% J,- • i I lip/'' 1 / ' > n I / ^ 1.W Digitized by the Internet Arciiive in 2007 with funding from IVIicrosoft Corporation http://www.archive.org/details/adventuwonderfulOOpaxtrich • • ,« • HOW'S THE YALLER FEVER TUYARK, NOW? p. 217 • * « * • • • • • WONDERFUL ADVENTURES • ■ ' . OF CAPTAIN PRIEST OF BUT FEW INCIDENTS, AND NO PLOT IN PARTICULAR WITH OTHER LEGENDS . ^- ^ ' BY THE AUTHOR OF «*A STRAY YANKEE IN TEXAS." ^S^L-p^rUjtti CC^tA^^?^vJ tAAJ^^n^^j-^ti- / L REDFIELD, 110 AND 112 NASSAU-STREET, NEW YORK. 1855. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1855, ty J. S. REDFIELD, [n the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. ; PKEFACE To combine amusement with instruction, is said to be the legitimate province of the writer of fiction, but the Author regrets to announce that in the hurry of preparing his volume for the press, the instructive portion was entirely for- gotten until too late for this edition ; in fact, only thought of after the plate proofs were placed in his hand for final a revision. Then, oppressed by conscience, and a sense of his dereliction from duty, he rushed to the pub- lisher, and besought- the latter's concurrence in the only plan that seemed feasible in the prem- ises — to bind up with each copy, a popular treatise upon Geography, Grammar, or Ortho- graphy ; but, alas ! the covers for the present IV PREFACE. edition were already prepared, and it j^roved too late even for this. Each proprietor of this work is, however, at perfect liberty to send to the publisher, for an instructive volume of the kind above mentioned, if he chooses. Among the trifles that constitute the latter portion of this work, the general reader may occasionally recognize an old friend. In defence, the Author would say that, as some of these light affairs have flown so widely, and rested upon so many strange trees, he thinks they — like curses and chickens — had bet- ter come home to roost. The Author cannot close without returning his grateful thanks to his friends of the Press, for the great kindness with which they have hitherto treated A Stkay Yankee in Texas. CONTENTS. / ^ ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PRIEST. PAGE Pkkface, -, ---iii CHAPTER I Long Island Philologically Consideeed, - - - 9 CHAPTER II. The Bay, 13 CHAPTER III. Captain Job, 18 CHAPTER IV. The Sally Ann, and hee Ceew, ----- 25 CHAPTER V. De Omnibus Rebus, - - - - * - - - 30 CHAPTER VI. Et Quibusdam Alhs, Including the Histoey of Colonel Jenkins, and the Nuptials of Captain Job, - - 86 CHAPTER VII. Captain Job's "Women Folks, 42 CHAPTER VIII. Haeey Flint, 47 CHAPTER IX. Captain Job is " In foe it " at Last, - - - - 62 CHAPTER X. CONCEENING THE INCONVENIENCES OF BEING ToO " SmAET " Diagnosis of the Alabama Gentleaian's Case and the "" Oystee-Cuee — An Episode, - - - - - 59 J^ VI CONTENTS. CHAPTER XI. PAGE The " BuAG " City, and a Queer Cupid, - - - 66 CHAPTER XII. The Very Deuce to Pay — Job Proposes to the Maid, BUT Salutes the Widow, - - - - - 13 CHAPTER XIII. Which has nothing to do with the History, but contains AN Account of the Irish Hungarian and the Wrong Bell, 82 CHAPTER XIV. A Chapter of Accidents, - - - - - 90 CHAPTER XY. A Sporting Chapter, including a Race, a Swim, and also some account of Job's Pipe, and how he Enjoyed it, 98 CHAPTER XVI. On Day Break and the Hen Fever, - - - - 105 CHAPTER XVII. In which Harry is Rescued from the Pond, and goes a Fishing ; also, the Author's Personal Adventure in THE Fishing 'Line. 112 CHAPTER XVIIL In which Job Seeks what he does not Find, and Finds what he does not Seek, 120 CHAPTER XIX. In which Job Makes his Will, and his Crew take an Involuntary Plunge-Bath, - - . - - - 129 CHAPTER XX. From Codfish to Alligator-Gar, 139 CHAPTER XXL TuRTLiNG ; from Mud Turtles to Turtle-Doves, - - 148 CHAPTER XXII. In which Job Makes a Wonderful Discovery, - - 168 CONTENTS. Vll CHAPTER XXIII. PAGE Off at Last, and with one Hand on Board, not down in THB Shipping Papers, - - - - - - 1 67 CHAPTER XXIV. A I^EW " Road to Boston " — Pete Obeys Orders, and Plays the very D — l, 175 CHAPTER XXV. The Evaline Forsakes her Companion. — Job Afloat, like A Bear in a Wash-Tub, 185 CHAPTER XXVI. The End of the Tale, 192 LEGENDS OF CITY AND COUNTRY. LEGEND THE FIRST. How I Spoiled my Complexion — a Legend of the Country, 203 LEGEND THE SECOND, Captain Brown's Cigars— a Legend of South-Street, - 229 LEGEND THE THIRD. M. Hypolite's Single Adventure — a Legend of Front- Street, 236 LEGEND THE FOURTH How to Get Out of a Corner — a Legend of Wall-St., 244 LEGEND THE FIFTH. The Great Tautog — a Legend of Long Island, - - 253 LEGEND THE SIXTH. The Soldier and the Host — a Legend of the Middle Ages, - 263 LEGEND THE SEVENTH. , Mrs. Miller's Snuff — a Legend of Mount Olympus, - 267 Vlll CONTENTS. MIDSUMMER CHAPTERS. CHAPTER I PAGE A Chapter on Names, - 271 CHAPTER II. A Musical Language, 277 CHAPTER HI. A New Theouy of Quotations, 286 CHAPTER IV. A Chapter on Navigation, 291 CHAPTER V. Letter from a Poor Body in Distress, - - - 294 CHAPTER VL Wet Nurses to Order — a Fragment. - - - - 298 CHAPTER VIL An Intercepted Letter (Found upon the Battery), - 300 CHAPTER VIIL Serious Complaint against "Wit and Humor, (an Inter- cepted Letter evidently intended for Publication), 303 CHAPTER IX. Astronomy v?"ith Terrestrial Applications, *- - - 310 CHAPTER X. A Short Treatise upon Mythology, - "*• ' - - 315 CHAPTER XL Hints on Ornithology, 318 CHAPTER XIL On the Vegetable Kingdom. 820 CHAPTER Xin. Serious Thoughts upon Mother Goose's Melodies, - 323 CHAPTER XIV. Squizzletorius in Pumpkin-pie-dom — A Fragment after Caelyle, 330 CHAPTER XV. Quattlebum, 884 ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PRIEST. CHAPTEE I. LONG ISLAND PHILOLOGICALLY CONSIDERED. There is a certain terrene portion of the United States of America known upon the map as Long Island, and to sundry citizens of Gotham, who, to avoid the devastating heat, supposed to lay waste the city during the reign of Canis Major, fly to those equally intense, and far more imavoidable — as the Island. The more philosophic of the visitors, and the few natives who happen to be wide awake and possessed of thinking faculties, designate it usually as " Sleepy Long Island." Why it should be called an island, anybody owning the usual quantum of brains can discover at a glance, since it fully realizes Mr. Morse's idea of one, viz. " a body of land surrounded by Ifi LONCi |t&^;4l^ ■ PIIILOLOGICALLY CONSIDERED. .fea.ter ;/^ • biit 'wJ^'^itis called Long Island, to the prejudice of sundry and divers other narrow strips of earth similarly circumstanced, is a matter not so easily to be comprehended. Many an island is longer ; nay, many a one possesses a greater length in proportion to its breadth. As this is a subject that hitherto has never been fairly broached, or brought before the public, the writer feels no little delicacy, and perhaps some excusable pride in advancing his opinions upon it ; opinions the truth of which a minute study of the Island itself, and of the manners, customs, and modes of life of its inhabitants, has convinced him. Length is its internal peculiarity, as well- as ex- ternal characteristic ; everything in it is long — the men eat long, drink long, and sleej) long; the stages, before the innovations of the railroad, were universally known as Long Island rope-walks, and performed long journeys with long-winded horses^ terminating — not journeys, but horses — in long tails. They carried long lists of long-legged pas- sengers, generally from twenty to thirty — not in age but in number — who longed to be at their journey's end long before they arrived there. The news of the day is a long time indeed in travelling down upon Long Island. " A great fire in 'New York, and a great loss of life," as the newsboy hath it ; a steamboat disaster or railroad SOFT CLAMS WELL EMPLOYED. 11 collision, and nobody to blame ; the elopement of Mrs. So-and-so with her husband's dear friend, or of Miss WhatVher-name with her father's foot- man ; the demise of Smith Brown, Esq., the emi- nent and w^ealthy butcher, or the birth of anot4ier Victorian juvenile, under the conjoined auspices of Locock and Lilly, and other equally important and pleasing items, are telegraphed to JSTew Or- leans and St. Louis, and forwarded by express half way to Mexico or Santa Fe del Norte, long ere the people of Sleepy Long Island rub their eyes, until a state of semi- wakefulness being at- tained, they slowly open and prick up their ears to drink in the — to them — fresh intelligence. If the Long Islanders have any prominent and peculiar idiosyncrasy, it is the saltiness of their habits ; nor is it singular that this should be the case. Breathing from earliest infancy an air, im- pregnated with saline exhalations, they naturally turn their attention to the ocean and its products. It is said, and I see no reason for doubting it, that the protruding neck of a soft-shelled clam is as efficient an agent in quieting the yells of an infan- tile and refractory Long Islander, as ever was the bit of rag crammed w4th brown sugar, with which ordinary nurses are wont to fill the mouths, and still the troubled bosoms of more inland urchins, when the results of a slap on the slj may have 12 LONG ISLAND PHILOLOGICALLY CONSIDERED. compelled the attendants to stop the repeated squalls, and perchance lie too, as to the cause of them. The Long Islander, therefore, from the first, takes to the water as naturally as a spaniel ; he digs long clams with long-handled hoes, fishes up oysters with long-handled rakes, shoots ducks at long distances with preposterously long guns ; cuts long salt grass for his long-tailed horses and longer-eared mules; catches fish to manure his fields with long seines ; perchance ships for a voy- age, but it is always a long one after whales ; and after a long life is carried to his long home in a long two-horse wagon, followed by a long con- course of friends and neighbors. If I have not proved to the satisfaction of the reader that the term Long Island was worthily be- stowed, I have at least to my own, which, under the circumstances, is some consolation. CHAPTER II. THE BAY. On the northern shore of Long Island, an off- shoot or arm of the great Sound has deserted the main water, and forced its way far into the land, boldly and broadly at first, but perchance finding it had fallen upon a pleasant home, or it may be, fearing a sudden recall, and thinking that out of sight would be out of mind, it soon turned a short corner, and crept quietly away miles inland. Although now snugly hidden, its pulse still beats responsive to the parental throes, and though rushing lustily in now and again, as if it were about to march bodily over the land, and return by the shortest cut to repose once more upon the ever-yearning bosom of its grandmother, the Ocean, its strength is soon exhausted, arid at the word of command, the vagrant creeps quietly and timidly back again, like a dog with a depressed termination, to an ofiended and deserted master. This endless coming in and going out of so 14 THE BAY. great a body of water is a mine of wealth to the dwellers uiDon its shores, and in many ways do they reap great advantages from the restless ac- tivity of the Bay. The young flood makes his appearance gallantly garlanded with gay wreaths of algge, as for a nup- tial feast, and with impetuous ardor embraces his bride, the shore ; then, heartless Lothario that he is, troops off again, leaving her a true grass widow bedecked with weeds — weeds that are hastily gathered by the neighboring farmers, and thrown up into vast heaps to be converted in the great laboratory of Nature into oats and corn, wheat and rye. Then great shoals of inquisitive and ra- pacious fish flock in to pay a passing call, and A^ery often fail to make their w^ay out again, but find themselves promoted ere long to a situation upon a corn-hill ; and evidently displeased at the scaly trick, announce, in very plain English in- deed, that " the oflence is rank, it smells to hea- ven." The breezes of balmy morn, and the zephyrs of dewy eve, acting as general postmen, carry their plaints far and near, and every breath of air is redolent with anything but Sabsean odors. If this agent of fertilization is more peculiarly appli- cable to one plant than to another, we should give the palm to " summer savory," although an Ori- ental friend once sagely remarked that it smelt THE Ur TIDE TIED UP. 15 like " thyme." The men do not mind it much, but I attribute the petit nez retrousse^ so peculiar to Long Island belles, entirely to the wonderful airs these fish give themselves upon their appoint- ment to agricultural situations. The exodus of the water also discloses great mines of oysters, clams, and scollops, for human consumption, and quanti- ties of muscles, horsefeet, and fiddlers for porcine palates. Sometimes even this very inconstant dis- position of the tide is, by the cunning of man, seized upon and made to promote his ends in an extremely base and mechanical manner. When a small body has straggled off from the main array, and is established temporarily in a snug quarter, it often finds itself suddenly impris- oned and locked up, totally incapable of joining in the general retreat that has been sounded, and only able to escape by working a passage, and pay- ing the miller an outside toll in turning his wheel. Another and more important service yet, is the facility which it affords the small vessels of the Bay to discharge their cargoes of various kinds of manure, offal, and garbage, brought from the great city, to be here converted into grain, then into flour, pork, or beef, and then again returned, transmuted into red gold or pallid silver ; — 16 THE BAY. " promises-to-pay " upon paper not being much regarded by tbe matter-of-fact Long Islander. Docks are superseded, and every proprietor of a modern Argo brings her to an anchor at high tide opposite his farm ; and when the water has receded, drives up his wagon to her, heeled down as she is, and succeeds without difficulty in trans- ferring her cargo to the shore. It is a curious, although not very romantic sight, at low tide, this Bay that I am describing, with its wide-spread mud flats black as Erebus, its shores covered with sea-weed, and its disconsolate clams throwing up tiny jets d^eau — briny tears, superin- duced by their desolate and widowed condition — whole armies of fiddlers, uterque jparatus^ carrying aloft their one preposterously huge claw, a formi- dable weapon for its size ; and last, but not least, the stranded fleet of black-hulled, keeled-over vessels, exceedingly ugly, and not over-cleanly guardian angels of the soil. Look again upon the same spot a few hours after. The tide is in, and countless gulls and water- fowl have accompanied it, screaming out an lo PcBan to its progress ; the tiny waves are playfully curling and creaming upon the glistening shingle ; the flats now exhibit a rich field of darkly-green grass, nodding a graceful welcome to each succes- A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. 17 sive ripple ; the once unseemly vessels are riding gallantly at their anchors, their black hulls nearly concealed, their decks and sides washed off, and the green on the latter visible ; the burnt-powder effluvia of marsh-mud is banished, and replaced by the pure and exhilarating breath of the sea. The lusty old trees upon the shore bend down ap- provingly over the waves that wash their very feet ; and the reflections of their broad leafy tops impart a deeper tint to the water, shadowing forth submarine groves upon its surface. A few neat white cottages are scattered here and there ; fields of mighty corn are standing in bold relief upon the hill-sides ; white sails are visible entering or leaving the port ; the rough but cheery shout or song of the fishermen, and the stroke of their oars, echo across the Bay ; and let there hang over this bright scene a delicate misty veil, such as young summer and early autumn love to cast over their brightest and fairest pictures, making everything seem gentle and quiet, the fiery sun himself look large and jovial and benignant, throwing a dreamy haze over all animate and inanimate nature ; and you have a fair, but not overstrained view of the Bay on the eventful afternoon of the 10th June, 183- ; as pretty and heart- warming a sight as you would wish to meet with in that very indefinite, space of time, a month of Sundays. CHAPEK III. CAPTAIN JOB. Having wasted suflScient ink in describing the Bay, it is quite time to give it a name. Its true designation, for certain reasons, shall be concealed, although the title it then bore may very likely have been changed long ere this ; for Long Island- ers of late years, beset by the demon of change, dropping the time-honored appellations of Bays and Tillages, have sought to bring the latter into notice among summer-migrating and money-spend- ing citizens, by enticing and romantic names. " Musquito '* has, for instance, been promoted to " Glen Cove ^" why, it would be hard to deter- mine, since glens there are not, and musquitoes there are, as many a musquito-bitten cove from New York — title-seduced — can testify, and also to the fact of having been bitten in more ways than one. Cow Bay has in like manner lost its bucolic interest, and now figures as Manh asset. There is no telling where the spirit of innovation will stop ; it may even go to Jericho. CALLING HARD NAMES. 19 Well, small blame to tliem after all, for such ail agglomeration of names no other land can claim. Jerusalem, Babylon, and Jericho ; Yap- hank, Punk's Hole, and Mount Misery ; Hard- scrabble, Shinnicock, Mettinicock, and Quag ; Great Keck and Little Neck, Horse Neck and Cow Neck, Fireplace and Fire Islands, Cutchogue, Mattituck and Poosepatuck, Turkey-ville, and Wolver-hoUow, Quannontowunk, Rankonkama, Rankhonganock, and Manhausackahaquashurrwar- nock ^ * * * * leaving ruined my best gold pen in the last effoW, I think it time to close the catalogue, in- forming my readers, en passant^ that our Bay is known as Bay Harbor, which name also apper- tains to the very pretty village at its head. The Bay forks near the head, and upon an ele- vated promontory between the prongs, that com- mands a fine view of the entire Bay and the Sound, partly lost amid a grove of fine old trees, half hidden by a luxuriant growth of eglantine and Multiflora rose, peeps out a small white cot- tage. Its proprietor is Captain Priest, ordinarily known and addressed as Captain Job ; its inmates, the redoubtable sailor himself when at home, his daughter Mary, her maiden aunt Keziah, and a burly Irishman, caught very green by Captain Job, but now being duly seasoned, a very stalwart, 20 CAPTAIN JOB. good-natured, and blundering laborer upon the farm. When Captain Priest's parents named him Job, they certainly made a job of it, unless, gifted with prescience of his future character, they did it upon the " luGus a non lucendo " principle — the princi- ple upon which I presume it is that steamboat captains cry out pleno ore^ " all ashore that's a-going ;" meaning exactly the reverse, or that canal pilots order all hands to " look out," when they mean them to keep in, or that the mason shouts " stand under," which, if any one obeyed, would render him a prominent candidate for a shutter ride to the hospital. Job — he is yet per- sonally in the present tense — was certainly born in the imperative mood, and when he says " I will," king nor kaiser, nor Alter Ego could make him alter his " I," give it a shade less of emphasis, or abate his " will." The only two persons who have, or rather had any influence upon him, were Aunt Keziah and his daughter Mary. This influence in the former case was direct, and in the latter inverse. Keziah " candied " him fearfully ; but Mary, when her end was not to be obtained by coaxing, had enough of woman's cunning to employ the same artifice that is practised to get mules and pigs to market ; pull him the way she did not want him NEW SYSTEM OF BOOK-KEEPING. 21 to go, and off he would march per contra. From all this it will be perceived, that our friend Job was what is vulgarly known as a pig-headed man ; nay, he was not only pig-headed, but exceedingly passionate. The original Job was all over boils, but our specimen boils all over — with rage — at least twenty-four times in every twenty-four hours. It could scarcely be said with propriety that his education had been neglected, for he had received none to neglect. He could neither read nor could he write ; and what would have been very singu- lar in any other less singular being, he was singu- larly proud of the want of knowledge usually deemed of such importance. Job considered it as proof of his exceeding cleverness that he had got on so well in the world, despite his deficien- cies. As he had many commissions to perform in the city, and also sold there for account of whom it might concern, vast quantities of poultry and countiy meats, mountains of oysters and clams, and great loads of hay and grain, it became necessary for him to keep some account of his va- rious transactions ; and accordingly he employed a system of hieroglyphics peculiarly his own, which, however, would have puzzled Champollion himself. Dollars he designated by a large cypher, shillings by smaller ones, and the copper medal- 22 • CAPTAIN JOB. lions of the Goddess of Liberty figured only as so many marks. His customers were represented by some leading characteristic, mental, physical, or professional. A saw stood for his friend the carpenter, a most emphatic nose for one of his customers^ — a second ISTaso — and something like a clenched fist was sup- posed to represent a particularly pugnacious indi- vidual who dealt in clams. The articles that he bought or sold were entered in a like manner, and when Mary was at home to take down his rude accounts in a more e very-day manner, while they were yet fresh in his mind, all went well enough ; but if she happened to be ab- sent on his return, and the transactions of another voyage had driven those of the previous out of his head, sometimes ludicrous blunders would occur. A man was once charged by him for the purchase of a couple of hoes and a rake, which he stoutly denied, and Job's litigious spirit would have soon involved the aflPair in the entanglements of the law, if the creditor's wife had not suggested that she had received two pipes and a long comb about the time, and that these might possibly be the articles charged. So it proved to be, and Job, for once in his life, was forced to submit. In person, Captain Job was a short, stubb}", thick-set little fellow, with a dried-apple face. job's personal peculiarities. 23 tanned and stained by the combined effects of sun, wind, and the manure atmosphere in which a great part of his life had been spent, until he looked something like an ex-sarcophagus'd mum- my. His color was a mixture of brown and yel- low — orange tawny perhaps — with a slight tinge of brick-red upon the extreme verge and outskirts of his face, which roseate hue increased in radi- ance as it approached the centre — his nose — and upon the point of this Ultima Thule of the facial globe, it blazed out with intense ferocity. Some attributed this to the effects of a too gen- erous liquid diet, others to the great proximity which this organ usually enjoyed to a very short and uncommonly busy pipe, while the Captain himself gave the exposures incident to his profes- sion the whole credit of it. Whatever was the cause, the nose seemed to be quite ashamed of the result, and endeavored to get rid of the color by continually shedding its skin. In fact, it was al- ways on the peel, and no doubt the owner of it would have been mistaken in Ireland for a Peeler. His eyes were small, black, and at times spar- kled like frost gems in the clear cold moonlight. A shock head of curly brown hair, a mouth whose outer edges were lost in a pair of bushy w^hiskers, giving one the idea of a great gulf hidden away in the woods and but a small portion 24 CAPTAIN JOB. of it visible, short sturdy arms with something like a Imnp of mud at their end, and legs and feet to match, completed the man. His dress was invariably a sailor's jacket of blue cloth and buttons that had once been gilt, vest ditto, and a collar open, leaving his throat bare. As for the covering of his nether man there was nothing singular about it, saving that his terminations terminated invariably within the confines of a pair of pot-metal boots. CHAPTEE lY. THE " SALLY ANn" AND HEU CKEW. Let us stand for a moment in front of Captain Job's cottage and look forth upon the Bay. Imme- diately before us is a small sloop-rigged vessel, riding gracefully at her anchor, and as the wind is off shore and the tide setting out, she bows slowly and regularly to us, as if proud of our notice. You perceive that her appearance is somewhat superior to that of her sister craft moored about the Bay, that her sides are newly painted green with a white stripe, and her mast is quite lofty for so small a boat. See how sharp she is, and what a clean run she has ; she evidently carries no dead water to check her j^rogress. From the topmast an unusually large swallow-tail is streaming out upon the breeze, and upon the strip of red bunting appear certain lettei-s in white. Had we a glass we could read her name. It is the " Sally Ann." She seems almost beneath us, and we can see that her decks have been lately w^ashed off quite 26 THE "sally ANN AND HER CREW. clean, altliongli their reddish hue shows plainly that she has carried bricks upon them. You will perhaps think her almost new, and that she has never been degraded by anything of a meaner nature than bricks or lumber. Not a bit of it ; she has carried Captain Job and his for- tunes for twenty years, and has done her share towards improving the soil. If the one who makes two blades of grass to grow where but one did before, be a benefactor to the human race, it is difficult to estimate the high position that the " Sally Ann" should occupy. When her last voyage shall have been made, and her weary old bones shall be bleaching upon the strand, then should snuff-boxes — ^highly scented indeed — be formed of her planking, and canes be fashioned from her timbers, to be given as tokens of high reward to agricultural gentlemen who may have produced pigs of peculiar pinguidity, oxen outrageously oleaginous, pumpkins preposter- ously ponderous, or cabbages of colossal circumfer- ence. Job has lately obtained a contract to transport brick to the city and bring back lumber ; and henceforth nothing more vulgar than ashes is to burden the " Sally Ann." She has been repaired and repainted upon the occasion, and looks as fresh and as saucy as when for the first time, with THE MATE. 27 an impetuous rusli, she threw herself upon the bosom of the Bay, the water's bride, to swim or to sink, to be gently caressed in fair weather and buffeted in foul. It is said that every portion of the human sys- tem undergoes a change, decays, departs, and is replaced in a certain number of years. Such has been the case with the sloop, and she has been overhauled and spliced, stripped and sheathed, new sparred and new rigged, until in fact, from truck to kelson, from cut- water to stern-post, scarcely a bit of the original Sally Ann remains. Upon the deck you see her crew. They are not very numerous, and as we are about to be fellow- sailors upon a momentous voyage, permit me to introduce them. That long-armed and long-legged personage with bare-feet, without coat or vest, his head crowned by a round-topped felt hat, is the mate, steward, and cook. He is dabbling a line in the Abater and thinks he is fishing. That is a peculi- arity of his. He never catches any thing, but seems to live in hopes that his time will come at last, and employs all of his leisure that he well can in the recreation. In winter, and during very severe weather, he amuses himself with furbishing up his tackle and making new lines. He is rather shy of exhibiting his accomplish- 28 THE " SALLY ANn" AND HER CREW. ments in this line before Captain Job, because, if caught at it, he is pretty sure of being sent on shore to dig clams if the tide be out, and if it be in, the keen eyes of the " old man" are certain to detect the end of some rope that needs whipping or knotting. As he can only vary his amusement by cuffing his companion, perhaps his present occupation is laudable, and moreover he may be of a deeply imaginative and poetic temperament, and is stealthily revelling in the halls of fancy while we only think him wantonly wasting his time. His name is Pete ; he has never had any other name, and does not know exactly how he came by that, as there are no proofs of his having had father or mother to bestow it upon him. He does not know how old he is, but has been with Job and the " Sally Ann" from his childhood, and is firmly convinced that the saucy jade would re- fuse to sail without him. The other occupant of the deck is a stout boy. You see that at this moment he is standing upon his head. That something white, which is flutter- ing in the breeze from his midships, is not a swal- low-tail, but merely a bit of linen which under such circumstances is known to our gamins as " a letter in the post-office." His name is Dick, and he is addicted to both of these peculiarities. Cap- tain Job has threatened, sworn at, and thrashed him for them, but it's no manner of use. SINGULAR RELATIONSHIP. 29 Dick will stand upon his head, and keep up a thorough ventilation. The captain has talked of leather breeches and a sheet-iron seat, but know- ing Dick as he does, is fearful of throwing his money away, and has besides some obscure dread of a bursted boiler. Dick has two other amusements ; whistling and making little Sally Anns with a bit of pine and a jack-knife ; these he performs simultaneously, and alternates with the former. As he never whistles when he stands upon his head, this mode of recre- ation is preferred by the mate, who, being of a quiet contemplative turn, does not like noise. Had Mr. Micawber known the boy, he would have been delignted with the sight of something turning up continually. Dick has never read of Quilp's boy, " Tom Scott," and is no imitator of his, but has taken to the exei^cise naturally, as if he had discovered a want of brain in its proper place, and wished to induce its return upon philo- sophical and physical principles. He also has never been blessed with a father ; but more fortu- nate than Pete, finds a mother in his aunt, an ex- ceedingly virtuous and acidulous old maid. Such singular phenomena are of frequent occurrence upon the Island. Dick is the cabin boy and all hands. CHAPTER Y. DE OMNIBUS KEBUS. Captain Job was a proud man ; lie was proud of his house, proud of his farm, proud of his suc- cess, very proud of his vessel, immeasurably proud of his daughter ; and, strange as it may seem, the acme, the culmination, the crowning point of all tliis great pyramid of pride, was his daughter's aristocratic descent. The line of demarkation between the patrician and the plebeian is nowhere drawn more distinctly, clearly, and palpably, than upon Long Island. The better classes are especially clannish, and deem no family or name equal to their own. They intermarry among their kindred, and the tribe increases in number as its members diminish in size. The surest proof of good blood among them is a diminutive person and dried-up phiz. In the good old days, the ancestors of the present race had been very unlike these, their quiet, plodding children. Kot a few had filled THE RAIL-EOAD WAK. 31 their purses with British gold, and it is both shrewdly surmised and somewhat broadly hinted that the foundation of more than one handsome estate was laid simultaneously with the keel of some sharp, fast-sailing privateer ; nay, there are even those who assert that many of these letters of marque carried no letters at all, but more a mark of any flag that came in their way. These stirring times have long passed by ; every- thing and everybody has settled down into a quiet jog-trot, a kind of living dream, from which they will not be aroused ; and the only sign of vitality that has been exhibited for years, was elicited by the attempt to wake them up with a railroad. They were as spiteful about it as a man would be if driven from his bed before his nap is half fin- ished. They tore up the track, placed impedi- ments in the way of the cars, and what serious mischief they might have done is yet unknown, had not the unusual fatigue of thinking and acting, so overpowered them that they all fell to sleep again, quite as suddenly, as they were awakened. The south-siders, probably owing to their accus- tomed clam diet, were particularly clamorous, while the north-siders, who were brought up upon oysters, in imitation of that prudent variety of the molluscse family, kept very close indeed. The east-enders being extensively engaged in the oil 32 DE OaiNIBUS REBUS. trade, talked loudly of giving the company gen- erally a whaling ; the fishernaan acted as if in-sane themselves ; and, in short, never was there so much railing about a road. Some say that a natural dislike to disturb the sleepers, alone saved the track from utter destruc- tion ; others attribute its present existence to the fear of a certain shrewd president, who out-gen- eralled them at every turn. My opinion, however, is, as expressed above, that if they could have kept their eyes open long enough, their own bulls, and those of "Wall-street, would have suffered less than they have. ■ The president that I have just mentioned, was, as I once heard an Islander remark, " considerably ahead of their time," and an instance of his man- agement is worth recording. When Mr. Blank assumed the presidential control, it w^as in a dark day indeed. Acres of woodland, fields of grain, houses and barns had been consumed by the loco- motive sparks, and cattle without number destroyed upon the track. Demands against the company and impending lawsuits were more numerous than agreeable. One day a farmer made his appear- ance at Mr. Blank's office. He was the champion of his neighborhood, and had come down to enforce payment for a valuable pair of oxen, sud* denly converted into jerked beef by the iron-horse. YOUR BULL AND MY LOCOMOTIVE. 33 Our farmer entered the office as bold as a lion — " I want pay for my cattle you killed last Satur- day," said he. " Your cattle !" inquired Mr. Blank ; " were those your cattle that were killed ?" " Mighty apt to be," returned the farmer, " and I want two hundred dollars for them." " And /," said Mr. Blank, " want proof. You must make an affidavit of the particulars, and then we will come to a settlement." Right willingly did the farmer assent, but when the instrument was properly drawn up, signed, and authenticated, Mr. Blank turned to him with, " JS'ow, sir, /want two hundred dollars from ymiP " From wie .^" exclaimed the amazed rustic. " Yes, sir, from y6>w," reiterated the President. " Here I have proof, under your own hand, that your cattle were, contrary to law, upon the track, and thereby our engine was damaged to the extent of two hundred dollars. Are you prepared to set- tle the affair amicably, or must I proceed legally ?" The farmer spake no word, but rushed open- mouthed from the office, sought his wagon, and upon reaching his home, advised his friends gen- erally to pocket their gi-ievances, or worse would come of it. From that day few demands were made upon the road. And so the railroad war passed quietly away, and Long Island turned over for t'other nap. 2=^ 34 DE OMNIBUS REBrS. Many efforts .Lave been made to overcome the vis inertise of the people of these shores. Con- necticut, Ehode Island, and Massachusetts have sent forth their colonies, but not a whit of anima- tion resulted from them, and the quick pulse of the Yankee very soon degenerated into the slug- gish beat peculiar to the Island. " The man recovered of the bite, The dog it was that died." Time rolls on, but brings with it little alteration among the inhabitants, or in the face of the coun- try. It is the work of years to found a petty hamlet, and of centuries to create a village. How different from the mighty West. See Cincinnati raising her bristles where lately bristled a forest ; dried hams have driven out the Hamadryads, and pickled pork pushed Pan from his pedestal. The nymphs of the pave have ousted those of the wood ; delicate dears, in silks and muslins, usurped the walks of the doe ; and her attendant buck is only kept in mind by the nice young gentlemen who parade the street in goatees and kids. Having founded mighty cities and sovereign states, one would think that Western ambition might be satisfied ; but no, " en avant " is the motto, and nothing short of the Pacific will bring them vip. FOLLOW MY LEADEE. 