MERCIFUL Unto Me-A Sinner ELINORDAW50N Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner. flDercfful TUnto flfte, a Sinner BY Elinor H)awson "The greatest attribute of heaven is mercy. 1905 CHICAGO THOMPSON & THOMAS r COPYRIGHT, 1905 BY THOMPSON & THOMAS All rights reserved PREFACE. Man has always been granted the privilege of telling his own story no matter how shocking it may be to the refined senses. He has boldly set out with the implied assertion that if you did not want to be startled you could exercise your own right of turning from him and leaving him un- read. In all of the actual experiences of life there rests a moral. To those who hold a contrary opinion I say most frankly, go no further into this record. Young women who have tried to imagine how it would seem to live in a state of lost modesty have given their views of things of which they were happily ignorant, and we have praised them for their boldness and have invited them to tea. Their guesses were entertaining. This book is not composed of shrewd surmises. It is literal rather than literary; and it may be the guilty instead of the guiltless that shall cast the first stone at me. Let the indulgent reader pursue this record to the end. I have the right to deal openly and in most per- fect frankness with myself, but I have no right to compromise others. So, therefore, I may be com- pelled occasionally to employ disguises where other persons are concerned. But some of the names are actual and await verification if any one should choose to take that trouble. 21350S3 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner. CHAPTER I. THE FIRST LIGHT. The first light that I ever beheld came through a window in a farm house in West Virginia, out among the hills not far from Wheeling. In re- membrance if not in honor of an aunt I was named Elinor. The first of my recollection was the act of sitting in my father's lap by the fire. My mother, a weak little woman, was trying to take me from him, it seemed, for he was unsteady in his chair and threatened to fall with me. With- out further ado I may say that my father was a drunkard. It may have been a long time after this, but it doesn't seem more than a day, when I was taken out among a large number of peo- ple, into a house, where a very tall man got up and talked a long time, and then some more men took up a long black burden and bore it away. Then I heard mourning amid the strains of a sad song. They were burying my father. After this I went back into darkness and remained a hun- 9 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner dred years, it seemed, and when again I emerged into the light it was when my mother had put a new frock on me and was admiring my beauty. It gave me a strange feeling of delight, and I looked at myself in the glass when she held me up ; and in my play that day I was careful not to soil my clothes for fear that I might lose some of my attractiveness. And now as the days passed I lived not to play with other girls, but to be beautiful, reaping my enjoyment in hearing peo- ple refer to me as " such a pretty child." I had not inherited a pleasant temper, and was inclined to be cross, but when my mother told me that to make faces would spoil my beauty, I was ready to suffer in order to smile, though I might be boiling with anger. I remember a pair of drop- stitch stockings that mother bought for me, white and silken. And when the peddler who sold them was gone I put them on and sat nearly all day in the house, afraid that I might soil them if I should venture out. At a village called West Liberty there was a boarding school, and here my education was be- gun. I rode a pony that was the envy of all the little girls and I was proud and happy. My hair 10 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner and eyes were so black that they nicknamed me Gypsy. At first I was resentful, but when I un- derstood that it must mean something full of a wild sort of beauty, I was pleased. So was my mother, and it was by that name that she ever afterward addressed me. I remember that one Sunday a man whom I had seen a number of times walked home from church with mother and me. As he was helping me over the stile, where we crossed the meadow, he wanted to take me into his arms, and I objected, not because I did not like him, but for fear that he would rumple my dress; and I told him as I drew back that I was almost thirteen and that he must treat me as a young lady. Hereupon my mother scowled at me and said that I was not so old as that. She said that I wasn't more than eleven, and I thought it strange until it dawned upon me that she want- ed the man to think her younger than she was. After this I noticed that she took more care of herself, although she was always fond of finery and perfumery. One day when I came home from school I saw mother and the man walking in the garden, and when they thought that no one was looking they became very " loving," walking II Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner hand in hand. When he kissed her I laughed, and he turned about and saw me. But he wasn't frightened, and neither was my mother. She called me to her and kissed me ever so many times, and told me that the man was going to be my father. I didn't see how this could be, but as they seemed to know more about it than I did, I did not dispute with them. The man kept a store several miles away, and as I had seen some bright pieces of cloth in his place I thought it would be fortunate to have him for a father. Well, they were married, and he was a father sure enough never was cross with me, but al- ways told me how pretty I was ; and he brought me many things to wear. My Aunt Elinor had married an insurance man. They lived in Chicago. He died and then Aunt kept a boarding house. Many a time she wrote to me and begged me to visit her, but I couldn't very well. There was always money enough to buy finery for me, but never enough to send me away. But when I had been graduated from the school I urged mother to let me go to Chicago. She then intimated that some day I might go on a bridal tour, and this made me 12 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner laugh, for I had often told her that there was no young man in the neighborhood that I liked well enough to marry. Then she spoke of a man named Pague, a man who had something to do with coal mines and who was at least ten years older than my step-father. " But you don't surely mean that you would like for me to marry him," I said. " Why, he is nearly old enough to be my grandfather." " Age is nothing and sentiment is everything," she replied. " He has told me that he loves you devotedly, and he is a truthful man. Haven't I brought you up with the greatest care ? Haven't I done all that I could to make you beautiful? And what is beauty worth what object could it be if you are going to throw it away on a poor man? You marry Mr. Pague and he will take you to the World's Fair." " But I don't like him. He chews tobacco and isn't neat, and he looks so old and wrinkled. When I marry, the man must be handsome." She flew into a passion. When my step-father came home she told him that I didn't have any sense. He looked at her a moment and said: " Well, I guess she is pretty much as you have 13 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner made her, except that she has gone a little further than you intended. She sets a higher price on her beauty than you expected. But as for old Pague, I want to tell you, madam, that he's an old fool and as close as the bark on a tree." In her anger she flew at him and declared that he was a brute and had poisoned my mind. She shut herself up and vowed that she would starve rather than to eat at the table with either one of us. But he was good-tempered and smiled over it all, and I felt sorry for him. He was a man of more than ordinary intelligence, had been edu- cated for a doctor, but never having been able to make a living at the practice, had taken to a commercial life. But even in this he was not a success, for he made an assignment not long after his quarrel with mother, or rather her quar- rel with him. Then he tried to run the farm, and he worked hard, but didn't know how to manage. One day old Pague called and asked to see me, and rather than to have another scene with mother I went into the parlor where he sat, twirling his skinny thumbs. It would have seemed that to me it were a matter of indifference whether or not I appeared well before him, but 14 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner I couldn't resist the temptation to give myself a few touches before the glass. When I entered the room he looked up with a yellow light in his old eyes, and told me that he had brought me a present. Then he began to unwrap something rolled in a red handkerchief, and after a while he discovered an old silver watch almost as large as a saucer. He said that it had been the property of his grandfather and that I was the only one on earth that was entitled to it. I asked him why it was that such an honor belonged to me, and he smirked and smiled and said that it was because he was in love with me and wanted me to be his wife. I was bold enough to tell him that it was not generosity that prompted him to give so valu- able a piece of property to one whom he was going to marry, for in that event he could get it back again ; and he laughed like the cackle of an old hen, and said that I was not only beautiful, but witty. I heard my mother clearing her throat in the hall-way, and I knew that she meant this as a threat that it would not be well for me unless I brought matters to a satisfactory conclusion. " Gypsy," he said, " I am worth more than a hundred thousand dollars," and at this my mother 15 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner was seized with so distressful a dryness of the throat that I thought she must surely need help ; so I went out to her, but with violent gestures she drove me back. Old Pague repeated the as- sertion that he was worth one hundred thousand dollars, and waited for me to announce my sur- prise, but I said nothing. " That much money will always keep you from want," he said. " Yes, if I had it," said I. " Be my wife and you shall have it." I wanted the money. I was mean enough to Say to myself that he could not live a great while longer and that then I could travel and finally marry to please myself. I had been called warm and passionate. But now I was cold and calcu- lating. And I was just about to ask him if he would settle that amount on me when my step- father called me. He was not in the hall-way, but in the yard close to the house. I went out to him. " No matter what that old wretch swears to, don't believe it," he said. " There is a trick in everything he does. He can outwit the shrewdest lawyer in the county." My mother came walking out toward us. She was fuming with wrath and struggling to subdue 16 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner her voice so as not to be overheard by old Pague, she said : " Samuel, you have nothing to do with this affair. This is my daughter and she shall do as I please." " Why not let her do in this matter as she pleases ? " he replied. ' That, sir, is not to be considered. She is my daughter." " But is she old enough to marry ? Remember that she wasn't but a little more than eleven when you and I were married." " It makes no difference what she was then, she is past seventeen now. Gypsy, go into the house and tell Mr. Pague to settle that one hun- dred thousand on you." My step-father put forth his hand as if he would detain me. " Samuel," said my mother, " if you try to keep her back, that ends it between you and me. You may take the nothing that you brought with you and go whenever you feel dis- posed to counsel my daughter to disobey me." My step-father turned about and walked off and I went back into the house. Old Pague was twirling his thumbs. " Are you quite sure that 17 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner you will settle that amount of money on me? " I asked. " Just as sure as I live." " Without any trickery? " I inquired. He laughed and said that where any one loved as deeply as he did there could be no trickery. " Before the ceremony is performed I will sign over to you property to the amount of one hun- dred thousand dollars," said he ; and I heard the creaking of mother's shoes and I knew that she was in the hall-way, listening. " Will you give me a few days to think over it ? " I asked, and he nodded his frosted head and replied : " Yes, until a week from to-day next Wednesday." He arose and wished to seal the understanding with a kiss, but I drew back from him, and in my heart there arose a rebellion, a revulsion such as I had never felt before. We are all of us born with the instinct of love's passion. In the imag- ined kiss the lips are ever warm. But here was snow, and I shuddered. " How can you wish to marry me when you know that it is for the money that I agree, if I ever do agree ? " I said ; and he 18 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner replied : ' You will learn to love me when you find how warm my heart is." An old brain may be wise, but an old heart is the home of silliness. He took his leave of me, and when he was clear of the house mother took me into her arms and kissed me and called me a good girl. There is one human being that can be weaker than an old man a vain mother. CHAPTER II. EVERYTHING ARRANGED. The life which is to come begins with the life which was. I enter into details not as an ex- cuse of the folly which is to come, but to show, as no doubt it often has been shown, that the cradle hand must have been weak or strong. I believe in heredity, but heredity is in the hands of train- ing and is subservient. Some of the children of error, left upon doorsteps, have turned out to be the strongest of men and women. This life is shaped by a mother's weakness or a mother's strength. By mother I mean the one who may not have given us life in the beginning, but the one whose character forms ours. My mother was a weak woman. She was cursed with beauty. To her a dimple was of more value than an idea. There was no idea except the idea of looks. I remember that long after her second marriage she wore shoes that were too small for her. Her desire was to please the eye to make it envious, 20 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner and in this lay her happiness. Her mind shaped my own. But I could not agree to marry old Pague. On the following Wednesday night he came to our house. It was in early March and sleet was driv- ing sharp against the window panes. All day I had been expecting him, and all day I had been wavering. Along about five o'clock in the even- ing a negro boy came with a note from him, tell- ing me that he had been detained by business, but that he would surely come before eight o'clock. Mother had been anxious and her spirits had drooped. Samuel had remained in his gar- ret room engaged in some sort of carpenter work. I could hear him shoving his plane, and I fancied that I heard the shavings slowly falling on the floor. When the note came from Pague mother was greatly relieved. She insisted upon dressing my hair, and I sat before the fire while she ten- derly plied the brush and comb. I looked up into her face and saw that she was happy. I had led her to believe that I would accept the old mummy. " Mother," I said, " I was thinking if you wouldn't be just as happy if you knew that for one hundred thousand dollars I was to be buried Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner away over yonder in that old field where my father sleeps." She put her cheek against mine. How little of strength, how wanting in character affection may be ! How brightly may shine a selfish love. " Gypsy, how can you talk that way when I love you so? " she said. " You know that your happi- ness is the aim of my life. How can you talk that way?" " But you aren't consulting my happiness. I would like to love the man I marry." " Bah," she said, letting the brush fall on the floor. She stooped to get it and I waited for her to say more, not that I expected it to be of inter- est, but I waited from habit. " Love on the part of a man is a matter of a few months," she said ; and I heard Samuel slowly shoving his plane. " A man is an animal," she went on, " and he loves just as an animal does." " But doesn't a woman love that way, too?" I inquired, glancing up into her face. " Some women, perhaps," she said. " Mother, what is virtue on the part of a woman ? " " Now, Gypsy, don't be foolish." 22 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " But I want to know." "Well, don't you know?" " How should I know? Who has ever taught me ? If beauty is everything, why then to satisfy the demands of beauty is virtue, isn't it ? " " You don't know what you're talking about." " But mother, I want to know what I'm talking about. What is virtue ? " " It is marrying some one and behaving your- self." " How behaving? Staying at home while your husband is away drunk ? " " Now, Gypsy, who said anything about drunk?" " But my father was a drunkard. And were you virtuous ? " She dropped both the brush and the comb. She did not stoop to recover them, and I took them off the floor and handed them to her. She thought me silly, but I was striving to be wise. After a time she spoke again. " No one can say anything against my char- acter," she said. " But what do you understand as character ? It surely isn't marrying an old man for his money. 