3 
 
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 ENCH'S ACTING EDITION 
 No. 2611 
 
 Cupboard 
 Love 
 
 Costume Comedy in One Act 
 
 BY 
 
 HERBERT SWEARS 
 
 NET 
 
 I/' 
 
 NET 
 
 LOSDON: *w YOBS: 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. SAMUEL FRENCH 
 
 t6 SOUTHAMPTON STREET 
 STRAND. W.<X 
 
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 ONE- ACT PLAYS FOR LADIES 
 
 By HERBERT SWEARS. 
 Price is. each net. 
 
 THE YOUNG IDEA. Two characters. 
 
 TIT-BITS. Two characters. 
 
 TOO MANY COOKS. Two characters. 
 
 LADY INTERVIEWER. Two characters. 
 
 PANSY. Two characters. 
 
 GRANNY'S JULIET. Three characters. 
 
 As played by Mrs. Kendal, 
 
 WIDOWS. Three characters. 
 
 SUCH IS FAME. Four characters. 
 
 DOG DAYS. Five characters. 
 
 THE MERE MAN. Eight characters. 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, LIMITED, 
 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET, 
 STRAND. LONDON, W.C.a. 
 
 Made and Printed in Great Britain by 
 Butler & Tanner Ltd., Frame and London
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Krmr BELLAIES . . . .Of Drury Lane Theatre. 
 DIANA, LADY CHABTEBIS. 
 
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 The fee for each and every performance of this play by amateurs 
 is Fifteen Shillings, payable in advance to : 
 
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 Strand, London, W.C.2, 
 
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 plays contained in French's Acting Edition may be obtained 
 from MESSES. CHAS. H. Fox, LTD., 27 Wellington Street, 
 Strand, W.C.2.
 
 CUPBOARD LOVE 
 
 SCENE. The action passes at the house O/KITTY BELLAIRS, 
 situate at No. 3 Henrietta Street, Covent Garden, and 
 the Scene is laid in KITTY'S boudoir. 
 
 PERIOD. 1789. 
 
 (There is a door up L., leading to KITTY'S bedroom ; a door 
 up R. opens into a sitting-room. A door down R. leads 
 to the passage-way and street entrance. A door c. at 
 back masks a cupboard. The apartment is very beauti- 
 fully furnished ; ornamental tables and cabinets of rare 
 china are in profusion. There is a settee R. An 
 arm-chair L. Behind the arm-chair is a small table. 
 Several chairs are against the walls.) 
 
 (As the curtain rises, KITTY enters from her bedroom. She 
 is an attractive comedy actress much beloved of her 
 public. A distant sound of voices and some disturbance 
 is heard off R. KITTY pauses c. and listens. The 
 door down R. is then flung open and LADY CHARTERIS, a 
 very haughty beauty of that time, bursts into the room.) 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (at sight of KITTY, with a cry of 
 satisfaction). Ah ! Your serving wench was misin- 
 formed, it seems. 
 
 KITTY. Indeed ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I presume that you are Kitty 
 Bellairs, of Drury Lane Theatre ? 
 
 KITTY. Your ladyship presumes correctly. (She 
 curtsies.)
 
 CUPBOARD LOVE. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I thought I could not be mistaken. 
 
 KITTY. And you, if I mistake not, are Diana, Lady 
 Charteris, noted alike for her matchless beauty and and 
 her exquisite manners. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (grimly). I pray that my manners 
 may not belie my reputation the while I discuss certain 
 matters with you, Mistress Kitty Bellairs. 
 
 KITTY (with a tmnJde). Would it interfere with your 
 ladyship's intentions if we were to be seated ? (Indicates 
 the arm-chair L.) 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (glares, and seats herself on arm-chair 
 L.). Very well. 
 
 KITTY. That chair, madam, once belonged to Mr. 
 Garrick. He would have been much honoured had he 
 foreseen its destiny. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (insolently). First then, let me tell 
 you that I am not accustomed to be refused admission 
 when I choose to call upon a player. 
 
 KITTY (with concern). Is it possible . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. For reasons of my own, I wished 
 to arrive unannounced and unexpected. . . . 
 