35 Let but one pioneer show the way, and hun- dreds immediately imitate Jupiter's game of " fol- low my Leda." From all this disposition of inquiet and unrest, we turn with a feeling of relief to our slow and easy, contented Long Islander. E'o thing now can arouse him. Kossuth may come, France may fume, Bull may bully, but all in vain. Even an unexampled rise in the clam market would not disturb him. CHAPTEK YI. ET QUIBUSDAM ALUS, INCLUDING THE HISTORY OF COLONEL JENKINS, AND THE NUPTIALS OF CAPTAIN JOB. Let me return to Captain Job, and his pride in second-hand birth. It all came about from the doings of Mary's grandfather. If she had had no grandfather, or if her grandfather had been any man but the particular one that he was, there is no human possibility that Captain Job would have possessed any pride of the kind with which he was afflicted, direct or collateral, wherewithal to overswell the already sufficiently puffed out sails of his vanity. Long Islanders are fond of horses, and of fine ones at that. Why " slow " persons should inva- riably affect " fast " things is a paradox several fathoms too deep for me to fathom ; in fact I am off soundings altogether. The degenerate modern Spaniard loves the dis- plays of brute courage and gallantry in the bull- 87 ring or the cock-pit, while tlie dare-devil ISTimrod Wildfire of our Western wilderness finds amuse- ment in shooting at some unfortunate turkey or ill-fated goose tied up to a tree. If there is any- fighting to be done, he wants to do it himself, and — to use his own words — is always willing " to take two chances." It would appear that we are all attached to our antitheses and antipodes, animate and inanimate. Thespians often enter the temple doorway, and en revanche parsons are possessed for a peep at play, if they can have it upon the sly. Upon something of the same antipodal principles is it that the herbs of our own country are deserted and ignored by our women, and that nothing will please their palates, oil their tongues, and set them oflT at railroad speed, but the black or green-leaf of the Celestial Empire. Distance lends enchant- ment to the taste as well as to the view. Let enterprising Yankees beware how they waste time and money in introducing the exotic. When the easy cultivation of tea in America shall have become an established fact, the ladies will have none of it, and their tastes will be tickled with notliing short of an infusion of upas leaves, or of some impossible shrub from Japan. The pet hobby of old Colonel Jenkins — our Mary's grandfather — has been horseflesh, and par- 38 ET QUIBUSDAM ALUS. ticularly the breeding of it. Many a man has made a fortmie by the raising and selling of fine animals ; but he who keeps them for the sake of keeping them, and is prepared to back np his favorites at any figure, will some fine day be forced to back himself — out of house and land. It is said that the exceptions prove the rule; not that I pretend to understand this at all, but bow my head meekly and take it for granted that it is all right. Colonel Jenkins proved the truth of an old law by its converse : Mares make the money go. Handicaps exhausted handy pockets ; fillies emptied his purse ; sweepstakes swept his grana- ries ; and the " Course" used him coarsely indeed ; trots under saddles resulted in nothing but sad ills ; those in sulkies rarely left him in a sociable humor ; a tandem at length cut short his career, and his coup-de-grace was received from the Jockej-Oluhy who, having in one way or another, pouched all his money, now turned him out be- cause he had no more of it. No longer a per- former, he now attended races as a spectator, and his love for the turf ceased not until he was deposited beneath it. Peat may do very well in Ireland, but here the "turf" is a bad speculation for our farmers. There had been a single pause in the old man's DEAD BEAT. 39 career. Having buried a first wife soon after his fortune invested in horses had gone to the dogs, he looked around for a second, and not finding any of his own caste, with a sufiicient matter of money inclined to matrimony, he descended seve- ral pegs and espoused the daughter of a wealthy farmer of low extraction. His friends and rela- tives treated him to the cold shoulder, his second wife's fortune was soon spent, and for a time he lived upon the credit of having a rich father-in- law. At last the latter paid the debt of nature — which, being accustomed to quibble very much over the settlement of accounts, he did in a grumbling way — and for a few years tlie Colonel again kept his head above water — although not brandy and water. His race was up at length, and but for the shelter of Captain Job's roof, he must have bur- dened the town for his support. His second wife having had but little happiness in this world, departed to search for it in another ; and the hus- band not long after his fortune went to the devil, started off also, whether in pursuit of it or not, as an accurate and veracious historian, I cannot tell, but can only say that he bequeathed to Job the sum total of his earthly possessions, two helpless daughters of the respective ages of sixteen and twenty-five. 40 ET QUIBUSDAM ALUS. Captain Job had made his debut as cow-boy or general youth, upon the Colonel's farm, and after serving an apprenticeship at the business, em- barked in our merchant marine as an able-bodied seaman in the manure-carrying trade. "When the Colonel's ready money began — in Job's vernacular — to cut stick, he, taking the hint, went to cutting sticks himself, and having purchased a sloop to transport his wood cheaply to market, invested Job with the chief command. As Job saved money and the Colonel spent it, in the natural course of events, the former soon became a quarter, then a half, and finally the sole owner of the " Sally Ann," and ere long the pur- chaser of a pretty cottage and snug farm, although to complete it he borrowed money upon his vessel, which required the earnings of after years to re- pay. It is highly probable that some matrimonial scheme may have been flitting across our hero's brain, when he opened his doors to receive the poor old Colonel and his unfortunate daughters, but whether it was so or not, the result is certain ; and the modest, pretty, and industrious daughter of the second wife — always a great favorite with the Captain — so won upon him, that ere she had been the inmate of his cottage for a year, he olTered her a home for life, accompanied with a SOUR GRAPES. 41 particularly rough Land, and a heart, wilful enough it is true, but all right in the main. Miss Keziah Jenkins, the elder of the sisters, although ignored by relations and dependent upon Job for bread and shelter, was perfectly aghast at the latter's presumption, and had not nature turn- ed up her nose so extremely high that any further attempt upon her part in that line must have re- sulted in a backward sommersault, the degree of elevation the organ must have attained upon the occasion would actually have petrified the behold- ers and perhaps have broken off the match. CHAPTEK YII. Every now and tlien certain queer terms, newly coined, or of foreign origin, employed at first in book or in speech, by some man of mark for the time being, suddenly appear among their every- day brethren, and before one reader in a thousand has even so much as obtained a glimpse of their true signification, they are popped at him from every newspaper column, and handled with re- morseless energy by the entire corps* editorial, from the Autocratic Responsible himself, in his " leader," to " Items " in his " dreadful acci- dent." One of these is quite popular at this moment. It is borrowed from the gastronomic calendar of frog-eating France, and has been extensively used by most knights of the pen and scissors ; but not having had my fling at it yet, and perceiving now an excellent opportunity, by your leave, Mons. Soyer, I will improve the chance. AN OFF IIOESE. 43 Were I to waste three mortal chapters in de- picting the person and attributes of Miss Keziah Jenkins, I could n^t do her half the justice that may be embodied in three words. She was, then, emphatically a piece de resist- ance, a standing dish at Captain Job's board, and a very contrary one at that. Upon the other side of every question she was well described in the equine language of the late lamented Colonel, as " an off horse." Her pride had received a double blow, from Job's marriage with her sister. In the first place, she deemed it an unpardonable crime for so young a girl to throw herself away upon such a man, while so many better chances yet remained within the wheel of fate. Then again " Sally " was but " half-bred," at best, and another dash of plebeian blood would completely do the business ; and she and her descendants must be, and continue to be, perfect nobodies. The worst of the case was — although she would not own it even to herself — that, despising Job as she did for a brother-in-law, yet to have viewed him in the light of a husband, would have been a different thing altogether ; almost anything, in fact, in coats and continuations would iiave been a god-send to her under the circumstances. The grapes were very sour indeed, and tlie taste of 44 CAPTAIN job's them imparted sucli a pucker to lier mouth that it never after resumed its projSer form. Taking her height and disposition into consider- ation, a magnetizer might have pronounced her a negative pole ; a mathematician, however, would have told you that her person was perpendicular, temper, nose, and elbows acute, mind rather ob- tuse, opinion always right, the physical tout en- semble very like a line, possessing height, width, but no thickness, her longitude great, and the lati- tude she gave herself extreme. She ruled the roast — and the boiled ; had assumed entire con- trol over her sister during the latter 's lifetime, and now domineered over Job and Mary as far as prudence would permit, for she had learned by experience that the wilfulness of the one, and a certain spirit in the other, seldom exhibited, but proving most unequivocally, when evoked, that the Mary was her father's child, rendered it un- safe for her to venture to extremities. When provoking beyond further endurance. Job's " there, Keziah, you've payed out enough, belay now or trip your anchor," would bring her to terms, and one glance from Mary's eyes, accom- panied with a smart tap on the ground from a "sery pretty, but very decided little foot, produced the same result. "Would you have a correct idea of her peT*- A KECTANGULAK VENUS. 45 sonnelf Elevate a perpendicular of some five feet ten in height — a narrow plank will answer admirably — clap on the top an indefinite maze of dimity, let a sharp, thin, and inquisitive nose pro- ject not far beneath it, so inquisitive indeed that it always maintains an inquisitorial observation upon the cap — for, verily, Keziah's horn was ex- alted — a mouth, but no visible lips, allow ample space for a long and scraggy neck, then project from either side a pair of pump handles, with a sharp joint in their centres ; now a larger maze of white dimity drawn closely around an imaginary waist — supposed to be situated immediately be- neath her shoulders — and pressing out balloon- wise above and below, like a cotton cloud ; then another mass of something white falling to the ground in straight lines, unimpeded in its course by any such obstacles as projecting hips ; illumine all this with a pair of small, snappish, black eyes, and enliven it with a voice apparently intended by nature to sing " alto " in duets with a saw un- dergoing the operation of filing, and you have Aunt Keziah. I see but little use in causing Mary to sit for her portrait ; and if I did, fear I should make a daub of it. When I have said that she was a rustic beauty, I have covered the whole ground. Of course she had a flood of rich chestnut hair, that 46 CAPTAIN job's " WOMEN FOLKS." poured down in rivulets upon her gracefully formed shoulders, a pair of large and loving hazel eyes, the most piquant little nose in the w^orld, rosy lips, very dangerous indeed to look upon, which, when parted, as they often were with a smile, disclosed a mine of pearls ; a trim little figure, and small, plump hands and feet. I need not tell you that she had the merest soujpgon of coquetry, for I should like to see maid or matron without it. There was a fair allowance of spirits, perchance a slight sprinkling of pepper in her dis- position, but not one drop of vinegar. Her mother, whom she resembled, had imparted to her such education and accomplishments as she possessed, which, without including either Latin, Greek, geometry, and astronomy on the one hand, or the guitar, piano, and polking on the other, were nevertheless such that even Captain Job and Aunt Keziah looked up to them with a feeling some- thing akin to awe. She teazed the old lady, wheedled her father, laughed at the Irishman, plagued Harry Mint al- most to death, and kept sundry other young gen- tlemen within an inch of distraction. CHAPTEK YIII. HAKKY FLINT. !N"ear the edge of a beautiful sheet of fresh wa- ter, situated immediately above the head of the Bay, and only separated from it by a lofty and an- cient dam, over which the road passes, stands a very unpretending edifice. There is nothing re- markable — certainly nothing romantic in its ap- pearance. It is of one story, has a low roof, boasts of but one stunted chimney, is painted a most vil- lanous red, its only practical mode of egress or en- trance, a very narrow and weather-beaten door, which if it could be transported to Central Ameri- ca, would certainly pass for a whole book of his- tory, from the numerous and strange hieroglyphi- cal carvings with which it is adorned, its sides or- namented with a series of diminutive windows, consisting of four panes of seven-by-nine, and yet it is an institution — nay, a part and parcel of the institution, jpar excellence^ of our country. If you should pass it, when the horns sounding 48 HAREY FLINT. far and near, proclaim the advent of noon, you would be surprised at its capacity for the stowage of juvenile humanity. You would see a great troop of flaxen-headed urchins rush out with jovial cries, and scamper away in every direction, as fast as their short, chubby legs would permit — for what urchin ever lived, that walked away from school ? — as if a certain distance must be attained as soon as possible, to satisfy them of their free- dom. Having spread themselves out in an ex- tended circle, they wheel, sweep about like a flock of swallows, and head in again for the house. Here young ideas are taught to shoot, as you will see by the games of marbles, and the bows and arrows quickly drawn from their snug places of concealment behind the fence. Here it was that Mary acquired the rudiments, and that little Harry Flint, after a few pretty solid bouts at fisticufi*, was regularly installed as her protector, entitled to help her over the fences and out of the mud-puddles, to give her his rosiest- cheeked apple, to be an object of envy to the boys, and admiration to the girls. It was from that very pond that looks so placid and innocent, that Harry drew her all wet and dripping, when, having been decoyed into a boat by one of the larger boys — contrary to all the laws of pedagogdom in such cases made and provided — she was upset, and left to FIRST ATTEMPT AT WHALING. 49 make tlie most of it, while tlie cowardly truant paddled his way to dry ground. Having rescued and brought her on shore, not much hurt, but terribly frightened, Harry bore her into the school-house, and there, in the presence of the master, in defiance of his laws, in contempt of his orders, and in profanation of the sacred pre- cincts of the Temple of Minerva itself, tiirned to, and administered to Master Tony Bigler so severe a flogging, that the presiding genius of the place did not deem it very safe, under the circumstances, to punish the offending lad, in his excited state, and so the matter dropped. Harry was the only child of a widow, in humble circumstances, and being a noble-spirited and quick-witted lad, he early determined to be a bur- den to his mother no longer than absolute neces- sity required. Commencing his salt-water career, as a matter of course upon a manure sloop ; but a few months saw him handling the ropes upon a whaler, at a good " lay ;" in a year or two, he was a second mate, and the next voyage a first mate, upon his first ship. He had been a great favorite with all of Job's family, except aunt Keziah, and Mary always re- ceived him on his occasional returns to the village, with a smile and a warm pressure of the hand, tormented him as long as he stayed, and dismissed 3 60 • HARRY FLI2."r. him with a kiss, succeeded by a small deluge of tears, which continued to fall at lengthened inter- vals for a week or more after his departure. Captain Job's feelings, however, had undergone a change. While the boy would sit for a long evening, and listen with wonder and admiration to the long-shore sailor's tales, it was all very well ; but when the former's experience in a wider field enabled him to spin yarns which were to those of Job, as a hawser to a bit of rattlin, it was entirely a different case. Job considered it as an attempt to dethrone his dignity and importance in his own stronghold, and became first crusty, then rude, and finally inhospitable. Not believing that any greater wonders of the deep could exist than those he had encountered, in cruising for twenty years from the Bay to New- York, he had really but little faith in Harry's descriptions of encoun- ters with the monsters of the ocean. When Harry spoke of vast quantities of " blub- ber," the old man imagined that if the Bohemoth was really guilty of any such effeminacy, he must be a Prince of Wails indeed. The " spouts" he deemed only some of Harry's blowing, the " sea lions" passed with him for a tall specimen of sea- lying, and the " seals," sealed the young sailor's fate. The whole affair ended finally in a downright GOLD GILDS GUILT. " 51 quarrel, and the irate Job informed the whaler that he was " altogether too smart to be his son-in- law, and that he need not trouble himself any fur- ther about his daughter." As Job did nothing by halves, he immediately commenced a matrimonial treaty, on Mary's be- half, with the father of the very Tony Bigler who had figured so shabbily in the pond affair of schoolboy days. Tony's father bore the character of a very close old man ; too close, indeed, to be honest — but it was well known that he had plied his trade of market-man so effectually that, honest or not, his coffers were well filled. Perhaps you cannot " gild refined gold or paint the lily ;" but very impure gold will gild anything else, and paint up a toad until he passes for a bird of paradise, wings, tail-feathers, and all included. CHAPTEK IX. CAPTAIN JOB IS *'lN FOR IT In the heart of the little village of Bay Harbor stands a long narrow building two stories in height, A\ith two one-story projections, setting forth at right-angles from its rear ; and, although they do not advance boldly to the front, yet laterally they extend quite a distance. A very imaginative mind might discover some resemblance between its form, when viewed from a distance, and that of an ancient baronial castle. Enter the door and you will see the front, rear, and ceiling, covered and adorned with all kinds of weapons of peace suspended in every manner, pretty much as the spoils of war and the chase are supposed to ornament the lordly mansions of the old world. There are plough-shares and reaping-hooks for spears and javelins, wood-axes for battle-axes, ox and log-chains for chain-armor, beavers with naps as long as those of the seven sleepers for helmets, A GENERAL ASSORTMENT. 63 rifles — to sharpen scythes — instead of the harqiie- buss, cradles — not intended for infantry practice, rakes — moral ones — cultivators, harrow teeth, pot-metal boots, cards — only two in a pack — cur- ry-combs, bundles of wire — -jewelry for the pigs — shoe-lasts, carpenters rules, augers and chisels, ox and pig-yokes, and, in fine, the whole para- phernalia of a farmer, instead of plate armor, greaves, morions, gauntlets, swords, and jack- boots. A counter ran around three sides of the store. On the left, as you entered, were arranged on shelves specimens of the vocabulary of dry goods, from thread and tape to calicoes and broadcloths. On the opposite side, a great variety of common crockery and earthenware was visible ; and standing upon the floor were quantities of pots, kettles, and various other articles, important necessaries in kitchen economy. Behind the rear counter were several suspicious-looking barrels,^ some of which probably contained nothing more potent than molasses, oil, or vinegar, but the odor of "JN^ew England " and " Turpentine Gin " that pervaded the atmosphere, sundry very queer tumblers upon the board, and the fact that three or four, half sailor, half farmer-looking men, were tossing off something, with a smack and apparent gusto that water-drinkers do not affect, induces me to sup- 54 CAPTAIN JOB 13 pose, that nothing like Maine-law was recognized in the establishment. In the sheds, connected with the main building, were to be found all kinds of provisions, fish and flesh, flour, meal, lime, paint-kegs, boxes of cheese, kegs of butter, and, to complete the title, the establishment might well lay claim to of a " store of all sorts," a number of pigeon-holes, elevated above one end of the counter, in which an occasional letter or paper w^as visible, proved that the proprietor was a government officer, a good democrat, and a distri- butor of Uncle Sam's mails. See, a girl has just arrived with a pot of butter to trade off for " store-pay." She wants in ex- change a yard of calico, a quarter of tea, a quart of molasses, a paper of radish-seed, a pound of •sugar, a plug of tobacco, two pipes, a fine-tooth comb, a salt mackerel, a dose of rhubarb, two sticks of candy, and — tell it not in the Tabernacle —a bottle of "New England." The proprietor of this " Omnium Gatherum " is, in reality, the lord of the manor. All the villagers pay him tribute. He owns half the houses, half the land about the bay, two factories and a flour- mill, and, as a matter of coui-se, " Squire Divine Underwood " is cordially hated by all of his neigh- bors, partly because he is a rich, and partly because THE SQUIRE OFFERS A TRADE. 55 lie is a hard man, and drives very close bargains indeed. Some dozen or more men are sitting on the counters, or leaning against them ; about the same number of boys imitate their example, and listen, open-mouthed, to all that is going on, amusing themselves in the meanwhile by kicking their heels together, and giving a sly pinch to a neighbor. Mr. Underwood is in the middle of the store, and something important is going on. He is speaking to one of the men. " Well, Jacob, if you won't go to Boston for- thirty dollars, say what you wall take ?" " Wouldn't like to, Mr. Underwood, 'cause I've never been there, and I'm kinder feared the 'Teazer' wouldn't know the way." " Well, any of you, then ; what will you take ? I'll put the ballast on board for nothing. You shall have the ashes as fast as you'll take them, when you get there, and I'll pay any one of you thirty-five dollars for the trip. Come, who says I ?" JSTo one bid, and the Squire went on : "I'll give forty" (a pause^) "forty-five" (ano- ther.) " Kow stop, may-be yoi> think I want to drive a tight trade with you, so I'll tell you what I'll give : sixty dollars to the first one of you who will undertake the job." 66 CAPTAIN JOB IS " Captain Job's always tellin' on his goin' to Boston onst," replied a voice ; " may-be you and him can make a trade." " That's a fact," said Underwood. " Priest, you're the very man. I did not see you before." And he did not see him then, for, on the men- tion of his name. Captain Job had quietly slid out of the store, and before Underwood had finished, was around the corner and in the shed, very busily engaged in the critical examination of an animal he despised above all others — a horse. You have probably heard how once upon a time, a preacher that had been holding forth concerning the " last day," and who had wound up his exor- dium with "who dare be found among the goats ?" received this reply, which was not to be found on the bills, from a sailor in the gallery : " I dares ; for I never takes a stump." Job, like the sailor, " never took a stump," and so, to keep himself out of harm's way, he staid in the shed until Underwood had passed up the road, homeward bound. "When Job returned to the store, an animated dis- cussion was going on about the proposed voyage to Boston; and Harry Flint, who had just entered, was engaged in it. " Captain Job," said Harry, " come, take up NEVER TAKES A " STUMP." ^7 the offer. I'll go with you, and show you the way." "No, you won't!" replied Job. "I know the way well enough ; but I don't want to dirty up the 'Sally Ann.'" " Well, I'm blest, " retorted Harry, " if old Un- derwood shall have it to say, that no Bay Harbor man had spunk enough to go to Boston. Before I let him go to Clam Cove and charter a vessel, I'll go in earnest. Who'll let me have his sloop on shares ? " " /will, Harr}^," said one of the captains. " Not spunk enough !" exclaimed Job. " Shan't say that about me. I'll take the job ;" and after laying in an additional supply of Dutch courage, he started off after Underwood. ISTow, Harry thought that he had been very sly and cunning in packing off the old man ; and so having him out of the way, and unable to inter- fere between him and Mary, for ten days at least, but Vliomme jprojpose^ et Dieu dispose^"^' and we shall see how it all turned out. Job felt very qualmish indeed ; he had been to Boston once, but that was a long time ago, and be- fore he had attained to the dignity of master. He knew it was somewhere off the north end of the * Note. — A maiden friend disputes the correctness of a part of this proverb. " The men," she says, " don't propose at all." 1* 58 CAPTAIN JOB IS " IN FOR It" AT LAST. island, and that was the extent of his knowledge ; but as for seeking information upon the subject, he would have seen the ^' Sally Ann" sunk first. The fact of the business was, that neither the sloop nor her crew were exactly prepared for anything of a voyage. The only "log" that captain Job had ever kept on board, was a meat-block. For a com- pass, he had a pair that moved their legs any way you wished ; his only needle had an eye in it, and tlK)ugh very useful in patching sails, only pointed to the north by accident. So with a heavy heart, Job entei*ed Under- wood's house, completed his bargain, and walked slowly home, muttering to himself : " Well, if I havn't put my foot into it this time !" CHAPTER X. CONCERNING THE INCONVENIENCES OF BEING TOO u SMAUT ^DIAGNOSIS OF THE ALABAMA GENTLE- MAN S CASE AND THE OYSTER-CUKE — AN EPISODE. The man who goes plodding on about his busi- ness, may not, perhaps, effect quite as much as his "smarter'.' neighbor, but what little he per- forms, is done well and surely. Somewhat dis- trusting himself, feeling his way cautiously over slippery paths and upon thin ice, he comes out all right at the end ; but the '' smart" man pushes on, making famous headway for a time, until, from holding his head too high, or trusting himself upon too slender a foundation, down he comes, all of a sudden, tears his best breeches, falls through, and then bawls out lustily for the tortoise to assist him, and keep his head above water. A proper degree of confidence is as necessary to the man of business as would be an India-rubber life-preserver to one floating upon his own hook on the Mississippi. A certain buoyancy is important 60 AN EPISODI<:. to liis safety ; but there is no use in engaging a balloon, and getting so high in it, that away goes he, soaring above all his compeers, until the sud- den collision with a castle-in-the-air, or a collapse and escape of gas, precipitates him headlong, and the severity of his fall is in proportion to the ra- pidity of his rise. I was once walking with an Alabama merchant in the streets of 'New Orleans, when we met half a dozen evidently " up-country" youths, and so very green, that they had not yet shed their " Ken- tucky jeans," but for all that, their hands were ornamented with fashionable canes, and their mouths adorned with cigars of the largest size and most approved pattern ; and on they went, swing- ing the former and puffing the latter, and appear- ing very wide awake, indeed. "There," said my Alabama friend, " do you see those chaps smoking their ' three-for-a-quarter' Ilavanas ; don't they feel ' piert,' and Avon't they catch it before long ? Some of them will be cured of their smartness by the first bucket of cold water that their conceit gets ; but with others it's a dis- ease for life. It was taken out of me in a hurry. I w^ill tell you the story, and it's all true, which you'll probably believe ; for although I am the hero of the tale, it does not tell much to my credit. A GREAT TRAVELLER. 61 " At home I was deemed the most knowing of the family, and when a mere lad, was intrusted with some important business to transact at Co- lumbus, a place generally supposed among us to be somewhere near the world's end, and which even my father, a steady-going, well-to-do-planter, had but once visited. When I arrived at my des- tination, I found everything ready for me, and my father's friend, knowing the dangers incident to country lads, even in so small a town, marched me off for home before night, having kept close by my side while I remained. " iSTow, I had done nothing that any dog, w^ell trained to fetch and carry, might not have per- formed with ease. I had seen nothing that I might not have seen at any little country town ; but upon my return I became the Sir Oracle of the settlement, and my wondrous stories of ships and steamboats, theatres and circuses, made all our good neighbors open their ears and eyes, very widely indeed. In fact, I told my tales so often and so well, that I finally became impressed with their truth myself. " When I came of age, my father, having made a good crop, and sold it at a good price, deter- mined to send my brother and myself to Mobile, to see a little of the world. The old gentleman, at our departure, cautioned me to keep a sharp 63 AN EPISODE. look-out for John, who, as he was pleased to re- mark, had none of my experience to depend upon, and it would have amused you to have witnessed the gravity with which I accepted the important trust. " Having arrived safely at Montgomery, and put up our horses at the inn, we strolled down to the landing, and when we reached the edge of the bluff, John started back in amazement. " ' c/6-rusalem !' cried he. " What's that V "Although the sight was as new to me as to him ; yet having some half-formed ideas upon the subject, I replied with great confidence: " ' Pshaw ! nothing but a steamboat.' " ' And those monstrous tall black things grow- ing right out of her,' he continued! "'Boilers,' I answered laconically. ^Come, let's go on board.' " On board we went, and just as we were pass- ing behind the real boilers, the engineer must needs try their water. Whiz-iz-iz whistled the steam, almost in my very ears. Stunned and be- wildered by the unwonted racket, I caught John by the collar, and dashed overboard, with great presence of mind, dragging him with me. Fortu- nately, the escapade was witnessed by quite a crowd of spectators. We were rescued from the water, and the alligators lost a choice supper. A GBEAT TRAVELLER. 63 " ' What under heaven !' sputtered • John, as soon as the water he had taken in would permit him, ' what under heaven was the matter V " ' Matter !' exclaimed I, * matter enough ; don't you know that the boiler has bursted, and we are the only ones saved ?" "The guffaw from the bystanders, and as I turned round, the sight of the steamer majestic as ever, sent me to the right-about in double quick time. "Poor John had enough both of sight-seeing and of my experience, and left for home next morning; but I, smoothing my ruffled feathers for the next wind-mill encounter, took passage for Mobile. "You will perhaps think that my adventure would have cured me of smartness, but not a bit of it. On the passage down the river I fell in with a pleasant, chatty stranger, and in five min- utes we were the best friends in the world. lie did not pretend to quite as extended a knowledge of matters and things in general as I did, but knew enough to keep himself and me also, from falling into various pleasant games proposed for our amusement by certain finely-dressed gentlemen on board, who had taken a violent fancy to me, upon first sight. One night my ' fidus Achates ' and I were conversing of the approaching plea- 64 AN EPISODE. siires we were to enjoy at Mobile, and in his cata- logue, the certainty of obtaining a full supply of oysters stood in the front rank. " ' I can eat more oysters than any live man,' said he. " 'Now, I had no idea what an oyster was, whether fish or flesh, biped, quadruped, or no ' ped ' at all ; but it would not do for me to be distanced upon any track, and so replied, without a moment's hesitation, ' I can beat you, and never try.' u i ^e'll have a supper together,' said he, * and the one who " caves " first shall pay the shot.' " We had the supper, and /paid the shot, and got pretty well shot in the bargain. Thus it fell out. On our first night in Mobile, we adjourned from the theatre to an oyster saloon. " ' How will you take them,' said he. " As I did not know what I was to take, how I was to take it was rather a puzzle, but there was one thing I would have come down handsome to have taken, and that was the ' 'shute.' " * Any way you do,' replied I at length. " He ordered a dozen raw, to be followed by a stew and a fry, and accompanied by champagne and brandy. " If you have a very powerful imagination you may perhaps conceive of the horror with which I viewed my dozen 'raw.' If they had killed me A PAIR OF OYSTER " RAKES." 65 I would have eaten them every one, and nearly kill me they did, for the only way that I could induce any one of the dozen to remain quiet and not revisit the earth, was by pouring down the brandy and water. I reversed the order of things and 'laid' them with 'spirits.' My friend won- dered at my unaccustomed thirst, but southern courtesy demanded that he should keep up with me, neck and neck, and so he did. Next came the champagne, which did its work pretty effect- ually, and, although of the remainder of our doings I was rather oblivious at the time, yet the full particulars of our performance appeared in the bills next morning — as the newspapers say — and I learned that, fatigued with our unusual ex- ertions, we had been deposited with great care on what might be called two oyster-beds, in the room above, where we passed the night in performing the Cataract of Niagara. My friend played the American side, and I the Canada shore, which was not at all surprising, since seeing the Tohle Rock was among our last reminiscences. " The bill was pretty solid, but I paid it and it cured me." Now, some men will not be cured, and Captain Job was one of them. In contracting for his Boston voyage, he had been guilty of one smart thing, and he was fated to do one or two more before he sought the balmy god, that night. CHAPTEK XL ' THE "bEAg" city, AND A QUEER CUPID. Theke is a certain city in the Realm of Down- East known as the American Athens, but in reality a cis-atlantic Rome — albeit not an over-safe place for a stranger to roam in — whence, as you may have heard, a member of the State Legislature — one of the archaeval species — after a week's pere- grination in the streets, returned to his astonished constituents and informed them how he had wan- dered up and down in this modern labyrinth until the bread and cheese provided by uxorial care was exhausted, and, not having been able to dis- cover the State House, came home -again, deter- mined in future to attend to the res angustce domi and leave the affairs of the nation to abler geogra- phers than himself, assuring them, in the very spirit of the astute Mrs. Glass, that in order to obtain a seat in the said house, it was fii-st indis- pensably necessary to catch it, evidently having an impression upon his mind that it was of a perambulating, evanescent, and transitory nature, A " fine" city. 67 very like ^to the glory to be acquired therein ; where the streets go rambling up and down in a vague, irregular, unsatisfactory, and dissipated manner, wheresoever they list, as somebody has said of our volunteers ; where opposite houses are upon such intimate terms that if they had any Jack Spratical propensity to lean, they would be sure to salute d la Grecque^ by touching noses ; where a man is fined two dollars for smoking a cigar, and one for using his handkerchief pub- licly ; and, in fine, where a certain hallucination of the mind is prevalent among the inhabitants, causing them to regard their strangely jumbled up little town as the moral and intellectual centre of the universe. This celebrated city, situated in lat. 42° 23', long. 5° 55', is bounded upon one side by Bunker Hill Monument, on the others by a delightful series of flats and marshes, and is generally known to the travelling world from an excellent inn and cheap coach-fares to be met with there. Consult the maps, and you will find the name recorded as " Boston." Ask the inhabitants, and they will inform you it is " Bosting ;" and the latter term is probably correct, being derived from the well-known propensity for boasting, with which the citizens are afflicted. To historians, however, it and the adjacent 68 THE " brag" city, and a queer CIJPrD. country are well known, from the fact that the Revolutionary discord commenced at Concord. A considerable disturbance was bred upon Breed's hill, and the British army completely sewed up, were finally so hem'd in that Howe was sadly puzzled how to get away, for Washington would offer no battle gage to the General of that name, but engaged famine in his service to save his gun- powder. This has been called a Fabian"^ policy, * Nota Bean-y. — The printer begs to lay before the reader the following triangular, but interesting, correspondence : Printer to Publisher : Dear Sir, — I beg to inquire, in a respect- ful manner, if, in your opinion, the author intends to derive " Fabian'' from "/aba" — Lat.: a bean : if such be the case, the compositor in- timates a strong desire that it might be in his power to sentence the author to the galleys, instead of putting his sentences therein; and our head-devil, who reads to me at present, informs me that his mother supposed my office to be a reputable place — rather a school for good morals than otherwise — and that, upon the whole, he thinks of leaving next Saturday, if his wages be not advanced. Yours, respectfully, C. Publisher to Author. — Mr. R. encloses the within note from the Printer, and desires Mr. P. to remember that this is a Republican country, where classical allusions are not generally understood, and poor puns not properly appreciated ; he also requests Mr. P. in future to mind his eye, as well as his P's and Q's, and, in conclu- sion, begs a categorical reply to Mr. C.'s question. Author to Both. — Mr. P. begs to inform Messrs. C. & R. that the Lat. "faba," and the Fr. " feve," both signify bean, but regrets that they (Messrs. C & R.) should have been in a fever about it, and begs to relate a small anecdote touching the point proposed. Some years since, it was the writer's fortune to attend a per- CAPTAIN PARKER. 