33 
 
 Colman 
 The Spleen
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES

 
 THE 
 
 S P L E E N, 
 
 O R, 
 ISLINGTON SPA-, 
 
 A 
 COMICK PIECE, 
 
 OF ^ 
 
 TWO . A c T S. 
 
 As IT is PERFORMED AT THE 
 
 THEATRE ROYAL, in DRURY-LANE. 
 Bv GEORGE C O L M A X. 
 
 DUBLIN: 
 
 Printed for Meffrs. Price, Corcoran, Chamberlain, Eur- 
 rowes, J. Hoey, Potts, Williams, \V. Colles, Buinet, 
 Armitage, Walker, Jenkin, P. Wilion, Higly, Mon- 
 crieffe, Mills, Wogao, Bonham, Colbert, Beatty, Talbot. 
 
 : 1 D C C L X X V I .
 
 32.5SA D V E R T I S E M E N T. 
 
 TH E Malade Imaginaire of Moliere fiift fug- 
 gefttd the idea of The Spleen, the Author of 
 which has however deviated without fcruple from 
 his admirable original. Th* readers of the agreeable 
 effiys under the title of The Idler, will alfo difcover 
 fome traits of D'Oyley in that writer's defcription 
 of Drugget's retirement, as well as fome features of 
 Kubrick in his character of Whirler. Any other 
 gleanings, as the Prologue neatly terms them, I do 
 not recollect, except that I have before exhibited a 
 young Cantabrigian at Newmarket, in one of the 
 Numbers of The ConnoiflVur j in which papers, as 
 well as other popular efTays, there are alfo frequent 
 allufions to the ftiort excurfions and fuburb villas 
 of our citizens. - It has (I am told) been aiTerted 
 in one of our daily prints the Gazetteer, or Gar- 
 retteer I forget the name of it that for the idea 
 of the Noon-Poft I am indebted to my deceafed friend 
 BONNET, THORNTON. Nobody was more ca- 
 pable of giving excellent hints ; there was nobody 
 whofe hints I would more readily have embraced, 
 or more chearfully acknowledged. But the afler- 
 tion is totally falfe. It is not the firft time that my 
 enemies have paid me a compliment they did not in- 
 tend, by afcribing my feeble productions to more 
 eminent writers. I will endeavour not to be vain 
 of their cenfures ; though perhaps they will think 
 me fo, in adopting the words of Terence on the 
 occafion. 
 
 - Quod i s T i dicunt M A L E v o L i , famines nob-la 
 Earn adjutare, ajfidueque unafcribere : 
 Hfodilli malediftum vehement effe exijiimant, 
 Earn laudem hie ducit maximam, cum illis placet t 
 Qui <vobis univerjis & f>opu/o flacent. 
 
 A 2 
 
 8812'
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 Written by DAVID GARRICK,Efq ; 
 Spoken by Mr. K I N G. 
 
 THO' Prologues mtt), at blackberries are plenty, 
 And like them maukijb too, nineteen in twenty ; 
 Ttt yoa teill ha-He them, -w!:en their d*te is o'er, 
 ^W Prologue, Prologue, Jlillycitr tchcurs rtaf , 
 TillJsxeJ'ucb difmal phiz as mine antes an, j 
 
 Ladies and Gentlemen indeed there's r.:ne, C 
 
 The Prologue, Author, Speaker, all are dead and gsnt ! J 
 Thefe reafons have fume weight, and flop the nut 5 
 Tcu clap -I ftnirk and tlus ge fringing out ; 
 " While living call me , f, r yexr pL-afure ufe me ; 
 " SheulJ I tip cffI P<>f>c ysu'llttsn exfufe'tne. 
 
 So much fir Prologues and n:<w enter Farce. 
 Sbail I a fcene, I lately beard, rekeafff ? 
 The Place, the Park ; the Dramatis Perfcn*, 
 Two female wits, with each a maccanni. 
 Prithee, Lord Flimfey-*- -what 'i this thing at Drarj f 
 'This Spleen > 'Tis l:*v , dann"d low, Ma'am I ajjuri yt, 
 Ce'ft Vrai mi Lor ! we nciu feel no fucb evil y 
 Never itrc haunted taiih a vapcurijb devil. 
 In pleafurei round we -whirl it from the brain, 
 You rattle it away -with Seven's the Main I 
 In upper life ice have no Spleen or gall ; 
 And asftr otbir Life, it is na life at all. 
 
 What can I fay in our far Bard^s behalf f 
 He hopes that lower life may make you laugb t 
 May not a trader tvbg Jball bafinefs drop. 
 Suiting at once bis eld accuftom'd Jbop t 
 In Fancy thro' a cturfe of pleafures run, 
 Retiring to his feat at Iflington ? 
 Jndeffalfe dreams of bappinefs brim-full, 
 Be at his Villa, miferably dullf 
 fViu'd he not IJlington's fine air forego, 
 Cm'd be again be (boafrdin Butcher
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 Injbsfuing clttb, renew his far Kir pleafure, 
 
 Surpafi'd by none, but that of clipping meafure. 
 
 The mafter of this (hop too fee ks repsfe, T 
 
 Sells cff bis flock in trade bis verfe and prof e, 
 
 His daggers, bujkins, thunder, lightning, and ild cktbe i. J 
 
 Will he in rural Jbadei find eafe and quiet f 
 
 Oh no f 
 
 He'll figb fur Drury, and feek peace in rl:i. 
 
 Nature of ysre prevailed thro" human kind, 
 Ti low and middle life, jbe 's noia ccnfin'd. 
 ''T'was there the choic eft dramatifls have fought her ; 
 'T=wat there Moliere, there Jonfon, Shakefpear, caught ber r 
 Then let our gleaning Bard ivith Jafety cttnr, 
 T) fifk up ftraivs y dropt .from their barvejl fomt.
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Afpin, _ 
 
 Merton, 
 
 Kubrick, 
 
 Jack Kubrick, 
 
 Folio, 
 
 Clerk, 
 Mac-hoof, 
 Merlon's Servant, 
 
 Mr. Parfons 
 Mr. Baddeley, 
 Mr. Brereton, 
 Mr. King, 
 Mr. Palmer, 
 Mr. Wrighten, 
 Mr. Whitefield, 
 Mr. Moody, 
 Mr. La-Mafh. 
 
 Mrs. Kubrick, ^ 
 
 Mrs. Hopkins, 
 
 Mrs. Tabitha, . _ 
 
 Mrs. Love, 
 
 Eliza, 
 Ltetitia, < -_ 
 
 Mifs P. Hopkins, 
 Mrs. King, 
 
 Maid, 
 
 Mrs. E|avies. 
 
 I
 
 THE 
 
 SPLEEN 
 
 o R, 
 
 ISLINGTON SPA. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE, a Street near St. Paul's. 
 MERTON alone. 
 
 H 
 
 O W tedious is the time, when expectation 
 obliges us to mark its progrefs I Here have I been 
 near an hour and an half, watching the dial of St. 
 Paul's, and counting the minutes, in hopes of 
 news from my Eliza. It is now almoft noon ; where 
 can this rafcal of mine be loitering ? Oh ; here he 
 
 Enter S E R v A x r . 
 
 Well, firrah ! what intelligence ? 
 
 Servant. A Gazette Extraordinary, Sir! I have 
 been upon the fcout ever fince they opened the fhap 
 
 windows,
 
 2 THE SPLEEN; OR, 
 
 windows, and I'm as full of news as the Morning 
 Chronicle. 
 
 Merton. Out with it ! Where is my Eliza ? 
 
 Servant. In town, Sir. 
 
 Merton. And her mother ? 
 
 Servant. In town too, Sir. 
 
 Merton. And her father? 
 
 Servant. Out of town, Sir. 
 
 Merton. And I thought my Eliza was with him ? 
 
 Servant. So fhe was, Sir Father and daughter 
 both in the country that is, if you call Iflington 
 out of town. 
 
 Merton. Iflington ? 
 
 Servant. Yes, Sir, Iflington. Her father, Mr. 
 Rubrick, has taken lodgings at Iflington Spa for the 
 fumnref, Sir ; and Madam Eliza attended him 
 there. And is now returned to fetch Mrs. Rubrick 
 from Paternofter-Row, to join her hufband at Ifling- 
 ton. 
 
