3 m >£* ^ 3 ^ % — ^ iV '^,!/0JllV3JO>' ^ "^/■JuaAiNo-aviv -i^lllBRARYQ^ so ^^t•LIBRARYac ^aOJIW3JO>' f/4 ^lOSANCElfX^ o ► (2) ^§ s ) -r, «-> o ^OFCALIF0% to ^OFCAIIFO/?^ vr> 5^ •'^^ ^Aa3AiNnj\<^^ ^OAUvaaiH^ ^(9Aavaaii# 0^ ^ ■ S^ "^ '^'^omwf^' >- <. ctz o ^ i^mivm/A CO r\ x > >^ I -< "^/jaaAiNn^wv ^ 1^5 I ^lOSANCElf/^ o ^ /??{3AINa-3WV ^m lOSANCElfj> -y^UIBRARYOr ^tllBRARYQ^ ^ IVTJO"^ ^.!/0JllV3J0^ ^OFCAllfO%, 3^ £1 .^ ^ fnaiii^ ^6'Aavaani^'^ >- >- A'rtfUNIVERJ/" ••'jujnviui >clOSANCEl£.^ '^/.saaAiNn-3Wv ^lOSANCElfX;> o %a3AiNaauv i? 1 Jl9 CS? ilTVO-joV -n f o "^/saMiNrt-awv ^UIBRARVv^ ^&Aaviiaii#' >- < Ir^Sk 9 "J la JIM o»' I «c« '//sa3AiNn-3\v^ •^ ;% ^lOSANCElfX^ .aT.linDADVn. .v\V.!IRJ>At?V/^.- ll THE GOSSIP; ' 7 iiii. SCRAPS OF MANUSCRIPTS AND FACETIJ-; ILafonifa ft ILinira, UKING TUK (,;i,i:AMN(ib tJl 1111': J.KISl RK liUl H^ UK A (iKNTLEMAN, AM< (OMJ'KISK HINTS AMI SCUAI'S tiATHKRKl) t»\ TUK KOl'iifl AND SMOOTH KOADS TIIROLHJII LIFE. "Try it, that yoii may judjt'C : Then Spoak of it as you lind : Nothing- extenuate nor aujilit set down in uiahce." P.RKJHTON: 0. VERRALL & CO., S, PRIMC^E ALliKltT STUKirr M, AND S. HICHAM. 'A, CHISAVELT. STREET, I.ONIH)N. 184i). 06f DEDICATION TO THE PUBLIC. A former work of mine on Architecture, was inscribed (by command) to his late Majesty George the Fourth, at a time when Public, and private, business, engaged my labours in London, the favourable reception of the book, far exceeded my expectations and its merits. It was my intention to solicit a similar honor from an il- lustrious individual, now no more. Peace to his mames ! and to offer these essays to his notice and patronage. The death of H.R. Highness the duke of Sussex an occasion of sorrow and regret from the nation by whom he was respected, and beloved : the maintenance of lib- eral sentiments, Avas honourable to himself: his good name will fill niches in our memory. The Cenotauph will perpetuate it beyond days. No Prince has been more justly lamented for his public virtues, and the en- dearing social qualities, of kind universal benevolence. His taste and patronage of the arts and sciences shone conspicuous, during his career, in public and private life. To the public I venture to dedicate these imperfect gleanings from leisure hours, they comprise, hints and seraps gathered on the rough and smooth roads through lire, scattered Avith boon heterogenous varieties of na- tural and artificial growth, and produce, where we see IV. every thing to admire and rejoice in the works of Pro- vidence ! and much to shun and reprove amongst the va- garies and follies of Man. In the fond (perhaps vain) hope of furnishing some Amusement, I may be excus- ed, altho, the same Indulgence may not be conceded for the presumptious attempt to inform contemplative read- ers, In this enlightened Era of a well informed intelli- gent community. The public may be quite indisposed to read the following pages a galaxy of literary Authors shine of various magnitudes, in the boundless range and cycle of science, in which all are gifted (more or less) to entertain and instruct their contemporaries. It is not my ambition to propitiate the favor and indulgence of that small portion of the Public readers, who cannot or will not be pleased, at whatsoever we take aim, strike high or low, rather shall I complain like the man and his ass, who pleased none Whether on dapple, squat, astride, Or, trotting at his donkeys side. Oh ! tis all barren, some will say, Whate'er one writes, on any lay, Some jealous of their kinsfolk skill in writing Confess their spleen, in envy and backbiting. — When we hope for honied praise we may receive a crit- ic's cynic sting, and in lieu of floral honors, enwrapt in wreaths, and crowns, of laurel : be contented with a salute of cabbage stalks, turnips, and pommes de terre en missile. Wit may be termed a perception at a glance of the connexion of remote ideas, it requires judgement to combine discretion, how so to apply them, as to wouiul slightly, those on whom we may venture to ex- ercise that talent, moreover it may be unwise and un- generous, to evaporate sallies of a caustic stringent na- ture, unless called for as a rejoinder to a jeu d'esprit from another, puns may be employed if not personally pungent and apposite. Imperfection is so congenial to human nature, that it may appear presumptuous to ven- ture with reproof or censure : and least one may incur the just retort to our unwelcome advice. " Physician cure thyself—" meddle not with me." nole me tangere or it may be retorted, Sir, you are as likely to contam- inate, as to correct me." Many who indulge in censure are not less amenable to error. Critics are not infallible judges, especially when they decide through envy, and prejudice, and mistake the dexter, for the sinister, and infer erroneous partial conclusions ; yet all who use their speech, and exercise the Pen, must stand in awe of the Public suffrage, and decision, as well as await the disciplined power and ta- lent, of the reviewers. The head, the hand, and the heart, are well employed, in literary correspondence : the invention of one, the graphic office of the other, and the affections of the lat- ter : are called into action to perform the pleasing task, Epistolizing to dear friends ! whether on facetiae, fiimi- liar, or on grave matter : furnishes, a mutual pleasure, to whom it gives, and that receives. Proverbs embrace the Avide sphere of human existence, they shew the various shades and colours of life, often elicit genius with their sarcasm and pointed satire, hu- mour and elegance of imagery : they are seldom em- VI. ployed in conversation ; a good proverb is distinguished from a maxim or apothegin by the brevity which con- denses a metaphor : Proverbs become memorials of the manners of various eras, as quoted in Spain, France, Italy, &c. for historical and moral purposes ; they claim our attention 20 thousand may be computed among the nations of Europe. PREFACE OR PROEM. MANY SCRAPS OF MANUSRIPTS. It is almost as herculean a task, to remove prejudices, as Mountains ; I shall however venture to quote, and attempt to comment on a few of the Saws and proverbs, in common use ; which may be interpreted, in a varied sense, and to reject such apparent fallacies, as tend to confirm erroneous Inferences, or rivet false conclusions on our minds. Whenever we liberate our ideas from delusions, I presume that a step is gained towards improvement and instruction, phantasma may be replaced by sterling truths, and sober sense. Indulgent friends have persuaded me to gather up the fragments of my scattered thoughts, to compress them in print, bound in calf skin. The asses skin may be deemed a more appropriate integument for its dull contents. Brevity, it hath been said is the soul of wit, even many subjects of genuine merit may admit of compression. In these my feeble discourses it has been my aim to avoid being too prolix or diffuse. The gentle reader need not be reminded that by skipping or skimming he may still further abridge the dry leaves, the jejune pages, the passages that lead to • • • vm. nothing, or leave them unperused. It is not my inten- tion to follow in the Avake of many gifted authors and poets, to invoke the muses with my votive string, as- piring to Parnassus' Mount. Should such presumption induce me to apostrophise them with " Descend ye Nine" I might ^jrovoke their exalted puissance. Fears would come over me of an unharmonious salute from a strong invisible hand (perhaps Latona's son Apollo) wielding and dropping on my shoulders a cat-o'-wme in lieu of inspiration from Helicon. I shall therefore merely implore, or call forth, the powers that stir within us. The distemper called by Juvenal " Scribendi cacoethes," or itch of writing, appears to be infused into a great portion of the present race, in which pre- dicament I also stand ; the pen mania is almost epidemic. Some authors are cauterised with satires ; many formerly expiated the offence in the pillory when very malignant in their effusions. Many others write what they themselves alone do read, or witness the offspring of their muse still-born, or degraded to line bandboxes, or restricted in their circulation to the culinary spit enwrapping a sirloin in rotary motion, perhaps enclosing the condiments of the confectioner. Many works require excision either from the pruning knife or trenchant axe. Vive la plume. The spirit of the age shines forth in a host of intel- lectual writers of either sex who do credit to themselves and their country. There are a few exceptions, ad- mitted by all who discriminate, in which may be^ included the pernicious memoirs of George Barnwell, Jonathan Wild, Jack vShepherd, Eugene Aran, Tom IX. and Jeriy (et sue generi), works which are dramatised at our principal theatres ; thus personifying vice and infusing poison and bad taste in the breasts of youth. What is applauded is too often imitated. The antidote should be achninistered by moral writers, as it appears the laws of the land cannot interdict such effusions of the press, although pregnant with danger and damage to the rising generations. Some individual is (I suspect) preparing for the press an improved edition of the " Newgate Calendar," illustrated with engravings of such worthies whose exploits, life, parentage, and education should be suffered to rest, or rust, in oblivion, entombed with themselves and the pity of less erring fellow-men. We observe books a;inounced for publication which should be denounced, or prohibited, by the censorship of authority. " Vice is a monster of such frightful mien, As to be hated needs but to be seen, But grown too oft familiar with her face, We first endure, then pity, then embrace." It has been ascribed to pedantry to introduce foreign words or idioms into our language, which have terms of legitimate English origin fully and elaborately ex- pressing all that these exotics convey, and intelligible to every one ; in this particular I fear I shall offend, hoping the custom of my cotemporaries will exculpate me, and for which I must plead the general issue. I dare not say, as we read in some author, if any reader be not pleased, let them please themselves with their own displeasure. The man and his ass pleased nobody. X. Some readers may consider the work in perusal unen- lightened and obscure in its contexture ; it is easy to throio a light on the subject by deflagration, which will give it a vivid lively character, and form a rapid funeral pile to the memory of the untoward genius who prompted its pages, to such who vainly aspire and write for fame and earn oblivion such printed papyrus are duly consigned to the winds, or various ignoble appliances, by lining bandboxes, travelling trunks, and papering the mud walls of paupei's' cottages. To such indignation ephemeral labors are oft degi'aded. Michael de Cervantes, the genius of Spain, author of the famed " Don Quixotte," a captive in Barbary, at Algiers, wanted food. Virgil, died on the birth -day of Shakspeare. Lewis Camoens, the solitary pride of Portugal, perished in an hospital at Lisbon, author of the Lasiadas. Tasso, the Prince of Italian poets, borrowed a crown for subsistence, he apostrophised with his cat, intreated her to assist him with the lustre of her eyes, in the absence of a candle which he could not procure to write his vei'ses. He died in want and imprisonment. Peter Corneille died in poverty ; so did our Spencer. John Dry den sold ten thousand verses for £250 as per agreement. Some authors have been rewarded or consecrated by the renown of posthumous monuments, to whom the worth of the marble and sculpture, might have contri- buted sustenance during their lives. Witness poor Burns, whose memory has been honored with tributes XI. and ovations in his fatherland, his sons have received public demonstrations of respect and homage, to the merits of the deceased parent. Ilayden, a talented artist, terminated his active un- fortunate career by suicide in the domicile of his afflicted wife and bereaved children. His embarrass- ments deranged his intellect, and I recollect him as excitable and eccentric in manner and converse. Sir Robert Peel sent him £50 in his latter days, and for- warded to his widoAV since his death £200 with a con- doling letter promising further aid when required. In the melee of his political disquietude and antag- onistic partizans, Sir Robert can soothe the anguish of the frantic suicide and his bereaved survivor. Honour and praise are due to such benevolence, it has con- ferred an imperishable name amidst the list of his countrys worthy members, imprest on the hearts of grateful recipients of his bounty. Many authors sit down to make up a book purely from interested motives, and why not ? Who is enamoured with gratuitous labors ? My pretext for scribbling is to fill up a hiatus in my leisure hours, and to exercise a very humble attempt to amuse, where I cannot presume to instruct, being fully aware that '' Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." There is very little unknown land in literature, any proposition's which are true and possess some scintilla of novelty may be admitted to view. The present age is con- spicuous for good reasoning and bad practice, for sound rules and arguments and corrupt manners. Virtue is in our heads, vice too generally occupies the heart. It Xll. is difficult to improve such an age, it is hazardous to offisr instruction or be didactic, yet always allowable to furnish amusement of an innocent tendency in which may be blended instruction. Neither the turmoils of an active life, nor the compiling this little opus, have abridged any portion of my sleep. Its perusal may have a contrary tendency, may have a narcotic effect on my readers. To such as may not feel merciful towai'ds its imperfections let me add, " To err is human, to forgive divine." I anticipate neither fame nor profit, merely the reimbursement of outlay, unless the public are more liberal than I claim to be entitled to, I may be included in the category of beatitudes with those who expect nothing, and shall therefore not be disap- pointed. The sweeping scythe of time has consigned to the tomb numerous relatives and friends who kindly pa- tronized my professional pursuits. The recollection will not be effaced from the tablet of memory. It emboldens me to venture once more to present myself to such as remain, and to an indulgent public. The chains in social conventional intercourse are continually severed. The silver cord will be loosened, and the golden bowl soon be broken ; also the wheels at the cistern of life. Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was, and the spirit return unto God who gave it. They and thee, my good readers, yet may flourish ! We may meet again in eternal bloom, in reunions of peace. " The storms of Avintry time will quietly pass, And one unbounded spring encircle all." XIU. The late Dr. HaAvksworth has the following record on his monument in Bromley Church : " Let not this be perused as only relating to myself. For Q,feto years only will divide the eye that is now reading from the hand that hds written." During life's summer, the second period, while hope is ever buoyant, the heart springs with vigour, the vital flame burns brightly unvexed, untired with its toils and recreations. In the seer and yellow leaf of our autumn experience dis- sipates many fond illusions which early hope had painted in our imagination. We become cautious and apprehensive, and feel more acutely any sinister personal. " The law's delay, the proud man's contumely, The insolence of office, and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes." The ruling passion is strong in this third period of life, ambition, avarice. The loss of our first friends and parents, regrets for past, anxiety for the future, hinder the enjoyment of the present, occasions disap- pointment and ennui, bringing in its train perhaps palsy and gout. The grand climacteric, 63, if attained with health, should be enjoyed with fervent gratitude, and an endeavour to convert every irritating circum- stance into comfort and consolation. The writer hereof is now at sixes and sevcfis, beyond the sexagenerian period, the notitia of mortal decadency. Having attained the patriarclial period of seventy summers, nearly the termination of nature's long lease granted to us, the remainder of life then becomes a B XIV. pi'ecrtrious and oft a painful tenure of decadency and pain, decreasing ivourly to a dwindled span, and thence translated to another bourn illimitable and interminable. Hnply may its bliss be the appointed lot of all human (n-eatures. 1 feel thankful to have been preserved to old age in physical strength of frame, and not ineffi- cient in the mental powers and faculties which have been bestowed on me, although of a mediocre degree, yet they suffice for the purposes of a more vigorous aim and end of wordly pursuits than I have employed or exerted through life ; yet humbly conscious they should be estimated far below mediocrity. I may be time honoured for grey hairs only, yet unrenowned in written chi'onicles, and unentitled to the meed of public celebrity and fame, either at the present or posthumous period. Those who live secluded in the unostentatious career of pri^'ate existence, whether shorn of, or uninvested with, honors or riches, may be fully compensated for such deficiences by enjoying a state of unembittered quiescence and contentment, a sort of negative temper- ament of the mind, which we consider the best prepa- ratives, and humbly trust may ptove an auspicious felicitous advent to that rest which, under Providence, can no more be disturbed by change, chaos, or corrup- tion in the regions of eternity. In coelo quies. REMINISCENCY of EARLY ATTACHMENTS. 'Tis tlxe first impulse of the soul to love, And all its fond bewilderments to prove. Junetion of soul and flesh then oft unite To lead a new and lens^then'd life, by ri(ilil Of matrimonial rite, for day tiud night. Witness the youthful aspirant lor admission to si female heart, wliilst he vociferates his passion in loud avowals, seasoned with alternate whisj)ers in avdent protestations. Anon kneeling in prayer for her ac- ceptance of his vqjvs ; panting fw her responsive siglis and siniles which his inamorato reserves in abeyance until the spirit-stirring influence within becomes re- ciprocal. Then both are in love — in uno. Tlie lady idol is enshrined in his heart, to whom he ofiJers his iweense, and pours out some wmniixwv in (luick rapturous flights of metrical or prosaic I'ancv in flattering, improvisatori, the ready coinage of excited imagination, imbued with real tenderness and esteem. Corame il faut. b2 The first command in the decalogue strictly enjoins to man no worship to any other Gods but the alpha and omega — the Lord above. Yet it conveys no in- terdict against the adoration of Goddesses, who are not unusually the terrestrial deities of man's homage or devotion whenever, especially, he is head over ears enamoured of the fair, or " drowned in love." At such a juncture he finds his penates, his household gods, amongst fascinating mortals in the circle of his asso- ciates, and adulates the softer sex with devoted assi- duity. Not forgetting, we trust, the higher and sole claim for man's worship and reverence to Him who has created all things for our use ; who has bestowed those charms and qualities on womankind ; and endowed men's hearts with feelings to appreciate, respect, and cherish them in their respective phases and positions of virgins and daughters, wives and mothers. We must revere them, however, only as mortal beings, although trusting they may be admitted as coheirs of eternity, and attain to the inheritance of immortality in heaven's futurity. Love is an innate, undefinable mystery ; sometimes a poison in nectar ; the poetry of the soul ; imprudence in many of its votaries ; advantageous to the great majority who practise social moral duties. Providence has implanted its first impulses within us. We are intrusted with the guidance and the chances of its promoting our happiness when directed by judgment and reason. The pursuit is intoxicating to ardent en- thusiastic souls, in whose day dreams and night thoughts nature infuses its opium, its elixir of hope and fond desire. Tliis affection of the heax't appears to be the summum bonum, the summer of the mind, in all seasons, even winter inclusive. It seems to make multum in parvo by its circaen wand, which fetters all the senses, and like the talismanic magician can conjure up a fair bright Eden. May it ever be unintruded upon by the wily serpent who beguiled and fascinated our mother Eve and brought evil on mankind. The besoin d'oimer is a universal impression, ex- citing a corresponding sympathy in such as may enter- tain a similar sensation in conventional intercourse with each other. If not mutual, love is neither deep nor y reflection, strengthened by enjoyment, confirmed and cherished by old age and self esteem. Le beau renomimc vaut mieux que rcnceinte dore. 29 Fortune is reprcscnteJ as blind, because she dispenses licr favors indiscriminately on fools and knaves. But is she not kind to help those who canncjt help them- selves ? Our own exertions virtuoush/ employed will generally produce good fortune or success. Large fortunes, aa they are termed, are often accumulated by tortuous process, by unscrupulous dealings with our poorer brethren in trade. My dear native land, England ! with all thy faults I love thee still, and better still than any foreign clime, " Where'er I roam, \vliatever realms 1 sec, My heart imtraveU'd Ibncliy turns to thee." How many migrate to foreign parts to fly from them- selves ; ride and sail in quest of fresh stores of gratifi- cation for the nonce to dissipate ennui, and expend abroad what might be bestowed at home where they have derived the means. Some i-cturn with heads as empty as their purses. Their native land is not preferred by such emigrants. Absenteeism should be taxed, because it occasions increased imposts in England. Our country is ever inflicted with the civil strife of party zeal, and the lust of power and wealth. We are para- mount in commerce and arts, refined in luxury and indulgence to the very climax, to which the industrious classes aspire to attain, and fuiling too often experience re- verses and indigence which they might escape otherwise. Pride is the order of tlie day, the disordcT of our nature ; yet the self-pride of dignified honor and con- scious rectitude is unobjectionable. The pride of the 30 eye, the selt-love and importance of such as may be elevated by adventitious circumstances, render them sensitively sore, impatient for flattery or homage ; ex- posed also to the neglect or contempt of all who may not be temporarily dependent on them. This quality of hauteur is characteristic of some nations, who how- ever cherish and possess some redeeming qualities, they arc brave, gallant, and honorable. Their valour would sit more easy on them without so much starch, buckram, or tight lacing. A proud haughty character cannot be comfortable in the absence of servility or homage. When alone and reflective he should ask himself whether he is not insane or imbecile for playing the fool or the hypocrite before the world. For he must change his parts on the stage of society, must condescend to bend to his superiors, from whom he may expect in return contempt or ridicule. His equals will treat his loftiness with indifference and nonchalance. So long as interest leads his inferiors they will give him suit and service with formal deference, insincerity, and ill grace. A proud man, as one who walks on stilts, appears paramount, aloft and aloof from the world, and peering over the heads of such as look up to him. He sets a high value on his own dear self, but he is low in the tariff of the market, at a heavy discount, when duly appreciated by independent arbi- ters. " I am Sir Oracle, when I 'ope my mouth let no dogs bark !" The bad as well as the good kings of the earth are exalted /«r above the grade of human kind in artificial supremacy. The afflicted and impoverished members of society are in reality debased in the Itnvcst degree. D'^ath alone restores the cquitbrmity, and is the pre- cursor to a more eventl'ul change, when these may be raised to life immortal ; those once orowned in regal pomp and pride now prostrate to the king of kings before his dread tribunal. Good kings have been rare by rcai5on of the paucity of virtuouri ministers. "Take away the wicked I'rom before the king and his throne shall cnduife." Louis XIV. of France, le grand (gourmand) was a hardened sinner, a scourge to the human race. Ilis twenty years war cost nearly a million of his subjects, slaughtered to ambition ! I Ic and the wretched minions of his court, by the revocation of the edict of Nantz, banished and destroyed four hundred thousand reformed Huguenots, his subjects, to please his brother bigot of Spain. His sycophants and flatterers almost deified the despot ; lie was Lcgrand IMonarche tout puissant. Would it had pleased heaven to select him as the only victim to his pestiferous ambition and thirst for blood. The climax of imperial turpitude ha;3 been personated in the dynasty of Buonaparte, who from his early youth elicited instances of a base depraved heart. His career in after life affords no traits of a mitigating redeeming nature. Ambition, rapacity, robbery, and wrong, tracked