EPORTMENT MANSERS, COHDUCT AHD DRESS OF THE MOST REFINED SOCIETY j Setter, StviMtaMcmA, tc., Stc. ioni on &COIHC ( COMPILED FROM THE LATEST RELIABLE AUTHORITIES, BY JOHN H. YOUNG, A. M. REVISED AND ILLUSTRATED. F. B, DICKERSON & CO, PUBLISHERS. DETROIT, MICH., ST. LOUIS, Mo., CINCINNATI, O., CHICAGO, ILL. 1 883 f0 00 t\m$ fyis life toitfy g00fc manners possessed, ' js to to Mn& unt0 all, rirjy, p0r anir |0r Mnkes^ an& mertg are balms t|at toill % S0rr0tos, tfee pins, an& tfee tes t|ai toe feel COPYRIGHTED FREEMAN B. DICKERSON, 1879 and 1881. O one subject is of more im- portance to people gener- ally than a knowledge of the rules, usages and cere- monies of good society, which are commonly ex- pressed by the word "Eti- quette." Its necessity is felt wherever men and wo- men associate together, whether in the city, village, or country town, at home or abroad. To acquire a thorough knowledge of these matters, and to put that knowledge into practice with perfect ease and self-com- placency, is what people call good breeding. To dis- play an ignorance of them, is to subject the offender to the opprobrium of being ill-bred. In the compilation of this work, the object has been to present the usages and rules which govern the most refined American society, and to impa * that information which will enable any one, in whatever circumstances rai 4: PREFACE. of life to acquire the perfect ease of a gentleman, or the gentle manners and graceful deportment of a well-bred lady, whose presence will be sought for, and who, by their graceful deportment will learn the art of being at home in any good society. s The work is so arranged, that every subject is con- veniently classified and subdivided; it is thus an easy matter to refer at once to any given subject. It has been the aim of the compiler to give minutely all points that are properly embraced in a work on etiquette, even upon matters of seemingly trivial importance. Upon some hitherto disputed points, those rules are given, which are sustained by the best authorities and endorsed by good sense. As the work is not the authorship of any one indi- vidual, and as no individual, whatever may be his ac- quirements, could have the presumption to dictate rules for the conduct of society in general, it is therefore only claimed that it is a careful compilation from all the best and latest authorities upon the subject of etiquette and kindred matters, while such additional material has been embraced within its pages, as, it is hoped, will be found of benefit and interest to every American household. J. H. Y. (frcwleuts. CHAPTER I. PAGE. EJTBODUCTORY 18 CHAPTER II. MANffEBS. Good manners as an element of worldly success Manner an index of character The true gentleman The true lady Importance of trifles Value of pleasing manners Personal appearance enhanced and fortunes made by pleasing manners Politeness the outgrowth of good manners 20 CHAPTER III. INTEODUCTIONB. Acquaintances thus formed Promiscuous, informal and casual intro- ductions Introduction of a gentleman to a lady and a lady to a gentleman Introduction at a ball The manner of introduction Introducing relatives Obligatory introductions Salutations after introduction Introducing one's self Letters of introduc- tionHow they are to be delivered Duty of a person to whom a letter of introduction is addressed Letters of introduction for business purposes 31 CHAPTER IV. SALUTATIONS. The salutation originally an act of worship Its form in different nations The bow, its proper mode Words of salutation Man- ner of bowing Duties of the young to older people How to avoid recognition Etiquette of handshaking Kissing as a mode of salutation The kiss of friendship The kiss of respect . . 4* (5) 6 CONTENTS. CHAPTER V. ETIQUETTE ON CALLS. Morning calls Evening calls Rules for formal calls Calls at Sum- mer resorts Receptipn days Calls made by cards Returning the first call Calls after a betrothal takes place Forming new acquaintance by calls The first call, by whom to be made Calls of Congratulation Visits of condolence Keeping an account of calls Evening visits "Engaged" or "not at home" to callers General rules relative to calls New Year's calls . 52 CHAPTER VI. ETIQUETTE ON VISITING. Seneral invitations not to be accepted The limit of a prolonged visit Duties of a visitor Duties of the host or hostess True hospi- tality Leave-taking Invitations to guests Forbearance with children Guests making presents Treatment of a host's friends 89 CHAPTER Vn. ETIQUETTE OP OAEDS. Visiting and calling cards Their size and style Wedding cards Leaving cards in calling Cards for mother and daughter Cards not to be sent in envelopes to return formal calls Glazed cards not in fashion P. P. C. cards Cards of congratulation When sent Leave cards in making first calls of the season and after invitations Mourning cards Christmas and Easter cards Cards of condolence Bridegroom's card 75 CHAPTER VIII. OONVEESATION. Character revealed by conversation Importance of conversing wel Children should be trained to talk well Cultivation of tht memory Importance of remembering names How Henrj Clay acquired this habit Listening Writing down one's: thoughts Requisites for a good talker Vulgarisms Flippancy Sympathizing with another Bestowing compliments Slang Flattery Scandal and gossip Satire and ridicule Religion and politics to be avoidedBestowing of titles Interrupting another while talkingAdaptability in conversation Correct use of words Speaking one's mindProfanity Display of knowledge Double entendres Impertinent questions Things to be avoided in conversation Hobbies Fault-finding Dis- putes 84 CONTENTS. 7 CHAPTER IX. DINNER PARTIES. pAam> Dinners are entertainments for married people Whom to invite Forms of invitations Punctuality required The success of a dinner party Table appointments Proper size of a dinner party Arrangement of guests at table Serving dinner a la Russe Duties of servants Serving the dishes General rules regarding dinner Waiting on others Monopolizing conversa- tionDuties of hostess and host Retiring from the table Calls required after a dinner party Returning hospitalities Expen- sive dinners not the most enjoyable Wines at dinners . . 106 CHAPTER X. TABLE ETIQUETTE, Importance of acquiring good habits at the table Table appoint- ments for breakfast, luncheon and dinner Use of the knife and fork Of the napkin Avoid fast eating and all appearance of greediness General rules on the subject 188 CHAPTER XI. RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. Morning receptions The dress and refreshments for them Invita- tions Musical matinees Parties in the country Five o'clock teas and kettle-drums Requisites for a successful ball Intro- ductions at a ball Receiving guests The number to invite Duties of the guests General rules to be observed at balls Some suggestions for gentlemen Duties of an escort Prepa- rations for a ball The supper An after-call required . . 120 CHAPTER XII. STREET ETIQUETTE. The street manners of a lady Forming street acquaintances Recog- nizing friends in the street Saluting a lady Passing through a crowd The first to bow Do not lack politeness How a lady and gentleman should walk together When to offer the lady the arm Going up and down stairs Smoking in the streets Carrying packages Meeting a lady acquaintance Corner loafers Shouting in the street Shopping etiquette For public conveyances Cutting acquaintances General suggestions . . 146 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XIII. ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLAGES. PAO m. Conduct in church Invitations to opera, theatres and concerts Con- duct in public .assemblages Remain until the performance closes Conduct in picture galleries Behavior at charity fairs Conduct at an artist's studio , 157 CHAPTER XIV. TRAVELING ETIQUETTE. Courtesies shown to ladies traveling alone Duties of an escort Duties of a lady to her escort Ladies should assist other ladies traveling alone The seats to be occupied in a railway car Discretion to be used in forming acquaintances in traveling. . . . 167 CHAPTER XV. BIDING AND DRIVING. Learning to ride on horseback The gentleman's, duty as an escort in riding How to assist a lady to mount Riding with ladies Assist- ing a lady to alight from a horse Driving The seat of honor in a carriage Trusting the driver 1T4 CHAPTER XVI. OOUETSHIP. Proper conduct of gentlemen and ladies toward each other Prema- ture declaration of love Love at first sight Proper manner of courtship Parents should [exercise authority over daughters An acceptable suitor Requirements fora happy marriage Pro- posals of marriage A gentleman should not press an unwelcome suit A lady's refusal A doubtful answer Unladylike conduct toward a suitor The rejected suitor Asking consent of parents Presents after engagement Conduct and relations of the en- gaged couple Lovers' quarrels Breaking an engagement . . 17v CHAPTER XVIL WEDDING ETIQUETTE. Choice of bridemaids and groomsmen or ushers The bridal costume Costumes of bridegroom and ushers Presents of the bride and bridegroom Ceremonials at church when there are no bride- CONTENTS. 9 PAQB. maids or ushers Invitations to the ceremony alone The latest ceremonials Weddings at home The evening wedding "At home" receptions Calls The wedding ring Marriage ceremon- ials of a widow Form of invitations to a reception Duties of in- vited guests Of bridemaids and ushers Bridal presents Mas- ter of ceremonies Wedding fees Congratulations The bridal tour .... 194 CHAPTER HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. Home the woman's kingdom Home companionship Conduct of hus- band and wife Duties of the wife to her husband The wife a helpmate The husband's duties 308 CHAPTER XIX. HOME TEAININ&. First lessons learned at home Parents should set good examples to their children Courtesies in the home circle Early moral train- ing of children The formation of their habits Politeness at home Train children for some occupation Bad temper Sel- fishness Home maxims . . 216 CHAPTER XX. HOME CULTURE. Cultivate moral courage The pernicious influence of indolence Self- respect Result of good breeding at home Fault-finding and grumbling Family jars not to be made public Conflicting inter- estsReligious education Obedience Influence of example The influence of books 22* CHAPTER XXL WOMAH'S HI&HEB EDUOATIOH. Its importance Train young women to some occupation Education of girls too superficial An education appropriate to each sex- Knowledge of the laws of health needed by women Idleness the source of all misery A spirit of independence Health ancl life dependent upon a highr culture Cultivation of the moral sense 33 10 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XXH. THE LETTEE WEITER. PAOIt Letter writing is an indication of good breeding Requirements for correct writing Anonymous letters Note paper to be used- Forms of letters and notes Forms of addressing notes and let- ters Forms of signature Letters of introduction When to be given Notes of invitation and replies thereto Acceptances and regrets Formal invitations must be answered Letters of friend- ship Love letters Business letters and correspondence Form of letter requesting employment Regarding the character of a servant Forms for notes, drafts, bills and receipts ... 343 CHAPTER XXni. GENERAL BULES TO GOVERN CONDUCT. Attention to the young in society Gracefulness of carriage Attitude, coughing, sneezing, etc. Anecdotes, puns, etc. A sweet and pure breath Smoking A good listener Give precedence to others Be moderate in speaking Singing and playing in society Receiving and making presents Governing our moods A lady driving with a gentleman An invitation cannot be recalled Avoid talking of personalities Shun gossip and tale bearing Removing the hat Intruding on privacy Politeness Adapting yourself to others Contradicting A woman's good name Ex- pressing unfavorable opinions Vulgarities Miscellaneous rules governing conduct Washington's maxims 286 CHAPTER XXIV. ANNIVEESAET WEDDINGS. How and when they are celebrated The paper, cotton and leather weddings The wooden wedding The tin wedding The crystal wedding The silver wedding The golden wedding The dia- mond wedding Presents at anniversary weddings Forms of in- vitations, etc 886 CHAPTER XXV. BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS. Naming the child The christening Godparents or sponsors Presents from godparents The ceremony The breakfast Christening gifts The hereof the day Fees 891 CONTENTS. 11 CHAPTER XXVL FUNEBALS. PAQB< Death notices and funeral invitations Arrangement for the funeral The house of mourning Conducting the funeral services The pall-bearers Order of the procession Floral and other decora- tions Calls upon the bereaved family Seclusion of the family 296 CHAPTER XXVH. ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON. Social duties required of the President and his family Receptions at the White House Order of official rank Duties required of members of the cabinet and their families How to address officials The first to visit 306 CHAPTER XXVIII. ETIQUETTE OF FOKEIGN COUETB, Foreign titles Royalty The nobility The gentry Esquires Impe- rial rank European titles Presentation at the court of St. James Those eligible and ineligible for presentation Prelimi- nariesPresentation costumes 308 CHAPTER XXIX. BUSINESS. The example of a merchant prince Keep your temper Honesty the best policy Form good habits Breaking an appointment Prompt payment of bills, notes and drafts General suggestions 315 CHAPTER XXX. DRESS. Requirements for dressing well Perils of the love of dress to weak minds Consistency in dress Extravagance Indifference to dress Appropriate dress The wearing of gloves Evening or full dress for gentlemen Morning dress for gentlemen Evening or full dress for ladies Ball dresses The full dinner dress For receiving and making morning calls Morning dress for street Carriage dress Promenade dress and walking 1 suit Ooera dress The riding dress For women of business Ordinary 12 CONTENTS. PAGE. evening dress For a social party Dress for the theater, lecture and concert Archery, croquet aud skating costumes Bathing dress For traveling The bridal costume Dress of bridemaids At wedding receptions Mourning dress How long mourning should be worn . 320 CHAPTER XXXI. COLOBS AND THEIB HABMONY IN DBESS. The proper arrangement of colors The colors adapted to different persons Material for dress Size in relation to color and dress A list of colors that harmonize .... . 341 CHAPTER XXXII. THE TOILET. Importance of neatness and cleanliness Perfumes The bath The teeth and their care The skin The eyes, eyelashes and brows The hair and beard The hands and feet 851 CHAPTER XXXIII. TOILET BEOIPES. To remove freckles, pimples and sunburn To beautify the complexion To prevent the hair falling out Pomades and hair oils Sea foam or dry shampoo To prevent the hair turning gray To soften the skin To cleanse the teeth Remedy for chapped hands For corns and chilblains, etc 37? CHAPTER XXXIV. SPOBTS, GAMES AND AMUSEMENTS. Archery and its practice Lawn Tennis Boating Picnics Private Theatricals Card playing S 98 CHAPTER XXXV. LANGUAGE OF FLOWEBS, CHAPTER XXXVL PRECIOUS STONES, .428 CHAPTER I. "Ingenious Art with her expressive face, Steps forth to fashion and refine the race." COWPER. KNOWLEDGE of etiquette has been defined to be a knowledge of the rules of society at its best. These rules have been the outgrowth of centuries of civilization, had their foundation in friendship and love of man for his fellow man the vital principles of Christianity and are most powerful agents for promoting peace, harmony and good will among all people who are enjoying the blessings of more advanced civilized government. In all civilized countries the influence of the best society is of great importance to the welfare and prosperity of the nation, but in no country is the good influence of the most refined society more powerfully felt than in our own, " the land of the future, where mankind may plant, essay, and resolve all social problems." These rules make social intercourse more agreeable, and facilitate hospitalities, when all (13) 14 INTRODUCTORY. members of society hold them as binding rules and faithfully regard their observance. They are to society what our laws are to the people as a political body, and to disregard them will give rise to constant misunder- standings, engender ill-will, and beget bad morals and bad manners. Says an eminent English writer: "On manners, refinement, rules of good breeding, and even the forms of etiquette, we are forever talking, judging our, neigh- bors severely by the breach of traditionary and unwrit- ten laws, and choosing our society and even our friends by the touchstone of courtesy." The Marchioness de Lambert expressed opinions which will be endorsed by the best bred people everywhere when she wrote to her son : " Nothing is more shameful than a voluntary rudeness. Men have found it necessary as well as agreeable to unite for the common good; they have made laws to restrain the wicked; they have agreed among themselves as to the duties of society, and have annexed an honorable character to the practice of those duties. He is the honest man who observes them with the most exactness, and the instances of them multiply in proportion to the degree of nicety of a person's honor." Originally a gentleman was defined to be one who, without any title of nobility, wore a coat of arms. And the descendants of many of the early colonists preserve with much pride and care the old armorial bearings which their ancestors brought with them from their homes ; j the mother country. Although despising INTRODUCTORY. 15 titles and ignoring the rights of kings, they still clung to the "grand old name of gentleman." But race is no longer the only requisite for a gentleman, nor will race united with learning and wealth make a man a gentle- man, unless there are present the kind and gentle quali- ties of the heart, which find expression in the principles of the Golden Rule. Nor will race, education and wealth combined make a woman a true lady if she shows a want of refinement and consideration of the feelings of others. Good manners are only acquii-ed by education and observation, followed up by habitual practice at home and in society, and good manners reveal to us the lady and the gentleman. He who does not possess them, though he bear the highest title of nobility, cannot expect to be called a gentleman; nor can a woman, without good manners, aspire to be considered a lady by ladies. Manners and morals are indissolubly allied, and no society can be good where they are bad. It is the duty of American women to exercise their influence to form so high a standard of morals and manners that the tendency of society will be continually upwards, seeking to make it the best society of any nation. As culture is the first requirement of good society, so self -improvement should be the aim of each -and all of its members. Manners will improve with the cultiva- tion of the mind, until the pleasure and harmony of social intercourse are no longer marred by the introduc- tion of discordant elements, and they only will be excluded from the best society whose lack of education 16 INTRODUCTORY. and whose rude manners will totally unfit them for its enjoyments and appreciation. Good manners are even more essential to harmony in society than a good educa- tion, and may be considered as valuable an acquisition as knowledge in any form. The principles of the Golden Rule, " whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them," is the basis of all true politeness principles which teach us to forget ourselves, to be kind to our neighbors, and to be civil even to our enemies. The appearance of so being and doing is what society demands as good manners, and the man or woman trained to this mode of life is regarded as well-bred. The people, thus trained, are easy to get along with, for they are as quick to make an apology when they have been at fault, as they are to accept one when it is made. "The noble-hearted only understand the noble- hearted." In a society where the majority are rude from the thoughtf ulness of ignorance, or remiss from the insolence of bad breeding, the iron rule, " Do unto others, as they do unto you," is more often put into practice than the golden one. The savages know nothing of the virtues of forgiveness, and regard those who are not revengeful as wanting in spirit; so the ill-bred do not understand undeserved civilities extended to promote the general interests of society, and to carry out the injunction of the Scriptures to strive after the things that make for peace. Society is divided into sets, according to their breed- 17 ing. One set may be said to have no breeding at all, another to have a little, another more, and another enough; and between the first and last of these, there are more shades than in the rainbow. Good manners are the same in essence everywhere at courts, in fash- ionable society, in literary circles, in domestic life they never change, but social observances, customs and points of etiquette, vary with the age and with the people. A French writer has said: "To be truly polite, it is necessary to be, at the same time, good, just, and gen- erous. True politeness is the outward visible sign of those inward spiritual graces called modesty, unselfish- ness and generosity. The manners of a gentleman are the index of his souL His speech is innocent, because his life is pure; his thoughts are right, because his actions are upright; his bearing is gentle, because his feelings, his impulses, and his training are gentle also. A gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pre- tence. He avoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mere ceremonies have no attraction for him. He seeks not to say any civil things, but to do them. His hospitality, though hearty and sincere, will be strictly regulated by his means. His friends will be chosen for their good qualities and good manners; his servants for their truth- fulness and honesty; his occupations for their usefulness, their gracefulness or their elevating tendencies, whether moral, mental or political." In the same general tone does Ruskin describe a gentleman, when he says: "A gentleman's first char- 18 INTRODUCTORY. acteristic is that fineness of structure in the body which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation, and of that structure in the mind which renders it capable of the most delicate sympathies one may say, simply, ' fineness of nature.' This is, of course, compati- ble with the heroic bodily strength and mental firmness; in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable without such delicacy. Elephantine strength may drive its way through a forest and feel no touch of the boughs, but the white skin of Homer's Atrides would have felt a bent rose-leaf, yet subdue its feelings in the glow of battle and behave itself like iron. I do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar animal; but if you think about him carefully, you will find that his non- vulgarity con- sists in such gentleness as is possible to elephantine nature not in his insensitive hide nor in his clumsy foot, but in the way he will lift his foot if a child lies in his way, and in his sensitive trunk and still more sensitive mind and capability of pique on points of honor. Hence it will follow that one of the probable signs of high breeding in men generally, will be their kindness and mercifulness, these always indicating more or less firmness of make in the mind." Can any one fancy what our society might be, if all its members were perfect gentlemen and true ladies, if all the inhabitants of the earth were kind-hearted; if, instead of contending with the faults of our fellows we were each to wage war against our own faults ? Every one needs to guard constantly against the evil from INTRODUCTORY. 19 within as well as from without, for as has been truly- said, "a man's greatest foe dwells in his own heart." A recent English writer says: "Etiquette may be defined as the minor morality of life. No observances, however minute, that tend to spare the feelings of others, can be classed under the head of trivialities ; and politeness, which is but another name for general amiability, will oil the creaking wheels of life more effectually than any of those unguents supplied by mere wealth and station." While the social observances, customs and rules which have grown up are numerous, and some perhaps considered trivial, they are all grounded upon principles of kindness to one another, and spring from the impulses of a good heart and from friendly feelings. The truly polite man acts from the highest and noblest ideas of what is right. Lord Chesterfield declared good breeding to be "the result of much good sense, some good nature and a little self-denial for the sake of others, and with a view to obtain the same indulgence from them." Again he says: " Good sense and good nature suggest civility in general, but in good breeding there are a thousand little delicacies which are established only by custom." CHAPTER II. O one quality of the mind and heart ifi more important as an element con- ducive to worldly success than civili- ty that feeling of kindness and love for our fellow-beings which is expressed in pleasing manners. Yet how many of our young men, with an affected contempt for the forms and conventionalities of life, assume to despise those delicate attentions, that exquisite tenderness of thought and manner, that mark the true gentleman. MANNERS AS AN ELEMENT OF SUCCESS. History repeats, over and over again, examples show- ing that it is the bearing of a man toward his fellow- men which, more than any other one quality of his naturej. promotes or retards his advancement in life. The success or failure of one's plans have often turned upon the address and manner of the man. Though there are a few people who can look beyond the rough husk or shell of a fellow-being to the finer qualities (201 OTJK MANNERS. 21 hidden within, yet the vast majority, not so keen- visaged nor tolerant, judge a person by his appearance and demeanor, more than by his substantial character. Experience of every day life teaches us, if we would but learn, that civility is not only one of the essentials of high success, but that it is almost a fortune of itself, and that he who has this quality in perfection, though a blockhead, is almost sure to succeed where, without it, even men of good ability fail. A good manner is the best letter of recommendation among strangers. Civility, refinement and gentleness are passports to hearts and homes, while awkwardness, coarseness and gruffness are met with locked doors and closed hearts. Emerson says: " Give a boy address and accomplishments, and you give him the mastery of pal- aces and fortunes wherever he goes ; he has not the trouble of earning or owning them; they solicit him to enter and possess." In every class of life, in all professions and occupa- tions, good manners are necessary to success. The busi- ness man has no stock-in-trade that pays him better than a good address. If the retail dealer wears his hat on his head in the presence of ladies who come to buy of him, if he does not see that the heavy door of his shop is opened and closed for them, if he seats himself in their presence, if he smokes a pipe or cigar, or has a chew of tobacco in his mouth, while talking with them, or is guilty of any of the small incivilities of life, they will not be apt to make his shop a rendezvous, no mat- ter how attractive the goods he displays. 22 OUB MANNERS. A telling preacher in his opening remarks gains the good will of his hearers, and makes them feel both that he has something to say, and that he can say it, by his manner. The successful medical man inspires in his pa- tients belief in his sympathy, and confidence in his skill, by his manner. The lawyer, in pleading a case before a jury, and remembering that the passions and preju- dices of the jurymen govern them to as great an extent as pure reason, must not be forgetful of his manner, if he would bring them to his own way of thinking. And how often does the motto, " Manners make the man," govern both parties in matters of courtship, the lady giving preference to him whose manners indicate a true nobility of the soul, and the gentleman preferring her who displays in her manner a gentleness of spirit. MANXES AN INDEX OP CHABACTEB. A rude person, though well meaning, is avoided by all. Manners, in fact, are minor morals; and a rude person is often assumed to be a bad person. The man- ner in which a person says or does a thing, furnishes a better index of his character than what he does or says, for it is by the incidental expression given to his thoughts and feelings, by his looks, tones and gestures, rather than by his words and deeds, that we prefer to judge him, for the reason that the former are involun- tary. The manner in which a favor is granted or a kindness done, often affects us more than the deed itself. The deed may have been prompted by vanity, pride, or some selfish motive or interest; the warmth or coldness OUK MANNEBS. 23 with which the person who has done it speaks to you, or grasps your hand, is less likely to deceive. The manner of doing any thing, it has been truly said, is that which stamps its life and character on any action. A favor may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent r.ny feeling of obligation, or it may be refused so cour- teously as to awaken more kindly feelings than if it had been ungraciously granted. THB TRUE GENTLEMAN. Politeness is benevolence in small things. A true gentleman must regard the rights and feelings of others, even in matters the most trivial. He respects the indi- viduality of others, just as he wishes others to respect his own. In society he is quiet, easy, unobtrusive, put- ting on no airs, nor hinting by word or manner that he deems himself better, or wiser, or richer than any one ^bout him. He never boasts of his achievements, or rishes for compliments by affecting to underrate what he has done. He is distinguished, above all things, by his deep insight and sympathy, his quick perception of, and prompt attention to, those small and apparently insig- nificant things that may cause pleasure or pain to others. In giving his opinions he does not dogmatize; he listens patiently and respectfully to other men, and, if compelled to dissent from their opinions, acknowl- edges his fallibility and asserts his own views in such a manner as to command the respect of all who hear him. Frankness and cordiality mark all his intercourse with 24 OUB MANNERS. his fellows, and, however high his station, the humblest man feels instantly at ease in his presence. THE TRUE LADY. Calvert says: "Ladyhood is an emanation from the heart subtilized by culture ;" giving as two requisites for the highest breeding, transmitted qualities and the culture of good training. He continues: " Of the higher type of ladyhood may always be said what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth Hastings, * that unaf- fected freedom and conscious innocence gave her the attendance of the graces in all her actions.' At its highest, ladyhood implies a spirituality made manifest in poetic grace. From the lady there exhales a subtle magnetism. Unconsciously she encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into it, gives confidence and repose. Within her influence the diffident grow self-possessed, the impu- dent are checked, the inconsiderate are admonished; even the rude are constrained to be mannerly, and the refined are perfected; all spelled, unawares, by the flex- ible dignity, the commanding gentleness, the thorough womanliness of her look, speech and demeanor. A sway is this, purely spiritual. Every sway, every legiti- mate, every enduring sway is spiritual; a regnancy of light over obscurity, of right over brutality. The only real gains ever made are spiritual gains a further sub- jection of the gross to the incorporeal, of body to soul, of the animal to the human. The finest and^most char- acteristic acts of a lady involve a spiritual ascension, a OUK MANNERS. 25 growing out of herself. In her being and bearing, pa- tience, generosity, benignity are the graces that give shape to the virtues of truthfulness." Here is the test of true ladyhood. Whenever the young find themselves in the company of those who do not make them feel at ease, they should know that they are not in the society of true ladies and true gentlemen, but of pretenders; that well-bred men and women can only feel at home in the society of the well-bred. THE IMPORTANCE OF TRIFLES. Some people are wont to depreciate these kind and ten- der qualities as trifles; but trifles, it must be remembered, make up the aggregate of human life. The petty incivili- ties, slight rudenesses and neglects of which men are guilty, without thought, or from lack of foresight or sym- pathy, are often remembered, while the great acts per- formed by the same persons are often forgotten. There is no society where smiles, pleasant looks and animal spirits are not welcomed and deemed of more importance than sallies of wit, or refinements of understanding. The lit- tle civilities, which form the small change of life may appear separately of little moment, but, like the spare pennies which amount to such large fortunes in a life- time, they owe their importance to repetition and accum- ulation. VALUE OF PLEASING MANNERS. The man who succeeds in any calling in life is almost invariably he who has shown a willingness to please and to be pleased, who has responded heartily to the advan- 26 CUE MANNERS. ces of others, through nature and habit, while his rival has sniffed and frowned and snubbed away every help- ing hand. " The charming mauners of the Duke of Marlborough," it is said, " often changed an enemy to a friend, and to be denied a favor by him was more pleas- ing than to receive one from another. It was these per- sonal graces that made him both rich and great. His address was so exquisitely fascinating as to dissolve fierce jealousies and animosities, lull suspicion and beguile the subtlest diplomacy of its arts. His fascin- ating smile and winning tongue, equally with his sharp sword, swayed the destinies of empires." The gracious manners of Charles James Fox preserved him from per- sonal dislike, even when he had gambled away his last shilling, and politically, was the most unpopular man in England. MANNERS AND PERSONAL APPEARANCE. A charming manner not only enhances personal beauty, but even hides ugliness and makes plainness agreeable. An ill-favored countenance is not neces- sarily a stumbling-block, at the outset, to its owner, which cannot be surmounted, for who does not know how much a happy manner often does to neutralize the ill effects of forbidding looks ? The fascination of the demagogue TVilkes's manner triumphed over both phys- ical and moral deformity, rendering even his ugliness agreeable; and he boasted to Lord Townsend, one of the handsomest men in Great Britain, that "with half an hour's start he would get ahead of his lordship in the CUE MANNERS. 27 affections of any woman in the kingdom." The ugliest Frenchman, perhaps, that ever lived was Mirabeau; yet such was the witchery of his manner, that the belt of no gay Lothario was hung with a greater number of bleed- ing female hearts than this " thunderer of the tribune," O whose looks were so hideous that he was compared to a tiger pitted with the small-pox. FOETUSES MADE BY PLEASING MANNERS. Pleasing manners have made the fortunes of men in all professions and in every walk of life of lawyers, doctors, clergymen, merchants, clerks and mechanics and instances of this are so numerous that they may be recalled by almost any person. The politician who has the advantage of a courteous, graceful and pleasing man- ner finds himself an easy winner in the race with rival candidates, for every voter with whom he speaks becomes instantly his friend. Civility is to a man what beauty is to a woman. It creates an instantaneous impression in his behalf, while gruffness or coarseness excites as quick a prejudice against him. It is an ornament, worth more as a means of winning favor than the finest clothes and jewels ever worn. Lord Chesterfield said the art of pleasing is, in truth, the art of rising, of distinguishing one's self, of making a figure and a fortune in the world. Some years ago a drygoods salesman in a London shop had acquired such a reputation for courtesy and exhaust- less patience, that it was said to be impossible to pro- voke from him any expression of irritability, or the smallest symptom of vexation. A lady of rank learning 28 OUR MANNERS. of his wonderful equanimity, determined to put it to the test by all the annoyances with which a veteran shop- visitor knows how to tease a shopman. She failed in her attempt to vex or irritate him, and thereupon set him up in business. He rose to eminence in trade, and the main spring of his later, as of his earlier career, was politeness. Hundreds of men, like this salesman, have owed their start in life wholly to their pleasing address and manners. CULTIVATION OP GOOD MANNERS. The cultivation of pleasing, affable manners should be an important part of the education of every person of whatever calling or station in life. Many people think that if they have only the substance, the form is of lit- tle consequence. But manners are a compound of spirit and form spirit acted into form. The first law of good manners, which epitomizes all the rest is, " Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." True courtesy is simply the application of this golden rule to all our social conduct, or, as it has been happily defined, " real kindness, kindly expressed." It may be met in the hut of the Arab, in the courtyard of the Turk, in the hovel of the freedman, and the cottage of the Irishman. Even Christian men sometimes fail in courtesy, deeming it a mark of weakness, or neglecting it from mere thought- lessness. Yet when we find this added to the other vir- tues of the Christian, it will be noted that his influence for good upon others has been powerfully increased, for it was by this that he obtained access to the hearts of OUR MANNERS. 29 others. An old English writer said reverently of our Saviour: "He was the first true gentleman that ever lived." The influence of many good men would be more than doubled if they could manage to be less stiff and more elastic. Gentleness in society, it has been truly said, " is like the silent influence of light which gives color to all nature; it is far more powerful than loudness or force, and far more fruitful. It pushes its way silently and persistently like the tiniest daffodil in spring, which raises the clod and thrusts it aside by the simple persistence of growing." POLITENESS. Politeness is kindness of manner,, This is the out- growth of kindness of heart, of nobleness, and of cour- age. But in some persons we find an abundance of courage, nobleness and kindness of heart, without kind- ness of manner, and we can only think and speak of them as not only impolite, but even rude and gruff. Such a man was Dr. Johnson, whose rudeness secured for him the nickname of Ursa Major, and of whom Goldsmith truthfully remarked, " No man alive has a more tender heart; he has nothing of the bear about him but his skin." To acquire that ease and grace of man- ners which is possessed by and which distinguishes every well-bred person, one must think of others rather than of himself, and study to please them even at his own inconvenience. " Do unto others as you would that others should do unto you" the golden rule of life is also the law of politeness, and such politeness 30 OUR MANNEES. implies self-sacrifice, many struggles and conflicts. It is an art and tact, rather than an instinct and inspira- tion. An eminent divine has said: "A noble and attractive every-day bearing comes of goodness, of sincerity, of refinement. And these are bred in years, not moments. The principle that rules our life is the sure posture-master. Sir Philip Sidney was the pattern to all England of a perfect gentleman; but then he was the hero that, on the field of Zutphen. pushed away the cup of cold water from his own fevered and parched lips, and held it out to the dying soldier at his side." A Christian by the very conditions of his creed, and the obligations of his faith is, of necessity, in mind and soul and therefore in word and act a gentleman, but a man may be polite without being a Christian. CHAPTER III. N acquaintanceship or friendship usually begins by means of intro- tions, though it is by no means uncommon that when it has taken place under other circumstances without introduction it has been a great advantage to both parties; nor can it be said that it is improper to begin an acquaintance in this way. The formal introduction has been called the highway to the beginning of friendship, and the "scraped" acquaintance the by-path. PROMISCUOUS INTRODUCTION. There is a large class of people who introduce friends and acquaintances to everybody they meet, whether at home or abroad, whije walking or riding out. Such promiscuous introductions are neither neces- sary, desirable, nor at all times agreeable. AN INTRODUCTION A SOCIAL ENDORSEMENT. It is to be remembered that an introduction ie regarded as ' a social endorsement of the person intro era 32 INTRODUCTIONS. duced, and that, under certain circumstances, it would be wrong to introduce to our friends casual acquain- tances, of whom we know nothing, and who may after- wards prove to be anything but desirable persons to know. Care should be taken, therefore, in introducing two individuals, that the introduction be mutually agreeable. Whenever it is practicable, it is best to settle the point by inquiring beforehand. When this is inexpedient from any cause, a thorough acquaintance with both parties will warrant the introducer to judge of the point for him or herself. UNIVERSAL INTRODUCTIONS. While the habit of universal introductions is a bad one, there are many men in cities and villages who are not at all particular whom they introduce to each other. As a general rule, a man should be as careful about the character of the person he introduces to his friends, as he is of him whose notes he would endorse. THE INTRODUCTION OP A GENTLEMAN TO A LADY. A gentleman should not be introduced to a lady, unless her permission has been previously obtained, and no one should ever be introduced into the house of a friend, except permission is first granted. Such intro- ductions, however, are frequent, but they are improper, for a person cannot know that an introduction of this kind will be agreeable. If a person asks you to intro- duce him to another, or a gentleman asks to be intro- duced to a lady, and you find the introduction would INTRODUCTIONS. 33 not be agreeable to the other party, you may decline on the grounds that you are not sufficiently intimate to take that liberty. When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both bow slightly, and the gentleman opens conversation. It is the place of the one who is introduced to make the first remark. INFORMAL INTRODUCTION. It is not strictly necessary that acquaintanceship should wait a formal introduction. Persons meeting at the house of a common friend may consider that fact a sufficient warrant for the preliminaries of acquaintance- ship, if there appears to be a mutual inclination toward such acquaintanceship. The presence of a person in a friend's house is a sufficient guaranty for his or her re- spectability. Gentlemen and ladies may form acquaint- ances in traveling, on a steamboat, in a railway car, or a Btage-coach, without the formality of an introduction. Such acquaintanceship should be conducted with a cer- tain amount of reserve, and need not be prolonged be- yond the time of casual meeting. The slightest ap- proach to disrespect or familiarity should be checked by dignified silence. A young lady, however, is not accorded the same privilege of forming acquaintances as is a married or elderly lady, and should be careful about doing so. INTRODUCTIONS AT A BALL. It is the part of the host and hostess at a ball to introduce their guests, though guests may, with perfect 34- INTRODUCTIONS. propriety, introduce each other, or, as already intimated, may converse with one another without the ceremony of a formal introduction. A gentleman, before intro- ducing his friends to ladies, should obtain permission of the latter to do so, unless he is perfectly sure, from his knowledge of the ladies, that the introductions will be agreeable. The ladies should always grant such permis- sion, unless there is a strong reason for refusing. The French, and to some extent the English, dispense with introductions at a private ball. The fact that they have been invited to meet each other is regarded as a guar- anty that they are fit to be mutually acquainted, and is a sufficient warrant for self -introduction. At a public ball partners must be introduced to each other. Special introducing may be made with propriety by the master of ceremonies. At public balls it is well for ladies to dance only, or for the most part, with gentlemen of their own party, or those with whom they have had a previous acquaintance. THB MANNER OP INTRODUCTION. The proper form of introduction is to present the gentleman to the lady, the younger to the older, the in- ferior in social standing to the superior. In introducing, you bow to the lady and say, " Miss C., allow me to introduce to you Mr. D. Mr. D., Miss C." It is the duty of Mr. I>. upon bowing to say, " It gives me great pleasure to form your acquaintance, Miss C.," or a re- mark of this nature. If gentlemen are to be introduced to one another, the INTRODUCTIONS. 35 form is, " Col. Blank, permit me to introduce to you Mr. Cole. Mr. Cole, Col. Blank." The exact words of an introduction are immaterial, so long as the proper form and order it preserved. The word '* present " is often used in place of " intro- duce." Whilf it is customary to repeat the names of the two parties * Produced at the close of the introduc- tion, it is often omitted as a useless formality. It is of the utmost importance that each name should be spoken distinctly. If either of the parties does not distinctly hear the name of the other he should say at once, with- out hesitation or embarrassment, before making the bow, "I beg your pardon; I did not catch (or under- stand) the name," when it may be repeated to him. If several persons are to be introduced to one indi- vidual, mention the name of the single individual first, and then call the others in succession, bowing slightly as each name is pronounced. It is the part of true politeness, after introductions, to explain to each person introduced something of the business or residence of each, as they will assist in opening conversation. Or, if one party has recently returned from a foreign trip, it is courteous to say so. CASUAL INTRODUCTIONS. While it is not necessary to introduce people who chance to meet in your house during a morning call; yet, if there is no reason for supposing that such an introduction will be objectionable to either party, it seems better to give it, as it sets both parties at ease in 36 INTRODUCTIONS. conversation. Acquaintanceship may or may not follow such an introduction, at the option of the parties. People who meet at the house of a mutual friend need not recognize each other as acquaintances if they meet again elsewhere, unless they choose to do so. INTRODUCING RELATIVES. In introducing members of your own family, be care- ful not only to specify the degree of relationship, but to give the name also. It is awkward to a stranger to- be introduced to " My brother Tom," or " My sister Carrie." When either the introducer or the introduced is a married lady, the name of the party introduced can only be guessed at. BESTOWING OF TITLES. In introducing a person give him his appropriate title. If he is a clergyman, say " The Rev. Mr. Clark." If a doctor of divinity, say " The Rev. Dr. Clark." If he is a member of Congress, call him " Honorable," and specify to which branch of Congress he belongs. If he is governor of a State, mention what State. If he is. a man of any celebrity in the world of art or letters, it is well to mention the fact something after this manner: "Mr. Fish, the artist, whose pictures you have fre- quently seen," or "Mr. Hart, author of 'Our Future State,' which you so greatly admired." OBLIGATORY INTRODUCTIONS. A friend visiting at your house must be introduced to all callers, and courtesy requires the latter to cultivate INTRODUCTIONS. 3T the acquaintance while your visitor remains with you. If you are the caller introduced, you must show the same attention to the friend of your friend that you wish shown your own friends under the same circumstances. Persons meeting at public places need not introduce each other to the strangers who may chance to be with them; and, even if the introduction does take place, the acquaintance need not be continued unless desired. THE OBLIGATION OP AN INTRODUCTION. Two persons who have been properly introduced have in future certain claims upon one another's acquaintance which should be recognized, unless there are sufficient reasons for overlooking them. Even in that case good manners require the formal bow of recognition upon meeting, which, of itself, encourages no familiarity. Only a very ill-bred person will meet another with a stare. THE SALUTATION AFTER INTRODUCTION. A slight bow is all that is required by courtesy, after an introduction. Shaking hands is optional, and it should rest with the older, or the superior in social stand- ing to make the advances. It is often an act of kind- ness on their part, and as such to be commended. It is a common practice among gentlemen, when introduced to one another, to shake hands, and as it evinces more cordiality than a mere bow, is generally to be preferred. An unmarried lady should not shake hands with gentle- men indiscriminately. 88 INTRODUCTIONS. THE FIRST TO RECOGNIZE. It is the privilege of the lady to determine whether she will recognize a gentleman after an introduction, and he is bound to return the bow. In bowing to a lady on the street, it is not enough that a gentleman should touch his hat, he should lift it from his head. THE "CUT DIRECT." The " cut direct," which is given by a prolonged stare at a person, if justified at all, can only be in case of extraordinary and notoriously bad conduct on the part of the individual " cut," and is very seldom called for. If any one wishes to avoid a bowing acquaintance with another, it can be done by looking aside or dropping the eyes. It is an invariable rule of good society, that a gentleman cannot "cut" a lady under any circum- stances, but circumstrances may arise when he may be excused for persisting in not meeting her eyes, for if their eyes meet, he must bow. MEETING US THE STSEET. If, while walking with one friend, in the street, you meet another and stop a moment to speak with the lat- ter, it is not necessary to introduce the two who are strangers to one another; but, when you separate, the friend who accompanies you gives a parting salutation, the same as yourself. The same rule applies if the friend you meet chances to be a lady. INTEODUCTION8. 39 raTBODTJCING YOUESELF. If, on entering a drawing-room to pay a visit, you are not recognized, mention your name immediately. If you know but one member of the family and you find others only in the room, introduce yourself to them. Unless this is done, much awkwardness may be occas- ioned. ABOUT SHAKING HANDS. When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she should merely bow but not give her hand, unless the gentleman is a well known friend of some member of the family. In that case she may do so if she pleases, as a mark of esteem or respect. A gentleman must not offer to shake hands with a lady until she has made the first movement. A married lady should extend her hand upon being introduced to a stranger brought to her house by her husband, or by a common friend, as an evidence of her cordial welcome. LETTEES OP INTEODUCTION. Friendly letters of introduction should only be given to personal friends, introducing them, and only ad- dressed to those with whom the writer has a strong personal friendship. It is not only foolish, but positively dangerous to give such a letter to a person with whom the writer is but slightly acquainted, as you may thus give your countenance and endorsement to a person who will take advantage of your carelessness to bring you mio embarrassing and mortifying positions. Again, you 40 INTRODUCTIONS. should never address a letter of introduction to any but an intimate friend of long standing, and even then it should not be done, unless you are perfectly satisfied that the person you are to introduce will be an agreeable and congenial person for your friend to meet, as it would be very annoying to send to your friend a visitor who would prove to him disagreeable. Even amongst friends of long standing such letters should be given very cau- tiously and sparingly. The form of letters of introduction is given in the chapter on "Letter-writing." DELIVERING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION. ~It Is not necessary to deliver a friendly letter of intro- duction to a person who resides in another town. It is better to send it to the person to whom it is directed, on your arrival, accompanied by your card of address. If he wishes to comply with the request of his friend he will call upon you, and give you an invitation to visit him; circumstances, however, might render it exceed- ingly inconvenient, or impossible for the person to whom the letter is addressed, to call upon you; consequently a neglect to call need not be considered a mark of ill- breeding, though by some people it is so considered. The person addressed must consult his own feelings in the matter, and while aiming to do what is right, he is not bound to sacrifice business or other important mat- ters to attend to the entertainment of a friend's friend. In such a case he may send his own card to the address INTKODUCnONS. 4:1 of the person bearing the letter of introduction, and the latter is at liberty to call upon him at his leisure. THE DUTY OP THE PERSON ADDRESSED. In Europe it is the custom for a person with a letter of introduction to make the first call, but in this coun- try we think that a stranger should never be made to feel that he is begging our attention, and that it is indelicate for him to intrude until he is positive that his company would be agreeable. Consequently, if it is your wish and in your power to welcome any one recommended to you by letter from a friend, or to show your regard for your friend's friend, you must call upon him with all possible dispatch, after you receive his letter of introduction, and give him as hospitable a reception and enterta"_ment as it is possible to give, and such as you would be pleased to receive were you in his place. LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES. Letters of introduction to and from business men may be delivered by the bearers in person, and etiquette does not require the receiver to entertain the person intro- duced as a friend of the writer. It is entirely optional with the person to whom the latter is introduced how he welcomes irim, or whether he entertains him or not, though his courtesy would be apt to suggest that some kind attentions should be paid him. CHAPTER IV. 