IREE WISE FOOLS JSTIN STRONG FRENDfcSftNDAR SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 WEST 45th St., New York MRS. PARTRIDGE PRESENTS Comedy in 3 aeta. By Mary Kennedy and Ruth Haw Aorne. 6 males, 6 females. Modern costumes. 2 interiors, Plays 2% hours. The characters, scenes and situations are thoroughly up-to- {kite in this altogether delightful American comedy. The heroin* W a woman of tremendous energy, who manages a business aa she manages everything- with groat success, and at hoin- sides over the destinies of a growing son and daughter. Hei Struggle to give the children the opportur b.erself had missed, and the children s ultimate revolt against her well-meant management that is the basis of the plot. The son who is cast for the part of artist and the daughter who is to go on the stags offer numerous opportunities for the development of the comi< possibilities in the theme. The play is one of the most delightful, yet thought-provoking American comedies of recent years, and is warmly recommended to all amat&ur groups. (Royalty on application.) Price, 76 Cents IN THE NEXT ROOM Melodrama in 3 acts. By Eleanor Bobson and H, Ford. 8 males, 3 females. 2 interiors. Modern costumes Plays 2 t / 4 hours. "Philip Vantine has bought a rare copy of an original cabinet and ordered it shipped to his New York home from Pari* When it arrives it is found to be the original itself, the pos session of which is desired by many strar.i- Before th<t mystery concerned with the cabinet s shipment can be clearer up, two persons meet mysterious death fooling with it and th* happiness of many otherwise happy actors is threatened" Mantle). A first-rate mystery play, comprising all the element* of suspense, curiosity, comedy and drama, iln the Ntxt Room is quite easy to stage. It ean be unreservedly recommended t* high schools and colleges, (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.; Price, 75 Cent* SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York Olty New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free ou R*qne*t Three Wise Fools A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS BY AUSTIN STRONG COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY AUSTIN STRONG, WINCHELL SMITH AND JOHN L. GOLDEN All Rights Reserved CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that "THREE WISE FOOLS," being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, Great Britain and Canada, is subject to a royalty, and anyone presenting the play without the consent of the owners or their authorized agents will be liable to the penalties by law provided. The ama teur acting rights of this play are strictly reserved and amateur performances may not be given any where without permission first having been obtained in writing from SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City. For professional productions, write to John Golden, 139 West 44th Street, New York City. All unauthorized performances will be prose cuted. NEW YORK SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 25 WEST 45TH STREET LONDON SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET STRAND Angelas Office SAMUEL FRENCH :< THREE WISE FOOLS ACT I SCENE : The living-room in an old house on North Washington Square. A distinguished room distinguished in its simplicity. The room is richly but discreetly furnished, showing rare restraint and good taste. What few things there are reflect knowledge and breeding. The furniture is well worn by honorable use early Victorian and very complete. Double mahogany sliding doors center leading to a spacious dining-room rear. Door rear R. leads into the front hall where we get a glimpse of a fine old cabinet and portrait. Window R. with heavy brocaded curtains. Stairway at L. rear first landing leading to library door the stairway then turns to R. and leads up to second landing, where a door faces audi ence leading to the upper hall. Fireplace L. betzveen fireplace and stainvay a door leading to the servants quarters. Sofa before fireplace small horsehair settee in front of table. Behind sofa, round mahongany table on which is an old-fashioned globe lamp with hanging crys tals. Telephone, magazines and evening papers are also on this table. Card-table center. Arm chair L. Small table with another glass globe lamp. 5 6 THREE WISE FOOLS Between hall door and dining-room a small cabinet full of books an old family album. A grandfather s clock stands at foot of stairs and ticks their lives away. A bell-cord hangs L. of the double doors. DISCOVERED : The curtain rises disclosing THEODORE FINDLEY, the senior partner of Findley & Co., Bankers, seated at the small green-covered card- table in the center of the stage, facing front. He is strong, powerful, with a fine head of white hair. He is laying out a game of patience from a double pack of miniature playing cards, with the same deliberation he has laid out his life and affairs. He is whistling as he plays an old-fashioned tune. DR. RICHARD GAUNT, the brain specialist and mem ber of the Rockefeller Institute, is seated on the sofa extreme L., before the fire, reading a medi cal journal. His back is toward FINDLEY and he sits in a circle of light from the standing lamp. He also is of late middle age thin, dis tinguished, polished. He has all the grace, poise and repose of manner which comes with the mastery of his profession. He has the surgeon s hands, beautiful in line and strength. He ^vears the red ribbon of the Legion of Honor in his buttonhole. Both are in snowy linen, as they always dress for dinner, even when they dine alone which is the rule. ( FINDLEY whistles his ancient tune, as GRAY enters L., picks u-p the telephone from round table L. of c., speaking as he does so.) GRAY. Mr. Findley. (FINDLEY glares at him over his glasses.) One of the men from your office wants to talk to you on the telephone. THREE WISE FOOLS / FINDLEY. (Whistles for some tune, then speaks) I ve gone to bed. GRAY. (In telephone) Hello! Mr. Findley has gone out for the evening, sir ! (Exits L., closing door softly after him.) FINDLEY. (Looking up from his game of pa tience, finds his cigar unlighted. Looks for matches on table then under it fusses about.) I say, Dick, have you seen the matches ? (Frowns at DR.GAUNT, who pays no attention then in a loud voice) I say have you seen the matches? (DOCTOR says noth ing. FINDLEY nods assent as if he d been answered.) Aha! (Fumbles about helplessly.) I had them here somewhere! (DR. GAUNT hears nothing, en grossed in his journal. FINDLEY searches among his pockets, looks under the table, knitting his mass ive brows in thought.) Now! I could have sworn I laid those matches right here on the er on the er (Lays his hand down on the corner of the table and right on the matches. Gives a sheepish glance at the DOCTOR and lights his cigar slamming down the matches.) DR. GAUNT. (Sighs with obvious satisfaction over paper) A ah good ! FINDLEY. (Cigar between his teeth as he con tinues his game) What s the matter with you ? DR. GAUNT. (As he reads) Oh, nothing at least nothing you could understand ! FINDLEY. (Growling) I think I can understand anything you can understand! DR. GAUNT. Hardly, I m reading from a medical journal ! FINDLEY. Umph! I should think, after cutting people up all day and lecturing about their brains, the last thing you d want to read would be a medical journal. DR. GAUNT. (With a smile) On the contrary. (Turning to FINDLEYJ I confess to enjoying my- 8 THREE WISE FOOLS self immoderately. (Turns back to his reading with pardonable pride.) Er I m reading one of my own articles! (Pause.) I call it the Unburied Dead. FINDLEY. The Unburied Dead. DR. GAUNT. The "Unburied Dead," or "A Psy cho-Analysis of Mental Grooves," and I contend (MRS. SAUNDERS enters D.L.J FINDLEY. (With a shrug) I don t want to hear any more. DR. GAUNT. (To himself) All right! (They continue as before. MRS. SAUNDERS stands at a respectful distance on FINDLEY S left. He continues his whistling. Then looks up at her annoyed.) What is it, Saunders? SAUNDERS. (Calmly, with a calmness born of many years) The silver lists, sir. (Hands him small red book. He takes it and throws it down wearily.) The weekly accounts. (Hands him a small black book. He takes it ^inth a savage frown,) FINDLEY. I ll look them over later. MRS. SAUNDERS. Yes, sir. (She starts to go L. he stops her.) FINDLEY. Saunders. MRS. SAUNDERS. (Coming back) Yes, sir. FINDLEY. Has the corn-meal from the farm run out? MRS. SAUNDERS. No, sir. FINDLEY. Then why didn t the cook give us Johnny cakes for breakfast this morning? MRS. SAUNDERS. I thought you d like a change, Mr. Findley! FINDLEY. (Turning on her) Saunders, how many times have I got to tell you that we don t like change in this house. We are three men of settled habits we don t want innovations. (Picks up cards.) I am the housekeeper here not you ! You THREE WISE FOOLS 9 have my complete list of the meals? (Resumes game.) MRS. SAUNDERS. (Calmly for she goes through this every evening of her life) Yes, sir. FINDLEY. (Plays and smokes savagely) Then stick to them ! MRS. SAUNDERS. (Long pause) Is that all Mr. Findley? FINDLEY. No that s not all. (Turns in his chair glaring at her.) The next time you engage a serv ant, Saunders, don t go to a lunatic asylum! (The doctor listens and smiles as he reads.) That new maid is a dumb-head ! MRS. SAUNDERS. (Shocked) Mr. Findley! FINDLEY. (Roaring at her) What does she do with my bed-slippers? MRS. SAUNDERS. I don t know, sir. FINDLEY. (Turning again at her loud in ivrath) Well, I can tell you (the doctor turns and listens) what she does with them. She hides them (the doctor smiles) she hides them on purpose ! I had to crawl under the bed on my hands and knees this morning for ten minutes, and then I didn t find em ! (The doctor chuckles.) I had to go to the bathroom barefooted ! (The doctor laughs. FINDLEY turns on him.) Barefooted! (FINDLEY fairly shouts this at the doctor.) Saunders, I won t stand for it- give her a good calling down fine her discipline her (the doctor turns front and listens) give it to her hot ! DR. GAUNT. Oh, come, she ll never be any good. (Rises, goes up to R. of SAUNDERS and gives her a confidential wink.) Saunders, you better have done with her on the spot and discharge her. MRS. SAUNDERS. (Wearily) Just as you say, gen tlemen ! (Looks at the doctor, and seeing his wink, smiles.) FINDLEY. (Grumbling shamefacedly the doc- io THREE WISE FOOLS tor turns again to SAUNDERS and smiles she smiles back at him.) No no no don t discharge her! It ll only mean we ll get a worse one. Bad as she is, I ve got used to her. DR. GAUNT. Oh, you better not have her around. FINDLEY. (Snarling up again) Not have her around? Why, that girl supports her mother! What s the matter with you, Dick you haven t any heart ! (Sternly) That ll do, Saunders ! MRS. SAUNDERS. Yes, sir! (Exits ~L.) (The doctor watches FINDLEY, then goes to the round table L. GRAY enters through sliding doors from the dining-room c. after FIND- LEY whistles. The doctor compares his watch with the grandfather s clock noting exact time of GRAY S entrance. (GRAY carries silver tray on which are a small carafe of water, a medicine bottle, a measured medi cine glass, and a glass spoon. Pie places this on small serving-table to R. of FTNDLEY. The doctor turns, watching GRAY. Exit GRAY c. FINDLEY looks at GRAY bringing on medicine, then takes out watch glares rear at GRAY and then lays watch on table continues game. The doctor watches this with quiet amusement. FINDLEY gives an occasional glance at the min ute hand. The doctor watches and a thought strikes him. He tiptoes up L V back of FIND- LEY to the table and quietly steals the glass spoon, returning to fireplace L., above sofa. (FINDLEY again examines his watch. Is satisfied the fatal moment has arrived, snaps it shut, puts it back in his pocket, whistles, shakes bottle, carefully holds up measuring-glass and with in finite care pours in the medicine to the exact mark. He then adds water from the carafe and feels for the spoon.) II FINDLEY. (With a growl) Umph ! (Looks about the table then on floor.) What in the name of (The doctor lau-ghs and rises during FINDLEY S speech, crosses to L. of him, laying his journal on the round table as he passes it.) What s come over the servants in this house that fool Gray has for gotten the spoon the spoon ! Of all the amazing idiots ! DR. GAUNT. (Calmly producing the spoon and handing it to FINDLEY) Here s your spoon. I took it! FINDLEY. (Turning on him, amazed, glaring at him over his glasses) You took it What for? DR. GAUNT. To prove a point in my thesis here on the "Unburied Dead" ! (Indicates magazines on table and laughs.) Teddy you re one of em! FINDLEY. What ? DR. GAUNT. For two years at exactly 8.45 Gov ernment time your right hand has reached for that spoon. ( FINDLEY starts to drink) For two years at 8.46 you have swallowed that medicine (Then FINDLEY drinks) and for two years it hasn t done you the least bit of good ! FINDLEY. (Splutters over his drink half swal lowed) Well, you prescribed it ! DR. GAUNT. Two years ago. FINDLEY. (After an anxious look at bottle) Oh ! Then you advise my changing the prescription? DR. GAUNT. (Oratorically) I advise our chang ing our whole mode of existence the entire ma chinery of our lives ! I ve suddenly come to the grave realization that you and I and the Judge are in mortal danger! Teddy, don t you see the awful significance of that spoon? Because it was not in its proper place the top of your head was in immi nent danger of exploding! FINDLEY. What s the matter with you to-night, Dick? You re queer! 12 THREE WISE FOOLS DR. GAUNT. No, Teddy we three are queer. We re deep in grooves we re chained by habits, har nessed by custom. We re knee-deep in ruts while flowered meadows beckon us on every hand! Ha, ha! (Walks L. a little way, laughing.) Ruts! Teddy, ruts ! FINDLEY. (Frowning. Card poised in air.) Ruts ! DR. GAUNT. (Turning returns) Yes grooves tracks paths trails don t you understand? FINDLEY. Not a damn word, and neither do you ! (Resumes game.) DR. GAUNT. (Laughing) Now, listen, Teddy. You play solitaire after dinner every night you swallow your medicine and drink your two cups of coffee with gruesome regularity. Promptly at 10.30 we have our apples and hot water and go to bed. You want to murder a maid because your bed-slip pers were not in their accustomed habitat and you growl if Johnny cakes don t appear for breakfast every Thursday morning! FINDLEY. (Sharply) How about you this morn ing when your eggs were too soft? DR. GAUNT. (Gaily) Of course, I m as bad as you are we re both, the Judge too all three of us are in the class I have named here. (Turns L.. picks up ma-gazine from, round table.) "The Unburied Dead." (Movement from FTNDLEY.) Oh, my God! I ve only touched the idea in this article. Now I realize that I ve stumbled on a great discovery. (Crosses L. to fireplace and smokes reads.) Dr. Osier nearly had it when he advocated chloroforming all men over forty. FINDLEY. Now you d chloroform us would you? DR. GAUNT. Well, that s not necessary. FINDLEY. Good ! DR. GAUNT. Because we re already dead. (Enter GRAY from c. with two coffee-cups and pot. THREE WISE FOOLS 13 Places one cup of coffee on table L., picks up other cup, walks back of the doctor and FIND- LEY and places cup on table R. of FINDLEY.J FINDLEY. Now, look here DR. GAUNT. (Turning to FINDLEYJ Yes, sir- dead as mutton we have ceased we have stopped (Puts magazine on table and crosses to FINDLEY. ) The wheels of our machinery are still revolving, but only on the momentum of the past. We re resting on our achievements we re living on what we have done and not what we are going to do. And worst of all we re satisfied. (The doctor has returned to fireplace.) FINDLEY. My God, Dick, how you do love to talk ! (GRAY takes medicine from small table R. of FIND- LEY. The doctor turns toward mantel looking in fire as GRAY starts toward door c.) FINDLEY. (Peering round the saucer) Where s the sugar, Gray? GRAY. (Sadly) In the saucer, Mr. Findley, as it always is. (Exits c.) DR. GAUNT. (Crossing centre gaily) There you have it ! As it always is ! Gray has sounded our dreary slogan! Ha, ha, ha! (Puts down pipe and picks up coffee-cup where GRAY left it on table. Stirs coffee, puts sugar in coffee and sits in settee front of table.) Teddy, there s a way out ! Science has proved conclusively, thanks to Carrel, that cellu lar tissue can live on indefinitely ; but it s our negative emotions which destroy us. Now, if we could be trained to supply the sympathetic system with a high order of tonic emotion there is no reason why the human family should not live on forever! (Drinks coffee.) i 4 THREE WISE FOOLS FINDLEY. (Drinking his coffee at the same time) Forever, eh ? I thought you said we were dead ! DR. GAUNT. (Sipping his coffee) Exactly we need to be galvanized into life throw off our chains, climb out of our ruts and roll among the buttercups ! (Drinks to the last drop.) FINDLEY. (Puts down coffee-pot on serving table kindly) "Roll among the buttercups !" Don t you think it s time you went to bed, Dick? (Re turns to his game.) DR. GAUNT. (Shaking his head with a smile. Puts doztm cup back of him on table.) No, all we need is inspiration. Something "to stab our spirits wide awake !" We need youth color danger ex citement revolution pain will do or riotous sin ! FINDLEY. (Stops card in airy Sin (Turns on him.) Now for the first time you interest me! (Leaning back in his armchair.) What would you suggest ? DR. GAUNT. W^ell, I m rather vague about such matters, but I can imagine something wicked (The doctor rises.) Champagne, champagne out of a satin slipper (Goes to FINDLEYJ something red headed ! (Kisses his fingers to the air.) FINDLEY. (Dryly) You flatter yourself. (GRAY enters from L. again picking up the phone.) FINDLEY. (Snarling) What is it, Gray ? GRAY. (Holding phone toward him) Mr. Gor don on the telephone, sir. DR. GAUNT. Oh, Gordon. (Crossing to L. of round table.) GRAY. He wants to know if he can see you to night? FINDLEY. I ve gone to bed. DR. GAUNT. (Picking up his journal) You mean to say you won t see Gordon? THREE WISE FOOLS 15 FINDLEY. I will not. I found a fine position for him yesterday, the chance of a lifetime! Wired him to be in my office this morning and this is the first time I ve heard from him. See him to-night I should say not! (GRAY starts to speak in phone.) DR. GAUNT. (Quietly going to GRAY) Gray, let me have that, please. (Telephoning cheerfully GRAY gets cup from table, goes c., takes small table from R. of FINDLEY exits c. with table.) Hello, Gordon! No, this is Dr. Gaunt. Yes, he s here come right over. Your uncle will be delighted to see you. FINDLEY. (Really angry) Now, look here, you DR. GAUNT. (Puts phone on table, crossing to FINDLEY interrupting him) Listen, Teddy you ll lose that boy if you re not careful. That was an olive branch accept it. Use a little tact! FINDLEY. (Returning to his game) Tact be damned ! What he needs is a club ! DR. GAUNT. Ton my word ! it s astonishing what idiots you successful men really are ! Here you are one of the richest men in the country, a power among men yet, when it comes to simple human wisdom you re a pitiful jackass, Teddy! (Starts down L.J FINDLEY. Thank you! DR. GAUNT. (Turning to FINDLEY, with back to audience) Well, look at you here s your sister s boy the only bit of flesh and blood left you in the world. The very apple of your eye and what do you do nag and persecute the boy morning, noon and night! FINDLEY. I guess I know how to treat my own nephew! DR. GAUNT. (Going to FINDLEY ) A little en- 16 THREE WISE FOOLS couragement a little affection would go a long way with him! FINDLEY. He s got too much money ! DR. GAUNT. (Laughs) Well, that s not his fault ! FINDLEY. Everyone spoils him but me because he s rich doesn t mean that he s going to escape work. I ve got a job for him (GRAY enters from R.J He may wear a silk sweater but I m going to see that he sweats! (GRAY comes down R. with a card on a silver tray.) GRAY. Beg pardon, sir a detective, sir! (Both start slightly. FINDLEY looks first at GRAY in sur prise, and then at GAUNT. ) FINDLEY. A what? DR. GAUNT. A detective ? (He crosses to GRAY, picks up card, donning his glasses.) J. Poole, Police Headquarters ! FINDLEY. (Tartly) Here, let me see that! (Takes card from GAUNT and reads, growling) J. Poole, Police Headquarters ! DR. GAUNT. Oh, he probably wants to see Judge Trumbull something to do with the Court, I dare say. GRAY. No, sir, he says he particularly wanted to see only Dr. Gaunt and you, Mr. Findley. (DR. GAUNT looks at FINDLEY. J FINDLEY. (Puzzled) Me? DR. GAUNT. (Laughs) Well, this is very inter esting! Show him in, Gray. (Crosses to L., front of round table.) GRAY. Yes, sir. (Exits R.J FINDLEY. (Examining the card) What does a detective want with us? DR. GAUNT. I don t know. (Laughing sits on settee.) My conscience is clear! FINDLEY. Umph ! DR. GAUNT. (Looking front) A detective is charged with possibilities. (Looks at FINDLEY.J THREE WISE FOOLS 17 Already he s doing you good ! A missing spoon dis turbed your sympathetic centres and now that mere piece of cardboard has thrown your entire involun tary system into a mad, seething tumult of molecu lar vibrations. (Takes handkerchief and polishes glasses. GRAY opens door R.) FINDLEY. Oh, for Heaven sakes Dick! (GRAY ushers in MR. POOLE, a quick, expression less man, neatly dressed. G^AV- stays in the room lingeringly, eyeing MR. POOLE. MR. POOLE comes doum stage to R.c. toward the two men. They watch him curiously. A short pause.) POOLE. (Boning) Mr. Findley! FTNDLEY. (Leaning back) How do you know my name s Findley? POOLEY. (With a meek smile) I guess we know every financier in town, sir. FINDLEY. (Sourly) You must have a vast ac quaintance. POOLE. (Steps down R. a little) There are not many in your class, Mr. Findley ! It s a great honor to meet you too, Dr. Gaunt. DR. GAUNT. (Laughing as he polishes his glasses) And so you ve detected me, too? POOLE. Yes, Doctor. We all know of your great work at the Rockefeller Institute and your discov ery of FINDLEY. (Interrupting him) Well er er (Picks up card) Mr. Poole, what is your business ? POOLE. (Glances at GRAY) What I ve got to say is private. (Turns and looks at GRAY. FINDLEY turns with a questioning look to the doctor, who in dicates GRAY with a slight gesture of his glasses.) FINDLEY. (Understanding) Oh! That will do, Gray! i8 THREE WISE FOOLS GRAY. (Disappointed) Yes, sir. (Exits door R. ) POOLE. Your butler tells me Judge Trumbull has not come home yet. DR. GAUNT. No, he is usually detained at Court on Thursdays. Did you call to see him? POOLE. No, that s just it. I don t want to see him. Commissioner Cornell