his malignant paths which led to general con- fusion. The vices of his country and the onslaughts of its enemies offer the only excuse, the sole apology, for his Satanic conduct. The detention of English visitors resident in France during and after the treaty of 32 Amiens excludes the dethroned Emperor from any other feeling towards him but that of execration. I venture to say with Laertes' sister, " There's rue for you." The Amphitron transport, lost on the French coast, 31st August, 1833, when 150 unfortunate young females perished in the sea grave. The shrieks and terrors of these unhappy victims of the storm have ceased, their sorrows and despair are whelmed in the great deep. The unrelenting waves have closed the tragic scene, and we trust have obliterated their errors, and propitiated a just a beneficent creator. He, who evokes the storm and calms the elemental tempest, can alone in his good time give succour. Ye opulent and powerful reflect and be grateful that no wants or privations need urge or tempt to such misdeeds as have driven these young deserted creatures to ignominious exile, to a premature sea death. Dl starred bygone mortals ! on that piteous night was no arm raised to succour. Ho soothing voice respondent to your cries and prayers, save the screaming of the sea bird, the roaring winds, and moaning billows, consigning ye naked and beaute- ous even in death, to a foreign shore. Ye are not lost for ever we trust. The angel of omnipotence may have snatched you from a wearied existence; points to a boundless sky where brighter worlds are seen, bids ye be of good cheer, and weep no more. Ye lost sad victims of distress adieu, Your toils and pains and dangers arc no more. 33 The tempest now may howl unheard by you, While ocean smites in vain the trembhng shore. Vet shall retacmbrancc from oblivion's veil Relieve the scene and sigh with griet sincere, And soft compassion at your tragic talc In silent tribute pay her kindred tear. •■ While hope expires, and peril and dismay Wave their black ensigns on the wafry way." CHARITY. Charity begins at home (where she should reign, but not remain,) this familiar adage is often quoted proba- bly when an apology is y«?quired for selfishness. Let her commence the benevolent work in her ain house, but not stay at liome, in morbid locality she should travel, make domiciliary visits to the cottage of the in- digent, the bedside of sorroAv and sickness. Can she endure the pangs of sulTcring and afflicted mortals ? Charity can soothe the departing hours of a brother or sister of mortality accompany their fervent dying aspi- rations to heaven and jointly partake its blessed conso- lations. When the hoary head lifts uj) his feeble eye for pity, can we, who perhaps indulge in superfluous luxuries, feel reckless of his wants or sufferings ? Charity may cover a multitude of sins ; yet we dare not repeat them in the Ibnd hope that the exercise of benevolence (which i? a duty) can veil or obtain our ;abPolution, cr immunity lor trespass. This excellent attribute of chnrity should never tire in pursuing the 34 even tenor of ite way, going about to do good and pre- vent evil. Like the quality of mercy it droppeth as the gentle dew from heaven upon the place beneath, it ia twice blest ; it blesseth him that gives, and him that takes: and irradiates with kind beneficence (as the ' glorious orb of day) all objects within the sphere of its benign influence and searching eye. " Fairest and foremost of the train that wait, On man's most dignified and happy state : Whether we name thee charity or love, Chief grace below, and all in all above," *' God working ever on a social plan, By various ties attaches man to man, Ah ! little think the gay licentious proud, Whom pleasure power and affluence surround, How many feel tliis very moment death, And all the sad variety of pain." Charity is quite at home in our dear country, I hope to escape the charge of national vanity or egotism, when exulting over the numerous public institutions scattered throughout the land, hospitals schools alms- houses offer gratuitous succour in every quarter, all open as the day for melting charity and compassion. To the founders and benefactors, all honor praise and esteem are due ! Such deeds are recorded in imperish« able characters on the tablets which saith " Forasmuch as you have done this unto one of your fellow - creatures, ye have done it unto lue." Rome in the pinnacle of ficr glory and relincmcnt, [)0ssessed none of these laudable establishments, nor places of refuge or relief for the destitute or sick poor citizens : arts and arol.s 35 were alone in the ascendant, and by corruption luxury and war, she fell like lucifer never to rise again. Yet the {)3eudo called eternal city has reared its head, crowned in pontificial supremacy, in empiric sway, which may ere long dissolve and leave not a wrack of clrimera be- hind ! Charity at some early period may be absorbed in love, Hope in bliss, and Faith in glorious certainty, de facto love to God and man is the Avarp and woof of the christians new vesture without a seam. " Order is heaven's first law, and this confest. Some are and must be wiser than the rest : More rich, more wise, but to infer from hence. That such are happier, shocks all common sense." The various ascending and descending series of rank in society are wisely ordained, are essential to each member and form an harmonious whole ; the highest order is dependent on the lowest and vice versa, the middle classes derive advantages from both ; were each in their several stations to act conscientiously and keep themselves unspotted from the world : Moore's Utopia would be realized, millenium would be anticipated. " All crimes would cease, and ancient fraud would fail, Returning justice, Uft aloft lier scale," But the highly favoured classes have not attained this state of blessedness ; richer but not wiser or better than their generation. The intermediate order also press forward in the emulating display of luxuries which ai'e deemed necessaries, superfluities are then considered £ 36 essentials: Many a worthy tradesfolk vies with his neighbour in the sumptuousness of his boutique or magazin de mode, for which he expects remuneration from his customers, to recompense his builder. They must also assume the dress and address of the beau- monde : equipages, villas, and hospitality, swell their vanity and yearly bills : Alas experience is disregarded until the punishment of our folly overtakes us, perhaps unprepared to encounter and satisfy the creditors de- mands. The humble mechanic and artizan is allured to take libations in gin poison temples for which he ac- counts in purse, and constitution : thousands have disclaimed and forsaken this vice, thus tendering a noble instance of self-denial and forbearance, to those who should set the first and best example ; I mean their superiors in station. The exalted position of la Creme du Bongenre is commanding, and will ever insure respect and subordination when exercised in patronage and gracious deportment of manners. Some there are not quite unexceptionable ; those scions of nobility who graft on fair nymphs de danse, de theatre, &c., who lose their patrimony and character in motley and low indul- gencies, gaming, intrigues, amours, and a catalogue of follies and egaremens. The frog emulating the size of the ox, and puffed up with envy, burst his cerements. Mr John Bull is oft so far expanded with pride, inflated with luxury and repletion, that it may be his turn to experience the same re.sult. Very many members of the Bull family manifest puffing to an ordinate degree; hence ihey are vulgarly termed " SAvells," or enfles. 37 Analogy appears to be a powerful weapon iu the hands of the materialists, who seems disposed to doubt the immortality of the soul. Scepticism derives its false position from premises which yield wrong infer- ences. Reason echoes the truth of revelation, and confirms our faith. But even should the doubt of futurity involve the denial, all that is endearing in society will be lost in the comparative insignificance of the present state. These effects are visible in the not unfrequent misconduct of social depravity and self in- dulgence, under the desperate delusion of impunity or irresponsibility. What we will not believe to-day, we may be compeHed to have faith in to-morrow, the very hour perliaps of our mortal departure from the land. Some anatomists (we read) doubt in the existence of the soul, because they cannot transfix it on the knife. Yet the moment they begin to doubt the existence of mind the very act of doubting proves it. They affirm that the mind is intimately connected with the body, that botli are inseparably identified. Yot it happens that we often see the body survive the mind in one man, and the mind outlive the body in another. Para- lysis will enervate some to debility, without any corres- ponding weakness of the mind, which if it be material why can we not feel or see it ? But the brain, even the pineal gland, has been injured by disease without affecting the patient with alienation of mind. The faculties of thought cannot be identical parts of the body, but are immaterial and distinct. If it were ad- mitted that mind is corporeal, what has death to do with its annihilation ? Death has no such power over £2 38 matter. If the wondrous microcosm man, with all his powers and faculties, were fitted out for destruction only, who would be reconciled to the perils of life's voyage. The future state is fervently aspired to by all of an intellectual nature. Such as are sensual may fancy the creed of the materialist more consonant to their suicidal practice and feelings. But the connec- tion of the mind with the Almighty Being who created us ; the divinity that stirs within us, points outs an hereafter, and intimates eternity to man. In consider- ing such sublime subjects, the soul expands as if shaking off its terrestrial state and returning to its source. An internal silent evidence of immortality. Let us spurn those desolating doctrines which rob affliction of its last consolation, which remove the bridle from the passions of the powerful and wealthy, drives from the bottom of the heart all remorse for crime, banishes all hope from virtue. In our adoration of the supreme being we shall in a breath destroy these phantoms of false reasoning, which will fly like sha- dows before immutable truth. Gloria in excelsis deo. He who is good will infallibly grow better ; and such as are evil will degenerate and grow worse. Neither virtue or vice stand still. Such as affect singularity successfully should first determine to be virtuous, and they will too often be singular. Virtue being in a minority although a general favourite. 39 Few pity the misfortunes of others. Tliousands envy and hate them in success unless they are allowed to participate. " One fool makes many," was retorted on an uxorious loquacious didapper, when he quoted the number of his offspring at his convivial club, boasting he had as many children as he could count his digits to both hands, which was considered by the calculating members of the fraternity as ten to one. Hoping the babes would emulate their sire, Though he would never set the Thames on fire. Folly is no doubt contagious, and finds many imitators in all classes, especially where prudence is out of reach to check the vanity of ostentatious ruinous display. The dupes of charlatans and imposters may be ranked with the weak and credulous, who persuade others to be imposed upon as they have submitted to its cheats themselves. Dr. Brodum practised every manoeuvre and chicane to vend his nostrums, and boasted that he was indebted to the class of simple folks for his success, to those having more money than wit ; or intellects Ijelow par. Dr. M n, the late hygeist or hei'balist, has inun- dated the public with his drastic pills, giving temporary relief, but sinking the powers of the system, and oft re»iiuiring a subsequent different treatment as a counter irritation, should the patients survive those dispensing •runibs of gamboge, aloes, wild cucumber, &c. &c., by e3 40 which they are expedited on their journey to their last home at railroad pace. Mr. C — e, of New Ormond Street, is an extensive dealer in antibilious pills. His studio and laboratory is the cockloit, or garret. I have ventured on that account to call him cockletop. These empirics incur little expence, except for advertisements, for which the unwary and gullible are taxed, their stock-in-trade being intrinsically worth nothing. Cockle puffs his pills in the papers daily, and gives extract lines from Horace. The devil can quote scripture for his purpose. Yet Cockle in his cockle shell Thrives, and is doing very well. Universities carry on their debates by syllogisms and logical argument. States and communities manage and adjust disputes by levies of troops which pretend to carry conviction by dint of sword and gun. Vi et armis. Torture was resorted to in the darker ages with stripes, fire, and faggot, by way of refinement on bar- barity and folly. In all ages reasoning with ready money seldom fails ; bribing a man's opinion succeeds when all other per- suasives do not move. Arguments from the mint furnisli.golden opinions, remove all doubts or scruples, bends the obstinate, silences the loud and clamorous. This influential metal in hand, well and truly paid, at times neutralizes patriotism, love of country, vows and protestations in favor of reform or amelioration of public grievances. By this talismanic touch the whole 41 code ol' rariocination is transformed to expediency or self interest, when champions for their country's rights and vantages too often rat to the safest sinister side to pick up crumbs that may fall, loaves, fishes, and any creature comforts of place or pension which may dazzle their weak sight, their vascillating or corrupt principles. Such rats should wear the decoration of a chain or collar round the neck to denote their order and apostacy, their mountebank politics, who, camelion-like, vary their colours ; like Proteus, change to any shape, now as an angel's form, then an ape. The material part of creation is a fit subject for con- templation, the system of bodies into whicli nature has wrought the mass of dead matter, the shell of the uni- verse, the world of life, its inhabitants, every part of matter, every green leaf swarms. The microscope dis- covers myriads. The surface of animals is covered with others. Seas, lakes, and rivers also teem with numberless living creatures. Mountains, marshes, wilderness, and woods are stocked with birds and beasts, with necessaries and conveniences for the sus- tenance of the multitudes which inhabit them. From the analogy of reason it seems probable that no part of matter of nature's creation lies dormant or useless. The planets, are they not peopled with beings adapted to their respective situations. Infinite goodness seems to delight in conferring existence upon every degree of perceptive beings. By a gradual progress the world of life appears to advance through a great variety of species before a creature is formed complete in all its senses. The instinct or cunning rising one above 42 another, according to their relative nature and require- ments. The whole chasm, from a plant to a man, is filled up with divers kinds of creatures, rising by gentle ascent. An inference (from this goodness of the Su- preme Being) may be deduced that as the scale of beings from the lowest rises so high as man, we may hy parity of reason conclude that it proceeds gradually through those beings of a superior nature to Him the Eternal ! since a far greater space or void exists be- tween God and man, than between man and the most insignificant insect. And this idea may be granted as suitable to the magnificent harmony of the universe and the design of the great architect. Man is the link in the chain of beings " nexus utriusque mundi." And whilst he may look upon a being of infinite perfection as liis father, in another respect may say to corruption, " Thou art my father," and to the worm " Thou art my sister and mother." Death is the en,d of life to the wicked, the beginning of that state to the just, we opine. '* One thing is certain, when this hie is o'er, Man dies to live, and lives to dies no more." The mortal span in worldly trials past, Preclusive to the life which ever lasts. Half the business of life is occupied in prevention and counteraction of evil, in providing remedies and antidotes for troubles, disasters, and sickness. One great evil generates a host of minor ones ; thus they never come alone, as the old proverb recites, ce'st le premier pas qui coute. Should the first step be dexter and dextrous, sinister results may be prevented. 43 " A time there was, 'ere England's griefs began. When ev'ry rood of ground maintained its man ; For him light labour spread her wholesome store, Just gave what life requires, but gave no more. But times arc alter'd, trades unfeeling train Usurp tlie land and dispossess the swain. Along the lawn where scatter'd hamlets rose, Unwieldly wealth and cumbrous pomp repose, And every want to luxury allied, And every pang that folly pays to pride." Goldsmith's oracular version of his own times has not undergone much change, nor is it much over- charged in comparison with the passing events of the present day. The able political statistical strictures on the Bread Corn Bill contain such able discussion as to leave little room for hazarding adverse opinions. It is presumed that barter of corn, and timber, &c., for goods should be established in lieu of speculative orders at abrupt and uncertain intervals. When our harvests fails, the monetary system is convulsed ; gold is sent out of the country instead of our manufactured goods. One fact is too apparent, the protecting price for the landlord is much too high for bread eaters, whose scanty means allow them inadequate resources to purchase other ne- cessaries of life. We may here revert to the period when the Corn Bill was passed in I8I0, and the excitement of the public, who made an attack on the house of Lord Ripon, then Mr Robinson, in Palace Yard. The soldiery saved the premises and perhaps the inmates from de- struction ; one of the insurgents was shot. The 44 obnoxious bill iniglit have been repealed, for since that period it appears incoiitestible that the population of the nation have sustained a heavy calamity by the unjust impost on the staple article of man's subsistence, the staff of life. A retrospect still further back may be viewed of the sad calamities of our Gallic neighbours, which may date their origin from several besetting ills, the causes of many national disasters, viz., the failure of the na- tional finances, public debt, individual poverty, the highly taxed bread, the gabelle or salt tax monopoly, the exactions of the farmers general of the taxes, and last, not least, the reckless levity of the court and noblesse, accruing since the demoralizing reign of Louis Quatorze, y'cleped legrand. Let us hope and pray that no similar causes may ever occur in any other nation to excite apprehension and dread of similar results. " Give us this day our daily bread, All else beneath the sun, Thou know'st if best bestowed or not, And let thy ^vill be done." Providence is ever unicersally bountiful and bene- ficent to all. Man restricts, curtails his distribution of its choicest gifts to the few, yet we may observe fre- quent charity and benevolence around. We ai'e told, and I believe the tale, that mortgages and expensive domestic establishments occasion maximum prices, so as to interdict importation of wheat from foreign ports at moderate rates, mutually beneficial ; that the aver- ages quoted are fallacious, and the market sales ficti' 45 tlous and fraudulent. The farmers rents and the cost of bread are consequently enhanced in an extravagant ratio for the squirearchy landholders. The manufac- turer is said to be injured through the restrictions on the transit and interchange of manufactured goods with foreigners. The late Mr. Deacon Hume, whom I well knew at the Custom House, has asserted that one hundred millions per annum is the amount of tax on the nation through the ill arranged commercial tarifi' restrictions, which according to the population census of twenty-five millions constitutes a tax of £4 per head, including old men and infants, throughout the united kingdom. Taxation, direct and indirect, is about one hundred and fifty millions per year. Luxui-y may be necessary to employ and give bread to the poor, but without luxury extreme poverty would be more rare. Luxury supports a state even as the sculptured figures of the Caryatides appear to support a palace which they decorate. It should have its limits ; it is beneficial in moderation. If a retinue of fifty powdered lacqueys are not considered voluptuous, one asks why a hundred should not be retained. If superb silver plateux are indispensible, why are they not of gold. He who builds a lofty costly tower, why not raise it to the skies, like the monuments of folly to Belus in Ba- bylon, and by Beckford of Fonthill. Rosseau I believe has said, " I defy any one of sense to contemplate one hour in a princely palace during its -plendour, without feeling a melancholy reflexion on the condition of humanity." Ancient governments 46 etiected more by parsimony, than modern ones with all their treasures. Luxury under restrictions when con- tined to one class of society is rather beneficial, but when it infects the middling industrious orders, effemi- nacy and indulgence, incompatible with their station, misdirects, and oft effects their ruin ; they become dis- satisfied with mediocrity, which may be esteemed as the very end and aim of bliss on earth : then the lower orders assume a higher position emulating the external position of their superiors, they aspire to the same advantages, and their career is not unusually success- full and durable : such parvenus exercise more caution and thrift, than those who are born to the inheritance of wealth, and ideas of independance, which are most apt to neutralize those valuable qualities : two millions per annum are exhausted to french marchandes de modes ! Hope and a contented mind is a continual feast : whatever alloy or dissapointment may occur is but a fleeting cloud, passing over the sunshine of the soul, unnoticed, unheeded. THEATRES. Theatres when well conducted, constitute the delight the charm, of a great portion of societ}' : they furnish instruction, as well as amusement, to such as are zeal- ous for the cultivation of the mind and manners of the 47 outward and inner man : in the various personations of character, truth must be embellished to be attractive, she must adorn herself to fascinate the eye and ear, we are not dissatisfied with a little improbability, burlesque, or caricature, a la moliere, yet when too higlily season- ed, the appetite of the mind loses its relish for simple unadorned truth and loveliness, which are seen in many of our refined elegant English comedies. Notwith- standing the deserved applause earned by the managers for classic erudite and splendid scenic displays : the taste of the public has undergone a gradual change, it has become more domesticated, less erratic from home after the days close of employment in bodily or mental application. The employment of leisure hours ui families has be- come more recherche than formerly : music, reading, conversation and cards, have increased attractions. The promiscuous indiscriminate mixture of the fair sex, deters many parents from introducing daugliters to the theatre, the constant, patronage of the public can alone remunerate the managers for the excessive charges to which they are subject, namely, the cost of the erection of Covent Garden, and Drury Lane theatres, at a very expensive period for building : insurances in lire ofiices : enormous salaries to pertbrmers, some of whom have received ten times tlie weekly pay of their more skilful predecessors. The late Mr Keane, Hrew from Drury Lane, France, .and America, more than £160,000 1 because he drew good houses: tlie vapid appetite of play-goers, for costly pageantry and show, K 48 has also conspired to impoverish tiieir treasury, and left them poor indeed. At the theatre in Berlin, no dress circles are pro- vided, so as to distract the attention from the scenery, to dress fine and stare at each other, neither a glare of lights, they are subdued and managed to shed a dim twilight, thus the attention is confined to the stage operations. Such as pay constant visits to theatres, must be attracted by fashion, or driven by ennui, or a vacuity of mind : domestic enjoyments are more simple and natural : stage performances prepare youth for tender sentiments, and the more delicately love is painted, the stronger is the excitement : if represented coarsely, it must be repellent : the ascendency of women over men is ever depicted, and such as impose restraints on them are shown up to ridicule : such as imbecile fathers, guardians, &c., who are made the victims of intrigue, laughed at, and often thrashed in the bargain : comedy should pourtray the manners of the people, to correct their foibles or vices, (veluti in speculum.) The more agreeable and perfect the personation of the hero, or heroine of the piece, the more pernicious is the effect on the audience : who applaud cunning and fourberie, more than the straightforward manners of an estimable character less prominent. A Cataline is brought to view, extorting applause for his talent and courage : the sanguinary Sylla wept at the recital of cruelties, if not perpretated by himself, the tyrant of Phire hid himself in the theatre that he might not be seen to 49 sigh with Andromache and Priam over the woes of Troy and its race : but the wretch could hear without any emotion the cries of the unfortunate undergoing pain and death by his orders. Had our indigenous English opera been patronized with half the zeal which has been bestowed on the Italian opera, Fop's alley, it would have far surpassed it in excellence and attraction. Macready, the manager at Drury Lane, with his classic skill in the production of " Acis and Galatea," has far outshone in every par- ticular the Italian drama. The audience were en- chanted ; no careless chit chat was witnessed, nor the languid raising of an eye glass, so intensely was their admiration rivetted. The elegant simplicity of our native performers, the debutante females speaking in our own language, and giving utterance to English melody which delights the ear and moves the heart, would soon (if duly encouraged) acquire the ascendancy over exotic extravagancies. Dialogue in recitative, bravuras and buifas, divine Rubini, and the constella of the cantatrices, prima donnas, &c., tearing a passion to tatters in an unknown tongue. Why should not this drama Romane be exclusively reserved for the distingue ? who throw into the laps of foreign musi- cians £150,000 per annum; who pay £15,000 every year to foreign danseuses and male professors of pirouette and toetalism ; £10,000 a year to French cooks; are we not Sybarites in voluptuousness? Peterkin was said to be as drunk as a Lord. I cun- . 