69 probably because the English were reduced to a diet of beans. The Bostonians having suffered from short commons then, have been noted for their long Commons ever since. To " Young America's " illuminati, the city is endeared by the burning of one Abbey, (a Catholic one) the shining light of another, (Abby Kelley) and the railing and pulling-up-railing propensities of the Rever- end Captain Theodore Parker, who, to rescue a runaway scamp about to be sent back to justice and to his master, < " Marched at tlie head of half a dozen men Down to the -wharf and then marched back again." Squire Divine Underwood having discovered that his corn, phenix-like, arose strongly and lus- formance of the veteran magician M. Adrien, given at the St. Louis Theatre. The old Professor was the same as ever, the tricks the same, the wondering but accommodating lady, who furnished handkerchiefs, and the obliging strangers, who so readily assisted the performer, were the identical personages that had before appeared in New York. The translator, however, had been trans- lated, and another filled his place. In the course of the performance, M. Adrien produced a bag of beans, and remarked, " Mesdames, et Messieurs ! voigi des feves je crois, Mesdames, qui vous connais bien les feves." The drago- man, with a bow, excessively French, translated : " Ladeese and Shentellmen ! Mistaire Adrien say, dese is bean ; he spose all de ladeese know bean." Trusting that Messrs. C. & R, are blessed with a similar amount of knowledge, Mr. P. begs that if his book does not suit, they will write it themselves, and remain, as ever, P. P. 70 THE "brag" city, AND A QUEER CUPID. tily from a bed of ashes, had for many years caused cargoes of them to be procured at New- York ; but finding of late too liberal an admixture of the resi- due of anthracite coal among them, and knowing that the ashes of the grate, however useful in caus- ing monumental shafts to shoot upwards and pierce the heavens, were not exactly the thing for '^ Zea Maiz," and chancing to hear that the antediluvian mode of employing to advantage the latent caloric existing in cordwood, was yet in practice at Bos- ton, girded up his loins, and taking his purse in his hand, set forth for the latter place. He pur- chased a quantity of the desired commodity, to be delivered at a certain day to any vessel he might choose to dispatch. If no Bay Harbor craft should arrive at the proper time, the ashes were to be forwarded to him, at a certain price per bushel, which would amount in the aggregate, to some- thing near one hundred dollars. Hinc illcB lachrymcB. "We left Job wending his way homeward, im- mersed in sober thought, although far from sober himself ; for in order to prove that he was man enough not only to make the Boston trip, but to drive a good bargain with Squire Divine — quite as serious a matter — he had got a little above proof. JOB DOUBLES THE HORN. 71 The old sailor, far from a drunkard, neverthe- less held fimly to the maxim that every Jack should have his gill, and have it too at regular in- tervals. A certain quantity manifestly improved his tem- per ; but if too large or too frequent libations car- ried him over the line, they did not accord very harmoniously, but rendered him especially surly and so dogmatic that he was not only ready to bark, but also to bite. The last drink at the store, and an especially stiff horn that he tossed off to bind his bargain with Underwood, had completely tossed A^m, and although on the same side of the harbor as his house, he was certainly quite over the Bay. At the precise moment that he left the Squire's house, a gentleman known as yet to our readers only by name, was quitting his own. The dying twilight and an occasional radiance glowing around the bowl of a short pipe, rendered half perceptible a red face, red nose, huge red lips turned almost wrong side out, and the usual number of twinkling reddish eyes ; the charming tout ensemble being framed in with a coarse palm hat, painted of a fiery brick color, and met at a particularly raw- beef looking pair of ears, by bushy whiskers of a most undoubted carroty hue, which completed the picture. The person of Mr. Th.addeus Mulligan — 72 THE " brag" city, and a queer CUPID. vulgo Teddy — was invested with no vest at all, but a velveteen roundabout that would not go half round, and whose buttons entirely declined an in- troduction to the button-holes, a hickory shirt, and three-fourths of a pair of duck breeches, greatly in need of ducking, and well fringed at the bottom, with the aforesaid hat and whiskers, were his only covering. Accoutred as he was, certainly no one would have taken him for a Cupid, and although between wliiffs he sought by a musical stave to stave otf melancholy and was evidently of a mercurial dis- position, he but little resembled a messenger of the gods. And yet his business was of love. Things had been progressing from bad to worse with poor Mary, and, being convinced that they had come to a crisis, after shedding a few tears, she wiped her eyes, nerved herself for the strug- gle, sent Aunt Keziah off to spend the evening, and Teddy with a note to the widow Flint's, con- veying to Master Harry the intelligence that the coast was clear, her father certainly out for the next three hours, and that she desired to see him upon pressing business. CHAPTER XII. THE VERY DETCE TO PAY JOB PEOPOSES TO THE MAID, BUT, SALUTES THE WIDOW. Fate so willed it, that just as the widow's door closed upon Teddy, the Captain hove in sight ; and, spying a friendly sail entering the enemy's harbor ; being incited by curiosity and the hope of getting a peep through the windows, he tacked right-about, which, under the press of sail he was carrying, was rather a dangerous experiment, and he found it so. First he gave a tremendous lee lurch, then a violent pitch ahead, as if he would go down bow foremast and all standing, then righting a little, he shifted his helm and payed off; but the wind clianged, he was fairly in irons, and would have gone over on his beam-ends, had not one of his grapples fastened to a wagon that was fastened to a horse, that stood fasting, fastened to the fence. His other hand now was directed to the friendly wagon, but missing the hind-board, it went over and came in contact with something in 4 74: THE VERY DEUCE TO PAY. a bag that felt very queerly and made a singular noise. Job was just tipsy enough to be very in- quisitive, and so he went to work fumbling about the mouth of the bag, when suddenly a large white turkey flapped in his face, and, giving a farewell squeak, flew up the road. The sight and the fright almost sobered Job. He shook his fist at the departing bird, then shook his fist at the horse, and finally made a critical examination of the wagon, which proved to be the very one that had been in the shed at the store, and in which he had seen Harry riding that afternoon. Having apparently satisfied himself, he hesitated a mo- ment as if about to enter the house, then turning again, set forth for home. ISTo other accidents occurring to our mariner, he was soon comfortably seated in his own cottage, and Mary had just taken his hat and brought his pipe, when the door opened, and there stood mas- ter Harry Flint, quite as large as life, and about as much amazed at the Captain's presence as was the Captain at Harry's visit. At length Job arose, and steadying himself by the back of his chair, demanded, " Well, what the d — 1 do you want now ?" What did he want? That was exactly what Harry did not mean to own, but after beating about JOB USES BAD LANGUAGE. YS his brain for a feasible answer, he finally made the very worst one possible. " Mother wants to get a pair of white turkeys, Captain, and I came up to see if I could buy them of you ?" replied Harry. " Buy 'em, you scamp ! steal 'em, you mean. No, sir, you shan't neither buy nor steal anybody's white turkeys. Blow, me, if you shall have a white turkey anyway." " But I will, though," retorted Harry, really angry. *' We'll see if no man in Bay Harbor can have white fowls but yourself." " If you do," shouted Job, " I'll be " Wh^t he would be, or whft he would have been, is hidden among the undeveloped mysteries, along with the man with the iron mask, and sundry others, for Mary at this time clapped her hand over his mouth, and begged Harry " to go, for her sake." Leaving the Captain to rage as he pleases, and Mary to pacify him if she can, let me furnish a key to a part of the former's conduct, so espe- cially unbecoming in one of his name. The sale of eggs and poultry from his own lit- tle farm had been no slight source of profit to Job ; but although his neighbors were as honest as people in general often get to be, yet from time to time certain of his hens and chickens, turkeys 76 THE VERY DEUCE TO PAY. and geese, with souls above barnyards, and ink- lings towards cosmopolitanism, ^voiild start off upon their travels, and occasionally assist in the foundation of some other colony, whereby a cor- responding diminution of his gains occurred. A bright idea visited him one day. He sold off his entire feathered stock, '' lock, stock, and bar- rel," and invested the money in others, of a purely white breed, easily to be recognized when they played truant. If, by any accident, a white bird broke another man's egg-shell in his vicinity, have it Job would, by fair means or foul. If he could not buy it, he killed it unintentionally, and then paid any moderate pnce demanded for the dam- age. The discovery of the white turkey in the wagon, and the unfortunate offer of Harry to purchase a jDair, had excited his anger to the utmost pitch, for he saw in both, not only an attempt to rob him, but a design to commit other peculations with impunity. The first thing our imfortunate sailor did, upon Harry's departure, was to sink back into his chair exhausted with passion, the next, to call for the bottle of rum and a glass, and having lighted his pipe, he sat in gloomy silence, drinking as if he had a design to commit suicide, and puffing as KEZIAH DELIVERS A LECTURE. 77 thoiigli he would conyert his cottage into a smoke- house. The door opened, and Aunt Keziah entered. " Why, la, Captain Priest," were the spinster's first words, " they do say you're a going to Boston. It cant be so, is it ?" ^ " Yes," grunted the Captain. " Why, father ! really going to Boston ?" in- quired Mary. " I — tell — you — ^yes !" thundered out Job, as if each word were a stake, and he was driving it in. " Oh, dear father, take me with you," said Mary ; but in an instant the thoughts of Harry came into her mind, and she wound up with, " oh, no, I don't want to go, I'm afraid." Job's reply was characteristic. " Shan't do it," said- he, to the first part of his daughter's speech, and then immediately added, by way of reply to the next, " But I will, though. Don't catch me leaving you here for that scoun- drel to run away with." Aunt Keziah now thought it quite time to open her batteries, and accordingly commenced her fire with, " I've talked and talked to her. Captain Job, about that greasy sailor fellow, but it's no sort of use, she's agoing to demean herself: she won't mind you, and don't care for me." " I do mind father," retorted Mary, " and I do 78 , THE VERY DEUCE TO PAY. care for you, as much as you let me ; you torment my life out, and expect me to love you for it." " Torment you !" screamed Keziah, "how dare you say so. I'm as tender as a mother to you, and if I only had a mother's power, I'd make you stipthat nasty scamp." " How da-are you say so-o," sobbed poor Mary ; " if you were half as good and as kind as he is, you would make me happy, and not miserable. Thank heaven, you have not a mother's power over me, and if you had I wouldn't mind you — no one could make me." " No one make ye ?" demanded Job, who thought it high time to put in his oar, and put down the mutiny. " INTo one make ye ? I'd make you — ^if I choose to marry her what business is that of yours, eh ?" " No, no, father, anything but that," shrieked the excited girl; "you will not, you cannot, you dare not," and down came a plump little foot pat on the floor. " Darsent !" roared the Captain ; " but by the living jingo' I will, though, whether she'll have me or not. Now you see what you get by stump- ing me, don't ye V What Keziah would have said, whether she would have coyed it, or fairly jumped at the offer that she had been fishing for ever since her half- 79 sister's death ; how Mary would have acted, and in what manner the devoted Job — the victim of never taking " stumps "■ — would have conducted himself towards his suddenly intended, is a matter that can never be revealed, for at that instant a terrific scream was heard near the door, and then a succession of them appeared to be going up the road with great velocity. Within the house all was hushed fbr a moment, and Job demanded, "What's that?" " Our old white gobler," replied Keziah, '' I know it is, I saw him roosting on the plum-tree as I came in." "Then by the living jingo," exclaimed Job, " I'll have him, and the thief too ;" and catching up a double-barreled gun that hung over the mantel-piece, he seized his hat, swallowed half a glass of " E"ew England " neat, and dashed out of the door in hot pursuit of thief and turkey. We say that a man when intoxicated is one be- side himself, and with some show of truth ; for, let him arrive at a certain latitude upon the map of Bacchus, he will see for two, his tongue and words are doubled, and as for walking, he travels for half a dozen. As Job ran up the road, the screams of the tur- key were heard at intervals, becoming small by 80 THE VERY DEUCE TO PAY. degrees and beautifully less, until they faded away in the distance, or from some reason ceased altogether, and sadly fuddled though our hero was, he had sense enough left to give up the chase, but gave it up only to beard the enemy in his den. Eeturning home with steps doubly uncertain, from the combined effects of too little light and too much liquor, he took another stiff glass to so- ber him, and shouldering his gun again, left with- out a word, with the intention of carrying the fortress of the Flints by assault. The widow Flint had just dropped into a com- fortable slumber, when an outrageous racket awoke her, and jumping up she opened the win- dow and cried out, ^' Why, Harry, is that you, what makes you so late ?" An upturned head was just visible, emitting a terrible uproar, but giving no intelligible answer, and the widow demanded, " Who is that V "I want my t-^cole. Having secured his prize, he cautiously retraced, or rather re-paddled his course to the upper end of the pond, and snugly mooring his boat in a quiet snug nook or bay, commenced his fishing. Whether he was an adept in the gentle craft ; whether he had chanced upon a densely populated situation ; or whether the inhabitants beneath were prodigiously hungry, I cannot say, but it is cer- tain that very soon the bottom of the little skiff was fairly covered with a glorious lot of perch, kicking up their tails, drawing heads and extre- mities as nearly as possible together — Dick would A QUEER NIBBLE. ' 151 call the operation, " bending the crab" — and turn- ing side summersets — flapping about, throwing themselves in a state of most admired confu- sion, and apparently in fine — nay, "finny tine" spirits ; and it is farther certain that Harry be- came at last so entirely engaged and absorbed in the sport as to forget his revengeful feelings towards Job, his deeply laid plans of revenge, and, 1 am almost afraid, even the existence of Mary. At last something appeared to have interfered with the appetite of the fish ; the float no longer disappeared as soon as it touched the surface of the water, but commenced a lazy sideway motion, sometimes dipping down, almost disappearing, as if a fish had fairly taken hold, then rising up again quite erect, and immediately after, travel- ling quietly oif again ; in fact, tantalizing and an- noying the fisher extremely, and Harry's patience at last was exhausted ; he grew quite angry at this absurd conduct upon the part of some un- known, who at the same time trifled with his breakfast and his angler's feelings. " This don't pay," said Harry, rising with an evident determination to do something desperate whenever the mysterious unknown should make another demonstration, " this don't pay, and the 152 TURTLING.- next time the fellow tries it on, if I can't hook him, by Jove ! I'll give him the toothache." He did not wait long; the cork tipped, and Harry struck with great force, but all in vain, at least as far as the fish was concerned ; with regard to himself the effect was different, and the result decided, for, not meeting with the anticipated re- sistance, over his head flew pole and line, and over went he, fortunately falling in the boat, and not out of it, and doubtless creating most unne- cessary alarm among the innocent fish in that vicinity, who must have imagined that an earth- quake had just commenced "coming off," if they thought at all about it, while very hastily chang- ing their quarters, and seeking some less dan- gerous locality. Harry scrambled up again, rub- bed the back of his head, and other afflicted por- tions of his corporeal system, and then looked around him. A small black object was visible on the surface of the water ; it was not larger than a nutmeg, but possessed a very sparkling and inquisitive pair of green eyes, that were evidently engaged in seeking out the cause of the disturbance, and looking around for the delicate bit of worm which had suddenly disappeared in so unaccountable a manner. " Confound that turtle ! I might have known it AN IMPERTINENT TURTLE. 153 if I had'nt been a fool," exclaimed the irritated fisherman, striking at the offending head with his pole ; but the former was quite wide awake, and disappeared before the latter had half reached the water. The persevering enemy however was not to be driven off so easily, for ere the pole had been re- stored to an upright position, up popped the little head again, and the little eyes — brighter and greener than ever — fairly winked at Harry in a very audacious and impertinent manner, and said as plainly as eyes ever said, " don't you wish you could get at me, my fine fellow." ' " Well, I'll be blowed !"— I think it was blowed, — began Harry, at the same time stooping to pick up a paddle in order to try the effect of pro- jectiles upon turtles' heads. "Well, I'll be blowed - — what's that ? Who's calling me ?" This sudden diversion of thought and speech upon our sailor's part, was occasioned by a voice that he heard, or imagined that he heard, from the neighboring bushes. He listened a moment, and presently — there w^as no mistake about it this time — came — " Harry, Ha-a-a-rry ! " The voice was a pleasant voice, but the tone was somewhat impatient ; perhaps a little irritated. " Who's there ? " demanded Harry. 154: TURTLING. " It's me," replied the voice, violating the rules of grammar, in its anxiety to make itself known, but not succeeding after all. "Who's 'me?'" " Why la, Harry, don't you know ? It's me, Mary ; " and Mary it was, sure enough ; and there was a little face, nicely hemmed in by graceful curls and surrounded by the nicest, whitest, snuggest little sun-bonnet in the \yorld, peeping out from among the bushes. The head was a very pretty head, much prettier than the turtle's, but far more dangerous to look upon ; and the eyes were quite as bright, and even more mischievous. If I should tell you, you would scarcely believe how soon Harry was on shore ; but if you think it is my intention to report what occurred immedi- ately upon his arrival, you are quite mistaken ; in fact, had you been near the spot, you might have heard the report yourself: I shall say nothing about it, but Mary's speech may serve to throw a little light upon the matter. . " Be quiet, and have done ! " she screamed, — there was no one near, and she was sure of it. " I didn't come here to be treated so, and you know it." " I know better," replied Harry ; " but if you don't like it, you can have it back again." " No, you don't, Mr. Harry," she answered ; EMBRACING AN OPPORTUNITY. 155 ^' you ought to have been at church last Sunday, and have heard what the minister said about lip- service. I don't want any of it." The particulars of Harry's opening or salutatory address, are none of our afiair ; as he had of late seen but little of Mary, and had enjoyed but few chances of saying sweet things, &c., it is highly probable the present opportunity was properly em- braced, and you all know what that means. "Parse opportunity," said a pedagogue to a pretty girl of fifteen. " Opportunity, sir," -was the reply, "is a very common noun, third person plural number, femi- nine gender " " Feminine gender ? " repeated Eatans, in amaze- ment. " And, pray, how do you make that out ? " " Why, sir," returned Miss, " I suppose so, for the men are always embracing them." Having settled the preliminaries, our contracting parties proceeded to business, and Mary informed Harry that she had sought him out, at his mother's request, to advise with him concerning the great plot against the indomitable Captain. Harry's plan was simple enough, being neither more nor less than to keep up Job's delusion with regard to his drowning, and in some way — not yet devised — frighten him — the Captain — out of his design for Mary's match with young Bigler, and loG TUBTLINO. into one that would be more agreeable to the pre- sent parties. To this notable scheme there was one serious objection : Job's immediate departure for Boston. When Mary imparted this alarming fact, Harry at fii-st expressed himself " taken all aback," but finally concluded " not to give it up so," but to steal up to the city, until the Captain's return, and so this part of the conference ended. Mary also informed him, that she had been com- manded by her father, to have her trunk packed and on board the sloop as soon as the ballast was taken in, and farther enjoined her to be on board herself, in sailing order, by sunset, at which time he expected to return. Now, as the vessel would doubtless be all ready and hauled off into the channel by 2 p.m., and as both Pete and Dick could be depended upon, it occurred to Harry that he might row Mary off very quietly at the latter hour, and spend a pleas- ant afternoon with her on the Sally Ann, without any one but themselves and the aforesaid crew being a bit the wiser. All this having been duly arranged, this Con- gress, quite as important and not half so ridiculous as the late affair at Ostend, broke up peaceably, and Harry conducted Mary out of the wood. The path being very narrow, and the pair deeply A WAI8TER. ' 157 engaged in conversation, Harry found it indispen- sably necessary to sustain Mary, by placing his arm around her waist ; otherwise, they could not have walked side by side. Having commenced his sea-service as a " waist- er," the sailor did not find this at all difficult, and as for Mary, — seeing the necessity, she submitted to it as a matter of course. When they parted at the termination of the wood-path, it is probable that Harry had some- thing of very grave importance, requiring the observation of great secrecy to impart, since his' head disappeared, for quite a time, beneath the overhanging roof of the sun-bonnet, and he held the girl very close indeed to him, to prevent the escape of the least syllable. CHAPTER XXII. IN WHICH JOB MAKES A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY. " CoNSARN the birds," said Captain Job, as he set forth upon his journey inland — " consarn the birds ! I don't see what on airth 's the use of their etarnal jabber; if I had ye" — shaking his fist at a tree full of them — " if I only had ye by the throat, wouldn't I clap on a stopper over all, wouldn't I ? that's all." Having relieved his feelings by this anathema against the feathered tribe, he rolled on as fast as his short legs would allow him, but his speed after all was not much to boast of; for, although quite able to hold his own when on board the saucy little '' Sally Ann," he was anything but a clipper, when he had his land- tacks aboard. It was quite early when he set forth, and the dis- tance to Bigler's home — his ultimate destination — only some four miles in a direct line ; but heavy fields of grass and grain prevented his taking the short-cut, and so he was obliged to go full a mile directly out of the way, and to pass the widow's. BIGLER FOUND OUT. 159 — which he did very sheepishly indeed, — then hav- ing reached the main road, he had a long and, for the island, quite a steep hill to ascend ; and finally, having gained the top, finding himself completely blown, and not really nearer his journey's end than when he started, he concluded to call at a friend's, who lived hard by — with whom he had extensive dealings in the clam and oyster line ; — while here, a pipe or two must be smoked, and a glass or so of grog discussed; so that, at ten o'clock, instead of finding himself fairly anchored in port, he was only getting under way for his second start. Now, any one at all acquainted with Long Island, knows that travelling on a sandy road in a hot June morning, especially if the traveller rolls considerably in his gait, and progresses cow- fashion, is pretty hot work ; and so Job found it. He said very improper things about the road, and the weather ; condemned to perdition his own eyes, those of the widow, of Harry, and finally of old Bigler and his son ; took a rest for every ten min- utes of walk, making the rests much longer than the labor; and at last, hot, cross, and tired, made the port at precisely meridian, and found that he might have his labor for his pains, as old Bigler had gone to New York with marketing. His intended son-in-law, Tony, was at home, to 160 JOB MAKES A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY. be sure ; but Job, although determined upon the relationship, knew him to be altogether too great a fool to advise with concerning his present predic- ament. The family mansion of the Biglers was a long, rambling concern, an assortment of low houses, commencing with a story-and-a-half affair, then one of a single story joined to it, another lesser yet appended, and finally a long wash-room completed the odd assemblage. Each had been painted when built, and the same colors were impartially bestowed upon all : a deep brick-red on the sides, and a Spanish-brown on the roof ; but time had fairly destroyed every vestige of paint upon the old family seat; had nearly obliterated the flaming glories of mansion the second ; treated the third in rather a shabby manner; and was now at work on number four, whose color, although decidedly red, presented a stale and somewhat wo-begone appearance, — the original brilliance having departed. In the low door of number three, a building an- swering the combined purposes of kitchen and dining-room, stood the lady of the castle — the dame Bigler herself — a lady physically the anti- thesis of Aunt Keziah, and who was at this mo- ment occupied in filling the door-way with her person, and a huge conch-shell with her breath ; MRS. BIGLER BLOWS HER HORN. 161 in fine, she was summoning all the retainers of the Bigler family to their mid-day repast. It is not my intention to describe the lady's de- light at the sight of the venerated Job, nor shall I relate all the hospitable kindness showered upon him ; it is quite enough for our purpose to know, that through the dame's instrumentality he was stufiied almost to suffocation, although not restored to his usual equanimity of mind, even by this agreeable relaxation. In fact, after discovering the absence of the ^pater-familias^ Job scarcely uttered a syllable un- til he announced his intention of returning imme- diately and incontinently to Bay Harbor and to the " Sally Ann." Then arose from Mrs. Bigler a torrent of re- monstrances against so rash a step. "Why! to think of walking five miles in the broiling sun after so hearty a dinner — though the Captain hadn't eat nothin to speak on ; she was sure she didn't know where he had lost his appetite : her vittles was common, she knew, and not what folks usen to visitin York was usen to; but they was clean and wholesome, though she said it herself, — and there, if she hadn't forgot to offer the Captain suthin to rest him and keep off the hot sun ! " The " suthin " was contained in a black bottle, 162 JOB MAKES A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY. and Job took more kindly to her prescription than he did to her advice. Now the old lady had a plan in her head, and it was no less than to detain the impracticable sea- man nntil Jerry should have time to harness the old mare, and get out the best wagon wherewithal to carry the former back to the Harbor. In this she was partly successful ; she held the Captain enchained by her skill in converse, until the wagon, the mare, and Tony made their joint appearance at the door ; but then Mrs. Bigler real- ized the truth of an old proverb, concerning leading a horse to water, and afterward compelling him to drink — Job would not ride, and that was the whole of it. It is highly probable that he would have re- turned a rude answer to the repeated and deter- mined solicitations of the old lady and her son, had not his attention been attracted to the wagon. The Captain was not in the habit of noticing either wagons or horses, but somehow this particu- lar specimen seemed to be an old acquaintance ; and while Mrs. Bigler ran on with her solicitations in an apparently endless strain, our hero proceeded to examine the vehicle. There was no mistake about it ; it was the identical wagon that he had seen in the store-shed the previous afternoon ; the very one that stood before the widow's door, and. DEMAND FOR " SHORT CUT." 163 if confirmation were needed, the presence of an empty sack and a few white feathers gave it. A host of ideas rushed at once into Job's brain, jostling themselves for want of room, and caus- ing the said brain's proprietor great uneasiness from the extreme rarity of the event. As he did not know what to say, he said nothing, but deter- mined to " up sail " for home with all speed. 'Not far from the Bigler Mansion was a strip of woodland, which extended as far as the pond ; it was on the right of the main road, at some distance from it, and being bounded on the farther side by poor, scrub-oak land, and then by the great plain, or prairie, of the Island, was almost a wilderness, and seldom frequented, except by the farmer in quest of fire-wood, or an occasional sportsman in search of game. Our Captain turned sharply around, and inter- rupted the flow of the dame's eloquence by an in- quiry of Tony as to the existence of a path, which, in his boyish, rabbit-hunting days, ran through this wood. Tony at first said — yes, and then — no ; finally became confused, and in a blundering way endeav- ored to convince the Captain of the impossibility of his finding the way ; but as this only rendered Job more firm in his determination to attempt it, the youth volunteered his services as guide. 104: JOB MAKES A WONDERFrL DISCOVERY. This, Job would not hear of, and cut the matter short by marching off. His memory did not be- tray him, for he not only found the wood-patli without difficulty, but found it, too, in much better condition than he had expected. Following on, for perhaps a quarter of a mile, he discovered a wonderful change : the well-travelled track sud- denly became almost extinct, and was nearly lost amid a maze of imderbrush and blackberry- bushes, in which he floundered about for a while, and then thinking he had missed the way, returned upon his tracks. He regained the well-beaten path, and found that, without any apparent reason, the travel upon it went to a certain point, and then seemed to cease abruptly. lie stooped down to examine more closely, and soon discovered that the foot- prints evidently were turned into the wood ; so into the wood he plunged, and upon stumbling over a lot of limbs and brush, placed as a ruse-de- guerre^ found the continuation of the path. Tliis soon led him to a piece of wet, marshy ground ; but through it w^ent he, and when upon the other side, a sight that filled him with amaze- ment and indignation met his eye. It was a huge turkey-pen, in w^hich were con- fined at least an hundred fine, fat birds, with BIGLER "found OUt" AGAIN. 165 clipped wings, and among them his own white gobbler, with two junior brethren. Who was the turkej-thief, was now perfectly apparent, and cursing his own folly and obstinacy, which, he was persuaded, had resulted in the death of Harry Flint, he clambered over the pen, se- cured his property, and, having tied their legs, threw the birds over his shoulder, made his way through the woods to the road, and took the short- est cut home — caring very little whose grass or grain he trampled down. The Yankee clock upon the kitchen mantle- tree was striking three as the Captain entered ; Keziah was just striking one, — an offending cat, taken in the very act of committing a petty larceny. " Keziah ! " demanded Job, throwing himself in a chair, " vvhere's Mary ? " " Pete 's been here after her trunk, and she has gone aboard too," replied the maiden. " Put my things in a bundle, and look sharp about it," commanded Job. This was soon done, and Job was about leaving the house without another word, when Keziah laid her hand upon his arm, and in a voice of most ominous softness, said, " But, dear Job, before you go — you know — I don't know what to say — you are so strange." " I said I'd marry you, and when I come back, 166 JOB MAKES A WONDERFUL DISCOVERT. I will, by the living jingo ! " replied Job ; " but I can't stop now. Good-bye." " Farewell, dear Job," sighed the maiden, fall- ing upon his weather-beaten neck, and showing strong symptoms of engaging in the fainting busi- ness. 1 Our hero deposited his interesting burden upon a chair, and catching up his bundle, hastened out. CHAPTER XXIII. OFF AT LAST, AND WriH ONE HAND ON BOARD, NOT DOWN IN THE SHIPPING PAPERS. During the absence of Captain Job, the " Sally Ann," or rather her crew, had not been idle. Immediately after his departure, they had weighed anchor — it did not weigh much, by the way — • hoisted the jib, ran across the narrow strip of water that constituted the upper Bay, and made fast to a small wharf near the squire's store. By 1 p. M., the provisions, and ballast — some twenty loads of round stone — were on board, and as the tide had commenced running out, Pete hastened across the Bay in his small boat for Mary's trunk, and having got it on board, cast off his moorings, and running through the narrow, tortuous channel that connected the two Bays, came to an anchor in the lower — all ready for Job, when he should make his appearance. When Pete and the trunk left the house to- gether, Mary started in their company, but contin- ued in it no longer than she reached the shore. 168 OFF AT LAST. Here she found Harry awaiting her, and seated upon a rock on the beach, they watched the mate's progress across the Bay, waited until the sloop was nearly through the channel, and then embarking in a snug skiff, went in pursuit of her. They were soon on the deck of the vessel, and Mary having declared that she must go immedi- diately down in the cabin, and " put it to rights ; " of course Harry went down also to assist her. It is to be presumed that when below, they found a great deal to do; for, more than an hour had passed, without their reappearing on deck. How much longer they would have staid had they not been disturbed, does not appear; but their cabin-cleaning was suddenly put a stop to, by Pete's calling Harry, and requesting his pre- sence above. ■ It seems that in their haste to get away from the wharf, one important command of Job had been neglected. He had told them to leave the small boat for him, and in the place of so doing, they had towed it astern along with them, and now Pete wanted the loan of Harry's skiff to take the boat back to the wharf, and leave it there. '* What time will the old man be back ? " asked Harry. " Not afore sundown, he said, when he gin out his orders," replied Pete. PETE MAKES A SPEECH. 