridge. 
 
 The captain was obviously much put out. In 
 the first place, coral islands are not plentiful hi 
 the North Atlantic, and there are limits even to 
 the gullibility of an audience composed of foreign 
 deck-hands and half- civilised firemen. Secondly, 
 the axiom that two is company and three none 
 applies even to cross-talk duologues. Thirdly, 
 Mr. Angus was excessively drunk, and conse- 
 quently the laboriously planned comedietta at 
 present in progress might, owing to his inartis- 
 tic and uncalled-for intrusion upon the scene, take 
 a totally unrehearsed turn at any moment. 
 
 The captain lost no time. 
 
 " What report have you from the engine-room, 
 Mr. Angus?" he inquired loudly and pointedly.
 
 A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 141 
 
 Mr. Angus, suddenly recognising his cue, and 
 realising almost with tears that he had been im- 
 perilling the success of the entire piece by un- 
 seemly "gagging," pulled himself together, re- 
 turned to his text, and announced that the ship 
 was badly down by the head and the stokehold 
 awash. 
 
 "There's nothing else for it," yelled the captain 
 resignedly, " but to leave her. Clear away the 
 boats, Mr. Gates!" 
 
 Having thus established a good working expla- 
 nation of the disaster, and incidentally enlisted 
 the entire audience those members of it, that 
 is, who were not already doing service in the 
 claque as unbiassed witnesses for the defence 
 in case the insurance company turned nasty, the 
 intrepid commander descended from the bridge 
 to his cabin, to collect a few necessaries pending 
 the abandonment of his beloved vessel. 
 
 Hughie and Allerton surveyed each other. 
 
 "Which boat are you going in?" inquired 
 Allerton. 
 
 "None," said Hughie. 
 
 "Going to stay on board?" 
 
 Hughie nodded. 
 
 "But she'll sink under our feet." 
 
 "I don't believe she's as badly damaged as all 
 that. There's some game on here." 
 
 "I don't suppose she's damaged at all," said
 
 142 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 Allerton, "but you can be sure they won't be such 
 blamed fools as to leave the ship floating about 
 to be picked up. Old Angus will let water into 
 her before he leaves, if he has n't started the pro- 
 cess already." 
 
 "Well, I'm not going in any of those boats," 
 said Hughie. "If the Orinoco sinks, I'll float to 
 Europe on a hen-coop." 
 
 "May I have half of it?" said Allerton. 
 
 "You may," said Hughie. 
 
 And so the S. S. Orinoco Salvage Company, 
 Limited, was floated, and the Board of Directors 
 entered upon their new duties at once. 
 
 By this time the boats had been swung out- 
 board and their provisioning completed. They 
 were now lowered from the davits, and the men 
 began to take their places. There was no panic, 
 for the night was calm, and the Orinoco showed 
 no signs of settling deeper. Messrs. Gates and 
 Dingle were already at their respective tillers. 
 Captain Kingdom and Mr. Angus were standing 
 by the davits to which the whale-boat was still 
 shackled. Mr. Goble, apparently in no hurry, was 
 leaning over the bulwarks in the darkness not far 
 from Hughie and Allerton, dispassionately regard- 
 ing the crew's preparations for departure. He 
 approached nearer. 
 
 "There's a wheen fowk in thae boats," he ob- 
 served. "I doot we'd be safer on board."
 
 A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 143 
 
 Hughie turned to him and nodded compre- 
 hendingly. 
 
 "That's my opinion too," he said, "and Percy's. 
 We're thinking of staying here." 
 
 Mr. Goble regarded him reflectively. 
 
 "Is that a fact ?" he said. " Weel, I'll bide too." 
 
 And so a third member was co-opted on to the 
 Board of Directors. 
 
 "We'd better get out of sight," said Hughie. 
 "They won't like leaving us behind. I think I 
 know a good place to wait. Come along." 
 
 The trio slipped round behind the chart-house, 
 passed along a deserted stretch of the deck, and 
 disappeared down the engine-room hatchway. 
 
 The engine-room was illuminated by a couple 
 of swinging lanterns. A black and greasy flood 
 of water glistened on the iron floor below, filling 
 the crank-pits and covering the propeller-shaft. 
 The doors leading to the stokehold were standing 
 open, and they could see that the floors there too 
 were flooded, though the water had not reached 
 the level of the fire-bars. Owing to the immo- 
 bility of the ship, its oily surface was almost un- 
 ruffled, and the engine-room itself was curiously 
 quiet after the turmoil on deck. The fires were 
 burning low, but occasionally a glowing clinker 
 slipped from between the bars into the blood-red 
 flood beneath, with a sizzling splash. The steam 
 was hissing discontentedly in the gauges.
 
 144 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 The Salvage Board stood knee-deep in the 
 water of the engine-room. 
 
 Hughie picked up a smoky inspection-lamp, 
 a teapot-like affair with a wick in the spout, 
 lit it, and peered about. 
 
 "Now look here," he said, "I don't quite know 
 where this water came from, and it does n't much 
 matter, as no more is coming in at present. If 
 the old man means to sink the ship he will have 
 to come down here to do it. He has probably 
 got some dodge arranged by which he can just 
 turn a wheel and open a valve and send her to 
 the bottom. Isn't that the idea, Goble? (I'll 
 explain to you afterwards, Allerton.) My impres- 
 sion is that he'll pop down and turn the valve on 
 just before he leaves. In that case one of us 
 must stand by and turn it off again. You two 
 go through into the stokehold. He's not likely 
 to come in there. If he does, you must use your 
 own discretion. I'll wait here, on the far side of 
 the cylinders, up against the condenser. He's not 
 likely to see me, but I shall be able to watch him 
 and see which valve- wheel he turns on." 
 
 The other two obeyed, and Hughie, scrambling 
 across the bed-plates of the engines, ensconced 
 himself behind a convenient cross-head, with his 
 feet in a flooded crank-pit and his body squeezed 
 back as far as possible into the shadow of the 
 condenser.
 
 A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE 145 
 
 He had not long to wait. Presently cautious 
 feet were heard descending the iron ladder, and 
 Mr. Angus, comparatively sober, stepped heavily 
 into the flood on the floor. 
 
 His first proceeding was to wade to the stoke- 
 hold end of the engine-room, Hughie thought 
 at first that he was going right through into the 
 arms of Allerton and Goble, and wondered what 
 they would do with him, where he began to 
 manipulate the great valve-wheel which kept the 
 steam imprisoned in the boilers; and presently 
 Hughie could hear the roar of the escape far 
 above his head. This was a purely precautionary 
 measure, and could do no harm to any one. 
 
 Then Mr. Angus splashed his way to the corner 
 by the donkey- pump, where the machinery for 
 controlling the bilge and water-ballast valves was 
 situated, and began to twist over another wheel. 
 Presently there was a gurgling bubbling sound 
 in the bowels of the ship, followed by a slight 
 hissing and whispering on the surface of the 
 water on the engine-room floor. The valve was 
 open. 
 
 Mr. Angus turned and lurched heavily through 
 the rising flood to the iron ladder. Thirty seconds 
 later a glistening figure crawled out of the crank- 
 pit and vigorously turned the wheel in the oppo- 
 site direction. The gurgling and hissing ceased. 
 The valve was closed.
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 
 
 **MR. MARRABLE, did ever ye see a drookit 
 craw?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Well, see me!" announced Mr. Goble com- 
 placently. 
 
 He crawled out of the engine-room companion- 
 way and sat down on the deck. Excessive spruce- 
 ness had never been a foible of his, but now he 
 was an unrecognisable mass of coal-dust, oil, and 
 rust. He was dripping wet, for he had spent 
 the last hour in an exhaustive examination of the 
 Orinoco's waterlogged internal economy. The 
 morning sun was warm, and he steamed comfort- 
 ably as he detailed the result of his investigations 
 to Hughie, who in some imperceptible but inevit- 
 able manner had taken command of the tiny 
 ship's company. 
 
 Shorn of technicalities and irrelevant excur- 
 sions into the regions of pawky philosophy, Mr. 
 Goble' s report came to this. 
 
 Mr. Angus had pumped out the after ballast- 
 tank during the night, allowing the water, by 
 means of a specially rigged return-pipe, to flow
 
 LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 147 
 
 into the bilges of the ship instead of escaping 
 overboard. By this device he had altered the 
 Orinoco's centre of gravity in such a manner as 
 to produce the afore-mentioned down-hill slant 
 of her decks a corroborative detail, as Pooh- 
 Bah would have observed, which gave a little 
 much-needed artistic verisimilitude to the Bimbo 
 Brothers' bald and unconvincing narrative of dis- 
 aster. Incidentally he had flooded the forehold 
 and engine-room with sufficient water to give 
 those members of the ship's company who were 
 not in their employer's confidence the impression 
 that she was sinking, and to furnish those who 
 were with a prima facie argument for deserting 
 her. 
 
 But these thoughtful precautions, though suffi- 
 cient to procure the abandonment of the Orinoco, 
 were by no means sufficient to send her to the 
 bottom, a consummation to be achieved at any 
 cost; for to leave your ship lying about in mid- 
 ocean, to be picked up by the first chance-comer, 
 while you go hurrying home to extract a cheque 
 from the insurance company, savours of slipshod 
 business methods ; and Mr. Noddy Kinahan was 
 nothing if not thorough. 
 
 Now every steamer which plies under Lloyds' 
 segis is fitted, below the water-line, with a set of 
 what are called bilge-valves. Through these it 
 is possible to expel any water which may have
 
 148 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 found its way into the body of the vessel. As it 
 is even more desirable to prevent the entrance of 
 water into your ship than to assist its exit, these 
 valves are of a strictly "non-return" variety, 
 and no amount of pressure from the outside 
 should ever prevail upon them to play the part of 
 Facing-Both-Ways. The very life of the ship 
 depends upon them ; and the enterprising individ- 
 ual who tampers with their mechanism in such 
 a manner as to convert what is meant to be an 
 Emergency Exit into a sort of Early Door for 
 the rolling deep, does so at the risk of coming 
 into immediate and painful collision with the 
 criminal laws of his country. 
 
 Mr. Angus, it appeared, had been employing 
 some of his spare time during the voyage in re- 
 versing one of these bilge-valves, with such skill 
 and finesse that, as we have seen, one had only 
 to give a turn to a worm-and-wheel gear in the 
 engine-room to admit the Atlantic Ocean in large 
 quantities. 
 
 "Oh, he has a heid on him, has Angus!" com- 
 mented Mr. Goble with professional appreciation, 
 "even when he's fou'. He made a rare job o't. 
 But how he managed to contrive that imitation 
 o' a collision, merely through some jookery-pack- 
 ery wi' the reverse-gear and throttle, wi'oot tear- 
 in' the guts oot o' her, I div not ken. Man, it was 
 a fair conjurin' trick ! By rights the link motion
 
 LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 149 
 
 should be twisted intil a watch-chain and the 
 cross- heids jammit in the guides. But they're 
 no. It's jist Providence, I doot," he added rather 
 apologetically, with the air of one who should 
 have thought of this sooner. 
 
 Then he uprose from his seat on an inverted 
 bucket. 
 
 "Before I gang ben, sir," he concluded, "tae 
 change ma feet and ma breeks, I'll tak' the liberty 
 tae inquire of you what you propose tae dae next. 
 Maircy me! Yon's Walsh." 
 
 Two figures had appeared round the corner of 
 the chart-house, their presence on the far side 
 thereof having been advertised for some time by 
 the clanking of the deck-pumps. (Mr. Angus's 
 precaution of blowing off steam before leaving 
 had put mechanical assistance in getting rid of 
 the water out of the question for the time being.) 
 
 "Yes, it's me," said Walsh, who, it will be re- 
 membered, was the second engineer, to whom 
 Hughie had recently been acting as deputy. "I 
 should have come on duty at eight bells to re- 
 lieve Angus, but I slept right through everything 
 till Mr. Marrable found me in my bunk an hour 
 or two ago. I expect they put something in my 
 grog last night." 
 
 "It's quite a hobby of theirs," said Allerton 
 drily. "Mr. Marrable, I have found something 
 that may be useful to us."
 
 150 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 He handed his superior officer a damp but un- 
 damaged little packet of papers. 
 
 "Where did you find them?" asked Hughie. 
 "I thought I had gone through Kingdom's kit 
 pretty thoroughly." 
 
 "They were sticking in the falls of the davits 
 belonging to the boat Kingdom went off in," re- 
 plied Allerton. "I saw him hurrying along the 
 deck from his cabin just before his departure, 
 carrying the log-book and some papers and in- 
 struments. I expect he dropped these as he went 
 over the side." 
 
 "Sit down, everybody," said the commander, 
 "we'll see this through. It may concern us all." 
 
 The packet contained two letters, together with 
 some invoices and bills of lading referring chiefly 
 to the Orinoco's cargo of astringent claret. 
 
 Hughie glanced through the letters. Then he 
 re-read them with some deliberation. Then he 
 whistled low and expressively. Then he sat up 
 and sighed, gently and contentedly. 
 
 "Mr. Noddy Kinahan," he said, "is shortly 
 going to wish, with all his benevolent and philan- 
 thropic little heart, that he had never been born. 
 And we are the people that are going to make him 
 wish. Listen!" 
 
 He read the two letters aloud. They were brief, 
 but explicit. One contained Kinahan's orders to 
 Kingdom as to the disposal of the Orinoco. The
 
 LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 151 
 
 other was a sort of invoice, or consignment note, 
 relating to the person of one Marrable, who had 
 apparently been shipped on board the night before 
 the ship sailed. Each of these documents, it may 
 he added, contained sufficient matter to ensure 
 penal servitude for their author. 
 
 Hughie stopped reading, and there was a long 
 and appreciative silence. Then Allerton said : 
 
 " What beats me is to understand how Kinahan 
 could have been such a mug as to commit these 
 schemes to paper, and how Kingdom should have 
 been such a fool as to want to keep them. I'd 
 have let them go down in the Orinoco." 
 
 "I expect one explanation covers both cases," 
 said Hughie. " Kingdom probably demanded his 
 orders in black and white, as a guarantee that he 
 would get his money when he had done his job. 
 Otherwise he had no claim on Kinahan for a 
 penny, beyond his ordinary wage as skipper. 
 Kinahan probably agreed, stipulating that the 
 letters should be handed back to him when they 
 squared accounts. It was a risky thing to do, but 
 when two thieves can't trust each other, and go 
 dropping about documentary evidence to that 
 effect well, that's where poor but deserving 
 people like ourselves come in. No, I should n't 
 think Kingdom would want to leave these behind ; 
 and I opine that he's a pretty sick man by this 
 time if he has missed them."
 
 152 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 He folded the letters up, and put them away 
 carefully. 
 
 "Now, gentlemen," he said briskly, "I propose 
 that we go below and see if there is sufficient 
 steam on the Orinoco to pump the rest of the 
 water out of her and get the propeller revolving 
 again. We'll have to damp down most of the 
 fires, because we can't run to many firemen, but I 
 think we ought to knock four or five knots out 
 of her in ordinary weather. Luckily, seventy- 
 five per cent of the ship's company are competent 
 engineers. After that we'll have some breakfast, 
 and after that we'll make tracks for home. We'll 
 work" he smacked his lips cheerily, like an 
 energetic pedagogue on the first morning of term 
 " in shifts of three. Two men w r ill run the 
 engine-room and stokehold, and the third will 
 take the wheel. The fourth can sleep. That will 
 give us each eighteen hours on and six hours off. 
 I don't know where we are, and I have no means 
 of finding out, as Captain Kingdom has walked 
 off with the chart and most of the proper instru- 
 ments. But we must be near land, or they would 
 not have taken to the boats yet. If we keep steam- 
 ing steadily east (with a little north in it), at about 
 a hundred miles a day, which I fancy is about 
 our limit, we should knock up against some- 
 thing sooner or later. And when we do, we'll get 
 hold of the proper authorities, and I venture to
 
 LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 153 
 
 think that with the help of these two letters and 
 that doctored bilge-valve down below we shall be 
 able to prepare a welcome for those three boat- 
 loads of shipwrecked mariners, when they arrive, 
 that will surprise them. Also, I fancy there will 
 be pickings for you in the way of salvage. What 
 a game!" Hughie stood up, and inhaled a great 
 breath. This was real life! "Are you on, boys ?" 
 he cried suddenly. "Is the old Orinoco going to 
 the bottom this journey?" 
 
 The crew rose at him and gave three cheers. 
 
 Later that afternoon, as the Orinoco pounded 
 along at a strictly processional pace through the 
 ruffling waters, the glass was falling and a 
 breeze getting up, Deputy -Quartermaster 
 Lionel Hinchcliffe Welford-Welford Allerton, 
 late scholar of Trinity College, Cambridge, some- 
 time Assistant Deck-Hand in the mercantile 
 marine, descried from his post on the bridge a 
 small moving object upon the starboard bow. 
 
 It was the Orinoco's whale-boat, which was 
 proceeding under two lugsails on a course parallel 
 with the steamer's. 
 
 Allerton, who in the excitement of salving the 
 Orinoco had almost forgotten the existence of the 
 gang of buccaneers who had scuttled her, excitedly 
 rang the telegraph bell and summoned the rest of 
 the ship's company to his side.
 
 154 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 The emotions, however, aroused in the Orinoco 
 by the sight of the whale-boat were mild in com- 
 parison with those excited in the undutiful whale- 
 boat by the spectacle of her resuscitated parent. 
 Mr. Angus, on beholding the steamer, kept dis- 
 creetly silent. He had given himself away by 
 seeing things which were not there once or twice 
 in his life before. But Captain Kingdom turned 
 a delicate apple-green. 
 
 "Look there!" he gasped, pointing. 
 
 "Yon bit cloud, ye mean?" said the cautious 
 Angus. 
 
 "No, no, man the Orinoco!" cried the 
 frantic skipper. 
 
 "Oh the shup! Aye, aye!" replied Mr. 
 Angus, rather pleased than otherwise. 
 
 "There's a crew on board her," continued 
 Kingdom shakily. "And she's got steam on her, 
 too!" 
 
 " Aye," said Mr. Angus. " I doot somebody will 
 have closed yon sea-cock again." 
 
 " Who can it be ?" demanded the captain fever- 
 ishly. "Surely we left no one on board. I told 
 Dingle to take that fellow Marrable in his boat." 
 
 "Perhaps," suggested Mr. Angus, "yin of the 
 other boats cam' back." 
 
 Kingdom pointed impatiently to two small 
 specks upon the horizon. 
 
 "They're there," he said.
 
 LITERA SCRIPTA MANET 155 
 
 "Maybe some liner has come across her and 
 left a bit crew on board her," continued the fer- 
 tile Mr. Angus. 
 
 "If so, we'd have seen the liner," replied King- 
 dom irritably. 
 
 He took up his binoculars and began to scruti- 
 nise the Orinoco, which had altered her course a 
 few points in their direction. 
 
 Mr. Angus had a fresh inspiration. 
 
 "Did ye mind tae wauken Walsh?" he whis- 
 pered. " If not, ye ken he micht weel 
 
 The captain lowered his glasses, and nodded. 
 
 "He might be one," he agreed; "but there are 
 four men on deck." He raised his binoculars 
 again. " Yes, there they are. Well, whoever they 
 are and whatever the game is, we must get on 
 board again and do the job properly this time. 
 
 Hallo, one of them is running below ! Here 
 he is again! He's carrying something flags, 
 I reckon. They're going to signal us." 
 
 He was right. Up to the topmost summit of 
 the Orinoco's grimy foremast towelled a signal 
 
 a banner with a strange device indeed, but 
 conveying a perfectly intelligible message for all 
 that. It consisted of the nether or unmention- 
 able portion of a ragged suit of orange-and-red 
 striped pyjamas. 
 
 Having reached its destination, it inflated itself 
 in the freshening breeze and streamed out, de-
 
 156 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 fiant and derisive, in the rays of the setting sun ; 
 flinging to the fermenting couple in the whale- 
 boat the simple but comprehensive intimation 
 "Sold!" 
 
 Then, with one single joyous toot from her 
 siren, the Orinoco altered her course a couple of 
 points and wallowed off in a north-easterly direc- 
 tion, leaving the crew of the whale-boat to listen 
 in admiring silence to a sulphurous antistrophe 
 in two dialects proceeding from the stern-sheets.
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 
 
 HUGHIE reckoned that they might have to 
 steam eastward for quite three or four days be- 
 fore they sighted land. 
 
 This was an underestimate. 
 
 The history of the Orinoco's last voyage will 
 never be written. In the first place, those who 
 took part in it were none of them men who were 
 addicted to the composition of travellers' tales; 
 and in the second, their recollections of the course 
 of events when all was over, were hopelessly 
 and rather mercifully blurred. Not that they 
 minded. One derives no pleasure or profit from 
 reconstructing a nightmare especially when it 
 has lasted for sixteen days and nights. 
 
 Some events, of course, were focussed more 
 sharply in their memories than others. There 
 was that eternity of thirty-six hours during which 
 the Orinoco, with every vulnerable orifice sealed 
 up or battened down, her asthmatic engines puls- 
 ing just vigorously enough to keep her head be- 
 fore the wind, rode out a north-easterly gale 
 which blew her many miles out of her reckoning. 
 ("Not that that matters much," said her philo-
 
 158 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 sophic commander. "We don't know where we 
 are now, it's true ; but then we did n't know where 
 we were before, so what's the odds? We'll keep 
 on steering away about north-east, and as we are 
 aiming at a target eight hundred miles wide we 
 ought to hit it somewhere.") Then there was a 
 palpitating night when the faithful engines, hav- 
 ing wheezily but unceasingly performed their 
 allotted task for a period long enough to lull all 
 who depended upon them into an optimistic frame 
 of mind, broke down utterly and absolutely ; and 
 the fires had to be banked and the Orinoco al- 
 lowed to wallow unrestrainedly in the trough of 
 the sea while the entire ship's company, with 
 cracking muscles and heart-breaking gasps, re- 
 leased a jammed crosshead from the guides and 
 took down a leaky cylinder. 
 
 They were evidently out of the ordinary sea- 
 lanes, for they sighted only one steamer in ten 
 days, and her they allowed to go by. 
 
 "None of us understand proper signalling," 
 said Hughie, "so we can't attract her attention 
 without doing something absurdly theatrical, 
 like running up the ensign upside down; and 
 I'm hanged if we'll do that yet. After all, we 
 only want to know where we are. We may be 
 just off the coast of Ireland for all I can say, and 
 it does seem feeble to bring a liner out of her 
 course to ask her footling questions. It would
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 159 
 
 be like stopping the Flying Scotsman to get a 
 light for one's pipe." 
 
 "Or asking a policeman in Piccadilly Circus 
 the nearest way to the Criterion bar," added 
 Allerton. "I'm with you all the time, cap- 
 tain." 
 
 And so these four mendicants allowed a poten- 
 tial Good Samaritan to pass by and sink behind 
 the horizon. It was an action typical of their 
 race: they had no particular objection to death, 
 but they drew the line at being smiled at. Still, 
 there were moments during the next ten days 
 when they rather regretted their diffidence. 
 
 But events like these were mere excrescences 
 in a plane of dead monotony. The day's work 
 was made up of endless hours in a Gehenna-like 
 stokehold, where with aching backs and bleeding 
 hands they laboured to feed the insatiable fires, 
 or crawled along tunnel-like bunkers in search 
 of the gradually receding coal ; spells at the wheel 
 sometimes lashed to it in biting wind or 
 blinding fog; the whole sustained on a diet of 
 ship's biscuit, salt pork, and lukewarm coffee, 
 tempered by brief but merciful intervals of the 
 slumber of utter exhaustion. 
 
 Still, one can get used to anything. They even 
 enjoyed themselves after a fashion. High en- 
 deavour counts for something, whether you have 
 a wife and family dependent upon you, like Walsh,
 
 160 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 or can extract la joie de vivre out of an eighteen- 
 hour day and a workhouse diet, like Hughie. 
 
 And they got to know each other, thoroughly, 
 a privilege denied to most in these days of 
 restless activity and multifarious acquaintance. 
 
 It was a lasting wonder to Hughie how Allerton 
 could ever have fallen to his present estate; for 
 he displayed an amount of energy, endurance, 
 and initiative during this manhood- testing voyage 
 that was amazing. He himself ascribed his virtue 
 to want of opportunity to practise anything else, 
 but this was obviously too modest an explanation. 
 Perhaps blood always tells. At any rate, Allerton 
 took unquestioned rank as second in command 
 over the heads of two men whose technical know- 
 ledge and physical strength far exceeded his own. 
 But in his hours of ease few enough now 
 he was as easy-going and flippant and casual as 
 ever. 
 
 Walsh in a sense was the weakest of the quar- 
 tet. He was a capable engineer and an honest 
 man, but he lacked the devil-may-care non- 
 chalance of the other three; for he had a wife 
 and eight children waiting for him in distant 
 Limehouse, and a fact like that gives a man a 
 distaste for adventure. He was a disappointed 
 man, too. He had held a chief engineer's "ticket" 
 for seven years, but he had never held a chief 
 engineer's billet. He could never afford to knock
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 161 
 
 off work and wait until the right berth should 
 come his way : he must always take the first that 
 offered, for fear that the tale of boots and bread 
 in Limehouse should diminish. As a crowning 
 stroke of ill-luck, he had been paid off from his 
 last job because his ship had collided with a New 
 York lighter and been compelled to go into dry 
 dock for three months; and by shipping in the 
 Orinoco he was barely doing more than work 
 his passage home. His ten-year-old dream of 
 delivering Mrs. Walsh from her wash-tub for all 
 time, and exalting her from the res angustoe of 
 Teak Street, Limehouse, to a social environment 
 reserved exclusively for the wives of chief engi- 
 neers, seemed as far from fulfilment as ever. 
 Still, he maintained a stiff upper lip and kept his 
 watch like a man, which is more than most of us 
 would have done under the circumstances. 
 
 But it was Goble who interested Hughie most. 
 In the long night-watches, as they swung the 
 heavy fire-shovels in the stokehold, or heaved 
 the ever-accumulating clinkers over the side, or 
 took turn and turn about to gulp tepid water 
 out of a sooty bucket, or met over a collation of 
 coffee and ship's biscuit the supper of one and 
 the breakfast of the other in the galley, Goble 
 would let fall dry pawky reflections on life in 
 general, with autobiographical illustrations, which 
 enabled Hughie to piece together a fairly com-
 
 162 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 prehensive idea of his companion's previous ex- 
 istence. 
 
 John Alexander Goble had played many parts 
 in his time, like most vagrants. He had been 
 born a gamekeeper's son in Renfrewshire, and 
 had lost his father early, that devoted upholder 
 of proprietary rights having been shot through 
 the head in a poaching affray. After this ca- 
 tastrophe the widow, who had openly pined for 
 her native Glasgow during the whole of her hus- 
 band's lifetime, had returned to that municipal 
 paradise; and the ripening youth of John Alex- 
 ander Goble had been passed in a delectable 
 locality, known as "The Coocaddens," to which 
 he could never refer without a gleam of tender 
 reminiscence in his eyes. 
 
 Why John Alexander had ever deserted this 
 Eden Hughie could never rightly ascertain. His 
 references to that particular epoch in his career 
 were invariably obscure; but since he darkly 
 observed on one occasion that "weemen can mak' 
 a gowk o' the best man leevin',' ' Hughie gathered 
 that Mr. Goble's present course of life owed its 
 origin to a tender but unsatisfactory episode in 
 the dim and distant days of his hot youth. 
 
 "After that," John would continue elliptically, 
 "I went tae Motherwell. D' ye ken Motherwell ? 
 A grand place ! Miles and miles of blast-furnaces, 
 and the sky lit up day and nicht, like the Last
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 163 
 
 Judgment. I did a wheen odd jobs there. Whiles 
 I would hurl a trolley wi' coke, whiles I would 
 sort coal wi' some lassies, and at last I got a job 
 as a moulder." 
 
 "What's that?" inquired the ever-receptive 
 Hughie. 
 
 "What else but a body that makes moulds?" 
 
 "Yes, but how does he do it?" 
 
 " W T eel, there's a sort o' sandy place at the fit o' 
 each smelting-furnace like a bit sea-shore, ye '11 
 understand and every four-and-twenty hours 
 they cast the furnace. They let oot the melted 
 ore, that is, and it rins doon intil moulds that hae 
 been made in the sand. (Ye dae it by just buryin' 
 baulks o' timber in rows and then pickin ' them oot 
 again, and the stuff rins intil the hollows that have 
 been left. When it's cauld they ca' it pig-iron.) 
 Well, I stuck tae that job for a matter o' sax 
 months. But it was drouthy work, besides bein' 
 haird on the feet, you go scratch-scratching in 
 the sand wi' your bare soles makin' the moulds, 
 and presently I gave it up and took tae daen' odd 
 jobs among the trucks and engines in the yairds. 
 I liked that fine, for machinery is the yin thing 
 that really excites me. First I was a coupler, then 
 I was a fireman, then I got tae drivin' a wee 
 shunting engine, dunting trucks about the yaird. 
 And at last I was set in charge o' a winding-en- 
 gine at a pit-heid. That was a grand job ; but it
 
 164 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 didna last long. I was drinkin' haird by this time 
 I'd stairtit after I left the Coocaddens and 
 yin' day I was that fou' I let the cage gang doon 
 wi' a run tae the bottom o' the shaft." 
 
 "Was there anybody in the cage?" inquired 
 Hughie, as Goble paused, as if to contemplate 
 some mental picture. 
 
 " There was not, thank God ! But there was a 
 bit laddie doon ablow in the pit, that was sittin' on 
 his hutch his truck, that is at the fit o' the 
 shaft, waitin' on the cage. He wasna expectin' the 
 thing tae fall doon like a daud o' putty, so he was 
 no' sittin' quite clear ; and the cage cam' doon and 
 took off baith his feet. Man, I hae never forgot- 
 ten his mither's face when they brought him up. 
 I lost ma job, and I hae never touched a drop 
 since. For seven-and-twenty years have I been 
 on the teetotal seven-and-twenty years! It'll 
 shorten ma life, I doot," he added gloomily; "but 
 I'll bide by it!" 
 
 "What became of the boy?" inquired Hughie. 
 
 "He's gotten twa wooden feet the noo," re- 
 plied Goble more cheerfully, "and he's been 
 minding the lamp-room this twenty year. I've 
 heard frae him noo and again, and we've always 
 been freens; but his auld mither has never for- 
 given me. She's ower seventy the day, but Jeems 
 tells me she aye lets a curse every time he men- 
 tions ma name."
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 165 
 
 A further instalment of Mr. Goble's adventures 
 explained how he took to the sea. 
 
 "After I cleared oot o' Motherwell I went to 
 the Clydeside. I was a fair enough mechanic by 
 this time, but I had tak'n a sort o' skunner at 
 machinery no wi'oot some reason and I tried 
 for to get taken on as a dock-hand. I had no luck 
 there, and I was fair starvin' when yin day I met 
 a freend o' min' on the Dumbarton Road, and he 
 asked me would I like tae wash dishes and peel 
 potaties on a passenger steamer. I would hae 
 been pleased tae soop the lums o' muckle Hell 
 by that time, gin it was for a wage, I was that 
 thrawn wi' hunger; so I jist said, "Deed ay!' 
 
 "For a hale summer I sat peelin' potaties and 
 washin' dishes on board the Electra, her that has 
 done a trip doon the watter, roond about Arran 
 and Bute, and hame by Skelmorlie ilka day o' the 
 summer season for twenty-twa years. When the 
 winter cam' on I dooted I would be oot o' a job 
 again; but bein' nowadays permanently on the 
 teetotal, and varra dependable, I was shifted 
 tae the auld Stornoway, o' the same line, carryin' 
 goods, cattle, and passengers tae the West High- 
 lands Coll, Tiree, Barra, Uist, Ullapool, and 
 a wheen places in and oot o' sea-lochs up and doon 
 that coast. She loused frae the Broomielaw every 
 Thursday at three o'clock in the afternoon, and 
 she was back there, week in week out, summer
 
 166 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 and winter, by eleven in the forenoon o' the follow- 
 ing Wednesday. The folk along by Largs, where 
 her cap'n lived, used tae set their watches by her. 
 She was a fine auld boat, the Stornoway : she piled 
 herself up on the rocks below the Scuir of Eig, 
 where she had no call tae be, in a snowstorm seven 
 winters syne. I was a cabin steward nowadays, 
 ye '11 unnerstand ; and once we were roond the Mull 
 and the passengers had thrawn up what they'd 
 had tae their tea off Gourock and tak'n a dander 
 ashore at Oban, appetites was big and I was busy. 
 It was the first time I had seen the gentry at their 
 meals, and it improved my mainners considerable. 
 Never since then have I skailed ma tea intil ma 
 saucer : I jist gie a bit blow on it noo. Yon's Mr. 
 Allerton roarin* for to be relieved at the wheel." 
 
 On another occasion Goble explained how he 
 came to forsake the fleshpots of the Stornoway 
 and take to the high seas. 
 
 "I was aye hankerin', hankerin' after the 
 machinery," he explained. "A body canna serve 
 tables all his life. So after twa^years on the Storn- 
 oway I shippit as a fireman on a passenger steamer 
 outward bound frae Glasgow tae Bilbao. There 
 I left her, tae be second engineer on a wee tramp 
 carrying iron-ore tae the Mediterranean. That 
 was nigh twenty years ago, and I've never set 
 fit in Scotland since. Weel, weel ! Aha ! Mphm !" 
 (Ad lib. and da capo.)
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 167 
 
 So he would discourse, in a manner which passed 
 many a weary hour for both, and added consider- 
 ably to Hughie's stock of human knowledge. 
 
 The days wore on. The work and long hours 
 were beginning to tell their tale, but the entire 
 crew kept grimly to it. Their nerves were in good 
 order too. Even when, on the morning of the 
 sixteenth day, as they groped their way through 
 a streaming wet fog, a great ghostly monster of a 
 liner suddenly loomed out of the wrack, and, as 
 she shouldered her way past them, actually scraped 
 the starboard counter with her stern, while the 
 look-out on her forward deck yelled frantically, 
 and a frightened man up aloft on the bridge flung 
 his wheel over with great rattling of steam steer- 
 ing-gear to avoid a collision, the sole occupant 
 of the Orinoco's deck it was Goble : he was 
 steering while Hughie and Walsh took their turn 
 in the stokehold and Allerton slept did not 
 deem the occasion sufficiently important to merit 
 a report until he was relieved from duty two hours 
 later. 
 
 But this encounter provided that pawky philo- 
 sopher with a valuable clue as to their where- 
 abouts. 
 
 "She was a Ben liner," he intimated to Hughie 
 in describing the event. " I saw the twa bit stripes 
 roond her funnel, and her name, Ben Cruachan, 
 on her stern. They're Glasgow boats, and sail
 
 168 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 every other Thursday tae Buenos Ayres, calling 
 at Moville on Lough Foyle tae tak' up Irish pas- 
 sengers. It's no' near Cape Clear we are, any- 
 way. We're somewhere off the north coast o* 
 Ireland, sir. I kenned fine we were near land: 
 this is a ground swell that's throwin' us aboot 
 noo. Aiblins we'll be gettin' a dunt against the 
 Giant's Causeway if we're no' canny." 
 
 There was something in Goble's conclusions, 
 for after they had steamed dead slow all night 
 the rising sun licked up the fog; and there, ten 
 miles to the south of them, lay a long green sea- 
 coast; and straight before them uprose what 
 looked like a rocky island, with a homely-looking 
 white lighthouse perched half-way up its rugged 
 face. 
 
 "If that land to the right is Ireland," said 
 Hughie, "we can't be very far from Scotland. I 
 wonder what that great rock ahead of us can be. 
 Lucky we did n't reach it a couple of hours ago !" 
 
 "Don't you think," suggested Allerton, put- 
 ting his head out of the engine-room hatchway, 
 " that as we have a pukka Scot on board, we had 
 better rouse him up and see if he can identify his 
 native land?" 
 
 It was Goble's turn for sleep, but Allerton 's sug- 
 gestion was adopted, and he was haled on deck. 
 
 "Do you happen to recognise that island 
 straight ahead, Mr. Goble ?" inquired Hughie.
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 169 
 
 Goble surveyed the rock and the lighthouse, 
 and though his countenance remained unmoved, 
 his eye lit up with proprietary pride. 
 
 "Island? Yon's no' an island," he replied. 
 " 'T is Scotland hersel'. Sir, 't is the Mull o' Kin- 
 tyre! It rins straight awa' back tae Argyllshire. 
 We're at the varra mouth o' the Clyde. We micht 
 hae been drawed there across the Atlantic by a 
 bit string! God presairve us, it's a miracle!" 
 