23 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner You say that a man loves like an animal. Per- haps I do, too. We don't love with our minds, but with our hearts our bodies. And if we love one, in that way, it must be virtue. If I give myself to a man whom I do not love, that cannot be virtue not as virtuous as the animals." " I see that Samuel has been talking to you and you have been reading those good-for-noth- ing books. Such trash is the ruination of a girl's mind." . " But the books I have been reading were writ- ten by women." " Ugly women," said mother. She leaned over me and laughed. Ah, what a contempt she had for plainness. How she sighed over her misfor- tunes which were that she had married poor men both times. She condemned me for reading books written by ugly women. She found her greatest 'pleasure in looking at the fashion plates of the worn magazines that lay about the house. " He will soon be here," she said as she finished her work and stood off to admire me. " Ah, think what a great thing it will be to have one hundred thousand dollars and to travel; and after a while" 24 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " When he is dead," I put in. " Yes, when he is dead," she said without the slightest embarrassment, " you and I will go abroad and see some of the grand things of this earth. I wonder if that clock is right. Nearly eight. He ought to be here soon. Hush, I think I hear his horse." It was his horse. Mother opened the door and stood there, holding the lamp. Mr. Pague came in, stamping his feet. He smiled upon me, as he and I followed mother, who walked on into the parlor, carrying the light. In the parlor the fire had begun to burn well, and the room was cheer- ful, with the sleet still cutting at the windows. Mother lighted the hanging lamp and went out, carrying the hand lamp with her ; and I " heard " her standing in the hall-way; she did not seem to move or to make any noise, but I heard her in her silence, and I knew that she was waiting for the words of encouragement. Pague warmed himself before the fire, turning his great feet this way and that ; he rubbed his hands and declared that it was a bad night on dumb cattle. I could hear mother in her silence, standing in the hall. 25 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner She had put out her lamp, or had taken it into the sitting room and returned. " Well," said Pague, and then I heard mother's shoes creak. She was moving closer to the door. I waited, but after saying " well " Pague was silent, looking at me as if he expected me to fin- ish the sentence for him. " I have thought over your proposition," said I. He thanked me and warmed his hands by the fire. " And what have you decided ? " " That I will marry you." " I thank you. Oh, you are sensible as well as beautiful. How soon ? " " As soon as you feel disposed to settle the property on me." " That can be done at once," he said, smiling. " Would you like to live in Wheeling? " I told him that I should prefer to live there un- less he might desire some larger city. He said that it did not make so much difference where he lived, so long as he lived with me. " Silence " ceased to come in from the hall-way and I knew that mother had gone happy to her room. He talked a long time and I thought that he never would go. He told me about his business affairs, 26 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner and though he intended that I should think him broad, yet I could not help but see him narrow and mean. When at last he arose to go he said that if I did not feel disposed to enter into the business arrangements, that part of our " love af- fair " could be transacted by my mother. I knew well that she would see to it and in this arrange- ment I felt perfectly safe. Again he wanted to kiss me, but I simply could not let him touch my lips with his corn husks, and I drew away from him, but he came near as I was bidding him good night at the door and put his arm about me, and I shuddered. But I was determined to keep my part of the contract. Mother had been waiting for him to go, and when he was gone, she flew to me and wept over me. I heard Samuel coming down the stairs. He came into the sitting room and sat down, looking tired ; and after a time he asked me if everything had been settled. I looked toward mother and Samuel nodded his head, knowing that the contract was as good as signed. " When is it to be ? " he inquired, and I looked at mother. " What is the use of putting it off? " she said. " None that I can see," said Samuel. " When 27 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner we have decided to commit suicide, why, the soon- er the better." " Fortunately, you have nothing to do with these arrangements," said mother; and after he had sat for a time in silence, he said to mother: " And you are going to live with her, I suppose." " Live with her ? What do you mean ? " " I mean that you surely don't care to live here alone." " Still I don't understand you." " I mean that as soon as she marries that old fool I'll leave this house, never to return." She looked at him with no love in her eyes and he sat there in silence, waiting for me to say something, I supposed. But now I saw myself by so wretched a light that I didn't know what to say. I didn't say anything. I went to my room, leaving them to sit there and stare at each other. But when I came down the next morning they both seemed to be in good humor. That day mother went with Pague to the court house and when she returned she said that everything had been arranged. 28 CHAPTER III. CONGRATULATED HER. Among my girl friends was Olive Peyton. We were nearly of the same age, and at school we had been classmates. In style we were directly opposite, and this was perhaps the reason that we were so close in friendship. She was redheaded and blue-eyed, lively and of a sweet disposition. But she, too, had been brought up to believe that all of a woman's charm and especially all of her power in this life centered in her looks. She was just miserable enough at home to be happy in talking about it when she was away. Her mother had been my mother's rival for the " belleship " of the county, and it was too much to expect that they could ever be friends. But there was never any objection raised against the intimacy that ex- isted between Olive and me. And so, when my marriage had been settled upon I hastened over to tell her. The Peytons lived in an old brick house, red amid the green cedars. Before the 29 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner war it had been quite a lordly place, and there were negro cabins in the yard. Peyton was a tobacco buyer and was sometimes away from home, and I wished that he was on this occasion, and such proved to be the case. He had a way of looking at me that I didn't quite understand. But he must have liked me, for I remember that once he said that if his wife should die he would choose me as her successor. He was joking, of course, but he looked at me in a queer way. Olive told me that there had been a scandal in her father's life, and that her mother had never quite forgiven him. You may think that it was a bad state of affairs for so quiet a country neighbor- hood, and perhaps it was. I am simply giving the facts as I remember them writing the one book which they say is the inheritance of every man and especially of every woman. From her window Olive saw me coming and ran out to meet me. She had something to tell me about a young man that was of late coming to see her. The parents objected to him and this sweetened the affair. The young people had es- tablished a postoffice in a hollow tree. They wrote to each other several times a day. Olive had just 30 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner received a letter, and what made it more interest- ing, her mother suspected that she had it. The young man was said to be wild. That was de- licious. He had been drunk in the village, and this gave Olive something to think about and to grieve over in the evening when the bats were flying through the dun air. We kissed each other, and how warm and soft were her lips. I thought of old Pague's corn husks. In her room we had talked over her postoffice, and she had read me her letter before I told her of my ap- proaching marriage. No matter how I turned it about or mused over it I couldn't make it roman- tic, and I found embarrassment in getting down to it. " And now, dear," she said, " what have you got to tell me?" She knew that something was on my mind. I must have shown it. I told her finally, and she hugged me or rather hugged at me, for she knew old Pague and couldn't work up much enthusi- asm. " But are you really going to marry him? " she asked. 31 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner "Why, yes; it has been settled, don't you know?" " I know, dear, but such things are never set- tled until they are ; and then it is too late. Your mother ought to be ashamed of herself." We often talked about our mothers, and as I look back now I can't help feeling that we had a cause, although it must have been wrong. What a difference a real woman would have made in our lives. " Yes, I know she ought," I replied. " She is going to sell you just as our grand- fathers did their negroes." " Yes, just the same." " Except that you give your consent," said Olive. " Yes, to keep from having trouble. But no matter what I do there will be trouble. Father threatens to leave home and never to come back if I marry the old fool." "Gypsy," she said, "why don't you run away? " "Why, what have I to run with, and where have I to run to?" 32 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " But I'd die before I'd marry that old wretch/' she said. " Why, he's disgusting." " Yes, I know that. But he might not live long." She was beautiful and she was heartless in a way. Man was our natural prey. In some vague sort of fashion we had a notion of motherhood. In health and in full blood we knew the meaning of love, even if it were as animals knew it, but honor was lacking. I say it to my shame, but I did not know the real meaning of the word honor. I knew that honesty meant not to steal, but I did not know that to sell myself, even though the sale were attended by a ceremony, was just as much of a fall from virtue as it would have been for bread without the ceremony. If ceremony makes virtue, then God help us. The women whom I knew were not happy with their hus- bands. Was marriage really a failure? If so, one failure was as bad as another, and an old failure might be no worse than one of a younger brand. These thoughts dragged through my mind as I talked to Olive. And yet, so far as either of us knew, we were pure. But real purity does not mean bodily cleanliness only. It means 33 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner cleanliness of mind, nobility of thought; but of this we knew nothing. The guiding hand of vir- tue had not trained our lives. You may think that I am preaching. But wait before pronounc- ing judgment and see if I have not a cause. This book is written for mothers, as well as for girls. Olive was not shocked when I said that the old man might not live long. Between our two souls there could be no disguise. So, why at- tempt it?" " He might not live long, and yet too long," she said. " You remember our classmate." She mentioned the name of a girl whom we both had loved. " She married an old man who was thought to be rich. He died in debt and left her with three children." This set me to thinking. In a way we were innocent, but not wholly ig- norant. " Horrible," I said. " But what am I to do? " " Marry some one of the boys." ' There is not one that is worth picking up out of the road." She knew that this was almost true. The young men as they grew up went away to the West, those who were anything to speak of; and 34 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner besides there was no romance about a fellow who had all his life lived in one place. Olive's young man had come from old Virginia and this alone freed him from the charge of unprogressive dull- ness. But the others were progressively dull. They became duller as the days passed, and to think of marrying one of them was simply out of all sensible question. We heard Olive's mother coming up the stairs and changed the subject. Mrs. Peyton asked after my mother and wondered why she had not been over to see her, and finally she asked me if it were true that Mr. Pague was coming to see me. Then, without further ado, I told her my story and she smiled upon me and said that it was a good match. " He is a very rich man, my dear," she said, " and I am glad that your mother had the good sense to insist. I have been a girl my- self, and I know that girls don't know what's good for them." " But wasn't there such a thing as sentiment when you were a girl ? " I inquired, and she looked surprised. " Sentiment ! Why, of course, and there's sentiment now. Didn't you just tell 35 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner me that you were going to be married? And what is that but sentiment ? " " But is it sentiment if I don't love him? " " Love him ! " And now she was more aston- ished than before. " How could it be possible that you should not love him when he is to settle a hundred thousand dollars on you? Now look around this neighborhood at the different women and you will find that all of them married for what they thought was love. And what did it amount to? Nothing worry and hard work. The sort of love that you are thinking about is a disease. Let it alone and it cures itself, but at- tempt to cure it with marriage, and misery is al- most certain to follow. I don't believe there ever was a girl who refused to marry a rich man that didn't at some time regret it. The love that the poor man gives does not compensate. And your love for him means slavery. Why is it that all of the women who married for old fashioned love want their daughters to marry rich ; where is the father that wants his son to marry a poor girl? He actually questions the respectability of the poor girl. If it were Olive I would see that she married him, I can tell you that." 36 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Well, I just wouldn't," Olive spoke up. Mrs. Peyton turned to me and said: " Don't let what she says have any weight with you. You marry Mr. Pague and amount to something." There seemed to be no way out of it, and I went home in a depressed state of mind. My mother asked me what Mrs. Peyton had said, and when I had told her she remarked : " She's got more sense than I thought she had." On the following Sunday Pague came to our house and it seemed that he would never go away again. He talked about coal mines and labor troubles and hard times, but would occasionally brighten up with the remark that I should never want for anything. This led me to believe that he was not sure of his fortune, and when he was gone I spoke to mother about it, but she laughed in a cunning way and said that she was sure of his wealth. The days passed and they were making my wedding clothes. The girls of the neighborhood made no secret of their sympathy for me, but the married women were always ready with their congratulations. One day while mother was busy with a dressmaker, Samuel found an opportunity 37 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner to talk to me. She kept a close watch on him, never permitting us to be alone ; but on this occa- sion she was taken off her guard. The weather had turned warm and we were out in the yard. " And you are really going to marry him, Gypsy? " he said. " I don't see any way out of it," I replied. " But there is a way out of it. When your clothes are done, take them and steal away to your aunt in Chicago." His words sent a thrill through me. " You would be simply taking what belongs to you," he said. " You have your aunt's address. You want to visit the Fair, and you can remain in Chicago during the entire time. Your mother is insane on the subject of money. She would have you believe that all other women are the same way, but it is not true. There are millions of women who would not sell themselves to save their lives. I will give you enough to pay your fare to Chi- cago." I think that it might have been easy enough to dismiss his words had not Pague come to see me that night. His very presence was an out- rage upon my modesty. He tried to be senti- 38 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner mental and was silly. It was said that his wife had worked herself to death, and I asked him about her; and he said that she was an ignorant though a good woman and had never been a companion to him. I wondered why he spoke of her ignorance, since his own mind had been so dwarfed; but I have since then noticed that if a man has saved his money, when even in doing so he may have denied himself the necessities of life, he thinks that it was an intelligence or some superiority of mind that did it. Pague wanted me to go to church with him that night, and as my mother insisted, I went. The minister preached on love; said that God was love, and after the sermon congratulated me on my ap- proaching marriage. Everybody knew of it, and I blushed until it seemed that I had no more mod- esty left to burn up. The church was not far from our house and we walked, mother behind us, happy, too, I felt, for occasionally she would break forth into song. Ah, some hearts can sing over a coffin if there were gold in it. She left us standing at the gate hurried into the house as if to give Pague an opportunity to kiss me; and he tried to, but I was not yet quite ready to 39 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner surrender all sense of shame. But I suffered him to put his arm about me, and he pressed me up close to him, and it was the disgust of this mo- ment that determined me to act upon the advice given by Samuel. But how was I to get my trunk away from the house ? It was easy enough to go into Wheeling, on a pretense of wanting to buy something, but that was a settlement of only a part of the diffi- culty. I found occasion to speak to Samuel, and his expression was that he was " up a stump." But fortune or misfortune favored me. Mother was called over to visit a woman who was not expected to live, and this was my opportunity. Samuel engaged a negro with an express wagon and I left home about noon-time. That night I slept on a train bound for the West. 40 CHAPTER IV. ANOTHER OLD MAN. Aunt Elinor was my father's sister. Her let- ters to me had always been kind, and I knew that she wanted me to visit her, for she had repeatedly urged me to come, but I could not settle in my mind as to how she would receive me now, a rebel and a runaway ; but I knew that she must applaud me when she knew that I had too much sentiment to sell myself to a disgusting old man. I had never been more than a few miles from home, and now to be rushing alone toward a world new and dangerous was full of a most delicious ad- venture. The thought of going for the first time into a great city had no terror for me, such as in books had been pictured in the minds of defense- less maidens. It was somewhat of a call upon modesty to go to bed in a sleeping car, and I lay down with all my clothes on. I was stared at by men and rather haughtily gazed at by women, Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner but this was a part of my education and caused me no uneasiness. Aunt Elinor's boarding house was in Ellis ave- nue, not far from the World's Fair grounds. And just before reaching Chicago I gave my brass check to an omnibus man and bought a ticket that entitled me to a ride in his conveyance. The month was June and the weather seemed raw to me. I hardly know what my impressions