 KITTY (with delicate irony). But welcome always 
 welcome, in whatever fashion it might please your lady- 
 ship to appear. (Crosses to settee.) 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Your wench had the effrontery to 
 lie to me. 
 
 KITTY (pretending to be shocked). La ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. She dared to tell me that you were 
 not at home. 
 
 KITTY. Her statement may not have been strictly 
 accurate. . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I say she lied ! 
 
 KITTY. But she will have it that I am more at home 
 on the boards of Old Drury than in this modern apart- 
 ment. A quaint conceit. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. It is indeed ! 
 
 KITTY. The critics, alas ! are not always of her 
 opinion. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Doubtless she had her instructions. 
 
 KITTY. As to that .
 
 CUPBOARD LOVE. 7 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (quickly). Maybe you had good 
 reasons for not wishing to be disturbed ? 
 
 KITTY (quietly). I had. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (rising triumphantly). Ah ! 
 
 KITTY (demurely). It pains me to admit it. ... 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. So I 
 
 KITTY. Still, 'twould be but foolish to deny it. ... 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (crosses c.). Foolish indeed ! 
 
 KITTY (with a sigh). Alas ! for human weakness 1 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I should use another term. 
 
 KITTY. Your ladyship is right ! I should have ex- 
 plained that the reason is not weakness but fatigue ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (contemptuously). Fatigue! (Crosses 
 down L.) 
 
 KITTY (moves c.)- I have been attending a rehearsal 
 at Drury Lane Theatre. The author was trying and 
 capricious. First this, then that. He would and he 
 would not. This line a shade quicker that one not 
 quite so fast. I know I can rely on your ladyship's 
 discretion a word of this abroad would be my ruin 
 but, truth to tell . . . 
 
 (A pause.) 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (down L., half back to audience). 
 Well? 
 
 KITTY. I am not as young as I would like to be ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Or as your costume might 
 imply. . . . 
 
 KITTY. Exactly ; and though I may not be as old 
 as my enemies would suggest, still, I must admit to 
 to a growing feeling of fatigue. ( Yawns behind her hand- 
 kerchief.) 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (crosses up to L. of KITTY). A 
 more regular life, maybe, might mend matters. 
 
 KITTY (blandly). Possibly, possibly ! and yet 'twere 
 better to be dead than dull ! Some, it is true, achieve 
 both ends (crosses R.) but they are authors for the 
 most part. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (with a sneer). And so fatigue was 
 your reason for desiring privacy ?
 
 8 CUPBOARD LOVE. 
 
 KITTY. Alas ! yes ! (Sits on settee.) 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. You are certain ? 
 
 KITTY. Oh, quite, quite certain. 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS. There is nothing else ? 
 
 KITTY. Nothing nothing else. 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS. Since your health leaves so much 
 to be desired since you are, in a word, so frail . . . 
 
 KITTY (demurely). Yes, your ladyship ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Is it wise, do you think, to enter- 
 tain so largely ? 
 
 KITTY. Your ladyship has read of my little parties ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. One hears of little else. 
 
 KITTY. I am flattered at such interest ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. You enjoy, with Elizabeth Farren 
 and Dorothea Jordan, a quite uncommon notoriety. 
 
 KITTY. Dorothea was in tears about it to the Duke 
 but yesterday. She vowed that I was receiving more 
 than my share. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. One hears, it seems, of nothing 
 else but your horses and your carriages ; your latest hat ; 
 your last mot ; your most recent coiffure ; your newest 
 costume, and . . . 
 
 (Pause.) 
 
 KITTY (demurely). Yes, your ladyship ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Your last love ! 
 
 KITTY. One really hears all that ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. One does. 
 
 KITTY. How intriguing. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. The world is vastly interested in 
 your latest dupe. 
 
 KITTY (innocently). My dupe ? 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS. I said your dupe ! 
 
 KITTY. Does the gentleman possess a name ? 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS. He does. A great one, of which 
 he is unworthy. Incidentally, I bear it too he happens 
 to be my husband. 
 
 KITTY. La ! 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS. He is a fop and he is a fool ! He 
 lives for his clothes. He dreams of cravats and spends
 
 CUPBOARD LOVE. 9 
 
 days in thinking out the latest angle for his hat. He is 
 the uncrowned king of fashion. His word is law. He 
 sets the mode and the beau monde follows at his heels. 
 A pitiful creature ! Yet he is my husband I do not 
 choose that you shall steal him. 
 
