/ < THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 

 
 ...i,/ 
 
 J X
 
 TWO CLERKS OF OXENFORD; 
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE?
 
 THE 
 
 TWO CLERKS OF OXENFORD; 
 
 AND 
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE? 
 
 " PARVE, NEC INVIDEO, SINE ME, LIRER, IBIS IN URBEM." 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR E. KERBY, STAFFORD STREET, 
 BOND STREET. 
 
 1819.
 
 Printed bji J. BiettrU, Hupert Strtet, 
 Hat/market, London,
 
 rf' 
 
 TO 
 
 JOHN ANSTEY, Esq. 
 
 Sir, 
 
 Though a writer, who does not venture 
 to prefix his own name to his work, may incur the 
 charge of presumption, hy introducing it to the 
 public under the auspices of one, whose name 
 ranks so high in the literary world as that of the 
 Author of The Pleader's Guide, he will at 
 least escape the imputation of flattery, when he 
 avows the motive by which he was induced to 
 take such a freedom. To whom can humorous 
 trifles. like these be so properly inscribed, as to him, 
 who has enriched the literature of our nation, with 
 the happiest specimen of true English humour of 
 which it can boast? Though to the Author of The 
 Pleader's Guide no greater distinction, than 
 that resulting from the reputation acquired by his 
 
 825064
 
 VI 
 
 work, may be necessary; you, Sir, possess one, 
 which surely may be regarded as a worthy addition 
 to the fame gained by your own efforts an here- 
 ditary claim to celebrity, as son of the writer of 
 The Bath Guide. Of you it may not only be 
 truly said, " sequilur Patrem" but that you follow 
 him " passibus cequis.''^ What more honourable 
 can be said of any Writer, or what more gratifying 
 to the feelings of any Son? 
 
 I might assign some other motives, by which I 
 was induced to solicit your patronage of these 
 little jeux (Tesprit; but I must not run the risk 
 of making my Dedication longer than my Poems. 
 I will therefore merely add that I am 
 
 Sir, 
 
 Your obedient Servant, 
 
 THE AUTHOR.
 
 THE 
 
 TWO CLERKS OF OXENFORD; 
 511 ale. 
 
 At Christmas, nights are long, and days are short; 
 And, what with rain, and wind, and snow, and frost, 
 I wot that trav'lUng is but scurvy sport. 
 If some untoward country must be cross'd. 
 Or if, by some mishap, one's way be lost. 
 Or if, what I conceive than all is worse. 
 There is a lack of money in one's purse.
 
 8 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 2 
 
 Now, when these obstacles at once combine, 
 
 In their snug mansions quietly to rest. 
 Unless occasion presses, I opine. 
 Would suit the common run of trav'llers best. 
 And not expose their tempers to such test; 
 For oft, when cross-grain'd accidents conspire. 
 Tempers, like post-horses, are apt to tire. 
 
 3 
 
 Such things have happen'd, and may still occur; 
 Though, in these fortunate and polish'd days. 
 When none, who boast gentility, can stir 
 But in the royal mail, or snug post-chaise, 
 Few in their minds can an idea raise 
 Of what it is in pitch-dark nights to ramble. 
 Through by-paths dark and miry lanes to scramble.
 
 OF OXENFORD. 9 
 
 4 
 
 Such was the fate which once two Clerks betided. 
 
 At OxENFORD their studies who pursued. 
 The country was not, as 'tis now, divided ; 
 On turnpike roads no posts directing stood. 
 But all was open, wild, entangled, rude, 
 Thro' which the luckless wights, who sought their way, 
 From their right road might not unlikely stray. 
 
 5 
 
 These learned Clerks to holy Walsingham 
 
 With travel sore their pilgrimage had made, 
 Peter was one, the other John by name. 
 ^ When at the shrine were their devotions paid. 
 
 Themselves in lowly garments they array'd. 
 At once to avoid the charge of ostentation. 
 And make more cheaply their peregrination.
 
 10 THE TWO CLKRKS 
 
 G 
 By slow degreu tow'rdA Oxenporu they drew. 
 Hoping, ere one more day of toil were past, 
 They might her colleges and halls review; 
 When, suddenly, the sky was overcast. 
 And whistled round their beads a howling blast; 
 The rain, as if by pailfuls, o'er them pelted. 
 And into liquid mud their road was melted. 
 
 7 
 The night came on, and dark it was as pitch; 
 
 Soon were the luckless Clerks drench'd to the skin, 
 Now caught by brakes, now flound'ring in a ditch. 
 Now m a quagmire nearly up to th' chin. 
 One with rent tunic, one with broken shin; 
 Never, I ween, were pilgrims so astounded. 
 Or so by warring elements confounded.
 
 OF OXENFORD. H 
 
 8 
 'Twas bad to advance, and yet to stop was worse ; 
 Call as they would for aid, no one could hear ; 
 They might, perchance they did, their fortunes curse. 
 For even learned Clerks will sometimes swear ; 
 'Till, as when most seem'd their condition drear. 
 They saw a light at a short distance twinkling. 
 And the next moment heard a shrill bell tinkling. 
 
 9 
 
 Quftth Peter, ' Hear'stthou, John ? Dost see you light? 
 
 ' By her of Walsincham, relief is nigh, 
 ' Some friendly roof, where we may pass the night : 
 ' Let's hasten on, and for admittance try. 
 ' If, as I ween, it prove a Priory, 
 ' Kind-hearted Monks, whate'er may be their <piality, 
 ' To Clerks like us, will shew their hospitahty.'
 
 19 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 10 
 ' Thou rea'nest well, friend Petf.k,' answcr'd John; 
 
 ' Tliat bell to refectory calls, I gucs* ; 
 ' The hour suits well our purjHMe; so trudge on.' 
 He said. In confidence of full success 
 Their forward course they vig'rouly 'gan pre. 
 Nor halted 'till, exhausted and up-knock'd. 
 They came to a massive gate securely lock'd. 
 
 II 
 ' So far, so well,' <|uoih John; 'now for our fate: 
 
 Come what, come may, I'll venture it.' With thai 
 He rais'd his staff, and loudly smote the gate. 
 Straightway appear'd a monk uf stature s^juat, 
 Not spare and pale, but rusy-gill'd, and fat. 
 Of most capacious paunch, and with an air, 
 Not sanctified, but gay, and delxmair.
 
 OF OXENFOED. 18 
 
 13 
 
 The goodly Monk star'd hard on either Clerk, 
 
 Anxious no doubt to gain some information ; 
 But, as the entrance was extremely dark. 
 He could not acc'rately make observation. 
 Indeed their looks were no recommendation. 
 For their mean garbs, at first no mighty matters. 
 Were fouly stain'd, and nearly torn to tatters. 
 
 13 
 
 AAer short pause, he ask'd what they would have ? 
 * Please you,' quoth Peter, ' we are traveling folk, 
 ' Sons of the Muses, who would shelter crave.' 
 The jolly Monk's fat sides with laughter shook. 
 As he exclaim'd, ' Why this will crown the joke! 
 ' If ye be miostreU who can sing and play, 
 Enter, and share our Cbrirtmas holiday.'
 
 14 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 14 
 
 No more he said, but, marching on before, 
 
 Led them in haste to the refectory. 
 And open threw the widely-spreading door. 
 Instant, throughout the vaults and arches high 
 Echo'd loud shouts of festive revelry ; 
 While at a board, with ample flagons grac'd, 
 A jovial company of Friars was plac'd. 
 
