IRLF OF mm*' ]\Ir. ^Ionian as Ki-RAM THE SULTAN OF SULU AN ORIGINAL SATIRE IN TWO ACTS BY NEW YORK R. H. RUSS ELL 1903 LIBRARY PNflVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA DAVIS Copyright, 1903 By ROBERT HOWARD RUSSELL Published May, 1903. rHIS piece, with an accompaniment of music written by Alfred G. Wathall, was produced by the Castle Square Opera Company, under the direction of Henry W. Savage, at the Studebaker Theatre, in Chicago, on March n, 1902. The first Boston performance was at the Tremont Theatre, on December i, 1902. The -first New York performance was at Wallaces Theatre, on December 29, 1902. The music for " The Sultan of Sulu" is published by M. Witmark & Sons, New York and Chicago. NOTE Sutu, or Jolo, is the largest of the southerly islands in the Philippine group. The chief ruler of the island is Hadji Mohammed Jamalul Ki-Ram, Sultan of Sulu and Brother of the Sun. His rule has been disputed by certain dattos or chiefs, with whom he has kept up a running warfare. One of the characteristic features of this warfare has been the abduction of women. The natives of Sulu are Moham- medans, polygamists, and slave-holders. The American troops landed at Sulu in 1899, and after some parleying came to a peaceable agreement with the Malay ruler. He renounced his title of Sultan and became Governor at a fixed salary, " The Sultan of Sulu" is not an attempt to show what sub- sequently happened, but merely what might have happened. THE SCENES ACT I. An open place in front of the Sultan's palace, city of Sulu or Jolo. ACT II. The hanging garden of the Sultan's palace. One day is supposed to elapse between the two acts. CAST OF CHARACTERS The cast in the first production, Studebaker Theatre, Chicago, March n, 1902. Mr. George A . Beane Mr. Robert Lett Mr. Reginald Roberts KI-RAM, the Sultan of Sulu COLONEL JEFFERSON BUDD, of the Volunteers LIEUTENANT WILLIAM HARDY, of the Regulars HADJI TANTONG, the Sultan's pri- vate secretary Mr. Fred Frear DATTO MANDI, of Parang Mr. William H. Hatter WAKEFUL M. JONES, agent and salesman Mr. James F. McDonald DINGBAT, Captain of the Guards Mr. Harold Warren RASTOS ) N h . , Mr. John J. Fogarty DIDYMOS ] Nubian slaves Mr. Gilbert F. Brown HENRIETTA BUDD, the Colonel's daughter Miss Margaret McKinney PAMELA FRANCES JACKSON, Judge- Wives of Ki-Ram Advocate CHIQUITA, wife number one MAURICIA LOLITA RAMONA PEPITA NATIVIDAD NATALIA SELINA Miss ROXBURY ^ Miss DORCHESTER I Miss CAMBRIDGE [ Miss NEWTON The School-ma'ams from Boston Miss Blanche Chapman Miss Gertrude Quintan Miss Jessie Bradbury Miss Lillian Sefton Miss Mildred Elaine Miss Laura Doty Miss Louise Kelly Miss Adele Lorraine Miss Gladys Coleman Miss Bonnie Henkle Miss Nora Johnson Miss Ruby Powell Miss Lillian Maure U. S. Soldiers, Marines, Imperial Guards, American Girls, Slaves, Natives, and Attendants. CAST OF CHARACTERS The cast during the run at Wallaces Theatre, looth per- formance, March 23, 1903. The list of characters was changed in the revising of the libretto. KI-RAM, the Sultan of Sulu COLONEL JEFFERSON BUDD, of the Volunteers LIEUTENANT WILLIAM HARDY, of the Regulars HADJI TANTONG, the Sultan's pri- vate secretary DATTO MANDI, of Parang WAKEFUL M. JONES, agent and salesman DINGBAT, Captain of the Guards SERGEANT STANDPIPE, U. S. A. RASTOS Mr. Frank Moulan Mr. George H. Shields Mr. Tempter Saxe Mr. Fred Frear Mr. Frank Rainger Mr. Paul Nicholson Mr. Frank Hunter Mr. Basil Millspaugh , Mr. John J. Fogarty Mr. Edward J. Flanagan HENRIETTA BUDD, the Colonel's daughter Miss Maude Lillian Berri PAMELA FRANCES JACKSON, Judge- Advocate CHIQUITA, wife number one GALULA, the faithful one MAURICIA RAMONA PEPITA I Wives of NATIVIDAD [ Ki-Ram NATALIA SELINA MlSS ROXBURY ^| Miss DORCHESTER I Miss CAMBRIDGE f Miss NEWTON The School-ma'ams from Boston Miss Blanche Chapman Miss Gertrude Quintan Miss Victory Gale Miss Loris Scarsdale Miss Nellie Adams Miss Beryl Gomez Miss Mabel Wilbur Miss Effie Hasty Miss Teddie Du Coe Miss Aurora Piatt Miss Charlotte Groves Miss Jane Mandeville Miss Memay Kennedy U. S. Soldiers, Marines, Imperial Guards, American Girls, Slaves, Natives, and Attendants. ACT I SCENE. An open place in Sulu. The SULTAN'S palace, with Sulu flag flying in front of it, at stage right. Suggestion of tropical vegetation at stage left. Beyond, the open sea. TIME. Early morning. During the opening chorus, the stage gradually becomes lighted with the glow of sunrise. Native men and women on stage, kneeling. OPENING CHORUS The darkness breaks! The day's begun! Hail to the Sultan and the sun! One cannot rank above the other; The sun is but the Sultan's brother. Behold the sun! Majestic sun! He is the Sultan's brother. Well may he ride in crimson pride, He is the Sultan's brother. With regal sway, the King of day; And this the reason, we should say, He is the Sultan's brother! [i] The Sultan of Sulu [Six of the wives of Ki-RAM enter, romping. They are: MAURICIA, SELINA, NATIVIDAD, PEPI- TA, NATALIA, RAMONA young and attractive things. THE Six WIVES In early morn, at breakfast -time, It is our wifely duty To greet the Sultan with a rhyme And to cheer him with our beauty. So we come, a sweet sextette Of most unwilling brides, To tap upon the castanet And do our Spanish glides. Dance In early morn, at breakfast -time, It is our wifely duty To tap upon the castanet And do our Spanish glides. ALL Behold the sun, etc. [At conclusion of the chorus, the natives salaam to wives and retire as HADJI comes from the palace, pausing on the upper step to salute the cluster of wives. m The Sultan of Sulu HADJI [Mysterious and sotto voce.] Oh! oh! Ladies, not so much noise! Not so much noise! Our beloved ruler is now taking his beauty sleep in the inner chamber. Are all of the Sultan's loving and obedient wives present at the morning round-up? WIVES [Ad lib.] Here! Yes. Present, etc. [HADJI gesticulates for silence. Wives group about in sitting posture. HADJI In order to make sure, we shall proceed with the usual roll-call. [He consults a book containing the official list of wives.] Mauricia! Mauricia! Here! Selina. MAURICIA HADJI Here! SELINA HADJI Daily catechism. Do you love your husband? [3] The Sultan of Sulu SELINA What is the answer? HADJI The answer is, "I adore him." SELINA All right ; put it down. HADJI Such devotion is touching. [Calling] Natividad! NATIVIDAD Here! HADJI [Calling] Pepita Pepita Pete! Where is the Gibson girl of the Philippine Islands? PEPITA Here! HADJI Pepita a question from the book. Suppose the Sultan should die would you remarry? PEPITA What is the answer? [4] The Sultan of Sulu HADJI The ansv\rer is, "Never!" Shall I so record it? PEPITA Never! HADJI Oh, how she loves that man! [From the book again.] Natalia naughty little Natty! NATALIA Here! HADJI Ramona! Ramona! Blithesome creature, where art thou? RAMONA Here! HADJI Ramona a question from the book. Do you RAMONA [Interrupting.] Yes. HADJI I am delighted to hear it. [Calling.] Chiquita! [5] The Sultan of Sulu Chiquita! Has any one seen the sunny soubrette of the southern seas? [Cadenza heard outside.] Aha! Gallivant- ing as usual. [CHIQUITA enters and salaams.] HADJI Now that our entire domestic household has assembled, I wish to make an announcement. It has come to the ears of our august ruler that your uncle, the Datto Mandi of Parang, is encamped near the city. [The wives, arise, with various exclamations of sur- prise. The news appears to please them. HADJI invokes silence. He has come to recapture you, but never fear. We, editorially speaking, will protect you. CHIQUITA But we wish to be recaptured. We want to go back to dear old Parang. ^ HADJI [Injured tone.] Oh, Chiquita! Thus do you repay Ki- Ram's single-hearted devotion? CHIQUITA [Confronting HADJI.] Single-hearted fiddle-sticks! How can a man have a single-hearted devotion for eight dif- ferent women? We were brought here as captives. When [6] The Sultan of Sulu it came to a choice between an ignominious death and Ki-Ram, we hesitated for a while and then chose Ki-Ram. HADJI Such impertinence! I shall inform his Majesty. [HADJI goes into palace. NATALIA Oh, Chiquita! Our husband will be very angry. CHIQUITA Our husband must learn that any man who takes a pet to raise must expect to have trouble. Pets are expensive luxuries. A WIFE And a wife, I suppose, is the most expensive of all. CHIQUITA Not always. CHIQUITA AND WIVES "THE QUEER LITTLE OSTRICH" The words and music for this song by MAURICE PRATT DUNLAP, of Princeton University. The Datto Bimboo was very fond of pets, And yet it was one of his principal regrets The Sultan of Sulu That he couldn't afford to take himself a wife; So he said, "There are other kinds to cheer my life." And one fine day from a jungle-man he bought a little ostrich fleet. He thought it was funny it should cost so little money Till the ostrich began to eat. REFRAIN Oh, that queer little ostrich, a pretty price it cost, which I never half imagined that I'd have to pay, For I never thought 'twould need half the stuff it eats for feed. Other birds don't act that way. When the girls see the queer thing, they cry, "Oh, what a dear thing!" And think the birdie just too sweet; But they don't know how my goods and chattels go, For that funny little bird can eat, by Jove! For that funny little bird can eat. That ostrich grew, so did the appetite; It ate all day and it ate all night; It gobbled ev'rything in sight and called for more, Till it was filled up like a big department store. At last in desperation the excited man fed the bird a strychnine pill. It ate it ev'ry bit, it feezed it not a whit, And the appetite was keener still. [8] The Sultan of Sulu REFRAIN Oh, that queer little ostrich, etc. One Sunday night a missionary called, with his gold- headed cane and his head so bald, And before he went he left two stacks Of dear little papers called temperance tracts. Now the ostrich happening to pass that way, he gobbled up the parcel flat; But no sooner had he fed than the birdie tumbled dead, For he couldn't stand a thing like that. REFRAIN Oh, that queer little ostrich, etc. [Boom of cannon heard in the distance, followed by rattle of musketry. Wives retreat to rear of palace in frightened confusion as HADJI comes out and stands on the steps. DINGBAT, a native guard, with drawn sword of the kris shape, rushes on from left. DINGBAT What do you think, sir? HADJI I'm a private secretary. I'm not permitted to think. [9] The Sultan of Sulu DINGBAT A large white ship has come into the harbor. HADJI A ship in the harbor? DINGBAT It is crowded with soldiers. HADJI Soldiers? DINGBAT The flag is one of red, white, and blue, spangled with stars. HADJI Never heard of such a flag. DINGBAT What's more, sir, they're coming ashore. HADJI Soldiers on this side. [Indicating left.] Mandi on this. [Indicating right.] How glad I am that I am merely a private secretary! [Distant boom of cannon.] Aha! That seems friendly. They are firing a salute. [10] The Sultan of Sulu [Shell, with fuse sputtering, rolls on from left and disappears behind palace. Sound of explosion. HADJI disappears headlong into the palace, followed by DINGBAT. The broken volleys of musketry be- come louder and louder. In the incidental music there is a suggestion of "A Hot Time in the Old Town. 1 ' Sharp yells are heard off left, and then a body of United States Volunteers in khaki and ma- rines in white pours on the stage in pell-mell con- fusion. LIEUTENANT WILLIAM HARDY, in a white uniform of the Regulars, comes down through the centre of the charging squad. He has his sword drawn. LIEUTENANT HARDY AND CHORUS OF SOLDIERS "HIKE" We haven't the appearance, goodness knows, Of plain commercial men; From a hasty glance, you might suppose We are fractious now and then. But though we come in warlike guise And battle-front arrayed, It's all a business enterprise; We're seeking foreign trade. The Sultan of Sulu REFRAIN We're as mild as any turtle-dove When we see the foe a-coming, Our thoughts are set on human love When we hear the bullets humming, We teach the native population What the golden rule is like, And we scatter public education On ev'ry blasted hike! We want to assimilate, if we can, Our brother who is brown; We love our dusky fellow-man And we hate to hunt him down. So, when we perforate his frame, We want him to be good. We shoot at him to make him tame, If he but understood. REFRAIN We're as mild, etc. [During the second verse, the wives and native women return timidly, drawn by curiosity. They gather about the soldiers and study them carefully, more or less frightened but not altogether displeased. LIEUTENANT HARDY addresses