160 " Well, then, you are welcome to my skiff; but, Pete, don't you hang about the store, and let Cap- tain Job catch you there, and me here," said Harry. " If you do," interrupted Mary, " if you do, Pete, I'll 1 don't know what I'll do to you, but it will be something dreadful." " Pshaw I Miss Mary," answered the gallant mate, " you wouldn't hurt a mouse, to say nothin about a poor feller like me, unless you did it with them eyes of yourn ; but don't be skeart — he can't catch me ; might as well catch a weasel." " I'll tell ye what," continued he energetically, " I'll tell ye what — if I let the old man catch you here, Captin Flint, may I never dance at your weddin, and if I don't expect to do that shortly, and at Captin Job's house too, may I be keel- hauled, that's all." Kow, this was a wonderful speech for Pete ; certainly the longest he was ever known to make, and it hit right and left with its compliments, like a double-barrel ; somehow the " Captin " tickled Harry amazingly, and the allusion to her eyes fairly made Mary blush. " Now, go along, Pete," she exclaimed ; " I don't know what's got into you. What do you know about girls' eyes ? "^ " Not much. Miss Mary," he replied, as he went 8 170 OFF AT LAST. over the side ; " but I'd like to see a pair beat yourn, — that's all." Off went Pete, pulling the skiff, and towing the other boat, and Harry being on deck, commenced an examination of the vessel and her rigging, with the critical eye of a thorough seaman. All was seemingly satisfactory until he came to the quarter-deck, and then he seemed to be search- ing for something in vain ; at last he called — "Dick!" Dick, at this moment was, as usual, reversed, and treating his heels to a sight of Pete and the two boats ; but, having turned right side up with great alacrity, acknowledged the call, in man-of-war's style, with an — " Aye, aye, sir." " Where have you st6wed your compass, Dick ? " '* Ain't got none, sir." " No compass ! — why, Mary, it can't be possible that the old fool — beg pardon, — didn't mean to offend you — but it can't be, that your father is go- ing outside without a compass ; why, I must ship for this voyage, whether the old man wants me or not." " No, indeed ; you neither can nor shall," replied Mary. "If he should find you on board, the world would come to an end ; or, if it didn't, there would be an end to every thing between us, you 171 may depend. Now promise me, that whatever happens, you will not let my father find you here." Of course Harry had to give the promise, and then it occurred to him that they had not quite fin- ished righting the cabin ; so down they went, and there they staid until aroused by Dick, who was on the look-out. " Hallo ! " shouted the urchin, " you'd better rouse out below there ; old man 's close aboard, along with Pete, and they're comin it with the tide, I tell you ; the old boat 's a walkin." Here was a predicament, a regular fix : Harry on board, the sloop out in the stream, and no means of leaving her except by swimming. He proposed to ^lay Leander for this occasion only ; but the proposition was promptly and decidedly negatived by Mary, who, after thinking a moment, came to the conclusion, that present dangers must be guarded against, and future ones suflfered to take care of themselves. Now the " Sally Ann," small as she was, had both cabin and forecastle, although both were on rather a limited scale, and down the forecastle Mary — who had fairly taken command on the emergency — ordered the sailor. A movable bulk- head separated the forecastle from the hold, and by removing a board, Harry found his way into the latter, where he was under strict orders to re- 1Y2 OFF AT LAST. main until Captain Job should return to shore, as both supposed that he certainly would. Mar}^, having secured Harry's retreat, took up a position in the cabin, pulled out a book from her trunk, and went at it, as if for a hard day's work. Presently the boat was heard close aboard, — some one jumped on deck, then the boat was ap- parently hauled round to the stern and made fast, and at last Job's voice was heard — " All hands, up killock ! " If the pair below were completely surprised by Job's sudden arrival, they were now fairly con- founded ; but woman's wit soon came to the res- cue, and stepping to the thin partition that sepa- rated the cabin from the hold, she pushed aside a movable plank, and called Harry to her in a low voice. " What is it, Mary ? " asked he, " and what in thunder am I to do, — caught here like a rat in a trap?" " What are you to do?" she replied ; " act like a man as you are ; see there, through the cabin- windows ; you can take that boat, and make your escape as soon as it is dark. If you fail, why make the best of it. I should think you might make the trip to Boston where you are, for my sake, if you love me as well as you say." " Yes ; but, Mary," he began — THINGS GETTING " NO BETTER VERY FAST." 173 " No * buts' about it," she returned, " but right back into your cubby-house, and wait my orders," and giving him a slight push, she pulled the plank again in its place. It must be confessed that in despite of the dan- ger they ran, she could scarcely refrain from a hearty laugh at the ridiculous predicament in which her lover was placed. Perhaps Mary was a little romantic, and rather fancied the idea of the sailor's escape from her out- raged and indignant father, by quietly stealing away in the moonlight in the outraged and indig- nant father's own and only boat. If she did, the next command from on deck was as good as a bucket of water on her hopes and aspirations. " Here, you Dick ! jump about, and haul the boat around to the shrouds. You, Pete ! let the jib alone, and rig a tackle to hoist her in ; we ought to have done it afore we got up the killock, but 'tain't too late ; if Pm goin to sea, Pll go ship- shape, by the living jingo !" " Captain," said Pete, in a supplicating tone, " I guess 'tain't worth while ; them Boston schooners always tows their boats astarn." "Who asked your advice. Mister Pete?" de- manded Job. " Who 's Captin aboard here, Fd like to know ? — 'bey order's, or Pll put you ashore, by the living jingo ! " 174 OFF AT LAST. As this tlireat had been made every time that Pete had volunteered his advice, for the last fif- teen years, he did not mind it much, but the usual effect was produced, and he said no more on the subject. CHAPTEK XXIY. A NEW " ROAD TO BOSTON" PETE OBEYS ORDERS, AND PLAYS THE VERY D L. The Sally Ann, completely adrift, floated out upon a strong tide, while master and crew were securing the small boat. Round and round went the sloop, until the job was done to Job's satisfac- tion, and then hoisting the jib, he got steerage way on the vessel, put Dick at the tiller, and with Pete commenced hauling away at "peak and throat- halyards." In a few minutes, the Sally Ann was walking out of the harbor in a way that no other Bay sloop could imitate. Buoyed up and carried along by the " ebb," with a strong breeze from the South just abaft the beam, away she flew dashing oif little jets of spray from her bows, as if rejoicing at her escape from the shore. Job's spirits rose with the increasing speed of his vessel, and as spirits arose above deck, he determined they should descend below, so below he went to freshen his nip. [N'ow, our hero, as I have before hinted, was always able and willing 176 A NEW " ROAD TO BOSTON." to take his allowance, but seldom exceeded it. He had stepped over the bounds the preceding night, and the events of the evening had so worked upon his usually calm and self-possessed mind, that the man was anything but himself — which some per- sons, perhaps, may be malicious enough to con- sider a gain. The morning's discovery, together with sundry and divers deep draughts, had not helped matters at all, and it would have been evident to an experienced observer, that Job, at this particular moment, although able to carry full sail, would have to " close reef " and " lay to," should the wind freshen a little more. Well, below he went, and having helped him- self rather deeply, soon emerged again with Mary in tow. The Sally Ann was doing even better than before. Away slie flew past cove, and head- land, and shingled beach, past fishers' huts, and clusters of old trees growing upon the water's brink, that seemed to nod approval to her pro- gress, and waved their green boughs as a parting token of their friendship. Away she flew past knots of children upon the shore, and as her shadow fell upon them, they looked up from play, leaving their tiny boats to undertake rash voyages upon their own account, and the boys shouted with delight, threw up their weather-beaten hats, and cut queer antics upon the sand, while the girls A WATER PICTUBE. 177 danced, clapped their hands, and waved their aprons : away she flew, past the yawning mouth of " Muscle Bay " upon the left, past the rocky headland on the right, and the broad sound opened before her. Pete sings out in an authoritative voice to Dick to come aft and pay out the main sheet, — for they are to have the wind almost astern, when they shall have turned the corner, and headed up the Sound — but to the astonishment of all hands, the captain countermands the order, and directs the helmsman to lay his course for the Connecticut shore. The water is covered with sail. Here, on the right, approach two bright-sided top-sail schooners, with every thing set, and evidently trying their relative speed. Up the sound appears a fleet of Long Island sloops, returning home with their loads of ashes and manure, convoyed by two or three Boston schooners, with their high bulwarks, and half sea-going appearance. Here is a sloop with her mast leaning so far forward as almost to convey the idea that it is going by the board ; there, half way to the opposite main-land, a dozen or more saucy-looking smacks, with their black hulls and cocked up noses — bows I mean — all making famous headway, and caring but little whether it blows high or low. Scattered about, 8* 178 A NE^V and shaping their courses North, South, East or West, may be seen occasional brigs and brigan- tines, and a stray bark or so, while a pair of steamers, leaving their black smoke-trails between us and the blue heaven, and an awkward, black, weather-beaten, and storm-abused whale ship, working slowly along for her home at New Lon- don or Stonington, complete the picture. The Boston schooners that I have mentioned were about four miles west of the Sally Ann, and midway between the Connecticut and Long Island shores, so that as the sloop's speed was evidently much greater than theirs, and the width of the Sound at this point about ten miles, Job's calcu- lation that by laying his course right across, he must fall in with them, proved correct. When within a mile of the nearest schooner, Job took the helm, called Mary to his side, and perceiving that they would necessarily cross the bow of the vessel if they held on, he ordered Pete to haul in the main sheet, and " luflSng," turned the head of the sloop up the Sound, running right on a wind, and directly for the schooner. In five minutes they were abreast of her, and then " keeping away," ran fairly under her stern, and Mary, at her father's request, read her name, "The ' Arno,' of Augusta.'" " Won't do," said Job, " leastways, if she's 179 bound there." And clapping his hands — impro- vised into a speaking trumpet for the occasion — to his mouth, he hailed, — " Wharbouts ye bound ?" " Bath, with corn and flour." Job shook his head, and held on his course, but in a few minutes round he went again, and return- ing, ran under the stern of schooner number two. Mary read, " 'Evaline,' of Boston." " Where ye bound, and what's your loadin ?" roared out Job. " Boston, with dry g<»ods and groceries." '' That'll do. I'm after ye," replied Job, as he shot by the schooner. Now, it happened that the Sally Ann's small boat was placed upon lier hatches, crossway of the deck, and covered with an old tarpaulin, and not being of the regular and legitimate jolly boat species, but a long clinker built afi'air, it presented to the inquiring eyes of Captain Elnathan Per- kins — who was standing on the Evaline's stern — quite a suspicious appearance. The tout enaemUe of the Sally Ann was innocent in the extreme, but Captain Perkins — an exceed- ingly cautious character — some how did not fancy it. He had heard of modest-looking pirates, with gigantic " long tonis " upon t^eir (Jecks, and 180 A NEW " guessed that long critter looked pesky like one, covered up with a heap of old sail." " What did that feller sing out last ?" he de- manded of his mate. " Why, when you said our cargo was dry goods and groceries, he sung out that you'd do^ and that he'd catch you," replied the mate. If the appearance of the sloop, coupled with the supposed threat of her master, disturbed Cap- tain Perkins' equanimity of mind, subsequent events alarmed him still more, for the Sally Ann continued her strange manoeuvres. She ran on a few miles, and Perkins flattered himself that he was done with her ; then, off went she to the windward, and very soon round she came again, and passing him a second time, left liim astern. This was repeated more than once ; in fact, per- sisted in until nightfall, when Job, having as he supposed ascertained the exact relative speed of the two vessels, suffered the Sally Ann to fall full lialf a mile astern, and taking a reef in both main- sail and jib, kept on a straight course with the Evaline. Whether Mary would have volunteered her services as cook, if Harry had not been aboard, I cannot say, but that she did so I am very certain, and also that, as the conveniences in the culinary HEBE AND GANYMEDE. 181 department were all to be found in the forecastle, she had the assistance of Harry, which may ac- count for the pains she took in preparing supper, and the length of time she was about it. From the time that Job first took the tiller, until nearly nine o'clock, he did not leave his post, but Mary had played the part of Hebe, and Dick of Ganymede, so often in the interim, that when he resigned the command to Pete, informing that worthy person of his intention to " turn in " after supper, and also conveying a command, in no gen- tle terms, that the Evaline must be kept in sight during the night, his legs proved scarcely compe- tent to the task of conveying their owner below. A hearty supper, and another stiff glass, com- pletely did the business, and Job, rolling into his berth, was certainly safe for the next six hours. Under these circumstances Master Harry was released pro tern, from durance vile, and with Mary took a seat in the bow, relieving Dick from the " look-out," into whi-ch important function Pete had inducted him, in consideration of the extraordinary magnitude of the present voyage. All things were going on quietly and pleasantly on the Sally Ann. The captain enjoyed his toddy and his nap ; the mate felt additional importance, in having the command, for the time, of a vessel that was really going outside ; and, moreover, hav- 183 A NEW ing smuggled a fishing-line in his pocket, had it dragging astern, with a hook baited with salt pork, in the vain hope of capturing a blue fish ; while Mary and Harry were probably about as happy as common every-day mortals often get to be. Another state of afiairs reigned on board the " Evaline." The suspicions of the captain had strengthened into fears. . The " Evaline," although not a match for the sloop in a moderate wind, was a fast sailer, and by midnight had drawn miles ahead of all the fleet that had come through the " Gate " with her. The Boston steamer had passed her, and Captain Perkins, having gradually dropped the Sally Ann astern, was beginning to soothe his perturbed mind with the idea tliat he was done with her, when, lo and behold, the " pesky critter," as he denominated her, was discovered to be coming up with him, hand over hand ; the fact of the busi- ness being, that our friend Pete, having found the sloop was losing ground, had, with Harry's assist- ance, shaken out the reefs, and the Sally Ann was crawling up to the windward very fast indeed. The wind, that had been at their embarking nearly south-west, was fast hauling around to the north, and increasing very considerably. Fisher's and Block Islands were passed, Peconic Bay was on the right, and Captain Perkins had more than A COTJNCIL OF WAR. 183 half a mind to run in ; but if he tried it, might not the pirate, if she were one, overhaul him in less than no time ; and besides, he had some linger- ing idea that he might be well laughed at for his mistaking a little sloop for a great, bloody pirate — rather a rarity of late years upon the peaceful waters of Long Island Sound ; so he contented himself with clapping on gaft-top-sails, and keep- ing his hands busy with the scoot-horn wetting the sails. In spite of everything, however, the sloop hung on his quarter, and was approaching him every moment, and every moment his fears increased, until he called the mate and communicated them to him. Our cautious captain had a cautious mate, and the latter embracing the former's notions most cor- dially, a council of war was immediately held be- tween the twain. "^N'ow," said the captain, " here it is, you see ; she 's been a dodgin' oft' and on, all the afternoon ; when dusk comes, she reefs in her jib and main- sail, and hangs astern till midnight, then shakes 'em out, and overhauls us hand over hand. What's to be done ? " The mate, a very sententious character, replied, laconically, " Eun away." 184 A NEW " Oh, yes," said Perkins ; " say run away, and do it, 's two things, I guess." " Guess not," replied the mate. " Sloop 's light ; wind 's freshnin, haulin nothe ; beats us on this tack, can't with stiffer breeze and more sea ; Eva- line's best plum on a wind ; just keep away, and run clean out into blue water." "By thunder!" ejaculated the captain, "I'll try it," and he did. This singular proceeding on the part of Captain Perkins may account for the fact, that, at the mo- ment Captain Job poked his head above the com- panion-hatch, the ensuing morning, — a lusty, fair- weather sea, on a visit to the Sally Ann's deck, caught him up, and rolled him, very much aston- ished, down the ladder again. The truth of the business being, that the Sally Ann, at this partic- ular time, was full fifty miles at sea, crowding everything to catch a top-sail schooner a mile or so ahead, steering as if she were bound for the Mediterranean, and taking the shortest possible cut. CHAPTER XXY. THE E VALINE FORSAKES HEB COMPANION. — ^JOB AFLOAT LIKE A BEAK IN A WASH-TUB. Beyond all question there is a 'vast amount of poetry in the ocean ; the line of grace is visible in its every movement, and there is any quantity of sublimity in its rage. Poets, however, had better let it alone ; for, with the solitary exception of Falconer, almost every one of the tribe that has meddled with it, has only succeeded in burning his fingers. Byjon, to be sure, bade " the deep and dark blue ocean roll," in rather a majestic manner, but even he would have made a fist of it, had he gone into details. The majority of our sea songs are simply ridiculous ; take, as an exam- ple, the famous lines, " A wet sheet, and a flowing sea," and what do you suppose the author knew about blue water ? A wet " slieet^'' indeed ! The poor fellow probably thought it meant a sail, but it 186 THE EVALINE FORSAKES HER COMPANION. only happens to be a rope — and wet ropes are not over-agreeable to handle. An American poet of some celebrity has intro- duced the subject with such a string of metaphor, as I never " met 'afore." Hear him : " Though pleased to see the dolphins play, He minds his compass and his way ; And oft he throws the wary lead, To see what dangers may be hid. At helm he makes his reason sit, His crew of passions all submit : Thus, thus he steers his bark, and sails, On upright keel, to meet the gales." Now, here is a charming piqture of a jolly old sea-dog, standing at the stern gazing on his com- pass, and at the same time peeping over the bows grinning at the dolphins, and bursting off all his buttons with uproarious shouts of laughter at their queer antics. See him in mid-ocean heaving the " wary lead " — weary ^ I presume, is meant, as the metal has quite a reputation for stupidity— and peering down into the bottom of the sea, to take a squint at the dangers there snugly stowed away. The greatest difficulties, however, I should im- agine, would be to keep his vessel on an upright keel all the time, and to sail right plump in the " wind's eye." As I said before, there is a vast amount of poetry in the ocean, but somehow, our friend Job DICK EMBRACES THE OPPORTTJNITY. 187 did not properly appreciate it. Perhaps the fault was in his temperament. Be that as it may, when he re-ascended the ladder, thoroughly drenched, and trying to clear his mouth of salt water, it was no benignant eye that he bent upon poor Pete ; and it was no very pleasant voice that he employed to address him with. " Wherebouts be we, Pete, and what consarned fool shine ye been cuttin' up now with the sloop ?" "Been 'beyin' orders. Captain Priest," replied the mate, " and as for wherebouts we be, we're on the road to Boston, I guess. There's the Boston chap you told me to f oiler, any ways." "By the livin' jingo, then," said Job, "you'd best overhaul him, and ask how much further it is afore we get there." " We'd best catch him first," retorted the mate. " And may be its somebody else's trick at the tiller, for Pm plaguy nigh done up." " Well, well, Pete," replied Job, " that's sense, any way. " I'll take her, and you may turn in ; but stop, where's Dick ? You Dick ! hello ! where be ye?" If the captain could have looked behind the mast, he might have seen our young friend, wrong end uppermost, he having embraced the opportu- nity and improved the occasion to convert his 188 THE EVALINE FORSAKES HER COMPANION. favorite science into a practical utility, namely, a new system of drainage — lie was draining his boots. Dick, having made his appearance, was ordered below, to bring up something to remove the un- pleasant flavor of sea water from the captain's mouth, and to open the mate's eyes. The " bitters " put Job in a more amiable state of mind, which lasted until happening to look be- hind him, he beheld the mate's line dragging astern. " Out knife and at it," was the word, and away went hook and line, away went Pete's hopes of distinguishing himself by the capture of some sea monster, and away went Pete himself down the fore-hatch, and was seen no more for some hours. All day long the vessels held on the same course, and the Evaline kept her distance but did not increase it. By nightfall they were well out in the broad Atlantic, having crossed the regular beaten track, and therefore quite unlikely to fall in with any other craft. Job had done his duty manfully during the day, to make amends for Pete's long watch the previous night. The bottle had suffered badly, being his only counsellor, for obstinate as he was, he did not half like the situ- ation of affairs. A tormenting cross-sea had got up by the change of wund, and it made Job par- THE TAR DISLIKES THE PITCH. 189 ticularly cross. Old tar as he was, he did not like the pitch at all, and all his efforts to overtake the Evaline were fruitless. The sea that was on, and the strong breeze, combined to make her quite equal to the sloop in speed. Pete had slept away the morning, and relieved Job occasionally, during the afternoon. Mary had cooked the three prescribed meals, and consoled Harry in the forecastle, the latter also consoling himself, thought of the scrape that Job had got into, and with a notion, that worse was to come. Dick had whittled out seven Sally Anns, three Evalines, and upset himself as often as he found a safe and convenient opportunity of so doing. The day had gone by without even the glimpse of another sail than the Evaline. On board the latter vessel fear and consternation reigned supreme. That they were chased by a pirate appeared now to be past doubt ; that no other way remained but to hold on the coui-se they were steering, was equally clear. She held her own upon this tack, and experiments were danger- ous. Captain Perkins knew, however, and trem- bled at the knowledge, that if the wind should lull, or the sea get down a little, it would be all up with them. The armory was overhauled, and found to con- sist of one old ducking-gun without any lock, one 190 THE EVALmE FORSAKES HER COMPANION. carving-knife loose in the handle, four handspikes, and a marlin-spike. The crew were mustered, and turned out one captain, one mate, two able-bodied seamen, one green hand, a cabin-boy, and a gentleman from Erin's Isle, working his passage, which he effected by doing nothing himself, but making work for the rest. The latter's voice was all for fight ; all others' voices for flight. One wide-awake down-easter proposed an increase of wages and extra pay, and if any fighting should really occur, and the schooner come off victorious, intimated his intention of instituting a claim for salvage. This had the effect of stimulating the captain to renewed exertions. Having exhausted his .skill in endeavoring to incite the Evaline to the per- formance of a miracle of speed, he had recourse to his library. Captain Perkins was a great reader : his library consisted of three volumes, — the " Bible," the " Pi- rate's own Book," and Cooper's " Water-Witch." The first of these he reserved for the last moment, when all hope should be lost ; the second — his prime favorite — ^he shuddered even to look at; while the third he luckily opened at the very page which describes the ingenious escape of the "Water-Witch" from a cruiser, by misleading her with a false signal-light. It was the very thing. TAKEN IN AND DONE FOR. 191 The mate was summoned below, and the affair decided upon. The jolly-boat was to be sacrificed, and the schooner saved. This satisfactory conference was suddenly broken up by a cry on deck, that the sloop had fired her " long Tom," and that a ball might be expected on board immediately, if not sooner. This dreadful event had been watched for all day, but turned out to be only a pan of ashes thrown overboard by Master Dick. Night drew on ; Job, very much fatigued, espe- cially about the legs, turned in ; the sky, so clear all day, began to be obscured with flying scud ; the schooner hoisted a light at her stern ; then, another ; then the first was " doused," and after a while it was astonishing how fast the sloop gained on her. It was also remarkable that Dick should insist another vessel was just visible, right off' the lar- board quarter, running south, with nothing on but a jib. Harry saw it too, but said nothing. They continued to gain upon the Evaline ; they were almost on her ; Pete hailed — no answer — ran alongside her, and found, to his dismay, no schooner, but a jolly-boat, mast and sail up, with a lantern hanging and swinging at the former's top. CHAPTER XXYI. THE END OF THE TALE. Two weeks have elapsed — two long, dreary, weary weeks to the forlorn cruisers in search of Boston. Captain Perkins has arrived safely at home ; his miraculous escape has been duly an- nounced ; meetings have been held ; a special messenger has been sent to Washington by the collector of the port, in quest of authority to act, and advice how to act, in the premises, and on this very day that we are again to re-visit the " Sally Ann," a revenue cutter is to sail in pursuit of the supposed pirate. When Job was first made acquainted with the facts of the case — which acquaintance was only made quite a time after the defection of the con- voy, as the boat was first to be secured, and the captain himself aroused to a sense of semi-con- sciousness — he was quite divided in his opinion as to the proper punishment to be bestowed upon mate and cabin-boy. THE MUTINEERS UNPUNISHED. 195 He considered their crime to be neitlier more nor less than rank mutiny, and hesitated between hang- ing them at the yard arm, and putting them in irons. As there would be some difficulty in ar- ranging the only thing in the likeness of a yard that the sloop boasted of, to properly receive the intended burthen — unless indeed the culprits would lend their assistance, which could hardly be expected under the circumstances — the former proposition was abandoned. The main objection to the latter course existed in the entire absence of everything in the shape of irons of any description, except the fire-irons, a strip of sheet-iron for a shovel, and a bent up hoop by way of tongs. These, but no other meaner or minor considera- tions, deterred Job from his revenge ; for, deeming himself, as he expressed it, " in for it," he placed the assistance of his crew against the water and provisions they would consume, and mentally decided in favor of the latter. A careful examination of the parent of all this mischief — the Evaline's boat — somewhat mollified him, and a few pretty stiff glasses of grog even- tually restored his equanimity. During the remainder of the night, and all the next day, the Sally Ann pursued the course sup- posed to have been taken by the Evaline after -her 9 194 THE END OF THE TALE. defection, namely, due south. Then followed a calm of three days, during which the sloop drifted to and fro like a log upon the water ; the captain amused himself in repainting the prize boat, eat- ing, drinking and sleeping — dividing his attention principally between the three latter. Pete and Dick managed the tiller — ^no onerous duty — and Mary and Harry, seated in the vessel's bows, en- joyed the fine nights as only lovers could have enjoyed them. During the day Harry employed himself in " caulking away" in the hold. Pete also obtained seven distinct nibbles, and Dick's manufactory of miniature Sally Anns went on at such a prodigious rate, that the supply of ship timber laid in for the voyage threatened very soon to give out. The fifth day brought with it a violent gale from the northwest, and Job, knowing that there must be land somewhere on his weather-quarter, turned the bows of his vessel and strove to beat up against the wind ; but the w4nd eventually beat him, and the sloop, with nothing on but a small rag to steer by, was forced to scud. Then came a change of wind, then another calm, and at the time we re-embark, the Sally Ann has been running due west for the last twelve hours, with a fine beam wind, and is in a fair way , A SAIL. 195 of making St. Augustine, if the wind should hold twenty-four hours longer. The entire crew — poor Harry excepted — are upon deck. Dick runs up the shrouds like a cat, and yells out, greatly excited — " A sail, by golly !" '^ Wharebouts be she V roars Captain Job. " Right off here away," answers Dick ; " and I guess sh^'s a'stearin' right across our course." " By the livin' jingo !" shouts Job, as he runs up the shrouds, " we'll find out where we be now, if the Sally Ann haint lost the use of her legs by this infarnal cruise." Job's observation was quite satisfactory ; down he came, and with unusual energy went to work to increase the speed of his vessel. • " Here, gal !" he cried to Mary, " see if you can't hold the tiller. You, Dick, stay where you be. Pete, get the scoot horn and wet down them sails, and ni get up the gaff topsel." Away bowled the Sally Ann, and very soon the gallant-sails of the stranger were visible from the deck, then the topsails, and at last the hull and all of a brave ship hove in sight. Job had an old " star and stripe" flag on board, which was used on " Fourths of July," and other great patriotic occasions — for Job was a great patriot in his way — and this flag was now hunted 196 THE END OF THE TALE. and hoisted up, " union down," as a distress sig- nal. At this moment the vessels are not more than half a mile apart, the ship directly across the sloop's bow, and running prodigiously. Job's only chance for assistance is in his signal. All eyes on the sloop are gazing with anxiety upon the stranger. She is passing, nay, she has past them ; hope is fast sinking in the hearts of th6 anxious gazers, when suddenly the ship's course is altered ; men are thrown out upon her yards, the lower sails are clewed up, the gallant-sails furled. A gun is fired from her bows, and around she comes, running with reduced speed for the forlorn sloop. " What sloop's that ? where ye bound ? and what's the matter ?" roared out an officer on the ship's quarter-deck, when they were fairly in hail- ing distance. "The * Sally Ann,' of Bay Harbor, bound for Boston ; don't know where in thunder we be ; out of bread, out of water, and out of our way ; got a little sperits left, and that's goin' fast. Who be ye, and can't ye help us ?" was Job's voluminous reply. " Moro Castle, three days out from Havana ; send yolir boat aboard," came back from the ship. Job for once obeyed orders, and when on board the ship, told his tale in his own way, and found HARRY MUTINIES. 197 the captain both able and willing to assist him. He gave Job a compass, with directions as to his course, put on board water and some provisions, advised him by all means to run for St. Augustine, and there employ some navigator to take him home, winding up with a particularly strong re- commendation to never venture into blue water again. One would have thought that our hero had tried following vessels to his satisfaction, but once more on the deck of his own craft, with a fresh supply of necessaries, and a compass which he looked upon as a veritable talisman, his spirits and his self-confidence returned, and he determined to fol- low the ship as long as he could. The wind increased all day and by night blew a perfect gale. Job remained on deck until mid- night and then turned in. As soon as he was fairly and soundly asleep, Mary ventured on deck, but Harry would not allow her to remain there, so down they went into the forecastle. Harry had borne his confinement with but an ill grace ; his promise and Mary's earnest entrea- ties had kept him in bounds thus far, but this night he determined should be the last of his con- cealment, and he at last convinced Mary that the safety of all on board required him to take com- mand. 198 THE END OF THE TALE. It was settled that he would be found on deck by Job when the latter should turn out in the morning, and having seen Mary safely to the com- panion-way, Harry took the tiller and the com- mand. Fate, however, had arranged the introduction in quite a different way, for Harry having gone to his old quarters in quest of his pipe, at the mo- ment that he stooped to pick it up, the " Sally Ann" gave a frightful pitch, and away went Harry and at least a cartload of paving stones against the thin partition. Away went the parti- tion, and Harry Flint, with his running and nu- merous accompaniment of other flints, entered the cabin with but scant ceremony. Harry landed right on the top of Captain Job, who had camped down upon the floor for the night, and in a moment both were on their feet. Job shouting " Who's there?" and Harry thunder- ing out, " the devil !" at the same instant. " Then, Lord a massy on me," cried the half- asleep and thoroughly terrified seaman. " Why, father !" exclaimed Mary, appearing at this instant upon the scene in a very interesting style of dress, " Why father, don't you know your friend of old, Harry ?" " Yes," said poor Job, " I know old Harry, I'm sent for — I'm a goner, oh Lord !" PEACE DECLARED. 199 So completely amazed was he that it was a mat- ter of the greatest difficulty to make him under- stand that Harry Flint was but flesh and blood after all, and he then sank down so entirely pros- trated that he submitted to the joint care of Mary and Harry, as if he were but a helpless child. Having accommodated the captain with a glass of grog, Harry went on deck, leaving the task of explanation to Mary. Job made his appearance the next morning a different man ; he went up to Harry and shaking hands with him heartily, declared that he never was so glad to see a man in his life, and intimated that as he was rather out of his track at present, a little assistance would be agreeable. For three days the captain's face bore a per- plexed and anxious expression, as if he were essaying the solution of some mighty and mind- trying problem, but on the morning of the fourth a change took place, and it was evidently for the better. He walked up to Harry with a particu- larly beaming grin on his weather-beaten counte- nance, shook his hand nearly off, and whispered in his ear, " Got it all fixed, all's right between you and her now" — winking towards Mary — " couldn't lay my course for awhile, but it's all clear sea and plain sailing at last." 200 THE END OF THE TALE. As he did not appear to be inclined to commu- nicate more, Harry remained quite content with the result, without troubling himself about the in- tricate process by which it was carried out. ****** On the evening of a delightful day in July, the entire population of Bay Harbor was astir, and men, women and children turned out en masse. Underwood's wharf looked as if a mass meeting were in full operation ; men and boys were distri- buted generally and impartially upon the masts of the vessels in port ; women chattered, children squalled, and the whole scene reminded one of a swarm of bees pending a revolution, or the denizens of an ant hill preparing for a foray. A report had gone forth that the " Sally Ann," then absent some thirty days and generally sup- posed to be lost, was coming up the Bay, and the rumor for once proved to be true. Job and his companions were received with a hearty cheer from the crowd, but there were two rather long faces present nevertheless. Mr. Ado- niram Peabody, and Keziah his wife, looked as if the one had bought a hard bargain, and the other lost a good one. Having given up all hopes of again seeing Job, the maiden had yielded to the very pressing soli- citations of the schoolmaster and married him, MARRIED AND a'. 