YOU 
 CAN 
 SEARCH ME
 
 UCSB LIBRARY
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME
 
 Bring us a plain omelette and one 
 dish of prunes." Page 25 
 
 Frontispiece
 
 YOU CANT 
 SEARCH ME 
 
 BY HUGH McHUGH 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 'JOHN HENRY," "DOWN THE LINE WITH JOHN HENRY," 
 
 "IT'S UP TO YOU," " BACK TO THE WOODS," 
 "OUT FOR THE COIN," "l NEED THE MONEY," 
 
 "I'M FROM MISSOURI," BTC. 
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS BY 
 GORDON H. GRANT 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 G. W. DILLINGHAM CO. 
 PUBLISHERS
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1905, 
 
 BY G. W. DlLLINGHAM CO. 
 ISSUED FEBRUARY, 1905. 
 
 All rights strictly reierved and any infringement of 
 copyright will be dtalt with according to law. 
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 Press of J. J. Little & Co. 
 Astor Place, New York
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A PARTNER . . . n 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A SUFFICIENCY . . 29 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS BUSY 45 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A SHOCK . , . . 59 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS EXCITED .... 72 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A SETBACK ... 90 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A SURPRISE . . .103
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 " BRING us A PLAIN OMELETTE AND ONE 
 DISH OF PRUNES." Frontispiece ... 25 
 
 TWO AND A HALF POUNDS OF IRON LANDED 
 ON MY INSTEP 32 
 
 "YOU BETCHER SWEET" 63 
 
 THE ANSWER WAS A CREAM - COLORED 
 HORSE WHICH LOOKED AT ME SADLY . . 73 
 
 A PRETTY HOT LINE OF GOODS, EH ? . . 99 
 I WAS SO SURPRISED I DROPPED THE EGG 113
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A PARTNER. 
 
 if EVEN weeks and then the 
 
 wedding bells will get 
 busy for you, eh, 
 Bunch?" I chuckled. 
 
 " Surest thing you know," my old 
 pal Jefferson replied, somewhat dole- 
 fully. 
 
 " I must dig up a few old shoes and 
 have a plate of cold rice pudding on 
 the doorstep," I went on. " It's going 
 to afford me a bunch of keen delight to 
 soak you in the midriff with a rusty 
 patent leather and then push a few 
 rice fritters in under your coat collar, 
 believe me ! "
 
 12 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 Bunch tried to pull a smile, but his 
 face didn't feel like working, and the 
 finish was a mournful sigh. 
 
 "John," he said, after the waiter had 
 crowded the sizz-water into the wood 
 alcohol, " I'm a plain case of shrimp ! " 
 
 "Oh, sush!" I said; "you'll get 
 over that, Bunch. Isn't it a hit how 
 we young fellows begin to warm wise 
 to ourselves the moment we get a 
 flash of the orange blossoms. We 
 think of the beautiful little lady we 
 are leading to the altar and then we 
 think of the many beautiful souses we 
 have led by the hand, and we begin to 
 ask ourselves if we are worthy. Be- 
 fore we can get the right answer the 
 preacher has dropped the flag, the 
 ceremonies are over, and after that 
 the struggle to supply three squares a 
 day puts the boots to every other 
 worry ; am I right, Gonsalvo ? " 
 
 " I s'pose so, John," Bunch replied, 
 " but it isn't a case of rattles with me. 
 I'm shy with the mazume, and it looks
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 13 
 
 now as if that little trip to the minis- 
 ter's will have to be postponed in- 
 definitely." 
 
 " Skidoo, skidoo, and quit me, Mr. 
 Josheimer ! " I suggested. 
 
 " I mean it, John," Bunch came 
 back. " I can't lead a girl like Alice 
 Grey into the roped arena of matri- 
 mony when I haven't the price of an 
 omelette for the wedding breakfast, 
 now can I ? " 
 
 " Great Scott, Bunch, have you been 
 Chadwicked for your roll ? " I asked. 
 " Are you the man from Ohio that was 
 so polite he gave his bank to the 
 lady ? If you are, it serves you right." 
 
 " No, John," Bunch answered 
 mournfully, " but I had to go to Wash- 
 ington on a business trip, and while 
 there " 
 
 " Wait, Bunch," I chipped in ; " I've 
 got you sized. While in Washington 
 you met a couple of wise voices who 
 talked nothing but sure-things, so you
 
 14 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 for the Bennings race track to spill 
 your coin, eh, Beau ? " 
 
 "Well, John, I'll tell you how it 
 was," Bunch tried to square himself. 
 " My roll was just five thousand 
 strong, and I began to wish for about 
 two thousand more, so that I could 
 take the little wife over the wild waves 
 and point out Paris and the Riviera to 
 her. In Washington I met a quick 
 talker named Ike Gibson and he played 
 me for a good, steady listener. Ii<e 
 showered me with cinches and in short 
 order I was down with Bennings fe- 
 ver. And then " 
 
 " I know the answer, Bunch," I 
 sighed. " You followed Ike's clues 
 and finished fainting. I'm wise. But, 
 say! Bunch, didn't you pipe me with 
 the neck bruises often enough in the 
 old days to profit by my experience? 
 Didn't I go up against that horse game 
 so hard that I shook the whole com- 
 munity, and aren't you on to the fact 
 that the only sure thing about a race
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 1 5 
 
 track is a seat on a trolley car going 
 in the opposite direction ? " 
 
 " I know, John," Bunch replied, 
 " but this looked awfully good to me, 
 and I went after it." 
 
 " Did they sting you for the whole 
 bundle? "I asked. 
 
 " Not quite," Bunch answered 
 sadly ; " but they certainly put a crimp 
 in my wallet. I'm only $1,500 strong 
 now, and that's not enough to tip the 
 porter on the honeymoon journey. 
 You know, John, I'm only drawing 
 $100 a week from the brokerage busi- 
 ness, and I'll get nervous if I can't 
 make up a purse quicker than that. 
 I'll simply have to go to Alice and Un- 
 cle William Grey and get a set-back, 
 and say, John ! I'm a polish, for fair ! 
 Alice is making all her preparations, 
 and has her mind fastened to the date, 
 and all that sort of thing, and like a 
 chump I go up against that " 
 
 " Oh, get back from the funeral, get 
 back, Bunch ! " I advised. " How of-
 
 1 6 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 ten have I told you not to cut a beef 
 about the has-happened ? You went 
 to Bennings, got dizzy, did a couple 
 of Arabs and lose the price of a wed- 
 ding trip that's all. Now we must 
 get that money back before the minis- 
 ter steps up to start the fight." 
 
 " How can I win out $3,500 in seven 
 weeks, I'd like to know ! " Bunch 
 moaned. 
 
 " A cincherine," I came back. " I've 
 got a scheme cooking that will put you 
 and me all to the splendid in short 
 order." 
 
 " Yes, but these schemes of yours 
 sometimes get nervous prostration," 
 Bunch began to fret. 
 
 " Sush, now ! " I said ; " this is the 
 real goods. It can't go wrong. It's 
 just like getting money from Carnegie. 
 I've discovered a genius." 
 
 " A genius ! " Bunch repeated ; 
 " what kind of a genius ? " 
 
 " His name is Signor Beppo Petro-
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 17 
 
 skinski, an Illusionist," I answered, 
 "and he's aces." 
 
 " What does he do? " asked Bunch ; 
 " spar eight rounds with the piano or 
 sell Persian rugs ? " 
 
 " Nix on the hurry talk, Bunch," I 
 said. " Petroskinski is a discovery 
 of mine, and he's all to the mustard. 
 He's an Illusionist, and he can pull off 
 some of the best tricks I ever blinked 
 at. Say, he has Hermann and Keller 
 and all those guys backed up in a cor- 
 ner yelling for help. Skinski is our 
 mint, and we're going to take him out 
 over the one-night stands and drag a 
 fortune away from Mr. and Mrs. 
 Reub." 
 
 " You mean you're going to finance 
 a tour for this unknown magician and 
 expect to win out? Say, John, don't 
 let my troubles affect your brain; I'll 
 be good and stop crying ! " 
 
 " I mean, Bunch, that Skinski is the 
 wonder of the age, and all we have to 
 do is to show him to the public and
 
 l8 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 they'll be handing us their jewelry. 
 You know, Bunch, I'm a few chips shy 
 myself on account of a side play which 
 my wife knows nothing about. I 
 promised her to make a first payment 
 of $5,000 on that new home we're go- 
 ing to buy on the first of the year, and 
 I fell down and broke my promise. I 
 thought I could drag the homestead 
 money away from the Street, so I took 
 a few slices of Amalgamated Copper 
 and burned my thumb. Old Colonel 
 Frenzied Finance didn't do a thing to 
 me. When I yelled for help my pocket- 
 book looked like a last season's au- 
 tumn leaf in the family Bible. Peaches 
 isn't wise that I've lost my roll, so it's 
 up to me to make good before she 
 screams for a receiver." 
 
 " But this Skinski proposition," 
 Bunch groaned ; " isn't that taking a 
 long chance ? Clara J. was always bit- 
 terly opposed to you having anything 
 to do with a theatrical venture what 
 will she say ? "
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME, 19 
 
 " Peaches needn't be in on this at 
 all," I said. " We'll simply put up a 
 thousand each for the expense money, 
 start Petroskinski, and after the open- 
 ing night began to gather in the ma- 
 zooboes. When we get all the money 
 we need, we'll sell our interest and 
 bow out. It's a pipe, Bunch. I tell 
 you, this Skinski has them all faded 
 to a whisper. He has a bunch of new 
 illusions that will simply make the 
 jay audiences sit up and throw money 
 at us. And as for sleight-of-hand and 
 card tricks, well, say! Skinski can 
 throw a new pack of cards up in the 
 air and bite his initials on the queen 
 of diamonds before it hits the floor. 
 He's a marvel." 
 
 " Where did you find him ? " Bunch 
 inquired. 
 
 " At a club smoker," I answered. 
 " He was the hit of the evening. He 
 pulled a few snake tricks down there 
 and in five minutes he had all the
 
 2O YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 members of the Highball Association 
 climbing the water wagon. That was 
 the same evening I took Clara J. to 
 the St. Regis to dinner. Did I ever 
 tell you about it, Bunch ? Well, say, it 
 may help you to forget your troubles. 
 It's a swell joint, all right, O. K., is 
 the St. Regis, but hereafter me for 
 the beanery thing with the high stool 
 and the low prices. 
 
 " In the St. Regis the faces of the 
 clerks and the clocks gave token that 
 much money changed hands while it 
 was building. 
 
 " In the lobby the furniture was 
 covered with men about town, who 
 sat around with a checkbook in each 
 hand and made faces at the cash regis- 
 ters. 
 
 " There are more bellboys than bed- 
 rooms in the hotel. They use them 
 for change. Every time you give the 
 cashier $15 he hands you back $1.50 
 and six bellboys. 
 
 " We took a peep at the diamond-
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 21 
 
 backed dining-room and when I saw 
 the waiters refusing everything but 
 certified checks in the way of a tip, I 
 said to Peaches, ' This is no place for 
 us ! ' But she wouldn't let go, and we 
 filed in to the appetite killery. 
 
 "A very polite lieutenant-waiter, 
 with a sergeant-waiter and two cor- 
 poral-waiters, greeted us and we gave 
 the countersign, ' Abandon wealth, all 
 ye who enter here.' 
 
 " Then the lieutenant-waiter and his 
 army corps deployed by columns of 
 four and escorted us to the most ex- 
 pensive looking trough I ever saw in a 
 dining-room. 
 
 " ' Peaches/ I said to my wife, ' I'm 
 doing this to please you, but after I 
 pay the check, it's me to file a petition 
 in bankruptcy.' 
 
 " But she only grinned, picked up 
 the point-lace napkin and began to ad- 
 mire the onyx furniture. 
 
 " ' Que souhaites vous? ' said the 
 waiter, bowing so low that I could feel
 
 22 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 a chill running through my little bank 
 account. 
 
 " ' I guess he means you/ I whis- 
 pered to Peaches, but she looked very 
 solemnly at the menu card and began 
 to bite her lips. 
 
 " ' Je suis tout a votre service' the 
 waiter cross-countered before I could 
 recover, and he had me gasping. It 
 never struck me that I had to take a 
 course in French before entering the 
 St. Regis hunger foundry, and there 
 I sat making funny faces at the table- 
 cloth, while my wife blushed crimson 
 and the waiter kept on bowing like an 
 animated jack-knife. 
 
 " ' Say, Mike ! ' I ventured after a 
 bit ; ' tip us off to a quiet bunch of eat- 
 ing that will fit a couple of appetites 
 just out seeing the sights. Nothing 
 that will put a kink in a year's in- 
 come, you know, Beau; just suggest 
 some little thing that looks better than 
 it tastes, but is not too expensive to 
 keep down.'
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 23 
 
 " ' Oui, oui! ' His Marseillaise came 
 back at me, ' un diner confortable doit 
 se composer de potage, de volatile 
 bouillie ou rotie, chaude ou froide, de 
 gibier, de plats rares et distingues, de 
 poissons, de sucreries, de patisseries et 
 de fruits!' 
 
 " I looked at my wife, she looked at 
 me, then we both looked out the win- 
 dow and wished we had never been 
 born. 
 
 " ' Say, Garsong,' I said, after we 
 came to, * my wife is a daughter of the 
 American Revolution and she's so pa- 
 triotic she eats only in United States, 
 so cut out the Moulin Rouge lyrics 
 and let's get down to cases. How 
 much will it set me back if I order a 
 plain steak just enough to flirt with 
 two very polite appetites ? ' 
 
 " ' Nine dollars and seventy cents/ 
 said Joan of Arc's brother Bill ; ' the 
 seventy cents is for the steak and the 
 nine dollars will help some to pay for
 
 24 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 the Looey the Fifteenth furniture in 
 the bridal chamber.' 
 