 Merton. How did you learn this ? 
 
 Servant. From your merry coufin, Mrs. Lzetitia, 
 Sir. 
 
 Merton. Latitia .' where did you fee her ? 
 
 Servant. At Madam Eliza's, Sir. She faw me 
 from the dining room window, fent for me in, 
 told me all I have told you, charging me to be 
 fure on no account to acquaint you with a word of 
 it ! (archly. 
 
 Merton. No, to be fure .'Excellent girl Well; 
 away to my lodgings, firrah ; and wait for further 
 orders. 
 
 Servant. I am gone, Sir. (going returns) But 
 here's a young lady in the cafe- 
 
 Merton. And what then, Sir ? 
 
 Servant. Only have a care of the Police, Sir ! 
 Don't make a Bow-ftreet affair of it. Her father 
 is a common council man too : he may take you 
 before the Lord Mayor, or the Sitting Alderman ; 
 or 
 
 Merton. Away, rafcal ! Do you banter ? 
 Servant. I am gone, I a:n gone, Sir. {Exit. 
 
 Merton.
 
 ISLINGTON SPA. j 
 
 Merton. My Eliza juft come to town ! My arrival 
 is critical. Now, though old Kubrick has banifhed 
 me his houfe, could I but contrive to get a fight of 
 my mad-cap coufm, Lsetitia, fhe might perhaps be 
 able to introduce me. Suppofe I go and reconnoitre 
 a little ! (going) Jack Rubrick ! 
 
 Enter JACK RUBRICK. 
 
 Jack Rubrick- What ! Tom Merton in England ? 
 and in London too ? My old friend and fchool-fel- 
 low ! how do you ? your hand, Torn ! I did not 
 think you had been in our hemisphere. A commif- 
 lion took you from us in the middle of Weftmin- 
 fter college ; and how has it difpofed of yoftfince, 
 Tom ? 
 
 Merton. For three years, my dear Jack, I have 
 been ftationed at Gibraltar, from whence I have 
 been returned, with the reft of the regiment, little 
 more than fo many months. 
 
 Jack Kubrick- So you have been ftudying the 
 Taclicks at the Hercules Pillars, while I have been 
 cudgelling the Mathematicks at Cambrigde. How 
 we diverge, like rays, from the fame centre ! We 
 walk through life together indeed, but feem hitherto, 
 like parallel lines, deftined never to meet. But I 
 am heartily glad of this encounter. 
 
 Merton. And I as heartily. But by your boots 
 and your language, Jack, I ihould imagine you to 
 be juft fre/K from the Univerfity. 
 
 Jack Rubrick. You have hit it. I am fo- Not 
 immediately though for I flew off in a tangent the 
 beginning of laft'week to Newmarket. It was the 
 fecond Spring meeting; and I chofe to take the 
 Sun's altitude on the courfe every day, make a 
 few obfervations (during the heats) upon matter 
 and motion, with as many calculations, as a Lot- 
 tery-Office- keeper, on the Do&rine of Chances. 
 
 Merton. What a hard ftudent ! But was there 
 good fport ? 
 
 Jack
 
 4 THE SPLEEN; OR, 
 
 Jack Kubrick. Sport! you talk as if you were 
 fpeak in gof a common country race. They never 
 think ot" port. It is all buftnefs at Newmarket, 
 man ! 
 
 Merton. Well, was the bufinefs good, then ? 
 
 Jack Kubrick. Many thought excellent j but it was 
 quite in an inverfe ratio to me, Tom ! Fourfcore 
 minus, I promife you. My quarter's allowance, 
 which I had juft received at Lady-day, (thirty 
 guineas !) gone- Reduced to fell my little horfe 
 Pbofpborus for thirty more ! Gone. And I was 
 obliged to give a promifTory note for twenty more. 
 So that if you understand Algebra but half fo well 
 as I do, Tom, you will find by all the powers of 
 numbers, that I was juft eighty guineas a lofer. 
 
 Merton- Thirty and thirty, and twenty ! Four- 
 fcore exactly, Jack ! I have juft fo much arithme- 
 tick. 
 
 Jack Kubrick. The woods were all hollow in my 
 favour too ! Were you ever at Newmarket ? 
 
 Merton- Never. 
 
 Jack Kubrick, 111 tell you then - It was a four 
 mile heat on the long courfe a match between Par>- 
 tbeon, Jubilee, Duenna, and Gabrielli ! At firft 
 going orf they kept pretty even together ; Jubilee 
 and Duenna, Pantheon and Gabrielli, cheek bf 
 jowl, and formed a kind of Parallelogram. When 
 they came to defcribe a circle on the Round Courfe, 
 you might almoft as foon have fquared the circle, 
 as have told which would be the winner. Then 
 away they went, whip and fpur, through the 
 Devils ditch, like the Devil himfelf ! Coming up 
 Choakjade, Pantheon lagged behind- Gabrielli, 
 though fome thought her touched in the wind, got 
 a-head of the other two; and fhe before, with 
 Jubilee and Duenna abreft of each other, formed 
 an equilateral triangle A thcufand pound to a 
 china orange on Gabrielli! when all of a fudden, 
 with a damned eccentrick motion, fhe made an acute 
 angle on the wrong fide of the poft Jubilee ftarted 
 and ftumbled but by the bye, I believe his rider
 
 ISLINGTON S P A. 5 
 
 played booty Duenna won the ftakes, and the 
 knowing ones were all taken in. 
 
 Merton. And poor Jack Kubrick into the bargain. 
 
 Jack Kubrick- Poor indeed, Tom! I difcovered 
 as abfolute a vacuum in my breeches pockets, as in 
 thofe of a heathen philofopher : I would fain have 
 been among the red ribbands and black legs at Hell 
 in the evening, and tried my luck with toiling the 
 cubes about but not a fingle guinea left to bribe 
 my fortune, or take me oiF the courfe. By good 
 luck, Frank Whip of Clare Hall was there, and 
 being on a fchcme to London, brought me up to 
 town in his phaeton- 
 
 Merton. And what's your bufinefs here, Jack ? 
 
 Jack Rubrick. Partly to get a freih recruit from 
 Old Square-toes. I might have made out a lift of 
 mathematical books for a ftfpply but as the Devil 
 will have it, he fells books liimfelf, you know. So 
 there's no hopes in that quarter but I was obliged 
 to come up, in order to attend the marriage of my 
 fitter Eli/a. 
 
 Merton. The marriage of your lifter Eliza ! to 
 whom, pray ? 
 
 Jack Rubrick. To old D'Oyley, the rich draper, 
 that kept the three fheep behind St. Clement's did 
 you never hear of him ? 
 
 Merton. I have- But Eliza will never be his 
 wife, Jack. 
 
 Jack Rubrick. Ay, but fhe will though ! He may 
 like her, and flie not like him, it is true, Tom. 
 There may be all the powers of attraction and re- 
 pulfion between them, perhaps. But they'll be 
 married within thefe ten days, for all that, my 
 friend. 
 
 Merton. Impoflible. 
 
 Jack Rubrick. Impoflible ! why fo, Tom ? 
 
 Merton. Becaufe ihe is married already. 
 
 Jack Rubrick. The devil flie is ! That's folv ing 
 the problem with a vengeance- But to whom ? 
 
 Merton. Even to your old friend and fchool fel- 
 low. To me, Jack. 
 
 B Jack
 
 6 THE SPLEEN: OR, 
 
 Jai Rubr'uk- To you i 1 am gh ! of it. 
 
 But Old Squaret es ki.ov.-s "hn, : this? 
 n. Not a -liable. 
 
 JackRubrick. Nor my mother. 
 
 Mtrftn. Neither. The rpei- .~uf[_; '-n c f try 
 fomlnefs, and crnviclion of inv half pay, has 
 baniflied me the houfe : and I am fit this moment 
 rather in ambufh,, endeavouring to make an itn- 
 prefllon. 
 
 JackRubrick. And I will be your chief engineer, 
 Tom. Come along ! Ill introduce you. I am as 
 happy at this intelligence, as if I had found a 
 paflage to the North Pole, or difcovered the lon- 
 gitude. Come along with me ! Never fhall it be 
 laid, if I can help it, that one Old Weftminfter 
 deferted another. Come along, Tom! [Exeunt- 
 
 Scene changes to an apartment in the boufe of Mr. 
 Rubrick, Paternofter-Roiu. 
 