201 principally, as she declared, because it was a pity to lose her wedding clothes, made up in anticipa- tion of her nuptials with Job. It may be supposed that Mr. Peabody made no mention of his admi- rably drawn-up will until after the interesting ceremony. Among the first who grasped Job's hand was old Bigler, and the latter gentleman insinuated that it was high time Master Tony and Miss Mary were spliced, to prevent any more wild goose chases on the young lady's part. " Can't be did no how, neighbor Bigler," replied Job. " Harry Flint's saved us all, and he's arnt her, fair." "Harry Flint!" exclaimed Bigler ; " why, you swore she should never marry him !" " And she shan't. But, by the living Jingo ! he shall marry her though," returned Job. A week from this time the wedding occurred. Harry, with the assistance of his father-in-law, bought a fine schooner. The " Sally Ann" was given up to Pete, who ran her on shares and made a good thing of it. Job resigned the water, joined the temperance society, and with the assistance of Mr. Mulligan now cultivates his own little farm and that of the widow Flint. The latter lady re- sides with her son and the captain, her home hav- ing been for a time the house of refuge of the 9* 202 THE END OF THE TALE. unfortunate pedagogue and his. bride, until Keziah not only scolded him out of this world but followed after to caudle him in the next. The house is now occupied by Mr. Thaddeus Mulligan, his blooming Milesian matron, and some half a dozen red-headed youngsters. Harry has three, also boys ; and as soon as pos- sible all have been taken in hand by Dick, who imparted to them the rudiments of ship building, the first principles of bending the crab, and the art of reversion ; he is now mate of the " Sally Ann," and has a cabin boy under him. By our last bulletin from Bay Harbor we learn that Captain Pete has absolutely taken a fish — a horse-mackerel of six inches in length. LEGENDS OP CITY AND COUNTRY. LEGE:tTD THE FIEST. HOW I SPOILED MY COMPLEXION A LEGEND OF THE COUNTRY. Part I. — How I went to the Count/ry. My face is well tanned, and I don't mean to deny it. "Well, what if it is ? I'm none the worse for it ; and as far as complexion is concerned, care no more for being made nut-brown, than the '' nut- brown maid" herself. I say, " as far as com- plexion is concerned ;" but what sense is there in injuring one's feelings about it, and having a pack of deuced good-natured friends — they think they're witty, /don't — cracking their stupid jokes about one's ears, and making one's phiz — now, indeed, as the African troubadour expresses it, a " phiz-o'-mahogany" — a target for all their point- less shafts ? Here come three clever fellows. Shall I dodge around the corner? No; I'll face them — that's flat. 204 HOW I WENT TO THE COUNTRY. " Why, hallo, Philip ! where have you been ?" " And how dx) you do ?" " And what in the name of Pluto have you been doing?'' " Oh, I heard all about it," says Number One. " His well known curiosity led him the other day into one of those establishments where people put beans into huge burners, and they (the beans, not the people) come out coffee. Nothing would do but he must open the door of one of these ma- chines as it was going around, and putting his head too far in, his nose caught, he lost his bal- ance, and entering the burning crater^ corporeally, made one revolution in less time than even France ever did, and came out black as you see him. He felt rather unwell after it ; for it gave him quite a " Not a true bill," chimes in Number Two. " He went home the other night very thirsty, and so particularly oblivious, that mistaking a bottle of ink for a jug of milk-punch, he swallowed the whole of it, nor discovered his blunder until the next afternoon, when having risen to write a note of apology for neglecting an engagement — sudden indisposition — ^he discovered the ink was non est^ and his face dark as a thunder-cloud, from the action of the supposed * milk-punch' upon his blood. His physician put him immediately upon A HUMBUG. 205 a diet of sand and blotting-paper; but it's no go." "Wrong again," winds up Number Three. " You know how absent-minded he is. "Well, when about retiring last night, he stood himself up outside the door, locked it, and put his boots in bed. The servant finding him outside in the morning, polished his face — the only part visible which did not appear to be of the right color — and he only found out his situation when, aroused by the breakfast-bell, after having given his boots a shower-Bath, he endeavored to pull himself on. I think it's rather improved his appearance, after all — given his face character, eh ?" Go your several ways, gentlemen ; I confess to a very aboriginal complexion at this moment ; in fact, look like a practical specimen of amalgamation, and begin to have some serious scruples touching the constitutionality of the " Fugitive Law\" What a humbug May is ! I publicly announce it now as my firm, fixed and analterable belief that we might decimate the English language, and provided that same word " humbug" were left, we should yet get on admira- bly. Every man or woman, priest or player, horse or dogj farce or funeral, dinner-party or dose of 206 HOW I WKNT TO THE COUNTRY. medicine, that we do not happen to like, is — a humbug. There are two sides to everything, and one side is — a humbug. There is a record extant of a parson who preach- ed what men should practise for a thousand dollars per annum, but would not practise what he preached for less than fifteen hundred. Men called him — g, humbug. Another's stipend was but three hundred, and although far from " great" in the pulpit, he prac- tised the severest kind of morality — never kissed his wife on Sunday, chopped off his dog's tail be- cause he was a sad dog, and would not cease wagging it on that day — said dog ceased to be a wag, but made a most emphatic stump speech on the occasion — ^put stones on his children's heads of a Saturday night, to check their growth, and tied up the weathercock to keep it from turning. Men said he was — a humbug. A. owns a museum. He inherits it from his father. Contented with his collection as it is, he makes no wonderful additions or particular fuss about it. The people, tired of seeing the same things, call his stuffs, all stuff, his stereotyped learned dogs and quasi ventriloquists holding ideal conversations with Peter down cellar, all bosh ; and, finally, himself — a humbug. MERMAIDS AND WOOLLY STEEDS. 207 B. buys him out, and presto ! change, the world is ransacked, and nature herself turned topsy- turvy, women of the ton, mere maids of six hun- dred weight, wait upon mermaids from Fegee, and preposterously pinguid juveniles, supposed to be from the Highlands — they have lived high^ anyway — attend upon the fancied wants of salmon- tailed mermen from the Jolly-longways-off Group. Lusus naturae, found in Sancho's dominions, sixty feet under ground, with nothing sticking out but the head, come trotting in, mounted upon woolly steeds from the peaks of Popocatepetl. The exhi- bition shop is all glare and glitter ; many-colored lights flash from every window, and a dense crowd of musicians from exalted balconies pour down terrific blasts upon the devoted heads and into the tortured ears of the passers-by ; countless flags, streaming from every loop-hole, prove there is no flagging in his endeavors ; people from all sorts of quarters, and quarters from all sorts of people pour in; the world pays him tribute, and the world pronounces him — a humbug. But May is a thorough-paced humbug, in the fullest acceptation of the term. I had succeeded during the past winter in hum- bugging myself into the belief that May was what the poets have described her, instead of being as she is, a saucy jade, no better than she should be. 208 HOW I WENT TO THE COUNTRY. I had read Thomson, and Wordsworth, and Gold- smith, and old Isaac, and Lamb, and Miss Mitford — wonderful fancy old maids have for country and cats — until I became as mad as a March hare about green fields and purling brooks, lost my ap- petite, couldn't sleep o'nights, and so the doctor advised me to go into the country in May. The opinion of doctors cannot always be de- pended upon, e. g. A certain gentleman of an uncertain mind, or rather of a mind that did not properly develope itself early in the morning, had, from some mys- terious and unknown cause, acquired, and was constantly acquiring a degree of pinguidity and rotundity that was perfectly marvellous. He con- sulted the most eminent Esculapii without satis- factory result. They measured him daily, and found the rate of increase to be perfectly regular. At last he attained so orbicular a form, that his friends deemed him worthy of aldermanship, and in reality he appeared competent to represent a full board. Unfortunately, he had never kept a noted dram- shop, run a line of omnibuses, conducted an emi- nent stone-cutting establishment, or distinguished himself extensively in the soap and candle way ; and so, of course, had not the most remote chance of being elected. A CASE OF DRY DROPSY. 209 Other things militated against his success. The lower had not kept pace with the upper man. His — I beg pardon, but I must say it — legs seemed specially diminutive, the manual terminations of his arms refused to lend a hand to any such Daniel Lambertism, and his face w^ould not countenance the proceeding. Consultation after . consultation was held, but still the wonder grew, and the patient finally came to look for all the world as the Tun of Heidelberg might be supposed to, if it should walk off upon a pair of drum-sticks. The same similitude suggested itself to his phy- sicians, and drumsticks naturally recalling a drum to their minds, they thought how much his round body was like one. From this point, by induction, they soon arrived at the fact that both drums and over-rotund mortals are frequently tapped, and so they tapped him. The return made was, " no effects," and pro- nouncing it a decided case of " dry dropsy," they gave up the patient as a case, and the tapping as a \i2Aj6b. One however, more persevering than the rest, caused a new instrument — something upon the pod-auger principle — to be prepared, and lo, after a deep incision, out it came filled with sev- eral hundred round pieces of linen. The doctor was visited with an idea ! He 210 HOW I ^VENT TO THE COUNTRY. hemmed seven times, sucked the top of his cane for five minutes and a half, rubbed his nose vio- lently, and having cleared his head by the use of his handkerchief, spoke : "Mr. Blank, how often do you change your linen ?" " Every day." " What do you do with that which you take off?" " Dear me, I never thought of that. I am afraid that I have got it all on now." And so it proved. I am happy to say that the quondam fat gentleman lived ; and that, being a great sportsman, the linen wads suggested to him the invention of something similar for guns, from the profits of which manufacture, he soon recu- perated his fortune that had been seriously im- paired by a too liberal expenditure in shirts. However, trusting the doctor's word, I believed that a trip to the country was just what I needed, and trusting the poet's rhyme, I believed that May was precisely the month for such a trip. In order not to be deprived of one moment's enjoyment, I, after much study and consultation of proper au- thorities, drew up the following chart to regulate my daily pursuits while ruralizing. I divided the day into nine parts ; five aesthetic, three gastro- nomic, and one soporific : MAGNA CARTA. 211 I. Matutinal. Awakened by tlie carols of a thousand birds, not in cages ; the May morning's early walk ; admire the myriads of dewy gems that night has dropped on every shrub and grass, ere the am'rous sun shall have kissed them off. n. Prandial. Breakfast, milk warm from its natural source, strawberries yet wet with dew, am- ber-colored coffee tinged w^itli yellow cream, snowy rolls and golden butter, fragrant as the newly born rose. in. Philosophic. The morning stroll: the lounge beneath the outspreading branches of some monarch of the woods ; cigar, book, and meditation. lY. Recuperative. Dinner: meats uncontaminated by a city stall, prepared by a cook instructed by Dame !N^ature, and free from French abomi- nations ; vegetables of all kinds, right from the garden and field, water pure from the spring. Y. Dolce far niente. The green wood : cigar, reverie, and siesta. 212 HOW I WENT TO THE COUNTRY. YI. Reflective. ' ^ The afternoon walk, through rich fields and by the side of tinkling brooks ; deep thought, and arrangement of ideas for my evening's task. YII. Ccenal. Supper: the whitest of bread, with milk yet foaming ; berries from the field, and cream without chalk. YIIL Poetic. Night : delicious zephyrs bathing my moist brow, and straying gently through my cool dormitory, illumined by the gentle moon- beams ; clear head, fertile imagination, im- mortal poetry. IX. Soporific Sheets white as a snow-wreath, scented with rose leaves; sleep calm and refreshing as that of early infancy. It must be confessed that the outline of my pic- ture was rather pretty, but the filling of it up !!! May came at last, and how did she come ? Oh, ye rural poets ! where do ye expect to go to ? " Oh vernal May !" — oh green scribbler ! " Hail queen of flowers !" She does hail — there's some truth in that ; but if a queen, she never sees her THE AUTHOR SEES STAKS. 213 subjects. " Oh gentle May 1" Gentle ? wlij, she is the veriest shrew of the twelve. She look'* pretty and mild enough drawn with a wreath of wild flowers encircling her brow, the leaves and buds playing bo-peep among her gracefully waving locks, with not half so much clothing on her as decency demands,when " Marry hang her. Brock !" she should be enwrapped in blankets, carry an um- brella, and wear pattens. Buds don't blow in May — sharp winds do. In the place of the sweet flowers, we have heavy showers ; for a gentle breeze, a sharp freeze, and for red roses, frosted noses. I determined to remain a town martyr, at least until overcoats and coal fires could be dispensed with. June found me ready for the venture, and I soon experienced, in hurrying up tailors, shoema- kers, and washerwomen, in packing and unpacking my trunk half a dozen times, the first delights of travelling. I reached the steamboat wharf in safety. The first thing that struck me was the absolute ne- cessity of keeping a coroner's jury constantly em- panneled upon the spot ; the next was a trunk, which, coming in contact with my head, caused me to see quite a number of stars, not set forth in ordinary astronomical charts. The Milesian gen- 214 HOW I WENT TO THE COUNTRY. tleman who carried it, politely requested me to mind my eye — wliich was more than he had done — and to look out where I went, which was more than I could do, my eyes .being momentarily put hoTS de comhat^ and looking exactly as if I had just been in one. I reached the boat ; heaven knows how. A portion of one coat-tail was still in the possession of an old lady who had evinced a great desire to transact some business with me in the orange and gingerbread line, while the other terrriinus re- mained in the hand of an enterprising youth in the peripatetic literary way, who appeared very anxious to improve my mind with yellow-covered pamphlets. The instant my foot touched the deck, several packages, to which I had until that moment ad- hered with great tenacity, disappeared as if by magic, and I found myself in the very situation of the old woman in the nursery tale — not Giles Scroggins, as Bishop Hughes undertook to estab- lish, at a certain New-England dinner, he was the gentleman who paid attention to Miss Molly Brown. If I was P. P. I had lost one car23et-bag, one fishing-rod, one parcel of books, and one um- brella. If I was not P. P. I had gained four limp- cards, upon whose dingy surface were inscribed as m/my names of those very officious colored gentle- BEAT TO QUARTERS. 215 men who snatch at everything that is brought on board, at the rate of twenty-five cents per package. Like a drum before a naval engagement, I was fairly beat to quarters. A confused ringing of bells, wrangling of wait- ers, swearing of jarvies, shaking of hands ; the captain jumps on the paddle-box and cries out, " all ashore that's going" — the best rendering ex- tant for " lucus a, non lucendo /" the plank hauled out, the hauser drawn in, and we are off. We pass the Battery, Corlser's Hook, Blackwell's Island and Hell Gate, Throg's Neck and Sands Point, and arrive at — supper. A steamboat supper ! with everything cold but the butter and ice-water, which two liquids are lachrymosely lukewarm : with every thing thin but the coffee ; with its extremely attenuated spe- cimens of dunghill ornithology*, its birds burnt black reposing in affectionate confidence upon a piece of white toast, its waiters always coming, but never come— its hurry and confusion. Who shall describe it ? Not I. 10 ^16 HOW I GOT ON IN THE COUNTRY. Part II. — How I got on in the Counl/ry, As I crawled out of the railroad car, a figure met inj admiring gaze. Something intended for a hat, with a brim so narrow as to be only per- ceptible upon the closest scrutiny, was perched upon a head of lank hair and rested in quiet com- placency on a coat-collar of colossal height. The coat that owned the said collar, was deeply, darkly — I regret that I cannot add beautifully — blue ; it was adorned with very minute brass but- tons of the bell or rather sugar-loaf variety ; its tail almost swept the ground, and its waist was in fearful proximity with the man's shoulderblades. A shirt-collar upon terms of intimacy with the hat — it had scraped the latter's acquaintance long since ; a vest of some unknown fabric that de- scended almost to the armpits ; a pair of snuff- colored pants, evidently of an aspiring turn of mind, and a soul at least half an inch above boots, and only to be kept near the last by strings of leather, intended for and doing duty as straps ; with boots of the choicest and thickest cowhide, greased and blackballed to admiration, completed the attire. As for the man himself, corporeally, he seemed to be all nose ; not that that feature itself "yallek" fevek. 217 was of such enormous proportions — Slawkenbru- gius might have given it at least two lines and beat it ; but all the rest of the countenance ap- peared to be on the point of running into it. I have noticed this peculiarity among some Down- Easters before, and attribute it to the fact of the owner's being so much in the habit of poking his proboscis into every man's business, scenting out sixpences, and what his neighbor has had for din- ner, that the said feature finally obtains complete mastery over all the rest, and they bow down and approach as near as possible to their leader. It is as useful to the man as is the jack-staff to the steamboat — both steer by it. A true Down-Easter always follows his nose. " Pray, sir," said I, addressing my Eastern Ovid, " can you tell me how far it is to Mr. Blank's ?" " Wall, I kinder guess your boat got sorter be- hind the light-house last night, and' ye missed the arly train," was the reply, if it may be called so. Once again to the breach, thought I, and so after respondrng to his query, I reiterated mine. " Wh;^, I guess you must be his cousin from Yark, beent ye ? How's the yallar fever tu Yark now V was all that I got this time ; but upon the whole I was rather gratified by the question about the fever, because I knew that at a certain distance from the empire city an opinion is prevalent that 218 HOW I GOT ON IN THE COUNTRY. the " vomito" is one of our regular inhabitants, and is included in the census. Tliis point was evidently reached, and I hoped to refresh myself in the contemplation of rustic simpli- city and innocence. As I was pondering, and just as my new friend had opened his mouth to continue his catechism, a person who had overheard my question, stepped up and said : " I'll take ye there for thirty-seven and a half cents." I closed with the offer immediately, and Squire Jinkins, lawyer, storekeeper, farmer, and the rich- est man in the county, drove me off to my desti- nation in fine style. When I alighted, I handed the gentleman a one dollar bill. His mode of making change was equally ingenious and satis- factory. From an old shot-pouch he drew forth five dimes, and laying one.of each upon two cents, handed them to me as five ninepences — he called them — pronounced it just right ; said he guessed that I had best lift my trunk out, and when I had done so, offered to carry it in the house for four pence more, which offer I declined, then hitched his horses and preceding me, announced my arri- val, made himself perfectly at. home, asked for a glass of cider, drank it, a piece of pie, eat it, con- cluded that his horses must be hungry, and ac- I SPOIL MY, BOOTS. 219 cepted an ofier to " put them up and feed," staid to dinner, monopolized all the conversation, and just as I was upon the extreme verge of despair, remembered that a meeting of the directors of the Bank of which he was President, was to come off in half an hour, arose, shook hands all around, laughed, and saying that he didn't see how he could make any more out of us just now^ took his departure. I felt jaded, fatigued, worn down ; but my friend Blank would have me out to look at his barn and his cattle. In vain I insisted that I neither knew nor cared any thing about beef, except upon the table ; he quoted half a dozen lines from the " Bucolics ;" said that it was high time I did then, and so out we marched. He showed me a pair of the finest cattle in the state — so he said. As I was walking around them, endeavoring to work myself up into a proper state of admiration, I en- tirely ruined a pair of Paris hottes verni^ and seri- ously damaged my new fawn-colored pants by walking carelessly into a heap of — something that seemed to grow plentifully about there. I was then paraded over some of his fields, and that afternoon my hitherto slender stock of agri- cultural experience received some large additions. My friend, who was a bit of a wag, informed me that the mode of farming now in vogue, was in 220 HOW I GOT ON IN THE COUNTRY. the summer months not unlike the declination of a Greek article. First they hoe among the corn, then they hay among the grass, and then they toe after the plough.- I learned that besides the common wheat, there is a buckwheat — so called on account of its spruce appearance for a few short weeks, its perfumed head and bunches of flowers. Like all other bucks, however, it goes to seed very soon, and is then cut and trampled upon. My friend also ex- hibited to me a very fine ox-yoke, made, he said, of an apple-log, but having nothing of the Orien- tal fable in its formation. I was introduced to the pig-sty, and beheld a mimber of very uncomforta- bly fat porcine specimens rolling to their heart's content in mud as black and odorous as that in which Prince" Bladud's friend whilom delighted. While we were contemplating this pleasant sight, and inhaling the delicious aroma that per- vaded the residence of this uncommonly interest- ing variety of animated nature, a stranger with a very pleasing countenance, surrounded by an im- mense pair of coal black whiskers, made his ap- pearance, and after duly praising the swine — whereon my friend replied, " that if he had any pride, it was in his pigs," — made known his busi- ness and then courteously bid us good day. There was so charming an air of simplicity and .- ASTONISHING A NATIVE. 221 good nature about the man, that I was delighted. Here, said I, is one of those genuine rustic swains who seem born to wake the old woods, and astonish their woolly flocks with the dulcet strains and wild notes of their sweet-voiced pipe ; to breathe their rude, yet gentle love-song into the ears of some rosy-cheeked and ruby-lipped Ama- ryllis, to — "Hold hard there," interrupted Blank, "my friend Simon, instead of being the soft- hearted creature you have described, is at this mo- ment the superintendent of two large factories, where he keeps the boys and girls in order, and makes them walk the chalk, I assure you." He knows of no use for a pipe but to smoke it, and as for the " dulcet strains," would think those a dull set, indeed, who could admire them. He never aston- ishes woolly flocks ; but he did an old wool manu- facturer wdio endeavored to steal a march upon him the other day. Simon's employer and Mr. G. were at feud about a water privilege, and Mr. G. stole quietly up the stream to the factory at noon, and sent some of his men, who were with him into the covered ditch that runs under both buildings ; his object being to see how high the water came upon the wheel. The question at issue concerned the backing up of the water from a lower pond, that at this time was pretty well drawn down, and if these witnesses 222 HOW I GOT ON IN THE COUNTRY. could find that the wheel was not then obstructed by back-water, he might gain his cause. It was an ugly and not over safe place to crawl in ;• but dollars were at stake, and so the men, followed by Mr. G., took the chances. A boy had seen the party enter, and ran to inform Simon of it. "They want to know how much water there is in the ditch, do they V said Simon. " Well, I'll accommodate 'em," and he did. Walking quietly to the floom, he raised the gate, and a torrent of very unexpected and unwelcome water rushed upon the spies and their employer. They emerged " at their earliest convenience," half drowned and as wet as rats, and were greeted by the repeated cheers of the assembled operatives of the factory. G. lost his case ; but although the damages were heavy, they were as nothing to the ridiculous checkmate that Simon had put upon him. Sim- ple-hearted rustic, indeed I I now plead hard for permission to return home, but no ; I must go into the turnip-patch, and there my friend bored me with drills — then as honest John Bunyan hath it, he " had" me into another field and among a perfect maze of corn. Here I learned something that I sincerely regret, and con- siderably more than I bargained for. I saw num- bers of mushrooms rearing their delicate, fawn- colored parasols, lined with dainty pink, and inno- ^ " CHANTING AND ENCHANTING. 223 cently asked how they happened to grow there. I was told, and — have not wanted any mushrooms since. At last my friend was satisfied, and consoling myself for the desagremens of the day, with the notion that on the morrow I should commence en- joying myself upon my own philosophic plans, after a hasty cup of tea, to bed I went, and was sound asleep on the instant. I was to be aroused, the reader will please re- member, by the carols of a thousand birds — I was by the chattering and clattering of a million. It seemed to me that the chimney had swallowed all the swallows in the county, and none were to be had elsewhere at any price. Their music was not of the kind that I anticipated, and sleepy as I was, their chanting was anything but enchanting to me. After a while, becoming a little accustomed to their racket, I was just dropping off into a deli- cious little doze, when a legion of flies made their appearance and began to regale themselves upon my countenance. Then the turkeys, and geese, ducks, peafowls, guineas, hens and chickens at- tached to the establishment commenced opera- tions, and made a far greater noise and confusion than ever amazed poor General Cass at Cleve- land. 10* 224 now I GOT ON IN THE COUNTEY. Making a merit of necessity, up I jumped and prepared for my " early morning's walk." Every- thing looked bright and beautiful ; but before I had gone ten rods, my thin gaiter boots were so entirely soaked through with tlie dew, that I wished the sun had kissed it off before I had put my feet in it. I turned into the barn-yard, where men and maids were tugging away in an extremely ludicrous manner at a number of very patient cows, that all seemed to be busily engaged in mas- ticating their breakfasts ; although I could not for the life of me see that there was anything before them to eat. I requested a bowl of the foaming milk — ^it was given me ; but before I had imbibed a dozen swallows, a kind of dryland sea-sickness seized on me, my stomach turned, and I returned the beverage with usurious interest. My appetite for breakfast was utterly ruined, and I barely managed to drink a cup of some very dubious mixture, which my hostess termed coffee. I now set forth upon my post-prandial stroll, and after walking awhile, found a " monarch of the woods" just to my mind ; so, lighting a cigar, down I sat ; but sat not long. A busy hum, rather unlike in cause and effect to the busy hum of men, smote my ear. Something else smote me somewhere else, and I jumped up as smartly as if I had received an electric shock. INTERESTING STRANGERS. 225 There exists in most parts of our fair country a small but exceedingly valorous variety of the hor- net, that live in the ground, wear bright yellow jackets, and are very interesting to naturalists. I have no doubt but that I should have been extremely delighted to have seen and examined them at a fitting time, and in a suitable manner ; but this informal, self-introduction of an entire family, was rather too much, and I fled, the in- sects accompanying me some distance, and forcing upon me their unsolicited attentions. I contented myself in the house until time for dinner, and having eaten no breakfast, I was pre- pared to do my duty. I do not like to find fault with a friend's table, nor is it my intention so to do ; but I must say that the meats mostly in vogue in the country, are very juvenile in their nature, and unsatisfactory in their tendency. The changes are rung, from day to day, upon exceed- ingly diminutive lamb and very immature veal, and nothing else can be had — so my friend in- formed me — for love or money. I ate very hear- tily of the peas and asparagus, and praised their delicious country freshness, when my friend in- formed me that they had been my companions in boat and car, that farmers had no time to spare from their fields to waste upon fancy gardening ; that a few common vegetables were cultivated, 226 HOW I GOT ON IN THE C0UNT2V. but that lie depended upon tlie Xew York market for his occasional luxuries in this particular line ; and for peas, asparagus, strawberries, and peaches, it was cheaper and better for him to obtain them thus, than from his own orchard or garden. I wxnt out for a walk in the afternoon, and as I hkd encamped upon a yellow-jacket's nest in the morning, by way of symmetry, I suppose — as Paul Jones's father is reported to have said — I sat down on a harmless, but rather unpleasant-looking snake. If mother Eve ever was tempted by anything in his likeness, she must have been — but there's no accounting for a woman's taste. His snakeshij) did not like my j^erformance, so he hissed, or at least he put out a tongue in two parts at me. / did not like his company, and so took a very un- ceremonious leave of him. I then clambered over the fence into a pasture, where I espied a fine drove of cattle, whose appearance I admired. The admiration w^as not mutual ; a fatherly-looking bull made so savage a demonstration that I was forced into the opinion that I had committed a bull myself, by intruding where I evidently was de trop. I withdrew with more speed than grace, and in so doing, ruined another pair of pants. Kents were more frequent about them than ten- ants. I went home again, ate my supper, and re- tired to my room to write. Before I had dipped I BEAT A KETKEAT. 227 my pen in ink, a huge bat extinguished my light, and a monstrous and evil-minded horn-bug came suddenly in violent contact with my head, and dis- lodged every particle of poetry for the night. I was forced to retreat to my bed, where I slept until very early morning again renewed the tor- ments of swallows, hens, and turkeys. The his- tory of my first day's experience will, with some slight variation, answer for all the rest. As soon as common decency would permit, I left, and in an insane manner devoted all of my energies to travelling. I was smoked and choked, strangled and mangled, had large holes burned in my habiliments by locomotive sparks, swallowed in haste the peck of dust that it is said every one is predestined to eat, and one night in my crossing the country, came in contact with the 7ms in urhe town or city of Worcester. " Can a man get anything to eat here except lamb and veal ?" I asked of the conductor. " Yes, indeed, sir," was the reply : '* two ex- cellent hotels, ' American' and ' Worcester House.'" " Here's the American ; ride up, sir — temper- ance house, sir," sung out a rural jarvey at this moment. " ISfo, indeed, niy friend, temperance is an excel- lent thing, but I don't admire it in hotels — it's a 228 now I GOT ON IN THE COUNTRY. kind of stock in trade that costs the proprietor nothing ; but guests invariably have to pay dearly for it in purse and stomach. No, I am for the Worcester House." OA, diesfaustus ! oh, lucky choice ! Had Captain Riley in his desert tour, almost dying from thirst, suddenly come upon Taylor's ice cream and soda shop, he could not have been more astonished and delighted than I was with the jpetit sowper that was hurried up for me. Such rolls, such coffee, such a steak. Shade of Apicius ! — but I forget, Apicius had ceased eating long ere the blessed monk burned his fin- gers in cooking his supper, and thereby hit upon that greatest of human discoveries — since sleep — the beefsteak. The grateful flavor of that supper, and the subsequent breakfast, is yet green in my memory, and long will it so remain. My travels have ended — the comforts of the Wor- cester House recalled those of my own city home, and to it I hastened, perfectly satisfied with my ru- ral experience, a sadder and a wiser man. "But about your complexion — how was that spoiled ?" " Oh, I forgot I went * a fishing.' " " And caught ?" " The worst headache I ever had, three shiners and my middle finger. I paid the doctor a dollar to cut the hook out." LEGEND THE SECOND. STKEET. In a certain part of the good city of Gotham, the curious or information-seeking traveller may find a one-sided avenue of carts and commerce, known as South-street ; and when the said traveller has found it, it is highly probable that he will recog- nize it, and that it will remain green in his me- mory, and the effects of the knowledge black and blue upon his person for a long time. He will ascend huge Alps of flour, beef, and pork barrels, and descending, probably alight in a tub of pitch. He will break his shins in perilous encounter with skids, kits of soused salmon, butter firkins and lard kegs. He will have to stand off and on, tacking about, and beating around a cart at every store door, like a sloop navigating a narrow channel in a head- wind. He will lose the patience from his temper, the polish from his shoes, the gloss from his coat, and the spectacles from his nose — provided said 230 A LEGEND OF SOUTII-STKEET. nose be spectacle-saddled. His ears will be treated to a great variety of sounds, not exactly belonging to, or incorporated in the calendar of music. His nose will be regaled with odors — not strictly Sabgean — but a general mixture, a chromatic scale of villanous smells, commencing with the perfumes of lobscouse and boiled crabs from the al fresco hotels on each corner, and running up through the difierent keys of codfish, grease-lard and rotten cheese, until the "bad eminence," the ultima Thule^ the C in alt be attained, in the form of exhalations of bilge-water from slips and ships, and emanations from the piles of heterogeneous filth drawn from the frequent sewers. The herein-abovementioned street does not pro- ceed about its business in a straightforward manner, as it is the bounden duty of every commercial thoroughfare engaged in legitimate transactions to do. Neither does it wind gracefully along in ser- pentine style, like many streets whose attention is divided between small trafiic and pleasure, mean- dering about with their hands in their breeches* pockets. Of this peculiar school, perhaps, Pearl- street is a fair example, which, after running a rare rig amonj^^ raggeries and groggeries, tapers ofli* with underaKers' shops, and " brings up" very appropriately at the Hospital. Not so jKJth our street, but blundering right DANGERS OF THK STREET. 231 ahead, it jumps entirely over such petty interven- ing obstacles as ships, barges, and canal boats, and landing plump upon the other side, plunges down, and goes on about its business as unconcernedly as though nothing unusual had happened. Should an unfortunate traveller attempt to follow its mad career, his rashness would probably result in his body's becoming a small ottoman, a settee for, and a puzzle to, the brains of some dozen of free and independents picked up at the next grog-shop, and .the said dozen would in all human probability bring in "Found drowned," which every one acquainted with the peculiar efiects of water under certain circumstances upon the physiology of man, would have known without the testimony of their sweet voices ; or else, in lieu of finding the street guilty of murder, we shall have "By the visitation of God," which, as some one remarks, is equiva- lent to, God knows how he did it. But bless me, what a peroration ! To be honest, however, I may as well inform the curious that it has been written for the same reason that very small infants are usually enveloped in very large clothes, and we mean by the length of our head to compensate for the shortness of our tale. As I was walking up South-street a few days since, having passed that region where the over- fed barges and canal boats were vomiting up 232 A LEGEND OF SOUTH-STREET. mountains of flour, pork and wliisky, and had at- tained that part of the country where a large for- est of masts shut out the river from my sight, and a legion of curious ships lay with their noses against the wharf, like so many hunting dogs at a point, and their inquisitive bow^sprits peering out over the roofs of the opposite buildings ; — here among a host of larger craft I distinguished a small and somewhat antique-looking brig, from whose mainmast floated a dingy pennon, bearing the legend " Sally Brown." Heavens ! how changed from the Sally Brown that once I knew, some fif- teen years ago, a smart, trim, and neat-looking affair, commanded and partly owned by Captain Sam Brown, who had named her after his bride Sally, ne Smith. Captain Sam Brown, (a Cape Cod variety of the genus skipper,) in those days ran his brig to and from the island of Cuba to ITew York, carrying some freight for whom it might concern, all the passengers he could induce to people his some- what scanty cabin, and a few notions for private speculators. Now, although Captain Brown was piously in- clined, he had a sharp eye to the main chance, and looked forward with eager impatience to the time when he should be the fortunate possessor of a farm, w^hen he could permanently leave one A SEIZURE. 