90 Hypocrisy is the deference which vice pays to virtue, or the veil to hide sinister thoughts or actions, like the assassins of Julius Caesar, who prostrated themselves at his feet to destroy him more securely. The mask may be worn for a time, whilst falsehood and dissimulation are in temporary success, but when torn away by truth and exposed by reason how hideous is the portraiture of the base counterfeit in all his original deformity. Charles the Ninth, of France, a young king of in- famous memory, furnishes a sad instance. He paid a visit to Admiral Coligny after he had been shot at and wounded in the streets of Paris (by his orders), accosted him thus: " You, my dear friend have re- ceived the wound, but is / who suffer. That same night a council was held, who decided a general massacre of the Protestants at midnight on the eve of Saint Bartholomew's day, when one hundred thousand were butchered by the myrmidoms of this devil king. He died in all the horrors of despair and a guilty soul. Catherine de Medicis, with the conjunction of the Romish Pontiff, were the infernal agents of this, and many other minor tragedies. History abounds with records of weakness and wickedness — permitted for a time. The surest way to' enforce obedience to the governors is to obtain the esteem of the governed for the laws and ordinances of the land. The frequency of punishments is a sign of weakness or idleness in a government. Its relative good is the population; when they diminish in 91 numbers, or increase in vice, especially in drunkenness and it is not discouraged, the state declines. The people never rebel against the laws unless the Grovernment first commence by encroaching or tyran- nijiing over the property and liberty of the subject. In such cases the people recover their rights and re- sume their influence; the power should ever remain with the former. The law is the wholesome organ of the consenting will of all, established by natural equality between men. The poor must be protected against the domina- tion of the rich. The more multifarious are the laws, the less are they respected. It introduces fresh re- strictions without correcting the first. When expen- diture and corruption augment or pervade all the departments the people will at least mumur and utter with a sigh, " All our evils arise from those whom we pay for protecting us from them." Those laws are most important when engraved on the hearts of the citizens, for they will be maintained in the spirit as in the letter. This is the healthy constitution of the state acquiring daily strength, irresistible, all powerful. It cements the love and esteem with the cooperative labors of all classes of the community; such is the state of Great Britain. Esta perpetua. What is man? Formed for great attainments yet ever imperfect. " He never is, but always to he blest." Somewhat an absurd animal. In his vices abominable. His few virtues not devoid of silliness. He has religion without devotion; philosophy without wisdom; 92 the divine passion, love, too oft without true affection ; anger without real cause; wit without discretion. In old age we see avarice united to wealth; letchery, gout, and impotency, like three palsied monkeys, or as many London apprentices, driving to perdition. It is not rare to hear deep politicians, with second childishness, zealous in the great cause of national welfare and pub- lic virtue. They will declaim in the country's cause, and vote away most magnanimously the public treasure, rather tenacious of their own, sometimes hermetically sealed in the breeches pocket. The web of our existence is of a mingled yarn of weal and woe interwoven. Our virtues would assume pride were they not scourged by our faults. Our crimes and errors would lead one to despair were they not cherished and consoled by our virtues, which quietly strive within us for ascendancy, like the still voice of incense breathing morn. My brethren; ye who lord it over the gentler sex; allow me to maintain my conviction of their superiority over us in piety, morals, truth, candour, charity, and in the train of graces. We must laud them for these virtues, whilst their manners and personal charms attract our admiration. The exceptions that may occur do not infringe the rule, which are caused by the sterner sex, who ought and act almost universally as the pror tectors of God's fairest works. Man is stronger, physically braver, and constituted to guard and love the fair as they are formed to please, to cherish him in his cares through life. 93 Base and unworthy to live is Le who can neglect, desert, or cause her heart to droop in sorrow, to wit- ness her bright eyes sutfused in tears, perhaps unre- pining in silent woe, to crop the fair flower, then cast it like a loathsome weed away. He is a monster disguised, or disgraced in huimin form. She will be blest here- after; what may befal or await his demerits is less certain, not less to be dreaded. Our first parent thus addresses Eve : " But neither breath of morn, when she ascends With charm of earliest birds, nor herb, fruit, flower, Guttering with dew, nor fragrance after showers, Nor grateful evening mild, nor silent niglit With this her solemn bird, nor walk by moon, Or glittering starhght, without thee is sweet.' An abler artist can paint the subject and pex'haps draw his conclusions clearer. He may describe the sun shedding his potent influence on this mighty conglomeration. Although he cannot quite portray The scene as it may melt away. INTEMPERANCE IN EATING. Life is no more retjuired to be passed in a round of selt-denial than in constant sensual enjoyments. We should endeavour to deny ourselves what is improper, and therefore practisi- tliis virtue and forego what 94 would delight us, and not abuse the gifts of Providence or debase ourselves in excess. The fewer our wants the more independent we are. When fancy and a voluptuous appetite multiply our necessities we become degenerate, verified by the increase of disease the mes- senger of death; some are voracious, load themselves with food unlike the beasts who are moderate in the indulgence of appetite. Wherever the utmost simpli- city of diet is partaken, the greatest length of life has been attained. The stomach being overloaded disten- sion and fullness of the vessels ensues, the fibres become relaxed,, the circulation languid, perspiration is diminished, and obstructions are created, the humours become viscid and soon corrupt and disorganise. There are not many proprietors of estates who can afford the expense of what is called an elegant table, which sub- jects one not only to the original cost, but the waste of the luxuries set before us. By frugal meals disease and pain are easily prevented, both very diflScult to cure. Our decay advances insensibly, the approaches of death are as gentle as those of sleep, the passions are calmed, the lusts subdued, and the purity of the heart preserved. The fashion for dining later and later every day will end in deferring that meal till to-morrow, or to trans- pose dinners for the night suppers in the morning. Life is a parenthesis between birth and death. In the reign of Augustus the notorious glutton Apicius poisoned himself for fear of starving, having only 250,000 crowns remaining in his coffers. 95 DRUNKENESS. t)runkeness renders a man contemptible in appear- ance, prevents the repose of confidence in him Ic^st he should betray your interests, the crafty have an undue advantage over him. He need uot require a stronger argument to reclaim him against this vice, thau a view of himself in a fit of intoxication The health of a hard drinker must suffer. Every bout is a fever at the time, a good constitution may escape delirium tremens, or sudden death by apoplexy, or other appliances : sO may the soldier be saved from the ball in the battle field, a solitary exception to the rule, a sort of gam- bling speculation to confide in^ But the debauche soon finds disrelish -for his plainest food, his strength decayed, his frame wasted, the mind becomes sensibly affected, he descends to idiotism or madness, through a long course of excess man is a mere driveller, and the sequence is premature death. Some drink to raise the spirits, but this artificial stimulus depresses and weakens them. The inflaming potions through the veins tends to lewdness irrespec*^ tive of fornication or adultery, anger contention and scurrility are offences into which they may be betrayed^ indeed we seldom see drinking to excess unattended by strife and provocation. If we desire to be brought to n dislike of wine behold ! the indecencies of the drunken, when we employ ourselves usefully or innocently, we need not fly to wine as a resource, even under cares and afllictions, We must avoid the society of such as are addicted to this vice, for our pre- K 96 ftcnce would be construed as a tacit reproach, unless wc partook of the revelry. Let us not injure our liealth by toasting that of our convivials, nor allow so much of that to tuiter our mouth to steal away our senses. Inordinate eating or drinking is the common cause of apoplexy. Spirituous liquors are highly inju- riou.i to health. The abuse of malt liquor disposes chiefly to that disease. Eat sparingly, and less of aiiimai than of vegetable food. Avoid strong wines and beer ; eschew suppers ; take strong exercise, we shall not then require medicine as a counter irritation to a system deranged by imprudence. The habits of the community of England as far as regards this vice have not progressed favourably. Ardent spirits of deleterious compound form the staple of the working man. The drams of juniper berry juice and vitriol are insidoous poisons. The state, the gin spinner, and the distiller divide the honor and profits of this debasing trade, in which poverty and disease are considerable shareholders, not unmixed with crime. Temperance and teetotalism will ere long prostrate these temples and palaces reared on, the folly of its devotees and victims. A patient in St. Thomas's Hospital, a coalheaver, told the medical attendant the quantum of his ordinary daily potations, when in a working condition, consisted of one pint of porter and one glass of gin per hour consecutively. Several thousand inebriated sons of Bacchus are in the course of each year brought before the notice of the metropolitan magistrates. Ireland and America have began and seem to porsc- 97 vere in the laudatory practice of temperaiu'c and sobriety ; yet may it not be carried to extreme? ? Let us consider. The grape of tlie luxuriant vim- was assuredly bestowed on man to be pressed and tasted temperately, to invigorate tlie frame and gladden the heart; giving him as Holy Writ says, a rheerful coun- tenance. The voluptuary indulges without restraint until he finds his frame reduced to a mi>5erable collapse. Hypochondriasm attacks the fancied invalid : he suffers from indigestion, or a depression oi" the animal and vital functions, from anxiety or over exertion of mind and body. Rest for a time and nutritive food, with a mind unruffled are good restoratives, unless the system be irreparably prostrated. The labouring poor are di'iven to the beersbop", for their invigorating amusements have been wrested from thein one by one. The cottage garden has in ma»y instances vanished ; their cricket grounds are tak^^n away ; commons enclosed ; thus forlorn and without legitimate means of relaxation they become besotted, demoralized, and brutalized in those dens ; the focii of the thief and burglar. The outbreak in Monmouth proceeded from a beer- shop in that town ; such establishments are mischievous to society, and should be discouraged by legislation, which can much easier prevent than cure publie evils. No tumults would occur, men would be ever quiet, If well employ'd, kind rul'd, with ample diet. The old system in farming establishments has under- K 2 98 gone a serious change, since the labourers who formerly found a domicile under the roof of his master is now driven for shelter to a neighbour stranger, or consigned to pothouse or beershop fraternity. PRUDENCE. Small by degrees, and gradually less, As wasteful follies get us in a mess. Then, nothing is the zero of the fool. Who gets in debt whilst he should live by rule, And squaring all his means to ev'ry want. May say to fortune, should she frown, avaunt! Let us be warn'd by such a profligate. Nor postpone our retrenchment till too late; From vicious courses ruin takes its date. Great Britain has enjoyed more luxury, corruption, and taxation than any other nation ; yet those who have founded their presages of her decline by the analogies from other states have happily failed in their logical inferences. She has many points d'appui to rest 99 upon; resources such as are unavailable by those coun- tries quoted as examples. Two great sources of strength are coal and iron. The bond of union, cou- rage and patriotism. The national credit, freedom of the press and trial by jury are mutually preservative of each other; the sinews of the body corporate. The sun doth not set on her possessions. As all human institu- tions are imperfect let us be reconciled to minor evils which may beset us from without, and appreciate the good we may insure within, and rather bear the ills we have than fly to others that we know not of. Freedom is rarely inherited by a people, they raise themselves to liberty, which when earned is best en- joyed. A nation is not free where reforms are neu- tralized by undue corrupt iniluence, and rendered abor- tive where factions take different roads to one goal. Neither can she be free from turmoil and danger whilst the rulers will not feel for the people until they are compelled to feel with those who complain, when it becomes too late to concede what would then be en- forced. That nation is enslaved that is bought by its own consent and sold against it, and where from high to low, from the noble to the peasant. Religion is a matter of indifference to one, and with the other a subject of fanaticism. In this enlightened j\ge it may be found salutary- to curb freedom, from extending to licentiousness, and restrain the democratic spirit within the confines of a limited well organized monarchy, best fftted for an iu) proved state of society, as well as counteracting and repressing ambition amongst the K o 100 oligarclis, happily controlled since the overthrow of the feudal system and its concomitant abuses. Fashion, the queen of simples, wearing the livery of foUy, has relaxed much in the austerities practised and enforced in the days of our revered parents. We all remember when neither sex could pay or receive visits without a puif preliminary from the frizeur, and being encumbered with fat and flour kneaded into the hair. Ladies dressing for a ball must then undergo a two hours sitting under the hands of this onion tainted garlic eating barber on the previous night, besides training and tormenting the scapula for a fortnight prior with a stuffed cushion and black pins; one night's rest was sacrificed to fashion in order to make the next night a sacrifice to foUy in the crowded saloon. It was a hairbtained age. We pity the Chinese ladies who are confined at home by tight shoes and bandages; yet our fair country- women by tight lacing impede the functions of the animal system, and injure the juvenile offspring. Pre- mature death is not an unfrequent occurrence. Modern dandies resort to this constricting distinction with corsets or braces. The human form is thus dis- torted and disfigured, the spine and ribs contorted. Can we imagine that a living resemblance of the statue of Venus de Medicis, or Apollo Belvidere, could be improved by ligatures and compressing bandages? Qui bono ? The practice of giving vails at a friendly visit is now 101 happily abrogated, and we escape the penalty and penance of running the gauntlet through a hall of laced mendicants for fees. At these formal ceremonious dinners whence probably no cards of invitation would be issued in the event of the party wanting a good meal, or had not the means and appliances to return the compliment to the host. The man of pleasure may be designatexi with greater propriety the creature of pain. He pays for his grati- fication and repentance at an enormous rate, and dis- poses the reversion of real ease and comfort for the perishable reality of sated ephemeral enjoyments for a poor boon indeed; a quoi bon. " OflFeud not modesty on no pretence, For want of decency is want of sense." Society in the sphere of life demands all our energies lor mutual usefulness. He who secludes liimself in cells, to flagellation, and f\uuine, to earn an immortal crown deceiveth himself. " Who hath required tliis at your hands ?" This question should make him pause before he inflicts stripes or uses the horsehaii- vestment. Beware of hypocrisy, God is not mocked. Tlie social genuine spirit of Christianity lias been misused by fools and knaves. The day is past (we trust) when pseudo Saints could travel post to paradise by the smack of the whip on their devoted carcases; as if virtue were only skin deep, and devotion like a top to be kept up by flogging. About as ridiculous or irra- tional as the required self inflictions of Saucho Panza 102 to the tune of two tliousand and odd stripes to disen- chant Dulcinea del Toboso, who had no existence but in the small brain, or cerebellum, of the bewildered Knight of La Mancha, Don Quixotte. The advances in knowledge discover the simple primary rules that regulate the apparently endless and multiplied works of the Deity ; to whom time is as a moment, all space as a point. He fills both, yet is not bounded by either. He sees at a glance the infinite arrangements; he has deci'ced an immutable principle conducing to and producing the highest happiness by the best means. God is as great in works of miniature as in those of magnitude. Even the limbs of a fly are fitted up and organised with as much power and skill as the air pump, or the planet we inhabit ; and by the same wondrous hand that has created suns of various sys- tems, and placed them at such vast distance from our planet; cause and eifect with the Creator are but sim- ultaneous. The highest knowledge is but the shortest road to truth in mundane acquirements and skill. " No news is good news " is but a negative projjosi- tion in the abstract. No news are good for nothing, non est, unless for trying the patience of an ardent lover or a fond husband in absence or abeyance expect- ing letters and putting to the test anxiety or suspense excited by delay or dearth of news from those we love. Hope deferred : when one expects to receive bad news and our correspondent is silent that by analogy may be called good news. The reduction in the postage 103 charges brings us news which would never have other' wise reached us. It has opened a channel to a flood of intercourse, an interchange of mutual advantage in matters of business, tending to increase the endearing reunion of social friendships, especially amongst those who were hitherto debai*red from this comfort, by want of means pecuniary, it was an exorbitant tax on cor- respondence, the humbler classes can now communicate with their equals end superiors. A bon frais. It is a maxim more trite than true, that when a city abounds with physicians the population becomes dimi- nished : if this were true in efl[ect they are skilful in cures for repletion chiefly, and thus reducing the nurn^ ber of their patients. A second-i-ate or second-hand disciple of JEsculapius boasted to a lady that his patients never complained of his mode of treatment presuming they were satisfied. Doctor, replied the fair one archly, how can they complain in " that bourn from whence no travellers return," nor are lamenta- tions heard from patients who have been hurried to their tomb. " A reformed rake makes the best husband," the exceptions to this rule are abundant : I knoAv one lady who made the dangerous experiment, and suC' ceeded in a happy union with a very unexceptionable individual. The late R il II 1 relaimed and retained in his service a man servant who had robbed him of plate. A Magdalen has frequently been re- stored to virtue and connubial happiness. (Nil 104 desperandum.) 