 MAID and Mrs. T A B i T H A packing. 
 
 Mrs. Tabitha. Come, make hafte, Molly, make 
 hafte ; my filter will be here prefently. 
 
 Maid. Lord, I does, Ma'am. I makes all the 
 hafte as I can- Here's fuch a rumpus about my 
 mift efs going out of town indeed. 
 
 Mti. Tubitba. Well, well ; a rolling (tone's al- 
 ways b.re of mofs, as you fay. But have you 
 cord:0 t.ie band boxes ? 
 
 Maid. Ay that I have fi he-re they ftand all 
 of a row piled one o'top oYother more than 
 they'll fluff into the feats, the boot, and the baflcet, 
 I warrant them. There's blond rufHes, and gauze 
 handkerchiefs, and cabbage-net caps, with ^ires 
 ar.d wir.kers, enough to fet up one of the milliners 
 in the Cloifters of Chrift church Hofpital ! 
 
 Mti. Tabitha. Well, well ; a (lore's no fore, as 
 they lay. Have you papered the neats' tongues, 
 and the cold chickens ? and put up the lettuce ard 
 cabbage:, from the cellar in Honey-lane market ? 
 
 Nothing .
 
 ISLINGTON SPA. 7 
 
 Nothing like frejb provifions in the country, you 
 know- We muft fend them from London every 
 day. They lliall have them frefli, and frefli I 
 warrant you. Are they all ready, Molly ? 
 
 Maid. Yes, yes they are allreauy; fowls, tongues, 
 and cabbages, all ready ma'am. Ah, I willies to 
 heaven as how my dnr brother, the corporal, and 
 the reft of the poor Chriftians at Bofton, had fome 
 of them ! 
 
 Enter Mrs. RUBRICK hajiily. 
 
 Mrs. Kubrick- Are you ready, Molly ? Are the 
 things all packed up, filler ? I have not a moment 
 to (pare. It's almoft one o'clock. I expel the 
 coach andtbtee at the corner every moment. 
 
 Maid. Coach and three ! Lord, Lord, here's things 
 enough to load a coach and fix, Ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Rubrick. The coachman makes us pay ac- 
 cordingly, you know. He weighs all the goods 
 and parcels at the end of the ROIU at the cheefemon- 
 ger's. And he's fo faucy too, he won't wait for 
 any body. Is Poll ready ? 
 
 Maid. Yes, Ma'am j little Mifs has been dreft 
 and ready this half hour. 
 
 Mrs. Rubrick. Little Mifs ! 'Pflia, I don't mean 
 the child. I mean the Parrot. You know I never 
 travel without it. One wants both company and 
 converfation in the country ; and Poll ferves for 
 both, you know. Go,_ run and fetch her in. Make 
 hafte, make hafte Molly. 
 
 Maid, (going out) Here's fuch a fufs indeed ! 
 
 {Exit. 
 
 Mrs.Tabitba. Aye, more hafte, worfe fpeed, I 
 fay. Keep your houfe, and your houfe will keep 
 you, as the old proverb goes. 
 
 Mrs- Rubrick. It's impoffible to keep in town all 
 the fummer, let the proverb go as it will, fitter 
 Tabby ! To be cooped up in the Ro<w, amidft the 
 fmell of the printing-houfe, and Dolly's beef ftakes, 
 all the dog days! No, give me frefli air, and 
 
 Iflington ! 
 B 2
 
 8 THE SPLEEN; OK, 
 
 Islington ! All the world fhut up their houfes in 
 London at this time of the year, and refort to the 
 watering places. 
 
 Mrs. Tabitba. So much the woife, fitter Rubrick! 
 I have never rejorted out of the found of Bow bell 
 thefe fifty years nor ever defired it -wintei or 
 fummer, all's one to Tabitha! And as to the 
 watering places, I'm told nobody goes there, that's 
 fit to go any where elfe. Cripples, and /harpers ! 
 pthificky old gentlewomen, and frolicktome young 
 ones ! Married ladies that want children, unmar- 
 ried ladies that want fweethearts, and gentlemen 
 that want money ! Newgate out of town, the Lon- 
 don Hofpital in the country, fifter ! 
 
 Mrs. Rubrick. Never more miftaken in your life, 
 fifter Tabby! There may be a little fcandal in- 
 deed ; but where there are agreeable men, and 
 handfome women, that's always the cafe, you know. 
 
 Mrs. Tabitba. Ay, ay, handfome is as handfome 
 does, as the old proverb goes. 
 
 Mrs. Rubrick. Does ! why they do every thing 
 that's polite and agreeable. And then the Spa ! 
 The Spa grows as genteel asTunbridge, Brigbthelm- 
 ftcne, Southapmton, or Margate. Live in the moft 
 fociable way upon earth all the company ac- 
 quainted with each other walks, balls, raffles, 
 nnd fubfcriptions ! Mrs Jenkins of the Three Blue 
 Balls, Mrs. Rummer and family from the King's 
 Arms, and feveral other people of condition to be 
 there this feafon ! And then Eliza's wedding, you 
 know ; that was owing to the Spa, you know : O 
 the watering places, are the only places to get young 
 women lovers and hufbands. 
 
 Mrs. Tabitba. Ay, they get loviers, oftener than 
 hulbands, I fear, fifter. 
 
 Mrs. Rubrick. Never do you fear us, my dear 
 Tabby ! If there ftiould be a little flirtation, Pru- 
 dence will prevent duels, or fuch terrible confc- 
 quencesj and as to gaming, I aflure you, I'll never 
 go above fixpence a rubber. 
 
 Mns.
 
 ISLINGTON SPA 9 
 
 Mrs. Tabitba. Ah, they never touched a card the 
 whole year through, on this fide of the Bar, in my 
 time, except at the round table at Chrillmas. 
 
 Mrs. Rubrick. In your time! Lord, what figni- 
 fies talking of your time ! You may as well expedl 
 St. Paul's clock to ftand ftill, as the fafhions not 
 to alter. Times will change, fifter. 
 
 Mrs- Tabitha. So much the worfe, fitter ! The 
 fun rifes and fets, and makes out the four and 
 twenty hours, and fo does St. Pauls clock, j'ift ssit 
 ufed to do, fifter ; but the people round St. Paul's 
 are all changed, fifter. Common-Council Men that 
 wear bag wigs, Aldermen that keep gilt coaches, 
 and Deputies that keep madams ! And then the 
 women, my own fed forfcoth, that ufed to ftudy 
 the Compleat Houfcwife, or fpend the fabbath in 
 reading the Practice of -Piety, read nothing bur. 
 Byte's games, and keep routs on a Sunday. Such 
 doings with their high heads, fqueezed ftomachs 
 broad bofoms, falfe hair, and fa He faces ! It was 
 not fo in my time. No neglidigees, or plummets 
 of feathers in my time fifter ! 
 
 Re-enter MAID and C L E R t . 
 
 Maid. The ftage waits at the end of Cheapfide, 
 Ma'am, and little Mifs and Poll are in the coach 
 already and the things are all in, Ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Rubrick. I'll be with* them immediately. 
 Eliza's brother is come, snd he'll walk over the 
 fields with her^-What young man's that, Molly ? 
 
 Maid. He wants inafter, Ma'am fo I have lent 
 for the foreman to fpeak to him Mr. Folio is but 
 juft ftept into the Chapter Coffee- houfe 
 
 Mrs. Rubrick. That's right, that's right, Molly. 
 The <breman will fpeak to you in a moment, young 
 man .'Well, heaven blefs you Tabby ! (kijjing) 
 Come! don't be uneafy, though the family are 
 at iuch a di fiance ! There's above forty coaches pafs 
 within an hundred yards of the place every day, 
 and you may hear of us every quarter of an hour. 
 
 B 3 Mr*.
 
 80 THE SPLEEN; OR, 
 
 Mrs Tabitba. Heaven fend I hears no harm of you ! 
 No news is good news fometimes, as the proverb 
 goes. 
 
 Mrs. Rttlrick. Well, but I muft go now, Tabby! 
 