 " ' Save the money, John,' whis- 
 pered Peaches ; ' and we'll buy a cow 
 with it.' 
 
 " ' How about a sliver of roast beef 
 with some slapped potatoes,' I said to 
 the waiter. ' Is it a bull market for 
 an order like that? ' 
 
 " ' Three dollars and forty-two 
 cents,' answered Henri of Navarre; 
 ' forty-two cents for the order and 
 three dollars to help pay for the 
 French velvet curtains in the golden 
 suite on the second floor.' 
 
 " ' Keep on guessing, John ; you'll 
 wear him out,' Peaches whispered. 
 
 " ' Possibly a little cold lamb with a 
 suggestion of potato salad on the side 
 might satisfy us,' I said ; ' make me an 
 estimate.' 
 
 " ' Four dollars and eighteen cents,' 
 replied Patsey Boulanger ; ' eighteen 
 cents for the lamb and salad and the 
 four dollars for the Looey the Fif-
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 25 
 
 teenth draperies in the drawing-room.' 
 
 " ' Ask him if there's a bargain 
 counter anywhere in the dining-room/ 
 whispered Peaches. 
 
 " ' My dear,' I said to Clara J., ' we 
 have already displaced about sixty dol- 
 lars' worth of space in this dyspepsia 
 emporium, and we must, therefore, be- 
 have like gentlemen and order some- 
 thing, no matter what the cost. What 
 are the savings of a life-time compared 
 with our honor ! ' 
 
 " The waiter bowed so low that his 
 shoulder blades cracked like a whip. 
 
 " ' Bring us/ I said, ' a plain ome- 
 let and one dish of prunes.' 
 
 " I waited till Peter Girofla trans- 
 lated this into French and then I 
 added, ' And on the side, please, two 
 glasses of water and three toothpicks. 
 Have the prunes fricasseed, wash the 
 water on both corners, and bring the 
 toothpicks rare.' 
 
 " The waiter rushed awav and all
 
 26 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 around us we could hear money talk- 
 ing to itself. 
 
 " Fair women sat at the tables pick- 
 ing dishes out of the bill of fare which 
 brought the blush of sorrow to the 
 faces of their escorts. It was a won- 
 derful sight, especially for those who 
 have a nervous chill every time the gas 
 bill comes in. 
 
 " When we ate our modest little din- 
 ner the waiter presented a check which 
 called for three dollars and thirty- 
 three cents. 
 
 " * The thirty-three cents is for what 
 you ordered/ Alexander J. Dumas ex- 
 plained, ' and the three dollars is for 
 the French hangings in the parlor.' 
 
 " ' Holy Smoke ! ' I cried ; ' that fel- 
 low Looey the Fifteenth has been do- 
 ing a lot of work around here hasn't 
 he ? ' but the waiter was so busy watch- 
 ing the finish of the change he handed 
 me that he didn't crack a smile. 
 
 " Then I got reckless and handed 
 him a fifty-cent tip.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 27 
 
 " The waiter looked at the fifty cents 
 and turned pale. 
 
 " Then he looked at me and turned 
 paler. 
 
 " Then he tried to thank me, but he 
 caught another flash of that plebeian 
 fifty and it choked him. 
 
 " Then he took a long look at the 
 half-dollar and with a low moan he 
 passed away. 
 
 " In the excitement I grabbed 
 Peaches and we flew for home. 
 
 "Say! Bunch! the only time I'll 
 ever go in the St. Regis again will be 
 just after a hearty dinner." 
 
 " I guess you're right, John, but 
 what about this scheme to win out my 
 wedding money ? " Bunch queried. 
 " I'm dreadfully nervous about it." 
 
 " I know, Bunch, I know just how 
 you feel. I'm quite a bit to the St. Vi- 
 tus myself, because if Clara J. ever 
 gets wise that I've been speculating 
 again after faithfully promising her to 
 cut out all the guessing contests, she's
 
 28 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 liable to say something unkind. I sim- 
 ply must get that money back, Bunch, 
 before she knows I lost it, and Signer 
 Petroskinski is the name of our pay- 
 ing teller. I tell you, Bunch, we can't 
 lose if we handle this cinch right, and 
 I've got it all framed up. It's good for 
 a thousand plunks apiece every week, 
 so cut out the yesterday gag and think 
 of a fat to-morrow." 
 
 " I'd like to see this Petroskinski," 
 said Bunch. 
 
 " I'll have him take luncheon with 
 us to-morrow at the Hotel Astor 
 twelve thirty. Are you for me to the 
 finish, Bunch ? " 
 
 " If you think it's all right I'll trail," 
 said Bunch, and we shook hands. 
 
 " But not a word to the home folks," 
 I cautioned him.
 
 CHAPTER IL 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A SUFFICIENCY. 
 
 SINCE Uncle Peter Grant was 
 elected Mayor of Ruraldene 
 one book ago, our family 
 group considers it extremely disloyal 
 to stay in the big town for more than 
 four hours at a time. So with us it is 
 a case of catching those imitation rail- 
 road trains at all sorts of hours and 
 commute to beat the band. 
 
 Since I became a confirmed com- 
 muter I have sprained three watches 
 and two of my legs trying to catch 
 trains that are wild enough to dodge 
 a dog-catcher. 
 
 The commuters are divided into two 
 classes : going and coming. 
 
 One of the first rules for a com- 
 muter to follow after he locates the
 
 30 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 railroad station, and hikes there a cou- 
 ple of times to get in training, is to get 
 a red and pink and blue hammock. 
 
 A hammock is a necessary evil in 
 the country, because only by this 
 means can the insects become ac- 
 quainted with the new commuter. 
 
 The day after we first put up our 
 new hammock Uncle Peter came rub- 
 bering around to look it over. He was 
 all swelled up over being elected 
 Mayor, and he dropped in the ham- 
 mock with a splash. Ten seconds later 
 the rope exploded and Uncle Peter 
 made a deep impression on the stone 
 porch. 
 
 Every mosquito in the neighborhood 
 rushed to his assistance and tried to 
 lift him up with their teeth. 
 
 Then Uncle Peter ran home and 
 told Aunt Martha that Cinders, our 
 bulldog, had tried to bite him. 
 
 The national emblem of the com- 
 muter is the lawn-mower. 
 
 The lawn-mower was invented orig-
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 31 
 
 inally for the purpose of giving the 
 lawn a quick shave, and because it 
 can't talk like a barber it makes a noise 
 like the fall of Port Arthur. 
 
 I remember the first day I decided 
 I would trim the Vandyke beard on our 
 lawn. Of course I got all mine, and I 
 got it good. The result will always 
 live in history side by side with the 
 battle of Gettysburg. 
 
 The lawn-mower was sleeping 
 peacefully in the barn when I rushed 
 in and dragged it shriekingly from its 
 slumbers. 
 
 Perhaps it was because I forgot to 
 lather the lawn, but any way it was 
 the hardest shave I ever had anything 
 to do with. 
 
 That lawn-mower began to com- 
 plain so loudly that the neighbors for 
 miles around rushed to the rock pile 
 and armed themselves for the fray. 
 
 The committee of citizens attracted 
 by the screams of the lawn-mower 
 came over to see if I was killing a
 
 32 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 member of the family or only a dis- 
 tant relative. 
 
 When they saw me boxing the ears 
 of a stubborn lawn-mower they said 
 my punishment was heavy enough, so 
 they threw away the lynching rope and 
 left me at the post. 
 
 Clara J. came out on the porch and 
 said, " John, perhaps that lawn-mower 
 would stop screaming if you used a 
 little axle grease ! " 
 
 "All right," I came back at her, 
 " but it will take me an hour and a half 
 to find out which part of the lawn- 
 mower will fit the axle grease." 
 
 Then I lifted the machinery up to 
 examine its constitution and by-laws, 
 and about two and a half pounds of 
 wrought iron fell off and landed on 
 my instep. 
 
 The wrought iron made good. 
 
 Then I tried to stand on the other 
 foot, but I lost my balance and fell on 
 the lawn-mower's third rail. 
 
 I never was so mortified in my life
 
 Two and a half pounds of iron 
 landed on my instep, Page 32
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 33 
 
 as when that lawn-mower began to 
 saw its initials on my shin bones. 
 
 Every time I tried to get up I lost 
 my balance, and every time I lost my 
 balance the lawn-mower would leap up 
 in the air and fall on my wish-bone. 
 
 When loving hands finally pulled us 
 apart I was two doors and a half be- 
 low unconsciousness, while the lawn- 
 mower had recovered its second wind 
 and was wagging its tail with excite- 
 ment. 
 
 After waiting for about ten minutes 
 for me to come back in the ring, the 
 lawn-mower got impatient and began 
 to bark at me in Yiddish, so I decided 
 that our lawn could grow whiskers 
 like a Populist farmer and be hanged 
 to it. 
 
 Another splendid bit of local color 
 in the life of some commuters is the 
 tunnel which runs from Forty-second 
 Street up as far as One Hundred and 
 Fifty in the shade. 
 
 A ride through this tunnel on a hot
 
 34 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 day will put you over on Woosey Ave- 
 nue quicker than a No. 9 pill in Hop 
 Lee's smoke factory. 
 
 In order to get out to Ruraldene I 
 have to use the tunnel, and every time 
 I use it it leaves something which 
 looks like the mark of Cain across my 
 brow. 
 
 The first day I went through that 
 tunnel will always remain one of my 
 hottest memories. 
 
 I lost nine pounds of solid flesh 
 somewhere between my shoulder blade 
 and Seventy-ninth Street. 
 
 The sensation is the same as a Bad 
 Man's hereafter, including the sulphur. 
 
 First I choked up a little, then I 
 coughed, then I stirred uneasily, and 
 then I looked out the window and 
 prayed for the daylight, and then I 
 looked at my newspaper, but I couldn't 
 read it, because the railroad company 
 had found the gas bill pretty heavy 
 last month and they were cutting down 
 expenses.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 35 
 
 Then I lost my breath, and when I 
 got it back I found it wasn't mine. 
 
 Then I began to fan myself with 
 my hat, but I stopped when the man 
 behind me began to kick because I 
 was handing him more than his just 
 share of the tunnel gas. 
 
 Then I began to choke up again, 
 and then I coughed, and then I could 
 feel something fat and mysterious 
 playing hide and go seek around my 
 brain, but outside all was black as 
 ink, and only from the noise could I 
 tell that the road was still paying divi- 
 dends. 
 
 The air began to get close and thick 
 like a porterhouse steak in a St. Louis 
 hotel. 
 
 I began to breathe like my wife cro- 
 chets an open-faced stocking one, 
 two, three, drop one; one, two, three, 
 four, drop one. 
 
 Then my blood began to curdle and 
 cold chills ran up my back and liked 
 it so well they ran down again.
 
 36 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 My respiration was 8 to I, my in- 
 spiration was 9 to 6 for a place, and 
 my perspiration was like a cloud- 
 burst. 
 
 I had made my will with a few men- 
 tal and Indian reservations, and was 
 choking up for the last time when, 
 with one mighty jump forward, the 
 train shook itself free from the tunnel 
 and once more we were out in the sun- 
 light. 
 
 After picking enough sulphur off 
 my clothes to make a box of matches, 
 I reached gently over and tried to put 
 the window up, but it was closed 
 tighter than a sacred saloon on Sun- 
 day. 
 
 I gave the window-sash a couple of 
 upper-cuts and a few short-arm 
 punches, but it sat there and laughed 
 in my face. 
 
 The brakeman came through, and I 
 spoke to him about the window. He 
 said, " The first time I see the presi-
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 37 
 
 dent of the road I'll tell him about it ! " 
 and left me flat. 
 
 Once more I tried to open that win- 
 dow, but I only succeeded in opening 
 my collar ; so then I opened my mouth 
 and made a short but spicy announce- 
 ment, whereupon the old lady in the 
 seat ahead of me got up and left the 
 car. 
 
 Just then the train pulled into a sta- 
 tion which I hadn't paid for, but I 
 went out and took it, because it con- 
 tained a little fresh air. 
 
 Some day I will mention the name 
 of this railroad company and make 
 them blush. 
 
 Well, after I left Bunch that after- 
 noon, I ducked for the depot, and 
 reached Ruraldene just in time to wit- 
 ness the beginning of a most painful 
 episode. 
 
 The house was lighted up from cel- 
 lar to attic. As soon as I opened the 
 door I found our respected Mayor, 
 Uncle Peter, and he was also lit up.
 
 38 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 " It's a surprise, Johnny," he whis- 
 pered hoarsely. " Clara J. is giving 
 an entertainment for the benefit of the 
 Christian Soldiers' League, and it's 
 going to cost you two dollars to come 
 into your own house." 
 
 It made an awful hit with Uncle 
 Peter to see me cough up those two 
 bones, but I said nothing and made 
 good. 
 
 My wife called it a musicale, but to 
 me it looked more like a fight. 
 
 With the help of Aunt Martha and 
 Alice Grey, my wife arranged the pro- 
 gramme and kept it dark to surprise 
 the rest of the family. 
 
 It was such a surprise to me that I 
 felt like doing a glide to the wood- 
 lands. 
 
 It was my second experience with a 
 musicale, and this one cured me all 
 right. 
 
 You know I don't care much for 
 society especially when it breaks 
 into our bungalow and begins to
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 39 
 
 scratch my furniture with its high- 
 heeled shoes. But just to please 
 Peaches I promised to go in the parlor 
 and not be an insult to those present. 
 
 For awhile everybody sat around 
 and sized up what everybody else was 
 wearing. 
 
 Then they gave each other the silent 
 double-cross. 
 
 Presently my wife whispered to 
 Miss Cleopatra Hungerschnitz, where- 
 upon that young lady giggled her way 
 over to the piano and began to knock 
 its teeth out. 
 