were as I was driven through the streets. I had a dread of being thought from the country and I was afraid to look about me. An old lady in the 'bus asked me if I expected to remain long in the city, and I told her that I was just returning home from boarding school, that I lived in Chicago. So I entered the town with a lie. As I had not informed Aunt Elinor of my in- tention to come so soon, she was taken completely by surprise. She gave me a real welcome, but this was not of nearly so much moment as the look of surprise with which she regarded me. I knew that she was struck with my appearance, and with a woman, even among women, this is always the first victory. She said that she was so sorry that my mother had not come with me, 42 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner and I knew that she was glad. It was about noon-time when I arrived, and soon, at the table, I was introduced to a number of people. It was a pleasure whenever my aunt emphasized the fact that I was her only niece. I told her that many of the people in our neighborhood said that I resembled her when she was of my age. She said that she thought herself that a resemblance could be traced. Her eyes were blue and mine black. A chilling rain fell during the afternoon; and so, instead of going at once to the Fair, which I longed to do, I was forced to remain within doors. The house was rather old fashioned and there was a grate in my room. My aunt sat with me and talked for a long time, mainly about her troubles. She had thought that her husband was rich, but he had died poor, leaving her to shift for herself. I remarked that she seemed to be shifting well, and she sighed and said that years ago she could have married a man of unques- tioned fortune. And thus came my opportunity to tell her what I had done. I expected her to take me into her arms and commend me for my bravery, but she didn't; she said that I had un- 43 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner doubtedly thrown away a fine chance to be some- thing in the world. " But how could I be anything as the wife of that old man?" She looked at me as if she pitied my ignor- ance. " Old men don't live always," she said. And so there it was again, speculating upon death. She said that I could have come on my bridal tour and remained during the entire time of the Fair. I wondered if this were an insinuation that I could not remain long at her house. That night I wrote to my mother and as nearly as I could, tearfully begged her forgiveness. Just before I had sealed the letter Aunt came into the room, and, knowing what I was about, requested me to add a few lines for her. I did so, and they were not complimentary to my judgment in leav- ing home. " And this is not all you ought to write," she said. " Take my advice and write to Mr. Pague and request him to meet you here, at my house." I begged her hard to exempt me from this sore task, and as she was not wholly devoid of heart, she consented. But she would not give in that I was right. " It is a girl's duty to herself to make the most of her beauty," she 44 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner said, gazing into the fire as if she were viewing the ashes of a lost opportunity. " If nature has made her attractive it was for a purpose. If a girl is willing to give her youth and her beauty in exchange for money, there is no robbery." " Except perhaps to herself," I said. " Herself ! " she emphasized. " My dear, beauty has always been marketable. Men know this they expect it. Haven't we the example of the very best society ? Don't rich girls buy titles ? Don't they give their money and their physical charms to decrepit old dukes ? " " Then there is no such thing as virtue," said I. " Without money ? Very little," she replied, without a ruffle of countenance. " What you know as virtue lives in romances and on the stage. It lives until the book is closed or until the cur- tain is rung down on the last act. Take this big town, supposed to be the very center of American democracy. And what do you find? Nine- tenths of the mothers hunting money for their daughters. Oh, neither age nor disease cuts any figure. If a girl marries for money she has made a good match. Her friends never think of con- demning her. They know that she has done well. 45 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner But let her marry poor and they pity her. Take the newspapers. What do you find? The pic- tures of girls who have been bought." " But why shouldn't I agree to sell myself for a certain length of time ? " said I, and then I added : " If the whole world has agreed to pros- titution, why not be more virtuous than the rest of mankind and agree to live with a man, say for five or ten months. I have read that society was bad, but I couldn't conceive that it was wholly diseased. I am not more romantic than the most of young women. In fact, I am hardly romantic at all. I am possessed of plain, common sense, and I am constantly called upon to put it aside and acknowledge myself a legitimate prey of man. It seems that the world has gone sex mad. Even at school we were not exactly taught that money was everything, but in a way we were constantly shown that it was. And the highest province of money is to buy bodies and to permit the souls to wander astray." I had signed my letters Gypsy when I wrote to my Aunt, thoughtlessly at first, and, although I was named for her she rather liked the nick- name, it fitted so well; and she said to me: Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Gypsy, I don't think that what reading you have done has been of the best. You have hunted for opinions when you ought to have sought cultiva- tion. Men don't want women with opinions. I know that my opinions have hurt me. Oh, before I forget it, let me tell you about the Judge I intro- duced you to. He is from Iowa and is a widower, and is worth all kinds of money." I knew that she had set her cap for him and had failed. I waited for her to proceed. " I saw him looking at you and I know that you could win him." " Do you mean the old gentleman with gray beard and a bald head ? " " Well, his beard is not black, and he hasn't any too much hair. Yes, that's the one I mean. His daughter was here last week. She is going to marry a rich lumberman in Michigan." "An old man?" "Well, yes, rather, a widower. The Judge has retired from the bench and is devoting him- self to the enjoyment of life. His health is not very good." She looked at me as she said this, as if it were a great encouragement to me. The next day was bright with the sun and the 47 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner air was warm. At the breakfast table the Judge devoted himself to me. He said that he would like the honor of giving me my first view of the Fair, and I consented to go with him. He was exceedingly polite and well-bred ; was not learned enough to be a bore, and though he talked about himself the most of the time, yet what he said was rather interesting. We took a carriage to the Fair grounds. And now for the first time I had a glimpse of the great world that had always lain so far beyond my vision. It was a dazzle and a bewilderment, refinement and art yielding to the power of money. After all, my broad- minded aunt and my narrow-minded mother were both of them right. Money was the world life ; and without it there could be nothing. It was the first time that I had heard any real music, and my blood danced like sunlight on the water and my heart fluttered in its efforts to arise and fly away. In a gondola I sat with the Judge, and as we skimmed the lagoon, this swallow from Venice, he talked incessantly, but I heard him not, only his mumble, not his words ; and when came the time to go to luncheon, it was a rude shock to me thus again to step upon the earth where Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner money was king, crowned every day and every night. After luncheon we went up that strange thoroughfare of all nations and of all thievery, the Midway, and I felt that I had crossed the sea and was living in a rude age of the world. Sometimes I felt the blush-waves flowing over me, at the sight of Turkish girls dancing, and I was ashamed to look at the Judge; but he was not ashamed, for he asked me how I liked them, and when I replied that I thought them disgust- ing, he remarked that he thought so too. Several times during the afternoon he referred to them, and laughingly asked me if I desired to see them again, and when most emphatically I told him no, he said that he didn't either. That night at home there was music in the parlor, and the Judge sent out and bought cham- pagne, the first I had ever seen. When they told me that it was wine I refused to drink of it, but my aunt emphasized the word champagne, and said that all society people drank it. Then I took a glass and drank, and bright thoughts seemed to fly through my mind, but I did not try to put them into words. The Fair arose a beautiful and most vivid picture. I went to bed happy, for it 49 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner seemed that the future was all of it as bright as the picture of the Fair. I didn't know why it should be bright, for I realized that I had no pros- pects ; but every one was happy, and in the midst of happiness the world has always smiled. Upon awaking the pictures were gone, but it was a pleasure to muse over them, and I got up without any ill feeling, for the truth is that I had drunk but little, and even that was under the approving supervision of my aunt. She would not have permitted me to drink too much. I went again to the Fair with the Judge that day and skimmed in the gondola, but I refused to see the Turkish girls. At noon-time we went to a place called the Cafe Mariene, where hundreds of people were drinking everything save water; and the Judge insisted upon buying champagne, but I refused to drink of it. He called me a charming little Puritan. My talk must have been very silly, for, remembering what my aunt had said, that men did not like women with opinions, I had refrained from expressing my views of life. The Judge carried a gold-headed cane, with his name en- graved on the top, a present, he said, from the bar when he retired from the bench; and once 50 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner he asked me to carry it for him, just as a joke, he declared, but I knew he wanted to prove to me that he could walk without it. There were sev- eral young men boarding at my aunt's house, to- gether with a number of young women, and I felt that I should like to see the Fair with them, but aunt said that all of the girls were trying to catch the Judge, and this stimulated me into a desire to be with him. I wondered, however, why it was that a man given to such unimportant talk could ever have been a judge. He liked to go about the Iowa building, where people spoke to him and called him Judge, and it was here that we sat in the evening, looking out over the lake as the shadows began to lie closer down upon the pleated water. He asked me to tell him about my home, and I told him many things that were not true, that a count who had come into our neighborhood had vowed his love for me, and that I had come away to be freed from his importuni- ties. He said that I had acted with great good sense, " for," said he, " those foreigners don't know how to treat a woman. Whenever an American girl marries a nobleman she must rec- oncile herself to slavery. It is much better to Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner marry some man of mature years at home some man that has been married before. A man nearly always values his second wife more than he does the first one. Don't you think so ? " I told him that as I was not possessed of ex- perience of such matters, I was hardly entitled to speak, and he said that my discretion was worthy of commendation. " You are a remark- ably bright young woman," he declared, and I wondered how he had found it out, as he had given me no opportunity to pass judgment, except upon the most trivial of matters. There were to be fireworks that night, and I asked him if he were not afraid to remain out in the chilly air, and he scoffed at the idea and said that he was tougher than a pine knot. Several persons who had been sitting near us got up and went away, and then the Judge assumed a tone of more con- fidence, as if he would tell me some of his secrets. He did. He said that he had married very young and that he had never been in love with his wife. " She was a good, honest woman," he admitted, " but was never a companion to me. With her I could not have found this pleasure, sitting as 52 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner you and I are, gazing out over this enchanting scene. It would not have appealed to her." I didn't know what to say, so I ventured to ask him if she were an educated woman, and he replied that her education was perhaps all that could be desired, but that it was not education alone that made a companion of a woman. Her mind might be cultivated and still she might be lacking in soul. " I think you have a great soul," he said. " It looks out of your eyes, restless and beautiful, as if it longed to escape and to fly away to its more fitting home beyond this earth. You have a yearning. Tell me what it is ? " " It has not developed into an identification of itself," I said, hardly knowing what I was going to say, and realizing that I had said something foolish, but he expressed great admiration for my answer, and declared that none but a great soul could frame such a speech. " But don't you know what you long for ? " he asked, and in the light of a lamp that had just sprung up I could see his eyes bent upon me. " Every heart ought to know what it yearns for." " Yes, that is true," I replied. " But there are times or rather a time when the heart hasn't be- 53 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner come acquainted with itself. We may have a million wishes and yet no great aim." " Hah, you talk like one who has thought," he said. " Very unusual." " Unusual for one to think? " " Yes, for one so beautiful. I beg your par- don, but " I laughed and told him that he had committed no offense. And he seemed disappointed that he hadn't. Doubtless he desired that I should pro- test. I waited for him to speak, now for the first time really interested in what he might say. " But the woman who thinks should no longer be a surprise to man, since she is now educated to think, if not for herself, yet in accordance with the mannish views of other women. However, we are wandering away from the subject. All women, as all men, have ambitions, greater or less as the case may be. One woman may wish to be a leader in society and " " That would please me," I broke in. " But have you no higher ambition ? That is the ambition of the lighter fancy. Have you no ambition of the soul ? " " Yes," I replied, " I should like to love a man 54 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner and be loved loved as much as I desire to be loved, which I'm afraid can never be. It doesn't seem to me that any man could love as much as I should want to be loved." " Those could be no other than the words of a pure heart," he said. " But do you think that a young man could love you as devotedly as an old man ? " "Why not? Isn't youth the mother and the father of love ? Must a man wait until his forces are nearly ebbed away before he can love ? Does nature make so foolish and unreasonable a de- mand of herself ? " " You are surely a remarkable young woman," he said. " I thought at first that you were simply pretty, but now I find that you think. And those who think, think quickly, so now I must tell you what is in my mind and what has lodged there ever since I saw you. I aspire to the honor of offering you my myself and all that it implies." It was of no use to tell him that it was sudden, for it was not; I had seen it coming, had heard it in the gathering tenderness of his voice. It would have been worse than rude to laugh, and besides I did not feel so disposed. But it was 55 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner odd, that I had fled from the arms of one old man to the arms of another equally old. But one of them was old and disgusting. This one was old and refined, a gentleman, and therefore my sym- pathy was moved. I replied that he had honored me rather than himself, but that I could not marry him. Then he said a very foolish thing. He asked me why. " Because," I said, and I was im- pelled by the spirit of truth, " I could not be true to you." " Not true to me ! " he gasped. " No, for the moment I felt that I had sold my- self there would be no honor left in my soul, and I am sure that I should at some time fall in love and fall." He took out his handkerchief and folding it slowly pressed it to his forehead. I asked him if his head ached, and he answered no, that it was his heart. At this I could not help smiling. " There are precocious children," he said, " but it is rare that we can apply the term to a woman. But do you mean, that regardless of all moral obli- gation that you would " " Give myself to a man if I loved him," I said, when for a moment he had hesitated. 