'ARLYLE says: "What we call 'for- mulas ' are not in their origin bad; they are indisputably good. Formula is method, habitude; found wherever man is found. Formulas fashion themselves as paths do, as beaten highways leading toward some sacred, high object, whither many men are bent. Cx>ns_.ier it: One man full of heartfelt, earnest impulse finds out a way of doing something were it uttering his soul's reverence for the Highest, were it but of fitly saluting his fellow-man. An inventor was needed to do that, a poet; he has articu- lated the dim, struggling thought that dwelt in his own and many hearts. This is the way of doing that. These are his footsteps, the beginning of a * path.' And now see the second man travels naturally in the foot- steps of his foregoer; it is the easiest method. In the footsteps of his foregoer, yet with his improvements, with changes where such seem good; at all events with enlargements, the path ever widening itself as more (48) SALUTATIONS. 43 travel it, till at last there is a broad highway, whereon the whole world may travel and drive." SALUTATION ORIGINALLY AN ACT OP WORSHIP. A lady writer of distinction says of salutations: "It would seem that good manners were originally the expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with which we are now familiar, date from those earlier stages when the strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated his allegiance by studied servility. Let us take, for example, the words ' sir ' and ' madam.' * Sir ' is derived from seigneur, sieur, and originally meant lord, king, ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The title of sire was last borne by some of the ancient feudal families of France, who, as Selden .has said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of sire than baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.' 'Madam* or 'madame,' corrupted by servants into 'ma'am,' and by Mrs. Gamp and her tribe into 'mum,' is in substance equivalent to 'your exalted,' or 'your highness,' madame originally meaning high-born, or stately, and being applied only to ladies of the highest rank. " To turn to our every -day forms of salutation. We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our hand to our friend as he passes the window or drives away from 44 SALUTATIONS. our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts has a primary, an historical significance. The very word 'salutation,' in the first place, derived as it is from salutatio, the daily homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a history of manners. " To bare the head was originally an act of submis- sion to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified prostra- tion. A lady's courtesy is a modified genuflection. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and when we wave our hand to a friend on the opposite side of the street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans, who, as Selden tells us, used to stand ' somewhat off before the images of their gods, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it, as if they had cast kisses.' Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady a custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair chatelaine ; and the custom, which began in neces- sity, has traveled down to us as a point of etiquette." SALUTATIONS OF DIFFERENT NATIONS. Each nation has its own method of salutation. In Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In Lap- land your friend rubs his nose against yours. The Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends his head very SALUTATIONS. 45 low. The Moors of Morocco have a somewhat startling mode of salutation. They ride at a gallop toward a stranger, as though they would unhorse him, and when close at hand suddenly check their horse and fire a pistol over the person's head. The Egyptian solicitously asks you, "How do you perspire ?" and lets his hand fall to the knee. The Chinese bows low and inquires, " Have you eaten?" The Spaniard says, " God be with you, sir," or, " How do you stand?" And the Neapoli- tan piously remarks, " Grow in holiness." The German asks, " How goes it with you?" The Frenchman bows profoundly and inquires, " How do you carry yourself." Foreigners are given to embracing. In France and Germany the parent kisses his grown-up son on the forehead, men throw their arms around the necks of their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers. It is a curious sight to Americans, with their natural pre- judices against publicity in kissing. In England and America there are three modes of salutation the bow, the hand-shaking and the kiss. THE BOW. It is said: "A bow is a note drawn at sight. You are bound to acknowledge it immediately, and to the full amount." It should be respectful, cordial, civil or familiar, according to circumstances. Between gentle- men, an inclination of the head, a gesture of the hand, or the mere touching of the hat is sufficient; but in bowing to a lady, the hat must be lifted from the head. If you know peaple slightly, you -recognize them 46 SALUTATIONS. slightly; if you know them well, you bow with more familiarity. The body is not bent at all in bowing; the inclination of the head is all that is necessary. If the gentleman is smoking, he withdraws his cigar from his mouth before lifting his hat to a lady, or if he should happen to have his hand in his pocket he removes it. At the moment of the first meeting of the eyes of an acquaintance you bow. Any one who has been intro- duced to you, or any one to whom you have been intro- duced, is entitled to this mark of respect. The bow is the touchstone of good breeding, and to neglect it, even to one with whom you may have a trifling difference, shows deficiency in cultivation and in the instincts of refinement. A bow does not entail a calling acquaintance. Its entire neglect reveals the character and training of the person; the manner of its observance reveals the very shades of breeding that exist between the ill-bred and the well-bred. RETURNING A BOW. A gentleman walking with a lady returns a bow made to her, whether by a lady or gentleman (lifting his hat not too far from his head), although the one bowing is an entire stranger to him. It is civility to return a bow, although you do not know the one who is bowing to you. Either the one who bows, knows you, or has mistaken you for some one else. In either case you should return the bow, and probably the mistake will be discovered to have SALUTATIONS. 47 occurred for want of quick recognition on your own part, or from some resemblance that you bear to another. THE MANNER OF BOWING. The manner in which the salutation of recognition is made, may be regarded as an unerring test of the breed- ing, training, or culture of a person. It should be prompt as soon as the eyes meet, whether on the street or in a room. The intercourse need go no further- but that bow must be made. There are but few laws whicu have better reasons for their observance than this. This rule holds good under all circumstances, whether witnm doors or without. Those who abstain from bowing at one time, and bow at another, should not be surprised to find that the person whom they have neglected, has avoided the continuation of their acquaintance. DUTIES OF YOUNG TO OLDER PEOPLE. Having once had an introduction that entitles to recognition, it is the duty of the person to recall him- self or herself to the recollection of the older person, if there is much difference in age, by bowing each time of meeting, until the recognition becomes mutual. As persons advance in life, they look for these attentions upon the part of the young. Persons who have large circles of acquaintance, often confuse the faces of the young whom they know with the familiar faces which they meet and do not know, and from frequent errors of this kind, they get into the habit of waiting to catch some look or gesture of recognition. 48 SALUTATIONS. HOW TO AVOID RECOGNITION. If a person desires to avoid a bowing acquaintance with a person who has been properly introduced, he may do so by looking aside, or dropping the eyes as the per- son approaches, for, if the eyes meet, there is no alterna- tive, bow he must. ON PUBLIC PROMENADES. Bowing once to a person upon a public promenade or drive is all that civility requires. If the person is a friend, it is in better form, the second and subsequent passings, should you catch his or her eye, to smile slightly instead of bowing repeatedly. If an acquain- tance, it is best to avert the eyes. A SMILING BOW. A bow should never be accompanied by a broad smile, even when you are well acquainted, and yet a high authority well says: "You should never speak to an acquaintance without a smile in your eyes." DEFERENCE TO ELDERLY PEOPLE. A young lady should show the same deference to an Iderly lady that a gentleman does to a lady. It may also be said that a young man should show proper defer- ence to elderly gentlemen. WORDS OF SALUTATION. The words commonly used in saluting a person are "Good Morning," " Good Afternoon," "Good Evening," SALUTATIONS. 49 " How do you do " (sometimes contracted into " Howdy " and " How dye do,") and " How are you." The three former are most appropriate, as it seems somewhat absurd to ask after a person's health, unless you stop to receive an answer. A respectful bow should accompany the words. SHAKING HANDS. Among friends the shaking of the hand is the most genuine and cordial expression of good-will. It is not necessary, though in certain cases it is not forbidden, upon introduction; but when acquaintanceship has reached any degree of intimacy, it is perfectly proper. ETIQUETTE OF HANDSHAKING. An authority upon this subject says: "The etiquette of handshaking is simple. A man has no right to take a lady's hand until it is offered. He has even less right to pinch or retain it. Two young ladies shake hands gen- tly and softly. A young lady gives her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's unless she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give her hand; a gentleman, of course, never dares to do so seated. On introduction in a room, a married Jady generally offers her hand; a young lady, not. In a ballroom, where the introduction is to dancing, not to friendship, you never shake hands; and as a general rule, an introduction is not followed by shaking hands, only by a bow. It may perhaps be laid down that the more public the place of introduction, the less handshaking takes place. But if the introduction be particular, if it be accompanied by personal recom- 50 SALUTATIONS. mendation, such as, 'I want you to know my friend Jones,' or if Jones comes with a letter of presentation, then you give Jones your hand, and warmly, too. Lastly^ it is the privilege of a superior to offer or with- hold his or her hand, so that an inferior should never put his forward first." When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to shake hands at all, she should give her hand with frankness and cordiality. There should be equal frankness and cordiality on the gentleman's part, and even more warmth, though a careful avoidance of anything like offensive familiarity or that which might be mistaken as such. In shaking hands, the right hand should always be offered, unless it be so engaged as to make it impossible, and then an excuse should be offered. The French give the left hand, as nearest the heart. The mistress of a household should offer her hand to every guest invited to her house. A gentleman must not shake hands with a lady until she has made the first move in that direction. It is a mark of rudeness not to give his hand instantly, should she extend her own. A married lady should always extend her hand to a stranger brought to her house by a common friend, as an evidence of her cordial welcome. Where an introduction is for dancing there is no shak- ing of hands. THE KISS. This is the most affectionate form of salutation, and is only proper among near relations and dear friends. SALUTATIONS. 51 THE KISS OF FRIENDSHIP. The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the cheeks and forehead. In this country this act of affec- tion is generally excluded from public eyes, and in the case of parents and children and near relations, it is per- haps unnecessarily so. KISSING IN PUBLIC. The custom -which has become quite prevalent of women kissing each other whenever they meet in pub- lic, is regarded as vulgar, and by ladies of delicacy and refinement is entirely avoided. THE KISS OP RESPECT. The kiss of respect almost obsolete in this country is made on the hand. The custom is retained in Ger- many and among gentlemen of the most courtly man- ners in England. CHAPTER V. of Calls. HERE are calls of ceremony, of con- dolence, of congratulation and of friendship.' All but the latter are usually of short duration. The call of friendship is usually of less for- mality and may be of some length. MORNING CALLS. " Morning calls," as they are termed, should not be made earlier than 12 M., nor later than 5 p. M. A morning call should not exceed half an hour in length. From ten to twenty minutes is ordinarily quite long enough. If other visitors come in, the visit should terminate as speedily as possible. Upon leaving, bow slightly to the strangers. In making a call be careful to avoid the luncheon and dinner hour of your friends. From two until five is ordinarily the most convenient time for morning calls. (52) ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 53 EVEOTNG CALLS. It is sometimes more convenient for both the caller and those called upon that the call should be made in the evening. An evening call should never be made later than nine o'clock, nor be prolonged after ten, neither should it exceed an hour in length. RULES FOB FORMAL CALLS. The lady of the house rises upon the entrance of her visitors, who at once advance to pay their respects to her before speaking to others. If too many callers are present to enable her to take the lead in conversation, she pays special attention to the latest arrivals, watch- ing to. see that no one is left alone, and talking to each of her guests in succession, or seeing that some one is doing so. A lady who is not in her own house does not rise, either on the arrival or departure of ladies, unless there is some great difference of age. Attention to the aged is one of the marks of good breeding which is never neglected by the thoughtful and refined. It is not customary to introduce residents of the same city, unless the hostess knows that an introduction will be agreeable to both parties. Strangers in the place are always introduced. Ladies and gentlemen who meet in the drawing-room of a common friend are privileged to speak to each other without an introduction; though gentlemen gen- erally prefer to ask for introductions. When introduced ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. . to any one, bow slightly, and enter at once into conver- sation. It shows a lack of good breeding not to do so. When introductions are given, it is the gentleman who should be presented to the lady; when two ladies are introduced, it is the younger who is presented to the older. A lady receiving gives her hand to a stranger as to a friend, when she wishes to bestow some mark of cor- diality in welcoming a guest to her home, but a gentle- man should not take the initiatory in handshaking. It is the lady's privilege to give or withhold, as she chooses. A gentleman rises when those ladies with whom he is talking rise to take their leave. He also rises upon the entrance of ladies, but he does not offer seats to those entering, unless in his own house, or unless re- quested to do so by the hostess, and then he does not offer his own chair if others are available. A call should not be less than fifteen minutes in dura- tion, nor should it be so long as to become tedious. A bore is a person who does not know when you have had enough of his or her company, and gives more of it than is desirable. Choose a time to leave when there is a lull in the conversation, and the hostess is not occupied with fresh arrivals. Then take leave of your hostess, bowing to those you know as you leave the room, not to each in turn, but let one bow include all. Calls ought to be made within three days after a dinner or tea party, if it is a first invitation; and if not, within a week. After a party or a ball, whether ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 55 you have accepted the invitation or not, you call within a week. A lady who has no regular reception day will en- deavor to receive callers at any time. If she is occu- pied, she will instruct her servant to say that she is engaged; but a visitor once admitted into the house must he seen at any inconvenience. A lady should never keep a caller waiting without sending to see whether a delay of a few minutes will inconvenience the caller. Servants should be instructed to return and announce to the person waiting that the lady will be down immediately. Any delay whatever should be apologized for. If, on making a call, you are introduced into a room where you are unknown to those assembled, at once give your name and mention upon whom your call is made. In meeting a lady or gentleman whose name you can- not recall, frankly say so, if you find it necessary. Sen- sible persons will prefer to recall themselves to your memory rather than to feel that you are talking to them without fully recognizing them. To affect not to re- member a person is despicable, and reflects only on the pretender. Gentlemen, as well as ladies, when making formal calls, send in but one card, no matter how many mem- bers of the family they may wish to see. If a guest is stopping at the house, the same rule is observed. If not at home, one card is left for the lady, and one for 56 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. the guest. The card for the lady may be folded so as to include the family. RULES FOE SUMMER RESORTS. At places of summer resort, those who own their cottages, call first upon those who rent them, and those who rent, in turn, call upon each other, according to priority of arrival. In all these cases there are excep- tions; as, where there is any great difference in ages, the younger then calling upon the older, if there has been a previous acquaintance or exchange of calls. If there has been no previous acquaintance or exchange of calls, the older lady pays the first call, unless she takes the initiative by inviting the younger to call upon her, or by sending her an invitation to some entertainment, which she is about to give. When the occupants of two villas, who have arrived the same season, meet at the house of a common friend, and the older of the two uses her privilege of inviting the other to call, it would be a positive rudeness not to call; and the sooner the call is made, the more civil will it be considered. It is equally rude, when one lady asks permission of another to bring a friend to call, and then neglects to do it, after permission has been given. If the acquaintance is not desired, the first call can be the last. CALLS MADE BY CARDS. Only calls of pure ceremony such as are made pre- vious to an entertainment on those persons who are not to be invited, and to whom you are indebted for any ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 57 attentions are made by handing in cards; nor can a call in person be returned by cards. Exceptions to this rule comprise P. P. C. calls, cards left or sent by per- sons in mourning, and those which announce a lady's day for receiving calls, on her return to town, after an absence. RECEPTION DAYS. Some ladies receive only on certain days or evenings, which are once a week, once a fortnight, or once a montH as the case may be, and the time is duly announced by cards. When a lady has made this rule it is considerate, on the part of her friends, to observe it, for it is sometimes regarded as an intrusion to call at any other time. The reason of her having made this rule may have been to prevent the loss of too much time from her duties, in the receiving of calls from her friends. CALLS AFTEE BETROTHAL. When a betrothal takes place and it is formally announced to the relatives and friends on both sides, calls of congratulation follow. The bridegroom that is to be, is introduced by the family of the proposed bride to their connections and most intimate friends, and his family in return introduce her to relatives and acquaintances whom they desire her to know. The simplest way of bringing this about is by the parents leaving the cards of the betrothed, with their own, upon all families on their visiting list whom they wish to have the betrothed pair visitw 58 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. THE CARDS AND CALLS OF STRANGERS., Strangers arriving are expected to send their cards to their acquaintances, bearing their direction, as an announcement that they are in the city. This rule ig often neglected, but, unless it is observed, strangerg may be a long time in town without their presence being known. RETURNING A FIRST CALL. A first call ought to be returned within three or four days. A longer delay than a week is considered an intimation that you are unwilling to accept the new acquaintance, unless some excuse for the remissness i* made. FORMING ACQUAINTANCE. In an event of exchange of calls between two ladies., without meeting, who are known to each other only by sight, they should upon the first opportunity, make themselves acquainted with one another. The younger should seek the older, or the one who has been the reci- pient of the first attention should introduce herself, or seek an introduction, but it is not necessary to stand upon ceremony on such points. Ladies knowing each other by sight, bow, after an exchange of cards. THE FIRST CALL. When it becomes a question as to who shall call first, between old residents, the older should take the initia- tory. Ladies, who have been in the habit of meeting for sometime without exchanging calls, sometimes say ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 59 to each other: "I hope you will come and see me." and often the answer is made: " Oh, you must come and see me first!" That answer could only be given, with propriety, by a lady who is much the older of the two. The lady who extends the invitation makes the first advance, and the one who receives it should at least say: " I thank you you are very kind," and then accept the invitation or not, as it pleases her. It is the custom for residents to make the first call upon strangers. CALLS OP CONGRATULATION. Calls of congratulation are made when any happy or auspicious event may have occurred in the family visited such as a birth, marriage, or any piece of good fortune. Such visits may be made either similar to the morning or the evening call. Such visits may also be made upon the appointment of friends to any important office or honored position, or when a friend has distin- guished himself by a notable public address or oration. p. P. c. CALLS. When persons are going abroad to be absent for a considerable period, if they have not time or inclination to take leave of all their friends by making formal calls, they will send to each of their friends a card with the letters P. P. C. written upon it. They are the initials of " Pour Prendre Conge " to take leave and may with propriety stand for " presents parting compli- ments.*' On returning home, it is customary that friends 60 ETIQUETTE OF CAJ.L8. should first call upon them. A neglect to do so, unless for some good excuse, is sufficient cause to drop their acquaintance. In taking leave of a family, you send as many cards as you would if you were paying an ordin- ary visit. VISITS OP CONDOLENCE. Visits of condolence should be made within a week after the event which occasioned them; but if the acquaintance be slight, immediately after the family appear at public worship. A card should be sent in, and if your friends are able to receive you, your manners and conversation should be in harmony with the charac- ter of your visit. It is deemed courteous to send in a mourning card; and for ladies to make their calls in black silk or plain-colored apparel. It denotes that they sympathize with the afflictions of the family, and a warm, heartfelt sympathy is always appreciated. EVENING VISITS. Evening visits are paid only to those with whom we are well acquainted. They should not be frequent, even where one is intimate, nor should they be protracted to a great length. Frequent visits are apt to become tire- some to your friends or acquaintances, and long visits may entitle you to the appellation of " bore." If you should happen to pay an evening visit at a house where a small party had assembled, unknown to you, present yourself and converse for a few minutes with an unembarrassed air, after which yx>u may leave, ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 61 pleading as an excuse that you had only intended to make a short call. An invitation to stay and spend the evening, given for the sake of courtesy, should not be accepted. If urged very strongly to remain, and the company is an informal gathering, you may with pro- priety consent to do so. KEEP AN ACCOUNT OF CALLS. A person should keep a strict account of ceremonial calls, and take note of how soon calls are returned. By doing so, an opinion can be formed as to how frequently visits are desired. Instances may occur, when, in con- sequence of age or ill health, calls should be made with- out any reference to their being returned. It must be remembered that nothing must interrupt the discharge of this duty. CALLS OF CEREMONT AMONG FRIENDS. Among relatives and friends, calls of mere ceremony are unnecessary. It is, however, needful to make suit- able calls, and to avoid staying too long, if your friend is engaged. The courtesies of society should be main- tained among the nearest friends, and even the domestic circle. " ENGAGED " OB " NOT AT HOME." If a lady is so employed that she cannot receive call- ers she should charge the servant who goes to answer the bell to say that she is " engaged " or " not at home." This will prove sufficient with all well-bred people. 62 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. The servant should have her orders to say " engaged " or " not at home " before any one has called, so that the lady shall avoid all risk of being obliged to inconven- ience herself in receiving company when she has in- tended to deny herself. If there are to be exceptions made in favor of any individual or individuals, mention their names specially to the servant, adding that you will see them if they call, but to all others you are " en- gaged." A lady should always be dressed sufficiently well to receive company, and not keep them waiting while she is making her toilet. A well-bred person always endeavors to receive visi- tors at whatever time they call, or whoever they may be, but there are times when it is impossible to do so, and then, of course, a servant is instructed beforehand to say " not at home " to the visitor. If, however, the servant admits the visitor and he is seated in the draw- ing room or parlor, it is the duty of the hostess to receive him or her at whatever inconvenience it may be to her- self. When you call upon persons, and are informed at the door that the parties whom you ask for are engaged, you should never insist in an attempt to be admitted, but should acquiesce at once in any arrangements which they have made for their convenience, and to protect themselves from interruption. However intimate you may be in any house you have no right, when an order has been given to exclude general visitors, and no excep- tion has been made of you, to violate that exclusion, and ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 63 declare that the party should be at home to you. There are times and seasons when a person desires to be left entirely alone, and at such times there is no friendship for which she would give up her occupation or her soli- tude. GENERAL RULES REGARDING CALLS. A gentleman in making a formal call should retain his hat and gloves in his hand on entering the room. The tat should not be laid upon a table or stand, but kept in the hand, unless it is found necessary from some cause to set it down. In that case, place it upon the floor. An umbrella should be left in the hall. In an informal evening call, the hat, gloves, overcoat and cane may be left in the hall. A lady, in making a call, may bring a stranger, even & gentleman, with her, without previous permission. A gentleman, however, should never take the same liberty. No one should prolong a call if the person upon whom the call is made is found dressed ready to go out. A lady should be more richly dressed when calling on her friends than for an ordinary walk. A lady should never call upon a gentleman except upon some business, officially or professionally. Never allow young children, dogs or pets of any sort to accompany you in a call. They often prove disagree- able and troublesome. Two persons out of one family, or at most three, are all that should call together. It is not customary in cities to offer refreshments to 64 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. callers. In the country, where the caller has come from some distance, it is exceedingly hospitable to do so. Calls in the country may be less ceremonious and of longer duration, than those made in the city. A person making a call should not, while waiting for a hostess, touch an open piano, walk about the room examining pictures, nor handle any ornament in the room. If there is a stranger visiting at the house of a friend, the acquaintances of the family should be punctilious to call at an early date. Never offer to go to the room of an invalid upon whom you have called, but wait for an invitation to do so. In receiving morning calls, it is unnecessary for a lady to lay aside any employment, not of an absorbing nature upon which she may happen to be engaged. Embroi- dery, crocheting or light needle-work are perfectly in harmony with the requirements of the hour, and the lady looks much better employed than in absolute idle- ness. A lady should pay equal attention to all her guests. The display of unusual deference is alone allowable when distinguished rank or reputation or advanced age justifies it. A guest should take the seat indicated by the hostess. A gentleman should never seat himself on a sofa beside her, nor in a chair in immediate proximity, unless she specially invites him to do so. A lady need not lay aside her bonnet during a formal call, even though urged to do so. If the call be a ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 65 friendly and unceremonious one, she may do so if she thinks proper, but not without an invitation. A gentleman caller must not look at his watch during a call, unless, in doing so, he pleads some engagement and asks to be excused. Formal calls are generally made twice a year; but only once a year is binding, when no invitations have been received that require calls in return. In calling upon a person living at a hotel or boarding- house, it is customary to stop in the parlor and send your card to the room of the person called upon. When a person has once risen to take leave, he should not be persuaded to prolong his stay. Callers should take special pains to make their visits opportune. On the other hand, a lady should always receive her callers, at whatever hour or day they come, if it is possible to do so. When a gentleman has called and not found the lady at home, it is civility on the part of the lady, upon the occasion of their next meeting, to express her regret at not seeing him. He should reciprocate the regret, and not reply unthinkingly or awkwardly: "Oh, it made no particular difference," " it was of no great consequence," or words to that effect. After you have visited a friend at her country seat, or after receiving an invitation to visit her, a call is due her upon her return to her town residence. This is one of the occasions when a call should be made promptly and in person, unless you have a reason for wishing to discontinue the acquaintance; even then it would be 66 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. more civil to take another opportunity for dropping a friend who wished to show a civility, unless her character has been irretrievably lost in the meantime. NEW-TEAR'S CALLS. The custom of New- Year's calling is prevalent in all cities, and most villages in the country, and so agreeable a custom is it, that it is becoming more in favor every year. This is the day when gentlemen keep up their acquaintanceship with ladies and families, some of whom they are unable to see, probably, during the whole year. Of late it has been customary in many cities to publish in one or more newspapers, a day or two before New Years, a list of the ladies who will receive calls on that day, and from this list gentlemen arrange their calls. For convenience and to add to the pleasure of the day, several ladies frequently unite in receiving calls at the residence of one of their number, but this is usually done when only one or two members of a family can receive. Where there are several members of a family, who can do so, they usually receive at their own home. Gentlemen call either singly, in couples, by threes or fours and sometimes even more, in carriages or on foot, as they choose. Calls commence about ten o'clock in the morning, and continue until about nine in the even- ing. When the gentlemen go in parties, they call upon the lady friends of each, and if all are not acquainted, those who are, introduce the others. The length of a call is usually from five to fifteen minutes, but it is ofteo ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 67 governed by circumstances, and may be prolonged to even an hour. Refreshments are usually provided for the callers, and should always be offered, but it is not necessary that they should be accepted. If not accepted, an apology should be tendered, with thanks for the offer. Tlv refreshments may consist of oysters, raw or scallop* cold meats, salads, fruits, cakes, sandwiches, etc., u hot tea and coffee. When callers are ushered into the reception-room, they are met by the ladies, when introductions are given, and the callers are invited to remove their overcoats, but it is optional with them whether they do so or not. It is also optional with them whether they remove their gloves. When gentlemen are introduced to ladies in making New- Year's calls, they are not thereby warranted in calling again upon any of these ladies, unless especially invited to do so. It is the lady's pleasure whether the acquaintance shall be maintained. In making Xew- Year's calls, a gentleman leaves one card, whatever may be the number of ladies receiving with the hostess. If there is a basket at the door, LJ leaves a card for each of the ladies at the house, including lady guests of the family, provided there are any. The Xew- Year's card should not differ from an ordinary calling card. It should be plain, with the name engraved, or printed in neat script. It is not now considered in good taste to have " Happy New Year " or other words upon it, unless it may be the residence of the gentleman, 68 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. which may be printed or written in the right hand cor- ner, if deemed desirable. A gentleman does not make calls the first New- Year's after his marriage, but receives at home with his wife. CHAPTER VI. 0t OME of the social observances per- taining to visiting away from one's own home, and accepting the hospi- talities of friends, are here given, and are applicable to ladies and gentlemen alike. GENERAL INVITATIONS. No one should accept a general invita- tion for a prolonged visit. "Do come and spend some time with me " may be said with all earnestness and cordiality, but to give the invitation real meaning the date should be definitely fixed and the length of time stated. A person who pays a visit upon a general invitation need not be surprised if he finds himself as unwelcome as he is unexpected. His friends may be absent from home, or their house may be already full, or they may not have made arrangements for visitors. From these and other causes they may be greatly inconvenienced by an unexpected arrival. (89) TU ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. It would be well if people would abstain altogether from this custom of giving general invitations, which really mean nothing, and be scrupulous to invite their desired guests at a stated time and for a given period. LIMIT OF A PROLONGED VISIT. If no exact length of time is specified, it is well for visitors to limit a visit to three days or a week, accord- ing to the degree of intimacy they may have with the family, or the distance they have come to pay the visit, announcing this limitation soon after arrival, so that the host and the hostess may invite a prolongation of the stay if they desire it, or so that they can make their arrangements in accordance. One never likes to ask of a guest, " How long do you intend to remain ?" yet it is often most desirable to know. TRUE HOSPITALITY. Offer your guests the best that you have in the way of food and rooms, and express no regrets, and make no excuses that you have nothing better to give them. Try to make your guests feel at home; and do this, not by urging them in empty words to do so, but by making their stay as pleasant as possible, at the same time being careful to put out of sight any trifling trouble or inconvenience they may cause you. Devote as much time as is consistent with other engagements to the amusement and entertainment of your guests. ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 71 DUTIES OP THE VISITOR. - On the other hand, the visitor should try to conform as much as possible to the habits of the house which temporarily shelters him. He should never object to the hours at which meals are served, nor should he ever allow the family to be kept waiting on his account. It is a good rule for a visitor to retire to his own apartment in the morning, or at least seek out some occupation or amusement of his own, without seeming to need the assistance or attention of host or hostess ; for it is undeniable that these have certain duties which must be attended to at this portion of the day, in order to leave the balance of the time free for the entertain- ment of their guests. If any family matters of a private or unpleasant nature come to the knowledge of the guest during his stay, he must seem both blind and deaf, and never refer to them unless the parties interested speak of them first. The rule on which a host and hostess should act is to make their guests as much at ease as possible; that on which a visitor should act is to interfere as little as pos- sible with the ordinary routine of the house. . It is not required that a hostess should spend her whole time in the entertainment of her guests. The latter may prefer to be left to their own devices for a portion of the day. On the other hand, it shows the worst of breeding for a visitor to seclude himself from the family and seek his own amusements and occupations regardless of their desire to join in them or entertain him. 72 . ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. You should try to hold yourself at the disposal of those whom you are visiting. If they propose to you to ride, to drive or walk, you should acquiesce as far as your strength will permit, and do your best to seem pleased at the efforts made to entertain you. You should not accept invitations without consulting your host. You should not call upon the servants to do errands for you, or to wait upon you too much, nor keep the family up after hours of retiring. If you have observed anything to the disadvantage of your friends, while partaking of their hospitality, it should never be mentioned, either while you are under their roof or afterwards. Speak only of what redounds to their praise and credit. This feeling ought to be mutual between host and guest. Whatever good is observed in either may be commented upon, but the curtain of silence must be drawn over their faults. Give as little trouble as possible when a guest, but at the same time never think of apologizing for any little additional trouble which your visit may occasion. It would imply that you thought your friends incapable of entertaining you without some inconvenience to them- selves. Keep your room as neat as possible, and leave no arti- cles of dress or toilet around to give trouble to servants. A lady guest will not hesitate to make her own bed, if few or no servants are kept ; and in the latter case she will do whatever else she can to lighten the labors of her hostess as a return for the additional exertion her visit occasions. ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 73 INVITATIONS TO GUESTS. Any invitation given to a lady guest should also mclude the hostess, and the guest is justified in declin- ing to accept any invitation unless the hostess is also invited. Invitations received by the hostess should include the guest. Thus, at all places of amusement and entertainment, guest and host may be together. FORBEARANCE WITH CHILDREN. A guest should not notice nor find fault with the bad behavior of the children in the household where visit- ing, and should put up with any of their faults, and overlook any ill-bred or disagreeable actions on their part. GUESTS MAKING PRESENTS. If a guest wishes to make a present to any member of the family she is visiting, it should be to the hostess, or if to any of the children, to the youngest in preference, though it is usually better to give it to the mother. Upon returning home, when the guest writes to the host- ess, she expresses her thanks for the hospitality, and requests to be remembered to the family. TREATMENT OF A HOST*S FRIENDS. If you are a guest, you must be very cautious as to the treatment of the friends of your host or hostess. If you do not care to be intimate with them, you must be care- ful not to show a dislike for them, or that you wish to avoid them. You must be exceedingly polite and agree- 74: ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. able to them, avoiding any special familiarity, and keep them at a distance without hurting their feelings. Do not say to your host or hostess that you do not like any of their friends. LEAVE-TAKING. Upon taking leave, express the pleasure you have experienced in your visit. Upon returning home it is an act of courtesy to write and inform your friends of your Bafe arrival, at the same time repeating your thanks. A host and hostess should do all they can to make the visit of a friend agreeable ; they should urge him to stay as long as it is consistent with his own plans, and at the same time convenient to themselves; But when the time for departure has been fully fixed upon, no obstacle should be placed in the way of leave-taking. Help him in every possible way to depart, at the same time giving him a cordial invitation to renew the visit at some future period. "Welcome the coining, speed the parting, guest," expresses the true spirit of hospitality. CHAPTER VII. atxd falling N authentic writer upon visiting cards says: " To the unrefined or under- bred, the visiting card is but a tri- fling and insignificant bit of paper; but to the cultured disciple of social law, it conveys a subtle and unmistakable intelligence. Its tex- ture, style of engraving, and even the hour of leaving it combine to place the stranger, whose name it bears, in a pleas- ant or a disagreeable attitude, even before his manners, conversation and face have been able to explain his social position. The higher the civilization of a community, the more careful it is to preserve the elegance of its social forms. It is quite as easy to express a perfect breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards, as by any other method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the safest herald of an introduction for a stranger. Its texture should be fine, its engraving a plain script, its size nei- ther too small, so that its recipients shall say to them- selves, ' A whimsical person,' nor too large to suggest (75) 76 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. ostentation. Refinement seldom touches extremes in anything." CALLING CAEDS. A card used in calling should have nothing upon it but the name of the caller. A lady's card should not bear her place of residence; such cards having, of late, been appropriated by the members of the demi-monde. The street and number always look better upon the card of the husband than upon that of the wife. When nec- essary, they can be added in pencil on the cards of the svife and daughter. A business card should never be used for a friendly call. A physician may put the pre- fix "Dr.," or the affix "M. D.," upon his card, and an army or navy officer his rank and branch of service. WEDDING CARDS. Wedding cards are only sent to those people whom the newly married couple desire to keep among their acquaintances, and it is then the duty of those receiving the cards to call first on the young couple. An ancient custom, but one which has been recently revived, is for the friends of the bride and groom to send cards; these are of great variety in size and design, and resemble Christmas or Easter cards but are usually more artistic. CHRISTMAS AND EASTER CARDS. A very charming custom that is coming into vogue is the giving or sending of Easter and Christmas cards. These are of such elegant designs and variety of colors VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 77 that the stationer takes great pride in decorating his shop windows with them; indeed some of them are so elegant as to resemble oil paintings. Books and other small offerings may accompany cards as a token of remembrance. CAEDS TO SERVE FOE CALLS. A person may make a card serve the purpose of a call, and it may either be sent in an envelope, by messenger or left in person. If left in person, one corner should be turned down. To indicate that a call is made on all or several members of the family; the card for the lady of the house is folded in the middle. If guests are visiting at the house, a card is left for each guest. ENCLOSING A CAED IN AN ENVELOPE. To return a call made in person with a card inclosed in an envelope, is an intimation that visiting between the parties is ended. Those who leave or send their cards with no such intention, should not inclose them in an envelope. An exception to this rule is where they are sent in return to the newly married living in other cities, or in answering wedding cards forwarded when absent from home. P. P. C. cards are also sent in this way, and are the only cards that it is as yet universally considered admissible to send by post. SIZE AND STYLE OP VISITING OB CALLING CAEDS. A medium sized is in better taste than a very large card for married persons. Cards bearing the name of the husband alone are smaller. The cards of unmarried 78 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. men should also be small. The engraving in simple writing is preferred, and without flourishes. Nothing in cards can be more commonplace than large printed letters, be the type what it may. Young men should dispense with the " Mr." before their names. CALLING CARDS. CORNERS OF CARDS TURNED DOWN. The signification of turning down the corners of cards are: Visite The right hand upper corner. Felicitation The left hand upper corner. Condolence The left hand lower corner. To TaJce C Leave \ The ri S ht hand lower corner ' Card, right hand end turned down Delivered in Per- son. VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 79 CARD FOB MOTHER AND DAUGHTER. The name of young ladies are sometimes printed or engraved on their mother's cards; both in script. It is, of course, allowable, for the daughter to have cards of her own. Some ladies have adopted the fashion of having the daughter's name on the same card with their own and their husband's names. GLAZED CARDS. Glazed cards are quite out of fashion, as are cards and note paper with gilt edges. The fashion in cards, how- ever, change *so often, that what is in style one year, may not be the next. p. P. c. CARDS. A card left at a farewell visit, before a long protracted absence, has "P. P. C." (Pour Prendre Conge) written in one corner. It is not necessary to deliver such cards in person, for they may be sent by a messenger, or by post if necessary. P. P. C. cards are not left when the absence from home is only for a few months, nor by persons starting in mid-summer for a foreign country, as residents are then supposed to be out of town. They are sent to or left with friends by ladies just previous to their contemplated marriage to serve the purpose of a call. CARDS OF CONGRATULATION.- Cards of congratulation must be left in person, or a congratulatory note, if desired, can be made to serve 80 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. instead of a call; excepting upon the newly married. Calls in person are due to them, and to the parents wh have invited you to the marriage. When there has been a reception after the ceremony, which you have beea unable to attend, but have sent cards by some member of your family, your cards need not again represent you until they have been returned, with the new residence announced; but a call is due to the parents or relative* who have given the reception. When no wedding cards are sent you, nor the card of the bridegroom, you cannot call without being considered intrusive. One month after the birth of a child the call of congratula- tion is made by acquaintances. LEAVE CARDS IN MAKING FIEST CALL. In making the first calls of the season (in the autumn) both ladies and gentlemen should leave a card each, at every house called upon, even if the ladies are receiving. The reason of this is that where a lady is receiving morning calls, it would be too great a tax upon her memory to oblige her to keep in mind what calls she has to return or which of them have been returned, and ia making out lists for inviting informally, it is often the card-stand which is first searched for bachelors' cards, to meet the emergency. Young men should be careful t write their street and number on their cards. LEAVE CARDS AFTEK AN INVITATION. After an invitation, cards must be left upon those who have sent it, whether it is accepted or not. They must VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 81 be left in person, and if it is desired to end the acquain- tance the cards can be left without inquiring whether the ladies are at home. Gentlemen should not expect to receive invitations from ladies with whom they are only on terms of formal visiting, until the yearly or autumnal call has been made, or until their cards have been left to represent themselves. CABDS IN MEMOBIAM. These are a loving tribute to the memory of the departed ; an English custom rapidly gaining favor with us; it announces to friends the death, of which they might remain in ignorance but for this mark of respect : Stated 5tfv, 1839, itfv &i f Sittfc. , 1876. 3vto tf-uz- UMI iavus o 82 YI8ITINQ AND CALLING CARDS. CARDS OF CONDOLENCE. Cards of condolence left by mere acquaintances must be returned by "mourning cards" before such persons feel at liberty to make a call. When the bereaved are ready to receive calls (instead of the cards) of their acquaintances, " mourning cards " in envelopes, or other- wise, are returned to all those who have left their cards since the death, which was the occasion of the cards being left. Intimate friends, of course, do not wait for cards, but continue their calls, without regard to any ceremonious observances made for the protection of the bereaved. Acquaintances leaving cards should inquire after the health of the family, leaving the cards in person. MOURNING CARDS. On announcement of a death it is correct to call in person at the door; to make inquiries and leave your card, with lower left hand corner turned town. Unless close intimacy exists, it is not usage to ask to see the afflicted. Cards can be sent to express sympathy, but notes of condolence are permissible only from intimate friends. A BRIDEGROOM'S CARD. When only the family and the most intimate friends of a bride and bridegroom have been included in the invitation for the marriage, or where there has been no reception after the marriage at church, the bridegroom often sends his bachelor card (inclosed in an envelope) to those of his acquaintances with whom he wishes to continue on visiting terms. Those who receive a card VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 83 should call on the bride, within ten days after she has taken possession of her home. Some persons have received such a card as an intimation that the card was to end the acquaintance. This mistake shows the necessity of a better understanding of social customs. CHAPTER VIII. HE character of a person is revealed by his conversation as much as by any one quality he possesses, for strive as he may he cannot always be acting. IMPORTANCE OP CONVERSING WELL. To be able to converse well is an attain- ment which should be cultivated by eveiy intelligent man and woman. It is better to be a good talker than a good singer or musician, because the former is more widely appreciated, and the company of a person who is able to talk well on a great variety of sub- jects, is much sought after. The importance, therefore, of cultivating the art of conversation, cannot easily be over-estimated. It should be the aim of all intelligent persons to acquire the habit of talking sensibly and with facility upon all topics of general interest to society, so that they may both interest others and be themselves interested, in whatever company they may chance to be thrown. (84) CONVERSATION. 85 TRAINING CHILDREN. The training for this should be commenced in early childhood. Parents should not only encourage their children to express themselves freely upon everything that attracts their attention and interests them, but they should also incite their faculties of perception, memory and close observation, by requiring them to recount everything, even to its minutest details, that they may have observed in walking to and from school, or in tak- ing a ride in a carriage or in the cars. By training a child to a close observation of everything he meets or passes,' his mind becomes very active, and the habit hav- ing once been acquired, he becomes interested in a great variety of objects; sees more and enjoys more than one who has not been so trained. CULTIVATING THE MEMORY. A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring the art of conversation, and the cultivation and training of this faculty is a matter of importance. Early youth is the proper time to begin this training, and parents and teachers should give special attention to the cultivation of memory. When children are taken to church, or to hear a lecture, they should be required to relate or to write down from memory, such a digest of the sermon or lecture as they can remember. Adults may also adopt this plan for cultivating the memory, and they will be surprised to find how continued practice in this will improve this faculty. The practice of taking notes 86 CONVERSATION. impairs rather than aids the memory, for then a person relies almost entirely in the notes taken, and does not tax the memory sufficiently. A person should also train himself to remember the names of persons whom he becomes acquainted with, so as to recall them whenever or wherever he may subsequently meet them. It is related of a large wholesale boot and shoe merchant of an eastern city, that he was called upon one day by one of his best customers, residing in a distant city, whom he had frequently met, but whose name, at the time, he could not recall, and received his order for a large bill of goods. As he was about to leave, the merchant asked his name, when the customer indignantly replied that he supposed he was known by a man from whom he had purchased goods for many years, and countermanding his order, he left the store, deaf to all attempts at explanation. Though this may be an extreme case, it illustrates the importance of remembering the names of people when circumstances require it. HENBY CLAY'S MEMOEY OF NAMES. One secret of Henry Clay's popularity as a politician was his faculty of remembering the names of persons he had met. It is said of him that if he was once intro- duced to a person, he was ever afterwards able to call him by name, and recount the circumstances of their first meeting. This faculty he cultivated after he entered upon the practice of law in Kentucky, and soon after he began his political life. At that time his memory for names was very poor, and he resolved to improve it. CONVERSATION. 