the company of natives. [13] The Sultan of Sulu HARDY I am here to demand an audience with the Sultan. CHIQUITA [Stepping forth.] Indeed! And who are you that pre- sumes to demand an audience with the Bright Morning Light of the Orient? HARDY Why, how do you do? I am Lieutenant Hardy a mod- est representative of the U. S. A. [HADJI cautiously emerges from the palace. HADJI [Overhearing.] The U. S. A.? Where is that on the map? HARDY Just now it is spread all over the map. Perhaps you don't know it, but we are the owners of this island. We paid twenty millions of dollars for you. [All whistle] At first it did seem a large price, but now that I have seen you [indicating wives] I am convinced it was a bargain. [CHI- QUITA has lighted a native cigarette and is serenely puffing it. LIEUTENANT HARDY addresses her chidingly.] You don't mean to say you smoke? CHIQUITA Don't the ladies of your country smoke? The Sultan of Siilu HARDY The ladies do the women don't. [HADJI observes the confidential chat between the offi- cer and the principal wife, and he is disturbed in spirit. HADJI Lieutenant! [More loudly.] Lieutenant! Did you come ashore to talk business or to break into the harem ? HARDY Beg pardon. [Stepping back into a stiff, military attitude] Does the Sultan surrender? HADJI He says he will die first. HARDY That can be arranged. We are here as emissaries of peace, but we never object to a skirmish eh, boys? [The soldiers respond with a warlike shout, which frightens the native women. The lieutenant re- assures them. HARDY Young ladies, don't be alarmed. We may slaughter all the others, but you will be spared. Meet us here after the battle. [14] The Sultan of Sulu HADJI The battle! [He jails against DINGBAT. Then he de- jectedly moves over to centre and addresses the wives.] Mes- dames Ki-Ram, his Majesty is about to dictate to me his last will and testament. In one hour you will be widows all of you. You had better begin picking out your black goods. CHIQUITA And I never did look well in black. [Sound of gong heard in palace. HADJI Excuse me. [Exit into palace after DINGBAT. [LIEUTENANT HARDY resumes his confidential rela- tions with wives and native women. HARDY Young ladies, you never saw a real Yankee girl, did you? CHIQUITA What is she like? HARDY The American girl ? The most remarkable combina- tion of innocence and knowledge, of modesty and bold- The Sultan of Sulu ness, of school-girl simplicity and married-woman diplo- macy. [Native boys, running on from left, call attention to the approach of the American party. All the natives bow with their arms extended in a deferential sa- laam. Soldiers come to " present arms." WELCOME CHORUS Welcome, Americanos! Welcome, in Oriental style! Welcome, Americanos! Welcome, in Oriental style! Sulu bids you welcome! Sulu bids you welcome! [COLONEL JEFFERSON BUDD, HENRIETTA BUDD, WAKEFUL M. JONES, PAMELA FRANCES JACKSON, and the four school-ma'ams enter, with smiling ac- knowledgments of the vocal greeting. HENRIETTA is a very attractive girl, in a stunning summer gown. COLONEL BUDD is large and imposing, somewhat overburdened with conscious dignity. He wears a colonel's service uniform. WAKEFUL M. JONES is a brisk young man in flannels. Miss JACKSON is a sedate and rigid spinster. Her attire indicates that she has made a partial compromise with the [16] The Sultan of Sulu dress -reformers, but has a lingering fondness for stylish garments that fit. After the entrance, HEN- RIETTA advances from the group and breaks into the anticipated song. HENRIETTA BUDD AND CHORUS "PALM BRANCHES WAVING" Palm branches waving A welcome to the queen of the day, While from above the birds seem to join in the lay. Long have I sought thee, O charming little tropical isle! Here let me dwell let me dwell awhile. Softly comes the southern breeze Land so bright, of pure delight, Oh, how I have longed for thee! HENRIETTA AND CHORUS 'Neath the shade of spreading trees Ah, Sulu, fair Sulu, Tis the land I have longed to see. HENRIETTA Long have I sought thee, O charming little tropical isle! Here let me dwell let me dwell awhile. The Sultan of Sulu HARDY [Addressing company of natives.] Ladies and gentlemen, Colonel Budd! [Pointing out that august personage.] His daughter, Miss Henrietta Budd! \Jones calls attention to Miss Jackson. JONES And this is Miss Pamela Frances Jackson, a lady who knows as much as any man and then some more. PAMELA [Inquiringly.] The Sultan? CHIQUITA He is within making his will. HENRIETTA His will? CHIQUITA He expects to be captured. They are going to do some- thing dreadful to him. BUDD [Impressively.] We are going to assimilate him. CHIQUITA Yes, that's why he's making his will. [18] The Sultan of Sulu # JONES If he really expects to die, now is the time to talk life in- surance. [He starts towards the palace, whereupon the alarmed wives crowd in front of him. No! And why not? CHIQUITA For entering that majestic presence unheralded, the pun- ishment is death. ALL Death! [Jones smiles disdainfully and buttons his coat. JONES Watch me ! ' [He motions them to right and left and hurriedly enters palace. The natives are amazed at his au- dacity} CHIQUITA Poor man! HARDY Don't worry about Mr. Jones. He's from Chicago. [Looking about, sees soldiers warming up to wives} I'm afraid my men are in danger. [Miss JACKSON comes to the rescue. The Sultan of Sulu PAMELA Young ladies! You are rather young to be trifling with soldiers. CHIQUITA Not so young. We are married all of us. PAMELA What, married women flirting! It is an uncivilized country. Gather about me. [They come to her and she advises them in a patronizing manner.] When you have become Americanized you won't follow soldiers. You'll compel them to follow you. [The expeditious JONES comes from the palace, glee- fully waving a paper. JONES I have insured his life for fifty thousand pesos. I con- vinced him that he would be a dead man in less than fifteen minutes. BUDD [Preparing for an effort] Soldiers of the republic! ALL Hear! Hear! BUDD For the first time you are about to stand in the presence [20] The Sultan of Sulu of royalty. Stiffen yourselves for the ordeal, and remem- ber, no deference, for each of you is a sovereign in his own right. CHORUS TO SULTAN Sultan! Mighty Sultan! Thrice glorious in defeat. Sultan! Wretched Sultan! This great affliction meet. [There is a slow thrumming of Oriental music, during which HADJI appears on the steps oj the palace and makes a mournful announcement. HADJI Ladies and gentlemen, his Majesty is coming prepared to die according to contract. He has only one request to make. It is that you do not ask him to die a cheap and common death. [The natives prostrate themselves. Ki-RAM comes from palace, accompanied by his two Nubian slaves, DIDYMOS and RASTOS. The Sultan is attired in funereal black and is the picture of woe. KI-RAM [Recitative.] What do you think? I've got to die; My time has come to say good-bye [ai] The Sultan of Sulu To my upholstered Sulu throne And all that I can call my own. [He comes down and dolefully sings what he believes to be his swan-song. KI-RAM AND CHORUS "THE SMILING ISLE" We have no daily papers To tell of Newport capers, No proud four hundred to look down on ordinary folk ; We have no stocks and tickers, No Scotch imported liquors, To start us on the downward path and some day land us broke; We've not a single college Where youth may get a knowledge Of chorus girls and cigarettes, of poker and the like; No janitors to sass us, No bell-boys to harass us, And we've never known the pleasure of a labor-union strike. REFRAIN And that is why, you'll understand, I love my own, my native land, The Sultan of Sulu My little isle of Sulu. [Chorus.] Sulu! Smiling isle of Sulu! [Chorus] Sulu! I'm not ready to say good-bye, I'm mighty sorry that I have to die. We have no prize-fight sluggers, No vaudevillian muggers, No one of us has ever shot the chutes or looped the loop ; No cable-cars or trolleys, No life-insurance jollies, No bank cashiers to take our money 'ere they fly the coop; No bookies and no races, No seaside summer places; No Bertha Clays and Duchesses to make the females cry; We have no dairy lunches, Where they eat their food in bunches, And we don't insult our stomachs with the thing they call mince-pie. REFRAIN And that is why, etc. We have no short-haired ladies Who are always raising Hades With their finical and funny old reformatory fads; The Sultan of Sulu No ten-cent publications, Sold at all the railway stations, With a page or two of reading and a hundred stuffed with "ads"; We never chew in Sulu Any pepsin gum or tolu In fact, we're not such savages as some of you might think ; And during intermission We always crave permission Before we walk on other people just to get a drink. REFRAIN And that is why, etc. We have no politicians, And under no conditions Do we tolerate the fraud who cures by laying on of hands ; We have no elocutionists, No social revolutionists, No amateur dramatics, and no upright baby grands; We don't play golf and tennis, And we never know the menace Of a passing fad or fancy that may turn the nation's head ; I'm proud of my dominion When I voice the bold opinion That we'll never know the tortures of a patent fold- ing-bed. [24] The Sultan of Sulu REFRAIN And that is why, etc. [The song being ended, Ki-RAM stands apart in an attitude supposed to signify heroic resignation. KI-RAM Now, then, for a farewell speech that will look well in the school histories. I die I die that Sulu may BUDD Why, your Majesty, you are not expected to die. KI-RAM No ? [With an expression of glad surprise.] BUDD We are your friends. We have come to take possession of the island and teach your benighted people the ad- vantages of free government. We hold that all govern- ment derives its just powers from the consent of the governed. ALL Hear! Hear! BUDD Now, the question is, do you consent to this benevolent plan? [25] The Sultan of Sulu [The soldiers bring their guns to "charge bayonets." Ki-RAM looks right and left and finds himself walled in by threatening weapons. He hesitates. KI-RAM Are all the guns loaded? BUDD They are. KI-RAM I consent. BUDD Good! The education of your neglected race will begin at once under the direction of these young ladies. [He calls attention to the school-ma'ams standing in the background. When KI-RAM sees the luscious quartette he is visibly impressed. KI-RAM Young ladies? Oh-h-h! Who are they? BUDD Four of our most interesting products four highly cul- tivated, dignified, demure New England school-ma'ams. [The school-ma'ams advance, stepping rather high, and introduce themselves. [26] The Sultan of Sulu THE FOUR SCHOOL-MA'AMS "FROM THE LAND OF THE CEREBELLUM" From the land of the cerebellum, Where clubs abound and books are plenty, Where people know before you tell 'em As much as any one knows, We come to teach this new possession All that's known to a girl of twenty; And such a girl, it's our impression, Knows more than you might suppose. You may judge by our proper bearing That we're accomplished, proud, and haughty, Those simple little gowns we're wearing Proclaim our innocent style. You must not think because we're frisky That we're re-ally bold or naughty; We never flirt when it seems risky, Except for a little while. KI-RAM [Gazing at them with unconcealed admiration.] Are they going to open school here? BUDD This very day. [27] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM I'll be there early with my face washed and a red apple for my dear teacher. BUDD We believe that in three weeks or a month we will have you as cultured as the people of my native State. KI-RAM And what State is that ? BUDD The State of Arkansaw! [On the word "Arkansaw," the Colonel removes his cap reverently, and the soldiers solemnly lift their hats. KI-RAM Arkansaw? Never heard of it. BUDD What! Never heard of Arkansaw? Then permit me to tell you that in Arkansaw they never heard of Sulu. Hereafter, you understand, you are not a Sultan, but a Governor. KI-RAM A Governor! Is that a promotion? [38] The Sultan of Sulu BUDD Most assuredly ! A Governor is the noblest work of the campaign committee. Ladies and gentlemen ALL Hear! Hear! BUDD [In oratorical fashion} I take pleasure in introducing to you that valiant leader, that incorruptible statesman, that splendid type of perfect manhood, our fellow-citizen, the Honorable Ki-Ram, next Governor of Sulu. [Cheers} He will be inaugurated here in one hour. I request you to pre- pare for the festivities. [Another cheer and all exeunt except Ki-RAM, BUDD, and CHIQUITA. The principal wife seems disposed to loiter near the Colonel and admire him. KI-RAM Chiquita, run along; don't annoy the Colonel. [CHIQUITA goes into the palace, but before doing so she gives the Colonel a lingering glance, which seems to warm him considerably. Ki - RAM grasps BUDD by the hand.