56 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " If you were held by the bonds of marriage ? " " I would give myself all the quicker if I had to break bonds that were unnatural." ' Then if you were to marry me and should af- terward meet a man whom you loved " " As animals love," I unblushingly suggested. He was silent for a few moments, and then he said : ' Yes, as animals love, you would give yourself to him." " Yes, for I could not restrain myself." And now it was a long time before he spoke. " And you call yourself a virtuous woman." " I don't know whether I am or not. My own mother couldn't tell me what virtue is. And even you are counseling me to defy it to sell my- self to you. All I hear about is money, money. Money is a disease, and has become epidemic in the human heart. Whenever I dream of love, I hear the ring of money. I ask to be told what virtue is, and they talk to me about money. I have read of divine passion. It has turned to avarice. They are shooting off the rockets. Shall we go ? " 57 CHAPTER V. THE "WISDOM" OF A WOMAN. We did not remain very long. The Judge seemed to have lost his inspiration and was feeble ; and as for myself, I was simply a country girl, eyes and ears, looking at the fire and listening to the music in the air. Just before we reached home and he had insisted upon walking to the grounds to prove, perhaps, that he was strong he asked me if I had nothing to say to him. I answered that I had been talking during the en- tire evening and couldn't very well think of any- thing else. " I mean," said he, " on the subject that so engaged us at one time. Were you earnest in all that you said?" " I don't think I could have been more in earnest. Isn't it singular that whenever a woman says anything that sounds like the truth a man generally supposes that she doesn't mean it? Isn't that strange? " 58 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner He said that he hadn't noticed anything of the sort, and therefore was not able to say whether or not it was strange. If it were a fact, he sup- posed that it was strange. I was disposed to laugh, but he was serious, and he sighed as we were going up the steps. My aunt was waiting for me and she came to my room immediately after I returned. She appeared flurried over something and I was seized with a fear that in some way Old Pague and my mother had conspired to have me taken home. It was not long, however, before my aunt relieved all fear in that direction. "Well," she said, sitting down with a sigh as if she were weary of life, " I never would have thought it." " Thought what? " I inquired. " That he could have been such a deceiver that old man that Judge. But instead of being a man of wealth, he hasn't more than enough to live on, and I forbid your going out with him again. Why, today I met a woman who lives near him out in Iowa, and she told me the truth about him." " And who told you the falsehood ? " I in- quired; and she didn't know how to answer me. 59 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Did the Judge tell you he was rich, did some one else say so, or was it a mere notion of your own?" " Well, now, some one told me; that's certain. And whoever it was told it for no other purpose than to deceive ; and the Judge must have known by the way we all treated him that we thought him rich, and he could have set us right if he had wanted to. I don't like such underhand deal- ings. So, I forbid you to go out with him again." There is nothing more ridiculous than to be serious over the absurd, and my aunt's condemna- tion of the Judge for permitting us to be deceived with regard to himself, was more than absurd it was farcical. But I sobered my countenance, and told her it was not likely that he would ask me to go again. Then I told her that he had asked me to marry him, and she frowned and de- clared that he ought to be ashamed of himself, to seek such an advantage over a young girl. " There isn't one man in a thousand you can put any confidence in," she said. " If they don't di- rectly deceive you they know when you are being deceived and let you remain in the dark, so it all 60 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner amounts to the same. You have made a lucky escape." " It wasn't luck," I answered, " I had no idea of marrying him." " Not even if he had been rich ? " " I refused him when I supposed him rich." My aunt sighed. She said that it' was very hard to understand me, I was so whimsical. She started out of the room, but faced about and, as if I had been going with the Judge in opposition to her wishes, declared that such a relationship must end from that moment. " Your mother shall never have a chance to say that I trapped you into an unsuitable match," she said, and bade me good night. Her determination was unnecessary, for the Judge left the house early the next morn- ing, without saying good-bye; and I never saw him again. Very soon there came a letter from my mother. I expected her to reproach me, but I was hardly prepared for the assertion that I had broken her heart. " And if you could see Mr. Pague's suffer- ing your own hard heart would surely bleed, if it has any blood in it. I didn't think any human being, brought up by a Christian mother, could 61 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner be so cruel as to treat a gentleman as you have treated the man who loves you, and who would have laid down his life for you. And it will be just like you to meet some foolish young fellow and marry him; but I don't want you to think that you can bring him here to humiliate me with his shiftlessness and poverty." She said nothing of my possible return home and I knew that her heart was not broken simply on account of my absence from her sight. She did not mention her husband, and I was gratified to know that his part in my escape had not been suspected. It was at this moment that the de- termination to take up my home in Chicago en- tered my mind. I had lost none of my affection for my old home, for my mother ; but in the love for her was a pity for her weakness, and I could not help feeling that in some way a part of her lack of strength had entered into my own char- acter. I told Aunt of my resolve to live in Chicago. " Well," she said, " it seems to me that you are well enough educated and surely you are handsome enough to make your way. For a good-looking girl there is always an oppor- tunity to do well, with application in the first 62 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner place, and some little tact in the second. It won't take you long to learn stenography and typewrit- ing, and then it will be easy enough to get a place in some office. You can imagine the rest." I replied that I could not imagine the rest, un- less she meant efficiency in my work, and she smiled upon me. " Three girls of my acquaint- ance, one out of this house, have married rich their employers. Find the right sort of place and stay there." " You mean to find some place, then, where there is a marriageable man." The look that she gave me was too shrewd to be merely wise. " My dear," she said, " all men are more or less marriageable. The divorce courts are active." I understood her and I burned with shame. She noticed it and said : " Of course I don't mean exactly that. But there are many widowers in business, and a good looking girl has her choice of offices when it comes to getting a position. You may think me sordid, but I have had to strug- gle in this heartless world until poverty is to me a positive crime. It is to everybody. Why should any one be poor? Look out on the street any 63 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner evening and you will see some wretched woman taking home the clothes that she has washed. She receives her few dimes and returns home to her miserable home. Her children, brought up on the street, are anything but tender and lov- ing. They reproach her with their poverty. The chances are that she was a handsome girl and married to please herself instead of her mother. She wanted love and love only, and got it. When- ever you think that I am not talking hard sense, prove my error and I'll change my tone. Sup- pose you marry a young man and help him make his fortune. How much of it would belong to you? Upon some pretext or other he would probably obtain a divorce and marry a young woman/' " I had no idea that life was so wretched," I replied. " It would have been better for every- body never to have lived. Your ideas not only prevail in the city, but in the country places as well." " The fault lies with the fact that there are women," she said. " Nature, man and all life have discriminated against her, and then she is blamed by so-called virtue because she doesn't 64 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner want to load her life down with the burden of children. Children, indeed. Let the future take care of itself. Our lives lie here about us. Why, when we take into account the misery of this life, it is a positive crime to bring a child into the world. I had one, and he disgraced me and died a drunkard while he was hardly more than a boy." " I am most unfortunate," I said, for her words made me miserable. " It is a pity that I am a woman or that I am at all. But I had thought that woman, the mother of the race of man, was noble. They say that our grandmothers were. How could there have been so great a change in so short a time? Of course there can't be any happiness when nearly every one is preaching dissatisfaction. It seems to me that there has arisen a conspiracy against life. In the country the women try to cultivate their minds with books and literary societies; and when they come to the city they find that all of their time has been wasted. You have made me wretched." " That hasn't been my aim, I'm sure. I am trying to put you in a way to be happy, or at least contented. Of what is the use of seeking to make 65 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner a virtuous disguise of a thing that is so perfectly plain? Everything points to money. With it you may not be happy, but without it you are sure to be miserable." Next day I went to the Fair with some of the young people, and amid music and the gorgeous sights from all the world, I was happy. But melancholy settled upon me when I returned to the house. I could not keep down the feeling that my aunt, who showed that life with her had been a battle, had told at least a part of the truth. With all of her " wisdom," she was not cold at heart. She said that she would advance enough money to take me through one of the commercial schools, would board me, and that I could repay her whenever I found myself able. In a letter scarcely less reproachful than the first one, my mother approved of my determination. She had heard that typewriting was a good opportunity for a good-looking girl. Never a word of cau- tion, never an admonition. Some women are so virtuous as they understand it, a physical adher- ence to a principle, that they think it inborn, and it ought to be, but circumstances are stronger than traits. 66 CHAPTER VI. AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE. Not far from our house there was a small commercial school. My aunt thought that it would be better to enter here than to pay more at one of the large establishments, and so I became a student of shorthand and typewriting. I had never found it difficult to learn anything, but after a few weeks I was surprised at my own aptitude. I think that women learn stenography easier than men, up to a certain point. It may be because those little crooked marks all of them contain a secret; and it was with a sense of prying into those secrets that urged me on. Sometimes at night my aunt would dictate to me some of her views on life, and she was always pleased with herself when I read them to her ; and I remember that she said that her life would make a great book. " Yes," I said, " but the men who read it would never marry." " And why not, pray? " she asked. Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Because they would believe that all a woman wants is money." " Well, I guess the majority of them that do marry find that out soon enough." There was no way to get encouragement out of her. Worry and hard work had soured all the cream of this life, and now she would have me believe that there had never been any cream for her, and that unless I made money my god there could be none for me. I knew that somewhere, doubtless within sight of our house, there was honest happiness love; instinct and the warm blood of youth told me that life was not all a nightmare ; but hope is powerless to combat with experience, for experience sits upon the corpse of hope. And so, arguments with my aunt al- ways came to naught, leaving her, in her experi- ence, the victor of the field. Sometimes we went to the theater, and she always laughed at plays where virtue came out triumphant in the purity of its weakness. And yet, without the proper ceremony she would not have sold herself. Why was this ? Why should there be so much of virtue in a lie administered by the law? One night, late in August, we were coming 68 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner out of the Auditorium Theater when some one, gorgeous beyond immediate recognition, flounced up to me with a " W'y, how do you do ? " It was Olive, my dear friend; and she introduced me to her husband old Pague. I wanted to scream and yet I felt that I could sink into the earth I presented my aunt and she smiled upon Olive and shook hands heartily with the old man; and he coughed and smiled, showing his new teeth. " I'm so glad to see you," said Olive. " What a lucky accident. Isn't it, dear ? " The latter part of the remark was addressed to Pague, and he smiled as broadly as he could and said that it was a most fortunate incident. " I would have come to see you, dear," said Olive, and this dear was addressed to me, " but I didn't know your address, and it's so hard to find any one here. You see, we left home rather suddenly, didn't we, dear ? " This dear belonged to Pague, and he acknowl- edged it with a smile. " Do let us go some place where we can talk," said Olive. " Some restaur- ant. Dear, will you please call a carriage ? " I demurred, but she insisted; aunt was more than willing, and " dear " called a carriage and we drove away. Every time Olive moved there 69 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner was the rustle of silk. " We have been here two weeks," she said. " And dear has been so awfully good to me has bought me everything I looked at. I wrote to mamma to-day and told her how happy I am." We went into a glittering place, and when the waiters saw Olive in her finery they came run- ning; and Pague, who must have seen much of the world, knew how to order them about. We entered into a little room off to one side, and I heard Pague say that we wanted champagne. My aunt looked at me and drew down the corners of her mouth, which meant that she was express- ing her sorrow over my lost opportunity. I asked Pague if he were well, not knowing what else to say to him, and he answered, " Never better in my life" ; and Olive asked me if I didn't think he looked twenty years younger. My aunt glanced at me and I said that twenty years younger was undoubtedly the way he looked, and he gave me a pitying smile. . " Mr. Pague has just entered into some sort of a consolidation of his mines," said Olive ; " and is here now combining business with pleasure. But pleasure is in the ascendent, isn't it, dear ? " 70 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Dear " said that it was, and my aunt took a swallow of water. And what a dinner the old man ordered! One would have thought that it was his wedding feast, deferred until now; and when the wine was brought he tipped my glass with his own and laughingly said that we would drink to better acquaintance. We drank, and in- stantly I felt better acquainted with him. The music struck up and but for an occasional re- proachful glance from my aunt I should have been happy. Olive said that she was dying to have a long talk with me, alone; and I gave her our address and she said that she would come out the next day, which was Sunday. It was an occasion to be remembered, for every one in the brilliant place seemed to be happy; and when we went out Pague insisted upon sending us home in a carriage. I declined the honor, but Pague was determined and my aunt pulled at me, and I knew that I must yield. So we got into a car- riage. It was some time before my aunt said anything, but I could hear her thoughts and it was not a surprise when she said : " That is a sensible girl and you were foolish. The chances are that he is worth a million dollars. Coal Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner mines gracious alive, I know what it is to pay coal bills. Gypsy, I don't blame your mother not a bit; and I don't see how you can keep from blaming yourself. Can you ? " I said that since Mr. Pague seemed to be happy, with no scars on his heart, there was noth- ing with which to reproach myself; and she cleared her throat as my mother had so often done when she was irritated with me. " What he thinks or feels doesn't enter into the ques- tion," said my aunt. " You yourself are the one to be considered." " But I don't take the trouble to consider my- self. If I committed a wrong it was against my- self, and this wrong is now past reckoning with, I should think." " Come, don't talk like a school ma'rni. Be sensible if you can." And after we had driven some distance further, she added: "If you had married that man you wouldn't now be com- pelled to seek employment in some office." " But aunt, you said that such employment of- fered a fine opportunity." With her lips she made that sort of noise which irritation cannot form into words. " Yes, in- 72 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner deed," she said, after a time. " But what use is there to throw away a reality for an opportunity ? Tell me that." I was compelled to say that I didn't know. Oh, I had long since learned that money was always to have the best of all arguments. She said that Pague was attractive and intelligent, a man of the world ; and she was sure that he would make a kind and attentive husband. Kindness lived longer than love. Kindness sometimes arose into love, but love rarely sobered into kindness. " Oh, all of my experience hasn't come out of a cook book," she said. " I am not ignorant; I can read and I can reason." She could talk, I knew that ; and since talk has ever been taken for reason, I did not dispute her. Besides, there did seem to be reason in what she said. Her ill-humor with me never lasted long at a time, and just before we reached home she said : " But you must make the best of the next opportunity. It is no use to grieve over spilt milk." I wanted to say that it was especially of no use to grieve over sour milk purposely thrown away, but I didn't. 73 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner Next , morning there came a letter from my mother. She said that she had been ill and there- fore had not written to tell me of the grand wed- ding over at Peyton's. The money which right- fully belonged to me had been settled on Olive, she said; and the Peyton family, including the father, who had always been ambitious for his daughter, were all of them happy. In the afternoon Olive came in a carriage, without her husband ; and I saw a look of pity in her eyes as she looked at the plain furniture in my room. I asked her what had become of the postoffice in the hollow tree, and she laughed and said, " Poor Charley. And he reformed, too, thinking that I was going to marry him. But it couldn't be. He wrote to me just before the wed- ding and said that he wished my husband would live a hundred years. Wasn't that kind ? Char- ley has such a forgiving nature. Oh, did I tell you that we thought of going to Egypt this win- ter ? Mr. Pague wants me to go up the Nile. He says it's charming. He was there several years ago and was much taken with