 KITTY (rises). I ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. He is worthless still he is mine ! 
 
 KITTY. Your your ladyship leaves me breath- 
 less. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. When you are recovered, perhaps 
 you will be good enough to explain. 
 
 KITTY. To explain what, your ladyship ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. His visits here. 
 
 KITTY. Certainly, his lordship has honoured me with 
 a visit. . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Ah! at last! (Moves L.) 
 
 KITTY (moves c.). Many of the quality favour my 
 poor house with their presence. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I know. 
 
 KITTY. All London admits your husband to be the 
 best-dressed man in town, and I have reason to know 
 that he is most good-natured ; but your ladyship need 
 be under no apprehension. I am not a receiver of stolen 
 property. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Why should he come here at all ? 
 
 KITTY. There was certainly a reason. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Doubtless. 
 
 KITTY. But your ladyship may be reassured. It 
 had naught to do with love. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. It has been reported to me that 
 my husband was seen leaving your house yesterday and 
 two days in advance of that, and Heaven knows how 
 many times before. 'Tis the gossip of the town. Last 
 night at my Lady Basildon's the company was agog with 
 it. 
 
 KITTY (with a shrug). Your ladyship knows how the 
 characters talk in Mr. Sheridan's comedy ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Full well. But I do not choose 
 that my affairs shall become a by-word. I will not have 
 it, do you mark me, Kitty Bellairs ? (Crosses to KITTY c.)
 
 10 CUPBOARD LOVE. 
 
 KITTY. I have already assured your ladyship that 
 his lordship has been here but once. 
 
 LADY CHAETERIS. May one ask the purport of his 
 visit? 
 
 KITTY. I desired his lordship's advice on a matter of 
 importance. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (contemptuously). His advice ! 
 (Crosses R. to back of settee.) The fool hasn't an idea in 
 his head, except for his clothes. 
 
 KITTY. If I dare venture, I think that your ladyship 
 is severe. His lordship gave me some information that 
 I greatly needed. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Indeed ! 
 
 KITTY. Oh yes indeed ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Would it be indiscreet to ask its 
 nature ? 
 
 KITTY. Ah ! there I must beg to be excused. . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. As I thought. (Moves up c.) 
 
 KITTY. I will merely add . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (stops). Well ? 
 
 KITTY. The result of our interview will be apparent 
 in a few weeks. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (grimly). So soon ? 
 
 KITTY. You will then realize the reason of my silence. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Passing strange ! 
 
 KITTY. Until that time my tongue is tied. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Vastly mysterious. 
 
 KITTY. Yet 'tis absurdly simple. So obvious in 
 truth, that it surprises me that your ladyship has not 
 already guessed it. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Will it be necessary for his lordship 
 to repeat the visit ? 
 
 KITTY (L.C.). No. I do not expect to be honoured again. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (up c.). Well, Mistress Bellairs, I 
 must perforce accept your explanation. 
 
 KITTY. Your ladyship is too kind ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I will confess that it does not 
 greatly satisfy me ; still, I must possess my soul in 
 patience, and be content. (Her glance travels round 
 the room.)
 
 CUPBOARD LOVE. 11 
 
 KITTY (smiling). Meanwhile, your ladyship may be 
 of easy mind. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (comes down a). Thank you, 
 Mistress Bellairs, you relieve me vastly. And yet, to 
 my own despite, I fear that this this enigma will 
 torment my thoughts. 
 
 KITTY. Oh ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Mystery is so fascinating don't 
 you find it so ? And the secret, you say, will be revealed 
 in a few short weeks ? 
 
 KITTY. Assuredly. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Suppose I were to learn it sooner ? 
 
 KITTY. Your ladyship has a clue ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. It may be. 
 
 KITTY. One knows that your ladyship is gifted with 
 rare powers of divination. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I will even venture farther. 
 
 KITTY. How far ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. No farther than this room. 
 
 KITTY. Indeed ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I have a fancy . . . 
 
 KITTY. Yes ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. That the clue lies here. 
 