asked me to try and see you gentlemen alone. You don t expect him in for a few minutes, do you ? FINDLEY. May I ask what the devil this is all about ? POOLE. The Commissioner sent me here to tell you gentlemen that (In a lower tone) pardon me a moment ! (Goes up to door R., opens it and looks out to see no one is eavesdropping.) FINDLEY. (To DOCTOR) What the POOLE. (Returning quietly) That we are watch ing the house. DR. GAUNT. Eh? FINDLEY. (In surprise) What s that? (DR. GAUNT rises, going to L. of FINDLEY.,) POOLE. The orders are to watch this house day and night. FINDLEY. Watch this house what for? POOLE. "Benny the Duck" has escaped ! FINDLEY. Benny the what? POOLE. "Benny the Duck," sir don t you re member him ? FINDLEY. (To the doctor, angrily) Do you know what he is talking about, Dick? Now, why should I remember "Benny the Duck"? POOLE. Why, it was a very famous case, sir tried before Judge Trumbull. "Benny the Duck," alias Benjamin Surratt. DR. GAUNT. Oh, yes I think I remember now he he was a forger, wasn t he? THREE WISE FOOLS 19 POOLE. Yes, sir. He broke out of Atlanta Prison two weeks ago, taking with him John Crawshay the bank embezzler. FINDLEY. (Surprised) Crawshay John Craw- shay! I knew him well went to college with him. POOLE. There s a big reward out for him, sir. The strange part of the case, sir, is the friendship between the two men for some reason we can t make out. When Benny broke jail, he took Craw shay with him. Now, that s very unusual consid ering the type of the two men. FINDLEY. (Interrupting him tartly) Without de siring to appear abrupt, Mr. Poole, may I ask what all this has to do with placing a guard around our house ? POOLE. Why, Benny has sworn to kill Judge Trumbull on sight, sir ! (They both start. FINDLEY rises and stands back of table c.) DR. GAUNT. (Under his breath) Heavens! FINDLEY. Good God! POOLE. You see, sir, Judge Trumbull sentenced him gave him twenty years and Benny swore the moment he d get out he d get him ! FINDLEY. And you say this Benny is in New York now? POOLE. Yes, sir. FINDLEY. (Anxiously) Great Scott, we d better warn the Judge at once what s the number of the DR. GAUNT. (Hurriedly) I ll get it, Teddy POOLE. That s not necessary, gentlemen. One of our best men is watching every movement of Judge Trumbull and I can assure you he s in no danger so long as he doesn t find out we re protecting him. FINDLEY. (Still standing) Why the devil shouldn t he find out? POOLE. If you remember, the last time the Judge was attacked was because he objected to personal 20 THREE WISE FOOLS guards if he knew about this, the Commissioner s afraid he wouldn t allow it. (The doctor and FINDLEY exchange significant glances. The doctor nods.) POOLE. So I hope I can depend upon you gentle men to say nothing to Judge Trumbull, also you ll not let the servants know the house is being watched. DR. GAUNT. (Goes to L.C., rings bell-cord for servant, then crosses R V looks out window curiously, deeplv interested.) We will be discretion itself, Mr. Poole! POOLE. Thank you! (Gives FINDLEY a police- whistle) Oh, you had better keep this police-whistle near you at night, in case you should want us in a hurry, just blow en it twice! (Stops himself as GRAY appears.) I think that s all, gentlemen ! Good evening. (Goes to door R.c.J Good evening. (Exits, followed by GRAY.,) DR. GAUNT. Good evening. (Rubbing his chin comes down, sits armchair R. j This is a queer busi ness, Teddy! (Laughs to himself.) FINDLEY. (Attaching the police-whistle to his gold key chain, sits.) Yes, I m afraid for Jimmy. I think we ought to tell him. DR. GAUNT. Nonsense ! We ve had this fellow s assurance that Jimmy s in no personal danger. FINDLEY. Well, I don t like it makes me feel creeps! (Shudders.) DR. GAUNT. (Laughingly) Good ! Then Benny the Duck s a godsend ! He could coax you out of a lot of ruts! Benny the Duck you know, I m be ginning to like that fellow! He may be hiding in this house this very minute! FINDLEY. (Looking around behind himself) What s that? THREE WISE FOOLS 21 DR. GAUNT. He could easily mistake your room for the Judge s! FINDLEY. My room! DR. GAUNT. (Gaily) Imagine how it would seem. Headlines in the morning papers with a dia gram of the house with crosses marked to show where your body was dragged ! FINDLEY. (Furious turning with a roar) Will you dry up? (DR. GAUNT laughs, sits -wiping his glasses and his eyes.) FINDLEY. (Looks about gingerly. The keys drop accidentally out of his hands with a loud noise; he gives a violent start, continues his game, then leans back.) You know, that s funny, though, about Crawshay I always liked that fellow. He went South after he left college and got into trouble down there. I never could believe that man was guilty ! Never ! (Door slams off stage R.U.E. FIND- LEY starts, spilling cards.) What s that? (DR. GAUNT rises, starts up to door R.J DR. GAUNT. Benny the Duck, of course. (Laughs.) FINDLEY. Be careful, Dick ! Don t go out there don t take any chances ! Where s that whistle ? (He looks about for it, while all the while it is hang ing in plain view on the end of his chain. He leaps to his feet as the door bangs open.) (Enter GORDON, a clean-cut young modern what is called a regular fellow.) GORDON. (In doorway) Hello, folks ! DR. GAUNT. Ah, it s your prodigal ! (Goes down R. chair, L. of small table R.) 22 THREE WISE FOOLS FINDLEY. (Sourly) Umph ! GORDON. (Gaily) I thought I d just drift in! (Goes to window R., looks out.) FINDLEY. (Putting keys in pocket then he sits with sarcasm) Drift yes, that s the word for you! GORDON. (Crosses to R. of FINDLEY cheerfully) Uncle, what s the matter around here are you run ning a gambling house? FINDLEY. What the devil do you mean ? GORDON. Why, as I came in I thought I saw a sleuth standing in the area way, and when I was stopped on the steps and was given the "once over" by a little man in a gray overcoat, I was sure they were Pinkertons ! DR. GAUNT. The house is being watched, Gor don. (FINDLEY starts new game.) GORDON. (Takes a step toward the doctor at R.) Great Scott! (Comes back to FINDLEY. ) Uncle, what have you been doing? FINDLEY. Umph ! GORDON. (Returning to the doctor) What s up, Doctor ? DR. GAUNT. Why, it seems that a dangerous criminal has escaped from prison and has threatened the life of Judge Trumbull ! GORDON. (Concerned) No ! DR. GAUNT. (Rising and crossing to L.) But we re told there s no cause for alarm they re on the fellow s trail and the Judge is being closely guarded, but he mustn t know anything about this. They re afraid if he does he will put a stop to it! (Picks up evening paper and settles into tlie sofa before the fire and reads.) GORDON. Well, this is thrilling ! FINDLEY. (Testily) It s all attended to all you ve got to do is to remember to keep your mouth THREE WISE FOOLS 23 shut and say nothing to anybody ! Now what brought you here? GORDON. (Turning to FINDLEY J Your telegram ! FINDLEY. You re twelve hours too late! GORDON. Why, I didn t get it, sir. FINDLEY. How did you know I sent you a tele gram if you didn t get it? GORDON. (Controls his temper and speaks quietly) I mean, I didn t get it in time! FINDLEY. (Growling) Why don t you say what you mean? GORDON. I m afraid I will in a minute. I found it when I got home this afternoon it was sent to my old rooms. FINDLEY. (Settles back in his chair, stops play ing) Oh ! So you ve got new ones now. The old ones weren t luxurious enough, I suppose ! GORDON. I don t know about that, sir. (Turn ing front.) I know they weren t big enough for our parties ! FINDLEY. (Hotly) I ll be damned if I ll ever be a guardian again. Here I ve got to manage your finances ; pay you your income you re of age and I ve no control over you and you can squander your life away and I can t say anything! If I had you in my office I d break your back ! GORDON. (Hotly) Don t you call that saying something ? FINDLEY. Where were you yesterday? GORDON. Out of town, sir. (Their voices mount almost in a quarrel.) FINDLEY. (Sneeringly) Something important, I dare say! GORDON. It was, yes. sir. DR. GAUNT. (Speaking over his shoulder tvith a sly diplomacy) Ah, yes congratulations, Gordon ! I see here your team won ! They ve got your name in the head lines. 24 THREE WISE FOOLS FINDLEY. Huh ! (Rises, goes over to the doc tor. Looks over his shoulder, reading turns smil ing stops as he sees GORDON looking at him. Makes a sour grunt and returns c.) Huh ! More of that confounded polo? (Sits.) GORDON. No, I ve quit polo! FINDLEY. (Taking up his game again) Thank Heaven ! GORDON. Until next season. Now, really, Uncle, this was important. The fellows wired me to come up to college and help whip the football team into shape for the final game. FINDLEY. Well, I wired you to come to my office. GORDON. I told you, sir, I didn t get it in time. FINDLEY. (Producing an official-looking envel ope from a black wallet) You give this letter to Mr. Schermanhorn in the Rapid Transit Department to morrow morning and tell him you ve come to work. (Hands him letter.) Here ! GORDON. (Looks at letter and retreats a step) You said I could have a six months vacation if I got my degree. FINDLEY. I only made that fool offer because I thought you had too much decency to accept it. What s come over you? Are you going to stay an idler all your life? The trouble with you is you lack discipline, character, backbone! GORDON. (Ruefully) I don t think I do ! FINDLEY. (Turning on him) Then why didn t you answer my telegram? GORDON. Because I didn t get it in time. FINDLEY. I don t believe you. GORDON. (Striding to him hotly) Now look here, Uncle I ve never lied to you. FINDLEY. (Rises in a loud tone) All right, the job s still open. Will you take it? (Holding out envelope, comes a little way toward GORDON. ) GORDON. No, sir! THREE WISE FOOLS 25 FINDLEY. You won t? GORDON. (With all his force) When I get ready to take a job, I ll take it but I won t be shoved into it. FINDLEY. (Throwing envelope down) Er ah umph ! Oh ! Where the hell are the matches ? GORDON. (Picks up matches and gives them to FINDLEY. Grimly) Here, sir. FINDLEY. (Curtly) Thank you. (Sits c., back of table.) GORDON. Now, you say I don t do anything! Why, I ve coached the best team the college ever had- FINDLEY. (Removing cigar from mouth) That s play not work ! GORDON. You try it, sir ! FINDLEY. True education is in learning to do the thing you don t want to do at the time you don t want to do it ... a real man has got to know what it means to get down on his ham bones and sweat, and you ll never amount to anything until you can stand up on your two hind legs and say no with con viction, and go to hell and mean it! GORDON. (Hotly) That s just what I am saying. FINDLEY. (Turning in his chair) You mean you re saying that to me? GORDON. Yes, I m doing what you want me to do and you don t like it! I m saying no with convic tion and all the rest of it. FINDLEY. (About to rise) Why, you GORDON. (Staying him by his attitude) Now you re angry because I don t see things your way ! FINDLEY. (Pushing his chair back) Well, how do you see it will you tell me that? GORDON. Well I I ve figured it out this way FINDLEY. (Almost singing his sarcasm crossing his legs, swinging a foot) Oh, he s figured it out! GORDON. Why should I work and slave to accu- 26 THREE WISE FOOLS mulate more of what I ve got too much of already? (FiNDLEY grunts.) I can never spend the money I ve got if I live to be a hundred. You and I have no right to work, Uncle why, we re keeping jobs from people who need em. FINDLEY. (In real disgust collapsing in his chair) Oh, my God ! (Sees the" doctor laughing to himself.) GORDON. Now, if I could find some work I liked. something that wouldn t bring in any money, you know I d be glad to work hard. (Doctor rises, goes up L. and conies L. of FINDLEY. ) DR. GAUNT. Now, Teddy, don t you see (Warning him silent.) FINDLEY. (White with rage) All right! All right ! All right ! All right ! He s said enough ! I take my oath (Puts letter back in wallet, then in his pocket.) You ll never hear from me again! I ve done my best now I m through. In the future you can do anything you damn please ! GORDON. (Hotly) And I certainly will ! FINDLEY. (Roaring) Now get out! (GORDON shocked to his senses stands a moment watching him. A pause both relent. FIND- LEY continues solitaire. GORDON stands irreso lute, looking at him shyly.) DR. GAUNT. (Who has been quietly watching these two, has wandered down L. of FINDLEY and has been pretending to watch his game, gently lean ing over and pointing to card unth a smile) Teddy, one doesn t put a red tray on a black queen ! FINDLEY. (Changing it) Umph ! (GORDON turns quickly and goes to window picks THREE WISE FOOLS 27 up coat and hat and starts for door. FINDLEY in pantomime shows his regret he is longing to call the boy back. He sits still, a card poised in air all ears and watching GORDON out of the corner of his eye. GORDON returns. FIND- LEY pretends to continue his game. GORDON stands beside him.) GORDON. I I m going now, Uncle. (Holds out hand. FINDLEY pays no attention continues game.) Shall shall we shake hands first? FINDLEY. (Ashamed to relent gives GORDON a short shake with the tips of his fingers and pretends to continue his game. GORDON goes to door. FIND- LEY would give anything to call him back, but is ashamed to. DR. GAUNT stops GORDON. ) DR. GAUNT. (Carelessly) Gordon won t you stay awhile and talk with me? GORDON. (Pauses irresolutely) I I d like to, Doctor, if Uncle wouldn t object. (Both look at FINDLEY, who continues playing.) DR. GAUNT. Object ! Why, nonsense ! This is my house also. (Realising that FINDLEY isn t going to speak, says quickly) Your uncle only represents a one-third interest in this establishment. GORDON. But if he doesn t want me here DR. GAUNT. Doesn t want you here, Gordon? It may interest you to know that, if you took your uncle at his word and left us, it would break his heart. So come back here and sit down ! (Taking away his hat and coat, which he puts in chair near window. GORDON pushes chair down stage and sits. FINDLEY promptly swings chair so its back is to GORDON. He also turns the table around. GORDON rises in anger. But the doctor speaks and stops him from going. Pushing him doum in his seat. GOR DON looks over at his uncle.) DR. GAUNT. I ve got something here I want to 28 THREE WISE FOOLS show you. (Goes to cabinet L. of door R. and brings down an old family album.) (FINDLEY glances over at GORDON and at the doc tor. Pretends to play.) DR. GAUNT. (Up stage) Gordon, you don t un derstand your uncle. (Takes album from book case.) He s only afraid you re going to waste your life. But I m not. (Comes down R. of GORDON. ) GORDON. Well, you re different you re a man of sense! (Gives a meaning look at FINDLEY. FIND- LEY half glances at him.) DR. GAUNT. (Looking at FINDLEY ) Thank you ! I have complete faith in you. (Takes chair from R., sits close beside GORDON R.J Few men dare stand up to that profane old wolf (Nods at FINDLEY J as you do ! That s something to your credit. (Pause unfastening buckles on album) Gordon, do you see that cold piece of human clay sitting over there? (GORDON nods, but doesn t look.) Take a good look at him. For there you sit forty years from now ! (GORDON looks at FINDLEY.) DR. GAUNT. At your age, he was exactly like you only wilder! GORDON. Wilder? DR. GAUNT. Yes, and as a psycho-analyst I can tell you that forty years from now you will have the same habits the same body and face and temper and be settled in the same ruts as that terrible result of a well-ordered life sitting over there stewing in his own iniquity ! (Opens alburn on his knees.) If you don t believe me here s documentary evidence (Gives GORDON album) a photograph of the three THREE WISE FOOLS 29 of us taken at your age ! (Pointing to each picture.) Your uncle, Judge Trumbull and myself. GORDON. (Bursts out laughing. The doctor looks at him) I beg your pardon. It s awfully good, really. (He again bursts out laughing.) DR. GAUNT. (Seriously) Don t you notice a re semblance to your uncle there and yourself? GORDON. (Laughing ruefully) Oh, come now, Doctor ! DR. GAUNT. Yes, you re a chip of that old block. GORDON. (Suddenly interested pointing in book) Doctor, what s that thing? DR. GAUNT. (Bending over to see) What thing? GORDON. There ! DR. GAUNT. Where ? (Putting on glasses. ) GORDON. On Uncle s head ! DR. GAUNT. (Looking at album gravely) That s his hat ! (Puts glasses away.) GORDON. Oh! (Examining) Why, what s writ ten here Athos Porthos Aramis ! DR. GAUNT. (Leaning back in chair proudly) The three musketeers ! GORDON. You three? (Looks at the doctor, then at FINDLEY, then at picture then front, smothering another laugh.) DR. GAUNT. Yes. (Looking out front.) GORDON. (Turning over another page) I say, who s the peach? DR. GAUNT. (Rises looks at FINDLEY, then at GORDON and turns away to window) Rena Fair- child. GORDON. She s a pippin, Doctor! (Takes chair and puts it below window R. Turns pages.) Why, here are some more pictures of her. Why, the whole book s full of her! (Looks up at DR. GAUNT.) DR. GAUNT. (Turns, looks at GORDON, then at FINDLEY and back at GORDON. Quietly) Gordon, have you ever been in love? 30 THREE WISE FOOLS GORDON. (Looking at pictures carelessly) Oh, hundreds of times! DR. GAUNT. (Smiles) Hundreds h m! That s interesting and yet in all your twenty-odd years you never thought of marriage? GORDON. (Looks at FINDLEYJ Oh. I ve never been seriously in love. DR. GAUNT. Well we have. GORDON. We? DR. GAUNT. Yes, your uncle, Judge Trumbull and I. GORDON. (Looking at the doctor) Oh, the three musketeers ? DR. GAUNT. (Nods) Yes, and all with the same girl. (Indicates the picture.) GORDON. (Looks at the doctor, then at FINDLEY, then at album) One for all and all for one, eh? Weren t there enough girls to go round in your day? DR. GAUNT. Not like Rena. (Pause.) Gordon, the original of these pictures was the cause of our first meeting. GORDON. (Looking at picture) Not really? DR. GAUNT. (Nods) We all admired her, all fell desperately in love with her. It was at her house we three met for the first time all hated rivals. GORDON. And she turned you down. DR. GAUNT. (Surprised) How did you know that? GORDON. Why er look, Doctor! Could you blame her? (Holds up album at the picture of the three musketeers. The doctor returns the album to cabinet rear. FINDLEY looks angry at this. The doctor is quite grave. GORDON sobers in an instant. To the doctor, in a low and humble voice) I beg your pardon! (Rises.) I didn t mean to make fun! I shouldn t have laughed. DR. GAUNT. (At bookcase) Why not? Laugh THREE WISE FOOLS 31 away ! I don t blame you, Gordon. (Coming down R. of FINDLEY.) You re not the first who has laughed at us. Anyone who had not lived our story would think it absurd comic. (Looks at FINDLEY.) We were never much at being ladies men, and I suppose our one experience cured us of matrimony (To FINDLEY) or perhaps we were just born bach elors. GORDON. Well, what became of her? (Crossing to L. of the doctor.) DR. GAUNT. We never knew (Crossing down L.) she disappeared completely out of our lives. (Looks at picture over mantel L., then goes to it.) Sometimes the world can be a large place ! GORDON. (Looking front) Yes that s right. (Embarrassed looks at FINDLEY.) I guess I d bet ter be going. I (Crosses up R. of door R. gets coat and hat. Enter GRAY.) GRAY. The Judge is home, Mr. Findley. (Moves chair back of table c. up to L. or arch c. takes card- table and goes out door up R. after JUDGE enters. GORDON places hat and coat in chair GRAY has moved up L. of c.) DOCTOR and FINDLEY. (FINDLEY crosses front of table L. ) Oh, Jimmy ! (As he enters) Oh, Jimmy ! Hello, Jimmy ! JUDGE. (Taking off gloves and coat, his hat still on) I m glad you re both home, boys I ve been wanting to see you all day. GORDON. (Coming R. of JUDGED Good evening, Judge. (FINDLEY and the doctor exchange glances.) JUDGE. Ah, Gordon er Gordon, would you mind leaving me alone with your uncle and the doc tor for a minute ? GORDON. Why, I was just going anyway, sir. JUDGE. Oh ! No, no ! Don t run away. (Enter GRAY, conies R. of JUDGE.) Just step into the library for just a minute, like a good fellow. 