 The way Cleopatra went after one 
 of Beethoven's sonatas and slapped its 
 ears was pitiful. 
 
 Cleopatra learned to injure a piano 
 at a conservatory of music, and she 
 could take a fugo by Victor Hugo and 
 leave it for dead in about thirty-two 
 bars. 
 
 At the finish of the sonata we all 
 applauded Cleopatra just as loudly as 
 we could, in the hope that she would
 
 40 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 faint with surprise and stop playing, 
 but no such luck. 
 
 She tied a couple of chords together 
 and swung that piano like a pair of In- 
 dian clubs. 
 
 First she did " My Old Kentucky 
 Home," with variations, until every- 
 body who had a home began to weep 
 for fear it might get to be like her 
 Kentucky home. 
 
 The variations were where she made 
 a mistake and struck the right note. 
 
 Then Cleopatra moved up to the 
 squeaky end of the piano and gave an 
 imitation of a Swiss music box. 
 
 It sounded to me like a Swiss cheese. 
 
 Presently Cleopatra ran out of raw 
 material and subsided, while we all 
 applauded her with our fingers 
 crossed, and two very thoughtful la- 
 dies began to talk fast to Cleopatra 
 so as to take her mind off the piano. 
 
 Then the Bingledingle brothers, 
 known as Oscar and Victor, opened 
 fire on us with a couple of mandolins.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 41 
 
 Oscar and Victor play entirely by 
 hand. They don't know one note from 
 another, and they can prove it when 
 they begin to play. 
 
 Their mother believes them to be 
 prodigies of genius. She is alone in 
 her belief. 
 
 After Oscar and Victor had chased 
 one of Sousa's marches all over the 
 parlor and finally left it unconscious 
 under the sofa, they bowed and ceased 
 firing, and then they went out in the 
 dining-room and filled their storage 
 batteries with ice cream and cake. 
 
 This excitement was followed by an- 
 other catastrophe named Minnehaha 
 Jones, who picked up a couple of so- 
 prano songs and screeched them at us. 
 
 Minnehaha is one of those fearless 
 singers who vocalize without a safety 
 valve. She always keeps her eyes 
 closed, so she can't tell just when her 
 audience gets up and leaves the room. 
 
 The next treat was a mixed duet on 
 the flute and trombone between Clar-
 
 42 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 ence Smith and Lancelot Diffenberger, 
 with a violin obligate on the side by 
 Hector Tompkins. 
 
 Never before have I seen music so 
 roughly handled. 
 
 It looked like a walk-over for Clar- 
 ence, but in the fifth round he blew 
 a couple of green notes and Lancelot 
 got the decision. 
 
 Then, for a consolation prize, Hec- 
 tor was led out in the middle of the 
 room, where he assassinated Mascag- 
 ni's Cavalleria Rusticana so thoroughly 
 that it will never be able to enter a 
 fifty-cent table d'hote restaurant again. 
 
 Then Cornucopia Coogan arose and 
 gave us a few select recitations. She 
 weighs 295 pounds and she was im- 
 mense. 
 
 Just as she started to tell us that 
 Curfew would not ring to-night Uncle 
 Peter winked at me, and we sneaked 
 out and began to drown our sorrow. 
 
 Those musicales would be all to the
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 43 
 
 good if the music didn't suffocate 
 them. 
 
 After the crowd had left that night 
 Peaches said to me, " John, Uncle Pe- 
 ter and Aunt Martha and I have been 
 talking matters over to-day, and we've 
 arranged a most delightful surprise 
 for you ! " 
 
 " What is it, another one of those 
 parlor riots ? " I asked. " If so, I want 
 to tell you right now that you couldn't 
 surprise me if Uncle Peter and Aunt 
 Martha stepped out and did a song 
 and dance in black face." 
 
 Peaches laughed. 
 
 " Oh ! that isn't it," she chuckled. 
 " It has something to do with the 
 $5,000 you've saved." 
 
 " Oh ! it has," I muttered faintly. 
 
 " Yes, Uncle Peter thinks we better 
 not invest it in that house just now," 
 she went on. " He has a better plan. 
 You are to give him the money and 
 he will invest it for you." 
 
 " Ah ! " I said.
 
 44 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 " But that isn't the real surprise," 
 she cooed. 
 
 " It will do," I answered. 
 
 " Uncle Peter is so delighted that 
 you have kept your promise to me 
 not to speculate any more that he has 
 planned oh! I nearly told, and it's 
 such a secret ! " 
 
 Then I went over into a corner and 
 got busy with my thoughts. 
 
 Bunch and I would have to get Pe- 
 troskinski to work in a hurry. 
 
 We both needed the money.
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS BUSY. 
 
 WE were a half-hour early 
 for my appointment with 
 Signer Petroskinski 
 when Bunch and I strolled into the 
 cafe of the Hotel Astor the next day. 
 
 " Bunch," I said, when the waiter 
 had forced a confession from us, 
 " there's doings out home. Clara J. 
 tipped me off last night that I must 
 hand over my five thousand plunks 
 to be properly invested by the Mayor 
 of Ruraldene." 
 
 " Uncle Peter ! " chuckled Bunch. 
 
 " Now I can't tip my hand to the 
 old gentleman and have him lecture 
 me all over the place, can I, Bunch ? " 
 
 " Not unless you want your wife to 
 know that you sprained your prom- 
 ise."
 
 46 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 " Then it's up to me to press the 
 button and start my get-rich-quick 
 concern," I said. " I simply can't go 
 home and hand them a sad drool about 
 being coaxed into the Street and be- 
 ing trimmed for my coin nix! The 
 only thing to do is to go out and get it 
 back, and get it quick, eh, Bunch ? " 
 
 " You bet, John," Bunch agreed. 
 " I spent last evening with Alice and 
 I "felt like phony money all the time. 
 She's going right ahead with the wed- 
 ding preparations and I simply hadn't 
 the nerve to tell her that I lost nearly 
 every penny I had. Uncle William 
 Grey tiptoed into the parlor for a few 
 moments and began to congratulate 
 me on the good reports he had had 
 from Alice with regard to my ability 
 to save a bit of money. I could feel 
 myself shrivelling up as he talked and 
 the parlor began to turn around and 
 start for the Bennings track." 
 
 " I know the feeling," I said earn- 
 estly. " There was a time, Bunch,
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 47 
 
 that whenever my wife mentioned the 
 word money to me I could see a horse 
 come into the room and shake his 
 mane at me." 
 
 "And then," Bunch continued, 
 " Uncle William said to me, ' Jeffer- 
 son, my boy, Alice tells me you've al- 
 ready saved up five thousand, and I'm 
 proud of you. I didn't like you at 
 first, because I thought you were a ha- 
 rum scarum like your friend, John 
 Henry ; but now that you've developed 
 such manly traits of character I'm go- 
 ing to take four thousand of your 
 money, put the same amount in for 
 Alice, and start you in business.' Say, 
 John, I wanted to go through the par- 
 lor floor and on through the earth and 
 then out through the busiest fort at 
 Port Arthur, and let a Jap shell knock 
 my silly head off." 
 
 " We're both up against it for fair/' 
 I said ; " and we'll have to get in the 
 ice-cutting business right away. As I 
 told you, this Signer Petroskinski is
 
 48 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 the marvel of the age, and we can 
 simply coin money with him. Two 
 thousand dollars will start the driving 
 wheels gi' me your thousand and I'll 
 put it with mine." 
 
 Bunch dug out his last bundle of big 
 bills and I gave him the partnership 
 articles I had framed up. 
 
 " We'll open up in New Rochelle," 
 I said, " next Thursday night. Charlie 
 Osgood is a friend of mine and he's 
 laid out a gilt-edged route for me. 
 Mamaroneck Friday night, and then 
 into Cos Cob for Saturday matinee and 
 night." 
 
 " That doesn't sound like a glad ho- 
 sannah to me ! " Bunch grumbled. 
 
 "What, Cos Cob!" I answered. 
 " It's aces. Charlie Osgood says Cos 
 Cob is a great Saturday night town 
 because it's pay-day at the gas works. 
 From there we jump to Green's Farms 
 for the Monday night show." 
 
 " Is that place really on the map ? " 
 Bunch asked.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 49 
 
 " Sure it is," I said. " Charlie says 
 it's a good Monday night town be- 
 cause two through freights lay over 
 there till daylight. Tuesday night we 
 have to double back to Greenwich, and 
 that's where Charlie gave us the bum 
 deal. This gag of chasing us back 
 over the same route is rotten, because 
 somebody may be sitting up for us 
 with a rock. But Charlie says Green- 
 wich has developed into a great show 
 town since five new families moved 
 there last summer. Wednesday we get 
 into Stamford for a run two per- 
 formances. Friday we are booked at 
 South Norwalk and Saturday we play 
 matinee and night at Saugatuck Junc- 
 tion. Charlie says Saugatuck is a 
 cinch money-maker because it's a 
 Junction. When I asked him what 
 there is about a Junction that makes 
 it a safe play Charlie excused himself 
 and went to lunch. After Saugatuck 
 we are not booked, because Charlie 
 says something may fall down in New
 
 50 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 York and he may want to yank us 
 right in. And, say, if Signor Petro- 
 skinski, the Illusionist and Worker of 
 Mystical Magic, ever gets a crack at a 
 Broadway audience it'll be a case of 
 us matching John D. Rockefeller to 
 see who has the most money." 
 
 " No, we better not bring Skinski 
 into New York," Bunch advised. 
 " I'm afraid of the critics." 
 
 "What critics?" I inquired. 
 " There are only four people in New 
 York city who can write criticisms 
 the rest of the bunch are slush-dealers, 
 and a knock from any one of them is a 
 boost." 
 
 " I mean Mr. Stale," Bunch put in. 
 " If he were to roast our Skinski it 
 might hurt our business." 
 
 " It would among the Swedes and 
 Hungarians," I cross-countered. " I'm 
 wise to Mr. Stale, nee Cohenheimer, 
 the Human Harpoon! Say, Bunch! 
 he's a joke. I caught him the day he 
 first left the blacksmith shop, some ten
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 51 
 
 years ago, with a boathook in each 
 hand and a toasting fork between his 
 teeth. That duck isn't a critic, he's 
 only a Foofoo." 
 
 "What the devil is a Foofoo?" 
 Bunch asked. 
 
 " A Foofoo is something that tried 
 to happen and then lost the address," 
 I explained. "Did you ever pipe 
 Stale's cheery bits of humor as exem- 
 plified in one of his burning criticisms ? 
 Well, I'll put you wise, Bunch : 
 
 " I went to the Kookoo theatre last 
 night, I and myself. Voila! tout bien! 
 I have seen lots of shows before, I 
 have, but I have never, I solemnly de- 
 clare, seen any show so utterly banal 
 as this. The libretto was written by 
 some obscure person who never reads 
 my criticisms for if he did he would 
 know that I abhor Dutch dialect. 
 One reason I hate it so much is that 
 some people can write it so well that 
 they make more money than I do writ- 
 ing English undefiled oh ! the shame 
 of it! Voila! tout suite! But to re- 
 turn to our muttons, as we say in Paris
 
 $2 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 whenever I go there. Tottie Cough- 
 drop played the principal part but a 
 merciful Providence gave me a cold in 
 the head so I couldn't hear what she 
 said! Voila! tout fromage de Brie! 
 To my mind Tottie looked like one of 
 yesterday's ham sandwiches, and a 
 ' gent ' sitting near me said she was 
 all to the mustard, so you see great 
 minds run in the same channel oh! 
 la, la, la! But to return to our mut- 
 tons. The show is said to have cost 
 $25,000, but what care I ? Voila! tout 
 coalscuttle! I'd roast it if it cost $50,- 
 ooo, otherwise how could I make 
 good? Voila! tout blatherskite! But 
 to return to our muttons. I went out 
 after the first act and never did go 
 back great joke on the show, wasn't 
 it? Oh! la, la, la! Still I insist that 
 Tottie Coughdrop looked like a ham 
 sandwich. Voila! tout fudge!" 
 
 "So that's the kind of piffle that 
 managers and actors have to go up 
 against," laughed Bunch. 
 
 " They don't go up against it any 
 more, Bunch," I said. " They are 
 shifty young guys in the theatrical
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 53 
 
 business nowadays, and they sidestep 
 the hammer-throwers. Mr. Stale is a 
 back number, and his harpoon can't 
 stop a dollar bill from flutering into 
 any man's box office." 
 
 "He thinks he can, all right," 
 Bunch muttered. 
 
 " Well, there are two thinks and a 
 half still due him," I said. " Who ever 
 gave that guy a license to splash ink 
 all over a production and hold actors, 
 authors and managers up to ridicule? 
 Did you ever hear of an actor or an 
 author or a manager getting out a 
 three-sheet which held a newspaper up 
 to ridicule ? " 
 
 " Not on your endowment policy," 
 Bunch chimed in. 
 
 " Well, isn't a newspaper just as 
 much of a public institution as a thea- 
 tre? Suppose a manager were to call 
 in a rubberneck, hand him a tool box 
 and send him to a newspaper office to 
 look for a splashy production on a 
 busy night. Suppose, further, that af-
 
 54 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 ter the paper went to press Mr. Rub- 
 berneck opened up his tool box and be- 
 gan to pound on the leading man in 
 the print shop for having a bunch of 
 bad grammar in his editorial column, 
 and after that, suppose our friend with 
 the glistening eyes jumped on one of 
 the sub-editors because the woman's 
 page was out of alignment, or made a 
 rave because the jokes in the funny 
 column were all to the ancient, what 
 would happen to Mr. Rubberneck, eh, 
 what? Sixteen editors, fourteen re- 
 porters and twenty-three linotype men 
 would take a running kick at old But- 
 tinski, and there wouldn't be enough 
 of him left to give the coroner an 
 excuse to look solemn." 
 
 " I thought Stale used to write 
 books," Bunch put in. 
 