 KITTY. Is it possible ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Already the pieces in the puzzle 
 are beginning to take shape. 
 
 KITTY (clapping her hands'). Bravaf 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Before I take my leave the mystery 
 may have yielded up its secret. 
 
 KITTY (again clapping her hands). Brava I brava ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. First permit me to offer you my 
 sincere congratulations. 
 
 KITTY. On what head ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. There have been some so foolish 
 as to decry your capacity as a player. 
 
 KITTY. Many, I fear. In truth, Mr. Sheridan is still 
 in two minds about it. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I shall take the first opportunity 
 of reassuring Mr. Sheridan. You are a great artist, 
 Mistress Bellairs.
 
 12 CUPBOARD LOVE. 
 
 KITTY. Your ladyship flatters me. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. You act so well, indeed both on 
 the stage and ofi that I will admit for quite ten minutes 
 you completely mystified me. 
 
 KITTY. A crowning triumph, truly. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. You have an engaging air of can- 
 dour and a sweet simplicity, quite invaluable to a 
 comedy of intrigue. 
 
 KITTY. Such as . . . ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Well, shall we say the little comedy 
 that you and I have been recently rehearsing ? 
 
 KITTY. Was that a comedy ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. It was. 
 
 KITTY. La ! so it was, and Shakespeare has already 
 put a name to it The Genius ! Of course, of course ! 
 " Much ado about nothing ! " 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. So far, our comedy has progressed 
 without a hero. 
 
 KITTY. Ah! there's the rub. Is he to be yours or 
 mine? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Before deciding, perhaps we had 
 best see him. 
 
 KITTY. True ! I beg that your ladyship vr ill produce 
 him. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Nay, I leave that task to you. 
 
 KITTY. But where am I to find him ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. You have but to look in this 
 direction, or in that. 
 
 KITTY (moves up c., smiling and pretending to search). 
 He seems monstrous shy. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (following). Come, Mistress Bel- 
 lairs, produce him, I beg. 
 
 KITTY (up L.C.). But where is the monster hiding ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (up B.C.). He will come if you do 
 but call him. 
 
 KITTY. What name shall I call ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. My husband's. 
 
 KITTY. What ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. My husband's ! Further pretence 
 is useless.
 
 CUPBOARD LOVE. 13 
 
 KITTY. Your ladyship cannot be serious. 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS. I was never more so. 
 
 KITTY. I have already explained the situation at 
 some length. If I have not succeeded in persuading your 
 ladyship, I am disconsolate. At the same time, I feel 
 that I am occupying too much of your ladyship's leisure. 
 May I have the honour of calling your ladyship's chair ? 
 (Crosses to door down R. and holds it open.) 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Before you do so, I would crave a 
 moment. You have explained much, it is true. Tis a 
 business in which you greatly excel. So greatly that, 
 perhaps, you may be able to explain this. (She picks 
 up her husband's cane that leans against a chair L.) A 
 charming cane ! I am informed that it took my 
 husband three months to compose the design. (Crosses 
 with cane to c.). 
 
 (KrrTY remains siknt.) 
 
 You bite your lip and have no word to say. Why 
 should my worthless husband leave his cane ? 
 
 KITTY. Might he not have forgotten it ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Oh, come, come ! Kitty Bellaira, 
 that is unworthy of you. Does a gentleman walk abroad 
 without his cane ? 
 
 KITTY (moves to back of settee). If you must know the 
 truth he lent it to me. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (laughs scornfully). A pretty tale 
 truly, and a likely ! So he lent it to you ? 
 
 KITTY. Yes. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. It seems that his lordship is not 
 the only one to lose his head. 
 
 KITTY. Since I cannot hope to convince your lady- 
 ship . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Well, well, we will pass the cane. 
 My husband is eccentric some say that he is mad. 
 We will allow that in token of his high esteem he permits 
 you to retain his precious cane. But that that does 
 not account for these ! (Picks up a pair of gentleman's 
 gauntlets from small table at back of arm-chair L.) Has he 
 also lent you these ?
 
 14 CUPBOARD LOVE. 
 
 (KrrTY is silent.) 
 
 These do not seem to be suited to a lady's hand. A 
 shade too large, methinks, for the dainty fingers of 
 Mistress Kitty Bellairs, unless rumour and my powers 
 of vision both deceive me. 
 