32 THREE WISE FOOLS GORDON. Why, certainly, sir. (Goes off into library door up L.j GRAY. (As JUDGE is about to speak to the doctor and FiNDLEYj There s been a woman here to see you. She s called twice this afternoon. (JUDGE removes hat and gives coat to GRAY.,) JUDGE. (Pause) Oh ! That poor woman again FINDLEY. What woman? JUDGE. She wants to plead for her wretched hus band ! I sentenced him last week. Well, let her in if she comes. GRAY. Yes, sir. (Exits up R. The JUDGE goes to c. rather gravely.) FINDLEY. (Coming around back of JUDGE and to R. of him nervously) Jimmy, you re not yourself to-night something s happened ! JUDGE. (Grimly) Yes ! FINDLEY. Oh ! Then you know about the JUDGE. (Surprised looking from one to the other) Why, do you? DR. GAUNT. Yes. JUDGE. (To doctor) Oh ! Then the boy is here ? FINDLEY. (Surprised) Boy? JUDGE. (Gravely) Ah then you don t know. FINDLEY. What is it, Jimmy ? JUDGE. (Puts hands on their shoulaers) Boys, she s dead! FINDLEY. Rena ! DR. GAUNT. Rena! JUDGE. She died in abject poverty (Crosses to L. and sits on stool front of table moved) alone ! DR. GAUNT. (Deeply moved shaking his head) What a life what a tragedy! (Crosses up L.c.j JUDGE. It seems she d married and had a child! Here is how the news (FINDLEY goes up, gets chairs, sits L.C. the doctor sits on table behind them) reached me on an old piece of wrapping paper, written in pencil. (Adjusts glasses. Reads THREE WISE FOOLS 33 very slowly) "Athos, Perthos, Aramis old friends ! (Reminiscent looks slowly at each of them.) I am dying. I blame no one but myself. I am in no posi tion to help my child so I turn to you three, the best, the most chivalrous men I have ever known, to ask for help. If you will do this for me. I will rest in peace; and if there is a great beyond. I will pray for you always. For the sake of the old days, help and forgive in your hearts. Yours in despair, Rena !" (The doctor rises and goes up L.C. and then down L., round sofa.) FINDLEY. What is it she wants us to do, Jimmy? JUDGE. There s a will. (The doctor sits on settee arm.) "I, Rena Fairchild, hereby say that this is my last will and testament. I do not know if this is legal, as I have no one to advise me, but I solemnly bequeath to mv three old friends Theodore Find- ley, Richard Gaunt and James Trumbull in equal shares the only thing I have in the world my be loved child. Sidney." (Signed) "Rena Fairchild." FINDLEY. You mean to say that we ve been left a boy? JUDGE. We have. Rena turned to us in the end after all these years ! (The doctor takes papers from JUDGE.) FINDLEY. Well, can one be left a child like an old farm or old furniture or silver JUDGE. A nice point of law I m not so sure it mightn t furnish grounds for our becoming his legal guardians. DR. GAUNT. (Who has been examining papers) I doubt if we ever see this child ! JUDGE. Nonsense ! DR. GAUNT. Why, these are dated three months ago. (Returns papers to JUDGED JUDGE. Exactly, but the fact that the letter was mailed last night indicates they intend to send the 34 THREE WISE FOOLS boy here to us. (Folds up letter puts it m envel ope.) Well, boys, what do you say? DR. GAUNT. Rena s child ! Why, there s no ques tion. We must do everything in the world for him. (Both look at FINDLEY. ) FINDLEY. Yes. We must give him everything that money can buy! JUDGE. (Rises) I knew you d feel that way, boys ! (Goes to c., going between FINDLEY and table L.J Teddy, you d better tell Mrs. Saunders we ll use the blue room for the nursery ! DR. GAUNT. (Laughing) Ha ! Ha ! Good ! FINDLEY. (Dismayed in horror) My God ! You re not going to have him in the house? DR. GAUNT. Why not? FINDLEY. Why not? Oh, come now! Talk sense. I am willing to do as much as either of you fellows more, for that matter but (Rises) surely we don t want a noisy, messy youngster up setting our lives changing the order of things here! (Goes c. JUDGE goes R., front of table R.J DR. GAUNT. Changing the order of things! (Clapping his hands.) Splendid! That s just what we need (Rises crossing to FINDLEY J and, Teddy, it will get you out of a lot of these FINDLEY. Damn ruts ! (The doctor and JUDGE laugh.) Will you please stop that noise for a minute and talk sense? We don t want the boy here in the house. Now that s the way I feel about it. (GORDON knocks on door.) JUDGE. Come in. GORDON. (Coming downstairs and to JUDGE, who is R.J Excuse me, but that s the longest minute I ever met I feel like Rip Van Winkle ! JUDGE. Gordon I beg your pardon ! I quite forgot you! THREE WISE FOOLS 35 GORDON. Oh, don t mind me. I just didn t want to miss my youth ; that s all. DR. GAUNT. (Laughing, crosses to c. to FIND- LEY, between GORDON and FINDLEY,) Boys, sup pose we let Gordon decide for us ! FINDLEY. Bosh! (JUDGE crosses to the doctor, between GORDON and the doctor.) JUDGE. I agree with Dick DR. GAUNT. (Turning to FINDLEY) Yes and if Gordon goes against you Teddy you lose! JUDGE. Gordon, an old friend of ours a dear friend has left us an infant boy to take care of. Now we want you to help our decision. DR. GAUNT. ^FINDLEY (joes L. rear, picks up eve ning paper) It s Rena s child, Gordon. GORDON. You mean? (Looks over at album in cabinet.) DR. GAUNT. (Significantly) Yes! Your uncle Teddy is against our bringing the boy into the house. GORDON. (Emphatically) Then I m for it ! (The doctor and JUDGE laugh.) FINDLEY. Of course you would be ! (Slamming down the newspaper in fury goes up L., then dozim c. between the doctor and JUDGE. ) All right! Since he won t take the job I ve offered I suggest we make over our shares in the will and turn the child over to Gordon. GORDON. Oh, I say! JUDGE. Why not? DR. GAUNT. Right! (GORDON laughs GRAY en ters, stands R. of GORDON.) GRAY. Beg pardon, sir! That woman is here again. JUDGE. Oh, yes. (With a sigh.) Well, I sup pose I shall have to see her! (Nods to GRAY, who retires up to door R. opens door, waits at L. of door R.) 36 THREE WISE FOOLS FINDLEY. For Heaven s sake, don t bring her in here ! I hate scenes ! JUDGE. Then why don t you go into the library? (Turns L. and works up to mantel looking into the fire. The doctor returns to table and picks up jour nal. GORDON goes to window, idly looking out.) FINDLEY. Why don t you go into the library yourself? JUDGE. All right! (Goes up to FINDLEY.) (A young girl enters she stares at GRAY and comes into the room overcome by the strangeness of the place. She is shabby and doum at the heel. She mistakes the doctor for the JUDGE and comes to him a very beautiful and appealing figure.) SIDNEY. Good evening. (JUDGE comes dozvn c. to R. of SIDNEY.) DR. GAUNT. How do you do? SIDNEY. Are you Judge Trumbull? JUDGE. (Coming up behind her R.) I am Judge Trumbull. (Shakes his head, which stops her talk ing gently with authority) I am very sorry, my poor girl deeply sorry but T can do nothing for you sentence has been passed! SIDNEY. Then it s no use? (Starts up c., stops. The doctor sits with his back to c.) JUDGE. Sometimes it s true kindness to be stern ! I can do nothing for your husband he is in the hands of the Federal law. SIDNEY. Husband! I have no husband ! (FIND- LEY and DR. GAUNT turn and look at her.) JUDGE. (With a start GORDON stares at her comes above table R.) What is this? Didn t you come to plead his cause? SIDNEY. No, sir I came about a will. (The doctor stands and looks up.) Didn t you receive a will? THREE WISE FOOLS 37 JUDGE. Rena Fairchild s will? SIDNEY. Yes, sir. JUDGE. Oh, then, the boy s in your charge where is he? SIDNEY. (Puzzled) Boy ? JUDGE. Yes where is this Sidney Fairchild ? SIDNEY. (With dignity) I am Sidney Fairchild ! (The doctor rises, puts magazine on table. FINDLEY crosses back of table and R. of it. All aston ished start.) FINDLEY. (Puzzled scratching his head) What, then you re not a boy? SIDNEY. (Wistfully to FINDLEY^ No, sir did you want a boy? FINDLEY. (Emphatically) We certainly did not but we were expecting an infant. (Goes up L. to fireplace. ) DR. GAUNT. (Crossing to SIDNEY gently) You see, we d forgotten we had all grown old. JUDGE. But why didn t you come to us before, Sidney? SIDNEY. I only reached New York last night. JUDGE. But your mother s letter was written three months ago. SIDNEY. I didn t want to send that at all. I only used it now in the hope that you would consent to see me. I well I m trying to study law, Judge Trumbull. (The doctor and JUDGE look at each other.) JUDGE. (Smiling) Oh, are you, really? SIDNEY. Yes, and I thought that is, I hoped there might be some kind of work I could do for you. JUDGE. Work? There s no question of work you ve been willed to us. 38 THREE WISE FOOLS SIDNEY. But the will isn t legal ; I couldn t make mother understand JUDGE. Have no fear, your mother was right. It is the soundest of all law. Why, it s what makes the world go round! SIDNEY. But I must keep on with my studying. I must somehow JUDGE. Well, in that case you may consider your self engaged. SIDNEY. Then there is something I can do for you? JUDGE. We ll go into that very carefully later. In the meantime this is your home and welcome. DR. GAUNT. (Taking her hands) Welcome. (A pause as all look at FINDLEY. He swallows his disgust at the thought of a girl in tlie home.) FINDLEY. (Sourly) Welcome ! (Goes rear, bored and upset takes out watch, compares it with clock. GORDON starts down R., crosses to c., stands facing SIDNEY.,) SIDNEY. (Eyes full) You mean you mean you want me to live here that you want me to (Turns and sees GORDON, u ho has dropped down R. of c. there is a pause, and he goes to her.) GORDON. Miss Fairchild, it doesn t make the slightest difference whether they want you or not. They ve made over the will to me. I m your guar dian. It s quite all right. FINDLEY. Oh, keep quiet. Get away. DR. GAUNT. Gordon, don t be silly! (All together.) JUDGE. Go away, Gordon. (To SIDNEY j Of course we want you. SIDNEY. Oh, you re all so dear! (Sways the doctor catches her.) GORDON. Look out! She s fainting! (Ad lib.) DR. GAUNT. Here Gordon a chair ! (Goes uj> THREE WISE FOOLS 39 left of c., gets chair quickly and brings it down c. The judge and the doctor catch her and put her in the chair GORDON has brought down. JUDGE runs across R. and opens the window and parts the cur tains.) SIDNEY. Oh, I m all right, thanks. (FINDLEY goes up L.C. pulls bell.) FINDLEY. (As GRAY enters from door right in bored voice) Get Saunders ! (GRAY exits Lj SIDNEY. Oh, please don t trouble. Please don t! DR. GAUNT. There, there, dear there s nothing to be alarmed about, only you re all tired out, and you need a good rest. FINDLEY. (Bored coming into c.) Can I do anything ? GORDON. (Turning to him) Yes, sir, you can give me that letter. FINDLEY. What? (Produces wallet takes out letter and hands it to GORDON .) GORDON. To Mr. Rapid Transit Department I ll be at his office to-morrow morning by eleven o clock if I have to sit up all night to make it. I ve got responsibilities now! DR. GAUNT. Oh ! Gordon, keep quiet. (GORDON goes up c.) I m Dr. Gaunt, Sidney. SIDNEY. (Softly) Oh, you are Aramis. DR. GAUNT. (Delighted laughing) Well! Ha, ha, ha! (Laughs delightedly.) Yes, and this is Mr. Findley. SIDNEY. (Looking up at him) Porthos! DR. GAUNT. Yes, and the Judge was Athos! SIDNEY. Yes. GORDON. (Coming down R. of SIDNEY,) And now 40 THREE WISE FOOLS I m going to join the group just call me D Artag- nan ! (All chase him back c.L.J FINDLEY. Just a moment now. DR. GAUNT. Now, Sidney your doctor (Enter GRAY from L., crosses to door up R.) has strict orders for you. Are you willing to obey them? SIDNEY. Yes, sir! DR. GAUNT. Very well then not another word to-night. (Enter SAUNDERS from L., comes down R. of round table.) You need a good rest and I pre scribe bed in large doses. SAUNDERS. Did you want me, sir? DR. GAUNT. Oh, yes, Saunders. Saunders, this is Miss Sidney Fairchild. She s going to live with us. (GRAY looks surprised and^ exits R. SAUNDERS looks at FINDLEY quite amazed taking a half -step backward.) SAUNDERS. Yes, sir, very happy, Miss, I m sure. SIDNEY. (Smiles at her) Thank you. DR. GAUNT. Now, Saunders. SAUNDERS. Yes, sir. DR. GAUNT. Miss Sidney s very tired. (Takes hat from table, hands it to SAUNDERS.) Take her up to the blue room and see that she s made very comfortable. SAUNDERS. Come with me. Miss. (SIDNEY rises.) JUDGE. (Extending his arms to her) Good night, Sidney. (Kisses her on forehead.) (GRAY enters front, up R. gives SAUNDERS two bags exits c.) SIDNEY. Good-night, sir. DR. GAUNT. Good-night, Sidney. (She goes to him and he kisses her on the forehead. Then re- THREE WISE FOOLS 41 membermg FINDLEY, turns and looks at him. He regards her with embarrassment.) SIDNEY. (Going to him, slowly) Good-night, Mr. Findley. (He looks at her glances sheepishly at the others, who smile behind their hands. This settles him he then stoops over and kisses her awk wardly on lips she looks up into his face and smiles.) FINDLEY. (Sincerely and deeply moved bowing repeatedly and shyly) Good-night Sidney. (She turns to stairs again.) GORDON. (Goes to her suddenly) Good-night, Sidney. (He waits as if expecting her to put up her face to be kissed. SIDNEY looks at him, embar rassed. ) SIDNEY. Good-night. (Turns aiuay.) SAUNDERS. Come, dear (Leads way up stairs.) DR. GAUNT. (When SIDNEY S on the first land ing) And Saunders after you ve tucked Miss Sid ney in, you may give her an apple and a cup of hot water, just as Gray gives us. SAUNDERS. (Starts second flight) Yes, sir. GORDON. (Turning to DR. GAUNTJ Apple and hot water ! Why not hot chocolate ? DR. GAUNT. No, no ! Too rich ! But she may have a cup of hot cocoa, if she prefers it. GORDON. (To SAUNDERS,) With whipped cream, Saunders. DR. GAUNT. No. With hot milk, Saunders. SAUNDERS. Yes, sir. (Starts upstairs.) DR. GAUNT. Oh, and Saunders She is not to talk to you. That is very important. SAUNDERS. Yes, sir. (To SIDNEY j Now you come right along, dear, and Saunders will FINDLEY. (Crossing from R. to L V front of table) And, Saunders, you re not to talk to her that s more important. 42 THREE WISE FOOLS (SAUNDERS goes out. SIDNEY turns, stops at the top 1 of stairs and looks at them a moment.) SIDNEY. Good-night! (Turns and goes out.) FINDLEY. Good-night, dear! DR. GAUNT. A good night s sleep. JUDGE. Good-night, child ! DR. GAUNT. Good night sweet dreams! Now go right to bed. (All together at foot of stairs, waving at her.) FINDLEY. (Warning) Have a good sleep! DR. GAUNT. Good-night, Sidney. (They all turn, chuckling and laughing FINDLEY rather fool ish.) JUDGE. (Taking chair from R. of table L. dozan stage) Well, let s talk this over. (GORDON comes down c.) DR. GAUNT. This is amazing. (Comes down and sits on stool front of table. GORDON gets hat and coat from L. of c.) It s happened so suddenly I m quite dazed. FINDLEY. (Sits in chair c.) Yes you can t help liking the little thing somehow. JUDGE. Now we must settle upon some plan of action ! GORDON. Yes. (Front.) That s the thing for us to do! FINDLEY. (Turning on him) You ll find Mr. Schermahorn in his office at nine o clock. GORDON. I ll be there. FINDLEY. Well, go home and go to bed, so you ll be awake when you get there. GORDON. (Going to door up *.) You re right, Uncle. FINDLEY. What? THREE WISE FOOLS 43 GORDON. You can t help liking this little thing somehow! (Exits door up R.) JUDGE. Now this meeting can come to order. FINDLEY. Yes, we must think what s to be done. DR. GAUNT. Yes. Now, the very first thing you got to do, Teddy, is to eliminate all vile language. FINDLEY. You mean to insinuate that I m in the habit of using bad language? (Warning for clock on bell.) DR. GAUNT. (Amazed) Good gracious, don t you know you do? JUDGE. (Equally amazed) Yes, Teddy don t you know you do? FINDLEY. (Looking from one to the other) Well, I ll change it. DR. GAUNT. (Anxiously) Do you think you can, Teddy? FINDLEY. Do I think I can ! Of course I can why the hell Why shouldn t I? JUDGE. Now for the next point (Clock bell booms on-ce the half-hour. DOUG LAS opens door. GRAY enters from dining-room with apples and hot water on tray.) GRAY. It s bedtime, gentlemen ! (They all wind their watches together gravely. Crosses to window and closes it.) Your apples and hot water. JUDGE. This meeting is adjourned until break fast. (Rises, puts chair L. of door c.) DR. GAUNT. (Rises) Why, I had no idea it was so late. (Takes cup and apple and goes to foot of stairs.) FINDLEY. (Rises) Where has the time gone to? (Goes to table and gets apple and water.) I know I won t sleep a damn wink ! DR. GAUNT. (Turning at foot of stairs) Teddy ! 34 THREE WISE FOOLS (JUDGE turns and looks at him.) FINDLEY. Well, she didn t hear me. What the hell s the difference? DR. GAUNT. Good-night, Gray. (Upstairs and out library door. Turns at door, then at JUDGE and FINDLEY and exit.) GRAY. Good-night, sir. (Closing curtains.) FINDLEY. (Pauses on landing, looking upstairs, back to audience) Good-night, Gray! GRAY. Good-night, sir. (Puts out first lamp.) JUDGE. (Goes upstairs GRAY switches out lights at switch up L.C.) Good-night, Gray. (Exit JUDGE, leaving door open.) GRAY. Good-night, sir. (He puts out lamp, leav ing room in darkness but for the light from library door. GRAY goes up the stairs, wagging his head bewilderedly. To himself) My! My! My! VERY SLOW CURTAIN ACT II TIME : Four weeks later. The room is transformed as if by magic. It has grown younger. Spring has taken possession. Every bowl and vase is bursting with flowers in pots and bowls. DOUGLAS takes vase over to window R., comes back to R.C., goes up R.C. They have changed the room into a garden. The only change in the furniture is a new acquisition in the shape of a small writing-desk centre, on which is a line of law books and a typewriter. The dainty Sheri- tan table has been placed in the center of the room; four places are set and four champagne glasses wait upon a tray. A small settee is now at R. instead of table and armchair. As the curtain rises all the flowers are in place but one or two pots. DOUGLAS and MRS. SAUNDERS are scurrying like mad placing them about. SAUNDERS,, zvho is c., goes up L. DOUGLAS. Where does this go? (Holding a pot of flowers in his hands.) SAUNDERS. (Consulting a paper on which is a diagram) Oh, Lord, what did he say? Oh, there on Miss Sidney s desk. DOUGLAS. There, is that all ? SAUNDERS. Yes, I think that s the way he wants it. I suppose the safest way would be for you to go to the dining-room and ask him to come and see if everything s all right. (He starts for the double 45 46 THREE WISE FOOLS doors.) Not that way. Go by the hall and be ter ribly careful when you speak to him that Miss Sid ney doesn t suspect anything if she should find out before they want her to, they d murder us! DOUGLAS. Yes, I will. SAUNDERS. That s right, Douglas. (Exit quickly.) MRS. SAUNDERS. (Who is down c., suddenly sees something placed wrong gives an "Oh!" of horror and consults her paper. Runs to mantelpiece, takes down a huge pot of beauty roses and places them on library table. Then studies her paper again.) Now that s all right. (Door bursts open rear and FINDLEY enters, carry ing napkin; now in full evening dress flushed, pink, gay, blustering.) FINDLEY. What the devil do you want, Saunders ? SAUNDERS. Why, I thought, sir FINDLEY. Didn t I make you a complete diagram? SAUNDERS. Yes. (Showing diagram.) Here it is. FINDLEY. (Coming down front) Well, you ve got your diagram, why the h Why don t you go by your diagram? (Seeing flmvers at right.) That s ail right that s fine ! (Turns and sees flow ers on table L.) And that is beautiful, Saunders ! Really, that is perfectly beautiful ! (Turns and sees flower-pot on SIDNEY S desk.) But that is rotten! (Places diagram on table and goes to SIDNEY S desk.) That s not a bit like it. (He lifts up the pot from SIDNEY S desk and crosses to small stand L. of arch.) This thing doesn t go up here this thing comes down and goes over here, and this thing (Takes pot off stand L.J comes down off this arrangement and goes over there on Miss Sidney s desk. Confound it I go to the trouble of making you a complete diagram and then you proceed to THREE WISE FOOLS 47 ball everything up. (Crosses and places the new pot on SIDNEV S desk.) SAUNDERS. But it says the hydrangers there, sir. (Points to SIDNEY S desk.) FINDLEY. (Glaring at flowers on SIDNEY S desk) Are those hydrangeas? SAUNDERS. Yes, sir. FINDLEY. Then why the devil didn t you say so before I Now go over there and get the damn things and bring them over here where they belong. (Grabs pot from SIDNEY S desk, crossing stage, places them on table left as SAUNDERS takes pot from table L. and replaces it on SIDNEY S desk.) FINDLEY. You want me to do everything. (Sud denly looking at the centre table.) Now, where s the cake. Gray (DOUGLAS opens door -for GRAY, who enters door R. with cake.) GRAY. Here it is, sir. (A birthday cake with one lone candle.) FINDLEY. Well, will you put it in the centre of the table there? (GRAY does so.) And will you light that candle? \Ve re ready for the coffee now. GRAY. (Lighting candle on cake) We re all ready. FINDLEY. (Admiring the floivers on large table left) Saunders, these are beautiful! Really, they are exquisite, and these here (Turning to mantel piece) are perfectly wonderful ! (Dances from the room like a happy gazelle.) MRS. SAUNDERS. Will you look at that! Why, they ve all gone crazy ! (Enter DOUGLAS, door R., with wine-glasses and de canter on tray ; crosses doztm c. and places same on table.) GRAY. I don t mind it so much, Mrs. Saunders. 48 THREE WISE FOOLS (Arranges table at c.) But I can t understand it, after all these years of peace. It s a revelation! MRS. SAUNDERS. It s a revolution, Mr. Gray! That s what it is! GRAY. Well, have it your own way. DOUGLAS. (Crossing up to door c.) They re all ready. (GRAY follows him up DOUGLAS on R., GRAY on L. both open doors and exit.) JUDGE. We shouldn t laugh at her, boys this is a serious matter. (SIDNEY and the Three Wise Men are seen seated around a table in an exquisite Adams dining- room; they have finished their dinner, waiting for coffee. SIDNEY is seated at the centre, with back to audience. FINDLEY is on her left, the doctor on the right and the JUDGE back centre. SIDNEY is now beautifully gowned in shell pink she is hardly recognisable she is transformed. MRS. SAUNDERS exits left second entrance.) JUDGE. Now, Sidney, in the case United States vs. Moss, what do you think would have happened if Latimer hadn t testified? SIDNEY. I think that Moss would have been ac quitted. DR. GAUNT. (Placing down napkin) Oh, do drop law for a little while, Sidney. FINDLEY. Listen, dear, you have us at a! disad vantage ; we want our coffee, but we can t leave the table until you do. SIDNEY. (Putting down napkin and rising) I beg your pardon. I suppose when I begin asking questions then (She comes in room and sees all the decorations she sees that room is decorated in her honor a pause.) Why ! What is it ? (Looks all about.) What does it mean? (Comes down THREE WISE FOOLS 49 stage. Three Wise Men follow her to door, stand ing a step above and observing SIDNEY. ) FINDLEY. (Sentimentally) Can t you guess? SIDNEY. No, all the ones that I liked best at the flower show this afternoon. It s like a garden. JUDGE. (Placing chair at left of table for SID NEY,) Madame FINDLEY. Be seated. (They make much ado about seating SIDNEY. ) JUDGE. (Indicating chair) By me. DR. GAUNT. Well, I guess I can sit close to her too. (Sits on SIDNEY S left. FINDLEY runs around the table and tries to sit on the JUDGE S chair, but the JUDGE is before him he then draws a chair up R. of table and sits opposite her.) JUDGE. Now this is a festival in your honor. SIDNEY. My honor? DR. GAUNT. Yes, this is your birthday. (Draws chair near SIDNEY. ) SIDNEY. Birthday? (Looking surprised.) FINDLEY. Yes, you have been here exactly one month to-day, so we are celebrating. DR. GAUNT. Yes, madame, this is your luna-ver- sary. JUDGE. Hence the lunatics. Before you descended from above upon us we were quite normal, and I may say useful citizens, but now we have become three sentimental maniacs. DR. GAUNT. You know, it is being borne in on me with a painful realization the truth of that an cient platitude, "there are no fools like old fools." (All laugh.) SIDNEY. But you re not old. Really, you re not. JUDGE. Up, boys ! (All three rise.) Madame, we are dust at your feet. (They bow as one man with courtly grace and resume their seats.) I propose a toast to our young godsend 50 THREE WISE FOOLS DR. GAUNT and FINDLEY. Bravo! Speech! Speech ! TUDGE. Speaking for your financial manager on your right, your court physician on your left, I, as your legal advisor, thank you in their names and my own for what you have done for us. (Applause.) As for me, madame I am reborn. Our quack is a living proof of his own philosophy and see how you ve humanized that ancient fossil there (Points to FINDLEY,). See the color and sparkle in his face. Our eminent psychologist has proven his theory be yond the shadow of a doubt that we needed youth and inspiration to haul us out of our ruts. FINDLEY. Ruts, with your permission, Mr. Toast- master JUDGE. But I- FINDLEY. (Rising) Or without it JUDGE. (Sits) All right. FINDLEY. I would like to say a word on the sub ject of ruts. (Applause.) A month ago our emi nent psychologist told me I was dead, but they hadn t buried me yet. He said I was a mass of ruts, but if I had enough excitement