 " He thought so, too, but the public 
 passed him the ice pitcher," I said. 
 " He started in to be a successful au- 
 thor and then he bit his tongue." 
 
 " He'll get after you good and hard
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 55 
 
 if he hears you talking this way," 
 Bunch admonished. 
 
 " Say ! Bunch ! he's been after me 
 for five years and he hasn't caught up 
 with me yet. Every time he's had a 
 chance he's tossed a few sneers in my 
 direction, so I made up my mind the 
 other day I'd coax him down to the 
 foundry and throw the anvil at him. 
 If ever I do cut loose on that Birming- 
 ham gent he'll think he has swallowed 
 one of his own harpoons. He's a case 
 of Perpetual Grouch because it gets 
 the dough for him on pay-day. 
 
 " If somebody ever steals his ham- 
 mer he'll be doing hotfoots for the 
 handout thing and he'll eat about once 
 a week. 
 
 " It's a brave and glorious spectacle, 
 isn't it, Bunch, to watch this mouldy 
 writer, with a big newspaper behind 
 him and columns of space at his com- 
 mand, throwing his hooks into actors 
 and actresses who haven't a chance on 
 earth to get back."
 
 56 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 " I'd hate to have to make my living 
 by trying to drag the bread and butter 
 away from other people," Bunch but- 
 ted in. 
 
 " Yes, and the nickel-plated nerve 
 that goes with it," I went on. " Every 
 time this Stale guy goes to a theatre 
 he makes it appear that he was forced 
 into a den of thieves and everybody 
 he can point out with his fountain pen 
 is either a criminal or a dirty deuce. 
 What has he ever done that finished 
 one, two, nine ? " 
 
 " He's been fourflushing around for 
 years about the pitiful condition of the 
 ' drammer/ but did he ever write a 
 play that saw the light of day ? Nix. 
 
 " I'll bet eight dollars if he ever does 
 get a play produced there'll be nobody 
 left in the theatre but the ushers and 
 the spot light after the first act." 
 
 " Lots of people think he is very 
 clever," Bunch suggested. 
 
 " So is a trained goat," I came back. 
 " If you stood a crowd of handcuffed
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 57 
 
 actors and authors and managers up 
 in a corner and made faces at them 
 and called them names and blew spit- 
 balls in their eyes you could get a 
 laugh from the low foreheads, couldn't 
 you, Bunch ? " 
 
 " Surest thing you know, John." 
 
 "Well, that's Grouchy Stale's line 
 of endeavor. Say, Bunch, if it were 
 not for the knocks contained therein 
 one of that guy's essays would read 
 like the maiden effort of a lovesick 
 jellyfish. 
 
 " Did you ever pipe the pure and 
 lofty and highly ennobling sentiments, 
 the spiritually beautiful inspiration 
 which characterizes that book of his 
 that deft little dip into degeneracy 
 something about a frozen wedding! 
 Oh, slush! Percy, pass the cigar- 
 ettes ! " 
 
 " There must be a certain class of 
 people who read that kind of criti- 
 cism," Bunch said. 
 
 " That windy stuff Stale hands out
 
 58 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 is supposed to be criticism, Bunch, but 
 it isn't it's typewritten egotism." 
 
 " Yes, but it's useless for you to go 
 after him, John; he'll only hand you 
 another javelin." 
 
 "Well, the next time that dub 
 throws the gaff into me I'll know he 
 has a reason for it. Hereafter, every 
 time he bats an eye in my direction it's 
 me for a swift get-back, I'll tell you 
 those!" 
 
 " You should bear the ills of the 
 flesh with Christian fortitude," 
 grinned Bunch. 
 
 "Nix," I said. "I'm tired hold- 
 ing up something fat for a mutt like 
 that to paddle with a slapstick ! "
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A SHOCK. 
 
 A FEW minutes later we went 
 into the general restaurant 
 and found Signer Petro- 
 skinski waiting for us. 
 
 His right name was Jeff Mulligan, 
 but Petroskinski sounded more for- 
 eign, and he fell for it. 
 
 I introduced Skinski to Bunch, and 
 in five minutes all the business details 
 were settled. 
 
 Skinski needed about $900 to pay 
 for a couple of new illusions which 
 were being built for him, and Bunch 
 was appointed a committee to go down 
 to Sixth Avenue and disburse the 
 funds. 
 
 " I think we've got the real graft, 
 don't you, Skinski?" .1 said, after 
 the luncheon had been ordered.
 
 60 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 " It's a pipe ! " Skinski replied in 
 pure United States, much to Bunch's 
 surprise. From the name and the 
 make-up I suppose Bunch expected 
 Skinski to yelp in Bulgarian or throw 
 out signals in Graeco-Roman. 
 
 Skinski was a warm member with 
 the gab thing. 
 
 He got his start in life travelling 
 with a medicine wagon in the West, 
 and what he didn't know about the 
 show business wasn't necessary. 
 
 " Say, people ! " our star went on, 
 " I've a couple of new card tricks up 
 my sleeve that will leave the Reubens 
 gasping for air. And when I pull my 
 new illusion, entitled, ' Keno, or the 
 Curious Cage/ on the public it will be 
 a case of counting easy coin. Say ! did 
 I ever tell you about that gold mine I 
 won in the West many moons ago ? " 
 
 " Nix on the dream work, Skinski," 
 I cut in. " We've put up our good 
 money to start you, so let's get down 
 to the programme."
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 6 1 
 
 "Oh! very well," said Skinski; 
 "but I was down to see my brokers 
 to-day in Wall Street and there are do- 
 ings. I've got a plantation full of gold 
 out near the Blue Hills, and " 
 
 " Please don't smoke, there are la- 
 dies present ! " admonished Bunch. 
 
 " Oh, very well ! " said Skinski, and 
 forthwith he launched into a descrip- 
 tion of his various tricks. 
 
 The waiter had just brought our 
 luncheon when a large blondined 
 shadow fell across the festive board, 
 and Skinski jumped to his feet, fol- 
 lowed by Bunch and yours surprisedly. 
 
 " Permit me ! " Skinski said ; " our 
 new backers, Mr. Jefferson and Mr. 
 John Henry! this is Mademoiselle 
 Dodo, the Human Guessworks. She's 
 my assistant in the mind-reading tests, 
 and she's all to the elegant. Will you 
 feed the face, Dodey ? " 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " Dodo re- 
 plied, as she splashed into the chair 
 provided by the waiter, while I glanced
 
 62 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 at Bunch sideways and found him on 
 the verge of a fainting fit. 
 
 " I've told Dodey all about you two 
 glad boys," Skinski went on, " and 
 she's for you, ain't you, Dodey? " 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " Dodo 
 chimed in, with a hungry glance at the 
 cooked stuff. 
 
 " I told her we had a business meet 
 on here, but if she wanted to squeeze 
 in she wouldn't be in nobody's way," 
 Skinski continued. " Dodey's an aw- 
 ful clever girl, and she wouldn't be in 
 this biz eight hours if that gold 
 mine " 
 
 " Sure, I know ! " I interrupted ; 
 "possibly Mademoiselle is thirsty a 
 little wine, eh ? " 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " the stout 
 person replied, with a celerity that 
 made Bunch sit up and look about the 
 room to see if anyone suspected him. 
 
 " Dodey is always for the suds 
 thing," Skinski chipped in. " But 
 never to excess, never to excess. I
 
 You betcher sweet!" Page 63
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 63 
 
 never see Dodey lit up but once, and 
 that was in Dayton, Ohio, the night 
 we played to the janitor of the hall 
 and his four children. When we came 
 to the place where Dodey is blind- 
 folded and does the decimal fractions 
 stunt on the blackboard the janitor's 
 oldest child fooled Dodey into doing 
 all next week's lessons in arithmetic 
 and Dodey fretted over it, didn't you, 
 Dodey?" 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " the leading 
 lady replied, with both eyes following 
 the efforts of the waiter, who was 
 opening a bottle of Pommery. 
 
 Bunch was beginning to get un- 
 easy and I had a bad attack of 
 fidgets. 
 
 " Say, Dodey ! " our bright and 
 shining light went on, "I want you 
 to make a fuss over these two young 
 gents, because they are the only nearly 
 silk on the counter. They've put up 
 their good cush to send me on tour 
 without ever dragging me before a
 
 64 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 Police Justice to swear that I'm on the 
 level, and if ever that gold mine " 
 
 " Tush ! " I interrupted. " I saw you 
 work, Skinski, and you're a wonder; 
 that's good enough for my money." 
 
 " Yes, but you never once put a 
 sleuth over the back trail to throw the 
 spot light on my past life," Skinski 
 babbled on. " You're the first white 
 man that ever took a chance with me 
 without lashing me to the medicine 
 ball, and I'll make good for you, all 
 right, won't I, Dodey?" 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " she mum- 
 bled, with a mouth full of Pommery. 
 
 " Say ! " said Skinski to me, after 
 we had ordered some breadstuff for 
 the leading lady, " you're not such a 
 late train with the sleight-of-hand 
 gag yourself, Mr. Manager ! " 
 
 " Oh ! I'm only a piker at it," I re- 
 plied, modestly. " I can do a few 
 moth-eaten tricks with the cards and 
 I've studied out a few of the illu- 
 sions, enough to know how to do them
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 65 
 
 without breaking an ankle, but I'm not 
 cute enough to be on the stage." 
 
 Skinski laughed, and Dodo looked 
 over another glass of Pommery long 
 enough to say, " You betcher sweet ! " 
 
 " Well," said Skinski, leading a 
 bevy of French-fried potatoes up to 
 his moustache, " you'll know enough 
 about it after I rehearse you to go on 
 and do the show when we hit a fried- 
 egg burg, where there's only a Mr. 
 and Mrs. Audience to greet our earn- 
 est endeavors. Say, boys, you'll get a 
 lot of fricasseed experience trailing 
 with this troupe, believe me ! " 
 
 " I'm only going to be with you for 
 a few days," I answered. " Mr. Jef- 
 ferson will be your permanent man- 
 ager." 
 
 "The hell I will!" spluttered 
 Bunch. Then he got red in the face, 
 glared at Dodo, and grouched out a 
 "beg pardon!" 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " she replied, 
 patting the Pommery.
 
 66 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 " Say, John ! you know well enough 
 I can't leave New York for more than 
 two or three days just at this time 
 without having a good excuse to give 
 Alice," Bunch growled, while Skinski 
 and the Circassian lady put the knives 
 to the chicken livers en brochette. 
 
 " How about me ! " I snapped back. 
 " I can't go out of town at all, except 
 in the day-time. I'll have to duck 
 back to Ruraldene after the show 
 every evening or lose my card in the 
 Happy Husbands' Union. It's differ- 
 ent with you, Bunch ; you're not mar- 
 ried yet." 
 
 "It isn't different at all," Bunch 
 whipsawed me. " And you haven't 
 any business to expect me to hike over 
 the country with this outfit while you 
 stay at home and read Bunyan's Pil- 
 grim's Progress." 
 
 " I won't read that at all," I coun- 
 tered ; " I'll read nothing but the ship 
 news to see if you are stranded."
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 67 
 
 "Well, I won't do it!" snorted 
 Bunch. 
 
 " You'll have to do it if you want to 
 win out that wedding money," I re- 
 torted. " Is this the way you thank 
 me for what I've done for you ? " 
 
 " Done for me, nothing ! " Bunch 
 bit back. " I put up as much coin as 
 you did, and now you want me to do 
 all the work ! " 
 
 " Work ! " I echoed ; " what work is 
 it to count money, eh, Skinski ? " 
 
 " Counting money is a hot pastime, 
 isn't it, Dodey ? " he answered. 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " responded 
 the fair lady, gazing dreamily at the 
 empty flagon of Pommery. 
 
 " Well, take my word for it," 
 snarled Bunch, " I don't hanker for 
 that sort of amusement. If there's any 
 train-hopping to be done, it's up to 
 you, John. It's your game, not mine." 
 
 " Say, are you going to welsh on 
 me now that we've passed over our 
 contract to Skinski ? " I asked hotly.
 
 68 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 " No, I'm not going to welsh," 
 Bunch came right back, " but I'm only 
 a silent partner in this concern, so 
 you for the Bad Lands to do the bark- 
 ing for the show." 
 
 " Why didn't you flash this stingy 
 talk on me before we got started?" 
 I wanted to know. " It's a shine play 
 to wait till you get me all tied up with 
 these artists here ! " 
 
 Skinski and Dodo both took a bow. 
 
 " I didn't," Bunch cackled. " You 
 framed up the whole thing, and now 
 you're sore because I won't leave 
 home and friends to plug your game." 
 
 " It's as much your game as mine ! " 
 
 "It isn't!" 
 
 "It is!" 
 
 "Rats!" 
 
 " Make it twice on the Rats ! " 
 
 In two seconds more I suppose we 
 would have come to blows, but just 
 then a well-known voice behind us 
 gurgled, " Hayo, John ! why, I hadn't
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 69 
 
 any idea you were here ! And Bunch, 
 too ! I'm so glad to see you ! " 
 
 It was Peaches, and behind her, 
 smiling sweet approval, stood Aunt 
 Martha. 
 
 Heart failure for mine as I stum- 
 bled to my feet and caught the inter- 
 ested expressions on the faces of Skin- 
 ski and Dodo. 
 
 "Aunt Martha and I have been 
 shopping, and we dropped in here for 
 luncheon," my wife rattled on, while I 
 was slowly recovering. 
 
 " Of course we don't wish to be de 
 trop," she added, glancing curiously 
 at the famous Skinski and his assist- 
 ant in the mind-reading tests. 
 
 " No, no, Peaches ; certainly not ! " 
 I spluttered ; " hadn't the faintest idea 
 you were coming in town to-day. Let 
 me present Bunch's Uncle Cornelius 
 McGowan and his Aunt Flora from 
 Springfield my wife and my mother- 
 in-law!" 
 