the the view from the boat. I heard that there was the mummy of an Egyptian princess here, and I went to see her, 74 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner upstairs over a candy store; and I looked at her and wondered if she had ever been very beauti- ful. I think her complexion must have been very much tanned. My, how I do go on. I'm keeping the first letter Charley wrote me after he heard of my determination to marry Mr. Pague. I told him myself and he didn't say much, but went away to write to me. It is full of the sweetest despair you ever saw. And I'm going to keep it as long as I live, and " she turned her face from me. " Isn't it funny how we treasure such things ? " she said, wiping her eyes. " And you could have had him Mr. Pague, I mean, but then you were always my successful, or rather my superior rival except this time. But of course you don't care now if he loves me more than he could have loved you. You never seemed to care for love, anyway. Now tell me all about yourself and what you intend to do." I told her that I was studying in a commercial school, and she said that if Mr. Pague centered his business in Chicago he could give me employ- ment. " But it would not be in the line of my aunt's policy for me to work for a man that is not eligible," I said. 75 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " How eligible ? Oh, I see. Well, I wish you as much luck as I've had." When she had taken her leave I thought that she was happy, with the exception of the few tears she had shed over Charley; and they may have been happy tears. I did not talk to her seri- ously. There was nothing serious except money, and the serious part of money is that you do not possess it. When I went to bed that night I agreed that I was conquered, and I formed a re- solve to have money, to be desperate if neces- sary, to let my heart play no part, to crush it. Usually a night resolve flies away with the morn- ing, but this one did not; it hardened into a de- termination. Before going to school I told my aunt that she had conquered, that I was going to follow her advice " And be somebody," she broke in cheerfully. " We can't get away from the fact, my dear," she said " the fact that women are to buy and sell, or to be bought and sold. All conditions and all nature point to that fact. A woman's love is one of twins the other one is trouble." I could not help admiring her, she was so strong in many ways. In France she would have Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner sat on a cannon with a sword in her hand. As a man, with that brow, that head shaped for strength of purpose, she would have been a states- man. Her god was power money; and power in some form has always been the god of the great. How she despised her work; how she despised the people that were compelled to board. She knew that with money she could have been a dominating force in the women clubs. She was rising when my uncle died. But when the women learned that she was poor and must work for a living, they fell away from her. It was no won- der that she hated them. It was no wonder that in her love for me she wanted me to rule. I returned Olive's visit, at the hotel, and I found her in handsome apartments. Old Pague was surely " blowing " himself, and his wife knew how to help him. When the dam that has held in the current of her life breaks loose, it is the country girl that knows how to spend money. She may not have read much, but the little she has read teaches her what to want. She showed me her clothes, and the dresses that I had " stolen " from home were mean in comparison. It had been too warm to wear her 77 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner seal skin, but she put it on for me, and I must confess that envy crept into my heart. Her hats were dreams edged with visions, and it was the first time that I had ever seen a pair of shoes that cost ten dollars. But they were too large for me, and this was some comfort. She chatted all the time, as I imagined a queen might prate over new territories that had come into her posses- sion ; she ordered champagne and we drank it and hugged each other and laughed. But she began to talk about Charley, and this made her cry ; but not for long, as her hats were in full view. After a while Pague came in, trying to look spry, but very tired. He put his arms about her, as was his right if not her pleasure, and she kissed him and put her soft cheek against his an- cient stubble land, his jaw; and they cooed. But I was not envious except when I looked at the hats. After a time Paeue put her aside and began to fumble over some papers that looked like bills, and he winced so that I expected him to cry " Ouch." " Is there anything wrong, dear ? " she in- quired. He smiled in a colicky sort of way and said 78 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner that everything was all right, " my pet." He asked me if I had heard from my mother of late, and when I told him, he said : " She is a most remarkable woman, full of common sense. And she would have made a man of your father if I beg your pardon if it hadn't been for his un- fortunate habits." It was cruel of me, but I felt that if he had ever been much of a man it would have been in spite of her. It may be that some men who drink have a cause. It may be more of dissatisfaction at home than the allurements of the wineshop. Men are not made strong by the weak ambitions of a woman. A noble unselfishness is the main spring of true greatness on the part of a wife. But I did not at this time so argue with myself, for my resolve was made. I was going to be selfish. And God knows how I carried out this determination. I asked Pague if Samuel, mother's husband, were doing anything. " Well, nothing to amount to anything," he replied. " I think he is trying to invent some sort of a machine. In fact I know he is. He came to me not long ago and said that it would take about a thousand dollars to 79 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner put it in shape for the market. Under well, I might say that under certain conditions I might have let him take the money." He looked at me. Olive, with one of her hats on her head, was standing in front of the dresser, surveying herself in the glass. I nodded and slowly he shook his head. " Why are you two so silent all at once ? " Olive inquired, turning around and looking first at me and then at him. " Because, my dear," said Pague, " there is practically nothing more to say about a man when you have said that he has invented a machine." " But you said that under certain conditions you might have let him have money. What con- ditions do you mean ? " she asked, looking at him and then at me. " Why, if he had been foolish enough to marry me," I spoke up. " Yes, of course," she said, putting off her hat, going to him and putting her arms about his leathery neck. She was standing behind him, and she looked at me, her eyes smiling; but the light was not soft. At this moment she must have attributed to me a moral superiority that I did not feel. 80 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner A boy brought a card for Pague. He looked at it, and, remarking that he would be down in a moment, kissed his wife and went out. No sooner had he gone than Olive sank down upon a chair and hid her face in her hands. There was no way by which I could comfort her, and I re- mained silent. After a time she looked up and her eyes were red, but she was smiling, v The same quality in man is called heroism. 81 CHAPTER VII. IN THE OFFICE. When Pague returned he found us chatting gaily. Olive had tried on her other hat. " What a picture," he said as he looked at her, posing before the glass. Then he added : " My dear, my our business calls us home." " Home," she repeated, in a sad tone, and took off her hat. ' Yes, and we must go to-night." " Is there anything wrong ? " It was the money. She was afraid that it might get away. He told her no, that nothing was wrong, but that he had been sued a trifling matter. " Then, why can't I stay here till you attend to it and come back ? " she said. He drew down the corners of his mouth and looked at her. She put on her hat and posed for him. He smiled the old fool. I took my leave of him. Olive came with me down the corridor. " I suppose people would think it strange if he went home without 82 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner me," she said. " But I wish he would. We could have such a time with him gone. But what am I saying? The Fair will soon be over, but I'm coming back before it ends mind if I don't." This sounded like a threat. I told her that I hoped she would. She looked determined, almost grim; she was no longer beautiful; at such mo- ments she was hard. The lines about her mouth looked like steel wire. But she had hats. We stood waiting for the elevator. " Charley said that he was coming to the Fair," she said. And then she added : " Do you know what I am foolishly afraid of? That you might meet him. He has heard me speak of you. He would like to meet you to spite me." " But why should you be interested in him now ? " I inquired. " I don't know. Oh, I'm not interested in him. It doesn't make any difference to me what he does ; only if you see him don't talk to him about me. Here comes the elevator. Good bye." She kissed me; she left a tear on my cheek her tear. I told my aunt of my visit, of all that had 83 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner passed. " Let her be strong and she will win," she said. " Win what ? " I inquired. I was wondering. " What she must have to be happy a chance .' to dominate over something, somebody. We are never contented except when we look down. We never do anything except when we look up. Let her look up. She has the opportunity. It does not in many cases come twice. You have had one offered to you. Make the most of the other one. You can." I said that I would. Olive had appeared un- happy but for a few moments at a time. After- ward I knew that it was a constant struggle for her to appear even pleasant. My future was coming. My heart was dying. It was now al- most sufficiently dead. After this, at school, I worked harder than ever. The secrets in the curls, the sprawling spider legs, were the secrets of power. I was attaining speed in writing this unknown lan- guage, this warping of my own tongue. My fin- gers flew over the typewriter keys. The teacher saw in me great promise, that of becoming an Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner expert. That was an insult, but he didn't know it. He was a man stupid. One day my aunt and I gathered in a harvest of Sunday papers. I was looking for a position. She had given me some of her swiftest " wis- dom " and I had caught it with ease. Business would not talk so fast as wisdom. The next day I went out with a purse full of newspaper cut- tings. I would fill it full of gold before I halted, I said. My aunt applauded the determination. I went to a number of places. I met oldish look- ing girls coming out. I could have had three po- sitions before noon-time, but they didn't suit me. The surroundings were too mean. In the after- noon I went into a large collecting agency, on the tenth floor of a new building. When I told why I had called, I was shown into a room where several girls were waiting. They were plainly dressed. I had on a part of my wedding outfit. Their talk betrayed a lack of education. One of them said that she had worked in a department store. She looked tired. One by one we were shown into another room. A man in a doorway summoned me before my time came. The others were hastened somewhat, I thought. In the room 8s Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner there was a rug on the floor. The place was neat. Here I met a cheerful man, rather mature, with a bright scarcity of hair. He bade me be seated. He did not begin the conversation by asking me about my efficiency. He spoke about the weather, which he said was fine. I remarked that such days always turned my mind toward the woods. A man with no sentiment likes to 'hear a woman talk about the woods. He said that he was fond of the country. I wondered if he said this because he thought that I was a coun- try girl. Some one came in and addressed him as Mr. Nevum. After a while I spoke of his ad- vertisement. He said that he had several young women under consideration. Then I said that he might consider me, and he smiled and re- marked that I ought to fill all requirements. Then he spoke of salary. The girl who had just left went home to be married had received more than the usual wage ; she had been some time with the firm, a year, I afterward understood. I said that he might try me and if I were not worth as much as she, why, it would then be time to reduce me. He said that this was fair. " When am I to know how you have consid- 86 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner ered me ? " I asked, and he laughed because it was all so unbusiness-like. I learned before long that those who were the most unbusiness-like re- ceived the politest attention. He said that I might come early on the following morning. He was better than Pague, was not so old, but I didn't think that I could make up my mind to marry him. He was exceedingly neat and wore a diamond in his shirt. That was encouraging. It was the gleaming eye of power my aunt's sort of power ; and I wondered how much it was worth. I was delighted to know that my heart was dead. My aunt's strong mind was not very much pleased when I told her of the manner in which my arrangement for work had been brought about. She said that I should have been more dignified. " But I was as dignified as he would let me be," I replied. " I could not have gone in with a business air, never having had any experi- ence; and all I could do was to act as occasion prompted." " I am afraid, however, that you were too friv- olous," she said. " No matter how much a busi- Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner ness man may admire beauty, he doesn't wish to marry a frivolous girl if he can help it." This made me laugh, but I soon perceived that she was in earnest, that it was a part of her wis- dom. " But I didn't go in expecting to marry him," I said. " Of course not, my dear, but we ought always to be prepared " " For the worst," I suggested ; and now she laughed, but not for long. Mirth with her was never more than momentary. " I will go down with you to-morrow and see that you start in right," she said. " A great deal depends upon that, you know. A collecting agency, did you say? I have never heard of a collector that was worth much. However, this may be but a part of the business. After I see the place I will make all necessary inquiries." I didn't know of any inquiries necessary to be made, but I agreed that she should go with me. So, early on the following day we went down to the collecting agency. Mr. Nevum had not ar- rived, but my desk was pointed out to me, and opening it I busied myself for a time with clean- 88 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner ing the writing machine. In this my aunt took a considerable degree of interest, seeming to re- gard it as an agent of power; and she looked about the room and passed her approval on all the furniture. After a while Mr. Nevum came in, bade me good morning and asked my aunt if he could do anything for her. She replied that she was there to introduce her niece, which ap- peared rather out of order, as she was not ac- quainted with him, but he smiled pleasantly over the humor of it. She had the good sense not to remain long, and as she was taking her leave she called me Gypsy; and shortly afterward Mr. Nevum called me Miss Gypsy. So there was my nickname established with me in my first position. Pretty soon he began to dictate letters so swiftly that I thought he must be trying my skill, and sometimes I had to stop and request him to re- peat. He was very patient, however, and when he had loaded me down he turned to his own desk, and, absorbed in other affairs, did not seem to realize that I was in the world. And those letters ! It was please " remit and escape the pen- alty," or " we have decided that it is impossible to collect without suit," or " investigation has 89 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner proved to us that you are able to pay, and if you do not call at once we will proceed to enforce the judgment which we hold against you." Every- body was in debt. A boy was constantly coming in, telling Mr. Nevum that some one wished to see him. Sometimes he went out and sometimes he told the boy to " show him in." I remember one woman that gained access to this, the tor- ture chamber. She told a pitiable tale of hard work and of sickness. She had agreed to pay ten dollars a month on a debt, but had failed to meet her obligation. " But you have a piano in the house," said Mr. Nevum. " Yes, but it isn't mine." "Whose is it, then?" " It belongs to my daughter." " Ah, your daughter. What does she do ? " " She doesn't do anything. She is still in school." " Well, but it seems to me that you ought to be able to pay ten dollars a month. This man Scott is constantly writing to us, wondering why we don't do something, and he is threatening to take the account out of our hands. You have 90 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner owed it a long time and he has been very lenient with you. Now, how much can you pay a month?" " I don't see how I can pay more than six dol- lars. My son went out on a strike and " " Well, but you see that's no fault of ours. Six dollars. Well, see that you pay that much, and remember, if you fail we'll have to come after that piano. Good day." I had heard this while pretending to correct some errors. And so it was all during the day, continuous failure to meet obligations, begging for more time. When I took the letters to be signed, Mr. Nevum looked over them and nodded approvingly. He could be pleasant. A man of about his own age came in and they shook hands heartily and talked about duck-shooting, when the time should ripen; and as the man went out Nevum followed him into a sort of corridor. I heard him say, "Where did you get her?" And Nevum, after saying something that I didn't catch, remarked, " Ain't she a peach ? " While he was talking to some one else I went to lunch in a basement cafe where there was a great deal of noise and a large number of young 91 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner women from the neighboring offices. Not many of them looked as if they were on the road to fortune. Many of them appeared worn, the older ones especially, and I surmised