 15 
 
 * Whom have we here?' exclaim'd a portly Monk, 
 
 Whose visage nibicond, and tott'ring gait. 
 Gave symptoms strong that he was nearly drunk. 
 ' I wot two minstreV "'^ ^ of the gate, 
 ' Who come, as if ordain'd by fav'ring fate, 
 ' To make your worship's entertainment full. 
 And homage pay to th' Abbot of Misrule.
 
 or OXENFORD. 15 
 
 16 
 
 ' They seem indeed a little out of sorts, 
 
 ' Rather en negligee, and somewhat dirty ; 
 ' But, as they 're dabs at all convivial sports, 
 * I brought them in, in hopes they may divert ye.* 
 ' Welcome,' the Abbot cried, * my fellows hearty ! 
 ' Supper's at hand as doubtless ye're good trenchermen, 
 ' Ye at our board abbatial shall be benchermen. 
 
 17 
 
 ' This mom our Prior went to visitation' 
 ' The devil go with him!' cried the Friars all 
 
 ' Amen I ' cried the Abbot ; ' So we 've seiz'd th' occasion, 
 ' And I am master of the festival. 
 ' But see, our gen'rous flagons on us call ; 
 
 Come, my brisk lads ! Have ye all chai^'d your glasses? 
 
 * Here's three times three, boys ! to our nunnery lasses !
 
 16 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 13 
 
 ' Again your brimmers fill! nay, charge 'em higher! 
 ' A sentiment, in which we all agree 
 
 * Here goes, my lads! Confusion to our Prior !' 
 
 * And now, brave Gbec'iiy ! let us have a glee, 
 ' A rurabhng one, and troll it lustily. 
 ' Thou hast a second by thee, jolly Rodin, 
 ' And for the chorus, I can bear a bob in.' 
 
 19 
 ' Gramercy!' Grec'ry said, ' I've one that's pat; 
 ' Such canticles far better suit my taste 
 
 * Than De Prqfundit, or Exaudiat. 
 
 ' Come, Robih! lets us not our moments waste; 
 
 ' Supper 'II be here anon, so let us haste. 
 ' I'll bet our chant will better entertain you, 
 ' Than all the Masses which our rules ordain you.'
 
 or OXENFORD, 17 
 
 20 
 
 * Well sung ! cried the Abbot, by my holidame! 
 
 ' Ne'er iu my life heard I a chant completer. 
 ' Here's to yourhealih! Now, stranger,What's thy name?' 
 ' My name, most rev'rend Abbot! is call'd Peter!' 
 ' 'Tis a good name, and jingles well in metre. 
 
 ' So, as in metre lies thine occupation, 
 
 ' Give us a specimen of thy vocation.' 
 
 21 
 
 ' Thou 'rt absolute, and I may not refuse,' 
 Peter replied; ' yet, as the season's holy, 
 
 * A subject somewhat graver I would choose. 
 
 ' Forgive me, pray, should I get on but slowly, 
 
 * For wet attire engenders melancholy. 
 ' I'm hoarse as crow, ^d fear me I shall mar all' r 
 }le bemm'd, and sung a godly Christmas carol.
 
 m THE TWO CI.EIIKS 
 
 22 
 ' il(-i(;h hu!' qiiolU \W AMjot, ' 'lis a slcpm;x |M>ti<'M 
 
 ' A minstrel thou ! why thou 'rt a vrry ass: 
 ' Nt'cr look, if jiurh thy talent, for promotion ; 
 ' But, while the mower dingers, jjrow* the gra>>. 
 We'll try thy comrade Each manehar;;r hisi;l.iv*- 
 ' [larkcc! Thou fellow with a phiz so ijravel 
 ' Tell me thy name, and tip u a brisk start.' 
 
 ' My name it Jout*/ he answer'd. 'As for chant in;;, 
 
 ' I know no more of it than Noah's ark; 
 ' I am untaui^ht in such uneemly rantniLT* 
 ' And never care to i,'o beyond my mark, 
 ' I simply am of OxturoBD a Clerk, 
 ' And lH)ld It allogc4her ot of rca^ion, 
 * To roar lewd caroU at this holy season.'
 
 OF OXENFORD. 19 
 
 24 
 ' 'riiou 'it a lalse knave/ die Abbot cried, ' I iloubt; 
 
 ' But, spite of grim looks and of phrases big, 
 ' As I am Lord of Misrule ye shall out. 
 
 ' Two paltry Clerks like you to run your rig, 
 
 And thus audaciously your betters gig! 
 
 ' Such conduct most obtrusive and unfit I call ; 
 ' Gregory ! turn out these varlets hypocritical !' 
 
 25 
 ' We crave thy mercy,' both the Clerks replied ; 
 
 'Tis a foul night; we 're strangers to the way; 
 
 There's none tow'rds Oxenfokd our steps to guide; 
 ' Let us, at least, a short indulgence pray : 
 
 To-morrow, at the earliest peep of day, 
 ' Will we resume our trav'Uing occupation, 
 
 ' For ever thankful for the obligation.'
 
 90 THE TWO CLEllKS 
 
 26 
 * I care not/ cried the Abbot, ' off ye go ! 
 ' To steal thus on our privacy convivial, 
 ' On false pretences, under minstrel's shew 
 ' Dare ye, base vermin! term such outrage trivial, 
 ' Or think to find us of your crime oblivial ? 
 Troop off, without more words, least worse betide you, 
 ' And for your travel, may Saint Satan guide you !' 
 
 27 
 The Monks, who bhar'd their Abbot's indignation, 
 
 Voting the Clerks deserving of coercion, 
 Obey'fl his mandate without hesitation. 
 
 To send them forth on such a cold excursion 
 Added fresh giato to their night's diversion ; 
 So, 'mid a gen'ral shout of the beholders, 
 Out Geec'ry thrust them by the head and shoulders.
 
 OF OXENFORD. 21 
 
 28 
 Sure never were two Clerks more foully plighted. 
 'Stead of warm lodgings and a well-fill'd flagon. 
 To find themselves thu8 suddenly benighted, 
 
 Condemn'd once more their toilsome march to drag on. 
 So tir'd, they hardly had a foot to wag on 
 On Peter's mind these sad reflections press'd, 
 A thus Clerk John he pettishly address'd. 
 
 29 
 ' There's an old proverb, brother John, I wot, 
 
 ' Which in our case might have been serviceable 
 ' Something about a fool 's bolt quickly shot 
 ' You 're the best judge how far 'tis applicable. 
 ' But, when we were so snug at yotider table, 
 ' You might as well have swallow'd your objections, 
 * And kept for fitter time your wie reflections.'
 
 n THE TWO CLKRKS 
 
 30 
 ' Patience,' cried John ; ' a truce with your upbraiding 
 Though, to \k sure, I mie^ht have hell my tongue, 
 ' To our catastrophe was you not aidiiit;, 
 ' When you thai >^rmonizinp carol sun^? 
 ' Since you a proverb in my teeth have flung, 
 ' Did'bt never hear what wid the pot to ih' kettle? 
 ' It ' application I leave you to settle.* 
 
 31 
 
 As still he spoke, advancing up the lane 
 
 A goodly troop of damsels they espied, 
 Who, though the wind still blew and pour'd the rain, 
 Intrepidly the elements defied. 
 Each bore a blazing torch her steps to guide. 
 And gaily caroU'd, in harmonious chorus, 
 On to the Priory! The night's before us"
 
 OF OXENFORD. 33 
 
 32 
 The Clerks, appall'd with such an apparition, 
 
 Look'd round to see where they themselveji might edge. 
 Uncertain if quite human were the vision; 
 So, crouching quietly beneath the hedge. 
 And hid from view by a tall tuft of sedge. 
 They saw the bevy pass, engag'd in sport all, 
 'Till, halting suddenly, they smote the portal. 
 