233 Sally and take up his abode witli the other. In fine, he was fond of turning a penny, and having rather indistinct ideas of the correct acceptation of meum and tuum^ or else deeming that tuum ap- plied rather to individuals than to communities, did not always pay proper respect to Uncle Sam's custom-house regulations. Sam would smuggle a little when he had a fair opportunity, and might, I regret to say, be described as somebody has be- fore described some other body, " while God-ward he was about right, manward, he was rather twistical or so." One fine day as he was coming down to the brig, he was met by the steward, who informed him that a custom-house officer had found a large lot of cigars not upon the manifest. Sam in great tribulation hastened on board, where the officer also volunteered a similar interesting communication. Sam, of course, knew nothing of the cigars, but presumed they must belong to the mate, a very poor man, who had gone on shore to see his. widowed mother, and thought the officer had better settle the affair quietly by pocketing the duties himself, thus making a good speculation, and saving the mate from utter ruin. The officer was immovable, and after examining the vessel and seeing the cargo fairly landed — during all which time no mate made his appear- 234: A LEGEND OF eOUTH-STKEET. ance — he left, informing the captain that he should send down for the cigars. Left alone to his own meditations, Brown turned the affair over and over in mind, in quest of some path to lead him from the great calamity, and at length a brilliant idea occurred to him. He went on shore and purchased 20,000 Alexandria long nines, at ten and six the thousand, and sitting up all night, with the assistance of his hands — not corporeal, but marine — opened the boxes of Havanas, re- moved their contents, and refilled them with the long nines. In a day or so the custom-house offi- cer made his appearance. He had considered the matter, and his humane feelings had triumphed. He would not ruin the man, but would accept of a little more than the duties — say five dollars per thousand — and cry quits. It was now Sam's turn to cut up rough, and he did so : telling the officer that he had made up his mind to have nothing to do with them, and that he would not risk his ves- sel. He concluded by ordering him to take the cigars and go — no matter where. Sam sold his Havanas in peace, left the port, and in a year from the date, was seen attending a port warden's sale in New York, stimulated per- haps, by a desire to know how much his Alexan- drine Havanas would bring. SQUALLS AFLOAT AND ASHORE. 235 "What kind of cigars are those that were seized from you, Brown ?" asked his consignee. " Never you mind," replied Brown, " they will bring all they are worth." And so they did. Despite their unfavorable appearance and unpleasant odor, being indisputa- bly Havanas, they were sold for fifteen dollars. I have since this affair, been thoroughly convinced that it is not all gold that glistens. Should any reader doubt the truth of this narrative, I shall be very happy to accompany him to the " Sally Brown," where he may hear the story from the lips of the former mate — now the captain. As for Sam Brown himself, he is ^ugly har- bored with the amiable Sally, and has long ere this made the interesting discovery that gales may be encountered on shore as well as sea, and that married men with large families of small children must look out for frequent squalls at all hours, and in all latitudes. LEGEND THE THIKD. FEONT- STREET. The principal difference which occurs to the observing pedestrian between "South" and its nearest neighbor "Front" is, that Front-street has two sides, and consequently two rows of doorways, every one of them, during the entire day, con- stantly engulfing or ejecting vast quantities of heterogeneous commodities, whereby the latter avenue is rendered so much the worse thorough- fare for the unfortunate wretch that gtern neces- sity or an inquisitive mind — cupidus rhovwrum- rerum — involves in its dire realities. Ladies in pink bonnets and brocade dresses, do not affect Front-street. Belgian females — basket on arm, short petticoats tucked up yet shorter, so as to be uterque jpa/ratus^ ready for theft or flight —do. The first appearance of our street to one about to essay its dangers, is anything but encouraging. DANGER OF BEING DEVOUKED. 237 As far as eye can reach, he will behold a long vista of horses and carts, one of each at each door, and two interminable processions of said animals and vehicles, the one setting up with a strong tide, and the other down. The side-walk (what a misnomer !) is covered. Andes of tea chests and coiFee bags ; * Rocky Mountains of boxes of tobacco and sugar; Cum- berlands of packages containing raisins, figs, and almonds, baskets of champagne from Newark, pipes of old port from up-town distilleries, Holland gin from Connecticut river, fine Amontillado made of sharp Cape wine and boot tops, boxes of Havana cigars fresh from Middletown, and a thousand other articles, dissimilar in nature, but similar in their pathway-obstructing efiect, cover every inch of ground unappropriated to and un- occupied by the above-mentioned carts and cart- men. Three modes of progression suggest themselves to the mind of the wayfarer : Mrst, by the middle of the street. The principal objections to this are, that among the two rows of horses standing heads outward, many are not blessed with an even temper, and the traveller would probably be com- pletely masticated about once in passing three blocks. Then he would, according to the best au- thorities, be run over some three times in one 238 A LEGEND OF FRONT-STREET. block. Lastly, his boots in these strange latitudes would take their departure, working several traverses to his equanimity of mind ; for one at least would stick every ten seconds in the quag- mire of very cohesive mud, which has usurped the place of pavement. Second^ by clambering over the carts, and their contents. As these vehicles are constantly imder- going a process of being discharged or else taking in cargo, the chances are that he who attempts this mode, will be flattened out, a la Antoine JEtor vel^ by a molasses puncheon, or knocked in the head by a flying box outward bound. As for the thirds it consists in performing a se- ries of journeys, in at the one door and out at the other, thus getting around your great adversaries, and at the same time much annoying the clerks and workmen, whom you will soon learn to look upon as your natural enemies. The writer would humbly suggest a foK/rth. Keep out of the street altogether, shunning it as you would a dunning tailor or a borrowing friend. Many a long year ago, when we were in but a semi-civilized condition, before we had either an " aristocracy" or an opera ; ere our belles adorned their pretty persons with collars, cravats, and real cashmeres, or our beaux beautified themselves THE HEBO. 239 with moustaches, and muzzles d la hison / in fact, when men and women dressed and lived according to their circumstances, and within their income, and we were altogether in a very degraded and barbarous state of society, there came to our be- nighted city a precious specimen of Parisian cock- neyism, the proprietor of a thousand petite graces and of the euphonious cognomen of Hypolite Sault-sault. His ostensible business was to establish an agen- cy for the sale of certain French wines and liqueurs, and to connect with the said agency a grocery, so as to realize a fortune among us quam- primum, and return to enjoy it in la helle France, Hypolite, however, had other important business to attend to. He beheld with ineffable disgust the careless mode of dress which distinguished our ancient merchants, and feeling that if he had a mission upon the earth, it was evidently in that line, set himself to work immediately as the great moral reformer of Front-street. The common fate of all reformers befel him, and the very men for whose benefit he dressed himself twice a day within an inch of his life, ridiculed his soignee toilet ; played all manner of pranks with his deli- cate cane ; laughed to scorn his white kid gloves ; hinted his indebtedness to the barber in the sum of sixpence — sixpence was the price then ; 11 240 A LEGEND OF FRONT- STREET. mimicked his lisp and his simper ; and finally, to cap the climax of their audacity, called Mons. Hypolite Sault-sanlt, ** High Polite Soft-soap," and intimated that he was neither more nor less than an emancipated dancing-master, imitating the airs of a petit-maitre, and utterly ignorant of the busi- ness in which he was engaged. To be sure our friend did in a number of little ways convey to the minds of his neighbors the idea that he had a soul above tobacco boxes, and was betrayed by his ignorance of the articles in which he professed to deal, into sundry gaucherieSy for which he was well laughed at. To prevent a recurrence of such scenes, the Frenchman engaged the services of a clerk expe- rienced in sugars, knowing in coffee, and not to be taken in by pepper ; and with his new Mentor ever by his side, visited the various auction marts, and made his purchases without any particularly unfortunate results, until . Yes, until , and this is the way it fell out. One bright and sultry morning in June, an extensive sale of mo- lasses and sugar was to come off at {he corner of Front and Wall-streets. Our friend wished to purchase, but his Fidus Achates being absent, he was forced to go alone ; and feeling his own lack of knowledge, sought, as most men do, to conceal it beneath a very self-sufficient exterior. A FANCY KIG. 241 Arrayed in all the glories of a new white beaver, coat of light blue and gilded buttons, collar, ruffled bosom, and ineffable pants of lustrous snowy whiteness, boots dark and glossy as the raven's wing, hands encased in faultless gloves of a deli- . cate lavender tinge, grasping in the sinister his pet cane, and in the dexter a huge shining sugar- trier, it is probable that the air of business alacrity and general know-exactly-what-I'm-about- iveness, with which he dashed up to the head of a huge puncheon, prepared to punch in his glis- tening steel to its unfortunate bosom, has been sel- dom equalled — never surpassed. I have said that the day was one of especial warmth, and must now add that among the idio- syncrasies of that article of commerce, known among us as molasses, by John Bull as treacle, and Jean Crapeau as melasse, is a propensity to conduct itself upon such days in a very reprehen- sible, outrageous, and extravagant manner, espe- cially if it has been exposed for some hours to a summer sun and well jolted upon one of those anti-dyspeptic vehicles, a Kew York cart. We left our friend in a very awkward position, with his hand raised and prepared to plunge his trier into the puncheon, and must hasten to relieve •him, but ere we do, let me make a confidential 242 A LEGEND OF ^KONT- STREET. disclosure to my readers. Mr. Hypolite Sault- sault did not know the difi'erence between a mo- lasses puncheon and a sugar hogshead. The impetuous Gaul plunged his fatal instru- ment into the thick pine head, and giving it three or four crashing turns, penetrated the arcana of sweets, then drew out his steel as vivaciously as he had inserted it, little expecting the result. His position was a stooping one, so as to enable him to apply his auger with grace and dexterity. Quick as the lightning flash, and with great force, a huge mass of the irritated and furious molasses dashed in the Frenchman's face. Over he went, and over him went the angry flood. The bystand- ers rescued him half strangled, and if not exactly in a pickle, looking very like a huge preserve. Covered with the fluid, he scarcely resembled hu- manity, and being refused as fare by a coachman, was forced to employ a cartman to convey him to his hotel. The molasses affair, combined with the disgrace of being carted through the streets, situated as he was, and surrounded by a mob of yelling urchins, proved too much for even a Frenchman's noncha- lance. He had very important business in Boston, which forced him to leave the next day ; his con- fidential clerk soon closed his business, and the THE MORAL. 243 Gaul, in bitterness of spirit, abandoned our be- nighted nation. The serious reader will discover in this legend the same moral that I strove to inculcate in the last — " All is not gold that glistens." LEGEND THE FOURTH. HOW TO GET OUT OF A CORNER. A LEQEND OF WALL STREET. There is a certain short, but busy street in Gotham, the pulsations of whose financial heart are felt to the veriest extremes of our national body corporate, and produce sensible effects upon similar hearts in far distant lands. The said heart, we regret to add, is of a hard and obdurate vai'iety, and the circulating medium that it pro- jects and recalls, through and from the system, is not good honest blood, but heavy red gold. At one end of this street, and looking down upon its whole extent, stands and frowns a lofty and a-spiring church, placed there, as if purposely, for a house of refuge to those unfortunates who may have fallen among thieves and lost their last penny in some dark " corner," where they have been enticed by the prospect of great gain. At the other, a very excellent opportunity — in the shape of a deep and rapid river — ^presents it- self to the " mourners" who may prefer y^^^ de se, BULLS AND BEAKS. 245 and choose to shuffle off this mortal coil : to cut loose with the assistance of the tide. Between great banks upon either side, there whirls and eddies, from 9 A. M. until 4 P. M., a living stream, running up and down, turning to and fro, standing at times in little pools — not quiet even then, but worked upon by an under- current, and ever in a state of unrest — without show of regularity, except that at the former hour the flood pours in very strongly indeed — the little ripples tripping gaily along at first, and the heavy swells rolling in somewhat later ; and at the latter, the ebb sets out with proportionate violence — the heavy swells, however, this time taking prece- dence. This street w^as once a kind of cis-Atlantic Chinese wall and line of defence for our good old Knickerbockers, and a locality at that time much affected by the domestic animals of the settlement and the wild beasts of the wild wood, which cir- cumstance accounts very satisfactorily for the number of bulls and bears that infest it in our day. The lofty buildings on either side contain as many cells as a honeycomb ; are pierced through and through like an ant-hill', and filled to over- flowing with a large assortment and great variety of human insects, pursuing many kinds of occupa- 246 A LEGEND OF W ALL- STllEET. tiuns — money alone the end and aim of all — in narrow dens, for the tenancy of which more than the rental of an Italian palace is paid. Bankers and brokers — of corn and cotton, bills * and exchanges, flour and drugs, lands and houses, ships and stocks, sugars and coffee, money and molasses, liquors and patent paints, editors and reporters, toothache-drops and fighting cocks, al fresco restaurants and peregrinating pie-shops, sharp cutlery (in keeping, that) and match horses, lozenges and terrier pups, new novels and New- foundland dogs, Olmskirk gingerbread and old umbrellas — till up and whirl about the street. In certain sly corners, also, are certain snugly concealed caves, into which, at all times, bulls and bears may be seen diving — the bulls probably to " whet up their horns," and the bears to suck up fat oysters out of their paws. Although one half of the operators — those who look up street while driving a bargain — may be said to keep the church in view, yet there is every reason to apprehend that the laws of meum and tuum are not correctly understood by them. In despite of the many honest and worthy men who congregate there ; in defiance of the " Board" that pronounces the " ex cathedra^'' not only upon all who may have transgressed the rules of busi- ness probity, but even on those unhappy wretclies, SPECULATION AND PECULATION. 247 the " lame ducks," until they have satisfied their creditors ; notwithstanding divers precautions, so many unscrupulous "operators" of every degree, white and black — for negroes there be with shaven polls and Spanish-looking wigs — outsiders, sharks, pilot-fish, and Tombs lawyers ; all seeking a sop from the great kettle — flies will swarm around the honey-pot — that it behooves the casual visitor of that region to keep his pockets well buttoned, and an eye out in every direction. Gold is the god, the day-star of the street, and money, that in former times but " made the mare go," is now the only true patent of nobility ; mod- est merit makes way for mint-drops, and the man of many descents yields the jpas to the master of millions. So many queer things have of late occurred, that among the chevaliers d? Industrie^ and the knights of the order of the brazen star, " financier- ing" has come to be but another name for obtain- ing other men's money, and speculation loses its initial letter. " Put money in thy purse," says lago ; " get money, honestly if you can, biit get money," gasps the expiring Scot. The jingle of coin, however obtained, has in it something very soothing to the worldling's conscience, and the possessor, as he laughs over his " pile,'' may aptly exclaim with Horace 11* 248 A LEGEND OF WALL-STREET. " Populus me sibilat, at mihi plaudo, Ipse domi, siinul ac nunimos contemplor in area," "Whicli may be freely rendered — Let people hiss, yet cash in hand, My risibles I can't command. Sometimes, however, the street is shaken to its centre, the tables turned and the shearers shorn, the light of certain speculations — to be made by some dark and sly " corner" — has faded away, and when " The last Rat is departing — " after an astounding " raise," then there is lamen- tation in Israel, the voice of Aminadab mourning over his money-bags ; and Wall-street, if inquired of concerning its health, might feelingly reply, in the simple, but pathetic words of the old song — " None the better, Mr. Tompkins, For seeing you — sir ; for seeing you." In one of the numerous dens of the street lives and flourishes, and has lived and flourished, for many a goodly year, a man whose name, in the Wall-street roll of fame, stands next to that of the father of American financiering — Jacob Barker. When I wrote " lived and flourished," I did not mean to intimate that Jacob the second — for he is a Jacob — ^had not experienced many an up and down, in fact, enough of them to upset and JACOB KEEN. 249 shelve any one but a man of his peculiarly India- rubber constitution. He is the greatest of all men for a '' corner,'' and has a wonderful fancy for the fancies, only the worst of it is, that you never know when you have him or where you have him ; and his best friends and co-workers — when engaged with him in some desperate scheme, with only their noses above water, are not perfectly sure but that he may be leading them on, and is perhaps doubly interested in putting down the identical " fancy" that he seems to be sustaining with the might of an Atlas. 'No one, in fact, can tell for a certainty whether Jacob Keen is a Bull or a Bear. Quite a number of years since, not before his " smartness" was fully developed, but ere the full power and extent of it was known and had been experienced, Jacob went into — what in the ver- nacular of brokers is termed — " an operation." Now a Wall-street operation has nothing to do with the effects of a cathartic drug, although it often produces a very cathartic effect upon the pockets of operators and operatees. Neither does it bear any relation to the legitimate employment of the surgeon's knife, and yet no sharper steel can cut more surely or more fatally. 250 A LEGEND OF WALL-STREET. Jacob, as I have said, entered into an operation, and thus it was : Among the very lightest of the fancies — blown about by every wind that swept the street — was the celebrated Hardscrabble-Soap-niining-coni- pany, which Jacob had long regarded with a loving eye, as offering peculiar facilities for a sly stroke of genius. The capital stock of this com- pany w^as represented by an upright figure — the only one, by the way, connected w^th it — and six ciphers, thus — 1,000,000. The real value of the shares, in the aggregate, was considerably less than nothing at all, but at the peculiar time of which I write, they were selling for about five dollars each. As it did not suit Jacob's purpose to work this mine alone, he proposed to a Boston firm — Messrs. Coggins and Scroggins — to take hold of the rope with him. They consented, and fell to work with right good will, upon the following terms : The contracting parties were to purchase— the one in New York and the other in Boston — every share that they could buy on time, or deliverable ahead, until* the stock began to feel the effects, and then to commence purchasing for cash, until the price should be carried up to fifty dollars per share. When this point should be reached, neither AN AFFECTING LETTER. 251 party should allow the price to decline, but both were bound to purchase every share ofiered at that price, in their market, until, having cleared their decks for the fall, each should agree to " let go all." In this there was no copartnership or division of profits, but each worked for their own interests. Every thing prospered for a while, and men who had sold at five and ten were forced to come in and pay up heavy deficiencies. But Jacob soon found that when the magic price of " fifty" was attained, the stock flowed in rather too freely for him. All this he had anticipated, and prepared for, so that when his pockets exhibited symptoms of exhaustion, a shrewd broker was dispatched to Boston, through whose hands he pressed his stock upon that market, thus forcing his co-laborers to buy up his own stock. The Boston house was a " warm" one, and warm w^ork they had of it for a time. But there is an end to all things — except, perhaps, a ring — and our friend Jacob was not much surprised, one fine morning, by the receipt of the following epistle : " Dear Keen : We cannot hold on any longer. Let go, and get out as well as you can. Your fellow sufferers, COGGINS & SCEOGGIlSrS." 252 A LEGEND OF WALL-STREET. Tliey, however, were considerably more aston- ished than delighted by the reply — Dear Coggins (& Scroggins : Sell away, I haven't a share. Yours very truly, J. KEEN. P. S. I have another capital operation in view. J. K. As Messrs. C. & S. probably considered that the new operation in view might perhaps be what is vulgarly termed " all in their eye," it is said they declined it. LEGEND THE FIFTH. THE GREAT TAUTOG A LEGEND OF LONG ISLAND. (At this moment the fish made a dart in a direct line, and the Captain's foot slipping, in he went, but clung, like a good fellow, to his rod, and retained his presence of mind enough to re- move his finger from the check of his multiplying reel. Mr. Gardner, fortunately, was near with the boat, and picked up the fisherman just as the fish had run out the entire line. The Captain, directing Gardner to pull for the fish, now com- menced reeling in. For half an hour there was as desperate a contest between physical force and cool skill as was, perhaps, ever witnessed, when, at length, it became evident that " scales" was getting the worst of it ; and running the boat ashore, the victorious party stranded and secured a giant Black Fish^ that weighed eighty-three pounds. Such a fish has never been heard of at Greenport. It is proper to state, that the Captain attributes the capture, in a great measure, to the excellence of his hook, which is of a new and very formidable kind. — New York Sjpirit of the Times. )'^ * That this extraordinary legend is truth itself, can be vouched for by many a frequenter of Greenport, where may be seen to this day the identical pole, " with bright silver bands." It hangs in the hall of the excellent Captain, (who, I am happy to say, survives,) and is exhibited to every curious guest. 264: A LEGEND OF LONG ISLAND. Where old Long Island's stalwart arms Embrace both Sea and Sound, Enshrined within their am'rous clasp Peconic Bay is found. And near its shore of glistening sand, Buoyed by the rolling tide, Advent'rous ships of ancient mould At quiet anchor ride. No whaling golden fleece they seek, » These ancient argosies. But fleece the whales, when winds are still 'Tis thus they raise a breeze. Oh, fair is the land that's about the Bay, And the Bay that's about the land. And fair women, a lot, about the streets trot. And fair houses line a fair strand. And men catch blue-fish out of the Bay, And men are caught blue on the shore ; There are mines of clams in the white sea-sand, And fat oysters a bounteous store. The black-fish they swim in the rocky Sound, And the week-fish they swim in the sea, And the porgies around are everywhere found In a goodly companie. There are pleasant roads for a summer drive. Cool chfFs for a smoke and a chat. And for shield from a shower, or shade for an hour, You can borrow the " Captain's" hat. Oh, there is the fair " Peconic House," And there is the " Wyandank," But a cosier inn than either, I ween. Stands farther upon the bank. THE CAPTAIN TAKETH AN OATH. 255 Oh, there is good food for the hungry man, And drink for the thirsty soul, And a jolly landlord as ever you met, To fill, or to empty, a bowl. As Commodore of a " seventy-four" Ton sloop, he sailed on the Sound ; But sailor no more, he sticks to the shore, And keeps the best hostelrie round. Great news hath come up to Greenport town. Great news hath been heard on the strand. And the news ever hies, and it doubles and flies, And all business hath come to a stand. Some say that it is the sea-serpent. And some say a juvenile whale ; By some it is said 'tis a stray mermaid. That has swallowed the end of her tail. An old cavernous rock standeth out in the Sound, A rock that is worn by the tide ; In its holes and its nooks, in its corners and crooks, Huge black-fish are wonted to hide. But now a new customer's come to the spot, A monster from far distant parts, And he rends every line, made of silk or of twine, And he scorneth the fisherman's arts. Of hooks such a lot in his maw he has got, Not one can be had in the town ; Gut leaders and gimp so tickle the imp. That a bushel at least he has down. Now the Captain hath sworn a horrible oath, And a horrible oath has he ta'en. That the monster fish shall smoke on his dish, Or he never wet line again. 256 A LEGEND OF LONG I3LAND. " Oh, send unto me old Ben Gardinier, Oh, send Uncle Ben unto me, That we may lay plot how is easiest got This cannibal* out of the sea. " Now I have a pole with bright silver bands, And the longest line in the town, And a right wonderful Job Johnson hook, I had of Mister Brown. " And I have a reel made of silver and steel. Of clams I've a barrel or twain, Of fiddlers a store of a bushel or more, And I vow the fish slopes not again." There's a fearful cave 'neath the old old inn, A fearful cave deep in the ground, A cave that's so deep, none may spy nor may peep^ And they say there dark spirits abound. And all in this darksome and dreaiy den, Until the long night has grown old, Are hidden the Captain and Uncle Ben ; But their fearful rites may not be told. A small chanticleer lives about the old inn, With the shrillest voice ever you heard ; A great crow-cus, too, he blows the year through, Not a spring flower he is, but a bird. The moon she rides high in a hazy sky And the sly stars are winking like fun. But Chanticleer's throat gives out many a note. And 'tis time that young day had begun. The Captain has heard shrill Chanticleer's song. The Captain and eke Uncle Ben ; The doors open wide, and the pair, side by side, Issue forth from that darksome den. • Query— Can nibble ?— Print. Dev. THE FISH TAKETH THE HOOK. 257 The Captaiu he looks on the North eni sky, And the Captain he looks on the South, And his gaze doth pass through a weather glass, But the rim of it is in his mouth. The mariner looks on the Eastern sky, * And the mariner looks on the West, " 'Tis hazy, I see, and wind Sou'- West," quoth he ; " And of all winds, by far 'tis the best." Now louder and louder crows shrill Chanticleer, His throat he had like to have torn, And the Captain doth pass his weather glass. And Ben winds a mellow horn. And now they have found the shores of the Sound, And now they embark on the deep, And now they have reached the " flat-top rock," And the Captain upon it doth creep. And now he putteth together his rod, And now he fixeth his reel. And now for his patent Job Johnson hook, In his pocket he 'ginneth to feel. A soft clam he took, and he put on the hook A soft clam and fiddlers twain. With a jerk in the sky they flew very high. Then fell far on the heaving main. Not a minute hath passed, when there comes such a tug, Not a minute but barely ten, And it gives quite a shock to the man on the rock, And the silver reel whistles again. A huge fish he took the Job Johnson hook, A huge fish he pulled at the line. " Now Ave Marie," the Captain quoth he, " I'm cock-sure that this fish is mine." 258 A LEGEND OF LONG ISLAND. Tlie fish he hath drawn out one-half of the line, And the fish is half way to the shore, . And then, with a bound, he whirleth around. And about the rock swims evermore. Round the rock whirleth " Fins," and the Captain's head As the fish faster yet cuts the water, [spins, And minutes pass by, yet roimd he doth fly, And the minutes have grown to a quarter. And aye round the rock the fish he doth swim, The quarters to hours have grown. Worse the Captain's head spins, and he curses and grins, As he whirleth about on the stone. The moon has hung her fiddle up, The stars have shut up shop. And now above the waters wide The sun's red pate doth pop. Fair Shelter Island's wooded height, And broad Peconic Bay, And Greenport's masts and Greenport's spires Are gilded by his ray. It gilds the water of the Sound, Ben and his dripping oar. It gilds the tip of the Captain's nose — 'Twas red enough before. Fast fall the drops from the summer cloud, And fast fall the autumn leaves, Fast fall the tears from woman's eyne, When she for her lover grieves. Fast fall the flakes of the pale pale snow, The spray from the steamer's prow, But faster than all tlie rain doth fall From the Captain's burning brow. THE CAPTAIN TAKETII WATER. 259 " Novr by St. George, of the merry Isle, St. Dennis of Jean Crapeaud, I piously wish this infernal fish Would give me a chance to blow. " The winds they blow, and they blow as they list, The flowers they blow in June, The fighting man gives blow for blow, The trumpeter blows his tune, " But blow me tight, if I to blow Can get a shade of a chance. For ever around this wretched fish Doth lead me a precious dance." Still around and about, and around and about The fish doth ever swim, And round like a top, with a skip and a hop, The Captain twirls after him. Alack a trip, and then a slip. And from the rock's steep side, Three hundred weight of solid flesh Fell plump into the tide. And down and down the Captain sunk. And down for fathoms twain, But, being of a lightsome turn, He straight turned up again. Quoth Gard'ner then, " Oh, Captain bold, If you have any fear. That you may drown, when next you're down, Pray throw me the bottle here." " Now, by the Mass, thou lordly ass, I prythee, dost thou think That I would be twirled to the spirit world With never a drop of drink ? 260 A LEGEND OF LONG ISLAND. " And if you will * shove in your oar,' Just shove it in the wave ; And if you want to ' take a pull,' Just pull your friend to save." Brave Gard'ner strained his manly arms, And braced his manly back, The prow asunder cleaves the wave, The oars and rollocks crack. True as the needle, to the pole The Captain clings amain, While onward ever darts the fish "With many a tug and strain. Across the line the Captain fell (I know strange lines are these). But he, although " across the line," Stuck to the " polar seize." Now safe within Ben Gard'ner's boat, " Ha 1" shouts the Captain. " Ho I That rascal fish I'm bound to flax ; I have him yet in tow. " And now, oh, ancient mariner, Strain at the groaning oar, And pull, if you wish to save me the fish. As never you pulled before." The ancient now gai»s on the fish, And the Captain he reels in his line — " By Peter and Paul, and the little saints all, I vow that the prey shall be mine." Wow gently they paddle the boat to the shore, And gently they pull to the strand ; But never, I vow, did you see such a row As the fish kicked up near the land. THE TOWN EEJOICETU. 261 The brave Captain then, and bold Uncle Ben, Jumped over, and on him did pounce — On a huge " Tautog," as big as a log, Weighing four score and three, every ounce. ****** The bells they are ringing in every church spire, And the cannon are fired in the street. And of people a crowd, shouting both long and loud, Sally forth the brave Captain to meet. The " Greenport Grays," and their brazen band, They lead the procession down, Playing " Hail to the Chief," and, for change and relief, " Don't give it up so, Mister Brown." Three parsons, all dressed in their very best, And chaunting away for their lives ; Came they to pray, or to prey on the prey. And carry some home to their wives ? * Ten virgins in white, the town's pride and delight, "With Virginals of a fine tone. Singing " Hey diddle diddle, the cat's in the fiddle," And " Meet me by moonlight alone." Next came the town lawyer, and then the town " sawyer," And a fiddler who turned out his toes. • Two venders of pills, and two doctors with bills, And a lot of young women with beaux. Six sailors, one pilot ; of boys quite a spry lot, Of fishermen just twenty-one, The crew of the " Cricket," who happened to nick it, And arrive right in time for the fun. Four railroad conductors, six vessel-constructors, Seven oystermen, armed with their drags ; A political club, with their drums dub-a-dub. And all sorts of banners and flags. 262 A LEGEND OF LONG ISLAND. But here I must stop, of ink, the last drop Is going, and paper doth fail ; If you would learn more, take the cars for the shore, And there hear the whole of the tale. LEGEND THE SIXTH. THE SOLDIER AND THE HOST A LEGEND OF THE MIDDLE AGES. FYTTE YE FYRSTE. 8H0WYNQE HOWE YE SOWDYOURE* GOTTE HIMME METE WITHOUTEN FEE. A Londe theyre ben owere ye see, Menne clepen Alleymayne ; An hostel theyre an hoste dyd keepe, And althro' Luste o' gayne. We manne he been of opene herte, Ye pens dyd grype ryght dour ; Ne mendicaunte, ne starvynge dame, Ben derk himme opene door. A cuunynge sowdyoure-inanne theyre came Fro merrie Engelonde ; Hys purs ben barre, for travaille farre Ne small purs mighte withstonde. Ryghte lustylie then called he For mete and fyssche and wyne ; And when off mete ynoughe ben ete Ne fee ye hoste myghte fynde. Nowe pay to me, meyn hoste sayen he, Tenn pens o' sylver bryghte ; Or else fulle deepe yn dungen keep, Y'l clappe you, thevynge wyghte. * Sowdyoure — soldier. — See Sir John Mandeville. 12 264 A LEGEND OF THE MIDDLE AGES. Nowe staye your honde, on faythe of manne One yeer ben passe awaye, Thro thys same Reme, returnynge heme, Comme y to paye your fee. Nowe here's for thee a gurdone fee, Als you wil fulle sonne fynde ; Then raysed himme foote and clouted boCte, And kycket himme behynde. Saunte Marie, here thy servant's priere, lesu, so me sauve ; Revengyd to be foule carle on thee, Or fille deshonoured grave. FYTTE YE SECONDE. SHOWYKGE HOWE YE SOWDTOUEE PATDE YE H08TB. One yeere ben passen quycke awaye. And at ye hostel doore Ye Sowdyoure manne agayne dyd stand, And lusty lie dyd roaxe. Comme outen here, O surleye hoste, Comme outen vinto mee ; I comme fro farre and dystaunte warre To paye ye owynge fee. Ye hoste dyd quake, ye hoste dyd shake. To heare ye sowdyoure's voyce ; But when ye dette, he thoughte to gette. His herte dyd muche rejoyce. O pardonne me, bolde sowdyoure manne, I took ye for a knay ve. But now ye comme to paye your dette Pardonne I humblye craue. THE SOLDIER FEASTETH. 265 Naye, naye, myne host I trowe I be A righte goode truthfulle manne ; But menne theyre ben, who thynke no Binnd To cheyte you when they canne. Brynge mee a pottel of goode wyne, Brynge mee a goode fatte henne, And I wil drynke and I wil ete, And I will paye you then. Outen he broughte ye pottel wyne, Outen ye goode fatte henne ; Ye sowdyoure drank, ye sowdyoure ete Ye sowdyoure seyen then : Agone one yeere, I dyd comme here, Anhungered fulle sore ; To fille my crauynge bellye then, I ben make derke your doore. Ne sylvere bryghte hed I to paye, Ne sil\wre bryghte, ne golde ; I seyen treue to paye to you. When one yere bye hadde rollde. pardone mee ! bolde sowdyoure ibAnne, pardone me ! I praye, And gyve to me ye twentye pens Thet ben thy dette thys daye. 1 tolde to thee, surleye hoste,' And I will make yt trewe. Revenged I would ryghtlie be, 1 swere yt unto you. Tenne sylver pens ye dette there ben, You kycket me behynd ; Ye raysed foote, ye clouted bootte Dwell alwaye yn my minde. 266 A LEGEND OF THE MIDDLE AGES. Ye kycket mee behyude, myne hoste, And now I wil thee thank e For twenty pens my presunte dette To checke on ye same banke. Cetera desunt. LEGEND THE SEVENTH. MRS. miller's snuff A LEGEND OF MOUNT OLTMPUS. Jove sat on high Olympus, and he heard A horrid clatter. It seemed as though all heaven and earth had stirred, And frightened even the immortal bird. " Hey ! what's the matter ?" The cloud-compeller cried, his brow quite clouded, And with majestic frowns entirely shrouded. " Hallo I" the Thund'rer shouted, " t'other one, Why, what in thunder I That imp of Maia's back, and at his fun ; I'll make the ill-conditioned son-of-gim Knock under. I say, you good-for-nothing thievish spark, "What do you mean by this outrageous lark ?" " Father of gods and men," he cried, " I swear, Here on my bended knees, In Hades, on the earth, in upper air, There's nothing diabolic can compare, With Miller's sneeze. I bought a box when down below just now But didn't think to kick up such a row. 268 A LEGEND OF MOUNT 0LY3^rPUS. " May't please your royal majesty, 'tis said, So I am told, That vile old Eurus has some mischief bred, And in your highness' very gracious head You've taken cold. Dare I request you, sire, to take a pinch ?" The rogue approached the king just half an inch. " Why, re'ly, 'pon my honor, I must say — Confound my nose — If e'er I snuff, 'tis just this time of day, And Madam Juno's not now in the way, Here goes." ****** Heaven sliook, earth tottered, at the awful sound, The " bird" flew off, and hasn'£ since been found ; And Mrs. Miller's Snuff, 'tis very plain, Occasioned thus the Natchez hurricane. MIDSUMMEE CHAPTERS. CHAPTER I. A. CHAPTER ON NAMES. We are strong believers not only in a " fitness of things," but also in a "fitness of names." It may be very true, and we wish ourselves to be distinctly understood as having not the most re- mote intention of impugning the veracity of the old adage, " A rose with any other name w^ould smell as sweet ;" but for the sake of experiment just call that same "rose" a " polywog," or a " tadpole," or whatever may be the correct appel- lation of that unfortunate amphibious lusus, doomed by tradition to a sedentary habit, until its caudal termination be fairly and squarely worn ofi', ere it attain the somewhat dubious dignity of " Frog- ship," and hang our pictures, if ladies or poets would patronize the flower any longer. We, perhaps, would not go the same length that honest John Bunyan did, and blab the truth all at once, give a man's whole character, with a slight taste of his early history, and a squinting 12* 272 A CHAPTEE ON NAMES. at his ultimate fate ; yet still we think it just and proper that the name should embody a sort of hint, a kind of shooting around the corner at the pecu- liarities of the person, or uses of the tiling. It is our failing, perhaps our idiosyncrasy, but we cannot, for the life of us, help passing our judgment upon persons and things by their appel- lations. And if the world does not like the trick w^e have got, let it learn to apply names properly, and then we shall be as we should be, all right and correct. As a blacksmith would say, " to upset the old saying," if Mahomet, forbidden by constitutional scruples and a mens conscia recti^ can't go to the mountain, let the mountain come to Mahomet. ITow, for instance, we never could divest our mind of the idea that the Fleet-Prison in London was intended to be a dernier ressort — an ultima Thule — a home of refuge for all " fast men" — that Salem is just the residence for captains of vessels, or that the alms-house is peculiarly adapted to those persons who have lost their upper limbs. What Gcm one expect of a Potts, a Hubbs, or a Stubbs, but a stumpy, dumpy, unromantic figure ; or of a Tubs, but such an one as is expressly fitted by nature to illustrate an old proverb often em- ployed, if not to point a moral, at least to adorn a tale ? CUTTING DIDOES. 273 Helena was a very correct name for the heroine of Troy ; and we at least shall always be very shy of young misses who may boast the same title. Priam should have been by nature an inquisitive person ; one that would have made searching in- quiries as to the why or how " the half his Troy" came to be burned ; and he would seem to be the very man of all the world to have been appointed chairman of the committee upon the celebrated Saltpetre Question. Menelaus should have been a legislator; one prolific in " be it enacted and further enacted ;" and as for poor Dido, no wonder that she cut such strange capers with ^neas, her name is her apol- Apropos de Dido — a friend once asked us what in our free opinion might be the origin of that odd phrase, " cutting didoes," and we sagely and poet- ically answered in this wise : " ^neas was the father we should say, Who * Cut a Dido' when he ran away." We have always fondly imagined that shoe- makers' spouses should be Peggies, gamblers' ladies Bets, and that Sue would be just the wife for an attorney. Harry strikes us as appro- priate for all young gents with an extra supply of moustache and whisker. Sophies should be of a sedative disposition, and DolJies misses of the 274 A CIIAPTEK ON NAiklES. bread and butter school, strongly attached to in- animate imitations of miniature infants, far less troublesome than the much desired originals, and infinitely cleaner. Those pretty girls who are fond of exhibiting their charms at certain celebrated Ethiopian con- certs, might perhaps be designated Christabels ; and the maid-servant who does the marketing and small purchasing, should be A-bi-gal. - Old Koah must have been a very wise man to have earned his name. Confectioners' wives should always be Patties ; those ladies of an uncertain age who are always in search of husbands, Marions ; and that go- ahead class, the Presidents and Secretaries of all sorts of female humbugs, Ledahs. Sometimes, in our degenerate age, a name will excite remark. Kow, lately, all the papers copied the marriage of a certain Henry Apple and Sarah Apple, but we could see no impropriety in the making of two apples into one pair. "We think that the ancient names are also well represented, especially those of sacred history. The prudes, who keep all men at a distance, assuredly belong to the tribe of Levi ; those who desire more ardent lovers are descendants of Beniah ; and those who perpetually appeal to their maternal progenitors, 0-mar. PAIR OF LOCO-FOCO MATCHES. 275 The colored gentleman who superintends the preparation of the miniature dormitories on ship- board, is probably A-bed-nego. Ben-jam-in would be very appropriate for an omnibus driver ; and Bil-dad for any William burdened with the cares of paternity. The good people of Lynn are Shu-hites. Yan- kee Sullivan and Tom Hyer, liit-ites ; all misers, Git-ites ; and that numerous class of visiting old ladies who carry one column more of news than the Herald, belong to the tribe of Gad. Peregrinating Milesians, in search of the re- mains of burnt wood for soap-boilers, are of Asher's tribe ; keepers of intelligence offices are Hirams ; and blacksmiths devoted to the prepara- tion of wheels, must be descendants of the old families of Tyre. In our opinion, all witty ladies, smart at repar- tee, should be Sallies; diminutive men, Bobs; hare-brained youths, with their heads in a perpetu- al whirl, Eddies ; and a confirmed toper should be A-bi-rom. We know ho more appropriate name than that of Benton, who seems bent on having his own way upon all occasions; and we are rather in- clined to believe that the determined Colonel and his small Giantship of Illinois are a pretty good pair of loco-foco matches. 276 A CHAPTER ON NAMES. And now there is one subject which has often troubled our inquiring mind ; in the hope of obtaining some new light, we make it known — Is the upper Red River, or that Eastern lake of pitch and tar, the proper modern representation of the classic River Styx 1 CHAPTEK n. A MUSICAL LANGUAGE. We are passionately fond of music, and every- thing appertaining thereunto ; but although Dame ISTature, in a kindly mood, engrafted the love of sweet sounds in a remarkable degree, yet turning cross grained ere she had completed her handi- work, we were deprived of the faculty of pro- ducing them. We have an inward and undying consciousness that the root of the matter is within us ; but alas, how to get it out ! Something very like the bark, is our nearest approximation to singing. i ■ Our first and only attempt in the instrumental line was made in our green-apple days-r— that happy and careless time, when to the unsophisti- cated mind of sunny and daughtery childhood, a jew's-harp appears the embodiment of music, and a lump of molasses candy the personification of the sweets of life. We took a series of short and easy lessons during our daily journey homeward from school; 278 A MUSICAL LANGUAGE. our teacher, the most important personage in the class, having a "big brother" in the same temple of Minerva — the instrument, a fine-tooth comb. The results of our first performance at home were decided, but unsatisfactory ; instead of en- comiums showered upon our heads, a threat of combing it with an ideal affair, a sort of ottoman of low life, without the customary number of pedal sustainers, was our only reward. We adore a piano, even though it be of the tin- kettle species — go into ecstacies about a harp — the hurdy-gurdy, barrel-organ, and jew's-harp, are grateful to our ears, our pecuniary circum- stances have suffered much from the frequent sums ungrudgingly bestowed by us upon perform- ers, but the clarionet, blown loud and high, in a close room, and without accompaniment, is our prime favorite. Singing is with us a perfect passion, and we can even endure an Italian- American opera, at fullest blast,, with a regular screamer of a prima donna. A plan was in existence some years since, to form an universal language, to be spoken in tones of music, and to give that vile, mischief-making member, the tongue, a perpetual holiday. How delightful this would be ; and why has it been abandoned ? Only imagine some poor be- nighted husband, who has been out upon business A MUSICAL BLOW-UP. 279 until three in the morning, on at last reaching his vine and fig tree, instead of the customary greeting of his cara sposa's shrill pipe, wound up to Caudle pitch, to be softly and soothingly blown up with a trumpet. An objection might be raised; it might be said that all cannot play; but as Rome was not built in a day, we recommend small beginnings; and as all can sing, — some, to be sure (for instance ourselves), after a very peculiar fashion — we advise a free use of popular songs, a single line of one of which may contain the soul of a host of words. What could be more appropriate than to hear a dozen or so white-aproned butchers sing at the top of their voices, for the opening chorus of the market " Here we meet /" Suppose again some fair creature overtaken by a shower; the heavy drops falling fast upon her snowy bosom, until she has a drop too much. Suppose, we say, under these embarrassing cir- cumstances, she should stop, and in melodious .strains, address that ''myth," the clerk of the weather, with " Thou, tliou,_ reigrC&t in this bosom^' How fine would be tlie efiect ! Deep-mouthed watch-dogs should be instructed to bay something like the air " My harh is on the 280 A MUSICAL LANGUAGE. deejp,^^ and nurses, that favorite song, which com- mences with " On old Long Island's sea-girt shore," and winds up with " Eockaway." What horrid misanthrope, hater of the morning walk, and rural pleasure, would have the audacity to request an immediate change of weather, by singing *• Hail, smiling morn !" It would be at least an approximation to a musi- cal and poetic language ; words might be altered for the occasion, or an extra verse or two thrown in impromptu. This, however, wouM not be always safe to attempt. We had a friend, who fondly imagined himself gifted with the true poetic fire — he made a slight mistake, it was only an aptitude for jingling words together ; and so one evening, having been requested to sing a very pathetic ditty, he proceeded fearlessly on, until at the conclusion of these lines — " Rock, and tree, and flowing water, Bird and bee, and blossom taught her," his evil genius gave his memory a sudden jog, and, losing its balance, out slipped the next line ; but he was not to be done so easily ; and, catching in- stantly at the rhyme, sung — " To know just what she hadn't oughter." This, perhaps, incorporated in a few words, the SITTING ON THE STYLE. 281 spirit of the song. The rhyme was kept up, but, for some unexplained reason, the effect was far from flattering : tears, to be sure, flowed freely, but, alas, not the sad offspring of an overwrought sentimentality. A dealer in naval stores might give, with great effect, " When I beheld the anchor weighed," and conclude, by informing us how much it came to, at a certain price per pound. " When twilight dews are falling fast," may be a very pretty air, but it would sound un- pleasantly to a man upon the verge of bankruptcy ; for though twilight falling dew may be light, plea- sant, and easy to bear, yet it would remind him of notes falling due, not so easy to lift ; the notes would grate upon his ear, and it were far more charitable to favor him with " I know a bank" which would undoubtedly suggest discounts, and " wild ^^me" given. Should a lover, in a moment of delirium, seat himself upon that modern pandora-ism, a band- box, containing a bonnet of the latest fashion, we recommend the ditty, " I'm sitting on the stile, Mary." If this would not pacify the lady, he should then 282 A MUSICAL LANGUAGE. be at liberty to exclaim, " Fie, Mary," and she would then be Molly-lied. A gambler, who's wife is facile in the use of cards, might celebrate her good qualities with " My Anuie is a win-some lass." Songs there are, suited* to all conditions in life. Imagine a farmer thus addressing, in terms of re- proach, some veteran of the flock and fold, who has been indulging his pugnacious propensities, for full sixty minutes, by bringing his cranium in close contact with his adversary's sconce — " I saw thee but an hour." An auctioneer, to induce his customers to follow him to what, in old parlance, was known as a ven- due, might cheer them on with, " Oh, shall we go a sailing I" "We heard, the other day, a beautiful application of a charming old song. " A man " down east," engaged in cutting pine timber, pleaded with his wife, who was about to leave him, because he would call her Molly, a name which she detested. He insisted that Molly she was born, and Molly she should be called. As she turned to leave him in the forest, these words smote her ear, and we hope her heart also : — " Oh, Molly Bawn, why leave me pining F" If, dear reader, you are a lady — but, stop, under TAKING THE PLEDGE. 283 such circumstances, tlie " dear" may seem too affec- tionate and presuming, considering our short ac- quaintance — so, fair reader, if you he a lady — as of course you are — and if presiding at your break- fast-table, the coffee-urn should refuse farther dis- counts of liquid amber, then pacify the frowning countenances around you with, " There was a little maid.^* An industrious person, desiring her lord and master to arise, and take the baby, while she pre- pared the breakfast, might use, with great effect, the temperance ode — " Awake, awake, and take the pledge.^' A friend, whose strongly-developed somnolent propensities made him invariably the last at the morning meal, was finally cured, by his sister's playing regularly, as a reveille, in the room under- neath him, the " Zast Hose of Summer," with va- riations of hers. When some aspiring traveller shall have attained the sumrnit of a lofty mountain — the mounting of which has hitherto been deemed an impossibility — Himalaya, for instance, never attained, save by one, and good authorities deem him a liar, what ^'' lo jpcBarC could the victorious vagrant better cel- ebrate his achievement with, than *' I've wandered on through many a clime? 284 A MUSICAL LANGUAGE. An Indian, with his quiver full of arrows, but no means of propelling them, might sing, « If I had a Jeaw." And " if an army of Amazons" ever should come in play — which would be far preferable to their coming in serious earnest — how could the fair re- cruiting sergeants (we somewhat doubt their being orderlies) better fill their ranks than, instead of the loud rattle of the base-born drum, g-inging, in dul-. cet strains, « Lady, /i«<— lady li%C Tliey must be of a dull set, indeed, who could resist such an invitation. " Bacchus, god of rosy -wine," is no doubt a very proper song for those who go into an after-dinner engagement ; at least we know, that if our brains and health were in simi- lar jeopardy, to say nothing of the probable diffi- culty of finding our way home alone, at the termi- nation of the conflict, we should need somebody to back us. " Twere vain to tell thee all I feel," should be practised by all tyros, before attempting a sea voyage. They will find it extremely appli- cable the greater part of the trip. A LOim DIVE. 285 The title of one song has often puzzled us — ^The Carrier Dove — so the caption says ; but not one word can be found in the song itself to show how long he stayed under, or whether he came up at all. CHAPTEE III. A NEW THEORY OF QUOTATIONS. There are perhaps an hundred unfortunate liners of poetry — literary wandering Jews — ^kept, like the juggler's ball, constantly in motion, and finding, like I^oah's dove, no rest for the soles of their feet. For a series of years has there been a wedding, a frolic, or a feast recorded, in describing which the abominable penny-a-liner has not informed us that " All went merry as a marriage beW* Would that that bell had been cracked ere it rang its merry peal, and that marriage adjourned sine die^ ere those lines were written. We read, or hear, and that too on an average, some half a dozen times a day, of some low-born damsel who " never told her love, But let concealment, like a worm V the hcd, Feed on her damask cheek." Well, suppose she didn't — is that any reason why you should go on telling it for ever afterwards ? TAKING A SPEL. 287 The lady herself, if it came to her ears, would doubtless be highly offended at your eternal prat- tling on the subject. You had better take the " concealment" home to your own lips, and let us have some less of the " cheek." We propose for the benefit of those who are so fond of interlarding their productions with lines long worn threadbare, to give a few hints of our new system and the mode to apply it. Imagine some trembling urchin, standing in speechless astonishment, open-mouthed, choking with the attempt to arrange and give utterance to the proper letters representing some ponderous word, hurled at his devoted head by the remorse- less pedagogue, who, book in hand, with ferocious phiz contemplates the miserable miscreant. See the boy looking " Like one whom sudden spels enchant," " As if struck by a spel " He motionless stands." Perchance our juvenile friend is not alone in his glory, but down the long lane of lads passes the fatal polysyllable " Whose magic spel no tongue can tell." "Would you converse with a blacksmith's daugh- ter of her sooty but respected progenitor ? Quote Moore, thus " Thy father Iran's deadliest foe." 13 288 A NEW THEORY OF QUOTATIONS. Would you address a game leg ? Call Shelley to your aid, and write •* Thou ever soarest!* Two unfortunate dogs, whose combined bowl- ings have exhausted their master's patience, and occasioned an application of the lash to the leash, might lament with one of the Bard of Erin's heroes, " Why were our barks together driven ?" The Milesian who salutes his mistress, steals kisses " ^That bloom. Around the Crater's burning lips, Sweetening their very edge." Were you addressing some war-worn veteran, whose dilapidated citizen's dress contrasted but sadly with his quondam glittering trappings of war ; " Cutter" will help you to this line, " Yet holier is thy peaceful closed A gallant, surprising his mistress as she is under- going a change of attire, might aptly quote from Marmion — « Ho ! shifts she thus 1" The unfortunate Irishman, who imagined that some one had cut off the end of the bow-line he was endeavoring to haul in, should have borrowed from "Knowles." " Never yet was line so long." A GREAT SHOT. 289 If you are telling the tale of the Pennsylvania Dutchman, who was deluded into the belief that he had shot a deer with his shovel, throw your hero into an attitude, and put those words of the last-named author into his astonished mouth. -Yet who from such a stem Would look for such a shoot /" Would you salute a somewhat indolent clergy- man ? Borrow from Wilson " Hail, idol divine /" Had you been in Wall-street where, as Horace Smith says — " Alas ! for human reason, all is change" at about two, P. M., on the day of a late defal- cation ; looking at the darkened countenances around you, you would have felt the full force of this line of Byron — " One shade the more, one Ray the less." The toper, who shakes his bottle, and finds that it is not yet empty, might pour out his grateful thanks with " A spirit in your echoes answers me." Should you desire to describe a police magis- trate, who has united you by the nuptial tie to some fair being, Knowles can help you to " He seemed a very Ccesar of a Mari-us" 290 A NEW THEOKY OF QUOTATIONS. The man, whose limbs are naturally crooked, should remember that his case is the same as that of the " Prisoner of Chillon," " My limbs are bowed, but not with toil," and might exult over the old proverb — ^' A friend in-kneed, is a friend indeed." The rush of waiters, with travellers' baggage in the hall of a hotel, is aptly described in " Lalla Kookh"— " And as they tumble trunk on trunk." A gambler's vest, with its tawdry jewelry, is " One dreary waste of chains!" A dozing miller — '* Sleeps, and feels no more the grinding cares." Apostrophize a fat turkey, as Keats does sleep — " Oh, comfortable bird !" Keturned Californians — « Th/re of the farther west" And we tire of the subject, and re-tire for the present, promising a fresh supply when these lines shall have been properly committed to memory, by those for whose benefit they are intended. CHAPTEK TV. A CHAPTER ON NAVIGATION. The great secrets of navigation are contained in a small compass. AVhen navigators are desirous to know the depth of the water, they usually drop a line for information, and it has generally lead in the end to the obtaining of the sought-for knowledge. Ships that directly oppose the authority of the winds by endeavoring to fly in their teeth, are put immediately in irons, and becoming naturally Ul-humored under such circumstances, have a very 3tern way about them. Vessels in a high wind are addicted to low gambling, and do nothing but turn up coppers, md pitch and toss while the gale lasts. Ships go to divers parts of the earth, especially 'hen they visit the pearl regions. Those who go down to sea in ships, are not iry apt to turn up again. Sailors are very lawless persons, taking anything 292 A CHAPTER ON NAVIGATION. thej need ; in fact, they sometimes take the sun and moon. Ships are not nsnallj provided with gardens, although they have many small yards. Merchantmen are generally successful in making sail. Steamers are likely to predominate over other descriptions of vessels, as they are much more prolific, and have a greater number of berths. They seldom fall, although they make a great many trips. Clipper-built vessels are dissipated in their habits ; their masts being especially rakish. The most unprofitable consignment that can be made, is to ship a sea. Yessels baified by head-winds, become very much enraged, go to beating, and often box the compass. Ships have a great number of hands and knees ; the masts all have feet and steps ; the bows have figure and cat heads ; the ship itself has a fore- foot, but no hind one, and dead eyes, so-called, because the see cannot come through them. Sailoi^s are liable to a peculiar rheumatic aflfec- tion, called the sea-attic, from their spending so much of their time at sea aloft. One locomotive is sufficient loading for a vessel, as it always makes a car-go. CAT-TAIL AND PIG-TAIL. 293 Kettle-bottomed ships are most likely to go to pot. The most polite parts of the ship are the bows and the gallant yards. Ships suifer but little from fair winds, but during head- winds, they wear very much. Captains are Robinson Crusonic in their reckon- ings, keeping the accounts of the voyage on logs. On the return trip a back log is used. Most vessels are sociable in their manners, and have a companion-way about them. Salt pork on board ship, is the " main stay," potatoes the " main truck," and grog the " main brace" — all of these are indispensable in the main — and on the main. An old bachelor, if like anything on ship-board, resembles a ring-bolt. Ships, like women, have waists, and for this reason, we suppose, they miss their stays so much. An undertaker's shop is somewhat like a ship, as it has shrouds on every side. A city belle is very like a steamboat, as she always has a " swell" after her. The cat heads are near the bows of the ship, and the cat-tails near the stern of the sailors. The cat-tails disturb the equanimity of the jolly tars very much, and they fly to "pig-tail" for consolation. CHAPTER V. LETTER FROM A POOR BODY IN DISTRESS. Dere Sur I take my pen in hand tu inform you of awl mi deferkilties, Mi old man follered the se till he got the se-attic rumatiz from goin up the loft so often to look out, I expect, and when it was loe tide in his pokits he cum home, and has been tide to me ever sens, and hen coblin wimmins shuse and aligators to boot, but awl I kin du, he wunt last long. Soon after we was marred he left me and went to see Sal, which put an end to mi canibal felicity, and left me to shift for myself. So I went to raakin shurtz and takin scrubbin, and before long I had a little plague of our mutual infection. I was allers a savin kritter, and when the old man cum home at last Fde uppards of considerable, and had as much work as me and mi gal cud turn our bans tu. I'de a sine over mi door, and a carpit lade in mi settin room, and was takin cumfits in my daters confecshunary dispusishun. A SAILOR SEA-CURED. 295 But sense he cum home sum of the medikle young men that I duz for, that's tendin lections and larnin to be sturgeons, found out he was a victim to the rumatiz, and keeps cummin here advisin him and taukin tu my dater Sah They've ben lernin her to dance the poker ; they called it so because they make a grate stir when they dance it ; and they wanted her to go to a bawl with em, but I told her I'd make her bawl if she did. Well, tu on em knm in tother nite when I was pay in mi devours to the te tabul. Thare ailers tau- kin bout every thing they sea, and so they told me green te was sloe pisin, and axed me w4iy I dident drink pongee or showsong, wich they se'd was boo- tifull ; but mi old man will drink gunpowder, because he's ben in the navy and is used to the smell. But mi te is so mity strong I'm afeared sumtimes of its blowin my brains out or purdusin cutaneous rumbustious in the coffin pot in which I make it. You see I have to umer the old man a litil, as he * aint goin to sea any more, and is sea-cured to me for the rest of his born dase. Well, my young gentlemen stade and stade, and tawked about amplificashuns and compound frac- tions and politics ; I dident no wq.t they stade fur, 13* 296 LETTER FROM A POOR BODY IN DISTRESS. nor what they ment, but purtjsoon sum one whis- tled and then they went out. The necks mornin wen mi gal went out tu take the milk, the man ast hur " if her ma had sold her mangle ? " She cum rite off and told me, and I went out to bloe up the man for his imperdence, but he was gawn, and wen I luked up, I see mi sine was tu. I felt awfull decumposed, and went in and blowed up mi old man to relieve my feelins. Arter I'd sarched awl over in vane, I put on mi things and went down to Miss Rockwills, the fortin teller, and tolde her I'de lost suthin. She luked at sum figirs on her tabel and sed the sine was in the hed, and the water-carrier was in conjunction. I thaut I'de herd enuf, and so I put out fur home as put out as ever I cud be. I went up stares tu the hed, but there wan't no sine on the landin, and then I hunted up the man that brings awl mi water from the hyder-aliwurks at the coroner, but he swore he hadnt seen the sine, so I cum home and drank twelve cups of te out of spite, and laid awake all nite, hatchiu plans to set for the thefe. Kecks mornin brite and erly, the water-man (the identified feller I'de expected of the dead) noks at mi door, and says, "Missis, jist git up, and cum round the coroner and I'll show yer yere sine." Up I jumpt and round the coroner I went, and SCAN MAG. 297 shure ennff rite on the Hosspittle gate liung mi butifull sine, painted sea rulin blew, with red Caro- line letters and yeller boarders MAKGLmG DONE HERE It's sum of them consarned studeants wurx, and I want to no if I kant git exemplified damni- fication. ewer inflicted servant tu comand Betse haris. CHAPTER YI. WET NUKSES TO OEDEK. A FRAGMENT. " Tim ! Tim Dolan ! " shouted the master of Kil- dare House, at the top of his voice. " Here, yer honor," was Tim's reply from below, and in a moment, a shock of red hair, accompanied by an indescribable physiognomy and an ungainly person, appeared in the presence. *' Tim, quick ; saddle a horse and ride down to the village ; hire the first woman you can find with a young child, and bring her home with you. IS^ever mind the price," said the master. "Sorra a one of me knows who I'll get, yer honor," returned Tim. " What ! not a woman in the village that has a young child ? " asked Mr. O'Conor. " Divil a one, savin yere presence, sence blissid Father Moriftsfty was called to heaven two long years agono,*^ was Tim's reply. " What shall we do? what shall we do?" ex- claimed the master, wringing his hands. SLIGHTLY DAMP. 299 " The doctor says, that if we don't get a wet nurse this night, my poor infant heir is doomed." " Oh, why didn't ye say so ? " returned Tim. " I'll find ye one immediately." In a few minutes a terrible uproar was heard below, and Mrs. Moriarty, fhe nurse in ordinary, rushed into the parlor, shrieking out, " Murther, ye villin ! honna-mon-dhioul to ye, Tim Dolan, for ever more, ahmin ! " " What under heaven is the matter ? " demanded the astonished master, " and what does all this mean at such a time ? " "That blaygard Tim, yer honor," replied the infuriate dame, " that blaygard Tim daured to call me out to look at something in the wather-butt, and whin I wasn't mindin him, he catches me by the heels and souses me in entirely. Oh ! wurra astrew ! — the divil resave ye, ye tief of the world!" " Why, you scoundrel," exclaimed Mr. O'Conor, seizing Tim by the collar, *' how dare you ? " " Bless yer honor," replied Tim, " and yer hon- or's beautiful lady, and yer honor's illigant jewel of a baby, that sha'n't die at all, at all, I was jist making a wet nurse of her, to be shure ; if you want a wetter one, say the worrud, and I'll fill the butt up to the top." CHAPTER YII. AN INTERCEPTED LETTER (fOTJND UPON THE BATTERY.) I take pin in band, to obey your command, In addressin me daiiint, an hour to imploy ; I'm sick and I'm sad, and Tm bother'd like mad, The same blissins, dare Judy, I hope you injoy. Now, love, don't be frighten'd to see me bad writin, You know what a schollard I was at that same. In readin an spellin, all others excellin, But whin half says over, they slipped me agen. Millia, murther, my jewell, shure wasn't it cruel. An innocint craythure, like me to desave. How wid milk and wid honey, wid dimins and money, The gutthers was flowin, the sthreets was all paved. Arrah Judy, they tould me, they couldn't withowld me, From getting a stashun, soon's I'd be on shore, At laste a tithe-proctor, or sich a horse doctor, As I was, they'd make me Lord Mare to the fore. Though not very ful handed, the minit we landed. We intered a shebeen, convaynient the shore, And all tuk to dhrinkin, the divil one thinkin That men of distinchshin they'd ax for the score. To show our high braydin, and not be degradin The blood that was ia us, we called on the wine, AN OBLIGING CAPTAIN. 301 An down his own throttle, ache man poured a bottle, Arrah Judy, ma vourneen, the flavor was fine. It bate all the whiskey in makin' uz friskey The strlngth that was in it, no one 'ud suppose : An its truth that I'm tellin, to kape it from swellin, The cork of ache bottle was tied to its nose. But when we'd be goin, shure wusn't they showin, A long slip of paper, a bill 'twas they called, So we riz up a ruckshun, an made swate destrucshun Ov bottles an glasses, an waithei's an all. We smashed iviy windy, kicked up sich a shindy, That they knocked up the polishe, and they knocked us down, And for degradashuu, tuk uz to a stashun, An giv us dhry lodgins, och murther ; och hone ; And whin the next mornin, the skies was adornin, They marched uz for thrial, as big as ye plaze. The judge was a quare one, a wig he don't ware one, And sits in a chair very mucli at his aise. Siz I, " plaize yer honor, me name's Micky Connor, And it's sakin my foi-tin that I'm doin here." Sez he, " Mick, me Jewell, I wudn't be cruel, Shell out half an aigle, an yez may go clear." Judy, now that I know it, to the devil I throw it. For a counthry of freedom, its likes ne'er was known ; For dhrinkin an atin, an danciu an batin, Arrah, divil a thratin, ache pez for his own. An murther, the tormints or bugs and ov varmints, Wid wings and widout 'em, wid sting and wid bite, They bother us slaypin, an kape us from rapin. In Morfusis swate arms repose day or night. 302 AN INTERCEPTED LETTER. The museatliers the craythurs, bangs all human nature, They blows on their trumpitz, an fades where they plaize ; An the bugs be the blaziz, they runs quathei* raciz, An dances kodrills on me legs wid the flays. Thim bugs has savour, ov mighty high flavour, They're the size av me hand, an they come in big throops. The Yankees they raise 'em, and highly they praise 'em, For illigant atin, made in turtle soups. But the staymer's a waitin, the captain, re pay tin That if I don't stop he'll be loosin the tide. May the choicest ov blessins be iver your dressin. And kape clear ov the boys till ye'r Mickey's own bride. Mickey Connoe. CHAPTEK YIII. SERIOUS COMPLAINT AGAINST WIT AND HUMOR. {An intercepted letter evidently intended for publication.) Sir: You may have heard of the man, who, having astonished the company by his gastronomic performances, accounted for them by saying that his father always eat a great while, and his mother a great deal, and that he took after both of them. In some respects I am like him. My father was a very plain man, and my mother disliked nonsense. I resemble them in both particulars. Whenever my father slipped up upon a piece of orange peel or down upon a defunct quid, poked his leg through a loose grating or muddied his boots in crossing a filthy street, he immediately composed a pungent and sententious article upon the subject, and caused it to be inserted in some city journal. You have probably perused the productions of his pen with pleasure. They were usually signed, either a " Constant Reader " or 304 COMPLAINT AGAINST WIT AND liUirOE. " Yours, Truly." His many friends sought to induce him to prepare his many interesting papers for publication, and they thought that, presented to the world in a handsome octavo, embellished with the author's portrait, and chris- tened "Urbal Economy; or, the Miscellaneous Patriotic "Writings of Pro Bono Publico," they must meet with- decided success. His innate modesty shrank from the task, and we are the losers. Following in his revered footprints, I desire to bring to your notice, and to hold up to view of an outraged world a terrible nuisance, a nuisance that — but my pen fails to depict my sensations. Having lately had occasion to purchase some classical books for my eldest son, Junius Brutus, it occurred to Mrs. B., who is of an economical turn of mind, that the intended purchase might be effected at a low figure by attending some of the literary auction marts of Broadway. I do not approve of auctions generally, although my researches among classic lore satisfy me that they savor of high antiquity. By the Komans, sales were effected " sub hasta^'' or in a hasty manner, and the piratical flag of the modern auctioneer looks up to the ancient pennon as its prototype. CANDLES VEESU8 GAS. 305 In England, and among the respectable Conti- nental nations, sales were, and are yet " made by the candle," the company making all the noise, and the auctioneer conducting himself and his business with silent dignity. "With our auc- tioneers the use of the candle, as an agent of sale, is unknown, and I am sorry to say that in its place a vast quantity of gas is employed. My business frequently calls me to Hanover Square, where, it affords me pleasure to add, sugars are sold with solemnity, peppers with propriety, groceries with gravity, molasses with- out mirth, and even drugs with dignity and decorum. I had supposed that sales of literature would be conducted in an appropriately grave and edifying manner, but I had reckoned without mine host. Having last evening, in the bosom of my family, partaken of the accustomed infusion of the Chinese balm, I sallied forth, and strolling down Broad- way, fate soon conducted me to one of those rooms where books are supposed to be vended to the highest bidder. The apartment was crowded ; and judge of my surprise, when, in place of the benignant and venerable sage whom my fancy had depicted as the presiding priest in this temple of Minerva, I beheld a young man who seemed to be lustily begging for another shilling, and looked 30G COMPLAINT AGAINST WIT AND HUMOR. as if he might have bearded a lion in his den. He was flonrishing away in such a manner, that an English gentleman remarked to me, "he ex- hibited altogether too many h'airs for an ordinary civilian." Instead of showing a proper indignation at such conduct, the audience appeared to be quite amused at it, and when the salesman did or said anything more preposterous than usual, they even went so far as to applaud him. I was at first surprised, then astonished, then amazed, then petrified, and taking out my pencil, made notes as he went on with his auction. It was something very Uke this. I inclose in paren- theses the occasional responses of the company : " How much am I ofiered for this very superior eight-quire ledger, for all the world like Austria ! {How's that^ John f) Why, it's got Russia to back it, and now is completely cornered by it. Fifty cents a quire, and down it goes to Owen Phalen — don't know about selling to a man who's always owin' and failin'. Here, gentlemen, is an excel- lent backgammon-board, with checkers and all on the square. ( Warrant it perfect ?) Why, it's as perfect as that copy of Milton, there's a pair 'o- dice lost. What next. Oh ! ' Baron Munchausen' and ' Charles Lamb.' {DonH sell them together.) Why not, pray; are not Lamb's the essays of A WONDEEFUL WOMAN. 