 Skinski and Dodo were wise in a
 
 70 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 minute, and they never batted an eye, 
 but Bunch took the full count. 
 
 Of course he couldn't deny the rela- 
 tionship without giving himself away, 
 so he simply stood there and looked 
 foolish. 
 
 " Have you been in the city very 
 long?" my wife said most pleasantly 
 to Signor Petroskinski. 
 
 " No, Madam," he answered, with 
 a most courtier-like bow ; " we only 
 broke away from the cars this morn- 
 ing, and we bumped into nephew quite 
 by chance, didn't we, nephew ? " 
 
 Bunch growled something that 
 wouldn't sound well on the grapho- 
 phone. 
 
 "Do you like New York?" Aunt 
 Martha asked the other half of the 
 sketch in an effort to be pleasant. 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " said Dodo, 
 . whereupon Aunt Martha fell back 
 two paces to the rear and looked pity- 
 ingly at Bunch. 
 
 "If you'll excuse us, Uncle Cor-
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 71 
 
 nelius and Aunt Flora, I'll take my 
 wife and her mother to the train," 
 I said nervously. 
 
 " Not at all, not at all," piped Skin- 
 ski. " Dodey I mean Flo and I 
 don't mind a bit, do we, Flo ? " 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " she an- 
 swered, and I saw Peaches glance 
 questioningly at Bunch, who was giv- 
 ing a brilliant imitation of the last 
 rose of summer. 
 
 " But, John, I'm so hungry," 
 Peaches pleaded. 
 
 " I know, my dear, but you see 
 Bunch has an awful lot of family hap- 
 penings to discuss with his relatives," 
 I said; "and we must give him a 
 chance to get acquainted with Uncle 
 Cornelius and Aunt Flora." 
 
 Whereupon I grabbed my hat and 
 ducked for another eat shop without 
 ever glancing at Bunch.
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS EXCITED. 
 
 THE next day being Sunday, I 
 determined to forget all my 
 troubles and take Peaches 
 out buggy riding. 
 
 I felt sure that Bunch was rid of his 
 grouch by this time, and that he 
 wouldn't have a rock in his hat for me 
 for pulling that " Uncle Cornelius " 
 
 gag- 
 
 I rather expected he'd show up at 
 Ruraldene some time Sunday evening. 
 At any rate, I was sure Skinski and 
 the Dodo bird had conned him back 
 to real life, and that by Monday morn- 
 ing he'd be ripe for work again. 
 
 Peaches and Aunt Martha said very 
 little about Bunch's new relatives. 
 They decided that " Uncle Cornelius "
 
 The answer was a cream-colored horse 
 which looked at me sadly. Page 73
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 73 
 
 was eccentric and rather interesting, 
 but when they thought of " Aunt 
 Flora" they both got nervous and 
 changed the subject. 
 
 When I suggested the buggy ride 
 to Peaches she was delighted, and I 
 moseyed for the Ruraldene livery sta- 
 ble to get staked to a horse. 
 
 Anybody who has ever lived in a su- 
 burban town will doubtless recall what 
 handsome specimens of equine perfec- 
 tion may be found in the local livery 
 stable not. 
 
 The livery man at Ruraldene is 
 named Henlopen Diffenbingle, and he 
 looks the part. 
 
 I judged from the excited manner 
 in which he grabbed my deposit money 
 that morning that he had a note fall- 
 ing due next day. 
 
 Then Henlopen shut his eyes, 
 counted six, turned around twice, mul- 
 tiplied the day of the week by 19, sub- 
 tracted 17, and the answer was a 
 cream-colored horse with four pink
 
 74 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 feet and a frightened face, which 
 looked at me sadly, sighed deeply and 
 then backed up into the shafts of a 
 buggy with red wheels and white sul- 
 phur springs. 
 
 The livery man said that the name 
 of the horse was Parsifal, because it 
 seemed to go better in German. 
 
 I drove Parsifal up to our modest 
 home, and all the way there we ran 
 neck and neck with a coal cart. 
 
 Parsifal used to be a fast horse, but 
 quite some time ago he stopped eat- 
 ing his wild oats and now leads a 
 slower life. 
 
 When I reached the gate I whistled 
 for Peaches, because I was afraid to 
 get out and leave Parsifal alone. He 
 might go to sleep and fall down. 
 
 My wife came out, looked at the 
 rig, and then went back in the house 
 and bade everybody an affecting fare- 
 well. 
 
 There were tears in her eyes when 
 she came out and climbed into the
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 75 
 
 buggy. She said she was crying be- 
 cause Aunt Martha wasn't there to 
 see us driving away and have the 
 laugh of her life. 
 
 We started off and we were rush- 
 ing along the road, passing a fence 
 and overtaking a telegraph pole every 
 once in a while, when suddenly we 
 heard behind us a very insistent choof- 
 choof-choof-choof ! 
 
 " It's one of those Careless Wag- 
 ons," I whispered to Peaches, and then 
 we both looked at Parsifal to see if 
 there was a mental struggle going on 
 in his forehead, but he was rushing on- 
 ward with his head down, watching 
 his feet to make sure they didn't step 
 on each other. 
 
 Choof-choof-choof ! came the Tor- 
 pedo Destroyer behind us, and I 
 wrapped the reins around my wrist, 
 in case Parsifal should get uneasy and 
 want to print horseshoes all over that 
 automobile. 
 
 The next minute the machine
 
 76 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 passed us, going at the rate of 14 con- 
 stables an hour, and as it did so Par- 
 sifal stopped still and seemed to be 
 biting his lips with suppressed emo- 
 tion. 
 
 I coaxed him to proceed in English, 
 in Spanish and Italian, and then in a 
 pale blue language of my own, but he 
 just stood there and bit his lips. 
 
 I believe if he had possessed finger- 
 nails he would have bitten them too. 
 
 I gave the reins to my wife with 
 instructions how to act if the horse 
 started, and I jumped out to argue 
 with him. 
 
 Just when I had picked out a good- 
 sized rock, which was to be my argu- 
 ment, Parsifal came out of his trance 
 and started off, but Peaches forgot 
 her instructions and spoke above a 
 whisper and he stopped again. 
 
 Then I took the reins, cracked the 
 whip, shouted a couple of banzais from 
 the Japanese national anthem, and
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 77 
 
 away we rushed like the wind when 
 it isn't blowing hard. 
 
 The hours flew by and we must 
 have gone at least half a mile, when 
 another Kerosene Wagon came bounc- 
 ing towards us from the opposite di- 
 rection. 
 
 In it was a happy party of ladies 
 and gentlemen, who were laughing 
 and chatting about some people they 
 had just run over. 
 
 Parsifal saw them coming and 
 stopped still in the middle of the road. 
 Then he hung his head as low as he 
 could, and I believe if that horse had 
 been supplied with hands he would 
 have put them over his ears. 
 
 The people in the Bubble began to 
 shout at us, and I began to shout at 
 the horse, and my wife began to shout 
 at me, while Parsifal stood there and 
 scratched his left ankle with his right 
 heel. 
 
 Then the big machine made a sud- 
 den jump to the right and hiked by us
 
 78 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 at the rate of about a $100 fine, while 
 the lady passengers on the hurricane 
 deck stood up and began to hand out 
 medals to each other because they 
 didn't run us down. 
 
 Ten minutes later Parsifal came to 
 and looked over his shoulder at us 
 with a smile as serene as the morn- 
 ing and once more resumed his mad 
 career onward, ever onward. 
 
 We were now about two miles from 
 home, and suddenly we came across 
 a big red Bubble which stood in front 
 of a road-house, sneezing inwardly 
 and sobbing with all its corrugated 
 heart. 
 
 Parsifal saw the machine before we 
 did. 
 
 We knew there must be an automo- 
 bile somewhere near, because he 
 stopped still and quietly passed away. 
 
 I jumped out and tried to lead him 
 by the Coroner's Delight, but he 
 planted his four feet in the middle of 
 the road and refused to be coaxed.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 79 
 
 I took that horse by the ear and 
 whispered therein just what I thought 
 about him, but he wouldn't talk back. 
 
 I told him my wife's honor was at 
 stake, but he looked my wife over and 
 his lips curled with an expression 
 which seemed to say, " Impossible." 
 
 It was all off with us. 
 
 Parsifal simply wouldn't move until 
 that sobbing Choo Choo Wagon had 
 left the neighborhood, so I went inside 
 the road-house to find the owner. 
 
 I found him. He consisted of a Ger- 
 man chauffeur and eight bottles of 
 beer. 
 
 When I explained the pitiful situa- 
 tion to him the chauffeur swallowed 
 two bottles of beer and began to cry. 
 
 Then he told the waiter to call him 
 at 7 :3O, and he put his head down on 
 the table and went to sleep with his 
 face in a cute little nest of hard-boiled 
 cigarettes. 
 
 I rushed to the telephone and called 
 up the liveryman, but before I could
 
 8o YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 think of a word strong enough to fit 
 the occasion he whispered over the 
 wire, " I know your voice, Mr. Henry. 
 I suppose Parsifal is waiting for you 
 outside ! " 
 
 Forthwith I tried to tell that livery- 
 man just what I thought about him 
 and Parsifal, but the telephone girl 
 short-circuited my remarks and they 
 came back and set fire to the wood- 
 work. 
 
 " My, my ! " I could hear the livery- 
 man saying. " Parsifal's hesitation 
 must be the result of the epidemic of 
 automobiles which is now raging over 
 our country roads. The automobile 
 has a strange effect on Parsifal. It 
 seems to cover him with a pause and 
 gives him inflammation of the speed." 
 
 I thought of poor Peaches sitting 
 out there in that blushing buggy star- 
 ing at a dreaming horse, while in front 
 of her a Red Devil Wagon complained 
 internally and shook its tonneau at her,
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 8 1 
 
 and once more I jolted that liveryman 
 with a few verbal twisters. 
 
 " Don't get excited," he whispered 
 back over the phone. " Parsifal is a 
 new idea in horses. Whenever he 
 meets an automobile he goes to sleep 
 and tries to forget it. Isn't that better 
 than running away and dragging you 
 to a hospital? There must be some- 
 thing about an automobile that affects 
 Parsifal's heart. I think it is the gaso- 
 lene. The odor from the gasolene 
 seems to penetrate his mind to the re- 
 gion of his memory and he forgets to 
 move. Parsifal is a fine horse, with a 
 most lovable disposition, but when the 
 air becomes charged with gasolene he 
 forgets his duty and falls asleep at 
 the switch." 
 
 I went out and explained to my wife 
 that Parsifal was a victim of the gaso- 
 lene habit, and that he would never 
 leave that spot until the Bubble went 
 away, and that the Bubble couldn't go 
 away until the chauffeur could wake
 
 82 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 up, and that the chauffeur couldn't 
 wake up until his mind had digested a 
 lot of wood alcohol, so she jumped out 
 of the buggy and we walked home. 
 
 Parsifal may be a new idea in 
 horses, but the next time I go buggy 
 riding it will be in a street car. 
 
 When we reached home that after- 
 noon I found a note from Bunch 
 which cheered me up wonderfully. 
 
 The note read as follows : 
 
 CITY, Sunday Morning. 
 DEAR JOHN Sorry we had the run 
 in but it was all my fault. Am send- 
 ing you two rosebuds this evening as 
 a peace offering. 
 
 Yours, 
 
 BUNCH. 
 
 " Two rosebuds ! " I snickered. 
 " That boy Bunch is a honey-cooler all 
 right. But I'm sorry he didn't make 
 it two cigars." 
 
 "Oh! John!" Peaches said to me 
 a little while later, when we went over 
 to Uncle Peter's villa to take dinner
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 83 
 
 with them and spend the evening. " I 
 do wish I could tell you about the sur- 
 prise, but Uncle Peter made me prom- 
 ise not to say a single word." 
 
 " Well, if you feel tempted to give 
 the old gentleman the double cross and 
 tell me, why I'll lock myself up in the 
 doghouse till he gives you the starting 
 pistol," I chimed in. " Who is that 
 dragging the works out of the clock 
 in the sitting room ? " 
 
 " It isn't any such thing ! " Peaches 
 exclaimed indignantly. " It's Uncle 
 Peter, and he has a dreadful cold, but 
 Aunt Martha has it nearly cured now, 
 she says." 
 
 I went in and jollied the old chap 
 along a bit, and little by little I heard 
 his awful story. 
 
 He caught the cold about three days 
 previously, but, after taking the pre- 
 scription of every loving friend within 
 a radius of four miles, the cold had al- 
 most disappeared. In place of the 
 cold, however, Uncle Peter now had
 
 84 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 acute indigestion, nervous procrastina- 
 tion, delirium tremens and a spavin on 
 his off fetlock. 
 
 All this was caused by a rush of 
 home-made medicine to his brain. 
 
 Aunt Martha is a great believer in 
 the simple life, so when Uncle Peter 
 acquired a simple cold she got a sim- 
 ple move on and poured enough simple 
 medicines into him to float a simple 
 tug. 
 
 Every friend she had in the world 
 suggested a different remedy, and she 
 tried them all on Uncle Peter. 
 
 The cold got frightened and left on 
 the second day, but a woman has to 
 be loyal to her friends, so Aunt Mar- 
 tha kept on spraying Uncle Peter's 
 system with dandelion tea and fried 
 peppermint until every microbe heard 
 about him and dropped in to pay him 
 a long visit. 
 
 The first thing Aunt Martha wanted 
 to do was to rub Uncle Peter's chest 
 with goose grease.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 85 
 
 " Goose grease is such a noisy com- 
 panion," Uncle Peter remonstrated. 
 
 " Goose grease may be loud, but it 
 is never vulgar," said Aunt Martha, 
 and she went after it. 
 
 In about ten minutes she came back 
 with the painful news that the only 
 thing in the neighborhood which 
 looked like a goose was a quill tooth- 
 pick, and that was ungreasable. 
 
