stack 
 
 Annex 
 
 F 
 
 122.1 
 
 I72h 
 
 1391 
 
 B 
 
 
 
 Oi 
 
 oi 
 
 Oi 
 61 
 
 of 
 
 71 
 81
 
 Ex Libris 
 C. K. OGDEN
 
 KlSriCKERBOCKEE^S 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK.
 
 In WfiEKLY Volumes, /r/V(? 3d. ; or in Cloth, Cd. 
 A SELECTION OF THE MOST POPULAR VOLUMES 
 
 IN 
 
 Cassell's National Library. 
 
 Edited by HENRY MORLEY, LL.D. 
 ALREADY PUBLISHED. 
 
 Tlie Haunted, Man Dickens. 
 
 "Utopia Sir THOMAS MORF. 
 
 Lays of Ancient Rome .. .. Macaula\. 
 
 Essays on Burns and Scott Carlyle. 
 
 Waiideringrs m Sontti Amex-iea Wathrton. 
 
 Heroes and Hero-Worship Carlyle. 
 
 Voyages and Travels MARCO POLO. 
 
 Hamlet Shakkspeakh. 
 
 The Complete Angrier Isaac Walton. 
 
 Essays Civil and Moral Bacon. 
 
 Tlie Jjady of tlie J.aKe Sco ir 
 
 Eriends in Council Sir A. Helps. 
 
 Tlie Autobiography of BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. 
 
 Grace Abounding John Bunvan. 
 
 The Kivals.and The School for Scaudai .. Sheridan. 
 
 Wurreu Hastings Macaulav. 
 
 Areopagitiea, &e John Milton. 
 
 The Aimei m Mie House Coventry Patmore. 
 
 The Life of Nelson Southey. 
 
 The Battle cr tlie Books, SzQ Jonathan Swift. 
 
 Tiie Merchant of Venice Shakespeare. 
 
 Essay on the Sublime and Beautiful .. .. Burke. 
 
 Sir Koger ae Coverioy STEELE and ADDISON. 
 
 Macbeth Shakespharh. 
 
 A Defence of Poesie Philip Sidney. 
 
 Paradise ilegained John Milion. 
 
 A uiirisiinas ca-oi, and Tlie Chimes .. .. Dickens. 
 
 Antony and Cleopatra Shakespeare. 
 
 Cliilde Hiuolu BVRON. 
 
 Murad the Unlucky Hdgeworth. 
 
 Measure for Measure SHAKESPEARE. 
 
 Lives ol the Poeih (Waller. Milton, &c.) .. .. Johnson 
 
 Mv Ten Years' Iniprisonuieut Silvio Peli.ico. 
 
 Much Ado about IS otiiing Shakesp are. 
 
 pjays Goldsmith. 
 
 Tales from the Decameron Boccaccio. 
 
 Julius La3Bar Shakespeare. 
 
 Visions of England Palc.rave. 
 
 Hasselas Johnson. 
 
 Muisummer Night's Dream Shakespeare. 
 
 Paradise Lost. (Vol. 1.) Milton. 
 
 Paradise Lost. (Vol. H.) Milton. 
 
 All's Well that Ends Well Shaki-speap-e. 
 
 KnickerbocK.er'a Histoi-y of New York (.\ol. I.) WAsaiNino.>i Irving. 
 
 The next P'olitiite will be 
 
 Knickerbocker's History of New York.— Vol. H. 
 
 By Washington Ikying. 
 
 *»* All the Volumes published in the fust issue 0/ the National 
 LiDRARY can still be had by order through any BookselKf or Newsagent.
 
 CASSELL'S NATIONAL LIBRARY. 
 
 knickerbocker's 
 History of New York. 
 
 BY 
 
 WASHINGTON IRVING. 
 
 Vol. I. 
 
 CASSELL & COMPANY, Limited 
 
 LONDON, PARIS db MELBOURNE. 
 
 1S9L
 
 Annex 
 
 INTEODUCTIOK 
 
 Knickerbocker's History of New York is the 
 book, published in December, 1809, with which 
 Washington Irving, at the age of twenty-six, first won 
 Avide credit and influence. Walter Scott wrote to an 
 American friend, who sent him the second edition — 
 
 * ' I beg you to accept my best thanks for the uncommon 
 degree of entertainment which I have received from the most 
 excellently jocose History of New York. I am sensible tliat, 
 as a stranger to American parties and politics, I must lose 
 much of the concealed satire of the piece, but I must own that, 
 looking at the simple and obvious meaning only, I have never 
 read anything so closely resembling the style of Dean Swift as 
 the annals of Diedrich Knickerbocker. I have been employed 
 these few evenings in reading them aloud to Mrs. S. and two 
 ladies who are our guests, and our sides have been absolutely 
 sore with laughing. I think, too, there are passages which 
 indicate that the author possesses jjowers of a different kind, 
 and has some touches which remind me much of Sterne." 
 
 Washington Irving was the son of William Irving, 
 a sturdy native of the Orkneys, allied to the Irvines of 
 Drum, among whose kindred was an old historiographer 
 who said of them, " Some of the foolish write them- 
 selves Irving." William Irving of Shapiusha, in the 
 Orkney Islands, was a petty officer on board an armed 
 packet ship in His Majesty's service, when he met 
 with his fate at Falmoutli in Sarah Sanders, whom he 
 married at Falmouth in Mav, 1761. Their first child
 
 6 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 was buried in England before July, 1763, when peace 
 had been concluded, and William Irving emigrated to 
 New York with his wife, soon to be joined by his 
 wife's parents. 
 
 At New York "William Irving entered into trade, 
 and prospered fairly until the outbreak of iho American 
 Revolution. His sympathy, and that of his wife, went 
 with the colonists. On the 19th of October, 1781, 
 Lord Cornwallis, with a force of seven thousand men, 
 surrendered at Yorktown. In October, 1782, Holland 
 acknowledged the independence of the United States 
 in a treaty concluded at the Hague. In January, 1783, 
 an armistice was concluded with Great Britain. In 
 February, 1783, the independence of the States was 
 acknowledged by Sweden and by Denmark, and in 
 March by Spain. On the 3rd of April in that year an 
 eleventh child w^as born to William and Sarah Irving, 
 who was named Washington, after the hero under wdiom 
 the war had been brought to an end. In 1783 the 
 peace was signed. New York was evacuated, and the 
 independence of the United States acknowledged by 
 England. 
 
 Of the eleven children eight survived. William 
 Irving, the father, was rigidly pious, a just and ho- 
 nourable man, who made religion burdensome to his 
 children by associating it too much with restrictions 
 and denials. One of their two weekly half-holidays 
 was devoted to the Catechism. The mother's gentler 
 sensibility and womanly impulses gave her the greater 
 influence ; but she reverenced and loved her good 
 husband, and when her youngest puzzled her with his 
 pranks, slie would say, " Ah, Washington, if you were 
 only good ! "
 
 INTRODUCTION. 7 
 
 For his lively spirits and quick fancy could not 
 easily be subdued. He would get out of liis bed- 
 room window at niglit, walk along a coping, and climb 
 over tlie roof to the top of the next house, only for the 
 higli purpose of astonishing a neighbour by dropping 
 a stone down his chimney. As a young schoolboy 
 he came upon Hoole's translation of Ariosto, and 
 achieved in his father's back yard knightly adventures. 
 "Robinson Crusoe" and " Sindbad the Sailor" made 
 him yearn to go to sea. But this was impossible 
 unless he could learn to lie hard and eat salt pork, 
 which he detested. He would get out of bed at night 
 and lie on the floor for an hour or two by way of 
 practice. He also took every opx^ortunity that came 
 in his way of eating the detested food. But the more 
 he tried to like it the nastier it grew, and he gave up 
 as impracticable his hope of going to sea. He fastened 
 upon adventures of real travellers ; he yearned for 
 travel, and was entranced in his youtli by first sight of 
 the beauties of the Hudson River. He scribbled jests 
 for his school friends, and, of course, he wrote a school- 
 boy play. At sixteen his schooling was at an end, and 
 he was placed in a lawyer's office, from which he was 
 transferred to another, and then, in January, 1802, to 
 another, where he continued his clerkship with a Mr, 
 Hoffman, who had a young wife, and two young 
 daughters by a former marriage. With this family 
 Washington Irving, a careless student, lively, clever, 
 kind, established the happiest relations, of which after- 
 wards there came the deep grief of his life and a 
 sacred memory. 
 
 Washington Irving's eldest brothers were beginning 
 to thrive in business. A brother Peter shared his
 
 8 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 frolics with tlie pen. His artist pleasure in tlie theatre 
 was indulged without his father's knowledge. He 
 would go to the play, come home for nine o'clock 
 prayers, go up to bed, and climb out of his bedroom 
 window, and run back and see tlie after-piece. So come 
 evasions of undue restraint. 
 
 But with all this impulsive liveliness, young Wash- 
 ington Irving's life apj)eared, as he grew up, to be in 
 grave danger. When he was nineteen, and taken by a 
 brother-in-law to Ballston springs, it was determined 
 by those who heard his incessant night cough that he 
 was " not long for this world." When he had come 
 of age, in April, 1804, his brothers, chiefly his eldest 
 brother, who was prospering, provided money to send 
 him to Europe that he might recover health by restful 
 travel in France, Italy, and England. When he was 
 helped up the side of the vessel that was to take him 
 from New York to Bordeaux, the captain looked at 
 him with pity and said, " There's a chap who will go 
 overboard before we get across." But Washington 
 Irving returned to New York at the beginning of the 
 year 1806 with health restored. 
 
 What followed will be told in the Introduction to 
 the other volume of this History of New York, by 
 Diedrich Knickerbocker. 
 
 H. M.
 
 THE AUTHOR^S APOLOGY. 
 
 The following work, in which, at the outset, nothing 
 more was contemplated than a temporary jni-d'esj)rit, 
 was commenced in company with my brother, the late 
 Peter Irving, Esq. Our idea was to parody a small 
 hand-book which had recently appeared, entitled, " A 
 Picture of Xew York.*' Like that, our work was to 
 begin with an historical sketch ; to be followed by 
 notices of the customs, manners, and institutions of the 
 city ; written in a serio-comic vein, and treating local 
 errors, follies, and abuses with good-humoured satire. 
 
 To burlesque the pedantic lore displayed in certain 
 American works, our historical sketch was to commence 
 with the creation of the world ; and we laid all kinds of 
 works under contribution for trite citations, relevant or 
 irrelevant, to give it the proper air of learned research. 
 Before this crude mass of mock erudition could be 
 digested into form, my brother departed for Europe, and 
 I was left to prosecute the enterprise alone. 
 
 I now altered the plan of the work. Discarding all 
 idea of a parody on the " Picture of New York," I deter- 
 mined that what had been originally intended as an 
 introductory sketch should comprise the whole work, and 
 form a comic history of the city, I accordingly moulded 
 the mass of citations and disquisitions into introductory 
 chapters, forming the first book ; but it soon became 
 evident to me that, like Robinson Crusoe with his boat, I 
 had begun on too large a scale, and that, to launch my 
 history successfully, I must reduce its proportions. I 
 accordingly resolved to confine it to the period of the
 
 10 THE author's apology. 
 
 Dutch domination, which, in its rise, progress, and 
 decline, presented that unity of subject required by 
 classic rule. It was a period, also, at that time almost a 
 terra incognita in history. In fact, I was surprised to 
 find how few of my fellow-citizens Avere aware that New 
 York had ever been called New Amsterdam, or had heard 
 of the names of its early Dutch governors, or cared a 
 straw about their ancient Dutch progenitors. 
 
 This, then, broke upon me as the poetic age of our 
 city ; poetic from its very obscurity ; and open, like the 
 early and obscure days of ancient Rome, to all the embel- 
 lishments of heroic fiction. I hailed my native city as 
 fortunate above all other American cities in having an 
 antiquity thus extending back into the regions of doubt 
 and fable ; neither did I conceive I was committing any 
 grievous historical sin in helping out the few facts I 
 could collect in this remote and forgotten region with 
 figments of my own brain, or in giving characteristic 
 attributes to the few names connected with it which I 
 might dig up from oblivion. 
 
 In this, doubtless, I reasoned like a young and inex- 
 perienced writer, besotted with his own fancies ; and my 
 presumptuous trespasses into this sacred, though neg- 
 lected, region of history have met with deserved rebuke 
 from men of soberer minds. It is too late, however, to 
 recall the shaft thus rashly launched. To any one 
 whose sense of fitness it may wound, I can only say with 
 Hamlet — 
 
 " Let my disckiiiuing from a purposed evil 
 Free me so far in your most generous thoughts, 
 That I have shot my arrow o'er the house, 
 And hurt my brother." 
 
 I will say this in further apology for my work : that 
 if it has taken an unwarrantable liberty with our early 
 provincial history, it has at least turned attention to that 
 history, and provoked research. It is only since this
 
 THE author's apology. 11 
 
 work appeared tliat the forgotten arcliives of tlie pro- 
 vince have been rummaged, and the facts and personages 
 of the olden time rescued from the dust of oblivion, and 
 elevated into whatever importance they may actually 
 possess. 
 
 The main object of my work, in fact, had a bearing 
 wide from the sober aim of history, but one which, I 
 trust, will meet with some indulgence from poetic minds. 
 It was to embody the traditions of our city in an amusing 
 form ; to illustrate its local humours, customs, and 
 peculiarities ; to clothe home scenes and places and 
 familiar names with those imaginative and whimsical 
 associations so seldom met with in our new country, but 
 which live like charms and spells about the cities of the 
 old world, binding the heart of the native inhabitant 
 to his home. 
 
 ' In this I have reason to believe I have in some 
 measure succeeded. Before the appearance of my work 
 the popular traditions of our city were unrecorded ; the 
 peculiar and racy customs and usages derived from our 
 Dutch progenitors were unnoticed, or regarded with 
 indifference, or adverted to with a sneer. Xow they 
 form a convivial currency, and are brought forward on 
 all occasions ; they link our whole community together 
 in good-humour* and good-fellowship ; they are the 
 rallying points of home feeling ; the seasoning of our 
 civic festivities ; the staple of local tales and local 
 pleasantries ; and are so harped upon by our writers of 
 popular, fiction that I find myself almost crowded off the 
 legendary ground which I was the first to explore by the 
 host who have followed in my footsteps. 
 
 I dwell on this head because, at the first appearance 
 of my work, its aim and drift were misapprehended by 
 some of the descendants of the Dutch worthies, and 
 because I understand that now and then one may still be 
 found to regard it with a captious eye. The fair greater
 
 12 NOTICES. 
 
 part, however, I have reason to flatter myself, receive my 
 good-humoured picturings in the same temper with 
 which they were executed ; and when I find, after a 
 lapse of nearly forty years, this haphazard production of 
 my youth still cherished among them ; when I find its 
 very name become a " household word," and used to give 
 the home stamp to everything recommended for popular 
 acceptation, such as Knickerbocker societies, Knicker- 
 bocker insurance companies, Knickerbocker steamboats, 
 Knickerbocker omnibuses, Knickerbocker bread, and 
 Knickerbocker ice ; and when I find New Yorkers of 
 Dutch descent priding themselves upon being " genuine 
 Knickerbockers," I please myself with the persuasion 
 that I have struck the right chord ; that my dealings with 
 the good old Dutch times, and the customs and usages 
 derived from them, are in harmony with the feelings and 
 humours of my townsmen ; that I have opened a vein of 
 pleasant associations and quaint characteristics peculiar 
 to my native place, and which its inhabitants will not 
 willingly suffer to pass away ; and that, though other his- 
 tories of New York may appear of higher claims to learned 
 acceptation, and may take their dignified and appropriate 
 rank in the family library, Knickerbocker's history will 
 still be received with good-humoured indulgence, and 
 be thumbed and chuckled over by the family fireside. 
 
 W. I. ' 
 Sunnyside, ISIS. 
 
 Ilotias 
 
 WHICH APPEARED IN THE NEWSPAPERS PREVIOUS 
 TO THE PUBLICATION OF THIS WORK. 
 
 From ihc "Evening Post" ofOctohcr 20, 1809. 
 DISTRESSING. 
 Left his ludgings some time since, and has not since been 
 heard of, a small elilerly gentleman, dressed in an old black
 
 NOTICES. 13 
 
 coat and cocked hat, by the name of Knickerhocker. As there 
 are some reasons for believing he is not entirely in his 
 right mind, and as great anxiety is entertained about him, any 
 information concerning him, left either at the Columbian 
 Hotel, Mulberry Street, or at the office of this paper, will be 
 thankfully received. 
 
 P.S. — Printers of newspapers will be aiding the cause of 
 humanity in giving an insertion to the above. 
 
 From the same, Novemher G, 1S09. 
 
 To the Editor of the " Evening Post."' 
 
 Sir, — Having read, in your paper of the 2Gth October last, a 
 paragraph respecting an old gentleman by the name of Knicker- 
 hocker, who was missing from his lodgings ; if it would be any 
 relief to his friends, or furnish them with any clue to discover 
 where he is, you may inform them that a person answering 
 the description given was seen by the passengers of the 
 Albany stage, early in the morning, about four or five weeks 
 since, resting himself by the side of the road, a little above 
 King's Bridge. He had in his hand a small bundle tied in a 
 red bandana handkerchief : he appeared to be travelling 
 northward, and was very much fatigued and exhausted. 
 
 A Travellee. 
 
 From the same, Novemher 16, 1809. 
 To the Editor of the " Evening Post.'" 
 
 Sir, — You have been good enough to publish in your paper 
 a paragraph about Mr. Diedrich Knickerhocker, who was 
 missing so strangely some time since. Nothing satisfactory 
 has been heard of the old gentleman since ; but a very curious 
 kind of a written book has been found in his room, in his own 
 handwriting. Now, I wish you to notice him, if he is still 
 alive, that if he does not return and pay off his bill for
 
 14 NOTICES. 
 
 boarding "and lodging, I shall have to dispose of his book to 
 satisfy me for the same. 
 
 I am, Sir, yom- humble servant, 
 
 Seth Handaside, 
 Landlord of the Independent Columbian Hotel, 
 Mulberry Street. 
 
 From the same, November 28, 1809. 
 LITERARY NOTICE. 
 
 Inskeep and Bradford have in the press, and will shortly 
 publish, 
 
 A History of New York, 
 
 In two volumes, duodecimo. Price three dollars. 
 
 Containing an account of its discovery and settlement, with 
 its internal policies, manners, customs, wars, &c. &c., under 
 the Dutch government, furnishing many curious and interesting 
 particulars never before published, and which are gathered 
 from various manuscript and other authenticated sources, the 
 whole being interspersed with philosophical speculations and 
 moral precepts. 
 
 This work was found in the chamber of Mr. Diedrich 
 Knickerbocker, the old gentleman whose sudden and mysteri- 
 ous disappearance has been noticed. It is published in order 
 to discharge certain debts he has left behind. 
 
 From the " American Citizen,'' Dccevilcr 6, 1800, 
 
 Is this day published, 
 By Inskeep and Bradford, No. 128, Broadway, 
 
 A History of Now York, 
 
 &c. &c. 
 
 (Containing same as above.)
 
 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 It was some time, if I recollect right, in the early part of 
 the fall of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings 
 at the Independent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry 
 Street, of which I am landlord. He was a small, brisk- 
 looking old gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a 
 pair of olive velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. 
 He had a few grey hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and 
 his beard seemed to be of some eight-and-forty hours' 
 growth. The only piece of finery which he bore about 
 him was a bright pair of square silver shoebuckles : 
 and all his baggage was contained in a pair of saddle- 
 bags, which he carried under his arm. His whole 
 appearance was something out of the common run ; and 
 my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once set him 
 down for some eminent country schoolmaster. 
 
 As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very 
 small house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put 
 him ; but my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, 
 would needs put him in her best chamber, which is 
 genteelly set off with the profiles of the whole family, 
 done in black, by those two great painters, Jarvis and 
 Wood ; and commands a very pleasant view of the new 
 grounds on the Collect, together with the rear of the 
 Poor House and Bridewell, and the full front of the 
 Hospital ; so that it is the cheer fullest room in the whole 
 house. 
 
 During the whole time that he stayed with us, we 
 found him a very worthy, good sort of an old gentleman, 
 though a little queer in his ways. He would keep in his
 
 16 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOPw 
 
 room for days together, and if any of the children cried, 
 or made a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a 
 great passion, with his hands full of papers, and say 
 something about " deranging his ideas ;" which made my 
 wife believe sometimes that he was not altogether comjfos. 
 Indeed, there was more than one reason to make her 
 think so, for his room was always covered with scraps of 
 paper and old mouldy books, lying about at sixes and 
 sevens, which he would never let anybody touch ; for he 
 said he had laid them all away in their proper places, so 
 that he might know where to find them ; though, for 
 that matter, he was half his time worrying about the 
 house in search of some book or writing which he had 
 carefully put out of the way. I shall never forget what 
 a pother he once made, because my wife cleaned out his 
 room when his back was turned, and put everything to 
 rights ; for he swore he would never be able to get his 
 papers in order again in a twelvemonth. Upon this my 
 wife ventured to ask him, what he did with so many 
 books and papers ? and he told her, that he was " seeking 
 for immortality ; " which made her think, more than ever, 
 that the poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked. 
 
 He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his 
 room was continually poking about town, hearing all the 
 news, and prying into everything that was going on : 
 this was particularly the case about election time, when 
 he did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, 
 attending all ward meetings and committee-rooms ; 
 though I could never find that he took part with either 
 side of the question. On the contrary, he would come 
 home and rail at both parties with great wrath — and 
 plainly proved one day to the satisfaction of my wife, and 
 three old ladies Avho were drinking tea with her, that the 
 two parties were like two rogues, each tugging at the 
 skirt of the nation ; and that in the end they would tear 
 the very coat off its back, and expose its nakcdnesgi.
 
 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOK. 17 
 
 Indeed, he was an oracle among the neighbours, who 
 would collect around him to hear him talk of an after- 
 noon, as he smoked his pipe on the bench before the 
 door ; and I really believe he would have brought over 
 the whole neighbourhood to his own side of the question, 
 if they could ever have found out what it was. 
 
 He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it, 
 philosophise, about the most trifling matter, and to do 
 him justice, I never knew anybody that was a match for 
 him, except it was a grave-looking old gentleman who 
 called now and then to see him, and often posed him in 
 an argument. But this is nothing surprising, as I have 
 since found out this stranger is the city librarian ; and, 
 of course, must be a man of great learning ; and I have 
 my doubts if he had not some hand in the following 
 history. 
 
 As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we 
 had never received any pay, my wife began to be some- 
 what uneasy, and curious to find out who and what he 
 was. She accordingly made bold to put the question to 
 his friend the librarian, who replied, in his dry way, that 
 he was one of the Literati ; which she supposed to mean 
 some new party in politics, I scorn to push a lodger for 
 his pay, so I let day after day pass on without dunning 
 the old gentleman for a farthing ; but my wife, who 
 always takes these matters on herself, and is, as I said, 
 a shrewd kind of a woman, at last got out of patience, 
 and hinted, that she thought it high time '• some people 
 should have a sight of some people's money," To which 
 the old gentleman replied in a mighty touchy manner, 
 that she need not make herself uneasy, for that he 
 had a treasure there (pointing to his saddle-bags) worth 
 her whole house put together. This was the onl}' answer 
 we could ever get from him ; and as my wife, by some of 
 those odd ways in which women find out everj'thing, 
 learnt that he was of very great connections, being
 
 18 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 related to the Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and coiisin- 
 german to the Congress-man of that name, she did not like 
 to treat him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, 
 merely by way of making things easy, to let him live scot- 
 free, if he would teach the children their letters ; and to try 
 her best and get her neighbours to send their children also ; 
 but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and 
 seemed so affronted at being taken for a schoolmaster, 
 that she never dared to speak on the subject again. 
 
 About two months ago, he went out of a morning, with 
 a bundle in his hand — and has never been heard of since. 
 All kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. 
 I wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for 
 answer, that he had not been there since the year before 
 last, when he had a great dispute with the Congress-man 
 about politics, and left the place in a huff, and they had 
 neither heard nor seen anything of him from that time to 
 this. I must own I felt very much worried about the 
 poor old gentleman ; for I thought something bad must 
 have happened to him, that he should be missing so long, 
 and never return to pay his bill. I therefore advertised 
 him in the newspapers, and though my melancholy 
 advertisement was published by several humane printers, 
 yet I have never been able to learn anything satisfactory 
 about him. 
 
 My wife now said it was high time to take care of our- 
 selves, and see if he had left anything behind in his room, 
 that would pay us for his board and lodging. We found 
 nothing, however, but some old books, and musty writings, 
 and his pair of saddle-bags ; which, being opened in 
 the presence of the librarian, contained only a few 
 articles of worn-out clothes, and a large bundle of 
 blotted paper. On looking over this, the librarian told 
 us, he had no doubt it was the treasure which the old 
 gentleman had spoke about ; as it proved to be a most 
 excellent and faithful IIistoky of New Yohk, which he
 
 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 10 
 
 advised us by all means to publish : assuring us that it 
 would be so eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that 
 he had no doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears 
 ten times over. Upon this we got a very learned school- 
 master, who teaches our children, to prepare it for the 
 press, which he accordingly has done ; and has, moreover, 
 added to it a number of notes of his own ; and an en- 
 graving of the city, as it was at the time Mr. Knicker- 
 bocker writes about. 
 
 I This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for 
 having this work printed, without waiting for the 
 consent of the author ; and I here declare, that if he 
 ever returns (though I much fear some unhappy 
 accident has befallen him), I stand ready to account with 
 him like a true and honest man. Which is all at present — 
 From the public's humble servant, 
 
 Seth Haxdaside. 
 Independent Columbian Hotel, Xew York. 
 
 The foregoing account of the author was prefixed to 
 the first edition of this work. Shortly after its publica- 
 tion, a letter was received from him, by Mr. Handaside, 
 dated at a small Dutch village on the banks of the Hudson, 
 whither he had travelled for the purpose of inspecting 
 certain ancient records. As this was one of those few 
 and happy villages, into v/hich newspapers never find 
 their way, it is not a matter of surprise, that Mr. Knicker- 
 bocker should never have seen the numerous advertise- 
 ments that were made concerning him ; and that he should 
 learn of the publication of his history by mere accident. 
 
 He expressed much concern at its premature appearance, 
 as thereby he was prevented from making several im- 
 portant corrections and alterations : as well as from pro- 
 fiting by many curious hints which he had collected 
 during his travels along the shores of the Tappan Sea, 
 and his sojourn at Haverstraw and Esopus.
 
 20 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 Finding' tliat there was no longer any immediate 
 necessity for his return to New York, he extended his 
 journey up to the residence of his relations at Scaghtikoke. 
 On his way thither he stopped for some days at Albany, 
 for which city he is known to have entertained a great 
 partiality. He found it, however, considerably altered, 
 and was much concerned at the inroads and improvements 
 which the Yankees were making, and the consequent de- 
 cline of the good old Dutch manners. Indeed, he was in- 
 formed that these intruders were making sad innovations 
 in all parts of the State ; where they had given great 
 trouble and vexation to the regular Dutch settlers, by the 
 introduction of turnpike - gates and country school- 
 houses. It is said, also, that Mr. Knickerbocker shook 
 his head sorrowfully at noticing the gradual decay of the 
 great Vander Ileyden palace ; but was highly indignant 
 at finding that the ancient Dutch church, which stood 
 in the middle of the street, had been pulled down since 
 his last visit. 
 
 The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's History having 
 reached even to Albany, he received much flattering 
 attention from its worthy burghers ; some of whom, how- 
 ever, pointed out two or three very great errors he had 
 fallen into, particularly that of suspending a lump of 
 sugar over the Albany tea-tables, which they assured 
 him had been discontinued for some years past. Several 
 families, moreover, were somewhat piqued that their 
 ancestors had not been mentioned in his work, and showed 
 great jealousy of their neighbours who had thus been 
 distinguished ; while the latter, it must be confessed, 
 l)lumed themselves vastly thereupon ; considering these 
 recordings in the light of letters patent of nobility, es- 
 tablishing their claims to ancestry, which, in this re- 
 publican country, is a matter of no little solicitude and 
 vain-glory. 
 
 It is also said, that ho enjoyed high favour and counte-
 
 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR: 21 
 
 nance from the <iOvernor, who once asked him to dinner, 
 and was seen two or three times to shake hands with him 
 when they met in the street ; which certainly was going 
 great lengths, considering that they differed in politics. 
 Indeed, certain of the governor's confidential friends, to 
 whom he could venture to speak his mind freely on such 
 matters, have assured us that he privately entertained a 
 considerable good-will for our author — nay, he even once 
 went so far as to declare, and that openly too, and at his 
 own table, just after dinner, that " Knickerbocker was a 
 very well-meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no fool." 
 From all which many have been led to suppose, that, had 
 our author been of different politics, and written for the 
 newspapers instead of wasting his talents on histories, he 
 might have risen to some post of honour and profit : per- 
 ad venture to be a notary public, or even a justice in the 
 ten-pound court. 
 
 Besides the honours and civilities already mentioned, 
 he was much caressed by the literati of Albany ; parti- 
 cularly by Mr. John Cook, who entertained him very 
 hospitably at his circulating library and reading-room, 
 where they used to drink Spa water, and talk about the 
 ancients. He found Mr, Cook a man after his own heart 
 — of great literary research, and a curious collector of 
 books. At parting, the latter, in testimony of friendship, 
 made him a present of the two oldest works in his 
 collection ; which were, the earliest edition of the Heidel- 
 berg Catechism, and Adrian Vander Donck's famous 
 account of the Xew Xetherlands ; hy the last of which 
 Mr. Knickerbocker profited greatly in this his second 
 edition. 
 
 Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, 
 our author proceeded to Scaghtikoke ; where, it is but 
 justice to say, he was received with open arms, and treated 
 with wonderful loving-kindness. He was much looked 
 up to by the family, being the first historian of the name ;
 
 21 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 and was considered almost as great a man as his cousin 
 tlie Congress-man — with whom, by-the-by, he became 
 perfectly reconciled, and contracted a strong friendship. 
 
 In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations, and 
 their great attention to his comforts, the old gentleman 
 soon became restless and discontented. His history being 
 piiblished, he had no longer any business to occupy his 
 thoughts, or any scheme to excite his hopes and anticipa- 
 tions. This, to a busy mind like his, was a truly de- 
 plorable situation ; and had he not been a man of in- 
 flexible morals and regular habits, there would have been 
 great danger of his taking to politics or drinking— both 
 which pernicious vices we daily see men driven to by 
 mere spleen and idleness. 
 
 It is true he sometimes employed himself in preparing 
 a second edition of his history, wherein he endeavoured to 
 correct and improve many passages with which he was 
 dissatisfied, and to rectify some mistakes that had crept 
 into it ; for he was particularly anxious that his work 
 should be noted for its authenticity ; which, indeed, is the 
 very life and soul of history. But the glow of composi- 
 tion had departed — he had to leave many places untouched 
 which he would fain have altered ; and even where he 
 did make alterations, he seemed always in doubt whether 
 they were for the better or the worse. 
 
 After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke, he began, 
 to feel a strong desire to return to New York, which he 
 ever regarded with the warmest affection ; not merely 
 ])ecausc it was his native city, but because he really con- 
 sidered it the very best city in the whole world. On his re- 
 turn he entered into the full enjoyment of the advantages 
 of a literary reputation. He was continually importuned 
 to write advertisements, petitions, handbills, and produc- 
 tions of similar import ; and, although he never meddled 
 with the public papers, yet had he the credit of writing 
 innumerable essays, and smart things, that appeared on
 
 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 23 
 
 all subjects, and all sides of tlie question, in all which, ho 
 was clearly detected '' by his style." 
 
 He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt at the 
 post-office, in consequence of the numerous letters he 
 received from authors and printers soliciting his subscrip- 
 tion — and he was applied to by every charitable society 
 for yearly donations, which he gave very cheerfully, 
 considering these applications as so many compliments. 
 He was once invited to a great corporation dinner ; and 
 was even twice summoned to attend as a juryman at the 
 court of quarter sessions. Indeed, so renowned did he 
 become, that he could no longer pry about, as formerly, in 
 all holes and corners of the city, according to the bent of 
 his humour, unnoticed and uninterrupted ; but several 
 times when he has been sauntering the streets, on his 
 usual rambles of observation, equipped with his cane and 
 cocked hat, the little boys at play have been known to 
 cry, " There goes Diedrich ! " at which the old gentleman 
 seemed not a little pleased, looking upon these salutations 
 in the light of the praise of posterity. 
 
 In a word, if we take into consideration all these 
 various honours and distinctions, together with an ex- 
 uberant eulogium, passed on him in the Portfolio (with 
 which, we are told, the old gentleman was so much over- 
 powered, that he was sick for two or three days) it must 
 be confessed that few authors have ever lived to receive 
 such illustrious rewards, or have so completely enjoyed in 
 advance their own immortalit3^ 
 
 xifter his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker 
 took up his residence at a little rural retreat, which the 
 Stuyvesants had granted him on the family domain, in 
 gratitude for his honourable mention of their ancestor. 
 It was pleasantly situated on the borders of one of the 
 salt marshes beyond Corlear's Hook ; subject, indeed, to 
 be occasionally overflowed, and much infested, in the 
 summer-time, with musquitoes ; but otherwise verv
 
 24 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOK. 
 
 agreeable, producing abundant crops of salt grass and 
 bulrushes. 
 
 Here, ^ye are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell 
 dangerously ill of a fever, occasioned by the neighbouring 
 marshes. When he found his end approaching, he dis- 
 posed of his worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of his 
 fortune to the New York Historical Society ; his Heidel- 
 berg Catechism and Vander Donck's work to the City 
 Library ; and his saddle-bags to ]\Ir. Handaside. He for- 
 gave all his enemies — that is to say, all that bore any 
 enmity towards him ; for as to himself, he declared he 
 died in good-will to all the world. And, after dictating 
 several kind messages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, 
 as well as to certain of our most substantial Dutch 
 citizens, he expired in the arms of his friend the librarian. 
 
 His remains were interred, according to his own re- 
 s^uest, in St. Mark's Churchyard, close by the bones of his 
 favourite hero, Peter Stuyvesant ; and it is rumoured 
 that the Historical Society have it in mind to erect a 
 wooden monument to his memory in the Bowling Green.
 
 TO THE PUBLIC. 
 
 "To rescue from oblivion the memory of former in- 
 cidents, and to render a just tribute of renown to the 
 many great and wonderful transactions of our Dutch 
 progenitors, Diedrich Knickerbocker, native of the city of 
 New York, produces this historical essay." * Like the 
 great Father of History, whose words I have just quoted, 
 I treat of times long past, over which the twilight of un- 
 certainty had already thrown its shadows, and the night 
 of forgetfulness was about to descend for ever. With 
 great solicitude had I long beheld the early history of 
 this venerable and ancient city gradually slipping from 
 our grasp, trembling on the lips of narrative old age, and 
 day by day dropping piecemeal into the tomb. In a little 
 while, thought I, and those reverened Dutch burghers, 
 who serve as the tottering monuments of good old times, 
 will be gathered to their fathers ; their children, en- 
 grossed by the empty pleasures or insignificant trans- 
 actions of the present age, will neglect to treasure up 
 the recollections of the past, and posterity will search in 
 vain for memorials of the days of the Patriarchs. The 
 origin of our city will be buried in eternal oblivion, and 
 even the names and achievements of Wouter Van Twiller, 
 William Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant be enveloped in 
 doubt and fiction, like those of Romulus and Remus, of 
 Charlemagne, King Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of 
 Boulogne. 
 
 Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threatened 
 misfortune, I industriously set myself to work to gather 
 ♦Beloe's Herodotus. .' ■ --' ■
 
 26 TO THE PUBLIC. 
 
 together all the fragments of our ancient history which 
 still existed ; and, like my revered prototype, Herodotus, 
 where no w^ritten records could be found, I have 
 endeavoured to continue the chain of history by well- 
 authenticated traditions. 
 
 In this arduous undertaking, which has been the whole 
 business of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the 
 number of learned authors I have consulted, and all to 
 but little purpose.. Strange as it may seem, though such 
 multitudes of excellent works have been written about 
 this country, there are none extant which give any full 
 and satisfactory account of the early history of New 
 York, or of its three first Dutch Governors. I have, how- 
 ever, gained much valuable and curious matter from an 
 elaborate manuscript, written in exceeding pure and 
 classic low Dutch, excepting a few errors in orthography, 
 which was found in the archives of the Stuyvesant 
 family. Many legends, letters, and other documents have 
 I likewise gleaned in my researches among the family 
 chests and lumber garrets of our respectable Dutch citizens ; 
 and I have gathered a host of well-authenticated traditions 
 from divers excellent old ladies of my acquaintance, who 
 requested that their names might not be mentioned. Nor 
 must I neglect to acknowledge how greatly I have been 
 assisted by that admirable and praiseworthy institution, 
 the New York Historical Society, to which I here 
 publicly return my sincere acknowledgments. 
 
 In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted 
 no individual model, but, on the contrary, have simply 
 contented myself with combining and concentrating the 
 excellences of the most approved ancient historians. 
 Like Xenophon, I have maintained the utmost impar- 
 tiality, and the strictest adherence to truth throughout 
 my history. I have enriched it, after the manner of 
 Sallust, with various characters of ancient worthies, 
 drawn at full length and faithfully coloured. I have
 
 TO THE PUBLIC. 27 
 
 seasoned it with, profound political speculations like 
 Thucydides, sweetened it with the graces of sentiment 
 like Tacitus, and infused into the whole the dignity, the 
 grandeur and magnificence of Livy. 
 
 I am aware that I shall incur the censure of numerous 
 very learned and judicious critics for indulging too fre- 
 quently in the bold excursive manner of my favourite 
 Herodotus. And, to be candid, I have found it impossible 
 always to resist the allurements of those pleasing 
 episodes, which, like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, 
 beset the dusty road of the historian, and entice him to 
 turn aside, and refresh himself from his wayfaring. But 
 I trust it will be found that I have always resumed my 
 staff, and addressed myself to my weary journey wdth re- 
 novated spirits, so that both my readers and myself have 
 been benefited by the relaxation. 
 
 Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and 
 uniform endeavour to rival Polybius himself, in observing 
 the requisite unity of History, yet the loose and uncon- 
 nected manner in which many of the facts herein re- 
 corded have come to hand rendered such an attempt ex- 
 tremely diflicult. This difficulty was likewise increased 
 by one of the grand objects contemplated in my work, 
 which was to trace the rise of sundry customs and in- 
 stitutions in this best of cities, and to compare them, 
 when in the germ of infancy, with what they are in the 
 present old age of knowledge and improvement. 
 
 But the chief merit on which I value myself, and 
 found my hopes for future regard, is that faithful vera- 
 city with which I have compiled this invaluable little 
 work ; carefully winnowing away the chaff of hypothesis, 
 and discarding the tares of fable, which are too apt to 
 spring up and choke the seeds of truth and wholesome 
 knowledge. Had I been anxious to captivate the super- 
 ficial throng, who skim like swallows over the surface of 
 literature ; or had I been anxious to commend my
 
 28 TO THE PUBLIC. 
 
 writings to the pampered palates of literary epicures, I 
 might have availed mj'self of the obscurity that over- 
 shadows the infant years of our city, to introduce a thous- 
 and pleasing fictions. But I have scrupulously discarded 
 many a pithy tale and marvellous adventure, whereby the 
 drowsy ear of summer indolence might be enthralled ; 
 jealously maintaining that fidelity, gravity, and dignity 
 which should ever distinguish the historian. " For a 
 writer of this class," observes an elegant critic, " must 
 sustain the character of a wise man writing for the in- 
 struction of posterity ; one who has studied to inform 
 himself well, who has pondered his subject with care, 
 and addresses himself to our judgment rather than to 
 our imagination." 
 
 Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned city, in 
 having incidents worthy of swelling the theme of 
 history ; and doubly thrice happy is it in having such an 
 historian as myself to relate them. For, after all, gentle 
 reader, cities of thevuelves^ and, in fact, empires of them- 
 selves, are nothing without an historian. It is the 
 patient narrator who records their prosperity as they rise 
 —who blazons forth the splendour of their noontide 
 meridian — who props their feeble memorials as they 
 totter to decay— who gathers together their scattered 
 fragments as they rot— and who piously, at length, 
 collects their ashes into the mausoleum of his work, and 
 rears a triumphal monument to transmit their renown to 
 all succeeding ages. 
 
 What has been the fate of many fair cities of anti- 
 quity, whose nameless ruins encumber the plains of 
 Europe and Asia, and awaken the fruitless inquiry of the 
 traveller ? They have sunk into dust and silence — they 
 have perished from remembrance for want of an his- 
 torian ! The philanthropist may weep over their 
 desolation — the poet may wander among their mouldering 
 arches and broken columns, and indulge the visionary
 
 TO THE PUBLIC. 29 
 
 flights of his fancy — but alas ! alas ! the modern his- 
 torian, whose pen, like my own, is doomed to confine it- 
 self to dull matter of fact, seeks in vain among their 
 oblivious remains for some memorial that may tell the 
 instructive tale of their glory and their ruin. 
 
 " Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristotle, " de- 
 stroy nations, and with them all their monuments, their 
 discoveries, and their vanities. The torch of science has 
 more than once been extinguished and rekindled — a few 
 individuals, who have escaped by accident, reunite the 
 thread of generations." ^; 
 
 The same sad misfortune which has happened to so 
 many ancient cities will happen again, and from the 
 same sad cause, to nine-tenths of those which now 
 flourish on the face of the globe. With most of them the 
 time for recording their history is gone by ; their origin, 
 their, foundation, together with the early stages 
 of their settlement, are for ever buried in the rubbish 
 of years ; and the same would have been the case with 
 this fair portion of the earth if I had not snatched it 
 from obscurity in the very nick of time, at the moment 
 that those matters herein recorded were about entering 
 into the widespread insatiable maw of oblivion — if I had 
 not dragged them out, as it were, by the very locks, just 
 as the monster's adamantine fangs were closing upon 
 them for ever ! And here have I, as before observed, 
 carefully collected, collated, and arranged them, scrip 
 and scrap, " jJirnt en 2nint, gat en gat,'' and commenced in 
 this little work, a history to serve as a foundation on 
 which other historians may hereafter raise a noble super- 
 structure, swelling in process of time, until Kniclwr- 
 hocher's Xcic York may be equally voluminous with 
 Glhhon's Rome, or Hume and Smollett's England ! 
 
 And now indulge me for a moment : while I lay down 
 my pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of 
 two or three hundred years ahead ; and, casting back a
 
 30 TO THE PUBLIC. 
 
 bird's-eye glance over the waste of years that is to roll 
 between, discover myself — little I — at this moment the 
 progenitor, prototype, and precursor of them all, posted 
 at the head of this host of literary worthies, with my 
 book under my arm, and New York on my back, pressing 
 forward, like a gallant commander, to honour and im- 
 mortality. 
 
 Such are the vainglorious imaginings that will now 
 and then enter into the brain of the author — that irra- 
 diate, as with celestial light, his solitary chamber, 
 cheering his weary spirits, and animating him to per- 
 severe in his labours. And I have freely given utterance 
 to these rhapsodies whenever they have occurred ; not, I 
 trust, from an unusual spirit of egotism, but merely that 
 the reader may for once have an idea how an author 
 thinks and feels while he is writing — a kind of know- 
 ledge very rare and curious, and much to be desired.
 
 History of N^ew York. 
 
 CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILO- 
 SOPHIC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING THE CREATION 
 AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS CONNECTED 
 WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 According to tlie best authorities, tlie world in wliicli 
 we dwell is a tuge, opaque, reflecting, inanimate mass, 
 floating in the vast ethereal ocean of infinite space. It has 
 the form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously 
 flattened at opposite parts, for the insertion of two 
 imaginary poles, which are supposed to penetrate and 
 unite at the centre ; thus forming an axis on which the 
 mighty orange turns with a regular diurnal revolution. 
 
 The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed 
 the alternations of day and night, are produced by this 
 diurnal revolution successively presenting the different 
 parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The latter is, 
 according to the best, that is to say, the latest, accounts 
 a luminous or fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, 
 from which this world is driven by a centrifugal or 
 repelling power, and to which it is drawn by a centri- 
 petal or attractive force ; otherwise called the attraction 
 of gravitation ; the combination, or rather the counter- 
 action, of these two opposing impulses producing a cir- 
 cular and annual revolution. Hence result the different
 
 32 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 seasons of the year — viz., spring, summer, autumn, and 
 winter. 
 
 This I believe to be tlie most approved modern theory 
 on the subject ; though there be many philosophers who 
 have entertained very different opinions ; some, too, of 
 them entitled to much deference from their great antiquity 
 and illustrious characters. Thus it was advanced by 
 some of the ancient sages that the earth was an extended 
 plain, supported by vast pillars ; and by others that it 
 rested on the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tor- 
 toise ; but as they did not provide a resting place for 
 either the pillars or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to 
 the ground for want of proper foundation. 
 
 The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon the 
 earth, and the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in 
 the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding 
 along the edge of the horizon to their original stations 
 during night ; * while, according to the Pauranicas of 
 India, it is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of 
 milk, nectar, and other delicious liquids ; that it is 
 studded with seven mountains, and ornamented in the 
 centre by a mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and 
 that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, 
 which accounts for the phenomena of lunar eclipses.f 
 
 Beside these, and many other equally sage opinions, 
 we have the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-Aly, 
 son of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of 
 Abdallah, son of Masoud-cl-IIadheli, who is commonly 
 called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes 
 the humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the 
 companion of the ambassador of God. He has written a 
 universal history, entitled, " Mouroudgc-ed-dharab, or the 
 Golden Meadows, and the Mines of Precious Stones. ;{: In 
 
 • Faria y Souza; Mick. Lus. note b. 7 
 t Sir W. Jones, Diss. Anti(j. Tud. Zod. 
 X MSS. Bibliot. Rol. ¥r.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 33 
 
 this valuable work he has related the history of the 
 world, from the creation down to the moment of ^vriting ; 
 which was under the Khaliphat of Mothi Billah, in the 
 month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the BSGth year of the 
 Ilegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the 
 earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina constitute the 
 head, Persia and India the right wing, the land of G-og 
 the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us, more- 
 over, that an earth has existed before the present (which 
 he considers as a mere chicken of 7,000 years}, that it has 
 undergone divers deluges, and that, according to the 
 opinion of some well-informed Brahmins of his ac- 
 quaintance, it will be renovated every seventy thousandth 
 hazarouam ; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 years. 
 
 These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of 
 philosophers concerning the earth, and we find that the 
 learned have had equal perplexity as to the nature of the 
 sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have affirmed 
 that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire ; * others that it is 
 merely a mirror or sphere of transparent crystal ; j and a 
 third class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, main- 
 tained that it was nothing but a huge ignited mass of 
 iron or stone — indeed he declared the heavens to be 
 merelj' a vault of stone — and that the stars were stones 
 whirled upward from the earth, and set on fire by the 
 velocity of its revolutions. J But I give little attention 
 to the doctrines of this philosopher, the people of Athens 
 having fully refuted them by banishing him from their 
 city ; a concise mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, 
 much resorted to in former days. Another sect of philo- 
 sojihers do declare, that certain fiery particles exhale 
 
 * Plutarch de Plac. Philos. lib. ii. cap. 20. 
 
 t Achill. Tat. isag. cap. 19; Ap. Petav. t iii. p. SI ; i^toh. Eelos. 
 Phys. lib. i. p. oO ; Plut. de Plac. Philos. 
 
 I Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8 ; Plat. ApoL.t. i. p. 26 ; 
 Plut. de Plac. Philos. ; Xenoph. Mem. 1. iv. p 815. 
 
 B-77
 
 34 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 constantly from the earth, whicli, concentrating in a 
 single point of the firmament by day, constitute the sun, 
 but being scattered and rambling about in the dark at 
 night, collect in various points, and form stars. These 
 are regularly burnt out and extinguished, not unlike to 
 the lamps in our streets, and require a fresh supply of 
 exhalations for the next occasion.* 
 
 It is even recorded that at certain remote and obscure 
 periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the sun 
 has been completely burnt out, and sometimes not re- 
 kindled for a month at a time. A most melancholy 
 circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast concern 
 to Heraclitus, that worthy weeping philosopher of anti- 
 quity. In addition to these various speculations, it was 
 the opinion of Herschel that the sun is a magnificent, 
 habitable abode ; the light it furnishes arising from 
 certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swim- 
 ming in its transparent atmosphere.f 
 
 But we will not enter further at present into the 
 nature of the sun, that being an inquiry not immediately 
 necessary to the development of this history ; neither 
 will we embroil ourselves in any more of the endless dis- 
 putes of philosophers touching the form of this globe, but 
 content ourselves with the theory advanced in the begin- 
 ning of this chapter, and will proceed to illustrate by ex- 
 periment the complexity of motion therein ascribed to 
 this our rotatory planet. 
 
 Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the 
 name may be rendered into English) was long celebrated 
 in the University of Leyden for profound gravity of 
 deportment and a talent at going to sleep in the midst of 
 examinations, to the infinite relief of his hopeful students, 
 
 * Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2 ; Idem. Probl. sec. 15 ; Stob. Eel. Pliys, 
 1. i. p. 55 ; Brack. Hist. Phil. t. i. i>. 1154, Szc. 
 
 t Philos. Trans. 1795, p. 72 ; Mem. 1801, p. 2G5 ; Nich. Philos. 
 Journ. i. p. 1^.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 35 
 
 who thereby worked their way through college with 
 great ease and little study. In the course of one of his 
 lectures, the learned professor seizing a bucket of water 
 swung it around his head at arm's length. The impulse 
 with which he threw the vessel from him, being a centri- 
 fugal force, the retention of his arm operating as a cen- 
 tripetal power, and the bucket, which was a substitute for 
 the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the 
 globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von Podding- 
 cof t, which formed no bad representation of the sun. All 
 of these particulars were duly explained to the class of 
 gaping students around him. He apprised them more- 
 over, that the same principle of gravitation which re- 
 tained the water in the bucket restrains the ocean from 
 flying from the earth in its rapid revolutions ; and he 
 farther informed them that should the motion of the 
 earth be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall 
 into the sun, through the centripetal force of gravita tion : 
 a most ruinous event to this planet, and one which would 
 also obscure, though it most probably would not ex- 
 tinguish, the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, one 
 of those vagrant geniuses who seem sent iaito the world 
 merely to annoy worthy men of the puddinghead order, 
 desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, 
 suddenly arrested the arm of the professor just at the 
 moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which im- 
 mediately descended with astonishing precision upon 
 the philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A 
 hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, attended the contact ; 
 but the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, for 
 the unfortunate bucket perished in the conflict ; but 
 the blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft 
 emerged from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than 
 ever with unutterable indignation, whereby the students 
 were marvellously edified, and departed considerably 
 wiser than before.
 
 36 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 It is a mortifying circumstance, wliich greatly per- 
 plexes many a painstaking philosopher, that nature often 
 refuses to second his most profound and elaborate efforts ; 
 so that often after having invented one of the most inge- 
 nious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the 
 perverseness to act directly in the teeth of his system, and 
 flatly contradict his most favourite positions. This is a 
 manifest and unmerited grievance, since it throws the 
 censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely iipon the 
 philosopher ; whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to 
 his theory, which is unquestionably correct, but to the 
 waywardness of Dame Nature, who, with the proverbial 
 fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in coque- 
 tries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in 
 violating all philosophic rules, and jilting the most 
 learned and indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it hap- 
 pened with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explana- 
 tion of the motion of our planet; it appears that the 
 centrifugal force has long since ceased to operate, while 
 its antagonist remains in undiminished potency : the 
 world, therefore, according to the theory as it originally 
 stood, ought in strict propriety to tumble into the sun ; 
 philosophers were convinced that it would do so, and 
 awaited in anxious impatience the fulfilment of their 
 prognostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously 
 continued her course, notwithstanding that she had 
 reason, philosophy, and a whole university of learned pro- 
 fessors opposed to her conduct. The philosophers took 
 this in very ill part, and it is thought they would never 
 have pardoned the slight and affront which they con- 
 ceived put upon them by the world had not a good- 
 natured professor kindly' officiated as a mediator between 
 the parties, and effected a reconciliation. 
 
 Finding the world would not accommodate itself to 
 the theory, he wisely determined to accommodate the 
 theory to the world ; he therefore informed hi.' brotlier
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 37 
 
 philosophers that the circular motion of the earth round 
 the sun was no sooner engendered by the conflicting im- 
 pulses above described than it became a regular revolu- 
 tion independent of the causes which gave it origin. His 
 learned brethren readily joined in the opinion, being 
 heartily glad of any explanation that would decently 
 extricate them from their embarrassment ; and ever since 
 that memorable era the world has been left to take her 
 own course, and to revolve around the sun in such orbit 
 as she thinks proper. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 Having thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, 
 and given him some idea of its form and situation, he 
 will naturally be curious to know from whence it came, 
 and how it was created. And, indeed, the clearing up of 
 these points is absolutely essential to my history, inas- 
 much as if this world had not been formed, it is more 
 than probable that this renowned island, on which is 
 situated the city of Xew York, would never have had an 
 existence. The regular course of my history, therefore, 
 requires that I should proceed to notice the cosmogony or 
 formation of this our globe. 
 
 And now I give my readers fair warning that I am 
 about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a 
 labyrinth as ever historian was perplexed withal ; there- 
 fore I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and 
 keep close at my heels, venturing neither to the right 
 hand nor to the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of 
 oinintelligible learning, or have their brains knocked out 
 by some of those hard Greek names which will be flying 
 about in all directions. But should any of them be too 
 indolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this 
 perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut 
 roiind, and wait for me at the beginning of some smoother 
 chapter.
 
 38 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 
 
 Of the creation of the world we have a thousand con- 
 tradictory accounts ; and though a very satisfactory one 
 is furnished us by divine revelation, yet every philoro- 
 pher feels himself in honour bound to furnish us with a 
 better. As an impartial historian, I consider it my duty 
 to notice their several theories, by which mankind have 
 been so exceedingly edified and instructed. 
 
 Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that 
 the earth and the whole system of the universe was the 
 Deity himself ; * a doctrine most strenuously maintained 
 by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by 
 Strabo and the sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pytha- 
 goras likewise inculcated the famous numerical system 
 of the monad, dyad, and triad ; and by means of his sacred 
 quaternary, elucidated the formation of the world, the 
 arcana of nature, and the principles both of music 'and 
 morals, f Other sages adhered to the mathematical 
 system of squares and triangles ; the cube, the pyramid, 
 and the sphere ; the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the 
 icosahedron, and the dodecahedron. J While others ad- 
 vocated the great elementary theory, which refers the 
 construction of our globe and all that it contains to the 
 combinations of four material elements, air, earth, fire, 
 and water ; with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial 
 and vivifying principle. 
 
 Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic sj'stem 
 taught by old Moschus before the siege of Troy ; re- 
 vived by Democritus of laughing memory ; improved by 
 Epicurus, that king of good fellows ; and modernised by 
 the fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring, whether 
 the atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are 
 
 * Aristot. np. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3. 
 
 t Aristot. Metajili. lib. i. c. 5 ; lelcm. do Coelo, 1. iii. c. 1 ; Rousseau 
 mem. auv Musique aiicieii. p. 3!) ; Plutarch de Plac. Pliilos. lib. i. 
 cap. 3. 
 
 t Tiiu. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii. p. 00.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 39 
 
 eternal or recent ; whether they are animate or inanimate ; 
 whether, agreeably, to the opinion of Atheists, they were 
 fortuitously aggregated, or, as the Theists maintain, were 
 arranged by a supreme intelligence.'*' "Whether, in fact, 
 the earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be animated 
 by a soul,f which opinion was strenuously maintained 
 by a host of philosophers, at the head of whom stands 
 the great Plato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold 
 water of philosophy on the form of sexual intercourse, 
 and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love — an ex- 
 quisitely refined intercourse, but much better adapted to 
 the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis 
 than to the sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesh and 
 blood, which populates the little matter-of-fact island we 
 inhabit. 
 
 Besides these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical 
 theogony of old Hesiod, who generated the whole universe 
 in the regular mode of procreation ; and the plausible 
 opinion of others, that the earth was hatched from the 
 great egg of night, which floated in chaos, and was 
 cracked by the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate 
 this last doctrine, Burnet, in his theory of the earth,! has 
 favoured us with an accurate drawing and description, 
 both of the form and texture of this mundane egg, 
 which is found to bear a marvellous resemblance to that 
 of a goose. Such of my readers as take a proper interest 
 in the origin of this our planet will be pleased to learn 
 that the most profound sages of antiquity among the 
 Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, and Latins have 
 alternately assisted at the hatching of this strange bird, 
 and that their cacklings have been caught, and continued 
 
 * Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6 ; Aristopli. Metaph. lib. i. cap. 
 3 ; Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10 ; Justin Mart. orat. ad gent. p. 
 20. 
 
 t Mosheim in Cudw. lib i. cap. 4 ; Tim. de auim. mund. ap. Plat, 
 lib. iii. ; Mem. de I'Acad. des Belles-Lettr. t. xxxii. p. 19. 
 
 X Book i. eh. o.
 
 40 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 in different tones and inflections, from philosopher to 
 philosopher, unto the present day. 
 
 But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of 
 ancient sages, let me not pass over, with neglect, those 
 of other philosophers, which, though less universal than 
 renov/ned, have equal claims to attention, and equal 
 chance for correctness. Thus it is recorded by the 
 Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired Shastah, that 
 the angel Bistnoo transformed himself into a great 
 boar, plunged into the watery abj^ss, and brought up the 
 earth on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tor- 
 toise and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed the snake 
 erect upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed the 
 earth upon the head of the snake.* 
 
 The negro johilosophers of Congo affirm, that the world 
 was made by the hands of angels, excepting their own 
 country, which the Supreme Being constructed himself, 
 that it might be supremely excellent. And he took great 
 pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black 
 and beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, 
 he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him over 
 the face, and hence his nose, and the nose of all his 
 descendants, became fiat. 
 
 The IMohawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant 
 woman fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise took 
 her upon its back, because every place was covered with 
 water ; and that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise, 
 paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the 
 earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became 
 higher than the water.f 
 
 But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient 
 and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, 
 in despite of all their erudition, compelled them to write 
 
 * Holwell, Gent. Philosophy. 
 
 t Johannes Megapoknsis, Jun. Account of Maquaas or Mohawk 
 Indians.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 41 
 
 in languages wliicli but few of my readers can under- 
 stand ; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more 
 intelligible and fashionable theories of their modern 
 succGssors. 
 
 And, first, I shall mention the great Euii'on, who con- 
 jectures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid 
 fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by the per- 
 cussion of a comet, as a spark is generated by the colli- 
 sion of flint and steel. That at first it was surrounded 
 by gross vapours, which, cooling and condensing in pro- 
 cess of time, constituted, according to their densities, 
 earth, water, and air, which gradually arranged them- 
 selves, according to their respective gravities, round the 
 burning or vitrified mass that formed their centre. 
 
 Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at 
 first were universally paramount ; and he terrifies him- 
 self with the idea that the earth must be eventually 
 washed away by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain 
 torrents, until it is confounded with the ocean, or, in 
 other words, absolutely dissolves into itself. Sublime 
 idea ! far surpassing that of the tender-hearted damsel of 
 antiquity, who wept herself into a fountain ; or the good 
 dame of Xarbonne in France, who, for a volubility of 
 tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five 
 hundred thousand and thirty -nine ropes of onions, and 
 actually run out at her eyes before half the hideous task 
 was accomplished. 
 
 Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled 
 Ditton in his researches after the longitude (for which 
 the mischief-loving Swift discharged on their heads a 
 most savoury stanza), has distinguished himself by a very 
 admirable theory respecting the earth. He conjectures 
 that it was originally a chaotic comet, which, being 
 selected for the abode of man, was removed from its ec- 
 centric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its present 
 regular motion ; by which change of direction, order
 
 42 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 succeeded to confusion in the arrangement of its com- 
 ponent parts. The philosopher adds that the deluge was 
 produced by an iincourteous salute from the watery tail 
 of another comet ; doubtless through sheer envy of its 
 improved condition : thus furnishing a melancholy proof 
 that jealousy may prevail even among the heavenly bodies, 
 and discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres 
 so melodiously sung by the poets. 
 
 But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among 
 which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and White- 
 hurst ; regretting extremely that my time will not suffer 
 me to give them the notice they deserve ; and shall con- 
 clude with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This 
 learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme 
 as reason, and for good-natured credulity as serious re- 
 search, and who has recommended himself wonderfully 
 to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all 
 the gallantries, amours, debaucheries, and other topics of 
 scandal of the court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory 
 worthy of his combustible imagination. According to 
 his opinion the huge mass of chaos took a sudden occasion 
 to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that act 
 exploded the sun — which, in its flight, by a similar con- 
 vulsion, exploded the earth, which in like guise exploded 
 the moon — and thus, by a concatenation of explosions, 
 the whole solar system was produced, and set most 
 systematically in motion !* 
 
 By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every 
 one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found sur- 
 prisingly consistent in all its parts, my unlearned readers 
 will perhaps be led to conclude that the creation of a 
 world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. 
 I have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in 
 which a world could be constructed ; and I have no doubt 
 
 * Drw. Bot. Garden, part i. cant. i.l. 105.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 43 
 
 that had any of the philosophers above quoted the use of 
 a good manageable comet, and the philosophical ware- 
 house, chaos at his command, he would engage to manu- 
 facture a planet as good, or, if you would take his word 
 for it, better than this we inhabit. 
 
 And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Provid- 
 ence, in creating comets for the great relief of bewildered 
 philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions 
 and transitions are effected in the system of nature than 
 are wrought in a pantomimic exhiljition by the wonder- 
 working sv\'-ord of harlequin. Should one of our modern 
 sages, in his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find 
 himself lost in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling 
 into the abj^ss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to 
 seize a comet by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and 
 away he gallops in triumph like an enchanter on his 
 hippogriff, or a Connecticut witch on her broomstick, " to 
 sweep the cobwebs out of the sky." 
 
 It is an old and vulgar saying about a '' beggar on 
 horseback," which I would not for the world have applied 
 to these reverend philosophers ; but I must confess that 
 some of them, when they are mounted on one of those 
 fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvettings as was 
 Phaeton of yore, when he aspired to manage the chariot 
 of Phoebus. One drives his comet at full speed against 
 the sun, and knocks the world out of him with the mighty 
 concussion ; another, more moderate, makes his comet a 
 kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply 
 of food and faggots ; a third, of more combustible dis- 
 position, threatens to throw his comet like a bombshell 
 into the world, and blow it up like a powder magazine ; 
 while a fourth, with no great delicacy to this planet 
 and its inhabitants, insinuates that some day or other his 
 comet — my modest pen blushes while I write it — shall 
 absolutely turn tail upon our world and deluge it with 
 water ! Surely, as I have already observed, comets were
 
 44 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 bountifully provided by Providence for the benefit of 
 philosophers, to assist them in manufacturing theories. 
 
 And no^Y, having adduced several of the most promi- 
 nent theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my 
 judicious readers at full liberty to choose among them. 
 They are all serious speculations of learned men — all 
 differ essentially from each other — and all have the same 
 title to belief. It has ever been the task of one race of 
 philosophers to demolish the works of their predecessors, 
 and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, which 
 in their turn are demolished and replaced by the air- 
 castles of a succeeding generation. Thus it would seem 
 that knowledge and genius, of which we make such 
 great parade, consist but in detecting 'the errors and 
 absurdities of those who have gone before, and de- 
 vising new errors and absurdities, to be detected by 
 those who are to come after us. Theories are the mighty 
 soap-bubbles with which the grown-up children of 
 science amuse themselves, while the honest vulgar stand 
 gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these learned 
 vagaries with the name of wisdom ! Surely Socrates was 
 right in his opinion, that philosophers are but a soberer 
 sort of madmen, busying themselves in things totally 
 incomprehensible, or which, if they could be compre- 
 hended, would be found not worthy the trouble of 
 discovery. 
 
 For my own part, until the learned have come to an 
 •Agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with 
 the account handed down to us by Moses ; in which I do 
 but follow the example of our ingenious neighbours of 
 Connecticut ; who at their first settlement proclaimed 
 that the colony should be governed by the laws of God — 
 until they had time to make better. 
 
 One thing however appears certain — from the unani- 
 mous authority of the before quoted philosophers, sup- 
 ported by the evidence of our own senses (which, though
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 45 
 
 very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as 
 additional testimony) — it appears, I say, and I make the 
 assertion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, that 
 this globe really was created, and that it is composed of 
 land and water. It further appears that it is curiously 
 divided and parcelled out into continents and islands, 
 among which I boldly declare the renowned island of 
 New York will be found by any one who seeks for it in its 
 proper place. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 NoAii, who is the first seafaring man we read of, begat 
 three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Authors, it is true, 
 are not wanting who affirm that the patriarch had a 
 number of other children. Thus Berosus makes him 
 father of the gigantic Titans ; Methodius gives him a son 
 called Jonithus, or Jonicus (who was the first inventor oi" 
 Johnny cakes) ; and others have mentioned a son, named 
 Thuiscou, from whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, 
 or, in other words, the Dutch nation. 
 
 I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will 
 not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my 
 readers, by investigating minutely the history of the great 
 Noah. Indeed, such an undertaking would be attended 
 with more trouble than many people would imagine ; for 
 the good old patriarch seems to have been a great 
 traveller in his day, and to have passed under a different 
 name in every country that he visited. The Chaldeans, 
 for instance, give us his story, merely altering his name 
 into Xisuthrus — a trivial alteration, which to an his- 
 torian skilled in etymologies will appear wholly unim- 
 portant. It appears, likev/ise, that he had exchanged his 
 tarpaulin and quadrant among the Chaldeans for the 
 gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch 
 in their annals. The Eg3-ptianp celebrate him under the 
 name of Osiris ; tlie Indians as ]\renu ; the Greek and
 
 46 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 Roman writers confound him with Ogyges ; and the Theban 
 with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who de- 
 servedly rank among the most extensive and authentic 
 historians, inasmuch as they have known the world much 
 longer than any one else, declare that Xoah vras no other 
 than Fohi ; and what gives this assertion some air of 
 credibility is that it is a fact, admitted by the most en- 
 lightened literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the 
 time of the building of the Tower of Babel (probably to 
 improve himself in the study of languages), and the 
 learned Dr. Shuckf ord gives us the additional information 
 that the ark rested on a mountain on the frontiers of China. 
 
 From this mass of rational conjectures and sage 
 hypotheses many satisfactory deductions might be 
 drawn ; but I shall content myself with the simple fact 
 stated in the Bible — viz., that Noah begat three sons, 
 Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is astonishing on what re- 
 mote and obscure contingencies the great affairs of this 
 world depend, and how events the most distant, and to 
 the common observer unconnected, are inevitably conse- 
 quent the one to the other. It remains to the philosopher 
 to discover these mysterious affinities, and it is the 
 proudest triumph of his skill to detect and drag forth 
 some latent chain of causation, which at first sight ap- 
 pears a paradox to the inexperienced observer. Thus 
 many of my readers will doubtless wonder what connec- 
 tion the family of Noah can possibly have with this 
 history ; and many will stare when informed that the 
 whole history of this quarter of the world has taken its 
 character and course from the simple circumstance of the 
 patriarch's having but three sons — but to explain. 
 
 Noah, we are told by sundry very credible historians, 
 becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the €arth, 
 in fee simple, after the deluge, like a good father, por- 
 tioned out his estate among his children. To Shem he 
 gave Asia ; to Ham, Africa ; and to J aphet, Europe. Now
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YOUK. 47 
 
 it is a thousand times to be lamented that he had Init 
 three sons, for had there been a fourth he would doubt- 
 less have inherited America, which, of course, would 
 have been dragged forth from its obscurity on the occa- 
 sion ; and thus many a hard-working historian and phi- 
 losopher would have been spared a prodigious mass of 
 weary conjecture respecting the first discovery and popu- 
 lation of this country. ISToah, however, having provided 
 for his three sons, looked in all probability upon our 
 country as mere wild unsettled land, and said nothing 
 about it ; and to this unpardonable taciturnity of the 
 patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune that America 
 did not come into the world as early as the other quarters 
 of the globe. 
 
 It is true, some writers have vindicated him from this 
 misconduct towards posterity, and asserted that he really 
 did discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Mark 
 Lescarbot, a French writer, possessed of that ponderosity 
 of thought and profoundness of reflection so peculiar to 
 his nation, that the immediate descendants of Xoah 
 peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old 
 patriarch himself, who still retained a passion for the sea- 
 faring life, superintended the transmigration. The 
 pious and enlightened father, Charlevoix, a French 
 Jesuit, remarkable for his aversion to the marvellous, 
 common to all great travellers, is conclusively of tho 
 same opinion ; nay, he goes still farther, and decides 
 iipon the manner in which the discovery was eflFected, 
 which was by sea, and under the immediate direction of 
 the great Noah. " I have already observed," exclaims 
 the good father, in a tone of becoming indignation, "that 
 it is an arbitrary supposition that the grandchildren of 
 Noah were not able to penetrate into the new world, or 
 that they never thought of it. In effect, I can see no 
 reason that can justify such a notion. ^Vho can seriously 
 believe that Noah and his immediate descendants knew
 
 48 HISTORY OF NEW YOEK 
 
 less than we do, and that the builder and pilot of the 
 greatest ship that ever was, a ship which was formed to 
 traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals 
 and quicksands to guard against, should be ignorant of, 
 or should not have communicated to his descendants, the 
 art of sailing on the ocean / Therefore, they did sail 
 on the ocean — therefore, they sailed to America — there- 
 fore, America was discovered by Xoah ! " 
 
 Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so 
 strikingly characteristic of the good father, being ad- 
 dressed to the faith, rather than the understanding, is 
 flatly opposed by Hans de Laet, who declares it a real 
 and most ridiculous paradox to suppose that Xoah ever 
 entertained the thought of discovering America ; and as 
 Hans is a Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe he must 
 have been much better acquainted with the worthy crew 
 of the ark than his competitors, and of course possessed 
 of more accurate sources of information. It is astonish- 
 ing how intimate historians do daily become with the 
 patriarchs and other great men of antiquity. As intimacy 
 improves with time, and as the learned are particularly 
 inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance with the 
 ancients, I should not be surprised if some future writers 
 should gravely give us a picture of mcin and manners as 
 they existed before the flood far more copious and accu- 
 rate than the Bible ; and that, in the course of another 
 centurj'jthe log-book of the good Xoah should be as current 
 among historians as the voyages of Captain Cook, or the 
 renowned history of Robinson Crusoe. 
 
 I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge 
 mass of additional suppositions, conjectures, and proba- 
 bilities respecting the first discovery of this country, 
 with which unhappy historians overload themselves in 
 their endeavours to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous 
 world. It is painful to see these laborious wights 
 panting, and toiling, and sweating under an enormous
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 49 
 
 burden, at tlie very outset of their works, which, on being 
 opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of 
 straw. As, however, by unwearied assiduity, they seem to 
 have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all the 
 world, that this country lias hcen (liscorercd, I shall avail 
 myself of their useful labours to be extremely brief upon 
 this point. 
 
 I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire Avhether America 
 was first discovered by a wandering vessel of that cele- 
 brated Phoenician fleet, which, according to Herodotus, 
 circumnavigated Africa ; or by that Carthaginian expedi- 
 tion which, Pliny the naturalist informs us, discovered 
 the Canary Islands ; or whether it was settled by a 
 temporary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and 
 Seneca. I shall neither inquire whether it was first dis- 
 covered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness 
 advances ; nor by the Norwegians in 10U2, under Biom ; 
 nor by Behem the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has 
 endeavoured to prove to the savants of the learned city 
 of Philadelphia. 
 
 Xor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the 
 "Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the 
 eleventh century, who, having never returned, it has 
 since been wisely concluded that he must have gone to 
 America, and that for a plain reason — if he did not go 
 there, where else could he have gone ? — a question which 
 most Socratically shuts out all further dispute. 
 
 Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above men- 
 tioned, with a multitude of others equally satisfactory, I 
 shall take for granted the vulgar opinion that America 
 was discovered on the 12th of October, 1402, by Chris- 
 toval Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed 
 Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the 
 voyages and adventures of this Colon I shall say nothing, 
 seeing that they are already sufficiently known. Xor shall 
 I undertake to prove that this country should have been
 
 50 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 called Colonia, after liis name, that being notoriously self- 
 evident. 
 
 Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the 
 Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impatience to 
 enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in 
 full expectation that I will immediately deliver it into 
 their possession. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the re- 
 putation of a regular bred historian ! No — no — most 
 curious and thrice-learned readers (for thrice learned ye 
 are if ye have read all that has gone before, and nine 
 times learned shall ye be if ye read that which comes 
 after), we have yet a world of work before us. Think 
 you the first discoverers of this fair quarter of the globe 
 had nothing to do but go on shore and find a country 
 ready laid out and cultivated like a garden, wherein they 
 might revel at their ease ? No such thing. They had 
 forests to cut do-\vn, underwood to grub up, marshes to 
 drain, and savages to exterminate. 
 
 In like manner, I have sundrj'- doubts to clear away, 
 questions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain before I 
 permit you to range at random ; but these difficulties 
 once overcome we shall be enabled to jog on right merrily 
 through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in 
 a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same 
 manner as the sound of poetry has been found by certain 
 shrewd critics to echo the sense— this being an improve- 
 ment in history which I claim the merit of having 
 invented. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 The next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular 
 course of our history is to ascertain, if possible, how this 
 country was originally peopled — a point fruitful of in- 
 credible embarrassments ; for unless we prove that the 
 aborigines did absolutely come fi-om somewhere, it will 
 be immediately asserted in this age of scepticism, that
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 51 
 
 they did not come at all ; and if they did not come at all, 
 then was this country never populated — a conclusion 
 perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly 
 irreconcilable to every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as 
 it must syllogistically prove fatal to the innumerable 
 aborigines of this populous region. 
 
 To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical 
 annihilation so many millions of fellow-creatures, how 
 many wings of geese have been plundered ! what oceans 
 of ink have been benevolently drained ! and how many 
 capacious heads of learned historians have been addled 
 and for ever confounded ! I pause with reverential awe 
 when I contemplate the ponderous tomes in different 
 languages, with which they have endeavoured to solve this 
 question, so important to the happiness of society, but so in- 
 volved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. Historian after 
 historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical 
 argument, and, after leading us a weary chase through 
 octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the end of 
 his work just as wise as we were at the beginning. It 
 was doubtless some philosophical wild-goose chase of the 
 kind that made the old poet Macrobius rail in such a 
 passion at curiosity, which he anathematises most heartily 
 as " an irksome, agonising care, a superstitious industry 
 about unprofitable things, an itching humour to see what 
 is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies nothing 
 when it is done." But to proceed. 
 
 Of the claims of the children of Xoah to the original 
 population of this country I shall say nothing, as they 
 have already been touched upon in my last chapter. The 
 claimants next in celebrity are the descendants of Abra- 
 ham. Thus Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus), 
 when he first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola, 
 immediately concluded, with a shrewdness that would 
 have done honour to a philosopher, that he had found 
 the ancient Ophir, from whence Solomon procured the
 
 52 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 gold for embellishing the temple at Jerusalem ; nay, 
 Colon even imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces 
 of veritable Hebraic construction, employed in refining 
 the precious ore. 
 
 So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fascinating 
 extravagance, was too tempting not to be immediately 
 snapped at by the gudgeons of learning ; and, accordingly', 
 there were divers profound writers ready to swear to its 
 correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authori- 
 ties and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Va- 
 tablus and Robert Stephens declared nothing could be 
 more clear ; Arius Montanus, without the least hesitation, 
 asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the 
 early settlers of the country. While Possevin, Becan, 
 and several other sagacious writers lug in a suj)j)oscd 
 prophecy of the fourth book of Esdras, which being in- 
 serted in the mighty hypothesis, like the keystone of an 
 arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability. 
 
 Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly 
 superstructure when in trudges a phalanx of opposite 
 authors with Hans de Laet, the great Dutchman, at their 
 head, and at one l^low tumbles the whole fabric about their 
 ears. Hans, in fact, contradicts outright all the Isracl- 
 itish claims to the first settlement of this country, attri- 
 buting all those equivocal symjotoms, and traces of 
 Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to be 
 found in divers provinces of the new world, to the Devil, 
 who has always affected to counterfeit the worship of the 
 true Deity. " A remark," says the knowing old Padre 
 d'Acosta, " made by all good authors who have spoken of 
 the religion of nations newly discovered, and founded, 
 besides, on the authority of the fathers of the churchy 
 
 Some writers again, among whom it is with much 
 regret I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara and 
 Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Canaanites, being driven 
 from the land of promise by the J«nvs, were reized Vt'ith
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 53 
 
 such a panic that they fled without looking behind them, 
 until, stopping to take breath, they found themselves safe 
 in America. As they brought neither their national 
 language, manners, nor features with them it is supposed 
 they left them behind in the hurry of their flight. I 
 cannot give my faith to this opinion. 
 
 I pass over the supposition of the learned Grotius, who 
 being both an ambassador and a Dutchman to boot, is en- 
 titled to great respect, that Xorth America was peopled 
 by a strolling company of Norwegians, and that Peru 
 was founded by a colony from China — jManco or Mungo 
 Capac, the first Incas, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall I 
 more than barely mention that Father Kircher ascribes 
 the settlement of America to the Egyptians, Budbeck to 
 the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus Petri 
 to a skating party from Friesland, Milius to the Celtaa, 
 Marinocus the Sicilian to the Romans, Le Comte to the 
 Phoenicians, Postel to the Moors, Martin d'Angleria to 
 the Abyssinians, together with the sage surmise of Be 
 Laet, that England, Ireland, and the Orcades may contend 
 for that honour. 
 