} Colonel, I want to thank you. It was great! [Attempting to imitate BUDD'S oratorical flight} That some-kind-of-a leader, that umpta- lallable statesman, that that Say, where did you learn that kind of talk? [29] The Sultan of Sulu BUDD You mustn't mind that. I'm in politics. I say that about every one. [Ki-RAM blows whistle, which he carries suspended on a cord about his neck. DIDYMOS and RASTOS bring stools and then exeunt, dancing in unison. As they go into the palace, KI-RAM and BUDD seat themselves. At the same moment GALULA comes from behind the palace carrying a large, long- handled fan of Oriental pattern. She is an elderly female, all of whose native charms have long since disappeared. Think of the homeliest woman you ever saw; multiply her unloveliness by two, and the read- er will have GALULA. She timorously approaches Ki-RAM and begins fanning him from behind. KI-RAM Colonel, you'll excuse me for mentioning it, but you are one of the handsomest men I ever saw. I I [He pauses with an expression of alarm growing on his coun- tenance. GALULA continues to fan him.] Colonel, do you feel a draught? [Turns and sees GALULA.] Oh-h-h! Galula, I know you love me, and I don't blame you, but you want to remember one thing, " Absence makes the heart grow fonder." [She exits, looking back at him yearningly.] That's one of them. BUDD One of what? [30] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM One of my wives. She is the charter member. I've tried to lose her, but I can't. The other seven were those society buds that you saw here a moment ago. I captured them about a month ago. BUDD You captured them? [Eagerly.] Then the beautiful creature with whom I was chatting she did not marry you voluntarily? KI-RAM Galula is the only one that ever married me voluntarily. The others I [Gesture of reaching out, taking hold of something, and pulling it in.] Did you ever hear of the Datto Mandi of Parang? BUDD What is it some new kind of breakfast food? KI-RAM Certainly not. The Datto Mandi is a warlike gentleman who holds forth on the other side of the island. About a month ago I needed a new batch of wives. I turned the former assortment out to pasture, then I went over to Parang and stampeded seven of Mandi's lovely nieces. This annoyed Mandi. The Sultan of Sulu BUDD Naturally. KI-RAM He is now encamped outside the wall, waiting for a chance to recapture them, and incidentally carve me into small, red cubes. Now, then, if I'm to be Governor here, I shall expect you to protect me against him. [COLONEL BUDD arises and bursts into oratory. BUDD Most assuredly! Wherever our flag floats there human rights shall be protected, though the heavens fall. Oh KI-RAM Shake out the parachute, Colonel! [Arises I\ Come down! I understand all that. And just to prove that I appreciate what you have done for me, and what I expect you to do for me in the future, do you know what I am going to do? BUDD I can't imagine. KI-RAM Well, I'm going to set 'em up. BUDD Set 'em up? [32] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM I'm going to set 'em up to the wives. [Makes a pro- found bow.] Have a wife on me. Take your pick of the eight. Do me a favor. Choose the one with the fan. BUDD What, your Majesty! Take another man's wife? Bar- barous! Barbarous! KI-RAM Barbarous, perhaps, but it frequently happens. BUDD Besides, I I [hesitating] may as well tell you that I have proposed marriage to Miss Jackson, the Judge Advo- cate. The Judge has the matter under advisement. KI-RAM That's all right marry both of them. BUDD My dear sir, do you realize that under our laws a man is entitled to only one wife ? KI-RAM How could a man struggle along with only one wife! Suffering Allah! I wonder if they'll try to work that rule on me? [33] The Sultan of Sulu [Ki-RAM starts to enter the palace, when JONES, en- tering at right from rear of palace, accosts him sharply. JONES Governor! KI-RAM Well? JONES Are you ready for the reception? KI-RAM What is a reception? Something civilized? JONES [Taking him by the arm.] A reception, Governor, is a function at which a large number of people assemble in order to be exclusive. The entire population files past. You shake hands with each person, and say, "I am happy to meet you." KI-RAM That's what I say, but am I happy? JONES Probably not. [34] The Sultan of Sulu BUDD However, you must pretend to enjoy these little tortures. JONES At least, until the other people are out of hearing dis- tance. KI-RAM, BUDD, AND JONES "OH, WHAT A BUMP!" JONES At a musicale, a five-o'clock, Or social jamboree, Tis there the swagger people flock For a bite and a sip of tea; And this is what you hear: 'It's been a charming afternoon"; "Delighted, don't you know"; " Sorry I have to leave so soon, But really I must go." But after she's away In her coup, What does this self-same woman say? KI-RAM AND BUDD Well, what does she say? [35] The Sultan of Sulu JONES "That was the tackiest time I've had In twenty years or more. The crowd was jay and the tea was bad And the whole affair a bore." TRIO Ok, what a bump ! Alackaday! 'Twould darken her whole career, Could the hostess know what people say When she's not there to hear. BUDD The bashful youth who's rather slow When he has made a call, Receives a message, soft and low, At parting in the hall. And this is what she says: "Now come as often as you can. I love these little larks. It's seldom that I meet a man Who makes such bright remarks." But when he tears away From this fairy fay, What does the artful maiden say? KI-RAM AND JONES Well, what does she say? [36] The Sultan of Sulu BUDD "Of all the dummies I ever met He's the limit, and no mistake. As a touch-me-not and mamma's pet, That Johnnie takes the cake." TRIO Oh, what a bump ! Alackaday! 'Twould darken his whole career, Could Harold know what Mabel says When he's not there to hear. KI-RAM Did you ever feel like saying When some precocious brat Recites a piece called "Mary's Lamb" Or "Little Pussy Cat"? And this is what you say: "What marvellous talent she does possess For one of her tender age. I think she'd make a great success If you'd put her on the stage." But later in the day, When you get away, What do you then proceed to say? BUDD AND JONES Well, what do you say? [37] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM "If that awful kid belonged to me, I'll tell you what I'd do I'd keep it under lock and key And spank it black and blue." TRIO Oh, what a bump ! Alackaday! 'T would darken the child's career, Could parents know what callers say When they're not there to hear. JONES Perhaps the most terrific bump Is found in politics. The campaign speaker on the stump Is up to all the tricks, And this is what he says: "Oh, fellow-citizens, I see Before me here to-day The sovereign voters, pure and free, Whom I shall e'er obey." But when he's won the race, Gets a nice, fat place, What does the people's servant say? Kl-RAM AND BUDD Well, what does he say? [38] The Sultan of Sulu JONES "Well, maybe I didn't con those yaps With that patriotic bluff. Now that I've landed one of the snaps, I'm going to get the stuff." TRIO Oh, what a bump! Alackaday! 'Twould darken their whole career Could voters know what bosses say When they're not there to hear. KI-RAM Some ladies of the smartest set Met on the boulevard. They shook hands most effusively And kissed each other hard. And this is what one said: "Why, Alice, dear, what a zippy gown! The fit is perfectly fine; And that dream of a hat! How swell you look! Good-bye, dear. Drop me a line." But when she said day-day, And wafted on her way, What did this gushing lady say? BUDD AND JONES Well, what did she say? [39] The Sultan of Sulu Ki-RAM "Did you ever see such a fright of a dress? It was wrinkled all up the back, And those feathers, too she's had them dyed; They were on her last winter's hat. [Spoken} The upstart!" TRIO Oh, what a bump ! Alackaday! 'T would darken her whole career, Could a woman know what her friends all say When she's not there to hear. [A dance concludes this number, and the three exeunt into the palace as HENRIETTA BUDD enters, fol- lowed by LIEUTENANT HARDY, who appears to be expostulating and pleading. HENRIETTA Mr. Hardy, it cannot be. My father objects to you in language which I dare not repeat. HARDY He objects to me? [Indignant and surprised} HENRIETTA He told me only yesterday that I must never marry you. [40] The Sultan of Sulu HARDY But I had not proposed to you yesterday. HENRIETTA True, but I knew what was coming. I have been en- gaged many times, and I notice that the man who intends to propose acts very strangely for a day or two in ad- vance. So I went to father and said: "Lieutenant Hardy is about to propose to me." HARDY Whereupon he said HENRIETTA "My child, never marry a Regular. There are no heroes except in the Volunteer service. The Volunteer goes home and is elected to Congress. The Regular keeps right ahead, a plain fighting man." HARDY Plain fighting man, perhaps, but even a plain fighting man may love, and I love you, Henrietta I love you as only a West-Pointer can love the one girl in sight. [Kisses her impetuously. HENRIETTA [Retreating the usual number of steps.] Lieutenant! Is it proper? [41] The Sultan of Sulu HARDY It is customary among engaged couples. And we are engaged, aren't we? HENRIETTA Yes, I suppose we are in a sort of a way. HENRIETTA AND HARDY "ENGAGED IN A SORT OF A WAY" HARDY Sweetheart, doubt my love no more; Believe me, I'm sincere. I love no other on this tropic shore; You're the only girl that's here. HENRIETTA Lieutenant, I cannot withstand A man who pleads like you; So here's the promise of my heart and hand, At least for a month or two. HARDY We are engaged in a sort of a way. HENRIETTA And we will truly love each other. [42] The Sultan of Sulu HARDY Though it may chance there will soon come a day When I can learn to love another. HENRIETTA I take this man on probation. HARDY And I will take her just the same. BOTH For it is simply a slight variation Of the same little flirting game. HENRIETTA Marriage is a doubtful state. I think of it with dread. Still, an engagement need not indicate That we really mean to wed. HARDY Henrietta, you are quite correct. I have been engaged before. Frankly, I'll tell you, also, I expect That /'// be engaged some more. HARDY We are engaged, etc. [43] The Sultan of Siilu [The waltz refrain continues. HARDY and HENRI- ETTA waltz away as Ki-RAM comes out of the palace, followed by PAMELA FRANCES JACKSON. KI-RAM is greatly interested in the waltz. As HARDY and HENRIETTA disappear he turns and puts his arm around PAMELA, and they execute a waltz charac- terized by activity rather than poetry of motion. At the conclusion, KI-RAM is somewhat "blown" but altogether delighted. KI-RAM Oh, my! Pamela, that is simply hilarious. What do you call that? PAMELA It is called a waltz, your Majesty. KI-RAM Well, it may not be proper, but it is enjoyable. PAMELA It is quite proper, I assure you. KI-RAM Is it ? I had no idea that anything as pleasant as that could be proper. [He wraps his arm about her.] Pamela, I suspect that we are going to be very jolly playmates. [44] The Sultan of Sulu PAMELA Your Majesty! [She is horrified at his presumption.] KI-RAM What is it? PAMELA Your arm! KI-RAM Yes what about it? PAMELA You have your arm around me. KI-RAM I know it. You said it was proper. PAMELA It is proper, when we are moving about. As a stationary form of amusement, I am afraid it would cause comment. KI-RAM All right ! Let's move about. Anything to be civilized. [He does a few eccentric dance steps without releasing his hold on PAMELA.] PAMELA Why, your Majesty, how strangely you act! [Breaking away from him.] [45] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM Pamela, when I first saw you, do you know, I was not particularly attracted to you. But now now [He approaches her and she retreats. He pauses and reflects.] I wonder if that cocktail had anything to do with it. PAMELA Cocktail? [Surprised and pained.] KI-RAM When the Colonel took me aside in there he said he was going to make me acquainted with one of the first blessings of civilization. He told me that the constitution and the cocktail followed the flag. Then he gave me an amber- colored beverage with a roguish little cherry nestling at the bottom. And, oh, little friend, when I felt that de- licious liquid trickle down the corridors of my inmost being, all the incandescent lights were turned on and the birds began to sing. I felt myself bursting into full bloom, like a timid little flower kissed by the morning sunlight. So I ordered two more. PAMELA Three cocktails! Oh! KI-RAM I've had three, and I wish I'd made it thirty-three. I believe I'll climb a tree. You pick out any tree around here and I'll climb it. [46] The Sultan of Sulu [Unable to control his joyous emotions, he begins to run around in a circle until stopped short by PAMELA, who is determined to be severe with him. PAMELA Your Majesty, a little bit of advice! Beware of the cocktail. [She sits on one of the stools.] KI-RAM Beware of nothing! I'm going to drink cocktails all day and waltz all night. I'm going to be so civilized that people will talk about me. Pamela, Pammy [seats him- self beside her], did you ever think you would like to live in a palace and have Sultana printed on your visiting-cards ? [GALULA comes on and begins to fan from behind. PAMELA Perhaps I have had my little ambition. Who hasn't? KI-RAM Well, I think I can fix it for you. Of course [He pauses, full of suspicion. To PAMELA] Do you feel a draught? [Turns and sees GALULA.] Oh-h! Galula, ac- cording to the Ladies' Home Journal, it is not considered good form for a wife to hang around when her husband is proposing marriage to another lady. [GALULA exits, much disheartened} Sometimes I am almost sorry I mar- ried that one. [47] The Sultan of S^llu PAMELA [Aghast.] Is she your wife? KI-RAM You don't think I would be so impolite to a lady who was not my wife, do you? PAMELA And she is your wife? KI-RAM She's one of them. PAMELA One ! KI-RAM I have eight. PAMELA Right ! [Rising and shrinking from him.