 33 
 Open it flew, and Greo'ry stood within it. 
 
 ' Welcome!' he cried, ' to see you I'm delighted. 
 ' We have been looking for you ev'ry minute. 
 * Though, pretty Ursulines! yc've been benighted, 
 ' Now ye arc come ye shall l>e well requited. 
 ' Isntrr! your visit ne'er was better tim'd; 
 ' Von '11 find the Abbot and the rest well prmi'd.*
 
 24 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 34 
 Nimbly the dameU through the |K)rtal tript. 
 
 And darkness was again difRis'd around. 
 Til' aslonish'd Clerks from their conceahncnt \\\Ai 
 Their faculties, in mute amazcmtnt bound, 
 And hardly knoiring if they stood on ground; 
 Talking indeed would not have much avail'd 'em. 
 When mingled apprehensions so assail'd 'em. 
 
 35 
 
 As they were in for 't, they were forc'd to plunge on ; 
 
 So, from despair fresh resolution taking, 
 Through the dark lane, obscure as any dungeon. 
 
 They wrought their way, with cold their fingers aching, 
 Their hearts with doubts, and fears, and horrors({uakmg, 
 When, through a crevice in the mist which lH>und 'cm, 
 A quir'ring glance of moonshine beam'd around 'em*
 
 OF OXENFORD. 25 
 
 36 
 This cheer'd their spirits, which were sadly drooping. 
 
 And gave them means of seeing, at a distance, 
 A band of horsemen,who seem'd tow'rds them trooping. 
 ' Tliankheav'n I'cried John to Peteb, 'after this dance, 
 ' We *re hkely now to meet with some assistance/ 
 With that he gave a vigorous halloo! 
 Which tow'ards them straight the corps equestrian drew. 
 
 37 
 He at their head was rob'd in garments clerical, 
 
 Such as a churchman dignified become. 
 His chin and portly belly somewhat spherical. 
 ' Have ye,* said he, * no domicile or home, 
 ' That thus in ^uch a night as this ye roam? 
 ' By holy Dunnnick ! such cold excursion 
 ' To me would prove indifierent diversion.'
 
 26 THE TWO C I.KHK.S 
 
 38 
 ' Kind Sir,' quoth John, ' whatc'tr may lc Ihy till?, 
 
 ' Wr thank thcc for thy courteous sulutation; 
 ' Our state disastrous needs hut brief recital: 
 
 ' We arc two Clerkt* of Oxenfoed hy station, 
 
 Who in yon Pri'ry foun<l accomm(xlation, 
 ' 'Till the lewd monks hy violence exiKrll'tl uh, 
 
 * To take our chance i' th' dark, as you Heheld n.' 
 
 39 
 
 * That's passing mar^'cUous,' Iiih rcv'rcucc cri<'d ; 
 
 ' Wot you not, mister Clerk, by holy church 
 
 That hospitality is ne'er denied, 
 
 * That, 'stead of leaving travellers in the lurch, 
 ' We niake for poor and destitute a search ? 
 
 * Iksidc*, 1 knovr each individual Friar, 
 ' For of that Pnorv im I the Pnor.'
 
 OF OXENFOllD. '27 
 
 40 
 
 * No doubt then/ answer'd Petbr, bowing low, 
 
 ' Since with them all you are so well acquainted, 
 
 * Something of one Friar Gbeg'ky you may know.' 
 
 ' A man,' quoth the Prior, ' of a life untainted, 
 ' Whose piety hath almost made him sainted.' 
 Quoth Peter, ' I^t me thy indulgence crave, 
 ' But that same Greu'kv i a parlous knave.' 
 
 41 
 
 * That's a bold word,' his rev'rence frowning cried. 
 
 ' To him the Abbess of Saint Ursula gites 
 ' In paths of holiness her Nuns to guide.' 
 
 ' No doubt their consciences he neatly shrives,' 
 Said Peter, they give proof on't by their lives: 
 ' Now of your refectory they 've )>o3scs;>ion, 
 With your bravv Monks all busy at confoMon.'
 
 28 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 42 
 
 I that,' the Prior witl, ' the very truth ? 
 ' Take heed, I charge thee, thou dost not helie 'em.' 
 
 ' *Ti true,* rejoin'tl the Clerk, ' in very sooth ; 
 As for the proofs, your rcv'rencc may u|>[)ly 'em: 
 ' They still arc at their pranks you may espy 'cm 
 
 The matter 's soon decided. As I live, 
 ' You will hare evidence demonstrative. 
 
 43 
 
 ' An of their pranks I 'vc oc'lar denionsiralion,' 
 Exclaim'd the Prior, ' they hhall have correction. 
 
 * But how, unseen, can I make ohiicrvation ?' 
 ' You may,' ({uoth Jons, * if you have no objection, 
 ' Knter Incognito, and make inspection.' 
 
 I'll do't,' the Prior cried. ' Come, worthy Clerks ! 
 
 Let's go id^elher, and observe these sparks.'
 
 OF OXENFORD. 29 
 
 44 
 With that he gave directions to his groom, 
 
 That near the Priory his nags should wait. 
 Out of the path, and shrouded by the gloom j 
 Then, marching forwards at a hasty rate. 
 He cautiously unlock'd a private gate. 
 Which to a gall'ry led them, v/htnce, perdue, 
 They might what pass'd i' th' refectory view. 
 
 45 
 And a rare sight indeed must it have been ! 
 
 I would have giv'n the best horse in my stable. 
 Could I have witness'd the amusing scene- 
 Monks, Nuns, all seated at a well spread table. 
 Carousing, chatt'ring like the folks at Babel, 
 Tlic orthodoxy of Misrule discussing, 
 Lewd carols chanting, laughing, romping, bussing,
 
 3) Tin: TWO CI.ERK^ 
 
 4li 
 TJie Prior tar'd, as if he 'd seen a jjhost 
 
 ' Oh ho ! ' cried he, ' if lhi be your devotion,' 
 (And, {u he spoke, he thrice his forehead crowM) 
 
 Before we part to-night, I 've a strong notion 
 
 * You 'II have enough to put you all in motion ; 
 ' 'Hie |K)int shall soon be settled, if the Devil, 
 
 ' Or I, shall Ik- comptroller of your revel. 
 
 47 
 * Good Clerks! stay here, and inakt strict obftervatiun 
 
 ' I must away, our enterprise to guide ; 
 ' When I have put those rtgucs in consternation, 
 ' Mark all that passes, and, whate'er iHrtide, 
 ' Note where their gear and concubines tliey hide. 
 ' Do your parts well, and I will bet my Pnory 
 ' 'Gainst a shot herring, but wc Ml trounce this friary.'
 
 or OXENFORD. 31 
 
 48 
 This said, he left them. In thtir corner hid. 
 
 And on the tenter-hooks of curiosity, 
 The Clerks remain'd, and watch 'd, as ihcy were bid. 
 The Abbot still k;pt up his mock pomix)sity, 
 Round w^nt the joram with increas'd velocity. 
 The jovial Friars and Nuns sung am'rous catches. 
 And decency v/a hustled under hatches, 
 
 49 
 When, on a sudden, with a rap like thunder. 
 
 The refect'ry resounded. In a trice 
 Both Nuns and Friars, petrified with wonder, 
 Muter than fishes sat, and still as mice. 
 Up started Grec'ry, and, to gain advice, 
 Hurried away; but, ere they could count ten. 
 With air alarm'd hu hurried back again.
 