 Xor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the 
 idea that America is the fairy region of Zipangri, 
 described by that dreaming traveller Marco Polo the 
 Venetian ; or that it comprises the visionary island of 
 Atlantis, described by Plato. Neither will I stop to 
 investigate the heathenish assertion of Paracelsus, that 
 each hemisphere of the globe was originally furnished 
 with an Adam and Eve. Or the more flattering opinion 
 of Dr. Romayne, supported by many nameless authorities, 
 that Adam was of the Indian race ; or the startling con- 
 jecture of Buff on, Helvetius, and Darwin, so highly honour- 
 able to mankind, that the whole human species is acci- 
 dentally descended from a remarkable family of monkeys ! 
 
 This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very 
 suddenly and very ungraciour^^]y. I have often beheld
 
 54 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 the clown in a pantomime, wliile gazing in stupid wonder 
 at the extravagant gambols of a harlequin, all at once 
 electrified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across 
 his shoulders. Little did I think at such times that it 
 would ever fall to my lot to be treated with equal 
 discourtes}', and that while I was quietly beholding these 
 grave philosophers emulating the eccentric transforma- 
 tions of the hero of pantomime, they would on a sudden 
 turn upon me and my readers, and with one hypothetical 
 flourish metamorphose us into beasts ! I determined 
 from that moment not to burn my fingers with any more 
 of their theories, but content myself with detailing the 
 different methods by which they transported the descend- 
 ants of these ancient and respectable monkeys to this 
 great field of theoretical warfare. 
 
 This was done either by migrations by land or trans- 
 migrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph d'Acosta enu- 
 merates three passages by land, first by the north of 
 Europe, secondly by the north of Asia, and, thirdly, by 
 regions southward of the Straits of Magellan. The 
 learned Grotius marches his Norwegians by a pleasant 
 route across frozen rivers and arms of the sea, through 
 Iceland, Greenland, Estotiland, and Naremberga ; and 
 various writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn, 
 and Buffon, anxious for the accommodation of these 
 travellers, have fastened the two continents together by 
 a strong chain of deductions — by which means they 
 could pass over dry-shod. But should even this fail, 
 Pinkerton, that industrious old gentleman, who compiles 
 books and manufactures geographies, has constructed a 
 natural bridge of ice, from continent to continent, at the 
 distance of four or five miles from Behring's Straits — for 
 which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the 
 wandering aborigines who ever did or ever will pass 
 over it. 
 
 It is an evil much to be lamented that none of the
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 55 
 
 worfhy writers above quoted could ever commence his 
 work without immediately declaring hostilities against 
 every writer who had treated of the same subject. In 
 this particular authors may be compared to a certain 
 sagacious bird, which, in building its nest is sure to pull 
 to pieces the nests of all the birds in its neighbourhood. 
 This unhappy propensity tends grievously to impede the 
 progress of sound knowledge. Theories are at best but 
 brittle productions, and when once committed to the 
 stream, they should take care that, like the notable pots 
 which were fellow-voyagers, they do not crack each 
 other. 
 
 My chief surprise is, that among the many writers I 
 have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that this 
 country was peopled from the moon — or that the first 
 inhabitants floated hither on islands of ice, as white bears 
 cruise about the northern oceans — or that they were 
 conveyed hither by balloons, as modern aeronauts pass 
 from Dover to Calais — or by witchcraft, as Simon 
 Magus posted among the stars — or after the manner of 
 the renowned Scythian Abaris, who, like the Xew England 
 witches on full-blooded broomsticks, made most unheard- 
 of journeys on the back of a golden arrow, given him by 
 the Hyperborean Apollo. 
 
 But there is still one mode left by which this country 
 could have been peopled, which I have reserved for the 
 last, because I consider it worth all the rest : it is — hy 
 accident ! Speaking of the islands of Solomon, New 
 Guinea, and Xew Holland, the profound father Charle- 
 voix observes : " In fine, all these countries are peopled, 
 and it is possihle some have been so hy accident. Now 
 if it could have happened in that manner, why might it 
 not have been at the same time, and by the same means, 
 with tlie other parts of the globe ? " This ingenious 
 mode of deducing certain conclusions from possible 
 premises is an improvement in syllogistic skill, and
 
 5G HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 jDroves the good father superior even to Archimedes, for 
 he can turn the world without anything to rest his lever 
 upon. It is only surpassed by the dexterity with which 
 the sturdy old Jesuit in another place cuts the gordian 
 knot — " Nothing," says he, " is more easy. The inhabit- 
 ants of both hemispheres are certainly the descendants 
 of the same father. The common father of mankind 
 received an express order from Heaven to people the 
 world, and accordingly it has been jjeopled. To bring 
 this about it was necessary to overcome all difficulties in 
 the way, and tlicy have also been overcome !'^ Pious 
 logician ! How does he put all the herd of laborious 
 theorists to the blush, by explaining in five words what 
 it has cost them volumes to jDrove they knew nothing 
 about ! 
 
 From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety of 
 others which I have consulted, but which are omitted 
 through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader, I can 
 only draw the following conclusions, which luckily, 
 however, are sufficient for my purpose. First, that this 
 part of the world has actually heen peopled (Q.E.D.), to 
 support which we have living proofs in the numerous 
 tribes of Indians that inhabit it. Secondly, that it has 
 been peopled in five hundred different ways, as proved by 
 a cloud of authors, who, from the positiveness of their 
 assertions, seem to have been eye-witnesses to the fact. 
 Thirdly, that the people of this country had a variety of 
 fathers, which, as it may not be thought much to their 
 credit by the common run of readers, the less we say on 
 the subject the better. The question, therefore, I trust, 
 is for ever at rest. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 The writer of a history may, in some respects, be likened 
 unto an adventurous knight, who having undertaken a 
 perilous enterprise by way of establishing his fame, feels
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 57 
 
 bound, in honour and chivalry to turn Ijack for no 
 difficulty nor hardship, and never to shrink or quail, 
 whatever enemy he may encounter. Under this impres- 
 sion, I resolutely draw my pen, and fall to with might 
 and main at those doughty questions and subtle 
 paradoxes which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, 
 beset the entrance to my history, and would fain repulse mc 
 from the very threshold. And at this moment a gigantic 
 question has started up, which I must needs take by the 
 beard and utterly subdue before I can advance another 
 step in my historic undertaking ; but I trust this will be 
 the last adversary I shall have to contend with, and that 
 in the next book I shall be enabled to conduct my readers 
 in triumph into the body of my work. 
 
 The question which has thus suddenly arisen is, What 
 right had the first discoverers of America to land and 
 take possession of a country without first gaining the 
 consent of its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate 
 compensation for their territory ? — a question which has 
 withstood many fierce assaults, and has given much 
 distress of mind to multitudes of kind-hearted folk. And 
 indeed, until it be totally vanquished, and put to rest, the 
 worthy people of America can by no means enjoj'- the soil 
 they inhabit with clear right and title, and quiet, 
 unsullied consciences. 
 
 The first source of right by w^hich property is acquired 
 in a country is discovery. For as all mankind have an 
 equal right to anything which has never before been 
 appropriated, so any nation that discovers an unin- 
 habited country, and takes possession thereof, is con- 
 sidered as enjoying full property, and absolute, unques- 
 tionable empire therein.* 
 
 This proposition being admitted, it follov.-s clearly that 
 the Europeans who first visited America were the real 
 discoverers of the same ; nothing being necessary to the 
 * Grotius : Piiffeudorf, b. v. c. 4 ; Vattel, b. i. c. IS, &c.
 
 58 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 establishment of this fact but simply to prove that it 
 was totally uninhabited by man. This would at first 
 appear to be a point of some difficulty, for it is well 
 known that this quarter of the world abounded with 
 certain animals, that walked erect on two feet, had some- 
 thing of the human countenance, uttered certain unin- 
 telligible sounds, Yery much like language ; in short, had 
 a marvellous resemblance to human beings. But the 
 zealous and enlightened fathers who accompanied the 
 discoverers, for the purpose of promoting the kingdom of 
 heaven by establishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on 
 earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfac- 
 tion of his holiness the Pope and of all Christian 
 voyagers and discoverers. 
 
 They plainly proved, and, as there were no Indian 
 writers arose on the other side, the fact was considered as 
 fully admitted and established, that the two-legged race 
 of animals before mentioned were mere cannibals, detest- 
 able monsters, and many of them giants — which last 
 description of vagrants have, since the times of Gog, 
 Magog, and Goliath, been considered as outlaws, and have 
 received no quarter in either history, chivalry, or song. 
 Indeed, even the philosophic Bacon declared the Ameri- 
 cans to be people proscribed by the laws of nature, 
 inasmuch as they had a barbarous custom of sacrificing 
 men, and feeding upon man's flesh. 
 
 Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism : 
 among many other writers of discernment, Ulloa tells us, 
 " their imbecility is so visible that one can hardly form 
 an idea of them different from what one has of the 
 brutes. Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, 
 equally insensible to disasters and to prosperity. Though 
 half naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his 
 most splendid array. Fear makes no impression on 
 them, and respect as little." All this is furthermore 
 supported by the authority of M. Bouguer. " It is not
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 69 
 
 easy," says he, " to describe tlie degree of their indiffer- 
 ence for wealfh and all its advantages. One does not 
 well know what motives to propose to them when one 
 would persuade them to any service. It is vain to offer 
 them money ; they answer they are not hungry." And 
 Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that " ambition 
 they have none, and are more desirous of being thought 
 strong than valiant. The objects of ambition with us — 
 honour, fame, reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions — 
 are unknown among them. So that this powerful spring 
 of action, the cause of so much sccminrj good and real 
 evil in the world, has no power over them. In a word, 
 these unhappy mortals may be compared to children, in 
 whom the development of reason is not completed." 
 
 Now all these peculiarities, although in the unenlight- 
 ened states of Greece they would have entitled their 
 possessors to immortal honour, as having reduced to 
 practice those rigid and abstemious maxims, the mere 
 talking about which acquired certain old Greeks the 
 reputation of sages and philosophers; yet were they 
 clearly proved in the present instance to betoken a most 
 abject and brutified nature, totally beneath the human 
 character. But the benevolent fathers, who had under- 
 taken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb beasts 
 by dint of argument, advanced still stronger proofs ; for 
 as certain divines of the sixteenth century, and among 
 the rest Lullus, affirm, the Americans go naked, and 
 have no beards ! " They have nothing," says Lullus, " of 
 the reasonable animal, except the mask." And even that 
 mask was allowed to avail them but little, for it was 
 soon found that they were of a hideous copper complexion 
 — and being of a copper complexion, it was all the same 
 as if they were negroes — and negroes are black, " and 
 black," said the pious fathers, devotedly crossing them- 
 selves, '' is the colour of the devil ! " Therefore, so far 
 from being able to own property, they had no right even
 
 60 HISTOKY OP NEW YORK. 
 
 to personal freedom — for liberty is too radiant a deity to 
 inhabit such gloomy temples. All which circnmstances 
 plainly convinced the righteous followers of Cortes and 
 Pizarro that these miscreants had no title to the soil that 
 they infested — that they were a perverse, illiterate, dumb, 
 l)eardless, hlack-sced — mere wild beasts of the forests, and, 
 like them, should either be subdued or exterminated. 
 
 From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a variety 
 of others equally conclusive, which I forbear to enumerate, 
 it is clearly evident that this fair quarter of the globe, 
 when first visited by Europeans, was a howling wilder- 
 ness, inhabited by nothing but wild beasts ; and that 
 the transatlantic visitors acquired an incontrovertible 
 property therein, hy the right of discovery. 
 
 This right being fully established, we now come to the 
 next, which is the right acquired by cultivation. " The 
 cultivation of the soil," we are told, " is an obligation 
 imposed by nature on mankind. The whole world is 
 appointed for the nourishment of its inhabitants ; but it 
 would be incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. 
 Every nation is then obliged by the law of nature to 
 cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share. Those 
 people, like the ancient Germans and modern Tartars, 
 who, having fertile countries, disdain to cultivate the 
 earth, and choose to live by rapine, are wanting to 
 themselves, and deserve to he exterminated as savage and 
 2)erniciovs hcastsy * 
 
 Now it is notorious that the savages knew nothing of 
 agriculture when first discovered by the Europeans, but 
 lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life, ram- 
 bling from place to place, and prodigally rioting upon the 
 spontaneous luxuries of nature, without tasking her 
 generosity to jdeld them anything more ; whereas it has 
 been most unquestionably shown that Heaven intended 
 the earth should be ploughed, and sown, and manured, 
 * Vattcl. b. i. ch. 17.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 61 
 
 and laid out into cities, and towns, and farms, and 
 country seats, and pleasure grounds, and public gai-dens, 
 all which the Indians knew nothing about — therefore, 
 they did not improve the talents Providence had bestowed 
 on them — therefore they were careless stewards — there- 
 fore, they had no right to the soil — therefore, they 
 deserved to be exterminated. 
 
 It is true the savages might plead that they drew all 
 the benefits from the land which their simple wants 
 required — they found plenty of game to hunt, which, 
 together with the roots and uncultivated fruits of the 
 earth, furnished a sufficient variety for their frugal 
 repasts ; and that as Heaven merely designed the earth 
 to form the abode and satisfy the wants of man, so long 
 as those purposes were answered the will of Heaven was 
 accomplished. But this only proves how undeserving 
 they were of the blessings around them — they were so 
 much the more savages for not having more wants ; for 
 knowledge is in some degree an increase of desires, and 
 it is this superiority both in the number and magnitude 
 of his desires that distinguishes the man from the beast. 
 Therefore the Indians, in not having more wants, were 
 very unreasonable animals ; and it was but just that they 
 should make way for the Europeans, who had a thousand 
 wants to their one, and, therefore, would turn the earth to 
 more account, and by cultivating it more truly fulfil the 
 will of Heaven. Besides — Grotius and Lauterbach, and 
 Puffendorf , and Titius, and many wise men beside, who 
 have considered the matter properly, have determined 
 that the property of a country cannot be acquired by 
 hunting, cutting wood, or drawing water in it — nothing 
 but precise demarcation of limits, and the intention of 
 cultivation, can establish the possession. Now as the 
 savages (probably from never having read the authors 
 above quoted) had never complied with any of these 
 necessary forms, it plainly follows that they had no right
 
 62 HISTOKY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 to tlie soil, but that it was completely at the disposal of 
 the first comers, who had more knowledge, more wants, 
 and more elegant, that is to say artificial, desires than 
 themselves. 
 
 In entering upon a newlj^ discovered, uncultivated 
 country, therefore, the new comers were but taking 
 possession of what, according to the aforesaid doctrine, 
 was their own property — therefore in opposing them, the 
 savages were invading their just rights, infringing the 
 immutable laws of nature, and counteracting the will of 
 Heaven — therefore, they were guilty of impiet}', burglary, 
 and trespass on the case — therefore, they were hardened 
 offenders against God and man — therefore, they ought to 
 be exterminated. 
 
 But a more irresistible right than either that I have 
 mentioned, and one which will be the most readily 
 admitted by my reader, provided he be blessed with 
 bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the right 
 acquired by civilisation. All the world knows the 
 lamentable state in which these poor savages were found. 
 Not only deficient in the comforts of life, but, what is 
 still worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind to 
 the miseries of their situation. But no sooner did the 
 benevolent inhabitants of Europe behold their sad 
 condition than they immediately went to work to 
 ameliorate and improve it. They introduced among 
 them rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life — 
 and it is astonishing to read how soon the poor savages 
 learn to estimate those blessings — they likewise made 
 known to them a thousand remedies, by which the most 
 inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed ; and that 
 they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy the 
 comforts of these medicines, they previously introduced 
 among them the diseases which they were calculated to 
 cure. By these and a variety of other methods was the 
 condition of these poor savages wonderfully improved ;
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 63 
 
 they acquired a tliousand wants of which they had before 
 been ignorant, and as he has most sources of happiness 
 who has most wants to be gratified, they were doubtlessly 
 rendered a much happier race of beings. 
 
 But the most important branch of civilisation, and 
 which has most strenuously been extolled by the zealous 
 and pious fathers of the Romish Church, is the intro- 
 duction of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight that 
 might well inspire horror, to behold these savages 
 tumbling among the dark mountains of paganism, and 
 guilty of the most horrible ignorance of religion. It is 
 true, they neither stole nor defrauded ; they were sober, 
 frugal, continent, and faithful to their word ; but though 
 they acted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless 
 they acted so from precept. The new comers, therefore, 
 used every method to induce them to embrace and 
 practise the true religion — except, indeed, that of setting 
 them the example. 
 
 But notwithstanding all these complicated labours for 
 their good, such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these 
 stubborn wretches, that they ungratefully refused to ac- 
 knowledge the strangers as their benefactors, and persisted 
 in disbelieving the doctrines they endeavoured to incul- 
 cate ; most insolently alleging that, from their conduct, 
 the advocates of Christianity did not seem to believe in it 
 themselves. Was not this too much for human patience ? 
 Would not one suppose that the benign visitants from 
 Europe, provoked at their incredulity and discouraged by 
 their stiff-necked obstinacy, would for ever have 
 abandoned their shores, and consigned them to their 
 original ignorance and misery ? But no ; so zealous 
 were they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal 
 salvation of these pagan infidels that they even proceeded 
 from the milder means of persuasion to the more painful 
 and troublesome one of persecution — let loose among 
 them whole troops of fiery monks and furious blood-
 
 64 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 hounds — purified them by fire and sword, by stake and 
 faggot ; in consequence of Avbich indefatigable measures 
 the cause of Christian love and charity was so rapidly 
 advanced that in a few years not one fifth of the number 
 of unbelievers existed in South America that were found 
 there at the time of its discovery. 
 
 What stronger right need the European settlers advance 
 to the country than this ? Have not whole nations of 
 uninformed savages been made acquainted with a thou- 
 sand imperious Avants and indispensable comforts of 
 which they were before wholly ignorant ? Have they not 
 been literally hunted and smoked out of the dens and 
 lurking places of ignorance and infidelity, and absolutely 
 scourged into the right path ? Have not the temporal 
 things, the vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, 
 which were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish 
 thoughts, been benevolently taken from them ; and 
 have they not, instead thereof, been taught to set their 
 aft'ections on things above ? And finally, to use the 
 words of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his 
 superior in Spain : " Can any one have the presumption 
 to say that these savage pagans have yielded anything 
 more than an inconsiderable recompense to their bene- 
 factors, in surrendering to them a little pitiful tract of 
 this dirty sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious in- 
 heritance in the kingdom of heaven." 
 
 Here then are three complete and undeniable sources 
 of right established, any one of which was more than 
 ample to establish a property in the newly-discovered 
 regions of America. Now, so it has happened in certain 
 parts of this delightful quarter of the globe that the 
 right of discovery has been so strenuously asserted — the 
 influence of cultivation so industriously extended, and 
 the progress of salvation and civilisation so zealously 
 prosecuted ; that, what with their attcndanfc wars, perse- 
 cutions, oppressions, diseases, and other partial evils that
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YOEK. 65 
 
 often hang on the skirts of great benefits— the savage 
 aborigines have, somehow or other, been utterly anni- 
 hilated — and this all at once brings me to a fourth right, 
 which is worth all the others put together. For the 
 original claimants to the soil being all dead and buried, 
 and no one remaining to inherit or dispute the soil, the 
 Spaniards, as the next immediate occupants, entered upon 
 the possession as clearly as the hangman succeeds to the 
 clothes of the malefactor — and as they have Blackstone * 
 and all the learned expounders of the law on their side, 
 they may set all actions of ejectment at defiance — and 
 this last right may be entitled the right by extermination, 
 or in other words, the right by gunpowder. 
 
 But lest any scruples of conscience should remain on 
 this head, and to settle the question of right for ever, his 
 holiness Pope Alexander YI. issued a mighty Bull, by which 
 he generously granted the newly-discovered quarter of the 
 globe to the Spaniards and Portuguese ; who, thus having 
 law and gospel on their side, and being inflamed Avith 
 great spiritual zeal, showed the pagan savages neither 
 favour nor affection, but prosecuted the work of discovery, 
 colonisation, civilisation, and extermination with ten 
 times more fury than ever. 
 
 Thus were the European worthies who first discovered 
 America clearly entitled to the soil, and not only entitled 
 to the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these infidel 
 savages, for having come so far, endured so many perils by 
 sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for no other 
 purpose but to improve their forlorn, uncivilised, and 
 heathenish condition ; for having made them acquainted 
 with the comforts of life ; for having introduced among 
 them the light of religion ; and, finally, for having hurried 
 them out of the world to enjoy its reward ! 
 
 But as argument is never so well understood by us 
 selfish mortals as when it comes home to ourselves, and as 
 * Bl. Com. b. ii. c, 1. 
 C-77
 
 66 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 I am particularly anxious that this question should be 
 put to rest for ever, I will suppose a parallel case, by way 
 of arousing the candid attention of my readers. - 
 
 Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the moon, 
 by astonishing- advancement in science, and by profound 
 insight into that ineffable lunar philosophy, the mere 
 flickerings of which have of late years dazzled the feebled 
 optics, and addled the shallow brains of the good people of 
 our globe — let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the 
 moon, by these means, had arrived at such a command of 
 their energies, such an enviable state of iwrfcctihiUty, as to 
 control the elements, and navigate the boundless regions 
 of space. Let us suppose a roving crew of these soaring 
 philosophers, in the course of an aerial voyage of dis- 
 covery among the stars, should chance to alight upon this 
 outlandish planet. 
 
 And here I beg my readers will not have the un- 
 charitableness to smile, as is too frequently the fault of 
 volatile readers, when perusing the grave speculations of 
 philosophers. I am far from indulging in any sportive 
 vein at present ; nor is the supposition I have been 
 making so wild as many may deem it. It has long been 
 a very serious and anxious question with me, and many a 
 time and oft, in the course of my overwhelming cares and 
 contrivances for the welfare and protection of this my 
 native planet, have I lain awake whole nights debating 
 in my mind whether it were most probable we should 
 first discover and civilise the moon, or the moon discover 
 and civilise our globe. Neither would the prodigy of 
 sailing in the air and cruising among the stars be a whit 
 more astonishing and incomprehensible to us than was 
 the European mystery of navigating floating castles 
 through the world of waters to the simple savages. We 
 have already discovered the art of coasting along the 
 aerial shores of our planet by means of balloons, as the 
 .savages had of venturing along their sea-coasts in canoes ;
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 67 
 
 and the disparity between the former and the aerial 
 vehicles of the philosophers from the moon might not be 
 greater than that between the bark canoes of the savages 
 and the mighty ships of their discoverers. I might here 
 pursue an endless chain of similar speculations ; but as 
 they would be imimportant to my subject, I abandon 
 them to my reader, particularly if he be a philosopher, 
 as matters well worthy of his attentive consideration. 
 
 To return, then, to my supposition — let us suppose that 
 the aerial visitants I have mentioned, possessed of vastly 
 superior knowledge to ourselves — that is to say, possessed 
 of superior knowledge in the art of extermination — riding 
 on hippogrifEs — defended with impenetrable armour — 
 armed with concentrated sunbeams, and provided with 
 vast engines, to hurl enormous moonstones ; in short, let 
 us suppose them, if our vanity will permit the supposi- 
 tion, as superior to us in knowledge, and consequently in 
 power, as the Europeans were to the Indians when they 
 first discovered them. All this is very possible, it is only 
 our self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise ; and I 
 warrant the poor savages, before they had any knowledge 
 of the white men, armed in all the terrors of glittering 
 steel and tremendous gunpowder, were as perfectly con- 
 vinced that they themselves were the wisest, the most 
 virtuous, powerful, and perfect of created beings, as are 
 at this present moment the lordly inhabitants of old 
 England, the volatile populace of France, or even the 
 self-satisfied citizens of this most enlightened republic. 
 
 Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers, find- 
 ing this planet to be nothing ]nit a howling wilderness, 
 inhabited by us poor savages and wild beasts, shall take 
 formal possession of it, in the name of his most gracious 
 and philosophic excellency, the Man in the Moon. Finding 
 however that their numbers are incompetent to hold it 
 in complete subjection, on account of the ferocious 
 barbarity of its inhabitants, they shall take our worthy
 
 68 HISTORY OF NEW YORK:. 
 
 President, the King of England, the Emperor of Hayti, 
 the mighty Bonaparte, and the great 'King of Bantam, 
 and, returning to their native planet, shall carry them to 
 court, as were the Indian chiefs led about as spectacles 
 in the courts of Europe. 
 
 Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the 
 court requires, they shall address the puissant Man in the 
 Moon in, as near as I can conjecture, the following 
 terms : — 
 
 " Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose dominions 
 extend as far as ej-e can reach, who rideth on the Great 
 Bear, useth the sun as a looking glass, and maintaineth 
 unrivalled control over tides, madmen, and sea-crabs. 
 We, thy liege subjects, have just returned from a voyage 
 of discovery, in the course of which we have landed and 
 taken possession of that obscure little dirty planet, which 
 thou beholdest rolling at a distance. The five uncouth 
 monsters which we have brought into this august 
 presence were once very important chiefs among their 
 fellow-savages, who arc a race of beings totally destitute 
 of the common attributes of humanity, and differing in 
 everything from the inhabitants of the moon, inasmuch 
 as they carry their heads upon their shoulders, instead of 
 under their arms — have two eyes instead of one — are 
 utterly destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly 
 complexions, particularly of horrible whiteness, instead 
 of pea-green. 
 
 "We have moreover found these miserable savages 
 sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity, 
 every man shamelessly living with his own wife, and 
 rearing his own children, instead of indulging in that 
 community of wives enjoined by the law of nature, as 
 expounded by the philosophers of the moon. In a word, 
 they have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among 
 them, but are, in fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses, and 
 barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, on the sad
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK!. 69 
 
 condition of these sublunary wretclies, we have en- 
 deavoured, while we remained on their planet, to introduce 
 among them the light of reason and the comforts of the 
 moon. We have treated them to mouthf uls of moonshine, 
 and draughts of nitrous oxide, which they swallowed 
 with incredible voracity, particularly the females ; and 
 Ave have likewise endeavoured to instil into them the 
 precepts of lunar philosophy. We have insisted upon 
 their renouncing the contemptible shackles of religion 
 and common sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent, 
 and all perfect energy, and the ecstatic, immutable, im- 
 movable perfection. But such was the unparalleled 
 obstinacy of these wretched savages that they persisted 
 in cleaving to their wives, and adhering to their religion , 
 and absolutely set at nought the sublime doctrines of the 
 moon — nay, among other abominable heresies they even 
 went so far as blasphemously to declare that this in- 
 effable planet was made of nothing more nor less than 
 green cheese I " 
 
 At these words, the gi;eat Man in the Moon (being a 
 very profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible 
 passion, and possessing equal authority over things 
 that do not belong to him, as did whilome his holiness the 
 Pope, shall forthwith issue a formidable Bull, specifying, 
 '•That whereas a certain crew of Lunatics have lately dis- 
 covered and taken possession of a newly-discovered planet 
 called tile earth; and that whereas it is inhabited by none 
 but a race of two-legged animals that carry their heads 
 on their shoulders instead of under their arms ; cannot 
 talk the Lunatic language ; have two eyes instead of one ; 
 are destitute of tails, and of a horrible whiteness, instead 
 of pea-green — therefore, and for a variety of other excel- 
 lent reasons, they are considered incapable of possessing 
 any property in the planet they infest, and the right and 
 title to it are confirmed to its original discoverers. And, 
 furthermore, the colonists who are now about to depart
 
 70 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 to the aforesaid planet are authorised and commanded to 
 use every means to convert these infidel savages from the 
 darkness of Christianity, and make them thorough and 
 absolute Lunatics." 
 
 In consequence of this benevolent Bull, our philosophic 
 benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They seize 
 upon our fertile territories, scourge us from our right- 
 ful possessions, relieve us from our wives, and when we 
 are unreasonable enough to complain, they will turn 
 upon us and say, "Miserable barbarians ! ungrateful 
 wretches ! have we not come thousands of miles to im- 
 prove your worthless planet ? have we not fed you with 
 moonshine ? have we not intoxicated you with nitrous 
 oxide? does not our moon give you light every night'/ 
 and have you the baseness to murmur, when we claim a 
 pitiful return for all these benefits ? " But finding that we 
 not only persist in absolute contempt of their reasoning 
 and disbelief in their philosophy, but even go so far as 
 daringly to defend our property, their patience shall be 
 exhausted, and they shall resort to their superior powers 
 of argument ; hunt us with hippogriffs, transfix us with 
 concentrated sunbeams, demolish our cities with moon- 
 stones ; until having by main force converted us to the 
 true faith, they shall graciously permit us to exist in the 
 torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen regions of Lapland, 
 there to enjoy the blessings of civilisation and the charms 
 of lunar philosophy, in much the same manner as the re- 
 formed and enlightened savages of this country are 
 kindly suffered to inhabit the inhospitable forests of 
 the north, or the impenetrable v/ildernesses of South 
 America. 
 
 Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strikingly 
 illustrated, the right of the early colonists to the posses- 
 sion of this country ; and thus is this gigantic question 
 completely vanquished : so having manfully surmounted 
 all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remains
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 71 
 
 but that I should forthwith conduct my readers into the 
 city which we have been so long in a manner besieging ? 
 But hold : before I proceed another step I must pause to 
 take breath, and recover from the excessive fatigue I have 
 undergone, in preparing to begin this most accurate of 
 histories. And in this I do but imitate the example of a 
 renowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who took a start 
 of three miles for the purpose of jumping over a hill, 
 but having run himself out of breath by the time he 
 reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for a few 
 moments to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure. 
 
 asoofe M. 
 
 TREATING OF THE FIEST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE 
 OF NIEUW NEDEELANDTS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 My great-grandfather by the mother's side, Hermanus 
 Van Clattercop, when employed to build the large stone 
 church at Rotterdam, which stands about three himdred 
 yards to your left after you turn off from the Boomkeys, 
 and which is so conveniently constructed that all the 
 zealous Christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through 
 a sermon there to any other church in the city — my great- 
 grandfather, I say, when employed to build that famous 
 church, did in the first place send to Delft for a box of 
 long pipes ; then having purchased a new spitting-box 
 and a hundredweight of the best Virginia, he sat himself 
 down, and did nothing for the space of three months 
 but smoke most laboriously. Then did he spend full three 
 months more in trudging on foot, and voyaging in the 
 trekschuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — to Delft — to
 
 72 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 Haerlem — to Leyden — to the Hague, knocking his head 
 and breaking his pipe against every church in his road. 
 Then did he advance gradually nearer and nearer to 
 Rotterdam, until he came in full sight of the identical 
 spot whereon the church was to be built. Then did ho 
 spend three months longer in walking round it and 
 round it ; contemplating it, first from one point of view 
 and then from another — now would he be paddled by it 
 "on the canal— now would he peep at it through a tele- 
 soope, from the other side of the Meuse — and now would he 
 take a bird's-eye glance at it, from the top of one of 
 those gigantic windmills which protect the gates of the 
 city. The good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of 
 expectation and impatience — notwithstanding all the 
 turmoil of my great-grandfather, not a symptom of the 
 church was yet to be seen ; they even began to fear it 
 would never be brought into the world, but that its 
 great projector would lie down and die in labour of the 
 mighty plan he had conceived. At length, having oc- 
 cupied twelve good months in puffing and paddling, and 
 talking and walking — having travelled over all Holland, 
 and even taken a peep into France and Germany — having 
 smoked five hundred and ninety-nine pipes and three 
 hundredweight of the best Virginia tobacco — my great- 
 grandfather gathered together all that knowing and in- 
 dustrious class of citizens who prefer attending to any- 
 body's business sooner than their own, and having pulled 
 olf his coat and five pair of breeches, he advanced sturdily 
 up, and laid the corner-stone of the church, in the pres- 
 ence of the whole multitude — just at the commencement 
 of the thirteenth month. 
 
 In a similar manner, and with the example of my 
 worthy ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in 
 writing this most authentic history. The honest Rottcr- 
 dammers no doubt thought my great-grandfather was 
 doing nothing at all to the purpose, while he was making
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 73 
 
 Such a world of prefatory bustle about the building of 
 his church ; and many of the ingenious inhabitants of 
 this fair city will unquestionably suppose that all the 
 preliminary chapters, with the discovery, population, and 
 final settlement of America, were totally irrelevant and 
 superfluous— and that the main business, the history of 
 Xew York, is not a jot more advanced than if I had never 
 taken up my pen. Never were wise people more mis- 
 taken in their conjectures. In consequence of going- to 
 work slowly and deliberately, the church came out of my 
 grandfather's hands one of the most sumptuous, goodly, 
 and glorious edifices in the known world — excepting 
 that, like our magnificent capitol at "Washington, it was 
 begun on so grand a scale that the good folk could not 
 afford to finish more than the wing of it. So, likewise, I 
 trust, if ever I am able to finish this work on the plan I 
 have commenced (of which, in simple truth, I sometimes 
 have my doubts), it will be found that I have pursued the 
 latest rules of my art, as exemplified in the writings of 
 all the great American historians, and wrought a very 
 large history out of a small subject — which nowadays, 
 is considered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. 
 To proceed, then, with the thread of my story. 
 
 In the ever-memorable year of our Lord, 1609, on 
 a Saturday morning, the five-and-twentieth day of March, 
 old style, did that " worthy and irrecoverable discoverer 
 (as he has justly been called), Master Henry Hudson," set 
 sail from Holland in a stout vessel called the Half 3Ioo?i, 
 being employed by the Dutch East India Company to 
 seek a north-west passage to China. 
 
 Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hendrick) 
 Hudson was a seafaring man of renown, who had learned 
 to smoke tobacco under Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said to 
 have been the first to introduce it into Holland, which 
 gained him much popularity in that country, and caused 
 him to find great favour in the eyes of their High
 
 74< HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 
 
 Mightinesses tlic Lords States General, and also of tlic 
 Honourable West India Company. He was a short, 
 square, brawny old gentleman, with a double chin, a 
 mastiff month, and a broad copper nose, which was sup- 
 posed in those days to have acquired its fiery hue from 
 the constant neighbourhood of his tobacco pipe. 
 
 He wore a true Andrea Ferrara tucked in a leathern 
 belt, and a commodore's cocked hat on one side of his 
 head. He was remarkable for always jerking up his 
 breeches when he gave out his orders, and his voice 
 sounded not unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet, owing 
 to the number of hard north-westers which he had 
 swallowed in the course of his seafaring. 
 
 Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard so 
 much, and know so little ; and I have been thus particu- 
 lar in his description, for the benefit of modern painters 
 and statuaries, that they may represent him as he was ; 
 and not, according to their common custom with modern 
 heroes, make him look like Ca}sar, or Marcus Aurelius, or 
 the Apollo of Belvidere. 
 
 As chief mate and favourite companion, the commodore 
 chose Master Robert Juet, of Limehouse, in England. 
 By some his name has been spelt Chcioit, and ascribed to 
 the circumstance of his having been the first man that 
 ever chewed tobacco ; but this I believe to be a mere 
 flippancy ; more especially as certain of his progeny are 
 living at this day, who write their names Juet. He was 
 an old comrade and early schoolmate of the great Hudson, 
 with whom he had often played truant and sailed chip 
 boats in a neighbouring pond, when they were little 
 boys ; from whence, it is said, the commodore first 
 derived his bias towards a seafaring life. Certain it is 
 that the old people about Limehouse declared Robert 
 Juet to be an unlucky urchin prone to mischief, that 
 would one day or other come to the gallows. 
 
 He grew up as boys of that kind often grow up, a
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 75 
 
 rambling, heedless varlet, tossed about in all quarters of 
 the world, meeting with more perils and wonders than 
 did Sinbad the Sailor, without growing a whit more wise, 
 prudent, or ill-natured. Under every misfortune he com- 
 forted himself with a quid of tobacco, and the truly philo- 
 sophic maxim that " it will be all the same thing a hun- 
 dred years hence." He was skilled in the art of carving 
 anchors and true lovers' knots on the bulk-heads and 
 quarter railings, and was considered a great wit on board 
 ship, in consequence of his playing pranks on everybody 
 around, and now and then even making a wry face at old 
 Hendrick when his back was turned. 
 
 To this universal genius are we indebted for many 
 particulars concerning this voyage, of which he wrote 
 a history, at the request of the commodore, who had an 
 unconquerable aversion to writing himself, from having 
 received so many Hoggings about it when at school. 
 To supply the deficiencies of Master Juet's journal, which 
 is written with true log-book brevity, I have availed 
 myself of divers family traditions, handed down from my 
 great-great-grandfather, who accompanied the expedition 
 in the capacity of cabin-boy. 
 
 From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of 
 remark happened in the voyage ; and it mortifies me ex- 
 ceedingly that I have to admit so noted an expedition 
 into my work without making any more of it. 
 
 Suffice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and tran- 
 quil — the crew, being a patient people, much given to 
 slumber and vacuity, and but little troubled with the 
 disease of thinking — a malady of the mind, which is the 
 sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had laid in abun- 
 dance of gin and sour-krout, and every man was allowed 
 to sleep quietly at his post unless the wind blew. True 
 it is, some slight dissatisfaction was shown on two or three 
 occasions at certain unreasonable conduct of Commodore 
 Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forbore to shorten sail
 
 7G HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 
 
 when the wind was light and the weather serene, which 
 was considered among the most experienced Dutch sea- 
 men as certain iccatlwr-hreeders, or prognostics, that the 
 weather would change for the worse. He acted, moreover, 
 in direct contradiction to that ancient and sage rmle of the 
 Dutch navigators, who alwaj's took in sail at night, put 
 the helm a-port, and turned in ; by which precaution 
 they had a good night's rest, were sure of knowing where 
 they were the next morning, and stood but little chance 
 of running down a continent in the dark. He likewise • 
 prohibited the seamen from wearing more than five 
 jackets and six pair of breeches, under pretence of render- 
 ing them more alert ; and no man was permitted to 
 go aloft and hand in sails with a pipe in his mouth, as 
 is the invariable Dutch custom at the present day. All 
 these grievances, though they might ruffle for a moment 
 the constitutional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, 
 made but transient impression ; thej'' ate hugely, drank 
 profusely, and slept immeasurably ; and being under the 
 especial guidance of Providence, the ship was safely con- 
 ducted to the coast of America ; where, after sundry un- 
 important touchings and standings off and on, she at 
 length, on the fourth day of September, entered that 
 majestic bay which at this day expands its ample bosom 
 before the city of New York, and which had never before 
 been visited by any European.* 
 
 * True it is, and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a certain apo- 
 cryphal book of voyages, compiled by one Hacklnyt, is to be found a 
 letter written to Fiancisthe First, by one Giovanni, or John Verazzani, 
 on wliich some writers are inclined to found a belief that tliis deliglit- 
 ful Imy had been visited nearly a century previous to the voyage of the 
 enterprising Hudson. Now this (albeit it has )net with the counte- 
 nance of certain very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter dis- 
 l)clief, and that for various good and substantial reasons : First, 
 because on strict examination it will be found that tiie description 
 given by this Verazzani applies about as well to the bay of New York 
 as it does to my nightcap. Secondly, because that this John Veraj;zani,
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 77 
 
 It has been traditionary in our family that when the 
 great navigator was first blessed with a view of this 
 enchanting island, he was observed, for the first and only 
 time in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms of astonish- 
 ment and admiration. He is said to have turned to 
 master Juet, and uttered these remarkable words, while 
 he pointed towards this paradise of the new world — 
 '• See ! there ! " — and thereupon, as was always his way 
 w^hen he was uncommonly pleased, he did puff out such 
 clouds of dense tobacco smoke that in one minute the 
 vessel was out of sight of land, and Master Juet was fain 
 to wait until the winds dispersed this impenetrable fog. 
 
 '• It was indeed," as my great-grandfather used to say, 
 though in truth I never heard him, for he died, as might 
 be expected, before I was born — " it was indeed a spot on 
 which the eye might have revelled for ever, in ever new 
 and never-ending beauties." The island of Manna-hata 
 spread wide before them, like some sweet vision of 
 fancy, or some fair creation of industrious magic. 
 Its hills of smiling green swelled gently one above 
 another, crowned with lofty trees of luxuriant growth ; 
 
 for Avhoin I already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native 
 of Florence, and everybody knows tlie crafty -wiles of these losel 
 Florentines, by which they filched away the laurels from the brows of 
 the immortal Colon (vulgarly called Columbus), and bestowed them 
 on their officious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci ; and I make no doubt 
 they are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson of the credit of 
 discovering this beauteous island, adorned by the city of New York, 
 and placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America. And, 
 thirdly, I award my decision in favour of the pretensions of Hendrick 
 Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, being truly 
 and absolutely a Dutch enterprise ; and though all the proofs in the 
 world were introduced on the other side, I would set them at nought 
 as undeserving my attention. If these three reasons be not sufficient 
 to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city, all I can say is they are 
 degenerate descendants fr6m their venerable Dutch ancestors, and 
 totally unworthy the trouble of convincing. Thus, therefore, the title 
 of Hendrick Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated.
 
 78 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 some pointing their tapering foliage towards the clouds 
 which were gloriously transparent, and others loaded 
 with a verdant burden of clambering vines, bowing 
 their branches to the earth that was covered with 
 flowers. On the gentle declivities of the hills were 
 scattered in gay profusion the dog-wood, the sumach, 
 and the wild brier, whose scarlet berries and white 
 blossoms glowed brightly among the deep green of 
 the surrounding foliage ; and here and there a curling 
 column of smoke rising from the little glens that opened 
 along the shore seemed to promise the weary voyagers a 
 welcome at the hands of their fellow-creatures. As they 
 stood gazing Avith entranced attention on the scene 
 before them, a red man, crowned with feathers, issued 
 from one of these glens, and after contemplating in 
 silent wonder the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately 
 swan swimming on a silver lake, sounded the war-whoop, 
 and bounded into the woods like a wild deer, to the utter 
 astonishment of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had 
 never heard such a noise or witnessed such a caper in 
 their whole lives. 
 
 Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages, 
 and how the latter smoked copper pipes and ate dried 
 currants ; how they brought great store of tobacco and 
 oysters ; how they shot one of the ship's crew, and how 
 he was buried, I shall say nothing, being that I consider 
 them unimportant to my history. After tarrying a few 
 days in the bay, in order to refresh themselves after their 
 seafaring, our voyagers weighed anchor, to explore a 
 mighty river which emptied into the bay. This river, 
 it is said, was known among the savages by the name' of 
 the Shatemuck ; though we are assured in an excellent 
 little history published in 1G74, by John Josselyn, gent., 
 that it was called the Mohegan ; * and Master Richard 
 
 * Tliis river is likewise laid clown in Ogilvy's map as Manhattan — 
 Noordt, Montaigne, and Mauritius river.
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 79 
 
 Bloome, wlio wrote some time afterwards, asserts the 
 same — so that I very much incline in favour of the 
 opinion of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it 
 may, up this river did the adventurous Hendrick proceed, 
 little doubting but it would turn out to be the much- 
 looked-for passage to China ! 
 
 The, journal goes on to make mention of divers inter- 
 views between the crew and the natives in the voj'age 
 up the river ; but as they would be impertinent to my 
 history, I shall pass over them in silence, except the 
 following dry joke, played off by the old commodore and 
 his schoolfellow Robert Juet, which does such vast 
 credit to their experimental philosophy that I cannot 
 refrain from inserting it. " Our master and his mate 
 determined to try some of the chiefe men of the countrey 
 whether they had any treacherie in them. So they tooke 
 them downe into the cabin, and gave them so much wine 
 and acqua vitce that they were all merrie ; and one of 
 them had his wife with him, which sate so modestly, as 
 any of our countrey women would do in a strange place. 
 In the end, one of them was drunke, which had been 
 aboarde of our ship all the time that we had been there, 
 and that was strange to them, for they could not tell how 
 to take it.'"* 
 
 Having satisfied himself by this ingenious experiment, 
 that the natives were an honest, social race of jolly 
 roysters, who had no objection to a drinking bout, and 
 were very merry in their cups, the old commodore 
 chuckled hugely to himself, and thrusting a double quid 
 of tobacco in his cheek, directed blaster Juet to have it 
 carefully recorded, for the satisfaction of all the natural 
 philosophers of the University of Leyden— which done, 
 he proceeded on his voyage with great self-complacency. 
 After sailing, however, above a hundred miles up the 
 river, he found the watery world around him began to 
 * Juet's Journ. Purcli. Pil.
 
 80 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 grow more shallow and confined, the current more rapid 
 and perfectlj' fresh — phenomena not nncommon in the 
 ascent of rivers, but which puzzled the honest Dutchman 
 prodigiously. A consultation was therefore called, and 
 having deliberated full six hours, they were brought to 
 a determination by the ship's running aground — where- 
 upon they unanimously concluded that there was but 
 little chance of getting to China in this direction. A 
 boat, however, was despatched to explore higher up the 
 river, which, on its return, confirmed the opinion ; upon 
 this the ship was warped off and put about with great 
 difficulty, being, like most of her sex, exceedingly hard to 
 govern ; and the adventurous Hudson, according to the 
 account of my great-great-grandfather, returned down 
 the river — with a prodigious flea in his ear ! 
 
 Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of getting 
 to China, unless, like the blind man, he returned from 
 whence he set out, and took a fresh start, he forthwith 
 recrossed the sea to Holland, where he was received with 
 great welcome by the Honourable East India Company, 
 who were very much rejoiced to see him come back safe — 
 Avith their ship ; and at a large and respectable meeting 
 of the first merchants and burgomasters of Amsterdam 
 it was unanimously determined that, as a munificent 
 reward for the eminent services he had performed, and 
 the important discovery he had made, the great river 
 Mohegan should be called after his name ; and it con- 
 tinues to be called Hudson River unto this very day.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 81 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 The delectable accounts given by the great Hudson and 
 Master Juet of the country they had discovered excited 
 not a little talk and speculation among the good people 
 of Holland. Letters patent were granted by Government 
 to an association of merchants, called the West India 
 Company, for the exclusive trade on Hudson River, 
 on which they erected a trading-house called Fort 
 Aurania, or Orange, from whence did spring the great 
 city of Albany, But I forbear to dwell on the various 
 commercial and colonising enterprises which took place ; 
 among which was that of Mynheer Adrian Block, who 
 discovered and gave a name to Block Island, since 
 famous for its cheese — and shall barely confine myself to 
 that which gave birth to this renowned city. 
 
 It was some three or four years after the return of the 
 immortal Hendrick that a crew of honest Low Dutch 
 colonists set sail from the city of Amsterdam for the 
 shores of America. It is an irreparable loss to history, 
 and a great proof of the darkness of the age, and the 
 lamentable neglect of the noble art of book-making, 
 since so industriously cultivated by knowing sea-captains 
 and learned supercargoes, that an expedition so interest- 
 ing and important in its results should be passed over in 
 utter silence. To my great-great-grandfather am I again 
 indebted for the few facts I am enabled to give con- 
 cerning it — he having once more embarked for this 
 country, with a full determination, as he said, of ending 
 his days here — and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers 
 that should rise to be great men in the land. 
 
 The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail 
 was called the Goede Yvouic, or good woman, in compli- 
 ment to the wife of the president of the West India 
 Company, who was allowed by everybody (except her
 
 82 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 
 
 husband) to be a sweet-tempered lady — wlien not in 
 liquor. It was in trutli a most gallant vessel, of the 
 most approved Dutch construction, and made by the 
 ablest ship-carpenters of Amsterdam, who, it is well 
 known, always model their ships after the fair forms of 
 their countrywomen. Accordingly it had one hundred 
 feet in the beam, one hundred feet in the keel, and one 
 hundred feet from the bottom of the stern-post to the 
 taffrail. Like the beauteous model, who was declared to 
 be the greatest belle in Amsterdam, it was full in the 
 bows, with a pair of enormous cat-heads, a copper bottom, 
 and withal a most prodigious poop. 
 
 The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man. 
 far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such as 
 Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules (which heathenish 
 abominations, I have no doubt, occasion the misfortunes 
 and shipwreck of many a noble vessel), he I say, on the 
 contrary, did laudably erect for a head, a goodly image of 
 St. Nicholas, equipped with a low, broad-brimmed hat, a 
 huge pair of Flemish trunk hose, and a pipe that reached 
 to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly furnished, 
 the staunch ship floated sideways, like a majestic goose, 
 out of the harbour of the great city of Amsterdam, and 
 all the bells that were not otherwise engaged rung a 
 triple bobmajor on the joyful occasion. 
 
 My great-great-grandfather remarks, that the voyage 
 was uncommonly prosperous, for, being under the 
 especial care of the ever-revered St. Nicholas, the Goedc 
 Vrouw seemed to be endowed with qualities unknown to 
 common vessels. Thus she made as much leeway as 
 headway, could get along very nearly as fast with the 
 wind a head as when it was a-poop, and was particularly 
 great in a calm ; in consequence of which singular 
 advantages she made out to accomplish her voyage in a 
 very few months, and came to anchor at the mouth of the 
 Hudson, a little to the east of Gibbet Island.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 83 
 
 Here lifting up their eyes they beheld, on what is at 
 present called the Jersey shore, a small Indian village, 
 pleasantly embowered in a grove of spreading elms, and 
 the natives all collected on the beach, gazing in stupid 
 admiration at the Goedc Vrouiu. A boat was im- 
 mediately despatched to enter into a treaty with them, 
 and, approaching the shore, hailed them through a 
 trumpet in the most friendly terms ; but so horribly con- 
 founded were these poor savages at the tremendous and 
 uncouth sound of the Low Dutch language that they one 
 and all took to their heels, and scampered over the 
 Bergen Hills ; nor did they stop until they had buried 
 themselves, head and ears, in the marshes on the other 
 side, where they all miserably perished to a man ; and 
 their bones being collected and decently covered by the 
 Tammany Society of that daj^, formed that singular 
 mound called Rattlesnake Hill, which rises out of the 
 centre of the salt marshes a little to the east of the 
 Xewark Causeway. 
 
 Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our valiant 
 heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of the 
 soil as conquerors, in the name of their High Mightinesses 
 the Lords States General ; and marching fearlessly 
 forward, carried the village of Communipaw by storm, 
 notwithstanding that it was vigorously defended by some 
 half a score of old squaws and pappooses. On looking 
 about them they were so transported with the excellences 
 of the place that they had very little doubt the blessed 
 St. Nicholas had guided them thither as the very spot 
 whereon to settle their colony. The softness of the soil 
 was wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles ; the 
 swamps and marshes around them afforded ample 
 opportunities for the constructing of dykes and dams ; 
 the shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favourable to 
 the building of docks ; in a word, this spot abounded 
 with all the requisites for the foundation of a great
 
 84 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 Dutch City. On making a faithful report, therefore, to 
 the crew of the Goede Vrouic, they one and all deter- 
 mined that this was the destined end of their voyage. 
 Accordingly they descended from the Goede Vrouw, men, 
 women, and children, in goodly groups, as did the 
 animals of yore from the ark, and formed themselves into 
 a thriving settlement, which they called by the Indian 
 name Communipaw. 
 
 As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquainted with 
 Communipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat 
 of it in the present work ; but my readers will please to 
 recollect, that notwithstanding it is my chief desire to 
 satisfy the present age, yet I write likewise for posterity, 
 and have to consult the understanding and curiosity of 
 some half a score of centuries yet to come : by which 
 time, perhaps, were it not for this invaluable history, the 
 great Communipaw, like Babylon, Carthage, Nineveh, 
 and other great cities, might be perfectly extinct — sunk 
 and forgotten in its own mud — its inhabitants turned 
 into oysters,* and even its situation a fertile subject of 
 learned controversy and hard-headed investigation among 
 indefatigable historians. Let me, then, piously rescue from 
 oblivion the humble relics of a place which was the egg 
 from whence was hatched the mighty city of New York ! 
 
 Communipaw is at present but a small village, 
 pleasantly situated among rural scenery, on that beauteous 
 part of the Jersey shore which was known in ancient 
 legends by the name of Pavonia,f and commands a grand 
 prospect of the superb bay of Now York. It is within 
 but half an hour's sail of the latter place, provided you 
 have a fair wind, and may be distinctly seen from the 
 city. Nay, it is a well-known fact, which I can testify 
 from my own experience, that on a clear still summer 
 
 * Men by inaction degenerate into oy f tors.— Kaimes. 
 t Pavonia, in tliu ancient maps, in given to a tract of country ex- 
 tending from about Hoboken to Amboy.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 85 
 
 evening you may liear from the loattery of New York 
 the obstreperous peals of broad-mouthed laughter of the 
 Dutch negroes at Communipaw, who, like most other 
 negroes, are famous for their risible powers. This is 
 peculiarly the case on Sunday evenings, when, it is re- 
 marked by an ingenious and observant philosopher, who 
 has made great discoveries in the neighbourhood of this 
 cit}', that they always laugh loudest, which he attributes to 
 the circumstance of their having their holiday clothes on. 
 
 These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the dark ages, 
 engross all the knowledge of the place, and, being in- 
 finitely more adventurous, and more knowing than their 
 masters, carry on all the foreign trade, making frequent 
 voyages to town in canoes loaded with oysters, butter- 
 milk, and cabbages. They are great astrologers, pre- 
 dicting the different changes of weather almost as 
 accurately as an almanac ; they are, moreover, exquisite 
 performers on three-stringed fiddles ; in whistling they 
 almost boast the far-famed powers of Orpheus's lyre, for 
 not a horse or an ox in the place, when at the plough or 
 before the waggon, will budge a foot until he hears the 
 Avell-known whistle of his black driver and companion. 
 And from their amazing skill at casting up accounts upon 
 their fingers they are regarded with as much veneration 
 as were the disciples of Pythagoras of yore when in- 
 itiated into the sacred quaternary of numbers. 
 
 As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like wise 
 men and sound philosophers, they never look beyond their 
 pipes, nor trouble their heads about any affairs out of 
 their immediate neighbourhood ; so that they live in 
 profound and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, 
 anxieties, and revolutions of this distracted planet. I am 
 even told that many among them do verily believe that 
 Holland, of which they have heard so much from 
 tradition, is situated somewhere on Long Island ; that 
 Spiking-devil and the Narrows are the two ends of the
 
 8b HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 "world ; that the country is still under the dominion of 
 their High Mightinesses ; and that the city of New York 
 still goes by the name of Niemv Amsterdam. They meet 
 every Saturday afternoon at the only tavern in the place, 
 which bears as a sign a square-headed likeness of the 
 Prince of Orange, where they smoke a silent pipe by way 
 of promoting social conviviality, and invariably drink a 
 mug of cider to the success of Admiral Van Tromp, whom 
 they imagine is still sweeping the British Channel with a 
 broom at his mast-head. 
 
 Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little 
 villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, 
 which are so many strongholds and fastnesses whither 
 the primitive manners of our Dutch forefathers have 
 retreated, and where they are cherished with devout and 
 scrupulous strictness. The dress of the original settlers 
 is handed down inviolate from father to son — the 
 identical broad-brimmed hat, broad-skirted coat, and 
 broad-bottomed breeches continue from generation to 
 generation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of massy 
 silver are still in wear that made gallant display in the 
 days of the patriarchs of Communipaw. The language 
 likewise continues unadulterated by barbarous innova- 
 tions ; and so critically correct is the village schoolmaster 
 in his dialect that his reading of a Low Dutch psalm has 
 much the same effect on the nerves as the filing of a 
 hand-saw. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 HAYixCr in the trifling digression which concluded the 
 last chapter discharged the filial duty which the city of 
 New York owed to Communipaw, as being the mother 
 settlement ; and having given a faithful picture of it as 
 it stands at present, I return with a soothing sentiment 
 of self-approbation to dwell upon its early history. The
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 87 
 
 crew of t'lie Gorde Vrouio being soon reinforced by fresh 
 importations from Holland, the settlement went jollily 
 on increasing in magnitude and prosperity. The neigh- 
 bouring Indians in a short time became accustomed to 
 the uncouth sound of the Dutch language, and an inter- 
 course gradually took place between them and the new 
 comers. The Indians were much given to long talks, 
 and the Dutch to long silence ; in this particular, there- 
 fore, they accommodated each other completely. The 
 chiefs would make long speeches about the big bull, the 
 wabash, and the Great Spirit, to which the others would 
 listen very attentively, smoke their pipes, and grunt yaJi, 
 inyn-licr ; whereat the poor savages were wondrously 
 delighted. They instructed the new settlers in the best 
 art of curing and smoking tobacco, while the latter in 
 return, made them drunk with true Hollands, and then 
 taught them the art of making bargains. 
 
 A brisk trade for furs was soon opened. The Dutch 
 traders were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and 
 purchased by weight, establishing it as an invariable 
 table of avoirdupois that the hand of a Dutchman 
 weighed one pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true 
 the simple Indians were often puzzled by the great dis- 
 proportion between bulk and weight, for let them place a 
 bundle of furs never so large in one scale, and a Dutch- 
 man put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle was 
 sure to kick the beam ; never was a package of furs 
 known to weigh more than two pounds in the market of 
 Communipaw ! 
 
 This is a singular fact ; but I have it direct from my 
 great-great-grandfather, who had risen to considerable 
 importance in the colony, being promoted to the office of 
 weigh-master, on account of the uncommon heaviness of 
 his foot. 
 
 The Dutch possessions in this part of the gk)be began 
 now to assume a very thriving appearance, and were
 
 »» HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 compreliended under the general title of Nieiiw Neder- 
 landts, on account, as the sage Vander Donck observes, of 
 their great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands, which 
 indeed was truly remarkable, excepting that the former 
 was rugged and mountainous, and the latter level and 
 marshy. About this time the tranquillity of the Dutch 
 colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary interruption. 
 In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under a com- 
 mission from Dale, Governor of Virginia, visited the 
 Dutch settlements on Hudson River, and demanded their 
 submission to the English crown and Virginian dominion. 
 To this arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to 
 resist it, they submitted for the time, like discreet and 
 reasonable men. 
 
 It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested the 
 settlement of Communipaw ; on the contrary, I am told 
 that when his vessel first hove in sight, the worthy 
 burghers were seized with such a panic that they fell to 
 smoking their pipes with astonishing vehemence ; inso- 
 much that they quickly raised a cloud, which, combining 
 with the surrounding woods and marshes, completely en- 
 veloped and concealed their beloved village, and over- 
 hung the fair regions of Pavonia — so that the terrible 
 Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspicious that a 
 sturdy little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the 
 mud, under cover of all this pestilent vapour. In com- 
 memoration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabit- 
 ants have continued to smoke almost without intermis- 
 sion unto this very day, which is said to be the cause of 
 the remarkable fog which often hangs over Communi- 
 paw of a clear afternoon. 
 
 Upon the departure of the enemy our magnanimous 
 ancestors took full six months to recover their wind, 
 having been exceedingly discomposed by the constex-na- 
 tion and hurry of affairs. They then called a council of 
 safety to smoke over the state of the province. At this
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 89 
 
 council presided one OlofFe Van Kortlandt, who had origi- 
 nally been one of a set of peripatetic philosophers who 
 passed much of their time sunning themselves on the 
 side of the great canal of Amsterdam in Holland ; enjoy- 
 ing, like Diogenes, a free and unencumbered estate in 
 sunshine. His name Kortlandt (Shortland or Lackland) 
 was supposed, like that of the illustrious Jean Sansterre, 
 to indicate that he had no land ; but he insisted, on the 
 contrary, that he had great landed estates somewhere in 
 Terra Incognita ; and he had come out to the new world 
 to look after them. 
 
 Like all land speculators, he was much given to dream- 
 ing. Never did anything extraordinary happen at Com- 
 munipaw but he declared that he had previously dreamt 
 it, being one of those infallible prophets who predict 
 events after they have come to pass. This supernatural 
 gift was as highly valued among the burghers of Pavonia 
 as among the enlightened nations of antiquity. The wise 
 Ulysses was more indebted to his sleeping than his waking 
 moments for his most subtle achievements, and seldom 
 undertook any great exploit without first soundly sleeping 
 upon it ; and the same may be said of Oloffe Van Kort- 
 landt, who was thence aptly denominated Oloffe the 
 Dreamer. 
 
 As yet his dreams and speculations had turned to little 
 personal profit ; and he was as much a lack-land as ever. 
 Still he carried a high head in the community : if his 
 sugar-loaf hat was rather the worse for wear, he set it off 
 with a taller cock's tail ; if his shirt was none of the 
 cleanest, he puffed it out the more at the bosom ; and if the 
 tail of it peeped out of a hole in his breeches, it at least 
 proved that it really had a tail and was not a mere ruffle. 
 
 The worthy Van Kortlandt, in the council in question, 
 urged the policy of emerging from the swamps of Com- 
 munipaw and seeking some more eligible site for the 
 seat of empire. Such, he said, was the advice of the good
 
 90 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 St. Nicholas, who had appeared to him in a dream the 
 night before, and whom he had known by his broad hat, 
 his long pipe, and the resemblance which he bore to the 
 figure on the bow of the Goede Vronw. 
 
 Many have thought this dream was a mere invention 
 of Oloflfe Van Kortlandt, who, it is said, had ever re- 
 garded Communipaw with an evil eye, because he had 
 arrived there after all the land had been shared out, and 
 who was anxious to change the seat of empire to some 
 new place, where he might be present at the distribution 
 of " town lots." But we must not give heed to puch in- 
 sinuations, which are too apt to be advanced against 
 those worthy gentlemen engaged in laying out towns 
 and in other land speculations. 
 
 This perilous enterprise was to be conducted by OlofPe 
 himself, who chose as lieutenants, or coadjutors, Myn- 
 heers Abraham Harden Broeck, Jacobus Van Zandt, and 
 Winant Ten Broeck — three indubitably great men, but of 
 whose history, although I have made diligent inquiry, I 
 can learn but little previous to their leaving Holland. 
 Nor need this occasion much surprise ; for adventurers, 
 like prophets, though they make great noise abroad, have 
 seldom much celebrity in their own countries ; but this 
 much is certain that the overflowings and offscourings 
 of a country are invariably composed of the richest parts 
 of the soil. And here I cannot help remarking how con- 
 venient it would be to many of our great men and great 
 families of doubtful origin, could they have the privilege 
 of the heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was 
 involved in obscurity, modestly announced themselves 
 descended from a god, and who never visited a foreign 
 country but what they told some cock-and-bull stories 
 about their being kings and princes at home. This venal 
 trespass on the truth, though it has been occasionally 
 played off by some pseudo marquis, baronet, and other 
 illustrious foreigner, in our land of good-natured credulity,
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 91 
 
 has been completely discountenanced in tMs sceptical, 
 matter-of-fact age ; and I even question whether any- 
 tender virgin, who was accidentally and unaccountably 
 enriched with a bantling, would save her character 
 at parlour firesides and evening tea-parties by ascribing 
 the phenomenon to a swan, a shower of gold, or a river 
 god. 
 
 Had I the benefit of mythology and classic fable above 
 alluded to, I should have furnished the first of the trio 
 with a pedigree equal to that of the proudest hero of anti- 
 quity. His name. Van Zandt — that is to say, from the dirt 
 — gave reasons to suppose that, like Triptolemus, Themis, 
 the Cyclops, and the Titans, he had sprung from Dame 
 Terra or the Earth ! This supposition is strongly corrobo- 
 rated by his size, for it is well known that all the progeny 
 of Mother Earth were of a gigantic stature ; and Van 
 Zandt, we are told, was a tall, raw-boned man, above six 
 feet high, with an astonishingly hard head. Nor is this 
 origin of the illustrious Van Zandt a whit more impro- 
 bable or repugnant to belief than what is related and 
 universally admitted of certain of our greatest, or rather 
 richest, men, who we are told with the utmost gravity 
 did originally spring from a dunghill ! 
 
 Of the second of the trio but faint accounts have 
 reached to this time, which mention that he was a sturdy, 
 obstinate, worrying, bustling little man ; and, from being 
 usually equipped in an old pair of buckskins, was 
 familiarly dubbed Harden Broeck, or Tough Breeches. 
 
 Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is 
 a singular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not scrupu- 
 lous in recording the whole truth, I should almost be 
 tempted to pass over in silence, as incompatible with the 
 gravity and dignity of history, that this worthy gentle- 
 man should likewise have been nicknamed from what in 
 modern times is considered the most ignoble part of the 
 dress. But, in truth, the small-clothes seems to have
 
 92 HISTOKY OF NEW YORE:. 
 
 been a very dignified garment in the eyes of our venerated 
 ancestors, in all probability from its covering that part 
 of the body which has been pronounced " the seat of 
 honour." 
 
 The name of Ten Broeck, or, as it was sometimes spelt, 
 Tin Broeck, has been indifferently translated into Ten 
 Breeches and Tin Breeches, The most elegant and in- 
 genious writers on the subject declare in favour of Tin, 
 or rather Thin, Breeches ; whence they infer that the 
 original bearer of it was a poor but merry rogue, whose 
 galligaskins were none of the soundest, and who, peradven- 
 ture, may have been the author of that truly philosophical 
 stanza : — 
 
 " Then why slioulcl we quarrel for riches, 
 Or any such glittering toys? 
 A li^ht heart and thin pair of breeches 
 Will go through the world, my brave boys I " 
 
 Th3 High Dutch commentators, however, declare in 
 favour of the other reading, and affirm that the worthy 
 in question was a burly, bulbous man, who, in sheer os- 
 tentation of his venerable progenitors, was the first to 
 introduce into the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion 
 of ten pair of breeches. 
 
 Such was the trio of coadjutors chosen by OlofCe the 
 Dreamer to accompany him in this voyage into unknown 
 realms ; as to the names of his crews they have not been 
 handed down by history. 
 
 Having, as I before observed, passed much of his life in 
 the open air, among the peripatetic philosophers of 
 Amsterdam, Ololfe had become familiar with the aspect 
 of the heavens, and could as accurately determine when a 
 storm was brewing or a squall rising as a dutiful hus- 
 band can foresee, from the brow of his spouse, when a 
 tempest is gathering about his ears. Having pitched 
 upon a time for his voyage, when the skies appeared pro- 
 pitious, he exhorted all his crews to take a good night's
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YOEK. 93 
 
 rest, wind up their family affairs, and make their wills ; 
 precautions taken by our forefathers, even in after times 
 Avhen they became more adventurous, and voyaged to 
 Haverstraw, or Kaatskill, or Groodt Esopus, or any other 
 far country, beyond the great waters of the Tappan Zee. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 And now the rosy blush of morn began to mantle in the 
 east, and soon the rising sun, emerging from amidst 
 golden and purple clouds, shed his blithesome rays on the 
 tin weathercocks of Communipaw. It was that delicious 
 season of the year when Nature, breaking from the 
 chilling thraldom of old winter, like a blooming damsel 
 from the tyranny of a sordid old father, threw herself, 
 blushing with ten thousand charms, into the a.rms of 
 youthful Spring. Every tufted copse and blooming 
 grove resounded with the notes of hymeneal love. The 
 very insects, as they sipped the dew that gemmed the 
 tender grass of the meadows, joined in the joyous epitha- 
 lamium — the virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes, 
 "the voice of the turtle was heard in the land," and the 
 heart of man dissolved away in tenderness. Oh, sweet 
 Theocritus ! had I thine oaten reed, wherewith thou erst 
 did charm the gay Sicilian plains ; or, oh, gentle Bion \ 
 thy pastoral pipe wherein the happy swains of the 
 Lesbian isle so much delighted, then might I attempt to 
 sing, in soft Bucolic or negligent Idyllium, the rural 
 beauties of the scene ; but having nothing, save this 
 jaded goose-quill, wherewith to wing my flight, I must 
 fain resign all poetic disportings of the fancy, and pursue 
 my narrative in humble prose ; comforting myself with 
 the hope, that though it may not steal so sweetly upon 
 the imagination of my reader, yet it may commend itself, 
 with virgin modesty, to his better judgment, clothed in 
 the chaste and simple garb of truth.
 
 94 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus dart 
 into the windows of Communipaw than the little settle- 
 ment was all in motion. Forth issued from his castle the 
 sage Van Kortlandt, and seizing a conch shell, blew a far- 
 resounding blast, that soon summoned all his lusty fol- 
 lowers. Then did they trudge resolutely down to the water 
 side, escorted by a multitude of relatives and friends, who 
 all went down, as the common phrase expresses it, " to see 
 them off." And this shows the antiquity of those long 
 family processions, often seen in our city, composed of all 
 ages, sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and bandboxes, 
 escorting some bevy of country cousins about to depart 
 for home in a market-boat. 
 
 The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squadron of 
 three canoes, and hoisted his flag on board a little round 
 Dutch boat, shaped not unlike a tub, which had formerly 
 been the jolly-boat of the Goede Vroiiio. And now, all 
 being embarked, they bade farewell to the gazing throng 
 upon the beach, who continued shouting after them, even 
 when out of hearing, wishing them a happy voj'age, ad- 
 vising them to take good care of themselves, not to get 
 drowned — with an abundance of other of those sage and 
 invaluable cautions generally given by landsmen to such 
 as go down to the sea in ships, and adventure upon the 
 deep waters. In the meanwhile the voyagers cheerily 
 urged their course across the crystal bosom of the bay, 
 and soon left behind them the green shores of ancient 
 Pavonia. 
 
 And first they touched at two small islands which lie 
 nearly opposite Communipaw, and which are said to have 
 been brought into existence about the time of the great 
 irruption of the Hudson, when it broke through the 
 Highlands and made its way to the ocean.* For, in this 
 
 ■* It is ci matter long since established by certain of our philosophers, 
 that is to say, having been often advanced and never contrailii-ted, it 
 has grown to be pretty nigh equal to a settled fact, that the Hudson
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 95 
 
 tremendous uproar of the waters we are told that many 
 huge fragments of rock and land were rent from the 
 mountains and swept down by this runaway river, for 
 sixty or seventy miles ; where some of them ran aground 
 on the shoals just opposite Communipaw, and formed the 
 identical islands in question, while others drifted out to 
 sea, and were never heard of more. A suflEicient proof of 
 the fact is, that the rock which forms the bases of these 
 islands is exactly similar to that of the Highlands ; and 
 moreover, one of our philosophers, who has diligently 
 compared the agreement of their respective surfaces, has 
 even gone so far as to assure me, in confidence, that Gib- 
 bet Island was originally nothing more nor less than a 
 wart on Anthony's nose.* 
 
 Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next coasted 
 by Governor's Island, since terrible from its frowning 
 fortress and grinning batteries. They would by no 
 means, however, land upon this island, since they doubted 
 much it might be the abode of demons and spirits, which 
 in those days did greatly abound throughout this savage 
 and pagan country. 
 
 Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came rolling 
 and tumbling by, turning up their sleek sides to the sun, 
 and spouting up the briny element in sparkling showers. 
 Xo sooner did the sage Oloffe mark this than he was 
 greatly rejoiced. "This," exclaimed he, "if I mistake 
 not, augurs well — the porpoise is a fat, well-conditioned 
 fish — a burgomaster among fishes — his looks betoken 
 
 was originally a lake dammed up by the mountains of the Highlands. 
 In process of time, however, becoming very mighty and obstreperous, 
 and the mountains waxing purs}', dropsical, and weaic in the back, by 
 reason of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, and after 
 a violent struggle effected its escape. This is said to have come to 
 pass in very remote time, probably before that rivers had lost the art 
 of running up hill. The foregoing is a theory in which I do not pre- 
 tend to be skilled, notwithstanding that I do fully give it my belief. 
 * A promontory in the Highlands.
 
 96 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 
 
 ease, plenty, and prosperity. I greatly admire this round 
 fat fish, and doubt not but this is a happy omen of the 
 success of our undertaking." So saying, he directed his 
 squadron to steer in the track of these alderman fishes. 
 
 Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they swept up 
 the strait, vulgarly called the East Kiver. And here the 
 rapid tide which courses through this strait, seizing on 
 the gallant tub in which Commodore Van Kortlandt had 
 embarked, hurried it forward with a velocity unparalleled 
 in a Dutch boat, navigated by Dutchmen ; insomuch that 
 the good commodore, who had all his life long been 
 accustomed only to the drowsy navigation of canals, was 
 more than ever convinced that they were in the hands of 
 some supernatural power, and that the jolly porpoises 
 were towing them to some fair haven that was to fulfil 
 all their wishes and expectations. 
 
 Thus borne away by the resistless current, they doubled 
 that boisterous point of land since called Corlear's Hook,* 
 and leaving to the right the rich winding cove of the 
 Wallabout, they drifted into a magnificent expanse of 
 water, surrounded by pleasant shores, whose verdure 
 was exceedingly refreshing to the eye. While the 
 voyagers were looking around them, on what they con- 
 ceived to be a serene and sunny lake, they beheld at a 
 distance a crew of painted savages busily employed in 
 fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this romantic 
 region— their slender canoe lightly balanced like a 
 feather on the undulating surface of the bay. 
 
 At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of Com- 
 munipaw were not a little troubled. But as good 
 fortune would have it, at the bow of the commodore's 
 boat was stationed a very valiant man, named Hendrick 
 Kip (which, being interpreted, means chicken, a name 
 given him in token of his courage). No sooner did he 
 behold these varlet heathens, than he trembled with 
 * Properly spelt Hocclc (i.e. a point of land).
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 97 
 
 excessive valour, and although a good half mile distant, 
 he seized a musketoon that lay at hand, and turning 
 away his head, fired it most intrepidly in the face of the 
 blessed sun. The blundering weapon recoiled, and gave 
 the valiant Kip an ignominious kick, which laid him 
 prostrate with uplifted heels in the bottom of the boat. 
 But such was the effect of this tremendous fire, that the 
 wild men of the woods, struck with consternation, 
 j^eized hastily upon their paddles, and shot away into 
 one of the deep inlets of the Long Island shore. 
 
 This signal victory gave new spirits to the voj'agers, 
 and in honour of the achievement they gave the name of 
 the valiant Kip to the surrounding bay, and it has 
 continued to be called Kip's Bay from that time to the 
 present. The heart of the good Van Kortlandt — who, 
 having no land of his own, was a great admirer of other 
 people's — expanded to the full size of a peppercorn at 
 the sumptuous prospect of rich unsettled country around 
 him, and falling into a delicious reverie, he straightway 
 began to riot in the possession of vast meadows of salt 
 marsh and interminable patches of cabbages. From this 
 delectable vision he was all at once awakened by the sudden 
 turning of the tide, w^hich would soon have hurried him 
 from this land of promise, had not the discreet navigator 
 given signal to steer for shore ; where they accordingly 
 landed hard by the rocky heights of Belleviie — that 
 happy retreat w^here our jolly aldermen eat for the good 
 of the city, and fatten the turtle that are sacrificed on 
 civic solemnities. 
 
 Here, seated on the green-sward, by the side of a small 
 stream that ran sparkling among the grass, they re- 
 freshed themselves after the toils of the seas by feasting 
 lustily on the ample stores which they had provided for 
 this perilous voyage. Thus having well fortified their 
 deliberative powers, they fell into an earnest consulta- 
 tion what was further to be done. This was the first 
 D-77
 
 98 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 council dinner ever eaten at Bellevuc by Christian 
 burghers : and here, as tradition rekites, did originate 
 the great family feud between the Hardenbroecks and 
 the Tenbroecks, which afterwards had a singular in- 
 fluence on the building of the city. The sturdy Harden 
 Broeck, whose eyes had been wondrously delighted with 
 the salt marshes which spread their reeking bosoms 
 along the coast, at the bottom of Kip's Bay, counselled 
 by all means to return thither, and found the intended 
 city. This was strenuously opposed by the imbending 
 Ten Broeck, and many testy arguments passed between 
 them. The particulars of this controversy have not 
 reached us, which is ever to be lamented ; this much is 
 certain, that the sage Oloffe put an end to the dispute, 
 by determining to explore still farther in the route 
 which the mysterious porpoises had so clearly pointed 
 out ; whereupon the sturdy Tough Breeches abandoned 
 the expedition, took possession of a neighbouring hill, 
 and in a fit of great wrath peopled all that tract of 
 country, which has continued to be inhabited by the 
 Hardenbroecks unto this very day. 
 
 By this time the jolly Phoobus, like some Avanton 
 urchin sporting on the side of a green hill, began to roll 
 down the declivity of the heavens ; and now, the tide 
 having once more turned in their favour, the Pavonians 
 again committed themselves to its discretion, and coast- 
 ing along the western shores, were borne towards the 
 straits of Blackwell's Island. 
 
 And here the capricious wanderings of the current 
 occasioned not a little marvel and perplexity to these 
 illustrious mariners. Now would they be caught by the 
 wanton eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting point, 
 would wind deep into some romantic little cove, that 
 indented the fair island of Manna-hata ; now were they 
 hurried narrowly by the very bases of impending rocks, 
 mantled with the flaunting grape-vine, and crowned with
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 09 
 
 groves, which threw a broad shade on the waves beneath ; 
 and anon they were borne away into the mid-channel and 
 wafted along with a rapidity that very much discomposed 
 the sage Van Kortlandt, who, as he saw the land swiftly 
 receding on either side, began exceedingly to doubt that 
 terra firma was giving them the slip. 
 
 Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes a new creation 
 seemed to bloom around. No signs of human thrift 
 appeared to check the delicious wildness of Xature, who 
 here revelled in all her luxuriant variety. Those hills, 
 now bristled, like the fretful porcupine, with rows of 
 poplars (vain upstart plants ! minions of v/ealth and 
 fashion !), were then adorned with the vigorous natives 
 of the soil — the lordly oak, the generous chestnut, the 
 graceful elm — while here and there the tulip-tree reared 
 its majestic head, the giant of the forest. Where now 
 are seen the gay retreats of luxury — "s-illas half buried in 
 twilight bowers, whence the amorous flute oft breathes 
 the sighings of some city swain — there the fish-hawk 
 built his solitary nest, on some dry tree that overlooked 
 his watery domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed 
 along those shores now hallowed by the lover's moonlight 
 walk, and printed by the slender foot of beauty ; and a 
 savage solitude extended over those happy regions, 
 where now are reared the stately towers of the Joneses, 
 the Schermerhornes, and the Rhinelanders. 
 
 Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new and 
 unknown scenes, the gallant squadron of Pavonia swept 
 by the foot of a promontory, which strutted forth boldly 
 into the waves, and seemed to frown upon them as they 
 brawled against its base. This is the bluff well known 
 to modern mariners by the name of Grade's Point, from 
 the fair castle which, like an elephant, it carries upon its 
 back. And here broke upon their view a wild and 
 varied prospect, where land and water were beauteously 
 intermingled, as though they had combined to heighten
 
 100 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 and set off each other's charms. To their right lay th» 
 sedgy point of Blackwell's Island, dressed in the fresh 
 garniture of living green ; beyond it stretched the 
 pleasant coast of Sundswick, and the small harbour well 
 known by the name of Hallet's Cove — a place infamous 
 in latter days, by reason of its being the haunt of pirates 
 who infest these seas, robbing orchards and water-melon 
 patches, and insulting gentlemen navigators when 
 voyaging in their pleasure boats. To the left a deep 
 bay, or rather creek, gracefully receded between shores 
 fringed with forests, and forming a kind of vista, 
 through which were beheld the sylvan regions of Haer- 
 lem, Morrissania, and East Chester. Here the eye reposed 
 with delight on a richly wooded country, diversified by 
 tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and waving lines of 
 upland, swelling above each other ; while over the 
 whole the purple mists of spring diffused a hue of soft 
 voluptuousness. 
 
 Just before them the grand course of the stream, 
 making a sudden bend, wound among embowered pro- 
 montories and shores of emerald verdure that seemed to 
 melt into the wave. A character of gentleness and mild 
 fertility prevailed around. The sun had just descended, 
 and the thin haze of twilight, like a transparent veil 
 drawn over the bosom of virgin beauty, heightened the 
 charms which it half concealed. 
 
 Ah ! witching scenes of foul delusion ! Ah ! hapless 
 voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on these Circean 
 shores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor easy souls, who listen 
 to the seductions of a wicked world ; treacherous are its 
 smiles, fatal its caresses ! He who yields to its entice- 
 ments launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his 
 feeble bark among the dimpling eddies of a whirlpool ! 
 And thus it fared with the worthies of Pavonia, who, 
 little mistrusting the guileful scene before them, drifted 
 quietly on, until they were aroused by an unconmion
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 101 
 
 tossing and agitation of their vessels. For now the late 
 dimpling current began to brawl around them, and the 
 waves to boil and foam with horrific fury. Awakened 
 as if from a dream, the astonished Oloffe bawled aloud 
 to put about, but his words were lost amid the roaring 
 of the waters. And now ensued a scene of direful con- 
 sternation. At one time they were borne with dreadful 
 velocity among tumultuous breakers ; at another, hurried 
 down boisterous rapids. Now they were nearly dashed 
 upon the Hen and Chickens (infamous rocks ! more 
 voracious than Scylla and her whelps) ; and anon they 
 seemed sinking into yawning gulfs, that threatened to 
 entomb them beneath the waves. All the elements 
 combined to produce a hideous confusion. The M'aters 
 raged — the winds howled — and as they were hurried 
 along several of the astonished mariners beheld the 
 rocks and trees of the neighbouring shores driving 
 through the air ! 
 
 At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van Kort- 
 landt was drawn into the vortex of that tremendous 
 whirlpool called the Pot, where it was whirled about in 
 giddy mazes, until the senses of the good commander and 
 his crew were overpowered by the horror of the scene,, 
 and the strangeness of the revolution. 
 
 How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was snatched 
 from the jaws of this modern Charybdis has never been 
 truly made known, for so many survived to tell the tale,, 
 and, what is still more wonderful, told it in so many 
 different ways, that there has ever prevailed a great 
 variety of opinions on the subject. 
 
 As to the commodore and his crew, when they came to 
 their senses they found themselves stranded on the Long 
 Island shore. The worthy commodore, indeed, used to 
 relate many and wonderful stories of his adventures in 
 this time of peril ; how that he saw spectres flying in the 
 air, and heard the yelling of hobgoblins, and put his
 
 102 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 hand into the pot when they were whirled round, and 
 found the water scalding hot, and beheld several uncouth- 
 looking beings seated on rocks and skimming it with 
 huge ladles ; but particularly he declared with great 
 exultation, that he saw the losel porpoises, which had 
 betraj'^ed them into this peril, some broiling on the 
 Gridiron, and others hissing on the Frying-pan ! 
 
 These, however, were considered by many as mere 
 phantasies of the commodore, while he lay in a trance, 
 especially as he was known to be given to dreaming ; and 
 the truth of them has never been clearly ascertained. It 
 is certain, however, that to the accounts of Oloffe and his 
 followers may be traced the various traditions handed 
 down of this marvellous strait — as how the devil has been 
 seen there, sitting astride of the Hog's Back and playing 
 on the fiddle — how he broils fish there before a storm ; 
 and many other stories, in which we must be cautious of 
 putting too much faith. In consequence of all these 
 terrific circumstances, the Pavonian commander gave this 
 pass the name of Helle-gat, or, as it has been interpreted, 
 Hell-gate * ; which it continues to bear at the present 
 day. 
 
 * This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the distance of six miles 
 above New York. It is dangerous to shipping, unless under the care 
 of skilful pilots, by reason of numerous rocks, shelves, and whirl- 
 jiools. These have received sundry appellations, such as the Gridiron, 
 Frying-pan, Hog's Back, Pot, &c., and are very violent and turbulent 
 at certain times of tide. Certain mealy-mouthed men, of squeamish 
 consciences, who are loth to give the devil his due, have softened the 
 above characteristic name into Hui-1-gate, forsooth ! Let those take 
 care how they venture into the Gate, or they may be hurled into the 
 Pot before they are aAvare of it. The name of this strait, as given by 
 our author, is supported by the map in Vauder Donck's history, pub- 
 lished in 1650— by Ogilvie's History of America, 1071— as also by a 
 journal still extant, written in the 10th century, and to be found in 
 Hazard's State Papers. And an old MS. written in French, speaking of 
 various alterations in names about this city, observes, "De Helle- 
 gat, trou d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell-gate, porte d'Enfer."
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 103r 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 The darkness of niglit had closed upon this disastrous 
 day, and a doleful night was it to the shipwrecked Pavo- 
 nians, whose ears were incessantly assailed with the 
 raging- of the elements, and the howling of the hob- 
 goblins that infested this perfidious strait. But when 
 the morning dawned the horrors of the preceding even- 
 ing had passed away, rapids, breakers, and whirlpools 
 had disappeared, the stream again ran smooth and dim- 
 pling, and having changed its tide, rolled gently back 
 towards the quarter where lay their much-regretted 
 home. 
 
 The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each other 
 with rueful countenances ; their squadron had been to- 
 tally dispersed by the late disaster. Some were cast upon 
 the western shore, where, headed by one Ruleff Hopper^ 
 they took possession of all the country lying about the 
 six-mile-stone, which is held by the Hoppers at this 
 present writing. 
 
 The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather to a 
 distant coast, where, having with them a jug of genuine 
 Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate the savages, 
 setting up a kind of tavern ; whence, it is said, did spring 
 the fair town of Haerlem, in which their descendants 
 have ever since continued to be reputable publicans. As 
 to the Suydams, they were thrown upon the Long Island 
 coast, and may still be found in those parts. But the 
 most singular luck attended the great Ten Broeck. who, 
 falling overboard, w^as miraculously preserved from sink- 
 ing by the multitude of his nether garments. Thus buoyed 
 up, he floated on the waves like a merman, or like an 
 angler's dobber, until he landed safely on a rock, where 
 he was found the next morning busily drying his many 
 bresches in the sunshine. 
 
 I forbear to treat of the long consultation of Oloffe
 
 104 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 with his remaining- followers, in which they determined 
 that it would never do to found a city in so diabolical a 
 neighbourhood. Suffice it in simple brevity to say, that 
 Ihey once more committed themselves, with fear and 
 trembling, to the briny element, and steered their course 
 back again through the scenes of their 3'-esterday's voyage, 
 determined no longer to roam in search of distant sites, 
 but to settle themselves down in the marshy regions of 
 Pavonia. 
 
 Scarce, however, had they gained a distant view of 
 Communipaw, when they were encountered by an obsti- 
 nate eddy, which opposed their homeward voj'age. 
 Weary and dispirited as they were, they yet tugged a feeble 
 oar against the stream ; until, as if to settle the strife, 
 half a score of potent billows rolled the tub of Commo- 
 dore Van Kortlandt high and dry on the long point of an 
 island which divided the bosom of the bay. 
 
 Some pretend that these billows were sent by old Xep- 
 i,une to strand the expedition on a spot whereon was to 
 be founded his stronghold in this western world ; others, 
 more pious, attribute everything to the guardianship of 
 the good St. Nicholas ; and after events will be found to 
 corroborate this opinion. Oloffe Van Kortlandt was a 
 devout trencherman. Every repast was a kind of religious 
 rite with him ; and his first thought on finding him once 
 more on dry ground was how he should contrive to cele- 
 brate his wonderful escape from Hell-gate and all its 
 horrors by a solemn banquet. The stores which had been 
 provided for the voyage by the good housewives of Com- 
 munipaw were nearly exhausted ; but in casting his 
 eyes about the commodore beheld that the shore abounded 
 with oysters. A great store of these was instantly col- 
 lected ; a fire was made at the foot of a tree ; all hands 
 fell to roasting, and broiling, and stewing, and frying, 
 ^nd a sumptuous repast was soon set forth. This is 
 thought to be the origin of those civic feasts with which
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 105- 
 
 to the present day, all our public affairs are celebrated, 
 and in wliich the oyster is ever sure to play an important 
 part. 
 
 On the present occasion the worthy Van Kortlandt was 
 observed to be particularly zealous in his devotions to the 
 trencher ; for having' the cares of the expedition espe- 
 cially committed to his care he deemed it incumbent on 
 him to eat profoimdly for the public good. In propor- 
 tion as he filled himself to the very brim with the dainty 
 viands before him did the heart of this excellent burgher 
 rise up towards his throat, until he seemed crammed and 
 almost choked with good eating and good nature. And' 
 at such times it is, when a man's heart is in his throat, 
 that he may more truly be said to speak from it, and his 
 speeches abound with kindness and good fellowship. 
 Thus, having swallowed the last possible morsel, and 
 washed it down with a fervent potation, Oloffe felt his 
 heart yearning, and his whole frame in a manner dilating 
 with unbounded benevolence. Everything around him 
 seemed excellent and delightful ; and laying his hands 
 on each side of his capacious periphery, and rolling his 
 half -closed eyes around on the beautiful diversity of land 
 and water before him, he exclaimed, in a fat, half- 
 smothered voice, " What a charming prospect ! " The 
 words died away in his throat — he seemed to ponder on 
 the fair scene for a moment — his eyelids heavily closed 
 over their orbs — his head drooped upon his bosom — he 
 slowly sank upon the green turf, and a deep sleep stole 
 gradually over him. 
 
 And the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream— and, lo ! the 
 good St. Nicholas came riding over the tops of the trees, 
 in that self -same waggon wherein he brings his yearlv 
 presents to children, and he descended hard by where the 
 heroes of Communipaw had made their late repast. And 
 he lit his pipe by the fire, and sat himself down and 
 smoked; and as he smoked the smoke from his pipe
 
 106 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 ascended into the air. and spread like a cloud overhead. 
 And Oloffe bethought him. and he hastened and climbed 
 up to the top of one of the tallest trees, and saw that the 
 smoke spread over a great extent of country — and as he 
 considered it more attentively he fancied that the great 
 volume of smoke assumed a variety of marvellous forms, 
 where in dim obscurity he saw shadowed out palaces and 
 domes and lofty spires, all of which lasted but a moment, 
 and then faded away, until the whole rolled off, and 
 nothing but the green woods were left. And when St 
 Nicholas had smoked his pipe he twisted it in his hat- 
 band, and laying his finger beside his nose, gave the 
 astonished Van Kortlandt a very significant look, then 
 mounting his waggon, he returned over the tree-tops and 
 disappeared. 
 
 And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly in- 
 structed, and he aroused his companions, and related to 
 them his dream, and interpreted it that it was the will of 
 St. Nicholas that they should settle down and build the 
 city here ; and that the smoke of the pipe was a type how 
 vast would be the extent of the city, inasmuch as the 
 volumes of its smoke would spread over a wide extent of 
 country. And they all with one voice assented to this 
 interpretation excepting Mynheoo- Ten Broeck, who de- 
 clared the meaning to be that it would be a city wherein 
 a little fire would occasion a great smoke, or, in other 
 words, a very vapouring little city — l3oth which inter- 
 pretations have strangely come to pass ! 
 
 The great object of their perilous expedition, therefore, 
 being thus happily accomplished, the voyagers returned 
 merrily to Communipaw, where thsy were received with 
 great rejoicings. And here calling a general meeting of 
 all the wise men and the dignitaries of Pavonia, they re- 
 lated the whole history of their voyage, and of the dream 
 of Oloffe Van Kortlandt. And the people lifted up their 
 voices and Ijlcssed the good St. Nicholas, and from that
 
 HISTOSY OF NEW YORK. 107 
 
 time forth the sage Van Kortlandt was held in more- 
 honour than ever, for his great talent at dreaming, and 
 was pronounced a most useful citizen, and a right good 
 man — when he was asleep. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 The original name of the island whereon the squadron 
 of Communipaw was thus propitiously thrown is a matter 
 of some dispute, and has already undergone considerable 
 vitiation — a melancholy proof of the instability of all 
 sublunary things, and the vanity of all our hopes of 
 lasting fame ; for who can expect his name will live to 
 posterity, when even the names of mighty islands are thus- 
 soon lost in contradiction and uncertainty ! 
 
 The name most current at the present day, and which 
 is likewise countenanced by the great historian Vander 
 Donck, is Manhattan, which is said to have originated in 
 a custom among the squaws, in the early settlement, of 
 wearing men's hats, as is still done among many tribes. 
 '•Hence," as we are told by an old governor, who was 
 somewhat of a wag, and flourished almost a century since, 
 and had paid a visit to the wits of Philadelphia, " hence 
 arose the appellation of man-hat-on, first given to the 
 Indians, and afterwards to the island" — a stupid joke I — 
 but well enough for a governor. 
 
 Among the more venerable sources of information on 
 this subject is that valuable history of the American pos- 
 sessions, written by Master Richard Blome, in 1(387, 
 wherein it is called Manhadaes and Manahanent ; nor 
 must I forget the excellent little book, full of precious 
 matter, of that authentic historian, John Josselyn, gent.,. 
 who expressly calls it Manadaes. 
 
 Another etymology still more ancient, and sanctioned 
 by the countenance of our ever to be lamented Dutch
 
 108 HISTORY OF NEW YOKK. 
 
 ancestors, is that found in certain lettei'S, still extant,* 
 which passed between the early governors and their 
 neighbouring powers, wherein it is called indifferently 
 Monhattoes, Munhatos, and Manhattoes, which are evi- 
 dently unimportant variations of the same name ; for 
 our v/ise forefathers set little store by those niceties, 
 either in orthography or orthoepy, which form the sole 
 study and ambition of many learned men and women 
 of this hypercritical age. This last name is said to be 
 derived from the great Indian spirit Manetho, who was 
 supposed to make this island his favourite abode, on 
 account of its uncommon delights. For the Indian tra- 
 ditions affirm that the bay was once a translucid lake, 
 filled with silver and golden fish, in the midst of which 
 lay this beautiful island, covered with every variety of 
 fruits and flowers, but that the sudden irruption of the 
 Hudson laid waste these blissful scenes, and Manetho 
 took his flight beyond the great waters of Ontario. 
 
 These, however, are very fabulous legends, to which 
 very cautious credence must be given ; and though I am 
 willing to admit the last quoted orthograjahy of the name 
 as very fit for prose, yet is there another which I pecu- 
 liarly delight in, as at once poetical, melodious, and sig- 
 nificant — and which we have on the authority of Master 
 Juet, who, in his account of the voyage of the great 
 Hudson, calls this Manna-hata — that is to say, the island 
 of manna — or. in other words, a land flowing with milk 
 and honey. 
 
 Still my deference to the learned obliges me to notice 
 the opinion of the worthy Dominie Heckwelder, which 
 ascribes the name to a great drunken bout, held on the 
 island by the Dutch discoverers, whereat they made cer- 
 tain of the natives most ecstatically drunk for the first 
 time in their lives ; who, being delighted with their jovial 
 imtertainment, gave the place the name of Mannahatta- 
 * Vide Hazard's Col. Stat. Pap.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 109 
 
 nink — that is to say, tlie Island of Jolly Topers — a name 
 wWch it continues to merit to the present day.* 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 It having been solemnly resolved that the seat of empire 
 should be removed from the green shores of Pavonia to 
 the pleasant island of Manna-hata. everybody was anxious 
 to embark under the standard of Oloffe the Dreamer, and 
 to be among the first sharers of the promised land. A 
 day was appointed for the grand migration, and on that 
 day little Communipaw was in a buzz and a bustle like a 
 hive in swarming time. Houses were turned inside out, 
 and stripped of the venerable furniture which had come 
 from Holland ; all the community, great and small, black 
 and white, man, woman, and child, was in commotion, 
 forming lines from the houses to the water side, like lines 
 of ants from an ant-hill ; everybody laden with some 
 article of household furniture ; while busy housewives 
 plied backwards and forwards along the lines, helping 
 everything forward by the nimbleness of their tongues. 
 
 By degrees a fleet of boats and canoes were piled up 
 with all kinds of household articles ; ponderous tables : 
 chests of drawers, resplendent with brass ornaments ; 
 quaint corner cupboards ; beds and bedsteads ; with any 
 quantity of pots, kettles, frying-pans, and Dutch ovens. 
 In each boat embarked a whole family, from the robus- 
 tious burgher down to the cats and dogs and little 
 negroes. In this way they set off across the mouth of 
 the Hudson, under the guidance of Oloffe the Dreamer, 
 who hoisted his standard on the leading boat. 
 
 This memorable migration took place on the first of 
 May, and was long cited in tradition as the grand moving. 
 The anniversary of it was piously observed among the 
 
 * MSS. of the Rev. John Heck welder, in the arcliivcs of the New- 
 York Historical Society.
 
 110 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 '• sons of the pilgrims of Communipaw," by turning tlieir 
 houses topsy-turvy, and carrying all the furniture through 
 the streets, in emblem of the swarming of the parent 
 hive ; and this is the real origin of the universal agitation 
 and " moving "' by which this most restless of cities is 
 literally turned out of doors on every May-day. 
 
 As the little squadron from Communipaw drew near 
 to the shores of Manna-hata, a sachem, at the head of a 
 band of warriors, appeared to oppose their landing. Some 
 of the most zealous of the pilgrims were for chastising 
 this insolence with powder and ball, according to the 
 approved mode of discoverers ; but the sage Oloffe gave 
 them the significant sign of St. Nicholas, laying his 
 finger beside his nose and winking hard with one eye ; 
 whereupon his followers perceived that there was some- 
 thing sagacious in the wind. He now addressed the 
 Indians in the blandest terms, and made such tempting 
 display of beads, hawk's bells, and red blankets, that he 
 was soon permitted to land, and a great land speculation 
 ensued. And here let me give the true story of the 
 original purchase of the s^'te of this renowned city, about 
 which so much has been said and written. Some affirm 
 that the first cost was but sixty guilders. The learned 
 Dominie Heckwelder records a tradition * that the Dutch 
 discoverers bargained for only so much land as the hide 
 of a bullock would cover ; but that they cut the hide in 
 strips no thicker than a child's finger, so as to take in a 
 large portion of land, and to take in the Ii;dians into the 
 bargain. This, however, is an old fable which the worthy 
 Dominie may have borrowed from antiquity. The true 
 version is, that Oloffe Van Kortlandt bargained for just 
 so much land as a man could cover with his nether gar- 
 ments. The terms being concluded, he produced his 
 friend Mynheer Ten Broeck, as the man whose breeches 
 were to be used in measurement. The simple savages, 
 * .MSS. of tlio Rev. John Heckwelder : New York Historical Sucioty.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. Ill 
 
 whofse ideas of a man's nether garments had never ex- 
 panded beyond the dimensions of a breech clout, stared 
 with astonishment and dismay as they beheld this bulbous- 
 bottomed burgher peeled like an onion, and breeches after 
 breeches spread forth over the land until they covered 
 the actual site of this venerable city. 
 
 This is the true history of the adroit bargain by which 
 the Island of Manhattan was bought for sixty guilders ; 
 and in corroboration of it I will add that Mynheer Ten 
 Breeches, for his services on this memorable occasion, was 
 elevated to the office of land measurer ; whiL,]i he ever 
 afterwards exercised in the colony. 
 
 CHAPTER YIII. 
 The laud being thus fairly purchased of the Indians, a cir- 
 cumstance very unusual in the history of colonisation, and 
 strongly illustrative of the honesty of our Dutch progeni- 
 tors, a stockade fort and trading house were forthwith 
 erected on an eminence in front of the place where the 
 good St. Nicholas had appeared in a vision to Oloffe the 
 Dreamer ; and which, as has already been observed, was 
 the identical place at present known as the Bowling 
 Green. 
 
 Around this fort a progeny of little Dutch-built houses, 
 with tiled roofs and weathercocks, soon sprang up, nest- 
 ling themselves under its walls for protection, as a 
 brood of half -fledged chickens nestle under the wings 
 of the mother hen. The whole was surrounded by an 
 enclosure of strong palisadoes, to guard against any 
 sudden irruption of the savages. Outside of these ex- 
 tended the cornfields and cabbage-gardens of the com- 
 munity, with here and there an attempt at a tobacco 
 plantation ; all covering those tracts of couatry at 
 present called Broadway, Wall Street, William Street, and 
 Pearl Street.
 
 112 HISTORY OF XEW YORK. 
 
 I must not omit to mention, that in portioning out the 
 lanci a goodly " bowerie " or farm was allotted to the sage 
 Oloffe, in consideration of the service he had rendered to 
 the public by his talent at dreaming ; and the site of 
 his " bowerie " is known by the name of Kortlandt (or 
 Courtland) Street to the present day. 
 
 And now the infant settlement having advanced in age 
 and stature, it was thought high time it should receive 
 an honest Chi'istian name. Hitherto it had gone by the 
 original Indian name of Manna-hata, or, as some will 
 have it, " The Manhattoes ; " but this was now decried as 
 savage and heathenish, and as tending to keep up the 
 memory of the pagan brood that originally possessed it. 
 Many were the consultations held upon the subject with- 
 out coming to a conclusion, for though everybody con- 
 demned the old name, nobody could invent a new one. At 
 length, when the council was almost in despair, a burgher, 
 remarkable for the size and squareness of his head, pro- 
 posed that they should call it New Amsterdam. The 
 proposition took everybody by surprise ; it was so strik- 
 ing, so apposite, so ingenious. The name was adopted by 
 acclamation, and New Amsterdam the metropolis was 
 thenceforth called. Still, however, the early authors of 
 the province continued to call it by the general appella- 
 tion of " The Manhattoes," and the poets fondly clung to 
 the euphonious name of Manna-hata ; but those are a 
 kind of folk whose tastes and notions should go for 
 nothing in matters of this kind. 
 
 Having thus provided the embryo city with a name, the 
 next was to give it an armorial bearing or device, as some 
 cities have a rampant lion, others a soaring eagle ; em- 
 blematical, no doubt, of the valiant and high-flying 
 qualities of the inhabitants : so after mature deliberation 
 a sleek beaver was emblazoned on the city standard as 
 indicative of the amphibious origin and patient persever- 
 ing habits of the New Amstonlammers.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 113 
 
 The thriving state of the settlement and the rapid in- 
 crease of honses soon made it necessary to arrange some 
 plan upon which the city should be built ; but at the 
 very first consultation held on the subject a violent dis- 
 cussion arose ; and I mention it with much sorrowing as 
 being the first altercation on record in the councils of 
 New Amsterdam. It was. in fact, a breaking forth of 
 the grudge and heart-burning that had existed between 
 those two eminent burghers. M}Tiheers Ten Broeck and 
 Harden Broeck, ever since their unhappy dispute on the 
 coast of Bellevue. The great Harden Broeck had waxed 
 very wealthy and powerful from his domains, which em- 
 braced the whole chain of Apulean mountains that 
 stretched along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and from part of 
 which his descendants have been expelled in latter ages 
 by the powerful clans of the Joneses and the Schermer- 
 hornes. 
 
 An ingenious plan for the city was offered by MjTiheer 
 Harden Broeck, who proposed that it should be cut up 
 and intersected by canals, after the manner of the most 
 admired cities in Holland. To this Mynheer Ten Broeck 
 was diametrically opposed, suggesting in place thereof 
 that they should run out docks and wharves, by means of 
 piles driven into the bottom of the river, on which the 
 town should be built. " By these means,"' said he, trium- 
 phantly, •' shall we rescue a considerable space of territory 
 from these immense rivers, and build a city that shall 
 rival Amsterdam, Venice, or any amphibious city in 
 Europe." To this proposition Harden Broeck (or Tough 
 Breeches) replied, with a look of as much scorn as he 
 could possibly assume. He cast the utmost censure upon 
 the plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous, and 
 against the very order of things, as he would leave to 
 every true Hollander. '• For what,"' said he, '• is a town 
 without canals ' — it is like a body without veins and 
 arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of
 
 114 HISTOKY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 the vital fluid." — Ten Breeches, on the contrary, retorted 
 with a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat 
 of an arid, dry -boned habit ; he remarked, that as to the 
 circulation of the blood being necessary to existence, 
 Mynheer Tough Breeches was a living contradiction to his 
 own assertion ; for everybody knew there had not a drop 
 of blood circulated through his wind-dried carcase for 
 good ten years, and yet there was not a greater busybody 
 in the whole colony. Personalities have seldom much 
 effect in making converts in argument ; nor have I ever 
 seen a man convinced of error by being convicted of de- 
 formity. At least such was not the case at present. If 
 Ten Breeches was very happy in sarcasm, Tough Breeches, 
 who was a sturdy little man, and never gave up the last 
 word, rejoined with increasing spirit ; Ten Breeches had 
 the advantage of the greatest volubility, but Tough 
 Breeches had that invaluable coat of mail in argument 
 called obstinacy ; Ten Breeches had. therefore, the most 
 mettle, but Tough Breeches the best bottom — so that 
 though Ten Breeches made a dreadful clattering about 
 his ears, and battered and belaboured him with hard 
 words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches hung on 
 most resolutely to the last. They parted, therefore, as is 
 usual in all arguments where both parties are in the right, 
 without coming to any conclusion ; but they hated each 
 other most heartily for ever after, and a similar breach 
 with that between the houses of Capulet and Montague 
 did ensue between the families of Ten Breeches and Tough 
 Breeches. 
 
 I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters 
 of fact, but that my duty as a faithful historian requires 
 that I should be particular ; and, in truth, as I am now 
 treating of the critical period when our city, like a young 
 twig, first received the twists and turns which have since 
 contributed to give it its present picturesque irr(^gularity, 
 I cannot be too minute in detailing their first causes.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 115 
 
 After the unhappy altercation I have just mentioned, I 
 do not find that anything further was said on the subject 
 worthy of being recorded. The council, consisting of the 
 largest and oldest heads in the community, met regularly 
 once a week, to ponder on this momentous sul^ject ; but, 
 either they were deterred by the war of words they had 
 witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the exercise of 
 the tongue, and the consequent exercise of the l^rains — 
 certain it is, the most profound silence was maintained — 
 the question, as usual, lay on the table — the members 
 quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without 
 ever enforcing any, and in the meantime the affairs of the 
 settlement went on — as it pleased G-od, 
 
 As most of the council were but little skilled in the 
 mystery of combining pot-hooks and hangers, they deter- 
 mined most judiciously not to puzzle either themselves or 
 posterity with voluminous records. The secretary, how- 
 ever, kept the minutes of the council with tolerable 
 precision, in a large vellum folio, fastened with massy 
 brass clasps ; the journal of each meeting consisted but of 
 two lines, stating in Dutch that "'• the council sat this day, 
 and smoked twelve pipes on the affairs of the colony." 
 By which it appears that the first settlers did not regulate 
 their time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner as they 
 measure distances in Holland at this very time ; an 
 admirably exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth of 
 a true-born Dutchman is never liable to those accidents 
 and irregularities that are continually putting our clocks 
 out of order. 
 
 In this manner did the profound council of Xew Amster- 
 dam smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to week, 
 month to month, and year to year, in what manner they 
 should construct their infant settlement : meanwhile the 
 town took care of itself, and. like a sturdy brat which is 
 suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and 
 bandages, and other abominations by which your notable
 
 116 HISTOKY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 nurses and sage old women cripple and disfigure the 
 children of men, increased so rapidly in strength and 
 magnitude, that before the honest burgomasters had 
 determined upon a plan it was too late to put it in execu- 
 tion — whereupon they wisely abandoned the subject 
 altogether. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 There is something exceedingly delusive in thus looking 
 back, thi-ough the long vista of departed years, and 
 catching a glimpse of the fairy realms of antiquity, 
 Like a landscape melting into distance, they receive a 
 thousand charms from their very obscurity, and the 
 fancy delights to fill up their outlines with graces and 
 excellences of its own creation. Thus loom on my im- 
 agination those happier days of our city, when as yet 
 New Amsterdam was a mere pastoral town, shrouded in 
 groves of sycamores and willows, and surrounded by 
 trackless forests and wide-spreading waters, that seemed 
 to shut out all the cares and vanities of a wicked world. 
 
 In those days did this embrj'o city present the rare and 
 noble spectacle of a community governed without laws ; 
 and thus being left to its own course, and the fostering 
 care of Providence, increased as rapidl}^ as though it had 
 been burdened with a dozen panuiers full of those sage 
 laws usually heaped on the backs of young cities — in 
 order to make them grow. And in this particular I 
 greatly admire the wisdom and sound knowledge of hu- 
 man nature displayed by the sage Oloffe the Dreamer and 
 his fellow legislators. For my part, I have not so bad an 
 opinion of mankind as many of my brother philosophers. 
 I do not think poor human nature so sorry a piece of 
 workmanship as they would make it out to be ; and as 
 far as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that man, if 
 left to himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. 
 It is only this eternally sounding in his ears that it is his
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. . 117 
 
 duty to go riglit wtiicli makes him go the very reverse. 
 The noble independence of his nature revolts at this in- 
 tolerable tyranny of law, and the perpetual interference 
 of officious morality, which are ever besetting his path 
 with finger-posts and directions to " keep to the right, as 
 the law directs ; " and like a spirited urchin, he turns 
 directly contrary, and gallops through mud and mire, 
 over hedges and ditches, merely to show that he is a lad 
 of spirit, and out of his leading-strings. And these 
 opinions are amply substantiated by what I have above 
 said of our worthy ancestors ; who never being be- 
 preached and be-lectured, and guided and governed by 
 statutes and laws and by-laws, as are their more en- 
 lightened descendants, did one and all demean themselves 
 honestly and peaceably, out of pure ignorance, or, in 
 other words — because they knew no better. 
 
 Xor must I omit to record one of the earliest measures 
 of this infant settlement, inasmuch as it shows the piety 
 of our forefathers, and that, like good Christians, they 
 were always ready to serve God, after they had first 
 served themselves. Thus, having quietly settled them- 
 selves down, and provided for their own comfort, they 
 bethought themselves of testifj-ing their gratitude to the 
 great and good St. Xicholas, for his protecting care in 
 guiding them to this delectable abode. To this end they 
 built a fair and goodly chapel within the fort, which 
 they consecrated to his name ; whereupon he immediately 
 took the town of Xew Amsterdam under his peculiar 
 patronage, and he has ever since been, and I devoutly 
 hope will ever be, the tutelar saint of this excellent city. 
 
 At this early period was instituted that pious ceremony, 
 still religiously observed in all our ancient families of the 
 right breed, of hanging up a stocking in the chimney on 
 St. Xicholas' Eve ; which stocking is always found in the 
 morning miraculously filled ; for the good St. Xicholas has 
 ever been a great giver of gifts, particularly to children.
 
 118 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 I am moreover told that there is a little legendary 
 book somewhere extant, written in Low Dutch, which 
 says that the image of this renowned saint, which whilom 
 graced the bow-sprit of the GoedeVrouw, was elevated in 
 front of this chapel, in the centre of what in modern 
 days is called the Bowling Green — on the very spot, in 
 fact, where he appeared in vision to Oloffe the Dreamer. 
 And the legend further treats of divers miracles wrought 
 by the mighty pipe which the saint held in his mouth ; a 
 whiff of which was a sovereign cure for an indigestion — an 
 invaluable relic in this colony of brave trenchermen. As 
 however, in spite of the most diligent search, I cannot lay 
 my hands upon this little book, I must confess that I 
 entertain considerable doubt on the subject. 
 
 Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicholas, the 
 infant city thrived apace. Hordes of painted savages, it 
 is true, still lurked about the unsettled parts of the 
 island. The hunter still pitched his bower of skins and 
 bark beside the rills that ran through the cool and shady 
 glens, while here and there might be seen, on some sunny 
 knoll, a group of Indian wigwams whose smoke arose 
 above the neighbouring trees, and floated in the trans- 
 parent atmosphere. A mutual good-will, however, ex- 
 isted between these wandering beings and the burghers of 
 New Amsterdam. Our benevolent forefathers endea- 
 voured as much as possible to ameliorate their situation, 
 by giving them gin, rum, and glass beads, in exchange 
 for their peltries ; for it seems the kind-hearted Dunch- 
 men had conceived a great friendship for their savage 
 neighbours, on account of their being pleasant men to 
 trade with, and little skilled in the art of making a 
 bargain. 
 
 Now and then a crew of these half human sons of the 
 forest would make their appearance in the streets of 
 New Amsterdam, fantastically painted and decorated 
 with beads and flaunting feathers, sauntering about with
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 119 
 
 an air of listless indififei-ence — sometimes in the market- 
 place, instnicting the little Dutch boys in the use of the 
 bow and arrow — at other times, inflamed with liquor, 
 swaggering, and whooping, and yelling about the town 
 like so many fiends, to the great dismay of all the good 
 wives, who would hurry their children into the house, 
 fasten the doors, and throw water upon the enemy from 
 the garret windows. It is worthy of mention here that 
 our forefathers were very particular in holding up these 
 wild men as excellent domestic examples — and for reasons 
 that may be gathered from the history of Master Ogilby, 
 who tells us that " for the least offence the bridegroom 
 soundly beats his wife and turns her out of doors, and 
 marries another, insomuch that some of them have every 
 3'ear a new wife." Whether this awful example had any 
 influence or not history does not mention ; but it is 
 certain that our grandmothers were miracles of fidelity 
 and obedience. 
 
 True it is that the good understanding between our 
 ancestors and their savage neighbours was liable to 
 occasional interruptions, and I have heard my grand- 
 mother, who was a very wise old woman, and well versed 
 in the history of these parts, tell a long story of a 
 winter's evening, about a battle between the Jfew- 
 Amsterdammers and the Indians, which was known by 
 the name of the Peach War, and which took place near a 
 peach orchard, in a dark glen, which for a long while 
 went by the name of Murderer's Valley. 
 
 The legend of this sylvan vrar was long current among 
 the nurses, old wives, and other ancient chroniclers of 
 the place ; but time and improvement have almost 
 obliterated both the tradition and the scene of battle ; 
 for what was once the blood-stained valley is now in the 
 centre of this populous city, and known by the name of 
 Dey Street. 
 
 I know not whether it was to this " Peach War,'' and
 
 120 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 
 
 the acquisitions of Indian land whicli may have grown 
 out of it, that we may ascribe the first seeds of the si:)irit 
 .of " annexation " which now began to manifest them- 
 selves. Hitherto the ambition of the worthy burghers 
 had been confined to the lovely island of Manna-hata ; 
 and Spiten Devil on the Hudson, and Hell-gate on the 
 Sound, were to them the pillars of Hercules, the ne ^>Z?/.9 
 iiltra of human enterprise. Shortly after the Peach War 
 however, a restless spirit was observed among the Xew 
 Amsterdammers, who began to cast wistful looks upon 
 the wild lands of their Indian neighbours ; for somehow 
 or other wild Indian land always looks greener in the 
 eyes of settlers than the land they occupy. It is hinted 
 that Oloffe the Dreamer encouraged these notions ; having, 
 as has been shown, the inherent spirit of a land speculator, 
 which had been wonderfully quickened and expanded 
 since he had become a landholder. Many of the common 
 people, who had never before owned a foot of land, now 
 began to be discontented with the town lots which had 
 fallen to their shares ; others who had snug farms and 
 tobacco plantations found they had not suincient elbow- 
 room, and began to question the rights of the Indians ,to 
 the vast regions they pretended to hold — while the good 
 Oloffe indulged in magnificent dreams of foreign con- 
 quest and great patroonships in the wilderness. 
 
 The result of these dreams were certain exploring ex- 
 peditions sent forth in various directions to " sow the 
 seeds of empire," as it was said. The earliest of these were 
 conducted by Hans Reinier Oothout, an old navigator 
 famous for the sharpness of his vision, who could see 
 land when it was quite out of sight to ordinary mortals, 
 and who had a spy-glass covered with a bit of tarpauling, 
 with which he could spy up the crookedest river, quite to 
 its head waters. He was accompanied by Mynheer Ten 
 Breeches, as land measurer, in case of any dispute with 
 the Indians.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 121 
 
 "What was the consequencs of these exploring expedi- 
 tions .' In a little while we find a frontier post or trad- 
 ing-house called Fort Nassau, established far to the south 
 on Delaware River ; another called Fort Goed Hoop (or 
 Good Hope), on the Varsche or Fresh, or Connecticut 
 River ; and another called Fort Aurania (now Albany) 
 away up the Hudson River ; while the boundaries of the 
 province kept extending on every side, nobody knew 
 whither, far into the regions of Terra Incognita. 
 
 Of the boundary feuds and troubles which the ambi- 
 tious little province brought upon itself by these indefi- 
 nite expansions of its temtory we shall treat at large in 
 the after pages of this eventful history ; sufficient for 
 the present is it to say, that the swelling importance of the 
 Nieiiw Xederlandts awakened the attention of the mother 
 country, who, finding it likely to yield much revenue and 
 no trouble, began to take that interest in its welfare 
 which knowing people evince for rich relations. 
 
 But as this opens a new era in the fortunes of Xew 
 Amsterdam, I will here put an end to this second book of 
 my history, and will treat of the maternal policy of the 
 mother country in my next. 
 
 3Soxife IM. 
 
 IX WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN SEIGX OF 
 WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Grievous and very much to be commiserated is the 
 task of the feeling historian who writes the history of 
 his native land. If it fall to his lot to be the recorder of 
 calamity or crime, the mournful page is watered with 
 his tears — nor can he recall the most prosperous and 
 blissful era without a melancholy sigh at the reflecticu
 
 122 HISTORY OF NEW YORS. 
 
 that it lias passed away for ever ! I know not whether it 
 be owing to an immoderate love for the simplicity of 
 former times, or to that certain tenderness of heart in- 
 cident to all sentimental historians, but I candidly con- 
 fess that I cannot look back on the happier daj's of our 
 city, which I now describe, without great dejection of 
 spirits. With faltering hand do I withdraw the curtain 
 of oblivion that veils the modest merit of our venerable 
 ancestors, and as their figures rise to my mental vision, 
 humble myself before their mighty shades. 
 