 "The Clyde ?" shouted Hughie. It seemed too 
 utterly good to be true. " Are you sure, Goble ? 
 Is that really the Mull ?" 
 
 "Sure ?" Goble's expression was a mixture of 
 pity and resentment. "Man, I'm tellin' ye I 
 sailed roond it twice a week for the best pairt o' 
 twa years. I was awfu' sick the first time. The 
 second " 
 
 All this time the Mull of Kintyre was growing 
 nearer. 
 
 "What's the course?" queried Walsh, leaning 
 over the bridge. "Do I turn up New Cut, Mr. 
 Goble, or keep straight along the Blackfr'ars 
 Road?" 
 
 Everybody's spirits were soaring marvellously 
 at the sight of the blessed green land. Walsh's 
 wife was within twenty-four hours of him. 
 
 "Keep yon heap o' stanes on your left hand, 
 ma mannie," replied the greatly inflated Goble, 
 facetiously indicating the towering headland be-
 
 170 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 fore them, "and then straight on Ailsa Craig. 
 You're daen' fine. Mr. Marrable, will you rin her 
 up tae the Tail o' the Bank, off Greenock, or gi'e 
 a cry in at Campbeltown Bay ? It's jist roond 
 the corner." 
 
 "Hang it! we'll take her all the way, now we 
 have got so far," said Hughie. "We're home! 
 I was reckoning on bringing up in Plymouth 
 Sound; but that's a detail. Come on, Allerton, 
 let's go below and fire up for the last time. We'll 
 bring her in in style!" 
 
 And so it came about that not many hours 
 later the Orinoco, a rotting hulk, clogged with 
 weed, corroded with rust, caked with salt, feebly 
 churning up the water with her debilitated pro- 
 peller, steamed painfully but grandly past the 
 Cloch Light and into the mouth of the Clyde. A 
 sorry object she may have seemed to the butter- 
 fly host of natty paddle-steamers which was 
 pouring down the river under the forced draught 
 of triple competition, carrying the Glasgow man, 
 released from office, to Dunoon and Rothesay 
 and other summer repositories for wife and 
 family. But to those who knew, she was no un- 
 cleanly tramp, but a battle-scarred veteran, a 
 ship that had deserved well of the Republic of 
 the high seas, another little Golden Hind, 
 though laden with nothing nearer to Spanish in- 
 gots than bottles of imitation French claret. Every
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 171 
 
 scar on her sides was an honourable wound; 
 every groan and creak that rose from her start- 
 ing timbers a paean ; every cough and wheeze that 
 proceeded from her leaky cylinders a prayer of 
 joyful thanks. The Orinoco had graduated high 
 in the nameless but glorious band of those who 
 have illustrated, not altogether without profit and 
 pride, the homely truth that 
 
 Life ain't holdin' good cards; 
 It's playin' a poor hand well! 
 
 And so she turned the last corner of her long 
 and painful Odyssey, and came home to lay up 
 her bones by the Clyde, which had given them 
 birth. And by a happy chance the unconscious 
 Hughie, instead of navigating her to the Tail of 
 the Bank as he had intended, changed his mind, 
 put over his helm, and conned her up to the head 
 of that beautiful Gareloch which, many many 
 years ago, had given the little ship her maiden 
 name. 
 
 There, swinging at her rusty cable, with the 
 clear green water laving her weary forefoot, and 
 the hills above Roseneath and Shandon smiling 
 reassuringly down upon her in the glow of the 
 evening sun, we will leave her. Molliter ossa 
 cubentl 
 
 The law's delays are proverbial, and the task of 
 getting even with Mr. Noddy Kinahan involved
 
 172 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 Hughie in endless encounters with those in high 
 places, several appearances (with suite) in the 
 abodes of the Law, and another trip to New 
 York by Cunarder this time. 
 
 However, grim determination will accomplish 
 most things ; and when some months later Hughie 
 finally sailed from New York for his native land, 
 the labour of love had been completed, and Mr. 
 Noddy Kinahan was duly regretting, for a term 
 of years, the fact that he had ever been born. 
 
 This consummation was followed by another, 
 depressing but inevitable. The Orinoco Salvage 
 Company, having served its purpose, paid Na- 
 ture's debt and ceased to exist. The circum- 
 stances connected with its demise, together with 
 the respective fates of Hughie's little band of Argo- 
 nauts, will best be gathered from the following 
 epistolary excerpts : 
 
 No. I (N. B. Spelling corrected) 
 
 % MISTRESS HOWIESON, 
 17 CANDLJSH STREET, GREENOCK. 
 
 To H. MARRABLE, Esq. : 
 
 SIR, I thank you for cheque, and have dis- 
 posed of same. I also thank you for offer to find 
 a job for me. But I would prefer to bide by you, 
 as I feel I will not get a better job than that. I 
 would like fine to be your servant. You will be 
 needing some one to redd up your quarters and
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 173 
 
 keep your clothes sorted, now you are ashore. 
 (Women is no' to be trusted.) Of course I would 
 not want a big wage : the siller from the Orinoco 
 will do grandly for a long time. I ken fine the 
 way to wait at table and clean silver, having been 
 steward, as I once telled you, on the old Storno- 
 way, where they had a cuddy full of gentry every 
 trip. Your servant (I am hoping) , 
 
 JNO. ALEX. GOBLE. 
 
 No. II 
 
 (Extracts. No date or address, but obviously 
 written in a public-house) 
 
 ... So you must take the money back. It is 
 no use to me : all I should get out of it would be 
 a d d bad headache. Also, it might give me 
 ideas above my station, which is bad for the lower 
 orders at any time. Give it to Walsh ; but don't 
 let on, of course, that it comes from me : let him 
 believe that it is part of his natural share of the sal- 
 vage. I have kept back enough to pay for a new 
 suit (which I am now wearing) and one big bust 
 before I sail next week as deck steward on an 
 Aberdeen liner. 
 
 . . . Well, it was a great trip. We have all got 
 something out of it. You have got an adventure 
 and incidentally done a big thing, and I have 
 spent a month of absolute happiness in the so- 
 ciety of men who regarded me neither as an ob-
 
 174 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 ject of pity nor as a monster of depravity, but 
 were content to let me go my own way as a man 
 who prefers to live his own life and be asked no 
 questions. . . . Your offer to set me on my 
 legs again and make me a respectable member of 
 society is friendly and, I suppose, natural; but 
 it threatens a happy episode with a sad ending. 
 I'm not cut out for conventionality, and (pace 
 your kind references to my "sterling merit and 
 latent force of character") I am not of the stuff 
 that successful men are made of. I have only 
 done two big things in my life. One was getting 
 elected to Pop at Eton, the other was helping 
 you to bring the old Orinoco home. I think I'll 
 rest on my laurels now. I suppose I was born a 
 rotter, and if you were to endeavour to raise me 
 to your giddy heights I should only fall down 
 again, and the bump at the bottom might hurt. I 
 am safer where I am : the beauty of lying on the 
 floor is that you can't fall off. 
 
 . . . Well, chin, chin! If I may be permitted 
 to gush for a moment, I should like to tell you that 
 you are a good sort. Yours ever, 
 
 LIONEL ALLERTON. 
 
 No. Ill 
 
 No. 4 TEAK ST., LIMEHOUSE. 
 
 DEAR SIR, I beg to acknowledge with thanks 
 your cheque for share of salvage. It was far more
 
 THE END OF AN ODYSSEY 175 
 
 than I expected, and the Adm'ty C'ts have cer- 
 tainly done well by us. At the best, I had hoped 
 for suffic'nt to rig out the nippers with boots and 
 duds for the winter and give the missis a week 
 or two off the laundry work. We have all been 
 fair barmy the last few days. Square meals and 
 a big fire, and you can't hear yours' If talk for 
 the squeaking of the new boots. We are settling 
 down a bit now, and I have put the rest of the 
 money in the bank and told the old woman she 
 is to burn her wash-tubs. Catch her : I d'n't think ! 
 With my new clothes I have obt'd a berth as 
 Chief on board s.s. Batavia, of the Imperial Line, 
 and sail on 21st inst. Her engines are (several 
 lines of hopeless technicalities omitted). It was a 
 lucky day for me when I struck the Orinoco, and 
 luckier when Angus doctored my grog. 
 
 On returning from voyage will take the lib'ty 
 of calling on you in London at the address you 
 gave. Yrs. respect'fly, 
 
 JAS. WALSH 
 
 (Chief Engineer s.s. Batavia). 
 POSTSCRIPT (In a larger and leas educated hand) 
 
 MR. MARRABLE, DEAR SIR, The children 
 and me begs to thank you for all your kindness to 
 father. Father he is very greatful himself, but 
 would rather leave it to me to tell you, as he don't 
 like. Mr. Marrable, sir, if you could only see the
 
 176 FORTITER IN RE 
 
 diff'nce in the children, espec'ly little Albert, 
 what was always sickly, since they got good 
 boots and food inside them you would feel well 
 paid for your kindness. I know the money did 
 not come from you, but it was through you we 
 got it. God bless you, sir. Yours resp'fly, 
 MRS. MARTHA WALSH. 
 
 P. S. Our ninth, which has just come, we 
 are taking the liberty to call by your name.
 
 BOOK THREE 
 
 SUAVITER IN MODO
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 
 SEALED ORDERS 
 
 ON a bright morning in April Hughie emerged 
 from the offices of Messrs. Slocum, Spink, and 
 Slocum, Solicitors, in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and 
 made for the Strand. 
 
 Like most men who have been abroad for a 
 long time, he trod the streets of London with 
 an oddly mingled sensation of familiarity and 
 strangeness. At one moment he felt that he had 
 been living in London for years, at another he 
 felt that he was exploring a new city. The Strand 
 itself, save for the old congested stretch in the 
 neighbourhood of Charing Cross, was almost 
 unrecognisable. Gone for ever were the various 
 landmarks of his youth, such as the Old Gaiety 
 and the Lowther Arcade. Holywell Street and 
 Wych Street, with their delectable environs, had 
 vanished like a bad but interesting dream, leav- 
 ing room for a broad and stately thoroughfare, 
 in the midst of which the churches of St. Mary 
 and St. Clement Danes split the traffic like boul- 
 ders in a Highland spate, and the Law Courts 
 acquired an unfamiliar prominence. A new fair- 
 way of uncanny width and straightness clove its
 
 180 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 course to Holborn, blocked at its mouth by a 
 dismal patch of excavated territory resembling 
 nothing so much as what Scotsmen term a "free 
 toom," and proclaiming to all and sundry, by 
 means of a gigantic notice-board, that This Site 
 was To Let as a Whole. 
 
 The traffic had developed too. There were 
 countless motor-buses, which shook the earth 
 and smelt to heaven ; and taxicabs, which skipped 
 like rams and quacked like ducks. 
 
 But after all, though landmarks change their 
 bearings and banks be washed away, the stream 
 flows on unchanged. The people were the same, 
 and Hughie felt comforted. The smell of asphalt 
 was the same, and he felt uplifted. And when 
 he beheld the torrents of traffic that converge on 
 the Wellington Street crossing arrest their courses 
 seriatim and pile themselves up in a manner that 
 would have done credit to the waters of Jordan, 
 all at the bidding of an imperturbable figure in 
 a blue uniform, he felt that he was indeed home 
 once more. 
 
 Presently he hailed a taxicab, and whizzed 
 along, exulting like a child with a new toy, to 
 a railway station, where John Alexander Goble, 
 having previously superintended the placing of 
 his master's luggage in the train (with a maxi- 
 mum of precaution on his part and a minimum of 
 profit on the porter's), was waiting to see him off.
 
 SEALED ORDERS 181 
 
 Hughie dismissed his retainer to take charge 
 of his newly acquired flat until his return, and 
 having secured his seat, followed his invariable 
 custom and went forward to view the engine. 
 He noted with interest that compound locomotives 
 seemed to have made little or no progress in the 
 country's favour, but that the prejudice against 
 high-pitched boilers and six-coupled wheels had 
 disappeared. 
 
 He then made his way to the refreshment room, 
 where alone, he noted, Time's devastating 
 hand appeared to have stood still, and having 
 lunched frugally off something from under a glass 
 dome which the divinity behind the counter, in 
 response to a respectful inquiry, brusquely de- 
 scribed as "fourpence," together with as much 
 bitter beer as remained after the same damosel 
 had slapped its containing vessel playfully down 
 on the fingers of a pimply but humorous youth 
 who was endeavouring to tempt the appetites of 
 two wizened sardines, exposed for sale on a piece 
 of toast, with a hard-boiled egg from a neigh- 
 bouring plate, returned to his seat in the train; 
 where he was duly locked in by a porter, who 
 displayed an amount of cheerful gratitude for 
 sixpence that an American baggage-man would 
 have considered excessive at a dollar. Here, with 
 a rug, a pipe, and a quantity of illustrated papers, 
 most of which had come to birth since he had
 
 182 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 left England, and all of which appeared to de- 
 pend for their livelihood on the exploitation of 
 the lighter lyric drama, Hughie settled himself 
 for a comfortable run along the Thames Valley. 
 This done, he took two letters from his pocket. 
 One had been opened already. It was an obvi- 
 ously feminine production, and said : 
 
 "MANORS, Monday. 
 
 " DEAR HUGHIE, We are all thrilled to hear 
 that you are home at last. You must come down 
 here at once and be our guest until you have 
 looked round, and then you can renew all our 
 acquaintances at one go. There are lots of nice 
 people with us just now, so come! You will be 
 feeling lonely, poor thing, landing in this country 
 after so many years, and of course you will miss 
 poor Mr. Marrable sadly. I suppose you have 
 heard all about his death from the lawyers by 
 this time, or perhaps you saw it in the papers two 
 years ago. 
 
 " Mr. D'Arcy is here ; also Joan, of course. My 
 husband, too, wants to have the pleasure of en- 
 tertaining you that is, if you are prepared not 
 to shoot him on sight! I don't think, though, 
 that I shall be able to command your regretful 
 affections any more. One look at me will be 
 sufficient for you. Alas, I have two chins and 
 three babies !
 
 SEALED ORDERS 183 
 
 "However, come down on Saturday, and you 
 can size us all up. I suppose you know that Mr. 
 Marrable asked us to take Manors and look after 
 Joan until you or he came home again; so you 
 won't play the heavy landlord and evict us on 
 the spot, will you ? Yours ever, 
 
 "MILDRED LEROY." 
 
 Hughie put this epistle away with a slightly 
 sentimental sigh. It did not seem so very long 
 since he had been organising May Week festivi- 
 ties in Miss Mildred Freshwater' s honour. Now 
 two chins and three babies ! Eheu, fugaces ! 
 
 The other letter had not yet been opened, and 
 Hughie broke the seal. The envelope looked 
 blue and legal, and its contents consisted of sev- 
 eral pages of Jimmy Marrable's stiff upright hand- 
 writing. The date was nearly three years old. 
 
 " I am leaving England again " it began 
 " next week, and I doubt very much if I shall ever 
 come back. It is not in the breed to die in bed of 
 something stuffy. The only tie that keeps me 
 here is Joey, and she is too much occupied at 
 present in collecting scalps to pay much attention 
 to the old ruin who brought her up. In about four 
 years' time she may be fit to live with again : at 
 present she is not; and I refuse point-blank for 
 the time being to play second fiddle to any young
 
 184 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 cub who ever wore magenta socks and a pleated 
 shirt. I think it quite time that you came home 
 and took her in hand. Indeed, if you don't ap- 
 pear on the scene within two years, I have given 
 instructions that you are to be ferreted out and 
 asked to do so. When you do return you will re- 
 ceive this letter, in which I am going to set down 
 the manner in which I wish my estate to be ad- 
 ministered on Joey's behalf if I don't come back. 
 
 " In the first place, I must tell you that Manors 
 goes to you by entail, but that all the rest is Joey's, 
 and you will be her sole trustee and guardian. 
 Lance is of age, and independent, and I have 
 disposed of things in such a way that he can't 
 possibly interfere with the management of Joey's 
 affairs. Secondly, I want to tell you something 
 about the children themselves. 
 
 " I am not their father, though I very nearly was, 
 and though every old shrew in the neighbourhood 
 thinks I am. Their mother was the most beauti- 
 ful and lovable girl I have ever known, and the 
 only woman in the world I ever cared a rap for. 
 Ours was a boy-and-girl idyll, though I was ten 
 years her senior. I had known her ever since I 
 could carry her on my back, and it was always a 
 sort of understood thing between us that we were 
 to marry each other when the time came. 
 
 "Till she was nineteen and I twenty-nine, I 
 suppose we were the happiest couple under the
 
 SEALED ORDERS 185 
 
 broad heaven. Then she let down her skirt and 
 put up her hair and made her debut. (I should say 
 that she lived alone with her old father, a retired 
 East Indian of the time of John Company.) To 
 her own surprise and my great pride at first 
 she caused quite a sensation, for besides her face 
 she had the prettiest manners possible. If you 
 want to know what she was like you will find a 
 miniature of her among my papers. Or perhaps 
 it would be simpler to look at Joey. 
 
 " But now the trouble began. Irene that was 
 her name soon discovered an immense appetite 
 for admiration, which was quite natural and ex- 
 cusable. (One can't blame a girl for making all 
 the runs she can while her innings lasts; God 
 knows, it is short enough!) But presently she 
 could not do without it. She was always ' asking 
 for it,' as they say nowadays. Sometimes she 
 made herself rather conspicuous, and people be- 
 gan to smile at her. I ground my teeth, and, 
 finally, at the least suitable moment, I put my 
 oar in. I expostulated. No, I did n't expostulate : 
 I simply ordered her to mend her ways, and gen- 
 erally acted the Grand Turk and proud proprietor 
 rolled into one. My word, Hughie, she was furi- 
 ous ! There had never been any definite engage- 
 ment between us, and she opened her defence by 
 saying so, pat. It happened at a ball, where she 
 had been making herself rather noticeable with
 
 186 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 a seedy ruffian half actor, half poet called 
 Gaymer, against whom I had been fool enough to 
 warn her. She informed me that she was her own 
 mistress, and that I was an officious busybody. 
 If I had had the sense to tell her there and then 
 that I loved her more than all the world, and that 
 I was jealous of the very ground she walked on, 
 let alone the people she spoke to, - she would 
 have melted at once, I swear ; for she was as im- 
 pulsive and generous as a child, and she loved 
 me, too, I know. If I had even lost my temper 
 and called her a brazen hussy, she would have 
 forgiven me in time : a woman regards a remark 
 like that as a sort of compliment. But I smiled 
 indulgently, shrugged my shoulders, and said 
 that she would look at these things differently 
 when she was older. 
 
 "That did it. Apparently there is only one 
 crime in this world more heinous than telling an 
 old woman that she is old, and that is to tell a 
 young woman that she is young. Irene got straight 
 up and left me sitting, and went home without 
 ever looking in my direction again that night. 
 
 "Next day I called at her father's house to 
 make my peace. I was prepared to admit that I 
 had been an irritating young cub, and eat humble 
 pie generally. But I was too late. She was gone ! 
 She had bolted, in some wild fit of pique or sen- 
 timentalism, with that long-haired exponent of
 
 SEALED ORDERS 187 
 
 Byron ism-and- water, Lance Gaymer, and had 
 married him at a Registry Office that very morn- 
 ing. Probably she had fallen in with his proposals 
 at the ball after her interview with me. 
 
 "Well, Hughie, I would rather pass over the 
 next few years. I cut her out of my scheme of 
 things as completely as I could, and went on my 
 way. Fortunately you began to engage my atten- 
 tion about that time, and I rubbed along somehow, 
 and finally developed into the fine old crusted 
 fogey that you know me to be. 
 
 "Ten years later I heard from her. She sent 
 for me. I had never known where she was, nor 
 tried to find out. But I did not expect to find 
 her where I did. She was in a miserable dingy 
 house in Bloomsbury dying, Hughie ! Her ruf- 
 fianly husband had left her after her second baby 
 was born, our Joey, that is, and her old 
 father had been dead eight years. She had not a 
 friend in the world, and yet she would not turn 
 to me till it was too late. Pride, pride, pride ! For 
 some years she had been struggling on with a 
 little money her father had left her, and which 
 her husband had not been able to get hold of, 
 and she had also taken in lodgers. Lodgers, 
 Hughie ! It was only when she realised that she 
 was going out for good that the thought of the 
 kiddies' future began to frighten her, and she 
 sent for me at last !
 
 188 SUAV1TER IN MODO 
 
 "I was with her during most of the remaining 
 three months of her life, to the scandal isation of 
 virtuous Bloomsbury. I wanted to bring her to 
 Manors, which she had often visited in her child- 
 hood, but she said she preferred to die in London ; 
 and as she was obviously going to die somewhere 
 pretty soon, I did not press the point. During 
 that time we lived a life of almost perfect happi- 
 ness; and when she finally slipped away, quite 
 peacefully, poor child ! she was barely thirty- 
 two, and I took the youngsters home with me, 
 the long waste of years behind us seemed almost as 
 though it never had been, so completely had the 
 recollection of it been wiped out by the interven- 
 ing three months. Love can work marvels, 
 Hughie, even though it come to a man at the 
 very last. 
 
 "I may add that during the closing weeks of 
 her life I had the supreme satisfaction of marry- 
 ing her, -as we received undeniable proof that 
 her accursed husband had died in South Amer- 
 ica. This gives me a sort of additional hold over 
 Joey, though I have never mentioned it to her; 
 nor do I think it necessary, for I had rather that 
 her attachment to me remained a purely senti- 
 mental one, for the present at any rate. 
 
 "And now, as regards the future 1 . As I said 
 at the beginning of this letter, I don't know 
 whether I shall ever come back from this trip.
 
 SEALED ORDERS 189 
 
 If I don't, well and good: Joey can take my 
 money. If I do, I am afraid I must request the 
 use of it for myself for a little while longer. How- 
 ever, you will naturally want me to fix some sort 
 of time-limit, and the question has been occupy- 
 ing my attention a good deal. My original idea 
 was to make a kind of provisional will, leaving 
 all my property to Joey, and entitling her to 
 come into possession automatically in the event 
 of my not returning within five years; but the 
 lawyers tell me this arrangement won't work, as 
 I have to be pukka dead before they can shell 
 out. So I have fixed it this way. For the present 
 Joey will want nothing but her daily bread and 
 her fallals and a roof to sleep under, as her so- 
 called education is now completed. I have there- 
 fore let Manors to the Leroys, on the understan- 
 ding that the child is to live there with them for 
 the present. (Not that they required much per- 
 suasion.) She is eighteen at the time of writing 
 this letter. 
 
 "Further, I have realised practically all my 
 personal estate, and placed the cash to your credit 
 (on Joey's behalf) at the Law Courts Branch of 
 the Home Counties Bank. When you come home, 
 which I hope will be soon, I want you to take 
 this money and administer it for her benefit. The 
 rest of my property nothing to speak of in com- 
 parison is set down and duly disposed of hi my
 
 190 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 will (which I have left in the hands of Slocum, 
 Spink, and Slocum, Lincoln's Inn Fields), and 
 cannot be touched until my death is authenti- 
 cated. I have made you Joey's sole trustee and 
 guardian, and you will enter upon your duties as 
 soon as you get home. She is not to come of 
 age, financially speaking, until she is twenty-four. 
 
 "That's all, I think. 
 
 "Good luck to you in life, Hughie! I can't, I 
 fear, take my stand on the pinnacle of a suc- 
 cessful career and shout down advice to you 
 on your way up ; neither will I presume to coun- 
 sel you as to your future. My only piece of ad- 
 vice to you is not to expect much in this world, 
 and then you won't be disappointed. Roughly 
 speaking, there are only three things in life that 
 matter health, money, and friends. A woman 
 once told me that the recipe for perfect happi- 
 ness is a million pounds and a good digestion. 
 The last, I admit, is indispensable. Well, you 
 have it : the Marrable interior is dyspepsia-proof. 
 The million pounds you have not got, and don't 
 want. Wealth, after all, is a purely relative af- 
 fair. You can measure it either by the greatness 
 of what you have or the smallness of what you 
 want. All that a man needs is enough of the first 
 to ensure his getting the second, and I am in- 
 clined to think that in your case this should not 
 be a matter of much difficulty.
 
 SEALED ORDERS 191 
 
 "Besides, it is in the small needs of life that 
 money really counts. The yacht, the house in 
 town, the grouse moor who wants 'em ? But 
 the cab home in the rain ; the occasional bottle of 
 Pommery ; the couple of stalls when an old friend 
 looks you up, or the furtive and sympathetic 
 fiver when his widow does, these are the things 
 that make money really worth having. Besides, 
 the greatest joys are those you have to save up for, 
 so a millionaire can never know them. 
 
 "As for friends well, there are two classes, 
 men and women. Men I need not trouble you 
 about. If you have n't acquired the knack of 
 handling them during the last ten years you never 
 will, and are no Marrable. Women ? I give it up ! 
 You can't standardise them. Men are fairly 
 normal as a class. If you deal straight with a 
 man he will realise and appreciate the fact, and 
 though he may not respond by dealing straight 
 with you, he will at any rate recognise you for 
 what you are a white man. But you can't 
 depend on a woman to do that. They are far 
 stronger in their likes and dislikes than we are, 
 and are hopelessly capricious into the bargain. 
 My general experience and it has been wider 
 than you might think has been that, once a 
 woman takes a fancy to you, you may run counter 
 to every canon of honesty, sobriety, and common 
 decency, and she will cleave to you probably,
 
 192 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 I fancy, because you arouse all the protective 
 maternal instinct in her. On the other hand, 
 once you get into her bad books, it may be 
 because you deserve it, but as often as not it is 
 because you have hot hands or once trod on her 
 skirt in a waltz, nothing that you can do will 
 prevent her shuddering at the very mention of 
 your name. Perhaps, from the point of view of 
 the greatest good of the greatest number, a 
 woman's method of sizing up the male sex is the 
 best possible, but it comes hard on well-mean- 
 ing but heavy-handed men like us. 
 
 " We Marrables have always been men's men, 
 although we have the profoundest reverence for 
 women. (Perhaps that is the reason: a woman 
 never wants you to reverence women ; she wants 
 you to reverence her.) What sticks in our throats 
 is the enormous amount of make-believe and 
 shilly-shallying that has to go on between the 
 sexes before any definite business can be accom- 
 plished. Whenever I see a Marrable in a draw- 
 ing-room, sitting on the edge of a chair and bal- 
 ancing a teacup, I always know exactly what 
 he is there for, and I also know that he is dumbly 
 resisting man's primitive instinct to pick up the 
 right girl and run. When that feat, or its equiva- 
 lent, has been accomplished, all is well : I have 
 never known a Marrable who was not a complete 
 success as a husband. But they are bad starters.
 
 SEALED ORDERS 193 
 
 "Your father was an exception. He had the 
 good luck to meet a girl who knew a man when 
 she saw one, and was willing to accept the will 
 for the deed when she found him unable to ex- 
 press articulately what she would have loved to 
 hear. By a further stroke of good luck her pa- 
 rents objected to him, so he had a comparative 
 walk-over. 
 
 "And therefore, Hughie, I counsel you to es- 
 cape all future unhappiness by marrying Joey as 
 soon as you get home a consummation to which, 
 as you will probably have gathered by this time, 
 the whole of these laboured and transparent 
 testamentary dispositions of mine are directed. 
 I have left the child entirely in your hands. 
 Marry her as quickly as you can, and then I 
 shall know for certain, whatever my state of 
 existence at the time, that the two people whom 
 I care for most on earth are both booked for a 
 life of perfect happiness. I could not wish a man 
 a sweeter wife or a woman a better husband. 
 
 "Forgive my clumsy methods, but you know 
 I mean well. Yours, 
 
 " JAMES MARRABLE." 
 
 Hughie folded up this characteristic document 
 and put it carefully back in his pocket. Then 
 he lit his pipe and reflected. 
 
 He did not altogether agree with the tone of
 
 194 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 his uncle's letter, but he knew in his heart that 
 it contained a good deal of truth. He was ready 
 to marry and settle down, but like most of his 
 race he contemplated the preliminary recon- 
 noitring, the manoeuvring for position, and the 
 elaborate enveloping movements which seem 
 inseparable from a modern matrimonial engage- 
 ment, with something akin to terror. At the 
 same time, it seemed a tame thing to come home 
 and marry a bread-and-butter miss out of the 
 schoolroom to gratify the shade of a departed 
 relative. 
 
 The train slowed down. They were approach- 
 ing Midfield Junction, where he must change. 
 Hughie took his feet down from the opposite 
 cushions and knocked the ashes out of his pipe. 
 
 "We'll see," he said. "I must have a look at 
 Joey first. Pretty children so often grow up 
 plain. Perhaps it would be simplest to marry 
 her, but there's no hurry. I'm home for a rest, 
 and I'm not going to bother myself. I have 
 roughed it for nine years. Now I'm going to 
 settle down and have an easy time of it." 
 
 He was never more mistaken in his life.
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 
 
 Miss JOAN GAYMER sat in a Windsor chair on 
 the landing outside the bathroom door at Manors. 
 It was half-past eight in the morning an hour 
 when traffic outside bathroom doors is apt to be 
 congested. 
 
 Miss Gaymer was wrapped in a bluish-grey 
 kimono, which, whether by accident or design, 
 
 I fear there is very little doubt about it, really, 
 
 exactly matched the colour of her eyes. At 
 the same time it failed to conceal the fact hor- 
 resco referens that she was still attired in what 
 American haberdashers call "slumber- wear." 
 Her slim bare feet were encased in red slippers, 
 one of which dangled precariously from her right 
 big toe, and her hair hung down her back in 
 two tightly screwed but not unbecoming pigtails. 
 At present she was engaged in a heated alterca- 
 tion with two gentlemen for right of entry into 
 the bathroom. 
 
 The only excuse that I can offer for her conduct 
 is that, although she was nearly twenty-one, in 
 her present setting she looked about fourteen. 
 
 The gentlemen, who wore large hairy dressing-
 
 196 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 gowns, with towels swathed round their necks 
 and mighty sponges in their hands, did not, it 
 must be confessed, show to such advantage as 
 their opponent. They were distinctly tousled 
 and gummy in appearance, and their wits, as is 
 usual with the male sex early in the morning, 
 were in no condition for rapier work. They had 
 both been patiently awaiting their turn for the 
 bath when Joan arrived, and they were now 
 listening in helpless indignation to a peremptory 
 order to return to their rooms and stay there 
 till sent for, and not to molest an unprotected 
 female on her way to her ablutions. 
 
 "But look here, Joey," said one, he was a 
 pleasant-faced youth of about nineteen, " we 
 were both here before you; and you know we 
 arranged last night that you were to come at 
 twenty past " 
 
 "Binks," commanded the offender in the Wind- 
 sor chair, "go straight back to your bedroom 
 and don't argue with me. If you are good I'll 
 give your door a tap on my way back." 
 
 But Binks was in no mood for compromise, 
 and furthermore wanted his breakfast. 
 
 "It's not playing the game," he grumbled; 
 "I was here first, Cherub was second 
 
 "Who isn't playing the game?" flashed out 
 Miss Gaymer. "Have you shaved, Binks?" 
 
 Binks, taken in flank, admitted the impeach-
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 197 
 
 ment, which, it may be mentioned, was self- 
 evident. "You haven't, either," was the best re- 
 tort he could make. 
 
 " No, but I 've brushed my teeth," said the ever- 
 ready Miss Gaymer. 
 
 "Well," pursued Binks desperately, "you 
 have n't done your hair." 
 
 "My lad," replied his opponent frankly, "if 
 you were a woman and had to put things on 
 over your head, you would n't have done your 
 hair either." 
 
 Binks, utterly demoralised, fell out of the 
 fighting line. 
 
 "Joey, I've shaved," murmured the second 
 gentleman in a deprecating voice. 
 
 Miss Gaymer turned a surprised eye upon him. 
 
 "Why, Cherub, dear?" she inquired. 
 
 "Cherub," who was still of an age to be ex- 
 ceedingly sensitive on the subject of his manly 
 growth, blushed deeply and subsided. But his 
 companion was made of sterner stuff. 
 
 "Come along, Cherub!" he said. "Let's run 
 her into her bedroom and lock her in until we've 
 bathed. Hang it! It's the third time she's done 
 it this week." 
 
 "Lay one finger on me, children," proclaimed 
 Miss Gaymer, "and I'll never speak to either of 
 you again!" 
 
 She made ready for battle by twining her feet
 
 198 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 in and out of the legs of the Windsor chair, and 
 sat brandishing a loofah, the picture of outraged 
 propriety. 
 
 Her heartless opponents advanced to the attack, 
 and seizing the arms of the chair bore it swiftly, 
 occupant and all, down the passage. Joan, utterly 
 unprepared for these tactics, was at first too 
 taken aback to do anything but shriek and wield 
 the loofah; but shortly recovering her presence 
 of mind, she slipped off the seat, and, doubling 
 round her bearers, who were hampered by the 
 chair, scampered back towards the bathroom 
 only to run heavily into the arms of an unyield- 
 ing, sunburned, and highly embarrassed gentle- 
 man, who had been standing nervously on the 
 other side of the door of that apartment for the 
 last five minutes, awaiting an opportunity to 
 escape, and had suddenly emerged therefrom on 
 a dash to his bedroom, under the perfectly correct 
 impression that it was a case of now or never. 
 
 "Oh, I beg your Why, it's Hughie!" cried 
 Joan. " Yes, it really is !" 
 
 They recoiled, and stood surveying each other. 
 It was their first meeting. Hughie, owing to a 
 breakdown on the branch line, had arrived late 
 the night before, after the ladies had gone to 
 bed. Joan and he had not set eyes on each other 
 for nine years. 
 
 Miss Gaymer recovered her equanimity first.
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 199 
 
 "You're not a bit changed, Hughie," she ob- 
 served with a disarming smile. "A little browner 
 -that's all. Am I?" 
 
 Hughie did not answer for a moment. He was 
 genuinely astonished at what he had just seen, 
 and not a little shocked. Where young girls are 
 concerned, there is no greater stickler for pro- 
 priety than your man of the world; and this 
 sudden instance of the latter-day camaraderie 
 of young men and maidens had rather taken 
 Hughie's breath away. He felt almost as flut- 
 tered as an early Victorian matron. Suddenly 
 he realised that he had been asked a question. 
 
 "Changed?" he said haltingly. "Well, it's 
 rather hard to say, until until " 
 
 "Until I've got my hair up and more clothes 
 on ?" suggested Miss Gaymer. "Perhaps you're 
 right. Still, I look rather nice, don't you think ?" 
 she added modestly, preening herself in the 
 kimono. "However, you'll see me at breakfast. 
 Meanwhile I want you to hold those two boys 
 back while I get into the bathroom. Ta-ta, dears ! ' ' 
 
 And with an airy wave of her hand to the un- 
 washed and discomfited firm of Dicky and 
 Cherub, who stood grinning sheepishly in the 
 background, Hughie's ward slipped under her 
 guardian's arm and disappeared into the bath- 
 room, with a swish of cserulean drapery and a 
 triumphant banging of the door.
 
 200 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 Half an hour later Hughie descended to break- 
 fast, there to be greeted by his host, Jack Leroy, 
 a retired warrior of thirty-eight, of comfortable 
 exterior and incurable laziness, and his wife, the 
 one-time render of Hughie' s heart-strings in the 
 person of Miss Mildred Freshwater. Another 
 old friend was the Reverend Montague D'Arcy, 
 whom we last saw dancing the Cachuca by the 
 waters of the Cam. Here he was, a trifle more 
 rotund and wearing Archidiaconal gaiters, but 
 still the twinkling-eyed D'Arcy of old. One or 
 two other guests were seated at the table, but as 
 yet there was no sign of Joey. When she did 
 appear, it was in a riding-habit; and after a 
 hearty meal, in no way accelerated by urgent 
 and outspoken messages from the front door, 
 where her swains were smoking the pipe of 
 patience, she dashed off in a manner which 
 caused most of those who were over-eating 
 themselves round the table to refer enviously 
 to the digestive equipment of the young, and 
 left Hughie to be entertained by his host and 
 hostess. 
 
 "You'll find her a queer handful, Hughie," 
 said Mrs. Leroy, as she sat placidly embroidering 
 an infantine garment in the morning sun on the 
 verandah, in the corner of which the current 
 issues of the "Spectator" and "Sporting Life," 
 fully unfurled, together with two pairs of per-
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 201 
 
 pendicular boot-soles and a cloud of cigar-smoke, 
 proclaimed the fact that the Army and the Church 
 were taking their ease together, " but I want 
 you to remember all the time that she is sound. 
 You'll be tempted to disbelieve that over and 
 over again, but don't ! She has been utterly spoiled 
 by everybody, and you must give her time to 
 find her level again. Left to herself, she would 
 be as good as gold. I don't say she would n't do 
 something rather outre now and then from sheer 
 animal spirits, but that does n't count. She's 
 young, of course, so she can't she can't be ex- 
 pected to you know what I mean ?" 
 