87 He adopted the practice, just before retiring at night, of recalling the names of all the persons he had met during the day, writing them in a note book, and repeat- ing over the list the next morning. By this practice, he acquired in time, his wonderful faculty in remembering the names of persons he had become acquainted with. WRITING AS AN AID TO CORRECT TALKING. To converse correctly to use correct language in conversation is also a matter of importance, and while this can be acquired by a strict attention to grammatical rules, it can be greatly facilitated by the habit of writ- ing down one's thoughts. In writing, strict regard is, or should be, paid to the correct use of language, and when a person, from constant writing, acquires the habit of using correct language, this habit will follow him in talking. A person who is accustomed to much writing, will always be found to use language correctly in speak- ing. REQUISITES FOR A GOOD TALKER. To be a good talker then, one should be possessed of much general information, acquired by keen observation, attentive listening, a good memory, extensive reading and study, logical habits of thought, and have a correct knowledge of the use of language. He should also aim at a clear intonation, well chosen phraseology and cor- rect accent. These acquirements are within the reach of every person of ordinary ability, who has a deter- mination to possess them, and the energy and persever- ance to carry out that determination. 88 CONVERSATION. VULGARISMS. In conversation, one must scrupulously guard against vulgarisms. Simplicity and terseness of language are the characteristics of a well educated and highly culti- vated person. It is the uneducated or those who are but half educated, who use long words and high-sound- ing phrases. A hyperbolical way of speaking is mere flippancy, and should be avoided. Such phrases as " aw- fully pretty," " immensely jolly," " abominally stupid," " disgustingly mean," are of this nature, and should be avoided. Awkwardness of attitude is equally as bad as awkwardness of speech. Lolling, gesticulating, fidget- ing, handling an eye-glass or watch chain and the like, give an air of gaucherie, and take off a certain percent- age from the respect of others. LISTENING. The habit of listening with interest and attention is one which should be specially cultivated. Even if the talker is prosy and prolix, the well-bred person will appear interested, and at appropriate intervals make such remarks as shall show that he has heard and under- stood all that has been said. Some superficial people are apt to style this hypocrisy; but if it is, it is certainly a commendable hypocrisy, directly founded on that strict rule of good manners which commands us to show the same courtesy to others that we hope to receive ourselves. We are commanded to check our impulses, conceal our dislikes, and even modify our likings whenever or wher- CONVERSATION. 89 ever these are liable to give offense or pain to others. The person who turns away with manifest displeasure, disgust or want of interest when another is addressing him, is guilty not only of an ill-bred, but a cruel act. ''PLIPPANCY. In conversation all provincialism, affectations of for- eign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations and slang are detestable. Equally to be avoided are inaccuracies of expression, hesitation, an undue use of foreign words, and anything approaching to flippancy, coarseness, triv- iality or provocation. Gentlemen sometimes address ladies in a very flippant manner, which the latter are obliged to pass over without notice, for various reasons, while inwardly they rebel. Many a worthy man has done himself an irreparable injury by thus creating a lasting prejudice in the minds of those whom he might have made his friends, had he addressed them as though he considered them rational beings, capable of sustain- ing their part in a conversation upon sensible subjects. Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, and the half -opened mouth of the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation. BE SYMPATHETIC AND ANIMATED. Do not go into society unless you make up your mind to be sympathetic, unselfish, animating, as well as ani- mated. Society does not require mirth, but it does demand cheerfulness and unselfishness, and you must 90 CONVEKSATION. help to make and sustain cheerful conversation. The manner of conversation is as important as the matter. COMPLIMENTS. Compliments are said by some to be inadmissible. But between equals, or from those of superior position to those of inferior station, compliments should be not only acceptable but gratifying. It is pleasant to know that our friends think well of us, and it is always agree- able to know that we are thought well of by those who hold higher positions, such as men of superior talent, or women of superior culture. Compliments which are not sincere, are only flattery and should be avoided; but the saying of kind things, which is natural to the kind heart, and which confers pleasure, should be cultivated, at least not suppressed. Those parents who strive most for the best mode of training their children are said to have found that it is never wise to censure them for a fault, without preparing the way by some judicious mention of their good qualities. SLANG. All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society and the standard of thought. It is a great mistake to sup- pose that slang is in any manner witty. Only the very young or the uncultivated so consider it. FLATTERY. Do not be guilty of flattery. The flattery of those richer than ourselves or better born is vulgar, and bora CONVERSATION. 91 of rudeness, and is sure to be received as emanating from unworthy motives. Testify your respect, your admiration, and your gratitude by deeds more than words. Words are easy but deeds are difficult. Few will believe the former, but the latter will carry con- firmation with them. SCANDAL AND GOSSIP. Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vul- garities. Envy prompts the tongue of the slanderer. Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of all interests. A writer on this subject says: "Gossip is a trouble- some sort of insect that only buzzes about your ears and never bites deep; slander is the beast of prey that leaps upon you from its den and tears you in pieces. Slander is the proper object of rage; gossip of con- tempt." Those who best understand the nature of gos- sip and slander, if the victims of both, will take no notice of the former, but will allow no slander of them- selves to go unrefuted during their lifetime, to spring up in a hydra-headed attack upon their children. No woman can be too sensitive as to any charges affecting her moral character, whether in the influence of her companionship, or in the influence of her writings. RELIGION AND POLITICS. Religion and politics are topics that should never be introduced into general conversation, for they are sub- jects dangerous to harmony. Persons are most likely to differ, and least likely to preserve their tempers on 92 CONVERSATION. these topics. Long arguments in general company, how- ever entertaining to the disputants, are very tiresome to the hearers. SATIRE AND RIDICULE. Young persons appear ridiculous when satirizing or ridiculing books, people or things. Opinions to be worth the consideration of others should have the advantage of coming from mature persons. Cultivated people are not in the habit of resorting to such weapons as satire and ridicule. They find too much to correct in them- selves to indulge in coarse censure of the conduct of others, who may not have had advantages equal to their own. TITLES. In addressing persons with titles always add the name; as " what do you think of it, Doctor Hayes ?" not " what do you think of it, Doctor?" In speaking of foreigners the reverse of the English rule is observed. No matter what the title of a Frenchman is, he is always addressed as Monsieur, and you never omit the word Madame, whether addressing a duchess or a dressmaker. The former is "Madame la Duchesse," the latter plain " Madame" Always give a foreigner his title. If Gen- eral Sherman travels in Europe and is received by the best classes with the dignity that his worth, culture and position as an American general demand, he will never be called Mr. Sherman, but his title will invariably pre- cede his name. There are persons who fancy that the omission of the title is annoying to the party who pos- CONVERSATION. 93 sesses it, but this is not the ground taken why the title should be given, but because it reveals either ignorance or ill-breeding on the part of those omitting it. CHRISTIAN NAMES. There is a class of persons, who from ignorance of the customs of good society, or from carelessness, speak of persons by their Christian names, who are neither rela- tions nor intimate friends. This is a familiarity which, outside of the family circle, and beyond friends of the closest intimacy, is never indulged in by the well-bred. INTERRUPTION. Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good-breeding. It has been aptly said that if you interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence, you act almost as rudely as if, when walking with a com- panion, you were to thrust yourself before him and stop his progress. ADAPTABILITY IN CONVERSATION. The great secret of talking well is to adapt your con- versation, as skillfully as may be, to your company. Some men make a point of talking common-place to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler. Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what respects the education of a lady differs from that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted, and in which few, if ,ITTT, are evor interested. A woman of sense has 94: CONVERSATION. as much right to be annoyed by the one, as a woman of ordinary education by the other. If you really wish to be thought agreeable, sensible, amiable, unselfish and even well-informed, you should lead the way, in tete-a-tete conversations, for sportsmen to talk of their shooting, a mother to talk of her children, a traveler of his journeys and the countries he has visited, a young lady of her last ball and the prospective ones, an artist of his picture and an author of his book. To show any interest in the immediate concerns of people is very complimentary, and when not in general rociety one is privileged to do this. People take more interest in their own affairs than in anything else you can name, and if you manifest an interest to hear, there are but few who will not sustain conversation by a narration of their affairs in some form or another. Thackeray says: "Be interested by other people and by their affairs. It is because you yourself are selfish that that other person's self does not interest you." CORRECT USE OF WORDS. The correct use of words is indispensable to a good talker who would escape the unfavorable criticism of an educated listener. There are many words and phrases, used in some cases by persons who have known better, but who have become careless from association with others who make constant use of them. " Because that " and "but that" should never be used in connection, the word " that " being entirely superfluous. The word " vocation" is often used for " avocation." " Unhealthy " food is spoken of when it should be "unwholesome." CONVERSATION. 95 " Had not ought to " is sometimes heard for " ought not to;" "banister" for "baluster;" "handsful" and "spoonsful" for "handfuls" and "spoonfuls;" "it was him" for "it was he;" "it was me" for "it was I;" "whom do you think was there?" for "who do you think was there?"; " a mutual friend " for "a common friend;" "like I did" instead of "as I did;" "those sort of things" instead of "this sort of things;" "laying down" for "lying down;" "setting on a chair" for "sitting on a chair;" "try and make him" instead of "try to make him;" "she looked charmingly" for "she looked charming;" "loan" for "lend;" "to get along" instead of "to get on; " "cupalo" instead of "cupola;" " who " for " whom " as, " who did you see " for "whom did you see;" double negatives, as, "he did not do neither of those things;" "lesser" for "least;" "move" instead of "remove;" "off -set" instead of " set-off," and many other words which are often care- lessly used by those who have been better taught, as well as by those who are ignorant of their proper use. SPEAKING ONE'S MIND. Certain honest but unthinking people often commit the grievous mistake of " speaking their mind " on all occasions and under all circumstances, and oftentimes to the great mortification of their hearers. And especially do they take credit to themselves for their courage, if their freedom of speech happens to give offense to any of them. A little reflection ought to show how cruel and unjust this is. The law restrains us 96 CONVERSATION. from inflicting bodily injury upon those with whom we disagree, yet there is no legal preventive against thig wounding of the feeling of others. UNWISE EXPRESSION OF OPINION. Another class of people, actuated by the best of inten- tions, seem to consider it a duty to parade their opinions upon all occasions, and in all places without reflectiro: that the highest truth will suffer from an unwise and over-zealous advocacy. Civility requires that we give to the opinions of others the same toleration that we exact for our own, and good sense should cause us to remember that we are never likely to convert a person to our views when we begin by violating his notions of propriety and exciting his prejudices. A silent advocate of a cause is always better than an indiscreet one. PROFANITY. No gentleman uses profane language. It is unneces- sary to add that no gentleman will use profane language in the presence of a lady. For profanity there is no excuse. It is a low and paltry habit, acquired from association with low and paltry spirits, who possess no sense of honor, no regard for decency and no reverence or respect for beings of a higher moral or religious nature than themselves. The man who habitually uses profane language, lowers his moral tone with every oath he utters. Moreover, the silliness of the practice, if no other reason, should prevent its use by every man of good sense. CONVERSATION. 97 PUBLIC MENTION OF PBIYATE MATTERS. Do not parade merely private matters before a public or mixed assembly or to acquaintances. If strangers really wish to become informed about you or your affaire, they will find the means to gratify their curiosity with- out your advising them gratuitously. Besides, personal and family affairs, no matter how interesting they may be to the parties immediately concerned, are generally of little moment to outsiders. Still less will the well- bred person inquire into or narrate the private affairs of any other family or individual. OSTENTATIOUS DISPLAY OF KNOWLEDGE. In refined and intelligent society one should always display himself at his best, and make a proper and legit- imate use of all such acquirements as he may happen to have. But there should be no ostentatious or pedan- tic show of erudition. Besides being vulgar, such a show subjects the person to ridicule. PRUDERY. Avoid an affectation of excessive modesty. Do not use the word "limb" for "leg." If legs are really im- proper, then let us, on no account, mention them. But having found it necessary to mention them, let us by all means give them their appropriate name. DOUBLE ENTENDRES. No person of decency, still less of delicacy, will be guilty of double entendre. A well-bred person always VS CONVERSATION. refuses to understand a phrase of doubtful meaning. If the phrase may be interpreted decently, and with such interpretation would provoke a smile, then smile to just the degree called for by such interpretation, and no more. The prudery which sits in solemn and severe rebuke at a double entendre is only second in indelicacy to the indecency which grows hilarious over it, since both must recognize the evil intent. It is sufficient to . let it pass unrecognized. INDELICATE WOKDS AND EXPEESSIONS. v Not so when one hears an indelicate word or express- ion, which allows of no possible harmless interpretation. Then not the shadow of a smile should flit across the lips. Either complete silence should be preserved in return, or the words, "I do not understand you," be spoken. A lady will always fail to hear that which she should not hear, or, having unmistakably heard, she will not understand. VULGAR EXCLAMATIONS. No lady should make use of any feminine substitute for profanity. The woman who exclaims " The Dick- ens !" or " Mercy !" or " Goodness !" when she is annoyed or astonished, is as vulgar in spirit, though perhaps not quite so regarded by society, as though she had used expressions which it would require but little stretch of it imagination to be regarded as profane. CONVERSATION. 99 WIT. You may be witty and amusing if you like,, or rather if you can; but never use your wit |t the expense of others. " Wit's an unruly engine, wildly striking Sometimes a friend, sometimes the engineer; Hast thou the knack? pamper it not with liking; But if thou want it, buy it not too dear. Many affecting wit beyond their power Have got to be a dear fool for an hour." HERBERT. DISPLAY OF EMOTIONS. Avoid all exhibitions of temper before others, if you find it impossible to suppress them entirely. All emo- tions, whether of grief or joy, should be subdued in public, and only allowed full play in the privacy of your own apartments. IMPERTINENT QUESTIONS. Never ask impertinent questions. Some authorities in etiquette even go so far as to say that all questions are strictly tabooed. Thus, if you wished to inquire after the health of the brother of your friend, you would say, " I hope your brother is well," not, " How is your brother's health ?" THE CONFIDENCE OF OTHERS. Never try to force yourself into the confidence of others ; but if they give you their confidence of their own free will, let nothing whatever induce you to betray 100 CONVERSATION. it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never divulge one. USE OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE. Do not form the habit of introducing words and phrases of French or other foreign languages into com- mon conversation. This is only allowable in writing, and not then except when the foreign word or phrase expresses more clearly and directly than English can do the desired meaning. In familiar conversation this is an affectation, only pardonable when all persons present are particularly familiar with the language. PRETENSES. Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pass for what you are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make any little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowledge them as economies, if it becomes necessary to speak of them at all. If you keep no carriage, do not be over- solicitous to impress upon your friends that the sole rea- son for this deficiency is because you prefer to walk. Do not be ashamed of poverty; but, on the other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the faces of others. It is better to say nothing about it, either in excuse or defense. DOGMATIC STYLE OF SPEAKING. Never speak dogmatically or with an assumption of knowledge or information beyond that of those with whom you are conversing. Even if you are conscious of l.iis superiority, a proper and becoming modesty will lead you to conceal it as far as possible, that you may CONVERSATION. 101 not put to shame or humiliation those less fortunate than yourself. If they discover your superiority of their own accord, they will have much more admiration for you than though you forced the recognition upon them. If they do not discover it, you cannot force it upon their perceptions, and they will only hold you in contempt for trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool. FAULT-FINDING. Do not be censorious or fault-finding. Long and close friendship may sometimes excuse one friend in reprov- ing or criticising another, but it must always be done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine oases out of ten had best be left undone. When one is inclined to be censorious or critical, it is well to remember the scriptural injunction, " First cast the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to oast the mote out of thy brother's eye. w CONVERSING WITH LADIES. A gentleman should never lower the intellectual standard of his conversation in addressing ladies. Pay them the compliment of seeming to consider them cap- able of an equal understanding with gentlemen. You will, no doubt, be somewhat surprised to find in how many cases the supposition will be grounded on fact, and in the few instances where it is not, tb.3 ladies will be pleased rather than offended at the dercate compli- 102 CONVERSATION. mcnt you pay them. When you " come down " to com- monplace or small-talk with an intelligent lady, one of two things is the consequence; she either recognizes the condescension and despises you, or else she accepts it as the highest intellectual effort of which you are capable, and rates you accordingly. HOBBIES. People with hobbies are at once the easiest and most difficult persons with whom to engage in conversation. On general subjects they are idealess and voiceless beyond monosyllables. But introduce their special hobby, and if you choose you need only to listen. There is much profit to be derived from the conversation of these persons. They will give you a clearer idea of the aspects of any subject or theory which they may have taken to heart, than you could perhaps gain in any other way. The too constant riding of hobbies is not, however, to be specially recommended. An individual, though he may be pardoned in cultivating special tastes, should yet be possessed of sufficiently broad and general infor- mation to be able to converse intelligently on all sub- jects, and he should, as far as possible, reserve his hobby- riding for exhibition before those who ride hobbies similar to his own. THINGS TO BE AVOIDED. It must be remembered that a social gathering should never be mado the arena of a di^pnto. Consequently CONVERSATION. 103 every subject liable to provoke a discussion should be avoided. Even slight inaccuracy in a statement of facts or opinions should rarely be remarked on in conversation. Do not permit yourself to lose your temper in society, nor show that you have taken offense at a supposed slight. If anyone should assume a disagreeable tone of voice or offensive manner toward you, never return it in com- pany, and, above all, do not adopt the same style of con- versation with him. Appear not to notice it, and gen- erally it will be discontinued, as it will be seen that it has failed in its object. Avoid all coarseness and undue familiarity in addres- sing others. A person who makes himself offensively- familiar will have few friends. Never attack the character of others in their absence; and if you hearjothers attacked, say what you can con- sistently to defend them. If you are talking on religious subjects, avoid all cant. Cant words and phrases may be used in good faith from the force of habit, but their use subjects the speaker to a suspicion of insincerity. Do not ask the price of articles you observe, except from intimate friends, and then very quietly, and only for some good reason. Do not appear to notice an error in language, either in pronunciation or grammar, made by the person with whom you are conversing, and do not repeat correctly the same word or phrase. This would be as ill-bred as to correct it when spoken. 104 CONVERSATION. Mimicry is ill-bred, and must be avoided. Sneering at the private affairs of others has long ago been banished from the conversation of well-mannered people. Never introduce unpleasant topics, nor describe revolting scenes in general company. Never give officious advice. Even when sought for, give advice sparingly. . Never, directly or indirectly, refer to the affairs of others, which it may give them pain in any degree to recall. Never hold your companion in conversation by the button-hole. If you are obliged to detain him forcibly in order to say what you wish, you are pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome, and you com- mit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing. Especially avoid contradictions, interruptions and monopolizing all conversation yourself. These faults are all intolerable and very offensive. To speak to one person in a company in ambiguous terms, understood by him alone, is as rude as if you had whispered in his ear. Avoid stale and trite remarks on commonplace sub- jects; also all egotism and anecdotes of personal adven- ture and exploit, unless they should be called out by persons you are conversing with. To make a classical quotation in a mixed company is considered pedantic and out of place, as is also an osten- tatious display of your learning. A gentleman should avoid talking about his business CONVERSATION. 105 or profession, unless such matters are drawn from him by the person with whom he is conversing. It is in bad taste, particularly, to employ technical or professional terms in general conversation. Long arguments or heated discussions are apt to be tiresome to others, and should be avoided. It is considered extremely ill-bred for two persons to whisper in society, or to converse in a language with which all persons are not familiar. Avoid talking too much, and do not inflict upon your hearers interminably long stories, in which they can have but little interest. CHAPTER IX. Sitting ttt INTNGr should be ranked among the fine arts. A knowledge of dinner- table etiquette is all important in many respects; but chiefly in this: that it is regarded as one of the strong tests of good breeding. Din- ners are generally looked upon as enter- tainments for married people and the mid- dle aged, but it is often desirable to have some young unmarried persons among the guests. WHOM TO Those invited should be of the same standing in soci- ety. They need not necessarily be friends, nor even acquaintances, but, at dinner, as people come into closer contact than at a dance, or any other kind of a party, those only should be invited to meet one another who move in the same class of circles. Care must, of course, be taken that those whom you think agreeable to (108) DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 107 each other are placed side by side around the festive board. Good talkers are invaluable at a dinner party people who have fresh ideas and plenty of warm words to clothe them in; but good listeners are equally invalu- able. INVITATIONS. Invitations to dinner parties are not usually sent by- post, in cities, and are only answered by post where the distance is such as to make it inconvenient to send the note by hand. They are issued in the name of the gen- tleman and lady of the house, from two to ten days in advance. They should be answered as soon as received, without fail, as it is necessary that the host and hostess should know who are to be their guests. If the in dta-. tion is accepted, the engagement should, on no account, be lightly broken. This rule is a binding one, as the non-arrival of an expected guest produces disarrange- ment of plans. Gentlemen cannot be invited without their wives, where other ladies than those of the family are present; nor ladies without their husbands, when other ladies are invited with their husbands. This rule has no exceptions. No more than three out of a family should be invited, unless the dinner party is a very large one. MANNER OF WRITING INVITATIONS. The invitations should be written on small note paper, which may have the initial letter or monogram stamped upon it, but good taste forbids anything more. The envelope should match the sheet of paper. The invita- 108 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. tion should be issued in the name of the host and hostess. The form of invitations should be as follows: An answer should be returned at once, so that if the invitation is declined the hostess may modify her arrangements accordingly. INVITATION ACCEPTED. An acceptance may be given in the following form, and may be sent either by post or messenger: DINNEB GIVING AND DINING OUT. 109 INVITATION DECLINED. The invitation is declined in the following manner: f the cause may be) / s Or, $> Sfalfa- -tf FAILING TO FILL AN ENGAGEMENT. When it becomes absolutely necessary to break an engagement once made for dinner or tea, a note must be sent at once to the hostess and host, with full explan- ation of the cause, so that your place may be supplied, if possible. PUNCTUALITY. The hour generally selected in cities is after business hours, or from five to eight o'clock. In the country or villages it may be an hour or two earlier. To be punc- tual at the hour mentioned is obligatory. If you are too early you are in the way; if too late you annoy the DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. Ill hostess, cause impatience among the assembled guests, and perhaps spoil the dinner. Fifteen minutes is the longest time required to wait for a tardy guest. THE SUCCESS OF A DINNER. A host and hostess generally judge of the success of a dinner by the manner in which conversation has been sustained. If it has flagged often, it is considered proof that the guests have not been congenial; but if a steady stream of talk has been kept up, it shows that they have smoothly amalgamated, as a whole. No one should monopolize conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the appellation of a bore, and be avoided as- such. THE TABLE APPOINTMENTS. A snow-white cloth of the finest damask, beaucitul ehina, glistening or finely engraved glass, and polished plate are considered essential to a grand dinner. Choice flowers, ferns and mosses tastefully arranged, add much to the beauty of the table. A salt-cellar should be within the reach of every guest. Napkins should be folded square and placed with a roll of bread upon each plate. The dessert is placed on the table amidst the flowers. An epergne, or a low dish of flowers, graces the centre; stands of bon-bons and confectionery are ranged on both sides of the table, which complete the decora- tions of the table. The name of each guest, written upon a card and placed one on each plate, marks the seat assigned. 112 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. ASSIGNING PARTNERS FOR DINNER. The number at a dinner should not be less than six^ nor more than twelve or fourteen. Then the host will be able to designate to each gentleman the lady whom he is to conduct to the table; but when the number exceeds this limit it is a good plan to have the name of each couple written upon a card and enclosed in aa addressed envelope, ready to be handed to the gentle- man by the servant, before entering the drawing-room, or left on a tray for the guests to select those which bear their names. If a gentleman finds upon his card the name of a lady with whom he is unacquainted, he requests the host to present him immediately after he has spoken with the hostess, also to any members of the family with whom he is not acquainted. INTRODUCTIONS. All the guests should secure introductions to the one for whom the dinner is given. If two persons, unknown to each other, find themselves placed side by side at a table, they may enter into conversation without an introduction. ARRANGEMENTS OF GUESTS AT THK TABLE. When dinner is announced, the host offers his right arm to the lady he is to escort to the table. The others follow, arm in arm, the hostess being the last to leave the draw- ing-room. Age should take the precedence in proceed- DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 113 ing from the drawing-room to the dining-room, the younger falling back until the elder have advanced. The host escorts the eldest lady or the greatest stranger, or if there be a bride present, precedence is given to her, unless the dinner is given for another person, in which case he escorts the latter. The hostess is escorted either by the greatest stranger, or some gentleman whom she wishes to place in the seat of honor, which is at her right. The host places the lady whom he escorts at his right. The seats of the host and hostess may be in the middle and at opposite sides of the table, or at the opposite ends. Husbands should not escort their wives, or brothers their sisters, as this partakes of the nature of a family gathering. DINNER A LA RUSSE. The latest and most satisfactory plan for serving din- ners is the dinner a la Russe (the Russian style) all the food being placed upon a side table, and servants do the carving and waiting. This style gives an opportunity for more profuse ornamentation of the table, which, as the meal progresses, does not become encumbered with partially empty dishes and platters. DUTIES OF SERVANTS. The servants commence, in passing the dishes, one upon the right of the host and one upon the right of the hostess. A master or mistress should never censure the servants at dinner, however things may go wrong. Servants should wear thin-soled shoes that their steps 8 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. may be noiseless, and if they should use napkins in . j*v- ing (as is the English custom) instead of gloves, Jieir hands and nails should be faultlessly clean. A good servant is never awkward. He avoids coughing, breath- ing hard or treading on a lady's dress; never lets any article drop, and deposits plates, glasses, knives, forks and spoons noiselessly. It is considered good form for a servant not to wear gloves in waiting at table, but to use a damask napkin, with one corner wrapped around the thumb, that he may not touch the plates and dishes with the naked hand. SOUP. Soup is the first course. All should accept it even if they let it remain untouched, because it is better to make a pretense of eating until the next course is served, than to sit waiting, or compel the servants to serve one before the rest,. Soup should not be called for a second time. A souy ! date should never be tilted for the last spoonf uL FISH. Fish follows soup and must be eaten with a fork, un- less fish knives are provided. If fish knives are not pro- vided, a piece of bread in the left hand answers the pur- pose as well, with the fork in the right hand. Fish may be declined, but must not be called for a second time. THE SIDE DISHES. After soup and fish come the side dishes, which must be eaten with the fork, though the knife is used in cut- ting meats and anything too hard for a fork. DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 115 GENERAL RULES REGARDING DINNER. When the plate of each course is set before you, with the knife and fork upon it, remove the knife and fork at once. This matter should be carefully attended to, as the serving of an entire course is delayed by neglecting to remove them. Greediness should not be indulged in. Indecision must be avoided. Do not take up one piece and lay it down in favor of another, or hesitate. Never allow the servant, or the one who pours, to fill your glass with wine that you do not wish to drink. You can check him by touching the rim of your glass. Cheese is eaten with a fork and not with a knife. If you have occasion to speak to a servant, wait until you can catch his eye, and then ask in a low tone for what you want. The mouth should always be kept closed in eating, and both eating and drinking should be noiseless. Bread is broken at dinner. Vegetables are eaten with a fork. Asparagus can be taken up with the fingers, if pre- ferred. Olives and artichokes are always so eaten. Fruit is eaten with silver knives and forks. You are at liberty to refuse a dish that you do not wish to eat. If any course is set down before you that you do not wish, do not touch it. Never play with food, nor mince your bread, nor handle the glass and silver near you unnecessarily. 116 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. Never reprove a waiter for negligence or improper conduct; that is the business of the host. When a dish is offered you, accept or refuse at once, and allow the waiter to pass on. A gentleman will see that the lady whom he has escorted to the table is helped to all she wishes, but it is officiousnsss to offer to help other ladies who have escorts. If the guests pass the dishes to one another, instead of being helped by a servant, you should always help yourself from the dish, if you desire it at all, before passing it on to the next. A knife should never, on any account, be put into the mouth. Many people, even well-bred in other respects, seem to regard this as an unnecessary regulation; but when we consider that it is a rule of etiquette, and that its violation causes surprise and disgust to many people, it is wisest to observe it. Be careful to remove the bones from fish before eating. If a bone inadvertently should get into the mouth, the lips must be covered with the napkin in removing it. Cherry stones and grape skins should be removed from the mouth as unobtrusively as possible, and deposited on the side of the plate. Never use a napkin in place of a handkerchief for wiping the forehead, face or nose. Pastry should be eaten with a fork. Every thing that can be cut without a knife should be eaten with the fork alone. Pudding may be eaten with a fork or spoon. Never lay your hand, or play with your fingers, upon the table. Do not toy with your knife, fork or spoon, DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 117 make crumbs of your bread, or draw imaginary lines upon the table cloth. Never bite fruit. An apple, peach or pear should be peeled with a knife, and all fruit should be broken or cut. WAITING ON OTHERS. If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person, politeness requires him to save them all trouble of procuring for themselves anything to eat or drink, and of obtaining whatever they are in want of at the table, and he should be eager to offer them what he thinks may be most to their taste. PRAISING DISHES. A hostess should not express pride regarding what is on her table, nor make apologies if everything she offers you is not to her satisfaction. It is much better that she should observe silence in this respect, and allow her guests to eulogize her dinner or not, as they deem proper. Neither is it in good taste to urge guests to eat, nor to load their plates against their inclination. MONOPOLIZING CONVERSATION. For one or two persons to monopolize a conversation which ought to be general, is exceedingly rude. If the dinner party is a large one, you may converse with those near you, raising the voice only loud enough to be distinctly heard by the persons you are talking with. 118 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. PICKING TEETH AT THE TABLE. It is a mark of rudeness to pick your teeth at the table, and it should always be avoided. To hold your hand or napkin over your mouth does not avoid the rudeness of the act, but if it becomes a matter of neces- sity to remove some obstacle from between the teeth, then your open mouth should be concealed by your hand or napkin. SELECTING A PARTICULAR DISH. Never express a preference for any dish or any par- ticular portion of a fowl or of meat, unless requested to do so, and then answer promptly, that no time may be wasted in serving you and others after you. DUTIES OP HOSTESS AND HOST. Tact and self-possession are demanded of the hostess, in order that she may perform her duties agreeably, which are not onerous. She should instruct her servants not to remove her plate until her guests have finished. If she speaks of any omission by which her servants have inconvenienced her guests, she must do it with dignity, not betraying any undue annoyance. She must put all her guests at their ease, and pay every possible attention to the requirements of each and all around her. No accident must disturb her; no disappointment em- barrags her. If her precious china and her rare glass are broken before her eyes, she must seem to take but litt^a or no notice of it. The host must aid the hostess in her efforts. He should DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 119 have ease and frankness of manner, a calmness of tem- per that nothing can ruffle, and a kindness of disposition that can never be exhausted. He must encourage the timid, draw out the silent and direct conversation rather than sustain it himself. No matter what may go wrong, a hostess should never seem to notice it to the annoyance of her guests. By passing it over herself, it will very frequently escape the attention of others. If her guests arrive late, she should welcome them as cordially as if they had come early, but she will commit a rudeness to those who have arrived punctually, if she awaits dinner for tardy guests for more than the fifteen minutes of grace prescribed by custom. RETIRING FROM THE TABLE. "When the hostess sees that all h%ve finished, she looks at the lady who is sitting at the right of the host, and the company rise, and withdraw in the order they are seated, without precedence. After retiring to the draw- ing-room, the guests should intermingle in a social man- ner. It is expected that the guests will remain from one to three hours after dinner. ACCEPTING HOSPITALITY A SIGN OF GOOD WILL. As eating with another under his own roof is in all conditions of society regarded as a sign of good-will, those who partake of proffered hospitalities, only to gossip about and abuse their host and hostess, should remember, that in the opinion of all honorable persons, they injure themselves by so doing. 120 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. CALLS AFTER A DINNER PARTY. Calls should be made shortly after a dinner party by all who have been invited, whether the invitation be accepted or not. RETURNING HOSPITALITY. Those who are in the habit of giving dinner parties, should return the invitation before another is extended to them. Society is very severe upon those who do not return debts of hospitality, if they have the means to do so. If they never entertain anyone because of limited means, or for other good reasons, it is so understood, and it is not expected that they should make exceptions ; or if they are in the habit of giving other entertainments and not dinners, their debts of hospitality can be returned by invitations to whatever the entertainment might be. Some are deterred from accepting invita- tions by the feeling that they cannot return the hospi- tality in so magnificent a form. It is not the costly preparations, nor the expensive repast offered which are the most agreeable features of any entertainment, but it is the kind and friendly feeling shown. Those who are not deterred from accepting such invitations for this reason, and who enjoy the fruits of friendliness thus shown them, must possess narrow views of their duty, and very little self-respect, if, when an opportunity pre- sents itself in any way to reciprocate the kind feeling manifested, they fail to avail themselves of it. True hospitality, however, neither expects nor desires any return. DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 121 EXPENSIVE DINNERS NOT THE MOST ENJOYABLE. It is a mistake to think that in giving a dinner, it is indispensable to have certain dishes and a variety of wines, because others serve them. Those who entertain frequently often use their own discretion, and never feel obliged to do as others do, if they wish to do differ- ently. Some of the most enjoyable dinners given are those which are least expensive. It is this mistaken feeling that people cannot entertain without committing all sorts of extravagances, which causes many persons, in every way well qualified to do incalculable good socially, to exclude themselves from all general society. WINES AT DINNERS. The menu of a dinner party is by some not regarded as complete, unless it includes one or more varieties of wine. When used it is first served after soup, but any guest may, with propriety, decline being served. This, however, must not be done ostentatiously. Simply say to the waiter, or whoever pours it, "not any; thank you." Wine, offered at a dinner party, should never be criticized, however poor it may be. A person who has partaken of wine, may also decline to have the glass filled again. If the guests should include one or more people of well-known temperance principles, in deference to the scruples of these guests, wines or liquors should not be brought to the table. People who entertain should also be cautious as to serving wines at alL It is impos- 122 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. sible to tell what harm you may do to some of your highly esteemed guests. It may be that your palatable wines may create an appetite for the habitual use of wines or stronger alcoholic liquors; or you may renew a passion long controlled and entombed; or you may turn a wavering will from a seemingly steadfast resolu- tion to forever abstain. This is an age of reforms, the temperance reform being by no means the least power- ful of these, and no ladies or gentlemen will be censured or misunderstood if they neglect to supply their din- ner table with any kind of intoxicating liquor. Mrs. ex-President Hayes banished wines and liquors from her table, and an example set by the " first lady of the land n can be safely followed in every American household, whatever may have been former prevailing customs. It is safe to say that no " mistress of the White House " will ever set aside the temperance principles established by Mrs. Hayes. CHAPTER X. awl T is of the highest importance that all persons should conduct themselves with the strictest regard to good breeding, even in the privacy of their own homes, when at table, a neglect of such observances will render one stiff and awkward in society. There are so many little points to be observed, that unless a person is habitually accus- tomed to observe them, he unconsciously commits some error, or will appear awk- ward and constrained upon occasions when it is important to be fully at ease. To be thor- oughly at ease at such times is only acquired by the habitual practice of good manners at the table, and is the result of proper home training. It is the duty of parents to accustom their children, by example as well as by precept, to be attentive and polite to each other at every meal, as well as to observe proper rules of etiquette, and if they do so, they need never fear that they will be rude or awkward when they go abroad. Even when persons habitually eat alone, they should pay (123) 124 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. due regard to the rules of etiquette, for by so doing they form habits of ease and gracefulness which are requisite in refined circles; otherwise they speedily acquire rude and awkward habits which they cannot shake off with- out great difficulty, and which are at times embarrassing to themselves and their friends. In private families it should be observed as a rule to meet together at all meals of the day around one common table, where the same rules of etiquette should be rigidly enforced, as though each member of the family were sitting at a stranger's table. It is only by this constant practice of the rules of good behaviour at home, that good manners become easy when any of them go abroad. THE BREAKFAST. At the first meal of the day, even in the most orderly households, an amount of freedom is allowed, which would be unjustifiable at any other meal. The head of the house may look over his morning paper, and the various other members may glance over correspondence or such books or studies as they are interested in. Each may rise and leave the table when business or pleasure dictates, without awaiting for the others or for a gen- eral signal. The breakfast table should be simply decorated, yet it may be made very attractive with its snowy cloth and napkins, its array of glass, and its ornamentation of fruits and flowers. Bread should be placed upon the table, cut in slices. In eating, it must always be broken, never cut, and certainly not bitten. Fruit should TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 125 be served in abundance at breakfast whenever practi- cable. There is an old adage which declares that " fruit is gold in the morning, silver at noon, and lead at night." LUNCHEON. In many of our large cities, where business prevents the head of the family from returning to dinner until a late hour, luncheon is served about midday and serves as an early dinner for children and servants. There is much less formality in the serving of lunch than of din- ner. It is all placed upon the table at once, whether it consists of one or more courses. Where only one or two are at luncheon, the repast is ordinarily served on a tray. DINNER. The private family dinner should be the social hour of the day. Then parents and children should meet together, and the meal should be of such length as to admit of the greatest sociality. It is an old saying that chatted food is half digested. The utmost good feeling should prevail among all. Business and domestic cares and troubles should be, for the time, forgotten, and the pleasures of home most heartily enjoyed. In another chapter we have spoken at length upon fashionable din- ner parties. THE KNIFE AND B'OKK. The knife and fork were not made for playthings, and should not be used as such when people are waiting at the table for the food to be served. Do not hold them erect in your hands at each side of your plate, nor cross 126 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. them on your plate when you have finished, no^ make a noise with them. The knife should only be used for cutting meats and hard substances, while the fork, held in the left hand, is used in carrying food into the mouth. A knife must never, on any account, be put into the mouth. When you send your plate to be refilled, do not send your knife and fork, but put them upon a piece of bread, or hold them in your hand. GREEDINESS. To put large pieces of food into your mouth appears greedy, and if you are addressed when your mouth is so filled, you are obliged to pause, before answering, until the vast mouthful is masticated, or run the risk of choking, by swallowing it too hastily. To eat very fast is also a mark of greediness, and should be avoided. The same may be said of soaking up gravy with bread, scraping up sauce with a spoon, scraping your plate and gormandizing upon one or two articles of food only. GENERAL RULES ON TABLE ETIQUETTE. Refrain from making a noise when eating, or supping from a spoon, and from smacking the lips or breathing heavily while masticating food, as they are marks of ill- breeding. The lips should be kept closed in eating as much as possible. It is rude and awkward to elevate your elbows and move your arms at the table, so as to incommode those on either side of you. Whenever one or both hands are unoccupied, they TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 127 should be kept below the table, and not pushed upon the table and into prominence. Do not leave the table before the rest of the family or guests, without asking the head, or host, to excuse you, except at a hotel or boarding house. Tea or coffee should never be poured into a saucer to cool, but sipped from the cup. If a person wishes to be served with more tea or cof- fee, he should place his spoon in his saucer. If he has had sufficient, let it remain in the cup. If by chance anything unpleasant is found in the food, such as a hair in the bread or a fly in the coffee, remove it without remark. Even though your own appetite be spoiled, it is well not to prejudice others. Always make use of the butter-knife, sugar-spoon and salt-spoon, instead of using your knife, spoon or fingers. Never, if possible, cough or sneeze at the table. At home fold your napkin when you are done with it and place it in your ring. If you are visiting, leave your napkin unfolded beside your plate. Eat neither too fast nor too slow. Never lean back in your chair, nor sit too near or too far from the table. Keep your elbows at your side, so that you may not inconvenience your neighbors. Do not find fault with the food. The old-fashioned habit of abstaining from taking the last piece upon the plate is no longer observed. It is to be supposed that the vacancy can be supplied, if nec- essary. 128 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. If a plate is handed you at the table, keep it yourself instead of passing it to a neighbor. If a dish is passed to you, serve yourself first, and then pass it on. The host or hostess should not insist upon guests par- taking of particular dishes; nor ask persons more than once, nor put anything on their plates which they have declined. It is ill-bred to urge a person to eat of any- thing after he has declined. When sweet corn is served on the ear, the grain should be pared from it upon the plate, instead of being eaten from the cob. Strive to keep the cloth as clean as possible, and use the edge of the plate or a side dish for potato skins and other refuse. CHAPTER XL , parties and galls. ORNING RECEPTIONS, as they are called, but more correctly speaking, afternoon parties, are generally held from four to seven o'clock in the afternoon. Sometimes a sufficient number for a quadrille arrange to remain after the assemblage has for the most part dispersed. THE DRESS. The dress for receptions is, for men, morning dress; for ladies, demi-toilet, with or without bonnet. No low-necked dress nor 0c^o* short sleeves should be seen at day recep- tions, nor white neck-ties and dress coats. The material of a lady's costume may be of velvet, silk, muslin, gauze or grenadine, according to the season of the year, and taste of the wearer, but her more elegant jewelry and laces should be reserved for evening parties. THE REFRESHMENTS. The refreshments for " morning receptions " are gen- erally light, consisting of tea, coffee, frozen punch, 9 (129) 130 BECEPTIONS, PASTIES AND BALLS. claret punch, ices, fruit and cakes. Often a cold colla- tion is spread after the lighter refreshments have been served, and sometimes the table is set with all the vari- eties, and renewed from time to time. INVITATIONS. Invitations to a reception are simple, and are usually very informal. Frequently the lady's card is sent with the simple inscription, " At Home Thursday, from four to seven." No answers are expected to these invitations, unless "R. S. V. P." is on one corner. One visiting card is left by each person who is present, to serve for the after call. No calls are expected from those who attend. Those who are not able to be present, call soon after. MUSICAL MATINEES. A matinee musicale partakes of the nature of a recep- tion, and is one of the most difficult entertainments attempted. For this it is necessary to secure those per- sons possessing sufficient vocal and instrumental talent to insure the success of the entertainment, and to arrange with them a programme, assigning to each, in order, his or her part. It is customary to commence with a piece of instrumental music, followed by solos, duets, quar- tettes, etc., with instrumental music interspersed, in not too great proportions. Some competent person is needed as accompanist. It is the duty of the hostess to main- tain silence among her guests during the performance of instrumental as well as vocal music. If any are un- aware of the breach of good manners they commit in RECEPTIONS, PAJRTIES AND BALLS. 