} KI-RAM Eight or nine, I forget which; I have them coming and going all the time. PAMELA Eight wives already, and you [he arises and retreats] [48] The Sultan of Sulu you dare to make this scandalous proposition, and to me to me! KI-RAM You didn't expect to have me all to yourself, did you? PAMELA Colonel! Colonel! [Calling.] KI-RAM Sh-h! I'll take it back honestly, I will. PAMELA Colonel! KI-RAM Say, what's the matter with you? Can't you take a joke? [BuDD comes from palace. BUDD My dear Miss Jackson, what is the matter? KI-RAM Don't believe a word she tells you. PAMELA Colonel, this barbarian has had the monumental effron- tery to ask me to join his harem. * [49] The Sultan of Sulu BUDD Wha-a-a-t ! KI-RAM It was your fault you gave it to me with a cherry in it. PAMELA [To KI-RAM.] Silence! [To BUDD.] I know that at one word from me you would run this contemptible foreign person through and through. But I do not ask it. I can execute my own revenge for this hideous insult. To-morrow I am to be Judge- Advocate. Then shall the law deal with this miscreant. To-morrow you you [PAMELA enters palace greatly agitated. BUDD Your Majesty, why why did you propose marriage to Miss Jackson? KI-RAM Do you know I'm beginning to ask myself that question. BUDD Didn't I tell you, sir, that / intended to marry her? KI-RAM That's it ! I knew she was engaged to you, and therefore I argued that she could not possibly marry me, so I would ts] The Sultan of Sulu not be taking any chances in proposing. What do you suppose she is going to do to me? BUDD I suspect, sir, that as Judge- Advocate she is going to compel you to give up those eight wives. KI-RAM [Much pleased.] I'm going to get rid of Galula at last! Colonel, I want to celebrate. Let's go into the palace and drink three more of those things that follow the flag. BUDD You will excuse me if I don't refuse. [They start tow- ards palace. HENRIETTA and HARDY stroll on, in loving attitude; BUDD sees them; stands on steps watching them. KI-RAM enters palace.] Henrietta, once more I must re- mind you that you are the daughter of a military hero who expects to go to Congress. Come. [HENRIETTA starts towards him, regretfully. At the palace steps she turns and throws a kiss to HARDY and exits after BUDD. HARDY By George! I thought this being engaged would prove a lark. It's serious business. I wonder if Henrietta really loves me. If I but knew. The Sultan of S^llu [HARDY enters palace. School-ma'ams enter, followed by a flock of wives, natives, and soldiers. ALL Give three cheers for education Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Give three cheers for education Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Hurrah ! A tiger, too, for education. How we love our teachers dear! An attractive aggregation From the Western Hemisphere. Give three cheers Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Hurrah ! [PAMELA comes from the palace and stands on the top step, regarding the educational movement with a smile of gratification. PAMELA I am glad to see that the school has opened with so much enthusiasm. I will grant a short recess, as I have some- thing of great importance to communicate to the wives of Ki-Ram. NATIVE WOMEN AND SOLDIERS [Singing as they march away. Oh, the knowledge we are gaining In our little school! The Sultan of Sulu Modern methods they're explaining In our little school! We shall learn, from day to day, What to do and what to say, In the truly Newport way, In our little school! [PAMELA beckons the wives to her. PAMELA I have good news for you. Ki-Ram is no longer your husband. WIVES No-o-o? PAMELA The new law allows a man but one wife. You shall be divorced to-morrow. If the Governor objects, he can then be imprisoned for bigamy or, rather, octagamy. If he consents, then he will have to pay alimony to allVf you. MAURICIA What is alimony? PAMELA Pin-money, my child plenty of it. You are to be free and have plenty of spending-money. That is usually a novelty for a married woman. By -the -way, Didymos! [53] The Sultan of Sulu Rastos! [The two slaves approach.] You are slaves no longer, but free citizens of Sulu. Serve the Governor, if you choose, but compel him to pay union wages and tip you liberally. You understand? [She enters palace. CHIQUITA To-morrow we shall be American grass - widows. Now for the soldiers. PEPITA We must be careful. CHIQUITA Nonsense! We have nothing to fear from these gentle strangers after being courted by Sulu sweethearts. CHIQUITA AND WIVES, DIDYMOS AND RASTOS . * "MY SULU LULU LOO" In Sulu once there lived a belle Whose winning ways had cast a spell Upon a chief of great renown He was smitten sore. He followed her both night and day; He tried to steal this girl away; [54] The Sultan of Sulu And underneath her window he Repeated o'er and o'er: REFRAIN Lulu, you're my Sulu Lulu Loo! Lulu, do take pity on me, do! I want no one else but you! Lulu, you're my Sulu Lulu Loo! If she went out to take a stroll, This palpitating, eager soul Would wave his snaky knife at her, Saying, "Fly with me!" In jungle deep she thought to hide, Since she could not become his bride, When all at once she heard this song From out a bamboo-tree: REFRAIN Lulu, you're my Sulu Lulu Loo, etc. [CHIQUITA, DIDYMOS, RASTOS, and wives exeunt with dance as Ki - RAM enters with the four school- ma'ams. He has two on each side and is making a sincere effort to embrace all four at the same time. Ki-RAM Why not? I think you might to oblige a friend. [55] The Sultan of Sulu Young ladies, I have only eight. I need some blondes to help out the color scheme. I've fallen into the habit of marrying nearly all of the ladies I meet. A SCHOOL-MA'AM We didn't come over here to marry. We are interested in education. KI-RAM Married life is an education. [A blare of trumpets. BUDD, HADJI, DINGBAT, DIDYMOS, and RASTOS come from palace. The natives kneel, and one of the slaves advances tow- ards KI-RAM a silken pillow on which is a shaggy silk hat of the kind seen at State conventions. KI- RAM is mystified. He looks at the hat. KI-RAM What's that? BUDD The insignia of your new office. KI-RAM [Picking it up to examine it.] My! My! What is it animal, vegetable, or mineral? BUDD It is called a hat. This is the kind worn by all Governors. [56] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM With the fur rubbed the wrong way? BUDD A true statesman invariably has the fur rubbed the wrong way. HADJI [Announcing.] They are coming for the inaugura- tion. BUDD [To KI-RAM.] Did you hear that ? Get ready. KI-RAM Colonel, there is only one thing that will get me ready. BUDD And what is that? KI-RAM You know it has a cherry in it. [They hurriedly enter palace. Volunteers, marines, fij 'e - and - drum corps, wives, natives, and various members of the American party enter from right and left and mass in front of the palace. [57] The Sultan of Sulu CHORUS CHORUS TO THE GOVERNOR Ki-Ram, the new-made chief! Our ruler democratic, From recent state of grief, Transferred to bliss ecstatic. Forgetful of his scare And its attendant pallor, he Accepts this job, so fair Also the salaree! [BUDD comes from palace and takes his place in front of the soldiers. Ki-RAM comes to the palace steps, proudly exhibiting the hat. KI-RAM No crown for me of ordinary gold; A Governor I'm to be, and I've been told That this, which the Colonel calls a hat, Is the proper gear for a democrat. BUDD 'Tis emblematic, chaste, and pat, He's proud to wear a hat like that. [Ki-RAM comes down and faces the assemblage. He puts on the hat, which falls over his ears. [58] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM [Recitative.] How do I look? ALL Glorious ! Wonderful ! What do you think of that? Could anything excel The simple beauty of a hat? [The boom of a cannon is heard. A sergeant lowers the Sulu flag from the tall pole in front of the palace. HARDY Let all at strict attention stand, The blessed moment's nigh, When o'er this liberated land The stars and stripes shall fly. [Another gun salute. The stars and stripes break from the top of the flag-staff to the music of "The Star -Spangled Banner." A roll of drums, and HENRIETTA enters and comes down front. HENRIETTA If I would be a soldier's bride, I must not grieve, whate'er betide, But laugh the tear-drops from my eye, And cheerily wave the last good-bye. [59] The Sultan of Sulu And every girl who's left behind Civilian love will spurn; For never a one will change her mind Till the Volunteers return. ALL March, march, hearts are light, Step with jaunty pride To the fight! To the fight! Where each may win a bride. For they know the girls they're leaving behind All civilian love will spurn, And never a one will change her mind Till the Volunteers return. [During this chorus Ki-RAM, on the palace steps, con- sumes many cocktails brought to him by DIDYMOS and RASTOS. At conclusion of the chorus all turn and salute the flag. CURTAIN ACT II SCENE. The hanging garden of the palace. A half - open apartment. The architecture is gorgeous and Oriental. Free entrances up stage at right (the left, as one faces the stage), and also down stage at right, are supposed to lead to outer stairways. Up stage at left is a boxed- in stairway leading down to Ki - RAM'S sleeping apart- ment. At left, and down stage (that is, towards the footlights), is a broad stairway leading to the second floor of the palace. Beyond the fanciful turrets and minarets may be seen the tropical vegetation, and beyond that the placid sea. At the rise of the curtain, native men and women are gathered on the stage singing a restful lullaby to GOVERNOR KI-RAM, who is over- sleeping himself in the apartment below. LULLABY CHORUS Slumber! Slumber! Forgetting, while you sleep, Small and great affairs of state While we our vigil keep. Slumber on! No cares encumber One who's lost in peaceful slumber. [61] The Sultan of Sulu Slumber! Slumber! Forgetting, while you sleep, Small and great affairs of state While we our vigil keep. [They withdraw quietly, still singing softly, and Ki- RAM comes from below. He wears a suit of pajamas of exaggerated pattern. His head is wrap- ped in a large towel. He carries in one hand a water pitcher and in the other the silk hat presented by the government at Washington. He moves slowly and dejectedly, and the expression on his face is one of extreme misery. He squats and removes the towel from his head, dips it into the ice-water, and holds it against his throbbing brow. Presently he lowers it with a heaving sigh, and discovers several specimens of the insect creation moving about on his person and disporting in his immediate vicin- ity. He battles with them for several moments, and then breaks into doleful song. KI-RAM R E M O R S E " The cocktail is a pleasant drink; It's mild and harmless I don't think. When you've had one, you call for two, And then you don't care what you do. The Sultan of