 "But, my dear," Aunt Martha 
 whispered, " I have something just as 
 good. I found this box of axle grease 
 in the barn." 
 
 Uncle Peter shuddered and said 
 nothing. 
 
 " My idea is to rub it on your chest 
 and call it goose grease, because the 
 moral effect will be the same," Aunt 
 Martha told him. 
 
 Then that loving wife rubbed so 
 much axle grease into Uncle Peter 
 that for hours afterwards he thought 
 he had a pair of shafts on him, and
 
 86 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 every time he saw a horse he felt like 
 making fifty revolutions a minute. 
 
 I suppose the axle grease gave him 
 wheels in the noddle and made him 
 buggyhouse. 
 
 Then Aunt Martha said to him, 
 " Now, Peter, we could cure that cold 
 in five minutes if we can get a woolen 
 stocking to tie around your throat." 
 
 After a little while she found out 
 that the only woolen stocking in our 
 village was owned by the night watch- 
 man. 
 
 The night watchman said he liked 
 Uncle Peter well enough, but he'd be 
 switched if he was going to walk 
 around all night with one bare foot 
 even to let the Mayor use his stocking 
 for a necktie. 
 
 Selfish watchman. 
 
 The next morning Uncle Peter's 
 cold was much worse, but the axle 
 grease had cured his appetite. 
 
 About nine o'clock his friend Dave 
 Torrence came in, and after Uncle Pe-
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 87 
 
 ter had barked for him a couple of 
 times Dave decided that the trouble 
 was information of the lungs and he 
 suggested that Uncle Peter should tie 
 a rubber band around his chest and 
 rub his shoulder blades with gasolene. 
 
 Uncle Peter told his friend that he 
 had no desire to become a human 
 automobile, so Dave got mad, kicked 
 the piano on the shins and went home. 
 
 An hour later Deacon Ed. Sprong, 
 the Mayor's next-door neighbor, came 
 in and in ten minutes he had Uncle 
 Peter making signs to an undertaker. 
 
 Deacon Sprong decided that Uncle 
 Peter had the galloping asthma with 
 compressed tonsilitis, and a touch of 
 chillblainous croup on the side, aggra- 
 vated by asparagus on the chest. 
 
 Deacon Sprong told Uncle Peter to 
 drink a pint of catnip tea, take eight 
 grains of quinine, rub the back of his 
 neck with benzine, soak his ankles in 
 kerosene, take two grains of phenac-
 
 88 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 etine, and drink a hot whiskey toddy 
 every half-hour before meals. 
 
 Deacon Sprong volunteered to run 
 over every half-hour and help Uncle 
 Peter drink the toddy if it tasted bit- 
 ter. 
 
 Then Deacon Sprong went home, 
 and Uncle Peter's temperature came 
 down about ten degrees, while his res- 
 piration began to sit up and notice 
 things. 
 
 During the rest of the day every 
 friend and relative Uncle Peter had in 
 the world rushed in, suggested a cou- 
 ple of prescriptions, and then rushed 
 out again. 
 
 Aunt Martha tried them all on Un- 
 cle Peter. 
 
 Before the shades of evening fell 
 that day Uncle Peter was turned into 
 a human medicine chest. 
 
 And to make matters worse, he took 
 some dogberry cordial and it chased 
 the catnip tea all over his interior 
 from Alpha to Omaha.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 89 
 
 Then Aunt Martha gave him some 
 hoarhound candy to bite the dogberry, 
 so it would leave the catnip alone, but 
 blood will tell, and the hoarhound 
 joined with the dogberry and chased 
 the catnip up Uncle Peter's family 
 tree. 
 
 But it cured the cold. Now all Un- 
 cle Peter had to do was to cure the 
 medicine.
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A SETBACK. 
 
 DINNER was nearly over that 
 evening at Uncle Peter's 
 villa in Ruraldene when sud- 
 denly the doorbell rang violently and 
 two minutes later the servant an- 
 nounced that Mr. and Mrs. Cornelius 
 McGowan were in the parlor. 
 
 First I decided to faint; then I 
 changed my mind and tried to figure 
 out which would be the most cruelly 
 effective way of killing Bunch Jeffer- 
 son. 
 
 Uncle Peter resented the unexpected 
 arrival of these strangers, because he 
 wanted to sit around and have the 
 home folks tell him how sick he was. 
 
 " I'd like to know what Bunch Jef- 
 ferson means by sending his relatives
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 91 
 
 over to us on a Sunday evening," my 
 wife's uncle snapped. " Why doesn't 
 he worry old Bill Grey with them, eh ? 
 It's bad enough for me to have to 
 sneeze my head off before my own 
 people, but I'll be dod bimmed if I'm 
 going to sit around the parlor and 
 play solos on my bronchial tubes for 
 the edification of strangers no, sir ! " 
 
 Uncle Peter sniffled off to his apart- 
 ments, and Peaches said she'd try to 
 entertain the visitors. 
 
 I concluded to help her some. 
 
 Skinski arose from the sofa and 
 greeted us with his most elaborate 
 bow. 
 
 Ma'moselle Dodo didn't Society 
 very much. 
 
 She sat in the middle of the room 
 and sang soft lullabys to a hold-over. 
 
 " Mr. Jefferson, my nephew," Skin- 
 ski was saying, " insisted that we 
 should hit the suburban trail and lo- 
 cate your shack. Here's a note from 
 nephew Bunch for you."
 
 92 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 Skinski handed me the note with a 
 face as solemn as a monkey-wrench, 
 and I read it : 
 
 CITY, Sunday P.M. 
 
 DEAR JOHN I send herewith the 
 two rosebuds. As a favor to your old 
 pal please treat my beloved relatives 
 with every consideration and make a 
 fuss over them. You know you told 
 them in the restaurant to come and 
 see you. They want to make good 
 and will stay a week if you insist. 
 With kindest regards, 
 
 BUNCH. 
 
 P. S. Don't drag Aunt Flora into 
 any literary discussions she might 
 hand you something. Her favorite 
 author is Pommery Sec., the chap who 
 writes all those frothy books. 
 
 B. 
 
 " I wish you could have seen our 
 place in the day-time," Peaches was 
 saying to Skinski when I finished 
 reading Bunch's get-back. " We 
 think it's delightful out here. Did you 
 have much trouble in finding the 
 place?"
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 93 
 
 " Nay, lady fair," Skinski replied ; 
 "no trouble at all. Nephew Bunch 
 came as far as the front door with us." 
 
 " What ! " exclaimed the astonished 
 Peaches. 
 
 "Yes," Skinski concluded; "he 
 even saved us the hardship of ringing 
 the bell. Oh ! he's a thoughtful rela- 
 tive, Bunch is." 
 
 Clara J. looked at me, I looked at 
 Skinski, he looked at Dodo, and she 
 looked at the piano and said thought- 
 fully, " You betcher sweet ! " 
 
 " The idea of Bunch coming to our 
 front door and then rushing off again 
 without seeing anybody," gasped 
 Peaches, " what does it mean ? " 
 
 " Alice lives only half a mile away 
 and possibly Bunch was running be- 
 hind his schedule," I suggested. 
 
 Just then Aunt Martha and Uncle 
 Peter came in the parlor, and presently 
 I grabbed a chance to say a few words 
 to Skinski on the side : 
 
 " If my family circle ever gets wise
 
 94 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 that you and the Queen of Laughter 
 over there are excess baggage it'll be 
 to the cabbage patch for mine," I 
 whispered. 
 
 " I'm on," Skinski whispered back. 
 " Never a break from yours mysteri- 
 ously, believe me. We wouldn't have 
 come out at all if your partner hadn't 
 insisted. He was so hot to have us 
 butt in here and hand your heart a 
 flutter that I just couldn't resist his 
 pleading voice. It's a catchy jest, all 
 right, and it's making me laugh. The 
 way you two ducks josh each other is 
 pitiful, but your secret is safe with 
 me, Manager. I won't make no bad 
 breaks, and Dodo won't ever open her 
 talk-trap. She never talks off the 
 stage. On the stage, say ! she has the 
 most elegant line of language that ever 
 left the pipes. Leave it all to me, 
 Manager, and I'll see that the Mc- 
 Gowan family makes an awful hit with 
 your fireside companions." 
 
 And Skinski kept his word.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 95 
 
 He skilfully led Uncle Peter around 
 to a discussion of sleight-of-hand, and 
 two minutes later the Wonder Worker 
 was dragging the coal shovel and the 
 vinegar cruet out of the Mayor's in- 
 side pockets, to the intense mystifica- 
 tion and delight of the old gentleman. 
 
 Uncle Peter was wearing a small 
 diamond pin in his cravat and quite 
 by accident the setting became loose 
 and the stone dropped to the floor. 
 
 The old gentleman became very 
 much concerned about it and we all 
 started to look for it. 
 
 " Wait a minute ! " said Skinski ; 
 " the spark fell in your left-hand vest 
 pocket." 
 
 Uncle Peter looked at him blankly. 
 " Impossible, why, there's nothing 
 there but this box of quinine pills for 
 my cold." 
 
 " Open it," said Skinski, and Uncle 
 Peter did so. 
 
 " How many of those do you usually 
 take in a day ? " asked Skinski.
 
 96 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 " Four," replied the puzzled old 
 gentleman. 
 
 " Drop four of them in your left 
 hand," ordered Skinski. 
 
 Uncle Peter's right hand trembled 
 a bit, with the result that five of the 
 quinines fell into his left hand. 
 
 " If you counted money the way you 
 count pills you'd quit loser," chuckled 
 Skinski. " Put four of those dizzy- 
 wizzys back in the box." 
 
 The old gentleman did so. 
 
 " Now take your penknife and open 
 the pill you didn't put back," com- 
 manded Skinski. 
 
 Uncle Peter obeyed instructions, 
 and he nearly choked with astonish- 
 ment when his diamond came to view. 
 
 It was a neat bit of work and Skin- 
 ski became a solid success with Uncle 
 Peter. 
 
 " Did I understand you to say, Mr. 
 McGowan, that you are a commission 
 merchant in Springfield, Ohio ? " the
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 97 
 
 Mayor asked Skinski when the ap- 
 plause had subsided. 
 
 " I'm a used to was," Skinski cor- 
 rected. " There was a time when I 
 commished for fair, but the bogie 
 man caught me and I lose all I had. 
 Since then I've been trying to sell a 
 gold mine I own out in the Blue 
 Hills." 
 
 I tried to sidetrack Skinski and lead 
 him away from the smoking room, but 
 Uncle Peter insisted upon hearing 
 more about those dreamland gold 
 mines. 
 
 " I've got the documents and every- 
 thing to prove that my claim is all the 
 goods," Skinski rattled on. "All it 
 needs is the capital to work it and it's 
 a bonanza, sure isn't it, Dodey I 
 mean Flo ! " 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " she an- 
 swered, whereupon Peaches and Aunt 
 Martha had a fit of coughing which 
 lasted three minutes. 
 
 Then Uncle Peter coaxed Skinski
 
 98 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 off in a corner and there they hob- 
 nobbed for fifteen minutes while my 
 wife and her aunt and I tried to get 
 cheerful and chatty with " Aunt Flo," 
 but we only succeeded in dragging 
 from her four reluctant " You betcher 
 sweets ! " 
 
 Presently Uncle Peter and Skinski 
 shook hands about something, and five 
 minutes later Bunch's " relatives " 
 took their departure to the accompani- 
 ment of much internal applause on my 
 part. 
 
 " Mr. McGowan is a very accom- 
 plished gentleman," Uncle Peter de- 
 cided ; " but handicapped by a most 
 depressing wife, most depressing. The 
 Blue Hills, eh ! the Blue Hills ! Now, 
 I wonder " 
 
 Then he began to whistle softly and 
 went into the dining-room. 
 
 Monday morning, bright and early, 
 I met Bunch, and we buried the 
 hatchet 
 
 " I hope my beloved relatives didn't
 
 TflE MARVEL OF TttE AGE 
 THE WORLD WONDER 
 
 o, , 
 
 INO 
 
 3IGNOR. 
 
 A pretty hot line of goods, eh ! Page 99
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 99 
 
 disgrace me while sojourning in your 
 midst," he chuckled. 
 
 " Not at all," I answered airily. 
 " Why, Uncle Cornelius was the hit 
 of the season with Uncle Peter, 
 though, of course, Aunt Flora didn't 
 make good with that ' You betcher 
 sweet ! ' monologue of hers. How 
 could she? Even at that, she stands 
 better with me than some conversa- 
 tional queens I know who get so busy 
 with the gab they make me dizzy." 
 
 About noon Bunch and I ducked 
 for New Rochelle to do a bit of ad- 
 vance work for our show. 
 
 Nobody knew us in the town, so we 
 posed as Cameron & Connolly, owners 
 of the Great Hall of Illusions, and 
 Managers of the World Wonder and 
 Magic King, Signer Beppo Petroskin- 
 ski, and Ma'moselle Dodo, the Orien- 
 tal Queen of Mystery. 
 
 Pretty hot line of goods, eh? 
 
 We handed out the salve thing to
 
 100 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 all the paper lads and they were for 
 us good and plenty. 
 
 After our publicity department had 
 been in operation for about four hours 
 we began to see the neighbors sit up 
 and notice us, and we figured on about 
 a $1,000 opening. 
 
 " The show will cost us about $80 
 a day," Bunch financed, with a stran- 
 gle hold on a big green lead pencil. 
 " Let's see ! expenses say $500 a week 
 at the outside. Now, let's strike a low 
 average and say we play to $800 a 
 night; that's $4,800 a week, and two 
 matinees at, say $200, that's $5,000 on 
 the week, eh, John! That gives us a 
 clean profit of $1,500 apiece for the 
 three of us oh, aces ! " 
 
 " It looks good to me, Bunch," I 
 agreed, and then we went out and or- 
 dered some more three-sheets and a 
 flock of snipe. 
 
