IC-NRLF B 3 327 525 jOt 2 Valuable Works Published fy View of the State of Europe during the Middle Ages, By Henry Hallam. From the Sixth London Edition. Complete in one volume, 8vo. The Dramatic Works and Poems of William Shak- S5>sare. With Notes, original and selected, and Introductory Re marks to each Play, by Samuel Weller Singer, F.S.A., and a Life of the Poet, by Charles Simmons, D.D. Complete in one volume, 8vo. With numerous Engravings. The Dramatic Works of William Shakspeare, with the Corrections and Illustrations of Dr. Johnson, G. Steevens, and others. Revised by Isaac Reed, Esq. In 6 vols. crown 8vo. With a Portrait and other Engravings. Prideaux s Connexions ; or, the Old and New Tes taments connected, in the History of the Jews and neighbouring Nations ; from the Declension of the Kingdoms of Israel and Ju- dah to the Time of Christ. By Humphrey Prideaux, D.D., Dean of Norwich. New Edition. To which is prefixed the Life of the Author, containing some Letters which he wrote in Defence and Illustration of certain Parts of his Connexions. In 2 vols. 8vo. With Maps and Engravings. Plutarch s Lives. Translated from the original Greek, with Notes, critical and historical, and a Life of Plutarch. By John Langhorne, D.D., and William Langhorne, A.M. A new Edition, carefully revised and corrected. In one volume, 8vo. With Plates. The same Work in 4 elegant 12mo. volumes, large type Addison s Works. New and splendid Edition. In press. The Spectator. New and splendid Edition. In press. The Works of Henry Mackenzie, Esq. Complete in one volume, 12mo. With a Portrait. The complete Works of Edmund Burke. With a Me moir. In 3 vols. 8vo. With a Portrait. Sermons of the Rev. James Saurin, late Pastor of the French Church at the Hague. From the French, by the Rev. Rob ert Robinson, Rev. Henry Hunter, D.D., and Rev. Joseph Shut- cliffe, A.M. A new Edition, with additional Sermons. Revised and corrected by the Rev. Samuel Burder, A.M. With a Likeness of the Author, and a general Index. From the last London Edi tion. With a Preface, by the Rev. J. P. K. Henshaw, D.D. In 2 vols. 8vo. The Works of John Dryden, in Verse and Prose. With a Life, by the Rev. John Mitford. In 2 vols. 8vo. With a Portrait Harpei <$ Broineis. 3 The Works of Hannah More. In 7 vols. 12mo. Il lustrations to each volume. The same Work, in 2 vols. royal 8vo., with Illustrations. Also an Edition in two volumes, royal 8vo. With a Portrait. Memoirs of the Life and Correspondence of Mrs Hannah More. By William Roberts, Esq. With a Portrait. Midwifery Illustrated. By J. P. Maygrier, M.D Translated from the French, with Notes. By A. Sidney Doant A.M., M.D. With 82 Plates. The Study of Medicine. By John Mason Good, M.D F.R.S. Improved from the Author s Manuscripts, and by Refei ence to the latest Advances in Physiology, Pathology, and Pra* tice. By Samuel Cooper, M.D. With Notes, by A. Sidney Doanb A.M., M.D. To which is prefixed, a Sketch of the History of Me icine, from its Origin to the Commencement of the Nineteenth Century. By J. Bostock, M.D., F.R.S. In 2 vols. 8vo. A Treatise on Topographical Anatomy ; or, the Anat omy of the Regions of the Human Body, considered in its Rela tions with Surgery and operative Medicine. With an Atlas of twelve Plates. By Ph. Fred. Bland in, Professor of Anatomy and Operative Medicine, etc. Translated from the French, by A. Sid ney Doane, A.M., M.D. 8vo. With additional Matter and Plates Surgery Illustrated. Compiled from the Works of Culx ler, Hind, Velpeau, and Blasius. By A. Sidney Doane, A.M., M.D. With 52 Plates. A Manual of Descriptive Anatomy. By J. L. Bayle. Translated from the sixth French Edition, by A. Sidney Doane, A.M., M.D. 18mo. Lexicon Medicum ; or, Medical Dictionary. By R. Hooper, M.D. With Additions from American Authors, by Sam uel Akerly, M.D. 8vo. A Dictionary of Practical Surgery. By S. Cooper, M.D. With numerous Notes and Additions, embracing all the principal American Improvements. By D. M. Reese, M.D. 8vo. A Treatise on Epidemic Cholera, as observed in the Duane-street Cholera Hospital, New-York, during its Prevalence there in 1834. By Floyd T. Ferris. 8vo. With Plates. A History of the Church, from the earliest Ages to the Reformation. By the Rev. George Waddington, M.A. 8vo. English Synonymes. With copious Illustrations and Explanations, drawn from the best Writers. By George Cratb, M.A. 8vo. PAULDING S WORKS. SALMAGUNDI ; or, the Whim-whams and Opinions of Launcelot Langstaff, Esq., and others. In 4 volumes, 12mo. LETTERS FROM THE SOUTH. In 2 volumes. 12mo. KONINGSMARKE ; Or, Old Times in the New World. In 2 volumes, 12mo. THE DIVERTING HISTORY OF JOHN BULL AND BROTHER JONATHAN. 12mo. TALES OF THE GOOD WOMAN. In 2 volumes, 12mo. THE DUTCHMAN S FIRESIDE. In 2 volumes, 12mo. WESTWARD HO ! In 2 volumes, 12mo. THE BOOK OF ST. NICHOLAS. 12mo. A LIFE OF WASHINGTON. In 2 volumes, 18mo. SLAVERY IN THE UNITED STATES. 18mo. NEW PILGRIM S PROGRESS. 12mo. THE THREE WISE MEN OF GOTHAM. 12mo. JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 12mo. WINTER NIGHTS ENTERTAINMENTS. In 2 volumes, 12mo. THE MERRY TALES THREE WISE MEN OF GOTHAM. BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE DUTCHMAN S FIRESIDE," WESTWARD HO!" " SALMAGUNDI," &c. Three Wise Men of Gotham Went to sea in a bowl ; If the bowl had been stronger, My tales had been longer." NEW- YORK: HARPER & BROTHERS, 82 CLIFF-STREET, 1839. X Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1835, by HARPER & BROTHERS, in the Clerk s Office of the Southern District of New-York. * Jj fi. r/ INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION. ALTHOUGH most of the celebrated cities of anti quity have been described with such accuracy, and their situations pointed out with so much precision, that there is little difficulty in at least making a tolerable guess at their remains ; yet are there two most remarkable ex ceptions. To this day no one has succeeded in estab lishing beyond question where Babylon once stood, and still less have the most indefatigable inquiries even led to a reasonable conjecture as to the site of the little less renowned city of Gotham. No circumstance can fur nish a higher proof of the superiority of the works of the head over those of the hands, than that the fame of these two great cities should have been preserved in books long after every other certain vestige of their ex istence had perished from the face of the earth. * History, sacred and profane, alone preserves the re membrance of Babylon ; and of Gotham we possess scarcely any other memorial than the immortal lines to be found in the titlepage of this work. And this ex ample furnishes a striking proof of the importance of heroes, poets, and philosophers, in cities and states. How many of these have been utterly forgotten in the lapse of time, merely for want of some great man to rescue them from oblivion ! How many of the most insignificant have, on the contrary, become renowned solely in consequence of having been the birthplace or A2 M511087 Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1835, by HARPER & BROTHERS, in the Clerk s Office of the Southern District of New-York. PS INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION. fl. ALTHOUGH most of the celebrated cities of anti quity have been described with such accuracy, and their situations pointed out with so much precision, that there is little difficulty in at least making a tolerable guess at their remains ; yet are there two most remarkable ex ceptions. To this day no one has succeeded in estab lishing beyond question where Babylon once stood, and still less have the most indefatigable inquiries even led to a reasonable conjecture as to the site of the little less renowned city of Gotham. No circumstance can fur nish a higher proof of the superiority of the works of the head over those of the hands, than that the fame of these two great cities should have been preserved in books long after every other certain vestige of their ex istence had perished from the face of the earth. * History, sacred and profane, alone preserves the re membrance of Babylon ; and of Gotham we possess scarcely any other memorial than the immortal lines to be found in the titlepage of this work. And this ex ample furnishes a striking proof of the importance of heroes, poets, and philosophers, in cities and states. How many of these have been utterly forgotten in the lapse of time, merely for want of some great man to rescue them from oblivion ! How many of the most insignificant have, on the contrary, become renowned solely in consequence of having been the birthplace or A2 M5110S7 8 INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION. and forgot whatever other people remembered, speaks of the " Merry Tales of the Mad Men of Gotham," a work in great repute in his time, when the kindest name given to a philosopher was that of a madman, a phrase which often saved him from the stake or the block. This work was long supposed to be extinct, but at length came to light not long since, at Mr. Bindley s sale, and was bought by a young American traveller for a trifle, owing to the deplorable ignorance of two munificent noblemen, who little suspected that it was the only copy in the known world, and for that reason considered it as worth nothing. It is this work which is now presented to the reader, divested of its antique garb, that it may be more exten sively circulated and understood, and restored to its genuine title of the " Merry Tales of the Three Wise Men of Gotham." It was thought inhuman to hoard up the treasure, and keep all this huge bundle of knowledge to ourselves, after the manner of certain great lovers of literature, who think a book is like a mistress, of no value if her beauties are enjoyed by another. But to return to our subject. Though we have adopted the work as genuine, we are by no means inclined to humour the English writers in their claim to this illustrious city. They are wel come to London and Liverpool, and even to Oxford and Cambridge, with all our heart. But as to the renowned city of Gotham, we will not yield a single hair of its head to England or any other country. We are willing to let the matter rest as it is, so that every nation may have an equal claim, but our disinterestedness will go no further. All we will concede is, that Gotham, like some glorious philosophers and benefactors of the human race, is a city belonging to the whole civilized world, the emporium of arts, the head-quarters of philosophy, and the illustrious seat of the perfection of reason. Whether in the New or the Old World is of little conse- INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION. 9 quence, since such is its glory and renown that there is quite enough of it to satisfy half a dozen worlds. Leav ing this part of our inquiry to take care of itself, we will proceed to discuss other equally important matters. It cannot be sufficiently lamented by those who rightly consider the forgetting of any thing a great misfortune, whether it was worth remembering or not, that such a culpable carelessness and indifference prevailed in early times in respect to the little peculiarities and private par ticulars which no doubt distinguished the great men of those days. It is melancholy to think how much we read, and how little we know of the great writers of antiquity. The race of " d d good-natured" biographers, who in the present age so amply fur nish all these interesting particulars, was unknown at that time, at least none of their works have come down to us. It is owing in a great measure to this circumstance, that the great men of antiquity pre serve a sort of prescriptive superiority over the moderns ; not that they were really wiser or more virtuous, or brave, but because there were no prying, curious, indus trious, pains-taking persons, who noted their foibles, set down their folly for wisdom, and made use of the inti macy they had obtained by cringing sycophancy to furnish themselves with materials to shame them with posterity. Thus it is that the ancients tower above the moderns, because of the former we scarcely know any thing but what is great, and the greatness of the latter is over shadowed by littlenesses. Their virtues and vices, their wisdom and folly, their magnanimity and meanness, their strength and their weakness, are so mixed up, and withal so impartially dwelt upon by the faithful biogra pher, that we approach the most illustrious sage with the familiarity of a pert valet, by long service become ac quainted with all the foibles and secrets of his master. We become, as it were, quite relieved from that sense of degrading inferiority inspired by the naked simplicity of A3 10 INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION. ancient virtue, as handed down to us by writers so neglectful of their duty as one-half the time to forget whether their heroes had in reality any vices to bring them down to the level of humanity. Still more is it to be regretted that the noble ambition of collecting those works which derive their peculiar value from having been long since forgotten, did not originate somewhat earlier, and before so many valuable relics, so much invaluable information, had been irretriev ably lost. Follies and weaknesses that might have been dignified by the examples of illustrious men are become degraded by being supposed to appertain ex clusively to the vulgar ; and the mousing gossips of literature cheated of all chance of pulling to pieces the character of an ancient worthy. This blameable neglect in recording the littlenesses and preserving memorials of the vices of great persons can perhaps best be accounted for and excused on the supposition that a great portion of the now illustrious sages of antiquity had not their merits brought to light until long after they were dead, when the only memo rials of their having once existed were their immortal works. Conquerors, heroes, and fashionable bards receive the admiration of their contemporaries, and reap their harvest while living ; but sages and virtuous men must, for the most part, content themselves with being venerated in their ashes, and rewarded in a future world. The difference between the mere vulgar idol of a fashion able mob and the retired votary of wisdom, genius, and virtue is, that the one is remembered while living and forgot when dead, while the other emerges to light and immortality at the moment he ceases to live. It is then that the literary " resurrection-men" for the first time dis cover that he is worth disinterring, and that they set about disturbing his ashes, and raking up, with pious industry, the memory of all those little, frivolous, and impertinent particulars, the knowledge of which answers little other INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION, 11 purpose but that of adding to our contempt for poor human nature. Thus it is that the longer the time which elapses after the death of great men before man kind discover they were really great, the more fortunate for their lasting reputation. They revive with greater lustre, when all the little clouds and shadows which dimmed their glories are passed away, and appear in the imperishable brightness of their own immortal produc tions. Of Homer, Shakspeare, and the few names that occupy the summit of the temple of Fame, how little do we know ; while everybody knows all about the lesser lights, that will twinkle for a little while in the darkness which surrounds them, and then go out for ever. The " Great Unknown" has, we are credibly informed, not less than six industrious " resurrection- men," watching day and night only for the breath to be fairly out of his body, to make an example of him. Nay, so impatient are they for his decease, that it is currently rumoured on this side the water, they have it in serious contemplation to make away with him the first convenient opportunity, in their apprehension that he will cheat them of his biography by unluckily outliving them all. We earnestly advise him not to go out at night, nor wander in solitary places ; or at least, if he will, to wear a coat-of-mail, and take every reasonable precaution. It would be twice unfortunate, to be first made away with, in cold blood, and afterward murdered in a biography. The best way, we think, and we ad vise him to it forthwith, will be to write his own life, after the manner of certain persecuted worthies, who, in order to disappoint the mob of a public spectacle, fairly hang themselves up the night before execution. Be this as it may, it is without doubt owing in a great measure to the fact, that our Three Wise Men were of the class of the immortals who live only in after ages, that their fame has lain thus long, as it were, in abey ance, while so many insignificant persons have been 12 INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION. handed down with honour, not indeed from generation to generation, but from the reviewer to the magazines, and from the magazines to the newspapers. A still greater uncertainty obtains in respect to the precise era in which our sages flourished than exists in relation to the place of their nativity. In the ori ginal black-letter copy, neither the date of the publi cation nor the name of the printer is preserved, so that we are left entirely in the dark as to these inter esting particulars. Neither can any thing decisive be inferred from the nature of the topics discussed, or the events alluded to, in the course of the work, since nothing is more certain than that the opinions as well as the events of the world, like the world itself, are per petually moving in a circle. Revolving years, as they bring about a return of the same seasons, and the same fashions in dress, reproduce at the same time similar errors of the vulgar, and absurdities of the wise. Old errors are pretty sure to return, after having been absent long enough to be forgotten, under a new name, and with a new face. They are like spaniels ; we cannot beat them from us. Thus it is, in like manner, with the theories and inventions which are daily passed upon us for original, but which, for the most part, will be found to be nothing more than the revivals of old and ex ploded fashions, which the world had worn till it was tired, and then thrown by among the lumber of antiquity, for some new rattle, that had its day, and then followed its predecessor, quietly into a temporary oblivion. To argue then that the following work is modern, because it treats of topics fashionable at the present day, is in effect to deny, what is certainly true, that one age is a mere edition of another, with some alterations, but the contents substantially the same. It tickles human vanity to tell us that we are wiser than our fathers ; and it is one of those propositions which is likely to pass without con tradiction, from the circumstance that all those most INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION. 13 interested in denying it are dead and gone. But if the grave could speak, and the churchyards vote upon the question, we living boasters would be in a most pitiful minority. That the knowledge of mankind is not always progressive, and one age inevitably wiser than another, is exemplified most miserably in the history of the world. It is only to cast our eyes towards the coun try of Homer, of Aristotle, and of Socrates, to behold millions of living testimonies to prove that the mind of man, like the crab, moves backwards and forwards with equal facility, and that ages of knowledge seem natu rally succeeded by ages of ignorance. Man cannot do or know every thing at once ; and it is not altogether im probable, that in proportion as a succeeding age adds to the knowledge of a preceding one, it makes way for ifc by displacing something equally important. Men may forget as well as learn ; and, without doubt, many, very many, wise and virtuous habits and practices have been from time to time elbowed out of the world, to make room for outlandish and pestilent novelties. He, there fore, who should take upon him to pronounce this work a production of the present age, merely on the authority of the topics it discusses, would very probably decide that the elderly gentlemen about town are all young, be cause some of them dress like dandies, dance cotillions, and aspire to the possession of youthful belles. Some may suppose that the names of the Three Wise Men might possibly lead to detection. But we feel bound in candour to confess that these are of our own invention. Such is the innate modesty of true wisdom, that not one of this illustrious trio ever took occasion to disclose his name to any living person, so far as we have been able to discover. Certain it is, that if they did, the author or compiler, whose name is equally unknown, has either wilfully or ignorantly omitted it through the whole course of the work, leaving blanks, which we thought proper to fill up to the best of 2 14 INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION. our judgment, as the frequent omissions had an unp!< ant effect on the eye of the reader. The circumstance of their going to sea in a bowl we are rather inclined to consider as allegorical; or perhaps it may be a poetic license. At all events, whether it be so or not, it indicates in the most striking manner the opinion entertained by the poet of their daring intrepidity in thus venturing out upon the most unstable of all elements, in so frail a bark. It shows a contempt of danger, when encountered in search of knowledge, far above that of Belzoni, Parke, Horn- man, or any martyr to Egyptian mummies, incognita African rivers, or north-west passages. A love of know ledge, so elevated above all fear of consequences, places them on a level with that distinguished phrenolo gist of Edinburgh, who is reported to have knocked out his own brains, for the purpose of demonstrating the truth of his favourite science. Having now, as we presume to flatter ourselves, suffi ciently established to the satisfaction of the reader, the three points we set out to prove, to wit, that neither the birthplace, the era, or the names of the Three Wise Men of Gotham can now ever be known, we shall put an end to our inquiry. Before we conclude, however, we will take occasion to state, that the engraving in the titlepage is an exact copy of the frontispiece to the black-letter copy. Should any doubt the existence of the original, we refer them to our publisher for further satisfaction. It may be proper to add that there is neither introduc tion nor preface to the originals of these tales ; no ex planation of the particular circumstances which brought our Three Wise Men together ; nor of the occasion which prompted them to relate their stories to each other. We may reasonably, however, suppose that it was done to while away the tedium of a long voyage ; and that upon some placid summer morning, while the INTRODUCTORY DISSERTATION. 15 wave was calm, the sky serene, the sea-birds skimming over-head, and the dolphins playing beside them, the Man Machine, being politely requested by his compan- ious, began, as will be seen in the following pages. New-Amsterdam, February, 1826. THE MAN MACHINE; OR, THE PUPIL OF "CIRCUMSTANCES." I WAS born, began the first Wise Man of Gotham, in a country that I consider unworthy of my nativity, and for that reason I shall do all in my power to deprive it of the honour, by not mentioning its name. I am, moreover, descended from a family, which must neces sarily be of great antiquity, since, like all old things, it has long since fallen into decay. My father had little or no money, but was blessed with the poor man s wealth, a fruitful wife and great store of children. Of these I am the eldest ; but at the period I shall com mence my story, we were all too young to take care of ourselves, until the fortunate discovery was made by some great philanthropist, that little children, of six or seven years old, could labour a dozen or fourteen hours a day, without stinting their minds, ruining their health, or destroying their morals. This improvement in the great science of PRODUCTIVE LABOUR, delighted my father it was shifting the onus, as the lawyers say, from his own shoulders to that of his children. He forthwith bound us all over to a cotton manufactory, where we stood upon our legs three times as long as a member of Congress, that is to say, fourteen hours a 18 THE MAN MACHINE. day, and among eight of us, managed to earn a guinea a week. The old gentleman, for gentleman he became from the moment he discovered his little flock could maintain him thought he had opened a mine. He left off working, and took to drinking and studying the mysteries of political economy and productive labour. He soon became an adept in this glorious science, and at length arrived at the happy conclusion, that the whole moral, physical, political, and religious organization of society resolved itself into making the most of human labour ; just as we do of that of our horses, oxen, asses, and other beasts of burthen. I was nine years old when I went into bondage, and had previously learned to read and write pretty fluently ; for in my country there are few so poor that they can not obtain these advantages. It was lucky for me, for I never learned any thing afterward but the art of add ing to the amount of productive labour. I continued in this happy asylum of infant innocence till I was thirteen years old. I say happy, according to the glorious science of productive labour. It is true, we had little to eat, but as we had but little time to eat it in, it was of little consequence whether we had plenty to eat or not. The short space allowed us for eating had another great advantage, as the superintendent assured us. By swal lowing without chewing, our food was longer in di gesting, and of course administered more to our nour ishment. He instanced the snakes, who always swal lowed their prey whole and the wisdom of serpents was proverbial. Food and time were precious things, and people ought to make the most of them. It was also a maxim with him that too much liberty, or leisure, was quite as bad as too much food and too much time to eat it in. It made people radicals and unbelievers. Thus he clearly proved that the little we had to eat, and the little time to eat it, were highly beneficial. To enforce this salutary doctrine, there was a system THE MAN MACHINE. 19 of fines, which for a long while made a great hole in our pockets. Our moments were all numbered there was a fine for every moment we exceeded the limited time of meals a fine for every moment we went beyond the specified time allowed for all the ordinary operations of nature a fine for looking out at a window a fine for opening a window, although we might be suffocating in an atmosphere of cotton exhalations, heated like an oven a fine for sneezing, lest we should blow away some of the particles of cotton, and thus diminish the amount of productive labour. There was a fine for nodding over a spinning-jenny, when the poor souls, worn out with the endless monotonous toils of the day, involuntarily sought refuge in a momentary forgetfulness. In short, we were chained and enslaved by a system of petty fines and exactions, which, in addition to the cer tainty of being punished on Saturday night, when we brought home our diminished earnings, soon made us as docile as the galley-slave at his oar. We had neither time to learn, nor inclination to play, for the short inter mission of our labours was passed in dozing. We became stupified in mind, and the functions of our bodies gradually obeyed the impulses of the engine which gave life and motion to the machinery. By the time I had been there three years, I became sensible that my soul had transmigrated into a spinning-jenny, and that I had actually become a piece of machinery. But the happy discovery that even little children of six or seven years old could add to the amount of pro ductive labour, instead of wickedly eating, and being merry at school or at play, was fated to be improved upon, like every thing else in this most improving age. Some persons, of rather morbid sensibility, began to surmise that this mode of calling out the productive labour of little children of six or seven years old was not altogether either humane or politic. It was discov ered in the course of inquiry, that this seclusion from 20 THE MAN MACHINE. air, exercise, instruction, and amusement, together with the total absence of all variety in the routine of their existence, each so essential to the welfare and happi ness of children, was highly pernicious to their health, their morals, and their minds. Though it might add to the great mass of productive labour, it was equally cer tain that it also added to productive vice and ignorance. Various plans were accordingly suggested, from time to time, for combining perpetual confinement and labour, with the necessary freedom, instruction, and amusement ; for arresting the progress of moral and physical degen eracy, without infringing upon the paramount claims of productive labour the grand and only desideratum of the social compact. It was in pursuance of this great object that a cele brated philosopher, or philanthropist, I hardly know which, fortunately conceived a plan by which these de sirable effects might not only be produced, but com bined with an entire new state of society, which would remove all temptation to crime, and consequently all necessity for punishment. Accordingly, he lost no time in establishing in our neighbourhood a manufactory for the spinning of cotton and the perfectibility of man. My father was quite taken with this improvement in the glorious science of productive labour, which he con sidered would be killing two birds with one stone ; and for my part I was quite willing to go just whither he pleased. I had lost all habit of thinking or acting for myself, and being pretty well assured that I could not be much worse off, felt perfectly resigned to go any where else than where I was. I never envied any thing that I recollect, but a little bird that had made its nest within view of the window where I worked, and whose merry notes and wayward liberty sometimes brought the tears into my eyes, without my knowing what was the matter with me. The superintendent caught me at it one day, and fined me for losing time in THE MAN MACHINE. 21 wiping them away with my sleeve. I accordingly joined the new establishment with as little anxiety or anticipation as the blind man changes his prospect. When about five hundred men, women, and little chil dren were got together, our master, the manufacturing philosopher, made us a speech, in which he proceeded to lay down his first principles. I think I remember almost his very words, for they made a great impression at the time, and he often repeated them afterward. My mem ory being the only faculty I ever had occasion to exer cise during the early part of my life, has likewise be come very retentive. " I consider," said he, " the people employed in my establishment as a part of the machinery, the whole of which it is my duty and interest to combine, so that every hand, as well as every spring, lever, and wheel, shall effectually co-operate to produce the greatest pecu niary gain to the proprietors, which is what I under stand by the perfectibility of the Man Machine.* " You are well aware of the advantages of having good substantial machinery, and the necessity of keep ing it clean, well arranged, and in a high state of repair ; and that if it is allowed to get dirty and out of order, it produces unnecessary friction, and consequently will not perform the same quantity of work. If then a want of due care as to the state of your inanimate machines pro duces such mischievous results, what may not be ex pected when the MAN MACHINE is suffered to get out of order by neglect ? " When you shall acquire a right knowledge of these machines their curious mechanism their self-adjusting power when the proper main-spring shall be applied to * There is such a remarkable coincidence between this and the following positions, and those advanced in " A New View of So ciety," lately published by Mr. Owen, that we cannot help suspect ing the author of the latter of having had a peep into the " Wise Men of Gotham," 22 THE MAN MACHINE. their various movements, you will become conscious of their real value, and you will be readily induced to turn your thoughts more frequently from your inanimate to your living machines ; you will discover that the latter may be easily trained and directed to procure A LARGE INCREASE OF PECUNIARY GAIN, while you may also derive from them high and substantial gratification. " Now the main-springs, or first principles, which I would apply to the regulation of these J\Ien Machines, are equally obvious and simple. In the first place, I am fully satisfied that children are merely compounded of corporeal machinery ; and that, as you may equally apply the powers of a steam engine to the manufactory of cotton or the destruction of mankind, so you may with equal ease direct the machinery of man to good or evil purposes. In the one case it is done by regulating the operation of the steam engine by certain rules of science and experience ; in the other by example and education. Unhappily, however, the talents and ingenuity of men have lately been too much turned to the object of im proving inanimate machinery, forgetting, it would seem, that the labour of the Man Machine may, by proper regulation, be so regulated and arranged that one man may be able to do the ivork of twenty. " Not only this, but I will venture to assert, without fear of contradiction, that as you may improve the Man Machine so as to make it doubly operative in adding to the mass of productive labour ; so may you in like man ner give it, at the same time, any character you please, by means which are at the command of all those who influence the affairs of the world, and take a proper advan tage of circumstances. J also assert, that a community may be so trained as to live without idleness, ivithout poverty, without crime, and without punishment, by the mere application of circumstances.* * The author of the " New View of Society" has apparently borrowed these sentiments. ED. THE MAN MACHINE. 23 " I assert, in the second place, that the will of man has no power over his opinions, and therefore it is absurd to make him accountable for errors which origin ate entirely in a defective system of education, over which he has no control whatever at the period in which he receives all his impressions. In fact, my dearly beloved machines, it is susceptible of demonstration, that from the creation of the world to the present time, all men have been erroneously trained, and hence all the inconsistencies and misery of this world.* Hence it arises that generation after generation have been taught crime from their infancy, and when so taught, hunted like beasts of the forest, until they are entangled beyond escape in the toils and nets of the law. All this would have been avoided had CIRCUMSTANCES been altered. The judge would have been at the bar, and the criminal on the bench. " From these undeniable facts it results, that as the human machine cannot be accountable in the eye of reason for opinions originating in an erroneous system of education over which it has no control, so neither can it be legally or morally accountable for its actions so far as they are influenced by those opinions. To punish the Man Machine for these by fine, imprisonment, or death is therefore about as rational and just as to pun ish a spinning-jenny for going wrong, after being con structed on wrong principles. Indeed, nothing can be more absurd or barbarous than the whole system of punishments. Punishment, I will venture to assert, never has nor ever can have any effect to prevent the commission of crime, as is proved by the daily commis sion of crimes, notwithstanding these punishments. " Punishment does not entirely prevent the commis sion of crimes ; therefore it does not prevent them at all ; therefore it is absurd, inexpedient, and cruel. Ex perience therefore has settled the question. But even * See New View of Society." ED. 24 THE MAN MACHINE. if" this were not the case, analogy would be decisive on the subject. It is the opinion of some of the best phi losophers that mankind originally derived all their knowledge and a great portion of their virtues from the example of the beasts of the field ; and certainly this is a much better foundation than the erroneous system of education which has been pursued for the last six thou sand years, and which, by gradually substituting the pre cepts of blockheads for the examples of nature, hath brought ruin upon a thousand generations. Look round then upon all nature, and see what her unsophisticated votaries practise. Is the eagle punished by the rest of his tribe for robbin g the fish-hawk of the prey he has attained by long and laborious watchfulness ? Is the rat or the weasel clapped up in his hole for the better part of his life by a jury of rats or weasels for making inroads upon a cheese, or robbing a hen-roost that did not belong to him ? Is the tiger hung in chains by his self-styled rulers, for tearing a lamb to pieces ? Or is the lordly lion shut out from the light of heaven, and fed on bread and water, because he follows the instinct of nature in hunting down and devouring the weaker ani mals ? No, my dear Men Machines, the wise animals of the forest are too reasonable to punish their fellows for doing what nature, habit, example, and education have made it impossible they should not do. " Extend the analogy through all creation, and you will find man alone arrogating to himself the prerogative of punishing his fellow-creatures for the absurd purpose of preventing crime. And what has been the conse quence ? Beyond doubt, mankind are absolutely al lured into the commission of crimes by the very terror of punishment, in the same manner that birds are inevi tably drawn into the jaws of the serpent from the actual fascination of terror. " Besides this, it is demonstrable, that criminal laws, instead of preventing, create crime, by making that THE MAN MACHINE. 25 criminal which was before innocent. I recollect hear ing an observation made by an innocent man who had been forced into the commission of murder, by the erro neous system of education pursued for the last six thou sand years, which made a great impression upon me, and gave the first hint of my New View of Society.* Alas ! said the unfortunate, or, as the vulgar say, guilty man * alas ! what an unlucky being am I ! If society had not thought proper to punish murder, I might have passed for an innocent man. By following this train of reasoning we shall find that the sole use of criminal law is to create criminals, who are only so because the law capriciously inflicts punishments upon certain acts which would otherwise be perfectly innocent. " The error of these wise lawgivers is in mistaking the real object and end of all laws. They have been pleased to suppose, that laws are intended as restraints upon the extravagant impulses of the PASSIONS, those phantoms which, like all other phantoms, had their origin in the ignorance and bigotry of mankind, and which I have altogether excluded from my New View of So ciety. Now if religion and morality cannot prevent men from committing crimes, what is the use of religion and morality, or what is the use of laws to prop up such a patchwork system ? If one cannot answer the end, all three together cannot do it. If religious and moral im pressions cannot restrain mankind from the commission of crime, then the laws will not do it. If the stings of conscience and the fear of eternal punishment are insuf ficient ; then the fear of temporal punishment must be equally so therefore law and religion are entirely use less in the world, and therefore I have banished them entirely from my New View of Society. In fine, my dear young pupils, be assured that crimes will never cease in this world till all punishments are abolished, * Another singular coincidence ! ED. 3 B 26 THE MAN MACHINE. and mankind taught virtue by means of an inveterate habit ; by certain fixed and inflexible rules, inherent, as it were, in the Man Machine, like the laws of motion which govern the spinning-jenny, and from which it cannot depart, without a dissolution of its parts, equiva lent to the cessation of motion called death in the Man Machine. " Yes, my dear pupils, nothing is wanting to restrain these crying evils, and repair as far as possible the mise ries inflicted on the Man Machine for the last six thou sand years, by an absurd and erroneous system of edu cation, than an habitual, invariable, and inflexible adhe rence to the sublime maxim, that self-love, properly un derstood and uniformly practised, is the basis of all vir tue, as well as happiness, in the social state.* Instead of burthening you with abstract principles of right and wrong, which have no other effect than to confound all distinctions between virtue and vice, I shall merely ad vise you, whenever you have any doubt on the subject, to consult your self-love, that is to say, in other words, inquire what course will best conduce to your own indi vidual happiness, and depend upon it, that will point un erringly to the happiness of society. I will now dismiss you, the elder to the instructive lessons of the steam engine and the spinning-jenny ; the younger to the play-ground, where they will be taught all the duties of self-love at leap-frog and jackstones. Take notice, however, I prohibit you all from playing at push-pin, a game which, by giving rise to mischievous ideas of indi vidual property, may justly be denominated the root of all evil." Unfortunately I was too old to be permitted to learn all my social duties in the play-ground, so I was dis missed to the spinning- jenny for a lesson. Here, as * Here again the author of the " New View" has borrowed from the Wise Men. ED. THE MAN MACHINE. 27 before, I worked so many hours in the day for the bene fit of productive labour, and the honour of the New View of Society, that I had little leisure, and less in clination, to trouble myself with nice distinctions between the social and moral duties. Indeed I considered them as of little consequence to the Man Machine, recollect ing that nothing but self-love, properly regulated, was necessary to the most perfect virtue and happiness. Now I had as much self-love as most people, and as my master had laid it down as the so very excellent a thing, I thought, as a matter of course, the more I had, and the more I indulged it, the better for myself and the world. I soon found, however, there was little or no room for cultivating and indulging this excellent fun damental principle of happiness. I had a natural in clination for good eating, and my self-love was always particularly gratified by playing with children somewhat smaller than myself, over whom I could exercise a rea sonable degree of influence and authority. This pro pensity to ambition was, however, carefully checked during the play hours, when we were superintended by certain worthy old ladies, who taught us that the only ambition compatible with a well-regulated self-love, and the perfectibility of the Man Machine, was that of la bouring most advantageously for our master. As this was a community of which the most perfect equality was to be the basis, it would be highly improper, they said, to attempt any undue exercise of talents or energy. It would be only generating envy, jealousy, and all those passions which had been the bane of society ever since the serpent seduced Eve with the temptation of superior knowledge. As the whole system of our master proceeded upon the assumption that the Man Machine was as much without passions as a steam engine, and that they were generated in him by the abominable mode of education inflicted upon each succeeding race, for the last six B2 28 THE MAN MACHINE. thousand years, he organized the system accordingly. All the children, being of course born without passions or desires, it was his opinion that it was only necessary to tell them to do right, and they would do it, of course. We were accordingly very seriously told, what all chil dren, so far as I know, have been told from the creation of the world, " that we were never to injure our play fellows, but on the contrary to contribute all in our power to make them happy." " This principle," would our master say, with infinite self-complacency " this principle, this simple precept, when properly compre hended, if no COUNTERACTING PRINCIPLES Oppose its influence, will effectually supersede all the errors which have hitherto kept the world in ignorance and misery."* But these " counteracting principles" as our master called them, and which I suspect were nothing more than those passions which are supposed by some ignorant people to be implanted in human nature, were always getting between his legs, as it were, and tripping up his theory. Emulation was continually peeping forth, in one wicked little rogue outrunning another, and thus mortifying his feelings. In wrestling, the stronger ma chine was very apt to impose upon the weaker, by throwing it down with as little ceremony as possible. At leap-frog, a mischievous urchin would sometimes designedly bump a little fellow down on his nose, by not leaping high enough. In short, these " coun teracting principles" were so troublesome and incon venient, that my master more than once wished them fairly at the d 1, they stood so in the way of the perfectibility of the Man Machine. My master was indeed sometimes highly provoked at these " counteracting principles," thus eternally thrust ing their noses into his plan of perfectibility. It puz zled him confoundedly to find where his theory was out * See " New View of Society" for similar doctrines. ED. THE MAN MACHINE. 20 at the elbows. At last he discovered that his children were not young enough to give his system a fair chance. It was his opinion that children received those impres sions which give a decided direction to their future char acter, almost the moment they are born. Nay, he went still further, and maintained, with great appearance of reason, that they took special notice of every thing that happened at the time, he himself recollecting per fectly well being very much alarmed when the nurse first took him in her arms, lest she should let him fall on the floor. Accordingly he determined to go to the fountain-head, by introducing into the establishment the institution of matrimony, and having the children begotten to his hands. " I shall take them ab ouo," said he, a phrase of which I have since learned the meaning, although at that time I did not exactly comprehend it. The first born of this new and perfect race in perspective was a little boy, who, from the moment of his birth, was allowed to hear nothing but the repetition of the great precept, not to harm his play-fellows, but to do all in his power to make them happy. At three years old he was launched into the play-ground, and made his debut by biting the finger of one of the matrons who presided over our sports, and who attempted forcibly to keep him from indulging the instinct of the Man Machine for dabbling in a mud-puddle. Our master cast about for the "counteracting principle" that had produced this enormity, that he might give it a sound drubbing, and to his great satisfaction discovered it in a habit which the mother had a long time indulged, of biting her nails. This practice was strictly forbidden ; but, as one of the fundamental principles of my master was, that no pun ishments were necessary to keep the Man Machine in order any more than the steam engine, nobody minded the prohibition, and the women bit their nails, as usual, when vexed or perplexed. Notwithstanding the all- 30 THE MAN MACHINE* powerful precept which lies at the root of the perfect ibility of the Man Machine, and which was not spared upon the little biting boy, there was some "counteracting principle" which certainly baffled detection, or at least opposition. By the time he was twelve years old the machine became so completely out of order that my master turned him out of the establishment, as a dis grace to his theory. Still the plan of inculcating perfection into the Man Machine, by play, would certainly have answered the end completely, had it not been for two " counteracting principles." The first was those same inconvenient products of that erroneous system of education pursued for the last six thousand years, which my master called circumstances, and which, coming perpetually in conflicl with his first principles, for a long time pretty generally got the better, and routed them completely. To sub due these entirely, or to direct them uniformly to the furtherance of that self-love which is the source of all virtue and happiness, was found rather of the nature of an impossibility. The second "counteracting princi ple" was, that the little pupils of the play-ground, by having their plays always prescribed to them, and by being eternally under the eyes of the superintending matrons, who were perpetually telling them not to do this, and to refrain from that who were in fact always standing over them, repressing their, gambols, directing their sports, and restraining entirely the free will of the Man Machine, became at last entirely indifferent, or rather frequently declined going out to play. When they did, they preferred sitting quietly still, rather than be perpetually restrained, lectured, advised, and dosed with the eternal repetition of the grand precept. The consequence was, there was no room for the practical exemplification of the virtues of the system, at play. For my part, although I was principally confined to the spinning-jenny for instruction, I freely confess that, THE MAN MACHINE. 31 such was the weariness of mind and lassitude of body produced by this mode of eternal supervision over our hours of relaxation, that it became a task at last from which I was glad to escape, by sleeping away my play- hours. But notwithstanding all these discouragements, the practicability of the system ere long began to be fully exemplified. There was one little machine that was at last brought, if not quite, very nearly to perfec tion. Owing to the absence of those " counteracting principles" which played the deuse with most of the pupils, this little machine at last became so completely regulated, that my master pronounced it almost as per fect as the machinery of a cotton-mill. If he had a task to do, he was sure to do it exactly, and no more. If he was told to go to a certain place, he could no more be brought to go a step farther than a horse in a mill, or a turnspit at the jack. He never discovered any disposition to excel his companions in their sports or their exercises never did any thing but what he wau told never committed an offence never resented an affront but always appealed to the golden rule. In short, he seemed happily free from the operation of those mischievous " counteracting principles" erroneously called the passions. If my master could only have made us all exactly like him, we should have repre sented the millennium. But unfortunately there were as yet too many " counteracting principles" among us to admit of universal " HARMONY," and the perfect Man Machine fared but indifferently. He was a sort of butt, and instead of righting his own wrongs, always carried his complaints to the matrons. This got him the name of tell-tale, and the ill-will of his fellows. My master considered him as a living evidence of the triumph of his system, and at length, when he grew up, made him one of his " committee of management" or supreme junta. In the course of his performance of the duties of this new station, he one day had occasion to walk to 3S THE MAN MACHINE. a neighbouring town, on his way to which he met a wagon, and not having my master, or one of the ma trons, to tell him what to do, suffered it to walk right over him, while he was considering the matter. He was the first perfect Man Machine I ever saw, and my master ever afterward held him up as an example. I had now reached the age of eighteen ; but I must confess that my machinery was not a little out of order. The perpetual routine of the same employments the want of those excitements, or rather a field where the excitements of emulation, ambition, desire of riches and distinction might bestir themselves, became at first irk some, then stupifying. My faculties sank into a be numbing apathy for want of exercise and my personal activity expired under the drudgery of the same daily task, neither more nor less, that I had to perform as my contribution to the state of perfectibility. Still I was fully persuaded that the system was practicable, and that its operation would certainly produce the perfection of the Man Machine, were it not for the unlucky force of those " counteracting principles" which beset it on every side. Nothing, I was convinced, but those vile passions which are not natural, but absolutely forced upon us by a pre posterous system of education for six thousand years past, could possibly prevent its ultimate and final con summation in the perfection of the Man Machine. But unfortunately these impertinent and troublesome passions are always nestling about one s heart, and play ing the most intolerable pranks with our machinery. In process of time there grew up some young girls in our establishment, and I was moved with a desire to marry. There was, it is true, the most perfect equality reigning among us, together with a perfect community of inter ests. But it unluckily happened, that owing to some " counteracting principle" or other, the machinery of some of these damsels was better constructed, more highly finished, and somewhat more sightly than that of THE MAN MACHINE. 33 others. There was one especially who was so superior to the rest that she played the mischief with my mas ter s system of equality. All the young fellows were anxious to marry her ; and as there was no community of goods allowed here, my master s old enemies, the " counteracting principles," began to bestir themselves with great activity. In vain he represented to us that it was only the mischievous influence of these vil lains that made us think one woman better than an other that it was their equally villanous coadjutors, the five senses, and the rest of the gang of countervail ing circumstances, that assisted in leading us to the preposterous conclusion, that it was necessary to our happiness we should marry this pretty girl. All would not do we quarrelled about it fought about it and the machinery of the whole establishment was at times thrown into great confusion. My master s indefatigable enemies, the " counteract ing principles," were in fact continually at work, throw ing stumbling-blocks in the way of our perfectibility, and going about like roaring lions among us. It was enough to provoke a saint to see how they succeeded for a time in thwarting the success of my master s plans for the harmony of the universe. The great difficulty was to produce that perfect state of equality which would preclude all possibility of one machine envying another. Now it happened unfortunately that this perfect equality, and this perfect community of goods, which were both so essential to the perfection of the system, proved for a long time very difficult to preserve. The least breath ripples even the stagnant pool, and renders the surface unequal, and the least " circumstance" was sufficient to create jealousies and rivalships among us, until by degrees we quietly sank into a calm acquiescence to the will of the committee of management, and acquired a habit of perfect submission, which is one of the prin cipal ingredients in the pure state of perfectibility, B3 34 THE MAN MACHINE. It was thus in our community. Although their rights and their duties were all equal and all equally shared in the common fund in proportion to their labours ; still, as those who had laboured in the community ten years, had of course twice the stake in the common fund of those who had only laboured five, this single counteract ing circumstance produced a broad and palpable in equality. Accordingly, a lady whose husband had twice the claim on the great fund did not fail to look down on one who had not a claim to half as much. She valued herself on her fortune, just as if it had been in her own possession ; and for aught I could see, the passions en gendered by this species of inequality were precisely those of the world in the degraded state it has been brought to by the " erroneous training"* of the last six thousand years. Nay, I am sorry to say, they seemed far more bitter and malignant from the parties being continually, as it were, under the same roof T and brought together many times a day, every day of their lives. But even if this provoking inequality had not existed, there were other " counteracting principles" which assailed the Man Machine from different quarters, and occasionally put it out of order. It sometimes happened that one member of the com munity, by the regularity of his machine, and by being perhaps less beset by those intolerable rascals the ** counteracting principles," would by a course of con duct as regular as clock-work entitle himself to the spe cial notice and rewards of our master. This approach to perfectibility in the Man Machine, instead of operating as an example and stimulus to others, as it would have done but for the " counteracting principles," produced only disorder. Everybody was jealous of the unfortu nate Man Machine who had approached so much nearer * The author of the " New View" has borrowed this phrase. ED. THE MAN MACHINE. 