and tonic emotion and buttercups and daisies I might live on forever. Naturally at the time I thought he was hopelessly insane. I now apologize to him publicly I was a mass of ruts I was dead and didn t know it. But after taking his wonderful tonic emotions (Goes over and pats SIDNEY S shoulders) for four short weeks, I now confidently expect to live on forever and the next buttercup I find I m going to roll among it. DR. GAUNT. (Rises) Your apology is accepted ! (Bows.) JUDGE. (Rises) And we realize we owe the great change to you ! So having proved yourself capable as well as ornamental, my friend on my right will THREE WISE FOOLS 51 now resign his position here as housekeeper, in fa vor of you. FINDLEY. (Rises) Right gladly. DR. GAUNT. (Rises, takes SIDNEY up) Here, here! JUDGE. And will relinquish his office by present ing you with the keys of this house. (DR. GAUNT passes SIDNEY over to FINDLEY, who is right c.) FINDLEY. And here they are. (Pulls out a bunch of keys on a metal ring from his pocket and drops them into her extended hand among the keys is the police-whistle.) SIDNEY. (Taking keys and examining same) What a lot of them! DR. GAUNT. Yes, and she hasn t an idea which is which. SIDNEY. Yes, I have. Saunders has taken me all over the house and shown me. (Looks at police whistle.) Why, what s this? FINDLEY. That s a police whistle. SIDNEY. Oh oh, dear FINDLEY. And I ll tell you what it s for. If that old chatterbox over there ! (Pointing to the doc tor) ever tries to explain his theories of life to you, you are to blow on this and fhe Judge and I will rush in and save you! (All laugh.) DR. GAUNT. Oh, really! (SIDNEY starts up to her desk to put keys in the drawer up R.C., between large folding doars and door R.J FINDLEY. Where are you going? SIDNEY. (Who is upstage) I m going to put them in my desk. So I won t forget them. (Crosses back to chair left of table c. Places keys in desk crosses back to chair L. of table c. FINDLEY. DR. 52 THREE WISE FOOLS GAUNT and JUDGE cross to table C.R., standing in oblique line.) DR. GAUNT. Now a toast to our new house keeper! (The Three Wise Men each take a glass of wine that is already poured out and face SID NEY.) JUDGE. (Raising his glass and staying him with a gesture) Sidney Fairchild, wishing you eternal youth ! FINDLEY. (Raising his glass aloft) Long life ! DR. GAUNT. (Raising his glass) And happiness no heel taps. (All drink.) (After drink JUDGE crosses to chair c. behind table. SIDNEY is standing in front of her chair L.C. of table. DR. GAUNT crosses to the side of SID NEY, picks up cake-knife from table c., handing her knife. FINDLEY reseats himself R. of table c.) DR. GAUNT. Now, Sidney, the cake. (About to- cut same.) FINDLEY. (Stopping him, who is seated right of table c.; JUDGE c. of table; SIDNEY L. of JUDGE; the doctor extreme L.J Now, before you cut the cake or. blow out the candle To-night we are going to take you You tell her, jimmy. (Slight pause he leans back in his chair as she looks from one to the other.) DR. GAUNT. Oh, yes, you tell her. JUDGE. (Solemnly) We are taking you to-night to hear your first grand opera. SIDNEY. (Gasping) That is why you ve given me this new gown ! (She places her hand carelessly upon table DR. GAUNT takes same, patting it af fectionately.) FINDLEY. Exactly, because you re going to sit in the front of the box. THREE WISE FOOLS S3 SIDNEY. (Puzzled) A box? JUDGE. A box is a separate space partitioned off where we can all sit together comfortably. (Looks at the doctor, who is holding SIDNEY^S hand.) And perhaps I may have my chance at holding your hand. FINDLEY. Yes, that s right. (Rises, crossing SIDNEY in front of table c. to L.J Now it s my turn to have my hand held. DR. GAUNT. (Who has been holding her hand throughout this scene) No, no, I protest ! (Wav ing FINDLEY aside.) This is a question of my lady s preference. FINDLEY. I stand on my rights. I appeal to the bench. (Indicating the JUDGE.,) DR. GAUNT. Judge? JUDGE. Dick, you must obey the laws of equity. Let go that hand ! (The doctor does so. FINDLEY in a very jovial manner raises the doctor from seat, pushing him to the right, taking the doctor s seat at L. of table c.) DR. GAUNT. (To the JUDGE,) But what about your hand? JUDGE. Never mind my hand. DR. GAUNT. Wait till we get in the box. (All seated; JUDGE is holding SIDNEY S right hand; FIND- LEY is holding her left pause.) SIDNEY. Just we four are going? DR. GAUNT. (Gaily) Yes, just we four. SIDNEY. (Pause) Oh FINDLEY. (Sharply) Here, what made you say that? SIDNEY. Nothing I thought there were more than four seats in a box. DR. GAUNT. There are, but what of it? I sup pose you want to invite the cook, and Saunders, and Douglas, and Gray ! SIDNEY. (Smiling) Now you re making fun of 54 THREE WISE FOOLS me again. I think it s all too wonderful just as it is, only FINDLEY. Only only what? SIDNEY. I thought Gordon was coming to see you to-night? FINDLEY. (Rises, crossing to the left corner) I knew it, I knew it! (As FINDLEY leaves his chair, the doctor rises quick ly and, stealing FINDLEY^S chair, takes SIDNEY S hand. FINDLEY sees this and tries to oust him out of the chair; general laugh from all.) JUDGE. Well, Gordon is not asked. (DR. GAUNT has noticed for the first time that SID NEY is wearing her blue satin slippers.) DR. GAUNT. (To SIDNEY) No, indeed, he isn t. Hello why are you wearing your blue slippers? SIDNEY. (Surprised) They re the only ones I have. DR. GAUNT. Oh, no, they re not. Grandpa Teddy and I ordered plain pink satin fellows to go with this dress. SIDNEY. I haven t seen them. DR. GAUNT. Oh, I am sorry they haven t come in time. Never mind. SIDNEY. But I love these buckles. (Enter DOUGLAS L.C. entrance with tray containing trick coffee-pot, pearl necklace in same four cups and saucers for serving cm tray, crosses to centre back of table, places same between JUDGE and SIDNEY.) FINDLEY. We were assured by an extremely un- THREE WISE FOOLS 55 pleasant young man that plain slippers were more the fashion for debutantes. SIDNEY. But they ll never be noticed from a box. DR. GAUNT. Ah ! the coffee. FINDLEY. Coffee ! Coffee ! Coffee ! (Runs from L. to R., resuming his old position.) SIDNEY. Yes. (Takes up silver coffee-pot and starts to pour, tipping it slightly no coffee comes. She turns and looks at DOUGLAS.) Why, Douglas, there s none in it ! FINDLEY. (Fairly wiggling with excitement) Keep at it. (JUDGE, DR. GAUNT and FINDLEY eagerly watch ex pressions on SIDNEY S face. SIDNEY turns the pot upside down, cover falls open and out drops pearl necklace on the table. She stares at it, unable to speak, then lifts it up, exclaiming, "Oh!" DOUGLAS takes coffee-pot and tray and exits c. through sliding doors returns imme diately with a real coffee-pot filled with hot coffee, crosses and places on table left, back of flowers. SIDNEY, overcome, starts crying si lently.) FINDLEY. (Rising) Handkerchiefs! Handker chiefs ! (All rise and crowd about her, producing handkerchiefs. The JUDGE back of her, FINDLEY R. and the doctor L. They all give her their handker chiefs. She takes the doctor s and JUDGE S handker chiefs and weeps on them.) FINDLEY. Here! What s the matter with mine? (SIDNEY gropes for it.) DR. GAUNT. I m afraid we ve sprung it on her too suddenly. FINDLEY. Here! You re not crying on mine at all ! (She turns them all over and cries on his.) JUDGE. Nor mine! 56 THREE WISE FOOLS DR. GAUNT. Nor mine! SIDNEY. (Bus. of handing handkerchief back to FiNDLEvJ Thank you ! (Handing handkerchief to JUDGED Thank you! (Handing handkerchief to the doctor.) Thank you ! FINDLEY. Here! This is not mine! DR. GAUNT. No, this isn t mine ! Here, Teddy give me that one ! FINDLEY. (Reaching for it from the doctor) This is mine. This is the one she cried on last! (Ad lib. through scene until laugh dies.) SIDNEY. (Drying her eyes manfully) Please, may I make a speech? JUDGE, DOCTOR and FINDLEY. Bravo! Hear! Hear! Speech! (The three applaud; she pauses, looking at them they resume their seats, paying strict attention to what she is about to say; she looks at the jewels before her, struggling manfully to hold back her tears.) You you can never realize it, but to me it s been like coming out of the hopeless dark into sunlight to have come here. (She falters and shivers turning to them again.) Mother told me you three were the most chivalrous men she d ever known because it s in your hearts. (They bow their heads; she pauses.) She was right. Why, you haven t asked me a question just taken me on trust. Oh, if you could only know what that meant! I don t want pearl necklaces (Looks down at them) I just want to stay here with you forever and ever and ever (She leans over and kisses FINDLEY on the forehead turns and kisses the doc tor on the forehead, and crosses in front of table to JUDGE, who is seated right of table c. kisses him on forehead, climbing into the JUDGE S lap, lays her head on his immaculate shirt front and sobs in his arms; the others drink their champagne and look extremely uncomfortable.) JUDGE. There, there THREE WISE FOOLS 57 SIDNEY. (Inarticulately) Da da, da boo boo JUDGE. (Softly, as he pets her) Of course, pre cisely. SIDNEY. I didn t mean to do it. JUDGE. (Same business) Quite right, we all agree with you. (Suddenly SIDNEY realizes that she has been crying, tries to recover herself, drying her eyes and after a pause, when she forces laughter.) SIDNEY. Please forgive me. I couldn t help it. I just spilled over, didn t I? ALL. Yes, yes, of course, of course. (SIDNEY rises, crosses in front of FINDLEY, who is centre, back of table. FINDLEY grabs her in his arms and places her on his lap. DR. GAUNT takes necklace from table and places it on SID NEY S neck.) SIDNEY. (Brightening) Now may I see them ? DR. GAUNT. Yes, of course! There they are. SIDNEY. They re beautiful ! DR. GAUNT. Now let me put them on for you, Sidney. There! (Fastens string of pearls on her neck. JUDGE takes cake-knife, polishes it with his napkin, and gives it to SIDNEY, who looks into it, admiring the necklace.) SIDNEY. How alive they look! (DR. GAUNT goes left to table pours out cup of coffee.) FINDLEY. (Who still has SIDNEY on his lap) Yes, we were each going to buy you a separate pres ent, but they wouldn t let me give you the best one. 58 THREE WISE FOOLS So to avoid friction I decided we d make it a three- in-one gift. (Enter GORDON door R.) GORDON. Hello, folks! (SIDNEY rises, watching GORDON goes down right of sofa R.J JUDGE. Hello, Gordon. FINDLEY. (Sourly) How did you get in here? GORDON. (Crosses to R.c.j With my new latch key. FINDLEY. Latch-key? Where did you get it? GORDON. Gray had it made for me. (FINDLEY crosses over to table L., pours out small cup of coffee, joins the doctor, who is at fire place L.) JUDGE. (Happily) Well, Gordon, you re in luck. Just in time for some cake. GORDON. (Looking at it) For heaven s sake, what s happened here? JUDGE. A birthday. GORDON. Good ! Many happy returns ! Whose birthday is it? FINDLEY. (Who is in front of table L. ) Sidney s, you poor idiot! (JUDGE crosses to fireplace L.) GORDON. (Delighted goes over to SIDNEY at R V taking small chair from table c.) Sidney s? Then it s a real party ! SIDNEY. (Looking at GORDON) Look at my luna-present. (Shows pearl necklace on her.) GORDON. Oh, I say, they have come across ! And so they should. Bully for them ! I m proud of THREE WISE FOOLS 59 them! (SIDNEY showing her pearls, both become unconscious of their surroundings.) SIDNEY. (In low voice) You haven t noticed my new dress. GORDON. Oh, yes, I have. SIDNEY. (Sits on settee R.) You didn t say any thing. GORDON. (Sits in chair he has taken from table he looks at her, up and down and then in her eyes) I didn t think it was necessary. I thought you d know what I felt. (SIDNEY laughs, which attracts the attention of FINDLEY, JUDGE and the doctor. GORDON whis pers in her ear.) FINDLEY. (At their exchange of glances) Well, I ll be damned! SIDNEY. Do you really like it as much as that ? GORDON. (Nodding at her) Hah, ha! JUDGE. (Going up L. over to R.) There s some thing the matter with the bridge of my nose. DR. GAUNT. (Placing cup doztm on mantel; FINDLEY does likewise; JUDGE places his cup on tray, which is on table Lj Exactly. (Rubs nose.) A clear case of out of joint. (All three walk abreast across stage behind GORDON. FINDLEY grabs GOR DON, pulls him away, forces him to extreme left of stage.) FINDLEY. Go away, Gordon, go away ! (JUDGE takes SIDNEY, brings her to centre.) JUDGE. You sit right down here and cut that cake. (Enter DOUGLAS through c. door, goes to mantel, takes cups and saucers, places them on tray, and 60 THREE WISE FOOLS during action of scene exits c. door, taking tray, coffee, etc., with him. The doctor is on the R. of table c. JUDGE behind SIDNEY; FIND- LEY left of table c.) GORDON. Uncle, where were you this afternoon? FINDLEY. (Turning to GORDON) How s that? GORDON. You got yourself in a fine mess. FINDLEY. (Icily crossing to L.C.) What do you mean? GORDON. (Grimly) Do you remember calling a directors meeting this afternoon at four o clock? FINDLEY. (With a violent start) Good God ! DR. GAUNT. Teddy! SIDNEY. (Rises) Oh (She crosses to her ivriting-desk, gets glass jar which is half full of coins, comes back to table c., extending it toward FINDLEY. He realises that he has svvorn, puts hand in pocket, takes out a quarter, crosses to SIDNEY, props coin in glass jar general laugh. SIDNEY, with a look to indicate that she will stop his su ear- ing, crosses back to her desk, placing jar on same, then rejoins the JUDGE. FINDLEY crosses back to GORDON.) GORDON. I never saw an angrier bunch of men in my life! FINDLEY. (In real dismay) I forgot all about them. Gordon, what did you do? GORDON. Well, I had the proxy and I stalled them. But I had an awful job squaring you. Now where were you? FINDLEY. (Sheepishly) Er er ah um I had to take Sidney to see the flower show. It was the last day. GORDON. Flower show? Listen, Uncle. True education is in learning to do the thing you don t want to do at the time you don t want to do it. DR. GAUNT. (Enthusiastically) That s right, 6i Gordon! Sic em! Hit him again! He has no friends ! SIDNEY. (Rising) Yes, he has! Don t scold him, Gordon. (Crosses to fireplace and joins GOR DON. ) Have a piece of cake? GORDON. (Sputtering) Thanks. What use is he (Pantomime between SIDNEY and GORDON.^) JUDGE. (At c. of table with FINDLEY and the l doctor sotto voice) You ll make a business man of him yet. FINDLEY. (Sees GORDON in conversation with SIDNEY) Look, Jimmy, look he s at it again ! He s at it again ! DR. GAUNT. Look, Jimmy! JUDGE. (Crosses to table L.J Ahem ! I beg your pardon! I don t want to interrupt you! (Aloud) Gordon, eat your cake and go home ! GORDON. Home? Well, I like that ! Why, what s up? FINDLEY. We re going out this evening. GORDON. Oh ! Are we ? FINDLEY. No, we are. GORDON. Well, where are we going? JUDGE. We are taking Sidney to hear her first grand opera. (Takes SIDNEY R.C.J GORDON. Poor girl ! Grand opera ! Why didn t you take her to a musical comedy? Never mind, Sidney, I ll help out all I can. (Crossing to SID NEY. ) I ll go with you. FINDLEY. Young man, you re not asked. GORDON. I know that, but I ll be there. (Crosses to FINDLEY c.) What s the number of the box? FINDLEY. I ll not tell you. GORDON. Well, I ll find it. FINDLEY. (Slapping GORDON on back and push ing him L. to mantel) Run along, now. We re in a hurry we ll be late! 62 THREE WISE FOOLS (General laugh from all. GORDON crosses over to fireplace. SIDNEY is at extreme R. FINDLEY has crossed to table L. JUDGE is centre. The doc tor between FINDLEY and the JUDGE. ) FINDLEY. We d better get ready. We mustn t be late. JUDGE. (Crossing up L.c.j Plenty of time. (Turns back to SIDNEY.) But don t take too long, Sidney, dear. SIDNEY. Why, I m quite ready. (Faces them.) DR. GAUNT. Remember this is an important oc casion. Don t forget your gloves the long ones. SIDNEY. Oh, yes JUDGE. And the lorgnette and your fan that s important ladies must always carry fans in a box. FINDLEY. (Crosses to table) Yes, so they may talk behind them during the heavy spots. Oh, and don t forget the orchilds we got at the GORDON. Directors meeting this afternoon ! (All laugh. He crosses down quickly to mantel as FIND- LEY makes a motion as if to chastise him.) JUDGE. (Looking at SIDNEY,) Boys, it s like the old days! DR. GAUNT. Porthos ! (Extends hand.) FINDLEY. (Extending hand) Athos! JUDGE. (Taking both of their hands) Aramis ALL. One for all and all for one! (Clasping hands. ) (Forming line, they exit, singing the Soldiers Chorus from "Faust." Exit upstairs into li brary, which is door left 3E. A pause. Enter GRAY from dining-room c., arranging tray with glasses and decanter to take them away.) GRAY. Mrs. Saunders sent me to tell you your pink satin slippers have arrived. THREE WISE FOOLS 63 SIDNEY. Thank you, Gray. GRAY. She laid them on your dressing-table, Miss. (Puts chair up R.C. SIDNEY starts to run upstairs GORDON intercepts her at foot of stairs.) GORDON. One moment, please. Gray, Miss Fair- child will ring when to clear away. GRAY. Very good, sir. Thank you, sir. Beg pardon, really, I m sure. (Retires discreetly with tray containing decanter and glasses of -wine into dining-room c., closing doors behind him. GORDON and SIDNEY wait till he exits turn and look at each other.) GORDON. You haven t blown out your birthday candle. (He has crossed to the R. of table c.) SIDNEY. (Crossing to him) Must I? GORDON. (Raises cake, holding it up to her) Oh, yes. (SIDNEY is about to blow out candle.) Wait you must make a wish first. SIDNEY. (Going to table) All right. GORDON. Have you a wish ? SIDNEY. (Pauses) Yes ! GORDON. Have you wished it? SIDNEY. Now I have! GORDON. Go ahead, then blow it out! SIDNEY. (He raises cake; she blows out the candle.) I wonder if it will come true? GORDON. (Sincerely) If it s what I hope it is, I hope it will ! SIDNEY. I ll let you know if it does. (She starts to run upstairs.) GORDON. (Following her) Oh, Sidney tell me, what was it? SIDNEY. It mightn t come true if I tell. (Run ning back of table, crosses down to fireplace and sofa GORDON crosses down c.) GORDON. Why do you always run away from me? SIDNEY. I don t. 64 THREE WISE FOOLS GORDON. You do whenever we re alone. Of course we hardly ever are alone. These three guardsmen look out for that. But when I do have a moment with you, you seem to want to avoid me. SIDNEY. (Goes to GORDON ) I m not avoiding you now, am I? GORDON. No, that s fine. Now sit down. SIDNEY. But I ve got to get ready. GORDON. Just a minute there s something I want to tell you something about you. SIDNEY. (Sits) About me? GORDON. Yes what you ve been doing. SIDNEY. (Alarmed) What I ve been doing why, Gordon GORDON. (Drawing a chair up and sitting near her) What you ve been doing for these three wise men. I ve watched your method and learned a lot from you. You let them think they re managing and laying out every detail of your life, while all the time you re completely changing theirs, and they don t even realize it. SIDNEY. (Half smiling) Oh, Gordon GORDON. Everything seems to have gone right since you came here, and, somehow, it s all without effort Uncle s house accounts, the doctor s appoint ments and you re even helping the Judge with his briefs. Why, Sidney, you ve made it all a different house in one short month. I ve found now how to handle my job at the office by watching you here. SIDNEY. Watching me? GORDON. Yes just saying nothing but keeping on the job all the while with a smile. It s a won derful scheme, Sidney, and they re beginning to think I m good at the office. To-day I got my first month s wages. (He laughs.) Never earned a dol lar before in my life. May I show it to you? SIDNEY. Why, yes. GORDON. (Takes out package from pocket, un- THREE WISE FOOLS 65 wraps it it contains a very handsome watch-case. He opens it and takes out a small wrist-watch holds it up before SIDNEY, who looks at it, touched) Ifs a wrist-watch. SIDNEY. (Pause) Yes (Pause.) GORDON. It s for you. SIDNEY. You spent all your salary for that? GORDON. Why, don t you like it? SIDNEY. Of course I do. But you shouldn t have done it. GORDON. It was the very best thing I could have done with it, and by Jove ! now it can be a birthday present. (Reaches for her hand she, not realising what he is about to do, draws away.) I I want to put it on SIDNEY. Oh (GORDON puts watch on her wrist, sighs.) GORDON. Oh, I wish it were something to go on your finger. ( GORDON leans over, grabs her hand and kisses it. She rises quickly and draws away from him.) SIDNEY. (Low voice) Please, no GORDON. Why not? SIDNEY. Gordon, you you don t know me. (He tries to embrace her.) GORDON. Yes, I do. SIDNEY. (Crosses to c., speaking at same time) Please don t. We mustn t think of each other that way. GORDON. (Follows her to centre) But it s too late to say that now, I do think of you that way and you know it. I have -.thought of you that way ever since you came here that night. Don t you care a little for me, don t you, Sidney? Please tell me. SIDNEY. (Hesitates for a moment, turns, looks at GORDONJ I I GORDON. You needn t tell me now. I know you 66 THREE WISE FOOLS do. (Grabs her hands, holds them up to him.) It just is it s bigger than either of us. SIDNEY. Oh. don t say that! GORDON. Why not? You know it s true ! (They look at each other.) SIDNEY. (Weakly) Please go and dress like a good fellow. GORDON. But why? SIDNEY. I ll be late, and I mustn t keep them waiting. (She starts up to the stairs; he intercepts her.) GORDON. Oh, Sidney, I SIDNEY. Oh, Gordon we must be sensible! GORDON. (Smiling) But we are. (Takes her in his arms, draws her to hint.) What would be more sensible than this, I d like to know? (Bending toivard her.) Please, may I SIDNEY. (Weakening) And and no (She turns her head away.) GORDON. (Still holding her she facing front) I promise to go if you will. (Pause. GORDON kisses her upon the check. Pause. SIDNEY turns, looks into GORDON S eyes, places both arms about his neck and kisses him; embrace. SIDNEY clings to him for a moment.) SIDNEY. Gordon, oh, dear I ve tried to be care ful, and now it s all gone and happened GORDON. (Kissing her again not so aivkzvardly) In spite of us. (She looks at him tenderly; he kisses her on the eyes, nose, fairly gobbles her up with kisses. She fights herself clear.) SIDNEY. (Backing away from him to R. of c. up stage; he following her) Please go now you prom ised. GORDON. (Gaily) Just one more just one more and I ll go. (Trying to embrace her.) SIDNEY. (Pushing him off) No, no, Gordon ! I want to show you something. THREE WISE FOOLS 67 GORDON. (Dazed) What? SIDNEY. Why why oh (Looking about room, sees desk, runs to it opens drawer and pro duces keys) These. GORDON. What about them? SIDNEY. I am housekeeper now. GORDON. Housekeeper? SIDNEY. Yes, sir. I m going to have charge of the cellar, linen, silver, keep all the accounts, and look after the servants. (Handing keys to GORDON and crossing down R. to chair that is near settee, facing front.) GORDON. In that case you d better watch them. SIDNEY. Watch them, why? GORDON. Because one of them has been going out late, and returning before you re all up. (Places keys on table centre.) SIDNEY. What makes you think that? GORDON. A detective told ne. SIDNEY. (Sitting down involuntarily) A detec tive? GORDON. Oh ! (Crossing to her R.C.) I ve fright ened you ! SIDNEY. (Deathly pale) No, not frightened, just surprised, that s all. GORDON. Why, didn t you know this house was being watched? SIDNEY. Watched? No, wha what for? GORDON. Judge Trumbull he doesn t know it, but they think his life is in danger. You see, he s apt to be severe on criminals, and they don t like him. They nearly got him once before, so I guess that s why they re being careful. (She stares at him.) Oh, I have frightened you! It s nothing at all. Just a sort of precaution. SIDNEY. (Rising. In a quiet voice) I m not frightened. 