'Tis said there is joy in heaven over a repentant sinner, happy are they who can withdraw him from the paths of error and perhaps save a soul from perdition. A marital phoenix is a rara avis in former or modern times. Argumentum. Baculinum or club law. When you cannot confute or convince your antagonist in wrang- ling it has been advised in some of the schools pugnans to knock him down, by thus overturning the orator you prostrate his ideas, they both sink together, the subject in dispute drops with the man, he will feel less inclined to resume the argument than to recover his legs. " He that's convinc'd against his will Remains to be convinced still." Woman the finest work of creation, constituted for the companionship of man, not as the slave of his pas- sions, yet to assist him in the toils of life, to soothe him with her tenderness, and recompense his care of her by soft endearments. Her eye bespeaks softnass and loveliness. Discretion is seated on her brow. Happy the man who is possessed of such a bride, he should cherish her as a gift from heaven, the fruit of their union will endear her still more to his heart. A lovely and loving bride embracing her first-born, ad- ministering life's sustenance Irom her fair bosom and gently soothing the innocent to repose, is a delightful tableau to contemplate, alike grateful to the eyes and heart. May we not venture to embellish the pictures in imagination, and depict the spirit of peace, shedding 105 its sacred hallo around the head of the fond mother, as she smiles on the curled darling, the cherub on her breast with the imprint of an angel on its smiling face I It is a touching spectacle ! the parent ol" a family surrounded by her children whilst regulating the household. Public virtue is best acquired and preserved by conjugal fidelity, by that solemn tie which repudiates clandestine unions, and illicit liaisons alike delusive and derogatory to our best and dearest interests, our social duties towards each other. Man in thoughts words and actions should never forget that he is entrusted with what is enclosed with- in him, a treasure of inestimable value, his precious soul ! let him guard it from pollution and injury, and implore the Being who has bestowed it for his aid, to preserve it spotless, untainted. We may strive, although none can attain perfection, and trust for the consummation of good to its author, the Omni- potent. He who is all perfection can alone make his creatures pure and holy. Conquerors and rats being a predatory race must expect no mercy in misfortunes. We may include political rats Avho secede from patriotism to self interest and degredation. ^o/iocination cannot justify such apostacy by any longtailed arguments of dishonest sophistry. Let not the sun go duiC7i upon your wrath, neither let your conlidence always rise with it. We should foi'give readily but forget slowly. Revenge should 106 never enter the breast j if harboured there a storm will burst forth which may be uncontrollable j yet we may remember an injury on our own account, to be on our guard against a renewal or repetition. To forgive offences and to be reconciled to those who have injured us achieves a victory surpassing that in the field of battle, where brute force alone is employed ; there the soul displays its power* Those who pry and search for secrets have no desire to keep them longer than the first opportunity which may offer to disburden themselves of the gossip treasure, or stores of tittle tattle. Like spendthrifts who covet money for the purpose of circulation, they have no mental reservation, cannot contain themselves, and Would burst with spleen if they could not divulge, and give vent to secrets, incautiously entrusted to them. Alchymy, in theory or allegory^ is the philosopher's stone, pretending to transmute the baser metals into gold. Quite impracticable in the abstract, yet the industry of our island transforms iron and copper into the currency, the circulating precious coins, by perse- vering labor, and they prove richer mines to us than those of Meicico to Spain the mother country. Provi* dence has allotted thought, exercise, and toil to man- kind, they are blessings in disguise, although practised in the sweat of tlie brow, or in mental exertion ; yet superior in intrinsic value, are golden opinions acquired by the honest suffrage of approving fellow members of society, they contain no alloy, and are more to be prized 107 than gold or precious .stones. The divination of ulchymy and the occult sciences has misled many san- guine dreamers and enthusiasts to effect unattainable ends. Perpetual motion is an impossible result to obtain here, where the means are finite, the materials destructible and perishable. Envy is rendered gloomy not only by its own cloud but by his neighbour's sunshine. He who nurtures this morbid passion may exclaim with Milton, " dark, dark, amidst the blaze of noon." In despair through his own malice, and tormented by another's prosperity, he would fixin fly from himself to perdition. He gnashes his teeth, he bites a file, and stands alone in a popu- lous circle. Shame hinders him from venting his spleen, and detraction to his kinsman or neiglibour. Un ennuye pense et parle ainsi, Le tems passee ma fait rougir. Le present me gene. L' avenir me donne esperance de 1' eternite, Qui peiit seul me consoler. Heraldic titles and entails not unfrequently damage the possessor, giving him a false lustre, an abortive pride, with a station of superiority (not per excellence) over his equals, which is reluctantly conceded. The bead of a noble is oft confused from the artificial posi- tion in which he is placed by succession. His ideas are illusive in the glare of wealth and title whilst drawing obsequious deference from subordinate depen- dents. His existence is a sinecure too often vain and i> 108 sensual, the beau ideal of inutilitarism, of such there are a few. The sire is made a peer, the son a fool ; There are some few exceptions to the rule. Titles entailed by primogeniture should undergo muti- lation ; they now and then entail a degenerate offspring, engross the paternal revenues. The first born excludes the minors from patrimony; the favored heir to his possessions oft annexes pride, idleness, and profligacy in many instances within our purview. Dr. Johnson remarked that primogeniture possessed one advantage, " it only made one fool in a family." What can ennoble sots, or slaves, or cowards, Alas, not all the blood of all the Howards. The honorable well-earned titles of distinction, as kings, governors, judges, generals, admirals, &c., and such as are familiar to our ears as household words, are properly bestowed and impersonate the man with his office or station in society, and form component links of the great social chain; but these are not hereditary, with the exception of the regal descent members and branches of our kings. The honorable and noble families who have earned and preserved their titles and names unsullied, are eminently useful in their high position in the political or domestic sphere which they adorn; educating and qualifying the young scions to fill the various important public or private posts as their varied talents or disposition may furnish occasion. 109 They also present an imposing barrier to the inroads of democracy and licentiousness, uphold the dignity of a limited popular monarchy, resisting and frustrating every attempt on the liberties and welfare of their country. A title gives no license for pride, too often its appendant, a sort of nole me tangere sensitiveness, more odious from the less necessity which exists for such pretensions. The sensual pursuits of some small portion of hereditary ignobies are too conspicuous to be unnoticed, although the order of aristocracy is entitled to reverence, and opportunities have been aiforded me of frequent intercourse with many truly honorable worthy members of the class distinguee. The industrious virtuous sections of our population view those black sheep of the high grades with pity and regret at the commixture of gentlemen by birth and education with the base and worthless. Some pretend to foresee that the vaunted " Corinthian order of polished community" will merge and become incor- porate with the Tuscan and Doric (or plebean orders), and thus range in fraternal equality in the same colon- nades of society. It has been rumoured that some of the female clique propose to take out game licenses to enable them to pursue intrigue or badinage freely and in immunity. Non credo. The world grows older but not wiser. Should we not take shame to ourselves for persisting to adopt or follow the bygone errors and vices of grandfathers and grannies ? allowing our puckered faces to grow to wrinkles and remorse. The golden bowl grey with age, though not occupied with a golden l2 110 retrospect of a well spent life — do we not fear biography ? Ah no, her pages are reserved for the good or eminent. But we may have more reason to fear those records which are never obliterated. Lady Mary Wortley Montague writes 120 years ago to her own sister, the Countess of Mar, in which letter she says, " The world is revenu de bagatelle." She fears that honoi', virtue, reputation are laid aside and forgotten as crumpled ribands. One fair nymph is stigmatized as a prude, having but two lovers at a time. Others in the ambulatory wanderings in bowery Rich- mond's groves, with sympathizing loves, having antici- pated the nuptial tie. Oh fie ! oh fie ! The return to society, and their reappearance in health and good looks were subjects of rallying gratulation and witticism. Her Ladysliip adds. The Duke of Wharton, Mr Walpole, and others are trying to bring a bill into Parliament to erase the word not from the decalogue, and claj) it into the creed ; but if they had positive commands to do so wrong, persons would not commit adultery, nor bear false witness against their neighbour, with the readiness they now do so through sheer ob- stinacy — not for abhorrence of the wickedness of such malpractices. Examples of evil fail to deter many. Good wliole- some advice doth not reclaim or amend the wayward nor convince the depraved. Satire and its sting dis- charges its arrows in vain on votaries of folly. The close of this life or the commencement of that which is to come must be the heeded effective monitor to warn, we hope not too late. Apropos, it occurs to my having Ill heard that the said Duke of Wharton at a dinner party at liis father's, Lord Wharton, who was exceedingly deaf, and called on his profligate son to favor the com- pany with a toast or sentiment. He rose and delivered himself as follows : — " May it please God to shorten The days of my Lord Wharton, And set up his son in his place ; He'll drink, and he'll game on, Despite Old Nick, try hard for Mammon With a grave and fanatical face." The deaf old man joined in applauding this filial effusion of his hopeful sprig with the rest of the party of convives. " Oh, luxury, thou cursed by heaven's decree, How ill exchanged are things like these for thee ! How do thy potions with insiduous joy DiflFuse thy pleasures only to destroy. Kingdoms by thee to sickly greatness grown. Boast of a florid vigour not their own. At every draught more large and large they grow, A bloated mass of rank unwieldy woe, Till sapt their strength, and ev'ry part unsound, Down, down they sink, and spread a ruin round." " Honor and shame from no condition rise, Act well your part, there all the honor lies." The national debt of Great Britain may be compared to a monster snow ball increasing as it rolls, and at come distant day will I fear dissolve. It has been ac- l3 112 cumulated partly in recklessness, like a gigantic ava- lanche it may tremble from its base, the fall would alas ! spread far and wide and make thousands desti- tute, this may be deemed a dissolving view a gloomy picture in perspective. One of the evils of society in our land is too appar- ent to be unnoticed too prevalent to escape regret : the almost exclusion of young females from those occupa- tions most congenial to the softer sex, now we observe are preoccupied and engrossed by sturdy as well as effeminate youths in the shops and repositories of mer- cers, milliners, linen drapers, &c. &c. This derangement of the employ which should fitly appertain to the fair is very unfair, and calls loudly for redress. I would propose their reinstatement by a heavy prohibitory taxation on the unmanly intruders in their province. This neglect of the unprotected industrious female classes (where " many a fair flower is bom to blush unseen,") chills their youthful days with poverty and all its train, and often prostitution presents the only sad refuge, the ruinous asylum for their wants and the forerunner of a short wretched existence. A want of sympathy, I fear, may be imputed to the ladies of the land who encourage the monopoly of mas- culine substitutes for smiling girls. Patronage is mosi due to their own species, and I would appeal to their first sacred feelings as mothers, in advocacy of an immediate change, and hope they will discourage and discountenance the present system. 113 It would delight me to see some patriotic establish- ments in the metropolis managed and conducted entirely by females. Two or three sturdy stalwart males may be allowed to assist as clerk or amanuensis ; also in the athletic department to remove bulky goods, collect debts, and to keep watch and ward for protection and guard. It may be urged that a shopman is more alert, and is required every now and then to jump over the counter; a female of course cannot perform these counter feats. What nonsence ; it is no more essential than to dance Jim Crow, or to exhibit any other ma- noeuvre or counter actions. LE JEU NE VAUNT PAS LA CHANDELLE. The wretched pittance of a milliner, Versus the over wealthy millionaire. One surfeits in a plethora of riches. The other starves in plenitude of stitches. Her needle constantly entwined with thread. Barely sufficing to procure her bread. Let all make shift to go without a shirt, And save the ill-paid labors of the fair, Who ever steept in poverty and dirt, That man a linen chemisette may wear. Rather than such of innocence and youth Should waste their hours and health for us forsooth^ Shirtless may ev'ry scaramouch awake Who pays some paltry pennies for its make. With ragged flaps and collars rent or torn, Whilst females are neglected and forlorn, 114 Girls with the needle and the thimble Though always squatting, ever nimble, Stitching and sewing on the alert To earn a paltry penny for a shirt. Unpitied may he feel his luckless hide Uncover'd, and full mortified his pride At his bare state, without that envelope. Which females work and starve on without liope. The magnet needle constant to the north, Points with unerring truth unto the pole. Her's sharp and pointed but of little worth. Boring and puncturing a little hole. Her needle has an eye, Oh could it see The anguish of its owner, it would phle- Botomize the taskmasters, and make them feel. For those who ply the thimble and the steel, Pricked sore by conscience and this lancet, The rogues would suffer as they lay or sit. Take pity on those helpless maids ill-star'd, And give to industry its due reward. No longer from its fruits to be debar'd. Let all hard hearted sons of flint Pay for the semptresses hard earned stint. To the foregoing objections and hints may be ap- pended the general remonstrance at the employment of foreign servants in large families. Italian singers, artistes de cuisine, de danse, de toilette, de tout a tous, to the discouragement of native energy and talent which often lies neglected by those who in duty bound should promote the advantages of the indigenous of 115 their own soil, assimilated ia manners, languages, and interests. Alien servants are rarely attached to their masters and mistresses. Charles the First felt the annoyance of a horde of French loungers, gentlemen ushers, valets, priests, &c. at the Palace, Whitehall. In his absence durins: the civil strife he sent peremptory orders from Oaking to employ some companies of the Guards to turn them all out and send them home on shipboard, which with some trouble was soon effected. His Queen, Henrietta, was compelled to do penance at Tyburn, and to walk there barefooted, by these French Catholics, to do honor to the Saint of the day, and to say peccavi for- sooth, for having eaten venison on the eve of St. John the Baptist. All venial offences were conimutable by Peter's pence and penance. A KETTLE OF FISH. The London fishmongers are more justly charged with sell Jishness than any other class of tradesman in the vocabulary, and derive larger profits, they exercise their craft from sunrise to iw'iWghi Jiouiiderwg amongst the finny fry of the mighty waves, taking in orders and cash, sending otit their dead stock in retail, all which had been hookt alive or dragged ashore from the waters of the deep sea or rivers shallow, either in wanton sport or w^anting food. Some of their piscatorial customers 116 are at times crabbed crusty aceous and testy aceous when fishes ai'e scarce in mart and shy at bait. When soles are dear or turbot high, John Dory unfit to boil or fry, Mackerel without taste or roe, Salmon and lobsters quite so so, Then fish for dinner they forego, To epicures sad source of woe. Ostracide Dando shew'd his brazen face. Bouncing he only wanted a good place, Or large turbot, if promised on tick. But Griffin* threatened Dando with a kick. Unless he took the hint, and cut his stick. Thornbacks, thornbutt, turbot, or tittle bat. Whether red herring, or a little sprat. All's fish that fills his net, e'en lean or fat. AFFINITY IN SEXUAL CONVENTION. The devil's finger is in every pie. Lurking in beauty's dimple, from whose eye Darts radiant fires to warm the lover's breast. And give impassion'd ardour its true zest. To hearts enamour'd with fair virtue's charm, Then kindred spirits sound a soft alarm. As when a spark ignites the torpid briars, The crackling flames spread all around its fires. And lovers boson)s burn with chaste desires. * A fishmonger at Brightyn. 117 Keep within compass, and you shall be sure To avoid many evils which others endure- A very sensible old adage ; the habit or practice which it inculcates is more exercised in the breach than the observance. The precept imposes a wholesome restraint on the frivolous ones, requiring a sacrifice of such indulgencies as may be deemed too dearly earned by loss of time, credit, and health. Alas, the transition from competency to dependence mortifies our pride, injures our worldly interests. Yet it does occur that such reverses bring their advantages ; for as every de- light has its alloy, the equilibrium is maintained throughout all grades. A privation of worldly good things is not absolute loss, and can be easily reconciled with. Possessions of riches and honors do not confer happiness, they require to be protected by a number of auxiliaries, not unfrcquently pernicious to the possessor, such as dependence, anxiety, ennui, satiety, ill health, and a train of subaltern troubles and minor evils which proud flesh is heir to. The real blessings of life com- prise a sound body, with a well organized humble mind. The compendious abstract of human felicity, a state of health and worthiness. How little is required to make us contented. How much is often wasted to render us miserable. In the absence of actual prosperity, and what in the nomenclature of the world are called enjoy- ments, much real happiness may be derived from the powers of the imagination, indulging in the retrospect of an eventful life, and in the prospect of that which will have no end. 118 The path of sorrow, and that path alone, Leads to the land where sorrow is unknown. No traveller here has reached that blest abode, Who found not thorns or briars on the road. Virtue alone fears not to die, Superior to the tyrant's sway. Confess'd in native majesty, And charms unknowing to decay, Then smiling on her votive throng. Shines to dispel the lover's care, Sheds purest graces on the young. And brightest radiance on the fair. Every man h:- own executor is my own idiom which I would recommend for general adoption, first because it will be granted a great source of satisfaction to witness the distribution of your property amongst those you hold most dear whilst you are spared, to see that you contribute to their well doing ; also to f?ave them the expences of legacy duty on lieritablr- prop(M-ty. It will also prevent those posthumous tnils of litigation amongst legatees and trustees disputing the validity of wills and codicils, and sinking into a Chancery suit where the property may lay perdue to i/ok, but trans- lerred and swallowed up by Masters of tlie Rolls, barris- ters, lawyers, &c. 8ic. Widows may sigh, they and their orphans may perisli, bo destitute. Qu' importe. They may be at rest. Hope deferrf^d nor poverty troubles them no longer. 119 The Star Chamber and the court of inquisition of past times have inflicted horrors on the lives and liber- ties of man. Tribunals of our days dare not f>erpotrate such cruelties, but they can by negligence or cupidity deprive the young and aged of their inheritance and suffer them to Avant bread. Governments being ever prompt to levy heavy imposts on the public. It is in- cumbent on the taxed to lighten and lessen the burden when we cannot throw it off, and evade a legacy duty, and the tax on administrators, chargeable on such pro- perty at the disposal of the testator. Taxes may be legitimate but like wars not always just and necessary, witness the excise on spirits, so destructive of the morals, health, and impoverished resources, of the labouring poor. When we plunge with fool-hardiness and temerity into a vortex of dangers, and find too late that fortune is fickle and the world not so prompt to succour and to save the wretched, or that men betray and are not trust- \vorthy, we flounder and struggle to extricate ourselves like the mouse in a tar-barrel ; (mus in pice !) we may- come out defiled to outward appearance in tlie eyes of an uncharitable world, yet the struggle may have proved highly servicable to the probationer, and give him .strength to conquer every care. Rhetoric when falling in gentle streams of eloquence from a good voice a pure heart and an intelligent orator is persuasive delighting the auditory, when poured forth in overflowing torrents copious and inflated, the atten- tive reflecting listener is dissatisfied often by wily and 120 powerful sophistry, many are biassed and misled whose suffrages would otherwise lead to contrary conclusions. Many of the evils of society grow out of deducing from false promises ; it is important to be able to detect and expose such falacious reasoners. The crimes of bad ministers have escaped punishment from the effects of sophistry, few or no wars could occur if this triumphant delusion were early detected in the speeches aud statements of such orators, who too often mislead and betray. In the senate many members un- known to fame, " who ne'er will mark the marble with their name," restrict their oratorical attempts to inter- jections and interruptions, oh ! oh ! ha ! ha ! with a cough efforce : these are vented forth when a speaker utters unpalatable truths, and expressive of their dis- dain at the argument : their impatience to give their votes, long ago bespoke by interest or faction, ignorance or indifference to their country's good. These are Avorse than nonentities. Are they not enemies in dis- guise ? or wolves in sheep's clothing ? DUELLING. A duellist is a knave for attempting to take away life, and a fool as well as a rogue for exposing the loss of his own on false and barbarous notions, (principles are out of the question) satisfaction is demanded for an alledged affront, a breath of a taint on honor, veracity, or some lady-love, often on the occasion of the seduction of a friends wife : he calls on the aggrieved husband to allow himself to be immolated at the shrine of adultery, 121 he is required to be shot at by the scouiidrtl seducer already pointed at by the finger of public ridicule : folly and vice are here very conspicuous, many roues and bullies have thus perished unregretted ; the satL^J action. thus offered to a gentleman would be refused U» a ple- beian, who exercises some sense and thinks powder and ball very dull arguments to decide right and ^vl•ong, a dilemma which ma) be safely and honorably uvoidod by all good men : a casus belli should form the argument. The legislature when it disarmed citizens of London of their rapiers some 70 years ago, (prior to which daily atrocities were committed) should have interdicted the use of them, or the pistol, under pain of branding, and transportation to penal coasts. Blockheads would under such a law pocket their paltry affronts or refer them to a tribunal, as in cases of assault and battery. Shakspeare says — Your words have taken such pains, as if they laboured To bring man's laugliter into form, set quarreling Upon the head of valour, vrhich indeed Is valour raisbegot ; and came into the world. When sects and factions were but newly bom. He's truly valiant that can wisely suflFer The worst that man can breathe : and make his wrongs, His outsides, wear them like his raiment carelessly. And ne'er prefer his injuries to his heart. To bring it into danger. This feudal practice took its rise in Italy, where the hatred of the lower classes towards the higher induced the latter to wear swords and daggers concealed, which were not unfrequently employed by assassins for hire in M 2 122 those states. Sir R d W 1 many years ago was attacked by one of these bravos at Rome who when he raised his dagger confessed he had mistaken his in- tended victim, Sir Richard's valet de place cooly offered to revenge the insult by stillettoing the man. The acts of atrocity are now never heard of, that country is even as tranquil and contented as the happy land we live in. Can the shedding of blood wash away an insult ? are the rules of courtesy and politeness to be maintained by pistols ? so if an affront or challenge comes from an illbred or one of bad character, you expose your life to teach him better behaviour. Duelling' is never resorted to by Christians or philo- sophers, its patrons should at least be gentlemen, which appears to be the the only required qualification : what is sauce for the goose is not in this instance for the gander, for the upper class arrogates to itself the ex- cluding privilege of practising phlebotomy and surgery. They forsooth are only privileged to the honor of pinking or popping off an old acquaintance. What! are the more numerous and better portions of society less susceptible of injuries ? less sensitive when assaulted ? or are they not more cautious of giving and taking offence? more forgiving than vindictive? If every one who sent or provoked a challenge were handed over to the mercies of the tread mill, it would soon reduce the ranks of those self-stiled, self-important men of honor, and give the coup de grace to this ab- surd practice which is as stupid and barbarous as the wager by battle, the ordeal for witchcraft, cock and hull fights ; and neither are they more defensible than 123 human warfare in the battle field, Tlie Spaniards now engross the pastime of bull fights and gladiators in the vast ai'ena where murder is committed and tolerated, as the poor hired tools who fall in the unequal bloody strife of man with beasts. In the ruffled and angry hour with fellow mortals we view every appeai'ance through a false medium, the minutest point of honour or interest swells them into a momentous object. Let passion or pride subside, and the fabric of a vision which the distempered fancy created, vanishes at once. But then we may have lost a friend and planted perhaps disgust or suspicion in the breast of one now our enemy by the ebullition of tem- per which haply should have been restrained. Embrace again, my sons, be foes no more, Nor stain your comitry with her children's gore." We frown on a once esteemed friend, menace him in a phrase which extorts an angry reply, a challenge is accepted. The arm is raised to rob him of his life ; soon it may be required of the victor. We may be different in opinion and ideas, merely taking another view of the same thing, as the gold and silver shield seen in its obverse and reverse phases by two Knights Irom opposite points. Is that a fitting cause for per- sonal hate. Has my body offended him who determines to destroy it? Has my breast given any offence to him who is eager to sheathe his sword therein ? How can the life-blood of your friend or enemy expiate A supposed or even a real injury, By a tcte a tete process of pistolry. m3 124 PILLGARLIC'S PLAINTS OF POVERTY, My cornocopia is quite emptied out, How to replenish it I feel a doubt, Whether to stand in statuo precarious. Or to solicit alms like Belisarius. In streets and lanes sing " date obolum," Or live by chicane, and trickery, hum- Bug the credulous, victimize the flats, To raise the wind, to feed my wife and brats. No ; such talents as from heaven I derive. Shall be exemplified, to live and thrive WitJi honor, in our industrious hive. Base is the slave to idleness a prey. Whilst honest toil and labor point the way. To competence and health from day to day. Earned with a ready hand, a clieerful mind. In our pursuits, our dealings with mankind, Where kindred aid and kindness we shall find. EXPERIENCIA DOCET. Rough rubbing or the rubs of life will polish, Those minds untutored in the school of grief: Adversity whose drubbings few can relish. Unless accompanied with quick relief, Of well brewed ale, witli mutton or roast beef. Then bygones may be scattered to the wind, Forward wtth hope we leave all care behind, To try our mortal strength, the vigour of the mind. l2o AVIS AUX FILLES. Lorsq'u eprise de I'amour il ne faut pas, Succomber mes fiUes et faire un faux pas ; Aimez vous ! c'est la voix de la nature : Qui ne respire que les sentimens purs. Mais, rappele toi, des vertus de vos meres Cherissez les conseils, de feu vos peres. Amidst the follies and peccadillos of mortals, the males of the creation display the large proportion and with more inununity. Woman is in the ascendant possess- ing the higlier qualities of the heart, she is intuitively more refined, more susceptible of the best imprassions from education precept and example. The ancients in their statues, paintings, and mythological writings thought fit to personate the extremes of virtue and vice in the female. To this postulate one is inclined parti- ally to agree : yet we must admit that the anticlimax of their best attributes the degeneracy of the fair sex is the result of man's misconduct toAvards them in too many instances. When tliey stoop to vice, to what can we ascribe it but to the heartl&ss neglect or desertion of such on whose esteem and affection they had fondly reposed with endearing confidence : their gentler spirits can ill brook the pliglited broken vow, the extinction of the vestal fire, the virgin love I Then the whole tenor of the mind is gone, slirinking in disappointment and despair from the flattering picture of love and hap- piness now veiled from their sight : which one may trace, whilst we sympatliise in the mitoward results of such painful conflicts, in the female youthful breast. 126 AMERICAN WAR. At the close of a life of torturous policy the late Lord C m strenuously advocated the war with America, and violently deprecated the acknowledge- ment of their independency by this country who drove them to that declaration. The ministry occasioned this unjust war and consequently was the cause of our disasters with tlie loss of the colony, trying to impose the stamp act, and a duty of 3d. per lb. on teas. His lordship's splendid talents dazzled or fascinated his compeers, who yielded their better judgement their amor patria to his power of words and the influence of his piercing eye. The glory (as it has been termed) of his administration produced no advantages to his country. He was vascillating, haughty, and reserved. Public principle was then at a low ebb amongst public men, and the years which have elapsed since his death have we trust brought it to the flood or to the height required. Lord C — m was a meteor which astonished mankind by its splendour but left the community of its sphere in deeper darkness when it expired or past away. After an obstinate unfortunate warfare of eight years duration Britain was defeated, and compelled to ac- knowledge the independence of the infant state. The waste of life and treasure are the bitter causes for regret, sorrow, shame and indignation, ever since felt by the mother country : the disgrace and defeat we have been justly entitled to, and must submit in peni- tence to its consequences, with the appendant enormous debt entailed on the nation, about 200 millions precur- 127 sor to the load of 600 millions superadded since the war with France, &c. The landholder is deep in mortgage at the mercy of the fundholder who may in a few years possess the land, the former being in some cases insolvent yet must pay land tax, tithes, whilst he receives reduced rents, from his fanner tenants, and persists to live luxuriously ; and place his precarious dependence on high priced com, and the sequence of high rentals, which will be abated no doubt ere long. Undertakers in Ireland keep a large miscellaneous stock of wooden surtouts, or coffins, ready made in store, varying in quality and size. It is not unusual to observe an honest mechanic making a purchase of the last tenement for a deceased relative, who, had he been alive, would no doubt have done that office for him had he died. He steps into the coffin to try its fitness, and walks away with the envelope on his head, and dangling over his back, galling his kibe, or bobbing on his heels beliind ; the lid he carries under his left arm, like as an opera hat is handled by a man of fashion ; or as a butcher may be seen to carry home his empty tray after the delivery of a shoulder of mutton to a hungry customer. AVhon death o'ertakee where'er we tread, The wm/ertaker gets his bread. As pioneer he grat'ely takes the lead. Amongst the on dits and mauvais mots of Buonaparte he announced that " there wa.s but one step from the 128 sublime to the ridiculous." Yet its descent may be gradual. This may be quoted as a rhetoric flourish, since whatever is really sublime cannot fall into ridi- cule in any change of phases, or untoward circumstance. Artificial factitious grandeur, mock sublimity, pride, or meretricious pomposity will no doubt degenerate or sink into insignificance or contempt, of which Napo- leon was an illustrious example. Popularity may take a hasty step to the same fate ; by the breath of faction or favor suddenly as darkness succeeds to light ; it will sparkle, emit radiance, and sink below the horizon of man's esteem, like a meteor, whensoever bright talents and probity are exercised in subserviency to ambition or self interest. To ape the sublime and beautiful is ridiculous, and requires no descending step to increase its fallacy. WARFARE IN POLITICS AND POLEMICS. Factions of partizans for sway contend. With prejudices stern which ne'r unbend. Sterling in principle, yet which is wrong, Purity is the burden of each song. Intolerance and spleen to both belong. Oh, waive your controversial strife. Comport in unison as man and wife, Console, advise, be generous to each foe, Duty inculcates fellowship below. 129 Divest our minds of envy, malice, spite, And none gainsay whatever is, is right. Falsehood and error to the winds will ily, Man will resemble inmates of the sky ; Kindred in spirit neither weep nor sigh For his allotted j)enance on the earth. Since hope and faitli point to a future birth, Renascent in another better world Where truths bright pages will be then uiifiirl'd. As hostile elements in storms contend To placid skies to sunshine soon unbend ; So should the angry controversial strife Yield to the soft amenities of life. Kettle and pot oft make recrimination, Parties in politics disturb the nation, Abuse and satire stings admixt will gall. We read in print, we hear discussed by all, Where'er we walk, sit quietly, or stand, The subject is, the squabbles of the land, Of politicians, lashing on each hide, I>y Whig and Tory scourges, well applied. Like battledoor and shuttlecock from either side. Why is a cur sleeping on a rug like a pedant answer ? Because he is doy mat ical. lao A small restless section of French community fire- eaters seem to delight in what all in their sober senses must deprecate — Avar agitation. This desperate clique, tired perhaps of their own lives, have the temerity to provoke or excite war with a nation desirous of tran- quility and peace. All this swaggering will put their neighbours on the defensive, warning them to be pre- pared. Let not the gallant French be again induced by factions at home to evoke the claymore of their conti- nental neighbours, lest in such an event they may see their great empire subjugated and divided, but not with the interference of England as we hope. But we fer- vently hope that the good sense and better taste of the vast majority will avert such national calamities, who are more anxious to expiate the woful oifences of past warfare, to expunge the blots on the nation's escutcheons than to betray a morbid desire for renewed conflicts, certain in their destructive effects, doubtful as to suc- cess or to the promotion of national advantages. The union and amity of France and England is felt to the ends of the earth, tending to the security and pacification of the world. Wliilst they continue friends no aggression upon national independence c5h be at- tempted, no war waged against public liberty, nor any wrong inflicted on the weak by the strong, nor any rebellion of might against right. France again plunged in war would pay dear for their whistle. Pleasure of a sensual nature is fleeting in the enjoy- ment, extends not beyond a short period, expires soon, nor does it afford delight from reflexion, makes one 131 neither wiser nor better. Familiarity and frequent enjoyment satiate. Solomon has confessed his error in pursuing it, and declares all vanity and vexation of spirit, giving his testimony to religion and virtue as alone productive of happiness. Eat, drink, and be merry is the watchword of our youth, who in after life may want the cup which he cannot lift, and seek for mirth when he will become the butt and object. Our dispositions do not subside with the faculties. The young rake becomes a lascivious old wretch, delighting in an obscene tale, when his hearers are disgusted by the breath with which it is uttered. Pleasure need be no further censured than when it costs us more than its worth, or brings on uneasiness for which it does not compensate. It is culpable when it makes too large a claim on our valuable time, and we make it our chief study, which is only intended for our relief by nature. He who has the command of his hours is favoured with opportunities to increase in wisdom and virtue. Should he misapply them his guilt is proportionate to what his advantages might liave been. In season and reason let us partake of delights ; the excess consists in our continued unabated indulgence in them. No pleasure can be deemed innocent by which health suffers. We are no more at liberty to shorten our days than to abruptly end them. Suicide may be com- mitted by luxury in gradual destruction, as by despair in instant death by our own hand. Pleasure not commensurate with our resources is criminal. Great affluence is but a trust, the means of extensive provision for the wants of a few mortals. N 132 Abstinence is highly commendable; it enables us to relieve others and confer blessings, sets us above the world, and having few wants are exposed to few dis- appointments or temptations. " Man wants but little here below." " Should auld acquaintance be forgot And days of auld lang syne." Friendship is but ephemeral, when concocted purely by interest it will barely survive the sordid feelings twinborn it cooperates with the disappointment. An angry word will dissipate slight attachments ; collision of interest, disputes over the bottle, on politics, or love can waft it away as puffs from light cigars. " What is friendship but a name, A charm that lulls to sleep, A sound that follows wealth or fame, But leaves the wretch to weep." A good and virtuous wife Is the best friend to take for life. True friendship is indissoluble. The union and cementation of goodness with sympathy of souls, good will, harmony, truth, the love of the species, admira- tion of virtues, gratitude, and humility, of such friend- ship is the result. Elevated stations in life afford no 133 exemption from inquietude, whicli can only be laid to rest in the bosom of a friend. We increase our com- forts by his participation, and soothe our sorrows through his sympathy or protection. TJie attachment and affinity of kindred spirits is enjoyed during absence, refreshing the mind by recollections of the past, by anticipations of future reunions. vSuch are spiritual, imperishable. Ingratitude : is it not as if this mouth should t^ar this hand for lifting food up to it ? To confer I'avors and obligations on many who are ever prompt to solicit often pi'oves a thankless ungracious sacrifice of bene- ficence. Some who have received heavy pecuniary benefits from confiding kind friends, are quite indis- posed to pay even in the cheap coin alluded to by the great poet, where we read — " The grateful mind by owing owes not ; But repays, at once indebted and discharged." Such as prove improvident and embarrassed in their affairs through profligacy, feel little shame in soliciting timely aid from a friend, and less desire or intention to requite the boon. A vulgar mind stoops to be loaded with gifts or favors, but is asluuned to encourage the glowing fervor of gratitude. Yet ingratitude would be more rare if benefits bestowed witli tfsitri/ were less frequent. There are not so many ingrates as self-interested benefactors in the market. n2 134 Tuition of youth is the primary, the most important, subject that can occupy the attention of the State and the individual care of all parents. The germ of virtue, the welfai'e of their country is involved. Our first anxiety and prayer breathes that our children may increase in wisdom and stature, and grow in favour with God and man. It becomes our duty to address the rising generation, to usher them into the world with our ex- perimental advice, as with our protection: saying, "Go on, thou virtuous and admirable youth, stem the tur- bulent stream of life with resolution, thy harbour is paradise, thy pilot God. The blessings of heaven shall descend upon thee in its selected influence ; and look, 'whatsoever thou doest it shall prosper.' " I shall not descend to enumerate the vulgar vices they should avoid, for I trust they never will be in danger of such infection. Their own gentle nature, the pre- cepts and practice of their parents will be their shield and guarantee from such contamination. Youth will find sufiicient employ in improving the mind vvdthout the labour of controlling evil passions and sinful habits no one can endure long, such an accumulated weight of toil and anxiety ; he must sink under them, or become their slave and victim. The fabular poem of the choice of Hercules is a good example for youth. The primitive passion is self-love innate, and anterior to the others, the rest are modifi- cations. Our wants excite them. All passions are good which we can master, those are bad (for us) to which we are subjected. The spectacle of violent im- pulses is unsafe to offer to young minds, they are 135 Hinusing and may induce them to love what they onght to fear; hence romances are attractive at theatres. Youth may be taught to check the first impulses of the heart, it beats quickly, it yields easily. When pleasure invites, pause, and convene a little court of conscience within, who will devise to your advantage without a fee or delay. The precepts incul- cated by Arclibishop Fcnelon, in Telemachus, to the son of Louis XIV., are elegant and impressive, and apply to the training of all youth. They made no impression on that prince, whose mind was early en- slaved by his own passions and the examples of a depraved court. The historical and moral beauties of this work are well worthy of perusal for every reader. Sincerity and truth is the basis of every virtue. The dark character meditates schemes of art and cunning, present an unamiable object in every season of life, but quite odious in the young. If you can smile and deceive when nature is supposed to be free and open, what are we to expect when interest and experience have completed the hardness of your heart ? Dissimu- lation in youth is the precursor of perfidy in old age, and sinks him into contempt with God and man. The path of truth is plain and safe ; falsehood perplexes and leads to contrivances to get out of the labyrinth which leaves you entangled in your own snare. Do not form yourselves on fantastic models, nor vie with a reigning folly ; youth begins with being ridiculous, ends in being vicious. ^ly dear young friends, allow me in conclusion to advise temperance in your plea- sures ; to avoid the rock on which thousands have been >• 3 136 cast away. Novelty adds fresli charms to every grati- fication but to allure. Religion is not severe, nor im- poses more restraint on you than the aged who do not forget they once were young, and merely admonish you not to hurt yourselves or others in the pursuits after enjoyments. By piety and prayer we must all seek the protection of our God. Happiness cannot be expected indepen- dent of him. Keep the heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life and death ; good and evil. He that runs may read. " Sermons in stones, books in the running streams, find tongues in trees, and good in every thing." This is reading made easy and de- lightful, witnessing the intelligence of nature, enjoying the sight of its beauties ; partaking of her bounties so widely and beneficently spread around with thankful acknowledgement to mark the mighty hand that wheels the silent spheres. He who can thread his way through life divested of these feelings, unconscious of the stirring emotions of the soul, is a fitting subject for ennui, and despondency. Sensual enjoyments will alone gratify him for tlie moment, beyond these with him all else is blank. Like Sampson Agonistes, " Dark, dark, amidst the blaze of noon." Let never day nor night unhallowed pass, But still remember what the Lord hath done. One chorus let all beings raise, AU nature's incense rise. 137 Once more I obtrude some remarks on Boxiana, or the mania for pugilism. The subject is uninteresting for animadversion, as the exhibitions are uncivilized and brutish. There will ever be found knaves ready to practice on the idle credulity of their fellow men ; and so long as puize-fighters are patronized and pam- pered for the ring by cool blooded gamblers and the vulgar sections of the aristocracy, so long will this infamous coup de poing fancy continue. The laws are somewhat tolerant in their notice of such matters, be- cause it is supposed they inflict their own retribution on the poor victims who are prematurely exposed to poverty, disease, and neglect. The partizans of this drama are generally insignificant unworthy members of society. They may be reminded that such as wan- tonly expose the life of a fellow mortal, or are active in contributing to his destruction, are grievous sinners. Should either of the combatants perish in the conflict his blood will be required of them. The gymnastic athletic combats, or rather contests, were instituted by the ancient Greeks at Athens with decorum, for the purposes of health and exercise, as well as for training the youthful candidates for warlike achievements in defence of their country. Our modern Greeks are actuated by less worthy motives, and which produce diflerent results. Our countrymen are brave, and the humble classes are happily fast emerging from barbarism, with reference to drunkenness and fighting. Pitckt battles were so called (one miglit suppose) from the neighbourly friendly habit of pitching into each other, or pommeling, or because they were fought by two men, ergo bitumen. 138 Heard ye the blast, whose awful roar Burst angry from th' ensanguined skies. Saw you the flash from shore to shore, In flame shines forth, in thunder dies. The boundless light, the mighty sea, . Proclaim the omniscient Deity. Display his power in fearful majesty. LA BEAUTE, SANS VIRTU, EST UN FLEUR SANS PARFUM. Rosy lips and starlike eyes. Silken tresses, bosom white, Cheeks whose soft and melting dyes, Jlingle all that's fair and bright. All are nought, without the dower Of virtue added to their charms. Though it be a lovely flower. What's a flower without perfume ? The Exchange is burn'd, the people cry, 'Tis strange enough they thus should lie, For if to Cornhill you repair You'll find the J^a^change still is there. 139 Mr. William Hensou an engineer of New City Chambers London, applied for letters patent for loco- motive machinery, to convey letters and passengers " through the air." AEROSTICISM— A THING OF SHREDS AND PATCHES. Drowning men will catch at straws, Needy ones are full of flaws. Another scheme is afloat recently submitted to the busy world. The sky-larkers are again aspiring to ap- pear in nubibus, to build castles in the air, v?hich, like the " baseless fabric of a vision (reared in midnight dreams) will leave not a wrack behind." Balloons have had their futile sway, Now other foUies usher in the day. This projected machine intended to commerce with the skies may prove infernal in its malign results to victims ; for as sure as light is delight, it will be reft to atoms and the debris scattered to the winds or waves, either dashed to pieces on the land or in the ocean by conflicting currents. The ephemeral voyagers will hold their heads high for the biding time ; they will be above taking umbrellas for pluvial anticipations, since the clouds and showers fall under them, quite beneath their notice. In this new region, a debtor need not keep his person incognito, nor take to his heels, to evade payment or 140 avoid pursuit ; he can merely drop a note to his credi- tors on the earth from his eminence, desiring them " to call to-morrow." But where is he to be found ? Full of wind, flatulent, empty of purse and principle. He makes an escapade from bum-bailiffs, earthquakes, and such catastrophes, to which landsmen are subjected in various climes. Sancho Panza will furnish some lively hints to these voltigeurs, when they favour the public with a diarium excerpta of their voyages al fresco. That lying rogue, we read, bestrode a wooden horse blindfolded behind Don Quixote (en croupe) to waft them to distant regions for the insane project of disen- chanting Dulcineas, or propitiating some giant a thou- sand leagues distant. They made no progress in alt, but were scattered on the grass where they remained with squibs and crackers with which the effigy was stuffed. The profane squire declared he had reached the seventh heaven, and had amused himself with toy- ing and sporting with the coloured nanny goats and other gentles of his mendacious imagination. These highflyers, or sky scrapers, will attempt to impose on the credulity of flats until they fall flat as flounders on their mother earth, from whose cherishing bosom they had ingrately flown away. They may, I say, (should they survive the fall,) trump up some va- pourish account at variance with truth, of adventures which never happened, — of sights of things invisible. Homer's account of the battles of the frogs and mice is funny, but fabuloif?? ; another edition (in travesti) may be in embryo. We may witness wars in the wind', for 141 rely upon it, the wild eagle, vulture, dragons, and feathered tribes, will not look tamely on whilst innova- tors take posssssion of their element. They will exact homage and take toll, or they will take the liberty to pounce upon the floating barge or caravan and will carry off some of the passengers as hostages. A covey of scarecrows, a flight of birds of prey, will bring up the rear, and complete the discomfiture of the aeronauts. What would this man ? Now upward would he soar — And, little less than angel, would be more. The witches Avho have been disembodied since Shakespear wrote Macbeth may reappear, and again bestride brooms wherewith to sweep the sky and sha- dow our fate's destiny. Should these projects rise in estimation as they ad- vance upwards, stocks will fall, money will be invested in transmigrating shares until a fall takes place, when it will be ''all up" with the company, as the case has been too oft, too severely felt by sanguine simpletons. Ships, colonies, and commerce, may henceforth be managed by these higher powers at a discount. The post office will become almost a dead letter office. Epistles may be dropt from the clouds, pigeons again be the carriers of correspondence, and the gentle bearers of billets doux. Underwriters at Lloyd's will And their business reduced, because there can be but little salvage tanoible, should the travellers be out of reach or wrecked near the antipodes ; but should they drop 142 in Chelsea reach, something may be got out of them by the Marine Insurance offices. Music in the air will now resound, The cheerful song and glee go roiuid. With the harmony of the spheres, choirs of sweet toned birds, aided by the hullabaloo of the initiated million in mid air, Boreas and other trumpet-tongued thunderers will swell their cheeks and join in the con- cert hruyant. " Chaos is come again ;" for now a thunder storm is announced in the midst of the distraction visible amongst the ship's company. Nox follows in the train in ebon car, shedding night's gloom around, both near and far. The travellers all dark may chaunt in sorrow, How can we sleep to night ? where dine to-morrow? Birds possess instinctive powers to scud the air aloft. Nature has provided and contrived their beau- teous pinions with flexible muscles to encounter and resist every undulation of air, to wend their way through