 "Stand corn," remarked a voice from behind 
 the "Sporting Life." 
 
 "Thank you, dear: that's just it. You see, 
 Hughie, men egg her on, they're all alike: 
 Jack and Mr. D'Arcy are as bad as any, and 
 she gets excited and carried away, and occasion- 
 ally she does something stupid and conspicuous. 
 Five minutes later she is bitterly ashamed, and 
 comes and cries her heart out to me. People know 
 nothing about that, of course : all they do know 
 is that she did the stupid thing, and they call 
 her a forward little cat and a detestable imp. 
 Don't you believe them, Hughie! 
 
 "Then you'll find her absurdly impulsive and 
 generous: you could have the clothes off her 
 back if you wanted them. The other day she
 
 202 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 came home in floods of tears because of a story 
 which a beggar-woman with a baby had told 
 her. It was the usual sort of story, but it was 
 quite enough for Joey. She had carried the baby 
 herself for about two miles, and given the mother 
 all the money she had, and made her promise 
 faithfully to come and see me next day. Of course 
 the woman never turned up, and Joey's blouse 
 had to be burned, oh, that baby ! but that 
 sort of thing does n't alter her faith in human 
 nature. And she stands the great test, Hughie. 
 She has n't got one set of manners when men are 
 about and another when they are not. But she's 
 a kittle creature. You must be tender with her, 
 and- 
 
 "Run her on the snaffle, old man what?" 
 corroborated the "Sporting Life." 
 
 Hughie blew through his pipe meditatively. 
 
 "Seems to me, Mrs. Leroy," he said at length, 
 "that I'm in for a pretty thick time. Do you 
 think she's at all likely to take to my present 
 methods, or must I learn some new tricks? 
 Afraid I'm not much of a lady's man. Still, Joey 
 and I used to be great friends, once. Won't that 
 count for something?" 
 
 "I'm not sure," said Mrs. Leroy. " You know 
 how the young loathe being thought young, or 
 reminded of their youth? Joey is just in that 
 frame of mind at present. Because you were a
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 203 
 
 boy of twenty-one when she was a child of twelve, 
 she may darkly suspect you of desiring to con- 
 tinue on the footing of those days. Don't do 
 that, for mercy's sake! For all practical pur- 
 poses you are much nearer to each other in age 
 than you were " 
 
 A chuckle reverberated through the peaceful 
 verandah, and the "Spectator" and "Sporting 
 Life" converged for a moment as if to share a 
 confidence. 
 
 "Jack," inquired Mrs. Leroy sternly, "what 
 were you saying to Mr. D'Arcy just now ?" 
 
 "Nothin', dear," said a meek voice. 
 
 "Mr. D'Arcy, what was he saying to you ?" 
 
 Mr. D'Arcy took in a reef in the "Spectator" 
 and replied suavely, 
 
 "He made use of a sporting expression, dear 
 lady, with regard to your plans for our friend 
 Marrable's future, which I was happily unable 
 to understand." 
 
 "Jack," said Mrs. Leroy in warning tones, 
 " people who put their oar in uninvited get taken 
 out for afternoon calls in the brougham, with 
 both windows up!" 
 
 The "Sporting Life" was promptly expanded 
 to its full extent, and silence reigned again. Pre- 
 sently Mrs. Leroy observed cheerfully, 
 
 "By the way, Hughie, you are home just in 
 time for a dance the Hunt Ball."
 
 204 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 Hollow groans burst from behind the news- 
 papers. 
 
 "Oh, look here!" said Hughie frankly. "I 
 mean not really ?" 
 
 "Yes: I promised Nina Fludyer to back her 
 up and bring a 'bus-load of people. Why don't 
 you want to come?" 
 
 " Well, for one thing I have only danced twice 
 since I went down from Cambridge. One time 
 was at a Viceregal reception in Calcutta, and 
 the other was in Montmartre under less formal 
 conditions. I'll tell you what you and your 
 house-party go to the ball and enjoy yourselves, 
 and your husband and I will keep each other 
 company here eh ?" 
 
 Captain Leroy put down his paper and said, 
 " Good scheme !" in the loyal but mournful tones 
 of one who realizes that it is a forlorn hope, but 
 that one might as well have a shot for it. "In 
 fact, dear," he continued desperately, "I was 
 thinkin' of takin' Marrable out that very night 
 to lie out for poachers. Old Gannet was tellin' 
 me that the North Wood that is " 
 
 He observed his wife's withering eye, and be- 
 came suddenly interested in the advertisements 
 on the back page of his periodical. 
 
 " Jack," said Mrs. Leroy in a tone of finality, 
 "on Tuesday night you put on your best bib and 
 tucker and come with us that's flat."
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 205 
 
 "All right, m' dear," replied her husband in a 
 voice which said to Hughie, "I was afraid it 
 would n't work, old man !" 
 
 "And why don't you want to come, Hughie ?" 
 continued Mrs. Leroy, suddenly turning on her 
 guest. 
 
 " Well, I am not cut out for balls," said Hughie. 
 "Prefer the open air, somehow." 
 
 "If open air is all you want," remarked Mrs. 
 Leroy grimly, "the Town Hall at Midfield is the 
 draughtiest building in the county." 
 
 "Balls are dull affairs," urged the faithful but 
 misguided Leroy, " compared with the excitement 
 and er suspense 
 
 "If you want excitement and suspense," re- 
 plied the inexorable Mrs. Leroy, "dance the 
 Lancers with Lady Fludyer fifteen stone of 
 imperfectly balanced blanc-mange! " 
 
 "And just a spice of risk " 
 
 " Risk ? My dear boy, try the Ball Committee's 
 champagne!" 
 
 Captain Leroy, defeated at all points, once 
 more subsided ; but D' Arcy took up the argument. 
 
 "Joking apart, Mrs. Leroy," he said, "it's an 
 awful thing to be a supernumerary man at a 
 dance in the country. You crawl in at the tail 
 of your party, and shake hands with the govern- 
 ess, under the impression that she is your hostess. 
 You are introduced to a girl, and book a dance.
 
 206 SUAVITER IN MO DO 
 
 You don't catch her name, so you write down 
 'Red hair and bird of paradise* on your pro- 
 gramme, and leave her. Of course you know 
 nobody ; so, after booking a few more wallflow- 
 ers, you still find a good deal of time at your 
 disposal. You can always tell a male wallflower. 
 Women can usually brazen it out : they put on 
 an air which implies that they have refused 
 countless offers, and are sitting on a hard bench 
 because they like it." 
 
 " They can't deceive the other women, though," 
 said Mrs. Leroy. 
 
 "Still," agreed Hughie, "they impose on men 
 all right. But, as D'Arcy says, a male wallflower 
 is hopeless. He looks miserable, and either mopes 
 in a corner like a new boy at school, or else reads 
 away at his programme and peers about for a 
 partner who is n't on it." 
 
 "Why not try the smoking-room?" 
 
 "The smokin'-room," interpolated Leroy, "is 
 all right for the regular Philistine. But if I go 
 there, I find it in possession of a bilious octogena- 
 rian and a retired major-general. They are sittin' 
 in front of the fire with a cigar apiece. They glare 
 at me when I come in, and then go on buckin' to 
 each other. Presently they stop, and one says : ' I 
 suppose you are not a dancin' man, sir,' in a way 
 which implies that he does n't know what the 
 devil young men are comin' to nowadays. And
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 207 
 
 by this time I'm so ashamed of myself that I 
 simply bolt out of the room, with some yarn about 
 a brief rest between two dances, and go and sit 
 among the hats and coats in the cloak-room until 
 it is time to go and hunt up the next freak on my 
 programme. Rotten job, I call it!" 
 
 Mrs. Leroy surveyed the three orators with an 
 air of serene amusement. 
 
 "I have roused a storm," she said. "But you 
 are coming on Tuesday all three! Now, Hughie, 
 I know Jack is dying to take you round the 
 stables and plantations. When you have smacked 
 all the horses' backs and taken the pheasants' 
 temperatures, come in. I want to introduce you 
 to my offspring. You are fond of children, I 
 know." 
 
 " I know I shall be fond of yours, Mildred," 
 said Hughie. 
 
 "Thank you that's nicely put. But they 
 really are rather pets, though I say it who 
 shouldn't." 
 
 "Rum little beggars," mused the male parent. 
 "Bite your head off if they see you havin' a 
 sherry and bitters before dinner. Got a sort of 
 religious maniac of a nurse," he explained. " Been 
 saved, and all that. Save you for tuppence, 
 Marrable!" 
 
 "She's a queer old thing," said Mrs. Leroy, 
 " but such a good nurse that her weaknesses don't
 
 208 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 matter much. The children are never sick or 
 sorry wait till I tap wood ! your head will do, 
 Jack and simply love her." 
 
 " I was pleased to learn from their own lips," 
 remarked D'Arcy, "that they have been enthusi- 
 astic teetotalers from birth, and are both ardent 
 supporters of Foreign Missions." 
 
 "And the baby?" inquired Hughie. 
 
 " Too young," replied Leroy ; " but that does n't 
 excuse the poor little sinner from havin' to wear 
 a blue ribbon." 
 
 "How does the nurse regard you, Leroy?" 
 asked D'Arcy. 
 
 " Lost sheep hard case bad egg generally," 
 replied that gentleman resignedly. "She's given 
 me up, I'm glad to say ; but she'll be on Hughie's 
 track in no time. Come along." 
 
 In the joy of roaming round the familiar plan- 
 tations and stables Hughie allowed the existence 
 of Mildred Leroy's offspring to fade from his 
 memory ; and it was not until the party gathered 
 for luncheon that he was reminded of the intro- 
 duction in store for him. 
 
 The assembled company consisted of the host 
 and hostess, D'Arcy, Hughie, Joan, and the young 
 gentleman previously referred to as "Cherub." 
 The others had departed on a sailing expedition. 
 Joan had declined to go, alleging that she must 
 stay at home and entertain her "keeper," as she
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 209 
 
 had now christened Hughie; and Cherub had 
 speciously pleaded a tendency to mat de mer, 
 and remained at home to steal a march on his 
 rivals. 
 
 The party was completed by two chubby in- 
 fants of seven and five, in large pinafores and 
 short white socks, who were presented to Brevet- 
 Uncle Hughie as Theodora and Hildegard, though 
 Hughie discovered, after a brief experience of 
 their society, that they answered without resent- 
 ment and much more spontaneity to the appel- 
 lations of "Duckies" and "Stodger" respectively. 
 
 They were deposited it seems the right word 
 in the dining-room by an austere and elderly 
 female, who groaned heavily at the sight of Cap- 
 tain Leroy, and eyed Hughie with unconcealed 
 distrust before withdrawing. The small girls took 
 their places one on each side of their mother, and 
 sat, like two well-bred little owlets, taking stock 
 of their new uncle. Presently their vigilance re- 
 laxed. It is a truism that teetotalers are hearty 
 eaters, and the consumption of what was placed 
 before them soon occupied the attention of 
 Mesdames Duckies and Stodger to the exclusion 
 of all else, the latter exhibiting a particularly 
 praiseworthy attention to duty. 
 
 Their sole contribution to the conversation 
 was offered when Leroy passed the claret to 
 Hughie.
 
 210 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 "Wine," remarked Duckies severely, "is a 
 mocker!" 
 
 "Stwong dwink," corroborated Stodger, turn, 
 ing up the whites of her eyes, " is raging ! ' ' 
 
 The two ladies then groaned heavily in concert, 
 and, having thus contributed their mite to the re- 
 demption of a sinner, resumed their repast. 
 
 At the end of the meal the numbers of the 
 company were augmented by the arrival of 
 John Marrable Leroy, aged two years an infant 
 whose apoplectic countenance sadly belied the 
 small piece of blue ribbon inserted in his bib. 
 Having taken his seat in his mother's lap, he 
 proceeded, after the manner of babies, to give 
 his celebrated entertainment. For the benefit of 
 the company he obligingly identified various 
 articles upon the table, and then proceeded to 
 give an exposition (assisted by manual contor- 
 tions) of the exact whereabouts of the Church, 
 the Steeple, the Door, and the People. After 
 this, without warning or apology, he deposited 
 a nude foot in his mother's plate, having in 
 some mysterious manner got rid of his shoe and 
 sock under the table; and was proceeding to 
 enumerate the respective marketing experiences 
 of a family of little pigs, when his mother, de- 
 ciding that it was high time this seance came to 
 an end, called upon him to say grace on behalf 
 of the company.
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 211 
 
 John Marrable Leroy reluctantly ceased finger- 
 ing his toes, and twisted himself into a state of de- 
 votional rigidity. He then closed his eyes, folded 
 his hands, and breathed stertorously. All waited 
 with devoutly bowed heads for his benediction. 
 
 "T'ank God " began Master Leroy at length. 
 
 There was another tense pause. 
 
 "T'ank God " repeated the infant despon- 
 dently. 
 
 Another hiatus. 
 
 "'For' dearest," prompted his mother. 
 
 A smile of intense relief illuminated the sup- 
 plicant's troubled countenance. 
 
 " Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten!*' he 
 gabbled cheerfully ; and the meeting broke up in 
 unseemly confusion. 
 
 It was a hot afternoon, and Hughie, who as 
 yet was far from getting tired of doing no- 
 thing, was well content to sprawl in a basket- 
 chair under a great copper-beech, and watch the 
 others play croquet. 
 
 Presently Joan, swinging a mallet, came and 
 sat on the grass beside him. 
 
 "Well, Hughie?" she began, regarding her 
 comptroller rather quizzically. 
 
 "Well, Joey?" 
 
 Then they both laughed, or rather chuckled. 
 The curious part about it was that while Hughie
 
 212 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 laughed " Ha, ha ! " deep down, Joey did the same. 
 Tee-heeing and high-pitched feminine shrieking 
 were beyond her compass. She was the Joey of 
 old, with the same gruff voice, though she had 
 got over her difficulty with the r's and Z's. 
 
 "It seems rummy," observed Miss Gaymer re- 
 flectively, " my being put in your charge like the 
 guard of a train. Do you expect me to obey you ?" 
 
 "Yes," said Hughie. He felt he was missing 
 an opportunity of saying something bright and 
 striking, but "Yes" was the only word he could 
 think of besides "No." 
 
 "Oh!" replied Miss Gaymer enigmatically. 
 
 "Don't you intend to?" inquired Hughie. 
 
 "Well, it depends on what you tell me to do. 
 If it was anything that did n't matter much I 
 might do it, sometimes, just to save your face. 
 But as a rule I should n't." 
 
 "Oh!" said Hughie, in his turn. 
 
 "I may as well tell you at once," continued the 
 lady, "the things that it's no use scolding me 
 about. First of all, I always choose my own 
 friends, and never take recommendations or 
 warnings from anybody. Then you must n't in- 
 terfere with my dancing or sailing or riding, 
 because I love them better than anything in the 
 world. Then, you must n't try to prevent my 
 reading books and seeing plays that you think 
 are bad for me, because that sort of thing is simply
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 213 
 
 not done nowadays. And of course you must n't 
 call me extravagant if I dress nicely. Also, you 
 must n't expect me to go in for good works, be- 
 cause I hate curates. And don't give me advice, 
 because I loathe it. On the other hand, it may 
 comfort you to know it does most men, for 
 some reason that I don't want a vote and I 
 don't smoke cigarettes. Oh, the poor little mite ! " 
 
 She was on her feet and across the lawn in a 
 flash, to where the obese Stodger, prostrate upon 
 a half-buried tree-root, was proclaiming to the 
 heavens the sorrow of a sudden transition from the 
 perpendicular to the horizontal. She comfor- 
 ted the child with whole-hearted tenderness, and 
 after taking her turn in the game of croquet, re- 
 turned to Hughie and sat down beside him again. 
 
 "Well what do you think of me?" she in- 
 quired suddenly. 
 
 Hughie regarded her intently. 
 
 "I don't know yet," he said. "I want to see a 
 little more of you." 
 
 "Most people," said Miss Gaymer with dig- 
 nity, "make up their minds about me at once." 
 
 "I won't do that," said Hughie. "It would n't 
 be quite fair." 
 
 Joan pondered this retort and finally flushed 
 like a child. 
 
 " That means that you have taken a dislike to 
 me," she said.
 
 214 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 "I didn't mean it that way," said Hughie, 
 much distressed, "really!" 
 
 " Anyhow, it means that you have n't made up 
 your mind about me," persisted Joan. 
 
 "That is true," admitted Hughie, who was no 
 hand at fencing. 
 
 "Well, do it soon," said Miss Gaymer. "I'm 
 not accustomed to being put on trial. I may men- 
 tion to you," she added complacently, "that I am 
 considered a great success. Do you know what 
 Jacky Penn told me?" 
 
 "No; what?" inquired Hughie perfunctorily. 
 He was beginning to understand the inwardness 
 of Mildred Leroy's warning that the girl beside 
 him had not yet found her feet. 
 
 "He told me," said Joan, with an unaffected 
 sigh of pleasure, "that the men here all call me 
 'The Toast.' What do you say to that ?" 
 
 "A Toast," said Hughie rather heavily, "is 
 usually 'an excuse for a glass.' I should n't like 
 to think of you merely as that, Joey." 
 
 Miss Gaymer eyed her guardian with undis- 
 guised exasperation. 
 
 "Hughie, you have got fearfully old-maidish 
 in the last nine years," she said. "Where have 
 you been ? In any decent society ?" 
 
 "Sometimes; but not often. Not what you 
 would call decent society, Joey." 
 
 "Well," remarked Miss Gaymer, turning her
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 215 
 
 opponent's flank with characteristic readiness, 
 " whatever it was, it was n't very particular about 
 clothes. Hughie, your get-up is perfectly tragic. 
 If you are going to be my keeper you will have 
 to begin by dressing decently. I don't know who 
 your tailor is, but Che-e-erub!" 
 
 "What ho!" came from the croquet-lawn. 
 
 "Come here, at once." 
 
 Cherub obediently put down his mallet and 
 approached. Having arrived, he halted and stood 
 to attention. 
 
 "Cherub," commanded Miss Gaymer, "turn 
 round and round till I tell you to stop, and let 
 Mr. Marrable see your clothes." 
 
 Much flattered, Cherub rotated serenely on his 
 axis for the benefit of the untutored Marrable, 
 while Miss Gaymer ran over his points. 
 
 " Must I have a waist ? ' ' inquired Hughie meekly. 
 
 "Yes if you've got one," replied Joan, sur- 
 veying her guardian's amorphous shooting-jacket 
 doubtfully. 
 
 "And purple socks?" 
 
 "Green will do, old man," remarked the man- 
 nequin unexpectedly. 
 
 "Cherub, keep quiet!" said the coutumiere. 
 " You have absolutely nothing whatever to recom- 
 mend you but your clothes, so don't spoil it by 
 babbling. There, Hughie! That is the sort of 
 thing. You must go up to town next week and
 
 216 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 order some. Run away, Cherub ! Now, another 
 thing, Hughie. Look at your hands. They're 
 like a coal-heaver's, except that they're clean. 
 Can't you get them attended to?" 
 
 Hughie surveyed his hands in a reminiscent 
 fashion. They were serviceable members, and had 
 pulled their owner through many rough places. 
 At present the palms bore the mark of the Ori- 
 noco's coal-shovels, and there was a great scar 
 on one wrist where Hughie had incautiously 
 touched a hot bearing. There was also an in- 
 cision in the middle knuckle of the right hand, 
 caused by the impact of Mr. Gates's front teeth 
 on an historic occasion. There were other and 
 older marks, and most of them had some inter- 
 esting story attached to them. But of course Joan 
 did not know this. To her they were large, un- 
 sightly, un-manicured hands only that and 
 nothing more. Hughie sighed. All his old assets 
 seemed to have become liabilities, somehow. 
 
 "Aren't they a scandal, Hughie?" Joan re- 
 peated. 
 
 "I suppose they are, Joey," said Hughie, com- 
 ing out of his reverie. "Right O! I'll get them 
 seen to. I don't suppose they're ever likely to be 
 much use to me again," he added in a depressed 
 tone, " so they might as well be made ornamen- 
 tal. I'll go and consult Sophy Fullgarney about 
 them when I get back to town."
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 217 
 
 "Who's she?" said Joey quickly. 
 
 " Manicurist before your time," said Hughie 
 briefly, pleased to feel that he could give points 
 to his ward in knowledge of something. "Any 
 more requirements, Joey?" 
 
 " Let me see. Oh, yes. Can you dance ?" 
 
 "Used to waltz," said Hughie cautiously. 
 
 "Decently?" 
 
 "I can get round a room." 
 
 "Can you reverse properly?" 
 
 "If a man reversed in my young days," said 
 Hughie, "we used to regard him as a bounder. 
 Do they do it now?" 
 
 " Yes, always. Can you do anything else ?" 
 
 " The usual things Lancers and polka. 
 Danced a reel once in Scotland." 
 
 " Nobody dances the polka now, and I hate the 
 Lancers. Can you two-step?" 
 
 "Never even heard of it." 
 
 Miss Gaymer sighed. 
 
 "Never heard of the Boston, I suppose?" she 
 said resignedly. 
 
 " Never in my life," said Hughie. " Look here," 
 he added, inspired by a sudden hope, " perhaps it 
 would be as well if I stayed at home on Tuesday 
 night eh ?" 
 
 "Quite as well," said Miss Gaymer candidly. 
 "But I don't suppose Mildred will let you off. 
 You'll be wanted by the wallflowers."
 
 218 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 "But not by Joey, apparently." 
 
 " I don't dance with rotters," said Miss Gaymer 
 elegantly. " I am practically booked up already, 
 too. However, if you apply at once I might give 
 you one." She thought for a moment. "I'll try 
 you with number eight." 
 
 "We had better not settle at present," said 
 Hughie. "I should like to have a look round 
 the ballroom before I tie myself down in any way. 
 But I'll bear your application in mind." 
 
 Miss Joan Gaymer turned and regarded her 
 companion with unfeigned astonishment. He was 
 still sprawling, but his indolent pose of lazy con- 
 tentment was gone, and for a moment challenge 
 peeped out of his steely eyes. She rose deliber- 
 ately from the grass, and walked with great state- 
 liness back to the croquet-lawn. 
 
 Hughie sat on, feeling slightly breathless. He 
 had just realised that he possessed a temper. 
 
 Presently Mrs. Leroy completed a sequence of 
 five hoops and retired, followed by the applause 
 of an incompetent partner, to the copper-beech. 
 
 She sat down opposite Hughie, and surveyed 
 him expectantly. 
 
 "Well, Hughie?" she said. 
 
 "Well, Mildred?" 
 
 "WeU, Hughie?" 
 
 "I think," said Hughie, answering the un- 
 spoken question, "that she wants slapping!"
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 219 
 
 Mildred Leroy nodded her head sagely. 
 "Ah!" she remarked. "I thought you would 
 say that. Well, I hope you'll do it." 
 
 Hughie reviewed the events of the day, more 
 suo, at three o'clock next morning, sitting with his 
 feet on the sill of his open bedroom window, - 
 the bedroom of his boyhood, with the old school 
 and 'Varsity groups upon the walls, as he 
 smoked a final pipe before retiring to rest. 
 
 It was almost dawn. The velvety darkness was 
 growing lighter in texture; and occasionally an 
 early-rising and energetic young bird would utter 
 a tentative chirrup only to subside, on meeting 
 with no encouragement from the other members 
 of the orchestra (probably trades unionists), until 
 a more seasonable hour. 
 
 Hughie had sat on with D'Arcy and Leroy in 
 the billiard-room long after the other men 
 Joey's clientele had emptied their glasses and 
 gone to bed. There had been a "ladies' night," 
 accompanied by fearsome games (of a character 
 detrimental to the table) between sides captained 
 by Joey and another damsel ; and even after Mil- 
 dred Leroy had swept her charges upstairs there 
 had been bear-fighting and much shrieking in the 
 passages and up the staircase. Then the younger 
 gentlemen had returned, rumpled but victorious, 
 to quench their thirst and listen with respectful
 
 220 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 deference to any tale that the great Marrable 
 might care to unfold. (The story of the Orinoco 
 had gone round, though it had mercifully escaped 
 the notice of the halfpenny papers.) 
 
 But Hughie had not been communicative, 
 though he had proved an eager and appreciative 
 listener to 'Varsity gossip and athletic "shop." 
 So the young men, having talked themselves to a 
 standstill, had gradually faded away, highly 
 gratified to find the great man not only willing but 
 eager to listen to their meticulous chronicles ; and 
 Hughie and D'Arcy and Leroy, their symposium 
 reduced to companionable limits, had compared 
 notes and "swapped lies," as the Americans say, 
 far into the night. 
 
 Hughie's impressions of the day were slightly 
 blurred and confused at the which let no man 
 wonder. He was accustomed to fresh faces and 
 new environments, but the plunge from yester- 
 day into to-day had been a trifle sudden. Last 
 night he had driven up to the door of Manors a 
 masterless man, a superior vagabond, an irre- 
 sponsible free-lance, with hundreds of acquaint- 
 ances and never a friend. In twenty-four hours 
 this sense of irresponsible detachment had gone 
 for ever, and the spell of English home-life had 
 sunk deep into his being. He felt for the first 
 time that he was more than a mere unit in the 
 Universe. He had turned from something into
 
 A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE 221 
 
 somebody. He realised that he had a stake in 
 the country the county the little estate of 
 Manors itself ; and a great desire was upon him 
 to settle down and surround himself with every- 
 thing that is conveyed to an Englishman here 
 and abroad especially abroad by the word 
 Home. 
 
 Then there were the people with whom he had 
 come in contact that day. They were nearly all 
 old friends, but they were old friends with new 
 faces. There was Mildred Leroy, for instance. 
 He had half expected his relations with that 
 young matron, the past considered, to be of a 
 slightly tender and sentimental nature. Far from 
 it. Her attitude to him was simply maternal 
 as, indeed, it had been, had he realised the fact, 
 from the very beginning of their friendship. A 
 woman always feels motherly towards a man 
 of her own age, and rightly, for she is much 
 older than he is. Occasionally she mistakes this 
 motherly feeling for something else, and marries 
 him but not often. Obviously Mildred Leroy 
 now regarded Hughie as nothing more than an 
 eligible young debutant, the chaperon's natural 
 prey, to be rounded up and paired off with all 
 possible despatch. 
 
 Then there was Joey. Twenty-four hours ago 
 he had had no particular views on the subject of 
 his ward, beyond
 
 222 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 (1) The reflection that he would probably find 
 her "rather a bore"; 
 
 (2) An idle speculation as to whether, if ex- 
 pediency should demand it, he would be able to 
 bring himself to marry her. 
 
 Well, twenty-four hours is a long time. He 
 saw now quite clearly that whatever Miss Gay- 
 mer's shortcomings might be, a tendency to bore 
 her companions was not one of them; and that 
 if ever the other question should arise, the diffi- 
 culty would lie, not in bringing himself to marry 
 Joey, but in bringing Joey to marry him. 
 
 Like a sensible man, he decided to let things 
 work themselves out in their own way, and went 
 to bed. There he dreamed that Joey, attired 
 in a blue kimono and red slippers, was teaching 
 him to dance the two-step to a tune played by 
 the engines of the Orinoco.
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 
 
 HUGHIE continued during the next few weeks to 
 study the character of the female sex as exem- 
 plified by his ward Miss Joan Gaymer, and some 
 facts in natural history were brought to his notice 
 which had not hitherto occurred to him. 
 
 In her relations with her male belongings a 
 woman does not expect much. Certainly not 
 justice, nor reason, nor common sense. That 
 which she chiefly desires so those who know 
 inform us is admiration, and, if possible, kind- 
 ness, though the latter is not essential. The one 
 thing she cannot brook is neglect. Attention of 
 some kind she must have. Satisfy her soul with 
 this, and she will remain all you desire her to 
 remain, toute femme, something for lonely 
 mankind to thank God for. Stint her, and there 
 is a danger that she will drift into the ranks of 
 that rather pathetic third sex, born of higher 
 education and feminine superfluity, which to-day 
 stands apart from its fellow-creatures and loudly 
 proclaims its loathing for the masculinity of man 
 and its contempt for the effeminacy of woman, 
 but which seems so far only to have cast away
 
 224 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 the rapier of the one without being able to lift 
 or handle the bludgeon of the other. 
 
 Not that Miss Joan Gaymer ran any such risk. 
 She was indeed toute femme, and stood secure 
 from the prospect of being cut off from her natu- 
 ral provender. Her chief danger was that of a 
 surfeit. She possessed a more than usually healthy 
 appetite for admiration, and there was never 
 wanting a supply of persons chiefly of her own 
 sex, be it said to proclaim the fact that in her 
 case the line between appetite and gluttony was 
 very finely drawn indeed. There was some truth, 
 it is to be feared, in the accusation, for Joan was 
 undoubtedly exhibiting symptoms at this time of 
 a species of mental indigestion what the French 
 call tele montee and the Americans "swelled 
 head" induced by an undiluted diet of wor- 
 ship and homage. Appetite for this sort of thing 
 grows with eating, and Joan, like her mother be- 
 fore her, was beginning to think too much of those 
 who supplied her with the meat her soul loved 
 and too little of those who did not. And as those 
 who did not were chiefly those who had her wel- 
 fare most nearly at heart, she was deprived for 
 the time being of a good deal of the solid suste- 
 nance of real friendship. 
 
 She was a curious mixture of worldly wisdom 
 and naivete, and was frankly interested in her- 
 self. She was undisguisedly anxious to know
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 225 
 
 what people thought of her, and made no at- 
 tempt to conceal her pleasure when she found 
 herself "a success." On the other hand, she pre- 
 sumed a great deal too much on the patience and 
 loyalty of her following. She was always captious, 
 frequently inconsiderate, and, like most young 
 persons who have been respectably brought up, 
 was desperately anxious to be considered rather 
 wicked. 
 
 These facts the slow-moving brain of Hughie 
 Marrable absorbed one by one, and he felt vaguely 
 unhappy on the girl's account, though he could 
 not find it in his heart to blame her. Joey, he 
 felt, was merely making full use of her oppor- 
 tunities. Within her small kingdom, and for her 
 brief term, she held authority as absolute as that, 
 say, of a secretary of state, nor was she fettered 
 by any pedantic scruples, such as might have 
 hampered the official in question, about exer- 
 cising the same ; and Hughie, who was something 
 of an autocrat himself, could not but admit that 
 his ward was acting very much, mutatis mutandis, 
 as he would have done under similar circum- 
 stances. 
 
 But as time went on and his sense of perspective 
 adjusted itself, he began to discover signs that 
 beneath all her airs and graces and foam and 
 froth, the old Joey endured. She was a creature 
 of impulse, and her vagaries were more frequently
 
 226 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 due to the influence of the moment than any 
 desire to pose. She would disappoint a young 
 man of a long-promised tete-a-tete on the river, to 
 go and play at shop in a plantation with the 
 under-keeper's children. She would shed tears 
 over harrowing but unconvincing narratives of 
 destitution at the back door. She was kind to 
 plain girls, which attractive girls sometimes are 
 not, and servants adored her, which is a good 
 sign of anybody. 
 
 She was lavishly generous ; indeed, it was never 
 safe for her girl friends to express admiration, 
 however discreet, for anything belonging to her, 
 for she had an embarrassing habit of tearing off 
 articles of attire or adornment and saying, "I'll 
 give it to you!" with the eagerness and sincerity 
 of a child. 
 
 And her code of honour was as strict as a 
 schoolboy's than which no more can be said. 
 A secret was safe with her. She had once promptly 
 and permanently renounced the friendship of a 
 particular crony of her own, who boasted to her, 
 giving names and details, of a proposal of mar- 
 riage which she had recently refused. 
 
 In short, Miss Joan Gaymer strongly resembled 
 the young lady who in times long past was a cer- 
 tain poetical gentleman's Only Joy. She was 
 sometimes forward, sometimes coy, sometimes, 
 be it added, detestable, but she never failed
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 227 
 
 to please or rather, to attract, which is better 
 still. 
 
 Mrs. Jack Leroy spared neither age nor sex on 
 the night of the Hunt Ball. Her husband, Hughie, 
 and the Reverend Montague D'Arcy all suffer- 
 ing from that peculiar feeling of languid depres- 
 sion which invariably attacks the male sex about 
 9.30 p. M. when dancing is in prospect were 
 hounded into pumps and white gloves, and packed 
 into the omnibus, which, after a drive of seven 
 miles, during which the gentlemen slept furtively 
 and the tongues of Joan and her girl friends 
 wagged unceasingly, deposited the entire party of 
 twelve on the steps of the Town Hall at Midfield. 
 
 Their numbers had been completed by some 
 overnight arrivals. The first two were Mr. and 
 Mrs. Lance Gaymer. Joan's only brother had 
 taken upon him the responsibility of matrimony 
 at the early age of twenty-two, and the rather 
 appalling young person who preceded him into 
 the drawing-room, and greeted Joan as " Jowey," 
 was the accessory to the fact. Why or where 
 Lance had married her no one knew. He had 
 sprung her one day, half proudly, half defiantly, 
 upon a family circle at Manors which was for the 
 moment too horror-struck to do anything but 
 gape. Fortunately Uncle Jimmy was not present, 
 he had departed on his voyage by this time, 
 and it was left to Joan to welcome the latest ad-
 
 228 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 dition to the house of Gaymer. This she did 
 very sensibly and prettily, though she wept un- 
 restrainedly upon the sympathetic bosom of Mil- 
 dred Leroy afterwards. 
 
 For Lance's sake Mrs. Gaymer was accepted 
 without demur. Whatever she was or had been, 
 whether she had manipulated a beer-engine or 
 gesticulated in musical comedy, there she was, 
 and had to be assimilated. No questions were 
 asked, but she was religiously invited to Manors 
 at intervals, and Joan and Mrs. Leroy, when they 
 went up to town in the season, paid occasional 
 state calls upon Mrs. Lance at her residence in 
 Maida Vale, where they drank tea in company 
 with the alumncB of the variety stage and the jug- 
 and-bottle department. 
 
 Lance himself was understood to be making a 
 living out of journalism. He looked considerably 
 more than twenty-three. 
 
 The third arrival was a Mr. Guy Haliburton, 
 proposed for admission by Mr. Lance Gaymer, 
 seconded by Mrs. Lance Gaymer. He was full of 
 deference, and apologised with graceful humility 
 for his presence. He felt himself a horrible in- 
 truder, he said, but he had been assured so ear- 
 nestly by "old Lance" that Mrs. Leroy was in 
 want of another dancing man, that he had ven- 
 tured to accept his vicarious invitation and come 
 to Manors. He was made welcome.
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 229 
 
 Mr. Haliburton, on further acquaintance, de- 
 scribed himself as an actor, but Hughie, whose 
 judgments of men as opposed to women 
 were seldom wrong, put him down unhesitatingly 
 as a gentleman who lived, actor or no, by his wits. 
 He was a striking-looking personage of about 
 thirty. He had curly black hair and dark eyes, 
 with dangerous eyelashes. He was well dressed, 
 too well dressed for the country, and one 
 felt instinctively that he was a good card-player, 
 and probably objected to cold baths and early 
 rising. 
 
 The Manors party were greeted in the ves- 
 tibule of the Town Hall by Lady Fludyer, self- 
 appointed Mistress of the Revels. At present 
 she more nearly resembled a well-nourished 
 Niobe. 
 
 " My dear," she cried, falling limply upon Mrs. 
 Leroy and kissing her feverishly, "what do you 
 think has happened ?" 
 
 "Band not come?" hazarded Mrs. Leroy. 
 
 " Worse ! Not a man not a subaltern not 
 a drummerboy can get away from Ipsleigh to- 
 night!" (Ipsleigh was a neighbouring military 
 depot, and a fountain-head of eligibility in a 
 barren land.) "They have all been called out 
 to some absurd inspection, or route-march, or 
 manoeuvres, or something, at twenty-four hours' 
 notice. And they were coming here in swarms!
 
 230 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 There won't be nearly enough men to go round 
 now. Half the girls will be against the wall all 
 night! Oh, my dear, when I get hold of the 
 General - 
 
 Lady Fludyer's voice rose to a shriek, and she 
 plunged wailing into a dark doorway, like a train 
 entering a tunnel. 
 
 Mrs. Leroy turned to her shrinking cavaliers, 
 with satisfaction in her eye. 
 
 " It 's as well I brought the lot of you," she said. 
 "Now get to work. Jack, the first waltz with 
 you, if you please." 
 