 S9 THE TWO CI.F.llKS 
 
 50 
 
 ' Our game is up !' cried he. ' What shall we do ? 
 
 * As I'm a living man, there 's at the gate 
 ' Our Prior, his Sub, and all his cursed crew ! 
 ' For a few moments I can make 'tin wait ; 
 ' Meantime, the tables clear, and dofl'your state, 
 * With speed away the cups and flagons trundle, 
 ' And in some closet our dear doxies bundle.' 
 
 51 
 Scarce had be ended, when a louder kno<1c 
 
 Tlirough all the company spread fresh dismay, 
 Artd operated like electric shock. 
 
 All scamper'd off with what them nearest lay. 
 And bore them expeditiously away ; 
 Some got a scratch, aud some got a contusion- 
 There never was beheld such a confusion.
 
 OF OXENFORD. 33 
 
 52 
 
 All, as they came to han<l, meats, fowls, and fishes. 
 
 Into the cupboard in the corner bustled, 
 With flagons, black-jacks, knives and forks and dishes 
 The Nuns, without their veils, and somewhat touzled. 
 Into a closet all together hustled 
 Scarcely was perfected this gen'ral clearance. 
 When with slow steps the Prior made his appearance. 
 
 53 
 
 The Monks in silence bow'd, as on he pass'd. 
 And took his 'custom'd place by th' fire-side. 
 Full graciously he smil'd, and, as he cast 
 A glance around him, ' How comes this,' he cried, 
 ' Tliat thus ye vigil keep at Christmas tide ? 
 ' I look'd to find you each in his snug cell, 
 ' Snoring till summon'd by the matin bell.' 
 c
 
 54 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 54 
 ' Please you,' quoth Gkko'uy, ' since in this foul weatljer, 
 
 ' Your rtv'rtnce bad j>;oie forth to visitation, 
 
 ' To pray for your safe journey, thus together 
 
 ' I and my fellows met in congregation: 
 
 I gave the brethren a brief predication, 
 
 ' And our devotions are this moment ended. 
 
 ' Lo ! the blest fruita by which they are attended.' 
 
 55 
 
 * By good Saint Dominick!' the Prior said, 
 
 ' Ye are right holy men, and I commend you. 
 
 'Tis fit your kind intent should be re)>aid : 
 
 ' Gooil luck on this occasion doth befriend yon ; 
 
 ' Ye shall, as yet the night is young, unl)end you ; 
 * So let us have a supper of the best. 
 ' Wc 'II have our Christmas gambol, I protest.'
 
 OF OXENFORD. 35 
 
 56 
 
 This at a another time would have been pleasant. 
 
 Though now it made the Monks look rather bFue : 
 But Gkegory, whose wits were always present. 
 Replied, ' Of eatables there are but few ; 
 ' As at this hour we did not look for you, 
 ' The scullion ' gone to bed, and I 've no doubt 
 ' The cook 's there also, and their fire is out.' 
 
 57 
 
 ' No matter,' said the Prior; 'send one up, 
 
 ' To bid 'em rise, and set about it straight : 
 ' Tell 'em we want immediately to sup. 
 
 * There still must be some embers in the grate, 
 ' And, hungry as we may be, we can wait. 
 ' Meantime, we 'II have some rational diversion, 
 ' Afforded to us by my late excursioii.
 
 >. THi: TWO CLERKS 
 
 38 
 ' It cliaiic'd that, ai I held my homeward way, 
 
 ' I ovtrt(x>k two jolly 'rregetourx, 
 
 ' Your Blight-of-hand-iuei), fellows blithe and gay, 
 
 ' Who visit barons' halls, and ladies' bow'rs, 
 
 ' Exhibiting their various tricks and pow'rs, 
 
 ' Which, though they oftentimes cause consternation, 
 
 ' Fail not to prove a source of recreation. 
 
 59 
 ' They 're now reposing in my private rooms. 
 ' That all may in our pastime have a share, 
 Call the lay-hrethrcn, servitors, and grooms, 
 ' While to my chamber I myself repair, 
 ' And bring my craflsmen; you, meantime, take care 
 ' To spread the cloths and napkins on the table : 
 ' We 'II have a merry night on 't, an we 're able.'
 
 OF OXENFORD. 37 
 
 GO 
 As thus he spoke, he left them. Much perplex'd 
 
 Rcmain'dthe Monks, no man among them guessing 
 What inf'rence might be drawn from such a text. 
 A supper, it was clear, there was no dressing 
 Nothing could be more painfully distressing! 
 r th' midst of all, while they were on the rack. 
 The Prior with his Tregetours came back. 
 
 61 
 
 A goodly pair ihcy seem'd, in cloaks y-clad. 
 
 Which, from their shoulders falling, swept the floor; 
 Each on his brow a sable fillet had, 
 And on his head a cowl of russet wore. 
 Drawn somewhat close their visages before. 
 He who walk'd foremottt had a fresh-peel'd wand. 
 The other bore a casket in his hand.
 
 as THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 63 
 
 Now,' quoth the Prior, when he was smj;;ly seated , 
 
 ' Give us a httle sample of your art.' 
 ' Good sir,' rcphel the first, ' when thus we 're greeted, 
 ' I 'II do my utmost, and with all my hrart 
 ' Some of my curious novelties impart. 
 ' Tliere 's only one thin;; which can cause demurrage 
 ' We want some supper, just to whet our coura'jje.' 
 
 ' That want,' the Prior said, ' will soon be o'er 
 
 ' The cook's at work. Meantime, my ^ish fulfil 
 Supper *ll l>e ready in an hour or more.' 
 * In that case,' said the Tregetour, ' I w ill 
 ' Give a preliminary of my skill. 
 ' Come, comrade, take your keys, and ope your locks; 
 ' I must have some conundrums from the box.'
 
 OF OXENFOHD. 39 
 
 64 
 
 Thereout he drew and ht a waxen taper; 
 
 An ample circle on the floor he plann'd. 
 And drew strange characters upon a paper. 
 ' Let all,' cried he, within this circle stand!' 
 Then, waving high in air his magic wand, 
 He stalk'd around it, varying oft his paces, 
 Mutt'ring low sounds, and making wild grimaces. 
 
 65 
 ' Now,' he exclaim'd, ' my masters, ye shall see 
 
 ' A most astonishing and novel feat. 
 ' Hither, my suhject spirits, instant flee! 
 ' Place on yon board a well-assorted treat ! 
 ' Let there be fowl, and fish, and eggs, and meat ! 
 ' While the Prior's cooks are busy in the kitchen, 
 ' To slay his stomach a good luncheon fetch in I'
 
 40 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 6G 
 ' Marry,' the Prior cried, ' Sir Tregetour ! 
 
 ' Wc shall be l>ouiid to thank 'em if they do il.' 
 ' Ye know not yet,' quoth he, ' my spirit's pow'r, 
 ' Have but good faith in 't, and ye soon shall view it ; 
 ' The charm 's at work, I 've only to pursue it. 
 ' Come, spirit ! whisper where thou 'st lodg'd our fare 
 ' r th'comer cupboard? Search you 'II find il thert .' 
 