any and aU pulsations of the gentlest breeze, as of the strongest gusts of wind. With wings not larger than man's thumb they ride the storm and weather every gale, without a compass or the sail, in circles wheeling. Their beaks and feathered tails are rudders, guiding their devious flight quicker than thought, rapid as streams of light. Artists may glory in this opportunity of taking birds eye views of the earth beneath, and what it doth inherit. Icarus, the 143 son of Ditdalus, adventured to fly, as we liave read, and failed miserably. The sun melted the wax which cemented his pinions, and he fell, like Lucifer, never to rise again. One would think that the volatile balloon fancy had satiated the appetites of the sight- desiring, eye-staring multitudes during the preceding half century ; it has produced no earthly good, and but few atmospheric advantages. The aspirants who were far more anxious to raise the wind than to rise or i'all in it have benefitted by the amusement which the public derived from these aerial exhibitions. D. L. Brighton, April 1st, 1843, (All Fool's day). This was the bubble scheme of a surveyor, Raising the wind for castles in the air. We read that " H n" was his cognomen, Class'd thro' his lofty flights with //i^Awaymen. TUNNEL OR SHAFT. The rat amphibious, with toads unclean. Claim habitation in this subterrene. Sporting gregai'ions in the murky duct. Devoid of use, of benefit unfruct. o 144 Curvetting and capriole the vermin play, Whilst passengers bewilder'd grope their way Down stairs ; then thro' this loathsome bore Crawl up to welcome light, and step on shore, Vowing they'd ferret underground no more. Within these gloomy vaults they hold a fair For apples, nuts, small beer, and crock'ry ware. Yet I'll ne'er venture there I do declare, No underground abortions suit my taste, Whether I'm quite at leisure, or in haste. RANDOM THOUGHTS ON THE THAMES TUNNEL OR FUNNEL The tunnel is at length completed. This long pro- tracted work is a horizontal monument of the skill of the engineer and the enterprising perseverance of the directors of the company. I fear its inability wiU be tested unsatisfactorily by its unproductive returns from tolls when opened to the public for walks and drives. The condensed atmosphere, the humidity of the interior, and the beauty of the work are very striking The watermen complain that it undermines their " reglar trade in punt and boat craft, and consider it werry wexacious and a horrid bore" and over their pipe and pot they threaten to send a petition to their titular deity, father Thames, to bore a hole in the crown of the subterrestial intruder to admit the tide. 145 And then farewell, King, As the Bard did sing. One ferry man, or funny man, was astonished that " folks would walk thro' the bowels of the earth when the element above inwited them to cross the vorter in a trim boat all in broad daylight ;" " and then," he add'i, '' such a gettin up and down stairs at both ends." An Irish gentleman having heard that the tunnel would not a7is\ver, refuted it by swearing that he called out loud at one end, " How are you ?" and he heard an echo from the other mouth of the tunnel answer " Very poorly." As much as to sing or say, Tliis thing, by goles, won't pay. Two serious irruptions have occurred; but it is hoped there is no danger of a recurrence of such alarm- ing disasters. The shareholders have not been favored with a dividend of profits ; and should it be decided to blow up this double-barreled souterraiii, the materials would sell " like bricks ;" and the produce divided amongst the proprietors and subscribers to this costly underiokmg might reimburse them one penny in the pound. The shield would be more valued than that of Achilles, and may be hung up in the Hall of the Ai- mourers' and Braziers' company as the JEgis of sub- aqueous dominion, a memento of meddling in troubled waters not washing over pactolean sands. o 2 146 t' WATERMAN S DITTY ON THE OPENING DAT, AUGUST 1st, 1843, WHEN OYSTERS AND THE TUNNEL WILL BE PROBED. The great advantages of our thames tunnel Will be deriv'd by Sir Isamberd Brunei. Ye, who in boats once row'd from shore to shore May cross 'neath river's bed in a great bore. Shelter'd from showers of rain, you travel thus, As sneaking under ground in transitus. From Wapping o'er to RedrifF's banks precursor, As south to north you go from, vice versa, To visit county Middlesex or Surrey, With loss of time, altho' in a great hurry. For the descending and ascending stairs Will prove a hobbling cure for boatmen's fares. " Farewell, my trim-built wherry," is the cry. No longer scullers or the oars we ply ; The Tunnel Company has spoil'd our ferry, Put out our pipes. Ah ! how can we be merry ? So brawl'd six watermen in rueful dittv. Tugging, alas ! no more, — the more's the pity. This souterrain to them is hell-ebore, They cannot get a fare as heretofore. D. L. Brigliton, March 25, 1843. Rats are seen here in flocks frolicking and curvetting on the floor. A society of toads appear to have taken a lease of the darker portions of the tunnel or under- shaft as it may be termed. 147 A £50 share was sold by auction for six shillings. 100 shares were sold on the decease of a proprietor for £30, on which £500 had been paid, the loss sustained was £4970. Vast numbers of visitors have been attracted to this work. 5000 footpads or passengers have flitted through the souterrain Each day perambulate the tunnel bore, From Wapping's banks to Redriff's muddy shore. The carriage approaches are still in abeyance ; it is supposed that horses decline to ascend or descend on inclined planes, and the tortuous gradient is considered too precipitate and corkscrewishly spiral for the transit of wheel vehicles, excepting such as wheeth^wovfn, dog- carts, and sedan-chairs, carriages which require neither horse or ass. Sons are too eager to commence their career of life in the same grade of cost and stile with which their fathers only ventured upon when they retired from worldly aiFairs. And not unusually these improvident scions are compelled to terminate their laborious pur- suits in the humble condition in which their parents were content to begin and make their entre into the busy walks of life, laying up in store the superfluities for the winter of our days and the spring time of our descendants. o3 148 Frugality may attain to competence and affluence, whilst extravagance and profligacy must entail poverty and disgrace on such as cannot square their expences or keep vdthin the triangle of the compass. Mesmerism will soon be practised by legerdemain artists, who, when they have lulled a patient into a trance, may be tempted to exert his skill to extract a watch or purse from the sleep stricken victim, an easier and less vulgar process than hocussing with narcotic drugs previous to spoliation. The day dreamer may recover his senses without finding either the operator or his lost property on his waking up. The abduction of a fair lady may be faci- litated by this ruse of manipulation of exorcism ; the clairvoyance may forsake the patient, and leave him or her in the dark on recovery from the blurted oblivious lethargy, after a seance of practised deceptive trickery. Wrapt between sheets, half buried in sound sleep. Dreaming of visions pencil'd on the brain. Phantasms and chimeras o'er the senses creep, Convince that nought in life exists in vain. From earth to heaven extends the wond'rous chain. The ever conscious soul is ne'er at rest. Whilst reason sleeps the active mind is blest. With sweet and silent slumbers of the head, Man is but then a living image of the dead. The honest aim and end of one and all. Who hope to thrive in this terrestrial ball, 149 Ad fellow travellers on the road of life, Whose intercourse should be devoid of strife. To assist the destitute and mitigate The pains or sorrows of man's weakly state, By fond endearments and by strenuous aid To sooth and raise the fall'n in ev'ry grade. EPISTLES OPENED BY ORDER OF SIR J. G M. La post e pied is a man of letters, Conceiv'd and written by his betters. Swift carried to their destination, When open'd causing some sensation If business be the purport, or of fun, An invite from a friend, or from a dun, Each should be answered in an envelope, Herald of thanks, of vows, or fondest hope. Some of these letters which are now before me Will soon be read and cast behind d'ye see. Statesmen now break our seals to read and pry For secrets of some despot foreigner. Oh fye! See the vast ocean, view its foaming tide Glitt'ring with gems and diamonds far and wide. Oh list to the refulgent roaring flood, Through nature's voice proclaims the will of God! In music one may learn the flageolet. At schools some masters teach and flagelate. 150 A state barber-surgeon is in requisition to prune the kairistocrticy to cut off entails and hair looms to eldest sons, which subject the cadets of over- wealthy families to the privations and inflictions of primogeniture and its concomitant feudal evils, bequeathing wealth and honors to the first-born exclusively. In this ascendancy pride is usually conspicuous. He would be well em- ployed to cut down the superabundant salaries, sinecures and pensions of phlethoric public men, not radically, lest he plucks up the wheat with the tares. He may deracinate the corruption of Church and State matter by gradual process, abolish pluralities in livings, lay impropriations, and with a gentle progressive hand effect public and private weal. Wigs should be reintroduced (not a la bob), for Sir Robert Peel wears his own hair. The lancet may be applied to the monetary treasures of those who enjoy vested rights drawn too freely from the many who have stronger claims for natural rights and privileges, such as labour for subsistence have a preeminent claim and must be sustained in the vigour of youth and manliood, also in the decadency of fading years, they possess no sinecures, but suffer sine necessitates. This state official may try his hand to depilate dandies whiskers and moustaches a I'outranee exuberant locks of hair a la kangoro, or orang outrang mode, in default to impose a knob or poll tax of five pounds. Pigtails have long dropt into disuse, such pendulae no longer oscillate between the two muscular caps of 151 the ear of the wearers and bearers of these rejected exhuberants. Tadpoles and toadies dabble in the mud Of stagnant pools, adapted for the brood Of recreant senators, a servile pack, Who take the whip and catch it on their back When halting in opinion, whilst their vote In venal sense is given sticking in the throat. The great globe and all planets float in unbounded aerial space in periodical rapid flights, propelled and upheld by the dread commaud of infinite power. The terrestrial laws of gravitation are herein controlled and counteracted as the celestial spheres pursue their course through immeasurable regions of ethereal light and space. We read of the impostor Mahomet in his iron cotRn being suspended in mid air between the mutual attrac- tion of two magnets on the floor and ceiling of his tomb ; in intermedium as if 'twixt heaven and earth. So have we seen an ass between two bundles of hay, or a blustering blunderer to double business bound, standing in pause which he shall first begin, and neglect both. An enthusiast connoiseur at a dinner j)arty enjoying 152 his symposium and colloquium, and trying to catch the strains of music pouring from the drawing-room over his head whilst he and the guests were pouring down imbibitions, he fell spellbound between two alluring attractions, sighed and wished he were ubiquitous ; a friend advised him to meet the delights halfway, per- suaded him to take a neutral position in a chair on the half pace of the staircase, where he eat maudlin in a drowsy dosey state, half asleep and snoring. He took nothing by his motion as a barrister would say. Having lost the bottle and convives, for they had dis- appeared, the sounds of harmony had long died away also, when he awoke after a three hours' snooze, and found himself all flabbergasted, all alone, more resem- bling a rejected Jerry Sneak than a giant refreshed. EXTRACT FROM THE VESTRY DIARY. Bundle, an old watchman in Cripplegate ward at night, and parish beadle by day, in a letter to his son advises him as to his conduct in night work and his day doings ; he was in his pristine days a clerk to a jew costermonger, in Rosemary Lane, City. He writes as follows. " If you do take a thief let him show himself and steal out of your company, this is the most peaceable proceeding, for those who touch pitch will be defiled by 153 the contact. Be not contaminated with sic like coves. Should you take him to task roughly, the knave might take you by the collar. Furthermore, if he becomes saucy, and utters in a loud voice oh ! " you be d d," &c., hold up your forefinger ; on any further approach towards you in abuse or threats, or if on mischief bent, you may shew him your painted staff, if that do not terrify his senses neither will a thrashing nor the stocks, leave him therefore as an incorrigible varlet to his own perverse wickednes, and stave off without further parley or hurley burly in quick time." " Beadles and civil officers (added Charley after a heavy sigh) have a duty to perform also to avert trou- bles, and to take care of themselves, before putting their fingers in the fire, or interposing in brawls, bick- erings, or fights, blows sound angrily, bruises feel sore and look blue, eschew all such gallimaufry I say. To come out of such affrays unscathed is a chance that should by no means be wantonly provoked by us peace- officers, who are appointed to use all gentleness and Ibrbearance. My advice to you my tulip is to look o» quietly, and walk off quickly, turning your back in full retreat from all cudgels, from foulmouthed fisticuffy fellows, who make free with their hands and tongues to their neighbours disadvantage and annoyance. Con- sider and accept these golden opinions as my last legacy in lieu of cash, houses, chattels, or any incumbrances." Money liath wings ; all bankers notes are light. Both difficult to catch, soon take to flight. - Silver ami gold I lack, copper -will pass. Impudence will supply thy wants with brass. 154 Like Mr B , to double business bound, pauses and deliberates wliicb he shall first commence, and neglects both. At hawk and buzzard see him imbecile, Or donkey Uke friend B stands stock still. Alas, no go, 'twixt twa trusses of hay. Quite undecided on which first to prey. Taking the veil is an arbitrary consignment of youthful innocent victims to sloth and inanity by those professors of an abhorred ascetic creed, under pretence and cover of sanctity ; but in truth for the purposes of restraint and parsimony towards the younger scions of rich parents, who become immured in cloisters sacri- ficed to the aggrandisement and pride of first-born feudal inheritors of land, tenements, or wealth. Let the unhallowed priests who pander to such schemes be stripped of their robes of hypocrisy and cant, let them only take sackcloth, and perform penance and abstinence to their hearts and stomachs delight. Let them alone abjure temporal comforts and social intercourse, such as Providence has ordained and sanc- tified, and as grateful mortals are enjoined to partake and enjoy with thankful obedience, no longer should they be allowed to impose on the credulity of fellow- men with false creeds, or foul and fell practices to boot. Man cannot be positively virtuous in the absence of tests and trials, whilst immured in cloistered cells. Vice and folly may lie dormant and inoffensive in such effbrced inhuman seclusions from the world, but which demands our assistance and participation amidst the turmoils of good and evil in the struggles of prosperity and adversity. 155 We seldom omit to offer the " compliments of the season" on the anniversary of the advent of Christmas, of hallowed memory. Should we not present sincere mutual gratulations on the approaching harvest of blessed plenteousness, the prelude and promise of heaven's gracious annual supply of food for millions? When the earth teems with ripened grain for man's sus- tenance and yields her well-timed periodical fruits of in- crease, to the glory of God and our comfort and delight. Laudamus. Do we deserve the return of these seasons with their replenished bounty? reckless of the grati- tude and praise due to the Divine benefactor, and thus forfeiting all claims to his protecting Providence through our frailties and peccadilloes. Our debt is indeed large and onerous, as our offences are vast and numerous. How can we requite the first or expiate the latter? Impossible, except through the mediatorial influence of Him who suffered for offenders, and desireth not the death of sinners. TO MISS MARY MAY-FLEUR. Dismiss those tears, my fair, no longer weep, Forget all griefs, and sootlie thy soul to sleep. The morn shall usher in with roseate light, Joy to their heart, solace from gloomy night. Devoted is my life to thee alone. United, Imply, soon we shall be one, p 156 To-morrow I shall urge my suit, and pray For thy consent to fix the nuptial day. My worldly goods I pi'offer at thy shrine, This heart is pledg'd for a return of thine, Accept this token of a fervent kiss, Prelusive of love's rite, connubialis, Fondly desired by your friend Virilis. The hours will pass, the wish'd for day soon come. When with one heart we consecrate one home. ADIEU A MAD-ELLE A SON DEPART. Te te souhaite le bon voyage, aujour d'hue, Et le iowheur, toiis les jours de la vie. In ev'ry spot wherever you may roam. May health betide ye, and a happy home. Where'er / stray, whatever njTnphs I see, My heart unchanged still adheres to thee. Dreams of the bygone social hours impart Fond hopes of quick reunion to my heart. Thyself, and eke thy charms, are in my view, Whilst with fond rapture fancy dwells on you. 157 MR. GHERKINS, OILMAN. Crib'd in a little shirt, with short-tail flaps,* With scanty small clothes, second hand mayhaps, The spencer jacket, scant and button'd on. Suffic'd for coat and waistcoat, twain in one. His thrifty wardrobe cost him in the clear, Including washing, just two pounds per year, Unpaid in British coinage, all in barter, With salted shrimps, anchovy, and tomato, Pickles, and potted char, he vended all his life, Esteem'd his best preserve his well-beloved wife. She bore him twins, and with a gentle sway Governed in happy home from day to day. ODE TO CONTENT. MUI.TUM IN VARVO. Few wants soon answer'd bring the wise delight, Viwt fools create themselves new appetite; More than enough encumbers and embroils The head and heai't with anxious turmoils. * Frugally curtailed to supply nose dusters or kerchiefs for tlKJ little boys as soon as their breeching season commenced. r.S. Mrs Gherkins urged her cara sposa to crop ofi the green cloth tails of his coat, being convertible for their small Iwys waistcoats; to this he reluctantly consented, and being thus curtailed he was compelled to transpose his goods from shop to customer in sacks, as substitutes for the pockets wherein he had previously stowed his articles of trade. 158 When one meets with a chip of the old block in society who dame nature has carved a i/oc^head, the scion or son may be expected to resemble his sire, in head or heart and inherit a similitude of the parents peculiarities and propensities ; so the chip in porridge imparts a negative quality in the mess ; and unless im- bued with cinnamon or senna, it will taste positively insipid and vapid. As Mr. Ipsedolt who is a mere cypher in the world of wits, he does neither good nor harm, he has one idea concentered in sui per se, to day is his only type of the almanac; yesterday and every arriere pensee is clean forgotten, obsolete, and every trace like melting snows are dissolved from his ephe- meral brain. To-morrow seldom obtrudes on his cra- nium until its arrival. Prevoyance, or anticipation^ never occupies his thoughts, unless the craving appetite associates his ideas with the approaching meals as they steam on some hospitable board, and stimulate the hungry faculties for the attack and repletion of the sensual system. Although Ipse is a vacant absent man, yet the present hour is the sole engrossing tangible perception. He feels no pleasure in perspective of his local fanc}--, quite unreflective and unheeding the beauties and bounties of nature, which are profusely displayed without inter- mission, past, present, and future, of which he partakes almost unconsciously, and heedless of the vast obliga- tion due to the Great Author of every comfort and ad- vantage bestowed on and enjoyed by man! It is advisable that all men should bear and forbear in their conventional pursuits with kinsfolk and neigh- 159 bours in our respective associations and dealings in the world; not to sport or play the bear with each other, either in growling out in rude bursts of anger, a la bruin, or in hard squeezing and griping in business transactions, driving hard bargains or overreaching each other. When rough and rude or bearly civil, Such ape the habits of a devil. Wherefore take lessons from imps of evil ? Let courtesy and civil manners bland, With peace and honesty strive hand and hand, In friendly intercourse throughout the land. I am out of spirits quoth Ben Bibo, Feel dull and melancholy as an owl, My brandy drank up and my credit low. How can I smile over an empty bowl. No ale, no ginger pop, nor alcohol. MORAL. Cease to pour down, to keep thy spirits up, The poison to the mind, the sotting cup. Be vigilant; sobriety gives health. With peace and joy, although devoid of wealth, Riches cannot relieve the sick man's pain, Nor furnish antidotes to vice's bane. o 3 160 DAY DREAMS. We roar and jump in dreams with incubus,* Basium all round is a bold omnibus, A kiss snatched in the dark a hlunderbus. Yet when thus prest should the fair maid complain Take back the smack by kissing her again. * As whisp'ring at her side she bends her ear. So whilst she listens, the plump cheek is near. Seize the occasion, snatch the proffered prize, And crave forgiveness for the rude surprise. Look sharp; you'll read your pardon in her eyes. Silent and softly, quick salutes like these. Even when wwtaken, seldom fail to please. Perch'd in a garden chair, quite tete a tete. In sprightly converse with your chosen mate; But should she box thy ears with gentle tap, 'Tis full atonement for the mouth's wwhap. Since lips were made for taste, as well as speech. And hybla may be pluck'd within one's reach. Beauty and worth created from above. Bestowed on man, all redolent of love. In female forms and hearts a treasure trove. Happy each man possessing such fair prize, To cheer his heart and gratify his eyes. 'Midst all our blessings what so pure and bright As maiden smiles, those occuli of light, Can aught administer such happiness As love and friendship conjoined in caress. * Nightmare. 161 Conventionality is the sacred bond of mortals. Adultery, or ci-im. con, as politely y'clept in palmy phraseology, is treated with leniency by the laws of the land, which merely impose a pecuniary fine, called damages, in coin of the reabn, and at times an expen- sive divorce, ad mensa. Let it rather be enacted and hereby hereafter ordained, that offending couples in such cases be severely whipped On the back at a cart or waggon's tail. And thence immured within a felon's gaol ; To be there scantily nourished with poor ailment, habited in coarse deshabille, and cropped on the crown by the prison tonsor, or jailor, garde du corps. The infliction of pillory and stocks should be diversified alternately each week during three successive months of the culprits' incarceration within these inhospitable walls. As prevention far surpasses cure, so this dis- cipline in terrorem would deter many from the gross offence, and save them from awful retribution, for an unrepented violation of God's hallowed commandments. Such as treat this surpassing amiable portion of society with neglect or cruelty display a vicious brutal heart, and should be expelled from conventionality of human kind, fitted to herd with animals of the desert, where savages dwell of congenial sympathies. Alas, how many houseless wanderers have been mis- led, betrayed, and deserted by their quondam admirers, thence pi'ecipitated to infamy and want, sorrow and destitution, to terminate in premature death, througli 162 wortliless sensualists, who may be deemed pernicious abortions in nature's list of created beings, unfitted to enjoy the amenities and advantages of feminine virtuous intercourse in their daily business pursuits and recrea- tive enjoyment, their gross appetites possess no relish for female refinement. THE LATE MR. (CALLED BEAU) BRUMELL, AT CANNES, FRANCE. Alas, Stern indigence besets his ways. Whilst complicated ills abridge his days, The wreck of recklessness is here display'd, The follies of the day, the night's dull trade Of revelry in boistrous drinking bouts, Yielding cataiThs, head aches, and frequent gouts In stomach, and alternately in feet, Confined in bed, or drivelling in his seat, He wails in sad despair, in mournful lays, The sequence of his ill-spent vapid days. RENCONTRE IMPROMPTU ET HEUREUX WITH MRS. HOPKINS. During my youthful days, redolent of health and joyous in heart, in my walks abroad through London streets and squares I encountered en face a pretty 163 female, and stepped out to the left to let her pass next the wall, and so avoid a slight collisive rencontre. The damsel took her side step to the right, so that we be- came again vis a vis, remained as fixtures for a moment. Now both made a simultaneous spring, as a sort of pas de deux, and in the embarrassment seized hands, ex- changing looks of laughter, which were silently inter- preted as an incipient attachment effected by a vivid electro-magnetic sliock through the nerves, via the digits, comparable to the effect of a miniature galvanic battery. I called upon the fair the following morning to explain or apologise for the unceremonious sponta- neous minuet de la Rue al fresco. We smiled and sighed over the denoument (for the arrow of Cupidon had effected its wonted purpose with one or both of us, in due reciprocity. We agreed to become partners in the polka of life's dance. She was fascinating, and her blue eyes drew a bill payable at sight for my acceptance, which I duly honored on demand with love and esteem from that day forth until this hour whilst I pen the prennptial paragraph. My dear wife and I have frequenely since the event passed through this street which witnessed our first interview, the first scene of lover's telegraphic leaps into each others thoughts and arms. She has declared that I regulary set to her as in a cotillion, when in the embarassment she says " she seized my hand merely to draw attention for the purpose of explaining and expos- tulating on the display of such a public jeremiade." The whole affair was extemporaneous. Our first boy was christened John Delarue, (Hopkins) he was vingt 164 et un last May-day, and considered of age to tread in the steps of his father, either by sudden volition, as he made the first advances in the King's highway in quick measure, or to the most customary mode of finding a mate for life, by process of cautious tedious suit and service, in a protracted series of epistles and sonnets during her absence, and of reiterated vows and protes- tations seasoned with sighs and tears if evoked in her presence. The Rev. Mr. J — y*s daily habit was to drop in previous to the dinner hour at Mrs. C s, a widow lady in Sloane Street, thus conferring the benefit of his society and conventional powers in return for the crea- ture comforts and animal aliments, stuft and imbibed in edibles and potables, too frequently spunged and ab- sorbed by his rapacious palate. From his intrusive visits day by day, We date his droll cognomen, " Pop in Jay," His plumage was all black, son of the church, He strove to please in pulpit or on perch. And never left " good living " in the lurch ; At old dame C — s wliere at the festive board, He sat to swallow viands like a lord. 16a LINES ADDRESSED TO A GUILFORD VOTER. BY LORD CRANLEY, AFTERWARDS LORD ONSLOW, When Mr. Thornton declared he would bring in hia son John as member for the county. Pray tell me Sir without restraint Which nag will be the winner ? Will Guilford town elect a saint Or will they choose a sinner ? The Thornton colt I always said Would never stand the test ; And tho' the town may choose the worst, I think they'll take the " Best."* The matter then if I'm correct, Will end as I expected, Johnf will be one of the elect, And " Best " the one elected. The hospitality of Brighton was displayed on Easter Monday, 1845, on the arrival of one thousand recreating operatives rolicking in railway transition from London. On their arrival they found a ready spread of sand- wiches, or sand which is on the beach of the sea. The salt water beverage ((a cheap substitute for "Bass's bitter ale,") afforded me a piin, them a p?/«gcnt relish and revelry, to these congregated members of the " Odd Fellows' Clubs," the Dreadnought and De^•il Dare * Lord Wynford. t Thornton. 166 societies, the Neverfrets, toujours gai, and Evergreen associations which abound in the metropolis and sub- urban districts of merry England, constituted for bene- ficial purposes, by subscription, provided for the relief of the sick and for burial of their members ; provided also that the funds were in a healthy state and so well managed as to survive the decease of the respective subscribers. Barbers and breeches -makers hand in hand, Unite to form a fraternizing band; To dry the tear, which on afflictions cheek Portrays the anguish of the poor and meek, To succour sickness on its sorrowing bed, And furnish obsequies to members dead, Solace to orphans, widows, and kindred. OYEZ! That little hall of audience the ear, The portals to the human heart quite near, Auricula well-furnished with a drum, By physiologists call tympanum. Wherein soft loving whispers are conveyed, Whilst holding converse with a list'ning maid. Loud tones too enter there with bubbling noise From street cries, balladia, and shouting boys. Yet sometimes deaf to plaints, to sighs, and tears, From supplicants who bore ye with their cares, Unheeded and intruded on our ears. 167 So when the voice of calumny outpours Its streams, let candour shut the doors. Repulse the gossip scandal of the base, His speech deserves no favor, and less grace. Yet joyous song, the prayer, or hymn of praise Axe heard; and swiftly kindred feelings raise, In the respondent soul, wherein we find, Immortal qualities of humankind. Why dost thee sigh, is it for yon fair lass? Yes; since she will not hear my vows, alas I Bright burns my flame, the hymeneal fire, By pure love kindled, fan'd by chaste desire. Mary's lov'd phiz, her modest voice and mien. Black eyes, and brows to match, with dimpled chin, All fair without, quite virtuous witliin, Claim my respect and love. Hail my heart's queen! This is my birth-day; doth it not appear As the funeral of the bygone year? Departed as a shadow, lost in time's career, A portion of the irretrievable arriere. The danger of impersonating, or acting in substitu- tum, wlien we feel ambitious, or invited, to stand in «ther persons shoes, you may put our foot in it, mala- droitly and bring about a catastrophe on your own per- sonal bacon, which might be intended for and inflicted Q 168 on the principal whom you represent as deputy or proxy. In some cases where you render yourself responsible and cudgelable from an offended party in r!italiation; so by interference in a personal quarrel between two excited belligerents, one or both may liandle you roughly, perhaps to spare each other from a good mutual thrashing, thus transferring the blows to your ribs and shoulders. Thus, the novice who is prevailed on to accept and put his name to a bill for a few hundred pounds, merely to accommodate a friend to raise the wind, may awake some fine morning from a pleasant dream in bewildered astonishment at a visit of a harpy of the limbo brotherhood, claiming the penalty of his misplaced confidence, or imprudent kindness, and inviting him to a retreat into banco regina, non est solvendo, in seclusion to ruminate on the ways and means of appeasing an importunate in- jured creditor. Trust not unreservedly in man; never become surety for a friend without some equivalent safeguard, a pledge, guarantee, or a bona fide security; or you may be entangled in the meshes of the law and engulphed in ruin. vStill benevolence, charity, and love must be freely exercised towards the industrious in indigence and sickness; due precaution is requisite to discriminate amongst the uncertain, doubtful, dissembling manoeuvres practised by some individuals in society, who may be prompted by fraud or artifice, whilst others are com- pelled to urge their appeals I'rom necessity or destitu- tion on their fellow Christian's kindness. 169 Mr S s, a traveller, took up his abode at an inn at Bangor; when he had stripped for sleep he suspended all his wardrobe on a peg outside his bed-room door in the gallery, for the purpose of being brushed and dusted by gentle menials. S — was a single and singular chap; he possessed only this one suit, he never forgot number one in its full integrity to the letter, the spirit and the flesh. Whilst he slept and snored aloud his whole lot of toggery was unhooked and carried olf from it^ pendent position by a pedlar passing along the gal- lery of the Bear Inn, who bagged this treasure trove. He stared about in a state of phrenzy as he stood shirt-clad gazing on the peg now stripped of all he had possessed, and left him denuded and bare. S sneaked back into his couch until " boots" lent him a very little pair of leather breeches. The landlady, or lady of the bar, sent her maid with a tender of a Welsh flannel petticoat, until he was equipped de novo. The ostler shod him with an odd pair of shoes and a wide- awake ?itf/;less hat without a crown. With tears and imprecations he begged the loan of an uncouth jacket from this man of straw. At noon he was in an agony in bed, where he submitted to be rough-shaved by a ten- sor, who laughed in his mournful phiz as he lathered and laid on suds of sopery with a pig bristle brush, drawing blood-drops and groans at the strokes of the rough razor-blade over the mazzard. lie sullied ibrth in this beggarly condition in quest of the villain. At a pawnbroker's door he challenged a gaunt figure attired from top to toe in his very every-day habili- ments; the wearer coolly assured him he had merely Q2 170 exclianged clothes with an old friend for the purpose of raising a few pounds for a pressing emergency, both of which he would return to Mr, S on his return, from Neverfindem town, or nole me tangere, as soon as the garments were redeemed ; in the mean time, quoth this impudent thief, '* you can stump about in these borrowed plumes, or rags as you are pleased to call them." S— — fumed and foamed with rage, he turned on his heel in pirouette, and never more met the pil- ferer; he quickly invested himself in a second-hand ready-made suit, and restored the garb borrowed of boots and ostler. Whilst we remain contented with our allotments in life, are we not rich in the superlative sense? When we feel dissatisfied in the midst of plenetude we are poor indeed, and impiously ungrateful to the author of the good which we enjoy. Mr P had more than enough; possessed yet not enjoyed it. The wish and appetite for increase are inherent impiilses, they oft lead us forward from mode- rate desires for acquisition to illimitable aggrandize- ment, even to the unwarrantable possession of treasure or its worth, until we become insatiable, and it becomes our deity. The heart beats with lively exultation and ambition as wealth increases and its joys are multiplied, whilst the world readily offers its homage and respect. Still the mind covets more, and an:s;iously devotes careworn days and nights to the sordid delights of Maramon monomania, the insensate idol of the soul. Ennui and insouciance will succeed to a long career of undisturbed enjoyment. Appetite languishes. The heart ceases to beat with delight; the breath of life surceases, no more to be agitated with disquietudes of hope and its alloys, of desires and their disappointments. Its late possessor is at rest, and his recent possessions pass tranquilly into the hands of his successor for another transition and mutation. The increase of worldly comforts, bestowed on dissatisfied beings, tend only to augment their cai'es and anxieties, and to cre- ate and multiply their artificial wants and extravagant desires, undeserved, because unheeded and unap- preciated. THE SWEDISH NIGHTINGALE. MELLE L^D. Fashion is the hallowed creed of a large portion of our Avistocrazi/, which delights in the extravaganza of life, as high card play, costly creature comforts, and othdr inordinate expenditure of superfluous wealth and leisure. Who perform homage and offer adulations in the various temples or shrines of the coryphee, to the assembled cantatrices and danseuses, whose operatic displays as we are told in the " Morning Post," &c., electrify, enrapture, and enchant the highly susceptible Q3 172 faculties of the ear and eyes of the admiring melange, whose fulsome adorations savor of impiety or fatuity. These idols of their obsequious worship, the exotic beings of dance and song, are lavishly patronized to the exclusion of more deserving native artistes, pos- sessing harmonized skill, attractive beauty, assimilated to us by national ties of patriotic indigenous friendship, and surely better entitled to a preference of protection and patronage, and not less from their capabilities and attainments in this and every science. Jenny Lind, the cantatrice prima donna of the day, furnishes a glowing theme for fulsome flattery, poetic and prosaic panegyric from the pens of editors in puffs direct and euphonious eulogiums. Men of literary talent, or those renowned in the arts and sciences, would blush to be so inundated with such demonstra- tions of personal homage. Would they not shrink from the impending fall or shower of bouquets and floral posey crowns descending at their feet in token of adjudged merit, and expressive of enthusiastic accla- mations? Still, if this silly custom promotes a frugal innocent enjoyment of our leisure hours, we need not discourage or shun the ephemeral illusion, unless we pay too dear for our whistle, which forms my chief objection to the furor of the patronising throng. Now Jenny Lind, the Swedish Rossignol, Allures the coryphee cheek by jowl ; "Who rush to catch the song of philomel, Panting in crush at opera, pell mcU, 173 In raptures listen to her lyric skill, Breathless and speechless, whilst she pours her trill Of gushing, warbling, and harmonious song Into the ravished ears of the bun ton, Who idolize in temples, and enshrine Music, the voice and dance, as 't were divine. The theatres, the pageant halls, and courts. By fashion's mania, revel in such sports. Shame! that the exotic muse should wield the palm, Whilst native melodists have powers to charm ; That Britisli minstrelsy, with sterling worth, Should prowess yield to those of foreign birth. Those swarming broods of Italy's sleek sons Flock to our shores importing their jargons Into our isle, where infatuate ninnies Listen to warbling song spinning jennies. Exchanging aerial notes for solid gold. From pockets of our John Bull's, young and old. The sums exj)ended on these pamper'd elves Would bless the indigent amongst ourselves. Alack! that royalty, its suite and train, Should give the people causes to complain. Of undue preference to aliens shown, Whilst Britons hands and hearts maintain the throne. Millions each year ooze through Britannia's fingers To pamper dancers, fiddlers, and outre singers. Squander on idlers of a foreign soil. Whilst hosts in penury must starve and toil. D. L. 174 The merry dance I dearly love, Witli Chloe frisking hand in glove. To clasp her as in whirlagig we bound In circles, whilst we waltz and twirl around To catgut scrape, to pipe and tabor's soimd. At a rural hop party assembled at the H Arms Inn, near B -n, a reunion of thirty couple of either sex mustered to enact contre dances and polkas. Negus, sherry cobbler, mountain dew, with entremets of tea, muffins, and stale buns filled up the pauses, and the vacuums of their several ventricles at the buffet a boire furnished with cakes and condiments. At a late hour " Rogerly de Coverly" was called for, when the disciples of Apollo, we mean the band, it felt hungered and craving for the appointed meal of tripe, onions, and baked potatoes for six. They therefore councilled together and agreed to tire down, or knock up, the figurantes, so that this Roger dance should be the finale, and further hopping cease for the night, and that the orchestrals might commence supper with lusty appetites long bespoke and ready. Away they scraped in hurried notes and off flew the squad in double quick measure, sprawling in uncooth gestures and distorted limbs, like that dance of " Tam o'Shanter's witches," fast and furious. Within the space of fifteen minutes from the start of these voltigeura they panted, puffed, and staggered, as though sorebitten by Tarantala, or inflamed by profuse potions of the wassal bowl. Creak- ing of corsets and leathern stays were audible, whilst cracking of fiddle strings and hard breathings broke 175 upon the ear. Perspirous streams flowed down rnddy cheeks, locks and ringlets of hair tresses, faded rilxjns, ruffles, and mock roses, strewed the arena in ruer" was the general cry, Yon damsel sits barefoot, " Oh lie, oh fie !" Cried those who opined it a great scandal. To see a nymph despoil'd of her sandal, 176 Which Jem drew forth and proffer'd to tie on. She rear'd her arms and voice, as amazon, With roar and talons like a she lion, Snatch'd the lost shoe, called him audacious clown. With heel she rapp'd his nob, and with a frown, Swore, if she were a man, she'd knock him down. We have been Jloord already, McB rogue cries, Why make a second hit, a fresh capsize? Don't flash on me such fury from thine eyes. During the melting heat of the gallopade a Mr Flam stripped off his coat and tossed it among the drowsy band, it fell on the drumhead, the parchment thumper seized the flying garment which he stowed away stealthily to the interior of the tambour, as a waif and stray article, a treasure trove, gathered like a flower en passant, picked up in 9' Thou Shalt have none other Gods but me." " Lay not up for yourselves treasures on earth where rust uid moth do corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal." The money, or monomania, prevails and pervades nuiuy irrational bipeds, who become self-pauperised 190 through their inordinate lust for wealth, which pre- occupies and engrosses a shallow debased mind, such as the miser possesses, who writhes under the accumulated inflictions of destitution, self-denial of sustenance, and the terrors of fear and dread to lose or part with those treasures, whose possession are his sole torment. He devotes the expiring ardour of his enfeebled body and soul, solely to gripe and holdfast pelf in a torpid state, quite irrespective of the only uses to which it should be applied, and for which purposes moneys are coined and collected, namely for distribution, in exchange for the supply of the enjoyments and requirements of man's existence. Avarice misplaces the affections on the means instead of the end and aim of the precious metal for better purposes provided. This idolater worships the ore, a dormant deity, his cherished depot of inutility which he dreads to lose, yet dares not enjoy, nor appropriate for the interchange of creature comforts, or the ready, easy purchase of the industry and talents of our mutu- ally dependent feUow-mortals, coheirs of the present and future state. He sleeps little in his bolted and debated dormitory, wearied and torn with anxiety, lis- tening with bristled hair to barking curs and whistling winds; anon he draws in his breath, and draws out his blunderbus at half-cock. His scanty hasty meals are swallowed without digestion, whilst he grudges the waste and cost thereof, regretting with a sigh that hunger should intrude itself into his empty stomach unasked. Half famished and fevered with fright and famine the besotted and deranged poor blockhead finds 191 no tepose for his mind or body, and moodily meditates suicide, madly urged and yet restrained by the dread of leaving his dross behind for others. He dares not look up to his Maker, for his heart is corrupted to the core by mammon and morbid selfishness. Avarice and lier evil train of Satan's subordinates, have enchained his faculties and his hands. The miser trembles, waking to behold, His treasur'd nuisance, his insolvent gold, Even to the creditor, or a friend, He dreads the pangs to pay, to give, or lend, With chests of ore, iron bar'd, and ice boimd heart, He fears the stroke of fate, lest both should part. But soon relieved by death, the worthless store, Freed from his gripe, will trouble him no more. He dies and makes no sign, oh God! forgive him! His bondage is severed, and he is released from the cares and terrors of his cupidity, whilst hie delighted executors greedily unlock the coffreforts, and disperse their long neglected contents, rationally and conven- tionally in the current courses of trade, as the life-blood in man's frame, circulates and imparts health and vigour, in its irriguous fostering streams through society, so Thus reservoirs of public happiness, Through secret streams diffusively they bless. May the last hours of such a misguided being bring repentance, and obtain forgiveness, through the medi- ation of the Redeemer ; and we hope that his own long endured self inflicted pains and privations, during his unhappy pilgrimage, may expiate all his offences 8 192 towards God, and tlie perversion of his duties and obli- gations to himself and man. A Lady meeting Mr L in St. James's Street, Brighton, with much apparent delight exhibited to his notice her infant in arms, acquanting him viva voce that the darling had cut her teeth! As the mother opened her own mouth pretty wide, it was quite evident that her dentes had long ago cut her; leaving a barren- ness wherein molares and incisories erst had shone; but now alas! bygone, long ago departed. One solitary stump of a denticulum alone was left in front to mark the wide desolation, as a relic or miniature monument of the departed ivories which once graced her ruby gums; and had for many years fulfilled the functions of gastronomy. This single tooth is now the wreck of 32 late occupants of Mrs. H 's jobbernowl, the puta- tive mother of that baby, reposing on her heaving bosom, and inspired the following requiem for inscrip- tion on my tablet. Fish, flesh, and fowl, alternately employ, Man's hungry maw, to seize and to destroy, To cut, to grind, and tear the varied food, Whene'er he masticates in eating mood. But stript of tooth's appliances, he feels, Sad void, a mumbling mockery at meals, Then soup bouille, tit-bits, or broth. Must satisfy the cravings of the mouth. 