 Mrs. Tabitha. And I'll go with you to the coach 
 door, fince you muft be gadding. Home's home, 
 though never fo homely ! (enter Folio) Oh ! here, 
 fpeak to the young man, Mr. Folio! [Exeunt Womt*. 
 
 Manent CL E R K and FOLIO, 
 
 Folio. Your pleafure, Sir ! 
 
 Clerk. A little bufinefs, Sir. A bill for an hun- 
 dred, accepted by Mr. Rubrick, and become due 
 this day, you fee ! (giving bill) 
 
 Folio. Let me fee Pleafe to pay urn urn tivo 
 hundred pounds um urn to Mr. Thomas Rubrick, 
 PaternoJier-Roiy accepted!?. R. I don't know what 
 to fay to thii I have no directions about it, and my 
 mafter's at Spa. 
 
 Clerk, The devil he is! then the bill will be noted, 
 that s ?tll Spa indeed ! 
 
 Folio. Nay, don't be fo furious. He's only at 
 Tunbridge Wells 
 
 Clerk. Tunbridge Wells ! The bill lies for pay- 
 ment at Dollar's and Co. in Birchin-lane, and if net 
 taken up this afternoon, will be protefted. Tun- 
 bridge qiioth'a I who is to wait, while your mailer is 
 fent to forty miles off and "back again ! 
 
 Fol.'o. Forty miles ! 'tis fcarce half a mile. The 
 New Tunbridge Wells. Islington Spa, you know, 
 (enter Afpin) Oh, here's my matter's kinfman, Mr. 
 Afpin. The bill's fafe enough, he'll fatisfy you. 
 
 Afpin. Hey day ! Squabbling ! What's the mat- 
 ter, Folio ? 
 
 Folio. O.ily a bill, Sir, become due to-day, and 
 prefenteci for payment but my matter left no or- 
 ders, and I don t know what to fay to it. 
 
 AJ'pin. Ah, the old game.' lam not at all fur- 
 prized at it. Such accidents happen every 'day. 
 And how fliall it be otherwife ! This comes of fj&t- 
 ting himfelf, and dividing his time between tf-p
 
 ISLINGTON S P A. 13 
 
 Mackboof. May I crave the favour of a word wi' 
 you ? 
 
 Rubrick. I was this moment going out, Sir. 
 
 Mackboof. 1 ha' fome particklar bufinefs. 
 
 Rubrick. Have you ? Well then I attend you, 
 fir ; and I'll fend word to the Globe that I can's 
 come ar ail. 
 
 dfpin. I thought fo j laft come firft ferved is your 
 rule, I fee. I have lo:ne particular bufinefs with 
 you too ; but I'll (lay until I can nail you down for 
 two minutes to liften to it. You are ftuck round 
 like the man in the Almanack : fo good day to you f 
 J'Jl go and fpeak to my god-daughter Eli/a, and 
 then call upon tnc old fool you mean to make your 
 fon-in-law. Good day to you ! (Exit) 
 
 Manent RUBRICS and MACHO OF. 
 
 Rubrick. And now what i; your bufinefs, fir ? 
 
 Mackboof. I undcrftond Maifter Rubrick, that 
 you deal \nbuks and medicines, and that you bland 
 the bible and cufhion with the peftle and mortar. I 
 ha' not, like many others of n;y countrymen, wret- 
 ten a buk, but I ha' invanted a medicine. 
 
 Rubrick. Did you ever ftudy phyfick ? 
 
 Mtickbyof. I ha' not neglacted the ftudy of phee- 
 fick ; I am wal rad in Bracken's Farriery, and Geb- 
 foa's Treatife ou the Difafes of Horfes 
 
 Rubrick. Did you ever practice ? 
 
 Machoof. Yes, bymyfaul, I pradifed three years 
 togather in Lothian's dragoons, and cured the horfes 
 of aw the hool reeg'ment. 
 
 Rubrick. Dragoons ! horfes ! Why this is all far- 
 riery. 
 
 Macboof. Wal, fir! 
 
 Ruhrick. Why what the devil are you a farrier ? 
 
 Macboof. Ay, by St. Andrew, a farrier. 
 
 Rubrick. A horfe- doctor ? 
 
 Macboof. Yas, a Doctor of Horfe. 
 
 Rubrick.
 
 14 THE SP LEEN; OR, 
 
 Rubrick Well, but Dcdtor, how ftiall I venture 
 to fell your medicine ? Why this horfe-iemedy will 
 fend my cuftomers out of the world full-gallop. 
 
 Macboof You are aw wrong. The animal ceco- 
 nomy in the hooman fpacies and equine is vary femi- 
 lar it's only the deefrence in the proportion o' the 
 dofes. Yo' may larn fra' Horace, that they are not 
 encompatible as he fweetly faings HOOMANO 
 capiti cervicem pecJor E QJT I N A M . 
 
 Rubrick. Well, if Horace fays fo But, Dodor, 
 I muft go fnacks, you know that. 
 
 Macboof. You Jhall ha' five i"hellins>;s j' thepoond. 
 Rubrick.' Five ? I'll have half. Ten, Doctor, or 
 1 doa't touch ir. 
 
 Machoof, You fliall ha' three half croons. 
 Rubrick. Half! half. 
 
 Macboof. Ah ! you're very hard. You fliall ha' 
 tan then. 
 
 Rubrick. Well then, let me fee ! Ay, fend me in 
 fifty dozen of bottles or powders, which ever it is, 
 for a trial. They'll go aniong country chapmen. 
 I'll advertife it in my new paper immediately. 
 
 Machoof. You fliall no' fail to ha' them. Your 
 
 fervant ! . [Going. 
 
 Rubrick. Oh, but Doftor f (Macb, returns] I 
 
 had forgot. What difeafes is your noftruui to 
 
 cure ? 
 
 Macboof. Hand you, haud you ! by St. Andrew, 
 that's no leeght affair (paufing). What difeafes do 
 you think the run ft popular ? 
 
 Rubrick. Dodtor, your hand ! Now I fee you're 
 a man of bufinefs. Let me fee .' a good thing in the 
 fecret way now and yet that branch is over-run. 
 Drops, Pills, and Electuaries, innumerable ! What 
 d'ye think of the A 7 er<ves, Dolor ? Never 'were Ner- 
 vous Diforders fo frequent, you know. And then 
 your name, Dotior ? In drugs, as well as books, 
 the author's name is of no fmall confequence- 
 Macboof. My name is Machoof, Sir! 
 Rubrick. Machcof? Machoof, Doftor. 
 Machoof. Doctor David Machoof, Sir ; and by 
 my fau! Maifter Rubrick, the medicine will not lack 
 
 celabrity.
 
 IS LI NGTON SPA. 15 
 
 celabrity. I ha' .gotten already a diploma from St. 
 Andrew's, and in a mail er twa I expac an order 
 from S-veden 
 
 Kubrick. Do you ? Why then Machoofs Miylure, 
 or, SiueJei Ealfam fliall be the title of it. A lucky 
 chriftening is more than half the battle. We'll go in 
 and prepare theadvx-rtilement. 
 
 Macboof. Yas, we nun invaftigate its axce'Ient 
 faculties it may be caw'il the Univarfal Ramedy, 
 the Grand Specifick, the Panacza ! and you may 
 add a fma nota bene, that it's an infallible cure for 
 Corns. 
 
 Rubrick. Ay, ay, Macbojfs Mixture j r, Swede's 
 Ealfam, fhall cure every thing ; one thing as well 
 as another, I warrant you- [Exeunt. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE, the Fields near IJlington. 
 
 Enter Merton, Jack Kubrick, and Eliza. 
 
 ME RTON. 
 
 w, 
 
 ELL, but Eliza ! 
 
 Eliza- Well, but Mr. Merton ! I can tell you no 
 more' than you have heard over and over already. 
 Your lively coufin, Lxtitia, is gone on before with 
 Mr. Afpin ; is in high fpirits, and Teems fure of fuc- 
 cefs in her operations. What they are to be, I 
 don't exattly know ; and weie I fully apprized of 
 them, being enjoined fc'Crecy, I tell you plainly, I 
 would not difclofe them But the fulleft confidence 
 may be re po fed in her *i 'endiTiip and abilities ; and 
 that ought to fatisfy you, 
 
 Merton. Cruel Eliza ! 
 