that they had to work harder than their younger sisters. Upon my return, as I was passing through the outer office, I noticed a young and strikingly handsome man. He turned from his desk and gave me a look, and shortly after I had sat down he came in upon a pretense of seeing Mr. Nevum, who was out. " Ah, hasn't got back yet, I see." I told him no, with a mere glance at him, but he stood there for a few moments, and then walked over to the window, just behind my chair. I was erasing a word with a rubber. " You haven't been here long," he said. " I came to-day." " How do you like the work? " I wondered if he saw that it was new to me. " I don't know yet," I answered. " I suppose not," he replied, and continued to stand near the window. He seemed to be looking over my shoulder. I turned my head. His eyes were directed away off, at the clouds. He asked 92 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner me where I was from, and when I told him he said: 'You ought to go back there." I asked him why, and he answered : " This is no place for you." " But I have to work, don't I ? " " Not this sort of work. Couldn't you teach ? " " I should despise it." " You will despise this before you are done with it. It is a house of lies and extortion. I wouldn't remain here a moment longer if I weren't in a way compelled. I am studying law at night, and I work here in order that I may learn to starve." ' To starve ! " I repeated. ' Yes, one must learn to starve in order to practice law in this town." I looked at him and he was smiling. He ap- peared more like a Greek statue of refined mirth than a picture of starvation. " I think Mr. Nevum will be back in a moment," said I. " Is this an advice to go or an invitation to remain ? " he asked, laughing. I told him that he ought to know, and perhaps he did, but he continued to remain, while I flew at the machine as if to recover the time that I had lost on him. 93 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " I think I hear Mr. Nevum coming," I said, halt- ing in my work to look around at him; and we both of us laughed; and in this laugh there was a flying leap toward friendship, if even it were to stop at that. I was dazzled by him, by the way he looked at me, by his smile, by the easy and graceful insolence of his manners. And now, as if he had been waiting for that mutual laugh, he went out. Nevum came in, florid, as if he had eaten too much, creaked his swivel chair by turning it about, and gave me a few more letters, all of a most threatening nature. I was glad when six o'clock came, glad to get out into the free air again, but I was pleased to reflect that I had done a good day's work, even if I had been the medium between heartless importunity and distress. My aunt asked me many questions, and I told her all I knew, except about the young man. He had said that he was preparing to starve, and I knew that she could find no interest in him. That night I wrote a long letter to my mother. I thought that she would be proud to know that I was able to earn a living for myself. When I went to work the next morning there 94 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner were only two persons in the office, the young man who had laughed with me and an oldish man, who called the young man Edward; and to my- self I called him by that name. Nevum came with a brisk air and proceeded to deluge me with letters, and just before I began to write them on the machine he said : " I suppose that, like the rest of them, you'll be getting married about the time you get accustomed to the ways of the office." " I hadn't thought anything about it," I re- plied, putting in a sheet of paper. " Oh, they never think anything about it," he said. " If they did maybe they wouldn't get mar- ried." ' Then I will think something about it." When a man laughs he thinks that in the eyes of a woman he is irresistible. Nevum laughed. I began to write, but he spoke again and I turned toward him. " I suppose you attend church reg- ularly." " Regularly when I do," I replied, and he laughed again. " Like the theater better, eh? " Something prompted me to tell the truth. " I 95 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner don't know but I do. I think the theater is more genuine. The church makes a pretense of de- spising money, but despises you if you haven't it. The theater demands money at the door, and when you have paid your way in, why, you're as good as anybody." " That's right," he said. " But what caused you to come to such a conclusion? You haven't had much experience, have you ? " " Experience may lie in what we hear as well ' as in what we see. Lately I have heard a great deal about money, and am more than half in- clined to believe that it is the essence of wisdom. And when we talk from the money basis, people may pretend to dispute, but they can't argue with us." My eyes were cast down, for I had not wholly grown out of the shame of such opinions; and I felt that he was regarding me intently. I looked up, and so he was. " Women are a hundred per cent smarter than they used to be," he said. " When I look back it seems that my sisters didn't know anything except what they were told. They didn't think for themselves, as girls do now. But after all, 96 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner I don't know but the old fashioned idea was best for women. The ignorance and bliss idea is not altogether foolish." " Have you any daughters? " I inquired. " One, off at college, or will be soon. Home now." ' Why do you send her to a college ? Isn't it to teach her to think? " " Yes, I suppose it is." " But I suppose you want her to think for her- self and to act for some one else." "Eh, what's that?" " You want her to marry to please you and her mother." " By George, I don't want her to marry at all, when it comes to that." " But you wouldn't have her an old maid, cheated of what nature intended her to be ? " " No, I don't. But what do you think nature intended a woman to be ? " " I know what you expect me to say, but I won't say it. I could say to be a wife and a mother, and, while this may be the intention of nature, I don't know that nature is just to the female sex, either among men or animals. Dis- 97 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner crimination is never just, and nature discrim- inates." " Nature hasn't discriminated against you," he said. " She crowns all of her glories with the creation of a beautiful woman." I was beginning to like him. Was this the same man that would grind six dollars a week out of an old woman who could not afford to pay three? Some one came in and I returned to my work. At noon I went down into the same restaurant and hadn't more than taken a seat when Edward came up to the table. " May I sit here, co-la- borer ? " he inquired, with his hand on the back of a chair. I told him that with the permission of the head waiter he might, and he smiled and sat down. " Heard some one pay you a compli- ment just now," said he. " Nevum, speaking to old Clayton out in the office, called you a bird." " I don't call that a compliment." " It is, coming from him ; not that he really amounts to anything, but because as a general thing he doesn't think that a woman has any sense." 98 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Still I don't regard it as a compliment. Are birds thought to be so very wise ? " " They have sense enough to build nests, and some men haven't that much ability," he replied, looking over the bill of fare. " Let me see; I'm not looking so much for what I want as for what I can afford. I'm not a bird, you understand." We gave our orders, and he sat playing with a spoon, and it seemed to gleam the brighter in the light caught from his eyes. " Your name "Miss Dawson," I said. "And yours?" " Somers Edward, law-student, incompetent learning to starve prospective tramp. If I had money enough I'd take you to the theater." " You take it for granted that I would go with you." " Of course. Aren't you eating with me ? I've gone with people that I didn't care to eat with. Haven't you?" His smiling made his impudence bright. I wondered if. I had ever possessed any dignity. " I don't know what I've done," I replied. " How long have you worked up there? " " In the sweat-shop of the mind ? Oh, about 99 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner three or four months. I do my studying at night beating chaff looking for grains. I came from Kansas. Father's a failure and mother's a crank. Got a short-haired sister and a long-haired brother. She's going to study medicine sister; think he'll be a nurse. What are you going to do next Sunday? " What a funny thing he was. He made me laugh made me like to laugh. I told him that I didn't know. " Give me your address and I may drop in." " Indeed you'll not." " Too swift for you ? Well, say Sunday after next. By that time you'll eat bread out of my hand." " I think you're horrid. Some time, as an ex- periment, why don't you try to be a gentleman? Even if you are studying law it might be worth the attempt." " You talk as if this was your first attack on the keyboard. Where did you work last ? " " I thought I gave you to understand that this was the first time I had ever worked." " Did you? Then I beg your pardon." " But what difference ought it to make ? " 100 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Oughtn't to make any, but it does. Fault of our civilization. I didn't fix it. It is not that I haven't the same degree of respect for you; I assure you of that." " But it is. You and all the rest of the men think you are privileged to be free with a girl that works. I should think that work ought to be the sign of honesty, but it isn't. I liked you at first, but I don't know now whether I do or not. Have I said anything or looked anything that would lead you to believe that I am am to be made free with ? " " No. To tell you the truth, it was because old Nevum called you a bird. You must have said something must have shown him that you were out of the ordinary." " Oh, and are men free with women that are out of the ordinary? " " Well, yes, I suppose they are. But after all, it's a sort of a compliment. We think they un- derstand. Man may not try to, but he has two sets of manners." ''' Well, with me you'd better employ the other set" " Good. I will. Now we understand each 101 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner other. And I think you'll find that there's a good deal of the gentleman about me." " I don't want to have to look for it. If it's hidden it isn't worth searching for. It ought to be plain. Suppose some one should make as free with your sister as you have with me. What would she do?" " Why, she'd say ' cert/ and go ahead. But she lives out in the breezy. The fact is, Miss Dawson, I study so hard at night that I like to let my mind play when the opportunity offers." He tried to be serious, but occasionally his re- bellious mind would gamble forth in play. And I did not resent it as much as I pretended to. Everything about him spoke of honesty, if not of truth ; and I believed that he had sentiment. But what difference did that make to me ? He sat not upon the throne of sentiment; he was moneyless and therefore weak. The waiter brought the food and for a time we sat in silence. He had come to the final test of refinement, eating; and I watched him. But why should I have cared whether or not he were refined? " I wish you could have seen the girl whose place you took," said he. I asked him if she were 1 02 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner pretty, and he answered that she was a fright. " But she caught a fellow with money," he added. " She had brains, and what was more uncommon, he was wise enough to appreciate the fact. It isn't always the handsomest girl that makes the best match." " What do you mean by the best match ? " "What, a woman ask such a question? Money, of course. That's the object of life, isn't it ? A woman, living in dread of the first wrinkle, the first gray hair, races against time ; and when she has overtaken money, she has won the race. And we men never know whether that sort of a woman makes the best wife or not. It's only the poor man who is in a position to pass upon the real quality of his wife. As a general thing, a young girl, particularly if she's pretty, hasn't any brains. If the old chap were to think a mo- ment he'd know that she was about the dullest thing in the world ; but he loves her with his fail- ing eyes, and she loves to be loved. Some time ago I went slumming with a party, and the young girls giggled over the moral degradation that came under our view. I guess the average young woman is hopeless. Noble girls, you may say. 103 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner Yes, I suppose so; but the noblest of them will turn from the most important subject, discussed perforce, to talk with delight on some foolish thing, a ribbon or a feather. So, I want to ask you, a sensible girl, what chance is there for a hard-working young fellow who vaguely looks forward to a home of his own? " " How do I know? I was brought up 'in the country." " Yes, but that's where you find the most sen- sible young women." " I don't believe it," I replied ; and neither did I. He said that the most of the women who wrote for the newspapers came from the country, that they were closer to human nature, in a quiet way, and that was what the public demanded. " But even on a newspaper," he added, " the handsome woman has a better chance than the ugly one. Beauty always looks fresh and inno- cent, while homeliness carries the expression of experience, no matter how modest it may be." His smiling conveyed but half belief in his own cynicisms. The freshness of his complexion and the clearness of his eyes spoke of his own mor- ality spoke thus to me, for my estimate was set 104 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner upon appearances. At this time I did not know how long it took abuses to show in the counte- nance. With the exception of my aunt, who had accused me of having read injurious books, no one had spoken to me on a subject that might bring forward anything that I had found in print ; and I wondered if reading books had gone out of fashion. In society in the country, as frivolous as it was, the young man and the young woman at least pretended to have read certain books. I can recall many an evening when we thought a conversation literary that involved merely the titles of books that scarcely any of us had read. But this young man had mentioned no book. The titles even had been dropped. I asked him what he was reading and he replied, " Storey on Agency." I replied that I had not read it, and asked him if it were good. He laughed and said that it was so considered. It was a law book. I liked his eyes when he poured them into mine. It did seem that he poured them, in a dark and glowing stream; and I was amazed at myself to think that I was not embarrassed. In the so- ciety that I had known I should doubtless have felt a sort of shyness. But I was not in society 105 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner now; this man was my fellow workman. I glanced at a clock. My time was spent and I arose to go. He reached for my check, but I would not permit him to pay for me. We went out together, and as we were going up the steps, my hand on the brass railing touched his. I might have shaken hands with him, without a thought or a feeling, but this simple and acci- dental touch, thrilled me. 106 CHAPTER VIII. A SEX TO SEX TALK. My aunt investigated the financial standing of Nevum and reported to me that he was not avail- able. I replied that, inasmuch as he had a wife and a daughter about grown, I did not believe he was. " I mean in case anything should happen," she said. Of course she did not expect that any one would get a divorce to marry me, simply be- cause I needed money ; and yet she wanted to feel assured that in the vague event of something taking place, there should be money enough to render it interesting. She was a sort of a carica- ture of a desire for wealth. She had mused over money until she was an exaggeration. In due time I received a letter from my mother in answer to the one in which I had told her of my independence, but in it there was not much of congratulation. " If everything were not so dull and stupid here I would advise you to come home," she said. " Sufficient time has elapsed for 107 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner you to meet me without embarrassment I hope." Bless her, I had never thought of meeting her with embarrassment. " The Peytons are very important since their daughter married rich," she went on ; " and several days ago I took the occa- sion to remind the mother that my daughter might have had him and that I could have been talking of coal mines. And she has had the impudence to circulate the report that Pague was the one that backed out, and that to hide your humiliation you ran away to your aunt. This was the rea- son that I reminded her of the truth. But I shall never recover from your foolish caper. Pague won his lawsuit and has returned to Chi- cago with his wife, as you doubtless know by this time. You may say what you please, but I know that Olive is a happy woman. Whenever you feel disposed to come home, do so ; and I hope by that time the report circulated by that snob of a woman will have died out. But false reports live a long time." And so Olive and her husband had returned. I wondered why she had not let me know. Could it be that she had heard that I had gone to work and was ashamed of me? 1 08 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner Gradually Nevum grew confidential. One day he asked me to lunch with him. I didn't know whether to go or not, and I hesitated. " I have something that I should like to talk to you about and can't spare the time here," he said; and I arose to go with him. Edward came to the door at that moment, and he looked hurt, I thought; but then he had no claim on me. We did not go to the basement restaurant, but to a cafe high from the ground. There was a thick carpet on the floor and there was no noise. The waiters talked in whispers. The girl at the cashier's desk looked at me, then at Nevum and smiled. Nevum startled me by asking the waiter if he had canvass-back duck. The waiter said that they were out of season. " I ought to have known that," replied Nevum. Then he asked me what I should like, and I said that anything would suit. He replied that anything was the hardest order a restaurant could be called on to fill. He ordered quail and something else, I've forgotten what, some little