 We spent the whole day in New 
 Rochelle, and I reached home tired, 
 but enthusiastic.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. IOI 
 
 "John," said Clara J. when we 
 were alone after dinner, " Uncle Peter 
 says if you will let him have that 
 $5,000 by Thursday or Friday he will 
 invest it where the returns will be 
 enormous ! " 
 
 " Sure," I answered, and I could 
 feel my ears getting pale ; " I'll hand 
 it over to him Thursday or Friday if 
 you think it's best not to invest it in 
 that new house." 
 
 "Oh! I really do!" she hurried 
 back. " You know Uncle Peter is so 
 careful and so clever with his invest- 
 ments. He told me in strictest confi- 
 dence only this morning that he would 
 more than double your money in six 
 months. Isn't that perfectly splen- 
 did!" 
 
 " Is that the wonderful secret you 
 threatened me with ? " I asked mourn- 
 fully. 
 
 " Oh no ! " she replied ; " I can't tell 
 you that till Wednesday evening I 
 promised not to."
 
 102 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 I guess I didn't sleep very well that 
 night, for I had dreams of Uncle Peter 
 chasing me with a club all over a thea- 
 tre and making me hop every seat in 
 the orchestra, while Ma'moiselle Dodo 
 sat perched on the balcony rail and 
 screamed, " You betcher sweet ! "
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 JOHN HENRY GETS A SURPRISE. 
 
 THE following day Bunch and 
 I attended to the shipping of 
 all the scenery and props 
 and trick stuff, and we were two busy 
 lads, believe me. 
 
 On Wednesday we tried all day to 
 locate Skinski, but he avoided punish- 
 ment until about four o'clock in the 
 afternoon, when we finally flagged 
 him and began to ask him questions. 
 
 " I've been busy since Monday," he 
 explained ; " brokers and bankers and 
 lawyers, and there are doings. Say! 
 you're two of the dead gamest sports 
 I ever bumped into, and no matter 
 what happens I'm for you for keeps ! " 
 
 " What's the reason for the crab 
 talk ? " I asked sharply. " Are you
 
 104 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 going to give us the sorry hand and 
 bow yourself out after we have put 
 up every mazooboe we possess ? What 
 kind of a sour face are you pulling on 
 us?" 
 
 " Oh ! pinkies ! " he came back. 
 " Did I say anything about quitting 
 you ? Why, I wouldn't give you guys 
 a cold deal not for Morgan's bank roll. 
 I only wanted to prepare you for cer- 
 tain big happenings in case there are 
 real doings with that gold mine out in 
 the Blue Hills." 
 
 " Sush ! " I laughed ; " then it's only 
 the hasheesh. But, Skinski, on the 
 level, I do wish you'd quit smoking 
 those No. 4's; they'll ruin your im- 
 agination." 
 
 " Wait and see," smirked Skinski. 
 "And, by the way, nephew Bunch, I 
 met a certain old party this morning 
 who thinks you are very hot fried 
 parsnips ! " 
 
 " You did," Bunch came back, with 
 a yawn.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. IO$ 
 
 " Yes," replied Skinski ; " and a nice 
 old man, too, is Mr. William Grey.' 
 
 " Where the devil did you meet Mr. 
 Grey ? " Bunch inquired excitedly. 
 
 " Back, back up ! " said Skinski 
 quietly ; " I didn't disgrace my family. 
 Mr. Peter Grant introduced me to 
 him as your Uncle and I made good." 
 
 " You met Uncle Peter, too ! " I 
 asked in alarm. 
 
 " Surest thing you know," said 
 Skinski ; " but, don't worry. The Jef- 
 ferson family tree will never be blown 
 down by any hot air from me, so rest 
 easy. Now, let's get down to cases 
 about our opening Thursday night." 
 
 Bunch and I were both puzzled by 
 Skinski's peculiar line of talk, but we 
 forgot it and completed all the details 
 for the opening the next night. 
 
 It was after eight o'clock when I 
 reached home, and Peaches met me at 
 the door with the face lights on full. 
 
 " Now for the secret ! " she chirped,
 
 106 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 as she dragged me into the dining- 
 room. 
 
 " Make mine a small one," I admon- 
 ished ; " I've had a busy day." 
 
 " This is a cure for all your business 
 worries," she gurgled. " Guess what, 
 John ! We sail for Europe next Wed- 
 nesday ! " 
 
 " Poor Peaches ! " I said sympathet- 
 ically ; " that's what you get for drink- 
 ing too much tea." 
 
 " I mean it seriously, John ! " she 
 cried eagerly. " Uncle Peter has 
 booked passages on the Oceanic for 
 the whole family, and he is going to 
 pay all the expenses for a three 
 months' trip." 
 
 " Water ! water ! " I gasped faintly, 
 and I meant it, but Peaches thought I 
 was only cutting up. 
 
 " I knew you'd be delighted," she ca- 
 pered on ; " and it was all I could do to 
 keep from telling you long ago. Un- 
 cle Peter says that this is the dull sea- 
 son in your brokerage business and
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 107 
 
 the trip will do you a world of good. 
 You need only take a few hundred dol- 
 lars for pocket money, and he's going 
 to invest your $5,000 where it will be 
 immensely productive." 
 
 I could only sit and listen and pass 
 away. 
 
 What would become of Skinski and 
 Bunch and our good money ! 
 
 How could I ever account for the 
 missing funds without leading Peaches 
 down to Wall Street and showing her 
 the tall buildings they had built with 
 my dough. 
 
 And while these dismal thoughts 
 ran through my mind Peaches 
 grabbed that European trip between 
 her pearly teeth and shook the de- 
 lights out of it. 
 
 That night I had an attack of in- 
 somnia, neurasthenia, nervous pros- 
 tration and the nightmare, with cine- 
 matograph pictures on the side. 
 
 All night long Skinski had me on 
 the stage in a wicker basket, while
 
 108 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 Uncle Peter jabbed a sword through 
 me and Dodo sat in the front row on 
 the aisle yelling " You betcher sweet \ " 
 
 Thursday broke clear and cloudless. 
 Just before I left home for the fatal 
 scene Peaches said, " I'm so sorry bus- 
 iness will keep you in the city this 
 evening, John ; but of course I realize 
 you have much to do before we sail 
 on Wednesday. Alice Grey just 
 phoned over that she has a box at a 
 theatre somewhere, I didn't ask her 
 where, but if you're sure you won't 
 be home I'll go with Alice and Aunt 
 Martha." 
 
 " By all means," I answered, and 
 kissing her good-bve I trolleyed to 
 New Rochelle. 
 
 Bunch was there ahead of me and 
 so were Skinski and Ma'moiselle 
 Dodo, all working like beavers. 
 
 "I'm going to take the 11:40 to 
 town," Skinski informed us after all 
 was in readiness for the performance.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 109 
 
 " I have a very important date, haven't 
 I, Dodey?" 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " she puffingly 
 replied. 
 
 " But I'll be back before six o'clock 
 and I'll give 'em the show of my life," 
 Skinski continued. " How's the sale ? " 
 
 " There's a three hundred dollar ad- 
 vance sale," Bunch replied ; " and 
 Pietro in the box office says we're 
 good for a five or six hundred dollar 
 window sale if it's a fine night. You 
 can gamble we've let 'em know we're 
 in town, all right ! " 
 
 " Right ! " chirped Skinski. " You're 
 the best bunch of managers I ever 
 roomed with and nothing's too good 
 for you. I'm for the 1 1 140 thing now, 
 so you better rent a stall in the local 
 hotel and rest up till show time. How 
 about you, Dodey? Are you for 
 hunting a thirst-killing palace and get- 
 ting busy with a dipper of suds ? " 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " the large
 
 110 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 lady replied, and with that she grabbed 
 Skinski's arm and they left us flat. 
 
 Bunch and I loafed around till 
 about an hour before show time, when 
 we put a young chap we had sworn to 
 secrecy on the door, and then we went 
 back on the stage and began to chatter 
 nervously. 
 
 At seven o'clock Dodo came in with 
 one of those sunburst souses, and as 
 she went sailing by to her dressing 
 room she gave us the haughty head 
 and murmured, "You betcher sweet! " 
 
 Seven thirty and no Skinski. 
 
 I was nervous, but I wasn't a 
 marker to Bunch. He had long since 
 graduated from biting his finger nails, 
 and was now engaged in eating the 
 brim of his opera hat. 
 
 Seven forty-five and no Skinski. 
 
 I was afraid to tell Bunch what I 
 was thinking, and Bunch was afraid 
 to think for fear he'd spill something. 
 
 Eight o'clock came and still no 
 Skinski.
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. HI 
 
 It was pitiful. 
 
 I began to see visions of an insulted 
 audience reaching for my collar over 
 the prostrate form of my partner in 
 crime. 
 
 An usher came back at 8:10 and 
 told us the house was full. 
 
 I grinned at him foolishly and 
 Bunch fell over a stage brace and dis- 
 graced himself. 
 
 At 8:15 the orchestra leader came 
 up to see why we didn't ring in and 
 Bunch told him to ring off. 
 
 I told Beethoven, or whatever his 
 name was, to tune up and play every- 
 thing in sight till I gave him the warn- 
 ing. 
 
 At 8:20 Ma'moiselle Dodo waltzed 
 out of her dressing room made up to 
 look like a cream puff. 
 
 "Where's Skinski?" I shrieked. 
 " It's nearly 8 130 and he's keeping 
 that mob waiting. Isn't he going to 
 show up ! "
 
 112 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " she gurgled, 
 and passed on. 
 
 At 8:25 I rushed into Skinski's 
 dressing room, put on a swift make- 
 up, dove into Skinski's fright wig, hid 
 my face behind a false moustache and 
 goatee, and prepared to sell my life 
 dearly. 
 
 " What are you going to do ? " 
 asked Bunch in wild alarm. 
 
 " I'm going out and pull a few 
 mouldy tricks till Skinski gets here," 
 I answered heroically. 
 
 Then I gave the warning to the 
 leader and rang up the curtain. 
 
 I was greeted by a harsh round of 
 applause as I stepped out and I could 
 feel both knees get up and leave my 
 legs. 
 
 I pulled myself together, picked up 
 a pack of cards and began to do things 
 with the deck that no mortal man ever 
 saw before, while Bunch stood in the 
 wings with his teeth chattering so
 
 I was so surprised I dropped 
 the egg. Page 113
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 113 
 
 loud they sounded like a pedestal clog 
 accompaniment. 
 
 Then I picked up an egg where 
 Skinski had placed it on the tabaret 
 and started in to do something myste- 
 rious with it. 
 
 Just as I raised the egg to show it 
 to the audience I got a flash of the 
 stage box on my right, and there, 
 gazing curiously at me, sat Peaches 
 and Alice Grey and Aunt Martha. 
 
 I was so surprised I dropped the 
 egg, and it lay at my feet in the form 
 of an omelet, while the house roared 
 with joy. 
 
 At this moment Skinski bounded on 
 the stage, bowed right and left, and 
 in five words he made it appear that 
 I was only a comedy curtain raiser. 
 
 Say! I never was so glad to see 
 anybody in all my life. 
 
 I backed off the stage, and he pulled 
 something on my exit that got an 
 awful laugh. 
 
 I didn't care. I was so delighted
 
 114 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 that Skinski was there that I nearly 
 hugged Dodo. 
 
 And he gave them their money's 
 worth, all right. He flashed a line of 
 hot illusions that had them groggy in 
 short order. 
 
 When the curtain finally fell Skinski 
 was given an ovation, and when it was 
 all over we backed into his dressing- 
 room and sat looking at each other. 
 
 " That's the last," our star said, 
 after a pause ; " and it was a hot finish 
 all right." 
 
 " What do you mean ? " I gasped. 
 
 " The syndicate has bought my gold 
 mine in the Blue Hills," he answered 
 calmly. 
 
 " And you're going to throw us 
 after making a start like this?" 
 Bunch almost sobbed. 
 
 " Throw nothing ! " Skinski came 
 back. " Didn't I tell you once before 
 that I am for you two guys all the 
 old while didn't I, Dodey? "
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 115 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " she an- 
 swered solemnly. 
 
 "Well, that still goes," Skinski 
 went on. " I've sold out a half inter- 
 est in my Blue Hill gold mine, and 
 I've got the coin to show for it." 
 
 So saying, he dug up a wad that a 
 hound couldn't leap over. 
 
 " Now, I'm going to pay you each 
 $6,000 to cancel my contract," Skinski 
 added, after our eyes had feasted on 
 his roll. 
 
 I looked at Bunch, and Bunch was 
 stepping on his left foot to see if he 
 was awake. 
 
 " No, by Hick ! I'll make it seven 
 thousand each," Skinski chortled. 
 " You two guys put up your last dol- 
 lar on me, and you didn't know 
 whether I was an ace or a polish. I 
 like you both, for you brought me 
 good luck. Tear up the contract and 
 take $7,000 apiece, is it a go ? " 
 
 "Just as you say, Skinski," I an-
 
 Il6 YO.U CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 swered nervously. " Of course, if you 
 want the tour to continue, why " 
 
 " Yes, of course," Bunch chimed in ; 
 "if you want the tour to continue, 
 why " 
 
 "Oh! pinkies!" said Skinski; 
 " what do I want to go hugging one- 
 night stands for when I have a hun- 
 dred thousand booboos in the kick. 
 It's the Parisian boulevards for us, 
 and a canter on the Boy Bologna, eh, 
 Dodey?" 
 
 " You betcher sweet ! " she gurgled 
 thirstily. 
 
 And so it came about that we de- 
 stroyed the contract, pocketed our 
 seven thousand each, and bade Skinski 
 and Dodo an affecting farewell. 
 
 Bunch and I couldn't talk for hours 
 afterwards. 
 