 KITTY. I admit that the matter is difficult of ex- 
 planation. . . . 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS (places gloves and cane on small table 
 at back of arm-chair L.). But not beyond your powers, 
 I'll warrant ! Come, let us hear. 
 
 KITTY. At the present moment I cannot give a 
 satisfactory answer. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Kitty Bellairs tongue-tied oh. 
 fie ! Kitty Bellairs, BO noted for her ready wit and 
 quick riposte. Reduced to silence by a pair of paltry 
 gloves ! Amazing ! I cannot credit my five senses. 
 A gentleman's cane and a pair of gloves to work such 
 havoc ! 'Tis tragic ! 
 
 KITTY (quietly). Let the play proceed ! Before the 
 curtain falls I may have found my tongue. (Moves 
 up c.) 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS. Let us hope so. 
 
 KITTY. The smile may even freeze upon your lips. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Come ! do you still deny that my 
 husband is concealed in your rooms ? 
 
 KITTY. I do. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. You require more proof ? 
 
 KITTY. Much more. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Doubtless I can oblige you. 
 
 KITTY. Would you like to search the house ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. An excellent plan. I will begin 
 with this room. (Moves quickly to door up R.) And I 
 promise you that my search shall be thorough. 
 
 (Exit.) 
 
 (During LADY CHARTERIS'S momentary absence, KITTY 
 moves to cupboard c., locks the door, and conceals the key 
 in her bosom.) 
 
 (Re-enter LADY CHARTERIS.)
 
 CUPBOARD LOVE. 15 
 
 Not there. Yet I'll be sworn he's hidden somewhere 
 near. 
 
 KITTY. Shall I summon my serving-maid to light 
 your ladyship ? 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS. To help hoodwink me eh ? I 
 thank you no ! This room ! (Moves to door up L., 
 looks in.) Hah ! your bedroom ! Excellent 1 
 
 (She hurries in.) 
 
 (KiTTY remains c. in front of cupboard.) 
 (LADY CHAETEEIS without gives a cry of exultation.) 
 
 What's this ? What's this ? Here's treasure trove 
 indeed ! A rare discovery ! 
 
 (She returns with a gentleman's hat.) 
 
 May one ask, Mistress Bellairs, what my husband's 
 hat- is doing in your bedroom ? 
 
 (KiTTY is silent.) 
 
 Has he lent it to you, or is it a souvenir of an agreeable 
 visit ? Oh ! there is no mistake ! His monogram is 
 embroidered within. Now, let me see I first discover 
 his lordship's cane, then his gloves, dyed his own peculiar 
 shade of grey, and now his hat. Will you be good 
 enough to inform me where I am likely to find the rest 
 of his wardrobe ? 
 
 KITTY. Your ladyship does not seem to need assis- 
 tance. 
 
 LADY CHABTERIS. Hah ! an inspiration ! I notice 
 that you stand before a door, Mistress Bellairs. 
 
 KITTY. I do. 
 
 LADY CHAETERIS. I have a feeling that what I seek 
 lies hidden on the other side. 
 
 KITTY. Indeed. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I hate to seem inquisitive, but 
 might one ask whither that door leads ? 
 
 KITTY. It leads nowhere. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Nowhere ! 
 
 KITTY. It is, in short, a cupboard.
 
 16 CUPBOARD LOVE. 
 
 LADY CHARTEBIS. A cupboard it only needed that ! 
 (Throws hat on to a chair.) In a comedy of intrigue there 
 is always a cupboard. Cupboard love is the theme of 
 half the dramatists from the Restoration downwards, 
 and you, Mistress Bellairs, who have adorned many such 
 a masquerade, are perfectly equipped to play your part. 
 The scene, then, is set. Come, Kitty Bellairs, the 
 moment has arrived for the denouement. 
 
 KITTY. There, your ladyship, I beg to differ. 
 
 LADY CHABTEBIS. Oh ! believe me, delay is fatal. 
 All else has been but preparation. The mystery now 
 is all but solved. Pray, open the door and gratify my 
 curiosity. 
 
 KITTY. I regret that I am unable to oblige your 
 ladyship. (Moves B.) 
 