 Jack
 
 16 THE SPLEEN, OR, 
 
 Jack Kubrick. Cruel! Why fo, Tom ? You are faft 
 maniid already, you know, and there is not a propo- 
 fition in Euclid wore clear than when two young peo- 
 ple are lawfully married, not ail the parents in Eng- 
 land can unnii.rry them. 
 
 Eliza. Very true ; but he is always fo difcontent- 
 ed, fo unreafonable ! 
 
 Jack Kubrick. Nay, now I am fure you are mar- 
 ried. Your fcolding the poor man, when he is ready 
 to hang himfelr", isdownright demonstration. 
 
 Merlon- Scold me, rate me, my dear Eliza, do 
 what you will with me ! but, for heaven's fake 7 , de- 
 liver me as foon as pofllble from this anxious fitua- 
 lion ; for I long to claim you in the face of the world, 
 and openly acknowledge you. 
 
 Eliza. All in good time, Mr. Merton ; Lsetitiahas 
 undertaken for us, has pronnfed to make you ac- 
 quainted with her intentions herfelf, and perhaps 
 affign you a part in carrying them into execution ; 
 fo I muft infift on your waiting the refult of her en- 
 deavours with patience. 
 Merton. Patience ! Well. 
 
 Jack Kubrick. Well ! Ay, very well- There is 
 no going always in a direct line, Tom. A Curve 
 fometimes anfwers the purpofe better. The longeft 
 way about is the ihorteft way home, you know- 
 
 Ha ! yonder's old D'Oyley on hurfeback Let 
 
 us make hafte to the Spa ! He is jtift retun.mg from 
 his conftant exercife- He is as regular as the Clock, 
 as exafl as a Time-Piece, and the good houfewives 
 roaft their meat by him. He enjoys the air of the 
 New Road everyday, takes a whet at Mother Red- 
 cap's, trots up to Hampftead, crofles the Heath, 
 comes down Highgate Hill, and fo through Hollo- 
 way, back to Iflington. This is Cuckold's Round, ns 
 they call it ! Would not one fwear he was in the 
 high road to Matrimony, Sifter ? 
 
 Eliza. Ah, gracelefs ! Come, Mr. Merton. 
 
 Merton. Oh, Eliza ! 
 
 Jack Kubrick. Oh, Eliza ! (making Urn) Oh 
 
 Tom Merton ! Tom Fool indeed Let the Women 
 
 alone,
 
 ISLINGTON SPA. 17 - 
 
 alone, Tom ! Intrigue is their province. You fliall 
 admire the effect of their fchemes, though (l.ke the 
 powers .of the Magnet) you don't comprehend them ; 
 and rtiall arrive as fafe and fecure at the height of 
 your wiflies, as you go up a ftairca/e that hangs by 
 geometry. Safe and fecure, Tom ; butftep by ftep, 
 Tom ; fo have patience, and be governed by us, 
 Tom ! [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE changes to D'Oyley's Lodgings at IJling- 
 ton Spa. A table, chairs, <with bioks, papers, a 
 cafe of medicines, laoking-glafs, &c. 
 
 Enter D'Oyley in fpatttrdajbes. 
 
 UOyley. Something better for my ride, I think, 
 but not quite right neither. Always, always ill ; 
 and never, never able to difcover what's the matter 
 with me ! I have taken my.glafs of water fince I got 
 off my horfe, but it feems to feel cold and heavy on 
 my ftomach. Suppofe I Iw ing the leads, or ring rhe 
 dumb bell, or take fifty turns in my room, from 
 North to South, as Dr. Quackley directed me ! 
 (Takes a turn and a half and flops at the table.) 
 Let me fee ! my eyes are as yellow as faffron. (look- 
 ing in the glafs.) Jaundice, jaundice ! And then my 
 tongue ! (putting it out) my tongue is as white as 
 milk, and loaded as thick as a curd ! A bilious fe- 
 ver coming ! Heigh ho ! I'll take a little of the Sa- 
 line (going to the cafe of medicines.} 
 
 Enter As PI x 
 
 Afpin. Ha ! Old Gallipot ! 
 . DOyley. Mr. Afpin ! 
 
 A/fin. What! Quacking yourfelf? Let the phials 
 
 alone,, man- You are no more fick than I am. 
 
 Thefe are all new fancies, taken up in the evening 
 of your life; the twilight of the understanding^ 
 the mere effects of indolence and want of employ- 
 ment I don't remember that you ever felt, or fan- 
 cied you !ek, an hour's illnefs, till you left the back 
 of St Cieuiii.t s. 
 
 C D'Oylty.
 
 18 T HE SP LEEN ; OR, 
 
 D'Oyl:y. If I had not ccine from behind St. Cle- 
 ment's, I rticvild have lain in St. Clement's Church- 
 yard by this time. At a certab time t>*' lire, retire- 
 ment from bufinefs, as well as aii anc ! oxtrcife, are 
 :abfolute!y neceflary. 
 
 Afpin. Air and exercife ! formerly you had not 
 a fingle complaint. Standing at the (hop-door, and 
 looking into the ftreet, was, air enough ; and open- 
 ing bales of cloth fufTicien', exercife ; but you took 
 Isave of your bufinefs and good fpirits together ; 
 and row your mind is over-run with vapours and 
 megrims, that make you fancy your body fwarms 
 with diforders. 
 
 D'Ojley. Fancy ! why if Fancy would do the bu- 
 finefs, don't you think I had rather fancy myfelf in 
 good health, Mr. Afpin ? 
 
 Afpin. No you are fick byway of amufement - 
 melancholy, to keep up your fpirits you are eat-up 
 with the Spleen, Mafn-r. D'Oyley. 
 
 D'Oyley. I ! why d'ye think fo ? 
 
 Afpin, I know fo. You have every fymptom 
 of it. 
 
 D'Oyley, Symptoms ? Name them, I underftand 
 fymotrms. 
 
 S.fpin. Don't I know you weigh yourfelf every 
 day after dinner ? 
 
 D'Oyley. To be fure. Why not fettle the ftate 
 of my health, as well as balance my accounts, Mr. 
 Afpin ? 
 
 dfpin. Have not I catched you_ feeling yourpulfe 
 by a <i'.tp-watch ? 
 
 \'y. Granted. The pulfe can't be watched 
 xUfly. 
 
 . And are you not afraid of going ont in an 
 Eaft Winrf ? 
 
 D'Oylcy All the world agrees, nothing is more 
 prejudicial. 
 
 Afpin. Except not going out at all. Were not 
 you kept at home for three weeks at one time by 
 an. old rutty weathercock ? and near a fortnight at 
 
 another,
 
 ISLINGTON S P A. 19 
 
 another, when it was tied up by fome fchool-boys ? 
 
 D'Oyley. Ridiculous! 
 
 Afpin. Yes, and what's ten time more ridiculous, 
 are not you going to be married ? 
 
 D Oyley. No great fympiom of fpleen in that, Mr. 
 Afpin ! 
 
 Afpin. A very woeful fymptom of folly and 
 weaknefs, Matter D'Oyley ! You are turned the 
 corner of fifty ; flie is on the infide of twenty. 
 What a profpect of the comforts of matrimony ! Do 
 you think fuch a girl will much relirh being turned 
 into a nurfe v ? or do you fancy that yourold St. 
 Clement's foppeiy of a clean fiitrt, Joining fhoes, 
 fmug wig, and neatly brufhed-coat, worn thread- 
 bue without a fpot, will have fufficient charms for 
 her ? Do you imagine 
 
 Enter SERVANT. 
 
 Serv. Dr. Anodyne, fir, is in the rooms, and will 
 wait on you prefently, if you are at leilure. 
 
 UOyley. Oh, my heft compliments to the Doctor ; 
 I (hall be very glad to fee hin:. (Exit Servant.) Now, 
 my dear friend, truce with vour raillery, and give 
 me leave to receive the Doc r's vifit. 
 
 Afpin. Doctor Anodyne ! who is he ? I never 
 heard of him ; he never attended you before. 
 