 We were afraid we'd wake our- 
 selves up. 
 
 When I reached home Clara J. 
 started in to tell me what a delightful 
 time she had had at the New Rochelle
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 1IJ 
 
 theatre, and how clever the magician 
 was, and what a funny clown came 
 out first and smashed a real egg on 
 the stage, but I begged off and went 
 to bed. 
 
 I never slept so soundly in all my 
 life. 
 
 Next day I handed the five thou- 
 sand dollars to Uncle Peter, and he 
 complimented me so highly on my 
 ability to save money that I nearly 
 swallowed my palate. 
 
 " I'm going to invest this carefully 
 for you, John," he informed me. 
 " When we return from Europe you'll 
 be surprised." 
 
 I don't know what powers of per- 
 suasion Bunch brought to bear on 
 Alice and Uncle William, but I do 
 know that there was a hurried wed- 
 ding ceremony, and that a certain 
 blushing bride and bashful groom and 
 a delighted old Uncle who answered 
 roll call when you yelled Bill Grey
 
 Il8 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 
 
 took passage that next Wednesday 
 with us on the Oceanic. 
 
 I was promenading the deck with 
 Peaches and Uncle Peter after we had 
 been out two days when the old gen- 
 tleman said, " John, aren't you curious 
 to know how I invested your money ? " 
 
 " Not particularly," I answered 
 with a laugh. 
 
 " John knows it is perfectly safe in 
 your hands," Peaches beamed. 
 
 "Well, I'll tell you," said Uncle 
 Peter. " Bill Grey and myself cele- 
 brated the finish of our long quarrel 
 by going into a little business deal to- 
 gether." 
 
 " Fine ! " I said approvingly. 
 
 " We buried the hatchet," Uncle Pe- 
 ter went on, " by investing together in 
 a gold mine." 
 
 " Where ? " I asked nervously. 
 
 " We formed a little syndicate and 
 bought a half -interest in a mine owned 
 by Bunch's Uncle McGowan, out in 
 the Blue Hills!"
 
 YOU CAN SEARCH ME. 1 19 
 
 "And is that where you invested 
 my few plunks ? " I asked, forcing my- 
 self to be calm. 
 
 " That's it," chuckled Uncle Peter, 
 "and that's where Bill Grey has in- 
 vested $5,000 for Bunch." 
 
 I excused myself and said I didn't 
 feel like promenading the undertow 
 made me dizzy. 
 
 I went off by my lonesome and 
 looked across the troubled sea. 
 
 It seemed to me that I could hear a 
 voice coming from far away behind 
 that biggest wave, and the voice said, 
 " You betcher sweet ! "
 
 HUGH McHUGH'S 
 
 EIGHT FAMOUS BOOKS 
 
 Over 525,000 Copies Sold 
 
 "YOU CAN SEARCH ME" 
 
 FIJtUT EDITION 25,OOO COPIES SOLD 
 
 " I'M FR.OM MISSOURI " 
 
 35,OOO COPIES SOLD 
 
 "I NEED THE MONEY" 
 
 45,000 COPIES SOLD 
 
 "OUT FOR THE COIN" 
 
 50,000 COPIES SOLD 
 
 "BACK TO THE WOODS" 
 
 6o,OOO COPIES SOLD 
 
 "IT'S UP TO YOU" 
 
 80,OOO COPIES BOLD 
 
 "DOWN THE LINE WITH 
 JOHN HENRY" 
 
 80,OOO COPIES SOLD 
 
 "JOHN HENRY" 
 
 150,000 COPIES SOLD 
 
 The Eight Books are Illustrated. Cloth bound 
 Gilt Top, 75 Cents Each 
 
 For salt by all Booksellers or sent by mall 
 POSTAGE FREE, on receipt of price by 
 
 Q.W. DILLINQHAM CO., Publishers 
 119-121 West a3d St., New York 
 
 i
 
 "I'm from Missouri" fully 
 kept up the reputation of 
 the John Henry books. 
 From the day it was pub- 
 lished, for six months fol- 
 lowing, there was no let- 
 up in the popular demand 
 for it. 
 
 CONTENTS OF 
 "I'M FROM MISSOURI." 
 
 JOHN HENRY MAKES A CHOICE. 
 JOHN HENRY MAKES A STATEMENT. 
 JOHN HENRY MAKES A SPEECH. 
 JOHN HENRY MAKES A COMPACT. 
 JOHN HENRY MAKES A NOTE. 
 JOHN HENRY MAKES A HOLIDAY. 
 JOHN HENRY MAKES A MAYOR, 
 ii
 
 "John Henry in the role of campaign 
 manager as he appears in ' I'm from Mis- 
 souri/ is the same breezy, unconventional, 
 amusing personage we have known in years 
 past. He always keeps abreast of the times, 
 in the very van, in truth. His language is 
 up to date, he gathers no moss, he is al- 
 ways doing and saying the unexpected, and 
 somehow he always manages to win out. 
 The book is full of fun and cannot fail to 
 make many new friends for the inimitable 
 John Henry and his wife, Clara J., or 
 Peaches." Newark Evening News. 
 
 " A quantity of choice and original slang 
 is poured forth in a bewildering stream in 
 this, the seventh, volume of 'John Henry,' 
 whose author bids fair to rival she of the 
 ' Elsie ' books in his penchant for clinging 
 to one character. The description of the 
 hero's trials with the various cooks and the 
 burlesque directions for running an auto- 
 mobile are mildly amusing. Here is a sam- 
 ple: 'I gave him his final instructions. 
 Now, Uncle Peter, I said, grab that wheel 
 in front of you firmly with both hands and 
 put one foot on the accelerator. Now, put 
 the other foot on the rheostat and let the 
 left elbow gently rest on the deodizer. Keep 
 the rubber tube connecting with the auto-
 
 matic fog-whistle closely between the teeth, 
 and let the right elbow be in touch with 
 the quadruplex, while the apex of the left 
 knee is pressed over the spark-coil and the 
 right ankle works the condenser. Start the 
 driving wheels, repeat slowly the name of 
 your favorite coroner and leave the rest to 
 fate ! ' " The Designer. 
 
 "'I'm from Missouri' presents John 
 Henry as campaign manager for ' Uncle 
 Pete,' who is running for mayor against 
 'Uncle William,' backed by 'Bunch.' The 
 reappearance of these well-known char- 
 acters brings joy to the hearts of the 
 laughter-loving public, and as a political 
 satirist the author wins out once more. 
 Most funny men lose their originality, but 
 Hugh McHugh is ever ready with some- 
 thing new. He is slangy and thoroughly 
 up-to-date, but never coarse." Bookseller, 
 Newsdealer and Stationer. 
 
 "Those who enjoy the John Henry books 
 may count upon a most enjoyable evening 
 when reading No. 7 of the series, just out. 
 As a story this is the best of the seven, and 
 in quaint conceptions and expressions it is 
 fully as clever as any of its six predeces- 
 sors." Four-Track News. 9 
 iv
 
 "I NEED THE MONEY" was a big 
 winner from the jump. The interest taken 
 in the Series of "John Henry" books by the 
 general public is really remarkable. 
 
 CONTENTS OF 
 I NEED THE MONEY." 
 
 JOHN HENRY'S PAL. 
 JOHN HENRY'S PLAN. 
 JOHN HENRY'S PICNIC. 
 JOHN HENRY'S PLUNGE. 
 JOHN HENRY'S PIPE. 
 JOHN HENRY'S PILGRIMS. 
 JOHN HENRY'S PIE.
 
 What the Critics Say. 
 
 The author of " I Need the Money," the new 
 "John Henry" book, who is George V. Hobart, 
 a former Baltimore newspaper man, is, beyond 
 doubt, one of the most popular of modern slang 
 humorists; more so, probably, than Ade, and 
 with his " Dinkelspiel" stuff almost as much as 
 Dunne. Brooklyn Eagle, 
 
 George V. Hobart, the New York journalist, 
 is a versatile humorist. As ' 'Dinkelspiel" he is an 
 irresistibly funny German, full of philosophy but 
 hopelessly tangled in his rhetoric. As the author 
 " John Henry " and other humorous productions 
 he has been an acute man of the street and of 
 the rapid avenues of life with all the up-to- 
 dateness of slang that is one of the chief con- 
 comitants of such worldly wisdom. Mr. Hobart 
 therefore has strings enough to his bow to 
 warrant the prediction that he will wear much 
 longer than the average funny man has lasted 
 under the strain of humor to order. The G. W. 
 Dillingham Company has just issued a volume of 
 " Eppy Grams by Dinkelspiel" that is full of 
 laugh from cover to cover, and another "John 
 Henry " book, entitled " I Need the Money," in 
 which readers can find delight in Mr. Hobart's 
 humor in the other vein. The pages of the 
 " Dinkelspiel " book are brightened with borders 
 of red, and the other book is illustrated. 
 
 Milwaukee Wisconsin. 
 3
 
 " I Need the Money," the sixth of the " Hugh 
 McHugh" books, is capital, like its fellows. 
 The laugh lies beneath the bewildering fantastics 
 of slang. It cannot be analyzed, for really there 
 is nothing tangible to account for the laugh save 
 the surprise of the delightful argot. For 
 example, some people may not think it funny to 
 read of six-story flats with 10x12 rooms as 
 "people-coops." Others with livelier imagina- 
 tions will hold their sides over this. 
 
 San Francisco Call. 
 
 The latest of the "John Henry" books has 
 the title, " I Need the Money," which seems to 
 be attractive enough for a much larger book. 
 These little volumes, of which two appear every 
 year, have had a circulation such as to make the 
 mouths of the standard novelists water. They 
 are to be found in all parts of the country, and 
 the author's large profits are justified, because he 
 has given the people something they want, 
 something they can appreciate, and particularly 
 something they can enjoy. In the preface he 
 announces a sale of over 400,000 of the first five 
 volumes, and there is no reason why the sixth 
 should not make a record. It is one of " Hugh 
 McHugh's" agreeable tales, told with much 
 dash and appropriately illustrated with a lot of 
 character heads. The sort of book to pick up 
 and enjoy at any time. Philadelphia Inquirer, 
 
 4
 
 No matter how bad " John Henry's " predica- 
 ment may be, he has the happy faculty of seeing 
 a bright, which means a humorous, side. Cer- 
 tainly he gets into difficulties in " Hugh 
 McHugh's" latest book about him, "I Need 
 the Money," but in no volume of the series is 
 " John Henry " more persistently and amusingly 
 jolly. Newark News. 
 
 George V. Hobart, alias " Dinkelspiel," has, 
 in the "John Henry" books, given us some of 
 the best and most spontaneous humor of the 
 age. Four-Track News.
 
 JOHN HENRY, Hugh McHugh'fe 
 first book, reached the 25,000 
 mark two weeks after it was 
 published. It's popularity since 
 then has been unprecedented. 
 
 " John Henry's philosophy is of the most 
 approved up-to-date brand. He is by all 
 odds a young man of the period; he is a 
 man about town. He is a slang artist; a 
 painter of recherche phrases; a maker of 
 tart Americanisms. 
 
 In this book it is "little, but oh my!" 
 John Henry recounts some of his adven- 
 tures about town, and he interlards his des- 
 criptive passages with impressive comments 
 on the men, women, institutions, and places, 
 brought within his observant notice. We 
 need not say that his comments are highly- 
 colored; nor that his descriptions are r 
 markable for expressiveness and colloquial 
 piquancy. Mr. Henry is a sort of refined 
 and sublimated type of "Chimmie Fadden," 
 though there is by no means anything of the 
 gamin about him. He doesn't speak in rich 
 coster dialect such as is used by Mr. Town- 
 send's famous character, nor is he a mem- 
 
 I
 
 ber of the same social set as the popular 
 hero of the New York slums. Mr. Henry 
 moves on a higher plane, he uses good 
 English mostly in tart superlatives and 
 his associates are of a high social scale. 
 
 Mr. Henry's adventures as he describes 
 them here will make you wonder and make 
 you laugh. 
 
 His book abounds in bon-mots of slang; 
 of the kind you hear in the theatres when 
 the end-men, comedians and monologuists 
 are at their wittiest and best, when they 
 revel in mad and merry extravagances of 
 speech and experience. 
 
 It is an art to use street-talk with force 
 and terseness, and although it isn't the most 
 elegant phase of the Queen's English it 
 nevertheless impresses to the Queen's taste. 
 Hugh McHugh has this art." Philadelphia 
 Item. 
 
 " John Henry " is only one of the numer- 
 ous young men who are treating the public 
 to the latest slang through the medium of 
 print nowadays, but he, unlike most of the 
 others, is original in his phrases, has the 
 strong support of the unexpected in his hu- 
 mor and causes many a good laugh. For 
 one thing, he merely tries to make fun, 
 wisely avoiding the dangers of tediousness 
 ii
 
 In endeavoring to utter immature wisdom in 
 the language of the brainless. 
 
 " The author, Huph McHugh, is thought 
 to be Mr. George V. Hobart. Certain it is 
 that the writer is a Baltimorean, past or 
 present; the local references evidence that. 
 In some places the expressions have the 
 Hobart ring to them. But if Mr. Hobart 
 did write the stories, he has done his best 
 work of the kind yet." Baltimore Herald. 
 
 "The humor is of the spontaneous sort 
 that runs close to truth, and it affords many 
 a hearty laugh." Cleveland World. 
 
 " As a study in slang it surpasses any- 
 thing since the days of ' Artie.'" The 
 Rocky Mountain News. 
 
 " Written in the choicest slang." Detroit 
 Free Press. 
 
 "John Henry." A regular side-splitter, 
 and as good as " Billy Baxter." New York 
 Press. 
 
 " It is as good as any of the books of its 
 kind, better than most of them, and is 
 funny without being coarse." Portage 
 Register. 
 
 iii
 
 UCSB LIBRARY
 
 A 000 606 473