 The ball was soon in full swing, though it was 
 only too plain that men were somewhat scarce. 
 Hughie, much to his alarm, found his programme 
 full in ten minutes, and presently, bitterly re- 
 gretting the stokehold of the Orinoco, put forth 
 into the fray with Mrs. Lance Gaymer, having 
 decided to do his duty by that lady as soon as 
 possible, and get it over. She addressed him as 
 "dear boy," and waltzed in a manner which 
 reminded him of the Covent Garden balls of 
 his youth, thereby causing the highest and 
 haughtiest of the county to inquire of their 
 partners who she might be. The word soon 
 passed round that she was the wife of young Gay- 
 mer. ("You remember, don't you? Rather an 
 unfortunate marriage, and all that. Barmaid, or 
 something. However, the family have decided to
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 231 
 
 make the best of her. They '11 have their hands 
 full eh?") Whereupon fair women elevated 
 their discreetly powdered noses a little higher, 
 while unregenerate men hurried up, like the Four 
 Young Oysters, all eager for the treat, and fur- 
 tively petitioned Lance Gaymer to introduce 
 them to his wife. 
 
 On entering the ballroom Joan Gaymer, se- 
 renely conscious of a perfectly-fitting new frock 
 and her very best tinge of colour, took up her 
 stand at her recognised "pitch" beside the end 
 pillar on the left under the musicians' gallery, 
 and proceeded to fill up the vacancies caused in 
 her programme by the defection of the dancing 
 warriors from Ipsleigh. Among the first appli- 
 cants for the favour of a waltz was Mr. Guy Hali- 
 burton. 
 
 "All right number two," said Joan. 
 
 Haliburton wrote it down, and asked for an- 
 other. 
 
 "I'll see how you waltz first," said Miss Gay- 
 mer frankly. "Then perhaps! I am rather 
 particular." 
 
 The music had risen to her brain like wine, and 
 she was in what her admirers would have called 
 her most regal, and her detractors her most ob- 
 jectionable, mood. Mr. Haliburton, however, 
 merely bowed reverentially, and made way for an 
 avalanche of Binkses and Cherubs, with whom
 
 232 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 Joan, babbling at the top of her voice and enjoy- 
 ing every moment of her triumph, booked a list 
 of fixtures that stretched away far into to-morrow 
 morning. 
 
 The waltz with the fascinating Haliburton 
 proved so satisfactory, in point of fact, he was 
 easily the best dancer in the room, that Joan 
 immediately granted him two more. It was char- 
 acteristic of her that she declined to take the floor 
 again until the unfortunate gentlemen at whose 
 expense Haliburton was being honoured had been 
 found, brought to her, and apprised of their fate. 
 They protested feebly, but Joan swept them aside 
 in a fashion with which they were only too fami- 
 liar. 
 
 "Run way, chicks," she said maternally, "and 
 get fresh partners. There are heaps of nice girls 
 to spare to-night. Look at that little thing over 
 there, with the blue eyes, and forget-me-nots in 
 her hair. Get introduced to her she's perfectly 
 lovely. Worth six of me, any day. Trot!" 
 
 But the two young men, refusing to be com- 
 forted, growled sulkily and elbowed their way 
 outside, to console each other for the fragility of 
 petticoat promises, and fortify themselves against 
 any further slings and arrows of outrageous For- 
 tune of a similar nature, in the refreshment room. 
 
 Still, the girl to whom Joan had directed their 
 attention was well worth notice. She stood near
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 233 
 
 the door, a slim, graceful, and somehow rather 
 appealing little figure. Her hair was the colour 
 of ripe corn, her eyes, wide and wondering, were 
 as blue as the forget-me-nots in her hair, and her 
 lips, to quote King Solomon upon a very different 
 type of female, were like a thread of scarlet. She 
 wore a simple white frock, and carried in her hand 
 the bouquet of the debutante. 
 
 Joan swung past her in the embrace of the ever- 
 faithful Binks. 
 
 "That child is a perfect dream," she said to 
 herself, "but her mouth is trembling at the cor- 
 ners. I wonder if some man has forgotten to ask 
 her to dance. I should think " 
 
 At this point in her reflections she was whirled 
 heavily into the orbit of a reversing couple, and 
 the ensuing collision, together with the enjoyment 
 of exacting a grovelling apology from the hapless 
 Binks (who was in no way responsible for the ac- 
 cident), drove further cogitations on the subject 
 of the girl with the forget-me-nots out of her head. 
 
 About midnight Joan slipped upstairs to what 
 her last partner a mechanically-minded young 
 gentleman from Woolwich described as the 
 repairing shop, to make good the ravages effected 
 by the Lancers as danced in high society in the 
 present year of grace. 
 
 The music for the next waltz was just beginning 
 when she returned to her pillar. No eager partner
 
 234 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 awaited her, which was unusual; and Joan 
 glanced at her programme. She bit her lip. 
 
 "Number eight," she said to herself. "Joey, 
 my child, he has scored you off and you de- 
 serve it!" 
 
 This cryptic utterance had reference to Mr. 
 Hugh Marrable, to whom it may be remembered 
 this particular dance had been offered, much as 
 a bone is thrown to a dog, on the lawn at Manors 
 three days before. 
 
 Hughie's subsequent demeanour had piqued 
 his ward's curiosity. He had made no further 
 reference to number eight, neither had he made 
 any attempt during this evening to come up and 
 confirm the fixture. In fact, he had not asked 
 Joan for a dance at all, with the consequence 
 that Miss Gaymer, who, serenely confident that 
 her guardian would come and eat humble pie at 
 the last moment, had kept number eight free, 
 now found herself occupying the rather unusual 
 role of wallflower. What was more, she knew she 
 would be unable to pick up a partner, for every 
 available man was being worked to the last ounce, 
 and pretty girls still sat here and there about the 
 room, chatting with chaperons and maintaining 
 a brave appearance of enjoyment and insouciance. 
 
 "I'm not going to let Hughie see me propping 
 a wall this dance," said Joan to herself with de- 
 cision. "He would think I had been keeping it
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 235 
 
 for him. What shall I do ? Go back to the cloak- 
 room ? No ; it is always full of girls without part- 
 ners pretending they've just dropped in to get 
 sewn up. I'll go to the Mayor's parlour and sit 
 there. It's never used at these dances." 
 
 Making a mental entry on the debit side of her 
 missing partner's ledger, Miss Gaymer retired 
 unostentatiously from the ballroom, and turned 
 down an unlighted passage, which was blocked 
 by a heavy screen marked "Private," and encum- 
 bered with rolls of carpet and superfluous furni- 
 ture. 
 
 The darkened passage was comfortably cool 
 and peaceful after the blaze and turmoil of the 
 field of action, and apparently had not been dis- 
 covered by couples in search of seclusion. Joan 
 was approaching the end, where she knew the 
 door of the Mayor's parlour was situated, when 
 she became aware of a certain subdued sound 
 quite near her. It was a sound well calculated to 
 catch the ear of one so tender-hearted as herself. 
 Some one was sobbing, very wretchedly, in the 
 darkness within a few feet of her. 
 
 Joan stopped short, a little frightened, and 
 peered about her. Her eyes were growing accus- 
 tomed to the gloom, and presently she beheld a 
 glimmer of white almost at her knee. The glim- 
 mer outlined itself into the form of a filmy 
 ball-dress.
 
 236 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 Joan tackled the situation with her usual 
 promptitude. 
 
 "I say," she said, "what's the matter? Let 
 me help you." 
 
 The sobbing ceased, and the white figure sat 
 up with a start. 
 
 "If you don't mind," continued Joan, "I'm 
 going to turn up this electric light." 
 
 There was a click, and the rays of a single and 
 rather dusty incandescent lamp illuminated the 
 scene, and with it the slender figure, seated for- 
 lornly on a roll of red carpet, of the little lady of 
 the forget-me-nots. 
 
 Her face was flushed with sudden shame, for 
 her shoulders were still heaving, and her cheeks 
 glistened with tears, the which she dabbed con- 
 fusedly with a totally inadequate scrap of pocket 
 handkerchief. 
 
 Joan, regardless of her new frock, was down 
 upon the dusty roll of carpet in a moment. She 
 put her arm round the girl. 
 
 "My dear," she said authoritatively, "what is 
 it? Tell me." 
 
 The girl told her. It was a simple story, and 
 not altogether a novel one, but it contained the 
 elements of tragedy for all that. 
 
 This was her coming-out ball. She pointed to 
 her discarded bouquet lying on the grimy floor. 
 Her father had put it into her hand, and hung a
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 237 
 
 little enamel pendant round her neck, and given 
 her a kiss, she told her story with all a child's 
 fidelity to detail, and had despatched her in her 
 brother's charge, with admonitions not to break 
 too many hearts, on the long fourteen-mile drive 
 to Midfield, a period occupied in ecstatic an- 
 ticipations of the event to which she had been 
 looking forward ever since she had put her hair 
 up. 
 
 Her brother, on their arrival, had booked one 
 dance with her, subsequently cancelled with 
 many apologies on the ground that he had just 
 met a girl whom he simply must dance with, 
 and introduced her to two young men whose pro- 
 grammes were already full ; after which he had 
 plunged into the crowd, comfortably conscious 
 that his duty had been done, leaving his sister to 
 stand, smiling bravely, with tingling feet and her 
 heart in her throat, from half-past nine until a 
 quarter-past twelve. The music was pulsing in 
 her ears, youth and laughter were swinging easily 
 past her even brushing her skirt ; and she was 
 utterly and absolutely alone. She was just eigh- 
 teen ; she was the prettiest girl (with the possible 
 exception of Joan Gaymer) in the room ; it was 
 her first ball and not a man had asked her to 
 dance. A small matter, perhaps, compared with 
 some, but men have blown out their brains for 
 less.
 
 238 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 Long before she had sobbed out all her pitiful 
 little narrative her head was on Joan's shoulder, 
 and that mercurial young person, oblivious of 
 everything save the fact that here was a sister in 
 distress, was handling the situation as if she were 
 twenty years her companion's senior instead of 
 two. 
 
 "I stood it for nearly three hours," said the 
 girl apologetically, "and then I I came here." 
 
 "Well, my dear," said Jflftn with decision, 
 "you are n't going to stay here any longer. You 
 are coming straight back to the ballroom with 
 me." 
 
 "I can't," replied the girl, "I could n't bear 
 it!" 
 
 "You are coming back to the ballroom with 
 me," repeated Miss Gaymer firmly. "There are 
 sixteen dances to go yet, and you are going to 
 dance the soles of your slippers through, my 
 child!" 
 
 "You are awfully kind," said the girl wistfully, 
 " but you won't be able to find me a partner now." 
 
 "I can find you sixteen," said Joan. 
 
 The child turned wondering eyes on her, and 
 asked a question. 
 
 "Me? Oh, I shall have a rest: I want one," 
 replied Miss Gaymer, splendide mendax. "In 
 fact, it will be a charity on your part to take them. 
 They're all stupid, and they can't dance."
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 239 
 
 But the girl shook her head. 
 
 "You're a dear to suggest it," she said, "but 
 it would n't do. Think how angry they would be, 
 having booked a dance with Miss Gaymer, and 
 only getting 
 
 "Do you know me?" asked Joan in sur- 
 prise.* 
 
 "Everybody knows you," said the girl. 
 
 Joan flushed rosily. It was a compliment after 
 her own heart. ^^ ' 
 
 "I say, what's ylur name?" she asked. 
 
 "Sylvia Tarrant." 
 
 Joan nodded. " I know now," she said. "You 
 live near Gainford." 
 
 The Tarrants were new-comers. Sylvia's father 
 was a retired sailor and a widower, and had but 
 lately settled in the district, which would account 
 for his daughter's want of acquaintance. 
 
 "Yes," said Sylvia. "But really, I could not 
 take your partners. They'd be furious at getting 
 me instead of you." 
 
 Miss Gaymer turned and scrutinised the face 
 and figure beside her. 
 
 "All you want, my child," she said, "is a start. 
 After to-night you'll never be left alone for two 
 seconds at any ball you care to go to. In fact, I 
 don't see how I shall ever be able to get any part- 
 ners at all," she added plaintively. 
 
 At this idea the girl laughed and looked hap-
 
 240 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 pier, which was just exactly what Joan meant her 
 to do. Her spirit was returning. 
 
 Joan rose briskly. 
 
 "Now, Sylvia," she said, "I'm going to leave 
 you for two minutes, because I want to find a 
 man to send round and tell all my partners that 
 you've agreed to take them on. Then I'll come 
 back and get you started. Just put yourself 
 straight. There's a loose end of hair here: I'll 
 roll it up. There! Your eyes are getting better 
 every minute. Give your skirt a shake out, and 
 have a look at yourself in that mirror, and you'll 
 be simply perfect. So long!" 
 
 "There's somebody coming," said Sylvia, turn- 
 ing from her toilet and looking over her shoulder. 
 
 A masculine form filled the passage. It was 
 Hughie, who, deprived of a partner through 
 Joan's absence, the result of standing on his 
 dignity in the matter of number eight, was 
 prowling about in search of a quiet spot where he 
 might indulge in the luxury of a pipe. 
 
 Joan, who had forgotten all about number 
 eight, received him with unfeigned pleasure, and 
 hurried him back whence he came. On the way 
 she breathlessly explained the situation to him. 
 
 "Hughie, that poor child has come here not 
 knowing a soul, and has stood against the wall 
 for three hours. There is n't a partner to be had 
 for love or money at this hour, so she must just
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 241 
 
 have mine. Take my programme wait a min- 
 ute, I'll fill in some of these initials and go 
 round to all the men whose names are on it, and 
 tell them I'm very sorry but I've got a headache 
 and can't dance any more to-night, but they're 
 to come to me at once at my pillar and be intro- 
 duced to a substitute I've provided for them." 
 
 "Do you think they'll exactly jump at the 
 idea of a substitute?" suggested Hughie mildly. 
 
 "Their business," said Miss Gaymer with a 
 sudden return to her usual manner, "is to do 
 what I tell them! Run, Hughie. Don't say a 
 word about the poor kid not having been able to 
 get partners, will you ? Say she came late any- 
 thing! You understand ?" 
 
 Hughie nodded. 
 
 "I understand," he said. "She came late, and 
 you have a headache. Those are the two essential 
 facts of the case eh ?" 
 
 " Yes. Hurry !" said Joan, giving her guardian 
 a push. 
 
 "Joey," said Hughie, "you're a brick!" 
 
 Half an hour later the members of the Midfield 
 Hunt Ball were electrified to behold Miss Joan 
 Gaymer sitting between two comatose and fam- 
 ished chaperons, watching the dancers with in- 
 dulgent eye, and generally presenting the appear- 
 ance of one whose time for these follies is overpast.
 
 242 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 Then heads began to turn in another direction. 
 People were asking one another who the little 
 thing with the forget-me-nots might be, who 
 danced like a fairy, and appeared to have made 
 a "corner" in all Miss Gaymer's usual admirers. 
 Had her appearance anything to do with Miss 
 Gaymer's retirement ? A case of pique eh ? 
 Heads wagged sagely, and eyebrows were ele- 
 vated. Poor Joan ! Like all the great ones of the 
 earth, she had her detractors. 
 
 Sylvia herself was lost in the clouds by this 
 time. When not engaged in obeying Joan's man- 
 date to dance the soles of her slippers through, 
 she was granting interviews to obsequious young 
 men, who surged round in respectful platoons 
 and hoped that, though disappointed on this oc- 
 casion, they might have the pleasure at the 
 County Bachelors' on Thursday fortnight. 
 
 Never was there such a triumph. The girl, 
 radiant and fluttering, smiled and blushed and 
 wrote down hopeless hieroglyphics on the back 
 of her programme, while Miss Joan Gaymer, the 
 deposed, the eclipsed, sat contentedly by and 
 realised to the full the truth of her own dictum 
 that all Sylvia Tarrant wanted was a start. 
 
 Later in the evening the watchful eye of Hughie 
 Marrable detected the fact that Joan had dis- 
 appeared from amid the concourse of matrons, 
 and he speculated as to where she might be. He
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 243 
 
 himself was enjoying a brief period of freedom, 
 his partner for the moment having pleaded urgent 
 private repairs and vanished to the regions above, 
 and the idea had struck him that Joan might be 
 going supperless. 
 
 A brief scrutiny informed him that she was 
 neither in the ballroom nor the supper-room. 
 Then an inspiration seized him. Waiting for a 
 comparatively quiet moment, he paid a hasty 
 visit to the latter apartment, and having levied 
 a contribution upon the side-table, slipped fur- 
 tively round the big screen and down the dark 
 passage. 
 
 His instincts had not failed him. Miss Joan 
 Gaymer was sitting peacefully upon the roll of 
 red carpet. Her head was lying back against the 
 wall, and the rays of the dusty electric light 
 glinted upon her coppery hair. Her eyes were 
 closed, but she opened them at Hughie's approach, 
 blinking like a sleepy Dryad. 
 
 "Hallo, Hughie!" she observed. "You nearly 
 won a pair of gloves that time. Long evening, 
 this!" 
 
 Hughie began to deposit articles on the floor. 
 
 "Supper," he observed briefly. 
 
 He laid out a plate of mayonnaise, another of 
 trifle, a bottle about half- full of champagne, and 
 a tumbler. 
 
 "Hughie," said Joan, "you're the only real
 
 244 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 friend I have in the world ! I was nearly crying 
 for something to eat. That, and seeing other 
 people dance and not me. Hughie, it was simply 
 awful! I had no idea: if I had sat there much 
 longer I should have burst into tears. I'd for- 
 gotten, too, that by giving away all my partners 
 I was giving away my supper. If I'd remem- 
 bered I would have kept just one a little one. 
 But never mind, now: the plague is stayed. I 
 owe you one for this. How did you manage to 
 carry all those things?" 
 
 "Large hands," said Hughie. "Half a min- 
 ute!" 
 
 He produced from his tail-pocket two forks, 
 a napkin, and a bottle of soda-water. 
 
 "I remembered you liked your drink diluted," 
 he said, pouring out both bottles at once. "I 
 noticed it at dinner, the other night." 
 
 "Hughie, you're a dear!" said Joan impul- 
 sively. 
 
 "Say when!" remarked Hughie unsteadily. 
 
 It was five o'clock in the morning. The band 
 had played " Whisper and I shall hear," followed 
 by "John Peel," followed by "God save the 
 King," followed by "John Peel," once more, fol- 
 lowed by "God save the King" again, and the 
 musicians were now putting away their instru- 
 ments with an air of finality which intimated that
 
 VARIUM ET MUTABILE 245 
 
 in their humble opinion the Midfield Hunt Ball 
 had had its money's worth. 
 
 The Manors party, all twelve of them, were 
 being scientifically packed into an omnibus con- 
 structed to seat ten uncomfortably, and Joan was 
 waiting her turn in the portico. At this moment 
 Sylvia Tarrant, followed by a slightly sheepish 
 brother, came down the steps. Her cheeks were 
 excessively pink and her eyes blazed. 
 
 She saw Joan, and stopped. 
 
 "I was afraid I was going to miss you," she 
 said. "Good-night!" 
 
 "Good-night!" said Joan. 
 
 The little girl she was a head shorter than 
 Joan placed her hands upon her new friend's 
 shoulders, and stood on tiptoe. 
 
 "I should like to kiss you," she said shyly. 
 
 "Oh, my dear!" said Joan, quite flustered. 
 "Of course if you like. There!" 
 
 She was unusually silent all the way home, and 
 when they reached Manors said good-night to 
 Mrs. Leroy and flitted upstairs to her room. The 
 rest of the party dispersed ten minutes later, and 
 Hughie was left alone with his host and hostess. 
 
 "I have never known that child have a head- 
 ache before," said Mrs. Leroy rather anxiously, 
 as Hughie lighted her candle. "I hope there's 
 nothing wrong." 
 
 "She's as right as rain," said Hughie. "She
 
 246 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 gave up all her partners every man Jack of 
 them I mean I'm sorry ! I don't think she 
 meant me to tell " 
 
 "You may as well finish now," said Mrs. 
 Leroy composedly. 
 
 Hughie did so. Mrs. Leroy nodded. 
 
 "It was like her," she said softly, "especially 
 telling you to keep quiet about it. A good many 
 women might have given up their dances, but 
 very few could have resisted the temptation to 
 make capital out of their generosity. Never tell 
 me again, miserable creature," she continued, 
 turning suddenly upon her comatose spouse, 
 " that a woman is incapable of doing a good turn 
 to another woman!" 
 
 "Cert'nly, m'dear," replied Captain Leroy, 
 making a desperate effort to close his mouth and 
 open his eyes. 
 
 "But of course," broke in Hughie unexpectedly, 
 "there are precious few women like Joey." 
 
 Then he bit his lip, and turned a dusky red. 
 
 Mrs. Leroy, being a woman, took no outward 
 notice, but her husband, who was a plain crea- 
 ture, turned and regarded his guest with undis- 
 guised interest. 
 
 "What ho!" he remarked, wagging his sleepy 
 head. 
 
 "Good-night, old man!" said Hughie hur- 
 riedly.
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 
 BUSINESS ONLY 
 
 NEXT morning Hughie made Miss Joan Gaymer 
 a proposal of marriage. 
 
 It was not an impressive effort very few pro- 
 posals are. But a performance of this kind may 
 miss the mark as a spectacle and yet, by the in- 
 dulgence of the principal spectator, achieve its 
 end. Even thus Hughie failed, and for various 
 reasons. 
 
 In the first place, he proposed directly after 
 breakfast, which, as Joey pathetically observed 
 to Mrs. Leroy long afterwards, was just the sort 
 of brutal thing he would do. A woman, especially 
 if she be young, likes to be won, or at any rate 
 wooed, in a certain style. A secluded spot, sub- 
 dued light, mayhap a moon ; if possible, distant 
 music all these things tell. If Hughie had paid 
 a little more attention to stage-effects of this kind 
 he might have found his ward more amenable. 
 Being a Marrable, he brushed aside these trap- 
 pings and came straight to what he fondly imag- 
 ined was the point, little knowing that to a young 
 girl romance and courtship make up one great 
 and glorious vista, filling the eye and occupying
 
 248 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 the entire landscape, while marriage is a small 
 black cloud on the distant horizon. 
 
 His actual method of procedure was to sit 
 heavily down beside his ward as she enjoyed 
 the morning sun in a corner of the lawn, and 
 say, - 
 
 "Joey, I want to talk to you on business." 
 
 "All right, warder," replied Miss Gaymer 
 meekly ; " fire away ! ' ' 
 
 "I suppose you know," said Hughie, a little 
 dashed, "that all your affairs have been left in 
 my hands ?" 
 
 "I do, worse luck !" said Miss Gaymer frankly. 
 "And that reminds me, Hughie dear, I should 
 like a trifle on account. You won't refuse poor 
 Joey, will you?" 
 
 She squeezed her guardian's arm in a manner 
 which a Frenchman would have described as ires 
 caline. 
 
 " I think I had better put you on an allowance," 
 said Hughie. 
 
 Joan's eyes danced. 
 
 "Oh, you ripper I How much?" 
 
 "Can't say," replied Hughie, "until I've been 
 up to town and seen the bankers." 
 
 "When are you going?" 
 
 " To-morrow : that 's why I wanted to talk to 
 you to-day. You see, your money is in two parts, 
 so to speak. One lot is tied up in such a way that
 
 BUSINESS ONLY 249 
 
 it can't be touched until poor Uncle Jimmy's 
 death is actually proved." 
 
 Joan's blue-grey eyes were troubled. 
 
 "Hughie," she said, "is there any hope ? I still 
 like to think so." 
 
 Hughie shook his head. " Not much," he said. 
 "In fact, none. It is known that he went with 
 that crack-brained expedition of Hymack's up the 
 Congo, to study the Rubber Question on the 
 spot, and the last letter he sent home said that 
 he was suffering from black- water fever, and it is 
 also known that the expedition came back without 
 him. And all that was two years ago, Joey." 
 
 Joan nodded her head submissively. 
 
 "Poor Uncle Jimmy!" she said softly. 
 
 "Still," continued Hughie stoutly, "you never 
 know. I have sent a man out to make inquiries, 
 and if he fails, perhaps I shall go myself. But 
 until we learn something definite the will can't 
 be proved. However, he left me very full instruc- 
 tions what to do in case he did not come back, so 
 I must carry them out. There is plenty for you 
 to go on with. I shall run up to town to-morrow, 
 and when I come back I'll let you know how 
 much it is, and how much a year I can allow you." 
 
 Miss Gaymer clasped her hands and sighed 
 happily. 
 
 " We will have a time, Hughie!" she said. "I'll 
 stand treat."
 
 250 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 "Thank you," said Hughie gravely. 
 
 There was a long silence. Hughie, suddenly ill 
 at ease, he had arrived at Part Two of his 
 morning's syllabus, made fatuous attempts to 
 roll a cigarette. His ward sat with a rapt expres- 
 sion in her widely-opened eyes, mentally visualis- 
 ing a series of charitable enterprises (ranging 
 from a turquoise pendant for Mildred Leroy to 
 a new cap for the cook) made feasible by the 
 sudden prospect of wealth. 
 
 Presently Hughie cleared his throat in a heart- 
 rending manner, and said, in what he afterwards 
 admitted to himself was entirely the wrong sort 
 of voice, 
 
 " Joey, I think you and I had better marry one 
 another." 
 
 Miss Gaymer, who was more used to this sort 
 of thing than her companion, turned and eyed 
 him calmly. 
 
 "And why?" she asked. 
 
 There was only one possible answer to this 
 question, and Hughie should have given it with 
 the full strength of his heart and soul and body. 
 But well, reserve is a curious and paralysing 
 thing. All he said was, 
 
 "I think it would be very suitable; don't 
 you ?" 
 
 "For you or for me ?" inquired Miss Gaymer. 
 
 "For both of us," replied Hughie. "No for
 
 BUSINESS ONLY 251 
 
 me!" he added, his habitual modesty getting the 
 better of him. 
 
 "In what way ?" continued Miss Gaymer, with 
 unnatural calm. 
 
 " Well Uncle Jimmy was very keen about 
 it," said Hughie desperately. 
 
 "You're a dutiful nephew, Hughie," observed 
 Joan approvingly. 
 
 "And then," continued the suitor, "as I have 
 been made your guardian, and all that, I think 
 I am in a position to take care of you, and look 
 after your money, and so on." 
 
 " You mean it would make it easier for you to 
 manage my affairs ?" said Miss Gaymer helpfully. 
 
 "Yes," said Hughie, feeling that he was get- 
 ting on. 
 
 "Any more reasons ?" inquired Miss Gaymer, 
 with a docile appearance of intelligent interest. 
 
 Hughie made an immense effort, and grasped 
 his chair until the veins stood out on his hands. 
 Parturiunt monies at last. 
 
 "Well, Joey," he said at last, "we have always 
 been pals, and all that. I mean, we have known 
 each other for a long time now, have n't we ? You 
 even offered to marry me once," he laughed 
 nervously, " when you were a kiddie. Do you 
 remember ? It seems to me we should get on first- 
 rate together eh ? What's your opinion ?" 
 
 Ridiculus mus !
 
 252 SUAVITER IN MO DO 
 
 Miss Gaymer sat up in her chair, and turned 
 upon the unfortunate young man beside her. 
 
 "And you dare" she said, "to come to a girl 
 like me with a proposal like that! You sit there 
 and tell me that you have taken me over from 
 Uncle Jimmy like a like a parcel from a porter, 
 and that you have been saddled with my money 
 and affairs, so perhaps it would be simplest and 
 save trouble if you married me! Mel" she re- 
 peated, "who have to keep men off with a stick !" 
 
 The last sentence was a mistake. It was an 
 inartistic and egotistical climax to a perfectly 
 justifiable tirade. Joan realised the fact the mo- 
 ment she had uttered the words, but poor Hughie 
 was too much occupied in retiring into his shell 
 to notice anything. He had laid bare his heart, 
 in his own fashion, for the first time in his life, 
 and this was the result. Never again ! He burned 
 inwardly, like a child who has been laughed at 
 by grown-ups. 
 
 "I'm sorry," he said stiffly. "My mistake! 
 Shan't occur again." 
 
 Joey's ear was caught by the tone of his voice, 
 and conscience gave her a twinge. She patted 
 Hughie's arm in a friendly way. 
 
 "Old boy," she said, suddenly contrite, "I've 
 made you angry, and I 've hurt you. I 'm sowwy 
 sorry, I mean ! (I'm a bit upset, you see," she 
 said, smiling disarmingly.) "But I can't marry
 
 BUSINESS ONLY 253 
 
 you, really. I could n't bear to be married at all 
 at present. It seems so so unnecessary. I don't 
 see what I should get out of it. That's a selfish 
 thing to say, I suppose, but I'll try to explain a 
 girl's point of view to you. You're a terrible child 
 in some respects, so I'll do it quite simply." 
 
 She stroked his sleeve in a motherly fashion, 
 and continued : 
 
 " Years ago, my dear, the only way a girl could 
 get her freedom or any male society was by 
 marrying. Now, she gets as much of both as she 
 wants, and if she marries she loses all the freedom 
 and most of the male society. So why should she 
 marry at all?" 
 
 Hughie kept silence before this poser. He felt 
 incapable of plunging into the depths of an argu- 
 ment : one has to keep to the surface in discussing 
 these matters with a maiden of twenty. 
 
 "So I shan't marry for years, if at all," con- 
 tinued Miss Gaymer, with the air of one pro- 
 pounding an entirely new theory. "Not until 
 I'm getting passee at any rate, and only then if 
 I could find a man whom it would n't give me 
 the creeps to think of spending the rest of my life 
 with. Besides, the moment one gets engaged all 
 the other men drop off, all the nice ones, at 
 any rate, and that would never do. Don't you 
 think my system is a sensible one?" 
 
 "It comes hard on the men," said Hughie.
 
 254 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 "Yes, poor dears!" said Miss Gaymer sympa- 
 thetically. "Still, one man is so tiresome and a 
 lot is so nice!" 
 
 With which concise and not unmasterly sum- 
 mary of the marriage question, as viewed through 
 the eyes of the modern maiden, Miss Gaymer 
 turned the conversation into other channels, and 
 the idyll terminated. 
 
 Half an hour later they were called into the 
 house, to make ready for a boating expedition. 
 
 Joan, with her usual frankness, reverted for 
 a moment before they left the seclusion of the 
 trees to the topic that was uppermost in their 
 minds. 
 
 "Hughie," she said softly, "does it hurt 
 much?" 
 
 "I don't quite know yet," said Hughie. 
 
 " I mean, are you sad or angry which ? It 
 usually takes a man one way or the other," ob- 
 served this experienced damsel. 
 
 "I don't know that I'm either," said Hughie 
 meditatively ; " the only feeling that I have just 
 now is that I'm desperately sorry. But I'm not 
 kicking." 
 
 "It is my belief," remarked Miss Gaymer with 
 sudden and pardonable asperity, " that you don't 
 care for me in the least. Do you, now?" 
 
 They were a very honest and sincere couple, 
 these. For a full minute they looked each other in
 
 BUSINESS ONLY 255 
 
 the face, without speaking. Then Hughie said, 
 
 "Joey, I simply don't know! I thought I did 
 half an hour ago, and I'd have sworn it last night, 
 when " 
 
 He checked himself. 
 
 "When what?" asked Joan swiftly. 
 
 "Nothing," said Hughie. "That's rather be- 
 side the point now, is n't it ?" 
 
 Joan, curiosity struggling with honesty, nodded 
 reluctantly. 
 
 "Anyhow," continued Hughie, "I thought I 
 did then, but I'm blessed if I know now. In 
 fact," he added in a sudden burst of confidence, 
 "sometimes I can't stand you at any price, Joey 
 dear!" 
 
 " Ah ! " said Miss Gaymer, nodding a wise head, 
 "I see you don't know your own mind yet. But 
 you will one way or another as soon as you 
 get away from me." 
 
 A week later another interview took place 
 between the pair, on the same spot. 
 
 "Business only this time, Joey!" said Hughie, 
 with rather laborious cheerfulness. 
 
 "All right. Did you have a good time in 
 town ?" inquired Miss Gaymer, in the inevitable 
 manner of women and Orientals, who dislike 
 coming to the point in matters of business with- 
 out a few decent preliminaries.
 
 256 8UAVITER IN MODO 
 
 "Yes, thanks. I have been picking up old 
 friends again, and generally settling down," 
 said Hughie. "Got a flat, and a comic man- 
 servant Scotchman introduce you some day. 
 He- 
 
 He plunged into a rather rambling description 
 of John Alexander Goble. He was evidently no 
 more anxious to get to business than Joan. 
 
 At last Miss Gaymer inquired, 
 
 " Well, Hughie, have you fixed up my affairs ?" 
 
 "Yes," said Hughie slowly. "Do you want 
 details?" 
 
 "Mercy, no! I don't know anything about 
 business, and I don't believe you do either, 
 Hughie. Do you?" 
 
 "Not much," confessed the trustee. "How- 
 ever, I must tell you at once, Joey, that your in- 
 come won't be nearly as large as I expected ! 
 
 "Right O!" replied Joan cheerfully. "When 
 do I start for the workhouse ?" 
 
 "It's not quite so bad as that," said Hughie, 
 "but" 
 
 "What am I worth?" inquired the practical 
 Miss Gaymer. 
 
 "I can't quite tell you," said Hughie in a 
 hesitating fashion. "You see" He appeared 
 to be choosing his words rather carefully "the 
 nominal value of investments, and their actual 
 cash equivalent
 
 BUSINESS ONLY 257 
 
 Joan put her fingers in her ears. 
 
 "Stop !" she cried, "or I shall scream ! I don't 
 know an asset from a liability, except that in the 
 arithmetic book brokerage is one-eighth, and 
 Never mind! I should never understand. How 
 much am I to have a year ? Tell me that." 
 
 "Supposing it should be a mere trifle," said 
 Hughie slowly, "what would you do?" 
 
 Miss Gaymer puckered her brow thoughtfully. 
 
 "You mean, if I had n't enough to live on ?" 
 
 Hughie nodded. 
 
 "Well, I shouldn't be a governess, I don't 
 think. I love children, but children are always 
 perfectly diabolical to their governess, and I 
 should n't be able to stand their mothers, either. 
 No : governesses are off ! I should n't mind being 
 a typewriter, though, or a secretary, not that 
 I can typewrite, or even spell, provided it was 
 to a really nice man. An author, you know, or a 
 Cabinet Minister. He could walk about the room, 
 rumpling up his hair and getting the stuff off his 
 chest, and I would sit there like a little mouse, 
 in a neat black skirt and a white silk blouse, 
 perhaps one or two carnations pinned on, look- 
 ing very sweet and taking it all down." 
 
 "It's a pretty picture," said Hughie drily. 
 
 "Yes, is n't it ?" said Miss Gaymer, with genu- 
 ine enthusiasm. "I think," she continued, soar- 
 ing to still greater heights, " that I should like to
 
 258 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 go on the stage best of all. Of course, it would n't 
 be the slightest good my going on the proper 
 stage learning parts, and all that ; but a piece 
 like 'The Merry Widow,' with different frocks 
 for each act and just a few choruses to sing in, 
 would be top-hole! Say I'm a pauper, Hughie!" 
 
 "You're not thank God!" was Hughie's 
 brutal but earnest response. 
 
 "All right, then! Don't bite my head off!" 
 said Miss Gaymer, with unimpaired good temper. 
 "Let us resume. How much are you going to 
 give me ?" 
 
 "How much can you live on ?" 
 
 "Well, I was talking about it to Ursula Har- 
 bord you know her, don't you?" 
 
 "I do," said Hughie, making a wry face. 
 
 " Very well, don't abuse her. She's the cleverest 
 girl I know," said Joan warmly. "She is on the 
 staff of 'The New Woman,' and can put a man 
 in his place in about two minutes." 
 
 "So I discovered," said Hughie resignedly. 
 "Popular type of girl. However, you were 
 saying ?" 
 
 "I was asking Ursula," continued Joan, 
 "about the cost of living in town, and so on, and 
 we agreed to share a flat. She said I could get 
 along on three hundred a-year." 
 
 Joan paused expectantly, and waited for an 
 answer to her unspoken question.
 
 BUSINESS ONLY 259 
 
 "That," said Hughie, after hesitating a mo- 
 ment as if to work out a sum in mental arith- 
 metic, "is just what I can give you." 
 
 A pair of Archdiaconal shoe-buckles, the glim- 
 mer of a lady's white evening wrap, and a glowing 
 cigar-end were discernible in the half-light of 
 the verandah outside the drawing-room window 
 after dinner. Two Olympians, to whom human 
 hearts were as an open book, were discussing 
 mortal affairs. 
 