68 THREE WISE FOOLS GORDON. Good ! Then give me one more and I ll go. (She backs from him toward window.) SIDNEY. (Smiling with an effort) No, you don t ! GORDON. Please SIDNEY. Go dress or you ll be late. GORDON. You re terribly sensible. (Goes to door R. in flat.) Anyway, there s no law against my lov ing you, is there? (Blows kiss from his hand exits door R. in flat. SIDNEY peers through curtains to get sight of the detective.) (Enter GRAY c. from dining-room sees SIDNEY as he is crossing to door R.) GRAY. I beg pardon, Miss, the door-bell. (Exit door Rj (At GRAY S exit, SIDNEY pauses for a moment, closes curtains, crosses stage back of table, picks up key-ring with keys and is startled by the voice of GRAY. Hearing the noise in the hall, she rushes toward curtains at window again.) GRAY. (In hall off stage) Just a moment, sir! You can t come in here ! Ah, let go my throat ! (Dull thud is heard off stage. SIDNEY peers from curtains just in time to see GRAY fall, being blackjacked by BENNY THE DUCK; as he falls she screams about to start toward centre. En ter BENNY quickly slams door behind hian with revolver in hand he stops SIDNEY, j BENNY. No, you don t keep quiet, do you hear? (Aiming pistol at her.) SIDNEY. (Recognising him subdued) Benny! BENNY. Sidney! THREE WISE FOOLS 69 SIDNEY. (In horror) Has anything happened to my father? BENNY. No, your father s all right. I was afraid he d been caught But what are you doing here? This is where I live. Where you live? Yes. Didn t father tell you about SIDNEY. BENNY. SIDNEY. BENNY. SIDNEY. that? BENNY. SIDNEY. BENNY. SIDNEY. BENNY. No. Then why are you here? Why, ain t this Judge Trumbull s house ? Yes. (Crosses stage in front of table, going up to electric button on wall L. of c. door, speaking at the same time) Then you get out of here quick ! Go back to your father. Hurry, now take it on the run ! (Turning out lights.) (NOTE. All brackets, foots and borders out noth ing on but the baby spot two stand lamps fireplace and from window.) SIDNEY. to do? BENNY. SIDNEY. BENNY. friend? SIDNEY. BENNY. SIDNEY. (Crosses to him) What are you going That s my business. But, Benny, these people are my friends. Friends? Is Judge Trumbull your Yes. Where is he? What do you want of the Judge? Oh (As she steps back from him in sudden horror) It can t be that Judge Trumbull s the man you told me about? BENNY. Yes, he is he s the dog that sent me up. I ve been waiting ten years to get him, damn him! (Turns away from her.) 70 THREE WISE FOOLS SIDNEY. (She catches him, turns him back to her) But you mustn t harm him now, Benny. He s be friended me, done everything for me. BENNY. It won t do no good to talk. I won t let nothin stand in my way. I swore I d get him and this is my chance. SIDNEY. No, no, Benny! You must go I beg of you ! BENNY. Tell me where he is. SIDNEY. He s gone out. BENNY. (Eyeing her) Yes, he has ! Is he out that way? Well, I ll look out here to make sure. (Starts for door left as SIDNEY watches him. She does not move; at the door he turns and looks at her.) He ain t out there, that s certain. He s up stairs, that s where he is ! (He quickly runs up to the top of the stairs; at top of stairs he looks over bannister at SIDNEY .) He ain t up here, either, eh? (Sees library door for the first time, which is L.U. entrance.) Where does that door lead to? SIDNEY. (With a little cry, rushes up to library door puts her back against it) Benny BENNY. (In triumph) Oh, so that s where he is, is it? (Comes dmvnstairs front, facing her.) SIDNEY. No, no! Now listen, Benny! You mustn t harm .the Judge ! You shan t ! BENNY. I shan t, eh? What s the reason I shan t? SIDNEY. I won t let you! I ll stop you some how! BENNY. We ll see about that! Get away from that door! SIDNEY. No ! BENNY. Go on, now, before I (As he sees this does not frighten her, he changes his tone) I don t want to hurt you, Sidney- SIDNEY. No, Benny, I won t BENNY. Then I ll have to make you ! (Grabbing THREE WISE FOOLS 71 her, he struggles with her and pushes her halfway downstairs, where she gets away from him, after struggling, and rushes to window R. BENNY turns quickly back to library door and gets his hand on the knob, as SIDNEY blows police whistle. BENNY turns and darts after her. SIDNEY rushes to door R.C.; as he starts after her) Damn you ! What are you do ing? SIDNEY. I had to do it, Benny! You made me! I had to do it ! I had to do it ! BENNY. (Catches her at door) The bulls are watching this house ! They ll get me sure ! (Whis tle blozvs off stage BENNY looks front.) SIDNEY. The police! BENNY. They ve heard you! It s all up! I m done for! SIDNEY. I couldn t help it ! I had to do it ! BENNY. And your father? They ll get him! This time they ll send him up for life! (Knocking heard off stage at outer door by POOLE, CLANCEY. POLICEMAN and SPLEVIN. Voices calling, shouting.) SIDNEY. (Crossing stage, quickly follozved by BENNY; they start upstairs) No, no! Listen, Benny ! You can escape. Come quick ! I can help you! (SIDNEY and BENNY are in the dark upon the second flight of stairs when the dining-room doors are suddenly thrown open, knocking from out side heard very loud.) (DOUGLAS rushes in, closing folding doors behind him, and runs out door R. as he opens door he sees GRAY, who is lying full length, head toward centre. Outside, seeing GRAY, he exclaims) DOUGLAS. Gray (The knocking is still con- 72 THREE WISE FOOLS tinned, which attracts DOUGLAS S attention and he exits to right as if to unlock door.) SIDNEY. By the roof ! I ve got the keys ! Fol low me ! Quickly ! Hurry ! (She runs upstairs, BENNY folloiving bang is heard on the front door, then distant voices.) VOICES. What s the matter in there? Here, let me in! (PooLE enters hurriedly, crosses stage and turns up lights. DOUGLAS re-enters immediately, motions for the officer, who assists him in placing GRAY in a sitting position with DOUGLAS at his head, holding him. CLANCEY rushes on stage from door right, joining POOLE.,) CLANCEY. WTiat s up, Chief? POOLE. (Comes up c.) Benny the Duck has got by us some way ! CLANCEY. Well, he can t get out. We ve got a guard around the house. POOLE. We ll make a search for him; the cellar first. CLANCEY. Right you are. (Goes out through hall. POOLE comes quickly back to GRAY speaks to DOUGLAS .) POOLE. Is he done for? DOUGLAS. No, his heart is still beating. POOLE. Help me get him on the sofa over there. ( POOLE takes him by the legs, DOUGLAS by the arms. They carry him in onto settee R. Then the Three Wise Men come dashing in from library, all talking together.) DR. GAUNT. What is it? | FINDLEY. What s goin on here? r- (Together.) POOLE. Your butler, Doctor. J DR. GAUNT. Good heavens, Gray! (DR. GAUNT and FINDLEY cross to GRAY, kneeling over him.) THREE WISE FOOLS 73 JUDGE. What is all this? POOLE. (To JUDGE,) I m glad to see you re all right, Judge. JUDGE. What has happened here. Poole? POOLE. It s Benny the Duck, Judge. JUDGE. Benny, eh? DR. GAUNT. My medicine case, Douglas! It s in the hall, I think. JUDGE. (To GAUNT) Is it serious, Dick? DR. GAUNT. I don t think so. He got a hard blow here on the head. But his heart action s strong. (Exit DOUGLAS door R. DR. GAUNT un loosens GRAY S shirt, collar and tie, examining him, while JUDGE and FINDLEY assist.) POOLE. I m glad it s no worse than that! I thought he was a goner when I saw him! (POLICE MAN enters quickly door R. to POOLE, who is left of door.) POLICEMAN. We ve got him, Chief! POOLE. Who, Benny? POLICEMAN. I m sure it s him! He s sneaking down the fire-escape of the next building. POOLE. Well, don t let him see any of you. POLICEMAN. Why, don t you want us to nab him? POOLE. No, follow him. I want to know where he goes. There s another one I m looking for. POLICEMAN. (As he starts for door) Right you are! POOLE. Don t let him get out of sight, now! POLICEMAN. No chance ! (Exits door R.) CLANCEY. (Entering from L.2 entrance) No one in the cellar. Chief. POOLE. (Crosses to L.C. upstage) He s got out through the roof somehow. Have a look up there let me know what you find. JUDGE. (Indicating stairs) Up that way. CLANCEY. Yes, sir. (Exits upstairs second door.) 74 THREE WISE FOOLS JUDGE. (Who has crossed to POOLEJ How did Benny get in here, Poole? POOLE. (Turns to JUDGE.) That s what I d like to know. We ve been watching- this house for a month. JUDGE. Yes, I know you have. (FINDLEY turns up to them.) POOLE. Oh (Surprised.) We didn t think you knew about that, sir. It was someone on the inside let him in. FINDLEY. What s that? (Crossing up and join ing JUDGE and POOLE, who are L.c.J ~POOLE. That s what I think. FTNDLEY. You mean someone in this house? POOLE. Are you sure that your servants here are all right, sir? (Enter SIDNEY from aborv door; she is very pale and frightened; has opera coat on; comes down steps almost to the first landing listening to the conversation, but not observed by others.) FINDLEY. Absolutely ! I ll vouch for every one of them. POOLE. Well, I ve had a report one of em s been seen going out late at night. FINDLEY. What s that? POOLE. And getting in just before daylight. FINDLEY. (Looks at JUDGE ) You ve seen one of our servants POOLE. No. I haven t, but one of the boys has. FINDLEY. I don t believe a word of it ! POOLE. Do you mind if I question them? FINDLEY. Not at all. Question them as much as you please. (SIDNEY half faints on the stairs, clinging to ban nister. As all catch sight of SIDNEY.^ THREE WISE FOOLS 75 JUDGE. Ah, Sidney- FINDLEY. Good God ! (JUDGE and FINDLEY rush i*p to assist her downstairs.) SIDNEY. I m all right. JUDGE. (As he reaches her) Why, you re trem bling like a leaf ! FINDLEY. There ! There s nothing to worry about now, dear! An escaped convict got into the house, but the police frightened him away. (By this time they ve assisted SIDNEY down the steps to the foot of the stairs; she sees GRAY with the doctor working over him on the settee R., crosses quickly to him kneels.) SIDNEY. (Horrified) Doctor, is he badly hurt? (DOUGLAS enters R. in flat with medicine case crosses down behind settee with back to audi ence at the head of GRAY.,) DR. GAUNT. No, no, dear! It s nothing serious. Take her away, Jimmy, please. DOUGLAS. (Bringing in small medicine case) Is this the one, Doctor? DR. GAUNT. Yes. (Takes case from DOUGLAS.,) Now we ll take him into the other room. (As the JUDGE and FINDLEY go to help, DOUGLAS and DR. GAUNT pick GRAY up, SIDNEY takes the pillow from under GRAY S head and returns it to the window- seat.) Don t you fellows trouble. Douglas and I can manage it. You take Sidney off to the opera and I ll follow you. Don t worry, Sidney. I ll have him on his feet in no time. (Exit DR. GAUNT, car rying GRAY off, holding his feet, with DOUGLAS bear ing him under the shoulders. They exit door R.) SIDNEY. Oh, surely we don t want to go to the opera now ! FINDLEY. (Crosses up back of table c.) Of 76 THREE WISE FOOLS course we do ! (Exit the doctor and DOUGLAS carry ing GRAY door R. in flat.) CLANCEY. (Bursting in door upstairs, rushing down stairway) He s made a getaway, Chief! He got out through the skylight ! POOLE. Yes, I know that. CLANCEY. He must have had help from the in side, all right. The one who let him in let him out! POOLE. Clancey, you reported to me that you had seen one of the servants leaving this house late at night ? CLANCEY. I did, yes. POOLE. Do you think you could identify her? CLANCEY. Why, yes, I think so. She was a slen der rather (Sees SIDNEY and abruptly comes dozvn c.) POOLE. (Going doum L.) What s the matter? CLANCEY. (Coming doum L.C. a little bewil dered) Just about the size of that lady there. (A look betwen FINDLEY and JUDGE, j FINDLEY. (Crosses to CLANCEY. JUDGE puts arms about SIDNEY. ) Now, see here ! Do you mean to accuse this young lady CLANCEY. I don t mean to accuse anybody, sir. FINDLEY. Well, you d better not! What makes you so sure that someone in the house helped that man escape? CLANCEY. Do you keep the door of your sky light open, sir ? FINDLEY. No, it s always kept locked. CLANCEY. I found it open. FINDLEY. Broken open? CLANCEY. No, sir. Opened with this key, and this bunch of keys was in the lock. (Shows bunch of keys. Another look between FINDLEY and JUDGE. FINDLEY takes the keys and he and JUDGE look at same. POOLE crosses to L.C. JUDGE takes SIDNEY to sofa R., sits.) THREE WISE FOOLS 77 JUDGE. Now, don t let anything these men say alarm you, dear. (A significant look between CLAN- CEY and POOLE.J Do you remember just what you did with your keys? SIDNEY. (Who is seated on sofa) I put them in my desk. JUDGE. And that s the last time you saw them? SIDNEY. No, I took them out and showed them to Gordon, then I left them on the table there. JUDGE. Gordon saw you take them out of your desk? SIDNEY. Yes. JUDGE. And put them on the table? SIDNEY. Yes. (JUDGE crosses above table to CLANCEY; FINDLEY crosses to settee R., takes SIDNEY in his arms.) JUDGE. All right, dear, all right! (Crosses to CLANCEY.J Now you say you saw a woman about Miss Fairchild s size leaving this house late at night? CLANCEY. Yes, sir. JUDGE. Did she come out of the front door? CLANCEY. No, sir ; by the basement door. JUDGE. How was she dressed? CLANCEY. She had on a dark dress. It was black, I should say. Sort of shabby-looking. FINDLEY. Well, Sidney hasn t any dark dress, and nothing that looks shabby. I can guarantee that. I had a hand in selecting her wardrobe myself. (His face suddenly becomes grim and he exchanges an odd look with the JUDGE SIDNEY watching them closely.) JUDGE. Where is that dress you wore when you first came here, Sidney? FINDLEY. What? SIDNEY. I don t know. 78 THREE WISE FOOLS JUDGE. You don t know? (CLANCEY crosses up centre. ) SIDNEY. Mrs. Saunders took it. (All look re lieved. JUDGE crosses up to left of c. door pulls bell-cord, crosses down back of table to R.c. to SlDNEYj JUDGE. When did she take it, dear? SIDNEY. The day after I came here. (Enter MRS. SAUNDERS door L2 entrance, crosses down L.C.J JUDGE. Oh, then you haven t had that dress for a month? SIDNEY. No, sir. JUDGE. (Turns, sees SAUNDERS, crosses to c. in front of table.) Saunders, do you remember the dress Miss Fairchild wore the evening she first came to us? SAUNDERS. (Astonished at their faces) Yes, sir. JUDGE. Do you know what became of it? SAUNDERS. I took it. JUDGE. When did you take it? SAUNDERS. The day after she came. When Mr. Findley bought her new things, sir. JUDGE. What did you do with it? SAUNDERS. Threw it in the old-clothes hamper, sir, in the back hall. I didn t think she d want it again. JUDGE. Is it there now? SAUNDERS. It was until this noon, sir. I sent it with a bundle of old clothes to the Mission. (FIND- LEY looks triumph; bus. of CLANCEY looking puz zled.) JUDGE. (Sotto voice) That will do, Saunders. (SAUNDERS crosses up to door L.2 entrance POOLE intercepting her JUDGE crossing to C.R.) THREE WISE FOOLS 79 POOLE. Do you keep that hamper locked, ma am ? (JUDGE crossing back to c. in front of table.) SAUNDERS. The old-clothes hamper? Lord, no! POOLE. So it would be an easy thing to take that dress out and put it back again? JUDGE. Poole ( POOLE turns away from SAUNDERS. ) POOLE. Yes, sir. (SAUNDERS crosses to door L.2 and opens same.) JUDGE. You say you wanted to question the serv ants? POOLE. (Comes a little to L. of c.) I did, but JUDGE. (Crosses up to library door) Show him where to go, Saunders. SAUNDERS. (At door L.2) This way. (Exit POOLE door L.2.J JUDGE. (To CLANCEY j You better go with him. CLANCEY. It wouldn t be much use now. JUDGE. (Sternly) Well, go anyway! CLANCEY. Yes, sir! (Exits hurriedly through door L.2 entrance, followed by SAUNDERS.) JUDGE. (Going upstairs) Teddy, you look after Sidney. See that she doesn t worry. I shan t be long. (Exits.) FINDLEY. (Sitting down beside her, taking her hand) There, there, Sidney ! Those fellows don t know what they re talking about, and we ll forget all about it! (He rises, crosses to chair R. of table c., brings chair to R.C., sits facing SIDNEY.) SIDNEY. I m afraid I can t. FINDLEY. Now, now, now! I know those fel lows frightened you nearly to death, the fools ! Why, that man frightened me the same way, the first night you came here. 80 THREE WISE FOOLS (Enter DR. GAUNT R.C., crosses down R.C., back of SIDNEY.) DR. GAUNT. (Cheerily) Well, well, well! Why aren t you at the opera? (Sees SIDNEY.) Why, Sid ney, what s the matter? FINDLEY. That fool detective has been frighten ing her half to death ! (Rises, crosses to table with chair.) DR. GAUNT. (To SIDNEY) What did he say to you? FINDLEY. The fool insists he saw her leaving the house late at night. DR. GAUNT. (Exploding) They thought that you Did they say Well, upon my word! Our police are the limit for stupidity and arrogance! (Crossing to L.c.J FINDLEY. (Same tone) They think someone in the house let that fellow in. DR. GAUNT. Well, he s right. FINDLEY. (Rises, places chair back of table) What? DR. GAUNT. Someone in the house did let him in, and I know who it was. FINDLEY. Well, who was it? (SIDNEY rises.) DR. GAUNT. Gray. (SIDNEY re-seats.) He just told me all about it. It was all very simple. (DR. GAUNT is down L.c.J Benny the Duck came to the front door, rang the bell, Gray let Benny in, Benny knocked Gray out, and there you are ! FINDLEY. (Crosses to SIDNEY helps her to rise) Now are you satisfied ? You^Se been tried and found innocent. (SIDNEY, attempting to smile, crosses to c. JUDGE enters down the stairs with SIDNEY S blue satin slippers he lays them on the table L.C., with the heels toward the audience, his face grave.) THREE WISE FOOLS 81 FINDLEY. It s all right, Jimmy the mystery is solved. It was Gray who let Benny in. JUDGE. (Crosses do^vn to c. in front of table) So I ve just heard. Now what we are trying to determine is who let him out. (The doctor crosses down L.C. FINDLEY R.cJ FINDLEY. What s the matter, Jimmy? Have you discovered anything? Have you found out how that fellow got those keys ? SIDNEY. (Quickly turns upstage c., her back to audience) Oh JUDGE. (Taking he-r hand and looking sear ch in gly into her face) My dear girl as long as you had nothing to do with this affair you haven t the slightest cause for alarm. The fact that you had those keys doesn t prove anything at all. And if they happened to be on this table when the man was in the room it s almost certain he d take them. Now when you left the room they were here with Gordon ? SIDNEY. Yes. JUDGE. And what did you do after Gordon left? SIDNEY. I went up to my room. JUDGE. But you didn t come back here again? SIDNEY. No. JUDGE. Then you were in your room all the time until you came down and found us here? SIDNEY. Yes. JUDGE. And you heard no disturbance, no un usual sound? SIDNEY. No, not that I remember. JUDGE. (Drops SIDNEY S hands) Now think. Sidney. Did you for any reason at all go up to the top floor? SIDNEY. No. JUDGE. You re quite sure? SIDNEY. Yes. 82 THREE WISE FOOLS JUDGE. Now, Sidney, don t let this frighten you. I ve been too many years on the criminal bench to be deceived by circumstantial evidence. I don t want you to feel that I think this counts in any way against you. (Puts hand in pocket and draws out something; keeps hand closed.) But how could it be possible for a buckle from one of your blue satin slippers to be found on the threshold of the door to the skylight? SIDNEY. (Sinks down in chair R. of table c., non plussed) I don t know. (JUDGE turns away, re lieved.) But I did cut one of the buckles off. JUDGE. (Turns back to her and in a dull voice) You cut it off? SIDNEY. Yes, but that was down here in this room. It was hanging by a thread and I cut it off. JUDGE. What did you cut it off with? SIDNEY. With nry scissors on my desk. I laid the buckle right down on the keys. (DR. GAUNT goes over to table L.C., takes up slip pers, comes c. with slippers in his hand with a look of amazement on his face.) JUDGE. (Sadly) Sidney Sidney DR. GAUNT. Why, Jimmy, both buckles are here. (FINDLEY crosses to R.c.J FINDLEY. Where s the buckle you had in your hand, Jim? JUDGE. (Opening hand) I had no buckle. (Turn ing away toward L.) There was no buckle. DR. GAUNT. Sidney FINDLEY. Good God- SIDNEY. (Desperately) Well, perhaps perhaps Saunders sewed JUDGE. Don t say any more, Sidney. We ve found out. (He crosses to table L., sits.) THREE WISE FOOLS 83 SIDNEY. (Bursting into tears) I do know him I did go out at night, but I didn t know he was com ing here ! I didn t know he knew Judge Trum- bull ! I swear it ! (She falls on knees, back to audi ence over table c.) FINDLEY. (Coldly crosses to SIDNEY, picks her up, turns her to him long pause.) How did you come to know such a man? SIDNEY. (Pulling herself together with a sudden chill of terror) I can t tell you! FINDLEY. Has this man a power over you? (Tears blur SIDNEY S eyes she says nothing.) DR. GAUNT. (Crosses to L.C. of SIDNEY,) Sidney, listen to me. You must try now for all our sakes to realize how terrible things look for you. You have confessed knowing a criminal who came here to-night to assassinate Judge Trumbull. SIDNEY. No, no, no! FINDLEY. And you helped him to escape. DR. GAUNT. (Backing away from her) What possible relation could you have with such a crea ture? (She turns and looks at them; then turns away.) SIDNEY. I can t tell you ! I can t tell you ! FINDLEY. (Angrily) You will tell us! (SIDNEY draws herself up defiantly. Bus. of cry ing through FINDLEY S speech.) SIDNEY. I can t! I can t! FINDLEY. You want us to hand you over to the police ? SIDNEY. (After long pause sobbing then in a humble voice. Turns to FINDLEY J I didn t mean any harm. (To DR. GAUNT,) I didn t mean any harm. (To JUDGEJ I didn t mean any harm. 84 THREE WISE