Sulu Last night I hoisted twenty-three Of those arrangements into me. My wealth increased, I swelled with pride, I was pickled, primed, and ossified; But R E M O R S E! The water wagon is the place for me. I think that somewhere in the game I wept and told my real name. At four I sought my whirling bed; At eight I woke with such a head! It is no time for mirth and laughter, The cold, gray dawn of the morning after. I wanted to pay for ev'ry round; I talked on subjects most profound; When all my woes I analyzed, The barkeep softly sympathized. The world was one kaleidoscope Of purple bliss, transcendent hope. But now I'm feeling mighty blue Three cheers for the W. C. T. U! R E M O R S E ! Those dry Martinis did the work for me; Last night at twelve I felt immense, To-day I feel like thirty cents. My eyes are bleared, my coppers hot, I'll try to eat, but I cannot. The Sultan of Sulu It is no time for mirth and laughter, The cold, gray dawn of the morning after. [JoNES appears on the landing up stage and looks at the suffering executive, then comes towards him JONES Governor, this isn't right. Remember, I've insured your life for fifty thousand pesos. KI-RAM Jones, civilization may be all right, but I took too large a dose right at the start. And you know that hat? [He puts it on. It is many sizes too small.] The constitution, the cocktail, and the katzen jammer follow the flag. JONES A bit of advice. If you had too many cocktails last evening, take one or two this morning. [He gives a signal. DIDYMOS and RASTOS, smartly attired as waiters, come on and await orders. KI-RAM The American practice? JONES It is especially among politicians. [DIDYMOS and RASTOS do an impertinent break- The Sultan of Sulu down, and crowd upon Ki-RAM, who indignantly resents their familiarity. JONES restrains him. JONES Governor, be careful. You are now an office-holder. This is the president and vice-president of the waiters' union. You can't afford to antagonize the colored vote. I'll attend to them. [Goes over to DIDYMOS and RASTOS and bows humbly.} Gentlemen, if you will be good enough to prepare for us a few pick-me-ups we shall esteem it a personal favor and remember you with the usual piece of silver. [They break and exeunt} Governor, I am here to announce the first review of the imperial troops. KI-RAM The imperial troops? JONES They landed here yesterday as soldiers of a simple re- public. To-day they are soldiers of the new empire. As such they have assumed an imperial splendor. KI-RAM I suppose you provided the uniforms? JONES I did. By- the- way [taking paper from pocket}, a few ar- ticles selected by your wives. 5 [6 S ] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM [Taking the paper.] What's this? JONES The bill. KI-RAM [Reading.] Eight morning gowns, eight afternoon gowns, eight evening gowns, eight night eight suits of silk pa- jamas Look here, sir. This is a terrible thing to bring around before breakfast. [With increasing dismay] Eight diamond tararums, eight automobiles, eight picture-hats, eight straight-fronts, eight habit-backs, eight rats Rats ! What can they do with rats? [HARDY enters at right. JONES I'll explain. A rat KI-RAM You needn't explain, I've been seeing them all morning blue ones with acetylene eyes. HARDY [Saluting} Governor! [They turn.} Governor, the Im- perial Guards are approaching. KI-RAM Oh, very well. Jones and I are going into the life- saving station for a few moments. [66] The Sultan of Sulu [Ki-RAM and JONES go into ike palace as wives and other natives come flocking on, cheering for the Imperial Guards, who march in from the right, under command of COLONEL JEFFERSON BUDD, and escorted by the fif e - and - drum corps and the school-ma'ams. The Imperial Guards wear elab- orate and costly uniforms of white and gold, with top-boots, plumes, and helmets. The COLONEL'S uniform is especially magnificent. SONG OF THE IMPERIAL GUARDS We are troops of the twentieth century kind, With our gaudy colors brightly flashing; The pride and the joy of our native land For the records we are smashing. Our former isolation makes us smile, sir, We've learned to sing a different tune, It may keep us busy for a while, sir, But we shall come to like it soon We'll come to like it soon! We'll come to like it soon! BUDD Imperial Guards! This is a proud day for all of us. I have wanted to wear this kind of uniform ever since I was a boy in Arkansaw and felt my pulse leap at the stirring measures of the grand old "Jay-Bird." The Sultan of Sulu BUDD AND CHORUS "JAY-BIRD" BUDD When I was a boy in Arkansaw, I worked in a hat and cap emporium. REFRAIN Umpalorium ! Umpalorium ! Hat and cap emporium! BUDD After that I studied law, But I longed for a soldier's life, And my heart would bound At the martial sound Of the drum and the piercing fife. Hark to the strains, so clear and loud! Along the street a cheering crowd; The sweetest music ever heard The thump and tootle of the old "Jay-Bird." REFRAIN Hark to the strains, etc. BUDD I've heard the Nibelungenlied, And all the gems of Cavalleria. [68] Sultan of Sulu REFRAIN Cavalleria ! Cavalleria ! Gems of Cavalleria! BUDD They're rather tuneful, I'll concede, But, to swell a colonel's chest, They will not compare with the swinging air That I always have loved the best. REFRAIN Hark to the strains, etc. [At conclusion of the song the Imperial Guards break ranks and hurry to the wives and native women, with whom they are becoming well acquainted, this being their second day on the island. BUDD Make ready to receive his Excellency. [All move into lines, facing the broad stairway at left. A roll of drums. DIDYMOS and RASTOS come down stairway and salaam to the left. HADJI, at the top of the steps, announces the approach of the executive. HADJI The Governor! The Sultan of Sulu [Ki-RAM, in a gaudy native costume, comes down the steps very nimbly and acknowledges the deferential salute. KI-RAM Good-morning, troops! [Sees BUDD and is staggered by the glory of his apparel. In the mean time PAMELA, wearing a Portia cap and gown, and very much on her official dignity, has entered from the right. KI-RAM addresses BUDD.] My! My! Colonel, you are without doubt the handsomest man I [PAMELA interrupts. PAMELA Governor Ki-Ram! KI-RAM Oh-h! Here she is again. I don't believe I'm going to like her very well. PAMELA I have granted divorces to seven of your wives. KI-RAM Oh, very well! PAMELA The court holds that you may keep one. [70] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM One! Oh, say, Judge, let me keep two; now, don't be stingy. Let me keep two little ones instead of one big one. PAMELA You heard the law one. KI-RAM Much obliged. I suppose I can keep house with only one. It has been done. PAMELA I suggest that you select that unhappy creature who is to remain under your roof. Am I right, Colonel? BUDD Quite right, Judge. [BUDD and PAMELA exeunt to the right. KI-RAM [Calling after her.] You have a pleasant way of putting it. [He turns to the wives, who are hobnobbing with the soldiers.] Mrs. Ki-Ram, step forward. [The wives leave the soldiers and stand in a row, looking at him with saucy indifference. He is serious] Ladies, you are about to lose a good thing. [They burst into laughter and return to the soldiers] I am glad to see that you bear up under the grief. Now for the sad farewell. Which one shall The Sultan of Sulu I keep? [HENRIETTA appears on the landing up stage. She wears a most fetching summer gown and a sweepy hat. She carries an arm-load of fresh flowers. KI-RAM gazes at her in speechless admiration and is struck by a sudden in- spiration.} The American girl ! Why not? [To the wives} I've made up my mind. I'll not keep any of you. Ladies, you are free. [They rush to the arms of the soldiers, with exclamations of delight} Leave your keys at the office as you pass out. [Then Ki-RAM approaches HENRIETTA, who has sauntered down stage. He leans over her shoulder and addresses her -flirtatiously} Linger here after the others go; I have something to tell you. [To the others} Ladies and gentlemen, I shall not detain you longer. [All except KI-RAM and HENRIETTA romp away, the soldiers and native women paired off. HENRIETTA seats herself on a low stool and calmly awaits developments. Ki-RAM approaches her, beaming and struggling with pent-up emotion} In the ex- citement of being inaugurated and granting all those di- vorces, I fear that I have overlooked you darling! HENRIETTA Darling? Isn't this rather sudden? KI-RAM Not for me. HENRIETTA Before you go too far, I want to give you warning. As [72] The Sultan of Sulu you are a titled foreigner, you have a right to know it. I am an American girl, but not an heiress. KI-RAM Henrietta, you wrong me. I am Sulu, not English. HENRIETTA Very well, go ahead. KI-RAM Henrietta, it appears that I am entitled to only one wife. Having been married to sixty-odd already, I feel that I can justly claim to be a connoisseur. It may flatter you to learn that you suit me. You are my first choice, and there is no second. You are it. Oh, Henrietta! Oh, Henry Henny Hen ! I love you with an equatorial passion that no thermometer can register. [He falls on his knees and attempts to embrace her. She breaks away from him. HENRIETTA But I am more or less engaged already. KI-RAM Which more or less? HENRIETTA I mean that I am engaged in a sort of way. [73] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM What you mean to say is that you're engaged, but you're not sure that it's going to take. HENRIETTA That's it. KI-RAM Oh, Henrietta, I don't know who the other fellow is, but his love is a cheap rhinestone imitation compared to mine. KI-RAM AND OTHERS "SINCE I FIRST MET YOU" KI-RAM [Singing to HENRIETTA] I am a dashing, gay Lothario; I've a reputation as a gallant beau; Courting pretty girls is a habit hard to break; I'm a bold coquette and rather reckless rake. I've told my love to many a girl, But never a word was true, For my passion intense, it was a mere pretence Until I encountered you. REFRAIN Since I first met you, Since I first met you, [74] "SINCE I FIRST MET YOU " Mr. Moulan as KI-RAM and Miss Berri as HENRIETTA BUDD The Sultan of Sulu The open sky above me seems a deeper blue; Golden, rippling sunshine warms me through and through, Each flower has a new perfume, Since I met you! I've been courting many, many times; In the most exclusive circles I'm a pet Writing little notes and inditing tender rhymes To the maids of every station that I've met. I've sworn that each was my first love, But never a word was true, For I never knew bliss of a kind like this Until I encountered you. REFRAIN Since I first met you, Since I first met you, The open sky above me seems a deeper blue; Golden, rippling sunshine warms me through and through, Each flower has a new perfume, Since I met you! [As he starts to repeat the refrain, HARDY is heard singing it outside. HARDY saunters on and HEN- RIETTA hurries to him. The two look into each other's eyes and sing the refrain with much feeling, while Ki-RAM looks on, crushed. As they con- clude, the same refrain is heard off at the left, and [75] The Sultan of Sulu JONES comes down ike stairway, singing to CHI- QUITA. While Ki - RAM is staring at them and trying to comprehend this new outcropping of the American invasion, BUDD and PAMELA come on from right and join in the tender refrain. After which, various wives and soldiers appear as loving couples, and "Since I first met you" becomes a general chorus of love-making, the climax of which is reached when HADJI brings GALULA on. All the others stroll away, still singing the refrain, and Ki-RAM is left alone, bewildered and dismayed. He can think of but one relief for the painful situation. KI-RAM To the life-saving station! [Starts to exit left, when PAMELA, entering from right, calls to him. PAMELA Aha! Viper! There you are! KI-RAM Viper? She is referring to me. PAMELA You have exceeded your authority. You cannot divorce all of your wives. You must keep one. [76] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM [A horrible suspicion dawning upon him.