 Such are mj' feelings when I revisit the family mansion 
 of the Knickerbockers, and spend a lonely hour in the 
 chamber where hang the portraits of my forefathers, 
 shrouded in dust like the forms they represent. With 
 pious reverence do I gaze on the countenances of those 
 renowned burghers who have preceded me in the steady 
 march of existence — whose sober and temperate blood 
 now meanders through my veins, flowing slower and 
 slower in its feeble conduits, until its current shall soon 
 be stopped for ever ! 
 
 These I say to myself are but frail memorials of the 
 mighty men who flourished in the days of the patriarchs ; 
 but who, alas ! have long since mouldered in that tomb 
 towards which my steps are insensibly and irresistibly 
 hastening. As I pace the darkened chamber, and lose 
 myself in melancholy musings, the shadowy images 
 around me almost seem to steal once moi-e into existence, 
 their countenances to assume the animation of life — their 
 eyes to pursue me in every movement ! Carried away by 
 the delusions of fancy, I almost imagine myself sur- 
 rounded by the shades of the departed, and holding s^eet 
 converse with the worthies of antiquity ! Ah. hapless 
 Diedrich I born in a degenerate age, abandoned to the 
 buft'etings of fortune — a stranger and a weary pilgrim in 
 thy native land— blest with no weeping wife, nor family 
 of helpless children ; but doomed to wander neglected
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 123 
 
 through those crowded streets, and elbowed by foreign 
 npstarts from those fair abodes where once thine ances- 
 tors held sovereign empire ! 
 
 Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, nor 
 suffer the doting recollections of age to overcome me, 
 while dwelling w^ith fond garrulity on the virtuous days 
 of the patriarchs — on those sweet days of simplicity and 
 ease, which never more will dawn on the lovely island of 
 Manna-hata. 
 
 These melancholy reflections have been forced from me 
 by the growing wealth and importance of New Amster- 
 dam, which, I plainly perceive, are to involve it in all 
 kinds of perils and disasters. Already, as I observed at 
 the close of my last book, they had awakened the atten- 
 tion of the mother country. The usual mark of protection 
 shown by mother countries to wealthy colonies was 
 forthwith manifested ; a governor being sent out to rule 
 over the province, and squeeze out of it as much revenue 
 as possible. The arrival of a governor of course put an 
 end to the protectorate of Oloffe the Dreamer. He 
 appears, however, to have dreamt to some purpose during 
 his sway, as we find him afterwards living as a patroon 
 on a great landed estate on the banks of the Hudson, 
 having virtually forfeited all right to his ancient appella- 
 tion of Kortlandt. or Lackland. 
 
 It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer 
 Wouter Van Twiller was appointed governor of the 
 province of Xieuw Xederlandts, under the commission 
 and control of their High Mightinesses the Lords States 
 General of the L^'nited Netherlands and the privileged 
 West India Company. 
 
 This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amster- 
 dam in the merry month of June, the sweetest month in 
 all the year ; when Dan Apollo seems to dance up the 
 transparent firmament — when the robin, the thrush, and 
 a thousand other Vv^anton songsters make the woods to
 
 124 HISTORY OF NEW YOEK. 
 
 resound with amorous ditties, and the hixurious little 
 boblincon revels among the clover blossoms of the 
 meadows — all which happy coincidence persuaded the old 
 dames of Xew Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art of 
 foretelling events, that this was to be a happy and pros- 
 perous administration. 
 
 The reno^^Tied Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was 
 descended from a long line of Dutch burgomasters, who 
 had successively dozed away their lives, and grown fat 
 upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam ; and who 
 had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and 
 proijriety that they were never either heard or talked of — • 
 which, next to being universally applauded, should be 
 the object of ambition of all magistrates and rulers. 
 There are two opposite ways by which some men make a 
 figure in the world ; one by talking faster than they 
 think, and the other by holding their tongues and not 
 thinking at all. By the first many a smatterer acquires 
 the reputation of a man of quick parts ; by the other 
 many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, 
 comes to be considered the very type of wisdom. This, 
 by the way, is a casual remark, which I would not for the 
 universe have it thought I apply to Governor Van Twiller. 
 It is true he was a man shut up within himself, like an 
 oyster, and rarely spoke except in monosyllables ; but 
 then it was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing. So 
 invincible was his gravity that he was never known to 
 laugh, or even to smile, through the whole course of a 
 long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were uttered in 
 his presence, that set light-minded hearers in a roar, 
 it was observed to throw him into a state of perplexity. 
 Sometimes he would deign to inquire into the matter, and 
 when, after much explanation, the joke was made as plain 
 as a pike-staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe in 
 silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would ex- 
 claim, " Well ! I see nothing in all that to laugh about."
 
 HISTOEY OF NEW YOUK. 125 
 
 With all his reflective habits he never made up his 
 mind on a subject. His adherents accounted for this by 
 the astonishing magnitude of his ideas. He conceived 
 every subject on so grand a scale that he had not room 
 in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. 
 Certain it is that if any matter were propounded to him 
 on which ordinary mortals would rashly determine at 
 first glance, he would put on a vague mysterious look, 
 shake his capacious head, smoke some time in profound 
 silence, and at length observe that "he had his doubts 
 about the matter ; " which gained him the reputation of 
 a man slow of belief, and not easily imposed upon. What 
 is more, it gained him a lasting name, for to this habit 
 of the mind has been attributed his surname of Twiller, 
 which is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler, 
 or, in plain English, Douhter. 
 
 The person of this illustrious old gentleman was 
 formed and proportioned, as though it had been moulded 
 by the hands of some cunning Dutch statuary, as a model 
 of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five 
 feet six inches in height, and six feet five inches in cir- 
 cumference. His head was a perfect sphere, and of such 
 stupendous dimensions, that Dame Nature, with all her 
 sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to construct a 
 neck capable of supporting it ; wherefore she wisely de- 
 clined the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his 
 backbone, just between the shoulders. His body was ob- 
 long and particularly capacious at bottom, which was 
 wisely ordered by Providence, seeing that he was a man 
 of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labour of 
 walking. His legs were short, but sturdy in proportion 
 to the weight they had to sustain ; so that, when erect, 
 he had not a little the appearance of a beer barrel on 
 skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind, pre- 
 sented a vast expanse, unf urrowed by any of those lines 
 and angles which disfigure the human countenance with
 
 126 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 what is termed expression. Two small grey eyes twinkled 
 ieebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude in 
 Po hazy firmament ; and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed 
 to have taken toll of everything that went into his mouth, 
 were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like 
 a Spitzenberg apple. 
 
 His habits w^ere as regular as his person. He daily took 
 his four stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour to 
 each ; he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept 
 the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such was 
 the renowned Wouter Van Twiller — a true philosopher, 
 for his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly 
 settled below, the cares and perplexities of this world. 
 He had lived in it for years, without feeling the least 
 curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it, or 
 it round the sun ; and he had watched for at least half 
 a century the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, 
 without once troubling his head with any of those 
 numerous theories by which a philosopher Avould have 
 perplexed his brain in accounting for its rising above 
 the surrounding atmosphere. 
 
 In his council he presided with great state and 
 solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak, hewn in 
 the celebrated forest of the Hague, fabricated by an ex- 
 perienced timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously 
 carved about the arms and feet into exact imitations of 
 gigantic eagle's claws. Instead of a sceptre he swayed 
 a long Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, 
 which had been presented to a stadtholder of Holland, 
 at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Bar- 
 bary Powers. In this stately chair would he sit. and this 
 magnificent pipe would he smoke, shaking his right knee 
 with a constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours to- 
 gether upon a little print of Amsterdam, which hung in 
 a black frame against the opposite wall of the council 
 chamber. l"say, it has even been said, that when any
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 127 
 
 deliberation of extraordinaiy length and intricacy was on 
 the carpet, the renowned "Wouter would shut his eyes for 
 full two hours at a time, that he might not be disturl^ed 
 by external objects — and at such times the internal 
 commotion of his mind was evinced by certain regular 
 guttural sounds, which his admirers declared were merely 
 the noise of conflict made by his contending doubts and 
 opinions. 
 
 It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to 
 collect these biographical anecdotes of the great man 
 under consideration. The facts respecting him were so 
 scattered and vague, and divers of them so questionable 
 in point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the 
 search after many, and decline the admission of still more, 
 which would have tended to heighten the colouring of his 
 portrait. 
 
 I have been the more anxious to delineate fullj' the 
 person and habits of Wouter Yan Twiller, from the con- 
 sideration that he was not only the first, but also the best 
 governor, that ever presided over this ancient and 
 respectable province ; and so tranquil and benevolent 
 was his reign, that I do not find throughout the whole of 
 it a single instance of any offender being brought to 
 punishment — a most indubitable sign of a merciful 
 governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign 
 of the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is 'hinted, the 
 renowned Tan Twiller was a lineal descendant. 
 
 The very outset of the career of this excellent magis- 
 trate was distinguished by an example of legal acumen, 
 that gave flattering presage of a wise and equitable 
 administration. The morning after he had been installed 
 in office, and at the moment that he was making his break- 
 fast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and 
 Indian pudding, he was interrupted by the appearance of 
 Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of 
 New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one Bareut
 
 128 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 Bleecker, inasmuch, as he refused to come to a settlement 
 of accounts, seeing- that there was a heavy balance in 
 favour of the said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I 
 have already observed, was a man of few words ; he was 
 likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings, or 
 being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened at- 
 tentively to the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving 
 an occasional grunt, as he shovelled a spoonful of Indian 
 jiudding into his mouth — either as a sign that he relished 
 the dish or comprehended the story — he called unto him 
 his constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket 
 a huge jack-knife, dispatched it after the defendant as a 
 summons, accompanied by his tobacco-box as a warrant. 
 
 This summary process was as effectual in those simple 
 days as was the seal ring of the great Haroun Al- 
 raschid among the true believers. The two parties being 
 confronted before him, each produced a book of accounts, 
 written in a language and character that would have 
 puzzled any but a High Dutch commentator, or a learned 
 decipherer of Egyptian obelisks. The sage Wouter took 
 them one after the other, and having poised them in his 
 hands, and attentively counted over the number of leaves, 
 fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for 
 half-an-hour without saying a word ; at length, laying 
 his finger beside his nose, and shutting his eyes for 
 a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a 
 subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his 
 mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with 
 marvellous gravity and solemnity pronounced — that 
 having carefully counted over the leaves and weighed the 
 hooks, it was found that one was ]ust as thick and as 
 heavy as the other — therefore it was the final opinion of 
 the court that the accounts were equally balanced — 
 therefore Wandle should give Barent a receipt, and 
 Barent should give Wandle a receipt — and the constable 
 .should pay the costs.
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YOrK. 129 
 
 This decision being straightway made known, diffused 
 general joy throughout New Amsterdam, for the people 
 immediately perceived that they had a very wise and 
 equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest 
 effect was, that not another lawsuit took place through- 
 out the whole of his administration — and the office of 
 constable fell into such decay, that there was not one 
 of those losel scouts known in the province for many 
 years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this 
 transaction, not only because I deem it one of the most 
 sage and righteous judgments on record, and well worthy 
 the attention of modern magistrates, but because it 
 was a miraculous event in the history of the renowned 
 Wouter, being the only time he was ever known to come 
 to a decision in the whole course of his life. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 In treating of the early governors of the province I 
 must caution my readers against confounding them, in 
 point of dignity and power, with those worthy gentle- 
 men who are whimsically denominated governors in this 
 enlightened republic — a set of unhappy victims of 
 popularity, who are in fact the most dependent, hen- 
 pecked beings in the community, doomed to bear the 
 secret goadings and corrections of their own party, and 
 the sneers and revilings of the whole world beside— set 
 up, like geese at Christmas holidays, to be pelted and 
 shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the land. 
 On the contrary, the Dutch governors enjo^'ed that 
 uncontrolled authority, vested in all commanders of 
 distant colonies or territories. They were in a manner 
 absolute despots in their little domains, lording it, if 
 so disposed, over both law and gospel, and accountable to 
 none but the mother-country ; which, it is well known, 
 is astonishingly deaf to all complaints against its 
 E— 77
 
 130 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 governors, provided they discliarge the main duty of 
 their station — squeezing ont a good revenue. This hint 
 will be of importance to prevent my readers from being 
 seized with doubt and incredulity, whenever, in the 
 course of this authentic history, they encounter the un- 
 common circumstance of a governor acting with in- 
 dependence, and in opposition to the opinions of the 
 multitude. 
 
 To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous business 
 of legislation, a board of magistrates was appointed, 
 which presided immediately over the police. This 
 potent bod}' consisted of a schout, or bailiff, with powers 
 between those of the present mayor and sheriff — five 
 burgermeesters, who were equivalent to aldermen, and 
 five schepens, who officiated as scrubs, sub-devils, or 
 bottle-holders to the burgermeesters, in the same manner 
 as do assistant aldermen to their ijrincipals at the pre- 
 sent day ; it being their duty to fill the pipes of the 
 lordly burgermeesters, hunt the markets for delicacies 
 for corporation dinners, and to discharge such other 
 little offices of kindness as were occasionally requii-ed. 
 It was, moreover, tacitly understood, though not specifi- 
 cally enjoined, that they should consider themselves as 
 butts for the blunt wits of the burgermeesters, and 
 should laugh most heartily at all their jokes ; but this 
 last was a duty as rarely called in action in those days as 
 it is at present, and was shortly remitted, in consequence 
 of the tragical death of a fat little schepen, who actually 
 died of suffocation in an unsuccessful effort to force a 
 laugh at one of burgermeester Van Zandt's best jokes. 
 
 In return for these humble services, they were per- 
 mitted to say '' yes " and " no " at the council-board, and 
 to have that enviable privilege, the run of the public 
 kitchen — being graciously permitted to eat, and drink, 
 and smoke, at all those snug junketings and public 
 formandisings, for which the ancient magistrates were
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 131 
 
 equally famous with their modern successors. The post 
 of schepen, therefore, like that of assistant alderman, 
 was eagerly coveted by all your burghers of a certain 
 description, who have a huge relish for good feeding, 
 and an humble ambition to be great men in a small way 
 — who thirst after a little brief authority, that shall 
 render them the terror of the almshouse and the bride- 
 well — that shall enable them to lord it over obsequious 
 poverty, vagrant vice, outcast prostitution, and hunger- 
 driven dishonesty — that shall give to their beck a hound- 
 like pack of catchpolls and bumbailiffs — tenfold greater 
 rogues than the culprits they himt down ; My readers 
 will excuse this sudden warmth, which I confess is 
 unbecoming of a grave historian ; btit I have a mortal 
 antipathy to catchpolls, bumbailiffs. and little great 
 men. 
 
 The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded with 
 those of the present time no less in form, magnitude, and 
 intellect, than in prerogative and privilege. The burgo- 
 masters, like our aldermen, were generally chosen by 
 weight — and not only the weight of the body, but like- 
 wise the weight of the head. It is a maxim practically 
 observed in all honest, plain-thinking, regular cities, that 
 an alderman should be fat : and the wisdom of this can 
 be proved to a certainty. That the body is in some 
 measure an image of the mind, or rather that the mind 
 is moulded to the body, like melted lead to the clay in 
 which it is cast, has been insisted on by many philoso- 
 phers, who have made human nature their peculiar study •, 
 for, as a learned gentleman of our own city observes, 
 " there is a constant relation between the moral character 
 of all intelligent creatures, and their physical constitu- 
 tion — between their habits and the structure of their 
 bodies." Thus we see that a lean, spare, diminutive body 
 is generally accompanied by a petulant, restless, meddling 
 mind ; either the mind wears down the body, by its
 
 132 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 continual motion ; or else the body, not affording tlie mind 
 sufficient house-room, keeps it continually in a state of 
 fretfulness, tossing and worrying about from the uneasi- 
 ness of its situation. Whereas your round, sleek, fat, 
 unwieldy periphery is ever attended by a mind like itself, 
 tranquil, torpid, and at ease ; and we may always ob- 
 serve, that your well-fed, robustious burghers are in 
 general very tenacious of their ease and comfort ; being 
 great enemies to noise, discord, and disturbance — and 
 surely none are more likely to study the public tran- 
 quillity than those who are so careful of their own. Who 
 ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding together 
 in turbulent mobs? No — no — it is your lean, hungry 
 men who are continually worrying society, and setting 
 the whole community by the ears. 
 
 The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not sufficiently 
 attended to by philosophers of the present age, allows to 
 every man three souls — one immortal and rational, seated 
 in the brain, that it may overlook and regulate the body ; 
 a second, consisting of the surly and irascible passions 
 which, like belligerent powers, lie encamped around the 
 heart ; a third, mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, 
 gross and brutal in its propensities, and enchained in the 
 belly, that it may not disturb the divine soul by its 
 ravenous howlings. Now, according to this excellent 
 tlieory, what can be more clear, than that j-our fat alder- 
 man is most likely to have the most regular and well- 
 conditioned mind. His head is like a huge spherical 
 chamber, containing a prodigious mass of soft brains, 
 whereon the rational soul lies softly and snugly couched, 
 as on a feather-bed ; and the eyes which are the windows 
 of the bedchamber, are usually half -closed, that its 
 slumberings may not be disturbed by external objects. 
 A mind thus comfortably lodged, and protected from 
 disturbance, is manifestly most likely to perform its 
 functions with regularity and ease. By dint of good
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 133 
 
 feeding, moreover, th.e mortal and malignant soul, which 
 is confined in the belly, and which, by its raging and 
 roaring, puts the irritable soul in the neighbourhood of 
 the heart in an intolerable passion, and thus renders men 
 crusty and quarrelsome when hungry, is completely paci- 
 fied, silenced, and put to rest ; whereupon a host of 
 honest, good-fellow qualities and kind-hearted affections, 
 which had lain perdue, slily peeping out of the loopholes 
 of the heart, finding this Cerberus asleep, do pluck up 
 their spirits, turn out one and all in their holiday suits, 
 and gambol up and down the diaphragm — disposing 
 their possessor to laughter, good humour, and a thousand 
 friendly offices towards his fellow-mortals. 
 
 As a board of magistrates, formed on this principle, 
 think but very little, they are the less likely to differ 
 and wrangle about favourite opinions ; and, as they 
 generally transact business upon a hearty dinner, they 
 are naturally disposed to be lenient and indulgent in the 
 administration of their duties. Charlemagne was con- 
 scious of this, and therefore ordered in his cartularies, 
 that no judge should hold a court of justice except in 
 the morning on an empty stomach. A pitiful rule which 
 I can never forgive, and which I warrant bore hard upon 
 all the poor culprits in the kingdom. The more en- 
 lightened and humane generation of the present day have 
 taken an opposite course, and have so managed that the 
 aldermen are the best fed men in the community ; feast- 
 ing lustily on the fat things of the land, and gorging so 
 heartily on oysters and turtles, that in process of time 
 they acquire the activity of the one, and the form, the 
 waddle, and the green fat of the other. The consequence 
 is, as I have just said, these luxurious f eastings do pro- 
 duce such a dulcet equanimity and repose of the soul, 
 rational and irrational, that their transactions are pro- 
 verbial for imvarying monotony ; and the profound laws 
 which they enact in their dozing moment?, amid tlio
 
 134 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 labours of digestion, are quietly suffered to remain as 
 dead letters, and never enforced when awake. In a word, 
 your fair, round-bellied burgomaster, like a full-fed 
 mastiff, dozes quietly at the house-door, always at home, 
 and always at hand to watch over its safety ; but as to 
 electing a lean, meddling candidate to the office, as has 
 now and then been done. I would as lief put a greyhound 
 to watch the house, or a racehorse to draw an ox- 
 waggon. 
 
 The burgomasters then, as I have already mentioned, 
 were wisely chosen by weight, and the schepens, or as- 
 sistant aldermen, were appointed to attend upon them, 
 and help them eat ; but the latter, in the course of time, 
 when they had been fed and fattened iato sufficient bulk 
 of body and drowsiness of brain, became very eligible 
 candidates for the burgomasters' chairs, having fairly 
 eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats his way 
 into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, blue-nosed, 
 skimmed milk, New England cheese. 
 
 Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that 
 took place between the renowned Wouter and these his 
 worthy compeers, unless it be the sage divans of some of 
 our modern corporations. They would sit for hours 
 smoking and dozing over public affairs, without speaking 
 a word to interrupt that perfect stillness so necessary to 
 deep reflection. Under the sober sway of Wouter Van 
 Twiller and these his worthy coadjutors, the infant 
 settlement waxed vigorous apace, gradually emerging 
 from the swamps and forests, and exhibiting that 
 mingled appearance of town and country customary in 
 new cities, and which at this day may be witnessed in the 
 city of Washington ; that immense metropolis, which 
 makes so glorious an appearance on paper. 
 
 It was a pleasing sight in those times to behold the 
 honest burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seated on the 
 T)onch at the door of his whitewashed house, under the
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. lo5 
 
 shade of some gigantic sj'camore or overhanging willow. 
 Here would he smoke his pipe of a sultry afternoon, 
 enjoying the soft southern breeze, and listening with 
 silent gratulation to the clucking of his hens, the cack- 
 ling of his geese, and the sonorous grunting of his 
 swine ; that combination of farmyard melody, which 
 may truly be said to have a silver sound, inasmuch as it 
 conveys a certain assurance of profitable marketing. 
 
 The modern spectator, who wanders through the 
 streets of this populous city, can scarcely form an idea of 
 the different appearance they presented in the primitive 
 days of the doubter. The busy hum of multitudes, the 
 shouts of revelry, the rumbling equipages of fashion, the 
 rattling of accursed carts, and all the spirit-grieving 
 sounds of brawling commerce, were unknown in the 
 settlement of New Amsterdam. The grass grew quietly 
 in the highways — the bleating sheep and frolicksome 
 calves sported about the verdant ridge, where now the 
 Broadway loungers take their morning stroll — the cunning 
 fox or ravenous wolf skulked in the woods, where now 
 are to be seen the dens of Gomez and his righteous fra- 
 ternity of money-brokers — and flocks of vociferous geese 
 cackled about the fields, where now the great Tammany 
 wigwam and the patriotic tavern of Martling echo with 
 the wranglings of the mob. 
 
 In these good times did a true and enviable equality of 
 rank and property prevail, equally removed from the 
 arrogance of wealth, and the servility and heart-burnings 
 of repining poverty — and, what in my mind is still more 
 conducive to tranquillity and harmony among friends, a 
 happy equality of intellect was likewis? to be seen. The 
 minds of the good burghers of New Amsterdam seemed 
 all to have been cast in one mould, and to be those 
 honest, blunt minds, which, like certain manufactures, 
 are made by the gross, and considered as exceedingly 
 good for common use.
 
 136 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 Thus it happens that your true dull minds are 
 generally preferred for public emploj'-, and especially 
 promoted to city honours ; your keen intellects, like 
 razors, being considered too sharp for common service. 
 I know that it is common to rail at the unequal distribu- 
 tion of riches, as the great source of jealousies, broils, and 
 heart-breakings ; whereas, for my part, I verily believe it is 
 the sad inequality of intellect that prevails, that embroils 
 communities more than anything else ; and I have remarked 
 that your knowing people, who are so much wiser than 
 anybody else, are eternally keeping society in a ferment. 
 Happily for New Amsterdam, nothing of the kind was 
 known within its walls — the very words of learning, 
 education, taste, and talents were unheard of — a bright 
 genius was an animal unknown, and a blue-stocking lady 
 would have been regarded with as much wonder as a 
 horned frog or a fiery dragon. No man in fact seemed to 
 know more than his neighbour, nor any man to know 
 more than an honest man ought to know, who has 
 nobody's business to mind but his own ; the parson and 
 the council clerk were the only men that could read in 
 the community, and the sage Van Twiller always signed 
 his name with a cross. 
 
 Thrice happy and ever to be envied little burgh ! exist- 
 ing in all the security of harmless insignificance — un- 
 noticed and unenvied by the world, without ambition, 
 Avithout vain-glory, without riches, without learning, 
 and all their train of carking cares ; and as of yore, in 
 the better days of man, the deities were wont to visit 
 him on earth and bless his rural habitations, so we are 
 told, in the sylvan days of New Amsterdam, the good St. 
 Nicholas would often make his appearance in his beloved 
 city, of a holiday afternoon, riding jollily among the ti-ee- 
 tops, or over the roofs of the houses, now and then draw- 
 ing forth magnificent presents from his breeches pockets, 
 iind dropping them down the chimneys of his favourites.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. l37 
 
 Whereas in these degenerate days of iron and brass he 
 never shows us the light of his countenance, nor ever 
 visits us, save one night in the year ; when he rattles 
 down the chimneys of the descendants of the patriarchs, 
 confining his presents merely to the children, in token of 
 the degeneracy of the parents. 
 
 Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of a fat 
 government. The province of the Xew Netherlands, 
 destitute of j wealth, possessed a sweet tranquillity that 
 wealth could never purchase. There were neither public 
 commotions, nor private quarrels ; neither parties, nor 
 sects, nor schisms ; neither prosecutions, nor trials, nor 
 punishments ; nor were there counsellors, attorneys, 
 catchpolls, or hangmen. Every man attended to what 
 little business he was lucky enough to have, or neglected 
 it if he pleased, without asking the opinion of his neigh- 
 bour. In those days nobody meddled with concerns 
 above his comprehension, nor thrust his nose into other 
 people's affairs, nor neglected to correct his own conduct 
 and reform his own character, in his zeal to pull to 
 pieces the characters of others ; but in a word, every re- 
 spectable citizen ate when he was not hungry, drank 
 when he was not thirsty, and went regularly to bed when 
 the sun set and the fowls went to roost, whether he were 
 sleepy or not ; all which tended so remarkably to the 
 population of the settlement, that I am told every duti- 
 ful wife throughout New Amsterdam made a point of en- 
 riching her husband with at least one child a year, and 
 very often a brace — this superabundance of good things 
 clearly constituting the true luxury of life, accordin;r to 
 the favourite Dutch maxim, that "-more than enough 
 constitutes a feast."' Everything, therefore, went on 
 exactly as it should do, and in the usual words employed 
 by historians to express the welfare of a country, " the 
 profoundest tranquillity and repose reigned throughout 
 the province."
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 Manifold are the tastes and dispositions of the en- 
 lightened literati who turn over the pages of history. 
 Some there be whose hearts are brimful of the yeast of 
 courage, and whose bosoms do work, and swell, and foam 
 with untried valour, like a barrel of new cider, or a train- 
 band captain fresh from under the hands of his tailor. 
 This doughty class of readers can be satisfied with 
 nothing but bloody battles, and horrible encounters ; they 
 must be continually storming forts, sacking cities, 
 springing mines, marching up to the muzzles of cannon, 
 charging bayonet through every page, and revelling in 
 gunpowder and carnage. Others, who are of a less 
 martial, but equally ardent imagination, and who, withal, 
 are a little given to the marvellous, will dwell with won- 
 drous satisfaction on descriptions of prodigies, unheard- 
 of events, hairbreadth escapes, hardy adventures, and all 
 those astonishing narrations which just amble along the 
 boundary line of possibility. A third class, who, not to 
 speak slightly of them, are of a lighter turn, and skim 
 over the records of past times, as they do over the 
 edifying pages of a novel, merely for relaxation and 
 innocent amusement, do singularly delight in treasons, 
 executions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, conflagrations, 
 murders, and all the other catalogue of hideous crimes, 
 which, like cayenne in cookery, do give a pungency and 
 flavour to the dull detail of history ; while a fourth 
 class, of more philosophic habits, do diligently pore over 
 the musty chronicles of time, to investigate the operations 
 of the human kind, and watch the gradual changes in 
 men and manners, effected by the progress of knowledge, 
 the vicissitudes of events, or the influence of situation. 
 If the three first classes find but little wherewithal to 
 solace themselves in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van 
 Twiller, I entreat them to exert their patience for a
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 139 
 
 while, and bear with the tedious picture of happiness, 
 prosperity, and peace, which my duty as a faithful his- 
 torian obliges me to draw ; and I promise them that as 
 soon as I can possibly alight upon anything horrible, un- 
 common, or impossible, it shall go hard but I will make 
 it afford them entertainment. This being premised, I 
 turn with great complacency to the fourth class of my 
 readers, who are men, or, if possible, women after my 
 own heart ; grave, philosophical, and investigating ; fond 
 of analysing characters, of taking a start from first 
 causes, and so hunting a nation down, through all the 
 mazes of innovation and improvement. Such will 
 naturally be anxious to witness the first development of 
 the newly-hatched colony, and the primitive manners and 
 customs prevalent among its inhabitants, during the 
 halcyon reign of Van Twiller, or the Doubter. 
 
 I will not grieve their patience, however, by describing 
 minutely the increase and improvement of New Amster- 
 dam. Their own imaginations will doubtless present to 
 them the good burghers, like so many painstaking and 
 persevering beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their 
 labours — they will behold the prosperous transformation 
 from the rude log hut to the stately Dutch mansion, with 
 brick front, glazed windows, and tiled roof ; from the 
 tangled thicket to the luxuriant cabbage garden ; and 
 from the skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster. 
 In a word, they will picture to themselves the steady, 
 silent, and undeviating march of prosperity, incident to a 
 city destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat 
 government, and whose citizens do nothing in a hurry. 
 
 The sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding 
 chapter, not being able to determine upon any plan for 
 the building of their city, the cows, in a laudable fit of 
 patriotism, took it under their peculiar charge, and as 
 they went to and from pasture, established paihs through 
 the bushes, on each side of which the good f olka, built
 
 140 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 their houses ; -which is one cause of the ramblingf and 
 picturesque turns and labyrinths, which distinguish cer- 
 tain streets of Xew York at this very day. 
 
 The houses of the higher class were generally con- 
 structed of wood, excepting the gable end, which was of 
 small black and yellow Dutch bricks, and always faced 
 on the street, as our ancestors, like their descendants, 
 were very much given to outward show, and were noted 
 lor putting the best leg foremost. The house was always 
 furnished with abundance of large doors and small 
 windows on every floor, the date of its erection was 
 curiously designated by iron figures on the front, and on 
 the top of the roof was perched a fierce little weathercock, 
 to let the family into the important secret which way the 
 wind blew. These, like the weathercocks on the tops of 
 our steeples, pointed so many different ways, that every 
 man could have a wind to his mind ; — the most staunch 
 and loyal citizens, however, always went according to the 
 weathercock on the top of the governor's house, which 
 was certainly the most correct, as he had a trusty servant 
 employed every morning to climb up and set it to the 
 right quarter. 
 
 In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, a passion 
 for cleanliness was the leading principle in domestic 
 economy, and the universal test of an able housewife — a 
 character which formed the utmost ambition of our 
 unenlightened grandmothers. The front door was never 
 opened except on marriages, funerals, new year's days, 
 the festival of St. Nicholas, or some such great occasion. 
 It was ornamented with a gorgeous brass knocker, 
 curiously wrought, sometimes in the device of a dog, and 
 sometimes of a lion's head, and was daily burnished with 
 such religious zeal, that it was ofttimes worn out by the 
 very precautions taken for its preservation. The whole 
 house was constantly in a state of inundation, under the 
 discipline of mops and brooms and scrubbing brushes ;
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 141 
 
 and the good housewives of those days were a kind of 
 amphibious animal, delighting exceedingly to be dabbling 
 in water — insomuch that an historian of the day gravel}' 
 tells us, that many of his towns women grew to have 
 webbed fingers like unto a duck ; and some of them, he 
 had little doubt, could the matter be examined into, would 
 be found to have the tails of mermaids ; but this I look 
 upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or, what is worse, a 
 wilful misrepresentation. 
 
 The grand parlour was the sanctum sayictoruvi, where 
 the passion for cleaning was indulged without control. 
 In this sacred apartment no one was permitted to enter 
 excepting the mistress and her confidential maid, who 
 visited it once a week, for the purpose of giving it a 
 thorough cleaning, and putting things to rights ; always 
 taking the precaution of leaving their shoes at the door, 
 and entering devoutly on their stocking feet. After 
 scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white sand, 
 which was curiously stroked into angles, and curves, and 
 rhomboids with a broom ; after washing the windows, 
 rubbing and polishing the furniture, and putting a new 
 hunch of evergreens in the fireplace — the window shutters 
 were again closed to keep out the flies, and the room care- 
 fully locked up until the revolution of time brought 
 round the weekly cleaning day. 
 
 As to the family, they always entered in at the gat?, and 
 most generally lived in the kitchen. To have seen a 
 numerous household assembled round the fire, one would 
 have imagined that he was transported back to those 
 happy days of primeval simplicity, which float before our 
 imaginations like golden visions. The fireplaces were of 
 a truly patriarchal magnitude, where the whole family, 
 old and young, master and servant, black and white, nay. 
 even the very cat and dog, enjoyed a community of privi- 
 lege, and had each a right to a corner. Here the old 
 burgher would sit in perfect silence, puffing his pipe,
 
 142 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 looking in the fire ^vitll half -shut eyes, and thinking of 
 nothing for hoars together ; the goede vrouw, on the 
 opposite side, -would employ herself diligently in spinning 
 yarn or knitting stockings. The young folks would 
 crowd around the hearth, listening with breathless atten- 
 tion to some old crone of a negro, who was the oracle of 
 the family, and who, perched like a raven in the corner of 
 a chimney, would croak forth for a long winter afternoon 
 a string of incredible stories about New England witches, 
 grisly ghosts, horses without heads, and hairbreadth 
 escapes and bloody encounters among the Indians. 
 
 In those happy days a well-regulated family alwaj's rose 
 with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed at sunset. 
 Dinner was invariably a private meal, and the fat old 
 burghers showed incontestable signs of disapprobation 
 and uneasiness at being surprised by a visit from a neigh- 
 bour on such occasions. But though our worthy ancestors 
 were thus singularly averse to giving dinners, yet they 
 kept up the social bands of intimacy by occasional ban- 
 quettings, called tea-parties. 
 
 These fashionable parties were generally confined to 
 the higher classes, or noblesse ; that is to say, such as 
 kept their own cows and drove their own waggons. The 
 company commonly assembled at three o'clock, and went 
 away about six, unless it was in winter time, when the 
 fashionable hours were a little earlier, that the ladies 
 might get home iDcfore dark. The tea-table was crowned 
 with a huge earthen dish, well stored with slices of fat 
 pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels, and swimming in 
 gravy. The company being seated round the genial 
 board, and each furnished with a fork, evinced their 
 dexterity in launching at the fattest pieces in this 
 mighty dish — in much the same manner as sailors har- 
 poon porpoises at sea, or our Indians spear salmon in the 
 lakes. Sometimes the tal;le was graced with immense 
 upple-pies, or saucers full of preserved peaches and pears ;
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 143 
 
 but it was always sure to boast an enormous dish, of balls 
 of sweetened dough, fried in hog's fat. and called dough- 
 nuts, or olykoeks — a delicious kind of cake, at present 
 scarce known in this city, except in genuine Dutch 
 families. 
 
 The tea was served out of a majestic delf teapot, orna- 
 mented with paintings of fat little Dutch shepherds and 
 shepherdesses, tending pigs, with boats sailing in the 
 air, and houses built in the clouds, and sundry other 
 ingenious Dutch fantasies. The beaux distinguished 
 themselves by their adroitness in replenishing this pot 
 from a huge copper tea-kettle, which would have made 
 the pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days sweat 
 merely to look at it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump of 
 sugar was laid beside each cup, and the company alter- 
 nately nibbled and sipped with great decorum ; until an 
 improvement was introduced by a shrewd and economic 
 old lady, which was to suspend a large lump directly 
 over the tea-table by a string from the ceiling, so that it 
 could be swung from mouth to mouth — an ingenious ex- 
 pedient, which is still kept up by some families in 
 Albany, but which prevails without exception in Com- 
 munipaw, Bergen, Flatbush, and all our uncontaminated 
 Dutch villages. 
 
 At these primitive tea-parties the utmost propriety and 
 dignity of deportment prevailed. Xo flirting nor coquet- 
 ting — no gambling of old ladies, nor hoyden [chattering 
 and romping of young ones — no self-satisfied struttings 
 of wealthy gentlemen with their brains in their pockets 
 — nor amusing conceits and monkey divertissements of 
 smart young gentlemen with no brains at all. On the 
 contrary, the young ladies seated themselves demurely in 
 their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit their own woollen 
 stockings ; nor ever opened their lips excepting to say 
 *^yah Jlynhcer,'" or ^'yaJi ya Vi'ouw,'' to any question that 
 was asked them ; behaving, in all things, like decent,
 
 144 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 well-educated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each, of 
 them tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in con- 
 templation of the blue and white tiles with which the 
 fireplaces were decorated ; wherein sundry passages of 
 Scripture were piously portrayed — Tobit and his dog 
 figured to great advantage, Haman swung conspicuously 
 on his gibbet, and Jonah appeared most manfully bouncing 
 out of the whale like Harlequin through a barrel of fire. 
 
 The parties broke up without noise and without con- 
 fusion. They were carried home by their own carriages, 
 that is to say. by the vehicles nature had provided them, 
 excepting such of the wealthy as could afford to keep a 
 waggon. The gentlemen gallantly attended their fair 
 ones to their respective abodes, and took leave of them 
 with a hearty smack at the door ; which, as it was an 
 established piece of etiquette, done in perfect simplicity 
 and honesty of heart, occasioned no scandal at that time, 
 nor should it at the present. If our great-grandfathers 
 approved of the custom, it would argue a great want of 
 reverence in their descendants to say a word against it. 
 
 CHAPTER r 
 
 Is this dulcet period of my history, when the beauteous 
 island of Manna-hata presented a scene the yevy counter- 
 part of those glowing pictures drawn of the golden reign 
 of Saturn, there was, as I have before observed, a happy 
 ignorance, an honest simplicity prevalent among its in- 
 habitants, which, were I even able to depict, would be 
 but little understood by the degenerate age for which I am 
 doomed to write. Even the female sex, those arch inno- 
 vators upon the tranquillity, the honesty, and grey-beard 
 customs of society, seemed for a while to conduct them- 
 selves with incredible sobriety and comeliness. 
 
 Their hair, untortured by the abominations of art, waa 
 scrupulously pomatomed back from their foreheads with
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 145 
 
 a candle, and covered with, a little cap of quilted calico, 
 which fitted exactly to their heads. Their petticoats of 
 linsey-woolsey were striped with a variety of gorgeous 
 dyes — though I must confess these gallant garments 
 were rather short, scarce reaching below the knee ; but 
 then they made up in the number, which generally 
 equalled that of the gentleman's small clothes : and 
 what is still more praiseworthy, they were all of their 
 own manufacture — of which circumstance, as may well 
 be supposed, they were not a little vain. 
 
 These were the honest days, in which e^ery woman 
 stayed at home, read the Bible, and wore pockets — ay, and 
 that too of a goodly size, fashioned with patchwork into 
 many curious devices, and ostentatiously worn on the 
 outside. These, in fact, were convenient receptacles, 
 where all good housewives carefully stored away such 
 things as they wished to- have at hand, by which means 
 they often came to be incredibly crammed ; and I re- 
 member there was a story current, when I was a boy, that 
 the lady of "Wouter Van Twiller once had occasion to 
 empty her right pocket in search of a wooden ladle, when 
 the contents filled a couple of corn baskets, and the 
 utensil was discovered lying among some rubbish in one 
 corner ; but we must not give too much faith to all these 
 stories, the anecdotes of those remote periods being very 
 subject to exaggeration. 
 
 Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore 
 scissors and pincushions suspended from their girdles by 
 red ribands, or among the more opulent and showy classes 
 by brass, and ever> silver, chains, indubitable tokens of 
 thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters. I cannot 
 say much in vindication of the shortness of the petticoats ; 
 it doubtless was introduced for the purpose of giving the 
 stockings a chance to be seen, which were generally of 
 blue worsted, with magnificent red clocks ; or perhaps to 
 display a well-turned ankle, and a neat though service-
 
 146 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 able foot, set off "by a high-heeled leathern shoe, with a 
 large and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find that the 
 gentle sex in all ages have shown the same disposition to 
 infringe a little upon the laws of decorum, in order to 
 betray a lurking beauty, or gratify an innocent love of 
 finer3% 
 
 From the sketch here given, it will be seen that our 
 good grandmothers differed considerably in their ideas of 
 .a fine figure from their scantily-dressed descendants of 
 the present day. A fine lady, in those times, waddled 
 under more clothes, even on a fair summer's day, than 
 would have clad the whole bevy of a modern ball-room. 
 Xor were they the less admired by the gentlemen in con- 
 sequence thereof. On the contrary, the greatness of a 
 lover's passion seemed to increase in proportion to the 
 magnitude of its object ; and a voluminous damsel, 
 arrayed in a dozen of petticoats, was declared by a low 
 Dutch sonneteer of the province to be radiant as a sun- 
 flower, and luxuriant as a full-blown cabbage. Certain it 
 -is that in those days the heart of a lover could not con- 
 tain more than one lady at a time, whereas the heart of a 
 modern gallant has often room enough to accommodate 
 talf a dozen ; the reason of which I conclude to be, that 
 either the hearts of the gentlemen have grown larger, or 
 the persons of the ladies smaller ; this, however, is a 
 •question for physiologists to determine. 
 
 But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which, 
 no doubt, entered into the consideration of the prudent 
 gallants. The wardrobe of a lady was in those days her 
 only fortune ; and she who had a good stock of petticoats 
 and stockings was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kams- 
 chatka damsel with a store of bear-skins, or a Lapland 
 belle with a plenty of reindeer. The ladies, therefore, 
 were very anxious to display thet^e powerful attractions 
 to the greatest advantage ; and the best rooms in the 
 house, instead of being adorned with caricatures of Dame
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 147 
 
 Nature, in water-colours and needlework, were always 
 hung' round with abundance of homespun garments, the 
 manufacture and the property of the females ; a piece 
 of laudable ostentation that still prevails among the 
 heiresses of our Dutch villages. 
 
 The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the circles of 
 the gay world in these ancient times, corresponded, in 
 most particulars, with the beauteous damsels whose 
 smiles they were ambitious to deserve. True it is, their 
 merits would make but a very inconsiderable impression 
 upon the heart of a modern fair ; they neither drove 
 their curricles nor sported their tandems, for as yet those 
 gaudy vehicles were not even dreamt of ; neither did 
 they distinguish themselves by their brilliancy at the 
 table, and their consequent rencontres with watchmen, for 
 our forefathers were of too pacific a disposition to need 
 those guardians of the night, every soul throughout the 
 town being sound asleep before nine o'clock. Neither 
 did they establish their claims to gentility at the expense 
 of their tailors, for as yet those offenders against the 
 pockets of society, and the tranquillity of all aspiring' 
 young gentlemen were unknown in New Amsterdam ; 
 every good housewife made the clothes of her husband 
 and family, and even the goede vrouw of Van T wilier 
 himself thought it no disparagement to cut out her hus- 
 band's linsey-woolsey galligaskins. 
 
 Not but what there were some two or three youngsters 
 who manifested the first dawning of what is called fire 
 and spirit, who held all labo^^r in contempt, skulked about 
 docks and market-places, loitered in the sunshine, squan- 
 dered what little money they could procure at hustle-cap 
 and chuck-farthing ; swore, boxed, fought cocks, and 
 raced their neighbour's horses ; in short, who promised 
 to be the wonder, the talk, and abomination of the town, 
 had not their stylish career been unfortunately cut short 
 by an affair of honour with a whipping-post.
 
 148 HISTORY OF NEW YOB,K. 
 
 Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentle - 
 man of those days ; his dress, which served for both 
 morning and evening, street and drawing-room, was 
 a linsey-woolsey coat, made, perhaps, by the fair hands 
 of the mistress of his affections, and gallantly bedecked 
 with abundance of large brass buttons — half a score of 
 breeches heightened the proportions of his figure — his 
 shoes were decorated by enormous copper buckles — a low 
 crowned, broad-brimmed hat overshadowed his burly 
 Tisage, and his hair , dangled down his back in a pro- 
 digious queue of eelskin. 
 
 Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with pipe 
 in mouth to besiege some fair damsel's obdurate heart — 
 not such a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis did 
 sweetly tune in praise of his Galatea, but one of true delf 
 manufacture, and furnished with a charge of fragrant 
 tobacco. With this would he resolutely set himself down 
 before the fortress, and rarely failed, in the process of 
 time, to smoke the fair enemy into a surrender upon 
 honourable terms. 
 
 Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, cele- 
 brated in many a long-forgotten song as the real golden 
 age, the rest being nothing but counterfeit copper- washed 
 coin. In that delightful period a sweet and holy calm 
 reigned over the whole province. The burgomaster 
 smoked his pipe in peace ; the substantial solace of his 
 domestic cares, after her daily toils were done, sat soberly 
 r.t the door, with her arms crossed over her apron of 
 snowy white, withoui being insulted by ribald street- 
 walkers or vagabond boys — those unlucky urchins who 
 do so infest our streets, displaying under the roses of 
 youth the thorns and briars of iniquity. Then it was 
 that the lover with ten breeches, and the damsel with 
 petticoats of half a score, indulged in all the innocent 
 endearments of virtuous love without fear and without 
 reproach ; for what had that virtue to fear which was
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 149 
 
 defended by a shield of good linsey-wolseys, equal at least 
 to the seven bull-hides of the invincible Ajax / 
 
 Ah ! blissful and never to be forgotten age ! when 
 everything was better than it has ever been since, or ever 
 will be again — when Buttermilk Channel was quite dry 
 at low water — when the shad in the Hudson were all 
 salmon, and when the moon shone with a pure and re- 
 splendent whiteness, instead of that melancholy yellow 
 light which is the consequence of her sickening at the 
 abominations she every night witnesses in this degenerate 
 city! 
 
 Happy would it have been for New Amsterdam could it 
 always have existed in this state of blissful ignorance and 
 lowly simplicity ; but, alas ! the days of childhood are too 
 sweet to last. Cities, like men, grow out of them in 
 time, and are doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the 
 cares, and miseries of the world. Let no man congratulate 
 himself when he beholds the child of his bosom, or the 
 city of his birth, increasing in magnitude and importance ; 
 let the history of his own life teach him the dangers of 
 the one, and this excellent little history of Manna-hata 
 convince him of the calamities of the other. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 It has already been mentioned that, in the early times 
 of Oloffe the Dreamer, a frontier post, or trading house, 
 called Fort Aurania, had been established on the upper 
 waters of the Hudson, precisely on the site of the present 
 venerable city of Albany, which was at time considered 
 at the very end of the habitable world. It was, indeed, a 
 remote possession, with which, for a long time. Xew 
 Amsterdam held but little intercourse. Xow and then 
 the " Company's Yacht," as it \\ as called, was sent to the 
 Fort with supplies, and to bring away the peltries which 
 had been purchased of the Indians. It was like aa
 
 150 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 expedition to the Indias, or the Xorth Pole, and always 
 made great talk in the settlement. Sometimes an ad- 
 venturous burgher would accompany the expedition, to 
 the great uneasiness of his friends : but, on his return, 
 had so many stories to tell of storms and tempests on the 
 Tappan Zee, of hobgoblins in the Highlands and at the 
 Devil's Dans Kammer, and of all the other wonders and 
 perils with which the river abounded in those early days, 
 that he deterred the less adventurous inhabitants from 
 following his example. 
 
 Matters were in this state, when, one day, as Walter 
 the Doubter and his burgermeesters were smoking and 
 pondering over the affairs of the province, they were 
 roused by the report of a cannon. Sallying forth, they 
 beheld a strange vessel at anchor in the bay ; it was un- 
 questionably of Dutch build, broad-bottomed and high- 
 pooped, and bore the flag of their High Mightinesses at 
 the mast-head. 
 
 After a while a boat put off for land, and a stranger 
 stepped on shore, a lofty, lordly kind of man, tall and 
 dry, with a meagre face, furnished with huge mustachios. 
 He was clad in Flemish doublet and hose, and an in- 
 sufferably tall hat, with a cocktail feather. Such was the 
 pati'oon Killian Van Rensellaer, who had come out from 
 Holland to found a colony or patroonship on a great tract 
 of wild land, granted to him by their High Mightinesses 
 the Lords States G-eneral, in the upper regions of the 
 Hudson. 
 
 Killian Van Rensellaer was a nine days' wonder in 
 New Amsterdam, for he carried a high head, looked down 
 upon the portly, short-legged burgomasters, and owned 
 no allegiance to the governor himself ; boasting that he 
 held his patroonship directly from the Lords States 
 General. 
 
 He tarried but a short time in New Amsterdam, 
 merely to beat up recruits for his colony. Few, however.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 161 
 
 ventured to enlist for those remote and savaj^e regions : 
 and when they embarked, their friends took leave of 
 them as if they should never see them more ; and stood 
 gazing- with tearful eye as the stout, round-sterned little 
 vessel ploughed and splashed its way up the Hudson, with 
 great noise and little progress, taking nearly a day to get 
 out of sight of the city. 
 
 And now, from time to time, floated down tidings to 
 the Manhattoes of the growing importance of this new 
 colony. Every account represented Killian Van Ren- 
 sellaer as rising in importance and becoming a mighty 
 patroon in the land. He had received more recruits from 
 Holland. His patroonship of Rensellaerwick lay im- 
 mediately below Fort Aurania, and extended for several 
 miles on each side of the Hudson, beside embracing the 
 mountainous region of the Helderberg. Over all this he 
 claimed to hold separate jurisdiction independent of the 
 colonial authorities at New Amsterdam. 
 
 All these assumptions of authority were duly reported 
 to Governor Van Twiller and his council, by dispatches 
 from Fort Aurania ; at each new report the governor and 
 his counsellors looked at each other, raised their eyebrows, 
 gave an extra pufE or two of smoke, and then relapsed 
 into their usually tranquillity. 
 
 At length tidings came that the patroon of Rensellaer- 
 wick had extended his usurpations along the river, 
 beyond the limits granted him by their High Mighti- 
 nesses ; and that he had even seized upon a rocky island in. 
 the Hudson, commonly known by the name of Beern or 
 Bear's Island ; where he was erecting a fortress, to be 
 called by the lordly name of Rensellaersteen. 
 
 "Wouter Van Twiller was roused by this intelligence, 
 After consulting with his burgomasters, he dispatched a 
 letter to the patroon of Rensellaerwick, demanding by 
 what right he had seized upon this island, which lay 
 beyond the bounds of his patroonship. The answer of
 
 152 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 Killian Van Rensellaer was in his own lordly style, " By 
 u-apen recJit /" that is to say, by the right of arms, or in 
 common parlance, by club-law. This answer plunged the 
 worthy Wouter in one of the deepest doubts he had in the 
 whole course of his administration ; in the meantime 
 while Wouter doubted, the lordly Killian went on to finish 
 his fortress of Rensellaersteen, about which I foresee I 
 shall have something to record in a future chapter of this 
 most eventful history. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 In the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and 
 four, on a fine afternoon in the glowing month of Sep- 
 tember, I took my customary walk iipon the battery, 
 which is at once the pride and bulwark of. this ancient 
 and impregnable city of New York. The ground on 
 which I trod was hallowed by recollections of the past, 
 and as I slowly wandered through the long alley of 
 poplars, which, like so many birch-brooms standing on 
 end, diffused a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my 
 imagination drew a contrast between the surrounding 
 scenery, and what it was in the classic days of our fore- 
 fathers. A\Tiere the government house by name, but the 
 custom house by occupation, proudly reared its brick 
 walls and wooden pillars, there whilom stood the low, 
 but substantial red-tiled mansion of the renowned 
 Wouter Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bulwarks of 
 Fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to every absent foe ; 
 but, like many a whiskered warrior and gallant militia 
 captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone. 
 The mud breastworks had long been levelled with the 
 earth, and their site converted into the green lawns and 
 leafy alleys of the battery, where the gay apprentice 
 sported his Sunday coat, and the laborious mechanic, 
 relieved from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 153 
 
 his weekly tale of love into the half -averted ear of the 
 sentimental chambermaid. The capacious bay still pre- 
 sented the same expansive sheet of water, studded with 
 islands, sprinkled with fishing boats, and bounded by shores 
 of picturesque beauty. But the dark forests which once 
 clothed those shores had been violated by the savage 
 hand of cultivation, and their tangled mazes and impene- 
 trable thickets had degenerated into teeming orchards 
 and waving fields of grain. Even Governor's Island, 
 once a smiling garden appertaining to the sovereigns of 
 the province, was now covered with fortifications, in- 
 closing a tremendous block-house ; so that this once 
 peaceful island resembled a fierce little warrior in a big 
 cocked hat, breathing gunpowder and defiance to the 
 world ! 
 
 For some time did I indulge in a pensive train of 
 thought, contrasting in sober sadness the present day 
 with the hallowed years behind the mountains, lamenting 
 the melancholy progress of improvement, and praising 
 the zeal with which our worthy burghers endeavour to 
 preserve the wrecks of venerable customs, prejudices, and 
 errors, from the overwhelming tide of modern innova- 
 tion ; when, by degrees, my ideas took a different turn, 
 and I insensibly awakened to an enjoj^ment of the 
 beauties around me. 
 
 It was one of those rich autumnal days, which heaven 
 particularly bestows upon the beauteous island of Manna- 
 hata and its vicinity ; not a floating cloud obscured tne 
 azure firmament ; the sun rolling in glorious splendour 
 through his ethereal course, seemed to expand his honest, 
 Dutch countenance into an unusual expression of bene- 
 volence, as he smiled his evening salutation upon a city 
 v.'hich he delights to visit with his most bounteous beams : 
 the very winds seemed to hold in their breaths in mute 
 attention, lest they should ruffle the tranquillity of tha
 
 154 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 hour ; and the waveless bosom of the bay presented a 
 polished mirror, in which Nature beheld herself and 
 smiled. The standard of our city, reserved like a choice 
 handkerchief for d&js of gala, hung motionless on the 
 flag-staff, which forms the handle of a gigantic churn ; 
 and even the tremulous leaves of the poplar and the 
 aspen ceased to vibrate to the breath of heaven. Every- 
 thing seemed to acquiesce in the profound repose of 
 Nature. The formidable eighteen-pounders slept in the 
 embrasures of the wooden batteries, seemingly gathering- 
 fresh strength to fight the battles of their country on 
 the next fourth of July ; the solitary drum on Governor's 
 Island forgot to call the garrison to their shovels ; the 
 evening gun had not yet sounded its signal for all the 
 regular well-meaning poultry throughout the country to 
 go to roost ; and the fleet of canoes at anchor between 
 Gibbet Island and Communipaw slumbered on their 
 rakes, and suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while 
 unmolested in the soft mud of their native banks. My 
 own feelings sympathised with the contagious tran- 
 quillity, and I should infallibly have dozed upon one of 
 those fragments of benches which our benevolent magis- 
 trates have provided for the benefit of convalescent 
 loungers had not the extraordinary inconvenience of the 
 couch set all repose at defiance. 
 
 In the midst of this slumber of the soul my attention 
 was attracted to a black speck, peering above the western 
 horizon, just in the rear of Bergen steeple ; gradually it 
 augments and overhangs the would-be cities of Jersey, 
 Harsimus, and Hoboken, which, like three jockeys, are 
 starting on the course of existence, and jostling each 
 other at the commencement of the race. Now it skirts the 
 longshore of ancient Pavonia, spreading its wide shadows 
 from the high settlements of Weehawk quite to the laza- 
 retto and quarantine, erected by the sagacity of our police
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 155 
 
 for the embarrassment of commerce ; now it climbs the 
 serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling over cloud, shroud- 
 ing the orb of day, darkening the vast expanse, and bear- 
 ing thunder, and hail, and tempest, in its bosom. The 
 €arth seems agitated at the confusion of the heavens — 
 the late waveless mirror is lashed into furious waves, 
 that roll in hollow murmurs to the shore — the oyster 
 boats that erst sported in the placid vicinity of Gibbet 
 Island, now hurry affrighted to the land — the poplar 
 writhes and twists, and whistles in the blast — torrents of 
 drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the battery 
 walks — the gates are thronged by apprentices, servant- 
 maids, and little Frenchmen, with pocket-handkerchiefs 
 over their hats, scampering from the storm — the late 
 beauteous prospect presents one scene of anarchy and 
 wild uproar, as though old Chaos had resumed his reign, 
 and was hurling back into one vast turmoil the conflict- 
 ing elements of Nature. 
 
 Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained 
 boldly at my post, as our gallant train-band captains, 
 who march their soldiers through the rain without 
 flinching, are points which I leave to the conjecture of 
 the reader. It is possible he may be a little perplexed 
 also to know the reason why I introduced this tre- 
 mendous tempest to disturb the serenity of my work. 
 On this latter point I will gratuitously instruct his 
 ignorance. The panorama view of the battery w^as 
 given merely to gratify the reader with a correct de- 
 scription of that celebrated place, and the parts adja- 
 cent ; secondly, the storm was played off partly to give 
 a little bustle and life to this tranquil part of my work, 
 and to keep my drowsy readers from falling asleep, 
 and partly to serve as an overture to the tempestuous 
 times which are about to assail the pacific province of 
 iXieuw Xederlandts, and which overhang the slumbrous
 
 156 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 administration of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. It is 
 thus the experienced playwright puts all the fiddles, the 
 French-horns, the kettle-drums, and trumpets of his 
 orchestra, in requisition, to usher in one of those horrible 
 and brimstone uproars called melodrames ; and it is thus 
 he discharges his thunder, his lightning, his rosin, and 
 saltpetre, preparatory to the rising of a ghost, or the 
 murdering of a hero. We will now proceed with our 
 history. 
 
 Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to the 
 contrary, I am of opinion that, as to nations, the old 
 maxim, that " honesty is the best policy," is a sheer and 
 ruinous mistake. It might have answered well enough 
 in the honest times when it was made ; but, in these 
 degenerate days, if a nation pretends to rely merely upon 
 the justice of its dealings, it will fare something like the 
 honest man who fell among thieves, and found his 
 honesty a poor protection against bad company. Such, 
 at least, was the case with the guileless government of 
 the New Netherlands ; which, like a worthy, unsus- 
 picious old burgher, quietly settled itself down in the 
 city of New Amsterdam as into a snug elbow-chair, and 
 fell into a comfortable nap, while, in the meantime, its 
 cunning neighbours stepped in and picked its pockets. 
 In a word, we may ascribe the commencement of all the 
 woes of this great province and its magnificent metro- 
 polis to the tranquil security, or, to speak more accurately, 
 to the unfortunate honesty of its government. But as I 
 dislike to begin an important part of my history towards 
 the end of a chapter; and as my readers, like myself, 
 must doubtless be exceedingly fatigued with the long 
 walk we have taken, and the tempest we have sustained, 
 I hold it meet we shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and 
 having thus refreshed our spirits, take a fair start in a 
 new chapter.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 157 
 
 CHAPTER YII. 
 That m}^ readers may the more fully comprehend the 
 extent of the calamity at this yery moment impending 
 over the honest, unsuspecting province of Xieuw Xeder- 
 landts and its dubious governor, it is necessary that I 
 should give some account of a horde of strange bar- 
 barians bordering upon the eastern frontier. 
 
 Now so it came to pass that, many years previous to 
 the time of which we are treating, the sage Cabinet of 
 England had adopted a certain national creed, a kind of 
 public walk of faith, or rather a religious turnpike, in. 
 which every loyal subject was directed to travel to Zion, 
 taking care to pay the toll-gatherers by the way. 
 
 Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very much 
 given to indulge their own opinions on all manner of 
 subjects (a propensity exceedingly offensive to your free 
 governments of Europe), did most presumptuously dare 
 to think for themselves in matters of religion, exercising 
 what they considered a natural and unextinguishable 
 right — the liberty of conscience. 
 
 As, however, they possessed that ingenuous habit of 
 mind which always thinks aloud — which rides cock-a- 
 hoop on the tongue, and is for ever galloping into other 
 people's ears — it naturally followed that their liberty 
 of conscience likewise implied liberty of speech, which 
 being freely indulged, soon put the country in a hubbub, 
 and aroused the pious indignation of the vigilant fathers 
 of the Church. 
 
 The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, 
 which in those days were considered efficacious in 
 bringing back stray sheep to the fold ; that is to say, 
 they were coaxed, they were admonished, they were 
 menaced, they were buffeted — line upon line, precept 
 upon precept, lash upon lash, here a little and there a
 
 158 HISTORY OF NEW YORK^ 
 
 great deal, were exhausted without mercy and without 
 success ; until the worthy pastors of the Church, wearied 
 out by their unparalleled stubbornness, were driven in 
 the excess of their tender mercy to adopt the Scripture 
 text, and literally to '' heap live embers on their heads." 
 
 Nothing, however, could subdue that independence of 
 the tongue which has ever distinguished this singular 
 race, so that, rather than subject that heroic member to 
 further tyranny, they one and all embarked for the 
 wilderness of America, to enjoy, unmolested, the inestim- 
 able right of talking. And, in fact, no sooner did they 
 land upon the shore of this free-spoken country, than 
 they all lifted up their voices, and made such a clamour 
 of tongues, that we are told they frightened every bird 
 and beast out of the neighbourhood, and struck such 
 mute terror into certain fish, that they have been called 
 dumb-fish ever since. 
 
 This may appear marvellous, but it is nevertheless 
 true ; in proof of which I would observe, that the 
 dumb-fish has ever since become an object of supersti- 
 tious reverence, and forms the Saturday's dinner of every 
 true Yankee. 
 
 The simple aborigines of the land for a while con- 
 templated these strange folk in utter astonishment, but 
 discovering that they wielded harmless, though noisy 
 weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, good-humoured 
 race of men, they became very friendly and sociable, and 
 gave them the name of Yanokies, which in the Mais- 
 Tchusaeg (or Massachusett) language signifies silent men 
 — a waggish appellation, since shortened into the familiar 
 epithet of Yankees, which they retain unto the present 
 day. 
 
 True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will not 
 allow me to pass over the fact, that having served a re- 
 gular apprenticeship in the school of persecution, these
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 159 
 
 ingenious people soon showed that they had become 
 masters of the art. The great majority were of one 
 particular mode of thinking in matters of religion ; but, 
 to their great surprise and indignation, they found that 
 divers Papists, Quakers, and Anabaptists were springing 
 up among them, and all claiming to use the liberty of 
 speech. This was at once pronounced a daring abuse of 
 the liberty of conscience, which they now insisted was 
 nothing more than the liberty to think as one pleased in 
 matters of religion, provided one thought right ; for 
 otherwise it would be giving a latitude to damnable 
 heresies. Now as thej-, the majority, were convinced 
 that they alone thought right, it consequently followed 
 that whoever thought different from them thought 
 wrong ; and whoever thought wrong, and obstinately 
 persisted in not being convinced and converted, was a 
 flagrant violator of the incistimable liberty of conscience, 
 and a corrupt and infectious member of the body politic, 
 and deserved to be lopped off and cast into the fire. The 
 consequence of all w^hich was a fiery persecution of divers 
 sects, and especially of Quakers. 
 
 Xow I'll warrant there are hosts of my readers ready 
 at once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that 
 virtuous indignation with which we contemplate the 
 faults and errors of our neighbours, and to exclaim ar 
 the preposterous idea of convincing the mind by torment- 
 ing the body, and establishing the docti-ine of charity and 
 forbearance by intolerant persecution. But, in simple 
 truth, what are we doing at this very day, and in this 
 very enlightened nation, but acting upon the very same 
 principle in our political controversies ? Have we not, 
 within but a few years, released ourselves from the 
 shackles of a government which cruelly denied us the 
 privilege of governing ourselves, and using in full 
 latitude that invaluable member, the tongue ? and are we
 
 160 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 not at this very moment striving onr best to tyrannise 
 over the opinions, tie up the tongues, and ruin the 
 fortunes of one another ? What are our great political 
 societies but mere political inquisitions — our pot-house 
 committees but little tribunals of denunciation — our 
 newspapers but mere whipping-posts and pillories, where 
 unfortunate individuals are pelted with rotten eggs — 
 and our council of appointment but a grand auto-da-fe, 
 where culprits are annually sacrificed for their political 
 heresies ? 
 
 Where, then, is the difference in principle between our 
 measures and those you are so ready to condemn among 
 the people I am treating of ? There is none ; the 
 difference is merely circumstantial. Thus we denounce, 
 instead of banishing — we libel, instead of scourging — we 
 turn out of office, instead of hanging — and where they 
 burnt an offender in proper person, we either tar and 
 feather, or burn him in effigy — this political persecution 
 being, somehow or other, the grand palladium of our 
 liberties, and an incontrovertible proof that this is a free 
 country ! 
 
 But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this 
 Loly war was prosecuted against the whole race of 
 unbelievers, we do not find that the population of this 
 new colony was in anywise hindered thereby ; on the 
 contrary, they multiplied to a degree which would be 
 incredible to any man unacquainted wath the marvellous 
 fecundity of this growing country. 
 
 This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly ascribed 
 to a singular custom prevalent among them, commonly 
 known by the name of bundling — a superstitious rite 
 oljserved by the young people of both sexes, with which 
 they usually terminated their festivities, and which was 
 k'.'pt up with religious strictness by the more bigoted part 
 of the community. This ceremony was likewise, in those
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 161 
 
 primitive times, considered as an indispensable pre- 
 liminary to matrimony, their courtships commencing- 
 where ours usually finish ; by which means they acquired 
 that intimate acquaintance with each other's good 
 qualities before marriage, which has been pronounced by 
 philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. Thus 
 early did this cunning and ingenious people display a 
 shrewdness of making a bargain which has ever since 
 distinguished them, and a strict adherence to the good 
 old vulgar maxim about " buying a pig in a poke." 
 
 To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly 
 attribute the unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or 
 Yankee race : for it is a certain fact, well authenticated 
 by court records and parish registers, that wherever the 
 practice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing 
 number of sturdy brats annually born unto the state, 
 without the licence of the law or the benefit of clergy. 
 Neither did the irregularity of their birth operate in the 
 least to their disparagement. On the contrary, they 
 grew up a long-sided, raw-boned, hardy race of whalers, 
 wood-cutters, fishermen, and pedlars, aud strapping 
 corn-fed wenches, who, by their united efforts, tended 
 marvellously towards peopling those notable tracts of 
 country called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 In the last chapter I have given a faithful and unpre- 
 judiced account of the origin of that singular race of 
 people inhabiting the country eastward of the Nieuw 
 Nederlandts, but I have yet to mention certain peculiar 
 habits which rendered them exceedingly annoying to our 
 ever-honoured Dutch ancestors. 
 The most prominent of these was a certain rambling 
 r-77
 
 162 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 propensity with whicli, like the sons of Ishmacl, they 
 seem to have been gifted by Heaven, and which con- 
 tinually goads them on to shift their residence from jjlace 
 to place, so that a Yankee farmer is in a constant state 
 of migration, tarrybicj occasionally here and there, clear- 
 ing lands for other people to enjoy, building houses for 
 others to inhabit, and in a manner may be considered the 
 wandering Arab of America. 
 
 His first thought, on coming to the years of manhood, 
 is to settle himself in the world — which means nothing 
 more nor less than to begin his rambles. To this end 
 he takes unto himself for a wife some buxom country 
 heiress, passing rich in red ribbons, glass beads, and 
 mock - tortoiseshell combs, with a white gown and 
 morocco shoes for Sunday, and deeply skilled in the 
 mystery of making apple sweetmeats, long sauce, and 
 pumpkin pie. 
 
 Having thus provided himself, like a pedlar, with a 
 heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders 
 through the journey of life, he literally sets out on the 
 peregrination. His whole family, household furniture, 
 and farming utensils are hoisted into a covered cart ; his 
 own and his wife's wardrobe packed up in a firkin ; 
 which done, he shoulders his axe, takes staff in hand, 
 whistles " Yankee doodle," and trudges off to the woods, 
 as confident of the protection of Providence, and rely- 
 ing as cheerfully upon his own resources, as did ever a 
 patriarch of yore, when he journeyed into a strange 
 country of the Gentiles. Having buried himself in the 
 wilderness, he builds himself a log hut, clears away a 
 corn-field and potato patch, and, Providence smiling upon 
 his labours, is soon surrounded by a snug farm and some 
 half a score of flaxen-headed urchins, who, by their size, 
 seem to have sprung all at once out of the earth like a 
 croj) of toadstools.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 163 
 
 Rut it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of 
 ppeculators to rest contented with any state of sublunary 
 enjoyment ; imjn'nvenient is his darling passion, and 
 having thus improved his lands, the next care is to pro- 
 vide a mansion worthy the residence of a landholder. A 
 huge palace of pine boards immediately springs up in the 
 midst of the wilderness, large enough for a parish church, 
 and furnished with windows of all dimensions, but so 
 rickety and flimsy withal, that every blast gives it a fit 
 of the ague. 
 
 By the time the outside of this mighty air castle is 
 completed, either the funds or the zeal of our adventurer 
 are exhausted, so that he barely manages to half finish 
 one room within, where the whole family burrow to- 
 gether, while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing 
 of pumpkins, or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is 
 decorated with fanciful festoons of dried apples and 
 peaches. The outside, remaining unpainted, grows vener- 
 ably black with time ; the family wardrobe is laid under 
 contribution for old hats, petticoats, and breeches, to 
 stuff into the broken windows, while the four winds of 
 heaven keep up a whistling and howling about this 
 aerial palace, and play as many unruly gambols as they 
 did of yore in the cave of old ^olus. 
 
 The humble log hut which whilom nestled this iin- 
 2Jroving family snugly within its narrow but comfortable 
 walls, stands hard by, in ignominious contrast, degraded 
 into a cow-house or pig-sty ; and the whole scene reminds 
 one forcibly of a fable, which I am surprised has never 
 been recorded, of an aspiring snail who abandoned his 
 humble habitation, which he had long filled with great 
 respectability, to crawl into the empty shell of a lobster, 
 where he would no doubt have resided with great style 
 and splendour, the envy and the hate of all the pains- 
 taking snails in the neighbourhood, had he not perished 
 with cold in one comer of his stupendous mansion.
 
 164; HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 Being thus completely settled, and, to use his own 
 words, "to rights," one would imagine that he would 
 begin to enjoy the comforts of his situation, to read 
 newspapers, talk politics, neglect his own business, and 
 attend to the affairs of the nation like a useful and 
 patriotic citizen ; but now it is that his wayward dis- 
 position begins again to operate. He soon grows tired of a 
 spot where there is no longer any room for improvement 
 — sells his farm, air castle, petticoat windows and all, 
 reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself at the 
 head of his family, and wanders away in search of new 
 lands — again to fell trees — again to clear corn-fields — 
 again to build a shingle palace, and again to sell off and 
 wander. 
 
 Su.ch were the people of Connecticut, who bordered 
 upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw Nederlandts, and my 
 readers may easily imagine what uncomfortable neigh- 
 bours this light-hearted but restless tribe must have been 
 to our tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I would ask 
 them if they have ever known one of our regular, well- 
 organised Dutch families, whom it hath pleased Heaven to 
 afflict with the neighbourhood of a French boarding- 
 house? The honest old burgher cannot take his after- 
 noon's pipe on the bench before his door but he is 
 persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, the chattering of 
 women, and the squalling of children ; he cannot sleep at 
 night for the horrible melodies of some amateur, who 
 chooses to serenade the moon, and display his terrible pro- 
 ficiency in exrcAition on the clarionet, hautboy, or some 
 other soft-toned instrument ; nor can he leave the street 
 door open, but his house is defiled by the unsavoury visits 
 of a troop of pug dogs, w^ho even sometimes carry their 
 loathsome ravages into the sanctum sanctorum, the 
 parlour. 
 
 If mv readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of such
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YOKK. 165 
 
 a family, so situated, they may form some idea how our 
 worthy ancestors were distressed by their mercurial 
 neighbours of Connecticut. 
 
 Gangs of these marauders, we are told, penetrated into 
 the New-Xetherland settlements, and threw whole vil- 
 lages into consternation by their unparalleled volubility, 
 and their intolerable inquisitiveness — two evil habits 
 hitherto unknown in those parts, or only known to be 
 abhorred ; for our ancestors were noted as being men of 
 truly Spartan taciturnity, and who neither knew nor 
 cared aught about anybody's concerns but their own. 
 Many enormities were committed on the highways, where 
 several unoffending burghers were brought to a stand, 
 and tortured with questions and guesses, which outrages 
 occasioned as much vexation and heart-burning as does 
 the modern right of search on the high seas. 
 
 Great jealousy did they likewise stir up by their inter- 
 meddling and successes among the divine sex, for being a 
 race of brisk, likely, pleasant-tongued varlets, they soon 
 seduced the light affections of the simple damsels from 
 their ponderous Dutch gallants. Among other hideous 
 customs, they attempted to introduce among them that of 
 bundling, which the Dutch lasses of the Xederlandts, with 
 that eager passion for novelty and foreign fashions 
 natural to their sex, seemed very well inclined to follow, 
 but that their mothers, being more experienced in the 
 world, and better acquainted with men and things, 
 strenuously discountenanced all such outlandish innova- 
 tions. 
 
 But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors with 
 these strange folk was an imwarrantable liberty which 
 they occasionally took of entering in hordes into the 
 territories of the New Netherlands, and settling themselves 
 down, without leave or licence, to improve the land in the 
 manner I have before noticed. This unceremonious mode
 
 166 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 of taking possession of new land was technically termed 
 squatting, and hence is derived the appellation of squat- 
 ters, a name odious in the ears of all great landholders, 
 and which is given to those enterprising worthies who 
 seize upon land first, and take their chance to make good 
 their title to it afterwards. 
 
 All these grievances, and many others which were con- 
 stantly accumulating, tended to form that dark and 
 portentous cloud which, as I observed in a former chapter, 
 was slowly gathering over the tranquil province of New 
 Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of Van Twiller, how- 
 ever, as will be perceived in the sequel, bore them all with 
 a magnanimity that redounds to their immortal credit, 
 becoming by passive endurance inured to this increasing 
 mass of wrongs, like that mighty man of old, who by 
 dint of carrying about a calf from the time it was 
 born, continued to carry it without difficulty when it had 
 grown to be an ox. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 By this time my readers must fully perceive what an 
 arduous task I have undertaken — exploring a little kind 
 of Herculaneum of history, which had lain nearly for 
 ages buried under the rubbish of years, and almost totally 
 forgotten ; raking up the limbs and fragments of dis- 
 jointed facts, and endeavouring to put them scrupulously 
 together, so as to restore them to their original form and 
 connection ; now lugging forth the character of an almost 
 forgotten hero, like a mutilated statue ; now deciphering 
 a half-defaced inscription, and now lighting upon a 
 mouldering manuscript, which, after painful study, scarce 
 repays the trouble of perusal. 
 
 In such case how much has the reader to depend upon 
 the honour and probity of his author, lest, like a cunning
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 1G7 
 
 nntiquarian, he either impose upon him some spurious 
 fabrication of his own for a precious relic from antiquity, 
 or else dress up the dismembered fragment with such 
 false trappin.^-s, that it is scarcely possible to distinguish 
 the truth from the fiction with which it i^ enveloped. 
 This is a grievance which I have more than once had 
 to lament, in the course of my wearisome researches 
 among- the works of my fellow-historians, who have 
 strangely disguised and distorted the facts respecting this 
 country, and particularly respecting the great province 
 of Xew Netherlands, as will be perceived by any who 
 will take the trouble to compare their romantic effusions, 
 tricked out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with this 
 authentic history. 
 
 I have had more vexations of the kind to encounter, in 
 those parts of my history which treat of the transactions 
 on the eastern border than in any other, in consequence 
 of the troops of historians who have infested those quar- 
 ters, and have shown the honest people of Xieuw Neder- 
 landts no mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. 
 Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly declares that '■ the Dutch 
 were always mere intruders." Xow, to this I shall make 
 no other reply than to proceed in the steady narration of 
 my history, which will contain not only proofs that the 
 Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair valleys of 
 the Connecticut, and that they were wrongfully dispos- 
 sessed thereof, but, likewise, that they have been scandal- 
 ously maltreated ever since by the misrepresentations of 
 the crafty historians of Xew England. And in this I shall 
 be guided by a spirit of truth and impartiality, and a 
 regard to immortal fame ; for I would not wittingly dis- 
 honour my work by a single falsehood, misrepresentation, 
 or prejudice, though it should gain our forefathers the 
 ■whole country of Xew England. 
 
 I have already noticed, in a former chapter of my
 
 168 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 
 
 history, that the territories of the Nieuw-Xederlandts ex- 
 tended on the east quite to the Varsche, or Fresh, or Con- 
 necticut river. Here, at an early period, had been estab- 
 lished a frontier post on the bank of the river, and called 
 Fort Goed Hoop, not far from the site of the present fair 
 city of Hartford. It ^vas placed under the command of 
 Jacobus Van Curlet, or Carlis. as some historians will have 
 it, a douo'hty soldier, of that stomachf ul class famous for 
 eating all they kill. He was long- in the body and short 
 in the limb, as thoug-h a tall man's body had been mounted 
 on a little man's leg-s. He made up for this turnspit con- 
 struction by striding- to such an extent, that you would 
 have sworn he had on the seven-leag-ued boots of Jack 
 the Giant-Killer ; and so higfh did he tread on parade, 
 that his soldiers were sometimes alarmed lest he should 
 trample himself under foot. 
 
 But notwithstanding- the erection of this fort, and the 
 appointment of this ug'ly little man of war as commander, 
 the Yankees continued the interlopings hinted at in my 
 last chapter, and at leng-th had the audacity to squat 
 themselves down within the jurisdiction of Fort Goed 
 Hoop. 
 
 The long'-bodied Van Curlet protested with g-reat spirit 
 against these unwarrantable encroachments, couching 
 his protest in Low Dutch, by way of inspiring more 
 terror, and forthwith despatched a copy of the protest to 
 the governor at New Amsterdam, together with a long 
 and bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This 
 done, he ordered his men, one and all, to be of good cheer, 
 shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipes, went to 
 bed, and awaited the result witli a resolute and intrepid 
 tranquillity, that greatly animated his adherents, and, no 
 doubt, struck sore dismay and aifright into tlie hearts of 
 the enemy. 
 
 Now it came to pass that, about this time, the renowned
 
 I 
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 169 
 
 ■Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and honours, and 
 council dinners, had reached the period of life and faculty 
 which, according- to the great Gulliver, entitles a man 
 to admission into the ancient order of Struldbrugg-s. He 
 employed his time in smoking his Turkish pipe amid an 
 assemblage of sages equally enlightened, and nearly as 
 venerable, as himself, and who, for their silence, their 
 gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious averseness to 
 coming to any conclusion in business, are only to be 
 equalled by certain profound corporations which I have 
 known in my time. Upon reading the protest of the gallant 
 Jacobus Van Curlet, therefore. His Excellency fell straight- 
 way into one of the deepest doubts that ever he was known 
 to encounter ; his capacious head gradually drooped on 
 his chest, he closed his eyes, and inclined his ear to one 
 side, as if listening with great attention to the discussion 
 that was going on in his belly, and which all who knew him 
 declared to be the huge court-house or council-chamber of 
 his thoughts, forming to his head what the House of Ptepre- 
 sentatives does to the senate. An inarticulate sound, very 
 much resembling a snore, occasionally escaped him; but the 
 nature of this internal cogitation was never known, as 
 he never opened his lips on the subject to man, woman, or 
 child. In the meantime, the protest of Van Curlet lay 
 quietly on the table, where it served to light the pipes of 
 the venerable sages assembled in council ; and, in the great 
 smoke which they raised, the gallant Jacobus, his protest, 
 and his mighty fort Goed Hoop, were soon as completely 
 beclouded and forgotten, as is a question of emergency 
 swallowed up in the speeches and resolutions of a modern 
 session of Congress. 
 
 There are certain emergencies when your profound 
 legislators and sage deliberative councils are mightily 
 in the way of a nation, and when an ounce of hair-brained 
 decision is worth a pound of sage doubt and cautious
 
 170 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 discussion. Sucli, at least, was the case at present ; for 
 while the renowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily 
 battling with his doubts, and his resolution growing 
 weaker and weaker in the contest, the enemy pushed 
 farther and farther into his territories, and assumed a 
 most formidable appearance in the neighbourhood of the 
 Fort Goed Hoop. Here they founded the mighty town of 
 Pyquag, or, as it has since been called, Weathers field — 
 a place which, if we may credit the assertions of that 
 worthy historian, John Josselyn, gent., " hath been in- 
 famous by reason of the witches therein." And so daring 
 did these men of Pyquag become, that they extended 
 those plantations of onions, for which their town is 
 illustrious, under the very noses of the garrison of Fort 
 Goed Hoop, insomuch that the honest Dutchmen could 
 not look toward that quarter without tears in their eyes. 
 
 This crying injustice was regarded with proper indigna- 
 tion by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, He absolutely 
 trembled with the violence of his choler and the exacer- 
 bations of his valour, which were the more turbulent in 
 their workings from the length of the body in which 
 they were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to 
 strengthen his redoubts, heighten his breastworks, deepen 
 his fosse, and fortify his position with a double row of 
 abattis ; after which he despatched a fresh courier with 
 accounts of his perilous situation. 
 
 The courier chosen to bear the despatches was a fat, 
 oily little man, as being less liable to be worn out or to 
 lose leather on the journey ; and, to insure his speed, he 
 was mounted on the fleetest waggon horse in the garrison, 
 remarkable for length of limb, largeness of bone, and 
 hardness of trot ; and so tall, that the little messenger 
 was obliged to climb on his back by means of his tail and 
 crupper. Such extraordinary speed did he make, that he 
 arrived at Fort Amsterdam in a little less than a month,
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 171 
 
 though the distance was full two hundred pipes, or about 
 one hundred and twenty miles. 
 
 With an appearance of great hurry and business, and 
 smoking a short travelling-pipe, he proceeded on a long 
 swing trot through the muddy lanes of the metropolis, 
 demolishing whole batches of dirt pies which the 
 little Dutch children were making in the road, and for 
 which kind of pastry the children of this city have ever 
 been famous. On arriving at the governor's house, he 
 climbed down from his steed, roused the grey-headed 
 doorkeeper, old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant 
 and faithful representative, the venerable crier of our 
 court, was nodding at his post, rattled at the door of the 
 council chamber, and startled the members as they were 
 dozing over a plan for establishing a public market. 
 
 At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep- 
 drawn snore, was heard from the chair of the governor ; a 
 whiff of smoke was at the same instant observed to escape 
 from his lips, and a light cloud to ascend from the bowl 
 of his pipe. The council, of course, supposed him en- 
 gaged in deep sleep for the good of the community, and, 
 according to custom in all such cases established, every 
 man bawled out " Silence ! " when, of a sudden, the door flew 
 open, and the little courier straddled into the apartment, 
 cased to the middle in a pair of Hessian boots, which he had 
 got into for the sake of expedition. In his right hand he 
 held forth the ominous despatches, and with his left he 
 grasped firmly the waistband of his galligaskins, which 
 had unfortunately given way in the exertion of descend- 
 ing from his horse. He stumped resolutely up to the 
 governor, and, with more hurry than perspicuity, de- 
 livered his message. But, fortunately, his ill tidings 
 came too late to ruffle the tranquillity of this most tran- 
 quil of rulers. His venerable Excellency had just 
 breathed and smoked his last ; his lungs and his pipe
 
 172 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 having been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul 
 having escaped in the last whiff that curled from his 
 tobacco-pipe. In a word, the renowned Walter the 
 Doubter, who had so often slumbered with his contem- 
 poraries, now slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus Kief t 
 governed in his stead. 
 
 33oofe iV, 
 
 CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OP 
 WILLIAM THE TESTY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 When the lofty Thucydides is about to enter upon his 
 description of the plague that desolated Athens, one of 
 his modern commentators assures the reader that the 
 history is now going to be exceedingly solemn, serious, 
 and pathetic ; and hints, with that air of chuckling 
 gratulation with which a good dame draws forth a choice 
 morsel from a. cupboard to regale a favourite, that this 
 plague will give his history a most agreeable variety. 
 
 In like manner did my heart leap within me when I 
 came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort Good Hope, which 
 I at once perceived to be the forerunner of a series of 
 great events and entertaining disasters. Such are the 
 true subjects for the historic pen. For what is history, 
 in fact, but a kind of Newgate Calendar — a register of 
 the crimes and miseries that man has inflicted on his 
 fellow-man? It is a huge libel on human nature, to 
 which we industriously add page after page, volume after 
 volume, as if we were building up a monument to the 
 honour, rather than th© infamy, of our species. If we 
 turn over the pages of these chronicles that man has
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YOKK. 173 
 
 Written of himself, what are the characters digriified by 
 the appellation of f^reat, and held up to the admiration 
 of posterity? Tyrants, robbers, conquerors, renowned 
 only for the maj^nitude of their misdeeds and the stupend- 
 ous wrongs and miseries they have inflicted on mankind 
 — warriors, who have hired themselves to the trade of 
 blood, not from motives of virtuous patriotism, or to 
 protect the injured and defenceless, but merely to gain 
 the vaunted glory of being adroit and successful in 
 massacring their fellow-beings ! What are the great 
 events that constitute a glorious era 1 The fall of 
 empires, the desolation of happy countries, splendid cities 
 smoking in their ruins, the proudest works of art 
 tumbled in the dust, the shrieks and groans of whole 
 nations ascending unto heaven ! 
 
 It is thus the historians may be said to thrive on the 
 miseries of mankind, like birds of prey which hover over 
 the field of battle to fatten on the mighty dead. It 
 was observed by a great projector of inland lock navi- 
 gation, that rivers, lakes, and oceans were only formed 
 to feed canals. In like manner I am tempted to believe 
 that plots, conspiracies, wars, victories, and massacres 
 are ordained by Providence only as food for the historian. 
 
 It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, in 
 studying the wonderful economy of nature, to trace the 
 mutual dependencies of things — how they are created 
 reciprocally for each other, and how the most noxious 
 and apparently unnecessary animal has its uses. Thus 
 those swarms of flies which are so often execrated as 
 useless vermin are created for the sustenance of spiders ; 
 and spiders, on the other hand, are evidently made to 
 devour flies. So those heroes who have been such 
 scourges to the world were bounteously provided as 
 themes for the poet and historian, while the poet and 
 the historian were destined to record the achievements of 
 heroes !
 
 174 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 These and many similar reflections naturally arose in 
 my mind as I took np my pen to commence the reig-n 
 of William Kief t : for now the stream of our history, 
 which hitherto has rolled in a tranquil current, is about 
 to depart for ever from its peaceful haunts, and brawl 
 throug-h many a turbulent and rug-o-ed scene. 
 
 As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover- 
 field, dozing and chewing: the cud, will bear repeated 
 blows before it raises itself, so the province of Nieuw 
 Nederlandts, having- waxed fat under the drowsy reig*n 
 of the Doubter, needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into 
 action, The reader will now witness the manner in 
 which a peaceful community advances towards a state of 
 war ; which is apt to be like the approach of a horse to a 
 drum, with much prancing- and little prog'ress, and too 
 often with the wrong- end foremost. 
 
 Wilhelmus Kieft, who in IGSl ascended the g-uberna- 
 torial chair (to borrow a favourite thoug-h clumsy appella- 
 tion of modern phraseolog-ists), was of a lofty descent, his 
 father being- inspector of wind-mills in the ancient town 
 of Saardam ; and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made 
 very curious investig-ations into the nature and operation 
 of these machines, which was one reason why he after- 
 wards came to be so ing-enious a g-overnor. His name, 
 according to the most authentic etymologists, was a 
 corruption of Kyver ; that is to say, a icrangler or scolder ; 
 and expressed the characteristic of his family, which 
 for nearly two centuries had kept the windy town of 
 Saardam in hot water, and produced more tartars and 
 brimstones than any ten families in the place ; and so 
 truly did he inherit this family peculiarity that he had 
 not been a year in the government of the province before 
 he was universally denominated William the Testy. His 
 appearance answered to his name. lie was a brisk, wiry, 
 waspish little old gentleman ; such a one as may now and
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 175 
 
 then be seen stumping- about our city in a broad-skirted 
 coat with, hug-e buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the back 
 of his head, and a cane as hig-h as his chin. His face 
 was broad, but his features were sharp ; his cheeks were 
 scorched into a dusky red, by two fiery little g-rey eyes ; 
 his nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned 
 do\\ai pretty much like the muzzle of an irritable pug'-dog'. 
 
 I have heard it observed by a profound adept in human 
 physiology that if a woman waxes fat with the progress 
 of years, her tenure of life is somewhat precarious, but if 
 haply she withers as she gfrows old, she lives for ever. 
 Such promised to be the case with William the Testy, 
 who grew tough in proportion as he dried. He had 
 withered, in fact, not throug-h the process of years, but 
 throug'h the tropical fervour of his soul, which burnt like 
 a vehement rushlig-ht in his bosom, inciting- him to 
 incessant broils and bickerings. Ancient traditions speak 
 much of his learning, and of the gallant inroads he had 
 made into the dead lang-uag-es, in which he had made 
 captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, and 
 brought off rich booty in ancient saws and apophthegms, 
 which he was wont to parade in his public harang-ues, as 
 a triumphant general of yore his spolia opima. Of 
 metaphysics he knew enough to confound all hearers and 
 himself into the bargain. In logic, he knew the whole 
 family of syllogisms and dilemmas, and was so proud of 
 his skill that he never suffered even a self-evident fact to 
 pass unargued. It was observed, however, that he seldom 
 got into an argument without getting into a perplexity, 
 and then into a passion with his adversary for not being 
 convinced gratis. 
 
 He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the frontiers 
 of several of the sciences, was fond of experimental 
 philosophy, and prided himself upon inventions of all 
 kinds. His abode, which he had fixed at a bowery, or
 
 176 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 country seat, at a short distance from the city, just at 
 what is now called Dutch Street, soon abounded with 
 proofs of his ing-enuity : patent smoke- jacks that required 
 a horse to work them ; Dutch ovens that roasted meat 
 without fire ; carts that went before the horses ; weather- 
 cocks that turned against the wind ; and other wrong-- 
 headed contrivances that astonished and confounded all 
 beholders. The house, too. was beset with paralytic cats 
 and dogs, the subjects of his experimental philosophy ; 
 and the yelling' and j^elping: of the latter unhappy 
 victims of science, while aiding- in the pursuit of know- 
 ledge, soon g-ained for the place the name of '• Dogf's 
 Misery," by which it continues to be known even at the 
 present day. 
 
 It is in knowledge as in swimming- : he who flounders 
 and splashes on the surface makes more noise and attracts 
 more attention than the pearl-diver who quietly dives in 
 quest of treasures to the bottom. The vast acquirements 
 of the new g-overnor were the theme of marvel among- the 
 simple burg-hers of New Amsterdam ; he fig-ured about 
 the place as learned a man as a Bonze at Pekin, who has 
 mastered one-half of the Chinese alphabet : and was 
 unanimously pronounced a '* universal genius ! " 
 
 I have known in my time many a g:enius of this stamp ; 
 but, to speak my mind freely, I never knew one who, for 
 the ordinary purposes of life, was worth his weight in 
 straw. In this respect a little sound judgment and plain 
 common sense is worth all the sparkling genius that ever 
 wrote poetry or invented theories. Let us see how the 
 universal acquirements of William the Testy aided him 
 in the affairs of g-ovemment.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 177 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 No sooner liad this bustling little potentate been blown 
 by a whiff of fortune into the seat of g-overnment than 
 he called his council tog-ether to make them a speech on 
 the state of affairs. 
 
 Caius Gracchus, it is said, when he harangued the 
 Roman populace, modulated his tone by an oratorical 
 flute or pitch-pipe. Wilhelmus Kief t, not having such 
 an instrument at hand, availed himself of that musical 
 organ or trump which nature has implanted in the midst 
 of a man's face ; in other words, he preluded his address 
 by a sonorous blast of the nose ; a preliminary flourish 
 much in vogue among public orators. 
 
 He then commenced by expressing his humble sense of 
 his utter un worthiness of the high post to which he had 
 been appointed, which made some of the simple burghers 
 wonder why he undertook it, not knowing that it is a 
 point of etiquette with a public orator never to enter 
 upon office without declaring himself unworthy to cross 
 the threshold. He then proceeded, in a manner highly 
 classic and erudite, to speak of government generally, and 
 of the governments of ancient Greece in particular ; to- 
 gether with the wars of Rome and Carthage, and the rise 
 and fall of sundry outlandish empires which the worthy 
 burghers had never read nor heard of. Having thus, 
 after the manner of your learned orators, treated of 
 things in general, he came by a natural roundabout 
 transition to the matter in hand, namely, the daring 
 aggressions of the Yankees. 
 
 As my readers are well aware of the advantage a 
 potentate has of handling his enemies as he pleases in his 
 speeches and bulletins, where he has the talk all on his 
 own side, they may rest assured that William the Testy 
 did not let such an opportunity escape of giving the
 
 178 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 
 
 Yankees wliat is called "a taste of Ms quality." In 
 speaking- of their inroads into the territories of their 
 Hig'h Mightinesses, he compared them to the G-auls, who 
 desolated Kome ; the Goths and Vandals, who overran 
 the fairest plains of Europe ; but when he came to 
 speak of the unparalleled audacity with which they of 
 Weathersfield had advanced their patches up to the very 
 walls of Fort G-oed Hoop, and threatened to smother the 
 garrison in onions, tears of rage started into his eyes, 
 as though he nosed the very offence in question. 
 
 Having thus wrought up his tale to a climax, he as- 
 sumed a most belligerent look, and assured the council 
 that he had devised an instrument, potent in its effects, 
 and which he trusted would soon drive the Yankees from 
 the land. So saying, he thrust his hand into one of the 
 deep pockets of his broad-skirted coat and drew forth, 
 not an infernal machine, but an instrument in writing, 
 which he laid with great emphasis upon the table. 
 
 The burghers gazed at it for a time in silent awe, as 
 a wary housewife does at a gun, fearful it may go off 
 half-cocked. The document in question had a sinister 
 look, it is true ; it was crabbed in text, and from a broad 
 red ribbon dangled the great seal of the province, about 
 the size of a buckwheat pancake. Still, after all, it was 
 but an instrument in writing. Herein, however, existed 
 the wonder of the invention. The document in question 
 was a proclamation, ordering the Yankees to depart in- 
 stantly from the territories of their High Mightinesses, 
 under pain of suffering all the forfeitures and punish- 
 ments in such case made and provided. It was on the 
 moral effect of this formidable instrument that Wilhel- 
 mus Kief t calculated ; pledging his valour as a governor 
 that, once fulminated against the Yankees, it would, in 
 less than two months, drive every mother's son of them 
 across the borders.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 179 
 
 1 The council broke up in perfect wonder, and nothing 
 v/as talked of for some time among- the old men and 
 women of JSTew Amsterdam but the vast genius of the 
 goremor, and his new and cheap mode of fighting by 
 proclamation. 
 
 As to AVilhelmus Kieft, having despatched his pro- 
 clamation to the frontiers, he put on his cocked hat and 
 corduroy small-clothes, and, mounting a tall, raw-boned 
 charger, trotted out to his rural retreat of Dog's Misery. 
 Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of 
 state, taking lessons in government, not from the nymph 
 Egeria, but from the honoured wife of his bosom, who 
 was one of that class of females, sent upon the earth a 
 little after the flood, as a punishment for the sins of man- 
 kind, and commonly known by the appellation of hnoicuig 
 womeii. In fact, my duty as an historian obliges me to 
 make known a circumstance which was a great secret at 
 the time, and consequently was not a subject of scandal 
 at more than half the tea-tables in New Amsterdam, but 
 which, like many other great secrets, has leaked out in 
 the lapse of years ; and this was, that "Wilhelmus the 
 Testy, though one of the most potent little men that ever 
 breathed, yet submitted at home to a species of govern- 
 ment, neither laid down, in Aristotle nor Plato ; in short, 
 it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and 
 is familiarly denominated ])etticoat cjorernment. An ab- 
 solute sway, which, although exceedingly common in 
 these modem days, was very rare among the ancients, 
 if we may judge from the rout made about the domestic 
 economy of honest Socrates, which is the only ancient 
 case on record. 
 
 The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers 
 and sarcasms of his particular friends, who are ever 
 ready to joke with a man on sore points of the kind, 
 ' by alleging that it was a government of his own election,
 
 180 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 to wliicli he submitted througli choice ; adding", at the 
 same time, a profound maxim which he had found in an 
 ancient author, that '* he who would aspire to gvvem 
 should first learn to obey.''' 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Never was a more comprehensive, a more expeditious, 
 or, what is still .better, a more economical measure 
 devised, than this of defeating: the Yankees by procla- 
 mation — an expedient, likewise, so g-entle and humane, 
 there were ten chances to one in favour of its succeed- 
 ing ; but then there was one chance to ten that it would 
 not succeed. As the ill-natured Fates would have it, that 
 sing-le chance carried the day ! The proclamation was 
 perfect in all its parts, well constructed, well written, 
 well sealed, and well published : all that was wanting- 
 to insure its eifect was, that the Yankees should stand in 
 awe of it ; but, provoking- to relate, they treated it with 
 the most absolute contempt, applied it to an unseemly 
 purpose, and thus did the first warlike proclamation come 
 to a shameful end — a fate which I am credibly informed 
 has befallen but too many of its successors. 
 
 So far from abandoning- the country, those varlets con- 
 tinued their encroachments, squatting- along- the g-reen 
 banks of the Varsche river, and founding- Hartford, 
 Stamford, New Haven, and other border towns. I have 
 already shown how the onion patches of Pyquag- were an 
 eyesore to Jacobus Van Curlet and his g-arrison ; but now 
 these moss-troopers increased in their atrocities, kidnap- 
 ping- hof^s, impoundin<^ horses, and sometimes j^rievously 
 rib-roasting their owners. Our worthy forefathers could 
 scarcely stir abroad without danger of being outjockeyed 
 in horseflesh, or taken in in bargaining ; while, in their 
 absence, some daring Yankee pedlar would penetrate to-
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YOKK. 181 
 
 their houseliold, and nearly ruin the good housewives 
 with tin-ware and wooden bowls.* 
 
 I am well aware of the perils which environ me in this 
 part of my history. While raking, with curious hand but 
 pious heart, among the mouldering remains of former 
 days, anxious to draw therefrom the honey of wisdom, I 
 may fare somewhat like that valiant worthy, Samson, 
 who, in meddling with the carcase of a dead lion, drew a 
 swarm of bees about his ears. Thus, while narrating the 
 many misdeeds of the Yanokie or Yankee race, it is ten 
 chances to one but I offend the morbid sensibilities of 
 certain of their unreasonable descendants, who may fly 
 out and raise such a buzzing about this unlucky head of 
 mine, that I shall need the tough hide of an Achilles, or 
 an Orlando Furioso, to protect me from their stings. 
 
 Should such be the case, I should deeply and sincerely 
 lament — not my misfortune in giving offence — but the 
 wrong-headed perverseness of an ill-natured generation, 
 in taking offence at anything I say. That their ancestors 
 
 * The following cases in point appear iu Hazard's " Collection of 
 State Papers : " -" In the meantime, they of Hartford have not onely 
 usurped and taken in the lands of Connecticott, although unright- 
 eously and against the lawes of nations, but have hindered our nation 
 iu sowing theire own purchased broken-up lands, but have also sowed 
 them with corne in the night, wliicli the Nederlanders had broken up 
 and intended to sowe ; and have beaten the servants of the high and 
 mighty tlie honored companie, which were labouring upon theire 
 masters' lands, from theire lands, with sticks and plow staves in 
 hostile manner laming, and, among the rest, struck Ever Duckings 
 [Evert Duyckink] a hole in his head with a stick, so that the bloode 
 ran downe very strongly downe upon his body." 
 
 "Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the honored 
 companie, under pretence that it had eaten of theire grounde grass, 
 when they had not any foot of inheritance. They proffered the hogg 
 for OS. if the commissioners would liave given 5s. for damage ; which 
 the commissioners denied, because noe man's own hogg (as men used 
 to say) can trespass upon his owne master's grounde."
 
 182 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 did use my ancestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for 
 it. I Avould, with all my heart, the fact were otherwise ; 
 but as I am recording- the sacred events of history, I'd not 
 bate one nail's breadth of the honest truth, thoug^h I were 
 sui-e the whole edition of my work would be boug-ht up 
 and burnt by tlic common hang'man of Connecticut. And 
 in sooth, now that these testy gentlemen have drawn me 
 out, I will make bold to g'O farther, and observe that this 
 is one of the grand purposes for which we impartial 
 historians are sent into the world — to redress wrongs, 
 and render justice on the heads of the guilty. So that, 
 though a powerful nation may wrong its neighbours 
 with temporary impunity, yet sooner or later an historian 
 springs up, who wreaks ample chastisement on it in 
 return. 
 
 Thus these moss-troopers of the east little thought, I'll 
 warrant it, while they were harassing the inoffensive pro- 
 vince of Nieuw Nederlandts, and driving its unhappy 
 governor to his wits' end, that an historian would ever 
 arise, and give them their own with interest. Since, 
 then, I am but performing my bounden duty as an 
 historian in avenging the wrongs of our revered ancestors, 
 I shall make no further apology ; and, indeed, when it is 
 considered that I have all these ancient borderers of the 
 east in my power, and at the mercy of my pen, I trust 
 that it will be admitted I conduct myself with groat 
 humanity and moderation. 
 
 It was long before William the Testy could be persuaded 
 that his much-vaunted war measure was ineffectual ; on 
 the contrary, he flew in a passion whenever it was 
 doubted, swearing that though slow in operating, yet 
 when it once began to work it would soon purge the land 
 of these invaders. When convinced at length of the 
 truth, like a shrewd physician, he attributed the failure 
 to the quantity, not the quality of the medicine, and
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 183 
 
 resolved to double the dose. He fulminated, therefore, a 
 second proclamation more vehement than the first, for- 
 bidding- all intercourse with these Yankee intruders ; 
 ordering- the Dutch burg-hers on the frontiers to buy none 
 of their pacing- horses, measly pork, apple sweetmeats, 
 Weathersfield onions, or wooden bowls, and to furnish 
 them with no supplies of g-in, g-ing-erbread, or sour- 
 krout. 
 
 Another interval elapsed, during- which the last pro- 
 clamation was as little reg-arded as the first, and the non- 
 intercourse was especially set at noug-ht by the young- 
 folks of both sexes. 
 
 At leng-th one day the inha.bitants of Xew Amsterdam 
 were aroused by a furious barking- of dog's, great and 
 small, and beheld to their surprise the whole g-arrison of 
 Fort Good Hope strag-g-ling- into town all tattered and 
 wayworn, with Jacobus Van Curlet at their head, bring-- 
 ing- the melancholy intellig-ence of the capture of Fort 
 Good Hope by the Yankees. 
 
 The fate of this important fortress is an impressive 
 warning- to all military commanders. It was neither 
 carried by storm nor famine ; nor was it undermined, nor 
 bombarded, nor set on fire by red-hot shot, but was taken 
 by a stratag-em no less singular than effectual, and which 
 can never fail of success whenever an opportunity occurs 
 of putting it in practice. 
 
 It seems that the Yankees had received intelligence 
 that the garrison of Jacobus Van Curlet had been reduced 
 nearly one-eighth by the death of two of his most cor- 
 pulent soldiers, who had over-eaten themselves on fat 
 salmon caught in the Varsche river. A secret expedition 
 was immediately set on foot to surprise the fortress. The 
 crafty enemy, knowing the habits of the garrison to sleep 
 soundly after they had eaten their dinners and smoked 
 their pipes, stole upon them at the noontide of a sultry
 
 184 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 summer's day, and surprised tliem in the midst of their 
 slumbers. 
 
 In an instant the flag- of their Hig-h Mig'htinesses was 
 lowered, and the Yankee standard elevated in its stead, 
 being- a dried codfish, by way of a spread eagie. A strong- 
 garrison was appointed of long-sided, hard-listed Yankees, 
 with Weathersfield onions for cockades and feathers. As 
 to Jacobus Van Curlet and his men, they were seized by 
 the nape of the neck, conducted to the gate, and one by 
 one dismissed with a kick in the crupper, as Charles XII. 
 dismissed the heavy-bottomed Russians at the battle of 
 Xarva ; Jacobus Van Curlet receiving- two kicks in con- 
 sideration of his official dignity. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Language cannot express the awful ire of William the 
 Testy on hearing- of the catastrophe at Fort Goed Hoop. 
 For throe g-ood hours his rage was too great for words, 
 or rather the words were too great for him (being a very 
 small man), and he was nearly choked by the misshapen, 
 nine-cornered Dutch oaths and epithets which crowded at 
 once into his gullet. At length his words found vent, 
 and for three days he kept up a constant discharge, 
 anathematising the Yankees, man, woman, and child, for 
 a set of dieven, schobbejacken, deugenieten, twistzoekeren, 
 blaes-kaken, loosen-schalken, kakken-bedden, and a thou- 
 sand other names, of which, unfortunately for posterit}'-, 
 history does not make mention. Finally, he swore that 
 he would have nothing more to do with siich a squatting, 
 bundling, guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin- 
 eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider- water- 
 ing, horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew — tliat they 
 might stay at Fort Good Hoop and rot, before he would
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 185 
 
 dirty his hands by attempting" to drive them away ; in 
 proof of which he ordered the new-raised troops to be 
 marched forthwith into winter quarters, althoug-h it was 
 not as yet quite midsummer. Great despondency now 
 fell upon the city of New Amsterdam. It was feared 
 that the conquerors of Fort Goed Hoop, flushed with 
 victory and apple-brandy, mig-ht march on to the capital, 
 take it by storm, and annex the whole province to Con- 
 necticut. The name of Yankee became as terrible among- 
 the Xieuw Xederlanders as was that of Gaul among- the 
 ancient Romans, insomuch that the good wives of the 
 Manhattoes used it as a bugbear wherewith to frighten 
 their unruly children. 
 
 Everybody clamoured round the governor, imploring 
 him to put the city in a complete posture of defence, and 
 he listened to their clamours. Xobody could accuse 
 William the Testy of being idle in time of danger, or at 
 any other time. He was never idle, but then he was often 
 busy to very little purpose. "Wlien a youngling he had 
 been impressed with the words of Solomon, '• Go to the 
 ant, thou sluggard, observe her ways and be wise," in con- 
 formity to which he had ever been of a restless, ant-like 
 turn ; hurrying hither and thither, nobody knew why or 
 wherefore, busying himself about small matters with an 
 air of great importance and anxiety, and toiling at a 
 grain of mustard-seed in the full conviction that he was 
 moving a mountain. In the present instance he called 
 in all his inventive powers to his aid, and was con- 
 tinually pondering over plans, making diagrams, and 
 worrying about with a troop of workmen and projectors 
 at his heels. At length, after a world of consultation 
 and contrivance, his plans of defence ended in rearing a 
 great flagstaff in the centre of the fort, and perching a 
 windmill on each bastion. 
 
 These warlike preparations in some measure allayed
 
 185 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 tlie public alarm, especially after an additional means ot 
 securing the safety of the city had been suggested by the 
 governor's lady. It has already been hinted in this most 
 authentic history that in the domestic establishment of 
 AVilliam the Testy " the grey mare was the better horse ; " 
 in other words, that his wife " ruled the roast," and, in 
 governing the governor, governed the province, which 
 might thus be said to be under petticoat government. 
 
 Now it came to pass that about this time there lived in 
 the Manhattoes a jolly, robustious trumpeter, named 
 Anthony Van Corlear, famous for his long wind ; and 
 who, as the story goes, could twang so potently upon his 
 instrument that the effect upon all within hearing was 
 like that ascribed to the Scotch bagpipe when it sings 
 right lustily i' the nose. 
 
 This sounder of brass was moreover a lusty bachelor, 
 with a pleasant, burly visage, a long nose, and huge 
 whiskers. He had his little boivcn/, or retreat in the 
 country, where he led a roystering life, giving dances to 
 the wives and daughters of the burghers of the Man- 
 hattoes, insomuch that he became a prodigious favourite 
 with all the women, young and old. He is said to have 
 been the first to collect that famous toll levied on the fair 
 sex at Kissing Bridge, on the highway to Hell-gate.* 
 
 To this sturdy bachelor the eyes of all the women were 
 turned in this time of darkness and peril, as the very 
 man to second and carry out the plans of defence of the 
 governor. A kind of petticoat council was forthwith 
 held at the government house, at which the governor's 
 lady presided : and this lady, as has been hinted, being 
 all potent with the governor, the result of these councils 
 
 * The bridge here mentioned by Mr. Knickerbocker still exists ; but 
 it is said tliat the toll is seldom collected nowadays excepting on 
 sleighing parties, by the descendants of the patriarchs, who still pre- 
 serve the traditions of the city.
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 187 
 
 was the elevation of Anthony the Trumpeter to the post of 
 commandant of windmills and champion of Xcw 
 Amsterdam. 
 
 The city being thus fortified and garrisoned, it would 
 have done one's heart good to see the governor snapping 
 his fingers and fidgeting with delight, as the trumpeter 
 strutted up and down the ramparts twanging defiance to 
 the whole Yankee race, as does a modern editor to all the 
 principalities and powers on the other side of the Atlantic. 
 In the hands of Anthony Van Corlear this windy instru- 
 ment appeared to him as potent as the horn of the 
 paladin Astolpho, or even the more classic horn of Alecto ; 
 nay, he had almost the temerity to compare it with the 
 rams' horns celebrated in Holy Writ, at the very sound of 
 which the walls of Jericho fell down. 
 
 Be all this as it may, the apprehensions of hostilities 
 from the east gradually died away. The Yankees made 
 no further invasion ; nay, they declared they had only 
 taken possession of Fort Goed Hoop as being erected 
 within their territories. So far from manifesting hos- 
 tility, they continued to throng to Xew Amsterdam v\ath 
 the most innocent countenances imaginable, filling the 
 market with their notions, being as ready to trade with 
 the Netherlanders as ever, and not a whit more j^ronc to 
 get to the windward of them in a bargain. 
 
 The old wives of the Manhattoes who took tea with the 
 governor's lady attributed all this affected moderation to 
 the awe inspired by the military preparations of the 
 governor, and the windy prowess of Anthony the 
 Trumpeter. 
 
 There were not wanting illiberal minds, however, who 
 sneered at the governor for thinking to defend his city 
 as he governed it, by mere wind ; but William Kieft was 
 not to be jeered out of his wind-mills ; he had seen them 
 perched upon the ramparts of his native city of Saardam.
 
 188 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 and was persuaded tliey were connected Avith tlie great 
 science of defence ; naj', so much piqued was lie by having 
 them made a matter of ridicule, that he introduced them 
 into the arms of the city, where they remain to this day, 
 quartered with the ancient beaver of the Manhattoes, an 
 emblem and memento of his policy. 
 
 I must not omit to mention that certain wise old 
 burghers of the Manhattoes, skilful in expounding signs 
 and mysteries, after events have come to pass, consider 
 this early intrusion of the windmill into the escutcheon of 
 our city, which before had been wholly occupied by the 
 beaver, as portentous of its after fortune, when the quiet 
 Dutchman would be elbowed aside by the enterprising 
 Yankee, and patient industry overtopped by windy 
 speculation. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Amoxg the wrecks and fragments of exalted wisdom 
 which have floated down the stream of time from 
 venerable antiquity, and been picked up by those humble 
 but industrious wights who ply along- the shores of 
 literature, we find a shrewd ordinance of Charondas the 
 Locrian legislator. Anxious to preserve the judicial code 
 of the state from the additions and amendments of 
 country members and seekers of popularity, he ordained 
 that, whoever proposed a new law should do it with a 
 halter about his neck ; whereby, in case his proposition 
 were rejected, they just hung him up — and there the 
 matter ended. 
 
 The effect was, that for more than two hundred years 
 there was but one trifling alteration in the judicial code ; 
 and legal matters were so clear and simple that the 
 whole race of lawyers starved to death for want of em- 
 ployment. The Locrians, too, being frood from all
 
 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 189 
 
 incitement to litigation, lived very lovingly together, 
 and v/ere so happy a people that they make scarce any 
 figure in history ; it being only your litigious, quarrel- 
 some, rantipole nations who make much noise in the 
 world. 
 
 I have been reminded of these historical facts in coming 
 to treat of the internal policy of William the Testy. 
 Well would it have been for him had he in the course of 
 his universal acquirements stumbled upon the precaution 
 of the good Charondas ; or had he looked nearer home at 
 the protectorate of Oloffe the Dreamer, when the com- 
 munity was governed without laws. Such legislation, 
 however, was not suited to the busy, meddling mind of 
 William the Testy. On the contrary, he conceived that 
 the true wisdom of legislation consisted in the multi- 
 plicity of laws. He accordingly had great punishments 
 for great crimes, and little punishments for little offences. 
 By degrees the whole surface of society was cut up by 
 ditches and fences, and quickset hedges of the law, and 
 even the sequestered paths of private life so beset by 
 petty rules and ordinances, too numerous to be re- 
 membered, that one could scarce walk at large without 
 the risk of letting off a spring-gun or falling into a man- 
 trap. 
 
 In a little while the blessings of innumerable laws 
 became apparent ; a class of men arose to expound and 
 confound them. Petty courts were instituted to take 
 cognisance of petty offences, pettifoggers began to 
 abound, and the community was soon set together by 
 the ears. 
 
 Let me not be thought as intending anything derogatory 
 to the profession of the law, or to the distinguished 
 members of that illustrious order. Well am I aware 
 that we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy 
 gentlemen, the knights-errant of modern days, who go
 
 190 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 
 
 about redressing wrongs and defending the defenceless, 
 not for the love of filthy lucre, nor the selfish cravings of 
 renown, but merely for the pleasure of doing good. 
 Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into the flames, 
 and cork up my ink-bottle for ever, than infringe even 
 for a nail's breadth upon the dignity of these truly 
 benevolent champions of the distressed. On the contrary, 
 I allude merel}'' to those caitiff scouts who, in these 
 latter days of evil, infest the skirts of the profession, as 
 did the recreant Cornish knights of yore the honourable 
 order of chivalry ; who, under its auspices, commit 
 flagrant wrongs ; who thrive by quibbles, by quirks and 
 chicanery, and like vermin increase the corruption in 
 which they are engendered. 
 
 Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions as 
 the facility of gratification. The courts of law would 
 never be so crowded with petty, vexatious, and disgraceful 
 suits were it not for the herds of pettifoggers. These 
 tamper with the passions of the poorer and more ignorant 
 classes ; who, as if poverty were not a sufficient misery in 
 itself, are ever ready to embitter it by litigation. These, 
 like quacks in medicine, excite the malady to profit by 
 the cure, and retard the cure to augment the fees. As 
 the quack exhausts the constitution the pettifogger 
 exhausts the purse ; and as he who has once been under 
 the hands of a quack is for ever after prone to dabble in 
 drugs, and poison himself with infallible prescriptions, 
 so the client of the pettifogger is ever after prone to 
 embroil himself with his neighbours, and impoverish him- 
 self with successful lawsuits. My readers Avill excuse this 
 digression into which I have been unwarily betrayed ; but 
 I could not avoid giving a cool and unprejudiced account 
 of an abomination too prevalent in this excellent city, and 
 with the effects of which I am ruefully acquainted, having 
 been nearly ruined by a lawsuit which was decided against
 
 HISTORY OP NEW YOKE. 1.91 
 
 mc ; and my ruin liavinp: been completed by another, 
 which was decided in my favour. 
 
 To return to our theme. There was nothins" in the 
 whole rang-e of moral offences ag-ainst which the juris- 
 prudence of William the Testy was more strenuously 
 directed than the crying- sin of poverty. He pronounced 
 it the root of all evil, and determined to cut it up root 
 and branch, and extirpate it from the land. He had been 
 struck, in the course of his travels in the old countries of 
 Europe, with the wisdom of those notices posted up in 
 country to%\Tis, that '•' any vag-rant found beg-g-ing- there 
 would be put in the stocks,'' and he had observed that no 
 begg-ars were to be seen in these neig-hbourhoods ; having- 
 doubtless thrown off their rag-s and their poverty, and be- 
 come rich under the terror of the law. He determined to 
 improve upon this hint. In a little while a new machine 
 of his own invention was erected hard by Dog-'s Misery. 
 This was nothing- more nor less than a gibbet, of a very 
 strang-e, uncouth, and unmatchable construction, far more 
 efficacious, as he boasted, than the stocks, for the punish- 
 ment of poverty. It was for altitude not a whit inferior 
 to that of Haman, so renowned in Bible history ; but the 
 marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of 
 being suspended by the neck according to venerable 
 custom, was hoisted by the waistband, and kept dangling 
 and sprawling between heaven and earth for an hour or 
 two at a time, to the infinite entertainment and edifica- 
 tion of the respectable citizens who usually attend ex- 
 hibitions of the kind. 
 
 Such was the punishment of all petty delinquents, 
 vagrants, and beggars and others detected in being guilty 
 of poverty in a small way. As to those who had offended 
 on a great scale, who had been guilty of flagrant misfor- 
 tunes and enormous backslidings of the purse, and who 
 stood convicted of large debts which they were unable to
 
 192 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 paj', "William Kief t had them straightway enclosed within 
 the stone walls of a prison, there to remain until they 
 should reform and grow rich. This notable expedient, 
 however, does not appear to have been more efficacious 
 under William the Testy than in more modern days, it 
 beinsj- found that the lono'er a poor devil was kept in 
 prison the poorer he grew. 
 
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