FOOLS (DR. GAUNT crosses up back of table c.) FINDLEY. If you don t tell us the truth tell us everything we ll hand you, bag and baggage, over to the police ! SIDNEY. (Who has crossed up L.C. toward stairs) I didn t mean any harm FINDLEY. (Who follows her up to foot of stairs) Where are you going? SIDNEY. To my room. To be ready to go with the police. FINDLEY. They ll force you to tell everything. SIDNEY. (Who is up at first landing of stairs) No, no! They ll never get anything out of me! No, no ! Never, never, never ! (Runs weeping out of room and up the stairs exits hurriedly, slam ming door behind her.) (JUDGE is seated on sofa near fireplace. DR. GAUNT is down L.C. FINDLEY up back. Enter GOR DON bursts in gaily, fully dressed for the opera.) GORDON. (Cheerfully) You ve got the right idea about going to the opera. You ll get there just in time to come home. I ve hunted all over the horse shoe for you (Looking from one to the other; they don t notice him. FINDLEY has crossed over R. near unndow.) What s the matter? What s up? (Looks about alarmed.) Where is Sidney? Noth ing s happened to her? DR. GAUNT. Gordon, we accepted Sidney on faith, but we should have inquired into her past a little more. GORDON. What are you talking about, sir? DR. GAUNT. An attempt jras made on Judge THREE WISE FOOLS 85 Trumbull s life since you ve been gone. Sidney knew the criminal and she helped him to escape. (Cross to C.L.) GORDON. You re crazy, sir! FINDLEY. (Crosses to c.) No, Gordon, her guilt has been proved absolutely. GORDON. (Turns on him) Guilt? Uncle have you all gone mad ? (Turns to JUDGE. ) Do you be lieve this, Judge Trumbull? (Crosses to JUDGE. JUDGE slowly bows his head. GORDON crosses back to c.) Where is she? FINDLEY. In her room. GORDON. (Starts for stairs) I want to see her. DR. GAUNT. (Confronting him) Gordon, listen. There can be no mistake in what we ve told you. We not onlv have positive proof, but Sidney herself has confessed it. GORDON. (Knocked out for a moment) Sidney confessed? DR. GAUNT. Yes. Gordon. (GORDON turns front.) She admitted both knowing the man and helping him escaoe. GORDON. And you mean to say you believe her? Th^n you have all gone mad ! Sidney, Sidney - (GORDON dashes out of room up the stairway to SID- room and e.vits.) (PooLE knocks on hall door and comes right in, crossing to C.R. to FINDLEY .) POOLE. (Excitedly) Excuse me, gentlemen, they ve just telephoned Benny s located at a cheap boarding-house on the West side. I told them not to arrest him, but to watch the house until I got there. We may be able to get bigger fish. Now about that young lady -- I d like to tell you GORDON. (Re-enters hurriedly down the stairs, 86 THREE WISE FOOLS speaking at the same time) She s not in her room : she s gone ! DR. GAUNT. Gone? EINDLEY. Escaped ? POOLE. If it s the young lady that s under sus picion, we ve got her. GORDON. (Who has crossed to POOLE) You ve got her? POOLE. She went down the servants stairs a few minutes ago. But the boys are following her. Give her plenty of rope, that s my method. (Starts as if to exit.) GORDON. (Turns to POOLE) See here, these gen tlemen were mistaken about Miss Fairchild. (Turns pleadingly to the Three Wise Men.) Tell him that she s innocent, won t you? (They are all silent short pause. ) FINDLEY. But we know she s guilty. GORDON. (Turning to FINDLEY) Guilty? Here are the pearls you gave her. She left them on her dressing-case. I suppose you ll think that that s another proof of her guilt ! (Throws string of pearls down at FINDLEY S feet.) POOLE. If she s innocent she can explain that to the Commissioner. GORDON. Wait a minute. I m going with you. (Crosses over near the door R.) FINDLEY. (Up c.) Where are you going? GORDON. Where I belong wherever Sidney is! JUDGE. (Crossing to the L. of table c.) What do you think you can do? GORDON. I can t do worse than you have done! DR. GAUNT. Wait, Gordon ! We know how you feel, but don t you see GORDON. Yes, I do see, but you don t. Because THREE WISE FOOLS 87 you re blind. Blind to everything but yourselves. You think you re Three Wise Men but you re not ; you re three damn old fools, that s what you are three damn old fools ! (Exit hurriedly.) CURTAIN ACT III SCENE: Same as before. All the flowers have dis appeared. Set to be exactly same as first act. It is half an hour later. DR. GAUNT is at sofa, staring into space. FINDLEY is c. at his card- table, looking front. Hold this until door L.U. opens. SAUNDERS enters, carrying SIDNEY S two handbags, comes down the stairs very quietly, crosses to FINDLEY. FINDLEY, after awhile, pretends to notice SAUNDERS for the first time. DR. GAUNT watches her fixedly, and FINDLEY, fol- lounng the doctor s glance, sees her also. MRS. SAUNDERS has a mournful expression on her face and has difficulty in keeping her voice from breaking as she speaks. SAUNDERS. The room is quite cleared out now, Mr. Findley. Miss Sidney brought these with her when she came. Shall I keep them for her, sir? (Enter DOUGLAS down the stairs.) FINDLEY. Yes, I suppose they ll he called for. (SAUNDERS crosses stage and exits with bags, door R. FINDLEY has watched her exit, turns and sees DOUGLAS standing on his left as he is playing cards. ) What is it, Douglas? DOUGLAS. It s about Gray, sir. DR. GAUNT. (Quickly looking up) He isn t any worse, is he? 88 THREE WISE FOOLS 89 DOUGLAS. No, sir, but he s insisting on getting up and dressing, sir. DR. GAUNT. Oh DOUGLAS. He says it s nearing your bedtime, sir, and he wants to get up and get your apples and hot water. He won t let me do it. FINDLEY. Well, you tell him that Dr. Gaunt says we are not to have apples and hot water any more, Douglas. DOUGLAS. (Starts upstairs to library door. Stops at the door.) Beg pardon, sir! FINDLEY. Apples and hot water are "ruts," Douglas, and we re not to have ruts here, Douglas, because if you get into ruts you re dead, but if you get out of ruts and have plenty of excitement and tonic emotions and buttercups and daisies and all the other damn things why, you can live on for ever ! DOUGLAS. Yes, sir. (Exits.) FINDLEY. (Sarcastically, looking at the doctor, who is puffing huge clouds of smoke) Eminent psychologist. Marvelous specialist. Bah! (Slams card on table, imitating the doctor s voice) "Ruts, Teddy, ruts we re all dead and we don t know it, Teddy, because of ruts" (Pause.) I like ruts, and by God! I want ruts, and the next time any body tries to put a stop to my ruts I ll give him a kick right in the middle of his sympathetic system ! (Pause.) I don t see why in the name of hell DR. GAUNT. Teddy (FINDLEY looks around at SIDNEY S writing-desk, rises, crosses to it takes coin from pocket and puts it into glass jar is about to go back to his ozvn table turns, looks at glass far, then at the doctor. Empties all the coins into his own hand from jar, pla-ces them in his pocket, crosses back c. and seats himself at his own table.) 90 THREE WISE FOOLS DR. GAUNT. (Coughs self-consciously trying to make conversation) I I ve been reading my articles over. FINDLEY. And by God, it serves you right! I wish you had to read them over for the rest of your life! (DR. GAUNT resumes his reading. FINDLEY turns, back to his game. Enter SAUNDERS and stands on FINDLEY S right.) SAUNDERS. Here s the needle and thread you asked for, sir. FINDLEY. (After a look at his clothes) I asked for a needle and thread? SAUNDERS. You said you wanted to string the pearls, sir. FINDLEY. Oh (He slowly takes them from his coat pocket, looks at them, then takes thread, and slowly begins to string the pearls. SAUNDERS watches him for a moment gives moaning sob.) Now, what s the matter with you? SAUNDERS. I m upset, sir. FINDLEY. Go away and be upset somewhere else. (SAUNDERS goes back of FINDLEY to ~L.) SAUNDERS. I am going away, sir, for good. FINDLEY. What s that? SAUNDERS. (Comes back to his L.) I ve got to, Mr. Findley. FINDLEY. You mean you re giving notice? SAUNDERS. Yes, sir, I am. DR. GAUNT. (Rises, comes to front of table L.j Why, Saunders, what s the trouble? SAUNDERS. (Crossing to L.c.j Why, I can t stand such goings on, sir. With murderers in the house, and those detectives suspecting us all and your THREE WISE FOOLS 91 driving out that poor girl (FINDLEY looks at the doctor.) FINDLEY. Ah, hah! SAUNDERS. I could never be contented here again, never ! (Cries.) FINDLEY. (To the doctor) Well, Dr. Quack, I hope you re satisfied. DR. GAUNT. (Turns to FINDLEY j What have I got to do vvith it? FINDLEY. What have you got to do with it? Saunders was in a rut, well ordered and happy ; she s being pulled out violently, rolled among your butter cups, and now look at the damn thing! (Exit SAUNDERS, door L.C. entrance, with toss of her head. ) DR. GAUNT. (After a pause rises, throws medi cal journal on table L. crosses to FINDLEY J Teddy, do you want to know something? FINDLEY. (Who is stringing SIDNEYS string of beads) Not from you! DR. GAUNT. (With a sigh) I don t wonder! (L.C.) We so-called psychologists are nothing but wind-bags so easy to theorize, and yet at the first touch of real life, I collapse like a pricked balloon. FINDLEY. Well, there s no use crying about it. DR. GAUNT. No. That s true and you must admit (Crossing back to FINDLEY ) there was something in my theory. The change did lift us a long way up. FINDLEY. It did, and then dropped us ! DR. GAUNT. I know, I know! (Sighs.) Oh, dear! (Crosses back to sofa L. sits humbly.) FINDLEY. (Rises crosses down L., pats the doc tor on arm) Oh, come now, Dick! Come! Don t let it get you again ! Remember, we agreed to spend this evening just as we always did before just as 92 THREE WISE FOOLS we always did. I m doing it I ve been playing cards and joking. DR. GAUNT. (Looks at him with a rueful laugh) Yes! FINDLEY. But I can t joke all alone. Nobody can be light-hearted and jolly with everybody else in the house sniffling around. (FINDLEY turns, sees DOUG LAS, who has entered door L.2 and crosses stage, as if to exit door R.2. To DOUGLAS hotly) Now what the devil is the matter with you? (DOUGLAS stops R.c.J DOUGLAS. The door-bell, sir. The Judge, I think. (DOUGLAS opens door R.2 entrance, leaving it open, and exits into hall, as if to open the outside door for the JUDGE.) FINDLEY. Jimmy is back from the police station. (Crosses back to table L., picks up medical journal.) Come, now, don t let him see how you re feeling. DR. GAUNT. You mean how we re feeling. FINDLEY. I mean how you re feeling I feel all right ! (Grabs up medical journal and presses it into the doctor s hand.) Here, Buttercuo, take your damned old medical journal and smile at that! (Quickly scrambles back into his seat and begins to play solitaire furiously.) Now, here for God s sake try to smile ! (DR. GAUNT pretends to read. The doctor starts humming the Highland Fling. FINDLEY starts whistling as before, now a trifle louder. Enter DOUGLAS in reception hall, followed by JUDGE TRUMBULL. JUDGE hands hat to DOUGLAS, and DOUGLAS assists him in removing coat and muf fler. DOUGLAS exits urith same. JUDGE enters door R.2 entrance, sees FINDLEY and the doctor and starts dancing the Highland Fling, singing THREE WISE FOOLS 93 ta, ta, ta, etc. FINDLEY and the doctor stop suddenly and look at the JUDGE in utter horror. After a pause as if nothing had happened, walks up c. and then down R.c.J DR. GAUNT. Any news ? JUDGE. (Trying to speak cheerfully) No, Poole hadn t put in an appearance or made a report. They re to call me up the minute they hear from him. You haven t heard anything here? DR. GAUNT. No, nothing. FINDLEY. No, and we don t want to. (Enter DOUGLAS door R.2, crosses down to the R. of the JUDGE. ) Why don t you drop it, Jimmy? There s nothing we can do. JUDGE. I want to know how Sidney knew that man. I must know that. DOUGLAS. (Solicitously) Won t you have your dressing-gown and slippers, sir? JUDGE. No, I may go out again later. Tell Thomas to keep the car here. DOUGLAS. Yes, sir. (Bows, crosses upstage to SIDNEY S writing-desk, speaking at the same time) Saunders says this is to go to the attic. (Picks up SIDNEY S writing-desk and exits door R.2 entrance with desk.) (JUDGE comes to c. table, picks up pearls where FINDLEY has laid them. DR. GAUNT and FIND- LEY watch him he then puts them down and crosses down R. to large armchair.) DR. GAUNT. (Who, urith FINDLEY, has been watching DOUGLAS exit) Think, boys, she left us only an hour ago, and already everything of hers has disappeared! 94 THREE WISE FOOLS (FiNDLEY tries to stop the doctor talking on the sub ject, making frantic signals and pantomime. JUDGE has placed pearls upon c. table, walks to settee R.C., and sits. FINDLEY whistles and the doctor starts being gay again.) FINDLEY. Have a drink, Jimmy? JUDGE. (In cheerful tone) No, thanks. (Awk ward silence.) FINDLEY. (Disgusted) Oh, what the DR. GAUNT. (Breaking silence) What do you think, Jimmy Gray wanted to get up and dress, so he could bring us our apples and hot water ! (The doctor laughs heartily.) FINDLEY. Yes. what do you think of that, Jimmy ? Ha, ha! (Laughs very loudly suddenly stops. JUDGE smiles.) DR. GAUNT. (After pause) And Saunders has given notice. (Laughs. JUDGE, dismayed, stops smiling suddenly. Rises, crosses to C.R. to FIND- LEY FINDLEY laughing hard again.) FINDLEY. Yes, old Saunders came in here Ha, ha! (Sees JUDGE S grave face.) Oh, I feel rotten ! JUDGE. Yes. I know, Teddy. FINDLEY. (Very miserable) Well, I always feel rotten Saturday night. Next day is Sunday can t go to the office makes you blue. JUDGE. Yes, but this is Thursday, Teddy. (Cross ing behind FINDLEY to L.C., dozvn stage.) FINDLEY. Oh DR. GAUNT. (Rising, throws down medical jour nal on table L. ) Yes, this is Thursday, Teddy ! (He starts laughing.) FINDLEY. Oh, come from behind your mask, But tercup! (FINDLEY rises, comes doivn c.) JUDGE. (Who is L.C. DR. GAUNT crosses to him THREE WISE FOOLS 95 with back to audience) Oh, what s the use of our pretending, we re not deceiving anybody? DR. GAUNT. (Putting hand on his shoulder) Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy! (They form a group JUDGE with left arm on the doctor s shoulder, right one on FINDLEY S FINDLEY with arm about JUDGE J JUDGE. Boys, we re nothing but children looking out of windows. DR. GAUNT. Cheer up, Jimmy. At least we ve got each other. FINDLEY. That s right (About to curse looks and sees SIDNEY S glass jar.) By gosh DR. GAUNT. After all, the love of woman is an unstable thing and for the most part founded on selfishness, and I believe that FINDLEY. Are you beginning a speech? DR. GAUNT. No, Teddy, I just want to say- FINDLEY. I know you always just want to say and the next thing we know it s bedtime. JUDGE. Don t, Teddy go on, Dick. FINDLEY. Hum all right, go on. DR. GAUNT. Don t worry, I am going. We three old fossils have formed a triumvirate that has stood the test through many a storm. FINDLEY. Now you re saying something. DR. GAUNT. And we re going on this way to the very last trump, by gad! Three guardsmen to the end one for all DOCTOR, JUDGE and FINDLEY. (Together) And all for one ! (Raising hands together as if they had swords pointing upwards.) FINDLEY. And from now on we re through with women. DR. GAUNT. Yes, forever! (He crosses to L.I entrance, followed by JUDGE FINDLEY crosses to R. Enter DOUGLAS door L.2 entrance going to phone, picks it up.) 96 THREE WISE FOOLS DOUGLAS. The telephone, gentlemen. DR. GAUNT. Is it about Sidney?" Let me have that, Douglas. JUDGE. What does she say? Let me have it. What does she say ? FINDLEY. Who is it, Douglas ? Is it from Sidney? Tell me, Douglas, what does she say? (All three at the same time clamoring about DOUG LAS very excited, fighting for the phone.) Who is it, Douglas? DOUGLAS. A reporter, sir. (All, with exclama tions of disgust, return to their former positions. FINDLEY crosses and sits in large armchair L.) FINDLEY. Tell them there s no one here. JUDGE. (Sitting dejectedly, thinking of SIDNEY,) No one here. (DOUGLAS exits, door L.C., center exit, as if to speak in phone off stage. The Three* Wise Fools gradually become occupied with their own thoughts. The doctor takes chair which is R. of table L., places it L. of table L., sits.) DR. GAUNT. jectedly.) No one here. (Staring front de- (After pause GORDON enters, door R.2. Pauses, takes in situation, takes chair from up R V brings it down stage, sits R. of c. After pause FIND- LEY looks down, sees GORDON S feet. GORDON is sitting on a line with FINDLEY then FIND- LEY looks up and sees GORDON, turns back, staring front, turns and looks at GORDON again.) FINDLEY. (After a long pause) Huh! So so THREE WISE FOOLS 97 you ve come to your senses, have you? ( JUDGE and DR. GAUNT look toivard GORDON. ) GORDON. Yes, sir. FINDLEY. Thought it was best to comfe back here? GORDON. Yes, sir. FINDLEY. (With a grunt) All right. What have you come back for? (Pause.) GORDON. To see if you three had come to your senses. (Pause.) Have you? (The doctor and JUDGE look at GORDON. ) FINDLEY. No! If we had we wouldn t let you in the house after what you ve said. GORDON. I know. I lost my temper. But I m sorry for what I said. I meant every word of it. (Look from Three Wise Men.) But I m sorry I said it. FINDLEY. (Sarcastically) Did you come back here to tell us that? GORDON. I came back to talk it over. FJNDLEY. (Pause) Well, the subject is closed. GORDON. Then I m going to open it again. (The JUDGE moves, GORDON rises and crosses to table c.) I want to know this if I could prove to you three that Sidney s innocent of any wrong-doing, whether you would agree not to make any charge against her (They all look at him in great surprise.) FINDLEY. Then you ve not come to your senses? GORDON. (Crosses to FINDLEY, who is R., stilly sitting) Why haven t I? FINDLEY. Not if you still believe she s inno cent. GORDON. Believe she s innocent? (Crossing back to his position R. of table c. facing audience.) I know she s innocent! (All jump up and surround him.) 98 THREE WISE FOOLS FTNDLEY. Tell us what you mean, "* Gordon ? JUDGE. Have you found any new > (Together) evidence? DOCTOR. What is it you ve heard ? _ FTNDLEY. How do you know? (Pause.) GORDON. I ve looked into her eyes. (All groan and resume their seats.) FINDLEY. My God ! (Sits doimt disgusted. Af ter a pause) Then you ve seen her, have you? GORDON. Not since you drove her away. FINDLEY. (Losing his temper) Now, I won t stand GORDON. (Who is R.C. of table) All right, sir. Not since she left, then I want to tell you some thing, Uncle, and I d like to have Dr. Gaunt and the Judge hear it, too. (All look at GORDON .) I don t know whether any of you will be able to under stand what I mean, but* I love Sidney. JUDGE. (Quietly) "Why should you think that s hard for us to understand, Gordon? GORDON. Why, you all seemed so darned sur prised (GORDON crosses to L. to JUDGED just be cause I don t jump at the conclusion that Sidney s guilty of some horrible crime. JUDGE. Gordon, you can t imagine that we wanted to distrust Sidney. Why, we love her, too! GORDON. Why, Judge, I don t think you know what love means. (Bus. of all three looking at GOR DON.,) JUDGE. Well, perhaps you can tell us what it means, Gordon? GORDON. I can tell you what it means to me. It means there isn t any use of anything without Sid ney. It" I ve got to lose her, I don t care what hap pens! The whole world just stops for me that s all ! Then there s another thing about it that s worse still much worse. (Turns and faces FINDLEY and 99 the doctor.) Sidney s in trouble, whether she s inno cent or guilty, or good or bad, or whatever she is she s in trouble and this is a hell of a time to stop and bother about whether she s guilty or not ! JUDGE. (Rises) Gordon, I m afraid I admire you and care more for you at this moment than T ever did before, and I m very certain that I envy you! GORDON. Why is it, sir, that you all want to give Sidney the worst of it? FINDLEY. (Rises, after regarding GORDON in as tonishment for a moment) You mean to say you think we ve been giving Sidney the worst of it? GORDON. (Crossing c. to FINDLEY ) I do, yes. FINDLEY. Perhaps you can explain how. GORDON. Well, I can try. You. say a criminal came into the house to kill the Judge? FINDLEY. Yes. GORDON. Well, why didn t he do it? FINDLEY. Because he was alarmed by the police. GORDON. Well, who alarmed the police? FINDLEY. I don t know. GORDON. Well, if you cared for Sidney as much as I do, you d have found out. They were alarmed by a police whistle ! FINDLEY. "What? (The doctor rises.) GORDON. Someone in the house blew a police whistle. FINDLEY. How do you know? GORDON. Poole told me. Now, none of the serv ants blew it. I ve asked them all. And unless one of you three* did, it must have been Sidney. Why, Judge, you owe your life to Sidney, that s what I think! (Crosses to JUDGE.) DR. GAUNT. Why, this is amazing, Gordon ! GORDON. Then there s another thing you surely wouldn t want to have Sidney arrested unless she did something wrong. Now what do you think she s TOO THREE WISE FOOLS done ? It s certain she didn t want to rob you. She even left the pearls here that you gave her. It s certain she didn t want to do you any injury, because she alarmed the police, and there was no reason for her to do you any wrong. No motive. (Crossing back to FINDLEY, who is c.R.j Can t you see that, Uncle? FINDLEY. (Penitently humbly hands on GOR DON S shoulder) Gordon, is there anything you want us to do for you? GORDON. (Quickly) Yes. sir, I don t want you to make any charges against her, so that they won t take her to jail. JUDGE. I m afraid that won t make any differ ence if Poole finds her. GORDON. (Crossing to L. to JUDGED Why, Poole won t have her arrested unless you prefer charges against her. JUDGE. What ? GORDON. Poole believes that she is innocent ; he s ready to swear to it. JUDGE. What makes you think that? GORDON. Because I had a heart-to-heart talk with him, and I made him understand that if Sidney doesn t see the inside of a jail he s going to be a very rich man. (Pause.) FINDLEY. ( Crosses up stage and down) Ah, ha ! GORDON. At first he thought he couldn t let her go, but after (Hesitates) after we came to an un derstanding he said he d have her brought here, and if you three refuse to accuse her, he would let her go. JUDGE. Did you say you hadn t seen Sidney? GORDON. No, sir, I wanted to go with Poole, but when I found her fate was up to you gentlemen, I thought it was best to come back and talk to you. JUDGE. Well, you needn t worry about us, Gor don ; we ll do everything we can for her. DR. GAUNT. Yes, everything, Gordon. THREE WISE FOOLS 101 GORDON. (With great relief) You re a brick, sir. You re all bricks even uncle. (Enter DOUGLAS door R.C.J DOUGLAS. Mr. Poole (All turn quickly.) (PooLE enters all three men crowd about hint. POOLE crosses down R.C. DOUGLAS exits door R.2.) (Together.) JUDGE. Have you found her? DR. GAUNT. Did you bring her with you ? FINDLEY. Where is she? POOLE. She s outside in the car. FINDLEY. What car? POOLE. (Indicating GORDON) This gentleman s ; he insisted upon my using it. Swellest ride I ever had, sir. FINDLEY. Well, why the devil did you leave her outside ? POOLE. She doesn t want to come in. (They look at him for a moment.) GORDON. No wonder. POOLE. (Crossing to GORDON, who is L.c.j Your orders were, sir, that I wasn t to force her to do anything. (To GORDON,) Could you get them to agree not to prefer any charges, sir? FINDLEY. (Coming up to him hotly) Well, has anyone around here preferred charges? POOLE. (Crossing to R.C., looking at him in sur prise) Why, I thought FINDLEY. Oh, you thought well, we d have less trouble around here if you d stop thinking. Now we re not making any charges and have no idea of making any charges. Is that clear ? POOLE. Yes, sir. 102 THREE WISE FOOLS FINDLEY. Well, then (Goes upstage to c.) (DOUGLAS enters removes chair up to C.L. .of D.) DOUGLAS. (To POOLEJ One of your men, sir. (PooLE turns up.) CLANCEY. (Entering) We brought him over here, Chief. POOLE. Brought who over here? CLANCEY. (Surprised) Benny the Duck. POOLE. What the devil did you do that for? CLANCEY. Wasn t those your orders? POOLE. My orders no! CLANCEY. Well, that s what Grogan told us ; to report here with the prisoner, he said. POOLE. No no, what I told Grogan was about the young lady if they got her before I arrived. I was going to bring her here. CLANCEY. Well, he didn t tell me that. GORDON. (Crosses to R.c.J Can t you bring that fellow in here, Poole? POOLE. Why, yes, sir. Certainly, anything you say. Go get him, Clancey. (Signals CLANCEY, who exits. ) GORDON. (To three men) Perhaps we can get something out of him so that we could go out and apologize to Sidney. She d want to come in then. Douglas, tell Saunders that Miss Sidney (Smile from DOUGLAS,) is outside in my car, and have her go out and keep her company. DOUGLAS. (Face lighting up) Yes, sir. . (Exit quickly D.R. in F. CLANCEY and POLICEMAN enter with BENNY between them. GORDON and the three men turn and look at him curiously.) POOLE. (Going up and taking BENNY S arm) All right I ve got him. (CLANCEY and POLICEMAN exit. POOLE takes BENNY down stage.) Come over here, Benny. THREE WISE FOOLS 103 BENNY. What are you bringing me here for? POOLE. These gentlemen want to know what you did when you came here to-night. BENNY. You won t get nothin out of me. (Sud denly sees the JUDGE, j That s him there s the (Tries to go for the JUDGE a general movement.) POOLE. (Tightening his hold on him) None of that that won t get you anything! Now how d you make a get-away ? Come on, come across ! BENNY. No, not me no, not a word ! You got me, all right, but I m the only one you got, and you can t get me to spill anything I m no squealer, do you hear? (He has worked himself up to a frenzy and shouts the last line to POOLE. ) DR. GAUNT. Now, just a moment let me look at this man. (Goes to BENNY, who is down R.IE.) It s all right, Benny, I m a doctor. BENNY. Huh ! DR. GAUNT. That s better just look at me don t be afraid. We want to help you if we can that s it just look at me a minute. (Lifts his right eyelid.) You re not as strong as you were. BENNY. I m strong enough. DR. GAUNT. Doesn t it hurt you there, Benny sometimes ? (Touches the back of his neck. BENNY winces.) BENNY. Yes, it does. DR. GAUNT. Just as I thought. This man is sick, Poole ; he ought to be in a hospital ! BENNY. No, I m all right. DR. GAUNT. Now, Benny, I m going to see if I can help you. We don t want you to say anything that would incriminate anyone else, we just want you to tell us why you broke into this house. BENNY. (Savagely) I ll tell you that ! It was to get him! (Points to JUDGE. ) That s why I did! DR. GAUNT. Now, now ! You didn t know any one else in this house? 104 THREE WISE FOOLS BENNY. No. DR. GAUNT. And you didn t see anyone in here you knew? BENNY. (Glancing about, frightened) No. ( DOUGLAS* enters hall door, comes to GORDON. ) DOUGLAS. Saunders is bringing Miss Sidney in, sir. FINDLEY. Ah, Sidney ! BENNY. (Stares about wildly) Take me out of here ! (Imploringly to DR. GAUNT. ) Make them take me out of here, will you? I ll talk to you if you will. I ll tell you everything 1 1 can. GORDON. (Urgently) Do, Doctor, please ! (Goes to DOUGLAS. DR. GAUNT goes quickly to dining- room, door.) DR. GAUNT. Bring- him in here, Poole. (PooLE, going up quickly with BENNY, exits, fol lowed by DR. GAUNT. ) GORDON. (Turns to DOUGLAS,) Douglas, a<4c Miss Sidney if I may see her for a moment. Tell her it s most important. DOUGLAS. Yes, sir. (Exits in hallway, closing door.) GORDON. Uncle, will you and the Judge go in, too? FINDLEY. What? Oh! Come on, Jimmy. (He exits, closing both doors with an inquisitive ear.) (GORDON crosses to fireplace, his hand clenched Zi alks up and down in front of the fireplace, keeping his eye on the hall door R., which DOUG LAS re-opens slowly, and SIDNEY stands on the threshold. DOUGLAS closes door.) THREE WISE FOOLS 105 SIDNEY. You wanted to see me? GORDON. (Goes c. below table) Yes, I do. SIDNEY. (Closes door and goes slowly to him she stands facing him. GORDON stands motionless, looking into her eyes. After a pause beginning a sentence) You you ve heard about it (She can t continue.) GORDON. Yes SIDNEY. Why did you want to see me? GORDON. Sidney I want to ask you just one question ? SIDNEY. (Turning front and shaking her head) I can t What is the question? GORDON. Will you marry me? SIDNEY. (After a long pause she stands per fectly motionless, looking at him, then her face lights up a little f and she raises her hands slightly and then lets them fall to her sides; she then speaks in a little surprised tone) Why GORDON. Because I love you and want you to be my wife. SIDNEY. Don t you know that I wouldn t GORDON. Sidney ! SIDNEY. Gordon, I can t tell you what this means for you to ask me to. You said to-nierht that you knew that I loved you I do but just think you re asking a woman to marry you who s under arrest ! GORDON. Don t talk that way, Sidney. SIDNEY. But it s true. GORDON. But it isn t that s all been settled. And they realize now they made a terrible mistake. SIDNEY. You mean that I am free? GORDON. Of course. SIDNEY. Gordon, Mr. Poole told me that you had him bring me here and that you were trying to GORDON. Don t speak of it, Sidney. SIDNEY. (Crosses to L.c.J I can t thank you. io6 THREE WISE FOOLS There aren t any words. I can only love you, and say good-bye. GORDON. (Crossing to her) But where are you going ? SIDNEY. (Crossing up L.C. toward stairs) Please don t ask me that. I ve got something to do that I can t tell anyone about. GORDON. But you can tell me. I wouldn t let anyone know I wouldn t breathe it to a soul. SIDNEY. You wouldn t? GORDON. No, and I m sure you re doing the right thing, Sidney. I know I would be doing exactly the same thing myself if I only knew what the devil it was. (DOUGLAS knocks at door R.2 entrance, entering im mediately.) DOUGLAS. Excuse me, sir, but there s a man here to see Mr. Poole he says it s very urgent. GORDON. He s in there. (Points to dining-room.) (DOUGLAS goes to dining-room door opens it shoiving all three men at the door in listening attitude. GORDON crosses to door L.2 entrance. At entrance of FINDLEY, GORDON confused exits hurriedly, followed by SIDNEY. DOUG LAS steps back apologetically. JUDGE and the doctor close door quickly. Bus. between DOUG LAS and FINDLEY. FINDLEY tumbles into the room, turns quickly to go out, but the doctor and JUDGE have quickly closed the doors in his face. SIDNEY and GORDON have gone out door L. he turns finding them gone then turning R., discovers DOUGLAS standing ill at ease.) $ FINDLEY. (Bursting with wrath as he finds a vic tim) What the hell do you mean opening that door THREE WISE FOOLS 107 without knocking? Don t you know how to knock at a door ? Open the door like that and a man stand ing right there ! What do you want, anyway ? DOUGLAS. A man to see Mr. Poole, sir. FINDLEY. One of his men ? DOUGLAS. I don t know, sir. FINDLEY. Well, tell him to come in here. DOUGLAS. Yes, sir. (DOUGLAS opens door R.2 entrance, holds it open, for CRAWSHAY to enter. As CRAWSHAY enters, DOUGLAS closes door and exits, CRAWSHAY enters, looking about, conies down R.C. FINDLEY turns and sees him. FINDLEY crossing to CRAWSHAY, who is R.C.) FINDLEY. I believe you wanted to (Crosses in front of table c. As CRAWSHAY recognizes FIND- LEY he turns front. FINDLEY half recognises CRAW SHAY, stops speaking; goes over to him; he comes down close in order to see his face.) John Craw- shay don t you remember me, Jack? CRAWSHAY. Yes, I m looking for a man named Poole. (Pause.) He s a detective. They told me he s in here. FINDLEY. What do you want with Poole? CRAWSHAY. There s a reward out for me, and I want him to get it. I thought if he did FINDLEY. You mean you re giving yourself up. Now see here you escaped from prison with "Benny the Duck. CRAWSHAY. Yes. FINDLEY. I want you to tell me something, Jack. Do you know a girl named Sidney Fairchild? CRAWSHAY. That s why I m here. FINDLEY. (Quickly) Tell me what you know about her. CRAWSHAY. I ve heard she s in the hands of the police, and I know she s innocent. I brought all this trouble on her, and she s innocent. io8 THREE WISE FOOLS FINDLEY. (Pause) How did you come to know her? CRAWSHAY. In Atlanta. They were showing her through the prison, and she stopped and talked with me. FINDLEY. And did she talk to Benny the Duck, too? CRAWSHAY. Yes ; his cell was next to mine, and then she came again ; she came as often as they d allow it until we got away. FINDLEY. And Sidney knew you were going to escape ? CRAWSHAY. No, we didn t know it ourselves un til that night when the chance came. FINDLEY. Then how did she find you were in New York? CRAWSHAY. Benny sent her word. And then she came here and she s been helping us ever since. Why, we d have starved if it hadn t been for her. I wish to God we had, now. Why, she oh, but I m wasting time. Won t you let me see Mr. Poole ? FINDLEY. You don t need to see him now, Jack. CRAWSHAY. What do you mean? Tell me what you mean? FINDLEY. I mean Sidney s free and none of the police are going to arrest her or come near her, I can. promise you that. CRAWSHAY. (With great relief) Thank God! FINDLEY. But why didn t she tell us? (Crosses to R. corner) Why didn t she confide in us? CRAWSHAY. How could she? The poor girl knew if she told you it would be your duty to notify the authorities, and that you would be held criminally responsible if you didn t. FINDLEY. That s true. CRAWSHAY. No, don t hold that against her. FINDLEY. Hold it against her? I m not holding anything against her. Why, I m going to have her THREE WISE FOOLS 109 marry my nephew. You don t think I d do that if I held anything against her, do you? CRAWSHAY. Your nephew? The one she calls Gordon ? FINDLEY. That s the one. And I can tell you that he s the er well, never mind that. Jack, I never did believe you were guilty, never and that s a fact. Was I right? CRAWSHAY. Yes. I was not guilty. But that s over long ago. I was convicted ; the evidence was conclusive; there were the notes with my endorse ment. I was helpless. Why, I (Dining-room door opens. POOLE enters with BENNY. DR. GAUNT and JUDGE follow them as they come on. CRAWSHAY pushes FINDLEY firmly away and steps up to POOLE quickly who has advanced R.c.J BENNY. (Seeing CRAWSHAY for the first time, crosses down R.C. FINDLEY is R. corner,) Governor ! CRAWSHAY. (Crossing to R.c.J Is your name Poole? POOLE. (Who is R.C., after glance at BENNY j That s my name. CRAWSHAY. I am John Crawshay, and I m ready to go with you. BENNY. Oh, Governor, what are you doing? You re crazy ! They couldn t have got you. I didn t squeal, and she s all right. They ve got nothing on her at all ; they told me so. CRAWSHAY. (Quickly) Stop, Bennie ! Don t say any more! BENNY. Yes, I will. I ll say everything now. It will kill her if you are sent up again! It will kill her! DR. GAUNT. What do you mean, Benny? no THREE WISE EOOLS BENNY. I ll tell you what I mean. He s her father, Doc! CRAWSHAY. Benny BENNY. Oh, you can t stop me now! He s her father, and it will kill her if he goes back ! POOLE. (Takes BENNY by arm) That will do, Benny ! BENNY. (Hesitating) No, no, wait a minute! Will you lend me your pencil, Doc? DR. GAUNT. (Taking fountain-pen from his pocket) Will this do? BENNY. Yes, that s better. Can I sit down there a minute? (Indicates card-table.) DR. GAUNT. (Places chair behind table c.) All right, Poole. (Signals POOLE to allow BENNY to sit at card-table c. BENNY takes pen, pauses, thinking hard for a moment, then picks up one of the playing cards, makes a few marks on it, throzvs it away; takes another card and writes for a moment very slowly; all watch him curiously; he finishes writing, rises, hands pen to doctor and, indicating CRAWSHAY, speaks.) BENNY. Show him that, will you? (He hands the doctor the card.) (DR. GAUNT looks at the card blankly, crosses to R. of c. and hands it to CRAWSHAY, who glances at it; starts slightly; then his face slowly ex presses amazement; after a pause.) FINDLEY. What is it. Jack? CRAWSHAY. (In low tone, handing card to FINI> LEYJ My signature. POOLE. (Who has taken card and looked at it) Well, I m damned! BENNY. Now you know it all, Governor. Now you know what I ve been keeping from you ever THREE WISE FOOLS in since I first met you in the pen. (FINDLEY crosses to BENNY, R.C.) Yes, it was me. (GORDON enters from library.) GORDON. Oh, I say, Uncle ( FINDLEY crosses up R.C., sees GORDON, crosses up to stairs L.) FINDLEY. Just a minute, Gordon. (GORDON closes library door quietly, stands staring at them.) Bet ter go in the hall, Dick. GORDON. (Off stage) Wait, Sidney. (GORDON exits through library. DR. GAUNT goes to hall door and opens it. FINDLEY comes to CRAWSHAY.) DR. GAUNT. Will you step out here, Poole? ( FINDLEY crosses to window R., then up to c.R.J FINDLEY. (To CRAWSHAY) She s in there. (Exit BENNY, followed by POOLE. Door R.2 en trance.) CRAWSHAY. Don t let her see Benny and me if you can help it, please. JUDGE. (Crossing from c. to R.C. to CRAWSHAY offers hand) Mr. Crawshay, I am Judge Trumbull. CRAWSHAY. (Bus. of shaking hands) Yes! JUDGE. I want you to feel that I m entirely at your service, and I assure you that your case will be reopened at once. (Sees that POOLE has made an exit.) Oh, Mr. Poole (Exit door R.2 entrance. Re-enter GORDON from library L.3 entrance.) GORDON. Oh, Uncle! CRAWSHAY. (Crosses up and starts for right U.E.; ii2 THREE WISE FOOLS turns, sees GORDON to FINDLEY j Teddy, is that Gordon ? FINDLEY. (Proudly) Yes, that s Gordon! (CRAWSHAY looks at GORDON fixedly for a moment, then smiles and suddenly exits out the hall door, R.2 entrance. GORDON comes downstairs from library to c.) GORDON. Wh who s that, Uncle? (FINDLEY crosses down centre.) FINDLEY. An escaped convict named John Craw- shay. (Pause look. ) GORDON. (Astonished) Crawshay, what s he do ing here? FINDLEY. He s given himself over to the police. GORDON. (Looks at his uncle dumbfounded speaks deliberately) Good heavens! FINDLEY. What s the matter? GORDON. I can t tell you ; I ve given my word I wouldn t. FINDLEY. You mean you can t tell me he is Sid ney s father? GORDON. How did you know? FINDLEY. You re not the only one around here who can find out things. GORDON. What can I say to Sidney, Uncle? How can I break the news to her? FINDLEY. I m surprised that such a brilliant fel low as you are would come to me for any advice ! GORDON. Oh, don t joke about it, uncle? If you knew how that girl has been trying what she s been doing and there isn t anybody in the world like her. It s awful to have to tell her the police have got him ! (Crosses upstage left c. crosses down stage left cj It s awful! FINDLEY. Well, how would you like to tell her THREE WISE FOOLS 113 that he s not guilty? And that he ll be a free man before the month is out? GORDON. Oh, I d be willing to die to tell her that! FINDLEY. Go do it, then. I mean tell her never mind about dying just yet. GORDON. You mean it? You really mean it? FINDLEY. Every word of it. We ve just had positive proof and the Judge has taken his case and is out there going over it with him now. And if you don t know what that means, I do! GORDON. (With a little sob) Uncle (He dives for his uncle and hugs him violently. FIND- LEY is greatly surprised and embarrassed is just about to embrace GORDON.J FINDLEY. Here, what the Hell are you doing! GORDON. (Recoiling from him, very confused) Damned if I know! (Exits quickly door L.2 en trance.) Oh, Sidney, Sidney (Enter JUDGE and DR. GAUNT. JUDGE crosses to FINDLEY, who has crossed to L.C. DR. GAUNT follows him. FINDLEY sees them and subsides.) FTNDLEY. What have you done, Jimmy? JUDGE. (Crossing to FINDLEY,) He s gone with Poole. It will only be a matter of a few days. DR. GAUNT. Yes, that s all, and we re all going to take a long (Suddenly sobering.) FINDLEY. What s the matter? DR. GAUNT. What are we going to say to Sid ney? FINDLEY. (Dismayed) Oh, my God! DR. GAUNT. She ought to be told, of course. FINDLEY. Don t worry she s being told ! JUDGE. Where is she? FINDLEY. In there. JUDGE. (Sitting on ottoman in front of table L. FINDLEY sits on chair L. of ottoman DR. GAUNT ii 4 THREE WISE FOOLS takes chair and places it R. of JUDGE sits.) We ought to be ashamed of ourselves. FINDLEY. We ought to he? You should be ashamed of yourself. It was all that damn buckle business ! DR. GAUNT. Jimmy, you should have had more sense. JUDGE. Well, it was your threatening her with the police. That s what did it. DR. GAUNT. You scared her out of the house. (All three rise in argument. GORDON enters door L.2, sees them in argument, beckons to SIDNEY to enter. She does so rushes down to cease argument.) FINDLEY. I scared her out of the house? The trouble ? It was your ruts and buttercups that drove her out of the house ! DR. GAUNT. I was the only one that was good to that girl. (Ad lib, by Three Wise Men until SID NEY comes down and places arms about all of them all together.) ALL. Sidney ! (They resume their seats. SID NEY kneels un th back to audience.) DR. GAUNT. Everything is all right, Sidney. FINDLEY. Yes, your father will be with you again soon. DR. GAUNT. He ll be with us all again soon. JUDGE. And you won t worry. Sidney, and just leave everything to me? (She rises, creeps into* JUDGE S lap and hugs him.) That s right! DR. GAUNT. And you re going to forgive us, Sid ney ? SIDNEY. (Looking at the three of them) For give you? DR. GAUNT. Yes, we didn t mean any harm. We re just three humiliated old fools. THREE WISE FOOLS 115 SIDNEY. (Glancing at the doctor, placing hand upon his head) But you re not old no really, you re not. FINDLEY. But you don t contradict us about being fools. (GORDON crosses down from door L.2 entrance to L.I entrance, with back to audience, watching SIDNEY. JUDGE sees him.) JUDGE. And you re going to forgive us, too, Gor don? GORDON. Not if you keep Sidney on your lap much longer. (He comes to trio, extends his hand and takes SIDNEY to fireplace.) I say, can t we cele brate some way? DR. GAUNT. (Clapping his hand gaily rises, takes chair, placing it R.C. of table.) Celebrate! That s the thing to do. ( FINDLEY crosses down L. corner, back to audience. JUDGE is L.C., back to audience. Bell rings off stage L.C., one stroke. Folding door opens c. GRAY enters with big bandage around his head; he is in dressing-gown, carrying tray, on which are three tall tumblers of hot water and three large apples on plates.) DR. GAUNT. Gray GRAY. (Solemnly) It s bedtime, gentlemen. JUDGE. He comes like fate to put us to bed. (Takes his chair and places it up L. of c. door.) GRAY. (L.C.) Your apples and hot water. DR. GAUNT. (Throwing up his hands) I sur render, Teddy ! Ha, ha ! (Laughs ruefully.) We can t escape our ruts. (Goes over and takes his glass and apple and crosses upstairs to the library door.) JUDGE. (Who comes down L. of GRAY, takes his n6 THREE WISE FOOLS apple and hot rvater) We don t want to escape them, only there was something lacking before. (Indicat ing SIDNEY and GORDON, crosses up, following the doctor, stands on first step of stairs leading to li brary.) FINDLEY. (Crosses up to GRAY, takes his cup of hot water and apple, faces SIDNEY and GORDON. GORDON in the meantime has taken pearl necklace from his pocket and fastens about SIDNEY S neck.) By jove, that s so, Dick ! We can stick to our ruts and at the same time we can roll among your butter cups ! (The Three Wise Fools start humming the march song from "Faust" ; they go up the stairs, waving their apples and tumblers to the young lovers, singing their soldier chorus. GRAY starts to exit through sliding doors c. GORDON and SID NEY smile at them as they go through the door.) CURTAIN PROPERTY LIST OF "THREE WISE FOOLS " ACT I I small green covered card-table. (On table, a double pack of miniature playing cards, one large pack of playing cards, one box safety matches, one silver ash tray.) i cigar for Mr. Findley. i small stand R. of c. i chair behind table c. i settee R.IE. i sofa L.IE. i table, 4 ft. 6 inches, set left. (On table, medical journals, one standing lamp, ten newspapers, four magazines, one cigarette box, one ash tray.) i desk telephone on table L. i family album on same. I table and four chairs in dining-room, off c. arch. (On table, white table spread, fern dish in c.) (OFF STAGE LEFT FOR GRAY) i small carafe of water. i medicine bottle with cork, i graduating glass. i glass spoon. 1 tray. (OFF STAGE FOR MRS. SAUNDERS LEFT) 2 small notebooks. 117 ii8 THREE WISE FOOLS (OFF STAGE FOR GRAY RIGHT) i tray with coffee-pot, two cups, two saucers, two spoons and two lumps of sugar on each saucer. (OFF STAGE R.) i silver server with card on same (for GRAY). i police-whistle (for POOLE). i chain of keys on ring and hook (for FINDLEY). i official envelope and letter (for FINDLEY). i black letter wallet for letter (for FINDLEY). i picture of Three Old Men in album. 4 pictures of a lady in album. i letter with envelope letter written on wrap ping paper, also will (for the JUDGE). i cheap hand-bag. i old dress-suit case. i carpet down in dining-room, also on stage. I set of curtains on poles and rings window R. I kitchen table off L., upper entrance, for side props. 1 kitchen table off R., upper entrance, for side props. 2 candelabra on mantel L.IE. i police whistle (for POOLE). I chair R. of c. arch. i chair R.IE., also one chair R. of D., R.2E. 3 apples, three mugs on plates on tray (for GRAY). ACT II i ladies writing-desk up c. to R. between arch and D. in flat. II law books under desk, i typewriter (on desk). i dainty Sheritan table c. downstage. 