 DOyley. No, he is a new phyfician ; I don't 
 think that any of the faculty have yet hit my cafe, 
 and I v/iili to confuh Dr. Anodyne. He is but a 
 young practitioner, it is true ; yet I am told of great 
 promife and extenfive practice ; though he is not 
 long returned from abroad, and has but lately at- 
 tended the Spa. 
 
 Afpin. A young wife and a young phyfician ! you 
 are in a rare way, Mifter D'Oyley. Doctor Ano- 
 dyne ! aye, -he' is one of thofe fucking doctors, I 
 warrant you, that make up by iafmuation and im- 
 pudence for their want of (kill and experience j 
 feeling the pulfes of old maids, and bowing them- 
 'felvesinto the good graces of dowagers ; rolling their 
 C z job-
 
 io THE SPLEEN; OR, 
 
 job chaiiots into the city, when they can't fucceed 
 at St. James's ; and killing Jews, when they are 
 not allowed to flaughter Chrillians ; running down 
 to Tunbridge or Southampton, when they have 
 
 HQyley. For Heaven's fake ! he will hear you j 
 he'll be in the room, Mr. Afpin. 
 
 Jfpin. Will he ? then I'll leave you a little. Ml 
 take a turn or two in ihe walks, and then return to 
 finifli my lecture. To a man who has been ufed all 
 his life to be bufy, eafe and indolence is a very hard 
 laflc, Mafter D'Oyley ! The mind of a retired 
 iradefman often llagnates for want of employment, 
 and becomes as dull, dark and gloomy, as the in- 
 lide of his fhcp on a Sunday. But take my advice, 
 D'Ojley, and I'll do you more good than all th.e 
 Dcdlors in Chriftendom. [Exit. 
 
 D'Ojlty (alone.) What coarfe, boi'fterous fpirits ! 
 Health is a fine thing, a very fine thing j but a man, 
 who has never known what it is to be ill, commonly 
 feenis to have neither nerves nor affections, I long 
 to fee the Doctor Let me fit and compofe myfelf - 
 What's here ? (opening a book} "Advice to the Pecple 
 in general with regard to their health .' ' Ay, I'll read 
 a little This book always gives me fome ufeful in- 
 formation " Of Confumptions." (reading ) " This 
 *' difeafe generally begins with a dry cough, which 
 fl often continue* for fome months." Hack, hack ! 
 (half coughing) Yes, I have a dry cough, ard have 
 had for fome months." If a difpofition (reading) 
 *' to ficknefs after eating be excited by it, there is 
 " ftill greater reafon to fear an approaching con- 
 " fumption." I was fick as a dog immediately af 
 
 ter dinner yefterday " The patient is (r toning) 
 
 " apt to be fad." Nobody ever fo apt to be fad, 
 
 without any reafon on earth, as lam. " There is 
 .generally (reading) " a quick, foft, fmall pulfe." 
 Tick, tick, tick! (f (ding bis pulfe) quick as light- 
 ning, very foft and fmall too ! "though fometimes 
 *' (reading) the pulfe is pretty full, and rather 
 
 " hard." Tack, tack, tack ! (feeling again) 
 
 Full !
 
 fS LI NGTO N SP4. 21 
 
 Full ! it beats like a drum, ready to burft thro' my 
 veins. " Thefe are (reading) the common fymp- 
 
 *' toms of a beginning confumption." All which 
 
 fymptoms I feel. Nothing but a proper regimen 
 
 can keep me out of a confimip'ion. Let me fee ! 
 (turning over the leases) ' Symptoms of a Dropfy" 
 (reading) "The Anafarca generally begins with a 
 " fwelling of the feet and ancles towards night, 
 *' which for fome time, c'ifappears in the morning." 
 Ah! (Inking at bis feet and legs) I have not the 
 
 leaft appearance of Iwelling this morning That 
 
 may be a very dropfical fymptom. " In the even- 
 " ing (reading) the pirts, if prdl with the finder, 
 
 " will pit." I'll try that tliV . v_:iMig. The 
 
 fwelling (reading} gradually afcen.ds 
 
 Rubrick ('without). Stay! Ill only juft rail upon 
 Mr. D'Oyley, and be wiUi you again immediately. 
 
 Enter RUBRICS (a printed paper in t:s band.} 
 
 D'Oyley. Mr. Kubrick ! I am heartily glad to fee 
 ycu. You are very good to call in upon a poor fick 
 man. This is kind of you. 
 
 Rubrick. Yes, I am in a great hurry j but I could 
 rot help popping in upon yoi', before I go to meet 
 the partners in our ir'ended new paper, at the An- 
 gel at Iflington How are you, Sir ? Did you tats 
 tire Stomach Pills ? 
 
 D'OyUy. I did ; but continue rather flatulent 
 full of wind, as a pop-gun. 
 
 Rubritk. You /hould have followed up the pills 
 with n dofe or two of the Corrective E'ixir. 
 
 D'Qyley. I did fo. 
 
 Rubrick. And how did it agree ? 
 
 D'Oyley. Weakened me molt exceedingly. 
 
 Rubrick. Then I muft fend you two or three bot- 
 tles of the Rtftorative, with the next magazines- 
 
 D'Oyley. Do fo ! But what paper is that, Mr- Ru- 
 brick ? 
 
 Rubrick. A proof of our new pnper the fuft 
 
 number to be published the <.'.- y after to-morrow 
 the Neon- Pott !
 
 22 THE SPLEEN; OR, 
 
 D'Oyley. The Noon-Poft ? 
 
 Rubrick. Yes, the Noon-Poft an excellent pro- 
 je6t ! for it is the only time of day, you know, left 
 open for an additional news-paper. The Morning 
 and Evening are quite overloaded. Befides, it will 
 ferve for an eariy Morning Paper at the Weft end of 
 the town, and will come out juft about Change 
 hours in the Eaft. Then it will include all that has 
 been in the Morning papers Play Bills, et cetera, 
 without poflibility of miftake or deception, and will 
 foreftali all that is to be in the Evening ones So 
 that the Nwn-PoJl will be the only paper, juftly cal- 
 culated for the Meridian of London But we'll de- 
 liver it without horns horns may offend the 
 
 people of quality, you know 
 
 D'Oyley. Well, I wifh. you joy and fuccefs, Mr, 
 Rubrick. But how is my Eliza ? 
 
 Rubrick. Very well. She is juft arrived. You'll 
 fee her prefently. 
 
 D'Oyley. And when are we to fix the happy day ? 
 Ha, Mr. Rubrick ! 
 
 Rubrick. Let me fee, let me fee ! How ft and 
 my engagements ? 
 
 [pulling out a memorandum book. 
 This is my eating calendar, Mr. DOyley. 
 
 D'Oyhy.bon\ let us drive it off till towards au- 
 tumn ! lor then my health will call me to Bath- 
 
 What d'ye think of next Tuefday, for inftance ! 
 
 Rubrick. (Looking at his Almanack.) Tuefday, 
 June 11 the longi.lt day, and the fliorteft night 
 awhimfical day for a marriage, Mr. D'Oyley ! 
 
 D'Oyley. Well the Thurfday after then. 
 
 Rubnck. Thuifday ! let me fee ! (confuting bis 
 Calendar) Thurfday I am engaged to eat a buck 
 with the proprietors- of Lloyd's Chronicle, at the 
 Long Room, in Hampftead. 
 
 D'Oylfy. The Saturday following then ! 
 
 Rubrick. (Still looking at bis Calendar.) Saturday, 
 June 15 to feaft on the Almanacks at Stationers' 
 Hall ! 
 
 D'Oyley.
 
 ISLINGTON SPA 23 
 
 VOyley. Well Monday or Tuefday in the next 
 v/eejc. 
 
 Kubrick. (Still looking at his Calendar.) Monday, 
 the annual dinner of Turlington's Balfam, at the 
 Star and Garter on Richmond Hill ; and Tuefday 
 the meeting of the proprietors of Beaume de /';>, at 
 the Packhorfe, on Turnham Green. 
 
 D'Oyley. PJlia ! if you put it off in this manner, 
 you II get beyond the term of the contract. 
 
 Rubrick. Nay, never be impatient, fon-in-law ! 
 We'll fettle it for fome day in the month. You'll 
 
 have time, and time enough, I warrant you. 
 