193 When precepts and example wont avail, Attach the offender to a cart's tail, Then flagelate with thongs the guilty hide, Inflicting penance while it cures his pride. Pecadilles oft are punish'd with a fine, Th' incorrigibles must have a cato'-nine. To laugh at one's ow^u joking or croaking remarks in conversation, betokens egotism, or a vulgar display of self-love. Those shallow simples who cachinate and cackle at the observations of others in your company, betray rudeness, and are often considered insulting by the listeners ; especially should they appear deficient in the graces of speech, and personal propriety of manners and address. Grinning and grimace should rarely be indulged, except by buffoons; since, whilst such contorsions expand the jaws, they contract and diminish the respect of friends and acquaintance, who may not be particularly pleased at such muscular wanton Avaggery. Smiles may be generally sported by the fair sex, for those good disposed irradiations are indices of a kind and benevolent temperament; they well become and improve the plainest countenance, and much embellish and increase the personal charms of even the most beautiful visage, amongst the fairest of nature's works. The mouth then appears to speak eloquently although the voice is mute ; the brilliant eyes will also converse in that language which is more impressive on the heart s2 194 than words can convey, which nevertheless, are pleas- ing, harmonious, accompaniments, to those bright orbs, in their enchanting visionary career of intercourse. The dimples in each cheek are not unobserved by physiologists, wherein they pourtray in fancy, a laugh- ing pigmy Cupid, each with an arrow for such hearts not unsusceptible of that warm passion, which has exer- cised its potential sway from primitive age, ever since Adam courted Eve, whence all inherit in degree the mutual sympathies of love, as it is grafted inwardly in the heart, expressed outwardly by words and deeds, by gentle looks, and endearing epistles, or billets doux. The powers of the female race are most effective in soft persuasion; their influence in kind looks, in bland speech, and graceful gestures of limb and feature, are seldom unheeded. In the company of amiable women we experience a gentle relaxation from wordly cares, their personal charms and manners excite immediate respect and esteem, which often and quickly extends to a more intense feeling of admiration and attachment, exalted to love's purity. Nature has bestowed the initiate on the fair sex, they enlist our earliest wishes and hopes, to obtain their favourable dispositions towards us men. We are too apt to flatter ourselves how solicitous they appear to gain admirers, and enlink suitors; nature has endowed them with the ways and means. Love and friendship shared in due reciprocity and integral in each breast, constitute the charms of existence; with well ordained beings they are the pres- tiges of felicity. The alloys incidental to life will not irxipair, but stimulate the mind to virtuous exertion. unless weakness or vacillation may shed their withering circaen talisraa over the hesitating undecisive being, ;itted, intended tor, and capable, of nobler purposes Ye females, hallow'd mothers of mankind; Fairest of form, more amiable in mind, Than man, first-born in strength, yet can't compare. With woman, best entitled to God's care. A thinking man is surely not lonely when alone since lie is then in company and communion witb a host of ideas, arrayed in his sensorium or cei'bellum; bygone events are brought forth in silent shadowy review before the mind's eye; absent friends are personified, and the endearing cheerful converse may be retraced, and faintly heard again once more in the treasured reminiscences of the brain. Trains of varied thoughts and fancies crowd upon us in a state of quietude, ar- ranged for revision and decision, preparatory to our mixing in the frequent intercourse of fellowship or in the tender liaisons of sexual affection, each become en- hanced and strengthened by short intervals of absence, tending to increase our fund of ideas, for intercommu- nity at each reunion. The hours past in profitable seclusion and quiet, increase the stores of intelligence and knowledge, to impart and participate with family, relatives, and friends, in the interchange of kind con- verse and benevolent w^ishes towards each other. At tira^s evil suggestions will arise intrusively on the mind, as self interest, and its instinctive bias, urge the s3 196 active spirits to obtain them, and enjoy in excess and extravagance. We may in these crises assume and exercise those corrective virtues of courage, humility, and self denial, those safe-guards with which man is provided, as antidotes to the venom of vice and its seductive train. With pastry I am happy to go snacks, " Toad in a hole," so call'd forms a nice pie; At frogs in ditches boys oft take a shy, So critics aim at dunces and poor quacks. STEEPLE CHASE EVOLUTIONS. These horse tormentors should wear foolscaps and hells, such nimrods deserve the rod of flagelation and the laugh of rustics; common sense estimates them below par in the social mart of intelligence and deco- rum. The noble horse when free, on which such boo- bies ride, enjoys a rational instinct, which never induces him to flounder over quags and ditches in pur- suit of an aerial object viev/ed from afar; he loes not feel inclined to race to a steeple, or castle, a will o' the wisp, or any ignis fatui of whimsey addle-headed fur- rore or such worthlesss incentives to idleness. To be in characteristic keeping with these rough riders the chase should be pursued on donkey backs, fitting com- ates of such a scurvy pack of chevaliers: highwaymen 197 take to the road, whilst these low fellows cut across cornfields and trespass themselves, and horses hoofs on private property; peril their necks, or victimize the unoffending unwilling animals; inflicting on them short wind with their long runs, precursors and prelusive of disease and death; whilst their vigour and courage are abused and misemployed, in the stupid sport of the lordlings of the creation, the wanton cruelty of these silly sons of the soil. Leave off these fooleries, or the scribe will assuredly cut ye off in his last will. He who is obstinate in refusing to accept all physical advice and appliances when out of health, and obsti- nately eschews to take physic or pills will be compelled to take the consequences attendant on a neglect of assisting to relieve nature*s obstructions, to restore a debilitated frame, or check an incipient disease. We might as consistently deny ourselves aliment when hungered, or beverage when thirsty, or bite our hand when extended to administer our food to the ready mouth. MUSIC. Those dying warbling dulcet strains are welcome to ray ravished ears again; like the sweet southern breeze breathing over a bank of violets, diffusing balmy odour. Musical sounds pervade the soul through the auricular medium, the vestibule or portal to the heart, where they vibrate in sweet union. The cares of the 198 world are then banished from the mind whilst concen- trating its best interests and attention on the gushing melody, leaving no vacuum for the intrusion of vexatious thoughts, or the reveries of wordly hopes and interests. Music, like beauty, is, when unadorned, most pure and attractive; cantabilies and exotic extases are mere- tricious aids. The pure energetic English ballads, such as Black-ey'd Susan, the Storm, Peaceful slum- b'ling on the Ocean, Oh, Nanny wilt thou gang with me; the bold and cheering hunting and love songs of Shield, and of many other vocalities, which breathe the chaste and simple graces of genuine English melody, and such as in our youthful years, the sunshine of past days, have oft charmed our ears and delighted the heart; all enhanced by the familiar sounds from the voices of compatriot friends, kinsmen, and such as we love best to listen to and applaud. Wit is the juxtaposition of dissimilar ideas for some lively purpose of awimilation or contrast, generally of both. It is the clash and reconcilement of incongru- ities, the equivocal varied phraseology of humour and goodnature. Its impromptu sallies may be spiced with gentle sarcasm, but ungarnished with gall or acerbity, embodying a two-fold idea, or double entendre, unmixed with baser matter, divested of any taint of indecorous hints or allusions. Honi soit qui mal y pense. 199 SUaviug is a performance or opera at which one may cut and come again, as wags remark over a bai'on of beef. To shave, or not to shave ; that is the question. Whether to trim and smooth the bearded jowl, Or let the shag o'crspread the golden bowl. Scrape as you will the muBzle and your chin, The beard will flourish, crops will come again. Should it remain uncut a month or two, The human face assumes the kangaroo, Or vies with the orang outang, or goat. As dandies in moustache denote the brute. Like scaramouch pourtrayed in pantomime, Or zany in his dotage, dribbling rheum. MEMOIR FROM MY BIOGRAPHY. Mr. J , a joiner, enjoyed a chister of distorted discoloured teeth in the upper and lower tier of his jowl, or golden bowl. Several protruded for that dif- ferent angles, all nonvertical, thereby twisting his mouth into varied uncooth shapes or grimaces, expand- ing and contracting the orifice spasmodically, and never closed. He wore a constant broad grin, or dumb cachination, even on solemn and serious occasions, whether at a funeral or in a church. Many took offence and fancied he was making faces or lau2rhinor at them insultingly, for which he stammered out an apology to avoid a thrashing or being turned out of the room. The members of the " Ugly Club" prevailed on him to sit for his portrait, daubed in oil, lie was invited to 200 dinner on the hanging day, when he was delighted to behold his sign or effigy dangling from a peg in all its deformity as a fac simile burlesqued into a sinister squint overlooking the lower damaged features already hinted at in this sketch. He was persuaded, but de- clined, to submit to the extraction of his whole lot of teeth and substitute a new double row which a dentist proffered to perform for £10, with a post obit bond for the return of the bones or ivories on the demise of the wearer. A proboscis, or nasus of Bardolpliian size and color surmounted this precious mouthpiece, more useful than ornamental. My friend J felt always shy in company, and held a kerchief over the offending members; his mum- bling speech was thus indistinctly heard, and the muffled visage imperfectly visible. I advised him to wear a black veil, or a little portable mask, as he had received some letters intimating the disgust and alarm entertained by some females en peu enceinte, and* dreading une fausse couche, or abortion, from an abrupt recontre with J in the streets, where children fled at his approach, and dogs snarled as they bounded away from him in terror and affright. J was not yet clasped in the bonds of Hymen, lacking the courage to avow a fondness for the fair, and dreading a flat re- fusal with contempt and frowns, at such proposal of hand and heart from so disfigured a mortal man. Yet our hero was considerable reputable in his social pur- suits and worldly ways in spite of his teeth, and malgre the nasal disproportions and discolouration thereof. At length a short built stout widow beheld him with sheep's 201 eyes, which penetrated the recesses of his bosoui, ami excited a sensation therein. Both became entangled in love's meshes and entrapped in Hymen's chains, or chords harmonious, at the end of a May month's court- ship. " Handsome is as handsome does," quoth Mrs. J , as she tickled her spouse's ear, and hinted for the possession of a ten-pound note for the exigencies of her deficient wardrobe, and for the replenishment of her exhausted little treasure box. From their united efforts and sympathies resulted several little juvenile J — 's, unattended with any dispute or quarrel. As they sat hand in hand, tete a tete, discussing domestic duties, " J , my dear," quoth she, " we should put Tom and Jemmy into breeches." " I have no objection to provide those articles," replied he, "but the boys may put themselves in when they wear them. The Rosemary Lane rag fair Will rig and fit them to a hair. • Mrs. J proposed to cut down and reduce in miniature her husband's second best shorts for the urchins equipment, but he declined to be unbreeched, or disembrogued, for such puposes. The conference terminated with an arrangement to clothe their nether limbs with habiliments of green baize for the winter, and imnkeen during the summer. They were getting in to their teens and should not stump about in petti- coats any longer ; now the eldest boy had weathered nine winters, and should no more be kept in abeyance touching the nether garments. For ray parts I prefer a buckskin pair, Yellow as gold, and fitting to a hair. But during dog days I wear bombaseen, Color'd with hue of pea or olive green. 202 1 should have no ambition to embrace A Venus of the Hottentotty race. Whose figure head, with elephantine rear. Bespeak a being not unlike a bear. Still man and monkey, pig or porcupine, Attest through nature's works the power divine. From insects mean to female charms and worth; Each as a link, from wisdom owes its birth To a kind Providence, in whose blest domains. Encircled with his heavenly host, he reigns. All perfect there, the empyreal throngs Surround the throne with hymns and hallowed songs EURAL BARBER, WHO LOCATED AT THE ISLE OF DOGS, Cut hair for three halfpence, for three pence he bled; For a groat he would draw ev'ry tooth in your head; For a blast or a mildew he cared not a pin, His crops never failed which grew on the chin ; The fair one whose charms did this barber enthral, At the end of Fleet market kept a fish stall; Indignant she said, " No chin scraping sot Shall be tackled to me by the conjugal knot; Since tripemen and fishmongers vie for my favor, D'ye think I'll take up with a twopenny shaver." The pence which he earned by exision of bristle, Were devoted each night to whetting his whistle. 203 From early years a barber was he bred, To cut down beards and shave the bumpkin's head, Whilst some from smarting razor blades loud raved As he scraped on, as ruthlessly he shaved, Chins would shed crimson drops, from clumsy strokes From razors, cutting neither beards nor jokes. Sti'op lathered on, regardless of their cries. Whilst suds suffused the nose, the mouth and eyes, Intent only to earn his copper prize. The penny which was paid by bearded chaps. Not to draw blood by rough-handed mishaps. One of his customers owed him for a wig, and might be considered head over ears in debt, which he pro- mised to return when worn out. It was not his own hair, being Mwpaid for and wnnatural. Non compos corpus when the limbs succumb, . Non compos mentis finds the mind humdrum. A TOPOGRAPHICAL TRACT, BY THOMAS TRUCK, A TRIPE TRIMMER AT COW CROSS, LONDON. In the suburbs of Westminster city a spacious court, called Utopia Place, intermural and quite antirural, was inhabited by a humble population of operative artizans, a sort of purblind cul de sac, wherein ingress and egress were only found attainable at one end; neither sun nor moon were ever visible within these T 204 precincts, visionary only from the mind's eye. The man monkey from the theatre is the sole star. Which twinkleth as he sojourns here, In his attic dormitory sphere. It boasteth of no thorougfare, Nor aperture for purest air. It offers no escape from the angry pursuit of men or animals. Of baited bulls with feU intent to toss one, Or bloated bailiffs with writs of caption. In this valley you may sit snug at your own door uncoated, hats off, with females in stays disrobed of gown in summer's broil and toil. You cannot be set down at " sweet home" by voiture, unless by the con- veyance of sedan chair or wheelbarrow, because cara- vans and carts are inadmissible through the narrow postern. One here sells beer, trumpets, blankets, and fiddles, soap and stationery, cream, bloaters, and con- fectionery. The vista of this nest of dwellings at the court end terminates on a snug barber's museum, from whose frontispiece a painted pole projects, forming a staff to an enormous waving bunting flag, inscribed in gold-coloured letters, shaded. All here may cut and come again, To lose their beards and be shav'd clean ; Here ears are bor'd at moderate price, Bad teeth extracted in a trice. Wigs here are sold for nimiskull nobs, Scratches for bald pates of old snobs. 205 Groups of honest artizans may be espied smarting under the hands of the razor bearer; some seated on a long deal bench alfresco, quite uncanopied, without even canvas awning or shed to skreen the sitters from rude clowns' remarks, rough winds, or smart pelting showers, awaiting patiently their turns to be soaped and shorn, lathered and lacerated with blunted razors. Others were indulging with tobacco fumes to puff away the loitering hours from pipes streaming with smoke and stench, which idlers too oft imbide, alas, alack!' A pump with lamp aloft shines as the sun in the centre of this lively locality, Avhence the temperance members draAV their aquatic resources from earthen pitchers or iron bowls enchained. This hydraulic engine becomes too often degraded to unseemly un- sightly purposes, exercised in washing large dogs and little boys, bed and body gear, fish and foul linea, sheets and shirts, trowsers and toggery, anon all dangling and floating on slack ropes to dry and yield their reeking moisture to the atmosphere or desert air. Beneath these dripping varied vestments the court cot- tiers are compelled to grope to and from their abodes, crouching in devious ways and cautious tread. The monster lamp serves to light these alley bred amateurs to bed, dispels darkness and dangers riie during the night, whilst they dream or toss in their couches and pallets, bewildered by nightmare, tortured with tooth ache, or griped by grog and flatulency. The lads pastime of leap frog was sported here uu natural by numerous immigrants from an adjacent ditchery. The urchin boys proved their skill in pas- T 2 206 times of hoops, marbles, and skipping ropes in the open area of this clustered hive when let loose from school. " Chaos is come again," roared out a rustic as he stared at and heard the discord and devilry congregated within this herd of human beings and subordinate animals in gregarious confusion running the giddy round. Let others guard this vale, and those within, Qnoth Joseph Stumpy, with a frightful grin. Whilst I shall sleep at home in a whole skin. vSuch formed the melee of this sporting throng, Since air and exercise to all belong. And claim the tribute of my votive song. The palace may contain a narroiv mind, A noble soul oft dwells within a hind, Whose humble industry its comfort brings, Moi'e lasting, less embittered, than a king's. Pigs were here immolated to the voracious appetites of the inmates, they were destined to bleed and supply cates for gourmands in the varied dissected forms of pork chops, pettitoes, and sausages. Boys strewed slips of orange peel in his path, on which he slipped and stumbled, getting three ugly falls within a week, dropping on all fours as a tortoise, Avith an awkward spread of arms and legs, on the pub- lic pavement, more adapted for perambulation than antic exhibitions and postures. Each stalwart housekeeper undertakes to personate an alternate charge of watch and ward, parading the entrance gates in the authority of beadle or ogreman 207 with truncheon armed, and ferocious frown on brow to awe and intimidate the unruly; to exclude all wanton intruders, whether hogs or hoi'ses, beggars and ballad bawlers, &c.; also to distribute to the passers by puffs and printed bills of the several trades and crafts prac- tised by the lumpkin inhabitants of this favored alley. This night or watchman kept aloof from this retreat all vagrant rival hawkers, pedlars, and medlers in their costermonger callings or bawlings. A watchbox, as a lodge, was conspicuous for this staff officer on duty to take a nap and a pot of stout, enriched with a pipe. From this cribbed close abode he seldom emerged during darkness, except on some pressing emergency ; or, for instance when startled awake through a horrid dream, or from the barking of dogs; sometimes urchins would annoy him with missiles of uncomely quality, pelted into his sentry box or kennel, which has been recently transfixed to the ground securely, owing to some wicked attempts to overturn and capsize the slumberer as he snored aloud. Brave as a Bobadil or Bardolph. he seemed on a false alarm, (hen would he fulminate and fume manfully; but when a dangerous rude assault approached in person his courage evaporated as he sneaked and shuffled off to save his bacon and avoid a rib roasting by cudgel process. In any conflict he held himself neutral, and maintained a strict incognita. A cabbage stalk had struck him on the snout, Quick he stalk'd forth, and sharply look'd about. The vagabond had scampered out of siglit. So he crept vi, somewhat in damag'd phght, Vowing " he'd no more, keep the watch at night" t3 208 Try Circe's art, and in the tempting bowl Drink sweet oblivion's poison to the soul. A wag called for his bill at an inn wliere he had dined. The waiter charged for three whitings ; you are wrong said the guest, I had two whitings and o«e smelt. I shall pay for two only. The other you may either send to sea, Or entomb it in your own beUy. I have paid thro' the nose for one bad fish. Which you may serve up in your own dish. Present, past, and future, the triunity, lavolv'd in Jehovah's eternity. The present fleeting hour man's circumscribed sphere of action, is the pivot of life, on which our thoughts piroutte in its various contingent phases and changes^ looking around on the countless beauties and bounties of creation with untiring admiration, Avhilst we are permitted to sojourn here, and indulge in thosa mani- fold comforts strewed in our paths; all partake in kind and degree, none are entirely excluded by nature's laws ; power, skill, and fortuitous combinations, have eyer established prior accredited prescriptive rights between men, for the varied changing gifts of fortune. The present in its active avocations is cotempory with tbe future, the beginning of the end in one series or sequence. We look back on the past panorama of buman existence v> ith smiling regret at the earlier days of youthful enjoyments; the retrospective scenes are 209 vivid in the imagination, evoking the once enjoyed and sweet intercourse of dearest friends and beloved asso- ciates, some lately sepulchered in an early tomb, others liave dropt as the autumnal leaves in maturity, or faded into the decadency of honorable old age full of years. For such fellow favorites whom we once did fondly love or sincerely esteem, the tearful sigh is a tit and faithful epitaph silentio. Such of us who survive the era of our manhood with healtli and the world's competency, dare not be ungiateful for a safe and com- fortable journey, in the pilgrimage of life's existence, whose pleasant road is at times strewed and inter- spersed with sickness, sorrows, and corroding cares, I'elieved by alternate compensating joys, afforded to our mental and corporeal faculties, best enjoyed and appre- ciated by a thankful contented humble heart. Our familiar former songs and conventional glees amidst friends and brothers once gratified our ear, must now satisfy the memory, even as the native com- mon flowers influence and delight the eye as we catch the recollection of strolling over heaths and commons in our pristine days, now almost numbered, and soon must merge and be lost in the eternal current of hal- lowed time's eventfull course. Then in our youth as we inhale the balmy air, and the aroma of wild flowrets and shrubs, the heart re- joiced in the impulses of rude health, joyous spirits and sports, anon partaking of those of the field and fireside, dancing halls, or social symposium. We are instructed and encouraged to look forward to the termination of our career with humble trust and hope to the beginning 210 of a new unknown epoch, to a beatific state in celestial abodes " as promised to our forefathers and their seed for ever^"" on the terms and conditions as are enjoined by Grod for man's temporal and eternal welfai-e. " Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest." Such is our Lord's beneficent summons. Shadows and dark clouds rest awhile and pass over our heads during our sojourn here, veiling to the creature's finite view the vast effulgent light and glory of the Godhead and his eternal kingdom, shed and spread around to infinity, yet is it faintly manifested to our partial limited prospect from the mind's eye, finite beyond our aerial atmosphere, all is circumambient with the emphyreal regions of divinity, unmixt with baser matter, devoid of ought but what is good and fair, now and for ever. Yesterday, to day, and the morrow prove; God's mighty pow'r! His everlasting love. A CRACK CROCKERY AND EARTHEN- WARE DEALER. Mb. snooks on THE CHINA QUESTION ; A SOLILOQUY IN BED. When sleeping mortals taste oblivion's sweets, Deeply imbedded in soft down and sheets; Hallow'd be ev'ry night with pray'r and praise, Prelusive to the coming bustling days. 211 MORAL, OK ETHIKS. Awake, the dawn invokes our worldly cares. To look for customers and sell our wares; Servants are china smashers, man and maid. The more they break they benefit the trade. Let glass be crack'd and crockery destroy'd, Soon we'ell replenish and fill up the void; Of pots and pipkins whether broke or flaw'd. Bottles are emptied at each drinking bout, China and fragile glass will ne'er wear out. They must be wasted too, and thrown aside, To help the market, and fresh stock provide; Yet save tlu; bits of what are gone to pot, oh ! They'l form egad a very px'Ctty grotto; With shells of oyster, muscle, perewink. Where one may sit to ruminate and drink, Success to brittle ware, may wooden platters sink Preserve some pieces in their shivcr'd state. They'll serve to send each friend a piece oi plate. A brace of oysters remained untasted on a dish at table whereat three were assembled. One a lawyer announced an elegy on the bivalve pair, saying they were united in their lives and in death are not divided. Yet he should venture to make a division with an opening knife blade, and share them in a legal though 212 some might sonsider it in a sellAsh manner. The edible portions would devolve to him asyVeeholds in possession. The conquiliac or shells would become apportioned to his two friends as residue in fee, who might experience more delight in possessing these testaceous curiosities, than in digesting the animals enclosed and incarcerated, and which he had extracted and dissolved by gastronomic process. LAWYER LOQUITOR. " The fish ephemeral is bolted soon. Your shells will last a valuable boon -, To decorate a grot, or garden walk, \^'^le^e boobies lounge, or idle loiterers stalk." '' Forewarned forearmed," a pithy proverb advising all to take a hint and timeiy precaution against impen- ding troubles, to be prepared for premeditary attacks wherever we may consider ourselves vulnerable. The personal fear or mental apprehensions are excited by threatening shocks, man's energies then are aroused to consider, devise, and fortify the defences. The mind instinctively foreshadows the approach of events of a disastrous or alarming kind, and feels despondent at the forebodings of danger to our temporal or spiritual interests, until its energies are quickly called into action. 213 The spirit of the gentle devout christian is comtbrted and fortified under worldly trials, his resignation tends to disperse the glooms of threatening storms, and rallies his resources for any encounter, supported by pious and conscientious intentions resulting from divine philoso- phy. A guardian angel appears to sit behind each cloud, to cast and shed abroad his surety of deliverance, like a rainbow over the darkness of the storm, convert- ing by his benign influence every source of sorrow to a soft stream of joy and blessedness. " Take my yoke upon you for it is easy, and my burden is light." FINIS. Brighton ; C. Verrall & Co., Printers, 2 & 8, Prince Albert St. EERATA. Page vii. line 2 tor wntnisrifiU rend manuscripts. X. line 1 1 fov indif/nativn read indiffnities. 6. line 17 for comer read cornea. 23. line 13 for Longeure read bonyenie, 28. line 30 for renon/nic read renomme. V^ (b !( -CALIFO/?^ ,^WEUNIVER%. vs^i ^1 iil! \ ^yn\. „ /^Pviinkiwcm?^ v/ mm /rnr/ '^OJIWJJO'f* ^OFCAIIFO/?^ ^.' > \J t f ^ > ^ VI — / 3>. d: '^AHvaaii-^ ^t LIBRARY6 ~ ^^WEUNIVERS•/^ ^v >^ il3DNVS01 '/"W A-OF-CALIFO/?^ AWEUNIVER% ^v' J( I g ^1 " o 1^ >i'^ -T/j tj i_ '^1 IM .-^•UflAUfU.-, --AJivaaiv^^^ CAIIFOff^f^ >- ^ § ^^WEUNIVER% UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY I AA 000 415 928 i 3 ^ vin^ «. .UONVSOV ^ ■ J ^lUBRARYQ^ '/(■) invito (^OfCALIFO% > '4r C3 "^^ ■ 'vyaii-^^^ ^v. 't/AilUilUi'i'-' % o ?3 '