131 Balking or whispering at such times, she should by a gesture endeavor to acquaint them of the fact. It is the duty of the hostess to see that the ladies are accom- panied to the piano; that the leaves of the music are turned for them, and that they are conducted to their seats again. When not intimately acquainted with them, the hostess should join in expressing gratification. The dress at a musical matinee is the same as at a reception, only bonnets are more generally dispensed with. Those who have taken part, often remain for a hot supper. PARTIES IN THE COUNTRY. Morning and afternoon parties in the country, or at watering places, are of a less formal character than in cities. The hostess introduces such of her guests as she thinks most likely to be mutually agreeable. Music or some amusement is essential to the success of such parties. SUNDAY HOSPITALITIES. In this country it is not expected that persons will call after informal hospitalities extended on Sunday. All gatherings on that day ought to be informal. No dinner parties are given on Sunday, or, at least, they are not considered as good form in good society. FIVE O'CLOCK TEA, COFFEE AND KETTLE-DBUMS. Five o'clock tea, coffee and kettle-drums have recently introduced into this country from England. For 132 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. these invitations are usually issued on the lady's visiting card, with the words written in the left hand corner. & Or, if for a kettle-drum: No answers are expected to these invitations, unless there is an R. S. V. P. on the card. It is optional with those who attend, to leave cards. Those who do not attend, call afterwards. The hostess receives her guests standing, aided by other members of the family or inti- mate friends. For a kettle-drum there is usually a crowd, and yet but few remain over half an hour the conventional time alloted unless they are detained by music or some entertaining conversation. A table set in the dining-room is supplied with tea, coffee, choco- late, sandwiches, buns and cakes, which constitute all that is offered to the guests. There is less formality at a kettle-drum than at a larger day reception. The time is spent in desultory conversation with friends, in listening to music, or such entertainment as has been provided. Gentlemen wear the usual morning dress. Ladies wear the demi-toilet, with or without bonnets. RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 133 At five o'clock tea (or coffee), the equipage is on a side table, together with plates of thin sandwiches, and of cake. The pouring of the tea and paesiiig of refresh- ments are usually done by some members of the family or friends, without the assistance of servants, where the number assembled is small; for, as a rule, the people who frequent these social gatherings, care more for social intercourse than for eating and drinking. MORE FORMAL ENTERTAINMENTS. Evening parties and balls are of a much more formal character than the entertainments that have been men- tioned. They require evening dress. Of late years, however, evening dress is almost as much worn at grand dinners as at balls and evening parties, only the material is not of so diaphanous a character. Lace and muslin are out of place. Invitations to evening parties should be sent from a week to two weeks in advance, and in all cases they should be answered immediately. BALLS. The requisites for a successful ball are good music and plenty of people to dance. An English writer says, " The advantage of the ball is, that it brings young peo- ple together for a sensible and innocent recreation, and takes them away from silly, if not from bad ones; that it gives them exercise, and that the general effect of the beauty, elegance and brilliancy of a ball is to elevate rather than to deprave the mind." It may be that the round dance is monopolizing the ball room to a too great 134 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. extent, and it is possible that these may be so frequent as to mar the pleasure of some persons who do not care to participate in them, to the exclusion of " square " and other dances. America should not be the only nation that confines ball room dancing to waltzes, as is done in some of our cities. There should be an eqiial number of waltzes and quadrilles, with one or two contra dances, which would give an opportunity to those who object (or whose parents object) to round dances to appear on the floor. PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL. There should be dressing-rooms for ladies and gentle- men, with a servant or servants to each. There should be cards with the names of the invited guests upon them, or checks with duplicates to be given to the guests ready to pin upon the wraps of each one. Each dressing- room should be supplied with a complete set of toilet articles. It is customary to decorate the house elabor- ately with flowers. Although this is an expensive lux- ury, it adds much to beautifying the rooms. THE MUSIC. Four musicians are enough for a " dance." When the dancing room is small, the flageolet is preferable to the horn, as it is less noisy and marks the time as well. The piano and violin form the mainstay of the band; but when the rooms are large enough, a larger band may be employed. RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 135 THE DANCES. The dances should be arranged beforehand, and for large balls programmes are printed with a list of the dances. Usually a ball opens with a waltz, followed by a quadrille, and these are succeeded by galops, lancers, polkas, quadrilles and waltzes in turn. INTRODUCTIONS AT A BALL. Gentlemen who are introduced to ladies at a ball, solely for the purpose of dancing, wait to be recognized before speaking with ladies upon meeting afterwards, but they are at liberty to recall themselves by lifting their hats in passing. In England a ball-room acquaint- ance rarely goes any farther, until they have met at more balls than one; so, also, a gentleman cannot, after being introduced to a young lady, ask her for more than two dances during the same evening. In England an intro- duction given for dancing purposes does not constitute acquaintanceship. With us, as in Continental Europe, it does. It is for this reason that, in England, ladies are expected to bow first, while on the Continent it is the gentlemen who give the first marks of recognition, as it should be here, or better still, simultaneously, when the recognition is simultaneous. It is as much the gentle- man's place to bow (with our mode of life) as it is the lady's. The one who recognizes first should be the first to show that recognition. Introductions take place in a ball room in order to provide ladies with partners, or between persons residing in different cities. In all 136 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. other cases permission is asked before giving introduc- tions. But where a hostess is sufficiently discriminating in the selection of her guests, those assembled under her roof should remember that they are, in a certain sense, made known to one another, and ought, therefore, to be able to converse freely without introductions. RECEIVING GUESTS. The custom of the host and hostess receiving together, is not now prevalent. ' The receiving devolves upon the hostess, but it is the duty of the host to remain within sight until after the arrivals are principally over, that he may be easily found by any one seeking him. The same duty devolves upon the sons, who, that evening, must share their attentions with all. The daughters, as well as the sons, will look after partners for the young ladies who desire to dance, and they will try to see that no one is neglected before they join the dancers them- selves. AN AFTEB-CALL. After a ball, an after-call is due the lady of the house at which you were entertained, and should be made as soon as convenient within two weeks at the farthest. The call loses its significance entirely, and passes into remissness, when a longer time is permitted to elapse. If it is not possible to make a call, send your card or leave it at the door. It has become customary of late for a lady who has no weekly reception day, in sending invitations to a ball, to inclose her card in each invita- RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 137 tion for one or more receptions, in order that the after- calls due her may be made on that day. SUPPEB. The supper-room at a ball is thrown open generally at twelve o'clock. The table is made as elegant as beauti- ful china, cut-glass and an abundance of flowers can make it. The hot dishes are oysters, stewed, fried, broiled and scalloped, chicken, game, etc., and the cold dishes are such as boned turkey, bceuf'd la mode, chicken salad, lobster salad and raw oysters. When supper is announced, the host leads the way with the lady to whom he wishes to show especial attention, who may be an elderly lady, or a stranger or a bride. The hostess remains until the last, with the gentleman who takes her to supper, unless some distinguished guest is present, with whom she leads the way. No gentleman should ever go into the supper-room alone, unless he has seen every lady enter before him. When ladies are left unattended, gentlemen, although strangers, are at liberty to offer their services in waiting upon them, for the host and hostess are sufficient guarantees for the respecta- bility of their guests. THE NUMBER TO INVITE. Persons giving balls or dancing parties should be careful not to invite more than their rooms will accom- modate, so as to avoid a crush. Invitations to crowded balls are not hospitalities, but inflictions. A hostess is usually safe, however, in inviting one-fourth more than 138 BECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. her rooms will hold, as that proportion of regrets are apt to be' received. People who do not dance will not, as a rule, expect to be invited to a ball or dancing party. DUTIES OF GUESTS. Some persons may be astonished to learn that any duties devolve upon the guests. In fact there are circles where all such duties are ignored. It is the duty of every person who has at first accepted the invitation, and subsequently finds that it will be impossible to attend, to send a regret, even at the last moment, and as it is rude to send an acceptance with ne intention of going, those who so accept will do well to remember this duty. It is the duty of every lady who attends a ball, to make her toilet as fresh as possible. It need not be expensive, but it should at least be clean; it may be simple, but it should be neither soiled nor tumbled. The gentlemen should wear evening dress. It is the duty of every person to arrive as early as possible after the hour named, when it is mentioned in the invitation. Another duty of guests is that each one should do all in his or her power to contribute to the enjoyment of the evening, and neither hesitate nor decline to be introduced to such guests as the hostess requests. It is not binding upon any gentleman to remain one moment longer than he desires with any lady. By constantly moving from one to another, when he feels so inclined, he gives an opportunity to others to circulate as freely; and this custom, generally introduced in our society, RECEPTIONS, PAKTIES AND BALLS. 139 would go a long way toward contributing to the enjoy- ment of all. The false notion generally entertainetl that a gentleman is expected to remain standing by the side of a lady, like a sentinel on duty, until relieved by some other person, is absurd, and deters many who would gladly give a few passing moments to lady acquaint- ances, could they but know that they would be free to leave at any instant that conversation flagged, or that they desired to join another. In a society where it is not considered a rudeness to leave after a few sentences with one, to exchange some words with another, there is a constant interchange of civilities, and the men circu- late through the room with that charming freedom which insures the enjoyment of alL While the hostess is receiving, no person should remain beside her except members of her family who receive with her, or such friends as she has designated to assist her. All persons entering should pass on to make room for others. SOME SUGGESTIONS FOB GENTLEMEN. A gentleman should never attempt to step across a lady's train. He should walk around it. If by any acci- dent he should tread upon any portion of her dress, he must instantly beg her pardon, and if by greater care- lessness he should tear it, he must pause in his course and offer to escort her to the dressing-room so that she may have it repaired. If a lady asks any favor of a gentleman, such as to send a servant to her with a glass of water, to take her 14:0 .RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. into the ball-room when she is without an escort, to inquire whether her carriage is in waiting, or any of the numerous services which ladies often require, no gentleman will, under any circumstances, refuse her request. A really well-bred man - will remember to ask the daughters of a house to dance, as it is his imperative duty to do so; and if the ball has been given for a lady who dances, he should include her in his attentions. If he wishes to be considered a thorough-bred gentleman, he will sacrifice himself occasionally to those who are unsought and neglected in the dance. The conscious- ness of having performed a kind and courteous action will be his reward. When gentlemen, invited to a house on the occasion of an entertainment, are not acquainted with all the members of the family, their first duty, after speaking to their host and hostess, is to ask some common friend to introduce them to those members whom they do not know. The host and hostess are often too much occu- pied in receiving to be able to do this. DUTIES OF AN ESCORT. A lady's escort should call for her and accompany her to the place of entertainment; go with her as far as the dressing-room, return to meet her there when she is pre- pared to go to the ball-room; enter the latter room with her and lead her to the hostess; dance the first dance with her; conduct her to the supper-room, and be ready to accompany her home whenever she wishes to go. He RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 14:1 should watch during the evening to see that she is sup- plied with dancing partners. "When he escorts her home she should not invite him to enter the house, and even if she does so, he should by all means decline the invi- tation. He should call upon her within the next two days. GENERAL RULES FOR BALLS. A young man who can dance, and will not dance, should stay away from a ball. The lady with whom a gentleman dances last is the one he takes to supper. Therefore he can make no en- gagement to take out any other, unless his partner is already engaged. Public balls are most enjoyable when you have your own party. The great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and harmony. All altercations, loud talking and noisy laughter are doubly ill-mannered in a ball-room. Very little suffices to disturb the whole party. In leaving a ball, it is not deemed necessary to wish the lady of the house a good night. In leaving a small dance or party, it is civil to do so. The difference between a ball and an evening party is, that at a ball there must be dancing, and at an even- ing party there may or may not be. A London authority defines a ball to be " an assemblage for dancing, of not less than seventy-five persons." Common civility requires that those who have not been present, but who were among the guests invited, should, when meeting the hostess the first time after an entertainment, make it a point to express some acknowl- 142 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. edgment of their appreciation of the invitation, by regretting their inability to be present. When dancing a round dance, a gentleman should never hold a lady's hand behind him, or on his hip, or high in the air, moving her arm as though it were a pump handle, as seen in some of our western cities, but should hold it gracefully by his side. Never forget ball-room engagements, nor confuse them, nor promise two dances to one person. If a lady has forgotten an engagement, the gentleman she has thus slighted must pleasantly accept her apology. Good-breeding and the appearance of good temper are inseparable. It is not necessary for a gentleman to bow to his part- ner after a quadrille; it is enough that he offers his arm and walks at least half way round the room with her<. He is not obliged to reman beside her unless he wishes to do so, but may leave her with any lady whom she knows. Never be seen without gloves in a ball-room, or with those of any other color than white, unless they are of the most delicate hue. Though not customary for a married couple to dance together in society, those men who wish to show their wives the compliment of such unusual attention, if they possess any independence, will not be deterred from doing so by their fear of any comments from Mrs. Grundy. The sooner that we recover from the effects of the Puritanical idea that clergymen should never be seen at RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 143 Iballs, the better for all who attend them. Where it is wrong for a clergyman to go, it is wrong for any mem- ber of his church to be seen. In leaving a ball room before the music has ceased, if no members of the family are in sight, it is not necessary to find them before taking your departure. If, how- ever, the invitation is a first one, endeavor not to make your exit until you have thanked your hostess for the entertainment. You can speak of the pleasure it has afforded you, but it is not necessary that you should say "it has been a grand success." Young ladies must be careful how they refuse to dance, for unless a good reason is given, a gentleman is apt to take it as evidence of personal dislike. After a lady refuses, the gentleman should not urge her to dance, nor should the lady accept another invitation for the same dance. The members of the household should see that those guests who wish to dance are provided with partners. Ladies leaving a ball or party should not allow gentle- men to see them to their carriages, unless overcoats and hats are on for departure. When balls are given, if the weather is bad, an awning should be provided for the protection of those passing from their carriages to the house. In all cases, a broad piece of carpet should be spread from the door to the carriage steps. Gentlemen should engage their partners for the approaching dance, before the music strikes up. In a private dance, a lady cannot well refuse to dance RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. with any gentleman who invites her, unless she has a previous engagement. If she declines from weariness, the gentleman will sJbow her a compliment by abstaining from dancing himself, and remaining with her while the dance progresses. CHAPTER XII. of tfte TTE manners of a person are clearly shown by his treatment of the peo- ple he meets in the public streets of a city or village, in public convey- ances and in traveling generally. The true gentleman, at all times, in all places, and under all circumstan- ces, is kind and courteous to all he meets, regards not only the rights, but the wishes and feelings of others, is deferential to women and to elderly men, and is ever ready to extend his aid to those who need it. THE STREET MANNERS OF A LADY. The true lady walks the street, wrapped in a mantle of proper reserve, so impenetrable that insult and coarse familiarity shrink from her, while she, at the same time, carries with her a congenial atmosphere which attracts all, and puts all at their ease. A lady walks quietly through the streets, seeing and hearing nothing that she ought not to see and hear, recog- 10 (1451 146 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. nizing acquaintances with a courteous bow, and friends with words of greeting. She is always unobtrusive, never talks loudly, or laughs boisterously, or does any- thing to attract the attention of the passers-by. She walks along in her own quiet, lady-like way, and by her pre-occupation is secure from any annoyance to which a person of less perfect breeding might be subjected. A lady never demands attention and favors from a gentleman, but, when voluntarily offered, accepts them gratefully, graciously, and with an expression of hearty thanks. FORMING STREET ACQUAINTANCES. A lady never forms an acquaintance upon the street, or seeks to attract the attention or admiration of persons of the other sex. To do so would render false her claims to ladyhood, if it did not make her liable to far graver charges. RECOGNIZING FRIENDS IN THE STREET. No one, while walking the streets, should fail, through pre-occupation, or absent-mindedness, to recognize friends or acquaintances, either by a bow or some form of salu- tation. If two gentlemen stop to talk, they should retire to one side of the walk. If a stranger should be in com- pany with one of the gentlemen, an introduction is not necessary. If a gentleman meets another gentleman in company with a lady whom he does not know, he lifts his hat to salute them both. If he knows the lady, he should salute her first. The gentleman who accompanies a lady, always returns a salutation made to her. ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 147 A CROWDED STREET. "When a gentleman and lady are walking in the street, if at any place, by reason of the crowd, or from other cause, they are compelled to proceed singly, the gentle- man should always precede his companion. INTRUSIVE INQUIRIES. If you meet or join or are visited by a person who has any article whatever, under his arm or in his hand, and he does not offer to show it to you, you should not, even if it be your most intimate friend, take it from him and look at it. That intrusive curiosity is very inconsistent with the delicacy of a well-bred man, and always offends in some degree. THE FIRST TO BOW. In England strict etiquette requires that a lady, meet- ing upon the street a gentleman with whom she has acquaintance, shall give the first bow of recognition. In this country, however, good sense does not insist upon an imperative following of this rule. A well-bred man bows and raises his hat to every lady of his acquaintance whom he meets, without waiting for her to take the in- itiative. If she is well-bred, she will certainly respond to his salutation. As politeness requires that each salute the other, their salutations will thus be simultaneous. ALWAYS RECOGKIZE ACQUAINTANCES. One should always recognize lady acquaintances in the street, either by bowing or words of greeting, a gen- 148 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. tleraan lifting his hat. If they stop to speak, it is not obligatory to shake hands. Shaking hands is not for- bidden, but in most cases it is to be avoided in public. GENTLEMAN MEETING A LADY. BOWING TO STRANGERS WITH FRIENDS. If a gentleman meets a friend, and the latter has a stranger with him, all three should bow. If the gentle- man stops his friend to speak to him, he should apolo- gize to the stranger for detaining him. If the stranger is a lady, the same deference should be shown as if she were an acquaintance. ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 14:9 DO NOT LACK POLITENESS. Never hesitate in acts of politeness for fear they will not be recognized or returned. One cannot be too polite so long as he conforms to rules, while it is easy to lack politeness by neglect of them. Besides, if cour- tesy is met by neglect or rebuff, it is not for the cour- teous person to feel mortification, but the booris-h one; and so all lookers-on will regard the matter. TALKING WITH A LADY IN THE STREET. In meeting a lady it is optional with her whether she shall pause to speak. If the gentleman has any- thing to say to her, he should not stop her, but turn around and walk in her company until he has said what he has to say, when he may leave her with a bow and a lift of the hat. LADT AND GENTLEMAN WALKING TOGETHER. A gentleman walking with a lady should treat her with the most scrupulous politeness, and may take either side of the walk. It is customary for the gentleman to have the lady on his right hand side, and he offers her his right arm, when walking arm in arm. If, however, the street is crowded, the gentleman must keep the lady on that side of him where she will be the least exposed to crowding. OFFERING THE ARM TO A LADY. A gentleman should, in the evening, or whenever her safety, comfort or convenience seems to require it, offer 150 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. a lady companion his arm. At other times it is not cus- tomary to do so unless the parties be husband and wife or engaged. In the latter case, it is not always advis- able to do so, as they may be made the subject of unjust remarks. KEEPING STEP. In walking together, especially when arm in arm, it is desirable that the two keep step. Ladies should be par- ticular to adapt their pace as far as practicable, to that of their escort. It is easily done. OPENING THE DOOE FOB A LADY. A gentleman should always hold open the door for a lady to enter first. This is obligatory, not only in the case of the lady who accompanies him, but also in that of any strange lady who chances to be about to enter at the same time. ANSWERING QUESTIONS. A gentleman will answer courteously any questions which a lady may address to him upon the street, at the same time lifting his hat, or at least touching it re- spectfully. SMOKING UPON THE STREETS. In England a well-bred man never smokes upon the streets. While this rule does not hold good in this country, yet no gentleman will ever insult a lady by smoking in the streets in her company, and in meeting and saluting a lady he will always remove his cigar from his mouth. ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 151 OFFENSIVE BEHAVIOR. No gentleman is ever guilty of the offense of standing on street corners and the steps of hotels or other public places and boldly scrutinizing every lady who passes. CARRYING PACKAGES. A gentleman will never permit a lady with whom he is walking to carry a package of any kind, but will in- sist upon relieving her of it. He may even accost a lady when he sees her overburdened and offer his assist- ance, if their ways lie in the same direction. SHOUTING. Never speak to your acquaintances from one side of the street to the other. Shouting is a certain sign of vulgarity. First approach, and then make your com- munication to your acquaintance or friend in a moder- ately loud tone of voice. TWO GENTLEMEN WALKING WITH A LADY. "When two gentlemen are walking with a lady in the street they should not be both upon the same side of her, but one of them should walk upon the outside and the other upon the inside. CROSSING THE STREET WITH A LADY. If a gentleman is walking with a lady who has his arm, and they cross the street, it is better not to disen- gage the arm, and go round upon the outside. Such 152 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. effort evinces a palpable attention to form, and that is always to be avoided. FULFILLING AN ENGAGEMENT. When on your way to fill an engagement, if a friend stops you on the street you may, without committing a breach of etiquette, tell him of your appointment, and release yourself from any delay that may be occasioned by a long talk ; but do so in a courteous manner, ex- pressing regret for the necessity. WALKING WITH A LADY ACQUAINTANCE. A gentleman should not join a lady acquaintance on the street for the purpose of walking with her, unless he ascertains that his company would be perfectly agree- able to her. It might be otherwise, and she should frankly say so, if asked. PASSING BEFORE A LADY. When a lady wishes to enter a store, house or room, if a gentleman accompanies her, he should hold the door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; for a gentleman must never pass before a lady anywhere if he can avoid it, or without an apology. SHOPPING ETIQUETTE. In inquiring for goods at a store or shop, do not say to the clerk or salesman, " I want " such an article, but, " Please show me " such an article, or some other polite form of address. ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 153 You should never take hold of a piece of goods or an article which another person is examining. Wait until It is replaced upon the counter, when you are at liberty to examine it. It is rude to interrupt friends whom you meet in a store before they have finished making their purchases, or to ask their attention to your own purchases. It is rude to offer your opinion unasked, upon their judg- ment or taste, in the selection of goods. It is rude to sneer at and depreciate goods, and exceed- ingly discourteous to the salesman. Use no deceit, but be honest with them, if you wish them to be honest with you. Avoid "jewing down" the prices of articles in any way. If the price does not suit, you may say so quietly, and depart, but it is generally best to say nothing about it. It is an insult for the salesman to offensively suggest that you can do better elsewhere, which should be resented by instant departure. Ladies should not monopolize the time and attention of salesmen in small talk, while other customers are in the store to be waited upon. Whispering in a store is rude. Loud and showy be- haviour is exceedingly vulgar. ETIQUETTE FOB PUBLIC CONVEYANCES. In street cars, omnibuses and other public street con- veyances, it should be the endeavor of each passenger to make room for all persons entering, and no gentle- 154: ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. man will retain his seat when there are ladies standing. When a lady accepts a seat from a gentleman, she ex- presses her thanks in a kind and pleasant manner. A lady may, with perfect propriety, accept the offer of services from a stranger in alighting from, or enter- ing an omnibus or other public conveyance, and should always acknowledge the courtesy with a pleasant " Thank you, sir," or a bow. Never talk politics or religion in a public conveyance. Gentlemen should not cross their legs, nor stretch their feet out into the passage-way of a public convey- ance. AVOID CUTTING. No gentleman will refuse to recognize a lady after she has recognized him, under any circumstances. A young lady should, under no provoation, "cut" a married lady. It is the privilege of age to first recognize those who are younger in years. No young man will fail to recognize an aged one after he has met with recognition. " Cutting " is to be avoided if possible. There are other ways of convincing a man that you do not know him, yet, to young ladies, it is sometimes the only means available to rid them of troublesome acquaintances. " Cutting " consists in returning a bow or recognition with a stare, and is publicly ignoring the acquaintance of the person so treated. It is sometimes done by words in saying, "Really I have not the pleasure of your acquaintance." ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 155 AVOIDING CARRIAGES. For a lady to run across the street to avoid an ap- proaching carriage is inelegant and also dangerous. To attempt to cross the street between the carriages of a funeral procession, is rude and disrespectful. The for- eign custom of removing the hat and standing in a respectful attitude until the melancholy train has passed, is a commendable one to be followed in this country. KEEP TO THE BIGHT. On meeting and passing people in the street, keep to your right hand, except when a gentleman is walking alone; then he must always turn aside to give the pre- ferred side of the walk to a lady, to anyone carrying a heavy load, to a clergyman or to an old gentleman. SOME GENERAL SUGGESTIONS. If a gentleman is walking with two ladies in a rain storm, and there is but one umbrella, he should give it to his companions and walk outside. Nothing can be more absurd than to see a gentleman walking between two ladies holding an umbrella which perfectly protects himself, but half deluges his companions with its drip- ping streams. Never turn a corner at full speed or you may find yourself knocked down, or may knock down another, by the violent contact. Always look in the way you are going or you may chance to meet some awkward col- lision. 156 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. A young lady should, if possible, avoid walking alone in the street after dark. If she passes the evening with a friend, provision should be made beforehand for an escort. If this is not practicable, the person at whose house she is visiting should send a servant with her, or some proper person a gentleman acquaintance present, or her own husband to perform the duty. A married lady may, however, disregard this rule, if circumstances prevent her being able to conveniently find an escort. A gentleman will always precede a lady up a flight of stairs, and allow her to precede him in going down. Do not quarrel with a hack-driver about his fare, but pay him and dismiss him. If you have a complaint to make against him, take his name and make it to the proper authorities. It is rude to keep a lady waiting while you are disputing with a hack-man. CHAPTER XIII. of xxMic LL well-bred persons will conduct themselves at all times and in all places with perfect decorum. Wherever they meet people they will be found polite, considerate of the comfort, convenience and wishes of others, and unobtrusive in their behavior. They seem to know, as if by instinct, how to conduct themselves, wherever they may go, or in whatever society they may be thrown. They con- sider at all times the fitness of things, and their actions and speech are governed by feelings of gentleness and kindness towards everybody with whom they come into social relations, having a due consideration for the opinions and prejudices of others, and doing nothing to wound their feelings. Many people, however, either from igno- rance, thoughtlessness or carelessness, are constantly violating some of the observances of etiquette pertaining to places of public assemblages. It is for this reason that rules are here given by which may be regulated the (157) 158 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. conduct of people in various public gatherings, where awkwardness and ostentatious display often call forth unfavorable criticism. CONDUCT IK CHURCH. A gentleman should remove his hat upon entering the auditorium. When visiting a strange church, you should wait in the vestibule until an usher appears to show you to a seat. A gentleman may walk up the aisle either a little ahead of, or by the side of a lady, allowing the lady to first enter the pew. There should be no haste in pass- ing up the aisle. People should preserve the utmost silence and deco- rum in church, and avoid whispering, laughing, staring, or making a noise of any kind with the feet or hands. It is ill-mannered to be late at church. If one is unavoidably late, it is better to take a pew as near the door as possible. Ladies always take the inside seats, and gentlemen the outside or head of the pew. When a gentleman accompanies a lady, however, it is customary for him to sit by her side during church services. A person should never leave church until the services are over, except in some case of emergency. Do not turn around in your seat to gaze at anyone, to watch the choir, to look over the congregation or to see the cause of any disturbing noise. If books or fans are passed in church, let them be ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 159 offered and accepted or refused with a silent gesture of the head. It is courteous to see that strangers are provided with Books; and if the service is strange to them, the places for the day's reading should be indicated. It is perfectly proper to offer to share the prayer-book or hymn-book with a stranger if there is no separate book for his use. In visiting a church of a different belief from your own, pay the utmost respect to the services and conform in all things to the observances of the church that is, kneel, sit and rise with the congregation. No matter how grotesquely some of the forms and observances may strike you, let no smile or contemptuous remark indicate the fact while in the church. When the services are concluded, there should be no haste in crowding up the aisle, but the departure should be conducted quietly and decorously. When the vesti- fcule is reached, it is allowable to exchange greetings with friends, but here there should be no loud talking nor boisterous laughter. Neither should gentlemen congregate in knots in the vestibule or upon the steps of the church and compel ladies to run the gauntlet of their eyes and tongues. If a Protestant gentleman accompanies a lady who is a Roman Catholic to her own church, it is an act of courtesy to offer the holy water. This he must do with the ungloved right hand. In visiting a church for the mere purpose of seeing the edifice, one should always go at a time when there 160 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. are no services being held. If people are even the* found at their devotions, as is apt to be the case in Roman Catholic churches especially, the demeanor of the visitor should be respectful and subdued and hie voice low, so that he may not disturb them. INVITATION TO OPEKA OB CONCERT. A gentleman upon inviting a lady to accompany him to opera, theatre, concert or other public place of amuse- ment, must send his invitation the previous day. The lady must reply immediately, so that if she declines, there shall yet be time for the gentleman to secure another companion. It is the gentleman's duty to secure good seats for the entertainment, or else he or his companion may be obliged to take up with seats where they can neither see nor hear. CONDUCT IN OPERA, THEATER OR PUBLIC HALL. On entering the hall, theater or opera house the gen- tleman should walk side by side with his companioa unless the aisle is too narrow, in which case he should precede her. Upon reaching the seats, he should allow her to take the inner one, assuming the outer one himself. A gentleman should, on no account, leave the lady's side from the beginning to the close of the performance. If it is a promenade concert or opera, the lady may be invited to promenade during the intermission. If she declines, the gentleman must retain his position by her side. ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 161 There is no obligation whatever upon a gentleman to give up his seat to a lady. On the contrary, his duty is solely to the lady whom he accompanies. He must remain beside her during the evening to converse with her between the acts, and to render the entertainment as agreeable to her as possible. During the performance complete quiet should be preserved, that the audience may not be prevented from seeing or hearing. Between the acts it is perfectly proper to converse, but it should be done in a low tone, so as not to attract attention. Neither should one whis- per. There should be no loud talking, boisterous laugh- ter, violent gestures, lover-like demonstrations or any- thing in manners or speech to attract the attention of others. It is proper and desirable that the actors be applauded when they deserve it. It is their only means of know- ing whether they are giving satisfaction. The gentleman should see that the lady is provided with a programme, and with libretto also if they are- attending opera. In passing out at the close of the performance the gentleman should precede the lady, and there should be no crowding or pushing. If the means of the gentleman warrant him in so- doing, he should call for his companion in a carriage.. This is especially necessary if the evening is stormy.. He should call sufficiently early to allow them to reach their destination before the performance commences. 162 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. It is unjust to the whole audience to come in late and make a disturbance in obtaining seats. The gentleman should ask permission to call upon the lady the following day, which permission she should grant; and if she be a person of delicacy and tact, she will make him feel that he has conferred a real pleasure upon her by his invitation. Even if she finds occasion for criticism in the performance, she should be lenient in this respect, and seek for points to praise instead, that he may not feel regret at taking her to an entertain- ment which has proved unworthy. REMAIN UNTIL THB PERFORMANCE CLOSES. At a theatrical or operatic performance, you should remain seated until the performance is concluded and the curtain falls. It is exceedingly rude and ill-bred to rise and leave the hall while the play is drawing to a close, yet this severely exasperating practice has of late been followed by many well-meaning people, who, if they were aware of the extent to which they outraged the feelings of many of the audience, and unwittingly offered an insult to the actors on the stage, would shrink from repeating such flagrantly rude conduct. CONDUCT IN PICTURE-GALLERIES. In visiting picture-galleries one should always main- tain the deportment of a gentleman or a lady. Make no loud comments and do not seek to show superior knowledge in art matters by gratuitous criticism. If you have not an art education you will probably only ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 163 be giving publicity to your own ignorance, Do not stand in conversation before a picture, and thus obstruct the view of others who wish to see rather than talk. If you wish to converse with any anyone on general sub- jects, draw to one side, out of the way of those who want to look at the pictures. CONDUCT AT CHARITY FAIRS. In visiting a fancy fair make no comments on either the 'article or their price, unless you can praise. If you want them, pay the price demanded, or let them alone. If you can conscientiously praise an article, by all means do so, as you may be giving pleasure to the maker if she chances to be within hearing. If you have a table at a fair, use no unladylike means to obtain buyers. Not even the demands of charity can justify you in im- portuning others to purchase articles against their own judgment or beyond their means. Never appear so beggarly as to retain the change, if a larger amount is presented than the price, Offer the change promptly, when the gentleman will be at liberty to donate it if he thinks best, and you may accept it with thanks. He is, however, under no obligation what- ever to make such donation. Be guilty of no loud talking or laughing, and by all means avoid conspicuous flirting in so public a place. As a gentleman must always remove his hat in the presence of ladies, so he should remain with head uncov- ered, carrying his hat in his hand, in a public place of this character. 164- ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. CONDUCT IN AN ARTIST'S STUDIO. If you have occasion to visit an artist's studio, by no means meddle with anything in the room. Reverse no picture which stands or hangs with face to the wall; open no portfolio without permission, and do not alter by a single touch any lay-figure or its drapery, piece of furniture or article of vertu posed as a model. You do- not know with what care the artist may have arranged these things, nor what trouble the disarrangement may cost him. Use no strong expression either of delight or disap- probation at anything presented for your inspection. If a picture or a statue please you, show your approval and appreciation by close attention, and a few quiet, well chosen words, rather than by extravagant praise. Do not ask the artist his prices unless you really in- tend to become a purchaser; and in this case it is best to attentively observe his works, make your choice, and trjist the negotiation to a third person or to a written cor- respondence with the artist after the visit is concluded- You may express your desire for the work and obtain the refusal of it from the artist. If you desire to con- clude the bargain at once you may ask his price, and if he names a higher one than you wish to give, you may say as much and mention the sum you are willing to pay, when it will be optional with the artist to maintain his first price or accept your offer. It is not proper to visit the studio of an artist except by special invitation or permission, and at an appointed ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 105 time, for you cannot estimate how much you may dis- turb him at his work. The hours of daylight are all golden to him; and steadiness of hand in manipulating a pencil is sometimes only acquired each day after hours of practice, and may be instantly lost on the irrup- tion and consequent interruption of visitors. Never take a young child to a studio, for it may do much mischief in spite of the most careful watching. At any rate, the juvenile visitor will try the artist's tem- per and nerves by keeping him in a constant state of apprehension. If you have engaged to sit for your portrait never keep the artist waiting one moment beyond the appointed time. If you do so you should in justice pay for the time you make him lose. A visitor should never stand behind an artist and watch him at his work; for if he be a man of nervous temperament it will be likely to disturb him greatly. GENTLEMEN PASSING BEFORE LADIES. Gentleman having occasion to pass before ladies who are already seated in lecture and concert rooms, theaters and other public places, should beg pardon for disturbing them; passing with their faces and never with their backs toward them. WHERE GENTLEMEN MAY KEEP THEIR HATS ON. At garden parties and at all assemblies held in the open air, gentlemen keep their hats on their heads. If draughts of cold air, or other causes, make it necessary 166 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. for them to retain their hats on their heads, when in the presence of ladies within doors, they explain the necess- ity and ask permission of the ladies whom they accom- pany. CHAPTER XIV. of HERE is nothing that tests the natural politeness of men and women so thoroughly- as traveling. We all de- sire as much comfort as possible and as a rule are selfish. In these days of railroad travel, when every rail- way is equipped with elegant coaches- for the comfort, convenience and some- times luxury of its passengers, and pro- vided with gentlemanly conductors and servants, the longest journeys by railroad can be made alone by self-possessed ladies with perfect safety and but little annoyance. Then, too, a lady who deports herself as such may travel from the Atlantic to the Pacific, from Maine to the Gulf of Mexico, and meet with no affront or insult, but on the contrary receive polite attentions- at every point, from men who may chance to be her fel- low-travelers. This may be accounted for from the fact that, as a rule in America, all men show a deff eren- tial regard for women, and are especially desirous of showing them such attentions as will render a long and lonesome journey as pleasant as possible. (167) 168 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. DUTIES OF AN ESCORT. However self-possessed and ladylike in all her deport- ment and general bearing a lady may be, and though capable of undertaking any journey, howsoever long it may be, an escort is at all times much more pleasant, and generally acceptable. When a gentleman under- takes the escort of a lady, he should proceed with her to the depot, or meet her there, a sufficient time before the departure of the train to attend to the checking of her baggage, procure her ticket, and obtain for her an eligible seat in the cars, allowing her to choose such seat as she desires. He will then dispose of her pack- ages and hand-baggage in their proper receptacle, and make her seat and surroundings as agreeable for her as possible, taking a seat near her, or by the side of her if she requests it, and do all he can to make her journey a pleasant one. Upon arriving at her destination, he should conduct her to the ladies' waiting-room or to a carriage, until he has attended to her baggage, which he arranges to have delivered where the lady requests it. He should then escort her to whatever part of the city she is going and deliver her into the hands of her friends before relaxing his care. On the following day he should call upon her to inquire after her health. It is optional with the lady whether the acquaintance shall be prolonged or not after this call. If the lady does not wish to prolong the acquaintance, she can have no right, nor can her friends, to request a similar favor of him at another time. ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 169 THE DUTY OF A LADY TO HER ESCORT. The lady may supply her escort with a sum of money ample to pay all the expenses of the journey before pur- chasing her ticket, or furnish him the exact amount required, or, at the suggestion of her escort, she may allow him to defray the expenses from his own pocket, and settle with him at the end of the journey. The latter course, however, should only be pursued when the gentleman suggests it, and a strict account of the ex- penses incurred must be insisted on. A lady should give her attendant as little trouble and annoyance as possible, and she should make no unnec- essary demands upon his good nature and gentlemanly services. Her hand-baggage should be as small as cir- cumstances will permit, and when once disposed of, it should remain undisturbed until she is about to leave the car, unless she should absolutely require it. As the the train nears the end of her journey, she will deliber- ately gather together her effects preparatory to depar- ture, so that when the train stops she will be ready to leave the car at once and not wait to hurriedly grab her various parcels, or cause her escort unnecessary delay. A LADY TRAVELING ALONE. A lady, in traveling alone, may accept services from her fellow-travelers, which she should always acknowl- edge graciously. Indeed, it is the business of a gentle- man to see that the wants of an unescorted lady are attended to. He should offer to raise or lower her win- 170 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. dow if she seems to have any difficulty in doing it her- self. He may offer his assistance in carrying her pack- ages upon leaving the car, or in engaging a carriage or obtaining a trunk. Still, women should learn to be as self-reliant as possible; and young women particularly should accept proffered assistance from strangers, in all but the slightest offices, very rarely. LADIES MAT ASSIST OTHEE LADIES. It is not only the right, but the duty of ladies to ren- der any assistance or be of any service to younger ladies, or those less experienced in traveling than themselves. They may show many little courtesies which will make the journey less tedious to the inexperienced trav- eler, and may give her important advice or assistance which may be of benefit to her. An acquaintance f ormed in traveling, need never be retained afterwards. It ig optional whether it is or not. THE COMFORT OF OTHERS. In seeking his own comfort, no passenger has a right to overlook or disregard that of others. If for his own comfort, he wishes to raise or lower a window he should consult the wishes of passengers immediately around him before doing so. The discomforts of traveling should be borne cheerfully, for what may enhance your own comfort may endanger the health of some fellow- traveler. ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 171 tTTENDING TO THE WANTS OF OTHERS. See everywhere and at all times that ladies and elderly people have their wants supplied before you think of your own. Nor is there need for unmanly haste or pushing in entering or leaving cars or boats. There is always time enough allowed for each passenger to enter in a gentlemanly manner and with a due regard to the rights of others. If, in riding in the street-cars or crossing a ferry, your friend insists on paying for you, permit him to do so without serious remonstrance. You can return the favor at some other time. BEADING WHEN TRAVELLING. If a gentleman in traveling, either on cars or steam- boat, has provided himself with newspapers or other reading, he should offer them to his companions first. If they are refused, he may with propriety read himself, leaving the others free to do the same if they wish. OCCUPYING TOO MANY SEATS. No lady will retain possession of more than her right- ful seat in a crowded car. When others are looking for accommodations she should at once and with all cheerfulness so dispose of her baggage that the seat beside her may be occupied by anyone who desires it, no matter how agreeable it may be to retain possession of it. It shows a great lack of proper manners to see two 172 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. ladies, or a lady and gentleman turn over the seaA In front of them and fill it with their wraps and bwtdles, retaining it in spite of the entreating or remonstrating looks of fellow-passengers. In such a case any person who desires a seat is justified in reversing the back, removing the baggage .and taking possession of the un- used seat. RETAINING POSSESSION OF A SEAT. A gentleman in traveling may take possession of a seat and then go to purchase tickets or look after bag- gage or procure a lunch, leaving the seat in charge of a companion, or depositing traveling-bag or overcoat upon it to show that it is engaged. When a seat is thus oc- cupied, the right of possession must be respected, and no one should presume to take a seat thus previously engaged, even though it may be wanted for a lady. A gentleman cannot, however, in justice, vacate his seat to take another in the smoking-car, and at the same time reserve his rights to the first seat. He pays for but one seat, and by taking another he forfeits the first. It is not required of a gentleman in a railway car to relinquish his seat in favor of a lady, though a gentle- man of genuine breeding will do so rather than allow the lady to stand or suffer inconvenience from poor accommodations. In the street cars the case is different. No woman should be allowed to stand while there is a seat occupied by a man. The inconvenience to the man will be tem- porary and trifling at the most, and he can well afford to suffer it rather than to do an uncourteous act. ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING 173 DISCRETION IN FOKMING ACQUAINTANCES. While an acquaintance formed in a railway car or on a steamboat, continues only during the trip, discretion should be used in making acquaintances. Ladies may as has been stated, accept small courtesies and favors from strangers, but must check at once any attempt at familiarity. On the other hand, no man who pretends to be a gentleman will attempt any familiarity. The practice of some young girls just entering into woman- hood, of flirting with any young man they may chance to meet, either in a railway car or on a steamboat, indi- cates low-breeding in the extreme. If, however, the journey is long, and especially if it be on a steamboat, a certain sociability may be allowed, and a married lady or a lady of middle age may use her privileges to make the journey an enjoyable one, for fellow-passengers should always be sociable to one another. CHAPTER XV. NE of the most exhilarating and en- joyable amusements that can be in- dulged in by either ladies or gen- tlemen is that of riding on horse- back, and it is a matter of regret that it is not participated in to a greater extent than it is. The eti- quette of riding, though meagre, is exact and important. LEABNTNG TO BIDE. The first thing to do is to learn to ride, and no one should attempt to appear in public until a few preliminary lessons in riding are taken. Until a person has learned to appear at ease on horseback, he or she should not appear in public. The advice given in the old rhyme should be kept in mind, viz: Keep up your head and your heart, Your hands and your heels keep down , Press your knees close to your horse's sides, And your elbows close to your own. (174) RIDING AND DRIVING. THE GENTLEMAN'S DUTY AS AN ESCORT. When a gentleman contemplates riding with a lady, his first duty is to see that her horse is a proper one for her use, and one that she can readily manage. He must see that her saddle and bridle are perfectly secure, and trust nothing of this kind to the stable men, with- out personal examination. He must be punctual at the appointed hour, and not keep the lady waiting for him clad in her riding costume. He should see the lady comfortably seated in her saddle before he mounts him- self; take his position on the lady's right in riding, open all gates and pay all tolls on the road. 176 RIDING AND DRIVING ASSISTING A LADY TO MOUNT. The lady will place herself on the left side of the horse, standing as close to it as possible, with her skirts gath- ered in her left hand, her right hand upon the pommel, and her face toward the horse's head. The gentleman should stand at the horse's shoulder, facing the lady, and stooping, hold his hand so that she may place her foot in it. This she does, when the foot is lifted as she springs, so as to gently aid her in gaining the saddle. The gentleman must then put her foot in the stirrup, smooth the skirt of her riding habit, and give her the reins and her riding whip. RIDING WITH LADIES. In riding with one lady, a gentleman takes his posi- tion to the right of her. When riding with two or more, his position is still to the right unless one of them needs his assistance or requests his presence near her. He must offer all the courtesies of the road, and yield the best and shadiest side to the ladies. The lady must always decide upon the pace at which to ride. It is un- generous to urge her or incite her horse to a faster gait than she feels competent to undertake. If a gentleman, when riding alone, meets a lady who is walking and wishes to enter into conversation with her, he must alight and remain on foot while talking with her. KIDIXG AXD DRIVING. 177 ASSISTING A LADY TO ALIGHT FROM HER HORSE. After the ride, the gentleman must assist his com- panion to alight. She must first free her knee from the pommel, and be certain that her habit is entirely disen- gaged. He must then take her left hand in his right, and offer his left hand as a step for her foot. He then lowers his hand slowly and allows her to reach the ground gently without springing. A lady should not attempt to spring from the saddle. DRIVING. The choicest seat in a double carriage is the one fac- ing the horses, and gentlemen should always yield this seat to the ladies. If only one gentleman and one lady are riding in a two-seated carriage, the gentleman must sit opposite the lady, unless she invites him to a seat by her side. The place of honor is on the right hand of the seat facing the horses. This is also the seat of the hostess, which she never resigns. If she is not driving, it must be offered to the most distinguished lady. A person should enter a carriage with the back to the seat, so as to prevent turning round in the carriage. A gentle- man must be careful not to trample upon or crush a lady's dress. In driving, one should always remember that the rule of the road in meeting and passing another vehicle is to keep to the right. 12 178 RIDING AND DRIVING. ASSISTING LADIES TO ALIGHT, A gentleman must first alight from a carriage, even if he has to pass before a lady in doing so. He must then assist the ladies to alight. If there is a servant with the carriage, the latter may hold open the door, but the gentleman must by all means furnish the ladiea> the required assistance. If a lady has occasion to leave the carriage before the gentleman accompanying her, he must alight to assist her out, and if she wishes to resume her seat, he must again alight to help her to do so. In assisting a lady to enter a carriage, a gentleman will take care that the skirt of her dress is not allowed to hang outside. A carriage robe should be provided to protect her dress from the mud and dust of the road. The gentleman should provide the lady with her para- sol, fan and shawl, and see that she is comfortable in every way, before he seats himself. TRUSTING THE DRIVER. While driving with another who holds the reins, you must not interfere with the driver, as anything of this kind implies a reproof, which is very offensive. If you think his couduct wrong, or are in fear of danger result- ing, you may delicately suggest a change, apologizing theref or, You should resign yourself to the driver's con- trol, and be perfectly calm and self-possessed during the course of a drive. CHAPTER XVI. atxd HE correct behavior of young men toward young ladies, and of young ladies toward young men, during that portion of their lives when they are respectively paying attention to, and receiving attention from, one another, is a matter which requires consideration in a work of this nature. A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT TOWARD LADIES. Young people of either sex, who have arrived at mature age, and who are not en- gaged, have the utmost freedom in their social intercourse in this country, and are at liberty to associate and mingle freely in the same cir- cles with those of the opposite sex. Gentlemen are at liberty to invite their lady friends to concerts, operas, balls, etc., to call upon them at their homes, to ride and drive with them, and make themselves agreeable to al) young ladies to whom their company is acceptable. In fact they are at liberty to" accept invitations and give them ad libitum. As soon, however, as a young gentle- 180 OOCKT8HIP AXD MARRIAGE. man neglects all others, to devote himself to a single lady, he gives that lady reason to suppose that he is par ticularly attracted to her, and may give her cause to believe that she is to become engaged to him, without telling her so. A gentleman who does not contemplate matrimony should not pay too exclusive attention to any one lady. A LADY'S CONDUCT TOWARD GENTLEMEN. A young lady who is not engaged may receive calls and attentions from such unmarried gentlemen as she desires, and may accept invitations to ride, to concerts, theatres, etc. She should use due discretion, however, as to whom she favors by the acceptance of such invita- tions. A young lady should not allow special attention from anyone to. whom she is not specially attracted, because, first, she may do injury to the gentleman in seeming to give his suit encouragement; and, secondly, she may keep away from her those whom she likes bet- ter, but who will not approach her under the mistaken idea that her feelings are already interested. A young lady should not encourage the addresses of a gentleman unless she feels that she can return his affections. It is the prerogative of a man to propose, and of a woman to accept or refuse, and a lady of tact and kind heart will exercise her prerogative before her suitor is brought to the humiliation of an offer which must result in a refusal. No well-bred lady will too eagerly receive the atten- tions of a gentleman, no matter how much she admires OOUKTSHIP AST) MABKIA&K. 1S1 him; nor, on the other hand, will she be so reserred as to altogether discourage him, A man may show con- siderable attention to a lady without becoming a lover; and so a lady may let it be seen that die is not disagree- able to him without discouraging him, She will be able to judge soon from his actions and deportment, as to his motive in paying her his attentions, and wffl treat him accordingly. A man does not like to be refused when he makes a proposal, and no man of tact will risk a refusal Neither will a well-bred lady encourage a man to make a proposal, which she must refuse. She should endeavor, in discouraging him as a lover, to retain his friendship. A young man of sensibilities, who can take a hint when it is offered him, need not run the risk of a refusaL PEEXATCBE DECLARATION. It is very injudicious, not to say presumptuous, for a gentleman to make a proposal to a young lady on too brief an acquaintance. A lady who would accept a gen- tleman at first sight can hardly possess the discretion needed to make a good wife. THOROUGH ACQUADTTAXCTS AS A. BASK JOB MAKKIAGK. Perhaps there is such a thing as love at first sight, but love alone is a very uncertain foundation upon which to base marriage. There should be thorough acquain- tanceship and a certain knowledge of harmony of tastes and temperaments before matrimony is ventured upon. 182 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. PROPER MANNER OF COURTSHIP. It is impossible to lay down any rule as to the proper mode of courtship and proposal. In France it is the business of the parents to settle all preliminaries. In England the young man asks the consent of the parents to pay addresses to their daughter. In this country the matter is left almost entirely to the young people. It seems that circumstances must determine whether courtship may lead to engagement. Thus, a man may begin seriously to court a girl, but may discover before any promise binds them to each other, that they are en- tirely unsuited to one another, when he may, with per- fect propriety and without serious injury to the lady, withdraw his attentions. Certain authorities insist that the consent of parents must always be obtained before the daughter is asked to give herself in marriage. While there is nothing improper or wrong in such a course, still, in this country, with our social customs, it is deemed best in most cases not to be too strict in this regard. Each case has its own peculiar circumstances which must govern it, and it seems at least pardonable if the young man should pre- fer to know his fate directly from the lips of the most interested party, before he submits himself to the cooler judgment and the critical observation of the father and mother, who are not by any means in love with him, and who may possibly regard him with a somewhat jealous eye, as having already monopolized their daugh- ter's affections, and now desires to take her away from them altogether. COTJKTSHIP AXD MARRIAGE. 183 PAEEXTS SHOULD EXERCISE AUTHORITY OVER DAUGHTERS. Parents should always be perfectly familiar with the character of their daughter's associates, and they should exercise their authority so far as not to permit her to form any improper acquaintances. In regulating the social relations of their daughter, parents should bear in mind the possibility of her falling in love with any one with whom she may come in frequent contact. There- fore, if any gentleman of her acquaintance is particu- larly ineligible as a husband, he should be excluded as far as practicable from her society. A WATCHFUL CARE REQUIRED BY PARENTS. Parents, especially mothers, should also watch with a jealous care the tendencies of their daughter's affections; and if they see them turning toward unworthy or unde- sirable objects, influence of some sort should be brought to bear to counteract this. Great delicacy and tact are required to manage matters rightly. A more suitable person may, if available, be brought forward, in the hope of attracting the young girl's attention. The objectionable traits of the undesirable suitor should be made apparent to her without the act seeming to be in- tentional ; and if all this fails, let change of scene and surroundings by travel or visiting accomplish the desired result. The latter course will generally do it, if matters have not been allowed to progress too far and the young girl is not informed why she is temporarily banished from home. 184 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. AN ACCEPTABLE SUITOR. Parents should always be able to tell from observation and instinct just how matters stand with their daughter; and if the suitor is an acceptable one and everything sat- isfactory, then the most scrupulous rules of etiquette will not prevent their letting the young couple alone. If the lover chooses to propose directly to the lady and consult her father afterward, consider that he has a per- fect right to do so. If her parents have sanctioned his visits and attentions by a silent consent, he has a right to believe that his addresses will be favorably received by them. REQUIREMENTS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE. Hespect for each other is as necessary to a happy marriage as that the husband and wife should have an affection for one another. Social equality, intellectual sympathy, and sufficient means are very important mat- ters to be considered by those who contemplate matri- mony. It must be remembered that husband and wife, after marriage, have social relations to sustain, and perhaps it will be discovered, before many months of wedded life have passed, when there is a social inequality, that one of the two have made a sacrifice for which no adequate compensation has been or ever will be received. And so both lives become soured and spoiled, because neither receives nor can receive the sympathy which their efforts deserve, and because their cares are multiplied from a COTJBTSIIIP AXD MARRIAGE. 185 want of congeniality. One or the other may find that the noble qualities seen by the impulse of early love, were but the creation of an infatuated fancy, existing only in the mind where it originated. Another condition of domestic happiness is intellec- tual sympathy. Man requires a woman who can make his home a place of rest for him, and woman requires a man of domestic tastes. While a woman who seeks to find happiness in a married life will never consent to be wedded to an idler or a pleasure-seeker, so a man of in- telligence will wed none but a woman of intelligence and good sense. Neither beauty, physical characteris- tics nor other external qualifications will compensate for the absence of intellectual thought and clear and quick comprehensions. An absurd idea is held by some that intelligence and domestic virtues cannot go together; that an intellectual woman will never be content to stay at home to look after the interests of her household and children. A more unreasonable idea has never been sug- gested, for as the intellect is strengthened and cultured, it has a greater capacity of affection, of domesticity and of self-sacrifice for others. Mutual trust and confidence are other requisites for happiness in married life. There can be no true love without trust. The responsibility of a man's life is in a woman's keeping from the moment he puts his heart into her hands. Without mutual trust there can be no real happiness. Another requisite for conjugal happiness is moral and religious sympathy, that each may walk side by side in 186 OOTJKT8HIP AND MABKIAGE. the same path , of moral purpose and social usefulness, with joint hope of immortality. PROPOSALS OP MARRIAGE. Rules in regard to proposals of marriage cannot be laid down, for they are and should be as different as people. The best way is to apply to the lady in person, and receive the answer from her own lips. If courage should fail a man in this, he can resort to writing, by which he can clearly and boldly express his feelings. A spoken declaration should be bold, manly and earnest, and so plain in its meaning that there can be no mis- understanding. As to the exact words to be used, there can be no set formula; each proposer must be governed his own ideas and sense of propriety in the matter. DO NOT PRESS AN UNWELCOME SUIT. A gentleman should evince a sincere and unselfish affection for his beloved, and he will show as well as feel that her happiness must be considered before his own. Consequently he should not press an unwelcome suit upon a young lady. If she has no affection for him, and does not conceive it possible even to entertain any, it is cruel to urge her to give her person without her love. The eager lover may believe, for the time being, that such possession would satisfy him, but the day will surely come when he will reproach his wife that she had no love for him, and he will possibly make that an excuse for all manner of unkindness. COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 187 A LADY'S FIRST REFUSAL. It is not always necessary to take a lady's first refusal as absolute. Diffidence or uncertainty as to her own feelings may sometimes influence a lady to reply in the negative, and after-consideration cause her to regret that reply. Though a gentleman may repeat his suit with pro- priety after having been once repulsed, still it should not be repeated too often nor too long, lest it should degenerate into importuning. No lady worthy any gentleman's regard will say "no" twice to a suit which she intends ultimately to receive with favor. A lady should be allowed all the time she requires before making up her mind; and if the gentleman grows impatient at the delay, he is always at liberty to insist on an immediate answer and abide by the consequences of his impatience. A LADY'S POSITIVE REFUSAL, A lady who really means " no " should be able to so say it as to make her meaning unmistakable. For her own sake and that of her suitor, if she really desires the suit ended her denial should be positive, yet kind and dignified, and of a character to let no doubt remain of its being final. TRIFLING WITH A LADY. A man should never make a declaration in a jesting manner. It is most unfair to a lady. He has no right 188 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. to trifle with her feelings for mere sport, nor has he a right to hide his own meaning under the guise of a jest. A DOUBTFUL ANSWER. Nothing can be more unfair or more unjustifiable than a doubtful answer given under the plea of sparing the suitor's feelings. It raises false hopes. It renders a man restless and unsettled. It may cause him to ex- press himself or to shape his conduct in such a manner as he would not dream of doing were his suit utterly hopeless. HOW TO TREAT A REFUSAL. As a woman is not bound to accept the first offer that is made to her, so no sensible man will think the worse of her, nor feel himself personally injured by a refusal. That it will give him pain is most probable. A scornful " no " or a simpering promise to " think about it " is the reverse of generous. In refusing, the lady ought to convey her full sense of the high honor intended her by the gentleman, and to add, seriously but not offensively, that it is not in accordance with her inclination, or that circumstances compel her to give an unfavorable answer. UNLADYLIKE CONDUCT TOWARD A SUITOR. It is only the contemptible flirt that keeps an honor- able man in suspense for the purpose of glorifying her- self by his attentions in the eyes of friends. Nor would any but a frivolous or vicious girl boast of the offer she had received and rejected. Such an offer is a privileged COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 189 communication. The secret of it should be held sacred. No true lady will ever divulge to anyone, unless it may be to her mother, the fact of such an offer. It is the severest breach of honor to do so. A lady who has once been guilty of boasting of an offer should never have a second opportunity for thus boasting. No true-hearted woman can entertain any other feel- ing than that of commiseration for the man over whose happiness she has been compelled to throw a cloud, while the idea of triumphing in his distress, or abusing his confidence, must be inexpressibly painful to her. THE REJECTED SUITOR. The duty of the rejected suitor is quite clear. Etiquette demands that he shall accept the lady's decision as final and retire from the field. He has no right to demand the reason of her refusal. If she assign it, he is bound to respect her secret, if it is one, and to hold it inviol- able. To persist in urging his suit or to follow up the lady with marked attentions would be in the worst poss- ible taste. The proper course is to withdraw as much as possible, from the circles in which she moves, so that she may be spared reminiscences which cannot be other- wise than painful. PRESENTS AFTER ENGAGEMENT. When a couple become engaged, the gentleman pre- sents the lady with a ring, which is worn on the ring- finger of the right hand. He may also make her other small presents from time to time, until they are married, 190 COURTSHIP AND MAURI AGE. but if she has any scruples about accepting them, he can send her flowers, which are at all times acceptable. CONDUCT OF THE FIANCEE. The conduct of the fiancee should be tender, assiduous and unobtrusive. He will be kind and polite to the sisters of his betrothed and friendly with her brothers. Yet he must not be in any way unduly familiar or force himself into family confidences on the ground that he is to be regarded as a member of the family. Let the advance come rather from them to him, and let him show a due appreciation of any confidences which they may be pleased to bestow upon him. The family of the young man should make the first advances toward an acquaintance with his future wife. They should call upon her or write to her, and they may with perfect propriety invite her to visit them in order that they may become acquainted. THE POSITION OF AN ENGAGED WOMAN. An engaged woman should eschew all flirtations, though it does not follow that she is to cut herself off from all association with the other sex because she has chosen her future husband. She may still have friends and acquaintances, she may still receive visits and calls, but she must try to conduct herself in such a manner as to give no offense. POSITION OF AN ENGAGED MAN. The same rules may be laid down in regard to the other party to the contract, only that he pays visits COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 191 instead of receiving them. Neither should assume a masterful or jealous attitude toward the other. They are neither of them to be shut up away from the rest of the world, but must mingle in society after marriage nearly the same as before, and take the same delight in friendship. The fact that they have confessed their love for each other ought to be deemed a sufficient guar- antee of faithfulness; for the rest let there be trust and confidence. THE RELATIONS OF AN ENGAGED COUPLE. A young man has no right to put a slight upon his future bride by appearing in public with other ladies while she remains neglected at home. He is in future her legitimate escort. He should attend no other lady when she needs his services; she should accept no other escort when he is at liberty to attend her. A lady should not be too demonstrative of her affection during the days of her engagement. There is always the chance of " a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip ;" and over-demonstrations of love are not pleasant to be remembered by a young lady, if the man to whom they are given by any chance fails to become her husband. An honorable man will never tempt his future bride to any such demonstration. He will always maintain a respectful and decorous demeanor toward her. No young man who would shrink from being guilty of a great impropriety, should ever prolong his visits beyond ten o'clock, unless it be the common custom of the family to remain up and to entertain visitors to a 192 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. later hour, and the visit paid is a family one and not a tete-a-tete. Two hours is quite long enough for a call; and the young man will give evidence of his affection no less than his consideration, by making his visits short, and, if need be, making them often, rather than by pro- longing to unreasonable hours. LOVERS' DISPUTES. Neither party should try to make the other jealous for the purpose of testing his or her affection. Such a course is contemptible; and if the affections of the other are permanently lost by it, the offending party is only gain- ing his or her just deserts. Neither should there be provocation to little quarrels for the foolish delight of reconciliation. No lover will assume a domineering attitude over his future wife. If he does so, she will do well to escape from his thrall before she becomes his wife in reality. A domineering lover will be certain to be more domineering as a husband. BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT. Sometimes it is necessary to break off an engagement. Many circumstances will justify this. Indeed anything which may occur or be discovered which shall promise to render the marriage an unsuitable or unhappy one is, and should be accepted as, justification for such rupture. Still, breaking an engagement is always a serious and distressing thing, and ought not to be contemplated without absolute and just reasons. It is generally best to break an engagement by letter. By this means one COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 193 can express himself or herself more clearly, and give the true reason for his or her course much better than in a personal interview. The letter breaking the engage- ment should be accompanied by everything, in the way of portraits, letters or gifts, that has been received dur- ing the engagement. Such letters should be acknowl- edged in a dignified manner, and no efforts should be made or measures be taken to change the decision of the writer, unless it is manifest that he or she is greatly mistaken in his or her premises. A similar return of letters, portraits and gifts should be made. Many men, in taking retrospective glances, remember how they were devoted to women, the memory of whom calls up only a vague sort of wonder how they ever could have fallen into the state of infatuation in which th ay once were. The same may be said of many women. Heart-breaking separations have taken place between young men and young women who have learned that the sting of parting does not last forever. The heart, lacerated by a hopeless or misplaced attachment, when severed from the cause of its woe, gradually heals and prepares itself to receive fresh wounds, for affection requires either a constant contemplation of, or inter- course, with its object, to keep it alive. 12 CHAPTER XVII. ttqtteite 01 HE circumstances under which wed- dings take place are so varied, and the religious forms observed in their solemnization so numerous, that to lay down rules applicable to all cases would be a matter of great difficulty, if not an impossibility. Consequently only those forms of marriage attended with the fullest ceremonies, and all the attendant ceremonials will here be given, and others may be modeled after them as the occasion may seem to require. After the marriage invitations are issued, the fiancee does not appear in public. It is also de rigueur at morning weddings, that she does not see the bridegroom on the wedding-day, until they meet at the altar. THE BRIDEMAIDS AND GROOMSMEN. Only relatives and the most intimate friends are asked to be bridemaids the sisters of the bride and of the bridegroom, where it is possible. The bridegroom (194) ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 195 chooses his best man and the groomsmen and ushers from his circle of relatives and friends of his own aere. o ' and from the relatives of his fiancee of a suitable age. The dresses of the bridemaids are not given unless their circumstances are such as to make it necessary. THE BRIDAL COSTUME. The most approved bridal costume for young brides is of white silk, high corsage, a long wide veil of white tulle, reaching to the feet, and a wreath of maiden-blush roses with orange blossoms. The roses she can continue to wear, but the orange blossoms are only suitable for the ceremony. COSTUMES OF THE BRIDEGROOM AND USHERS. The bridegroom and ushers, at a morning wedding, wear full morning dress, dark blue or black frock coats, or cut-aways, light neckties, and light trousers. The bridegroom wears white gloves. The ushers wear gloves of some delicate color. PRESENTS OF THE BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM. Where the bride makes presents to the bridemaids on her wedding-day, they generally consist of some articles of jewelry, not costly, and given more as a memento of the occasion than for their own intrinsic worth. The bridegroom sometimes gives the groomsmen a scarf pin of some quaint device, or some other slight memento of the day, as a slight acknowledgment of their services. 196 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. CEBEMONIALS WHEN THERE ABE NO U8HBRS OB BBIDE- MAIDS. When there are no bridemaids or ushers the marriage ceremonials at the church are as follows: The members of the bride's family proceed to the church before the bride, who follows with her mother. The bridegroom awaits them at the church and gives his arm to the bride's mother. They walk up the aisle to the altar, the mother falling back to her position on the left. The father, or relative representing him, conducts the bride to the bridegroom, who stands at the altar with his face turned toward her as she approaches, and the father falls back to the left. The relatives follow, taking their places standing; those of the bride to the left, those of the groom to the right* After kneeling at the altar for a moment, the bride, standing on the left of the bride- groom, takes the glove off from her left hand, while he takes the glove off from his right hand. The service then begins. The father of the bride gives her away by bowing when the question is asked, which is a much sim- pler form than stepping forward and placing his daugh- ter's hand in that of the clergyman. Perfect self-con- trol should be exhibited by all parties during the cere- mony. The bride leaves the altar, taking the bridegroom's right arm, and they pass down the aisle without looking to the right or left. It is considered very bad form to recognize acquaintances by bows and smiles while in the church. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 197 The bride and bridegroom drive away in their own carriage, the rest following in their carriages. INVITATIONS TO THE CEREMONY ONLY. When the circle of friends on both sides is very exten- sive, it has become customary of late to send invitations to such as are not called to the wedding breakfast, to attend the ceremony at church. This stands in the place of issuing cards. No one must think of calling on the newly married couple who has not received an invi- tation to the ceremony at church, or cards after their establishment in their new home. THE LATEST CEREMONIALS. The latest New York form for conducting the mar- riage ceremony is substantially as follows: When the bridal party has arranged itself for entrance, the ushers, in pairs march slowly up to the altar and turn to the right. Behind them follows the groom alone. When he reaches the altar he turns, faces the aisle, and watches intently for the coming of his bride. After a slight interval the bridemaids follow, in pairs, and at the altar turn to the left. After another brief interval, the bride, alone and entirely veiled, with her eyes cast down, follows her companions. The groom comes forward a few steps to meet her, takes her hand, and places her at the altar. Both kneel for a moment's silent devotion. The parents of the bride, having fol- lowed her, stand just behind her and partly to the 198 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. left. The services by the clergyman now proceed as usual. While the bride and bridegroom are passing out of the church, the bridemaids follow slowly, each upon the arm of an usher, and they afterward hasten on as speed- ily as possible to welcome the bride at her own door, and to arrange themselves about the bride and groom in the reception room, half of the ladies upon her side and half upon his the first bridemaid retaining the place of honor. THE USHERS' DUTIES. The ushers at. the door of the reception room offer themselves as escorts to parties, who arrive slowly from the church, conducting them to the bridal party, and there presenting them by name. This announcement becomes necessary when two families and two sets of friends are brought together for the first time. If ladies are present without gentlemen, the ushers accompany them to the breakfast or refreshment room, or provide them with attendants. At the church the ushers are the first to arrive. They stand by the inner entrance and offer their arms to escort the ladies, as they enter, to their proper seats in the church. If a lady be accompanied by a gentleman, the latter follows the usher and the lady to the seat shown her. The ushers, knowing the two families, un- derstand where to place the nearer, and where the remoter relatives and friends of the bridal party, the groom's friends being arranged upon the right of the entrance, and the bride's upon the left. The distribu- ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 199 tion of guests places the father (or guardian) of the bride at the proper place during the ceremony. ANOTHER FORM OF CHURCH CEREMONIALS. The ceremonials for the entry to the church by the bridal party may be varied to suit the taste. Prece- dents for the style already described are found among the highest social circles in New York and other large cities, but there are brides who prefer the fashion of their grandmothers, which is almost strictly an Amer- ican fashion. In this style, the bridemaids, each leanirtg upon the arm of a groomsman, first pass up the aisle to the altar, the ladies going to their left, and the gentle- men to their right. The groom follows with the bride's mother, or some one to represent her, leaning on his arm, whom he seats in a front pew at the left. The bride follows, clinging to the arm of her father (or near rela- tive), who leads her to the groom. The father waits at her left and a step or two back of her, until asked to give her away, which he does by taking her right hand and placing it in that of the clergyman. After this he joins the mother of the bride in the front pew, and becomes her escort while they pass out of the church. In case there are no bridemaids, the ushers walk into church in pairs, just in advance of the groom, and part- inar at the altar, half of them stand at one side and half O * at the other. While the clergyman is congratulating the bride, they pass out in pairs, a little in advance of the wedded couple. 200 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. WEDDINGS AT HOME. "Weddings at home vary but little from those at church. The music, the assembling of friends, the entree of the bridal party to the position selected, are the same. An altar of flowers, and a place of kneeling can be easily arranged at home. The space behind the altar need be no wider than is allowed for the clergyman to stand. The altar is generally only a fender or rail- ing entirely wound and concealed by greenery or blos- soms. Other floral accessories, such as the marriage- bell, horseshoe, or white dove, etc., can be arranged with ease by a skillful florist, if desired. When the marriage ceremony is concluded, the party turn in their places and face their friends, who proceed to congratulate them. If space be required, the kneel- ing stool and floral altar may be removed, a little later, without observation. THE EVENING WEDDING. If the wedding occur in the evening, the only differ- ence in the ceremonials from those in the morning ia that the ushers or groomsmen wear full evening dress, and the bridal pair retire quietly to dress for their jour- ney before the dancing party disperses, and thus leave unobserved. At the morning wedding only bridemaids, ushers and relatives remain to witness the departure of the pair. " AT HOME " BECEPTIONS. When the newly married couple commence life in a home of their own, it is customary to issue " at home " ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 201 cards for a few evenings, at an early date after the wed- ding, for informal receptions. Only such persons are invited as the young couple choose to keep as friends, or perhaps only those whom they can afford to retain. This is a suitable opportunity to carefully re-arrange one's social list, and their list of old acquaintances may be sifted at the time of the beginning of housekeeping. This custom of arranging a fresh list is admitted as a social necessity, and nobody is offended. CALLS. All guests and friends who receive " at home " invita- tions, or who are invited to the church, are required by etiquette to call upon the family of the bride, or to leave their cards, within ten days after the wedding. THE WEDDING KING. All churches at present use the ring, and vary the sen- timent of its adoption to suit the customs and ideas of their own rites. A jeweled ring has been for many years the sign and symbol of betrothal, but at present a plain gold circlet, with the date of the engagement in- scribed within, is generally preferred. The ring is re- moved by the groom at the altar, passed to the clergy- man and used in the ceremony. A jeweled ring is placed upon her hand by the groom on the way home from the church, or as soon after the service as is con- venient. It stands guard over its precious fellow, and is a confirmation of the first promise. 202 THE MARRIAGE CEREMONIALS OF A WIDOW. The marriage ceremonials of a widow differ from that of a young lady in not wearing the veil and orange blossoms. She may be costumed in white and have her maids at the altar if she pleases. This liberty, however, has only been given her within a few years. On her wedding cards of invitation, her maiden name is used as a part of her proper name; which is done in respect to her parents. Having dropped the initials of her dead husband's name when she laid aside her mourning, she uses her Christian name. If she has sons or unmarried daughters at the time she becomes again a wife, she may prefix the last name of her children to her new one on all ceremonious- occasions in which they are interested in common with herself. This respect is really due them, and etiquette permits it, although our social usages do not command its adoption. The formalities which follow the marriage of a widow can seldom be regulated in the same manner as those of a younger bride. No fixed forms can be arranged for entertainments, which must be controlled by circumstances. rNVITATIONS. Wedding invitations should be handsomely engraved in script. Neither Old English nor German text are admissible in invitations. The following is given as the latest form for -invitations : ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 203 <7 r. This invitation requires no answer. Friends living in other towns and cities receiving it, inclose their cards, and send ~by mail. Residents call on the family within the prescribed time, or as soon after as possible. The invitation to the wedding breakfast is enclosed in the same envelope, generally conveyed on a square card, the same size as the sheet of note paper which bears the invitation for the ceremony after it has been 204 ETIQUETTE OF VTEDDINGS. once folded across the middle. The following is one of the adopted forms: fa-t The separate cards of the bride and groom are no longer necessary. The card of admission to the church is narrower, and is plainly engraved in large script, as follows: izt <7 Generally only half an hour intervenes between the ceremony and the reception. DUTIES OF THOSE INVITED. People who receive " At Home " wedding invitations, are expected to acknowledge them as soon as received, and never fail to accept, unless for some very good rea- son. Guests invited to the house, or to a marriage feast following the ceremony, should not feel at liberty to decline from any whim or caprice. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 205 REQUIREMENTS OF THE BRIDEMAIDS AND USHERS. Bridesmaids and ushers should allow nothing but ill- ness or some unavoidable accident to prevent them from officiating, thus showing their appreciation of the friend- ship which has caused their selection to this honored position. If by reason of sudden affliction, some one of the bridemaids or ushers is prevented from attending, a substitute should, if possible, be provided immediately. The reasons for this, however, should be well under- stood, that no opportunity may be given for uncharitable comments. BRIDAL PRESENTS. When bridal presents are given, they are sent to the bride previous to the day of the marriage ceremony. As the universal bridal present has fallen into disuse, this custom is not now considered obligatory, and if im- mediate friends and relatives desire to make presents, it should be spontaneous, and in no sense considered obli- gatory. These presents are not put on exhibition as formerly, but are acknowledged by the bride in a private note to the donor. It is not now considered in good form to talk about these contributions. ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE CEREMONIES. In weddings at churches a master of ceremonies is often provided, who is expected to be at the church as soon as the doors are opened. He arranges beforehand for the spreading of a carpet from the church door to the pavement, and if the weather be inclement, he sees 206 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. that an awning is also spread. He also sees that a white ribbon is stretched across the main aisle of the church, far enough back from the altar to afford sufficient room for all invited guests to occupy the front pews of the main aisle. Sometimes an arch of flowers extends over the aisle, so as to divide those who come in wedding garments, from those who do not. The organist should be early at his post, and is expected to play during the arrival of guests. The order of the religious part of the marriage ceremony is fixed by the church in which it occurs. THE WEDDING FEES. There is no prescribed fee for performing the mar- riage ceremony. It is regulated according to the means and liberality of the bridegroom, but no less amount than five dollars should be given under any circum- stances. THE CONGRATULATIONS. At wedding receptions, friends who congratulate the newly married couple should address the bride first, if they have any previous acquaintance with her, then the bridegroom, then the bridemaids, and after that the parents and family of the bride and groom. They should give their good wishes to the bride and congratulate the bridegroom. If they are acquainted with the bridegroom and not with the bride, let them address him first and he will introduce them to his bride. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 207 THE BBIDAi TO PR. The honeymoon of repose, exempt from all claims of society, is now prescribed by the dictates of common sense and fashion, and the same arbiters unite in con- demning the harrassing bridal tour. It is no longer de rigueur to maintain any secrecy as to their plans for traveling, when a newly married couple depart upon a tour CHAPTER XVIII. torn* $ite atifl Jptqueite. OME is the woman's kingdom, and there she reigns supreme. To em- bellish that home, to make happy the lives of her husband and the dear ones committed to her trust, is the honored task which it is the wife's province to perform. All praise be to her who so rules and governs in that kingdom, that those reared beneath her roof " shall rise tip and call her blessed." A HOME. After marriage one of the first require- ments for happiness is a home. This can seldom be found in a boarding house or at a hotel, and not always beneath the parental roof of either husband or wife. It will oftenest be found in a house or even a cottage apart from the immediate association of rela- tives or friends, acquaintances or strangers, and here hus- band and wife may begin in reality, that new life of which they have had fond dreams ; and upon their own actions must depend their future welfare. (208) HOMK LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 'Ji> ( J HOME COMPANIONSHIP. 'Husband and wife should remember, when starting out upon their newly wedded life, that they are to be life companions, that the affection they have possessed and expressed as lovers must ripen into a life-long devo- tion to one another's welfare and happiness, that the closest friendship must be begotten from their early love, and that each must live and work for the other. They must seek to b congenial companions to each other, so that every hour they pass together will be mu- tually enjoyable. They should aim to have the same tastes, so that what one enjoys will be alike enjoyable to the other, and what is distasteful to one shall be no lesa so to the other. Each should yield in matters where it is right to yield, and be tirtu only where duty is con- cerned. With a firm trust in one anotker they should 14 210 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. ever abide, that each may say to the world, " I possess one on whose character and heart I can lean as upon a rock." CONDUCT OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. Let neither ever deceive the other, or do anything to shake the other's confidence, for once deceived, the heart can never wholly trust again. Fault-finding should only be done by gentle and mild criticism, and then with loving words and pleasant looks. Make allowances for one another's weaknesses, and at the same time endeavor to mutually repress them. For the sake of mutual im- provement the husband and wife should receive and give corrections to one another in a spirit of kindness, and in doing so they will prepare themselves for the work God gives the parents of training lives for usefulness here and hereafter. Their motto should be "faithful unto death in all things," and they must exercise forbearance with each other's peculiarities. Let both preserve a strict guard over their tongues, that neither may utter anything rude, contemptuous or severe, and guard their tempers, that neither may ever grow passionate or become sullen or morose in one another's presence. They should not expect too much from each other; if either offends, it is the part of the other to forgive, remembering that no one is free from faults, and that we are all constantly erring. If, perchance, after they have entered upon the stern realities of life, they find that they have made a mistake, that they are not well mated, then they must accept the inevitable and endure to the end, " for better or for HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 211 worse;" for only in this way can they find consolation for having found out, when too late, that they were unfitted for a life-long companionship. A journalist has said: "No lessons learned by experience, however sharply taught and sadly earned, can enlighten the numbed senses which love has sent to sleep by its magic fascination; .and things as plain as the sun in heaven to others are dark as night, unfathomable as the sea, to those who let themselves love before they prove." DUTIES OF THE WIFE TO HER HUSBAND. The wife should remember that upon her, to the greatest extent, devolves the duty of making home happy. She should do nothing to make her husband feel uncomfortable, either mentally or physically, but on the other hand she should strive to the utmost of her ability to do whatever is best calculated to please him, continually showing him that her love, plighted upon the altar, remains steadfast, and that no vicissi- tudes of fortune can change or diminish it. She should never indulge in fits of temper, hysterics, or other habits of ill-breeding, which, though easy to conquer at first, grow and strengthen with indulgence, if she would retain her husband as her lover and her dearest and nearest friend. She should be equally as neat and tidy respecting her dress and personal ap- pearance at home as when she appears in society, and her manners towards her husband should be as kind and pleasing when alone with him as when in company. She should bear in mind that to retain the good opinion HOME LIFE AM) KIICJUKTTK of her husband is worth far more than to gain the good opinion of hundreds of the devotees of society, and that as she possesses the love and confidence of her husband, so will she receive the respect and esteem of all his friends. She should be careful not to confide to another any small misunderstandings or petty quarrels between her- self and husband, should any occur. This is the surest method of widening any breach of harmony that may occur between husband and wife, for the more such misunderstandings are talked about, and the more advice she receives from her confidants, there is less probability that harmonious relations will be speedily resumed. THE WIFE A HELPMATE. A wife should act openly and honorably in regard to money matters, keeping an exact account of her expen- ditures, and carefully guarding against any extrava- gances; and while her husband is industriously at work, she should seek to encourage him, by her own frugality, to be economical, thrifty, enterprising and prosperous in his business, that he may be better enabled, as years go by and family cares press more heavily on each, to afford all the comforts and perhaps some of the luxuries of a happy home. No condition is hopeless when the wife possesses firmness, decision and economy, and no outward prosperity can counteract indolence, folly and extravagance at home. She should consult the disposi- tion and tastes of her husband, and endeavor to lead him to high and noble thoughts, lofty aims, and tern- HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 213 poral comfort; be ever ready to welcome him home, and in his companionship draw his thoughts from busi- ness and lead him to the enjoyment of home comforts and happiness. The influence of a good wife over her husband may be very great, if she exerts it in the right direction. She should, above all things, study to learn the disposition of her husband, and if, perchance, she finds herself united to a man of quick and violent tem- per, the utmost discretion, as well as perfect equanimity on her own part is required, for she should have such perfect control over herself as to calm his perturbed spirits. A HUSBAND'S DUTIES. It must not be supposed that it devolves upon the wife alone to make married life and home happy. She must be seconded in her noble efforts by him who took her from her own parental fireside and kind friends, to be his companion through life's pilgrimage. He has placed her in a new home, provided with such comforts as his means permit, and the whole current of both their lives have been changed. His constant duty to his wife is to be ever kind and attentive, to love her as he loves himself, even sacrificing his own personal comfort for her happiness. From his affection for her, there should grow out a friendship and fellowship, such as is pos- sessed for no other person. His evenings and spare moments should be devoted to her, and these should be used for their intellectual, moral and social advance- ment. Tho caves and anxieties of business should not exclude 214: HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. the attentions due to wife and family, while he should carefully keep her informed of the condition of his business affairs. Many a wife is capable of giving her husband important advice about various details of his business, and if she knows the condition of his pecu- niary affairs, she will be able to govern her expenditures accordingly. It is the husband's duty to join with his wife in all her endeavors to instruct her children, to defer all mat- ters pertaining to their discipline to her, aiding her in this respect .as she requires it. In household matters the wife rules predominant, and he should never inter- fere with her authority and government in this sphere. It is his duty and should be his pleasure to accompany her to church, to social gatherings, to lectures and sucli places of entertainment as they both mutually enjoy and appreciate. In fact he ought not to attend a social gathering unless accompanied by his wife, nor go to an evening entertainment without her. If it is not a fit place for his wife to attend, neither is it fit for him. While he should give his wife his perfect confidence in her faithfulness, trusting implicitly to her honor at all times and in all places, he should, on his part, remain faithful and constant to her, and give her no cause of complaint. He should pass by unnoticed any disagree- able peculiarities and mistakes, taking care at the proper time, and without giving offense, to remind her of them, with the idea of having her correct them. He should never seek to break her of any disagreeable habits or peculiarities she may possess, by ridiculing them. He HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 215 should encourage her in all her schemes for promoting the welfare of her household, or in laudable endeavors to promote the happiness of others, by engaging in such works of benevolence and charity as the duties of her home will allow her to perform. The husband, in fact, should act toward his wife as becomes a perfect gentleman, regarding her as the " best lady in the land," to whom, above all other earthly beings, he owes paramount allegiance. If he so endeav- ors to act, his good sense and judgment will dictate to him the many little courtesies which are due her, and which every good wife cannot fail to appreciate. The observance of the rules of politeness are nowhere more desirable than in the domestic circle, between husband and wife, parents and children. CHAPTER XIX. f|0me TJR earliest and best recollections are associated with home. There the first lessons of infancy are learned. The mother's heart is the child's first school-room. The parents' ex- amples are first imitated by the child, whose earliest impressions are gained from them. In no way are evil habits more effectually propagated than by example, and therefore parents should be what they wish their children to be. THE MOTHER'S INFLUENCE. To the mother belongs the privilege of planting in the hearts of her children those seeds of love, which, nurtured and fostered, will bear the fruit of earnest and useful lives. It is she who must fit them to meet the duties and emergencies of life, and in this work of training she keeps her heart fresh and young, and thereby insures the growth of those powers with which nature has endowed her. <]&> HOME TEAINING. ^IT As the faculties of man, woman or child are brought into active exercise, so do they become strengthened,, and the mother, in doing her work in the training of her children, grows in wisdom, in knowledge and in power, thus enabling her the better to perform her duties. PARENTS SHOULD SET GOOD EXAMPLES. As children first acquire knowledge and habits from, the examples of their parents, the latter should be cir- cumspect in all their actions, manners and modes of speech. If you wish your children's faces illumined with good humor, contentment and satisfaction, so that they will be cheerful, joyous and happy, day by day, then, must your own countenance appear illumined by the sunshine of love. Kind words, kind deeds and loving: looks are true works of charity, and they are needed in/ our home circle. Never a tear bedims the eye, That time and patience can not diy ; Never a lip is curved with pain. That can not be kissed into smiles again. I Your children will form habits of evil speaking if they hear you deal lightly with the reputation of another if they hear you slander or revile your neigh- bor. If you wish your child to show charity toward the erring, you must set the example by the habitual exercise of that virtue yourself. Without this your teaching will be of but little avail. If you take pleas- ure in dwelling upon the faults of others, if you refuse- to cover over their infirmities with the mantle of charity,. 