 The fair lafts all the year, you knoxv. I'll 
 
 b,i with you again fliortly but you muft excufe 
 
 me at prefent for I have left a gentleman waiting 
 for me below. I am to treat with him for a DilTer- 
 tation on the Virtues of Iflington Spa , and to be 
 concerned with him in a'fcheme for extracting falls 
 fiom the New River; fo your fervant, your fer- 
 vant ! Good day to you .' [Exit bajlily. 
 
 D'Oyley. (alone.) This man is fo hafty and vio- 
 lent, he always flurries my fpirits. Sta^ ! I hear 
 the Dcflor No 'iis fomebody elfe a gentleman 
 toafkfor him perhaps. 
 
 Enter L.JS. T i TT A , as Dr. Anodyne, drejfedin an ele- 
 gant fuit of cloaths, nvith a bag- wig andfivord. 
 
 L<etitia. I came to receive your commands, Sir. 
 
 D'Oyley. My commands, Sir ! 
 
 Ltetitia- Ifyoupleafe. Let me have the honour 
 to feel your pulfe, Sir. (takes his hand) Let me 
 look at youi eyes, Sir ! Put out your tongue, Sir ! 
 Very wt.il, very well .' I fee how it is, at once, 
 Sir ! Your appetire is good, and digeftion bad i 
 your deep found, but refrefhment little ; ftrength 
 great, but nerves weak ; and your whole habit, pa- 
 regorick, and hypochondriacal. 
 
 D'Oyley. My Ci.fe to a tittle! But you ama/e me. 
 Are you Dr. Anodyne ? You a phyfician, Sir ? 
 
 Lrtitia.
 
 24 THE SPLEEN; OR, 
 
 Ltptitia. To be fure. Why fhould you doubt it. 
 Sir ? 
 
 D'Oyley. By your figure and appearance, I muft 
 confeis, Sir, I ihould rather have taken you for a 
 foreign Count, or an Opera-finger. 
 
 Ltftitia- Why fo, Sir ? Do you think it necefTary 
 for a p'ly lician to appear like an undertaker ? Thank 
 Heaven I am the firll of the faculty, Sir, that made 
 it proper and faihionable in this 'country for a phy- 
 fician to look like a gentleman. I have fpent a good 
 deal of time abroad, Sir; and even our Clergy, 
 when abroad, moult their feather'd gri/zles, carl 
 their pudding fleeves, and put on white ftockings, 
 long fwords, and bag-wigs, Sir. 
 
 D^Oyley. Ah ! fooie of them are coming pretty 
 near the mark at home, Doctor. 
 
 Leetitia. I have had the honour of travelling, Sir, 
 and I thought it right to ad^pt the rfcodes, as well 
 as fcience, of the feveral countries I vificed. For- 
 merly, the grave owls cf the College, vvith their 
 clouted cravats, hay-cock perukes, clouded canes, 
 and bolus buttons, feemed to think no man qualified 
 to prefciibe a cathartick or emetick, that cid not 
 look, as if he had juft taken one himfelf. And their 
 practice was as abfurd, as their figures were ridicu- 
 ous. 
 
 UOyley. Indeed, Doctor! 
 
 La-titia. Yes, indeed, Sir. A corfultation of 
 mere home-bred phyficians, is worfe than an epide- 
 mick diftemper. 'The plague, or the influenza is 
 nothing to it. Your cafe foi inftance .' By your ap- 
 pearance, I fliould judge your cafe to have been 
 wholly miftaken. It appears at firft to have been 
 merely nervous; but now, by improper manage- 4 
 rrient, it feems tending very iaft to epileptick, para- 
 lytick, and dropfical. 
 
 D'Oyley. You frighten me. What courfe would 
 you prefcribe, Dcclor ? 
 
 Laetitia. \Yhat regimen have you followed hither- 
 to, Sir ? 
 
 D'Ojley.
 
 ISLINGTON S P A. 25 
 
 D'Oyley. I have been ordered to live very tempe- 
 rate, to ride every day, and to keep my fpirits quiet 
 and eafy. 
 
 Ltttitia. Ah ! temperance, exercife, and peace 
 of mind ! the old remedy, and a wonderful difco- 
 very to be fure ! But your diet .' Give me the par- 
 ticulars. 
 
 DOyley. Plain food, no wine, and no pickles. 
 
 Ltctttia. Wrong, wrong, all wrong ! Your tem- 
 perament being too low, nature plainly directs that 
 you ihould live very high. A bottle of wine would 
 operate as the moll excellent cordial, and the fti- 
 mulation of pickles would both create and ftrcngthen 
 the appetite. 
 
 D'Oyley. Nothing can be more reafonable. Iniuft 
 alter my whole regimen, and enrich n.y blood with 
 good eating and drinking take chocolate for break- 
 iaft, a chearful glafs for dinner, and make a hearty 
 fupper. How many grains of fait may I put loan 
 egg, Doctor ? 
 
 L*titia. None. Eat fait in no fhape, unlefs 
 faltcd meats, but as much of thofe at you pleafe, 
 Sir. 
 
 D'Oyley, Meats failed or fmoaked, are what I 
 have been rxprefsly forbid, D ctor, 
 
 Ltfiitia. Not by me, Mr- D'Oyley. Confultyour 
 own underftanding, Sir ! How fhould finoke, that 
 prefervts a flitch of bacon, injure you j or fait, 
 that keeps a ham from putrefaction, hurt the tone 
 of your ttomach ? Cookery indeed rcnderi many 
 tilings ur.v,'holefome, that are not fo in themfelves. 
 How is your mem drr ft, Sir ? 
 
 D'Oylfy. Thoroughly done, always for elf?, 
 ht Doctors tell me, that the juices would not afli- 
 
 ^ftitia. For which rcafcn they leave the food 
 without any juices at all. Without them, Sir, in- 
 ftead ot beet or mutton, you might as well eat 1110- 
 hogany. In Abyflinia, where a (tateof nature pre- 
 vails, a raw ra/her from a live ox is wholefome and 
 
 delicious,
 
 26 THE SP LEEN; OR, 
 
 delicious. Eat your meat . as rare as poflible, Sir, 
 and avoid bread as pernicious. 
 
 UOyley. Pernicious, Doclor f I always under- 
 ftood bread to be the wholefomeft food in the 
 world. 
 
 Leeiitia. A vulgar error, Sir ! Pap, mere pap, 
 kills nine-tenths of the children that die in the 
 Foundling Hofpital. Bread and milk fwell the bills 
 of mortality. Bread induces a cachexy, and milk 
 brings on an atrophy. The London milk too is no- 
 thing but a compbfition of chalk and rain water, and 
 the bread is all whitened with allum. 
 
 D'Qyley, Mercy on me ! I fliall never dare to 
 venture on a flice of bread and butter, or to put a 
 
 fpoonfalof cream in my tea again. Raw flefli, 
 
 and no bread ! Why thefe are wonderful difcove- 
 ries, Doclor. ; 
 
 L#titia> I have imported a thoufaml difcoveries, 
 Sir : It was I that fiift entertained the world with 
 the agreeable fight of people foalkingthe ftreets in 
 the heighth of the final I pox. .It was I that 
 
 Enter A s P I N haftily. 
 
 dfpin. Yes, it was you ! You, Doctor, that 
 have broken the laws of fociety, difturbed the peace 
 of a private family, and thrown the whole place into 
 COnfufion. 
 . Ltstltin. Sir ! 
 
 D'Oylcy. What now ? What's tlie matter, Mr. 
 Afpin ? 
 
 .Afpin. The Doctor's the matter. He has been 
 feeling the pulfe of ynur wife that was to be, exa- 
 mining too clofely into her conftitution, Mr. D'Oyler. 
 
 DOyley. I don't understand you. 
 . Afpin. You are the only perfon ia Iflington that 
 don't. It is the common topick of the Wells, that 
 there is too fhift an underftanding between E'i/.a 
 and this young Practitioner. 
 
 Enter
 
 ISLINGTON S P A. 27 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. Ru B R I c K . 
 
 Rubrick. But have patience, Mrs. Rubiick.' 
 Mrs. Kubrick. No, there is no bearing this. We 
 fhall be the laugh of the whole place, the fubjecl of 
 all the Spa-Lampoons of the feafon ! I can't (fond it, 
 Mr. R-ubrick ; and have fent word to the Ro<w that 
 we are returning thither immediately. 
 