 "Is there no way of bringing it off ?" inquired 
 one voice. 
 
 "Lots," replied the other. "But they have so 
 bungled things between them that we shall have 
 to go slow for a bit. Why, oh, why do men whom 
 you could trust to do almost anything in the 
 ordinary way always make such a mess of their 
 love-affairs ? Why are n't you married, for in- 
 stance, Mr. D'Arcy?" 
 
 "To return to the point," said the reverend 
 gentleman evasively, " what ought Hughie to do ? 
 Take her by the shoulders and shake her ? I have 
 known such a method prove most efficacious," he 
 added, rather incautiously. 
 
 "N-no," said Mrs. Leroy, "I don't think so 
 not in Joey's case. It would bring some women 
 to reason most women, in fact in no time. 
 But the child is too high-spirited. Her pride
 
 260 SUAVITER IN MODO 
 
 would never forgive such treatment. A better 
 way would be for him to make love to some one 
 else." 
 
 "Being Hughie, that is out of the question. 
 He could only make love to some one else if he 
 meant it; and that would rather defeat your 
 object, Mrs. Leroy." 
 
 "My object?" 
 
 " Well, ours, then. But is there no other way ?" 
 
 "Yes. He must get into trouble of some kind. 
 At present he is too popular: everybody likes 
 him. If they turned against him she would come 
 round fast enough. Yes, he must get into trouble." 
 
 " Well, perhaps he will," said the Venerable 
 the Archdeacon hopefully.
 
 BOOK FOUR 
 THE UNJUST STEWARD
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 
 DEPUTATIONS WITH A DIFFERENCE 
 
 HUGHIE let himself into his chambers in Jer- 
 myn Street, and rang the bell of his sitting-room. 
 It was a comfortable bachelor apartment, with 
 sporting trophies on the walls, cavernous arm- 
 chairs round the fireplace, and plenty of pipes 
 dotted about the mantelpiece. 
 
 It was eleven o'clock on a fine morning in 
 March, and Hughie had been to Putney to stroke 
 a scratch eight against the Cambridge crew, who 
 had rowed a full trial on the early flood and 
 required a little pacing between bridges. 
 
 Presently the sitting-room door opened, and 
 John Alexander Goble presented himself upon 
 the threshold. Since his unregenerate days on 
 board the Orinoco a new and awful respectability 
 had descended upon him, and in his sober menial 
 attire he looked more like a Calvinistic divine 
 than ever. He regarded his employer with some 
 displeasure. 
 
 " Your breakfast has been sitting in the fender 
 these twa hours," he observed bitterly. 
 
 " Sorry, John. Afraid I forgot to countermand 
 it. I had some at Putney."
 
 264 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "At what hour?'* inquired the inexorable Mr. 
 Goble. 
 
 "Half-past seven, about, with the crew." 
 
 "It's eleven the noo. You'll be able for some 
 mair, I doot. Forbye it's a pity to waste good 
 food. Bide you, while I'll get it." 
 
 Hughie, who was as wax in the hands of his 
 retainer, presently found himself partaking of a 
 lukewarm collation and opening his letters. 
 
 He glanced through the first. 
 
 "John!" he called. 
 
 Mr. Goble appeared from the bedroom. 
 
 "Were you cry in' on me?" he inquired. 
 
 "Yes. Did two gentlemen call here at ten ?" 
 
 "Aye." 
 
 "Who were they?" 
 
 "Yon felly Gaymer, and anither." 
 
 "Who was he?" 
 
 "I couldna say." 
 
 "' What was he like?" 
 
 Mr. Goble cast about him for a suitable com- 
 parison. 
 
 "He was just a long drink o' watter," he an- 
 nounced at last, with an air of finality. 
 
 "Did he look like an actor?" inquired 
 Hughie, with a flash of intuition. 
 
 "Worse than that," replied Goble. 
 
 " Um I think I know him. Thank you, that 
 will do. By the way, I'm expecting some friends
 
 DEPUTATIONS 265 
 
 to lunch. Captain and Mrs. Leroy and Mr. 
 D'Arcy. You know him, don't you ?" 
 
 "D'Arcy? Aye, I mind him fine. A fat yin, 
 wi' a lum hat tied up wi' string. A popish-lookin' 
 body," commented Mr. Goble sorrowfully. 
 
 He retired downstairs, to ponder upon the 
 dubiety of the company into which his employer 
 appeared to be drifting, and Hughie returned to 
 his letters. 
 
 The sight of the next caused him to glow sud- 
 denly, for on the back of the envelope he observed 
 the address of Joan's flat. But he cooled when he 
 turned it round and read the superscription. It 
 was in the handwriting of the lady with whom 
 Joan shared the flat. 
 
 " DEAR MR. MARRABLE [it said], 
 "Joan and I are coming to call on you to- 
 morrow about twelve " 
 
 "They'd better stay to lunch." Hughie touched 
 the bell and continued, 
 
 "Dear Joan is very young in some ways, and 
 she has no idea of the value of money ; but since 
 talking the matter over with me recently, she 
 would like to have a few words with you about 
 her financial position. 
 
 "How delightful to see the leaves coming out 
 again ! Believe me, yours sincerely, 
 
 "URSULA HARBORD."
 
 266 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "'Dear Joan would like* would she ?" com- 
 mented Hughie. " I 'm afraid it's Ursula Harbord 
 I'm going to have the few words with, though. 
 Hades!" 
 
 He rose and crossed the room to the fireplace, 
 where he kicked the coals with unnecessary 
 violence. Then he sighed heavily, and picked up 
 a photograph which stood upon the mantelpiece. 
 
 Joan had spoken nothing but the truth when 
 she told Hughie that he would discover his true 
 feelings as soon as he found himself away from 
 her. For six or eight months he had gone about 
 his day's work with the thoroughness and deter- 
 mination of his nature. He had administered the 
 little estate of Manors, was beginning to dabble 
 in politics, had taken up rowing again, and was 
 trying to interest himself generally in the course 
 of life to which he had looked forward so eagerly 
 on his travels. He had even tried conclusions 
 with a few debutantes who had been introduced to 
 his notice by business-like Mammas. But what- 
 ever his course of life, his thoughts and desires 
 persisted in centring round a single object, a 
 very disturbing and elusive object, and try as 
 he would, he failed to derive either pleasure or 
 profit from his present existence. 
 
 In other words, he had made a mess of a love- 
 affair. 
 
 Most men and most women too, for that
 
 DEPUTATIONS 267 
 
 matter undergo this experience at least once in 
 their lives, and no two ever endure it in the same 
 way. One rants, another mopes, a third forgets, 
 a fourth bides his time, a fifth seeks consolation 
 elsewhere, a sixth buries himself in work or 
 dissipation. Hughie, who cherished a theory that 
 everything ultimately comes right in this world 
 provided you hold on long enough, and that 
 when in doubt a man should " stand by the Day's 
 Work and await instructions," like Kipling's 
 Bridge-Builders, had gone steadily on, because it 
 was his nature so to do. It was uphill work at 
 present, a mechanical perfunctory business, 
 with no reward or alleviation in sight, but he 
 was determined to go on doing his duty by Joan 
 to the best of his ability, and combine so far as he 
 was able the incompatible roles of stern guardian, 
 undesired suitor, and to him most paradoxical 
 of all familiar friend. 
 
 For there was no doubt that Joan liked him. 
 She trusted him, consulted him, yea, obeyed 
 him, even when he contradicted her most prepos- 
 terous utterances and put down a heavy foot on 
 her most cherished enterprises. For this he did 
 without flinching. The fact that he was a failure 
 as a lover seemed to be no reason why he should 
 fail as a guardian. 
 
 Not that Joan submitted readily to his regime. 
 To Hughie's essentially masculine mind her
 
 268 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 changes of attitude were a complete mystery. 
 They seemed to have no logical sequence or con- 
 nection. She would avoid him or seek him out 
 with equal unexpectedness. She might be hope- 
 lessly obstinate or disarmingly docile. One day 
 she would behave like a spoilt child ; on another 
 she would be a very grandmother to him. Some- 
 times she would blaze up and rail against her 
 much-enduring guardian for a tyrant and a 
 monster; at others she would take him under a 
 most maternal wing, and steer him through a 
 garden-party or a reception in a manner which 
 made him feel like a lost child in the hands of a 
 benevolent policeman. On one occasion, which 
 he particularly remembered, she had rounded on 
 him and scolded him for a full half-hour for his 
 stolid immobility and lack of finesse; the self-same 
 afternoon he had overheard her hotly defending 
 him against a charge of dulness brought by two 
 frivolous damsels over the tea-table. 
 
 All this was very perplexing to a man who 
 hated subtlety and liked his friends and foes 
 marked in plain figures. It unsettled his own 
 opinions, too. Joey's variegated behaviour pre- 
 vented him from deciding in his own mind 
 whether he really liked her or not. At present 
 all he was certain of was that he loved her. 
 
 Meanwhile she was coming to see him about 
 her financial position. That did not promise
 
 DEPUTATIONS 269 
 
 romance. And Ursula Harbord was coming too. 
 Help! Certainly life was a rotten business at 
 present. And it had been so full and glorious 
 before he had forsaken the wide world and taken 
 to this sort of thing. It might have been so dif- 
 ferent too, if only 
 
 Poor Hughie replaced Joan's photograph, 
 sighed again and coughed confusedly. A fu- 
 nereal image appeared over his shoulder in the 
 chimney-glass. 
 
 "Were you ringin' ?" inquired a sepulchral 
 voice. 
 
 " Yes, John. Miss Gaymer and a friend of hers 
 are coming to see me this morning. They'll prob- 
 ably stay to lunch. You can clear away that food 
 over there." 
 
 He returned to his letters. Only one remained 
 unopened, and proved to be from a man with 
 whom he had arranged to shoot in the autumn. 
 
 "This seems to promise a little relief from the 
 present cheery state of affairs," he mused. " Four 
 men on a nice bleak moor, with no women about ! 
 Thank God ! A hundred pounds a share. Well, 
 Lord knows, trusteeing is an unprofitable busi- 
 ness, but I think I can just do it. I '11 accept at 
 once." 
 
 He began to write a telegram. Bachelors have 
 a habit of conducting their correspondence in this 
 manner.
 
 270 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "Here's they twa whigmalearies," announced 
 Mr. Goble dispassionately. 
 
 He ushered in Lance Gaymer and the histrionic 
 Mr. Haliburton. 
 
 "After compliments," as they say in official 
 circles, Lance came to the point. 
 
 "Marrable," he said, after an almost imper- 
 ceptible exchange of glances with Haliburton, 
 "aren't you keeping my sister rather short of 
 money?" 
 
 Hughie turned and stared at him in blank 
 astonishment. 
 
 Mr. Haliburton, exuding gentlemanly tact at 
 every pore, rose instantly. 
 
 "You two fellows would like to be alone, no 
 doubt," he said. "I must not intrude into family 
 matters. I'll call for you in half an hour, Lance." 
 
 Hughie had risen too. 
 
 "You need not trouble, Mr. Haliburton," he 
 said. "Lance is coming with you." 
 
 Mr Gaymer was obviously unprepared for such 
 prompt measures as these. 
 
 " But look here I say what the devil do 
 you mean ?" he spluttered. 
 
 "I mean," replied Hughie deliberately, he 
 had realised, almost exultantly, that here once 
 more was a situation which need not be handled 
 with kid gloves, " that I am your sister's sole 
 trustee and guardian, and that you have nothing
 
 DEPUTATIONS 271 
 
 whatever to do with the disposition of her prop- 
 erty, and 
 
 "I think you forget," said Lance truculently, 
 "that I am her brother." 
 
 "I do not forget it," said Hughie. "Neither 
 did Jimmy Marrable. It was no oversight on his 
 part which left Joan's inheritance and yours 
 locked up in separate compartments, so to speak. 
 He gave you an independent income long ago, 
 Lance, because he was particularly anxious to 
 give you no opportunity of interfering with Joan's 
 affairs when the time came. For some reason 
 he had chosen me for the job, and he preferred 
 that I should have a free hand. Therefore I am 
 not going to allow you to cut into my department. 
 I am sorry to have to put it so brutally, but, 
 really, you have been infernally officious of late. 
 This is the fourth reference which you have made 
 to the subject during the past six weeks. I don't 
 know whether your enterprise is inspired by 
 brotherly love or the desire to make a bit, but 
 whichever it is I don't think you'll get much 
 change out of me. I also object to your latest 
 move bringing in Mr. Haliburton, presumably 
 as an accomplice, or a witness, or whatever you 
 like to call him." 
 
 "Really, Mr. Marrable!" Mr. Haliburton's 
 voice quivered with gentlemanly indignation. 
 
 Hughie rang the bell.
 
 272 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 " Look here, Marrable," burst out Lance furi- 
 ously, "you are getting yourself in a hole, I can 
 tell you ! We I happen to know that Jimmy 
 Marrable left thirty or forty thousand pounds 
 at least for Joey's immediate use; and I am 
 pretty certain he left something for mine too. 
 Now" 
 
 "I'm sorry I can't ask you to stay to lunch," 
 said Hughie, "but I have some friends coming. 
 Show these gentlemen out, John." 
 
 The deputation was ruthlessly shepherded 
 downstairs by the impassive Mr. Goble, and 
 Hughie was left to his own reflections. He filled 
 a pipe meditatively. 
 
 "I wonder," he said, lighting a spill and puffing, 
 "where young Lance got his figures from. I 
 also wonder what the game is. He was obvi- 
 ously a bit worked up, and I should say he had 
 been fortifying himself for the interview before 
 he arrived. I knew, of course, that he had never 
 forgiven me for being put in charge of Joey's 
 affairs: he has always made things as difficult 
 for me as possible. Perhaps he wants a trifle for 
 himself: his closing remarks rather pointed that 
 way. But what on earth is friend Haliburton 
 doing in that galley ? I fancy he has been at the 
 back of things all along. What interest has he in 
 the amount of Joey's fortune? I don't know 
 much about him, but I would n't trust him a yard.
 
 DEPUTATIONS 273 
 
 Perhaps Lance owes him money. Have they 
 gone, John ?" 
 
 "Aye," replied Mr. Goble. "They went quite 
 quietly," he added regretfully. 
 
 He began to lay the table for luncheon. 
 
 "I say, John," began Hughie awkwardly. 
 
 "Aye?" 
 
 "There's a thing I want to speak to you about. 
 I have been losing money lately, and I have to 
 give up some luxuries I can't afford. I I am 
 afraid you are one of them. I have always re- 
 garded a man-servant as an extravagance," he 
 went on with a rush, "and I must ask you to 
 look about for another place. Take your time, 
 of course, and don't leave me till you are suited. 
 I shall be glad to give you a character, and all 
 that. You understand ?" 
 
 There was a silence, while Mr. Goble folded a 
 napkin. Then he replied: "Fine!" Then he 
 added, after a pause, "So you've been lossin' 
 your money? Aye! Aha! Mphm!" 
 
 "Yes. I'm desperately sorry," said Hughie 
 penitently. "I don't want to lose you. Perhaps 
 it will only be tempor " 
 
 "You'll no be daen' that yet a while," re- 
 marked Mr. Goble morosely. "I'm an ill body 
 tae move." 
 
 "But, John, you don't understand. I can't 
 afford to keep you for more than "
 
 274 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "There a cab!" observed Mr. Goble. 
 
 Hughie looked down out of the window. 
 
 " So it is," he said hastily. " I '11 show them up, 
 John. You go on with your work." 
 
 He was across and out of the room in three 
 strides, and could be heard descending the stairs 
 kangaroo fashion. 
 
 Mr. John Goble breathed heavily into a spoon 
 and rubbed it with the point of his elbow. 
 
 "I wunner wha his visitors is," he mused caus- 
 tically. "Of course he always opens the door 
 himsel' tae all his visitors ! Of course I dinna ken 
 wha she is! Oh, no!" 
 
 He wagged his head in a broken-hearted man- 
 ner, and gave vent to a depressing sound which a 
 brother Scot would have recognised as a chuckle 
 of intense amusement. 
 
 To him entered Miss Ursula Harbord. She 
 wore pince-nez and a sage-green costume of some 
 art fabric one of the numerous crimes com- 
 mitted in the name of Liberty. She was Joan 
 Gaymer's latest fad; and under her persuasive 
 tutelage Joan was beginning to learn that the men 
 who all her life had served her slightest whim were 
 at once monsters of duplicity and brainless idiots ; 
 and that, given a few more fervid and ungram- 
 matical articles in "The New Woman," women 
 would shortly come to their own and march in 
 the van of civilisation, and that people like
 
 DEPUTATIONS 275 
 
 Ursula Harbord would march in the van of the 
 women. 
 
 Pending this glorious destiny, Miss Harbord 
 acted as unsettler-in-general of Joan's domestic 
 instincts, and worried Hughie considerably. 
 
 She was followed into the room by Joan ; very 
 much the Joan of last summer, if we make allow- 
 ances for the distressing appearance presented by 
 a young woman of considerable personal attrac- 
 tions who is compelled by Fashion's decree, for 
 this season at any rate, to obscure her features 
 under a hat which looks like an unsuccessful 
 compromise between a waste-paper basket and a 
 dish-cover. 
 
 " Well, John," she inquired in her friendly fash- 
 ion, "have you quite settled down in London ?" 
 
 "Aye, mem." 
 
 "Not missing Scotland?" continued Joan, 
 peeling off her white gloves and sitting down in an 
 arm-chair. 
 
 "Naething to speak of," said John. 
 
 "I thought," continued Miss Gaymer, survey- 
 ing Mr. Coble's Cimmerian features, "that you 
 had perhaps left your heart there." 
 
 " Ma hairt ? What for would I dae a thing like 
 that?" enquired the literal Mr. Coble. "A hairt 
 is no a thing a body can dae wi'oot," he explained. 
 ."It's no like a rib. Ye jist get the ane, so ye 
 canna afford tae get leavin' it ony place."
 
 276 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 Miss Gaymer smilingly abandoned the topic, 
 and in all probability the ghost of Sydney Smith 
 chuckled. 
 
 "When are you going to pay us another visit 
 at Manors ?" was Joan's next question. 
 
 "I'm no sure," said Mr. Goble. "Mr. Mar- 
 rable has jist given me notice." 
 
 "Oh, John!" said Joan, "what have you been 
 doing ? Breaking his china ?" 
 
 " Drinking his wine ?" suggested Miss Harbord, 
 turning from a scornful inspection of Hughie's 
 stock of current literature. 
 
 "I doot I'm no givin' satisfaction," said 
 John. 
 
 "But, John, I am sure you are!" said Joan. 
 "Was that the reason he gave?" 
 
 "He said he was givin' up keepin' a man- 
 servant." 
 
 Miss Harbord, who had been craning her neck 
 to see something in the street, turned round 
 sharply. 
 
 "Why? Has he been losing money?" 
 
 "I couldna say, mem," said Mr. Goble wood- 
 enly. He shared his master's antipathy to Miss 
 Harbord. 
 
 That lady shook her head resignedly. 
 
 "I thought so!" she said. "Joan, dear " 
 
 At this moment Hughie entered, and Miss Har- 
 bord's fire was diverted.
 
 DEPUTATIONS 277 
 
 "Mr. Marrable, have you got rid of that cab- 
 man ?" she enquired with truculence. 
 
 "Rather!" said Hughie. "He went like a 
 lamb." 
 
 " He was intoxicated," remarked Miss Harbord 
 freezingly. 
 
 "I didn't notice it," said Hughie. "He was 
 quite tractable. Apparently you engaged him at 
 Hyde Park Terrace and stopped at two shops on 
 the way." 
 
 "That is correct." 
 
 "And you gave him one and threepence for a 
 drive of over two miles and a stop of about ten 
 minutes." 
 
 " His legal fare. We employed him for exactly 
 half an hour." 
 
 " But did you tell him that you were engaging 
 him by the hour?" 
 
 " Of course not ! They simply crawl if you do. 
 You might have known that, Mr. Marrable." 
 
 "Well, it's all right now," interposed Joan 
 cheerfully. 
 
 "Mr. Marrable," persisted Miss Harbord, "I 
 fear you were weak with him. How much did you 
 give him ?" 
 
 "Nothing out of the way," said Hughie un- 
 easily. "You'll stay to lunch, won't you? I am 
 expecting the Leroys and D'Arcy. We can all go 
 on to a matinee afterwards."
 
 278 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 Miss Harbord assumed the expression of one 
 who is not to be won over by fair words, and 
 endeavoured to catch Miss Gaymer's eye an 
 enterprise which failed signally, as the latter 
 lady rose from her seat and strolled to the 
 window. 
 
 "Mr. Marrable," began Miss Harbord, taking 
 up her parable single-handed, "Joan wishes to 
 have a chat with you about money-matters." 
 
 "No I don't, Hughie," said Miss Gaymer 
 promptly, over her shoulder. 
 
 "Well then, dear," said Miss Harbord calmly, 
 "you ought to. Women leave these things to 
 men far too much as it is. Joan has an old- 
 fashioned notion," she added to Hughie, "that 
 it is not quite nice for girls to know anything 
 about money-matters: hence her reluctance. 
 However, I will conduct her case for her." 
 
 Miss Harbord crossed her legs, threw herself 
 back in her chair in a manner which demon- 
 strated most conclusively her contempt for ap- 
 pearances and feminine ideas of decorum, and 
 began : 
 
 "Tell me, Mr. Marrable, what interest does 
 Joan get on her money ?" 
 
 Hughie gaped feebly. Half an hour ago he 
 had put Mr. Lance Gaymer to the door for an 
 almost precisely similar question. But Lance 
 Gaymer was a man, and Miss Harbord, conceal
 
 DEPUTATIONS 279 
 
 the fact as she might, was a woman ; and Hughie's 
 old helplessness paralysed him once more. 
 
 "The usual rate of interest," he said lamely, 
 " is about four per cent." 
 
 Ursula Harbord nodded her head, as who 
 should say, "I expected that!" and produced a 
 crumpled newspaper from her muff. 
 
 "That," she said almost indulgently, "reveals 
 your ignorance of the world, Mr. Marrable. If 
 you mixed a little more in affairs, and followed 
 some regular occupation, you would have more 
 opportunities of discovering things for yourself, 
 and so be spared the indignity I suppose you 
 consider it an indignity ? of having to be ad- 
 vised by a woman." 
 
 The afflicted Hughie murmured something 
 about it being a pleasure. 
 
 " Now here," continued Miss Harbord, slapping 
 the newspaper as an East-End butcher slaps 
 the last beef-steak at his Saturday night auc- 
 tion, "I have the report of the half-yearly meeting 
 of the International Trading Company, Limited, 
 where a dividend of seven per cent was declared, 
 making a. dividend on the whole year of fourteen 
 per cent. Now do you see what I what Joan 
 wants ?" 
 
 " Hughie," said Joan, who was making a tour 
 of inspection of the room, " where did you get this 
 lovely leopard- skin ? Have I seen it before ?"
 
 280 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "Shot it, Joey. I beg your pardon, Miss Har- 
 bord ?" 
 
 "Do you see what Joan wants you to do?" 
 repeated that financial Amazon. 
 
 "Afraid I don't, quite. I'll get on to it in a 
 minute, though," replied the docile Hughie. 
 
 "Surely, the whole thing is quite clear! You 
 must take Joanls capital out of whatever it is 
 in and buy shares in The International Trading 
 Company with it. And be sure you order pre- 
 ference shares, Mr. Marrable. They are the best 
 sort to get. That is all ; but I ought not to have 
 to point these things out to you." 
 
 Hughie surveyed his preceptress in an un- 
 decided fashion. Was it worth while endeavour- 
 ing to explain to her a few of the first principles 
 of finance, or would it be simpler to grin and 
 bear it ? He decided on the latter alternative. 
 
 "The shares," continued Miss Harbord, hav- 
 ing evidently decided to follow up her whips 
 with a few selected scorpions, "should be bought 
 as cheap as possible. They go up and down, you 
 know, like a " 
 
 "Monkey on a stick ?" suggested Hughie, with 
 the air of one anxious to help. 
 
 Miss Harbord smiled indulgently. 
 
 " No, no ! Like a a barometer, let us say ; 
 and you have to watch your opportunity. There 
 is a thing called ' par' which they go to, any-
 
 DEPUTATIONS 281 
 
 body will tell you what it is, and that is a very 
 good time to buy them." 
 
 Hughie, fighting for breath, rose and joined 
 Joan in the window recess, while Miss Harbord, 
 with much ostentatious crackling, folded up the 
 newspaper and put it away. 
 
 "Hughie," said Joan, under cover of the noise, 
 "you are angry." 
 
 "Not at all," replied Hughie, wiping his eyes 
 furtively. "A bit flummoxed that's all. No 
 idea your friend was so up in these things." 
 
 "She is clever, is n't she ?" said Joan, with un- 
 affected sincerity. "But, Hughie dear, don't 
 bother about it if it worries you. My affairs must 
 be a fearful nuisance to you, but Ursula was so 
 keen that I should come " 
 
 "I'm glad you did, Joey. It was worth it," 
 said Hughie simply. 
 
 "Of course," continued the unlearned Miss 
 Gaymer, " to people like Ursula these things are 
 as easy as falling off a log, but for you and me, 
 who know nothing about business, they're pretty 
 stiff to tackle, are n't they ?" 
 
 " Quite so," agreed Hughie meekly. "But look 
 here, Joey," he continued, "are you really in 
 want of money ?" 
 
 "Of course she is!" said Miss Harbord, over- 
 hearing and resuming the offensive. 
 
 "I could do with a few more frocks, Hughie,"
 
 282 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 said Miss Gaymer wistfully, " if it would n't be 
 a bother to change those investments about a bit, 
 as Ursula advises. Still, if it can't be done, we'll 
 say no more about it." 
 
 "Will another hundred a-year be any use to 
 you?" said Hughie suddenly. 
 
 "Oh, Hughie, I should think so! Can it be 
 managed without a fearful upset?" cried Miss 
 Gaymer, her eyes already brightening over a 
 vista of blouse- lengths and double-widths. 
 
 "Yes," said Hughie shortly. "I'll I'll make 
 the necessary changes and see that the cash is 
 paid into your banking account." 
 
 " You dear !" said Miss Gaymer, with sincerity. 
 
 "A hundred pounds? It might be more!" 
 observed the daughter of the horse-leech on the 
 sofa. Fourteen per cent still rankled in her 
 Napoleonic brain. 
 
 Hughie crossed to the writing-table and tore 
 up a telegraph-form. 
 
 "Capt'n Leroy!" announced Mr. Goble's 
 voice in the doorway. 
 
 That easy-going paladin entered the room, 
 and intimated that his wife had sent him along 
 to say that she would arrive in ten minutes. 
 
 "That means twenty," said Joan. "Ursula, 
 we have just time to run round and see that hat 
 we thought we'd better not decide about until 
 we had heard from Hughie about the thing we
 
 DEPUTATIONS 283 
 
 came to see him about. Now I can try it on with 
 a clear conscience. Back directly, Hughie!" 
 
 She flitted out, the prospective hundred pounds 
 obviously burning a hole in her pocket (or wher- 
 ever woman in the present era of fashion keeps 
 her money), followed by Miss Harbord. 
 
 Hughie turned to Leroy. 
 
 "Take a cigarette, old man," he said, "and sit 
 down with a glass of sherry while I do myself up 
 for lunch. Been down at Putney." 
 
 Leroy obeyed. When Hughie returned from 
 his bedroom a quarter of an hour later, he found 
 that Mrs. Leroy had arrived. She and her hus- 
 band were engaged in a low- toned conversation, 
 which they broke off rather abruptly on their 
 host's entrance. 
 
 Hughie shook hands, and sweeping some news- 
 papers off the sofa, offered his latest-arrived 
 guest a seat. 
 
 "No, thanks, Hughie," said Mrs. Leroy; "I 
 prefer to look out of the window." 
 
 She walked across the room and began to gaze 
 down into the street with her back to Hughie. 
 Her husband, evidently struck with the suitability 
 of this attitude, rose and joined her. 
 
 "The fact is, Hughie," began Mrs. Leroy, star- 
 ing resolutely at the house opposite, " Jack and I 
 want to talk to you like a father and mother, and 
 I can do it more easily if I look the other way."
 
 284 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "Same here," corroborated Leroy gruffly. 
 
 Hughie started, and surveyed the guilty-looking 
 pair of backs before him with an uneasy suspicion. 
 Surely he was not going to be treated to a third 
 variation on the same theme! 
 
 "Go on, Jack!" was Mrs. Leroy 's next re- 
 mark. 
 
 "Can't be done, m'dear," replied the gentle- 
 man, after an obvious effort. 
 
 "Well, Hughie," continued Mrs. Leroy briskly, 
 "as this coward has failed me, I must say it 
 myself. I want to tell you that people are talk- 
 ing." 
 
 "Ursula Harbord, for instance," said Hughie 
 drily. 
 
 "Yes. How did you know ?" 
 
 "She delivered a lecture to me this morning. 
 Gave me to understand that she darkly suspects 
 me of being a knave, and made no attempt to 
 conceal her conviction that I am a fool." 
 
 "Well, of course that's all nonsense," said Mrs. 
 Leroy to a fly on the window-pane ; " but really, 
 Hughie, with all the money that her Uncle 
 Jimmy left her, you ought to be able to give Joey 
 more than you do, should n't you ? The child has 
 to live in quite a small way not really poor, 
 you know, but hardly as an heiress ought to live. 
 You give her surprisingly small interest on her 
 money, Jack says did n't you, Jack ?"
 
 DEPUTATIONS 285 
 
 Captain Leroy made no reply, but the deep 
 shade of carmine on the back of his neck said 
 "Sneak!" as plainly as possible. 
 
 "And you know he would be the last to say 
 anything against you would n't you, Jack ?" 
 
 "Rather!" said Leroy, in a voice of thunder. 
 
 "Hughie," said Mrs. Leroy, turning impul- 
 sively, "won't you confide in me?" 
 
 Hughie kicked a coal in the grate in his usual 
 fashion, and sighed. 
 
 "I can't, really" he said. 
 
 " Fact is, old man," broke in Leroy, in response 
 to his wife's appealing glances, "we did n't want 
 to say anything at all, but the missis thought it 
 best considerin' the way people are talkin', 
 and all that. Can 7 be of any use ? Been specu- 
 latin', or anything?" 
 
 "No, Jack, I haven't," said Hughie shortly. 
 
 Mrs. Leroy gave a helpless look at her husband, 
 and said desperately: 
 
 " But, Hughie, we can't leave things like this ! 
 You simply don't know what stories are going 
 about. It is ruining your chances with Joey, too. 
 She thinks you are a noodle." 
 
 "I know it," said Hughie. 
 
 "Well, look here," said Leroy, "can't you give 
 us some sort of explanation some yarn we 
 could put about the place to account for this 
 state of things "
 
 286 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 " What state of things ?" said Hughie doggedly. 
 He was in an unpleasant temper. 
 
 "Well, Hughie," said Mrs. Leroy, keeping hers, 
 "here is Joan, known to have been left a lot of 
 money for her immediate use, she admits it 
 herself, living quite humbly and cheaply, and 
 obviously not well off. People are asking why. 
 There are two explanations given. One, the more 
 popular, is that you have embezzled or speculated 
 the money all away. The other, which prevails 
 among the elite ' 
 
 "The people who are really in the know, you 
 know," explained Leroy. 
 
 "Yes: they say," continued his wife, "that 
 Joan won't marry you, so you have retaliated 
 by by " 
 
 "By cutting off supplies," suggested Hughie. 
 
 "Yes, until - 
 
 "Until she is starved into submission eh?" 
 
 "That's about the size of it, old son," said 
 Leroy. 
 
 There was a long pause. Finally Hughie 
 said : 
 
 "Well, it's a pretty story; but, honestly, I'm 
 not in a position to contradict it at present." 
 
 Mrs. Leroy desisted from plaiting the window- 
 cord, swung round, walked deliberately to the 
 fireplace, and laid a hand on Hughie's arm. 
 
 "Hughie," she said, in tones which her hus-
 
 DEPUTATIONS 87 
 
 band subsequently affirmed would have drawn 
 ducks off a pond, "what have you done? Tell 
 us!" 
 
 Leroy followed his wife across the room. " Get 
 it off your chest, old man," he said, with the air 
 of a father confessor. 
 
 Hughie smiled gratefully. He took Mrs. Le- 
 roy's two hands into one of his own, and laid the 
 other on Jack Leroy's shoulder. 
 
 "Jack and Milly," he said earnestly, "my two 
 pals ! I would rather tell you than anybody else ; 
 but I simply can't ! It's not my secret! You'll 
 probably find out all about it some day. At pre- 
 sent I must ask you to accept my assurance that 
 I'm not so black as I'm painted." 
 
 "Hughie," said Mrs. Leroy, "you are simply 
 stupid ! We have not come to you out of idle 
 curiosity " 
 
 "I know that," said Hughie heartily. 
 
 "And I think you might give us some sort of 
 an inkling a sort of favourable bulletin that 
 I could pass on to Joey, at any rate " 
 
 "Joey!" said Hughie involuntarily; "Lord 
 forbid!" 
 
 Mrs. Leroy, startled by the vehemence of his 
 tone, paused; and her husband added de- 
 jectedly, 
 
 "All right, old man! Let's drop it! Sorry you 
 could n't see your way to confide in us. Would n't
 
 288 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 have gone any further. Rather sick about the 
 whole business eh ? No wonder ! Money is 
 the devil, anyway." 
 
 Somehow Leroy's words hit Hughie harder 
 than anything that had been said yet. He wa- 
 vered. After all, 
 
 "We've bought the hat, and I'm perfectly 
 ravenous," announced Joan, appearing in the 
 doorway. "And we've brought Mr. D'Arcy. 
 Hughie, are those plover's eggs? Ooh!" 
 
 This was no atmosphere for the breathing of 
 confidential secrets. The party resumed its usual 
 demeanour of off-hand British insouciance, and 
 began to gather round the luncheon-table. Only 
 Mr. D'Arcy's right eyebrow asked a question of 
 Mrs. Leroy, which was answered by a slight but 
 regretful shrug of the shoulders. 
 
 Hughie's apartment was L-shaped, and the 
 feast was spread in the smaller arm, out of the 
 way of draughts and doorways. Consequently 
 any one entering the room would fail to see the 
 luncheon table unless he turned to his left and 
 walked round a corner. 
 
 Hughie was helping the plover's eggs, it is 
 to be feared that Miss Gaymer received a Benja- 
 min's portion of the same, when Mr. Goble 
 suddenly appeared at his elbow and whispered 
 in his ear, - 
 
 "Him again!"
 
 DEPUTATIONS 289 
 
 Muttering an apology, Hughie left the table 
 and walked round the corner to the other arm of 
 the room. Lance Gaymer had just entered. His 
 face was flushed and his eyes glittered, and 
 Hughie' s half -uttered invitation to him to come 
 in and have some lunch died away upon his lips. 
 
 "Hallo, Lance!" he said lamely. 
 
 Mr. Gaymer replied, in the deliberate and por- 
 tentously solemn tones of a man who is three 
 parts drunk, 
 
 "I understand you have got a party on here." 
 
 "Yes," said Hughie, endeavouring to edge his 
 visitor through the doorway. 
 
 "What I want to say," continued Mr. Gaymer 
 in rising tones, " is that I accuse you of embez- 
 zling my sister's property, and I'm going to make 
 things damned hot for you. Yes you ! Go and 
 tell that to your luncheon-party round the cor- 
 ner!" he concluded with a snort. "And ghig 
 glug-glug!" 
 
 By this time he had been judiciously backed 
 into the passage, almost out of ear-shot of those 
 in the room. Simultaneously Mr. Goble's large 
 hand closed upon his mouth from behind, and 
 having thus acquired a good purchase, turned 
 its owner deftly round and conducted him down- 
 stairs. 
 
 Death-like silence reigned at the luncheon- 
 table. Hughie wondered how much they had
 
 290 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 heard. Not that it mattered greatly, for Master 
 Lance's accusations, making allowances for alco- 
 holic directness, partook very largely of the nature 
 of those already levelled at Hughie by more con- 
 ventional deputations, rui 
 
 Before returning to his seat, Hughie crossed 
 to the window and looked down into the street. 
 
 Mr. Lance Gaymer was being assisted into a 
 waiting hansom by the kindly hands of Mr. Guy 
 Haliburton. 
 
 Hughie, having seen all he expected to see, 
 returned with faltering steps to his duties as a 
 host. 
 
 It was a delicate moment, calling for the exer- 
 cise of much tact. Even Mildred Leroy hesitated. 
 Joan had flushed red, whether with shame, or 
 anger, or sympathy, it was hard to say. Mr. 
 D'Arcy regarded her curiously. 
 