218 HOME TRAINING. your example will nullify your teaching, and your admo- nitions will be lost. COURTESIES IN THE HOME CIRCLE. Mothers should early train their children to regard all the courtesies of life as scrupulously toward each other as to mere acquaintances and strangers. This is the only way in which you can secure to them the daily enjoyment of a happy home. When the extez-nal forms of courtesy are disregarded in the family circle, we are sure to find contention and bickering perpetually recur- ring. Rudeness is a constant source of bickering. Each will have his own way of being rude, and each will be angry at some portion of the ill-breeding of all the rest, thus provoking accusations and retorts. Where the rule of life is to do good and to make others happy, there will be found the art of securing a happy home. It is said that there is something higher in politeness than Christian moralists have recognized. In its best forms, none but the truly religious man can show it, for it is the sacrifice of self in the habitual matters of life always the best test of our principles together with a respect for man as our brother, under the same great destiny. EARLY MORAL TRAINING. The true test of the success of any education is its efficiency in giving full use of the moral and intellectual faculties wherewith to meet the duties and the strug- gles of life, and not by the variety of knowledge acquired. The development of the powers of the mind and its cwf HOME TRAINING. 219 tivation are the work of a teacher; moral training is the work of the mother, and commences long before one word of precept can be understood. Children should be early taught to regard the rights of others, that they may earl/ learn the rights which property confers and not entertain confused ideas upon this subject. FORMATION OF HABITS. Virtue is the child of good habits, and the formation of habits may be said to almost constitute the whole work of education. The mother can create habits which shall mold character and enable the mind to maintain that habitual sense of dnty which gives com- mand over the passions, and power to fight temptation, and which makes obedience to principle comparatively easy, under most circumstances. The social and domes- tic life are marred by habits which have grown into a second nature. It is not in an occasional act of civility that the charm of either home or society consists, but in continued practice of courtesy and respect for the rights and feelings of those around us. . Whatever may be the precepts for a home, the practices of the fireside will give form to the habits. Parents who indulge in gossip, scandal, slander and tale-telling, will rear children pos- sessing the same tastes and deteriorating habits. A parent's example outlines the child's character. It sinks down deep into his heart and influences his whole life for good or for evil. A parent should carefully avoid speaking evil of others, and should never exhibit faults requiring the mantle of charity to cover. A parent's 220 HOME TRAINING. example should be such as to excite an abhorrence of evil speaking, of tattling and of uncharitable construc- tion of the motives of others. Let the mother begin the proper training of her children in early life and she will be able to so mold their characters that not only will they acquire the habit of bridling the tongue, but they will learn to avoid the presence of the slanderer as they do a deadly viper. POLITENESS AT HOME. Genuine politeness is a great fosterer of domestic love, and those who are habitually polished at home are those who exhibit good manners when abroad. When parents receive any little attention from their children, they should thank them for it. They should ask a favor only in a courteous way; never reply to questions in monosyllables, or indulge in the rudeness of paying no attention to a question, for such an example will be surely followed by the children. Parents sometimes thoughtlessly allow their children to form habits of dis- respect in the home circle, which crop out in the bad manners that are found in society. HOW TO REPROVB. Parents should never check expressions of tenderness in their children, nor humiliate them before others. This will not only cause suffering to little sensitive hearts, but will tend to harden them. Reproof, if m-i-ded, should be administered to each child singly and HOMK TKAKSIN'T. CHEERFULNESS AT THE TABLE. Children should not be prohibited from laughing talking at the table. Joyousness promotes the circula- tion of the blood, enlivens and invigorates it, and sends it to all parts of the system, carrying with it animation, vigor and life. Controversy should not be permitted at the table, nor should any subjects which call forth polit- ical or religious difference. Every topic introduced should be calculated to instruct, interest or amuso. Business matters, past disappointments and mishaps should not be alluded to, nor should bad news be spoken of at the table, nor for half an hour before. All con- versation should be of joyous and gladsome character, such as will bring out pleasant remarks and agreeable associations. Reproof should never be administered at the table, either to a child or to a servant; no fault found with anything, and no unkind word should be spoken. If remarks are to be made of absent ones, they should be of a kind and charitable nature. Thus will the family table be the center of pleasant memories in future years, when the family shall have been scattered far and near, and some, perhaps, have been laid in their final resting-place. TRAIN' CHILDREN FOR SOME OCCUPATION. Chancellor Kent says: "Without some preparation made in youth for the sequel of life, children of all con- ditions would probably become idle and vicious when they grow up, from want of good instruction and habits, 222 HOME TRAINING. and the means of subsistence, or from want of rational and useful occupations. A parent who sends his son into the world without educating him in some art, science, profession or business, does great injury to- mankind, as well as to his son and his own family, for he defrauds the community of a useful citizen, and be- queaths to it a nuisance. That parent who trains his child for some special occupation, who inspires him with a feeling of genuine self-respect, has contributed a use- ful citizen to society." BAD TEMPER. Dread an insubordinate temper, and deal with it a one of the greatest evils. Let the child feel by your manner that he is not a safe companion for the rest of the family when he is in anger. Allow no one to speak to him at such times, not even to answer a question. Take from him books, and whatever he may have, and place him where he shall feel that the indulgence of a bad temper shall deprive him of all enjoyment, and he will soon learn to control himself. SELFISHNESS. Selfishness that binds the miser in his chains, that chills the heart, must never be allowed a place in the family circle. Teach the child to share his gifts and pleasures with others, to be obliging, kind and benevo- lent, and the influence of such instruction may come back into your own bosom, to bless your latest hours. HOME TRAINING, 22S HOME MAXIMS FOB TRAINING CHILDREN. Remember that children are men and women in min- iature, and though they should be allowed to act as children, still our dealings with them should be manly and not morose. Remember also that every word, tone and gesture, nay, even your dress, makes an im- pression. Never correct a child on suspicion, or without under- standing the whole matter, nor trifle with a child's feel- ings when under discipline. Be always mild and cheerful in their presence, com- municative, but never extravagant, trifling or vulgar in language or gesture. Never trifle with a child nor speak beseechingly when it is doing wrong. Always follow commands with a close and careful watch, until the thing is done, allowing no evasion and no modification, unless the child ask for it, and it be expressly granted. Never reprove children severely in company, nor hold them up to ridicule, nor make light of their failings. Never speak in an impatient, pitiful manner, if you have occasion to find fault. Never say to a child, " I don't believe what you say,'* nor even imply your doubts. If you have such feelings, keep them to yourself and wait; the truth will eventually be made plain. Never disappoint the confidence a child places in you, whether it be a thing placed in your care or a promise. Always give prompt attention to a child when he HOME TRAINING. speaks, so as to prevent repeated calls, and that he may learn to give prompt attention when you call him. Never try to impress a child with religious truth when in anger, or talk to him of God, as it will not have the desired effect. Do it under more favorable circum- tances. At the table a child should be taught to sit up and behave in a becoming manner, not to tease when denied, nor to leave his chair without asking. A parent's wish at such time should be a law from which no appeal should be made. Even in sickness gentle restraint is better for a child than indulgence. There should never be two sets of manners, the one for home and the other for company, but a gentle beha- vior should be always required. MUSIC. ' A protection against vice, An incentire to virtue." CHAPTER XX. HE work of home culture should be made a matter of great importance to every one, for upon it depends the happiness of earthly homes, as well as our fitness for the enjoyment of the eternal home in heaven. The sufferings endured here, friend for friend, parents for children, unrequited sacrifices, cares and tears, all tend to dis- cipline us, and prepare us for the recom- pense which eternity brings. CULTIVATE MORAL COUKAGE. Moral courage will be cultivated in your children as they observe that you say and do whatever you conscientiously believe to be right and true, without being influenced by the views of others; thus showing them that you fear nothing so much as failing to do your duty. Perhaps this may be difficult to do, but every mother can at least show her apprecia- tion of moral courage when she sees it exhibited by others, and in this way incite its growth in the souls of 15 (235) 226 HOME CULTURE. her children. Moral courage is a rare endowment, and 'those who possess it are able to act with perfect inde- pendence of the opinions of others, and govern them- selves only by the laws of propriety, uprightness and -charity. THE PERNICIOUS INFLUENCE OP INDOLENCE. If you would preserve your children from the per- nicious influence of indolence and all its corrupting ten- dencies, you must be earnest in purpose, active, ener- getic and fervent in spirit. Earnestness sharpens the faculties; indolence corrodes and dulls them. By the former we rise higher and higher, by the latter we sink lower and lower. Indolence begets discontent, envy and jealousy, while labor elevates the mind and char- acter. Cultivate in your children habits of thought which will keep their minds occupied upon something that will be of use or advantage, and prevent them from acquiring habits of idleness, if you would secure their future well-being. It has been said that he who performs no useful act in society, who makes no human being happier, is lead- ing a life of utter selfishness a life of sin for a life of selfishness is a life of sin. There is nowhere room for idleness. Work is both a duty and a necessity of our nature, and a befitting reward will ever follow it. To foster and encourage labor in some useful form, is a duty which parents should urge upon their children, if they should seek their best good. HOME CULTURE. 227 SELF-BESPECTo It is the mother's duty to see that her children pro- tect themselves from the many pit-falls which surround them, such as malice, envy, conceit, avariciousness, and other evils, by being clad in the armor of self-respect; and then they will be able to encounter temptation and corruption, unstained and unpolluted. This feeling of self-respect is something stronger than self-reliance, higher than pride. It is an energy of the soul which masters the whole being for its good, watching with a never-ceasing vigilance. It is the sense of duty and the sense of honor combined. It is an armor, which, though powerless to shield from sorrows that purify and invig- orate, yet will avert all hostile influences that assail, from whatever source they come. The mother having once made her children conscious that always and every- where they carry with them such an angel to shield, warn and rescue them, may let them go out into the world, and fear nothing from the wiles and temptations which may beset them. BESULTS OP GOOD-BBEEDING IN" THB HOME CIBCLE. The laws of good-breeding in no place bear more grati- fying results than in the home circle. Here, tempered with love, and nurtured by all kindly impulses, they bear the choicest fruit. A true lady will show as much courtesy, and observe the duties of politeness a^ unfail- ingly, 'toward every member of her family as toward 228 HOME CULTUKE. her most distinguished guest. A true gentleman will feel bound to exercise courtesy and kindness in his inter- course with those who depend upon him for protection and example. Children influenced by such examples at home, will never fail to show to their elders the respect due them, to their young companions the same consider- ation for their feelings which they expect to meet with in return, nor to servants that patience which even the best too often require. In such a home peace and good will are the household gods. FAULT-FINDING AND GRUMBLING. The oil of civility is required to make the wheels of domestic life run smoothly. The habit of fault-finding and grumbling indulged in by some, is an exceedingly vexatious one, and will, in time, ruffle the calmest spirit and the sweetest temper. It is the little annoyances, perplexities and misfortunes which often render life a burden; the little omission of minor duties and the com- mitting of little faults that perpetually scourge us and keep the heart sore. Constant fault-finding, persistent misrepresentations of motives, suspicions of evil where no evil was intended, will complete the work in all but the finest and most heroic natur.es, They alone can stand the fiery test, coming out purer and stronger for the ordeal. Children who habitually obey the com- mandment, " Be kind to one another,*' will find in mature life, how strong the bonds of affection may be that bind the members of the household together. HOME CULTUBE. 229 FAMILY JARS NOT TO BE MADE PUBLIC. Whatever may be the family disagreements, they should never be made known outside of the home circle, if it can be avoided. Those who expose the faults of the members of their family are severely judged by the world, and no provocation can be a good excuse for it. It is exceedingly vulgar, not to say unchristianlike, for the members of the same family to be at enmity with one another. YIELDING TO ONE ANOTHER. One of the greatest disciplines of human life, is that which teaches us to yield our wills to those who have a claim upon us to do so, even in trifling, every-day affairs; the wife to the husband, children to parents, to teachers and to one another. In cases where principle is con- cerned, it is, of course, necessary to be firm, which requires an exercise of moral courage. CONFLICTING INTERESTS. Conflicting interests are a fruitful source of family difficulties. The command of Christ to the two broth- ers who came to Him with their disputes, "Beware of covetousness," is as applicable among members of the same family now, as it was when those words were spoken. It is better that you have few or no business transactions with any one who is near and dear to you, and connected by family ties, In business relations 230 HOME CULTURE. men are apt to be very exact, because of their habits of business, and this exactness is too often construed by near friends and relatives as actuated by purely selfish motives. Upon this rock many a bark of family love has been wrecked. RELIGIOUS EDUCATION. It is well to remember that every blessing of our lives, every joy of our hearts and every ray of hope shed upon our pathway, have had their origin in reli- gion, and may be traced in all their hallowed, healthful influences to the Bible. With the dawn of childhood,, then, in the earliest days of intelligence, should the mind be impressed and stored with religious truth, and noth- ing should be allowed to exclude or efface it. It should be taught so early that the mind will never remember when it began to learn; it will then have the character of innate, inbred principles, incorporated with their very being. OBEDIENCE. If you would not have all your instructions and coun- sels ineffectual, teach your children to obey. Govern- ment in a family is the great safeguard of religion and morals, the support of order and the source of pros- perity. Nothing has a greater tendency to bring a curse upon a family than the insubordination and disobe- dience of children, and there is no more painful and disgusting sight than an ungoverned child. HOME CULTURE. 231 INFLUENCE OF EXAMPLE. Never forget that the first book children read is their parents' example their daily deportment. If this is forgotten you may find, in the loss of your domestic peace, that while your children well know the right path, they follow the wrong. Childhood is like a mirror, catching and reflecting images all around it. Remember that an impious, pro- fane or vulgar thought may operate upon the heart of a young child like a careless spray of water upon polished steel, staining it with rust that no efforts can thoroughly efface. Improve the first ten years of life as the golden op- portunity, which may never return. It is the seed time, and your harvest depends upon the seed then sown. THE INFLUENCE OF BOOKS. Few mothers can over-estimate the influence which the companionship of books exerts in youth upon the habits and tastes of their children, and no mother who has the welfare of her children at heart will neglect the important work of choosing the proper books for them to read, while they are under her care. She should select for them such as will both interest and instruct, and this should be done during the early years, before their minds shall have imbibed the pernicious teachings of bad books and sensational novels. The poison im- bibed from bad books works so secretly that their influ- ence for evil is even greater than the influence of bad 232 HOME CULTUKK. associates. The mother has it in her power to make such books the companions and friends of her children as her good judgment may select, and to impress upon them their truths, by conversing with them about the moral lessons or the intellectual instructions they con- tain. A taste may be easily cultivated for books on natural science and for history, as well as for those that teach important and wholesome lessons for the young, such as are contained in the works of Mrs. Edgeworth, Mrs Child, Mrs. Yonge, and many other books written for the young. CHAPTER XXI. Roman's has been seen that in the rearing and training of her children, woman has a great work to perform; that in this work she exerts an incalculable influ- ence upon untold numbers, and that she molds the minds and characters of her sons and daughters. How- important, then, that she should cultivate her mental faculties to the highest extent, if for no other reason than to fit herself the better for the performance of this great duty of educating her children. How important it is, also, that she should look to the higher education of her daughters, who, in turn, will become mothers of future generations, or may, perhaps, by some vicissitude of fortune, become dependent upon their own resources for support. With the highest culture of the mental faculties, woman will be best enabled to faithfully perform whatever she may undertake. (2831 234 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. TRAIN YOUNG WOMEN TO SOME OCCUPATION. Owing to the changes in social and industrial life which have crowded many women from their homes into business and public life, women must train for their branch of labor as men train for their work, if they wish to attain any degree of success. Even where women have independent fortunes, their lives will be all the happier if they have been trained to some occupation, that, in case of reverses, may be made a self-sustaining one. A young woman who is able to support herself, increases her chances for a happy marriage, for, not being obliged to rely upon a husband for support or for a home, she is able to judge calmly of an offer when it comes, and is free to accept or decline, because of her independence. Women are capable of and adapted to a large number of employments, which have hitherto been kept from them, and some of these they are slowly wrenching from the hands of the sterner sex. In order that women may enter the ranks of labor which she is forcing open to herself, she needs a special education and training to fit her for such employment. EDUCATION OP GIRLS TOO SUPERFICIAL. The school instruction of our girls is too superficial. There is a smattering of too many branches, where two or three systematically studied and thoroughly mastered, would accomplish much more for them in the way of a sound mental training, which is the real object of educa- tion. The present method of educating young girls is WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 235' to give them from five {o ten studies, in which they pre- pare lessons, and this, too, at an age when their physical! development suffers and is checked by excess of mental labor. Such a course of instruction, bestowing only a smattering of many branches, wastes the powers of the mind, and deters, rather than aids, self-improvement. It is only a concentration of the mind upon the thorough acquisition of all it undertakes that strengthens the reflective, and forms the reasoning, faculties, and thus helps to lay a solid foundation for future usefulness. The word education means to educe, to draw out the- powers of the mind; not the cramming into it of facts,, dates and whole pages to be repeated verbatim. AN EDUCATION APPROPRIATE TO EACH SEX. The fact is becoming more palpable every year that there is an education appropriate to each sex; that iden- tical education for the two sexes is so unnatnral, that physiology protests against it and experience weeps over it. The physiological motto in education is, " Educate a man for manhood, a woman for womanhood, and both for humanity." Herbert Spencer, in speaking of the want of a proper course of education for girls, says: " It is an astonishing fact that, though on the treatment of offspring depend their lives or deaths, and their moral welfare or ruin, yet not one word of instruction on treatment of offspring is ever given to those who will, by and by, be parents." It will thus be seen, that as women have the care, the training and the education of children, they need an education in a special direc- 236 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. tion, and should have a very thorough one, to prepare them for the task. WOMEN SHOULD HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OP THE LAWS OP HEALTH. Physiology is one of the branches of that higher edu- cation, which should be thoroughly pursued by women to enable them to fulfill the various duties of their allotted stations. Yet it is also desirable that they should have a thorough knowledge, of all branches that they undertake, and a mastery of the studies pursued by them; for the want of thoroughness in woman's edu- cation is an obstacle to success in all branches of labor. But woman should especially have a thorough knowledge of the laws of physiology and hygiene. If she becomes a mother, such knowledge will enable her to guard better the lives and health of her children. She will under- stand that when she sends out her child insufficiently clad, and he comes home chilled through, that his vital- ity, his power of resisting disease, is wasted. She will know that by taking the necessary precautions, she may save the child's life; that she must not take him thus chilled, to the fire or into a room highly heated, but that by gentle exercise or friction, she must restore the circulation of the blood, and in using such precautions, she may ward off the attacks of disease that would surely follow if they were neglected. This is but a single case, for there are instances of almost daily occurrence when .a proper knowledge of the laws of health will ward off disease, in her own case, as well as in those of various WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 237 members of her household. The diseases which carry off children, are for the most part, such as ought to be under the control of the women who love them, pet them, educate them, and who would, in many cases, lay down their lives for them. RESULT OF IGNORANCE OF SANITARY LAWS. Ignorance of the laws of ventilation in sleeping-rooms and school-rooms is the cause of a vast amount of dis- ease. From ignorance of the signs of approaching disease, children are often punished for idleness, listless- ness, sulkiness and wilfulness, and this punishment is too often by confinement in a closed room, and by an increase of tasks; when what is really needed is more oxygen, more open-air exercise, and less study. These forms of ignorance have too often resulted in malignant typhus and brain fevers. Knowledge of the laws of hygiene will often spare the waste of health and strength in the young, and will also spare anxiety and misery to those who love and tend them. If the time devoted to the many trashy so-called "accomplishments " in a young lady's education, were given to a study of the laws of preserving health, how many precious lives might be spared to loving parents, and how many frail and delicate forms, resulting from inattention to physi- cal training, might have become strong and beautiful temples of exalted souls. We are all in duty bound to know and to obey the laws of nature, on which the wel- fare of our bodies depends, for the full enjoyment of '238 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. our faculties can only be attained when the body is in iperfect health. IDLENESS A SOURCE OP MISERY. Perhaps the greatest cause of misery and wretchedness in social life is idleness. The want of something to do is what makes people wicked and miserable. It breeds selfishness, mischief -making, envy, jealousy and vice, in .all its most dreadful forms. It is the duty of mothers to see >that their daughters are trained to habits of industry, that their minds are at all times occupied, that they are well informed as to household duties, and to the duties of married life, for upon a knowledge of household details may depend their life-long happiness or misery. It is frequently the case, that a girl's educa- tion ends just as her mind is beginning to mature and her faculties are beginning to develop. Her education ends when it ought properly to begin. She enters upon marriage entirely unprepared, and, perchance, by some misfortune, she is thrown penniless upon the world with no means of obtaining a livelihood, for her education has never fitted her for any vocation. Not having been properly taught herself, she is not able to teach, and she finds no avenue of employment open to her. An English clergyman, writing upon this subject, says: " Let girls take a serious interest in art; let them take up some congenial study, let it be a branch of science or history. Let them write. They can do almost any- thing they try to do, but let their mothers never rest iuntil they have implanted in their daughters' lives one WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 239 growing interest beyond flirtation and gossip, whether it be work at the easel, music, literature, the structure of the human body and the laws of health, any solid interest that will occupy their thoughts and their hearts. Idleness, frivolity and ignorance can only be put down by education and employment. In the last resort, the spirit of evil becomes teacher and task-master." WOMEN SHOULD CULTIVATE A SPIRIT OF INDEPENDENCE. In this country more than any other, women should, to some extent, cultivate a spirit of independence. They should acquire a knowledge of how business is transacted, of the relation between capital and labor, and of the value of labor, skilled and unskilled. As housekeepers, they would then be saved from many annoyances and mistakes. If they chance to be left alone, widows, or orphans possessing means, they would be saved from many losses and vexatious experiences by knowing how to transact their own business. And those women who are obliged to take care of themselves, who have no means, how necessary is it that they should have a thorough knowledge of some occupation or busi- ness by which they can maintain themselves and others dependent upon them. In this country, the daughter brought up in affluence, may, by some rapid change of fortune, be obliged, upon arriving at maturity, to be among the applicants for whatever employment she may be fitted. If she has been trained to some useful occu- pation, or if her faculties have been developed by a thoroughness of study of any sub]ect she has undertaken, 240 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. she will be better qualified to prepare herself to fill any position which may be open to her. With a mind, drilled by constant study she will the more quickly ac- quire a knowledge aud grasp the details of any subject or business to which she may devote herself. HEALTH AND LIFE DEPENDENT UPON A HIGHER CULTURE. Not only wealth and comfort, but health and life are dependent upon a higher form of culture, a more thor- ough course of education than is now the standard. Not more, but fewer branches of study and a more thorough comprehension of those pursued. Not only are the health and life of each woman dependent upon the kind and degree of the education she receives, but the health and lives of great numbers may depend upon it. In proportion as she has a knowledge of the laws and nature of a subject will she be able to work at it easily, rapidly and successfully. Knowledge of physi- cal laws saves health and life, knowledge of the laws of intellect saves wear and tear of the brain, knowledge of the laws of political economy and business affairs saves- anxiety and worrying. CULTIVATION OF THE MORAL SENSE. A well educated moral sense prevents idleness and develops a well regulated character, which will preserve from excess those tenderer emotions and deeper passions- of woman, which are potent in her for evil or for good, in proportion as they are undisciplined and allowed to> WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 241 ran wild, or are trained and developed into a noble and harmonious self-restraint. The girl who has so educated and regulated her intel- lect, her tastes, her emotions and her moral sense, as to be able to discern the true from the false, will be ready for the faithful performance of whatever work in life is allotted to her; while she who is allowed to grow up ignorant, idle, vain, frivolous, will find herself fitted for no state of existence, and, in after years, with feelings of remorse and despair over a wasted life, may cast reproach upon those in whose trust was reposed her early education. It is not for women alone that they should seek a higher education of their faculties and powers but for the sake of the communities in which they live, for the sake of the homes in which they rule and govern, and govern immortal souls, and for the sake of those other homes in the humbler walks of life, where they owe duties as ministering spirits as well as in their own, for in proportion as they minister to the comfort and health -of others, so do they exalt their own souls. Women should seek a higher education in order that they may elevate themselves, and that they may prepare them- selves for whatever duty they may be called upon to perform. In social life we find that the truest wives, the most patient and careful mothers, the most exem- plary house-keepers, the model sisters, the wisest philan- thropists and the women of the greatest social influence are women of cultivated minds. CHAPTER XXII. 3^rt 0f Setter letting. FREXCH writer says, that the writing a note or letter, the word- ing of a regret, the prompt or the delayed answering of an invitation, the manner of a salutation, the neglect of a required attention, all betray to the well-bred the degree or the absence of good-breeding. A person who has self-respect as well as respect for others, should never care- lessly write a letter or note. nffH1 l FB*fl JI> *" fOft COKKKCT WKJ.Ti.sG. The letter or note should be free from all flourishes. The rules of punctuation should be followed as nearly as possible, and no capital letter* wed where they are not required. Ink-biota, eraauie and stains on the paper are inadmissible. Any abbrevi- ations of name, rank or title are considered rude, beyond those sanctioned by eastom. Xo abbreviations of words Aoald be indulged in, nor underlining of words intended to be made emphatic. All amounts of money or other THE AKT OF LETTER WRITING. 24:3 numbers should be written, reserving the use of numer- ical figures for dates only. It is a good form to have the address of the writer printed at the top of the sheet> especially for all business letters. For letters of friend- ship and notes, pure white paper and envelopes are in better taste than tinted or colored, and the paper should be of a superior quality. When a page is once written from left to right side, it should not be written over again from top to bottom. ANONYMOUS LETTERS, No attention should ever be paid to anonymous let- ters. The writers of such stamp themselves as cow- ardly, and cowards do not hesitate to say or write what is not true when it suits their purpose. All state- ments made in such letters should be regarded as false, and the writers as actuated by some bad motives. An- onymous letters should be burned at once, for they r not to be noticed. LETTERS AND NOTKS. The writing of notes in the third person is generally confined to notes of invitation, and such notes are never signed. When a letter is upon business, commencing "Sir" or "Dear Sir," the name of the person addressed may be written either at the beginning or at the close of the \etter, in the left hand corner. In letters commencing with the name of the person to whom you are writing, 244 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. as, "My Dear Mrs. Brown," the name should not be repeated in the left hand corner. No notes should be commenced very high or very low ion the page, but nearer the top than the middle of the sheet. MANNER OF ADDRESS. In addressing a clergyman, it is customary to com- mence "Reverend Sir," or "Dear Sir." It is not now customary to write "B. A." or "M. A." after his name. Doctors of divinity and medicine are thus distin- guished: "To the Rev. John Blair, D. D.," or "Rev. Dr. Blair;" "To G. T. Roscoe, M. D.," "Doctor Ros- coe" or "Dr. Roscoe." The President of the United States and Governors of States, are addressed "His Excllency." U. S. Senators, members of Congress and men distinguished by holding various political offices of an honorable nature, are addressed as " Honorable." The superscription or address should be written upon the envelope as legibly as possible, beginning a little to the left of the center of the envelope. The number of the house and name of the street may be written imme- diately under this line, or in the lower left hand corner, as the writer sees fit. The postage stamp should be securely fixed in the upper right hand corner of the envelope. The following forms will show the appear- ance of a properly addressed envelope: THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 245 796 246 THE ART OF LETTER WRUTNO.. v^W-W^ J STAMP. * ( . In sending a letter in care of another person the fol- lowing form is the manner in which the envelope should be addressed: 3C. In sending a letter by a friend or acquaintance, and not through the mail, acknowledge the courtesy of your friend on the envelope. The letter should not be sealed. The following is the proper form : THE AET OF LETTER WRITING. 247 734 A note or letter sent to a friend residing in the same place, by a messenger, may be addressed as follows, or bear the full address: t 248 THB ART OF LETTER WRITING. FORM OF A LETTER. cJ? wecewtecl M w aoact fate*, andAa&ten fo aiLewoued at t/ie /wa&fiecfo o^ a, "ffttu a/ t/ie Qfacwfo. " and tf ' mew- utitfisU&u and mu man ^% av-e & THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 249> DEGREES OF FORMALITY OBSERVED. In commencing and signing notes and letters there is a difference of opinion in the degrees of formality to be observed, but generally this scale is used according to the degree of acquaintance or friendship. " Madam ' r or "Sir," "Dear Madam" or "Dear Sir," "My Dear Madam" or "My Dear Sir," "Dear Mrs. Brown" or "Dear Mr. Brown," "My Dear Mrs Brown" or "My Dear Mr. Brown," "My Dear Friend." In closing a note, the degrees are implied as follows: "Truly Yours" or "Yours Truly," "Very Truly Yours," "Sin- cerely Yours," " Cordially Yours," " Faithfully Yours,'* "Affectionately Yours." The proper words should be carefully selected, as the conclusion of a note or letter makes an impression on the person reading it. To aged persons the form, "With great respect, sincerely yours," recommends itself as a proper form. " Yours,. x etc.," is considered a rude ending. If you are suf- ficiently well acquainted with a person to address her " My Dear Mrs. - ," do not sign " Yours Truly," or "Truly Yours," as this is the form to be used in writing to strangers or in business letters. SIGNATURE OF LADIES. A married lady should not sign herself with the "Mrs." before her baptismal name, or a single lady with the " Miss." In writing to strangers who do not know whether to address you as Mrs or Miss, the- THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. address should be given in full, after signing your let- ter; as "Mrs. John Smith," followed by the direction j or if unmarried, the " Miss " should be placed in brack- ets a short distance preceding the signature. Only the letters of unmarried ladies and widows are addressed with their baptismal names. The letters of married ladies are addressed with their husbands' names, as " Mrs John Smith." LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. Letters of introduction should be brief and carefully worded. Give in full the name of the person intro- duced, the city or town he is from, intimating the mutual pleasure that you believe the acquaintance will confer, adding a few remarks concerning the one intro- duced, as circumstances seem to require. Modest per- sons sometimes shrink from delivering letters of intro- duction which appear to them to be undeservedly com- plimentary. Letters of introduction are left unsealed, to be sealed before delivery by the one introduced. They should receive immediate attention by the parties who receive them. When a gentleman delivers such a letter to a lady, he is at liberty to call upon her, send- ing her his card to ascertain whether she will receive him then, or appoint another hour that will be more convenient. The same rule is to be observed by those whose stay in the city is short. He may also send it to her with his card bearing his address. A letter of introduction should not be given, unless THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 251 the person writing it is very well acquainted with the one whom he introduces, and the one to whom he writes. If the person who receives such a letter is really well- l)red, you will hear from him or her within twenty-four hours, for a letter of introduction is said to be like a draft, it must be cashed at sight. The one receiving it either invites you to dine, or to meet others, or to a drive, or to visit some place of amusement. Too great caution cannot be exercised in giving a letter which makes such demands upon an acquantance. When the letter of introduction is left with a card, if there is a gentleman in the family, he may call upon the stranger the next day, unless some engagement pre- vents, when he should send his card with an invitation. If the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, she may write a note of invitation in answer, appointing a time for him to call. The following is an appropriate form for a letter of introduction, 252 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. ' s s ct-tip. Cr s M.e< ' -W4.>& w&t. s . M. INVITATION TO A BALL. The "At Home " form of invitation for a reception is often adopted for a ball with the word " Dancing " in one corner, though many people use the "At Home'* form only for receptions. For balls the hours are not limited as at receptions. When the above form is not used for a ball, the invitation may read as follows: "Mrs. Blair requests the pleasure of Miss Milton's company at a ball, on Tuesday, February 7, at o'clock." Invitations to a ball are always given in the name of the lady of the house, and require an answer, which should not be delayed. If the invitation is accepted,, the answer should be as follows: " Miss Milton accepts with pleasure Mrs. Blair's kind invitation for Tuesday, February 7." If it is found impossible to attend, a note of regrets, something like tb* 1 following, should be sent: THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 255- "Miss Milton regrets that intended absence from home (or whatever may be the preventing cause) pre- vents her accepting Mrs. Blair's kind invitation for February 7." INVITATION TO A LARGE PARTY. The invitation to a large party is similar to that for a ball, only the words " at a ball " are omitted, and the hour may be earlier. The notes of acceptance and regret are the same as for a ball. If the party is a small one, it should be indicated by inserting the words, " to a. small evening party," so that there may be no misunder- standing. A large party calls for full evening dress, and it would be embarrassing for a lady or gentleman to go to a house in full evening dress, expecting to find a large party there in similar costumes, and meet only a few friends and acquaintances plainly dressed. If there is any special feature which is to give character to the evening, it is best to mention this fact in the note of invitation. Thus the words " musical party," " to take part in dramatic readings," " amateur theatricals," will denote the character of the evening's entertainment. If you have programmes, enclose one in the invitation. INVITATION TO A PUBLIC ENTERTAINMENT. An invitation from a gentleman to a lady to attend a, concert, lecture, theatre, opera or other amusement, may read as follows : "Mr. Hayden would be pleased to have Miss Mor- ton's company to the Academy of Music, on Monday evening, November 8, when ' Richelieu ' will be played by Edwin Booth's Company." "256 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. An invitation of this kind demands an immediate answer of acceptance or regrets. A previous engage- ment may be a reason for rejection. DINNER INVITATIONS. These are written in the name of the husband and wife, and demand an immediate reply. This form may be used: "Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen's company at dinner, on Tuesday, the 13th of January, at 7 o'clock." A note of acceptance may read as follows: " Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow's kind invitation to dine with them on Tuesday, the 13th inst., at 7 o'clock." A note of regret may read: " Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen regret exceedingly that sickness in the family (or whatever the cause may be) prevents the acceptance of Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow's kind invitation to dine with them on Tuesday, January 13th." INVITATIONS TO TEA. An invitation to a tea-drinking may be less formal And should partake more of the nature of a private note; thus: "Dear Miss Brock: Some friends are coming to drink tea with me on Thursday, and I should be glad of the pleasure of your company also. Please do not dis- appoint me." An invitation of this informal nature needs no reply, unless "R. S. V. P." is appended, in which case the THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 257 answer must be returned, if possible, by the messenger who brought it, or sent at once, as your friend may depend upon having a certain number of people at her tea-drinking, and if you cannot go, she will want to supply your place. LESS FORMAL INVITATIONS. Invitations of a less formal character are sent for charades, private theatricals, and for archery, croquet, sailing and garden parties; but, however informal the invitation (except only when a visiting card is used) on no account neglect to give immediate attention to it, ' by sending an acceptance or a regret, for any want of courtesy in this respect is unpardonable. PROMPTNESS IN ANSWERING. All invitations requiring answers should be answered as soon as possible after receiving them. The French have a saying, applicable to all notes of invitation, to the effect that it is as important to reply as promptly to a note requiring an answer, as it is to a question in speaking. All refined people who are accustomed to the best social forms, consider that it would be an un- pardonable negligence to omit for a single day replying to an invitation or a note requiring a reply. In accepting dinner invitations, repeat the hour and day named in your letter of acceptance, in order that if any mistake has been made it may be corrected. Promptly acknowledge all attentions you receive, Buch as receiving presents of books, flowers, etc. ir 258 THE AKT OF LETTER WRITING. EXPRESSIONS TO BE USED. The expression " presents compliments " has become obsolete in the writing of invitations. The expression " kind " or " very kind " invitation has taken the place of " polite," in notes of acceptance or regret. Be par- ticular to distinguish between " go " and " come," you go to a friend's house and your friend comes to your house. TIME TO SEND INVITATIONS. Invitations for parties and entertainments of a formal nature, can be sent out for a week or two weeks before the entertainment is to take place. A notice of not less than one week is expected for such invitations. They should be printed or engraved on small note paper or large cards, with the envelopes to match, with no colors in the monogram, if one is used. INVITATIONS FOR SEVERAL MEMBERS OF A FAMILY. It is not considered good form to have one card of invitation answer for several persons belonging to the same family, or to address an invitation " Mrs. Blank and family," as it indicates a scarcity of cards. One card or invitation may be sent to Mr. and Mrs. Blank, and one each to the several members of the family who are to be invited. THE LEAST FORMAL INVITATIONS. The least formal, of formal invitations, is when a lady sends or leaves her own visiting card with the invitation THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 259 upon it. An invitation of this kind need not be an- swered unless an "R. S. V. P." (Respondez sHl v&us plait), is on the card. You go or not, as you please, but if you do not go, you call, or leave a card as soon after as is convenient. UNCIVIL ANSWERS. Uncivil and curt, not to say rude, answers are some- times returned to invitations, more frequently the result of carelessness in their writers than of premeditated rudeness. " Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown regret that they cannot accept Mrs. Smith's invitation for Wednesday evening," is a rude form of regret. "Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown decline Mrs. Moses Smith's invitation for Friday evening," is a still ruder form. A curt and thoughtless reply is: "Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown's compliments and re- grets for Friday evening." REASONS FOR REGRETS. " All regrets from persons who are not able to accept invitations, should contain a reason for regretting," is a rule strictly observed in our best society, and is consid- ered especially binding in answering a first invitation. If persons are in mourning, they regret that a recent bereavement prevents them from accepting. Those con- templating being absent from home, regret that contem- plated absence from home prevents them from accept- 260 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. ing. " A previous engagement " is made the excuse when there is an engagement either at home or away from it, and also when one has no inclination to accept; which makes it quite necessary for those who really regret their inability to accept, to mention what that engagement is. THE FAMILY LETTER. It seems hardly necessary to give the form of a letter from one member of a family to another. It is often the case that letters sent from home to an absent mem- ber are decidedly unsatisfactory, if not to a great extent of little interest outside of one or two facts mentioned. Consequently some hint as to what those letters should be, are here given. They should be written as though the writer were talking, using familiar expressions, and such peculiarities as the writer possesses in ordinary speech should find a place in the letter. The writer may speak of many trivial things at and about home, and gossipy matters in the neighborhood, and should keep the absent one posted upon all minor facts and occurrences, as well as the more important ones. The writer may make inquiries as to how the absent one is enjoying himself, whether -he finds any place better than home, and ask such other questions as he may desire, concluding with sincere expressions of affection from various members of the family. The absent one may, in like manner, express himself freely on all subjects, describe his journey minutely, and speak of whatever he may feel deep interest in. In short, a family letter may be as gossipy as the writer can make it, without THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 261 much regard to an attempt at showy or dignified com- position. THE LETTER OP FRIENDSHIP. This should be of a more dignified tone, contain less trivialties than the family letter, and should embrace matters that will be of interest to both. A letter of friendship should be answered in due time, according to the intimacy of the parties, but should not be delayed long enough to allow the friendship to cool, if there is a desire to keep it warm. THE LOVE LETTER. Of this it may be only said, that while it may be expressive of sincere esteem and affection, it should be of a dignified tone, and written in such a style, that if it should ever come under the eyes of others than the party to whom it was written, there may be found in it nothing of which the writer may be ashamed, either of silliness or of extravagant expression. BUSINESS LETTERS. These should be brief and to the point, should be of plain chirography, and relate to the business in hand, in as few words and as clearly as possible. Begin at once without apology or explanation, and finish up the matter pertaining to the business. If an apology or explanation is due, it may be made briefly at the close of the letter, after the business has been attended to. A letter on business should be answered at once, or as soon as possi- ble after receiving it. 262 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING It is allowable, in some cases, upon receiving a brief business letter, to write the reply on the same page, beneath the original letter, and return both letter and answer together. Among business letters may be classed all correspond- ence relating to business, applications for situations, testimonials regarding the character of a servant or employe, letters requesting the loan of money or an article, and letters granting or denying the favor; while all forms of drawing up notes, drafts and receipts may properly be included. The forms of some of these are here given. LETTERS REQUESTING EMPLOYMENT. A letter of this kind should be short, and written with care and neatness, that the writer may both show his penmanship and his business-like qualities, which are often judged of by the form of. his letter. It may be after this fashion: NEW YORK, March 1, 1880. MESSRS. LORD & NOBLE, DEAR SIRS: Having heard that you are in need of more assistance in your establishment (or store, office) I venture to ask you for employment. I can refer you to Messrs. Jones & Smith, my late employers, as to my qualifications, should you decide to consider my application. Yours truly, JAMES ROBERTS. THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 263 LETTERS REGARDING THE CHARACTER OF A SERVANT. DEAR MADAM: Sarah Riley, having applied to me for the position, of cook, refers me to you for a charac- ter. I feel particularly anxious to obtain a good servant for the coming winter, and shall therefore feel obliged by your making me acquainted with any particulars referring to her character, and remain, madam, Your very obedient servant, MRS. GEORGB STONE. To MRS. ALFRED STARK. MRS. GEORGE STONE, DEAR MADAM: It gives me pleasure to say that Sarah Riley lived with me for two years, and during that time I found her active, diligent and efficient. She is a superior cook, and I have full confidence in her honesty. I feel that I can recommend her with full confidence of her being likely to give you satisfaction. I am, madam, Your very obedient servant, MRS. ALFRED STARK. MRS. GEORGE STONE, DEAR MADAM: In replying to your note of inquiry, I beg to inform you that Sarah Riley, who lived with me in the capacity of cook, left my services because I did not find her temper and habits in all respects satis- factory. She was thoroughly competent as a cook, but in other respects I cannot conscientiously recommend her. I remain, Yours, very truly, MRS. ALFRED STARK. NOTES, DRAFTS, BILLS AND RECEIPTS. The following are forms of notes, drafts, receipts, etc.: 264 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING, Promissory Note Without Interest. $500. CINCINNATI, O., June 6, 1880o Sixty days after date, I promise to pay Samuel Arch- over, or order, at my office in Cincinnati, five hundred dollars, value received. TIMOTHY MORTGRAVE. Promissory Note With Interest but not Negotiable. $125.30. CHICAGO, Sept. 2, 1880. For value received, I promise to pay Daniel Cartright one hundred and twenty-five dollars and thirty cents, on August 12th next, with interest at seven per cent, after January 1, 1881. JOHN S. ALLBRIGHT. A Negotiable Note Payable to Bearer. $75. DETROIT, MICH., Oct. 8, 1881. Thirty days after date, for value received, I promise to pay Silas G. Smithers, or bearer, at my office in Detroit, seventy-five dollars with interest from date. SAMUEL Q. PETTIBONB. Form of a Receipt. $25. NEW YORK, Nov. 3, 1880. Received from James O. Mitchell, twenty-five dollar^ to apply on account. SMITH, JONES & Co. Form of a Draft, Time from Sight. $1,000. DETROIT, MICH., July 7, 1880. At ten days sight, pay to the order of J. Smith & Co., one thousand dollars, and charge the same to the ao- eount of SHEPARD & NILES. To SAMUEL STOKER & Co., Indianapolis, Ind. THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 266 A Draft or Order " Without Grace." $175. CINCINNATI, OHIO, Aug. 12, 1880. At sight, without grace, pay to F. B. Dickerson dress in summer, and in winter a waterproof cloak may be used in the same way. For traveling costumes a. variety of materials may be used, of soft, neutral tints,, and smooth surface which does not retain the dust. These should be made up plainly and quite short. The underskirts should be colored, woolen in winter and linen in summer. The hat or bonnet must be plainly trimmed and completely protected by a large veil. Velvet is unfit for a traveling hat, as it catches and retains the dust; collars and cuffs of plain linen. The- hair should be put up in the plainest manner. A water- proof and warm woolen shawl are indispensible, and may be rolled in a shawl strap when not needed. A satchel should be carried, in which may be kept a change of collars, cuffs, gloves, handkerchiefs, toilet articles, and towels. A traveling dress should be well supplied! with pockets. The waterproof should have large pock- ets, and there should be one in the underskirt in which to carry such money and valuables as are not needed for immediate use. THE WEDDING DRESS. < A full bridal costume should be white from head to foot. The dress may be of silk, heavily corded, moire antique, satin or plain silk, merino, alpaca, crape, lawn or muslin. The veil may be of lace, tulle or illusion,, but it must be long and full. It may or may not de- scend over the face. Orange blossoms or other white flowers and maiden blush roses should form the bridal wreath and bouquet. The dress is high and the arms 33 G DRESS. covered. Slippers of white satin and white kid gloves complete the dress. The dress of the bridegroom and ushers is given in the chapter treating of the etiquette of weddings. DRESS OF BRIDBMAIDS. The dresses of .bridemaids are not so elaborate as that of the bride. They should also be of white, but may- be trimmed with delicately colored flowers and ribbons. White tulle, worn over pale pink or blue silk and-caught up with blush roses or forget-me-nots, with bouquet de corsage and hand bouquet of the same, makes a beauti- ful costume for the bridemaids. The latter, may or may not, wear veils, but if they do, they should be shorter than that of the bride. TRAVELING DRESS OF A BRIDE. This should be of silk, or any of the fine fabrics for -walking dresses; should be of some neutral tint; and T)onnet and gloves should match in color. It may be more elaborately trimmed than an ordinary traveling -dress, but if the bride wishes to attract as little atten- tion as possible, she will not make herself conspicuous by a too showy dress. In private weddings the bride is sometimes married in traveling costume, and the bridal pair at once set out upon their journey. DRESS AT WEDDING RECEPTIONS. At wedding receptions in the evening, guests should wear full evening dress. No one should attend in black DEE88. 