} Which one? PAMELA The one you married first of all Galula! [Ki-RAM emits a groan of mortal agony} She is a good soul. [HADJI enters, carrying a volume of Arkansaw law. KI-RAM Judge, I sometimes think she is too good to be true. PAMELA Now, then, in regard to the alimony. Private Secretary, read the section. HADJI Judge, I hate to read it to him he has a weak heart. PAMELA Go ahead! HADJI Well, here it is. [Reads] "When a divorce is granted, the wife is entitled to alimony equivalent to one-half of the income of the husband." KI-RAM [Stunned.] I don't understand. [77] The Sultan of Sulu PAMELA It means that each of your eight wives is entitled to one- half of your total income. KI-RAM Eight wives! Each entitled to one-half one-hof? PAMELA You heard the law. KI-RAM I don't believe I can manage it. PAMELA I'm sure you can't, and that is why I expect to have the pleasure of committing you to jail. KI-RAM What are you talking about? The brother of the sun and cousin to the moon locked up in a common jail? Ho! I laugh not boisterously, it is true, but still I laugh! Ha! Ha! PAMELA Private Secretary, read the second section. HADJI [Reading] "Take the whites of six eggs, beat to a froth, and add powdered sugar " [78] I The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM Hold on! What's that? HADJI That's not right. Judge, you have been filing your recipes in here. Here it is. [Reads] "If a husband fails to pay alimony at the time and place designated by the court, he may be committed to the county jail to the county jail." KI-RAM I heard you the first time. PAMELA At five o'clock, Ki-Ram, you pay four times your income for this month or to jail you go. This is my revenge for the insult of yesterday. KI-RAM Well, there's nothing the matter with it. PAMELA At five o'clock! [She flaunts out, leaving GOVERNOR KI-RAM staring blankly into space. KI-RAM Isn't she the hasty Helen? [Looking after her.] You [79] The Sultan of Sulu can make it six o'clock if you like. The prison doors stand open invitingly, and over them is an evergreen motto reading as follows: "Welcome, little stranger." HADJI It's the law, Governor. KI-RAM How can a man pay out four times his income? HADJI It will be a difficult matter. KI-RAM Difficult! Say my income is ten thousand pesos a month. Each wife is entitled to one-half of that, or five thousand pesos. Eight wives forty thousand pesos. In order to keep out of jail I must raise forty thousand pesos. HADJI That's right. KI-RAM But look here. The moment I increase my income to forty thousand pesos, each wife is entitled to twenty thousand. Eight wives, one hundred and sixty thousand pesos. If by any miracle of finance I could get hold of The Sultan of Sulu that much money, then each of the eight would be entitled to eighty thousand. Eight times eight is eighty-eight eight times eighty - eight is eight hundred and eighty- eight thousand, and Oh, what's the use! I'm broke! And the more money I get the worse I'm broke. [Col- lapses.] HADJI You'll have to decrease your income. KI-RAM Even if I do decrease it, I am still required to pay four times as much as I can possibly get. Oh, Hadji, why did I ever hook up with that Ladies' Glee Club? I wish the Datto Mandi had them back again the whole seven. HADJI Your Excellency, that is the solution of the whole problem. KI-RAM What is? HADJI The Datto Mandi. He is still encamped outside the city. Why not permit^him to come in and recapture them ? If they disappear, then you can't be required to pay alimony to them. 6 8l The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM [A great light breaking in upon him.] Hadji , you have been drawing salary for seven years and this is the first minute you earned it. As Governor, I send that dazzling array of Imperial Guards over to the north wall to repulse an imaginary attack. Then the Datto Mandi can come in by the south gate and capture his nieces. Now, then, some one must get through the lines with a message to Mandi. Do you happen to know of a good, trustworthy man who fears no danger? HADJI Send Mr. Jones. KI-RAM No, we must have a brave man an intrepid character, a Hold on! I know the man. HADJI You do? KI-RAM Yes! He's a short, stout, thick man, with bushy eye- brows, and he wears a yellow raglan. HADJI I don't believe I know him. * KI-RAM It's you. The Sultan of Sulu HADJI Me! KI-RAM Don't say "me" say "I." Be grammatical, even if you are scared. [HADJI exits at left as BUDD and PAMELA come on from right, engaged in a business-like conversation. PAMELA If he fails to pay, Colonel, I shall expect the military to see that he is incarcerated. KI-RAM [Aside.] Somebody is talking about me. I can feel my left ear burn. BUDD The military will do its duty, Judge Jackson. KI-RAM [Addressing them defiantly] Don't you folks worry about me. I'll come out all right. I'm not the only man in the world that owes four times his income. But, Colonel, I have a feeling BUDD Yes? [83] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM That I loved not wisely, but too often. [He goes into the palace. BUDD gazes at PAMELA and evinces all the sentimental longing compatible with his dignity. BUDD Pamela! Pamela! PAMELA Judge, if you please. BUDD I was hoping to make this a love scene PAMELA If you wish to make love to me, come around after busi- ness hours. [She exits to right, haughtily, leaving BUDD rather ruffled. BUDD Very well, madam, if I find, after business hours, that I am still in love with you, you may expect me. [He starts away and encounters CHI QUIT A, who has tripped in, carrying a large cocoanut, with the original husk still intact. She holds it towards BUDD, who looks at it and is puzzled.] For me? [84] The Sultan of Sulu CHIQUITA For you, mighty warrior. BUDD What is it? CHIQUITA A cocoanut the first of the season. I want you to wear it next your heart. BUDD Next my heart? How romantic! Arise, Chiquita; now that you have been adopted by the administration at Washington, you must kneel to no one not even to me. [He puts his arm around CHIQUITA in a fatherly dem- onstration of affection. HARDY and HENRIETTA come on from right and catch the picture. HARDY AND HENRIETTA Oh! Oh! BUDD [Intensely annoyed} Why do you interrupt us just as she was becoming assimilated? HENRIETTA Father, your blessing. [85] The Sultan of Sulu BUDD Why a blessing? HARDY We are engaged. BUDD What! Again? HENRIETTA Father, don't be unreasonable. You know I'm not happy unless I'm engaged to some one. BUDD [Striking an oratorical pose.] Fifteen years ago, when your sainted mother was alive, I promised her that I would watch over you [HENRIETTA puts her hand on his arm. HENRIETTA Father, wake up! BUDD Well, what is it? HENRIETTA If you object, say so, but please don't make a speech. [86] The Sultan of Sulu BUDD I do object. [To HARDY] Young man, why do you aspire to become the son-in-law of one who, when the call of duty sounded HARDY Good-day, Colonel. [Exits, right. BUDD Humph! Au revoir, Chiquita. Come, Henrietta. [He departs with his daughter, leaving CHIQUITA disconsolate. Ki-RAM comes from left and sees her. KI-RAM Ah, Chiquita, wife that was! [Embraces her.] Let's pre- tend we were never married. [She moves away from him, and he sings with feeling:] Since I first met you, Since I first met you, My whole existence seems to be a deeper blue; This assimilation process pains me through and through, For I've been up against it hard Since I met you. Chiquita, you and your innocent sisters are not safe here. There are too many things following the flag. [87] The Sultan of Sulu CHIQUITA "They never proceed to follow the flag, but always follow me." KI-RAM From "Tannhauser," I believe. Exactly what I mean. Why not go back to Parang? CHIQUITA And leave the dear Colonel? KI-RAM Take the dear Colonel with you and Galula. CHIQUITA Even with Galula on your hands, you advise other people to marry? KI-RAM I'll tell you after a man has been initiated, his only fun in life is to see somebody else get it. As for me, I am an expert on matrimony. I've made a study of women. I like you individually and collectively, but all of you have one fault. CHIQUITA What's that? KI-RAM You're always a trifle late. [88] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM AND CHIQUITA "ALWAYS LATE" KI-RAM See the lady at the station, Starting on a trip! In a state of perturbation, Slightly off her dip. CHIQUITA "All aboard!" she hears them calling, Then they ring the bell; While she starts in to count up all her parcels And to kiss her friends farewell. KI-RAM She tells each one good-bye, And then she starts to cry; The man who's at the gate Says, "Hurry, you'll be late!" [To be spoken. The bell is ringing outside, and KI- RAM, as gateman, is busily collecting tickets and crowding the passengers through the turnstile. Well, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye! Write, won't you? And don't forget to feed the bird. Where's my Oh, 7^ he Sultan of Sulu here it is! And, say, there was something else Oh yes, be sure and give the goldfish fresh water every day. I'll bet I've lost that parasol. I lose more parasols It just seems to me that I lose something every time I start to go anywhere. Oh, you've got it, have you? What was that other I remember now. Tell Laura that I left that dress-pattern in the upper left-hand drawer of my bureau Yes, where I keep the frizzes. And if any of the children get sick, telegraph me the first thing [whistle] and Oh, mercy! there goes my train. KI-RAM AND CHIQUITA Late! Late! Always late! Railway trains should learn to wait. They should take their time in starting, When a woman is departing, For she's always a trifle late late late She's always a trifle late. KI-RAM Guests assembled for the wedding Of a happy pair; Female friends their tears are shedding On the bride so fair. CHIQUITA 'Tis the moment for the entrance To the drawing-room, [90] The Sultan of Sulu But when the preacher's ready to begin the service, No one there except the groom. KI-RAM Mamma must hug the bride; Some fourteen friends beside Must smack her once again, And straighten out the train. [To be spoken while the orchestra softly plays wedding- march, to give effect of being played in an adjoining room. Oh, ma-mah, isn't it dreadful! But please don't carry on so. I'm not going far away. We'll come and see you every day. Where's my bouquet? Yes, yes, I'm coming Ethel, how does that veil hang? It feels all squidgy in the back. Gracious goodness ! There goes the music. Where's my bouquet? Why, I've got it, haven't I? Lordy, do you know, I never was so scared in all my life! This is my first time. I dare say that makes a difference. What's that? The others have gone in ? Jiminy crickets ! Where's my Ah, yes Louise, I'll bet I look as if I'd been cry- ing don't I, really? Well, here goes. Gee! look at all the people. This is the last time / ever get married. KI-RAM AND CHIQUITA Late! Late! Always late! Even Cupid learns to wait. The Sultan of Sulu There's no need to fuss and worry, Woman's never in a hurry, And she's always a trifle late late late She's always a trifle late. CHIQUITA When you're settled snug and quiet, To enjoy a play, Some one starts a small-sized riot In the main parquette. KI-RAM Seats are raised and seats are lowered, Ushers come and go, And what is taking place behind the footlights No one really seems to know. CHIQUITA To reach an inside seat, She walks on people's feet, And never seems to care, Though they may turn and stare. [Ki-RAM, on upper landing, impersonates the actor engaged in a serious and sentimental scene, while CHIQUITA plays the bustling lady who comes in at 9.05 and demoralizes the performance. [92] The Sultan of Sulu Oh, my! The curtain's gone up, hasn't it? I wonder if we missed anything. I don't s'pose we have, because the first part of a show never amounts to anything, any way . Oh, fiddle! See where our seats are! Why didn't you get aisle seats, Fred? I always want to sit in the aisle. Shall I go first? I wonder if these people are going to let us in. Oh, my! did you see the look that woman gave me? Come on ! We'll have to crowd in some way. Did you get any programmes? I wonder who that is on the stage now. I do hope Faversham hasn't been out yet. [A sub- dued " Sh-h-h!"] Well, what do you think of that? CHIQUITA AND KI-RAM Late! Late! Always late! Doesn't start till half-past eight. There's no need to fuss and worry, Woman's never in a hurry, And she's always a trifle late late late She's always a trifle late. [Dance. [At conclusion of dance, CHIQUITA exits and HADJI comes from the palace. Ki-RAM gives him the message to MANDI. KI-RAM Now all you have to do is to get through the lines and deliver that message to Mandi [93] The Sultan of Sulu HADJI They may shoot at me. KI-RAM If any one shoots at you, you dodge. [HADJI exits. KI-RAM calls after him} And tell Colonel Budd I want to see him. [Soliloquy} If he doesn't get through with that message, I have a panel photograph of little Bright Eyes doing a solitaire specialty in a cold-storage warehouse. [Enter BUDD.] Colonel, bring out your standing army, feathers and all. [Buoo gives signal and soldiers enter} What do you think? We're going to be attacked ALL Attacked? KI-RAM By the Datto Mandi this very afternoon. Colonel, my ad vice My! Colonel, you are one of the handsomest men BUDD [Impatiently} I know it! I know it! Proceed! KI-RAM My advice is to take all of these peace commissioners over to the north wall. Let them shoot at everything in sight, while I, being merely an office-holder, will take the [94] The Sultan of Sulu women into the palace grounds, near the south gate, so as to keep them out of danger. BUDD An excellent plan. KI-RAM [Solemnly.] And may Allah give you victory. [He summons the natives, who come in, followed by the Americans. CHORUS OF NATIVES Drive the foe into the sea! Allah! Allah! Strike for thee! Winds and furies, wild and free! Allah! Allah! Strike for thee! Allah il Allah! [BUDD and the other Americans listen to the chorus, and appear to be in pain. Evidently the Oriental music does not appeal to them. BUDD Stop it ! Stop it ! That is the worst I ever heard. What do you call it? KI-RAM It is our Sulu battle-hymn. We always sing that just before we fight. IPS] The Sultan of Sulu BUDD That's enough to make any one fight. KI-RAM I'm sorry you don't like it. It's very popular over here. JONES Popular ! Popular ! Would you like to hear some of the popular songs of a truly progressive and refined people? KI-RAM If it isn't too much trouble. JONES Very well, your musical education begins right here. We'll give you some of our characteristic numbers with the usual trimmings. [JONES gives a sheet to Ki-RAM and then comes down centre with the school-ma'ams. JONES Oh, sing no more of the crescent moon Above the mango-tree, Or of the bold and free monsoon That fans your local sea. I've something here of a classic turn Which you should learn to sing, [96] The Sultan of Sulu As true musicians you must learn To do this sort of thing. [He breaks into the familiar American song and dance with walk around. Rosabella, Rosabella Clancy, She has caught my idle fancy; Simply a stenographic girl, But a priceless princess and a pearl. Rosabella, Rosabella Clancy, She is ever bright and glancy, Cute, coquettish, song-and-dancey Rosabella, Bella Clancy. [All repeat, with dance. CHIQUITA The song they like the best of all For years has been the rage, Through spring and winter, summer, fall, At home and on the stage. A syncopated serenade, Beneath the lime-light's glow, About a dusky darky maid I'll show how it should go. [The music swings into a "coon" melody. The principals form a minstrel semicircle behind her. [97] The Sultan of Sulu Along about Thanksgivin', Away las' yeah, , A saddle-cullud Venus Come a visitin' heah; Miss Delia was de sistah Of Eldah Lucas Brown, An' de dreamies' dream Dat eveh struck dis town. I went to de cabin Where de Browns reside; I sang dis song As I stood outside: " Come to de cabin window, Delia, my gal; Two shiny eyes so bright! Come to de window, Delia, my gal, Two little specks ob white! Oh, Delia, I'd steal you, Delia, Steal you if I could; But, Delia, I'll be good. Come to de window, Delia, my gal, Heah in de pale moonlight!" [All repeat, "Come to de cabin window'' etc., with dance. Then Ki - RAM steps to the front with the sheet of music given to him by JONES. [98] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM I never heard such a song before, Or such a sprightly air; I'm much inclined to shout, " Encore!" I'm pleased beyond compare. And now I'll ask a chord in G For this sad roundelay, About the girl of Manistee Who up and went away. [He looks at the song, trembles with emotion, and is unable to proceed. KI-RAM Colonel, I can't sing this. It's too sad. BUDD Go on; try it. All true Americans love sad songs. KI-RAM Where is Manistee? BUDD In Michigan. KI-RAM That makes it sadder still. [Sings.] Oh, darling sister, come back to Manistee; Come back to Manistee; come right away! [99] The Sultan of Sulu For mother is waiting for you back in Manistee; Come back to Manistee; don't go astray! [At the conclusion he breaks down and sobs con- vulsively, while the entire chorus repeats the pathetic appeal with much feeling. After which Ki-RAM, BUDD, JONES, and DINGBAT sing it as a "close harmony" quartette the kind heard at amateur entertainments for the benefit of something. As they conclude, a rifle-shot is heard near at hand. The company is thrown into confusion, and Ki-RAM retreats to the palace. BUDD What's that? Are we attacked ahead of schedule time? [HARDY comes on from right. HARDY They have captured a man trying to get through the lines. [Two marines enter with HADJI between them. His garments are torn and he is badly mussed up. A NATIVE Why, it's Hadji! HARDY We found this. [He gives the intercepted message to BUDD. The Sultan of Sulu BUDD This looks suspicious, but I can't make it out. Will you translate it? [He hands it over to JONES, who, during the twenty- jour hours he has spent on the island, has mastered the Sulu language. JONES It is to the Datto Mandi of Parang. [Reads.] "The south gate of the city will be unguarded at four o'clock. Your eight nieces may be found in the palace garden." BUDD Why , this is treason ! Where is the Governor? [Ki-RAM comes from palace, practising the "Delia" dance. BUDD calls to him.] Governor! KI-RAM What's the matter, Colonel? BUDD We have captured a traitor. i KI-RAM A traitor? BUDD Yes look. [Ki-RAM sees HADJI and shows consternation. [101] The Sultan of Sulu JONES Read that. [Ki-RAM takes ike message and reads as he goes tow- ards HADJI.] KI-RAM North wall south gate isn't that terrible ? [To HADJI.] Oh, Hadji, you whom I have trusted you whom I have known since boyhood you in a conspiracy! How could you! [Chokes him.] Not a word! [Aside.] If he speaks, I'm lost. PAMELA The question is, who sent him with that message? KI-RAM That is the question, undoubtedly, "Who sent him?" [To HADJI.] Why didn't you swallow it? HADJI I couldn't. My heart was in my mouth. PAMELA Do you happen to know of any one who would like very much to see those young ladies disappear and never return ? KI-RAM Why, Judge, what do you mean? [To BUDD.] At least, Colonel, you don't suspect me ? [102] The Sultan of Sulu PAMELA Let the prisoner speak! KI-RAM No, I protest. He's a private secretary. I wouldn't believe him under oath. [The palace clock strikes, one two three four five. Ki-RAM listens apprehensively, flinching at each stroke. PAMELA Five o'clock! The alimony! KI-RAM [Helplessly.] Judge PAMELA As I suspected you can't pay. Very well, to jail with both of them. KI-RAM I think you are the meanest judge [Marines seize Ki-RAM and HADJI. PAMELA To jail! [They are marched away. BUDD summons LIEU- TENANT HARDY. The Sultan of Sulu BUDD Lieutenant Hardy, take a detachment. Bring in this Datto Mandi. If you capture him, my election to Congress will be assured. [HARDY salutes.] Fellow - citizens, the military will assume command. Until there can be an election by the people, I will be Governor of Sulu. CHORUS TO BUDD Loudly we shout, With unaffected din, Ki-Ram goes out And Budd comes in! Ki-Ram goes out And Budd, and Budd comes in! [Soldiers and all the others exeunt to the marching chorus, the wives and native women waving their good-byes. MARCHING CHORUS For they know the girls they're leaving behind All civilian love will spurn, And never a one will change her mind Till the Volunteers return. [As the chorus dies away, HENRIETTA comes from palace and crosses to the upper landing, mourn- fully watching the departure. [ 104] The Sultan of Sulu HENRIETTA Gone ! The only man I have loved this week ! The only lieutenant in the command! With what joy shall I await his return! [Sings.] "WHEN MAIDENS WAIT" When maidens wait for lovers far away How long each moment then! They sigh impatient through the lonesome day Sigh for the absent men! Sigh for the absent men! Yet this reflection cheers my woful plight And brings relief from pain The longer he's away, the more delight To see him back again! To see him back again! Since he departed I have drooped and sighed I wear a downcast air. My deep anxiety I do not hide It's noticed ev'rywhere! It's noticed ev'rywhere! A girl whose sweetheart to the war has gone A touching picture she! And yet the longer I am left alone The more concern for me! The more concern for me! The Sultan of Sulu [She enters ike palace. Ki - RAM and HADJI, in modified prison stripes, humanely cut on the even- ing-dress pattern, enter from right. Each has a heavy iron band padlocked about his waist, and they are chained together. A very tall and for- midable native guard accompanies them. They are exceedingly dejected. KI-RAM [To guard.] You tell the warden that we'll be back about nine o'clock, and tell him not to lock us out. [Guard exits. KI-RAM looks at HADJI.] You appear to be sad about something. HADJI I am sad. KI-RAM You appear to be very sad. HADJI The future seems quite dark to me. KI-RAM As for me, I'm a little discouraged about my future, more or less ashamed of my past, and not exactly delighted with my present. HADJI Only to think, branded as a criminal! [106] The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM Hadji, after having been a private secretary for years, I shouldn't think you'd mind a little thing like this. Be- sides, it's no disgrace to be a convict. Science has but lately discovered that crime is a disease. We are not really wicked ; we are full of microbes. HADJI It's a consoling reflection, isn't it? KI-RAM What's more, I have a plan. I find in that volume of Arkansaw law that when a divorced woman becomes des- perate and remarries, then the first victim doesn't have to pay any more alimony. HADJI Well? KI-RAM Shall I move in a portable black-board and diagram this for you? Don't you see that if I can induce those dreamy gazelles to commit matrimony, then I shall be free and can take my place as Governor once more ? HADJI What good will that do me? The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM After I am Governor once more, you apply for a pardon. HADJI And then? KI-RAM Then your application will be placed on file. HADJI After which? KI-RAM Nothing ever happens after an application is placed on file. HADJI I can't see that the situation is clearing up as far as I am concerned. KI-RAM You don't seem to understand. This plan of mine is intended to get me out of trouble. It's not any wide- spread, benevolent undertaking of a Carnegie character. It's simply a very foxy plan by which your uncle Ki-Ram is going to give the loud, metallic ha-ha to Hasty Helen. HADJI And what, oh Towering Intellect, is your plan? [Ki- RAM gives him a card, which he reads.] "Ki-Ram and [108] The Sultan of Sulu Hadji, matrimonial agents." Then I am a partner in the enterprise ? KI-RAM In order to get my parole, I had to bring you along, so I thought I might as well make you a partner. No one but a blacksmith can dissolve this partnership. [NATIVIDAD, one of the wives, comes from the palace and down the broad stairway. She is overwhelm- ingly attired in a Parisian gown, and has adopted a languid, society manner. KI-RAM [Gazing at her} Merciful Manila! See what she has been doing with my money! [He approaches her in the humble manner of a tradesman soliciting patronage.} Good- evening! Would you do me a slight favor? I want you to marry a NATIVIDAD [Haughtily.] Oh, really! [RAMONA, another wife, follows NATIVIDAD. She and the others, who come later, wear superb evening costumes. KI-RAM [To RAMONA, offering card.} Would you require any- thing in our line? [109] The Sultan of Sulu RAMONA I beg pardon, but have we met? KI-RAM We were married for a while, but, of course, that is a mere detail. [She passes on as MAURICIA comes down the steps. HADJI Oh, look at this one! KI-RAM [To HADJI.] Did you ever see so much alimony in one evening? [To MAURICIA.] We have in stock a choice assortment of husbands short ones, tall ones MAURICIA Indeed! [Passing on. SELINA approaches and KI-RAM bows to her. KI-RAM Madam, matrimony follows the flag. Our husbands are guaranteed SELINA What strange-looking creatures! KI-RAM And my money paid for it. [Looking at the gown. [no] THREE OF THE "AMERICANIZED" WIVES The Sultan of Sulu PEPITA follows, and he addresses her.] An American hus- band is a very convenient thing to have around the house. He is a permanent meal-ticket and can be taught to eat from the hand. PEPITA I should rather like to have one. [Passing on. HADJI That is the first ray of hope. [NATALIA enters. KI-RAM [To NATALIA.] Laura, why not? NATALIA My name is not Laura. KI-RAM Isn't it? Well, it's a wise husband that can remem- ber all of his wives. [She passes on and he continues to importune her] Madam, a husband can be thrown in with the lease and moved out with the furniture. Now [Sees CHI QUIT A, w ho comes with a -flourish of her -finery.] Oh-h-h-h ! CHIQUITA [Sweeping up and down to display gown] We are Americanized. The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM / am paralyzed. HADJI And I [looking at wives, who are disdainful] seem to be ostracized. KI-RAM You are simply undersized. That lets you out. CHIQUITA. As I live, it's that fellow Ki-Ram. KI-RAM Yes, ma'am, I am, I am Ki-Ram, and I'd like to say something to complete the rhyme. CHIQUITA [To the wives.] We must not be seen talking to any one below us in social station. KI-RAM This is one of the heaviest frosts ever known in the tropics. [BuDD and HENRIETTA enter together as KI-RAM continues to address the wives on the business proposition] Ladies, matrimony is an institution that no family should be without. True happiness [HADJI sees BUDD and HEN- RIETTA, and attempts to call KI-RAM'S attention to them. He [112] The Sultan of Sulu jerks at ike chain] true happiness [HADJI pulls the chain once more. Ki-RAM to wives.