 LADY CHABTEBIS. Then I must perforce probe the 
 mystery myself ! (Moves to cupboard door and tries the 
 handle.) As I suspected locked ! 
 
 KITTY (turning). Disappointing isn't it ? 
 
 LADY CHABTEEIS. Unlock the door ! 
 
 KITTY (demurely). I beg your ladyship's pardon! 
 
 LADY CHABTEBIS. Unlock the door, I say, or must I 
 beat it down. (Beats on the door.) 
 
 KITTY. The panels are of stout oak. I fear that your 
 ladyship will injure your hands. 
 
 LADY CHABTEBIS (moves to KITTY). You refuse me ? 
 
 KITTY. I regret to have to do so. 
 
 LADY CHABTEBIS. Why ? 
 
 KITTY. I have my reasons. 
 
 LADY GHABTEBIS. I can well believe it. 
 
 KITTY (smiling). Though they are not of the nature 
 you suspect. (Crosses L.) 
 
 LADY CHABTEBIS. This is folly ! The hand is 
 played, you have lost each trick. Why, then, not admit 
 defeat ? 
 
 KITTY (quietly glancing at cupboard). Because I 
 still hold the ace of trumps ! 
 
 LADY GHABTEBIS. Then play it if you dare ! 
 
 KITTY. I shall play it when I choose ! 
 
 LADY CHABTEBIS. My husband is concealed in your
 
 CUPBOARD LOVE. 17 
 
 rooms. I have proved it to the hilt can you deny 
 that? 
 
 KITTY. I deny it, with the utmost emphasis. 
 
 LADY GHARTERIS. Very well. I assert that he lies 
 hid behind this door. If I am wrong, disprove it. You 
 have but to turn the key. You decline ? 
 
 KITTY. I do. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. You dare not disclose your guilt. 
 
 KITTY. I will admit this much . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Ah ! 
 
 KITTY. The cupboard certainly contains a secret . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Ah ! 
 
 KITTY. But it does not contain your husband. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Does my husband share the secret ? 
 
 KITTY. Well . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Speak, woman ! 
 
 KITTY. I'm afraid he does. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I knew it ! 
 
 KITTY. If your ladyship knows it why trouble 
 further ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Because I mean to unmask the pair 
 of you. 
 
 KITTY. I see. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Don't play-act to me, Mistress 
 Kitty Bellairs ! I am in no mood for it. You must 
 think me vastly simple a child to be tricked by a 
 player's cunning. You women of the stage need putting 
 in your places. It amuses you to spread your nets, and 
 draw our husbands from us. To break hearts and ruin 
 homes for a mere caprice ! The time has come to make 
 an end on't. I, for one, will have none of it. Unlock 
 that door ! 
 
 KITTY. Having stolen your husband, your ladyship 
 suggests that I keep him in my cupboard to be put on 
 or off as the fancy takes me. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. You are pleased to be flippant. 
 
 KITTY. I think it but reasonable to presume that 
 your ladyship jests. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. You will find to your cost that 
 I am in grim earnest. You need a lesson !
 
 18 CUPBOARD LOVE. 
 
 KITTY. In manners ? 
 
 LADY CHABTEBIS. And in morals. 
 
 KITTY. And your ladyship has a mind to instruct 
 me ? (With a curtsy.) I am vastly obliged ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I am acquainted with Mr. 
 Sheridan 
 
 KITTY (pretending astonishment). La ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. And Lord Spenlove and the 
 Marquis of Kilroy, who stand behind him. 
 
 KITTY (still feigning surprise). Is't possible ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. My word carries some weight. 
 
 KITTY (pretending great distress). And your ladyship 
 proposes to to lay a complaint ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I'll break you if I can. (Moves R.) 
 
 KITTY (c.). Ah ! but your ladyship would not be 
 so cruel ! (Pretending great distress). You are a great 
 lady. I am but a poor player. You would not rob me 
 of my livelihood. Think what it would mean. Ruin, 
 desolation^-perhaps even death ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. The remedy is in your own hands. 
 Open that door ! 
 
 KITTY. Is there no other way ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. None. 
 
 KITTY (still playing a part). I implore you on my 
 knees. (Sinks on her knees.) Spare me, oh, spare me 
 the humiliation. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Have you spared me ? 
 