307 E-lia ? Twenty-five cents a volume, to Mr. Cash. {Look here^ Mister ! Where's the outside of this coj>y of Lamb f) Don't know. Some one's fleeced it ; it's gone, but you can re-cover it you know. " Three E-ras of Woman's Life,' how much for 'em. Wonderful woman, only three errors, twenty-five cents 'seven and a 'half, thirty, going at thirty ; only ten cents a piece ; not very x-pence-ive errors after all. " Hallam's Middle Ages,' intended for gentlemen in the prime of life. One dollar fifty, Mr. Griskin. 'Adams's Arithmetic,' an excellent book: contains both truth and poetry. {What jpoetryf Td like to know f) Why the ' Rule* of Three in-verse,' to be sure ; one shilling to Mr. Stubbins. Here is a valuable copy of the Court Guide ; how much for 'that ? ( What is it 1) A free translation of Ovid, I believe ; fifty cents, seventy-five, one dollar, to Mr. Tupman. *Mair's Syntax,' a very amusing book, indeed. ( What's it all about^ Jock f) The fines imposed in Mr. Kingsland's court, I suppose. {Oh^ then^ give me yourself^ 'Jock^ av L knowed what wa/rd ye belonged to Td vote for ye for aldhermin.) I don't belong to any ward, now ; but when I was a boy I belonged to them all. (How's that f) Why, I was one of the Master Keys." Having drawn near the end of his catalogue, 308 COMPLAmT AGAINST WIT AND IIUMOK. the auctioneer abandoned it, and commenced selling books indiscriminately and with absolute fury. I rushed up to the stand, but being some- what confused, did not know exactly what books he was selling. I purchased a lot, however, containing as I supposed, a copy of " Hannah More," Chapone's Letters," and " the Life of Franklin," which I intended as a gift for Mrs. B., my daughter, and my son. When I returned home my family flocked around me as eager to examine my pur- chases as were the Vicar's people to get a peep at the bargains of Moses. With a countenance beaming with happiness and the consciousness of making appropriate presents at small cost, I handed the books around. "La, Pa!" exclaimed Miss Boggs. "What a queer book ; oh, ain't it fun, though ?" By this time Mrs. B. had put on her spectacles and opened her book. Judge of my surprise, to see her jump up and throw the book in the fire, to feel a sound box upon my ears, and to hear her exclaim in a particularly sharp key — " B. ! you have been drinking, you brute ; how dare you bring me home Tom Paine's Works?" " Lucretia Virginia and Junius Brutus, what have you got there that amuses you so much ?" SAD MISTAKE. 309 My daughter's book proved to be a very im- proper odd volume written by a Mr. Kabelais, and my son's Life of the philosopher, a copy of Jack Sheppard. So much for attending auctions and not know- ing what you buy. And now, gentleman, I ask you, is not this nuisance to be abated ? Yours, with distinguished consideration, MAKcrs Maeitjs Bogos. CHAPTEK IX. ASTEONOMY WITH TERRESTRIAL APPLICATIONS. Astronomy is derived from ast/t^a^ and no-mos^ signifying the science of having no muss (demo- cratic, for disturbance) among the stars. The captains of police are terrestrial astro- nomers. Physical Astronomy commences with the in- troduction of mercury into the system. There are four classes of stars. Fixed stars ; periodical stars ; telescopic sta/rs ; and unformed stars. Fixed Stars are those, who, although ranking A 1 in their profession, yet remain fixed in one position ; as Burton and Wallack. Periodic Stars, are those that revolve at re- gular intervals ; as Forest, Miss Davenport, and the Pavels. Fixed stars sometimes become pe- riodic ; as Harry Placide. Telescopic Stars, are those gazed at through lorgnettes, as Grisi and Mario. Unformed Stars are aspiring prodigies, anx- 311 iously awaiting to astonish the natives ; as Miss B — 5 and juvenile ones, as little Patti. The Sun has two real, and two apparent mo- tions. The Kew York Son has two real motions, when he goes down town to business, and when he returns to supper ; and several apparent ones when he pretends to be at work, but is doing any- thing else. A parent motion some times signifies the father being after him with a sharp stick, and a real motion, when he applies it. You will find Mars among the heavenly bodies but no ^^V Saturn is the champion, he wears the belt, and has always a ring about him. . The moon has great influence upon the earth ; the moonsoons are winds produced by the moon's rising sooner there than elsewhere. When the moon is suspended high in the heavens, it is high tide. The trade winds, are those that are bought and sold by the ISTorwegian witches. None of the stars have their feet covered ex- cept Arcturus, who is always in Bootes. The only oflScial dignitary among them is Al- dermin. The constellations of the Kam, the Bull, the Colt and the Yirgin, are not in the milky way. Rain is occasioned by the water-bearer up- 14 ' 312 ASTRONOMY. setting his pail. In one of these upsets it is sup- ])osed that the Dipper must have fallen out. The Scales have no connection with the Fishes. The only Irish constellations are the Bull and O'rion. The Clock moves so slowly, that all the others go ly it. When the Great Bear is unruly, the Great Dog is set on him, and under similar circumstances, the Little Dog upon the Little Bear. Castor and Pollux, are the twins. When they were born, the father, astounded at the fruitful- ness of his wife, exclaimed, " Oh ! Gimini," — -whence their name. ASTROirOMIOAL TERMS. The terms in astronomy are particularly appli- cable to earthly objects at night. Aberration. — Temporary alienation of the mind. Seeing two candles for one. Altitude. — Getting tolerably high. AMPLrruDE. — Feeling very large in consequence. Anomaly. — Queer and ardent friendships formed pro. tem., under these circumstances. Ascensional Difference. — Increased difficulty of getting up stairs. Culminating. — Getting so high that your friends think things have come to a point with you. PROBLEMS. 313 Centripetal. — A proneness to tumble down. Equinox. — Blow for blow. Emersion. — Crawling out of the gutter. Sensible Horizon. — A social circle. Inclination. — Desire to join a sensible horizon. Immersion. — Falling into a gutter. Mean Motion. — Backing out. OccuLTATioN. — Getting one's eyes bunged up. Refraction. — Hitting back. Revolution. — The apparent rotary motion of the moon. QuART-iLE. — ^The circulating medium for two pints of Kew England, in the temperance states. Sex-til-e. — A Bonnet. Seasons. — Pepper, mustard, olive oil and ca- yenne. Sidereal Year. — ^The year pending General Harrison's election. Superior Pla^nets. — Captains of the watch. Signs. — Eingers and thumbs applied to nasal protuberances. problems. To find the altitude of ajplace. — Get very com- fortable ; go into the principal streets at midnight, shout, yell, sing, and tear down signs. See how far you can go without wakening the watch, and 314 ASTRONOMY. you will have the latitude you can take in the place exactly. To find the longitude of a place. — Hire a cab by the hour to drive through it. Tofijnd the latitude or longitude of a given star, — Bribe him to let you oflP, and you obtain his latitude; if he will not be bribed, measure his length with a shillelah, and you will find the longitude required. CHAPTEE X. A SHORT TREATISE UPON MYTHOLOGY. Jupiter was father of the Gods and quite a number of men. In his infancy he ran great risk of being devoured by hi^paternal progenitor — a man of " saturnine," disposition, and very fond of children in the shell, having derived his tastes from his brother — a tight 'un. In his home afi'airs, Jupiter evinced much mother-wit and a disposition for change. He proved his knowledge of the sex by dropping down in Danse's lap in a shower of gold, thereby teach- ing the sex how to gild over their peccadillos, and mankind the surest key to a woman's heart. He satyrized Antiope and turned himself into a swan, to follow Leda. (In our times men make geese of themselves in following their leaders.) He was probably the first Irishman, as he made a bull in his pursuit of Europa. The only true flame, however, that he ever had, .was Semele, who burnt up in his presence — the first case of spontaneous combustion upon record. 316 MYTHOLOGY. Mercury was messenger of the Gods, and being well provided with wings, was " fly" upon all sorts of mischief; sailing in the upper air he seemed a Hue mass. Ytjlcan was the first forger. His speculations were principally confined to hard currency, bonds, shares, patent thunder, &c. He was the first inventor of the sjpring bed, having caught Mrs. Yulcan and Captain Mars in one. For this feat he received one of Jupiter's " a posteriori," who settled all arrears by kicking him a rear. Falling upon the earth, he landed from his Olympic flight in a limpic condition. Yenus, afterwards Mrs. Yulcan, was born in an oyster-bed, and her clam-orous disposition is thus accounted for. She wore a wonderful zone about her waist, which, by all accounts, must have been a torrid one. Cupid, son of Yenus, handled bows and belles in a shocking manner. Mars, God of War, so called because he mars the face of nature, and the bodies of mankind. B ELLON A, his wife, the inventress of a celebrated kind of sausage. Aurora, the Goddess of the Morning, and quite a roarer in her way. Orpheus, a son of Apollo, who went to hell FIRST ORPHEAN ASYLUM. 317 after Eurydice ; not the first or the last man who has done the same for a woman. The infernal regions seem to have been the first Orphean Asylum. loj daughter of Inachus, changed by Jupiter into a cow, in order to enable her to escape the pursuit of Juno, who was after her with a sharp stick. This, by some, is considered a metaphor, typical of the fact that all men who have to plead guilty to " I owe" are easily " cowed." Cyclades, young ladies, who, being very sea- sick indeed, were changed into islands by 'Neip- tune, out of pure compassion. Hy-polite, Queen of the Amazons, who made Hercules a very handsome present. She obtained her name from her excessive politeness. CHAPTER XI. HINTS ON ORNITHOLOGY. Although birds in general do not suffer from colds in their heads, yet the smaller varieties are liable to hawk, and domestic fowls to spit. Birds have no expresses, nor are they engaged in the transportation business, except buzzards and crows, who are all in the carrion line. Every crow that is a raven should be immedi- ately shut up in the lunatic asylum. Judges who own a rookery have frequent oppor- tunities to hear caws. The throats of birds are small ; hawks, never- theless, often take quite large swallows. Although birds do not preach, the larger species prey continually. The rooster is their chorister, and practices the chromatic scale every morning. Hens and chickens should never be allowed to amuse themselves, as it always results in fowl play. THE PERFECT BIRD. 319 Ko man in the present day would think of send- ing a goose in reply to a note, yet among the Romans, the bird was an anser. Although tame pigeons have nothing of the India rubber kind in their formation, yet they are notoriously gutter-perches. The business hours of birds differ from our own, their notes being mostly given out before 10 A. M. The gallinaceous variety form but a small por- tion of the entire species, yet at night all birds are roosters. No perfection exists among the feathered tribe, and it is only among the human race that we find THE PERFECT BIRD. Birds have invariably a beak or a bill before them, but the Perfect Bird has often a beak with a bill after him. The notes of a Perfect Bird are usually very bad. The Perfect Bird has no wings, yet he is considered " fly" upon all sporting matters. Some birds are said to carry brick-bats under their wings to sharpen their bills, and others, stones in their maws to whet their appetites, but the Per- fect Bird carries a brick in his hat and a stone in his boot. In the language of his class, the Perfect Bird generally turns out to be ^* a bad Qgg-^^ CHAPTEE Xn. ON THE VEGETABLE KINGDOM. The term vegetable — sometimes pronounced wegetable — is probably derived from the peculiar long and pointed form of this description of escu- lents, hence originally called wedge- eatables, then wegetables, and now refined into the present term. Annual flowering plants resemble whales, as they come up to blow. Flowers are very warlike in their disposition, and are always armed with pistils. As with the human family, the lower portion of all plants are radicles. They are migratory in their habits, for wherever they may winter they are sure to leave in the spring ; most of them extremely polite and full of boughs. Like dandies, the coating of many trees is their most valuable portion. Cork trees and boot trees for instance. Grain and seeds are not considered dangerous except when about to shoot. MELON-COLIO EFFECT. 321 Some trees, like watch-dogs, are principally val- uable on account of their bark. A small quantity of bark will make a rope, but it requires a large pile of wood to make a cord. Although there are no vegetable beaux, yet there are many spruce trees. Most trees are respectable, but a variety of lo- cusses are found among them. It is considered proper to ax trees before you fell them. All fruit trees have strong military propensities. When young they are well trained ; they have many kernels, and their shoots are very straight. Grain is treated like infants, when the head be- comes heavy it is cradled, and threshing is resorted to to make it fit for use. Tares are only found among the small grains, which is the reason that they alone require sowing. Too great indulgence in fruit is dangerous, and a free use of melons often produce a melon-colic effect. Old maids are fond of pairs, but cannot endure dates. Lovers like tulips, heartease, and the cy- press. Sailors are attached to bays, and oystermen to beeches. Ordinary looking men and carpenters to plane trees. Reserved and distant persons to the fir. Love-sick maidens, the pine. Crockery 322 THE VEGETABLE KINGDOM. and tea dealers, the china-tree. Mock auctioneers, the gum. Masons, the lime. Chatham street merchants, juniper. Politicians, and young par- sons, the poplar. Misers, the plum. Blacksmiths, the iron tree. Shoemakers, the boot tree. Man- ufacturers, the cotton tree. All burglars, without being botanists, are very fond of a plant. CHAPTEE Xm. SERIOUS THOUGHTS UPON MOTHER GOOSe's MELODIES. " Jack Sprat, could eat nofat. His wife cotild eat no lean, And so betwixt them both, They licked the platter clean.^' A SMALL book may contain great wit, and secluded in a diminutive nutshell often lies snugly ensconced a kernel of true and pure philosophy. Early impressed upon our dawning mind, the above lines yet remain, traced, as it were, with adamantine pen upon the tablets of young mem- ory. And we have thought and pondered over them until each individual word is as some mighty and ponderous tome, telling a history, and em- bodying a moral of its own. John Sprat, Esquire, was evidently a diminutive specimen of the genus homo, a kind of demi- John, and doubtless full of proper spirit. Disdaining the more gross and oleaginous part of animal food, he, like the Turk, must have ignored pork, and been a bitter and implacable 324 enemy to grease. "We like him for his idiosyn- cracy, for his fondness of the lean. We lean that way ourselves. Caustic critic ! censure not the worthy Jack. Should his taste in such matters differ from thine own, spare him, for he was spare. Jack ordered his chops and steaks all lean, and lived and throve upon leanness ; but ere long a change came over the spirit of his dream. He sought a wife to lean upon ; a partner of his toils, his pleasures and his fame. Alas ! poor Jiick, that time you cut it rather fat. " His wife could eat no lean" Here lay the germ of domestic difficulty, and nothing short of the celebrated striped pig of the Milesian — ^one day crammed to repletion, the next upon the utmost verge of starvation — with its par- allel streaks of fat and lean, would have answered their turn. What, in this emergency, did they do ? " Betwixt them both Tliey licked tlie platter clean" In-fat-uated wretch ! miserahle woman ! unhappy home ! desecrated hearth ! unfortunate platter ! pro- bably broken in the scuffle. Alas ! and well-a- day ! that man and wife should come to licks about a platter. THE MORAL. 325 When matrimonial blows commence, look out for continued squalls. The meat was equally unfitted for the taste of either ; Jack disdaining it for its fatness, his lady for its leanness, and therefore throwing the meat upon the table, as 'twas meet they should, both rushed at the platter. Heaven bless the mark, and save the pieces ! Jack and his wife ran for a plate. Reader, if thou art a lean man, take this lesson home to thine own bosom, and think twice ere thou takest unto thy home, heart, and platter, a daughter of Eve with propensities of peculiar pre- ponderance for the pinguid portions of the porcine race. Nor is this cabinet -picture, this " household w^ord," the only gem in the world-renowned and time honored volume before us. A solemn pre- cept, a moral lesson, or delightful allegory, lies skillfully concealed in every pretty line, like the bee in the blossom, the ethereal humming-bird in the gaudy flower of the trumpet-creeper, or a naughty boy in his mama's closet, busily engaged in helping himself. What a practical lesson in economy, and an apt illustration of the force of circumstances, is con- tained in the simple Wordsworthian ballad, " There was an old woman who lived in her shoe." 326 MOTHER goose's MELODIES. Yet, despite its politico-economical merits, we must confess our partiality for the pleasing liisto- riette that commences with '' Hey diddle diddler Some of these lines remind us forcibly of the great Wiggin's happiest efforts. The effect pro- duced by the first dash off, of music and harmony, is exquisite and brilliant. Unlike some young cantatrice, who, after a long squall, accompanied by frightful physiognomical distortions, respect- fully informs the audience that it is imperatively necessary she should dance and sing " fa la la" — unlike her, we say, it leaps at once with measured cadence into the very midst of melody with a glowing and effervescent burst of "Hey diddle diddle.^' The remainder of the line contains a very sin- gular and romantic fact, which we recommend to the serious consideration of all lovers of natural history ; and expressed, too, in that trite, belief- commanding, and simple style, which is one of the distinguishing charms of this exquisite produc- tion ; " The Cat's in the Fiddle." How in the world got she in ? " Not that the thing was rich or rare, But how the D— 1 got it there ?" Perchance tlie cat was a small one, a mere cat-ulla ; A TALL JUMP. 327 perchance it was a cat-astrophe, or in a cat-a-lept- ic lit the cat leapt in. And then again the instrument might have been a base viol, and though it were base and vile to per- petrate a jest upon so serious a subject, yet we must nevertheless assert that it was not a kit. A hit ? ]S"o, no, A cat in a kit would be reversing the order of nature, and if once in, even a cat- aplasm would not draw her out. Poor cat! doubtless orthodox in her opinions, and far from an atheist, yet compulsory circumstances had ren- dered her in-fiddle. " The Cow jumped over the Moon.'^ vDear friends! if it has ever been your lot to witness one of these amiable bovine lactaries wal- lop over a three railed fence, under the false and delusive idea that she is perpetrating a jump, you may perhaps appreciate the immense imaginative power of the author ; and if this statement shall prove untrue, we must say that his sin is as bad as that of Sinbad, who, in the place of spinning yarns spun veritable hawsers. On second thoughts, however, we remember having been early taught that the moon is com- posed of green cheese, so it is evident that cows must have been about. Had the animal's horns become entangled with 328 MOTHER goose's MELODIES. those of the moon, she would have been between the horns of a dilemma indeed, and might have sung with Burns, *' It is the moon — I ken her horn." The poor thing was probably in the milky way when she made her adventurous leap. " 77ie little Dog laughed to see such sport.^ We believe that learned historians have but lit- tle question as to the identity of this animal. He was doubtless the property of a certain Mistress Hubbard, who figures quite extensively in the previous pages, and seems from the best authority to have been a dog of very excellent moral char- acter. Unfortunate cow ! your misfortune furnished food for his mirth, and so graphically is the scene described, that we saw him as plain as might be, when we read it. And methinks I see him now. "With his wreath of sunny smiles, and his little pert bow wow." Such sport? Yes, sport to you, unfeeling dog, but perhaps death to her. Yet there he sits upon his latter end, wiggling and waggling his caudal terminus, his head up- lifted, his bright sparkling eyes flashing with fun and mischief; star-gazing at the miserable cow, 8TJSPENDED ANIMATION. 329 who frowns doggedly upon him. Now, a few short sharp yips, and off he starts like mad, scours round a circle, then, like John Yan Buren, squats down again slap upon his " old hunkers," and repeats his star-gazing. Mrs. Hubbard's dog ! we would fain inquire of you, in a charitable spirit, where you expect to go to ? Look seriously upon that poor creature, sus- pended like Mahomet's coffin between heaven and earth — moon-struck, it may be, if she has hit her head — and tell us, do you not feel ashamed ? Of the concluding line of this fine old ballad there are two versions, but for many reasons we prefer the following : " And the dish-cloth mped the spoon." We like it for the lovely and helpful spirit evinced by the poor dish-cloth, the very Marchioness and Cinderella of kitchen furniture, who, despite her own miserable condition, heart-wrung, perhaps, by some stalwart wench, yet rushes to the relief of the afflicted spoon, and wipes off her fast-falling tears, occasioned, in all human probability, by the contemplation of that piece of suspended anima- tion — the aforesaid cow stuck on the moon. "A fellow feeling makes us wondrous kind." Kind hearted spoon I friendly dish-cloth ! sad dog ! hapless cow ! CHAPTER XIY. SQTnZZLETORIUS IN PUMPKIN-PIE-DOM A FEAZJMENT AFTER CARLYLE. Squzzletorius — brain revolution-cracked, cere- bral superficies impinging on centre, producing general turn-all-over-tiveness, and topsy-turvj- dom ; scribatious nevertheless, and periphrastic as ever ; not as before however cerous to every new doctrine-impression, but antipodical in these lat- ter days, and shaping course logodromic to moral common-sense meridians — writes from Pumpkin- pie-dom : Embarked at Havre, the ocean now first to his eye beholdable, long before, however, to his spirit- sight visible and spirit-hand-touch palpable, Squiz- zletorius indites stupid German-fire-illuminated sonnet to luciferous- waved night-ocean, short al- though ; writer necessary wontedness to vessel-mo- tion not having properly attained, and heaving down-in-the-middle-and-right-up-again sensation at stomach, requiring immediate petition for usufruct of cascade-receiving vessel. ARRIVES IN PUNKIN-PIE-DOM. 331 Oh Squizzletorius ! catharist as thou deemest thyself, what hadst to do upon mad-surging ocean ? — better have filled thy cockloft study-home witji pipe-smoke-clouds, dreaming with brain beer-mtid- dled, of squat Dutch-liberty-godesses, short-gown clad, ears hoop-ringed, mouth pipe-adorned, saur- kraut and hard round cheese fed. Miserable Squizzletorius ! form attenuated lupus-appetited, reaches at last Punkin-pie-dom. Crowds of republican losels and fustilarians, all provided with eleemosynary punkinpies, faces treacle-lubricated, hang around the docks ; punkin pies, raw pork and treacle provided them ad libi- tum by Ephori of polygarchical Punkin-pie-dom. Bus ! bus ! bus ! acres of busses. Squizzletorius, legs sea-rolling, head sea-pitching and swimming, hears many-voiced shout, " Broadway, right up, sir !" Earthquake imagining, he dashes into bus; driver, left hand punkin-pie-adorned, head punkin- pie-immersed, one from punkin-pie-peeping eye visible, cracks whip, and with lightning-flash-speed flying go the horses. Jerk — ^bus stops — ^young man, no punkin-pie, but punkin-pie colored gloves, jumps in. Crack the whip — off the bus — young man in gloves punkin-pie-colored, appears comfortable, feet upon opposite seat stretched out. 332 SQUIZZLET0KIU8 IN PUMPKm-PIE-DGM. Jerk again— bus stops again — young damsel, dress punkin-pie-colored, small feet and ankle dis- playing in step-ascension, seats herself opposite punkin-pie-color-gloved young man. Young man with punkin-pie-colored-gloves, why so irate? Why gazest upon punkin-pie-color- dressed young damsel with storm-clouded eye? Hast lost thy foot-seat ? Pah ! Again here Squizzletorius, idea- visited, rambles off. " Cold," says Squizzletorius, " increasing to in- tensity approximates and proclivitizes intense heat — e. g.^ boys, hands snow-ball-making-frozen from- ice-to-fire-changes. Rule proved by converse, e. g.^ matrimonial-state-changes." Rambling thus, we leave him. Again, mind to real object awakening, Squizzletorius beholds punkin-pie-color-gloved young man, no longer with eyes hatred-flashing, but with flame-kindling- love glances, gaze upon punkin-pie-color-dressed young damsel. Something white near her feet. Young man espies it. Is it her handkerchief? Shall he do a deed of gallant daring, and recommend himself to the shrine of his new-love-heart- worship ? But here, Squizzletorius to old proverb " look ere you leap" mind- recurring, starts off in pursuit, A DREADFUL MISTAKE. 333 and quits not until twenty pages filled with High- Dutch muddy philosophy. Again upon his subject, Squizzletorius relates — young man with punkin-pie-colored-gloves, with plainly-through-blushes-visible verecundity, stoops down and reverently raises white appearance at bottom of bus. Punkin-pie-color- dressed young damsel shrieks out, saw-filing voice — " What in thunder are you doing with my under-garment ! ! ! CHAPTER XY. QUATTLEBUM. [Let the North bewaie, General Gideon Pillow threatens to turn out and thrash the Yankees before breakfeist. Where is General Quattlebum l—Tuck- ahoe Clarion.] Heaven protect us. Heaven defend us, "War declaring, here they come. Breathing vengeance 'gainst the Union, Pillow and great Quattlebum. Pillow he will teach the Yankees, Teach the Yankees — how to run ; His brave volunteers commanding, Clear the road for Quattlebum. Wet with blood — or currant jeUy, Drips the " sword of Gideon ;" Hot from Aztec fields of glory, Pillow joins great Quattlebum. Haste ye, haste ye, Abby Kelly ! Abby Kelly ! quickly come, Don the breeches, hoist that banner. Banner, 'gainst great Quattlebum. Your Lieutenant is some punkins, Your Lieutenant 's pimkins some, Known in story as " Black Douglass,** Douglass 'gainst great Quattlebum. DREADFUL CONFLICT. 335 Band ? There's Judson, John and Asa, And you have a Garrison, Garrison, to man a fortress, Fortress, 'gainst great Quattlebum. Captain Swishelm, blow the trumpet, Lewis tap on the base drum\ Lots of woolly headed brethren Marshal 'gainst great Quattlebum, W7ien they meet, shall flow in rivers, Blood, and old New Englaud rum, General Kelly, Major Douglass, Swishelm, Pillow, Quattlebum. Christy's bands shall sing the story, If with fear not stricken dumb, How they sleep on fields of glory, Kelly, Pillow, Quattlebum. THE END. J. S. REDFIELD, IJO AND 112 xNASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. HAS JUST PUBLISHED: EPISODES OF INSECT LIFE. By AcHETA DoMESTicA. In Three Series : I. Insects of Spring.— n. Insects of Summer. — III. Insects of Autumn. 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Author of " Sicily, a Pilgrimage,'* ♦' The Optimist," &c. ]2mo., Cloth. 75 Cents. " Commend us to this, for the pleasantest book on England we ever read, always ex- cepting Macaulay's histovy."—SpringJield Evening Post. "His sketches are complete pictuns of the history and life of English literature ; con- densed yet full, chaste yet glowing with beauty." — N. Y. Independent. " This is really a delightful book. The author is well known as an original and vigor- ous writer and keen observer." — Christian Freeman. " A lively, racy volume of travels, in which the author gives us his impressions of tho castles, books, artists, authors, and other et cetera which came in his way." — Zion'» Herald. " Mr. Tuckerman is one of the purest and most elegant writers that adorn American literature," — Knickerbocker, Albany. **, VASCONSELQS. A Romance of the New World. By Frank Cooper. 12mo Cloth. $1 25. " The scenes are laid in Spain and the New World, and the skill with which the pomp and circumstance of chivalry are presented, make Vasconselos one of the most iiitei^ esting works of American fiction." — N. Y. Evening Post. •' It is well written, full of spirit, interesting historical facts, beautiful local descrip- tions, and well-sustained cha»aciers. Cuban associations abound in it, and there is a fin« southern glow over the whole." — Boston Transcript. "■ It is freely written, full of spaikle and freshness, and must interest any one whose appreciation is at all vigorous." Buffalo Express. ••The story is an interesting one, while the style is most refreshingly good for these iays of easy writing." — Arthur's Home Gazette. *' This is an American romance, and to such as arc fond of this order of literature ii Will be found intensely interesting."— flart/ord Christian Secretary. REDFIELD'S new and POPUiiR PUBLICATlO«» CLOVERNOOK; Or, Recollections of our Neighborhood in the West. By At.scr. Caret. Illustrated by Darley. One vol., 12mo., price $1.00. (Fourth edition.) " In this volume there is a freshness which perpetually charms the reader. Yoti se^ra Id be made free of western homes at once."— OW Colony Memorial. " They bear the true stamp of genius— simple, natural, tinithful— and evince a kf«n t\m&e of the humor and pathos, of the comedy and tragedy, of life in the country."— J a WhiUier. ^ DREAM-LAND BY DAY-LIGHT: A Panorama of Romance. By Caroline Chesebho'. Illustrated by Darlet. One vol., 12mo., price $1.25. (Second edition.) " These simple and beautiful stories are all highly endued with an exquisite percep- tion of natural beauty, with which is combined an appreciative sense of its relation to the highest moral emotions."— Albany State Register. " Gladly do we ereet this floweret in the field of our literature, for it is fragrant with sweet and bright with hues that mark it to be of Heaven's own planting." — Courier and Enquirer. " There is a depth of sentiment and feeling not ordinarily met with, and some of the noblest faculties and aftections of man's nature are depicted and illustrated by the ekU- ful pen of the authoress." — Churchman. T LAYS OF THE SCOTTISH CAVALIERS. By William E. Attoun, Professor of Literature and Belle«i-Let tres in the Universitj'- of Edinburgh and Editor of Blackwood's Magazine. One vol., 12mo. cloth, price $1.00. " Since Lockhart and Macaulay's ballads, we have had no metrical work to be com- pared in spirit, vigor, and rhythm with this. These ballads itnbcdy and embalm the chief historical incidents of Scottish history — literally in 'thoughts that breathe and words that bum.' They are full of lyric energy, graphic description, and genuine feel oig." — Home Journal. " The fine ballad of * Montrose' in this collection is alone worth the price of the book.' Sostm Transcript. arly are its principles developed in the beautiful letter-press, and so ex- quisitely are they illustrated by the engravings, that the pupil's way is opened most in- vitingly to a thorough knowledge of botla the elements and application." — Home Journal. "The engravings are superb, and the typography unsurpassed by any book with which we are acquainted. It is an honor to tlie author and publisher, and a credit to our common country." — Sdendjic American. "This work is so distinct and progressive in its instructions that we or>n not well see how it could fail to impart a full and complete knowledge of the art. Nothing can via with it in raedianical and artistic execution." — Knickerbocker Magazine. nCDFIF.LD'S NEW AND POPULAR PUBLICATIONS. .SIMMS' RE VO L UTIONA R Y TALES, UNIFORM SERIES. New and entirely Revised Edition of William Gilmore Simms' Romances of the Revo ution, with Illustrations by Darlet, Each complete in one vol., 12mo, cloth ; price $1.25. ^. THE PARTISAN. in. KATHAEINE WALTON. (In presi) II. MELLICHAMPE. IV. THE SCOUT. (In press.) V. "WOODCRAFT. (In press.) "The field of Revolutionary Romance was a rich one, and Mr. Siinms has worked it admirably." — Louisville Journal. , " But few novelists of the age evince more power in the conception of a Ptory, more artistic skill in its manngeinent, or more naturalness in tiie final detiouement than Mr Simms." — Mobile Daily Advertiser. " Not only par excellence the literary man of the South, but next to no romance writer in America." — Albany Knickerbocker. "Simms is a popular writer, and his romances are highly creditable to American literature." — Boston Olive Branch. "These books are replete with daring and thrilling adventures, principally drawn from history." — Boston Chrlitian Freeman. "We take pleasure in noticing another of the series which Redfield is presenting to the country of the brilliant productions of one of the very ablest of our American authors — of one indned who, in his peculiar sjiliere, is inimitable. This volume is a c(mtinuation of 'Tlie Partisan.' "—Philadelphia American Courier. ALSO UNIFORM WITH THE ABOVE THE YEMASSEE, A Romance ^f South Carolina. By Wm. Gilmore Simms. New and entirely Revised Edition, with Illustrations by Darley. 12mo, cloth; i)rice $1.25. 'In interest, it is second to but few romances in the language; in power, it holds 3 high rank ; in healthfulness of style, it furnishes an example worthy of emulation."— Cheene County Whig. *i SIMMS' POETICAL WORKS. Poems: Descriptive, Dramatic, Legendary, and Contemplative. By Wm. Gilmore Simms. With a portrait on steel. 2 vols., 12mo, cloth; price $2.50. Contents : Norman Maurice ; a Tragedy.— Atalantis ; a Tale of the Sea.— Tales and Traditions of the South.— The City of the Silent— Southexn Passages and Pictures.— Historical and Dramatic Sketches.— Scripture Lege-'ls.- Francesca da Rimini, etc. •' We are glad to see the poems of our best Southern author collected in twc hand- some volumes. Here we have embalmed in graphic and melodious verse the scenic wonders and cliarms of the South ; *nd this feature of the work alone gives it a per- manent and special value. None can read ' Southern Passages and Pictures without feeling that therein the poetic aspects, association, and sentiment of Southern lite and Bcenory are vitally enshrined. * Norman Maurice' is a dramatic poem of peculiar scope and unusual interest; and ' Atalantis,' a poem upon which some ot the author s finest powers of thought and expression are richly lavished. None of our poets offer so great a variety of styte or a more original choice of suhjecta."— Boston Traveller. " His versification is fluent and mellifluous, yet not lacking in point of vigor when an enerffetic style is requisite to the subject."— iV. Y. Commercial Advertiser. '♦Mr. Simms ranks among the first poets of our country, and these well-printed volamea contain poetical productions of rare merit." — Washington (D. C.) Star. THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW AN INITIAL FINE OF 25 CENTS WILL BE ASSESSED FOR FAILURE TO RETURN THIS BOOK ON THE DATE DUE. THE PENALTY WILL INCREASE TO 50 CENTS ON THE FOURTH DAY AND TO $1.00 ON THE SEVENTH DAY OVERDUE. bhC 2Hmo FEB 26 1938 •'. Iln!- / !<•„ UECii t 2oJan'58Rrii f?PC D LD JAN 6 woo ^'^'^'p^ftir /' J •■^F ■■■ — ■ / ...--s T-"^ / - ■> / / / / / / ^^^ 922976 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORHIA LIBRARY -^