35 to perfectibility than themselves instead of imitating, they envied him, not his perfectibility, but the particular honours and rewards he acquired. To be sure, it is just so in the world, where the " counteracting princi ples" go about like roaring lions ; but it ought not to have been so in our new state of society ; and that it was so is to me quite unaccountable. I speak from my own experience. My ambition, which I take to be one of the " counteracting principles," at length prompted me to put my machinery in order, and make a dash at perfectibility, that I might obtain the particular notice of master, and perhaps something more substantial. I succeeded, and became the most miserable dog in the community. I had upset the beautiful system of equality upon which the whole estab lishment rested ; I was no longer their equal, and they began to envy, of course to hate me, by the mere force of the " counteracting circumstances." To make my peace with these pragmatical machines, and to restore the equilibrium of the society, 1 was actually obliged to backslide a little, in order to bring myself down to the dead level of perfectibility. Thus I found, to my great mortification, that individual perfectibility was incom patible with the perfectibility of the whole, and that the only way to preserve " HARMONY" was to be no better than other people. The rascally " counteracting principles" received aid and assistance from other sources, besides the inequality of wealth and the different estimation in which different persons were held by the society at large, and especially by our master. Some of the married women had prettier children than others and this was a source of inequal ity. Some were without any children at all, and sorely envied their more happy next-door neighbours, whose pretty little curly-pated machines were playing them selves into perfectibility on the lawn before their doors. On the other hand, some of the men had better, younger, 36 THE MAN MACHINE. or prettier wives than others, who not being specially instructed in such matters, did frequently break the tenth commandment. My master was, in truth, for a long while, the victim of" counteracting circumstances ;" he at one time, as 1 have heard, had serious thoughts of cutting off all the women s noses, to bring them to a level, and so organizing his men and women machines by the mere force of education, as that they should conform to the law of nature which ordains, that every bird shall lay only so many eggs within a certain period. He had no doubt of bringing this about if he could only begin ab oro, and dodge his old enemies the " counteracting cir cumstances." But he was for some time deterred from this plan by the astounding objection, that though he might regulate the number of children, it would be difficult, if not im possible, to regulate their looks, and prevent one from being handsomer than another. He had no doubt that nature produced none of these ridiculous inconsistencies, but that they were the offspring of that diabolical system of education under which mankind had groaned for the last six thousand years. " Some pigs," quoth he, " are, it is true, handsomer than others but then the pig is sophisticated by associating with man, and suffering under the influence of the counteracting circumstances. Doubtless all young wild boars are perfectly equal in a state of nature. I will inquire into these matters." His inquiries ended, I imagine, in conviction, for he at tempted some reforms in these matters : which caused so much dissatisfaction among our women, that they came near seceding in a body, and thus putting an end to all prospect of the perfectibility of mankind. My master accordingly gave up the point, satisfied that though he might regulate the Man Machine to some little purpose, the Woman Machine was too much under the influence of the " counteracting principles" ever to become perfect without an entire new organization. THE MAN MACHINE. 37 Scarcely had this danger blown over when a dispute occurred, which again threatened the destruction of our " HARMONY" and the prospective perfectibility of man kind. This affair unfortunately originated in too near an approach to the perfect system of equality contem plated by my master. There were two married women living in opposite sides of the square which formed our village, whose circumstances, situation, husbands, chil dren, characters, and persons were so singularly equal in all respects, that they hated each other mortally, for no other reason that I could ever learn than because their pretensions were so equally balanced that the rest of the community could never agree as to which was entitled to be considered the most happy. What was still more provoking, as there were no reasonable grounds of quar rel between them, and nothing to complain of, they were obliged to take it out in civil speeches. In this state of affairs, one of them luckily discovered that her best room fronted north, while that of her rival looked to the south, and consequently monopolized all her sunshine great part of the year. Here was a manifest hole in the elbows of my master s great system of equality. There was no dividing the sunshine equally among mankind. He might have altered his village so as to make the whole of it front south : but his whole system so completely hung on the shape of his village, that it would have fallen to the ground on the least hint of an alteration. He was horribly puzzled by this counter acting circumstance. In the mean time a northern and southern interest sprang up among us, such as prevails in some countries, and founded upon equally important differences. The lady of the north front had her faction, which held firmly to the principle, that there was a manifest partiality in favour of the lady of the south front ; while the lady of the south front had also her friends, who swore roundly that they could perceive a leaning in favour of her of the 4 33 THE MAN MACHINE. north. Each had her party, whose clamour was exactly loud in proportion to the insignificance of the occasion, the few causes of excitement among us, and the narrow sphere in which they were exercised. In short, there was the deuse to pay among the Men Machines, the Women Machines, the first principles, and the " coun teracting circumstances," which all pulled different ways, so that my master hardly knew which way to turn him self to get rid of these implacable enemies. He was inclined to suspect at one time that it might be possible to shave the chin of equality so close as actually to draw blood from the patient, who, though his beard might be all of equal length, might be himself in a humour to knock him down. But he was not a man to knock under to " counteracting circumstances" nor any such saucy fellows while there was the remotest prospect, to use his own words, " of making one woman to do the work of twenty,"* " of improving man as an in strument of labour,"| " and training him so as to pro duce a large increase of pecuniary gain," " a return not less than fifty per cent.,"J on all the investments and expenditures for the improvement of the Man Machine. But these pestilent villains, the " counteracting cir cumstances," were not so easily managed as might be expected. They had in the long period of six thousand years, in which the Man Machine has been de bauched and corrupted by education, insomuch that it is a thousand miracles that his machinery is not irretrieva bly out of order I say, they had acquired such power, and withal such a thorough knowledge of the Man Ma chine, that as fast as they were driven out of one door they popped in at another. Nay, if the doors were all shut they climbed in at the window, and if there was no window, they managed to squeeze themselves through * See " New View of Society" for similar expressions. ED. t Ibid. t Ibid. THE MAN MACHINE. SO the keyhole. Thus in the case of the two ladies of the northern and southern exposure ; my master had no sooner quieted the two factions by demonstrating that to be out of the sun in summer was equal to being in it in winter, when the "counteracting circumstances," like vile traitors, as they were, changed sides before you could say Jack Robinson, and the Men Machines forth with fell into a great quarrel about which party would have been in the right, provided the case had stood as they originally apprehended. As to the two ladies, they hated each other worse than ever when they found my master had decided there was not atoss up of a copper between them. " Marry come up, my dirty cousin," exclaimed each of the other " I should be very sorry if I was no better than I should be." But I have not come to the worst yet. Not only the wicked " counteracting principles" played pranks with my master, but it sometimes unluckily happened that his own principles would turn upon him, and show their teeth terribly. For example, it was easy to comprehend the simple principle of self-love, which, as I have said, constituted the greatprimum mobile of the Man Machine, according to my master s theory. But to apply it suc cessfully to the attainment of the great end of perfectibi lity was a different affair. When the good man talked to them aboutthe absolute necessity of attending exclusively " to the happiness of self"* as the only means of pro moting the happiness of the community, they were ex tremely apt to comprehend this as not only a permis sion, but an exhortation, to follow the bent of their pas sions and appetites, or, in other words, the " counteract ing principles," without any regard to the happiness of others, taking for granted that would come as a matter of course. My master in vain attempted to set the Man Machine going according to the nice adjustment . * See " New View of Society.," p. 18, for similar doctrines. 40 THE MAN MACHINE. of the self-love and social principles. The one was perpetually getting the better of the other, being a hot headed, self-willed rascal, and withal a great bully ; while the other had hardly a word to say for itself. It was in vain to threaten an appeal to the laws, for as there was to be no crimes in our community, there was no necessity for restraints or punishments. I will give an example here of the terrible blunders some of us made in the application of this grand funda mental principle of my master, whose whole system, I am convinced, was perfect, except that it was not cal culated for the particular kind of Men Machines he had to do with. These have been so bedeviled by the hor rible system of education pursued for the last six thou sand years, that I question whether it will not take at least six thousand years more to put their machinery in perfect order. But to my example. There was among us a wild, sprightly Man Machine, which, owing to being, as it were, under high steam pressure, was continually getting into the claws of the " counteracting principles," and making sad misapplica tions of my master s precepts. It was next to impossi ble to bring his passions and appetites under the domin ion of metaphysics, or to instil into him a proper com prehension of the great abstract truth, that the indul gence of our self-love consists in restraining it. One day my master brought him up before us all, for the purpose of lecturing him for the benefit of the commu nity. " Well, Sandy," quoth my master, mildly, " I am afraid I shall never be able to make a perfect machine of you." " How so, sir ? replied Sandy. " Why, you are continually violating the sublime fun damental principle of self-love." " I don t know how that can be, sir, for I do all I THE MAN MACHINE. 41 . can to gratify it, as you have convinced me it is my duty to do." "Yes, but you did not properly comprehend me. The self-love I mean is the sacrifice of our wishes and desires to those of others it is, in fact, the absence of all self-love." " Why did you not tell us so at first ?" said Sandy, rather sulkily " I am sure I should never have thought that it was possible a thing could be exactly what it is not." " That doubt is owing to the imperfection of our so phisticated nature, which cannot comprehend the sublime truth, that man is a machine, originally constructed with a due regard to the two great moving principles of mat ter, the centripetal and the centrifugal forces. By the first, his passions, appetites, wants, wishes, desires, and gratifications are perpetually urging towards the centre, thus exclusively concentrating in his own individual gratification. By the second, a continued endeavour is made to resist and overpower the first, by forcing or attracting the passions and appetites from this disposi tion towards the centre, or self, and giving them a wider and more beneficial sphere of indulgence. It is in the proper balancing and restraining the centripetal force of the passions, by the interposition of the centrifugal, that these, the gratification of which is the grand object of self-love, become the foundation of all worldly happiness, and constitute the perfect state of the Man Machine." This confounding of matter and spirit, and jumbling together the ideas of mechanical, physical, and moral action, was what always puzzled us, and gave an air of incomprehensibility to my master s theories. The Man Machine Sandy, was at first either convinced or con founded, I hardly know which ; but he soon rallied again, and to say the truth, I sometimes was half- inclined to think his common sense pretty nearly put my master to a dead halt. 42 THE MAN MACHINE. ; " You have exactly hit upon my case, sir, and the very difficulty that prevents me from becoming a perfect ma chine in the shortest time possible. Somehow or other I can t get this same centrifugal force, my master talks of, to do its duty. It is a lazy, lounging, indifferent principle, that is half the time asleep while the other is as busy as a bee, and some way or other manages to get the better nine times in ten. My good wishes, in stead of going abroad now and then, as they should do, are almost always attracted to the centre by that rascally centripetal gentleman you mentioned." * That is because you don t suffer my fundamental principles to operate upon you properly ; and wilfully resist the natural and inevitable result of a perfect sys tem of education, which can be nothing less than a per- icct state of the Man Machine." " Indeed, sir, I don t I try all I can to love myself in the proper manner ; and to be persuaded that perfec tion is as easy as kiss your hand. But somehow or other, I confess I do love Jenny better than Kate and the centripetal principle especially moves my self- love to prefer kissing her to seeing anybody else do it." * Out upon you !" exclaimed my master " this is all owing to the counteracting principles." " What are they, sir 1 I confess I never could fairly understand them." " Why hem why ha he hum" my master appeared a little puzzled here " Why, the counteracting principles are a sort of a kind of stumbling-blocks, which education, habit, and bad systems have thrown in the way of the perfectibility of man. In short, they are what I call circumstances." " I reckon you mean the wants, desires, and passions of us Men Machines," quoth Sandy. " And I reckon you are a great blockhead !" exclaimed my master -" How often have I told you that the Man Machine has naturally neither wants, desires, nor pas- THE MAN MACHINE. 43 SJOHS They are the product of that erroneous training which has produced all the miseries and inconsistencies of this world." * What ! no passions, sir !" " None not an atom more than a piece of calves- foot jelly." " Why, Lord bless you, sir, I always heard say, that if we had no passions, desires, and all that sort of thing, we should be without any motives of action whatever." ** Pooh self-love would keep us going." " But what is this self-love, sir ?" " A bundle of circumstances," quoth my master. * I reckon it s a bundle of passions," quoth Sandy. " And I reckon thou art a confirmed, incorrigible, ir reclaimable blockhead of a Man Machine," cried my master, in a great passion " 1 say, sir, may the d 1 take thee for a sophisticated idiot I affirm that man is born without passions that there are no such scoundrels in the creation that they are nothing but circumstances circumstances, sir counteracting principles coun teracting principles, sir which an erroneous system of education has conjured up to the confusion of all those who labour for the perfectibility of the Man Machine." Hereupon my master seized Sandy by the shoulders, and would have thrust him forth from the community, had he not offered to acknowledge the supremacy of circumstances," to knock under to the " counteract ing principles," and swear there were no such villains as the passions in this world. " After all," quoth Sandy, a little doggedly after all, thank fortune, I am not answerable either for my opinions or my actions." " Not answerable ! I ll make you know to the con trary, sirrah." " No, sir you tell us every day that the will of man has no power over his opinions, and that it is therefore ibsurd to make him accountable for his errors. You 44 THE MAN MACHINE. teach us, that children have no control over their early education, which is conducted uniformly upon mischiev ous principles that they are not only taught to think and reason wrong, but actually to commit those crimes for which they are afterward punished that, therefore, when they grow up, they cannot be justly charged either with the errors of their opinions or the wickedness of their actions.* I thank my stars, therefore, that if I think or act wrong, my teachers are to blame, not I." Here was the mischief to pay again among the " coun teracting principles," which thus turned short upon my master, and bit him shrewdly. His first and great prin ciple, that the errors and inconsistencies of men pro ceeded entirely from an erroneous system of education, and that they were therefore not accountable for them, hero did him the worst office that could be. It con victed him, in the sight of the whole community, of get ting in a passion contrary to fundamental principles, and that the man who professed to teach perfectibility was himself imperfect. He might as well attempt, thought I, to teach music without understanding the gamut. But this was a momentary doubt, which soon yielded to the force of habit, and I still continued to think my master a perfect Man Machine, although the " counteracting principles" were sometimes permitted to assail him, as Satan did Job, merely to try his patience. The Man Machine Sandy continued to exemplify from time to time the influence of the centripetal force, and the mischievous activity of the counteracting princi ples. He was perpetually demonstrating the notion of my master, concerning the diabolical errors of an erro neous system of education. But these errors being, according to his theory, not his fault, but that of his parents, who were both dead, could not be punished * See "New View of Society," p. 83, &c. &c., for similar doctrines. THE MAN THAtnttNE, 45 wifoout a terrible perversion of justice. To compro mise matters as well as he could, my master at length dismissed him into the wide world, where, as I after ward learned, the poor fellow, acting upon the principle of not being accountable for his opinions or actions, appropriated to himself certain bank-notes that did not belong to him, and was hanged in defiance of all the rules of justice, tis well as in utter disregard to the sub lime notion of a community of goods. In the course of my master s experiments upon the Man Machine, there were a great many machines that left the establishment, or were turned away for being too much under the influence of the counteracting prin ciples. They took with them their share of the com mon stock which had accumulated during their induc tion into the mysteries of perfectibility ; but somehow or other there were so many deductions for this, that, and the other matter, that the Men Machines complained loudly at the smallness of their dividend. But there was no help for it ; for my master s system proceeded entirely upon the principle that, as the Men Machines who presided over this perfect establishment must of necessity be entirely and exclusively perfect in them selves, there was no necessity to guard their admin istration of the public fund with that jealous circum spection requisite towards less perfect rulers, in a less perfect system. Upon the whole, however, our community sustained its numbers pretty well. The children that were born, and the recruits that came in from time to time, pre vented any apparent diminution. For my part I had no inclination to leave the establishment. I had at last be come a model, as my master assured me, of a perfect Man Machine. I had neither virtues to exercise, nor counteracting principles to lead me astray. I worked my task as regularly as the spinning-jenny went through hers : I ate like a machine, at a particular time 46 THE MAN MACHINE. I slept by rule, rose by rule, and did every thing by rule. In short, I did every thing like a perfect machine of a man. In process of time our whole community also arrived at a perfectibility that was truly astonishing, considering its apparent impossibility. It might be said that we had neither virtues nor vices, at least there was neither room for the exercise of the one, nor excite ment for the indulgence of the other. There is no doubt that we all became quite perfect. My master valued himself exceedingly at having at last got completely the upper hand of his old enemies, the counteracting circumstances. He had not the least doubt but that his system would, in a little time, be uni versally adopted, and that there would then be no further use for law or gospel in this perfect state of society. But of all the pieces of machinery ever invented, the most wayward, perverse, and inconsistent, beyond all doubt, is the Man Machine. No sooner does it be come perfect, but it begins to decay, grows rickety, and good for nothing. At least so it was with the machinery of our establishment. Our perfectibility at last cen tred exclusively in the performance of our daily duties. These consisted in working at our tasks regularly eating, drinking, sleeping regularly and in fact doing every thing we had to do with a regularity becom ing perfect machines. Every thing was in common ; therefore no one was in want ; and therefore there was no room for the exercise of chanty and benevo lence. The children were all taken care of by the community ; and the aged and sick were nursed and sustained by persons expressly appointed to superintend them the relative duties of parent and child were therefore of little consequence among us, and were sel dom or never called into exercise. In short, as the sys tem of our society was so perfect as not to require the cement of mutual wants, mutual weaknesses, and mu tual dependence, there was no room, nor indeed any THE MAN MACHINE. 47 occasion, for the social virtues, except so far as they are negatively exercised in refraining from actual violence or injury. Again, as the perfection of my master s system, and of his Men Machines, consisted in the total absence of the passions, or rather the annihilation of the counteracting principles, it is obvious that this could only be brought about by the absence of those excitements which stimu late them into rebellion. In removing these, it was requi site, or rather it was unavoidable, that most, if not all, the motives for any extraordinary exertion of talent, or vigor ous exercise of the intellect, should be wanting. Our talents, therefore, as well as our virtues, soon became rusty for want of exercise. Our master and the committee of management* were the only persons to whom the ex ercise of any but the working faculty was at all neces sary. They thought for us, and they acted for us. They made the laws, and they administered them. They took care of our morals, our manners, and our money ; while we, thrice happy machines, had nothing to do but move ourselves about with all the regularity of a spin ning-jenny we worked by rule, ate by rule, slept by rule, and were as merry as so many cabbages growing in regular lines. As the endeavour to excel our com panions in any thing but work would have savoured of a design to overturn the perfect system of equality, all such unseemly ambition was studiously repressed, as one of the mischievous counteracting principles which it was necessary to put down in the most summary manner. As there was no such thing as exclusive prop erty in our community, and even a man s soul could not be called his own, being under the exclusive direction of my master s first principles the passion of avarice, or the desire of accumulation, had certainly less influ ence over us. It is true we did not labour with that * See " New View of Society," Constitution, Laws, &c., for similar provisions. 4S THE MAN MACHINE. spirit and alacrity men do when they are labouring for themietvee, but from a habit acquired by the machine,, which went its regular course day after day. But this my master considered as the highest proof of perfecti bility,, which* properly understood, consisted in doing every thing necessary to the happiness of the commu nity, not from a sense of duty, but from a habit acquired by the Man Machine. " It is much better," would my master say, " to do good from habit than impulse, sen timent, or feeling,, which are such capricious rascals they can never be depended upon." On the whole, there is no doubt but we actually became perfect machines. We believed in all rny master s first principles in the encouragement of crime for the last six thousand years by an erroneous system of education in the non-ac countability of man for his opinions or actions m the wickedness of punishing crimes the division of labour the community of goods the perfect equality, and above all, in the committee of management. If this was not perfection, I believe there is no such thing in this world. But scarcely had my master demonstrated the great truths of the New View of Society, and made his Men Machines quite perfect in their evolutions, when his old enemies, the counteracting principles, rallied again, and became as troublesome as ever. My master in a little time discovered, that though it was quite easy to make the Men Machines perfect, it was not quite so easy to keep them so. As the inanimate machine becomes rickety, out of order, and wears out in time, so does the animated machine called man continually give way to that mischievous counteracting principle called back sliding. Scarcely, therefore, were the great counter acting principles of ambition, love of glory, and desire of knowledge thus totally subdued, than the lesser and more ignoble ones began to cut a figure, like corporals and sergeant-majors in the absence of the commanding THE MAN MACHINE. 49 officers. The counteracting principle of envy, the most grovelling, contemptible, and at the same time the most malignant, began to erect itself, and to do the duty of half a dozen others, in sowing the seeds of dissolution in the perfect system of society. Experience, as I sometimes thought, gradually developed a truth that my master had left out in his catalogue of counteracting circumstances, to wit, that it is utterly impossible to place the Man Machine in any situation where he is out of the reach of the " counteracting principles." On a desert island, said I, mentally, in my moments of disap pointment, where no other human being exists, it actually seems that he will envy his fellow-men the enjoyment of social intercourse, and the birds the wings that en able them to go whither they will, while he is confined to his solitude. Place him in a dungeon, and I dare say he will envy others the enjoyment of air, exercise, and free action. Place him in beggary, and he will very likely envy the dog his bone and place him on a throne, he will envy the poorest peasant his ruddy health and active limbs. Wherever there is inequality of any kind, there, as it would seem, will envy subsist and if it were possible to produce the most perfect equality in physical and mental qualities in every species of pos session in all that Providence can bestow upon man, I could almost swear there would still be the same ne cessity for the ten commandments as the rules of our actions, and of laws to enforce them, that there is at this moment. Yet, for all this, you are not to suppose that I have ever doubted, except in momentary intervals of vexation or disappointment, the possibility of introdu cing a universal state of perfectibility into this world, pro vided it is not destroyed too soon to give my master s first principles a fair chance of operating upon the Men Machines. How long did mankind go on patiently doing the work of steam-engines and spinning-jennies, until an inspired nobleman suggested the idea of the 5 C 50 THE MAN MACHINE. one, and an inspired barber demonstrated the possibility of the other ? Ages elapsed from the first suggestion of the application of the power of steam to mechanical purposes, and the application itself and still other ages before the machine was perfected. Can we then expect that the Man Machine, equally complicated in its mechanical organization, will all at once spring into per fection ? No, my friends ; as the nice skill of the moulder labours whole days to prepare for the perfect casting, so must the nice skill of the reformer labour whole years, not to say centuries, to produce the perfect man. Nothing, I am convinced, is necessary to the perfectibility of the human machine, but the same labour and perseverance which has perfected the steam-engine and cotton machinery, co-operating with the proper ap plication of " circumstances" and the absence of the rascally " counteracting principles." Then, gentle men then there will be no further occasion for laws or religion punishments or rewards potentates or presi dents, the whole universe will be governed by " A COMMITTEE OF MANAGEMENT," of which I expect to be treasurer, and then " Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon." Here the Man Machine jumped up and began to caper about till he came nigh oversetting the bowl, and put ting an end to the perfectibility of man at once. It was some time before he recovered his gravity sufficiently to proceed, as follows : But however this may be, I must confess that besides the little malignant counteracting principle of envy, which is ever the substitute of emulation and ambition, there were certain other " circumstances," as my mas ter called them, such as those unnaturally natural appe tites, or instincts, which, however trifling and contempti ble, like rats and mice on board a ship, often endan- THE MAN MACHINE. 51 gered his whole system. These were perpetually thrusting themselves forward in the disguise of a prefer ence of beauty to deformity of light hair to dark of blue eyes to black of youth to age of fair to brown, and of brown to fair. Sometimes two machines would agree in their preferences, and this agreement at once gave play to a whole train of counteracting circum stances, which caused my master infinite trouble and vexation. At other times two machines would differ about what my master in his New View of Society had expressly stipulated there should be no difference about. For instance, one was a Presbyterian, another an Epis copalian, and another had no religion at all. This was sufficient for argument, which on such subjects gene rally becomes contention, and often abuse. In the great and good-for-nothing old system of society which subsists in the world, where the excitements to the pas sions are divided and subdivided almost to infinity, such disputes are easily forgotten and forgiven, except among those whose interest it is to keep up the antipathy of sects. But in our community, we had so few causes of excitement that one answered the end of the whole, and seemed to concentrate within itself the fury of all the passions. No matter therefore what was the cause, however insignificant, it produced the same effects. The perfect Man Machine who saw his neighbour ma chine receive particular notice or approbation from my master envied as bitterly as the courtier who sees his rival supersede him in the favour of the king. My master lectured away on the sublime principle of self- love, but it all would not do. That incomprehensible scoundrel, human nature, seemed to set his face against him ; and it happened too often that the man of nature, aided by the rascally counteracting circumstances, got the better of the Man Machine and caused him to back slide exceedingly. But my master did not despair, for amid all these dis- C2 52 THE MAN MACHINE. couraging circumstances, the common fund increased, and the committee of management had every year a larger amount of property to manage for the commu nity. But for my part, I began to be discouraged not that the reflections I have just now made occurred to me at that time ; they are the product of succeeding experience in the great world. I firmly believed, and believe still, that the fault of all this was not in my mas ter s system, but in human nature ; that is to say, human nature debased and corrupted by six thousand years of " erroneous training," as my master called it. " Rome was not built in a day," said my master one time " and a system of six thousand years can only be completely routed by a counteracting system of equal duration. 1 shall not live to see it but it will certainly happen ; if my system is pursued six thousand years, it will become completely successful. I will not despair. And who knows, after all, what may happen 1 Who knows but the moral perfectibility may bring about the mechanical perfectibility of the Man Machine. If my system can only prevent, as I have proved it can, for a time, the commission of all sin, then of course there will be no necessity for future rewards and punishments ; and, as a natural consequence, no necessity for a man to die. Who knows but I may live long enough to see the mil lennium ? It is only applying the principle of perpetual motion to the Man Machine." My master was highly delighted with this new light, and went on with fresh hopes and spirits. He was quite sure his Men Machines had been perfect, at least for an hour or two, and though they had afterward got a little out of order, he had fairly established his principle, that they were susceptible of absolute perfectibility. All therefore that was necessary was to make this perfectibil ity everlasting, and this could only be done by operating upon a long succession of generations of Men Machines. So he held faster to his system than ever, and so did I. THE MAN MACHINE. 53 Indeed I had no doubt that each succeeding race of our community, provided they were properly trained, and the counteracting principles could be kept down, would approach nearer and nearer to the perfect state, and reach it permanently at last. Nay, I carried my anticipations so far as to calculate that in the course of three or four centuries at farthest, our surplus fund would increase to such an extent as to enable my master, if he lived so long, to purchase all the land in the kingdom, and thus make perfect Men Machines of all my country men, by actually buying them up as we do other ma chinery. But alas ! one of my master s old and desperate enemies was destined, by that envious Providence which, as it would seem, could not bear to see a vile system which it had permitted to exist for six thousand years routed by his New View of Society, to destroy all my anticipations in the bud. My master had unaccount ably forgotten, that in order to make his system complete, it was necessary that the rulers as well as the people should be equally perfect. A reciprocity of perfection was indispensable. But here my master s system was terribly out at the elbows, and presented a signal exam ple of the extreme difficulty of introducing perfection into this world, or, in other words, of reconciling impos sibilities. It is obvious that the Men Machines, having the management of the surplus fund the buying and selling in fact, everything connected with the pecuniary affairs of the community, must of necessity mix with the world, and become acquainted with the value of money, the arts of bargaining, and other matters indis pensable to a judicious superintendence of our fund. They would therefore be assailed, not only by the bad examples of people educated in that " erroneous sys tem" which has prevailed for six thousand years, but also by all those temptations or " counteracting princi ples" which constitute what are called the seductions of 54 THE MAN MACHINE. the great world. It is hardly possible, therefore, but that their machinery should get more or less out of order, and they themselves backslide from the summit of per fectibility. Thus it happened that the treasurer of our establish ment, who, at the time of his election, was considered the most perfect Man Machine among us, being assailed by the " counteracting principle" called a love of money, and by the other " counteracting principle," the desire of appropriating other people s property to his own use, played us all a saucy trick. He fell from grace his machinery got terribly out of order ; and he backslided into a far country with nearly the whole proceeds of the surplus fund we had been labouring to accumulate for years. The committee of management ran after the treasurer my master ran after the committee, and we were left alone, like so many babes howling in the wil derness. Having been so long in leading-strings, not one of us could walk alone, and it became sufficiently evi dent, that after all, the perfectibility of the system entirely depended, not upon ourselves, but upon a runaway trea surer, a runaway committee, and a runaway reformer. From the mere force of habit our machinery continued to perform its task to eat and sleep, to rise in the morn ing and lie down at night but the rest was all a vacuum a blank a state of absolute perfectibility, produced by a state of stagnation. In process of time my master, who was perfectly innocent of all participation in the fraud of that infamous Man Machine the treasurer, except in so far as he had not sufficiently provided against the influence of the " counteracting circumstances," returned from an un successful pursuit of many hundred miles. We had now the world to begin again. But, to say the truth, perfectibility is such a horrid dull thing, and there was such a want, a total absence of the charm of variety in our lives and occupations, that for some time past a great THE MAN MACHINE. 55 portion of our community had hung loose upon the es tablishment. It was only the cement of the " surplus fund," that kept them together ; and that being gone, they longed like children, for such in fact they were in knowledge of the world, to go forth and see its distant wonders. In one word, they sighed for that freedom of will, that release from eternal restraint, eternal super vision, and eternal monotony, which they were obliged to submit to in order to arrive at perfection. The idea of freedom was so exquisitely grateful, that they forgot their losses, and in a little time, in spite of my mas ter s exhortations and the logic of his New View of So ciety, which he read over to them six times, they flew away like gay birds in all directions, leaving him a disconsolate teacher without any scholars but myself^ and a few of the lame, blind, and incapable of the com munity, who were left behind. The ties of kindred and the feelings of humanity had, in truth, been very much weakened for want of exercise in our establishment, if they were not entirely left out in the march to perfecti bility. What became of the grown-up children, thus putting themselves upon their country, destitute of the habits and experience necessary to self-government, security, nay, existence in the wide world, I know not to a certainty. I have heard that many of them were wrecked upon the unknown coast of the world, and that the remainder during a great part of their lives were indebted for support to that society which they had de serted in pursuit of perfection. My business is not however with them. I am to relate my own story, which will exemplify the situation of human beings, such as it would in all probability be in the event of the ill success of my master s great plan, and the consequent necessity of their again mixing with the world as it is, with the obligation of obeying its laws, conforming to its institutions, and fulfilling its duties. I continued with my master some time after the back- 66 THE MAN MACHINE. sliding of the treasurer, and the dispersion of his flock. Notwithstanding his little eccentricities, I could not help liking him for the trouble he took to make the world perfect. Besides, as the apostate Man Machine of a treasurer could not run away with the village, the land, and the improvements, our establishment was not alto gether ruined, and recruits began to flock in from time to time. It would seem indeed that whatever may be the situation of a man, good, bad, or indifferent, there will always be found some one to occupy it the moment it is vacant. Be this as it may, my master railed more than ever against the " erroneous system" of education pursued for the last six thousand years, and I verily be lieve would actually have hung up the " counteracting principles" in a row could he have fairly got them in his clutches, notwithstanding his opinion of the injustice of all punishments. We used to hold conversations together, and my mas ter, who had great confidence in the perfection of my machinery, frequently consulted me on the subject of either converting these vile counteracting principles to his own notions, or exterminating them entirely. On one of these occasions I thought I would bring him fairly to the point, by asking what he meant exactly by these counteracting principles, which seemed to be always in his way. " To tell you the truth, sir," said I, " although my corporeal Man Machine is perfect, so far as respects its being entirely and exclusively governed, directed, set going, and stopped by the great principle called the force of habit, whereby the mischievous influence of the pas sions is entirely obviated ; yet I fear that I am not equally perfect in my comprehension. I confess, sir, I have never yet been able to understand exactly what you mean by the counteracting principles. I have no doubt they are a set of diabolical rascals, but I should like to have so particular description that I might know THE MAN MACHINE. 57 them half a mile off, and get out of the way when I saw them coming." " What I mean," replied he, after some considerable pause " what I mean by the l counteracting principles, or the force of circumstances, is, all those vices, fol lies, inconsistencies, absurdities, habits, principles, and feelings which an erroneous system of education for the last six thousand years has implanted in the human race, so as to change, as it were, their very natures, making them almost unsusceptible of perfectibility, and, it would seem, incapable of remaining perfect when I have made them so. O ! if I could only get rid of these, what a world I would make of it there would be no use in a better, I promise you." I was just as far off as before, and went on. " May I ask, sir, what you mean by an erroneous system of education ?" " A system which counteracts human nature, sir." " But how, sir ? You have always told us that human nature is nothing but a bit of wax, on which any impres sion may be made if taken while it is soft. It seems to me, though I know I am mistaken, that strictly speaking there can be no such thing as human nature, and there fore that it cannot be counteracted by an erroneous sys tem of education." " Right, sir right human nature is an absurdity, a non-entity a a in short, man is nothing but a ma chine, and his nature, or the first principle of his exist ence, nothing more than the force of an innate an innate an a law of matter like that which causes the wheel to go in a circle, and the runner in a horizontal line." " But it has often puzzled me, sir, why if human nature is a mere machine, with its one inflexible law of action like that of a wheel why you should take so much trouble to make it go better. But after all, sir, I don t see how this explains the counteracting principles." C3 58 THE MAN MACHINE. " Look e, sir," said my master, who was so well satisfied with the truth of his theory that he never would allow anybody to question it without growing rather sore " look e, sir the counteracting principle is that tendency to wrong and mischief which is implanted in the Man Machine by an erroneous system of education ; and the force of circumstances is nothing more than the temptations thrown into his way by this erroneous system." " As how, sir?" " By the counteracting principles, sir." * I believe I am very stupid, sir but really I do not even yet comprehend these principles. What are they?" My master began to redden. " Why, sir if I must take the trouble to answer your impertinent questions, sir, I tell you, that avarice, lust, ambition, envy, malice, and revenge are what I call the counteracting principles." "Oil understand now what we used to call the passions." " The passions ! tis false, sir they are not what we used to call the passions the passions are phantoms they have no existence except in the brain of stupid ity they are the infamous incestuous product of the vile system of education pursued for the last six thou sand years. There is no such thing as passion or I say, there should not, and there would not be such a thing, if it were not for the rascally counteractiog principles you are a blockhead, sir and may go where you please." " It may be but I am a perfect machine for all that nobody shall convince me to the contrary." " You are a perfect ass," said my master, turning his back upon me in great wrath " you are a perfect ass and the machinery of your upper works is not worth a tobacco-stopper. I wonder how I could make a toler able cotton-spinner of you." This attack upon my perfectibility nettled me a good THE MAN MACHINE. 60 deal ; neither was I quite satisfied with my master s de finition of the counteracting principles. I began to hang rather loose upon the establishment ; but am not sure I should have left it, but for a " circumstance" which I consider the most unlucky that ever happened to me in my whole life. It is time to remind you that I had once a father, mo ther, brothers, and sisters. The pursuit of perfectibility, with other important matters, has hitherto prevented my telling you that I lost them all, one after the other* in the course of a few years. My fatherbut I will not expose him he died. My mother did not long sur vive ; and my poor little brothers and sisters dropped one after another into that yawning tomb prepared for their reception by the glorious champions of productive labour. They withered like so many poor ignoble little flowers, shut out from air and sunshine they waxed pale, sickly, and yellow they became stinted in growth, dry, flimsy, inactive and at last incapable. One after another they died away, as it were, of no other disease than that of the spinning-jenny. When I think of them now, the tears come into my eyes, although it was so long ago ; but their fate at the time made but little im pression. I was too busy attending upon the evolutions of the ever-turning wheel, the sole object of my earthly contemplations. From long watching the eternal round of the spinning-jenny, its action became so impressed on the pupil of my eyes, and its buzzing noise upon the drum of my ear, that, present or absent, sleeping or wak ing, my brain retained no other image, and bore no other impress but that. The wheel was perpetually dancing before me ; and as a man, after looking at the bright sun in the firmament for a few moments, sees when he withdraws his eyesathousand orbs dancing before him, so did I a thousand spinning-jennies. It was thus that my natural feelings and nicer perceptions died away for want of exercise, and when I saw myself alone in the world 60 THE MAN MACHINE. by the death of all my family, I tried to be sorry, but could comprehend nothing distinctly but the spinning- jenny. About the time my master insulted me for not prop erly comprehending the counteracting circumstances, and while I felt a little sore on the subject, one of these diabolical villains was let loose upon me before I was aware of it. News was brought me that a person pos sessing a good estate in a distant part of the country had died intestate, and that after minute investigation it was found I was next heir to the whole of his property. I was therefore regularly summoned to take possession. Here was a "counteracting circumstance," as my master called it, enough to make one s hair stand on end, turn his whole New View of Society wrong side outwards, and destroy the perfectibility of man. My views, perceptions, and opinions were for a time changed, as if by magic. When I had nothing I was a great admirer of a community of goods now I was rich, I turned up my nose at the very idea of such an odd ridiculous notion, and argued with my master on the subject with a degree of independence at which he was quite astonished. I offered to bet him a round sum to back my opinions, and this was better than all his first principles put together. My master proposed to make me treasurer, but as there was no common fund but what I might contribute, I resisted the tempting offer of being allowed to take care of my own money, manfully. In an evil hour, 1 determined to give up all the delights of perfectibility to yield to the force of the counteract ing circumstance to follow the bent of the enlarged principle of social self-love, and return to the great world again, to set a good example and reform its abuses. Be fore I went, I resigned my portion of the village, the land, and its improvements to the remnant of the com- niunity that had laboured with me, after which I sallied forth, full of hopes, fears, and anticipations of I knew THE MAN MACHINE. 61 not what. I remember the first thing that alarmed me in my debut was seeing two pigs righting, an atrocity which none of the orderly swine brought up under the New View of Society ever were guilty of while in a per fect state. " They are terribly under the influence of the counteracting principles," said I, to a person who hap pened to be near. " Of what ? said he, turning quick upon me. " Of the counteracting principles," said I. " They are under the influence of passion," said he. " My dear sir, there are no such things as the pas sions they are nothing but circumstances." " Who told you so ?" replied he, eying me with a queer look, half-surprised and half-angry. My master he can prove to you by his precepts, if not by his example, that there are no such things in his New View of Society as passions. They are nothing but circumstances and counteracting principles, as I said before." " Tut," replied he " tis only a new name for an old thing your master, whoever he is, may call black white, or white black, yet that won t alter the colour." " I see you have never read the New View of Society you are suffering all the evils, miseries, and inconsis tencies of that abominable system of education which has prevailed in the world for the last six thousand years. You have been taught crime from your youth, as my master says, and I dare affirm, will one day be unjustly subjected to punishment for those very offences which it was impossible you should not commit." " Abominable system of education ! Taught crime from my youth ! Punished for offences it was impossi ble I should not commit ! What do you mean, sir V 1 cried he, in a passion. I " I mean," said I, with perfect politeness" I mean that it is more than an equal chance that you will one 6 62 THE MAN MACHINE. day be hanged by the mere * force of circumstances as my master says." Upon this the imperfect Man Machine unluckily gave way to the rascally counteracting principles, and came forward with an evident intention to knock me down. " I ll teach you to throw out reflections upon me " " My dear Man Machine I meant no reflection, none in the world if you should happen to be hanged, it will not be your fault it will be the fault of your edu cation, for which you are no more accountable than for your subsequent actions. If anybody deserves to be hanged, it is your father and mother, who brought you up in a profound ignorance of tN * counteracting princi ples, and that delightful self-love, which is the basis of all social happiness." " My good friend," replied he, in a tone of contempt " you are either a fool or a madman I can t tell which." " I am a philosopher." " The difference is not much now-a-days," quoth he and coolly turned away. As I proceeded on my way to take possession of my estate, I every moment discovered that I had got into a new world, where I was a fish out of water. Every thing seemed at sixes and sevens and there was a hor rible freedom of will arid of action lhat kept me in per petual trepidation neither man nor boast seemed to pay the least attention to the sublime precepts of the New View of Society. In our establishment there was a per fect equality except that no person was permitted to have a voice in choosing the committee of management unless he was worth a hundred pounds.* There was also a perfect freedom of action except that the com mittee regulated the employment of every member "con sistently with the public good."f In short, there was a * See " New View of Society," Constitution. f Ibid, for similar regulations. THE MAN MACHINE. 