 KITTY. You drive me to desperation. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Reveal your guilty secret and 
 restore my husband, else . . . 
 
 KITTY (eagerly). Yes, yes ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. I proceed at once to my Lord 
 Spenlove, who is a particular friend of mine 
 
 KITTY (sobbing). Yes, yes 'tis common gossip . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (angrily). What ? 
 
 KITTY (hastily). That that Lord Spenlove has much 
 influence with Mr. Sheridan. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Well, which is it to be ? 
 
 KITTY (dragging herself to her feet). I am distraught. 
 Was ever woman so hardly pressed I
 
 CUPBOARD LOVE. 19 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Unlock that door 1 
 
 KITTY. Have you no mercy ? Will naught move 
 your heart ? 
 
 LADY CHABTEBIS (relentlessly). Unlock that door! 
 
 KITTY. Since you are adamant, deaf to all entreaties 
 I plead no more. (Moves to door c.) With a breaking 
 heart with eyes that are dim from unshed tears I 
 place the key in the lock, and call courage to my aid ! 
 Ah, me ! that I should have known this day. Mists 
 rise before me. The room revolves. Yet before my 
 senses leave me, I make one superhuman effort, and 
 throw wide the door 1 
 
 (She suits the action to the word. The cupboard door 
 swings open and reveals the complete outfit, of a man of 
 fashion, hanging from a peg. Goat, vest, cravat, lyreeches, 
 stockings, shoes, nothing is lacking. LADY CHABTERIS 
 gazes at the display in amazement. KITTY watehes her 
 antagonist, laughter dancing in her eyes. Then dropping 
 her eyes demurely, she murmurs.) 
 
 My secret, ma'am ! 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. What folly is this ? 
 
 KITTY. In truth, your ladyship, I am to appear as 
 " Sir Harry Hardup " in Mr. Daventry's new comedy. 
 It ahem ! (coughs) is what is called a breeches part, 
 and there has been some doubt as to whether my my 
 understandings were quite suited to the costume. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Well ? 
 
 KITTY. Mr. Sheridan referred the matter to the 
 greatest' authority on dress now living, your husband, 
 madam, saving your presence . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Well ? 
 
 KITTY. His lordship was good-natured enough to pay 
 me a visit, and after a little talk he felt himself able to 
 reassure Mr. Sheridan ; and more . . . 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. What else ? 
 
 KITTY. His lordship, anxious that my costume 
 should be correct in every detail, was kind enough to 
 send his valet with a complete suit of clothes to serve as a 
 model.
 
 20 CUPBOARD LOVE. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. Why make a secret of it ? 
 
 KITTY. "Tis my first appearance in a breeches part, 
 and Mr. Sheridan wishes no word of it to be breathed, 
 till the first night. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS (moodily). And suppose I reveal 
 this precious secret ? 
 
 KITTY (sweetly). Your ladyship won't do that ? 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. And why not, pray ? 
 
 KITTY. Because if you did, I should be compelled to 
 tell Mr. Pasquin, who would write a lampoon relating the 
 whole story of your ladyship's mystification, and un- 
 warranted suspicion. 
 
 LADY CHARTERIS. So ! Well, Kitty Bellairs, I accept 
 defeat. I hate you ! I hate you ! but I must admit 
 you're a clever jade. 
 
 KITTY. If your ladyship's star has not been in the 
 ascendant 'tis but a momentary eclipse. Kemember 
 that we poor players must use our wits, as strong men 
 use their swords. We have to play our parts, sometimes 
 maybe with tear-dimmed eyes, and aching hearts yet 
 we must not falter. We exist but to please. We live, 
 as do the butterflies, in the sunshine of your smiles. 
 Frown upon us and we wither. Hate us and we die. If 
 sometimes we snatch success from the discomfiture of 
 others, or turn a phrase to gain our ends, bear no ill 
 will. For such is the way of comedy. 
 
 (LADY CHARTERIS moves to door down R., turns and 
 looks back at her antagonist, her handsome face dis- 
 figured with a frown. KITTY, smilingly, makes a pro- 
 found obeisance, and on this picture 
 
 the CURTAIN falls.)
 
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