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 ll
 
 THE GOSSIP; 
 
 ' 7 
 
 iiii. 
 
 SCRAPS OF MANUSCRIPTS AND FACETIJ-; 
 ILafonifa ft ILinira, 
 
 UKING TUK (,;i,i:AMN(ib tJl 1111': J.KISl RK liUl H^ 
 UK A (iKNTLEMAN, 
 
 AM< (OMJ'KISK 
 
 HINTS AMI SCUAI'S tiATHKRKl) t»\ TUK KOl'iifl AND 
 SMOOTH KOADS TIIROLHJII LIFE. 
 
 "Try it, that yoii may judjt'C : Then 
 
 Spoak of it as you lind : 
 
 Nothing- extenuate nor aujilit set down in uiahce." 
 
 P.RKJHTON: 
 0. VERRALL & CO., S, PRIMC^E ALliKltT STUKirr 
 
 M, AND S. HICHAM. 'A, CHISAVELT. STREET, I.ONIH)N. 
 184i).
 
 06f 
 
 DEDICATION TO THE PUBLIC. 
 
 A former work of mine on Architecture, was inscribed 
 (by command) to his late Majesty George the Fourth, 
 at a time when Public, and private, business, engaged 
 my labours in London, the favourable reception of the 
 book, far exceeded my expectations and its merits. It 
 was my intention to solicit a similar honor from an il- 
 lustrious individual, now no more. Peace to his mames ! 
 and to offer these essays to his notice and patronage. 
 The death of H.R. Highness the duke of Sussex an 
 occasion of sorrow and regret from the nation by whom 
 he was respected, and beloved : the maintenance of lib- 
 eral sentiments, Avas honourable to himself: his good 
 name will fill niches in our memory. The Cenotauph 
 will perpetuate it beyond days. No Prince has been 
 more justly lamented for his public virtues, and the en- 
 dearing social qualities, of kind universal benevolence. 
 His taste and patronage of the arts and sciences shone 
 conspicuous, during his career, in public and private 
 life. 
 
 To the public I venture to dedicate these imperfect 
 gleanings from leisure hours, they comprise, hints and 
 seraps gathered on the rough and smooth roads through 
 lire, scattered Avith boon heterogenous varieties of na- 
 tural and artificial growth, and produce, where we see
 
 IV. 
 
 every thing to admire and rejoice in the works of Pro- 
 vidence ! and much to shun and reprove amongst the va- 
 garies and follies of Man. In the fond (perhaps vain) 
 hope of furnishing some Amusement, I may be excus- 
 ed, altho, the same Indulgence may not be conceded for 
 the presumptious attempt to inform contemplative read- 
 ers, In this enlightened Era of a well informed intelli- 
 gent community. The public may be quite indisposed 
 to read the following pages a galaxy of literary Authors 
 shine of various magnitudes, in the boundless range and 
 cycle of science, in which all are gifted (more or less) 
 to entertain and instruct their contemporaries. It is not 
 my ambition to propitiate the favor and indulgence of 
 that small portion of the Public readers, who cannot or 
 will not be pleased, at whatsoever we take aim, strike 
 high or low, rather shall I complain like the man and 
 his ass, who pleased none 
 
 Whether on dapple, squat, astride, 
 
 Or, trotting at his donkeys side. 
 
 Oh ! tis all barren, some will say, 
 
 Whate'er one writes, on any lay, 
 
 Some jealous of their kinsfolk skill in writing 
 
 Confess their spleen, in envy and backbiting. — 
 
 When we hope for honied praise we may receive a crit- 
 ic's cynic sting, and in lieu of floral honors, enwrapt in 
 wreaths, and crowns, of laurel : be contented with a 
 salute of cabbage stalks, turnips, and pommes de terre 
 en missile. Wit may be termed a perception at a glance 
 of the connexion of remote ideas, it requires judgement 
 to combine discretion, how so to apply them, as to
 
 wouiul slightly, those on whom we may venture to ex- 
 ercise that talent, moreover it may be unwise and un- 
 generous, to evaporate sallies of a caustic stringent na- 
 ture, unless called for as a rejoinder to a jeu d'esprit 
 from another, puns may be employed if not personally 
 pungent and apposite. Imperfection is so congenial to 
 human nature, that it may appear presumptuous to ven- 
 ture with reproof or censure : and least one may incur 
 the just retort to our unwelcome advice. " Physician 
 cure thyself—" meddle not with me." nole me tangere 
 or it may be retorted, Sir, you are as likely to contam- 
 inate, as to correct me." 
 
 Many who indulge in censure are not less amenable to 
 error. Critics are not infallible judges, especially when 
 they decide through envy, and prejudice, and mistake 
 the dexter, for the sinister, and infer erroneous partial 
 conclusions ; yet all who use their speech, and exercise 
 the Pen, must stand in awe of the Public suffrage, and 
 decision, as well as await the disciplined power and ta- 
 lent, of the reviewers. 
 
 The head, the hand, and the heart, are well employed, 
 in literary correspondence : the invention of one, the 
 graphic office of the other, and the affections of the lat- 
 ter : are called into action to perform the pleasing task, 
 Epistolizing to dear friends ! whether on facetiae, fiimi- 
 liar, or on grave matter : furnishes, a mutual pleasure, 
 to whom it gives, and that receives. 
 
 Proverbs embrace the Avide sphere of human existence, 
 they shew the various shades and colours of life, often 
 elicit genius with their sarcasm and pointed satire, hu- 
 mour and elegance of imagery : they are seldom em-
 
 VI. 
 
 ployed in conversation ; a good proverb is distinguished 
 from a maxim or apothegin by the brevity which con- 
 denses a metaphor : Proverbs become memorials of the 
 manners of various eras, as quoted in Spain, France, 
 Italy, &c. for historical and moral purposes ; they claim 
 our attention 20 thousand may be computed among the 
 nations of Europe.
 
 PREFACE OR PROEM. 
 MANY SCRAPS OF MANUSRIPTS. 
 
 It is almost as herculean a task, to remove prejudices, 
 as Mountains ; I shall however venture to quote, and 
 attempt to comment on a few of the Saws and proverbs, 
 in common use ; which may be interpreted, in a varied 
 sense, and to reject such apparent fallacies, as tend to 
 confirm erroneous Inferences, or rivet false conclusions 
 on our minds. Whenever we liberate our ideas from 
 delusions, I presume that a step is gained towards 
 improvement and instruction, phantasma may be 
 replaced by sterling truths, and sober sense. 
 
 Indulgent friends have persuaded me to gather up 
 the fragments of my scattered thoughts, to compress 
 them in print, bound in calf skin. The asses skin may 
 be deemed a more appropriate integument for its dull 
 contents. Brevity, it hath been said is the soul of wit, 
 even many subjects of genuine merit may admit of 
 compression. In these my feeble discourses it has been 
 my aim to avoid being too prolix or diffuse. The 
 gentle reader need not be reminded that by skipping 
 or skimming he may still further abridge the dry 
 leaves, the jejune pages, the passages that lead to
 
 • • • 
 
 vm. 
 
 nothing, or leave them unperused. It is not my inten- 
 tion to follow in the Avake of many gifted authors and 
 poets, to invoke the muses with my votive string, as- 
 piring to Parnassus' Mount. Should such presumption 
 induce me to apostrophise them with " Descend ye 
 Nine" I might ^jrovoke their exalted puissance. Fears 
 would come over me of an unharmonious salute from a 
 strong invisible hand (perhaps Latona's son Apollo) 
 wielding and dropping on my shoulders a cat-o'-wme in 
 lieu of inspiration from Helicon. I shall therefore 
 merely implore, or call forth, the powers that stir within 
 us. The distemper called by Juvenal " Scribendi 
 cacoethes," or itch of writing, appears to be infused 
 into a great portion of the present race, in which pre- 
 dicament I also stand ; the pen mania is almost 
 epidemic. Some authors are cauterised with satires ; 
 many formerly expiated the offence in the pillory when 
 very malignant in their effusions. Many others write 
 what they themselves alone do read, or witness the 
 offspring of their muse still-born, or degraded to line 
 bandboxes, or restricted in their circulation to the 
 culinary spit enwrapping a sirloin in rotary motion, 
 perhaps enclosing the condiments of the confectioner. 
 Many works require excision either from the pruning 
 knife or trenchant axe. Vive la plume. 
 
 The spirit of the age shines forth in a host of intel- 
 lectual writers of either sex who do credit to themselves 
 and their country. There are a few exceptions, ad- 
 mitted by all who discriminate, in which may be^ 
 included the pernicious memoirs of George Barnwell, 
 Jonathan Wild, Jack vShepherd, Eugene Aran, Tom
 
 IX. 
 
 and Jeriy (et sue generi), works which are dramatised 
 at our principal theatres ; thus personifying vice and 
 infusing poison and bad taste in the breasts of youth. 
 What is applauded is too often imitated. The antidote 
 should be achninistered by moral writers, as it appears 
 the laws of the land cannot interdict such effusions of 
 the press, although pregnant with danger and damage 
 to the rising generations. 
 
 Some individual is (I suspect) preparing for the 
 press an improved edition of the " Newgate Calendar," 
 illustrated with engravings of such worthies whose 
 exploits, life, parentage, and education should be 
 suffered to rest, or rust, in oblivion, entombed with 
 themselves and the pity of less erring fellow-men. We 
 observe books a;inounced for publication which should 
 be denounced, or prohibited, by the censorship of 
 authority. 
 
 " Vice is a monster of such frightful mien, 
 As to be hated needs but to be seen, 
 But grown too oft familiar with her face, 
 We first endure, then pity, then embrace." 
 
 It has been ascribed to pedantry to introduce foreign 
 words or idioms into our language, which have terms 
 of legitimate English origin fully and elaborately ex- 
 pressing all that these exotics convey, and intelligible 
 to every one ; in this particular I fear I shall offend, 
 hoping the custom of my cotemporaries will exculpate 
 me, and for which I must plead the general issue. I 
 dare not say, as we read in some author, if any reader 
 be not pleased, let them please themselves with their 
 own displeasure. The man and his ass pleased nobody.
 
 X. 
 
 Some readers may consider the work in perusal unen- 
 lightened and obscure in its contexture ; it is easy to 
 throio a light on the subject by deflagration, which will 
 give it a vivid lively character, and form a rapid 
 funeral pile to the memory of the untoward genius 
 who prompted its pages, to such who vainly aspire and 
 write for fame and earn oblivion such printed papyrus 
 are duly consigned to the winds, or various ignoble 
 appliances, by lining bandboxes, travelling trunks, and 
 papering the mud walls of paupei's' cottages. To such 
 indignation ephemeral labors are oft degi'aded. 
 
 Michael de Cervantes, the genius of Spain, author of 
 the famed " Don Quixotte," a captive in Barbary, at 
 Algiers, wanted food. 
 
 Virgil, died on the birth -day of Shakspeare. 
 
 Lewis Camoens, the solitary pride of Portugal, 
 perished in an hospital at Lisbon, author of the 
 Lasiadas. 
 
 Tasso, the Prince of Italian poets, borrowed a crown 
 for subsistence, he apostrophised with his cat, intreated 
 her to assist him with the lustre of her eyes, in the 
 absence of a candle which he could not procure to 
 write his vei'ses. He died in want and imprisonment. 
 
 Peter Corneille died in poverty ; so did our Spencer. 
 
 John Dry den sold ten thousand verses for £250 as 
 per agreement. 
 
 Some authors have been rewarded or consecrated by 
 the renown of posthumous monuments, to whom the 
 worth of the marble and sculpture, might have contri- 
 buted sustenance during their lives. Witness poor 
 Burns, whose memory has been honored with tributes
 
 XI. 
 
 and ovations in his fatherland, his sons have received 
 public demonstrations of respect and homage, to the 
 merits of the deceased parent. 
 
 Ilayden, a talented artist, terminated his active un- 
 fortunate career by suicide in the domicile of his 
 afflicted wife and bereaved children. His embarrass- 
 ments deranged his intellect, and I recollect him as 
 excitable and eccentric in manner and converse. Sir 
 Robert Peel sent him £50 in his latter days, and for- 
 warded to his widoAV since his death £200 with a con- 
 doling letter promising further aid when required. 
 
 In the melee of his political disquietude and antag- 
 onistic partizans, Sir Robert can soothe the anguish of 
 the frantic suicide and his bereaved survivor. Honour 
 and praise are due to such benevolence, it has con- 
 ferred an imperishable name amidst the list of his 
 countrys worthy members, imprest on the hearts of 
 grateful recipients of his bounty. 
 
 Many authors sit down to make up a book purely 
 from interested motives, and why not ? Who is 
 enamoured with gratuitous labors ? My pretext for 
 scribbling is to fill up a hiatus in my leisure hours, and 
 to exercise a very humble attempt to amuse, where I 
 cannot presume to instruct, being fully aware that 
 '' Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." There is 
 very little unknown land in literature, any proposition's 
 which are true and possess some scintilla of novelty 
 may be admitted to view. The present age is con- 
 spicuous for good reasoning and bad practice, for sound 
 rules and arguments and corrupt manners. Virtue is 
 in our heads, vice too generally occupies the heart. It
 
 Xll. 
 
 is difficult to improve such an age, it is hazardous to 
 offisr instruction or be didactic, yet always allowable to 
 furnish amusement of an innocent tendency in which 
 may be blended instruction. Neither the turmoils of 
 an active life, nor the compiling this little opus, have 
 abridged any portion of my sleep. Its perusal may 
 have a contrary tendency, may have a narcotic effect 
 on my readers. To such as may not feel merciful 
 towai'ds its imperfections let me add, " To err is human, 
 to forgive divine." I anticipate neither fame nor profit, 
 merely the reimbursement of outlay, unless the public 
 are more liberal than I claim to be entitled to, I may 
 be included in the category of beatitudes with those 
 who expect nothing, and shall therefore not be disap- 
 pointed. 
 
 The sweeping scythe of time has consigned to the 
 tomb numerous relatives and friends who kindly pa- 
 tronized my professional pursuits. The recollection 
 will not be effaced from the tablet of memory. It 
 emboldens me to venture once more to present myself 
 to such as remain, and to an indulgent public. The 
 chains in social conventional intercourse are continually 
 severed. The silver cord will be loosened, and the 
 golden bowl soon be broken ; also the wheels at the 
 cistern of life. Then shall the dust return to the 
 earth as it was, and the spirit return unto God who 
 gave it. They and thee, my good readers, yet may 
 flourish ! We may meet again in eternal bloom, in 
 reunions of peace. 
 
 " The storms of Avintry time will quietly pass, 
 And one unbounded spring encircle all."
 
 XIU. 
 
 The late Dr. HaAvksworth has the following record 
 on his monument in Bromley Church : " Let not this 
 be perused as only relating to myself. For Q,feto years 
 only will divide the eye that is now reading from the 
 hand that hds written." During life's summer, the 
 second period, while hope is ever buoyant, the heart 
 springs with vigour, the vital flame burns brightly 
 unvexed, untired with its toils and recreations. In 
 the seer and yellow leaf of our autumn experience dis- 
 sipates many fond illusions which early hope had 
 painted in our imagination. We become cautious and 
 apprehensive, and feel more acutely any sinister 
 personal. 
 
 " The law's delay, the proud man's contumely, 
 The insolence of office, and the spurns 
 That patient merit of the unworthy takes." 
 
 The ruling passion is strong in this third period of 
 life, ambition, avarice. The loss of our first friends 
 and parents, regrets for past, anxiety for the future, 
 hinder the enjoyment of the present, occasions disap- 
 pointment and ennui, bringing in its train perhaps 
 palsy and gout. The grand climacteric, 63, if attained 
 with health, should be enjoyed with fervent gratitude, 
 and an endeavour to convert every irritating circum- 
 stance into comfort and consolation. The writer hereof 
 is now at sixes and sevcfis, beyond the sexagenerian 
 period, the notitia of mortal decadency. 
 
 Having attained the patriarclial period of seventy 
 summers, nearly the termination of nature's long lease 
 granted to us, the remainder of life then becomes a 
 
 B
 
 XIV. 
 
 pi'ecrtrious and oft a painful tenure of decadency and 
 pain, decreasing ivourly to a dwindled span, and thence 
 translated to another bourn illimitable and interminable. 
 Hnply may its bliss be the appointed lot of all human 
 (n-eatures. 1 feel thankful to have been preserved to 
 old age in physical strength of frame, and not ineffi- 
 cient in the mental powers and faculties which have 
 been bestowed on me, although of a mediocre degree, 
 yet they suffice for the purposes of a more vigorous 
 aim and end of wordly pursuits than I have employed 
 or exerted through life ; yet humbly conscious they 
 should be estimated far below mediocrity. I may be 
 time honoured for grey hairs only, yet unrenowned in 
 written chi'onicles, and unentitled to the meed of public 
 celebrity and fame, either at the present or posthumous 
 period. 
 
 Those who live secluded in the unostentatious career 
 of pri^'ate existence, whether shorn of, or uninvested 
 with, honors or riches, may be fully compensated for 
 such deficiences by enjoying a state of unembittered 
 quiescence and contentment, a sort of negative temper- 
 ament of the mind, which we consider the best prepa- 
 ratives, and humbly trust may ptove an auspicious 
 felicitous advent to that rest which, under Providence, 
 can no more be disturbed by change, chaos, or corrup- 
 tion in the regions of eternity. In coelo quies.
 
 REMINISCENCY of EARLY ATTACHMENTS. 
 
 'Tis tlxe first impulse of the soul to love, 
 And all its fond bewilderments to prove. 
 Junetion of soul and flesh then oft unite 
 To lead a new and lens^then'd life, by ri(ilil 
 Of matrimonial rite, for day tiud night. 
 
 Witness the youthful aspirant lor admission to si 
 female heart, wliilst he vociferates his passion in loud 
 avowals, seasoned with alternate whisj)ers in avdent 
 protestations. Anon kneeling in prayer for her ac- 
 ceptance of his vqjvs ; panting fw her responsive siglis 
 and siniles which his inamorato reserves in abeyance 
 until the spirit-stirring influence within becomes re- 
 ciprocal. Then both are in love — in uno. 
 
 Tlie lady idol is enshrined in his heart, to whom he 
 ofiJers his iweense, and pours out some wmniixwv in 
 (luick rapturous flights of metrical or prosaic I'ancv in 
 flattering, improvisatori, the ready coinage of excited 
 imagination, imbued with real tenderness and esteem. 
 Corame il faut. 
 
 b2
 
 The first command in the decalogue strictly enjoins 
 to man no worship to any other Gods but the alpha 
 and omega — the Lord above. Yet it conveys no in- 
 terdict against the adoration of Goddesses, who are not 
 unusually the terrestrial deities of man's homage or 
 devotion whenever, especially, he is head over ears 
 enamoured of the fair, or " drowned in love." At such 
 a juncture he finds his penates, his household gods, 
 amongst fascinating mortals in the circle of his asso- 
 ciates, and adulates the softer sex with devoted assi- 
 duity. Not forgetting, we trust, the higher and sole 
 claim for man's worship and reverence to Him who has 
 created all things for our use ; who has bestowed those 
 charms and qualities on womankind ; and endowed 
 men's hearts with feelings to appreciate, respect, and 
 cherish them in their respective phases and positions of 
 virgins and daughters, wives and mothers. We must 
 revere them, however, only as mortal beings, although 
 trusting they may be admitted as coheirs of eternity, 
 and attain to the inheritance of immortality in heaven's 
 futurity. 
 
 Love is an innate, undefinable mystery ; sometimes a 
 poison in nectar ; the poetry of the soul ; imprudence 
 in many of its votaries ; advantageous to the great 
 majority who practise social moral duties. Providence 
 has implanted its first impulses within us. We are 
 intrusted with the guidance and the chances of its 
 promoting our happiness when directed by judgment 
 and reason. The pursuit is intoxicating to ardent en- 
 thusiastic souls, in whose day dreams and night 
 thoughts nature infuses its opium, its elixir of hope and
 
 fond desire. Tliis affection of the heax't appears to be 
 the summum bonum, the summer of the mind, in all 
 seasons, even winter inclusive. It seems to make 
 multum in parvo by its circaen wand, which fetters all 
 the senses, and like the talismanic magician can conjure 
 up a fair bright Eden. May it ever be unintruded 
 upon by the wily serpent who beguiled and fascinated 
 our mother Eve and brought evil on mankind. 
 
 The besoin d'oimer is a universal impression, ex- 
 citing a corresponding sympathy in such as may enter- 
 tain a similar sensation in conventional intercourse with 
 each other. If not mutual, love is neither deep nor 
 <lurable ; but when reciprocal, its power is electro- 
 magnetic in the rapid communication fi'om soul to soul. 
 Presto passi. The contact or collision is instinctive, if 
 not inspirative. 
 
 Lip larcenies are often perpetrated by juvenile 
 knaves of hearts on the cheek of the image of their true 
 affection and esteem. In the daicn of this sentiment 
 the stricken one is silent, for language is not required 
 to express what the eyes convey to the elected favorite 
 in mute eloquence. In its meridian career words are 
 employed to make vows and assurances of the unre- 
 mitting continuance of the attachment which rules the 
 heart, where it sits in halcyon meditation. Epistles 
 are its mercurial messengers ^^ hen absence prompts the 
 pen to reiterate the avowals, to feed the flame which 
 warms the breast of the enamoured suitor. The 
 ancient bards typified this passion in beauteous 
 symbols, raised fanes and altai's, offered votive incense 
 to the parent of love, and the attribute cf friendship 
 
 b3
 
 and esteem is implanted in the human breast. Ill 
 youth when it flames brightest, in succeeding maturer 
 years it burns uniformly, until the approach of death 
 when its ineffectual fire is pale and lambent. Is it not 
 the basis of human existence and all the social ameni- 
 ties of the social compact ? Morality and happiness are 
 its concominants and allies ; the graces add their 
 attractive charms, and dispensate the power of pleasing. 
 Love is a tender plant ; bodes evil ; is unfructious in 
 ungracious soils, producing hasty ill-assorted marriages, 
 brimstone matches, repinings and reproaches^ or in 
 sensual celibacy and profligacy amongst the dissolute, 
 with a disreputable unsatisfactory termination of life's 
 career. The word love is formed from two softest 
 vowels and consonants in our language. Amour sounds 
 softly. Venus, the titular goddess, shines with three 
 vowels in her mellifluous cognomen. The dove, the 
 swan, the myrtle, and the rose were sacred to her, as 
 we read. When attired by the graces she presents an 
 allegory conveying moral precepts, susceptible of im- 
 provement to juvenile minds, and pourtrays the loveliest 
 attributes of the female sex in sterling worth and 
 beauty's pride. A virtuous woman is a crown to her 
 husband ; a watch tower and a bright shining beacon 
 to their children. Youth and beauty though they 
 bloom but to fade, and wither but to die, yet fade to 
 bloom again with renovated charms fit for the society 
 of angels, and the spirits of "just men made perfect" 
 in that boundless region wherein celestial glory reigns 
 eternally. " Another commandment give I unto you," 
 (saith the Saviour) " That ye love one another."
 
 s 
 
 ANTENUPTIAL ISM. 
 
 REHEARSED IN A DUET. 
 
 Susan Snowbreast with Thomas Turtle sat, 
 Close tete-a-tete, hearts thumping pit a pat. 
 He dared lip larceny, and stole a kiss, 
 As prelude harbinger, or taste of bliss. 
 Sue frown'd on Tom at the loud hasty smack, 
 Desiring he would quick return it back. 
 The theft he own'd, and with a gentler buss 
 He seal'd his pardon without further fuss, 
 A second soft impression on her cheek 
 Made due atonement for the wanton freak ; 
 Then vow'd, he merely meant to urge his suit, 
 Intent to gain her hand and heart to boot. 
 Take both said she, lest you should steal again 
 What may be soon your own, if worth your gain. 
 And should you find me worthy to obtain. 
 Tom stampt triumphantly on her fair brow 
 The pledge of love by deed and fervent vow. 
 No more in sharp reproof Miss Snow gave vent, 
 He gained his cause and caused her to consent. 
 
 MORAL, OR PERORATION. 
 
 Hie to the altar, at whose sacred shrine. 
 In Hymen's bonds, your future fates entwine. 
 Let friendship crown. May social duties cheer 
 The chequer'd days of " Turtle doves" career !
 
 That all the bliss connubialis brings, 
 
 May be their happy lot. My muse she sings 
 
 In iopeans to the wedded blitheful state, 
 
 Rejoicing at my union with my mate. 
 
 Woe to that man who slights, deserts that wife, 
 
 Whom he has sworn to love and cherish during life. 
 
 ON THE HUMAN EYE. 
 
 The human eye especially the feminine, surpasses 
 the lustre, beauty, and intrinsic value, of the costliest 
 diamond, sparkling in the monarch's diadem : or the 
 richest gem which glitters in the turban of Mahomed 
 the Sultan, stars merely of reflected light. So dotli 
 the dole of charity, exceed the valued treasures of cor- 
 rupting gold, when employed for the bribery of slavish 
 vice, or for the mere enjoyment of meritricious pleasures. 
 
 The rays of light from heaven enter the eye through 
 the corner, the watery humour through the pupil, 
 thence into the chrystaline where refracted and col- 
 lected together, they paint on the i-etina the exact 
 image of outward objects : inverted or upside down, 
 but readjtisted as we see them in reality. The optic 
 nerve is touched and excited, producing ideas and sen- 
 sations of the brain, the light or spirit of the mind, 
 the sensorium ! 
 
 Here we may pause to wonder, and adore ! 
 With hope divine : what cheering ray 
 Of heawnly liglit, eternal day !
 
 At evening close when sleep steals over the slum- 
 bering senses, these lights of day cease their functions 
 for the nonce ; their fringed portcuUices quickly but 
 gently drop over the blue serene to shield, what they 
 unveil at the following dawn of morning. No human 
 skill would presume to imitate the moving mechanism 
 of eyelids, they with other wonders of nature, are so 
 familiar to us by their constant course and uses, as to 
 be almost unheeded, and assuredly, never duly appre- 
 ciated by man, unconscious of the power that from on 
 high doth wheel the silent spheres. The evil eye must 
 refer to the soul, coveting and meditating evil towards 
 objects within its ken, portentous of mischief. Mis- 
 trust or suspicion may find a motive for probing the 
 alterior views or mental reservation of some friend. 
 The eye can often detect his thoughts, when subjected 
 to a close scrutiny, as you watch and penetrate the 
 motions of his visionary orbs, he may avert them, half 
 close, contract the iris, or he may expand the sight to 
 a glare of alarm or astonishment, all indicative of vari- 
 ous sensations which agitate him within, and pourtray 
 the feelings which occupy the heart. In lifes progress 
 and its pursuits, the proprietors of these precious visual 
 orbs sacrifice largely for their gratification and indul- 
 gence, since whatever we see or admire is often coveted 
 for its possesion and enjoyjnent. Coute quil coute. 
 
 We feel delight in purchasing such ornamental lux- 
 uries or vanities, for the chief end and aim of their 
 being seen and admired by others, in our society. We 
 certainly tax ourselves heavily to satisfy self love. 
 How cheaply we are indulged in viewing iiatures
 
 8 
 
 charms, we may gaze on her countless beauties, sans 
 prix, at all times, without cost or fee. Yet for artifi- 
 cial objects, there are no limits to our expenditure, the 
 research to procure them is insatiable, still this love for 
 display is instinctive, as is the wish to please, and be 
 pleased ; and thus sustain the innate affections between 
 the species the menus pleasures are essential to modern 
 existence and usages. A beauteous female destitute of 
 .sight has been not inaptly compared to a fine day with- 
 out sunshine. All must appreciate, for who has not 
 felt the influence diffused from those stars of light set 
 in the female face divine, the express indices of the soul 
 and its varied sensibilities, they can read mark and in- 
 wardly digest whatsoever is within the scope and raoge 
 of their observation. 
 
 Samson Agonistes apostrophises loss of sight. 
 
 " Oh worse than chains ! 
 Light, the prime work of God, to me extinct, 
 And all her various objects of dehi^ht 
 Annulled. 
 () ! dark, dark, dark ! amid the blaze of noon I" 
 
 Milton deplores the loss of this invaluable blessing ; 
 
 " These eyes that roll in vain 
 To find thy piercing ray, and find no dawn : 
 So thick a drop serene hath quench'd these orbs, 
 Or dim suffusion veil'd. 
 
 So much the rather thou celestial light ! Shine inward, 
 And the mind through all her powers irradiate : 
 There plant eyes, all mist from thence, purge and disperse ♦"
 
 The wondrous mechanism of these orbs concentrate 
 in a point the images of extended lar-off fields and 
 countless animated beings, conveying innate thoughts 
 and consciousness reflected and discussed by the rea- 
 soning faculties. 
 
 We hear of gimlet eyes enjoyed by sharp-sighted 
 keen wordly beings, Avho, we have been told, can " look 
 you through," and possess the faculty of '• seeing 
 through a deal board," a faculty superior to " second 
 sight" or clairvoyance. Who hath ogles cannot achieve 
 this penetrating observation ? lohen a gimlet hole hath 
 been bored through, or after a loose kvot has dropped out 
 from the wood in question. The Dihid's eye is cer- 
 tainly capable of seeing through knotty points, can 
 penetrate somewhat further, and e\ en peep into futurity. 
 We are there restrained by an intercepting veil, imper- 
 vious to mortal vision, yet one may trust and hope to 
 view in reality what we " see now through a glass 
 darkly," yet suiTioient and more clearly than we can 
 desire or deserve in our abject finite condition here. 
 
 ON COLOURS. 
 
 The Hociety of Friends, called Quakers, affect to 
 despise the foreign aid of ornament, and are hostile to 
 colors ; always excepting those of their own costume — 
 fawn, dandy grey, russet, and mouse teints. 
 
 Surely that head and heart must be obtuse if failing 
 to observe and admire the splendid array of hues as
 
 10 
 
 they are displayed in such diversity throughout nature's 
 works. Contrast in colors in the recurring changes of 
 light and darkness, in beauty and ugliness, contribute 
 secretly to the delight of our senses. Flowers, birds, 
 fishes, and even insects are gorgeously decked in bril- 
 liant colored clothing, perhaps for the delight of the 
 wearers, and certainly also intended for the gratifica- 
 tion of man's enraptured sight. Meadows are carpeted 
 with bright green, the leafy foliage of trees and shrubs 
 are clothed with the same livery of verdure ; nature 
 produces nothing in vain, and ail her productions are 
 quite worthy of admiration. We should be unjust and 
 ingrate to be unconscious of her charms, or to pass un- 
 heeded through her stores of beauty and plenteousness 
 lavished around and within us. The iris, or rainbow, 
 is a celestial spectacle of seven colors, a meteor of 
 beauty, a token of God's pardon to man, the sacred 
 pledge of security against a second deluge. 
 
 From the refraction of the rays of heaven's light 
 arises the distinction of colors, which are more or less 
 vivid as the rays are strong and faint in varying degrees. 
 The contrasts and changes in these and other products 
 of Providence form secret sources of delight to man. 
 If only one colour prevailed in the world the eye would 
 be soon wearied, the dull monotony would disgust 
 instead of giving us such delight ; neither could we 
 define or distinguish objects, nor enjoy the pleasing 
 association of ideas which the variegated beauties 
 bestow.
 
 11 
 
 Giltspur Street and Knight Ryder Street were po 
 called because of the knights who in quality of their 
 honor wore gilt spurs, and rode that way to the joustings 
 and other feats of arms practised in those days at Smith- 
 field. Giltspur Counter was a house of entertainment 
 for such as trespassed the hounds of decorum and 
 honesty. Here they were kept within bounds, and 
 allowed room and leisure for rumination and reflection 
 which may as well be indulged in limbo as when quite 
 
 at large. 
 
 AROMATA. 
 
 Alack a day ! to be laid on the shelf when overtaken 
 in due course of time with second childishness and 
 mere oblivion, after having nearly worn out the mortal 
 machine with cares, or indulgencies too lavishly en- 
 joyed; then thrown by as waste paper, musty records, per- 
 haps ierfridden, precursor to the couch of death. Then 
 many, reluctant to retire, are elbowed and thrust into 
 the shade. Dummies, the hollow representatives of 
 sterling worth are placed on shelves, where wisely kept 
 for show in shops and reperetories of stores. Demi 
 dummies in the senate are not shelved, but are stowed 
 on forms, silent and speechless, emitting only dull 
 sounds and interjections, oh ! oh ! and cock crowing. 
 
 Some years have flown since the Poultry in London 
 was the locale of a spruce spicy grocer who enjoyed a 
 thriving trade, had one foot not in the grave, but on 
 the stepping stone to Aldermanic exaltation, to civic 
 emoluments and honors. On taking stock he could not 
 avoid to take notice of a very considerable waste or 
 
 c
 
 12 
 
 diminution thereof, which he could only ascribe to the 
 obtrusive visits of rats uninvited by him ; what was to 
 be done. He felt half inclined to make a bonfire in his 
 warehouse, and smoke the rascals out with sulphur. 
 After pausing a while he decided to keep watch and 
 ward, making up his bed on the counter -top. Mort 
 aux rats. 
 
 Yet dreaded to be overhauled in sleep, 
 By rats sore nibbled as he lay bo-peep, 
 Looking for squals, listening for the approach 
 Of footfalls, of invaders to his couch. 
 
 His neighbours, in the spirit of waggery, would call 
 his shop-board the Poultry compter. Ah, well, my 
 masters, he would say in retort, " bring me good coin 
 for my goods, and no counterfeit gold or sillar across 
 it." He cared not a Jig for such jokes, when they 
 ofifered to wager he was worth a plum, as Thwaites, 
 Garrett, &c. were known to possess. He would be 
 quite satisfied to supply plums for every pudding swal- 
 lowed in the city during his lease of life, although they 
 might nickname him Alderman Plumher. 
 
 Ficus now made up his mind to make up his bed and 
 roost at night on an upper wide shelf, where sugar 
 casks did stand 
 
 In bulky form, in bright array, 
 
 Alluring customers all day, 
 
 His hogshead stow'd quite snug away. 
 
 On the third night of his perturbed bioken slumbers
 
 13 
 
 he was awoke at the stealthy approach of footsteps 
 issuing through the wall of an adjoining house, and 
 observed three rogues quite on the alert, stowing away 
 his aromata or grocery, as busy as bees in a hive, bust- 
 ling about and quite alive. Figo looked down from his 
 watch tower in wrathful fright as he icatched the ab- 
 straction and removal of his tea cannisters and sugar 
 loaves. He hurled down a cask of prunes on their 
 doomed heads, sadly wounding the rearmost of the tri- 
 umvirate hip and thigh, he was doivn upon them, but 
 not quick enough in propria personje. Our hero now 
 descended the ladder from his lofty perch just in the 
 nick of time to witness their escape, and see his goods 
 for the last time ; their labours thus terminated they 
 effected a masterly retreat, unpursued from lack of 
 courage or vigilance, and from lapse of time wasted by 
 this inefficient guardian of his own goods and chattels. 
 The bandit soon removed their establishment to a 
 more safe unsuspecting quarter, where they might with 
 equal success, by another coup de main, make a fresh 
 transfer of stock, as the brokers say on 'Change, from 
 the property of others. The stroke of retribution soon 
 fell upon them, they were detected in their next exploit 
 and consigned to the tender mercies of the law ; an 
 embargo or injunction was made to hinder their carrying 
 on the spice trade any longer in their native land ; a 
 comptdsory emigration to Australia restricted further 
 depredations. 
 
 A fastiduous youth was yawning and uttering dole- 
 ful complaints to a wearied listener of his bodily 
 
 c2
 
 14 
 
 ailments and vexations, inflicted or imaginary, viz., 
 " He could not endure music for it bored his ears," 
 dancing he affected to despise, and for a good assign- 
 able cause, his legs being of unequal length and calibre 
 which bore him about ungainly ; hopping, sliding, and 
 shuffling, as would be displayed by a disciple of the 
 class of crutched friars, the ancient order of cripples. 
 He lost the figure in the dance, and cut a very sorry 
 one as he tumbled at the feet of his partner. Anon, 
 he expressed an instinctive horror at the companion- 
 ship of bugs in his bed, especially in the dog days. 
 His friend considered the said bug much less intoler- 
 able than a humbug who worried one all day long, 
 whilst the smaller annoyance of the insect was rarely 
 felt, scratching and biting the epedermis only at night 
 merely a phlebotom-like titilation betwixt sleeping and 
 waking, moreover he, the entimolian, was a silent tor- 
 mentor, and never made free with his tongue ; whereas 
 the other two-legged one was a perpetual irritation to 
 the quiet and well ordered members of society. 
 
 SIMILE. 
 
 Matrimony is like a pot of half and half, 
 Although the simile may make you laugh. 
 The sexes join to form a happy pair. 
 Porter and ale, well mix'd, who can forbear 
 To take the imbibation when one's dry. 
 Or taste of wedlock's joys when love is nigh ? 
 These mixtures I advise all friends to try.
 
 1^ 
 
 DUELLING. 
 
 Pride and bon ton will shoot a mortal foe, 
 Assassin-like, will pierce a brother through. 
 The diff 'rence 'twixt a noble and a clown, 
 One kills his man the other knocks him down. 
 Cain was the first t' imbrue his hands in blood, 
 Foul murder ever since has stamp'd his brood. 
 Who courts grim war or perpetrates a duel, 
 Opens the gates of entrance into hell, 
 Grating like clangor of a funeral knell. 
 Woe to that man who takes a human life, 
 Unless defensive placed in fearful strife. 
 Resist, defend, but spare the fatal blow 
 Which lays a vanquish'd fellow-creature low, 
 Lest his avenging blood to heav'n may call, 
 For retribution on your head must fall. 
 Down rebel heart, upon your knees invoke 
 The Lord of mercy to avert the stroke, 
 In penitence of grief pray, and deplore 
 The deed of darkness, vow to sin no more. 
 Lo ! where horror-stricken the murd'rer stands 
 O'er his fall'n victim, whose sad fate is seal'd, 
 Starts with wild anguish, flying from the field 
 To hide his guilt away in foreign lands. 
 Yet can he nee'r escape the envemon'd dart 
 That blights his hopes and lacerates his heart. 
 Yet God alone can soothe his tortur'd breast, 
 Save him from ruin, through his high, behest, 
 And give to penitence eternal rest. 
 
 c3
 
 16 
 
 INVISIBLE GREEN. EYES AND NOSES, 
 
 Green is invisible to all we know, 
 
 In grass, when it is clad in winters snow. 
 
 So darkness visible doth much surprise, 
 
 Such as make use of both their gimlet eyes. 
 
 When nought is to be seen, indeed almost, 
 
 'Twere difficult to specify a ghost. 
 
 Should such a rara avis interlope. 
 
 Whilst thro' nights marky shades you fearless grope. 
 
 , EYES. 
 
 'Tis second sight discovers horrid spectres, 
 
 From phantoms of the brain and fools conjectures : 
 
 As read in vapid books and heard in lectures. 
 
 Grimalkins can see clearly in the dark, 
 
 Their ogles then emit a vivid spark 
 
 To light them to their prey ; quickly they souse, 
 
 With fangs destructive on the tim'rous mouse. 
 
 The gift of scent is also in the cat. 
 
 To nose a musculus, or " smell a rat. " 
 
 NOSE. 
 
 Man likewise has his instinct, there he goes ; 
 Led by the ruby proboscis, his nose. 
 That organ, first and foremost, takes the lead, 
 Whether you crawl along, or walk full speed. 
 It keeps its even tenour quite a head, 
 Guiding your steps and pointing out the way, 
 Unless you're drunk, it never leads astray, 
 Even should you get a drubbing in a fray.
 