something that added frivolity to his character, I thought; and then he asked if I wished champagne. I replied that it would hinder my work. " There isn't much to do this 109 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner afternoon," he said. But I declined. An orches- tra struck up off amid some palms, soft and low ; and I thought of Edward, that I should like to see his eyes under the influence of music; and I was musing when Nevum said : " The homely lot of girls we have had in our office have passed into a joke at my expense. As a general thing the pretty girl is inclined to slight her work. Beauty, like anger, has a privilege. So I thought I'd try one of the other sort, this time." He looked at me and smiled, and I was ashamed, somehow. It must have been because the cashier girl had smiled. I replied that I hadn't enough beauty to establish a privilege, and he replied that what I lacked in beauty I made up in wit. " And this was what surprised me," he said. " It is one thing to be handsome, but it is another thing to have a mind. With beauty nature may compli- ment, but with a mind she endows." Was this the collector of bad debts? That something which had appeared as age now seemed the maturity of intelligence and of thought. I noticed that his forehead was broad, that his nose was of the dominating type. His mouth was broad and firm. He was almost handsome. no Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " What did you wish to talk to me about? " I inquired. ' Just to talk. Just to rest. But do you know that I secretly wished that you would refuse to come with me? " " It was because you wanted me to compel you to respect me more." " Yes, that was it." " I was on the point of refusing, but it seemed so like a sort of entreaty; and besides I saw no particular harm in it." " Only that I am a married man." " Yes, and the harm is not so much to me as to your wife, who would not approve of it, and to your daughter, who would despise me." " You didn't think of that." " No, not at the time I caught only the shadow of it as it passed through my mind. I ought to go. If you will excuse me, I will." " No, no. Sit down. I have something to say to you." I had arisen, but I sat down again. " What is it you wish to say? " " That I have no wife I am a widower." He leaned back in his chair and laughed. " But that in Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner only excuses you, and leaves me still a criminal," said I. " Not if I pardon you." " But your pardon is but an emphasis of my guilt." " Ha, you are refreshing," he said. " You al- most make me think." "Almost?" " Yes. I could never quite think, you know. Now let us get at it in a more practical way. I have at some time or other gone out to lunch with every girl we've had in the office, in your posi- tion; and I never told one of them that I was a widower. I was never called upon to sooth their consciences to that extent." " Perhaps you never said to them what you did to me." " Perhaps not. They didn't inspire it. Now let us get at something else. I did not tell you I was a widower to prepare your mind for some- thing else. You understand ? " I nodded, and he went on. " I should simply like to regard you, once in a while, as a companion. Do you want to know something about me ? " " If it's worth hearing yes." 112 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " All right. In the first place let me say that I despise the business I'm in. I didn't choose it forced into it. I was a lawyer out in a Ne- braska town and got too big for the place. My wife outgrew the society. We were prosperous. I was contented to stay there that is, if she had not made me discontented. She wanted to shine, and when a woman thinks she's too lustrous for her surroundings, her husband is a criminal to keep her there she thinks. So, I formed a co- partnership with a man in Chicago and came here. I moved out of a puddle and found myself in an ocean. The waves drowned my oratory. Oratory at the bar here? They laughed at it. They called me a school-boy. I was a general practitioner. Here everything was specialized office law. I could have gone into the criminal practice and still have thundered before a jury, but there wasn't much money in it, and besides, my wife soon discovered that it wasn't high enough except in the big cases, and they nat- urally went to men of reputation. My partner was an old man, feeble, degenerating into talking about the cases he had years ago. The time came, and came pretty soon, when we had to separate. Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner I didn't know exactly how to break it to him my determination; he liked to talk to me every one else had heard his stories. But death came along and broke it for me. Then I organized this business. I never employed a red wagon. Do you know what that was ? A wagon painted red. It would drive up before a man's place of business and brand him as a financial incurable. The law put a stop to it. But I needed money and I harassed the boys. I wanted to go back to Nebraska and acknowledge my failure, but my wife objected. She was resigned enough when she came to die, but she never would consent to face those women and acknowledge defeat." " It isn't too late for you to go back there now, is it?" " Not too late for me, but too early for my daughter," he answered, smiling. " She declares that it would be a cruelty to take her out there, and so it would. Her associations have been formed here her habits conform to the usages of this place; and so, with the silken threads of affection I am tied hand and foot. But how I hate this business." "If you didn't I shouldn't think you had a 114 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner vestige of soul left. I've often thought of that poor old woman the one that owes Scott." "Which one is she?" " The one who had not been able to keep her obligation. Let me see, what is her name ? " " The one who couldn't keep her obligation ? I can tell you her name. It is Legion. The ones that don't live up to their agreements would make a multitude." " But this one seemed to be so much distressed. And your agent had pried about her house and found that she had a piano." Nevum laughed. " Bless you, no. I didn't know she had a piano. That was a guess. They frequently have a piano, you know, and when we guess right, we've got a good leverage. It's the envy of the neighbors, you know, when a piano is moved in, and the sarcasm when it's moved out. We nearly always collect from a house that has a young woman and a piano. The mother will endure almost any hardship to keep her daughter in the musical swim. Untalented fin- gers can be trained to hide the conversational failings of a shallow mind, you know ; and ignor- ance applauds." Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner I was willing that he should talk, which he did during the entire meal. I was learning some- thing about man, about the tricks and the nar- rowness of his business. "Woman's modern education has done one thing for her," he said. " It has enabled her better to understand man, and that is the reason that there are so many di- vorces," I replied. " Well, not only that," he spoke, laughing, " but it has put her in a position to be man's com- panion aside from any sort of affection other than that which arises out of friendship. Woman is learning to forget sex. Some of them have progressed so far as not to consider marriage the sole aim of life. And I suppose that, regardless of the overcomable difference that nature made between man and woman, you are almost old enough to believe that they ought alike to enjoy the same privileges. That is one of the principles of the Woman's Club, I believe. You don't think that a man ought to go any place where he is not willing to take his wife, do you ? " " Why should he, if they are companions ? " " Ah, I thought you had reached that age. But 116 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner you haven't yet arrived at the state of liberality which forgives a woman for a certain transgres- sion, have you? Men forgive men, you know. The fact is they have nothing to forgive. His crime rests mainly with the fact that he some- times boasts of his conquests; and that is more of a bore than a crime. Would you forgive a, woman? " " I might if no one else knew of it." He put down his knife and fork, wiped his mouth with a napkin, and looked at me. " That ought to be engraved on the cornerstone of the Woman's Temple," said he. " It is the half- smothered acknowledgment of all your sex." " I haven't half smothered it." " No, for you are a wonder. And sitting here looking at you, I envy the man that shall win your love. It will bless him, for a time, at least." " Why for a time at least? " " Because he may not have the force to hold you. It is only the domestic woman that is held completely, or rather it is only she who submits after she knows that she is superior to her hus- band. I don't think you are domestic." 117 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " I like the bouquet better than the kettle, if that's what you mean." " That's what I mean ideality. And that costs money. The poor dream, and the rich think that they realize; and when it is all summed up, the poor have had their dreams and the rich have harvested their fallacies. At the last the dreams are the more beautiful, but it takes a god to dis- cover it. We can't. When we have come to know the real truth about any man, we are in- clined to pronounce him unnatural. Deception has become the real, and the natural the unreal thing. Freedom of speech has ever been held as a great privilege. That is man. But freedom of thought is greater. That is God. Well, I must now go back and inform Mrs. Mulcahy that un- less she settles she'll be put out of her shanty. By the way, I have a friend you'd like ; younger than myself architect. He has visions and sees his dreams arise in brick. He sees society held to- gether with mortar. He finds entertainment in the contemplation of mosaic dispositions and fres- coed natures. You would be a study." " Is his wife dead and has he a grown daugh- ter?" 118 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " He has escaped. He is a bachelor hand- some, graceful, learned and rich." " The last makes him everything/' I said. " Frankness clarified. And I suppose you have persuaded yourself to believe it." " I ought to. It was taught me in my cradle. It is the religion of my visual senses." " I should think that with such notions you would be moodier. The young woman philoso- pher usually is. In her opinion, man is the elder brother of the devil, and she hates her own sex because man is acknowledged as the master. I must tell Bayless about you the architect. He is a materialized painter. Shall we go?" Into the office I went shrinkingly. I dreaded Edward's eyes. 119 CHAPTER IX. COUSIN GEORGE. Next day was Saturday, and in the afternoon I walked about alone on the grounds of the great Fair. The weather was perfect, mellowing into the serious glory of autumn. The sky looked as if it had been dipped into the lake, to arise a deeper blue. In the soft air there was music, more than half a dream a day when everything seems at a distance, with a softened sun gauze between. I could imagine myself in any country except my own. Here were uniforms from the court of the Sultan. Mystics had brought the strange religions of the earth to compare them with a religion which to them was strange and barbarous. It was a time to dream of the past, and through half shut eyes to catch glimpses of the sweeter part of the future. I sat on a bench near the water. The gulls were freighting sun- beams on their backs, throwing them at my feet. Suddenly I heard a voice near me, speaking low. 1 20 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner In it was a remembered note, and I looked toward a bench not far away, and there sat Olive and a young man. Instantly I arose and approached them. Olive saw me and started, I thought. But she sprang up and "cried out that she was de- lighted to see me. And then she introduced the young man, her cousin George, from Ohio. He blushed and bowed to me. " Oh, I am ever so glad to see you," said Olive, when I had sat down. " I was coming over to your house when I received a note from Cousin George." " Cousin George " said yes, and Olive continued: " I told you I was coming back be- fore the Fair was over. But Mr. Pague was not hard to manage. He is such a dear. And he has taken such a liking to Cousin George." I was young and inexperienced, but I knew that " Cousin George " was none other than Charley. " And you've got to go down to the hotel to dine with us, hasn't she, Cousin George ? " " Cousin George " said something that sounded like " by all means." I think he was going to ask me if I liked to dine, when another thought came into his mind, and then he inquired if I liked the 121 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner Fair. I told him that I was charmed with it, and he remarked that he supposed so. " How fortunate that you found us," said Olive. " And your dear aunt. I hope she's well. Oh, you have no idea how stupid West Virginia was when I returned. But everybody was so glad to see me. Friends are so kind when they know we are prosperous." " Cousin George " soon found his part in the drama and began to play it. " All of my people were a good bit astonished when they heard Olive was going to marry Mr. Pague," he said. " Not that they had anything against Pague, you know. They'd like him, I'm sure. I met him yesterday for the first time. I came across Olive by accident, in the parlor of the hotel, and shortly afterward he came in. Got a good business head on him, I should think." ' Yes, indeed," said Olive. " And you can see that he is very kind to me." I could see it. And George said that he could, too, and I suppose he meant it. He was rather a handsome young fellow, slender, with a small neck and a large collar. He tried to talk in a deep voice. He would look you straight in the 122 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner eye, but it was more of a determination than an unconscious frankness. His eyes were blue, but did not appear strong, and he winked a great deal. He wore low-quarter shoes and purple stockings, and I thought that he must be a good tennis player. His straw hat was encircled by a pink band. His mustache was light and silken ; the silk-worm did not appear to have completed the work. " You and Cousin George will soon feel that you have known each other for years," said Olive. " He is so easy to get acquainted with. I was so thoroughly convinced of this that I told Mr. Pague that you had know each other al- most from childhood. Isn't that a good joke? And you'll humor it, of course. I do so much enjoy having a joke on Mr. Pague. He is so lacking in a sense of humor, you know. Yes, and when we go to the hotel you say George and he'll say Gypsy. Won't that be fun? He is engaged to a beautiful girl in Cincinnati, so you see you are safe with him." I thought that she said this to make it safe for herself. " Come on," she added, " and let us go through the Art Palace." 123 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner F'or a long time we looked at the pictures. Sometimes Olive and George would stand with their heads close together, to admire a painting, a better view of which could have been obtained from the further side of the room. When close together they were silent. When apart they chatted. We came out into the twilight. Olive was ex- cited. She did not know it was nearly so late, she said. She wanted to hasten to the hotel, but I told her that I could not make one of the com- pany unless she agreed to go with me to my aunt's house. It was necessary that I should explain the cause of my not coming home to dinner. She consented, but urged me to hurry. Dinner was ready when we arrived at my home. Aunt Elinor sought to persuade George and Olive to remain and to grace her table with their company, but Olive, and much excited, too, I thought, declared that it would be impossible. So I went to the hotel. Old Pague was walking up and down the room. Upon seeing me he appeared to be re- lieved of a deep trouble. " Ah," he said, " I'm delighted to meet you again." Perhaps he was. 124 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " George was so anxious to see her that we went to her house," said Olive. " It's been some time since I saw Gyp/' George remarked. " We used to play together, you know." " So I understand," Pague remarked. " Let's go to dinner." At the table Olive was very sweet to Pague. She wanted every one to observe how fond she was of him. At this he smiled and was pleased. And yet men talk about the weakness and the van- ity of women. The old fool believed that she loved him for himself. Vanity has its rewards and is deserving of its punishments. I was party to a deception, to an immorality ; and yet I was not ashamed of myself. I enjoyed it. In the room, after dinner, Pague was disposed to nod. Olive asked him if he didn't want to go to the theater, and he shuddered. " Ah," she said, " I know you must be tired. It would be cruel to drag you out. Gypsy, suppose you and George and I go." Pague said that he wasn't very tired. He would go. It had been a long time since George had seen me, his playfellow, and doubtless he 125 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner had much to say to me, but he walked with Olive. Pague and I were some distance behind. " Seems to be a very nice young chap/' said Pague. I said that he was. " Her aunt's son first cou- sin," said Pague. " Her Aunt Molly's son," I re- plied ; and this lie tickled me immensely. He was not jealous. I understand that old men are not, as a general thing. They have too much confi- dence in themselves. But Olive pretended to be jealous of me, and Pague looked as if he had just won another law suit. " But all the same," said Olive, " I'm coming out Thursday evening to stay all night with you." " I'll hold you to your promise," said I. " You don't have to hold me. I'm willing enough. We haven't had our long talk yet. I want to tell you of our plans." We were now going in at the door of the the- ater. Olive sat beside her husband, and I saw her squeeze his hand. " Most remarkable little woman," he whispered to me. The play was writ- ten around an intriguing woman who deceived her husband. Olive whispered that it was shame- 126 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner less. Pague declared it unnatural. George tried to yawn, but was keenly interested. After the performance we went to supper. Olive walked with her " cousin." Pague told me how happy he was. " My friends advised me not to marry a young girl," he said. ' They declared that at most she would give me a sort of daugh- ter love. But Olive and I are as happy as if I were twenty years younger." No matter how old a man may be he talks of being twenty years younger. He held back and let them walk quite a distance in advance of us. I knew that he wanted to say something. Pretty soon he began : " I was desperately cast down when you left home," he said. " I thought you could learn to love me, as Olive has done, but women are differently constituted. She doesn't seem to be any warmer, but I suppose she's more affectionate than you are. You ought to see a pair of slippers she worked for me with her own hands. Still, I could have been happy with you." I broke out laughing. Slippers and happi- ness with me ! He asked me what I was laughing at. " Something the comedian said," I replied. 