)IUMOURjST'S OWN BOOK UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY AA 001 111608 4 \ -> m^ AVITAI. JOKE. T a « THK BOX-MOT. KEY ^VCrrJ BIDOt.K ■ Nrhi.T S:rect THE HUMOURIST'S OWN BOOK: A Cabinet of Original and Selected Anecdotes, Bons Mots, Sports of Fancy, and Traits of Character: TO FURNISH OCCASION FOR REFLECTION AS WELL AS MIRTH. BY €i]t ^utljor of ti)c Young fHan's ©ten Boott. PHILADELPHIA: KEY AND BIDDLE, 23 Minor Street. From this book every thing has been ex- cluded which is unfit for reading at the family fireside. Entered according to the act of congress, in the year 1833, by Key & Biddle, in the clerk's office of the district court of the eastern district of Pennsylvania. Philadelphia, Printed by James Kay, Jun. Sc Co. Race above 4th Street. JJreeate. The compiler of the following work is among those who believe that the occasional indulgence in sallies of wit and sports of fancy is not only perfectly innocent, but en- tirely compatible with true manliness and dig- nity of character. He has not formed this con- clusion hastily ; but, from a pretty extensive ob- servation, he believes himself able to pronounce, that men of the highest intellect in the various professions and circles of society, are generally characterized by a strong relish for humour, and a fondness for observing traits of originality and eccentricity. Indeed, it may be considered a pretty well established fact, that a fine stroke of humour — a fair hit — finds a ready reception with the learned and the illiterate, the grave and the gay, the young and the old, or, in other words, approves itself to the common sense of mankind. IV PREFACE. Most of the compilations of anecdotes, how- ever, are rendered unfit for the perusal of a pure minded and modest young man by the frequent recurrence of indelicate allusions and profane expressions. It was for this reason that the publishers of the Young Man's Own Book formed the design of a work of a suitable cha- racter for young persons, and committed to the Author the task of preparing it. In accomplish- ing this, it has been his principal care to intro- duce such anecdotes only as were distinguished by genuine wit or humour ; a striking moral ; a fair stroke of satire at some vice or folly ; or an exhibition of some original or noble trait of character : and he has been equally solicitous to exclude from the collection whatever may be offensive to true modesty or sound morality. He will consider himself singularly fortunate if his humble efforts should contribute in any measure towards establishing the young men of the present age in the belief which seems, in- deed, to be daily gaining ground among them, viz. that there may be such a thing as genuine wit without the slightest tincture of profanity or impurity. iKTontcntis. Whitfield, 1 Casting Reflections, 2 Union of Literary Compositions, 2 Pun by the Ettrick Shepherd, 3 Daft Wilhe Law, 3 The Dead Ahve, 4 March of Intellect, 6 Scarcity of Asses, 7 Fighting Quaker, 7 Timber to Timber, 8 Schoolboy's Questions, 8 Columbus, 8 Take away the Fowls, 9 Making a Scotchman, 9 A poor Mouthful, 10 Preaching and Prophesying, 10 Church Candidates, 11 Pleasant prospect, 11 Patriotic Integrity, 12 Free Trade to the Lawyers, 12 No Sinecure, 12 Allan Ramsay, . 12 Peter Pindar, 13 VI CONTENTS. Face of Brass, . . .13 Tak' tent, .... 13 Antiquity of the Campbellg, . 14 Tax on Bachelors, . . .14 Anecdote of the Shorter Catechism, 14 Taken by Surprise, . . .15 The Author of Waverly, . . 15 Reasons for the Scotch being Great Smug- glers, . . . 15 Vixerat Christo, . . .16 How to Pay for a Farm, . . 16 Toast of a Scotch Pier, . . 18 Spinning a Text, . . 18 At my Wit's End, ... 19 Hang Together if you would not Hang Se- parately, . . • .19 A good Customer, ... 19 Strange Prayer, . . .20 Exported and Transported defined, 20 A word to Snuif Takers, . . 20 G. F. Cooke, ... 21 Living without Brains, . . 21 Dr Hugh Blair, ... 21 Dry in Church, ... 22 Origin of" Uncle Sam," . . 22 Lord Monboddo, . . .24 Parochial Visitations, . . 24 Learned Divine, . . .25 Life Insurance, ... 25 A Good Reason, . . .26 Light as Possible, . . 26 Rustic Ignorance, . . .26 A Profitable blunder, . . 27 Bon- Mots of the Honourable Henry Ers- kine, .... 27 William Penn, ... 29 CONTENTS. VII Pleasing the Young Laird, Hanging to Please the Laird, A Toast, Two Lawyers' Mistake, Misspelling of Sign Posts, David Hume, Irishman's Answer, Absence of Mind, Curious Typographical Anecdote, Mots of Sir Walter Scott, Good Book-keepers, Testaments, Dr Johnson's Pudding, Stuttering Letter, Living in an Oven, Metaphysics, Hanging Toorether, Anecdote of Sibbald, Editor of Chronicles of Scottish Poetry, The Advantage, A Good Excuse, A Dovetailer of Sermons, Calculation, Where you ought to have been. As Deep in the Mud as I was in the Mire, Old Acquaintance, .* Nae Motive, Judge Peters, Robert Burns, Marquis of Montrose, Scotch Judge, The President's Guard, Who was Jesse ? March of Intellect, Kind Permission, Love your Enemies, Vlll CONTENTS. Anecdote of Burns, Style of Dr Johnson, Henry Clay, How to Make a Doctor, Comedy and Tragedy Exchanged, Duke of Argyll, Unacceptable Gratitude, Amor Patrise, Poor Man of Mutton, City Habits, Mutatis Mutandis, A Pun Whistled, Hugo Arnot, Nothing Remarkable, Anecdotes of Speaking out in Churches, Mrs Richard Shubrick, Miss Flint, Bannockburn, Pleasure and Pain, Pun upon Pun, The British Lion, Os Tuum, .... Staymakers, A poor Mouthful for a Gourmand, Accusation and Acquittal, King James I., . . . Anecdotes of the Battle of Trafalgar, Highland Ancestry, Good Returned for Evil, Reproof, .... Woman's Wisdom, Henry Clay, Electioneering, Prejudice Reconciled, Mercantile Indigestion, with the Prescrip- tions of an Edinburgh Professor, 66 CONTENTS. George Schaffer and the Salamander Hat A Scotch Answer, Let Sleeping Dogs Lie, Acute Criticism, Pittsburgh unknown at Leghorn Summer and Winter, Criticism, Lord Kaimes, Powder and Balls, Anecdote of Burns, The Battle of the Pot, Wit by Marriage, Female Patriotism, Apologies for Shabbiness, Reproof from the Pulpit, Meg Dods, Washington's Friendship for Gen. Knox Bishop Leighton, Bons Mots of a brother of T. Campbell The Lost Wig, President Monroe, Lachrymal Canals, The Duchess of Newcastle, At your Service, The American Soldier, Purgatory, Other Irons in the Fire, Greedy in Letters, Travelling Post, The Hat, Selling Lands, A Warlike Prelate, Cross Answers, Charles the Second's Pockets Punishment of Theft, Generosity of La Fayette, CONTENTS. Pun upon Pun, Charles Matthews, Making Free, John Hancock, Historical Doubts, Stocks Low, Hanging for Fashion's Sake, Judicial Integrity, Time Enough, Posts and Railing, Superficial Knowledge, Dr Spring of Watertown, I wish I could, Lenthall, the Speaker, Exhumation of the Regicides Dr Lathrop, Sir Isaac Newton, Good Substitute for Law, Charles II., . General Washington's Motion, Peter the Great Judge Jeffries, Sheridan and the Westminster Voter Names alter Things, Buckingham and Sir Robert Viner. A Bully, The Bellows-Blower, Military Pride, Lord Kenyon, Benefit of Stammering, A Match for Sheridan, Building Horses, Good Manners, A Monarch in Fault, An East Indian Major Longbow, The American Eagle, CONTENTS. XI Foote and the Earl of Kelly, 110 The Greatest Bore in London, 110 Sheridan upon Regularity, with Notes by the Earl of Guildford, 110 A Compliment Quizzed, 111 The effects of no Government, 111 MrJekyll, . - . . 112 Anchovies and Capers, 112 Anti-Climax, 117 Titles, ..... 117 Mr Fox's Estimate of the French Char- acter, .... 117 Upright Judge, .... 118 Kites, .... 118 Do you Smoke, Sir ? 118 Dr Franklin on Confederation, 118 Promising Candidate, 119 A Friend in Need, 119 Singular Stakes, 120 Precedency, 120 Soldier and the Indian, 121 Lord Richardson and the Carman, 122 My own Steward, 123 Cure for Love, .... 123 Indian Reply, 123 A Pot I Carry, .... 124 Grosvenor House, 124 Professional Obliquity of Understanding, 124 Wit in the Gallery, 125 Female Intrepidity, 125 Favor and Sodorini, 126 Negro Wit, .... 127 Whitfield, . . . 127 Sheridan and Monk Lewis, 129 Name Recollected, 130 Bon Mot of Sir William Curtis, 130 CONTENTS. Consumptive Appetite, . Commodore Tucker, Fireworks, Where Hurt, Bon Mot on a Tea-Urn, Despondency of Lord Cornwallis, Curious Fact, Advantage of Buttons on Lutestring, William IIL, and Sergeant Maynard Red Jacket, Two Reasons against the Pretender, A True Knowledge of Puffing, Dr Butler, General Isaac Huger, West Indian Bees, Tory Fireworks, Cawdor and Corder, Count Rumford, Prime Ministers, Queen Anne's Batch of New Peers, Very Little of its Age, Counsellor C , Joseph Lancaster, Quin, Mess-room Gossip, • Beau Brummell, General Stark, Counsellor C , The Wharfingers, Ludicrous Mistake, . Punning Flattery, If You can, I cannot, Militia Fine, Good Exchange, A Complication of Disorders, Stake versus Steak, . Deny every Thing and insist upon Proof, Hypercriticism, Appropriate Illustrations, Distinction between a Lord and a Gentle A Lawyer cannot be too Barefaced, A Fashionable Bonnet, Sharp enough already, Venetian Blinds, Lord Loughborough, A Little More, National Paradoxes, A Trifler, A Hard Run, A Moving Discourse, Laugh and Grow Fat, Duke of Buckingham, Short Prayers, Three uses of one Word, Amiable Compassion, Revolutionary Anecdote How to Pay a Doctor's Bill, Reason to be Thankful, Wilkes, . _ . Dean Swift's Opinion of Faults, The Mother of General Greene, Inscription for an Apothecary, Counsel's Opinion, Playing the Fool, Sheridan, Impartiality, Writing down a Character, Drawings of Cork, Religion of Sea Chaplains, A Scotch Moon, Bachelor's Revenge. CONTENTS. New Meaning of the word Remonstrate, A Bridle for the Tongue, Lord Holland and the Chairman, Original Anecdote, Rehearsing a Funeral, Best Sort of Language for the Pulpit Poverty a Virtue, Anecdote of Joe Miller, Lord Norbury, A Patriot Preacher, . Technical Remark, Sheridan and the Great Seal, Laughable Misprint, Sheridan and Lord Thurlow, Siamese Twins, Rival Shoemakers, Edinburgh Castle, Lord Bateman, Anser Capitolinus, Popular Explanation, Sergeant Prince, Unattackable, Biblical Comment, Danger of doing Homage, Slanting Rain, Sheridan's Greek, Sheridan and Cumberland, Whimsical Pun, Mountain Anecdote, Traveller's Direction, Long Bit, Saddlewise, No Stranger of Me, Nimrod and Ramrod, Doctor Franklin, Pressing Reason, Purgatory, Little Money, Anecdote of Sheridan, Eccentricity of a Dog, Bow Street Bon Mot, Breaking up of a Nursery, Wit of a Resurrectionist, A Yorkshire Eating Match, . Mistake of the Press, All Gone Out, Matrimony, Difference between Whigs and Tories, The Pretender's Health, Washington, . No Pay no Pray, More than I can Swallow, Giving up the Ghost, No Voice in the City, A Double Entendre, Such Sparks as You, Actor of One Part, Sheridan and the Play-Writer, The Esquimaux Women, Benefit of the Sprin^^s, Etymologists, A Simple Machine out of Order, Toasting Cloth, . Mr Abernethy, Bread, .... Inestimable Value of a Tail, Typographical Wit, Stock-jobbers, Courage, A Shp of the Tongue, Game, .... Short days and long nights, CONTENTS, Excellency and Highness, Best Body of Divinity, DrParr, . Justice, A new Character, The Tragic Barber, . John Taylor, How to Catch an Owl, Saving One's Bacon, Building Castles in the Air, Politeness, The left handed Lady, Funeral Service, Judge Burnet, Street Sweeper, . A Standing Joke, Anecdote, Sharp Repartee, Reason for Weeping, Patience, No Bad Exchange, Anagram, Extreme Unction, Flying Colours, Bon Mot of Nelson, Anecdote of Quin, A Cogent Reason for not Marrying, I myself am Carlini, Honesty too Dear, Kindness of a Carpenter, Gratitude, Bacchanalian Inquest, An Outline, Dr Bentley, . Striking Likeness, Lord Bolingbroke, CONTENTS. xvu Lightning and Lotteries, What's in a name, Great Encouragement, New Reading in Horace, Punning Competition, Almanacs, Naval Pun, False Report, Diverting Vagabond, Pluralities, John Kemble, Like the Ministry, A Bonne Bouche, Ready Money Legacy, Equity, Ben Barrett, No Deep Play, . Philology, Johnson and Rousseau, Good Advertisement, Total Abstinence, Fellow Feeling, Striking Analogy, Tlie Fast Day, A Friend in Need, A Serious Repartee, Tillotson, Soot and Religion, Anecdote of George IL Wit in a Hobnail, Captain Pierce, . The Benevolent Widow, Coats and Arms, ElweSjthe Miser, Cause and Eflcct, A Bore, Not a bad Hit, . Cutting both Ways, Infidel wit repelled, A Disconsolate House, New Oppositionist, Fox and Sheridan, Nerves, Logical Illustration, Substance and Shadow, Professional Enthusiasm, Sycophancy Caricatured, What's a' the Hurry, A New Translation, A Traveller's Bull, The Blind and the Blind, Sympathy, A Circuitous Lie, Ben Johnson, The Quack Doctor, Charming Condescension, The Miser, Editorial Dilemma, A Dirty Witness, Epigram, Duchess of Marlborough, Long Pause, Quackery, General Wolfe, Amendment amended, Real Danger, Professional Blindness, Speaking Oysters, Counsellor Dunning, George I., Richard Cromwell, Dr South, CONTENTS. Severe Retort, All's Well, Eccentric Recommendation, Holiday, The Blood of Cromwell, Charles II. and Rochester, Dreadful Ghost Story, Dunninor Extraordinary, James II. and Waller, Dr Johnson, March of Politeness, Gas, Hackney Coachman, No Reason to Remove, Exclusive Plumber, Charles II., Psalms, Foote, Reformation, Invisible and Incomprehensible, Erskine and Jekyll, Irish Circumlocution, Good Reason, Johnson and Boswell, Insurance, Boswell and Johnson, Either Way, . Conjuror and no Conjuror, Benevolence of George III. Sir John Millicent, The Fishmonger, Reasonable Fear, The Blessings of Trial by Jury, The Brewer, Lord Shaftesbury, Slave Trade, CONTENTS. Grood Repartee, New way to pay Old Debts, Bruising Match, Smart Report, The Rising Generation, Orthography, The Miser's Advice, Advertisement, The Worst of all Crimes, Welsh Tourists, Charity known by its Fruits, Selden, Trade, Sensibility, Gratifying Reflection, Lord Clonmel, Alderman Wood, Mathematical Wind, Bon Mot of George IV., Welsh Gentility, Bigger than London, Your Birth, Taxes, Unexpected Interpretation, One Exception, Memorable sayings of Kosciusko Go to Brighton, Out of Place, Curtailed, A Good Move, . Quizzical but not Quizzable, Fashionable Dinner Hour, Lord Erskine, Smart Repartee, The Infernal Machine, Anecdote from Corinne, CONTENTS. Attention, A Friendly Wish, Conjectural Knowledge, Proof, .... James the Second's Single Good Thin Female Courage, Dr Friend, Sir Richard Jebb, Best Upper Leather, Dffldalus, .... An Anonymous Letter, DrRadchffo, Lord Sandwich, . Old Bailey Wit, Valuable Evidence, A Good Understanding, Waterloo Medal, Bold Reply, .... A Good Sort of Man, Instinct of a Bird, Time at Royal Discretion, Unpleasant Compliment, Paint, .... Condescension in Love, Intelligence of Birds, Veracity, .... Take Advice, Difference between Literal and Literary Pure English, A Teacher, ... Proof of Sanity, But! . Legal Advice, Competition of Wonders, Rats, .... Lord Peterborough, . CONTENTS, Bon Mot of George II., . Pulteney, Earl of Bath, Another of the Same, Negro Philosophy, Advantages of Low Prices, Jacobitism, A Terrible Thing Out-terribled, Wreckers, Moderation, Sir Isaac Newton, Indirect Answer, John Bunyan, Preventive of Jealousy, Paying Toll, Happiness, An Expedient, The Broom-Seller, Wit on a Death-bed, Washington's Punctuality, Old, but not to be tired on, Another, Hole versus Darn, Retort Courteous, Mist, George III. and the Whigs, Definitions, The Miracle, Swearing and Driving, Wholesale Practice, Lady Hardwicke and her Bailiff. Perfection, Recovery of a Spendthrift, . Clerical Preferment, State Affairs, Charles II., Ferguson the Plotter, CONTENTS. xxiii Delicacy, 2i)2 Exanii)le, .... 2i)2 Sir Francis Bacon, 292 Transposition of Syllables, . 293 Who would Groan and Sweat, 294 James 11., . 294 Eftect of Poetry, 294 A Seasonable Hint, 2i)4 Posthumous Travels, 294 Hospitality, .... 295 No Alternative, . 29.5 Original Anecdote, 295 THE Ij^umottn'sfs (J^ton iJooft, Whitfield. Dr Franklin, in his Memoirs, bears witness to the extraordinary effect which was produced by Mr Whitfield's preaching in America ; and relates an anecdote equally characteristic of the preacher and of himself. " I happened," says the doctor, " to attend one of his sermons, in the course of which I perceived he intended to finish with a collection, and I silently resolved he should get nothing from me. I had in my pocket a handful of copper money, three or four silver dollars, and five pistoles in gold. As he proceeded, I began to soften, and concluded to give the copper. Another stroke of his oratory made me ashamed of that, and determined me to give the silver ; and he finished so admirably, that 1 emptied my pocket wholly into the collec- tor's dish, gold and all. At this sermon there was also one of our club ; who being of my sen- timentB respecting the object of the charity, and 2 humourist's own book. suspecting a collection might be intended, had by precaution emptied his pockets before he came from home ; towards the conclusion of the discourse, however, he felt a strong inclina- tion to give, and applied to a neighbour wha stood near him to lend him some money for the purpose. The request was fortunately made to perhaps the only man in the company who had the firmness not to be affected by the preacher. His answer was, ' At any other time, friend Hodgkinson, I would lend to thee freely ; but not now, for thee seems to be out of thy right senses.' " Casting Reflections. In the late Professor Hill's class, the gilded buttons of one of the students happened to reflect the rays of the sun upon the Professor's face, who, as may be supposed, ordered the gentle- man to give over throwing reflections on him. The student, totally ignorant of the matter, with the utmost simplicity said, " That he would be the last in the class who would cast reflections on the Professor." Union of Literary Compositions. At a large literary party in Edinburgh some years ago, it was mentioned that a certain well known literary character had written two poems, one called "The Bible," the other "The Ocean;" that he was offering them to the book- sellers, who, however, would not accede to his terms of publication ; and that the worthy au- thor was therefore puzzled not a little as to what HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. 6 he should do with his productions. " Why," remarked a sarcastic gentleman, who was pre- sent, " I think the doctor could not do better than throw the one into the other " Pun by the Ettrick Shepherd. Some literary and scientific gentlemen one day dined with Mr Hogg at his farm of Mont Benger, when it was mentioned by some one, as a strange thing, that Dr Parr should have lately been married in a somewhat clandestine way, and that nobody knew who his wife was, or any thing about her. " Ah," said the shep- herd, " 1 am afraid she must have been a little below Par.'' Daft Willie Law Was the descendant of an ancient family, nearly related to the famous John Law, of Lau- rieston, the celebrated financier of France. Willie, on that account, was often spoken to, and taken notice of, by gentlemen of distinction. Posting one day through Kirkaldy with more than ordinary speed, he was met by the late Mr Oswald, of Dunnikier, who asked him where he was going in such a hurry. "Going!" says Willie, with apparent surprise, " I'm gaen to my cousin Lord Elgin's burial." '• Your cousin Lord Elgin's burial, you fool ; Lord Elgin 's not dead," replied Mr Oswald. " Ah ! diel ma care," quoth Willie, " there's sax doctors out o' Embro' at 'im, and they'll hae him dead afore I win for'it." HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. The Dead AUxe. Some hypochondriacs have fancied them- selves miserably afflicted in one way, and some in another ; some have insisted that they were tea-pots, and some that they were town-clocks ; one that he was extremely ill, and another that he was actually dying. But, perhaps, none of this blue-devil class ever matched in extrava- gance a patient of the late Dr Stevenson, of Baltimore. This hypochondriac, after ringing the change of every mad conceit that ever tormented a crazy brain, would have it at last that he was dead, actually dead. Dr Stevenson having been sent for one morning in great haste, by the wife of his patient, hastened to his bed-side, where he found him stretched out at full length, his hands across his breast, his toes in contact, his eyes and mouth closely shut, and his looks cada- verous. " Well, sir, how do you do? how do you do, this morning.?" asked Dr Stevenson, in a jocu- lar way, approaching his bed. " How do I do !" replied the hypochondriac faintly; "a pretty question to ask a dead man." ''Dead!" re- plied the doctor. " Yes, sir, dead, quite dead. I died last night about twelve o'clock." Dr Stevenson putting his hand gently on the forehead of the hypochondriac, as if to ascertain whether it was cold, and also feeling his pulse, exclaimed in a doleful tone, " Yes, the poor man is dead enough; 'tis all over with him, and now the sooner he can be buried the better." Then humourist's own book. 5 stepping; up to his wife, and whispering to her not to be frightened at the measures he was about to take, he called to the servant: " My boy, your poor master is dead ; and the sooner he can be put in the ground the better. Run to C m, for I know he always keeps New England coffins by him ready made; and, do you hear, bring a coffin of the largest size, for your master makes a stout corpse, and having died last night, and the weather being warm, he will not keep long." Away went the servant, and soon returned with a proper coffin. The wife and family hav- ing got their lesson from the doctor, gathered round him, and howled not a little, while they were putting the body in the coffin. Presently the pall-bearers, who were quickly provided, and let into the secret, started with the hypo- chondriac for the church-yard. They had not gone far, before they were met by one of the town's people, who having been properly drilled by Stevenson, cried out, " Ah, doctor, what poor soul have you got there ?" ''Poor MrB ," sighed the doctor, "left us last night." " Great pity he had not left us twenty years ago," replied the other; "he was a bad man." Presently another of the townsmen met them with the same question, " And what poor soul have you got there, doctor.''" " Poor Mr B ," answered the doctor again, " is dead." "Ah! indeed," said the other; "and so he is gone to meet his deserts at last." " Oh villain !" exclaimed the man in the coifin. 6 humourist's own book. Soon after this, while the pall-bearers were resting themselves near the church-yard, another stepped up with the old question again, *' What poor soul have you got there, doctor?" '' Poor Mr B ," he replied, " is gone." " Yes, and to the bottomless pit," said the other ; "for if he is not gone there, I see not what use there is for such a place." Here the dead man, bursting off the lid of the coffin, which had been purposely left loose, leaped out, exclaiming, " Oh you villain ! I am gone to the bottomless pit, am I ? Well, I am come back again, to pay such ungrateful rascals as you are." A chase was immediately commenced, by the dead man after the living, to the petrify- ing consternation of many of the spectators, at sight of a corpse, in all the horrors of the winding sheet, running through the streets. After hav- ing exercised himself into a copious perspira- tion by the fantastic race, the hypochondriac was brought home by Dr Stevenson, freed from all his complaints; and by strengthening food, generous wine, cheerful company, and mode- rate exercise, was soon restored to perfect health. March of Intellect. A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the door of a partizan of the Anti-begging So- ciety. After in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him. '* Go away," said he, " go, we canna gie ye naething." " You might at least," replied the mendicant, with an air of arch dig- nity, " have refused me grammatically." HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. Soar city of Asses. The Reverend Mr Thorn of Govan, riding home from Paisley, on a particular occasion, came up with two gentlemen, heritors of his parish, who had lately been made justices of the peace. They, seeing him well mounted, as usu- al, were determined to pass a joke on him, and accosted him thus : — " Well, Mr Tliom, you are very unlike your master ; for he was con- tent to ride on an ass." "An ass," says Mr Thorn, " there's no sic a beast to be gotten now- a days." " Ay, how's that .'" said they. "Be- cause," replied Mr Thom, " they now make them a.' justices of thejiccice !''' Fighting Quaker. In the American war, a New-York trader was chased by a small French privateer, and having four guns with plenty of small arms, it was agreed to stand a brush with the enemy rather than be taken prisoners. Among several other passengers was an athletic quaker, who though he withstood every solicitation to lend a hand, as being contrary to his religious tenets, kept walking backwards and forwards on the deck, without any apparent fear, the enemy all the time pouring in their shot. At length, the vess- els having approached close to each other, a disposition to board was manifested by the French, which was very soon put in execution; and the quaker being on the look out, unex- pectedly sprang towards the first man that jumped on board, and grappling him forcibly by 8 humourist's own book. the collar, coolly said, " Friend, thou hast no business here," at the same time hoisting him over the ship's side. Timber to Timher. At the placing of MrF-rl-ng, minister of the Chapel of Ease, Glasgow, of whose abilities Mr Thom entertained no great opinion, when they came to that part of the ceremony where the hands are imposed, the other members of the presbytery were making room for Mr Thom, that he might get forward his band on the head of Mr F-rl-ng likewise .? but Mr Thom, keeping at a distance, said, " Na, na, timmer to timmer will do weel enough," laying his staff on the head of the new divine. Schoolboy's Questions. Three boys at school , learn in g their catechism , the one asked the other how far he had got.? to which he answered, " I'm at a state o' sin and misery." He then asked another what length he was ? to which he replied, "I'm just at effec- tual calling." They were both anxious, of course, to learn how far he was himself, and hav- ing asked him, he answered^ " Past redemption." Columbus. When Columbus, after having discovered the Western hemisphere, was, by order of the King of Spain, brought home from America in chains, the captain of the ship, who was inti- mately acquainted with his character, his know- HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. y ledge, and his talents, offered to free him from his chains, and make his passage as agreeable as possible. Columbus rejected his friendly offer, saying, "Sir, I thank you; but these chains are the rewards and honours for my ser- vices, from my king, whom I have served as faithfully as my God ; and as such I will carry them with me to the grave." Take aicay the Fowls. A certain reverend gentleman of the city of Edinburgh, dining with a friend, the lady of the house desired the servant to take away the dish containing the /oi^?Z5, which she pronounced fools (as is sometimes done in Scotland). " I presume, madam, you mean fowls," said Mr R , very pompously. " Very well, be it so," said the lady ; " take away the fowls, but let the fool remain !" Maldng a Scotchman. In the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, it may be remembered that the king's coach was attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, on that occasion, was conspicuously loyal in repel- ling the mob. Soon after, to his no small sur- prise, he received a message from Mr Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a gracious reception from the great man, who, after prefacing a few encomiums on his active loyalty, desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to be advanced, his ma- jesty having particularly noticed his courageous 10 irUMOURIST''s OWN BOOK. conduct, and being desirous to reward it. Pat scratched and scraped for awhile, half thunder- struck ; " The devil take me if I know what I'm fit for." " Nay, my good fellow," cried Harry, " think a moment, and dinna throw yoursel out o' the way o' fortun." Pat hesitated a moment, smirking as if some odd idea had strayed into his noddle, " I'll tell you what, mister, make a Scotchman of me, and by St Patrick there'll be no fear of my getting on." The minister gazed awhile at the mal-apropos wit; " Make a Scotch- man of you, sir ! that's impossible, for I can't give yon prudence. '" A Poor Mouthful. At the examination of candidates for the place of schoolmaster in a Scotch parish, one man was desired to read and translate Horace's ode, beginning, " Exegi monumentum ffire perennius." He began thus: — '^ Exegi monumentum, I have eaten up a mountain." " Stop," cried one of the examinators, *' it will be needless for you to say ony mair; after eating sic a dinner, this parish wad be a puir mouthfu' t'ye. You maun try some wider sphere." Preaching and Prophesying. A country clergyman, who, on Sundays, is more indebted to his manuscript than to his memory, called unceremoniously at a cottage, while its possessor, a pious parishioner, was engaged (a daily exercise) in perusing a para HUiMOURISX's OWN BOOK. 11 graph of the writings of an inspired Prophet. " Weel, John," familiarly inquired tiie clerical visitant, '' What's this you are about .?" "I am prophesying," was the prompt reply. "Pro- phesying!" exclaimed the astounded divine, "I doubt you are only reading a prophecy." " Weel," argued the religious rustic, " giff read- ing a preachin' be preachin', is na reading a prophecy prophesying ? ' ' Church Candidates. At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call, two candidates offered to preach, of the names of Adam and Low. The last preached in the morning, and took for his text, " Adam, where art thou ?" He made a most excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the evening Mr Adam preach- ed, and took for his text, " Lo, here am I !" The impromptu and his sermon gained him the church. Pleasant Prospect. An elderly lady, intending to purchase the upper flat of a house in Prince's Street, oppo- site the West Church burying ground, from which the chain of Pentland Hills forms a beau- tiful back-ground, after being made acquainted with all its conveniences, and the beauty of its situation, elegantly enumerated by the builder, lie requested her to cast her eye on the roman- tic hills at a distance, on the other side of the church yard. The lady admitted, that " she had certainly a most pleasant prospect beyond the grave.'' 12 humourist's own book. Patriotic Integrity. During the American revolution, while Ge- neral Reed was President of Congress, the British commissioners ofFered him a bribe of 10,000 guineas, to desert the cause of his coun- try. His reply was, " Gentlemen, I am poor, very poor ; hut your king is not rich enough to buy me.'' Free Trade to the Lawyers. A man from the country applied lately to a respectable solicitor in this town for legal advice. After detailing the circumstances of the case, he was asked if he had stated the facts exactly as they occurred. " Ou ay, sir," rejoined the applicant, " I thought it best to tell you the plain truth; you can put the lees till 't yoursel." JYo Sinecure. Colonel M , of the Perthshire cavalry, was complaining, that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. " I am," said he, " my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own cornet," — " and trumpeter, I presume," said a lady present. Allayi Ramsay. Allan Ramsay, the Scotch poet, walking on the Castle hill one day, was accosted by a pre- tended poor maimed sailor, who begged his humourist's own book. 13 charity. The poet asked him by what authority he went a begging ? " I have a licence for it," answered the sailor. '■' Licence T' cried Allan, " Lice you may have, but sense you have none, to beg of a poet." Peter Pindar. The following little anecdote has been left in Dr Wolcot's own hand-writing : '• When the Duke of Kent was last in Ame- rica, he took a stroll into the country, and entering a neat little cottage, saw a pretty girl with a book in her hand. ' What books do you read, my dear.''' asked his royal highness. The girl, with the most artless innocence, replied, ' Sir, the Bible, and Peter Pindar !' " Face of Brass. The house of Mr Dundas, late Lord Presi- dent of the Court of Session in Scotland, and the elder brother of Mr Secretary Dundas, hav- ing, after his death, been converted into a smith's shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu : — *' This house a lawyer once enjoyed, A smith does now possess; How naturally the iron age Succeeds the age of brass!" Talc tent. The Scotch phrase for take heed, is tak' tent. This being once used by a Scotch physician to an English lady, who was his patient, occa- 14 humourist's own book. sioned a mistake which had nearly proved fatal. The physician always repeated to her, '' Aboon a' things, madam, tak' tent.'' Unfortunately the lady understood him that she was to drink tent wine regularly after her meals; and she suffered very materially from following his sup- posed prescription. Antiquity of the Campbells. An old woman of the name of Gordon, in the North of Scotland, was listening to the account given in Scripture of Solomon's glory, which was read to her by a little female grandchild. When the girl came to tell of the thousand camels, which formed part of tHe Jewish sove- reign's live stock, " Eh, lassie," cried the old woman, " a thousand Campbells, say ye ? The Campbells (pronounced cammlls) are an auld clan, sure enuch; but look an ye dinna see the Gordons too." Tax on Bachelors. A lady having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax on the single state; "Yes, madam," rejoined Colonel , of (in Berwickshire), who was present, and who was a most notable specimen of the uncompromising old bachelor ; " as on all other luxuries." Anecdote of the Shorter Catechism. A Scotch clergyman was one day catechising his flock in the church. The bedral, or church- humourist's own book. 15 officer , being somewhat ill-read in the Catechism , thought it best to keep a modest place near the door, in the hope of escaping the inquisition. But the clergyman observed, and called him forward. " John," said he, *' what is baptism?" " Ou, sir," answered John, scratching his head, *'ye ken, it's just sax-pence tome, and fifteen- pence to the precentor." Taken by Surprise. At the time when Mr Peale was exhibiting his beautiful picture of the Court of Death in Boston, he sent the late Rev. Dr Osgood a ticket, on which was inscribed, '• Admit the bearer to the Courtof Death;" the old gentleman never having heard of the picture, was utterly confounded — '' I expected to go before long," said he, — " but I was not prepared for so abrupt a summons." The Auflior of Waccrley. Mrs Murray Keith, a venerable Scotch lady, from whom Sir Walter Scott derived many of the traditionary stories and anecdotes wrought up in his admirable fictions, taxed him one day with the authorship, which he, as usual, stoutly denied. '' What," exclaimed the old lady, '' d'ye think I dinna ken ray ain groats among other folk's kail?" Reasons for the Scotch being Great Smugglers. An Englishman once expressed great sur- prise, in a company of literati at Edinburgh, 16 humourist's own book. that the Scotch should be so much addicted to smuggling, seeing that they are a remarkably sober and moral people. He thought it must be much against their conscience. " Oh, not at all, sir," said Mr R d, a noted punster, who was present ; " What is conscience but a ' small still voice.' " " Farther," added Professor W , " it is * the worm that never dies.' " Fixer at Chris to. In the epitaph of the Rev. James Sword, an Episcopalian minister, at St Andrews, who died in 1657, and whose monument is still to be seen in the burial-ground which surrounds the ruins of the cathedral, the phrase occurs, " Vixerat Christo," he lived in Christ. It so happens, that, according to an old fashion, there is a dot or full stop betwixt every word in the epitaph ; which has given occasion to a strange piece of wag- gery, on the part, it is said, of a Presbyterian, who regarded Sword and his religion with equal abhorrence. By inserting a dot between the first and second syllables of the word" vixerat," this person has caused the passage to be read thus, — " Vix. erat. Christo," he scarcely teas in Christ! Hoio to Pay for a Farm. A man in the town of D — , some twenty years ago, went to a merchant in Portsmouth, N. H. who was also president of a bank, and stated that he lived on a farm, the home of his fathers, which had descended- to him by right of inheritance : that this, his only property, worth two thousand dollars, was mortgaged for humolirist's own book. 17 one tliousand, to a merciless creditor, and that the time of redemption would be out in a week. He closed by asking for a loan to the amount of his debt, for which he offered to re-mortgage his farm. Me7-. I have no money to spare ; and if I could relieve you now, a similar difficulty would probably arise in a year or two. Far. No, I would make every exertion : I think I could clear it. Mer. Well, if you will obey my directions I can put you in a way to get the money ; but it will require the greatest prudence and resolu- tion. If you can get a good indorser on a note, you shall have money from the bank, and you can mortgage your farm to the indorser, for his security. You must pay in one hundred dol- lars every sixty days. Can you do it ? Far. 1 can get Mr — for indorser, and I can raise the hundred dollars for every payment but the first. Mer. Then borrow a hundred dollars more than you want, and let it lie in the bank : you will lose only one dollar interest. But mind — in order to get along, you must spend nothing — buy nothing : make a box to hold all the money you get, as a sacred deposit. He departed. The note was discounted and the payment punctually made. In something more than two years he came again into the store of the merchant, and exclaimed, " I am. a free man — I don't owe any man ten dollars — but look at me." He was embrowned with labour, and his clothes, from head to foot, were a tissue of darns and patches. " My wife looks worse than I do." "So you have cleared your B 18 humourist's own book. farm," said the merchant. — " Yes," answered he, '' and now / know hoic to get another." Thus, good advice, well improved, rescued a family from poverty, and put them in possession of a competency which we believe they yet live to enjoy. Thus may any one retrieve a falling fortune, if he will. And by using the same amount of self-denial, and making as great ex- ertions to the way to heaven, we may secure an "inheritance incorruptible, undefiled, that fadeth not away." Toast of a Scotch Pier. Lord K , dining at Provost S 's, and being the only Peer present^one of the compa- ny gave a toast, "The Duke of Buccleuch." So the peerage went round till it came to Lord K , who said he would give them a peer, which, although not toasted, was of more use than the whole. His Lordship gave " The Pier of Leith." Spinning a Text. A clergyman in Banffshire, more celebrated for his eloquence than his prudence, being soli- cited lo officiate one Sabbath day for a brother of the same profession, who was indisposed, was so obliging as to comply with the request. When the exercises of the day were ended, he thought proper to indulge in a hearty refresh- ment, in order to renovate his exhausted spirits. Going home at night, he met a gentleman of his acquaintance, who inquired how he was, and where he had been ? To which he answer- humourist's own book. 19 ed, " He had been spinning out a text." " Yes," says the gentleman, " and you are now reeling it home," M my WiVs End. A gentleman in the west of Scotland, cele- brated for his wit, was conversing with a lady; who, at last, quite overpowered by the brilliance and frequency of his hon mots, exclaimed, " Stop, sir ; there is really no end to your wit." — " God forbid, madam," replied the humourist, " that I should ever be at my wit's end." Hang Together if you would not Hang Sepa- rately! Richard Penn, one of the proprietors, and of all the governors of Pennsylvania, under the old regime, probably the most deservedly popu- lar, — in the commencement of the revolution, (his brother John being at that time governor) was on the most familiar and intimate terms with a number of the most decided and influen- tial whigs; and, on a certain occasion, being in company with several of them, a member of Congress observed, that such was the crisis, *' they must all hang together.'" '■'■ If you do not, gentlemen," said Mr iPenn, " I can tell you, that you will be very apt to hang separately.^' A good Customer. When the son of a certain London banker had eloped to Scotland with a great heiress, whom he married, still retaining a paternal taste 20 humourist's own book. for parsimony, he objected to the demand of two guineas made by the priest at Gretna Green, stating, that Captain had reported the canonical charge to be only five shillings ! *' True," replied Vulcan, " but Captain is an Irishman, and I have married him five times; so I consider him as a good customer; but, perhaps, I may never see your face again." Strange Prayer. A Presbyterian minister, in the reign of King "William III. performing public worship in the Tron Church at Edinburgh, used this remarka- ble expression in his prayer: — "Lord have mercy upon all fools and idiots, and particularly upon the town council of Edinburgh." Exported and Transported defined. A gentleman recently married, was enjoying, with his fair one, an evening walk along the beach at Musselburgh. " Pray, my dear," said the lady, " what is the difference between ex- ported and transported?'^ At that moment a vessel left the harbour, bound for a foreign port. " Were you, my love," returned the gentleman, " aboard that vessel, you would be exported and I would be transported.'^ A Word to Snuff Takers. A lady asked her physician whether snuff was injurious to the brain? "No," said he, " for no body who has any brains ever takes snuff." humourist's oWiN book. 21 G. F. Cooke. Shortly after Cooke arrived in America, he was one evening in company with a number of actors whom he bored outrageously. " Mr H*"***," said he, " what do you know of the stage — you are no actor, although the applause you receive from the Yankees makes you think yourself one." From the wo-begone appear- ance of the young Thespian, the tragedian thought he had proceeded too far, and endeav- ouring to heal the wound he had inflicted, rose with tears in his eyes, observed, " What I said was in jest — I hold your professional talents in high estimation, and now freely make the ac- knowledgement." — H. burst out in aloud laugh, exclaiming, " You old quiz, will you again say that I am no actor .?" Living without Brains. As the late Professor H was walking near Edinburgh, he met one of those beings usually called fools. *' Pray," says the pro- fessor, accosting him, '' how long can a person live without brains.^" "I dinna ken," replied the fellow, scratching his head; "how long have you lived yoursell, sir .^" Dr Hucrh Blair Dr Blair used to tell the following anecdote of his precentor with a great deal of glee. Hap- pening to preach one day at a distance from town, ho next day met that official, as he was 22 humourist's own book, returning to his house in town. " Well," said the doctor, '^ how did matters proceed yester- day at church in my absence ?" " 'Deed," said the man of song, who was a very vain fellow, but withal a good deal ofa humourist, " Idarsay, no very weel : I wasna there, doctor, ony mair thanyourseli," Dry in Church. The Rev. Doctors H and M were colleagues in the Old Church of Edinburgh. One Sunday, when it was Dr M 's turn to preach, he had got himself very much wetted by a heavy rain, and was standing before the session-room fire, drying his clothes, when Dr H came in, whom he requested would that day take his place, as he had escaped the shower. *' Oh, by no means," replied the doctor; " gang up to the poopit, ye'U be dry eneuch there." Origin of " Uncle Sam.'" Much learning and research have been exer- cised in tracing the origin of odd names, and odd sayings, which, taking their rise in some trifling occurrence or event, easily explained or well understood for a time, yet, in the course of years, becoming involved in mystery, assume an importance equal at least to the skill and ingenuity required to explain or trace them to their origin. " The Swan with two necks" — " The Bull and Mouth"—" All my eye, Betty Martin," and many others, are of this character — and who knows but, an hundred years hence, some " learned commentator" may puzzle his '^4 humourist's own book. 23 brain to furnish some ingenious explanation of the origin of tlie national appellation placed at the head of this article. To aid him, therefore, in this research, I will state the facts as they occurred under my own eye, Inimediatelj^ after the declaration of the last war with England, Elbert Anderson, of New York, then a Contractor, visited Troy, on the Hudson, where was concentrated, and where he purchased, a large quantity of provisions — beef, pork, &c. The inspectors of these articles at that place were Messrs Ebenezer and Samuel Wilson. The latter gentleman (invariably known as " Uncle Sam"') generally superin- tended in person a large number of workmen, who, on this occasion, were employed in over- hauling the provisions purchased by the Con- tractor for the army. The casks were marked E. A.— U. S. This work fell to the lot of a facetious fellow in the employ of the Messrs Wilson, who, on being asked by some of his fellow workmen the meaning of the mark, (for the letters U. S., for United States, were almost then entirely new to them) said " he did not know, unless it meant Elbert Anderson and Uncle Sam'' — alluding exclusively, then, to the said '' Uncle Sam" Wilson. The joke took among the workmen, and passed currently ; and " Uncle Sam" himself being present, was occasionally rallied by them on the increasing extent of his possessions. Many of these workmen being of a character denominated '' food for powder," were found shortly after following the recruiting drum, and pushing toward the frontier lines, for the double purpose of meeting the enemy, and of eating 24 humourist's own book. the provisions they had lately laboured to put in good order. Their old jokes of course accom- panied them, and before the first campaign ended, this identical one first appeared in print — it gained favour rapidly, till it penetrated and was recoirnized in every part of our country, and will, no "doubt, continue so while the United States remain a nation. It originated precisely as above stated ; and the writer of this article distinctly recollects remarking, at a time when it first appeared in print, to a person who was equally aware of its origin, how odd it would be should this silly joke, originating in the midst of beef, pork, pickle, mud, salt and hoop-poles, eventually become a national cognomen. Lord Monboddo. When one of Lord Monboddo's friends pro- posed to solicit for him the office of a judge in the Scotch Criminal Court, his lordship said, — "No; I have more pleasure in looking after my little farm, in the vacation of the Court of Sess- ion, than I should have in running about the country hanging people." Parochial Visitations. It was once a prevalent custom with the Scotch clergy, to call their parishioners to- gether, and cathechize them on the Christian doctrines. On such an occasion, the late Rev. Mr J , minister of Coldingham in Berwick- shire, asked a simple country wife, Avho resided at the farm of Coldingham Law, (there always styled '' The Law" for brevity's sake) " How humourist's own book. 25 many tables, Janet, are there in the law ?" " Indeed, sir, I canna just be certain," answered Janet, " but I think there's ane in the fore-room, and ane in the back-room, and another up stairs !" A Scotch clergyman, who owed his situation rather to a titled patron than to his abilities,. in visiting his parishioners, for the purpose of cat- echising them, asked one old stern Presbyterian, '^ Who made Paul a ])reachGr ?" " It wasna the Duke of Queensberry," replied the old mari with a grim smile. Learned Divine. The equivocality of many of the names of places in Scotland, has given occasion to a very amusing saying regarding a clergyman. " He was born in the parish of Dull, brought up at the school of Dunse (quasi Dunce), and finally settled minister in the parish of Drone /" Life Insurance. Some years ago, when the famous Dr Leib was figuring in political life, prejudices were strong, and party feeling ran high — application was made to the Legislature of Pennsylvania to incorporate a ''Life Insurance Company" for the term of fifty years. A zealous member rose and addressed Mr Speaker with, '• Sir, I don't like this bill, and I shan't vote for it. The pe- titioners have asked to be incorporated to insure lives for fifty years, and what will be the conse- quence of granting their prayer .-' why, the first 26 humourist's own book. thing you'll know, that Dr Leib will get his life insured for the whole time, and we shall have him tormenting us for half a century to come." j1 Good Reason. In a manse in Fife, the conversation of a large party one evening turned on a volume of ser- mons, which had just been published with con- siderable success, and was supposed to have brought a round sum into the hands of the au- thor. When the minister's wife heard of what had been made by the volume, her imagination was excited, and, turning to her husband, who sat a little aside, she said, " My dear, I see naething to hinder you to print a few of your sermons, too." " They were a' printed lang Liglit as Possible. A lady going into a tea shop in Leith, and buying a pound of tea, the merchant said he would send it home. " Oh, no," said she ; " it is not inconvenient, as it is light." " Why," said he, " it is as light as I could possibly make it." Rustic Ignorance. When Dr Johnson was travelling in the High- lands of Scotland, he came up to a peasant who was employed in paring turf to cover his hut — in other words, casting divots. *'Pray, sir," cried the lexicographer, " can you point out the humourist's own book. 27 way to the most contiguous village, for we are dreadfully fatigued, having deviated from our road these two hours?" " You tired wi' divoting two hours !" replied the rustic, scornfully; " 1 have been divoting since four o'clock this morn- ing, and must do so as lang as I can see, tired or not." A Profitable Blunder. When Isaiah Thomas, printer of the Farmer's Almanack, was called upon by a printer's devil to know what he should put against the 13th July, Mr T. replied, " Anything," upon which the boy set, " Rain, hail and snow," at which the country was amazed, but it so laappened that it actually rained, hailed and snowed on that day, and proved a profitable storm to the pro- prietor of the Almanack for the future numbers. Bon-Mots of the HonouraUe Henrij Erskine. This celebrated wit, of whom it might be said, more truly, perhaps, than of any other man that ever breathed, that " he could not ope His mouth, but out there flew a trope," was one day at a large dinner party, where Miss Henrietta was also present. This lady had been the most admired beauty of her day in Edinburgh ; but, at the time in question, was a little past the meridian of life. It must also be premised of her, that her name was usually ab- breviated into Hennie. " Mr Erskine," said the lady, as the wine was beginning to circulate, " they say that ye're a great man for making 28 humourist's own book. puns : could ye mak a pun, d'ye think, on me ?'* " Od, Hennie," the wit instantly replied ; " you might be making puns yourself now ; I'm sure, Hennie though ye be, ye're nae chicken." Being one day in London, in company with the Duchess of Gordon, he asked her, " Are we never again to enjoy the honour and pleasure of your Grace's society at Edinburgh?" "Oh!'* said she, "Edinburgh is a vile, dull place; I hate it." " Madam," replied the gallant bar- rister, " the Sun might as well say. There's a vile, dark morning, I wont rise to-day." Being told that Knox, who had long derived his livelihood by keeping the door of the Parlia- ment House, had been killed by a shot from a small cannon, on the king's birth day, he ob- served, that "it was remarkable a man should live by the civil, and die by t|he cannon laio." Mr Erskine placed two of his sons at the academy of Mr Laing, teacher in Edinburgh, whose school-house is lighted from the roof. At one of the public examinations Mr Erskine was present, who, observing some drops of rain fall- ing on the floor, in consequence of a broken pane in the window, said, " Mr Laing, I per- ceive you spare no panes upon your scholars." A gentleman observed one day to Mr Erskine, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. " It is so," answered he ; " and therefore the founda- tion of all wit." The same gentleman having one day entered humourist's own book. 29 the Parliament House, found it full of smoke : on which he remarked, " Gentlemen, what shall be done ? — It's all over with us if they smoke us." Mr Erskine of Alva, afterwards a senator of the College of Justice, under the title of Lord Bargaio-, was a man of very diminutive stature. Being retained as counsel in a case where the Honourable Henry Erskine appeared on the op- posite side, he was obliged, on account of the press of the crowd, to have a chair brought for- ward, on which he might raise himself, when addressing the bench. " This," the wit re- marked, " was one way of rising at the Bar." IVilliam Pcnn. William Penn and Thomas Story sheltered themselves from a shower of rain in a tobacco house, the owner of which said, " You enter without leave — do you know who I am ? I am justice of the peace." To which Story replied, — " My friend here makes such things as thee — he is Governor of Pennsylvania." Pleasing the Young Laird. A man being tried for his life in the court of a Highland chieftain, before the abolition of those petty jurisdictions, the jury for a long time hesitated to give a verdict, and displayed an inclination to acquit the panel. Just as they were about to decide, somebody whispered, •' The Young Laird (that is, the eldest son of the chieftain) has never seen an execution." 30 humourist's own book. Upon which a verdict of guilty was given, purely to gratify the young gentleman with a spectacle. Hanging to Please the Laird. During the reign of the feudal system amongst the Highlanders, the Laird of Grant had con- demned one of his vassals to be hanged. When Donald came to the gallows, accompanied by Janet his faithful wife, he seemed very reluct- ant to mount the ladder, and stood a long time below the fatal tree, shrugging his shoulders. '* Hoot awa, Donald,' said Janet, clapping her dear spouse's cheek, " gang up like a man, and please the laird." Donald could not resist such a powerful motive to obedience, but gallantly sprung to meet the reward of his loyalty. A Toast. At a dinner party one day. Sir John H , whose character was considered to be not alto- gether unexceptionable, said he would give them a toast; and, looking hard in the face of Mrs M , who was more celebrated for wit than beauty, gave — " Honest men an' bonny lasses !" " With all my heart. Sir John," said Mrs M , " for it neither applies to you nor me." Two Lawyers'' Mistake. When the regulations of West Boston Bridge were drawn up by two famous lawyers — one section was written, accepted, and now stands humourist's own book. 31 thus; " And the said proprietors shall meet an- nually on the first Tuesday of June, provided the same does not fail on Sunday." Misspelling of Sign Posts. Some one remarked that whenever the signs over shop doors were misspelt, it was almost invariably by there being too many letters, and very seldom hy there being too few. [Observa- tion will show this to be a fact.] " Oh," said another of the company, " the painters do that to show that they belong to a liberal profession." David Hume. This distinguished philosopher was one day passing along a narrow foot-path which formerly winded through a boggy piece of ground at the back of Edinburgh Castle, when he had the mis- fortune to tumble in, and stick fast in the mud. Observing a woman approaching, he civilly re- quested her to lend him a helping hand out of his disagreeable situation; but she, casting one hurried glance at his abbreviated figure, passed on, without regarding his request. He then shouted lustily after her; and she was at last prevailed upon by his cries to approach. " Are na ye Hume the Deist .