63 regularity a beautiful monotony, like the ticking of a clock, or the evolutions of a spinning-jenny men, wo men, and children pigs, ducks, geese, and chickens hogs, dogs, horses, cows, oxen, sheep, and asses there seemed scarcely any perceptible difference between them the instinct of the one seemed quite equal to the reason of the other and if there was any difference, it was in favour of honest instinct. The committee of management constituted the great moving principle which set the whole machinery of the establishment going they were the steam to the engine. I should do injustice to one of the most perfect machines I ever saw, if I neglected to mention in this place a most sagacious donkey, whose special vocation it was to carry water. He would go to the well and return with his load as regularly as a Man Machine, and that too without a driver. But no reasoning, no violence, no first princi ples could make him go one step beyond the well, or carry a single load after the hour of twelve. He knew as well as any Man Machine when the clock struck twelve, and whenever it was attempted to make him take an other trip to the well, the "counteracting principle" be came invincible. What more could we expect from your boasted rational animals ? But the world into which I had got was a melancholy contrast to this perfect system. Every man seemed to be actually in some measure governed and impelled by his own will, and of course every man took his own way. Every one chose his own occupation, without con sulting or being directed by a committee of management, which, by relieving the community from the labour of thinking for itself, leaves every one at full liberty to do nothing but labour for the joint benefit of others. As with the biped, so with the quadruped machines. Not one of them seemed to know its place as in my master s establishment ; each rambled and fed, apparently where it liked, and so it performed its appropriate task, or an- 64 THE MAN MACHINE. swered its destined end, was allowed every other spe cies of freedom. The worst of it was, that though I could not help pitying and despising all of them in a lump, I was provoked to see them look a hundred times happier and more sprightly than my master s two-legged and four-legged machines. The men whistled, and the women sang at their work the little children laughed and shouted in a most unseemly manner amid their un regulated gambols, where they sometimes fought and squabbled horribly. Their happiness was unaccount able and could only proceed from an utter ignorance of my master s New View of Society. If they could only read that, thought I, they would go near to destroy themselves. The poor creatures little anticipated that probably one-third of them would live to be hanged or otherwise punished, only for committing crimes actually forced upon them by the erroneous system of education inflicted on mankind for the last six thousand years. But the greatest enormity I saw was an ox, who seemed so particularly delighted with the liberty he enjoyed of doing as he pleased for a little while, that he actually cut a caper that would have scandalized all the sober machines of my master s establishment. I could not help drawing a contrast between the gayety I now saw, and the philosophic ennui which at all times displayed itself in our establishment, and which increased with every advance to perfection. These impressions and reflections, however insensi bly, gave place to others, as I gradually approached towards my new home, where I at length arrived with out any material accident. It was a retired spot in a remote county pleasantly situated, and within two miles of a little town. The old servants of the late owner received me with attentive respect, and conducted me to a room, where dinner was served up in handsome style. I asked them if they had dined, and on their replying in the negative invited them to sit down with THE MAN MACHINE. 65 me. They at first thought I was joking but on irrv peremptorily insisting upon it, they sat down with awk ward embarrassment. It was plain to me they never had read the New View of Society and knew nothing of the community of goods the perfect equality the incapacity of the Man Machine to govern his opinions or actions the horrible system of education of the last six thousand years the divine impulse or circumstance of self-love, and the counteracting principles. Here was a fine field for the application of my master s theory. I resolved to lose no time, and as soon as dinner was over began by laying down the first principles of the New View. I taught them that man was a machine, and might be governed like all other pieces of machinery that as men were taught crime by the very education they received, there was no necessity nor even justice in inflicting punishment that from the beginning of the world to the present time, all men had been erroneously trained, and hence all the inconsistencies and misery of mankind that a man s will has no control over his opinions or his actions, so far as they are influenced by those opinions that as all crimes originated in an erro neous education, over which we had no control, we could not be justly accountable for them either in the sight of God or man that self-love was the prime source of all virtue and happiness that man was a machine, having naturally no passions but what are in stilled into him by an abominable system of education that he is capable of perfectibility and that nothing stands in the way of it but the rascally counteracting principles. These doctrines I repeated every day, until my people got them by heart, and could repeat them. Nay, I put them in the form of a catechism, which I taught every Sunday, instead of sending them to church to hear the parson dogmatize. I put in force a number of my master s regulations, and adopted his system in 66 THE MAN MACHINE. I all its material parts, having no doubt that in a reason able time I should produce a great reform in my house hold. And so I should without doubt, but for my mas ter s old enemies, some of whom followed me into my retirement, and were as busy as ever in counteracting our plans for the perfectibility of the Man Machine. My establishment consisted of an old housekeeper, with whom I had more trouble than with all the rest put together. She had long reigned mistress, and master too, of the house for I have been credibly informed that my predecessor, an old bachelor, was more afraid of her than my master was of the counteracting princi ples. Indeed, my experience has long since taught me that it is no way of escaping the tyranny of the sex to remain single. I never yet saw an old bachelor that was not, sooner or later, most awfully henpecked by some bitter old or sweet young housekeeper, nurse, cook, or bed-maker. Mistress Jeannie, as she was called, was one of the very pillars of aristocracy. She could not bear the sight of your " ruff scruff," as she called them, and disliked your poor people inordinately. The pedigrees of all around, far and near, were known to her a thousand times better than at the Herald s Office ; and Lyon king-at-arms was a fool to her in gene alogy. You could tell the antiquity of a family by the courtesy she made to its representative at church. In short, she had been used to the exercise of power ; and held herself considerably above the majority around her two of the great counteracting principles in the way of reform. It will always be found, I fear, that the de sire or the abhorrence of a system of equality entirely depends upon the question whether it will raise or de press us in the scale of society. The other members of my establishment were a steward, or manager, a shrewd, wary Scotsman, of whom it was said that he paid much attention to the affairs of his master, and much more to his own. He was sup- THE MAN MACHINE. 67 posed to be considerably under the influence of the counteracting principles something of a hypocrite, and a little more of a rogue. His name was Macnab, and he prided himself upon what he was pleased to call his Celtic origin. There was a footman, a coachman, a stable-boy, and one or two others of miscellaneous oc cupation, together with two maids, one of whom was no beauty, and the other had as much vanity and affectation as a duchess of three tails. " Rather unpromising ma chines for perfectibility," thought I " but what of that ? I have no doubt, as my master affirms, that any charac ter may be given to a community, or to the world at large, by means which are at the command of those who influence human affairs."* Much to my satisfaction, I discovered in a little time that my people glided with perfect ease into the New System of Society, so far as respected their intercourse with me. They sat down at meals at the same table with me, and so far from displaying any awkward em barrassment, or making any sacrifices of appetite in con sideration of my authority, they made a point of helping themselves to the choice bits on all occasions. This was promising, and I had little doubt of ultimate suc cess, when all at once the villanous counteracting prin ciples made their appearance, and hatched a plot against me that had wellnigh overturned my New System. The first was the counteracting principle of insubor dination. My steward, the Celtic Macnab, began to demur most sturdily to my directions insisting, that as we were upon a perfect equality in all other respects, he, as the person that had most experience in these matters, ought to have the sole superintendence of the agricul tural part of the system. On my demurring to this, he turned away without ceremony, muttering something ex tremely disrespectful to spinning-jennies and machinery. * See " New View of Society" for similar doctrines. 68 THE MAN MACHINE. He then went to honest Murdoch, the ploughman, a brave Kilkenny boy as ever broke heads for amusement, and directed him to plough a certain field for the pur pose of planting ruta baga. "RutawhaU" quoth Murdoch. " Turnips," said Macnab. " The divil burn such articles as turnips, say I." " But you must plant them, for all that." " Must must, did you, say ? That for you, Mac- nab," cried Murdoch, snapping his fingers " there is no must here, in the New Jerusalem. Turnips ! Boo ! would you set an Irishman planting turnips, when there is such a ting as the beautiful patate in the land of the living ? Divil burn me, Macnab, if I plant a turnip if you christen them by the name of the best saint in the calendar." " But I say you must, and shall ain t I the man ager ? You forget yourself, Mr. Murdoch." " Faith, Macnab, you re out there I m just begin ning to remember myself. You manager ! tak notice, ye old Celtic dried up mushroom, there is to be no man ager or management here our master that is to say, our instructer, for all other masters I disdain has sat isfied me that we have nothing to do with making our own opinions now my opinion is decidedly in favour of planting patatees and if I am wrong you will please put it down to the errors of my edication uatatees for ever ! ye old worn-out Man Machine," cried Murdoch, throwing up his hat " huzza for patatees !" " I say turnips," vociferated Macnab. " And I say patatees," vociferated Murdoch. " If I plant any thing but patatees may they rise up and ate me, instead of my ating them." Macnab was on the point of referring the matter to me, when he recollected that this would be acknowledging my authority. So he gave up to Murdoch, who planted his patatees in triumph. THE MAN MACHINE. 69 One day I desired my coachman to get up the horses, for a ride to the neighbouring village. But he declined the motion, observing that the principle of self-love, which I had convinced him was the groundwork of all happiness, prompted him to go in the carriage himself, having made a party with the pretty chambermaid, to the fair. Accordingly, he went to the stables and ordered out the horses. The stable-boy demurred ; it appears he also had made a party to the fair, and would not give up to the coachman. The counteracting principles waxed warm within them they incontinently fell to gether by the ears, and battered each other till the Man Machine was terribly disarranged. The inside of my house was in a worse state, if pos sible, than the outside. There was the mischief to pay among the Women Machines. The authority of the old housekeeper fell to the ground and her long estab lished system of domestic economy was assailed by the whole force of the New View of Society. The Wo men Machines, in fact, carried my master s first princi ples to such an extreme that they actually degenerated into the counteracting principles, and went over to the enemy. The principle of perfect equality, in their hands, became self-willed disobedience the principle of a community of goods became the counteracting principle of helping themselves to whatever they wanted and the great fundamental principle of self-love be came anti-social, by the prevalence of my master s grand counteracting principle of the centripetal attrac tion. In short, there was one eternal squabble in the house, and poor Jeannie, who had never thoroughly come over to the principle of universal equality in all things, almost fell a victim to the sublime doctrine of perfectibility. Half the time I had no dinner cooked, and was obliged to lie in an unmade bed, owing to the predominating influence of the counteracting prin ciples. 70 THE MAN MACHINE. " ! man, man !" I sometimes exclaimed in de spair " and more emphatically O ! woman, woman ! after all, I fear that thou art nothing but a bundle of counteracting principles. But perseverance does won ders. My master certainly made Men Machines per fect at one time I will not despair." With this resolution I set about a reform as speedily as possible ; for, to say the truth, I found that if we went on in this way much longer, I should be obliged either to take up money or starve. Saving honest Murdoch s potatoes, our crop this year was nothing. It really ap peared, that owing to some misunderstanding or misappli cation of my master s first principles, that his perfect sys tem of equality resulted in making everybody dependent exclusively upon the person whose duty it was to perform the particular office required. Thus I was entirely at the mercy of my cook for a dinner rny coachman for a ride and my housemaids for a new-made bed. This I was satisfied must be the work of the counter acting principles. I will set about counteracting them forthwith. I called these refractory machines together, and lec tured them on the spirit of insubordination, paying at the same time proper respect to the principle of equality. I told them that equality was, after all, not the entire absence of every species of inequality, but such an equality as was consistent with a due spirit of subordi nation that a community of goods did not mean the right of helping ourselves to just what we wanted that the sublime principle of self-love was not the love of self, but of society and that the idea of a man not being accountable for his opinions and actions only meant to apply to those opinions he might indulge, and those ac tions he might commit, with a due regard to the laws and customs of society. " Och, murder," roared Murdoch " Och, murder and Irish~our teacher has gone over to the counter- THE MAN MACHINE. 71 acting principles. Divil burn the New System of Society, say I ; it is nothing but the old one in disguise after all." Here it will be perceived that the counteracting prin ciples carried the Man Machine Murdoch from one extreme to the other. The moment I talked to him of restraining one of my master s first principles, he and al] the rest of them immediately protested that I abandoned my whole system. I was almost tempted to believe that if man was a machine, it must be a pendulum, which never stops except at extremes, until it ceases its motion entirely. Thus it happened with the machines of my establish ment. I could never get them to stop at the right place. The villanous counteracting principles were always tug ging at the skirts of the men and the petticoats of the wo men, nowpulling them over the line this way, and now that, from one side to the other, to the total disarrangement of my plans, and the downfall of perfectibility. As I proceeded to qualify the application of my master s great fundamental principles, they all held up their hands, and raised their voices against such unheard-of restraints in a perfect system of society. <k Arrah \ :> exclaimed orator Murdoch " here s a pretty kettle of fresh fish all turned salt. Here s a pretty attack on the perfectibility of man. Here s split ting of hairs and philosophizing people out of their liberty. I m for none of his wishey-washey, half-and-half equality and community. Neck or nothing with Mur doch. By St. Patrick, who set all the sarpents and frogs free from old Ireland, I d rather be a slave out right than not be as free as a Mother Carey s chicken. By J s," added he, after a pause " let s vote him down. Here s six of us, each equal to him six to one all hollow vote him down vote him down huzza for the first principles, and let every one do as they please." 72 THE MAN MACHINE. The counteracting principles carried all before them the resolution passed by acclamation, and I found myself in the situation of a man who, in getting through a wall, has made a hole which he can t stop again for his life. Still I did not despair, being positively certain that my master had at one time succeeded in making Men Machines perfect, and that what had been done might be done again. I determined to discharge my present machines as incorrigible, and collect a new set, younger, and less under the influence of the counteract ing circumstances. Calling them together, I announced my intention of dismissing them, on the score of their not comprehending my master s first principles. But an unexpected difficulty presented itself, in the shape of a counteracting principle, as usual. Not one of them would go unless I consented to make a fair division of the common property. With the exception of the old housekeeper, who sighed for the restoration of her ancient dominion over the household, I was deserted by all. They clamoured for a division of property, although I tried to convince them, that as they had not contributed any thing to the common fund, but had spent twice as much as they earned, they were entitled to nothing. " Och, then, he denies the sublime principle of equal ity," cried Murdoch ; " he has fallen from the state of perfectibility. My sweet ones, what say you ? let s vote him out let s banish him the community as an outlaw a white boy an imperfect machine a traitorous adherent to those diabolical villains the counteracting principles." Murdoch s motion was carried without opposition, except from the housekeeper, and yielding to the force of the counteracting principles, I quietly went into ban ishment at the neighbouring village. Thus I found, to my no small astonishment, that the operation of my mas ter s first principles, being somehow or other got under THE MAN MACHINE. 73 by the force of the counteracting principles, had actually turned me out of my inheritance. I have said nothing of the Celtic Macnab of late. The truth is, he seemed to join but little in these revolutionary proceedings. He was generally either busy, or affecting to be busy, elsewhere, and kept himself perfectly quiet. It will be seen anon what he was about all this while. At the village, I was waited upon by the minister of the parish, who, hearing of my situation, came to offer me advice and consolation. He advised me to appeal to the laws for redress. I shook my head " That would be giving up my system entirely." " What system, I pray ?" asked the old man. " The system of perfectibility, as exemplified in my master s New View of Society." " So, then, you believe in the perfectibility of man ?" " Certainly I believe that if the Man Machine was only freed from that erroneous system of education which has prevailed for the last six thousand years and could escape the influence of the counteracting princi ples he would almost, as a matter of course, become a perfect machine as perfect as a steam engine." The good man shook his head, and smiled a melan choly smile "So then, you intend to put up with this wrong, and refrain, not only from claiming your rights, but from pun ishing those who have invaded them ?" " Certainly I hold that as all the miseries, incon sistencies, and crimes of the Man Machine proceed from the errors of his early education, over which he can have no control, it follows, as a matter of course, that he ought not to be punished for them. He can no more help them, than a machine constructed upon false principles can help going wrong." " And you seriously believe the world has been going wrong ever since the creation, and that you are destined at last to set it going right ?" 7 D 74 THE MAN MACHINE. " I and my master." 44 ! the inordinate pride of human nature," quoth the old man, shaking his white locks. " Pooh ! there is no such thing as human nature, or any other kind of nature. Nature is nonsense an absurdity, a phantom, conjured up by folly and preju dice. Man, sir, is a machine you might as well talk of the nature, the passions, the innate impulses of a spinning-jenny, as of a man." " Your principles go to the complete disorganization of the present system of society." " To be sure they do and that is exactly what I conceive constitutes their peculiar excellence. The whole system is radically wrong, and I and my master mean to set it right, if we can only baffle those scoundrels the counteracting principles, and evade the force of cir cumstances." 44 But what is there so very wrong in the present sys tem, that you wish to overturn it ?" 44 In the first place people are actually taught crime, and then punished for it by the operation of an unjust system of laws. Now, sir, in order to remedy these crying evils, I would first put the judge in place of the criminal, and hang him, to a certainty. Then I would abolish the whole system of punishments, as unjust and unnecessary for nothing can be plainer, than that as all crimes and errors proceed from an erroneous system of education, it is idle, and cruel at the same time, to make laws for their punishment." 44 Then to return to the point you mean to leave these people in possession of your estate \ n 44 1 must or abandon my system." 44 Your estate is worth a dozen such systems." 44 For shame, sir ! do you value a few paltry acres more than the perfectibility of the Man Machine "? I never saw a machine so completely under the influence of the counteracting principles as you are." THE MAN MACHINE. 75 We had many similar conversations, all ending in the same unsatisfactory manner. In the mean time, my honest friend, the Celtic Macnab, was quietly maturing a plan to arrest in the most effectual manner the per fectibility of man, so far as it depended upon myself. He had represented me to the proper authorities as a mischievous madman, going about propagating princi ples that struck at the whole existing institutions of society an enemy to property, order, and religion. He further stated that I was totally incapable of managing my estate, and that it was the duty of the commission to appoint an administrator to take it out of the hands of my domestics, who had possession, and were wasting it as fast as they could. In pursuance of this information I was unexpectedly taken into custody, and carried before a commission, to undergo an examination. Macnab stated shortly what I l;ave heretofore detailed to the reader, and I was called on for an explanation of the motives of my conduct. I de tailed, in the clearest manner, the first principles of the New View of Society, and stated the grand objects my master and I had in view in thus attempting to overturn the whole system of the world. I never was so eloquent be fore or since. But the machines constituting the com mission of inquiry were sadly out of order, and the vile counteracting principles were too strong for my argu ments. They pronounced me mad, although I proved to them that a man could not possibly be made account able for his opinions ; and appointed honest Macnab ad ministrator to my estate. I was carried to a neighbouring city, and placed in a lunatic asylum. I made no resistance, for I was satisfied they could not place me among a set of people more mad than those I had just left. Nay, a sudden hope dawned upon me, that I might possibly in time introduce my New System of Society among the machines of the asylum. Accordingly, one day, when all the most quiet D2 76 THE MAN MACHINE. and manageable among us were amusing ourselves in the enclosure appointed for that purpose, I took an op portunity of laying down my master s first principles. Contrary to my expectations, there was a decided oppo sition to the principle of equality, as well as that of a community of goods. " Shall I, who am Alexander the Great, sink to a level with Alexander the coppersmith 1" cried one. " Shall I, who have written verses ten thousand times superior to Milton, or Homer, twaddle arm-in-arm through Grub-street with Croly and Mrs. Hemans ?" cried another. " Arid shall I, who have made the Apocalypse as clear as noonday, grovel on the same level with the ex pounder of a Chinese puzzle ? exclaimed a third. " And shall I, who have demonstrated the grand prin ciple of perpetual motion, acknowledge an equality with a mere inventor of steam engines ?" roared a fourth. " And shall I, who have completed a canal to connect the Icy Sea with the North Pole, degenerate into an equality with an Irish ditcher 2" roared a fifth. " And shall I, who have invented a New System of Society, to supersede law, gospel, crime, and punish ment, be placed on the same shelf with such fellows as Moses, Solon, Peter the Great, Napoleon Bonaparte, James Madison, and Jeremy Bentham?" roared a sixth. You are the man for my money, thought I. I will make you treasurer of the Society, which I have ob served is always the favourite office of great reformers and philanthropists. I could almost have persuaded myself that this was my master speaking, but it proved to be a poor fellow, who in the sequel demonstrated that he had not above half his discretion. Before I could proceed to enforce my doctrines by some of my mas ter s best arguments, the counteracting principles began to play away finely. The indignation of the whole t; THE MAN MACHINE. 77 party fell upon me, whom they looked upon as a level ler, a democrat, a radical, who wished to deprive them of their just claims to superiority. Alexander the Great seized perpetual motion by his thin spindle leg, with which he proceeded to serve me as he had done old Clytus. and run me through with his javelin. The poet thundered forth an anathema that beat that of Ernulphus, or even one of Lord Byron s best curses, quite hollow the expounder of the Apoca lypse pronounced me the beast with seven heads and ten horns the lawgiver proceeded to a breach of his own laws, by knocking me on the head with a corn-stalk the internal improvement man threatened to make me read all that had ever been written on the subject and the champion of the New System forfeited all claim to the office I had destined for him by seizing me by the collar, and demanding whether I dared to question the eternal truth, that no man was justly accountable for his opinions. The uproar brought out the keepers, who, having traced its origin in the promulgation of my New Sys tem of Society, immediately placed me in solitary con finement. Here I had full leisure to reflect, and to mature my plans for the perfectibility of mankind. What a world is this, thought I, and to what has it been brought by the erroneous system of the last six thou sand years ! It has, I fear, entirely unfitted mankind for any thing like a state of perfectibility. Neither men in their senses nor men out of their senses are willing to adopt the New System, which seems like the unlucky tailor s coat, that fitted nobody. I had many tight argu ments with the keeper who had me in charge, and who was sadly under the influence of the counteracting prin ciples. I could never convince him that the world had been going completely wrong ever since the creation, that all mankind were in error, and my master alone right. He insisted the first was a reflection upon Provi- 78 THE MAN MACHINE. dence, and that it was entirely contrary to reason that one man should be so much wiser than all the rest put together. I have indeed observed that reason is always in the way of us great reformers, and have often heard my master say it was one of the strongest counteracting principles he had to deal with. There was another ob stacle always in his way, which he called a " circum stance," namely, the experience of mankind, which my master swore was the most obstinate blockhead in the world. I remained in this state of solitary abstraction for about a month, during which my enthusiasm in behalf of the New System of Society somewhat abated. I had all the zeal in the world, but had no ambition to be come a martyr. At the end of the month, the visiter, a benevolent physician, came to examine into the cases of these unfortunate beings. He visited me, and we had a long conversation, in which I studiously abstained from the doctrines of the New System of Society. I considered that no \nari was bound to sacrifice himself to a theory ; and that, at all events, I c6uld do nothing to propagate the perfectibility of man while thus shut up from all communion with my fellow-creatures. It was impossible to reform society from the inside of a mad house. The doctor was surprised at my rationality, and seemed inclined to report me as being perfectly re stored, when, unfortunately, happening to differ with him in some point, I apologized, by observing that no man was accountable for his opinions or actions in this world. " Good-day, my friend," replied the doctor, bowing almost to the ground, with great gravity " I am afraid you are not quite cured yet," and away he went. I could have bit off my tongue, and made a solemn reso lution not to say a single syllable about the Man Ma chine the perfectibility of man the counteracting cir- THE MAN MACHINE. 79 cumstances, or any such matters, the next time the doctor came. At the end of a month the visiter came again, and I conducted myself with such discretion that he immedi ately procured an order from the trustees of the asylum for my release. The keeper, as he bade me farewell, warned me against perfectibility, and I was very near being shut up again for cautioning him against the coun teracting principles. Without losing any time I bent my steps towards my estate, with a design of bringing the Celtic Macnab to a reckoning, for procuring me to be shut up in a madhouse. When, however, I came to recollect that all the errors, inconsistencies, vices, and crimes of the Man Machine originated in his being set going wrong at first, by an erroneous system of educa tion, and that he could not, in strict justice, be called to account for his opinions or actions, I determined to treat him in the most friendly manner. We accordingly had an amicable meeting, in which, in discussing the subject of the New View of Society, he observed, that the Old World was not the proper sphere for trying the experi ment. Old habits, old errors, and old establishments, were difficult to change or pull down. It was in the wide space of the New World, where there was plenty of elbow-room to give it a fair trial, and where habits, manners, and opinions had not attained to that rigidity of muscle which renders them unalterable, that it was un doubtedly destined the experiment should completely triumph. He also casually mentioned that my old mas ter had already made arrangements for the grand experi ment, and had sailed for the New World. I caught at the idea and after some little discussion, such was my impatience to follow my master, agreed with Macnab to leave him in quiet possession for a sum of money which hardly amounted to two years pur chase. It was a good estate, although my people, yielding to the force of the counteracting principles, had dilapidated it sadly. Macnab had turned them all out 80 THE MAN MACHINE. except the old housekeeper, who still maintained her rank and her authority. I know not what became of the rest, only that orator Murdoch took a trip to Botany Bay, for acting too largely upon my master s grand principle of a community of goods. I went to bid the good old parson farewell. " You are going on a wild goose chase," said he. * Yes but people sometimes catch wild geese." " Much oftener than perfectibility." "Ay ay," said I, good-humouredly "you par sons can t bear the idea of perfectibility, because it would put down your calling." He answered my smile " Well, go thy ways for an odd Man Machine. Thou wilt one day discover that Providence is wiser than thou art farewell. Tell me how you get on in the New World when your community becomes quite perfect, send for me. I will come to show you that we parsons are not afraid of perfectibility." As I was going away he called me back. " Stay, friend perfectibility," said he, merrily. " Thou mayst want some person to certify for thee in the New W r orld, that thou art not quite as mad as a March hare. I will give thee a letter to an American, formerly a fel low-student of mine at Edinburgh, who will befriend thee, if necessary." He then sat down, and in a few minutes finished a letter which he gave me, directed to Mr. Robert Ashley, at Bristol, Pennsylvania. * Full of anticipations, I went down to a neighbouring seaport, and embarked for the New World, where I ar rived, after a short passage, without any accident or event worth recording. During the passage, I had some con versations on the New View of Society with an old sailor, whom I attempted to bring over to my master s theory. At last, however, he cut me short by " d g his eyes if he believed there was any way to make a man perfect, except by making a perfect sailor of him." THE MAN MACHINE. 81 There was, however, a fellow-passenger on board whom I found to be more reasonable, and less under the dominion of the counteracting principles. We had fre quent discussions on the subject, and I opened to him all my plans without reserve, not omitting the sum of money I had with me to invest in the perfect commu nity. He became a complete convert to the New View of Society, and we agreed to co-operate zealously in the great work of perfectibility. We went to live at the same lodgings, where we digested a plan of operations for the future. The second day after landing, he came to me, to say that by a great piece of ill luck the mer chant on whom he had a credit for a large sum was out of town, and could not supply him with funds. " But I should not have minded that so much," said he, " except that another merchant, to whom I am in debted in part of this money, insists on my paying him immediately. Now all I want is for you to advance me the sum, till the day after to-morrow, when the person on whom my bills are drawn will be in town." He offered to show me the bills, but on second thoughts, had left them with the merchant s clerk. The sum he wanted was nearly all I was worth in the world, but I lent it with as little hesitation as my friend bor rowed it. He then left me to go and pay the debt he spoke of, desiring me to have dinner ready at four o clock, when he would certainly be back. But four came without my friend, and hour after hour passed without his appearing. The dinner grew cold, for I had no inclination to eat not that I was uneasy about my money, but my friend. I was afraid that his simplicity had been imposed on, or that, like me, he might have been mistaken for a madman, and put in a lunatic asylum. A week passed away without my seeing him, during which time the remainder of my money had disappeared also. I began to grow uneasy and one day took a solitary walk in the environs of the city, to reflect on D3 82 THE MAN MACHINE. my situation, and ponder on the mysterious disappear ance of my friend. What was my joy, on turning round a short corner, to meet him face to face, when I least expected. I was rejoiced to see him, but I cannot say that he appeared to share my raptures. 44 My dear Man Machine," cried I, " I am so de lighted to meet you again I was afraid they had put you in a madhouse for believing in perfectibility. By- the-way I have spent every farthing of my money, and will thank you to let me have what I lent you." 44 What ! in a community where all things are to be in common 1 You forget the New View of Society," said he, with a sort of sneer I did not like. 44 Yes, but the system, you know, is not yet in opera tion." 44 No matter, the principles on which it is founded are eternal and immutable, sir. If a community of goods is right in one case, it is right in another. Your money is gone." 44 You don t say so," said I, in great dismay. 44 Gone, sir I have considered myself as acting up to the sublime principles of the New System, by distrib uting it among the community, upon the just basis of mutual wants and mutual conveniences. The tailor has some of it the jeweller the hatter the tavern- keeper has each his share : but the last guineas went for a couple of dozen Bingham wine, which would do your heart good even to smell at. You shall come this blessed day and help crack a bottle hey ! my fine piece of perfectibility !" 44 So, then, you have spent all my money ?" " Your money ? my dear friend, you again forget the sublime doctrines of the New System of Society. You have only to consider each of these persons who have received a share of your money as members of our community, and you will acknowledge that it could not possibly belong to you." THE MAN MACHINE. 83 * I believe you are a great rascal." My dear friend, how can you make that out 1* "You have cheated me of my money." " My good friend, you are certainly under the do minion of the counteracting principles, if ever a man was in this world. But suppose, for the sake of argument, that I had defrauded you of your money. What then am I to blame 1" " Who else, in the name of common sense 1 " " Don t mention common sense, I beseech you it has nothing to do with the New System of Society. We must try the question by our great master s first princi ples." " Agreed." " Well, then, can you deny that all the errors, incon sistencies, and crimes of the Man Machine for the last six thousand years may be traced in a direct line to the absurd and mischievous system of education which has prevailed all that time." " No." " Very well and can you deny the immortal and immutable truth of the great principle of perfectibility, that no man can be justly held responsible for his opin ions or his actions 1" " I do not deny it." " Very well ; then answer me, thou rickety, addle- pated, imperfect machine, whether, even supposing I had actually defrauded you of your money, I am to be blamed for it ? You must blame the erroneous system of society, and if you punish anybody, it must be my parents, who did not take sufficient care to put down the rascally counteracting principles." " And you think yourself justified on these grounds ?" " Certainly, certainly besides, it was my opinion that if I did not rid you of your money, somebody else would that might not make as good us of it ; and the sublime circumstance of self-love, which, you know, is 84 THE MAN MACHINE. the basis of all social duties, prompted me to give the preference to myself. You at least cannot blame me for acting up to first principles." " First principles ! If the truth were known, these are nothing but my master s great enemies the counteract ing principles." "They are the principles of perfectibility." " They are the principles of the d 1, who, it is said, can even quote Scripture to his purpose." " My dear machine, how can you, a perfect man, talk about such antiquated stuff as the Scriptures. Don t you know they are entirely unnecessary to the perfect state ?" " I don t know," cried I, in despair ; " I know no thing, I believe." " There now you may pass muster in your master s great community. To know nothing, and to be con scious of it, is the most perfect state of the Man Ma chine." Then assuming all the air of a mentor, he added, " Look e, Mr. Harmony, I will give you a piece of advice, which, if you follow it, will be worth more than all your money, so that we shall be quit, at all events. The next time you meet with a stranger, don t attempt making him a convert to principles that will not only justify his borrowing your money without ever paying, but picking your pocket into the bargain." So saying, he marched off at a long trot, and presently disappeared in the great wilderness of houses. I was now left destitute in a strange land, and, what was most provoking of all, as it were, by the operation of my master s first principles, which now for the first time I began to distrust not a little. What to do I knew not, for I had been so used to be told every day what to do, and to do every day the same thing, that I was a per fect inanimate machine, so far as respected the total absence of the principle of self-government. I stood THE MAN MACHINE. 85 with my hands in my breeches-pockets, I dare say with a most rueful expression of face, when suddenly I felt the letter of the worthy old parson crumpled between my fingers. As the last resort, I determined to go and deliver it to Mr. Ashley, and claim his good offices. He lived a considerable distance from the city, but being a man well known, I soon got a direction to his country- seat. In the morning, I was about getting into a stage with my trunk, when the master of the house came up with very little ceremony, or rather none at all, and presented me a bill. I began to talk about the first principles, the community of goods, and the New View of Society. But this was one of the most intractable machines I ever had to do with. He told me his first principle was to get his money, if he could his second to send his boarders to jail, when they ran in debt without being able to pay. These sounded to me very much like some of my master s old enemies, the counteracting principles. But the truth is, I began to be so confused about principles that I could hardly tell one from another. Be this as it may, I was carried to prison, when, according to one of my master s first principles, the landlord who applied for, and the magistrate who granted, the com mitment, ought to have been put there in my place. Here I was admitted into a society which came nearer to my master s New View than any thing 1 ever saw before or since. Here all were equal, and there was a perfect community of goods, each man borrowing from his neighbour without ever thinking of payment. They all moreover agreed perfectly in laying the blame of all the evils they had suffered, and all the faults they had com mitted, to the errors of their education, and were equally unanimous in declaiming against the injustice of legal punishments. I verily believe there was not one of them that would not have come most heartily into my master s idea of a community of goods throughout the 8 86 THE MAN MACHINE. whole world. Indeed, I thought our community in some respects preferable to that of* my master, seeing we had nothing to do, and had the best possible chance for perfectibility, being removed from the temptations of this world, and out of the reach of the counteracting principles. We had iron bars and double doors to keep the villains out. Notwithstanding some symptoms of ennui, which be gan to creep over me, I felt myself so comfortable that I hardly knew whether to be glad or sorry, when one day a gentleman was ushered into my room who an nounced himself as Mr. Ashley." " I lately," said he, " received a letter from an old friend of yours and mine, who says he gave you one to me, and inquires whether I have seen you. Being in town upon some business, I thought I would look you out ; and after some little tracing, found you, where I am very sorry to see you, sir." " I have nothing to reproach myself with, and very little to complain of," said I. " Our society here ap proaches tolerably close to the New View, and the men come as near to the state of perfect machines as any I have seen, except my master and myself." He looked at me with a mixture of pity and wonder. " I am glad you have been so comfortable here. But, at all events, I hope you will have no objection to go home with me for a little time. I have paid your small debt, and though our society may not be quite so per fect as this, I hope you will be able to tolerate it." There was an honest freedom, mingled with hearty kindness, about Mr. Ashley that won my confidence, and after some little struggle with myself I- agreed to accompany him home. His establishment was large, and he had about him a number of workmen and la bourers. But I regretted to see that he had made little or no advance in the great plan of perfectibility. He paid no regard to the system of perfect equality, except so far THE MAN MACHINE. 87 as the administration of justice required, and the grand principle of a community of goods was entirely ban ished. Instead of treating his men and women like machines, he actually put them on the footing of rational beings, accountable for their actions, forgetting entirely that these proceeded from an erroneous system of edu cation, over which they had no control whatever. He laughed at the idea of entirely banishing idleness, pov erty, and crime, and of course the necessity of punish ment, by means of any system ever yet invented. As to the counteracting principles, he went so far as to say that this was a phrase invented by my master, who, by giving new names to old things, had sought to screen the absurdity of his new system from the eyes of the ignorant. Nevertheless, Mr. Ashley was a shrewd, clear-sighted man, who had seen much, read much, and reflected much in the course of his life. Like all the well-edu cated Americans I have seen, he had those practical notions of liberty that are essential to its existence, and which only the habitual enjoyment of it can thoroughly implant in the mind. When the rational inhabitants of the New World speak of freedom and equality, they mean nothing more than the privilege of making their own laws, and an equality of civil and religious rights. " The first right of a people," said Mr. Ashley to me in one of our discussions "the first right of a people is that of making their own laws their first duty is to obey them. They and the magistrates who administer them are the only sovereigns." This is a sentiment, I may say a habit, with the Americans ; and I often have had occasion to observe that one of the last things they think of is resisting laws assented to by their own peculiar legislature. My friend and I had long and frequent arguments upon the advantages of the old and new systems, for though he was my benefactor, I was determined not to give up to him on that account. 88 THE MAN MACHINE. " Your master, as you call him," said Mr. Ashley to me, one day that I had advanced the doctrine of per fectibility "your master appears to consider all the vices and crimes of mankind as proceeding from igno rance." " Certainly," said I, " they are the necessary and inevitable consequences of ignorance, as my master affirms." " As an abstract proposition, and taken in its broadest sense, it is probably true. Could we conceive the idea of any being, but the Omnipotent alone, gifted with per fect knowledge, that being would probably be free from all vice. Perfect knowledge presupposes a perfect con viction of the futility of indulging the passions, except to the extent in which they are essential to the existence of the grand system of the universe. Perfect know ledge, or wisdom, would know that inordinate lust, ava rice, ambition, gluttony, selfishness, envy, malice, re venge, and all those passions which lead to the commis sion of crime, were in fact sources of misery, repent ance, and despair. It would therefore, having this per fect conviction, abstain from the criminal indulgence of these passions." " I am happy," said I, " that you are a convert to one of my master s first principles at least." " In its abstract, not in its application. I consider it, when applied to man, as a preposterous absurdity." "As how?" " Because it can never apply to him to the extent necessary to your first principle. It must be perfect wisdom, or the argument falls to the ground." " But do you not believe, that in proportion as we lose our ignorance we recede from vice ?" " Indeed, I do not. In the main, I do believe that the acquisition of knowledge, unless," said Mr. Ash ley, smiling, " it meets with one of your master s coun teracting principles, is favourable to virtue. But he THE MAN MACHINE. 89 must be little acquainted with the world, as it has been, and as it is, not to be convinced, that in the scale of virtue there is little difference between knowledge and ignorance, except in the refinement with which the one, and the grossness with which the other, indulges its vices. Generally speaking, ignorance is not the fault of mankind, but their misfortune. It would therefore impeach the justice of Providence to suppose they were the worse on that account." * Here, at least," said I, eagerly, " you have ad mitted one of my master s first principles. You say that ignorance is generally not the fault but the misfor tune of mankind. Is not this acknowledging what my master affirms, that, as no man directs his early educa tion, so no man can justly be accountable for his opin ions or his actions ?" " Indeed, it is not. What I find fault with in your master s first principles is, that though they are, a great many of them, such as have been admitted by the writers on morals and metaphysics, yet until now they were never carried to that mischievous extent of practical ap plication, which I consider the defect, I might almost say the wickedness, of your master s system. Con sider what would be the result of the application of your principle of non-accountability. A perfect latitude of crime, and a complete freedom from punishment the absence of all restraints of conscience or law." " But where would be the harm, if the Man Machine was perfect?" " Neither you nor your master have a right to ask the question until you make them so." " But you will admit that if they were perfect, there would be no harm in it ?" " Certainly only make them perfect, and I will become a convert to the New System." i " Only give us time, and you will see it all come 90 THE MAN MACHINE. about. All that is necessary is to get rid of the rascally counteracting circumstances." " certainly there I agree with you perfectly," said Mr. Ashley, smiling. " But as time is, you acknow ledge, necessary to make man perfect, what is to be come of society in the mean while, when all the re straints of accountability and punishment are thus sus pended ? It will fall into a state of nature, if there ever was such a thing a perfect anarchy a dissolution will take place." " My dear friend, that is just what we want. If we could only dissolve the present state of society, and produce a perfect chaos, we would then begin ab ovo, as my master says, and do what we pleased afterward in remodelling it. " But to return," continued I, " to the inseparable connexion between vice and ignorance. You don t be lieve in it?" " Let me answer you by another question, in our Yankee fashion. Which are most free from vice, chil dren or grown people ?" " Why, children, to be sure." "And which have most knowledge, children or men V " Why, men, to be sure." " Then how can ignorance be the sole cause of vice r Mr. Ashley, seeing me rather posed, went on. "My good friend, be assured the great error of all system-makers is, that of ascribing to one cause what is the result of the operation of many. Degrees of vice are not to be measured by degrees of ignorance nor does the mere teaching of what is right furnish any ab solute guarantee for acting rightly. There are a thou sand temptations assailing us, from which all the know ledge that will ever fall to the lot of man can be but an inadequate defence." THE MAN MACHINE. 91 u That is owing to the intervention of the rascally counteracting principles." " Call them what you will," said Mr. Ashley, " names do not alter things, nor can all thy master s jargon about principles and circumstances disguise the passions and appetites of human nature from those who are not governed by mere words. It is indeed a happy circumstance that the morals of mankind do not depend upon the understanding of metaphysical distinctions, else I fear there would be little of morality in this world." " Then," said I, after a pause, " you do not believe in the influence of knowledge at all 1" " Pardon me," said he, " I believe it has great influ ence, and that to know our duties is essentially neces sary to the practice of them. It is, to a certain extent, indispensable to the maintenance and enjoyment of that freedom which is the basis of national prosperity and happiness. If to know what is right is essential to practice, it is still more essential to the enjoyment of our rights that we should know in what they consist. This cannot be known without education. All I deny is, that human knowledge will suffice to the total pre vention of crimes, or obviate the necessity of penal statutes and punishments." " Punishments !" said I ; " my master allows of no thing of this kind. He has proved that punishment is not only cruel, but entirely ineffectual in the prevention of crime." "As howl" " Why, because, notwithstanding these punishments, crimes are committed every day," said I. " Ah ! that is your master s usual mode of drawing conclusions. Because punishments do not prevent crime entirely, he concludes that they are of no effect whatever. Because they don t do every thing, it fol lows in his system that they do nothing. He sees that 92 THE MAN MACHINE. crimes are committed in spite of the punishment ; but only Omniscience can see how many others are re frained from, in the apprehension of the punishment that awaits them. In good truth, my friend, of all thy master s absurdities, and truly they are manifold, the absurdity of dispensing with punishments altogether, be cause those already denounced are insufficient for the total prevention of crime, is the greatest. It is as if a parent should say to a wayward and obstinate child, 4 Go thy ways, and do as thou pleasest ; I find ten stripes will not prevent thee from transgressing, there fore I will not increase them to twenty, but let thee off hi future without any punishment at all. " " But my master relies upon the force of habit, the absence of temptation, and the hope of reward," said I. " My good friend, thy master relies upon insufficient securities. The force of habit is strong, I allow, but where is thy master s surety that men will not adopt bad habits as well as good ?" . "The absence of all temptation to do evil," re plied I. " My friend," replied Mr. Ashley, " where there are temptations to do good there will be temptations to do evil. They are coeval, coexistent, and inseparable." " But we are to have neither temptation to one nor the other temptation is to be banished entirely." " Then what becomes of the hope of reward is not that a temptation to do good ? But be assured that re wards will not do alone in this world without the aid of punishments. You may punish a man for committing a crime, but it would be impossible for society, under any view, new or old, to reward all persons for abstaining from it. But even if society had the means, how is it to arrive at a knowledge of the degree of temptation resisted, of the degree of virtuous forbearance exer cised, so as to proportion the reward to the resistance ? It would be confounding all degrees of virtue to reward THE MAN MACHINE. 93 all alike, and it would be arrogating to ourselves the omniscience of the Supreme Being, to pretend to dis criminate between the temptations and forbearance of all those who abstain from the commission of crime. Solon, one of the wisest of lawgivers, ancient or mod ern, has said, that in order to make men virtuous you must allure them by rewards, and deter them by pun ishments. All legislators have proceeded upon these principles. Is thy master wiser than the wisest of all ages ? To me it appears that his system, so far from indicating superior wisdom, is founded in a total practi cal ignorance of man ; and a complete misapplication of the little abstract knowledge he possesses." " Then you deny that the hope of reward operates in favour of virtue I" said I. " Indeed, not I. I only deny that it is sufficient in itself to restrain the passions of mankind I find fault only with thy master for affirming it to be so. A per fect system can no more be made out of a single princi ple like this, than a perfect man could be made with only one leg. Thy system has but half a leg, in truth." Here I observed that I thought my mister at least sincere and disinterested in his plans for improving the happiness of the human family, and that however he might be led astray by an unlimited application of his firstr principles, his object at least should shelter him from ridicule. " Why, I don t know," replied Mr. Ashley ; " a good intention certainly goes far to sanction a reasonable de gree of theoretical absurdity. But when such absurdi ties strike at the root of the whole frame of society, and in their operation go to unsettle the very fundamental principles of religion, morals, and government, the au thor of them becomes Ferce JVa/wrce a sort of com mon enemy, whom it is lawful to run down, either by reason or ridicule, whichever may be most efficacious. Now, my good friend, I believe the sage Don Quixote 94 THE MAN MACHINE. was the last man that ever seriously undertook to fight with a windmill ; except it may be that I am somewhat liable to a similar imputation, in having seriously at tempted to battle with thy master s first principles. To oppose fanaticism, or uncloak hypocrisy, by serious ar gument, is a hopeless task, because the former neither reasons nor listens to reason, and the latter is always too interested to become a convert. I do not doubt thy master s sincerity, although he talks a little too much, I think, about increase of profit, pecuniary gain, and such like worldly matters, which slip out occasionally ; but whether sincere and disinterested or not, he has no right to demand, nor you either, that because he is serious, others must of necessity be serious too. Goodness of intention, like charity, covers a multitude of sins but a good intention can only be known to Him who Searches all hearts, while its evil consequences may be estimated by every rational being. It would be making error per petual to approach it on all occasions with a most pro found and reverential gravity. Such is indeed the in firmity of our nature, that what is often impenetrable to reason, and invincible to persecution and torture, is brushed away by the light feather of ridicule in a single moment. There is another good practical reason for using this weapon in cases like the present. Errors and mischievous absurdities are best put down by the good sense and good feeling of the people, excited and awakened by addresses to both. This excitement is to be produced either by verbal arguments or by printed publications, which last, to be of any service, must be read. Now, hundreds will read a book that makes them laugh, where one will read a book that only makes him wise. I never expect to attack thy master s first principles in a book, but I claim the privilege of laugh ing at them when I please, notwithstanding your gravity. I hope you will take it in good part, for I promise you THE MAN MACHINE. 95 that in some ages and countries your master would not have been let off with a laugh." These arguments were renewed almost every day, and I confess that each one contributed in some degree to unsettle for a moment my faith in the New View of Society. But though weakened I was not overcome, and I exulted from time to time in detecting Mr. Ashley in what I supposed inconsistencies and contradictions. " If I understand," said I one day, " you deny my master s first principle, that any character may be given to a community, or to the world at large, by means which are in the power and at the command of those who influence human affairs V 1 " I do, as usual," replied Mr. Ashley, " to the ex tent to which he carries it." " Then you deny the influence of power, wealth, talent, superstition, corporeal strength ; in short, what ever has enabled men to obtain an influence over na tions, and to modify their systems of government V 1 " My good friend, it appears to me the pupils of per fectibility have a very imperfect mode of understanding argument. You, for example, seem to suppose that I deny every thing you advance, because I don t assent to every thing. I believe if I were to deny that this was a bright sunshiny day, merely because it rains, you would take me up as affirming there was no such thing as sun shine in this world. Here, as usual, your master s propo sition is true to a certain extent ; but to affirm that the character of a community entirely depends on its rulers, or, in other words, * those who influence human affairs, is running into an extreme, and all extremes are absurdi ties. This would be making man a machine at once, to be set in motion entirely at the will or caprice of an other. I certainly believe in the very weighty influence of rulers and lawgivers ; but I don t believe all of them put together could make the native of Lapland or Kam- schatka an Italian amateur of the fine arts, any more 06 THE MAN MACHINE. than I believe a pig could be brought to prefer wiping his nose with a cambric handkerchief by the influence of either his master s precepts or example. I have seen a learned pig, it is true ; but his scholarship originated in a proper distribution of rewards and punishments, both which your master discards from his new system. That power, wealth, virtue, and genius give certain men great influence in the formation of the community in which they live is certain. But there are a thousand other circumstances, as your master would call them, either aiding or counteracting this influence, and modify ing habits, manners, and opinions. Your master is only wrong here, as he generally is, in ascribing all to the influence of man, and leaving nothing to those more powerful instruments wielded by Providence. He ap pears to deal in none but secondary causes." Proceeding in the discussion of my master s first principles, we at length came to the community of goods, the perfect equality, and the great axiom that nothing was necessary to supersede the whole complicated sys tem of education, government, and religion, but the proper understanding of the great truth, that self-love and social are the same. In discussing these points Mr. Ashley observed ** That the object of my master in making a perfect equality, and a community of goods, two of the funda mental principles of his system, appeared to be that of withdrawing from his Men Machines three of the great sources of injustice and crime among mankind ; to wit, ambition, avarice, and envy. But the idea of so per fect a system of equality, so perfect a community of every thing, as would place people out of the reach of the operation of these passions " " Counteracting principles, if you please." "Well, counteracting principles, then," said Mr. Ashley, good-naturedly : " the idea, I say, is absurd and preposterous. There is an inequality in nature, if no- THE MAN MACHINE. 97 where else, which is beyond the control of systems and theories ; and even admitting there were not, unless you could produce a perfect equality in that estimation in which men hold the good things of this world, it would be impossible to prevent them from envying some one or other from indulging a desire to appropriate what is not their own, and to control the opinions and actions of their fellows. In short, you must place man in the grave before you can place him beyond the reach of the pass I beg pardon, the counteracting principles. But were it even possible to introduce and sustain for any length of time so perfect an equality, as that all should be precisely on a footing with regard to worldly goods and worldly sources of enjoyment, I fear there would not be the less play of the little and malignant passions. Experience, which is a surer guide than the vagaries of sanguine or deluded theorists, has convinced me that it is precisely in this state of perfect equality that these igno ble passions are most excited, and most mischievously, for the happiness of the community. My observation has taught me that those who, are far above, or far be low, or far distant from us in any respect are seldom the objects of our envy or jealousy. But even if they should become so, they are placed beyond the reach of their daily effects. It is among our equals and companions, those who rival us in our favourite pursuits who cross our paths in the attainment of what we most ardently covet who share with or deprive us of the gratification of some long-sought good or pleasure it is towards these that the malignant passions are most frequently and most bitterly excited. People so circumstanced are perpetually coining into conflict with each other in the attainment of those objects which, in any state of society I have everbeen acquainted with, must and will constitute our most powerful excitements. These petty rivalries, so far from being diminished, only rage the more venom ously where people are cooped up in a small space, 9 E 98 THE MAN MACHINE. and crowded together under the immediate eye of the dispenser of honours and rewards. Proximity is to the passions what oil is to the fire ; it makes them rage ten times more furiously. They will be found to ope rate in a narrow and confined sphere much more ac tively, incessantly, and vehemently than out in the broad space of the great world, where there is such a vast variety of pursuits, and so much elbow-room for all, that the passions seem to lose their force and malignity by expansion. There are so many temptations and inter ests, each pulling a different way, and each in turn exer cising a momentary influence, that the mind is in a vast many cases saved from the worst of all tyrannies, that of a ruling passion, the source of most of the crimes and excesses that blot the history of the human race." Mr. Ashley was no better pleased with my master s great principle, * that all that was necessary to the per- iection of society was self-love properly understood." " Like all the rest of your master s principles," said he, " it is alike absurd and dangerous in its application, by being carried to an extreme. Besides, it is refining too much. Mankind are not to be governed by meta physical niceties, and it is especially dangerous to at tempt to make that the foundation of all virtue which has ever been considered the foundation of all vice. In the language and perceptions of ordinary people, self-love is synonymous with the total absence of all the social duties ; and the danger of inculcating it as the basis of social happiness is, that you may persuade them that excessive social indulgences are not only allowable, but praiseworthy. With ordinary minds, I imagine it will be difficult to make out a clear comprehension of the difference between that self-love which seeks its fruition in the indulgence of the selfish passions, and that which finds it in administering to the happiness of others. The latter, the ignorant, at least, would be much more apt to call self-denial, rather than self-love ; and I should have THE MAN MACHINE. 99 been much better pleased with your master s system had he condescended to administer to their comprehen sion by giving it a name they can understand." " But my master s system is addressed to the wise, instead of the ignorant. There will be no such thing as ignorance in the new system of society. We are all. to be philosophers." " What ! a community of philosophers ! That is but another name for bedlam. And philosophers too, pass ing the greater portion of their time at the spinning- jenny, the loom, and the steam engine. The school of Socrates certainly was nothing to this. No doubt you will all be perfect in time." " Ay, sir, perfect Men Machines." " I have no doubt of it," said my friend dryly. " But," said I, " we are not to be always learning philosophy and metaphysics at the spinning-jenny ; we are to be taught all the moral duties, that is to say, the children and instructed in their exercise at the play ground. There, under the superintendence of sage Mentors, the little candidates are to be initiated into all the mysteries of the proper application of the great fundamental principle of self-love." Mr. Ashley shook his head. " My good friend, there is a time for all things a time for play and a time for instruction. If you make the plays of children a medium for inculcating either morals or knowledge, they cease to be recreations, they become tasks, and the whole end and object of plays, to wit, relaxation of mind and wholesome exercise of body, is lost. You may teach children to forget they are hun gry by play but neither philosophy nor morals, I ima gine, are to be learned at children s plays, which essen tially consist, and in fact derive their principal excite ments from the strife of strength, skill, courage, swift ness of foot, or some other physical qualities. Besides, if you are to make philosophers by play, it is essential E2 100 THE MAN MACHINE. that they should play nearly the whole time, and then what becomes of the spinning-jenny and the common fund ?" " Then," replied I, in great vexation, " you don t believe in a single one of my master s first princi ples ? " Not to the extent to which he carries their opera tion. Every one of them, in my opinion, is practically false." " Nor in the force of circumstances ? " " Certainly, if you mean the temptations of, this life." " My good sir, I mean no such nonsense." " What then do you mean ?" " Why the the force of circumstances. And I suppose you deny that the counteracting principles are the greatest rascals in the world ?" " If- you mean the passions, I do not deny it." " Pshaw ! I beg pardon, but you talk nonsense. There is no such thing as passions in my master s New Yiew of Society." " That may be, but this don t prove they have no existence." " You believe, in short, that the present state of so ciety cannot be improved ?" " There you go again because I don t believe it can be made perfect, you make me say it cannot be im proved. I think it may be greatly improved, but not by such reformers as your master. His system may in crease the amount of productive labour it may, to use his own words, produce to the administrators of a com munity of this kind, 4 a large increase of pecuniary gain, preserve the body in a good working condition, and enable one woman to do the work of twenty . * If this is perfectibility, then you will undoubtedly be perfect." These arguments, and a variety of others, Mr. Ashley * See " New View of Society," for similar expressions. THE MAN MACHINE. 101 from time to time brought forward against my mas ter s now system, I confess, undermined for a time my firm reliance upon its practicability. By degrees I aban doned all present thoughts of joining the new associa tion of which I saw flaming accounts in the public pa pers, and begged Mr. Ashley to procure me some em ployment. " With all my heart," said he ; " what are you fit for ? Can you plough 1" " No, sir but I can tend a spinning-jenny," ** Can you mow ?" No." "Thrash?" " No." " Plant corn V 9 " No." " Make cider ?" No." " Have you learned any trade ?" " No except tending a spinning-jenny." " Can you handle an axe 1" No." " A spade ?" " No." " Do you know when to plant, when to gather in harvest, and at what season to perform the different operations of rural economy V 9 " No ; all seasons were alike with us, and there was a time, not for all things, but for one thing only, watch ing the spinning-jenny. But I dare say I can learn try me, sir." Accordingly, I went into the fields with Mr. Ashley, to assist in some light labours of the field, but I made a poor hand of it. One day he set me to driving a cart, and found me about an hour afterward, standing before the wheel, watching till it should begin to go round, like a spinning-jenny. From time to time he tried me at other occupations ; but I know not how it was, I could 102 THE MAN MACHINE. never get on, for want of the inspiring din and clatter ing wheels of the cotton machinery, and was either found quite becalmed in the fields, or watching the mo tion of a water-wheel, belonging to a mill upon the estate. At length, however, Mr. Ashley hit upon an expedient that partly answered the purpose of setting my machinery going. He procured a machine called in America a horse-fiddle, which was placed on a pole in the field where I was to be employed. So long as that went, I went ; but when the weather was calm, the fiddle stopped, and so did I. The people about laughed at me most unmercifully, but I was delighted with the ex periment, which demonstrated entirely to my satisfac tion that I had become a perfect Man Machine. In fact, I became more than ever a convert to my master s new system, and nothing could afterward shake my con viction of the perfect ease with which the perfectibility of man might be attained, if we could only get rid of " the circumstances," and their confounded abetters the rascally " counteracting principles." But not even the consciousness of superiority can sustain a man for any length of time against the ridicule of all around him. I began to be tired of Mr. Ashley, and he, I believe, became quite tired of me, finding I was proof against his sophistry. It one day chanced to fall out that I came across the sublime theory of the CONCENTRIC SPHERES, which struck me exceedingly. I determined at once to leave Mr. Ashley, and as I had become convinced that the outside crust of this world was not fitted for my master s theory, nor my master s theory for it, decided to try the experiment, and see what the inside would do for us. " Where art thou going, my good friend 1" said Mr. Ashley. " To search for the perfectibility of man, among the Concentric Spheres." "Right, thou wilt find them together, I ll warrant thee." And thus we parted. THE REST YOU KNOW. STORY OF THE SECOND WISE MAN OF GOTHAM. THE PERFECTION OF REASON. MY brother Harmony (said Mr. Quominus, the second Wise Man of Gotham), has fallen a sacrifice to the perfectibility of man ; I, on the contrary, am a martyr to the Perfection of Reason. I was born in a country where they have sufficient wisdom to make their own laws, but not quite enough, as it would seem, to understand them afterward. In order to remedy this singular inconvenience they resorted to a method equally singular and original. They enlisted the wise men of other nations in their behalf; and justly considering that it was quite a sufficient effort of human wisdom for one country to make its own laws, they determined to resort to another for their interpretation. Accordingly, they made a vast number of laws, believing they could not have too much of a good thing, and then sent beyond sea to get them explained. In a couple of hundred yearsj these explanations, being all carefully recorded in books, amounted to upwards of three thousand volumes, of goodly size, each containing upon an average, one hundred contradictory interpretations of different wise men. Such a mass of wisdom, and such a variety of opinions, supported by such unanswerable arguments, never got together under the same roof in this world. Some very aged persons, who had lived long enough to get about half through this invaluable collection, discov ered that it was like the sermon that suited any text, and the text that suited any sermon for every man could E3 106 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. find in it a decision, or at least an opinion, to suit his purpose. A system so supported on all sides, by all sorts of opinions, certainly merited the honour of being called a science ; and such a science as certainly de served a respectable name. It was accordingly aptly denominated THE PERFECTION OF REASON, because it furnished every man, however different his opinions might be, with reasons in support of them. In addition to this great requisite of every perfect sys tem, namely, that it should suit everybody this accu mulation of contradictory opinions, it was affirmed, pos sessed another irresistible claim to the dignified appella tion it had obtained. It cannot be denied, said the ad mirers of this science, that although the laws are ex pressly devised to settle such disputes, or conflicting claims, as might otherwise occasion a resort to force, still it is never the intention of a wise legislator, that people should actually appeal to them for this purpose. They are merely to be held up in terrorem, or rather like buoys, to float on the surface of society, for the purpose of warning mankind of the shoals and quick sands below. In this point of view, then, it is apparent, that the more intricate and inconsistent the laws, and the more various and contradictory their interpretations, the greater delay and expense there will be found in set tling appeals to them, and consequently the number of law-suits be greatly diminished. Thus, when the laws become perfectly unintelligible they are absolutely perfect, for then nobody in their senses will go to law, and the science, will do its duty after the manner of a scarecrow, which frightens the birds from the corn, merely by flour ishing its unintelligible rattle. Thus you see, that no other name than that of the perfection of reason could possibly have suited this excellent science. In addition to the singular happiness of being born in a country governed according to the perfection of rea son, I was brought up under an uncle (my father dying THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 107 when I was quite a child), who adored the law, and might be said never to have had any other mistress. He was a bachelor, of competent estate, but rather in different education he was better fed than taught ; and when I say he could read, and write, and cipher a little, I go as far as strict biographical veracity will warrant. He was without a profession, rich, and a bachelor. Such a man has but one chance for happiness in this world he must get unto himself a hobby, and ride away as if the sheriff was at his heels. To trace a man s hobby to its first cause is like searching for the source of the Niger. Yet I think I can account for that of my uncle. He had gained possession of a large part of his property by a law-suit, and ever after held law to be the perfection of reason, while the honest gentleman who lost the estate held it in utter abhorrence. The suit lasted nineteen years, at the expiration of which, there was found a great flaw in the defendant s title. He had no more money, and no man ever successfully appealed to the perfection of reason with an empty pocket. From this time it was his great delight to attend the courts, where, as he used to affirm, with surprising satis faction, they sometimes nearly argued his head off his shoulders, and so confounded his notions of the distinc tions between right and wrong, that he could hardly tell the difference, until he went home and looked over the ,en commandments. I remember the delight with which he related a case he had read in some book of reports, where a man tried on a confession of murder was acquitted by the jury, under the express direction of the judge, because the charge set forth that he com mitted the murder outside, whereas it appeared in evi dence that it was done inside, of a certain door. An other time he fell into an ecstasy at a decision which he always held, to the day of his death, to be the most ex quisite specimen of nice legal distinction he had ever 108 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. met with in the whole course of his life. It seems a fellow had been caught with a bundle of counterfeit notes, which the indictment set forth was found in his right breeches-pocket, when it appeared in evidence it was taken from his left breeches-pocket. " After three days hard argument, the court decided," said my good uncle, rubbing his hands " they decided that the prosecutor had mistaken the locus in po, or the hocus in. quo" my uncle, as I said before, was no scholar " and therefore the prisoner must be acquitted." Had the law never done any thing else but make this distinction between a man s pockets, it would, in his opinion, have fully merited its title of the perfection of reason. " It is worth while to go a thousand leagues," would he say, 44 to find out how little the actual commission of a crime has to do with the real matter of fact, in the eye of the perfection of reason. It is all settled by the hocus in quo which I suppose is what we call hocus-pocus in English." Like a vast many ignorant people, he mis took quibbling subtlety for deep reasoning the art of confounding with that of enlightening the understanding incomprehensibility for clearness, and perplexity for wisdom forgetting, or rather never having discovered, that true wisdom is perfect simplicity. The good gentleman, however, almost exclusively confined his idolatry to the common law. He consid ered it, not only the perfection of reason, but the wis dom of ages. Nothing, indeed, could equal his admira tion of the common law, except his thorough contempt for statute and civil law. If he could have had his will he would have outlawed the statutes, and made it capital to read Justinian. Mercy upon us ! how he would rail at Caius, Ulpian, Papinian, Tribonian, and the rest of the civil law gentlemen, whom he called by no other name than pettifoggers of the forum. Not that he knew, or ha d ever read a word of either of these writers. His contempt was perfectly gratuitous it was the homage THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 109 of ignorance at the shrine of prejudice. Next to his veneration for the common law was his profound respect for English judges confounding I beg pardon, ex pounding it. Even their contradicting themselves every day did not alter his opinion that they were the only inspired high-priests of the perfection of reason. Towards the judges and jurists of other countries he looked rather askew, believing that human reason never attained to any tolerable degree of perfection out of the three kingdoms ; and that a French, Italian, German, or Dutch judge knew no more about managing the common law than they did about boxing, or any other abstruse science. But of all the judges, past or pres ent, he, like most ignorant people, held those of his own <5buntry the cheapest, for divers reasons. He main tained that they either had no opinions of their own, or were afraid to assert them. That they were, in fact, little better than instruments in the hands of subtle law yers, or mere echoes of the decisions of others. He once went so far as to swear he could teach a parrot to retail the decisions of his betters, and thus make a capi tal judge of him, for his gravity would pass for wisdom. So far indeed did he carry this unjust prejudice, as to declare it his firm conviction, that if the development of their organs was examined by a competent phrenologist, nine out of ten would be found destitute of the organ of judgment. But in this, I am convinced, notwith standing the causes I have to complain of the perfection of reason, the good gentleman carried his prejudices beyond all reasonable bounds. I have had, as you will perceive in the course of my narrative, pretty sufficient reason for dissatisfaction on this head. But, notwith standing, I am free to bear testimony to the talents, learning, and uprightness of the great majority of the judges of my native country. As respects the admin istration of justice, they are, in my opinion, as able and upright as the perfection of reason will permit them to 10 110 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. be. If they err at all, I am inclined to think it is in per mitting too great a latitude to the subtleties and sophis tries of ingenious pleaders ; and in giving undue weight to ancient precedents, derived from reasons long since inapplicable to the state of our manners, habits, and social relations. A want of sufficient confidence in their own opinions appears to rne another fault, which, however, almost deserves to be pardoned on account of its novelty. It has happened to me more than once, to hear a judge decide upon a case on the ground of some recorded decision of another judge, when I myself would a thousand times rather have trusted it to his own unbiased sense of right and wrong. It seems odd to see a lawyer teaching a judge his lesson out of a pile of books, and making him who is there as a master, appear more like a scholar, learning his alphabet from some beardless pedagogue. However this may be, my uncle had a most vehe ment and perfect veneration for the common law, and for English judges sitting in judgment upon it, and from time to time pronouncing it to be sometimes flesh, some times fish, and sometimes fowl. I verily think, if he could only have found out in what impenetrable laby rinth the common law was enshrined, he would have made a pilgrimage to the spot. Indeed, he once talked very seriously of going to England, only to see the chief-justice of the common pleas in his gown and wig. But he was prevented by one of those untoward acci dents which disconcert the great schemes of life. He died before he could come to a determination. This, however, was long after he had condemned me to study the perfection of reason. He decreed that I should be a lawyer, though I am unalterably convinced that both nature and fate intended me only for a client. I was accordingly sent into the country, to live with a learned jurist, who boarded a certain number of pupils, to whom he read law-lectures three times a week. In THE PERFECTION OF REASON. Ill the intervals we dipped into the works of the famous writers who have analyzed and laid down the great prin ciples of the law. We knew nothing, however, and learned nothing of the real mysteries of the profession ; nor did I discover, until after long experience in the world, that the theory and the practice of the law were no nearer related to each other than the two extremes of the same earth. They were the antipodes of each other. Here, in the retirement of a country mansion, and apart from the great business of the world, which alone furnishes the practical application and infallible test of all human institutions, I revelled in the beautiful theory of the law. Everywhere I read the most lofty and eloquent eulogiums on the science, from the pens of the greatest names ; and everywhere I saw in the Eng lish books the highest, most unqualified testimony to the unequalled excellence of the common law above all others. It was the aggregate of human experience, the perfection of reason. I actually fell in love with it, and studied with an amorous enthusiasm which I can hardly believe possible, now that my mistress has jilted me so many times. At the end of three years I was sent for to my worthy uncle, who was dangerously ill. I found him in the hands of a physician who had himself invented six new diseases, and of course must have been a clever fellow. But my poor uncle s time was fast approach ing ; he grew worse every day, and the doctor invented a new name for every new symptom that appeared. Calling me one morning to his bedside, he expressed his affection for me, and said he had left me all he was worth in the world. " You will find yourself rich ; but remember that riches make themselves wings, and fly away. Remember, too, that the only way to restrain their flight is by a proper knowledge of the laws, whereby you will be enabled to take care of your wealth. By knowing what is lawful and what is not lawful by 112 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. applying the immutable rules of right and wrong as de fined by the laws I mean the common law you will have a due sense of your rights and duties, and thus no danger can befall you." Rising upon his elbow, he continued, with an enthu siasm that lent new light to the dying taper 44 Law is indeed the perfection of reason therefore it must necessarily conform to the purest principles, and inculcate the soundest doctrines of morality. It is therefore the great worldly monitor to teach us what is clue to ourselves arid to others. It is, in fact, a practi cal commentary upon the great and divine precept, * that we should do to others what we would they should do unto us. It is likewise a rule of action, as hath been truly defined. It must therefore be founded upon immutable principles. It is intended for the daily use and government of people of common sense there fore, it must of necessity be so plain and simple in its precepts, as to be within the comprehension of the most ordinary understanding. Dost thou reverence this noble science, my dear nephew V 3 " I do," replied I, bowing reverentially. " Dost thou believe in Holt, Hale, Somers, Hard- wicke, Lord Raymond, Chief-justice Coke, Judge Bul- ler, Lords Mansfield, Thurlow, Ellenborough, and all the English judges V " In every mother s son of them," said I, little wot ting that I had pledged myself to the belief of greater contradictions than I could digest for the rest of my life. " And in the common law?" quoth he. " I believe it to be the perfection of reason." " Enough, my dear son now take my last advice. Never resort to any tribunal but the common law, if you are aggrieved, assaulted, or defrauded. Eschew the court of chancery, as clogged, impestered, and cor rupted by an infusion of that mischievous quality, mis called equity, which the common law abhorreth. Thou THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 113 hast only to appeal to the common law for redress for that is the perfection of reason." "It is the perfection of justice," said I. " I affirm it with my latest breath," said my good uncle, and expired with a smile of triumph. When the doctor arrived he discovered symptoms of a new symptom, which he immediately christened by a new name. There was a swelling under the tongue. " It was only an unnatural expansion of the organ of common law did he examine the angle of constructive- ness ?" interrupted Doctor Spurrem, the third Wise Man of Gotham. " Not that I know of," said Mr. Quominus. " What an imperfect machine your uncle must have been," said the Man Machine, " not to know that in the perfect state of society there is no use for either law or gospel." " Very likely," replied Mr. Quominus, " but he was kind to me, and left me a good estate. I am therefore bound not to hear his memory insulted." " No intention in the world," returned the other ; " but as you made free with the old gentleman your self" " That may be," quoth Mr. Quominus ; " but I don t like other people to take the same liberties." He then proceeded with his narrative. Finding myself in possession of a plentiful estate, I determined not to enter upon the practice of the law, except now and then con amore, and in the mean while amuse myself with such recreations as my fortune placed in my power. As I was fond of riding, I bought a horse of a famous dealer, for which I paid a high price, being verbally assured that he had an amazing number of good qualities, and no faults. In a day or two, I discovered that he was broken- winded, and blind of an eye ; of course I insisted on returning the horse and receiving my money back again, on the ground of 114 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. deception. The jockey refused, alleging that neither loss of wind, or of an eye, was the fault of the horse, but his misfortune ; and therefore when he denied his having any fault, he practised no deception whatever. More over, he snapped his fingers at me in defiance. This was in my opinion a proper occasion to resort to the perfection of reason for redress. I accordingly in voked the shade of my uncle, and commenced taking my first practical lesson in the common law, by bring ing a suit against the jockey. I cannot describe my feelings on this first occasion of applying to the grand tribunal of human reason I looked upon myself as now exercising the highest privilege that could possibly fall to the lot of humanity, and entered the court with the awe of a young devotee for the first time kneeling at the shrine of his patron saint. Being somewhat addicted to blushing, which our lecturer assured us was always a sign of a bad cause, I employed on this occasion a law yer, who was seldom, if ever, guilty of that legal enor mity. The jury being called and sworn, the trial com menced. I proved all I thought necessary, namely, that I had paid the full price of a good horse, and got one that was good for nothing. I was satisfied that in the eye of the perfection of reason this would of course be deemed a case of deception, if not fraud. But I was mistaken with a vengeance the perfection of reason was not so easily satisfied. I was cross-questioned for three-quar ters of an hour by a fellow that had the throat and the impudence of ten brazen trumpets, until I began to doubt whether I had actually bought a horse or a cow. I fell into a horrible perspiration. As the trial pro ceeded, I found this was not by any means so clear a case as I imagined. Common sense, to be sure, would have been perfectly satisfied that I had been cheated ; but in the eye of common law and the perfection of reason it appeared exquisitely doubtful. The difficulty THE PERFECTION OF REASON. Il5 was in finding out whether I had in fact received a war ranty for the horse. My lawyer insisted that paying the full price of a good horse was presumptive proof of war ranty no man in his senses would wilfully give as much for a horse he knew to be bad as for a good one. The brazen trumpet then attempted to prove me out of my senses, at the same time stoutly maintaining, that by the perfection of reason every man had a right to the benefit of his superior knowledge in making a bargain. He has a right, too, to keep secret every fact that may operate to his disadvantage. " Jlccusare nemo se debet nisi coram cZeo," cried he ; "no man is obliged to accuse himself or his horse." " Ignorcmtia facti excusat" exclaimed my champion ; " my client was ignorant of the facts of blindness and broken wind." " Ignoranlia non excusat legem" brayed he of the trumpet " Commimis error facit jus," retorted my lawyer. " Lord Raymond is on our side, in addition to whose high authority I have four chief-justices, one baron in eyre, and equity besides in our favour. " A fig for equity common law has nothing to do with it," brayed the trumpet. " Li omnibus quidem maxime tamcn, in jure dlequitas est," exclaimed our side " precedents innumerable in our favour." " Pish ! Judicandum est legibus non exemplis," ojioth trumpet " Caius, Ulpian, Tribonian." " St. Thomas Aquinas." " The French judges on our side." "The English judges on ours." " Do unto others as you would they should do unto you." "That s not law." " No, but its gospel." 116 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. " The opposite counsel must be hard run for law, your honours, when he is obliged to resort to gospel." " Omne actum ab agentis intentione est Judicandiim," said our side. " CAVEAT EMPTOR !" answered the brazen trumpet. This did our business at that awful annunciation my counsel was struck dumb, and word spake never more the judge nodded approbation Caveat emptor carried the day the jury gave a verdict in favour of the jockey, and my horse, being thus legally reinstated in the possession of his eye and his wind, was left on my hands as an excellent purchase. I must acknowledge this decision a little undermined my faith in the common law, as, in addition to a bad horse on my hands, I had a bill of costs to pay besides. However, impressions of long growth and standing are not worn away at once. To be sure, law was, I found, rather an expensive article. But, after all, it is the price that constitutes the value of a thing in the common esti mation, and it is doubtful whether the ignorant would not come to despise the law if they could get it for nothing. Upon the whole, I continued to cherish a pro found devotion for the perfection of reason. This devotion was, however, destined to receive an other shock, in consequence of a very trifling affair, which, however, cost me no small expense and vexation. It happened that one clay, being in immediate want, I called in at a shop, picked out a pair of ready-made boots, paid for them the full price, and ordered them to be sent home. After wearing them a day or two, they went to pieces, the leather and workmanship being equally bad. Upon the cobbler absolutely refusing to take back the boots and return the money, or make any other satisfaction, I again resorted to the great tribunal of human reason. I was certain the law was on my side on this occasion, for I had witnessed not long before a decision on a case which I believed exactly parallel, THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 117 in which the buyer had recovered. I employed the same lawyer, who, as ill luck would have it, was again opposed by him of the brazen trumpet. To make all sure, the boots were produced in open court, and admitted on all hands to be utterly infamous. Even the opposite counsel could say nothing in their behalf. But he had a great deal to say for all that He produced six maxims, in good law-latin in his favour ; but as my counsel matched him with six more on our side,, that account was pretty well balanced. We then quoted opinions and decisions without number, showing there was always an implied warranty where a fair price was given for a pair of boots. The opposite side de nied that this was law ; and to ft they went, tooth and nail, marshalling Grotius, Wolf, Puffendorf, Ulpian, Pa- pinian, and Tribonian, Hale, Holt, Mansfield, Thurlow, and Ellenborough, against each other ; for, however strange it may seem, the perfection of reason is pre cisely what the most reasonable people differ about in toto. There was a bloody battle of words between them, and all about a pair of bad boots that nobody denied were bad. " Tis contrary to reason that a man should pay for what is worth nothing," said we. " Reason has nothing to do with the question," said the other. * Law is the perfection of reason and the perfec tion of reason is to be honest." " I appeal to the court if that is law." The court decided it was not law. " Tis reason and philosophy- Socrates says thai the principles of all law are founded in philosophy." " Pooh ! Socrates was no lawyer." " But he was a sage of antiquity." " Yes, but he was not a sage of the law ; and as for antiquity, they had no books of reports, and how should they know any thing of the law ? 118 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. " But for all that," said my counsel, " Lord Mans field calls Socrates " the great lawyer of antiquity. " "The d 1 he does I beg pardon of the hon ourable court but really my surprise Lord Mansfield says so why, thenHhere is something in it. He was a sage of the law. I submit to the definition of So crates, and my learned friend is welcome to all he can make of it." The two combatants, each in his turn, read a number of opinions and cases from a pile of books as high as a man s head, each differing from the other so completely that I was at that moment seriously inclined to compare the law to Hydra, with its hundred heads, each uttering a different language. What, however, surprised me most was that the opinions of our own judges seemed to be of little or no authority. Whence I concluded that human reason was not quite so perfect here as in England, and elsewhere. I began to be weary of all this turmoil about my boots, and fairly wished them in the Red Sea. " May it please the court," said I, with due submis sion, " I thought I came here to be judged by a court and jury of my own fellow-citizens, and not by Grotius, Papinian, or my lord chief-justice of England, whom I don t wish to trouble about such a small affair. To cut the matter short, if the counsel on both sides will say no more about it, we will put the law quite out of the ques tion, and leave it to the jury to say whether the boots were bad or not." " That is impossible," said the judge, " the law must take its course now, and the cause be decided secundun artem. Go on, gentlemen." " Facilis descensus," said the brazen trumpet, wink ing at my counsel. Away they tilted again, and the desperate battle of the books was renewed with greater vigour than ever. Common law, civil law, and statute law took the field in THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 119 the armour of a thousand words, and long before the contest ended, neither myself nor the jury, such is the perfection of reason, could tell what was law, or what was reason or whether there were any such things in the world. Law maxims flew about like hail, and, as it appeared to me, quite as much at random, for I confess I could not make out the application of some of them. " Velutas pro lege semper habetur," said the brazen trumpet ; " it has always been the custom to sell bad boots, and that is common law." " Quid leges sine moribus vanae proficiunt ? What are laws without morals ? as Horace says." " Horace was a jack-pudding the learned counsel is irrelevant." " Ubi jus incertum ibi just nuUum uncertain law is no law." " Tot homines quot sentential every man has a differ ent opinion of his own." " Semel malus semper prazsumitur esse mains your client has often cheated before." " CAVEAT EMPTOR !" I began to tremble, and so did my counsel. Never theless he would not give up the ghost but faintly re joined " JEquitas sequitur legem." " CAVEAT EMPTOR !" " Jlclus legis nulli facit injuriam," said we, still fainter and fainter. " CAVEAT EMPTOR !" brayed the trumpet, with a blast that carried all before it. My counsel, after gain ing a little breath, said he committed his cause to the court and jury. The judge then addressed the jury, as nearly as I can recollect, as follows : " Gentlemen of the Jury, " There are four kinds of law, the civil law, the canon law, the statute law, and the common law. Three 120 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. of these are decidedly against the defendant, but the fourth-, which is the perfection of reason, is, fortunately for him, at least one-half on his side. It is true, the other half is against him, but of that I make no account, since it appears sufficiently evident from the authorities produced by the learned counsel for the defendant, that the half of the law which is against him does not apply to the present case. M Gentlemen, law is the perfection of reason, and, of course, nothing but a perfect reason can comprehend it, It is, therefore, not to be wondered at that there should be so many different opinions as to what law is. It is also a rule of action but every rule has its exceptions, and in some cases the exceptions arc very often too strong for the rule. Law, gentlemen, I speak of com mon law, is also the wisdom of ages ; but, as might rea sonably be inferred from experience, the wisdom of one age being the folly of another, and the wisdom of differ ent nations altogether different in kind and degree, there is much difficulty in defining exactly what is the wis dom of ages. That it is the common law is certain, but nobody can tell exactly what is the common law. It is best defined as the perfection of reason. " Nevertheless, gentlemen of the jury, there is not that uncertainty in the rules of the common law that might be inferred from these observations. Various judges decide in various ways, and upon various grounds. Sometimes we go according to Lord Coke ; sometimes according to Lord Hardwicke ; sometimes according to Lord Mansfield sometimes according to law and sometimes, but very rarely, according to our own conscience and judgment of the case before us. Now, in this case, gentlemen of the jury, conscience has nothing to say it must be quiet, and refrain from interfering in the deliberations of the court, and the de cision of the jury. It is a question of common law and not of justice or equity. It is not for us to inquire THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 121 whether the boots were bad boots, or whether in con science or in honesty the maker ought to take them back again ; but whether the great maxim which lies at the root of the common law, of Caveat emptor, applies to this particular case. Gentlemen, the buyer is bound to beware in all purchases, and most especially in purchas ing from persons of bad character. It appears, by the testimony of credible persons, that the defendant is noto rious for selling bad boots. Now if a person will deal with a tradesman of bad character, it is his own fault if he is taken in. The fault, in the eye of the common law, is, not in the seller for being a rogue, but in the buyer, for not governing himself by the maxim Caveat emptor, and taking care of himself, more especially on this particular occasion. " But we will admit, for the sake of argument, and not with any view to weaken the cause of the defendant in this suit that he is a man of fair character. Still, gentlemen of the jury, this would furnish no" justifica tion to the plaintiff in disregarding the great maxim of Caveat emptor; since the common law, which is the per fection of reason, goes upon the supposition that every man, whatever may be the character he bears in society, is a rogue in grain, and therefore, in dealing with all men it is necessary to bear in mind that Caveat emptor. Hence it is absolutely requisite, that in all purchases the buyer should procure a warranty, in order to guard against this presumption of the common law. If he neglect this he cannot pretend to recover damages for any fraud or deception, except in particular cases. " In purchasing, for instance, a pair of ill-made boots, the whole question of fraud or deception turns upon the fact whether the shoemaker took measure of him for that particular pair of boots or not. If he did, the com mon law holds that this taking measure amounts to a warranty, and the buyer is released from all responsi bility to Caveat emptor. If, on the contrary, no mea- 11 F 122 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. sure was taken, the bootmaker, however bad may be hia boots, is exonerated from all blame and responsibility in the eye of the common law. And this distinction, gen tlemen of the jury, is manifestly founded in the perfec tion of reason and the wisdom of ages. The mere act of measuring a man for a pair of boots is, in the eye of the common law, in the nature of a covenant with warranty. And why? a shoemaker s measure is either of parchment or paper if of parchment the cov enant and warranty is the stronger. Now, gentlemen of the jury, it cannot be necessary to apprize you, that all covenants are written either on parchment or paper, and according to the reasoning of the common law, the substance or material made use of in measuring a man for a pair of boots, being the same with that used in all covenants, it follows, from analogy, that it is in the nature of a covenant with warranty. This is one ground, therefore, on which the law makes so wide a distinction between being measured for a pair of boots and pur chasing the boots without being measured. Another ground of distinction is this. The presumption is, that when a man buys a pair of ready-made boots of bad quality, without having been measured for them, that these boots were actually made for another person, or at least not expressly for him. The intention, therefore, of the maker was not to cheat him but some other pur chaser. All that can be said is, that a bad bargain lay in his way, and he found it. There was no intention to defraud him especially, and therefore, in the eye of the common law, no fraud was practised towards him indi vidually. The buyer in this case has clearly no right to redress for an injury not originally intended against him, but some one else. It is like an unintentional blow, which it is not lawful for him to resent, and it is in the nature of a sort of Quixotic career, to undertake resenting wrongs or redressing injuries intended for other people. THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 123 M There is another light, gentlemen of the jury, in which the conduct of the defendant is justified in the eye of the perfection of reason. It is held that every man is permitted to make a fair use of his superior sa gacity and knowledge, and that ignorance is no ground on the part of the buyer for setting aside a covenant. The ignorant, indeed, are apt in the extreme to confound this exercise of superior sagacity and knowledge with downright fraud and deception. But in the eye of the common law, and consequently in that of reason, there is a wide and manifest distinction between deceiving an ignorant man by superior knowledge and deceiving him wilfully. " Knowledge, gentlemen of the jury, is a quality of which a man cannot divest himself at pleasure. It is impossible for a wise man to be ignorant, or to refrain from making use of his wisdom. If, then, by an invol untary exercise of his knowledge of facts, of value, of defect, or of quality in an article, he deceives one igno rant of all these, and makes a good bargain out of him, in the eye of the common law, which is the perfection of reason, this is but the natural and inevitable conse quence of the eternal and irreversible distinction between knowledge and ignorance. As well might you expect the stronger animal to yield to the weaker in a contest of strength, as knowledge to yield to ignorance in a contest of bargaining. The more knowing man therefore does not deceive the other wilfully, which constitutes the essence of every offence, but simply because he cannot help it if he would. Physicians are punished for being fla grantly ignorant of their profession, and people that choose to make bargains without knowing any thing about it must take the consequences. " The law in this case, gentlemen of the jury, is, that the plaintiff, not being measured for his boots, there is no implied warranty. The defendant is therefore to be considered as having merely made a legal use of his F2 124 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. superior knowledge of boots, and the complaint of the plaintiff must be dismissed with costs. You will find this laid down distinctly in Twigg vs. Twist, and innu merable other cases. The principle may in fact be said to be settled on the immutable basis of common law, common sense, and common justice." The jury were so convinced of the soundness of these principles that they gave a verdict against me with out leaving the court. One of them, it is true, made me an apology afterward. " We were convinced you had been cheated abominably but the law was against you, and what could we do, my good friend]" "I don t know, not I," replied I, hardly knowing what I said, for, to confess the truth, I began to be strangely bewildered in the fathomless profundity of the perfection of reason. It was three days before I got rid of a strange buzzing in my head, and came to any tolerable perception of the distinction between right and wrong. Indeed, I am free to confess that this argument of the judge has ever since strangely confused me, so that, to this day, I am apt to mistake the voice of the law for the whisperings of con science ; and to confound the latitude allowed by the former with the restrictive morality of the latter. The continuation of my story will furnish more than one ex ample of this. This last decision in the matter of the boots made me for some time rather shy of the perfection of reason, and I came to a resolution, like some quarrelsome per sons who get winged once or twice in a duel, never to go to law again, except on the defensive. But it was not long before my habitual confidence in the common law, together with the last advice of my good uncle, again made me the victim of Caveat emptor. It happened about this time that an agricultural so ciety was instituted among us, and I became a member, having a landed estate in the neighbourhood. In order to prove myself worthy of my station, I went largely into THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 125 the improvement of the breed of horses, and purchased several fine ones from time to time. One day a fellow brought me a most beautiful animal, which he presented to me as a full-blooded horse, with a pedigree equal to a first-rate legitimate monarch. After a good deal of chaffering I purchased him at a great price, and the ex hibition of the society happening the next morning, pre sented the animal, in the full expectation of bearing off the prize for the best horse in the county. You may guess my astonishment and mortification when the com mittee of investigation solemnly decided that my horse was a mare. They all burst into a roar of laughter the story circulated through the fair with prodigious . ra pidity, and there was a universal giggle that shook the very firmament. I was quizzed to death, and to this day the story is regularly told at the anniversary dinner of our society. I was mortified to the bone, and deter mined on once more appealing to the perfection of rea son, in spite of Caveat emptor, of whom, by this time I began to stand in great awe. A fraud so open and pal pable, I was assured, could not be sheltered even behind his sevenfold shield. I could not rest a moment till I had brought this rogue to condign punishment which was very unfortunate, for, under various pretences, he managed to keep off the suit for two years so that I lost two years sleep, in addition to being the laughing stock of the society. But for all this, there is no doubt that the maxim, dilationes in lege sunt odiosce, is as true as the gospel. My uncle believed it, and so did I. But time brings all things about at last. Time gives and time takes away time strengthens, time weakens time builds up, and time pulls down time brings us into the world, and time takes us out of it time, in fact, does every thing it can even put an end to a lawsuit. My uncle used to dwell with rapture on the sublime gravity of the law, and of those by whom it was admin istered. But I am bold to say that on this occasion 128 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. there was not much to be said in favour of either* However, as usual, I proved the sex of the animal, and the fact of her being imposed on me for a horse. This seemed all that was material to a decision of the case, and I remained a few moments quietly expecting a charge from the judge to the jury, denouncing most ex emplary damages for the injury done to my character and feelings, as well as a restitution of the purchase- money. So sure was I of the justice of my cause that I had not employed any counsel. This was a great oversight, since experience has taught me that justice is blind, and of course requires a lawyer to direct her. By this omission of mine she fell into the hands of the opposite counsel, who led her astray entirely from my interests. His address to the jury was, as nearly as I can recollect, as follows : " Gentlemen of the Jury : The plaintiff in this suit, relying, it would seem, on the justice of his cause, has omitted to employ counsel, and thereby set a most mis chievous example to the world. He has, in effect, com mitted a fraud, by withholding from some worthy mem ber of the profession the fee to which his labours in the acquirement of legal knowledge have justly entitled him. Gentlemen, you are bound to discourage this dangerous example by an exemplary verdict, if it be only on the ground that, should it become general, you will in future be deprived of the benefits of legal disquisition, and left, as it were, alone in the wilderness of the law, with no other guides to a just decision, but the feeble and un certain lights of reason and conscience. " Gentlemen of the jury, the case on which you are now to decide is one of extreme intricacy, although to the eyes of superficial persons it may appear as clear as the sun. Indeed, it is a common and fatal error to suppose that justice, law, and equity can possibly be apparent to reason and conscience at the first glance. Justice, gentlemen, is represented as blind, and for what THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 127 reason? To indicate that she cannot see, except through the magic spectacles of the law, upon the noses of the learned counsel. Law, gentlemen, is represented as a bottomless pit, and why ? To indicate metaphorically, that profound depth and obscurity which baffles the visual organs of uninspired people. Common law, gentlemen, what is it 1 It is the sublime of incomprehensibility it is the philosopher s stone, which has baffled the wisdom and researches of ages it is nothing, it is every thing it is here, there, everywhere, and nowhere. Sometimes it is the conscience of the judge, and sometimes of the jury sometimes it is the voice of the dead, and sometimes of the living it comes from the mouldering tomb, and from the judge s bench it is sometimes in the head, and sometimes in the heart in short, it is an ethereal essence, eluding the senses, and sporting before the imagination a mysterious, inexplicable, indefinable, and invisible guide, that takes us by a hand which we cannot feel, leads us by a light which we cannot see, to a consummation utterly incomprehensible ! I beg par don for this digression, gentlemen of the jury, to which I have been tempted by my veneration for the most sublime and mysterious of all sciences, and my desire of warning you against indulging the common vanity of supposing that the case is perfectly clear because it ap pears so to you. I trust, if you will honour me with a portion of your serious attention, I shall ere long con vince you that it is one of the most difficult and com plicated cases on which the wit of man was ever called upon to decide. It is the error of ignorance to make up its mind quickly it is the province of learning to pre serve the judgment in that salutary equilibrium of doubt and uncertainty which keeps us from deciding at all, for fear of deciding wrong. " Gentlemen of the jury, the question does not turn upon a mare or a horse, nor upon the fact of the animal being purchased by the plaintiff for one thing and turning 128 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. out to be another. All this, I say, has nothing to do with the question. The question is, whether there was fraud in the contract or not, and to this I shall con fine my argument. Gentlemen of the jury, there are cases of fraud, and cases of deception there are intrin sic defects and extrinsic defects that, under circum stances, may vitiate a contract. Intrinsic defects are different from extrinsic defects, and extrinsic defects are different from intrinsic ones. Intrinsic defects are such as may not appear externally, and therefore they may be made legal grounds for a presumption of fraud. Ex trinsic defects, on the contrary, are such as address themselves immediately to the h ve senses, and are ob vious at first sight. In order, therefore, that the plain tiff may entitle himself to relief in the present case, it is , necessary for him to prove that he was blind at the time of making the purchase. If he was not blind, he must of necessity have perceived the difference between a mare and a horse, and having so perceived it, if he pur chased with his eyes open, he purchased wilfully, and cannot plead deception. He became, in fact, a party in the fraud. " Gentlemen of the jury, there are frauds so mon strous as to amount to no frauds at all deceptions so gross, open, and palpable as to argue, either wilful co operation on the part of the person said to be deceived, or a total deprivation of the organ of making bargains. In such cases it is necessary for the person aggrieved, and seeking relief at the hands of justice, to prove him self either non compos, or so near it as to come within the statute of imbecility. The plaintiff has neither done one nor the other ; on the contrary, he affects to be learned in the laws, and a judge of horses, although I must take leave to say that he is not very profound in either. Upon the whole, gentlemen of the jury, there is no ground for the charge of deception urged against my client. The fraud would be too monstrous for THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 129 human credulity ; it is, as I said before, too great for a fraud. " But, gentlemen of the jury, we will suppose, for the sake of argument, the plaintiff in this suit is not only blind, but actually non compos. We will suppose him, moreover, a notorious swindler, pickpocket, and cheat we will moreover suppose him a person who has mur dered his father, mother, uncle, aunt, and several others of his nearest relatives we will, in addition to this, suppose " I could stand this no longer " I beg pardon of the court," said I, " but the gen tleman has no right to suppose any such thing." " What, not for the sake of argument ? I appeal to the court, whether it is not an allowable fiction of law, to suppose, for the sake of argument, any person we please a rogue." The judge decided that fictions of law and argumenta tive suppositions were allowable, and the counsel pro ceeded " As I was saying, gentleman of the jury, when the gentleman thought proper to interrupt me we will sup pose but, as I perceive these suppositions are not relished by the gentleman, whose conscience seems a little sensitive on these points we will suppose, gentle men of the jury, for the sake of argument, that one half of you were non compos, and the other half utterly inca pable of distinguishing a mare from a horse. Suppose further, for the sake of argument, that one half of you were intoxicated at this present moment, and the other half asleep. Or suppose, gentlemen of the jury, for the sake of argument, that you were a low-bred, uneducated, ignorant, obstinate, dirty " Here one of the jurymen, a stout, hard-featured fel low, with little of the polish of any court but a court of law, started tip and exclaimed in a passion " I ll tell you what, Mr. Lawyer, if you go on insulting F3 130 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. the jury with your suppositions, dam me if I don t knock you down for the sake of argument." The counsel was rather alarmed at this formidable threat ; but the privilege of supposition was too dear to his profession, and too essential to a long speech to be easily given up. " Will the court permit itself to be insulted in this manner V 1 said he. Shall a counsel be interrupted in the regular discharge of his duty to his client ? I throw myself upon the protection of the court, and appeal to your honour, whether I have exceeded the reasonable line of discussion allowed to counsel." His honour decided that he had not, and threatened to commit the juryman for contempt. " Go on, Mr. Quodlibet." Mr. Quodlibet proceeded " As the gentlemen of the jury (at least one of them) seem not inclined to lend a favourable ear to my suppo sitions, I will take the liberty of supposing, for the sake of argument, that your honour is a judge who brings nothing to the bench with him but a superficial know ledge of the quips, quibbles, and quiddities of the law. I will further suppose for the sake of argument that your honour is a man so utterly ignorant of those sublime distinctions that mark the difference the eternal and im passable separation between the two sexes, as not to know a horse from a mare. I will further suppose for the sake of argument that your honour is entirely destitute of the faculties of seeing, hearing, tasting, smell ing, and feeling that you are neither mens sana nor cor- pore sano that you are in short for the sake of argument a miserable, ignorant, conceited, supercilious pettifogger, destitute of every faculty, but that of citing exploded decisions, and applying them to wrong cases that for the sake of argument you are a mere parrot, saying only what you have learned by rote an echo, repeating nothing but eternal repetitions that " At each of these suppositions, his honour became more and more uneasy in his seat he looked this way, THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 131 and he looked that he blew his nose, wiped his face, coughed and hemmed but it came to be too hot at last, and he could no longer stand the cross fire of these sup positions. " Really, Mr. Quodlibet, I don t see I really, sir, it appears to me that your suppositions have nothing to do with the question before the court and jury. I can not sit still and permit this line of discussion. Be pleased to confine your remarks to the case in hand. Really, sir, I don t like to hear myself abused, even for the sake of argument." " Why, may it please your honour," rejoined Coun sellor Quodlibet, with a low bow " what can I do ? The plaintiff has come here with malice prepense he has brought no counsel into court, and has offered no argument in his case. I must therefore either suppose he has argued the question, and oppose a speech that has never been made or I must suppose a case and argue that or 1 must say nothing, which is a case not to be found in any of the books. Will your honour per mit me to suppose that the plaintiff has actually offered an elaborate argument in this case, and answer it ac cordingly ] I must either suppose a case, or suppose an argument." * Any thing you please, Mr. Quodlibet, so you don t suppose me an ignoramus, or a rogue." Mr. Quodlibet then went on with increasing anima tion, seemingly resolved to demolish the shadowy coun sel and his imaginary speech. " Gentlemen of the jury, the opposite counsel, or rather the plaintiff in this suit, has asserted that a mare is a horse." " May it please the court, I asserted no such thing." " Well, then, gentlemen of the jury, the plaintiff in this suit has ignorantly affirmed that a cow and a bull are synonymous." " I deny it, may it please the court." " Well, then, gentlemen of the jury, the plaintiff in 132 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. this suit has founded his claim to a verdict upon the pre posterous assumption that the law was expressly de vised to protect the weak, the ignorant, and the inex perienced against the violence and fraud of the strong and the cunning. Now, I affirm directly the contrary I say, gentlemen of the jury, the law, whatever may have been its original intention, is now principally di rected to the object of securing to the cunning and experienced of this world the fruits of that knowledge and sagacity to which in the eye of reason they are justly entitled. The law, at least the common law, as it is now quite settled by the decisions of the English judges, rests upon the principle, that the weak and the ignorant are naturally, and therefore properly, the prey of the strong and the cunning, as much so as the weaker and less wary birds and beasts are of the more wily and powerful. In a state of nature, strength and courage constitute right ; in a country governed by the perfec tion of reason, superior knowledge, sagacity, and cun ning. Hence originates the great maxim of Caveat emptor (here I began to quake) a maxim, gentlemen, which inculcates upon the purchaser of any article what ever the necessity of wariness, deliberation, examina tion, and suspicion which says to him, if he makes a bad bargain it is his own fault that if he is ignorant, it is his own fault that if he is cheated, it is his own fault and that, to sum up all in one word, * CAVEAT EMPTOR. " His honour, after a charge of three-quarters of an hour, in which he told the jury what the law was not, at least twenty times, omitting at the same time to tell what it was, ended, so far as I can recollect, nearly as follows : " Gentlemen of the jury, to conclude the case mainly turns, after all, upon two points first, whether a fraud may be so great, impudent, brazen, and enormous as actually to lose its character, and become something THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 133 else. Secondly, whether, in the eye of the common Jaw, a mare is synonymous with a horse a horse with a mare. " As to the first point, I know of no case, nor any decision bearing directly upon it, by which to be gov erned. I regret this, because I am thus under the unpleasant necessity of being obliged to resort to my own judgment to decide ; a course extremely trouble some and inconvenient, and savouring of vanity. For tunately, however, there is a decision in some one of the books, of a certain court of judicature in the kingdom of Brobdignag, which, in the absence of all other prece dent, I shall rely on in this case. It was there solemnly decided that a man might be actually too little for a dwarf. Arguing from the analogy of the two cases, I am inclined to believe, that if a man may be too little for a dwarf, so may a fraud be too great for a fraud. Now, gentlemen, it is almost impossible to conceive a more impudent, gross, and prodigious deception, than to sell a mare for a horse to a person having the use of his eyes. It is, in fact, so gross a fraud, that it is quite im possible to believe the defendant intended it for a fraud. When a human being gets beyond a certain size, he is no longer called a man but a giant ; so when a fraud is committed of an enormous magnitude, it ceases to be a fraud it is a misnomer to call it a fraud, and the plain tiff would be non-suited upon that ground, if there were no other. " Touching the second point, gentlemen of the jury, there is no doubt that in ordinary acceptation, a mare is a horse, but it is not quite so clear that a horse is a mare. The horse, gentlemen, or, as he is called in the Latin tongue, Equus, gave name to the equestrian order in Rome, which was so called from riding on horseback. Now, gentlemen, there can be little doubt that many of these equestrians rode upon mares, yet they were called indiscriminately horsemen. I am therefore inclined to 12 134 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. believe that mare and horse were considered as synony mous at that time. This is, however, opposed to the maxim, that though a mare is a horse, a horse is no mare, which, being a common saying, whereof the memory of man runneth not to the contrary, is of equal authority with the common law, which cometh from we know not where. If you believe, gentlemen, that a mare is a horse, you will find a verdict for the defendant if you believe, on the other hand, that a mare is not a horse, you will find a verdict for the defendant on the ground that the enormity of the fraud makes it no fraud at all if you believe, however, that a fraud is a fraud, however gross and palpable, you must still find a ver dict for the defendant, on the ground that CAVEAT EMPTOR." I never heard this \vord that it did not sound to my ears like the croaking of the prophetic raven, or the screeching of the ominous owl. The jury gave a ver dict for the defendant, with costs of suit, out of due re spect for Caveat emptor, and all I gained by the perfec tion of reason was a bill of costs a yard long, and the laugh of the universe. I was, however, a little con soled, when an honest neighbour told me I had certainly the most extraordinary team in the world " a sound horse that was blind of an eye and broken- winded and a mare that had been miraculously metamorphosed into a horse by the magic of the common law." Never, surely, was a man so jilted by his beloved as I was by the common law. This last decision, which established the doctrine that a mare was a horse, and a fraud no fraud, almost drove me mad, and could I have conveniently found a country where there was no such thing as law, I think I should certainly have sought it at that time. In truth, these decisions, coming thus one upon the back of another, at first gave me a mortal distaste to the law, particularly the common law, with Caveat emptor at its head. But when again I reverted to the THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 135 authority of so many sages, all agreeing in pronouncing it the perfection of reason, I was thrown into the di lemma of being obliged either to acknowledge the per fection of the common law, or to confess myself an ass. I was never, in truth, very confident in my own opinions, and yielding to the authority of great names, and early impressions, I at length came to the conclusion that the sense of justice, the suggestions of conscience, and the moral feeling by which it is supposed men may almost instinctively decide upon what is right and what is wrong, were so many jack-a-lanterns when put in com parison with the steady light of the perfection of reason. In short, I no longer depended in the direction of my conduct upon my perceptions of moral justice. I con sidered the perfection of reason as the only true guide, and yielded implicit submission to Caveat emptor, firmly believing, that if I could only get him on my side, I might cheat, swindle, and deceive with perfect impunity, and in strict conformity, not only with the wisdom of ages, but the perfection of reason. You will perhaps wonder at this conclusion ; but I am clearly of opinion that many an honest man has been made a rogue, by being disappointed in his search after justice at the shrine of the common law, and many a one perverted by its equivo cal maxims. It is too much in the nature of man, I fear, to convert decisions against him, which his own innate sense of right teaches him are immoral in their tendency and unjust in their principles, into a warrant for the indulgence of his own evil propensities. Un questionably, he who has frequently appealed in vain to the law for redress in cases where his own conscious ness taught him he was right, will be more apt, ever afterward, to study what is law, than what is right, and square his morality accordingly. At least, it was so with me, and I have no hesitation in confessing that at one time of my life I became little better than a rogue, 136 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. merely through the seductions of Caveat emptor, and the perfection of reason. While I was, however, wavering between my early impressions of morality, and the temptations of the com mon law, I was unexpectedly called upon to act on the defensive in an affair of much greater consequence than any of the preceding. This was a suit brought for the recovery of the estate, which I mentioned as having been gained by my uncle in a lawsuit, at least thirty years before. He had remained in quiet possession, and so had I, ever since ; I should as soon have expected a suit to turn me out of my skin, as out of my estate. How ever, a suit was brought, and by a man that had failed four times since we had possession given up all his property, or at least sworn he had done so and had never paid one-tenth of his honest debts. If he ever had any rights in the estate, they should, in the eye of justice, have belonged entirely to his creditors. These, however, were all dead or dispersed, and the gentleman had now a fair field. I was served with a declaration of war, which made my hair stand on end. First, I had entered by force of arms, and violently taken possession of this honest man s estate I had beaten him with staves, sticks, stones, and what-not, till he had scarcely a whole bone in his skin. Then I had not only got possession vi ct annis, but, not content with this, had actually cheated him out of it afterward. In fact, if I remember right, I had got possession in ten different ways. Nay, I did not stop here, rogue as I was. I had fraudulently, forcibly, and illegally kept possession, and forcibly, fraudulently, and illegally converted the proceeds of the said honest man s estate to my own use, profit, and behoof, fraudulently, forcibly, and illegally. Now I declare solemnly, there was not one word of truth in all this, yet it was no joke, I assure you. THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 137 After this first shot, my antagonist cited me to appear, defend myself, and make good my title. I appeared, ready armed with two great lawyers as squires of the body, but, as ill-luck would have it, a principal witness of the plaintiff was absent, and application was made to put off the trial. Dilationes in lege sunt odiosoe, said his honour, and granted the motion. The next term, I appeared as before and the trial was again postponed. In this way matters went on for five or six years, during which my opponent, under one pretence or other, put off the decision. The different judges never failed to quote dilationes in lege sunt odiosce but then they all granted the delay, odious as it was in the eyes of the perfection of reason. I begged of my counsel, as I was all this time kept in a state of agita tion and uncertainty, and could neither sell nor improve my estate, to bring matters to a close as quick as possible. They assured me this was out of the ques tion it rested with the plaintiff to bring his suit up when he pleased. " And how long can he delay it 1" " Till doomsday or until all his money is spent." " Dilationes in leges sunt ocfo osce," said I, shrugging up my shoulders. " To be sure they are," replied my counsel, with infinite gravity. " And so he can keep me in this state of uncertainty all my life ?" " Yea and you and your posterity for ever, to the hundredth generation." " And this is called the perfection of reason, when any wretch may thus keep the lawful possessor of prop erty as long as he pleases in this state of expense and suspense. This is the perfection of reason !" " Unquestionably it is as reasonable that you, who enjoy the sweets of possession, should suffer the fear of being turned out, as that he who endures the pain of 138 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. being out of possession, should enjoy the hope of get ting in. This is the perfection of equal justice." At length an aged person, upon whose recollection of the facts connected with the former history of the estate I had relied materially in maintaining my title, died. The very next term, the plaintiff was ready, and the trial came on. It was not the absence of one of his witnesses, but the presence of one of mine, that was so inconvenient to him. The trial occupied three days ; one in hearing testimony, and two in hearing speeches, which after all signified nothing, as it appeared. It was the cases cited that decided the question of right. My counsel cited Holt ; but he was knocked down by Chief- justice Buller, who butted him quite out of court. After this first round they took a little breath, and to it again. The opposite counsel cited Strange, and mine Espinasse, they quoted Fonblanque and we Dallas " Pish," said they, " this is only a dictum of one of our own judges." " Your honour will turn to page 116, vol. 112, Troutback vs. Sturgeon." " Four honour," cried we, " will please to turn to page 250, vol. 99, Crane vs. Pea cock." " Lord Coke says" " Lord Mansfield affirms, your honour, in the famous case of Cock-a-doodle ma nor, which settled the principle." This last blow ended the second round, and in fact decided the question in my favour. Lord Mansfield carried all before him, and our adversaries never held up their heads afterward. They gave in at the third round, with a faint effort at milling a little with Glanville, and a few of the old-school fancy. The judge was at last permitted to say a little for him self. In truth, I began to think he was to have nothing to do in the business, and that my cause was to be tried by the judges of England, not those of my own country. I have not sufficient recollection of his charge to repeat it, but I remember his decision turned altogether on the authority of Lord Mansfield. Such was his exemplary modesty, that he never intruded his own opinions, or THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 139 appeared to consult his own judgment. This seemed rather odd to me, although, I had by this time become pretty well accustomed to it. I could not help thinking that a plain man of good judgment and acquirements, who had heard all the testimony appertaining to this spe cial case, was better qualified to decide upon it, than even my Lord Mansfield, meaning no disrespect to his lordship who died long ago, and never dreamed of me, my adversary, or my cause. Thanks, however, to my lord, to whom I shall ever feel grateful, and who, I have no doubt, was a very clever fellow, I gained my suit, and rejoiced mightily in the laws, which were now entirely restored to my good graces. But I might have kept my joy for a better opportu nity. My honest friend was not satisfied, like me, with my Lord Mansfield s decision. He appealed to a su perior court ; but, luckily, Lord Mansfield reigned para mount there also, and again I was triumphant. It cost me all the proceeds of my estate that year though ; it was one of Pyrrhus s victories. My honest friend again appealed to a still higher court ; I thought there was no end to them. Here he kept me dangling for three years more, waiting, as he afterward boasted, for some new decision of an English judge, that should overthrow Lord Mansfield s doctrine, and turn it upside down. At length such a decision was made by a sage of the bench ; one, in fact, that seemed made exactly to suit his purpose. It was directly in the teeth of his lord ship, and unsettled the law of at least half a century. In charging the jury, his honour delivered himself to this effect : " Gentlemen of the Jury : The perfection and beauty of the law consists in this that it is not only a rule of action, but a rule which, being founded in the perfection of reason and the wisdom of ages, is not liable to those changes to which all else is subjected in this world. .Such is the stability of this rule of action, that a man 140 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. may at all times know the extent of his rights and his duties, and the course necessary for him to pursue in order to secure those rights and perform those duties. Law is, in fact, the result of the perfection of reason, based on the accumulated wisdom of ages. This may be most especially affirmed of the common law, which is expressly founded upon maxims and practices so ancient, that the memory of man runneth not to the contrary thereof. " Yet, gentlemen of the jury, certain self-sufficient persons, misled by that ignis-fatuus, common sense, have affected to lament, that notwithstanding this perfec tion of the common law, it is exposed to one very serious imperfection. In the lapse of ages necessary to pnn duce that perfect oblivion of the origin of any rule or custom which makes it amount to law, mankind have from time to time forgot what the custom actually is, and great doubts and uncertainties arise in consequence thereof. Thus, say these cavillers, though there is no doubt that the common law is really and truly the perfec tion of reason, if we could only rescue it perfectly from the obscurity of ages, yet, as it is, we must take it as we find it laid down by persons who differ continually from each other. The mischief, continue they, is, that such is the diversity, the waywardness, the pride, and the ob stinacy of human reason, that these oracles differ one among another, upon almost every principle of the com mon law. By this means, the common law, in effect, ceases to be a rule of action, since it is impossible to say that a dozen different rules can make one rule. " In order to decide upon these contradictory deci sions, different judges resort, not to their own opinions, but to the opinions and decisions of others. Some are of opinion, that as the whole force and authority of the common law is derived from its antiquity, it follows, that the people of these remote ages were wiser than those which succeeded them. As a matter of course, if this THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 141 position be correct, then the decisions of persons living the nearest to the sources and origin of the common law must be of the greatest authority in settling its prin ciples. They argue, that if those ages and sages which produced and expounded the doctrines and practice of the common law were not wiser or at least as wise as we are at present, it were best to discard it entirely, or so modify it as to make it comport with the wisdom of the present times. " Some, gentlemen of the jury, on the other hand, maintain a contrary doctrine in expounding the princi ples of the common law. They argue, that as it is a received axiom that every succeeding age is wiser than its predecessor, the probability is that it must produce wiser men in every science. Hence, it would seem to follow, say they, that those decisions which approach the nearest to our time should be most relied upon, in other words, that every succeeding decision is of weightier authority than the preceding one ; and conse quently that it operates somewhat in the nature of anew law, which abrogates the old. Among those who be lieve that human reason is every day becoming more perfect, I profess myself to be one, and of consequence I consider the latest decisions on points of law as un questionably the best. We prefer new fashions in dress, furniture, and other matters on account of their superior elegance ; and why should we not, in like manner, prefer new opinions ? There is, in fact, a fashion in science and literature as well as in every thing else ; and not to follow it is to depart from the spirit of the age. A man who should at this time of day believe in astrology and reject phrenology, would be considered quite as antedi luvian as one that should discard high capes and put on high ruffs. Were a physician to confine himself to the lessons of experience, and invent no new theories, he would never become president of a medical college and were a lawyer to found his practice on the simple 142 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. rules of a written code, it is almost a moral certainty that he would never grow rich. There would be an end to the glory of the profession, and the still more glo rious uncertainty of the law. " Gentlemen of the jury, it is a vulgar error to sup pose, because the common law is the perfection of rea son, that it is to remain stationary and unalterable. To be permanently perfect, it must be changing continually, in order to accommodate itself to the wisdom of the age, which, for the time being, is always the perfection of wisdom. Every thing new is undoubtedly an im provement upon the old. It may be objected, perhaps, to this doctrine that as the common law is a rule of action, it is indispensable that the rule should be known to all, and consequently that it should be permanent. This reasoning is entirely fallacious. In the first place, there is no necessity that a rule should be settled or per manent, to constitute it a rule. The moon changes every day, and yet nobody denies it to be a moon. No two years are exactly the same, and yet the seasons re main unalterable ; and no man continues unchanged to the end of his life, yet nobody denies that he is still the same man. So is the rule a rule, though it should alter every day of the year. The same fallacy is observable in the argument that a rule of action should necessarily be known to those who are expected to be guided by it in the common affairs of life. Such a doctrine, gentle men, would be fatal to the liberal and learned profes sions. Men are expected to get well, when they grow sick ; yet it is absolutely requisite to have physicians to cure them. They are, moreover, expected to be ac quainted with the laws which are to regulate their con duct ; yet it is necessary to have lawyers and judges to interpret them, which we all know is rather a difficult matter. If mankind were all virtuous there would be no need of preachers ; if they were all in good health there would be no occasion for doctors ; and if they were all THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 143 wise there would be no occasion for lawyers or judges for no man would ever go to law. " Gentlemen of the jury, I flatter myself I have now succeeded in establishing the following positions : First, that the common law is the perfection of reason, because it adapts itself to our reason, or our reason adapts itself to the common law. Secondly, that inas much as the common law derives its authority from its early adoption by our ancestors, it seems to follow, as a matter of course, that the latest decisions on it must be the most irrefragable. There is thus the wisdom of invention belonging to our ancestors, and the wisdom of improvement belonging to their descendants; both which, combined, constitute the perfection of reason. Thirdly, that though the law is a rule of action, there is no necessity that it should either be understood by every body alike, or indeed by anybody but gentlemen of the profession. Nor is it proper that even they should un derstand it exactly alike, for in that case the judges, in stead of having perhaps ten or a dozen different opinions to take their choice of, would be confined to one alone. Berides this, as two different opinions are necessary to a suit at law, if the rule were so simple and plain as to be comprehended by persons of ordinary understanding, there would be none but fools that would go to law, and that would destroy the dignity of the profession. Fourthly, that a rule of action need not be permanent to constitute it a rule, is instanced in the case of the moon, which, although not laid down in any of the books, is con clusive. " From these positions it results, gentlemen of the jury, that you will find a verdict for the plaintiff. I am free to confess, that had the decision of Lord Mansfield in the matter of the manor of Cock-a- doodle, been pos terior to that of my Lord-Chief-Justice Bridlegoose, I should have given an opinion directly to the contrary. The decision of Judge Bridlegoose, being the latest, is 144 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. certainly the best, as he has the advantage, not only of Lord Mansfield s, but his own wisdom besides, to direct him which is two to one at least. I acknowledge it is a hard case, gentlemen, a very hard case ; and I could almost wish J udge Bridlegoose had delayed his opinion till this suit was decided. The defendant has, how ever, his remedy at law. He can wait till a new opin ion comes out, in opposition to Judge Bridiegoose, and then commence a suit for the recovery of his property." What a pity Lord Mansfield had not been a little later in coming into the world ! I should have been a rich man probably to this day, in spite of the perfection of reason. As it was, I lost my estate, only because Judge Bridlegoose, unfortunately for me, had the last word. I would have appealed from this decision, but unluckily there was no court to appeal to ; we had got to the top of the ladder, and there was an end to the perfection of reason. This blow was soon followed up by another, and yet another, which, both together, left me destitute of every thing like real property in this world, if the word real can apply to any thing which lies at the mercy of the perfection of reason. In producing the papers neces sary to establish my right to the property of which I had been divested, in the manner just related, by the perfec tion of Judge Bridlegoose s reason, I unwarily exhibited two deeds relating to two other tracts of land of which my good uncle had been in possession I know not how long. It happened that one of these was without a seal, and the other did not specify that the conveyance was made to the purchaser, his heirs, and assigns for ever. The lawyer who examined them immediately scented a couple of exquisite lawsuits. He went to work, and after more than half a year s indefatigable research dis covered the heirs of the persons from whom my uncle derived his title. I was again accused, in technical phrase, of assault- THE PERFECTION OP REASON. 145 ing, beating, bruising, and maltreating some half a dozen men, women, and children, whom I had never seen, and of fraudulently keeping possession of prop erty which had descended to me through two or three generations. Formerly I should have smiled at these attempts to dispossess me, but I began to doubt whether, in the eye of the perfection of reason, there was such a thing as an indefeasible title even to the possession of a man s own head. Besides, I was horribly afraid that Judge Bridlegoose might have been giving another opin ion, that would do my business as effectually as the first. In the first of these cases the flaw in my title con sisted in the want of a seal to the deed of conveyance. There was no doubt as to the handwriting of the per son who made it ; but still it was contended that the ab sence of the seal rendered the whole a nullity. It was the seal, and not the handwriting, which verified the in strument. I produced receipts for the purchase, prov ing beyond doubt that a full and fair value was given and received, but all would not do. Even my own counsel had nothing to say in favour of my right. All argument was waived for once, and the judge gave his charge to the jury. I was rejoiced to see that he was a different person from the judge who had such a great opinion of Chief-justice Bridlegoose, but I soon found I had only got out of the frying-pan into the fire. His honour began " Gentlemen of the Jury : I cannot sufficiently con gratulate both myself and you, that we are here delib erating and deciding under the purest and most perfect system of laws with which any people were ever blessed ; a system combining the wisdom of our ances tors with that of our own a system happily character ized by the sages of the law, as the result of the expe rience of ages, and the perfection of reason. I speak, gentlemen, of the common law which is, I will ven ture to say I can hardly say what it is sometimes it 13 G 146 THE PERFECTION OF REASOIC. is one thing, sometimes another sometimes it is founded upon a rule, and sometimes upon exceptions to a rule sometimes it is defined, and sometimes it is not defined sometimes it is the product of ages of darkness, illustrated and explained by the wisdom of ages of light and sometimes it is the offspring of ages of light, mel lowed down, as it were, into an agreeable twilight, by the obscurities of ages of darkness. It is, in fact, gentle men, a chaos of wisdom and experience, out of which issues beauty and order, as did the fair creations of this harmonious universe. Even its inconsistencies and diversities may be justly said to contribute to its un equalled perfection. As in a concert, the different instru ments, all played by different persons, and the different voices attuned to different pitches, men, women, and children, counter, tenor, treble, and bass, all conduce to the nicest and most accurate harmony ; so do the dif ferent opinions of different judges and jurists adminis ter to the harmony, beauty, and perfection of the com mon law. " Another excellence peculiar to the common law is its capacity of adapting itself to times, changes, and circumstances, without any other violence than an occa sional departure from common sense a species of in stinct which the law holds in little respect. Hence we find it in one age one thing, in another age another thing; in the mouth of one judge it speaks one opinion, in that of another judge another opinion, according to the variations produced by time, the difference of cli mate, the wind, the fashion, and other modifying circum stances. Hence too, and this is another peculiar excel lence of the law, that let a man s case be apparently ever so bad, it is ten to one but he can find, somewhere or another, a decision of some court or judge that makes in his favour. This is what is meant by the law looking with equal eyes on all persons, and presuming every man to be innocent till he is found guilty. The THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 147 common law has, in fact, all the qualities of the famous pair of enchanted seven-league boots, which, it is re corded, fitted everybody, great and small, from little Hop-o -my-thumb to the great giant Blunderbore. " Gentlemen of the jury, the common law is, above all, venerable for its antiquity, a point on which I shall insist, particularly as it has a direct bearing upon this case. Its very essence consists in the obscurity of its origin, like the claim of many families to nobility. From this early origin arises the indispensable requirement of the common law, that a seal should be necessary to con stitute a legal conveyance of real property. The ne cessity of this will become sufficiently apparent when we consider the fact, that in those remote periods which produced that stupendous edifice of wisdom called the common law, not one in a thousand could either read or write. I leave it to you, gentlemen of the jury, to ex plain how it happened, as it did undoubtedly happen, that the perfection of wisdom should have originated in the perfection of ignorance. It is a severe reflection upon learning and refinement, certainly, that to this day they have not been able to improve upon this great work of ignorance and barbarity. However, this we must leave to inquirers in other places : until the English judges have decided upon this matter I shall hold my tongue. People that cannot write, or who consider writing be neath their dignity and rank, generally make their mark now-a-days, in the shape of a cross, to indicate, I im agine, that by this sacred symbol they pledge themselves to what they have thus signed. But in those early ages of the perfection of reason, it was the custom to affix a seal, bearing some legend or device, identifying it with the person to whose act or deed it was appended. This custom appears at least as ancient as the era of Solo mon, and thus far we can distinctly trace the antiquity of this peculiarity of the common law. Gentlemen, Solomon was a wise man, and must have had good rea- G2 148 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. sons for what he did. The seal of Solomon is fre quently alluded to in the Koran. In like manner, we find the ancient kings of Asia signifying their sovereign behests, by sending a person with their seal, as evidence of the orders he carried. To intrust a favourite with a seal in the days of Haroun Alraschid was to give into his hands the power of the whole empire of the caliphs. The custom, therefore, of affixing a seal is sanctioned by great names and long usages, the eternal basis of truth and justice. " The practice thus derived from the remotest anti quity subsists in the present age, in the law alone, the great depository of all the sacred relics of time and igno rance, preserved by the hallowed industry of the pro fession. I had like to have forgotten, however, to ob serve that the reasons on which it was founded have entirely ceased. In this country, at least, almost all persons of both sexes, who can ever be supposed in a situation to make conveyance of land, can write their names. If there should be occasionally a solitary in stance to the contrary, witnesses can always be obtained to sign their names, and thus verify the instrument. I will not deny, too, that the signature of a person in his own proper handwriting, properly attested by witnesses, and verified by a magistrate, is rather stronger evidence of authenticity than the mere affixing a seal. But this does not in reality render a seal less necessary, as a corroborative and security, in addition to the signatures. It is easy for a man to sign the name of another, and to imitate it with sufficient exactness for all the purposes of fraud ; but it is not so easy to get a wafer or bit of wax for a seal. The seal, therefore, is additional security that the instrument is genuine. Besides, if it were not so, the very tenor of the instrument is * wit ness my hand and seal: Now, if there is no seal, the conveyance asserts what is not true it presents on the THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 149 face of it a falsehood it is therefore a fraudulent con veyance, and must be set aside." The jury accordingly set it aside ; and thus was I deprived of my land, only because King Solomon and Haroun Alraschid, not being able or willing to write their names, signified their sovereign will by a seal. It is not for nothing that the most enlightened statesmen consider learning as so mischievous an ingredient in human affairs. If there had been no such villanous practice as that of writing of names, my unlucky con veyance would have had a seal to it, and I might have been in quiet possession of my land to this day. As it was, I lost it for lack of a wafer, or a little bit of wax, not worth a stiver. I confess I considered it rather a hard case, that I should lose one estate in consequence of one judge s veneration for the latest, and a second on account of another s veneration for the earliest practice under the common law. Well was it said that riches make unto themselves wings and fly away ; and if I am not mistaken, one of these wings is the common law. At least it was so with me. The very next day, as if to take me while I was going, the other cause came on for the farm that had only been conveyed to my uncle, and not to his heirs, as was undoubtedly intended by both parties. The amount of the purchase-money was acknowledged on all hands to be far too great to admit of the supposition that my uncle, who was at the time of purchasing almost seventy years old, contemplated only a life estate. Common sense offered another presumption hi my favour, in the fact that the property had never been ques tioned or claimed till the present moment, a lapse of more than a quarter of a century, by the adverse party. But these presumptions, although conclusive in the eye of common sense, were of no account in the estimation of the perfection of reason. The law was against me, and there was an end of the business. It was, more- 150 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. over, an old law, which, like old wine, ought always to take precedence. Moreover, it had been no doubt founded in the perfection of reason at some time or other, and though the reasons had long since ceased to exist, still the law remained, and it was the perfection of reason to retain the law, when the reason had passed away. It was unquestionably the misfortune of my ancestor that the conveyance was not full but CAVEAT EMPTOR ! Whenever I heard Caveat Emptor quoted, I knew it was all over with me, and quietly resigned myself to be dealt with according to the perfection of reason, which has decided, that if one man places con fidence in another, he forfeits all right to the protection of the common law. Thus it appeared to me that while the law inculcated morality, it upheld fraud an inconsis tency which could not but be highly injurious to the integrity of mankind. Th judge charged the jury, that though there was not the least doubt that the property was purchased in fee-simple for ever, and that it was both unjust and unreasonable to deprive me of it ; yet, as by the common law, which was undoubtedly the per fection of reason, I had no title to the possession, they must of necessity find against me. As by the common law, and indeed the law in general, a jury is considered as having no comprehension of any thing but matter of fact, a verdict was given against me, of course. The opposite party condoled with me on this untoward re sult ; but comforted me at the same time with the assurance that though he had an undoubted claim to the back rents, still he was too generous to bring it forward against me. Thus does the law visit the sins of the father upon the children to the third and fourth generation, and thus was I dispossessed of three estates, one after the other : the first, by the authority of my Lord-Chief-justice Bridlegoose, who was good enough to decide upon my case without my knowledge or consent the second, by THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 151 the inexcusable carelessness of one ancestor in omitting to have his deed sealed as well as signed and the third, because another of my ancestors forgot that in buying for himself he was not buying for his heirs. I think, however, I may say with perfect truth, that the trouble my losses gave me was nothing to the trouble I had to reconcile these decisions to the wisdom of ages and the perfection of reason. My perplexity was such that I fell sick, and for some time became actually de ranged in the attempt to bring about this hopeless re conciliation. In short, I fairly lost my wits in searching for the wisdom of ages and the perfection of reason in the inextricable labyrinth of the common law. When I recovered, I was told that during my temporary aliena tion of mind, I had delivered more than one legal opin ion, that would have done honour to a lord-chancellor. On my recovery, my thoughts naturally turned to the state of my affairs. What with the wisdom of ages, the perfection of reason, and Judge Bridlegoose, I had scarcely sufficient left for the support of a gentleman. I had a few thousands in the funds, but did not know how soon I should be deprived of these by the decision of Judge Bridlegoose, or some new luminary of the law that might spring up in foreign parts, to my utter con fusion and ruin. In casting about for the best means of retrieving my affairs, an opening seemed to present itself in the pursuits of commerce. I saw hundreds around me, apparently sporting in the sunshine of wealth, and risitig from nothing to the summit of opulence, as if by magic. I resolved to commence business upon the capital I had still left, and the experience I had ac quired in the common law. I flattered myself I under stood Caveat Emptor pretty well, and with it all the mys teries of bargaining. I must apologize for the transactions of that portion of my life upon which I am now entering. I confess, when I look back I am ashamed of it. But we have 152 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. covenanted to disguise nothing from each other, and I shall not spare myself. Thus much, however, I will offer in extenuation. I had been accustom d from my earliest youth to consider the common law, not only as the perfection of reason, but as the standard of moral obligation, the guardian of ignorance, the protector of weakness, and the shield of the oppressed. But I had appealed to it to avenge frauds committed upon me in vain, and I had been stripped of a large portion of my property, by decisions which my own reason, that guide and monitor which is the only true prompter of man s conscience, proclaimed were not only unjust, but absurd and ridiculous. These decisions had not only weakened my respect for the laws, but my perceptions of right and wrong. Awed by the authority of ancient usages, and great names to support them, I was often tempted to think that I had myself mistaken the immutable princi ples of morality and justice, and that the laws were, after all, the only unerring standard. In that case I had a right to make use of the experience I had so dearly pur chased, and to avail myself of the knowledge which had cost me so much. Heaven knows I had paid dear enough for it, and I thought I might exert it, agreeably to the precepts of the wisdom of ages and the perfection of reason. In fine, gentlemen, I believe it will too fre quently be found, that a man who often appeals in vain to the laws when his own reason and conscience teach him that his cause is just, or who suffers by their ope ration without any fault of his own, will be very apt either to take the law into his own hands, or revenge his injuries and disappointments, by converting his dear- bought experience into the means of repairing his losses at the expense of others. There is nothing perhaps which is so productive of violence and fraud as a gene ral want of confidence in the justice of the laws. I confess with shame and contrition that I entered into trade with a full resolution of making Caveat Emp- THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 153 tor pay back all it had deprived me of in the whole course of my life. I was not quite a rogue ; but I was suf ficiently so, I fear, to go to the full length morality of the common law and that is far enough, in all conscience. Preparatory to commencing business I determined to reduce my establishment, which, indeed, I had not the means of keeping up any longer. In the first place, I cast about how to dispose of, to the best advantage, my famous span of horses, which I was resolved to believe most firmly were not only both horses, but both per fectly sound and free from fault they having been so pronounced by the perfection of reason. By-the-way, gentlemen, my last purchase turned out a bad bargain in other respects, having all the obstinacy of her sex, and as many tricks as a monkey. There was an old lady, a neighbour of mine, very rich, and nearly blind, who had an old coachman half- blind himself, and so phlegmatic, that whenever he drove his mistress an airing, a pleasant, lively, talkative young lady of the neighbourhood w r as always invited to be of the party, to sit on the front seat, and keep him awake by incessant talking. In short, the lady was old, the coachman old, all the servants of the establishment so old that they had hardly one of the five senses in per fection the horses and carriage were old, and the cats and dogs so very old that they had outlived their in stincts, and lay down like the lion and the lamb, in peace together. This worthy old lady, hearing I was going to break up housekeeping, took it into her head to buy my horses, to replace her own, one of which had been knocked up in the desperate effort to trot down a hill. I sent them over for her to look at, and the whole household turned out, I was told, to examine their points. There was not a good eye among the whole of them. The old lady bought my span, and the very next day, being Sun day, set forth to a neighbouring church to exhibit her G3 154 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. new acquisition. She arrived there, after no small vexa tion and delay, owing to the vagaries of the ever-memo rable feminine horse which has heretofore figured in my story. She had a habit of stopping short now and then, but was not otherwise vicious ; and it was worth while to see the one-eyed gentleman, her companion, turn round and look at her on these occasions, as if to ask an explanation. He was certainly a horse of great parts, though he had but one eye and was broken- winded. There was not a soul at church but knew my horses, and had heard the story of the mysterious animal that was a horse in the eye of the law, and a mare in the eyes of everybody else. They all flocked round, and the tale was repeated at least two hundred times. Never since the days of Gil Bias s mule was an animal so taken to pieces, criticised, reviewed, and held up to naught as were those of the good old lady. She was in such a passion that when she got home she could not tell either chapter or verse of the text. The next morning she sent them over, with a tart note, charging me with deception, and demanding her money back again. " CAVEAT EMPTOR !" cried I, and snapped my fin gers at the old lady, just as the horse-jockey did at me. I was sure I had the common law on my side this time, and defied justice and all her works. I had given no warranty, and had not even verbally answered for my horses. The old lady brought a suit ; but I cared not a rush for it, and only cautioned my lawyer to ply them well with Caveat Emptor, whenever he had an opportu nity. I ought to mention there was a new judge on the bench ; the admirer of Judge Bridlegoose and his de cisions being absent on some account or other. As ill luck would have it, the brazen trumpet, who by his elo quence had wrought the jury to pronounce one of these THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 165 same horses a sound horse in the eye of the common law, was again opposed to me. In the first place, the old lady proved the horses were both bad. But this I did not mind, so long as I had honest Caveat Employ on my side. In the second place, she proved that I knew they were bad. The counsel read the record of the decision, by which I had the blinker thrown on my hands, to prove him an unsound horse. Now this was the very de cision on which I had relied, in conjunction with Caveat Emptor, to bring me off with flying colours. I calcu lated to prove by it, that as he had been decided, virtu ally at least, to be a sound animal, by being thrown on my hands as a fair purchase, I had a right to dispose of him as such at any time. After the testimony was concluded the brazen trum pet attacked me with the whole force of his lungs, and tore me all to naught, for doing exactly what the perfec tion of reason authorizes everybody to do making use of my superior knowledge in bargaining. I am sure I had paid for it. He contradicted every word he said on a former trial, and made me out to be one of the greatest rogues in existence. And so I was for aught I know, for I had been corrupted by the common law and Caveat Einptor. My old counsel made an excellent defence indeed, he and the other counsel seemed to have ex changed souls, or at least tongues, on this occasion. I remarked that the trumpet used the very same argu ments against me as defendant, that my present counsel did in my favour when I was plaintiff, in a similar suit, and that on the contrary, my counsel borrowed his old arguments to apply to this new suit. All this struck me as odd, but I suppose the perfection of reason consists in the capacity of accommodating itself to time and occasion. But it was the argument of the judge that threw me into despair. " Gentlemen of the jury," said he, " the common 156 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. law is not only the wisdom of ages, and the perfection of reason, but it is likewise essentially a moral code, which, at the same time that it protects and vindicates the rights of the people, teaches them their duties. The learned counsel for the defendant has relied mainly upon the suit which has just been cited, in which the very horse now in question was decided to be a fair pur chase, and left on his hands. He contends that this de cision was, in effect, sanctioning the practice of imposing an unsound animal upon a purchaser, or at least, if not so, he contends that it decided the character of the horse as a sound animal, in the eye of the common law. " Gentlemen, the learned counsel forgets, that though this is the same horse, the court and jury are very dif ferent from those which decided the former case. My worthy brother, for whose learning, sagacity, and legal acumen I have the most exalted respect, is, however, I must be permitted to say, rather too much under the thumb of Caveat Emptor, and follows the practice of the English judges, who, I think, give it too great a lati tude in covering fraud and deception. Now, I, gentle men, incline to the doctrines of Grotius, Wolf, and others of the writers on natural law, which rests, in fact, on the same basis with the common law, and who min gle a considerable portion of equity in their ideas of covenants. They differ with many of the English au thorities in their exposition of the maxim of Caveat Emptor, and consequently in their estimate of the de gree of diligence and circumspection necessary in the buyer, and the latitude to be given to the seller in dis guising, or making use of his superior knowledge in the article of which he is about to dispose. " Gentlemen of the jury, I am free to confess, that though, in some respects, I agree with preceding au thorities, in others I differ from them all, and so differ ing, I shall take leave to consult my own ideas of jus tice in this case. THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 157 " In the first place, there is a manifest distinction be tween being silent as to defects in the article which forms the subject of the covenant, and fraudulently con cealing them. By merely being silent on these defects you practise no deception, because you leave the buyer the free use of his eyes, and other senses, which are the guides and guardians of human nature in all the ordinary transactions of life. If the buyer should chance to be ignorant of the nature and value of the article, that is his own fault ; the seller is not obliged to instruct him to his own damage and loss. He had, in fact, no business to purchase an article of the qualities and value of which he was totally ignorant. Ignorance is not involuntary it is in the nature of a blameable negligence not to acquire knowledge and as Ignorantia legis neminem excusat, so ignorance of the points that constitute the value or of the defects which diminish the value of a horse is no ground for vacating a covenant, or recover ing damages. " But, gentlemen of the jury, it is far otherwise with those natural and involuntary defects which render it impossible for a person to be a judge of the article purchased. The plaintiff in this suit is an elderly lady, who, in the first place, lies under no sort of obligation to become acquainted with the value of horses her ignorance is therefore no bar in law to recovering in this suit. Had the deception been practised in the purchase and sale of a carpet, a silk gown, or any article of that kind, of which females are bound to be judges, it would have been a different affair altogether. But not only is the plaintiff not obliged by her sex to become su judge of horses, but if she were, it is in proof that she has become incapacitated by a defect in the organs of vision. Now, gentlemen, physical defects are viewed in a very different light by the common law from defects of know ledge, judgment, and experience. To impose upon an ignorant person is held lawful ; but to impose upon one 14 158 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. who is incapable from nature or infirmity of judging is fraud. These distinctions are founded in the wisdom of ages and the perfection of reason. I am therefore of opinion, that the defendant take back his horses, return the purchase-money, and pay the costs of the prosecution." Thus was I obliged to receive back my horses in spite of Caveat Emptor, who seemed destined in one way or other to be my utter ruin. I could not help complaining to myself, that I had been obliged to keep them on my hands after being cheated in the purchase, solely because one judge had no opinion of his own ; and now was obliged to receive them again, merely be cause another judge chose to have an opinion of his own. If the judges had only been exchanged, I might have gained both suits : as it was, both were decided against me. " What a misfortune," thought I, " that though the common law is always the same, the judges are so different, and that the perfection of reason should be expounded by persons whose reason is so imper fect !" Fearful that my horses would play me some more tricks, I took the first opportunity to give them away taking the precaution to accompany the donation by a special warranty, certifying one to be unsound, and the other worth nothing. Having got these encumbrances fairly off my hands, I invested the remainder of my fortune in trade, and plunged in the mysteries of buying and selling, under the guidance and protection of honest Caveat Emptor, notwithstanding the many ill turns I had received at his hands. I purchased articles at a low price and sold at a high one, always taking care to avoid any express war ranty : and though I was from time to time sued by the ignorant for thus making a legal use of my superior knowledge, I always escaped with flying colours, under the broad shield of Caveat Empfor, who, I will do him the justice to say, stood by me like a brave fellow. Thus THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 159 I sailed before the wind for some time, and laid up money. My avarice, as usual, expanded with my acqui sitions, and I determined to launch out into foreign trade. I accordingly purchased a large ship, which the owner assured me was one of the finest vessels that ever sailed the salt seas, and put in her a valuable cargo for Europe. In order to cover all losses, I made ensurance for the full amount of vessel and cargo, and despatched her on her voyage. This time I happened to be perfectly honest. I believed the vessel to be an excellent one in all respects, for as such I had bought her, and the cargo was precisely as I had represented it to be. It was on my part, I solemnly assure you, a fair transaction. About a month from the sailing of my great ship, news came that she had sprung a leak, a few days after getting to sea, and. was run ashore, where she went to pieces. However, this gave me no very great uneasi ness, as I calculated on being completely covered by the policy of ensurance. To my surprise and mortifi cation, payment was positively refused, on the ground that I had practised fraud, or at least deception. Even if this had been the fact, I should have relied on my friend Caveat Emptor to bring me off; but I was en tirely innocent, and innocence, although of little weight in the eye of the perfection of reason, is of some value in keeping up a man s courage. I commenced a suit for the recovery of my money, in full confidence of not only having the law, but justice likewise, on my side. But, miserable is the man who depends upon his inno cence in a suit at common law ; he might better depend upon his guilt, for guilt is careful, if possible, to get the law on its side, while innocence relies upon itself. The defence of the ensurers was, that I had practised a fraud in representing the vessel to be what she was not. It was proved by the honest gentleman of whom I had bought her, that she was not only not a first-rate vessel, but quite the contrary. That he had built her to sell, 160 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. and that both in materials and workmanship, she was defective in a very great degree. The captain and mate, who had escaped the wreck, also testified, that she was rotten in many of her timbers, leaky, and in fact not sea worthy. They would not have trusted themselves in her if they had known her condition. Here I took the liberty to ask, how I, who was to tally ignorant of ships, could be supposed to know of defects which had escaped the eyes of professional men? " Caveat Emptor /" replied the court. I acquiesced without a murmur, for I relied less upon my innocence on this occasion than upon my friend Caveat Emptor. *Tis a bad rule that won t work both ways, thought I, for I had not become sufficiently aware what a trimming turn-coat rascal this Caveat Emptor was, and how he changed sides with as little ceremony as a first-rate politician. I desired my counsel to lose no opportunity of touching them up with Caveat Emptor, but he struck me dumb by replying " My dear friend, Caveat Emptor won t do in this case." " Then the Lord have mercy upon me !" I exclaimed, in despair : " if honest Caveat goes over to the enemy, I am a dead man." I pass over the arguments of the counsel, who mar shalled armies of judges and volumes of decisions, one against the other, and made such a variety of beautiful distinctions, that not a single man in court gifted with common sense could tell black from white, or make out what the law was for the soul of him. But the charge of the judge deserves to be remembered as a warning to posterity. " Gentlemen of the jury," said he, " the principle involved in the case before you has been settled by so many solemn decisions in the English courts, that no argument or decision of mine can fix it more irrevoca- THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 161 bly. It is only necessary, therefore, to state one or two nice distinctions, and to recapitulate the arguments on which it is to be presumed these decisions were founded. " The plaintiff hinted in the course of the trial that he expected to avail himself of the maxim Caveat Emptor, but it is hardly necessary to tell you that it does not apply in this case. Gentlemen, the common law, being the perfection of reason, accommodates itself in the hap piest manner to the accidents of situation and circum stance. It is immutable and unalterable yet it is dif ferent and variable. It is founded in the wisdom of ages and it contradicts itself without the least incon sistency. I will acknowledge, gentlemen, that had this been an affair of the land, instead of the water, the maxim Caveat Emptor would go to exonerate the plaintiff from all suspicion of fraud, but happening, as it did, on the water, the case is diametrically opposite. And the dis tinction most strikingly exemplifies the wisdom of the common law. Gentlemen of the jury, there is one spe cies of animals for the earth, and another for the sea there is one kind of vehicle for ploughing the fields, and another for ploughing the ocean and there is also one law for the land, and another for the water. As well might you attempt to go to sea in a plough, or turn up the earth with the keel of a ship of the line as well might you travel by land on the back of a whale, or cross the seas mounted on an elephant as to apply the same A.iaxims of law to the ocean and the land. The ele phant would drown in the fathomless deep, and if I might be allowed the personification, Caveat Emptor cannot breathe in the atmosphere of salt water ; his lungs are too weak for it. " Hence, gentlemen of the jury, it follows, from strict deduction of analogy, that there must of necessity be a law for the land and a law for the sea, or the law could not possibly be the perfection of reason. Hence, too, 162 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. it is law, that when a man buys a ship ready built, the parties being on Terra Firma, he does it at his peril, and must look out for Caveat Emptor. But if, on the contrary, he purchases a vessel, the parties being on the water, I should say that Caveat Emptor would not apply. However this may be, I have no hesitation in saying, that though the buyer of a ship is bound to beware, the person who ensures her is entirely exonerated from that obligation. In the one case, if the buyer purchases a bad vessel it is at his own risk ; in the other, if the en- surer takes a risk upon her, it is not necessary in the eye of the perfection of reason that he too should be ware. Again, gentlemen of the jury, a man on land has a perfect right by the common law to make use of his superior knowledge of certain articles of merchan dise, in disposing of them to another who has not an equal knowledge ; but he has no right to the benefits either of superior knowledge or superior ignorance in dealing with an ensurance company, which, though not exactly a sea animal, is a sort of amphibious monster, entitled to the privileges of both elements. " Gentlemen of the jury, the counsel for the plaintiff in this su ; t has relied upon a decision in a cause where he himself was obliged to take up with a broken-winded horse he had purchased, by virtue of the maxim Caveat Emptor. But this case resembles the present in no one ground of principle. Between the defects of a horse and those of a ship there can be no possible anal ogy. Who ever heard of a ship being broken-winded or blind of an eye, or indeed having any eyes but dead- eyes, which in the eye of the common law are no eyes at all ? If the animal had been a sea-horse, I am not quite clear that there might not be some ground of anal ogy on which to found an application of the same prin ciple equally to both cases. As it is, gentlemen, you must find for the defendants, in spite of Caveat Emptor." I had now but one resource against absolute poverty, THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 163 to which nothing can reconcile a reasonable man but the reflection that it puts him in some measure beyond the reach of the laws. Without money he cannot sue ; and without it there is no cause for his being sued. He may therefore snap his fingers at the perfection of rea son, and defy Satan and all his works, among the worst of which I reckon the subtleties of the law. I made one effort more ; I brought an action against the person who sold me the ship, which it had just been decided to be a fraud for me to get ensured. I had only to pro duce the record of that trial to prove that I had been deceived in the purchase. But the case was now altered there was one law for the land, and another for the sea ; and my old friend Caveat Emptor once more changed sides to my utter confusion. There being no actual warranty, the court instructed the jury, " that, according to the maxim Caveat Emp tor, it was my own fault if I bought a bad vessel, al though the price I paid might furnish presumptive evi dence I thought her a good one. The plaintiff has relied on the decision of this court in a case where it was decided partly upon the evidence of the seller of this very vessel, that she was not sea-worthy, to prove that the defendant knew she was so at the time he sold her to the plaintiff. Now there is no proof that he did actually know the situation of the vessel at the pre cise moment of making the bargain. He might have become acquainted with these defects afterward, for aught we know. But at all events, if he did know, he was not bound to disclose them. The defendant in this cause is a seaman by profession, and once commanded this very ship. Now, gentlemen, it is a maxim in law, accusare nemo se debet, &c. ; and it is a common saying, which amounts to a precept of common law, that * every sailor is a piece of his ship ; of course he can not be bound in law or justice to disclose her defects. I am free to acknowledge that this is a hard case, bi4 164 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. that is neither your fault nor mine. The law must have its course, let what will become of morality and justice ; for it is a maxim in law, that injustice to individuals is the good of the whole. There is no other foundation under the common law for individual right but individual wrong ; and as one man s meat is another man s poi son, so the decision of a lawsuit, in opposition to reason and conscience, only the more firmly establishes the perfection of reason. It is with law as with religion. -Each has its martyrs, whose sacrifice is the strongest possible proof of the divinity of its origin. Gentlemen of the jury, you will find for the defendant, on the ground that Caveat Emptor." Thus was I, like many of my fellow-men, ruined by the very friend upon whom I placed the greatest re liance. Caveat Emptor, whether as friend or foe, seemed destined to be my bane, in conjunction with the perfection of reason. I had now nothing left in the world but a thirty-sixth part, as tenant in common, of a piece of land about thirty feet square, in one of the out wards of my native city ; together with a claim of very considerable amount, on a merchant in a neighbouring seaport town. This last I determined to put in suit in good time. But first I took special care to find out how honest Caveat Emptor stood affected towards me in this particular instance. To my great content, I dis covered that my case did not turn upon that pivot at all. I then proceeded to apply all my dear-bought knowledge to the case consulted the laws ransacked the decisions of every court for precedents applied principles, and, in short, had, as I thought, made my self thoroughly master of the whole subject. After this, to make all sure, I wrote out a fair statement of my case, and sent it with a fee to two of the first counsel of the place where my antagonist resided. They assured me my claim was perfectly good. Upon this I sent him a defiance, at least my counsel did, of twenty folio THE PERFECTION OP REASON. 165 pages. He accepted the challenge, and I was to meet him on his own ground in the course of a few months, to decide the matter then and there, according to law. I was on the spot in time, as confident of victory as ever was knight-errant, gifted with an enchanted sword, and invulnerable, armour. The trial opened, and after some little preliminary forms, the lawyer on the opposite side got up, and began to talk about something that Lord Ellenborough, and a late deceased chief-justice of Pennsylvania had thought and decided in a certain case of Twaddle vs. Tweedle. What the plague have I to do with Twaddle vs. Tweedle, thought I, in no little perplexity at finding that my cause was in danger of being decided by the ghosts of Lord Ellenborough and the chief-justice of Pennsylvania, instead of the chief- justice then sitting on the bench before me. My astonishment was increased ten-fold on hearing my counsel, instead of saying any thing about me or my cause, begin to talk about a certain lawsuit between one Dick Harvey and a Mr. Moody. Upon this the other side got up, and talked about the great decision in the case of Fairbanks vs. Fairchild, which, it seems, was too strong for Dick Harvey and Mr. Moody. Down he popped, and up jumped we with the still greater and later decision of my Lord Somebody, in the case of Cannon vs. Swivel. The opposite lawyer was not in the least daunted, but produced another and later decision of the same judge, which, as he maintained, nullified the other. Whose cause are you trying ? whispered I to my coun sel. I thought mine was to come on to-day. Before he could answer me the judge rose, and said something about locus in quo, whereupon my counsel turned round to me very coolly, and said, " You ve lost your cause." It was too true, though heaven is my witness, that to this day I could never tell why or wherefore. All I know is that Locus in quo treated me quite as bad, if not worse than Caveat Emptor, and that between them both, I had 166 THE PERFECTION OF REASON. now nothing left but the thirty-sixth part of thirty feet square of land in my native city. But fate had deter mined that I should become a perfect martyr to the per fection of reason. It seems an industrious young lawyer, having just then no business in hand, purchased out one of the joint tenants, and being very anxious to get exclusive posses sion of his foot of land, that he might improve it, applied for a partition. I had, I confess, received notice of this, but considered it a trifle not worth attending to at the time. But I found to my cost that there are no such things as trifles in the common law. On my return from the signal overthrow I had received at the hands of Locus in quo, I was saluted with a bill of costs of partition, amounting to considerably more than my share of the land was worth. I was glad to make it over to the professor of the perfection of reason, for his trouble and expense in procuring the partition, and he generously relinquished all further claim upon me. Thus we settled the partition by my being partitioned out of the last shilling of property that Caveat Emptor and Locus in quo had left me. j Gentlemen, I hope you will not think me unreason able, if, by this time, I began to lose my respect for the perfection of reason. If my worthy uncle had risen from the grave, I don t think - he could have restored it to my good graces. Like a mistress, so full of caprices, contradictions, and coquetries that she at last tires out and disgusts the most ardent admirer, the perfection of reason had played me so many tricks that I turned my back on it in utter disgust. It appeared to me that whatever the law might have been in ages of compara tive ignorance and simplicity, it had now become so refined in its distinctions so subtle in its metaphysics so complicated and contradictory in its decisions so wearisome and capricious in its sinuosities, as to be compared to nothing but an Indian trail through some THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 167 pathless wilderness, invisible to all eyes, untraceable by all feet, save those only which are guided by an infalli ble instinct, the joint offspring of nature and necessity. So far from being the perfection of reason, it seemed to me nothing more than the perfection of quibbling sophis try. Instead of a plain straight-forward rule of action, simple in itself and easy of comprehension to those who are to be governed by its provisions, it appeared to my awakened senses little else than a farrago of contradic tory decisions, pursued through all the mazes of inex tricable subtlety into the obscurity of fathomless dark ness a jumble a chaos without a sun to enlighten, or a hand powerful enough to reduce it to order and beauty. In short, under the influence of my perpetual disap pointments at the hands of the perfection of reason, I actually rejoiced that I had now nothing left in the world, and was consequently above the laws. If any thing can reconcile a reasonable man to the ills of pov erty, it is the consoling reflection that he has passed into that bourne where the lawyers cease from troubling, and the client is at rest. The remainder of my story is soon told. I was a ruined man, and that too at the hands of the perfection of reason. Being without the good things of this world, there was nothing left me but to turn philosopher, and despise them. Indeed, I have always observed, that in proportion as a man gets money he contemns wisdom, just as he who becomes poor despises wealth and takes to wisdom. Money is certainly the root of all evil, as every man is convinced the moment he sees it in the hands of others. There are three things which consti tute, as it were, the three sheet-anchors that keep a man riding steady in the same roadstead all his life property, friends, and a home. My fortune had gone off* with honest Caveat Emptor and Locus in quo ; my friends followed closely after and as to home I was a bachelor, and a bachelor has no home. 168 THE PERFECTION OF REASON* In casting about for employment during the remain der of my days, I at length determined to travel over all parts of the world, and return laden with improvements from all countries, for the good of my own. I will visit, thought I, the distant and polite regions of the earth, and, like the bee, return laden with honey. I will bring home with me the newest fashions in dress, and the latest opinions in morals the most exquisite refine ments in taste, and the most fashionable models in lite rature the rarest plants, and the most odoriferous flowers. I will introduce the thistle from Canada the black rose and the black swan mummies from Egypt dust from the Pyramids, and cobwebs from the Cata combs little wooden shoes and white lions from China paper systems and joint- stock companies from the British isles Perigord pies from France, and music from Italy. My return will be hailed as a new era, and I shall be remembered as the benefactor of my country by a hundred succeeding generations. But from this I was deterred by the reflection, that with the exception of the source of the Niger, and the north-west passage, there was nothing new to be discovered under the sun. The world had been in fact ravaged, not by an irruption of Goths or Vandals, but by armies of peaceful warriors, who, instead of destroying with fire and sword, deluged whole countries with bloody ink, and put men, women, and children to the point of the pen without mercy, insomuch that a nation stood no more chance of a tol erably decent character among them, than a man who keeps a company waiting dinner two hours for him. There was, in truth, not a hole or a corner, either above or under ground, a pyramid, a cataract, catacomb, sub terranean temple, or inexplicable oddity that had not been ransacked and described half a dozen times over. Like Alexander, I wept for a new world, and remained in sorrowing perplexity, when, one lucky day, at least a dozen of them made their appearance in the nick of time, THE PERFECTION OP REASON. 169 each ready to be served up in Paternoster Row, to the literary epicures, like boiled eggs at a breakfast. I allude to the promulgation of the sublime theory of the CONCENTRIC SPHERES, which hath sufficiently demon strated that this globe of ours, instead of being, as it were, all outside crust, is like the famous pie, which, when opened, discovered four-and-twenty blackbirds all gayly singing a beautiful Italian air. Thus, in a similar manner, the centre of this mundane terrene, when it comes to be explored by adventurous travellers, instead of being tenanted by worms, ground-hogs, em bryo locusts, field-mice, pismires, and other inglorious subterraneans, will be found, beyond doubt, to be peo pled by an enlightened race of illustrious Troglodytes, who from the very nature of their locality must of necessity see deeper into a subject than other people. At once my mind was made up. I determined to seek these pure and unsophisticated mortals, who, being thus retired from the great outside world, must of necessity be free from those vices, follies, and crimes which have entailed upon us the disagreeable necessity of being governed by THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 15 H STORY OF THE THIRD WISE MAN OF GOTHAM. THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. MY brother Harmony (began the third Wise Man of Gotham) has, it seems, been shipwrecked in pursuit of the Perfectibility of Man ; and my brother Quominius has fallen a victim to the Perfection of Reason, or the Wisdom of Ages, I can hardly tell which I, on the contrary, am the martyr of Science. I was born and educated in the most scientific, lite rary, and philosophical city of the world -for the women were all blues and the men metaphysicians. In truth, I may say, with perfect veracity, there were so many peo ple running after science, that there were not sciences enough for them to run after. The business was over done ; the game was exhausted, as in countries too thickly settled and too much cultivated ; and nothing was left for them but the invention of new sciences, to give them employment. Besides, such had been the unwearied industry, the deep sagacity with which they had pursued the old sciences, that they had driven them from their most secret recesses ; detected all their arcana ; exposed their occult mysteries ; and, in fact, pulled them by the ears, as it were, out of every hole and corner where they had intrenched themselves for ages. Strangers, who were allured to the city by the fame of its learning, observed with astonishment, that the women could call every thing by its scientific name, and that even the very children talked nearly as wisely as the very best of them. Learning, science, and phi- 174 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. losophy were becoming vulgar, insomuch that several people of the highest rank and fashion began to study ignorance, and actually sent their children to school to unlearn every thing. It was high time, therefore, for the lovers of science to begin to look about them ; for the writers and lecturers upon the old gray-beard mathema tics, philosophy, astronomy, and the like, instead of an audience of pretty fashionables, with nodding plumes, were content to confine their instructions to classes of rusty students, who actually came for no other purpose than to learn. The fashionable young ladies began to yawn at conversaziones, where they met to relax them selves with political economy and metaphysics ; and a universal alarm prevailed, when a great heiress, who was considered the bulwark of the blues, backslided, and married a regular dandy, with a thin waist and no learning. It was high time to get up something new for these people, and as the natives of our isle are more apt to improve upon the inventions of others than to invent themselves, I was selected by a coterie of philosophers, and sent out into the world to discover a new plaything for these grown-up children of knowledge. I travelled, and travelled, and travelled, as the story-books say, over divers countries that have neither latitude nor longitude ; I visited all the colleges, scientific institutions, and bed lams ; sought out the most learned and adventurous philosophers of Christendom : consulted the pundits of India, the chingfoos of China, the dervises of Turkey, and the jugglers of the Flathead Indians of the Missouri. In short, I ransacked the uttermost ends of the earth, and was returning disconsolate, through Germany, to my native city, with a firm conviction that there was nothing new under the sun, when an unexpected ad venture befell me on the eve of a long day s jour ney. Owing to various untoward accidents, one of which THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 175 was the lameness of my horse, I had been overtaken by twilight in the midst of the forest of Teutoburgium, not far, as it afterward proved, from the spot where Varus and his legions had been cut off by the German hero Arminius. As the night gathered thick around me, obscured into Cimmerian darkness by the overarching shades, I became more and more confused and uncer tain of my way. I heard the growling of bears, the howling of wolves, the hooting of owls, and the shrill whistle of the bandit, mingling with the sighing and moaning of winds as they wandered through the impen etrable shades. At length my progress was arrested by a cold and heavy hand, forcibly applied to my mouth, with such excellent aim, considering it was so dark, that it stopped it entirely, and prevented me from calling for help, had I bethought myself of doing it. So forcible was the blow, that it knocked me from my horse, and I lay on the ground for a few moments insensible to every thing around me. As I gradually recovered, the pain of my fall, the loneliness of my situation, and the appre hension that the bandit would return with his companions and finish, perhaps, what he had begun, overcame me entirely, and I groaned at intervals aloud. Nothing for a time answered me, but the dismal echoes of the forest, and once or twice the neighings of what I supposed my own horse, who had wandered to a distance. At length, however, my cries were answered by a voice which seemed close to my ear. " Who and what art thou, that thus wanderest alone at midnight, on the spot where the bones of tens of thou sands have been bleaching for ages 1" cried a hollow and tremulous voice. " I am a pilgrim," exclaimed I, " from a far distant country, travelling the earth in search of a new science." " Thou hast hit the nail on the head," replied the in visible voice. " Follow me give me thy hand thou 176 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. art a lucky man, and wast born, without doubt, with a silver spoon in thy mouth." " But my horse 1" quoth I. " He is safe," replied the voice, taking me by the hand. As I lifted it to my lips in token of thankfulness, I started back with horror. " It smells of mortality !" cried I. " True : it hath handled nothing but the bones of Varus and his legions for more than thirty years." " Art thou a sexton ?" " No." " A grave-digger ?" " Follow me, and thou shalt know." I again gave him my hand with trembling reluctance, and we struck to the right in a direction towards a dim light, which had till now escaped my notice. After proceeding some distance, we approached the entrance of a cave, which descended gently into the bosom of the earth, through a passage dimly lighted by a lamp, lead ing into an apartment that struck me with inexpressible dismay. It was a charnel-house of sculls, which I took for granted appertained to thousands of murdered wretches, made away with by a band of robbers of which this wily old wretch was the stool-pigeon, or chief, I hardly knew which. His whole appearance was a com position of supernatural horrors. There did not seem a drop of blood in his body, or an ounce of flesh on his bones. His eye, deep sunk in his head, glimmered dimmer than the half-expiring lamp which obscured rather than illuminated the passage by which we had descended ; and his cheeks, for want of the support of teeth, had sunk in on either side, and met together lov ingly in the roof of his mouth. His head was without a single hair, and the glossy surface of the scull di vided by lines into different compartments, like the divi sions of a map. Each of these was numbered after the THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 177 manner of sheet maps, for teaching children geography. " Gracious heaven !" exclaimed I, mentally, " he is not only a robber but a necromancer! perhaps the wild huntsman ! perhaps one of the infernal quizzical imps of Number Nip ! perhaps the wood-demon himself. This forest has long been famous for evil-doings, and these lines and figures are doubtless the spell by which this diabolical caitiff works his infernal ends." I cast my eyes from the necromancer to the paraphernalia by which he was surrounded. Nothing was seen but sculls piled up in various recesses, or lying about in horrible confusion, so that at every step they rolled beneath my feet, and grinned in my face, as if in scorn of these im potent injuries. The rest of the embellishments of this Golgotha have escaped my recollection ; for as I continued to stare around, my courage deserted me, my senses wandered, and I trembled from head to foot. " Thou art cold, and doubtless hungry too," said the old mystery of horror ; "I was inhospitable not to offer thee something to eat." Ho then arose and went to an obscure part of the cave. " He is gone to prepare for me the feast of the worms," thought I ; "or perhaps he will presently invite me,- like the ghost in Don Juan, to an entertainment of shin-bones and pettitoes. Would I were home again, and perish all new sciences." Presently, however, he returned, and, to my very agreeable surprise, presented a piece of cold venison, some bread, and a flagon of beer. " Eat, drink, and be merry," quoth he ; " for to-morrow I die !" responded I, inwardly, with a sigh. However, hunger is lord of the world, and will swallow up fear, when he is sharp set. I fell upon the venison, and ate as if it were my last ; I swallowed oceans of beer, in hopes it would infuse into me a portion of Dutch courage, but in vain. While I was taking my meal, the necromancer, or whatever he might be, was examin ing a large scull, divided and marked in like manner H3 178 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. with his own, and apparently comparing it with mine, while he ever and anon exclaimed " Bless me ! astonishing ! wonderful ! one would think they had belonged to one and the same person ! Pray, my good friend, if you can stop eating for one moment, tell me, had you ever any other head on your shoulders than the one you carry now ?" " Not that I know of," replied I. "Astonishing curious remarkable never saw such an identity wit locality amativeness philoprogen- itiveness ideality wonder acquisitiveness concen- trativeness adhesiveness cautiousness tune size weight colouring language comparison caus ality love of approbation order combativeness, and what not ! I would give thousands for your scull. Why, sir, you must be a universal genius. You have the finest collection of organs in the world. You are a poet, a mechanic, a chymist, a philosopher, a musician, a lover of children, an artist, a metaphysician, and any thing else you please besides." I began now to be ashamed of myself, that I should have dignified this old fellow with the rank of a bandit and necromancer, when, as it now plainly appeared, he was only a harmless madman. At once my terrors subsided, and I became quite jocular. " Pray," said I, " how came you to know my char acter and talents so perfectly in this short acquaintance ? I don t think I have spoken five words on any sub ject connected with these acquirements and qualifica tions. Have you the faculty of penetrating the interior of the brain, or exploring the secrets of the heart, extem poraneously ? " The secrets of the heart !" replied the old man contemptuously " you talk like a blockhead, in defiance of the infallible augury of your cerebral development. The heart, young man, has nothing to do with sensa tions, affections, impulses, passions, affinities, or antipa- THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 179 thies. You might as well locate them in the liver, the gizzard, the great toe, the seat of honour, or any other obscure and contemptible part of the human machine " " Did he actually call it a machine 1" interrupted the Man Machine, eagerly. " He did, upon my honour he called it a machine," said the other, and proceeded. " Know, young man," continued the hermit, " that I perceive by the infallible augury of the only real science upon the face of the earth, thou art destined to be a burn ing and shining light among the benighted of this earth. Thou shalt carry the lamp even to the uttermost ends of the earth, and into the concentric spheres. Listen and learn." The whole frame of the old man now di lated into actual sublimity his voice gradually swelled in tones of lofty declamation, and his eye brightened with what I then supposed was inspiration. But I have since ascertained that the eye has nothing to do with the mind, any more than a pair of spectacles. It is only made to see with. " I was born and brought up," continued he, " within the walls of a college, the name of which I shall with hold, lest it might become too vain of the honour ; and my ancestors had been professors of the same faculty for fifteen generations. Not one of them, so far as my knowledge and belief extends, ever was out of sight of the venerable Alma Mater. They studied science in books, and to books they resorted for that knowledge of mankind and of the world which, being the same in all ages, can only be acquired in the unchangeable les sons of time and experience recorded in books. My father was considered a monster of erudition, who, after having exhausted all the old sciences, imagined new, which he exhausted with equal facility. He went on in this way so long that at last he was sorely puzzled for new sciences to conquer. He came very near dying 180 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. of ennui, for want of a new difficulty to knock on the head, and in the absence of some excitement of this kind, used to amuse himself whole days with a parrot and a monkey ; one of which he had taught to talk quite learnedly upon scientific subjects, and the other to go through a variety of philosophical experiments. " He soon, however, got tired of this, and then found a temporary amusement in studying natural history in the persons of a great variety of dogs, that used to con gregate for amusement and righting in the large court yard in front of his residence in the college. Here, for the first time, he noticed that peculiarity of the canine race which exhibits itself in two strange dogs when they come together. He observed that instead of looking into each other s faces for information, as to the charac ter, objects, and intentions of their new acquaintance, they invariably went round to the rear for that purpose. At first he was inclined to believe that they carried their names on the stern, as he had observed was the case with the boats on the river which ran near the city ; but on examination he could discover nothing of that kind. It naturally occurred to him, to ask himself the reason, or rather the instinct, of this singular practice. After deep reflection it struck him that it could be no other than a mode pointed out by nature for gaining a thor ough insight into the character, views, and qualifications of Those animals, thus superseding the necessity of long acquaintance and continued scrutiny. He saw, too, that these animals signified their satisfaction, and indeed expressed most of their sensations, by wagging their tails, and became thereupon convinced that with them at least the eyes and the face were not the index of the mind. He observed that a stiff tail denoted hostility, while a wagging tail, on the contrary, expressed some times pleasure, sometimes eagerness of anticipation, sometimes confidence, sometimes doubt, sometimes affection ; and that whenever it hid itself between the THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 181 hinder legs, it was the invariable indication of fear. In short, he had no doubt that a complete system of the operations of canine instinct might be deduced from the developments of the organs of the tail : and he was only deterred from announcing it to the literary world by the apprehension of being laughed at by ignorant persons. " A hint is, however, sufficient for the wise. Newton caught his idea of gravitation from seeing an apple fall to the ground ; Hutton his theory of the formation of the earth by the operation of an internal fire, from a confectioner making sugar-plums ; another philosopher from accidentally seeing a nest of iron pots one within the other, with pismires crawling between them, con ceived his theory of the concentric spheres ; and my father erected the most stupendous science of modern times upon the wagging of a mastiff s tail. Reasoning upwards by the staircase of analogy, he gradually arrived from the mastiff s tail to a man s head, which he found closely resembling each other in a vast variety of par ticulars. Both were covered with hair ; both were at the extremity of the animal : one nodded, the other wagged. There were other points of resemblance of which expert theorists make a great use, called analo gies of opposition, in which the likeness or affinity con sists in one thing being the direct antipodes of another. Altogether, my father, from long and intense observa tion and contemplation, came at last to the conclusion that the tail of the dog and the head of the man were certainly the true index of the mind and propensities of each respectively. " I perceive you smile, as if this idea of a man s head being the seat of sensation and the index of mind was no very great discovery. In the course of my details you will see that this was only the mere threshold, the first step in those speculations that are destined ere long not only to astonish but confound the world. The dis covery that the head was the seat of sensation was in 16 182 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. fact no discovery at all. But the improvements he made, and the ends to which he applied it, are what constitute his glory. Columbus, it is true, discovered that there was actually such a place as the New World ; but this did not deprive those who subsequently explored, settled, planted, and divided it into separate states, dis tricts, counties, and towns of their portion of credit. In like manner, others had, it may be justly said, discov ered a man had a head ; but it was reserved for my father to turn that head to some account, by dividing it into dif ferent sections and compartments ; detailing its pecu liarities of soil and climate : describing its various prop erties and productions ; the temperature of the air ; the animals that inhabit it ; and, in fact, giving, as it were, a complete statistical account of the whole region." Here, perceiving me yawn a little, the old man took the hint. He proposed retiring for the night, and re suming his details in the morning. Accordingly he showed me into a small recess where was a bed of moss, on which I laid myself down, and dreamed all night of the catacombs of Egypt. The next morning the good hermit would hardly allow me time to eat my breakfast, so impatient was he to continue his story. " My father," began he, " next proceeded to lay down his first principles, which he justly considered were more than half the battle. He knew he could look out afterward at leisure for facts and examples to sustain them. A true philosopher always makes his facts and reasonings dependent on his theory, and not his theory on his facts and reasonings. When his theory is well- digested and arranged, a man of the least ingenuity will find all nature administering to his use. Appearances and phenomena which he never dreamed of before will come like Sancho s proverbs, pat to his purpose ; and what in the eyes of indifferent persons will seem fatal to his hypothesis, to him will afford unanswerable confirm ation. Young man, if thou ever meanest to become a THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 183 philosopher, follow the example of my father ; for be assured ifthou waitest for experience to authenticate thy theories, thou wilt die without ever becoming the parent of a single new one. Aware of this truth, my father, as I said before, proceeded first to lay down the principles of his new science, intending afterward to trust to Provi dence, his own ingenuity, and the liberal spirit of the age, to establish them by facts and demonstration. " He first laid it down as a maxim, that the head of a man was, as it were, a great organ full of pipes, on which the different qualities, propensities, and passions each played their favourite tunes, and on that particular pipe the tone of which best pleased the said quality, pro pensity, or passion. " That as the pipes of the mechanical organ, being made of materials incapable of expansion, cannot be dilated or contracted; so the pipes of the man-organ, being composed in like manner of materials directly the con trary in their nature and capacity, it follows by analogy of dissimilitude that the animate and inanimate organs are one and the same, for all the purposes of science and philosophy. " That the form of the brain and the functions of the several organs or pipes thereof may be ascertained by irrefragable indications, especially by comparing their size, with the power of manifesting the mental faculties. The more a particular organ or pipe of the organ was used the larger it would undoubtedly become ; for as friction uniformly diminishes inanimate machinery, so in like manner does it not diminish but strengthen, de velop, and expand the animated machinery, to wit, the pipes, organs, and cavities of the brain. "To prove this position, he instanced the rope- dancer s legs ; the fiddler s right elbow ; and, above all, the female tongue, each of which, he maintained, was uncommonly large and fully developed in consequence of continued and violent exercise. The eyes of chil- 184 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. dren, he observed, were always larger in proportion than those of grown-up people, simply because, as every ob ject was new to the former, they naturally stared and wondered at every thing. Again : the nostrils of a snuff-taker were always more dilated than those of or dinary persons ; and people given to listening at key holes always had great ears. All these positions he intended to establish as occasion might offer ; and if it proved upon experience that the facts were not accord ing to his theory, all they had to do was to accommo date themselves to it as fast as possible ; for it was not to be expected that a philosopher should abandon an hypothesis merely because it was contrary to facts and experience. " My father was resolved that his science should be quite original. Others had already taken formal scien tific possession of the face, and, as it were, converted all the seaboard of the country to their use. My father was for that reason resolved to have little or nothing to do with the old settlements, but to travel into the inte rior and cultivate the back lands. Accordingly, he marched round and settled himself upon the remote, uncultivated regions of the cerebellum. Besides the canine example which had given the first idea, and the determination to occupy entirely new ground, he had another argument in favour of this novelty on which he strongly relied. He compared the head to those houses in the city of Edinburgh which, being built on a side-hill, exhibit a bold front a dozen stories high, but which when approached in the rear dwindle into complete insignifi cance. Thus there was no such thing as telling what they were until you examined them from behind ; and thus too by analogy, all conclusions drawn from the face of a human being were vague and uncertain in the highest degree. It was, moreover, proverbial for people to put their best face as well as their best leg foremost. "Having thus developed the theory of his new THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE, 185 science, he was just setting about propping it up by facts and examples, when he fell ill and died. It rarely hap pens indeed that the same person invents and perfects his invention. Life is too short for any but a chosen few to acquire the glory of beginning and completing a new science. It was reserved for me to rear up and bring to perfection the magnificent edifice of which my father had laid the foundation. - :r ^ 1 " At the time of my father s decease, I was a young man of about forty, and had scarcely ever been beyond the walls of our college. I once indeed ventured out into the world to see a fair in the neighbourhood, but happening to meet a person whose organ of destructive- ness I perceived was horribly developed, I was afraid he would kill me, and ran home as fast as I could. As a proof of the infallibility of my science, it was afterward rumoured that this very man, or somebody very like him, was found guilty of manslaughter at a village about two hundred miles distant. My whole life had been passed between four thick stone walls, in a chamber, the light of which was admitted through the ceiling, where I saw nobody but my parents and an old female servant whose organ of languages bespoke her prowess, for she could out-talk the whole family. Indeed, our prevailing character was that of shyness, awkwardness, and silence. We seldom or never mixed with the world, and my prin cipal recreation had been to philosophize, smoke my pipe, and drink small beer. Ever since my father pro pounded his theory of the organs to my alarmed and awakened imagination, I believe I may say that I never looked a human being in the face. Indeed, it was the custom of the whole family to walk leisurely round and examine the back of the head to ascertain each other s wants, feelings, and sensations. I can proudly say that my father was never but once mistaken in this infallible augury, and then he fell into such a passion with the 186 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. organs that they ever afterward took good care to accommodate themselves to his theory. " From the period that I became an orphan, I deter mined to devote my remaining days to the establishment of his favourite science, by actual experiment and obser vation. I considered it as a sister orphan in a state of helpless infancy, left to my bringing up, and for whose future fate I was in a great measure responsible. Ac cordingly, I declined the hereditary professorship which had been in bur family three centuries, and in order that I might study the human character without interruption, retired to this forest, and secluded myself from mankind. I was induced to select this spot in preference to all others, because it afforded me the most ample scope and materials for laying the everlasting basis of what may be emphatically called the science of human nature, taught, not by the quick, but the dead ; derived, not from the lying tongues and deceitful eyes of living men, but from the tomb, whence the hollow socket and the tongue- less, fleshless lips proclaim, in accents of eternal truth, the secrets of the hitherto un visited brain. Let no one say that when the brain is out the man will die, for it is then only that he may be figuratively said to live, to speak, and to disclose through the medium of the sub lime organs of the cerebellum the secrets of his heart and head, the mystery of what he was when living. Here," said he, with lofty enthusiasm, exhibiting a scull divided and numbered as I have described " here is the world I study, and here the history of the human race, written in characters of eternal truth with the pen cil of immortality. I do not want to read Tacitus to know what the owner of this was when living I know he was rash, self-willed, and brave, and that in the very nature of things, he must have been governed by the organ of combativeness. Look at it it is the scull of QUINTILIUS VARUS, who was cut off with his three THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 187 legions on this very spot by our illustrious Herman, whom the historian calls Arminius, to make his name sound like that of a Roman." " How do you know it is the scull of Quintilius Varus?" asked I. " BY PHRENOLOGY." " What is that ?" asked I again. " The infallible science invented by my father. It is called phrenology, from phrensy or phrenetic ; my illustrious father having been considered mad during the latter part of his life, like almost all other daring geniuses who have had the courage to instruct mankind. They swallow knowledge with as much difficulty and as many wry faces as they do physic, and reward their benefactors for enlightening them by calling them mad. But to go on with my story. " I have mentioned that this cave is in the centre of the encampment where Varus and his legions were slain by the Germans, and their sculls piled up in heaps, as recorded by Tacitus. It was for this reason I selected it for the field of my achievements in demonstrating the truths of phrenology. Here I could find innumerable examples to suit my theory here I could make what use I pleased of those relics which elsewhere the igno rant hold sacred ; and here, above all, I could remain free from the intrusion of vulgar curiosity, for not a pea sant in forty miles will approach this spot except unwit tingly. You will wonder perhaps that those sculls should have remained so perfect as you now see them for such a length of time. But when I tell you, that with the exception of the Egyptians, the Romans had the thickest and most solid sculls of any ancient people, you will not be incredulous. You recollect Herodotus bears testimony to the thickness of the Egyptian skulls, a fact sufficient in itself to explode the vulgar opinion that a thick scull is synonymous with stupidity. " Here I proceeded to establish my science upon the 188 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. eternal basis of demonstration. In the first place, I looked into Tacitus, and found that Varus had im prudently advanced far into the pathless forests of (Germany ; that he had encamped on unfavourable : ground ; had finally been surprised by Arminius, and himself and all his legions slain. It followed pretty ; clearly from these premises, that Yarus was a daring, juncalculating sort of a person, who beyond all doubt had the organ of combativeness strongly developed, and that of secretiveness exceedingly small. Accordingly, I selected from the sculls scattered around me one which exhibited these two features in the most marked and :conspicuous manner. This was beyond all question the scull of Varus ; and here it is. Examine it here is the organ of combativeness, or fondness for fighting ; observe how it projects and is expanded. Here no here is the organ of secretiveness, or in other words, the propensity to hide away when danger approaches. Observe, it is almost imperceptible. It is plain that the owner of this scull was without the sense of fear ; of course it must be the scull of Varus. There- is no doubt of it to disbelieve would argue absolute stu pidity it would be flying in the face of demonstration." " Without doubt," said I, for I began to be of opinion that this old man was a sage, and in all probability might furnish me with what I had hitherto sought in vain over half the world. " Very well," continued the sage ; " we have thus established the fact, that these particular organs do ac tually and invariably indicate the qualities rny father ascribed to them. The next step was to identify other organs with other qualities until I had made out a com plete system, comprehending all the moral, physical, and intellectual faculties of the human race. Accord ingly, I proceeded to select and classify the sculls that lay scattered around, placing all those together which exhibited the same or similar peculiarities. After having THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 189 done this I proceeded to christen them agreeably to the nomenclature of the infallible science. One heap I dubbed men of genius, because it was the smallest another thieves another murderers some I called lovers of order some lovers of tune some of numbers some of novelty some I disposed of in one class, some in another, as situation and circumstances required. For instance, in this very cave, which I have now inhabited almost thirty years, I found on my arrival a great many sculls lying dispersed on the floor, or the recesses within. These, I took it for granted, appertained to persons who had retreated there for shelter had been discovered by the German army, and put to death. They must there fore have hid away and therefore the organ of the brain the most remarkable and most strongly developed must of necessity be that of secretiveness or hiding away. I confess that there was a great diversity in the phrenology of these runaways, and that not a few of them exhibited a most provoking development of the organ of combativeness or fighting. This was a formidable obstacle to my progress, but I got over it at last, by sup posing what was very natural, that these latter might have been the sculls of the valiant Germans, who, pur suing the runaways into their last retreat, were slain in combat with these cowards, for cowards will fight when desperate. " There was one particular projection or development of the organ common to all the sculls I examined, which I called the organ of order. The soldiers of Varus were of the veteran Roman legions, who had doubtless been in service almost all their lives. Now the distin guishing characteristic of a soldier is order and disci pline, which are in fact one and the same. Therefore, that organ which is most universally and strongly devel oped in soldiers must be the organ of discipline. * In this manner I continued to build up by degrees my favourite science upon the impregnable basis of 190 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. experience and demonstration, until I had selected a class of sculls to represent the whole range of human passions and human faculties. In this way, too, by unwearied patience and assiduity, I established the truth of my father s theory in a manner that I defy the world to shake. So perfectly am I convinced of its unerring principles, its unassailable strength and accu racy, that were I not so old I would go forth into the world and fearlessly govern myself by the infallible cri terion of phrenology in my judgment of mankind. As it is, I must leave it to some young and enterprising ad venturer to accomplish the only remaining point neces sary to convince mankind and overturn the mischievous absurdities of the contemptible science (as by courtesy it is called) of physiognomy. * Here Dr. Gallgotha, for that I found was the hermit s name, concluded his details, which, in their progress, had entirely changed my first impressions in relation to his character and pursuits. As he proceeded in the development of his system, he called forth my wonder and admiration ; and long before he concluded I had become a convert to his principles. It appeared to me impossible, indeed, that a rational being could shut up his understanding to the conviction of its irresistible demonstrations ; and my imagination expanded with the hope of being able at last to succeed in the mission which had cost me so many toils and dangers. I re mained several days in this abode of science, during which time the doctor gradually unfolded the minutiae of his system, and taught me the whole mystery of devel opment. Every day we became more enthusiastically convinced of the impregnability of the science ; and nothing could equal the delight of the old man at finding such a scholar, except mine at meeting such a preceptor. " Thou art just the disciple I should have selected from the whole world for thou hast the finest develop ment of the organ of faith I ever remember to have seen. THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 191 Come, I will take my staff and sculls, and, like the sages of old, go forth into the world to teach and to enlighten. Wilt thou be my companion, my disciple, my son by adoption 1 ?" You may suppose I acceded to this proposal with a transport of delight ; and it was accordingly arranged to depart the very next day, so anxious were we to begin our scientific pilgrimage. " We shall want nothing," said Dr. Gallgotha " I will instruct the people, and they in return will gratefully administer to our trifling necessities, when what we have is spent." Accordingly, the next day, having deposited the scull of Quintilius Varus with other specimens exhibiting each of the cerebral developments essential to the demonstra tion of the doctor s first principles, in a bag, thrown over my horse, we bade a final adieu to the cave of Macpe- lah, and sallied forth, agreeing to ride and walk by turns. In passing the spot where I had been knocked from my horse by the mysterious hand, I observed a limb pro jecting over the road, apparently about the height of my mouth when on horseback, and incrusted with an icy sleet. It occurred to me, it might have been this limb that knocked me down, and thus, as it were, became a providential instrument in bringing about my meeting with this inspired old man. Emerging from the forest, we entered a fine pic turesque country, full of grassy verdure, blushing vines, and laughing villages. At one of these last we stopped for refreshment, and were introduced into a public room, where sat perhaps a dozen travellers around a large old- fashioned oak table. The old man immediately began to exercise his talent in demonstrative science. He put on his spectacles, and walked leisurely round the table, stopping behind every man and studying the infal lible index of his mind at the back of his head. At length he came to one, at the first view of which he retreated with horror. He then approached it again, and as if 192 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. impelled by the irresistible fascination of overwhelming terror, put his fingers upon a part of the man s scull. The fellow started up, and turning furiously round upon the doctor, exclaimed " D n you ! what are you about with my head V " N n n n nothing," replied the doctor, in a voice quaking with terror " I I Heavens and earth ! what a supernatural development of the organ of . Pray, my dear sir, when* did you commit your last m . I ll give you a hundred rix-dollars for that scull of yours." i. " Old man," replied the fellow, gruffly, " it s well for you that you are old, and, as I suspect, not very wise, or I would " " don t now don t m m . Pray now, my dear sir, don t kill me !" " Kill you !" said the other, with a contemptuous smile, " though my trade is killing, it is not such tough old animals as you I deal with." He then quietly sat down again, while the doctor sidled up to me, and taking my elbow, drew me significantly out of the room. " We must depart instantly," said he. " What, without our breakfast ? said I. " Ay or it is all over with us. That man is one of the greatest villains in existence he has the organ of murder almost as large as the bass pipe of the great organ at Antwerp he cannot have committed less than a hundred assassinations. Come come let us depart secretly, that the murderer, may not know which way we go." What an invaluable science, thought I, that thus intuitively announces to us the dangers which others discover only when it is too late. We now moved ourselves quietly out of the inn unno ticed by any of the domestics, who, as we owed them nothing, were indifferent to our motions. The old man, and indeed so did I, often looked back to see if the mur derer was Doming after us, but luckily we turned an THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 193 angle of the road, and were ought of sight before he made his appearance. " What a lucky escape !" quoth the doctor. " Miraculous !" responded I. We proceeded on slowly till the sun began to wax low in the western horizon, when, being tired and withal exceeding hungry, we gladly descried a pretty consider able village in a rich vale which spread its soft evening beauties under our eyes as we reached the summit of a hill, at whose feet it lay nestling. We pushed forward with new spirits, and gayly footed down the hill, close to the bottom of which was an inn, bearing on its sign-post the head of the great Frederick. " There," quoth the doctor, triumphantly" there is a living proof of the falsehood of that delusive science which hath been palmed upon the world. If you look at that head in front, it is the head of a blockhead if in the rear, it is that of the greatest man Germany ever produced, with the exception of my father, and one other, whom I shall not at present name." The doctor s self-gratulations were speedily put to flight by the appearance of the tremendous assassin we had escaped from in the manner just related. He rode up to the inn, which I afterward learned was a place where horses were let, dismounted, gave his beast to the hostler, and turned away, carelessly exclaiming, with a significant nod at the doctor " O ! you re there, are you ?" " It s all over with us," cried the doctor in despair " I shall perish, and, what is worse than all, the most noble science ever invented will perish with me." " Pray, sir," said I to the landlord, who had just made his appearance, with a portly figure, a laughing eye, and a jolly careless gait, giving shrewd promise of a pestilent wag " Pray, sir, what is the name of the person who rode up just now?" I 194 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. " Why, we call the fellow Absellino," answered mine host. " The great bandit," echoed I. " You may say that," replied he " that fellow is the greatest robber and murderer in a hundred miles round." " I told you so," said the doctor aside to me. " Divine science of phrenology !" aspirated I with fervour. " A robber and murderer !" resumed the doctor, after a pause " why is he not secured and punished ?" " O, we can t well do without him," rejoined the other " he is the butcher of the village, and though he regularly robs us in the way of his business, we don t like to turn our backs upon his beef and mutton." So saying, he invited us into the house, and at our request showed us into a room he called the moon, by ourselves. After sitting silent a while with his face rather averted, the doctor slowly moved his head upon the pivot of his neck, and looking me full in the eye, began " This mistake, as it doubtless appears to you who are not yet thoroughly initiated into the mysteries of the science, only the more convinces me of the infallibility of the organs of the cerebellum in disclosing to the scientific adept the mysteries of every variety of human character. With what unerring instinct, as it were, did I dive into the secret propensities of the man who has just left us. That his trade or profession was murder I had not the least doubt ; but whether a murderer of men or beasts, the cerebellum does not sufficiently indi cate ; at least I confess I have not yet detected the pre cise development of the organ of murder, which points out the difference between the slayer of men and the slayer of beasts." " What a pity !" replied I, sighing. " Certainly it is to be lamented," continued the doc tor, " but it is no impeachment of a science to say that THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 195 it is not perfect. There are other defects in our science, which it is one of the objects of this pilgrirnags to remedy or remove. It is not yet settled in my system, whe ther mind operates upon matter, or matter upon mind ; in other words, whether those developments, which so un erringly indicate the presence or absence of certain qualities or propensities of the animal man " " I thought you said he called man a machine," inter rupted the Man Machine, rather impatiently. " So he did at first," replied Dr. Spurrum, " but this time, I am positive, he called him an animal." " He was a fool for his pains but I beg pardon, go on, sir." Doctor Gallgotha, continued the other, was saying that he was not satisfied in his own mind whether those cerebral developments, which so unerringly indicated the presence or absence of certain decided and governing qualities or propensities of the animal man, were the cause or the effect of these qualities and propensities. " This doubt," continued he, " has occasioned me in finite trouble and vexation, since upon its decision de pends the great point, whether mind or matter is pre dominant in intellectual beings. Whether, in fact, mind is the seal and matter the wax, or vice versa, is what I must of necessity decide experimentally and demonstra- bly, before I publish my system to the universe." At this moment there was a loud uproar and bawling in the passage, which attracted our attention, and drew us to that quarter, where we found the jolly landlord chastising a boy belonging to the house, for some fault or other. The lad roared manfully, but the landlord continued his discipline, until at our intercession he let him off. I observed that Dr. Gallgotha took particular notice of the stick with which the chastisement was inflicted, and picking it up, examined it with strict atten tion. When we returned to our room, he seized my 17 12 196 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. hand, and squeezing it with trembling enthusiasm, cried out, " Heureka ! Heureka ! I have found it !" "Found what? said I, a little alarmed lest the doctor had lost some such thing as his wits, rather than found any thing valuable. " I have received a full solution of my doubt, in the simple incident we have just witnessed. Behold how we philosophers differ from other men, in converting apparently the meanest, most trivial incidents into the foundation and supports of a theory. Look at this stick it has settled a point that has puzzled the wits of the wisest of all ages." I looked at the stick, and was obliged to confess that I saw nothing very particular about it it was not even a witch-hazel. The doctor smiled with an ineffable yet condescending look of superiority. " Didst thou observe how the application of this stick affected the mind of that boy so as to cause him to writhe, and shrink, and cry out aloud ?" " I did." " And didst thou see or hear any thing of this kind proceeding from the stick ?" " Yerily no." " Very well thus then we have a convincing exam ple, better than all the argument in the world, that it is matter which operates upon mind, and not mind upon matter, since we see this stick, which is altogether com posed of matter, is not the least affected by the stripes, at the same time that the mind of the lad is entirely overcome, even unto tears and wailings." I could almost have fallen at the feet of the man whose capacious mind could thus, as it were, like some potent enchanter, settle the whole universe with the aid only of a little stick or wand. Every moment he gained upon my admiration,, and I had forgot even that I had not THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 197 tasted food all day long, when the maid-servant oppor tunely came in with our supper. Scarcely had she placed it on the table when the doctor cried out " Come hither, my pretty girl." She approached, blushing and bridling, and really looking quite charming. " Pshaw!" said the doctor, " turn your back I don t want to see your face it s not worth looking at. Mercy upon us ! what a development of the organ of amative- ness truly thou hast a neck like ^ bull ! Thou art over head and ears in love, I warrant thee and here here too is the organ of secretiveness, big enough to hold a stout strapping lover as secretly as a kernel in a nutshell. And here, bless me ! here is the organ of inquisitive- ness swelled out to an enormous size damsel, confess now, thou hast listened at a half-opened door, and peeped through a keyhole many a time and oft hey 1" The damsel took this insinuation in dudgeon, flounced out of the room in a hurry, and proclaimed in the kitchen that there was a witch or a necromancer in the Moon. There was no getting her into the room again the whole evening. After supper we lighted our pipes, for I had learned to smoke at the instance of the doctor, who assured me it was the best medium for phi losophizing in the world. Doctor Gallgotha then re sumed the conversation on the mysteries and doubts which gave him so much trouble and stood so directly in the way of the progress of this stupendous science. By degrees we penetrated deeper and deeper into the profundity of phrenology, and step by step arrived at the conclusion that it was not only the most noble of all the sciences, but that, if it could only be brought to per fection, it would supersede the necessity of all other modes of human knowledge. In proportion as the smoke of our pipes became more dense and impenetra ble, did our mental vision seem to become more clear and penetrating, until we discovered through the mists 398 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. that enveloped us, the consummation of all our antici pations in the universal establishment of the sublime mysteries of the cerebral development. Then expe rience would be unnecessary, and knowledge of the world superfluous then men would no longer depend upon the vague and uncertain indications of character exhibited by human actions then inexperience would no longer be the dupe of cunning and deception and even children might be taught a profound insight into the characters of each other by studying the infallible auguries of the cerebral development. Suddenly, however, we were brought down to the level of humanity, by a confusion of voices, screams, and exclamations which proceeded from the adjoining room, where we had deposited our baggage. On has tening thither we beheld a scene which beggars descrip tion. It seems the jolly landlord had that evening expected a bag of cabbages from a garden he possessed a little way out of the village, but had gone to bed with out thinking to inquire whether they were actually arrived. The circumstance occurred to him while in bed, and as he was one of those fidgety impatient bodies that can never sleep with a doubt on their minds, he had rung the bell and directed the fair damsel with the organ of inquisitiveness so finely developed to search for the bag of cabbages, and let him know whether it had come. In pursuance of this order, she at length encountered our bag, and feeling something round in it, untied the string, put in her hand and brought out the identical scull of Quintilius Varus, grinning defiance to Arminius and all his host. The poor girl screamed and fell flat on the floor, upsetting at the same time the bag, which poured forth its contents, rolling in all directions about the room. The scream brought out every living thing within the house, not excepting the cat and the dog. As they entered the room to see what was the matter, they encountered the implements of phrenology, and tumbled THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 199 one upon the other in horrible confusion, screaming with terror as they discovered the obstacles that had occa sioned their fall. The jolly host trembled from top to toe, and swore as loudly as his chattering teeth would permit, as he stood with his tufted nightcap on one side of his head ; the inamorato of the inquisitive damsel, who was no other than the hostler, now hovered over his mistress blubbering, and now fell a kicking the inno cent causes of her catastrophe while pussy, delighted with so pretty a plaything, was purring and pawing with the phrenological index of poor Varus. There was not a face less white than a sheet in the whole party, except that of the African cook, which became absolutely ten times blacker than ever with terror and dismay. When Doctor Gallgotha saw the pillars, as it were, of his science thus overthrown and rolling on the floor, subject to the kicks of an illiterate clown and the paw- ings of an ignorant pussy, he lost all patience, and ex claimed in a hollow voice that seemed to come from one of the tongueless remains before us, and startled even me " Avaunt ! base and illiterate plebeians fly skip and leave the sacred depositories of the most sublime and incomprehensible of all sciences which ye have thus impiously assailed leave them, I say and thou, most sacrilegious of the feline breed, no longer pollute with thy unhallowed paw the remains of thy betters. Look at me," continued he, "I come from the regions of the dead I have been for more than thirty years the companion of these eloquent remains, that speak without tongues and philosophize without brains I have con versed all my life with dead men s bones and may say without exaggeration that I come into the world an envoy from the grave !" " A ghost a ghost !" shrieked men, women, and children at this appalling speech ; and indeed the doctor had something extremely supernatural about him at that 200 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. moment. His pale and hollow cheeks, sunken eyes, shining forehead, and scull of polished ivory, unshadowed by a single hair, as he stood holding up the nob of Varus in his hand, altogether seemed to justify the renewed terrors of the group, which now hurried helter- skelter out of the room into the dark entry, where the jolly landlord fell over the damsel with the organ of inquisitivcness so finely developed the black cook over the jolly landlord, and the rest one upon another in hor rible confusion. On their departure the doctor replaced his treasures in the bag, which he desired me to carry up into our sleeping-room, where we disposed ourselves to rest. The last thing the good man did before he fell asleep was to observe to me the singular exemplifica tion of the truth of his principles which had just occurred. " It was phrenologically impossible," said he, " that any other person in the house, but the damsel with the organ of inquisitiveness, should have had the curiosity to open my bag." We slept late in the morning, partly owing to the fatigue of our day s journey and partly to the circum stance of remaining entirely undisturbed. Not a soul knocked at the door, and the region about us seemed as quiet as if inhabited only by Varus and his speechless companions. Seeing the sun shining bright into our window, I got up, dressed myself, and waking my com panion, we descended together into the room we had occupied the night before. Not a soul came near us, and there was no symptom of preparation for breakfast. I opened a door which led into the bar-room to inquire for somebody, and detected the inquisitive damsel peep ing through the keyhole. She screamed, and fled away like a wild crane. " More confirmation of the sublime science," exclaimed the doctor, rubbing his hands " but I should like something to eat." Once more I opened the door and sallied forth, but could find no living soul save ourselves in the whole house. I then pro- THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 201 ceeded to the stable, where by good luck, as I supposed, I encountered the hostler, who, the moment he saw me with the doctor at rny heels, who by this time had over taken me, seized his pitchfork, and exclaimed, "Doant ee coom noigh me now dont ee oi should nt mooch loike to kill a spook, but by gum and ye coom ony noigher oill make day-light shoine through two holes in ee, I wool so I wool." So saying, he retreated under cover of his fork into the recesses of the stable, and there entrenched himself behind a large goat who shouldered his horns at us in defiance. Perceiving no prospect of getting any breakfast here, after a little preliminary discussion, we decided to saddle our horse and proceed forthwith to the next town as fast as possible, lest the panic should precede us. The hostler stood behind his entrenchment and witnessed our preparations without the least apparent disposition to interfere. When all was ready, the doctor proffered payment for our entertainment and that of our horse. " Noa noa," was the reply " Oi want none of thy diabolical money, not oi oi dare to say it would set moi breeches afire or turn into snakes in moi pocket noa noa goa ee away to the grave where the old mon says he belongs art welcome to the provender dang it if I did nt think he eat his oats different from a Christian horse loike goa now do goa, or dang me if I doant stick ee." " Let me first examine your cerebral development to see if you are really inclined to commit murder," quoth the doctor, advancing. " Shalt see it quick enough if thee comest any noigher," said hostler, marshalling his pitchfork. " Let us begone," said the doctor " I d as soon attempt to teach the sublime science to a horse as to that illiterate Cyclop." Accordingly we proceeded to the house still silent and deserted as before, placed our baggage upon the horse, 13 202 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. and leaving what we supposed sufficient for our fare upon the table, departed from the village. As we turned to take a last look at the inn, we detected the inquisitive damsel peeping cautiously out of a garret window. " Still new demonstrations," cried the doctor, and fora time forgot he had eaten no breakfast. I afterward learned that the appearance of the doctor had become a regular ghost story, already incorporated into the country legends, and that the jolly landlord would not touch the money we left on the table until it had been soundly exorcised. Proceeding on our journey, about noon we arrived at a town, which, being the seat of government of a sove reign prince, who had one-sixth of a vote at the diet, and whose territory was full a league and a half square, was a place of some consequence. Here we deter mined to stop for the purpose of refreshment, and with a design to stay long enough to deliver a lecture at least. Accordingly, advertisements were posted up in the most conspicuous quarters : for it is to be observed the prince would not allow of a newspaper in his dominions, for fear it might overturn his empire an invitation was also sent to the prince and princess, together with the lords and ladies of the court, to honour with their presence a lecture on the sublime science. No further particulars were given. " We will surprise them," quoth the doc tor, " with an entire novelty." The best apartment of the inn was procured, and dimly lighted to suit the solemn obscurity of the science to be illustrated ; and the table behind which the doctor stood to deliver his lecture was covered with a student s black cloak borrowed for the occasion. It was somewhat late in the evening before the lecture began, for the prince always took a nap after dinner, with his head in the lap of his mistress. Besides this, some delay occurred in consequence of several disputes about precedence among the nobility, which the prince settled on his arrival. It THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 203 is curious, by the way, that everywhere else except at courts, when two well-bred persons are going into a room together, the contest is not who shall go first, but who shall go last. At length, however, every thing was settled, and the doctor commenced his lecture by ex plaining the first principles, and general outlines of the sublime science. All this the company endured with exemplary decorum. But when, for the purpose of exemplification, he resorted to his bag, which stood at his side, and one by one leisurely brought forth the sculls of Varus and his companions, there was a terrible uproar among the votaries of science. The sovereign princess shrieked and fainted ; of course the ladies of the court could do no less than follow her example. During their insensibility they some way or other ma naged to get out of the lecture room, leaving me and the doctor alone, like the children in the wood. The prince was so enraged that he threatened to shut us up in a prison he had, called the Seven Towers ; but from this he was dissuaded by a cunning old fox of a minister, who reminded him of the practice of throwing a tub to a whale. " It will keep the people from thinking and talking about a representative government and such dan gerous matters," said he, " which is the great use of the arts and sciences." So we escaped the prison of the Seven Towers. We heard afterward that the reign ing princess had been brought to bed of a young prince whose cerebral development was exactly that of Quinti- lius Varus. I shall pass over the various incidents of the remain ing portion of our journey till we reached Paris, merely observing that the doctor, by reason of enlisting every thing that fell in his way among the demonstra tions and exemplifications of the sublime science, had established it in his own mind ten times stronger than ever, and so firmly convinced himself and me, that we would have laid down our lives in defence of its prin- 204 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. ciples. By the time we arrived at Paris, we were pre cisely in that state of enthusiastic excitement which the vulgar call madness, but which philosophers and theo rists well know proceeds from an innate and heaven- born conviction of the truth, connected with a vehement zeal in its propagation. At Paris we found the throne of science, as it were, deserted and vacant. Ever since the fashionable ladies became scientific, it has been observed that nothing but novelty will go down at lectures. They get tired even of inspiration, if too often repeated, and the noblest truths of the most sublime sciences are interesting and attractive only so long as they continue to be new. They coquette with the sciences, as they do with their lovers, and a new science to a fashionable blue-stocking, is as a new face or a new fashion. In this state was Paris on our arrival. The astronomers with their great tele scopes had ransacked the heavens until not a single in cognito star remained; the botanists could find no new plants to christen with unchristian names ; the naturalists having exhausted the living world, were busily employed upon antediluvian bones ; the chymists having become tired of enacting the bottle-conjuror, were fast relapsing into their former usefulness and confining their lectures to those who only came there to be instructed. In short, the old threadbare sciences were quite out of fa vour with the fashionable amateurs, as affording nothing but useful practical knowledge, only fit for musty schol ars and greasy mechanics. There was not a good joke stirring in all Paris nor a new tragedy to frighten the government, with declamations about liberty in the mouth of a Greek patriot nor a rumour of a conspir acy, an intrigue, or a change in the ministry to keep people from dying of ennui, which they certainly would have done if it had not been for a certain ultra-viscount and his new theatre. In short, we came in the nick of time, and the whole world was, as it were, before us. THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 209 The doctor lost no time in announcing his arrival, and calling upon some of the most confirmed Maecenii of the city, who are said to be so fond of patronage that they consider it a great obligation for anybody to apply for it at their hands. One of these was a good lady, who immediately got into her carriage, and before night had engaged half the beau-monde of Paris to come to the lecture on an entire new science, which had never before been heard of among the learned. In truth, a most brilliant audience collected to hear the doctor, who on this occasion for the first time promoted me to the office of handing and returning the cerebral developments as he had occasion to use them in the course of his lecture. The lecture with which Dr. Gallgotha commenced his course in Paris, was the same that frightened the sovereign princess and her court into fits ; but I will do the ladies of Paris the justice to say that they stood the display of our phrenological specimens like heroines ; whether it be that the French women are naturally bolder than the German, or that a certain fashionable philosopher had in some degree prepared them for sci entific horrors, by his exhibition of fossil remains. The thing took amazingly there was something new in the idea of looking at the back of the head, instead of the face, to ascertain the peculiarities of human character, and novelty is indispensable to the existence of people who have exhausted all other pleasures. There were indeed some ladies belonging to the coteries of the old lecturers, who affected to laugh at the doctor s theory, but even they were effectually silenced by a discovery of my master, that the organ of tune was developed in the head of the famous composer Rossini, to such a de gree that it had actually monopolized nearly the whole of his cerebellum. There was no resisting this proof, not only that Rossini was a great composer of tunes, but likewise that the doctor s science was infallible. 206 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. The fiddler and the doctor accordingly were the two greatest men in Paris. The rage for cerebral develop ments became intense, and thenceforward every lady of the least pretensions to fashion or science procured a scull, marked and mapped conformably with the prin ciples of the sublime science, which she placed on her toilet in order that she might dress and study at the same time. Two or three of the most zealous female devotees actually fell in love with the doctor, being deeply smitten with his cerebral development. The fashionable gentlemen whose sole business is to make love, began to grow jealous of Varus and his legions, and one or two ludicrous anecdotes occurred which set all Paris tittering. I will relate them, although I can not vouch for their truth any farther than to say that everybody believed them. A young nobleman was deeply enamoured of a beautiful lady of high rank, and particularly jealous of one of his rivals who wore powder in his hair. He had been absent some weeks on military duty, and re turning to town one evening, proceeded directly to the house of his mistress intending to surprise her with a visit. Finding a servant at the door, he inquired for the lady, and was told that she was so deeply engaged that she could see nobody. The jealousy of the lover was alarmed, and pushing the servant aside, he pro ceeded silently towards the lady s boudoir, the door of which he found shut. Pausing a moment, he heard as he imagined two voices within exchanging words of most particular endearment, and something in the pauses that sounded like kissing. Human nature could stand it no longer. He peeped through the keyhole, where he saw a sight that drove him to madness. The lady was sitting by the light of a fire which was fast going out, caressing and fondling a figure, the whiteness of whose head too well indicated his detestable powdered rival. From time to time he heard the words amativeness, ad- THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 207 hesiveness, hope, secretiveness, and elopement, or some thing that sounded very like it. The thing was per fectly plain they were exchanging professions of love and planning an elopement. The sight and the con viction was no longer to be borne. He burst open the door furiously, and being in full uniform as an officer of the guards, drew his sword, and making a desperate blow at the powdered head, it flew off the shoulders and rolled upon the floor. The lady shrieked and sunk from her seat ; the jealous lover hearing a noise in the outward apartments, and supposing he had done the gentleman s business pretty effectually, bethought himself that it was high time to take care of himself. He accordingly made the best of his way out of the house, towards the gate St. Honore, through which he hurried into the country, nor stopped till he had safely lodged himself within his castle in Normandy. From thence he wrote a letter filled with the most cut ting reproaches charging his mistress with falsehood, cruelty, deceit, and all sorts of villany, and vowing on the cross of his sword never to see her more. The lady laughed two full hours on the receipt of this defi ance. When she had done laughing, as she really had a regard for her admirer, she sat down and wrpte him the following reply : " Good Monsieur Jealousy " You are welcome to call me what you will, except it be old or ugly. However, I forgive you, and so does the formidable rival whose head you so dexterously sev ered from his body, and who I give you my honour is not the least the worse for the accident. I solemnly assure you, you may come back to Paris without the least danger of being prosecuted by the family of Monsieur M , or being received by me with ill-humour, for I shall laugh at you terribly. Your friend, N. N." 18 208 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. This epistle puzzled the lover not a little, and caused him fifty sensations in a minute. First he would re turn to Paris, and then he would not then he resolved never to see his mistress again and next to mount his horse, return immediately, look her stone dead, and then set out on his travels to the interior of Africa. This last resolution carried the day, and he forthwith returned to Paris in as great a hurry as he had left it. When the lady saw him, she was as good as her word she laughed herself out of breath, and the more he re proached her, the louder she laughed. However, as anger and laughter can t last for ever, a truce took place in good time, and the lady addressed her lover as fol lows : " Cease thy reproaches, my good friend, and hear me. I am determined to give you the most convincing proof in the world of my truth and attachment, by de livering your rival into your hands, to be dealt with as you think proper. Know that he is now concealed in this very room." " Is he ?" replied the other in a rage " then by heaven he has not long to live I shall take care to cut off his head so effectually this time that the most ex pert surgeon in Paris shall not put it on again where is the lurking caitiff? But I need not ask I see his infernal powdered head peeping from under the sofa come out villain, and receive the reward of thy inso lence in rivalling me." So saying, he seized the treacherous powdered head, and to his astonishment drew it forth without any body to it. He stood aghast and the lady threw herself on the sofa, and laughed ten times louder than before. " What in the name of woman," cried he at last, "is the meaning of all this mummery ?" " It means that I am innocent and that your wor ship is jealous of the scull, or what is worse, the plas ter counterfeit of the scull of your grandmother, the THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 209 immortal author of the Grand Cyrus. I was but ad miring the beautiful indication of the amative organ, from which it plainly appears impossible that any other person could have written such prodigiously long devel opments of the tender passion." " But why did you kiss the filthy representation of mortality V " You were mistaken," answered the lady, " as the room was rather dark, I placed my face close to it in order the better to see and admire its beautiful cerebral development." " Its what 1" replied the lover impatiently. " Its phrenological indications." ** And what in the name of heaven are these ?" cried the lover, in some alarm for the intellects of his fair mis-- tress. The lady then proceeded to explain to him the revolution in science which had taken place during his absence ; and a reconciliation being the consequence, that night took him to the doctor s lecture that he might no longer be an age behind the rest of the world. The story got abroad indeed the lady could not resist tell ing it herself to a friend with strict injunctions of secrecy and all Paris became still more devoted to the sublime science for having afforded such an excellent subject for a joke. The other story relates to a young nobleman whose situation near the king, and orthodox ultraism, made him a very distinguished person in the beau-monde. But he was distinguished only in a certain way ; that is, he was a sort of butt, on whose shoulders every ridicu lous incident was regularly fathered, whether it owed its paternity to him or not. As Pasquin stands sponsor for all the wise sayings of Rome, so M. the Viscount came in for all the foolish actions of Paris. He was, as it were, residuary legatee to all the posthumous follies of his ancestors, as well as the living absurdities of his noble cotemporaries. He was one of those people who 210 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE, fancy themselves most eminently qualified for that for which they are most peculiarly unfit, and whom folly and vanity combined are perpetually stimulating to act in direct opposition to nature or destiny. He was con temptible in his person yet he set up for a beau and Adonis he was still more contemptible in mind yet he never rested till he had bought the title of a Maece nas and a savan of an industrious manufacturer of ultra- doggrel rhymes, whom he had got into the National Institute. He was, moreover, born for a valet, or at best, a pastry-cook yet he aspired to the lofty chivalry and inflexible honour of a feudal baron ; and he became a soldier, only, as it would seem, because he was the greatest coward in all Paris. It was well known that he gave five hundred francs to a noted bully to let him beat him at a public coffee-house, and afterward allowed his brother, a tall grenadier, a pension not to kill him for it. The viscount had likewise been absent some months at a small town in one of the northern departments, whi ther he had gone to suppress an insurrection, begun by two or three fish-women, stimulated as was shrewdly suspected, by an old gardener, who had, as was con fidently asserted, been one of Napoleon s trumpeters. On his return, he for the first time heard of the sublime science arid its progress among the beau-monde. The viscount hated all innovations in science, or indeed any thing else. He aspired to be a second Joshua, and to make the sun of intellect at least stand still, if he could not make it go backwards as he had good hopes of doing. Without waiting to hear any of the particulars of our exhibition, he hastened, armed and in uniform as he was, to the hotel where the doctor was at that moment just commencing a lecture. The valiant viscount advanced with great intrepidity close to the table, and leaning gracefully on his sword, listened in silence to discover whether there was any THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 211 thing that smacked of democracy or heterodoxy. At the proper moment I put my hand into our Golgotha, and leisurely drew forth the far-famed scull of Varus, whom I have always considered the most fortunate man of all antiquity, in having been surprised and slain in the now more memorable than ever forest of Teutoburgium. As we scientific gentlemen have a hawk s eye for a new comer, one of whom is worth a host of old faces at a lecture, I took care in bringing the cerebral development forth, to thrust it directly towards the face of the viscount with the teeth foremost. The viscount fell back, fainted, and lay insensible for some minutes. But the moment he revived he started upon his legs in a phrensy of ter ror, and began to lay about him with his good sword so valiantly that nobody dared to come near him. First he attacked the doctor and myself, whom he charged with the massacre of the eleven thousand virgins, and the introduction of infidel sculls into France, which was tantamount to preaching infidelity. The innocent cerebellum of poor Varus next felt the effects of his terror-inspired valour. He hacked it until the cerebral development was entirely destroyed, and then proceeded in like manner to make an example of the contents of the bag, which he shivered without mercy with his in vincible sword. In short, before he fairly came to his senses, the worthy gentleman had demolished almost every thing in the room put out the lights and fright ened every soul from the lecture. The solitude and darkness which succeeded brought him gradually to his recollection, when finding himself thus left alone with the ruins of so many pagan sculls, he gave a great shriek, scampered out of the room, and did not stop until he had sheltered himself in the very centre of a corporal and his guard, belonging to his regiment, who all swore they would stand by him till the last drop of their blood. This adventure was fatal to my master, Dr. Gallgo- tha. In the first place, it deprived him of nearly the 212 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. whole of his phrenological specimens, and without these he was like a workman despoiled of his tools. Be sides, the viscount had the very next morning demanded an audience of the king, in which he denounced the doctor, as tinctured very strongly with liberalism, and its invariable concomitants of sacrilege and impiety. Now I will venture to affirm, that the good doctor was not only perfectly ignorant of the very meaning of the word liberal, but that he was equally innocent of the other two charges. The truth is, all his organs of faith, morality, and politics were swallowed up, or elbowed out of the cerebellum by the prodigious expansion of the organ of ideality or invention. However this may be, the king was more afraid of the three abominations of liberalism, than of plague, pestilence, and famine. He consulted the Jesuits, who forthwith decided upon taking the poor doctor and all his works into custody. The valiant vis count, who always volunteered in all cases of liberalism and impiety, undertook the task, aided by a guard of soldiers armed in proof, for he did not know but the doctor might have another bag-full of pericraniums. Advancing with great caution they surrounded the house, while the captain of the guard, with three stout resolute fellows, entered for the purpose of reconnoitring the ground, and especially of ascertaining that there were no sculls to frighten the viscount. The gallant soldier, having settled the latter point to his satisfaction, charged bayonet in the rear of his guards, and rushing up stairs in spite of Varus and his legions, detected the doctor in the very act of committing to memory a new lecture he had just composed for the purpose of demonstrating that there was a certain organ of the cerebellum, the enlarged development of which always entailed upon its possessor the absolute necessity of committing murder. The doctor and I were clapped up in prison, and his lecture carried to court to undergo a strict examination by the king s confessor and the Jesuits. THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 213 It was some time before these expert mousers of radi calism and infidelity could make any thing of the doc tor s lecture, or discover any offence to church or state. At length they came to that part where, in summing up the subject, he laid down the doctrine of the actual necessity certain persons laboured under of committing murder, and that the rule applied as well to kings as to their subjects. " He inculcates the doctrine of equality," cried one " he denies the divine right of kings." " He is a republican," cried a second. " He is a traitor," cried a third. A little further on, they found the following assertion " I deny that the three legions of Varus formed one body." " Behold !" said the confessor, " he denies the trin ity he maintains that three is not one enough, let us burn the book and hang the doctor." Some of the more moderate counsellors, however, as I afterward learned, petitioned for a mitigation of the sentence, which was finally commuted into perpetual banishment. We were sent for to hear our doom, and the viscount, who always liked a good-natured errand, was the bearer of the message. As we followed him into the palace, which we all entered uncovered, the doctor observed to me that the viscount had a most formidable development of the organ of self-esteem. The con fessor lectured the doctor upon his vile infidelity, his liberalism, and disaffection to church and state, all which came as naturally together as so many chymical affinities. The doctor demanded the proof, and was referred to the passages I have just repeated. It was in vain that he referred in turn to the other members of the sentences thus garbled, to prove that he was neither alluding to religion or politics in his lecture. " No matter," said a cunning Jesuit, who could con- 214 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. vert a wink of the eye into treason, and a nod of the head into blasphemy " no matter a proposition may be both treasonable and heterodoxical in itself, although it has no immediate application to either politics or reli gion. The assertion that three does not make one, is complete in itself, and requires no reference either to what precedes or what follows. In two months you must be out of France." And thus were we banished from the paradise of lec turers, only because Doctor Gallgotha had wickedly and impiously asserted that the physical organs of kings were the same with those of cobblers, and that three legions, separately encamped, did not make one body. The confessor advised us to go to the New World, where, as there was neither loyalty nor religion, we should be in our element. But in truth the doctor was become tired of Paris and of the world of fashion, which had begun to discover symptoms of ennui for some little time past. Indeed, several of his greatest admirers had lately ab sented themselves, to go and see an automaton, who delivered lectures on the physical organization of man, to the astonishment of all the fashionable lovers of science. Besides all this, the determined valour of the viscount had demolished the precious materials by which he exemplified his theory, and he knew not where to supply the loss without resorting to the forest of Teuto- burgium. While we were debating whither to frame our course, and just as I had almost brought the doctor to consent to accompanying me to the city of my nativity, the good old man fell sick, or rather the fabric of nature sunk under him, and the lamp which had illuminated it began to twinkle so faintly in its socket that it was plain the oil was quite spent. He took to his bed, from whence he never rose again. I was going to send for a physician. " No," said he, with a languid smile, " I will die a Christian, but not a martyr. It is cruel to torture age with unavailing THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 213 remedies. Besides, I have not money to pay a doc tor, and it would mortify my pride to be killed for nothing." I have a satisfaction, even at this distance of time, in the recollection that I attended him faithfully to the last, supplied his wants and administered to his infirmities, as if he had been my father. About four o clock one morning, a little before the dawning of the day, and just at the period of time when nature seems to be in her last and profoundest repose, preparatory to waking the doctor, after lying perfectly still for upwards of an hour, suddenly raised himself on his elbow and with an eye clear and bright surveyed the room all around with a slow and measured turn of the head. For a moment his eye rested upon me but he did not speak. He then sunk easily upon his pillow I put my face close to his he breathed into it once and there was a long pause. He is gone, said I no, he breathed again, and there was another still longer pause. It is all over now, said I ; but he respired yet once again and that was the last I waited, but he breathed no more. They would not let me bury him in a churchyard, because, as the confessor maintained, he was no Chris tian, and therefore was not entitled to Christian charity and forgiveness after he was dead. But I buried the old philosopher where the grass grew as green, the flowers bloomed as gay, and the birds warbled as sweetly as if the spot had been blessed by the confessor himself. Having done this, I turned my face towards the Athens of the North, which I now felt myself thor oughly qualified to enrich with an entire new science. I had succeeded indeed, beyond all expectation, and our society having had from time to time, mysterious hints of my progress, was expecting me with anxious impa tience. I accordingly gathered together the wrecks of my old friend s lectures, which had escaped the researches of 216 THE PERFECTION OP SCIENCE. the ultra-viscount, and set out on my return to my own country. Without troubling you with the incidents of my jour ney which are of no consequence, I arrived in safety at the seat of the sciences. I had been expected with anxiety, and was received with rapture, as one destined to revive the dormant excitement of the fashionable devotees. I found there had been a terrible falling off in my absence. Money had actually got the upper hand of merit ; feasts were preferred to philosophy ; dances to dogmatizing ; gallants to gallypots ; and what was worst of all, the most invincible blue-stocking, with out beauty, was no match for a country simpleton, with blue laughing eyes, rosy cheeks, and a partridge figure. Such was the backsliding which had taken place, that a fashionable baronet ventured to declare publicly in favour of downright ignorance ; and an old professor of anatomy was detected in deserting a discussion upon fossil remains, to go and look at a pretty girl who was dancing a cotillion. In short, the temple of science was tottering, and nothing could save it but starting new game, and creating an excitement by some absolute originality. My accomplices wanted to know very much what I had brought home with me to tickle the lovers of science ; but I was determined neither they nor the public should learn any thing on the subject, until I dis closed it in a public lecture. I was determined to take the northern Athens by surprise. Accordingly, it was announced that I would deliver a lecture on phrenology on a particular evening. Phrenology ! it sounded indeed like something new. The blues ran to their dictionary, but for once they were baffled the word had not yet got there. It was an entire new coinage. The great difficulty was in procuring the necessary cere bral developments for the purposes of illustration, without subjecting myself to the penalty of the laws. Finding THE PERFECTION OF SCIE1SCE. 217 nothing better could be done, I one night went out of the city upon the common, and picked up a number of sculls of animals, principally dogs, to serve me on this one occasion. There was one which had doubtless belonged to a large bull-dog, that I was resolved should stand for the identical scull of Varus, which the wrathful viscount had so inhumanly demolished at Paris. Every exertion was made by the society and its friends to get together a fashionable auditory, and accordingly the capacious lecture-room of the northern Athens was crowded with bonnets and feathers most magnificently. There was a brilliant audience, as was first said of play houses, and is now said of churches and lecture-rooms. I confess I felt somewhat skittish in this first attempt to try on an entire new science. However, I put a good face on the matter, and lectured away, regardless of consequences. I must do them the justice to say they took it with great good-humour. When I talked of the organ of amativeness, the young folks tittered, and began to feel for it at the back of each other s heads I was assured that many secret attachments were brought to light by this scrutiny, three of which resulted in elopements the next day. But when I brought forth the scull of the bull-dog, which I announced as that of Quintilius Varus, the effect was sublime. There was a general scream from the ladies, and two or three heroes of the Peninsula, in full uniform, were observed to look hard at the door. However, they stood their ground manfully, and by putting a bold face on the matter, reassured the more timid of the auditory. Upon the whole, I got through with flying colours, and the debut of the new science was pronounced eminently successful. By the next lecture, I procured a real apparatus of cerebral developments, which I had mapped out to the best of my recollection, according to the theory of Dr. Gallgotha. After this successful debut, I continued my course, K 218 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. and made proselytes at every lecture, until at length they became sufficiently numerous to form a society, which was accordingly established under the name of the Phrenological Institute. So alarming indeed was rny progress, that the old sciences which had once been belles, and still retained a strong disposition to coquette it a little with their veteran beaux, began to wax jealous. Finding themselves, like the ancient Britons, likely to be subjected by the very power they had called over in their own defence, they raised the standard against me and my phrenological brethren. They pronounced my science no science at all ; affirming that unlike all others it was subject to no rules, or, at least, to none but imaginary ones, that were nei ther susceptible of demonstration, nor maintainable on the ground of experiment or reasoning. The physiog nomists especially, led the van against me, as being their most formidable opponent ; and as a wag of our society observed, we were of necessity in a minority, because all persons without brains would of course take sides against a science founded on the supposed existence of what nature had denied them. We con tinued to make head against this formidable array, and to maintain our ascendency, until, in an evil hour, some workmen in digging among the foundations of a ruined abbey discovered the scull of King Robert Bruce, which falling into the hands of our enemies, was forthwith arrayed against Yarus and his legions. It was imme diately put to the phrenological test, and found wanting in many of the cerebral developments characteristic of the known qualities of that renowned deliverer of Scot land, and destroyer of phrenology. As ill luck, or des tiny would have it, the development of his organs was phrenologically at war with the whole history of his life ; and there was no getting over this desperate anomaly except by either denying its identity, denying its his tory, or lastly, explaining the incidents away in such a THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 219 manner as to reconcile them to our theory. " If the mountain* won t come to Mahomet," said the wag of a member, " Mahomet must go to the mountain if the head of King Robert won t accommodate itself to our science, we must make his history do it, which will be just as well." Accordingly he set about the task, and at our next meeting produced a dissertation, in which he proved pretty clearly that King Robert was altoge ther a different person from what all the world had believed him to be for centuries ; and that so far from his cerebral development contradicting the princi ples of the sublime science, it demonstrated their truth beyond question. This dissertation was immediately made public, but although every member of our society believed it would effectually silence all our opponents, such is the obsti nacy of long received opinions, and such the inveteracy of jealous rivalry, that it had little influence on the world, and the scull of King Robert proved in the end the battle of Bannockburn to our society. Daily desertions took place from the benches of my lecture-room ; the young lovers began again to look into each other s eyes and study the changeable velvet of the cheeks for indications of the universal passion ; and at length it came to pass that none but the canine race thought of going to the rear to study characters. What the head of King Robert had begun, another head was destined to finish. A gentleman just arrived from abroad, brought with him, and presented to our society, a cast which he as sured me was an exact representation of the scull of SERVIN, immortalized in Sully s Memoirs, as a monster compounded of the sublimest genius and the most gro velling detestable vices. On examination, I discovered to my infinite delight that the cerebral development ex hibited the character and propensities of Servin with a degree of precision that, if known, would silence all cavilling, and go far to establish my system beyond K2 220 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. question. I determined at once to bring it into the field in opposition to the head of King Robert, and let them fight it out before the public. Accordingly I announced the receipt of my treasure, and invited all skeptics to come and receive a demonstration of the sublime truths of phrenology. I had not seen such an audience for many a day, although the evening was stormy, and commenced my lecture on Servin s head in high spirits. I pointed out the development so exactly corresponding with the character here the organ of ideality, announ cing the extent of his genius and there the organ of cunning and cruelty, announcing the extent of his crimes and duplicity. Here the organ of tune, demonstrating his taste for music ; there the organ of languages, exem plifying his unequalled capacity for their acquirement. Here philoprogeniti veness there destructiveness here secretiveness there concentrativeness. In short, I proved that the head could have belonged to none but a person of great intellectual capacity, contrasted with equal depravity. In the triumph of my heart, I held it up to the audience as the hero of phrenology, the invin cible rival and conqueror of King Robert. I shook it in the faces of the unbelievers, and handled it at length with so little discretion, that it fell from my grasp upon the floor, and the plaster flew about in all directions. I hastened to lift it up again, and presenting it to the light, was struck with horror and dismay. The scaling of the plaster had exposed to view the rude outlines of one of those wooden heads which sometimes ornament the coasting vessels of my native country. I had not the presence of mind to put it out of sight, but stood in stu- pifying embarrassment without uttering a word, when I was at length roused by a hoarse voice crying out " I) n my eyes, Tom, is nt that the head of the Lovely Nancy, that some rascally land-lubber stole from her bows the other night ?" Tom immediately confirmed this with a round sailor s oath, adding " Tis THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 221 a lucky godsend that we came in here for a harbour from the storm to-night, to unkennel this thief of the world, with his outlandish gibberish about serving heads if this is the way he serves them, he ll get served with a baker s dozen at the gangway before long." So say ing, the two gallant tars advanced to the table, and seizing the head of the Lovely Nancy, bore it off in triumph, amid shouts of laughter on all sides. There was no lecturing in the northern Athens after this untoward accident, which shook the faith even of the true believers. All my disciples left me with the exception of a worthy advocate, who was saved from utter condemnation as an insuperable blockhead, only by the uncommon development of the organ of ideal ity, which sufficiently demonstrated the extent of his genius. It was neck or nothing with him he must either be an ass or a phrenologist. The others were all laughed away from me. There was now but one way left me to establish the truths of the sublime science, and that was to demon strate them by actual practice to make them the guides of my conduct in life, and to disregard entirely the t flickering lights of experience, as well as those vague, uncertain, and delusive indications of character which are supposed to exhibit themselves in the conduct and disposition of mankind. I determined either to show the world the superiority of the unerring test of the cere bral developments, over all other touchstones of human passions, or perish in the attempt. Men have in all ages and nations sacrificed themselves to the establish ment of great truths nay, many have voluntarily be come victims to the most absurd, vain, and mischievous theories. Superstition has had, if possible, more en thusiastic and willing martyrs than true religion ; and thousands have shed their blood for the support of false hood, who would have shrunk from doing it in defence of truth. I will, therefore, said I, not flinch from the 222 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. duty before me. I will become the high-priest, or the martyr of my science ; and if I cannot prove its sub lime truths, will at least offer a demonstration that I believe in them myself. For this purpose it was necessary to leave for awhile the path of philosophy and abstraction, for the busy occupations and pursuits of practical life. It is these, and these only, that in the eyes of the vulgar and near sighted of mankind, furnish the test of truth. They judge of a science or a theory, not by the unerring standard of its abstract beauty, ingenuity, or grandeur, but by its pitiful practical operation, within the sphere of their own actual experience. The great and radical difference between the ignorant and the wise, is, that the former persist in obstinately believing what they see, without being able to explain its causes ; while the latter consider the evidence of the five senses as only fit for a court of justice, and believe in nothing but what they can account for. They justly consider, that as man is emphatically a reasoning being, he ought not to give credit to any fact, however obvious it may be to his senses, unless it is supported by at least one gofcd sub stantial reason on either side, like a bladder under each arm of a swimmer. The vulgar, for example, believe that beef killed in the decrease of the moon, will always shrink in the boiling, because they see it every day, although they can t account for the phenomenon ; while the wise go upon surer grounds they first decide whe ther a thing is theoretically possible, and then assert that it exists. The vulgar are like the blind man, who denied the existence of light because he could not feel it with his fingers, nor snuff it up with his nose, nor taste it with his tongue, nor hear it with his ears ; while the wise may be likened to the ancient philosopher, who would not believe his eyes when he saw his house set fire to by lightning, because he could not account for the phenomenon. In fine, the ignorant are the dupes of the five senses ; while the wise are governed by the imagi- THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 223 nation alone that sublime and almost omnipotent fac ulty which creates worlds out of nothing, and makes laws for those that never had an existence. But to return from this digression. The practical business of this life, it will be found, consists principally in three things getting married getting a family and getting rich. There are other miscellaneous occupations such as driving tandem running in debt bilking landlords and tailors and walking up and down the streets but these are not so general as to form any of the grand divisions of human pursuits. In the furtherance of my great object of demonstrating the sublime truths of phrenology by the vulgar mode of practical application, I resolved to kill two birds with one stone by entering into business, and looking out for a wife at the same time. Not knowing much of the ordinary transactions of the mercantile world, \ found it necessary in the first place to choose a partner with whom I could intrust my capital, and in whose skill I might rely in the transaction of our busi ness. Some people would have gone about inquiring whether this man or that man was a prudent, honest, sensible, and experienced person ; and whether he had been long enough known in the community to have established, as the vulgar phrase is, a good character. But I was determined to go a short way to work. I advertised for a partner, with a head as like Sir Thomas Gresham as possible, having the zygomatic process very projecting, the organ of order strongly developed, and the sentiments of cautiousness, conscientiousness, veneration, benevolence, and firmness, all beautifully exhibited on the cerebellum. Without all these, I was fully convinced no man could be a great merchant or build a Royal Exchange. In the course of a few days several offered themselves to inspection, whose characters were excellent, but whose cerebral developments convinced me they either 224 In*. PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. had been, or would be, in the course of their lives, con summate rogues. It is astonishing indeed to see how the world is frequently, not to say continually, imposed upon by people who actually go down to their graves with the reputation of virtue, although fate and phrenol ogy both ordained it should be otherwise. I can only account for it on the ground of deception, or want of opportunity. Being resolved not to be imposed upon by the specious seductions of a good character, I dis missed these applicants one after the other as civilly as possible. At length a person presented himself, who underwent the phrenological test greatly to my satisfac tion. He had the finest development for a merchant I ever saw. The organ of acquisitiveness was on a great scale. " Where is that ?" asked Mr. Quominus. At the anterior inferior angle of the parietal bone. " Hum," quoth Mr. Quominus " and what does the said organ indicate V 9 Sometimes it indicates the tendency to acquire and the desire to possess in general. It is the organ in which the idea of property first originated. Sometimes it leads to the collection of coins, minerals, paintings, and other curiosities of science sometimes to the col lection of bugs, butterflies, and beetles. In men of sense, it gives rise to the disposition to acquire useful things ; in fools and idiots, to collect those that are worth nothing. In some it is the love of science ; in others, the love of money. A man, with the organ of conscientiousness pressing upon that of acquisitiveness, will, if he has a hundred acres of land, feel vast delight in acquiring one hundred more, but he will not resort to any improper means to attain them ; while another man, who hath the organ of acquisitiveness combined with that of secretiveness, will become a thief in spite of himself. He cannot help it if he would. Among the inferior animals, beavers, bees, and ants are observed to THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 225 have the organ of acquisitiveness in great perfection. Indeed, it is conspicuous in all hoarding animals. " What a wonderful science !" exclaimed the other two Wise Men of Gotham. To proceed with my story, said Dr. Spurrem, such was the apt, admirable, and harmonious association of organs in the cerebellum of this person, that I perceived it was quite unnecessary to make any inquiries into his character, qualifications, and pursuits. I saw at once that he was destined to be another Cosmo de Medicis, and forthwith entered into articles of trade with him on the spot. My next business was to get an experienced clerk, which I soon did, by applying the touchstone of the infallible science. I found a man whose organ of num ber was beautifully developed, and most harmoniously associated with that of individuality. " Where are they situated ?" asked Mr. Quominus. The organ of number is designated by the arch of the eyebrow being either much pressed downward, or very much elevated. " Then," observed the Man Machine, " it seems that two appearances, exactly opposite to each other, denote the same thing in the science of phrensy I mean phrenology ?" No such thing, replied the other it only proves that two appearances, entirely dissimilar, may yet be as like as two peas. The development of this organ, to any extraordinary extent, renders it impossible for the owner not to be a most expert hand at figures and calcula tions ; and when associated with the organ of indivi duality " WTiere is that ?" interrupted Mr. Quominus. In the middle of the lower part of the forehead. " And what does it indicate ?" It is the organ of the memory and the sense of things and it is always most strongly developed in children. K3 226 THF n <;i i 01 BOM OF II tltt( I, [t U tko the organ which indicates a pp.uenr to adopt in \\ the. -Mrs to einhiaee the opinions of others, and a \.-r-i 1 acility in tcconimodfttiiig onrsel\<>- to n^tom--, manner-. and < ircumstaiN ei i < i i6ni \\ "h tin- < itrotlglj d\l.ipi d have moreover a ! >mpa- iind l>\ ihe alulih. 1-> Knou (in N and thin;;,- in jM-nrial it pronij \alu M and invrsliiiation il iiic ally ai.l. in pMiiliifHl-; :i Ijilrnl i oi all piarlical In \l\ii ami In in . lo ih medical prai lilinncT, tin- la\\\< i. and ihc iurn-haiil.il i - nuahiahh 1 il c.-iu- innnit air-. ]>.\\cr lo the oialm --- ait t.> the no\clist it 1< nd - 1.1 ,-dl< ;.. ! \ and pi isonili* alion it inspii <M! Spi n- ,1 .li lin Iviinxan and, ahov<> all, it delight- in the "\Miat an imalnahlr . \il.iiinnl Air. Quo- innui- ll it indiralc s luit cv<-r\ tliinir, and 1 slionld thinU (Miy.hi < have IMMMI thii^tcMicd tin 1 <n;:an of uni- \i-.alii\ lallur than of nidi\ idnahtv." \ on an nii-iaK< n. <jnoth llu> other i! i^ not so uni- .1 - \ .MI nia\ iina; .iii(\ A person ha\ in", it stion;dv le\< -lupi d. i. l;n , iH ral iilcas h(^ is not ahle to < onnnan.l his Kno\\l-il;;c \\ilhon1 prrvious prepaiati<Mi. and tin i. I.M( < an hanll\ c\ov luM nnu 1 learned, or a e\femp>i;inc on - oiator. This has bi en jM..\ed hy an rxanunalion ot the seulls of aim species of animal- Irom the t l ojj to th<^ >lephant. " ]\\\\ vh:il h:^lho h<\-id oi a hnlllroof to do with that ot .1 man:" a -Ued the Man Maehino. .lii.t a - mueh as the tail of a dog, said Dr. Spun em. iaihei < .MitMU|t(nou 1 b(^he\e it." said th^ other, dryly. "But really, \vi(h snhiuission, sir, it a]>penrs to }}\c that in your s< : not only dilleixMit and opposite developments sipiily the ..nine thnu .. hnt. \\hat is still m K> rnnarkahle, the s;nn<^ developi^ nt of an ov.an ^iiinilies things altogether dif- 1,-ient- you lust t<^ll us that the orpin of individuality is a;oi\. and then that it prevent-* a man Tit; from -isly. a malily \ Hal in oratory. 1 should think. \ >u tell us n i- peusable to cesiain inch children cannot com prehend, and ceitam . <ueh as law. phy, merchandise, which children cannot en^a^e in. anil vet -ay it is ni >M strongly developed in ehildren. It seems to mo this savours. as it were, of contradiction luoa M contradictory cannot, 1 should think, he true." v . i. d ihe tlort-M- vou had Ix ttcr stick to the man and the eounteraetini; j>nnci|)les. l^> you not kno\\ of the inotlern di-co\ ( iv. that what is morally impossible n .uficaUv \v\\c ? No scicnr ( ^ is M.>\V ccMi<ulcr(\l p t v: . it can n.^t only ilc i-ontrailictions. hut tmpossshilities. Alv dear sir. I never douhted \\w perlectihdity of your M. n Ala- chines : i" m-e. " ^ ith all my heart," said the other. l^e to proeeed. lv . :Kni. Pid you eii^a^e Alan Alaehine with I natural ilevelojuuent that -Mnanv opposite yet reeiM\.-ileahle things t shall hear, returned the > M ^><nl nature soon smoothed down :my httle inisatiou. I had now r and a cleik, on \\hoin 1 eouM eontidently succcssiul conduct of our affairs, and the Nothing was now want- d ami cho-cn \\itha proper regard tv^ th<^ .nfalli!>le . elopmeut. As tliis was th- M-tant matter of all, I neohnMJ to be very particular, and the rules of my art with more than ordinary circumspection. In the first place. | J HT _ i of amativeness EjBBUM me for interrupiin:: von." ^aid Air. Quo- minus " where is that same vM^an, and what does it V \ n It b situated, sir, between the ma-toid process on 228 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. each side of the projecting point, in the middle of the transverse ridge of the occipetal bone. " Any man but an anatomist might as well look for the northwest passage as for these incognito organs," said Quominus " But the indications 1" The organ of amativeness is placed first in the sub lime science, because it indicates the propensity to fall ing in love the desire of propagating our species, with out which there would be neither dogs tails, nor men s heads, and of course no science of phrenology. It is, in fact, the foundation of all ihe sciences. Besides this, it is the organ of a variety of other propensities. Mon sieur Floureus, who amused himself occasionally with trepanning bullfrogs, discovered that it was the organ for regulating muscular motion. " On removing the cerebellum over this part," says he, " the animal loses the power of executing combined movements," he can move one leg, but not both at the same time. It is also the organ of retrograde motions. Doctor Magen- die, who is famous for illustrating the nature of man by the peculiarities of frogs, in performing some experi ments upon these animals, discovered that disturbing this organ " occasioned an irresistible propensity in the ani mal to run, jump, or swim backwards." Other scien tific inquirers have found that when one part was cut, the animal rolled when another, it went forward in extenso when another, it bent double. " O ! I see," interrupted the Man Machine. " This organ is a sort of jack of all trades it can turn its hand to almost any thing. I don t wonder you think it so indispensable in a wife, who should always be particu larly expert at jumping and swimming backwards." The next indispensable requisite in a wife, continued the doctor, not heeding this interruption, is the organ of philoprogenitiveness. " What is that V 9 said Mr. Quominus. The organ which indicates an instinctive love of offspring. THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 229 " I should suppose that to be universal." By no means. Peg J\lacquarrie, who murdered her child, was entirely without it and so was the scull of Varus, who, I have no doubt, as Tacitus don t mention his wife or children, was a confirmed bachelor. Many animals of good reputation drive their offspring from them when young ; and the birds turn their little ones neck and heels out of the nest as soon as they are fledged. All these, it is very remarkable, are destitute of the organ of philoprogenitiveness. It is situated im mediately above the middle part of the cerebellum, and corresponds to the protuberance of the occiput. It is large in the Hindoo, Negro, and Carib women. " Do they love their children better than other wo men ?" asked the Man Machine. If they don t, they ought to do it ; they are scientific ally under the necessity of being what nature plainly intended they should be. The next cerebral develop ment indispensable in the organization of a good wife, is that of concentrativeness. " Where is that, and what doth it signify ?" interrupted Mr. Quominus " I beg pardon, but as I may one day marry myself, it may stand me in stead to know some thing of these matters." It is just above philoprogenitiveness, and just below self-esteem. It indicates sedentary habits and love of home as is proved by the organ being enormously ex panded in a toad that was found imbedded in a solid block of marble, where he must have remained for cen turies. It is likewise very strongly developed in snails, who seldom go from home, as you know. " I suppose then it must be something like a horn, such as the snails have," said the Man Machine. The doctor gave him a queer, side look, and pro ceeded. Doctor Gallgotha observed, in addition to this love of retirement and indisposition to motion, that the develop- 230 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. ment of this organ was very perceptible in the chamois and other animals fond of climbing heights and browsing upon precipices. " An excellent quality in a wife," quoth Quominus. " And a most exquisite organ," said the Man Machine " it plays so many different tunes. Who would have thought that the same thing could signify the propensity of a toad, a snail, and a wife for staying at home, and the propensity of a goat to climb perpendicular rocks and browse upon the edge of precipices ?" The next organ essential to the perfection of woman, or, as the learned say, the sine qua non of a good wife, is " What V 9 said the Man Machine, rubbing his hands eagerly. The organ of adhesiveness, which is just above the lamdoidal suture. It is designated by No. 4, on the phrenological map of the scull. " Have you got the map with you ? I should like to take a look at it," said the other, again interrupting him. I will show it you when I have finished my story, said the doctor, and went on. J cannot better define the indications of this organ than in the words of one of Dr. Gallgotha s lectures. " The faculty of adhesiveness," says the doctor, " produces the instinctive tendency to attach one s self to surrounding objects, animate and inanimate. Those persons in whom it is very strong, feel an involuntary impulse to embrace and cling to the object of their affec tions. In boys it frequently indicates itself by attach ment to dogs, horses, rabbits, squirrels, birds, and other animals. In girls it shows itself in affectionate em braces of " Of what?" interrupted the Man Machine, eagerly. Of dolls, replied the other. It is stronger, and the THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 231 organ is larger in women than in men. "When too strong, it produces the disease called nostalgia "What s that?" asked Mr. Quominus. When feeble, Dr. Gallgotha says, it turns men into hermits, and women into nuns. The organ is large in Mary Maginnes.* The last cerebral development I was resolved to insist upon in the phrenology of my wife, was the organ of order. " Where is that to be found ?" asked Mr. QuominuSi It lies contiguous to the angle of the frontal bone, and indicates a love of regularity, and habit of keeping every thing in its proper place. Doctor Gallgotha es tablished this indication from seeing a Dutch woman, who had a large development of this organ, actually faint away at finding a chair out of its place. It is also prominent in the Termes Bellicosus, the honey-bee, and all animals and insects that live in communities. No animal, however, exhibits it to such perfection as the beaver. " And did you get such a wonder for a wife ?" asked the Man Machine. You shall hear, returned the other. It was a long time, and not until I began almost to despair of meeting a woman phrenologically perfect, that I succeeded to my wishes. At length, in passing through a country where I was a stranger, I encountered one that an swered exactly to all these indications. I inspected her cerebral development, and found all the indications quite perfect. This was all I wanted I made no fur ther inquiries, being determined to put down the enemies of the sublime science by actual demonstration. * It may be as well to apprize the reader in general, that nearly the whole of these phrenological data has been borrowed from Doctor Spurrem, by the author of a work lately published, called " Elements of Phrenology." ED. 232 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. " Had -she the sine qua non, as you call it ?" quoth the Man Machine. Beautifully developed, said the other. I made short work of it. We were married out of hand ; and after being acquainted just long enough for me to examine the cerebral development, I brought her to town in triumph, as a being destined to ensure the triumph of the sublime science. I took a fine house, and lectured to all the company I could persuade to visit us, upon her irrefragable cerebellum. So immersed was I for some time in this ecstatic scrutiny, that I forgot my business, my partner, and my clerk, until a friend came to me one day, and with a face of concern, hinted that our business was going on at a sad rate. " Your partner," said he, " is either a rogue or an ignoramus and your clerk spends his time at taverns and brothels. Every thing is at sixes and sevens you will be ruined to a certainty, if you are not so already." " What ! in spite of the cerebral development." "In spite of fate," re plied my friend. " Pshaw !" replied I " fate is a mere fleabite compared to phrenology." He left me, shaking his head with an air of great concern. I confess, notwithstanding my reliance upon the cere bral development, I was a little uneasy at these warn ings of my friend. My wife too did frequent violence to the organs of order and adhesiveness for she left my house at sixes and sevens, and seemed to adhere to nothing but her own will. We never had any children, so that I can t say how it was with the organ of philopro- genitiveness and as to that of amativeness, the truth of its augury was demonstrated only there was a little of mistake she embraced her lap-dog ten times oftener than me. I shall pass over the remainder of my story with all brevity, as it is not very pleasant to my recol lection, nor very material to my purpose of establishing the practical truths of the infallible science. My part ner dissolved the firm about two years after my marriage, THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 233 by running away, and leaving me answerable for debts which consumed all I had in the world. He took with him every thing he could lay his hands on ; even my invaluable clerk, with the beautiful development, accom panied the second Cosmo De Medicis, and I never saw either of them again. My house and furniture, together with all my phreno logical specimens, not excepting my wife, soon departed from me, either by course of law or course of nature. Though entirely destitute of the organ of combativeness, she held John Doe and Richard Roe at bay three whole days, and defended the fortress like another Jane du Montfort. At length, however, they came to terms. She stipulated for permission to march out with bag and baggage, and I took it for granted that, like the women of Abensburg, she would leave all her finery and carry me off on her back triumphantly. But I was sadly dis appointed, when, after packing up her clothes, trinkets, and other things exclusively appertaining to herself, she came up to me, and making a low courtesy, bade me good-by. " Where are you going, my dear ?" said I " what will you do alone in the world, without your faithful husband. You had better stay and accompany me to prison." " No, thank you, my dear, as much as if I did," re plied she, making another low courtesy " I am too pru dent a woman to trust myself alone in the world, and dkm not very fond of retirement. One of my husbands is waiting outside with a hackney coach to take me home with him." " One of your husbands !" cried I " why, how many have you ?" " A baker s dozen," replied she, gliding gracefully out of the room. " A baker s dozen !" cried the Man Machine " this 234 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. comes of the organ of amativeness and the sine qua non." - " Well," said Mr. Quoniinus gravely " I suppose this put an end to all doubts as to the infallible augu ries of the cerebral development 1" It did, replied the doctor it established their truth in my mind beyond all contradiction or question. " You don t say so !" quoth the other. But I do say so, cried Doctor Spurrem, waxing rather warm I affirm that the failure of my experiment is the best possible proof of the sublimity of the science. " Of its sublimity not of its truth," observed Quo- minus. Of its truth, sir. Every failure in demonstrating the truth adds to the certainty of its existence, and leads most directly to a discovery. You might as well say that there was no New World before Columbus discov ered it, as that nothing is true until it is proved to be so. The science of phrenology may be compared to an undiscovered country a " A terra incognito," said the Man Machine. " An island of Atalantis," said Quoniinus. " An Utopia," cried the other. " A survey of a canal across the Pyrenees," cried Quoniinus. " A rail-way over the Atlantic," roared the Man Ma chine. " A mountain in the moon," vociferated Quoniinus. " But really," said the Man Machine, after a short pause " were you really excuse me were you really such a goose as to believe in the cerebral developments after they had treated you so scurvily ? What could possess you ?" The same spirit that possessed you to believe in the perfectibility of man, and your friend in the perfection of reason. THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE* 235 " And you don t believe in the perfectibility of man?" roared the Man Machine. " Nor in the perfection of reason," exclaimed Mr. Quominus, half-laughing, as if he did not believe in it himself, though he did not like other people to call it in question. No more than I believe the moon is made of green cheese, and peopled with Welsh rabbits. But I do not wonder at your putting these visionary follies and absurd theories on a par with my demonstrative science, since I perceive quite plainly, each of you is entirely destitute of the organ of comparison. " No organ of comparison !" exclaimed the Man Machine. No organ of comparison !" cried Quominus. No, sir nor of wit nor order nor time nor tune nor causality nor constructiveness nor colour ing nor number nor ideality which is synonymous with genius. Your cerebral developments are horrid your indications abominable your cerebellums no bet ter than pine barrens and the backs of your heads have no more meaning than other people s faces. " No genius !" cried the Man Machine. " A pine barren !" exclaimed Quominus. " He is terribly under the influence of the counteract ing principles." " He is worse than Caveat Emptor, or Locus in quo." I could make better sculls out of a potatoe, said the doctor, furiously. " Or the head of the Lovely Nancy," retorted the Man Machine, who with Quominus burst into a roar of laughter at this lucky hit. I have seen people keep their temper when the argu ment was against them, but I never knew even a philo sopher that could stand two to one against him in a laugh. Dr. Spurrem lifted up a stout ivory-headed cane 236 THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. with intent, as I believe, to let it fall on the cerebral development of the Pupil of Circumstances ; but that expert Spinning Jenny warded off the blow with his cocked hat, which was unfortunately knocked over board, and the cane lighted directly on the combative organ of the Perfection of Reason. Each of the Wise Men now started up for the purpose of defending his person, or his theory ; and in the confusion the jolly Bowl, being left without a cockswain, imperceptibly drifted into the eddying circles of a great whirlpool, sup posed to be the Mrelstrom of Norway. Here, after whirling round and round for some time, it unluckily struck against the head of the Man Machine, who was dodging to avoid a second application of the ivory- headed cane. The concussion of these two hard bodies proved fatal to the bowl, which parted exactly in two pieces, just as it floated to the centre of the vortex, in which the whole party was suddenly engulfed. The last vestige of them seen was the tip of the ivory-headed cane, which the doctor seemed still flourishing in vindi- catian of the infallible science. i What became of these renowned philosophers is not precisely known. The most probable, and at the same time, the most consoling opinion is, that this tremendous vortex was one of the great avenues to the newly dis covered CONCENTRIC SPHERES; and that, consequently, there is a possibility at least that our illustrious trio may have found in some other world what they vainly sought in this. THE END. TALES AND NOVELS PUBLISHED BY HARPER & BROTHERS, , NEW-YORK. The TALES, NOVELS, &c. OF MARIA EDGE- WORTH. New and Com plete Edition. Illustrated with Elegant Engravings on Steel, in a series of Ten Volumes, 12mo. 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The notices to be found in various Universal Histories are meager and unsatisfactory; and a narrative at once Christian and liberal in its tone, ipirited and elegant in its language, and adequately depict ing the manners, wars, religion, and policy of the taost remarkable of nations, was still want ing. The nature of the present work is strictly historical not theological yet it elucidates many obscure passages in the Old Testament, MnplOJl n ith great skill the casual evidence of heathen writers, and throws new lighten the manners and customs of the Hebrews by fre quent references to the pages of the oldest travellers. LETTERS ON DEMON- OLOGY AND WITCH CRAFT. By Sir WALTER SCOTT, Bart. 18mo. With an Engraving. Tim is a very curious and interesting work, containing as it does the results of much thought and gre:it research upon one of the most exciting topics of human inquiry. Most of Sir WaHer Scott s unrivalled novels betray the predilection tor the supernatural with which his mind was tinned, and the extent of his reading in works which treat of "the history of that "dark chap ter of hutmn nature - to which this volume is devoted. In it he has laid open the stores of his memory, and strikingly condensed and eluci dated the subject ; in many cases explaining, by most ingenious theories, occurrences which seem to lie beyond the boundaries of natural action. HISTORY OF CHIVAL RY AND THE CRUSADES. By G. P. R. JAMES, Esq. 18mo. With Engravings. No modern writer is, perhaps, so well quali fied to write upon this subject ai the author of " Richelieu," and of the " Life and Times of Charlemagne;" unquestionably, since the death of Kir Walter Scott, the best-informed historical antiquary of the age. The present work con tains, in a small compass, a cl- ar and concise account of that celebrated institution which, in process of time, became the foundation of the modern European systems of govern ment and hirisprudence, with a vivid descrip tion of those amazing ebullitions of national en thusiasm which poured such immense multi tudes of wai l ike pilgrims upon the plains of Asia, and produced such extraordinary changes in the condition of mankind. The work is eminently curious, interesting, learned, and philosophical. NARRATIVE OF DIS COVERY AND ADVEN TURE IN AFRICA. From the Earliest Ages to the Pres ent Time. With Illustration* of its Geology, Mineralogy, and Zoology. By Professoi JAMESON, and JAMES WILSON and HUGH MURRAY, Esqrs. 18mo. Map and Engravings. In this volume is recorded every thing that it known of the interior of that dangerous conti nent, which has been for so many ages a terra incognita, and proved the grave of so many en terprising travellers, except what has been re vealed to us hy the recent investigations of John and Richard Lander. The plan of the work consists of condensed abstracts of the narratives of all the modern African travellers, in wK..:i every thing important or interesting is pre served, while the unessential details have been so abbreviated as to bring the substance of each account within convenient limits. NARRATIVE OF DIS COVERY AND ADVEN TURE IN THE POLAR SEAS AND REGIONS. With Illustrations of their Climate, Geology, and Natural History, and an Account of the W r hale- Fishery. By Professors LES LIE and JAMESON, and HUGH MURRAY, Esq. 18mo. Maps,&c. No person s education can be considered com plete without a certain degree of attention to the most recent improvements and discoveries in every branch of science. In none have greater advances been made, in the present century, than in geography and the knowledge of the earth which we inhabit ; the Polar Seas and Regions have been most fertile in results through the enterprise arid perseverance of a Ross, a Franklin, and a Parry, and this work, in which their investigations are described, is one of most interest inga nd instructive character. PALESTINE, OR THE HOLY LAND. From the Earliest Period to the Present Time. By the Rev. M. RUS SELL, LL.D. 18mo. With a Map and Engravings. The early History of that most interesting portion of the srlobe the theatre of those won derful events from which our religion is derived as well as its present state, is described in this volume with the greatest accuracy. The places of many of the inciden-s recorded in the Bible are pointed out, and the changes that have oc curred in the lapse of ages are carefully delin eated. The work may be read with advantage in connexion with the Sacred History, which it confirms and illustrates.. Works Pubhshed by Harper <f Brothers A VIEW OF ANCIENT AND MODERN EGYPT. With an Outline of its Natural History. By the Rev. M. RUS SELL, LL.D. 18mo. With a Map and Engravings. In this volume is contained a distinct and well arranged account of all that is known with certainty respecting the ancient history, as well as the present condition, of that extraordinary country, whose antiquity baffles the research of the most persevering explorers, and to which both Rome and G.reece were indebted for at least the rudiments of those arts and sciences which were brought in them to such perfection. The stupendous remains of Egyptian architect ure, and tl.e treasures of knowledge that still remainlocked up in the far-famed hieroglyphics, have long engaged the attention of the most ac complished scholars, and every thing relating to thm and the land in which they exist is in the highest degree interesting to the inquiring HISTORY OF POLAND. From the Earliest Period to the Present Time. By JAMES FLETCHER, Esq. With a Nar rative of the Recent Events, obtained from a Polish Patriot Nobleman. 18mo. With a Portrait of Kosciusko. The recent unsuccessful effort of the gallant and unfortunate Poles to break their yoke of bondage has fixed the attention and awakened the sympathies of every lover of freedom and every friend to humanity. The writer of this history has brought to his undertaking much learning, great industry and patience in re- learch, and the most unbiassed candour. The Tolume is full of interest and useful informa tion, drawn from an immense variety of source , many of which are not accessible to the mass of readers, particularly in America. FESTIVALS, GAMES, AND AMUSEMENTS. An cient and Modern. By HOKA- TIO SMITH, Esq. 18ino. With Additions, by SAMUEL WOOD- WORTH, Esq., of New- York. " Laws, institutions, empires pass away and re forgotten, but the diversions of a people. table element of the general feeling, or perpetu ated by circumstances of climate and locality, will frequently survive when every other na. tiona! peculiarity his worn itself out and fallen into oblivion." This extract shows the spirit in which this captivating volume was de- igned. and its pretensions to utility. The in formation imbodied in its pages is curinus and extensive, and not the least attractive portion is the account of the amusements, &e. peculiar to different lections of tli United States, added bv Mr. Won,] worth. HISTORY OF THE BI BLE. By the Rev. G. R. GLEIG. In 2 vols. 18mo. With a Map of Palestine. These volumes do not, as from the title one might Irctagine, contain mertlj an account of the origin and contents of the Sacred Volume ; the object of the writer has extended far be yond this. He has produced, perhaps, the most elaborate and able examination of the va rious objections urged against the Scripture* that has ever been written; and, at the same time, one of the clearest and most satisfactory expositions of the whole Bible, not only as the foundation of our faith, but also as a hist-ry. In the performance of his task, Mr Gleig has exhibited equal piety and learning, and his worfc is calculated to facilitate to a remarkable dcsroa both the comprehension and enjoyment of the inspired writings. HISTORICAL AND DE SCRIPTIVE ACCOUNT OF BRITISH INDIA ; from the most Remote Period to the Present Time. Including a Narrative of the early Portu guese and English Voyages, the Revolutions in the Mogul Em pire, and the Origin, Progress, and Establishment of the Brit ish Power ; with Illustrations of the Zoology, Botany, Cli mate, Geology, and Mineral ogy. By HUGH MURRAY, Esq., JAMES WILSON, Esq., R. K. GREVILLK, LL.D., WHITELAW AINSLIE, M.D., WM. RH.ND, Esq., Prof. JAMESON, Prof. WAL LACE, and Captain CLARENCE DALRYMPLE. In 3 vols. ISmo With a Map and Engravings. A history of India in a convenient form, and in an easy and familiar s yle, has long been con sidercd a desideratum. This work commences with the early annals of the Hindoos, traces the progress and decline of the Mohammedan power, and brinjrs the history of the flritith do minion in India down tu the time of the perma nent establishment of the India Company and the foundation of that stupendous empire. It is divided imo departments comprising the his tory, literature, arts, and manners of the Hin doos, and a description of the counrrv, its cli mate, soil, diseases, production*, ami natural features; these departments have been com mitted to distinct writers of eminence, and fufiy qualified to treat of them with distinguished ability, and the result has been \te production, of a body of accurate and complete information such an is not to be found collected in any othr " ark in the English lawguags. Works Published by Harper cf- Brothers. SACRED HISTORY OF THE WORLD, as displayed in the Creation arid subsequent Events to the Deluge. At tempted to be philosophically considered, in a Series of Let ters to a Son. By SHARON TURNER, F.S.A. 18mo. To exhibit the Divine Mind in connexion with the production and preservation, and with the laws and agencies of visible nature, and to lead the inquirer to perceive the clear and uni versal distinction which prevails between the material and immaterial substances in our world, both in their phenomena and their prin ciples, is the main object of this admirable vol ume. In it religious and scientific instruction are skilfully and strikingly blended, and facts and principles are so made to illustrate each other that the mind and heart are equally im proved by its perusal, and the cause of science is, as it were, identified with that of religion. The information contained in it chiefly relates to Natural History, and it is extremely copious, accurate, and interesting, while the reflections are eminent for their depth, wi*iom, and piety. HISTORY OF IRELAND. From the Anglo-Norman Inva sion till the Union of the Coun try with Great Britain. By W. C. TAYLOR, Esq. With Ad ditions. By WiiLUAM SAMP SON, Esq. In 2 vols. 18mo. With Engravings. Before its repuhlication, this work was sub mitted for examination to several gentlemen resident in New -York, natives, or the descend ants of natives, of the country whose history it contains, and distinguished fur their attachment to tl.e unhappy land to which they trace their origin, and lor their talents and acquirement*. Their opinion was unanimous, and highly favourable, and each of them expressed in strong terms the pleasure it would .iftord him to te republisheu in the United Stales a work w> fair, so copious, and so accurate. The public at large lias confirmed their sentence, and stamped this history with the seal of approbation. The value of the history as origin.illy published has been greatly enhanced by the additions of Wil liam Sampson, Ksq., whose reputation is too well known in the country of his adoption to require eulogy. HISTORICAL VIEW OF THE PROGRESS OF DIS COVERY ON THE MORE NORTHERN COASTS OF NORTH AMERICA. From the Earliest Period to tho Prr?- ent Time. By p p. Tvi Esq. With Descriptive Sketch- es of the Natural History of the North American Regions. By Professor WILSON. 18mo. With a Map and Engravings. Among the most remarkable occurrences of the nineteenth century are the various expedi tions of discovery to the northern coasts of the western continent, so important, although not perfectly satisfactory in their results. In nc other portion of the earth s surface has the navi gator to contend with such formidable difficul ties, anl in none docs he behold so peculiar an aspect of nature, it follows, therefore, of course, that expeditions to no other part of the world furnish to the historian such ample and interesting materials. The present volume ex hibits a full and accurate* view of all that is im portant in modern knowledge of the most re mote territories of North America, and may be considered as forming a sequel to the " Polar Seas and Regions," and as furnishin? all that was wanting to a complete account of the whole series of northern discoveries by land and water. HISTORY OF CHARLE MAGNE. To which is pre fixed an Introduction, compris ing the History of France from the Earliest Period to the Birth of Charlemagne. By G. P. R. JAMES, Esq. 18ino. With a Portrait. The age of Charlemagne may be considered as the period to which the origin of most of the lations of Europe, as they at present exist, can ilone he traced with sufficient certainty, be- ,-or.d this eprKh, the researches of the historian ire often fated to end in disappointment and obscurity. In tracing the fortunes of the seve- ral powers into which that continent is divided, Tom the earliest attainable facts to the present time, it is indispensable that the inquirer should >ossess a clear and accurate understanding of he actual stale as well of France as of the sur rounding countries, at the peri-xl when, by the uccesses and achievements of that rennrkaMe nonarch, his kingdom became the dominant ?ower of the Kuropean continent. Until the appearance of Mr. James s History, this cicnj and acc-jrate understanding was of exceedingly difficult attainment, the materials from which if was to be drawn were scattered through va rious historical works, and all the l.ihour of arrangement, condensation, and comparison was to be performed by the s uden! himself. Such is no longer the cass, light has been shed upon >he darkness of that remote age, and the world of Science is indebted to Mr. James for the means of readily acquiring a complete nd sa^- Wkctory knowledgs in all its details, of the first great epoch in European history. In the nu- ., mentations of this work that have appeared in the Reviews and periodicals both of Ensriand and the United States, the highest terms of eulogy have been employed, and all have noticed with strong expressions of praise, Hie singular perspicuity of he style, and the r-.;. ..>.-k:ible a ^-cce of prolixity and confuiion I greasoi (hs narrative. 14 DAY USE _^ TO DESK PROM WHICH BORROWED LOAN DIPT Renewedbooks are subject to immediate -, 7Dec 60LF or BjJ_B61 Due 10_J\UG-^a^ LD 21A-50m-4, 60 (A9562slO)476B General Ubrary ityofCa Berkeley m M511027