4 chairs about same c. downstage. THREE WISE FOOLS 119 20. bouquets of flowers in twenty vases and pots, i paper (list) for MRS. SAUNDERS on table L. i birthday cake on cake dish, candle on cake off R. upper entrance. i cake knife on tray. (OFF STAGE c. IN DINING-ROOM Back c.) I Adams dining table. 4 dining chairs about same. 1 white table spread. 4 napkins on table. 4 plates, four knives, four forks. NOTE: The prop. s to dress-table in dining-room in Act 2 (Behind closed sliding doors) are as fol lows 2 consol tables R. and L. of window in dining- room, silver tray on each. 4 napkins (opened as if used). 4 candlesticks (glass) with candles in same, also four shades for same. 4 fancy cut-glass tumblers (filled with water). 4 fruit or ice cream dishes on glass saucers. 4 ice cream spoons (on same). i gong or bar to strike at given cue (off L.U.E.). T muffled beater for same (for man who watches clock). i small fancy sugar on mantel, L. of clock. i tobacco jar (glass) half filled with tobacco (on mantel R. of clock). 1 dark glass vase (fancy) filled with paper light ers, also old briar pipe with same, R. of clock c. on mantel. 2 glass vases (with large bouquets of American Beauties in same upon mantel L.IE.). 2 glass vases (with large bouquets of American Beauties in same upon bookcase R. of door R.). 120 THREE WISE FOOLS (OFF STAGE R.U.E.) i bottle port wine. 4 glasses on tray (three for DOUGLAS). i bunch of keys (for CLANCEY). i tray with trick coffee-pot on tray (for DOUG LAS). i pair of pearl beads in same (for DOUGLAS). i pair of pearl beads (for GORDON). 4 cups, four saucers, 4 spoons, one coffee-pot off c. to L. (for DOUGLAS). 12 white handkerchiefs (for DOCTOR, FINDLEY and JUDGE). i box of tobacco (for DOCTOR). i lorgnette (for SIDNEY). T fan (for SIDNEY). i bunch of orchids (for SIDNEY). i lady s wrist watch in case, wrapped in paper, rubber band about same (for GORDON). i heavy sand-bag 150 Ibs. on step-ladder, for effect, off R.U.E. i revolver (for BENNY THE DUCK). i medicine case off R. of c. (for DOUGLAS). i kitchen chair off stairway, L. of c. (for side props.). I mirror hung off stairway L. of c. (for SIDNEY). i pair blue satin slippers (for JUDGE), buckles on same, off L. of c. upstairs. ACT I, II, III NOTE: Wall or interior decorations for set are as follows : i oil painting (to look as if it was SIDNEY S mother, hanging over mantle L.IE.). i oil painting (hanging in hall off R. of c.). 1 oil painting (hanging over D.R. of c.). 2 small old-fashioned pictures L. of D.R. in F. THREE WISE FOOLS 121 i picture containing wax wreath of flowers, L. in F. i bell-cord hanging L. of c. arch. 1 large bouquet of American Beauties, with long stems (for DOUGLAS) for opening of Act 2. 2 large potted plants R. and L. of table down c. (for Act 2). i large potted plant on stand R. of c. arch (for Act 2). 1 large potted plant on small table or stand (be tween door L.2 and foot of stairs). 2 large bouquets of roses on table c. i large bouquet of pink roses on table L. Act 2. ACT III UPSTAIRS C. OFF L. (FOR MRS. SAUNDERS) Sidney s bag. Dress-suit case. i needle and thread. i string of pearls, separated (for FINDLEY). 3 white tumblers in holders (for GRAY), off R.U.E. i silver tray, three napkins, three plates, three large red apples, three mugs of hot water, same as Act i. i bandage (for GRAY). i large cigar (for FINDLEY). i box matches on table c. Comedy in 2 acts, by Booth Tarkington and Harry Leon Wilson. .5 males, 4 females. 1 Interior. Costumes, modern. Plays 2 / hours. Julian, scion of the blue-blooded Castleburys, falls in love with Winsora Tweedle, daughter of the oldest family in a Maine village. The Tweedles esteem the name because it has been rooted in the community for 200 years, and they look down on "summei people" with the vigor that oply "summer boarder" communities know. The Castleburys are aghast at the possibility of a match, and call on the Tweedles to urge how impossible such an alliance woukft be, Mr. Castlebury laboriously explains the barrier of social caste, and the elder Tweedle takes it that these unimportant summer folk are terrified at the social eminence of the Tweedles. Tweedle generously agrees to eo-operate with the Oastleburys to prevent the match. But Wineora brings her father to realize that in reality the Castleburys look upon them as inferiors. The old man is infuriated, and threatens vengeance, but is checkmated when Julian unearths a number of family skeletons and argues that father isn t a Tweedle, since the blood has been so diluted tfvat little remains. Also, Winsora takes the matter into her own hands and outfaces the old man. So the youngsters go forth triumphant. "Tweedles" is Booth Tarkington at his best. (Boyalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. JUST SUPPOSE A whimsical comedy in 3 acts, by A. E. Thomas, author of "Her Husband s Wife," "Come Out of the Kitchen," etc. 6 males, 2 females. 1 interior, 1 exterior. Costumes, modern. Plays 2% hours. It was rumored that during his last visit the Prince of Wales Appeared for a brief spell under an assumed name somewhere in. Virginia. It is on this story that A. E. Thomas based "Just Suppose." The theme is handled in an original manner. Linda Lee Stafford meets cue George Shipley (in reality is the Prince of Wales). It is a case of love at first sight, but, alas, princes cannot select their mates and thereby hangs a tale which Mr. Thomas has woven with infinite charm. The atmosphere of the South with its chivalry dominates the story, touching in its sentiment and lightened here and there with delightful comedy. "Just Suppose" scored a big hit at the Henry Miller Theatre, New York, with Patricia Collinge. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. SAMTJBL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City How and ExvHcit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request THE CABBAGE PATCH Dramatization in 3 acts, by Anne Crawford Flexner from the novel by Alice Hegan Rice. 15 males, 11 females. 1 interior, 1 exterior. Costumes modern and rustic. Plays a full evening. A capital dramatization of the ever-beloved Mrs. Wiggs and Tier friends, people who have entered the hearts and minds of a cation. Mrs. Schultz and Lovey Mary, the pessimistic Miss Hazy and tbe others need no new introduction. Here is characteriza tion, humor, pathos, and what is best and most appealing in modern American life. The amateur acting rights are reserved lor the present in all cities and towns where there are stock companies. Royalty will be quoted on application for those cities nd towns where it may be presented by amateurs. Price, 76 Cents. THE FOUR-FLUSHER Comedy in 3 acts. By Czesar Dunn. 8 males, 5 females. 2 interiors. Modern costumes. Plays 2*4 hours. A eomedy of hustling American youth, "The Four-Flusher" it one of those clean and bright plays which reveal the most appeal ing characteristics of our native types. Here is an amusing story of a young shoe clerk who through cleverness, personality, and plenty of wholesom faith in himself, becomes a millionaire. The play is best described ae "breezy." It is full of human touches, And develops a most interesting story. It may be whole-heartedly recommended to high schools. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. PALS FIRST Comedy in a prologue and 3 acts. By Lee Wilson Dodd. 8 males, 3 females. 1 interior, 1 exterior. Modern cos tumes. Plays 2% hours. Based on the successful novel of the same name by F. P. Elliott, "Pals First" is a decidedly picturesque mystery play. Danny and the Dominie, a pair of tramps, enter a mansion and persuade the servants and friends that they belong there. They are not altogether wrong, though it requires the intervention of s Judge, two detectives, a villain and an attractive girl to un tangle the complications. A most ingenious play, well adapted to performance by high schools and colleges. (Royalty, twenty- five dollars,) Price, 75 Centp. SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City Vow and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request NOT SO LON^TAGO Comedy in a Prologue, 3 acts, and Epilogue. By Arthur Eiehman. 5 males, 7 females. 2 interiors, 1 exterior. Costumes, 1876. Plays a full evening. Arthur Riehman has constructed his play around the Cinderella legend. The playwright has shown great wisdom in his choice of material, for he has cleverly crossed the Cinderella theme with a strain of Romeo and Juliet. Mr. Riehman places his young lovers in the picturesque New York of forty years ago. This time Cinderella is a seamstress in tile home of a social climber, who may have been the first of her kind, though we doubt it. She is interested sentimentally in the son of this house. Her father, learning of her infatuation for the young man without learning also that it is imaginary on the young girl s part, starts out to discover his intentions. He is a poor inventor. The mother of the youth, ambitious chiefly for her children, shud ders at the thought of marriage for her son with a sewing-girl. But the Prince contrives to put the slipper on the right foot, and the end is happiness. The play is quaint and agreeable and the three acts are rich in the charm of love and youth. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. THE LOTTERY MAN Comedy in 3 acts, by Rida Johnson Young. 4 males, 5 females. 3 easy interiors. Costumes, modern. Plays 2 J /4 hours. In "The Lottery Man" Rida Johnson Young has seized upon a custom of some newspapers to increase their circulation by clever schemes. Mrs. Young has made the central figure in her famous comedy a newspaper reporter, Jack Wright. "Wright owes his employer money, and ho agrees to turn in one of the most sensational scoops the paper has ever known. His idea is to conduct a lottery, with himself as the prize. The lottery is an nounced. Thousands of old maids buy coupons. Meantime Wright falls in love with a charming girl. Naturally he fears that he may be won by someone else and starts to get as many tickets CHS his limited means will permit. Finally the last day is an nounced. The winning number is 1323, and is held by Lizzie. an old maid, in the household of the newspaper owner. Lizzie lefuses to give up. It is discovered, however, that she has stolen, the ticket. With this clue, the reporter threatens her with arrest. Of course the coupon is surrendered and Wright gets the girl of his choice. Produced at the Bijou Theater, New York, with great success. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. SAJMTJEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on NOTHING BUT^THE TRUTH Comedy in 3 acts. By James Montgomery. 5 males, 6 females. Modern costumes. 2 interiors. Plays 2% hours. Is it possible to tell the absolute truth even for twenty-four hours? It is- at least Bob Bennett, the hero of "Nothing but the Truth," accomplished the feat. The bet he made with his partners, his friends, and his fiancee these are the incidents in William Collier s tremendous comedy hit. "Nothing but the TVuth" can be whole-heartedly recommended as one of the most sprightly, amusing and popular comedies of which this country can boast. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. SEVENTEEN A comedy of youth, in 4 acts. By Booth Tarkington. 8 males, 6 females. 1 exterior, 2 interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Plays 2^ hours. It is the tragedy of William Sylvanus Baxter that he has ceased to be sixteen and is not yot eighteen. Baby, child, boy, youth and grown-up are definite phenomena. The world knows them and has learned to put up with them. Seventeen is not an age, it is a disease. In its turbulent bosom the leavings of a boy are at war with the beginnings of a man. In his heart, William Sylvanus Baxter knows all the tortures and delights of love ; he is capable of any of the heroisms of his heroic sex. But he is still sent on the most humiliating errands by his mother, and depends upon his father for the last nickel of spending money. Silly Bill fell in love with Lolo, the Baby-Talk Lady, a vapid if amiable little flirt. To woo her in a manner worthy of himself (and incidentally of her) he stole his father s evening clothes. When his wooings became a nuisance to the neighborhood, his mother stole the clothes back, and had them altered to fit the middle-aged form of her husband, thereby keeping William at home in the evening. But when it came to the Baby-Talk Lady s good-bye dance, not to be present was unendurable. How William Sylvanus again got the dress suit, and how as he was wearing it at the party the negro servant, Genesis, disclosed the fact that the proud garment vra* in reality his father s, are some of the elements in this charming comedy of youth. "Seventeen" is a story of youth, love and summer time. It in B work of exquisite human sympathy and delicious humor. Pro duced by Stuart Walker at the Booth Theatre, New York, it en joyed a run of four years in New York and on the road. Strongly recommended for High School production. (Royalty, twenty-five? dollars.) Price, 75 OentS s SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City Vvw and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on KICK IN in 4 acts. By Willard Mack. 7 males, 5 females. 2 interiors. Modern costumes. Plays 2% hours. "Kiek In" is the latest of the very few available mystery plays. Like "Within the Law," "Seven Keys to Baldpate, "The Thirteenth Chair," and "In the Next Room," it is on* of those thrillers which are accurately described as not having a dull moment in it from beginning to end." It is a play with all the ingredients of popularity, not at all difficult to set or to act ; the plot carries it along, and the situations are built with that skill and knowledge of the theatre for which Willard Mack is known. An ideal mystery melodrama, for high schools and colleges. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. TILLY OF BLOOMSBURY (" Happy -Go-Lucky. ") A comedy in 3 acts. By Ian Hay. 9 males, 7 females. 2 interior scenes. Modern dress. Plays a full evening. Into an aristocratic family comes Tilly, lovable and youthful, with ideas and manners which greatly upset the circle. Tilly is so frankly honest that she makes no secret of her tre mendous affection for the young son of the fa^nily; this brings her into many difficulties. But her troubles have a joyous end in charmingly blended scenes of sentiment and humor. This comedy presents an opportunity for fine acting, handsome stage settings, nd beautiful costuming. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents, BILLY Parce-comedy in 3 acts. By George Cameron. 10 males, 5 females. (A few minor male parts can be doubled, mak ing the cast 7 males, 5 females.) 1 exterior. Costumes, modern. Plays 2} hours. The action of the play takes place on the S. 8. "Florida," bound for Havana. The story has 10 do with the disappearance of a set of false teeth, which creates endless complications among passengers and crew, and furnishes two and a quarter hours of Hie heartiest laughter. One of the funniest comedies produced in the last dozen years on the American stage is "Billy" (some times called "Billy s Tombstones"), in which the lte Sidney Drew achieved a hit in New York and later toured the country several times. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. SAMUEL FBENOH, 25 West 45th Street, New York Otty Vew and Explicit DeacripUM Catalogue Dialled Tree on Ke%TMrt COME OUT OF THE KITCHEN A charming comedy in 3 acts. Adapted by A. E. Thomas from the story of the same name by Alice Duer Miller. 6 males, 5 females. 3 interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Plays 2% hours. The story of "Come Out of the Kitchen" is written around a Virginia family of the old aristocracy, by the name of Dainger- fleld, who, finding themselves temporarily embarrassed, decide to rent their magnificent home to a rich Yankee. One of the con ditions of the lease by the well-to-do New Englander stipulates that a competent staff of white servants should be engaged for his sojourn at the stately home. This servant question presents practically insurmountable difficulties, and one of the daughter^ of the family conceives the mad-cap idea that she, her sister and their two brothers shall act as the domestic staff for the wealthy Yankee. Olivia Daingerfield, who is the ringleader in the merry scheme, adopts the cognomen of Jane Allen, and elects to preside over the destinies of the kitchen. Her sister, Elizabeth, is ap pointed housemaid. Her elder brother, Paul, is the butler, and Charley, the youngest of the group, is appointed to the position of bootboy. When Burton Crane arrives from the North, accom panied by Mrs. Faulkner, her daughter, and Crane s attorney, Tucker, they find the staff of servants to possess so many methods of behavior out of the ordinary that amusing complications begin to arise immediately? Olivia s charm and beauty impress Crane sbove everything else, and the merry story continues through a maze of delightful incidents until the real identity of the heroine is finally disclosed. But not until Crane has professed his love for his charming cook, and the play ends with the brightest prospects of happiness for these two young people. "Come Out of the Kitchen," with Ruth Chatterton in the leading r61e, made a notable success on its production by Henry Miller at the Cohan Theatre, New York. It was also a great success at the Strand Theatre, London. A most ingenious and entertaining comedy, and we strongly recommend it for amateur production. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cent*, GOING SOME Play in 4 acts. By Paul Armstrong and Kex Beach. 12 males, 4 females. 2 exteriors, 1 interior. Costumes, modern and cowboy. Plays a full evening. Described by the authors as the "chronicle of a certain lot of college men and girls, with a tragic strain of phonograph and cowboys." A rollicking good story, full of action, atmosphere, comedy and drama, redolent of the adventurous spirit of youth. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City Vew and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Eeqaert A 000126544 6 ARE YOU, A MASONV in 3 acts. By Leo Ditrichstein. 7 males, t fc Modern costumes. Plays 2 1 /4 hours. 1 interior. "Are Yon a Mason?* is one of those delightful farces lib, Charley s Aunt" that are always fresh. "A mother and -, daughter, " says the critie of the New York Herald, "had hu >nds who account for absences from the joint household m, frequent evenings, falsely pretending to be Masons. The men- do not know each other s duplicity, and each tells his wife of having advanced to leadership in his lodge. The older womar was so well pleased with her husband s supposed distinction IK the order that she made him promise to put up the- name of i Visiting friend for membership. Further perplexity over th principal liar arose when a suitor for his second daughter s ban: proved to be s real Mason. ... To tell the story of the play would require volumes, its complications are so numerous. It it a house of cards. One card wrongly placed and the whole thin* would collapse. But it stands, an example of remarkable m> Cenuity. You wonder at the end of the first act how the fas- can be kept up on such a slender foundation. But it continue 1 and grows to the last curtain." One of the most hilariously amusing farces ever written, especially suited to schools an* Masonic Lodges, (Royalty, twenty -five dollars.) Price, 75 Ceatt KEMPY A delightful comedy in 3 acts. By -3, CL Nugent an Elliott Nugent. 4 males, 4 females. Ij. interior throughout, Costumes, modern. Plays 2% hours. No wonder "Kempy" 0.0,8 been such a tremendous hit in Nev Tork, Chicago wherever it has played. It snaps with wit an* humor of the most delightful kind. It s electric. It s smalt- town folk perfectly pictured. Full,. of types of varied sorts, eac$ . one done to a turn and served with zestful sauce. An idea entertainment for amusement purposes. The story is about a higt. talutin daughter who in a fit of pique marries the young plumber architect, who comes to fix the water pipes, just because be "understands" her, having read her book and having sworn **> marry the authoress. But in that story lies all the humor th*5 kept the audience laughing every second of every act. Of court* there are lots of ramifications, each of which bears its own brand of laughter-making potentials. But the plot and the story am vot the main thing*. There is, for instance, the work of tik company. The fun growing oat of this family mixup is lively an* dean. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Gen** SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New Tork City New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Hailed Free on Bequeo* FRENCH S Standard Library Edition George M. Cohan Wincfaoll Smith Booth Tarkington WUHara Gillette Frrnk Craven Owen Davis Austin Strong A. A. Milne Harriet Ford Paul Green James Montgomery Arthur Richman Philip Barry George Middteton Claanning Pollock George Kauiman Martin Flavin Victor Mapes Kate Douglas Wiggin Rida Johnson Young; Margaret Mayo Roi Cooper Megrue Jtean Webster George Broadhurst Ut-orge Hobart Frederick S. Isham Fred Ballard Pwcy MacKaye WUlard Mack Jerome K. Jerome R. C. Carton William Gary Duncan Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Includes Plays by Augustus Thomas Rachel Crothers W. W. Jacobs Ernest Denny Kenyou Nicholson Aaron Hoffman H. V. Esmond Edgar Selwyn Laurence Honsuum Israel Zangwill Waiter Hackett A. E. Thomas Edna Ferber John Henry Mears Mark Swan John B. StapletoH Frederick Lonsdale Bryon Ongley Rex Beach Paul Armstrong H. A. Du Souehe* George Ade J. Hartley Manners Barry Conner* Edith Ellis Harold Brighouse Harvay J. O Higgias Clare Kummer James Forbes William C. DeMill Thompson Buchanan C. Haddon Chambers Richard Harding Davis George Kelly Louis N. Parker Anthony Hope Lewis Beach Guy Bolton Edward E. Rose Mare Connelly Frederick Lynn Starling Clyde Fitch Earl Derr Bigger* Thomas BroadbHrst Charles Klein Bayard Veiller Grace L. Furniss Martha Morton Robert Housum Carlisle Moore Salisbury Field Leo Dietrlchstein Harry James Smitta Eden Phillpotts Brandon Tynan Clayton Hamilton Edward Sheldon Richard Ganthony Julie Lippman Paul Dickey Frank Bacon Edward Paulton Adelaide Matthews A. E. W. Mason Cosmo Gordon-Lennox Catherine Chisholm Gushing J. C. and Elliott Nugent Edward Child* Carpenter Justin Huntley McCarthy Madeline Lucette Ryley Josephine Preston Peabody French s International Copyrighted Edition contains plays, comedies ad farces of international reputation; also recent professional snec*sw by famous American and English Authors. SAMUEL FRENCH Oldest Play Publisher in the World West 45th Street, NEW YORK CITY