} Excuse me, I'm getting a cable message. HADJI The Colonel. [All wives except CHIQUITA exeunt as BUDD and HENRIETTA come down stage. CHIQUITA [Hurrying to BUDD.] Oh, Colonel! HENRIETTA [Seeing Ki-RAM in prison suit.} Governor! KI-RAM Henrietta, don't call me Governor! I am plain convict number forty-seven. The globule of merriment fastened to the other end of. this daisy chain is number forty- eight. Even my private secretary outranks me one point. Henrietta, help us. Every man likes to see his wife hap- pily married. I want these fairy fays to marry the soldiers. HENRIETTA I think that every girl should marry a soldier. KI-RAM Good! [Offering card to Colonel} Colonel! The Sultan of Sulu HADJI Colonel, we hope KI-RAM You keep still. You are the silent partner. [To BUDD.] Have a card. BUDD [Reading the card.] "Ki-Ram and Hadji, matrimonial agents. Husbands and wives supplied while you wait. Satisfaction guaranteed or goods will be exchanged." [To CHIQUITA.] That seems reasonable. KI-RAM Exactly. Our object in life is to make people happy, it being a well known fact that all married people are happy. [Aside.} Heaven help me! [To BUDD once more.] Take your case. There is Chiquita she loves you dearly. BUDD Really HADJI I should say so. Everybody in jail has been talking about it. KI-RAM Take a good look, Colonel. She's amiable, young, fas- cinating. I don't see how you can get along without her. The Sultan of Sulu BUDD Really I see no objection. [Enter HARDY. CHIQUITA Oh, Colonel! [BUDD and CHIQUITA embrace. HENRIETTA [Scandalized.] Father! KI-RAM [Delighted.} Too late! HARDY Colonel, congratulations on your wonderful victory. BUDD My wonderful victory. HARDY We have brought in the Datto Mandi. KI-RAM Mandi here? I'm going back to jail. HADJI But the matrimonial bureau? ["si The Sultan of S^llu KI-RAM That's so. HENRIETTA [To BUDD.] If you and Chiquita are to be married, why not Mr. Hardy and I? BUDD On various occasions I have KI-RAM Look out everybody, he's going to make a speech. BUDD I will permit you and the Lieutenant to stand up with me and Chiquita. [BuDD and CHIQUITA stroll up stage together, leav- ing HENRIETTA disconsolate. Ki - RAM beckons to her. KI-RAM Henny! Henny, come here! If you and this reckless youth wish to marry, cultivate Chiquita. Hereafter she will be the general manager of the Budd family. HENRIETTA I'll do it. [Goes over to CHIQUITA.] Chiquita! Or perhaps I had better learn to call you "mamma." [116] ' The Sty I tan of Sulu KI-RAM AND HADJI [Aside.] Mamma! [They dance with glee.} CHIQUITA What is it, my daughter? KI-RAM AND HADJI [Aside] Daughter ! [They embrace each other in rapt- ure] HENRIETTA [To CHIQUITA.] Come! Help me to select a nice soldier for each of your sisters. CHIQUITA Indeed I will. [To BUDD.] Star of my soul! [Looks at him tenderly and goes over to join HARDY and HENRIETTA.] KI-RAM [To HADJI.] Star of her soul! That's what she used to call me. BUDD [Cordially] Gentlemen, we seem to be threatened with an epidemic of marriages. HADJI It hasn't affected me yet. The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM Don't you worry I'm going to give you Galula. [To BUDD.] Colonel, do you know what I've been thinking about ever since I went to jail? BUDD [Interested.] Tell me. KI-RAM I forget the name, but it had a cherry in it. BUDD A cocktail! Come! [They start towards the palace. Ki-RAM finds him- self held back by the chain attached to HADJI. He is embarrassed. KI-RAM Colonel! BUDD Well? KI-RAM I don't like to ring any one in on you, but there are certain reasons why we shall have to take number forty- eight along with us. [Buoo shrugs his shoulders and exits.] About face! Forward, march! To the life-saving station ! [Ki-RAM and HADJI off left, keeping step. [118] The Sultan of Sulu HARDY [Looking at CHIQUITA.] Chiquita, simply marvellous! In two days you have become quite assimilated. Permit me. [Kisses CHIQUITA. Exclamation of surprise from HEN- RIETTA.] What's the matter? Haven't I a right to kiss my mother-in-law? HENRIETTA You have the right, but it is so unusual. HARDY And a charming mother-in-law, too. Only to think yesterday morning an untamed creature of the jungle, and now, thanks to our new policy, a genuine American girl. CHIQUITA Yes, a genuine American girl, for I'm going to get mar- ried right away. HENRIETTA AND CHORUS "FOOLISH WEDDING-BELLS" When you are feeling out of gear And blue as indigo, The world devoid of any cheer, Your spirits rather low, Now this is what you ought to do, and that without delay: Go seek the matrimonial mart get married right away. The Sultan of Sulu REFRAIN For men they come, and men they go, Don't wait until to-morrow; For those who wait too long may know A spinster's lot is sorrow. Shut your eyes; grab a prize; Choose a male at the bargain sale; To single joys your last farewells, And ring those foolish wedding-bells. [As she ^s singing the refrain, the wives and Imperial Guards come in, attended by pages who carry cushions. BUDD comes back from left and joins CHIQUITA. A stately dance follows the repeat of the refrain, at the close of which the men are kneeling on the cushions, each in front of the maiden of his choice. Ki-RAM and HADJI come from palace. HENRIETTA [To Ki-RAM.] I have arranged everything. KI-RAM Talk about your matrimonial jack-pots! Now, then, who's going to perform- the ceremony? HENRIETTA I have sent for the Judge-Advocate. [PAMELA enters and comes down centre. Miss Gertrude Quintan as CHIQUITA The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM Oh, fie, fury, fiddle, and fudge! [Falls in HADJI'S arms.} PAMELA Well, what is required? CHIQUITA [Mischievously and triumphantly.} We want to get mar- ried all of us. PAMELA Married! You, too, Colonel? BUDD [Embarrassed} I'm afraid so. PAMELA Oh, Colonel, how could you! [Signs of breaking down.] KI-RAM He couldn't, so we arranged it for him. PAMELA You arranged it? Aha! I see. [To the women} You have been deceived. [Men arise} WOMEN Deceived? [Pages remove cushions} [121] The Sultan of Sulu PAMELA Don't you remember what I told you? If you remarry, you lose all interest in the royal estates. Marry, and that moment you are paupers. CHIQUITA You forget. We are now American girls, and they never marry for money. [Ki-RAM and HADJI applaud loudly^ Begin the service PAMELA No! If you will not save yourselves, then I will save you. Listen to this order of the court. The divorced wives of Ki-Ram shall not marry within the year. [A general exclamation of disappointment. Soldiers embrace the wives sympathetically.] PAMELA [To KI-RAM.] Now, what do you say? Ki-RAM I don't dare to say it, there are ladies present. Have mercy, Judge. [She spurns him.} Have a card. [She looks at him contemptuously and stalks away, followed by the sorrowful couples, leaving Ki-RAM and HADJI alone with their misery. They squat at centre, utterly discouraged. The Sultan of Sulu KI-RAM Hadji, pull down the blinds. The matrimonial agency is busted. [GALULA slips on from left and stands behind him, gently fanning. He sits up, alarmed. Looks at HAD- JI.] Do you feel a draught? [Turns and sees GALULA.] Oh, Galula, don't you think I'm having trouble enough? [She exits to left, crestfallen, as the DATTO MANDI of Parang, a fierce and bearded warrior, brandishing a long sword, comes stealthily from right and approaches Ki-RAM.] HADJI I wonder what's going to happen next. [Ki-RAM sees MANDI and falls over in mortal terror. HADJI scrambles to the end of the chain. MANDI has his sword up and is about to despatch KI- RAM, when JONES comes on from right and stops him. JONES You mustn't kill this man. I've insured his life for fifty thousand pesos. [Loud cheering heard outside. KI-RAM, HADJI, and MANDI listen, surprised. HADJI What's that? [JONES runs up steps and looks out. The Sultan of Sulu JONES Aha! The campaign clubs are coming, and the two candidates for Governor. KI-RAM Candidates for Governor? JONES Certainly. Politics follows the flag. [More cheering. A crash of brass-band music, and a political parade comes into view. First, " The Sulu Democratic Marching Club" with a large banner. Soldiers, natives, wives, etc., march four abreast. Then the "Sulu Republican Marching Club," with banner, tin horns, badges, etc. The Democrats mass at the left, and Republicans at right. BUDD, PAMELA, HARDY, HENRIETTA, CHIQUITA, and JONES in the centre. DIDYMOS and RASTOS, in frock-coat costumes and tall hats, come down and do a lively dance. KI-RAM Colonel, what in the name of Aguinaldo does this mean? BUDD I will explain. When you went to prison, I, as military commander, became Governor pro tern., until the people could elect a new governor. The first political campaign The Sultan of Sulu is now in full swing. Permit me to introduce the Honorable Mr. Rastos, the people's choice, Republican candidate for Governor of Sulu. [Cheers and horn-blowing on the Re- publican side. RASTOS bows to the ovation, and then looks at KI-RAM scornfully.} And the Honorable Mr. Didymos, the workingman's friend, Democratic candidate for Gov- ernor of Sulu. [Cheers and horn-blowing on the Democratic side} HADJI [To KI-RAM.] What are we Populists ? KI-RAM No. We are Prohibitionists. Colonel! BUDD Well? KI-RAM Colonel, this is the final blow. Take me back to prison. Lock me in the deepest, darkest, dampest dungeon, and keep me there forever. [Boom of cannon heard. BUDD What's that? [Enter Soldier. The Siiltan of Sulu SOLDIER The despatch - boat has arrived with orders. [Gives official-looking paper to BUDD and one to HARDY.] HARDY [Looking.} What's this? [Reading.} " For bravery dis- played in the capture of the desperate and bloodthirsty Mandi, you are made a brigadier-general." HENRIETTA A brigadier-general! HARDY Yes! Of Volunteers, too! A hero at last! [He em- braces HENRIETTA.] KI-RAM A hero! Now he'll have to be investigated. BUDD [Looking at paper} Aha! This is important. [Reads} "The Supreme Court decides that the constitution follows the flag on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays only. This being the case, you are instructed to preserve order in Sulu, but not to interfere with any of the local laws or customs. [To soldiers} Release him ! He is no longer convict num- ber forty-seven. He is the Sultan! [The soldiers hastily remove the chains. One hands KI-RAM his royal Sulu head-gear. As he puts [126] The Sultan of Sulu it on there is a blare of trumpets. All the natives salaam humbly. DIDYMOS and RASTOS kneel in trepidation. KI-RAM swaggers back and forth in front of the assemblage. KI-RAM [To DIDYMOS and RASTOS.] You two statesmen hurry and get me a throne. CHIQUITA [Sadly.] And are we still your wives? KI-RAM Not if I can help it. You go to Parang with Mandi. CHIQUITA We don't want to go. KI-RAM I don't care where you go, but the alimony ceases. [He mounts an improvised throne at centre.] Judge Jackson! PAMELA [Coldly] Well, sir? KI-RAM Back to Boston! As for the brother of the sun, he will resume operations as the Sultan of Sulu. The Sultan of Sulu FINALE KI-RAM And this is why, you'll understand, I love my own, my native land, My little isle of Sulu! Smiling isle of Sulu! I wasn't ready to say good-bye, And I'm glad that I didn't have to die. [All repeat. CHORUS TO AUDIENCE Since we first met you, Since we first met you, The open sky above us seems a deeper blue; Golden, drippling sunshine warms us through and through, Each flower has a new perfume, Since we met you! 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