337 or mourning dress, which should give place to grey or lavender. At a morning reception of the wedded couple, guests should wear the richest street costume with white gloves. MOURNING. The people of the' United States have settled upon no prescribed periods for the wearing of mourning gar- ments. Some wear them long after their hearts have ceased to mourn* Where there is profound grief, no rules are needed, but where the sorrow is not so great, there is need of observance of fixed periods for wearing mourning. Deep mourning requires the heaviest black of serge, bombazine, lustreless alpaca, delaine, merino or similar heavily clinging material, with collar and cuffs of crape. Mourning garments should have little or no trimming; no flounces, ruffles or bows are allowable. If the dress is not made en stiite, then a long or square shawl of barege or cashmere with crape border is worn. The bonnet is of black crape; a hat is inadmissible. The veil is of crape or barege with heavy border; black gloves and black-bordered handkerchief. In winter dark furs may be worn with the deepest mourning. Jewelry is strictly forbidden, and all pins, buckles, etc., must be of jet. Lustreless alpaca and black silk trimmed with crape may be worn in second mourning, with white collars and cuffs. The crape veil is laid aside for net or tulle, but the jet jewelry is still retained. A still less degree of mourning is indicated by black and white, purple and gray, or a combination of these colors, 22 338 DRESS. Crape is still retained in bonnet trimming, and crape flowers may be added. Light gray, white and black, and light shades of lilac, indicate a slight mourning. Black lace bonnet, with white or violet flowers, super- cedes crape, and jet and gold jewelry is worn. PERIODS OF WEARING MOURNING. The following rules have been given by an authority competent to speak on these matters regarding the de- gree of mourning and the length of time it should be worn: "The deepest mourning is that worn by a widow for her husband. It is worn two years, sometimes longer. Widow's mourning for the first year consists of solid black woolen goods, collar and cuffs of folded untrim- med crape, a simple crape bonnet, and a long, thick, black crape veil. The second year, silk trimmed with crape, black lace collar and cuffs, and a shorter veil may be worn, and in the last six mouths gray, violet and white are permitted. A widow should wear the hair perfectly plain if she does not wear a cap, and should always wear a bonnet, never a hat. " The mourning for a father or mother is worn for one year. The first six months the proper dress is of solid black woolen goods trimmed with crape, black crape bonnet with black crape facings and black strings, black crape veil, collar and cuffs of black crape. Three months, black silk with crape trimming, white or black lace collar and cuffs, veil of tulle and white bonnet- facings; and the last three months in gray, purple and DRESS. 339 1 violet. Mourning worn for a child is the same as that worn for a parent. " Mourning for a grandparent is worn f ov six months, three months black woolen goods, white collar and cuffs, short crape veil and bonnet of crape trimmed with black silk or ribbon; six weeks in black silk trimmed with crape, lace collar and cuffs, short tulle veil ; and six weeks in gray, purple, white and violet. " Mourning worn for a friend who leaves you an in- heritance, is the same as that worn for a grandparent. " Mourning for a brother or sister is worn six months, two months in solid black trimmed with crape, white linen collar and cuffs, bonnet of black with white facing and black strings; two months in black silk, with white lace collar and cuffs; and two months in gray, purple, white and violet. "Mourning for an uncle or aunt is worn for three months, and is the second mourning named above, tulle, white linen and white bonnet facings being worn at once. For a nephew or niece, the same is worn for the same length of time. "The deepest mourning excludes kid gloves; they should be of cloth, silk or thread; and no jewelry is per- mitted during the first month of close mourning. Em- broidery, jet trimmings, puffs, plaits in fact, trimming of any kind is forbidden in deep mourning, but worn when it is lightened. "Mourning handkerchiefs should be of very sheer fine linen, with a border of black, very wide for close mourning, narrower as the black is lightened. 340 DRESS. "Mourning silks should be perfectly lusterless, and the ribbons worn without any gloss. " Ladies invited to funeral ceremonies should always wear a black dress, even if they are not in mourning; and it is bad taste to appear with a gay bonnet or shawl, as if for a festive occasion. "The mourning for children under twelve years of age is white in summer and gray in winter, with black trimmings, belt, sleeve ruffles and bonnet ribbons." CHAPTER XXXI. in HE selection and proper arrangement of colors, so that they will produce the most pleasant harmony, is one of the most desirable requisites in dress. Sir Joshua Reynolds says: " Color is the last attainment of ex- cellence in every school of painting." The same may also be 'said in regard to the art of using colors in dress. Never- theless, it is the first thing to which we should give our attention and study. We put bright colors upon our little child- ren; we dress our young girls in light and del- icate shades; the blooming matron is justified in adopting the warm, rich hues which we see in the autumn leaf, while black and neutral tints are declared appropriate to the old. One color should predominate in the dress; and if an- other is adopted, it should be in a limited quantity aad only by way of contrast or harmony. Some colors may never, under any circumstances, be worn together, be- cause they produce positive discord to the eye. If the (341) 34:2 HAKMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. dress be blue, red should never be introduced by way of trimming, or vice versa. Red and blue, red and yellow, blue and yellow, and scarlet and crimson may never be united in the same costume. If the dress be red, green may be introduced in a minute quantity; if blue, orange; if green, crimson. Scarlet and solf erino are deadly ene- mies, each killing the other whenever they meet. Two contrasting colors, such as red and green, may not be used in equal quantities in the dress, as they are both so positive in tone that they divide and distract the attention. When two colors are worn in any quan- tity, one must approach a neutral tint, such as gray or drab. Black may be worn with any color, though it looks best with the lighter shades of the different colors. White may also be worn with any color, though it looks best with the darker tones. Thus white and crimson, black and pink, each contrast better and have a richer effect than though the black were united with the crim- son and the white with the pink. Drab, being a shade of no color between black and white, may be worn with equal effect with all. A person of very fair, delicate complexion, should always wear the most delicate of tints, such as light blue, mauve and pea-green. A brunette requires bright colors, such as scarlet and orange, to bring out the bril- liant tints in her complexion. A florid face and auburn hair call for blue. Black hair has its color and depth enhanced by scar- let, orange or white, and will bear diamonds, pearls or lustreless gold. HARMONY OF COLORS IN DEESS. 343 Dark brown hair will bear light blue, or dark blue in a lesser quantity. If the hair has no richness of coloring, a pale yellow- ish green will by reflection produce the lacking warm tint. Light brown hair requires blue, which sets off to ad- vantage the golden tint. Pure golden or yellow hair needs blue, and its beauty is also increased by the addition of pearls or white flowers. Auburn hair, if verging on the red, needs scarlet to tone it down. If of a golden red, blue, green, purple or black will bring out the richness of its tints. Flaxen hair requires blue. MATERIAL FOR DRESS. The material for dress must be selected with reference to the purpose which it is to serve. No one buys a yel- low satin dress for the promenade, yet a yellow satin seen by gaslight is beautiful, as an evening-dress. Neither would one buy a heavy serge of neutral tint for an opera-dress. SIZE IN RELATION TO DRESS AND COLORS. A small person may dress in light colors which would be simply ridiculous on a person of larger proportions. So a lady of majestic appearance should never wear white, but will be seen to the best advantage in black or dark tints. A lady of diminutive stature is dressed in bad taste when she appears in a garment with large 344 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. figures, plaids or stripes. Neither should a lady of large proportions be seen in similar garments, because, united with her size, they give her a " loud " appearance. In- deed, pronounced figures and broad stripes and plaida are never in perfect taste. Heavy, rich materials suit a tall figure, while light, full draperies should only be worn by those of slender proportions and not too short. The very short and. stout must be content with meagre drapery and quiet colors. Tall and slim persons should avoid stripes; short, chunky ones, flounces, or any horizontal trimming of the dress which, by breaking the outline from the. waist to the feet, produces an effect of shortening. HOW COLORS HARMONIZE. Colors may form a harmony either by contrast or by analogy. When two remote shades of one color are associated, such as very light blue and a very dark blue, they harmonize by contrast, though the harmony may be neither striking nor perfect. When two colors which are similar to each other are grouped, such as orange and scarlet, crimson and orange, they harmonize by analogy. A harmony of contrast is characterized by brilliancy and decision, and a harmony of analogy by a quiet and pleasing association of colors. When a color is chosen which is favorable to the com- plexion, it is well to associate with it the tints which will harmonize by analogy, as to use contrasting colors would diminish its favorable effect. When a color is HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 345. used in. dress, not suitable to the complexion, it should be associated with contrasting colors, as they have the power to neutralize its objectionable influence. Colors of similar power which contrast with each. other, mutually intensify each other's brilliancy, as blue and orange, scarlet and green; but dark and light colors associated do not intensify each other to the same de- gree, the dark appearing darker and the light appearing "346 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. lighter, as dark blue and straw color. Colors which harmonize with each other by analogy, reduce each other's brilliancy to a greater or less degree, as white and yellow, blue and purple, black and brown. The various shades of purple and lilac, dark blues and dark greens, lose much of their brilliancy by gas- light, while orange, scarlet, crimson, the light browns and light greens, gain brilliancy by a strong artificial light. Below the reader will find a list of colors that har- monize, forming most agreeable combinations, in which are included all the latest and most fashionable shades and colors: Black and pink. Black and lilac. Black and scarlet. Black and maize. Black and slate color. Black and orange, a rich harmony. Black and white, a perfect harmony. Bladk and brown, a dull harmony. Black and drab or buff. Blaqk, white or yellow and crimson. Black, orange, blue and scarlet. Black and chocolate brown. Black and shaded cardinal. Black and cardinal. Black, yellow, bronze and light blue. Black, cardinal, blue and old gold. Blue and brown. Blue and black. Blue and gold, a rich harmony. Blue and orange, a perfect harmony. Blue and chestnut (or chocolate). Blue and maize. HABMONY OF COLOKS IX DlIESS. 347 Blue and straw color. Blue and white. Blue and fawn color, weak harmony. Blue and stone color. Blue and drab. Blue and lilac, weak harmony. Blue and crimson, imperfectly. Blue and pink, poor harmony. Blue and salmon color. Blue, scarlet and purple (or lilac). Blue, orange and black. Blue, orange and green. Blue, brown, crimson and gold (or yellow). Blue, orange, black and white. Blue, pink and bronze green. Blue, cardinal and old gold. Blue, yellow, chocolate-brown and gold. Blue, mulberry and yellow. Bronze and old gold. Bronze, pink and light blue. Bronze, black, blue, pink and gold. Bronze, cardinal and peacock blue. Brown, blue, green, cardinal and yellow. Brown, yellow, cardinal and peacock blue. Crimson and gold, rich harmony. Oimson and orange, rich harmony. Crimson and brown, dull harmony. Crimson and black, dull harmony. Crimson and drab. Crimson and maize. Crimson and purple. Cardinal and old gold. Cardinal, brown and black. Cardinal and navy blue. Chocolate, blue, pink and gold. Claret and old gold. Dark green, white and cardinal. Ecrue, bronze and peacock. Ecrue and light blue. 348 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. Garnet, bronze and pink. Gensd'arme and cardinal. Gensd'arme and bronze. Gensd'arme and myrtle. Gensd'ai'me and old gold. Gensd'arme, yellow and cardinal. Gensd'arme, pink, cardinal and lavender Green and gold, or gold color. Green and scarlet. Green and orange. Green and yellow. Green, crimson, blue and gold s or yellow. Green, blue and scarlet. Green, gold and mulberry Green and cardinal. Lilac and white, poor. Lilac and gray, poor. Lilac and maize. Lilac and cherry. Lilac and gold, or gold color. Lilac and scarlet. Lilac and crimson. Lilac, scarlet and white or black. Lilac, gold color and crimson. Lilac, yellow or gold, scarlet and white. Light pink and garnet. Light drab, pine, yellow and white. Myrtle and old gold. Myrtle and bronze. Myrtle, red, blue and yellow. Myrtle, mulberry, cardinal, gold and light green Mulberry and old gold. Mulberry and gold. Mulberry and bronze. Mulberry, bronze and gold, Mulberry and pearl. Mode, pearl and mulberry. Maroon, yellow, silvery gray and light greeiu Navy blue, light blue and gold. HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 349 blue, gensd'anne and pearl. Navy blue, maize, cardinal and yellow. Orange and bronze, agreeable. Orange and chestnut. Orange, lilac and crimson. Orange, red and green. Orange, purple and scarlet. Orange, blue, scarlet and purple. Orange, blue, scarlet and claret. Orange, blue, scarlet, white and green. Orange, blue and crimson. Pearl, light blue and peacock blue. Peacock blue and light gold. Peacock blue and old gold. Peacock blue and cardinal. Peacock blue, pearl, gold and cardinal. Purple and maize. Purple and blue. Purple and gold, or gold color, rich. Purple and orange, rich. Purple and black, heavy. Purple and white, cold. Purple, scarlet and gold color. Purple, scarlet and white. Purple, scarlet, blue and orange. Purple, scarlet, blue, yellow and black. Red and white, or gray. Red and gold, or gold color. Red, orange and green. Red, yellow or gold color and black. Red, gold color, black and white. Seal brown, gold and cardinal Sapphire and bronze. Sapphire and old gold. Sapphire and cardinal. Sapphire and light blue. Sapphire and light pink. Sapphire and corn. Sapphire and garnet. 350 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. Sapphire and mulberry. Shaded blue and black. Scarlet and blue. Scarlet and slate color. Scarlet and orange. Scarlet, blue and white. Scarlet, blue and yellow. Scarlet, black and white. Scarlet, blue, black and yellow. Shaded blue, shaded garnet and shaded gold. Shaded blue and black. White and cherry. White and crimson. White and brown. White and pink. White and scarlet. White and gold color, poor. Yellow and black. Yellow and brown. Yellow, and red. Yellow and chestnut or chocolate. Yellow and white, poor. Yellow and purple, agreeable. Yellow and violet. Yellow and lilac, weak. Yellow and blue, cold. Yellow and crimson. Yellow, purple and crimson. Yellow, purple, scarlet and blue. Yellow, cardinal and peacock blue. Yellow, pink, maroon and light blue. CHAPTER XXXII. appear at all times neat, clean and tidy, is demanded of every well-bred person. The dress may be plain r rich or extravagant, but there must be a neatness and cleanliness of the person. Whether a lady is pos- sessed of few or many personal at- tractions, it is her duty at all times to< appear tidy and clean, and to make her- self as comely and attractive as circum- stances and surroundings will permit. The same may be said of a gentleman. If a. gentleman calls upon a lady, his duty and his- respect for her demand that he shall appear not only in good clothes, but with well combed hair, exqui- sitely clean hands, well trimmed beard or cleanly shaven face, while the lady will not show herself in an untidy dress, or disheveled hair. They should appear at their best. Upon the minor details of the toilet depend, in a great degree, the health, not to say the beauty, of the individual. In fact the highest state of health is equiv (351) THE TOILET, alent to the highest degree of beauty of which the individual is capable, PERFUMES. Perfumes, if used at all, should be used in the strict- est moderation, and be of the most recherche kind. Musk and patchouli should always be avoided, as, to many people of sensitive temperament, their odor is exceedingly disagreeable. Cologne water of the best quality is never offensive. THE BATH. Cleanliness is the outward sign of inward purity. Cleanliness of the person is health, and health is beauty. The bath is consequently a very important means of preserving the health and enhancing the beauty. It is not to be supposed that we bathe simply to become clean, but because we wish to remain clean. Cold water refreshes and invigorates, but does not cleanse, and persons who daily use a sponge bath in the morn- ing, should frequently use a warm one, of from ninety- six to one hundred degrees Fahrenheit for cleansing pur- poses. When a plunge bath is taken, the safest tem- perature is from eighty to ninety degrees, which answers the purposes of both cleansing and refresh- ing. Soap should be plentifully used, and the flesh- brush applied vigorously, drying with a coarse Turk- ish towel. Nothing improves the complexion like the daily use of the fleshbrush, with early rising and exer- .cise in the open air. THE TOILET. 353 In many houses, in large cities, there is a separate "bath-room, with hot and cold water, but in smaller places and country houses this convenience is not to be found. A substitute for the bath-room is a large piece of oil-cloth, which can be laid upon the floor of an ordinary dressing-room. Upon this may be placed the bath tub or basin, or a person may use it to stand upon while taking a sponge bath. The various kinds of baths, both hot and cold, are the shower bath, the douche, the hip bath and the sponge bath. The shower bath can only be endured by the most vigorous constitutions, and therefore cannot be recom- mended for indiscriminate use. A douche or hip bath may be taken every morning, with the temperature of the water suited to the endur- ance of the individual. In summer a sponge bath may be taken upon retiring. Once a week a warm bath, at from ninety to one hundred degrees, may be taken, with plenty of soap, in order to thoroughly cleanse the pores of the skin. Rough towels should be vigorously used after these baths, not only to remove the impuri- ties of the skin but for the beneficial friction which will send a glow over the whole body. The hair glove or flesh brush may be used to advantage in the bath before the towel is applied. THE TEETH. The teeth should be carefully brushed with a hard brush after each meal, and also on retiring at night. Use the brush so that not only the outside of the teeth 354: THE TOILETo becomes white, but the inside also. After the brush is used plunge it two or three times into a glass of water, then rub it quite dry on a towel. Use tooth- washes or powders very sparingly. Castile soap used once a day, with frequent brushings with pure water and a brush, cannot fail to keep the teeth clean and white, unless they are disfigured and destroyed by other bad habits, such as the use of tobacco, or too hot or too cold drinks. DECAYED TEETH. On the slightest appearance of decay or tendency to accumulate tartar, go at once to the dentist. If a dark spot appearing under the enamel is neglected, it will eat in until the tooth is eventually destroyed. A dentist seeing the tooth in its first stage, will remove the de- cayed part and plug the cavity in a proper manner. TARTAR ON THE TEETH. Tartar is not so easily dealt with, but it requires equally early attention. It results from an impaired state of the general health, and assumes the form of a yellowish concretion on the teeth and gums. At first it is possible to keep it down by a repeated and vigorous use of the tooth brush; but if a firm, solid mass accum- ulates, it is necessary to have it chipped off by a dentist. Unfortunately, too, by that time it will probably have begun to loosen and destroy the teeth on which it fixes, and is pretty certain to have produced one obnoxious effect that of tainting the breath. Washing the teeth THE TOILET. 355 with vinegar when the brush is used has been recom- mended as a means of removing tartar. Tenderness of the gums, to which some persons are subject, may sometimes be met by the use of salt and water, but it is well to rinse the mouth frequently with water with a few drops of tincture of myrrh in it. FOUL BREATH. Foul breath, unless caused by neglected teeth, indi- cates a deranged state of the system. When it is occa- sioned by the teeth or other local case, use a gargle con- sisting of a spoonful of solution of chloride of lime in half a tumbler of water. Gentlemen smoking, and thus tainting the breath, may be glad to know that the com- mon parsley has a peculiar effect in removing the odor of tobacco. THE SKIN". Beauty and health of the skin can only be obtained by perfect cleanliness of the entire person, an avoidance of all cosmetics, added to proper diet, correct habits and early habits of rising and exercise. The skin must be thoroughly washed, occasionally with warm water and soap, to remove the oily exudations on its surface. If any unpleasant sensations are experienced after the use of soap, they may be immediately removed by rinsing the surface with water to which a little lemon juice or vinegar has been added. 366 THE TOILET. PRESERVING A YOUTHFUL COMPLEXION. The following rules may be given for the preservation of a youthful complexion- Rise early and go to bed early. Take plenty of exercise. Use plenty of cold water and good soap frequently. Be moderate in eating and drinking. Do not lace. Avoid as much as possible the vitiated atmosphere of crowded assemblies. Shun cosmetics and washes for the skin. The latter dry the skin, and only defeat the end they are supposed to have in view. MOLES. Moles are frequently a great disfigurement to the face, but they should not be tampered with in any way. The only safe and certain mode of getting rid of moles is by a surgical operation, FRECKLES. Freckles are of two kinds. Those occasioned by ex- posure to the sunshine, and consequently evanescent, are denominated " summer freckles ;" those which are constitutional and permanent are called " cold freckles." With regard to the latter, it is impossible to give any advice which will be of value. They result from causes not to be affected by mere external applications. Sum- mer freckles are not so difficult to deal with, and with a little care the skin may be kept free from this cause of disfigurement. Some skins are so delicate that they become freckled on the slightest exposure to open air in summer. The cause assigned for this is that the iron THE TOILET. in the blood, forming a junction with the oxygen, leaves a rusty mark where the junction takes place. We give in their appropriate places some recipes for removing these latter freckles from the face. OTHER DISCOLORATIONS. There are various other discolorations of the skin, proceeding frequently from derangement of the system. The cause should always be discovered before attempt- ing a remedy; otherwise you may aggravate the com plaint rather than cure it. THE EYES. Beautiful eyes are the gift of Nature, and can owe little to the toilet. As in the eye consists much of the expression of the face, therefore it should be borne in mind that those who would have their eyes bear a pleas- ing expression must cultivate pleasing traits of charac- ter and beautify the soul, and then this beautiful soul will look through its natural windows. Never tamper with the eyes. There is danger of destroying them. All daubing or dyeing of the lids is foolish and vulgar. SHORT-SIGHTEDNESS. Short-sightedness is not always a natural defect, it may be acquired by bad habits in youth. A short- sighted person should supply himself with glasses ex- actly adapted to his wants; but it is well not to use these glasses too constantly, as, even when they per- 358 THE TOILET fectly fit the eye, they really tend to shorten the sight. Unless one is very short-sighted, it is best to keep the glasses for occasional use, and trust ordinarily to the unaided eye. Parents and teachers should watch their children and see that they do not acquire the habit of holding their books too close to their eyes, and thus injure their sight. SQUINT-EYES AND CROSS-EYES. Parents should also be careful that their children do not become squint or cross-eyed through any careless- ness. A child's hair hanging down loosely over its eyes, or a bonnet projecting too far over them, or a loose rib- bon or tape fluttering over the forehead, is sometimes sufficient to direct the sight irregularly until it becomes permanently crossed. THB EYELASHES AND EYEBROWS. A beautiful eyelash is an important adjunct to the eye. The lashes may be lengthened by trimming them occasionally in childhood. Care should be taken that this trimming is done neatly and evenly, and especially that the points of the scissors do not penetrate the eye. The eyebrows may be brushed carefully in the direction in which they should lie. In general, it is in exceeding bad taste to dye either lashes or brows, for it usually brings them into disharmony with the hair and features. There are cases, however, when the beauty of an other- wise fine countenance is utterly ruined by white lashes and brows. In such cases one can hardly be blamed if THE TOILET. 359 India ink is resorted to to give them the desired color. Never shave the brows. It adds to their beauty in no way, and may result in an irregular growth of new hair. TAKE CARE OF THE EYES. The utmost care should be taken of the eyes. They should never be strained in an imperfect light, whether that of shrouded daylight, twilight or flickering lamp or candle-light. Many persons have an idea that an habitually dark room is best for the eyes. On the con- trary, it weakens them and renders them permanently unable to bear the light of the sun. Our eyes were naturally designed to endure the broad light of day, and the nearer we approach to this in our houses, the stronger will be our eyes and the longer will we retain our sight. EYEBROWS MEETING. Some persons have the eyebrows meeting over the nose. This is usually considered a disfigurement, but there is no remedy for it. It may be a consolation for such people to know that the ancients admired this style of eyebrows, and that Michael Angelo possessed it. It is useless to pluck out the uniting hairs; and if a depil- atory is applied, a mark like that of a scar left from a burn remains, and is more disfiguring than the hair. INFLAMED EYES. If the lids of the eyes become inflamed and scaly, do not seek to remove the scales roughly, for they will 360 THE TOILET. bring the lashes with them. Apply at, night a little cold cream to the edges of the closed eyelids, and wash them in the morning with lukewarm milk and water. It is well to have on the toilet-table a remedy for inflamed eyes. Spermaceti ointment is simple and well adapted to this purpose. Apply at night, and wash off with rose-water in the morning. There is a simple lotion made by dissolving a very small piece of alum and a piece of lump-sugar of the same size in a quart of water; put the ingredients into the water cold and let them simmer. Bathe the eyes frequently with ik THE STY. A sty in the eye is irritating and disfiguring. Bathe with warm water; at night apply a bread-and-milk poul- tice. When a white head forms, prick it with a fine needle. Should the inflammation be obstinate, a little citrine ointment may be applied, care being taken that it does not get into the eye. THE HAIR. There is nothing that so adds to the charm of an indi- vidual, especially a lady, as a good head of hair. The ikin of the head requires even more tenderness and cleanliness than any other portion of the body, and is capable of being irritated by disease. The hair should be brushed carefully. The brush should be of moderate hardness, not too hard. The hair should be separated, in order that the head itself may be well brushed, as by doing so the scurf is removed, and that is most essential, THE TOILET. 861 as it is not only unpleasant and unsightly, but if suffered to remain it becomes saturated with perspiration, and tends to weaken the roots of the hair, so that it is easily pulled out. In brushing or combing, begin at the ex- treme points, and in combing, hold the portion of hair just above that through which the comb is passing, firmly between the first and second fingers, so that if it is entangled it may drag from that point, and not from the roots. The finest head of hair may be spoiled by the practice of plunging the comb into it high up and dragging it in a reckless manner; Short, loose, broken hairs are thus created, and become very troublesome. THE USE OF HAIR OILS. Do not plaster the hair with oil or pomatum. A white, concrete oil pertains naturally to the covering of the human head, but some persons have it in more abundance than others. Those whose hair is glossy and shining need nothing to render it so; but when the hai' is harsh, poor and dry, artificial lubrication is necessary. Persons who perspire freely, or who accumulate scurf rapidly, require it also. Nothing is simpler or better in the way of oil than pure, unscented salad oil, and in the way of a pomatum, bear's grease is as pleasant as any- thing. Apply either with the hands, or keep a soft brush for the purpose, but take care not to use the oil too freely. An overoiled head of hair is vulgar and offensive. So are scents of any kind in the oil applied to the hair. It is well also to keep a piece of flannel with which to rub the hair at night after brushing it, in 362 THE TOILET. order to remove the oil before laying the head upon the pillow. Vinegar and water form a good wash for the roots of the hair. Ammonia diluted in water is still better. The hair-brush should be frequently washed in diluted ammonia. For removing scurf, glycerine, diluted with a little rose-water, will be found of service. Any preparation of rosemary forms an agreeable and highly cleansing wash. The yolk of an egg beaten up in warm water is an excellent application to the scalp. Many heads of hair require nothing more in the way of wash than soap and water. Beware of letting the hair grow too long, as the points are apt to weaken and split. It is well to have the ends clipped off once a month. Young girls should wear their hair cut short until they are grown up, if they would have it then in its best condition. DYEING THE HAIR. A serious objection to dyeing the hair is that it is almost impossible to give the hair a tint which harmon- izes with the complexion. If the hair begins to change early, and the color goes in patches, procure from the druggist's a preparation of the husk of the walnut water of eau crayon. This will, by daily application, darken the tint of the hair without actually dyeing it. When the change of color has gone on to any great extent, it is better to abandon the application and put up with the change, which, in nine cases out of ten, will be in ac- cordance with the change of the face. Indeed, there is THE TOILET. 363* nothing more beautiful than soft, white hair worn in bands or clustering curls about the face. The walnut water may be used for toning down too red hair. BALDNESS. Gentlemen are more liable to baldness than ladies, owing, no doubt, to the use of the close hat, which con- fines and overheats the head. If the hair is found to be falling out, the first thing to do is to look to the hat and see that it is light and thoroughly ventilated. There is no greater enemy to the hair than the silk dress-hat. It is best to lay this hat aside altogether and adopt a light felt or straw in its place. Long, flowing hair on a man is not in good taste, and will indicate him to the observer as a person of unbal- anced mind and unpleasantly erratic character a man, in brief, who seeks to impress others with the fact that he is eccentric, something which a really eccentric person never attempts. THE BEARD. Those who shave should be careful to do so every morning. Nothing looks worse than a shabby beard. Some persons whose beards are strong should shave twice a day, especially if they are going to a party in the evening. The style of the growth of the beard should be gov- erned by the character of the face. But whatever the style be, the great point is to keep it well brushed and trimmed, and to avoid any appearance of wildness or inattention. The full, flowing beard of course requires 364 THE TOILBT. more looking after in the way of cleanliness, than any other. It should be thoroughly washed and brushed at least twice a day, as dust is sure to accumulate in it, and it is very easy to suffer it to become objectionable to one's self as well as to others. If it is naturally glossy, it is better to avoid the use of oil or pomatum. The moustache should be worn neatly and not over- large. There is nothing that so adds to native manli- ness as the full beard if carefully and neatly kept. THE HAND. The beautiful hand is long and slender, with tapering fingers and pink, filbert-shaped nails. The hand to be in proper proportion to the rest of the body, should be as long as from the point of the chin to the edge of the hair on the forehead. The hands should be kept scrupulously clean, and therefore should be very frequently washed not merely rinsed in soap and water, but thoroughly lathered, and scrubbed with a soft nail-brush. In' cold weather the use of lukewarm water is unobjectionable, after which the hands should be dipped into cold water and very carefully dried on a fine towel. Be careful always to dry the hands thoroughly, and rub them briskly for some time afterward. When this is not sufficiently attended to in cold weather, the hands chap and crack. When this occurs, rub a few drops of honey over them when dry, or anoint them with cold oream or glycerine before going to bed. THE TOILET. 365 CHAPPED HANDS. As cold weather is the usual cause of chapped hands, BO the winter season brings with it a cure for them. A thorough washing in snow and soap will cure the worst case of chapped hands, and leave them beautifully soft TO MAKE THE HANDS WHITE AND DILICATE. Should you wish to make your hands white and deli- cate, you might wash them in milk and water for a day or two. On retiring to rest, rub them well over with some palm oil and put on a pair of woolen gloves. The hands should be thoroughly washed with hot water and soap the next morning, and a pair of soft leather gloves worn during the day. They should be frequently rub- bed together to promote circulation. Sunburnt hands may be washed in lime-water or lemon- juice. TREATMENT OF WABTS. Warts, which are more common with young people than with adults, are very unsightly, and are sometimes very difficult to get rid of. The best plan is to buy a stick of lunar caustic, which is sold in a holder and case at the druggist's for the purpose, dip it in water, and touch the wart every morning and evening, care being taken to cut away the withered skin before repeating the operation. A still better plan is to apply acetic acid gently once a day with a camel's hair pencil to the summit of the wart. Care should be taken not to allow this acid to touch any of the surrounding skin; to pre- 366 THE TOILET. vent this the finger or hand at the base of the wart may be covered with wax during the operation. THE NAILS. Nothing is so repulsive as to see a lady or gentleman, however well dressed they may otherwise be, with un- clean nails. It always results from carelessness and in- attention to the minor details of the toilet, which is most reprehensible. The nails should be cut about once a week certainly not oftener. This should be accom- plished just after washing, the nail being softer at such a time. Care should be taken not to cut them too short, though, if they are left too long, they will frequently get torn and broken. They should be nicely rounded at the corners. Recollect the filbert-shaped nail is con- sidered the most beautiful. Never bite the nails; it not only is a most disagreeable habit, but tends to make the nails jagged, deformed and difficult to clean, besides gives a red and stumpy appearance to the finger-tips. Some persons are troubled by the cuticle adhering to the nail as it grows. This may be pressed down by the towel after washing; or should that not prove effica- cious, it must be loosened round the edge with some blunt instrument. On no account scrape the nails with a view to polishing their surface. Such an operation only tends to make them wrinkled. Absolute smallness of hand is not essential to beauty, which requires that the proper proportions should be observed in the human figure. With proper care the hand may be retained beautiful, soft and shapely, and THE TOILET. 367 yet perform its fair share of labor. The hands should always be protected by gloves when engaged in work calculated to injure them. Gloves are imperatively required for garden-work. The hands should always be washed carefully and dried thoroughly after such labor. If they are roughened by soap, rinse them in a little vinegar or lemon-juice, and they will become soft and smooth at once. REMEDY FOR MOIST HANDS. People afflicted with moist hands should revolutionize their habits, take more out-door exercise and more fre- quent baths. They should adopt a nutritious but not over-stimulating diet, and perhaps take a tonic of some sort. Local applications of starch-powder and the juice of lemon may be used to advantage. THE FEET. A well formed foot is broad at the sole, the toes well spread, each separate toe perfect and rounded in form. The nails are regular and perfect in shape as those of the fingers. The second toe projects a little beyond the others, and the first, or big toe, stands slightly apart from the rest and is slightly lifted. The feet, from the circumstance of their being so much confined by boots and shoes, require more care in washing than the rest of the body. Yet they do not always get this care. The hands receive frequent washings every day. Once a week is quite as often as many people can bestow the same attention upon their feet. A tepid bath at about 368 THE TOILET. 80 or 90 degrees, should be used. The feet may remain in the water about five minutes, and the instant they are taken out they should be rapidly and thoroughly dried by being well rubbed with a coarse towel. Some- times bran is used in the water. Few things are more invigorating and refreshing after a long walk, or getting wet in the feet, than a tepid foot-bath, clean stockings and a pair of easy shoes. After the bath is the time for pairing the toe-nails, as they are so much softer and more pliant after having been immersed in warm water. TREATMENT FOE MOIST OB DAMP FEET. Some persons are troubled with moist or damp feet. This complaint arises more particularly during the hot weather in summer-time, and the greatest care and cleanliness should be exercised in respect to it. Persons so afflicted should wash their feet twice a day in soap and warm water, after which they should put on clean socks. Should this fail to cure, they may, after being washed as above, be rinsed, and then thoroughly rubbed with a mixture consisting of half a pint of warm water and three tablespoonfuls of concentrated solution of chloride of soda. BLISTERS ON THE FEET. People who walk much are frequently afflicted with blisters. The best preventative of these is to have easy, well-fitting boots and woolen socks.. Should blisters occur, a very good plan is to pass a large darning-needle threaded with worsted through the blister lengthwise, THE TOILET. 369 leaving an inch or so of the thread outside at each end. This keeps the scurf -skin close to the true skin, and pre- vents any grit or dirt entering. The thread absorbs the matter, and the old skin remains until the new one grows. A blister should not be punctured save in this manner, as it may degenerate into a sore and become very troublesome, CHILBLAINS. To avoid chilblains on the feet it is necessary to ob- serve three rules: 1. Avoid getting the feet wet; if they become so, change the shoes and stockings at once. 2. Wear lamb's wool socks or stockings. 3. Never under any circumstances " toast your toes " before the fire, especially if you are very cold. Frequent bathing of the feet in a strong solution of alum is useful in pre- venting the coming of chilblains. On the first indica- tion of any redness of the toes and sensation of itching it would be well to rub them carefully with warm spirits of rosemary, to which a little turpentine has been added. Then a piece of lint soaked in camphorated spirits, opodeldoc or camphor liniment may be applied and retained on the part. Should the chilblain break, dress it twice daily with a plaster of equal parts of lard and beeswax, with half the quantity in weight of oil of turpentine. THE TOE NAILS. The toe-nails do not grow so fast as the finger-nails, but they should be looked after and trimmed at least once a fortnight. They are much more subject to irregularity of growth than the finger-nails, owing to 84 370 THE TOILET. their confined position. If the nails show a tendency to grow in at the sides, the feet should be bathed in hot water, pieces of lint introduced beneath the parts with an inward tendency, and the nail itself scraped longi- tudinally. Pare the toe-nails squarer than those of the fingers. Keep them a moderate length long enough to protect the toe, but not so long as to cut holes in the stockings. Always cut the nails; never tear them, as is too fre- quently the practice. Be careful not to destroy the spongy substance below the nails, as that is the great guard to prevent them going into the quick. CORNS. It is tolerably safe to say that those who wear loose, easy-fitting shoes and boots will never be troubled with corns. Some people are more liable to corns than others, and some will persist in the use of tightly-fitting shoes in spite of corns. HOW TO HAVE SHOES MADE. The great fault with modern shoes is that their soles are made too narrow. If one would secure perfect health- fulness of the feet, he should go to the shoemaker and step with his stockinged feet on a sheet of paper. Let the shoemaker mark with a pencil upon the paper the exact size of his foot, and then make him a shoe whose sole shall be as broad as this outlined foot. Still more destructive of the beauty and symmetry of our women's feet have been the high, narrow heels so THE TOILET. 371 worn lately. They make it difficult to walk, and even in some cases permanently cripple the feet. A shoe, to be comfortable, should have a broad sole and a heel of moderate height, say one-half an inch, as broad at the bottom as at the top. CHAPTER XXXIII Collet TO REMOVE FRECKLES. RUISE and squeeze the juice out of common chick-weed, and to this juice add three times its quantity of soft water. Bathe the skin with this for five or ten minutes morning and even- ing, and wash afterwards with clean water. Elder flowers treated and applied ex- actly in the same manner as above. When the flowers are not to be had, the distilled water from them, which may be procured from any druggist, will answer the purpose. A good freckle lotion is made of honey, one ounce, mixed with one pint of luke-warm water. Apply when cold. Carbonate of potassa, twenty grains; milk of almonds, three ounces; oil of sassafras, three drops. Mix and apply two or three times a day. One ounce of alcohol; half a dram salts tartar; one dram oil bitter almonds. Let stand for one day and apply every second day. (373) TOILET RECIPES. 373 FOB PIMPLES ON THE FACE. Wash the face in a solution composed of one teaspoon- ful of carbolic acid to a pint of water. This is an ex- cellent purifying lotion, and may be used on the most delicate skin. Be careful not to get any of it in the eyes as it will weaken them. One tablespoonf ul of borax to half a pint of water is an excellent remedy for cutaneous eruptions, canker, ringworm, etc. Pulverize a piece of alum the size of a walnut, dissolve it in one ounce of lemon juice, and add one ounce of alcohol. Apply once or twice a day. Mix two ounces of rose-water with one dram of sul- phate of zinc. Wet the face gently and let it dry. Then touch the affected part with cream. WASH FOR THE COMPLEXION. A teaspoonf ul of the flour of sulphur and a wine-glass- ful of lime-water, well shaken and mixed; half a wine- glass of glycerine and a wine-glass of rose water. Rub it on the face every night before going to bed. Shake well before using. Another prescription, used by hunters to keep away the bla,ck flies and mosquitoes, is said to leave the skin very clear and fair, and is as follows: Mix one spoon- ful of the best tar in a pint of pure olive oil or almond oil, by heating the two together in a tin cup set in boil- ing water. Stir till completely mixed and smooth, put- ting in more oil if the compound is too thick to run 374 TOILET RECIPES. easily. Rub this on the face when going to bed, and lay patches of soft cloth on the cheeks and forehead to keep the tar from rubbing off. The bed linen must be protected by cloth folded and thrown over the pillows. The whites of four eggs boiled in rose-water; half an ounce of alum; halt an ounce of sweet almonds; beat the whole together until it assumes the consistency of paste. Spread upon a silk or muslin mask, to be worn at night. Take a small piece of the gum benzoin and boil it in spirits of wine till it becomes a rich tincture. In using it pour fifteen drops into a glass of water, wash the face and hands and allow it to dry. BORACIC ACID FOR SKIN DISEASES. Boracic acid has been used with great success as an external application in the treatment of vegetable para- sitic diseases of the skin. A solution of a dram of the acid to an ounce of water, or as much of the acid as the water will take up, is found to meet the requirements of the case satisfactorily. The affected parts should be well bathed in the solution twice a day and well rubbed. TO SOFTEN THE SKIN. Mix half an ounce of glycerine with half an ounce of alcohol, and add four ounces of rose-water. Shake well together and it is ready for use. This is a splendid remedy for chapped hands TOILET RECIPES. 375 REMEDY FOR RINGWORM. Apply a solution of the root of common narrow- leafed dock, which belongs to the botanical genus of Mumex. Use vinegar for the solvent. Dissolve a piece of sulphate of potash, the size of a walnut, in one ounce of water. Apply night and morn- ing for a couple of days, and it will disappear. TO REMOVE SUNBURN. Take two drams of borax, one dram of alum, one Jram of camphor, half an ounce of sugar-candy, and a pound of ox-gall. Mix and stir well for ten minutes, and stir it three or four times a fortnight. When clear and transparent, strain through a blotting paper and bottle for use. TO PREVENT HAIR FALLING OUT. Ammonia one ounce, rosemary one ounce, cantharides four drams, rose-water four ounces, glycerine one ounce. First wet the head with cold water, then apply the mix- ture, rubbing briskly. Vinegar of cantharides half an ounce, eau-de-cologne one ounce, rose-water one ounce. The scalp should be brushed briskly until it becomes red, and the lotion should then be applied to the roots of the hair twice a day. TO BEAUTIFY THE HAIR. Take two ounces of olive oil, four ounces of good bay rum, and one dram of the oil of almonds; mix and shake IrelL This will darken the hair.* 376 TOILET KECIPE8. HAIR OILS. Mix two ounce of castor oil with three ounces of alcohol, and add two ounces of olive oil. Perfume to liking. TO MAKE POMADES FOR THE HAIR. Take the marrow out of a beef shank bone, melt it in a vessel placed over or in boiling water, then strain and scent to liking, with ottar of roses or other perfume. Unsalted lard five ounces, olive oil two and a half ounces, castor oil one-quarter ounce, yellow wax and spermaceti one-quarter ounce. These ingredients are to be liquified over a warm bath, and when cool, perfume to liking. Fresh beef marrow, boiled with a little almond oil or sweet oil, and scented with ottar of roses or other mild perfume. A transparent hair pomade is made as follows: Take half a pint of fine castor oil and an ounce of white wax. Stir until it gets cool enough to thicken, when perfume may be stirred in; geranium, bergamot or lemon oil may be used. GERMAN METHOD OF TREATING THE HAIR. The women of Germany have remarkably fine and luxuriant hair. The following is their method of man- aging it: About once in two or three weeks, boil for half an hour or more a large handful of bran in a quart of soft water; strain into a basin, and when tepid, rub into the water a little white soap. With this wash the TOILET RECIPES. 377 head thoroughly, using a soft linen cloth or towel, thor- oughly dividing the hair so as to reach the roots. Then take the yolk of an egg, slightly beaten in a saucer, and with the fingers rub it into the roots of the hair. Let it remain a few minutes, and then wash it off entirely with a cloth dipped in pure water. Rinse the head well till the yolk of the egg has disappeared from it, then wipe and rub it dry with a towel, and comb the hair from the head, parting it with the fingers, then apply some soft pomatum. In winter it is best to do all this in a warm room. TO KEEP THE HAIR FROM TURNING GREY. Take the hulls of butternuts, about four ounces, and infuse in a quart of water, and to this add half an ounce . of copperas. Apply with a soft brush every two or three days. This preparation is harmless, and is far better than those dyes made of nitrate of silver. Oxide of bismuth four drams, spermaceti four drams, pure hog's lard four ounces. Melt the two last and add the first. TO CLEANSE THE HAIR AND SCALP. Beat up a fresh egg and rub it well into the hair, or if more convenient, rub it into the hair without beating. Rub the egg in until a lather is formed, occasionally wetting the hands in warm water softened by borax. By the time a lather is formed, the scalp is clean, then rinse the egg all out in a basin of warm water, contain- ing a tablespoonful of powdered borax: after that rinse in a basin of clean water. 