 Enter Mis. TABITHA- 
 
 Oh, Sifter Tabby ! 1 am glad you are come. Did 
 you ever hear of Inch an affair, fifter ? 
 
 Mrs. Tabitha. Aye, aye ; I told you how it would 
 be fooner or later, Sifter. This comes of your tra- 
 velling. This comes.ofour watering-places. The 
 pitcher never goes fo often to the well I need fay 
 no more. But come ; " the hackney-coach, that 
 brought me from the Row, is turned about, and is 
 ready to carry the family back again. (Going} 
 
 Kubrick. Stay, Mrs. Rubrick ! Stay, fifter Ta- 
 bitha ! I queftion the truth of this ftory. What 
 fignifies an idle report? Are not there a thoufand 
 things paragraphed for facts one day, and para- 
 graphed fo: damned lies the very day after ? 
 
 Afpin. Don't tiuft to that, Mr. Rubrick ! The 
 fact, I fear, is indi{putable. The very maid whom 
 they trufted, has betrayed them, and confeft that 
 the Doilor there, ha- more than once flept all night 
 in your daughter's chamber. 
 
 Kubrick. The Devii ! 
 
 D'Oyley. Aye it's too plain ; I fhake as if I \vere 
 in an ague ; three months of the Cold Bath will not 
 bring me right again. 
 
 LtFtitia. Pflia ! this is a mere Englifh complaint. 
 Abroad, no cafe is mor<- common, or le alarming 
 1 it let you rigl:t, I warrant you, Mr. D'Oyley ! 
 
 *4pok ye, Mr. DOyley, I fliall infift 
 
 rg your contract. The penalty, you 
 
 know,
 
 28 THE SPLEEN; OR, 
 
 know, is pretty confiderable and I hope not to be 
 obliged, by force of law, to compel you to it. 
 
 D'Oyley. So ; this affair will be the death of me. 
 My health depends on my peace of mind ; and that 
 is fure of being deftroyed, either by a wife, or a 
 law-fuit. 
 
 Enter JACK. KUBRICK. 
 
 Jack Rubrick. Where is this rafcal, that pre- 
 tends to have dishonoured my fifter ? I'll drive him 
 to the center. 
 
 Leetitia. My center is here, Sir. 
 
 Enter}Li!iZA and ME R TON. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Kubrick. Eliza! and Mr, Merton 
 here ! 
 
 Merton. Yes Sir ; yes, Madam, I am here ; 
 when Eliza's life, fortune, or reputation are in dan- 
 ger, it is impoffible for ine to keep at a diftance. 
 She now lies under a moft vile and falfe calumny, 
 and he is a rafcal that dares aflert or infinuate the 
 contrary. 
 
 Ltftitia. So, fay I, Sir ! Woe be to the man 
 that dares impeach her honour ! I have always been 
 a (launch friend to the fex, and lliall moll certainly 
 be true to this ladv. 
 
 Eliza. I have been more true to myfelf, Sir. 
 Believe me. Madam ; believe me, Aunt ; believe 
 me, IVJr. D'Oyley, there is no truth in this infa- 
 mous fiery. 
 
 D'Oyley. Too much, I am afraid, Mifs Eliza f 
 Ycu never paid the leaft attenlion to me before ; 
 and your earneftnefs now only ferves to confirm my 
 fufpicions. Would you marry her yourfelf, Doc- 
 tor ? that is the fureft way of making her fame 
 whole again. 
 
 Lai: la.
 
 -if 
 
 22 THE SPLEEN; OR, 
 
 Lftitia. For particular reafons, beft known to 
 myfelf and the young lady, I muft beg to be ex- 
 cufed, 
 
 Kubrick. Damnation ! 
 
 D'Olyey. See there ! Can you wonder at my 
 hesitation, Mr. Kubrick ? 
 
 Merlon. For my part, I look upon the Doctor to 
 be more dangerous as a phyfician, than a gallan ; 
 a nd fo little do I credit this fcandal, that with Mr. 
 and Mrs. Kubrick's confent, I am willing to accept 
 of her hand immediately. What fay Eliza, and Mr. 
 and Mrs. Kubrick, to my propofal ? 
 
 Eliza. I am all confunon. 
 
 Rittrick. And I am ail diftraclion. As to your 
 
 offer, there's fbmething handfome enough but 
 
 Mr. D'Oyley's contract 
 
 UOyley. As to that, Mr. Kubrick, I'llendea-; 
 vour to make you eafy. For the fake of health, 
 and happinefs, and peace of mind, I am content to 
 forfeit half the penalty, and to fettle it on the 
 young couple. 
 
 A/pin. And I'll throw in the other half, as a 
 blefling to my god-daughter. 
 
 Kubrick. That's generous I muft confefs ge- 
 nerous on both fides. What day ihall we fix for the i 
 ceremony ? 
 
 Merton. It is needlefs to fix any day* 
 
 Rub-it k. How ? 
 
 Merton. The ceremony is already over. We 
 have been married thefe three weeks. And I con- ) 
 fider the Doctor as my beft friend, in having been ' 
 the means of obtaining your confent to ratify our 
 union. 
 
 L&titia. Yes, I am a faft friend to all this good 
 company, Mr. Kubrick. 
 
 Kubrick. Friend ! And pray who the devil are you, 
 friend ? 
 
 Merton. An old acquaintance of your's, I affure 
 you, Mr. Kubrick. 
 
 Rubrick. An acqxiaintance of mine ? 
 
 Ltrtitia.
 
 IS LINGTO N SPA. 2 i 
 
 in the face,
 
 ISLINGTON' SPA. 17 
 
 phyficians. Mr. Rubrick muft henceforth expeft 
 my cuftom for books, rather than medicines j or 
 if he chufes to weave my ftory and character into a 
 farce or a novel, I fhould be happy to hear it af- 
 forded an hour's entertainment, and was repeated 
 nightly, as A CURE FOR THE SPLEEN. 
 
 THE END.
 
 EPILOGUE, 
 
 Spoken by Mrs. KING, 
 
 In the Character of Dr. ANODYNE. ' 
 /I Female, Dofior, Sin ! and pray why net f 
 
 Have You from Nature a file Patent gat f 
 Can you chain down Experience, Senfe, and Knowledge, 
 (Like madmen injirait waijlcoats) to the Collegt ? 
 Let us prefcribe ! our wbolefome Revolutions 
 Would quickly mend your crazy Conftiiutions ; 
 Jnvejl a Female with a Reverend Caffatk, 
 What fpruce Divine, wou'd more become the Hajfock ; 
 Or rtbe her in a Lawyer" 1 ! gown and band, 
 What Judge fofweet a pleader could withjiand f 
 Into St. Stephen's Chapel let us go ! 
 What power our Aye -would have ; what force our No ! 
 Try us in all things there are very few, 
 We Women could not dt, as well as you. 
 
 Shew me thro" 1 all Creation, thofe who can 
 A fiercer tyrant, than the tyrant man. 
 
 Lion t: Licnefs, is very civil, 
 
 But Man with Woman plays the very devil. 
 
 In France, -where Politefle _/&;'</ rail the land, 
 
 The Sceptre^s -ivrefied frcm a female hand. 
 
 A fpoufe in China keeps his brain from madding, 
 
 By tripling Dearee's feet, tofpcilher gadding. 
 
 While the Grand Turk, Lord cf a vajl Seraglio, 
 
 Warms the wboh houfeHimfelf one greet Buzaglc. 
 
 Here -we're denied tie privilege to think, 
 
 And fcarce allowed the life of pen and ink. 
 
 But mark your playbcufi wits, and fairly tell, 
 
 If we poor women c:u'J not -write as well : 
 
 Tes, Ladies, we have written, and we will ; 
 
 No Lords, alive or dead, Jhall flop our'qitill. 
 
 Break down the fences cf a partial tribe, 
 
 And let us t to p reach, counfel, and prefer He ! 
 
 Firm as Rome's matrons, bcld as dames of Sparta, 
 
 Let Englijb women form a f email Magna Chart a ; 
 
 A/ertyour rights, you muft command fuccefs, 
 
 And make King Jthnfubmit to brave ^en Befs.
 
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