 But heavy-footed husbands sometimes rush in, 
 with success, where the most wary and diplomatic 
 wives fear to tread. Jack Leroy cleared his 
 throat. 
 
 "Now, Hughie, my son," he observed, "when 
 you've quite done interviewin' all your pals on the 
 door-mat, perhaps you'll give your guests a 
 chance. With so many old friends collected round 
 your table like this, we want to drink your health, 
 young-fellow-my-lad ! Fill up your glass, Miss 
 Harbord! No heel-taps, Milly!"
 
 DEPUTATIONS 291 
 
 There was an irrelevant bonhomie about this 
 whole speech which struck exactly the right note. 
 Mrs. Leroy glanced gratefully at her husband, 
 and lifted her glass. The others did the same. 
 But it was Joan who spoke first. 
 
 "Hughie!" she cried, with glowing eyes. 
 
 "Hughie!" cried every one. "Good health!" 
 
 In the times of our prosperity our friends are 
 always critical, frequently unjust, generally a 
 nuisance, and sometimes utterly detestable. But 
 there is no blinking the fact that they are a very 
 present help in trouble. 
 
 Hughie suddenly felt himself unable to speak. 
 He bowed his head dumbly, and made a furious 
 onslaught upon a plover's egg.
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 IN WHICH CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG, AND 
 JOAN MISSES HER CUE 
 
 HUGHIE spent the next few months chiefly in 
 wondering. 
 
 He wondered what Mr. Haliburton's game 
 might be. What was he doing behind Lance 
 Gaymer ? That the latter might consider himself 
 justified in poking his nose into his only sister's 
 affairs was understandable enough but why 
 drag in Haliburton ? Was that picturesque ruf- 
 fian a genuine friend of Lance's, enlisted in a 
 brotherly endeavour to readjust Jimmy Mar- 
 rable's exceedingly unsymmetrical disposition 
 of his property, or was he merely a member of 
 that far-reaching and conspicuously able fra- 
 ternity (known in sporting circles as "The 
 Nuts"), to whom all mankind is fair game, and 
 whose one article of faith is a trite proverb on the 
 subject of a fool and his money, pursuing his 
 ordinary avocation of "making a bit" ? In other 
 words, was Lance Gaymer pulling Haliburton, 
 or was Haliburton pushing Lance Gaymer ? 
 
 Hughie also wondered about a good many other 
 things, notably 
 
 (a) Joan.
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 293 
 
 (b) More Joan; coupled with dim specula- 
 tions as to how it was all going to end. 
 
 (c) More Joan still; together with a growing 
 desire to go off again to the ends of the earth and 
 lose himself. 
 
 But for the present life followed an uneventful 
 course. Since Lance's display of fireworks at 
 Hughie's luncheon-party, Hughie's friends had 
 studiously avoided the mention of the word money 
 in their late host's presence; and Master Lance 
 himself, evidently realizing that, however excel- 
 lent his intentions or pure his motives, he had 
 made an unmitigated ass of himself, avoided 
 Hughie's society entirely. 
 
 Of Joan Hughie saw little until the beginning 
 of October, when he arrived at Manors to shoot 
 pheasants. 
 
 He was greeted, almost with tears of affection, 
 by John Alexander Goble, who had been re- 
 tained by Jack Leroy as butler when Hughie re- 
 linquished his services; and found the house 
 packed with young men and maidens, the bil- 
 liard-room strewn with many-hued garments, 
 and the atmosphere charged with the electricity 
 of some great enterprise in the making. 
 
 "Theatricals!" explained Mrs. Leroy re- 
 signedly, as she handed him his tea. "Tab- 
 leaux, rather. At least, it is a sort of variety en- 
 tertainment," she concluded desperately, "in the
 
 294 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 Parish Hall. In aid of some charity or other, but 
 that does n't matter." 
 
 "Joey's latest, I suppose? " 
 
 " Yes : the child is wild about it. What, sweet 
 one ? " (This to the infant Hildegard, in an atti- 
 tude of supplication at her side.) " Cake ? cer- 
 tainly not ! You are going out to tea at the Rec- 
 tory in half an hour. Do you remember what 
 happened the last time you had two teas ? " 
 
 Stodger reflected, and remembered; but 
 pleaded, in extenuation, 
 
 "But I did it all at the Rectory, mummy." 
 
 "She was sick," explained her sister, turning 
 politely to Hughie. 
 
 "Twice!" corroborated Stodger, not without 
 pride. 
 
 "Yes; in a decent basin provided by the par- 
 ish," continued Duckies hazily. She had recently 
 begun to attend church, and her reading during 
 the sermon had opened to her a new and fertile 
 field for quotation. 
 
 "Tell me more about the tableaux, Jack," said 
 Hughie hastily, as Mrs. Leroy accelerated her 
 ritualistic progeny's departure upstairs. 
 
 "They 're spendin' lashings of money on them. 
 Won't make a farthing profit, I don't suppose; 
 but the show should be all right. They 're get- 
 ting a 'pro.' down to stage-manage 'em." 
 
 "My word, they are going it! Hallo, Joey!"
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 295 
 
 Miss Gaymer's entrance brought theatrical 
 conversation up to fever heat ; and for the rest of 
 the meal, and indeed for the next few days, 
 Hughie lived and breathed in a world composed 
 of rickety scenery, refractory pulleys, and hot 
 size, inhabited by people who were always talk- 
 ing, usually cross, and most intermittent in their 
 feeding-times. 
 
 One afternoon Joan took him down to the Hall, 
 ostensibly as a companion, in reality to shift some 
 large flats of scenery, too wide for feminine arms 
 to span. 
 
 Captain Leroy had already offered himself in 
 that capacity, but his services had been brutally 
 declined, on the ground that the scenery was not 
 concave. 
 
 "The programmes are being printed to-day. 
 We are going to have the tableaux in the first 
 half," Joan rattled on, as they walked through 
 the plantations. "Well-known pictures, you 
 know. Some of them are perfectly lovely. I am 
 in three," she added, rather naively. 
 
 Hughie asked for details. 
 
 "Well, the first one is to be The Mirror of 
 Venus a lot of girls looking into a pool." 
 
 "Are you in that ? " 
 
 "Not much! That is for all the riff-raff who 
 have crowded in without being invited the 
 Mellishes, and the Crumfords, and the Joblings.
 
 296 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 (You know the lot !) There 's another tableau 
 for their men : such horrors, my dear ! But that 
 disposes of them for Part One: they don't have 
 to appear again until the waxworks. Then there 's 
 a perfectly sweet one The Gambler's Wife." 
 
 "Who is she to be?" 
 
 "Sylvia Tarrant. She sits under a tree in an 
 old garden, looking sad," gabbled Joan without 
 pausing, " while her husband gambles with some 
 other men on the lawn behind. You'll cry! I 
 come after that Two Strings to her Bow. A 
 girl walking arm-in-arm with two men. She looks 
 quite pleased with herself : the men have both got 
 camelious hump." 
 
 "Who are they?" 
 
 " It 's not quite settled yet. I told them they 
 could fight it out among themselves. I expect it 
 will be Binks and Cherub, though. But they 
 must decide soon, because time is getting on, and 
 Mr. Haliburton says " 
 
 "Who?" 
 
 "Mr. Haliburton." 
 
 "Haliburton?" said Hughie, stopping short. 
 
 "Yes. Didn't you know? He is stage-man- 
 aging us. He came down this morning." 
 
 "Is he staying in the house?" was Hughie's 
 next question. 
 
 "No: we could n't get him in. He 's putting 
 up at The Bull, in the village," said Joan. " I wish
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 297 
 
 we could have found room for him," she added, 
 with intention. She knew that most men neither 
 loved Mr. Haliburton nor approved of their girl 
 friends becoming intimate with him; and this 
 alone was quite sufficient to predispose her in 
 that misjudged hero's favour. 
 
 In her heart of hearts Miss Gaymer was just a 
 little eprise with Mr. Haliburton, and, as be- 
 comes one who is above such things, just a lit- 
 tle ashamed of the fact. She had found some- 
 thing rather compelling in his dark eyes and silky 
 ways, but, being anything but a susceptible young 
 person, rather resented her own weakness. Still, 
 the fact remained. She had seen a good deal of 
 Mr. Haliburton in London how, she could 
 hardly explain, though possibly Mr. Haliburton 
 could have done so and had listened, not al- 
 together unmoved, to tales of a patrimony re- 
 nounced for Art's sake, of an ancestral home 
 barred by a hot-headed but lovable "old pater" ; 
 and to various reflections, half-humorous, half- 
 pathetic, on the subject of what might have been 
 if this world were only a juster place. 
 
 Joan, who did not know that Mr. Haliburton's 
 ancestral home had been situated over a tobac- 
 conist's shop somewhere between the back of 
 Oxford Street and Soho Square, and that his " old 
 pater" had but lately retired from the post of 
 head waiter at a theatrical restaurant in Maiden
 
 298 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 Lane, in order to devote his undivided attention 
 to the more perfect colouring of an already carne- 
 lian proboscis, felt distinctly sorry for her ro- 
 mantic friend. When a young girl begins to feel 
 sorry for a man, the position is full of possibili- 
 ties; and when heavy-handed and purblind au- 
 thority steps in and forbids the banns, so to speak, 
 the possibilities become probabilities, and, in 
 extreme cases, certainties. 
 
 Joan glanced obliquely at Hughie. That im- 
 passive young man was advancing with measured 
 strides, frowning ferociously. She continued, not 
 altogether displeased : 
 
 "The next tableau is Flora Macdonald's Fare- 
 well very Scotch. A man in a kilt stands in 
 the centre " 
 
 She babbled on, but Hughie's attention wan- 
 dered. 
 
 Haliburton again! He did not like the idea. 
 Consequently it was not altogether surprising if, 
 when Joan paused to enquire whether he re- 
 garded Queen Elizabeth or a suffragette as the 
 most suitable vehicle for one of Mrs. Jarley's 
 most cherished "wheezes," Hughie should have 
 replied : 
 
 " Joan, how did that chap come here ? Was he 
 engaged by you, or did he offer himself ?" 
 
 "He offered himself very kindly!" said 
 Joan stiffly.
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 299 
 
 "I suppose he is being paid?" 
 
 " Yes, of course a guinea or two. It 's his 
 profession," said Joan impatiently. "Do you 
 object?" 
 
 The occasion called for considerable tact, and 
 poor heavy-handed Hughie sighed in anticipa- 
 tion. Joan heard him. 
 
 "What is the trouble?" she asked, more 
 amused than angry. " Out with it, old Conscien- 
 tiousness?" 
 
 "Joey," said Hughie, "I don't like the idea of 
 your taking up with that chap." 
 
 On the whole, it could not have been put 
 worse. 
 
 " It seems to me," said Miss Gaymer scornfully, 
 "that it 's not women who are spiteful, but men. 
 I wonder why every male I know is so down on 
 poor Mr. Haliburton. Silly children like Binks 
 and Cherub I can understand, but you, Hughie 
 you ought to be above that sort of thing. 
 What 's the matter with the man, that you all 
 abuse him so? Tell me!" 
 
 Hughie's reply to this tirade was lame and 
 unconvincing. The modern maiden is so amaz- 
 ingly worldly-wise on various matters on the sub- 
 ject of which she can have had no other infor- 
 mant than her own intuitions, that she is apt to 
 scout the suggestion that there are certain phases 
 of life of which happily she as yet knows nothing ;
 
 300 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 and any attempt to hint the same to her is scorn- 
 fully greeted as a piece of masculine superiority. 
 Consequently Joey thought she knew all about 
 Mr. Haliburton; wherein she was manifestly 
 wrong, but not altogether to be blamed ; for when 
 your knowledge of human nature, so far as it 
 goes, is well-nigh perfect, it is difficult for you to 
 believe that it does not go all the way. 
 
 It was a most unsatisfactory conversation. All 
 Hughie did was to reiterate his opinion of Mr. 
 Haliburton without being able (or willing) to 
 furnish any fresh facts in support of it; and the 
 only apparent result was to prejudice Joan rather 
 more violently in Haliburton's favour than be- 
 fore, and to make Hughie feel like a backbiter 
 and a busybody. It was a relief when Joan 
 abruptly changed the conversation, and said : 
 
 "Hughie, have you seen anything of Lance 
 lately?" 
 
 No, Hughie had not. "Why?" 
 
 "I 'm bothered about him," said Joan, de- 
 scending from her high horse and slipping into 
 what may be called her confidential mood. " He 
 used to write to me pretty regularly, even after he 
 married that freak, and we were always fond of 
 one another, even though we quarrelled some- 
 times. But he seems to have dropped out of 
 things altogether lately. Do you know what he 
 is doing?"
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 301 
 
 "Can't say, I 'm sure," said Hughie. 
 
 "Could you find out for me?" 
 
 "Of course I will," said Hughie, quite forget- 
 ting the present awkwardness of his relations 
 with Lance in the light of the joyous fact that 
 Lance's sister had just asked him to do her a ser- 
 vice. "I'll go and look him up. He may be ill, 
 or short of cash. But can't you get news of him 
 from from " 
 
 He stopped suddenly. He had been about to 
 ask a question which had just struck him as 
 rather ungenerous. 
 
 "You mean from Mr. Haliburton ?" said Joan, 
 with her usual directness. "I did ask him, but 
 he says he has seen nothing of Lance for quite a 
 long time ; so I 'm afraid I must bother you, 
 Hughie. I don't like to, because I know you 
 won't want to go out of your way on his account, 
 after - 
 
 "Never mind that!" said Hughie hastily. 
 "I '11 go and look him up." 
 
 Joan turned to him gratefully. 
 
 "You 're a good sort, Hughie," she said. "I 
 don't know what I should do without you." 
 
 Hughie glowed foolishly. Her words did not 
 mean anything, of course; still, they warmed 
 him for the time being. He never thought of 
 making capital out of Joan's impulsive outbursts 
 of affection. He regarded them as a sort of con-
 
 302 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 solation prize nothing more. He had never 
 attempted to make love to her since his first re- 
 buff. The memory of that undignified squabble 
 still made him tingle, and in any case it would 
 never have occurred to him to renew the attack. 
 Man-like, he had taken for granted the rather 
 large proposition that a woman invariably means 
 what she says. To pester Joan with further at- 
 tentions, especially in his exceptional position, 
 savoured to him of meanness. 
 
 For all that, the girl and he seemed of late to 
 have adjusted their relations with one another. 
 Joan never played with him now, encouraging 
 him one moment and flouting him the next, as in 
 the case of most of her faithful band. Her attitude 
 was that of a good comrade. She was content to 
 sit silent in his company, which is a sound test of 
 friendship ; she brought to him her little troubles, 
 and occasionally ministered to his ; and in every 
 way she showed him that she liked and trusted 
 him. A vainer or cleverer man would have taken 
 heart of grace at these signs. Hughie did not. 
 He was Joan's guardian, and as such entitled to 
 her confidence ; also her very good friend, and as 
 such entitled to her affection. That was all. It 
 was rotten luck, of course, that she was not suffi- 
 ciently fond of him to marry him, but then rotten 
 luck is a thing one must be prepared for in this 
 world. He would get accustomed to the situa-
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 303 
 
 tion in time: meanwhile there must be no more 
 castles in the air. 
 
 "I'll tell you what," he continued presently. 
 " I shall be in town on Wednesday. I '11 go and 
 look Lance up then." 
 
 " But, Hughie," cried Joan in dismay, " Wednes- 
 day is the day of the entertainment. You must 
 come to that. What is your engagement, if it 's 
 not indiscreet to inquire?" 
 
 "Dentist," said Hughie lugubriously. 
 
 "Dentist?" Joan laughed, or rather crowed, 
 in her characteristically childlike way. " Hughie 
 at the dentist's! It seems so funny," she ex- 
 plained apologetically. 
 
 "It will be the reverse of funny," said Hughie 
 severely, "when he gets hold of me. Do you 
 know how long it is since I sat in a dentist's 
 chair? Eight years, no less!" 
 
 "You'll catch it!" said Miss Gaymer confi- 
 dently. "But you simply must not go on that day. 
 I want you at the show. Can't you change the 
 date?" 
 
 "The assassin gave me to understand," said 
 Hughie, " that it was a most extraordinary piece 
 of luck for me that he should be able to take me 
 at all; and he rather suggested that if I broke 
 the appointment I need not expect another on 
 this side of the grave. Besides, next Wednesday 
 is about our one off-day from shooting. I also "
 
 304 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 Miss Gaymer fixed a cold and accusing eye 
 on him. 
 
 " Confess, miserable shuffler ! " she said. " You 
 arranged that date with the dentist on purpose, 
 so as to escape the theatricals." 
 
 "Guilty, my lord!" replied the criminal re- 
 signedly. 
 
 "Well, you are let off with a caution," said 
 Joan graciously, " but you '11 have to come, all 
 the same. You will, won't you, Hughie?" 
 
 " Will my presence make so much difference ?" 
 said Hughie, rather boldly for him. He was in- 
 viting a heavy snub, and he knew it. 
 
 Joan raised her eyes to his for a moment. 
 
 " Yes," she said, rather unexpectedly, " it will." 
 
 "Then I '11 come," said Hughie, with vigour. 
 "I go to the dentist at ten. I '11 get that over, 
 ask Lance to lunch, and come down by the after- 
 noon train. What time does the show begin ?" 
 
 "Eight." 
 
 "The train gets in at seven-fifty. I'll come 
 straight to the Parish Hall " 
 
 "You '11 get no dinner," said Joan in warning 
 tones. 
 
 "Never mind!" said Hughie heroically. 
 "There's to be a supper afterwards, is n't there ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " I '11 last out, then. By the way, does it matter 
 if I 'm not in evening kit ?"
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 305 
 
 "Not a bit, if you don't mind yourself. Of 
 course the front rows will be full of people with 
 their glad rags on," said Joan. "But if you feel 
 shy, come round behind the scenes. Then you '11 
 be able to keep an eye on me and Mr. Hali- 
 burton!" she added, with a provocative little 
 glance. 
 
 Hughie duly departed to town, promising faith- 
 fully to come back for the theatricals, and won- 
 dering vaguely why Joan had insisted so strongly 
 on his doing so. Joan felt rather inclined to 
 wonder herself. She was a little perplexed by her 
 own impulses at present. But her mind was oc- 
 cupied by some dim instinct of self-preservation, 
 and she felt somehow distinctly happier when 
 Hughie promised to come. 
 
 However, there was little time for introspec- 
 tion. Rehearsals " with the accent on the 
 hearse," as Mr. Binks remarked during one pro- 
 tracted specimen were dragging their slow 
 length along to a conclusion ; tickets were selling 
 like hot cakes ; and presently the great day came. 
 
 Amateur theatricals are a weariness to the 
 flesh, but viewed in the right spirit they are by 
 no means destitute of entertainment. The 
 drama's laws, as interpreted by the amateur, 
 differ materially from those observed by the pro- 
 fessional branch the members of which, it
 
 306 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 must be remembered, have to please to live 
 in several important particulars; and with these 
 the intending playgoer should at once make 
 himself conversant. 
 Here is a precis: 
 
 (1) Remember that the performance has been 
 got up entirely for the benefit of the performers, 
 and that you and the rest of the audience have 
 merely been brought in to make the thing worth 
 while. 
 
 (2) Abandon all hope of punctuality at the 
 start or reasonability in the length of the inter- 
 vals. Amateur scene-shifters and musicians do 
 not relish having their "turns" curtailed any 
 more than the more conspicuous members of the 
 cast. 
 
 (3) Bear in mind the fact that the play is not 
 the thing, but the players. The most thrilling 
 Third Act is as dross compared with the excite- 
 ment and suspense of watching to see whether 
 Johnny Blank will really kiss Connie Dash in the 
 proposal scene, or whether the fact (known to at 
 least two- thirds of the audience) that they have 
 not been on speaking terms for the past six 
 months will result in the usual amateur ne plus 
 ultra a sort of frustrated peck, falling short by 
 about six inches. Again, the joy of hearing the 
 hero falter in a stirring apostrophe to the gallery 
 is enhanced by the knowledge that he is reading
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 307 
 
 it from inside the crown of his hat, and has lost 
 the place : while the realistic and convincing air 
 of deference with which the butler addresses the 
 duchess is the more readily recognized and appre- 
 ciated by an audience who are well aware that he 
 happens in private life to be that lady's husband. 
 
 The entertainment to which we must now 
 draw the reader's unwilling attention was to con- 
 sist of three parts. First, the Tableaux Vivants 
 thirty seconds of tableaux to about ten min- 
 utes of outer darkness and orchestral selection; 
 then a comedietta; and finally, Mrs. Jarley's 
 Waxworks. 
 
 The largest room behind the scenes had been 
 reserved for the lady artistes; a draughty passage, 
 furnished chiefly with flaring candles and soda- 
 water syphons, being apportioned to the gentle- 
 men. The loge des dames was a bare and cheer- 
 less apartment, but tables and mirrors had been 
 placed round the walls ; and here some fifteen or 
 twenty maidens manoeuvred with freezing polite- 
 ness or unrestrained elbowings (according to 
 their shade of social standing) for positions 
 favourable to self-contemplation. 
 
 Joan and Sylvia Tarrant foregathered in the 
 middle of the floor. 
 
 "I think we'd better dress here, dear," said 
 Joan cheerfully, "and leave the nobility and gen- 
 try to fight for the dressing-tables. After all,"
 
 308 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 she added complacently, "you and I need the 
 least doing up of any of them." 
 
 The tableaux on the whole were a success, 
 though it was some time before the audience were 
 permitted to inspect them. The musical director, 
 a nervous individual with a penchant for applied 
 science, had spent the greatest part of two days in 
 fixing up an electric bell of heroic proportions 
 controlled from the conductor's desk, and ring- 
 ing into the ear of the gentleman in charge of the 
 lighting arrangements. A carefully type-written 
 document (another by-product of the musician's 
 versatility) apprised this overwrought official that 
 one ring signified "stage-lights up," and two 
 rings " stage- lights down." 
 
 Just before the curtain rose for the first tableau 
 the conductor pressed his button once. After an 
 interval of about two seconds, since the stage- 
 lights showed no inclination to go up, as a 
 matter of fact the controller of illuminants was 
 tenderly nursing a hopelessly perforated ear- 
 drum, the agitated musician, convinced that 
 the bell had not rung, rang it again. Conse- 
 quently, just as the curtain rose, every single 
 lamp on the stage, from the footlights to the over- 
 head battens, was hastily extinguished. Con- 
 fusion reigned supreme. The conductor pressed 
 his button frantically and continuously ; the elec- 
 trician lost his head completely, and began to
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 309 
 
 turn off switches which controlled the lights in 
 the dressing-rooms and the hall itself; while the 
 faithful orchestra, suddenly bereft of both light 
 and leadership, endeavoured with heroic but 
 misguided enthusiasm to keep the flag flying by 
 strident improvisations of the most varied and 
 individual character. 
 
 The audience, who had come prepared for 
 anything, sat unmoved ; but dolorous cries were 
 heard from the dressing-rooms and vestibule. 
 Above all rose the voice of the conductor, calling 
 aloud for the blood of the electrician and refusing 
 to be comforted. The first tableau vivant partook 
 of the nature of an " extra turn," and was not fore- 
 shadowed in the programme. It took place in the 
 middle of the stage, and depicted two overheated 
 gentlemen (one carrying a baton and the other 
 en deshabille) explaining (fortissimo} the pur- 
 port of a type-written document to a third (who 
 caressed his right ear all the time) by the light of 
 a single wax vesta. 
 
 After this gratuitous contribution to the gaiety 
 of the proceedings the official programme came 
 into force, and various attractive and romantic 
 visions were unfolded to the audience. Certainly 
 the tableaux were well mounted. The success of 
 A Gambler's Wife and Two Strings to her Bow 
 was beyond question. Haliburton, too, made a 
 striking appearance in Orchardson's Hard Hit
 
 310 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 the famous gambling picture with the countless 
 packs of cards strewn upon the floor wherein 
 the broken gamester turns with his hand on the 
 door-handle to take a last look at the three men 
 who have mastered him. 
 
 There were minor blemishes, of course. The 
 composure of the beauteous band who were dis- 
 covered when the conductor had been hounded 
 back to his stool and the bemused electrician re- 
 placed by a man of more enduring fibre con- 
 templating their own charms in The Mirror of 
 Venus was utterly wrecked yea, transformed 
 into helpless giggles by a totally unexpected 
 ejaculation of "Good old Gertie!" proceeding 
 from a young man in the front row evidently 
 a brother chiefly remarkable for a made-up 
 tie and a red silk handkerchief, and directed ap- 
 parently (if one may judge by consequences) at a 
 massively- built young woman kneeling third from 
 the end on the prompt side. During another tab- 
 leau, as Prince Charles stood rigid in the embrace 
 of Flora Macdonald, the audience sat spellbound 
 for thirty breathless seconds, what time the un- 
 happy prince's tartan stockings slipped inch by 
 inch from the neighbourhood of his knees, past 
 the boundary line where artificial brown left off 
 and natural white began, right down to his ankles 
 a contretemps which, as Mr. D'Arcy remarked 
 to Mrs. Leroy, added a touch of animation to
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 311 
 
 what would otherwise have been a somewhat 
 lifeless representation. 
 
 The comedietta was not an unqualified success. 
 It was one of those characteristic products of what 
 may be called the Back-Drawing-Room School, 
 in which complications begin shortly after the 
 rise of the curtain with the delivery and perusal 
 of a certain letter, and are automatically ad- 
 justed at the end of about thirty-five minutes by 
 the introduction of another, which explains every- 
 thing, settles differences, precipitates engage- 
 ments, and brings the curtain down upon all the 
 characters standing in a row in carefully assorted 
 couples. 
 
 This somewhat trite and conventional plot was 
 agreeably varied by the vagaries of the talented 
 gentleman who played the footman responsible 
 for the delivery of the letters. He brought on the 
 second letter first, with the result that the heroine 
 found herself exclaiming: "How foolish I have 
 been ! Gerald had been true to me through all ! 
 I must go to him at once! We can be married 
 to-morrow!" after the drama had been in pro- 
 gress some three minutes, a catastrophe only 
 tided over by some perfectly Napoleonic "gag- 
 ging" by the comic man and an entirely unre- 
 hearsed entrance (with obvious assistance from 
 the rear) of the footman, with the right letter. 
 
 Fortunately these divergences from the drama's
 
 312 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 normal course were lost upon the majority of the 
 audience ; for the actors, whether from nervous- 
 ness or frank boredom, were inaudible beyond 
 the first three rows of seats. Even here the feat 
 of following the drift of the dialogue was ren- 
 dered almost impossible by the persistent and 
 frantic applause of two obvious "deadheads" 
 in the front row, poor relations of the gentle- 
 man who played the footman, who, since they 
 occupied free seats, evidently considered it their 
 bounden duty to applaud every entrance and exit 
 of their munificent relative, even when he came 
 on with the wrong letter or was elbowed off to 
 fetch the right one. The only member of the 
 company who performed his duties with any- 
 thing like thoroughness was the prompter, a re- 
 tired major with lungs of brass. He had evidently 
 decided, with the true instinct of a strong man, 
 that if you want a thing well done you must do 
 it yourself. Consequently his voice re-echoed 
 through the hall in an unceasing monologue which, 
 while it lacked the variety inseparable from the 
 deliverances of a whole company, did much to keep 
 the occupants of the back benches au fait with 
 the intricacies of the plot. The best laugh of the 
 evening, however, was aroused by the temerity 
 of one of the actors, who suddenly interrupted 
 the prompter to remark mildly but distinctly: 
 "All right, old man, I know this bit!'*
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 313 
 
 Then came Mrs. Jarley's Waxworks. The 
 curtain rose upon the usual group of historical 
 and topical characters, seated round the stage in a 
 semicircle, most of them twitching with incipient 
 hysteria, and all resolutely avoiding the eye of the 
 audience. Presently Mrs. Jarley (B inks), accom- 
 panied by Master Jarley (Cherub, in a sailor suit 
 and white socks), made her appearance, and 
 plunged into a slightly laboured monologue, 
 what time her offspring walked round the stage, 
 and, by dint of dusting, oiling, and other opera- 
 tions, stimulated any of the figures which could 
 possibly have been mistaken for waxworks into 
 a fitting display of life and activity. 
 
 One "Mrs. Jarley" is very like another, and 
 the audience, who were beginning to suffer from 
 a slight attack of theatrical indigestion, were 
 a little slow in responding to Binks's hoary 
 "wheezes" and unfathomable topical allusions. 
 It was not until a bench at the back of the stage, 
 occupied by Oliver Cromwell, General Booth, 
 Dorando, and a Suffragette, suddenly toppled 
 over backwards, and discharged its tenants, with 
 four alarming thuds, into the chasm which 
 yawned between the back of the staging and the 
 wall, that the entertainment could be said to have 
 received a proper fillip. After the first sensation 
 of surprise and resentment at finding themselves 
 reposing upon the backs of their necks in the
 
 314 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 dust, the four gentlemen affected (who, it is to 
 be feared, had been priming themselves for this, 
 their first appearance on any stage, in the cus- 
 tomary manner) accepted the situation with heroic 
 resignation. Remembering that they were wax- 
 works, and for that if for no other reason incap- 
 able of getting up, they continued in their present 
 posture, invisible to the naked eye except for 
 their legs, which stuck straight up into the air. 
 The flagging audience, imagining that the entire 
 disaster was part of the performance, applauded 
 uproariously, and Mrs. Jarley seized the oppor- 
 tunity to deliver a pithy extempore lecture upon 
 character as read from the soles of the feet. 
 
 The performance concluded with a song and 
 chorus, specially composed for the occasion, and 
 sung by Mrs. Jarley and her exhibits in spas- 
 modic antistrophe. Mrs. Jarley began, 
 
 "Some ladies have one figure one, home grown! 
 
 But I have quite a lot, like Madam Tussaud. 
 And whatever sort of one you'd like to own, 
 Just order me to make it, and I'll do so. 
 I can make you waxen figures that can walk, 
 
 Or wave their arms, or turn and look behind 'em " 
 
 Here, in attempting to suit the action to the word, 
 the singer tripped heavily over her own train, and 
 was only saved from complete bouleversement by 
 the miraculously animated and suddenly out- 
 stretched arm of Henry the Eighth, who was sit-
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 315 
 
 sing close behind. Binks continued, quite un- 
 disturbed, 
 
 "And some of them (the female ones!) can talk, 
 And it's wonderful how useful people find them. 
 
 " So send for Mrs. Jarley on the spot! 
 And she'll reproduce each feature that you've got. 
 
 It will save a deal of trouble 
 
 If you have a waxen double, 
 Which will do your work when you would rather not! " 
 
 "Now then, waxworks! All together! Give 
 them a lead, Sousa!" 
 
 Mr. Sousa (second from the end, o. p. side) 
 obediently began to agitate his baton, partially 
 scalping Sunny Jim in the process, and the wax- 
 works sang out, fortissimo, with a distinct but 
 unevenly distributed accelerando toward the 
 end, - 
 
 "Then send for Mrs. Jarley on the spot! 
 
 And she'll reproduce each feature that you've got. 
 All your business she will see to, 
 Black your boots, and make your tea, too, 
 
 If you'll only put a penny in the slot!" 
 
 The tune was good, and the chorus went with a 
 swing. But now a difficulty arose. The second 
 verse should have been sung by one of the late 
 occupants of the back bench Dorando, to be 
 precise; and Mrs. Jarley, realizing the circum- 
 stance, was on the point of beginning it herself,
 
 316 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 when a muffled voice, proceeding apparently from 
 the infernal regions, struck into the opening lines. 
 Dorando, faint yet pursuing, was evidently deter- 
 mined to fulfil his contract, even if he had to do 
 it on his head. For various reasons (chiefly dust 
 and incipient apoplexy), his articulation was not 
 all that could be desired, and the verse, which told 
 of the ingenious device of one Tommy Sparkes, 
 who, faced by the prospect of corporal punish- 
 ment, 
 
 "Sent for Mrs. Jarley on the spot, 
 And explained that he was going to get it hot" 
 
 whereupon that resourceful lady 
 
 "Made a figure, small and ruddy, 
 
 To be Tommy's understudy; 
 And the figure got what Tommy should have got!" 
 
 was lost upon the audience. But every one 
 took up the chorus with a will, and the third 
 verse entered upon its career under the happiest 
 auspices. 
 
 On this occasion the lines were distributed 
 among the figures themselves. 
 
 " Now Mrs. Bumble-Doodle gave a ball " 
 
 began Queen Elizabeth; 
 
 "But twenty-seven men all wired to say" 
 
 continued Peter Pan ;
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 317 
 
 "That they very much regretted, after all" 
 
 carolled Sunny Jim; 
 
 "To find they simply could n't get away!" 
 bellowed a voice (Oliver Cromwell's) from under 
 the platform. 
 
 "Said Mrs. Bumble-Doodle, in despair" 
 
 resumed Master Jarley, after a yell of laughter 
 had subsided; 
 
 "The ball will be a failure not a doubt of it!" 
 announced a Pierrette, with finality. 
 
 "The girls won't find a single partner there" 
 
 wailed a waxwork in a kilt (possibly Rob Roy or 
 Harry Lauder) 
 
 There was a break. The piano paused expect- 
 antly, and all the waxworks turned their heads 
 (most unprofessionally) to see what had happened 
 to Cherry Ripe, whose turn it was to sing the next 
 verse. Apparently that lady had permitted her 
 attention to wander, for she was scrutinising the 
 audience, to the neglect of her cue. The sudden 
 silence or possibly the attentions of Master 
 Jarley, who bustled up and assiduously oiled her 
 mouth and ears seemed to recall her errant 
 wits. 
 
 "Sorry!" she remarked calmly, and sang in a 
 clear voice, 
 
 "Oh, what a mess! How are we to get out of it?"
 
 318 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "She sent for Mrs. Jarley on the spot!" 
 
 declaimed that lady triumphantly, 
 
 "And the girls were quite content with what they got. 
 True, a dummy cannot flirt; 
 But he does not tear your skirt, 
 Or say that he can dance when he can not!" 
 
 "Now, then, all together!" 
 
 Mrs. Jarley, waxworks, and audience swung 
 into the final chorus. Even the four inverted 
 Casabiancas at the back assisted by swinging 
 their legs. 
 
 "She sent for Mrs. Jarley on the spot! 
 And the girls were quite content with what they got. 
 They were spared that youth entrancing, 
 Who says: 'I don't much care for dancing, 
 But I don't mind sitting out with you eh, what ? ' " 
 
 But Cherry Ripe was not singing. She was say- 
 ing to herself, 
 
 " Not in the hall, and not behind the scenes ! I 
 wonder where he can have got to ! He may have 
 missed his train, of course; but then he could 
 have wired, hours ago. Well, Hughie, mon ami, 
 if that's the way you treat invitations 
 
 But the curtain had fallen, and all the wax- 
 works were scuffling off their high chairs and 
 trooping to the dressing-rooms. Cherry Ripe, 
 following their example, put an arm round Pier- 
 rette, and said :
 
 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG 319 
 
 "Come along, Sylvia! Home, supper, and a 
 dance! yhat's the programme now." 
 
 On reaching Manors, Joan enquired of Mr. 
 Goble, - 
 
 "Is Mr. Hughie back, John ?" 
 
 "'Deed, no, mem." 
 
 "Any telegram, or anything?" asked Joan 
 carelessly. 
 
 "Naething whatever! He'll no be back till the 
 morn, I doot," said Mr. Goble. 
 
 Two hours later, when supper was over and 
 the dancing at its height, Mr. Haliburton ap- 
 proached Joan. 
 
 "Our dance, I think, Cherry Ripe?" he said. 
 
 Cherry Ripe concurred. 
 
 "Will you come and sit in the conservatory?" 
 continued Haliburton. " I want to say something 
 particular to you." 
 
 Joan regarded him covertly for a moment. 
 
 "All right!" she said.
 
 CHAPTER XVII 
 
 IN WHICH CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME, AND 
 HUGHIE MISSES HIS TRAIN 
 
 THE dentist laid aside his excavating pick with 
 a regretful sigh, and began to fit what looked like 
 a miniature circular saw into the end of the elec- 
 tric drill. 
 
 Hughie, recumbent in the chair, telling himself 
 resolutely that, appearances to the contrary, the 
 man was doing this because it was really neces- 
 sary, and not from mere voluptuousness, cau- 
 tiously inserted his tongue into the hole, and cal- 
 culated that the final clearance would be a three 
 minutes' job at the shortest. 
 
 "It seems hard to believe," said the dentist 
 morosely, setting the machinery of the drill in mo- 
 tion with his foot, " that your teeth have not been 
 attended to for eight years. A little wider, please ! " 
 
 Hughie realised that he was being called a liar 
 as unmistakably as a man can be ; but at this mo- 
 ment the drill came into full operation, and he 
 merely gripped the arms of the chair. 
 
 "A man," continued the dentist, removing the 
 drill and suddenly syringing the cavity with ice- 
 cold water, "empty, please! should make
 
 CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 321 
 
 a point of having his teeth inspected once every 
 six months; a woman, once every three." 
 
 "A man," replied Hughie (who believed that 
 the operations with the drill were completed), 
 " must have his teeth inspected when he can. That 
 is," he added rapidly, the dentist was deliber- 
 ately fitting a fresh tool into the drill, "I have 
 been abroad for the last eight or nine years." 
 
 "Away from civilisation, perhaps," said the 
 dentist compassionately, getting good leverage 
 for his operating hand by using Hughie's lower 
 jaw as a fulcrum. 
 
 "Quite!" gurgled Hughie, whose head at the 
 moment was clasped tight to his inquisitor's waist- 
 coat buttons. 
 
 "In that case," said the dentist in distinctly 
 mollified tones, " we must not be too hard on you. 
 Tongue down, please!" 
 
 He completed his excavating and inundating 
 operations, and, regretfully pushing away the 
 arm of the drilling-machine, began to line his vic- 
 tim's mouth with some material which tasted 
 like decomposing sponge-bags. 
 
 " Your teeth have preserved their soundness in 
 quite an unaccountable way," he continued, 
 with the air of a just man conscientiously endeav- 
 ouring to minimise a grievance. "There is one 
 other small hole here," he ran a pointed instru- 
 ment well into it to prove his statement, " but
 
 322 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 beyond that there is nothing further to find fault 
 with." 
 
 He began to pound up a mysterious mixture in 
 a small mortar, and ran on : 
 
 "You must have been very careful in your 
 diet." 
 
 "No sweets," said Hughie laconically. "And 
 I used very often to eat my meat right off the bone. 
 That keeps teeth white, does n't it?" 
 
 The dentist put down the mortar with some 
 deliberation, and glared. Anything in the shape 
 of levity emanating from occupants of the rack 
 jars upon a Chief Tormentor's sense of what is 
 professionally proper. But Hughie was lying back 
 in the chair with his mouth open and eyes shut, 
 exhibiting no sign of humorous intention. Still, 
 this must not occur again. The dentist looked 
 round for a gag. He produced from somewhere 
 a long snaky india-rubber arrangement, termin- 
 ating in a hooked nozzle. This he hung over 
 Hughie's lower cpxos oSoj/rwi/, effectually stifling 
 his utterance and reducing his share in the con- 
 versation to a sort of Morse Code of single 
 gurgles and long-drawn sizzles suggestive of the 
 emptying of a bath. 
 
 Then, taking up his mortar, he proceeded, with 
 the air of one who is using a giant's strength mag- 
 nanimously, 
 
 "You have visited the Antipodes, perhaps?"
 
 CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 323 
 
 " Gug-gug-guggle ! " proceeded from the in- 
 dia-rubber-lined orifice before him. 
 
 "Ah! that must have^ been very interesting," 
 continued the dentist. "Had you many oppor- 
 tunities of discussing the question of Colonial Pre- 
 ference with the leading men out there ?" 
 
 "Glug!" came the reply. 
 
 " That was unfortunate. But perhaps you were 
 able to form some idea of the general Australian 
 attitude towards the question ?" 
 
 "G-r-r-r-r-r! Guggle, guggle! Ch'k, ch'k!" 
 observed Hughie. 
 
 "Personally," continued the dentist, rolling the 
 pulverised substance in the mortar between his 
 finger and thumb, and lighting a spirit-lamp, "I 
 am an ardent upholder of the principles of that 
 truly great man, the immortal Richard Cobden. 
 Are you?" 
 
 Hughie, thoughtlessly lifting the gag for a mo- 
 ment, replied with fatal distinctness. 
 
 It was a mad act. The dentist simply took up 
 a humorous-looking bulb-shaped appliance, and 
 having filled it with red-hot air at the spirit-lamp, 
 discharged its contents, in one torrid blast, into 
 the excavated tooth. 
 
 Twenty minutes later Hughie was ushered into 
 the street, and stood poising himself doubtfully 
 on the doorstep. He did not know what to do.
 
 324 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 Strictly speaking, his next engagement should 
 have been to entertain Mr. Lance Gaymer at 
 luncheon. But that exposer of fraudulent trustees 
 had not replied to Hughie's written invitation. 
 Hence Hughie's stork-like attitude outside the 
 dentist's premises. Personally he had not the 
 slightest desire to entertain Lance Gaymer at 
 luncheon or any other meal. On the other hand, 
 he had promised Joan to seek out her brother and 
 ascertain if all was well with him. Ergo, since 
 the Mountain declined to come to Mohammed, or 
 even answer his letters, Mohammed must put his 
 pride in his pocket and go to the Mountain. 
 
 The prophet accordingly hailed a hansom, and 
 was directing the cabman to drive to the Moun- 
 tain's residence in Maida Vale, a paradoxical 
 address for a Mountain, by the way, when a 
 strange thing happened. Nay, it was a provi- 
 dential thing; for if Hughie had not resolutely 
 summoned up his courage and told the dentist to 
 go in and finish off the small hole in the last 
 tooth, a treat which that sated epicure was in- 
 clined to postpone until another occasion, he 
 would have hailed this hansom twenty minutes 
 sooner and so missed his just reward. 
 
 Mrs. Lance Gaymer suddenly came round a 
 corner of the quiet square, and crossed the road 
 directly in front of Hughie's hansom. Hughie 
 dismounted, and greeted her.
 
 CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 325 
 
 "Why," cried Mrs. Lance, "I do declare, it's 
 Mr. Marrable!" 
 
 She smiled upon Hughie in a manner so in- 
 toxicating that the cabman coughed discreetly 
 to the horse. That intelligent animal made no 
 comment, but turned round and looked at the 
 cabman. 
 
 "Fancy meeting you!" she continued archly. 
 
 " Did your husband get a letter from me yes- 
 terday, Mrs. Gaymer, do you know?" asked 
 Hughie. 
 
 No, Mrs. Gaymer was sure he had not. The 
 poor boy had took to his bed a week ago, with 
 the "flu"; so Mrs. Lance had been conducting 
 his correspondence for him, and could therefore 
 vouch for the non-arrival of Hughie's letter. 
 She hazarded the suggestion that possibly Hughie 
 had written to Maida Vale. 
 
 Yes. Hughie had. 
 
 "That's it, then!" said Mrs. Lance. "We 
 moved from there six weeks ago. We live in Bal- 
 ham now." 
 
 Hughie was not sufficiently conversant with 
 suburban caste distinctions to feel sure whether 
 this was a step up or down in the social scale, 
 so he merely expressed a hope that Lance was 
 getting well again. 
 
 "I want to come and see him, if I may," he 
 said. "I asked him to come and lunch with me,
 
 326 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 but I suppose that is out of the question at 'pre- 
 sent." 
 
 "You're right there," said Mrs. Lance in dis- 
 tinctly guarded tones. "He ain't what you'd 
 call spry. He's not seeing anybody." 
 
 "I should n't stay long," urged Hughie. 
 
 "Is it business?" enquired Mrs. Gaymerwith 
 a touch of hostility. 
 
 "Yes," said Hughie. 
 
 Mrs. Gaymer surveyed him curiously. To 
 most people she would have said flatly and un- 
 truthfully that her husband was unfit to see any 
 one, for she had her own reasons for discouraging 
 visitors to Balham just now. But she had al- 
 ways cherished a weakness for Hugh Marrable. 
 He treated her exactly as he treated all women 
 with a scrupulous courtesy which, while it 
 slightly bored frivolous damsels of his acquaint- 
 ance, was appreciated at its true value by a lady 
 whose social status was more than a little equivo- 
 cal. It is only when one has secret doubts about 
 being a real lady that one appreciates being 
 treated as such. 
 
 "Could you come to-morrow?" she said at 
 last. 
 
 "I have to get back to Manors to-night," said 
 Hughie. "Might I come out to Balham this 
 afternoon ? Or, better still, will you come and 
 lunch with me somewhere now, and we can
 
 CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 327 
 
 drive out there afterwards? Or must you get 
 back to the invalid?" he added, with just a 
 suspicion of hopefulness. 
 
 Mrs. Lance, however, expressed her willingness 
 to come and lunch, but insisted on being allowed 
 to precede Hughie to Balham by at least one hour. 
 The house was that untidy ! she explained. 
 
 Accordingly Hughie, having decided in his 
 mind upon an establishment where he would not 
 be likely to encounter any of his own friends, and 
 which would yet conform with Mrs. Gaymer's 
 notions of what was sufficiently "classy," con- 
 veyed his fair charge thither in a hansom; and 
 presently found himself engaged in that tradi- 
 tional ne plus ultra of dissipation the enter- 
 tainment of another man's wife to a meal in a 
 public restaurant. 
 
 Mrs. Lance, after she desisted from her efforts 
 to impress upon her host the fact that she was 
 quite accustomed to this sort of thing, was amus- 
 ing enough. She addressed the waiter an in- 
 articulate Teuton as " Johnny," and made a 
 point of saying a few words to the manager when 
 he passed their table. She smoked a cigarette 
 after lunch, and was good enough to commend 
 Hughie's taste in champagne a brand which 
 he had hazily recognised in the wine-list as being 
 the sweetest and stickiest beverage ever distilled 
 from gooseberries. (It was the sort of champagne
 
 328 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 which goes well with chocolate creams : " Chorus 
 Girls' Entire," he remembered they used to call 
 it.) At any rate it met with Mrs. Lance's undi- 
 vided approval, and Hughie realised for the first 
 time that a University education can after all be 
 useful to one in after-life. 
 
 Suddenly Mrs. Lance enquired : 
 
 "Do you know any theatrical managers, my 
 dear boy ?" 
 
 Yes, Hughie had come across one or two. 
 "Why?" 
 
 "Well," said Mrs. Lance expansively, "you've 
 always treated me like flesh and blood, which is 
 more than what some of your relations have 
 done; so I'll tell you. After all, I've got me 
 feelings, same as " 
 
 "What about the theatrical managers?" in- 
 quired Hughie tactfully. 
 
 "Oh, yes. Do you think you could ask one 
 of 'em to give me a shop ? The chorus would 
 do. I was in it before," said Mrs. Gaymer can- 
 didly. 
 
 "Why do you want to go back there ?" 
 
 "I I've got a fancy for it that's all," re- 
 plied Mrs. Gaymer in a thoroughly unconvincing 
 tone. 
 
 Hughie wondered if Lance and his wife were 
 beginning to tire of one another. 
 
 "I do know one or two men," he said, "who
 
 CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 329 
 
 are interested in some of the musical-comedy 
 syndicates. Shall I try them ?" 
 
 " Will you reelly ? You'll be a duck if you do," 
 said Mrs. Gaymer. 
 
 After the deliverance of this unsolicited testi- 
 monial Hughie's guest observed that she must 
 be getting home, and Hughie, having put her 
 into a cab and paid the driver, retired to his 
 club, clogged with viscous champagne and feeling 
 excessively unwell, to wait until it should be time 
 for him to follow her. 
 
 To look at the double row of eligible residences 
 which composed Talbot Street, Balham, you 
 would hardly have suspected that any of them 
 would support what the Inland Revenue Schedule 
 calls a "male servant." And yet, when Hughie 
 rang the bell of Number Nineteen, the door was 
 opened by such an appanage of prosperity. He 
 was an elderly gentleman with a rheumy but 
 humorous eye, and a nose which suggested the 
 earlier stages of elephantiasis. He wore a dress- 
 coat of distinctly fashionable cut (which, need- 
 less to say, did not fit him) and the regulation 
 white shirt and collar, the latter quite two sizes 
 too small ; but his boots and trousers apparently 
 belonged to a totally different class of society. 
 
 "Name of Marrable?" he enquired, smiling 
 benevolently upon Hughie. 
 
 "Yes."
 
 330 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "Step in. We've been expectin' of you for 
 'alf-an-hour. Don't wipe your boots on that 
 mat. It's worth one-and-eight." 
 
 After this somewhat remarkable confidence, 
 the Gaymers' major-domo conducted the visitor 
 upstairs. Here he threw open a door with truly 
 theatrical grandeur, and announced, 
 
 " 'Ere's the young toff for you, my de " 
 
 "Thank you, James: that will do," interposed 
 Mrs. Lance Gaymer, with a very fair imitation 
 of the manner of a musical-comedy duchess. 
 "How do you do, Mr. Marrable?" 
 
 She was attired in the faded glories of a tea- 
 gown, of a material more pretentious than dur- 
 able; and in the half-light of the drawing-room 
 the blinds were partially lowered looked 
 extremely handsome in a tawdry way. 
 
 She apologised for her retainer's familiarity. 
 Mr. Marrable would doubtless know what old 
 servants was. Still, James must certainly be 
 spoke to about it. 
 
 "You'll drink a cup of tea with me," she con- 
 tinued, "and then we'll pop up and see Lance, 
 pore boy! Ring the bell, please." 
 
 Hughie did so, and a rather laborious quarter- 
 of-an-hour followed. He ploughed his way 
 through a morass of unlikely topics, while Mrs. 
 Lance, who was obviously perturbed at the non- 
 appearance of tea, replied in distrait monosylla-
 
 CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 331 
 
 bles. Hughie was conscious about half-way 
 through the conversation of a faint crash in the 
 lower regions, and wondered dimly whether ca- 
 lamity had overtaken the afternoon meal. If so, 
 he had no doubt as to which of the domestic staff 
 of Number Nineteen was responsible. 
 
 At last the door opened, and the inestimable 
 James appeared. 
 
 " You done it this time !" he remarked severely. 
 "The 'andle of that tea-pot 'as came right away 
 in me 'and. It must have been that way this long 
 while. You won't get no tea now. Wot's more, 
 that tea-pot will 'ave to come off the invent " 
 
 By this time Mrs. Lance Gaymer, with dumb 
 but frenzied signallings, was herding her censori- 
 ous hireling through the door, and his concluding 
 remarks were lost in the passage outside. 
 
 Presently she returned, smiling bravely. 
 Hughie experienced a sudden pang of pity and 
 admiration. Lance's wife was the right sort of 
 girl after all. 
 
 "I reelly must apologise " she began. 
 
 But Hughie interrupted her. He rose, and 
 looked her frankly in the face. 
 
 "Mrs. Gaymer," he said, "please don't bother 
 about keeping up appearances with me. I never 
 cared a hang about them, and never shall. Tell 
 me, what are you doing with a bailiff in the 
 house ?"
 
 332 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 Mrs. Lance broke down and cried, more 
 from relief than anything else, and presently 
 Hughie, much to his surprise, found himself sit- 
 ting beside her, patting her large but shapely 
 hand, and uttering words of comfort and encour- 
 agement into her ear. 
 
 IWlpil lM<<u',S-0'VV; unjj, v.fj JKA-i |A 
 
 Half an hour later he concluded an interview 
 with Mr. Albert Mould, broker's man, late 
 James, the butler, in the dingy dining-room 
 downstairs. The latter gentleman, the more gor- 
 geous items of his apparel now replaced by gar- 
 ments of equal social standing with his boots and 
 trousers, was laboriously writing a receipt with 
 Hughie's fountain-pen, following the movements 
 of the nib with the end of a protruding tongue. 
 Presently he finished. 
 
 "There you are, sir," he said, breathing heavily 
 upon the paper to dry the ink. "Twenty-seven, 
 fifteen, eight and thank you ! What beats me," 
 he added reflectively, "is 'ow you spotted me. 
 What was it give me away? Seems to me I 
 looked all right. I was wearin* the young feller's 
 evenin* coat and one of 'is shirts, and I thought 
 I was lookin' a treat all the time. Was it me 
 trousis ?" 
 
 To avoid wounding his guest's feelings, Hughie 
 agreed that it was his trousis. 
 
 " It's a queer trade, this of yours," he said.
 
 CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 333 
 
 "You got to earn a livin' some'ow," said Mr. 
 Mould apologetically, "same as any other yew- 
 man bean. It's not a bad job, as jobs go. They 
 carry on a lot, o' course, when you're first put in, 
 and usually the wife cries ; but they soon finds out 
 as you won't do 'em no 'arm. You makes your 
 inventory and settles down in the kitching, with 
 a pint o' somethink in your 'and an' a pipe in 
 your face, and in less than 'alf a tick you're one 
 o' the family, a'most. Why, I've 'elped wash the 
 baby afore now." 
 
 "Don't you ever get thrown out?" asked 
 Hughie. 
 
 "I 'ave bin," replied Mr. Mould, in a tone 
 which gently reproved the tactlessness of the 
 question, " but not often. After all, I only come 
 in agin ; and it's a matter of seven days for as- 
 sault, p'raps, on top o' the distraint. Most of 'em 
 'as the sense to remember that, so they humours 
 me, as it were. They speak me fair, and give me 
 jobs to do about the house. Still, it were a bit of a 
 surprise when 'er ladyship comes 'ome to-day 
 about two o'clock and asks me would 'arf-a-crown 
 be any good to me, and, if so, would I mind 
 playin' at bein' a butler for a hour or two. I felt 
 a fool, like, dressed up that way, but I always 
 was one to oblige a bit o' skirt. Been weak with 
 women," he added autobiographically, "from a 
 boy. This fer me ?" as Hughie opened the street-
 
 334 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 door and sped the parting guest in a particularly 
 acceptable manner. "Thank you, Captain! 
 Good day !" 
 
 He shuffled down the steps and along the street, 
 obviously on his way to liquidate Hughie's half- 
 crown, and the donor of that gratuity returned 
 to the dining-room, where he took Mr. Mould's 
 laboriously indited receipt from the table. Then 
 he went upstairs, feeling desperately sorry for 
 Mr. and Mrs. Lance. He had done what he could 
 for them, in his eminently practical fashion, and 
 set them on their feet again ; but for how long ? 
 Debts! Millstones! Poor things! 
 
 On the landing above he encountered Mrs. 
 Gaymer, wide-eyed and incredulous. 
 
 "Lance would like to see you now," she said. 
 " In here !" She opened a door. " And and 
 I say,'* she added, half in a whisper, "surely you 
 don't mean to say he's been and gaum!" 
 
 For answer Hughie awkwardly handed her the 
 stamped receipt, and passed into the bedroom. 
 
 His interview with Lance lasted an hour and 
 a half. Much passed between them during that 
 period, and by the time Hughie rose and said he 
 must be going, each man had entirely revised his 
 opinion of the other. Most of us have the right 
 stuff concealed in us somewhere, however heavily 
 it may be overlaid by folly or vanity or desire 
 to make a show. There are few men who do not
 
 CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 335 
 
 improve on acquaintance, once you get right 
 through the veneer. 
 
 Poor Lance, struggling in deep waters, sud- 
 denly discovered in the dour and undemonstrative 
 Hughie a cheerful helper and most precious of 
 all to a proud nature an entirely uncritical con- 
 fidant. Hughie on his part discovered what he 
 had rather doubted before, namely, that Lance 
 was a man. Moreover, he presently laid bare a 
 truly human and rather sad tale of genuine ability 
 and secret ambition, heavily handicapped by 
 youthful cocksureness and want of ballast. 
 
 They discussed many things in that dingy bed- 
 room : Lance's past ; Uncle Jimmy's little allow- 
 ance, mortgaged many years in advance; the 
 creditors to whom, together with the law of the 
 land, he was indebted for the presence beneath 
 his roof of the versatile Mr. Mould; his future; 
 the journalistic work which was promised him 
 as soon as he should be fit again ; Mrs. Lance ; 
 and also Mr. Haliburton. 
 
 Joan's name was barely mentioned. Lance 
 exhibited a newborn delicacy in the matter. His 
 officious solicitude on his sister's behalf was 
 dead; he knew now that no woman need ever 
 regret having trusted Hugh Marrable; and he 
 was content to leave it at that. 
 
 "Well, I must be moving," said Hughie at last. 
 "Buck up, and get fit! It's good to hear that
 
 336 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 there's work waiting for you when you get about 
 again. Grand tonic, that! So long!" 
 
 He shook Lance's hand, and the two parted 
 undemonstratively. Lance made no set speech: 
 he appreciated Hughie's desire that there should 
 be no returning of thanks or contrite expressions 
 of gratitude. All he said was : 
 
 "Hughie, you are a sportsman!" 
 
 Then he settled down on his pillow with a 
 happy sigh. He had paid Hughie the highest 
 compliment it was in his power to bestow and 
 that costs an Englishman an effort. 
 
 So they parted. But Mrs. Lance did not let 
 Hughie off so easily. As she accompanied him 
 downstairs to open the door for him, she sud- 
 denly seized his hand and kissed it. Tears were 
 running down her cheeks. 
 
 Hughie grew red. 
 
 "I say, Mrs. Lance," he said in clumsy expos- 
 tulation, "it's all right, you know! He'll soon 
 be quite well again." 
 
 "Let me cry," said Mrs. Lance comfortably. 
 "It does me good." 
 
 They stood together in the obscurity of the 
 shabby little hall, and Hughie, surveying the 
 flamboyant but homely figure before him, won- 
 dered what the future might hold in store for 
 this little household. It all depended, of course, 
 on
 
 CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME 337 
 
 "Mrs. Lance," he said suddenly, "tell me 
 do you love him ?" 
 
 "I do!" repjied Mrs. Lance, in a voice which 
 for the moment relegated her patchouli and 
 dyed eyebrows to nothingness. 
 
 "And does he love you ?" 
 
 "He does thank God!" 
 
 "You are both all right, then," said Hughie, 
 nodding a wise head. " Nothing matters much 
 except that!" 
 
 "That's true," said Mrs. Gaymer. "But I 
 wonder how you knew!" she added curiously. 
 
 "Good-bye!" said Hughie. 
 
 As Hughie stood in the darkening street a 
 church clock began to chime. He looked at his 
 watch. 
 
 It was six o'clock, and he had promised faith- 
 fully to be at Joey's entertainment at eight ! He 
 had good reason for his absence, it is true, but a 
 reason is not always accepted as an excuse. 
 
 "I've fairly torn it, this time!" he reflected 
 morosely. 
 
 He was right. 
 
 Early next morning he arrived at the village 
 station by the newspaper train, and made his 
 way on foot to Manors. A sleepy housemaid was 
 sweeping out the hall, which was strewn with 
 confetti, some cotillion figures had been in-
 
 338 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 eluded in last night's festivities, and as Hughie 
 made his way to his dressing-room, intent upon 
 a bath and shave before breakfast, he reflected 
 not without satisfaction that, despite Joey's pro- 
 spective fulminations, he had escaped something 
 by missing his train. 
 
 On his dressing-table he found a note, ad- 
 dressed to him in Joan's handwriting. It said : 
 
 DEAR HUGHIE, To-night at the dance Mr. 
 Haliburton asked me to marry him. Being a 
 dutiful ward above all things, I have referred 
 him to you. He is coming to see you to-morrow 
 afternoon that is, if you are back. I hope you 
 had a good time in town. J.
 
 CHAPTER XVIII 
 
 EX MACHINA 
 
 Miss JOAN GAYMER, pleasantly fatigued after 
 last night's dissipation, reclined in a canvas chair 
 on the lawn at Manors. She had just finished 
 reading a letter which had arrived by the after- 
 noon post. It was from her brother Lance, and 
 conveyed, probably a good deal more fully than 
 Hughie himself would have done, the reasons 
 for Hughie' s absence on the previous evening. 
 Joan's brow was puckered thoughtfully, and she 
 surveyed the tips of her small shoes, which were 
 cocked at an unladylike altitude upon a stool in 
 front of her, with a profundity of maiden medita- 
 tion which was perhaps explained by the fact 
 that she had received a proposal of marriage the 
 evening before, and was expecting the proposer 
 to come and second his own motion at any 
 moment. 
 
 To her entered suddenly Jno. Alex. Goble. 
 
 "Yon felly!" he intimated austerely. 
 
 "Mr. Haliburton, do you mean, John?" in- 
 quired Miss Gaymer, hastily letting down her 
 feet. 
 
 "Aye. Wull I loose him in here?"
 
 840 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "Yes, please. No I mean " 
 
 But Cupid's messenger was gone. Presently 
 he returned, and, with the air of one introducing 
 the Coroner to the foreman of the jury, an- 
 nounced Mr. Haliburton. 
 
 That ardent suitor advanced gallantly across 
 the lawn, and taking Joan's hand with an air 
 of respectful rapture, endeavoured to draw its 
 owner into the shade of the copper beech. Joan 
 forestalled his intentions by saying at once, 
 
 " Come along into the library, Mr. Haliburton, 
 and we'll see what my guardian has to say to 
 you." 
 
 Mr. Haliburton hinted that there was no hurry, 
 and made a pointed reference to Amaryllis and 
 the shade ; but his unsentimental nymph marched 
 him briskly across the lawn, round the corner of 
 the house, and in at the front door. 
 
 They crossed the cool, dark hall, and Joan 
 tapped at the oaken door of the library. 
 
 "Come in," said a voice. 
 
 The lovers entered. 
 
 "I have brought Mr. Haliburton to see you, 
 Hughie," remarked Miss Gaymer, much as one 
 might announce the arrival of a person to inspect 
 the gas meter. 
 
 Mr. Haliburton, who was not the man to show 
 embarrassment, whether he felt it or not, ad- 
 vanced easily into the room. Joan surveyed his
 
 EX MACHINA 341 
 
 straight back and square shoulders as he passed 
 her, and the corners of her mouth twitched, ever 
 so little. 
 
 Then she looked at Hughie. It was her first 
 meeting with him since his return home that 
 morning. He had answered her note by another, 
 saying that he would be in the library at five 
 o'clock. There was no twitching about his mouth. 
 It was closed like a steel trap ; and he stood with 
 his back to the wood-fire which glowed in the 
 grate it was getting on in September, and cold 
 out of the sun with absolute stolidity. Joan 
 saw at a glance that, whatever the difficulties 
 of the position, her guardian's line of action was 
 now staked out and his mind made up one way 
 or the other. 
 
 She dropped into an arm-chair. 
 
 "Now, you two/' she remarked encouragingly, 
 " get to work ! I want to hear what each of you 
 has got to say about my future. It will be quite 
 exciting like going to a palmist!" 
 
 The two men turned and regarded her in un- 
 feigned surprise. They had not expected this. 
 Haliburton began swiftly to calculate whether 
 Joan's presence would be a help to him or not. 
 But Hughie said at once : 
 
 "You must leave us alone, Joan, please! I 
 can't possibly allow you to remain." 
 
 Joan lay back in her chair and smiled up at
 
 342 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 him, frankly mutinous. She had never yet failed, 
 when she so desired, to " manage" a man. Hughie 
 was regarding her stonily ; but two minutes, she 
 calculated, would make him sufficiently pliable. 
 
 She was wrong. At the end of this period 
 Hughie was still rigidly waiting for her to leave 
 the room. Joan, a little surprised at his obstinacy, 
 remarked : 
 
 " If you are going to object to to Mr. Hali- 
 burton's suggestions, Hughie, I think I ought to 
 hear what the objections are." 
 
 "Before you go," said Hughie in even tones, "I 
 will tell you one thing and that should be suffi- 
 cient. It is this. There is not the slightest pros- 
 pect of this this engagement coming off. My 
 reasons for saying so I am prepared to give to Mr. 
 Haliburton, and if he thinks proper he can com- 
 municate them to you afterwards. But I don't 
 think he will. Now will you leave us, please ?" 
 
 Joan was genuinely astonished. But she con- 
 trolled herself. She was determined to see the 
 matter out now. All the woman in her and she 
 was all woman answered to the challenge con- 
 tained in Hughie's dictatorial attitude. Besides, 
 she was horribly curious. 
 
 She heaved a sad little sigh, and made certain 
 shameless play with her eyes which she knew 
 stirred poor Hughie to the point of desperation, 
 and surveyed the result through drooping lashes
 
 EX MACHINA 343 
 
 with some satisfaction. Hughie's mouth was fast 
 shut, and he was breathing through his nose ; and 
 Joan could see a little pulse beating in his right 
 temple. (Both of them, for the moment, had 
 forgotten the ardent suitor by the window.) She 
 would win through in a moment now. 
 
 But alas! she had forgotten a masculine wea- 
 pon against which all the Votes for Women in 
 the world will avail nothing, when it comes to a 
 pinch. 
 
 Hughie suddenly relaxed his attitude, and 
 strode across to the door, which he held open for 
 her. 
 
 "At once, please!" he said in a voice which 
 Joan had never heard before, though many men 
 had. 
 
 Without quite knowing why, Miss Gaymer 
 rose meekly from her chair and walked out of the 
 room. The door closed behind her. 
 
 When Joan found herself on the lawn again she 
 gasped a little. 
 
 " Ooh ! " she said breathlessly. " I I feel just 
 as if I'd been hit in the face by a big wave ! This 
 game is not turning out quite as you expected, 
 Joey, my child : the man Hughie is one up ! Still, 
 I'll take it out of him another time. But hea- 
 vens!" She was staring, like Red Riding- 
 Hood on a historic occasion, at a recumbent figure
 
 344 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 in her canvas chair beneath the copper beech 
 "Who on earth is that in my chair? It's it's 
 
 oh! Joey Gaymer, you Ve got hysterics ! It's 
 
 it's Uncle Jimmy ! Uncle Jimmy I . . . My 
 Uncle Jimmy /" 
 
 Next moment she was reposing comfortably, a 
 distracted bundle of tears and laughter, in the 
 arms of Jimmy Marrable. 
 
 "A bit sudden eh, young lady?" enquired 
 that gentleman at last. "I ought to have written, 
 I suppose. But I quite forgot you would all think 
 I was dead. Never mind I'm not!" 
 
 He blew his nose resonantly to substantiate his 
 statement. 
 
 Joan, satisfied at last that he was real, and 
 greatly relieved to find that she was not suffering 
 from hysterical delusions arising from Hughie's 
 brutal treatment of her, enquired severely of the 
 truant where he had been for the last five years. 
 
 Jimmy Marrable told her. It was a long story, 
 and the shadow of the copper beech had percep- 
 tibly lengthened by the time the narrator had em- 
 barked at Zanzibar for the port of Leith. They 
 had the garden to themselves, for the Leroys were 
 out. 
 
 "I don't want to hear any more adventures, 
 because I'm simply bursting with questions," 
 said Miss Gaymer frankly. " First of all, why did 
 you go away ? You rushed off in such a hurry that
 
 EX MACHINA 345 
 
 you had no time to explain. I was barely eighteen 
 then." 
 
 " It was the old failing the Marrable wan- 
 dering tendency," replied her uncle. " I had kept 
 it at bay quite easily for close on fifteen years, but 
 it came back very hard and suddenly about that 
 time." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 " Partly, I think, because the only thing that 
 had kept me at home all those years seemed to be 
 slipping away from me." 
 
 "I wasn't!" declared Miss Gaymer stoutly. 
 Then she reflected. " Do you mean all those 
 silly boys ? Was it them ?" 
 
 "It was," said Jimmy Marrable. "They not 
 only put my nose out of joint but they bored me 
 to tears." 
 
 " You were always worth the whole lot of them 
 put together, dear,"said Miss Gaymer affection- 
 ately. 
 
 "I knew that," replied Jimmy Marrable mod- 
 estly, " but I was n't quite sure if you did. I saw 
 that for the next two or three years you would be 
 healthily and innocently employed in making 
 fools of young men, and so could well afford to do 
 without your old wreck of an uncle. The serious 
 part would not come until you grew up to be of a 
 marriageable age. So I decided in the meanwhile 
 to treat myself to just one last potter round the
 
 346 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 globe, and then, in a couple of years or so, come 
 home and assume the onerous duties of chucker- 
 out." 
 
 "Then why did you stay away so long?" de- 
 manded Miss Gaymer. 
 
 "Because I heard Hughie had come home," 
 said Jimmy Marrable simply. 
 
 Joan started guiltily, and her hand, which was 
 resting in one of the old gentleman's, relaxed its 
 hold for a moment. Jimmy Marrable noticed 
 nothing, and proceeded : 
 
 "I got news of him from a man in Cape Town. 
 His name was Allerton. He seemed a bit of a 
 rolling stone, but had lately married the proprie- 
 tress of a little public-house, Wynberg way, and 
 was living in great contentment and affluence. 
 His wife regarded his capture as the crowning 
 achievement of her life, and altogether they were 
 a most devoted couple. On hearing that my name 
 was Marrable, he said he was sure I must be 
 Hughie's uncle, as Hughie had told him I was the 
 only relation he had. He was a gentleman, of 
 sorts, and seemed to regard friend Hughie as a 
 kind of cross between Providence and the Rock 
 of Gibraltar. They had been through some rather 
 tough times together on board the Orinoco. I 
 expect Hughie has often told you all about that ?" 
 
 Joan shook her head. 
 
 "No ? Well, it was like him not to. However,
 
 EX MACHINA 347 
 
 Allerton told me for a fact that Hughie was now 
 home for good ; so I knew then that my plans had 
 worked out right after all, and that I need not 
 hurry back. My little girl was safe." 
 
 He sighed contentedly, and patted Joan's 
 hand. 
 
 "I'm a happy old fossil, Joey," he said. "I've 
 always schemed in a clumsy way to bring this 
 about, and now it has happened. 'There's a 
 divinity that shapes our ends,' you know. And 
 now, I suppose, you are mistress of this old house. 
 How long have you been married ?" 
 
 "We're not," said Joan in a very small voice. 
 
 "Not what?" 
 
 "Married." 
 
 She held up a ringless hand in corroboration. 
 Jimmy Marrable inspected it. 
 
 "Where's your engagement ring?" he de- 
 manded. 
 
 Joan felt that there was a bad time coming 
 especially for Uncle Jimmy. 
 
 "We we're not engaged," she faltered. 
 Then she continued swiftly, for there was a look 
 on Jimmy Marrable's brown and wrinkled face 
 that frightened her, and she wanted to get expla- 
 nations over : " Hughie and I did n't quite care 
 for one another in that way. No, I'm a liar. I 
 didn't care for Hughie in that way." , 
 
 "He asked you, then ?"
 
 348 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "Yes. 5 * 
 
 "And you would n't ?" 
 
 Joan nodded. She suddenly felt unreasonably 
 mean and despicable. She had declined to marry 
 Hughie in all good faith, as she had a perfect 
 right to do, for the very sufficient reason that she 
 did not like him or his way of putting things 
 well enough ; and she had felt no particular com- 
 punction at the time in dealing the blow. But 
 none of these reasons seemed any excuse for hurt- 
 ing Uncle Jimmy. 
 
 Since then, too, her feelings towards Hughie 
 himself had altered to an extent which she was 
 just beginning to realise. Of late she had found 
 herself taking a quite peculiar interest in Hugh- 
 ie's movements. Why, she hardly knew. He paid 
 her few attentions; he was habitually uncom- 
 promising in what he considered the execution of 
 his duty ; and he had made a shocking mess of her 
 affairs. But he was in trouble ; people were 
 down on him; and he had been her friend ever 
 since she could remember. 
 
 Now Joan Gaymer, if she was nothing else, 
 was loyal ; and loyalty in a woman rather thrives 
 on adversity than otherwise. And a woman's loy- 
 alty to a man who is her friend, if you endeavour 
 to overstrain it or drive it into a corner, in nine 
 cases out of ten will protect itself, Proteus-like, by 
 turning into something entirely different, a some-
 
 EX MACHINA 349 
 
 thing which is quite impervious to outward attack 
 and can only be strained to breaking-point by one 
 person the man himself; and not always then, 
 as countless undeserving husbands know. Joan's 
 loyalty to Hughie was in some such process of 
 transition. She thought about him a good deal, 
 but she had never once faced the question of her 
 ultimate relations with him. The modern maiden 
 is not given to candid analysis of her own feelings 
 towards members of the opposite sex, she con- 
 siders these exercises "Early Victorian," or "sen- 
 timental," or "effeminate"; and consequently 
 Joan had never frankly asked herself what she 
 really thought about Hughie Marrable. At times, 
 say when she heard people speak ill of her deputy- 
 guardian behind his back, she had been conscious 
 that she was hot and angry ; at others, when some- 
 thing occurred to bring home to her with special 
 force the tribulations that Hughie was enduring, 
 she had been conscious of a large and dim deter- 
 mination to "make it up to him," in some man- 
 ner as yet undefined and at some time as yet un- 
 specified. In short, like many a daughter of Eve 
 before her, she had not known her own mind. She 
 knew it now. Her heart smote her. 
 