378 TOILET RECIPES. HAIR WASH. Bay nun six ounces, aromatic spirits of ammonia half an ounce, bergamot oil six drops. Mix. TO MAKE THE HAIR GROW. If the head be perfectly bald, nothing will ever cause the hair to grow again. If the scalp be glossy, and no small hairs are discernible, the roots or follicles are dead, and can not be resuscitated. However if small hairs are to be seen, there is hope. Brush well, and bathe the bald spot three or four times a week with cold, soft water; carbonate of ammonia one dram, tinc- ture of cantharides four drams, bay rum four ounces, castor oil two ounces. Mix well and use it every day. SEA FOAM OR DRY SHAMPOO. Take a pint of alcohol, half pint of bay rum, and half an ounce of spirits of ammonia, and one dram of salts tartar. Shake well together and it is ready for use. Pour a quantity on the head, rub well with the palm of the hand. It will produce a thick foam, and will cleanse the scalp. This is used generally by first-class barbers. BARBER'S SHAMPOO. To one pint of warm water add half an ounce of salts tartar. Cut up very fine a piece of castile soap, the size of two crackers, and mix it, shaking the mixture well. and it is ready for use. TOILET RECIPES. 379 CLEANING GOLD JEWELRY. Gold ornaments may be kept bright and clean with soap and warm water, scrubbing them well with a soft nail brush. They may be dried in sawdust of box- wood. Imitation jewelry may be treated in the same way. TO LOOSEN STOPPERS OF TOILET BOTTLES. Let a drop of pure oil flow round the stopper and let the bottle stand a foot or two from the fire. After a time tap the stopper smartly, but not too hard, with the handle of a hair brush. If this is not effectual, use a fresh drop of oil and repeat the process. It is almost sure to succeed. TO MAKE BANDOLINE. Half a pint of water, rectified spirits with an equal quantity of water three ounces, gum tragacanth one and a half drams. Add perfume, let the mixture stand for a day or two and then strain. Simmer an ounce of quince seed in a quart of water for forty minutes, strain, cool, add a few drops of scent, and bottle, corking tightly. Iceland moss one-fourth of on ounce, boiled in a quart of water, and a little rectified spirit added, so that it will keep. TO MAKE LIP-SALVE. Melt in a jar placed in a basin of boiling water a quarter of an ounce each of white wax and spermaceti, flour of benzoin fifteen grains, and half an ounce of the 380 TOILET RECIPES. oil of almonds. Stir till the mixture is cool. Color red with alkanet root. TO CLEAN KID BOOTS. Mix a little white of egg and ink in a bottle, so that the composition may be well shaken up when required for use. Apply to the kid with a piece of sponge and rub dry. The best thing to rub dry with is the palm of the hand. When the kid shows symptoms of cracking, rub in a few drops of sweet oil. The soles and heels fiouJd be polished with common blacking. TO CLEAN PATENT-LEATHEE BOOTS. In cleaning patent-leather boots, first remove all the dirt upon them with a sponge or flannel; then the boot should be rubbed lightly over with a paste consisting of two spoonfuls of cream and one of linseed oil, both of which require to be warmed before being mixed. Pol- ish with a soft cloth. TO REMOVE STAINS AND SPOTS FROM SILK. Boil five ounces of soft water and six ounces of pow- dered alum for a short time, and pour it into a vessel to cool. Warm it for use, and wash the stained part with it and leave dry. Wash the soiled part with ether, and the grease will disappear. We often find that lemon- juice, vinegar, oil of vitriol and other sharp corrosives, stain dyed garments. Some- TOILET RECIPES. 38 1 times, by adding a little pearlash to a soap-lather and passing the silks through these, the faded color will be restored. Pearlash and warm water will sometimes do alone, but it is the most efficacious to use the soap-lather and pearlash together. TOOTHACHE PREVENTIVE. Use flower of sulphur as a tooth powder every night, rubbing the teeth and gums with a rather hard tooth- brush. If done after dinner, too, all the better. It pre- serves the teeth and does not communicate any smell whatever to the mouth. HOW TO WHITEN LINEN. Stains occasioned by fruit, iron rust and other similar causes may be removed by applying to the parts injured a weak solution of the chloride of lime, the cloth having been previously well washed. The parts subjected to this operation should be subsequently rinsed in soft, clear, warm water, without soap, and be immediately dried in the sun. Oxalic acid diluted with water will accomplish the same end. TO TAKE STAINS OUT OF SILK. Mix together in a vial two ounces of essence of lemon and one ounce of oil of turpentine. Grease and other spots in silk must be rubbed gently with a linen rag dipped in the above composition. To remove acid stains from silks, apply with a soft rag ; spirits of am- monia. 382 TOILET RECIPES. TO REMOVE STAINS FROM WHITE COTTON GOODS. For mildew, rub in salt and some buttermilk, and ex- pose it to the influence of a hot sun. Chalk and soap or lemon juice and salt are also good. As fast as the spots become dry, more should be rubbed on, and the garment should be kept in the sun until the spots disappear. Some one of the preceding things will extract most kinds of stains, but a hot sun is necessary to render any one of them effectual. Scalding water will remove fruit stains. So also will hartshorn diluted with warm water, but it will be nec- essary to apply it several times. Common salt rubbed on fruit stains before they be- come dry will extract them. Colored cotton goods that have ink spilled on them, should be soaked in lukewarm sour milk. TO REMOVE SPOTS OF PITCH OR TAR. Scrape off all the pitch or tar you can, then saturate the spots with sweet oil or lard; rub it in well, and let it remain in a warm place for an hour. TO EXTRACT PAINT FROM GARMENTS. Saturate the spot with spirits of turpentine, let it re- main a number of hours, then rub it between the hands; it will crumble away without injury either to the tex- ture or color of any kind of woolen, cotton or silk goods. TOILET RECIPES. 383 TO CLEAN SILKS AND RIBBONS. Take equal quantities of soft lye-soap, alcohol or gin, and molasses. Put the silk on a clean table without creasing; rub on the mixture with a flannel cloth. Rinse the silk well in cold, clear water, and hang it up to dry without wringing. Iron it before it gets dry, on the wrong side. Silks and ribbons treated in this way will look very nicely. Camphene will extract grease and clean ribbons with- out changing the color of most things. They should be dried in the open air and ironed when pretty dry. The water in which pared potatoes have been boiled is very good to wash black silks in; it stiffens and makes them glossy and black. Soap-suds answer very well. They should be washed in two suds and not rinsed in clean water. REMEDY FOR BURNT KID OR LEATHER SHOES. If a lady has had the misfortune to put her shoes or slippers too near the stove, and thus had them burned, she can make them nearly as good as ever by spreading soft-soap upon them while they are still hot, and then, when they are cold, washing it off. It softens the leather and prevents it drawing up. REMEDY FOR CORNS. Soak the feet for half an hour two or three nights suc- cessively in a pretty strong solution of common soda. The alkali dissolves the indurated cuticle and the corn 384 TOILET KECIPES. comes away, leaving a little cavity which, however, won fills up. Corns between the toes are generally more painful than others, and are frequently so situated as to be almost inaccessible to the usual remedies. They may be cured by wetting them several times a day with spirits of ammonia. INFLAMED EYELIDS. Take a slice of stale bread, cut as thin as possible, toast both sides well, but do not burn it; when cold soak it in cold water, then put it between a piece of old linen and apply, changing when it gets warm. TO MAKE COLD CREAM. Melt in a jar two ounces of white wax, half an ounce of spermaceti, and mix with a pint of sweet oil. Add perfume to suit. Melt together an ounce of white wax, half an ounce of spermaceti, and mix with a pint of oil of sweet almonds and half a pint of rose-water. Beat to a paste. TO MAKE ROSE-WATER. Take half an ounce of powdered white sugar and two drams of magnesia. With these mix twelve drops of ottar of roses. Add a quart of water, two ounces of alcohol, mix in a gradual manner, and filter through blotting paper. TOILET RECIPES. 385 HOW TO WASH LACES. Take a quart bottle and cover it over with the leg of a soft, firm stocking, sew it tightly above and below, fhen wind the collar or lace smoothly around the cov- ered bottle; take a fine needle and thread and sew very carefully around the outer edge of the collar or lace, catching every loop fast to the stocking. Then shake the bottle up and down in a pailful of warm soap-suds, occasionally rubbing the soiled places with a soft sponge. It must be rinsed well after the same manner in clean water. When the lace is clean, apply a very weak solu- tion of gum arabic and stand the bottle in the sunshine to dry. Take off the lace very carefully when perfectly dry. Instead of ironing, lay it between the white leaves of a heavy book; or, if you are in a hurry, iron on flan- nel between a few thicknesses of fine muslin. Done up in this way, lace collars will wear longer, stay clean longer, and have a rich, new, lacy look that they will not have othei'wise. HOW TO DARKEN FADED FALSE HAIR. The switches, curls and frizzes which fashion demands should be worn, will fade in course of time; and though they matched the natural hair perfectly at first, they will finally present a lighter tint. If the hair is brown this can be remedied. Obtain a yard of dark brown calico. Boil it until the color has well come out into the water. Then into this water dip the hair, and*take 25 TOILET RECIPES. it out and dry it. Repeat the operation until it shall be of the required depth of shade. PUTTING AWAY FURS FOR THE SUMMER. When you are ready to put away furs and woolens, and want to guard against the depredations of moths, pack them securely in paper flour sacks and tie them up well. This is better than camphor or tobacco or snuff scattered among them in chests and drawers. Before putting your muffs away for the summer, twirl them by the cord at the ends, so that every hair will straighten. Put them in their boxes and paste a strip of paper where the lid fits on. TO KEEP THE HAIR IN CURL. To keep the hair in curl take a few quince-seed, boil them in water, and add perfumery if you like; wet the hair with this and it will keep in curl longer than from the use of any other preparation. It is also good to keep the hair in place on the forehead on going out in the wind. PROTECTION AGAINST MOTHS. Dissolve two ounces of camphor in half a pint each of alcohol and spirits of turpentine; keep in a stone bottle and shake before using. Dip blotting paper in the liquid, and place in the box with the articles to be pre- served. TO TAKE MILDEW OUT OF LINEN. Wet the linen in soft water, rub it well with white soap, then scrape some fine chalk to powder, and rub it TOILET KECIPE8. 387 well into the linen; lay it out on the grass in the sun- shine, watching to keep it damp with soft water. Re- peat the process the next day, and in a few hours the mildew will entirely disappear., CURE FOB INGROWING NAILS ON TOES. Take a little tallow and put it into a spoon, and heat it over a lamp until it becomes very hot; then pour it on the sore or granulation. The effect will be almost magical. The pain and tenderness will at once be re- lieved. The operation causes very little pain if the tal- low is perfectly heated. Perhaps a repetition may be necessary in some cases. TO REMOVE GREASE-SPOTS FROM WOOLEN CLOTH. Take one quart of spirits of wine or alcohol, twelve drops of winter green, one gill of beef-gall and &ii. cents' worth of lavendar. A little alkanet to color if you wish. Mix. TO CLEAN WOOLEN CLOTH. Take equal parts of spirits hartshorn and ether. Ox- gall mixed with it makes it better. TO TAKE INK-SPOTS FROM LINEN. Take a piece of mould candle of the finest kind, melt it, and dip the spotted part of the linen in the melted tallow: Then throw the linen into the wash. 388 TOILET RECIPES. TO REMOVE FRUIT-STAINS. Moisten the parts stained with cold water; then hold it over the smoke of burning brimstone, and the stain will disappear. This will remove iron mould also. CLEANING SILVER. For cleaning silver, either articles of personal wear or those pertaining to the toilet-table or dressing-case, there is nothing better than a spoonful of common whiting, carefully pounded so as to be without lumps, reduced to a paste with gin. TO REMOVE GREASE SPOTS. French chalk is useful for removing grease-spots from clothing. Spots on silk will sometimes yield if a piece of blotting-paper is placed over them and the blade of a knife is heated (not too much) and passed over the paper. TO REMOVE A TIGHT RING. When a ring happens to get so tight on a finger that it cannot be removed, a piece of string, well soaped, may be wound tightly round the finger, commencing at the end of the finger and continued until the ring is reached. Then force the end of the twine between the ring and finger, and as the string is unwound, the ring will be gradually forced off. MOSQUITOES WARDED OFF. To ward off mosquitoes, apply to the skin a solution made of fifty drops of carbolic acid to an ounce of TOILET RECIPES. 389 glycerine. Mosquito bites may be instantly cured by touching them with the solution. Add two or three drops of the ottar of roses to disguise the smell. The pure, crystalized form of the acid has a less powerful odor than the common preparation. LINIMENT FOR THE FACE AFTER SHAVING. One ounce of lime water, one ounce of sweet oil, one drop oil of roses, is a good liniment for th^ face after shaving. Shake well before using. Apply with the forefinger. TO REMOVE SUNBURN. Wash thoroughly with milk of almonds, which can be obtained at the drug store. TO WHITEN THE FINGER NAILS. Take two drams of dilute sulphuric acid, one dram of the tincture of myrrh, four ounces of spring water, and mix in a bottle. After washing the hands, dip the fingers in a little of the mixture. Rings with stories or pearls in them should be removed before using this mixture. TO REMOVE TAN. Tan can be removed from the face by dissolving mag- nesia in soft water. Beat it to a thick mass, spread it on the face, and let it remain a minute or two. Then wash oS. with castile soapsuds and rinse with soft water. 390 TOILET RECIPES. TO CUKE WARTS. Take a piece of raw beef steeped in vinegar for twenty-four hours, *ie i* on the part affected. Apply each night loi two weeks. REMEDY FOR IN-GROWING TOE-NAILS. The best remedy for in-growing toe-nails is to cut a notch about the shape of a V in the end of the nail, about one-quarter the width of the nail from the in- growing side. Cut down as nearly to the quick as pos- sible, and one-third the length of the nail. The press- ure of the boot or shoe will tend to close the opening you have made in the nail, and this soon affords relief. Allow the in-growing portion of the nail to grow with- out cutting it, until it gets beyond the flesh. TO REMOVE WRINKLES. Melt one ounce of white wax, add two ounces of juice of lily-bulbs, two ounces of honey, two drams of rose- water, and a drop or two of ottar of roses. Use it twice a day. Put powder of best myrrh upon an iron plate suffici- ently hot to melt the gum gently, and when it liquefies^ cover over your head with a napkin, and hold your face over the fumes at a distance that will cause you no in- convenience. If it produces headache, discontinue its use. In, washing, use warm instead of cold water. TOILET BECIPES. 391 EEMEDY FOR CHAPPED HANDS. After washing with soap, rinse the hands in fresh water and dry them thoroughly, by applying Indian meal or rice flour. Lemon- juice three ounces, white wine vinegar three ounces, and white brandy half a pint. Add ten drops of carbolic acid to one ounce of glycerine, and apply freely at night. TO CUBE CHILBLAINS. Two tablespoonfuls of lime water mixed with enough sweet oil to make it as thick as lard. Rub the chilblains with the mixture and dry it in, then wrap up in linen. Bathe the chilblains in strong alum water, as hot as it can be borne. When indications of the chilblains first present them- selves, take vinegar three ounces and camphorated spirits of wine one ounce; mix and rub on the parts affected. Bathe the feet in warm water, in which two or three handsf ul of common salt have been dissolved. Rub with a raw onion dipped in salt. HAIR RESTORATIVE. The oil of mace one-half ounce, mixed with a pint of deodorized alcohol, is a powerful stimulant for the hair. To apply it, pour a spoonful or two into a saucer, dip a stiff brush into it and brush the hair and head smartly. On bald heads, if hair will start at all, it may be stimulated by friction with a piece of flannel till the skin 392 TOILET RECIPES. becomes red. Repeat this process three times a day, until the hair begins to grow, when the tincture may be applied but once a day, till the growth is well estab- lished. The head should be bathed in cold water every morning, and briskly brushed to bring the blood to the surface. WASH FOR THE TEETH. Dissolve two ounces of borax in three pints of warm water. Before the water is quite cold, add one tea- spoonful of spirits of camphor. Bottle the mixture for use. One wine-glass of the mixture, added to half a pint of tepid water, is sufficient for each application. This solution used daily, beautifies and preserves the teeth. FOR WHITENING THE HANDS. A wine-glass of cologne and one of lemon-juice strained clear. Scrape two cakes of brown Windsor soap to a powder and mix well in a mould. When hard, it is fit for use, and will be found excellent for whiten- ing the hands. Wear during the night, large cloth mittens filled with wet bran or oatmeal, and tied closely at the wrist. Persons who have a great deal of house-work to do, may keep their hands soft and white by wearing bran or oat- meal mittens. TO REDUCE THE FLESH. A strong decoction of sassafras, drank frequently, will reduce the flesh as rapidly as any remedy known. A strong infusion is made at the rate of an ounce of TOILET RECIPES. 393 sassafras to a quart of water. Boil it half an hour very slowly, and let it stand till cold, heating again if desired. Keep it from the air. SMOOTH AND SOFT HANDS. A few drops of glycerine thoroughly rubbed over the hands, after washing them, will keep them smooth and soft. TO MAKE TINCTURE OP ROSES. Take the leaves of the common rose and place, with- out pressing them, in a glass bottle, then pour some spirits of wine on them, close the bottle and let it stand till required for use. Its perfume is nearly equal to that of ottar of roses. SOFT CORNS. A weak solution of carbolic acid will heal soft corns between the toes. BUKNED EYEBROWS. Five grains sulphate of quinine dissolved in an ounce of alcohol, will, if applied, cause eyebrows to grow when burned off by the fire. TO RESTORE GRAY HAIR. A recipe for restoring gray hair to its natural color, said to be very effective, when the hair is changing color, is as follows: One pint of water, one ounce tincture of acetate of iron, half an ounce of glycerine, and five grains sulphuret potassium. Mix and let the bottle 394 TOILET KEOIPE8. stand open until the smell of the potassium has disap- peared, then add a few drops of ottar of roses. Rub a little into the hair daily, and it will restore its color and benefit the health. Bathing the head in a strong solution of rock salt, is said to restore gray hair in some cases. Make the solu- tion two heaping tablespoonfuls of salt to a quart of boiling water, and let it stand until cold before using. A solution made of a tablespoonf ul of carbonate of ammonia to a quart of water is also recommended, wash the head thoroughly with the solution and brush the hair while wet. TO TAKE STAINS OUT OF SILKS. Make a solution of two ounces of essence of lemon, and one ounce oil of turpentine. Rub the silk gently with linen cloth, dipped in the solution. To remove acid stains from silk, apply spirits of am- monia with a soft rag. TO TAKE INKSPOTS FROM LIKEN. Dip the spotted part of the linen in clean, pure melted tallow, before being washed. TO REMOVE DISCOLORATION BY BRUISING. Apply to the bruise a cloth wrung out of very hot water, and renew frequently until the pain ceases. TOILET RECIPES. 395 TO CLEAN KID GLOVES. Make a solution of one quart of distilled benzine with one-fourth of an ounce of carbonate of ammonia, one- fourth of an ounce of fluid chloroform, one-fourth of an ounce of sulphuric ether. Pour a small quantity into a saucer, put on the gloves, and wash, as if washing the hands, changing the solution until the gloves are clean. Rub them clean and as dry as possible with a clean dry cloth, and take them off and hang them where there is a good current of air to dry. This solution is also ex- cellent for cleaning ribbons, silks, etc., and is perfectly harmless to the most delicate tints. Do not get near the fire when using, as the benzine is very inflammable. Washing the gloves in turpentine, the same as above, is also a good means of cleaning them. PERSPIRATION. To remove the unpleasant odor produced by perspira- tion, put two tablespoonf uls of the compound spirit of ammonia in a basin of water, and use it for bathing. It leaves the skin clear, sweet and fresh as one could wish. It is perfectly harmless, very cheap, and is recommended on the authority of an experienced physician. TO REMOVE FLESH WORMS. Flesh worms, or little black specks, which appear on the nose, may be removed by washing in warm water, drying with a towel, and applying a wash of cologne 396 TOILET KECIPES. and liquor of potash, made of three ounces of the former to one ounce of the latter. CHAPPED LIPS. Oil of roses four ounces, white wax one ounce, sper- maceti half an ounce^ melt in- a glass vessel, stirring with a wooden spoon, and pour into a china or glass cup. RECIPES FOR THE CARE OF THE TEETH. A remedy for unsound gums, is a gargle made of one ounce of coarsely powdered Peruvian bark steeped in half a pint of brandy for two weeks. Put a teaspoonf ul of this into a tablespoonful of water, and gargle the mouth twice a day. The ashes of stale bread, thoroughly burned, is said to make a good dentifrice. The teeth should be carefully brushed after every meal, as a means of preserving a sweet breath. In addition, a small piece of licorice may be dissolved in the mouth, which corrects the effects of indigestion. Licorice has no smell, but simply corrects ill-flavored odor. A good way to clean teeth is to dip the brush in water, rub it over white castile soap, then dip it in pre- pared chalk, and brush the teeth briskly. To beautify the teeth, dissolve two ounces of borax in three pints of boiling water, and before it is cold, add one teaspoonful of spirits of camphor; bottle for use. Use a teaspoonful of this with an equal quantity of warm water. TOILET RECIPES. 397 TO MAKE COLD CREAM. Five ounces oil of sweet almonds, three ounces sperma- ceti, half an ounce of white wax, and three to five drops ottar of roses. Melt together in a shallow dish over hot water. Strain through a piece of muslin when melted, and as it begins to cool, beat it with a silver spoon until cold and snowy white. For the hair use seven ounces of oil of almonds instead of five. REMEDY FOR BLACK TEETH. Take equal parts of cream of tartar and salt, pulverize it and mix it well. Wash the teeth in the morning and rub them well with the powder. TO CLEANSE THE TEETH AND GUMS. Take an ounce of myrrh in fine powder, two table- spoonfuls of honey, and a little green sage in very fine powder; mix them well together, and wet the teeth and gums with a little, twice a day. CHAPTER XXXIV. , (Saraes, Qmnssmznts. HERE is a great variety of games, sports and amusements for both out- door and in-door entertainment, in which both sexes mingle for pleas- ure, and brief mention is here made of some of these. ARCHERY. The interest that has been recently awakened in this country in archery, is worthy of mention. As a graceful, health- ful and innocent sport, it has no equal among any of the games that have been introduced, where both sexes participate. Our young and middle aged ladies too often neglect out-door physical exertion, which is essential to acquiring strength of limbs and muscle, and a gracefulness of carriage which is dependent thereon. It is a mistaken idea that with youth all indulgence in physical recreation should cease, On the contrary, such exercises as are most conducive (398) SPOKTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 399 to health, and are attended with pleasure, might with propriety be kept up by young women as well as by young men, as a means of retaining strength and elas- ticity of the muscles; and, instead of weak, trembling frames and broken down constitutions, in the prime of life, a bright, vigorous old age would be the reward. The pursuit of archery is recommended to both young and old, male and female, as having advantages far su- perior to any of the out-door games and exercises, as a graceful and invigorating pastime, developing in ladies a strong constitution, perfection of sight at long range, and above all, imparting to the figure a graceful appear- ance and perfect action of the limbs and chest. Let the women of this country devote some of their spare hours to this pleasant, health-giving sport, and their reward will be bright, ruddy faces, elasticity of movement, and strong and vigorous constitutions. IMPLEMENTS FOE AKCHERY. For the purposes of archery, the implements required are the bow, arrows, targets, a quiver pouch and belt, an arm-guard or brace, a shooting glove or finger tip, and a scoring card. The bow is from five to six feet long, made of lance- wood or locust. Spanish yew is considered the choicest, next comes the Italian, then the English yew; lance- wood and lancewood backed with hickory are used more than any other. In choosing a bow, get the best you can afford, it will prove the cheapest in the end. Men should use bows six feet long, pulling from forty to 4:00 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. sixty pounds, and ladies bows of five feet or five feet six inches in length, and pulling from twenty-five to forty pounds. The arrows are generally of uniform thickness throughout, and are made of pine; the finest grades being made of white deal, with sharp points of iron or brass. They are from 25 to 30 inches in length. The quiver belt is worn round the waist, and contains the arrows which are being used. The arm is protected from the blow of the string by the "arm-guard," a broad guard of strong leather buckled on the left wrist by two straps. A shooting-glove is worn on the right hand to protect the fingers from soreness in drawing the string of the bow. The target consists of a circular, thick mat of straw, from two to four feet in diameter, covered with canvas, painted in a series of circles. The inner circle is a gold color, then comes red, white, black, and the outer circle white. The score for a gold hit is nine; the red 7; the inner white 5; the black 3, and the outer white 1. The use of the bow and arrows, the proper manner of holding them, and directions for shooting are to be found in pamphlets of instruction, which often accom- pany the implements. ARCHERY CLUBS AND PRACTICE. In many cities and villages throughout the country, clubs have been formed, and regular days for practice and prize shooting are appointed. Each member of the the club is expected to furnish his or her own imple- SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 401 ments, and to attend all the practice meetings and prize shootings. The clubs are about equally divided as to ladies and gentlemen, as both sexes participate equally in the sport. The officers are such as are usually chosen in all organizations, with the addition of a Lady Para- mount, a scorer, and a Field Marshal. The lady para- mount is the highest office of honor in the club. She is expected to act as an umpire or judge in all matters of dispute that may come up in the club, and her decisions must be regarded as final. She is also expected to do all in her power to further the interests of the organiza- tion. A field marshal has been appointed by some clubs, and his duties are to place the targets, measure the shooting distances, and have general supervision of the iield on practice days. The scorer keeps a score of each individual member of the club. In meeting for practice, it is customary to have one target for every six, eight or ten persons, the latter number being sufficient for any one target. The tar- gets are placed at any distance required, from thirty to one hundred yards; ladies being allowed an advantage of about one-fourth the distance in shooting. To be- ginners, a distance of from twenty-five to forty yards for gentlemen, and twenty to thirty for ladies, is suffi- cient, and this distance may be increased as practice is acquired. An equal number of ladies and gentlemen usually occupy one target, and each shoots a certain number of arrows as agreed upon, usually from three to six, a score being kept as the target is hit. After each person has shot the alloted number of arrows, it is re- 402 EPOETS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. garded as an "end," and a certain number of ends, as agreed upon, constitute a "round." For prize shooting, the National Archery Association has established three rounds, known as the "York Round," the "American Round," and the "Columbia Round" (for ladies). The "York Round" consists of 72 arrows at 100 yards, 48 at 80 yards, and 24 at 60 yards. The "American Round" consists of 30 arrows, each at 60, 50 and 40 yards respectively, and the "Columbia Round" (for ladies), 24 arrows, each at 50, 40 and 30 yards respec- tively. A captain is appointed for each target, who designates a target scorer, and the gentleman who makes the largest score, is appointed captain of the target at the succeeding meeting. The target scorer, at the close of the round, hands the score to the official scorer, who announces the result at the next meeting of the club. Some clubs have adopted the plan of having every alter- nate meeting for prize shooting, awarding some small token to the lady and gentleman who makes the highest scores. Ladies' costume for archery may be more brilliant than for an ordinary walking dress, and are usually trimmed with green and gold color, and in many cases a green jacket is worn. The costumes are short enough for convenience in movement, and made so as to give free and easy movement of the arms. LAWN-TENNIS. Amongst .all games, none, perhaps can so justly lay claim to the honor of antiquity as tennis. The ancient 8POKTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 403 Greeks played it, the Romans knew it as pila, and ever since those days, with little intermission, the game has been played in many European countries. After a long season of rest, the game has now re-appeared in all the freshness of renewed youth. There are many points to be said to commend tennis. Both ladies and gentlemen can join in the game, and often the palm will be borne off by the " weaker, yet fairer " sex. The exercise re- quired to enjoy the game is not in any way of an ex- hausting character, and affords ladies a training in grace- ful and charming movements. Lawn-tennis may be played either in summer or winter, and in cold weather, if the ground be dry, is a very agreeable out-door rec- reation. At a croquet or garden party it is certainly a desideratum. The requisites for playing lawn-tennis, are a lawn or level surface about 45 by 100 feet, as the "court" upon which the playing is done is 27 by 78 feet. A net four or five feet in height and 27 feet long, divides the court. A ball made of india rubber and covered with cloth, and a "racket" for each player are the implements needed for playing. The racket is used for handling the ball, and is about two feet in length, with net work at the outer end, by means of which the ball is tossed from one place to another. Rules for playing the game are obtained with the implements needed, which can be procured from dealers in such lines of goods. SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. i CROQUET. The game of croquet is played by opposite parties, of one or more on a side, each player being provided with a mallet and her own ball which are distinguished by their color. The players in their turn place their ball a mallet's length from the starting stake, and strike it with the mal- let, the object being to pass it through the first one or two hoops. The turning or upper stake must be struck with the ball before the player can pass her ball through the returning hoops, and on returning to the starting point the ball must hit the starting stake before the player is the winner. The one who passes through all the hoops and gets her ball to the starting stake first is the winner. We do not give the rules of the game as each croquet set is accompanied by a complete set of rules. "Where four are playing, two of whom are gentlemen, one lady and gentleman usually play as partners. As it is the height of ill-manners to display any rudeness, no lady or gentleman will be so far forgetful as to be- come angry should the opposing parties be found " cheating." Invitations to a croquet party may be of the same form as invitations to any other party. BOATING. Where there is a sufficiently large body or stream of water to admit of it, boating is a very enjoyable recre- ation, which may be pursued by both ladies and gentle- SPOETS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 405 men. There is much danger in sailing, and the proper management of a sail-boat requires considerable tact and experience. Rowing is safer, but caution should be observed in not over-loading the boat. A gentleman should not invite ladies to ride on the water unless he is thoroughly capable of managing the boat. Rowing is a healthful and delightful recreation, and many ladies become expert and skillful at it. Every gentleman should have some knowledge of rowing, as it is easily acquired. If a gentleman who is inexperienced in row- ing, goes out with other gentlemen in a boat, he should refrain from any attempt to row, as he will only display his awkwardness, and render the ride uncomfortable to his companions. In rowing with a friend, it is polite to offer him the " stroke " oar, which is the post of honor. When two gentlemen take a party of ladies out for a row, one stands in the boat to steady it and offer assis- tance to the ladies in getting seated, and the other aids from the wharf. A lady's dress for rowing should be one which will give perfect freedom to her arm; a short skirt, stout boots, and hat with sufficient brim to protect her face from the sun. PICNICS. While ladies and gentlemen never forget their good manners, and are always polite and courteous, yet at picnics they are privileged to relax many of the forms and ceremonies required by strict etiquette. Here men 406 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. and women mingle for a day of pleasure in the woods or fields, or on the water, and it is the part of all who attend to do what they can for their own and their neighbor's enjoyment. Hence, formal introductions and other ceremonies need not stand in the way of en- joyment either by ladies or gentlemen, and at the same time no act of rudeness should occur to mar the pleas- ure of the occasion. It is the duty of gentlemen to do all they can to make the occasion enjoyable and even mirthful. They should also look to providing the means of conveyance to and from the spot selected for the fes- tivities, make such arrangements as are necessary in the way of providing music, games, boats, and whatever else is needed to enhance the pleasure of the day. The ladies provide the luncheon or dinner, which is spread upon the grass or eaten out of their baskets, and at which the restraints of the table are withdrawn. At picnics, gentlemen become the servants as well as the escorts and guides of the ladies, and perform such ser- vices for ladies in the way of procuring flowers, carrying baskets, climbing trees, baiting their fish-hooks, and many other things as are requested of them. PBIVATE THEATRICALS. Private theatricals may be made very pleasing and instructive entertainments for fall or winter evenings, among either young or married people. They include charades, proverbs, tableaux, dramatic readings, and the presentation of a short dramatical piece, and may SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 407 successfully be given in the parlor or drawing room. The hostess seeks the aid of friends in the preparation of her arrangements, and if a drama has been deter- mined upon, she assigns the various parts to each. Her friends should aid her in her efforts by giving her all the assistance they can, and by willingly and good- naturedly complying with any request she may make, accepting the parts allotted to them, even if they are obscure or distasteful. They should endeavor to per- form their part in any dramatical piece, tableau or charade as well as possible, and the success they achieve will determine how conspicuous a part they may be called upon to perform at a subsequent time. The hostess should consult each performer before alloting a part, and endeavor to suit each one. The host or hostess should not have any conspicuous part assigned them, unless it is urged by all the other performers. Those who are to participate, should not only learn their parts, but endeavor to imbue themselves with the spirit of the character they personate, so as to afford pleasure to all who are invited to witness its performance. When per- sons have consented to participate in any such entertain- ment, only sickness or some very grave cause should prevent them from undertaking their part. Supper or refreshments usually follow private theatricals, of which both the performers and invited guests are invited to partake, and the remainder of the evening is spent in social intercourse. 408 * SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. ETIQUETTE OF CAED PLATING. Never urge any one who seems to be unwilling to play a game of cards. They may have conscientious scruples in the matter, which must be respected. If you have no scruples of conscience, it is not courte- ous to refuse, when a game cannot be made up without you. You may refuse to play if you do not understand the game thoroughly. If, however, you are urged to try, and your partner and opponents offer to instruct you, you may accede to their requests, for in so doing, you will acquire a better knowledge of the game. Married and elderly people take precedence over young and unmarried people, in a game of cards. It is the privilege of the host and hostess to suggest cards as a means of amusement for the guests. The latter should never call for them. " Whist " is a game of cards so-called, because it re- quires silence and close attention. Therefore in playing this game, you must give your whole attention to the cards, and secure at least comparative silence. Do not suggest or keep up any conversation during a game, which will distract your own mind or the mind of others from the game. Never hurry any one who is playing. In endeavoring to play their best, they should take their own time, without interruption. Betting at cards is vulgar, partakes of the nature of gambling, and should at all times be avoided. 8POKTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. Never finger the cards while they are being dealt, nor take up any of them until all are dealt out, when you may take your own cards and proceed to play. In large assemblies it is best to furnish the cards and tables, and allow guests to play or not, at their option, the host and hostess giving their assistance in seeking for people disposed to play, and in making up a game. In giving card parties, new cards should be provided oa every occasion. CHAPTER XXXV. OW beautiful and yet how cheap are flowers! Not exotics, but what are called common flowers. A rose, for instance, is among the most beautiful of the smiles of nature. The " laugh- ing flowers," exclaims the poet. But there is more than gayety in bloom- ing flowers, though it takes a wise man to see the beauty, the love, and the adap- tation of which they are full. What should we think of one who had invented flowers, supposing that, before him, flowers were unknown? Would he not be regarded as the opener-up of a paradise of new delight ? Should we not hail the inventor as a genius, as a god ? And yet these lovely offsprings of the earth have been speaking to man from the first dawn of his existence until now, telling him of the goodness and wisdom of the Creative Power, which bid the earth bring forth, not only that which was useful as food, but also flowers, the bright consummate flowers to clothe it in beauty and joy! (410) FLOWERS. " The meanest flower that blows can give Thoughts that do of tea lie too deep for teal*. 1 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWKRS. 411 Bring one of the commonest field-flowers into a room, place it on a table, or chimney -piece, and you seem to have brought a ray of sunshine into the place. There is a cheerfulness about flowers. What a delight are they to the drooping invalid! They are a sweet enjoy- ment, coming as messengers from the country, and seeming to say, "Come and see the place where we grow, and let your heart be glad in our presence." There is a sentiment attached to flowers, and this sentiment has been expressed in language by giving names to various flowers, shrubs and plants. These names constitute a language, which may be made the medium of pleasant and amusing interchange of thought between men and women. A bouquet of flowers and leaves may be selected and arranged so as to expivss much depth of feeling to be truly a poem. We pre- sent herewith a list of many flowers and plants, to which, by universal consent, a sentiment has become attached. Acacia Concealed love. Acacia, Rose Friendship. Acanthus Arts. Adonis Vernalis Bitter memories. Agnus Casus Coldness. Agrimony Thankfulness. Almond Hope. Aloe Superstition. Althea Consumed by love. Alyssum, Sweet Worth beyond beauty. Amaranth Immortality. Amaryllis Splendid beauty. Ambrosia Love returned. Anemone Expectation. 412 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. Anemone, Garden Forsaken. Angelica Inspiration. Apocynura (Dogbane) Inspiration. Apple Temptation. Apple Blossom Preference. Arbor vitae Unchanging friendship. Arbutus, Trailing Welcome. Arum Ardor. Ash Gran deur. Ash, Mountain Prudence. Aspen Tree Lamentation. Asphodel Regrets beyond the grave* Aurilica Avarice. Azalea Romance. Bachelor's Button Hope in love. Balm Sympathy. Balm of Gilead Healing. Balsam Impatience. Barberry Sharpness, satire. Basil Hatred. Bay Leaf No change till death. Beech Prosperity. Bee Ophrys Error. Bee Orchis Industry. Bell Flower Gratitude. Belvidere, Wild (Licorice) I declare against you, Bilberry Treachery. Birch Tree Meekness. Black Bryony Be my support. Bladder-Nut Tree Frivolous amusement? Blue Bottle Delicacy. Borage Bluntness. Box Constancy. Briers Envy. Broken Straw Constancy. Broom Neatness. Buckbean Calm repose. Bugloss Falsehood. Burdock Importunity. THE LANGUAGE OF FLO WEBS. 413 Buttercup Riches. Cactus Thou leavest me. Calla Lilly Feminine beauty. Calycanthus Benevolence.- * Camelia Pity. Camomile Energy in action. Candytuft Indifference. Canterbury Bell Gratitude. Cape Jasmine Gardenia Transport, ecstasy. Cardinal Flower Distinction. Carnation, Yellow Disdain. Catchfly (Silene), Red Youthful love. Catchfly, White I fall a victim. Cedar I live for thee. Cedar of Lebanon Incorruptible. Celandine Future joy. Cherry Tree Good education. Chickweed I cling to thee. Chickory Frugality. China Aster I will think of thee. China, Pink Aversion. Chrysanthemum, Rose In love. Chrysanthemum. White Truth. Chrysanthemum, Yellow Slighted love. Cinquefoil Beloved child. Clematis Artifice. Clover, Red Industry. Coboaa Gossip. Coxcomb Foppery. Colchium My best days fled. Coltsfoot Justice shall be done you. Columbine Folly. Columbine, Purple Resolved to win. Columbine, Red Anxious. Convolvulus Major Dead hope. Convolvulus Minor Uncertainty. Corchorus Impatience of happiness. Coreopsis Love at first sight. Coriander Hidden merit. 414: THE LANGUAGE OF FLO WEBS. Corn Riches. Cornelian Cherry Tree Durability. Coronilla Success to you. Cowslip Pensiveness. Cowslip, American My divinity. Crocus Cheerfulness. Crown Imperial Majesty. Currants You please me. Cypress Mourning. Cypress and Marigold Despair. Daffodil Chivalry. Dahlia Forever thine. Daisy, Garden I share your feelings. Daisy, Michaelmas Farewell. Daisy, Red Beauty unknown to possessor Daisy, White Innocence. Daisy, Wild I will think of it. Dandelion Coquetry. Daphne Mezereon I desire to please. Daphne Odora I would not have you otherwise. Deadleaves Sadness. Diosma Usefulness. Dittany Birth. Dock Patience. Dodder Meanness. Dogwood Flowering (Cornus) Am I indifferent to you? Ebony Hypocrisy. Eglantine I wound to heal. Elder Compassion. Elm Dignity. Endine Frugality. Epigrea, Repens (Mayflower) Budding beauty. Eupatoriutn Delay. Evening Primrose Inconstancy. Evergreen Poverty. Everlasting (Graphalium) Never ceasing memory. Filbert Reconciliation. Fir Tree Elevation. THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 415 Flax I feel your kindness. Flora's Bell Without pretension. Flowering Reed Confide in heaven. Forget-me-not True love. Foxglove Insincerity. Fraxinella Fire. Fritilaria (Guinea-hen Flower) Persecution. Furze Anger. Fuchsia The ambition of my love thus plagues itself. Fuchsia, Scarlet Taste. Gardenia Transport; Ecstasy. Gentian, Fringed Intrinsic worth. Geranium, Apple Present preference. Geranium, Ivy Your hand for next dance. Geranium, Nutmeg I expect a meeting. Geranium, Oak Lady, deign to smile. Geranium, Rose Preference. Geranium, Silver-leaf Recall. Gillyflower Lasting beauty. Gladiolus Ready armed. Golden Rod Encouragement. Gooseberry Anticipation. Goosefoot Goodness. Gorse Endearing affection. Grape Charity. Grass Utility. Guelder Rose (Snowball) "Winter, Harebell Grief. Hawthorn Hope. Heart's Ease Think of me. Heart's Ease, Purple You occupy my thoughts. Hazel Reconciliation. Heath Solitude. Helenium Tears. Heliotrope, Peruvian I love; devotion. Hellebore Scand al. Henbane Blemish. Hepatica Confidence. Hibiscus Delicate Beauty. 416 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEES. Holly Foresight. Hollyhock Fruitfulness. Hollyhock, White Female ambition. Honesty (Lunaria) Sincerity. Honeysuckle The bond of love. Honeysuckle, Coral The color of my fate. Honeysuckle, Monthly I will not answer hastily Hop In j ustice. Hornbeam Ornament. Horse-Chestnut Luxury. House-Leek Domestic Economy. Houstonia Content. Hoya (Wax Plant) Sculpture. Hyacinth Jealousy. Hyacinth, Blue Constancy. Hyacinth, Purple Sorrow. Hydrangea Heartlessness. Ice Plant Your looks freeze me. Indian Cress Resignation. Ipomaca I attach myself to you. Iris Message. Iris, German Flame. Ivy Friendship; matrimony. Jessamine, Cape Transient joy. Jessamine, White Amiability. Jessamine, Yellow Grace; elegance. Jonquil Return my affection. Judas-Tree Betrayed. Juniper Perfect Loveliness. Kalmia (Mountain Laurel) Treachery. Kennedia Intellectual beauty. Laburnum Pensive Beauty. Lady's Slipper Capricious beauty. Lagerstroema (Cape Myrtle) Eloquence. Lantana Rigor. Larch Boldn ess. Larkspur Fickleness. Laurel Glory. JLaurestinus I die if neglected. THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 417 Lavender Distrust. Lemon Blossom Discretion. Lettuce Cold-hearted. Lilac First emotion of love. Lilac, White Youth. Lily Purity; modesty. Lily of the Valey Return of happiness. Lily, Day Coquetry. Lily, Water Eloquence. Lily, Yellow Falsehood. Linden Tree Conjugal love. Live Oak Liberty. Liverwort Confidence. Locust Affection beyond the grave. London Pride Frivolity. Lotus Forgetful of the past. Love in a Mist You puzzle me, Love Lies Bleeding Hopeless, not heartless. Lucerne Life. Lungwort (Pulmonaria) Thou art my life. Lupine Imagination. Lychnis Religious Enthusiasm. Lythrum Pretension. Madder Calumny. Maiden's Hair Discretion. Magnolia, Chinese Love of Nature. Magnolia, Grandiflora Peerless and Proud. Magnolia, Swamp Perseverance. Mallow Sweetness. Mandrake Horror, Maple Reserve. Marigold Cruelty. Marigold, African Vulgar-minded. Marigold, French Jealousy* Marjoram Blushes. Marshmallow Beneficence. Marvel of Peru (Four o'clock) Timidity. Meadow Saffron My best days gone. Meadow Sweet Usefulness. 418 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. Mignonette Your qualities surpass your charms. Mimosa Sensitiveness. Mint Virtue. Mistletoe I surmount all difficulties. Mock Orange (Syringia) Counterfeit. Monkshood A deadly foe is near. Moonwort Forgetfulness. Morning Glory Coquetry, Moss Maternal love. Motherwort Secret Love. Mourning Bride (Scabious) Unfortunate attachment. Mouse-ear Chickweed Simplicity. Mulberry, Black I will not survive you. Mulberry, White Wisdom. Mullein Good nature. Mushroom Suspicion. Mush Plant Weakness. Mustard Seed Indifference. Myosotis Forget me not. Myrtle Love. Narcissus Egotism. Nasturtium Patriotism. Nettle Cruelty; Slander. Night Blooming Cereus Transient beauty. Nightshade Bitter truth. Oak Hospitality. Oats Music. Oleander Beware. Orange Generosity. Orange Flower Chastity. Orchis Beauty. Osier Frankness. Osmunda Dreams. Pansy Think of me. Parsley Entertainment. Pasque Flower Unpretentious. Passion Flower Religious Fervor. Pea Appointed meeting. Pea, Everlasting Wilt go with me ? THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEB8. 419 Pea, Sweet Departure. Peach Blossom My heart is thine Pear Tree Affection. Peony Anger. Pennyroyal Flee away. Periwinkle Sweet memories Persimmon Bury me amid nature's beaucies Fetumca Am not proud. Pheasant's Eye Sorrowful memories. Phlox Our souls united. Pimpernel Change. Pine Time. Pine Apple You are perfect. Pine, Spruce Farewell. Pink Pure affection. Pink, Clove Dignity. Pink, Double-red Pure, ardent love. Pink, Indian Aversion. Pink, Mountain You are aspiring. Pink, Variegated Refusal. Pink, White You are fair. Pink, Yellow Disdain. Plane Tree Genius. Pleurisy Root (Asclopias) Heartache cure. Plum Tree Keep promise. Plum Tree, Wild Independence. Polyanthus Confidence. Poplar, Black Courage. Poplar, White Time. Poppy Consolation. Poppy, White Sleep of the heart. Pomegranate Foolishness. Pomegranate Flower Elegance. Potato Beneficence. Pride of China (Melia) Dissension. Primrose Early youth. Primrose, Evening Inconstancy. Privet Mildness. Pumpkin Coarseness. 420 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEB8,, Quince Temptation. Ragged-robin (Lychnis) Wit. Ranunculus Radiant with charms. Reeds Music. Rhododendron Agitation. Rose Beauty. Rose, Austrian Thou art all that is lovely. Rose, Bridal Happy love. Rose, Burgundy Unconscious beauty. Rose, Cabbage Love's Ambassador. Rose, Campion Only deserve my love. Rose, Carolina Love is dangerous. Rose, China Grace. Rose, Daily That smile I would aspire to. Rose, Damask Freshness. Rose, Dog Pleasure and pain. Rose, Hundred Leaf Pride. Rose, Inermis Ingratitude. Rose, Maiden's Blush If you do love me you will find me out. Rose, Moss Superior merit. Rosebud, Moss Confessed love. Rose, Multiflora Grace. Rose, Musk-cluster Charming. Rose, Sweetbriar Sympathy. Rose, Tea Always lovely. Rose, Unique Call me not beautiful, Rose, White I am worthy of you. Rose, White (withered) Transient impression. Rose, Wild Simplicity. Rose, Yellow Decrease of love. Rose, York and Lancaster War. Roses, Garland of Reward of Virtue. Rosebud Young girl. Rosebud, White The heart that knows not love. Rosemary Your presence revives me Rue Disdain. Rush Docility. Saffron Excess is dangerous. THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEKS. 421 Sage Esteem. Sardonia Irony. Satin-flower (Lunaria) Sincerity. Scabious, Mourning Bride Widowhood. Sensitive Plant Timidity. Service Tree Prudence. Snapdragon Presumption. Snowball Thoughts of heaven. Snowdrop Consolation. Sorrel Wit ill-timed. Southernwood Jesting. Spearmint Warm feelings. Speedwell, Veronica Female fidelity. Spindle-tree Your image is engraven on my heart. Star of Bethlehem Reconciliation. Starwort, American Welcome to a stranger. St. John's Wort (Hypericum) Superstition. Stock, Ten-week Promptitude. Stramonium, Common Disguise. Strawberry Perfect excellence. Strawberry Tree (Arbutus) Esteemed love. Sumac Splendor. Sunflower, Dwarf Your devout admirer. Sunflower, Fall Pride. Sweet Sultan Felicity. Sweet William Artifice. Sycamore Curiosity. Syringia Memory. Tansy I declare against you. Teasel Misanthropy. Thistle Austerity. Thorn Apple Deceitful charms. Thorn, Black Difficulty. Thorns Severity, Thrift Sympathy. Throatwood (Pulmonaria) Neglected beauty. Thyme Activity. Tiger Flower May pride befriend thee. Touch me not, Balsam Impatience. 4-22 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEE8. Truffle Surprise. Trumpet Flower Separation. Tuberose Dangerous pleasures. Tulip Declaration of love. Tulip Tree Rural happiness. Tulip, Variegated Beautiful eyes. Tulip, Yellow Hopeless love. Turnip Charity. Valerian Accommodating disposition. Venus's Flytrap Caught at last. Venus's Looking-glass Flattery. Verbena Sensibility. Vine In toxicating. Violet, Blue Love. Violet, White Modesty. Violet, Yellow Modest worth. Virgin's Bower Filial love. Wall Flower Fidelity. Walnut Stratagem. Weeping Willow Forsaken. Wheat Prosperity. Woodbine Fraternal love. Wood Sorrel Joy. Wormwood Absence. Yarrow Cure for heartache. Yew Sorrow. Zennae Absent friends. CHAPTER XXXVI g touts. OME of the precious stones and gems have been given a distinct signifi- cance by imparting a special mean- ing or name to them. The ancients besides considered certain months sacred to the different stones, and some people have considered this in making birthday or wedding presents, Below will be found the stones regarded as sacred to the various months, with the meaning given to each. January Garnet Constancy and Fidelity. February Amethyst Sincerity. March Bloodstone Courage. April Sapphire Repentance. May Emerald Success in love. June Agate Health and long life. July Ruby Forgetfulness of, and exemption from vexations caused by friendship and love. August Sardonyx Conjugal Fidelity. September Chrysolite Freedom from evil passions and sadness of mind. October Opal Hope and Faith. November Topaz Fidelity and Friendship. December Turquoise Prosperity. (423) 424: PRECIOUS STONES. Of the precious stones not included in the above list, the language is given below: Diamond Innocence. Pearl Purity. Cornelian Contented mind. Moonstone Protects from danger. Heliotrope Causing the owner to walk invisible University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed.