EPORTMENT
MANSERS, COHDUCT AHD DRESS
OF THE MOST REFINED SOCIETY j
Setter, StviMtaMcmA, tc., Stc.
ioni on &COIHC (
COMPILED FROM THE LATEST RELIABLE AUTHORITIES,
BY
JOHN H. YOUNG, A. M.
REVISED AND ILLUSTRATED.
F. B, DICKERSON & CO, PUBLISHERS.
DETROIT, MICH., ST. LOUIS, Mo., CINCINNATI, O., CHICAGO, ILL.
1 883
f0 00 t\m$ fyis life toitfy g00fc manners possessed,
' js to to Mn& unt0 all, rirjy, p0r anir
|0r Mnkes^ an& mertg are balms t|at toill
% S0rr0tos, tfee pins, an& tfee tes t|ai toe feel
COPYRIGHTED
FREEMAN B. DICKERSON,
1879 and 1881.
O one subject is of more im-
portance to people gener-
ally than a knowledge of
the rules, usages and cere-
monies of good society,
which are commonly ex-
pressed by the word "Eti-
quette." Its necessity is
felt wherever men and wo-
men associate together,
whether in the city, village,
or country town, at home
or abroad. To acquire a
thorough knowledge of these matters, and to put that
knowledge into practice with perfect ease and self-com-
placency, is what people call good breeding. To dis-
play an ignorance of them, is to subject the offender to
the opprobrium of being ill-bred.
In the compilation of this work, the object has been
to present the usages and rules which govern the most
refined American society, and to impa * that information
which will enable any one, in whatever circumstances
rai
4: PREFACE.
of life to acquire the perfect ease of a gentleman, or the
gentle manners and graceful deportment of a well-bred
lady, whose presence will be sought for, and who, by
their graceful deportment will learn the art of being at
home in any good society. s
The work is so arranged, that every subject is con-
veniently classified and subdivided; it is thus an easy
matter to refer at once to any given subject. It has
been the aim of the compiler to give minutely all points
that are properly embraced in a work on etiquette, even
upon matters of seemingly trivial importance. Upon
some hitherto disputed points, those rules are given,
which are sustained by the best authorities and endorsed
by good sense.
As the work is not the authorship of any one indi-
vidual, and as no individual, whatever may be his ac-
quirements, could have the presumption to dictate rules
for the conduct of society in general, it is therefore only
claimed that it is a careful compilation from all the best
and latest authorities upon the subject of etiquette and
kindred matters, while such additional material has been
embraced within its pages, as, it is hoped, will be found
of benefit and interest to every American household.
J. H. Y.
(frcwleuts.
CHAPTER I.
PAGE.
EJTBODUCTORY 18
CHAPTER II.
MANffEBS.
Good manners as an element of worldly success Manner an index of
character The true gentleman The true lady Importance of
trifles Value of pleasing manners Personal appearance
enhanced and fortunes made by pleasing manners Politeness
the outgrowth of good manners 20
CHAPTER III.
INTEODUCTIONB.
Acquaintances thus formed Promiscuous, informal and casual intro-
ductions Introduction of a gentleman to a lady and a lady to a
gentleman Introduction at a ball The manner of introduction
Introducing relatives Obligatory introductions Salutations
after introduction Introducing one's self Letters of introduc-
tionHow they are to be delivered Duty of a person to whom
a letter of introduction is addressed Letters of introduction for
business purposes 31
CHAPTER IV.
SALUTATIONS.
The salutation originally an act of worship Its form in different
nations The bow, its proper mode Words of salutation Man-
ner of bowing Duties of the young to older people How to
avoid recognition Etiquette of handshaking Kissing as a mode
of salutation The kiss of friendship The kiss of respect . . 4*
(5)
6 CONTENTS.
CHAPTER V.
ETIQUETTE ON CALLS.
Morning calls Evening calls Rules for formal calls Calls at Sum-
mer resorts Receptipn days Calls made by cards Returning
the first call Calls after a betrothal takes place Forming new
acquaintance by calls The first call, by whom to be made
Calls of Congratulation Visits of condolence Keeping an
account of calls Evening visits "Engaged" or "not at home"
to callers General rules relative to calls New Year's calls . 52
CHAPTER VI.
ETIQUETTE ON VISITING.
Seneral invitations not to be accepted The limit of a prolonged visit
Duties of a visitor Duties of the host or hostess True hospi-
tality Leave-taking Invitations to guests Forbearance with
children Guests making presents Treatment of a host's
friends 89
CHAPTER Vn.
ETIQUETTE OP OAEDS.
Visiting and calling cards Their size and style Wedding cards
Leaving cards in calling Cards for mother and daughter
Cards not to be sent in envelopes to return formal calls Glazed
cards not in fashion P. P. C. cards Cards of congratulation
When sent Leave cards in making first calls of the season and
after invitations Mourning cards Christmas and Easter cards
Cards of condolence Bridegroom's card 75
CHAPTER VIII.
OONVEESATION.
Character revealed by conversation Importance of conversing wel
Children should be trained to talk well Cultivation of tht
memory Importance of remembering names How Henrj
Clay acquired this habit Listening Writing down one's:
thoughts Requisites for a good talker Vulgarisms Flippancy
Sympathizing with another Bestowing compliments Slang
Flattery Scandal and gossip Satire and ridicule Religion
and politics to be avoidedBestowing of titles Interrupting
another while talkingAdaptability in conversation Correct
use of words Speaking one's mindProfanity Display of
knowledge Double entendres Impertinent questions Things
to be avoided in conversation Hobbies Fault-finding Dis-
putes 84
CONTENTS. 7
CHAPTER IX.
DINNER PARTIES. pAam>
Dinners are entertainments for married people Whom to invite
Forms of invitations Punctuality required The success of a
dinner party Table appointments Proper size of a dinner
party Arrangement of guests at table Serving dinner a la
Russe Duties of servants Serving the dishes General rules
regarding dinner Waiting on others Monopolizing conversa-
tionDuties of hostess and host Retiring from the table Calls
required after a dinner party Returning hospitalities Expen-
sive dinners not the most enjoyable Wines at dinners . . 106
CHAPTER X.
TABLE ETIQUETTE,
Importance of acquiring good habits at the table Table appoint-
ments for breakfast, luncheon and dinner Use of the knife and
fork Of the napkin Avoid fast eating and all appearance of
greediness General rules on the subject 188
CHAPTER XI.
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
Morning receptions The dress and refreshments for them Invita-
tions Musical matinees Parties in the country Five o'clock
teas and kettle-drums Requisites for a successful ball Intro-
ductions at a ball Receiving guests The number to invite
Duties of the guests General rules to be observed at balls
Some suggestions for gentlemen Duties of an escort Prepa-
rations for a ball The supper An after-call required . . 120
CHAPTER XII.
STREET ETIQUETTE.
The street manners of a lady Forming street acquaintances Recog-
nizing friends in the street Saluting a lady Passing through a
crowd The first to bow Do not lack politeness How a lady
and gentleman should walk together When to offer the lady
the arm Going up and down stairs Smoking in the streets
Carrying packages Meeting a lady acquaintance Corner
loafers Shouting in the street Shopping etiquette For public
conveyances Cutting acquaintances General suggestions . . 146
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XIII.
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLAGES. PAO m.
Conduct in church Invitations to opera, theatres and concerts Con-
duct in public .assemblages Remain until the performance
closes Conduct in picture galleries Behavior at charity fairs
Conduct at an artist's studio , 157
CHAPTER XIV.
TRAVELING ETIQUETTE.
Courtesies shown to ladies traveling alone Duties of an escort Duties
of a lady to her escort Ladies should assist other ladies traveling
alone The seats to be occupied in a railway car Discretion to
be used in forming acquaintances in traveling. . . . 167
CHAPTER XV.
BIDING AND DRIVING.
Learning to ride on horseback The gentleman's, duty as an escort in
riding How to assist a lady to mount Riding with ladies Assist-
ing a lady to alight from a horse Driving The seat of honor in
a carriage Trusting the driver 1T4
CHAPTER XVI.
OOUETSHIP.
Proper conduct of gentlemen and ladies toward each other Prema-
ture declaration of love Love at first sight Proper manner of
courtship Parents should [exercise authority over daughters
An acceptable suitor Requirements fora happy marriage Pro-
posals of marriage A gentleman should not press an unwelcome
suit A lady's refusal A doubtful answer Unladylike conduct
toward a suitor The rejected suitor Asking consent of parents
Presents after engagement Conduct and relations of the en-
gaged couple Lovers' quarrels Breaking an engagement . . 17v
CHAPTER XVIL
WEDDING ETIQUETTE.
Choice of bridemaids and groomsmen or ushers The bridal costume
Costumes of bridegroom and ushers Presents of the bride and
bridegroom Ceremonials at church when there are no bride-
CONTENTS. 9
PAQB.
maids or ushers Invitations to the ceremony alone The latest
ceremonials Weddings at home The evening wedding "At
home" receptions Calls The wedding ring Marriage ceremon-
ials of a widow Form of invitations to a reception Duties of in-
vited guests Of bridemaids and ushers Bridal presents Mas-
ter of ceremonies Wedding fees Congratulations The bridal
tour .... 194
CHAPTER
HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE.
Home the woman's kingdom Home companionship Conduct of hus-
band and wife Duties of the wife to her husband The wife a
helpmate The husband's duties 308
CHAPTER XIX.
HOME TEAININ&.
First lessons learned at home Parents should set good examples to
their children Courtesies in the home circle Early moral train-
ing of children The formation of their habits Politeness at
home Train children for some occupation Bad temper Sel-
fishness Home maxims . . 216
CHAPTER XX.
HOME CULTURE.
Cultivate moral courage The pernicious influence of indolence Self-
respect Result of good breeding at home Fault-finding and
grumbling Family jars not to be made public Conflicting inter-
estsReligious education Obedience Influence of example
The influence of books 22*
CHAPTER XXL
WOMAH'S HI&HEB EDUOATIOH.
Its importance Train young women to some occupation Education
of girls too superficial An education appropriate to each sex-
Knowledge of the laws of health needed by women Idleness the
source of all misery A spirit of independence Health ancl life
dependent upon a highr culture Cultivation of the moral sense 33
10 CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XXH.
THE LETTEE WEITER. PAOIt
Letter writing is an indication of good breeding Requirements for
correct writing Anonymous letters Note paper to be used-
Forms of letters and notes Forms of addressing notes and let-
ters Forms of signature Letters of introduction When to be
given Notes of invitation and replies thereto Acceptances and
regrets Formal invitations must be answered Letters of friend-
ship Love letters Business letters and correspondence Form
of letter requesting employment Regarding the character of a
servant Forms for notes, drafts, bills and receipts ... 343
CHAPTER XXni.
GENERAL BULES TO GOVERN CONDUCT.
Attention to the young in society Gracefulness of carriage Attitude,
coughing, sneezing, etc. Anecdotes, puns, etc. A sweet and
pure breath Smoking A good listener Give precedence to
others Be moderate in speaking Singing and playing in society
Receiving and making presents Governing our moods A lady
driving with a gentleman An invitation cannot be recalled
Avoid talking of personalities Shun gossip and tale bearing
Removing the hat Intruding on privacy Politeness Adapting
yourself to others Contradicting A woman's good name Ex-
pressing unfavorable opinions Vulgarities Miscellaneous rules
governing conduct Washington's maxims 286
CHAPTER XXIV.
ANNIVEESAET WEDDINGS.
How and when they are celebrated The paper, cotton and leather
weddings The wooden wedding The tin wedding The crystal
wedding The silver wedding The golden wedding The dia-
mond wedding Presents at anniversary weddings Forms of in-
vitations, etc 886
CHAPTER XXV.
BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS.
Naming the child The christening Godparents or sponsors Presents
from godparents The ceremony The breakfast Christening
gifts The hereof the day Fees 891
CONTENTS. 11
CHAPTER XXVL
FUNEBALS. PAQB<
Death notices and funeral invitations Arrangement for the funeral
The house of mourning Conducting the funeral services The
pall-bearers Order of the procession Floral and other decora-
tions Calls upon the bereaved family Seclusion of the family 296
CHAPTER XXVH.
ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON.
Social duties required of the President and his family Receptions at
the White House Order of official rank Duties required of
members of the cabinet and their families How to address
officials The first to visit 306
CHAPTER XXVIII.
ETIQUETTE OF FOKEIGN COUETB,
Foreign titles Royalty The nobility The gentry Esquires Impe-
rial rank European titles Presentation at the court of St.
James Those eligible and ineligible for presentation Prelimi-
nariesPresentation costumes 308
CHAPTER XXIX.
BUSINESS.
The example of a merchant prince Keep your temper Honesty the
best policy Form good habits Breaking an appointment
Prompt payment of bills, notes and drafts General suggestions 315
CHAPTER XXX.
DRESS.
Requirements for dressing well Perils of the love of dress to weak
minds Consistency in dress Extravagance Indifference to
dress Appropriate dress The wearing of gloves Evening or
full dress for gentlemen Morning dress for gentlemen Evening
or full dress for ladies Ball dresses The full dinner dress For
receiving and making morning calls Morning dress for street
Carriage dress Promenade dress and walking 1 suit Ooera
dress The riding dress For women of business Ordinary
12 CONTENTS.
PAGE.
evening dress For a social party Dress for the theater, lecture
and concert Archery, croquet aud skating costumes Bathing
dress For traveling The bridal costume Dress of bridemaids
At wedding receptions Mourning dress How long mourning
should be worn . 320
CHAPTER XXXI.
COLOBS AND THEIB HABMONY IN DBESS.
The proper arrangement of colors The colors adapted to different
persons Material for dress Size in relation to color and dress
A list of colors that harmonize .... . 341
CHAPTER XXXII.
THE TOILET.
Importance of neatness and cleanliness Perfumes The bath The
teeth and their care The skin The eyes, eyelashes and brows
The hair and beard The hands and feet 851
CHAPTER XXXIII.
TOILET BEOIPES.
To remove freckles, pimples and sunburn To beautify the complexion
To prevent the hair falling out Pomades and hair oils Sea
foam or dry shampoo To prevent the hair turning gray To
soften the skin To cleanse the teeth Remedy for chapped
hands For corns and chilblains, etc 37?
CHAPTER XXXIV.
SPOBTS, GAMES AND AMUSEMENTS.
Archery and its practice Lawn Tennis Boating Picnics Private
Theatricals Card playing S 98
CHAPTER XXXV.
LANGUAGE OF FLOWEBS,
CHAPTER XXXVL
PRECIOUS STONES, .428
CHAPTER I.
"Ingenious Art with her expressive face,
Steps forth to fashion and refine the race." COWPER.
KNOWLEDGE of etiquette has been
defined to be a knowledge of the
rules of society at its best. These
rules have been the outgrowth of
centuries of civilization, had their
foundation in friendship and love
of man for his fellow man the
vital principles of Christianity and are
most powerful agents for promoting
peace, harmony and good will among all
people who are enjoying the blessings of
more advanced civilized government. In all
civilized countries the influence of the best
society is of great importance to the welfare
and prosperity of the nation, but in no
country is the good influence of the most refined society
more powerfully felt than in our own, " the land of the
future, where mankind may plant, essay, and resolve all
social problems." These rules make social intercourse
more agreeable, and facilitate hospitalities, when all
(13)
14 INTRODUCTORY.
members of society hold them as binding rules and
faithfully regard their observance. They are to society
what our laws are to the people as a political body, and
to disregard them will give rise to constant misunder-
standings, engender ill-will, and beget bad morals and
bad manners.
Says an eminent English writer: "On manners,
refinement, rules of good breeding, and even the forms
of etiquette, we are forever talking, judging our, neigh-
bors severely by the breach of traditionary and unwrit-
ten laws, and choosing our society and even our friends
by the touchstone of courtesy." The Marchioness de
Lambert expressed opinions which will be endorsed by
the best bred people everywhere when she wrote to her
son : " Nothing is more shameful than a voluntary
rudeness. Men have found it necessary as well as
agreeable to unite for the common good; they have
made laws to restrain the wicked; they have agreed
among themselves as to the duties of society, and have
annexed an honorable character to the practice of those
duties. He is the honest man who observes them with
the most exactness, and the instances of them multiply
in proportion to the degree of nicety of a person's
honor."
Originally a gentleman was defined to be one who,
without any title of nobility, wore a coat of arms. And
the descendants of many of the early colonists preserve
with much pride and care the old armorial bearings
which their ancestors brought with them from their
homes ; j the mother country. Although despising
INTRODUCTORY. 15
titles and ignoring the rights of kings, they still clung
to the "grand old name of gentleman." But race is no
longer the only requisite for a gentleman, nor will race
united with learning and wealth make a man a gentle-
man, unless there are present the kind and gentle quali-
ties of the heart, which find expression in the principles
of the Golden Rule. Nor will race, education and wealth
combined make a woman a true lady if she shows a
want of refinement and consideration of the feelings of
others.
Good manners are only acquii-ed by education and
observation, followed up by habitual practice at home
and in society, and good manners reveal to us the lady
and the gentleman. He who does not possess them,
though he bear the highest title of nobility, cannot
expect to be called a gentleman; nor can a woman,
without good manners, aspire to be considered a lady
by ladies. Manners and morals are indissolubly allied,
and no society can be good where they are bad. It is
the duty of American women to exercise their influence
to form so high a standard of morals and manners that
the tendency of society will be continually upwards,
seeking to make it the best society of any nation.
As culture is the first requirement of good society, so
self -improvement should be the aim of each -and all of
its members. Manners will improve with the cultiva-
tion of the mind, until the pleasure and harmony of
social intercourse are no longer marred by the introduc-
tion of discordant elements, and they only will be
excluded from the best society whose lack of education
16 INTRODUCTORY.
and whose rude manners will totally unfit them for its
enjoyments and appreciation. Good manners are even
more essential to harmony in society than a good educa-
tion, and may be considered as valuable an acquisition
as knowledge in any form.
The principles of the Golden Rule, " whatsoever ye
would that men should do to you, do ye even so to
them," is the basis of all true politeness principles
which teach us to forget ourselves, to be kind to our
neighbors, and to be civil even to our enemies. The
appearance of so being and doing is what society
demands as good manners, and the man or woman
trained to this mode of life is regarded as well-bred.
The people, thus trained, are easy to get along with, for
they are as quick to make an apology when they have
been at fault, as they are to accept one when it is
made. "The noble-hearted only understand the noble-
hearted."
In a society where the majority are rude from the
thoughtf ulness of ignorance, or remiss from the insolence
of bad breeding, the iron rule, " Do unto others, as they
do unto you," is more often put into practice than the
golden one. The savages know nothing of the virtues
of forgiveness, and regard those who are not revengeful
as wanting in spirit; so the ill-bred do not understand
undeserved civilities extended to promote the general
interests of society, and to carry out the injunction of
the Scriptures to strive after the things that make for
peace.
Society is divided into sets, according to their breed-
17
ing. One set may be said to have no breeding at all,
another to have a little, another more, and another
enough; and between the first and last of these, there
are more shades than in the rainbow. Good manners
are the same in essence everywhere at courts, in fash-
ionable society, in literary circles, in domestic life
they never change, but social observances, customs and
points of etiquette, vary with the age and with the
people.
A French writer has said: "To be truly polite, it is
necessary to be, at the same time, good, just, and gen-
erous. True politeness is the outward visible sign of
those inward spiritual graces called modesty, unselfish-
ness and generosity. The manners of a gentleman are
the index of his souL His speech is innocent, because
his life is pure; his thoughts are right, because his
actions are upright; his bearing is gentle, because his
feelings, his impulses, and his training are gentle also.
A gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pre-
tence. He avoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mere
ceremonies have no attraction for him. He seeks not to
say any civil things, but to do them. His hospitality,
though hearty and sincere, will be strictly regulated by
his means. His friends will be chosen for their good
qualities and good manners; his servants for their truth-
fulness and honesty; his occupations for their usefulness,
their gracefulness or their elevating tendencies, whether
moral, mental or political."
In the same general tone does Ruskin describe a
gentleman, when he says: "A gentleman's first char-
18 INTRODUCTORY.
acteristic is that fineness of structure in the body
which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation,
and of that structure in the mind which renders it
capable of the most delicate sympathies one may say,
simply, ' fineness of nature.' This is, of course, compati-
ble with the heroic bodily strength and mental firmness;
in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable without such
delicacy. Elephantine strength may drive its way
through a forest and feel no touch of the boughs, but
the white skin of Homer's Atrides would have felt a
bent rose-leaf, yet subdue its feelings in the glow of
battle and behave itself like iron. I do not mean to call
an elephant a vulgar animal; but if you think about
him carefully, you will find that his non- vulgarity con-
sists in such gentleness as is possible to elephantine
nature not in his insensitive hide nor in his clumsy
foot, but in the way he will lift his foot if a child lies
in his way, and in his sensitive trunk and still more
sensitive mind and capability of pique on points of
honor. Hence it will follow that one of the probable
signs of high breeding in men generally, will be their
kindness and mercifulness, these always indicating
more or less firmness of make in the mind."
Can any one fancy what our society might be, if all
its members were perfect gentlemen and true ladies, if
all the inhabitants of the earth were kind-hearted; if,
instead of contending with the faults of our fellows we
were each to wage war against our own faults ? Every
one needs to guard constantly against the evil from
INTRODUCTORY. 19
within as well as from without, for as has been truly-
said, "a man's greatest foe dwells in his own heart."
A recent English writer says: "Etiquette may be
defined as the minor morality of life. No observances,
however minute, that tend to spare the feelings of
others, can be classed under the head of trivialities ; and
politeness, which is but another name for general
amiability, will oil the creaking wheels of life more
effectually than any of those unguents supplied by mere
wealth and station." While the social observances,
customs and rules which have grown up are numerous,
and some perhaps considered trivial, they are all
grounded upon principles of kindness to one another,
and spring from the impulses of a good heart and from
friendly feelings. The truly polite man acts from the
highest and noblest ideas of what is right.
Lord Chesterfield declared good breeding to be "the
result of much good sense, some good nature and a
little self-denial for the sake of others, and with a view
to obtain the same indulgence from them." Again he
says: " Good sense and good nature suggest civility in
general, but in good breeding there are a thousand little
delicacies which are established only by custom."
CHAPTER II.
O one quality of the mind and heart
ifi more important as an element con-
ducive to worldly success than civili-
ty that feeling of kindness and
love for our fellow-beings which is
expressed in pleasing manners. Yet
how many of our young men, with
an affected contempt for the forms and
conventionalities of life, assume to despise
those delicate attentions, that exquisite
tenderness of thought and manner, that
mark the true gentleman.
MANNERS AS AN ELEMENT OF SUCCESS.
History repeats, over and over again, examples show-
ing that it is the bearing of a man toward his fellow-
men which, more than any other one quality of his
naturej. promotes or retards his advancement in life.
The success or failure of one's plans have often turned
upon the address and manner of the man. Though
there are a few people who can look beyond the rough
husk or shell of a fellow-being to the finer qualities
(201
OTJK MANNERS. 21
hidden within, yet the vast majority, not so keen-
visaged nor tolerant, judge a person by his appearance
and demeanor, more than by his substantial character.
Experience of every day life teaches us, if we would
but learn, that civility is not only one of the essentials
of high success, but that it is almost a fortune of itself,
and that he who has this quality in perfection, though a
blockhead, is almost sure to succeed where, without it,
even men of good ability fail.
A good manner is the best letter of recommendation
among strangers. Civility, refinement and gentleness
are passports to hearts and homes, while awkwardness,
coarseness and gruffness are met with locked doors and
closed hearts. Emerson says: " Give a boy address and
accomplishments, and you give him the mastery of pal-
aces and fortunes wherever he goes ; he has not the
trouble of earning or owning them; they solicit him to
enter and possess."
In every class of life, in all professions and occupa-
tions, good manners are necessary to success. The busi-
ness man has no stock-in-trade that pays him better than
a good address. If the retail dealer wears his hat on
his head in the presence of ladies who come to buy of
him, if he does not see that the heavy door of his shop
is opened and closed for them, if he seats himself in
their presence, if he smokes a pipe or cigar, or has a
chew of tobacco in his mouth, while talking with them,
or is guilty of any of the small incivilities of life, they
will not be apt to make his shop a rendezvous, no mat-
ter how attractive the goods he displays.
22 OUB MANNERS.
A telling preacher in his opening remarks gains the
good will of his hearers, and makes them feel both that
he has something to say, and that he can say it, by his
manner. The successful medical man inspires in his pa-
tients belief in his sympathy, and confidence in his skill,
by his manner. The lawyer, in pleading a case before
a jury, and remembering that the passions and preju-
dices of the jurymen govern them to as great an extent
as pure reason, must not be forgetful of his manner, if
he would bring them to his own way of thinking. And
how often does the motto, " Manners make the man,"
govern both parties in matters of courtship, the lady
giving preference to him whose manners indicate a true
nobility of the soul, and the gentleman preferring her
who displays in her manner a gentleness of spirit.
MANXES AN INDEX OP CHABACTEB.
A rude person, though well meaning, is avoided by
all. Manners, in fact, are minor morals; and a rude
person is often assumed to be a bad person. The man-
ner in which a person says or does a thing, furnishes a
better index of his character than what he does or says,
for it is by the incidental expression given to his
thoughts and feelings, by his looks, tones and gestures,
rather than by his words and deeds, that we prefer to
judge him, for the reason that the former are involun-
tary. The manner in which a favor is granted or a
kindness done, often affects us more than the deed itself.
The deed may have been prompted by vanity, pride, or
some selfish motive or interest; the warmth or coldness
OUK MANNEBS. 23
with which the person who has done it speaks to you,
or grasps your hand, is less likely to deceive. The
manner of doing any thing, it has been truly said, is
that which stamps its life and character on any action.
A favor may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent
r.ny feeling of obligation, or it may be refused so cour-
teously as to awaken more kindly feelings than if it had
been ungraciously granted.
THB TRUE GENTLEMAN.
Politeness is benevolence in small things. A true
gentleman must regard the rights and feelings of others,
even in matters the most trivial. He respects the indi-
viduality of others, just as he wishes others to respect
his own. In society he is quiet, easy, unobtrusive, put-
ting on no airs, nor hinting by word or manner that he
deems himself better, or wiser, or richer than any one
^bout him. He never boasts of his achievements, or
rishes for compliments by affecting to underrate what he
has done. He is distinguished, above all things, by his
deep insight and sympathy, his quick perception of, and
prompt attention to, those small and apparently insig-
nificant things that may cause pleasure or pain to
others. In giving his opinions he does not dogmatize;
he listens patiently and respectfully to other men, and,
if compelled to dissent from their opinions, acknowl-
edges his fallibility and asserts his own views in such a
manner as to command the respect of all who hear him.
Frankness and cordiality mark all his intercourse with
24 OUB MANNERS.
his fellows, and, however high his station, the humblest
man feels instantly at ease in his presence.
THE TRUE LADY.
Calvert says: "Ladyhood is an emanation from the
heart subtilized by culture ;" giving as two requisites
for the highest breeding, transmitted qualities and the
culture of good training. He continues: " Of the
higher type of ladyhood may always be said what
Steele said of Lady Elizabeth Hastings, * that unaf-
fected freedom and conscious innocence gave her the
attendance of the graces in all her actions.' At its
highest, ladyhood implies a spirituality made manifest
in poetic grace. From the lady there exhales a subtle
magnetism. Unconsciously she encircles herself with
an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those
who come into it, gives confidence and repose. Within
her influence the diffident grow self-possessed, the impu-
dent are checked, the inconsiderate are admonished;
even the rude are constrained to be mannerly, and the
refined are perfected; all spelled, unawares, by the flex-
ible dignity, the commanding gentleness, the thorough
womanliness of her look, speech and demeanor. A
sway is this, purely spiritual. Every sway, every legiti-
mate, every enduring sway is spiritual; a regnancy of
light over obscurity, of right over brutality. The only
real gains ever made are spiritual gains a further sub-
jection of the gross to the incorporeal, of body to soul,
of the animal to the human. The finest and^most char-
acteristic acts of a lady involve a spiritual ascension, a
OUK MANNERS. 25
growing out of herself. In her being and bearing, pa-
tience, generosity, benignity are the graces that give
shape to the virtues of truthfulness."
Here is the test of true ladyhood. Whenever the
young find themselves in the company of those who do
not make them feel at ease, they should know that they
are not in the society of true ladies and true gentlemen,
but of pretenders; that well-bred men and women can
only feel at home in the society of the well-bred.
THE IMPORTANCE OF TRIFLES.
Some people are wont to depreciate these kind and ten-
der qualities as trifles; but trifles, it must be remembered,
make up the aggregate of human life. The petty incivili-
ties, slight rudenesses and neglects of which men are
guilty, without thought, or from lack of foresight or sym-
pathy, are often remembered, while the great acts per-
formed by the same persons are often forgotten. There is
no society where smiles, pleasant looks and animal spirits
are not welcomed and deemed of more importance than
sallies of wit, or refinements of understanding. The lit-
tle civilities, which form the small change of life may
appear separately of little moment, but, like the spare
pennies which amount to such large fortunes in a life-
time, they owe their importance to repetition and accum-
ulation.
VALUE OF PLEASING MANNERS.
The man who succeeds in any calling in life is almost
invariably he who has shown a willingness to please and
to be pleased, who has responded heartily to the advan-
26 CUE MANNERS.
ces of others, through nature and habit, while his rival
has sniffed and frowned and snubbed away every help-
ing hand. " The charming mauners of the Duke of
Marlborough," it is said, " often changed an enemy to a
friend, and to be denied a favor by him was more pleas-
ing than to receive one from another. It was these per-
sonal graces that made him both rich and great. His
address was so exquisitely fascinating as to dissolve
fierce jealousies and animosities, lull suspicion and
beguile the subtlest diplomacy of its arts. His fascin-
ating smile and winning tongue, equally with his sharp
sword, swayed the destinies of empires." The gracious
manners of Charles James Fox preserved him from per-
sonal dislike, even when he had gambled away his last
shilling, and politically, was the most unpopular man in
England.
MANNERS AND PERSONAL APPEARANCE.
A charming manner not only enhances personal
beauty, but even hides ugliness and makes plainness
agreeable. An ill-favored countenance is not neces-
sarily a stumbling-block, at the outset, to its owner,
which cannot be surmounted, for who does not know
how much a happy manner often does to neutralize the
ill effects of forbidding looks ? The fascination of the
demagogue TVilkes's manner triumphed over both phys-
ical and moral deformity, rendering even his ugliness
agreeable; and he boasted to Lord Townsend, one of the
handsomest men in Great Britain, that "with half an
hour's start he would get ahead of his lordship in the
CUE MANNERS. 27
affections of any woman in the kingdom." The ugliest
Frenchman, perhaps, that ever lived was Mirabeau; yet
such was the witchery of his manner, that the belt of no
gay Lothario was hung with a greater number of bleed-
ing female hearts than this " thunderer of the tribune,"
O
whose looks were so hideous that he was compared to a
tiger pitted with the small-pox.
FOETUSES MADE BY PLEASING MANNERS.
Pleasing manners have made the fortunes of men in
all professions and in every walk of life of lawyers,
doctors, clergymen, merchants, clerks and mechanics
and instances of this are so numerous that they may be
recalled by almost any person. The politician who has
the advantage of a courteous, graceful and pleasing man-
ner finds himself an easy winner in the race with rival
candidates, for every voter with whom he speaks becomes
instantly his friend. Civility is to a man what beauty is
to a woman. It creates an instantaneous impression in
his behalf, while gruffness or coarseness excites as quick
a prejudice against him. It is an ornament, worth more
as a means of winning favor than the finest clothes
and jewels ever worn. Lord Chesterfield said the art of
pleasing is, in truth, the art of rising, of distinguishing
one's self, of making a figure and a fortune in the world.
Some years ago a drygoods salesman in a London shop
had acquired such a reputation for courtesy and exhaust-
less patience, that it was said to be impossible to pro-
voke from him any expression of irritability, or the
smallest symptom of vexation. A lady of rank learning
28 OUR MANNERS.
of his wonderful equanimity, determined to put it to the
test by all the annoyances with which a veteran shop-
visitor knows how to tease a shopman. She failed in
her attempt to vex or irritate him, and thereupon set
him up in business. He rose to eminence in trade, and
the main spring of his later, as of his earlier career, was
politeness. Hundreds of men, like this salesman, have
owed their start in life wholly to their pleasing address
and manners.
CULTIVATION OP GOOD MANNERS.
The cultivation of pleasing, affable manners should be
an important part of the education of every person of
whatever calling or station in life. Many people think
that if they have only the substance, the form is of lit-
tle consequence. But manners are a compound of spirit
and form spirit acted into form. The first law of
good manners, which epitomizes all the rest is, " Thou
shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." True courtesy is
simply the application of this golden rule to all our
social conduct, or, as it has been happily defined, " real
kindness, kindly expressed." It may be met in the hut
of the Arab, in the courtyard of the Turk, in the hovel
of the freedman, and the cottage of the Irishman. Even
Christian men sometimes fail in courtesy, deeming it a
mark of weakness, or neglecting it from mere thought-
lessness. Yet when we find this added to the other vir-
tues of the Christian, it will be noted that his influence
for good upon others has been powerfully increased, for
it was by this that he obtained access to the hearts of
OUR MANNERS. 29
others. An old English writer said reverently of our
Saviour: "He was the first true gentleman that ever
lived." The influence of many good men would be
more than doubled if they could manage to be less stiff
and more elastic. Gentleness in society, it has been
truly said, " is like the silent influence of light which
gives color to all nature; it is far more powerful than
loudness or force, and far more fruitful. It pushes its
way silently and persistently like the tiniest daffodil in
spring, which raises the clod and thrusts it aside by the
simple persistence of growing."
POLITENESS.
Politeness is kindness of manner,, This is the out-
growth of kindness of heart, of nobleness, and of cour-
age. But in some persons we find an abundance of
courage, nobleness and kindness of heart, without kind-
ness of manner, and we can only think and speak of
them as not only impolite, but even rude and gruff.
Such a man was Dr. Johnson, whose rudeness secured
for him the nickname of Ursa Major, and of whom
Goldsmith truthfully remarked, " No man alive has a
more tender heart; he has nothing of the bear about him
but his skin." To acquire that ease and grace of man-
ners which is possessed by and which distinguishes
every well-bred person, one must think of others rather
than of himself, and study to please them even at his
own inconvenience. " Do unto others as you would
that others should do unto you" the golden rule of
life is also the law of politeness, and such politeness
30 OUR MANNEES.
implies self-sacrifice, many struggles and conflicts. It
is an art and tact, rather than an instinct and inspira-
tion. An eminent divine has said: "A noble and
attractive every-day bearing comes of goodness, of
sincerity, of refinement. And these are bred in years,
not moments. The principle that rules our life is the
sure posture-master. Sir Philip Sidney was the pattern
to all England of a perfect gentleman; but then he was
the hero that, on the field of Zutphen. pushed away the
cup of cold water from his own fevered and parched
lips, and held it out to the dying soldier at his side." A
Christian by the very conditions of his creed, and the
obligations of his faith is, of necessity, in mind and soul
and therefore in word and act a gentleman, but a
man may be polite without being a Christian.
CHAPTER III.
N acquaintanceship or friendship
usually begins by means of intro-
tions, though it is by no means
uncommon that when it has taken
place under other circumstances
without introduction it has been
a great advantage to both parties;
nor can it be said that it is improper to
begin an acquaintance in this way. The
formal introduction has been called the
highway to the beginning of friendship,
and the "scraped" acquaintance the by-path.
PROMISCUOUS INTRODUCTION.
There is a large class of people who introduce
friends and acquaintances to everybody they meet,
whether at home or abroad, whije walking or riding
out. Such promiscuous introductions are neither neces-
sary, desirable, nor at all times agreeable.
AN INTRODUCTION A SOCIAL ENDORSEMENT.
It is to be remembered that an introduction ie
regarded as ' a social endorsement of the person intro
era
32 INTRODUCTIONS.
duced, and that, under certain circumstances, it would
be wrong to introduce to our friends casual acquain-
tances, of whom we know nothing, and who may after-
wards prove to be anything but desirable persons to
know. Care should be taken, therefore, in introducing
two individuals, that the introduction be mutually
agreeable. Whenever it is practicable, it is best to
settle the point by inquiring beforehand. When this is
inexpedient from any cause, a thorough acquaintance
with both parties will warrant the introducer to judge
of the point for him or herself.
UNIVERSAL INTRODUCTIONS.
While the habit of universal introductions is a bad
one, there are many men in cities and villages who are
not at all particular whom they introduce to each other.
As a general rule, a man should be as careful about the
character of the person he introduces to his friends, as
he is of him whose notes he would endorse.
THE INTRODUCTION OP A GENTLEMAN TO A LADY.
A gentleman should not be introduced to a lady,
unless her permission has been previously obtained, and
no one should ever be introduced into the house of a
friend, except permission is first granted. Such intro-
ductions, however, are frequent, but they are improper,
for a person cannot know that an introduction of this
kind will be agreeable. If a person asks you to intro-
duce him to another, or a gentleman asks to be intro-
duced to a lady, and you find the introduction would
INTRODUCTIONS. 33
not be agreeable to the other party, you may decline on
the grounds that you are not sufficiently intimate to
take that liberty.
When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both bow
slightly, and the gentleman opens conversation. It is
the place of the one who is introduced to make the first
remark.
INFORMAL INTRODUCTION.
It is not strictly necessary that acquaintanceship
should wait a formal introduction. Persons meeting at
the house of a common friend may consider that fact a
sufficient warrant for the preliminaries of acquaintance-
ship, if there appears to be a mutual inclination toward
such acquaintanceship. The presence of a person in a
friend's house is a sufficient guaranty for his or her re-
spectability. Gentlemen and ladies may form acquaint-
ances in traveling, on a steamboat, in a railway car, or
a Btage-coach, without the formality of an introduction.
Such acquaintanceship should be conducted with a cer-
tain amount of reserve, and need not be prolonged be-
yond the time of casual meeting. The slightest ap-
proach to disrespect or familiarity should be checked
by dignified silence. A young lady, however, is not
accorded the same privilege of forming acquaintances
as is a married or elderly lady, and should be careful
about doing so.
INTRODUCTIONS AT A BALL.
It is the part of the host and hostess at a ball to
introduce their guests, though guests may, with perfect
34- INTRODUCTIONS.
propriety, introduce each other, or, as already intimated,
may converse with one another without the ceremony
of a formal introduction. A gentleman, before intro-
ducing his friends to ladies, should obtain permission of
the latter to do so, unless he is perfectly sure, from his
knowledge of the ladies, that the introductions will be
agreeable. The ladies should always grant such permis-
sion, unless there is a strong reason for refusing. The
French, and to some extent the English, dispense with
introductions at a private ball. The fact that they have
been invited to meet each other is regarded as a guar-
anty that they are fit to be mutually acquainted, and is
a sufficient warrant for self -introduction. At a public
ball partners must be introduced to each other. Special
introducing may be made with propriety by the master
of ceremonies. At public balls it is well for ladies to
dance only, or for the most part, with gentlemen of
their own party, or those with whom they have had a
previous acquaintance.
THB MANNER OP INTRODUCTION.
The proper form of introduction is to present the
gentleman to the lady, the younger to the older, the in-
ferior in social standing to the superior. In introducing,
you bow to the lady and say, " Miss C., allow me to
introduce to you Mr. D. Mr. D., Miss C." It is the
duty of Mr. I>. upon bowing to say, " It gives me great
pleasure to form your acquaintance, Miss C.," or a re-
mark of this nature.
If gentlemen are to be introduced to one another, the
INTRODUCTIONS. 35
form is, " Col. Blank, permit me to introduce to you Mr.
Cole. Mr. Cole, Col. Blank." The exact words of an
introduction are immaterial, so long as the proper form
and order it preserved.
The word '* present " is often used in place of " intro-
duce." Whilf it is customary to repeat the names of
the two parties * Produced at the close of the introduc-
tion, it is often omitted as a useless formality. It is of
the utmost importance that each name should be spoken
distinctly. If either of the parties does not distinctly
hear the name of the other he should say at once, with-
out hesitation or embarrassment, before making the
bow, "I beg your pardon; I did not catch (or under-
stand) the name," when it may be repeated to him.
If several persons are to be introduced to one indi-
vidual, mention the name of the single individual first,
and then call the others in succession, bowing slightly
as each name is pronounced.
It is the part of true politeness, after introductions,
to explain to each person introduced something of the
business or residence of each, as they will assist in
opening conversation. Or, if one party has recently
returned from a foreign trip, it is courteous to say so.
CASUAL INTRODUCTIONS.
While it is not necessary to introduce people who
chance to meet in your house during a morning call;
yet, if there is no reason for supposing that such an
introduction will be objectionable to either party, it
seems better to give it, as it sets both parties at ease in
36 INTRODUCTIONS.
conversation. Acquaintanceship may or may not follow
such an introduction, at the option of the parties.
People who meet at the house of a mutual friend
need not recognize each other as acquaintances if they
meet again elsewhere, unless they choose to do so.
INTRODUCING RELATIVES.
In introducing members of your own family, be care-
ful not only to specify the degree of relationship, but
to give the name also. It is awkward to a stranger to-
be introduced to " My brother Tom," or " My sister
Carrie." When either the introducer or the introduced
is a married lady, the name of the party introduced can
only be guessed at.
BESTOWING OF TITLES.
In introducing a person give him his appropriate title.
If he is a clergyman, say " The Rev. Mr. Clark." If a
doctor of divinity, say " The Rev. Dr. Clark." If he
is a member of Congress, call him " Honorable," and
specify to which branch of Congress he belongs. If he
is governor of a State, mention what State. If he is.
a man of any celebrity in the world of art or letters, it
is well to mention the fact something after this manner:
"Mr. Fish, the artist, whose pictures you have fre-
quently seen," or "Mr. Hart, author of 'Our Future
State,' which you so greatly admired."
OBLIGATORY INTRODUCTIONS.
A friend visiting at your house must be introduced to
all callers, and courtesy requires the latter to cultivate
INTRODUCTIONS. 3T
the acquaintance while your visitor remains with you.
If you are the caller introduced, you must show the same
attention to the friend of your friend that you wish
shown your own friends under the same circumstances.
Persons meeting at public places need not introduce
each other to the strangers who may chance to be with
them; and, even if the introduction does take place, the
acquaintance need not be continued unless desired.
THE OBLIGATION OP AN INTRODUCTION.
Two persons who have been properly introduced have
in future certain claims upon one another's acquaintance
which should be recognized, unless there are sufficient
reasons for overlooking them. Even in that case good
manners require the formal bow of recognition upon
meeting, which, of itself, encourages no familiarity.
Only a very ill-bred person will meet another with a
stare.
THE SALUTATION AFTER INTRODUCTION.
A slight bow is all that is required by courtesy, after
an introduction. Shaking hands is optional, and it
should rest with the older, or the superior in social stand-
ing to make the advances. It is often an act of kind-
ness on their part, and as such to be commended. It is
a common practice among gentlemen, when introduced
to one another, to shake hands, and as it evinces more
cordiality than a mere bow, is generally to be preferred.
An unmarried lady should not shake hands with gentle-
men indiscriminately.
88 INTRODUCTIONS.
THE FIRST TO RECOGNIZE.
It is the privilege of the lady to determine whether
she will recognize a gentleman after an introduction, and
he is bound to return the bow. In bowing to a lady on
the street, it is not enough that a gentleman should touch
his hat, he should lift it from his head.
THE "CUT DIRECT."
The " cut direct," which is given by a prolonged stare
at a person, if justified at all, can only be in case of
extraordinary and notoriously bad conduct on the part
of the individual " cut," and is very seldom called for.
If any one wishes to avoid a bowing acquaintance with
another, it can be done by looking aside or dropping
the eyes. It is an invariable rule of good society, that
a gentleman cannot "cut" a lady under any circum-
stances, but circumstrances may arise when he may be
excused for persisting in not meeting her eyes, for if
their eyes meet, he must bow.
MEETING US THE STSEET.
If, while walking with one friend, in the street, you
meet another and stop a moment to speak with the lat-
ter, it is not necessary to introduce the two who are
strangers to one another; but, when you separate, the
friend who accompanies you gives a parting salutation,
the same as yourself. The same rule applies if the
friend you meet chances to be a lady.
INTEODUCTION8. 39
raTBODTJCING YOUESELF.
If, on entering a drawing-room to pay a visit, you are
not recognized, mention your name immediately. If
you know but one member of the family and you find
others only in the room, introduce yourself to them.
Unless this is done, much awkwardness may be occas-
ioned.
ABOUT SHAKING HANDS.
When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she should
merely bow but not give her hand, unless the gentleman
is a well known friend of some member of the family.
In that case she may do so if she pleases, as a mark of
esteem or respect. A gentleman must not offer to shake
hands with a lady until she has made the first movement.
A married lady should extend her hand upon being
introduced to a stranger brought to her house by her
husband, or by a common friend, as an evidence of her
cordial welcome.
LETTEES OP INTEODUCTION.
Friendly letters of introduction should only be given
to personal friends, introducing them, and only ad-
dressed to those with whom the writer has a strong
personal friendship. It is not only foolish, but positively
dangerous to give such a letter to a person with whom
the writer is but slightly acquainted, as you may thus
give your countenance and endorsement to a person who
will take advantage of your carelessness to bring you
mio embarrassing and mortifying positions. Again, you
40 INTRODUCTIONS.
should never address a letter of introduction to any but
an intimate friend of long standing, and even then it
should not be done, unless you are perfectly satisfied that
the person you are to introduce will be an agreeable and
congenial person for your friend to meet, as it would be
very annoying to send to your friend a visitor who would
prove to him disagreeable. Even amongst friends of
long standing such letters should be given very cau-
tiously and sparingly.
The form of letters of introduction is given in the
chapter on "Letter-writing."
DELIVERING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.
~It Is not necessary to deliver a friendly letter of intro-
duction to a person who resides in another town. It is
better to send it to the person to whom it is directed, on
your arrival, accompanied by your card of address. If
he wishes to comply with the request of his friend he
will call upon you, and give you an invitation to visit
him; circumstances, however, might render it exceed-
ingly inconvenient, or impossible for the person to whom
the letter is addressed, to call upon you; consequently a
neglect to call need not be considered a mark of ill-
breeding, though by some people it is so considered.
The person addressed must consult his own feelings in
the matter, and while aiming to do what is right, he is
not bound to sacrifice business or other important mat-
ters to attend to the entertainment of a friend's friend.
In such a case he may send his own card to the address
INTKODUCnONS. 4:1
of the person bearing the letter of introduction, and the
latter is at liberty to call upon him at his leisure.
THE DUTY OP THE PERSON ADDRESSED.
In Europe it is the custom for a person with a letter
of introduction to make the first call, but in this coun-
try we think that a stranger should never be made to
feel that he is begging our attention, and that it is
indelicate for him to intrude until he is positive that his
company would be agreeable. Consequently, if it is
your wish and in your power to welcome any one
recommended to you by letter from a friend, or to show
your regard for your friend's friend, you must call upon
him with all possible dispatch, after you receive his
letter of introduction, and give him as hospitable a
reception and enterta"_ment as it is possible to give,
and such as you would be pleased to receive were you
in his place.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES.
Letters of introduction to and from business men may
be delivered by the bearers in person, and etiquette does
not require the receiver to entertain the person intro-
duced as a friend of the writer. It is entirely optional
with the person to whom the latter is introduced how
he welcomes irim, or whether he entertains him or not,
though his courtesy would be apt to suggest that some
kind attentions should be paid him.
CHAPTER IV.
'ARLYLE says: "What we call 'for-
mulas ' are not in their origin bad;
they are indisputably good. Formula
is method, habitude; found wherever
man is found. Formulas fashion
themselves as paths do, as beaten
highways leading toward some
sacred, high object, whither many men
are bent. Cx>ns_.ier it: One man full of
heartfelt, earnest impulse finds out a way
of doing something were it uttering his
soul's reverence for the Highest, were it but
of fitly saluting his fellow-man. An inventor
was needed to do that, a poet; he has articu-
lated the dim, struggling thought that dwelt in his own
and many hearts. This is the way of doing that.
These are his footsteps, the beginning of a * path.' And
now see the second man travels naturally in the foot-
steps of his foregoer; it is the easiest method. In the
footsteps of his foregoer, yet with his improvements,
with changes where such seem good; at all events with
enlargements, the path ever widening itself as more
(48)
SALUTATIONS. 43
travel it, till at last there is a broad highway, whereon
the whole world may travel and drive."
SALUTATION ORIGINALLY AN ACT OP WORSHIP.
A lady writer of distinction says of salutations: "It
would seem that good manners were originally the
expression of submission from the weaker to the
stronger. In a rude state of society every salutation is
to this day an act of worship. Hence the commonest
acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with which we are
now familiar, date from those earlier stages when the
strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated his
allegiance by studied servility. Let us take, for
example, the words ' sir ' and ' madam.' * Sir ' is derived
from seigneur, sieur, and originally meant lord, king,
ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The title of
sire was last borne by some of the ancient feudal
families of France, who, as Selden .has said, 'affected
rather to be styled by the name of sire than baron, as
Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.' 'Madam* or
'madame,' corrupted by servants into 'ma'am,' and by
Mrs. Gamp and her tribe into 'mum,' is in substance
equivalent to 'your exalted,' or 'your highness,'
madame originally meaning high-born, or stately, and
being applied only to ladies of the highest rank.
" To turn to our every -day forms of salutation. We
take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow
on being introduced to strangers. We rise when
visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our hand to
our friend as he passes the window or drives away from
44 SALUTATIONS.
our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes
on the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the
Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The
Siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a Russian
noble. Each of these acts has a primary, an historical
significance. The very word 'salutation,' in the first
place, derived as it is from salutatio, the daily homage
paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself
a history of manners.
" To bare the head was originally an act of submis-
sion to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified prostra-
tion. A lady's courtesy is a modified genuflection.
Rising and standing are acts of homage; and when we
wave our hand to a friend on the opposite side of the
street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans, who,
as Selden tells us, used to stand ' somewhat off before
the images of their gods, solemnly moving the right
hand to the lips and casting it, as if they had cast
kisses.' Again, men remove the glove when they shake
hands with a lady a custom evidently of feudal origin.
The knight removed his iron gauntlet, the pressure of
which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a
fair chatelaine ; and the custom, which began in neces-
sity, has traveled down to us as a point of etiquette."
SALUTATIONS OF DIFFERENT NATIONS.
Each nation has its own method of salutation. In
Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In Lap-
land your friend rubs his nose against yours. The Turk
folds his arms upon his breast and bends his head very
SALUTATIONS. 45
low. The Moors of Morocco have a somewhat startling
mode of salutation. They ride at a gallop toward a
stranger, as though they would unhorse him, and when
close at hand suddenly check their horse and fire a
pistol over the person's head. The Egyptian solicitously
asks you, "How do you perspire ?" and lets his hand fall
to the knee. The Chinese bows low and inquires,
" Have you eaten?" The Spaniard says, " God be with
you, sir," or, " How do you stand?" And the Neapoli-
tan piously remarks, " Grow in holiness." The German
asks, " How goes it with you?" The Frenchman bows
profoundly and inquires, " How do you carry yourself."
Foreigners are given to embracing. In France and
Germany the parent kisses his grown-up son on the
forehead, men throw their arms around the necks of
their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers. It is a
curious sight to Americans, with their natural pre-
judices against publicity in kissing.
In England and America there are three modes of
salutation the bow, the hand-shaking and the kiss.
THE BOW.
It is said: "A bow is a note drawn at sight. You
are bound to acknowledge it immediately, and to the
full amount." It should be respectful, cordial, civil or
familiar, according to circumstances. Between gentle-
men, an inclination of the head, a gesture of the hand,
or the mere touching of the hat is sufficient; but in
bowing to a lady, the hat must be lifted from the head.
If you know peaple slightly, you -recognize them
46 SALUTATIONS.
slightly; if you know them well, you bow with more
familiarity. The body is not bent at all in bowing; the
inclination of the head is all that is necessary.
If the gentleman is smoking, he withdraws his cigar
from his mouth before lifting his hat to a lady, or if he
should happen to have his hand in his pocket he
removes it.
At the moment of the first meeting of the eyes of an
acquaintance you bow. Any one who has been intro-
duced to you, or any one to whom you have been intro-
duced, is entitled to this mark of respect.
The bow is the touchstone of good breeding, and to
neglect it, even to one with whom you may have a
trifling difference, shows deficiency in cultivation and in
the instincts of refinement. A bow does not entail a
calling acquaintance. Its entire neglect reveals the
character and training of the person; the manner of its
observance reveals the very shades of breeding that
exist between the ill-bred and the well-bred.
RETURNING A BOW.
A gentleman walking with a lady returns a bow made
to her, whether by a lady or gentleman (lifting his hat
not too far from his head), although the one bowing is
an entire stranger to him.
It is civility to return a bow, although you do not
know the one who is bowing to you. Either the one
who bows, knows you, or has mistaken you for some
one else. In either case you should return the bow, and
probably the mistake will be discovered to have
SALUTATIONS. 47
occurred for want of quick recognition on your own
part, or from some resemblance that you bear to
another.
THE MANNER OF BOWING.
The manner in which the salutation of recognition is
made, may be regarded as an unerring test of the breed-
ing, training, or culture of a person. It should be
prompt as soon as the eyes meet, whether on the street
or in a room. The intercourse need go no further- but
that bow must be made. There are but few laws whicu
have better reasons for their observance than this. This
rule holds good under all circumstances, whether witnm
doors or without. Those who abstain from bowing at
one time, and bow at another, should not be surprised
to find that the person whom they have neglected, has
avoided the continuation of their acquaintance.
DUTIES OF YOUNG TO OLDER PEOPLE.
Having once had an introduction that entitles to
recognition, it is the duty of the person to recall him-
self or herself to the recollection of the older person, if
there is much difference in age, by bowing each time of
meeting, until the recognition becomes mutual. As
persons advance in life, they look for these attentions
upon the part of the young. Persons who have large
circles of acquaintance, often confuse the faces of the
young whom they know with the familiar faces which
they meet and do not know, and from frequent errors
of this kind, they get into the habit of waiting to catch
some look or gesture of recognition.
48 SALUTATIONS.
HOW TO AVOID RECOGNITION.
If a person desires to avoid a bowing acquaintance
with a person who has been properly introduced, he may
do so by looking aside, or dropping the eyes as the per-
son approaches, for, if the eyes meet, there is no alterna-
tive, bow he must.
ON PUBLIC PROMENADES.
Bowing once to a person upon a public promenade or
drive is all that civility requires. If the person is a
friend, it is in better form, the second and subsequent
passings, should you catch his or her eye, to smile
slightly instead of bowing repeatedly. If an acquain-
tance, it is best to avert the eyes.
A SMILING BOW.
A bow should never be accompanied by a broad smile,
even when you are well acquainted, and yet a high
authority well says: "You should never speak to an
acquaintance without a smile in your eyes."
DEFERENCE TO ELDERLY PEOPLE.
A young lady should show the same deference to an
Iderly lady that a gentleman does to a lady. It may
also be said that a young man should show proper defer-
ence to elderly gentlemen.
WORDS OF SALUTATION.
The words commonly used in saluting a person are
"Good Morning," " Good Afternoon," "Good Evening,"
SALUTATIONS. 49
" How do you do " (sometimes contracted into " Howdy "
and " How dye do,") and " How are you." The three
former are most appropriate, as it seems somewhat
absurd to ask after a person's health, unless you stop to
receive an answer. A respectful bow should accompany
the words.
SHAKING HANDS.
Among friends the shaking of the hand is the most
genuine and cordial expression of good-will. It is not
necessary, though in certain cases it is not forbidden,
upon introduction; but when acquaintanceship has
reached any degree of intimacy, it is perfectly proper.
ETIQUETTE OF HANDSHAKING.
An authority upon this subject says: "The etiquette
of handshaking is simple. A man has no right to take a
lady's hand until it is offered. He has even less right to
pinch or retain it. Two young ladies shake hands gen-
tly and softly. A young lady gives her hand, but does
not shake a gentleman's unless she is his friend. A lady
should always rise to give her hand; a gentleman, of
course, never dares to do so seated. On introduction in
a room, a married Jady generally offers her hand; a
young lady, not. In a ballroom, where the introduction
is to dancing, not to friendship, you never shake hands;
and as a general rule, an introduction is not followed by
shaking hands, only by a bow. It may perhaps be laid
down that the more public the place of introduction, the
less handshaking takes place. But if the introduction
be particular, if it be accompanied by personal recom-
50 SALUTATIONS.
mendation, such as, 'I want you to know my friend
Jones,' or if Jones comes with a letter of presentation,
then you give Jones your hand, and warmly, too.
Lastly^ it is the privilege of a superior to offer or with-
hold his or her hand, so that an inferior should never put
his forward first."
When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to shake
hands at all, she should give her hand with frankness
and cordiality. There should be equal frankness and
cordiality on the gentleman's part, and even more
warmth, though a careful avoidance of anything like
offensive familiarity or that which might be mistaken
as such.
In shaking hands, the right hand should always be
offered, unless it be so engaged as to make it impossible,
and then an excuse should be offered. The French give
the left hand, as nearest the heart.
The mistress of a household should offer her hand to
every guest invited to her house.
A gentleman must not shake hands with a lady until
she has made the first move in that direction. It is a
mark of rudeness not to give his hand instantly, should
she extend her own. A married lady should always
extend her hand to a stranger brought to her house by
a common friend, as an evidence of her cordial welcome.
Where an introduction is for dancing there is no shak-
ing of hands.
THE KISS.
This is the most affectionate form of salutation, and
is only proper among near relations and dear friends.
SALUTATIONS.
51
THE KISS OF FRIENDSHIP.
The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the
cheeks and forehead. In this country this act of affec-
tion is generally excluded from public eyes, and in the
case of parents and children and near relations, it is per-
haps unnecessarily so.
KISSING IN PUBLIC.
The custom -which has become quite prevalent of
women kissing each other whenever they meet in pub-
lic, is regarded as vulgar, and by ladies of delicacy and
refinement is entirely avoided.
THE KISS OP RESPECT.
The kiss of respect almost obsolete in this country
is made on the hand. The custom is retained in Ger-
many and among gentlemen of the most courtly man-
ners in England.
CHAPTER V.
of Calls.
HERE are calls of ceremony, of con-
dolence, of congratulation and of
friendship.' All but the latter are
usually of short duration. The call
of friendship is usually of less for-
mality and may be of some length.
MORNING CALLS.
" Morning calls," as they are termed,
should not be made earlier than 12 M., nor
later than 5 p. M.
A morning call should not exceed half an
hour in length. From ten to twenty minutes
is ordinarily quite long enough. If other
visitors come in, the visit should terminate
as speedily as possible. Upon leaving, bow slightly to
the strangers.
In making a call be careful to avoid the luncheon
and dinner hour of your friends. From two until
five is ordinarily the most convenient time for morning
calls.
(52)
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 53
EVEOTNG CALLS.
It is sometimes more convenient for both the caller
and those called upon that the call should be made in
the evening. An evening call should never be made
later than nine o'clock, nor be prolonged after ten,
neither should it exceed an hour in length.
RULES FOB FORMAL CALLS.
The lady of the house rises upon the entrance of her
visitors, who at once advance to pay their respects to
her before speaking to others. If too many callers are
present to enable her to take the lead in conversation,
she pays special attention to the latest arrivals, watch-
ing to. see that no one is left alone, and talking to each
of her guests in succession, or seeing that some one is
doing so.
A lady who is not in her own house does not rise,
either on the arrival or departure of ladies, unless
there is some great difference of age. Attention to the
aged is one of the marks of good breeding which is
never neglected by the thoughtful and refined.
It is not customary to introduce residents of the
same city, unless the hostess knows that an introduction
will be agreeable to both parties. Strangers in the
place are always introduced.
Ladies and gentlemen who meet in the drawing-room
of a common friend are privileged to speak to each
other without an introduction; though gentlemen gen-
erally prefer to ask for introductions. When introduced
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.
. to any one, bow slightly, and enter at once into conver-
sation. It shows a lack of good breeding not to do so.
When introductions are given, it is the gentleman
who should be presented to the lady; when two ladies
are introduced, it is the younger who is presented to
the older.
A lady receiving gives her hand to a stranger as to
a friend, when she wishes to bestow some mark of cor-
diality in welcoming a guest to her home, but a gentle-
man should not take the initiatory in handshaking.
It is the lady's privilege to give or withhold, as she
chooses.
A gentleman rises when those ladies with whom he
is talking rise to take their leave. He also rises upon
the entrance of ladies, but he does not offer seats to
those entering, unless in his own house, or unless re-
quested to do so by the hostess, and then he does not
offer his own chair if others are available.
A call should not be less than fifteen minutes in dura-
tion, nor should it be so long as to become tedious. A
bore is a person who does not know when you have had
enough of his or her company, and gives more of it
than is desirable. Choose a time to leave when there is
a lull in the conversation, and the hostess is not occupied
with fresh arrivals. Then take leave of your hostess,
bowing to those you know as you leave the room, not
to each in turn, but let one bow include all.
Calls ought to be made within three days after a
dinner or tea party, if it is a first invitation; and if
not, within a week. After a party or a ball, whether
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 55
you have accepted the invitation or not, you call within
a week.
A lady who has no regular reception day will en-
deavor to receive callers at any time. If she is occu-
pied, she will instruct her servant to say that she is
engaged; but a visitor once admitted into the house
must he seen at any inconvenience.
A lady should never keep a caller waiting without
sending to see whether a delay of a few minutes will
inconvenience the caller. Servants should be instructed
to return and announce to the person waiting that the
lady will be down immediately. Any delay whatever
should be apologized for.
If, on making a call, you are introduced into a room
where you are unknown to those assembled, at once
give your name and mention upon whom your call is
made.
In meeting a lady or gentleman whose name you can-
not recall, frankly say so, if you find it necessary. Sen-
sible persons will prefer to recall themselves to your
memory rather than to feel that you are talking to them
without fully recognizing them. To affect not to re-
member a person is despicable, and reflects only on the
pretender.
Gentlemen, as well as ladies, when making formal
calls, send in but one card, no matter how many mem-
bers of the family they may wish to see. If a guest is
stopping at the house, the same rule is observed. If
not at home, one card is left for the lady, and one for
56 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.
the guest. The card for the lady may be folded so as
to include the family.
RULES FOE SUMMER RESORTS.
At places of summer resort, those who own their
cottages, call first upon those who rent them, and those
who rent, in turn, call upon each other, according to
priority of arrival. In all these cases there are excep-
tions; as, where there is any great difference in ages,
the younger then calling upon the older, if there has
been a previous acquaintance or exchange of calls. If
there has been no previous acquaintance or exchange of
calls, the older lady pays the first call, unless she takes
the initiative by inviting the younger to call upon her,
or by sending her an invitation to some entertainment,
which she is about to give. When the occupants of
two villas, who have arrived the same season, meet at
the house of a common friend, and the older of the two
uses her privilege of inviting the other to call, it would
be a positive rudeness not to call; and the sooner the
call is made, the more civil will it be considered. It is
equally rude, when one lady asks permission of another
to bring a friend to call, and then neglects to do it, after
permission has been given. If the acquaintance is not
desired, the first call can be the last.
CALLS MADE BY CARDS.
Only calls of pure ceremony such as are made pre-
vious to an entertainment on those persons who are not
to be invited, and to whom you are indebted for any
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 57
attentions are made by handing in cards; nor can a
call in person be returned by cards. Exceptions to this
rule comprise P. P. C. calls, cards left or sent by per-
sons in mourning, and those which announce a lady's
day for receiving calls, on her return to town, after an
absence.
RECEPTION DAYS.
Some ladies receive only on certain days or evenings,
which are once a week, once a fortnight, or once a
montH as the case may be, and the time is duly
announced by cards. When a lady has made this rule
it is considerate, on the part of her friends, to observe
it, for it is sometimes regarded as an intrusion to call at
any other time. The reason of her having made this
rule may have been to prevent the loss of too much
time from her duties, in the receiving of calls from her
friends.
CALLS AFTEE BETROTHAL.
When a betrothal takes place and it is formally
announced to the relatives and friends on both sides,
calls of congratulation follow. The bridegroom that is
to be, is introduced by the family of the proposed
bride to their connections and most intimate friends,
and his family in return introduce her to relatives and
acquaintances whom they desire her to know. The
simplest way of bringing this about is by the parents
leaving the cards of the betrothed, with their own,
upon all families on their visiting list whom they wish
to have the betrothed pair visitw
58 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.
THE CARDS AND CALLS OF STRANGERS.,
Strangers arriving are expected to send their cards to
their acquaintances, bearing their direction, as an
announcement that they are in the city. This rule ig
often neglected, but, unless it is observed, strangerg
may be a long time in town without their presence
being known.
RETURNING A FIRST CALL.
A first call ought to be returned within three or four
days. A longer delay than a week is considered an
intimation that you are unwilling to accept the new
acquaintance, unless some excuse for the remissness i*
made.
FORMING ACQUAINTANCE.
In an event of exchange of calls between two ladies.,
without meeting, who are known to each other only by
sight, they should upon the first opportunity, make
themselves acquainted with one another. The younger
should seek the older, or the one who has been the reci-
pient of the first attention should introduce herself, or
seek an introduction, but it is not necessary to stand
upon ceremony on such points. Ladies knowing each
other by sight, bow, after an exchange of cards.
THE FIRST CALL.
When it becomes a question as to who shall call first,
between old residents, the older should take the initia-
tory. Ladies, who have been in the habit of meeting
for sometime without exchanging calls, sometimes say
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 59
to each other: "I hope you will come and see me."
and often the answer is made: " Oh, you must come
and see me first!" That answer could only be given,
with propriety, by a lady who is much the older of the
two. The lady who extends the invitation makes the
first advance, and the one who receives it should at
least say: " I thank you you are very kind," and then
accept the invitation or not, as it pleases her. It is the
custom for residents to make the first call upon
strangers.
CALLS OP CONGRATULATION.
Calls of congratulation are made when any happy or
auspicious event may have occurred in the family
visited such as a birth, marriage, or any piece of good
fortune. Such visits may be made either similar to the
morning or the evening call. Such visits may also be
made upon the appointment of friends to any important
office or honored position, or when a friend has distin-
guished himself by a notable public address or oration.
p. P. c. CALLS.
When persons are going abroad to be absent for a
considerable period, if they have not time or inclination
to take leave of all their friends by making formal
calls, they will send to each of their friends a card with
the letters P. P. C. written upon it. They are the
initials of " Pour Prendre Conge " to take leave and
may with propriety stand for " presents parting compli-
ments.*' On returning home, it is customary that friends
60 ETIQUETTE OF CAJ.L8.
should first call upon them. A neglect to do so, unless
for some good excuse, is sufficient cause to drop their
acquaintance. In taking leave of a family, you send as
many cards as you would if you were paying an ordin-
ary visit.
VISITS OP CONDOLENCE.
Visits of condolence should be made within a week
after the event which occasioned them; but if the
acquaintance be slight, immediately after the family
appear at public worship. A card should be sent in,
and if your friends are able to receive you, your manners
and conversation should be in harmony with the charac-
ter of your visit. It is deemed courteous to send in
a mourning card; and for ladies to make their calls in
black silk or plain-colored apparel. It denotes that they
sympathize with the afflictions of the family, and a
warm, heartfelt sympathy is always appreciated.
EVENING VISITS.
Evening visits are paid only to those with whom we
are well acquainted. They should not be frequent, even
where one is intimate, nor should they be protracted to
a great length. Frequent visits are apt to become tire-
some to your friends or acquaintances, and long visits
may entitle you to the appellation of " bore."
If you should happen to pay an evening visit at a
house where a small party had assembled, unknown to
you, present yourself and converse for a few minutes
with an unembarrassed air, after which yx>u may leave,
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 61
pleading as an excuse that you had only intended to
make a short call. An invitation to stay and spend the
evening, given for the sake of courtesy, should not be
accepted. If urged very strongly to remain, and the
company is an informal gathering, you may with pro-
priety consent to do so.
KEEP AN ACCOUNT OF CALLS.
A person should keep a strict account of ceremonial
calls, and take note of how soon calls are returned. By
doing so, an opinion can be formed as to how frequently
visits are desired. Instances may occur, when, in con-
sequence of age or ill health, calls should be made with-
out any reference to their being returned. It must be
remembered that nothing must interrupt the discharge
of this duty.
CALLS OF CEREMONT AMONG FRIENDS.
Among relatives and friends, calls of mere ceremony
are unnecessary. It is, however, needful to make suit-
able calls, and to avoid staying too long, if your friend
is engaged. The courtesies of society should be main-
tained among the nearest friends, and even the domestic
circle.
" ENGAGED " OB " NOT AT HOME."
If a lady is so employed that she cannot receive call-
ers she should charge the servant who goes to answer
the bell to say that she is " engaged " or " not at home."
This will prove sufficient with all well-bred people.
62 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.
The servant should have her orders to say " engaged "
or " not at home " before any one has called, so that the
lady shall avoid all risk of being obliged to inconven-
ience herself in receiving company when she has in-
tended to deny herself. If there are to be exceptions
made in favor of any individual or individuals, mention
their names specially to the servant, adding that you will
see them if they call, but to all others you are " en-
gaged."
A lady should always be dressed sufficiently well to
receive company, and not keep them waiting while she
is making her toilet.
A well-bred person always endeavors to receive visi-
tors at whatever time they call, or whoever they may
be, but there are times when it is impossible to do so,
and then, of course, a servant is instructed beforehand
to say " not at home " to the visitor. If, however, the
servant admits the visitor and he is seated in the draw-
ing room or parlor, it is the duty of the hostess to receive
him or her at whatever inconvenience it may be to her-
self.
When you call upon persons, and are informed at the
door that the parties whom you ask for are engaged, you
should never insist in an attempt to be admitted, but
should acquiesce at once in any arrangements which
they have made for their convenience, and to protect
themselves from interruption. However intimate you
may be in any house you have no right, when an order
has been given to exclude general visitors, and no excep-
tion has been made of you, to violate that exclusion, and
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 63
declare that the party should be at home to you. There
are times and seasons when a person desires to be left
entirely alone, and at such times there is no friendship
for which she would give up her occupation or her soli-
tude.
GENERAL RULES REGARDING CALLS.
A gentleman in making a formal call should retain his
hat and gloves in his hand on entering the room. The
tat should not be laid upon a table or stand, but kept in
the hand, unless it is found necessary from some cause
to set it down. In that case, place it upon the floor.
An umbrella should be left in the hall. In an informal
evening call, the hat, gloves, overcoat and cane may be
left in the hall.
A lady, in making a call, may bring a stranger, even
& gentleman, with her, without previous permission. A
gentleman, however, should never take the same liberty.
No one should prolong a call if the person upon whom
the call is made is found dressed ready to go out.
A lady should be more richly dressed when calling on
her friends than for an ordinary walk.
A lady should never call upon a gentleman except
upon some business, officially or professionally.
Never allow young children, dogs or pets of any sort
to accompany you in a call. They often prove disagree-
able and troublesome.
Two persons out of one family, or at most three, are
all that should call together.
It is not customary in cities to offer refreshments to
64 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.
callers. In the country, where the caller has come from
some distance, it is exceedingly hospitable to do so.
Calls in the country may be less ceremonious and of
longer duration, than those made in the city.
A person making a call should not, while waiting for
a hostess, touch an open piano, walk about the room
examining pictures, nor handle any ornament in the
room.
If there is a stranger visiting at the house of a friend,
the acquaintances of the family should be punctilious to
call at an early date.
Never offer to go to the room of an invalid upon whom
you have called, but wait for an invitation to do so.
In receiving morning calls, it is unnecessary for a lady
to lay aside any employment, not of an absorbing nature
upon which she may happen to be engaged. Embroi-
dery, crocheting or light needle-work are perfectly in
harmony with the requirements of the hour, and the
lady looks much better employed than in absolute idle-
ness.
A lady should pay equal attention to all her guests.
The display of unusual deference is alone allowable
when distinguished rank or reputation or advanced age
justifies it.
A guest should take the seat indicated by the hostess.
A gentleman should never seat himself on a sofa beside
her, nor in a chair in immediate proximity, unless she
specially invites him to do so.
A lady need not lay aside her bonnet during a formal
call, even though urged to do so. If the call be a
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 65
friendly and unceremonious one, she may do so if she
thinks proper, but not without an invitation.
A gentleman caller must not look at his watch during
a call, unless, in doing so, he pleads some engagement
and asks to be excused.
Formal calls are generally made twice a year; but
only once a year is binding, when no invitations have
been received that require calls in return.
In calling upon a person living at a hotel or boarding-
house, it is customary to stop in the parlor and send
your card to the room of the person called upon.
When a person has once risen to take leave, he should
not be persuaded to prolong his stay.
Callers should take special pains to make their visits
opportune. On the other hand, a lady should always
receive her callers, at whatever hour or day they come,
if it is possible to do so.
When a gentleman has called and not found the lady
at home, it is civility on the part of the lady, upon the
occasion of their next meeting, to express her regret at
not seeing him. He should reciprocate the regret, and
not reply unthinkingly or awkwardly: "Oh, it made no
particular difference," " it was of no great consequence,"
or words to that effect.
After you have visited a friend at her country seat,
or after receiving an invitation to visit her, a call is due
her upon her return to her town residence. This is one
of the occasions when a call should be made promptly
and in person, unless you have a reason for wishing to
discontinue the acquaintance; even then it would be
66 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.
more civil to take another opportunity for dropping a
friend who wished to show a civility, unless her character
has been irretrievably lost in the meantime.
NEW-TEAR'S CALLS.
The custom of New- Year's calling is prevalent in all
cities, and most villages in the country, and so agreeable
a custom is it, that it is becoming more in favor every
year. This is the day when gentlemen keep up their
acquaintanceship with ladies and families, some of whom
they are unable to see, probably, during the whole year.
Of late it has been customary in many cities to publish
in one or more newspapers, a day or two before New
Years, a list of the ladies who will receive calls on that
day, and from this list gentlemen arrange their calls.
For convenience and to add to the pleasure of the day,
several ladies frequently unite in receiving calls at the
residence of one of their number, but this is usually done
when only one or two members of a family can receive.
Where there are several members of a family, who can
do so, they usually receive at their own home.
Gentlemen call either singly, in couples, by threes or
fours and sometimes even more, in carriages or on foot,
as they choose. Calls commence about ten o'clock in
the morning, and continue until about nine in the even-
ing. When the gentlemen go in parties, they call upon
the lady friends of each, and if all are not acquainted,
those who are, introduce the others. The length of a
call is usually from five to fifteen minutes, but it is ofteo
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 67
governed by circumstances, and may be prolonged to
even an hour.
Refreshments are usually provided for the callers, and
should always be offered, but it is not necessary that
they should be accepted. If not accepted, an apology
should be tendered, with thanks for the offer. Tlv
refreshments may consist of oysters, raw or scallop*
cold meats, salads, fruits, cakes, sandwiches, etc., u
hot tea and coffee.
When callers are ushered into the reception-room,
they are met by the ladies, when introductions are given,
and the callers are invited to remove their overcoats, but
it is optional with them whether they do so or not. It
is also optional with them whether they remove their
gloves. When gentlemen are introduced to ladies in
making New- Year's calls, they are not thereby warranted
in calling again upon any of these ladies, unless especially
invited to do so. It is the lady's pleasure whether the
acquaintance shall be maintained.
In making Xew- Year's calls, a gentleman leaves one
card, whatever may be the number of ladies receiving
with the hostess. If there is a basket at the door, LJ
leaves a card for each of the ladies at the house, including
lady guests of the family, provided there are any. The
Xew- Year's card should not differ from an ordinary
calling card. It should be plain, with the name engraved,
or printed in neat script. It is not now considered in
good taste to have " Happy New Year " or other words
upon it, unless it may be the residence of the gentleman,
68
ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.
which may be printed or written in the right hand cor-
ner, if deemed desirable. A gentleman does not make
calls the first New- Year's after his marriage, but receives
at home with his wife.
CHAPTER VI.
0t
OME of the social observances per-
taining to visiting away from one's
own home, and accepting the hospi-
talities of friends, are here given,
and are applicable to ladies and
gentlemen alike.
GENERAL INVITATIONS.
No one should accept a general invita-
tion for a prolonged visit. "Do come
and spend some time with me " may be
said with all earnestness and cordiality, but to
give the invitation real meaning the date
should be definitely fixed and the length of
time stated.
A person who pays a visit upon a general invitation
need not be surprised if he finds himself as unwelcome
as he is unexpected. His friends may be absent from
home, or their house may be already full, or they may
not have made arrangements for visitors. From these
and other causes they may be greatly inconvenienced by
an unexpected arrival.
(89)
TU ETIQUETTE OF VISITING.
It would be well if people would abstain altogether
from this custom of giving general invitations, which
really mean nothing, and be scrupulous to invite their
desired guests at a stated time and for a given period.
LIMIT OF A PROLONGED VISIT.
If no exact length of time is specified, it is well for
visitors to limit a visit to three days or a week, accord-
ing to the degree of intimacy they may have with the
family, or the distance they have come to pay the visit,
announcing this limitation soon after arrival, so that the
host and the hostess may invite a prolongation of the
stay if they desire it, or so that they can make their
arrangements in accordance. One never likes to ask of
a guest, " How long do you intend to remain ?" yet it is
often most desirable to know.
TRUE HOSPITALITY.
Offer your guests the best that you have in the way
of food and rooms, and express no regrets, and make no
excuses that you have nothing better to give them.
Try to make your guests feel at home; and do this,
not by urging them in empty words to do so, but by
making their stay as pleasant as possible, at the same
time being careful to put out of sight any trifling trouble
or inconvenience they may cause you.
Devote as much time as is consistent with other
engagements to the amusement and entertainment of
your guests.
ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 71
DUTIES OP THE VISITOR. -
On the other hand, the visitor should try to conform
as much as possible to the habits of the house which
temporarily shelters him. He should never object to the
hours at which meals are served, nor should he ever
allow the family to be kept waiting on his account.
It is a good rule for a visitor to retire to his own
apartment in the morning, or at least seek out some
occupation or amusement of his own, without seeming
to need the assistance or attention of host or hostess ;
for it is undeniable that these have certain duties which
must be attended to at this portion of the day, in order
to leave the balance of the time free for the entertain-
ment of their guests.
If any family matters of a private or unpleasant nature
come to the knowledge of the guest during his stay, he
must seem both blind and deaf, and never refer to them
unless the parties interested speak of them first.
The rule on which a host and hostess should act is to
make their guests as much at ease as possible; that on
which a visitor should act is to interfere as little as pos-
sible with the ordinary routine of the house. .
It is not required that a hostess should spend her
whole time in the entertainment of her guests. The
latter may prefer to be left to their own devices for a
portion of the day. On the other hand, it shows the
worst of breeding for a visitor to seclude himself from
the family and seek his own amusements and occupations
regardless of their desire to join in them or entertain him.
72 . ETIQUETTE OF VISITING.
You should try to hold yourself at the disposal of
those whom you are visiting. If they propose to you
to ride, to drive or walk, you should acquiesce as far as
your strength will permit, and do your best to seem
pleased at the efforts made to entertain you.
You should not accept invitations without consulting
your host. You should not call upon the servants to do
errands for you, or to wait upon you too much, nor keep
the family up after hours of retiring.
If you have observed anything to the disadvantage of
your friends, while partaking of their hospitality, it
should never be mentioned, either while you are under
their roof or afterwards. Speak only of what redounds
to their praise and credit. This feeling ought to be
mutual between host and guest. Whatever good is
observed in either may be commented upon, but the
curtain of silence must be drawn over their faults.
Give as little trouble as possible when a guest, but at
the same time never think of apologizing for any little
additional trouble which your visit may occasion. It
would imply that you thought your friends incapable of
entertaining you without some inconvenience to them-
selves.
Keep your room as neat as possible, and leave no arti-
cles of dress or toilet around to give trouble to servants.
A lady guest will not hesitate to make her own bed,
if few or no servants are kept ; and in the latter case
she will do whatever else she can to lighten the labors of
her hostess as a return for the additional exertion her
visit occasions.
ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 73
INVITATIONS TO GUESTS.
Any invitation given to a lady guest should also
mclude the hostess, and the guest is justified in declin-
ing to accept any invitation unless the hostess is also
invited. Invitations received by the hostess should
include the guest. Thus, at all places of amusement and
entertainment, guest and host may be together.
FORBEARANCE WITH CHILDREN.
A guest should not notice nor find fault with the bad
behavior of the children in the household where visit-
ing, and should put up with any of their faults, and
overlook any ill-bred or disagreeable actions on their
part.
GUESTS MAKING PRESENTS.
If a guest wishes to make a present to any member of
the family she is visiting, it should be to the hostess, or
if to any of the children, to the youngest in preference,
though it is usually better to give it to the mother.
Upon returning home, when the guest writes to the host-
ess, she expresses her thanks for the hospitality, and
requests to be remembered to the family.
TREATMENT OF A HOST*S FRIENDS.
If you are a guest, you must be very cautious as to the
treatment of the friends of your host or hostess. If you
do not care to be intimate with them, you must be care-
ful not to show a dislike for them, or that you wish to
avoid them. You must be exceedingly polite and agree-
74: ETIQUETTE OF VISITING.
able to them, avoiding any special familiarity, and keep
them at a distance without hurting their feelings. Do
not say to your host or hostess that you do not like any
of their friends.
LEAVE-TAKING.
Upon taking leave, express the pleasure you have
experienced in your visit. Upon returning home it is
an act of courtesy to write and inform your friends of
your Bafe arrival, at the same time repeating your
thanks.
A host and hostess should do all they can to make the
visit of a friend agreeable ; they should urge him to stay
as long as it is consistent with his own plans, and at the
same time convenient to themselves; But when the
time for departure has been fully fixed upon, no obstacle
should be placed in the way of leave-taking. Help him
in every possible way to depart, at the same time giving
him a cordial invitation to renew the visit at some future
period.
"Welcome the coining, speed the parting, guest,"
expresses the true spirit of hospitality.
CHAPTER VII.
atxd falling
N authentic writer upon visiting cards
says: " To the unrefined or under-
bred, the visiting card is but a tri-
fling and insignificant bit of paper;
but to the cultured disciple of
social law, it conveys a subtle and
unmistakable intelligence. Its tex-
ture, style of engraving, and even the
hour of leaving it combine to place the
stranger, whose name it bears, in a pleas-
ant or a disagreeable attitude, even before
his manners, conversation and face have been
able to explain his social position. The higher
the civilization of a community, the more
careful it is to preserve the elegance of its
social forms. It is quite as easy to express a perfect
breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards, as by
any other method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the safest
herald of an introduction for a stranger. Its texture
should be fine, its engraving a plain script, its size nei-
ther too small, so that its recipients shall say to them-
selves, ' A whimsical person,' nor too large to suggest
(75)
76 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.
ostentation. Refinement seldom touches extremes in
anything."
CALLING CAEDS.
A card used in calling should have nothing upon it
but the name of the caller. A lady's card should not
bear her place of residence; such cards having, of late,
been appropriated by the members of the demi-monde.
The street and number always look better upon the card
of the husband than upon that of the wife. When nec-
essary, they can be added in pencil on the cards of the
svife and daughter. A business card should never be
used for a friendly call. A physician may put the pre-
fix "Dr.," or the affix "M. D.," upon his card, and an
army or navy officer his rank and branch of service.
WEDDING CARDS.
Wedding cards are only sent to those people whom
the newly married couple desire to keep among their
acquaintances, and it is then the duty of those receiving
the cards to call first on the young couple.
An ancient custom, but one which has been recently
revived, is for the friends of the bride and groom to
send cards; these are of great variety in size and design,
and resemble Christmas or Easter cards but are usually
more artistic.
CHRISTMAS AND EASTER CARDS.
A very charming custom that is coming into vogue is
the giving or sending of Easter and Christmas cards.
These are of such elegant designs and variety of colors
VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 77
that the stationer takes great pride in decorating his
shop windows with them; indeed some of them are so
elegant as to resemble oil paintings. Books and other
small offerings may accompany cards as a token of
remembrance.
CAEDS TO SERVE FOE CALLS.
A person may make a card serve the purpose of a call,
and it may either be sent in an envelope, by messenger
or left in person. If left in person, one corner should be
turned down. To indicate that a call is made on all or
several members of the family; the card for the lady of
the house is folded in the middle. If guests are visiting
at the house, a card is left for each guest.
ENCLOSING A CAED IN AN ENVELOPE.
To return a call made in person with a card inclosed
in an envelope, is an intimation that visiting between
the parties is ended. Those who leave or send their
cards with no such intention, should not inclose them in
an envelope. An exception to this rule is where they
are sent in return to the newly married living in other
cities, or in answering wedding cards forwarded when
absent from home. P. P. C. cards are also sent in this
way, and are the only cards that it is as yet universally
considered admissible to send by post.
SIZE AND STYLE OP VISITING OB CALLING CAEDS.
A medium sized is in better taste than a very large
card for married persons. Cards bearing the name of
the husband alone are smaller. The cards of unmarried
78
VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.
men should also be small. The engraving in simple
writing is preferred, and without flourishes. Nothing
in cards can be more commonplace than large printed
letters, be the type what it may. Young men should
dispense with the " Mr." before their names.
CALLING CARDS.
CORNERS OF CARDS TURNED DOWN.
The signification of turning down the corners of cards
are:
Visite The right hand upper corner.
Felicitation The left hand upper corner.
Condolence The left hand lower corner.
To TaJce C Leave \ The ri S ht hand lower corner '
Card, right hand end turned down Delivered in Per-
son.
VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 79
CARD FOB MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.
The name of young ladies are sometimes printed or
engraved on their mother's cards; both in script. It is,
of course, allowable, for the daughter to have cards of
her own.
Some ladies have adopted the fashion of having the
daughter's name on the same card with their own and
their husband's names.
GLAZED CARDS.
Glazed cards are quite out of fashion, as are cards and
note paper with gilt edges. The fashion in cards, how-
ever, change *so often, that what is in style one year,
may not be the next.
p. P. c. CARDS.
A card left at a farewell visit, before a long protracted
absence, has "P. P. C." (Pour Prendre Conge) written
in one corner. It is not necessary to deliver such cards
in person, for they may be sent by a messenger, or by
post if necessary. P. P. C. cards are not left when the
absence from home is only for a few months, nor by
persons starting in mid-summer for a foreign country,
as residents are then supposed to be out of town. They
are sent to or left with friends by ladies just previous
to their contemplated marriage to serve the purpose of
a call.
CARDS OF CONGRATULATION.-
Cards of congratulation must be left in person, or a
congratulatory note, if desired, can be made to serve
80 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.
instead of a call; excepting upon the newly married.
Calls in person are due to them, and to the parents wh
have invited you to the marriage. When there has been
a reception after the ceremony, which you have beea
unable to attend, but have sent cards by some member
of your family, your cards need not again represent you
until they have been returned, with the new residence
announced; but a call is due to the parents or relative*
who have given the reception. When no wedding
cards are sent you, nor the card of the bridegroom, you
cannot call without being considered intrusive. One
month after the birth of a child the call of congratula-
tion is made by acquaintances.
LEAVE CARDS IN MAKING FIEST CALL.
In making the first calls of the season (in the autumn)
both ladies and gentlemen should leave a card each, at
every house called upon, even if the ladies are receiving.
The reason of this is that where a lady is receiving
morning calls, it would be too great a tax upon her
memory to oblige her to keep in mind what calls she has
to return or which of them have been returned, and ia
making out lists for inviting informally, it is often the
card-stand which is first searched for bachelors' cards, to
meet the emergency. Young men should be careful t
write their street and number on their cards.
LEAVE CARDS AFTEK AN INVITATION.
After an invitation, cards must be left upon those who
have sent it, whether it is accepted or not. They must
VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 81
be left in person, and if it is desired to end the acquain-
tance the cards can be left without inquiring whether
the ladies are at home.
Gentlemen should not expect to receive invitations
from ladies with whom they are only on terms of formal
visiting, until the yearly or autumnal call has been made,
or until their cards have been left to represent themselves.
CABDS IN MEMOBIAM.
These are a loving tribute to the memory of the
departed ; an English custom rapidly gaining favor
with us; it announces to friends the death, of which
they might remain in ignorance but for this mark of
respect :
Stated
5tfv, 1839,
itfv &i
f Sittfc.
, 1876.
3vto tf-uz- UMI iavus o
82 YI8ITINQ AND CALLING CARDS.
CARDS OF CONDOLENCE.
Cards of condolence left by mere acquaintances must
be returned by "mourning cards" before such persons
feel at liberty to make a call. When the bereaved are
ready to receive calls (instead of the cards) of their
acquaintances, " mourning cards " in envelopes, or other-
wise, are returned to all those who have left their cards
since the death, which was the occasion of the cards
being left. Intimate friends, of course, do not wait for
cards, but continue their calls, without regard to any
ceremonious observances made for the protection of the
bereaved. Acquaintances leaving cards should inquire
after the health of the family, leaving the cards in person.
MOURNING CARDS.
On announcement of a death it is correct to call in
person at the door; to make inquiries and leave your
card, with lower left hand corner turned town. Unless
close intimacy exists, it is not usage to ask to see the
afflicted. Cards can be sent to express sympathy, but
notes of condolence are permissible only from intimate
friends.
A BRIDEGROOM'S CARD.
When only the family and the most intimate friends
of a bride and bridegroom have been included in the
invitation for the marriage, or where there has been no
reception after the marriage at church, the bridegroom
often sends his bachelor card (inclosed in an envelope)
to those of his acquaintances with whom he wishes to
continue on visiting terms. Those who receive a card
VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.
83
should call on the bride, within ten days after she has
taken possession of her home. Some persons have
received such a card as an intimation that the card was
to end the acquaintance. This mistake shows the
necessity of a better understanding of social customs.
CHAPTER VIII.
HE character of a person is revealed
by his conversation as much as by
any one quality he possesses, for
strive as he may he cannot always
be acting.
IMPORTANCE OP CONVERSING WELL.
To be able to converse well is an attain-
ment which should be cultivated by eveiy
intelligent man and woman. It is better
to be a good talker than a good singer or
musician, because the former is more widely
appreciated, and the company of a person who
is able to talk well on a great variety of sub-
jects, is much sought after. The importance, therefore,
of cultivating the art of conversation, cannot easily be
over-estimated. It should be the aim of all intelligent
persons to acquire the habit of talking sensibly and with
facility upon all topics of general interest to society, so
that they may both interest others and be themselves
interested, in whatever company they may chance to be
thrown.
(84)
CONVERSATION. 85
TRAINING CHILDREN.
The training for this should be commenced in early
childhood. Parents should not only encourage their
children to express themselves freely upon everything
that attracts their attention and interests them, but they
should also incite their faculties of perception, memory
and close observation, by requiring them to recount
everything, even to its minutest details, that they may
have observed in walking to and from school, or in tak-
ing a ride in a carriage or in the cars. By training a
child to a close observation of everything he meets or
passes,' his mind becomes very active, and the habit hav-
ing once been acquired, he becomes interested in a great
variety of objects; sees more and enjoys more than one
who has not been so trained.
CULTIVATING THE MEMORY.
A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring the
art of conversation, and the cultivation and training of
this faculty is a matter of importance. Early youth is
the proper time to begin this training, and parents and
teachers should give special attention to the cultivation
of memory. When children are taken to church, or to
hear a lecture, they should be required to relate or to
write down from memory, such a digest of the sermon
or lecture as they can remember. Adults may also
adopt this plan for cultivating the memory, and they
will be surprised to find how continued practice in this
will improve this faculty. The practice of taking notes
86 CONVERSATION.
impairs rather than aids the memory, for then a person
relies almost entirely in the notes taken, and does not
tax the memory sufficiently. A person should also train
himself to remember the names of persons whom he
becomes acquainted with, so as to recall them whenever
or wherever he may subsequently meet them. It is
related of a large wholesale boot and shoe merchant of
an eastern city, that he was called upon one day by one
of his best customers, residing in a distant city, whom
he had frequently met, but whose name, at the time, he
could not recall, and received his order for a large bill
of goods. As he was about to leave, the merchant asked
his name, when the customer indignantly replied that he
supposed he was known by a man from whom he had
purchased goods for many years, and countermanding
his order, he left the store, deaf to all attempts at
explanation. Though this may be an extreme case, it
illustrates the importance of remembering the names of
people when circumstances require it.
HENBY CLAY'S MEMOEY OF NAMES.
One secret of Henry Clay's popularity as a politician
was his faculty of remembering the names of persons he
had met. It is said of him that if he was once intro-
duced to a person, he was ever afterwards able to call
him by name, and recount the circumstances of their
first meeting. This faculty he cultivated after he entered
upon the practice of law in Kentucky, and soon after he
began his political life. At that time his memory for
names was very poor, and he resolved to improve it.
CONVERSATION. 87
He adopted the practice, just before retiring at night,
of recalling the names of all the persons he had met
during the day, writing them in a note book, and repeat-
ing over the list the next morning. By this practice, he
acquired in time, his wonderful faculty in remembering
the names of persons he had become acquainted with.
WRITING AS AN AID TO CORRECT TALKING.
To converse correctly to use correct language in
conversation is also a matter of importance, and while
this can be acquired by a strict attention to grammatical
rules, it can be greatly facilitated by the habit of writ-
ing down one's thoughts. In writing, strict regard is,
or should be, paid to the correct use of language, and
when a person, from constant writing, acquires the habit
of using correct language, this habit will follow him in
talking. A person who is accustomed to much writing,
will always be found to use language correctly in speak-
ing.
REQUISITES FOR A GOOD TALKER.
To be a good talker then, one should be possessed of
much general information, acquired by keen observation,
attentive listening, a good memory, extensive reading
and study, logical habits of thought, and have a correct
knowledge of the use of language. He should also aim
at a clear intonation, well chosen phraseology and cor-
rect accent. These acquirements are within the reach
of every person of ordinary ability, who has a deter-
mination to possess them, and the energy and persever-
ance to carry out that determination.
88 CONVERSATION.
VULGARISMS.
In conversation, one must scrupulously guard against
vulgarisms. Simplicity and terseness of language are
the characteristics of a well educated and highly culti-
vated person. It is the uneducated or those who are
but half educated, who use long words and high-sound-
ing phrases. A hyperbolical way of speaking is mere
flippancy, and should be avoided. Such phrases as " aw-
fully pretty," " immensely jolly," " abominally stupid,"
" disgustingly mean," are of this nature, and should be
avoided. Awkwardness of attitude is equally as bad as
awkwardness of speech. Lolling, gesticulating, fidget-
ing, handling an eye-glass or watch chain and the like,
give an air of gaucherie, and take off a certain percent-
age from the respect of others.
LISTENING.
The habit of listening with interest and attention
is one which should be specially cultivated. Even if
the talker is prosy and prolix, the well-bred person will
appear interested, and at appropriate intervals make
such remarks as shall show that he has heard and under-
stood all that has been said. Some superficial people are
apt to style this hypocrisy; but if it is, it is certainly a
commendable hypocrisy, directly founded on that strict
rule of good manners which commands us to show the
same courtesy to others that we hope to receive ourselves.
We are commanded to check our impulses, conceal our
dislikes, and even modify our likings whenever or wher-
CONVERSATION. 89
ever these are liable to give offense or pain to others.
The person who turns away with manifest displeasure,
disgust or want of interest when another is addressing
him, is guilty not only of an ill-bred, but a cruel act.
''PLIPPANCY.
In conversation all provincialism, affectations of for-
eign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations and slang are
detestable. Equally to be avoided are inaccuracies of
expression, hesitation, an undue use of foreign words,
and anything approaching to flippancy, coarseness, triv-
iality or provocation. Gentlemen sometimes address
ladies in a very flippant manner, which the latter are
obliged to pass over without notice, for various reasons,
while inwardly they rebel. Many a worthy man has
done himself an irreparable injury by thus creating a
lasting prejudice in the minds of those whom he might
have made his friends, had he addressed them as though
he considered them rational beings, capable of sustain-
ing their part in a conversation upon sensible subjects.
Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is
the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare,
and the half -opened mouth of the man who is preparing
to break in upon the conversation.
BE SYMPATHETIC AND ANIMATED.
Do not go into society unless you make up your mind
to be sympathetic, unselfish, animating, as well as ani-
mated. Society does not require mirth, but it does
demand cheerfulness and unselfishness, and you must
90 CONVEKSATION.
help to make and sustain cheerful conversation. The
manner of conversation is as important as the matter.
COMPLIMENTS.
Compliments are said by some to be inadmissible.
But between equals, or from those of superior position
to those of inferior station, compliments should be not
only acceptable but gratifying. It is pleasant to know
that our friends think well of us, and it is always agree-
able to know that we are thought well of by those who
hold higher positions, such as men of superior talent, or
women of superior culture. Compliments which are not
sincere, are only flattery and should be avoided; but the
saying of kind things, which is natural to the kind heart,
and which confers pleasure, should be cultivated, at least
not suppressed. Those parents who strive most for the
best mode of training their children are said to have
found that it is never wise to censure them for a fault,
without preparing the way by some judicious mention
of their good qualities.
SLANG.
All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society and
the standard of thought. It is a great mistake to sup-
pose that slang is in any manner witty. Only the very
young or the uncultivated so consider it.
FLATTERY.
Do not be guilty of flattery. The flattery of those
richer than ourselves or better born is vulgar, and bora
CONVERSATION. 91
of rudeness, and is sure to be received as emanating
from unworthy motives. Testify your respect, your
admiration, and your gratitude by deeds more than
words. Words are easy but deeds are difficult. Few
will believe the former, but the latter will carry con-
firmation with them.
SCANDAL AND GOSSIP.
Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vul-
garities. Envy prompts the tongue of the slanderer.
Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of all interests.
A writer on this subject says: "Gossip is a trouble-
some sort of insect that only buzzes about your ears
and never bites deep; slander is the beast of prey that
leaps upon you from its den and tears you in pieces.
Slander is the proper object of rage; gossip of con-
tempt." Those who best understand the nature of gos-
sip and slander, if the victims of both, will take no
notice of the former, but will allow no slander of them-
selves to go unrefuted during their lifetime, to spring
up in a hydra-headed attack upon their children. No
woman can be too sensitive as to any charges affecting
her moral character, whether in the influence of her
companionship, or in the influence of her writings.
RELIGION AND POLITICS.
Religion and politics are topics that should never be
introduced into general conversation, for they are sub-
jects dangerous to harmony. Persons are most likely
to differ, and least likely to preserve their tempers on
92 CONVERSATION.
these topics. Long arguments in general company, how-
ever entertaining to the disputants, are very tiresome to
the hearers.
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
Young persons appear ridiculous when satirizing or
ridiculing books, people or things. Opinions to be worth
the consideration of others should have the advantage
of coming from mature persons. Cultivated people are
not in the habit of resorting to such weapons as satire
and ridicule. They find too much to correct in them-
selves to indulge in coarse censure of the conduct of
others, who may not have had advantages equal to their
own.
TITLES.
In addressing persons with titles always add the name;
as " what do you think of it, Doctor Hayes ?" not " what
do you think of it, Doctor?" In speaking of foreigners
the reverse of the English rule is observed. No matter
what the title of a Frenchman is, he is always addressed
as Monsieur, and you never omit the word Madame,
whether addressing a duchess or a dressmaker. The
former is "Madame la Duchesse," the latter plain
" Madame" Always give a foreigner his title. If Gen-
eral Sherman travels in Europe and is received by the
best classes with the dignity that his worth, culture and
position as an American general demand, he will never
be called Mr. Sherman, but his title will invariably pre-
cede his name. There are persons who fancy that the
omission of the title is annoying to the party who pos-
CONVERSATION. 93
sesses it, but this is not the ground taken why the title
should be given, but because it reveals either ignorance
or ill-breeding on the part of those omitting it.
CHRISTIAN NAMES.
There is a class of persons, who from ignorance of the
customs of good society, or from carelessness, speak of
persons by their Christian names, who are neither rela-
tions nor intimate friends. This is a familiarity which,
outside of the family circle, and beyond friends of the
closest intimacy, is never indulged in by the well-bred.
INTERRUPTION.
Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin
against good-breeding. It has been aptly said that if
you interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence, you
act almost as rudely as if, when walking with a com-
panion, you were to thrust yourself before him and stop
his progress.
ADAPTABILITY IN CONVERSATION.
The great secret of talking well is to adapt your con-
versation, as skillfully as may be, to your company.
Some men make a point of talking common-place to all
ladies alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler.
Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what respects
the education of a lady differs from that of a gentleman,
and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics
with which ladies are seldom acquainted, and in which
few, if ,ITTT, are evor interested. A woman of sense has
94: CONVERSATION.
as much right to be annoyed by the one, as a woman of
ordinary education by the other. If you really wish to
be thought agreeable, sensible, amiable, unselfish and
even well-informed, you should lead the way, in tete-a-tete
conversations, for sportsmen to talk of their shooting, a
mother to talk of her children, a traveler of his journeys
and the countries he has visited, a young lady of her
last ball and the prospective ones, an artist of his picture
and an author of his book. To show any interest in the
immediate concerns of people is very complimentary,
and when not in general rociety one is privileged to do
this. People take more interest in their own affairs than
in anything else you can name, and if you manifest an
interest to hear, there are but few who will not sustain
conversation by a narration of their affairs in some form
or another. Thackeray says: "Be interested by other
people and by their affairs. It is because you yourself
are selfish that that other person's self does not interest
you."
CORRECT USE OF WORDS.
The correct use of words is indispensable to a good
talker who would escape the unfavorable criticism of an
educated listener. There are many words and phrases,
used in some cases by persons who have known better,
but who have become careless from association with
others who make constant use of them. " Because that "
and "but that" should never be used in connection,
the word " that " being entirely superfluous. The word
" vocation" is often used for " avocation." " Unhealthy "
food is spoken of when it should be "unwholesome."
CONVERSATION. 95
" Had not ought to " is sometimes heard for " ought not
to;" "banister" for "baluster;" "handsful" and
"spoonsful" for "handfuls" and "spoonfuls;" "it was
him" for "it was he;" "it was me" for "it was I;"
"whom do you think was there?" for "who do you
think was there?"; " a mutual friend " for "a common
friend;" "like I did" instead of "as I did;" "those sort
of things" instead of "this sort of things;" "laying
down" for "lying down;" "setting on a chair" for
"sitting on a chair;" "try and make him" instead of
"try to make him;" "she looked charmingly" for "she
looked charming;" "loan" for "lend;" "to get along"
instead of "to get on; " "cupalo" instead of "cupola;"
" who " for " whom " as, " who did you see " for
"whom did you see;" double negatives, as, "he did not
do neither of those things;" "lesser" for "least;"
"move" instead of "remove;" "off -set" instead of
" set-off," and many other words which are often care-
lessly used by those who have been better taught, as
well as by those who are ignorant of their proper use.
SPEAKING ONE'S MIND.
Certain honest but unthinking people often commit
the grievous mistake of " speaking their mind " on all
occasions and under all circumstances, and oftentimes
to the great mortification of their hearers. And
especially do they take credit to themselves for their
courage, if their freedom of speech happens to give
offense to any of them. A little reflection ought to
show how cruel and unjust this is. The law restrains us
96 CONVERSATION.
from inflicting bodily injury upon those with whom we
disagree, yet there is no legal preventive against thig
wounding of the feeling of others.
UNWISE EXPRESSION OF OPINION.
Another class of people, actuated by the best of inten-
tions, seem to consider it a duty to parade their opinions
upon all occasions, and in all places without reflectiro:
that the highest truth will suffer from an unwise and
over-zealous advocacy. Civility requires that we give
to the opinions of others the same toleration that we
exact for our own, and good sense should cause us to
remember that we are never likely to convert a person
to our views when we begin by violating his notions of
propriety and exciting his prejudices. A silent advocate
of a cause is always better than an indiscreet one.
PROFANITY.
No gentleman uses profane language. It is unneces-
sary to add that no gentleman will use profane language
in the presence of a lady. For profanity there is no
excuse. It is a low and paltry habit, acquired from
association with low and paltry spirits, who possess no
sense of honor, no regard for decency and no reverence
or respect for beings of a higher moral or religious
nature than themselves. The man who habitually uses
profane language, lowers his moral tone with every oath
he utters. Moreover, the silliness of the practice, if no
other reason, should prevent its use by every man of
good sense.
CONVERSATION. 97
PUBLIC MENTION OF PBIYATE MATTERS.
Do not parade merely private matters before a public
or mixed assembly or to acquaintances. If strangers
really wish to become informed about you or your affaire,
they will find the means to gratify their curiosity with-
out your advising them gratuitously. Besides, personal
and family affairs, no matter how interesting they may
be to the parties immediately concerned, are generally
of little moment to outsiders. Still less will the well-
bred person inquire into or narrate the private affairs of
any other family or individual.
OSTENTATIOUS DISPLAY OF KNOWLEDGE.
In refined and intelligent society one should always
display himself at his best, and make a proper and legit-
imate use of all such acquirements as he may happen
to have. But there should be no ostentatious or pedan-
tic show of erudition. Besides being vulgar, such a
show subjects the person to ridicule.
PRUDERY.
Avoid an affectation of excessive modesty. Do not
use the word "limb" for "leg." If legs are really im-
proper, then let us, on no account, mention them. But
having found it necessary to mention them, let us by all
means give them their appropriate name.
DOUBLE ENTENDRES.
No person of decency, still less of delicacy, will be
guilty of double entendre. A well-bred person always
VS CONVERSATION.
refuses to understand a phrase of doubtful meaning. If
the phrase may be interpreted decently, and with such
interpretation would provoke a smile, then smile to just
the degree called for by such interpretation, and no
more. The prudery which sits in solemn and severe
rebuke at a double entendre is only second in indelicacy
to the indecency which grows hilarious over it, since
both must recognize the evil intent. It is sufficient to .
let it pass unrecognized.
INDELICATE WOKDS AND EXPEESSIONS.
v Not so when one hears an indelicate word or express-
ion, which allows of no possible harmless interpretation.
Then not the shadow of a smile should flit across the
lips. Either complete silence should be preserved in
return, or the words, "I do not understand you," be
spoken. A lady will always fail to hear that which she
should not hear, or, having unmistakably heard, she will
not understand.
VULGAR EXCLAMATIONS.
No lady should make use of any feminine substitute
for profanity. The woman who exclaims " The Dick-
ens !" or " Mercy !" or " Goodness !" when she is annoyed
or astonished, is as vulgar in spirit, though perhaps not
quite so regarded by society, as though she had used
expressions which it would require but little stretch of
it imagination to be regarded as profane.
CONVERSATION. 99
WIT.
You may be witty and amusing if you like,, or rather
if you can; but never use your wit |t the expense of
others.
" Wit's an unruly engine, wildly striking
Sometimes a friend, sometimes the engineer;
Hast thou the knack? pamper it not with liking;
But if thou want it, buy it not too dear.
Many affecting wit beyond their power
Have got to be a dear fool for an hour." HERBERT.
DISPLAY OF EMOTIONS.
Avoid all exhibitions of temper before others, if you
find it impossible to suppress them entirely. All emo-
tions, whether of grief or joy, should be subdued in
public, and only allowed full play in the privacy of your
own apartments.
IMPERTINENT QUESTIONS.
Never ask impertinent questions. Some authorities
in etiquette even go so far as to say that all questions
are strictly tabooed. Thus, if you wished to inquire
after the health of the brother of your friend, you would
say, " I hope your brother is well," not, " How is your
brother's health ?"
THE CONFIDENCE OF OTHERS.
Never try to force yourself into the confidence of
others ; but if they give you their confidence of their
own free will, let nothing whatever induce you to betray
100 CONVERSATION.
it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never divulge
one.
USE OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE.
Do not form the habit of introducing words and
phrases of French or other foreign languages into com-
mon conversation. This is only allowable in writing,
and not then except when the foreign word or phrase
expresses more clearly and directly than English can do
the desired meaning. In familiar conversation this is an
affectation, only pardonable when all persons present
are particularly familiar with the language.
PRETENSES.
Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pass for what you
are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make any
little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowledge
them as economies, if it becomes necessary to speak of
them at all. If you keep no carriage, do not be over-
solicitous to impress upon your friends that the sole rea-
son for this deficiency is because you prefer to walk.
Do not be ashamed of poverty; but, on the other hand,
do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the faces of others.
It is better to say nothing about it, either in excuse or
defense.
DOGMATIC STYLE OF SPEAKING.
Never speak dogmatically or with an assumption of
knowledge or information beyond that of those with
whom you are conversing. Even if you are conscious
of l.iis superiority, a proper and becoming modesty will
lead you to conceal it as far as possible, that you may
CONVERSATION. 101
not put to shame or humiliation those less fortunate than
yourself. If they discover your superiority of their
own accord, they will have much more admiration for
you than though you forced the recognition upon them.
If they do not discover it, you cannot force it upon their
perceptions, and they will only hold you in contempt for
trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that
you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a wise
man you are only a self-sufficient fool.
FAULT-FINDING.
Do not be censorious or fault-finding. Long and close
friendship may sometimes excuse one friend in reprov-
ing or criticising another, but it must always be done in
the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine oases out
of ten had best be left undone. When one is inclined
to be censorious or critical, it is well to remember the
scriptural injunction, " First cast the beam out of thine
own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to oast the mote
out of thy brother's eye. w
CONVERSING WITH LADIES.
A gentleman should never lower the intellectual
standard of his conversation in addressing ladies. Pay
them the compliment of seeming to consider them cap-
able of an equal understanding with gentlemen. You
will, no doubt, be somewhat surprised to find in how
many cases the supposition will be grounded on fact,
and in the few instances where it is not, tb.3 ladies will
be pleased rather than offended at the dercate compli-
102 CONVERSATION.
mcnt you pay them. When you " come down " to com-
monplace or small-talk with an intelligent lady, one of
two things is the consequence; she either recognizes the
condescension and despises you, or else she accepts it as
the highest intellectual effort of which you are capable,
and rates you accordingly.
HOBBIES.
People with hobbies are at once the easiest and most
difficult persons with whom to engage in conversation.
On general subjects they are idealess and voiceless
beyond monosyllables. But introduce their special
hobby, and if you choose you need only to listen. There
is much profit to be derived from the conversation of
these persons. They will give you a clearer idea of the
aspects of any subject or theory which they may have
taken to heart, than you could perhaps gain in any other
way.
The too constant riding of hobbies is not, however, to
be specially recommended. An individual, though he
may be pardoned in cultivating special tastes, should
yet be possessed of sufficiently broad and general infor-
mation to be able to converse intelligently on all sub-
jects, and he should, as far as possible, reserve his hobby-
riding for exhibition before those who ride hobbies
similar to his own.
THINGS TO BE AVOIDED.
It must be remembered that a social gathering should
never be mado the arena of a di^pnto. Consequently
CONVERSATION. 103
every subject liable to provoke a discussion should be
avoided. Even slight inaccuracy in a statement of facts
or opinions should rarely be remarked on in conversation.
Do not permit yourself to lose your temper in society,
nor show that you have taken offense at a supposed
slight.
If anyone should assume a disagreeable tone of voice
or offensive manner toward you, never return it in com-
pany, and, above all, do not adopt the same style of con-
versation with him. Appear not to notice it, and gen-
erally it will be discontinued, as it will be seen that it
has failed in its object.
Avoid all coarseness and undue familiarity in addres-
sing others. A person who makes himself offensively-
familiar will have few friends.
Never attack the character of others in their absence;
and if you hearjothers attacked, say what you can con-
sistently to defend them.
If you are talking on religious subjects, avoid all
cant. Cant words and phrases may be used in good
faith from the force of habit, but their use subjects the
speaker to a suspicion of insincerity.
Do not ask the price of articles you observe, except
from intimate friends, and then very quietly, and only
for some good reason.
Do not appear to notice an error in language, either
in pronunciation or grammar, made by the person with
whom you are conversing, and do not repeat correctly
the same word or phrase. This would be as ill-bred as
to correct it when spoken.
104 CONVERSATION.
Mimicry is ill-bred, and must be avoided.
Sneering at the private affairs of others has long ago
been banished from the conversation of well-mannered
people.
Never introduce unpleasant topics, nor describe
revolting scenes in general company.
Never give officious advice. Even when sought for,
give advice sparingly. .
Never, directly or indirectly, refer to the affairs of
others, which it may give them pain in any degree to
recall.
Never hold your companion in conversation by the
button-hole. If you are obliged to detain him forcibly
in order to say what you wish, you are pressing upon
him what is disagreeable or unwelcome, and you com-
mit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing.
Especially avoid contradictions, interruptions and
monopolizing all conversation yourself. These faults
are all intolerable and very offensive.
To speak to one person in a company in ambiguous
terms, understood by him alone, is as rude as if you had
whispered in his ear.
Avoid stale and trite remarks on commonplace sub-
jects; also all egotism and anecdotes of personal adven-
ture and exploit, unless they should be called out by
persons you are conversing with.
To make a classical quotation in a mixed company is
considered pedantic and out of place, as is also an osten-
tatious display of your learning.
A gentleman should avoid talking about his business
CONVERSATION.
105
or profession, unless such matters are drawn from him
by the person with whom he is conversing. It is in bad
taste, particularly, to employ technical or professional
terms in general conversation.
Long arguments or heated discussions are apt to be
tiresome to others, and should be avoided.
It is considered extremely ill-bred for two persons to
whisper in society, or to converse in a language with
which all persons are not familiar.
Avoid talking too much, and do not inflict upon your
hearers interminably long stories, in which they can
have but little interest.
CHAPTER IX.
Sitting ttt
INTNGr should be ranked among the
fine arts. A knowledge of dinner-
table etiquette is all important in
many respects; but chiefly in this:
that it is regarded as one of the
strong tests of good breeding. Din-
ners are generally looked upon as enter-
tainments for married people and the mid-
dle aged, but it is often desirable to have
some young unmarried persons among
the guests.
WHOM TO
Those invited should be of the same standing in soci-
ety. They need not necessarily be friends, nor even
acquaintances, but, at dinner, as people come into
closer contact than at a dance, or any other kind of a
party, those only should be invited to meet one another
who move in the same class of circles. Care must, of
course, be taken that those whom you think agreeable to
(108)
DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 107
each other are placed side by side around the festive
board. Good talkers are invaluable at a dinner party
people who have fresh ideas and plenty of warm words
to clothe them in; but good listeners are equally invalu-
able.
INVITATIONS.
Invitations to dinner parties are not usually sent by-
post, in cities, and are only answered by post where the
distance is such as to make it inconvenient to send the
note by hand. They are issued in the name of the gen-
tleman and lady of the house, from two to ten days in
advance. They should be answered as soon as received,
without fail, as it is necessary that the host and hostess
should know who are to be their guests. If the in dta-.
tion is accepted, the engagement should, on no account,
be lightly broken. This rule is a binding one, as the
non-arrival of an expected guest produces disarrange-
ment of plans. Gentlemen cannot be invited without
their wives, where other ladies than those of the family
are present; nor ladies without their husbands, when
other ladies are invited with their husbands. This rule
has no exceptions. No more than three out of a family
should be invited, unless the dinner party is a very large
one.
MANNER OF WRITING INVITATIONS.
The invitations should be written on small note paper,
which may have the initial letter or monogram stamped
upon it, but good taste forbids anything more. The
envelope should match the sheet of paper. The invita-
108 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT.
tion should be issued in the name of the host and hostess.
The form of invitations should be as follows:
An answer should be returned at once, so that if the
invitation is declined the hostess may modify her
arrangements accordingly.
INVITATION ACCEPTED.
An acceptance may be given in the following form,
and may be sent either by post or messenger:
DINNEB GIVING AND DINING OUT. 109
INVITATION DECLINED.
The invitation is declined in the following manner:
f
the cause may be)
/ s
Or,
<?
preventing cause may be) -^z-t-u-
{7
arz.
s
tiz&.ez&meW't (or whatever
S S
. <&mz
e
(whatever the
tit szt
't.. tm^z
Whatever the cause for declining may be, it should
be stated briefly, yet plainly, that there may be no
occasion for misunderstanding or hard feelings.
110 DINNER 01 VMSTG AND DINING OUT.
INVITATION TO TEA-PARTY.
The invitation to a tea-party may be less formal. It
may take the form of a friendly note, something in this
manner:
jfa
f
Z.& P '>$> Sfalfa- -tf
FAILING TO FILL AN ENGAGEMENT.
When it becomes absolutely necessary to break an
engagement once made for dinner or tea, a note must
be sent at once to the hostess and host, with full explan-
ation of the cause, so that your place may be supplied,
if possible.
PUNCTUALITY.
The hour generally selected in cities is after business
hours, or from five to eight o'clock. In the country or
villages it may be an hour or two earlier. To be punc-
tual at the hour mentioned is obligatory. If you are
too early you are in the way; if too late you annoy the
DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. Ill
hostess, cause impatience among the assembled guests,
and perhaps spoil the dinner. Fifteen minutes is the
longest time required to wait for a tardy guest.
THE SUCCESS OF A DINNER.
A host and hostess generally judge of the success of a
dinner by the manner in which conversation has been
sustained. If it has flagged often, it is considered proof
that the guests have not been congenial; but if a steady
stream of talk has been kept up, it shows that they have
smoothly amalgamated, as a whole. No one should
monopolize conversation, unless he wishes to win for
himself the appellation of a bore, and be avoided as-
such.
THE TABLE APPOINTMENTS.
A snow-white cloth of the finest damask, beaucitul
ehina, glistening or finely engraved glass, and polished
plate are considered essential to a grand dinner. Choice
flowers, ferns and mosses tastefully arranged, add much
to the beauty of the table. A salt-cellar should be
within the reach of every guest. Napkins should be
folded square and placed with a roll of bread upon each
plate. The dessert is placed on the table amidst the
flowers. An epergne, or a low dish of flowers, graces the
centre; stands of bon-bons and confectionery are ranged
on both sides of the table, which complete the decora-
tions of the table. The name of each guest, written
upon a card and placed one on each plate, marks the
seat assigned.
112 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT.
ASSIGNING PARTNERS FOR DINNER.
The number at a dinner should not be less than six^
nor more than twelve or fourteen. Then the host will
be able to designate to each gentleman the lady whom
he is to conduct to the table; but when the number
exceeds this limit it is a good plan to have the name of
each couple written upon a card and enclosed in aa
addressed envelope, ready to be handed to the gentle-
man by the servant, before entering the drawing-room,
or left on a tray for the guests to select those which
bear their names.
If a gentleman finds upon his card the name of a lady
with whom he is unacquainted, he requests the host to
present him immediately after he has spoken with the
hostess, also to any members of the family with whom
he is not acquainted.
INTRODUCTIONS.
All the guests should secure introductions to the one
for whom the dinner is given. If two persons, unknown
to each other, find themselves placed side by side at a
table, they may enter into conversation without an
introduction.
ARRANGEMENTS OF GUESTS AT THK TABLE.
When dinner is announced, the host offers his right arm
to the lady he is to escort to the table. The others follow,
arm in arm, the hostess being the last to leave the draw-
ing-room. Age should take the precedence in proceed-
DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 113
ing from the drawing-room to the dining-room, the
younger falling back until the elder have advanced.
The host escorts the eldest lady or the greatest stranger,
or if there be a bride present, precedence is given to her,
unless the dinner is given for another person, in which
case he escorts the latter. The hostess is escorted either
by the greatest stranger, or some gentleman whom she
wishes to place in the seat of honor, which is at her
right. The host places the lady whom he escorts at his
right. The seats of the host and hostess may be in the
middle and at opposite sides of the table, or at the
opposite ends. Husbands should not escort their wives,
or brothers their sisters, as this partakes of the nature
of a family gathering.
DINNER A LA RUSSE.
The latest and most satisfactory plan for serving din-
ners is the dinner a la Russe (the Russian style) all the
food being placed upon a side table, and servants do the
carving and waiting. This style gives an opportunity
for more profuse ornamentation of the table, which, as
the meal progresses, does not become encumbered with
partially empty dishes and platters.
DUTIES OF SERVANTS.
The servants commence, in passing the dishes, one
upon the right of the host and one upon the right of
the hostess. A master or mistress should never censure
the servants at dinner, however things may go wrong.
Servants should wear thin-soled shoes that their steps
8
DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT.
may be noiseless, and if they should use napkins in . j*v-
ing (as is the English custom) instead of gloves, Jieir
hands and nails should be faultlessly clean. A good
servant is never awkward. He avoids coughing, breath-
ing hard or treading on a lady's dress; never lets any
article drop, and deposits plates, glasses, knives, forks
and spoons noiselessly. It is considered good form for
a servant not to wear gloves in waiting at table, but to
use a damask napkin, with one corner wrapped around
the thumb, that he may not touch the plates and dishes
with the naked hand.
SOUP.
Soup is the first course. All should accept it even if
they let it remain untouched, because it is better to make
a pretense of eating until the next course is served, than
to sit waiting, or compel the servants to serve one before
the rest,. Soup should not be called for a second time.
A souy ! date should never be tilted for the last spoonf uL
FISH.
Fish follows soup and must be eaten with a fork, un-
less fish knives are provided. If fish knives are not pro-
vided, a piece of bread in the left hand answers the pur-
pose as well, with the fork in the right hand. Fish may
be declined, but must not be called for a second time.
THE SIDE DISHES.
After soup and fish come the side dishes, which must
be eaten with the fork, though the knife is used in cut-
ting meats and anything too hard for a fork.
DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 115
GENERAL RULES REGARDING DINNER.
When the plate of each course is set before you, with
the knife and fork upon it, remove the knife and fork at
once. This matter should be carefully attended to, as
the serving of an entire course is delayed by neglecting
to remove them.
Greediness should not be indulged in. Indecision
must be avoided. Do not take up one piece and lay it
down in favor of another, or hesitate.
Never allow the servant, or the one who pours, to
fill your glass with wine that you do not wish to
drink. You can check him by touching the rim of your
glass.
Cheese is eaten with a fork and not with a knife.
If you have occasion to speak to a servant, wait until
you can catch his eye, and then ask in a low tone for
what you want.
The mouth should always be kept closed in eating,
and both eating and drinking should be noiseless.
Bread is broken at dinner. Vegetables are eaten with
a fork.
Asparagus can be taken up with the fingers, if pre-
ferred. Olives and artichokes are always so eaten.
Fruit is eaten with silver knives and forks.
You are at liberty to refuse a dish that you do not
wish to eat. If any course is set down before you that
you do not wish, do not touch it. Never play with food,
nor mince your bread, nor handle the glass and silver
near you unnecessarily.
116 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT.
Never reprove a waiter for negligence or improper
conduct; that is the business of the host.
When a dish is offered you, accept or refuse at once,
and allow the waiter to pass on. A gentleman will see
that the lady whom he has escorted to the table is
helped to all she wishes, but it is officiousnsss to offer to
help other ladies who have escorts.
If the guests pass the dishes to one another, instead
of being helped by a servant, you should always help
yourself from the dish, if you desire it at all, before
passing it on to the next.
A knife should never, on any account, be put into the
mouth. Many people, even well-bred in other respects,
seem to regard this as an unnecessary regulation; but
when we consider that it is a rule of etiquette, and that
its violation causes surprise and disgust to many people,
it is wisest to observe it.
Be careful to remove the bones from fish before eating.
If a bone inadvertently should get into the mouth, the
lips must be covered with the napkin in removing it.
Cherry stones and grape skins should be removed from
the mouth as unobtrusively as possible, and deposited on
the side of the plate.
Never use a napkin in place of a handkerchief for
wiping the forehead, face or nose.
Pastry should be eaten with a fork. Every thing
that can be cut without a knife should be eaten with the
fork alone. Pudding may be eaten with a fork or spoon.
Never lay your hand, or play with your fingers, upon
the table. Do not toy with your knife, fork or spoon,
DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 117
make crumbs of your bread, or draw imaginary lines
upon the table cloth.
Never bite fruit. An apple, peach or pear should be
peeled with a knife, and all fruit should be broken or cut.
WAITING ON OTHERS.
If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or
elderly person, politeness requires him to save them all
trouble of procuring for themselves anything to eat or
drink, and of obtaining whatever they are in want of at
the table, and he should be eager to offer them what he
thinks may be most to their taste.
PRAISING DISHES.
A hostess should not express pride regarding what is
on her table, nor make apologies if everything she offers
you is not to her satisfaction. It is much better that
she should observe silence in this respect, and allow her
guests to eulogize her dinner or not, as they deem proper.
Neither is it in good taste to urge guests to eat, nor to
load their plates against their inclination.
MONOPOLIZING CONVERSATION.
For one or two persons to monopolize a conversation
which ought to be general, is exceedingly rude. If the
dinner party is a large one, you may converse with
those near you, raising the voice only loud enough to
be distinctly heard by the persons you are talking
with.
118 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT.
PICKING TEETH AT THE TABLE.
It is a mark of rudeness to pick your teeth at the
table, and it should always be avoided. To hold your
hand or napkin over your mouth does not avoid the
rudeness of the act, but if it becomes a matter of neces-
sity to remove some obstacle from between the teeth,
then your open mouth should be concealed by your hand
or napkin.
SELECTING A PARTICULAR DISH.
Never express a preference for any dish or any par-
ticular portion of a fowl or of meat, unless requested to
do so, and then answer promptly, that no time may be
wasted in serving you and others after you.
DUTIES OP HOSTESS AND HOST.
Tact and self-possession are demanded of the hostess,
in order that she may perform her duties agreeably,
which are not onerous. She should instruct her servants
not to remove her plate until her guests have finished.
If she speaks of any omission by which her servants
have inconvenienced her guests, she must do it with
dignity, not betraying any undue annoyance. She must
put all her guests at their ease, and pay every possible
attention to the requirements of each and all around her.
No accident must disturb her; no disappointment em-
barrags her. If her precious china and her rare glass
are broken before her eyes, she must seem to take but
litt^a or no notice of it.
The host must aid the hostess in her efforts. He should
DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 119
have ease and frankness of manner, a calmness of tem-
per that nothing can ruffle, and a kindness of disposition
that can never be exhausted. He must encourage the
timid, draw out the silent and direct conversation rather
than sustain it himself.
No matter what may go wrong, a hostess should never
seem to notice it to the annoyance of her guests. By
passing it over herself, it will very frequently escape the
attention of others. If her guests arrive late, she should
welcome them as cordially as if they had come early,
but she will commit a rudeness to those who have arrived
punctually, if she awaits dinner for tardy guests for
more than the fifteen minutes of grace prescribed by
custom.
RETIRING FROM THE TABLE.
"When the hostess sees that all h%ve finished, she looks
at the lady who is sitting at the right of the host, and
the company rise, and withdraw in the order they are
seated, without precedence. After retiring to the draw-
ing-room, the guests should intermingle in a social man-
ner. It is expected that the guests will remain from
one to three hours after dinner.
ACCEPTING HOSPITALITY A SIGN OF GOOD WILL.
As eating with another under his own roof is in all
conditions of society regarded as a sign of good-will,
those who partake of proffered hospitalities, only to
gossip about and abuse their host and hostess, should
remember, that in the opinion of all honorable persons,
they injure themselves by so doing.
120 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT.
CALLS AFTER A DINNER PARTY.
Calls should be made shortly after a dinner party by
all who have been invited, whether the invitation be
accepted or not.
RETURNING HOSPITALITY.
Those who are in the habit of giving dinner parties,
should return the invitation before another is extended
to them. Society is very severe upon those who do not
return debts of hospitality, if they have the means to do
so. If they never entertain anyone because of limited
means, or for other good reasons, it is so understood, and
it is not expected that they should make exceptions ; or
if they are in the habit of giving other entertainments
and not dinners, their debts of hospitality can be
returned by invitations to whatever the entertainment
might be. Some are deterred from accepting invita-
tions by the feeling that they cannot return the hospi-
tality in so magnificent a form. It is not the costly
preparations, nor the expensive repast offered which are
the most agreeable features of any entertainment, but it
is the kind and friendly feeling shown. Those who are
not deterred from accepting such invitations for this
reason, and who enjoy the fruits of friendliness thus
shown them, must possess narrow views of their duty,
and very little self-respect, if, when an opportunity pre-
sents itself in any way to reciprocate the kind feeling
manifested, they fail to avail themselves of it. True
hospitality, however, neither expects nor desires any
return.
DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 121
EXPENSIVE DINNERS NOT THE MOST ENJOYABLE.
It is a mistake to think that in giving a dinner, it is
indispensable to have certain dishes and a variety of
wines, because others serve them. Those who entertain
frequently often use their own discretion, and never
feel obliged to do as others do, if they wish to do differ-
ently. Some of the most enjoyable dinners given are
those which are least expensive. It is this mistaken
feeling that people cannot entertain without committing
all sorts of extravagances, which causes many persons,
in every way well qualified to do incalculable good
socially, to exclude themselves from all general society.
WINES AT DINNERS.
The menu of a dinner party is by some not regarded
as complete, unless it includes one or more varieties
of wine. When used it is first served after soup, but
any guest may, with propriety, decline being served.
This, however, must not be done ostentatiously. Simply
say to the waiter, or whoever pours it, "not any; thank
you." Wine, offered at a dinner party, should never be
criticized, however poor it may be. A person who has
partaken of wine, may also decline to have the glass
filled again.
If the guests should include one or more people of
well-known temperance principles, in deference to the
scruples of these guests, wines or liquors should not be
brought to the table. People who entertain should
also be cautious as to serving wines at alL It is impos-
122 DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT.
sible to tell what harm you may do to some of your
highly esteemed guests. It may be that your palatable
wines may create an appetite for the habitual use of
wines or stronger alcoholic liquors; or you may renew
a passion long controlled and entombed; or you may
turn a wavering will from a seemingly steadfast resolu-
tion to forever abstain. This is an age of reforms, the
temperance reform being by no means the least power-
ful of these, and no ladies or gentlemen will be censured
or misunderstood if they neglect to supply their din-
ner table with any kind of intoxicating liquor. Mrs.
ex-President Hayes banished wines and liquors from her
table, and an example set by the " first lady of the land n
can be safely followed in every American household,
whatever may have been former prevailing customs. It
is safe to say that no " mistress of the White House "
will ever set aside the temperance principles established
by Mrs. Hayes.
CHAPTER X.
awl
T is of the highest importance that all
persons should conduct themselves
with the strictest regard to good
breeding, even in the privacy of their
own homes, when at table, a neglect
of such observances will render one
stiff and awkward in society. There
are so many little points to be observed,
that unless a person is habitually accus-
tomed to observe them, he unconsciously
commits some error, or will appear awk-
ward and constrained upon occasions when it
is important to be fully at ease. To be thor-
oughly at ease at such times is only acquired
by the habitual practice of good manners at the table,
and is the result of proper home training. It is the
duty of parents to accustom their children, by example
as well as by precept, to be attentive and polite to each
other at every meal, as well as to observe proper rules of
etiquette, and if they do so, they need never fear that
they will be rude or awkward when they go abroad.
Even when persons habitually eat alone, they should pay
(123)
124 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE.
due regard to the rules of etiquette, for by so doing they
form habits of ease and gracefulness which are requisite
in refined circles; otherwise they speedily acquire rude
and awkward habits which they cannot shake off with-
out great difficulty, and which are at times embarrassing
to themselves and their friends. In private families it
should be observed as a rule to meet together at all
meals of the day around one common table, where the
same rules of etiquette should be rigidly enforced, as
though each member of the family were sitting at a
stranger's table. It is only by this constant practice of
the rules of good behaviour at home, that good manners
become easy when any of them go abroad.
THE BREAKFAST.
At the first meal of the day, even in the most orderly
households, an amount of freedom is allowed, which
would be unjustifiable at any other meal. The head of
the house may look over his morning paper, and the
various other members may glance over correspondence
or such books or studies as they are interested in. Each
may rise and leave the table when business or pleasure
dictates, without awaiting for the others or for a gen-
eral signal.
The breakfast table should be simply decorated, yet
it may be made very attractive with its snowy cloth and
napkins, its array of glass, and its ornamentation of
fruits and flowers. Bread should be placed upon the
table, cut in slices. In eating, it must always be
broken, never cut, and certainly not bitten. Fruit should
TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 125
be served in abundance at breakfast whenever practi-
cable. There is an old adage which declares that " fruit
is gold in the morning, silver at noon, and lead at night."
LUNCHEON.
In many of our large cities, where business prevents
the head of the family from returning to dinner until a
late hour, luncheon is served about midday and serves
as an early dinner for children and servants. There is
much less formality in the serving of lunch than of din-
ner. It is all placed upon the table at once, whether it
consists of one or more courses. Where only one or
two are at luncheon, the repast is ordinarily served on a
tray.
DINNER.
The private family dinner should be the social hour of
the day. Then parents and children should meet
together, and the meal should be of such length as to
admit of the greatest sociality. It is an old saying that
chatted food is half digested. The utmost good feeling
should prevail among all. Business and domestic cares
and troubles should be, for the time, forgotten, and the
pleasures of home most heartily enjoyed. In another
chapter we have spoken at length upon fashionable din-
ner parties.
THE KNIFE AND B'OKK.
The knife and fork were not made for playthings, and
should not be used as such when people are waiting at
the table for the food to be served. Do not hold them
erect in your hands at each side of your plate, nor cross
126 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE.
them on your plate when you have finished, no^ make a
noise with them. The knife should only be used for
cutting meats and hard substances, while the fork, held
in the left hand, is used in carrying food into the mouth.
A knife must never, on any account, be put into the
mouth. When you send your plate to be refilled, do
not send your knife and fork, but put them upon a piece
of bread, or hold them in your hand.
GREEDINESS.
To put large pieces of food into your mouth appears
greedy, and if you are addressed when your mouth is
so filled, you are obliged to pause, before answering,
until the vast mouthful is masticated, or run the risk of
choking, by swallowing it too hastily. To eat very fast
is also a mark of greediness, and should be avoided.
The same may be said of soaking up gravy with bread,
scraping up sauce with a spoon, scraping your plate and
gormandizing upon one or two articles of food only.
GENERAL RULES ON TABLE ETIQUETTE.
Refrain from making a noise when eating, or supping
from a spoon, and from smacking the lips or breathing
heavily while masticating food, as they are marks of ill-
breeding. The lips should be kept closed in eating as
much as possible.
It is rude and awkward to elevate your elbows and
move your arms at the table, so as to incommode those
on either side of you.
Whenever one or both hands are unoccupied, they
TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 127
should be kept below the table, and not pushed upon the
table and into prominence.
Do not leave the table before the rest of the family
or guests, without asking the head, or host, to excuse
you, except at a hotel or boarding house.
Tea or coffee should never be poured into a saucer to
cool, but sipped from the cup.
If a person wishes to be served with more tea or cof-
fee, he should place his spoon in his saucer. If he has
had sufficient, let it remain in the cup.
If by chance anything unpleasant is found in the
food, such as a hair in the bread or a fly in the coffee,
remove it without remark. Even though your own
appetite be spoiled, it is well not to prejudice others.
Always make use of the butter-knife, sugar-spoon and
salt-spoon, instead of using your knife, spoon or fingers.
Never, if possible, cough or sneeze at the table.
At home fold your napkin when you are done with it
and place it in your ring. If you are visiting, leave
your napkin unfolded beside your plate.
Eat neither too fast nor too slow.
Never lean back in your chair, nor sit too near or too
far from the table.
Keep your elbows at your side, so that you may not
inconvenience your neighbors.
Do not find fault with the food.
The old-fashioned habit of abstaining from taking the
last piece upon the plate is no longer observed. It is to
be supposed that the vacancy can be supplied, if nec-
essary.
128
TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE.
If a plate is handed you at the table, keep it yourself
instead of passing it to a neighbor. If a dish is passed
to you, serve yourself first, and then pass it on.
The host or hostess should not insist upon guests par-
taking of particular dishes; nor ask persons more than
once, nor put anything on their plates which they have
declined. It is ill-bred to urge a person to eat of any-
thing after he has declined.
When sweet corn is served on the ear, the grain should
be pared from it upon the plate, instead of being eaten
from the cob.
Strive to keep the cloth as clean as possible, and use
the edge of the plate or a side dish for potato skins and
other refuse.
CHAPTER XL
, parties and galls.
ORNING RECEPTIONS, as they are
called, but more correctly speaking,
afternoon parties, are generally held
from four to seven o'clock in the
afternoon. Sometimes a sufficient
number for a quadrille arrange to
remain after the assemblage has for
the most part dispersed.
THE DRESS.
The dress for receptions is, for men,
morning dress; for ladies, demi-toilet, with
or without bonnet. No low-necked dress nor
0c^o* short sleeves should be seen at day recep-
tions, nor white neck-ties and dress coats.
The material of a lady's costume may be of velvet,
silk, muslin, gauze or grenadine, according to the season
of the year, and taste of the wearer, but her more elegant
jewelry and laces should be reserved for evening parties.
THE REFRESHMENTS.
The refreshments for " morning receptions " are gen-
erally light, consisting of tea, coffee, frozen punch,
9 (129)
130 BECEPTIONS, PASTIES AND BALLS.
claret punch, ices, fruit and cakes. Often a cold colla-
tion is spread after the lighter refreshments have been
served, and sometimes the table is set with all the vari-
eties, and renewed from time to time.
INVITATIONS.
Invitations to a reception are simple, and are usually
very informal. Frequently the lady's card is sent with
the simple inscription, " At Home Thursday, from four
to seven." No answers are expected to these invitations,
unless "R. S. V. P." is on one corner. One visiting
card is left by each person who is present, to serve for
the after call. No calls are expected from those who
attend. Those who are not able to be present, call soon
after.
MUSICAL MATINEES.
A matinee musicale partakes of the nature of a recep-
tion, and is one of the most difficult entertainments
attempted. For this it is necessary to secure those per-
sons possessing sufficient vocal and instrumental talent
to insure the success of the entertainment, and to arrange
with them a programme, assigning to each, in order, his
or her part. It is customary to commence with a piece
of instrumental music, followed by solos, duets, quar-
tettes, etc., with instrumental music interspersed, in not
too great proportions. Some competent person is needed
as accompanist. It is the duty of the hostess to main-
tain silence among her guests during the performance
of instrumental as well as vocal music. If any are un-
aware of the breach of good manners they commit in
RECEPTIONS, PAJRTIES AND BALLS. 131
Balking or whispering at such times, she should by a
gesture endeavor to acquaint them of the fact. It is the
duty of the hostess to see that the ladies are accom-
panied to the piano; that the leaves of the music are
turned for them, and that they are conducted to their
seats again. When not intimately acquainted with them,
the hostess should join in expressing gratification.
The dress at a musical matinee is the same as at a
reception, only bonnets are more generally dispensed
with. Those who have taken part, often remain for a
hot supper.
PARTIES IN THE COUNTRY.
Morning and afternoon parties in the country, or at
watering places, are of a less formal character than in
cities. The hostess introduces such of her guests as she
thinks most likely to be mutually agreeable. Music or
some amusement is essential to the success of such
parties.
SUNDAY HOSPITALITIES.
In this country it is not expected that persons will
call after informal hospitalities extended on Sunday.
All gatherings on that day ought to be informal. No
dinner parties are given on Sunday, or, at least, they are
not considered as good form in good society.
FIVE O'CLOCK TEA, COFFEE AND KETTLE-DBUMS.
Five o'clock tea, coffee and kettle-drums have recently
introduced into this country from England. For
132 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
these invitations are usually issued on the lady's visiting
card, with the words written in the left hand corner.
&
Or, if for a kettle-drum:
No answers are expected to these invitations, unless
there is an R. S. V. P. on the card. It is optional with
those who attend, to leave cards. Those who do not
attend, call afterwards. The hostess receives her guests
standing, aided by other members of the family or inti-
mate friends. For a kettle-drum there is usually a
crowd, and yet but few remain over half an hour the
conventional time alloted unless they are detained by
music or some entertaining conversation. A table set
in the dining-room is supplied with tea, coffee, choco-
late, sandwiches, buns and cakes, which constitute all
that is offered to the guests.
There is less formality at a kettle-drum than at a
larger day reception. The time is spent in desultory
conversation with friends, in listening to music, or such
entertainment as has been provided.
Gentlemen wear the usual morning dress. Ladies
wear the demi-toilet, with or without bonnets.
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 133
At five o'clock tea (or coffee), the equipage is on a
side table, together with plates of thin sandwiches, and
of cake. The pouring of the tea and paesiiig of refresh-
ments are usually done by some members of the family
or friends, without the assistance of servants, where the
number assembled is small; for, as a rule, the people who
frequent these social gatherings, care more for social
intercourse than for eating and drinking.
MORE FORMAL ENTERTAINMENTS.
Evening parties and balls are of a much more formal
character than the entertainments that have been men-
tioned. They require evening dress. Of late years,
however, evening dress is almost as much worn at grand
dinners as at balls and evening parties, only the material
is not of so diaphanous a character. Lace and muslin
are out of place. Invitations to evening parties should
be sent from a week to two weeks in advance, and in all
cases they should be answered immediately.
BALLS.
The requisites for a successful ball are good music and
plenty of people to dance. An English writer says,
" The advantage of the ball is, that it brings young peo-
ple together for a sensible and innocent recreation, and
takes them away from silly, if not from bad ones; that
it gives them exercise, and that the general effect of the
beauty, elegance and brilliancy of a ball is to elevate
rather than to deprave the mind." It may be that the
round dance is monopolizing the ball room to a too great
134 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
extent, and it is possible that these may be so frequent
as to mar the pleasure of some persons who do not care
to participate in them, to the exclusion of " square " and
other dances. America should not be the only nation
that confines ball room dancing to waltzes, as is done in
some of our cities. There should be an eqiial number
of waltzes and quadrilles, with one or two contra dances,
which would give an opportunity to those who object
(or whose parents object) to round dances to appear on
the floor.
PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL.
There should be dressing-rooms for ladies and gentle-
men, with a servant or servants to each. There should
be cards with the names of the invited guests upon them,
or checks with duplicates to be given to the guests ready
to pin upon the wraps of each one. Each dressing-
room should be supplied with a complete set of toilet
articles. It is customary to decorate the house elabor-
ately with flowers. Although this is an expensive lux-
ury, it adds much to beautifying the rooms.
THE MUSIC.
Four musicians are enough for a " dance." When the
dancing room is small, the flageolet is preferable to the
horn, as it is less noisy and marks the time as well. The
piano and violin form the mainstay of the band; but
when the rooms are large enough, a larger band may be
employed.
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 135
THE DANCES.
The dances should be arranged beforehand, and for
large balls programmes are printed with a list of the
dances. Usually a ball opens with a waltz, followed by
a quadrille, and these are succeeded by galops, lancers,
polkas, quadrilles and waltzes in turn.
INTRODUCTIONS AT A BALL.
Gentlemen who are introduced to ladies at a ball,
solely for the purpose of dancing, wait to be recognized
before speaking with ladies upon meeting afterwards,
but they are at liberty to recall themselves by lifting
their hats in passing. In England a ball-room acquaint-
ance rarely goes any farther, until they have met at more
balls than one; so, also, a gentleman cannot, after being
introduced to a young lady, ask her for more than two
dances during the same evening. In England an intro-
duction given for dancing purposes does not constitute
acquaintanceship. With us, as in Continental Europe,
it does. It is for this reason that, in England, ladies are
expected to bow first, while on the Continent it is the
gentlemen who give the first marks of recognition, as it
should be here, or better still, simultaneously, when the
recognition is simultaneous. It is as much the gentle-
man's place to bow (with our mode of life) as it is the
lady's. The one who recognizes first should be the first
to show that recognition. Introductions take place in a
ball room in order to provide ladies with partners, or
between persons residing in different cities. In all
136 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
other cases permission is asked before giving introduc-
tions. But where a hostess is sufficiently discriminating
in the selection of her guests, those assembled under her
roof should remember that they are, in a certain sense,
made known to one another, and ought, therefore, to be
able to converse freely without introductions.
RECEIVING GUESTS.
The custom of the host and hostess receiving together,
is not now prevalent. ' The receiving devolves upon the
hostess, but it is the duty of the host to remain within
sight until after the arrivals are principally over, that
he may be easily found by any one seeking him. The
same duty devolves upon the sons, who, that evening,
must share their attentions with all. The daughters, as
well as the sons, will look after partners for the young
ladies who desire to dance, and they will try to see that
no one is neglected before they join the dancers them-
selves.
AN AFTEB-CALL.
After a ball, an after-call is due the lady of the house
at which you were entertained, and should be made as
soon as convenient within two weeks at the farthest.
The call loses its significance entirely, and passes into
remissness, when a longer time is permitted to elapse.
If it is not possible to make a call, send your card or
leave it at the door. It has become customary of late
for a lady who has no weekly reception day, in sending
invitations to a ball, to inclose her card in each invita-
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 137
tion for one or more receptions, in order that the after-
calls due her may be made on that day.
SUPPEB.
The supper-room at a ball is thrown open generally at
twelve o'clock. The table is made as elegant as beauti-
ful china, cut-glass and an abundance of flowers can
make it. The hot dishes are oysters, stewed, fried,
broiled and scalloped, chicken, game, etc., and the cold
dishes are such as boned turkey, bceuf'd la mode, chicken
salad, lobster salad and raw oysters. When supper is
announced, the host leads the way with the lady to
whom he wishes to show especial attention, who may be
an elderly lady, or a stranger or a bride. The hostess
remains until the last, with the gentleman who takes her
to supper, unless some distinguished guest is present,
with whom she leads the way. No gentleman should
ever go into the supper-room alone, unless he has seen
every lady enter before him. When ladies are left
unattended, gentlemen, although strangers, are at liberty
to offer their services in waiting upon them, for the host
and hostess are sufficient guarantees for the respecta-
bility of their guests.
THE NUMBER TO INVITE.
Persons giving balls or dancing parties should be
careful not to invite more than their rooms will accom-
modate, so as to avoid a crush. Invitations to crowded
balls are not hospitalities, but inflictions. A hostess is
usually safe, however, in inviting one-fourth more than
138 BECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
her rooms will hold, as that proportion of regrets are apt
to be' received. People who do not dance will not, as a
rule, expect to be invited to a ball or dancing party.
DUTIES OF GUESTS.
Some persons may be astonished to learn that any
duties devolve upon the guests. In fact there are circles
where all such duties are ignored.
It is the duty of every person who has at first accepted
the invitation, and subsequently finds that it will be
impossible to attend, to send a regret, even at the last
moment, and as it is rude to send an acceptance with ne
intention of going, those who so accept will do well to
remember this duty. It is the duty of every lady who
attends a ball, to make her toilet as fresh as possible.
It need not be expensive, but it should at least be clean;
it may be simple, but it should be neither soiled nor
tumbled. The gentlemen should wear evening dress.
It is the duty of every person to arrive as early as
possible after the hour named, when it is mentioned in
the invitation.
Another duty of guests is that each one should do all
in his or her power to contribute to the enjoyment of
the evening, and neither hesitate nor decline to be
introduced to such guests as the hostess requests. It is
not binding upon any gentleman to remain one moment
longer than he desires with any lady. By constantly
moving from one to another, when he feels so inclined,
he gives an opportunity to others to circulate as freely;
and this custom, generally introduced in our society,
RECEPTIONS, PAKTIES AND BALLS. 139
would go a long way toward contributing to the enjoy-
ment of all. The false notion generally entertainetl that
a gentleman is expected to remain standing by the side
of a lady, like a sentinel on duty, until relieved by some
other person, is absurd, and deters many who would
gladly give a few passing moments to lady acquaint-
ances, could they but know that they would be free to
leave at any instant that conversation flagged, or that
they desired to join another. In a society where it is
not considered a rudeness to leave after a few sentences
with one, to exchange some words with another, there
is a constant interchange of civilities, and the men circu-
late through the room with that charming freedom
which insures the enjoyment of alL
While the hostess is receiving, no person should
remain beside her except members of her family who
receive with her, or such friends as she has designated
to assist her. All persons entering should pass on to
make room for others.
SOME SUGGESTIONS FOB GENTLEMEN.
A gentleman should never attempt to step across a
lady's train. He should walk around it. If by any acci-
dent he should tread upon any portion of her dress, he
must instantly beg her pardon, and if by greater care-
lessness he should tear it, he must pause in his course and
offer to escort her to the dressing-room so that she may
have it repaired.
If a lady asks any favor of a gentleman, such as to
send a servant to her with a glass of water, to take her
14:0 .RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
into the ball-room when she is without an escort, to
inquire whether her carriage is in waiting, or any of
the numerous services which ladies often require, no
gentleman will, under any circumstances, refuse her
request.
A really well-bred man - will remember to ask the
daughters of a house to dance, as it is his imperative
duty to do so; and if the ball has been given for a lady
who dances, he should include her in his attentions. If
he wishes to be considered a thorough-bred gentleman,
he will sacrifice himself occasionally to those who are
unsought and neglected in the dance. The conscious-
ness of having performed a kind and courteous action
will be his reward.
When gentlemen, invited to a house on the occasion
of an entertainment, are not acquainted with all the
members of the family, their first duty, after speaking
to their host and hostess, is to ask some common friend
to introduce them to those members whom they do not
know. The host and hostess are often too much occu-
pied in receiving to be able to do this.
DUTIES OF AN ESCORT.
A lady's escort should call for her and accompany her
to the place of entertainment; go with her as far as the
dressing-room, return to meet her there when she is pre-
pared to go to the ball-room; enter the latter room with
her and lead her to the hostess; dance the first dance
with her; conduct her to the supper-room, and be ready
to accompany her home whenever she wishes to go. He
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 14:1
should watch during the evening to see that she is sup-
plied with dancing partners. "When he escorts her home
she should not invite him to enter the house, and even
if she does so, he should by all means decline the invi-
tation. He should call upon her within the next two
days.
GENERAL RULES FOR BALLS.
A young man who can dance, and will not dance,
should stay away from a ball.
The lady with whom a gentleman dances last is the
one he takes to supper. Therefore he can make no en-
gagement to take out any other, unless his partner is
already engaged.
Public balls are most enjoyable when you have your
own party. The great charm of a ball is its perfect
accord and harmony. All altercations, loud talking and
noisy laughter are doubly ill-mannered in a ball-room.
Very little suffices to disturb the whole party.
In leaving a ball, it is not deemed necessary to wish
the lady of the house a good night. In leaving a small
dance or party, it is civil to do so.
The difference between a ball and an evening party
is, that at a ball there must be dancing, and at an even-
ing party there may or may not be. A London authority
defines a ball to be " an assemblage for dancing, of not
less than seventy-five persons."
Common civility requires that those who have not
been present, but who were among the guests invited,
should, when meeting the hostess the first time after an
entertainment, make it a point to express some acknowl-
142 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
edgment of their appreciation of the invitation, by
regretting their inability to be present.
When dancing a round dance, a gentleman should
never hold a lady's hand behind him, or on his hip, or
high in the air, moving her arm as though it were a
pump handle, as seen in some of our western cities, but
should hold it gracefully by his side.
Never forget ball-room engagements, nor confuse
them, nor promise two dances to one person. If a lady
has forgotten an engagement, the gentleman she has
thus slighted must pleasantly accept her apology.
Good-breeding and the appearance of good temper are
inseparable.
It is not necessary for a gentleman to bow to his part-
ner after a quadrille; it is enough that he offers his arm
and walks at least half way round the room with her<.
He is not obliged to reman beside her unless he wishes
to do so, but may leave her with any lady whom she
knows.
Never be seen without gloves in a ball-room, or with
those of any other color than white, unless they are of
the most delicate hue.
Though not customary for a married couple to dance
together in society, those men who wish to show their
wives the compliment of such unusual attention, if they
possess any independence, will not be deterred from
doing so by their fear of any comments from Mrs.
Grundy.
The sooner that we recover from the effects of the
Puritanical idea that clergymen should never be seen at
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 143
Iballs, the better for all who attend them. Where it is
wrong for a clergyman to go, it is wrong for any mem-
ber of his church to be seen.
In leaving a ball room before the music has ceased, if
no members of the family are in sight, it is not necessary
to find them before taking your departure. If, how-
ever, the invitation is a first one, endeavor not to make
your exit until you have thanked your hostess for the
entertainment. You can speak of the pleasure it has
afforded you, but it is not necessary that you should
say "it has been a grand success."
Young ladies must be careful how they refuse to
dance, for unless a good reason is given, a gentleman is
apt to take it as evidence of personal dislike. After a
lady refuses, the gentleman should not urge her to dance,
nor should the lady accept another invitation for the
same dance. The members of the household should see
that those guests who wish to dance are provided with
partners.
Ladies leaving a ball or party should not allow gentle-
men to see them to their carriages, unless overcoats and
hats are on for departure.
When balls are given, if the weather is bad, an awning
should be provided for the protection of those passing
from their carriages to the house. In all cases, a broad
piece of carpet should be spread from the door to the
carriage steps.
Gentlemen should engage their partners for the
approaching dance, before the music strikes up.
In a private dance, a lady cannot well refuse to dance
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
with any gentleman who invites her, unless she has a
previous engagement. If she declines from weariness,
the gentleman will sJbow her a compliment by abstaining
from dancing himself, and remaining with her while the
dance progresses.
CHAPTER XII.
of tfte
TTE manners of a person are clearly
shown by his treatment of the peo-
ple he meets in the public streets of
a city or village, in public convey-
ances and in traveling generally.
The true gentleman, at all times, in
all places, and under all circumstan-
ces, is kind and courteous to all he meets,
regards not only the rights, but the wishes
and feelings of others, is deferential to
women and to elderly men, and is ever
ready to extend his aid to those who need it.
THE STREET MANNERS OF A LADY.
The true lady walks the street, wrapped in a mantle
of proper reserve, so impenetrable that insult and coarse
familiarity shrink from her, while she, at the same time,
carries with her a congenial atmosphere which attracts
all, and puts all at their ease.
A lady walks quietly through the streets, seeing and
hearing nothing that she ought not to see and hear, recog-
10
(1451
146 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.
nizing acquaintances with a courteous bow, and friends
with words of greeting. She is always unobtrusive,
never talks loudly, or laughs boisterously, or does any-
thing to attract the attention of the passers-by. She
walks along in her own quiet, lady-like way, and by her
pre-occupation is secure from any annoyance to which a
person of less perfect breeding might be subjected.
A lady never demands attention and favors from a
gentleman, but, when voluntarily offered, accepts them
gratefully, graciously, and with an expression of hearty
thanks.
FORMING STREET ACQUAINTANCES.
A lady never forms an acquaintance upon the street,
or seeks to attract the attention or admiration of persons
of the other sex. To do so would render false her claims
to ladyhood, if it did not make her liable to far graver
charges.
RECOGNIZING FRIENDS IN THE STREET.
No one, while walking the streets, should fail, through
pre-occupation, or absent-mindedness, to recognize friends
or acquaintances, either by a bow or some form of salu-
tation. If two gentlemen stop to talk, they should retire
to one side of the walk. If a stranger should be in com-
pany with one of the gentlemen, an introduction is not
necessary. If a gentleman meets another gentleman in
company with a lady whom he does not know, he lifts
his hat to salute them both. If he knows the lady, he
should salute her first. The gentleman who accompanies
a lady, always returns a salutation made to her.
ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 147
A CROWDED STREET.
"When a gentleman and lady are walking in the street,
if at any place, by reason of the crowd, or from other
cause, they are compelled to proceed singly, the gentle-
man should always precede his companion.
INTRUSIVE INQUIRIES.
If you meet or join or are visited by a person who has
any article whatever, under his arm or in his hand, and
he does not offer to show it to you, you should not, even
if it be your most intimate friend, take it from him and
look at it. That intrusive curiosity is very inconsistent
with the delicacy of a well-bred man, and always offends
in some degree.
THE FIRST TO BOW.
In England strict etiquette requires that a lady, meet-
ing upon the street a gentleman with whom she has
acquaintance, shall give the first bow of recognition.
In this country, however, good sense does not insist upon
an imperative following of this rule. A well-bred man
bows and raises his hat to every lady of his acquaintance
whom he meets, without waiting for her to take the in-
itiative. If she is well-bred, she will certainly respond
to his salutation. As politeness requires that each salute
the other, their salutations will thus be simultaneous.
ALWAYS RECOGKIZE ACQUAINTANCES.
One should always recognize lady acquaintances in
the street, either by bowing or words of greeting, a gen-
148
ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.
tleraan lifting his hat. If they stop to speak, it is not
obligatory to shake hands. Shaking hands is not for-
bidden, but in most cases it is to be avoided in public.
GENTLEMAN MEETING A LADY.
BOWING TO STRANGERS WITH FRIENDS.
If a gentleman meets a friend, and the latter has a
stranger with him, all three should bow. If the gentle-
man stops his friend to speak to him, he should apolo-
gize to the stranger for detaining him. If the stranger
is a lady, the same deference should be shown as if she
were an acquaintance.
ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 14:9
DO NOT LACK POLITENESS.
Never hesitate in acts of politeness for fear they will
not be recognized or returned. One cannot be too
polite so long as he conforms to rules, while it is easy
to lack politeness by neglect of them. Besides, if cour-
tesy is met by neglect or rebuff, it is not for the cour-
teous person to feel mortification, but the booris-h one;
and so all lookers-on will regard the matter.
TALKING WITH A LADY IN THE STREET.
In meeting a lady it is optional with her whether
she shall pause to speak. If the gentleman has any-
thing to say to her, he should not stop her, but turn
around and walk in her company until he has said what
he has to say, when he may leave her with a bow and
a lift of the hat.
LADT AND GENTLEMAN WALKING TOGETHER.
A gentleman walking with a lady should treat her
with the most scrupulous politeness, and may take either
side of the walk. It is customary for the gentleman to
have the lady on his right hand side, and he offers her his
right arm, when walking arm in arm. If, however, the
street is crowded, the gentleman must keep the lady on
that side of him where she will be the least exposed to
crowding.
OFFERING THE ARM TO A LADY.
A gentleman should, in the evening, or whenever her
safety, comfort or convenience seems to require it, offer
150 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.
a lady companion his arm. At other times it is not cus-
tomary to do so unless the parties be husband and wife
or engaged. In the latter case, it is not always advis-
able to do so, as they may be made the subject of unjust
remarks.
KEEPING STEP.
In walking together, especially when arm in arm, it is
desirable that the two keep step. Ladies should be par-
ticular to adapt their pace as far as practicable, to that
of their escort. It is easily done.
OPENING THE DOOE FOB A LADY.
A gentleman should always hold open the door for a
lady to enter first. This is obligatory, not only in the
case of the lady who accompanies him, but also in that
of any strange lady who chances to be about to enter at
the same time.
ANSWERING QUESTIONS.
A gentleman will answer courteously any questions
which a lady may address to him upon the street, at the
same time lifting his hat, or at least touching it re-
spectfully.
SMOKING UPON THE STREETS.
In England a well-bred man never smokes upon the
streets. While this rule does not hold good in this
country, yet no gentleman will ever insult a lady by
smoking in the streets in her company, and in meeting
and saluting a lady he will always remove his cigar from
his mouth.
ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 151
OFFENSIVE BEHAVIOR.
No gentleman is ever guilty of the offense of standing
on street corners and the steps of hotels or other public
places and boldly scrutinizing every lady who passes.
CARRYING PACKAGES.
A gentleman will never permit a lady with whom he
is walking to carry a package of any kind, but will in-
sist upon relieving her of it. He may even accost a
lady when he sees her overburdened and offer his assist-
ance, if their ways lie in the same direction.
SHOUTING.
Never speak to your acquaintances from one side of
the street to the other. Shouting is a certain sign of
vulgarity. First approach, and then make your com-
munication to your acquaintance or friend in a moder-
ately loud tone of voice.
TWO GENTLEMEN WALKING WITH A LADY.
"When two gentlemen are walking with a lady in the
street they should not be both upon the same side of her,
but one of them should walk upon the outside and the
other upon the inside.
CROSSING THE STREET WITH A LADY.
If a gentleman is walking with a lady who has his
arm, and they cross the street, it is better not to disen-
gage the arm, and go round upon the outside. Such
152 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.
effort evinces a palpable attention to form, and that is
always to be avoided.
FULFILLING AN ENGAGEMENT.
When on your way to fill an engagement, if a friend
stops you on the street you may, without committing
a breach of etiquette, tell him of your appointment, and
release yourself from any delay that may be occasioned
by a long talk ; but do so in a courteous manner, ex-
pressing regret for the necessity.
WALKING WITH A LADY ACQUAINTANCE.
A gentleman should not join a lady acquaintance on
the street for the purpose of walking with her, unless he
ascertains that his company would be perfectly agree-
able to her. It might be otherwise, and she should
frankly say so, if asked.
PASSING BEFORE A LADY.
When a lady wishes to enter a store, house or room,
if a gentleman accompanies her, he should hold the door
open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; for a
gentleman must never pass before a lady anywhere if he
can avoid it, or without an apology.
SHOPPING ETIQUETTE.
In inquiring for goods at a store or shop, do not say
to the clerk or salesman, " I want " such an article, but,
" Please show me " such an article, or some other polite
form of address.
ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 153
You should never take hold of a piece of goods or an
article which another person is examining. Wait until
It is replaced upon the counter, when you are at liberty
to examine it.
It is rude to interrupt friends whom you meet in a
store before they have finished making their purchases,
or to ask their attention to your own purchases. It is
rude to offer your opinion unasked, upon their judg-
ment or taste, in the selection of goods.
It is rude to sneer at and depreciate goods, and exceed-
ingly discourteous to the salesman. Use no deceit, but
be honest with them, if you wish them to be honest with
you.
Avoid "jewing down" the prices of articles in any
way. If the price does not suit, you may say so quietly,
and depart, but it is generally best to say nothing about
it.
It is an insult for the salesman to offensively suggest
that you can do better elsewhere, which should be
resented by instant departure.
Ladies should not monopolize the time and attention
of salesmen in small talk, while other customers are in
the store to be waited upon.
Whispering in a store is rude. Loud and showy be-
haviour is exceedingly vulgar.
ETIQUETTE FOB PUBLIC CONVEYANCES.
In street cars, omnibuses and other public street con-
veyances, it should be the endeavor of each passenger
to make room for all persons entering, and no gentle-
154: ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.
man will retain his seat when there are ladies standing.
When a lady accepts a seat from a gentleman, she ex-
presses her thanks in a kind and pleasant manner.
A lady may, with perfect propriety, accept the offer
of services from a stranger in alighting from, or enter-
ing an omnibus or other public conveyance, and should
always acknowledge the courtesy with a pleasant
" Thank you, sir," or a bow.
Never talk politics or religion in a public conveyance.
Gentlemen should not cross their legs, nor stretch
their feet out into the passage-way of a public convey-
ance.
AVOID CUTTING.
No gentleman will refuse to recognize a lady after she
has recognized him, under any circumstances. A young
lady should, under no provoation, "cut" a married
lady. It is the privilege of age to first recognize those
who are younger in years. No young man will fail to
recognize an aged one after he has met with recognition.
" Cutting " is to be avoided if possible. There are other
ways of convincing a man that you do not know him,
yet, to young ladies, it is sometimes the only means
available to rid them of troublesome acquaintances.
" Cutting " consists in returning a bow or recognition
with a stare, and is publicly ignoring the acquaintance
of the person so treated. It is sometimes done by words
in saying, "Really I have not the pleasure of your
acquaintance."
ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 155
AVOIDING CARRIAGES.
For a lady to run across the street to avoid an ap-
proaching carriage is inelegant and also dangerous. To
attempt to cross the street between the carriages of a
funeral procession, is rude and disrespectful. The for-
eign custom of removing the hat and standing in a
respectful attitude until the melancholy train has passed,
is a commendable one to be followed in this country.
KEEP TO THE BIGHT.
On meeting and passing people in the street, keep to
your right hand, except when a gentleman is walking
alone; then he must always turn aside to give the pre-
ferred side of the walk to a lady, to anyone carrying a
heavy load, to a clergyman or to an old gentleman.
SOME GENERAL SUGGESTIONS.
If a gentleman is walking with two ladies in a rain
storm, and there is but one umbrella, he should give it
to his companions and walk outside. Nothing can be
more absurd than to see a gentleman walking between
two ladies holding an umbrella which perfectly protects
himself, but half deluges his companions with its drip-
ping streams.
Never turn a corner at full speed or you may find
yourself knocked down, or may knock down another, by
the violent contact. Always look in the way you are
going or you may chance to meet some awkward col-
lision.
156
ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.
A young lady should, if possible, avoid walking alone
in the street after dark. If she passes the evening with
a friend, provision should be made beforehand for an
escort. If this is not practicable, the person at whose
house she is visiting should send a servant with her, or
some proper person a gentleman acquaintance present,
or her own husband to perform the duty. A married
lady may, however, disregard this rule, if circumstances
prevent her being able to conveniently find an escort.
A gentleman will always precede a lady up a flight
of stairs, and allow her to precede him in going down.
Do not quarrel with a hack-driver about his fare, but
pay him and dismiss him. If you have a complaint to
make against him, take his name and make it to the
proper authorities. It is rude to keep a lady waiting
while you are disputing with a hack-man.
CHAPTER XIII.
of xxMic
LL well-bred persons will conduct
themselves at all times and in
all places with perfect decorum.
Wherever they meet people they
will be found polite, considerate of
the comfort, convenience and wishes
of others, and unobtrusive in their
behavior. They seem to know, as if by
instinct, how to conduct themselves,
wherever they may go, or in whatever
society they may be thrown. They con-
sider at all times the fitness of things, and
their actions and speech are governed by
feelings of gentleness and kindness towards
everybody with whom they come into social
relations, having a due consideration for the opinions
and prejudices of others, and doing nothing to wound
their feelings. Many people, however, either from igno-
rance, thoughtlessness or carelessness, are constantly
violating some of the observances of etiquette pertaining
to places of public assemblages. It is for this reason
that rules are here given by which may be regulated the
(157)
158 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.
conduct of people in various public gatherings, where
awkwardness and ostentatious display often call forth
unfavorable criticism.
CONDUCT IK CHURCH.
A gentleman should remove his hat upon entering the
auditorium.
When visiting a strange church, you should wait in
the vestibule until an usher appears to show you to a
seat.
A gentleman may walk up the aisle either a little
ahead of, or by the side of a lady, allowing the lady to
first enter the pew. There should be no haste in pass-
ing up the aisle.
People should preserve the utmost silence and deco-
rum in church, and avoid whispering, laughing, staring,
or making a noise of any kind with the feet or hands.
It is ill-mannered to be late at church. If one is
unavoidably late, it is better to take a pew as near the
door as possible.
Ladies always take the inside seats, and gentlemen
the outside or head of the pew. When a gentleman
accompanies a lady, however, it is customary for him to
sit by her side during church services.
A person should never leave church until the services
are over, except in some case of emergency.
Do not turn around in your seat to gaze at anyone, to
watch the choir, to look over the congregation or to see
the cause of any disturbing noise.
If books or fans are passed in church, let them be
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 159
offered and accepted or refused with a silent gesture of
the head.
It is courteous to see that strangers are provided with
Books; and if the service is strange to them, the places
for the day's reading should be indicated.
It is perfectly proper to offer to share the prayer-book
or hymn-book with a stranger if there is no separate
book for his use.
In visiting a church of a different belief from your
own, pay the utmost respect to the services and conform
in all things to the observances of the church that is,
kneel, sit and rise with the congregation. No matter
how grotesquely some of the forms and observances may
strike you, let no smile or contemptuous remark indicate
the fact while in the church.
When the services are concluded, there should be no
haste in crowding up the aisle, but the departure should
be conducted quietly and decorously. When the vesti-
fcule is reached, it is allowable to exchange greetings
with friends, but here there should be no loud talking
nor boisterous laughter. Neither should gentlemen
congregate in knots in the vestibule or upon the steps of
the church and compel ladies to run the gauntlet of their
eyes and tongues.
If a Protestant gentleman accompanies a lady who is
a Roman Catholic to her own church, it is an act of
courtesy to offer the holy water. This he must do with
the ungloved right hand.
In visiting a church for the mere purpose of seeing
the edifice, one should always go at a time when there
160 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.
are no services being held. If people are even the*
found at their devotions, as is apt to be the case in
Roman Catholic churches especially, the demeanor of
the visitor should be respectful and subdued and hie
voice low, so that he may not disturb them.
INVITATION TO OPEKA OB CONCERT.
A gentleman upon inviting a lady to accompany him
to opera, theatre, concert or other public place of amuse-
ment, must send his invitation the previous day. The
lady must reply immediately, so that if she declines,
there shall yet be time for the gentleman to secure
another companion.
It is the gentleman's duty to secure good seats for
the entertainment, or else he or his companion may be
obliged to take up with seats where they can neither see
nor hear.
CONDUCT IN OPERA, THEATER OR PUBLIC HALL.
On entering the hall, theater or opera house the gen-
tleman should walk side by side with his companioa
unless the aisle is too narrow, in which case he should
precede her. Upon reaching the seats, he should allow
her to take the inner one, assuming the outer one himself.
A gentleman should, on no account, leave the lady's
side from the beginning to the close of the performance.
If it is a promenade concert or opera, the lady may
be invited to promenade during the intermission. If she
declines, the gentleman must retain his position by her
side.
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 161
There is no obligation whatever upon a gentleman to
give up his seat to a lady. On the contrary, his duty is
solely to the lady whom he accompanies. He must
remain beside her during the evening to converse with
her between the acts, and to render the entertainment
as agreeable to her as possible.
During the performance complete quiet should be
preserved, that the audience may not be prevented from
seeing or hearing. Between the acts it is perfectly
proper to converse, but it should be done in a low tone,
so as not to attract attention. Neither should one whis-
per. There should be no loud talking, boisterous laugh-
ter, violent gestures, lover-like demonstrations or any-
thing in manners or speech to attract the attention of
others.
It is proper and desirable that the actors be applauded
when they deserve it. It is their only means of know-
ing whether they are giving satisfaction.
The gentleman should see that the lady is provided
with a programme, and with libretto also if they are-
attending opera.
In passing out at the close of the performance the
gentleman should precede the lady, and there should be
no crowding or pushing.
If the means of the gentleman warrant him in so-
doing, he should call for his companion in a carriage..
This is especially necessary if the evening is stormy..
He should call sufficiently early to allow them to reach
their destination before the performance commences.
162 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.
It is unjust to the whole audience to come in late and
make a disturbance in obtaining seats.
The gentleman should ask permission to call upon the
lady the following day, which permission she should
grant; and if she be a person of delicacy and tact, she
will make him feel that he has conferred a real pleasure
upon her by his invitation. Even if she finds occasion
for criticism in the performance, she should be lenient
in this respect, and seek for points to praise instead, that
he may not feel regret at taking her to an entertain-
ment which has proved unworthy.
REMAIN UNTIL THB PERFORMANCE CLOSES.
At a theatrical or operatic performance, you should
remain seated until the performance is concluded and
the curtain falls. It is exceedingly rude and ill-bred to
rise and leave the hall while the play is drawing to a
close, yet this severely exasperating practice has of late
been followed by many well-meaning people, who, if
they were aware of the extent to which they outraged
the feelings of many of the audience, and unwittingly
offered an insult to the actors on the stage, would shrink
from repeating such flagrantly rude conduct.
CONDUCT IN PICTURE-GALLERIES.
In visiting picture-galleries one should always main-
tain the deportment of a gentleman or a lady. Make
no loud comments and do not seek to show superior
knowledge in art matters by gratuitous criticism. If
you have not an art education you will probably only
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 163
be giving publicity to your own ignorance, Do not
stand in conversation before a picture, and thus obstruct
the view of others who wish to see rather than talk. If
you wish to converse with any anyone on general sub-
jects, draw to one side, out of the way of those who
want to look at the pictures.
CONDUCT AT CHARITY FAIRS.
In visiting a fancy fair make no comments on either
the 'article or their price, unless you can praise. If you
want them, pay the price demanded, or let them alone.
If you can conscientiously praise an article, by all means
do so, as you may be giving pleasure to the maker if
she chances to be within hearing. If you have a table
at a fair, use no unladylike means to obtain buyers.
Not even the demands of charity can justify you in im-
portuning others to purchase articles against their own
judgment or beyond their means.
Never appear so beggarly as to retain the change, if
a larger amount is presented than the price, Offer the
change promptly, when the gentleman will be at liberty
to donate it if he thinks best, and you may accept it
with thanks. He is, however, under no obligation what-
ever to make such donation.
Be guilty of no loud talking or laughing, and by all
means avoid conspicuous flirting in so public a place.
As a gentleman must always remove his hat in the
presence of ladies, so he should remain with head uncov-
ered, carrying his hat in his hand, in a public place of
this character.
164- ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.
CONDUCT IN AN ARTIST'S STUDIO.
If you have occasion to visit an artist's studio, by no
means meddle with anything in the room. Reverse no
picture which stands or hangs with face to the wall;
open no portfolio without permission, and do not alter
by a single touch any lay-figure or its drapery, piece of
furniture or article of vertu posed as a model. You do-
not know with what care the artist may have arranged
these things, nor what trouble the disarrangement may
cost him.
Use no strong expression either of delight or disap-
probation at anything presented for your inspection. If
a picture or a statue please you, show your approval and
appreciation by close attention, and a few quiet, well
chosen words, rather than by extravagant praise.
Do not ask the artist his prices unless you really in-
tend to become a purchaser; and in this case it is best
to attentively observe his works, make your choice, and
trjist the negotiation to a third person or to a written cor-
respondence with the artist after the visit is concluded-
You may express your desire for the work and obtain
the refusal of it from the artist. If you desire to con-
clude the bargain at once you may ask his price, and if
he names a higher one than you wish to give, you may
say as much and mention the sum you are willing to pay,
when it will be optional with the artist to maintain his
first price or accept your offer.
It is not proper to visit the studio of an artist except
by special invitation or permission, and at an appointed
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 105
time, for you cannot estimate how much you may dis-
turb him at his work. The hours of daylight are all
golden to him; and steadiness of hand in manipulating
a pencil is sometimes only acquired each day after
hours of practice, and may be instantly lost on the irrup-
tion and consequent interruption of visitors.
Never take a young child to a studio, for it may do
much mischief in spite of the most careful watching.
At any rate, the juvenile visitor will try the artist's tem-
per and nerves by keeping him in a constant state of
apprehension.
If you have engaged to sit for your portrait never
keep the artist waiting one moment beyond the appointed
time. If you do so you should in justice pay for the
time you make him lose.
A visitor should never stand behind an artist and
watch him at his work; for if he be a man of nervous
temperament it will be likely to disturb him greatly.
GENTLEMEN PASSING BEFORE LADIES.
Gentleman having occasion to pass before ladies who
are already seated in lecture and concert rooms, theaters
and other public places, should beg pardon for disturbing
them; passing with their faces and never with their
backs toward them.
WHERE GENTLEMEN MAY KEEP THEIR HATS ON.
At garden parties and at all assemblies held in the
open air, gentlemen keep their hats on their heads. If
draughts of cold air, or other causes, make it necessary
166
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.
for them to retain their hats on their heads, when in the
presence of ladies within doors, they explain the necess-
ity and ask permission of the ladies whom they accom-
pany.
CHAPTER XIV.
of
HERE is nothing that tests the natural
politeness of men and women so
thoroughly- as traveling. We all de-
sire as much comfort as possible and
as a rule are selfish. In these days
of railroad travel, when every rail-
way is equipped with elegant coaches-
for the comfort, convenience and some-
times luxury of its passengers, and pro-
vided with gentlemanly conductors and
servants, the longest journeys by railroad
can be made alone by self-possessed ladies with
perfect safety and but little annoyance. Then,
too, a lady who deports herself as such may
travel from the Atlantic to the Pacific, from
Maine to the Gulf of Mexico, and meet with no affront
or insult, but on the contrary receive polite attentions-
at every point, from men who may chance to be her fel-
low-travelers. This may be accounted for from the
fact that, as a rule in America, all men show a deff eren-
tial regard for women, and are especially desirous of
showing them such attentions as will render a long and
lonesome journey as pleasant as possible.
(167)
168 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING.
DUTIES OF AN ESCORT.
However self-possessed and ladylike in all her deport-
ment and general bearing a lady may be, and though
capable of undertaking any journey, howsoever long it
may be, an escort is at all times much more pleasant,
and generally acceptable. When a gentleman under-
takes the escort of a lady, he should proceed with her
to the depot, or meet her there, a sufficient time before
the departure of the train to attend to the checking of
her baggage, procure her ticket, and obtain for her an
eligible seat in the cars, allowing her to choose such
seat as she desires. He will then dispose of her pack-
ages and hand-baggage in their proper receptacle, and
make her seat and surroundings as agreeable for her as
possible, taking a seat near her, or by the side of her if
she requests it, and do all he can to make her journey a
pleasant one.
Upon arriving at her destination, he should conduct
her to the ladies' waiting-room or to a carriage, until he
has attended to her baggage, which he arranges to have
delivered where the lady requests it. He should then
escort her to whatever part of the city she is going and
deliver her into the hands of her friends before relaxing
his care. On the following day he should call upon her
to inquire after her health. It is optional with the lady
whether the acquaintance shall be prolonged or not after
this call. If the lady does not wish to prolong the
acquaintance, she can have no right, nor can her friends,
to request a similar favor of him at another time.
ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 169
THE DUTY OF A LADY TO HER ESCORT.
The lady may supply her escort with a sum of money
ample to pay all the expenses of the journey before pur-
chasing her ticket, or furnish him the exact amount
required, or, at the suggestion of her escort, she may
allow him to defray the expenses from his own pocket,
and settle with him at the end of the journey. The
latter course, however, should only be pursued when the
gentleman suggests it, and a strict account of the ex-
penses incurred must be insisted on.
A lady should give her attendant as little trouble and
annoyance as possible, and she should make no unnec-
essary demands upon his good nature and gentlemanly
services. Her hand-baggage should be as small as cir-
cumstances will permit, and when once disposed of, it
should remain undisturbed until she is about to leave
the car, unless she should absolutely require it. As the
the train nears the end of her journey, she will deliber-
ately gather together her effects preparatory to depar-
ture, so that when the train stops she will be ready to
leave the car at once and not wait to hurriedly grab
her various parcels, or cause her escort unnecessary
delay.
A LADY TRAVELING ALONE.
A lady, in traveling alone, may accept services from
her fellow-travelers, which she should always acknowl-
edge graciously. Indeed, it is the business of a gentle-
man to see that the wants of an unescorted lady are
attended to. He should offer to raise or lower her win-
170 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING.
dow if she seems to have any difficulty in doing it her-
self. He may offer his assistance in carrying her pack-
ages upon leaving the car, or in engaging a carriage or
obtaining a trunk. Still, women should learn to be as
self-reliant as possible; and young women particularly
should accept proffered assistance from strangers, in all
but the slightest offices, very rarely.
LADIES MAT ASSIST OTHEE LADIES.
It is not only the right, but the duty of ladies to ren-
der any assistance or be of any service to younger ladies,
or those less experienced in traveling than themselves.
They may show many little courtesies which will
make the journey less tedious to the inexperienced trav-
eler, and may give her important advice or assistance
which may be of benefit to her. An acquaintance f ormed
in traveling, need never be retained afterwards. It ig
optional whether it is or not.
THE COMFORT OF OTHERS.
In seeking his own comfort, no passenger has a right
to overlook or disregard that of others. If for his own
comfort, he wishes to raise or lower a window he should
consult the wishes of passengers immediately around
him before doing so. The discomforts of traveling
should be borne cheerfully, for what may enhance your
own comfort may endanger the health of some fellow-
traveler.
ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 171
tTTENDING TO THE WANTS OF OTHERS.
See everywhere and at all times that ladies and elderly
people have their wants supplied before you think of
your own. Nor is there need for unmanly haste or
pushing in entering or leaving cars or boats. There is
always time enough allowed for each passenger to enter
in a gentlemanly manner and with a due regard to the
rights of others.
If, in riding in the street-cars or crossing a ferry, your
friend insists on paying for you, permit him to do so
without serious remonstrance. You can return the
favor at some other time.
BEADING WHEN TRAVELLING.
If a gentleman in traveling, either on cars or steam-
boat, has provided himself with newspapers or other
reading, he should offer them to his companions first.
If they are refused, he may with propriety read himself,
leaving the others free to do the same if they wish.
OCCUPYING TOO MANY SEATS.
No lady will retain possession of more than her right-
ful seat in a crowded car. When others are looking
for accommodations she should at once and with all
cheerfulness so dispose of her baggage that the seat
beside her may be occupied by anyone who desires it,
no matter how agreeable it may be to retain possession
of it.
It shows a great lack of proper manners to see two
172 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING.
ladies, or a lady and gentleman turn over the seaA In
front of them and fill it with their wraps and bwtdles,
retaining it in spite of the entreating or remonstrating
looks of fellow-passengers. In such a case any person
who desires a seat is justified in reversing the back,
removing the baggage .and taking possession of the un-
used seat.
RETAINING POSSESSION OF A SEAT.
A gentleman in traveling may take possession of a
seat and then go to purchase tickets or look after bag-
gage or procure a lunch, leaving the seat in charge of a
companion, or depositing traveling-bag or overcoat upon
it to show that it is engaged. When a seat is thus oc-
cupied, the right of possession must be respected, and
no one should presume to take a seat thus previously
engaged, even though it may be wanted for a lady. A
gentleman cannot, however, in justice, vacate his seat
to take another in the smoking-car, and at the same
time reserve his rights to the first seat. He pays for
but one seat, and by taking another he forfeits the first.
It is not required of a gentleman in a railway car to
relinquish his seat in favor of a lady, though a gentle-
man of genuine breeding will do so rather than allow
the lady to stand or suffer inconvenience from poor
accommodations.
In the street cars the case is different. No woman
should be allowed to stand while there is a seat occupied
by a man. The inconvenience to the man will be tem-
porary and trifling at the most, and he can well afford
to suffer it rather than to do an uncourteous act.
ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING 173
DISCRETION IN FOKMING ACQUAINTANCES.
While an acquaintance formed in a railway car or on
a steamboat, continues only during the trip, discretion
should be used in making acquaintances. Ladies may
as has been stated, accept small courtesies and favors
from strangers, but must check at once any attempt at
familiarity. On the other hand, no man who pretends
to be a gentleman will attempt any familiarity. The
practice of some young girls just entering into woman-
hood, of flirting with any young man they may chance
to meet, either in a railway car or on a steamboat, indi-
cates low-breeding in the extreme. If, however, the
journey is long, and especially if it be on a steamboat,
a certain sociability may be allowed, and a married lady
or a lady of middle age may use her privileges to make
the journey an enjoyable one, for fellow-passengers
should always be sociable to one another.
CHAPTER XV.
NE of the most exhilarating and en-
joyable amusements that can be in-
dulged in by either ladies or gen-
tlemen is that of riding on horse-
back, and it is a matter of regret
that it is not participated in to a
greater extent than it is. The eti-
quette of riding, though meagre, is exact
and important.
LEABNTNG TO BIDE.
The first thing to do is to learn to ride, and
no one should attempt to appear in public
until a few preliminary lessons in riding are
taken. Until a person has learned to appear
at ease on horseback, he or she should not appear in
public. The advice given in the old rhyme should be
kept in mind, viz:
Keep up your head and your heart,
Your hands and your heels keep down ,
Press your knees close to your horse's sides,
And your elbows close to your own.
(174)
RIDING AND DRIVING.
THE GENTLEMAN'S DUTY AS AN ESCORT.
When a gentleman contemplates riding with a lady,
his first duty is to see that her horse is a proper one for
her use, and one that she can readily manage. He
must see that her saddle and bridle are perfectly secure,
and trust nothing of this kind to the stable men, with-
out personal examination. He must be punctual at the
appointed hour, and not keep the lady waiting for him
clad in her riding costume. He should see the lady
comfortably seated in her saddle before he mounts him-
self; take his position on the lady's right in riding, open
all gates and pay all tolls on the road.
176 RIDING AND DRIVING
ASSISTING A LADY TO MOUNT.
The lady will place herself on the left side of the horse,
standing as close to it as possible, with her skirts gath-
ered in her left hand, her right hand upon the pommel,
and her face toward the horse's head. The gentleman
should stand at the horse's shoulder, facing the lady,
and stooping, hold his hand so that she may place her
foot in it. This she does, when the foot is lifted as she
springs, so as to gently aid her in gaining the saddle.
The gentleman must then put her foot in the stirrup,
smooth the skirt of her riding habit, and give her the
reins and her riding whip.
RIDING WITH LADIES.
In riding with one lady, a gentleman takes his posi-
tion to the right of her. When riding with two or
more, his position is still to the right unless one of them
needs his assistance or requests his presence near her.
He must offer all the courtesies of the road, and yield
the best and shadiest side to the ladies. The lady must
always decide upon the pace at which to ride. It is un-
generous to urge her or incite her horse to a faster gait
than she feels competent to undertake.
If a gentleman, when riding alone, meets a lady who
is walking and wishes to enter into conversation with
her, he must alight and remain on foot while talking
with her.
KIDIXG AXD DRIVING. 177
ASSISTING A LADY TO ALIGHT FROM HER HORSE.
After the ride, the gentleman must assist his com-
panion to alight. She must first free her knee from the
pommel, and be certain that her habit is entirely disen-
gaged. He must then take her left hand in his right,
and offer his left hand as a step for her foot. He then
lowers his hand slowly and allows her to reach the
ground gently without springing. A lady should not
attempt to spring from the saddle.
DRIVING.
The choicest seat in a double carriage is the one fac-
ing the horses, and gentlemen should always yield this
seat to the ladies. If only one gentleman and one lady
are riding in a two-seated carriage, the gentleman must
sit opposite the lady, unless she invites him to a seat by
her side. The place of honor is on the right hand of
the seat facing the horses. This is also the seat of the
hostess, which she never resigns. If she is not driving, it
must be offered to the most distinguished lady. A person
should enter a carriage with the back to the seat, so as
to prevent turning round in the carriage. A gentle-
man must be careful not to trample upon or crush a
lady's dress. In driving, one should always remember
that the rule of the road in meeting and passing another
vehicle is to keep to the right.
12
178 RIDING AND DRIVING.
ASSISTING LADIES TO ALIGHT,
A gentleman must first alight from a carriage, even
if he has to pass before a lady in doing so. He must
then assist the ladies to alight. If there is a servant
with the carriage, the latter may hold open the door,
but the gentleman must by all means furnish the ladiea>
the required assistance. If a lady has occasion to leave
the carriage before the gentleman accompanying her, he
must alight to assist her out, and if she wishes to resume
her seat, he must again alight to help her to do so.
In assisting a lady to enter a carriage, a gentleman
will take care that the skirt of her dress is not allowed
to hang outside. A carriage robe should be provided
to protect her dress from the mud and dust of the road.
The gentleman should provide the lady with her para-
sol, fan and shawl, and see that she is comfortable in
every way, before he seats himself.
TRUSTING THE DRIVER.
While driving with another who holds the reins, you
must not interfere with the driver, as anything of this
kind implies a reproof, which is very offensive. If you
think his couduct wrong, or are in fear of danger result-
ing, you may delicately suggest a change, apologizing
theref or, You should resign yourself to the driver's con-
trol, and be perfectly calm and self-possessed during the
course of a drive.
CHAPTER XVI.
atxd
HE correct behavior of young men
toward young ladies, and of young
ladies toward young men, during
that portion of their lives when they
are respectively paying attention to,
and receiving attention from, one
another, is a matter which requires
consideration in a work of this nature.
A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT TOWARD LADIES.
Young people of either sex, who have
arrived at mature age, and who are not en-
gaged, have the utmost freedom in their social
intercourse in this country, and are at liberty
to associate and mingle freely in the same cir-
cles with those of the opposite sex. Gentlemen are at
liberty to invite their lady friends to concerts, operas,
balls, etc., to call upon them at their homes, to ride and
drive with them, and make themselves agreeable to al)
young ladies to whom their company is acceptable. In
fact they are at liberty to" accept invitations and give
them ad libitum. As soon, however, as a young gentle-
180 OOCKT8HIP AXD MARRIAGE.
man neglects all others, to devote himself to a single
lady, he gives that lady reason to suppose that he is par
ticularly attracted to her, and may give her cause to
believe that she is to become engaged to him, without
telling her so. A gentleman who does not contemplate
matrimony should not pay too exclusive attention to any
one lady.
A LADY'S CONDUCT TOWARD GENTLEMEN.
A young lady who is not engaged may receive calls
and attentions from such unmarried gentlemen as she
desires, and may accept invitations to ride, to concerts,
theatres, etc. She should use due discretion, however,
as to whom she favors by the acceptance of such invita-
tions. A young lady should not allow special attention
from anyone to. whom she is not specially attracted,
because, first, she may do injury to the gentleman in
seeming to give his suit encouragement; and, secondly,
she may keep away from her those whom she likes bet-
ter, but who will not approach her under the mistaken
idea that her feelings are already interested. A young
lady should not encourage the addresses of a gentleman
unless she feels that she can return his affections. It is
the prerogative of a man to propose, and of a woman to
accept or refuse, and a lady of tact and kind heart will
exercise her prerogative before her suitor is brought
to the humiliation of an offer which must result in a
refusal.
No well-bred lady will too eagerly receive the atten-
tions of a gentleman, no matter how much she admires
OOUKTSHIP AST) MABKIA&K. 1S1
him; nor, on the other hand, will she be so reserred as
to altogether discourage him, A man may show con-
siderable attention to a lady without becoming a lover;
and so a lady may let it be seen that die is not disagree-
able to him without discouraging him, She will be able
to judge soon from his actions and deportment, as to his
motive in paying her his attentions, and wffl treat him
accordingly. A man does not like to be refused when
he makes a proposal, and no man of tact will risk a
refusal Neither will a well-bred lady encourage a man
to make a proposal, which she must refuse. She should
endeavor, in discouraging him as a lover, to retain his
friendship. A young man of sensibilities, who can take
a hint when it is offered him, need not run the risk of a
refusaL
PEEXATCBE DECLARATION.
It is very injudicious, not to say presumptuous, for a
gentleman to make a proposal to a young lady on too
brief an acquaintance. A lady who would accept a gen-
tleman at first sight can hardly possess the discretion
needed to make a good wife.
THOROUGH ACQUADTTAXCTS AS A. BASK JOB MAKKIAGK.
Perhaps there is such a thing as love at first sight,
but love alone is a very uncertain foundation upon which
to base marriage. There should be thorough acquain-
tanceship and a certain knowledge of harmony of
tastes and temperaments before matrimony is ventured
upon.
182 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
PROPER MANNER OF COURTSHIP.
It is impossible to lay down any rule as to the proper
mode of courtship and proposal. In France it is the
business of the parents to settle all preliminaries. In
England the young man asks the consent of the parents
to pay addresses to their daughter. In this country the
matter is left almost entirely to the young people.
It seems that circumstances must determine whether
courtship may lead to engagement. Thus, a man may
begin seriously to court a girl, but may discover before
any promise binds them to each other, that they are en-
tirely unsuited to one another, when he may, with per-
fect propriety and without serious injury to the lady,
withdraw his attentions.
Certain authorities insist that the consent of parents
must always be obtained before the daughter is asked to
give herself in marriage. While there is nothing improper
or wrong in such a course, still, in this country, with
our social customs, it is deemed best in most cases not
to be too strict in this regard. Each case has its own
peculiar circumstances which must govern it, and it
seems at least pardonable if the young man should pre-
fer to know his fate directly from the lips of the most
interested party, before he submits himself to the cooler
judgment and the critical observation of the father and
mother, who are not by any means in love with him,
and who may possibly regard him with a somewhat
jealous eye, as having already monopolized their daugh-
ter's affections, and now desires to take her away from
them altogether.
COTJKTSHIP AXD MARRIAGE. 183
PAEEXTS SHOULD EXERCISE AUTHORITY OVER DAUGHTERS.
Parents should always be perfectly familiar with the
character of their daughter's associates, and they should
exercise their authority so far as not to permit her to
form any improper acquaintances. In regulating the
social relations of their daughter, parents should bear in
mind the possibility of her falling in love with any one
with whom she may come in frequent contact. There-
fore, if any gentleman of her acquaintance is particu-
larly ineligible as a husband, he should be excluded as
far as practicable from her society.
A WATCHFUL CARE REQUIRED BY PARENTS.
Parents, especially mothers, should also watch with a
jealous care the tendencies of their daughter's affections;
and if they see them turning toward unworthy or unde-
sirable objects, influence of some sort should be brought
to bear to counteract this. Great delicacy and tact are
required to manage matters rightly. A more suitable
person may, if available, be brought forward, in the
hope of attracting the young girl's attention. The
objectionable traits of the undesirable suitor should be
made apparent to her without the act seeming to be in-
tentional ; and if all this fails, let change of scene and
surroundings by travel or visiting accomplish the desired
result. The latter course will generally do it, if matters
have not been allowed to progress too far and the young
girl is not informed why she is temporarily banished
from home.
184 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
AN ACCEPTABLE SUITOR.
Parents should always be able to tell from observation
and instinct just how matters stand with their daughter;
and if the suitor is an acceptable one and everything sat-
isfactory, then the most scrupulous rules of etiquette
will not prevent their letting the young couple alone.
If the lover chooses to propose directly to the lady and
consult her father afterward, consider that he has a per-
fect right to do so. If her parents have sanctioned his
visits and attentions by a silent consent, he has a right
to believe that his addresses will be favorably received
by them.
REQUIREMENTS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
Hespect for each other is as necessary to a happy
marriage as that the husband and wife should have an
affection for one another. Social equality, intellectual
sympathy, and sufficient means are very important mat-
ters to be considered by those who contemplate matri-
mony.
It must be remembered that husband and wife, after
marriage, have social relations to sustain, and perhaps it
will be discovered, before many months of wedded life
have passed, when there is a social inequality, that one
of the two have made a sacrifice for which no adequate
compensation has been or ever will be received. And
so both lives become soured and spoiled, because neither
receives nor can receive the sympathy which their efforts
deserve, and because their cares are multiplied from a
COTJBTSIIIP AXD MARRIAGE. 185
want of congeniality. One or the other may find that
the noble qualities seen by the impulse of early love,
were but the creation of an infatuated fancy, existing
only in the mind where it originated.
Another condition of domestic happiness is intellec-
tual sympathy. Man requires a woman who can make
his home a place of rest for him, and woman requires a
man of domestic tastes. While a woman who seeks to
find happiness in a married life will never consent to be
wedded to an idler or a pleasure-seeker, so a man of in-
telligence will wed none but a woman of intelligence
and good sense. Neither beauty, physical characteris-
tics nor other external qualifications will compensate for
the absence of intellectual thought and clear and quick
comprehensions. An absurd idea is held by some that
intelligence and domestic virtues cannot go together;
that an intellectual woman will never be content to stay
at home to look after the interests of her household and
children. A more unreasonable idea has never been sug-
gested, for as the intellect is strengthened and cultured,
it has a greater capacity of affection, of domesticity and
of self-sacrifice for others.
Mutual trust and confidence are other requisites for
happiness in married life. There can be no true love
without trust. The responsibility of a man's life is in
a woman's keeping from the moment he puts his heart
into her hands. Without mutual trust there can be no
real happiness.
Another requisite for conjugal happiness is moral and
religious sympathy, that each may walk side by side in
186 OOTJKT8HIP AND MABKIAGE.
the same path , of moral purpose and social usefulness,
with joint hope of immortality.
PROPOSALS OP MARRIAGE.
Rules in regard to proposals of marriage cannot be
laid down, for they are and should be as different as
people. The best way is to apply to the lady in person,
and receive the answer from her own lips. If courage
should fail a man in this, he can resort to writing, by
which he can clearly and boldly express his feelings.
A spoken declaration should be bold, manly and earnest,
and so plain in its meaning that there can be no mis-
understanding. As to the exact words to be used, there
can be no set formula; each proposer must be governed
his own ideas and sense of propriety in the matter.
DO NOT PRESS AN UNWELCOME SUIT.
A gentleman should evince a sincere and unselfish
affection for his beloved, and he will show as well as
feel that her happiness must be considered before his
own. Consequently he should not press an unwelcome
suit upon a young lady. If she has no affection for him,
and does not conceive it possible even to entertain any, it
is cruel to urge her to give her person without her love.
The eager lover may believe, for the time being, that
such possession would satisfy him, but the day will
surely come when he will reproach his wife that she had
no love for him, and he will possibly make that an excuse
for all manner of unkindness.
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 187
A LADY'S FIRST REFUSAL.
It is not always necessary to take a lady's first refusal
as absolute. Diffidence or uncertainty as to her own
feelings may sometimes influence a lady to reply in the
negative, and after-consideration cause her to regret
that reply.
Though a gentleman may repeat his suit with pro-
priety after having been once repulsed, still it should
not be repeated too often nor too long, lest it should
degenerate into importuning.
No lady worthy any gentleman's regard will say
"no" twice to a suit which she intends ultimately to
receive with favor. A lady should be allowed all the
time she requires before making up her mind; and if the
gentleman grows impatient at the delay, he is always at
liberty to insist on an immediate answer and abide by
the consequences of his impatience.
A LADY'S POSITIVE REFUSAL,
A lady who really means " no " should be able to so
say it as to make her meaning unmistakable. For her
own sake and that of her suitor, if she really desires the
suit ended her denial should be positive, yet kind and
dignified, and of a character to let no doubt remain of
its being final.
TRIFLING WITH A LADY.
A man should never make a declaration in a jesting
manner. It is most unfair to a lady. He has no right
188 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
to trifle with her feelings for mere sport, nor has he a
right to hide his own meaning under the guise of a jest.
A DOUBTFUL ANSWER.
Nothing can be more unfair or more unjustifiable than
a doubtful answer given under the plea of sparing the
suitor's feelings. It raises false hopes. It renders a
man restless and unsettled. It may cause him to ex-
press himself or to shape his conduct in such a manner
as he would not dream of doing were his suit utterly
hopeless.
HOW TO TREAT A REFUSAL.
As a woman is not bound to accept the first offer that
is made to her, so no sensible man will think the worse
of her, nor feel himself personally injured by a refusal.
That it will give him pain is most probable. A scornful
" no " or a simpering promise to " think about it " is the
reverse of generous.
In refusing, the lady ought to convey her full sense
of the high honor intended her by the gentleman, and
to add, seriously but not offensively, that it is not in
accordance with her inclination, or that circumstances
compel her to give an unfavorable answer.
UNLADYLIKE CONDUCT TOWARD A SUITOR.
It is only the contemptible flirt that keeps an honor-
able man in suspense for the purpose of glorifying her-
self by his attentions in the eyes of friends. Nor would
any but a frivolous or vicious girl boast of the offer she
had received and rejected. Such an offer is a privileged
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 189
communication. The secret of it should be held sacred.
No true lady will ever divulge to anyone, unless it may
be to her mother, the fact of such an offer. It is the
severest breach of honor to do so. A lady who has
once been guilty of boasting of an offer should never
have a second opportunity for thus boasting.
No true-hearted woman can entertain any other feel-
ing than that of commiseration for the man over whose
happiness she has been compelled to throw a cloud,
while the idea of triumphing in his distress, or abusing
his confidence, must be inexpressibly painful to her.
THE REJECTED SUITOR.
The duty of the rejected suitor is quite clear. Etiquette
demands that he shall accept the lady's decision as final
and retire from the field. He has no right to demand
the reason of her refusal. If she assign it, he is bound
to respect her secret, if it is one, and to hold it inviol-
able. To persist in urging his suit or to follow up the
lady with marked attentions would be in the worst poss-
ible taste. The proper course is to withdraw as much
as possible, from the circles in which she moves, so that
she may be spared reminiscences which cannot be other-
wise than painful.
PRESENTS AFTER ENGAGEMENT.
When a couple become engaged, the gentleman pre-
sents the lady with a ring, which is worn on the ring-
finger of the right hand. He may also make her other
small presents from time to time, until they are married,
190 COURTSHIP AND MAURI AGE.
but if she has any scruples about accepting them, he can
send her flowers, which are at all times acceptable.
CONDUCT OF THE FIANCEE.
The conduct of the fiancee should be tender, assiduous
and unobtrusive. He will be kind and polite to the
sisters of his betrothed and friendly with her brothers.
Yet he must not be in any way unduly familiar or force
himself into family confidences on the ground that he is
to be regarded as a member of the family. Let the
advance come rather from them to him, and let him show
a due appreciation of any confidences which they may
be pleased to bestow upon him. The family of the
young man should make the first advances toward an
acquaintance with his future wife. They should call
upon her or write to her, and they may with perfect
propriety invite her to visit them in order that they may
become acquainted.
THE POSITION OF AN ENGAGED WOMAN.
An engaged woman should eschew all flirtations,
though it does not follow that she is to cut herself off
from all association with the other sex because she has
chosen her future husband. She may still have friends
and acquaintances, she may still receive visits and calls,
but she must try to conduct herself in such a manner as
to give no offense.
POSITION OF AN ENGAGED MAN.
The same rules may be laid down in regard to the
other party to the contract, only that he pays visits
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 191
instead of receiving them. Neither should assume a
masterful or jealous attitude toward the other. They
are neither of them to be shut up away from the rest of
the world, but must mingle in society after marriage
nearly the same as before, and take the same delight in
friendship. The fact that they have confessed their
love for each other ought to be deemed a sufficient guar-
antee of faithfulness; for the rest let there be trust and
confidence.
THE RELATIONS OF AN ENGAGED COUPLE.
A young man has no right to put a slight upon his
future bride by appearing in public with other ladies
while she remains neglected at home. He is in future
her legitimate escort. He should attend no other lady
when she needs his services; she should accept no other
escort when he is at liberty to attend her. A lady should
not be too demonstrative of her affection during the days
of her engagement. There is always the chance of " a
slip 'twixt the cup and the lip ;" and over-demonstrations
of love are not pleasant to be remembered by a young
lady, if the man to whom they are given by any chance
fails to become her husband. An honorable man will
never tempt his future bride to any such demonstration.
He will always maintain a respectful and decorous
demeanor toward her.
No young man who would shrink from being guilty
of a great impropriety, should ever prolong his visits
beyond ten o'clock, unless it be the common custom of
the family to remain up and to entertain visitors to a
192 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
later hour, and the visit paid is a family one and not a
tete-a-tete. Two hours is quite long enough for a call;
and the young man will give evidence of his affection
no less than his consideration, by making his visits short,
and, if need be, making them often, rather than by pro-
longing to unreasonable hours.
LOVERS' DISPUTES.
Neither party should try to make the other jealous for
the purpose of testing his or her affection. Such a course
is contemptible; and if the affections of the other are
permanently lost by it, the offending party is only gain-
ing his or her just deserts. Neither should there be
provocation to little quarrels for the foolish delight of
reconciliation. No lover will assume a domineering
attitude over his future wife. If he does so, she will do
well to escape from his thrall before she becomes his wife
in reality. A domineering lover will be certain to be
more domineering as a husband.
BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT.
Sometimes it is necessary to break off an engagement.
Many circumstances will justify this. Indeed anything
which may occur or be discovered which shall promise
to render the marriage an unsuitable or unhappy one is,
and should be accepted as, justification for such rupture.
Still, breaking an engagement is always a serious and
distressing thing, and ought not to be contemplated
without absolute and just reasons. It is generally best
to break an engagement by letter. By this means one
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 193
can express himself or herself more clearly, and give the
true reason for his or her course much better than in a
personal interview. The letter breaking the engage-
ment should be accompanied by everything, in the way
of portraits, letters or gifts, that has been received dur-
ing the engagement. Such letters should be acknowl-
edged in a dignified manner, and no efforts should be
made or measures be taken to change the decision of the
writer, unless it is manifest that he or she is greatly
mistaken in his or her premises. A similar return of
letters, portraits and gifts should be made.
Many men, in taking retrospective glances, remember
how they were devoted to women, the memory of whom
calls up only a vague sort of wonder how they ever
could have fallen into the state of infatuation in which
th ay once were. The same may be said of many women.
Heart-breaking separations have taken place between
young men and young women who have learned that
the sting of parting does not last forever. The heart,
lacerated by a hopeless or misplaced attachment, when
severed from the cause of its woe, gradually heals and
prepares itself to receive fresh wounds, for affection
requires either a constant contemplation of, or inter-
course, with its object, to keep it alive.
12
CHAPTER XVII.
ttqtteite 01
HE circumstances under which wed-
dings take place are so varied, and
the religious forms observed in their
solemnization so numerous, that to
lay down rules applicable to all cases
would be a matter of great difficulty,
if not an impossibility. Consequently
only those forms of marriage attended
with the fullest ceremonies, and all the
attendant ceremonials will here be given,
and others may be modeled after them
as the occasion may seem to require.
After the marriage invitations are issued,
the fiancee does not appear in public. It is
also de rigueur at morning weddings, that she does not
see the bridegroom on the wedding-day, until they meet
at the altar.
THE BRIDEMAIDS AND GROOMSMEN.
Only relatives and the most intimate friends are asked
to be bridemaids the sisters of the bride and of the
bridegroom, where it is possible. The bridegroom
(194)
ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 195
chooses his best man and the groomsmen and ushers
from his circle of relatives and friends of his own aere.
o '
and from the relatives of his fiancee of a suitable age.
The dresses of the bridemaids are not given unless their
circumstances are such as to make it necessary.
THE BRIDAL COSTUME.
The most approved bridal costume for young brides
is of white silk, high corsage, a long wide veil of white
tulle, reaching to the feet, and a wreath of maiden-blush
roses with orange blossoms. The roses she can continue
to wear, but the orange blossoms are only suitable for
the ceremony.
COSTUMES OF THE BRIDEGROOM AND USHERS.
The bridegroom and ushers, at a morning wedding,
wear full morning dress, dark blue or black frock coats,
or cut-aways, light neckties, and light trousers. The
bridegroom wears white gloves. The ushers wear gloves
of some delicate color.
PRESENTS OF THE BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM.
Where the bride makes presents to the bridemaids on
her wedding-day, they generally consist of some articles
of jewelry, not costly, and given more as a memento of
the occasion than for their own intrinsic worth. The
bridegroom sometimes gives the groomsmen a scarf pin
of some quaint device, or some other slight memento of
the day, as a slight acknowledgment of their services.
196 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
CEBEMONIALS WHEN THERE ABE NO U8HBRS OB BBIDE-
MAIDS.
When there are no bridemaids or ushers the marriage
ceremonials at the church are as follows: The members
of the bride's family proceed to the church before the
bride, who follows with her mother. The bridegroom
awaits them at the church and gives his arm to the
bride's mother. They walk up the aisle to the altar, the
mother falling back to her position on the left. The
father, or relative representing him, conducts the bride
to the bridegroom, who stands at the altar with his face
turned toward her as she approaches, and the father falls
back to the left. The relatives follow, taking their
places standing; those of the bride to the left, those of
the groom to the right* After kneeling at the altar for a
moment, the bride, standing on the left of the bride-
groom, takes the glove off from her left hand, while he
takes the glove off from his right hand. The service
then begins. The father of the bride gives her away by
bowing when the question is asked, which is a much sim-
pler form than stepping forward and placing his daugh-
ter's hand in that of the clergyman. Perfect self-con-
trol should be exhibited by all parties during the cere-
mony.
The bride leaves the altar, taking the bridegroom's
right arm, and they pass down the aisle without looking
to the right or left. It is considered very bad form to
recognize acquaintances by bows and smiles while in the
church.
ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 197
The bride and bridegroom drive away in their own
carriage, the rest following in their carriages.
INVITATIONS TO THE CEREMONY ONLY.
When the circle of friends on both sides is very exten-
sive, it has become customary of late to send invitations
to such as are not called to the wedding breakfast, to
attend the ceremony at church. This stands in the
place of issuing cards. No one must think of calling on
the newly married couple who has not received an invi-
tation to the ceremony at church, or cards after their
establishment in their new home.
THE LATEST CEREMONIALS.
The latest New York form for conducting the mar-
riage ceremony is substantially as follows:
When the bridal party has arranged itself for entrance,
the ushers, in pairs march slowly up to the altar and
turn to the right. Behind them follows the groom
alone. When he reaches the altar he turns, faces the
aisle, and watches intently for the coming of his bride.
After a slight interval the bridemaids follow, in pairs,
and at the altar turn to the left. After another brief
interval, the bride, alone and entirely veiled, with her
eyes cast down, follows her companions. The groom
comes forward a few steps to meet her, takes her hand,
and places her at the altar. Both kneel for a moment's
silent devotion. The parents of the bride, having fol-
lowed her, stand just behind her and partly to the
198 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
left. The services by the clergyman now proceed as
usual.
While the bride and bridegroom are passing out of
the church, the bridemaids follow slowly, each upon the
arm of an usher, and they afterward hasten on as speed-
ily as possible to welcome the bride at her own door,
and to arrange themselves about the bride and groom in
the reception room, half of the ladies upon her side and
half upon his the first bridemaid retaining the place of
honor.
THE USHERS' DUTIES.
The ushers at. the door of the reception room offer
themselves as escorts to parties, who arrive slowly from
the church, conducting them to the bridal party, and
there presenting them by name. This announcement
becomes necessary when two families and two sets of
friends are brought together for the first time. If ladies
are present without gentlemen, the ushers accompany
them to the breakfast or refreshment room, or provide
them with attendants.
At the church the ushers are the first to arrive. They
stand by the inner entrance and offer their arms to
escort the ladies, as they enter, to their proper seats in
the church. If a lady be accompanied by a gentleman,
the latter follows the usher and the lady to the seat
shown her. The ushers, knowing the two families, un-
derstand where to place the nearer, and where the
remoter relatives and friends of the bridal party, the
groom's friends being arranged upon the right of the
entrance, and the bride's upon the left. The distribu-
ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 199
tion of guests places the father (or guardian) of the
bride at the proper place during the ceremony.
ANOTHER FORM OF CHURCH CEREMONIALS.
The ceremonials for the entry to the church by the
bridal party may be varied to suit the taste. Prece-
dents for the style already described are found among
the highest social circles in New York and other large
cities, but there are brides who prefer the fashion of
their grandmothers, which is almost strictly an Amer-
ican fashion. In this style, the bridemaids, each leanirtg
upon the arm of a groomsman, first pass up the aisle to
the altar, the ladies going to their left, and the gentle-
men to their right. The groom follows with the bride's
mother, or some one to represent her, leaning on his arm,
whom he seats in a front pew at the left. The bride
follows, clinging to the arm of her father (or near rela-
tive), who leads her to the groom. The father waits at
her left and a step or two back of her, until asked to
give her away, which he does by taking her right hand
and placing it in that of the clergyman. After this he
joins the mother of the bride in the front pew, and
becomes her escort while they pass out of the church.
In case there are no bridemaids, the ushers walk into
church in pairs, just in advance of the groom, and part-
inar at the altar, half of them stand at one side and half
O *
at the other. While the clergyman is congratulating
the bride, they pass out in pairs, a little in advance of
the wedded couple.
200 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
WEDDINGS AT HOME.
"Weddings at home vary but little from those at
church. The music, the assembling of friends, the
entree of the bridal party to the position selected, are
the same. An altar of flowers, and a place of kneeling
can be easily arranged at home. The space behind the
altar need be no wider than is allowed for the clergyman
to stand. The altar is generally only a fender or rail-
ing entirely wound and concealed by greenery or blos-
soms. Other floral accessories, such as the marriage-
bell, horseshoe, or white dove, etc., can be arranged with
ease by a skillful florist, if desired.
When the marriage ceremony is concluded, the party
turn in their places and face their friends, who proceed
to congratulate them. If space be required, the kneel-
ing stool and floral altar may be removed, a little later,
without observation.
THE EVENING WEDDING.
If the wedding occur in the evening, the only differ-
ence in the ceremonials from those in the morning ia
that the ushers or groomsmen wear full evening dress,
and the bridal pair retire quietly to dress for their jour-
ney before the dancing party disperses, and thus leave
unobserved. At the morning wedding only bridemaids,
ushers and relatives remain to witness the departure of
the pair.
" AT HOME " BECEPTIONS.
When the newly married couple commence life in a
home of their own, it is customary to issue " at home "
ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 201
cards for a few evenings, at an early date after the wed-
ding, for informal receptions. Only such persons are
invited as the young couple choose to keep as friends, or
perhaps only those whom they can afford to retain.
This is a suitable opportunity to carefully re-arrange
one's social list, and their list of old acquaintances may
be sifted at the time of the beginning of housekeeping.
This custom of arranging a fresh list is admitted as a
social necessity, and nobody is offended.
CALLS.
All guests and friends who receive " at home " invita-
tions, or who are invited to the church, are required by
etiquette to call upon the family of the bride, or to leave
their cards, within ten days after the wedding.
THE WEDDING KING.
All churches at present use the ring, and vary the sen-
timent of its adoption to suit the customs and ideas of
their own rites. A jeweled ring has been for many
years the sign and symbol of betrothal, but at present a
plain gold circlet, with the date of the engagement in-
scribed within, is generally preferred. The ring is re-
moved by the groom at the altar, passed to the clergy-
man and used in the ceremony. A jeweled ring is
placed upon her hand by the groom on the way home
from the church, or as soon after the service as is con-
venient. It stands guard over its precious fellow, and
is a confirmation of the first promise.
202
THE MARRIAGE CEREMONIALS OF A WIDOW.
The marriage ceremonials of a widow differ from that
of a young lady in not wearing the veil and orange
blossoms. She may be costumed in white and have her
maids at the altar if she pleases. This liberty, however,
has only been given her within a few years. On her
wedding cards of invitation, her maiden name is used as
a part of her proper name; which is done in respect to
her parents. Having dropped the initials of her dead
husband's name when she laid aside her mourning, she
uses her Christian name. If she has sons or unmarried
daughters at the time she becomes again a wife, she may
prefix the last name of her children to her new one on
all ceremonious- occasions in which they are interested
in common with herself. This respect is really due
them, and etiquette permits it, although our social usages
do not command its adoption. The formalities which
follow the marriage of a widow can seldom be regulated
in the same manner as those of a younger bride. No
fixed forms can be arranged for entertainments, which
must be controlled by circumstances.
rNVITATIONS.
Wedding invitations should be handsomely engraved
in script. Neither Old English nor German text are
admissible in invitations. The following is given as the
latest form for -invitations :
ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
203
<7
r.
This invitation requires no answer. Friends living in
other towns and cities receiving it, inclose their cards,
and send ~by mail. Residents call on the family within
the prescribed time, or as soon after as possible.
The invitation to the wedding breakfast is enclosed
in the same envelope, generally conveyed on a square
card, the same size as the sheet of note paper which
bears the invitation for the ceremony after it has been
204 ETIQUETTE OF VTEDDINGS.
once folded across the middle. The following is one of
the adopted forms:
fa-t
The separate cards of the bride and groom are no
longer necessary.
The card of admission to the church is narrower, and
is plainly engraved in large script, as follows:
izt
<7
Generally only half an hour intervenes between the
ceremony and the reception.
DUTIES OF THOSE INVITED.
People who receive " At Home " wedding invitations,
are expected to acknowledge them as soon as received,
and never fail to accept, unless for some very good rea-
son. Guests invited to the house, or to a marriage feast
following the ceremony, should not feel at liberty to
decline from any whim or caprice.
ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 205
REQUIREMENTS OF THE BRIDEMAIDS AND USHERS.
Bridesmaids and ushers should allow nothing but ill-
ness or some unavoidable accident to prevent them from
officiating, thus showing their appreciation of the friend-
ship which has caused their selection to this honored
position. If by reason of sudden affliction, some one of
the bridemaids or ushers is prevented from attending, a
substitute should, if possible, be provided immediately.
The reasons for this, however, should be well under-
stood, that no opportunity may be given for uncharitable
comments.
BRIDAL PRESENTS.
When bridal presents are given, they are sent to the
bride previous to the day of the marriage ceremony.
As the universal bridal present has fallen into disuse,
this custom is not now considered obligatory, and if im-
mediate friends and relatives desire to make presents, it
should be spontaneous, and in no sense considered obli-
gatory. These presents are not put on exhibition as
formerly, but are acknowledged by the bride in a private
note to the donor. It is not now considered in good
form to talk about these contributions.
ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE CEREMONIES.
In weddings at churches a master of ceremonies is
often provided, who is expected to be at the church as
soon as the doors are opened. He arranges beforehand
for the spreading of a carpet from the church door to
the pavement, and if the weather be inclement, he sees
206 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
that an awning is also spread. He also sees that a white
ribbon is stretched across the main aisle of the church,
far enough back from the altar to afford sufficient room
for all invited guests to occupy the front pews of the
main aisle. Sometimes an arch of flowers extends over
the aisle, so as to divide those who come in wedding
garments, from those who do not. The organist should
be early at his post, and is expected to play during the
arrival of guests. The order of the religious part of the
marriage ceremony is fixed by the church in which it
occurs.
THE WEDDING FEES.
There is no prescribed fee for performing the mar-
riage ceremony. It is regulated according to the means
and liberality of the bridegroom, but no less amount
than five dollars should be given under any circum-
stances.
THE CONGRATULATIONS.
At wedding receptions, friends who congratulate the
newly married couple should address the bride first, if
they have any previous acquaintance with her, then the
bridegroom, then the bridemaids, and after that the
parents and family of the bride and groom. They should
give their good wishes to the bride and congratulate the
bridegroom. If they are acquainted with the bridegroom
and not with the bride, let them address him first and
he will introduce them to his bride.
ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
207
THE BBIDAi TO PR.
The honeymoon of repose, exempt from all claims of
society, is now prescribed by the dictates of common
sense and fashion, and the same arbiters unite in con-
demning the harrassing bridal tour. It is no longer
de rigueur to maintain any secrecy as to their plans for
traveling, when a newly married couple depart upon a
tour
CHAPTER XVIII.
torn* $ite atifl Jptqueite.
OME is the woman's kingdom, and
there she reigns supreme. To em-
bellish that home, to make happy the
lives of her husband and the dear ones
committed to her trust, is the honored
task which it is the wife's province to
perform. All praise be to her who
so rules and governs in that kingdom,
that those reared beneath her roof " shall
rise tip and call her blessed."
A HOME.
After marriage one of the first require-
ments for happiness is a home. This can
seldom be found in a boarding house or at a hotel, and
not always beneath the parental roof of either husband
or wife. It will oftenest be found in a house or even a
cottage apart from the immediate association of rela-
tives or friends, acquaintances or strangers, and here hus-
band and wife may begin in reality, that new life of
which they have had fond dreams ; and upon their own
actions must depend their future welfare.
(208)
HOMK LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 'Ji> ( J
HOME COMPANIONSHIP.
'Husband and wife should remember, when starting
out upon their newly wedded life, that they are to be
life companions, that the affection they have possessed
and expressed as lovers must ripen into a life-long devo-
tion to one another's welfare and happiness, that the
closest friendship must be begotten from their early
love, and that each must live and work for the other.
They must seek to b congenial companions to each
other, so that every hour they pass together will be mu-
tually enjoyable. They should aim to have the same
tastes, so that what one enjoys will be alike enjoyable to
the other, and what is distasteful to one shall be no lesa
so to the other. Each should yield in matters where it
is right to yield, and be tirtu only where duty is con-
cerned. With a firm trust in one anotker they should
14
210 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE.
ever abide, that each may say to the world, " I possess
one on whose character and heart I can lean as upon a
rock."
CONDUCT OF HUSBAND AND WIFE.
Let neither ever deceive the other, or do anything to
shake the other's confidence, for once deceived, the
heart can never wholly trust again. Fault-finding should
only be done by gentle and mild criticism, and then with
loving words and pleasant looks. Make allowances for
one another's weaknesses, and at the same time endeavor
to mutually repress them. For the sake of mutual im-
provement the husband and wife should receive and give
corrections to one another in a spirit of kindness, and in
doing so they will prepare themselves for the work God
gives the parents of training lives for usefulness here
and hereafter. Their motto should be "faithful unto
death in all things," and they must exercise forbearance
with each other's peculiarities.
Let both preserve a strict guard over their tongues,
that neither may utter anything rude, contemptuous or
severe, and guard their tempers, that neither may ever
grow passionate or become sullen or morose in one
another's presence. They should not expect too much
from each other; if either offends, it is the part of the
other to forgive, remembering that no one is free from
faults, and that we are all constantly erring.
If, perchance, after they have entered upon the stern
realities of life, they find that they have made a mistake,
that they are not well mated, then they must accept the
inevitable and endure to the end, " for better or for
HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 211
worse;" for only in this way can they find consolation
for having found out, when too late, that they were
unfitted for a life-long companionship. A journalist has
said: "No lessons learned by experience, however
sharply taught and sadly earned, can enlighten the
numbed senses which love has sent to sleep by its magic
fascination; .and things as plain as the sun in heaven to
others are dark as night, unfathomable as the sea, to
those who let themselves love before they prove."
DUTIES OF THE WIFE TO HER HUSBAND.
The wife should remember that upon her, to the
greatest extent, devolves the duty of making home
happy. She should do nothing to make her husband
feel uncomfortable, either mentally or physically, but
on the other hand she should strive to the utmost of
her ability to do whatever is best calculated to please
him, continually showing him that her love, plighted
upon the altar, remains steadfast, and that no vicissi-
tudes of fortune can change or diminish it.
She should never indulge in fits of temper, hysterics,
or other habits of ill-breeding, which, though easy to
conquer at first, grow and strengthen with indulgence,
if she would retain her husband as her lover and her
dearest and nearest friend. She should be equally as
neat and tidy respecting her dress and personal ap-
pearance at home as when she appears in society, and
her manners towards her husband should be as kind
and pleasing when alone with him as when in company.
She should bear in mind that to retain the good opinion
HOME LIFE AM) KIICJUKTTK
of her husband is worth far more than to gain the
good opinion of hundreds of the devotees of society,
and that as she possesses the love and confidence of her
husband, so will she receive the respect and esteem of
all his friends.
She should be careful not to confide to another any
small misunderstandings or petty quarrels between her-
self and husband, should any occur. This is the surest
method of widening any breach of harmony that may
occur between husband and wife, for the more such
misunderstandings are talked about, and the more
advice she receives from her confidants, there is less
probability that harmonious relations will be speedily
resumed.
THE WIFE A HELPMATE.
A wife should act openly and honorably in regard to
money matters, keeping an exact account of her expen-
ditures, and carefully guarding against any extrava-
gances; and while her husband is industriously at work,
she should seek to encourage him, by her own frugality,
to be economical, thrifty, enterprising and prosperous
in his business, that he may be better enabled, as years
go by and family cares press more heavily on each, to
afford all the comforts and perhaps some of the luxuries
of a happy home. No condition is hopeless when the
wife possesses firmness, decision and economy, and no
outward prosperity can counteract indolence, folly and
extravagance at home. She should consult the disposi-
tion and tastes of her husband, and endeavor to lead
him to high and noble thoughts, lofty aims, and tern-
HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 213
poral comfort; be ever ready to welcome him home,
and in his companionship draw his thoughts from busi-
ness and lead him to the enjoyment of home comforts
and happiness. The influence of a good wife over her
husband may be very great, if she exerts it in the right
direction. She should, above all things, study to learn
the disposition of her husband, and if, perchance, she
finds herself united to a man of quick and violent tem-
per, the utmost discretion, as well as perfect equanimity
on her own part is required, for she should have such
perfect control over herself as to calm his perturbed
spirits.
A HUSBAND'S DUTIES.
It must not be supposed that it devolves upon the
wife alone to make married life and home happy. She
must be seconded in her noble efforts by him who took
her from her own parental fireside and kind friends, to
be his companion through life's pilgrimage. He has
placed her in a new home, provided with such comforts
as his means permit, and the whole current of both their
lives have been changed. His constant duty to his wife
is to be ever kind and attentive, to love her as he loves
himself, even sacrificing his own personal comfort for
her happiness. From his affection for her, there should
grow out a friendship and fellowship, such as is pos-
sessed for no other person. His evenings and spare
moments should be devoted to her, and these should be
used for their intellectual, moral and social advance-
ment.
Tho caves and anxieties of business should not exclude
214: HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE.
the attentions due to wife and family, while he should
carefully keep her informed of the condition of his
business affairs. Many a wife is capable of giving her
husband important advice about various details of his
business, and if she knows the condition of his pecu-
niary affairs, she will be able to govern her expenditures
accordingly.
It is the husband's duty to join with his wife in all
her endeavors to instruct her children, to defer all mat-
ters pertaining to their discipline to her, aiding her in
this respect .as she requires it. In household matters
the wife rules predominant, and he should never inter-
fere with her authority and government in this sphere.
It is his duty and should be his pleasure to accompany
her to church, to social gatherings, to lectures and sucli
places of entertainment as they both mutually enjoy
and appreciate. In fact he ought not to attend a social
gathering unless accompanied by his wife, nor go to an
evening entertainment without her. If it is not a fit
place for his wife to attend, neither is it fit for him.
While he should give his wife his perfect confidence
in her faithfulness, trusting implicitly to her honor at
all times and in all places, he should, on his part, remain
faithful and constant to her, and give her no cause of
complaint. He should pass by unnoticed any disagree-
able peculiarities and mistakes, taking care at the proper
time, and without giving offense, to remind her of them,
with the idea of having her correct them. He should
never seek to break her of any disagreeable habits or
peculiarities she may possess, by ridiculing them. He
HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 215
should encourage her in all her schemes for promoting
the welfare of her household, or in laudable endeavors
to promote the happiness of others, by engaging in such
works of benevolence and charity as the duties of her
home will allow her to perform.
The husband, in fact, should act toward his wife as
becomes a perfect gentleman, regarding her as the " best
lady in the land," to whom, above all other earthly
beings, he owes paramount allegiance. If he so endeav-
ors to act, his good sense and judgment will dictate to
him the many little courtesies which are due her, and
which every good wife cannot fail to appreciate. The
observance of the rules of politeness are nowhere more
desirable than in the domestic circle, between husband
and wife, parents and children.
CHAPTER XIX.
f|0me
TJR earliest and best recollections are
associated with home. There the
first lessons of infancy are learned.
The mother's heart is the child's
first school-room. The parents' ex-
amples are first imitated by the
child, whose earliest impressions are
gained from them. In no way are evil
habits more effectually propagated than
by example, and therefore parents should
be what they wish their children to be.
THE MOTHER'S INFLUENCE.
To the mother belongs the privilege of
planting in the hearts of her children those seeds of love,
which, nurtured and fostered, will bear the fruit of
earnest and useful lives. It is she who must fit them
to meet the duties and emergencies of life, and in this
work of training she keeps her heart fresh and young,
and thereby insures the growth of those powers with
which nature has endowed her.
<]&>
HOME TEAINING. ^IT
As the faculties of man, woman or child are brought
into active exercise, so do they become strengthened,,
and the mother, in doing her work in the training of
her children, grows in wisdom, in knowledge and in
power, thus enabling her the better to perform her
duties.
PARENTS SHOULD SET GOOD EXAMPLES.
As children first acquire knowledge and habits from,
the examples of their parents, the latter should be cir-
cumspect in all their actions, manners and modes of
speech. If you wish your children's faces illumined with
good humor, contentment and satisfaction, so that they
will be cheerful, joyous and happy, day by day, then,
must your own countenance appear illumined by the
sunshine of love. Kind words, kind deeds and loving:
looks are true works of charity, and they are needed in/
our home circle.
Never a tear bedims the eye,
That time and patience can not diy ;
Never a lip is curved with pain.
That can not be kissed into smiles again.
I
Your children will form habits of evil speaking if
they hear you deal lightly with the reputation of
another if they hear you slander or revile your neigh-
bor. If you wish your child to show charity toward
the erring, you must set the example by the habitual
exercise of that virtue yourself. Without this your
teaching will be of but little avail. If you take pleas-
ure in dwelling upon the faults of others, if you refuse-
to cover over their infirmities with the mantle of charity,.
218 HOME TRAINING.
your example will nullify your teaching, and your admo-
nitions will be lost.
COURTESIES IN THE HOME CIRCLE.
Mothers should early train their children to regard
all the courtesies of life as scrupulously toward each
other as to mere acquaintances and strangers. This is
the only way in which you can secure to them the daily
enjoyment of a happy home. When the extez-nal forms
of courtesy are disregarded in the family circle, we are
sure to find contention and bickering perpetually recur-
ring. Rudeness is a constant source of bickering.
Each will have his own way of being rude, and each
will be angry at some portion of the ill-breeding of all
the rest, thus provoking accusations and retorts. Where
the rule of life is to do good and to make others happy,
there will be found the art of securing a happy home.
It is said that there is something higher in politeness
than Christian moralists have recognized. In its best
forms, none but the truly religious man can show it, for
it is the sacrifice of self in the habitual matters of life
always the best test of our principles together with a
respect for man as our brother, under the same great
destiny.
EARLY MORAL TRAINING.
The true test of the success of any education is its
efficiency in giving full use of the moral and intellectual
faculties wherewith to meet the duties and the strug-
gles of life, and not by the variety of knowledge acquired.
The development of the powers of the mind and its cwf
HOME TRAINING. 219
tivation are the work of a teacher; moral training is the
work of the mother, and commences long before one
word of precept can be understood. Children should
be early taught to regard the rights of others, that they
may earl/ learn the rights which property confers and
not entertain confused ideas upon this subject.
FORMATION OF HABITS.
Virtue is the child of good habits, and the formation
of habits may be said to almost constitute the whole
work of education. The mother can create habits
which shall mold character and enable the mind to
maintain that habitual sense of dnty which gives com-
mand over the passions, and power to fight temptation,
and which makes obedience to principle comparatively
easy, under most circumstances. The social and domes-
tic life are marred by habits which have grown into a
second nature. It is not in an occasional act of civility
that the charm of either home or society consists, but in
continued practice of courtesy and respect for the rights
and feelings of those around us. . Whatever may be the
precepts for a home, the practices of the fireside will
give form to the habits. Parents who indulge in gossip,
scandal, slander and tale-telling, will rear children pos-
sessing the same tastes and deteriorating habits. A
parent's example outlines the child's character. It sinks
down deep into his heart and influences his whole life
for good or for evil. A parent should carefully avoid
speaking evil of others, and should never exhibit faults
requiring the mantle of charity to cover. A parent's
220 HOME TRAINING.
example should be such as to excite an abhorrence of
evil speaking, of tattling and of uncharitable construc-
tion of the motives of others. Let the mother begin
the proper training of her children in early life and she
will be able to so mold their characters that not only
will they acquire the habit of bridling the tongue, but
they will learn to avoid the presence of the slanderer as
they do a deadly viper.
POLITENESS AT HOME.
Genuine politeness is a great fosterer of domestic
love, and those who are habitually polished at home are
those who exhibit good manners when abroad. When
parents receive any little attention from their children,
they should thank them for it. They should ask a favor
only in a courteous way; never reply to questions in
monosyllables, or indulge in the rudeness of paying no
attention to a question, for such an example will be
surely followed by the children. Parents sometimes
thoughtlessly allow their children to form habits of dis-
respect in the home circle, which crop out in the bad
manners that are found in society.
HOW TO REPROVB.
Parents should never check expressions of tenderness
in their children, nor humiliate them before others.
This will not only cause suffering to little sensitive
hearts, but will tend to harden them. Reproof, if
m-i-ded, should be administered to each child singly and
HOMK TKAKSIN'T.
CHEERFULNESS AT THE TABLE.
Children should not be prohibited from laughing
talking at the table. Joyousness promotes the circula-
tion of the blood, enlivens and invigorates it, and sends
it to all parts of the system, carrying with it animation,
vigor and life. Controversy should not be permitted at
the table, nor should any subjects which call forth polit-
ical or religious difference. Every topic introduced
should be calculated to instruct, interest or amuso.
Business matters, past disappointments and mishaps
should not be alluded to, nor should bad news be spoken
of at the table, nor for half an hour before. All con-
versation should be of joyous and gladsome character,
such as will bring out pleasant remarks and agreeable
associations. Reproof should never be administered at
the table, either to a child or to a servant; no fault
found with anything, and no unkind word should be
spoken. If remarks are to be made of absent ones, they
should be of a kind and charitable nature. Thus will
the family table be the center of pleasant memories in
future years, when the family shall have been scattered
far and near, and some, perhaps, have been laid in their
final resting-place.
TRAIN' CHILDREN FOR SOME OCCUPATION.
Chancellor Kent says: "Without some preparation
made in youth for the sequel of life, children of all con-
ditions would probably become idle and vicious when
they grow up, from want of good instruction and habits,
222 HOME TRAINING.
and the means of subsistence, or from want of rational
and useful occupations. A parent who sends his son
into the world without educating him in some art,
science, profession or business, does great injury to-
mankind, as well as to his son and his own family, for
he defrauds the community of a useful citizen, and be-
queaths to it a nuisance. That parent who trains his
child for some special occupation, who inspires him with
a feeling of genuine self-respect, has contributed a use-
ful citizen to society."
BAD TEMPER.
Dread an insubordinate temper, and deal with it a
one of the greatest evils. Let the child feel by your
manner that he is not a safe companion for the rest of
the family when he is in anger. Allow no one to speak
to him at such times, not even to answer a question.
Take from him books, and whatever he may have, and
place him where he shall feel that the indulgence of a
bad temper shall deprive him of all enjoyment, and he
will soon learn to control himself.
SELFISHNESS.
Selfishness that binds the miser in his chains, that
chills the heart, must never be allowed a place in the
family circle. Teach the child to share his gifts and
pleasures with others, to be obliging, kind and benevo-
lent, and the influence of such instruction may come
back into your own bosom, to bless your latest hours.
HOME TRAINING, 22S
HOME MAXIMS FOB TRAINING CHILDREN.
Remember that children are men and women in min-
iature, and though they should be allowed to act as
children, still our dealings with them should be manly
and not morose. Remember also that every word,
tone and gesture, nay, even your dress, makes an im-
pression.
Never correct a child on suspicion, or without under-
standing the whole matter, nor trifle with a child's feel-
ings when under discipline.
Be always mild and cheerful in their presence, com-
municative, but never extravagant, trifling or vulgar in
language or gesture. Never trifle with a child nor speak
beseechingly when it is doing wrong.
Always follow commands with a close and careful
watch, until the thing is done, allowing no evasion and
no modification, unless the child ask for it, and it be
expressly granted.
Never reprove children severely in company, nor hold
them up to ridicule, nor make light of their failings.
Never speak in an impatient, pitiful manner, if you
have occasion to find fault.
Never say to a child, " I don't believe what you say,'*
nor even imply your doubts. If you have such feelings,
keep them to yourself and wait; the truth will eventually
be made plain.
Never disappoint the confidence a child places in you,
whether it be a thing placed in your care or a promise.
Always give prompt attention to a child when he
HOME TRAINING.
speaks, so as to prevent repeated calls, and that he may
learn to give prompt attention when you call him.
Never try to impress a child with religious truth
when in anger, or talk to him of God, as it will not have
the desired effect. Do it under more favorable circum-
tances.
At the table a child should be taught to sit up and
behave in a becoming manner, not to tease when denied,
nor to leave his chair without asking. A parent's wish
at such time should be a law from which no appeal
should be made.
Even in sickness gentle restraint is better for a child
than indulgence.
There should never be two sets of manners, the one
for home and the other for company, but a gentle beha-
vior should be always required.
MUSIC.
' A protection against vice,
An incentire to virtue."
CHAPTER XX.
HE work of home culture should be
made a matter of great importance
to every one, for upon it depends the
happiness of earthly homes, as well
as our fitness for the enjoyment of
the eternal home in heaven. The
sufferings endured here, friend for
friend, parents for children, unrequited
sacrifices, cares and tears, all tend to dis-
cipline us, and prepare us for the recom-
pense which eternity brings.
CULTIVATE MORAL COUKAGE.
Moral courage will be cultivated in your
children as they observe that you say and do
whatever you conscientiously believe to be right and
true, without being influenced by the views of others;
thus showing them that you fear nothing so much as
failing to do your duty. Perhaps this may be difficult
to do, but every mother can at least show her apprecia-
tion of moral courage when she sees it exhibited by
others, and in this way incite its growth in the souls of
15
(235)
226 HOME CULTURE.
her children. Moral courage is a rare endowment, and
'those who possess it are able to act with perfect inde-
pendence of the opinions of others, and govern them-
selves only by the laws of propriety, uprightness and
-charity.
THE PERNICIOUS INFLUENCE OP INDOLENCE.
If you would preserve your children from the per-
nicious influence of indolence and all its corrupting ten-
dencies, you must be earnest in purpose, active, ener-
getic and fervent in spirit. Earnestness sharpens the
faculties; indolence corrodes and dulls them. By the
former we rise higher and higher, by the latter we sink
lower and lower. Indolence begets discontent, envy
and jealousy, while labor elevates the mind and char-
acter. Cultivate in your children habits of thought
which will keep their minds occupied upon something
that will be of use or advantage, and prevent them from
acquiring habits of idleness, if you would secure their
future well-being.
It has been said that he who performs no useful act
in society, who makes no human being happier, is lead-
ing a life of utter selfishness a life of sin for a life of
selfishness is a life of sin. There is nowhere room for
idleness. Work is both a duty and a necessity of our
nature, and a befitting reward will ever follow it. To
foster and encourage labor in some useful form, is a
duty which parents should urge upon their children, if
they should seek their best good.
HOME CULTURE. 227
SELF-BESPECTo
It is the mother's duty to see that her children pro-
tect themselves from the many pit-falls which surround
them, such as malice, envy, conceit, avariciousness, and
other evils, by being clad in the armor of self-respect;
and then they will be able to encounter temptation and
corruption, unstained and unpolluted. This feeling of
self-respect is something stronger than self-reliance,
higher than pride. It is an energy of the soul which
masters the whole being for its good, watching with a
never-ceasing vigilance. It is the sense of duty and the
sense of honor combined. It is an armor, which, though
powerless to shield from sorrows that purify and invig-
orate, yet will avert all hostile influences that assail,
from whatever source they come. The mother having
once made her children conscious that always and every-
where they carry with them such an angel to shield,
warn and rescue them, may let them go out into the
world, and fear nothing from the wiles and temptations
which may beset them.
BESULTS OP GOOD-BBEEDING IN" THB HOME CIBCLE.
The laws of good-breeding in no place bear more grati-
fying results than in the home circle. Here, tempered
with love, and nurtured by all kindly impulses, they
bear the choicest fruit. A true lady will show as much
courtesy, and observe the duties of politeness a^ unfail-
ingly, 'toward every member of her family as toward
228 HOME CULTUKE.
her most distinguished guest. A true gentleman will
feel bound to exercise courtesy and kindness in his inter-
course with those who depend upon him for protection
and example. Children influenced by such examples at
home, will never fail to show to their elders the respect
due them, to their young companions the same consider-
ation for their feelings which they expect to meet with
in return, nor to servants that patience which even the
best too often require. In such a home peace and good
will are the household gods.
FAULT-FINDING AND GRUMBLING.
The oil of civility is required to make the wheels of
domestic life run smoothly. The habit of fault-finding
and grumbling indulged in by some, is an exceedingly
vexatious one, and will, in time, ruffle the calmest spirit
and the sweetest temper. It is the little annoyances,
perplexities and misfortunes which often render life a
burden; the little omission of minor duties and the com-
mitting of little faults that perpetually scourge us and
keep the heart sore. Constant fault-finding, persistent
misrepresentations of motives, suspicions of evil where
no evil was intended, will complete the work in all but
the finest and most heroic natur.es, They alone can
stand the fiery test, coming out purer and stronger for
the ordeal. Children who habitually obey the com-
mandment, " Be kind to one another,*' will find in mature
life, how strong the bonds of affection may be that bind
the members of the household together.
HOME CULTUBE. 229
FAMILY JARS NOT TO BE MADE PUBLIC.
Whatever may be the family disagreements, they
should never be made known outside of the home circle,
if it can be avoided. Those who expose the faults of
the members of their family are severely judged by
the world, and no provocation can be a good excuse for
it. It is exceedingly vulgar, not to say unchristianlike,
for the members of the same family to be at enmity
with one another.
YIELDING TO ONE ANOTHER.
One of the greatest disciplines of human life, is that
which teaches us to yield our wills to those who have a
claim upon us to do so, even in trifling, every-day affairs;
the wife to the husband, children to parents, to teachers
and to one another. In cases where principle is con-
cerned, it is, of course, necessary to be firm, which
requires an exercise of moral courage.
CONFLICTING INTERESTS.
Conflicting interests are a fruitful source of family
difficulties. The command of Christ to the two broth-
ers who came to Him with their disputes, "Beware of
covetousness," is as applicable among members of the
same family now, as it was when those words were
spoken. It is better that you have few or no business
transactions with any one who is near and dear to you,
and connected by family ties, In business relations
230 HOME CULTURE.
men are apt to be very exact, because of their habits of
business, and this exactness is too often construed by
near friends and relatives as actuated by purely selfish
motives. Upon this rock many a bark of family love
has been wrecked.
RELIGIOUS EDUCATION.
It is well to remember that every blessing of our
lives, every joy of our hearts and every ray of hope
shed upon our pathway, have had their origin in reli-
gion, and may be traced in all their hallowed, healthful
influences to the Bible. With the dawn of childhood,,
then, in the earliest days of intelligence, should the mind
be impressed and stored with religious truth, and noth-
ing should be allowed to exclude or efface it. It should
be taught so early that the mind will never remember
when it began to learn; it will then have the character
of innate, inbred principles, incorporated with their
very being.
OBEDIENCE.
If you would not have all your instructions and coun-
sels ineffectual, teach your children to obey. Govern-
ment in a family is the great safeguard of religion
and morals, the support of order and the source of pros-
perity. Nothing has a greater tendency to bring a curse
upon a family than the insubordination and disobe-
dience of children, and there is no more painful and
disgusting sight than an ungoverned child.
HOME CULTURE. 231
INFLUENCE OF EXAMPLE.
Never forget that the first book children read is their
parents' example their daily deportment. If this is
forgotten you may find, in the loss of your domestic
peace, that while your children well know the right
path, they follow the wrong.
Childhood is like a mirror, catching and reflecting
images all around it. Remember that an impious, pro-
fane or vulgar thought may operate upon the heart of a
young child like a careless spray of water upon polished
steel, staining it with rust that no efforts can thoroughly
efface.
Improve the first ten years of life as the golden op-
portunity, which may never return. It is the seed time,
and your harvest depends upon the seed then sown.
THE INFLUENCE OF BOOKS.
Few mothers can over-estimate the influence which
the companionship of books exerts in youth upon the
habits and tastes of their children, and no mother who
has the welfare of her children at heart will neglect the
important work of choosing the proper books for them
to read, while they are under her care. She should
select for them such as will both interest and instruct,
and this should be done during the early years, before
their minds shall have imbibed the pernicious teachings
of bad books and sensational novels. The poison im-
bibed from bad books works so secretly that their influ-
ence for evil is even greater than the influence of bad
232
HOME CULTUKK.
associates. The mother has it in her power to make
such books the companions and friends of her children
as her good judgment may select, and to impress upon
them their truths, by conversing with them about the
moral lessons or the intellectual instructions they con-
tain. A taste may be easily cultivated for books on
natural science and for history, as well as for those that
teach important and wholesome lessons for the young,
such as are contained in the works of Mrs. Edgeworth,
Mrs Child, Mrs. Yonge, and many other books written
for the young.
CHAPTER XXI.
Roman's
has been seen that in the rearing and
training of her children, woman has
a great work to perform; that in this
work she exerts an incalculable influ-
ence upon untold numbers, and that
she molds the minds and characters
of her sons and daughters. How-
important, then, that she should cultivate
her mental faculties to the highest extent,
if for no other reason than to fit herself
the better for the performance of this
great duty of educating her children. How
important it is, also, that she should look to
the higher education of her daughters, who,
in turn, will become mothers of future generations, or
may, perhaps, by some vicissitude of fortune, become
dependent upon their own resources for support. With
the highest culture of the mental faculties, woman will
be best enabled to faithfully perform whatever she may
undertake.
(2831
234 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION.
TRAIN YOUNG WOMEN TO SOME OCCUPATION.
Owing to the changes in social and industrial life
which have crowded many women from their homes into
business and public life, women must train for their
branch of labor as men train for their work, if they wish
to attain any degree of success. Even where women
have independent fortunes, their lives will be all the
happier if they have been trained to some occupation,
that, in case of reverses, may be made a self-sustaining
one. A young woman who is able to support herself,
increases her chances for a happy marriage, for, not
being obliged to rely upon a husband for support or for
a home, she is able to judge calmly of an offer when it
comes, and is free to accept or decline, because of her
independence. Women are capable of and adapted to
a large number of employments, which have hitherto
been kept from them, and some of these they are slowly
wrenching from the hands of the sterner sex. In order
that women may enter the ranks of labor which she
is forcing open to herself, she needs a special education
and training to fit her for such employment.
EDUCATION OP GIRLS TOO SUPERFICIAL.
The school instruction of our girls is too superficial.
There is a smattering of too many branches, where two
or three systematically studied and thoroughly mastered,
would accomplish much more for them in the way of a
sound mental training, which is the real object of educa-
tion. The present method of educating young girls is
WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 235'
to give them from five {o ten studies, in which they pre-
pare lessons, and this, too, at an age when their physical!
development suffers and is checked by excess of mental
labor. Such a course of instruction, bestowing only a
smattering of many branches, wastes the powers of the
mind, and deters, rather than aids, self-improvement.
It is only a concentration of the mind upon the thorough
acquisition of all it undertakes that strengthens the
reflective, and forms the reasoning, faculties, and thus
helps to lay a solid foundation for future usefulness.
The word education means to educe, to draw out the-
powers of the mind; not the cramming into it of facts,,
dates and whole pages to be repeated verbatim.
AN EDUCATION APPROPRIATE TO EACH SEX.
The fact is becoming more palpable every year that
there is an education appropriate to each sex; that iden-
tical education for the two sexes is so unnatnral, that
physiology protests against it and experience weeps over
it. The physiological motto in education is, " Educate
a man for manhood, a woman for womanhood, and both
for humanity." Herbert Spencer, in speaking of the
want of a proper course of education for girls, says:
" It is an astonishing fact that, though on the treatment
of offspring depend their lives or deaths, and their
moral welfare or ruin, yet not one word of instruction
on treatment of offspring is ever given to those who
will, by and by, be parents." It will thus be seen, that
as women have the care, the training and the education
of children, they need an education in a special direc-
236 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION.
tion, and should have a very thorough one, to prepare
them for the task.
WOMEN SHOULD HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OP THE LAWS OP
HEALTH.
Physiology is one of the branches of that higher edu-
cation, which should be thoroughly pursued by women
to enable them to fulfill the various duties of their
allotted stations. Yet it is also desirable that they
should have a thorough knowledge, of all branches that
they undertake, and a mastery of the studies pursued
by them; for the want of thoroughness in woman's edu-
cation is an obstacle to success in all branches of labor.
But woman should especially have a thorough knowledge
of the laws of physiology and hygiene. If she becomes a
mother, such knowledge will enable her to guard better
the lives and health of her children. She will under-
stand that when she sends out her child insufficiently
clad, and he comes home chilled through, that his vital-
ity, his power of resisting disease, is wasted. She will
know that by taking the necessary precautions, she may
save the child's life; that she must not take him thus
chilled, to the fire or into a room highly heated, but
that by gentle exercise or friction, she must restore the
circulation of the blood, and in using such precautions,
she may ward off the attacks of disease that would surely
follow if they were neglected. This is but a single case,
for there are instances of almost daily occurrence when
.a proper knowledge of the laws of health will ward off
disease, in her own case, as well as in those of various
WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 237
members of her household. The diseases which carry
off children, are for the most part, such as ought to be
under the control of the women who love them, pet
them, educate them, and who would, in many cases, lay
down their lives for them.
RESULT OF IGNORANCE OF SANITARY LAWS.
Ignorance of the laws of ventilation in sleeping-rooms
and school-rooms is the cause of a vast amount of dis-
ease. From ignorance of the signs of approaching
disease, children are often punished for idleness, listless-
ness, sulkiness and wilfulness, and this punishment is
too often by confinement in a closed room, and by an
increase of tasks; when what is really needed is more
oxygen, more open-air exercise, and less study. These
forms of ignorance have too often resulted in malignant
typhus and brain fevers. Knowledge of the laws of
hygiene will often spare the waste of health and
strength in the young, and will also spare anxiety and
misery to those who love and tend them. If the time
devoted to the many trashy so-called "accomplishments "
in a young lady's education, were given to a study of
the laws of preserving health, how many precious lives
might be spared to loving parents, and how many frail
and delicate forms, resulting from inattention to physi-
cal training, might have become strong and beautiful
temples of exalted souls. We are all in duty bound to
know and to obey the laws of nature, on which the wel-
fare of our bodies depends, for the full enjoyment of
'238 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION.
our faculties can only be attained when the body is in
iperfect health.
IDLENESS A SOURCE OP MISERY.
Perhaps the greatest cause of misery and wretchedness
in social life is idleness. The want of something to do
is what makes people wicked and miserable. It breeds
selfishness, mischief -making, envy, jealousy and vice, in
.all its most dreadful forms. It is the duty of mothers
to see >that their daughters are trained to habits of
industry, that their minds are at all times occupied, that
they are well informed as to household duties, and to
the duties of married life, for upon a knowledge of
household details may depend their life-long happiness
or misery. It is frequently the case, that a girl's educa-
tion ends just as her mind is beginning to mature and
her faculties are beginning to develop. Her education
ends when it ought properly to begin. She enters upon
marriage entirely unprepared, and, perchance, by some
misfortune, she is thrown penniless upon the world with
no means of obtaining a livelihood, for her education
has never fitted her for any vocation. Not having been
properly taught herself, she is not able to teach, and
she finds no avenue of employment open to her. An
English clergyman, writing upon this subject, says:
" Let girls take a serious interest in art; let them take
up some congenial study, let it be a branch of science
or history. Let them write. They can do almost any-
thing they try to do, but let their mothers never rest
iuntil they have implanted in their daughters' lives one
WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 239
growing interest beyond flirtation and gossip, whether
it be work at the easel, music, literature, the structure
of the human body and the laws of health, any solid
interest that will occupy their thoughts and their hearts.
Idleness, frivolity and ignorance can only be put down
by education and employment. In the last resort, the
spirit of evil becomes teacher and task-master."
WOMEN SHOULD CULTIVATE A SPIRIT OF INDEPENDENCE.
In this country more than any other, women should,
to some extent, cultivate a spirit of independence.
They should acquire a knowledge of how business is
transacted, of the relation between capital and labor,
and of the value of labor, skilled and unskilled. As
housekeepers, they would then be saved from many
annoyances and mistakes. If they chance to be left
alone, widows, or orphans possessing means, they would
be saved from many losses and vexatious experiences by
knowing how to transact their own business. And those
women who are obliged to take care of themselves, who
have no means, how necessary is it that they should
have a thorough knowledge of some occupation or busi-
ness by which they can maintain themselves and others
dependent upon them. In this country, the daughter
brought up in affluence, may, by some rapid change of
fortune, be obliged, upon arriving at maturity, to be
among the applicants for whatever employment she may
be fitted. If she has been trained to some useful occu-
pation, or if her faculties have been developed by a
thoroughness of study of any sub]ect she has undertaken,
240 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION.
she will be better qualified to prepare herself to fill any
position which may be open to her. With a mind,
drilled by constant study she will the more quickly ac-
quire a knowledge aud grasp the details of any subject
or business to which she may devote herself.
HEALTH AND LIFE DEPENDENT UPON A HIGHER CULTURE.
Not only wealth and comfort, but health and life are
dependent upon a higher form of culture, a more thor-
ough course of education than is now the standard.
Not more, but fewer branches of study and a more
thorough comprehension of those pursued. Not only
are the health and life of each woman dependent upon
the kind and degree of the education she receives, but
the health and lives of great numbers may depend upon
it. In proportion as she has a knowledge of the laws
and nature of a subject will she be able to work at it
easily, rapidly and successfully. Knowledge of physi-
cal laws saves health and life, knowledge of the laws of
intellect saves wear and tear of the brain, knowledge of
the laws of political economy and business affairs saves-
anxiety and worrying.
CULTIVATION OF THE MORAL SENSE.
A well educated moral sense prevents idleness and
develops a well regulated character, which will preserve
from excess those tenderer emotions and deeper passions-
of woman, which are potent in her for evil or for good,
in proportion as they are undisciplined and allowed to>
WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 241
ran wild, or are trained and developed into a noble and
harmonious self-restraint.
The girl who has so educated and regulated her intel-
lect, her tastes, her emotions and her moral sense, as to
be able to discern the true from the false, will be ready
for the faithful performance of whatever work in life is
allotted to her; while she who is allowed to grow up
ignorant, idle, vain, frivolous, will find herself fitted for
no state of existence, and, in after years, with feelings
of remorse and despair over a wasted life, may cast
reproach upon those in whose trust was reposed her
early education.
It is not for women alone that they should seek a
higher education of their faculties and powers but for
the sake of the communities in which they live, for the
sake of the homes in which they rule and govern, and
govern immortal souls, and for the sake of those other
homes in the humbler walks of life, where they owe
duties as ministering spirits as well as in their own, for
in proportion as they minister to the comfort and health
-of others, so do they exalt their own souls. Women
should seek a higher education in order that they may
elevate themselves, and that they may prepare them-
selves for whatever duty they may be called upon to
perform. In social life we find that the truest wives,
the most patient and careful mothers, the most exem-
plary house-keepers, the model sisters, the wisest philan-
thropists and the women of the greatest social influence
are women of cultivated minds.
CHAPTER XXII.
3^rt 0f Setter letting.
FREXCH writer says, that the
writing a note or letter, the word-
ing of a regret, the prompt or the
delayed answering of an invitation,
the manner of a salutation, the
neglect of a required attention, all
betray to the well-bred the degree
or the absence of good-breeding.
A person who has self-respect as well
as respect for others, should never care-
lessly write a letter or note.
nffH1 l FB*fl JI> *" fOft COKKKCT WKJ.Ti.sG.
The letter or note should be free from all
flourishes. The rules of punctuation should
be followed as nearly as possible, and no capital letter*
wed where they are not required. Ink-biota, eraauie
and stains on the paper are inadmissible. Any abbrevi-
ations of name, rank or title are considered rude, beyond
those sanctioned by eastom. Xo abbreviations of words
Aoald be indulged in, nor underlining of words intended
to be made emphatic. All amounts of money or other
THE AKT OF LETTER WRITING. 24:3
numbers should be written, reserving the use of numer-
ical figures for dates only. It is a good form to have
the address of the writer printed at the top of the sheet>
especially for all business letters. For letters of friend-
ship and notes, pure white paper and envelopes are in
better taste than tinted or colored, and the paper should
be of a superior quality. When a page is once written
from left to right side, it should not be written over
again from top to bottom.
ANONYMOUS LETTERS,
No attention should ever be paid to anonymous let-
ters. The writers of such stamp themselves as cow-
ardly, and cowards do not hesitate to say or write what
is not true when it suits their purpose. All state-
ments made in such letters should be regarded as false,
and the writers as actuated by some bad motives. An-
onymous letters should be burned at once, for they r
not to be noticed.
LETTERS AND NOTKS.
The writing of notes in the third person is generally
confined to notes of invitation, and such notes are never
signed.
When a letter is upon business, commencing "Sir" or
"Dear Sir," the name of the person addressed may be
written either at the beginning or at the close of the
\etter, in the left hand corner. In letters commencing
with the name of the person to whom you are writing,
244 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING.
as, "My Dear Mrs. Brown," the name should not be
repeated in the left hand corner.
No notes should be commenced very high or very low
ion the page, but nearer the top than the middle of the
sheet.
MANNER OF ADDRESS.
In addressing a clergyman, it is customary to com-
mence "Reverend Sir," or "Dear Sir." It is not now
customary to write "B. A." or "M. A." after his name.
Doctors of divinity and medicine are thus distin-
guished: "To the Rev. John Blair, D. D.," or "Rev.
Dr. Blair;" "To G. T. Roscoe, M. D.," "Doctor Ros-
coe" or "Dr. Roscoe."
The President of the United States and Governors of
States, are addressed "His Excllency." U. S. Senators,
members of Congress and men distinguished by holding
various political offices of an honorable nature, are
addressed as " Honorable."
The superscription or address should be written upon
the envelope as legibly as possible, beginning a little to
the left of the center of the envelope. The number of
the house and name of the street may be written imme-
diately under this line, or in the lower left hand corner,
as the writer sees fit. The postage stamp should be
securely fixed in the upper right hand corner of the
envelope. The following forms will show the appear-
ance of a properly addressed envelope:
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 245
796
246
THE ART OF LETTER WRUTNO..
v^W-W^
J STAMP. *
( .
In sending a letter in care of another person the fol-
lowing form is the manner in which the envelope should
be addressed:
3C.
In sending a letter by a friend or acquaintance, and
not through the mail, acknowledge the courtesy of your
friend on the envelope. The letter should not be sealed.
The following is the proper form :
THE AET OF LETTER WRITING.
247
734
A note or letter sent to a friend residing in the same
place, by a messenger, may be addressed as follows, or
bear the full address:
t
248 THB ART OF LETTER WRITING.
FORM OF A LETTER.
cJ? wecewtecl M
w aoact fate*, andAa&ten fo
aiLewoued at t/ie /wa&fiecfo o^ a,
"ffttu a/ t/ie Qfacwfo. " and
tf '
mew- utitfisU&u and mu man
^% av-e
&
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 249>
DEGREES OF FORMALITY OBSERVED.
In commencing and signing notes and letters there is
a difference of opinion in the degrees of formality to
be observed, but generally this scale is used according
to the degree of acquaintance or friendship. " Madam ' r
or "Sir," "Dear Madam" or "Dear Sir," "My Dear
Madam" or "My Dear Sir," "Dear Mrs. Brown" or
"Dear Mr. Brown," "My Dear Mrs Brown" or "My
Dear Mr. Brown," "My Dear Friend." In closing a
note, the degrees are implied as follows: "Truly
Yours" or "Yours Truly," "Very Truly Yours," "Sin-
cerely Yours," " Cordially Yours," " Faithfully Yours,'*
"Affectionately Yours." The proper words should be
carefully selected, as the conclusion of a note or letter
makes an impression on the person reading it. To
aged persons the form, "With great respect, sincerely
yours," recommends itself as a proper form. " Yours,. x
etc.," is considered a rude ending. If you are suf-
ficiently well acquainted with a person to address her
" My Dear Mrs. - ," do not sign " Yours Truly,"
or "Truly Yours," as this is the form to be used in
writing to strangers or in business letters.
SIGNATURE OF LADIES.
A married lady should not sign herself with the
"Mrs." before her baptismal name, or a single lady
with the " Miss." In writing to strangers who do not
know whether to address you as Mrs or Miss, the-
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING.
address should be given in full, after signing your let-
ter; as "Mrs. John Smith," followed by the direction j
or if unmarried, the " Miss " should be placed in brack-
ets a short distance preceding the signature.
Only the letters of unmarried ladies and widows are
addressed with their baptismal names. The letters of
married ladies are addressed with their husbands'
names, as " Mrs John Smith."
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
Letters of introduction should be brief and carefully
worded. Give in full the name of the person intro-
duced, the city or town he is from, intimating the
mutual pleasure that you believe the acquaintance will
confer, adding a few remarks concerning the one intro-
duced, as circumstances seem to require. Modest per-
sons sometimes shrink from delivering letters of intro-
duction which appear to them to be undeservedly com-
plimentary. Letters of introduction are left unsealed,
to be sealed before delivery by the one introduced.
They should receive immediate attention by the parties
who receive them. When a gentleman delivers such a
letter to a lady, he is at liberty to call upon her, send-
ing her his card to ascertain whether she will receive
him then, or appoint another hour that will be more
convenient. The same rule is to be observed by those
whose stay in the city is short. He may also send it
to her with his card bearing his address.
A letter of introduction should not be given, unless
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 251
the person writing it is very well acquainted with the
one whom he introduces, and the one to whom he writes.
If the person who receives such a letter is really well-
l)red, you will hear from him or her within twenty-four
hours, for a letter of introduction is said to be like a
draft, it must be cashed at sight. The one receiving it
either invites you to dine, or to meet others, or to a
drive, or to visit some place of amusement. Too great
caution cannot be exercised in giving a letter which
makes such demands upon an acquantance.
When the letter of introduction is left with a card, if
there is a gentleman in the family, he may call upon
the stranger the next day, unless some engagement pre-
vents, when he should send his card with an invitation.
If the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, she may
write a note of invitation in answer, appointing a time
for him to call.
The following is an appropriate form for a letter of
introduction,
252 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING.
'
s s
ct-tip. Cr
s
M.e<
'
-W4.>& w&t.
s
</ jr
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 253
The envelope containing a letter of introduction,
should be addressed as follows:
</ 6
f J fltzcJ&
<r '
NOTES OF CONGRATULATION OR CONDOLENCE.
Notes of congratulation and condolence should be
brief, and the letter should only be sent by near and
intimate friends. Do not allude to any subject except
the one for which you are offering your congratulations
or sympathy. Such notes should be made expressive of
real feeling, and not be mere matters of form.
INVITATION TO A RECEPTION.
For a general reception, invitations are printed on
cards. Their style is like the following, and do not
require an answer unless " B. S. V. P." is upon one
corner.
254
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING,
Cs% n
- .
8 toi , *>. M.
INVITATION TO A BALL.
The "At Home " form of invitation for a reception
is often adopted for a ball with the word " Dancing " in
one corner, though many people use the "At Home'*
form only for receptions. For balls the hours are not
limited as at receptions. When the above form is not
used for a ball, the invitation may read as follows:
"Mrs. Blair requests the pleasure of Miss Milton's
company at a ball, on Tuesday, February 7, at
o'clock."
Invitations to a ball are always given in the name of
the lady of the house, and require an answer, which
should not be delayed. If the invitation is accepted,,
the answer should be as follows:
" Miss Milton accepts with pleasure Mrs. Blair's kind
invitation for Tuesday, February 7."
If it is found impossible to attend, a note of regrets,
something like tb* 1 following, should be sent:
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 255-
"Miss Milton regrets that intended absence from
home (or whatever may be the preventing cause) pre-
vents her accepting Mrs. Blair's kind invitation for
February 7."
INVITATION TO A LARGE PARTY.
The invitation to a large party is similar to that for
a ball, only the words " at a ball " are omitted, and the
hour may be earlier. The notes of acceptance and
regret are the same as for a ball. If the party is a small
one, it should be indicated by inserting the words, " to a.
small evening party," so that there may be no misunder-
standing. A large party calls for full evening dress,
and it would be embarrassing for a lady or gentleman
to go to a house in full evening dress, expecting to find
a large party there in similar costumes, and meet only a
few friends and acquaintances plainly dressed. If there
is any special feature which is to give character to the
evening, it is best to mention this fact in the note of
invitation. Thus the words " musical party," " to take
part in dramatic readings," " amateur theatricals," will
denote the character of the evening's entertainment. If
you have programmes, enclose one in the invitation.
INVITATION TO A PUBLIC ENTERTAINMENT.
An invitation from a gentleman to a lady to attend a,
concert, lecture, theatre, opera or other amusement, may
read as follows :
"Mr. Hayden would be pleased to have Miss Mor-
ton's company to the Academy of Music, on Monday
evening, November 8, when ' Richelieu ' will be played
by Edwin Booth's Company."
"256 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING.
An invitation of this kind demands an immediate
answer of acceptance or regrets. A previous engage-
ment may be a reason for rejection.
DINNER INVITATIONS.
These are written in the name of the husband and
wife, and demand an immediate reply. This form may
be used:
"Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow request the pleasure of
Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen's company at dinner, on
Tuesday, the 13th of January, at 7 o'clock."
A note of acceptance may read as follows:
" Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen accept with pleasure Mr.
and Mrs. Eugene Snow's kind invitation to dine with
them on Tuesday, the 13th inst., at 7 o'clock."
A note of regret may read:
" Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen regret exceedingly that
sickness in the family (or whatever the cause may be)
prevents the acceptance of Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow's
kind invitation to dine with them on Tuesday, January
13th."
INVITATIONS TO TEA.
An invitation to a tea-drinking may be less formal
And should partake more of the nature of a private note;
thus:
"Dear Miss Brock: Some friends are coming to
drink tea with me on Thursday, and I should be glad of
the pleasure of your company also. Please do not dis-
appoint me."
An invitation of this informal nature needs no reply,
unless "R. S. V. P." is appended, in which case the
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 257
answer must be returned, if possible, by the messenger
who brought it, or sent at once, as your friend may
depend upon having a certain number of people at her
tea-drinking, and if you cannot go, she will want to
supply your place.
LESS FORMAL INVITATIONS.
Invitations of a less formal character are sent for
charades, private theatricals, and for archery, croquet,
sailing and garden parties; but, however informal the
invitation (except only when a visiting card is used) on
no account neglect to give immediate attention to it,
' by sending an acceptance or a regret, for any want of
courtesy in this respect is unpardonable.
PROMPTNESS IN ANSWERING.
All invitations requiring answers should be answered
as soon as possible after receiving them. The French
have a saying, applicable to all notes of invitation, to
the effect that it is as important to reply as promptly to
a note requiring an answer, as it is to a question in
speaking. All refined people who are accustomed to
the best social forms, consider that it would be an un-
pardonable negligence to omit for a single day replying
to an invitation or a note requiring a reply.
In accepting dinner invitations, repeat the hour and
day named in your letter of acceptance, in order that if
any mistake has been made it may be corrected.
Promptly acknowledge all attentions you receive,
Buch as receiving presents of books, flowers, etc.
ir
258 THE AKT OF LETTER WRITING.
EXPRESSIONS TO BE USED.
The expression " presents compliments " has become
obsolete in the writing of invitations. The expression
" kind " or " very kind " invitation has taken the place
of " polite," in notes of acceptance or regret. Be par-
ticular to distinguish between " go " and " come," you
go to a friend's house and your friend comes to your
house.
TIME TO SEND INVITATIONS.
Invitations for parties and entertainments of a formal
nature, can be sent out for a week or two weeks before
the entertainment is to take place. A notice of not less
than one week is expected for such invitations. They
should be printed or engraved on small note paper or
large cards, with the envelopes to match, with no colors
in the monogram, if one is used.
INVITATIONS FOR SEVERAL MEMBERS OF A FAMILY.
It is not considered good form to have one card of
invitation answer for several persons belonging to the
same family, or to address an invitation " Mrs. Blank
and family," as it indicates a scarcity of cards. One
card or invitation may be sent to Mr. and Mrs. Blank,
and one each to the several members of the family who
are to be invited.
THE LEAST FORMAL INVITATIONS.
The least formal, of formal invitations, is when a lady
sends or leaves her own visiting card with the invitation
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 259
upon it. An invitation of this kind need not be an-
swered unless an "R. S. V. P." (Respondez sHl v&us
plait), is on the card. You go or not, as you please,
but if you do not go, you call, or leave a card as soon
after as is convenient.
UNCIVIL ANSWERS.
Uncivil and curt, not to say rude, answers are some-
times returned to invitations, more frequently the result
of carelessness in their writers than of premeditated
rudeness.
" Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown regret that they cannot
accept Mrs. Smith's invitation for Wednesday evening,"
is a rude form of regret.
"Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown decline Mrs. Moses
Smith's invitation for Friday evening,"
is a still ruder form.
A curt and thoughtless reply is:
"Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown's compliments and re-
grets for Friday evening."
REASONS FOR REGRETS.
" All regrets from persons who are not able to accept
invitations, should contain a reason for regretting," is a
rule strictly observed in our best society, and is consid-
ered especially binding in answering a first invitation.
If persons are in mourning, they regret that a recent
bereavement prevents them from accepting. Those con-
templating being absent from home, regret that contem-
plated absence from home prevents them from accept-
260 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING.
ing. " A previous engagement " is made the excuse
when there is an engagement either at home or away
from it, and also when one has no inclination to accept;
which makes it quite necessary for those who really
regret their inability to accept, to mention what that
engagement is.
THE FAMILY LETTER.
It seems hardly necessary to give the form of a letter
from one member of a family to another. It is often
the case that letters sent from home to an absent mem-
ber are decidedly unsatisfactory, if not to a great extent
of little interest outside of one or two facts mentioned.
Consequently some hint as to what those letters should
be, are here given. They should be written as though
the writer were talking, using familiar expressions, and
such peculiarities as the writer possesses in ordinary
speech should find a place in the letter. The writer
may speak of many trivial things at and about home,
and gossipy matters in the neighborhood, and should
keep the absent one posted upon all minor facts and
occurrences, as well as the more important ones. The
writer may make inquiries as to how the absent one is
enjoying himself, whether -he finds any place better than
home, and ask such other questions as he may desire,
concluding with sincere expressions of affection from
various members of the family. The absent one may,
in like manner, express himself freely on all subjects,
describe his journey minutely, and speak of whatever
he may feel deep interest in. In short, a family letter
may be as gossipy as the writer can make it, without
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 261
much regard to an attempt at showy or dignified com-
position.
THE LETTER OP FRIENDSHIP.
This should be of a more dignified tone, contain less
trivialties than the family letter, and should embrace
matters that will be of interest to both. A letter of
friendship should be answered in due time, according to
the intimacy of the parties, but should not be delayed
long enough to allow the friendship to cool, if there is
a desire to keep it warm.
THE LOVE LETTER.
Of this it may be only said, that while it may be
expressive of sincere esteem and affection, it should be
of a dignified tone, and written in such a style, that if
it should ever come under the eyes of others than the
party to whom it was written, there may be found in it
nothing of which the writer may be ashamed, either of
silliness or of extravagant expression.
BUSINESS LETTERS.
These should be brief and to the point, should be of
plain chirography, and relate to the business in hand, in
as few words and as clearly as possible. Begin at once
without apology or explanation, and finish up the matter
pertaining to the business. If an apology or explanation
is due, it may be made briefly at the close of the letter,
after the business has been attended to. A letter on
business should be answered at once, or as soon as possi-
ble after receiving it.
262 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING
It is allowable, in some cases, upon receiving a brief
business letter, to write the reply on the same page,
beneath the original letter, and return both letter and
answer together.
Among business letters may be classed all correspond-
ence relating to business, applications for situations,
testimonials regarding the character of a servant or
employe, letters requesting the loan of money or an
article, and letters granting or denying the favor; while
all forms of drawing up notes, drafts and receipts may
properly be included. The forms of some of these are
here given.
LETTERS REQUESTING EMPLOYMENT.
A letter of this kind should be short, and written with
care and neatness, that the writer may both show his
penmanship and his business-like qualities, which are
often judged of by the form of. his letter. It may be
after this fashion:
NEW YORK, March 1, 1880.
MESSRS. LORD & NOBLE,
DEAR SIRS:
Having heard that you are in need of more assistance
in your establishment (or store, office) I venture to ask
you for employment. I can refer you to Messrs. Jones
& Smith, my late employers, as to my qualifications,
should you decide to consider my application.
Yours truly,
JAMES ROBERTS.
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING. 263
LETTERS REGARDING THE CHARACTER OF A SERVANT.
DEAR MADAM: Sarah Riley, having applied to me
for the position, of cook, refers me to you for a charac-
ter. I feel particularly anxious to obtain a good servant
for the coming winter, and shall therefore feel obliged
by your making me acquainted with any particulars
referring to her character, and remain, madam,
Your very obedient servant,
MRS. GEORGB STONE.
To MRS. ALFRED STARK.
MRS. GEORGE STONE,
DEAR MADAM: It gives me pleasure to say that
Sarah Riley lived with me for two years, and during
that time I found her active, diligent and efficient. She
is a superior cook, and I have full confidence in her
honesty. I feel that I can recommend her with full
confidence of her being likely to give you satisfaction.
I am, madam,
Your very obedient servant,
MRS. ALFRED STARK.
MRS. GEORGE STONE,
DEAR MADAM: In replying to your note of inquiry,
I beg to inform you that Sarah Riley, who lived with
me in the capacity of cook, left my services because I
did not find her temper and habits in all respects satis-
factory. She was thoroughly competent as a cook, but
in other respects I cannot conscientiously recommend
her. I remain,
Yours, very truly,
MRS. ALFRED STARK.
NOTES, DRAFTS, BILLS AND RECEIPTS.
The following are forms of notes, drafts, receipts,
etc.:
264 THE ART OF LETTER WRITING,
Promissory Note Without Interest.
$500. CINCINNATI, O., June 6, 1880o
Sixty days after date, I promise to pay Samuel Arch-
over, or order, at my office in Cincinnati, five hundred
dollars, value received.
TIMOTHY MORTGRAVE.
Promissory Note With Interest but not Negotiable.
$125.30. CHICAGO, Sept. 2, 1880.
For value received, I promise to pay Daniel Cartright
one hundred and twenty-five dollars and thirty cents, on
August 12th next, with interest at seven per cent, after
January 1, 1881.
JOHN S. ALLBRIGHT.
A Negotiable Note Payable to Bearer.
$75. DETROIT, MICH., Oct. 8, 1881.
Thirty days after date, for value received, I promise
to pay Silas G. Smithers, or bearer, at my office in
Detroit, seventy-five dollars with interest from date.
SAMUEL Q. PETTIBONB.
Form of a Receipt.
$25. NEW YORK, Nov. 3, 1880.
Received from James O. Mitchell, twenty-five dollar^
to apply on account. SMITH, JONES & Co.
Form of a Draft, Time from Sight.
$1,000. DETROIT, MICH., July 7, 1880.
At ten days sight, pay to the order of J. Smith & Co.,
one thousand dollars, and charge the same to the ao-
eount of SHEPARD & NILES.
To SAMUEL STOKER & Co.,
Indianapolis, Ind.
THE ART OF LETTER WRITING.
266
A Draft or Order " Without Grace."
$175. CINCINNATI, OHIO, Aug. 12, 1880.
At sight, without grace, pay to F. B. Dickerson <fe
Co., one hundred and seventy-five dollars, and charge
to the account of H. S. MOREHOUSE.
To TRADERS' NATIONAL BANK,
Cincinnati, Ohio.
Form of a Bill.
BUFFALO, N. Y., Dec. 6, 1880.
MARTIN HUGHES, Dr.
To JOHN J. HART.
Four volumes History of France, at $2.50 per volume,
$10.00.
Received payment.
CHAPTER XXIII.
of (&&n&mct.
N society, everybody should receive
equal attention, the young as well as
the old. A high authority says, " If
we wish our young people to grow
up self-possessed and at ease, we
must early train them in those graces
by giving them the same attention
and consideration we do those of maturer
years. If we snub them, and systemat-
ically neglect them, they will acquire an
awkwardness and a deprecatory manner,
which will be very difficult for them to over-
come."
GRACEFULNESS OF CARRIAGE.
Physical education is indispensable to every well-bred
man and woman. A gentleman should not only know
how to fence, to box, to ride, to shoot and to swim, but
he should also know how to carry himself gracefully,
and how to dance, if he would enjoy life to the utmost.
A graceful carriage can best be attained by the aid of a
drilling master, as dancing and boxing are taught. A
GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 267
man should be able to defend himself from ruffians, if
attacked, and also to defend women from their insults.
Dancing and calisthenics are also essential for a lady,
for the better the physical training, the more graceful
and self-possessed she will be. Every lady should know
how to dance, whether she intends to dance in society
or not. Swimming, skating, archery, games of lawn-
tennis, and croquet, riding and driving, all aid in
strengthening the muscles and giving open air exercise,
and are therefore desirable recreations for the young of
both sexes.
ATTITUDE.
Awkwardness of attitude is a mark of vulgarity.
Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eye-glass,
a watch-chain or the like, gives an air of gaucherie. A
lady who sits cross-legged or sidewise on her chair, who
stretches out her feet, who has a habit of holding her
chin, or twirling her ribbons or fingering her buttons;
a man who lounges in his chair, nurses his leg, bites his
nails, or caresses his foot crossed over on his knee,
shows clearly a want of good home training. Each
should be quiet and graceful, either in their sitting or
standing position, the gentleman being allowed more
freedom than the lady. He may sit cross-legged if he
wish, but should not sit with his knees far apart, nor
with his foot on his knee. If an object is to be indi-
cated, you must move the whole hand, or the head, but
never point the finger.
268 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.
COUGHING, SNEEZING, ETC.
Coughing, sneezing, clearing the throat, etc., if done
at all, must be done as quickly as possible. Snuffing,
hawking and expectorating must never be done in
society. A sneeze can be checked by pressing the
thumb or fingers firmly across the bridge of the nose.
If not checked, the face should be buried in the hand-
kerchief, during the act of sneezing, for obvious reasons.
ANECDOTES, PUNS AND REPARTEES.
Anecdotes should be seldom brought into a conversa-
tion. Puns are always regarded as vulgar. Repartee
should be indulged in with moderation, and never kept
up, as it degenerates' into the vulgarity of an altercation.
A SWEET AND PURE BREATH.
The breath should be kept sweet and pure. Onions
are the forbidden fruit, because of their offensiveness to
the breath. No gentleman should go into the presence
of ladies smelling of tobacco.
SMOKING.
It is neither respectful nor polite to smoke in the
presence of ladies, even though they have given per-
mission, nor should a gentleman smoke in a room which
ladies are in the habit of frequenting. In those homes
when the husband is permitted to smoke in any room of
the house, the sons will follow the father's example, and
the air of the rooms becomes like that of a public house.
GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.
SUPPRESSION OF EMOTION.
Suppression of undue emotion, whether of laughter,
of anger, or of mortification, of disappointment, or of
selfishness in any form, is a mark of good breeding.
A GOOD LISTENER.
To be a good listener is almost as great an art as to
be a good talker; but it is not enough only to listen,
you must endeavor to seem interested in the conversa-
tion of those who are talking. Only the low-bred allow
their impatience to be manifest.
Give precedence to those older or of higher social
position than yourself, unless they required you to take
the precedence, when it is better to obey than to refuse.
Be more careful to give others their rank of precedence
than to take your own.
BE MODERATE.
Always express your own opinions with modesty, and,
if called upon, defend them, but without that warmth
which may lead to hard feelings. Do not enter into
argument. Having spoken your mind, and thus shown
you are not cowardly in your beliefs and opinions, drop
the subject and lead to some other topic. There i
seldom any profit in idle discussion.
270 GENERAL RULES OP CONDUCT.
SINGING AND PLATING IN SOCIETY.
A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety
to sing or play: but being requested to do so, if she
intends to comply, she should do so at once, without
waiting to be urged. If she refuses, she should do
so in a manner that shall make her decision final. Hav-
ing complied, she should not monopolize the evening
with her performances, but make room for others.
RECEIVING AND MAKING PRESENTS.
Emerson says: "Our tokens of love are for the most
part barbarous, cold and lifeless, because they do not
represent our life. The only gift is a portion of thy-
self. Therefore let the farmer give his corn; the
miner his gem; the sailor coral or shells; the painter his
picture, and the poet his poem." To persons of refined
nature, whatever the friend creates takes added value as
part of themselves part of their lives, as it were, hav-
ing gone into it. People of the highest rank, abroad,
will often accept, with gratitude, a bit of embroidery
done by a friend, a poem inscribed to them by an author;
a painting executed by some artist; who would not
care for the most expensive bauble that was offered
them. Mere costliness does not constitute the soul of a
present; it is the kind feeling that it manifests which
gives it its value. People who possess noble natures
do not make gifts where they feel neither affection nor
respect, but their gifts are bestowed out of the 'fullness
of kind hearts
GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT 271
A present should be acknowledged without delay, but
you must not follow it quickly by a return. It is to be
taken for granted that a gift is intended to afford pleas-
ure to the recipient, not to be regarded as a question
of investment or exchange. Never allude to a present
you have given, unless you have reason to believe that it
has not been received by the person to whom it was
sent
Unmarried ladies should not accept presents from
gentlemen who are neither related nor engaged to them,
nor indebted to them for some marked favors. A mar-
ried lady may accept presents from a gentleman who is
indebted to her for hospitality.
In presenting a book to a friend, do not write in it
the name of the person to whom it is given. But this
is a rule better honored in its breach than in its observ-
ance, when the giver of the book is its author.
Presents made by a married lady to a gentleman,
should be in the name of both herself and her husband.
Never refuse a present if offered in kindness, unless
the circumstances are such that you cannot, with pro-
priety, receive it. Nor, in receiving a present, make
such comments as would seem to indicate that your
friend cannot afford to make the present. On the other
hand, never make a present which you cannot afford to
make. In that case the recipient, if he or she knows
anything of your circumstances, will think that you had
better kept it yourself.
272 GENERAL KULES OF CONDUCT.
GOVERNING OUR MOODS.
We should subdue our gloomy moods before we enter
society. To look pleasantly and to speak kindly is a
duty we owe to others. Neither should we afflict them
with any dismal account of our health, state of mind or
outward circumstances. Nevertheless, if another makes
us the confidant of his woes, we should strive to appear
sympathetic, and if possible help him to be stronger
under them. A lady who shows by act, or expresses in
plain, curt words, that the visit of another is unwelcome,
may perhaps pride herself upon being no hypocrite.
But she is, in reality, worse. She is grossly selfish.
Courtesy requires her, for the time being, to forget her
own feelings, and remember those of her visitor, and
thus it is her duty to make that visitor happy while she
remains.
A LADY DRIVING WITH A GENTLEMAN.
When a lady offers to drive a gentleman in her phae-
ton, he should walk to her house, if he accepts the invi-
tation, unless, the distance being great, she should pro-
pose to call for him. In that case he will be on the
watch, so as not to keep her waiting, and, if possible,
meet her on the way.
AN INVITATION CANNOT BE RECALLED.
An invitation, once given, cannot be recalled, even
from the best motives, without subjecting the one who
recalls it to the charge of being either ignorant or re-
gardless of all conventional rules of politeness. There
GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 273
is but one exception to this rule, and that is when the
invitation has been delivered to the wrong person.
AVOID TALKING OF PERSONALITIES.
Avoid speaking of your birth, your travels and of all
personal matters, to those who may misunderstand you,
and consider it boasting. When induced to speak of
them, do not dwell too long upon them, and do not
speak boastfully.
ABOUT PERSONS' NAMES.
Do not speak of absent persons, who are not relatives
or intimate friends, by their Christian names or sur-
names, but always as Mr. , or Mrs. , or Miss
. Never name anyone by the first letter of his
name, as "Mr. C." Give a foreigner his name in full
when speaking of him.
SHUN GOSSIP AND TALE-BEARING.
Gossip and tale-bearing are always a personal confes-
sion either of malice or imbecility. The young of both
sexes should not only shun these things, but, by the
most thorough culture, relieve themselves from all temp-
tation in that direction.
REMOVING THE HAT.
A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat OB
in the presence of ladies. Indeed, a gentleman instinc-
tively removes his hat as soon as he enters a room, the
habitual resort of ladies. A gentleman never retain*
18
274: GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.
his hat in a theatre or other place of public entertain-
ment
TREATMENT OF INFERIORS.
Never affect superiority. In the company of an in-
ferior never let him feel his inferiority. If you invite
an inferior as your guest, treat him with all the polite-
ness and consideration you would show an equal.
INTRUDING ON PRIVACY.
Never enter a private room anywhere without knock-
ing. Sacredly respect the private property of others,
and let no curiosity tempt you to pry into letters, desks,
packets, trunks, or other belongings of another. It is
ill-mannered to read a written paper lying upon a table
or desk; whatever it may be, it is certainly no business
of yours. No person should ever look over the shoulder
of another who is reading or writing. You must not
question a servant or child upon family affairs. Never
betray an implied confidence, even if you have not been
bound to secrecy.
KEEPING ENGAGEMENTS.
Nothing is more rude than to make an engagement,
be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your
memory is not sufficiently retentive to keep all the en-
gagements you make, carry a little memorandum book,
and enter them there.
VALUE OF POLITENESS.
Chesterfield says: "As learning, honor and virtue
are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and
GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 275
admiration of mankind, politeness and good-breeding
are equally necessary to make you welcome and agree-
able in conversation and common life. Great talents,
such as honor, virtue, learning and arts, are above the
generality of the world, who neither possess them them-
selves, nor judge of them rightly in others; but all peo-
ple are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, affa-
bility, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner;
because they feel the good effects of them, as making
society easy and pleasing."
ADAPTING YOURSELF TO OTHERS.
Conform your conduct as far as possible to the com-
pany you chance to be with, only do not throw your-
self into improper company. It is better even to laugh
at and join in with vulgarity, so that it do not degen-
erate into indecency, than to set yourself up as better,
and better-mannered than those with whom you may
chance to be associated. True politeness and genuine
good manners often not only permit but absolutely
demand a temporary violation of the ordinary obliga-
tions of etiquette.
A WOMAN'S GOOD NAME.
Let no man speak a word against a woman at any
time, or mention a woman's name in any company where
it should not be spoken. " Civility," says Lord Chester-
field, "is particularly due to all women; and remember
that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in
not being civil to every woman; and the greatest man
276 GENEBAL BULKS OP CONDUCT.
would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to
the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the
only protection they have against the superior strength
of ours."
DO NOT CONTBADICT.
Never directly contradict anyone. Say, " I beg your
pardon, but I think you are mistaken or misinformed,"
or some such similar phrase which shall break the weight
of direct contradiction. Where the matter is unimport-
ant it is better to let it pass without correction.
EXPBESSING UNFAVOBABLE OPINIONS.
You should be exceedingly cautious about expressing
an unfavorable opinion relative to a young lady to a
young man who appears to be attracted by, and atten-
tive to her. If they should marry, the remembrance of
your observations will not be pleasurable to yourself nor
the married parties.
A CONVEBSATION CHECKED.
If a person checks himself in a conversation, you
should not insist on hearing what he intended to say.
There is some good reason for checking himself, and it
might cause him unpleasant feelings to urge him to carry
out his first intentions.
VULGABITIES.
Some of the acts which may be classed as vulgarities
when committed in the presence of others are given:
To sit with your back to a person, without asking to
be excused
GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 277
To stand or sit with the feet wide apart.
To hum, whistle or sing in suppressed tones.
To stand with the arms akimbo; to lounge or yawn,
or to do anything which shows disrespect, selfishness or
indifference.
To correct inaccuracies in the statements of others, or
their modes of speech.
To use profane language, or stronger expression than
the occasion justifies.
To chew tobacco and its unnecessary accompaniment,
spitting, are vulgar in the extreme.
MISCELLANEOUS RULES.
A gentleman precedes a lady passing through a crowd;
ladies precede gentlemen under ordinary circumstances.
Give your children, unless married, their Christian
names only, or say "my daughter" or "my son," in
speaking of them to any one except servants.
Ladies in escorting each other, never offer to take the
arm.
Acknowledge an invitation to stop with a friend, or
any unusual attention without delay.
Never boast of birth, money or friends, or of any su-
perior advantages you may possess.
Never ridicule others, be the object of your ridicule
present or absent.
Always show respect for the religious opinions and
observances of others, no matter how much they may
differ from your own.
278 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.
You should never scratch your head, pick your teeth,
clean your nails or pick your nose in company.
Never lean your head against the wall, as you may
disgust your wife or hostess by soiling the paper of her
room.
Never slam a door or stamp noisily on entering a
room.
Always be punctual. You have no right to waste
the time of others by making them wait for you.
Always hand a chair for a lady, pick up her glove and
perform any little service she may seem to require.
Never attract attention to yourself by talking or
laughing loudly in public gatherings.
Keep yourself quiet and composed under all circum-
stances. Do not get fidgety. If you feel that time
drags heavily, do not let this be apparent to others by
any visible sign of uneasiness.
Refrain from absent-mindedness in the presence of
others. You pay them a poor compliment if you thus
forget them.
Never refuse to accept an apology for an offense, and
never hesitate to make one, if one is due from you.
Never answer another rudely or impatiently. Reply
courteously, at whatever inconvenience to yourself.
Never intrude upon a business man or woman in
business hours unless you wish to see them on busi-
ness.
Never engage a person in private conversation in
presence of others, nor make any mysterious allusions
which no one else understands.
GENERAL KTTLES OF CONDUCT. 279
On entering a room, bow slightly as a general saluta-
tion, before speaking to each of the persons assembled.
Do not seem to notice by word or glance, the deform-
ity of another.
To administer reproof to anyone in the presence of
others is very impolite. To scold at any time is unwise.
Never undertake a commission for a friend and neg-
lect to perform it.
Never play a practical joke upon anyone, or answer a
serious remark by a flippant one.
Never lend a borrowed book, and never keep such a
book a single day after you are done with it.
Never pass between two persons who are talking to-
gether; and never pass before persons when it is possible
to pass behind them. When such an act is absolutely
necessary, always apologize for so doing.
" Never speak of a man's virtues before his face, or
his faults behind his back," is a maxim to be remembered.
Another maxim is, "In private watch your thoughts;
in your family watch your temper; in society watch
your tongue."
Never address a mere acquaintance by his or her
Christian name. It is a presumption at which the ac-
quaintance may take offense.
Haughtiness and contempt are among the habits to
be avoided. The best way is to deal courteously with
the rude as well as with the courteous.
In the presence of others, talk as little of yourself as
possible, or of the business or profession in which you
are engaged.
280 GENERAL KULE8 OF CONDUCT.
It shows a want of courtesy to consult your watch,
either at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as
though you were tired of your company, and wished
them to be gone. If abroad, it appears as though the
hours dragged heavily, and you were calculating how
soon you would be released.
Do not touch or handle any of the ornaments in the
house where you visit. They are intended to be ad-
mired, not handled by visitors.
Do not read in company. A gentleman or lady may,
however, look over a book of engravings or a collection
of photographs with propriety.
Every species of affectation should be avoided, as it is
always detected, and exceedingly disagreeable.
WASHINGTON'S MAXIMS.
Mr. Sparks, in his biography of Washington, has
given to the public a collection of Washington's direc-
tions as to personal conduct, which he called his " Rules
of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company." We
give these rules entire, as the reader may be interested
in learning the principles which governed the conduct
of the " Father of his Country."
Every action in company ought to be with some sign
of respect to those present.
In the presence of others sing not to yourself with a
humming voice, nor drum with your fingers or feet.
Speak not when others speak, sit not when others
aland, and walk not when others stop.
Turn not your back to others, especially in speaking;
GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 281
jog not the table or desk on which another reads or
writes; lean not on anyone.
Be no flatterer, neither play with anyone that delights
not to be played with.
Read no letters, books or papers in company; but
when there is a necessity for doing it, you must not
leave. Come not near the books or writings of anyone
so as to read them unasked; also look not nigh when
another is writing a letter.
Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious mat-
ters somewhat grave.
Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another,
though he were your enemy.
They that are in dignity or office have in all places
precedency, but whilst they are young, they ought to
respect those that are their equals in birth or other
qualities, though they have no public charge.
It is good manners to prefer them to whom we speak
before ourselves, especially if they be above us.
Let your discourse with men of business be short and
comprehensive.
In visiting the sick do not presently play the physician
if you be not knowing therein.
In writing or speaking, give to every person his due
title according to his degree and the custom of the
place.
Strive not with your superiors in argument, but al-
ways submit your judgment to others with modesty.
Undertake not to teach your equal in the art he him-
self professes; it savors arrogancy.
When a man does all he can though it succeeds not
well, blame not him that did it.
Being to advise or reprehend anyone, consider whether
it ought to be in public or in private, presently or at
some other time, also in what terms to do it; and in
282 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.
reproving show no signs of choler, but do it with sweet-
ness and mildness.
Mock not nor jest at anything of importance; break
no jests that are sharp or biting, and if you deliver any-
thing witty or pleasant, abstain from laughing thereat
yourself.
Wherein you reprove another be unblamable yourself,
for example is more prevalent than precept.
Use no reproachful language against any one, neither
curses or revilings.
Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the dispar-
agement of anyone.
In your apparel be modest, and endeavor to accom-
modate nature rather than procure admiration. Keep
to the fashion of your equals, such as are civil and
orderly with respect to time and place.
Play not the peacock, looking everywhere about you
to see if you be well decked, if your shoes fit well, if
your stockings set neatly and clothes handsomely.
Associate yourself with men of good quality if you
esteem your reputation, for it is better to be alone than
in bad company.
Let your conversation be without malice or envy, for
it is a sign of a tractable and commendable nature; and
in all cases of passion admit reason to govern.
Be not immodest in urging your friend to discover a
secret.
Utter not base and frivolous things amongst grown
and learned men, nor very difficult questions or subjects
amongst the ignorant, nor things hard to be believed.
Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth nor at
the table ; speak not of melancholy things, as death and
wounds; and if others mention them, change, if you
can, the discourse. Tell not your dreams but to your
intimate friends.
GENERAL KULES OF CONDUCT. 283
Break not a jest when none take pleasure in mirth.
Laugh not aloud, nor at all without occasion. Deride
no man's misfortunes, though there seem to be some
cause.
Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor earnest.
Scoff at none, although they give occasion.
Be not forward, but friendly and courteous, the first
to salute, hear and answer, and be not pensive when it
is time to converse.
Detract not from others, but neither be excessive in
commending.
Go not thither where you know not whether you shall
be welcome or not. Give not advice without being
asked; and when desired, do it briefly.
If two contend together, take not the part of either
unconstrained, and be not obstinate in your opinions;
in things indifferent be of the major side.
Reprehend not the imperfection of others, for that
belongs to parents, masters and superiors.
Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of others, and ask
not how they came. What you may speak in secret to
your friend deliver not before others.
Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, but in
your own language; and that as those of quality do,
and not as the vulgar. Sublime matters treat seriously.
Think before you speak; pronounce not imperfectly,
nor bring out your words too heartily, but orderly and
distinctly.
When another speaks, be attentive yourself, and dis-
turb not the audience. If any hesitate in his words,
help him not, nor prompt him without being desired;
interrupt him not, nor answer him till his speech be
ended.
Treat with men at fit times about business, and whis-
per not in the company of others.
284 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.
Make no comparisons; and if any of the company be
commended for any brave act of virtue, commend not
another for the same.
Be not apt to relate news if you know not the truth
thereof. In discoursing of things that you have heard,
name not your author always. A secret discover not.
Be not curious to know the affairs of others, neither
approach to those who speak in private.
Undertake not what you cannot perform; but be
careful to keep your promise.
When you deliver a matter, do it without passion and
indiscretion, however mean the person may be you do it
to.
When your superiors talk to anybody, hear them;
neither speak nor laugh.
In disputes be not so desirous to overcome as not to
give liberty to each one to deliver his opinion, and sub-
mit to the judgment of the major part, especially if they
are judges of the dispute.
Be not tedious in discourse, make not many digress-
ions, nor repeat often the same matter of discourse.
Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust.
Be not angry at table, whatever happens; and if you
have reason to be so show it not; put on a cheerful
countenance, especially if there be strangers, for good
humor makes one dish a feast.
Set not yourself at the upper end of the table; but if
it be your due, or the master of the house will have it
so, contend not, lest you should trouble the company.
When you speak of God or his attributes, let it be
seriously, in reverence and honor, and obey your natural
parents.
Let your recreations be manful, not sinful.
Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of
celestial fire called conscience.
CHAPTER XXIV.
HE custom of celebrating anniversary
weddings has, of late years, been
largely practiced, and they have
become a very pleasant means of
social reunion among the relatives
and friends of both husband and
wife. Often this is the only reason
for celebrating them, and the occasion is
sometimes taken advantage of to give a
large party, of a more informal nature
than could be given under other circum-
stances. The occasion becomes one of the
memorable events in the life of the couple
whose wedding anniversary is celebrated. It
is an occasion for recalling the happy event which
brought to each a new existence, and changed the cur-
rent of their lives. It is an occasion for them to receive
congratulations upon their past married life, and wishes
for many additional years of wedded bliss.
Upon these occasions the married couple sometimes
appear in the costumes worn by them on their wedding
(285)
286 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
day, which they have preserved with punctilious care,
and when many years have intervened the quaintness
and oddity of the style of dress from the prevailing
style is a matter of interest, and the occasion of pleasant
comments. The couple receive their guests together,
who upon entering the drawing-room, where they are
receiving, extend to them their congratulations and
wishes for continued prosperity and happiness. The
various anniversaries are designated by special names,
indicative of the presents suitable on each occasion,
should guests deem it advisable to send presents. It
may be here stated that it is entirely optional with par-
ties invited as to whether any presents are sent or taken.
At the earlier anniversaries, much pleasantry and amuse-
ment is occasioned by presenting unique and fantastic
articles, gotten up for the occasion. When this is con-
templated, care should be taken that they should not be
such as are liable to give offense to a person of sensitive
nature.
THE PAPER, COTTON AND LEATHER WEDDING.
The first anniversay of the wedding-day is called the
Paper Wedding, the second the Cotton Wedding, and
the third the Leather Wedding. The invitations to the
first should be issued on a grey paper, representing thin
cardboard. Presents, if given should be solely articles
made of paper.
The invitations for the cotton wedding should be
neatly printed on fine white cloth, and presents should
be of articles of cotton cloth.
ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 287
For the leather wedding invitations should be issued
upon leather, tastily gotten up, and presents, of course,
should be articles made of leather.
THE WOODEN WEDDING.
The wooden wedding is the fifth anniversay of the
marriage. The invitations should be upon thin cards
of wood, or they may be written on a sheet of wedding
note paper, and a card of wood enclosed in the envelope.
The presents suitable to this occasion are most numer-
ous, and may range from a wooden paper knife or tri-
fling article for kitchen use up to a complete set of
parlor or kitchen furniture.
THE TIN WEDDING.
The tenth anniversary of the marriage is called the tin
wedding. The invitations for this anniversary may be
made upon cards covered with a tin card inclosed. The
guests, if they desire to accompany their congratula-
tions with appropriate presents, have the whole list of
articles manufactured by the tinner's art from which to
select.
THE CRYSTAL WEDDING.
The crystal wedding is the fifteenth anniversary.
Invitations may be on thin, transparent paper, or col-
ored sheets of prepared gelatine, or on ordinary wed-
ding note-paper, enclosing a sheet of mica. The guests
make their offerings to their host and hostess of trifles
of glass, which may be more or less valuable, as the
donor feels inclined.
288 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
THE CHINA WEDDING.
The china wedding occurs on the twentieth anniver-
sary of the wedding-day. Invitations should be issued
on exceedingly fine, semi-transparent note-paper or
cards. Various articles for the dining or tea-table or
for the toilet-stand, vases or mantel ornaments, all are
appropriate on this occasion.
THE SILVER WEDDING.
The silver wedding occurs on the twenty-fifth mar-
riage anniversary. The invitations issued for this wed-
ding should be upon the finest note-paper, printed in
bright silver, with monogram or crest upon both paper
and envelope, in silver also. If presents are offered by
any of the guests, they should be of silver, and may be
the merest trifles, or more expensive, as the means and
inclinations of the donors incline.
THE GOLDEN WEDDING.
The close of the fiftieth year of married life brings
round the appropriate time for the golden wedding.
Fifty years of married happiness may indeed be crowned
with gold. The invitations for this anniversary celebra-
tion should be printed on the finest note-paper in gold,
with crest or monogram on both paper and envelopes in
highly-burnished gold. The presents, if any are offered,
are also in gold.
ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 289
THE DIAMOND WEDDING.
Rarely, indeed, is a diamond wedding celebrated.
This should be held on the seventy-fifth anniversary of
the marriage-day. So seldom are these occurrences
that custom has sanctioned no particular style or form
to be observed in the invitations. They might be
issued upon diamond-shaped cards, enclosed in envel.
opes of a corresponding shape. There can be no gen-
eral offering of presents at such a wjedding, since dia-
monds in any number are beyond the means of most
persons.
PRESENTS AT ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
It is not, as before stated, required that an invitation
to an anniversary wedding be acknowledged by a val-
uable gift, or indeed by any. The donors on such occa-
sions are usually only members of the family or inti-
mate friends, and may act at their own discretion in the
matter of giving presents.
On the occasion of golden or silver weddings, it is
not amiss to have printed at the bottom of the invita-
tion the words " No presents," or to enclose a card
announcing
" It is preferred that no wedding gifts be offered."
INVITATIONS TO ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
The invitations to anniversary weddings may vary-
something in their wording, according to the fancy of
the writer, but they are all similar. They should give
the date of the marriage and the anniversary. They
16
290 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
may or may not give the name of the husband at the
right-hand side and the maiden name of the wife at the
left. What the anniversary is should also be indicated.
The following form will serve as a model:
at mttfie a
A proper variation will make this form equally suit-
able for any of the other anniversary weddings.
MARRIAGE CEREMONY AT ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
It is not unusual to have the marriage ceremony re-
peated at these anniversary weddings, especially at the
silver or golden wedding. The earliest anniversaries
are almost too trivial occasions upon which to introduce
this ceremony. The clergyman who officiates may so
change the exact words of the marriage ceremony as to
render them appropriate to the occasion.
CHAPTER XXV.
tvtto atifl
PON the announcement of the birth
of a child, the lady friends of the
mother send her their cards, with
inquiries after her health. As soon
as she is strong enough to permit,
the mother returns her own card to
all from whom she received cards and
inquiries, with "thanks for kind inqui-
ries." Her lady friends then make per-
sonal visits, but gentlemen do not call
upon the mother on these occasions. If
they wish, they may pay their visits to the
father, and inquire after the health of the
mother and child.
NAMING THE CHILD.
It becomes an all-important matter to the parents,
what name they shall give to the newly-born child, and
as this is a matter which may also concern the latter at
some future day, it becomes an object of solicitude,
until a suitable name is settled upon. The custom in
(291)
292 BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS.
Scotland is to name the first son after the father's
father, and the first daughter after the mother's mother,
the second son after the father, the second daughter
after the mother, and succeeding children after other
near relations. This perpetuates family names, and if
they are persons whose names are regarded as worthy of
perpetuation, it may be considered a good custom to
follow. With some it is customary to name children
after some renowned person, either living or dead.
There are objections to this plan, however, for if the
person be still living, he may commit some act which
will bring opprobrium to his name, and so cause both
the parent and child to be ashamed of bearing such a
disgraced name. If the person after whom the child is
named be dead, it may be that the child's character
may be so entirely different from the person who for-
merly bore it, that the name shall be made a reproach
or satire.
The plan of reviving the old Saxon names has been
adopted by some, and it has been claimed that the
names of Edgar, Edwin, Arthur, Alfred, Ethel, Maud,
Edith, Theresa, and many others of the Saxon names
are pleasant sounding and strong, and a desirable con-
trast to the Fannies, Mamies, Minnies, Lizzies, Sadies,
and other petty diminutives which have taken the place
of better sounding and stronger names.
THE CHRISTENING.
The christening and the baptism usually occur at the
same time, and are regulated according to the practices
BERTHS AND CHRISTENINGS.
of the special church where the parents attend worship.
As these are quite varied, it will be sufficient only to
indicate the forms and customs which society imposes
at such times.
GODPARENTS OR SPONSORS.
In the Episcopal Church there are two, and somtimes
three, godparents or sponsors. If the child is a boy,
there are two godfathers and one godmother. If a girl,
two godmothers and one godfather. The persons se-
lected for godparents should be near relatives or friends
of long and close standing, and should be members of
the same church into which the child is baptized. The
maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather usually
act as sponsors for the first child, the maternal grand-
father and paternal grandmother for the second. A
person invited to act as godparent should not refuse
without good reason. If the grandparents are not
selected, it is an act of courtesy to select the godmother,
and allow her to designate the godfather. Young per-
sons should not stand sponsors to an infant; and none
should offer to act unless their superior position war-
rants them in so doing.
PRESENTS FROM GODFATHERS.
The sponsors must make their godchild a present of
some sort a silver mug, a knife, spoon and fork, a
handsomely-bound bible, or perhaps a costly piece of
lace or embroidery suitable for infants' wear. The god-
father may give a cup, with name engraved, and the
godmother the christening robe and cap.
294 BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS.
THE CHRISTENING CEREMONY.
Upon entering the church the babe is carried first in
the arms of its nurse. Next come the sponsors, and
after them the father and mother, if she is able to be
present. The invited guests follow. In taking their
places the sponsors stand, the godfather on the right
and the godmother on the left of the child. When the
question is asked, " Who are the sponsors for the child ?"
the proper persons should merely bow their heads with-
out speaking.
In the Roman Catholic Church baptism takes place at
as early a date as possible. If the child does not seem
to be strong, a priest is sent for at once, and the cere-
mony is performed at the mother's bedside. If, on the
other hand, the child is healthy, it is taken to the church
within a few days after its birth. In Protestant churches
the ceremony of baptism is usually deferred until the
mother is able to be present. If the ceremony is per-
formed at home, a carriage must be sent for the clergy-
man, and retained to convey him back again after the
ceremony is concluded. A luncheon may follow the
christening, though a collation of cake and wine will fill
all the requirements of etiquette. It is the duty of tha
godfather to propose the health of the infant.
PRESENTS PROM GUESTS.
Friends invited to a christening should remember the
babe in whose honor they convene, by some trifling gift.
BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS. 295
Gentlemen may present an article 01 silver, ladies some-
thing of their own manufacture.
THE HERO OF THE OCCASION.
It should be remembered that the baby is the person
of the greatest importance on these occasions, and the
guests should give it a large share of attention and
praise. The parents, however, must not make this duty
too onerous to their guests by keeping a tired, fretful
child on exhibition. It is better to send it at once to
the care of the nurse as soon as the ceremony is over.
FEES TO THE CLERGYMAN.
Though the Church performs the ceremony of bap-
tism gratuitously, the parents should, if they are able,
make a present to the officiating clergyman, or, through
him a donation to the poor of the neighborhood.
CHAPTER XXVI.
HE saddest of all ceremonies is that at-
tendant upon the death of relatives
and friends, and it becomes us to
show, in every possible way, the ut-
most consideration for the feelings
of the bereaved, and the deepest
respect for the melancholy occasion.
Of late the forms of ostentation at funer-
als are gradually diminishing, and by
some people of intelligence, even mourn-
ing habiliments are rejected in whole or
in part.
INVITATION TO A FUNERAL.
It is customary in cities to give the notice
of death and announcement of a funeral through the
daily newspapers, though sometimes when such announce-
ment may not reach all friends in time, invitations
to the funeral are sent to personal and family friends of
the deceased. In villages where there is no daily paper,
such invitations are often issued.
(296)
FUNERALS. 29T
Private invitations are usually printed on fine small
note paper, with a heavy black border, and in such
form as the following:
. (or from . Pawfs Episcopal
Church), 'fa ^t&ee-etz &
*?'
When an announcement of a death is sent to a friend
or relative at a distant point, it is usual to telegraph or
to write the notice of death, time and place of funeral,
to allow the friend an opportunity to arrive before the
services.
It is a breach of good manners not to accept an invi-
tation to a funeral, when one is sent.
ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FUNERAL.
It is customary to trust the details of the arrange-
ments for the funeral to some relative or friend of the
family, and if there be no friend who can perform thia
298 FUNERALS.
duty, it can be safely left with the undertaker to per-
form the painful duties of master of ceremonies. It is
prudent to name a limit for the expenses of the funeral,
and the means of the family should always govern these.
Pomp and display should always be avoided, as they
are out of keeping with the solemn occasion, and incon-
sistent with real grief. At the funeral some one should
act as usher to seat the friends who attend.
THE HOUSE OF MOURNING.
Upon entering the house of mourning, a gentleman
should always remove his hat in the hall, and not re-
place it until he is about to depart. No calls of condo-
lence should be made upon the bereaved family while
the dead remains in the house, and members of the
family may be excused from receiving any but their
most intimate friends at that time.
There should be no loud talking or confusion while
the body remains in the house. All differences and
quarrels must be forgotten in the house of mourning,
and personal enemies who meet at a funeral must treat
each other with respect and dignity. The bell knob or
door handle is draped with black crape, with a black
ribbon tied on, if the deceased is married or advanced
in years, and with a white ribbon, if young or unmar-
ried.
THE FUNERAL SERVICES.
If the services are held at the house, some near friend
or relative will receive the guests. The immediate
members of the family and near relatives should take a
FUNERALS. 299
final view of the corpse just before the arrival of the
guests, and should not make their appearance again
until the services are about to commence. It is becom-
ing customary now to reserve a room of the house ad-
joining that in which the services are held, for the ex-
clusive use of the near relatives and members of the
family during the services. Then the clergyman takes
his position at the door between the two rooms while
conducting the services. As guests arrive, they are
requested to take a last look at the corpse before seating
themselves, and upon the conclusion of the services the
coffin lid is closed, and the remains are borne to the
hearse. The custom of opening the coffin at the church
to allow all who attend to take a final look at the corpse,
is rapidly coming into disfavor. The friends who desire
it are requested to view the corpse at the house, before
it is taken to the church.
If, however, the deceased is a person of great promi-
nence in the community, and the house is not able to
accommodate the large numbers who desire to take a
last look at the face of the deceased, then, perhaps, it
may be well that the coffin should be opened at the
church.
THE PALL-BEARERS.
The pall-bearers, usually six, but sometimes eight,
when the deceased is a person of considerable promi-
nence, are generally chosen from the intimate acquaint-
ances of the deceased, and of nearly the same age. If
they walk to the cemetery, they take their position in
300 FUNERALS.
equal nmrabers on either side of the hearse. If they ride,
their carriage or carriages precede the hearse.
OBDEB OF THE PBOCESSION.
The carriages containing the clergyman and pall-
bearers precede the hearse, immediately following which
are the carriages of the nearest relatives, more distant
relatives and friends respectively. When societies or
masonic bodies take part in the procession they precede
the hearse.
The horse of a deceased mounted military officer,
fully equipped and draped in mourning, will be led
immediately after the hearse. As the mourners pass
out to enter the carriage, the guests stand with uncov-
ered heads. No salutations are given or received. The
person who officiates as master of ceremonies, assists
the mourners to enter and alight from the carriages.
At the cemetery the clergyman or priest walks in ad-
vance of the coffin. In towns and villages where the
cemetery is near at hand and the procession goes on
foot, the men should go with uncovered heads, if the
weather permit, the hat being held in the right hand.
Guests return to their respective homes after the services
at the grave.
FLOBAL DECOBATION8.
The usual decorations of the coffin are flowers, taste-
fully arranged in a beautiful wreath for a child or young
person, and a cross for a married person, which are
placed upon the coffin. These flowers should mostly be
white. Near friends of the deceased may send beauti-
FUNEKALS. 301
f ul floral devices, if they wish, as a mark of their esteem
for the deceased, which should be sent in time to be
used for decorative purposes.
OTHER DECORATIONS.
A person of rank generally bears some insignia upon
his coffin. Thus a deceased army or naval officer will
have his coffin covered with the national flag, and his
hat, epaulettes, sword and sash laid upon the lid. The
regalia of a deceased officer of the Masonic or Odd Fel-
lows' fraternity is often placed upon the coffin.
CALLS UPON THE BEREAVED FAMILY.
About a week after the funeral, friends call upon the
bereaved family, and acquaintances call within a month.
The calls of the latter are not repeated until cards of
acknowledgment have been received by the family, the
leaving of which announces that they are ready- to see
their friends. It is the custom for friends to wear no
bright colors when making their calls of condolence.
In making first calls of condolence, none but most inti-
mate friends ask to see the family. Short notes of con-
dolence, expressing the deepest sympathy, are usually
accepted, and help to comfort stricken hearts. Formal
notes of condolence are no longer sent. Those who
have known anything of the unsounded depths of sor-
row do not attempt consolation. All that they attempt
to do is to find words wherein to express their deep sym-
pathy with the grief-stricken ones.
302
FUNERALS.
SECLUSION OF THE BEREAVED FAMILY.
No member of the immediate family of the deceased
will leave the house between the time of the death and
the funeral. A lady friend will be commissioned to
make all necessary purchases, engage seamstresses, etc.
It is not desirable to enshroud ourselves in gloom after
a bereavement, however great it may be, and v conser
quently no prescribed period of seclusion can be given.
Real grief needs no appointed time for seclusion. It is
the duty of every one to interest himself or herself in
accustomed objects of care as soon as it is possible to
make the exertion; for, in fulfilling our duties to the
living, we best show the strength of our affection for
the dead, as well as our submission to the will of Him
who knows what is better for our dear ones than we can
know or dream.
CHAPTER XXVII.
ERTAIN local rules have been recog-
nized in society at Washington, from
the fact that a gentleman's social
position is acquired by virtue of cer-
tain offices which he holds, and the
social status of woman is also deter-
mined by the official rank of her
husband.
THE PRESIDENT.
As the President of the United States
holds the highest official rank in political life,
so is he also by virtue of that office, awarded
precedence in social life. There is no neces-
sity of special formalities to form his acquaintance, and
he receives calls without being under any obligation to
return them. He may be addressed either as "Mr.
President," or " Your Excellency." Sometimes he gives
up the morning hours to receiving calls, and at such
times precedence is given to such people as have busi-
ness with him, over parties who go to make a formal
call. In either case, the caller is shown to the room
occupied by the President's secretaries, presents his
card and waits his turn to be admitted. If the caller
(303)
304: WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE.
has no business, but goes out of curiosity, he pays his
respects and withdraws to make room for others. It is
better in making a private call, to secure the company
of some official or some friend of the President to
introduce you.
BECEPTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Stated receptions are given at the White House by
the President during sessions of congress, and all are at
liberty to attend them. Sometimes these are morning,
and sometimes evening, receptions. Upon entering the
reception room, the caller gives his name to the usher,
who announces it, and upon approaching the President
is introduced, by some official to whom the duty is
assigned, both to the President and to the members of
his family who receive with him. The callers pass on,
after being introduced, mingle in social intercourse and
view the various rooms until ready to depart. If a
caller wishes he may leave his card.
The same rules of etiquette prevail at state dinners
given by the President as at any formal dinner, prece-
dence being given to guests according to official^ rank
and dignity. An invitation by the President must be
accepted, and it is admissible to break any other engage-
ment already made; however, it is necessary to explain
the cause, in order to avoid giving offense. It is not
regarded as discourteous to break an engagement for
this reason.
The wife of the President is not under obligation to
return calls, though she may visit those whom she
WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 305
wishes to favor with such attentions. Other members
of the President's family may receive and return calls.
NEW-YEAR'S RECEPTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
As the New- Year's receptions at the White House
are the most ceremonious occasions of the executive
mansion, it is the custom of the ladies who attend them
to appear in the most elegant toilets suited to a morning
reception. Members of foreign legations appear in the
court dresses of their respective countries on this occa-
sion, in paying their respects to the President of the
United States.
ORDER OF OFFICIAL RANK.
Next in rank to the President come the Chief Justice,
the Vice-President and the Speaker of the House of
Representatives. These receive first visits from all
others. The General of the army and the Admiral of
the navy come next in the order of official rank. Mem-
bers of the House of Representatives call first on all
the officials named. The wife of any official is entitled
to the same social precedence as her husband. Among
officers of the army and navy, the Lieutenant-General
corresponds to the Vice- Admiral, the Major-General to
Rear- Admiral, Brigadier-General to Commodore, Colo-
nel to Captain in the navy, and so on through the lower
grades.
THE CABINET OFFICERS.
The officers of the cabinet, comprising the Secreta-
ries of State, the Treasury, the War, the Navy, the
306 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE.
Postmaster-General, the Secretary of the Interior and
Attorney-General, expect to receive calls, aud as all the
officers are of the same rank and dignity, it is only on
occasions of State ceremonies that an order of prefer-
ence is observed, which is as above given. The wives
of the cabinet officers, or the ladies of their household,
have onerous social duties to perform. They hold recep-
tions every Wednesday during the season, which lasts
from the first oi' January to Lent, when their houses are
open to all who choose to favor them with a call, and on
these occasions refreshments are served. The ladies' of
the family are expected to return these calls, at which
time they leave the card of the cabinet officer, and an
invitation to an evening reception. The cabinet officers
are expected to entertain Senators, Representatives, Jus-
tices of the Supreme Court, members of the diplomatic
corps and distinguished visitors at Washington, as well
as the ladies of their respective families. The visiting
hours at the capital are usually from two until half-past
five. The labor and fatigue which social duties require
of the ladies of the family of a cabinet officer are fairly
appalling. To stand for hours during receptions at her
own house, to stand at a series of entertainments at the
houses of others, whose invitation courtesy requires
should be accepted, and to return in person calls made
upon her, are a few of the duties of the wife of a cabinet
officer.
HOW TO ADDRESS THE OFFICIALS.
When writing to the different officials, the President
is addressed "His Excellency, the President of the
WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 307
United States;" the members of the cabinet "The
Honorable, the Secretary of State," etc., giving each his
proper title; the Vice-President, "The Honorable, the
Vice-President of the United States." In a ceremon-
ious note, words must not be abbreviated. In conver-
sation the Speaker of the House of Representatives is
addressed as "Mr. Speaker;" a member of the cabinet
as "Mr. Secretary;" a senator as "Mr. Senator;" a
member of the House of Representatives as " Mister,"
unless he has some other title; but he is introduced as
" The Honorable Mr. Burrows, of Michigan." The cus-
tom is becoming prevalent of addressing the wives of
officials with the prefixed titles of their husbands, as
"Mrs. General Sherman," "Mrs. Senator Thurman,"
" Mrs. Secretary Evarts."
THE FIRST TO VISIT.
The custom of first visits or calls at the capital is that
residents shall make the first call on strangers, and
among the latter those arriving first upon those coming
later. "Foreign ministers, however, in order to make
themselves known, call first upon the members of the
cabinet, which is returned.
SENATORS AND REPRESENTATIVES.
It is entirely optional with Senators, Representatives
and all other officials except the President and members
of his cabinet, whether they entertain. They act upon
their own pleasure in the matter.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
gitles.
this country, where everybody pos-
sesses one and the same title, that of
a citizen of this Republic, no one can
claim a superiority of rank and title.
Not so in European countries, where
the right of birth entitles a person to
honor, rank and title. And as our
citizens are constantly visiting foreign
countries, it is well to understand some-
thing of titles and ranks and their order
of precedence.
ROYALTY.
In England, the king and queen are placed
at the top of the social structure. The mode by which
they are addressed is in the form "Your Majesty."
The Prince of Wales, the heir-apparent to the throne,
stands second in dignity. The other children are all
known during their minority as princes and princesses.
The eldest princess is called the crown princess. Upon
their majority the younger sons have the title of duke
$08)
FOREIGN TITLES. 309
bestowed upon them, and the daughters retain that of
princesses, adding to it the title of their husbands.
They are all designated as "Their Royal Highnesses."
/
THE NOBILITY.
A duke who inherits the title from his father, stands
one grade below a royal duke. The wife of a duke is
known as a duchess. They are both addressed as
" Your Grace. The eldest son is a marquis until he in-
herits the higher title of his father. His wife is a
marchioness. The younger sons are lords by courtesy,
and the daughters are distinguished by having " Lady "
prefixed to their Christian names. Earls and barons are
both spoken of as lords and their wives as ladies, though
the latter are by right respectively countesses and
baronesses. The daughters of the former are " ladies,"
the younger sons of both " honorables." The earl
occupies the higher position of the two in the peerage.
These complete the list of nobility, unless we include
bishops, who are lords in right of their ecclesiastical
office, but whose title is not hereditary.
All these are entitled to seats in the upper House of
Parliament.
, THE GENTRY.
Baronets are known as " Sirs," and their wives receive
the title of "Lady;" but they are only commoners of a
higher degree, though there are families who have borne
their title for many successive generations who would
not exchange it for a recently created peerage.
310 FOREIGN TITLES.
A clergyman, by right of his calling, stands on an
equality with all commoners, a bishop with all peers.
ESQUIRE.
The title of Esquire, which is only an empty compli-
ment in this country, has special significance in Eng-
land. The following in that country have a legal right
to the title:
The sons of peers, whether known in common conver-
sation as lords or honorables.
The eldest sons of peers' sons, and their eldest sons in
perpetual succession.
All the sons of baronets.
All esquires of the Knights of the Bath.
Lords of manors, chiefs of clans and other tenants of
the crown in capite are esquires by prescription.
Esquires created to that rank by patent, and their
eldest sons in perpetual succession.
Esquires by office, such as justices of the peace while
on the roll, mayors of towns during mayoralty, and
sheriffs of counties (who retain the title for life).
Members of the House of Commons.
Barristers-at-laWo
Bachelors of divinity, law and physic.
All who in commissions signed by the sovereign, are
ever styled esquires retain that designation for life=
IMPERIAL RANK.
Emperors and empresses rank higher than kings. The
sons and daughters of the emperor of Austria are called
FOREIGN, TITLES. 311
archdukes and archduchesses, the names being handed
down from the time when the ruler of that country
claimed for himself no higher title than that of arch-
duke. The emperor of Russia is known as the czar, the
name being identical with the Roman csesar and the
German kaiser. The heir-apparent to the Russian
throne is the czarowitch.
EUROPEAN TITLES.
Titles in continental Eui*ope are so common and so
frequently unsustained by landed and moneyed interests,
that they have not that significance which they hold in
England. A count may be a penniless scamp, depending
upon the gambling-table for a precarious subsistence,
and looking out for the chance of making a wealthy
marriage.
A German baron may be a good, substantial, unpre-
tending man, something after the manner of an Ameri-
can farmer. A German prince or duke, since the absorp-
tion of the smaller principalities of Germany by Prussia,
may have nothing left him but a barren title and a
meagre rent-roll. The Italian prince is even of less
account than the German one, since his rent-roll is too
frequently lacking altogether, and his only inheritance
may be a grand but decayed palace, without means
sufficient to keep it in repair or furnish it properly,
PRESENTATION AT THE COURT OF ST JAMES.
It is frequently a satisfaction to an American to be
presented to the Queen during a sojourn in England, and
312 FOREIGN TITLES.
as the Queen is really an excellent woman, worthy of all
honor, not only can there be no valid cause for objec-
tion to such presentation, but it may well be looked
upon as an honor to be sought for.
THOSE ELIGIBLE TO PRESENTATION AT COURT.
The nobility, with their wives and daughters, are eli-
gible to presentation at court, unless there be some grave
moral objection, in which case, as it has ever been the
aim of the good and virtuous Queen to maintain a high
standard of morality within her court, the objectionable
parties are rigidly excluded. The clergy, naval and
military officers, physicians and barristers and the
squirearchy, with their wives and daughters, have also
the right to pay their personal respects to their queen.
Those of more democratic professions, such as solici-
tors, merchants and mechanics, have not, as a rule, that
right, though wealth and connection have recently
proven an open sesame at the gates of St. James. Any
person who has been presented at court may present a
friend in his or her turn. A person wishing to be pre-
sented, must beg the favor from the friend or relative
of the highest rank he or she may possess.
PRELIMINARIES TO PRESENTATION.
Any nobleman or gentleman who proposes to be pre-
sented to the queen, must leave at the lord chamberlain's
office before twelve o'clock, two days before the levee,
a card with his name written thereon, and with the
name of the nobleman or gentleman by whom he is to
FOREIGN TITLES. 313
be presented. In order to carry out the existing regu-
lation that no presentation can be made at a levee except
by a person actually attending that levee, it is also nec-
essary that a letter from the nobleman or gentleman
who is to make the presentation, stating it to be his in-
tention to be present, should accompany the presenta-
tion card above referred to, which will be submitted to
the queen for Her Majesty's approbation. These regu-
lations of the lord chamberlain must be implicitly
obeyed.
Directions at what gate to enter and where the car-
riages are to stop are always printed in the newspapers.
These directions apply with equal force to ladies and to
gentlemen.
The person to be presented must provide himself or
herself with a court costume, which for men consists
partly of knee-breeches and hose, for women of an
ample court train. These costumes are indispensable,
and can be hired for the occasion.
THE PRESENTATION.
It is desirable to be early to escape the crowd. When
the lady leaves her carriage, she must leave everything
in the shape of a cloak or scarf behind her. Her train
must be carefully folded over her left arm as she enters
the long gallery of St. James, where she waits her turn
for presentation.
The lady is at length ushered into the presence-
chamber, which is entered by two doors. She goes in
at the one indicated to her, dropping her train as she
314 FOREIGN TITLES.
passes the threshold, which train is instantly spread out
by the wands of the lords-in-waiting.. The lady then
walks forward towards the sovereign or the person who
represents the sovereign. The card on which her name
is inscribed is then handed to another lord-in-waiting,
who reads the name aloud. When she arrives just
before His or Her Majesty, she should courtesy as low
as possible, so as to almost kneel.
If the lady presented be a peeress or a peer's daugh-
ter, the queen kisses her on the forehead. If only a
commoner, then the queen extends her hand to be kissed
by the lady presented, who, having done so, rises, cour-
tesies to each of the other members of the royal family
present, and then passes on. She must keep her face
turned toward the sovereign as she passes to and through
the door leading from the presence-chamber.
CHAPTER XXIX.
thetic.
the chapter on " Our Manners," we
have spoken of the importance of
civility and politeness as a means of
success to the business and profes-
sional man. It is in the ordinary
walks of life, in the most trivial
affairs that a man's real charater is
shown, and consequently every man,
whatever may be his calling, will do well
to give due attention to those trivial
affairs which, in his daily association
with men of the world, will give him a repu-
tation of being cold, austere, and unapproach-
able, or warm-hearted, genial, and sympa-
FORM GOOD HABITS.
It is important for the young man learning business,
or just getting a start in business, to form correct habits,
and especially of forming the habit of being polite to
all with whom he has business relations, showing the
(315)
316 BUSINESS.
same courteous treatment to men or women, poorly or
plainly dressed, as though they were attired in the most
costly of garments. A man who forms habits of polite-
ness and gentlemanly treatment of everybody in early
life, has acquired the good-will of all with whom he has
ever been brought into social or business relations. He
should also guard against such habits as profanity, the
use of tobacco and intoxicating liquors, if he would gain
and retain the respect of the best portion of the com-
munity, and should, if possible, cultivate the habit of
being cheerful at all times and in all places.
KEEP YOUR TEMPER.
In discussing business matters, never lose your tem-
per, even though your opponent in a controversy should
become angry, and in the heat of discussion make rude
and disagreeable remarks and charges. By a calm and
dignified bearing and courteous treatment you will con-
quer his rudeness.
HONESTY THE BEST POLICY.
" Honesty is the best policy," is a maxim which mer-
chants and tradesmen will find as true as it is trite, and
no tradesman who wishes to retain his customers and
his reputation will knowingly misrepresent the quality
of his goods. It is not good policy for a merchant or
clerk, in selling goods, to tell the customer what they
cost, as, in a majority of cases, he will not be believed.
BUSINESS. 317
THE EXAMPLE OF A MERCHANT PRINCE.
The value of politeness to a merchant is nowhere more
clearly shown than in the case of the late A. T. Stewart,
the merchant prince of New York. He not only treated
every customer he waited upon with the utmost cour-
tesy, but he demanded it of every employe, and sought
for men possessing every quality of character tending
to secure this suavity of manner, in the selection of his
salesmen and clerks. He required them to observe rig-
idly all rules and forms of politeness, and would allow
no partiality shown to people on account of their dress,
those clad in humble apparel being treated with the same
affability and politeness as those richly dressed. Every-
body who entered his store was sure of receiving kind
and courteous treatment. This may, or may not, have
been his secret of success, but it certainly gained and
retained for him a large custom, and was one element
in his character which can be highly commended. And
every merchant will be judged of by his customers in
proportion to the courteous treatment they receive from
him, or from clerks in his store. The lawyer or the
doctor will also acquire popularity and patronage as he
exhibits courteous and kind treatment to all with whom
he comes into social or business relations.
BREAKING AN APPOINTMENT.
Do not break an appointment with a business man, if
possible to avoid it, for if you do, the party with whom
you made it may have reason to think that you are not
318 BUSINESS.
a man of your word, and it may also cause him great
annoyance, and loss of time. If, however, it becomes
absolutely necessary to do so, you should inform him
beforehand, either by a note or by a special messenger,
giving reasons for its non-fulfillment.
PROMPTLY MEETING NOTES AND DRAFTS.
Every business man knows the importance of meet-
ing promptly his notes and drafts, for to neglect it is
disastrous to his reputation as a prompt business man.
He should consider, also, apart from this, that he is
under a moral obligation to meet these payments
promptly when due. If circumstances which you can-
not control prevent this, write at once to your creditor,
stating plainly and frankly the reason why you are
unable to pay him, and when you will be able. He
will accommodate you if he has reason to believe your
statements.
PROMPT PAYMENT OP BILLS.
If a bill is presented to you for payment, you should,
if it is correct, pay it as promptly as though it were a
note at the bank already due. The party who presents
the bill may be in need of money, and should receive
what is his due when he demands it. On the other
hand, do not treat a man who calls upon you to pay a
bill, or to whom you send to collect a bill, as though
you were under no obligation to him. 'While you have
a right to expect him to pay it, still its prompt pay-
ment may have so inconvenienced him as to deserve
your thanks.
BUSINESS. 319
GENERAL RULES.
If you chance to see a merchant's books or papers
left open before you, it is not good manners to look
over them, to ascertain their contents.
If you write a letter asking for information, you
should always enclose an envelope, addressed and
stamped for the answer.
Courtesy demands that you reply to all letters imme-
diately.
If you are in a company of men where two or more
are talking over business matters, do not listen to the
conversation which it was not intended you should hear.
In calling upon a man during business hours, trans-
act your business rapidly and make your call as short as
is consistent with the matters on hand. As a rule, men
have but little time to visit during business hours.
If an employer has occasion to reprove any of his
clerks or employes, he will find that by speaking
kindly he will accomplish the desired object much bet-
ter than by harsher means.
In paying out a large sum of money, insist that the
person to whom it is paid shall count it in your pres-
ence, and on the other hand, never receive a sum of
money without counting it in the presence of the party
who pays it to you. In this way mistakes may be
avoided.
CHAPTER XXX.
O dress well requires good taste, good
sense and refinement. A woman of
good sense will neither make dress
her first nor her last object in life.
No sensible wife will betray that
total indifference for her husband
which is implied in the neglect of
her appearance, and she will remember
that to dress consistently and tastefully is
one of the duties which she owes to
society. Every lady, however insignifi-
cant her social position may appear to her-
self, must exercise a certain influence on the
feelings and opinions of others. An attentioi
to dress is useful as retaining, in the minds of sensible
men, that pride in a wife's appearance, which is so
agreeable to her, as well as that due influence which
cannot be obtained without it. But a love of dress has
its perils for weak minds. Uncontrolled by good sense,
and stimulated by personal vanity it becomes a temp-
tation at first, and then a curse. When it is indulged
(320)
DEE88. 321
in to the detriment of better enployments, and beyond
the compass of means, it cannot be too severely con-
demned. It then becomes criminal.
CONSISTENCY IN DRESS.
Consistency in regard to station and fortune is the
first matter to be considered. A woman of good sense
will not wish to expend in unnecessary extravagances
money wrung from an anxious, laborious husband; or
if her husband be a man of fortune, she will not, even
then, encroach upon her allowance. In the early years
of married life, when the income is moderate, it should
be the pride of a woman to see how little she can spend
upon her dress, and yet present that tasteful and credit-
able appearance which is desirable. Much depends
upon management, and upon the care taken of gar-
ments. She should turn everything to account, and be
careful of her clothing when wearing it.
EXTRAVAGANCE IN DRESS.
Dress, to be in perfect taste, need not be costly. It
is unfortunate that in the United States, too much
attention is paid to dress by those who have neither the
excuse of ample means nor of social culture. The wife
of a poorly paid clerk, or of a young man just starting
in business, aims at dressing as stylishly as does the
wealthiest among her acquaintances. The sewing girl,
the shop girl, the chambermaid, and even the cook,
must have their elegantly trimmed silk dresses and
velvet cloaks for Sunday and holiday wear, and the
21
322 DRESS.
injury done by this state of things to the morals and
manners of the poorer classes is incalculable.
As fashions are constantly changing, those who do-
not adopt the extremes, as there are so many of the pre-
vailing modes at present, can find something to suit
every form and face.
INDIFFERENCE TO DRESS.
Indifference and inattention to dress is a defect of
character rather than virtue, and often denotes indolence
and slovenliness. Every woman should aim to make
herself look as well as possible with the means at her
command. Among the rich, a fondness for dress pro-
motes exertion and activity of the mental powers, culti-
vates a correct taste and fosters industry and ingenuity
among those who seek to procure for them the material
and designs for dress. Among the middle classes it
encourages diligence, contrivance, planning and deftness
of handiwork, and among the poorer classes it promotes
industry and economy. A fondness for dress, when it
does not degenerate into vain show, has an elevating and
refining influence on society.
APPROPRIATE DRESS.
To dress appropriately is another important matter to
be considered. Due regard must be paid to the physi-
cal appearance of the person, and the dress must be
made to harmonize throughout. An appropriate dress
is that which so harmonizes with the figure as to make
the apparel unnoticeable. Thin ladies can wear delicate
DBESS. 323
colors, while stout persons look best in black or dark
grey. For young and old the question of appropriate
color must be determined by the figure and complexion.
Rich colors harmonize with brunette complexions or
dark hair, and delicate colors with persons of light hair
and blonde complexions.
GLOVES.
Gloves are worn by gentlemen as well as ladies in
the street, at an evening party, at the opera or theatre,
at receptions, at church, when paying a call, riding or
driving; but not in the country or at dinner. White
should be worn at balls; the palest colors at evening
parties and neutral shades at church.
EVENING DRESS FOB GENTLEMEN.
The evening or full dress for gentlemen is a black
dress-suit a " swallow-tail " coat, the vest cut low, the
cravat white, and kid gloves of the palest hue or white.
The shirt front should be white and plain; the studs
and cuff -buttons simple. Especial attention should be
given to the hair, which should be neither short nor
long. It is better to err upon the too short side, as too
long hair savors of affectation, destroys the shape of the
physiognomy, and has a touch of vulgarity about it.
Evening dress is the same for a large dinner party, a
ball or an opera. In some circles, however, evening
dress is considered an affectation, and it is as well to do
as othei's do. On Sunday, morning dress is worn^ and
on that day of the week no gentleman is expected to
324 DEE88.
appear in evening dress, either at church, at home or
away from home. Gloves are dispensed with at dinner
parties, and pale colors are preferred to white for even-
ing wear.
MORNING DEESS FOB GENTLEMEN.
The morning dress for gentlemen is a black frock-
coat, or a black cut-away, white or black vest, according
to the season, gray or colored pants, plaid or stripes,
according to the fashion, a high silk (stove-pipe) hat,
and a black scarf or necktie. A black frock coat with
black pants is not considered a good combination, nor
is a dress coat and colored or light pants. The morning
dress is suitable for garden parties, Sundays, social teas,
informal calls, morning calls and receptions.
It will be seen that morning and evening dress for
gentlemen varies as much as it does for ladies. It is
decidedly out of place for a gentleman to wear a dress
coat and white tie in the day-time, and when evening
dress is desired on ceremonious occasions, the shutters
should be closed and the gas or lamps lighted. The
true evening costume or full dress suit, accepted as such
throughout the world, has firmly established itself in
this country; yet there is still a considerable amount of
ignorance displayed as to the occasions when it should
be worn, and it is not uncommon for the average Amer-
ican, even high officials and dignified people, to wear
the full evening costume at a morning reception or some
midday ceremony. A dress coat at a morning or after-
noon reception or luncheon, is entirely out of place,
DRESS. 325
while the frock-coat or cut-away and gray pants, make
a becoming costume for such an occasion.
JEWELRY FOR GENTLEMEN.
It is not considered in good taste for men to wear
much jewelry. They may with propriety wear one gold
ring, studs and cuff-buttons, and a watch chain, not too
massive, with a modest pendant, or none at all. Any-
thing more looks like a superabundance of ornament.
EVENING DRESS FOR LADIES.
Evening dress for ladies may be as rich, elegant and
gay as one chooses to make it. It is everywhere the
custom to wear full evening dress in brilliant evening
assemblages. It may be cut either high or low at the
neck, yet no lady should wear her dress so low as to
make it quite noticeable or a special subject of remark.
Evening dress is what is comonly known as " full dress,"
and will serve for a large evening party, ball or dinner.
No directions will be laid down with reference to it, as
fashion devises how it is to be made and what material
used.
BALL DRESS.
Ball dressing requires less art than the nice gradations
of costume in the dinner dress, and the dress for evening
parties. For a ball, everything should be light and
diaphanous, somewhat fanciful and airy. The heavy,
richly trimmed silk is only appropriate to those who do
not dance. The richest velvets, the brightest and most
delicate tints in silk, the most expensive laces, elaborate
326 DRESS.
coiffures, a large display of diamonds, artificial flowers
for the head-dress and natural flowers for hand bouquets,
all belong, more or less, to the costume for a large ball.
THE FULL DINNER DRESS.
The full dinner dress for guests admits of great splen-
dor. It may be of any thick texture of silk or velvet
for winter, or light rich goods for summer, and should
be long and sweeping. Every trifle in a lady's costume
should be, as far as she can afford it, faultless. The
fan should be perfect in its way, and the gloves should
be quite fresh. Diamonds are used in broaches, pend-
ants, ear-rings and bracelets. If artificial flowers are
worn in the hair, they should be of the choicest descrip-
tion. All the light neutral tints, and black, dark blue,
purple, dark green, garnet, brown and fawn are suited
for dinner wear.
DRESS OP HOSTESS AT A DINNER PARTY.
The dress of a hostess at a dinner party should be
rich in material, but subdued in tone, so as not to
eclipse any of her guests. A young hostess should wear
a dress of rich silk, black or dark in color, with collar
and cuffs of fine lace, and if the dinner be by daylight,
plain jewelry, but by gaslight diamonds.
SHOWY DRESS.
The glaring colors and " loud " costumes, once so com-
mon, have given place to sober grays, and browns and
DBESS. 327
olives; black predominating over all. The light, show-
ily-trimmed dresses, which were once displayed in the
streets and fashionable promenades, are now only worn
in carriages. This display of showy dress and glaring
colors is generally confined to those who love ostenta-
tion more than comfort.
DEESS FOE EECEIVING CALLS.
If a lady has a special day for the reception of calls,
her dress must be of silk, or other goods suitable to the
season, or to her position, but must be of quiet colors
and plainly worn. Lace collars and cuffs should be
worn with this dress, and a certain amount of jewelry is
also admissible. A lady whose mornings are devoted to
the superintendence of her domestic affairs, may receive
a casual caller in her ordinary morning dress, which
must be neat, yet plain, with white plain linen collars
and cuffs. For New Year's, or other calls of special sig-
nificance, the dress should be rich, and may be elabo-
rately trimmed. If the parlors are closed and the gas
lighted, full evening dress is required.
CAEEIAGE DEESS.
The material for a dress for a drive through the pub-
lic streets of a city, or along a fashionable drive or park,
cannot be too rich. Silks, velvets and laces, are all
appropriate, with rich jewelry and costly furs in cold
weather. If the fashion require it, the carriage dress
may be long enough to trail, or it may be of the length
of a walking dress, which many prefer. For driving in
328 DBESS.
the country, a different style of dress is required, as the
dust and mud would soil rich material.
VISITING COSTUMES.
Visiting costumes, or those worn at a funeral or in-
formal calls, are of richer material than walking suits.
The bonnet is either simple or rich, according to the
taste of the wearer. A jacket of velvet, or shawl, or
fur-trimmed mantle are the concomitants of the carriage
dress for winter. In summer all should be bright, cool,
agreeable to wear and pleasant to look at.
DBESS FOR MORNING CALLS.
Morning calls may be made either in walking or car-
riage dress, provided the latter is justified by the pres-
ence of the carriage. The dress should be of silk; col-
lar and cuffs of the finest lace; light gloves; a full dress,
bonnet and jewelry of gold, either dead, burnished or
enameled, or of cameo or coral. Diamonds are not
usually worn in daylight. A dress of black or neutral
tint, in which light colors are introduced only in
small quantities, is the most appropriate for a morning
call
MORNING DRESS FOB STREET.
The morning dress for the street should be quiet in
color, plainly made and of serviceable material. It
should be short enough to clear the ground without
collecting mud and garbage. Lisle-thread gloves in
midsummer, thick gloves in midwinter, are more com-
DRESS. 329
fortable for street wear than kid ones. Linen collar*
and cuffs are most suitable for morning street dress.
The bonnet and hat should be quiet and inexpressive,,
matching the dress as nearly as possible. In stormy
weather a large waterproof with hood is more convenient
and less troublesome than an umbrella. The morning
dress for visiting or breakfasting in public may be, in
winter, of woolen goods, simply made and quietly
trimmed, and in summer, of cambric, pique, marseilles
or other wash goods, either white or figured. For
morning wear at home the dress may be still simpler.
The hair should be plainly arranged without ornament.
THE PROMENADE DRESS.
The dress for the promenade should be in perfect
harmony with itself. All the colors worn should har-
monize if they are not strictly identical. The bonnet
should not be of one color, and parasol of another, the
dress of a third and the gloves of a fourth. Nor should
one article be new and another shabby. The collars
and cuffs should be of lace; the kid gloves should be
selected to harmonize with the color of the dress, a per-
fect fit. The jewelry worn should be bracelets, cuff-
buttons, plain gold ear-rings, a watch chain and brooch.
OPERA DRESS.
Opera dress for matinees may be as elegant as for
morning calls. A bonnet is always worn even by those
who occupy boxes, but it may be as dressy as one
chooses to make it. In the evening, ladies are at liberty
330' DRESS.
to wear evening dresses, with ornaments in their hair,
instead of a bonnet, and as the effect of light colors is
much better than dark in a well-lighted opera house,
they should predominate.
THE BIDING DRESS.
A lady's riding habit should fit perfectly without
being tight. The skirt must be full, and long enongh
to cover the feet, but not of extreme length. The boots
must be stout and the gloves gauntleted. Broadcloth is
regarded as the more dressy cloth, though waterproof
is the more serviceable. Something lighter may be
worn for summer, and in the lighter costumes a row of
shot must be stitched at the bottom of the breadths of
the left side to prevent the skirts from being blown by
the wind. The riding dress is made to fit the waist
closely, and button nearly to the throat. Above a small
collar or reverse of the waist is shown a plain linen
collar, fastened at the throat with a bright or black
necktie. Coat sleeves should come to the wrist with
linen cuffs beneath them. No lace or embroidery is
allowable in a riding costume. It is well to have the
waist attached to a skirt of the usual length, and the
long skirt fastened over it, so that if any accident occurs
obliging the lady to dismount, she may easily remove
the long overskirt and still be properly dressed.
The hair should be put up compactly, and no veil
hould be allowed to stream in the wind. The shape of
the hat will vary with the fashion, but it should always
ibe plainly trimmed, and if feathers are worn they must
DRESS. 331
be fastened so that the wind cannot blow them over the
wearer's eyes.
A WALKING SUIT.
The material for a walking suit may e either rich or
plain to suit the taste and means of the weaier. It
should always be well made and never appear shabby.
Bright colors appear best only as trimmings. Black has
generally been adopted for street dresses as the most
becoming. For the country, walking dresses are made
tasteful, solid and strong, more for service than display,
and what would be'perfectly appropriate for the streets
of a city would be entirely out of place on the muddy,
unpaved walks of a small town or in a country neigh-
borhood. The walking or promenade dress is always
made short enough to clear the ground. Thick boots
are worn with the walking suit.
DRESS FOR LADIES OF BUSINESS.
For women who are engaged in some daily employ-
ment such as teachers, saleswomen and those who are
occupied in literature, art or business of some sort, the
dress should be somewhat different from the ordinary
walking costume. Its material should be more service-
able, better fitted to endure the vicissitudes of the
weather, and of quiet colors, such as brown or gray,
and not easily soiled. While the costume should not be
of the simplest nature, it should dispense with all super-
fluities in the way of trimming. It should be made with
special reference to a free use of the arms, and to easy
locomotion. Linen cuffs and collars are best suited tc
332 DRESS.
this kind of dress, gloves which can be easily removed,
street walking boots, and for jewelry, plain cuff-buttons,
brooch and watch chain. The hat or bonnet should be
neat and tasty, with but few flowers or feathers. For
winter wear, waterproof, tastefully made up, is the best
material for a business woman's outer garment.
ORDINARY EVENING DRESS.
The ordinary evening house dress should be tasteful
and becoming, with a certain amount of ornament, and
worn with jewelry. Silks are the most appropriate for
this dress, but all the heavy woolen dress fabrics for
winter, and the lighter lawns and organdies for summer,
elegantly made, are suitable. For winter, the colors
should be rich and warm, and knots of bright ribbon of
a becoming color, should be worn at the throat and in
the hair. The latter should be plainly dressed. Arti-
ficial flowers and diamonds are out of place. This is
both a suitable dress in which to receive or make a cas-
ual evening call. If a hood is worn, it must be removed
during the call. Otherwise a full dress bonnet must be
worn.
DRESS FOR SOCIAL PARTY.
For the social evening party, more latitude is allowed
in the choice of colors, material, trimmings, etc., than
for the ordinary evening dress. Dresses should cover
the arms and shoulder; but if cut low in the neck, and
with short sleeves, puffed illusion waists or some similar
device should be employed to cover the neck and arms.
DRESS. 333
Gloves may or may not be worn, but if they are they
should be of some light color.
DRESS FOR CHURCH.
The dress for church should be plain, of dark, quiet
colors, with no superfluous trimming or jewelry. It
should, in fact, be the plainest of promenade dresses, as
church is not the place for display of fine clothes.
THE DRESS FOR THE THEATRE.
The promenade dress with the addition of a handsome
cloak or shawl, which may be thrown aside if it is un-
comfortable, is suitable for a theatre. The dress should
be quiet and plain without any attempt at display.
Either a bonnet or hat may be worn. Gloves should be
dark, harmonizing with the dress.
DRESS FOR LECTURE AND CONCERT.
For the lecture or concert, silk is an appropriate dress,
and should be worn with lace collars and cuffs and
jewelry. A rich shawl or velvet promenade cloak, or
opera cloak for a concert is an appropriate outer gar-
ment. The latter may or may not be kept on the
shoulders during the evening. White or light kid
gloves should be worn.
CROQUET, ARCHERY AND SKATING COSTUMES. '
Croquet and archery costumes may be similar, and
they admit of more brilliancy in coloring than any of
the out-of-door costumes. They should be short, dis-
334: DRESS.
V
playing a handsomely fitting but stout boot, and should
be so arranged as to leave the arms perfectly free. The
gloves should be soft and washable. Kid is not suitable
for either occasion. The hat should have a broad brim,
so as to shield the face from the sun, and render a para-
sol unnecessary. The trimming for archery costumes is
usually of green.
An elegant skating costume may be of velvet,
trimmed with fur, with fur bordered gloves and boots.
Any of the warm, bright colored wool fabrics, however,
are suitable for the dress. If blue or green are worn,
they should be relieved with trimmings of dark furs.
Silk is not suitable for skating costume. To avoid suf-
fering from cold feet, the boot should be amply loose.
BATHING COSTUME.
Flannel is the best material for a bathing costume,
and gray is regarded as the most suitable color. It may
be trimmed with bright worsted braid. The best form
is the loose sacque, or the yoke waist, both of them to
be belted in, and falling about midway between the knee
and ankle; an oilskin cap to protect the hair from the
water, and merino socks to match the dress, complete
the costume.
TRAVELING DRESS.
Comfort and protection from dust and dirt are the
requirements of a traveling dress. When a lady is
about making an extensive journey, a traveling suit is
a great convenience, but for a short journey, a large
linen overdress or duster may be put on over the ordinary
DRESS. 33i>
dress in summer, and in winter a waterproof cloak may
be used in the same way. For traveling costumes a.
variety of materials may be used, of soft, neutral tints,,
and smooth surface which does not retain the dust.
These should be made up plainly and quite short. The
underskirts should be colored, woolen in winter and
linen in summer. The hat or bonnet must be plainly
trimmed and completely protected by a large veil.
Velvet is unfit for a traveling hat, as it catches and
retains the dust; collars and cuffs of plain linen. The-
hair should be put up in the plainest manner. A water-
proof and warm woolen shawl are indispensible, and
may be rolled in a shawl strap when not needed. A
satchel should be carried, in which may be kept a change
of collars, cuffs, gloves, handkerchiefs, toilet articles,
and towels. A traveling dress should be well supplied!
with pockets. The waterproof should have large pock-
ets, and there should be one in the underskirt in which
to carry such money and valuables as are not needed for
immediate use.
THE WEDDING DRESS. <
A full bridal costume should be white from head to
foot. The dress may be of silk, heavily corded, moire
antique, satin or plain silk, merino, alpaca, crape, lawn
or muslin. The veil may be of lace, tulle or illusion,,
but it must be long and full. It may or may not de-
scend over the face. Orange blossoms or other white
flowers and maiden blush roses should form the bridal
wreath and bouquet. The dress is high and the arms
33 G DRESS.
covered. Slippers of white satin and white kid gloves
complete the dress.
The dress of the bridegroom and ushers is given in
the chapter treating of the etiquette of weddings.
DRESS OF BRIDBMAIDS.
The dresses of .bridemaids are not so elaborate as that
of the bride. They should also be of white, but may-
be trimmed with delicately colored flowers and ribbons.
White tulle, worn over pale pink or blue silk and-caught
up with blush roses or forget-me-nots, with bouquet de
corsage and hand bouquet of the same, makes a beauti-
ful costume for the bridemaids. The latter, may or may
not, wear veils, but if they do, they should be shorter
than that of the bride.
TRAVELING DRESS OF A BRIDE.
This should be of silk, or any of the fine fabrics for
-walking dresses; should be of some neutral tint; and
T)onnet and gloves should match in color. It may be
more elaborately trimmed than an ordinary traveling
-dress, but if the bride wishes to attract as little atten-
tion as possible, she will not make herself conspicuous
by a too showy dress. In private weddings the bride is
sometimes married in traveling costume, and the bridal
pair at once set out upon their journey.
DRESS AT WEDDING RECEPTIONS.
At wedding receptions in the evening, guests should
wear full evening dress. No one should attend in black
DEE88. 337
or mourning dress, which should give place to grey or
lavender. At a morning reception of the wedded couple,
guests should wear the richest street costume with white
gloves.
MOURNING.
The people of the' United States have settled upon no
prescribed periods for the wearing of mourning gar-
ments. Some wear them long after their hearts have
ceased to mourn* Where there is profound grief, no rules
are needed, but where the sorrow is not so great, there
is need of observance of fixed periods for wearing
mourning.
Deep mourning requires the heaviest black of serge,
bombazine, lustreless alpaca, delaine, merino or similar
heavily clinging material, with collar and cuffs of crape.
Mourning garments should have little or no trimming;
no flounces, ruffles or bows are allowable. If the dress
is not made en stiite, then a long or square shawl of
barege or cashmere with crape border is worn. The
bonnet is of black crape; a hat is inadmissible. The
veil is of crape or barege with heavy border; black
gloves and black-bordered handkerchief. In winter
dark furs may be worn with the deepest mourning.
Jewelry is strictly forbidden, and all pins, buckles, etc.,
must be of jet. Lustreless alpaca and black silk trimmed
with crape may be worn in second mourning, with
white collars and cuffs. The crape veil is laid aside
for net or tulle, but the jet jewelry is still retained. A
still less degree of mourning is indicated by black and
white, purple and gray, or a combination of these colors,
22
338 DRESS.
Crape is still retained in bonnet trimming, and crape
flowers may be added. Light gray, white and black,
and light shades of lilac, indicate a slight mourning.
Black lace bonnet, with white or violet flowers, super-
cedes crape, and jet and gold jewelry is worn.
PERIODS OF WEARING MOURNING.
The following rules have been given by an authority
competent to speak on these matters regarding the de-
gree of mourning and the length of time it should be
worn:
"The deepest mourning is that worn by a widow for
her husband. It is worn two years, sometimes longer.
Widow's mourning for the first year consists of solid
black woolen goods, collar and cuffs of folded untrim-
med crape, a simple crape bonnet, and a long, thick,
black crape veil. The second year, silk trimmed with
crape, black lace collar and cuffs, and a shorter veil may
be worn, and in the last six mouths gray, violet and
white are permitted. A widow should wear the hair
perfectly plain if she does not wear a cap, and should
always wear a bonnet, never a hat.
" The mourning for a father or mother is worn for
one year. The first six months the proper dress is of
solid black woolen goods trimmed with crape, black
crape bonnet with black crape facings and black strings,
black crape veil, collar and cuffs of black crape. Three
months, black silk with crape trimming, white or black
lace collar and cuffs, veil of tulle and white bonnet-
facings; and the last three months in gray, purple and
DRESS. 339 1
violet. Mourning worn for a child is the same as that
worn for a parent.
" Mourning for a grandparent is worn f ov six months,
three months black woolen goods, white collar and cuffs,
short crape veil and bonnet of crape trimmed with black
silk or ribbon; six weeks in black silk trimmed with
crape, lace collar and cuffs, short tulle veil ; and six
weeks in gray, purple, white and violet.
" Mourning worn for a friend who leaves you an in-
heritance, is the same as that worn for a grandparent.
" Mourning for a brother or sister is worn six months,
two months in solid black trimmed with crape, white
linen collar and cuffs, bonnet of black with white facing
and black strings; two months in black silk, with white
lace collar and cuffs; and two months in gray, purple,
white and violet.
"Mourning for an uncle or aunt is worn for three
months, and is the second mourning named above, tulle,
white linen and white bonnet facings being worn at
once. For a nephew or niece, the same is worn for the
same length of time.
"The deepest mourning excludes kid gloves; they
should be of cloth, silk or thread; and no jewelry is per-
mitted during the first month of close mourning. Em-
broidery, jet trimmings, puffs, plaits in fact, trimming
of any kind is forbidden in deep mourning, but worn
when it is lightened.
"Mourning handkerchiefs should be of very sheer
fine linen, with a border of black, very wide for close
mourning, narrower as the black is lightened.
340
DRESS.
"Mourning silks should be perfectly lusterless, and
the ribbons worn without any gloss.
" Ladies invited to funeral ceremonies should always
wear a black dress, even if they are not in mourning;
and it is bad taste to appear with a gay bonnet or shawl,
as if for a festive occasion.
"The mourning for children under twelve years of
age is white in summer and gray in winter, with black
trimmings, belt, sleeve ruffles and bonnet ribbons."
CHAPTER XXXI.
in
HE selection and proper arrangement
of colors, so that they will produce
the most pleasant harmony, is one
of the most desirable requisites in
dress. Sir Joshua Reynolds says:
" Color is the last attainment of ex-
cellence in every school of painting."
The same may also be 'said in regard to
the art of using colors in dress. Never-
theless, it is the first thing to which we
should give our attention and study.
We put bright colors upon our little child-
ren; we dress our young girls in light and del-
icate shades; the blooming matron is justified
in adopting the warm, rich hues which we see in the
autumn leaf, while black and neutral tints are declared
appropriate to the old.
One color should predominate in the dress; and if an-
other is adopted, it should be in a limited quantity aad
only by way of contrast or harmony. Some colors may
never, under any circumstances, be worn together, be-
cause they produce positive discord to the eye. If the
(341)
34:2 HAKMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.
dress be blue, red should never be introduced by way of
trimming, or vice versa. Red and blue, red and yellow,
blue and yellow, and scarlet and crimson may never be
united in the same costume. If the dress be red, green
may be introduced in a minute quantity; if blue, orange;
if green, crimson. Scarlet and solf erino are deadly ene-
mies, each killing the other whenever they meet.
Two contrasting colors, such as red and green, may
not be used in equal quantities in the dress, as they
are both so positive in tone that they divide and distract
the attention. When two colors are worn in any quan-
tity, one must approach a neutral tint, such as gray or
drab. Black may be worn with any color, though it
looks best with the lighter shades of the different colors.
White may also be worn with any color, though it looks
best with the darker tones. Thus white and crimson,
black and pink, each contrast better and have a richer
effect than though the black were united with the crim-
son and the white with the pink. Drab, being a shade
of no color between black and white, may be worn with
equal effect with all.
A person of very fair, delicate complexion, should
always wear the most delicate of tints, such as light
blue, mauve and pea-green. A brunette requires bright
colors, such as scarlet and orange, to bring out the bril-
liant tints in her complexion. A florid face and auburn
hair call for blue.
Black hair has its color and depth enhanced by scar-
let, orange or white, and will bear diamonds, pearls or
lustreless gold.
HARMONY OF COLORS IN DEESS. 343
Dark brown hair will bear light blue, or dark blue in
a lesser quantity.
If the hair has no richness of coloring, a pale yellow-
ish green will by reflection produce the lacking warm
tint.
Light brown hair requires blue, which sets off to ad-
vantage the golden tint.
Pure golden or yellow hair needs blue, and its beauty
is also increased by the addition of pearls or white
flowers.
Auburn hair, if verging on the red, needs scarlet to
tone it down. If of a golden red, blue, green, purple
or black will bring out the richness of its tints.
Flaxen hair requires blue.
MATERIAL FOR DRESS.
The material for dress must be selected with reference
to the purpose which it is to serve. No one buys a yel-
low satin dress for the promenade, yet a yellow satin
seen by gaslight is beautiful, as an evening-dress.
Neither would one buy a heavy serge of neutral tint for
an opera-dress.
SIZE IN RELATION TO DRESS AND COLORS.
A small person may dress in light colors which would
be simply ridiculous on a person of larger proportions.
So a lady of majestic appearance should never wear
white, but will be seen to the best advantage in black
or dark tints. A lady of diminutive stature is dressed
in bad taste when she appears in a garment with large
344 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.
figures, plaids or stripes. Neither should a lady of large
proportions be seen in similar garments, because, united
with her size, they give her a " loud " appearance. In-
deed, pronounced figures and broad stripes and plaida
are never in perfect taste.
Heavy, rich materials suit a tall figure, while light,
full draperies should only be worn by those of slender
proportions and not too short. The very short and.
stout must be content with meagre drapery and quiet
colors.
Tall and slim persons should avoid stripes; short,
chunky ones, flounces, or any horizontal trimming of
the dress which, by breaking the outline from the. waist
to the feet, produces an effect of shortening.
HOW COLORS HARMONIZE.
Colors may form a harmony either by contrast or by
analogy. When two remote shades of one color are
associated, such as very light blue and a very dark blue,
they harmonize by contrast, though the harmony may
be neither striking nor perfect. When two colors which
are similar to each other are grouped, such as orange
and scarlet, crimson and orange, they harmonize by
analogy. A harmony of contrast is characterized by
brilliancy and decision, and a harmony of analogy by a
quiet and pleasing association of colors.
When a color is chosen which is favorable to the com-
plexion, it is well to associate with it the tints which
will harmonize by analogy, as to use contrasting colors
would diminish its favorable effect. When a color is
HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.
345.
used in. dress, not suitable to the complexion, it should
be associated with contrasting colors, as they have the
power to neutralize its objectionable influence.
Colors of similar power which contrast with each.
other, mutually intensify each other's brilliancy, as blue
and orange, scarlet and green; but dark and light colors
associated do not intensify each other to the same de-
gree, the dark appearing darker and the light appearing
"346 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.
lighter, as dark blue and straw color. Colors which
harmonize with each other by analogy, reduce each
other's brilliancy to a greater or less degree, as white
and yellow, blue and purple, black and brown.
The various shades of purple and lilac, dark blues
and dark greens, lose much of their brilliancy by gas-
light, while orange, scarlet, crimson, the light browns
and light greens, gain brilliancy by a strong artificial
light.
Below the reader will find a list of colors that har-
monize, forming most agreeable combinations, in which
are included all the latest and most fashionable shades
and colors:
Black and pink.
Black and lilac.
Black and scarlet.
Black and maize.
Black and slate color.
Black and orange, a rich harmony.
Black and white, a perfect harmony.
Bladk and brown, a dull harmony.
Black and drab or buff.
Blaqk, white or yellow and crimson.
Black, orange, blue and scarlet.
Black and chocolate brown.
Black and shaded cardinal.
Black and cardinal.
Black, yellow, bronze and light blue.
Black, cardinal, blue and old gold.
Blue and brown.
Blue and black.
Blue and gold, a rich harmony.
Blue and orange, a perfect harmony.
Blue and chestnut (or chocolate).
Blue and maize.
HABMONY OF COLOKS IX DlIESS. 347
Blue and straw color.
Blue and white.
Blue and fawn color, weak harmony.
Blue and stone color.
Blue and drab.
Blue and lilac, weak harmony.
Blue and crimson, imperfectly.
Blue and pink, poor harmony.
Blue and salmon color.
Blue, scarlet and purple (or lilac).
Blue, orange and black.
Blue, orange and green.
Blue, brown, crimson and gold (or yellow).
Blue, orange, black and white.
Blue, pink and bronze green.
Blue, cardinal and old gold.
Blue, yellow, chocolate-brown and gold.
Blue, mulberry and yellow.
Bronze and old gold.
Bronze, pink and light blue.
Bronze, black, blue, pink and gold.
Bronze, cardinal and peacock blue.
Brown, blue, green, cardinal and yellow.
Brown, yellow, cardinal and peacock blue.
Crimson and gold, rich harmony.
Oimson and orange, rich harmony.
Crimson and brown, dull harmony.
Crimson and black, dull harmony.
Crimson and drab.
Crimson and maize.
Crimson and purple.
Cardinal and old gold.
Cardinal, brown and black.
Cardinal and navy blue.
Chocolate, blue, pink and gold.
Claret and old gold.
Dark green, white and cardinal.
Ecrue, bronze and peacock.
Ecrue and light blue.
348 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.
Garnet, bronze and pink.
Gensd'arme and cardinal.
Gensd'arme and bronze.
Gensd'arme and myrtle.
Gensd'ai'me and old gold.
Gensd'arme, yellow and cardinal.
Gensd'arme, pink, cardinal and lavender
Green and gold, or gold color.
Green and scarlet.
Green and orange.
Green and yellow.
Green, crimson, blue and gold s or yellow.
Green, blue and scarlet.
Green, gold and mulberry
Green and cardinal.
Lilac and white, poor.
Lilac and gray, poor.
Lilac and maize.
Lilac and cherry.
Lilac and gold, or gold color.
Lilac and scarlet.
Lilac and crimson.
Lilac, scarlet and white or black.
Lilac, gold color and crimson.
Lilac, yellow or gold, scarlet and white.
Light pink and garnet.
Light drab, pine, yellow and white.
Myrtle and old gold.
Myrtle and bronze.
Myrtle, red, blue and yellow.
Myrtle, mulberry, cardinal, gold and light green
Mulberry and old gold.
Mulberry and gold.
Mulberry and bronze.
Mulberry, bronze and gold,
Mulberry and pearl.
Mode, pearl and mulberry.
Maroon, yellow, silvery gray and light greeiu
Navy blue, light blue and gold.
HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 349
blue, gensd'anne and pearl.
Navy blue, maize, cardinal and yellow.
Orange and bronze, agreeable.
Orange and chestnut.
Orange, lilac and crimson.
Orange, red and green.
Orange, purple and scarlet.
Orange, blue, scarlet and purple.
Orange, blue, scarlet and claret.
Orange, blue, scarlet, white and green.
Orange, blue and crimson.
Pearl, light blue and peacock blue.
Peacock blue and light gold.
Peacock blue and old gold.
Peacock blue and cardinal.
Peacock blue, pearl, gold and cardinal.
Purple and maize.
Purple and blue.
Purple and gold, or gold color, rich.
Purple and orange, rich.
Purple and black, heavy.
Purple and white, cold.
Purple, scarlet and gold color.
Purple, scarlet and white.
Purple, scarlet, blue and orange.
Purple, scarlet, blue, yellow and black.
Red and white, or gray.
Red and gold, or gold color.
Red, orange and green.
Red, yellow or gold color and black.
Red, gold color, black and white.
Seal brown, gold and cardinal
Sapphire and bronze.
Sapphire and old gold.
Sapphire and cardinal.
Sapphire and light blue.
Sapphire and light pink.
Sapphire and corn.
Sapphire and garnet.
350 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.
Sapphire and mulberry.
Shaded blue and black.
Scarlet and blue.
Scarlet and slate color.
Scarlet and orange.
Scarlet, blue and white.
Scarlet, blue and yellow.
Scarlet, black and white.
Scarlet, blue, black and yellow.
Shaded blue, shaded garnet and shaded gold.
Shaded blue and black.
White and cherry.
White and crimson.
White and brown.
White and pink.
White and scarlet.
White and gold color, poor.
Yellow and black.
Yellow and brown.
Yellow, and red.
Yellow and chestnut or chocolate.
Yellow and white, poor.
Yellow and purple, agreeable.
Yellow and violet.
Yellow and lilac, weak.
Yellow and blue, cold.
Yellow and crimson.
Yellow, purple and crimson.
Yellow, purple, scarlet and blue.
Yellow, cardinal and peacock blue.
Yellow, pink, maroon and light blue.
CHAPTER XXXII.
appear at all times neat, clean and
tidy, is demanded of every well-bred
person. The dress may be plain r
rich or extravagant, but there must
be a neatness and cleanliness of the
person. Whether a lady is pos-
sessed of few or many personal at-
tractions, it is her duty at all times to<
appear tidy and clean, and to make her-
self as comely and attractive as circum-
stances and surroundings will permit.
The same may be said of a gentleman. If a.
gentleman calls upon a lady, his duty and his-
respect for her demand that he shall appear not
only in good clothes, but with well combed hair, exqui-
sitely clean hands, well trimmed beard or cleanly shaven
face, while the lady will not show herself in an untidy
dress, or disheveled hair. They should appear at their
best.
Upon the minor details of the toilet depend, in a
great degree, the health, not to say the beauty, of the
individual. In fact the highest state of health is equiv
(351)
THE TOILET,
alent to the highest degree of beauty of which the
individual is capable,
PERFUMES.
Perfumes, if used at all, should be used in the strict-
est moderation, and be of the most recherche kind.
Musk and patchouli should always be avoided, as, to
many people of sensitive temperament, their odor is
exceedingly disagreeable. Cologne water of the best
quality is never offensive.
THE BATH.
Cleanliness is the outward sign of inward purity.
Cleanliness of the person is health, and health is beauty.
The bath is consequently a very important means of
preserving the health and enhancing the beauty. It is
not to be supposed that we bathe simply to become
clean, but because we wish to remain clean. Cold
water refreshes and invigorates, but does not cleanse,
and persons who daily use a sponge bath in the morn-
ing, should frequently use a warm one, of from ninety-
six to one hundred degrees Fahrenheit for cleansing pur-
poses. When a plunge bath is taken, the safest tem-
perature is from eighty to ninety degrees, which
answers the purposes of both cleansing and refresh-
ing. Soap should be plentifully used, and the flesh-
brush applied vigorously, drying with a coarse Turk-
ish towel. Nothing improves the complexion like the
daily use of the fleshbrush, with early rising and exer-
.cise in the open air.
THE TOILET. 353
In many houses, in large cities, there is a separate
"bath-room, with hot and cold water, but in smaller
places and country houses this convenience is not to be
found. A substitute for the bath-room is a large piece
of oil-cloth, which can be laid upon the floor of an
ordinary dressing-room. Upon this may be placed the
bath tub or basin, or a person may use it to stand upon
while taking a sponge bath. The various kinds of
baths, both hot and cold, are the shower bath, the
douche, the hip bath and the sponge bath.
The shower bath can only be endured by the most
vigorous constitutions, and therefore cannot be recom-
mended for indiscriminate use.
A douche or hip bath may be taken every morning,
with the temperature of the water suited to the endur-
ance of the individual. In summer a sponge bath may
be taken upon retiring. Once a week a warm bath, at
from ninety to one hundred degrees, may be taken,
with plenty of soap, in order to thoroughly cleanse the
pores of the skin. Rough towels should be vigorously
used after these baths, not only to remove the impuri-
ties of the skin but for the beneficial friction which
will send a glow over the whole body. The hair glove
or flesh brush may be used to advantage in the bath
before the towel is applied.
THE TEETH.
The teeth should be carefully brushed with a hard
brush after each meal, and also on retiring at night.
Use the brush so that not only the outside of the teeth
354: THE TOILETo
becomes white, but the inside also. After the brush is
used plunge it two or three times into a glass of water,
then rub it quite dry on a towel.
Use tooth- washes or powders very sparingly. Castile
soap used once a day, with frequent brushings with pure
water and a brush, cannot fail to keep the teeth clean
and white, unless they are disfigured and destroyed by
other bad habits, such as the use of tobacco, or too hot
or too cold drinks.
DECAYED TEETH.
On the slightest appearance of decay or tendency to
accumulate tartar, go at once to the dentist. If a dark
spot appearing under the enamel is neglected, it will eat
in until the tooth is eventually destroyed. A dentist
seeing the tooth in its first stage, will remove the de-
cayed part and plug the cavity in a proper manner.
TARTAR ON THE TEETH.
Tartar is not so easily dealt with, but it requires
equally early attention. It results from an impaired
state of the general health, and assumes the form of a
yellowish concretion on the teeth and gums. At first it
is possible to keep it down by a repeated and vigorous
use of the tooth brush; but if a firm, solid mass accum-
ulates, it is necessary to have it chipped off by a dentist.
Unfortunately, too, by that time it will probably have
begun to loosen and destroy the teeth on which it fixes,
and is pretty certain to have produced one obnoxious
effect that of tainting the breath. Washing the teeth
THE TOILET. 355
with vinegar when the brush is used has been recom-
mended as a means of removing tartar.
Tenderness of the gums, to which some persons are
subject, may sometimes be met by the use of salt and
water, but it is well to rinse the mouth frequently with
water with a few drops of tincture of myrrh in it.
FOUL BREATH.
Foul breath, unless caused by neglected teeth, indi-
cates a deranged state of the system. When it is occa-
sioned by the teeth or other local case, use a gargle con-
sisting of a spoonful of solution of chloride of lime in
half a tumbler of water. Gentlemen smoking, and thus
tainting the breath, may be glad to know that the com-
mon parsley has a peculiar effect in removing the odor
of tobacco.
THE SKIN".
Beauty and health of the skin can only be obtained
by perfect cleanliness of the entire person, an avoidance
of all cosmetics, added to proper diet, correct habits and
early habits of rising and exercise. The skin must be
thoroughly washed, occasionally with warm water and
soap, to remove the oily exudations on its surface. If
any unpleasant sensations are experienced after the use
of soap, they may be immediately removed by rinsing
the surface with water to which a little lemon juice or
vinegar has been added.
366 THE TOILET.
PRESERVING A YOUTHFUL COMPLEXION.
The following rules may be given for the preservation
of a youthful complexion- Rise early and go to bed
early. Take plenty of exercise. Use plenty of cold
water and good soap frequently. Be moderate in eating
and drinking. Do not lace. Avoid as much as possible
the vitiated atmosphere of crowded assemblies. Shun
cosmetics and washes for the skin. The latter dry the
skin, and only defeat the end they are supposed to have
in view.
MOLES.
Moles are frequently a great disfigurement to the face,
but they should not be tampered with in any way. The
only safe and certain mode of getting rid of moles is by
a surgical operation,
FRECKLES.
Freckles are of two kinds. Those occasioned by ex-
posure to the sunshine, and consequently evanescent,
are denominated " summer freckles ;" those which are
constitutional and permanent are called " cold freckles."
With regard to the latter, it is impossible to give any
advice which will be of value. They result from causes
not to be affected by mere external applications. Sum-
mer freckles are not so difficult to deal with, and with a
little care the skin may be kept free from this cause of
disfigurement. Some skins are so delicate that they
become freckled on the slightest exposure to open air in
summer. The cause assigned for this is that the iron
THE TOILET.
in the blood, forming a junction with the oxygen, leaves
a rusty mark where the junction takes place. We give
in their appropriate places some recipes for removing
these latter freckles from the face.
OTHER DISCOLORATIONS.
There are various other discolorations of the skin,
proceeding frequently from derangement of the system.
The cause should always be discovered before attempt-
ing a remedy; otherwise you may aggravate the com
plaint rather than cure it.
THE EYES.
Beautiful eyes are the gift of Nature, and can owe
little to the toilet. As in the eye consists much of the
expression of the face, therefore it should be borne in
mind that those who would have their eyes bear a pleas-
ing expression must cultivate pleasing traits of charac-
ter and beautify the soul, and then this beautiful soul
will look through its natural windows.
Never tamper with the eyes. There is danger of
destroying them. All daubing or dyeing of the lids is
foolish and vulgar.
SHORT-SIGHTEDNESS.
Short-sightedness is not always a natural defect, it
may be acquired by bad habits in youth. A short-
sighted person should supply himself with glasses ex-
actly adapted to his wants; but it is well not to use
these glasses too constantly, as, even when they per-
358 THE TOILET
fectly fit the eye, they really tend to shorten the sight.
Unless one is very short-sighted, it is best to keep the
glasses for occasional use, and trust ordinarily to the
unaided eye. Parents and teachers should watch their
children and see that they do not acquire the habit of
holding their books too close to their eyes, and thus
injure their sight.
SQUINT-EYES AND CROSS-EYES.
Parents should also be careful that their children do
not become squint or cross-eyed through any careless-
ness. A child's hair hanging down loosely over its eyes,
or a bonnet projecting too far over them, or a loose rib-
bon or tape fluttering over the forehead, is sometimes
sufficient to direct the sight irregularly until it becomes
permanently crossed.
THB EYELASHES AND EYEBROWS.
A beautiful eyelash is an important adjunct to the
eye. The lashes may be lengthened by trimming them
occasionally in childhood. Care should be taken that
this trimming is done neatly and evenly, and especially
that the points of the scissors do not penetrate the eye.
The eyebrows may be brushed carefully in the direction
in which they should lie. In general, it is in exceeding
bad taste to dye either lashes or brows, for it usually
brings them into disharmony with the hair and features.
There are cases, however, when the beauty of an other-
wise fine countenance is utterly ruined by white lashes
and brows. In such cases one can hardly be blamed if
THE TOILET. 359
India ink is resorted to to give them the desired color.
Never shave the brows. It adds to their beauty in no
way, and may result in an irregular growth of new hair.
TAKE CARE OF THE EYES.
The utmost care should be taken of the eyes. They
should never be strained in an imperfect light, whether
that of shrouded daylight, twilight or flickering lamp
or candle-light. Many persons have an idea that an
habitually dark room is best for the eyes. On the con-
trary, it weakens them and renders them permanently
unable to bear the light of the sun. Our eyes were
naturally designed to endure the broad light of day,
and the nearer we approach to this in our houses, the
stronger will be our eyes and the longer will we retain
our sight.
EYEBROWS MEETING.
Some persons have the eyebrows meeting over the
nose. This is usually considered a disfigurement, but
there is no remedy for it. It may be a consolation for
such people to know that the ancients admired this style
of eyebrows, and that Michael Angelo possessed it. It
is useless to pluck out the uniting hairs; and if a depil-
atory is applied, a mark like that of a scar left from a
burn remains, and is more disfiguring than the hair.
INFLAMED EYES.
If the lids of the eyes become inflamed and scaly, do
not seek to remove the scales roughly, for they will
360 THE TOILET.
bring the lashes with them. Apply at, night a little cold
cream to the edges of the closed eyelids, and wash them
in the morning with lukewarm milk and water. It is
well to have on the toilet-table a remedy for inflamed
eyes. Spermaceti ointment is simple and well adapted
to this purpose. Apply at night, and wash off with
rose-water in the morning. There is a simple lotion
made by dissolving a very small piece of alum and a
piece of lump-sugar of the same size in a quart of water;
put the ingredients into the water cold and let them
simmer. Bathe the eyes frequently with ik
THE STY.
A sty in the eye is irritating and disfiguring. Bathe
with warm water; at night apply a bread-and-milk poul-
tice. When a white head forms, prick it with a fine
needle. Should the inflammation be obstinate, a little
citrine ointment may be applied, care being taken that
it does not get into the eye.
THE HAIR.
There is nothing that so adds to the charm of an indi-
vidual, especially a lady, as a good head of hair. The
ikin of the head requires even more tenderness and
cleanliness than any other portion of the body, and is
capable of being irritated by disease. The hair should
be brushed carefully. The brush should be of moderate
hardness, not too hard. The hair should be separated,
in order that the head itself may be well brushed, as by
doing so the scurf is removed, and that is most essential,
THE TOILET. 861
as it is not only unpleasant and unsightly, but if suffered
to remain it becomes saturated with perspiration, and
tends to weaken the roots of the hair, so that it is easily
pulled out. In brushing or combing, begin at the ex-
treme points, and in combing, hold the portion of hair
just above that through which the comb is passing,
firmly between the first and second fingers, so that if it
is entangled it may drag from that point, and not from
the roots. The finest head of hair may be spoiled by
the practice of plunging the comb into it high up and
dragging it in a reckless manner; Short, loose, broken
hairs are thus created, and become very troublesome.
THE USE OF HAIR OILS.
Do not plaster the hair with oil or pomatum. A
white, concrete oil pertains naturally to the covering of
the human head, but some persons have it in more
abundance than others. Those whose hair is glossy and
shining need nothing to render it so; but when the hai'
is harsh, poor and dry, artificial lubrication is necessary.
Persons who perspire freely, or who accumulate scurf
rapidly, require it also. Nothing is simpler or better in
the way of oil than pure, unscented salad oil, and in the
way of a pomatum, bear's grease is as pleasant as any-
thing. Apply either with the hands, or keep a soft
brush for the purpose, but take care not to use the oil
too freely. An overoiled head of hair is vulgar and
offensive. So are scents of any kind in the oil applied
to the hair. It is well also to keep a piece of flannel
with which to rub the hair at night after brushing it, in
362 THE TOILET.
order to remove the oil before laying the head upon the
pillow.
Vinegar and water form a good wash for the roots
of the hair. Ammonia diluted in water is still better.
The hair-brush should be frequently washed in diluted
ammonia.
For removing scurf, glycerine, diluted with a little
rose-water, will be found of service. Any preparation
of rosemary forms an agreeable and highly cleansing
wash. The yolk of an egg beaten up in warm water is
an excellent application to the scalp. Many heads of
hair require nothing more in the way of wash than
soap and water. Beware of letting the hair grow too
long, as the points are apt to weaken and split. It is
well to have the ends clipped off once a month.
Young girls should wear their hair cut short until
they are grown up, if they would have it then in its
best condition.
DYEING THE HAIR.
A serious objection to dyeing the hair is that it is
almost impossible to give the hair a tint which harmon-
izes with the complexion. If the hair begins to change
early, and the color goes in patches, procure from the
druggist's a preparation of the husk of the walnut water
of eau crayon. This will, by daily application, darken
the tint of the hair without actually dyeing it. When
the change of color has gone on to any great extent, it
is better to abandon the application and put up with the
change, which, in nine cases out of ten, will be in ac-
cordance with the change of the face. Indeed, there is
THE TOILET. 363*
nothing more beautiful than soft, white hair worn in
bands or clustering curls about the face. The walnut
water may be used for toning down too red hair.
BALDNESS.
Gentlemen are more liable to baldness than ladies,
owing, no doubt, to the use of the close hat, which con-
fines and overheats the head. If the hair is found to be
falling out, the first thing to do is to look to the hat and
see that it is light and thoroughly ventilated. There is
no greater enemy to the hair than the silk dress-hat. It
is best to lay this hat aside altogether and adopt a light
felt or straw in its place.
Long, flowing hair on a man is not in good taste, and
will indicate him to the observer as a person of unbal-
anced mind and unpleasantly erratic character a man,
in brief, who seeks to impress others with the fact that
he is eccentric, something which a really eccentric person
never attempts.
THE BEARD.
Those who shave should be careful to do so every
morning. Nothing looks worse than a shabby beard.
Some persons whose beards are strong should shave
twice a day, especially if they are going to a party in
the evening.
The style of the growth of the beard should be gov-
erned by the character of the face. But whatever the
style be, the great point is to keep it well brushed and
trimmed, and to avoid any appearance of wildness or
inattention. The full, flowing beard of course requires
364 THE TOILBT.
more looking after in the way of cleanliness, than any
other. It should be thoroughly washed and brushed at
least twice a day, as dust is sure to accumulate in it,
and it is very easy to suffer it to become objectionable
to one's self as well as to others. If it is naturally
glossy, it is better to avoid the use of oil or pomatum.
The moustache should be worn neatly and not over-
large. There is nothing that so adds to native manli-
ness as the full beard if carefully and neatly kept.
THE HAND.
The beautiful hand is long and slender, with tapering
fingers and pink, filbert-shaped nails. The hand to be
in proper proportion to the rest of the body, should be
as long as from the point of the chin to the edge of the
hair on the forehead.
The hands should be kept scrupulously clean, and
therefore should be very frequently washed not merely
rinsed in soap and water, but thoroughly lathered, and
scrubbed with a soft nail-brush. In' cold weather the
use of lukewarm water is unobjectionable, after which
the hands should be dipped into cold water and very
carefully dried on a fine towel.
Be careful always to dry the hands thoroughly, and
rub them briskly for some time afterward. When this
is not sufficiently attended to in cold weather, the hands
chap and crack. When this occurs, rub a few drops of
honey over them when dry, or anoint them with cold
oream or glycerine before going to bed.
THE TOILET. 365
CHAPPED HANDS.
As cold weather is the usual cause of chapped hands,
BO the winter season brings with it a cure for them. A
thorough washing in snow and soap will cure the worst
case of chapped hands, and leave them beautifully soft
TO MAKE THE HANDS WHITE AND DILICATE.
Should you wish to make your hands white and deli-
cate, you might wash them in milk and water for a day
or two. On retiring to rest, rub them well over with
some palm oil and put on a pair of woolen gloves. The
hands should be thoroughly washed with hot water and
soap the next morning, and a pair of soft leather gloves
worn during the day. They should be frequently rub-
bed together to promote circulation. Sunburnt hands
may be washed in lime-water or lemon- juice.
TREATMENT OF WABTS.
Warts, which are more common with young people
than with adults, are very unsightly, and are sometimes
very difficult to get rid of. The best plan is to buy a
stick of lunar caustic, which is sold in a holder and case
at the druggist's for the purpose, dip it in water, and
touch the wart every morning and evening, care being
taken to cut away the withered skin before repeating
the operation. A still better plan is to apply acetic
acid gently once a day with a camel's hair pencil to the
summit of the wart. Care should be taken not to allow
this acid to touch any of the surrounding skin; to pre-
366 THE TOILET.
vent this the finger or hand at the base of the wart may
be covered with wax during the operation.
THE NAILS.
Nothing is so repulsive as to see a lady or gentleman,
however well dressed they may otherwise be, with un-
clean nails. It always results from carelessness and in-
attention to the minor details of the toilet, which is
most reprehensible. The nails should be cut about once
a week certainly not oftener. This should be accom-
plished just after washing, the nail being softer at such
a time. Care should be taken not to cut them too short,
though, if they are left too long, they will frequently
get torn and broken. They should be nicely rounded at
the corners. Recollect the filbert-shaped nail is con-
sidered the most beautiful. Never bite the nails; it not
only is a most disagreeable habit, but tends to make the
nails jagged, deformed and difficult to clean, besides
gives a red and stumpy appearance to the finger-tips.
Some persons are troubled by the cuticle adhering to
the nail as it grows. This may be pressed down by the
towel after washing; or should that not prove effica-
cious, it must be loosened round the edge with some
blunt instrument. On no account scrape the nails with
a view to polishing their surface. Such an operation
only tends to make them wrinkled.
Absolute smallness of hand is not essential to beauty,
which requires that the proper proportions should be
observed in the human figure. With proper care the
hand may be retained beautiful, soft and shapely, and
THE TOILET. 367
yet perform its fair share of labor. The hands should
always be protected by gloves when engaged in work
calculated to injure them. Gloves are imperatively
required for garden-work. The hands should always be
washed carefully and dried thoroughly after such labor.
If they are roughened by soap, rinse them in a little
vinegar or lemon-juice, and they will become soft and
smooth at once.
REMEDY FOR MOIST HANDS.
People afflicted with moist hands should revolutionize
their habits, take more out-door exercise and more fre-
quent baths. They should adopt a nutritious but not
over-stimulating diet, and perhaps take a tonic of some
sort. Local applications of starch-powder and the juice
of lemon may be used to advantage.
THE FEET.
A well formed foot is broad at the sole, the toes well
spread, each separate toe perfect and rounded in form.
The nails are regular and perfect in shape as those of
the fingers. The second toe projects a little beyond the
others, and the first, or big toe, stands slightly apart
from the rest and is slightly lifted. The feet, from the
circumstance of their being so much confined by boots
and shoes, require more care in washing than the rest of
the body. Yet they do not always get this care. The
hands receive frequent washings every day. Once a
week is quite as often as many people can bestow the
same attention upon their feet. A tepid bath at about
368 THE TOILET.
80 or 90 degrees, should be used. The feet may remain
in the water about five minutes, and the instant they
are taken out they should be rapidly and thoroughly
dried by being well rubbed with a coarse towel. Some-
times bran is used in the water. Few things are more
invigorating and refreshing after a long walk, or getting
wet in the feet, than a tepid foot-bath, clean stockings
and a pair of easy shoes. After the bath is the time for
pairing the toe-nails, as they are so much softer and
more pliant after having been immersed in warm water.
TREATMENT FOE MOIST OB DAMP FEET.
Some persons are troubled with moist or damp feet.
This complaint arises more particularly during the hot
weather in summer-time, and the greatest care and
cleanliness should be exercised in respect to it. Persons
so afflicted should wash their feet twice a day in soap
and warm water, after which they should put on clean
socks. Should this fail to cure, they may, after being
washed as above, be rinsed, and then thoroughly rubbed
with a mixture consisting of half a pint of warm water
and three tablespoonfuls of concentrated solution of
chloride of soda.
BLISTERS ON THE FEET.
People who walk much are frequently afflicted with
blisters. The best preventative of these is to have easy,
well-fitting boots and woolen socks.. Should blisters
occur, a very good plan is to pass a large darning-needle
threaded with worsted through the blister lengthwise,
THE TOILET. 369
leaving an inch or so of the thread outside at each end.
This keeps the scurf -skin close to the true skin, and pre-
vents any grit or dirt entering. The thread absorbs the
matter, and the old skin remains until the new one
grows. A blister should not be punctured save in this
manner, as it may degenerate into a sore and become
very troublesome,
CHILBLAINS.
To avoid chilblains on the feet it is necessary to ob-
serve three rules: 1. Avoid getting the feet wet; if
they become so, change the shoes and stockings at once.
2. Wear lamb's wool socks or stockings. 3. Never
under any circumstances " toast your toes " before the
fire, especially if you are very cold. Frequent bathing
of the feet in a strong solution of alum is useful in pre-
venting the coming of chilblains. On the first indica-
tion of any redness of the toes and sensation of itching
it would be well to rub them carefully with warm
spirits of rosemary, to which a little turpentine has been
added. Then a piece of lint soaked in camphorated
spirits, opodeldoc or camphor liniment may be applied
and retained on the part. Should the chilblain break,
dress it twice daily with a plaster of equal parts of lard
and beeswax, with half the quantity in weight of oil of
turpentine.
THE TOE NAILS.
The toe-nails do not grow so fast as the finger-nails,
but they should be looked after and trimmed at least
once a fortnight. They are much more subject to
irregularity of growth than the finger-nails, owing to
84
370 THE TOILET.
their confined position. If the nails show a tendency to
grow in at the sides, the feet should be bathed in hot
water, pieces of lint introduced beneath the parts with
an inward tendency, and the nail itself scraped longi-
tudinally.
Pare the toe-nails squarer than those of the fingers.
Keep them a moderate length long enough to protect
the toe, but not so long as to cut holes in the stockings.
Always cut the nails; never tear them, as is too fre-
quently the practice. Be careful not to destroy the
spongy substance below the nails, as that is the great
guard to prevent them going into the quick.
CORNS.
It is tolerably safe to say that those who wear loose,
easy-fitting shoes and boots will never be troubled with
corns. Some people are more liable to corns than others,
and some will persist in the use of tightly-fitting shoes
in spite of corns.
HOW TO HAVE SHOES MADE.
The great fault with modern shoes is that their soles
are made too narrow. If one would secure perfect health-
fulness of the feet, he should go to the shoemaker and
step with his stockinged feet on a sheet of paper. Let
the shoemaker mark with a pencil upon the paper the
exact size of his foot, and then make him a shoe whose
sole shall be as broad as this outlined foot.
Still more destructive of the beauty and symmetry of
our women's feet have been the high, narrow heels so
THE TOILET.
371
worn lately. They make it difficult to walk, and
even in some cases permanently cripple the feet. A
shoe, to be comfortable, should have a broad sole and a
heel of moderate height, say one-half an inch, as broad
at the bottom as at the top.
CHAPTER XXXIII
Collet
TO REMOVE FRECKLES.
RUISE and squeeze the juice out of
common chick-weed, and to this juice
add three times its quantity of soft
water. Bathe the skin with this for
five or ten minutes morning and even-
ing, and wash afterwards with clean
water.
Elder flowers treated and applied ex-
actly in the same manner as above. When
the flowers are not to be had, the distilled
water from them, which may be procured
from any druggist, will answer the purpose.
A good freckle lotion is made of honey, one
ounce, mixed with one pint of luke-warm
water. Apply when cold.
Carbonate of potassa, twenty grains; milk of almonds,
three ounces; oil of sassafras, three drops. Mix and
apply two or three times a day.
One ounce of alcohol; half a dram salts tartar; one
dram oil bitter almonds. Let stand for one day and
apply every second day.
(373)
TOILET RECIPES. 373
FOB PIMPLES ON THE FACE.
Wash the face in a solution composed of one teaspoon-
ful of carbolic acid to a pint of water. This is an ex-
cellent purifying lotion, and may be used on the most
delicate skin. Be careful not to get any of it in the
eyes as it will weaken them.
One tablespoonf ul of borax to half a pint of water is
an excellent remedy for cutaneous eruptions, canker,
ringworm, etc.
Pulverize a piece of alum the size of a walnut, dissolve
it in one ounce of lemon juice, and add one ounce of
alcohol. Apply once or twice a day.
Mix two ounces of rose-water with one dram of sul-
phate of zinc. Wet the face gently and let it dry.
Then touch the affected part with cream.
WASH FOR THE COMPLEXION.
A teaspoonf ul of the flour of sulphur and a wine-glass-
ful of lime-water, well shaken and mixed; half a wine-
glass of glycerine and a wine-glass of rose water. Rub
it on the face every night before going to bed. Shake
well before using.
Another prescription, used by hunters to keep away
the bla,ck flies and mosquitoes, is said to leave the skin
very clear and fair, and is as follows: Mix one spoon-
ful of the best tar in a pint of pure olive oil or almond
oil, by heating the two together in a tin cup set in boil-
ing water. Stir till completely mixed and smooth, put-
ting in more oil if the compound is too thick to run
374 TOILET RECIPES.
easily. Rub this on the face when going to bed, and
lay patches of soft cloth on the cheeks and forehead to
keep the tar from rubbing off. The bed linen must
be protected by cloth folded and thrown over the
pillows.
The whites of four eggs boiled in rose-water; half an
ounce of alum; halt an ounce of sweet almonds; beat
the whole together until it assumes the consistency of
paste. Spread upon a silk or muslin mask, to be worn
at night.
Take a small piece of the gum benzoin and boil it in
spirits of wine till it becomes a rich tincture. In using
it pour fifteen drops into a glass of water, wash the face
and hands and allow it to dry.
BORACIC ACID FOR SKIN DISEASES.
Boracic acid has been used with great success as an
external application in the treatment of vegetable para-
sitic diseases of the skin. A solution of a dram of the
acid to an ounce of water, or as much of the acid as the
water will take up, is found to meet the requirements of
the case satisfactorily. The affected parts should be
well bathed in the solution twice a day and well rubbed.
TO SOFTEN THE SKIN.
Mix half an ounce of glycerine with half an ounce of
alcohol, and add four ounces of rose-water. Shake well
together and it is ready for use. This is a splendid
remedy for chapped hands
TOILET RECIPES. 375
REMEDY FOR RINGWORM.
Apply a solution of the root of common narrow-
leafed dock, which belongs to the botanical genus of
Mumex. Use vinegar for the solvent.
Dissolve a piece of sulphate of potash, the size of a
walnut, in one ounce of water. Apply night and morn-
ing for a couple of days, and it will disappear.
TO REMOVE SUNBURN.
Take two drams of borax, one dram of alum, one
Jram of camphor, half an ounce of sugar-candy, and a
pound of ox-gall. Mix and stir well for ten minutes,
and stir it three or four times a fortnight. When clear
and transparent, strain through a blotting paper and
bottle for use.
TO PREVENT HAIR FALLING OUT.
Ammonia one ounce, rosemary one ounce, cantharides
four drams, rose-water four ounces, glycerine one ounce.
First wet the head with cold water, then apply the mix-
ture, rubbing briskly.
Vinegar of cantharides half an ounce, eau-de-cologne
one ounce, rose-water one ounce. The scalp should be
brushed briskly until it becomes red, and the lotion
should then be applied to the roots of the hair twice a
day.
TO BEAUTIFY THE HAIR.
Take two ounces of olive oil, four ounces of good bay
rum, and one dram of the oil of almonds; mix and shake
IrelL This will darken the hair.*
376 TOILET KECIPE8.
HAIR OILS.
Mix two ounce of castor oil with three ounces of
alcohol, and add two ounces of olive oil. Perfume to
liking.
TO MAKE POMADES FOR THE HAIR.
Take the marrow out of a beef shank bone, melt it in
a vessel placed over or in boiling water, then strain and
scent to liking, with ottar of roses or other perfume.
Unsalted lard five ounces, olive oil two and a half
ounces, castor oil one-quarter ounce, yellow wax and
spermaceti one-quarter ounce. These ingredients are to
be liquified over a warm bath, and when cool, perfume
to liking.
Fresh beef marrow, boiled with a little almond oil or
sweet oil, and scented with ottar of roses or other mild
perfume.
A transparent hair pomade is made as follows: Take
half a pint of fine castor oil and an ounce of white wax.
Stir until it gets cool enough to thicken, when perfume
may be stirred in; geranium, bergamot or lemon oil may
be used.
GERMAN METHOD OF TREATING THE HAIR.
The women of Germany have remarkably fine and
luxuriant hair. The following is their method of man-
aging it: About once in two or three weeks, boil for
half an hour or more a large handful of bran in a quart
of soft water; strain into a basin, and when tepid, rub
into the water a little white soap. With this wash the
TOILET RECIPES. 377
head thoroughly, using a soft linen cloth or towel, thor-
oughly dividing the hair so as to reach the roots. Then
take the yolk of an egg, slightly beaten in a saucer, and
with the fingers rub it into the roots of the hair. Let
it remain a few minutes, and then wash it off entirely
with a cloth dipped in pure water. Rinse the head well
till the yolk of the egg has disappeared from it, then
wipe and rub it dry with a towel, and comb the hair from
the head, parting it with the fingers, then apply some
soft pomatum. In winter it is best to do all this in a
warm room.
TO KEEP THE HAIR FROM TURNING GREY.
Take the hulls of butternuts, about four ounces, and
infuse in a quart of water, and to this add half an ounce
. of copperas. Apply with a soft brush every two or three
days. This preparation is harmless, and is far better
than those dyes made of nitrate of silver.
Oxide of bismuth four drams, spermaceti four drams,
pure hog's lard four ounces. Melt the two last and add
the first.
TO CLEANSE THE HAIR AND SCALP.
Beat up a fresh egg and rub it well into the hair, or
if more convenient, rub it into the hair without beating.
Rub the egg in until a lather is formed, occasionally
wetting the hands in warm water softened by borax.
By the time a lather is formed, the scalp is clean, then
rinse the egg all out in a basin of warm water, contain-
ing a tablespoonful of powdered borax: after that rinse
in a basin of clean water.
378 TOILET RECIPES.
HAIR WASH.
Bay nun six ounces, aromatic spirits of ammonia half
an ounce, bergamot oil six drops. Mix.
TO MAKE THE HAIR GROW.
If the head be perfectly bald, nothing will ever cause
the hair to grow again. If the scalp be glossy, and no
small hairs are discernible, the roots or follicles are
dead, and can not be resuscitated. However if small
hairs are to be seen, there is hope. Brush well, and
bathe the bald spot three or four times a week with
cold, soft water; carbonate of ammonia one dram, tinc-
ture of cantharides four drams, bay rum four ounces,
castor oil two ounces. Mix well and use it every day.
SEA FOAM OR DRY SHAMPOO.
Take a pint of alcohol, half pint of bay rum, and half
an ounce of spirits of ammonia, and one dram of salts
tartar. Shake well together and it is ready for use.
Pour a quantity on the head, rub well with the palm
of the hand. It will produce a thick foam, and will
cleanse the scalp. This is used generally by first-class
barbers.
BARBER'S SHAMPOO.
To one pint of warm water add half an ounce of salts
tartar. Cut up very fine a piece of castile soap, the size
of two crackers, and mix it, shaking the mixture well.
and it is ready for use.
TOILET RECIPES. 379
CLEANING GOLD JEWELRY.
Gold ornaments may be kept bright and clean with
soap and warm water, scrubbing them well with a soft
nail brush. They may be dried in sawdust of box- wood.
Imitation jewelry may be treated in the same way.
TO LOOSEN STOPPERS OF TOILET BOTTLES.
Let a drop of pure oil flow round the stopper and let
the bottle stand a foot or two from the fire. After a
time tap the stopper smartly, but not too hard, with the
handle of a hair brush. If this is not effectual, use a
fresh drop of oil and repeat the process. It is almost
sure to succeed.
TO MAKE BANDOLINE.
Half a pint of water, rectified spirits with an equal
quantity of water three ounces, gum tragacanth one and
a half drams. Add perfume, let the mixture stand for
a day or two and then strain.
Simmer an ounce of quince seed in a quart of water
for forty minutes, strain, cool, add a few drops of scent,
and bottle, corking tightly.
Iceland moss one-fourth of on ounce, boiled in a quart
of water, and a little rectified spirit added, so that it
will keep.
TO MAKE LIP-SALVE.
Melt in a jar placed in a basin of boiling water a
quarter of an ounce each of white wax and spermaceti,
flour of benzoin fifteen grains, and half an ounce of the
380 TOILET RECIPES.
oil of almonds. Stir till the mixture is cool. Color red
with alkanet root.
TO CLEAN KID BOOTS.
Mix a little white of egg and ink in a bottle, so that
the composition may be well shaken up when required
for use. Apply to the kid with a piece of sponge and
rub dry. The best thing to rub dry with is the palm of
the hand. When the kid shows symptoms of cracking,
rub in a few drops of sweet oil. The soles and heels
fiouJd be polished with common blacking.
TO CLEAN PATENT-LEATHEE BOOTS.
In cleaning patent-leather boots, first remove all the
dirt upon them with a sponge or flannel; then the boot
should be rubbed lightly over with a paste consisting of
two spoonfuls of cream and one of linseed oil, both of
which require to be warmed before being mixed. Pol-
ish with a soft cloth.
TO REMOVE STAINS AND SPOTS FROM SILK.
Boil five ounces of soft water and six ounces of pow-
dered alum for a short time, and pour it into a vessel to
cool. Warm it for use, and wash the stained part with
it and leave dry.
Wash the soiled part with ether, and the grease will
disappear.
We often find that lemon- juice, vinegar, oil of vitriol
and other sharp corrosives, stain dyed garments. Some-
TOILET RECIPES. 38 1
times, by adding a little pearlash to a soap-lather and
passing the silks through these, the faded color will be
restored. Pearlash and warm water will sometimes do
alone, but it is the most efficacious to use the soap-lather
and pearlash together.
TOOTHACHE PREVENTIVE.
Use flower of sulphur as a tooth powder every night,
rubbing the teeth and gums with a rather hard tooth-
brush. If done after dinner, too, all the better. It pre-
serves the teeth and does not communicate any smell
whatever to the mouth.
HOW TO WHITEN LINEN.
Stains occasioned by fruit, iron rust and other similar
causes may be removed by applying to the parts injured
a weak solution of the chloride of lime, the cloth having
been previously well washed. The parts subjected to
this operation should be subsequently rinsed in soft,
clear, warm water, without soap, and be immediately
dried in the sun.
Oxalic acid diluted with water will accomplish the
same end.
TO TAKE STAINS OUT OF SILK.
Mix together in a vial two ounces of essence of lemon
and one ounce of oil of turpentine. Grease and other
spots in silk must be rubbed gently with a linen rag
dipped in the above composition. To remove acid
stains from silks, apply with a soft rag ; spirits of am-
monia.
382 TOILET RECIPES.
TO REMOVE STAINS FROM WHITE COTTON GOODS.
For mildew, rub in salt and some buttermilk, and ex-
pose it to the influence of a hot sun. Chalk and soap or
lemon juice and salt are also good. As fast as the spots
become dry, more should be rubbed on, and the garment
should be kept in the sun until the spots disappear.
Some one of the preceding things will extract most
kinds of stains, but a hot sun is necessary to render any
one of them effectual.
Scalding water will remove fruit stains. So also will
hartshorn diluted with warm water, but it will be nec-
essary to apply it several times.
Common salt rubbed on fruit stains before they be-
come dry will extract them.
Colored cotton goods that have ink spilled on them,
should be soaked in lukewarm sour milk.
TO REMOVE SPOTS OF PITCH OR TAR.
Scrape off all the pitch or tar you can, then saturate
the spots with sweet oil or lard; rub it in well, and let
it remain in a warm place for an hour.
TO EXTRACT PAINT FROM GARMENTS.
Saturate the spot with spirits of turpentine, let it re-
main a number of hours, then rub it between the hands;
it will crumble away without injury either to the tex-
ture or color of any kind of woolen, cotton or silk goods.
TOILET RECIPES. 383
TO CLEAN SILKS AND RIBBONS.
Take equal quantities of soft lye-soap, alcohol or gin,
and molasses. Put the silk on a clean table without
creasing; rub on the mixture with a flannel cloth. Rinse
the silk well in cold, clear water, and hang it up to dry
without wringing. Iron it before it gets dry, on the
wrong side. Silks and ribbons treated in this way will
look very nicely.
Camphene will extract grease and clean ribbons with-
out changing the color of most things. They should be
dried in the open air and ironed when pretty dry.
The water in which pared potatoes have been boiled
is very good to wash black silks in; it stiffens and makes
them glossy and black.
Soap-suds answer very well. They should be washed
in two suds and not rinsed in clean water.
REMEDY FOR BURNT KID OR LEATHER SHOES.
If a lady has had the misfortune to put her shoes or
slippers too near the stove, and thus had them burned,
she can make them nearly as good as ever by spreading
soft-soap upon them while they are still hot, and then,
when they are cold, washing it off. It softens the
leather and prevents it drawing up.
REMEDY FOR CORNS.
Soak the feet for half an hour two or three nights suc-
cessively in a pretty strong solution of common soda.
The alkali dissolves the indurated cuticle and the corn
384 TOILET KECIPES.
comes away, leaving a little cavity which, however,
won fills up.
Corns between the toes are generally more painful
than others, and are frequently so situated as to be
almost inaccessible to the usual remedies. They may
be cured by wetting them several times a day with
spirits of ammonia.
INFLAMED EYELIDS.
Take a slice of stale bread, cut as thin as possible,
toast both sides well, but do not burn it; when cold soak
it in cold water, then put it between a piece of old linen
and apply, changing when it gets warm.
TO MAKE COLD CREAM.
Melt in a jar two ounces of white wax, half an ounce
of spermaceti, and mix with a pint of sweet oil. Add
perfume to suit.
Melt together an ounce of white wax, half an ounce
of spermaceti, and mix with a pint of oil of sweet
almonds and half a pint of rose-water. Beat to a paste.
TO MAKE ROSE-WATER.
Take half an ounce of powdered white sugar and two
drams of magnesia. With these mix twelve drops of
ottar of roses. Add a quart of water, two ounces of
alcohol, mix in a gradual manner, and filter through
blotting paper.
TOILET RECIPES. 385
HOW TO WASH LACES.
Take a quart bottle and cover it over with the leg of
a soft, firm stocking, sew it tightly above and below,
fhen wind the collar or lace smoothly around the cov-
ered bottle; take a fine needle and thread and sew very
carefully around the outer edge of the collar or lace,
catching every loop fast to the stocking. Then shake
the bottle up and down in a pailful of warm soap-suds,
occasionally rubbing the soiled places with a soft sponge.
It must be rinsed well after the same manner in clean
water. When the lace is clean, apply a very weak solu-
tion of gum arabic and stand the bottle in the sunshine
to dry. Take off the lace very carefully when perfectly
dry. Instead of ironing, lay it between the white leaves
of a heavy book; or, if you are in a hurry, iron on flan-
nel between a few thicknesses of fine muslin. Done up
in this way, lace collars will wear longer, stay clean
longer, and have a rich, new, lacy look that they will
not have othei'wise.
HOW TO DARKEN FADED FALSE HAIR.
The switches, curls and frizzes which fashion demands
should be worn, will fade in course of time; and though
they matched the natural hair perfectly at first, they
will finally present a lighter tint. If the hair is brown
this can be remedied. Obtain a yard of dark brown
calico. Boil it until the color has well come out into
the water. Then into this water dip the hair, and*take
25
TOILET RECIPES.
it out and dry it. Repeat the operation until it shall be
of the required depth of shade.
PUTTING AWAY FURS FOR THE SUMMER.
When you are ready to put away furs and woolens,
and want to guard against the depredations of moths,
pack them securely in paper flour sacks and tie them up
well. This is better than camphor or tobacco or snuff
scattered among them in chests and drawers. Before
putting your muffs away for the summer, twirl them by
the cord at the ends, so that every hair will straighten.
Put them in their boxes and paste a strip of paper where
the lid fits on.
TO KEEP THE HAIR IN CURL.
To keep the hair in curl take a few quince-seed, boil
them in water, and add perfumery if you like; wet the
hair with this and it will keep in curl longer than from
the use of any other preparation. It is also good to
keep the hair in place on the forehead on going out in
the wind.
PROTECTION AGAINST MOTHS.
Dissolve two ounces of camphor in half a pint each of
alcohol and spirits of turpentine; keep in a stone bottle
and shake before using. Dip blotting paper in the
liquid, and place in the box with the articles to be pre-
served.
TO TAKE MILDEW OUT OF LINEN.
Wet the linen in soft water, rub it well with white
soap, then scrape some fine chalk to powder, and rub it
TOILET KECIPE8. 387
well into the linen; lay it out on the grass in the sun-
shine, watching to keep it damp with soft water. Re-
peat the process the next day, and in a few hours the
mildew will entirely disappear.,
CURE FOB INGROWING NAILS ON TOES.
Take a little tallow and put it into a spoon, and heat
it over a lamp until it becomes very hot; then pour it
on the sore or granulation. The effect will be almost
magical. The pain and tenderness will at once be re-
lieved. The operation causes very little pain if the tal-
low is perfectly heated. Perhaps a repetition may be
necessary in some cases.
TO REMOVE GREASE-SPOTS FROM WOOLEN CLOTH.
Take one quart of spirits of wine or alcohol, twelve
drops of winter green, one gill of beef-gall and &ii.
cents' worth of lavendar. A little alkanet to color if
you wish. Mix.
TO CLEAN WOOLEN CLOTH.
Take equal parts of spirits hartshorn and ether. Ox-
gall mixed with it makes it better.
TO TAKE INK-SPOTS FROM LINEN.
Take a piece of mould candle of the finest kind, melt
it, and dip the spotted part of the linen in the melted
tallow: Then throw the linen into the wash.
388 TOILET RECIPES.
TO REMOVE FRUIT-STAINS.
Moisten the parts stained with cold water; then hold
it over the smoke of burning brimstone, and the stain
will disappear. This will remove iron mould also.
CLEANING SILVER.
For cleaning silver, either articles of personal wear or
those pertaining to the toilet-table or dressing-case,
there is nothing better than a spoonful of common
whiting, carefully pounded so as to be without lumps,
reduced to a paste with gin.
TO REMOVE GREASE SPOTS.
French chalk is useful for removing grease-spots from
clothing. Spots on silk will sometimes yield if a piece
of blotting-paper is placed over them and the blade of
a knife is heated (not too much) and passed over the
paper.
TO REMOVE A TIGHT RING.
When a ring happens to get so tight on a finger that
it cannot be removed, a piece of string, well soaped,
may be wound tightly round the finger, commencing
at the end of the finger and continued until the ring is
reached. Then force the end of the twine between the
ring and finger, and as the string is unwound, the ring
will be gradually forced off.
MOSQUITOES WARDED OFF.
To ward off mosquitoes, apply to the skin a solution
made of fifty drops of carbolic acid to an ounce of
TOILET RECIPES. 389
glycerine. Mosquito bites may be instantly cured by
touching them with the solution. Add two or three
drops of the ottar of roses to disguise the smell. The
pure, crystalized form of the acid has a less powerful
odor than the common preparation.
LINIMENT FOR THE FACE AFTER SHAVING.
One ounce of lime water, one ounce of sweet oil, one
drop oil of roses, is a good liniment for th^ face after
shaving. Shake well before using. Apply with the
forefinger.
TO REMOVE SUNBURN.
Wash thoroughly with milk of almonds, which can be
obtained at the drug store.
TO WHITEN THE FINGER NAILS.
Take two drams of dilute sulphuric acid, one dram of
the tincture of myrrh, four ounces of spring water, and
mix in a bottle. After washing the hands, dip the
fingers in a little of the mixture. Rings with stories
or pearls in them should be removed before using this
mixture.
TO REMOVE TAN.
Tan can be removed from the face by dissolving mag-
nesia in soft water. Beat it to a thick mass, spread it
on the face, and let it remain a minute or two. Then
wash oS. with castile soapsuds and rinse with soft water.
390 TOILET RECIPES.
TO CUKE WARTS.
Take a piece of raw beef steeped in vinegar for
twenty-four hours, *ie i* on the part affected. Apply
each night loi two weeks.
REMEDY FOR IN-GROWING TOE-NAILS.
The best remedy for in-growing toe-nails is to cut a
notch about the shape of a V in the end of the nail,
about one-quarter the width of the nail from the in-
growing side. Cut down as nearly to the quick as pos-
sible, and one-third the length of the nail. The press-
ure of the boot or shoe will tend to close the opening
you have made in the nail, and this soon affords relief.
Allow the in-growing portion of the nail to grow with-
out cutting it, until it gets beyond the flesh.
TO REMOVE WRINKLES.
Melt one ounce of white wax, add two ounces of juice
of lily-bulbs, two ounces of honey, two drams of rose-
water, and a drop or two of ottar of roses. Use it twice
a day.
Put powder of best myrrh upon an iron plate suffici-
ently hot to melt the gum gently, and when it liquefies^
cover over your head with a napkin, and hold your face
over the fumes at a distance that will cause you no in-
convenience. If it produces headache, discontinue its
use.
In, washing, use warm instead of cold water.
TOILET BECIPES. 391
EEMEDY FOR CHAPPED HANDS.
After washing with soap, rinse the hands in fresh
water and dry them thoroughly, by applying Indian
meal or rice flour.
Lemon- juice three ounces, white wine vinegar three
ounces, and white brandy half a pint.
Add ten drops of carbolic acid to one ounce of
glycerine, and apply freely at night.
TO CUBE CHILBLAINS.
Two tablespoonfuls of lime water mixed with enough
sweet oil to make it as thick as lard. Rub the chilblains
with the mixture and dry it in, then wrap up in linen.
Bathe the chilblains in strong alum water, as hot as it
can be borne.
When indications of the chilblains first present them-
selves, take vinegar three ounces and camphorated spirits
of wine one ounce; mix and rub on the parts affected.
Bathe the feet in warm water, in which two or three
handsf ul of common salt have been dissolved.
Rub with a raw onion dipped in salt.
HAIR RESTORATIVE.
The oil of mace one-half ounce, mixed with a pint of
deodorized alcohol, is a powerful stimulant for the hair.
To apply it, pour a spoonful or two into a saucer, dip a
stiff brush into it and brush the hair and head smartly.
On bald heads, if hair will start at all, it may be
stimulated by friction with a piece of flannel till the skin
392 TOILET RECIPES.
becomes red. Repeat this process three times a day,
until the hair begins to grow, when the tincture may be
applied but once a day, till the growth is well estab-
lished. The head should be bathed in cold water every
morning, and briskly brushed to bring the blood to the
surface.
WASH FOR THE TEETH.
Dissolve two ounces of borax in three pints of warm
water. Before the water is quite cold, add one tea-
spoonful of spirits of camphor. Bottle the mixture for
use. One wine-glass of the mixture, added to half a
pint of tepid water, is sufficient for each application.
This solution used daily, beautifies and preserves the
teeth.
FOR WHITENING THE HANDS.
A wine-glass of cologne and one of lemon-juice
strained clear. Scrape two cakes of brown Windsor
soap to a powder and mix well in a mould. When hard,
it is fit for use, and will be found excellent for whiten-
ing the hands.
Wear during the night, large cloth mittens filled with
wet bran or oatmeal, and tied closely at the wrist.
Persons who have a great deal of house-work to do, may
keep their hands soft and white by wearing bran or oat-
meal mittens.
TO REDUCE THE FLESH.
A strong decoction of sassafras, drank frequently,
will reduce the flesh as rapidly as any remedy known.
A strong infusion is made at the rate of an ounce of
TOILET RECIPES. 393
sassafras to a quart of water. Boil it half an hour very
slowly, and let it stand till cold, heating again if desired.
Keep it from the air.
SMOOTH AND SOFT HANDS.
A few drops of glycerine thoroughly rubbed over the
hands, after washing them, will keep them smooth and
soft.
TO MAKE TINCTURE OP ROSES.
Take the leaves of the common rose and place, with-
out pressing them, in a glass bottle, then pour some
spirits of wine on them, close the bottle and let it stand
till required for use. Its perfume is nearly equal to
that of ottar of roses.
SOFT CORNS.
A weak solution of carbolic acid will heal soft corns
between the toes.
BUKNED EYEBROWS.
Five grains sulphate of quinine dissolved in an ounce
of alcohol, will, if applied, cause eyebrows to grow when
burned off by the fire.
TO RESTORE GRAY HAIR.
A recipe for restoring gray hair to its natural color,
said to be very effective, when the hair is changing color,
is as follows: One pint of water, one ounce tincture of
acetate of iron, half an ounce of glycerine, and five
grains sulphuret potassium. Mix and let the bottle
394 TOILET KEOIPE8.
stand open until the smell of the potassium has disap-
peared, then add a few drops of ottar of roses. Rub a
little into the hair daily, and it will restore its color and
benefit the health.
Bathing the head in a strong solution of rock salt, is
said to restore gray hair in some cases. Make the solu-
tion two heaping tablespoonfuls of salt to a quart of
boiling water, and let it stand until cold before using.
A solution made of a tablespoonf ul of carbonate of
ammonia to a quart of water is also recommended,
wash the head thoroughly with the solution and brush
the hair while wet.
TO TAKE STAINS OUT OF SILKS.
Make a solution of two ounces of essence of lemon,
and one ounce oil of turpentine. Rub the silk gently
with linen cloth, dipped in the solution.
To remove acid stains from silk, apply spirits of am-
monia with a soft rag.
TO TAKE INKSPOTS FROM LIKEN.
Dip the spotted part of the linen in clean, pure melted
tallow, before being washed.
TO REMOVE DISCOLORATION BY BRUISING.
Apply to the bruise a cloth wrung out of very hot
water, and renew frequently until the pain ceases.
TOILET RECIPES. 395
TO CLEAN KID GLOVES.
Make a solution of one quart of distilled benzine with
one-fourth of an ounce of carbonate of ammonia, one-
fourth of an ounce of fluid chloroform, one-fourth of an
ounce of sulphuric ether. Pour a small quantity into a
saucer, put on the gloves, and wash, as if washing the
hands, changing the solution until the gloves are clean.
Rub them clean and as dry as possible with a clean dry
cloth, and take them off and hang them where there is
a good current of air to dry. This solution is also ex-
cellent for cleaning ribbons, silks, etc., and is perfectly
harmless to the most delicate tints. Do not get near
the fire when using, as the benzine is very inflammable.
Washing the gloves in turpentine, the same as above,
is also a good means of cleaning them.
PERSPIRATION.
To remove the unpleasant odor produced by perspira-
tion, put two tablespoonf uls of the compound spirit of
ammonia in a basin of water, and use it for bathing. It
leaves the skin clear, sweet and fresh as one could wish.
It is perfectly harmless, very cheap, and is recommended
on the authority of an experienced physician.
TO REMOVE FLESH WORMS.
Flesh worms, or little black specks, which appear on
the nose, may be removed by washing in warm water,
drying with a towel, and applying a wash of cologne
396 TOILET KECIPES.
and liquor of potash, made of three ounces of the former
to one ounce of the latter.
CHAPPED LIPS.
Oil of roses four ounces, white wax one ounce, sper-
maceti half an ounce^ melt in- a glass vessel, stirring
with a wooden spoon, and pour into a china or glass cup.
RECIPES FOR THE CARE OF THE TEETH.
A remedy for unsound gums, is a gargle made of one
ounce of coarsely powdered Peruvian bark steeped in
half a pint of brandy for two weeks. Put a teaspoonf ul
of this into a tablespoonful of water, and gargle the
mouth twice a day.
The ashes of stale bread, thoroughly burned, is said
to make a good dentifrice.
The teeth should be carefully brushed after every
meal, as a means of preserving a sweet breath. In
addition, a small piece of licorice may be dissolved in
the mouth, which corrects the effects of indigestion.
Licorice has no smell, but simply corrects ill-flavored
odor.
A good way to clean teeth is to dip the brush in
water, rub it over white castile soap, then dip it in pre-
pared chalk, and brush the teeth briskly.
To beautify the teeth, dissolve two ounces of borax
in three pints of boiling water, and before it is cold, add
one teaspoonful of spirits of camphor; bottle for use.
Use a teaspoonful of this with an equal quantity of warm
water.
TOILET RECIPES. 397
TO MAKE COLD CREAM.
Five ounces oil of sweet almonds, three ounces sperma-
ceti, half an ounce of white wax, and three to five drops
ottar of roses. Melt together in a shallow dish over hot
water. Strain through a piece of muslin when melted,
and as it begins to cool, beat it with a silver spoon until
cold and snowy white. For the hair use seven ounces
of oil of almonds instead of five.
REMEDY FOR BLACK TEETH.
Take equal parts of cream of tartar and salt, pulverize
it and mix it well. Wash the teeth in the morning and
rub them well with the powder.
TO CLEANSE THE TEETH AND GUMS.
Take an ounce of myrrh in fine powder, two table-
spoonfuls of honey, and a little green sage in very fine
powder; mix them well together, and wet the teeth and
gums with a little, twice a day.
CHAPTER XXXIV.
, (Saraes, Qmnssmznts.
HERE is a great variety of games,
sports and amusements for both out-
door and in-door entertainment, in
which both sexes mingle for pleas-
ure, and brief mention is here made
of some of these.
ARCHERY.
The interest that has been recently
awakened in this country in archery, is
worthy of mention. As a graceful, health-
ful and innocent sport, it has no equal among
any of the games that have been introduced,
where both sexes participate. Our young and
middle aged ladies too often neglect out-door physical
exertion, which is essential to acquiring strength of
limbs and muscle, and a gracefulness of carriage which
is dependent thereon. It is a mistaken idea that with
youth all indulgence in physical recreation should cease,
On the contrary, such exercises as are most conducive
(398)
SPOKTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 399
to health, and are attended with pleasure, might with
propriety be kept up by young women as well as by
young men, as a means of retaining strength and elas-
ticity of the muscles; and, instead of weak, trembling
frames and broken down constitutions, in the prime of
life, a bright, vigorous old age would be the reward.
The pursuit of archery is recommended to both young
and old, male and female, as having advantages far su-
perior to any of the out-door games and exercises, as a
graceful and invigorating pastime, developing in ladies
a strong constitution, perfection of sight at long range,
and above all, imparting to the figure a graceful appear-
ance and perfect action of the limbs and chest. Let the
women of this country devote some of their spare hours
to this pleasant, health-giving sport, and their reward
will be bright, ruddy faces, elasticity of movement, and
strong and vigorous constitutions.
IMPLEMENTS FOE AKCHERY.
For the purposes of archery, the implements required
are the bow, arrows, targets, a quiver pouch and belt,
an arm-guard or brace, a shooting glove or finger tip,
and a scoring card.
The bow is from five to six feet long, made of lance-
wood or locust. Spanish yew is considered the choicest,
next comes the Italian, then the English yew; lance-
wood and lancewood backed with hickory are used more
than any other. In choosing a bow, get the best you
can afford, it will prove the cheapest in the end. Men
should use bows six feet long, pulling from forty to
4:00 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS.
sixty pounds, and ladies bows of five feet or five feet
six inches in length, and pulling from twenty-five to
forty pounds. The arrows are generally of uniform
thickness throughout, and are made of pine; the finest
grades being made of white deal, with sharp points of
iron or brass. They are from 25 to 30 inches in length.
The quiver belt is worn round the waist, and contains
the arrows which are being used. The arm is protected
from the blow of the string by the "arm-guard," a
broad guard of strong leather buckled on the left wrist
by two straps. A shooting-glove is worn on the right
hand to protect the fingers from soreness in drawing the
string of the bow.
The target consists of a circular, thick mat of straw,
from two to four feet in diameter, covered with canvas,
painted in a series of circles. The inner circle is a gold
color, then comes red, white, black, and the outer circle
white. The score for a gold hit is nine; the red 7; the
inner white 5; the black 3, and the outer white 1.
The use of the bow and arrows, the proper manner of
holding them, and directions for shooting are to be
found in pamphlets of instruction, which often accom-
pany the implements.
ARCHERY CLUBS AND PRACTICE.
In many cities and villages throughout the country,
clubs have been formed, and regular days for practice
and prize shooting are appointed. Each member of the
the club is expected to furnish his or her own imple-
SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 401
ments, and to attend all the practice meetings and prize
shootings. The clubs are about equally divided as to
ladies and gentlemen, as both sexes participate equally
in the sport. The officers are such as are usually chosen
in all organizations, with the addition of a Lady Para-
mount, a scorer, and a Field Marshal. The lady para-
mount is the highest office of honor in the club. She is
expected to act as an umpire or judge in all matters of
dispute that may come up in the club, and her decisions
must be regarded as final. She is also expected to do
all in her power to further the interests of the organiza-
tion. A field marshal has been appointed by some clubs,
and his duties are to place the targets, measure the
shooting distances, and have general supervision of the
iield on practice days. The scorer keeps a score of each
individual member of the club.
In meeting for practice, it is customary to have one
target for every six, eight or ten persons, the latter
number being sufficient for any one target. The tar-
gets are placed at any distance required, from thirty to
one hundred yards; ladies being allowed an advantage
of about one-fourth the distance in shooting. To be-
ginners, a distance of from twenty-five to forty yards
for gentlemen, and twenty to thirty for ladies, is suffi-
cient, and this distance may be increased as practice is
acquired. An equal number of ladies and gentlemen
usually occupy one target, and each shoots a certain
number of arrows as agreed upon, usually from three to
six, a score being kept as the target is hit. After each
person has shot the alloted number of arrows, it is re-
402 EPOETS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS.
garded as an "end," and a certain number of ends, as
agreed upon, constitute a "round." For prize shooting,
the National Archery Association has established three
rounds, known as the "York Round," the "American
Round," and the "Columbia Round" (for ladies). The
"York Round" consists of 72 arrows at 100 yards, 48
at 80 yards, and 24 at 60 yards. The "American
Round" consists of 30 arrows, each at 60, 50 and 40
yards respectively, and the "Columbia Round" (for
ladies), 24 arrows, each at 50, 40 and 30 yards respec-
tively. A captain is appointed for each target, who
designates a target scorer, and the gentleman who makes
the largest score, is appointed captain of the target at
the succeeding meeting. The target scorer, at the close
of the round, hands the score to the official scorer, who
announces the result at the next meeting of the club.
Some clubs have adopted the plan of having every alter-
nate meeting for prize shooting, awarding some small
token to the lady and gentleman who makes the highest
scores.
Ladies' costume for archery may be more brilliant
than for an ordinary walking dress, and are usually
trimmed with green and gold color, and in many cases
a green jacket is worn. The costumes are short enough
for convenience in movement, and made so as to give
free and easy movement of the arms.
LAWN-TENNIS.
Amongst .all games, none, perhaps can so justly lay
claim to the honor of antiquity as tennis. The ancient
8POKTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 403
Greeks played it, the Romans knew it as pila, and ever
since those days, with little intermission, the game has
been played in many European countries. After a long
season of rest, the game has now re-appeared in all the
freshness of renewed youth. There are many points to
be said to commend tennis. Both ladies and gentlemen
can join in the game, and often the palm will be borne
off by the " weaker, yet fairer " sex. The exercise re-
quired to enjoy the game is not in any way of an ex-
hausting character, and affords ladies a training in grace-
ful and charming movements. Lawn-tennis may be
played either in summer or winter, and in cold weather,
if the ground be dry, is a very agreeable out-door rec-
reation. At a croquet or garden party it is certainly a
desideratum.
The requisites for playing lawn-tennis, are a lawn or
level surface about 45 by 100 feet, as the "court" upon
which the playing is done is 27 by 78 feet. A net four
or five feet in height and 27 feet long, divides the court.
A ball made of india rubber and covered with cloth,
and a "racket" for each player are the implements
needed for playing. The racket is used for handling
the ball, and is about two feet in length, with net work
at the outer end, by means of which the ball is tossed
from one place to another. Rules for playing the game
are obtained with the implements needed, which can be
procured from dealers in such lines of goods.
SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS.
i
CROQUET.
The game of croquet is played by opposite parties, of
one or more on a side, each player being provided with
a mallet and her own ball which are distinguished by
their color.
The players in their turn place their ball a mallet's
length from the starting stake, and strike it with the mal-
let, the object being to pass it through the first one or two
hoops. The turning or upper stake must be struck with
the ball before the player can pass her ball through the
returning hoops, and on returning to the starting point
the ball must hit the starting stake before the player is
the winner. The one who passes through all the hoops
and gets her ball to the starting stake first is the winner.
We do not give the rules of the game as each croquet
set is accompanied by a complete set of rules.
"Where four are playing, two of whom are gentlemen,
one lady and gentleman usually play as partners. As it
is the height of ill-manners to display any rudeness, no
lady or gentleman will be so far forgetful as to be-
come angry should the opposing parties be found
" cheating."
Invitations to a croquet party may be of the same
form as invitations to any other party.
BOATING.
Where there is a sufficiently large body or stream of
water to admit of it, boating is a very enjoyable recre-
ation, which may be pursued by both ladies and gentle-
SPOETS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 405
men. There is much danger in sailing, and the proper
management of a sail-boat requires considerable tact
and experience. Rowing is safer, but caution should be
observed in not over-loading the boat. A gentleman
should not invite ladies to ride on the water unless he is
thoroughly capable of managing the boat. Rowing is
a healthful and delightful recreation, and many ladies
become expert and skillful at it. Every gentleman
should have some knowledge of rowing, as it is easily
acquired. If a gentleman who is inexperienced in row-
ing, goes out with other gentlemen in a boat, he should
refrain from any attempt to row, as he will only display
his awkwardness, and render the ride uncomfortable to
his companions.
In rowing with a friend, it is polite to offer him the
" stroke " oar, which is the post of honor.
When two gentlemen take a party of ladies out for a
row, one stands in the boat to steady it and offer assis-
tance to the ladies in getting seated, and the other aids
from the wharf.
A lady's dress for rowing should be one which will
give perfect freedom to her arm; a short skirt, stout
boots, and hat with sufficient brim to protect her face
from the sun.
PICNICS.
While ladies and gentlemen never forget their good
manners, and are always polite and courteous, yet at
picnics they are privileged to relax many of the forms
and ceremonies required by strict etiquette. Here men
406 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS.
and women mingle for a day of pleasure in the woods or
fields, or on the water, and it is the part of all who
attend to do what they can for their own and their
neighbor's enjoyment. Hence, formal introductions
and other ceremonies need not stand in the way of en-
joyment either by ladies or gentlemen, and at the same
time no act of rudeness should occur to mar the pleas-
ure of the occasion. It is the duty of gentlemen to do
all they can to make the occasion enjoyable and even
mirthful. They should also look to providing the means
of conveyance to and from the spot selected for the fes-
tivities, make such arrangements as are necessary in the
way of providing music, games, boats, and whatever else
is needed to enhance the pleasure of the day. The
ladies provide the luncheon or dinner, which is spread
upon the grass or eaten out of their baskets, and at
which the restraints of the table are withdrawn. At
picnics, gentlemen become the servants as well as the
escorts and guides of the ladies, and perform such ser-
vices for ladies in the way of procuring flowers, carrying
baskets, climbing trees, baiting their fish-hooks, and
many other things as are requested of them.
PBIVATE THEATRICALS.
Private theatricals may be made very pleasing and
instructive entertainments for fall or winter evenings,
among either young or married people. They include
charades, proverbs, tableaux, dramatic readings, and
the presentation of a short dramatical piece, and may
SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 407
successfully be given in the parlor or drawing room.
The hostess seeks the aid of friends in the preparation
of her arrangements, and if a drama has been deter-
mined upon, she assigns the various parts to each.
Her friends should aid her in her efforts by giving her
all the assistance they can, and by willingly and good-
naturedly complying with any request she may make,
accepting the parts allotted to them, even if they are
obscure or distasteful. They should endeavor to per-
form their part in any dramatical piece, tableau or
charade as well as possible, and the success they achieve
will determine how conspicuous a part they may be
called upon to perform at a subsequent time. The
hostess should consult each performer before alloting a
part, and endeavor to suit each one. The host or hostess
should not have any conspicuous part assigned them,
unless it is urged by all the other performers. Those
who are to participate, should not only learn their parts,
but endeavor to imbue themselves with the spirit of the
character they personate, so as to afford pleasure to all
who are invited to witness its performance. When per-
sons have consented to participate in any such entertain-
ment, only sickness or some very grave cause should
prevent them from undertaking their part. Supper or
refreshments usually follow private theatricals, of which
both the performers and invited guests are invited to
partake, and the remainder of the evening is spent in
social intercourse.
408 * SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS.
ETIQUETTE OF CAED PLATING.
Never urge any one who seems to be unwilling to
play a game of cards. They may have conscientious
scruples in the matter, which must be respected.
If you have no scruples of conscience, it is not courte-
ous to refuse, when a game cannot be made up without
you.
You may refuse to play if you do not understand the
game thoroughly. If, however, you are urged to try,
and your partner and opponents offer to instruct you,
you may accede to their requests, for in so doing, you
will acquire a better knowledge of the game.
Married and elderly people take precedence over
young and unmarried people, in a game of cards.
It is the privilege of the host and hostess to suggest
cards as a means of amusement for the guests. The
latter should never call for them.
" Whist " is a game of cards so-called, because it re-
quires silence and close attention. Therefore in playing
this game, you must give your whole attention to the
cards, and secure at least comparative silence. Do not
suggest or keep up any conversation during a game,
which will distract your own mind or the mind of others
from the game.
Never hurry any one who is playing. In endeavoring
to play their best, they should take their own time,
without interruption.
Betting at cards is vulgar, partakes of the nature of
gambling, and should at all times be avoided.
8POKTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS.
Never finger the cards while they are being dealt, nor
take up any of them until all are dealt out, when you
may take your own cards and proceed to play.
In large assemblies it is best to furnish the cards and
tables, and allow guests to play or not, at their option,
the host and hostess giving their assistance in seeking
for people disposed to play, and in making up a game.
In giving card parties, new cards should be provided oa
every occasion.
CHAPTER XXXV.
OW beautiful and yet how cheap are
flowers! Not exotics, but what are
called common flowers. A rose, for
instance, is among the most beautiful
of the smiles of nature. The " laugh-
ing flowers," exclaims the poet. But
there is more than gayety in bloom-
ing flowers, though it takes a wise man
to see the beauty, the love, and the adap-
tation of which they are full.
What should we think of one who had
invented flowers, supposing that, before him,
flowers were unknown? Would he not be
regarded as the opener-up of a paradise of new
delight ? Should we not hail the inventor as a genius,
as a god ? And yet these lovely offsprings of the earth
have been speaking to man from the first dawn of his
existence until now, telling him of the goodness and
wisdom of the Creative Power, which bid the earth
bring forth, not only that which was useful as food, but
also flowers, the bright consummate flowers to clothe it
in beauty and joy!
(410)
FLOWERS.
" The meanest flower that blows can give
Thoughts that do of tea lie too deep for teal*. 1
THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWKRS. 411
Bring one of the commonest field-flowers into a room,
place it on a table, or chimney -piece, and you seem to
have brought a ray of sunshine into the place. There
is a cheerfulness about flowers. What a delight are
they to the drooping invalid! They are a sweet enjoy-
ment, coming as messengers from the country, and
seeming to say, "Come and see the place where we
grow, and let your heart be glad in our presence."
There is a sentiment attached to flowers, and this
sentiment has been expressed in language by giving
names to various flowers, shrubs and plants. These
names constitute a language, which may be made the
medium of pleasant and amusing interchange of thought
between men and women. A bouquet of flowers and
leaves may be selected and arranged so as to expivss
much depth of feeling to be truly a poem. We pre-
sent herewith a list of many flowers and plants, to
which, by universal consent, a sentiment has become
attached.
Acacia Concealed love.
Acacia, Rose Friendship.
Acanthus Arts.
Adonis Vernalis Bitter memories.
Agnus Casus Coldness.
Agrimony Thankfulness.
Almond Hope.
Aloe Superstition.
Althea Consumed by love.
Alyssum, Sweet Worth beyond beauty.
Amaranth Immortality.
Amaryllis Splendid beauty.
Ambrosia Love returned.
Anemone Expectation.
412 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.
Anemone, Garden Forsaken.
Angelica Inspiration.
Apocynura (Dogbane) Inspiration.
Apple Temptation.
Apple Blossom Preference.
Arbor vitae Unchanging friendship.
Arbutus, Trailing Welcome.
Arum Ardor.
Ash Gran deur.
Ash, Mountain Prudence.
Aspen Tree Lamentation.
Asphodel Regrets beyond the grave*
Aurilica Avarice.
Azalea Romance.
Bachelor's Button Hope in love.
Balm Sympathy.
Balm of Gilead Healing.
Balsam Impatience.
Barberry Sharpness, satire.
Basil Hatred.
Bay Leaf No change till death.
Beech Prosperity.
Bee Ophrys Error.
Bee Orchis Industry.
Bell Flower Gratitude.
Belvidere, Wild (Licorice) I declare against you,
Bilberry Treachery.
Birch Tree Meekness.
Black Bryony Be my support.
Bladder-Nut Tree Frivolous amusement?
Blue Bottle Delicacy.
Borage Bluntness.
Box Constancy.
Briers Envy.
Broken Straw Constancy.
Broom Neatness.
Buckbean Calm repose.
Bugloss Falsehood.
Burdock Importunity.
THE LANGUAGE OF FLO WEBS. 413
Buttercup Riches.
Cactus Thou leavest me.
Calla Lilly Feminine beauty.
Calycanthus Benevolence.- *
Camelia Pity.
Camomile Energy in action.
Candytuft Indifference.
Canterbury Bell Gratitude.
Cape Jasmine Gardenia Transport, ecstasy.
Cardinal Flower Distinction.
Carnation, Yellow Disdain.
Catchfly (Silene), Red Youthful love.
Catchfly, White I fall a victim.
Cedar I live for thee.
Cedar of Lebanon Incorruptible.
Celandine Future joy.
Cherry Tree Good education.
Chickweed I cling to thee.
Chickory Frugality.
China Aster I will think of thee.
China, Pink Aversion.
Chrysanthemum, Rose In love.
Chrysanthemum. White Truth.
Chrysanthemum, Yellow Slighted love.
Cinquefoil Beloved child.
Clematis Artifice.
Clover, Red Industry.
Coboaa Gossip.
Coxcomb Foppery.
Colchium My best days fled.
Coltsfoot Justice shall be done you.
Columbine Folly.
Columbine, Purple Resolved to win.
Columbine, Red Anxious.
Convolvulus Major Dead hope.
Convolvulus Minor Uncertainty.
Corchorus Impatience of happiness.
Coreopsis Love at first sight.
Coriander Hidden merit.
414: THE LANGUAGE OF FLO WEBS.
Corn Riches.
Cornelian Cherry Tree Durability.
Coronilla Success to you.
Cowslip Pensiveness.
Cowslip, American My divinity.
Crocus Cheerfulness.
Crown Imperial Majesty.
Currants You please me.
Cypress Mourning.
Cypress and Marigold Despair.
Daffodil Chivalry.
Dahlia Forever thine.
Daisy, Garden I share your feelings.
Daisy, Michaelmas Farewell.
Daisy, Red Beauty unknown to possessor
Daisy, White Innocence.
Daisy, Wild I will think of it.
Dandelion Coquetry.
Daphne Mezereon I desire to please.
Daphne Odora I would not have you otherwise.
Deadleaves Sadness.
Diosma Usefulness.
Dittany Birth.
Dock Patience.
Dodder Meanness.
Dogwood Flowering (Cornus) Am I indifferent to
you?
Ebony Hypocrisy.
Eglantine I wound to heal.
Elder Compassion.
Elm Dignity.
Endine Frugality.
Epigrea, Repens (Mayflower) Budding beauty.
Eupatoriutn Delay.
Evening Primrose Inconstancy.
Evergreen Poverty.
Everlasting (Graphalium) Never ceasing memory.
Filbert Reconciliation.
Fir Tree Elevation.
THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 415
Flax I feel your kindness.
Flora's Bell Without pretension.
Flowering Reed Confide in heaven.
Forget-me-not True love.
Foxglove Insincerity.
Fraxinella Fire.
Fritilaria (Guinea-hen Flower) Persecution.
Furze Anger.
Fuchsia The ambition of my love thus plagues itself.
Fuchsia, Scarlet Taste.
Gardenia Transport; Ecstasy.
Gentian, Fringed Intrinsic worth.
Geranium, Apple Present preference.
Geranium, Ivy Your hand for next dance.
Geranium, Nutmeg I expect a meeting.
Geranium, Oak Lady, deign to smile.
Geranium, Rose Preference.
Geranium, Silver-leaf Recall.
Gillyflower Lasting beauty.
Gladiolus Ready armed.
Golden Rod Encouragement.
Gooseberry Anticipation.
Goosefoot Goodness.
Gorse Endearing affection.
Grape Charity.
Grass Utility.
Guelder Rose (Snowball) "Winter,
Harebell Grief.
Hawthorn Hope.
Heart's Ease Think of me.
Heart's Ease, Purple You occupy my thoughts.
Hazel Reconciliation.
Heath Solitude.
Helenium Tears.
Heliotrope, Peruvian I love; devotion.
Hellebore Scand al.
Henbane Blemish.
Hepatica Confidence.
Hibiscus Delicate Beauty.
416 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEES.
Holly Foresight.
Hollyhock Fruitfulness.
Hollyhock, White Female ambition.
Honesty (Lunaria) Sincerity.
Honeysuckle The bond of love.
Honeysuckle, Coral The color of my fate.
Honeysuckle, Monthly I will not answer hastily
Hop In j ustice.
Hornbeam Ornament.
Horse-Chestnut Luxury.
House-Leek Domestic Economy.
Houstonia Content.
Hoya (Wax Plant) Sculpture.
Hyacinth Jealousy.
Hyacinth, Blue Constancy.
Hyacinth, Purple Sorrow.
Hydrangea Heartlessness.
Ice Plant Your looks freeze me.
Indian Cress Resignation.
Ipomaca I attach myself to you.
Iris Message.
Iris, German Flame.
Ivy Friendship; matrimony.
Jessamine, Cape Transient joy.
Jessamine, White Amiability.
Jessamine, Yellow Grace; elegance.
Jonquil Return my affection.
Judas-Tree Betrayed.
Juniper Perfect Loveliness.
Kalmia (Mountain Laurel) Treachery.
Kennedia Intellectual beauty.
Laburnum Pensive Beauty.
Lady's Slipper Capricious beauty.
Lagerstroema (Cape Myrtle) Eloquence.
Lantana Rigor.
Larch Boldn ess.
Larkspur Fickleness.
Laurel Glory.
JLaurestinus I die if neglected.
THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 417
Lavender Distrust.
Lemon Blossom Discretion.
Lettuce Cold-hearted.
Lilac First emotion of love.
Lilac, White Youth.
Lily Purity; modesty.
Lily of the Valey Return of happiness.
Lily, Day Coquetry.
Lily, Water Eloquence.
Lily, Yellow Falsehood.
Linden Tree Conjugal love.
Live Oak Liberty.
Liverwort Confidence.
Locust Affection beyond the grave.
London Pride Frivolity.
Lotus Forgetful of the past.
Love in a Mist You puzzle me,
Love Lies Bleeding Hopeless, not heartless.
Lucerne Life.
Lungwort (Pulmonaria) Thou art my life.
Lupine Imagination.
Lychnis Religious Enthusiasm.
Lythrum Pretension.
Madder Calumny.
Maiden's Hair Discretion.
Magnolia, Chinese Love of Nature.
Magnolia, Grandiflora Peerless and Proud.
Magnolia, Swamp Perseverance.
Mallow Sweetness.
Mandrake Horror,
Maple Reserve.
Marigold Cruelty.
Marigold, African Vulgar-minded.
Marigold, French Jealousy*
Marjoram Blushes.
Marshmallow Beneficence.
Marvel of Peru (Four o'clock) Timidity.
Meadow Saffron My best days gone.
Meadow Sweet Usefulness.
418 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.
Mignonette Your qualities surpass your charms.
Mimosa Sensitiveness.
Mint Virtue.
Mistletoe I surmount all difficulties.
Mock Orange (Syringia) Counterfeit.
Monkshood A deadly foe is near.
Moonwort Forgetfulness.
Morning Glory Coquetry,
Moss Maternal love.
Motherwort Secret Love.
Mourning Bride (Scabious) Unfortunate attachment.
Mouse-ear Chickweed Simplicity.
Mulberry, Black I will not survive you.
Mulberry, White Wisdom.
Mullein Good nature.
Mushroom Suspicion.
Mush Plant Weakness.
Mustard Seed Indifference.
Myosotis Forget me not.
Myrtle Love.
Narcissus Egotism.
Nasturtium Patriotism.
Nettle Cruelty; Slander.
Night Blooming Cereus Transient beauty.
Nightshade Bitter truth.
Oak Hospitality.
Oats Music.
Oleander Beware.
Orange Generosity.
Orange Flower Chastity.
Orchis Beauty.
Osier Frankness.
Osmunda Dreams.
Pansy Think of me.
Parsley Entertainment.
Pasque Flower Unpretentious.
Passion Flower Religious Fervor.
Pea Appointed meeting.
Pea, Everlasting Wilt go with me ?
THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEB8. 419
Pea, Sweet Departure.
Peach Blossom My heart is thine
Pear Tree Affection.
Peony Anger.
Pennyroyal Flee away.
Periwinkle Sweet memories
Persimmon Bury me amid nature's beaucies
Fetumca Am not proud.
Pheasant's Eye Sorrowful memories.
Phlox Our souls united.
Pimpernel Change.
Pine Time.
Pine Apple You are perfect.
Pine, Spruce Farewell.
Pink Pure affection.
Pink, Clove Dignity.
Pink, Double-red Pure, ardent love.
Pink, Indian Aversion.
Pink, Mountain You are aspiring.
Pink, Variegated Refusal.
Pink, White You are fair.
Pink, Yellow Disdain.
Plane Tree Genius.
Pleurisy Root (Asclopias) Heartache cure.
Plum Tree Keep promise.
Plum Tree, Wild Independence.
Polyanthus Confidence.
Poplar, Black Courage.
Poplar, White Time.
Poppy Consolation.
Poppy, White Sleep of the heart.
Pomegranate Foolishness.
Pomegranate Flower Elegance.
Potato Beneficence.
Pride of China (Melia) Dissension.
Primrose Early youth.
Primrose, Evening Inconstancy.
Privet Mildness.
Pumpkin Coarseness.
420 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEB8,,
Quince Temptation.
Ragged-robin (Lychnis) Wit.
Ranunculus Radiant with charms.
Reeds Music.
Rhododendron Agitation.
Rose Beauty.
Rose, Austrian Thou art all that is lovely.
Rose, Bridal Happy love.
Rose, Burgundy Unconscious beauty.
Rose, Cabbage Love's Ambassador.
Rose, Campion Only deserve my love.
Rose, Carolina Love is dangerous.
Rose, China Grace.
Rose, Daily That smile I would aspire to.
Rose, Damask Freshness.
Rose, Dog Pleasure and pain.
Rose, Hundred Leaf Pride.
Rose, Inermis Ingratitude.
Rose, Maiden's Blush If you do love me you will
find me out.
Rose, Moss Superior merit.
Rosebud, Moss Confessed love.
Rose, Multiflora Grace.
Rose, Musk-cluster Charming.
Rose, Sweetbriar Sympathy.
Rose, Tea Always lovely.
Rose, Unique Call me not beautiful,
Rose, White I am worthy of you.
Rose, White (withered) Transient impression.
Rose, Wild Simplicity.
Rose, Yellow Decrease of love.
Rose, York and Lancaster War.
Roses, Garland of Reward of Virtue.
Rosebud Young girl.
Rosebud, White The heart that knows not love.
Rosemary Your presence revives me
Rue Disdain.
Rush Docility.
Saffron Excess is dangerous.
THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEKS. 421
Sage Esteem.
Sardonia Irony.
Satin-flower (Lunaria) Sincerity.
Scabious, Mourning Bride Widowhood.
Sensitive Plant Timidity.
Service Tree Prudence.
Snapdragon Presumption.
Snowball Thoughts of heaven.
Snowdrop Consolation.
Sorrel Wit ill-timed.
Southernwood Jesting.
Spearmint Warm feelings.
Speedwell, Veronica Female fidelity.
Spindle-tree Your image is engraven on my heart.
Star of Bethlehem Reconciliation.
Starwort, American Welcome to a stranger.
St. John's Wort (Hypericum) Superstition.
Stock, Ten-week Promptitude.
Stramonium, Common Disguise.
Strawberry Perfect excellence.
Strawberry Tree (Arbutus) Esteemed love.
Sumac Splendor.
Sunflower, Dwarf Your devout admirer.
Sunflower, Fall Pride.
Sweet Sultan Felicity.
Sweet William Artifice.
Sycamore Curiosity.
Syringia Memory.
Tansy I declare against you.
Teasel Misanthropy.
Thistle Austerity.
Thorn Apple Deceitful charms.
Thorn, Black Difficulty.
Thorns Severity,
Thrift Sympathy.
Throatwood (Pulmonaria) Neglected beauty.
Thyme Activity.
Tiger Flower May pride befriend thee.
Touch me not, Balsam Impatience.
4-22 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWEE8.
Truffle Surprise.
Trumpet Flower Separation.
Tuberose Dangerous pleasures.
Tulip Declaration of love.
Tulip Tree Rural happiness.
Tulip, Variegated Beautiful eyes.
Tulip, Yellow Hopeless love.
Turnip Charity.
Valerian Accommodating disposition.
Venus's Flytrap Caught at last.
Venus's Looking-glass Flattery.
Verbena Sensibility.
Vine In toxicating.
Violet, Blue Love.
Violet, White Modesty.
Violet, Yellow Modest worth.
Virgin's Bower Filial love.
Wall Flower Fidelity.
Walnut Stratagem.
Weeping Willow Forsaken.
Wheat Prosperity.
Woodbine Fraternal love.
Wood Sorrel Joy.
Wormwood Absence.
Yarrow Cure for heartache.
Yew Sorrow.
Zennae Absent friends.
CHAPTER XXXVI
g touts.
OME of the precious stones and gems
have been given a distinct signifi-
cance by imparting a special mean-
ing or name to them. The ancients
besides considered certain months
sacred to the different stones, and
some people have considered this in
making birthday or wedding presents,
Below will be found the stones regarded
as sacred to the various months, with the
meaning given to each.
January Garnet Constancy and Fidelity.
February Amethyst Sincerity.
March Bloodstone Courage.
April Sapphire Repentance.
May Emerald Success in love.
June Agate Health and long life.
July Ruby Forgetfulness of, and exemption from
vexations caused by friendship and love.
August Sardonyx Conjugal Fidelity.
September Chrysolite Freedom from evil passions
and sadness of mind.
October Opal Hope and Faith.
November Topaz Fidelity and Friendship.
December Turquoise Prosperity.
(423)
424:
PRECIOUS STONES.
Of the precious stones not included in the above list,
the language is given below:
Diamond Innocence.
Pearl Purity.
Cornelian Contented mind.
Moonstone Protects from danger.
Heliotrope Causing the owner to walk invisible
University of California
SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY
405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388
Return this material to the library
from which it was borrowed.