 Suddenly Jimmy Marrable's voice broke in 
 with the rather unexpected but not altogether un- 
 reasonable question : 
 
 "Then if you are n't either engaged or married
 
 350 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 to Hughie, may I ask what the deuce you are do- 
 ing in his house ?" 
 
 "It is n't his house," replied Joan, recalling her 
 wandering attention to the rather irascible figure 
 by her side. " He has let it to the Leroys, and he 
 and I are both staying here as guests just now." 
 
 "What on earth did the boy want to let the 
 place for ? Why could n't you and the Leroys 
 come and stay here as his guests ?" 
 
 "I think," said Miss Gaymer delicately, "that 
 Hughie is rather hard up." 
 
 " Hard up ? Stuff ! He has eight hundred a 
 year, and enough coming in from the estate to 
 make it pay its own way without any expense to 
 him. How much more does he want?" 
 
 "I don't think Hughie is a very good business 
 man," said Joan. 
 
 She made the remark in sincere defence of 
 Hughie, just as a mother might say, " Ah, but he 
 always had a weak chest!" when her offspring 
 comes in last in the half-mile handicap. But 
 Jimmy Marrable, being a man, took the sugges- 
 tion as a reproach. 
 
 "Nonsense!" he said testily. "Hughie has as 
 hard a head as any man I know. What do you 
 mean by running him down ? Have you any com- 
 plaint to make of the way he has managed your 
 affairs eh ?" 
 
 "None whatever," said Joan promptly.
 
 EX MACHINA 351 
 
 "But bless my soul!" cried Jimmy Marra- 
 ble; "I forgot! You haven't got " He 
 paused, and appeared to be working out some 
 abstruse problem in his head. " Look here, Joey," 
 he continued presently, " if you are n't married 
 to Hughie, what are you living on ?" 
 
 Joan stared at him in astonishment. 
 
 "On the money you left behind for me," she 
 said. "What else?" 
 
 The old gentleman regarded her intently for 
 a moment, and then said : 
 
 " Of course : I forgot. I suppose Hughie pays 
 it to you quarterly." 
 
 " Yes into my bank account," replied Miss 
 Gaymer with a touch of pride. 
 
 "How much?" 
 
 "Is it quite fair to tell ?" inquired Joan, instinc- 
 tively protecting her fraudulent trustee. 
 
 " Of course. It was my money in the first in- 
 stance. Go on how much ?" 
 
 "Four hundred a year," said Joan. "It was 
 three hundred at first. Hughie told me you had n't 
 left as much as he expected, and that I should 
 have to be careful. But Ursula Harbord she 
 is the girl I share a flat with: she is frightfully 
 clever about money and business told me to 
 ask Hughie what interest I was getting on my 
 capital, or something. I found out for her four 
 per cent, I think it was and she said it was n't
 
 352 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 nearly enough. There were things called prefer- 
 ence shares, or something, that pay ten or twelve 
 per cent ; and Hughie must sell out at once, and 
 buy these instead. What's the matter?" 
 
 Jimmy Marrable had suddenly choked. 
 
 "Nothing! Nothing!" he said, in some con- 
 fusion. "A smart girl, this friend of yours! 
 Takes a large size in boots and gloves, I should 
 say, and acts as honorary treasurer to various 
 charitable organisations ! Twelve per cent ! Aha ! " 
 He slapped himself feebly. "And what did 
 Master Hughie say to that?' 9 
 
 "I could see he did n't half like it," continued 
 Joan ; " but Ursula had declared that if I would n't 
 allow her to speak to him, she would consult 
 some responsible person ; as she was sure Hughie 
 was mismanaging things disgracefully. So to keep 
 her quiet I let her. I think Hughie saw there was 
 something in what she said, though ; because he 
 immediately agreed to give me four hundred a 
 year in future instead of three. Is it enough, Un- 
 cle Jimmy, or has poor Hughie really made a 
 mess of things, as people say ? Say it's enough, 
 Uncle Jimmy! I know he did his best, and I'd 
 rather go without " 
 
 "Enough?" 
 
 Jimmy Marrable turned and scrutinised his 
 ward closely, as if appraising her exact value. 
 Certainly she was very lovely. He whistled
 
 EX MACHINA 353 
 
 softly, and nodded his head in an enigmatical 
 manner. 
 
 " I 'd have done it myself," he murmured darkly. 
 "Enough?" he repeated aloud. "My little girl, 
 do you know how much capital an income of four 
 hundred a year represents ?" 
 
 Joan shook her head. Her experience of fi- 
 nance was limited to signing a cheque in the 
 proper corner. 
 
 "Well, about ten thousand pounds.'* 
 
 "Hoo!" said Miss Gaymer, pleasantly flut- 
 tered. "Have I got all that?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Oh! How much, then?" 
 
 Jimmy Marrable told her.
 
 CHAPTER XIX 
 
 IN WHICH LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 
 
 HUGHIE closed the door on Joan, and breathed 
 a gentle sigh of relief. He was spoiling for a fight, 
 and he had just got his hands free, so to speak. 
 Brief but perfect satisfaction lay before him. 
 
 He resumed his position in front of the fire. 
 Mr. Haliburton sat on an oak table and swung 
 his legs. 
 
 "Now, Marrable " began the latter briskly. 
 
 Hughie interrupted him. 
 
 "Mr. Haliburton," he said, "you heard my 
 intimation to Miss Gaymer just now?" 
 
 "I did," said Mr. Haliburton. 
 
 "Well, I should like to repeat it to you. The 
 marriage which has been arranged by you 
 will not take place. That 's all." 
 
 "That," replied Mr. Haliburton easily, "is a 
 matter for Joan and myself " 
 
 "We will refer to my ward as Miss Gaymer for 
 the rest of this interview," said Hughie stiffly. 
 
 "Certainly. To resume. You see, Marrable, 
 although you were appointed Miss Gaymer's 
 guardian by the eccentric old gentleman who 
 bears the same name as yourself, your authority
 
 LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 355 
 
 does not last for ever. I understand that the lady 
 will shortly become her own mistress." 
 
 "She will." 
 
 "In which case she will have the control of 
 her own property." 
 
 "That is so." 
 
 "Well," Mr. Haliburton paused, and flicked 
 the ash off his cigarette, "don't you think that 
 this display of authority on your part, consider- 
 ing that it is subject to a time-limit, is rather 
 ridiculous?" 
 
 "I have only one observation to make on that 
 point," said Hughie coolly, "and that is, that I 
 have made no display of authority of any kind." 
 
 "My dear sir," said Mr. Haliburton, raising his 
 histrionic eyebrows, "aren't you forbidding the 
 banns?" 
 
 "I have never forbidden anything. I have 
 merely stated that the match will not come off." 
 
 "Don't let us quibble, man !" said Haliburton 
 impatiently. He got off the table. "Look here, 
 Marrable, there is no need for you and me to be 
 mealy-mouthed in this matter. Let 's be frank. 
 You want this girl: so do I. She can't marry 
 both of us, so she must pick one. She has picked 
 me: I have her word for it. She says she cares 
 for me more than any man in the world, and 
 would tramp the roads with me. And I with her ! 
 Why, man "
 
 356 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 As he uttered these noble words Mr. Halibur- 
 ton struck an attitude which many young women 
 in the front row of the pit would have considered 
 highly dramatic, but which merely struck the 
 prejudiced and unsympathetic male before him 
 as theatrical in the extreme. 
 
 " Drop it ! " said Hughie. " You make me quite 
 sick.'* 
 
 He spoke the truth. He did not know whether 
 Haliburton's rhapsody rested on any assured 
 foundation or not. But in any case Joan's fresh 
 and innocent youth was a very sacred thing, and 
 even the suggestion that she could have anything 
 in common with this glorified super made him 
 feel physically unwell. 
 
 Mr. Haliburton broke off, and smiled. 
 
 "Marrable," he said, almost genially, "we 
 understand each other! I see you want plain 
 English. I said just now that we were both fond 
 of the girl. So we are. But I fancy we are both 
 a bit fonder of her little bit of stuff eh ? Now, 
 you have been handling the dibs for a matter of 
 eighteen months, I understand. You have feath- 
 ered your nest pretty comfortably, from all I hear. 
 Don't be a dog in the manger ! Let your friends 
 into a good thing too ! " 
 
 The mask was off with a vengeance. Hughie 
 swallowed something and thanked God that, if 
 his wanderings among mankind had taught him
 
 LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 357 
 
 nothing else, they had taught him to hold himself 
 in till the time came. He said : 
 
 " Haliburton, I have told you several times that 
 I do not forbid this engagement ; because, as you 
 have very acutely pointed out, my veto does not 
 last for ever ; but the match is not coming off, for 
 all that. Before you go I will explain what I mean. 
 I don't want to, because the consequences may 
 be serious, both for Miss Gaymer and myself; 
 but it will show you how absolutely determined I 
 am to make a clean sweep of you. 
 
 "I should like to say in the first place that I 
 should never have stood between Miss Gaymer 
 and any man, so long as I honestly thought he 
 could make her happy not even a man whom 
 I personally would regard as an ass or an out- 
 sider. But there are limits to everything, and 
 you strike me as being the limit in this case. I 
 have been making inquiries about you, and I now 
 know your antecedents fairly well. You appar- 
 ently are an actor of sorts, though all the actors 
 of my acquaintance look distinctly unwell when 
 your name is mentioned. However, whatever 
 you are, I should be sorry to see any woman in 
 whom I take an interest compelled to spend even 
 half an hour in your company. In fact, if you 
 had not originally come down here as a friend of 
 Lance Gaymer's, over whom, by the way, I 
 find you once had some hold, I should have
 
 358 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 asked Captain Leroy's permission to kick you 
 out of the place some time ago!" 
 
 Mr. Haliburton looked a little uncomfortable. 
 He held a good hand, but Hughie was obviously 
 not bluffing. He had an uneasy feeling that 
 there must be an unsuspected card out ^some- 
 where. 
 
 "To come to the main point," continued 
 Hughie, " I want this engagement to be declared 
 off by you, not by me. What is your price ?" 
 
 Mr. Haliburton breathed again. Bribery ? 
 Was that all ? He replied briskly : 
 
 "How much have you got?" 
 
 "Is a thousand pounds any use?" asked 
 Hughie. 
 
 "Twenty might be," replied the lover. 
 
 "My limit," said Hughie, who was not a man 
 to haggle about what Mr. Mantalini once de- 
 scribed as "demnition coppers," "is five thou- 
 sand pounds." 
 
 "Talk sense!" said Mr. Haliburton briefly. 
 
 "The offer," continued Hughie steadily, "is 
 open for five minutes. If you accept it I will write 
 you a cheque now, and you will sit down and 
 write a letter formally breaking off, on your own 
 initiative, any engagement or understanding you 
 may have entered into with Miss Gaymer, and 
 undertaking never to come near her again ; and 
 I will see she gets it. If not well, you '11 be
 
 LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 359 
 
 sorry, for you '11 never make such a good bar- 
 gain by any other means." 
 
 Haliburton eyed him curiously. 
 
 " Is this your own money you are offering me ?" 
 he said. 
 
 "It is," said Hughie, looking at his watch. 
 "Three minutes left." 
 
 "Won't it make rather a hole in your capital 
 account?" 
 
 " It will. In fact, hole won't be the word for it ! 
 But it will be worth it." 
 
 Intelligence dawned upon Mr. Haliburton. 
 
 " I see," he said slowly. " You expect to recoup 
 yourself later, when when the marriage settle- 
 ments are drawn up, eh ? Or perhaps," he added 
 sarcastically, " eighteen months of careful trustee- 
 ship have put you in a position to afford this 
 extravagance!" 
 
 Hughie was surprised at his own self-control. 
 Only the little pulse which Joan had noticed beat 
 assiduously in his right temple. 
 
 " Fifteen seconds ! " he said. " Do you take this 
 offer, Mr. Haliburton ?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Right!" Hughie put his watch back into his 
 pocket and regarded the misguided blackmailer 
 before him rather in the manner of a benevolent 
 policeman standing over a small boy with a 
 cigarette.
 
 360 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 "Your last few remarks," he said, "have been 
 so offensive that I know you would not have had 
 the pluck to make them unless you thought you 
 had me absolutely under your thumb. But I may 
 as well proceed to my final move, and terminate 
 this interview. I am very averse to taking this 
 particular step, because its results may be awk-- 
 ward, as I said, for Miss Gaymer. That is why I 
 offered you practically all the available money I 
 have to call the deal off. But I see I can't help 
 myself. Now, Haliburton, by the way, I forgot 
 to mention that your real name is Spratt: you 
 seem to have become a big fish since you took to 
 fortune-hunting, I am going to make you break 
 off your engagement. I am going to pay you a 
 high compliment. I am going to give you a piece 
 of information, known only to myself and Miss 
 Gaymer's banker, for which you will ultimately 
 be very grateful, and the knowledge of which will 
 cause you, when you get outside (which will be 
 very soon now), to kick yourself for a blamed fool 
 because you did not accept my first offer." 
 
 Mr. Haliburton- Spratt shuffled his feet a trifle 
 uneasily, and Hughie continued : 
 
 " You seem to be suffering from an aggravated 
 attack of the prevailing impression that Miss 
 Gaymer is an heiress. Her fortune has been 
 variously estimated by tea-table experts at any- 
 thing from forty to a hundred thousand pounds.
 
 LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 361 
 
 I will now tell you what it really is. Get off the 
 table: I want to open that dispatch-box." 
 
 Mr. Haliburton, conscious of a slight sinking 
 sensation just below the second button of his 
 waistcoat, moved as requested, and Hughie took 
 out of the box a bank-book and a bulky letter. 
 
 "When I came home from abroad," he said, 
 " I found this letter awaiting me. It is from my 
 uncle. The following passage will interest you: 
 * . . . I have realised practically all my personal 
 estate, and have placed the cash to your credit on 
 Joey's behalf Joey is the name," he explained 
 punctiliously, " by which Miss Gaymer is known 
 to her intimate friends * at the Law Courts 
 Branch of the Home Counties Bank. . . . The 
 rest of my property is set down and duly disposed 
 of in my will, and cannot be touched until my 
 death is authenticated.'" 
 
 "I hope there was a respectable sum in the 
 bank," said Mr. Haliburton, his spirits rising 
 again. 
 
 Hughie opened the pass-book. 
 
 "When I went to the bank in question," he 
 said, " and asked to be allowed to see the amount 
 of my balance, I was handed this pass-book. 
 From it you will gather the exact value of Miss 
 Gaymer' s fortune at the moment when I took 
 over the management of her affairs." 
 
 He handed the book to Mr. Haliburton. That
 
 362 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 devout lover glanced eagerly at the sum indi- 
 cated on the balance-line and turned a delicate 
 green. 
 
 "You see?" said Hughie calmly, taking the 
 book back. "One hundred pounds sterling! A 
 poor exchange for five thousand, Mr. Halibur- 
 ton!" 
 
 "Where is the money?" said Haliburton 
 thickly. 
 
 "That I can't tell you. But you will see by the 
 book and this duly endorsed cheque," he 
 picked a pink slip out of the dispatch-box, 
 " that the sum of thirty-nine thousand, nine hun- 
 dred pounds the amount he had put in a few 
 days before, less one hundred was drawn out 
 of the bank, in a lump, by my uncle himself the 
 day before he sailed. Why he did it, I can't imag- 
 ine. He must have changed his plans suddenly. 
 All I know is that he has put me in a very tight 
 place as a trustee, and you in a much tighter one 
 as a suitor, Mr. Haliburton!" 
 
 He took the cheque from the hands of the de- 
 moralized Haliburton, and closed the dispatch- 
 box. 
 
 There was a long silence. At length Hughie 
 said : 
 
 " I presume I may take it that you now desire 
 to withdraw from this engagement?" 
 
 "You may!" said Mr. Haliburton emphati-
 
 LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 363 
 
 cally. He was too deeply chagrined to play his 
 part any longer. 
 
 Hughie surveyed him critically. 
 
 " You're a direct rascal, Spratt," he said ; "you 
 are no more hypocritical than you need be. But 
 you're a rascal for all that. Well, I won't keep 
 you. Good afternoon!" 
 
 But Mr. Haliburton's quick-moving brain had 
 been taking in the altered situation, with its 
 strong and weak points so far as he himself was 
 concerned. He had not lived by his wits twenty 
 years for nothing. 
 
 "I suppose," he observed, reseating himself on 
 the corner of the writing-table, "it would be 
 indiscreet to inquire from what source the young 
 lady, with a capital of one hundred pounds ster- 
 ling, is at present deriving an income of appar- 
 ently three or four hundred a year?" 
 
 " Not only indiscreet, but positively unhealthy," 
 said Hughie, turning a dusky red. His fingers 
 were curling and uncurling. 
 
 Mr. Haliburton directed upon him what can 
 only be described as a depredatory eye. 
 
 "Don't you think, Mr. Marrable," he said, 
 " that it would be a good thing to square me ? I 
 could do with that five thousand. This is a cen- 
 sorious world, you know; and scandalous little 
 yarns are apt to get about when a young lady 
 accepts Hrrrumph ! ' '
 
 364 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 It was the last straw. Hughie's iron restraint 
 snapped at last. Both his and Mr. Haliburton's 
 impressions of the next few moments were dis- 
 tinctly blurred, but at the end of that period 
 Hughie, breathing heavily and feeling as if he 
 had just won a valuable prize in a consolation 
 race, found himself facing Jimmy Marrable, who 
 had entered the door just as Love (as represented 
 by Mr. Haliburton) flew out of the window. 
 
 "Hallo, Hughie!" 
 
 "Hallo, Uncle Jimmy! Half a mo' !" 
 
 Mr. Haliburton, seated dizzily in a rose-bed in 
 the garden, heard Hughie's step returning to the 
 French window above his head. A walking-stick 
 suddenly speared itself in the soil beside him, and 
 a pair of gloves and a Homburg hat pattered 
 delicately down upon his upturned countenance ; 
 while Hughie's voice intimated that there was a 
 swift and well-cushioned train back to town at 
 six-twenty. 
 
 Then, closing the window and leaving Mr. Hal- 
 iburton to extract himself tenderly from his bed 
 of roses, cursing feebly the while and ruminating 
 bitterly upon the unreliability of proverbial expres- 
 sions, Hughie turned to the room again. It had 
 just occurred to him that in the heat of the mo- 
 ment he had been a trifle cavalier in his reception 
 of a relative whom he had not seen for ten years, 
 and who he imagined had been dead for four.
 
 LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 365 
 
 Half an hour later Jimmy Marrable en- 
 quired : 
 
 " Would it be too much to ask whom you were 
 throwing out of the window when I came in ?" 
 
 " Friend of Joey's," said Hughie briefly. "And 
 now, Uncle Jimmy," he added, with clouding 
 brow, the joy of battle was overpast, and the 
 horizon was dark with the wings of all kinds of 
 chickens coming home to roost, "I should like 
 to inform you that you and your financial methods 
 have put me in a devil of a hole. I want an ex- 
 planation." 
 
 "Right. Fire away!" 
 
 " Well, when I took on the job bequeathed to 
 me by you of administering Joan's affairs, I dis- 
 covered that instead of being an heiress, the child 
 was practically penniless. For some idiotic reason 
 best known to yourself, you no sooner put money 
 into the bank for her than you dragged it all out 
 again. Consequently I discovered that I was 
 booked to manage the affairs of a girl whom 
 everybody thought to be the possessor of pots of 
 money, but whose entire capital" he picked 
 up the pass-book "amounted in reality to one 
 hundred pounds sterling." 
 
 "Correct!" said Jimmy Marrable. "Pro- 
 ceed!" 
 
 "If," continued Hughie in an even and busi- 
 nesslike tone, " Joan had been prepared to marry
 
 366 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 me, the money would n't have mattered, as she 
 could have had mine. Unfortunately that event 
 did not occur." 
 
 "Did she know she had n't any money when 
 you asked her to marry you ?" enquired Jimmy 
 Marrable. 
 
 "No." 
 
 " And did she go on refusing you after you had 
 informed her she was a pauper?" 
 
 Hughie had seen this question coming from 
 afar. He turned a delicate carmine. His uncle 
 surveyed him, and nodded comprehendingly. 
 
 "Quite so!" he said. "Quite so! You never 
 told her." 
 
 "No," said Hughie, "I hadn't the heart. It 
 seemed like like trying to coerce her into mar- 
 rying me. No, I just let her imagine that she had 
 a tidy little fortune invested, and that she could 
 live on the interest three hundred a year. I 
 I found that sum for her, and she took it all right. 
 After all, she was a woman, and women will 
 swallow almost anything you tell them about 
 money matters. If they jib at all, all you have 
 to do is to surround yourself with a cloud of 
 technicalities, and they cave in at once. I think 
 Joey was a little surprised at not getting more, 
 for she had thought herself a bit of an heiress; 
 but she never said a word. In fact, she was so 
 kind about it that I saw she was convinced I had
 
 LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 367 
 
 made a mess of things somewhere, and must be 
 protected accordingly. She put it all down to 
 my usual incompetence, I suppose, as far as 
 I can see, she considers me a born fool, and 
 accepted the situation loyally." 
 
 "She would do that," said Jimmy Marrable. 
 
 "Well," continued Hughie, "Joan was all 
 right, but everybody else was the devil. An awful 
 girl friend of hers, called Harbord " 
 
 "I know twelve per cent!" gurgled Jimmy 
 Marrable. 
 
 "Yes. Well, she came and gave me beans to 
 begin with. Then young Lance began to suspect 
 me, he never could stand me at any price, 
 and he came and raised Cain one day at a lunch- 
 eon-party I was giving but, by the way, that's 
 all right now ; Lance has come round completely. 
 Even the Leroys could n't conceal their convic- 
 tion that I had made a bungle somewhere an 
 honest bungle, of course, but a bungle. And fin- 
 ally an unutterable sweep called Haliburton came 
 along. I knew something of him so much, in 
 fact, that it never occurred to me that there was 
 anything to fear from him. But he got the master- 
 grip on me when every one else had failed. Joey 
 our Joey fell in love with him and promised 
 to marry him!" 
 
 " I have heard nothing of this. What sort of 
 fellow is he?" enquired Jimmy Marrable.
 
 868 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 " Much the same type, I should say, as the late 
 lamented Gaymer, senior." 
 
 "Are you sure about her falling in love?" 
 continued Jimmy Man-able, in a puzzled voice. 
 
 "Looks like it," said Hughie. "I was away 
 yesterday, and got back early this morning. I 
 found a note from Joey on my dressing-table, 
 saying that Haliburton had proposed to her, and 
 that she was sending him along to me to ask for 
 my consent. She would n't have gone as far as 
 that if she did n't if she did n't" His voice 
 shook. "It was a pill for me, Uncle Jimmy!" 
 
 "What did you do ?" said Jimmy Marrable. 
 
 " I did this. I knew quite well that if Joey 
 loved him" the words came from between his 
 clenched teeth "she would stick to him, black- 
 guard or not. She's that sort." 
 
 "She is. Well?" 
 
 " I came to the conclusion that if there was to 
 be a rupture of the engagement it must come 
 from him." 
 
 "You made him break it off?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " How ? By throwing him out of the window ?" 
 
 " No. That would have been no good if he was 
 really after her money. I simply told him the 
 truth the whole truth about her bank bal- 
 ance, and so on. That did it. He backed out all 
 right."
 
 LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 369 
 
 Jimmy Marrable rubbed his hands. 
 
 "And then?" 
 
 "And then ideas began to occur to him " 
 
 "Exactly. He began to ask questions to 
 make innuendoes " 
 
 "Yes. I then threw him out of the window. 
 It was some consolation. That is the story." 
 
 Hughie turned away, and gazed dejectedly 
 into the fender. Presently Jimmy Marrable 
 remarked : 
 
 "And meanwhile the fat is in the fire ?" 
 
 "It is," said Hughie bitterly. "Uncle Jimmy, 
 what will she think? Everything is bound to 
 come out now, that fellow will run about tell- 
 ing everybody, and when she hears of the 
 cruel position I've placed her in she'll never speak 
 to me again. We shan't even be ordinary good 
 friends now. Poor little girl! I've done her 
 the worst turn a man can do a woman; and I 
 would have died for her cheerfully!" 
 
 Hughie leaned against the tall mantelpiece 
 and dropped his head upon his arms. "Joey! 
 Joey!" he murmured to himself, very softly. 
 
 Jimmy Marrable retired to a remote corner 
 of the room, where he spent some time selecting 
 a cigar from Jack Leroy's private locker. Pre- 
 sently he returned. Observing that his nephew 
 was apparently not quite ready to resume the 
 conversation, he spent some time in lighting the
 
 370 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 cigar, bridging over the silence with a rumbling 
 soliloquy. 
 
 " It is a blessing to be back on dry land again," 
 he observed, "where cigars will keep in decent 
 condition. No more green weeds for me ! What 
 I like is a good crisp Havana that splits open 
 if you squeeze the end, instead of " 
 
 Hughie once more stood erect on the hearth- 
 rug. The fit had passed. 
 
 Jimmy Marrable eyed him curiously. 
 
 " Hughie, boy," he said, "it was a mad, mad 
 scheme. Why did you do it?" 
 
 Hughie turned upon him, and blazed out 
 suddenly. 
 
 " Why ? " he cried. "Because there was nothing 
 else to do ! Do you think I would let our Joey 
 no, damn it ! my Joey go out as a governess or 
 a chorus-girl yes, she actually suggested that ! 
 when I could keep her happy and comfortable 
 by telling one little white lie ? It may have been 
 a mad thing to do; but it was a choice of evils, 
 and I 'd do it again ! So stuff that up your cigar 
 and smoke it!" 
 
 "Silly young owl!" remarked Jimmy Mar- 
 rable. He lit his cigar with fastidious care, and 
 continued : 
 
 "I suppose you want an explanation from me 
 now?" 
 
 "Yes."
 
 LOVE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW 371 
 
 "Well, the withdrawal of that money was an 
 eleventh-hour notion. It suddenly occurred to 
 me that you, with your imbecile ideas about 
 honour and filthy lucre, and so forth, might feel 
 squeamish about making love to a girl with a 
 fat bank balance. So just before I sailed I drew 
 the money out, imagining that by so doing I 
 should be removing the only obstacle to a happy 
 union between you and Joey. The entire affair 
 was intended to be a walk-over for you. Between 
 us, we seem to have made a bonny mess of things. 
 Hughie, we Marrables are not cut out for fem- 
 inine fancy work.'* 
 
 "What is to be done now?" said Hughie 
 gloomily. 
 
 "I have thought of that," said Jimmy Mar- 
 rable. "When a man gets in a hopeless tangle of 
 any kind, his best plan is to ask a woman to help 
 him out. That is what we shall have to do. Wait 
 here a few minutes." 
 
 He turned towards the door. 
 
 "Mildred Leroy won't be in for half an hour 
 yet," called Hughie after him, "so it's no good 
 looking for her." 
 
 "All right!" replied Jimmy Marrable's voice 
 far up the stairs.
 
 CHAPTER XX 
 
 SINFUL WASTE OF A PENNY STAMP 
 
 TEN minutes passed. Hughie, leaning heavily 
 against the frame of the French window, gazed 
 listlessly out at a squirrel which was inviting him 
 to a game of hide-and-seek from the far side of a 
 tree-trunk. 
 
 "One thing," he mused, "I shall be able to 
 go abroad again now. No more of this " 
 
 There was the faintest perceptible rustle be- 
 hind him. Joan must have come in very quietly, 
 for the door was shut and she was sitting on the 
 corner of the writing-table, exactly where the 
 recently-departed Haliburton had been posing, 
 
 swinging her feet and surveying her late guard- 
 ian's back. In her hand she held a pink slip of 
 paper. 
 
 Hughie never forgot the picture that she pre- 
 sented at that moment. She was dressed in white 
 
 something workmanlike and unencumbering 
 
 with a silver filigree belt around her waist. She 
 wore a battered Panama hat the sort of head- 
 gear affected by "coons" of the music-hall per- 
 suasion with a wisp of pale blue silk twisted 
 round it. The evening sun, streaming through the
 
 WASTE OF A STAMP 373 
 
 most westerly of the windows, glinted on her hair, 
 her belt, and the silver buckles on her shoes. 
 Hughie caught his breath. 
 
 Joan spoke first. 
 
 "Here's something for you, Hughie," she said. 
 
 Hughie took the proffered slip of paper. It was 
 a cheque, made out to himself and signed by 
 Jimmy Marrable. 
 
 "I think that covers all the expense to which 
 you have been put on my account while Uncle 
 Jimmy has been away," said Joan. Her voice 
 sounded gruff and businesslike. 
 
 Hughie examined the cheque. *' Yes," he said, 
 "it does." 
 
 "It was very good of you," said Joan formally, 
 "to advance me so much money. I had no idea 
 you were doing it. Apparently you might never 
 have got it back again." 
 
 Hughie gazed at her curiously. He began to 
 grasp the situation. He was to be whitewashed : 
 the compromising past was to be decently buried, 
 and "Temporary Loan" was to be its epitaph. 
 
 "Never mind that," he said awkwardly. "All 
 in the day's work, you know ! Afraid I was a rot- 
 ten trustee." 
 
 Suddenly Joan's demeanour changed. 
 
 "And now, my man," she said briskly, "will 
 you be good enough to explain what you mean by 
 compromising a lady in this way?"
 
 374 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 Hughie looked at her for a moment in dismay. 
 Then he saw that her eyes were twinkling, and he 
 heaved a sudden sigh of incredulous relief. He 
 was forgiven! 
 
 "Joey!" he said, " Joey, you mean to say 
 you're not angry?" 
 
 "Furious!" replied Miss Gaymer, smiling in 
 her old friendly fashion. 
 
 "Thank God!" said Hughie. 
 
 Miss Gaymer changed the subject, rather hur- 
 riedly. 
 
 "There's something else I want to ask you," 
 she said. "Will you kindly inform me what has 
 become of my ahem! young man ?" 
 
 " Who ?" said Hughie. " Oh, that chap ? He is 
 gone." 
 
 "Gone? Where?" 
 
 "London, I should think." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 "In the first place, because I told him about 
 your I mean I would n't advise you to ask 
 me, Joey. You see I should hate " 
 
 "You would hate," said Miss Gaymer, com- 
 ing to his rescue, "to say 'I told you so!' I 
 know, Hughie. It's like you, and I love you 
 for it." 
 
 Hughie winced. These colloquial terms of en- 
 dearment are sometimes rather tantalising. Still, 
 he must not mind that. The girl, too, had had her
 
 WASTE OF A STAMP 375 
 
 disappointment, and was bearing herself bravely. 
 At least 
 
 " Joey," he said suddenly, "did you really care 
 for that bloke?" 
 
 The lady on the table stiffened suddenly. 
 
 "What that poisonous bounder?" She 
 rolled up her eyes. "My che-ild!" 
 
 "But you let him make love to you.'* 
 
 "Did I? I suppose you were there," observed 
 Miss Gaymer witheringly, "disguised as a Chi- 
 nese lantern!" 
 
 "Well, what did you do, then?" 
 
 "He asked me to be his blushing bride," said 
 the unfeeling Miss Gaymer, "and tried to grab 
 my hand. I squinted down my nose, and looked 
 very prim and sweet, and thought we had better 
 be getting back to the ballroom, and he could 
 talk to Mr. Marrable in the morning. If that's 
 your idea of allowing people to make love, dear 
 friend " 
 
 "But you you promised to marry him!" 
 said poor Hughie. 
 
 Joan stared at him. 
 
 "Do you mean to tell me, Hughie," she said 
 slowly, "that he told you that?" 
 
 "Yes with one or two corroborative details. 
 That was why I had to tell him everything, you 
 know. It was the only way, I thought, to choke 
 him off."
 
 376 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 " O o oh ! " Miss Gaymer wriggled indig- 
 nantly. "The creature! And when he heard I 
 had no money, he cried off?" 
 
 Hughie bowed his head. Joan gave a low 
 gurgling laugh. 
 
 "There's no getting over it, Hughie !" she said. 
 "He scored. A nasty slap for little me! But I 
 deserved it, for trying to trifle with his young 
 affections. Well, you have given me one reason 
 for his departure. What was the other?" 
 
 Hughie eyed her in some embarrassment. 
 Then he said, 
 
 "He began to talk about you, Joey, in a way 
 I did n't like, so I " 
 
 His eye slid round towards the window, and 
 then downward in the direction of his right foot. 
 A smile crept over his troubled face, and he 
 glanced at Joan. 
 
 "Oh, Hughie, did you ?" she exclaimed raptur- 
 ously. 
 
 "Yes. He landed in that rose-bed. Look!" 
 
 Joey shuffled off the table and joined him by 
 the window. A few feet below them, on the rose- 
 bed, lay the unmistakable traces of the impact 
 of a body falling from rest with an acceleration 
 due to something more than the force of gravity. 
 
 Joan cooed softly, evidently well pleased. 
 Hughie turned and regarded her with a puzzled 
 expression. No man ever yet fathomed the work-
 
 WASTE OF A STAMP 377 
 
 ings of the feminine mind, but he never quite 
 gives up trying to do so. 
 
 "Are you glad that he got thrown out?" he 
 asked. 
 
 Joan pondered. 
 
 "It's not exactly that," she said. "I'm not 
 glad he was thrown out : it must have hurt him, 
 poor dear! But I'm glad you threw him out, if 
 you understand the difference." 
 
 Hughie was not at all sure that he did, but he 
 nodded his head in a comprehending manner. 
 Then he continued : 
 
 "Tell me, Joey, if you didn't care for him, 
 why did you send him to me, instead of giving 
 him the knock direct?" 
 
 Joey surveyed her retired "warder" with eyes 
 half-closed. 
 
 " Well," she said reflectively, " there were heaps 
 of reasons, but you are a man and would n't un- 
 derstand any of them. But, roughly speaking, it 
 was because I wanted to see how you would han- 
 dle him. I knew you would n't let him marry me, 
 of course, but I wanted to see how you would 
 play your cards. (You simply don't know how 
 fascinating these things are to watch.) Besides, I 
 thought it would be good for him to come face to 
 face with a mow," she added, almost below 
 her breath. 
 
 "I only got the best of him," said Hughie
 
 378 THE UNJUST STEWARD 
 
 humbly, "by laying all my cards on the table. 
 There's not much finesse required for a game 
 like that." 
 
 "Still, you won," said Joan. 
 
 Hughie sighed. 
 
 " Haliburton lost, if you like," he said ; " I don't 
 quite see what / " 
 
 "No you won!" said a very small but very 
 insistent voice by his side. 
 
 Hughie turned sharply. Miss Gaymer was 
 breathing expansively upon the glass of the win- 
 dow, and assiduously scribbling a pattern thereon 
 with her finger an infantile and unladylike 
 habit of which her nurse thought she had cured 
 her at the age of eight. Also, her cheeks were 
 aglow, and that with a richness of colouring which 
 sufficed to convey some glimmerings of intelli- 
 gence even into the brain of the obtuse young man 
 beside her. Hughie suddenly felt something inside 
 his head begin to buzz. His gigantic right hand 
 (which still contained Jimmy Marrable's cheque 
 tucked in between two fingers) closed cautiously 
 but comprehensively upon Joan's left, which 
 was resting on the window-frame, much as a 
 youthful entomologist's net descends upon an 
 unwary butterfly. 
 
 " Joey," he said unsteadily, " Joey, what do 
 you mean ?" 
 
 Miss Gaymer sighed, in the resigned but per-
 
 WASTE OF A STAMP 379 
 
 severing fashion of a patient Sunday-school 
 teacher. Then she slipped her hand from under 
 Hughie's, extracting as she did so the folded 
 cheque from between his fingers. Hughie watched 
 her dumbly. 
 
 Joan unfolded the cheque, and perused it in 
 a valedictory sort of manner. Then she kissed it 
 softly. Then she tore it up very slowly into small 
 pieces. 
 
 She sighed again pensively, and said : 
 
 " There goes my ransom ! It 's a wicked waste 
 of a cheque-stamp ! Now," she added cheer- 
 fully, "I am compromised worse than ever. 
 Hughie, dear, I really think, after this, that 
 you '11 have to Ough ! Hughie ! Hughie!" 
 
 For blind, groping Hughie's eyes were open 
 at last. With an exultant whole-hearted roar he 
 initiated a sudden enveloping movement; and 
 then, turning away from the fierce light that 
 beats upon actions performed at a window, 
 strode majestically (if rather top-heavily) towards 
 a great leather sofa in a secluded corner beyond 
 the fireplace. The scandalised Miss Gaymer, 
 owing to circumstances over which she had no 
 control, accompanied him.
 
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