 67 
 
 Confounded stood the Friars and abash 'd, 
 'Till Grccory, whom nothing could appal, 
 
 (Though, to speak tnith, e'en he was somewhat dash'd) 
 Exclaim'd, ' Away with your rites magical, 
 ' Feats diabolic, supernatural ! 
 
 We 're sons of holy church, who eschew evil ; 
 
 Therefore avaunt, ye dealers with the Devil !'
 
 OF OXENFORD. 41 
 
 G8 
 ' My spirits are not of a kind so tragic,' 
 
 Replied the Tregetour. ' I merely deal 
 ' In natural and very harmless magic: 
 ' What I propose is for the gen'ral weal. 
 ' For hungry men what's better than a meal ? 
 ' If in the cupboard Father Greg'ry looks, 
 ' He 'II find my spirits are experienc'd cooks.' 
 
 69 
 The Prior ga?e a nod of approbation, 
 
 And all the Friars brcath'd a doleful Oh ! 
 As Gkecory, in mighty trepidation, 
 
 Open'd the cupboard with a motion slow. 
 All bless 'd themselves to see the goodly shew ! 
 ' By holy Dominick !' cried the Prior, your sprites 
 ' Bring something which my appetite invites.
 
 42 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 70 
 ' Out with it instantly ! &t all to work !' 
 
 Straight on the table spread his rev'rence sees 
 A buttock of boii'd beef, a chine of pork, 
 
 A brave boar's head well brawn 'd, duck^, capons, geese, 
 A ven'son pasty, fish, conserves, and cheese. 
 With wines of ev'ry climate, red and pale, 
 Melheglin, cider, and good humming ale. 
 
 71 
 
 ' Ne'er,' quoth the Prior, ' saw I a nobler supper ! 
 
 ' Sit down* good Tregetours I There Take your places, 
 
 ' One at the lower end, one at the upper. 
 
 ' Crbg'hy ! repeat one of your shortest graces ; 
 
 ' The shorter 'tis the better in such cases : 
 
 ' I 've got a monstrous stomach by my ramble, 
 
 * And mighty d-piopos this Christmas gambol,'
 
 OF OXENFORD. 48 
 
 72 
 With that he help'd himself, to set example. 
 The Tregetoure rcquir'd no more inviting^. 
 But took of what was be^t a portion ample ; 
 
 The Friars, meanwhile, at all a dreadful fright in, 
 Some staring round them, some their fingers bilin;^, 
 Half hoping that, if once the feast were ended. 
 No farther danger might be apprehended. 
 
 73 
 As, with good food his portly belly lin'd. 
 
 The Prior sat reposing in his chair. 
 Thus to the Tregetour he spoke his mind : 
 ' Your sprites must be of composition rare ; 
 ' They deal in solid and substantial fare. 
 ' I should, methinks, be right glad to behold 'em, 
 ' If so far goes your art as to unfold 'cm !
 
 44 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 74 
 So far/ quoth Tregetour, ' my art can go. 
 
 I Ml instantly produce them, if you choose it.' 
 Up started Greo'rv with a thund'ring ' No! 
 ' 'Tis demoniacal, and we refuse it I 
 * Tliough stronjj our patience, ye too much abuse it. 
 ' On you, Sir Prior ! On ev'ry good church-man I call, 
 ' With me to deprecate these rites Satanical I' 
 
 75 
 
 ' Amen !' cried all the Monks. The Prior look'd grim. 
 ' How is 't, Sir Tregetourr' he gravely said. 
 
 ' Doth ought i'th' Canons make against njy whim ? 
 ' I've a good conscience, and am not afraid 
 ' If half the imps in hell were here array'd : 
 
 I have a spell, on which I 've such reliance, 
 
 * Methinks to Satan's self I 'd bid defiance.'
 
 OF OXENFORD. 45 
 
 76 
 ' Thai may be/ Greg'ry cried; ' such spells I've heard of, 
 
 * But, that they can avail 'gainst dev'l or fairy, 
 ' Is a mere joke, I dont believe a word of. 
 ' Oft have I read in story legendary 
 ' Of many a diabolical vagary, 
 ' How those who dabbled with the fiends of hell, 
 ' Into their clutches miserably fell. 
 
 77 
 ' Remember what belided good Saint Anthony, 
 
 ' How by foul imps he was assail'd and scratch'd. 
 ' It is a tale, I vow, enough to daunt any. 
 ' What! in a jilly if we all were snatch'd, 
 ' And in the frying pan of Satan batcliM! 
 ' Yonder ' the holy water let's surpri>e 'tm 
 ' And I will undertake to exorcise 'en>.'
 
 46 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 78 
 Grec'ry speaks oracles,* quoth Trcgetour, 
 
 But my sprites are of difllrcnt cunstitutinti; 
 ' O'er them your holy water hath no |>ow'r: 
 
 ' You may expend the whole on't in ablution, 
 
 * And not come nearer to your wish'd conch>ion. 
 ' Don't be afraid; 1 'm certain they wont hurt you, 
 
 ' But, on the contrary, will much divert you. 
 
 79 
 ' Yet, as precautions better are than plasters, 
 
 ' I '11 tell you a receipt against a witch, 
 ' Which you may use to ward ofTall diitai^ters. 
 ' Let t\*ry one provide himself a switch, 
 ' Such a, if need be, will go thorough-stitch ; 
 ' Tluii, should the sprites mole&t you, use them roundly, 
 ' And til your In ait's contentment thresh them soundly.'
 
 OF OXENFORH. 47 
 
 80 
 ' I like your caution well,' the Prior said. 
 
 * OflT, grooms! and bring up all tint you can meet wiili ; 
 ' Let for all present be provision made. 
 
 ' We know already whom we are to treat with, 
 ' Gentry we need not dread much to compete with. 
 ' At all events, should mut'nous prove these elves, 
 ' I warrant me we can protect ourselves.' 
 
 81 
 
 The Monks conceiv'd the matter otherwise, 
 
 FiUt tlid not dare to risk an opposition. 
 So anxiously they cast around their eyes. 
 It needed not the skill of an optician. 
 To see the aukwardness of their condition. 
 While still they felt these conscientious twitches, 
 Hack taint the ;;rooni'., each with a load of >\vitclu;,.
 
 48 THE TWO CLEHKS 
 
 82 
 Yoii might have callM them, and no fear you *cl ju(1;;r ill, 
 
 By title more re>|H'Ctful; fur each stick 
 Well merited the tiobler name of cuilgel. 
 
 ' Tliey 're come,' exclaim'd tlic Prior, ' in the nick ! 
 ' Now, Tregetour ! we're ready for your trick. 
 Each take his switch as fancy dictates cli<K)se \m, 
 ' And, when I give the word I* you, stoutly use 'cm.' 
 
 83 
 ' Bravo!' (|Uoth Tregetour. ' Wail but a minute, 
 
 ' And ye a feal unparallel'd .shall view. 
 ' Hand me my box there are a few things in it, 
 ' Which arc requir'd this wondrous; feat to do.' 
 Tlien, mutt'ring lowly, in the fire he threw 
 A packet, charg'd with a mysterious powder. 
 Winch detonated far than thmidcr louder.
 
 OF OXENFOED. 49 
 
 84 
 ' My spells/ the Tregetour exclaim'd, * succeed. 
 ' But recollect my sprites are ceremonious ; 
 ' Some few polite attentions they will need; 
 
 * One would not prove in that respect erroneous. 
 
 * Hush ! listen to their voices ! how symphonious ! 
 ' Hear ye not nightingales in ev'ry throat?' 
 
 The Friars all swore they could not hear a note, 
 
 85 
 ' That's passing strange,' the Tregetour replied 
 
 ' Hark ! they come nearer what a heav'nly strain ! 
 What 's that which flutters here close by my side ? 
 
 ' Ah hah ! my pretty sylph ! I know you again 
 
 * Now to communicate your secret deign 
 ' Whisper a little louder, or I'll loe it 
 
 Where are the sprites? oh ho ! in yonder closet I' 
 
 D
 
 50 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 86 
 * r th' clowt ? cried the Prior. ' An they're there. 
 
 ' You'd bet vrithout delay coininand them out.' 
 ' We must/ said Tregetour, ' go smooth and fair. 
 
 ' Should we be wanting in respect, I doubt 
 
 * Their spriteships might offended be and pout. 
 
 * I told you how they stand upon punctilio; 
 ' So no risk to my own omission will I owe. 
 
 87 
 ' You must select, from those assembled round, 
 
 ' One to conduct them forth with dignity ; 
 ' I know not where ooe fitter can be found 
 
 * For such a function than Friar GaaooRY' 
 
 * No !' quoth the Friar, * I thank thee heartily ; 
 ' You 'II find I 'm not so easy to be bamm'd; 
 
 If I have a concern in 't I 'II be d n'd !'
 
 OP OXENFORD. &I 
 
 88 
 The Prior gave a groan, which all the Friars 
 
 Re-echo'd doubly first, for Greg'ry's swearing 
 Next, 'cause they felt themselves upon the briars. 
 Which like sharp claws their consciences were tearing. 
 For tliis the Tregetour but little caring, 
 Exclaim'd ' Since Greg'ry's such a tim'rous elf, 
 ' I '11 do the job, and let them out myself/ 
 
 89 
 Straight, to the closet striding slow, he cried, 
 
 ' Come forth, yeimpofhell,withoutmorespeaking!' 
 And suddenly the door threw open wide ; 
 When, with a chorus loud of screams and squeaking. 
 Of exclamations and hysteric shrieking, 
 Rush'd forth the Nuns, bewilder'd all and fluster'd. 
 And in the midst o' ih' hall like scar'd sheep cluster'd,
 
 32 THE TWO CLERKS 
 
 90 
 
 ' Heyday I' the Prior said, ' whom have we here ? 
 
 ' If 1 may trut mine eyes, ye are the Nuns 
 ' Of Ursula, who, Cologne's chronicler 
 
 * Tells us for so the holy legend runs 
 
 ' When with her virgins courted by the Huns, 
 ' Made them scratch out their lilies and their roses, 
 ' And save their souls by cutting ofl' their noses. 
 
 91 
 
 ' But ye 're no Nuns, though nun-like garb ye wear; 
 
 ' Ye 're imps of Satan, therefore get ye gone. 
 ' Out with them, rcv'rend brethren! do not spare ! 
 
 * Nay, an ye lack a spur to goad you on, 
 
 * We 'U set what can by other means be done 
 ' Grooms ! do your duty ! use your cudgels stoutly, 
 
 ' Aiid these lewd Friars fuktigate devoutly !'
 
 OF OXENFORD. 53 
 
 92 
 The Grooms, who thought it excellent diversion, 
 Employ'd their cudgels to the left and right : 
 Of Ursulines there soon was a dispersion ; 
 As for the Friars, it was a pleasant sight 
 To see how clumsily they took their flight. 
 Roaring, and writhing under their correction. 
 With many a mingled oath and interjection. 
 
 93 
 At length, when each had slunk into his cell. 
 Clerk Peter caught the Prior by the hand : 
 * Since,' cried he, * our design hath prosper'd well, 
 ' Thus I resign my Tregetorial wand.' 
 And here too comes my story to a stand. 
 Reader! for all the patience thou hast lent. 
 My Clerks op Oxenford their thanks present.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE?
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE? 
 % a\t. 
 
 1 
 
 Once on a time, how long ago, or when, 
 It matters not there liv'd a wealthy knight, 
 Of ancient family. Sir Rowland hight. 
 Whose sway o'er meadow, woodland, pasture, fen. 
 In all directions round his Gothic mansion 
 Spread with a wide and liberal expansion.
 
 58 WHEBE CAN IT BE? 
 
 3 
 
 Of rank and wealth hereditary vain. 
 His vasftak with becoming sway he rul'd. 
 Who by long practice were at length so schooled. 
 That, through the vast extent of his dotnain, 
 Each had correctly learnt his proper station, 
 And ev'ry where prevail'd subordination. 
 
 3 
 
 Save But before my narrative proceeds, 
 I must |)er force a short digression make; 
 For mere exactitude and order's sake, 
 A tale like mine such short digressions needs ; 
 Else how can incidents be justly painted. 
 If with my characters you 're unacquaioted ?
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE' 59 
 
 4 
 
 Prom the manorial house to the park gate 
 There ran in Une direct an avenue. 
 Of trees perennial, firs, pines, cypress, yew, 
 Which long had kept their ranks in solemn state. 
 Like herakis, the magnificence fore-shewing 
 Of the (Jd hall to which the guests were going. 
 
 5 
 
 Along this avenue, with conscious pride. 
 
 When on his pad for exercise he air'd. 
 
 Or when to quarter-sessions he repaired. 
 
 The jolly knight full placidly would ride. 
 
 And would have been in all respects contented. 
 
 Had not one latent grief his breast tormentedi
 
 60 WHERE CAN IT BE 
 
 6 
 
 For, in the centre of this avenue. 
 
 Which otherwise had been his faT'rite sj>ot, 
 A httle, mean, ill-farour'd, wooden cot, 
 Would still obtrude itself upon his view, 
 As if to say, ' Though you 're so great and mighty, 
 ' Whether you will or not, I'll stay to spite ye !* 
 
 7 
 Not that the cot such words uncivil said : 
 
 'Twas the cot*B owner who was thus to blame, 
 A surly chap>-JoHN Simkin was his name 
 Who of a tailor exercis'd the trade, 
 And who, though ninth part of a man, grew holder, 
 Because, forsooth, he was a small freeholder.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE? 61 
 
 8 
 It was a nuisance to proroke a saint. 
 
 Now to that character our worthy knight. 
 With all his feudal merits, had no right; 
 He knew he should get nothing by complaint. 
 So thought his point to carry by a profTer, 
 Thirty years purchase was a handsome offer. 
 
 9 
 
 But, had he proffer'd fifty or threescore, 
 To John it would have been the selfsame thing ; 
 He 'd not have sold his cottage to the king. 
 I rather think he deem'd the knight a bore. 
 And, feeling strong attachment to his dwcllmg. 
 He treated with disdain all thoughts of selling.
 
 M WHERE CAN IT BE? 
 
 10 
 
 What could Sir Rowland do? He ne'er could peep 
 Out of his window, but the cot he view'd ; 
 E'en to his couch the phantom still pursued. 
 And cost hira many an hour of tranquil leep. 
 And often in his dreams his cheeks grew paler. 
 And oA he rourmur'd, ' Hence, discourteous tailor!' 
 
 II 
 
 At length, by dint of thinking, it occurr'd. 
 That, as all stratagems arc fair in war. 
 He might by stratagem remove the bar, 
 Which the fulfilment of his wih deferr'd. 
 He rang hia bell, and tfAd his man in waiting 
 To bring the refractory Uilor strait lo.
 
 WHEKE CAN IT BE? 63 
 
 13 
 
 Sir Rowland look'd in gen'ral somewhat grim. 
 
 And rather piqued himself on his reserve ; 
 
 But from this tone he easily could swerve. 
 
 When int'rest led him, or some fiaiv'rite whim. 
 
 As both of these form'd of bis scheme the basis. 
 
 When John appear'd he call'd forth all his graces. 
 
 13 
 
 ' Welcome, good master Simrin !' he exclaim'd ; 
 ' You long have been my neighbour, and 'tis fair 
 ' You as a neighbour should my bounty share, 
 ' They tell me as a tailor you are fam'd : 
 ' I 'm glad to hear on't, for I want some dresses, 
 ' And quickly too, for the occasion presses.
 
 64 WHERE CAN IT BE? 
 
 14 
 
 But I hare heard I know not if it ' true. 
 ' That you 're not apt a ocial cup to blink, 
 ' And, in a word, are rather given to drink : 
 ' So mind me, John, I 'II keep you close in view ; 
 ' Till your work's done, you must not think of budging; 
 ' You liball have plenty, without tint or grudging.' 
 
 15 
 
 Joii.N grinn'd from ear to ear, and bow'd his best. 
 And work'd away from mom to even-tide, 
 While to a flagon, which stood him beside. 
 His suit and service ofttimes he address'd ; 
 For honest John, hke others in his station, 
 Cotild not, when ale stoofl nigh, resist temptation.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE? 65 
 
 16 
 
 Since tailors first were tailors, I suppose 
 No tailor was so happy as our John ; 
 He chatter'd, laugh'd, and drank, and still work'd on. 
 And, what was better yet, at ev'ning's close. 
 He was regal'd with a hot sav'ry supper, 
 Aad in a bed of down repos'd his crupper. 
 
 17 
 But time will stay for no man, we are told ; 
 And with the third day John's good timeexpir'd : 
 His work was done, the knight his charge inquir'd. 
 And pai(} him lib'rally with sterling gold; 
 The parting cup was brought, and he, good fellow ! 
 Drank deep of it, and got extremely mellow.
 
 66 WHERE CAN IT BE r 
 
 18 
 
 < 
 Thf night wa>dark as pitch but what car'tl John r 
 
 He was to Mreli acquainted with the way. 
 
 It was impoMiblc for him to stray; 
 
 So, whifitUng merrily, he btil) irudgM on. 
 
 And, to avoid all hazard of a blunder. 
 
 Counted each arenue tree which he patis'd under. 
 
 19 
 
 He knew, correctly as he knew his creed. 
 That, not three yards past numl)er fifty-five. 
 At his own cottage-door he should arrive. 
 To number fifty-fi'^e he got with speed. 
 And, thro' the i^loom llio' there was no discerning. 
 By practice tan-^ht he took the proper turning.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE ? 67 
 
 20 
 Three yard* to journey over was not much. 
 And John the distance oA. bad trod before. 
 So on he slept, and halted at the door ; 
 But neither door nor dweUing could he touch. 
 * Gadso! ' cried he, with inward perturbation, 
 ' I doubt I've made some strange raiicalculation.' 
 
 21 
 
 After long pond'ring how the thing might be, 
 As he seem'd clearly wrong, he judg'd it best 
 At once to re-commence his darksome quest ; 
 So counted slowly on from tree to tree, 
 A little out of sorts, and somewhat mifty 
 They prov'd no more nor less than five and fifty !
 
 68 WHFKE CAN IT BF. ' 
 
 ' Plague on my stupid rcck'nins ! ' mutter'd John, 
 ' Now at my point I must j>erforce arrive' 
 So counted back to number fifty-five ; 
 But deuce a cottage could he hit upon. 
 ' Thi curs'd dark night/ thought he, ' my brain ha!i 
 
 muddled, 
 ' Or eUe I 'm with his worship's stingo fuddled.' 
 
 23 
 ' I may be wrong It may be fifty-six, 
 
 Or seven, or eight at all events I 'II try 
 
 * The cottage somewhere hereabouts must lie, 
 ' Though whereabouts I can't exactly fix.' 
 
 Witli that, along the avenue he blundcr'd. 
 And counted on till he had pass'd a hundred.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE? 69 
 
 24 
 Thus all night long he roam'd and roam'd about, 
 Till her black veil was partially withdrawn. 
 And in the east appear'd a tint of dawn. 
 Knock'd up, and out of temper, lost in doubt. 
 Quoth John, ' Though in the dark I pass'd it over, 
 ' Now, ten to one, I shall my cot discover.' 
 
 25 
 
 But, had he laid the bet, his cash had gone. 
 He peep'd and peer'd about on ev'ry side. 
 Yet in what nook the luckless cot could hide 
 Remain'd a mystery profound to John. 
 Upon the whole, he pass'd his time ai prettily. 
 As if be had been looking for 't in Italy.
 
 70 WHERE CAN IT BE? 
 
 96 
 
 The dawn wa now converted into day, 
 And to John's understanding it was clear 
 The cottage must be sect) if it were there ; 
 For cottages are things that seldom stray. 
 Yet see it be could not ; so, like a wise man, 
 ' I will consult/ exclaim'd he, ' the Exciseman. 
 
 27 
 ' lie 's up to smugglers, and perhaps may i>ay 
 ' What vagabonds were prowling in the park, 
 ' To play their curs'd vagaries in the dark, 
 ' And carry harmlesa cottages away.' 
 Thus saying, to the gate he nimbly strided. 
 Which from th' adjoining bealb the park divided.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE? 71 
 
 38 
 
 Scarce had he pass'd the boundary, when, lo ! 
 Before him stood the cot identical. 
 Walls, roof, door, casement, garden, pigstye, all, 
 The same it was before it chose to go 
 Quite out of character on such a ramble, 
 And over hedge and ditch at midnight scramble. 
 
 29 
 Had honest John e'er heard of Gorgon's head, 
 With it this vision he might have compar'd ; 
 But John of Gorgons ne'er had heard nor car'd. 
 And, to speak truth, he ne'er had learnt to read. 
 Suffice to say, he stood in mute amazement, 
 Staring upon the cot from roof to basement.
 
 72 WHERE CAN IT BE? 
 
 SO 
 
 He cross'd himself, conceivintr, i he mif>[ht, 
 Tlie devil had had a finger in the work, 
 Then 'gan he ban and swear, like any Turk, 
 No doubt the better to gloss o'er his fright. 
 Though in some sort this recipe reliev'd him. 
 He apprehended still his eyes deceiv'd him. 
 
 31 
 
 Suspense to minds magnanimous is death: 
 ' To th' bottom of it,' Simkin cried, ' I'll see I' 
 With that, he drew forth from hispouchthe key. 
 Hu blood ran cold, scarce could he draw his breath ; 
 As he gaz'd on it, his pale cheeks grew paler, 
 And almost he forgot he was a tailor.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE? 73 
 
 32 
 
 I'll do 't,' quoth he, * though Satan were inside!* 
 Then, bold as desp'rate Bony and his French, 
 He tum'd the lock with a convulsive wrench, 
 
 And open flew the perilous barrier wide. 
 
 * Od's life ! * cried he, ' 'tis stranger yet and stranger, 
 
 * I know it all, as mill-horse does his manger. 
 
 33 
 ' Why here's my board my scissars large and small 
 ' My goose my thimbles skeins of silk and thread 
 ' My chair my table warming-pan and bed 
 ' My sheets my coverlid my urinal 
 ' All safe and sound nor scrip nor scrap is taken 
 
 * And there hangs, as I live, my flitch of bacon !
 
 74 WHERE CAN IT BE? 
 
 ' That these are mine, and this my cot, is clear : 
 
 ' If this were wrought by devils, I must own 
 
 ' Their devilhij) much honesty have shewn. 
 
 * Yet can't I gue^s what made them brings it here r 
 
 ' But hold what's that which lies by my old jacket, 
 
 * Seal'd hke a letter > 'tis a hugeous packet !' 
 
 35 
 
 John was no scholar, as I said before, 
 And for the blood of him could never pet 
 By heart, hke other boys, his alphabet. 
 Long time did he on the dirtction pore, 
 Each moment his perplexity increasing; 
 Never was surely any thing so tca>ing.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE r 75 
 
 m 
 
 ' I'll know what's iu't/ thought he. ' My friend the 
 guager 
 ' Reads us on on club nights all the foreign news; 
 ' He's a 'cute fellow, knows his Fs and Q's ; 
 He'll find the long and short of it, I 'II wager.* 
 Big with this grand conception, up he started. 
 And from the threshold like an arrow darted. 
 
 37 
 It happ'd that, jut as forth his nose he thrust. 
 The guager, who by chance was passing by. 
 Had on the vagrant cottage fix'd his eye. 
 At if his senses he could hardly trust. 
 He knew it well, and so he did John Simkin, 
 For, as the story goes, he was with him kin.
 
 76 >vni:RE CAN IT ni:? 
 
 38 
 
 * U 't you ?' cried he, ' anl this indeed your cot ? 
 
 ' What wonder-working devil in ihe dark 
 
 ' Hasuhiitk'd it hither from Sir RowLANo'spark '* 
 
 * Some devil,' (juoth John,' itmuttt have been, 1 v*ot, 
 ' But bow or why he hit on such a fancy, 
 
 * As I 'm a sinner, 1 can't gues nor can Mre. 
 
 31) 
 ' But here's a thing, his meaning which may s|>eak. 
 ' Faugh! Whatafilthysulph'ruub stench! Itssinell 
 ' Is evidence enough it came from hell. 
 ' Take care, good Toby, how the seal you break. 
 ' Should any young imp hide there, he may firk u<i, 
 ' Or ill a crack U> Jericho may quirk us.'
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE > 77 
 
 40 
 
 ' Imps are not worse than smugglers ; many a fray 
 ' I've had with them,* quoth Toby. * Hand it here 
 
 * Humph ! * " To John Simkin" Tlie direction's 
 
 clear 
 ' Now let us see what Satan's scribe may say' 
 " jWy good John Simkin" ' For a devil's letter, 
 
 * May I be hang'd if e'er I saw a better. 
 
 41 
 
 * But to proceed' " When you was with us last" 
 
 * That's a curs'd lir !' roar'd John 'Hush,' Toby said, 
 " You can't but oivr that you leas welcome made: 
 
 " I hope that pleasantly your time you pass'd" 
 
 * Well ! spite of all they say about the devil, 
 ' No gentleman on earth can be more civil !'
 
 78 WHERE CAN IT BE? 
 
 42 
 
 ' He lies though, mutter'd iSiMKiN But read on.' 
 " No tailor could ajuster measure take, 
 " Or more adroitly coats and troisiemet make." 
 ' So then ! you're Satan's tailor, neighbour John !' 
 " At for your bill, you know we did not dock it, 
 " But tent you off with money in your pocket," 
 
 43 
 * Why really, John, they seem to have us'd you wtll'- 
 ' How can you talk to strangely r' Sim kin said. 
 ' I made his coats foraooth ! My bill wa paid ! 
 ' A blacker falsehood ne'er was coin'd in hell ! 
 ' I warrant me, if I had made his breechings, 
 ' He 'd not have had much cause to praise my stitchings.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE? 79 
 
 44 
 
 ' But get on with the rest on't.' 'Aye what's next ?' 
 " 'Tis probable, that, when you found your c'ot 
 " Had migrated from it's acctutom'd spot, 
 " You felt yourself exceedingly perplexed'* 
 That he may swear/ cried John, 'and not fear choaking^ ; 
 ' Nothing could be so cursedly provoking.' 
 
 45 
 ' But let's read on,' said Toby. ' Here it is' 
 " As you 're not apt to grumble at a joke" 
 ' A truer word,' quoth John, ' was never spoke' 
 " You 'II hardly take this merry joke amiss"- 
 ' You 're out!' cried John, ' It was extremely scurvy 
 ' To turn one's quiet dwelling topsy-turvy.'
 
 80 WHERE CAN IT BE? 
 
 4G 
 ' True But,' Raid Tobv, ' let's the whole jH.TUe' 
 " Your cot remains uninjurd, as you Icnow, 
 " And all your implements in statu quo; 
 " You may revisit us whene'er you choose, 
 *' And to the pant ler freely cry, Come cram me"' 
 ' If I do that/ exclaimed John Simkin, ' d n me ! ' 
 
 47 
 ' Nay, keep your temj>er, John,' the g^uager cried. 
 ' Here'ssomeuhatmorc.* "Asyou love humming ale, 
 " The flagon which you wot of ne'er shall fail, 
 " But ever be with liquor Uout supplied" 
 ' Wot of!' cried Simkin' ' twere a thing to brag on, 
 ' To quaff hot brimstone out of Satan '< flagon !'
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE? 81 
 
 48 
 ' Patience !' quoth Toby; * we are near the end' 
 " You shall have all my custom, and each year 
 " A fair annuity of ten pounds clear. 
 " And so, John, I remain your faithful friend"-^ 
 ' Odshfe ! his impship is a clever shaver ! 
 ' Agree to 't, Simkin, without more palaver.' 
 
 49 
 ' Why, aye' said John ' Yetshould'ntlbetol)laiuo, 
 ' If I were thus to sell myself for pelf, 
 ' And make a bargain with the devil himsclfr 
 ' Do tell me, Toby, how he spells his name.' 
 ' Here 'lis, but written in a very foul hand 
 ' Let's see aye, aye' " Your faithful fund Sir Ronland.
 
 gS ^VHERE CAN IT BK ' 
 
 50 
 
 John stood with gaping mouth and staring eye, 
 Then on a sudden into laughter broke, 
 I have 't !' he cried* a manrellous good joke, 
 ' Quaintly devi^'d, conducted dextrously ! 
 ' 1 *ll carry it on, 'tis so extremely funny ; 
 ' He '11 have his jest, and I will have his money. 
 
 51 
 
 ' But, Toby, bow dost think he could contrive 
 * Thus surreptitiously to steal my cot, 
 ' And clap it bodily upon this spot?' 
 This Toby knew better than man alive; 
 For, at the hall while honest John was t/eatcd. 
 Himself and myrmidons the job completed.
 
 WHERE CAN IT BE ? 83 
 
 53 
 
 But being bound in honour not to peach, 
 
 * It matters nought,' said he, * by whom or how, 
 ' Go to the mansion, make the knight your bow, 
 * And seize good fortune while within your reach. 
 ' I 'II go with you we 'II fill the amplest bowl, and 
 * With three times three drink bountiful Sir Rowland I* 
 
 finW. 
 
 PrinUi b) J. BretUU, Rupert Strttt, 
 lUjfmmrktt, London,
 
 / r.lt h/ published hi/ E d w a u n K f. r n v 
 
 DII.ION s (I,<.ni)) TACTICS OF .fXIAN. 1 Vol. Ito 
 
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