 17 
 
 Then should you get a downfall, quick pick up 
 
 Thy prostrate lumber limbs, with a hiccup, 
 
 Else wiU a policeman soon show you up. 
 
 In choice of food this nerve olfactory, 
 
 Performs its task quite satisfactory. 
 
 Teaching us what to shun, of which partake, 
 
 In viands roast or boil'd in fry or bake, 
 
 If fresh or stale your meat, should game sniff high, 
 
 Quick, like a brougham snout, 'twill testify 
 
 By spasm contorsive, and averted eye, 
 
 Oft at a pinch it recreates in snuff 
 
 From pipes and light cigars it keeps aloof. 
 
 From hungry mouths belmo whence fumes arise. 
 
 Which tetilate the nose and cloud the eyes. 
 
 EDUCATION. 
 
 ." To teach the young idea how to shoot." 
 
 The learning of latin being nothing more than the 
 learning of words, join as much other real knowledge 
 to it as you can, some are learned in the dead languages 
 and feel a degree of preeminence, over those who talk 
 sense in the vernacular tongue the usual parlance, we 
 may acquire a few languages in as many years, but the 
 labour of life is required to be truly eloquent in one 
 I consider the best education before a child goes to the 
 University is a domestic one under the eye of a married 
 divine, where twelve or eighteen juveniles are in-
 
 18 
 
 structed and treated as the family, tlieir morals and 
 comforts forming the chief objects of solicitude and care 
 under their roof. Pitt and Fox were botli educated 
 under the immediate care of their parents. Latin and 
 Greek are the universal panacea, they are elegant lan- 
 guages but are ill adapted to the middling classes of so- 
 ciety. As a course of education those who are destined 
 for the pulpit bar or senate are certainly required to 
 cultivate those studies. Vaulting ambition, too often 
 persuades the merchant and tradesman to place their 
 sons at public schools to make verses and sometimes 
 disqualify them from pursuing the even tenor of their 
 way in busy life. Indeed, they will feel more instruc- 
 tion and delight in the beautiful authors of their father 
 land than in wading through the inferior trash of 
 heathen mythology ; gods and goddesses in masquerade, 
 Ovid and his indecorous metamorphoses, Jupiter 
 assuming a bull dallying Europa, then as a swan with 
 Leda, all quite at variance with codes of morals and 
 Christian lore. Virgil's ^neid is a fine latin poem, 
 so is the rural })ortion of his Georgics and Eclogues, 
 but who should be invited to peruse the amours of 
 youths and animals, or the satire of Horace ? both must 
 be considered a licentious disparagement to the Latin 
 classics. These works are indigenous to fair Italy, and 
 there they might remain with many other follies and 
 vicious errors, too often imported by English travellers 
 in their excursive pursuits for pleasure or instruction. 
 The most eminent men have sprung from the middle 
 classes, which wiU ever be the case from many con- 
 comitant causes. The great stimulus is on their enter-
 
 19 
 
 ing life, where the world is all before them, where to 
 choose their place of rest, and Providence their guide, 
 when they are not independent nor 'enervated by the 
 too early possesion of fortune, and the smiling ac- 
 quaintance of gay associates or incipient libertines. 
 Milton, Dr. Watts, and Locke, reprobate the study of 
 Latin and Greek, as a course of universal education, 
 for many classic youths have become curates, teachers, 
 or tutors, others have failed in attempting to earn a 
 livelihood in the paths of literature. Our language is 
 so interwoven with the dead languages as almost to 
 render their application unnecessary, often nugatory in 
 the abstract. 
 
 The primary object appears to give the scholar an 
 easy familiar pure style in his own native tongue, this 
 accomplished, let the linguist study languages, the di- 
 vine theology, the lawyer jurisprudence, the sailor 
 navigation ; and in aJl colleges and seminaries a know- 
 ledge of the higher branches of the mathematics, as 
 chemistry, geology, mineralogy, botany, natural philo- 
 sophy, political economy, and every science adapted to 
 the capacity of the students. Music and singing may 
 be cultivated as accomplishments, All should be based 
 in religion or all is in vain. The sway of authority 
 must be firm and decisive, but gently exercised. We 
 should treat the tender minds as plaistic wax, warm 
 them with aflfection ; should we visit their early days 
 with austerity or violence we shall make an unfavour- 
 able impression and probably destroy the mould. No 
 physical coercion should be used, for what does not
 
 20 
 
 penetrate tlie head cannot be whipped into the terminus ; 
 whatever tends to degrade lessens self-respect. 
 
 The scholastic system, a la Busby, is exploded, the 
 art of teaching by stimulating both ends is out of date. 
 A boy who is horsed every day will perhaps still remain 
 an ass. Public schools, as Westminster and Eton, have 
 their objective drawbacks. Morals are oft unattended 
 to by the masters and preceptors. The boys have too 
 much uncontrolled licence over each other, and exer- 
 cise too frequently a brutal sway over the younger 
 scholars. Their dramatic performances on the eve of 
 the scholastic vacation at Westminster are not unob- 
 jectionable, on account of the selection of licentious 
 plays and recitations. A public education possesses 
 in other respects great advantages ; it emboldens a 
 young man, accustoms him early not to stand in awe of 
 the world, cures him of a certain pusilanimity which 
 is inspired by a retired life. At College connexions 
 and ties are formed which endure for after years, habits 
 ai'e acquired which society alone can give. The great 
 advantage derived is emulation and its fruits. The 
 scholar every day sees his master praise one and correct 
 his costudent, blames idleness of one and extols 
 another's industry. The love of fame spurs on to labor. 
 He feels shame to yield to his equals, and prides him- 
 self in surpassing the forwardest of his class, and carry- 
 ing the proffered prize. In this laudable spirit malig- 
 nity, envy, or pride should be inadmissable to the 
 breast of the student, wherein amiable dispositions and 
 the accomplishments of the mind should be cultivated
 
 21 
 
 exclusively. These qualities will last in their influence 
 when the lustre of all that once sparkled and dazzled 
 shall have passed away. 
 
 The education of females is highly important, because 
 they, in maturer age, are best adapted to direct the 
 heart of either sex to refinement of virtue and intelli- 
 gence, they can best check and restrain imjiulses, con- 
 trol the ebulitions of the passions and of reckless im- 
 providence, and are the safest guides in the paths of 
 true wisdom and goodness. The art of drawing should 
 be taught to girls as an accomplishment and useful 
 application ; to designing for ornaments for dress and 
 furniture, which may be cultivated by females as a 
 source of profit also in the tuition at seminaries and 
 in instructing their children. Leisure hours may thus 
 be delightfully employed in sketching or drawing from 
 the various beauties of creation, from rural and pictO' 
 rial scenery ; our cottage homes and surrounding 
 objects may furnish pleasing subjects for the pencil, 
 adding to the recollection of parents, kinsfolk, and the 
 companions of earliest happiest days, which are seldom 
 obliterated from the tender and affectionate heart. 
 
 The marriage feast of Cana, so beautifully illustrated 
 in scripture by the Saviour on an occasion of marriage 
 festive celebration, when he turned the water into 
 wine. " The modest water saw its God and blush'd !" 
 Christ was pleased to perform this miracle to sanctify 
 with his presence and tlius consecrate the union of 
 the good in bonds of matrimony. The miracle itself is 
 but an epitome of those wonders universally displayed
 
 22 
 
 by Providence throughout his works. The earth ever 
 teems with its overflowing bounties. From its luxu- 
 rious bosom springs the root and branch of the bloom- 
 ing vintage ja elding exhilirating juice of the empurpled 
 grape to cherish and delight mankind. 
 
 Did we duly adore the giver of all good and appre- 
 ciate his innumerable dispensations, we should dread 
 to abuse his gifts, or to indulge in them to criminal 
 excess or waste. Vineyards, orchards, and an infinite 
 variety of fruits, herbs, and flowers in due season, are 
 nature's miraculous boons, calling forth man's labour to 
 gather ; his gratitude for their possession and enjoy- 
 ment is due to heaven. Yet the creature doles out 
 these blessings with a selfish stinted hand to his fellow 
 man which the Creator pours forth in superabundance 
 for all and every one without restriction or distinction. 
 Water is even to be considered a more valuable element 
 than the juices of the grape, even as a beverage ; in 
 inexhaustible difiusion it fertilizes all the products of the 
 earth, refreshing and sustaining man and beast. The 
 mighty waters of the ocean, the course of navigable 
 rivers afford roads and highways for the world's voy- 
 agers to convey commerce and civilization to the re- 
 motest shores, forming and colonizing mighty empires. 
 Noah first planted the vine, and was the first inebri- 
 ated by his son, who was punished for this paternal 
 insult. Bacchus brought it from Arabia Felix. Its 
 produce, like the golden products of the mines in Chili 
 and Peru, confer the greatest proportion of good and 
 evil to mankind with reference to their prudent or im- 
 provident distribution by those in possession.
 
 23 
 
 Exclusiveness and exquisiteness appear as the do- 
 minion of fashion, the empire of bon ton. Almack's 
 gay reunion presents a vivid instance where the devo- 
 tees of the coterie the lady patronesses, issued a sump- 
 tuary edict, restricting the cntre of any gentleman into 
 this societe distingue ; except in " breeched brevities." 
 A clause waa provided that the prohibition might be 
 relaxed in favour of those who were bandy or bow 
 legged, who might in that case be allowed to appear in 
 trowsers or pantaloons of light texture and fair hue. 
 Proof being required whether such were cripples, (dc 
 facto) the rule was however cancelled from the statutes 
 of la Cremc du Bongeure, from the dilliculty of obtain- 
 ing an impartial decision. The monster bronze figure 
 of Achilles of Phidias from the quiriual hill at Kome, 
 as executed by Sir Richard Westmacott, forms a con- 
 spicuous adjunct to the Duke of Wellington's mansion 
 in Hyde Park London, was selected by a committee of 
 ladies of rank aud fuahiou ; The cowtumc of tliis giant 
 statue is purely natural, and somewlrat typical of in- 
 decorum, bting Jicarly M«a[)parellcd. Tlie stigma might 
 be effaced from tlie iair committee, by the removal of 
 the inapi)ropriate Patagonian hero, Avho doth bestride 
 the earth like a colossus as the Pharoa at Rhodes : The 
 skill of tfie artist is however not less to be admired, 
 than the taste of the female members, who were lovely 
 and patriotic shedding a lustre in the graceful circles 
 of the orbits in which they moved, irradiating with 
 their charms delight to every eye, aud over all hearts. 
 
 '• Grace was in all their steps, Hcavcu in thou: ey;, 
 In every gesture, dignity and love." 
 
 D
 
 24 
 
 " For that fair female troop thou sawest, that scem'd 
 Of goddesses, so fair, so blithe, so smooth, so gaj'. 
 Where music poetry and dance combine, ' 
 
 In womans voice, and lineaments divine ! " 
 
 Avarice is a passion full of paradoxes, the miser 
 accumulates treasure in the first instance as a means to 
 happiness, and by a common moi-bid association he 
 continues to hoard his riches as the C7id, and there ends 
 his felicity : His covetousness is the sepulchre of all 
 his other passions, as they decay, he serves his gold as 
 a slave, it serveth him not ; Wealth is to him as a fever 
 to the sick, torturing and preying on him with the dread 
 of losing that which he dreads more to spend. Riches 
 are useful servants to the wise, but tyrants over the 
 soul of the fool : Gold is often most abundant with the 
 least worthy of mankind, it increases their infirmities, 
 inflames and inflates the passions, and not unusually 
 causes an aberration of reason. What a misfortune 
 would it not prove to society and how much to be de- 
 plored should the misers life be of long duration, his 
 death at any period is not to be regretted, because it 
 distributes those worldly goods which he tenaciously 
 neither enjoys himself nor will allow others to benefit 
 by. Death releases him frou his miseries, from the 
 prison of his own thoughts and anxieties. 
 
 " Like Euclio, who (devised all but his manor,) cried 
 Not that — I cannot part with that — and died." 
 Tis strange the miser should his cares employ, 
 To gain those riches he can ne'er enjoy. 
 
 The legitimate pursuit of an object in view is de_
 
 25 
 
 lightf'ul to an ardent mind, the attainment may not 
 invariably answer the expectation, because in that case 
 there Avould be an end of further pursuits, yet the ac- 
 quirement of one object induces a zealous attempt at a 
 fresh one. Excessive fervour of mind melts into 
 feminine softness, after an ebulition of the passions, 
 extraordinary exertions subside into sudden debility 
 and relaxation. Overvv^eening fondness will degenerate 
 into indifference or dotage. The golden medium, the 
 equable mood and condition in all cases and under 
 every circumstance form the desiderata of human life. 
 
 Oh ! blest with temper, whose unclouded ray 
 Can make to-morrow cheerful as to day. 
 
 The liberty of the press is proverbially the birthright 
 of Britons, it has also proved the burial right tfo her 
 gallant naval defenders who are impressed in the ser- 
 vice of their country. 
 
 Real evils deliver us when they arrive from the 
 minor annoyance of aggravated imaginary trouble? 
 arising from suspense and incertitude, or through caprice 
 and spleen. 
 
 "Where ignorance is bliss 'tis iblly to be wise," 
 says Pope. This negative antithesis is not positive 
 truth, nor absolute wisdom. Ignorance may possess a 
 comparative state of bliss or contentment, yet is not 
 prohibitory of improvement in knowledge or virtue. 
 A wise, or rather a sensible man may act foolishly, yet 
 not experience satisfaction during his departure I'rom 
 
 d2
 
 26 
 
 his accustomed prudence. Ignorance is certainly the 
 state of nature, and oftentimes proves beneficial when it 
 conceals from and exempts us from many evils we might 
 encounter in life. No doubt the ignorant enjoy more 
 bliss in the avoidance or absence of sorrow than in the 
 infliction thereof ; yet in neither condition can we cal- 
 culate on bliss, for even the wisest, as they advance in 
 human science, find themselves in error, and confess 
 their impotency and insufficiency. 
 
 Some arc ruined by purchasing luxuries which they 
 fancy tlicy want, not by buying what they really have 
 occasion for. It is not advisable to go from home in 
 search of wants, they will come to you quick enough. 
 He who buys what he does not require, will soon re- 
 quire what he cannot then purchase. We are too apt 
 to covet what we admire, and desire to possess what- 
 ever may gratify the eye or allure the senses. 
 
 He who gives costly entertainments, which he can 
 but ill afford, pays extravagantly for being laughed at, 
 and should he be ever reduced to require a humble meal 
 from any of his quondam guests, his fair weather friends, 
 let him be prepared for a sardonic repulse. I know 
 not the man ; or for a cold reception evidently testify- 
 ing a desire never to see you again whilst clouds or 
 storms obscure your horizon. 
 
 Dispatch is the mark of a strong mind. Hurry and 
 bustle of a weak undecided one. The latter may be 
 compared to a squirrel in a cage labouring perpetually
 
 27 
 
 to no purpose, in constant whirl witliout making any 
 advance. Such a character talks much, says nothing 
 to the purpose, looks very sharp into many things, but 
 actually sees into notliing. lie has many irons in the 
 fire, some get cool, others burn his fingers. He loses 
 lialf the day doing and undoing, deciding and undeci- 
 ding. The man ol' dispatch when he commences has 
 accomplished a great portion of what he undertakes, 
 and may apply to liimsell" with equal propriety, as 
 Julius Cfcsar wrote, " Voni, Vidi, Vinci." 
 
 <J AMINO. 
 
 Excel in music, dance, or song ; don't play. 
 Rather than throw the dice, throw them away. 
 
 But should you be unfortunately introduced to Pan- 
 demonium, and be induced to hazard a very improbable 
 success, observe and ascertain that your dice be not 
 loaded or cogged. They have often caused a pistol to 
 be loaded for self-destruction, and have driven many 
 into exile mcog, and thence to ruin and perdition, 
 deeper and deeper still. Beware of foul play, unless 
 with a roasted indict and trimmings, which you will 
 find more palatable than being trimmed at cards, or 
 rattled into beggary and despair by spotted ivories 
 thrown from a villian's hand, A gambler possesses two 
 o'i the cardinal virtues, Faith and Hope (in their own 
 wiles and schemes), but rather deficient in Charity, he 
 is nullum bonum wo fear. Ennui disposes some to play 
 
 D o
 
 28 
 
 as a refuge, a sort of mental dram to drown care, which 
 satisfies for the moment, but, like other ardent stimuli, 
 leaves debility. Ennui causes more gamblers than 
 avarice, more drunkards than sheer love for wine, and 
 more suicides than any other frenzied dmbolical excite- 
 ment. The late Marquis of H. was very successful in 
 gaming and cheating the unwary pigeons, had become 
 wealthy from the ruin of many a worthy youth of good 
 family. He was a debauche, and should his satanic 
 majesty have assisted him in his sad career, he will 
 have no means of requiting his obligations, because all 
 his ill-acquired riches are left behind, and the devil 
 despises gold. Naked came his Grace into the world, 
 and naked must he return. Sans titre, sans argent. 
 
 Money, like manure, is ineffectual till it is spread ; 
 there is no real use in riches except in the distribution, 
 the rest is all conceit. A wise man will desire no more 
 than what he may earn justly, use discreetly, distribute 
 cheerfully, and live upon contentedly in moderation. 
 Such as arc discontented with a limited supply, or 
 small income, deserve no pity should it descend to 
 others of a less ungrateful mood. To be dissatisfied 
 ■without cause may bring real cause and occasion for 
 this morbid ingredient of the mind. 
 
 The pleasures of the mind when directed to intellec- 
 tual pursuits and acquirements never cloy, unlike the 
 sensual indulgoncies, but they incre^.se by repetition, 
 are approved l>y reflection, strengthened by enjoyment, 
 confirmed and cherished by old age and self esteem. 
 Le beau renomimc vaut mieux que rcnceinte dore.
 
 29 
 
 Fortune is reprcscnteJ as blind, because she dispenses 
 licr favors indiscriminately on fools and knaves. But 
 is she not kind to help those who canncjt help them- 
 selves ? Our own exertions virtuoush/ employed will 
 generally produce good fortune or success. Large 
 fortunes, aa they are termed, are often accumulated by 
 tortuous process, by unscrupulous dealings with our 
 poorer brethren in trade. 
 
 My dear native land, England ! with all thy faults I 
 love thee still, and better still than any foreign clime, 
 
 " Where'er I roam, \vliatever realms 1 sec, 
 My heart imtraveU'd Ibncliy turns to thee." 
 
 How many migrate to foreign parts to fly from them- 
 selves ; ride and sail in quest of fresh stores of gratifi- 
 cation for the nonce to dissipate ennui, and expend 
 abroad what might be bestowed at home where they have 
 derived the means. Some i-cturn with heads as empty 
 as their purses. Their native land is not preferred by 
 such emigrants. Absenteeism should be taxed, because 
 it occasions increased imposts in England. Our 
 country is ever inflicted with the civil strife of party 
 zeal, and the lust of power and wealth. We are para- 
 mount in commerce and arts, refined in luxury and 
 indulgence to the very climax, to which the industrious 
 classes aspire to attain, and fuiling too often experience re- 
 verses and indigence which they might escape otherwise. 
 
 Pride is the order of tlie day, the disordcT of our 
 nature ; yet the self-pride of dignified honor and con- 
 scious rectitude is unobjectionable. The pride of the
 
 30 
 
 eye, the selt-love and importance of such as may be 
 elevated by adventitious circumstances, render them 
 sensitively sore, impatient for flattery or homage ; ex- 
 posed also to the neglect or contempt of all who may 
 not be temporarily dependent on them. This quality 
 of hauteur is characteristic of some nations, who how- 
 ever cherish and possess some redeeming qualities, 
 they arc brave, gallant, and honorable. Their valour 
 would sit more easy on them without so much starch, 
 buckram, or tight lacing. A proud haughty character 
 cannot be comfortable in the absence of servility or 
 homage. When alone and reflective he should ask 
 himself whether he is not insane or imbecile for playing 
 the fool or the hypocrite before the world. For he 
 must change his parts on the stage of society, must 
 condescend to bend to his superiors, from whom he may 
 expect in return contempt or ridicule. His equals will 
 treat his loftiness with indifference and nonchalance. 
 So long as interest leads his inferiors they will give 
 him suit and service with formal deference, insincerity, 
 and ill grace. A proud man, as one who walks on 
 stilts, appears paramount, aloft and aloof from the 
 world, and peering over the heads of such as look up 
 to him. He sets a high value on his own dear self, 
 but he is low in the tariff of the market, at a heavy 
 discount, when duly appreciated by independent arbi- 
 ters. " I am Sir Oracle, when I 'ope my mouth let no 
 dogs bark !" 
 
 The bad as well as the good kings of the earth are 
 exalted /«r above the grade of human kind in artificial
 
 supremacy. The afflicted and impoverished members 
 of society are in reality debased in the Itnvcst degree. 
 D'^ath alone restores the cquitbrmity, and is the pre- 
 cursor to a more eventl'ul change, when these may be 
 raised to life immortal ; those once orowned in regal 
 pomp and pride now prostrate to the king of kings 
 before his dread tribunal. Good kings have been rare 
 by rcai5on of the paucity of virtuouri ministers. "Take 
 away the wicked I'rom before the king and his throne 
 shall cnduife." 
 
 Louis XIV. of France, le grand (gourmand) was a 
 hardened sinner, a scourge to the human race. Ilis 
 twenty years war cost nearly a million of his subjects, 
 slaughtered to ambition ! I Ic and the wretched minions 
 of his court, by the revocation of the edict of Nantz, 
 banished and destroyed four hundred thousand reformed 
 Huguenots, his subjects, to please his brother bigot of 
 Spain. His sycophants and flatterers almost deified 
 the despot ; lie was Lcgrand IMonarche tout puissant. 
 Would it had pleased heaven to select him as the only 
 victim to his pestiferous ambition and thirst for blood. 
 
 The climax of imperial turpitude ha;3 been personated 
 in the dynasty of Buonaparte, who from his early youth 
 elicited instances of a base depraved heart. His career 
 in after life affords no traits of a mitigating redeeming 
 nature. Ambition, rapacity, robbery, and wrong, 
 tracked his malignant paths which led to general con- 
 fusion. The vices of his country and the onslaughts of 
 its enemies offer the only excuse, the sole apology, for 
 his Satanic conduct. The detention of English visitors 
 resident in France during and after the treaty of
 
 32 
 
 Amiens excludes the dethroned Emperor from any 
 other feeling towards him but that of execration. I 
 venture to say with Laertes' sister, " There's rue for 
 you." 
 
 The Amphitron transport, lost on the French coast, 
 31st August, 1833, when 150 unfortunate young 
 females perished in the sea grave. The shrieks and 
 terrors of these unhappy victims of the storm have 
 ceased, their sorrows and despair are whelmed in the 
 great deep. The unrelenting waves have closed the tragic 
 scene, and we trust have obliterated their errors, and 
 propitiated a just a beneficent creator. He, who evokes 
 the storm and calms the elemental tempest, can alone in 
 his good time give succour. Ye opulent and powerful 
 reflect and be grateful that no wants or privations need 
 urge or tempt to such misdeeds as have driven these 
 young deserted creatures to ignominious exile, to a 
 premature sea death. Dl starred bygone mortals ! on 
 that piteous night was no arm raised to succour. Ho 
 soothing voice respondent to your cries and prayers, 
 save the screaming of the sea bird, the roaring winds, 
 and moaning billows, consigning ye naked and beaute- 
 ous even in death, to a foreign shore. Ye are not lost 
 for ever we trust. The angel of omnipotence may have 
 snatched you from a wearied existence; points to a 
 boundless sky where brighter worlds are seen, bids ye 
 be of good cheer, and weep no more. 
 
 Ye lost sad victims of distress adieu, 
 
 Your toils and pains and dangers arc no more.
 
 33 
 
 The tempest now may howl unheard by you, 
 While ocean smites in vain the trembhng shore. 
 Vet shall retacmbrancc from oblivion's veil 
 Relieve the scene and sigh with griet sincere, 
 And soft compassion at your tragic talc 
 In silent tribute pay her kindred tear. 
 
 •■ While hope expires, and peril and dismay 
 Wave their black ensigns on the wafry way." 
 
 CHARITY. 
 
 Charity begins at home (where she should reign, but 
 not remain,) this familiar adage is often quoted proba- 
 bly when an apology is y«?quired for selfishness. Let 
 her commence the benevolent work in her ain house, 
 but not stay at liome, in morbid locality she should 
 travel, make domiciliary visits to the cottage of the in- 
 digent, the bedside of sorroAv and sickness. Can she 
 endure the pangs of sulTcring and afflicted mortals ? 
 Charity can soothe the departing hours of a brother or 
 sister of mortality accompany their fervent dying aspi- 
 rations to heaven and jointly partake its blessed conso- 
 lations. When the hoary head lifts uj) his feeble eye 
 for pity, can we, who perhaps indulge in superfluous 
 luxuries, feel reckless of his wants or sufferings ? 
 Charity may cover a multitude of sins ; yet we dare 
 not repeat them in the Ibnd hope that the exercise of 
 benevolence (which i? a duty) can veil or obtain our 
 ;abPolution, cr immunity lor trespass. This excellent 
 attribute of chnrity should never tire in pursuing the
 
 34 
 
 even tenor of ite way, going about to do good and pre- 
 vent evil. Like the quality of mercy it droppeth as 
 the gentle dew from heaven upon the place beneath, it 
 ia twice blest ; it blesseth him that gives, and him that 
 takes: and irradiates with kind beneficence (as the 
 ' glorious orb of day) all objects within the sphere of its 
 benign influence and searching eye. 
 
 " Fairest and foremost of the train that wait, 
 On man's most dignified and happy state : 
 Whether we name thee charity or love, 
 Chief grace below, and all in all above," 
 *' God working ever on a social plan, 
 By various ties attaches man to man, 
 Ah ! little think the gay licentious proud, 
 Whom pleasure power and affluence surround, 
 How many feel tliis very moment death, 
 And all the sad variety of pain." 
 
 Charity is quite at home in our dear country, I hope 
 to escape the charge of national vanity or egotism, 
 when exulting over the numerous public institutions 
 scattered throughout the land, hospitals schools alms- 
 houses offer gratuitous succour in every quarter, all 
 open as the day for melting charity and compassion. To 
 the founders and benefactors, all honor praise and 
 esteem are due ! Such deeds are recorded in imperish« 
 able characters on the tablets which saith " Forasmuch 
 as you have done this unto one of your fellow - 
 creatures, ye have done it unto lue." Rome in the 
 pinnacle of ficr glory and relincmcnt, [)0ssessed none of 
 these laudable establishments, nor places of refuge or 
 relief for the destitute or sick poor citizens : arts and arol.s
 
 35 
 
 were alone in the ascendant, and by corruption luxury 
 and war, she fell like lucifer never to rise again. Yet the 
 {)3eudo called eternal city has reared its head, crowned 
 in pontificial supremacy, in empiric sway, which may 
 ere long dissolve and leave not a wrack of clrimera be- 
 hind ! Charity at some early period may be absorbed 
 in love, Hope in bliss, and Faith in glorious certainty, 
 de facto love to God and man is the Avarp and woof of 
 the christians new vesture without a seam. 
 
 " Order is heaven's first law, and this confest. 
 Some are and must be wiser than the rest : 
 More rich, more wise, but to infer from hence. 
 That such are happier, shocks all common sense." 
 
 The various ascending and descending series of rank 
 in society are wisely ordained, are essential to each 
 member and form an harmonious whole ; the highest 
 order is dependent on the lowest and vice versa, the 
 middle classes derive advantages from both ; were each 
 in their several stations to act conscientiously and keep 
 themselves unspotted from the world : Moore's Utopia 
 would be realized, millenium would be anticipated. 
 
 " All crimes would cease, and ancient fraud would fail, 
 Returning justice, Uft aloft lier scale," 
 
 But the highly favoured classes have not attained this 
 state of blessedness ; richer but not wiser or better than 
 their generation. The intermediate order also press 
 forward in the emulating display of luxuries which ai'e 
 deemed necessaries, superfluities are then considered 
 
 £
 
 36 
 
 essentials: Many a worthy tradesfolk vies with his 
 neighbour in the sumptuousness of his boutique or 
 magazin de mode, for which he expects remuneration 
 from his customers, to recompense his builder. They 
 must also assume the dress and address of the beau- 
 monde : equipages, villas, and hospitality, swell their 
 vanity and yearly bills : Alas experience is disregarded 
 until the punishment of our folly overtakes us, perhaps 
 unprepared to encounter and satisfy the creditors de- 
 mands. The humble mechanic and artizan is allured to 
 take libations in gin poison temples for which he ac- 
 counts in purse, and constitution : thousands have 
 disclaimed and forsaken this vice, thus tendering a 
 noble instance of self-denial and forbearance, to those 
 who should set the first and best example ; I mean their 
 superiors in station. The exalted position of la Creme 
 du Bongenre is commanding, and will ever insure 
 respect and subordination when exercised in patronage 
 and gracious deportment of manners. Some there are 
 not quite unexceptionable ; those scions of nobility who 
 graft on fair nymphs de danse, de theatre, &c., who lose 
 their patrimony and character in motley and low indul- 
 gencies, gaming, intrigues, amours, and a catalogue of 
 follies and egaremens. 
 
 The frog emulating the size of the ox, and puffed up 
 with envy, burst his cerements. Mr John Bull is oft 
 so far expanded with pride, inflated with luxury and 
 repletion, that it may be his turn to experience the 
 same re.sult. Very many members of the Bull family 
 manifest puffing to an ordinate degree; hence ihey are 
 vulgarly termed " SAvells," or enfles.
 
 37 
 
 Analogy appears to be a powerful weapon iu the 
 hands of the materialists, who seems disposed to doubt 
 the immortality of the soul. Scepticism derives its 
 false position from premises which yield wrong infer- 
 ences. Reason echoes the truth of revelation, and 
 confirms our faith. But even should the doubt of 
 futurity involve the denial, all that is endearing in 
 society will be lost in the comparative insignificance of 
 the present state. These effects are visible in the not 
 unfrequent misconduct of social depravity and self in- 
 dulgence, under the desperate delusion of impunity or 
 irresponsibility. What we will not believe to-day, we 
 may be compeHed to have faith in to-morrow, the very 
 hour perliaps of our mortal departure from the land. 
 Some anatomists (we read) doubt in the existence of 
 the soul, because they cannot transfix it on the knife. 
 Yet the moment they begin to doubt the existence of 
 mind the very act of doubting proves it. They affirm 
 that the mind is intimately connected with the body, 
 that botli are inseparably identified. Yot it happens 
 that we often see the body survive the mind in one 
 man, and the mind outlive the body in another. Para- 
 lysis will enervate some to debility, without any corres- 
 ponding weakness of the mind, which if it be material 
 why can we not feel or see it ? But the brain, even 
 the pineal gland, has been injured by disease without 
 affecting the patient with alienation of mind. The 
 faculties of thought cannot be identical parts of the 
 body, but are immaterial and distinct. If it were ad- 
 mitted that mind is corporeal, what has death to do 
 with its annihilation ? Death has no such power over 
 
 £2
 
 38 
 
 matter. If the wondrous microcosm man, with all his 
 powers and faculties, were fitted out for destruction 
 only, who would be reconciled to the perils of life's 
 voyage. The future state is fervently aspired to by all 
 of an intellectual nature. Such as are sensual may 
 fancy the creed of the materialist more consonant to 
 their suicidal practice and feelings. But the connec- 
 tion of the mind with the Almighty Being who created 
 us ; the divinity that stirs within us, points outs an 
 hereafter, and intimates eternity to man. In consider- 
 ing such sublime subjects, the soul expands as if 
 shaking off its terrestrial state and returning to its 
 source. An internal silent evidence of immortality. 
 Let us spurn those desolating doctrines which rob 
 affliction of its last consolation, which remove the 
 bridle from the passions of the powerful and wealthy, 
 drives from the bottom of the heart all remorse for 
 crime, banishes all hope from virtue. In our adoration 
 of the supreme being we shall in a breath destroy these 
 phantoms of false reasoning, which will fly like sha- 
 dows before immutable truth. Gloria in excelsis deo. 
 
 He who is good will infallibly grow better ; and such 
 as are evil will degenerate and grow worse. Neither 
 virtue or vice stand still. 
 
 Such as affect singularity successfully should first 
 determine to be virtuous, and they will too often be 
 singular. Virtue being in a minority although a 
 general favourite.
 
 39 
 
 Few pity the misfortunes of others. Tliousands 
 envy and hate them in success unless they are allowed 
 to participate. 
 
 " One fool makes many," was retorted on an uxorious 
 loquacious didapper, when he quoted the number of his 
 offspring at his convivial club, boasting he had as many 
 children as he could count his digits to both hands, 
 which was considered by the calculating members of 
 the fraternity as ten to one. 
 
 Hoping the babes would emulate their sire, 
 Though he would never set the Thames on fire. 
 
 Folly is no doubt contagious, and finds many 
 imitators in all classes, especially where prudence is 
 out of reach to check the vanity of ostentatious ruinous 
 display. The dupes of charlatans and imposters may 
 be ranked with the weak and credulous, who persuade 
 others to be imposed upon as they have submitted to 
 its cheats themselves. Dr. Brodum practised every 
 manoeuvre and chicane to vend his nostrums, and 
 boasted that he was indebted to the class of simple 
 folks for his success, to those having more money than 
 wit ; or intellects Ijelow par. 
 
 Dr. M n, the late hygeist or hei'balist, has inun- 
 dated the public with his drastic pills, giving temporary 
 relief, but sinking the powers of the system, and oft 
 re»iiuiring a subsequent different treatment as a counter 
 irritation, should the patients survive those dispensing 
 •runibs of gamboge, aloes, wild cucumber, &c. &c., by 
 
 e3
 
 40 
 
 which they are expedited on their journey to their last 
 home at railroad pace. 
 
 Mr. C — e, of New Ormond Street, is an extensive 
 dealer in antibilious pills. His studio and laboratory 
 is the cockloit, or garret. I have ventured on that 
 account to call him cockletop. These empirics incur 
 little expence, except for advertisements, for which the 
 unwary and gullible are taxed, their stock-in-trade 
 being intrinsically worth nothing. Cockle puffs his 
 pills in the papers daily, and gives extract lines from 
 Horace. The devil can quote scripture for his purpose. 
 
 Yet Cockle in his cockle shell 
 Thrives, and is doing very well. 
 
 Universities carry on their debates by syllogisms and 
 logical argument. States and communities manage and 
 adjust disputes by levies of troops which pretend to 
 carry conviction by dint of sword and gun. Vi et 
 armis. Torture was resorted to in the darker ages with 
 stripes, fire, and faggot, by way of refinement on bar- 
 barity and folly. 
 
 In all ages reasoning with ready money seldom fails ; 
 bribing a man's opinion succeeds when all other per- 
 suasives do not move. Arguments from the mint 
 furnisli.golden opinions, remove all doubts or scruples, 
 bends the obstinate, silences the loud and clamorous. 
 This influential metal in hand, well and truly paid, at 
 times neutralizes patriotism, love of country, vows and 
 protestations in favor of reform or amelioration of 
 public grievances. By this talismanic touch the whole
 
 41 
 
 code ol' rariocination is transformed to expediency or 
 self interest, when champions for their country's rights 
 and vantages too often rat to the safest sinister side to 
 pick up crumbs that may fall, loaves, fishes, and 
 any creature comforts of place or pension which may 
 dazzle their weak sight, their vascillating or corrupt 
 principles. Such rats should wear the decoration of a 
 chain or collar round the neck to denote their order and 
 apostacy, their mountebank politics, who, camelion-like, 
 vary their colours ; like Proteus, change to any shape, 
 now as an angel's form, then an ape. 
 
 The material part of creation is a fit subject for con- 
 templation, the system of bodies into whicli nature has 
 wrought the mass of dead matter, the shell of the uni- 
 verse, the world of life, its inhabitants, every part of 
 matter, every green leaf swarms. The microscope dis- 
 covers myriads. The surface of animals is covered 
 with others. Seas, lakes, and rivers also teem with 
 numberless living creatures. Mountains, marshes, 
 wilderness, and woods are stocked with birds and 
 beasts, with necessaries and conveniences for the sus- 
 tenance of the multitudes which inhabit them. From 
 the analogy of reason it seems probable that no part of 
 matter of nature's creation lies dormant or useless. 
 The planets, are they not peopled with beings adapted 
 to their respective situations. Infinite goodness seems 
 to delight in conferring existence upon every degree of 
 perceptive beings. By a gradual progress the world of 
 life appears to advance through a great variety of 
 species before a creature is formed complete in all its 
 senses. The instinct or cunning rising one above
 
 42 
 
 another, according to their relative nature and require- 
 ments. The whole chasm, from a plant to a man, is 
 filled up with divers kinds of creatures, rising by gentle 
 ascent. An inference (from this goodness of the Su- 
 preme Being) may be deduced that as the scale of 
 beings from the lowest rises so high as man, we may 
 hy parity of reason conclude that it proceeds gradually 
 through those beings of a superior nature to Him the 
 Eternal ! since a far greater space or void exists be- 
 tween God and man, than between man and the most 
 insignificant insect. And this idea may be granted as 
 suitable to the magnificent harmony of the universe 
 and the design of the great architect. Man is the link 
 in the chain of beings " nexus utriusque mundi." And 
 whilst he may look upon a being of infinite perfection 
 as liis father, in another respect may say to corruption, 
 " Thou art my father," and to the worm " Thou art my 
 sister and mother." Death is the en,d of life to the 
 wicked, the beginning of that state to the just, we opine. 
 
 '* One thing is certain, when this hie is o'er, 
 Man dies to live, and lives to dies no more." 
 The mortal span in worldly trials past, 
 Preclusive to the life which ever lasts. 
 
 Half the business of life is occupied in prevention 
 and counteraction of evil, in providing remedies and 
 antidotes for troubles, disasters, and sickness. One 
 great evil generates a host of minor ones ; thus they 
 never come alone, as the old proverb recites, ce'st le 
 premier pas qui coute. Should the first step be dexter 
 and dextrous, sinister results may be prevented.
 
 43 
 
 " A time there was, 'ere England's griefs began. 
 
 When ev'ry rood of ground maintained its man ; 
 
 For him light labour spread her wholesome store, 
 
 Just gave what life requires, but gave no more. 
 
 But times arc alter'd, trades unfeeling train 
 
 Usurp tlie land and dispossess the swain. 
 
 Along the lawn where scatter'd hamlets rose, 
 
 Unwieldly wealth and cumbrous pomp repose, 
 And every want to luxury allied, 
 And every pang that folly pays to pride." 
 
 Goldsmith's oracular version of his own times has 
 not undergone much change, nor is it much over- 
 charged in comparison with the passing events of the 
 present day. 
 
 The able political statistical strictures on the Bread 
 Corn Bill contain such able discussion as to leave little 
 room for hazarding adverse opinions. It is presumed 
 that barter of corn, and timber, &c., for goods should be 
 established in lieu of speculative orders at abrupt and 
 uncertain intervals. When our harvests fails, the 
 monetary system is convulsed ; gold is sent out of the 
 country instead of our manufactured goods. One fact 
 is too apparent, the protecting price for the landlord is 
 much too high for bread eaters, whose scanty means 
 allow them inadequate resources to purchase other ne- 
 cessaries of life. 
 
 We may here revert to the period when the Corn 
 Bill was passed in I8I0, and the excitement of the 
 public, who made an attack on the house of Lord Ripon, 
 then Mr Robinson, in Palace Yard. The soldiery 
 saved the premises and perhaps the inmates from de- 
 struction ; one of the insurgents was shot. The
 
 44 
 
 obnoxious bill iniglit have been repealed, for since that 
 period it appears incoiitestible that the population of 
 the nation have sustained a heavy calamity by the 
 unjust impost on the staple article of man's subsistence, 
 the staff of life. 
 
 A retrospect still further back may be viewed of the 
 sad calamities of our Gallic neighbours, which may 
 date their origin from several besetting ills, the causes 
 of many national disasters, viz., the failure of the na- 
 tional finances, public debt, individual poverty, the 
 highly taxed bread, the gabelle or salt tax monopoly, 
 the exactions of the farmers general of the taxes, and 
 last, not least, the reckless levity of the court and 
 noblesse, accruing since the demoralizing reign of 
 Louis Quatorze, y'cleped legrand. Let us hope and 
 pray that no similar causes may ever occur in any 
 other nation to excite apprehension and dread of similar 
 results. 
 
 " Give us this day our daily bread, 
 
 All else beneath the sun, 
 
 Thou know'st if best bestowed or not, 
 
 And let thy ^vill be done." 
 
 Providence is ever unicersally bountiful and bene- 
 ficent to all. Man restricts, curtails his distribution of 
 its choicest gifts to the few, yet we may observe fre- 
 quent charity and benevolence around. We ai'e told, 
 and I believe the tale, that mortgages and expensive 
 domestic establishments occasion maximum prices, so 
 as to interdict importation of wheat from foreign ports 
 at moderate rates, mutually beneficial ; that the aver- 
 ages quoted are fallacious, and the market sales ficti'
 
 45 
 
 tlous and fraudulent. The farmers rents and the cost 
 of bread are consequently enhanced in an extravagant 
 ratio for the squirearchy landholders. The manufac- 
 turer is said to be injured through the restrictions on 
 the transit and interchange of manufactured goods with 
 foreigners. The late Mr. Deacon Hume, whom I well 
 knew at the Custom House, has asserted that one 
 hundred millions per annum is the amount of tax on 
 the nation through the ill arranged commercial tarifi' 
 restrictions, which according to the population census 
 of twenty-five millions constitutes a tax of £4 per 
 head, including old men and infants, throughout the 
 united kingdom. Taxation, direct and indirect, is 
 about one hundred and fifty millions per year. 
 
 Luxui-y may be necessary to employ and give bread to 
 the poor, but without luxury extreme poverty would be 
 more rare. Luxury supports a state even as the sculptured 
 figures of the Caryatides appear to support a palace 
 which they decorate. It should have its limits ; it is 
 beneficial in moderation. If a retinue of fifty powdered 
 lacqueys are not considered voluptuous, one asks why 
 a hundred should not be retained. If superb silver 
 plateux are indispensible, why are they not of gold. 
 He who builds a lofty costly tower, why not raise it to 
 the skies, like the monuments of folly to Belus in Ba- 
 bylon, and by Beckford of Fonthill. 
 
 Rosseau I believe has said, " I defy any one of sense 
 to contemplate one hour in a princely palace during its 
 -plendour, without feeling a melancholy reflexion on 
 the condition of humanity." Ancient governments
 
 46 
 
 etiected more by parsimony, than modern ones with all 
 their treasures. Luxury under restrictions when con- 
 tined to one class of society is rather beneficial, but 
 when it infects the middling industrious orders, effemi- 
 nacy and indulgence, incompatible with their station, 
 misdirects, and oft effects their ruin ; they become dis- 
 satisfied with mediocrity, which may be esteemed as 
 the very end and aim of bliss on earth : then the lower 
 orders assume a higher position emulating the external 
 position of their superiors, they aspire to the same 
 advantages, and their career is not unusually success- 
 full and durable : such parvenus exercise more caution 
 and thrift, than those who are born to the inheritance 
 of wealth, and ideas of independance, which are most 
 apt to neutralize those valuable qualities : two millions 
 per annum are exhausted to french marchandes de 
 modes ! 
 
 Hope and a contented mind is a continual feast : 
 whatever alloy or dissapointment may occur is but a 
 fleeting cloud, passing over the sunshine of the soul, 
 unnoticed, unheeded. 
 
 THEATRES. 
 
 Theatres when well conducted, constitute the delight 
 the charm, of a great portion of societ}' : they furnish 
 instruction, as well as amusement, to such as are zeal- 
 ous for the cultivation of the mind and manners of the
 
 47 
 
 outward and inner man : in the various personations 
 of character, truth must be embellished to be attractive, 
 she must adorn herself to fascinate the eye and ear, we 
 are not dissatisfied with a little improbability, burlesque, 
 or caricature, a la moliere, yet when too higlily season- 
 ed, the appetite of the mind loses its relish for simple 
 unadorned truth and loveliness, which are seen in many 
 of our refined elegant English comedies. Notwith- 
 standing the deserved applause earned by the managers 
 for classic erudite and splendid scenic displays : the 
 taste of the public has undergone a gradual change, it 
 has become more domesticated, less erratic from home 
 after the days close of employment in bodily or mental 
 application. 
 
 The employment of leisure hours ui families has be- 
 come more recherche than formerly : music, reading, 
 conversation and cards, have increased attractions. The 
 promiscuous indiscriminate mixture of the fair sex, 
 deters many parents from introducing daugliters to the 
 theatre, the constant, patronage of the public can alone 
 remunerate the managers for the excessive charges to 
 which they are subject, namely, the cost of the erection 
 of Covent Garden, and Drury Lane theatres, at a very 
 expensive period for building : insurances in lire 
 ofiices : enormous salaries to pertbrmers, some of whom 
 have received ten times tlie weekly pay of their more 
 skilful predecessors. The late Mr Keane, Hrew from 
 Drury Lane, France, .and America, more than 
 £160,000 1 because he drew good houses: tlie vapid 
 appetite of play-goers, for costly pageantry and show, 
 
 K
 
 48 
 
 has also conspired to impoverish tiieir treasury, and 
 left them poor indeed. 
 
 At the theatre in Berlin, no dress circles are pro- 
 vided, so as to distract the attention from the scenery, 
 to dress fine and stare at each other, neither a glare of 
 lights, they are subdued and managed to shed a dim 
 twilight, thus the attention is confined to the stage 
 operations. 
 
 Such as pay constant visits to theatres, must be 
 attracted by fashion, or driven by ennui, or a vacuity 
 of mind : domestic enjoyments are more simple and 
 natural : stage performances prepare youth for tender 
 sentiments, and the more delicately love is painted, the 
 stronger is the excitement : if represented coarsely, it 
 must be repellent : the ascendency of women over men 
 is ever depicted, and such as impose restraints on them 
 are shown up to ridicule : such as imbecile fathers, 
 guardians, &c., who are made the victims of intrigue, 
 laughed at, and often thrashed in the bargain : comedy 
 should pourtray the manners of the people, to correct 
 their foibles or vices, (veluti in speculum.) The more 
 agreeable and perfect the personation of the hero, or 
 heroine of the piece, the more pernicious is the effect 
 on the audience : who applaud cunning and fourberie, 
 more than the straightforward manners of an estimable 
 character less prominent. A Cataline is brought to 
 view, extorting applause for his talent and courage : 
 the sanguinary Sylla wept at the recital of cruelties, if 
 not perpretated by himself, the tyrant of Phire hid 
 himself in the theatre that he might not be seen to
 
 49 
 
 sigh with Andromache and Priam over the woes of 
 Troy and its race : but the wretch could hear without 
 any emotion the cries of the unfortunate undergoing 
 pain and death by his orders. 
 
 Had our indigenous English opera been patronized 
 with half the zeal which has been bestowed on the 
 Italian opera, Fop's alley, it would have far surpassed 
 it in excellence and attraction. Macready, the manager 
 at Drury Lane, with his classic skill in the production 
 of " Acis and Galatea," has far outshone in every par- 
 ticular the Italian drama. The audience were en- 
 chanted ; no careless chit chat was witnessed, nor the 
 languid raising of an eye glass, so intensely was their 
 admiration rivetted. The elegant simplicity of our 
 native performers, the debutante females speaking in 
 our own language, and giving utterance to English 
 melody which delights the ear and moves the heart, 
 would soon (if duly encouraged) acquire the ascendancy 
 over exotic extravagancies. Dialogue in recitative, 
 bravuras and buifas, divine Rubini, and the constella 
 of the cantatrices, prima donnas, &c., tearing a passion 
 to tatters in an unknown tongue. Why should not 
 this drama Romane be exclusively reserved for the 
 distingue ? who throw into the laps of foreign musi- 
 cians £150,000 per annum; who pay £15,000 every 
 year to foreign danseuses and male professors of 
 pirouette and toetalism ; £10,000 a year to French 
 cooks; are we not Sybarites in voluptuousness? 
 
 Peterkin was said to be as drunk as a Lord. I cun- 
 <ider this adage to be libellous on the noble order, 
 
 f2
 
 50 
 
 having frequently had the pleasure to indulge in repasts 
 at their own table and at public dinners, where on no 
 occasion have I observed a slip bacchanalian. A Lord 
 Mayor or Lord ot" the Manor may sometimes indulge in 
 poculum extremis. A Peer of the realm preserves the 
 dignity of his order and keeps the line, he walks 
 straight as becometh the straightforwardness of an up- 
 right man. The magnates of the land have rarely 
 been seen to finish a magnum of port wine individually 
 at a symposium. 
 
 Beverages are so adulterated as to ibrfeit their 
 original name, and may be called motley or deliteria. 
 
 W 's entire is commixed with tobacco juice, 
 
 quassi, molasses, copperas, and (last not least, in quantity 
 and virtues,) water. 
 
 It has been said of the late Michael Kelly, when he 
 sold wine in Pall Mall, that he compounded that article 
 and imported his music, whereas the latter should have 
 emanated from his own genius, the former from the 
 vintage of the foreigner. Thismaybeajeud'espritfrom 
 one of his friends, yet he was so unconscious of the 
 derangement of his affairs that in a journey to York 
 musical meeting he read his name in the Gazette, 
 
 " Great cry and little wool," as the Devil said when he 
 sheared the hogs. 
 
 One might presuppose that the above named per- 
 sonage, as a wool gatherer, would have known the 
 distinction between pig's bristles and tjie fleece of 
 lambs, and save himself the trouble of an unproductive 
 experiment on a porcus. His sable majesty is dragged
 
 ol 
 
 in upon all occasions. If he can perform these exploits 
 they must be effected by invisible agency (for one sel- 
 dom sees him). He may incline to try his hand to 
 shave whiskered dandies in the dark or by torch light, 
 to visit their redundant moustaches with a singe in- 
 stead of a razor. Secundem ai'tem. 
 
 One may, however, in seriousness supply a glossary 
 to this somewhat ambiguous text. That such as in- 
 dulge in extravagant hopes and expectations may often 
 experience mortification and disappointment as those 
 who expect to gather grapes from thorn bushes, or 
 attempt to convert shavings into deal boards, make 
 soup of sawdust, raise cucumbers from sunbeams, or 
 other futile hairbrained dreams or speculations. 
 
 Revenons a nos moutons. A poor rogue was lately 
 convicted of taking liberties with a pig's face which he 
 ogled and abducted from the market. Had he gone 
 the whole animal, or liog, and rode off on the back of 
 9, living grunter, porcellus, he might in that case have 
 saved his own bacon, and might pickle the other with 
 impunity as a barbacue, thus trotting on and passing 
 o/f as a gentle swineherd at the head of his tender 
 flock. Should any prying suspecting butcher from the 
 shambles challenge him in his flight, qui va la ? where 
 are you going ? his reply would be, my flock is behind, 
 not yet in sight, they are just turning a corner of a 
 street, I am turning a penny, and am merely taking 
 this fine porker to another market. 
 
 f3
 
 52 
 
 LAW AND LAWYERS; 
 
 Every man his own lawyer is a startling idiom ^ 
 leading to an enquiry, what mortal would (con amore) 
 cultivate the dull science of law, devote his faculties to 
 the studies of chicane, or wade through the mazes and 
 labyrinths of technical subtleties, unless to obtain a 
 suit or prevent a nonsuit. Meshes and cobwebs are 
 very ingenious and complex. See the lynx-eyed spider 
 stationed at the entrance of his dwelling (en sentinelle) 
 to entice, entrap, and destroy the unsuspecting fly who 
 becomes entangled in the snare. So is the simple 
 client devoured by a voracious attorney, who obliges 
 you with the breviate and compendium of sharp uncivil 
 practice in lieu of the civil code. The male spider 
 (not the lawman) is furnished with a small bladder like 
 a drum, the ticking noise of which (called the death- 
 watch by old nurses) is nothing more than the sound 
 he makes on this little apparatus to serenade and allure 
 his mistress to his arms or notice. 
 
 So doth the glow-worm kindle up his flame, 
 A3 in a pharos to invite his dame. 
 Should you for lobster fishes go to law, 
 Your only recompense wUl be a claw (eclat). 
 The lawyer oflers you what's quite as well, 
 To plaintiff and defendant each a shell. 
 The oyster, or the body of the fish. 
 Are prig'd from you to concoct him a dish. 
 
 This shellfish, or sel^^A, process is typified by the 
 two black cats who submitted the equitable division of
 
 51$ 
 
 a stolen cheese, share and sliare alike, to a monkey, 
 who in trimming and dividing it with a knife, in a 
 pair of scales, reduced the two portions to as many 
 crumbs, not enough to bait a trap for a mouse withal. 
 Hold, cried the malkins, (as he was slicing and pocket- 
 ing the scraps) " We are satisfied." Aye, quoth the 
 ape, but justice is not. The suitors feline dropped 
 their tails and sneaked out of court. 
 
 So have I seen in London Courts of Law 
 The beaten plaintiff drop his nether jaw. 
 At Westminster they thrive on fools like you, 
 'Twas a fat oyster. Live in peace. Adieu. 
 
 I am here desirous to offer my due meed of respect 
 to the class of attorneys practising in the higher walks 
 of their profession, holding little communion with the 
 triumviri of common lawyer, bailiff, and loan dealers, 
 three plague spots of society, itself not spotless. In 
 civil jurisprudence so much attention is devoted to law 
 that justice is forgotten ; now and then the appellant is 
 ruined by recovering his rights. Pleaders are oft 
 indiscriminnfe defenders of right and wrons. The civil 
 code resembles a huge Jergonnaut, crushing its follow- 
 ers ; difficult to be improved because its vtdue to the 
 practitioners is enhanced in proportion to its complica- 
 tion, to whom it yields most profit when most expen- 
 sive and valueless to suitors, who disburse bank notes 
 and hours of anxiety in exchange for technical jargon 
 and dry parchment calegraphy, conveying poor infcK-- 
 mation to the parties thus legally ruined. 
 
 Let big wigs and the law remain alone. 
 
 Ask them for bread, they give a stone or bone.
 
 54 
 
 The High Court of Chancery is a picture of expen- 
 sive slothfulness fitly to be compared to the obsolete 
 Star Chamber, or the Spanish Tribunal of Inquisition 
 in its desolating consequences to the victims, the 
 suitors, should they survive the delays in process and 
 progress will be all alive to see their cash and patience 
 exhausted. The lav)s delay wiU not put off" the rapa- 
 city of taking costs and fees. 
 
 Some attorneys even have pronounced and denounced 
 this court as a " national nuisance, the country's curse." 
 
 We read of some limb of the law who bequeathed 
 his money to a lunatic asylum, stating in his will that 
 " he had obtained it chiefly from fools and madmen," 
 and such were his legatees. 
 
 Mr Bolt, a wharfinger in Thames Street, was ever 
 entangled in law suits, and in court even the barristers 
 considered him a very litigious character, and that his 
 bolt was overshot. Erskine, who was his counsel, 
 rebutted this charge on his client, affirming he 
 was so unimpeachable and impeccable, that his friends 
 hailed him as " Bolt upright" in his cognomen. 
 
 The late Mr. Pitt considered a law suit a luxury, 
 and held that it ought to be taxed. Westminster Hall, 
 he said was as open to any man as the London Tavern. 
 What a fallacy ! He who would be so bold to enter 
 either without cash would meet with a scurvy reception, 
 and be kicked or drummed out if he could not pay the 
 piper, or stump up for his wittels as they say at 
 college. 
 
 Some upright attorneys screw their consciences to 
 professional arts, consider right and wrong irrespective
 
 55 
 
 of their briefs, and must do his best for his client how- 
 ever bad the case. This catechism is very accommo- 
 dating which imposes no paramount duties except to 
 ourselves, the creed is not inconvenient should no 
 future account be required of us on the day of reckon- 
 ing. We are slow in comprehending how barristers 
 can plead the cause of a scoundrel in a flagrant case of 
 seduction, and how a dirty fee can warrant their cross- 
 examination of an injured deserted female with wanton 
 unmanly insult, bruising the broken reed, as if she were 
 as devoid of shame as they appear to be of humanity 
 and decency. This is acting a cowardly part for whicli 
 society should inflict punishment on such practitioners, 
 who palter with us in a double sense, ambiguous and 
 ambidextrous. Attorneys take special care not to un- 
 dertake a cause without effects ; so philosophers assert 
 there cannot exist any effects without causes. 
 
 At Worcester lately an action was brought by Miss 
 
 P 1 against Mr. P n, a chain manufacturer, 
 
 (who however disdained to wear a marital chain) 
 although he had seduced and promised the young lady 
 marriage, he deserted her after having perpetrated 
 brutal violence. Yet was she, and a young beautiful 
 sister, dragged into a public court, cross-examined by 
 a smirking barrister to elicit her innocence and confirm 
 liis (P — n's) villainy (which should have been evinced 
 ill private examination). He was cast in five hundred 
 pounds damages, and deserved to have been also cast 
 into a prison. His victim by mitigating the charge 
 against him certainly saved him from a more ignominous 
 punishment.
 
 56 
 
 *Tis the first virtue vices to abhor, 
 And the first wisdom to be fool no more. 
 
 In the case of a foreigner, S — e, valet, and pander 
 
 procurant to the late Marquis of H d, he was tried 
 
 for an alleged robbery, in August, 1842, and acquitted ; 
 afterwards arrested for debt by the executors of the 
 
 noble defunct. Mr. T r, a barrister, described him 
 
 as a faithful servant and a good man. The Judge, 
 Lord A — ■■ — r, during this disgusting trial, followed in 
 the same strain of eulogy ; instead of stigmatizing such 
 an expose of infamy, said he had been an " invaluable 
 servant, an excellent man." A less distinguished pro- 
 fligate would have fared differently. Public decency 
 and morals are outraged by such judicial demonstrations 
 in extenuation of premeditated crime. Those who are 
 appointed as guardians of public interests are unpar- 
 donable in justifying vice and libertinism practised by 
 rich or titled sinners. The ruling passions of the said 
 noble Marquis were strong in death, judging from the 
 misem|)loyment of his last mortal hours one would infer 
 he died impenitent. Biography will doubtless give a 
 more faithful version of hfs late life than can be 
 gathered from the venal disciples of the forencii in 
 courts of justice. Peace to his manes. 
 
 One looks in vain for private virtue in some of the 
 ranks of the coryphae, and for public virtue we find 
 illustrious instances. The bright exceptions are grati- 
 fying to hear and read of, both from their rarity, Avhich 
 enhance their value and the advantages derivable from the 
 exemplary conduct of men in public stations, in the
 
 57 
 
 pertbrraance of social duties and public rectitude, ob- 
 servable amongst the patriarchal nobility of England ; 
 such valuable exemplars are more retiring as they are 
 less observed by the public unobtrusive and beloved by 
 all who revere intrinsic virtue and rectitude. 
 
 Sadness and sorrow melt the soul, profound grief 
 hardens it. 
 
 Every hour is lost, that may be better em- 
 ployed. 
 
 By persevering in a criminal oath or vow, a crime 
 is twice committed, begun, and continued. 
 
 Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. 
 
 A sound healthy mind is requisite to feel the 
 charms of retirement. 
 
 There exists a certain union of souls, which is felt 
 instantly and instinctively, producing familiarity. 
 Love or friendship are the immediate results, and will 
 <nidure through life, when based and cemented in 
 virtue and truth. 
 
 Sucli as are slow to promise, are more faithful in 
 keeping their word, when they see a fit occasion to do 
 u praiseworthy service.
 
 58 
 
 Indiscreet consolations in violent afflictions, embitter 
 them. 
 
 To blush implies guilt, innocence is never ashamed. 
 
 A fool can reflect sometimes, but never till after 
 his folly. 
 
 Liberty is not confined to any particular form of 
 government, it is in the heart of a free man, he carries 
 it with him, he of a degenerate mind is a slave where- 
 ever he lives or moves; the really seditious are those 
 ■who enact iniquitous laws, and have too much liberty 
 over the subject, who are too free and take liberties 
 with the peoples pocket and person. 
 
 Implicit credit is given by many readers to histories 
 of events, as recorded by authors of implied veracity 
 and talent, yet who embody and interweave fables and 
 romances in their memoirs of public characters : many 
 of these are sceptical, and refuse their belief in the au- 
 thenticated uncontradicted writings of Holy Writ, 
 although written by pious disinterested and poor men, 
 who have sealed the truths by the sanctity of their 
 lives, and confirmed at last by their violent deaths, en- 
 dured with courage and resignation. It is easy to 
 disbelieve what we are unwilling to credit. 
 
 The harlequinade freaks of some individuals partake 
 of so close an affinity to madness, that to save them 
 from being incarcerated under the statute, we are apt
 
 59 
 
 to apply the extenuating terms, such as haUucination, 
 mental delusion ; yet we are suspicious that some are 
 occasionally immured through a plea of lunacy enforced 
 by an abandoned interested relative, whose conduct 
 towards the poor sufferer may have exasperated him 
 to ebullitions of passion, falsely and wickedly ascribed 
 to insanity or monomania, 
 
 " Every man his own gardener." A garden is an 
 enviable possession ; the employment therein honorable 
 and delightful, whether in cultivating the growth of 
 nature's work in embryo, watching the beauteous ex- 
 foliation of flowers, the expansion of ripening fruits, 
 or in gathering and enjoying in due season the over- 
 flowing abundance of benignant Providence in its 
 gracious products. We are well repaid for our labor 
 by the health which such exercise affords, the prolific 
 returns of nature's best gifts, and by the excitement of 
 gratitude thus presented to our gratified senses. 
 
 Dig, and you will find roses, primroses, violets, and 
 lillies in infinite numbers, delicacies, and sweets, with 
 hues and perfumes beyond expression which 
 paint and yield sAveet odours from these floreta ; our 
 garden is beautified with blossoms, covered with leafy 
 foliage, and at last loaded witli treasure mellow and 
 ripe. The downy peach and polished plum. The 
 musky apricot and juicy pear, with the cherry and its 
 coral pendents glowing through green lattices. 
 
 And dark beneath her ample leaf the luscious fig. 
 Heaven descends in universal bounty, 
 Shedding herbs and fruits and flowers on nature' fertile lap. 
 
 G
 
 60 
 
 Every man his own washerwoman. This injunction 
 conveys a confusion of ideas, a sort of anomaly. A 
 male man may be deputy to the ladies of the lake, or 
 tub ; may plunge up to the elbows, or knee deep, in 
 suds, and get up linen under the rose. Then he is 
 entitled to the soubriquet of old washerwoman, a title 
 conferred on the directors of the Steam Washing Com- 
 pany at Hackney. They took in linen, and also many 
 confiding customers. What they and the machinery 
 pretended to wash was torn to rags, sent home deficient 
 in quantity and deteriorated in value. Many luckless 
 fair chemises were rent down the bosoms sans cere- 
 raonie ; shirts were received back with an arm ampu- 
 tated, buttons dismissed, and here and there the tails 
 or flaps dislocated, or so shorn of their wonted propor- 
 tions as to require retailing. Many were compelled to 
 make shift without a shirt when lost or stolen by these 
 spoliators of linen. 
 
 Alderman B — s and Co. got up the steam of this 
 precious under take in, which soon condensed into a 
 soap bubble and dissipated into airy nothingness. Sic 
 transit gloria, &c., similar to the projected "Quick 
 Delivery Muffin and Crumpet Association," in Baker 
 Street, and other mountains in labour. " Mons partu- 
 ribus sed nascitar ridiculus mus." 
 
 A milk company was actually established in 1819, 
 and the directors, la creme of the institute, marshalled 
 their herds of cows in the streets and alleys of the 
 great metropolis. These lacteous ways, or milk walks, 
 soon became an intolerable nuisance, and was abated 
 by legal interference. The Alderman was a director
 
 61 
 
 here also, and advocated it in the House of Commons. 
 This milksop fraternity dwindled into milk and water. 
 Listen, the comedian, complained to his landlady 
 that the milk they brought was diluted with a prodi- 
 gious surplusage of water ; the lactarum said it avhs as 
 good as .he could make it. To remedy this he went to 
 the door himself and presented two jugs to the guilty 
 adulterater, saying to him, " Give it me separate ; i'll 
 mix for myself," This hint was taken ; lactareus 
 lessened the proportion of aqua pure in his after visits 
 of supply to this giant of humour and drollery. Momus 
 like, he turned all into fun, but had no relish for milk 
 turned into water tinged. 
 
 Fools build houses, wise men buy or live in them. 
 This dogma is indefensible since we cannot impute folly 
 to such as may indulge their taste in erecting suitable 
 dwellings for their o^m convenience adapted to their 
 individual habits and pursuits, provided the cost be 
 circumscribed to their means. The pleasure of watch- 
 ing the progress of a building intended for our 
 habitation, the enjoyment of possessing what has never 
 been inhabited and exclusively one's own may be 
 ranked in the first order of rational, praiseworthy, and 
 legitimate gratifications ; always subject however to the 
 test of critical observations or comments on the stile 
 and arrangement of the edifice from the individual 
 taste of friends or the public, which according to local 
 circumstances are infinitely variable. 
 
 The worldly wise man on some occasion may find 
 pleasui'e in driving a bargain, in buying a house and 
 
 g2
 
 62 
 
 land for a fraction of its integral value. He may exult 
 at the improvidence of some luckless wight which 
 enables him to derive a handsome profit from the pur- 
 chase at a depreciated price. Still he who builds may 
 be a much wiser man than the purchaser, and can 
 gratify his love of science, his patronage for its pro- 
 fessors and artists. I now refer to an episode at the 
 conclusion of this work containing an Essay on Archi- 
 tecture, &c. 
 
 RINGING THE CHANGES. 
 
 Exchange no robbery. A very accommodating 
 adage to such as do not draw a nice distinction between 
 meum et tuum, and are partial to the antisocial self 
 appropriating principle. 
 
 Exchanging cards or blows in anger and conflicts are 
 antisocial habits, or disorganised mutual compacts of 
 fellowship. 
 
 Let it be granted, provided an equivalent passes by 
 mutual consent. But I contend that he who clandes- 
 tinely appropriates my beaver worth one pound, and 
 leaves me his dilapidated castor value as many shillings, 
 robs me of the difference, pays me one shilling in the 
 pound, and aggravates the injustice with the insult, for 
 many use this article for other vague purposes than a 
 hat, for the transit of grocery, butter, eggs, &c. 
 Another friend may take a liking for my coat, and use 
 or abuse it for six months ; I should consider it a 
 poor compliment to receive a spencer in return,
 
 63 
 
 All faded and torn. 
 Not fit to be worn. 
 
 Such courses of exchange do not operate in my favor. 
 Babes in the nursery have been exchanged. One is 
 recorded in the reign of James II. througli the medium 
 of a nurse and a warming pan : a royal exchange 
 indeed. We may exchange or barter public virtues for 
 gold, or some comparatively worthless advantage, ac- 
 companied with remorse and bitter compunction for such 
 dishonourable traffic witli the conscience. 
 
 Our suffrages on jjublic appeals, when the weal of 
 our country demands should be disinterested, otherwise 
 we sell ourselves to venal corruption, and the senate 
 house ceases to be the representative body of this great 
 empire : to this direlection of public virtue, may be 
 ascribed the unjust, unnecessary, wars of past times ; 
 and their consequent endless evils, which beset some 
 portions of society, even now in the hours of peace : 
 when senators are Proteus in shape, and mockingbirds 
 in tongue. Apropos de bottes : The new royal Bourse 
 of London, will prove a good exchange for the old one 
 deflagrated : alas ! we hope soon again, to review the 
 busy merchants and traders, assembled in this cosmo- 
 polism of all nations in our great city : peace and com- 
 merce, will once more be discussed within its walls, 
 unmixed with baser matter : war and monopoly. May 
 we never again witness those men of money, throwing 
 up their hats in the air with exulting shouts and yells, 
 at the announcement of an approaching rupture with 
 France, in 1798. Shame rest on the memory of our 
 fathers, thus trading in human woes, for mammon and 
 
 g3
 
 64 
 
 his satellites, for riches and luxuries : where are ye 
 now ? and what is your amount of advantage ? nature 
 furnishes us with the bare neccessaries of life, but art 
 and traffic gives us an incessant variety of what is use- 
 ful, and supplies conveniences, and ornamental products 
 from all parts of the world : thus the merchants are 
 the most useful members of the commonwealth : they 
 unite mankind in a mutual intercourse of good offices, 
 an interchange of money and goods, distributing the 
 gifts of Providence, they find work for the poor, add 
 wealth to the rich, and magnificence to the great : 
 trade has multiplied the number and wealth of the 
 upper classes, enhanced enormously the value of landed 
 estates, whence ensue high rents to farmers, and high 
 prices for the agricultural produce: bread corn is 
 raised one hundred per cent, which enables the land- 
 owners to pay interest to mortgagees, and to fare 
 sumptuously : it might be desirable to revive the assize 
 of bread, to check any combination between the miller 
 and baker, the free trade measures enacted recently, 
 have mitigated or removed these evils. 
 
 The first stone of the Royal Exchange was deposited 
 by Prince Albert, 17th January, 1842. Architect, 
 Mr. William Tite, pupil of Mr. Laing. 
 
 " Fools make feasts and wise men eat them." 
 This mouth piece oracle admonishes the liberal and 
 ostentatious to be chary of catering creature comforts 
 for worldly wise men, lest they should be involved in 
 the category of fools, to avoid onerous expenses, and 
 not to deck their tables for the gratification of parasites
 
 65 
 
 and flatterers (denominated by this homely proverb 
 " wise men "J who wet the appetite and wit, to revel 
 at the good man's feasting, (a bon f'rais) sans souci, 
 hospitality is often taxed as folly by the ingrates who 
 are undeserving of its honours : such visitors are as 
 constant and frequent as the recurrence of good cheer, 
 and as enduring as the resources of their friend and 
 host may hold or last : should these fail or slacken, like 
 the drones they wing their dreary flight to other hives, 
 or they may be compared to harpies or birds of prey 
 hovering over and scenting objects to gratify rapacity 
 of appetite. Gil Bias gives a good illustration of a 
 parasite who had the effrontery in colleague with the 
 innkeeper to order in a splendid dinner, he lauded Gil 
 Bias as a flambeaux of literature and crammed him 
 with fulsome flattery, crammed himself and partook 
 of the meat and wine, and abruptly took his leave with 
 an ironical admonition, never to trust the specious and 
 plausible. 
 
 Optimism. Whatever is must be good is a very con- 
 soling dogma, because as God exists, who is all perfect 
 wise powerful and just, all must be good. The princi- 
 ples of optimism can readily be admitted by induction 
 from the perfection of the deity, who presiding over 
 and guiding all in heaven and on earth, proves his ex- 
 istence as the first great cause, evil is the resivlt of 
 second causes. 
 
 " In 8pite of pride, in erring reasons spite, 
 One truth is clear, whatever is, is right."
 
 66 
 
 Ergo it is right that wrong should at times prevail, 
 with ail its catalogue of woes unnumbered, the first 
 causes are unerring, second causes are permitted to 
 produce sinister results, yet as all things (good or evil) 
 work together for good. Pope's axiom is also good. 
 
 " From seeming evil still producing good, 
 And better, thence again, and better still 
 In infinite progression." 
 
 History may be described as accoutred with a 
 dagger in one hand and a bowl of poison in the other. 
 Thus restrained from writing on her tablets she dic- 
 tates the outpourings to deputed scribes whose pen is 
 dipped in human blood, tracing events of strife, cruelty, 
 and folly, with a false gloss of the chief actors and 
 agents of the sanguinary drama of human life. 
 
 The recording Angel, it is presumed, furnishes a 
 very different version, portrays the past and present 
 with truth unmitigated and unvarnished. Will he drop 
 a tear on the tragic page and blot it out for ever ? Or 
 will the Seraph seal it with a sigh to be opened on the 
 day of judgment or of doom. 
 
 MEUM ET TUUM. 
 
 To be out of debt is to be out of danger. We are 
 no longer in danger from the creditor who is paid ; yet 
 are we not in danger of again getting into debt should 
 such a predisposition exist, when with an evil eye we
 
 67 
 
 covet those things unattainable with our limited means 
 or precarious resources. 
 
 We are never out of debt whilst a tribute of grati- 
 tude is due for obligations conferred and unrequited by 
 us as recipients, and whilst we remain indifferent or 
 forgetful of the benefits bestowed by kindred and 
 friends towards one's wants or desires. 
 
 To be in debt in a pecuniary sense only, and disabled 
 to make restitution or atonement to an injured friend 
 and benefactor must be agonizing to a sensitive mind. 
 Let such endeavour to propitiate with prayer and 
 benison those whom he may have so ill used by his im- 
 providence. 
 
 Love me love my dog. This dogma, sounds impera- 
 tive, and I am at a loss to trace any motive for loving 
 the canine protege, merely because one may be attached 
 to the proprietor ; or that it is incumbent on us to be 
 in love with both at the same time. It may be politic 
 in urging your suit with a fair lady, whilst lavish in 
 the praise of her charms and eulogising her Avit and 
 beauty, to drop a compliment on her favourite. 
 Lance, an acquaintance of Shakspeare, was so 
 partial to his dog Pompey as to incur the blame and 
 punishment for his offensive breach of decency and 
 decorum, and was requested to quit the house instanter 
 or be kicked out. Dogs are entitled to our esteem ; 
 they possess the good qualities of fidelity, courage, and 
 devotion to a kind master superior to any other animal. 
 They are a companionable race, and you may trust them 
 with the custody of any thing, except your secrets.
 
 68 
 
 When we injure our constitution with irregularity 
 we endeavour to reestablish it with empiric remedies, 
 thus adding to the evil we feel that of which we have 
 been in dread ; the foresight of death hastens it. We are 
 djdng with fear whilst we live, and murmur against 
 nature for the pains occasioned by transgressing against 
 her. Live free, not freely, and hold all mundane things 
 at a cheap rate. It is the safest way to learn to die. 
 When the heart is whole with integrity, the body 
 sound with temperance and forbearance, the mind is 
 not enervated or enfeebled with fears and apprehen- 
 sions of the departing hour. II yen a qui sent jwurris 
 avant detre murs. 
 
 The vanity of conquests. The pride of victory are 
 deplorably absurd. A cock crowing on a dung hill is 
 the beau ideal of a farm -yard, and the rural appliances 
 of domestic peace. But a coxcomb striding over a field 
 of battle, strewed with the slaughtered, presents a 
 tableau for the Pandemonium Hall ; see him number- 
 ing the fallen foe, dictating a bulletin from head- 
 quarters to the heads of the Government whence these 
 scenes ensue, who are preparing for successive coups 
 de guerre on the consecutive days, either offensive or 
 defensive, to renew fresh uncertain struggles of bloody 
 strife. To conquer or to die. Defeat or victory. 
 
 Shakspeare's Hotspur says to King Henry the 
 Fourth — 
 
 When I was dry with rage, and extreme toil, 
 Breathless and faint, leaning upon my sword,
 
 69 
 
 Came there a certain lord, neat, trimly dress'd ; 
 
 Fresh as a bridegroom 
 
 He was perfumed like a milliner ; 
 
 And 'twixt his finger and Ms thumb he held 
 
 A pouncet-box, which ever and anon 
 
 He gave his nose 
 
 And as the soldiers bare dead bodies b}', 
 He call'd thenv untaught knaves, immannerly, 
 To bring a slovenly, unhandsome corpse 
 Betwixt the wind and his nobility. 
 
 He made me mad 
 To see him shine so brisk, arid smell so sweet, 
 And talk so like a waiting gentlewoman 
 Of guns, and driuns, and wounds. 
 
 Dr. Porteus has wrote what I now quote : 
 
 " Artificers of death. Still monarch's dream 
 
 Of universal empire growing up from universal ruin ; 
 
 Blast the design great God of Hosts ! 
 
 Nor let thy creatures fall unpitied victims 
 
 At ambition's shrine." 
 
 They seek diversion in the tented field, 
 
 And make the sorrows of mankind their sport. 
 
 But war's a game, which were their subjects wise 
 
 King's would not jjlay at. 
 
 Glory is a bombastic term unworthy to be used by 
 great nations. Napoleon boasted of the invincibility 
 of his legions, which egotism was rendered ridiculous 
 by defeat. 
 
 'Tis a false glory which attends victory in an unjust 
 war. and without justice and necessity on it.'^ side. 
 Otherwise the greatest generals are but leaders of ban- 
 ditti, committing murders and robbery. Frederick of 
 Prussia called military glory a phantom.
 
 70 
 
 Louis the Fourteenth, during his insane campaigns, 
 whe7i his troops had fought and secured a victory over 
 the enemy (the danger having passe) attired himself in 
 the proud panoply of war, vaulted on his cheval de 
 battaile, crowned with the dazzling helm and waving 
 plumes, now heads his army as le dieu de guerre, claims 
 all the honors, receives servile homage from flatterer 
 on bended knee or adulatory pen ; medals are struck 
 with his effigy in all metals ; base and fulsome are the 
 adulating panegyrics ; te .deums are chanted ; salvos o. 
 artillery tire the ear, helping to drown the recollection 
 of the drama. The killed and wounded are as soon 
 forgotten as they are "hors de combat, or cease to 
 live," as French military reports or bulletins narrated a 
 loss of life, when they were flushed with victory and 
 the enemy had " bit the dust." This Grand Monarque 
 sustained signal defeats at the close of his pestiferous 
 career. He was a mock pageant hero ; a real pest of 
 the age in which he lived. 
 
 "B^ 
 
 The King of France, with thirty thousand men, 
 Marched up the hill, and then marched down again. 
 
 The revocation of the edict of Nantes expatriated a 
 million subjects, many were massacred by the King';? 
 orders. His finances exhausted ; his subjects ruined. In 
 this predicament this pestiferous magnificent monarch 
 expired at Versailles in 1715, aged 77, surrounded by 
 swarms of priests, poets, prostitutes, pensioners, and 
 sycophants who had revelled in the royal sunshine, and, 
 as a matter of course, hailed their idol by acclamation as 
 Louis le Grand. This was the beginning of the end, 
 and led to the catastrophe — the Revolution of France.
 
 71 
 
 <'The little birds of the field have God for their 
 steward and shield." So sang or said honest Sancho 
 Panza in his native wood notes wild. 
 
 Providence vouchsafes to display its wonders as con- 
 spicuously in the economy of the feathered race as in 
 any portion of the unbounded creation. Milton's Sen- 
 sibility well expresses. 
 
 " The earth gave sign of gratulation ; and each hill, 
 Joyous the birds. Fresh gales and gentle airs 
 Whisper'd it to the woods, and from their wings 
 Flung rose-flung odours from the spicy shrub 
 Disporting, till the amorous bird of night 
 Sung spousal, and bid haste the evening star 
 On lier hill top, to light the bridal lamp." 
 
 At sun rise birds in chorus reassemble and in con- 
 cert salute the father of life. At this moment not one 
 is silent. 
 
 " Upsprings the lark 
 Shrill voiced and loud, the messenger of mom. 
 Etc yet the shadows fly. He mounted sings 
 Amid the dawning clouds, and from their haunts 
 Calls up the tuneful nations. 
 
 The thrush and woodlark o'er the high contending throng, 
 Superior heard, when listening philomela deigns 
 To let them joy, purposing to make her night excell their day; 
 The blackbird whistles from the thorny brake, 
 The mellow bullfinch answers from the grove. 
 'Tis love creates their melody. And all 
 This waste of music is the voice of love, 
 That even to birds and beasts the tender arts 
 Of pleasing teaches." 
 
 H
 
 72 
 
 What divine strains of music may there not be in 
 heaven, when even on the earth the birds of the air 
 warble delightful melody. Witness the voice of the 
 nightingale, doubling and redoubling his harmonious 
 notes. 
 
 " Sweet songstress of the woods among, 
 I woo to hear thy evening song."' 
 
 The transit of harmony, througli the ear to the soul, 
 partakes of divine nature. 
 
 HOROSCOPIC LORE. -SOOTHSAYERS 
 FORSOOTH. 
 
 Old Murphy had a happy knack 
 
 Of cooking up an almanack ; 
 
 Some say could winds and tides presage. 
 
 And eke the story ran, that he could guage. 
 
 When the wind blows then the mill goes, is about 
 the scope and extent of the prescience of weather-wise 
 conjurers. 
 
 This presumptuous empiric predicted rain and frost, 
 de diem ad diem, despite of the variation of winds and 
 the uncertainty of the upper regions. He ventures to 
 publish an unerring guide for future days. Man who 
 is unable to comprehend the essence of a drop of rain 
 should not presume to array the elements in their 
 diurnal change and aspects. 
 
 The ephemera of the fleeting day are too rapid for 
 our futile speculations. We shall reap but the whirl-
 
 73 
 
 wind when we plough the clouds or build castles in the 
 air. There are upper and lower currents of wind. 
 Murphy, to judge aright of their respective influences 
 and prognosticate in gude truth, should engage a bal- 
 loon and undertake aerial voyages : but 1 (juestion his 
 trusting his valuable person in mibilus whilst his pur- 
 pose is answered on terra firma in an omnibus vehicle. 
 
 " Heaven from all creatures Jiides the book of fate, 
 All but the page prescribed the present state, 
 From brutes what men, from men what angels know, 
 Or who would suffer being here below." 
 
 A contemporary of Murphy, Zadkiel, has brought 
 his meteorological oracles to public notice, deducing his 
 observations from the changes of the planets and the 
 phases of the moon. 
 
 What would this man ? now upward would he soar ? 
 And little less than angel would be more." 
 
 The horoscopes of one called Raphael has more affi- 
 nity to presumption than the lucubrations of the 
 beforementioned wise ones's. Moore's vox stellarum 
 announces the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn in 
 May, 1842, predicative of evil. Such as the tyranny 
 of princes, religious feuds, and other malignant events, 
 (which as we know happen every day.) Is not this 
 sheer nonsence ? where would be the free agency of 
 man if the stars influenced his actions ? predestination 
 and fatalism would then become the universal creed ; 
 infidelity and irresponsibility the natural conse- 
 quence. 
 
 h2
 
 74 
 
 Some who suffer under mental delusions are vari- 
 ously affected by the moon in her fullness, become 
 mooneyed or moon , calves. We are to ascribe our 
 disasters to the sun and stars forsooth ! as if we were 
 villains by necessity ; fools by heavenly compulsion ; 
 knaves, thieves, or traitors by spherical predominance ; 
 become drunkards, liars and adulterers, by an irresist- 
 ible obedience to planetary influence. An admirable 
 subterfuge of whoreson man to tax the stars with his 
 goatish disposition. 
 
 Phrenology, bumpology, or bamboozleology, is not a 
 more absurd system. The ancient oracles were es- 
 teemed as the mysterious declarations of the will of the 
 gods, a search into futurity. The oracles of Apollo at 
 Delphi admitted equivocal interpretations, yet they 
 were deemed unerring although they emitted false- 
 hoods. Oracles of the Egytians at Memphis, where an 
 altar was built, and their god Aphis worshipped under 
 the figure of an ox. Sybilline oracles: women in 
 Persia endued with the pretended gift of prophecy. 
 Varro reckons about ten of these impostors wbo distri- 
 buted their cabalistic trash in leaves or papyra. The 
 Jews practiced augury, or divination, by the heavenly 
 meteors, or from a peep into the entrails of beasts. 
 The flight of birds determined Romulus and Remus 
 where to lay the foundation of Rome, and according to 
 these omens and prestiges they made peace or war 
 The sortes virgillianea as resorted to by Charles the 
 First is I believe the most recent instance in England 
 of consulting the book of fate or destiny. Should not 
 the mind be early inspired with an abhorrence of the
 
 75 
 
 ubsurd indecent ceremonies and impious tenets of the 
 heathen mythology, and be deeply impressed with a 
 due sense and veneration for the Christian Religion. 
 We may predict no doubt. We can call spirits from 
 the vast deep : but will they come when we do call 
 them ? no, away with such prestiges. 
 
 These philomaths in astrology or celestial lore are 
 empirics, some who put forth almanacks would do 
 honor to the tread mill, or descend ye nine system via 
 a cat o'nine. One prescribed a cure for warts by steal- 
 ing as many beans and dropping them at the junction 
 of the two cross roads when they would vanish ; the 
 charmed clodpole who might en passant pick up the 
 paper of beans would also find the warts on his own 
 hands in full bloom, transposed by the charm. Or he 
 advised to steal a piece of raw beef and rub the warts 
 with it and then bury, not eat the beef, when the meat 
 is decayed the warts would disappear. To wash the 
 hands in moonshine by concentrating the rays of the 
 moon in a polished silver basin, (something like the 
 doctrine of Prince Hohenlohe) has been attempted by 
 some quid nuncs, for the dismissal of corns and warts. 
 Charles the Second affected to cure the sick by " touch- 
 ing for the evil," and with his daring impiety assumed 
 supernatural powers. In the banquetting room White- 
 hall hundreds flocked to the dissolute King : he might 
 be better qualified to inoculate them with his licentious 
 vices ! with which he certainly afflicted his subjects, he 
 Avas an empiric. 
 
 Mr Ainsworth has informed us tliat Lilly the astro- 
 loger, 1651, predicted the " plngue in London " which 
 
 u 3
 
 destroyed most of its inhabitants 14 years after, from 
 the conjunction of Saturn in Sagittarius : the fire of 
 London he foretold from the triplex imion of Aries Leo 
 and Sagittarius, A comet was the harbinger within two 
 following years of this national calamity. 
 
 Dr Katterfelto may also be classed amongst the occult 
 deceivers, with his sable coated cat, symbolic of the 
 black art with which he gulled the English for several 
 years : I will venture to " tell fortunes, hypothetically, 
 can tell a simpleton that she will be married to a rich 
 man, if he should oflFer his hand and heart, provided 
 you accept him. 
 
 Pride is the majesty of folly. Fashion wears its 
 livery; ergo, a proud man of rank is a rank fool. 
 Vanity is the dominant spirit of the age. Pride is its 
 besetting sin ; still a degree of each is praiseworthy, 
 should they lead to the side of virtue conscious of 
 desert. 
 
 Gold is first drained from the country in purchasing 
 corn too dear abroad. It is brought back again by 
 selling our goods too cheap in foreign markets, for 
 want of a reciprocal interchange of commodities. 
 
 Impudent sceptics will not give credence to, and re- 
 fuse to understand, such manifest truths as they know 
 will condemn their incredulity. An hour must come 
 when they will be compelled to believe and to undergo
 
 17 
 
 chastisement for their unbelief. Pride and wilful error 
 must be abased in the future condition of man, or 
 humility and virtue cannot be acknowledged or recom- 
 pensed above, which is impossible. He who has been 
 obstinately blind throughout his life, may at some dread 
 hour open his ears and eyes to truth in awe, fear, and 
 trembling, when he will find himself no longer uncon- 
 vinced nor unrequited for evil ways obstinately perse- 
 vered in through infatuation, folly or false pride. 
 
 We are too prone to forfeit the calm enjoyments 
 reserved for healthy peaceful old age by unmeasured 
 indulgencies in the palmy days of youth, redolent of 
 health and sanguine hopes. The same improvidence 
 will lavish on luxuries those sums, a small portion 
 whereof will hereafter be required for necessaries to 
 sustain and cherish infirmities of old age, thus throwing 
 away thousands a year in superfluities, whereas a few 
 years hence £100 per annum may be sighed for in vain. 
 He has wrecked his argosy of happiness in the voyage 
 of life by bad pilotage and unskilful management of the 
 sail and compass, and finds his exhausted frame 
 stranded in solitary barrenness, divested of hope or 
 consolation. 
 
 In the season of love the natural intuitive affections 
 of the human heart are developed. Then innocency, 
 candour, sincerity, modesty, generosity, holy faith, and 
 piety express themselves in the graceful attitudes and 
 features of young lovers ; they plight their faith with 
 ardour. Religion and virtue possess their souls ; these
 
 78 
 
 are pure emotions implanted in their nature. The hal- 
 lowed spirit of peace is with them, and will never 
 depart whilst they continue in the interchange of es- 
 teem and affection, uniformly persevering in the duties 
 of the connubial state, closely united to the onerous 
 obligations of cherishing the offspring in the ways they 
 should go. 
 
 True love is the chastest of all ties. It is a divine 
 flame purifying our natural propensities, concentrating 
 in one object which it becomes a solemn duty to protect 
 and cherish, and removes us from temptations, which 
 the charms and loveliness of God's creatures may 
 inspire. Nuptial ties of those in disparity of years and 
 tempers are rarely tolerable ; they are noosed or rather 
 knotted with incompatibility. Disappointment and 
 ridicule are the early and only fruits of disunion. The 
 assimilation of frost and snow, winter and spring, are 
 its allegory. We hear of old debauche's alluring a 
 blooming beauty to their bosoms, when a flannel waist- 
 coat would better become the breastwork ; a nurse and 
 his Bible his fittest best companions. 
 
 WOMAN. 
 
 The empire of women is softness, complacency, and 
 address. Her commands are caresses, she invokes obedi- 
 ence with her tears. Restlessness and inconstancy are 
 frequently man's failings and the result of a false calcula- 
 tion. Being too strongly prepossessed for what we
 
 79 
 
 desire, disappointment in the possession is the result ; 
 they are less constant than women, who redouble their 
 care and attention to retain the attachment and aifec- 
 tion of him when she suspects any diminution of love, 
 or cause of jealousy or indifference. The picture of 
 felicity loses its charms with some men who in the cor- 
 ruption of vice acquire a depravity of heart and taste; 
 then they cease to feel what is touching and to enjoy 
 what is amiable in those nature's best gifts. Love is 
 deprived of its greatest charm when forsaken by 
 modasty. Remove the idea of perfection you lose the 
 eirthusiasm. Take away esteem, love no more exists ; 
 a mutual indifference or contempt ensues. Love is the 
 first, the softest, impress on the heart. It is intuitive 
 and speaks its own language, even if tongue-tied. " I 
 love, thou lovest, we love," is the meum and tuum of 
 the art. Other languages must be taught ; this is self- 
 leai'ned, self-interpreting. • 
 
 Our first parent and lover addresses Eve — 
 
 " When I approach her loveliness so absolute she seems, 
 
 And in herself complete so weU to know 
 
 Her own, that what she wills to do or say 
 
 Seems wisest, virtuousest, discreetest, best. 
 
 And create an awe about her as a guard angelic placed." 
 
 Of earthly goods the best is a good wife. 
 A slirew, the bitterest curse of human life. 
 
 Women's judgment is sooner formed than men's; 
 they are passive and cautious from infancy. Entrusted 
 with a charge of decorous virtue, good and evil are ne-
 
 80 
 
 cessarily sooner known to them than to our seX. 
 Presence of mind with penetration are the science of 
 females. The habit of exercising is their talent. 
 Women excel in wit. Men have more genius. She 
 observes. He reasons. Women it should appear are 
 born to be beloved and to please man, who ought to 
 appreciate her excellencies. A faithless husband is 
 unjust and barbarous. A licentious woman still more 
 injurious. She dissolves the family compact ; breaks 
 the natural ties in giving an offspring to the man which 
 he cannot or fears to own. The ancients held females 
 in great respect. The Spartans never allowed the 
 virtuous and modest to perform amorous parts in the 
 theatre : slaves and public girls represented such casts 
 of character. In general, females are most admired who 
 make the most display, are more sought and seen in 
 public and at dinners ; who give the ton, decide, pro- 
 nounce, and assign the allotted degrees to virtue and 
 talent according to the standard of their fantastic 
 opinions. The chief qualities in the softer sex are 
 gentleness and retiring modesty, destined to obey (or 
 rather submit) to so imperfect a creature as man, often 
 vicious, always faulty, she must be prepared to suffer 
 injustice, and sustain a husband's wrongs without com- 
 plaining ; obstinacy or anger but aggravate their 
 troubles or vexations. Heaven has not given them a 
 sweet voice to reproach, nor bestowed beauteous fea- 
 tures to be disfigured with wrath. Women's language 
 is flexible ; they speak oftener and pleasanter than men ; 
 they are taxed with talking more, so be it. I praise 
 them for this volubility ; they converse more to the
 
 81 
 
 purpose, inasmuch as they usually please. The mouth 
 and eyes with them are always active and engaging. 
 Female education should relate to man chiefly, to please 
 and be useful to him ; to rear the youthful mind of 
 either sex for which women are most adapted; they 
 surpass us in piety, and in all the tender affections of 
 the heart they are obviously, effectively, our superiors. 
 Are they not patient and resigned in affliction and ad- 
 versity, always entitled to our sympathies, to our admi- 
 ration and protection. 'Tis surely nature's first law. 
 
 Looking into the pages of literature we find the 
 influence of the fair sex recognised as ennobling, 
 inspiring, and rewarding the highest purposes of man. 
 The painter finds amongst them his subjects for 
 beauty, not only corporeal, but of soul-full loveliness ; 
 the mere perception and copying their forms on canvas 
 hath entitled the artist to immortal fame. 
 
 The sculptor is alike indebted to the lofty character 
 of woman. Poetry owes to them its chief influence 
 and charm. Witness its aspirations and votive offer- 
 rings to the sex which man delights to love and honor. 
 
 The graduation of civilisation may be marked by the 
 rise or fall of the estimation of its females in society. 
 Nay, the character of an individual may be tested by 
 his opinion of the sex. Man oft sees nothing in woman 
 but an implement for his bodily comlbrt, and feels not 
 that she possesses an elevating power capable of stimu- 
 lating his mind to higher and loftier aims ; we must 
 say that the corporeal predominates over the intellec- 
 rnal in his selfishness, and his temperament is below
 
 82 
 
 How many of the minor evils, how many cares and 
 wearying anxieties, disappointed hopes and fretful 
 hours might be avoided, and how much of the cement- 
 ing of real love which unite our households together 
 may be obtained by due appreciation, sincere affection, 
 and protection of the female race, the first, fairest, and 
 fruitfuUest of God's works on earth. 
 
 Ah, who but can recall the eve they met, 
 To breathe in some green walk their first young vows, 
 When summer flowers with moonlight dews were wet, 
 And winds sigh'd soft aroimd the leafy boughs ; 
 Then all was rapture ; now fond memory's dream 
 I'aints on the mind the past and pleasing theme. 
 
 ABOLITION OF SLAVERY. 
 
 Bristol and Liverpool were the first towns which 
 trafficked in the importation of slaves from Africa to 
 the West Indies. The abolition of this trade in 1807, 
 originated with the planters who never contemplated 
 the manumission of the native indigenous negro : the 
 operation of this measure appears to have effected the 
 ruin of the planters, and the white population, and 
 degenerated the race of the labouring classes. They 
 are become insubordinate, licentious, and preying upon 
 each other, or perishing by leprosy and other disorders 
 contracted by vicious courses of life. A merchant who 
 has resided 26 years in the West Indies, on whose 
 veracity there is no doubt, informs me that the negroes 
 are comparatively happy and independent as contrasted
 
 83 
 
 with the indigent classes in England, where we oft 
 find penury and degradation. The slaves are well fed, 
 housed and clothed, madeira is often distributed to 
 them from the master's table. On the sea-coast of 
 Guiana, for an extent of 300 miles, the land is out of 
 cultivation where coffee, sugar, and long staple cotton, 
 were previously produced in abundance. What was 
 a paradise is now a desert. Numerous families in 
 England are reduced to poverty who derived annuities 
 from, or were joint proprietors in, the plantations at 
 Berbice and Demarara, from whence they derived their 
 sole dependence. 
 
 In one of our colonies, Guiana, Mr H 1 pos- 
 sessed large estates for which, in 1818, he was offered 
 
 £500,000 by a merchant in London. Mr H 1 on 
 
 his death left a widow and five children, the property 
 was conveyed to a {)erson in London, who covenanted 
 to allow the heirs each an annuity of two' hundred 
 pounds only ; but which, from the ruinous state of the 
 trade, he was soon compelled to discontinue. 
 
 The free slaves will work only when it suits their 
 convenience, at high wages and in diminished num- 
 bers. They can roam in the woods, snare animals of 
 all species, catch fish abundantly, drink rum, and live 
 luxuriously. 
 
 The aquatic tribes of various species are found in 
 the swamps, the assar and many other species are 
 considered delicious food. The white inhabitants are 
 fast depopulating ; some to South America. Suicides, 
 broken hearts and bankruptcy have been the melan- 
 choly results of this measure, and are continuous to 
 
 X
 
 84 
 
 the hour in whicli I write. The bonus of twenty 
 millions voted by the government afforded a very 
 inadequate grant of compensation; some say as a drop 
 in the ocean, for the merchants and mortcjagees in 
 London claimed the greatest share of that sum. It is 
 (iMijectured that a second Domingo in a few years will 
 bc^ established on the ruins of these forlorn 
 colonies. 
 
 Emigration, and a vigorous discipline from the 
 mother country may stay the plague for a time, if not 
 ji re vent its dismemberment as a dependent state on the 
 mother country. The Coolies from the East Indies 
 are considered unfit for the labors of the West India 
 plantations, why not try them ? One estate, during a 
 period of 10 years, yielded a profit of £70,000 per 
 annum. Still the annihilation of- the sj^avc trade is a 
 (■onsummation ever devoutly to be wished, and a boon 
 which redounds to the glory and honor of all who 
 have contributed to effect so praise v/orthy, so sacred a 
 duty to our fellow creatures. 
 
 The great opulence, the extravagance, of retired 
 planters wlw had purchased large estates and mansions 
 in England excited the jealous investigation of various 
 individuals in this country: Messrs Wilberforce, 
 Buxton, Clarkson, and other humane philanthropists, 
 instituted searching enquiries and data on. Wiic/* they 
 took their ground for upraising a temple to humanity, 
 and registering their names in imperishable characters 
 on the hearts of the present race and posterity, more 
 firmly engraven than on brass or marble they have 
 induced the legislature to enact a total abolition of the 
 nefarious traffick in slavery.
 
 85 
 
 One is led to enquire why man is desix'ous to 
 increase the celerity of his locomotive powers ? and 
 why he has become impatient at the progress of those 
 noble animals destined for his use and obedient to our 
 wants or pleasures in walk, amble, or gallopade ? In 
 these days puffed off by vapour, propelled by steam 
 engineering, this quick transition no doubt increases 
 the social and commercial intercourse with distant 
 fellow mortals, approximates man to man who never 
 would have met otherwise, facilitating a community of 
 interests and friendly associations. 
 
 The swiftness of birds and animals far exceeds that 
 of man ; yet whilst he is even stationary, or taking his 
 leisure walks abroad, his thoughts are on the wing. 
 His ideas fly quicker than the lightning's flash. Voli- 
 tion carries him a nobler flight, even to the confines of 
 the globe, to the very threshold of infinity ; and there 
 our thoughts must pause in humble adoration, or ex- 
 pressive silence, to muse his praise. 'Tis a hallowed 
 region. 
 
 "What would this man, now upwafd would he soar, 
 And little less than angel, woxild be more." 
 
 The earth is the tenement of our bodies, which are 
 under mechanical subordination to the mind's impulse 
 in the restricted exercise of the legs and arms, for kind 
 and wise purposes. Let us then, not in our ambition, 
 overstep or leap, or attempt to vault or soar, beyond 
 our prescints, conscious and assured that man is imma- 
 terial, and destined for higher aims in other worlds. 
 Railroads are exemplary of the progressive knowledge 
 
 i2
 
 86 
 
 of the age we live in ; they appear to illustrate in a 
 literal sense the prophetic saying of the Apostle John, 
 in the beautiful portion of the 40th chapter of Isaiah, 
 and paraphrased so harmoniously by Pope. " Every 
 valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill 
 shall be made low ; the crooked shall be made straight, 
 and the rough places plain." May this promised 
 blessing be fulfilled literally as a prelude, or foretaste, 
 of the eternal "paths of pleasantness, the ways of 
 peace" for man. 
 
 PUGILISM. 
 
 The science o^ Jives, or boxiana, so called from the 
 employment of the digits, is a game practised by idlers 
 and vagabonds. Should the stakes be heavy in a 
 pitched battle the set-to, or fight, may last one or two 
 hours ; the combatants being well paid to win or lose 
 by bets and bargains. 
 
 These brushes might be expedited, provided the lads 
 of the fancy wore iron gauntlets ; a quarter of an hour 
 might then suffice to close the conflict, and perhaps the 
 eyes of one at least in death. The struggle would be 
 less cruel and barbarous. A rib or two, mayhap the 
 jaw bone, might be fractured off hand by these ruffian 
 encounters. Should the skull escape, every tooth in 
 the head might be demolished at one fell swoop by a
 
 87 
 
 coup de main de fer. Those who pugnacil'y every 
 month and exhibit in the schools would be disabled 
 from taking the field from some physical hindrance, or 
 i'rom death's blow. 
 
 Beasts of the field or caverns drear are not savage 
 unless roaming for food or seeking their offspring. 
 Man is the savage, when in cold blood he aims at the 
 vital spark of one of his own species. He is the brute 
 whenever his vices have their uncontrolled sway and 
 rule his actions. A gentle wife of one desperado of 
 the clique, ashamed of her alliance to a bruiser, 
 declared she would no longer live under the same roof 
 with a hireling boxer, nor carry the name of so dis- 
 reputable a member of society. 
 
 The abettors, betters, and roue patrons of the ring 
 should be persuaded to get up an affray, a scene among 
 themselves, say with two dozen of the elite or noted 
 bruisers, such a mel6 would afford them a practical 
 lesson on hard hits and heavy falls ; nor should I 
 grieve to witness the strife for half an hour, nor less 
 pleased to watch the entre of a police force to raise the 
 wounded, and the tattered garments strewed on the 
 arena, and the escort of the belligerents to Bow street, 
 to witness the committal of the whole party to durance 
 vile for six months as rogues under the vagrant act, 
 trotting like squirrels in the rotary tread mill. 
 
 The devotees of the fives fancy delight in bruises, 
 bumps, and blackguardism ; they glory when and in 
 what others would feel shame and degradation. 
 
 Exulting o'er a pummelled victim in his woe, 
 Who never ow'd him grudge nor ever was his foe. 
 
 i3
 
 88 
 
 I comfort myself in a whole skin, in unfractured 
 bones, in limbs undislocated. Ribs I prefer in their 
 natural position, and consider the loss of an eye, the 
 removal of a mouthful of grinders, would be poorly 
 requited by winning the stakes at a prize fight at the 
 close of the sixtieth round, and receiving the tumul- 
 tuous bear-garden applause of costermongers, broken 
 down publicans and sinners. Dogs never fight for 
 mercenary motives at least. 
 
 The far greater number of prize fighters have been 
 transported for theft, some executed for murder, others 
 have died in poverty, after a life of ignominy, in 
 brothels, gaming houses, crossing and cheating at fairs 
 and races. Can we expect to gather grapes from 
 thistles, alas! 
 
 An amateur pugnacian, Mr , at Brighton, lately 
 
 manoeuvered on the phiz of a little broker, whom he 
 handled right and left. An action was brought, the 
 cost and damages were £200, about £20 for every hit, 
 or a tax of £20 self imposed on each finger for the fun 
 of knocking a man about scientifically. Selon les Regies. 
 
 SCHISMS. 
 
 It is worthy of observation and regret that the field 
 for argument is again open to disputants and schisma- 
 tics on theology, which instead of confirming the
 
 89 
 
 waverer and the unsteady disciples of the church, do 
 hut distract the notions of some, and render others 
 sceptical. The road to eternity we are told is straight 
 and plain. Polemical writers oft encumber the beauti- 
 ful simplicity of religion with speculative theories, 
 affording to many an excuse for unbelief. One is in- 
 duced to suspect the sincerity of the advocates of 
 Puseyism and other fanaticisms and sectarianisms. 
 
 Whilst the pious and learned maintain contrary 
 doctrines, the simple uninitiated will think for them- 
 selves, or not rest implicitly on the creed of vascilla- 
 ting professors. .-.r.-l 
 
 Let the learned in the schools "justify the ways of 
 God to man," not perplex the timid with their erudite 
 opinions or tenets. The unlearned may arrive at the 
 goal of eternity without the aid of modem new lights, 
 or olden revived prejudices, those ignis fatui which 
 bewilder the paths of the pilgrim's progress to another 
 and a better world. 
 
 Lady Hester Stanhope, related to Mr Pitt, was an 
 eccentric enthusiast. Mons. Lamartine found her in 
 Syria, located in retirement, with the dress and man- 
 ners of the natives of Syria. Her chief delight was 
 centered in the possession of an asinine animal splen- 
 didly caparizoned, kept expressly in the full expecta- 
 tion of the second advent of the Messiah, who she 
 predicted would reenter Jerusalem on his back. The 
 force of infatuation, or madness, could no farthei* ,<!;<>.
 
 90 
 
 Hypocrisy is the deference which vice pays to 
 virtue, or the veil to hide sinister thoughts or actions, 
 like the assassins of Julius Caesar, who prostrated 
 themselves at his feet to destroy him more securely. 
 The mask may be worn for a time, whilst falsehood 
 and dissimulation are in temporary success, but when 
 torn away by truth and exposed by reason how hideous 
 is the portraiture of the base counterfeit in all his 
 original deformity. 
 
 Charles the Ninth, of France, a young king of in- 
 famous memory, furnishes a sad instance. He paid a 
 visit to Admiral Coligny after he had been shot at and 
 wounded in the streets of Paris (by his orders), 
 accosted him thus: " You, my dear friend have re- 
 ceived the wound, but is / who suffer. That same 
 night a council was held, who decided a general 
 massacre of the Protestants at midnight on the eve of 
 Saint Bartholomew's day, when one hundred thousand 
 were butchered by the myrmidoms of this devil king. 
 He died in all the horrors of despair and a guilty soul. 
 Catherine de Medicis, with the conjunction of the 
 Romish Pontiff, were the infernal agents of this, and 
 many other minor tragedies. History abounds with 
 records of weakness and wickedness — permitted for a 
 time. 
 
 The surest way to' enforce obedience to the governors 
 is to obtain the esteem of the governed for the laws and 
 ordinances of the land. The frequency of punishments 
 is a sign of weakness or idleness in a government. Its 
 relative good is the population; when they diminish in
 
 91 
 
 numbers, or increase in vice, especially in drunkenness 
 and it is not discouraged, the state declines. 
 
 The people never rebel against the laws unless the 
 Grovernment first commence by encroaching or tyran- 
 nijiing over the property and liberty of the subject. 
 In such cases the people recover their rights and re- 
 sume their influence; the power should ever remain 
 with the former. 
 
 The law is the wholesome organ of the consenting 
 will of all, established by natural equality between 
 men. The poor must be protected against the domina- 
 tion of the rich. The more multifarious are the laws, 
 the less are they respected. It introduces fresh re- 
 strictions without correcting the first. When expen- 
 diture and corruption augment or pervade all the 
 departments the people will at least mumur and utter 
 with a sigh, " All our evils arise from those whom we 
 pay for protecting us from them." Those laws are 
 most important when engraved on the hearts of the 
 citizens, for they will be maintained in the spirit as in 
 the letter. This is the healthy constitution of the state 
 acquiring daily strength, irresistible, all powerful. It 
 cements the love and esteem with the cooperative 
 labors of all classes of the community; such is the state 
 of Great Britain. Esta perpetua. 
 
 What is man? Formed for great attainments yet 
 ever imperfect. " He never is, but always to he blest." 
 Somewhat an absurd animal. In his vices abominable. 
 His few virtues not devoid of silliness. He has 
 religion without devotion; philosophy without wisdom;
 
 92 
 
 the divine passion, love, too oft without true affection ; 
 anger without real cause; wit without discretion. In 
 old age we see avarice united to wealth; letchery, gout, 
 and impotency, like three palsied monkeys, or as many 
 London apprentices, driving to perdition. It is not 
 rare to hear deep politicians, with second childishness, 
 zealous in the great cause of national welfare and pub- 
 lic virtue. They will declaim in the country's cause, 
 and vote away most magnanimously the public treasure, 
 rather tenacious of their own, sometimes hermetically 
 sealed in the breeches pocket. 
 
 The web of our existence is of a mingled yarn of 
 weal and woe interwoven. Our virtues would assume 
 pride were they not scourged by our faults. Our 
 crimes and errors would lead one to despair were they 
 not cherished and consoled by our virtues, which 
 quietly strive within us for ascendancy, like the still 
 voice of incense breathing morn. 
 
 My brethren; ye who lord it over the gentler sex; 
 allow me to maintain my conviction of their superiority 
 over us in piety, morals, truth, candour, charity, and in 
 the train of graces. We must laud them for these 
 virtues, whilst their manners and personal charms 
 attract our admiration. The exceptions that may occur 
 do not infringe the rule, which are caused by the sterner 
 sex, who ought and act almost universally as the pror 
 tectors of God's fairest works. Man is stronger, physically 
 braver, and constituted to guard and love the fair as 
 they are formed to please, to cherish him in his cares 
 through life.
 
 93 
 
 Base and unworthy to live is Le who can neglect, 
 desert, or cause her heart to droop in sorrow, to wit- 
 ness her bright eyes sutfused in tears, perhaps unre- 
 pining in silent woe, to crop the fair flower, then cast it 
 like a loathsome weed away. He is a monster disguised, 
 or disgraced in huimin form. She will be blest here- 
 after; what may befal or await his demerits is less 
 certain, not less to be dreaded. 
 
 Our first parent thus addresses Eve : 
 
 " But neither breath of morn, when she ascends 
 With charm of earliest birds, nor herb, fruit, flower, 
 Guttering with dew, nor fragrance after showers, 
 Nor grateful evening mild, nor silent niglit 
 With this her solemn bird, nor walk by moon, 
 Or glittering starhght, without thee is sweet.' 
 
 An abler artist can paint the subject and pex'haps 
 draw his conclusions clearer. He may describe the 
 sun shedding his potent influence on this mighty 
 conglomeration. 
 
 Although he cannot quite portray 
 The scene as it may melt away. 
 
 INTEMPERANCE IN EATING. 
 
 Life is no more retjuired to be passed in a round of 
 selt-denial than in constant sensual enjoyments. We 
 should endeavour to deny ourselves what is improper, 
 and therefore practisi- tliis virtue and forego what
 
 94 
 
 would delight us, and not abuse the gifts of Providence 
 or debase ourselves in excess. The fewer our wants 
 the more independent we are. When fancy and a 
 voluptuous appetite multiply our necessities we become 
 degenerate, verified by the increase of disease the mes- 
 senger of death; some are voracious, load themselves 
 with food unlike the beasts who are moderate in the 
 indulgence of appetite. Wherever the utmost simpli- 
 city of diet is partaken, the greatest length of life has 
 been attained. The stomach being overloaded disten- 
 sion and fullness of the vessels ensues, the fibres 
 become relaxed,, the circulation languid, perspiration 
 is diminished, and obstructions are created, the humours 
 become viscid and soon corrupt and disorganise. There 
 are not many proprietors of estates who can afford the 
 expense of what is called an elegant table, which sub- 
 jects one not only to the original cost, but the waste of 
 the luxuries set before us. By frugal meals disease 
 and pain are easily prevented, both very diflScult to 
 cure. Our decay advances insensibly, the approaches 
 of death are as gentle as those of sleep, the passions 
 are calmed, the lusts subdued, and the purity of the 
 heart preserved. 
 
 The fashion for dining later and later every day will 
 end in deferring that meal till to-morrow, or to trans- 
 pose dinners for the night suppers in the morning. 
 Life is a parenthesis between birth and death. 
 In the reign of Augustus the notorious glutton 
 Apicius poisoned himself for fear of starving, having 
 only 250,000 crowns remaining in his coffers.
 
 95 
 DRUNKENESS. 
 
 t)runkeness renders a man contemptible in appear- 
 ance, prevents the repose of confidence in him Ic^st he 
 should betray your interests, the crafty have an undue 
 advantage over him. He need uot require a stronger 
 argument to reclaim him against this vice, thau a view 
 of himself in a fit of intoxication The health of a 
 hard drinker must suffer. Every bout is a fever at the 
 time, a good constitution may escape delirium tremens, 
 or sudden death by apoplexy, or other appliances : sO 
 may the soldier be saved from the ball in the battle 
 field, a solitary exception to the rule, a sort of gam- 
 bling speculation to confide in^ But the debauche soon 
 finds disrelish -for his plainest food, his strength 
 decayed, his frame wasted, the mind becomes sensibly 
 affected, he descends to idiotism or madness, through a 
 long course of excess man is a mere driveller, and the 
 sequence is premature death. 
 
 Some drink to raise the spirits, but this artificial 
 stimulus depresses and weakens them. The inflaming 
 potions through the veins tends to lewdness irrespec*^ 
 tive of fornication or adultery, anger contention and 
 scurrility are offences into which they may be betrayed^ 
 indeed we seldom see drinking to excess unattended by 
 strife and provocation. If we desire to be brought to 
 n dislike of wine behold ! the indecencies of the 
 drunken, when we employ ourselves usefully or 
 innocently, we need not fly to wine as a resource, 
 even under cares and afllictions, We must avoid the 
 society of such as are addicted to this vice, for our pre- 
 
 K
 
 96 
 
 ftcnce would be construed as a tacit reproach, unless 
 wc partook of the revelry. Let us not injure our 
 liealth by toasting that of our convivials, nor allow so 
 much of that to tuiter our mouth to steal away our 
 senses. Inordinate eating or drinking is the common 
 cause of apoplexy. Spirituous liquors are highly inju- 
 riou.i to health. The abuse of malt liquor disposes 
 chiefly to that disease. Eat sparingly, and less of 
 aiiimai than of vegetable food. Avoid strong wines 
 and beer ; eschew suppers ; take strong exercise, we 
 shall not then require medicine as a counter irritation 
 to a system deranged by imprudence. 
 
 The habits of the community of England as far as 
 regards this vice have not progressed favourably. 
 Ardent spirits of deleterious compound form the staple 
 of the working man. The drams of juniper berry juice 
 and vitriol are insidoous poisons. The state, the gin 
 spinner, and the distiller divide the honor and profits 
 of this debasing trade, in which poverty and disease 
 are considerable shareholders, not unmixed with crime. 
 Temperance and teetotalism will ere long prostrate 
 these temples and palaces reared on, the folly of its 
 devotees and victims. A patient in St. Thomas's 
 Hospital, a coalheaver, told the medical attendant the 
 quantum of his ordinary daily potations, when in a 
 working condition, consisted of one pint of porter and 
 one glass of gin per hour consecutively. 
 
 Several thousand inebriated sons of Bacchus are in 
 the course of each year brought before the notice of the 
 metropolitan magistrates. 
 
 Ireland and America have began and seem to porsc-
 
 97 
 
 vere in the laudatory practice of temperaiu'c and 
 sobriety ; yet may it not be carried to extreme? ? Let 
 us consider. The grape of tlie luxuriant vim- was 
 assuredly bestowed on man to be pressed and tasted 
 temperately, to invigorate tlie frame and gladden the 
 heart; giving him as Holy Writ says, a rheerful coun- 
 tenance. The voluptuary indulges without restraint 
 until he finds his frame reduced to a mi>5erable collapse. 
 Hypochondriasm attacks the fancied invalid : he suffers 
 from indigestion, or a depression oi" the animal and 
 vital functions, from anxiety or over exertion of mind 
 and body. Rest for a time and nutritive food, with a 
 mind unruffled are good restoratives, unless the system 
 be irreparably prostrated. 
 
 The labouring poor are di'iven to the beersbop", for 
 their invigorating amusements have been wrested from 
 thein one by one. The cottage garden has in ma»y 
 instances vanished ; their cricket grounds are tak^^n 
 away ; commons enclosed ; thus forlorn and without 
 legitimate means of relaxation they become besotted, 
 demoralized, and brutalized in those dens ; the focii of 
 the thief and burglar. 
 
 The outbreak in Monmouth proceeded from a beer- 
 shop in that town ; such establishments are mischievous 
 to society, and should be discouraged by legislation, 
 which can much easier prevent than cure publie 
 evils. 
 
 No tumults would occur, men would be ever quiet, 
 If well employ'd, kind rul'd, with ample diet. 
 
 The old system in farming establishments has under- 
 
 K 2
 
 98 
 
 gone a serious change, since the labourers who formerly 
 found a domicile under the roof of his master is now 
 driven for shelter to a neighbour stranger, or consigned 
 to pothouse or beershop fraternity. 
 
 PRUDENCE. 
 
 Small by degrees, and gradually less, 
 
 As wasteful follies get us in a mess. 
 
 Then, nothing is the zero of the fool. 
 
 Who gets in debt whilst he should live by rule, 
 
 And squaring all his means to ev'ry want. 
 
 May say to fortune, should she frown, avaunt! 
 
 Let us be warn'd by such a profligate. 
 
 Nor postpone our retrenchment till too late; 
 
 From vicious courses ruin takes its date. 
 
 Great Britain has enjoyed more luxury, corruption, 
 and taxation than any other nation ; yet those who 
 have founded their presages of her decline by the 
 analogies from other states have happily failed in their 
 logical inferences. She has many points d'appui to rest
 
 99 
 
 upon; resources such as are unavailable by those coun- 
 tries quoted as examples. Two great sources of 
 strength are coal and iron. The bond of union, cou- 
 rage and patriotism. The national credit, freedom of 
 the press and trial by jury are mutually preservative of 
 each other; the sinews of the body corporate. The sun 
 doth not set on her possessions. As all human institu- 
 tions are imperfect let us be reconciled to minor evils 
 which may beset us from without, and appreciate the 
 good we may insure within, and rather bear the ills we 
 have than fly to others that we know not of. 
 
 Freedom is rarely inherited by a people, they raise 
 themselves to liberty, which when earned is best en- 
 joyed. A nation is not free where reforms are neu- 
 tralized by undue corrupt iniluence, and rendered abor- 
 tive where factions take different roads to one goal. 
 Neither can she be free from turmoil and danger whilst 
 the rulers will not feel for the people until they are 
 compelled to feel with those who complain, when it 
 becomes too late to concede what would then be en- 
 forced. That nation is enslaved that is bought by its 
 own consent and sold against it, and where from high 
 to low, from the noble to the peasant. Religion is a 
 matter of indifference to one, and with the other a subject 
 of fanaticism. In this enlightened j\ge it may be 
 found salutary- to curb freedom, from extending to 
 licentiousness, and restrain the democratic spirit within 
 the confines of a limited well organized monarchy, best 
 fftted for an iu) proved state of society, as well as 
 counteracting and repressing ambition amongst the 
 
 K o
 
 100 
 
 oligarclis, happily controlled since the overthrow of 
 the feudal system and its concomitant abuses. 
 
 Fashion, the queen of simples, wearing the livery of 
 foUy, has relaxed much in the austerities practised and 
 enforced in the days of our revered parents. We all 
 remember when neither sex could pay or receive visits 
 without a puif preliminary from the frizeur, and being 
 encumbered with fat and flour kneaded into the hair. 
 Ladies dressing for a ball must then undergo a two 
 hours sitting under the hands of this onion tainted 
 garlic eating barber on the previous night, besides 
 training and tormenting the scapula for a fortnight 
 prior with a stuffed cushion and black pins; one night's 
 rest was sacrificed to fashion in order to make the next 
 night a sacrifice to foUy in the crowded saloon. It was 
 a hairbtained age. 
 
 We pity the Chinese ladies who are confined at home 
 by tight shoes and bandages; yet our fair country- 
 women by tight lacing impede the functions of the 
 animal system, and injure the juvenile offspring. Pre- 
 mature death is not an unfrequent occurrence. Modern 
 dandies resort to this constricting distinction with 
 corsets or braces. The human form is thus dis- 
 torted and disfigured, the spine and ribs contorted. 
 Can we imagine that a living resemblance of the statue 
 of Venus de Medicis, or Apollo Belvidere, could be 
 improved by ligatures and compressing bandages? 
 Qui bono ? 
 
 The practice of giving vails at a friendly visit is now
 
 101 
 
 happily abrogated, and we escape the penalty and 
 penance of running the gauntlet through a hall of laced 
 mendicants for fees. At these formal ceremonious 
 dinners whence probably no cards of invitation would 
 be issued in the event of the party wanting a good 
 meal, or had not the means and appliances to return 
 the compliment to the host. 
 
 The man of pleasure may be designatexi with greater 
 propriety the creature of pain. He pays for his grati- 
 fication and repentance at an enormous rate, and dis- 
 poses the reversion of real ease and comfort for the 
 perishable reality of sated ephemeral enjoyments for a 
 poor boon indeed; a quoi bon. 
 
 " OflFeud not modesty on no pretence, 
 For want of decency is want of sense." 
 
 Society in the sphere of life demands all our energies 
 lor mutual usefulness. He who secludes liimself in 
 cells, to flagellation, and f\uuine, to earn an immortal 
 crown deceiveth himself. " Who hath required tliis at 
 your hands ?" This question should make him pause 
 before he inflicts stripes or uses the horsehaii- vestment. 
 Beware of hypocrisy, God is not mocked. Tlie social 
 genuine spirit of Christianity lias been misused by 
 fools and knaves. The day is past (we trust) when 
 pseudo Saints could travel post to paradise by the 
 smack of the whip on their devoted carcases; as if 
 virtue were only skin deep, and devotion like a top to 
 be kept up by flogging. About as ridiculous or irra- 
 tional as the required self inflictions of Saucho Panza
 
 102 
 
 to the tune of two tliousand and odd stripes to disen- 
 chant Dulcinea del Toboso, who had no existence but 
 in the small brain, or cerebellum, of the bewildered 
 Knight of La Mancha, Don Quixotte. 
 
 The advances in knowledge discover the simple 
 primary rules that regulate the apparently endless and 
 multiplied works of the Deity ; to whom time is as a 
 moment, all space as a point. He fills both, yet is not 
 bounded by either. He sees at a glance the infinite 
 arrangements; he has deci'ced an immutable principle 
 conducing to and producing the highest happiness by 
 the best means. God is as great in works of miniature 
 as in those of magnitude. Even the limbs of a fly are 
 fitted up and organised with as much power and skill as 
 the air pump, or the planet we inhabit ; and by the same 
 wondrous hand that has created suns of various sys- 
 tems, and placed them at such vast distance from our 
 planet; cause and eifect with the Creator are but sim- 
 ultaneous. The highest knowledge is but the shortest 
 road to truth in mundane acquirements and skill. 
 
 " No news is good news " is but a negative projjosi- 
 tion in the abstract. No news are good for nothing, 
 non est, unless for trying the patience of an ardent 
 lover or a fond husband in absence or abeyance expect- 
 ing letters and putting to the test anxiety or suspense 
 excited by delay or dearth of news from those we love. 
 Hope deferred : when one expects to receive bad news 
 and our correspondent is silent that by analogy may be 
 called good news. The reduction in the postage
 
 103 
 
 charges brings us news which would never have other' 
 wise reached us. It has opened a channel to a flood of 
 intercourse, an interchange of mutual advantage in 
 matters of business, tending to increase the endearing 
 reunion of social friendships, especially amongst those 
 who were hitherto debai*red from this comfort, by want 
 of means pecuniary, it was an exorbitant tax on cor- 
 respondence, the humbler classes can now communicate 
 with their equals end superiors. A bon frais. 
 
 It is a maxim more trite than true, that when a city 
 abounds with physicians the population becomes dimi- 
 nished : if this were true in efl[ect they are skilful in 
 cures for repletion chiefly, and thus reducing the nurn^ 
 ber of their patients. A second-i-ate or second-hand 
 disciple of JEsculapius boasted to a lady that his 
 patients never complained of his mode of treatment 
 presuming they were satisfied. Doctor, replied the 
 fair one archly, how can they complain in " that bourn 
 from whence no travellers return," nor are lamenta- 
 tions heard from patients who have been hurried to 
 their tomb. 
 
 " A reformed rake makes the best husband," the 
 exceptions to this rule are abundant : I knoAv one 
 lady who made the dangerous experiment, and suC' 
 ceeded in a happy union with a very unexceptionable 
 
 individual. The late R il II 1 relaimed and 
 
 retained in his service a man servant who had robbed 
 him of plate. A Magdalen has frequently been re- 
 stored to virtue and connubial happiness. (Nil
 
 104 
 
 desperandum.) 'Tis said there is joy in heaven over 
 a repentant sinner, happy are they who can withdraw 
 him from the paths of error and perhaps save a soul 
 from perdition. A marital phoenix is a rara avis in 
 former or modern times. 
 
 Argumentum. Baculinum or club law. When you 
 cannot confute or convince your antagonist in wrang- 
 ling it has been advised in some of the schools pugnans 
 to knock him down, by thus overturning the orator you 
 prostrate his ideas, they both sink together, the subject 
 in dispute drops with the man, he will feel less inclined 
 to resume the argument than to recover his legs. 
 
 " He that's convinc'd against his will 
 Remains to be convinced still." 
 
 Woman the finest work of creation, constituted for 
 the companionship of man, not as the slave of his pas- 
 sions, yet to assist him in the toils of life, to soothe him 
 with her tenderness, and recompense his care of her by 
 soft endearments. Her eye bespeaks softnass and 
 loveliness. Discretion is seated on her brow. Happy 
 the man who is possessed of such a bride, he should 
 cherish her as a gift from heaven, the fruit of their 
 union will endear her still more to his heart. A 
 lovely and loving bride embracing her first-born, ad- 
 ministering life's sustenance Irom her fair bosom and 
 gently soothing the innocent to repose, is a delightful 
 tableau to contemplate, alike grateful to the eyes and 
 heart. May we not venture to embellish the pictures 
 in imagination, and depict the spirit of peace, shedding
 
 105 
 
 its sacred hallo around the head of the fond mother, as 
 she smiles on the curled darling, the cherub on her 
 breast with the imprint of an angel on its smiling face I 
 It is a touching spectacle ! the parent ol" a family 
 surrounded by her children whilst regulating the 
 household. Public virtue is best acquired and 
 preserved by conjugal fidelity, by that solemn tie which 
 repudiates clandestine unions, and illicit liaisons alike 
 delusive and derogatory to our best and dearest 
 interests, our social duties towards each other. 
 
 Man in thoughts words and actions should never 
 forget that he is entrusted with what is enclosed with- 
 in him, a treasure of inestimable value, his precious 
 soul ! let him guard it from pollution and injury, 
 and implore the Being who has bestowed it for his 
 aid, to preserve it spotless, untainted. We may 
 strive, although none can attain perfection, and trust 
 for the consummation of good to its author, the Omni- 
 potent. He who is all perfection can alone make his 
 creatures pure and holy. 
 
 Conquerors and rats being a predatory race must 
 expect no mercy in misfortunes. We may include 
 political rats Avho secede from patriotism to self interest 
 and degredation. ^o/iocination cannot justify such 
 apostacy by any longtailed arguments of dishonest 
 sophistry. 
 
 Let not the sun go duiC7i upon your wrath, neither 
 let your conlidence always rise with it. We should 
 foi'give readily but forget slowly. Revenge should
 
 106 
 
 never enter the breast j if harboured there a storm will 
 burst forth which may be uncontrollable j yet we may 
 remember an injury on our own account, to be on our 
 guard against a renewal or repetition. To forgive 
 offences and to be reconciled to those who have injured 
 us achieves a victory surpassing that in the field of 
 battle, where brute force alone is employed ; there the 
 soul displays its power* 
 
 Those who pry and search for secrets have no desire 
 to keep them longer than the first opportunity which 
 may offer to disburden themselves of the gossip treasure, 
 or stores of tittle tattle. Like spendthrifts who covet 
 money for the purpose of circulation, they have no 
 mental reservation, cannot contain themselves, and 
 Would burst with spleen if they could not divulge, and 
 give vent to secrets, incautiously entrusted to them. 
 
 Alchymy, in theory or allegory^ is the philosopher's 
 stone, pretending to transmute the baser metals into 
 gold. Quite impracticable in the abstract, yet the 
 industry of our island transforms iron and copper into 
 the currency, the circulating precious coins, by perse- 
 vering labor, and they prove richer mines to us than 
 those of Meicico to Spain the mother country. Provi* 
 dence has allotted thought, exercise, and toil to man- 
 kind, they are blessings in disguise, although practised 
 in the sweat of tlie brow, or in mental exertion ; yet 
 superior in intrinsic value, are golden opinions acquired 
 by the honest suffrage of approving fellow members of 
 society, they contain no alloy, and are more to be prized
 
 107 
 
 than gold or precious .stones. The divination of 
 ulchymy and the occult sciences has misled many san- 
 guine dreamers and enthusiasts to effect unattainable 
 ends. Perpetual motion is an impossible result to 
 obtain here, where the means are finite, the materials 
 destructible and perishable. 
 
 Envy is rendered gloomy not only by its own cloud 
 but by his neighbour's sunshine. He who nurtures this 
 morbid passion may exclaim with Milton, " dark, dark, 
 amidst the blaze of noon." In despair through his own 
 malice, and tormented by another's prosperity, he 
 would fixin fly from himself to perdition. He gnashes 
 his teeth, he bites a file, and stands alone in a popu- 
 lous circle. Shame hinders him from venting his 
 spleen, and detraction to his kinsman or neiglibour. 
 
 Un ennuye pense et parle ainsi, 
 
 Le tems passee ma fait rougir. Le present me gene. 
 
 L' avenir me donne esperance de 1' eternite, 
 
 Qui peiit seul me consoler. 
 
 Heraldic titles and entails not unfrequently damage 
 the possessor, giving him a false lustre, an abortive 
 pride, with a station of superiority (not per excellence) 
 over his equals, which is reluctantly conceded. The 
 bead of a noble is oft confused from the artificial posi- 
 tion in which he is placed by succession. His ideas 
 are illusive in the glare of wealth and title whilst 
 drawing obsequious deference from subordinate depen- 
 dents. His existence is a sinecure too often vain and 
 
 i>
 
 108 
 
 sensual, the beau ideal of inutilitarism, of such there 
 are a few. 
 
 The sire is made a peer, the son a fool ; 
 There are some few exceptions to the rule. 
 
 Titles entailed by primogeniture should undergo muti- 
 lation ; they now and then entail a degenerate offspring, 
 engross the paternal revenues. The first born excludes 
 the minors from patrimony; the favored heir to his 
 possessions oft annexes pride, idleness, and profligacy 
 in many instances within our purview. Dr. Johnson 
 remarked that primogeniture possessed one advantage, 
 " it only made one fool in a family." 
 
 What can ennoble sots, or slaves, or cowards, 
 Alas, not all the blood of all the Howards. 
 
 The honorable well-earned titles of distinction, as 
 kings, governors, judges, generals, admirals, &c., and 
 such as are familiar to our ears as household words, are 
 properly bestowed and impersonate the man with his 
 office or station in society, and form component links of 
 the great social chain; but these are not hereditary, 
 with the exception of the regal descent members and 
 branches of our kings. The honorable and noble 
 families who have earned and preserved their titles and 
 names unsullied, are eminently useful in their high 
 position in the political or domestic sphere which they 
 adorn; educating and qualifying the young scions to 
 fill the various important public or private posts as 
 their varied talents or disposition may furnish occasion.
 
 109 
 
 They also present an imposing barrier to the inroads 
 of democracy and licentiousness, uphold the dignity of 
 a limited popular monarchy, resisting and frustrating 
 every attempt on the liberties and welfare of their 
 country. A title gives no license for pride, too often 
 its appendant, a sort of nole me tangere sensitiveness, 
 more odious from the less necessity which exists for 
 such pretensions. The sensual pursuits of some small 
 portion of hereditary ignobies are too conspicuous to 
 be unnoticed, although the order of aristocracy is entitled 
 to reverence, and opportunities have been aiforded me 
 of frequent intercourse with many truly honorable 
 worthy members of the class distinguee. 
 
 The industrious virtuous sections of our population 
 view those black sheep of the high grades with pity 
 and regret at the commixture of gentlemen by birth 
 and education with the base and worthless. Some 
 pretend to foresee that the vaunted " Corinthian order 
 of polished community" will merge and become incor- 
 porate with the Tuscan and Doric (or plebean orders), 
 and thus range in fraternal equality in the same colon- 
 nades of society. 
 
 It has been rumoured that some of the female clique 
 propose to take out game licenses to enable them to 
 pursue intrigue or badinage freely and in immunity. 
 Non credo. The world grows older but not wiser. 
 Should we not take shame to ourselves for persisting 
 to adopt or follow the bygone errors and vices of 
 grandfathers and grannies ? allowing our puckered 
 faces to grow to wrinkles and remorse. The golden 
 bowl grey with age, though not occupied with a golden 
 
 l2
 
 110 
 
 retrospect of a well spent life — do we not fear 
 biography ? Ah no, her pages are reserved for the 
 good or eminent. But we may have more reason to 
 fear those records which are never obliterated. 
 
 Lady Mary Wortley Montague writes 120 years ago 
 to her own sister, the Countess of Mar, in which letter 
 she says, " The world is revenu de bagatelle." She 
 fears that honoi', virtue, reputation are laid aside and 
 forgotten as crumpled ribands. One fair nymph is 
 stigmatized as a prude, having but two lovers at a time. 
 Others in the ambulatory wanderings in bowery Rich- 
 mond's groves, with sympathizing loves, having antici- 
 pated the nuptial tie. Oh fie ! oh fie ! The return to 
 society, and their reappearance in health and good 
 looks were subjects of rallying gratulation and witticism. 
 Her Ladysliip adds. The Duke of Wharton, Mr 
 Walpole, and others are trying to bring a bill into 
 Parliament to erase the word not from the decalogue, 
 and claj) it into the creed ; but if they had positive 
 commands to do so wrong, persons would not commit 
 adultery, nor bear false witness against their neighbour, 
 with the readiness they now do so through sheer ob- 
 stinacy — not for abhorrence of the wickedness of such 
 malpractices. 
 
 Examples of evil fail to deter many. Good wliole- 
 some advice doth not reclaim or amend the wayward 
 nor convince the depraved. Satire and its sting dis- 
 charges its arrows in vain on votaries of folly. The 
 close of this life or the commencement of that which is 
 to come must be the heeded effective monitor to warn, 
 we hope not too late. Apropos, it occurs to my having
 
 Ill 
 
 heard that the said Duke of Wharton at a dinner party 
 at liis father's, Lord Wharton, who was exceedingly 
 deaf, and called on his profligate son to favor the com- 
 pany with a toast or sentiment. He rose and delivered 
 himself as follows : — 
 
 " May it please God to shorten 
 
 The days of my Lord Wharton, 
 
 And set up his son in his place ; 
 
 He'll drink, and he'll game on, 
 
 Despite Old Nick, try hard for Mammon 
 
 With a grave and fanatical face." 
 
 The deaf old man joined in applauding this filial 
 effusion of his hopeful sprig with the rest of the party 
 of convives. 
 
 " Oh, luxury, thou cursed by heaven's decree, 
 
 How ill exchanged are things like these for thee ! 
 
 How do thy potions with insiduous joy 
 
 DiflFuse thy pleasures only to destroy. 
 
 Kingdoms by thee to sickly greatness grown. 
 
 Boast of a florid vigour not their own. 
 
 At every draught more large and large they grow, 
 
 A bloated mass of rank unwieldy woe, 
 
 Till sapt their strength, and ev'ry part unsound, 
 
 Down, down they sink, and spread a ruin round." 
 
 " Honor and shame from no condition rise, 
 Act well your part, there all the honor lies." 
 
 The national debt of Great Britain may be compared 
 to a monster snow ball increasing as it rolls, and at 
 come distant day will I fear dissolve. It has been ac- 
 
 l3
 
 112 
 
 cumulated partly in recklessness, like a gigantic ava- 
 lanche it may tremble from its base, the fall would 
 alas ! spread far and wide and make thousands desti- 
 tute, this may be deemed a dissolving view a gloomy 
 picture in perspective. 
 
 One of the evils of society in our land is too appar- 
 ent to be unnoticed too prevalent to escape regret : the 
 almost exclusion of young females from those occupa- 
 tions most congenial to the softer sex, now we observe 
 are preoccupied and engrossed by sturdy as well as 
 effeminate youths in the shops and repositories of mer- 
 cers, milliners, linen drapers, &c. &c. 
 
 This derangement of the employ which should fitly 
 appertain to the fair is very unfair, and calls loudly 
 for redress. I would propose their reinstatement by a 
 heavy prohibitory taxation on the unmanly intruders in 
 their province. 
 
 This neglect of the unprotected industrious female 
 classes (where " many a fair flower is bom to blush 
 unseen,") chills their youthful days with poverty and 
 all its train, and often prostitution presents the only 
 sad refuge, the ruinous asylum for their wants and the 
 forerunner of a short wretched existence. 
 
 A want of sympathy, I fear, may be imputed to the 
 ladies of the land who encourage the monopoly of mas- 
 culine substitutes for smiling girls. Patronage is mosi 
 due to their own species, and I would appeal to their 
 first sacred feelings as mothers, in advocacy of an 
 immediate change, and hope they will discourage and 
 discountenance the present system.
 
 113 
 
 It would delight me to see some patriotic establish- 
 ments in the metropolis managed and conducted entirely 
 by females. Two or three sturdy stalwart males may 
 be allowed to assist as clerk or amanuensis ; also in the 
 athletic department to remove bulky goods, collect 
 debts, and to keep watch and ward for protection and 
 guard. It may be urged that a shopman is more alert, 
 and is required every now and then to jump over the 
 counter; a female of course cannot perform these 
 counter feats. What nonsence ; it is no more essential 
 than to dance Jim Crow, or to exhibit any other ma- 
 noeuvre or counter actions. 
 
 LE JEU NE VAUNT PAS LA CHANDELLE. 
 
 The wretched pittance of a milliner, 
 
 Versus the over wealthy millionaire. 
 
 One surfeits in a plethora of riches. 
 
 The other starves in plenitude of stitches. 
 
 Her needle constantly entwined with thread. 
 
 Barely sufficing to procure her bread. 
 
 Let all make shift to go without a shirt, 
 
 And save the ill-paid labors of the fair, 
 
 Who ever steept in poverty and dirt, 
 
 That man a linen chemisette may wear. 
 
 Rather than such of innocence and youth 
 
 Should waste their hours and health for us forsooth^ 
 
 Shirtless may ev'ry scaramouch awake 
 
 Who pays some paltry pennies for its make. 
 
 With ragged flaps and collars rent or torn, 
 
 Whilst females are neglected and forlorn,
 
 114 
 
 Girls with the needle and the thimble 
 Though always squatting, ever nimble, 
 Stitching and sewing on the alert 
 To earn a paltry penny for a shirt. 
 Unpitied may he feel his luckless hide 
 Uncover'd, and full mortified his pride 
 At his bare state, without that envelope. 
 Which females work and starve on without liope. 
 The magnet needle constant to the north, 
 Points with unerring truth unto the pole. 
 Her's sharp and pointed but of little worth. 
 Boring and puncturing a little hole. 
 Her needle has an eye, Oh could it see 
 The anguish of its owner, it would phle- 
 Botomize the taskmasters, and make them feel. 
 For those who ply the thimble and the steel, 
 Pricked sore by conscience and this lancet, 
 The rogues would suffer as they lay or sit. 
 Take pity on those helpless maids ill-star'd, 
 And give to industry its due reward. 
 No longer from its fruits to be debar'd. 
 Let all hard hearted sons of flint 
 Pay for the semptresses hard earned stint. 
 
 To the foregoing objections and hints may be ap- 
 pended the general remonstrance at the employment of 
 foreign servants in large families. Italian singers, 
 artistes de cuisine, de danse, de toilette, de tout a tous, 
 to the discouragement of native energy and talent 
 which often lies neglected by those who in duty bound 
 should promote the advantages of the indigenous of
 
 115 
 
 their own soil, assimilated ia manners, languages, and 
 interests. Alien servants are rarely attached to their 
 masters and mistresses. 
 
 Charles the First felt the annoyance of a horde of 
 French loungers, gentlemen ushers, valets, priests, &c. 
 at the Palace, Whitehall. In his absence durins: the 
 civil strife he sent peremptory orders from Oaking to 
 employ some companies of the Guards to turn them all 
 out and send them home on shipboard, which with 
 some trouble was soon effected. His Queen, Henrietta, 
 was compelled to do penance at Tyburn, and to walk 
 there barefooted, by these French Catholics, to do 
 honor to the Saint of the day, and to say peccavi for- 
 sooth, for having eaten venison on the eve of St. John 
 the Baptist. All venial offences were conimutable by 
 Peter's pence and penance. 
 
 A KETTLE OF FISH. 
 
 The London fishmongers are more justly charged 
 with sell Jishness than any other class of tradesman in 
 the vocabulary, and derive larger profits, they exercise 
 their craft from sunrise to iw'iWghi Jiouiiderwg amongst 
 the finny fry of the mighty waves, taking in orders and 
 cash, sending otit their dead stock in retail, all which 
 had been hookt alive or dragged ashore from the waters 
 of the deep sea or rivers shallow, either in wanton sport 
 or w^anting food. Some of their piscatorial customers
 
 116 
 
 are at times crabbed crusty aceous and testy aceous 
 when fishes ai'e scarce in mart and shy at bait. 
 
 When soles are dear or turbot high, 
 John Dory unfit to boil or fry, 
 Mackerel without taste or roe, 
 Salmon and lobsters quite so so, 
 Then fish for dinner they forego, 
 To epicures sad source of woe. 
 Ostracide Dando shew'd his brazen face. 
 Bouncing he only wanted a good place, 
 Or large turbot, if promised on tick. 
 But Griffin* threatened Dando with a kick. 
 Unless he took the hint, and cut his stick. 
 Thornbacks, thornbutt, turbot, or tittle bat. 
 Whether red herring, or a little sprat. 
 All's fish that fills his net, e'en lean or fat. 
 
 AFFINITY IN SEXUAL CONVENTION. 
 
 The devil's finger is in every pie. 
 Lurking in beauty's dimple, from whose eye 
 Darts radiant fires to warm the lover's breast. 
 And give impassion'd ardour its true zest. 
 To hearts enamour'd with fair virtue's charm, 
 Then kindred spirits sound a soft alarm. 
 As when a spark ignites the torpid briars, 
 The crackling flames spread all around its fires. 
 And lovers boson)s burn with chaste desires. 
 
 * A fishmonger at Brightyn.
 
 117 
 
 Keep within compass, and you shall be sure 
 To avoid many evils which others endure- 
 
 A very sensible old adage ; the habit or practice 
 which it inculcates is more exercised in the breach than 
 the observance. The precept imposes a wholesome 
 restraint on the frivolous ones, requiring a sacrifice of 
 such indulgencies as may be deemed too dearly earned 
 by loss of time, credit, and health. Alas, the transition 
 from competency to dependence mortifies our pride, 
 injures our worldly interests. Yet it does occur that 
 such reverses bring their advantages ; for as every de- 
 light has its alloy, the equilibrium is maintained 
 throughout all grades. A privation of worldly good 
 things is not absolute loss, and can be easily reconciled 
 with. Possessions of riches and honors do not confer 
 happiness, they require to be protected by a number of 
 auxiliaries, not unfrcquently pernicious to the possessor, 
 such as dependence, anxiety, ennui, satiety, ill health, 
 and a train of subaltern troubles and minor evils which 
 proud flesh is heir to. The real blessings of life com- 
 prise a sound body, with a well organized humble mind. 
 The compendious abstract of human felicity, a state of 
 health and worthiness. How little is required to make 
 us contented. How much is often wasted to render 
 us miserable. In the absence of actual prosperity, and 
 what in the nomenclature of the world are called enjoy- 
 ments, much real happiness may be derived from the 
 powers of the imagination, indulging in the retrospect 
 of an eventful life, and in the prospect of that which 
 will have no end.
 
 118 
 
 The path of sorrow, and that path alone, 
 Leads to the land where sorrow is unknown. 
 No traveller here has reached that blest abode, 
 Who found not thorns or briars on the road. 
 Virtue alone fears not to die, 
 Superior to the tyrant's sway. 
 Confess'd in native majesty, 
 And charms unknowing to decay, 
 Then smiling on her votive throng. 
 Shines to dispel the lover's care, 
 Sheds purest graces on the young. 
 And brightest radiance on the fair. 
 
 Every man h:- own executor is my own idiom which 
 I would recommend for general adoption, first because it 
 will be granted a great source of satisfaction to witness 
 the distribution of your property amongst those you 
 hold most dear whilst you are spared, to see that you 
 contribute to their well doing ; also to f?ave them the 
 expences of legacy duty on lieritablr- prop(M-ty. It will 
 also prevent those posthumous tnils of litigation 
 amongst legatees and trustees disputing the validity of 
 wills and codicils, and sinking into a Chancery suit 
 where the property may lay perdue to i/ok, but trans- 
 lerred and swallowed up by Masters of tlie Rolls, barris- 
 ters, lawyers, &c. 8ic. Widows may sigh, they and 
 their orphans may perisli, bo destitute. Qu' importe. 
 They may be at rest. Hope deferrf^d nor poverty 
 troubles them no longer.
 
 119 
 
 The Star Chamber and the court of inquisition of 
 past times have inflicted horrors on the lives and liber- 
 ties of man. Tribunals of our days dare not f>erpotrate 
 such cruelties, but they can by negligence or cupidity 
 deprive the young and aged of their inheritance and 
 suffer them to Avant bread. Governments being ever 
 prompt to levy heavy imposts on the public. It is in- 
 cumbent on the taxed to lighten and lessen the burden 
 when we cannot throw it off, and evade a legacy duty, 
 and the tax on administrators, chargeable on such pro- 
 perty at the disposal of the testator. Taxes may be 
 legitimate but like wars not always just and necessary, 
 witness the excise on spirits, so destructive of the morals, 
 health, and impoverished resources, of the labouring 
 poor. 
 
 When we plunge with fool-hardiness and temerity 
 into a vortex of dangers, and find too late that fortune 
 is fickle and the world not so prompt to succour and to 
 save the wretched, or that men betray and are not trust- 
 \vorthy, we flounder and struggle to extricate ourselves 
 like the mouse in a tar-barrel ; (mus in pice !) we may- 
 come out defiled to outward appearance in tlie eyes of 
 an uncharitable world, yet the struggle may have proved 
 highly servicable to the probationer, and give him 
 .strength to conquer every care. 
 
 Rhetoric when falling in gentle streams of eloquence 
 from a good voice a pure heart and an intelligent orator 
 is persuasive delighting the auditory, when poured forth 
 in overflowing torrents copious and inflated, the atten- 
 tive reflecting listener is dissatisfied often by wily and
 
 120 
 
 powerful sophistry, many are biassed and misled whose 
 suffrages would otherwise lead to contrary conclusions. 
 Many of the evils of society grow out of deducing from 
 false promises ; it is important to be able to detect and 
 expose such falacious reasoners. 
 
 The crimes of bad ministers have escaped punishment 
 from the effects of sophistry, few or no wars could occur 
 if this triumphant delusion were early detected in the 
 speeches aud statements of such orators, who too often 
 mislead and betray. In the senate many members un- 
 known to fame, " who ne'er will mark the marble with 
 their name," restrict their oratorical attempts to inter- 
 jections and interruptions, oh ! oh ! ha ! ha ! with a 
 cough efforce : these are vented forth when a speaker 
 utters unpalatable truths, and expressive of their dis- 
 dain at the argument : their impatience to give their 
 votes, long ago bespoke by interest or faction, ignorance 
 or indifference to their country's good. These are 
 Avorse than nonentities. Are they not enemies in dis- 
 guise ? or wolves in sheep's clothing ? 
 
 DUELLING. 
 
 A duellist is a knave for attempting to take away 
 life, and a fool as well as a rogue for exposing the loss 
 of his own on false and barbarous notions, (principles 
 are out of the question) satisfaction is demanded for an 
 alledged affront, a breath of a taint on honor, veracity, 
 or some lady-love, often on the occasion of the seduction 
 of a friends wife : he calls on the aggrieved husband to 
 allow himself to be immolated at the shrine of adultery,
 
 121 
 
 he is required to be shot at by the scouiidrtl seducer 
 already pointed at by the finger of public ridicule : folly 
 and vice are here very conspicuous, many roues and 
 bullies have thus perished unregretted ; the satL^J action. 
 thus offered to a gentleman would be refused U» a ple- 
 beian, who exercises some sense and thinks powder and 
 ball very dull arguments to decide right and ^vl•ong, a 
 dilemma which ma) be safely and honorably uvoidod by 
 all good men : a casus belli should form the argument. 
 
 The legislature when it disarmed citizens of London 
 of their rapiers some 70 years ago, (prior to which 
 daily atrocities were committed) should have interdicted 
 the use of them, or the pistol, under pain of branding, 
 and transportation to penal coasts. Blockheads would 
 under such a law pocket their paltry affronts or refer 
 them to a tribunal, as in cases of assault and battery. 
 
 Shakspeare says — 
 
 Your words have taken such pains, as if they laboured 
 
 To bring man's laugliter into form, set quarreling 
 
 Upon the head of valour, vrhich indeed 
 
 Is valour raisbegot ; and came into the world. 
 
 When sects and factions were but newly bom. 
 
 He's truly valiant that can wisely suflFer 
 
 The worst that man can breathe : and make his wrongs, 
 
 His outsides, wear them like his raiment carelessly. 
 
 And ne'er prefer his injuries to his heart. 
 
 To bring it into danger. 
 
 This feudal practice took its rise in Italy, where the 
 hatred of the lower classes towards the higher induced 
 the latter to wear swords and daggers concealed, which 
 were not unfrequently employed by assassins for hire in 
 
 M 2
 
 122 
 
 those states. Sir R d W 1 many years ago 
 
 was attacked by one of these bravos at Rome who when 
 he raised his dagger confessed he had mistaken his in- 
 tended victim, Sir Richard's valet de place cooly offered 
 to revenge the insult by stillettoing the man. The acts 
 of atrocity are now never heard of, that country is even 
 as tranquil and contented as the happy land we live in. 
 Can the shedding of blood wash away an insult ? are 
 the rules of courtesy and politeness to be maintained 
 by pistols ? so if an affront or challenge comes from an 
 illbred or one of bad character, you expose your life to 
 teach him better behaviour. 
 
 Duelling' is never resorted to by Christians or philo- 
 sophers, its patrons should at least be gentlemen, which 
 appears to be the the only required qualification : what 
 is sauce for the goose is not in this instance for the 
 gander, for the upper class arrogates to itself the ex- 
 cluding privilege of practising phlebotomy and surgery. 
 They forsooth are only privileged to the honor of 
 pinking or popping off an old acquaintance. What! 
 are the more numerous and better portions of society 
 less susceptible of injuries ? less sensitive when 
 assaulted ? or are they not more cautious of giving and 
 taking offence? more forgiving than vindictive? If 
 every one who sent or provoked a challenge were 
 handed over to the mercies of the tread mill, it would 
 soon reduce the ranks of those self-stiled, self-important 
 men of honor, and give the coup de grace to this ab- 
 surd practice which is as stupid and barbarous as the 
 wager by battle, the ordeal for witchcraft, cock and 
 hull fights ; and neither are they more defensible than
 
 123 
 
 human warfare in the battle field, Tlie Spaniards 
 now engross the pastime of bull fights and gladiators 
 in the vast ai'ena where murder is committed and 
 tolerated, as the poor hired tools who fall in the 
 unequal bloody strife of man with beasts. In the 
 ruffled and angry hour with fellow mortals we view 
 every appeai'ance through a false medium, the minutest 
 point of honour or interest swells them into a 
 momentous object. Let passion or pride subside, and 
 the fabric of a vision which the distempered fancy 
 created, vanishes at once. But then we may have lost 
 a friend and planted perhaps disgust or suspicion in the 
 breast of one now our enemy by the ebullition of tem- 
 per which haply should have been restrained. 
 
 Embrace again, my sons, be foes no more, 
 
 Nor stain your comitry with her children's gore." 
 
 We frown on a once esteemed friend, menace him in 
 a phrase which extorts an angry reply, a challenge is 
 accepted. The arm is raised to rob him of his life ; 
 soon it may be required of the victor. We may be 
 different in opinion and ideas, merely taking another 
 view of the same thing, as the gold and silver shield 
 seen in its obverse and reverse phases by two Knights 
 Irom opposite points. Is that a fitting cause for per- 
 sonal hate. Has my body offended him who determines 
 to destroy it? Has my breast given any offence to 
 him who is eager to sheathe his sword therein ? How 
 can the life-blood of your friend or enemy expiate 
 
 A supposed or even a real injury, 
 By a tcte a tete process of pistolry. 
 
 m3
 
 124 
 
 PILLGARLIC'S PLAINTS OF POVERTY, 
 
 My cornocopia is quite emptied out, 
 How to replenish it I feel a doubt, 
 Whether to stand in statuo precarious. 
 Or to solicit alms like Belisarius. 
 In streets and lanes sing " date obolum," 
 Or live by chicane, and trickery, hum- 
 Bug the credulous, victimize the flats, 
 To raise the wind, to feed my wife and brats. 
 No ; such talents as from heaven I derive. 
 Shall be exemplified, to live and thrive 
 WitJi honor, in our industrious hive. 
 Base is the slave to idleness a prey. 
 Whilst honest toil and labor point the way. 
 To competence and health from day to day. 
 Earned with a ready hand, a clieerful mind. 
 In our pursuits, our dealings with mankind, 
 Where kindred aid and kindness we shall find. 
 
 EXPERIENCIA DOCET. 
 
 Rough rubbing or the rubs of life will polish, 
 Those minds untutored in the school of grief: 
 Adversity whose drubbings few can relish. 
 Unless accompanied with quick relief, 
 Of well brewed ale, witli mutton or roast beef. 
 Then bygones may be scattered to the wind, 
 Forward wtth hope we leave all care behind, 
 To try our mortal strength, the vigour of the mind.
 
 l2o 
 
 AVIS AUX FILLES. 
 
 Lorsq'u eprise de I'amour il ne faut pas, 
 Succomber mes fiUes et faire un faux pas ; 
 Aimez vous ! c'est la voix de la nature : 
 Qui ne respire que les sentimens purs. 
 Mais, rappele toi, des vertus de vos meres 
 Cherissez les conseils, de feu vos peres. 
 
 Amidst the follies and peccadillos of mortals, the 
 males of the creation display the large proportion and with 
 more inununity. Woman is in the ascendant possess- 
 ing the higlier qualities of the heart, she is intuitively 
 more refined, more susceptible of the best imprassions 
 from education precept and example. The ancients in 
 their statues, paintings, and mythological writings 
 thought fit to personate the extremes of virtue and vice 
 in the female. To this postulate one is inclined parti- 
 ally to agree : yet we must admit that the anticlimax 
 of their best attributes the degeneracy of the fair sex 
 is the result of man's misconduct toAvards them in too 
 many instances. When tliey stoop to vice, to what can 
 we ascribe it but to the heartl&ss neglect or desertion 
 of such on whose esteem and affection they had fondly 
 reposed with endearing confidence : their gentler spirits 
 can ill brook the pliglited broken vow, the extinction 
 of the vestal fire, the virgin love I Then the whole 
 tenor of the mind is gone, slirinking in disappointment 
 and despair from the flattering picture of love and hap- 
 piness now veiled from their sight : which one may 
 trace, whilst we sympatliise in the mitoward results of 
 such painful conflicts, in the female youthful breast.
 
 126 
 
 AMERICAN WAR. 
 
 At the close of a life of torturous policy the late 
 
 Lord C m strenuously advocated the war with 
 
 America, and violently deprecated the acknowledge- 
 ment of their independency by this country who drove 
 them to that declaration. The ministry occasioned 
 this unjust war and consequently was the cause of our 
 disasters with tlie loss of the colony, trying to impose 
 the stamp act, and a duty of 3d. per lb. on teas. His 
 lordship's splendid talents dazzled or fascinated his 
 compeers, who yielded their better judgement their 
 amor patria to his power of words and the influence of 
 his piercing eye. The glory (as it has been termed) 
 of his administration produced no advantages to his 
 country. He was vascillating, haughty, and reserved. 
 Public principle was then at a low ebb amongst public 
 men, and the years which have elapsed since his death 
 have we trust brought it to the flood or to the height 
 required. Lord C — m was a meteor which astonished 
 mankind by its splendour but left the community of its 
 sphere in deeper darkness when it expired or past away. 
 
 After an obstinate unfortunate warfare of eight years 
 duration Britain was defeated, and compelled to ac- 
 knowledge the independence of the infant state. The 
 waste of life and treasure are the bitter causes for 
 regret, sorrow, shame and indignation, ever since felt 
 by the mother country : the disgrace and defeat we 
 have been justly entitled to, and must submit in peni- 
 tence to its consequences, with the appendant enormous 
 debt entailed on the nation, about 200 millions precur-
 
 127 
 
 sor to the load of 600 millions superadded since the war 
 with France, &c. The landholder is deep in mortgage 
 at the mercy of the fundholder who may in a few years 
 possess the land, the former being in some cases insolvent 
 yet must pay land tax, tithes, whilst he receives reduced 
 rents, from his fanner tenants, and persists to live 
 luxuriously ; and place his precarious dependence on 
 high priced com, and the sequence of high rentals, 
 which will be abated no doubt ere long. 
 
 Undertakers in Ireland keep a large miscellaneous 
 stock of wooden surtouts, or coffins, ready made in 
 store, varying in quality and size. It is not unusual 
 to observe an honest mechanic making a purchase of 
 the last tenement for a deceased relative, who, had he 
 been alive, would no doubt have done that office for 
 him had he died. He steps into the coffin to try its 
 fitness, and walks away with the envelope on his head, 
 and dangling over his back, galling his kibe, or bobbing 
 on his heels beliind ; the lid he carries under his left 
 arm, like as an opera hat is handled by a man of 
 fashion ; or as a butcher may be seen to carry home 
 his empty tray after the delivery of a shoulder of 
 mutton to a hungry customer. 
 
 AVhon death o'ertakee where'er we tread, 
 
 The wm/ertaker gets his bread. 
 
 As pioneer he grat'ely takes the lead. 
 
 Amongst the on dits and mauvais mots of Buonaparte 
 he announced that " there wa.s but one step from the
 
 128 
 
 sublime to the ridiculous." Yet its descent may be 
 gradual. This may be quoted as a rhetoric flourish, 
 since whatever is really sublime cannot fall into ridi- 
 cule in any change of phases, or untoward circumstance. 
 Artificial factitious grandeur, mock sublimity, pride, or 
 meretricious pomposity will no doubt degenerate or 
 sink into insignificance or contempt, of which Napo- 
 leon was an illustrious example. 
 
 Popularity may take a hasty step to the same fate ; 
 by the breath of faction or favor suddenly as darkness 
 succeeds to light ; it will sparkle, emit radiance, and 
 sink below the horizon of man's esteem, like a meteor, 
 whensoever bright talents and probity are exercised in 
 subserviency to ambition or self interest. To ape the 
 sublime and beautiful is ridiculous, and requires no 
 descending step to increase its fallacy. 
 
 WARFARE IN POLITICS AND POLEMICS. 
 
 Factions of partizans for sway contend. 
 With prejudices stern which ne'r unbend. 
 Sterling in principle, yet which is wrong, 
 Purity is the burden of each song. 
 Intolerance and spleen to both belong. 
 Oh, waive your controversial strife. 
 Comport in unison as man and wife, 
 Console, advise, be generous to each foe, 
 Duty inculcates fellowship below.
 
 129 
 
 Divest our minds of envy, malice, spite, 
 
 And none gainsay whatever is, is right. 
 
 Falsehood and error to the winds will ily, 
 
 Man will resemble inmates of the sky ; 
 
 Kindred in spirit neither weep nor sigh 
 
 For his allotted j)enance on the earth. 
 
 Since hope and faitli point to a future birth, 
 
 Renascent in another better world 
 
 Where truths bright pages will be then uiifiirl'd. 
 
 As hostile elements in storms contend 
 To placid skies to sunshine soon unbend ; 
 So should the angry controversial strife 
 Yield to the soft amenities of life. 
 
 Kettle and pot oft make recrimination, 
 
 Parties in politics disturb the nation, 
 
 Abuse and satire stings admixt will gall. 
 
 We read in print, we hear discussed by all, 
 
 Where'er we walk, sit quietly, or stand, 
 
 The subject is, the squabbles of the land, 
 
 Of politicians, lashing on each hide, 
 
 I>y Whig and Tory scourges, well applied. 
 
 Like battledoor and shuttlecock from either side. 
 
 Why is a cur sleeping on a rug like a pedant 
 answer ? Because he is doy mat ical.
 
 lao 
 
 A small restless section of French community fire- 
 eaters seem to delight in what all in their sober senses 
 must deprecate — Avar agitation. This desperate clique, 
 tired perhaps of their own lives, have the temerity to 
 provoke or excite war with a nation desirous of tran- 
 quility and peace. All this swaggering will put their 
 neighbours on the defensive, warning them to be pre- 
 pared. Let not the gallant French be again induced by 
 factions at home to evoke the claymore of their conti- 
 nental neighbours, lest in such an event they may see 
 their great empire subjugated and divided, but not with 
 the interference of England as we hope. But we fer- 
 vently hope that the good sense and better taste of the 
 vast majority will avert such national calamities, who 
 are more anxious to expiate the woful oifences of past 
 warfare, to expunge the blots on the nation's escutcheons 
 than to betray a morbid desire for renewed conflicts, 
 certain in their destructive effects, doubtful as to suc- 
 cess or to the promotion of national advantages. 
 
 The union and amity of France and England is felt 
 to the ends of the earth, tending to the security and 
 pacification of the world. Wliilst they continue friends 
 no aggression upon national independence c5h be at- 
 tempted, no war waged against public liberty, nor any 
 wrong inflicted on the weak by the strong, nor any 
 rebellion of might against right. France again plunged 
 in war would pay dear for their whistle. 
 
 Pleasure of a sensual nature is fleeting in the enjoy- 
 ment, extends not beyond a short period, expires soon, 
 nor does it afford delight from reflexion, makes one
 
 131 
 
 neither wiser nor better. Familiarity and frequent 
 enjoyment satiate. Solomon has confessed his error in 
 pursuing it, and declares all vanity and vexation of 
 spirit, giving his testimony to religion and virtue as 
 alone productive of happiness. Eat, drink, and be 
 merry is the watchword of our youth, who in after life 
 may want the cup which he cannot lift, and seek for 
 mirth when he will become the butt and object. Our 
 dispositions do not subside with the faculties. The 
 young rake becomes a lascivious old wretch, delighting 
 in an obscene tale, when his hearers are disgusted by 
 the breath with which it is uttered. Pleasure need be 
 no further censured than when it costs us more than 
 its worth, or brings on uneasiness for which it does 
 not compensate. It is culpable when it makes too large 
 a claim on our valuable time, and we make it our chief 
 study, which is only intended for our relief by nature. 
 He who has the command of his hours is favoured 
 with opportunities to increase in wisdom and virtue. 
 Should he misapply them his guilt is proportionate to 
 what his advantages might liave been. In season and 
 reason let us partake of delights ; the excess consists 
 in our continued unabated indulgence in them. No 
 pleasure can be deemed innocent by which health 
 suffers. We are no more at liberty to shorten our 
 days than to abruptly end them. Suicide may be com- 
 mitted by luxury in gradual destruction, as by despair 
 in instant death by our own hand. 
 
 Pleasure not commensurate with our resources is 
 criminal. Great affluence is but a trust, the means of 
 extensive provision for the wants of a few mortals. 
 
 N
 
 132 
 
 Abstinence is highly commendable; it enables us to 
 relieve others and confer blessings, sets us above the 
 world, and having few wants are exposed to few dis- 
 appointments or temptations. " Man wants but little 
 here below." 
 
 " Should auld acquaintance be forgot 
 And days of auld lang syne." 
 
 Friendship is but ephemeral, when concocted purely 
 by interest it will barely survive the sordid feelings 
 twinborn it cooperates with the disappointment. An 
 angry word will dissipate slight attachments ; collision 
 of interest, disputes over the bottle, on politics, or love 
 can waft it away as puffs from light cigars. 
 
 " What is friendship but a name, 
 A charm that lulls to sleep, 
 A sound that follows wealth or fame, 
 But leaves the wretch to weep." 
 
 A good and virtuous wife 
 
 Is the best friend to take for life. 
 
 True friendship is indissoluble. The union and 
 cementation of goodness with sympathy of souls, good 
 will, harmony, truth, the love of the species, admira- 
 tion of virtues, gratitude, and humility, of such friend- 
 ship is the result. Elevated stations in life afford no
 
 133 
 
 exemption from inquietude, whicli can only be laid to 
 rest in the bosom of a friend. We increase our com- 
 forts by his participation, and soothe our sorrows 
 through his sympathy or protection. TJie attachment 
 and affinity of kindred spirits is enjoyed during absence, 
 refreshing the mind by recollections of the past, by 
 anticipations of future reunions. vSuch are spiritual, 
 imperishable. 
 
 Ingratitude : is it not as if this mouth should t^ar 
 this hand for lifting food up to it ? To confer I'avors 
 and obligations on many who are ever prompt to solicit 
 often pi'oves a thankless ungracious sacrifice of bene- 
 ficence. Some who have received heavy pecuniary 
 benefits from confiding kind friends, are quite indis- 
 posed to pay even in the cheap coin alluded to by the 
 great poet, where we read — 
 
 " The grateful mind by owing owes not ; 
 But repays, at once indebted and discharged." 
 
 Such as prove improvident and embarrassed in their 
 affairs through profligacy, feel little shame in soliciting 
 timely aid from a friend, and less desire or intention 
 to requite the boon. A vulgar mind stoops to be 
 loaded with gifts or favors, but is asluuned to encourage 
 the glowing fervor of gratitude. Yet ingratitude 
 would be more rare if benefits bestowed witli tfsitri/ 
 were less frequent. There are not so many ingrates as 
 self-interested benefactors in the market. 
 
 n2
 
 134 
 
 Tuition of youth is the primary, the most important, 
 subject that can occupy the attention of the State and the 
 individual care of all parents. The germ of virtue, the 
 welfai'e of their country is involved. Our first anxiety 
 and prayer breathes that our children may increase 
 in wisdom and stature, and grow in favour with God 
 and man. It becomes our duty to address the rising 
 generation, to usher them into the world with our ex- 
 perimental advice, as with our protection: saying, "Go 
 on, thou virtuous and admirable youth, stem the tur- 
 bulent stream of life with resolution, thy harbour is 
 paradise, thy pilot God. The blessings of heaven 
 shall descend upon thee in its selected influence ; and 
 look, 'whatsoever thou doest it shall prosper.' " I 
 shall not descend to enumerate the vulgar vices they 
 should avoid, for I trust they never will be in danger 
 of such infection. Their own gentle nature, the pre- 
 cepts and practice of their parents will be their shield 
 and guarantee from such contamination. Youth will 
 find sufiicient employ in improving the mind vvdthout 
 the labour of controlling evil passions and sinful habits 
 no one can endure long, such an accumulated weight of 
 toil and anxiety ; he must sink under them, or become 
 their slave and victim. 
 
 The fabular poem of the choice of Hercules is a good 
 example for youth. The primitive passion is self-love 
 innate, and anterior to the others, the rest are modifi- 
 cations. Our wants excite them. All passions are 
 good which we can master, those are bad (for us) to 
 which we are subjected. The spectacle of violent im- 
 pulses is unsafe to offer to young minds, they are
 
 135 
 
 Hinusing and may induce them to love what they onght 
 to fear; hence romances are attractive at theatres. 
 Youth may be taught to check the first impulses of the 
 heart, it beats quickly, it yields easily. 
 
 When pleasure invites, pause, and convene a little 
 court of conscience within, who will devise to your 
 advantage without a fee or delay. The precepts incul- 
 cated by Arclibishop Fcnelon, in Telemachus, to the 
 son of Louis XIV., are elegant and impressive, and 
 apply to the training of all youth. They made no 
 impression on that prince, whose mind was early en- 
 slaved by his own passions and the examples of a 
 depraved court. The historical and moral beauties of 
 this work are well worthy of perusal for every reader. 
 Sincerity and truth is the basis of every virtue. The 
 dark character meditates schemes of art and cunning, 
 present an unamiable object in every season of life, but 
 quite odious in the young. If you can smile and 
 deceive when nature is supposed to be free and open, 
 what are we to expect when interest and experience 
 have completed the hardness of your heart ? Dissimu- 
 lation in youth is the precursor of perfidy in old age, 
 and sinks him into contempt with God and man. The 
 path of truth is plain and safe ; falsehood perplexes 
 and leads to contrivances to get out of the labyrinth 
 which leaves you entangled in your own snare. Do 
 not form yourselves on fantastic models, nor vie with a 
 reigning folly ; youth begins with being ridiculous, 
 ends in being vicious. ^ly dear young friends, allow 
 me in conclusion to advise temperance in your plea- 
 sures ; to avoid the rock on which thousands have been 
 
 >• 3
 
 136 
 
 cast away. Novelty adds fresli charms to every grati- 
 fication but to allure. Religion is not severe, nor im- 
 poses more restraint on you than the aged who do not 
 forget they once were young, and merely admonish you 
 not to hurt yourselves or others in the pursuits after 
 enjoyments. 
 
 By piety and prayer we must all seek the protection 
 of our God. Happiness cannot be expected indepen- 
 dent of him. Keep the heart with all diligence, for 
 out of it are the issues of life and death ; good and 
 evil. 
 
 He that runs may read. " Sermons in stones, books 
 in the running streams, find tongues in trees, and good 
 in every thing." This is reading made easy and de- 
 lightful, witnessing the intelligence of nature, enjoying 
 the sight of its beauties ; partaking of her bounties so 
 widely and beneficently spread around with thankful 
 acknowledgement to mark the mighty hand that wheels 
 the silent spheres. He who can thread his way through 
 life divested of these feelings, unconscious of the 
 stirring emotions of the soul, is a fitting subject for 
 ennui, and despondency. Sensual enjoyments will 
 alone gratify him for tlie moment, beyond these with 
 him all else is blank. Like Sampson Agonistes, 
 
 " Dark, dark, amidst the blaze of noon." 
 Let never day nor night unhallowed pass, 
 But still remember what the Lord hath done. 
 One chorus let all beings raise, 
 AU nature's incense rise.
 
 137 
 
 Once more I obtrude some remarks on Boxiana, or 
 the mania for pugilism. The subject is uninteresting 
 for animadversion, as the exhibitions are uncivilized 
 and brutish. There will ever be found knaves ready 
 to practice on the idle credulity of their fellow men ; 
 and so long as puize-fighters are patronized and pam- 
 pered for the ring by cool blooded gamblers and the 
 vulgar sections of the aristocracy, so long will this 
 infamous coup de poing fancy continue. The laws are 
 somewhat tolerant in their notice of such matters, be- 
 cause it is supposed they inflict their own retribution 
 on the poor victims who are prematurely exposed to 
 poverty, disease, and neglect. The partizans of this 
 drama are generally insignificant unworthy members 
 of society. They may be reminded that such as wan- 
 tonly expose the life of a fellow mortal, or are active 
 in contributing to his destruction, are grievous sinners. 
 Should either of the combatants perish in the conflict 
 his blood will be required of them. 
 
 The gymnastic athletic combats, or rather contests, 
 were instituted by the ancient Greeks at Athens with 
 decorum, for the purposes of health and exercise, as 
 well as for training the youthful candidates for warlike 
 achievements in defence of their country. Our modern 
 Greeks are actuated by less worthy motives, and which 
 produce diflerent results. Our countrymen are brave, 
 and the humble classes are happily fast emerging from 
 barbarism, with reference to drunkenness and fighting. 
 
 Pitckt battles were so called (one miglit suppose) 
 from the neighbourly friendly habit of pitching into 
 each other, or pommeling, or because they were fought 
 by two men, ergo bitumen.
 
 138 
 
 Heard ye the blast, whose awful roar 
 Burst angry from th' ensanguined skies. 
 Saw you the flash from shore to shore, 
 In flame shines forth, in thunder dies. 
 The boundless light, the mighty sea, . 
 Proclaim the omniscient Deity. 
 Display his power in fearful majesty. 
 
 LA BEAUTE, SANS VIRTU, EST UN FLEUR 
 SANS PARFUM. 
 
 Rosy lips and starlike eyes. 
 Silken tresses, bosom white, 
 Cheeks whose soft and melting dyes, 
 Jlingle all that's fair and bright. 
 All are nought, without the dower 
 Of virtue added to their charms. 
 Though it be a lovely flower. 
 What's a flower without perfume ? 
 
 The Exchange is burn'd, the people cry, 
 'Tis strange enough they thus should lie, 
 For if to Cornhill you repair 
 You'll find the J^a^change still is there.
 
 139 
 
 Mr. William Hensou an engineer of New City 
 Chambers London, applied for letters patent for loco- 
 motive machinery, to convey letters and passengers 
 " through the air." 
 
 AEROSTICISM— A THING OF SHREDS 
 AND PATCHES. 
 
 Drowning men will catch at straws, 
 Needy ones are full of flaws. 
 
 Another scheme is afloat recently submitted to the 
 busy world. The sky-larkers are again aspiring to ap- 
 pear in nubibus, to build castles in the air, v?hich, like 
 the " baseless fabric of a vision (reared in midnight 
 dreams) will leave not a wrack behind." 
 
 Balloons have had their futile sway, 
 Now other foUies usher in the day. 
 
 This projected machine intended to commerce with 
 the skies may prove infernal in its malign results to 
 victims ; for as sure as light is delight, it will be reft to 
 atoms and the debris scattered to the winds or waves, 
 either dashed to pieces on the land or in the ocean by 
 conflicting currents. The ephemeral voyagers will 
 hold their heads high for the biding time ; they will be 
 above taking umbrellas for pluvial anticipations, since 
 the clouds and showers fall under them, quite beneath 
 their notice. 
 
 In this new region, a debtor need not keep his person 
 incognito, nor take to his heels, to evade payment or
 
 140 
 
 avoid pursuit ; he can merely drop a note to his credi- 
 tors on the earth from his eminence, desiring them " to 
 call to-morrow." But where is he to be found ? Full 
 of wind, flatulent, empty of purse and principle. He 
 makes an escapade from bum-bailiffs, earthquakes, and 
 such catastrophes, to which landsmen are subjected in 
 various climes. 
 
 Sancho Panza will furnish some lively hints to these 
 voltigeurs, when they favour the public with a diarium 
 excerpta of their voyages al fresco. 
 
 That lying rogue, we read, bestrode a wooden horse 
 blindfolded behind Don Quixote (en croupe) to waft 
 them to distant regions for the insane project of disen- 
 chanting Dulcineas, or propitiating some giant a thou- 
 sand leagues distant. They made no progress in alt, 
 but were scattered on the grass where they remained 
 with squibs and crackers with which the effigy was 
 stuffed. The profane squire declared he had reached 
 the seventh heaven, and had amused himself with toy- 
 ing and sporting with the coloured nanny goats and 
 other gentles of his mendacious imagination. 
 
 These highflyers, or sky scrapers, will attempt to 
 impose on the credulity of flats until they fall flat as 
 flounders on their mother earth, from whose cherishing 
 bosom they had ingrately flown away. They may, I 
 say, (should they survive the fall,) trump up some va- 
 pourish account at variance with truth, of adventures 
 which never happened, — of sights of things invisible. 
 Homer's account of the battles of the frogs and mice is 
 funny, but fabuloif?? ; another edition (in travesti) may 
 be in embryo. We may witness wars in the wind', for
 
 141 
 
 rely upon it, the wild eagle, vulture, dragons, and 
 feathered tribes, will not look tamely on whilst innova- 
 tors take posssssion of their element. They will exact 
 homage and take toll, or they will take the liberty to 
 pounce upon the floating barge or caravan and will 
 carry off some of the passengers as hostages. A covey 
 of scarecrows, a flight of birds of prey, will bring up 
 the rear, and complete the discomfiture of the 
 aeronauts. 
 
 What would this man ? Now upward would he soar — 
 And, little less than angel, would be more. 
 
 The witches Avho have been disembodied since 
 Shakespear wrote Macbeth may reappear, and again 
 bestride brooms wherewith to sweep the sky and sha- 
 dow our fate's destiny. 
 
 Should these projects rise in estimation as they ad- 
 vance upwards, stocks will fall, money will be invested 
 in transmigrating shares until a fall takes place, when 
 it will be ''all up" with the company, as the case has 
 been too oft, too severely felt by sanguine simpletons. 
 Ships, colonies, and commerce, may henceforth be 
 managed by these higher powers at a discount. The 
 post office will become almost a dead letter office. 
 Epistles may be dropt from the clouds, pigeons again 
 be the carriers of correspondence, and the gentle bearers 
 of billets doux. Underwriters at Lloyd's will And their 
 business reduced, because there can be but little 
 salvage tanoible, should the travellers be out of reach 
 or wrecked near the antipodes ; but should they drop
 
 142 
 
 in Chelsea reach, something may be got out of them 
 by the Marine Insurance offices. 
 
 Music in the air will now resound, 
 The cheerful song and glee go roiuid. 
 
 With the harmony of the spheres, choirs of sweet 
 toned birds, aided by the hullabaloo of the initiated 
 million in mid air, Boreas and other trumpet-tongued 
 thunderers will swell their cheeks and join in the con- 
 cert hruyant. 
 
 " Chaos is come again ;" for now a thunder storm is 
 announced in the midst of the distraction visible 
 amongst the ship's company. Nox follows in the train 
 in ebon car, shedding night's gloom around, both near 
 and far. 
 
 The travellers all dark may chaunt in sorrow, 
 How can we sleep to night ? where dine to-morrow? 
 
 Birds possess instinctive powers to scud the air 
 aloft. Nature has provided and contrived their beau- 
 teous pinions with flexible muscles to encounter and 
 resist every undulation of air, to wend their way 
 through any and aU pulsations of the gentlest breeze, 
 as of the strongest gusts of wind. With wings not 
 larger than man's thumb they ride the storm and 
 weather every gale, without a compass or the sail, in 
 circles wheeling. Their beaks and feathered tails are 
 rudders, guiding their devious flight quicker than 
 thought, rapid as streams of light. Artists may glory 
 in this opportunity of taking birds eye views of the 
 earth beneath, and what it doth inherit. Icarus, the
 
 143 
 
 son of Ditdalus, adventured to fly, as we liave read, 
 and failed miserably. The sun melted the wax which 
 cemented his pinions, and he fell, like Lucifer, never 
 to rise again. One would think that the volatile 
 balloon fancy had satiated the appetites of the sight- 
 desiring, eye-staring multitudes during the preceding 
 half century ; it has produced no earthly good, and but 
 few atmospheric advantages. 
 
 The aspirants who were far more anxious to raise 
 the wind than to rise or i'all in it have benefitted by 
 the amusement which the public derived from these 
 
 aerial exhibitions. 
 
 D. L. 
 
 Brighton, April 1st, 1843, (All Fool's day). 
 
 This was the bubble scheme of a surveyor, 
 Raising the wind for castles in the air. 
 
 We read that " H n" was his cognomen, 
 
 Class'd thro' his lofty flights with //i^Awaymen. 
 
 TUNNEL OR SHAFT. 
 
 The rat amphibious, with toads unclean. 
 Claim habitation in this subterrene. 
 Sporting gregai'ions in the murky duct. 
 Devoid of use, of benefit unfruct. 
 
 o
 
 144 
 
 Curvetting and capriole the vermin play, 
 Whilst passengers bewilder'd grope their way 
 Down stairs ; then thro' this loathsome bore 
 Crawl up to welcome light, and step on shore, 
 Vowing they'd ferret underground no more. 
 Within these gloomy vaults they hold a fair 
 For apples, nuts, small beer, and crock'ry ware. 
 Yet I'll ne'er venture there I do declare, 
 No underground abortions suit my taste, 
 Whether I'm quite at leisure, or in haste. 
 
 RANDOM THOUGHTS ON THE THAMES 
 TUNNEL OR FUNNEL 
 
 The tunnel is at length completed. This long pro- 
 tracted work is a horizontal monument of the skill of 
 the engineer and the enterprising perseverance of the 
 directors of the company. I fear its inability wiU be 
 tested unsatisfactorily by its unproductive returns from 
 tolls when opened to the public for walks and drives. 
 The condensed atmosphere, the humidity of the interior, 
 and the beauty of the work are very striking 
 
 The watermen complain that it undermines their 
 " reglar trade in punt and boat craft, and consider it 
 werry wexacious and a horrid bore" and over their 
 pipe and pot they threaten to send a petition to their 
 titular deity, father Thames, to bore a hole in the 
 crown of the subterrestial intruder to admit the tide.
 
 145 
 
 And then farewell, King, 
 As the Bard did sing. 
 
 One ferry man, or funny man, was astonished that 
 " folks would walk thro' the bowels of the earth when 
 the element above inwited them to cross the vorter in a 
 trim boat all in broad daylight ;" " and then," he add'i, 
 '' such a gettin up and down stairs at both ends." 
 
 An Irish gentleman having heard that the tunnel 
 would not a7is\ver, refuted it by swearing that he called 
 out loud at one end, " How are you ?" and he heard an 
 echo from the other mouth of the tunnel answer " Very 
 poorly." 
 
 As much as to sing or say, 
 Tliis thing, by goles, won't pay. 
 
 Two serious irruptions have occurred; but it is 
 hoped there is no danger of a recurrence of such alarm- 
 ing disasters. The shareholders have not been favored 
 with a dividend of profits ; and should it be decided to 
 blow up this double-barreled souterraiii, the materials 
 would sell " like bricks ;" and the produce divided 
 amongst the proprietors and subscribers to this costly 
 underiokmg might reimburse them one penny in the 
 pound. 
 
 The shield would be more valued than that of 
 Achilles, and may be hung up in the Hall of the Ai- 
 mourers' and Braziers' company as the JEgis of sub- 
 aqueous dominion, a memento of meddling in troubled 
 waters not washing over pactolean sands. 
 
 o 2
 
 146 
 
 t' 
 
 WATERMAN S DITTY ON THE OPENING DAT, 
 
 AUGUST 1st, 1843, 
 
 WHEN OYSTERS AND THE TUNNEL WILL BE PROBED. 
 
 The great advantages of our thames tunnel 
 
 Will be deriv'd by Sir Isamberd Brunei. 
 
 Ye, who in boats once row'd from shore to shore 
 
 May cross 'neath river's bed in a great bore. 
 
 Shelter'd from showers of rain, you travel thus, 
 
 As sneaking under ground in transitus. 
 
 From Wapping o'er to RedrifF's banks precursor, 
 
 As south to north you go from, vice versa, 
 
 To visit county Middlesex or Surrey, 
 
 With loss of time, altho' in a great hurry. 
 
 For the descending and ascending stairs 
 
 Will prove a hobbling cure for boatmen's fares. 
 
 " Farewell, my trim-built wherry," is the cry. 
 
 No longer scullers or the oars we ply ; 
 
 The Tunnel Company has spoil'd our ferry, 
 
 Put out our pipes. Ah ! how can we be merry ? 
 
 So brawl'd six watermen in rueful dittv. 
 
 Tugging, alas ! no more, — the more's the pity. 
 
 This souterrain to them is hell-ebore, 
 
 They cannot get a fare as heretofore. 
 
 D. L. 
 Brigliton, March 25, 1843. 
 
 Rats are seen here in flocks frolicking and curvetting 
 on the floor. A society of toads appear to have taken 
 a lease of the darker portions of the tunnel or under- 
 shaft as it may be termed.
 
 147 
 
 A £50 share was sold by auction for six shillings. 
 100 shares were sold on the decease of a proprietor for 
 £30, on which £500 had been paid, the loss sustained 
 was £4970. 
 
 Vast numbers of visitors have been attracted to this 
 work. 5000 footpads or passengers have flitted 
 through the souterrain 
 
 Each day perambulate the tunnel bore, 
 
 From Wapping's banks to Redriff's muddy shore. 
 
 The carriage approaches are still in abeyance ; it is 
 supposed that horses decline to ascend or descend on 
 inclined planes, and the tortuous gradient is considered 
 too precipitate and corkscrewishly spiral for the transit 
 of wheel vehicles, excepting such as wheeth^wovfn, dog- 
 carts, and sedan-chairs, carriages which require neither 
 horse or ass. 
 
 Sons are too eager to commence their career of life 
 in the same grade of cost and stile with which their 
 fathers only ventured upon when they retired from 
 worldly aiFairs. And not unusually these improvident 
 scions are compelled to terminate their laborious pur- 
 suits in the humble condition in which their parents 
 were content to begin and make their entre into the 
 busy walks of life, laying up in store the superfluities 
 for the winter of our days and the spring time of our 
 descendants. 
 
 o3
 
 148 
 
 Frugality may attain to competence and affluence, 
 whilst extravagance and profligacy must entail poverty 
 and disgrace on such as cannot square their expences 
 or keep vdthin the triangle of the compass. 
 
 Mesmerism will soon be practised by legerdemain 
 artists, who, when they have lulled a patient into a 
 trance, may be tempted to exert his skill to extract a 
 watch or purse from the sleep stricken victim, an easier 
 and less vulgar process than hocussing with narcotic 
 drugs previous to spoliation. 
 
 The day dreamer may recover his senses without 
 finding either the operator or his lost property on his 
 waking up. The abduction of a fair lady may be faci- 
 litated by this ruse of manipulation of exorcism ; the 
 clairvoyance may forsake the patient, and leave him or 
 her in the dark on recovery from the blurted oblivious 
 lethargy, after a seance of practised deceptive trickery. 
 
 Wrapt between sheets, half buried in sound sleep. 
 Dreaming of visions pencil'd on the brain. 
 Phantasms and chimeras o'er the senses creep, 
 Convince that nought in life exists in vain. 
 From earth to heaven extends the wond'rous chain. 
 The ever conscious soul is ne'er at rest. 
 Whilst reason sleeps the active mind is blest. 
 With sweet and silent slumbers of the head, 
 Man is but then a living image of the dead. 
 The honest aim and end of one and all. 
 Who hope to thrive in this terrestrial ball,
 
 149 
 
 Ad fellow travellers on the road of life, 
 Whose intercourse should be devoid of strife. 
 To assist the destitute and mitigate 
 The pains or sorrows of man's weakly state, 
 By fond endearments and by strenuous aid 
 To sooth and raise the fall'n in ev'ry grade. 
 
 EPISTLES OPENED BY ORDER OF 
 SIR J. G M. 
 
 La post e pied is a man of letters, 
 Conceiv'd and written by his betters. 
 Swift carried to their destination, 
 When open'd causing some sensation 
 If business be the purport, or of fun, 
 An invite from a friend, or from a dun, 
 Each should be answered in an envelope, 
 Herald of thanks, of vows, or fondest hope. 
 Some of these letters which are now before me 
 Will soon be read and cast behind d'ye see. 
 Statesmen now break our seals to read and pry 
 For secrets of some despot foreigner. Oh fye! 
 
 See the vast ocean, view its foaming tide 
 Glitt'ring with gems and diamonds far and wide. 
 Oh list to the refulgent roaring flood, 
 Through nature's voice proclaims the will of God! 
 
 In music one may learn the flageolet. 
 
 At schools some masters teach and flagelate.
 
 150 
 
 A state barber-surgeon is in requisition to prune the 
 kairistocrticy to cut off entails and hair looms to eldest 
 sons, which subject the cadets of over- wealthy families 
 to the privations and inflictions of primogeniture and 
 its concomitant feudal evils, bequeathing wealth and 
 honors to the first-born exclusively. In this ascendancy 
 pride is usually conspicuous. He would be well em- 
 ployed to cut down the superabundant salaries, 
 sinecures and pensions of phlethoric public men, not 
 radically, lest he plucks up the wheat with the tares. 
 He may deracinate the corruption of Church and State 
 matter by gradual process, abolish pluralities in livings, 
 lay impropriations, and with a gentle progressive hand 
 effect public and private weal. 
 
 Wigs should be reintroduced (not a la bob), for Sir 
 Robert Peel wears his own hair. 
 
 The lancet may be applied to the monetary treasures 
 of those who enjoy vested rights drawn too freely from 
 the many who have stronger claims for natural rights 
 and privileges, such as labour for subsistence have a 
 preeminent claim and must be sustained in the vigour 
 of youth and manliood, also in the decadency of fading 
 years, they possess no sinecures, but suffer sine 
 necessitates. 
 
 This state official may try his hand to depilate 
 dandies whiskers and moustaches a I'outranee 
 exuberant locks of hair a la kangoro, or orang outrang 
 mode, in default to impose a knob or poll tax of five 
 pounds. 
 
 Pigtails have long dropt into disuse, such pendulae 
 no longer oscillate between the two muscular caps of
 
 151 
 
 the ear of the wearers and bearers of these rejected 
 exhuberants. 
 
 Tadpoles and toadies dabble in the mud 
 Of stagnant pools, adapted for the brood 
 Of recreant senators, a servile pack, 
 Who take the whip and catch it on their back 
 When halting in opinion, whilst their vote 
 In venal sense is given sticking in the throat. 
 
 The great globe and all planets float in unbounded 
 aerial space in periodical rapid flights, propelled and 
 upheld by the dread commaud of infinite power. The 
 terrestrial laws of gravitation are herein controlled and 
 counteracted as the celestial spheres pursue their course 
 through immeasurable regions of ethereal light and 
 space. 
 
 We read of the impostor Mahomet in his iron cotRn 
 being suspended in mid air between the mutual attrac- 
 tion of two magnets on the floor and ceiling of his 
 tomb ; in intermedium as if 'twixt heaven and earth. 
 
 So have we seen an ass between two bundles of hay, 
 or a blustering blunderer to double business bound, 
 standing in pause which he shall first begin, and 
 neglect both. 
 
 An enthusiast connoiseur at a dinner j)arty enjoying
 
 152 
 
 his symposium and colloquium, and trying to catch the 
 strains of music pouring from the drawing-room over 
 his head whilst he and the guests were pouring down 
 imbibitions, he fell spellbound between two alluring 
 attractions, sighed and wished he were ubiquitous ; a 
 friend advised him to meet the delights halfway, per- 
 suaded him to take a neutral position in a chair on the 
 half pace of the staircase, where he eat maudlin in a 
 drowsy dosey state, half asleep and snoring. He took 
 nothing by his motion as a barrister would say. 
 Having lost the bottle and convives, for they had dis- 
 appeared, the sounds of harmony had long died away 
 also, when he awoke after a three hours' snooze, and 
 found himself all flabbergasted, all alone, more resem- 
 bling a rejected Jerry Sneak than a giant refreshed. 
 
 EXTRACT FROM THE VESTRY DIARY. 
 
 Bundle, an old watchman in Cripplegate ward at 
 night, and parish beadle by day, in a letter to his son 
 advises him as to his conduct in night work and his day 
 doings ; he was in his pristine days a clerk to a jew 
 costermonger, in Rosemary Lane, City. He writes as 
 follows. 
 
 " If you do take a thief let him show himself and 
 steal out of your company, this is the most peaceable 
 proceeding, for those who touch pitch will be defiled by
 
 153 
 
 the contact. Be not contaminated with sic like coves. 
 Should you take him to task roughly, the knave might 
 take you by the collar. Furthermore, if he becomes 
 
 saucy, and utters in a loud voice oh ! " you be d d," 
 
 &c., hold up your forefinger ; on any further approach 
 towards you in abuse or threats, or if on mischief bent, 
 you may shew him your painted staff, if that do not 
 terrify his senses neither will a thrashing nor the stocks, 
 leave him therefore as an incorrigible varlet to his own 
 perverse wickednes, and stave off without further parley 
 or hurley burly in quick time." 
 
 " Beadles and civil officers (added Charley after a 
 heavy sigh) have a duty to perform also to avert trou- 
 bles, and to take care of themselves, before putting 
 their fingers in the fire, or interposing in brawls, bick- 
 erings, or fights, blows sound angrily, bruises feel sore 
 and look blue, eschew all such gallimaufry I say. To 
 come out of such affrays unscathed is a chance that 
 should by no means be wantonly provoked by us peace- 
 officers, who are appointed to use all gentleness and 
 Ibrbearance. My advice to you my tulip is to look o» 
 quietly, and walk off quickly, turning your back in full 
 retreat from all cudgels, from foulmouthed fisticuffy 
 fellows, who make free with their hands and tongues to 
 their neighbours disadvantage and annoyance. Con- 
 sider and accept these golden opinions as my last legacy 
 in lieu of cash, houses, chattels, or any incumbrances." 
 
 Money liath wings ; all bankers notes are light. 
 Both difficult to catch, soon take to flight. 
 - Silver ami gold I lack, copper -will pass. 
 Impudence will supply thy wants with brass.
 
 154 
 
 Like Mr B , to double business bound, pauses 
 
 and deliberates wliicb he shall first commence, and 
 neglects both. 
 
 At hawk and buzzard see him imbecile, 
 
 Or donkey Uke friend B stands stock still. 
 
 Alas, no go, 'twixt twa trusses of hay. 
 Quite undecided on which first to prey. 
 
 Taking the veil is an arbitrary consignment of 
 youthful innocent victims to sloth and inanity by those 
 professors of an abhorred ascetic creed, under pretence 
 and cover of sanctity ; but in truth for the purposes of 
 restraint and parsimony towards the younger scions of 
 rich parents, who become immured in cloisters sacri- 
 ficed to the aggrandisement and pride of first-born 
 feudal inheritors of land, tenements, or wealth. 
 
 Let the unhallowed priests who pander to such 
 schemes be stripped of their robes of hypocrisy and 
 cant, let them only take sackcloth, and perform penance 
 and abstinence to their hearts and stomachs delight. 
 Let them alone abjure temporal comforts and social 
 intercourse, such as Providence has ordained and sanc- 
 tified, and as grateful mortals are enjoined to partake 
 and enjoy with thankful obedience, no longer should 
 they be allowed to impose on the credulity of fellow- 
 men with false creeds, or foul and fell practices to boot. 
 
 Man cannot be positively virtuous in the absence of 
 tests and trials, whilst immured in cloistered cells. 
 Vice and folly may lie dormant and inoffensive in such 
 effbrced inhuman seclusions from the world, but which 
 demands our assistance and participation amidst the 
 turmoils of good and evil in the struggles of prosperity 
 and adversity.
 
 155 
 
 We seldom omit to offer the " compliments of the 
 season" on the anniversary of the advent of Christmas, 
 of hallowed memory. Should we not present sincere 
 mutual gratulations on the approaching harvest of 
 blessed plenteousness, the prelude and promise of 
 heaven's gracious annual supply of food for millions? 
 When the earth teems with ripened grain for man's sus- 
 tenance and yields her well-timed periodical fruits of in- 
 crease, to the glory of God and our comfort and delight. 
 Laudamus. Do we deserve the return of these seasons 
 with their replenished bounty? reckless of the grati- 
 tude and praise due to the Divine benefactor, and thus 
 forfeiting all claims to his protecting Providence 
 through our frailties and peccadilloes. Our debt is 
 indeed large and onerous, as our offences are vast and 
 numerous. How can we requite the first or expiate 
 the latter? Impossible, except through the mediatorial 
 influence of Him who suffered for offenders, and desireth 
 not the death of sinners. 
 
 TO MISS MARY MAY-FLEUR. 
 
 Dismiss those tears, my fair, no longer weep, 
 Forget all griefs, and sootlie thy soul to sleep. 
 The morn shall usher in with roseate light, 
 Joy to their heart, solace from gloomy night. 
 Devoted is my life to thee alone. 
 United, Imply, soon we shall be one, 
 
 p
 
 156 
 
 To-morrow I shall urge my suit, and pray 
 
 For thy consent to fix the nuptial day. 
 
 My worldly goods I pi'offer at thy shrine, 
 
 This heart is pledg'd for a return of thine, 
 
 Accept this token of a fervent kiss, 
 
 Prelusive of love's rite, connubialis, 
 
 Fondly desired by your friend Virilis. 
 
 The hours will pass, the wish'd for day soon come. 
 
 When with one heart we consecrate one home. 
 
 ADIEU A MAD-ELLE A SON DEPART. 
 
 Te te souhaite le bon voyage, aujour d'hue, 
 Et le iowheur, toiis les jours de la vie. 
 
 In ev'ry spot wherever you may roam. 
 May health betide ye, and a happy home. 
 
 Where'er / stray, whatever njTnphs I see, 
 My heart unchanged still adheres to thee. 
 
 Dreams of the bygone social hours impart 
 Fond hopes of quick reunion to my heart. 
 Thyself, and eke thy charms, are in my view, 
 Whilst with fond rapture fancy dwells on you.
 
 157 
 MR. GHERKINS, OILMAN. 
 
 Crib'd in a little shirt, with short-tail flaps,* 
 With scanty small clothes, second hand mayhaps, 
 The spencer jacket, scant and button'd on. 
 Suffic'd for coat and waistcoat, twain in one. 
 His thrifty wardrobe cost him in the clear, 
 Including washing, just two pounds per year, 
 Unpaid in British coinage, all in barter, 
 With salted shrimps, anchovy, and tomato, 
 Pickles, and potted char, he vended all his life, 
 Esteem'd his best preserve his well-beloved wife. 
 She bore him twins, and with a gentle sway 
 Governed in happy home from day to day. 
 
 ODE TO CONTENT. 
 
 MUI.TUM IN VARVO. 
 
 Few wants soon answer'd bring the wise delight, 
 Viwt fools create themselves new appetite; 
 More than enough encumbers and embroils 
 The head and heai't with anxious turmoils. 
 
 * Frugally curtailed to supply nose dusters or kerchiefs for 
 tlKJ little boys as soon as their breeching season commenced. 
 
 r.S. Mrs Gherkins urged her cara sposa to crop ofi the 
 green cloth tails of his coat, being convertible for their small 
 Iwys waistcoats; to this he reluctantly consented, and being 
 thus curtailed he was compelled to transpose his goods from 
 shop to customer in sacks, as substitutes for the pockets 
 wherein he had previously stowed his articles of trade.
 
 158 
 
 When one meets with a chip of the old block in 
 society who dame nature has carved a i/oc^head, the 
 scion or son may be expected to resemble his sire, in 
 head or heart and inherit a similitude of the parents 
 peculiarities and propensities ; so the chip in porridge 
 imparts a negative quality in the mess ; and unless im- 
 bued with cinnamon or senna, it will taste positively 
 insipid and vapid. As Mr. Ipsedolt who is a mere 
 cypher in the world of wits, he does neither good nor 
 harm, he has one idea concentered in sui per se, to day 
 is his only type of the almanac; yesterday and every 
 arriere pensee is clean forgotten, obsolete, and every 
 trace like melting snows are dissolved from his ephe- 
 meral brain. To-morrow seldom obtrudes on his cra- 
 nium until its arrival. Prevoyance, or anticipation^ 
 never occupies his thoughts, unless the craving appetite 
 associates his ideas with the approaching meals as they 
 steam on some hospitable board, and stimulate the 
 hungry faculties for the attack and repletion of the 
 sensual system. 
 
 Although Ipse is a vacant absent man, yet the present 
 hour is the sole engrossing tangible perception. He 
 feels no pleasure in perspective of his local fanc}--, quite 
 unreflective and unheeding the beauties and bounties 
 of nature, which are profusely displayed without inter- 
 mission, past, present, and future, of which he partakes 
 almost unconsciously, and heedless of the vast obliga- 
 tion due to the Great Author of every comfort and ad- 
 vantage bestowed on and enjoyed by man! 
 
 It is advisable that all men should bear and forbear 
 in their conventional pursuits with kinsfolk and neigh-
 
 159 
 
 bours in our respective associations and dealings in the 
 world; not to sport or play the bear with each other, 
 either in growling out in rude bursts of anger, a la 
 bruin, or in hard squeezing and griping in business 
 transactions, driving hard bargains or overreaching 
 each other. 
 
 When rough and rude or bearly civil, 
 Such ape the habits of a devil. 
 Wherefore take lessons from imps of evil ? 
 
 Let courtesy and civil manners bland, 
 
 With peace and honesty strive hand and hand, 
 
 In friendly intercourse throughout the land. 
 
 I am out of spirits quoth Ben Bibo, 
 Feel dull and melancholy as an owl, 
 My brandy drank up and my credit low. 
 How can I smile over an empty bowl. 
 No ale, no ginger pop, nor alcohol. 
 
 MORAL. 
 
 Cease to pour down, to keep thy spirits up, 
 
 The poison to the mind, the sotting cup. 
 
 Be vigilant; sobriety gives health. 
 
 With peace and joy, although devoid of wealth, 
 
 Riches cannot relieve the sick man's pain, 
 
 Nor furnish antidotes to vice's bane. 
 
 o 3
 
 160 
 DAY DREAMS. 
 
 We roar and jump in dreams with incubus,* 
 
 Basium all round is a bold omnibus, 
 
 A kiss snatched in the dark a hlunderbus. 
 
 Yet when thus prest should the fair maid complain 
 
 Take back the smack by kissing her again. * 
 
 As whisp'ring at her side she bends her ear. 
 
 So whilst she listens, the plump cheek is near. 
 
 Seize the occasion, snatch the proffered prize, 
 
 And crave forgiveness for the rude surprise. 
 
 Look sharp; you'll read your pardon in her eyes. 
 
 Silent and softly, quick salutes like these. 
 
 Even when wwtaken, seldom fail to please. 
 
 Perch'd in a garden chair, quite tete a tete. 
 
 In sprightly converse with your chosen mate; 
 
 But should she box thy ears with gentle tap, 
 
 'Tis full atonement for the mouth's wwhap. 
 
 Since lips were made for taste, as well as speech. 
 
 And hybla may be pluck'd within one's reach. 
 
 Beauty and worth created from above. 
 
 Bestowed on man, all redolent of love. 
 
 In female forms and hearts a treasure trove. 
 
 Happy each man possessing such fair prize, 
 
 To cheer his heart and gratify his eyes. 
 
 'Midst all our blessings what so pure and bright 
 
 As maiden smiles, those occuli of light, 
 
 Can aught administer such happiness 
 
 As love and friendship conjoined in caress. 
 
 * Nightmare.
 
 161 
 
 Conventionality is the sacred bond of mortals. 
 Adultery, or ci-im. con, as politely y'clept in palmy 
 phraseology, is treated with leniency by the laws of the 
 land, which merely impose a pecuniary fine, called 
 damages, in coin of the reabn, and at times an expen- 
 sive divorce, ad mensa. Let it rather be enacted and 
 hereby hereafter ordained, that offending couples in 
 such cases be severely whipped 
 
 On the back at a cart or waggon's tail. 
 And thence immured within a felon's gaol ; 
 
 To be there scantily nourished with poor ailment, 
 habited in coarse deshabille, and cropped on the crown 
 by the prison tonsor, or jailor, garde du corps. The 
 infliction of pillory and stocks should be diversified 
 alternately each week during three successive months 
 of the culprits' incarceration within these inhospitable 
 walls. As prevention far surpasses cure, so this dis- 
 cipline in terrorem would deter many from the gross 
 offence, and save them from awful retribution, for an 
 unrepented violation of God's hallowed commandments. 
 
 Such as treat this surpassing amiable portion of 
 society with neglect or cruelty display a vicious brutal 
 heart, and should be expelled from conventionality of 
 human kind, fitted to herd with animals of the desert, 
 where savages dwell of congenial sympathies. 
 
 Alas, how many houseless wanderers have been mis- 
 led, betrayed, and deserted by their quondam admirers, 
 thence pi'ecipitated to infamy and want, sorrow and 
 destitution, to terminate in premature death, througli
 
 162 
 
 wortliless sensualists, who may be deemed pernicious 
 abortions in nature's list of created beings, unfitted to 
 enjoy the amenities and advantages of feminine virtuous 
 intercourse in their daily business pursuits and recrea- 
 tive enjoyment, their gross appetites possess no relish 
 for female refinement. 
 
 THE LATE MR. (CALLED BEAU) BRUMELL, 
 
 AT CANNES, FRANCE. 
 
 Alas, Stern indigence besets his ways. 
 Whilst complicated ills abridge his days, 
 The wreck of recklessness is here display'd, 
 The follies of the day, the night's dull trade 
 Of revelry in boistrous drinking bouts, 
 Yielding cataiThs, head aches, and frequent gouts 
 In stomach, and alternately in feet, 
 Confined in bed, or drivelling in his seat, 
 He wails in sad despair, in mournful lays, 
 The sequence of his ill-spent vapid days. 
 
 RENCONTRE IMPROMPTU ET HEUREUX 
 WITH MRS. HOPKINS. 
 
 During my youthful days, redolent of health and 
 joyous in heart, in my walks abroad through London 
 streets and squares I encountered en face a pretty
 
 163 
 
 female, and stepped out to the left to let her pass next 
 the wall, and so avoid a slight collisive rencontre. The 
 damsel took her side step to the right, so that we be- 
 came again vis a vis, remained as fixtures for a moment. 
 Now both made a simultaneous spring, as a sort of pas 
 de deux, and in the embarrassment seized hands, ex- 
 changing looks of laughter, which were silently inter- 
 preted as an incipient attachment effected by a vivid 
 electro-magnetic sliock through the nerves, via the 
 digits, comparable to the effect of a miniature galvanic 
 battery. I called upon the fair the following morning 
 to explain or apologise for the unceremonious sponta- 
 neous minuet de la Rue al fresco. We smiled and 
 sighed over the denoument (for the arrow of Cupidon 
 had effected its wonted purpose with one or both of us, 
 in due reciprocity. We agreed to become partners in 
 the polka of life's dance. She was fascinating, and her 
 blue eyes drew a bill payable at sight for my acceptance, 
 which I duly honored on demand with love and esteem 
 from that day forth until this hour whilst I pen the 
 prennptial paragraph. 
 
 My dear wife and I have frequenely since the event 
 passed through this street which witnessed our first 
 interview, the first scene of lover's telegraphic leaps 
 into each others thoughts and arms. She has declared 
 that I regulary set to her as in a cotillion, when in the 
 embarassment she says " she seized my hand merely to 
 draw attention for the purpose of explaining and expos- 
 tulating on the display of such a public jeremiade." 
 The whole affair was extemporaneous. Our first boy 
 was christened John Delarue, (Hopkins) he was vingt
 
 164 
 
 et un last May-day, and considered of age to tread in 
 the steps of his father, either by sudden volition, as he 
 made the first advances in the King's highway in quick 
 measure, or to the most customary mode of finding a 
 mate for life, by process of cautious tedious suit and 
 service, in a protracted series of epistles and sonnets 
 during her absence, and of reiterated vows and protes- 
 tations seasoned with sighs and tears if evoked in her 
 presence. 
 
 The Rev. Mr. J — y*s daily habit was to drop in 
 
 previous to the dinner hour at Mrs. C s, a widow 
 
 lady in Sloane Street, thus conferring the benefit of his 
 society and conventional powers in return for the crea- 
 ture comforts and animal aliments, stuft and imbibed 
 in edibles and potables, too frequently spunged and ab- 
 sorbed by his rapacious palate. 
 
 From his intrusive visits day by day, 
 We date his droll cognomen, " Pop in Jay," 
 His plumage was all black, son of the church, 
 He strove to please in pulpit or on perch. 
 And never left " good living " in the lurch ; 
 At old dame C — s wliere at the festive board, 
 He sat to swallow viands like a lord.
 
 16a 
 
 LINES ADDRESSED TO A GUILFORD 
 VOTER. 
 
 BY LORD CRANLEY, AFTERWARDS LORD ONSLOW, 
 
 When Mr. Thornton declared he would bring in hia 
 son John as member for the county. 
 
 Pray tell me Sir without restraint 
 
 Which nag will be the winner ? 
 
 Will Guilford town elect a saint 
 
 Or will they choose a sinner ? 
 
 The Thornton colt I always said 
 
 Would never stand the test ; 
 
 And tho' the town may choose the worst, 
 
 I think they'll take the " Best."* 
 
 The matter then if I'm correct, 
 
 Will end as I expected, 
 
 Johnf will be one of the elect, 
 
 And " Best " the one elected. 
 
 The hospitality of Brighton was displayed on Easter 
 Monday, 1845, on the arrival of one thousand recreating 
 operatives rolicking in railway transition from London. 
 On their arrival they found a ready spread of sand- 
 wiches, or sand which is on the beach of the sea. The 
 salt water beverage ((a cheap substitute for "Bass's 
 bitter ale,") afforded me a piin, them a p?/«gcnt relish 
 and revelry, to these congregated members of the " Odd 
 Fellows' Clubs," the Dreadnought and De^•il Dare 
 
 * Lord Wynford. t Thornton.
 
 166 
 
 societies, the Neverfrets, toujours gai, and Evergreen 
 associations which abound in the metropolis and sub- 
 urban districts of merry England, constituted for bene- 
 ficial purposes, by subscription, provided for the relief 
 of the sick and for burial of their members ; provided 
 also that the funds were in a healthy state and so well 
 managed as to survive the decease of the respective 
 subscribers. 
 
 Barbers and breeches -makers hand in hand, 
 Unite to form a fraternizing band; 
 To dry the tear, which on afflictions cheek 
 Portrays the anguish of the poor and meek, 
 To succour sickness on its sorrowing bed, 
 And furnish obsequies to members dead, 
 Solace to orphans, widows, and kindred. 
 
 OYEZ! 
 
 That little hall of audience the ear, 
 
 The portals to the human heart quite near, 
 
 Auricula well-furnished with a drum, 
 
 By physiologists call tympanum. 
 
 Wherein soft loving whispers are conveyed, 
 
 Whilst holding converse with a list'ning maid. 
 
 Loud tones too enter there with bubbling noise 
 
 From street cries, balladia, and shouting boys. 
 
 Yet sometimes deaf to plaints, to sighs, and tears, 
 
 From supplicants who bore ye with their cares, 
 
 Unheeded and intruded on our ears.
 
 167 
 
 So when the voice of calumny outpours 
 Its streams, let candour shut the doors. 
 Repulse the gossip scandal of the base, 
 His speech deserves no favor, and less grace. 
 Yet joyous song, the prayer, or hymn of praise 
 Axe heard; and swiftly kindred feelings raise, 
 In the respondent soul, wherein we find, 
 Immortal qualities of humankind. 
 
 Why dost thee sigh, is it for yon fair lass? 
 Yes; since she will not hear my vows, alas I 
 Bright burns my flame, the hymeneal fire, 
 By pure love kindled, fan'd by chaste desire. 
 Mary's lov'd phiz, her modest voice and mien. 
 Black eyes, and brows to match, with dimpled chin, 
 All fair without, quite virtuous witliin, 
 Claim my respect and love. Hail my heart's queen! 
 
 This is my birth-day; doth it not appear 
 As the funeral of the bygone year? 
 Departed as a shadow, lost in time's career, 
 A portion of the irretrievable arriere. 
 
 The danger of impersonating, or acting in substitu- 
 tum, wlien we feel ambitious, or invited, to stand in 
 «ther persons shoes, you may put our foot in it, mala- 
 droitly and bring about a catastrophe on your own per- 
 sonal bacon, which might be intended for and inflicted 
 
 Q
 
 168 
 
 on the principal whom you represent as deputy or 
 proxy. In some cases where you render yourself 
 responsible and cudgelable from an offended party in 
 r!italiation; so by interference in a personal quarrel 
 between two excited belligerents, one or both may 
 liandle you roughly, perhaps to spare each other from 
 a good mutual thrashing, thus transferring the blows 
 to your ribs and shoulders. Thus, the novice who is 
 prevailed on to accept and put his name to a bill for a 
 few hundred pounds, merely to accommodate a friend 
 to raise the wind, may awake some fine morning from 
 a pleasant dream in bewildered astonishment at a visit 
 of a harpy of the limbo brotherhood, claiming the 
 penalty of his misplaced confidence, or imprudent 
 kindness, and inviting him to a retreat into banco 
 regina, non est solvendo, in seclusion to ruminate on 
 the ways and means of appeasing an importunate in- 
 jured creditor. Trust not unreservedly in man; never 
 become surety for a friend without some equivalent 
 safeguard, a pledge, guarantee, or a bona fide security; 
 or you may be entangled in the meshes of the law and 
 engulphed in ruin. 
 
 vStill benevolence, charity, and love must be freely 
 exercised towards the industrious in indigence and 
 sickness; due precaution is requisite to discriminate 
 amongst the uncertain, doubtful, dissembling manoeuvres 
 practised by some individuals in society, who may be 
 prompted by fraud or artifice, whilst others are com- 
 pelled to urge their appeals I'rom necessity or destitu- 
 tion on their fellow Christian's kindness.
 
 169 
 
 Mr S s, a traveller, took up his abode at an inn 
 
 at Bangor; when he had stripped for sleep he suspended 
 all his wardrobe on a peg outside his bed-room door in 
 the gallery, for the purpose of being brushed and dusted 
 by gentle menials. S — was a single and singular 
 chap; he possessed only this one suit, he never forgot 
 number one in its full integrity to the letter, the spirit 
 and the flesh. Whilst he slept and snored aloud his 
 whole lot of toggery was unhooked and carried olf from 
 it^ pendent position by a pedlar passing along the gal- 
 lery of the Bear Inn, who bagged this treasure trove. 
 He stared about in a state of phrenzy as he stood 
 shirt-clad gazing on the peg now stripped of all he had 
 
 possessed, and left him denuded and bare. S 
 
 sneaked back into his couch until " boots" lent him a 
 very little pair of leather breeches. The landlady, or 
 lady of the bar, sent her maid with a tender of a Welsh 
 flannel petticoat, until he was equipped de novo. The 
 ostler shod him with an odd pair of shoes and a wide- 
 awake ?itf/;less hat without a crown. With tears and 
 imprecations he begged the loan of an uncouth jacket 
 from this man of straw. At noon he was in an agony in 
 bed, where he submitted to be rough-shaved by a ten- 
 sor, who laughed in his mournful phiz as he lathered 
 and laid on suds of sopery with a pig bristle brush, 
 drawing blood-drops and groans at the strokes of the 
 rough razor-blade over the mazzard. lie sullied ibrth 
 in this beggarly condition in quest of the villain. At 
 a pawnbroker's door he challenged a gaunt figure 
 attired from top to toe in his very every-day habili- 
 ments; the wearer coolly assured him he had merely 
 
 Q2
 
 170 
 
 exclianged clothes with an old friend for the purpose of 
 raising a few pounds for a pressing emergency, both of 
 
 which he would return to Mr, S on his return, 
 
 from Neverfindem town, or nole me tangere, as soon as 
 the garments were redeemed ; in the mean time, quoth 
 this impudent thief, '* you can stump about in these 
 borrowed plumes, or rags as you are pleased to call 
 them." S— — fumed and foamed with rage, he turned 
 on his heel in pirouette, and never more met the pil- 
 ferer; he quickly invested himself in a second-hand 
 ready-made suit, and restored the garb borrowed of 
 boots and ostler. 
 
 Whilst we remain contented with our allotments in 
 life, are we not rich in the superlative sense? When 
 we feel dissatisfied in the midst of plenetude we are 
 poor indeed, and impiously ungrateful to the author of 
 the good which we enjoy. 
 
 Mr P had more than enough; possessed yet not 
 
 enjoyed it. The wish and appetite for increase are 
 inherent impiilses, they oft lead us forward from mode- 
 rate desires for acquisition to illimitable aggrandize- 
 ment, even to the unwarrantable possession of treasure 
 or its worth, until we become insatiable, and it becomes 
 our deity. 
 
 The heart beats with lively exultation and ambition 
 as wealth increases and its joys are multiplied, whilst 
 the world readily offers its homage and respect. Still
 
 the mind covets more, and an:s;iously devotes careworn 
 days and nights to the sordid delights of Maramon 
 monomania, the insensate idol of the soul. 
 
 Ennui and insouciance will succeed to a long career 
 of undisturbed enjoyment. Appetite languishes. The 
 heart ceases to beat with delight; the breath of life 
 surceases, no more to be agitated with disquietudes of 
 hope and its alloys, of desires and their disappointments. 
 Its late possessor is at rest, and his recent possessions 
 pass tranquilly into the hands of his successor for 
 another transition and mutation. The increase of 
 worldly comforts, bestowed on dissatisfied beings, tend 
 only to augment their cai'es and anxieties, and to cre- 
 ate and multiply their artificial wants and extravagant 
 desires, undeserved, because unheeded and unap- 
 preciated. 
 
 THE SWEDISH NIGHTINGALE. 
 
 MELLE L^D. 
 
 Fashion is the hallowed creed of a large portion of 
 our Avistocrazi/, which delights in the extravaganza of 
 life, as high card play, costly creature comforts, and 
 othdr inordinate expenditure of superfluous wealth and 
 leisure. Who perform homage and offer adulations in 
 the various temples or shrines of the coryphee, to the 
 assembled cantatrices and danseuses, whose operatic 
 displays as we are told in the " Morning Post," &c., 
 electrify, enrapture, and enchant the highly susceptible 
 
 Q3
 
 172 
 
 faculties of the ear and eyes of the admiring melange, 
 whose fulsome adorations savor of impiety or fatuity. 
 These idols of their obsequious worship, the exotic 
 beings of dance and song, are lavishly patronized to 
 the exclusion of more deserving native artistes, pos- 
 sessing harmonized skill, attractive beauty, assimilated 
 to us by national ties of patriotic indigenous friendship, 
 and surely better entitled to a preference of protection 
 and patronage, and not less from their capabilities and 
 attainments in this and every science. 
 
 Jenny Lind, the cantatrice prima donna of the day, 
 furnishes a glowing theme for fulsome flattery, poetic 
 and prosaic panegyric from the pens of editors in puffs 
 direct and euphonious eulogiums. Men of literary 
 talent, or those renowned in the arts and sciences, 
 would blush to be so inundated with such demonstra- 
 tions of personal homage. Would they not shrink 
 from the impending fall or shower of bouquets and 
 floral posey crowns descending at their feet in token of 
 adjudged merit, and expressive of enthusiastic accla- 
 mations? Still, if this silly custom promotes a frugal 
 innocent enjoyment of our leisure hours, we need not 
 discourage or shun the ephemeral illusion, unless we 
 pay too dear for our whistle, which forms my chief 
 objection to the furor of the patronising throng. 
 
 Now Jenny Lind, the Swedish Rossignol, 
 Allures the coryphee cheek by jowl ; 
 "Who rush to catch the song of philomel, 
 Panting in crush at opera, pell mcU,
 
 173 
 
 In raptures listen to her lyric skill, 
 
 Breathless and speechless, whilst she pours her trill 
 
 Of gushing, warbling, and harmonious song 
 
 Into the ravished ears of the bun ton, 
 
 Who idolize in temples, and enshrine 
 
 Music, the voice and dance, as 't were divine. 
 
 The theatres, the pageant halls, and courts. 
 
 By fashion's mania, revel in such sports. 
 
 Shame! that the exotic muse should wield the palm, 
 
 Whilst native melodists have powers to charm ; 
 
 That Britisli minstrelsy, with sterling worth, 
 
 Should prowess yield to those of foreign birth. 
 
 Those swarming broods of Italy's sleek sons 
 
 Flock to our shores importing their jargons 
 
 Into our isle, where infatuate ninnies 
 
 Listen to warbling song spinning jennies. 
 
 Exchanging aerial notes for solid gold. 
 
 From pockets of our John Bull's, young and old. 
 
 The sums exj)ended on these pamper'd elves 
 
 Would bless the indigent amongst ourselves. 
 
 Alack! that royalty, its suite and train, 
 
 Should give the people causes to complain. 
 
 Of undue preference to aliens shown, 
 
 Whilst Britons hands and hearts maintain the throne. 
 
 Millions each year ooze through Britannia's fingers 
 
 To pamper dancers, fiddlers, and outre singers. 
 
 Squander on idlers of a foreign soil. 
 
 Whilst hosts in penury must starve and toil. D. L.
 
 174 
 
 The merry dance I dearly love, 
 Witli Chloe frisking hand in glove. 
 
 To clasp her as in whirlagig we bound 
 
 In circles, whilst we waltz and twirl around 
 
 To catgut scrape, to pipe and tabor's soimd. 
 
 At a rural hop party assembled at the H Arms 
 
 Inn, near B -n, a reunion of thirty couple of either 
 
 sex mustered to enact contre dances and polkas. Negus, 
 sherry cobbler, mountain dew, with entremets of tea, 
 muffins, and stale buns filled up the pauses, and the 
 vacuums of their several ventricles at the buffet a boire 
 furnished with cakes and condiments. 
 
 At a late hour " Rogerly de Coverly" was called for, 
 when the disciples of Apollo, we mean the band, it felt 
 hungered and craving for the appointed meal of tripe, 
 onions, and baked potatoes for six. They therefore 
 councilled together and agreed to tire down, or knock 
 up, the figurantes, so that this Roger dance should be 
 the finale, and further hopping cease for the night, and 
 that the orchestrals might commence supper with lusty 
 appetites long bespoke and ready. Away they scraped 
 in hurried notes and off flew the squad in double quick 
 measure, sprawling in uncooth gestures and distorted 
 limbs, like that dance of " Tam o'Shanter's witches," 
 fast and furious. Within the space of fifteen minutes 
 from the start of these voltigeura they panted, puffed, 
 and staggered, as though sorebitten by Tarantala, or 
 inflamed by profuse potions of the wassal bowl. Creak- 
 ing of corsets and leathern stays were audible, whilst 
 cracking of fiddle strings and hard breathings broke
 
 175 
 
 upon the ear. Perspirous streams flowed down rnddy 
 cheeks, locks and ringlets of hair tresses, faded rilxjns, 
 ruffles, and mock roses, strewed the arena in ru<le 
 disorder aa the jumpers bounced and twisted in bump- 
 ing collision stern to stern, or vis a vis, tete a tete. 
 
 Running the raazy giddy round, 
 To music's stirring social sound, 
 
 Keeping measured time with the noisy thumps of their 
 wooden high heel shoes. 
 
 It's all up with me, cried the gasping James 
 McBrogue, as down he dropped on his dorsal terminus, 
 spread out at all fours, displaying an awkward pas de 
 quatre, drawing in his fall three females upon his car- 
 case, and the derision of the party. 
 
 On one he ventur'd to impress a kiss, 
 Hoping she took the salute not umiss. 
 
 In the melee Miss Jenny Flirt's shoe released itself 
 from the foot, which McBrogue snatched up and 
 fumbled into his bosom, thus exciting a lively palpita- 
 tion in the heart of the culprit. 
 
 Betwixt his waistcoat and the shirt 
 
 He slipt the slipper of Jane Flirt ; 
 
 Now " Hunt the slipi>er" was the general cry, 
 
 Yon damsel sits barefoot, " Oh lie, oh fie !" 
 
 Cried those who opined it a great scandal. 
 
 To see a nymph despoil'd of her sandal,
 
 176 
 
 Which Jem drew forth and proffer'd to tie on. 
 She rear'd her arms and voice, as amazon, 
 With roar and talons like a she lion, 
 Snatch'd the lost shoe, called him audacious clown. 
 With heel she rapp'd his nob, and with a frown, 
 Swore, if she were a man, she'd knock him down. 
 We have been Jloord already, McB rogue cries, 
 Why make a second hit, a fresh capsize? 
 Don't flash on me such fury from thine eyes. 
 
 During the melting heat of the gallopade a Mr Flam 
 stripped off his coat and tossed it among the drowsy 
 band, it fell on the drumhead, the parchment thumper 
 seized the flying garment which he stowed away 
 stealthily to the interior of the tambour, as a waif and 
 stray article, a treasure trove, gathered like a flower 
 en passant, picked up in 9<juinting silence. Flam thus 
 disarrayed strutted about the room in demi deshabillej 
 fuming with heat, all red with ire, betraying in the 
 rear of his nankeen shorts a patch of scarlet cloth, the 
 size of a hat crown, once the red riding hood of an old 
 woman's cloak, which a purblind tailor had stiched into 
 the seating thereof, intended by him as a substantial 
 repair, but by no means to be looked upon or admired 
 as an ornamental adjunct to his figure. The whispers 
 and giggles of the party plunged him in grief, drove 
 him to a corner of tlie ball room to take shelter and 
 repose on a stool, whereon lie soon i'ell a.sleep through 
 combined grief and vexation, dropping soon into a doze 
 or slight slumber, (hsturbed and bewildered with fitful 
 dreams and friglitful phantasmagoria. lie awoke, like
 
 177 
 
 a burly Britou, refreshed, slipping ofi" his perch to the 
 lloor. 
 
 His streaming brows he could not wipe, ah why? 
 
 His kerchief had eloped with taglioni, 
 
 That coat which luckless lumbring Flam had tost 
 
 Into the orchestra, alas, for ever lost. 
 
 He, who the tambour tlmmp'd secur'd the prize, 
 
 And with the captur'd garment home he hies; 
 
 Where from the unbrac'd drum he drags it out, 
 
 And at his uncle's shoves it up the spout. 
 
 One of the party, a publican, owed the band a grudge 
 for an unliquidated debt 
 
 For a long score, much too long in arrear, 
 Fop pipes of clay, tobacco, and strong beer. 
 
 Slily did Boniface shift the five moveable steps lead- 
 ing to the orchestra, just previous to the moving off of 
 the musical corps. As they bounced forth to supper 
 the leader sprung out in theatric movements, dropping 
 his entire length on the floor, his five comrades tripped 
 and tumbled heavily on the recumbent and his fiddle, 
 in awkward straggling postures, gathering up their 
 legs, whilst swearing in thorough bass at the scattered 
 overthrow. All scrambled out in rude disorder. On 
 their return from a rough refection they found the steps 
 replaced for hobbling up to the odeum. Harmony and 
 order was now at a discount; iho, chords and strings of 
 the instruments were wretchedly discort^ant, the band
 
 178 
 
 soon ceased to breathe, or to emit diapason sounds to 
 empty benches and deserted chairs. 
 
 The candles quick extinguish'd in the fray, 
 The assembly shuffled out and crept away 
 'Midst cooling, copious show'rs of rain, 
 Such gambols oft conclude in grief and pain. 
 
 The danseuses were quite disabled to resume their 
 anticks, the fuddled fiddlers had sneaked off to recreate 
 over their pewter platters and tankards, at the sign of 
 the " Goose and Grampus;" darkness and desertion 
 soon closed the doors and dropped the scene on hurly 
 burleyism, designated, or rather misnomerized as " a 
 dance," hard labour and painful exercise are oft em- 
 ployed as the means in pursuit of pleasure or fun. 
 Arriere pensee. 
 
 A fair nymph whilst standing up to be launched 
 or led forth by her partner in the dance, felt the hooks 
 and eyes, or snaps, of her garters entangled with each 
 other, so as to lock her petits pieds, thus were her legs 
 rivetted to the floor, transfixed like a statue stock still, 
 whilst the rustic youth in vain endeavoured to trot her 
 out in the melee. A cluster of dames, in bustle petti- 
 coats, kindly formed a screen encircling around her, 
 whilst she disenchained her fair limbs from the snaps 
 or buckles which clasped her thus rudely and held her 
 in durance and embarassment. The dis " order of the 
 garter" became a stanHmg joke in the town, allusive to 
 Miss Baisser's fixed position during ten minutes on 
 the boards. Her friends thought she was entranced or 
 mesmerised, or perhaps had inhaled chlori/<?r/» into
 
 179 
 
 her sylph-like form. She was soon afterwards bound 
 haTid and foot with Hymen's bonds; a prisoner at large, 
 unconfined, excepting as regards her plighted faith 
 and troth to her second self, i. e. the man of her free 
 accepted choice, Mr Branchaff. 
 
 The frivolous and frail sections of the fashionable 
 ranks appear delighted at the operatic jeremiades per- 
 formed by four foreign danseuses, designated as 
 " artistes de ballet,** who with charming attitudes and 
 winning smiles display symmetry of form, agility, and 
 grace of limb and features, con adore; fantastic in rapid 
 evolutions of their sylph clothed frames, yet bordering 
 on distortions of an exotic pantomimic character. 
 
 With legs displayed, of nature's choicest skill, 
 Form'd to obey the impulse of the will. 
 To frisk, to ambulate, or stand stock still. 
 Vcil'd though they be with petticoat and flounce, 
 Soon bared to view by spring of leap and bounce. 
 
 UNE PARTIE CARREE. 
 
 Fanny Cerito, Fanny EsUer, Taglioni, Lucill Grahn, 
 Descending on the boards, a plomb downright. 
 Drew down applause in roars from many a wight 
 Gaping with eager eyes to catch a peep 
 At well turned limbs v/hich haunt him in his sleep. 
 All take delight to sec, all love the fair, [stare. 
 
 *Save when with scarce cloth'd limbs she courts our 
 
 R
 
 180 
 
 Terpsichore once taught her nymphs the art 
 To dance, but not from modesty depart. 
 Nine tailors make a man I've heard ibllis ^ay, 
 Now one of the nine muses carry sway, 
 And lead our faculties and wits astray. 
 The step, the graceful movements of Cerito 
 Are most applauded when on her tip toe. 
 The flexibility of limb and nerve, 
 The pirouette, the vaulting spring and curve, 
 Then wreaths of flowers descend half faded 
 On nymphs over heated, and ^-wiVe jaded; 
 Sylphides near sinking with fatigue rush out 
 To a soft sofa and a swig of stout. 
 
 Roses, posies in wreaths and bouquets of Covent 
 garden flowers are flung on the stage at the end of a 
 pas de seul or de quatre by the voluptuous admirers ot 
 foot\m\\ fun, as ridiculous a practice as that of reward- 
 ing these performers with monstrous salaries or wages 
 for their nocturnal (ootfalls and Qareups on the dancing 
 Terpsichorean boards. The highQjeTS and short petti- 
 coated pirouetters delight the vacant observers, who 
 replenish the shrunk purses of these foreign pedestrious 
 adventurers. The music forms the most alluring ad- 
 junct to this art. Females, we presume, might be seen 
 to shine to more advantage, and in less equivocal posi- 
 tions, than when vaulting in the air, throwing and 
 shewing the understandings to the rude gaze of men 
 who admire the personation of modesty, who are in- 
 duced to inquire why the fair do not habit themselves 
 with breeches out of doors, since they wear tights on
 
 the stage, why they should enjoy a patent privilege for 
 an indecorous display at the public opera ? whilst in 
 private houses a decent deportment is preserved by 
 universal sumptuary rules and customs of our country. 
 In this grade of artists may be reasonably classed 
 Messrs. Scaramouch, Harlequin, and Columbine, pos- 
 ture-masters or gymnasia, clowns, zanys, and buifoons. 
 They arc confreres of the dancing tribe in the exercise 
 of distorted limbs and muscles, and are equally entitled 
 to share similar honors and compliments so lavishly 
 showered on the femini, in the shape of variegated tufts 
 of flowers and esculents, tulips and turnip tops, pinks 
 aud peashells, onions, cabbages, and pommes dc terre, 
 and such rural fragrant missiles supplied from the mar- 
 ket gratuitously, con amore. 
 
 Lumley is the ruling power, the Apollo of these 
 votai'ies; he was presented with a splendid cup in tes- 
 timonial of his courtesy and able management of the 
 corps de I'opera. 
 
 Jenny Lind, the Swiss nightingale, negotiates with 
 the manager of the theatre for payment of onhj £5000! 
 for warbling a few exotic airs each night during three 
 months. Should the directors become infatuate to 
 concede to these terms, or to disburse one tithe of that 
 sum on so frivolous, worthless a display. It will fur- 
 nish the page of England's history with another record 
 or blot of the national profligacy and folly shown in the 
 patronage of vocalists and danscuses. Assuredly the 
 vast bulk of the sensible and respectable community 
 deprecate and protest against such unworthy wastelul 
 outlays on bagatelles. It must be ascribed to u reck- 
 
 ii2
 
 182 
 
 less plethora of inordinate wealth unacquired by care 
 and industry, and possessed by the voluptuous and 
 effeminate sections of a portion of the higher orders of 
 society. Tending by such example, to infuse a spirit 
 of luxury and extravagance into the sober morals and 
 simpler manners of the great community. Nations 
 have invai'iably degenerated and fallen into decay 
 when their citizens have long indulged in costly vices, 
 and adopt a servile imitation of the corrupt and profli- 
 gate habits of those in higher stations. These corps 
 of foreign innovators are enlisted and hired to pillage 
 the nation of two millions per annum, even at a late 
 period during an awful crisis of famine and desolation 
 spread over a vast portion of the empire. 
 
 The ballet is over, the figurantes have lowered their 
 drapery, and we must drop the subject under a protest 
 to retire homeward, dissatisfied at the frivolous employ 
 of so many misspent hours by rational immortal beings. 
 A truce to criticism, the stage curtain is closed, and we 
 must prepare also to draw down the fringed envelopes 
 of the eyes in sober somlonency, to dream perchance of 
 the dancing days of our youth, more blithful and less 
 sophisticated than such artificial artistic manoeuvres as 
 we have witnessed chez I'opera last night for the last 
 time of my entre to the parterre of that temple of 
 recherche bon ton. Adieu la bagatelle etrangere.
 
 183 
 
 NOT VERSED IN VERSIFICATION. 
 
 Thrice have I essayed to print and publish 
 
 My essays, which friends and foes call rubbish. 
 
 Scraps of sad scribbling, dull vapours of the brain, 
 
 Not fit to read, or memory to retain. 
 
 On my dark manuscripts I'll throw a light, 
 
 A funeral pile of flame, in sad despite. 
 
 The winds shall waft away my scatter'd muse. 
 
 Nor leave a wreck for envy's vile abuse. 
 
 In vain her spirit have I oft invoked, 
 
 Now am I chop fallen and sore provok'd 
 
 To hear my commentators, those sour critics, 
 
 My prose condemn, and e'en dedamn my lyrics. 
 
 Tempted to raise a laugh we practice wit, 
 
 Yet often fail where one intends a hit. 
 
 Still puns on words I cannot quite disclaim, 
 
 Sometimes a simile befits a name. 
 
 A fishmonger may be a se/fish hind, 
 
 By virtue of his trade and crabbed mind. 
 
 Lobsters are staple articles in stalls, 
 
 Where with eclat* the rude piscator bawls 
 
 In praises of his turbot, sole, and salmon, 
 
 When dear or tainted we mistrust his gammon. 
 
 And seek elsewhere for fish to boil or fry. 
 
 From him ne'er more to ask for place or buy. 
 
 * A claw. 
 
 r3
 
 184 
 
 My friend BranchafF may be taxed as a man of loose 
 habits, referring to his palletot which hangs athwart 
 his shoulders not unlike a lady's sack, or loose robe of 
 the year 1720. His breeching brevities expand like 
 
 Dutchmen's hose, or as the late Sir Charles W 's, 
 
 always unbraced. The late Mr. L wore his nether 
 
 covering in an unsuspended condition, which being 
 much too large dangled droopingly towards his heels in 
 pendentive folds or bags. 
 
 Sauntering alone in a rural lane at Peckham I gave 
 vent to the song " I'd be a butterfly born in a bower," 
 suddenly I was surrounded by four urchin boys just 
 loosed from school, skipping and shouting about me, 
 curvetting in entrechats and cross capers, then playing 
 at " hide and seek," with "catch who catch can;" one 
 chap tugged at my coat flaps, dodging and hallooing 
 behind my back. Anon, the others made a rush to 
 snatch him in the rear, tore my waistcoat and trod on 
 my toes. In their recontre and struggle for capture I 
 was overthrown from a rough hit in the pit of the 
 stomach from the red haired head of one of the louts. 
 Shook and shattered as I lay, they considered it funny 
 to leap and tumble over my prostrate carcase in capriole 
 During the slow recovery of my body and limbs to an 
 upright position, they put theirs in quick motion en 
 escapade. 
 
 All took to flight in boyish glct;, 
 Rejoicing at their sportive spree.
 
 185 
 THE LATTER DAYS IN STORE. 
 
 Age is the terminus of toil and strife, 
 The spring or harbinger of future life, 
 The sear autumnal leaf will interlope 
 To blight our dulcet day of youthful hojje, 
 Whilst tufts of grey hair'd date soon interweave 
 Amongst my auburn locks without my leave- 
 Since time betrays such tokens of decay, 
 Prepare betimes for the departing day, 
 When lifeless dropt into the silent tomb, 
 The renovated soul may live in bloom, 
 To endless ages share that halcyon rest, 
 For mankind promised by God's behest! 
 
 GRAB US AD CORCULUM, 
 
 OB, SWEETHEART PKOGKESS. 
 
 The three deck graduated flounces, or furbelows, 
 around the females dresses of the current day may bt 
 indicated as symbols of man's progress to the favoritism 
 of fair maids, or spinsters. The lowest puckered 
 enceinte denotes the lirst approach by respectful avow- 
 als of esteem towards her ; the next, or second row, 
 imports that proposals of love have been tendered and 
 accepted after mature consideration by the enamoured 
 object of our love. Wo are then halfway to the con- 
 summation of our wishes, and approaching the posses- 
 sion of the feminine treasure. The tliiid or uppermost
 
 186 
 
 flounce is the index of the summit of our hopes. Then 
 the happy 'suitor may venture to clasp the wearer in 
 due acknowledgment in triumph and jubilee at his suc- 
 cessful verdict in the cause of hymen and honeyed 
 happy hours. 
 
 And cap the climax with a coscy kiss, 
 The herald liarbinger of promised bliss. 
 
 Respect and esteem are justly due from the humbler 
 to the higher casts of society by reason of their power, 
 intelligence, and wealth ; by their fostering patronage 
 they furnish employ with its remunerations, thus in- 
 fusing life-blood to tlie social system of vast populations. 
 It is no less obligatory on them to cultivate reciprocal 
 attachments towards that laborious order of our fellow 
 men to whom all are eminently indebted for the pro- 
 ducts and enjoyments of necessaries and luxuries of 
 which we daily partake, and are become almost indis- 
 pensible for the requirements of civilized society as it 
 is now constituted. 
 
 All works of art and utility are performed by the 
 industrious classes, they indeed constitute the dramatis 
 personae of the entire world's opera. They furnish 
 man's creature comforts, and replenish its daily waste 
 and consumption ; under God's providence tkey are his 
 agents. 
 
 Houses, equipages, dress, furniture, sustenance, and 
 sublunary delights are all the fruits of the operative
 
 187 
 
 skilful ai-tisan and mechanic, the whole period of whose 
 life is devoted to unabating exercise, exerting the 
 powers of his head and hands to minister to the wants 
 and fancies of the opulent, as also to the far greater 
 portion of mortals in the humbler grades for their sim- 
 ple requirements. He is entitled to enjoy a competency, 
 and to claim exemption or immunity from the caprices 
 of fortune during the period of his precarious tenure of 
 life, being most exposed to personal dangers, more vul- 
 nerable to sickness, casualties, and premature decadency, 
 and consequently presents a higher claim to protection 
 and sympathy than those in more independent stations 
 to whom the worldlings yield deference and servitude. 
 The affluent possess the means and appliances of the 
 bounties of providence, of which it behoves them to be 
 worthy stewards, whilst they indulge in the tempting 
 alluring gratifications. The investment of title and 
 power in the abstract is but a nominal distinction, 
 unless attended by the virtues and the graces. Sud- 
 denly their possessors are excited to vain glory and 
 ambition ; the enraptured fancy expands to scenes of 
 luxurious enjoyment, devising schemes for immediate 
 and future happiness. They imagine they hold a pa- 
 tent prescriptive right to domineer and dictate to those 
 whom they may consider beneath the horizon of their 
 conceit, below the level of their pride. Do not such 
 become idolaters or mammonists? since not a few of the 
 parvenu race worship the beau ideal, or idol, of riches 
 and honors, and the lying vanities of life, including the 
 indulgencies of vices and irregularities. In such deli- 
 riums the image of the deity recedes from the mind's
 
 188 
 
 eye in distant perspective, but faintly seen. The glo- 
 rious vision vanishes before the dazzling unhallowed 
 meretricious picture of earthly ephemeral delights so 
 vividly painted on the distempered imagination. 
 
 The Lord's denouncement of the rich is fearful and 
 discouraging. Dives was a prototype of sensual sump- 
 tuous offenders, who may provoke the wrath evoked, 
 and as pronounced in the holy writ of the Apostles. 
 Yet there certainly exist in the world numberless bene- 
 volent hearts, whom unsolicited, diffuse with liberal 
 hands comfort and assistance to their impoverished 
 fellow creatures in public and private benefactions, in 
 ministering to the sick and destitute in their affliction, 
 pouring balm into the wounded and desponding spirit 
 healing the broken heart of the sons and daughters of 
 sorrow, shedding a halo over the benighted bewildered 
 paths of their life's journey to its fitful end. 
 
 The dejected and forsaken of the land enjoy even 
 here below the consolatory beatitude of the Saviour in 
 their behalf a presage of indemnity and compensation 
 for each and every privation and long suffering endured 
 in probationary life. 
 
 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit of king- 
 dom of God." 
 
 " Come unto me all yc thai labor and are heavy laden and I 
 will give you rest."
 
 189 
 
 Mr and Mrs C dwelt in A — lane, B , their 
 
 domestic concerts were often discordant in sound and 
 sentiment, the social amenities interlarded with breezes 
 and blows. Yet there was a conformity in their sen- 
 sual swinish indulgencies, and they were regular in their 
 daily habits of inebriety. Brandy was the prevailing 
 beverage of the husband; gin was selected as the liquor 
 of his lady love. Conflicting in their ideas as were the 
 partizans of the red and white rose in the days of the 
 Yorkists and Lancastrians, of which this hopeful pair 
 bore respectively the hue and color. She was pale and 
 cadaverous as a faded lily floweret. Mr C. with crim- 
 soned nose and purple cheeks all redolent with wrath 
 and potations from the bacchant bowl. A neighbour 
 was lately witness to a pugnacious display between this 
 diabolous pair whilst seated in their own carriage 
 during a Sunday drive to church. Delirium tremens 
 terminated the worthless career of one ; the hapless 
 mate soon follcwed to the tomb the mortal terminus. 
 
 They and their follies burial in the dust. 
 Oblivious now, and pardon'd so we trust. 
 By our dread Lord, who to Man's vices gave 
 His promis'd power to succour and to save. 
 
 >' Thou Shalt have none other Gods but me." 
 " Lay not up for yourselves treasures on earth where rust 
 uid moth do corrupt, and where thieves break through and 
 
 steal." 
 
 The money, or monomania, prevails and pervades 
 nuiuy irrational bipeds, who become self-pauperised
 
 190 
 
 through their inordinate lust for wealth, which pre- 
 occupies and engrosses a shallow debased mind, such as 
 the miser possesses, who writhes under the accumulated 
 inflictions of destitution, self-denial of sustenance, and 
 the terrors of fear and dread to lose or part with those 
 treasures, whose possession are his sole torment. He 
 devotes the expiring ardour of his enfeebled body and 
 soul, solely to gripe and holdfast pelf in a torpid state, 
 quite irrespective of the only uses to which it should 
 be applied, and for which purposes moneys are coined 
 and collected, namely for distribution, in exchange for 
 the supply of the enjoyments and requirements of man's 
 existence. 
 
 Avarice misplaces the affections on the means instead 
 of the end and aim of the precious metal for better 
 purposes provided. This idolater worships the ore, a 
 dormant deity, his cherished depot of inutility which 
 he dreads to lose, yet dares not enjoy, nor appropriate 
 for the interchange of creature comforts, or the ready, 
 easy purchase of the industry and talents of our mutu- 
 ally dependent feUow-mortals, coheirs of the present 
 and future state. He sleeps little in his bolted and 
 debated dormitory, wearied and torn with anxiety, lis- 
 tening with bristled hair to barking curs and whistling 
 winds; anon he draws in his breath, and draws out his 
 blunderbus at half-cock. His scanty hasty meals are 
 swallowed without digestion, whilst he grudges the 
 waste and cost thereof, regretting with a sigh that 
 hunger should intrude itself into his empty stomach 
 unasked. Half famished and fevered with fright and 
 famine the besotted and deranged poor blockhead finds
 
 191 
 
 no tepose for his mind or body, and moodily meditates 
 suicide, madly urged and yet restrained by the dread 
 of leaving his dross behind for others. He dares not 
 look up to his Maker, for his heart is corrupted to the 
 core by mammon and morbid selfishness. Avarice and 
 lier evil train of Satan's subordinates, have enchained 
 his faculties and his hands. 
 
 The miser trembles, waking to behold, 
 His treasur'd nuisance, his insolvent gold, 
 Even to the creditor, or a friend, 
 He dreads the pangs to pay, to give, or lend, 
 With chests of ore, iron bar'd, and ice boimd heart, 
 He fears the stroke of fate, lest both should part. 
 But soon relieved by death, the worthless store, 
 Freed from his gripe, will trouble him no more. 
 
 He dies and makes no sign, oh God! forgive him! 
 His bondage is severed, and he is released from the 
 cares and terrors of his cupidity, whilst hie delighted 
 executors greedily unlock the coffreforts, and disperse 
 their long neglected contents, rationally and conven- 
 tionally in the current courses of trade, as the life-blood 
 in man's frame, circulates and imparts health and vigour, 
 in its irriguous fostering streams through society, so 
 
 Thus reservoirs of public happiness, 
 Through secret streams diffusively they bless. 
 
 May the last hours of such a misguided being bring 
 repentance, and obtain forgiveness, through the medi- 
 ation of the Redeemer ; and we hope that his own long 
 endured self inflicted pains and privations, during his 
 unhappy pilgrimage, may expiate all his offences 
 
 8
 
 192 
 
 towards God, and tlie perversion of his duties and obli- 
 gations to himself and man. 
 
 A Lady meeting Mr L in St. James's Street, 
 
 Brighton, with much apparent delight exhibited to his 
 notice her infant in arms, acquanting him viva voce 
 that the darling had cut her teeth! As the mother 
 opened her own mouth pretty wide, it was quite evident 
 that her dentes had long ago cut her; leaving a barren- 
 ness wherein molares and incisories erst had shone; but 
 now alas! bygone, long ago departed. One solitary 
 stump of a denticulum alone was left in front to mark 
 the wide desolation, as a relic or miniature monument 
 of the departed ivories which once graced her ruby 
 gums; and had for many years fulfilled the functions of 
 gastronomy. This single tooth is now the wreck of 32 
 late occupants of Mrs. H 's jobbernowl, the puta- 
 tive mother of that baby, reposing on her heaving 
 bosom, and inspired the following requiem for inscrip- 
 tion on my tablet. 
 
 Fish, flesh, and fowl, alternately employ, 
 Man's hungry maw, to seize and to destroy, 
 To cut, to grind, and tear the varied food, 
 Whene'er he masticates in eating mood. 
 But stript of tooth's appliances, he feels, 
 Sad void, a mumbling mockery at meals, 
 Then soup bouille, tit-bits, or broth. 
 Must satisfy the cravings of the mouth.
 
 193 
 
 When precepts and example wont avail, 
 Attach the offender to a cart's tail, 
 Then flagelate with thongs the guilty hide, 
 Inflicting penance while it cures his pride. 
 Pecadilles oft are punish'd with a fine, 
 Th' incorrigibles must have a cato'-nine. 
 
 To laugh at one's ow^u joking or croaking remarks 
 in conversation, betokens egotism, or a vulgar display 
 of self-love. Those shallow simples who cachinate and 
 cackle at the observations of others in your company, 
 betray rudeness, and are often considered insulting by 
 the listeners ; especially should they appear deficient in 
 the graces of speech, and personal propriety of manners 
 and address. 
 
 Grinning and grimace should rarely be indulged, 
 except by buffoons; since, whilst such contorsions 
 expand the jaws, they contract and diminish the respect 
 of friends and acquaintance, who may not be particularly 
 pleased at such muscular wanton Avaggery. 
 
 Smiles may be generally sported by the fair sex, for 
 those good disposed irradiations are indices of a kind and 
 benevolent temperament; they well become and improve 
 the plainest countenance, and much embellish and 
 increase the personal charms of even the most beautiful 
 visage, amongst the fairest of nature's works. The 
 mouth then appears to speak eloquently although the 
 voice is mute ; the brilliant eyes will also converse in 
 that language which is more impressive on the heart 
 
 s2
 
 194 
 
 than words can convey, which nevertheless, are pleas- 
 ing, harmonious, accompaniments, to those bright orbs, 
 in their enchanting visionary career of intercourse. 
 
 The dimples in each cheek are not unobserved by 
 physiologists, wherein they pourtray in fancy, a laugh- 
 ing pigmy Cupid, each with an arrow for such hearts 
 not unsusceptible of that warm passion, which has exer- 
 cised its potential sway from primitive age, ever since 
 Adam courted Eve, whence all inherit in degree the 
 mutual sympathies of love, as it is grafted inwardly in 
 the heart, expressed outwardly by words and deeds, by 
 gentle looks, and endearing epistles, or billets doux. 
 
 The powers of the female race are most effective in 
 soft persuasion; their influence in kind looks, in bland 
 speech, and graceful gestures of limb and feature, are 
 seldom unheeded. In the company of amiable women 
 we experience a gentle relaxation from wordly cares, 
 their personal charms and manners excite immediate 
 respect and esteem, which often and quickly extends to 
 a more intense feeling of admiration and attachment, 
 exalted to love's purity. Nature has bestowed the 
 initiate on the fair sex, they enlist our earliest wishes 
 and hopes, to obtain their favourable dispositions 
 towards us men. We are too apt to flatter ourselves 
 how solicitous they appear to gain admirers, and enlink 
 suitors; nature has endowed them with the ways and 
 means. Love and friendship shared in due reciprocity 
 and integral in each breast, constitute the charms of 
 existence; with well ordained beings they are the pres- 
 tiges of felicity. The alloys incidental to life will not 
 irxipair, but stimulate the mind to virtuous exertion.
 
 unless weakness or vacillation may shed their withering 
 circaen talisraa over the hesitating undecisive being, 
 ;itted, intended tor, and capable, of nobler purposes 
 
 Ye females, hallow'd mothers of mankind; 
 Fairest of form, more amiable in mind, 
 Than man, first-born in strength, yet can't compare. 
 With woman, best entitled to God's care. 
 
 A thinking man is surely not lonely when alone since 
 lie is then in company and communion witb a host of 
 ideas, arrayed in his sensorium or cei'bellum; bygone 
 events are brought forth in silent shadowy review 
 before the mind's eye; absent friends are personified, 
 and the endearing cheerful converse may be retraced, 
 and faintly heard again once more in the treasured 
 reminiscences of the brain. Trains of varied thoughts 
 and fancies crowd upon us in a state of quietude, ar- 
 ranged for revision and decision, preparatory to our 
 mixing in the frequent intercourse of fellowship or in 
 the tender liaisons of sexual affection, each become en- 
 hanced and strengthened by short intervals of absence, 
 tending to increase our fund of ideas, for intercommu- 
 nity at each reunion. The hours past in profitable 
 seclusion and quiet, increase the stores of intelligence 
 and knowledge, to impart and participate with family, 
 relatives, and friends, in the interchange of kind con- 
 verse and benevolent w^ishes towards each other. At 
 tira^s evil suggestions will arise intrusively on the 
 mind, as self interest, and its instinctive bias, urge the 
 
 s3
 
 196 
 
 active spirits to obtain them, and enjoy in excess and 
 extravagance. We may in these crises assume and 
 exercise those corrective virtues of courage, humility, 
 and self denial, those safe-guards with which man is 
 provided, as antidotes to the venom of vice and its 
 seductive train. 
 
 With pastry I am happy to go snacks, 
 " Toad in a hole," so call'd forms a nice pie; 
 At frogs in ditches boys oft take a shy, 
 So critics aim at dunces and poor quacks. 
 
 STEEPLE CHASE EVOLUTIONS. 
 
 These horse tormentors should wear foolscaps and 
 hells, such nimrods deserve the rod of flagelation and 
 the laugh of rustics; common sense estimates them 
 below par in the social mart of intelligence and deco- 
 rum. The noble horse when free, on which such boo- 
 bies ride, enjoys a rational instinct, which never 
 induces him to flounder over quags and ditches in pur- 
 suit of an aerial object viev/ed from afar; he loes not 
 feel inclined to race to a steeple, or castle, a will o' the 
 wisp, or any ignis fatui of whimsey addle-headed fur- 
 rore or such worthlesss incentives to idleness. To be 
 in characteristic keeping with these rough riders the 
 chase should be pursued on donkey backs, fitting com- 
 ates of such a scurvy pack of chevaliers: highwaymen
 
 197 
 
 take to the road, whilst these low fellows cut across 
 cornfields and trespass themselves, and horses hoofs on 
 private property; peril their necks, or victimize the 
 unoffending unwilling animals; inflicting on them short 
 wind with their long runs, precursors and prelusive of 
 disease and death; whilst their vigour and courage are 
 abused and misemployed, in the stupid sport of the 
 lordlings of the creation, the wanton cruelty of these 
 silly sons of the soil. Leave off these fooleries, or the 
 scribe will assuredly cut ye off in his last will. 
 
 He who is obstinate in refusing to accept all physical 
 advice and appliances when out of health, and obsti- 
 nately eschews to take physic or pills will be compelled 
 to take the consequences attendant on a neglect of 
 assisting to relieve nature*s obstructions, to restore a 
 debilitated frame, or check an incipient disease. We 
 might as consistently deny ourselves aliment when 
 hungered, or beverage when thirsty, or bite our hand 
 when extended to administer our food to the ready 
 mouth. 
 
 MUSIC. 
 
 Those dying warbling dulcet strains are welcome to 
 ray ravished ears again; like the sweet southern 
 breeze breathing over a bank of violets, diffusing balmy 
 odour. Musical sounds pervade the soul through the 
 auricular medium, the vestibule or portal to the heart, 
 where they vibrate in sweet union. The cares of the
 
 198 
 
 world are then banished from the mind whilst concen- 
 trating its best interests and attention on the gushing 
 melody, leaving no vacuum for the intrusion of 
 vexatious thoughts, or the reveries of wordly hopes 
 and interests. 
 
 Music, like beauty, is, when unadorned, most pure 
 and attractive; cantabilies and exotic extases are mere- 
 tricious aids. The pure energetic English ballads, 
 such as Black-ey'd Susan, the Storm, Peaceful slum- 
 b'ling on the Ocean, Oh, Nanny wilt thou gang with 
 me; the bold and cheering hunting and love songs of 
 Shield, and of many other vocalities, which breathe the 
 chaste and simple graces of genuine English melody, 
 and such as in our youthful years, the sunshine of past 
 days, have oft charmed our ears and delighted the 
 heart; all enhanced by the familiar sounds from the 
 voices of compatriot friends, kinsmen, and such as we 
 love best to listen to and applaud. 
 
 Wit is the juxtaposition of dissimilar ideas for some 
 lively purpose of awimilation or contrast, generally of 
 both. It is the clash and reconcilement of incongru- 
 ities, the equivocal varied phraseology of humour and 
 goodnature. Its impromptu sallies may be spiced with 
 gentle sarcasm, but ungarnished with gall or acerbity, 
 embodying a two-fold idea, or double entendre, unmixed 
 with baser matter, divested of any taint of indecorous 
 hints or allusions. Honi soit qui mal y pense.
 
 199 
 
 SUaviug is a performance or opera at which one may 
 cut and come again, as wags remark over a bai'on of 
 beef. 
 
 To shave, or not to shave ; that is the question. 
 Whether to trim and smooth the bearded jowl, 
 Or let the shag o'crspread the golden bowl. 
 Scrape as you will the muBzle and your chin, 
 The beard will flourish, crops will come again. 
 Should it remain uncut a month or two, 
 The human face assumes the kangaroo, 
 Or vies with the orang outang, or goat. 
 As dandies in moustache denote the brute. 
 Like scaramouch pourtrayed in pantomime, 
 Or zany in his dotage, dribbling rheum. 
 
 MEMOIR FROM MY BIOGRAPHY. 
 
 Mr. J , a joiner, enjoyed a chister of distorted 
 
 discoloured teeth in the upper and lower tier of his 
 jowl, or golden bowl. Several protruded for that dif- 
 ferent angles, all nonvertical, thereby twisting his 
 mouth into varied uncooth shapes or grimaces, expand- 
 ing and contracting the orifice spasmodically, and never 
 closed. He wore a constant broad grin, or dumb 
 cachination, even on solemn and serious occasions, 
 whether at a funeral or in a church. Many took offence 
 and fancied he was making faces or lau2rhinor at them 
 insultingly, for which he stammered out an apology to 
 avoid a thrashing or being turned out of the room. 
 The members of the " Ugly Club" prevailed on him to 
 sit for his portrait, daubed in oil, lie was invited to
 
 200 
 
 dinner on the hanging day, when he was delighted to 
 behold his sign or effigy dangling from a peg in all its 
 deformity as a fac simile burlesqued into a sinister 
 squint overlooking the lower damaged features already 
 hinted at in this sketch. He was persuaded, but de- 
 clined, to submit to the extraction of his whole lot of 
 teeth and substitute a new double row which a dentist 
 proffered to perform for £10, with a post obit bond for 
 the return of the bones or ivories on the demise of the 
 wearer. A proboscis, or nasus of Bardolpliian size 
 and color surmounted this precious mouthpiece, more 
 useful than ornamental. 
 
 My friend J felt always shy in company, and 
 
 held a kerchief over the offending members; his mum- 
 bling speech was thus indistinctly heard, and the 
 muffled visage imperfectly visible. I advised him to 
 wear a black veil, or a little portable mask, as he had 
 received some letters intimating the disgust and alarm 
 entertained by some females en peu enceinte, and* 
 dreading une fausse couche, or abortion, from an abrupt 
 
 recontre with J in the streets, where children fled 
 
 at his approach, and dogs snarled as they bounded 
 
 away from him in terror and affright. J was not 
 
 yet clasped in the bonds of Hymen, lacking the courage 
 to avow a fondness for the fair, and dreading a flat re- 
 fusal with contempt and frowns, at such proposal of 
 hand and heart from so disfigured a mortal man. Yet 
 our hero was considerable reputable in his social pur- 
 suits and worldly ways in spite of his teeth, and malgre 
 the nasal disproportions and discolouration thereof. 
 At length a short built stout widow beheld him with sheep's
 
 201 
 
 eyes, which penetrated the recesses of his bosoui, ami 
 excited a sensation therein. Both became entangled in 
 love's meshes and entrapped in Hymen's chains, or 
 chords harmonious, at the end of a May month's court- 
 ship. " Handsome is as handsome does," quoth Mrs. 
 
 J , as she tickled her spouse's ear, and hinted for 
 
 the possession of a ten-pound note for the exigencies of 
 her deficient wardrobe, and for the replenishment of 
 her exhausted little treasure box. From their united 
 efforts and sympathies resulted several little juvenile 
 J — 's, unattended with any dispute or quarrel. 
 
 As they sat hand in hand, tete a tete, discussing 
 
 domestic duties, " J , my dear," quoth she, " we 
 
 should put Tom and Jemmy into breeches." " I have 
 no objection to provide those articles," replied he, "but 
 the boys may put themselves in when they wear them. 
 
 The Rosemary Lane rag fair 
 
 Will rig and fit them to a hair. 
 
 • Mrs. J proposed to cut down and reduce in 
 
 miniature her husband's second best shorts for the 
 urchins equipment, but he declined to be unbreeched, 
 or disembrogued, for such puposes. The conference 
 terminated with an arrangement to clothe their nether 
 limbs with habiliments of green baize for the winter, 
 and imnkeen during the summer. They were getting 
 in to their teens and should not stump about in petti- 
 coats any longer ; now the eldest boy had weathered 
 nine winters, and should no more be kept in abeyance 
 touching the nether garments. 
 
 For ray parts I prefer a buckskin pair, 
 Yellow as gold, and fitting to a hair. 
 But during dog days I wear bombaseen, 
 Color'd with hue of pea or olive green.
 
 202 
 
 1 should have no ambition to embrace 
 
 A Venus of the Hottentotty race. 
 
 Whose figure head, with elephantine rear. 
 
 Bespeak a being not unlike a bear. 
 
 Still man and monkey, pig or porcupine, 
 
 Attest through nature's works the power divine. 
 
 From insects mean to female charms and worth; 
 
 Each as a link, from wisdom owes its birth 
 
 To a kind Providence, in whose blest domains. 
 
 Encircled with his heavenly host, he reigns. 
 
 All perfect there, the empyreal throngs 
 
 Surround the throne with hymns and hallowed songs 
 
 EURAL BARBER, 
 
 WHO LOCATED AT THE ISLE OF DOGS, 
 
 Cut hair for three halfpence, for three pence he bled; 
 For a groat he would draw ev'ry tooth in your head; 
 For a blast or a mildew he cared not a pin, 
 His crops never failed which grew on the chin ; 
 The fair one whose charms did this barber enthral, 
 At the end of Fleet market kept a fish stall; 
 Indignant she said, " No chin scraping sot 
 Shall be tackled to me by the conjugal knot; 
 Since tripemen and fishmongers vie for my favor, 
 D'ye think I'll take up with a twopenny shaver." 
 
 The pence which he earned by exision of bristle, 
 Were devoted each night to whetting his whistle.
 
 203 
 
 From early years a barber was he bred, 
 
 To cut down beards and shave the bumpkin's head, 
 
 Whilst some from smarting razor blades loud raved 
 
 As he scraped on, as ruthlessly he shaved, 
 
 Chins would shed crimson drops, from clumsy strokes 
 
 From razors, cutting neither beards nor jokes. 
 
 Sti'op lathered on, regardless of their cries. 
 
 Whilst suds suffused the nose, the mouth and eyes, 
 
 Intent only to earn his copper prize. 
 
 The penny which was paid by bearded chaps. 
 
 Not to draw blood by rough-handed mishaps. 
 
 One of his customers owed him for a wig, and might 
 be considered head over ears in debt, which he pro- 
 mised to return when worn out. It was not his own 
 hair, being Mwpaid for and wnnatural. 
 
 Non compos corpus when the limbs succumb, 
 . Non compos mentis finds the mind humdrum. 
 
 A TOPOGRAPHICAL TRACT, 
 
 BY THOMAS TRUCK, 
 A TRIPE TRIMMER AT COW CROSS, LONDON. 
 
 In the suburbs of Westminster city a spacious court, 
 called Utopia Place, intermural and quite antirural, 
 was inhabited by a humble population of operative 
 artizans, a sort of purblind cul de sac, wherein ingress 
 and egress were only found attainable at one end; 
 neither sun nor moon were ever visible within these 
 
 T
 
 204 
 
 precincts, visionary only from the mind's eye. The man 
 monkey from the theatre is the sole star. 
 
 Which twinkleth as he sojourns here, 
 In his attic dormitory sphere. 
 It boasteth of no thorougfare, 
 Nor aperture for purest air. 
 
 It offers no escape from the angry pursuit of men or 
 animals. 
 
 Of baited bulls with feU intent to toss one, 
 Or bloated bailiffs with writs of caption. 
 
 In this valley you may sit snug at your own door 
 uncoated, hats off, with females in stays disrobed of 
 gown in summer's broil and toil. You cannot be set 
 down at " sweet home" by voiture, unless by the con- 
 veyance of sedan chair or wheelbarrow, because cara- 
 vans and carts are inadmissible through the narrow 
 postern. One here sells beer, trumpets, blankets, and 
 fiddles, soap and stationery, cream, bloaters, and con- 
 fectionery. The vista of this nest of dwellings at the 
 court end terminates on a snug barber's museum, from 
 whose frontispiece a painted pole projects, forming a 
 staff to an enormous waving bunting flag, inscribed in 
 gold-coloured letters, shaded. 
 
 All here may cut and come again, 
 
 To lose their beards and be shav'd clean ; 
 
 Here ears are bor'd at moderate price, 
 
 Bad teeth extracted in a trice. 
 
 Wigs here are sold for nimiskull nobs, 
 
 Scratches for bald pates of old snobs.
 
 205 
 
 Groups of honest artizans may be espied smarting 
 under the hands of the razor bearer; some seated on a 
 long deal bench alfresco, quite uncanopied, without 
 even canvas awning or shed to skreen the sitters from 
 rude clowns' remarks, rough winds, or smart pelting 
 showers, awaiting patiently their turns to be soaped 
 and shorn, lathered and lacerated with blunted razors. 
 Others were indulging with tobacco fumes to puff away 
 the loitering hours from pipes streaming with smoke 
 and stench, which idlers too oft imbide, alas, alack!' 
 
 A pump with lamp aloft shines as the sun in the 
 centre of this lively locality, Avhence the temperance 
 members draAV their aquatic resources from earthen 
 pitchers or iron bowls enchained. This hydraulic 
 engine becomes too often degraded to unseemly un- 
 sightly purposes, exercised in washing large dogs and 
 little boys, bed and body gear, fish and foul linea, 
 sheets and shirts, trowsers and toggery, anon all 
 dangling and floating on slack ropes to dry and yield 
 their reeking moisture to the atmosphere or desert air. 
 Beneath these dripping varied vestments the court cot- 
 tiers are compelled to grope to and from their abodes, 
 crouching in devious ways and cautious tread. 
 
 The monster lamp serves to light these alley bred 
 amateurs to bed, dispels darkness and dangers riie 
 during the night, whilst they dream or toss in their 
 couches and pallets, bewildered by nightmare, tortured 
 with tooth ache, or griped by grog and flatulency. 
 
 The lads pastime of leap frog was sported here uu 
 natural by numerous immigrants from an adjacent 
 ditchery. The urchin boys proved their skill in pas- 
 
 T 2
 
 206 
 
 times of hoops, marbles, and skipping ropes in the open 
 area of this clustered hive when let loose from school. 
 " Chaos is come again," roared out a rustic as he stared 
 at and heard the discord and devilry congregated 
 within this herd of human beings and subordinate 
 animals in gregarious confusion running the giddy 
 round. 
 
 Let others guard this vale, and those within, 
 Qnoth Joseph Stumpy, with a frightful grin. 
 Whilst I shall sleep at home in a whole skin. 
 vSuch formed the melee of this sporting throng, 
 Since air and exercise to all belong. 
 And claim the tribute of my votive song. 
 The palace may contain a narroiv mind, 
 A noble soul oft dwells within a hind, 
 Whose humble industry its comfort brings, 
 Moi'e lasting, less embittered, than a king's. 
 
 Pigs were here immolated to the voracious appetites 
 of the inmates, they were destined to bleed and supply 
 cates for gourmands in the varied dissected forms of 
 pork chops, pettitoes, and sausages. 
 
 Boys strewed slips of orange peel in his path, on 
 which he slipped and stumbled, getting three ugly falls 
 within a week, dropping on all fours as a tortoise, 
 Avith an awkward spread of arms and legs, on the pub- 
 lic pavement, more adapted for perambulation than 
 antic exhibitions and postures. 
 
 Each stalwart housekeeper undertakes to personate 
 an alternate charge of watch and ward, parading the 
 entrance gates in the authority of beadle or ogreman
 
 207 
 
 with truncheon armed, and ferocious frown on brow to 
 awe and intimidate the unruly; to exclude all wanton 
 intruders, whether hogs or hoi'ses, beggars and ballad 
 bawlers, &c.; also to distribute to the passers by puffs 
 and printed bills of the several trades and crafts prac- 
 tised by the lumpkin inhabitants of this favored alley. 
 This night or watchman kept aloof from this retreat all 
 vagrant rival hawkers, pedlars, and medlers in their 
 costermonger callings or bawlings. A watchbox, as a 
 lodge, was conspicuous for this staff officer on duty to 
 take a nap and a pot of stout, enriched with a pipe. 
 From this cribbed close abode he seldom emerged 
 during darkness, except on some pressing emergency ; 
 or, for instance when startled awake through a horrid 
 dream, or from the barking of dogs; sometimes urchins 
 would annoy him with missiles of uncomely quality, 
 pelted into his sentry box or kennel, which has been 
 recently transfixed to the ground securely, owing to some 
 wicked attempts to overturn and capsize the slumberer 
 as he snored aloud. Brave as a Bobadil or Bardolph. 
 he seemed on a false alarm, (hen would he fulminate 
 and fume manfully; but when a dangerous rude assault 
 approached in person his courage evaporated as he 
 sneaked and shuffled off to save his bacon and avoid a 
 rib roasting by cudgel process. In any conflict he held 
 himself neutral, and maintained a strict incognita. 
 
 A cabbage stalk had struck him on the snout, 
 Quick he stalk'd forth, and sharply look'd about. 
 The vagabond had scampered out of siglit. 
 So he crept vi, somewhat in damag'd phght, 
 Vowing " he'd no more, keep the watch at night" 
 
 t3
 
 208 
 
 Try Circe's art, and in the tempting bowl 
 Drink sweet oblivion's poison to the soul. 
 
 A wag called for his bill at an inn wliere he had 
 dined. The waiter charged for three whitings ; you 
 are wrong said the guest, I had two whitings and o«e 
 smelt. I shall pay for two only. 
 
 The other you may either send to sea, 
 Or entomb it in your own beUy. 
 I have paid thro' the nose for one bad fish. 
 Which you may serve up in your own dish. 
 
 Present, past, and future, the triunity, 
 lavolv'd in Jehovah's eternity. 
 
 The present fleeting hour man's circumscribed sphere 
 of action, is the pivot of life, on which our thoughts 
 piroutte in its various contingent phases and changes^ 
 looking around on the countless beauties and bounties 
 of creation with untiring admiration, Avhilst we are 
 permitted to sojourn here, and indulge in thosa mani- 
 fold comforts strewed in our paths; all partake in kind 
 and degree, none are entirely excluded by nature's 
 laws ; power, skill, and fortuitous combinations, have 
 eyer established prior accredited prescriptive rights 
 between men, for the varied changing gifts of fortune. 
 The present in its active avocations is cotempory with 
 tbe future, the beginning of the end in one series or 
 sequence. We look back on the past panorama of 
 buman existence v> ith smiling regret at the earlier days 
 of youthful enjoyments; the retrospective scenes are
 
 209 
 
 vivid in the imagination, evoking the once enjoyed and 
 sweet intercourse of dearest friends and beloved asso- 
 ciates, some lately sepulchered in an early tomb, others 
 liave dropt as the autumnal leaves in maturity, or 
 faded into the decadency of honorable old age full of 
 years. For such fellow favorites whom we once did 
 fondly love or sincerely esteem, the tearful sigh is a tit 
 and faithful epitaph silentio. Such of us who survive 
 the era of our manhood with healtli and the world's 
 competency, dare not be ungiateful for a safe and com- 
 fortable journey, in the pilgrimage of life's existence, 
 whose pleasant road is at times strewed and inter- 
 spersed with sickness, sorrows, and corroding cares, 
 I'elieved by alternate compensating joys, afforded to our 
 mental and corporeal faculties, best enjoyed and appre- 
 ciated by a thankful contented humble heart. 
 
 Our familiar former songs and conventional glees 
 amidst friends and brothers once gratified our ear, 
 must now satisfy the memory, even as the native com- 
 mon flowers influence and delight the eye as we catch 
 the recollection of strolling over heaths and commons 
 in our pristine days, now almost numbered, and soon 
 must merge and be lost in the eternal current of hal- 
 lowed time's eventfull course. 
 
 Then in our youth as we inhale the balmy air, and 
 the aroma of wild flowrets and shrubs, the heart re- 
 joiced in the impulses of rude health, joyous spirits and 
 sports, anon partaking of those of the field and fireside, 
 dancing halls, or social symposium. We are instructed 
 and encouraged to look forward to the termination of 
 our career with humble trust and hope to the beginning
 
 210 
 
 of a new unknown epoch, to a beatific state in celestial 
 abodes " as promised to our forefathers and their seed 
 for ever^"" on the terms and conditions as are enjoined 
 by Grod for man's temporal and eternal welfai-e. " Come 
 unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I 
 will give you rest." Such is our Lord's beneficent 
 summons. 
 
 Shadows and dark clouds rest awhile and pass over 
 our heads during our sojourn here, veiling to the 
 creature's finite view the vast effulgent light and glory 
 of the Godhead and his eternal kingdom, shed and 
 spread around to infinity, yet is it faintly manifested to 
 our partial limited prospect from the mind's eye, finite 
 beyond our aerial atmosphere, all is circumambient 
 with the emphyreal regions of divinity, unmixt with 
 baser matter, devoid of ought but what is good and 
 fair, now and for ever. 
 
 Yesterday, to day, and the morrow prove; 
 God's mighty pow'r! His everlasting love. 
 
 A CRACK CROCKERY AND EARTHEN- 
 WARE DEALER. 
 
 Mb. snooks on THE CHINA QUESTION ; 
 A SOLILOQUY IN BED. 
 
 When sleeping mortals taste oblivion's sweets, 
 Deeply imbedded in soft down and sheets; 
 Hallow'd be ev'ry night with pray'r and praise, 
 Prelusive to the coming bustling days.
 
 211 
 
 MORAL, OK ETHIKS. 
 
 Awake, the dawn invokes our worldly cares. 
 To look for customers and sell our wares; 
 Servants are china smashers, man and maid. 
 The more they break they benefit the trade. 
 Let glass be crack'd and crockery destroy'd, 
 Soon we'ell replenish and fill up the void; 
 Of pots and pipkins whether broke or flaw'd. 
 Bottles are emptied at each drinking bout, 
 China and fragile glass will ne'er wear out. 
 They must be wasted too, and thrown aside, 
 To help the market, and fresh stock provide; 
 Yet save tlu; bits of what are gone to pot, oh ! 
 They'l form egad a very px'Ctty grotto; 
 With shells of oyster, muscle, perewink. 
 Where one may sit to ruminate and drink, 
 Success to brittle ware, may wooden platters sink 
 Preserve some pieces in their shivcr'd state. 
 They'll serve to send each friend a piece oi plate. 
 
 A brace of oysters remained untasted on a dish at 
 table whereat three were assembled. One a lawyer 
 announced an elegy on the bivalve pair, saying they 
 were united in their lives and in death are not divided. 
 Yet he should venture to make a division with an 
 opening knife blade, and share them in a legal though
 
 212 
 
 some might sonsider it in a sellAsh manner. The 
 edible portions would devolve to him asyVeeholds in 
 possession. The conquiliac or shells would become 
 apportioned to his two friends as residue in fee, who 
 might experience more delight in possessing these 
 testaceous curiosities, than in digesting the animals 
 enclosed and incarcerated, and which he had extracted 
 and dissolved by gastronomic process. 
 
 LAWYER LOQUITOR. 
 
 " The fish ephemeral is bolted soon. 
 
 Your shells will last a valuable boon -, 
 
 To decorate a grot, or garden walk, 
 
 \^'^le^e boobies lounge, or idle loiterers stalk." 
 
 '' Forewarned forearmed," a pithy proverb advising 
 all to take a hint and timeiy precaution against impen- 
 ding troubles, to be prepared for premeditary attacks 
 wherever we may consider ourselves vulnerable. The 
 personal fear or mental apprehensions are excited by 
 threatening shocks, man's energies then are aroused to 
 consider, devise, and fortify the defences. The mind 
 instinctively foreshadows the approach of events of a 
 disastrous or alarming kind, and feels despondent at 
 the forebodings of danger to our temporal or spiritual 
 interests, until its energies are quickly called into 
 action.
 
 213 
 
 The spirit of the gentle devout christian is comtbrted 
 and fortified under worldly trials, his resignation tends 
 to disperse the glooms of threatening storms, and rallies 
 his resources for any encounter, supported by pious and 
 conscientious intentions resulting from divine philoso- 
 phy. A guardian angel appears to sit behind each 
 cloud, to cast and shed abroad his surety of deliverance, 
 like a rainbow over the darkness of the storm, convert- 
 ing by his benign influence every source of sorrow to a 
 soft stream of joy and blessedness. " Take my yoke 
 upon you for it is easy, and my burden is light." 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Brighton ; C. Verrall & Co., Printers, 2 & 8, Prince Albert St.
 
 EERATA. 
 
 Page vii. line 2 tor wntnisrifiU rend manuscripts. 
 X. line 1 1 fov indif/nativn read indiffnities. 
 6. line 17 for comer read cornea. 
 23. line 13 for Longeure read bonyenie, 
 28. line 30 for renon/nic read renomme. 
 
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