^" inquired she, in a tone which implied that an answer in the affirm- ative would decide her against lending him her assistance. " Well, well," said Mr Hume, " no matter : yon know, good woman. Christian charity commands you to do good, even to your enemies." " Christian charity here, Christian charity there," replied the woman, " I'll do 32 humourist's own book. naething for ye till ye turn a Ciiristian your- sell : ye maun first repeat baitli tlie Lord's Prayer and the Creed, or faith I'll let ye groffle there as I faund ye." The sceptic was actually obliged to accede to the woman's terms, ere she would give him her help. He himself used to tell the story with great r«lish. IrishmarCs Answer. An Irishman inquired at the Boston Post Of- fice, if there were any letters for him—'' Your name, sir," said the clerk. " That you will find upon the letters," replied Pat. Msence of Mind. Mr Imlach, late minister of the Muirhouse, near Dundee, was remarkable for his absence of mind. In his prayer one day he said, " O, Lord ! bless all ranks and degrees of persons, from the king on the dunghill to the beggar on the throne." Then recollecting himself, he added, " I mean from the beggar on the throne to the king on the dunghill !" " Pray, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, •'! am often asked of what age I am — what answer should I make.^" Mr Hume im- mediately guessing her ladyship's meaning, said, " Madam, when you are asked that ques- tion again, answer, that you are not yet come to years of discretion." David Hume and Lady Wallace once passed the Firth from Kinghorn to Leith together, humourist's own book. 33 when a violent storm rendered the passengers apprehensive of a salt-water death ; and her ladyship's terrors induced her to seek consola- tion from her friend, who with infinite sang Jroid, assured her he thought there was great probability of their becoming food for fishes. " And pray my dear friend," said Lady Wal- lace, " which do you think they will eat first.?" *' Those that are gluttons," replied Hume, '' will undoubtedly fall foul of me, but the epi- cures will attack your ladyship." Curious Typographical Anecdote. It is well known to literary people, that, in preparing works for the press, it is usual for the printer, after the proof sheets have been seen by the author, to go over them again, and clear them of what are called typographical errors, such as wrong spellings, inaccuracies of punc- tuation, and similar imperfections. In perform- ing this office for a celebrated northern critic and editor, a printer, now dead, was in the habit of introducing a much greater number of com- mas than it appeared to the author the sense re- quired. The case was provoking, but did not produce a formal remonstrance , until Mr W n himself accidentally afforded the learned editor an opportunity of signifying his dissatisfaction with the plethora of punctuation under which his compositions were made to labour. The worthy printer, coining to a passage one day which he did not understand, very naturally took it into his head that it was unintelligible, and transmitted it to his employer, with a re- mark on the margin, that " there appeared some c 34 humourist's own book. obscurity in it." The sheet was immediately returned, with this reply, which we give verba- tim. "Mr J. sees no obscurity here, except such as arises from the villainous quantity of commas, which Mr W n seems to keep in a pepper-box beside him, for the purpose of dust- ing all his proofs with." Mots of Sir Walter Scott. An English lady and gentleman, who, in travelling through Scotland, had come to the neighbourhood of Abbotsford, withoutproviding themselves with an introduction to Sir Walter Scott, and who felt, when there, an irresistible inclination to intrude upon him, could think of no expedient by which to gratify their curiosity but that of throwing themselves upon his mer- cy, and begging the favour of an interview. In their card to him, they said that, in coming to Scotland, their chief object had been to see "the great Lion of the North, Sir Walter Scott;" and they begged him to consider how hard it would be if, alter all their travels, they should have to go home disappointed. Sir Wal- ter immediately returned an answer, couched in the most polite terms, and concluding with a request that they would come that day to dine with him, " as he had some reason to believe the Lion of the North, like his friends at Exeter Change, was best worth seeing at feeding time.'' Good Book-keepers. Sir Walter, in lending a book one day to a friend, cautioned him to be punctual in return- humourist's own book. 35 ing it. " This is really necessary," said the poet in apology; "for though many of my friends are bad arithmeticians, I observe almost all of them to be good hook-keepers." Testaments. A countryman going into the probate office where the wills are kept in huge volumes on the shelves, asked if they were all bibles ! " No, Sir," replied one of the clerks, " they are testa- ments." Dr Johnson's Pudding. Last summer I made another excursion to Scotland, with the intention of completing my series of views, and went over the same ground described by the learned tourists, Dr Johnson and Boswell. I am in the habit of taking very long walks on these occasions, and, perceiving a storm threaten, I made the best of my way to a small building. I arrived in time at a neat little inn, and was received by a respectable looking man and his wife, who did all in their power to make me comfortable. After eating some excellent fried mutton-chops, and drink- ing a quart of ale, I asked the landlord to sit down, and partake of a bowl of whiskey punch. I found him, as the Scotch generally are, very intelligent, and full of anecdote, of which the following may serve as a specimen : — " Sir," said the landlord, " this inn was for- merly kept by Andrew Macgregor, a relation of mine ; and these hard-bottomed chairs, in which we are now sitting, were, years ago, filled by 3(1 ' humourist's own book. the great tourists, Doctor Johnson and Boswell, travelling like the lion and jackal. Boswell generally preceded the doctor in search of food, and being much pleased with the look of the house, followed his nose into the larder, where he saw a fine leg of mutton. He ordered it to be roasted with the utmost expedition, and gave particular orders for a nice pudding. ' Now,' says he, ' make the best of all puddings.' Elated with his good luck, he immediately went out in search of his friend, and saw the giant of learn- ing slowly advancing on a pony. ' My dear sir,' said Boswell, out of breath with joy, * good news ! I have just bespoken, at a comfortable, clean inn here, a delicious leg of mutton; it is now getting ready, and 1 flatter myself we shall make an excellent meal.' Johnson looked pleas- ed — ' And I hope,' said he, ' you have bespoken a pudding.' ' Sir, you will have your favourite pudding,' replied the other. Johnson got off the pon}% and the poor animal, relieved from the giant, smelt his way into the stable. Bos- well ushered the doctor into the house, and left him to prepare for this delicious treat. Johnson feeling his coat rather damp, from the mist of the mountains, went into the kitchen, and threw his upper garment on a chair before the fire : he sat on the hob, near a little boy who was very busy attending the meat. Johnson occasionally peeped from behind his coat, while the boy kept basting the mutton. Johnson did not like the appearance of his head; when he shifted the basting ladle from one hand, the other hand was never idle, and the doctor thought at the same time he saw something fall on the meat ; upon which he determined to eat no mutton that day. humourist's own book. 37 The dinner announced, Bosweli exclaimed, ' My dear doctor, here comes the mutton; what a picture ! done to a turn, and looks so beauti- fully brown !' The doctor tittered. After a short grace, Bosweli said, ' I suppose, sir, I am to carve, as usual; — what part shall I help you to.?' The doctor replied, ' My dear Bozzy, I did not like to tell you before, but I am determined to abstain from meat to-day.' ' Oh dear ! this is a great disappointment,' said Bozzy. ' Say no more; I shall make myself ample amends with the pudding.' Bosweli commenced the attack, and made the first cut at the mutton. * How the gravy runs ! what fine -flavoured fat! — so nice and brown, too ! Oh, sir, you would have relished this prime piece of mutton.' The meat being removed, in came the long wished- for pudding. The doctor looked joyous, fell eagerly to, and in a few minutes nectvly finished all the pitdding. The table was cleared, and Bosweli said, ' Doctor, while I was eating the mutton, you seemed frequently inclined to laugh ; pray, tell me, what tickled your fancy.'' The doctor then literally told him all that had passed at the kitchen fire, about the boy and the basting. Bosweli turned as pale as a pars- nip, and, sick of himself and the company, darted out of the room. Somewhat relieved, on returning, he insisted on seeing the dirty little rascally boy, whom he severely reprimanded before Johnson. The poor boy cried : the doc- tor laughed. ' You little, filthy, snivelling hound,' said Bosweli, ' when you hasted the meat, why did you not put on the cap I saw you in this morning.?' 'I couldn't, sir,' said the boy. 'No! why couldn't you.?' said Bosweli. 38 humourist's own book, • Because my mammy took it from me to boil the pudding in !' The doctor gathered up his Herculean frame, stood erect, touched the ceil- ing with his wig, stared or squinted — indeed, looked any way but the right way. At last, with mouth wide open (none of the smallest), and stomach heaving, he with some difficulty recovered his breath, and looking at Boswell with dignified contempt, he roared out, with the lungs of a Stentor, ' Mr Boswell, sir, leave off laughing ; and under pain of my eternal dis- pleasure, never utter a single syllable of this abominable adventure to any soul living, while you breathe.' — " And so, sir," said mine host, *' you have the positive fact from the simple mouth of your humble servant." Stuttering Letter. A certain old woman took from the post of- fice in the town of G , a letter. Not know- ing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near, to read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read : •' Charleston, June 23", taking oflf his hat and examining it. "Bet.''" said SchafFer, " I never bet ! yet, as I am positive in this case, I shall bet a glass of pop, that that hat (as it is a sala- marider hat) won't burn, if you should leave it in the fire tioo minutes.^' — " You'll bet that my hat won't burn, if I should go to poke it in that are grate?' " Yes," replied SchafFer. " Done," said the other, and, immediately thrusting his hat into the grate, (which was well filled with Lehigh) he had the satisfaction of seeing it consumed in less time than was 72 HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. stipulated in the bet ; while lie was prevented from rescuing it by the company, who affirmed that they would see no cheating in the matter, and that the hat should remain the appointed time. After the hat was consumed, Schaffer, turning round, said in a melancholy manner, '• Here, landlord, give the young gentleman a glass of poj) — I've lost my bet !" v5 Scotch Ansicer. The Rev. Ralph Erskine, one of the fathers of the secession from the Kirk of Scotland, paid a visit to his venerable brotiier, Ebenezer, at Abernethy. '' Oh ! man," said the latter, "but ye come in gudc time ; I've a diet of examina- tion to-day, and ye maun tak it, as I have mat- ters o' life and death to settle at Perth." " With all my heart," quoth Ralph. " Noo, Billy," says Ebenezer, " 3^e'll find a' my folk easy to examine but ane, and him I reckon ye had bet- ter no meddle wi'. He has an auld, fashious, Scotch way of answering ae question by put- ting another ; and may be he'll affront ye.'" "Affront me!" quoth the indignant theolo- gian ; " do ye think he can foil me wi' my ain natural tools.?" " Aweel," said his brother, " I'se gie ye fair warning ; ye had better no ca' him up." The recusant was one Walter Simp- son, the smith of the parish. The gifted Ralph, indignant to t!ie last degree at the bare idea of such an illiterate clown chopping divinity with him, determined to gravel him at once with a grand, leading, unanswerable question. Ac- cordingly, after putting a variety of simple pre- liminary interrogatories to the senior clodhop- humourist's own book. 73 pers, he all at once, with a loud voice, cried out, '' Walter Simpson !" " Here, sir," says Walter, " are ye wanting; me ?" *' Attention, sir ! Now, Walter, can ye tell me how long Adam stood in a state of innocence ?" *' Ay — till he got a wife," cried the anvil-hammerer, in an instant; " but can ye tell me, sir, hoo lang he stood after ?" " Sit down, Walter," said the discomfited divine. Let Sleeping Dogs Lie. A weaver, who lived in a village in Ayrshire, and who occupied every Sunday a conspicuous hottom-room. in the front laft of the parish church, was a shameless votary of Morpheus. Day af- ter day, for 3^ears, Jolin Thamson, regularly laid his head upon the hook-hoard ?Li the reading out of the text, and there did he sleep, yea some- times snore, till the conclusion of the discourse. John seemed to think the text all that was truly necessary ; he " dreamed the rest." This at length became intolerably annoying to the cler- gyman, and two elders were sent to remonstrate with him on the exceeding sinfulness of his be- haviour. " I canna help it, sirs," said John; "I'm a hard-working man a' the week, but Sabbath ; and though I like the kirk and the minister weel eneuch, unless ye ca' my head off, I canna keep my een open." " Weel, John," said the remonstrants, " If ye roiV/ allow Satan to exerceese his power over you in this dorming, dwamming way, in the very kirk itaell, what gars ye sit in the front laft, where a' body amaist sees you.'' Can ye no tak a back seat, where your sin micht be less seen and 74 humourist's own book. heard?" " Tak a backseat!" exclaimed John ; " na, na, I'll never quit my cozie corner ; my father, my grandfather, and my great-grand- father a' sat there : and there sit will John, come o't what will !" This remonstrance being found ineffectual, the minister resolved upon the desperate measure o^ affronting John out of his truly antichristian practice, by rebuking him before the congregation, and while he was in the very act. Little, however, did he know the principle of resistance which glowed within the bosom of the drowsy wabster. Next Sun- day forenoon, as soon as John had, as usual, sunk into slumber upon the desk, and fairly begun his serenade, he cried, " Sit up, John Thamson!" " I'm no sleeping, sir," quoth John. " Oh, John, John ! can you tell me what I said last?" '' Ou ay, sir; ye said, 'Sit up, John Thamson !' " Acute Criticism. Three Roxburghshire lairds, Mr Kerr of Abbotrule, Mr E— t of H— d, and Mr K— r of C — o, were officers in one fencible regiment, which was quartered in a town in Ireland dur- ing the time of the Rebellion of 1798. It was the age before intellect began its march, when all men were not bound to be familiar with literary matters, as in latter times. Mr Kerr was consulted by his two companions, whose capacities, he was very well aware, were not over brilliant, as to the best manner of beguil- ing the time while the regiment was lying in- active, and recommended the Vicar of Wake- field to them as a book from the perusal of which humourist's own book. 75 they were sure to derive the desired amuse- ment : it was principally, however, with a view to his own amusement, that he engaged them in this method of killing their tedious leisure hours. The two students set to work on Gold- smith's fascinating novel without loss of time, and, living together, they resolved also to read together : upon the same principle, it is to be presumed, that two travellers on one road join company in order to lighten the way. Mr Kerr failed not to call regularly every forenoon, to see what progress they made, and always found the Vicar of Wakefield lying on the table, with a mark at the place where they had left off. This mark he every day put back to very nearly the same place where it had been the day before ; so that the two intelligent gentle- men, though they applied assiduously, could hardly make their way through the volume at all. At length, he did permit them to finish it, and asked, when it was done, how they liked it.? "Why," said one of them very simply, " it's a nice enough kind of book ; but don't you think there is a great deal of sameness in it ?" Pittsburgh unknown at Leghorn. Pittsburgh is s,port of entry, and ship-building has been carried on with spirit, even at the source of the Ohio A curious incident, con- nected with this subject, was mentioned by Mr Clay, on the floor of Congress. " To illustrate the commercial habits of the American people, he said he would relate an anecdote of a vessel built and cleared out at Pittsburgh, for Leghorn. When she arrived at her place of destination, 76 humourist's own book. the master presented his papers to the proper officer, who would not credit them ; but said to him, ' Sir, your papers are forced. There is no such place as Pittsburgh in the world ! Your vessel must be confiscated.' The trembling Captain laid before the officer the map of the United States — directed him to the Gulf of Mexico — pointed out to him the raoxith of the Mississippi — led him a thousand miles up to the mouth of the Ohio, and thence another thou- sand up to Pittsburgh. *■ There, sir, is the port where my vessel cleared out !' The astonished officer, before he had seen the map, would as readil}'- have believed that this vessel had been navigated from the moon." Summer and Winter. During the wet and disagreeable summer of 1820, one gentleman asked another if he ever remembered such a summer ; to which the other replied, very seriously, "Yes; last win- ter." Criticism. The early patroness of Burns (Mrs Dunlop, of Dunlop) had an old housekeeper, a sort of privileged person, who had certain aristocrati- cal notions of the family dignity, that made her utterly astonished at the attentions that were paid by her mistress to a man in such low worldly estate as the rustic poet. In order to overcome her prejudice and surprise, her mis- tress persuaded her to peruse a MS. copy of the " Cottar's Saturday Night," which the poet HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. had just then written. When Mrs Dunlop in- quired her opinion of tlie poem, t^he replied, with a quaint indifference, " Aweel, madam, that's vera weel." " Is that all you have to say in its favour ?" asked the mistress. " 'Deed, madam," she returned, '' the like o' you quality may see a vast in't ; but I was aye used to the like o' all that the poet has written about in my ain father's house, and atvveel I dinna ken how he could hae described it ony other gate." When Burns heard of the old woman's criti- cism, he remarked that it was one of the high- est compliments he had ever received. Lord Kaimes. Lord Kaimes, it is very well known, paid great and successful attention to the improve- ment of agriculture. A great number of years ago, a German quack, who called himself Ba- ron Von Haak, vaunted of having discovered a powerfully fertilizing manure, Avhich he ad- vertised for sale, pretending that a very small quantity sufficed to fertilize an acre of land in a very extraordinary manner. Happening to converse upon this subject with one of his neigh- bours, a plain sagacious farmer, the former ob- served to Lord Kaimes, that he had no faith in the Baron's nostrum, as he conceived the proposed quantity vastly too small to be of any use. '' My good friend," said Lord Kaimes, '' such are the wonderful discoveries in science, that I should not be surprised if, at some future time, we might be able to carry the manure of an acre of land to the field in our coat pocket !" '• Very possibly," replied the farmer 3 " but, in 78 humourist's own book. that case, I suspect you will be able to bring back the crop in your waistcoat pocket." It was once customary for the Scotch crimi- nal judges to give a dinner at the circuit towns to all the legal train which follow them. Lord Kaimes was once doing the honours of such an affair at Perth, where, being very parsimo- nious, he defrauded the company of their usual claret. The conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy's fleet, which was then blockaded by the French; and one of the company asked what had become of our fleet ? Mr H. Erskine an- swered, "They are, like us, confined to jwrt." Poiodcr and Balls. Let ancient or modern history be produced, they will not afford a more heroic reply than that of Yankee Stonington, to the British com- manders. The people were piling the balls which the enemy had wasted, when the foe ap- plied to them — " We want halls; zcill you sell them?'^ They answered, " We icant -powder; send us powder, and ice'll return your balls." Anecdote of Burns. Than Burns, perhaps, no man more severely inflicted the castigation of reproof. The follow- ing anecdote will illustrate this fact. The con- versation one night at the King's Arms Inn, Dumfries, turning on the death of a townsman, whose funeral was to take place on the follow- ing day, " By tlie by," said one of the company, addressing himself to Burns, *' I wish you would humourist's on'N book. 79 lend me your black coat for the occasion, my own being rather out of repair." " Having myself to attend the same funeral," answered Burns, '' I am sorry that I cannot lend you my sables ; but I can recommend a most excellent substitute ; throve yoicr character over your should- ers — that will be the blackest coat you ever wore in your lifetime !" The Battle of the Pot. The following ludicrous circumstance took place some years ago in a coal district a few miles to the west of Edinburgh : — It is the lau- dable custom of that part of the country to have a somewhat better dinner on Sundays than on the other days of the week. The Dominican let- ter on the present occasion, in a certain cottage, indicated sheep's head and a haggis, two dishes, each of which may be said to stand high in the affections of a Scottish peasant, but which, to- gether, are fit to make him as happy as a king. The head was that of a stout full grown tup, and, as the old song says, it was put — i' the pat. Horns and a' thegither ; — the same pot, be it remarked, with the haggis This delicious mess was left to the charge of a little boy, the son of the honest collier, and the rest of the family all trudged off to church. During sermon, to the great mortification of the mother, the juvenile custodier of the kail-pat entered the place of worship during sermon, and began, from a station a little within the door, to make some ludicrous, but evidently 80 humourist's own book. very earnest and anxious signs to her, by way of inducing her to leave lier scat and follow him out of doors. She kept winking and gloom- ing, to make him go away ; but he was not to be carried from his purpose by any such sig- nals. It was evidently a case of great and im- portant distress. At length, the boy's anxiety getting quite the better of liis prudence, he fairly burst out with, — " 'Deed, mother, ye may winky-wanky as you like ; but it's true eneuch : I tell ye, the sheep's head has stickct the hag- gis !" Tliis appeal was heard by the whole con- gregation, and moved the very elders, and even the minister himself, to laughter ; while the old lady, hobbling out of her seat, lent the unfortu- nate scullion such a lounder on the cheek, as made him spin before her out of the church. This exclamation is to this day proverbial in the place. JVit hy Marriage. An English gentleman visiting the widow of Robert Burns, the Scottish poet, at Dumfries, was exceedingly anxious to obtain some relick of the bard, as he called it ; that is, some scrap of his handwriting, or any other little object which could be considered a memorial of the deceased. Mrs Burns replied to all his entreaties, that she had already given away every thing of that kind that was remarkable, or which she could think of parting with ; that, indeed, she had no relick to give him. Still the visitant insisted, and still Mrs Burns declared her inability to satisfy him ; at length, pushed by his good-humoured entreaties to very extremity, she as good-hu- humourist's own book. 61 mouredly said, " Well, sir, unless you take my- self, I really can think of no other relick (relict) of him that it is in my power to give, or yours to receive." Of course, this closed the argu- ment. Female Patriotism. The following anecdote, which is too well authenticated to be disputed, furnishes one in- stance, among thousands, of that heroic spirit and love of liberty, which characterized the American females during the struggle for inde- pendence. '' A good lady, in 1775, lived on the sea-board, about a day's march from Boston, where the British army then was. By some unaccounta- ble accident, a rumour was spread, in town and ■country, in and about there, that the regulars were on a full march for that place, and would probably arrive in three hours. " This was after the battle of Lexington, and all, as might be well supposed, was in sad con- fusion: some were boiling with rage, and full of fight ; some, in fear and confusion, v/ere hid- ing their treasures ; and others flying for life. In this wild moment, when most people, in some way or other, were frightened from their propriety, our heroine, who had two sons, one about nineteen years of age, the other about sixteen, was seen preparing them to discharge their duty. The eldest she was able to equip in fine style: she took her husband's" fowling- piece, '■ made for duck or plover,' (the good man being absent on a coasting voyage to Vir- ginia) and with it the powder-horn and shot- F 82 humourist's own book. bag. But the lad thinking the duck and goose shot not quite the size to kill regulars, his mother took a chisel, cut up her pewter spoons, hammered them into slugs, and put them into his bag, and he set off in great earnest, but thought he would call one moment and see the parson, who said, ' Well done, my brave boy ! God preserve you !' and on he went in tlie way of his duty. The youngest was impor- tunate for his equipments, but his mother could find nothing to arm him with, but an old rusty sword. The boy seemed rather unwilling to risk himself with this alone, but lingered in the street, in a state of hesitation, when his mother thus upbraided him : * You John H****'*, what will your father say, if he hears that a child of his is afraid to meet the British ? — go along beg or borrow a gun, or you will find one, child some coward, I dare say, will be running away then take his gun, and march forward; and if you come back, and I hear you have not be- haved like a man, I shall carry the blush of shame on my face to the grave.' She then shut the door, wiped the tear from her eye, and waited the issue. The boy joined the march. Such a woman could not have cowards for her sons. Instances of refined and delicate pride and affection occurred, at that period, every day, in different places; and, in fact, this dis- position and feeling were then so common, that it now operates as one great cause of our not hav- ing more facts of this kind recorded. What few are remembered should not be lost. Nothing great or glorious was ever achieved, which wo- men did not act in, advise, or consent to." humourist's own book. 83 Apologies for Shahbiness. A respectable public functionary in Dundee, of parsimonious habits, was one day rallied by a friend from the country upon the extreme shabbiness of his attire. " Hoot, man," an- swered the bailie, " it's nae matter ; every body kens me here ;" meaning that, his character being perfectly known in the place, it was quite unnecessary that he should fortify his preten- sions by fine clothes. It happened that the same friend met him afterwards in the streets of London; and, finding his clothes no better, expressed still greater surprise than before, add- ing, that surely his former excuse would not now avail him. " Hoot, man," answered the pertinacious miser, " naebody kens me here !" Reproof from the Pulpit. The Rev. Mr Shirra, a most eccentric dis- senting clergyman at Kirkaldy, could never endure to see any of his flock attend public worship in clothes that he thought too fine for their station in life. One Sunday after- noon, a young lass, who attended his meeting- house regularly, and was personally known to him, came in with a new bonnet of greater mag- nitude, and more richly decorated, than he thought befitted the wearer. He soon observed it; and, pausing in the middle of his discourse, said, " Leuk, ony o' ye that's near hand there, whether my wife be sleepin' or no, as 1 canna get a glint o' her for a' thae fine falderals about Jenny Bean's braw new bannet." 84 humourist's own book. Meg Dods. A late female innkeeper at Peebles, Miss Ritchie by name, answered in every respect to the character of Meg Dods, in tlje novel of St Konan's Well. In the j^ear 1?:'10, a number of French officers, who had been prisoners in the dejjot at Pennycuik, were sent to Peebles, to lodge there on parole. At their first arrival, Bomc of them went to dine at Miss Ritchie's ; and she placed before them a tureen of excel- lent Scotch broth. Being keenly set after their walk, they relished her fare very much, and said to one another, " C'est bon, c'est bon ;" accompanying the remark with shrugs and grimaces expressive of satisfaction. This, Miss Ritchie overheard, and, mistaking the express- ion, — " I daur ye," said she, " ye liallanshaker looking scoondrels, to say there's hanes i' my kail ! Gang back whaur ye cam frae, and see if ye'll get ony better there I" And it was not without some difficulty that the good lady was appeased, so as to permit them to sit any longer in her house. Another lady o|i»this stamp kept a hotel at Greenlaw, in Berwickshire, where, one day, she had the honour to receive under her roof a very worthy clergyman, with three sons of the same profession, each having a cure of souls — be it said, in passing, none of the reverend party was reckoned powerful in the pulpit. It must also be remarked that the worthy hostess, like the most of her tribe in that age, did not think herself well treated if her guests did not ask humourist's own book. 85 her to partake of their repast, or at least of their drink. After dinner was over, the worthy senior, in the pride of his heart, asked Mrs Buchan whether she ever had had such a party in her house before. "Here sit I," said he, " a placed minister of the Kirk of Scotland, and here sit my three sons, each a placed minister of the same kirk. Confess, Lucky Buchan, you never had such a party in your house before." The question not being premised by any invita- tion to sit down and take a glass of wine, Mrs B. answered drily, " Indeed, sir, I cannot just say that I ever had such a party in my house before, except once in the forty-five, when I had a Highland piper here, with his three sons, all Highland pipers ; and deil a spring could they play among them." Washington's Friendship for Gen. Knox. Washington always kept this useful and sci- entific oflTicer near his own person ; and he not only honoured him with confidence, but with brotherly affection. After the defeat of Gates's army, at Cam.den, General Greene was offered the arduous command of the southern depart- ment. The quaker General, with his usual modesty, replied, " Knox is the man for that difficult undertaking ; all obstacles vanish before him; his resources are infinite." " True," an- swered Washington, " and therefore I cannot part v.'ith him." humourist's own book. Bishop Leighton. This amiable personage, who was Bishop of Dunkeld, in the reign of Charles II, was ex- ceedingly charitable. One day, as he was tak- ing exercise in a secluded walk near the town, the widow of a poor clergyman, to whose sup- port, and that of her children, his lordship had liberally contributed, broke in upon his solitude, and for a very strange reason. The good wo- man had been led to suppose^ that the real cause of the bishop's beneficence was a desire to make himself agreeable to her. Accordingly, when he asked eagerly after her children, under the impression that her intrusion arose from sudden distress on their part, she replied that they were all well, but she had been unable to rest till she disclosed to his lordship a remarkable revelation which had been made to her. "A revelation to you !" exclaimed the astonished dignitary. *' Yes, my lord," said the woman; '* it was re- vealed to me that your lordship and I are about to be married." " Indeed," cried Leighton, " no such revelation, however, has yet been made to me ; and if we are to be married by revelation, the marriage cannot take place, you know, until it be revealed to both parties." Bons Mots of a Brother of T. Campbell. While Mr Thomas Campbell was prosecuting his studies at the University of Glasgow, he occupied the same apartments with an elder brother, who, though no poet himself, was an humourist's own book. 87 admirable critic, and possessed a species of dry- sarcastic humour, peculiarly his own. Mr Campbell had descended to the breakftist-room one morninf^, leavintr the poet to follow at his leisure. After waitinor some time, he com- menced his meal in solitude, and had nearly finished, when his brother entered with a copy of verses in his hand, which he laid on the table as an excuse for the delay, at the same time re- questing Mr Campbell's opinion of their merit. The reply was quite characteristic: "Your lines are admirable, Tom, my boy; but they want Jire ;" and, suiting the action to the word, the merciless critic committed the paper to the flames. On another occasion, when the brothers were in bed together, the poet was more than usually restless, and, in the ardour of inspiration, in- flicted sundry kicks upon his less elevated brother, which the other received with his usual sang froid. In the morning, however, he took the first opportunity of interrogating the poet as to the cause of his perplexed slum- bers. " I was not asleep," he replied, " but was attempting a poem upon grandeur, and could not get the lines to please me at all: with one or two alterations, however, I think it will do now." " Indeed !" said the elder brother drily: "Well, Tom, I don't know what share 1J0U claim in this effusion ; but I am quite sure / had all the bold strokes of it." The Lost IVig. While Lord Coalstoun lived in a house in the Advocate's Close, Edinburgh, a strange acci- 88 HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. dent one morning befell him. It was at that time the custom for advocates and judges to dress themselves in gowns, and wigs, and cra- vats, at their own houses, and walk to the Par- liament House. They usually breakfasted early, and, when dressed, were in the habit of leaning over their parlour windows for a few minutes, before St Giles's bell started the sounding peal of a quarter to nine, enjoying the agreeable morning air, and perhaps discussing the news of the day. It so happened one morning, while Lord Coalstoun was preparing to enjoy his ma- tutinal treat, two girls, who lived in the second flat above, were amusing themselves with a kit- ten, whicli, in thoughtless sport, they had swung over the window, by a cord tied round its mid- dle, and hoisted for some time up and down, till the creature was getting rather desperate with its exertions. His lordship had just popped his head out of the window, directly below that from which the kitten swung, little suspecting, good easy man, what a danger impended, like the sword of Dionysius, over his head; when down came the exasperated animal at full career, directly upon his senatorial wig. No sooner did the girls perceive what sort of land- ing place their kitten had found, than in terror or surprise they began to draw it up ; but this measure was now too late, for, along with the animal, up also came the judge's wig, fixed full in its determined talons. His lordship's sur- prise, on finding his wig lifted off his head, was ten thousand times redoubled, when, on look- ing up, he perceived it dangling in its way up- wards, without any means visible to him by which its motion might be accounted for. The astonishment, the dread, the awe almost of the humourist's own book. 89 senator below — the half mirth, half terror, of the girls above — together with the fierce and retentive energy of puss between — altogether formed a scene to which language cannot do justice, but which George Cruikshank might perhaps embody with considerable effect. It was a joke soon explained and pardoned ; but assuredly the perpetrators of it did afterwards get many a lengthened injunction from their parents never again to fish over the window with such a bait, for honest men's wigs. President Monroe. Mr Monroe, who was the United States Am- bassador in France, during the French revolu- tion, and after the fall of Robespierre, said to Madame Campan, at Saint Germain : " For- tune is rolling down the kennel, and any one may stop and pick it up." During a walk in the wood of Saint Germain, he was talking in defence of his country, which he held to be finer than ours: his daughter, who was but a child, a pupil in the establishment of Saint Germain, interrupted him by saying, '' Yes, papa, but there are no streets in America like those," pointing at the same time towards the same roads. "Very true," said Mr Monroe, "our nation may be compared to a new formed house- hold; we are in want of many things, but we possess the finest thing of all — liberty." Lachrijmal Canals. A lady who kept a boarding-school some years ago, near London, wrote a novel, in 90 humourist's own book. which, amonor other extravajrant expression?, occurred the followiiijEr : — " PJis lordship could not weep ; the tale of sorrow had frozen his lachrymal canals." A person, to whom the fair author lent a copy of her work, returned it, af- ter a perusal, with this note appended in pencil to the word canals: "Madam, I am a keen skater; would they bear .'"' The Duchess of Xcio Castle. This famous lady, who wrote many plays and romances, in the most extravagant taste of the reif^n of Cliarles II, asked Bishop Wilkins, how she could get up to the world he had discovered in the moon ; for, as the way must needs be long, a person travelling thither would require to have some resting places by the way .'' " Oh, madam," said the bishop, " your grace, who has built so many castles in the air, can be at no loss." At your Service. The late Sir Fletcher Norton was in his char- acter of a counsellor rather coarse : he once ex- amined Mr Alderman Shakespeare as a witness, and, in the course of his examination, said in a rude way, ''And pray, what trade are you, friend V "A ropemaker, at your service," re- plied the alderman. The American Soldier. In the battle of , Colonel Jesup, sus- pecting that his troops had expended nearly all humourist's own book, 91 their cartridges, passed along the rear of the line, to make inquiry as to the fact. Several soldiers who lay mortally wounded, some of them actually in the agonies of death, hearing the inquiry, forgot for a moment, in their devo- tion to their country, both the pain they endured and the approach of death, and called out, each one for himself, " Here are cartridges in my box, take and distribute them among my com- panions." A soldier in the line exclaimed to his com- mander, " My musket is shot to pieces." His comrade, who lay expiring with his wounds at the distance of a few feet, replied, in a voice scarcely audible, " My musket is in excellent order — take and use her." It is no extravagance to assert, that an army of such men, commanded by officers of corres- ponding merit, is literally invincible. Purgatory. " With regard to purgatory," says an old popish writer, " with regard to purgatory, I will not say a great deal ; but this much I think, — that the protestants may go farther, and fare worse." Other Irons in the Fire. Mrs B desired Dr Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written; adding, that, if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other irons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. " Then," 02 iiumouhist's oww book. Baid tho Doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, " 1 advise you, madam, to put it where your other irons are." Greed in Letters. It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a man's name was really fnrh, who pretended that it was Linch. " 1 see," said tiie judge, '* the old proverb is verified in this man, who being allowed an Inch, has taken an L." Travel ling Post. A traveller speaking of the many countries and cities lie had seen, one of the company asked him if he had ever been in Cosmography .' lie, taking it for the name of a city, said, " We saw it at a distance ; but, as we went post, we could not visit it." The Hat. When Marion's brigade was once engaged in battle, Captain Gee was supposed to be mor- tally wounded. A ball passed through the cock of his hat, very much tearing, not only the crown, but also his liead. lie lay, for many hours, insensible; but, suddenly reviving, his first inquiry was after his hat: which being brought to him, a friend at the same time la- menting the mangled state of his head, he ex- claimed : "Oh, I care nothing about my head : time and the doctors will mend that ; but it grieves me to think tliat the rascals have ruined my new hat forever." humourist's owit nooK. 93 Selling Lands. A yeoman of Kent selling some lands, the lawyer was puzzled as to the designation which he should have in the deeds. " S:iy gentleman," suggested a bystander ; " for selling lands is a gentleman's trade." ./? Warlike Prelate. Richard II, on the pope reclaiming, as a son of the ciiurch, a bishop he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's coat of mail, and, in the words of Scripture, asked him, " Know whether this be t/nj so7is coat or no ?" Cross .'Insicers. A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the following dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate: " How do you liver'" *' Pretty well, sir; generally a joint and pud- ding at dinner." " I mean, sir, how do you get your bread ?" *' I beg your worship's par- don ; sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes at the chandler's shop." " You may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you, how do you dor" "Tolerably well, I thank your wor.ship: I hope your worship is well." Charles the Seconds Pockets. No prince was more addressed than Charles II, while the very people who sent these gene- 94 humourist's own book. reus, nay, extravagant offers, ecarcely allowed him the necessary supplies. Killigrew saw this in the proper view, and once gave private or- ders to IIjc king's tailor to make one of his majesty's coat-pocketb of a most enormous size, and the otlier scarcely larger than a thimble. The king bein;! infornud that this was done at the desire of Killigrew, asked liiiu the reason. " May it please your majesty," re|)lied the arch wag, " the large pocket is to receive the ad- dresses of your subjects, and the other is to put the money in, which they intend to present you with." Punishment of Theft. Lord North, who was very much troubled with the gout, one day feeling some symptoms of an approaching fit, ordered his servant to bring him iiis gouty shoes. The fellow, after looking for them some time in vain, returned, and told his master lie believed they were stolen, and, as an addendum to the information, mutter- ed a few hearty curses against the thief. " Poh ! £oh !" said the good humoured peer, "do not o ill-natured ; all the harm 1 wish the rascal is, that the shoes may fit him." Generosity of La Fayette. In the year 1787, there was a destructive fire in Boston, in consequence of which many of the inhabitants were reduced to want. The Marquis La Fayette, who was then in France, having heard of the calamity, immediately wrote to his friend, Samuel Breck, of Boston, express- humourist's own book. 95 ing his sympathy for the sufferers, and directing him to draw a bill on him for 300 pounds ster- ling, to be applied towards their relief. The bill was accordiiiirlv drawn, and the money was re- ceived and apj)lied according to his directions. Mr Break's son still pre.serves this letter as a precious memorial of the philanthropy and Jime- ricfmfcelin'j; of La Fayette. This American feeling has indeed been mani- fested throughout his whole life. His only son bears the name of George Washington, and his two dauffhters are called Carolina and Viririnia. Pun upon Pun. Strange, Moore, and Wright, three notorious punsters, were, on a certain occasion, dining together, when Moore observed, "There is but one knave among us, and that's Strange." " Oh no," said Wriglit, " there is one .Moore." '* Ay," said Strange, '' that's iVright." Charles Mattheics. Matthews being asked what he was going to do with his son, (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect) " Why," an- swered the comedian, "he is going to draio Iiouscs like his father." Making Free. Some time anfo, a member of Parliament ap- plied to the post-office, to know why some of his franks had been charged. The answer was: " We supposed, sir, they were not of your writ- 96 humourist's own book. ing ; the hand is not the same.'*' " Why, not precisely the same ; but the truth is, I happened to be a little tipsrj when I wrote them." " Then, sir, will you, in future, be so good as to write 'drunk,' when you make/rce. John Hancock. During the siege at Boston, General Wash- ington consulted Congress upon the propriety of bombarding the town of Boston. Mr Han- cock was the President of Congress. After General Washington's letter was read, a solemn silence ensued. This was broken by a member making a motion that the House should resolve itself into a committee of the whole, in order that Mr Hancock might give his opinion upon the important subject, as he was deeply inter- ested from having all his estate in Boston. Af- ter he left the chair, he addressed the chairman of the committee of the whole in the following words : " It is true. Sir, nearly all the property I have in the world is in houses and other real estate in the town of Boston ; but if the expul- sion of the British army from it, and the liber- ties of our country require their being burnt to VLshes— issue the order for that purjwse immedi- ately !" Historical Doubts. An auctioneer, at a sale of antiquities, put up a helmet, with the following candid observa- tion: — "This, ladies and gentlemen, is a hel- met of Romulus, the Roman Founder ; but whether he was a brass or iron founder, I can- not tell." humourist's own book. 97 Stocks Low. A vvaor, passing through a country town in the north, observed a fellow placed in the stocks, — " My friend," said he, " I advise you by all means to sell out." " I should have no objection, your honour," he replied drily, '' but at present they seem much too low." Hanging for Fashion's Sake. Lord Mansfield, being willing to save a man who stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at tenpence ; upon which the prosecutor cried out, " Tenpence, my lord ! why the very fash- ion of it cost me five pounds !" " Oh," said his lordship, " We must Jiot hang a man for fashion's sake." Judicial Integrity. Judge Sewall, of Massachusetts, who died in 1760, went one day into a hatter's shop, in order to purchase a pair of second-hand brushes for cleaning his shoes. The master of the shop pre- sented him with a couple. " What is your price ?" said the judge. " If they will answer your purpose," replied the other, ''you may have them and welcome." The judge, upon hearing this, laid them down, and bowing, was leaving the shop ; upon which the hatter said to him, " Pray, sir, your honour has forgotten the principal object of your visit." " By no means," answered the judge ; " if you please to set a price I am ready to purchase : but ever yo HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. since it has fallen to my lot to occupy a seat on the bench, I have studiously avoided receiving to the value of a single copper, lest, at some fu- ture period of my life, it might have some kind of influence in determining my judgment." Tivie Enough. An officer in the fleet of Earl St Vincent, asked one of the captains, who was gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, " Whether he had reckoned the number of the enemy ?" " No," replied the latter, " it will be time enough to do that when we have made them strike !" Posts and Railing. Mr Pitt was forming a park about Walmer Castle, thinking to enclose it with posts and rails. As he was one day calculating the ex- pense, a gentleman stood by, and told him that he did not go the cheapest way to work. " Why ?" said the premier. " Because," re- plied the gentleman, " if you will find posts, the country will find railing.'' Superficial Knowledge. A young man, in a large company, descant- ing very flippantly on a subject, his knowledge of which was evidently very superficial, the Duchess of Devonshire asked his name. " 'Tis Scarlet," replied a gentleman who stood by. *' That may be," said her grace, " and yet he is not deep read." humourist's own book. 99 Dr Spring of Watertovm. A man of property, residing in Charlestown, Mass., who bad long been in babits of intem- perance, at last found bis bealtbontbe decline, and resolved to consult the celebrated Dr Spring, of Watertown. He stated to him the symptoms of his case, which the learned Doctor could not but understand. " I can cure you," said be, " if you follow my advice ;" which the patient implicitly promised to do. " Now," says the doc- tor, " you must steal a horse." " What ! steal a horse .?" '* Yes — you must steal a horse. You will then be arrested, convicted, and placed in a situation where your diet and regimen will be such, that in a short time your health will be perfectly restored." " I wish I could. ^^ A gentleman, travelling in a long lane, where his horse could hardly get through the mire, met a peasant, of whom he inquired the way to a certain place. " Straight forward," said the man, " you cannot go out of your way." " Faith, I fear so," said the querist; " I wish I could 1" Lenthall, the Speaker. In the time of the Long Parliament, Sandys, a gentleman of bold spirit, was examined before the House, when Lenthall, the Speaker, put some ridiculous and impertinent questions to him, asking, at last, what countryman he was ? " Of Kent," said Sandys ; " and pray, may I 100 humourist's own book. demand the same of you ?" "I am out of the west," said Lenthall. " By my troth," replied Sandys, " so I thought, for all the wise men come out of the east." Exhumation of the Regicides. In the crowd which attended the exhumation of Cromwell, Ireton, and Bradshaw, after the Restoration, some one exclaimed, " Who would have ever thought to see Cromwell hanged for high treason ?" " Oh, sir," said another, " this is nothing strange : see," he added, pointing to Bradshaw, " there is ^president for it." Doctor Lathrop. Doctor Lathrop was a man of genuine piety, but much opposed to the noisy zeal that seeketh " to be known of men." A young divine, who was much given to en- thusiastic cant, one day said to him, " Do you suppose you have any real religion .?" " None to speak of," was the excellent reply. Sir Isaac Newton. Sir Isaac Newton was once riding over Salis- bury Plain, when a boy keeping sheep called to him, " Sir, you had better make haste on, or you will get a wet jacket." Newton, looking round and observing neither clouds nor a speck on the horizon, jogged on, taking very little no- tice of the rustic's information. He had made but a few miles, when a storm, suddenly arising, drenched him to the skin. Surprised at the cir- humourist's own book. 101 cumstance, and determined, if possible, to as- certain how an ignorant boy had attained a precision of knowledge of the weather of which the wisest philosophers would be proud, he rode back, wet as he was. " My lad," said Newton, " I'll give thee a guinea if thou wilt tell me how thou canst foretell the weather so truly." "Will ye, sir.'' I will then;" and the boy, scratching his head, and holding out his hand for the guinea; "Now, sir," having received the money, and pointing to his sheep, " when you see that black ram turn his tail towards the wind, 'tis a sure sign of rain within an hour." " What!" exclaimed the philosopher, " must I, in order to foretell the weather, stay here and watch which way that black ram turns his tail .'"' " Yes, sir." OIF rode Newton, quite satisfied witli his discovery. Good Substitute for Law. " I defy you," said a stubborn culprit to a justice during the Civil War ; " there is no law now." " Then," said the justice gravely to his servants, " if there be no law, bring me a rope." The knave instantly knocked under. Charles II. Charles the Second laid it down as a rule, that in his convivial parties the king icas always absent. Being one night in a select party of this kind, one of his courtiers, who had contri- buted a good deal to his mirth, ventured to ask him for a place. Charles, though he liked the man as a companion, was yet unwilling to break 102 humourist's own book. through a fixed rule ; and he therefore quickly replied, — " You may depend on it, I will speak to the kins: to-morrow about it." General Washington'' s Motion. In 1817, in a debate in the house of Dele- gates, on the bill relative to a map of Virginia, in which something was said of military roads, Mr Mercer L. related and applied an anecdote of General Washington, which he had received from a member of the Convention that formed the Constitution of the United States. The subject of power to be given the new Congress, relative to a standing army, was on the tapis. A member made a motion that Congress should be restricted to a standing army not exceeding five thousand at any one time. Gen. Washing- ton, who, being chairman, could not offer a motion, whispered to a member from Maryland, to amend the motion, by providing that no fo- reign enemy should invade the United States at any one time, with more than three thousand troops. Peter the Great. A Russian officer, named Valensky, who had a command in the Persian expedition, had once been beaten by the Emperor Peter's order, mis- taking him for another. " Well," said Peter, *' I am sorry for it, but you will deserve it one day or other, and then remind me that you are in arrears with me ;" which accordingly hap- pened upon that very expedition, and he was excused. humourist's own book. 103 Judge Jeffries. Jeffries, examining an old fellow with a long beard, told him, he supposed he had a con- science quite as long as that natural ornament of his visage. " Does your lordship measure consciences by beards.?" said the man; "that is strange, seeing you are yourself shaven." Sheridan and the Westminster Voter. As Mr Sheridan was coming up to town in one of the public coaches, for the purpose of canvassing Westminster, at the time when Paull was his opponent, he found himself in company with two Westminster electors. In the course of the conversation, one of them asked the other to whom he meant to give his vote ? When his friend replied, " To Paull, cer- tainly ; for though I think him but a shabby sort of fellow, I would vote for any one rather than that rascal Sheridan !" " Do you know Sheridan ?" asked the stran- ger. " Not I, sir," answered the gentleman, " nor should I wish to know him." The conversation dropped here ; but when the party alighted to breakfast, Sheridan called aside the one gentleman, and said, — " Pray who is that very agreeable friend of yours ? He is one of the pleasantest fellows I ever met with, and I should be glad to know his name .''" *' His name is Mr T : he is an eminent lawyer, and resides in Lincoln's Inn Fields." 104 humourist's own book. Breakfast over, the party resumed thoir seats in the coach ; soon after which, Sheridan turned the discourse to the law. " It is," said he, " a fine profession. Men ma}' rise from it to the highest eminence in the state ; and it gives vast scope to the display of talent : many of the most virtuous and noble characters recorded in our history have been lawyers. I am sorry, how- ever, to add, that some of the greatest rascals have been lawyers ; but of all the rascals of lawyers I ever heard of, the greatest is one Mr T , who lives in Lincoln's Inn Fields." ** I am Mr T ," said the gentleman. " And I am Mr Sheridan," was the reply. The jest was instantly seen ; they shook hands, and, instead of voting against the face- tious orator, the lawyer exerted himself warmly in promoting his election. JVamcs alter Things. A few years since, a tract of land belonging to North Carolina, was ceded to South Carolina. A young lady very tciscly observed, " I am sorry father's plantation is in that tract; for every- body says North Carolina is more healthy than Soutli Carolina." Buckingham and Sir Robert Twiner. The second Duke of Buckingham talking to Sir Robert Viner in a melancholy humour about his personal extravagance, " I am afraid, Sir Robert," he said, "■ I shall die a becrgar at last — the most terrible thing in the worfd." *' Upon my word, my lord," answered tlie mayor, humourist's own hook. Ki") " there is another thing more terrible which you have reason to apprehend, and that is, that you will live a beggar at the rate you go on." ^ Bulhj. A bully telling a ^ntleman,that in manhood and valour he came far behind him, " You are not far wrong," answered the other ; " the last time I fouglit with you, you ran away so fast that I could not overtake you, run as I might." The BelloiDS-Bloioer. In a cathedral, one day, after service, the bellows-blower said to the organist, " I think we have done very well to-day." " We T' said the organist, in no small surprise at the impu- dence of his menial, " how can you pretend to have any merit in the performance .? Never let me hear you say such a thing again." The man said nothing more at the time, but when they were next playing, he suddenly intermitted in his task of inflating the organ. The organist rose in wrath to order him to proceed, when the fel- low, thrusting his head out from behind the cur- tain, asked slily, " Shall it be we then .?" Military Pride. A farmer was elected to a corporalship in a militia company. His wife, after discoursing with him for some time on the advantage which the family would derive from his exaltation, inquired in a doubting tone, " Husband, will it be proper for us to let our children play with 106 HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. the neighbours now ?" One of the little urchins eagerly asked, " Are we not all corporals ?" " Tut," said the mother, " hold your tongue ; there is no one corporal, but your father and myself." Lord Kenyon. A friend having pointed out to Sheridan, that Lord Kenyon had fallen asleep at the first re- presentation of Pizarro, and that, too, in the midst of Rolla's fine speech to the Peruvian soldiers, the dramatist felt rather mortified ; but, instantly recovering his usual good hu- mour, he said, " Ah, poor man ! let him sleep : he thinks he is on the bench." Benefit of Stammering. A stammering Lord Deloraine, being in a cock-pit, and offering several bets, which he would have lost if he could have replied in time, at length offered ten pounds to a crown. A gambler, who stood by, said, "Done;" but, his lordship's fit of stuttering happening to seize him at that moment, he could not repeat the word " Done" till the favourite cock was beat. ''Confound your stuttering tongue!" cried the leg, " if you could speak like other folk, you would be ruined." ^ Match for Sheridan. Sheridan sometimes met with his match, and that in quarters where it might have been least expected. He was one day endeavouring to humourist's own book. 107 cut a suit of new clothes out of a tailor's shop in the city. Flattery was the weapon he employ- ed. " Upon my word," said he, " you are an ex- cellent finisher ; you beat our snips in the West End hollow. Why don't you push your thim- ble amongst us ? I'll recommend you every where. Upon my honour your work does you infinite credit." '* Yes," replied the artist, " I always take care that my work gives lo7ig credit, but the wearers ready money.'' - Building Horses. Not many years ago, a pair of miserably lean horses, that looked as though the next gust of wind would take them into the air, and who were already waiting to have their understand- ing secured by a few nails, attracted the atten- tion of a wag, while passing by a blacksmith's shop. The fellow paused a moment, and ex- amined these objects of anatomy, then stepped into the shop, and gravely accosted its occupant with "Do you build horses, sir.?" "Build horses !" exclaimed the astonished son of Vul- can, taking off his paper cap and lengthening down his round good-natured face — " build horses, sir! what do you mean.?" "Why," replied the wag, " I saw a couple of frames standing at the door, and I thought I'd just in- quire." Good Manners. Dunning, the celebrated barrister, was ad- dicted to the low and unpardonable vice of turning witnesses into ridicule at their exami- 108 humourist's own book. nations. One morning, he was telling Mr So- licitor-General Lee that he had just bought a few good manors in Devonshire, near his native village of Ashburton. " I wish," said Lee, *' you would bring some of them into Westmin- ster Hall ; for, upon my honour, you have most need of them there." A Monarch in Fault. About the time when Murphy so successfully attacked the stage struck heroes in the pleasant farce of The Apprentice, an eminent poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of his servant, who, he understood, was that evening to make his debut in Lear ; he entered the room at the moment when Dick was exclaiming, " I am the king — you cannot touch me for coining !" " No, you dog," cried the enraged master, catching the mad monarch by the collar ; " but I can for not picking the ducks." \&n East Indian Major Longbow. An old East Indian, who had returned from Calcutta, with a large fortune and a liver com- plaint, had retired to his native place (Banff- shire), and was availing himself, one evening, of the usual privilege of travellers to a very large extent. His Scotch friends listened to his Major Longboics with an air of perfect be- lief; till, at last, the worthy nabob happened to say, that in a particular part of India, it was usual to fatten horses upon the flesh of sheep's heads, reduced to a pulp, and mixed with rice. ** Oh," exclaimed all his auditors with one humourist's own book. 109 voice, " Oh, that will never do. We can be- lieve all the rest ; but really, feeding horses upon sheep's heads is too bad." " Well, gen- tlemen," said the man of the East, " I assure you, that my story about the horses is the only bit of truth that I have told you this evening .'" The .American Eagle. A boatman, while engaged in conveying salt on the Onondago lake, a few years since, saw a large gray eagle cutting his gyrations in the air, apparently noticing some prey in the lake beneath. In a moment he poised, and darted from his altitude into the water, from which he was unable to rise. A continued flapping with his broad and extended pinions kept him from being drawn under, and proved that his dia- mond eyes had not mistaken their object. He approached the land slowly, the unknown crea- ture below acting as propellant and helmsman. The boatman grew interested in the affair, and landed. The eagle, on touching terra firma, showed himself fastened to a fine salmon. Our hero, thinking it time to take his share of the plunder, cut himself a stout cudgel, and ap- proached the imperial bird of Jove ; which, hav- ing his talons fast, was unable to rise, advance, or recede. Three times was the club raised to strike, but the noble bearing of the regal bird, and his undaunted front, made even the boat- man quail. He could not assault imprisoned majesty. The eagle exhibited no signs of fear, but occasionally nibbled the gills of his prize, and indignantly glanced at the intrusive boat- man. At length the talons of one leg became 110 humourist's own book. released, and, by a dexterous turn, those of the other, when he soared away to his thunder- clouds on high, leaving the much coveted sal- mon to the boatman, who, on weighing it, found it to balance twenty-six pounds. Foote and the Earl of Kelly. When the Earl of Kelly paid Foote a visit at his country villa, that celebrated wit took him into his garden, and, alluding to the beaming honours of his lordship's face, said, " Pray, my lord, look over the wall upon ray cucumber bed ; it has had no sun this year." The Greatest Bore in London. When Sir William Curtis returned from his voyage to Italy and Spain, he called to pay his respects to Mr Canning, at Gloucester Lodge. Among other questions. Sir William said, " But, pray, Mr Canning, what do you say to the tun- nel under the Thames?" "Say," replied the secretary, " why, I say it will be the greatest hare London ever had, and that is saying a great deal." Sheridan upon Regularity^ with Jfotes by the Earl of Guildford. Just about the time that Mr Sheridan took his house in Saville Row, he happened to meet Lord Guildford in the street, to whom he men- tioned his change of residence, and also an- nounced a change in his habits. " Now, my dear lord, every thing is carried on in my house humourist's own book. Ill with the greatest regularity; every thing, in short, goes like clockwork." "Ah!" replied Lord Guildford, " tick, tick, tick, I suppose." ^ Compliment Quizzed. A gentleman walking in the fields with a lady, picked a Hue hell, and taking out his pen- cil, w^rote the following lines, which, with the flower, he presented to the lady. This pretty flower, of heavenly hue, Must sttrely be allied to you ; For you, dear girl, are heavenly too. To which the lady replied : — If, sir, your compliment be true, I'm sorry that / look so blue. Tlie Effects of no Government. Colonel Barre, the celebrated friend of the rights of America in the British Parliament, in travelling through this country, some years previous to the revolution, paid a visit to the Governor of Connecticut, of whom he made inquiries respecting the constitution of the coun- try. His Excellency informed him that, liter- ally speaking, there was no government what- ever; that as to his power, he was a mere ci- pher ; that the legislature met only to wrangle and do nothing ; in a word, it was mere anarchy and confusion, whenever any active step was to be taken ; and that, upon the whole, the people generally governed themselves, every man doing as he pleased. The conversation changed ; and the colonel spoke of the face of 112 humourist's own book. the country ; the improvements everywhere visible ; and the universal appearance of plenty and happiness in the fields, dwellings, and clothing of the people. The governor assented, and said he believed there was hardly a country in the world that excelled it in all those particu- lars. Such, said the colonel, were the effects of the no government he had just expatiated upon. Mr Jekyll. Mr Jekyll being told that Mr Raine the Bar- rister was engaged as counsel for a Mr Hay, inquired, if Raine was ever known to do good to Hay ? Anchovies and Capers. A few years ago, an Irish officer, who be- longed to a regiment in garrison at Malta, re- turned to this country on leave of absence ; and, according to the custom of travellers, was fond of relating the wonders he had seen. Among other things, he one day, in a public coffee- room, expatiated on the excellency of living in general, among the military. ** But," said he, " as for the Anchovies — by the powers, there is nothing to be seen like them in the known world!" " Why, that is abold assertion," said a gentleman present ; " for I think England can boast of that article in as great perfection as any country, if not greater." " My dear sir," re- plied the Irishman, ''you'll pardon me for saying that your opinion is founded on sheer ignorance of the fact } — excuse my plain speaking ; but humourist's own book. 113 you'd soon be of my way of thinking, if you saw the fruit growing so beautiful and large, as I have seen it many's the day." " Well done, Pat," exclaimed his opponent ; " the fruit grow- ing so beautiful and large ! — on a tree, I suppose? Come, you won't beat that, however." " Do you doubt the word of a gentleman, sir.?" re- torted the officer. " I doubt the fact^ sir," an- swered the gentleman. " Then, by the powers! you only display your own want of understand- ing, by so doing : and I take it very uncivil of you ; for I've seen the anchovies grow upon the trees with my owni eyes, many's the hundred times; and beautiful's the grove of them that the Governor has in his garden on the esplan- ade ; besides, the whole of the walls of the for- tress are completely covered with them, as all my brother officers could attest at this present time, were they here to the fore, to do that same." " Upon my soul," returned his oppo- nent, laughing heartily, *' you out-Mandeville even Sir John himself— and he was no flincher at a fib. He it was, I believe, who asserted that oysters grew upon trees on the Malabar coast; but you give us anchovies ready pickled, from the same source ! Huzza for Saint Patrick ! — the days of miracles have returned !" " Then, sir," returned the Irishman,bridling with anger, " am I to understand that you doubt my word .?" " You may understand, sir, what you please ; but, though the license of travellers is generally allowed to be pretty extensive, you must not suppose that any gentleman in this company is to be crammed with an absurdity so palpable, as that of anchovies growing upon trees." " As much as to say, sir, in plain terms, that I have H 114 humoueist's own book. told you a lie ? — say the word, sir, and I am satisfied. I'm not quarrelsome, sir, but, by my sowl ! only say that, and you had better been born without a shoe to your foot, or a shirt to your back." " Neither you, sir," returned the gentleman, " nor any other man, shall con)pel me to say that I believe that which is by nature impossible." " Then, sir, I'll beg lave to ad- dress a few words to this honourable company ; after which, as my veracity and honour are con- cerned, both as an officer and a gentleman, if you do not retract your words, and own your conviction that what I have said is true, I shall insist on your meeting me in another place, more convenient, may be, for settling disputes, than this room." " Go on, sir," said the gentle- man. " In the first place, then, gentlemen, upon my honour and conscience ! as I have a sowl to be saved, and to escape the pains of purgatory, I swear by all the saints in the calendar, that I would scorn to tell a false- hood to man or mortal. These very eyes have, on ten thousand different occasions, seen the anchovies, as plump as gooseberries, grow- ing on, and plucked from, the trees in his majesty's island and fortress of Malta. In the second place " ^' Impossible !" ex- claimed his pertinacious opponent; " I tell you to your face, and before these gentlemen, that you never saw any such thing." " The lie direct ! — By the rod of St Patrick ! it is more than a Christian officer can bear; — but I'll keep myself cool for the honour of the corps ; and I'd advise you, sir, if you can't be aisy, that you'd better be as easy as you can ; for if you spaik such another disrespectful and injurious wofd, humourist's own book. 115 I'll not call you out at all ; but, by the powers ! I'll smite your eye out on the spot, and plaster the walls with your blood ! — so you had better take care of yourself, and not be cantankerous, my dear honey. — But to return to my argument, sir, which you have so uncivilly interrupted, — I was going to observe, in the second place, to yourself, that it is a rule in the army, and more particularly in the honourable corps to which I belong, that no gentleman shall presume to doubt the word of another, unless he can posi- tively prove that he is wrong, and that too on the spot. Therefore, sir, even suppose I had tould you a lie, you have no right, by the laws of honour, to challenge me with it ; because you never were at Malta at all, and of course could not see the thing with your own eyes. But, sir, by way of conclusion to my discourse, 1 have to remark to ye, that you have not only insulted an officer and a gentleman, but an Irishman ; therefore I trust that every one present will see that I have sufficient reason for requiring sat- isfaction." " Satisfaction ! — pooh ! pooh ! for what.'' for a mere difference of opinion ? Non- sense !" exclaimed several of the party. ''' I beg your pardon, gentlemen, no difference of opinion at all : he has given me the lie ; and Cornailius O'Flanagan's own father's son won't take the lie from man or mortal, even, as I said before, if it was true. Do ye know the way we begin fighting in Tipperary ^ I'll tell ye, if ye don't : Paddy chalks his hat, d'ye see, all round the rim of it, and down he throws it on the green turf. * I should like any body to tell me now,' says he, ' that this isn't silvur lake.' So, then, away they go to it with the shilelagh; — IIG humourist's own book. you understand me, sir, that is our way. An Irishman's honour is dearer to him than his life ; and even when in the wrong, he'd sooner die than have a He thrown in his teeth. So now, gentlemen, I'll bid ye all a good night ; and as for you, sir, there is my card, which I shall be happy to exchange for yours." The English- man, of course, gave his address, and the next day the parties met, attended by their seconds. They fired, and O'Flanagan's shot took effect in the fleshy part of his opponent's thigh, which made the latter jump about a foot from the ground, and fall flat upon his back, wliere he lay for a few seconds in agony, kicking his heels. This being observed by the Irishman's second, he said, " You have hit your man, O'Flanagan, that is certain : I think not dangerously, how- ever ; for see what capers he cuts." " Capers ! Capers!" exclaimed the Irishman. " Och ! the heavenly powers ! What have I done .'' What a dreadful mistake!" And running up to his wounded antagonist, he took his hand, and pressing it eagerly, thus addressed him : " My dear friend ! if ye're kilt, I ax yer pardon in this world and the next ; for I made a mis- take ; — it was capers that I saw growing up- on the trees at Malta, and not anchovies at all !" The wounded man, smiling at this ludi- crous explanation and apology, said, "My good fellow, I wish you had thought of that a little sooner. I don't think you have quite killed me, but I hope you will remember the difference between anchovies and capers as long as you live." humouuist's own book. 117 Anti- Climax. Mr H , the Professor of Chemistry in the University of Dublin, who was more remarka- ble for the clearness of his intellect than the purity of his eloquence, adverted in one of his lectures to the celebrated Dr Boyle, of whose talents he spoke with the highest veneration : he thus concluded his eulogy : — " He was a great man ; he was the father of chemistry, gentlemen, and brother of the Earl of Cork." Titles. Several years ago there was a young English nobleman figuring away at Washington. He had not much brains, but a vast number of ti- tles, which, notwithstanding our pretended dis- like to them, have sometimes the effect of tick- ling the ear amazingly. Several young ladies were in debate, going over the list — he is Lord Viscount so and so, Baron of such a county, &c. " My fair frienar^-shire." Fox and Sheridan. Sheridan was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and exhibited its beauties. '• There, Mr Sheri- dan," said Fox, who combined twenty occupa- tions, without being clever in one, "I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes." '' Did you," said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly ; '' well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush." Nerves. A dowager Duchess of Bedford, in her eighty- fifth year, was living at Buxton, at a time when it was the medical farce of the day for the fa- SS6 humourist's own book. culty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into ' a shock of the nervous system.' Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the room, what hrought them there ? and being generally answered ' for a nervous com- plaint,' was asked in her turn, what brought her to Buxton ? " I came only for pleasure," answered the hale old lady, " for, thank God, I was born before nerves came into fashion." Logical Illustration. A layman in Providence, who occasionally ex- horted at evening meetings, thus expressed his belief in the existence of a Deity. '' Brethren, — I am just as confident that there is a Supreme Being, as I am that there is flour in Alexandria; and that I know for certain, as I yesterday re- ceived from there a lot of three hundred barrels, fresh, superfine, which I will sell as low as any person in town." Substance and Shadoio. A fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a long face, that he had seen a ghost. " When and where?" said the pastor. '• Last night," replied the man, " I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it did I be- hold the spectre." " In what shape did it ap- pear.?" replied the priest. '^ It appeared in the shape of a great ass." '' Go home, and hold your tongue about it," rejoined the pastor, *'you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadoio." humourist's own book. 227 Professional Enthusiasm. Brindley, an engineer, carried his attachment to artificial navigations so far, that, when ex- amined before the House of Commons, he spoke of rivers with most sovereign contempt. One of the members asked him for what pur- pose he apprehended rivers to have been creat- ed ? To this, after a moment's pause, he re- plied, '• To feed navigable canals." Sycophancy Caricatured, At a time when Queen Elizabeth was making one of her progresses through the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large caval- cade, went out to meet her majesty, and usher her into the citj^ with due formality. On their return, the weather being very hot, as they passed through a wide brook, Mr Mayor's horse several times attempted to drink, and each time his worship checked him, which her ma- jesty observing, called out to him, " Mr Mayor ! Mr Mayor! let your horse drink, Mr Mayor;" but the magistrate, veiling his bonnet, and bowing very low, modestly answered, " Nay, nay, may it please your majesty's horse to drink first." Wiafs rt' the Hurry. My excellent friend, says a living writer, now known as the Ettrick Shepherd, was, fifteen or twenty years ago, a member of the Forum, then a popular debating society. He had taken it 228 humourist's own book. into his head thathe was an orator, and, in order to ffive greater effect to his speech, he had planted himself in a conspicuous and command- ino- situation in the gallery. The church (in Carrubber's close) was crowded to excess. The president had proposed, and I had opened the question ; it was, as I well remember, upon the comparative happiness of the married and single state. Hogg was then unmarried, and a staSnch antagonist. I had espoused the side ot matrimony, and found that the cause I advocated was not unpopular. Hogg rose m reply, i^ or a space, his appearance though somewhat Doric and uncouth, was rather imposing, and he dwelt amongst " squaUing weans and scolding Kates with all the address of the gudeman of Auchter- muchty. I began, in fact, to fear that the au- dience was disposed to go along with him, when, all at once, he paused, and, after some instants of breathless suspense, pulled from his pockets the contents of his seemingly extempore ad- dress. A gentleman, who occupied a situation in the body of the church, having observed the pause, without seeing the occasion of it, and imagining that the speaker had stopped as a mill pauses, for want of an encouragmg moving force, exclaimed, in a tone and manner ludic- rously resembling those of an orator, tro on, honest man !" Hogg coolly snuffed the candle which was attached to the adjoining pi lar, and opening out his papers slowly and deliberately said, with the utmost composure. What s a the hurry?" When I see the world a-gog, and a- drive, and a-push, and a-struggle, in every di- rection into which perverted genius has sent wool-crathering. I am ever and anon disposed It a w humourist's own book. 220 to exclaim, with my old friend Hogg, " What's a' the hurry ?" A Nexo Translation. A country 'squire asked his son, who had been at a Latin school, what was the meaning of the words nemini secundus? " Why, fa- ther," said he, " that is a man who was never second to any one in a duel." A Traveller's Bull. A modern traveller, in a late publication, states, that the tcomen of Sunda, near Fez, are the best horsemen in the world. The Blind and the Blind. A gentleman disputing about religion in But- ton's coffee house, some of the company said, "You talk of religion, I'll hold you five guineas you can't repeat the Lord's prayer : Sir Richard Steele here shall hold the stakes." The money being deposited, the gentleman began, " I be- lieve in God," and so went through his creed. " Well !" said the other, '-' I own I have lost it; but did not think you could have done it." Sympathy. The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch : the next moment a young curate calling out,'' Lie still, your grace !" leapt over him, and pursued his sport. Such an apparent want of feeling, we might presume, 230 humourist's own book. was properly resented — not so. On being as- sisted to remount, the duke said, " That young man shall have the first good living that falls to my disposal; had he stopped to have taken care of me, I never would have patronized him:" being delighted with an ardour similar to his own, or with a spirit that would not stoop to flatter. Ji Circuitous lie. A shoemaker who did not choose to tell ab- solute falsehoods, contrived as well as he could to evade such as his profession occasionally compelled him to use. When he had cut out the leather for a pair of shoes, he laid it down upon the floor and walked once or twice around it. If then asked by his customers whether he had done the shoes, he would truly answer, " No, but I have hecn about them." [The moral off"ence is the same, because though it was not a direct lie, it was a circuitous one]. Ben Jonson. Lord Craven, in King James the First's reign, was very desirous to see Ben Jonson ; which being told to Ben, he went to my lord's house; but being in a very shabby condition, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to return. My lord, happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the occasion of it .' Ben, who stood in need of nobody to speak for him, said, " He understood his lordship desired humourist's own book. 231 to see him." "You, friend!" said my lord, '• who are you?" "Ben Jonson," rephed the other. " No, no," quoth his lordship, " you cannot be Ben Jonson who wrote the Silent Woman; you look as if you could not say Bo to a goose." " Bo 1" cried Ben. " Very well," said my lord, who was more pleased at the joke than offended at the affront ; " I am now con- vinced you are Ben Jonson." The Quack Doctor. A quack doctor, in one of his bills, said he could bring living witnesses to prove the effi- cacy of his nostrum, " which is more," says he, " than others in my line can do." Charming Condescension. On one occasion, when John Kemble played Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, " Will you play upon this pipe .^" " My lord, lean- not." " I do beseech you .^" '• Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can ;" and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he played God save the king. The Miser. An old miser, who had a footman that had a good appetite, and ate fast, but was slow when sent on a message, used to wish that his ser- vant would eat with his feet, and walk with his teeth. 232 humourist's own boos. Editorial Dilemma. During the dead season, the editor of a coun- try paper being much distressed for matter, ransacked every hole and corner for intelHgence, and, after having, as he thought, completed his task, sat down to dinner with what appetite he might. In the middle of it he was interrupted by the entrance of his familiar, alias ' the de- vil,' demanding " more copy!" " D — n the fel- low," " more copy!" said lie. " Why, haveyou put in the story of the tremendous mushroom found in Mr Jones's field ?" " Yes, sir." " And the account of the prodigious crop of apples gathered from Mr Timms's tree?" " Yes, sir." " And about Mr Thompson's kitten being suck- led by a hedgehog." '' Yes, sir." — " And Mr Smith's dreadful accident with his one-horse chaise as he passed down Holborn Hill ?" — " Yes, sir." — " About the men who stole the corn out of the stacks in the farm yard ?" " Yes, sir, it is all up, but there is still a line and a half wanting." " Then add," said he, with the ut- most dignity, " that they most au-da-ci-ous-ly took and threshed it out on the premises.'" Ji Dirty Witness. A German gentleman, in the course of a strict cross-examination on a trial during the Oxford circuit, was asked to state the exact age of the defendant. " Dirty," (thirty) was the reply, " And pray, sir, are you his senior, and by how many years .^" " Why, sir, I am dirtrj-two." humourist's own book. 233 Epigravi. Your comedy I've read, my friend, And like the half yon piller'd best; But sure the drama you might mend — Take courage, man ! and steal the rest. Duchess of Marlhoraugh. The proud duke of Somerset, a little time before his death, paid a visit to Sarah, duchess of Marlborough, who insisted on his drinking with her a glass of Tokay, which had been pre- sented to her husband by the emperor. He assented, and she addressed him as follows: — "iVIylord, I consider your grace drinking a glass of wine with me as a very high honour, and I beg leave to propose two healths, the most unpopular iiuaginable, and which nobody in the three kingdoms except ourselves would drink : Here is your health and mine." Long Pause. A great teller of stories was in the midst of one of them, at his evening club, when notice was brought him that a ship, in which he was going to the West Indies, was on the point of sailing; he was therefore obliged to break off abruptly. But on his return from Jamaica some years afterwards, he repaired to the club, and, taking possession of his old seat by the fireside, he resumed his tale : " Gentlemen, as I was saying" — 234 humourist's own book. Quackery. " Ma'am," said a quack of Long Island to a nervous old lady, " your case is a scrutunuturury complaint." " Pray, Doctor, what is that.?" " It is the dropping of the nerves, ma'am, the nerves having fallen in the pizarintum, the chist be- comes morberous, and the head goes tisarizen, tisarizen !" — " Ah ! Doctor," exclaimed the old lady, " you have described my feelings exactly." Geyieral Wolfe. General Wolfe, happening to overhear a young officer talk of him in a very familiar manner, as, '' Wolfe and I drank a bottle of wine together," and so on, appeared, and said, " I think you might say General Wolfe." " No," replied the subaltern, with a happy pre- sence of mind, " did you ever hear of General Achilles, or General Julius Caesar." Amendment Amended. A member of parliament making a motion to bring in a bill for repairing a very bad road, in a particular county, another member stood up and said, " It would be more economical to pass an act for making it navigable." Real Danger. A physician being sent for by a maker of uni- versal specifics, grand salutariums, &xi. ex- pressed his surprise at being called in on an humourist's own book. 235 occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by a mistake, taken some of my own pills." Professional Blindness. Sir Joshua Reynolds studied originally under Hudson, an English portrait painter, who be- stowed very liberally on his customers fair tie wigs, blue velvet coats, and white satin waist- coats. He afterwards went to Italy, where he studied three years. On his return, he hired a large house in Newport Street, and the first specimen he gave of his abilities, was a boy's head in a turban, richly painted in the style of Rembrandt, which so attracted Hudson's atten- tion, that he called every day to see it in its progress ; and perceiving, at last, no trace of his own manner left, he exclaimed, "Really, Reynolds, you don't paint so well as when you left England." Spealdng Oysters. An honest Jonathan, from Berkshire, on his visit to the metropolis, was wakened one night, by hearing the cry of" Oyst' buy any oysters !" in the melifluous tones of the vendors of these luscious shell fish, who was passing under the windows of the hotel. A noise so new to his ear, startled him, and he aroused his room-mate to inquire what it meant. " They are only oysters," replied his fellow lodger pettishly. — " Oysters!" exclaimed Jonathan in astonishment, " oxidi do oysters hol- lur as loud as that.?" 236 humourist's own book. Counsellor Dunning. Counsellor Dunning was cross-examining an old woman, who was an evidence in a case of assault, respecting the identity of the defend- ant. " Was he a tall man?" says he. "Not very tall ; much about the size of your honour." ''Was he well-looked?" "Not very; much like your honour." "Did he squint?" "A little; but not so much as your honour." George I. King George I. was remarkably fond of see- ing the play of Henry VIII., which had some- thing in it that peculiarly hit the taste of that monarch. One night being very attentive to that part of the play where the king commands Wolsey to write circular letters of indemnity into every part of the country, where the pay- ment of certain taxes had been disputed, and remarking the manner in which the minister artfully communicated these commands to his secretary Cromwell, whispering thus : — ' Let there be letters writ to every shire Of the lying's grace and pardon : the grieved Commons Hardly conceive of me. Let it be noised, That through our intercession this revokement And pardon comes — ' The king could not help smiling at the craft of the minister, in filching from his master the merit of the good action, though he himself had been the author of the evil complained of; and, turning to the Prince of Wales, (afterwards George II.) he said, " You see, George, a min- humourist's own book. 237 ister will be a minister in every age and in every reign." Richard Cromwell. When, in 1650, Richard Cromwell succeeded his father Oliver in the protectorship, he re- ceived addresses from all parties in the king- dom, filled with the most extravagant profess- ions of standing by him with their lives and fortunes, at the very moment that they were plotting his destruction. Richard was not quite so blind to all this as the world imagined ; for after seven months' mock government, as he was giving orders for the removal of his own furniture from Whitehall, he observed with what little ceremony they treated an old trunk, and begged of them to move it more carefully, "Because," added he, "it contains the lives and fortunes of all the good people of England." Dr South. Dr South begins a sermon on this text, ' The wages of sin is death,' as follows : — '• Poor wa- ges indeed, that a man can't live by." Severe Retort. Soon after Lord Sidney's elevation to the peerage, he happened to observe in company, that authors were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. " That," said a gentleman present, " is an error from which even kings appear not to be exempt." 238 humourist's own book. M's Well. The Captain of a privateer writing' to his owners an account of an engagement, felicitated them on the general safety of his crew, having liad only one of his hands shot through the nose. Eccentric Recommendation. Swift once gave a gentleman of very good character and fortune, a letter of recommenda- tion to Pope, couched in the following terms : — " Dear Pope, though the little fellow that brings this, be a justice of peace, and a member of our Irish house of commons, yet he may not be al- together unworthy of your acquaintance. Holiday. A gentleman, seeing the town-crier of Bris- tol one market-day standing unemployed, asked him the reason. '' O," repUed he, " I can't cry to-day, my wife is dead." Tlie Blood of Cromwell. A grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, who was remarkable for her vivacity and humour, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gen- tleman, who had taken great offence at some sarcastic remarks she had made, rudely said, to insult her, " I think, madam, you would hardly give yourself so many airs, had you recollected that your grandfather was hanged." To which she instantly replied, " Yes, sir ; but please to humourist's own book. 239 recollect, he was not hanged till after he was dead." Charles II. and Rochester. King Charles II. being at bowls, and having laid a bowl very near the jack, cried out, '• My soul to a horse hair, nobody beats that." '^ Lay odds," says Rochester, " and I'll take you." Dreadful Ghost Story. Communicated to the Editor of the United States Gazette. Mr Chandler— Little did 1 think when I last addressed you, that it. would so soon be my pain- ful duty to acquaint you with one of the most shocking occurrences ever recorded in the his- tory of events. My flesh yet creeps, and the blood yet curdles at my heart, as I recall the terrible scene. As I was sitting, last evening, in social conversation with a circle of friends, one of the family, who had been absent an hour or more, came in, and after joining in the most rational and cheerful manner in our chat for a short time, he rose, and pleading fatigue, bade us good night. — Scarcely an instant had elapsed, before we heard a noise, like the tramp- ling of ten horsemen on the stairs, — the door burst open, and our terrified friend .Col. G. rushed into the room. The candle fell from the candlestick, which remained firm in his grasp — his hair stood wildly out — his eyes distended to a hideous size, and his pallid lips quivered with excessive emotion. We all started to our feet, and when we could command utterance, asked 240 humourist's own book. with one voice the cause of his intense agita- tion ; the cold sweat ran in torrents down his forehead and cheeks, and his contracted mouth seemed scarcely able to move the rigid muscles as he asked — " Who is in my bed ?" " In your bed," exclaimed my respected aunt with a look of dignity, — " no one— have not you been too high up and got into the servant's room ?" " No no!" with emphasis, " there is a man in my bed." " Oh!" said I, " it is some drunken fellow who has got in by mistake." " Why Col." said S. B. "you look awfully frightened" — *' If you had Been what I did, you would have been fright- ened too" — was the answer, in a deep sepulchral tone broken with agony. ^' Good Heavens!" said Dr M. " what does it look like?" It is a most ^or-ri-ble sight !" said Col. G. with each syllable frightfully distinct. He then proceeded with something more of calmness, " It is a tremend- ous man, with the countenance of a^end — livid complexion like death — hollow cheeks and glar- ing fiery eyes — I spoke; but he made no answer, only opening his eyes wider and wider, and fixing them on mine, while sparks seemed to issue from their brightness." We all shuddered at the hor- rible picture, and after some hurried exclama- tions of suspense and horror, we agreed to divide forces. My aunt and I were to stay in the parlour, to protect the lower story — a lady guest of strong nerves, was to remain with two sleeping children, and their mother, on the sec- ond floor — and the three gentlemen were to pro- ceed to the scene of action, to rout the terrible intruder. But a sound as of an army with ban- ners, came down the stairway ; and, tumbling head over heels, the champions re-appeared in humourist's own book. 241 a miraculously short time — reporting the ap- pearance of the intruder with tenfold additional horrors. '' He has black mustachios — he has crawled up there and is dying — he has not got any legs !" exclaimed S. B. '• Let us call the watch," said Col. G. — But as he spoke, in came a fourth, one of the efficient members of the family — to whom, in few words, the facts were related. They then concluded, after much de- bate, that having now four able-bodied men, and three fearless women, they would not call the guardian of the night, until it should appear necessary. Thus re-inforced they again mount- ed, in close file, and marched a second time to the door of the haunted room. After some dis- pute about the etiquette of precedence, it was allowed, that as the affair was entirely Col. G.'s, common politeness gave him the post of honour —in the van — and he entered, holding the light in one hand, and the door in the other, and in a voice of admirable firmness and dignity, said ^^ Holla, friend!"' Thus encouraged, J. F. W. exclaimed, " Get out of that !" '* You have got to go down faster than you came up," added S. B. — Still the fearful visage glared fearfully on them, but was silent. At last, with one almost superhuman effort, J. F. W, (after seeing that the path to the stairs was unobstructed) wound himself up to a sublime pitch of moral courage — leaned forward a.nd turned dozen the bedclothes! Awful moment! The giant head, with slow and gradual motion, rolled to the edge of the bed — balanced — and/e/Z .' .' .' — It was a wooden head of Escidapius ! ! ! C. A. S. P. S. TJie parties are all as well as could be expected ; it is hoped that the health, and even 242 humourist's own book. the shattered intellects of our friend Col. G. may, with good care, be restored — and he may yet live to be a blessing to a large circle of friends, which he adorns : and to defend the lib- erties of his country with his valiant arm, when- ever she shall need that defence. Dunning Extraordinary. A tradesman pressing a gentleman very much for payment of his bill, the latter said, " You need not be in so great a hurry, I am not going to runaway." '* I do not imagine you are, sir," returned the tradesman, " but 1 am." James II. and Waller. King James II. having a wish to converse with Waller, the poet, sent for him one after- noon, and took him into his closet, where was a very fine picture of the Princess of Orange. The king asked him his opinion of the picture, on which Waller said, he thought it extremely like the greatest woman that ever lived in the world. " Whom do you call so?" said the king, "Queen Elizabeth," replied the other. *' I wonder, Mr Waller," said the king, " that you should think so; for she owed all her greatness to her council, and that indeed, it must be ad- mitted, was a wise one." ''Andprav, sir," said Waller, " did your majesty ever know a fool choose a wise council?" Dr Johnson. When Dr Johnson vibited the University of HCMOCKISTS OWS BOOS. 243 St Andrew's, he took occasion to inquire of «iie of the professors into the state of tJieir funds, and bein^ told that they were not so affluent as many of their neighbours, '' No matter," said tlie doctor drily ; perserere in the plan you have formed, and you will get rich hf degrees.^' Mardk ^Politetuss. Complaisance is no longer confined to the poHte circles. A captain r you." ** Let there be lights" was commanded befi»re we were ushered into this breathing world and light there was. So it was at aceHain ball giren lately by * gas light,' at a certain fiishion- able hotel, ** Miss ," said a gentleman, *' allow me to introduce to your acquaintance, Mr : ' ' but sudden darkness eame OTer the hall. The music stopped — all hvA one solitary fiddler, who, by the particulaT request oim, wr lady, struck up, " Where is my loyer, or where has Iw gone." No one dared to move. The manager bid some one strike upon the bell; but nmo could tell where the beU was to be fbuad ? Silence was commanded, and the mas- ter of the dance exelauned i»«eteat(»ian fwce, '* Girc mebutJ4^l,andAjaxask9nonMHe.'" It had the desired eSx-t — A»ajt bad Ii^ht. and the ball went on. 244 humourist's own book. Hackney Coachman. A hackney coachman, after putting up his horses in the evening, took out the money he had received during the day, in order to make a division between his master and himself. " There," said he, " is one shilling for master, and one for me ;" and so on alternately till an odd shilling remained. Here he hesitated be- tween conscience and self-interest, when the master, who happened to be a concealed spec- tator, said, " I think, Thomas, you may allow me the odd shilling, as I keep the horses." JVb Reason to Remove. A gentleman dined one day with a dull preacher. Dinner was scarcely over, before the gentleman fell asleep, but was awakened by the divine, and invited to go and hear him preach. " I beseech you, sir," said he, " to excuse me ; I can sleep very well where I am." Exclusive Phimher. Holroyd, king's plumber, stood in the pit of the theatre ,at the time that Hatfield fired at King George HI., and it was reported, that by his lifting up the assassin's arm at the moment he was firing, the pistol was raised, so that the ball went higher than the box his majesty was seated in. Some one observed, that " This was a very loyal thing in the plumber." "Why, yes," replied a gentleman present, " it looks like it; but the motive might possibly be sel- fish ; it perhaps arose from Ilolroyd not chocs- humourist's own book. 245 ing that any one should serve the king with lead except himself." Charles II. As James II,, when duke of York, returned one morning from hunting, he found his bro- ther Charles in Hyde Park without any attend- ants, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke expressed his surprise at his majesty's venturing alone in so public a place, at so dan- gerous a period. '^ James," replied the monarch, " take care of yourself, and I am safe. No man in England will kill we to make you king." Psalms. In the olden times, when it was a custom in many parts of New England to sing the psalms and hymns by ' deaconing' them, as it was called, that was, by the deacon's reading each line previous to its being sung ; one of these church dignitaries rose and after looking at his book some time, and making several attempts to spell the words, apologized for the difficulty he experienced in reading, by observing, " My eyes indeed are very blind." The choir, who had been impatiently waiting for a whole line, thinking this to be the first of a common metre hymn, immediately sang it. The good deacon exclaimed, with emphasis, " I cannot see at all." This, of course, they also sung, when the aston- ished pillar of the church cried out, " I really b'lieve you are bewitched I" a4b HTTMOURIST S OWN BOOK. Response by the choir, " I really b'lieve you are bewitched." — Deacon : " The deuce is in you all !" The choir finished the verse by echoing the last line and the deacon sat down in despair. Foote. Foote, having been invited to dine with the duke of Leinster, at Dublin, gave the following account of his entertainment: — '*As to the splendour, as far as it went, I admit it, there was a very fine sideboard of plate ; and if a man could have swallowed a silversmith's shop, there was enough to satisfy him; but as to all the rest, his mutton was white, his veal was red, the fish was kept too long, the venison not kept long enough : to sum up all, every thing was cold, except his ice; every thing sour, ex- cept his vinegar." RefoTTnation. A gentleman, remarking that this age was infinitely more dissipated and licentious than that which preceded it, an old ofHcer took upon himself the task of defending it. " Sir," says he, " I grant we get drunk as completely as our fathers ; but this I will say, that I have not seen a wig burnt these forty years." Invisible and Incomprehensible. A preacher, whose sermons were beyond hu- man understanding, was wont on Saturday to keep unseen by any one, in order to compose humourist's own book. 247 sublime discourses for next day ; on which a wit observed, that the doctor was invisible on Satur- day in order that he might be incomprehensible on Sunday. Erskine and Jekyll. Mr Erskine one morning complained to Mr Jekyll of a pain in his bowels. " I could re- commend one remedy," said the latter; "but I am afraid you will not find it easy to get at it." "What is it?" eagerly rejoined Mr Erskine. " Get made attornej'^-general, and then you will have no bowels at all." hish Circumlocution. Observing one day an unusual commotion in the streets of Derry, I inquired of a bystander the reason ; and he, with a mellifluous brogue, replied in the following metaphorical manner : — " The rason, sir, why you see that justice and little Larry O'Hone, the carpenter, have been putting up a picture frame, at the end of the strate yonder, and they are going to hang one of Adam's copies in it." — "What's that? — Why, poor Murdock O'Donnel." " Oh, there's a man to be hung ? — Do they put up a gallows for any other purpose ? " What is his offence ? — " No offence, your honour, it was only a lib- erty he took." " Well, what was the liberty ?" " Whyyou see, sir, poor Murdock was in delicate health, and his physician advised that he should take exercise on horseback ! and so, having no horse of his own, he borrowed one from Squire Doyle's paddock ! and no sooner was he on its 248 humourist's own book. shoulders, than the Devil put it into the creach- er's head to go over to Kellogreen cattle fair, where he had a good many acquaintances, and when he got there Murdock spied a friend at the door of a shebeen house, and left the ani- mal grazing outside, whilst he went in to have a thimbleful of whiskey ; and then you see they got frisky, and had another, and another, till poor Murdock went to sleep on the binch ; and when he woke up, he found the creacher gone, and his poket stuffed full with a big lump of money." " In short," said I, " you mean to say he has been horse stealing ?" — " Why, sir," he replied, stammering and scratching his head, " they call it so in England." Good Reason. A certain secretary of state, being asked by an intimate friend, why he did not promote merit, aptly replied, "Because merit did not promote me." Johnson and Boswcll. Dr Johnson and Boswell, being at Bristol, were by no means pleased with their inn. *' Let us now see," said Boswell, " how we should describe it." Johnson was ready with his raillery. *' Describe it, sir ! why, it was so bad — so very bad, that Boswell wished to be in Scotland." Insurance. In a storm at sea, when the sailors were all at prayers, expecting every moment to go to humourist's own book. 249 the bottom, a passenger appeared quite uncon- cerned. The captain asked him how he could be so much at his ease in this awful situation. " Sir," says the passenger, *' my life 's insured." Boswell and Johnson. Boswell observing to Johnson that there was no instance of a beggar dying for want in the streets of Scotland, " I believe, sir, you are very right," saj^s Johnson; " but this does not arise from the \vant of beggars, but the impossi- bility of starving a Scotchman." Either Way. '• Will you have me?" said a young man to a modest httle girl, " No, John," said she, " but you may have me, if you will." Co7ijuror and no Conjuror. A fellow, who went about the country play- ing slight of hand tricks, was apprehended and carriecTbefore the sapient mayor of a town, who immediately ordered him to be committed to prison. " For what?" said the fellow. " Why, sirrah, the people say you are a conjuror !" '' Will your worship give me leave to tell you what the people say of you?" " Of me ? what dare they say of me, fellow ?" '• They say you are no conjuror," Benevolence of George III. When Lord North introduced Dr Robertson to the king, his majesty made many inquiries 250 HUMOURIST*S OWN BOOK. concerning the medical professors of Edinburgh, and the state of the college, of which the doc- tor was principal. Being thus taken upon his own ground, the historian expatiated at large with gravity and decorum on the merits of the Edinburgh College ; mentioned the various branches of learning which were taught in it, the number of students that flocked to it from all quarters of the world; and, in reply to his majesty's particular inquiries concerning it as a school of physic, he observed, that no college could boast of conferring the degree of physic on so many gentlemen as that of Edinburgh ; for it annually sent out more than forty physi- cians, besides vast quantities of those who exer- cised the lower functions of the faculty, as surgeons, apothecaries, &c. "Heaven," ex- claimed the king, interrupting the doctor, " Heaven have mercy on my poor subjects 1" Sir John Millicent. One asked Sir John Millicent, a man of wit, how he did to conform to the grave justices his brethren, when they met. " Indeed," answer- ed he, *' I have no other way to do, than to drink myself down to the capacity of the bench." The Fishmonger. A gentleman cheapening fish at a stall, and being asked what he thought an unconscionable price, exclaimed, — "Do you suppose I pick up my money in the street.?" " No, sir," replied the vendor, " hut J do." humourist's own book. 251 Reasonable Fear. " I am afraid of the lightning," murmured a pretty woman, during a thunder storm. " Well you may be," sighed a despairing adorer, " when your heart is steel." Tlie Blessings of Trial by Jury. A juryman, not so pliant as many, was re- peatedly singular in his opinion, but so deter- mined as always to bring over the other eleven. The judge asked him once, how he came to be so fastidious? " My lord," said he, " no man is more open to conviction than I am ; but I have not met with the same pliancy in others ; for it has generally been my lot to be on a jury with eleven obstinate men." The Brewer. A brewer was drowned in his own vat. Mr Jekyll, being informed of the circumstance, said, that the verdict of the jury should be, — •* Found floating on his watery bier.'" Lord Shaftesbury. The history of this nobleman, in the Bio^ra- phia Briiannica, is a mere panegyric on him. A bon mot of himself conveys the truest idea of his character. Charles the Second said to him one day, " Shaftesbury, I believe thou art the wickedest fellow in my dominions." He bowed and replied, " Of a subject, sir, I believe I am." 252 humourist's own book. Slave Trade. Sir John Doyle being told in the house of commons, by those interested in keeping up the slave trade, that the slaves were happy, he said, it reminded him of a man whom he hffl once seen in a warren, sewing up the mouth of a ferret : he remonstrated with the man upon the cruelty of the act, but he answered, — *' Lord, sir, the ferret likes it above all things." Good Repartee. A gentleman, says a late London paper, walking past Westminster bridge, inquired how the bridge answered. The reply was ready and witty — " If youll step to the gate you'll be tolVd. Kcio Way to Pay Old Dchts. A fire happening at ,a public house, a man, passing at the time, entreated one of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman consequently complied, upon which the arch rogue exclaimed, — *' You've done what I never could do : for, egad, you've liquidated my score !" J5r?/ ising Ma tch. A provincial paper, giving an account of a bruising match between two men of the names of Ilili and Potter, concluded by saying, — " That after sixteen rounds, Hill beat his an- tagonist holloio." humourist's own book. 253 Smart Report. Lord B wore his whiskers extremely large. Curran meeting him, " Pray, my lord," said he, " when do you intend to reduce your mJiiskers to the peace esttihUshment?'" When you, Mr Curran," said his lordship, *' put your tongue upon theciriZ list.'' The Rising Generation. A methodist parson observed, in one of his discourses, that '• such was the change in the public manners of the nation, that the rising generation rarely lie down till three o'clock in the morninrr." Orthography. The following correspondence occurred lately : — • Mr P.'s compliments to Mr Q., and thinks it unnecessary his piggs should go tlirough his ground.' Whereupon Mr Q. replied thus ; ' Mr Q.'s compliments to Mr P., and thinks it unnecessary to spell pigs with two gees.' Tlie Miser's Advice. The following advice was left by a miser to his nephew : ' Buy your coals in summer ; your furniture at auctions, about a fortnight after quarter-day ; and your books at the full of the leaf' 254 humourist's own book. Advertisement. Some years ago, there appeared in the Eng- lish papers an advertisement, which much re- sembles our notions of an Irish bull, in these words, which are the title to the adver- tisement : — ' Every man his own washer-wO' man!' The Worst of all Crimes. An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge ? answered, — " I have done still worse — 1 suffer- ed myself to be apprehended." Welsh Tourists. A Welsh tourist, among many oiher judicious observations, remarked, that the mad-howBQ of Lanark was in a very crazy state. Charity known by its Fruits. An ill natured cynic said that the charity of a beneficent neighbour was induced by a wish to be extolled. " Aye, sir," said the object of the charity, '' if we see the hands of the clock go right, we are very sure that the mechanism inside cannot be going very wrong." Selden. When the learned John Selden was a mem- ber of the assembly of divines at Wesminster, HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. liOO who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged in determin- ing the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho ; and oneof tliem, to prove it could not be great, observed, " Thoit Jish were carried from one place to the other." On which Selden ob- served, " Perhaps it was salt fish }" which again threw the assembly into doubt. Trade. A gentleman passing Milford churchyard, a few days since, observing the sexton digging a grave, addressed him with — " Well, how goes trade in your line, friend .'"' " Very dead, sir !" was the reply. Sensibility. A lady who had pretensions to the most re- fined feelings, went to her butcher, to remon- strate with him on his cruel practices. " How," said she, " can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little Iambs to death .^" "Why not, madam?" said the butcher; "you wouldn't eat them alive, would you?" Gratifijing Reflection. An English baronet, being asked when he should finish his house, ingenuously answered, *' Sir, it is a question whether I shall finish my house, or my house finish me." 256 humourist's ow?? book. Lord Clonmel. The late Lord Clonmelj who never thought of demanding more than a shilling for an affida- vit, used to be well satisfied provided it was a good one. In his time the Birmingham shil- lings were current, and he used the following extraordinary precaution to avoid being im- posed upon by taking a bad one : — " You shall true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you God. Is this a good shilling ? Are the contents of this affidavit true ? Is this your name and hand writing ? " Alderman Wood. A certain alderman, when young, was thought clever at carving figures from icood. He was asked from whence he copied them.'* "No where," said the worthy dignitary; "I made 'cm all out of my own head." Thus Pallas sprang from brains of Jove. Mathematical Wind. One morning, after a tempestuous night, dur- ing which several trees were rooted up. Dr. Vince, of Cambridge, met a friend, who said, " Good morning, doctor ; a terrible wind this !" " Yes, sir," replied the doctor, smiling ; ''quite a mathematical wind, for I see it has extracted several roots l'' humouuist's own book. 257 Bon Mot of George IV. The late king, when prince of Wales, attend- ing Lewes races, one day, when a drenching rain kept away the greater part of the expected attendants, on its being observed how few of the nobility had been upon the course, " I beg pardon," said the prince; " I think I saw a very handsome sprinkling of the nobility." Welsh Gentility. When James I. was on the road near Chester he was met by such numbers of the Welsh, who came out of curiosity to see him, that, the weather being dry, and the roads dusty, he was nearly suffocated. He was completely at a loss in what manner to get rid of them civilly; at last one of his attendants, putting his head out of the coach, said, "It is his majesty's pleasure that those who are the best gentlemen shall ride forwards." Away scampered the Welsh, and but one solitary man was left behind. " And so sir," says the king to him, " you are not a gentleman then .? " "O yes, and please your majesty, hur is as good a shentleman as the rest; but hur ceffyl (horse), God help hur, is not so good." Bigger than London. A Scotchman, anxious, as usual, to exalt the honour of his native land, asserted that London was by no means the biggest town in Britain. " It's a big place, I'll allow, mon, but in my 268 humourist's own book. over with earth to hide your bad work." "Doctor," said the pavior, " mine is aot the only bad work the earth hides." " You dog, you," said the doctor, " are you a wit.? You must be poor; come in and be paid." Lord Sandwich. Lord Sandwich, a member of that administra- tion which carried on the American war, though a dignified looking nobleman in dress, was so ungainly a walker in the street, that on a gen- tleman of his acquaintance expressing a doubt whether an individual at a distance was his lord- ship or not, another is said to have remarked, " Oh yes, I am sure it is Lord Sandwich: for, if you observe, he is walking down both sides of the street at once." His lordship used to relate of himself, that, having once taken lessons in dancing at Paris, he asked the professor, at the conclusion, if he could do him any favour in his own country; to which the man replied, bowing, " I should take it as a particular favour, if your lordship would never tell any one of whom you learned to dance." Old Bailey Wit. A man was tried for stealing a pair of boots from a shop- door in Holborn, with which he ran away. Jud^e, to shocmnker, roho had pursued and seized the jjrisoncr — " Wliat did he say when you caught him ?" Witness — " My lord, he said he took the boots in joke." Judge — "And, pray, how far was ho off when you caught him.?" Witness — " About forty yards, please your lord* HUftlOURIST's OWN BOOK. 269 ship." Judge — " I am afraid this is carrying the joke too far ;" and he condemned the pris- oner. Valuable Evidence. In a case of assault, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshircman ! " Did you see the defendant throw the stone ?" "I saw a stone, and Fze pretty sure the defendant throwed it." "Was it a largo stone?" "I should say it wur a largish stone." " What was its size ?" " I should say a sizeable stone." " Can't you answer definitively how big it was?" " I should say it wur a stone of some bigness." " Can't you compare it to some other object ?" " Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump of chalk." A Good Understanding. The following anecdote is related in the John Bull, an English publication : — " A simple fel- low in the country being informed that the Cabinet were united, and that there was o.good nndcrstanding bcticccn Lord Grey, Lord Althorp, Lord Durham, and Sir Jas. Graham, said that he was glad to hear even that — but in these times he thought it would be better if they had a good understanding a piece ! Waterloo Medal. A Frenchman sneered at a British soldier for 260 humourist's own book. Go to Brighton. A poor valetudinarian was recommended to take a change of air for the benefit of his health. " Go to Brighton," said the medical man ; " the air of Brighton is very good for pectoral com- plaints." " But very had for pocket complaints, is it not, doctor.?" replied the invalid. Out of Place. When the beau-monde held their coteries, and pitched tents, upon the leads of the houses, it was referred to a person, who, not approving of it, said that it was making too great an en- croachment upon the cats. Curtailed. A strapping fellow told a diminutive man, that he was "curtailed of man's fair proportion." " If you will just step out on the green," said the little one, " you shall find that I am not cur- heartcd, although lam cur-tailed." A Good Mote. Sheridan being on a parliamentary commit- tee, one day entered the room as all the mem- bers were seated, and ready to commence busi- ness ; perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said, '' Will any gentleman move that I may take the chair f humourist's own book. 261 Quizzical hut not Quizzahh. As a party of youn^ men from the city were riding a few days since through Cambridge, in New-England, being somewhat vinous, they amused themselves with ' tricks upon travellers;' speering at them odd questions and laughing at their queer answers. The sport went on merrily until one of them asked a sober citizen, if he would " have the goodness to inform him in what State they were.^" — '' State of intoxication" was the ready reply of the interrogated. The young men's heads bent to the saddle bows. They rode on, satisfied for the present, that there was no fun in quizzing. Fashionable Dinner Hour. Some one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later. " Ay," quoth Sam Rogers, " it will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow." Lord Erskine. At a trial about an engraving, where several distinguished artists were summoned to givo evidence. Lord (then Mr) Erskine, after flour- ishing away, made an attempt to puzzle Mr Stothard, by drawing two angles on a piece of paper, an acute and an obtuse one, and asking, " Do you mean to say these two are alike .''" '' Yes, I do," was the answer. " I see," said Erskine, turning round, " there is nothing to be got by angling here." HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. Smart Repartee. An officer in the army, being entertained at a gentleman's table while he was in Scotland, happened to commend very highly a dish of fish. A rigid parson of the kirk, looking upon him as a reprobate for being pleased with his dinner, said, " While you pamper the flesh, sir, I hope you do not starve the inward man ; the soul is not fed at the mouth, and you ought not to lust after the food that perisheth." The officer was somewhat surprised at this sermon in miniature; but perceiving that his monitor was, like sir John Falstaff, hugely waisted, he replied, with a smile, fixing his eyes full upon the preacher's protuberant person, "I will be admonished by your example, for I see plainly by your taber- nacle, that your food does not perish." He then proceeded to exercise his knife and fork with additional vigour, as the plump kirk-man encouraged him by his actions not to pay any regard to his words. The Infernal Machine. The infernal machine exploded in the streets of Paris after Bonaparte's carriage had passed, but before Josephine's came up; which being the subject of conversation in a miscellaneous company in England, some one asked what they were talking of. *' Nothing material," an- swered a wit; "only a hloio up between the First Consul and hia wife." humourist's own book. 263^ Anecdote from Corinne. It was announced at Bologna, that an eclipse of the sun would take place at a certain hour ; and before the specified time, the people assem- bled in crowds at the public places to see it. Being impatient at the delay, they called loudly for its approach, as for an actor who had caused them to av/ait his coming on the stage. At length the expected moment arrived — but the day, which was cloudy, preventing a very strik- ing eiFcct — the multitude, finding the sight did not answer their idea of it, began loudly to hiss ! Attention. A gentlemTjn of Cork ordered his man to call him up at six o'clock ; but he awaked him at four. Being asked the reason, he replied, "He came to tell him he had two hours longer to sleep," j3 Friendly Wish. Two Irishmen one day meeting ; " I am very ill, Pat," said one, rubbing his head. <' Then," replied the other, " I hope you may keep so— for fear of being worse." Conjectural Knoicledge. The following brief, but pithy dialogue oc- curred on the Epsom road between a Cockney and a countryman : — Cockney. I say, Bill, my good fellow, vichis the way to Epsom? 264 humourist's own book. Countryman. How did you know that my name was Bill ? Cockney. Vy, I guessed it. Countryman. But how did you know that I was a good fellow ? Cockney. Vy, I guessed it. Countryman. Then guess the w^ay to Ep- som. Proof. A woman, suspected of having given poison to her husband, was apprehended by the con- stable. The man certainly looked very ill ; yet, as there was no direct proof, and as, above all things, he had not died, there was still some probability in her favour. Mr Constable was sadly puzzled between the pro and con ; and was at last fairly driven from the field by the following appeal from the weeping lady : — " I never gave him any thing to hurt him ; only open him ; and you will see how false it is !' James the Second's Single Good Tiling. There is but one instance on record of James II. uttering an expression of wit or humour ; and, strange to say, that would appear to have been expressed from him by the weight of his sorrows at the Revolution. During the advance of the prince of Orange towards London, as, morning after morning, some loading man or other was found to have left the king's camp during the night, and gone over to the libera- tor, the prince of Denmark used to exclaim, as each successive instance was related to his ma- humourist's own book. 265 jesty, " Est il possible ?" (Is it possible ?) as^ if he could not believe there was so much trea-' chery in human nature. At length, the good prince of Denmark found it necessary, with his wife Anne, to follow the example of those well principled persons -. James remarked, when told of it in the morning, " What! is Est-il-possible gone too ?" Female Courage. With respect to courage, the author of ' L'Ap- ologie de beau sexe,' relates a story, which, if true, has seldom been equalled by man. A servant girl of Lisle, remarkable for her fearless disposition, laid a wager that she would go into a charnel-house at midnight, with a light, and bring from thence a dead man's skull. Accord- ingly at the appointed time she went ; but the person with whom she made the bet, intending to terrify her, had gone before, and hid himself in the place. When he heard her descend and take up the skull, he called out in a hollow dis- mal voice, "Leave me my head !" 'The girl, instead of discovering any symptoms of horror or fright, very coolly- laid it down and said, " Well, there it is then," and took up another : upon which the voice repeated, "Leave me my head !" But the heroic girl, observing it was the same voice that had called before, answered in her country dialect, — " Nae, nae, friend, yo canna ha' twa heads !" Dr Friend. Dr Friend, coming homo, after having got 266 HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. himself highly praised at a dinner party, was called out to see a lady taken dangerously ill. With some difficulty he went, or rather was led, to the bedside of the patient; where, holding fast by a bed-post with one hand, he seized with the other the lady's wrist ; but all attempts to note the pulsations were vain, and he could only mumble out, "Drunk, by Jove! Drunk!" " Oh, madam," cried the waiting-maid, as soon as the physician was gone, " what a wonderful man ! How soon he discovered what was the matter with you !" Sir Richard Jebb. This eminent physician was a man of impa- tient, irritable temper, and, when bored with the querulous complaints of some of his patients, could hardly ever force himself to return a civil answer. Sometimes his irritability led him to explode in a furious anathema, mingled with horrible oaths ; sometimes he assumed a tone of quiet but severe sarcasm. A trouble- some patient, who only fancied himself ill, pes- tered him one day with inquiries as to what he should eat. " My directions on that point," said sir Richard, " will be few, and simple : you must not eat the shovel, poker or tongs, for they are hard of digestion ; nor the bellows, for they are windy; but any thing else you please !" Best Upper Leather. The following sound advice occurs in an al- manac : — ' If you wish to have a shoo of dura- humourist's own book. 267 ble materials, you should make the upper lea- ther of the mouth of a hard-drinker > for that never lets in water.' Dccdalus. A fellow once brought a vast number of peo- ple together in London, by giving out, that on a certain day, he would fly over Westminster Hall in the manner of Icarus. Oneof the crowd, waiting for this sight on Westminister Bridge, inquired of a neighbour, " Pray, who was Ica- rus ?" to which the reply was, "The son of Diddle-us, I believe." Jtn Anonymous Letter. An affectation of knowledge is always worse than an acknowledgement of actual ignorance. A person lately called on a friend to complain of a letter which he had received, containing matter by no means complimentary. " Do you know zcho has addressed this letter to you.?" said his friend. " No," was the answer. " Then it was anonymous, I suppose." *' Yes, "replied the insulted party, with the most imperturbable gravity, " very anonymous indeed, I assure you." Dr Radcliffe. Dr Radcliffe was avaricious, and would ne- ver pay his bills without much importunity. A pavior, af\er many fruitless attempts, caught him as he was going out in his chariot. " Why, you rascal," said the doctor, " do you pretend to be paid for such a piece of work .? Why, you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it 268 humourist's own book. over with earth to hide your bad work." " Doctor/' said the pavior, " mine is aot the only bad work the earth hides." " You dog, you," said the doctor, " are you a wit.-" You must be poor; come in and be paid." Lord Sandwich. Lord Sandwich, a member of that administra- tion which carried on the American war, though a dignified looking nobleman in dress, was so ungainly a walker in the street, that on a gen- tleman of his acquaintance expressing a doubt whether an individual at a distance was his lord- ship or not, another is said to have remarked, " Oh yes, I am sure it is Lord Sandwich: for, if you observe, he is walking down both sides of the street at once." His lordship used to relate of himself, that, having once taken lessons in dancing at Paris, he asked the professor, at the conclusion, if he could do him any favour in his own country; to which the man replied, bowing, '* I should take it as a particular favour, if your lordship would never tell any one of whom you learned to dance." Old Bailey Wit. A man was tried for stealing a pair of boots from a shop- door in Holborn, with which he ran away. Judge, to shoemaker, who had pursued and seized the prisoner — " What did he say when you caught him ?" Witness — " My lord, he said he took the boots in joke." Judge — "And, pray, how far was he off when you caught him.?" Witness — " About forty yards, please your lord* humourist's own book. 269 ship." Judge — " I am afraid this is carrying the joke too far;" and he condemned the pris- oner. Valuable Evidence. In a case of assault, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman ! " Did you see the defendant throw the stone ?" "I saw a stone, and I'ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it." "Was it a large stone?" "I should say it wur a largish stone." " What was its size ?" " I should say a sizeable stone." " Can't you answer definitively how big it was?" " I should say it wur a stone of some bigness." " Can't you compare it to some other object ?" " Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump of chalk." A Good Understanding. The following anecdote is related in the John Bull, an English publication : — " A simple fel- low in the country being informed that the Cabinet were united, and that there was a.good understanding heticcen Lord Grey, Lord Althorp, Lord Durham, and Sir Jas. Graham, said that he was glad to hear even that — but in these times he thought it would be better if they had a good understanding a piece ! Waterloo Medal. A Frenchman sneered at a British soldier for 270 humourist's own book. wearing a Waterloo medal, a thing which did not cost the English government three francs. " It may have cost the English government only three francs," said the soldier; "but it cost the French a JVapoleon besides." Bold Reply. James the Second, who so seldom said a good thing, one day said a very ill-bred one. He de- clared, in the midst of his courtiers, that " he had never known a modest man make his way at court." To this observation, one of the gen- tlemen present boldly replied, " And, please your majesty, whose fault is that ?" The king was struck, and remained silent. A Good Sort of Man. " Pray," said a lady to Foote, " what sort of man is Sir John D. ?" " Oh ! a very good sort of man." " But what do you call a good sort of man .?" " Why, madam, one who preserves all the exterior decencies of ignorance." Instinct of a Bird. A gentleman, the front of whose house was shaded by trees, used everyday to watch the ac- tions of a small bird whose nest he could easily distinguish among the foliage of a projecting branch. The young birds in process of time fledged their wings, and flew from branch to branch in imitation of their parent, until they left the tree and winged their flight fearlessly through the air. The mother frequently fol- humourist's own nooK. 271 lowed them in their flight, but generally re- mained near the tree, and endeavoured by every means to entice them back, but the young truants having found use of their pinions, soon left her, and nothing more was heard of them. What most surprised the gentleman was that the mother should still inhabit the tree, frequently alighting upon the ground and picking up worms or crumbs, which she bore to the nest. Day after day passed, and still her occupation was the same, and she seldom if ever went out of sight of the tree. At length curiosity prompted the gentleman to ascertain the cause of such strange conduct on the part of the bird. He accordingly had the nest taken down. It contained a bird fully feathered, which in vain essayed to fly from the place of its birth. On closer examina- tion, it was found that the leg of the little pris- oner was closely entangled in some horse-hair which lined the interior of the nest. When freed it was unable to fly, though its wings were perfectly fledged. Time at Royal Discretion. The great have always been flattered ; but never was adulation carried farther than on the part of a lady of honour to Queen Anne. The queen having asked her what the time was, " Whatever time it may please your majesty," was the reply. Unpleasant Compliment, Mr Pitt being in company with the late Duciiess of Gordon, who spoke theScotcli dia- 272 humourist's own book. lect in the broadest manner, she told him that some of her family had gone to France, and was asked by liim why she was not of tlie party. She said, in answer, " That it was very awk- ward to be in a country, and not know the lan- guage." '' Why," said Mr Pitt, " your grace has not found any such inconvenience in Eng- land." Paint. The old duchess of Bedford, if born, as she herself once declared, .before nerves came in fashion, had not at least been born before it was fashionable to paint. Her grace was, in- deed, notoriously addicted to rouge, which she used in uncommon quantities. Lord North one day asked George III. when his majesty had seen the old lady ? The king replied, " He had not seen her face, nor had any other person, he believed, for more than twenty years." Condescension in Love. When Dr Johnson courted Mrs Porter, he told her he was of mean extraction ; had no mo- ney ; and had an uncle hanged ! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an equality with him, replied, that she had no more money than him- self ; and that, although she had not a relation hanged, she had fifty who deserved hanging. And thus was accomplished this singular amour. Intelligence of Birds. A gentleman, residing in Catskill, relates the humourist's own book. 273 following : — A son of his, in the early part of llie season, put up a cage in his garden, intended for the blue bird. Soon after it was completed, a pair of wrens paid it a visit, and being pleased with the tenement, took possession and com- menced building a nest. Before, however, the nest was completed, a pair of blue birds arrived, laid claim to the cage, and after a hard battle, succeeded in ousting the vv^rens, and forthwith completed the nest on a plan of their own. But the male wren was a bird of spirit, and not disposed to submit tamely to the injury. Some days after, watching his opportunity when his antagonist was away, he entered the cage, and commenced rolling the eggs out of the nest. He had thrown out but one, when the bluebird discovered him, and with loud cries, made an immediate attack. The wren sought safety in a neighbouring currant bush, and by his activity in dodging about among the branches and on the ground, succeeded in eluding his enraged adversary. The blue bird gave up the chase, and returned to examine the condition of his nest. The egg had luckily fallen on a soft bed, and was not broken. After a careful examina- tion, he took it in his claws and returned it safely to the nest. Veracity. A gentleman in company with Mr C. Bannis- ter, boasted that he had destroyed five hundred men with his own liands. " Sir," said Charles, " I have killed a few in my time also — let me see ; five at Madrid, ten at Lisbon, twenty at Pa- ris, thirty at Vienna, and double the number at s 274 humourist's own book. the Hague. At length, coming over from Calais to Dover, I had scarce disembarked, when a desperate fellow of an Irishman killed me." *' Killed you!" said Munchausen; "what do you mean by that?" "Sir," replied the wit, " I did not dispute your veracity, and why should you question mine.''" Take Advice. An old gentleman, who used to frequent the Chapter coffeehouse, being unwell, thought he might steal an opinion concerning his case ; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking Dr Buchan, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a com- plaint .? " I'll tell you," says the Doctor — " you should take advice.'' Difference hciivecn Literal and Literary. During the institution of a society in Liver- pool, for the purpose of literary improvement, a gentleman of strong body, but of slender wit, applied to be admitted a member ; " I think," said he to the president, " I must certainly be a vast acquisition to a society of this kind, as I am undoubtedly di great man, in the literal sense of the word?" "True," replied the other; " but I am afraid you are but a little man in the literary sense of the word." Pure English. The English ambassador demanded of Louis XIV. the liberation of the protestants who had humourist's own book. 275 been condemned to the galleys on account of their religion. '' What would the king of Great Britain say if I asked him to liberate the prison- ers in Newgate ?" " Sire," replied the ambass- ador, " The king, my master, would grant your majesty's request if you reclaimed them as your brethren." A Teacher. A teacher one day endeavouring to make a pupil understand the nature and application of the passive verb, said to him, '• A passive verb expresses the receivincr of an action, as, Peter is beaten ! now what did Peter do ?" The numskull paused a moment, and scratching his head by way of aiding thought, with the grav- est countenance imaginable, replied, '* Well I don't know, without he hollered .'" Proof of Sanity. Sir Theodore Mayerne, physician to king James I. and who made an immense sum by his practice, was once consulted by a friend, who laid two broad pieces of gold upon the ta- ble (six and thirties), and sir Theodore put them into his pocket. The friend was hurt at his pocketing such a fee ; but sir Theodore said to him, "I made my will this morning, and, if it should appear that I refused a fee, I might be deemed no7i compos." But ! In a case of assault, where an eminent brewer 27C humourist's own book. was concerned, the following ingenious argu- ment was stated in the pleadings to have been used by that individual : '* If there be any charge made against the beer, rehutt it." It was this clench in jest, which led to the assault in earnest ; so that neither your if nor your hut is a certain peacemaker. Legal Advice. '' Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, " will you tell me if this is a good seven shilling piece ?" The lawyer, pro- nouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with great gravity, " If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the four- pence." Competition of Wonders. Several gentlemen at a party contested the honour of having done the most extraordinary thing. A reverend DD. was appointed to be judge of their respective pretensions. One pro- duced his tailor's bill, with a receipt attached to it ; a cry went through the room, that this would not be outdone ; when a second proved that he had arrested his tailor for money lent to him. The palm is his, was the universal outcry; when a third observed, " Gentlemen, I cannot boast of the feats of either of my predecessors; but I have returned to the owners two umbrellas that they had left at my house." " I'll hear no more," cried the arbiter ; " this is the very ncphis ultra of honesty and unheard of deeds ; it is an act of humourist's own book. 277 virtue of which I never before knew any per- son capable : the prize is yours." Rats. " Dick, what are you about there ?" said a gentleman to his servant whom he saw loitering: about the barn. " Catching rats, sir !" " And how many rats have you caught ?" '' Why, sir, when I get the one I'm after now and another one, it will make two !" Lord Peterborough. The eccentric lord Peterborough, though one of the most brilliant of modern military charac- ters, was overshadowed by the duke of Marl- borough. On a temporary return from Spain, where he was commanding, he found all his projects, proposals and recommendations taken by the ministry ad referendum, which disgusted him so much, that he threw himself into a sedan chair to return home, and drawing the curtains all round, sat indulging his own mo- rose thoughts. As he was passing the streets, the populace took up an idea that he was the rival general, and gathered round crying, "God bless the duke of Marlborough ! God bless the duke of Marlborough !" " Gentlemen," said his lordship, pushing down one of the windows, " I am not the duke of Marlborough." O yes," said a spokesman of the multitude, " you are the duke of Marlborough : we know you well enough." " Gentlemen," said lord Peterbor- ough, *' I am not the duke of Marlborough. Let me down," he cried to the chairman. Got 278 humourist's own book. the duke of Marlborough, I tell you, and I will now give you two convincing proofs that I am not : one is, that I have but a single guinea," and he turned his pockets inside out : " the other is, that I give it you;" and he threw it among them. Bon Mot of George II. A heavy-heeled cavalry officer, at one of the balls, astounded the room by the peculiar im- pressiveness of his dancing, A circle of affright- ed ladies fluttered over to the prince, and in- quired by what possibility they could escape being trampled out of the world by this formi- dable performer. " Nothing can be done," said the prince, "since the war is over; then he might have been sent back to America, as a re- publication of the stamp act." Pulteney, Earl of Bath. Lord Bath passed for one of the wisest men in England. " When one is in opposition," was one of his sayings, " it is very easy to know what to say : but when one is minister, it is dif- ficult to know what not to say." Another of the Same. Lord Chancellor Loughborough told the Duke of Bridgewater, he never knew Lord Bath. "How?" said Bridgewater; " were you not a minister at the same time that he was a minis- ter.^" "Yes," was the reply, "personally; humourist's own book. 279 hut I used to go to bod before twelve, and Lord Bath never was himself (that is, in the full plen- itude of his faculties and gaiety) till after." Kegro Philosophy. John Canepole was a small pocket edition of humanity. He had a black servant who was a stout fellow ; and being a privileged joker, Sambo let no occassion pass unimproved, where he could rally his master upon his diminutive carcase. John was taken sick, and Sambo was sent for the doctor. The faithful negro loved his master, and upon the arrival of the physi- cian looked up in his face anxiously. Examin- ing the symptoms, the Doctor pronounced his patient in no danger. Reassured by this. Sambo's spirits returned, and he indulged his natural dis- position for drollery. "I tell you, Doctor, Massa Canepole will die, cause he got a fever !" " A fever, you black dog," said the patient, ''does a fever always kill a man?" "Yes massa, when a fever get into such a little man. it never hab room to turn in fever no turn, you die sartin !' Advantages of Loio Prices. A gentleman in one of the steam-packets asked the steward, when he came round to col- lect the passage money (of 6d. each, for the best cabin), if there was not some danger of be- ing blown up. The latter promptly replied, "No, sir, not the least; we cannot afford to blow up people at these low prices." HUMOURIST 3 OWN BOOK. Jacohitism. Lord Peterborough, about the time of the rev- olution of 1688, was anxious to obtain a fine singing canary from a coffeehouse keeper in London, his mistress having taken a fancy for it. Finding the people obstinately bent against selling it, he at last contrived to steal it, leav- ing a female one in its place. Some two years after, he ventured to say to the good woman of the house, that he supposed she would now take the money he formerly offered for the bird. ''Indeed, sir," answered she, '•' I would not; nor would I take any sum for him ; for, — would you believe it? — from the time that our good king was forced to go abroad and leave us, the dear creature has not suns a 7iote.'" A Terrible Thing Outterribled. A dull play-wright, about to read one of his compositions in the grQ&n room at Drury Lane, observed, that he knew nothing so terrible as reading a piece before such a critical audience. 'I know one thing more terrible," said Mrs Powell." " What can that be V asked the au- thor. " To be obliged to sit and hear it." Wreckers. The people at a certain part of the coast of Cornwall, where wrecks frequently happen, used to be so demoralized by the unrestrained f)lunder of the unfortunate vessels, that they ost almost every humane feeling. It is said, HUMOURIST*S OWN BOOK. 281 that even the clero^y sunk under the dominion of this species of selfishness, and were almost as bad as the people. One Sunday, the news of a wreck was promulgated to a congregation engaged in public worship ; and in an instant all were eagerly hurrying out at the door, to set off towards the spot. . The clergyman here- upon called, in a most emphatic voice, that he only desired to say five more words to them. They turned with impatient attention to hear him. He approached as if to address them ; when, having got to the front of the throng, "Now," says he, " let us start fair!" and off he ran, all the rest following him, towards the place where the wreck had happened, which, it is believed, he was the first to reach. Moderatio7i. The most confirmed drunkard we ever knew, was an old man in the land ' of pumpkins', who possessed the greatest possible abhorrence for anti-temperance. Having drank nine mugs of cider at a neighbour's house, one evening, he concluded to leave off a pure denial by ta- king another. — " I believe, neighbour T." says old Guzzlefunction, " that I'll take another glass of your cider. I Igve good cider as well as any body, but as for swilling it down as some people do, I never could-»" Sir Isaac J^ewton. All the world has heard of Sir Isaac roasting himself before a great fire, till informed of the possibility of escaping the fate he apprehended, 282 humourist's own book. by pushing back his chair. The story of his employing the finger of a lady whom he was courting, as a tobacco-stopper, is equally well known. Not so that which follows : — Dr Stuke- ly, one day, visiting Sir Isaac by appointment, was told by a servant that the philosopher was in his study. No one was permitted to disturb him there ; but as it was near dinner time, the visitor sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was brought in — a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, and Sir Isaac did not appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and, covering up the empty dish, bade the servant dress ano- ther for her master. Before that was ready, the great man came down ; he apologized for his delay, and added, " Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint." Saying this, he lifted the cover, and without any emotion, turned about to Stukely with a smile; " See," says he, " what we studious people are ; I for- got I had dined." Indirect Answer. A person employed by a sick gentleman to read to him, very soon evinced a great aptitude to stumble, whenever he came to any word not belonging to his mother tongue. Tired with this, at length, the sick man asked him if he really pretended to know any other language than his own. '' Why, really, sir," answered the unfortunate reader, " I cannot exactly say I do ; but I have a brother who is perfectly ac- quainted with French," humourist's own book. 283 John Bunyan. What are now denominated mince pics were formerly called Christmas pies. When John Bunyan, autlior of the Pilgrim's Progress, was in Shrewsbury, gaol for preaching and praying, a gentleman, who knew his abhorrence of any thing popish, and wished to play upon his pecu- liarity, one 25tli of December sent his servant to the poor puritan, and desired his acceptance of a large Christmas pie. John took little time to consider; but, seizing the pasty, desired the messenger to thank his master, and " Tell him," added he, '' I have lived long enough, and am now hungry enough, to know the difference be- tween Christmas and pie." Preventive of Jealousy. A beautitlil young lady having called out an ugly gentleman to dance with her, he was as- tonished at the condescension ; and believing that she was in love with him, in a very press- ing manner desired to know why she had selected him from the rest of the company. " Because, sir," replied the lady, " my hus- band commanded me to select such a partner as should not give him cause for jealousy." Paying Toll. A tar with two wooden legs, passed over Hampton-bridge the other day, and paid the usual half-penny. Thence he stumped to a neighbouring public house, and asked for a half 284 humourist's own book. pint of beer, saying he would have had a pint but for paying the toll. " Lord- love you," rejoined Boniface, "' you had no right to pay, you are no foot passenger, for you have no feet." " No more I an't," exclaimed Jack, " and shiver my timbers if I don't have it back." With this de- termination he repaired to the toll keeper, laid down the ground of exemption, which was al- lowed, and Jack rejoiced over a full pint. Happiness. A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth Point, boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the happiest fellows in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. " Why, I have just flogged seventeen^ and they are happy it is over ; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped." An Expedient. The following anecdote is related of Sir Ro- bert Walpole : Being afraid, on one occasion, that the bishops would vote against him in a question before the house of lords, he induced the Archbishop of Canterbury to stay at home for two or three days, and circulated a report that his grace was dangerously ill. On the day of meeting, the house was crowded with lawn-sleeves, not one of which voted against the court ! Tlie Broom- Seller. Bacon was wont to commend much the saying humourist's own book. 285 of an old man at Buxton, who sold brooms. A young spendthrift came to him for a broom upon trust, to whom the old man said, — " Friend, hast thou no money ? borrow of thy back and of thy belly; they'll never ask thee for it: I shall be dunning thee every day." Wit on a Death-bed. Swift's Stella , in her last illness, being visited by her physician, he said, '' Madam, I hope we shall soon get you up the hill again." " Ah," said she, " I am afraid before I get to the top of the hill, I shall be out of breath." Washington'' s Punctuality. When General Washington assigned to meet congress at noon, he never failed to be passing the door of the hall, while the clock was stri- king tv.^elve. Whether his guests were present or not, he always dined at four. Not unfre- quently, new members of congress, who were invited to dine with him, delayed until dinner was half over ; and he would then remark, " Gentlemen, we are punctual here. My cook never asks whether the company has arrived, but whether the hour has." When he visited Boston, in 1789, he appointed eight o'clock, A. M. as the hour when he should set out for Salem ; and while the Old South clock was striking eight, he was mounting his horse. The com- pany of cavalry which volunteered to escort him, were parading in Tremont street after his departure, and it was not until the general reached Charles River bridge, that they over- 286 humourist's own book. took him. On the arrival of the corps, the general, with perfect good nature, said, '• Major , I thought you had been too long in my family, not to know when it was eight o'clock." Captain Pease, the father of the stage estabhsh- ment in the United States, had a beautiful pair of horses, which he wished to dispose of to the general, whom he knew to be an excellent judge of horses. The general appointed five o'clock in the morning to examine ihem. But the captain did not arrive with the horses until a quarter past five, when he was told by the groom that the general was there at five, and then fulfilling other engagements. Pease, much mortified, was obliged to wait a week for another opportunity, merely for delaying the first quar- ter of an hour. Old^ but not to he tired on. A traveller, coming into the kitchen of an inn on a very cold night, stood so close to the fire, that he burned his boots. A little boy, who sat in the chimney corner, cried out to him, " Take care, sir, or you will burn your spurs." " My boots you mean, I suppose," said the traveller, " O no, sir," replied the arch rogue, ^^they be burnt already. .Another. One poor beau told another, that his new coat was too short for him. " True," answered he of the short skirts : " I assure you, how- ever, it will be long enough before 1 get ano- ther." humourist's own book. 287 Hole versus Darn. Ned Shuter thus explained his reason for pre- ferring to wear stockings with holes, to having them darned: — '^ A hofe," said he, ''may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman ; but a darn is premeditated poverty J' Retort Courteous. Dr Busby, whose figure was much under the common size, was one day accosted, in a coffee- room, by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, " May I pass to my seat, O giant?" when the doctor, politely making way, replied, " Pass, O pigmy !" " Oh sir," said the baronet, '' my expression referred to the size of your intellect." " And my expression, sir," said the doctor, " to the size of yours." Mist. " Suppose you were lost in a fog," said Lord C. to his noble relative, the Marchioness — '' what are you most likely to be .?" " Mist, of course," replied her ladyship. George HI. and the Whigs. When the Whigs came into power in 1806, they turned out every body, even Lord Sand- wich the master of the stag-hounds. The king met his lordship, soon after. " How do you do V cried his majesty. '• So they have turned 288 humourist's own book. you off? it was not my fault, upon my honour, for it was as much as I could do to keep my own place." Definitions ! Home Tooke, in his " Diversions of Purley," introduces the derivation of King Pepin from the Greek noun ospcr / as thus, — osper, cper, oper; diaper; napkin, nipkin, pipkin, pepin king — King Pepin ! And, in another work, we find the etymology of pickled cucumber from King Jeremiah ! exempli gratia^ — King Jeremi- ah,|Jeremiah King ; Jerry, King ; jirkin, girkin, pickled cucumber ' Also, the name of Mr Fox, as derived from a rainy day ; as thus, — Rainy day, rain a little, rain much, rain hard, reynard, Fox! The Miracle. An old mass- priest, in the reign of Henry Vni, after the bible was translated, was read- ing the miracle of the five loaves and two fishes. When he came to the verse that reckons the number of the guests, he paused a little, and at last said they were about five hundred ; the clerk whispered in his ear that it was five thou- sand. " Hold your tongue, sirrah," said the priest} " we shall never persuade the people it was five thousand." Swearing and Driving. A bishop being at his seat in the country where the roads were uncommonly bad, went HUMOURIST S OWN BOOK. I^ioy to pay a visit to a person of quality in the neigh- bourhood, when his coach was overturned in a slough, and the servants were unable to extri- cate the carriage. As it was far from any house, and the weather bad, the coachman freely told his master he believed they must stay there all niglit ; " For," said he, '* while your Grace is present, I cannot make the horses move." Astonished at this strange reason, his lordship desired him to explain himself. " It is," said he, "because I dare not swear in your presence; and if I don't we shall never get clear." The bishop, finding nothing could be done if the servant was not humoured, replied, " Well then, swear a little, but not much." The coachman made use of his permission, and the horses, used to such a kind of dialect, soon set the coach at li- berty. JVJioIcsale Practice. A physician to a metropolitan hospital, a few years ago, being in haste to leave his public for his private duties, was asked by the house sur- geon, what he should do with the right and left wards ? " Oh," exclaimed the other, "what did you do with them yesterday .''" " By your direc- tions," said the surgeon, " I bled all the right ward, and purged all the left." '• Good," repli- ed the other ; " then, to-day, purge all the right, and bleed all the left;" and then leaped into his carriage. Lady Hardioickc and her Bailiff. A bailiff, having been ordered by lady Hard- 290 humourist's own book. wicke to procure a sow of the breed and size she particularly described to him, came one day in- to the dining-room, when full of great company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, " I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and got a sow exactly of your ladyship's size." Perfection. A celebrated preacher having remarked in a sermon that everything made by God was per- fect, " What think you of me ?" said a deform- ed man in a pew beneath, who arose from his seat, and pointed at his own back. " Think of you," reiterated the preacher ; " why, that you are the most j^erfect hunchback my eyes ever beheld." Recovery of a Spendthrift. A nobleman, whose son was a hard drinker, and had been cutting down all the trees upon his estate, inquired of Charles Townshend, who had just returned from a visit to him, " Well, Charles, how does my graceless dog of a son go on ?" " Why, I should think, my lord," said Charles, " he is on the recovery, as I left him drinking the icoods." Clerical Preferment. Among the daily inquiries after the health of an aged Bishop of Durham, during his indispo- sition, no one was moro sedulously punctual than the Bishop of , and the invalid seem- ed to think, that otlier motives than those of humourist's own book. 201 anxious kindness might contribute to this soli- citude. One mornintr lie ordered the messen- ger to be shown into his room, and thus address- ed him : — *' Be so good as present my compli- ments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better — much better ; but that the Bishop of Winchester has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, if that will do.'" State Affairs. A coach containing four members of parlia- ment was overturned in the Strand. A coun- tryman passing inquired who were the unfortu- nate persons; and being told, "Oh, let them lie," cried he, '"'my father advised me not to meddle with state affairs." Charles II. The following anecdote, if it have not much of the wit, has at least a good deal of the cha- racter of ' the Merry Monarch.' He had a saying that five made the best company. It happened that a recruiting captain was so re- markably unsuccessful as to raise only five per- sons. When it was proposed that he should be broken for negligence, the king inquired how many he had raised ; on being told, *' Oddsfish !" cried his majesty, '' he shan't, for five's the best company in the world." Ferguson the Plotter. When this famous person was taken up for his concern in some of the plots of the reign of 292 humourist's own book. Charles II. and brought before Lord Nottingham to be examined, his lordship said, " I intend to be very brief with you, Mr Ferguson, and only ask one or two questions;" to which the pris- oner replied, with his usual acrimony of tone, ** And I intend to be as short as your lord- ship, and notanswer oneof them." Whereupon he was committed to Newgate. Delicacy. A courtier of the time of Charles II. — the greatest of his age — used to pay the following pretty compliment to the scruples which are entertained by ladies on the subject of age ; he used to say to his lady every New Year's Day, "Well, madam, how old will your ladyship please to be this year ?" Example. Examples make a greater impression upon us than precepts. An old counsellor in Holborn used to turn out his clerks every execution day, with this compliment, "Go, ye young rogues, to school and improve." Sir Francis Bacon. When Queen Elizabeth made her famous procession to St Paul's, to return public thanks- giving for the destruction of the Spanish ar- mada, the citizens were ranged along one side of Fleet street, and the lawyers on the other. As the Queen passed Temple Bar, Bacon, then a student, said to a lawyer that stood next him, humourist's own book. 293 "Do but observe the courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to us, they are in law." Transposition of Syllables. One of our most celebrated poets, occasionally a little absent of mind, was invited by a friend, whom he met in the street, to dine with him next Tuesday, at a country lodcr'ing he had tak- en for the summer months. The address was, " Near the Green Man at Dulwich," which, not to put his inviter to the trouble of pencilling down, our bard promised faithfully to remember. But when Tuesday came, he, fully late enough, made his way to Greenwich, and began inquir- ing for the sign of the Dull Man. No such sign was to be found ; and, after losing an hour, a person guessed, that though there was no Dull Man at Greenwich, there was a Green Man at Dulwich, which the gentleman might possibly mean. This remark connected the broken chain, and our poet took his chop by himself Who would Groan and Siceat ? WhenFoote was in Paris, in the course of an evening's conversation with some English gen- tlemen, the subject turned on Mr Garrick's act- ing : when some of the company expressed their fears of that great performer's relinquishing the stage. '' Make yourselves easy on that head," replied the wit, " for he'd play Richard before a kitchen fire in the dog days, provided he was euro of getting a sop in the pan." 294 humourist's own book. James II. James II. having appointed a nobleman to be lord treasurer, when the exchequer was in a very exhausted state, he complained to the king of tho irksomeness of the office, as the treasury was so empty. " Be of good cheer, my lord," replied his majesty, " for you will now see the bottom of your business at once." Effect of Poetry. James I. first coined his twenty-two shilling pieces, called Jacobuses, with his head crowned. He afterwards coined his twenty shilling pieces, where he wore the laurel instead of the crown. Ben Jonson observed on this, that " Poets al- ways came to poverty ; King James no sooner began to wear bays, than he fell two shillings in the pound." ^ Seasonable Hint. Dean Cowper, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, he remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than " that bottle." " I do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied Mr Drake, a minor canon, " for ?/?e have seen no more than * that bottle,' all the afternoon." Posthumous Travels. Professor Porson being once at a dinner party, humourist's own book. 295 where the conversation turned upon Captain Cook and his celebrated voyages round the world; an ignorant person, in order to contri- bute his mite towards the social intercourse, ask- ed him, *' Pray, was Cook killed on his first voy- age r" " I believe he was," answered Person, "though he did not mind it much, but imme- diately entered on a second." Hospitality. There is a delightful smack of old England in the following anecdote. The famous Tom Thynne, who was very remarkable for his good house-keeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the country, a beggar coming up to him, begged his worship would give him a mug of his small beer. " Why, how now," said he, " what times are these, when beggars must be choosers ! I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer." No Mternatlve. A porter passing near Temple Bar, with a load on his shoulders, having unintentionally jostled a man who was going that way, the fel- low gave the porter a violent box on the ear, upon which a gentleman passing, exclaimed, *' Why my friend, will you take that.^" " Take it," replied the porter, rubbing his cheek; " don't 3'-ou see he has given it me." Original Anecdote. During the passage of one of our elegant 296 humourist'8 own book. steamboats down Long Island Sound, last sum* mer, a gentleman, not much accustomed to po- lished society, came so late to the dinner table, that he found it difficult to obtain a seat. He stood some time with his hands in his pocket, looking wistfully at the smoking viands. He was at last noticed by the captain, who relin- quished to him his own chair and plate, when he commenced carving a pig that lay before him. Having finished, he passed portions of the dish to all the ladies in his immediate neighbourhood, and then heaped a plate for himself. He soon perceived a lady who had not been served, and inquired if she would be helped to some pig? She replied in the affirmative, and he accord- ingly handed her the plate which he had re- served for himself Her ladyship feeling her dignity somewhat offended at so bountiful a service, observed with protruded lips, loud enough to be heard all around — " / don't leant a cart load!" The gentleman, at her remark, became the object of attention to all at his end of the table, and determini-ng to retort upon her for her exceeding civility, watched her motions, and observed that she had dispatched the con- tents of the plate with little ceremony. When this was accomplished, he cried out, *' Madam, if you'll back your cart up this way, I'll give you another load.'' THE END. THE LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA Santa Barbara [IS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DA' STAMPED BELOW. m\ 17v49 v^V*'^MMr 3 1205 02385 1643