127 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " But you were fhe judge as to whether or not we could be happy together," he went on. " It was not for me to say." " I don't think I could be happy with any one," I replied. " Perhaps not," he assented.- And then he said: " Ah, and I trust you will not take offense when I remark that Olive is better suited to me." " Not at all, for I think she is. She is more thoughtful than I am." " Well, let us say, soberer and better devel- oped," he replied. I said that I thought she must be better developed. After supper Olive declared that I should go home in a carriage. " It is a long way, but we won't mind riding any distance to accommodate an old friend, will we dear ? " This remark was addressed to Pague. His countenance fell. He said that he didn't suppose that I would object to going alone. Olive spoke up before I could open my lips. " Oh, that would never do," she said. " I know you are tired, dear, but really well, you understand. A young 1 lady going about alone this time of night wouldn't look well; and I'm sure her aunt would never forgive me. Cou- 128 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner sin George, what are you going to do? You never cared for me as much as you did for Gypsy, but I was going to say that you could go and come back with me. And dear, you can go to the hotel, for you have been busy all day. Gypsy, I never saw a man that could stand as much. But there's a limit to any one's strength. Will you go with me, Cousin George ? " George said that perhaps he could. " But I want to get back to my hotel in time to write a letter to my mother to-night," he added. " I've got a good deal to tell her, too about how happy you are, and all that sort of thing. She used to laugh at you, you remember, when you said you'd never marry a boy. But dad used to applaud when you said you'd not marry any but a mature man of brains. If you start right away I guess I can go." Pague asked how far it was. Olive made the distance twice as great. The old man looked at me. He was ashamed not to let her have her way. So Olive, George and I got into a carriage. For a few moments Pague stood at the door. She leaned over and whispered to him. She must have asked him if she were unworthy of trust. 129 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner He shut the door and we drove off, Olive and George on the front seat. Her vivacity had de- parted. They were close together and were silent. Occasionally I broke the silence with a word. Sometimes neither of them answered. Once Olive replied: " Oh, did you speak, dear? I was thinking about the plans of a house Mr. Pague intends to build." When the carriage drew up in front of my aunt's house Olive said that she was surprised at the shortness of the distance. " Why, Mr. Pague could have come just as well as not," she said. George replied: "Yes, think he could." They bade me good night, and when the carriage had turned about I heard George say to the driver: ' You needn't be so infernally swift going back." My aunt came up to my room. " Who is the fellow with her ? " she inquired. " She says that he's her Cousin George." " Bah. Did you ever see him before ? " I told her the truth, that I had not. " Do you know what I think? I think old Pague's a fool," she declared, slowly shaking her head. 130 CHAPTER X. THE SCOUNDREL, MONEY. Nevum's letters, when again I took up my work, threatened at least half a dozen unfortu- nates with the penitentiary. One woman had, he declared, obtained money under false pretenses, and he was doing her a kindness to let her know that unless she settled immediately, something of a very embarrassing nature might happen. " Let me see," he said, when I had turned to the ma- chine. " Guess I'd better soften some of them down a little. They might raise the question that I had used the United States mail for threatening purposes. The government is rather skittish in that way." He softened some, hardened others, and then leaned back in his chair and looked like a man who deserved self satisfaction in the knowledge that he had done a good forenoon's work. After a while he came over and stood near my desk. Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " You have impressed me as a girl who believes that a man and a woman can be friends." " The same quality that makes them enemies, if they have been such, ought to make them friends," I replied, halting in my work, for I knew that he wanted to talk and I was willing enough to humor him. " That was very well said. You know that at my age a man ought to be practical, if formerly htf has been foolish, and foolish if formerly prac- tical. I don't mean, of course, that he ought to be, but that unfortunately he is. What do you think of it?" " I don't know that I understand you clearly." " I suppose not. You know that in talking to a speculative woman a man shouldn't be very clear. In order to keep himself interesting he must perplex her a little just a little. He must engage her mind, and a woman's mind is never very much engaged with things that can be seen through at a glance." " I didn't know that," I replied. " But it's a fact." He was making free with me; I would make free with him. " Then," said I, " you think that 132 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner with a certain sort of vagueness you have en- gaged my mind and interested me." " Well, let me hope so." He laughed, not un- pleasantly. He changed his position slightly, leaned a little more on my desk. " I think we could be very good friends," he said. I nodded and he continued : " It would be nonsense to talk of love between us." I nodded again, and a flush mounted to his face, seeming for a moment to redden his thin and grayish hair. " This does not imply that I could not love you," he added, after a time; and I looked up at him and was silent. " Any man with a soul could love you," he said. I realized that it was not much money that was talking; it was the prattle of small change, and I was not seriously considering him. Had he been a millionaire, perhaps I should have fluttered, but his letters to " bad debts " had been so urgent and withal so distressful that he appeared himself to be in need of money. So I was calm. " During your short term," he said, smiling, " more than one man has doubtless loved you. Am I right ? " " I don't know," I answered. " I haven't been much in society. I can recall the avowed passions 133 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner of certain neighborhood boys, but they don't count." " You remember just the avowal of passion. Is that all?" " I remember that one, in his frenzy, grabbed me and kissed me." " Kissed you. It wasn't a frenzy it was an inspiration. Come, now, I am your father con- fessor. Did you feel outraged? " " I liked it. He was handsome and his face was clean." Nevum laughed and played with an eraser that lay on the desk. " You are very human, but does that make you humane ? Are you sympathetic ? " " I think so. I am envious, and envy is but the opposite side of sympathy." ' You are sharp and philosophical, I know that. Was your father a learned man, a man of thought?" " He must have been a man of remorseful thought; he was a drunkard." " Hum. Whisky leaves its mark in brightness or degeneracy. Did you know that ? " " I have never studied the question." " I haven't either, but I believe it's true. And 134 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner exceeding piety sometimes breaks out, in the fol- lowing generation, in riotousness and dissipation. Look at the children of preachers. Nature re- sents too much restraint. It will not long put up with interference. But we are getting off the subject. I was saying that any one could love you." " Yes, I remember." '' Which, of course, included myself." He looked at me, and I told him that it would nat- urally seem so. He laughed. " We haven't known each other very long," he said. " No, not very." ;< But here everything is swift," he went on. " Acquaintance, friendship, love are all of them swift. Did you know that ? " " I don't like for any one to keep on saying 'did you know that?'" " I beg your pardon. It is a foolish habit of mine. I'll try to correct it. But you have discov- ered that everything in this town is swift, haven't you?" ' They say that divorces are." " Yes, like everything else. Er you couldn't learn to love me, could you ? " 135 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner I had to laugh, not at him particularly, for he must have embodied Chicago's idea of swiftness, but the slowness of West Virginia was not wholly departed from me, and perhaps it was the lingering part of my old self that laughed. " I mean it," he said. " I don't think I could. You interest me, but when we love we must love aside from all inter- est, I should think. I don't believe there is any such thing as intellectual love. There is admira- tion, almost adoration but love, pure and sim- ple, is an animal quality." " Where did you get that notion ? " he said, straightening up and standing clear of the desk. " I don't know that I got it anywhere. I must have felt it." " Then you think that love is simply a desire on the part of nature to reproduce herself ? " And before I could answer him, he added : "I never expected to hear a girl talk this way. You must have read books whose very seriousness close them for the majority of your sex. Then you believe that love is physical, do you?" ' Well, the reflex of the physical acting upon the something we call sentiment, which of itself is 136 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner likewise physical. If it were not, why are older people less sentimental ? " " You are strong enough to be a George Eliot to defy society." " She wasn't strong enough. She only thought she was; and in that she wasn't any stronger than the average woman who wants her own way and has it. But why do you speak of George Eliot? Didn't she love the man she lived with? " " Yes, despite society." " But that wasn't strength," I insisted. " It would require more strength in a woman not to live with the man she loves but the greatest strength of all would be to live with one she didn't love." " Perhaps so," he assented, looking straight into my eyes. " Then you couldn't, in justice to yourself, marry me ? " I shook my head. He smiled. " I always thought it easy enough to get well, to get around a woman of marked intelligence, for they can be reasoned with; but you are hard." " I don't think so, Mr. Nevum. You spoke the other day of forgetting sex. That's what I have 137 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner done. I've talked to you just as if we were both men." " Yes, that is true. Well, say that you wouldn't marry me would you in any way I hardly know how to put it." " Perhaps a thing that you don't know how to put ought not to be put." " But since we are talking so frankly and un- derstand each other so well, there can be no par- ticular harm in it. I was going to ask you if in any way you could make up your mind to a rela- tionship closer than that of friendship? Could you?" I did not pretend to misunderstand him. I shook my head. At that moment a boy came in and handed a card to Nevum. " Oh, tell them to come in," he said, going toward the door. Three men were in the waiting room. They came in and shook hands with Nevum. Two of them were elderly. The other was comparatively young, grave of countenance and with a mechan- ical smile that made him more serious. He was a preacher. He began to talk about the church debt. Nevum was deeply interested. " You are the man to finance this scheme," said the 138 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner preacher. The other two men nodded their heads. Nevum hemmed and hawed. He had felt the heavy obligation under which the church was groaning, he said, sighing. " And to lift that debt would be the pride of my life," he added. " If we could only induce the younger members to become more interested. Ah, the church isn't what it was, my dear brothers. There is not that earnestness, that fervor that once characterized it." The others had sat down? Nevum stood, slowly pressing the ends of his fingers together and then pulling apart as they were glued. " I think that this fall we ought to have an old-time revival. That would have a great moral force." It was now noon-time and I went out to lunch, leaving them deep in their pious talk. To me it was not a matter of surprise that Nevum should turn with such ease from our free discussion to the moral restrictions of the church. Insight is a matter of birth, as well as of education and ex- perience, and I knew that, like the most of men, he was only true to the minute and the occasion. Edward was not in the office as I passed out, but just as I sat down at a table in the basement restaurant he came forward and asked permis- 139 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner sion to spend the lunch hour in my company. I laughingly replied that the place was free. After looking so long into the harassed countenance of Nevum, how fresh and how handsome was this young man, free from the taint of Chicago and its swiftness. His laugh was music. His eyes were music, just hushed, when the strains so live that we imagine we can see them. " The old man's entertaining a church com- mittee, I believe," he said. " Yes, he is going to lift the debt." " Well, if it's a bad debt he can come near it, I guess. Has he asked you to marry him yet? " " What a question. Is that his habit? " " I don't know whether you'd call it his habit or his nature. Now let's see what they've got in this foundry. " He handed me the bill of fare. And after the orders had been given he said : " I got a letter from my short-haired sister out in Kansas, and she informs me that she's going to marry some sort of a reformer, I believe." But he laughed in a way that showed he was not cyn- ical ; his was a good humor with just enough acid, a cranberry sauce. He had about him the care- lessness that showed the carefulness of educa- 140 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner tion. He had not the hard precision of the self- made man. His graces had grown up with him, and unlike the graces of an education later in life, seemed every one of them to fit and to show off his unconscious dignity. And to me, the only dignity that has any charm is the dignity that seeks to undermine and to overturn itself. How shapely were his hands, and his gestures were as silent oratory. ' Your predecessor," said he, " told me that Brother Nevum wanted to marry her; and she may have thought so, but I don't think the old fox wants to marry. You never saw his daugh- ter, did you? She's a whip; she pops. And I guess she's looking forward to the time when she'll make some man miserable. Yes, rather handsome sort of a crushed berry mouth not unlike yours, by the way. But this is not saying that you are to make any one miserable. You could make some fellow deucedly happy if it weren't against the present day religion of women. Nevum's daughter makes him toe the mark; she makes a prod of her affection for him, or rather of his love for her. And I guess he does love her. Don't think I could." 141 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " But has any one asked you to love her ? Must a girl be gauged by the fact that you could or couldn't love her ? " " No, not as to the public, but yes, so far as I am concerned; and it's my concern that shapes her, after all. When this girl gets through her Vassarization, so to speak, the old man can't live in the same block with her. I suppose, however, that you advocate higher education for women." " I've never had enough of it to know what it tastes like," I replied. " But it seems to make women look for something they can't find in man; and that is complete fellowship with them- selves with women. Our school was thought to be one of the higher sort. I mean my school where I studied logic and all that sort of thing." " The only true logic is love," he said. The waiter was placing dishes before us, and I saw him smile. " Did you understand me ? " Edward inquired when the waiter had withdrawn. " I heard you. But what was there about it to understand ? " " Nothing, unless you think there is. But what does logic amount to? What does anything amount to, for that matter anything in life ex- 142 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner cept love? Love moves the world; not such as our elders would have us believe, the cool and re- spectable sort. But the bounding, the torrential love of two great souls. And any soul on fire is great." " But those who have experienced such love tell us it can't live," I replied, wondering if it could. "Yes," he said, "that is what the bloodless tell us." " But doesn't there come a time when we are all bloodless?" ' Yes," he admitted, for he had to, as much as he would have liked to declare it untrue. " Yes, but a love that has been true may not die even then. It may feed on beautiful and delicious memories. My father and mother love each other. They met romantically, were married ro- mantically lived by hard work and were happy. If they had married for money they might have been miserable." Here was the old doctrine from a young man. My mother would have scoffed him; my aunt would have looked upon him with contempt. But he talked from the depths of his own poverty, 143 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner and no conviction is so strong as the one which comes not out of reason, but which circumstances have compelled us to feel. His ideas seemed as an essence from an old book. I could see the leather binding, the yellowing pages. But above us, in this mid-day, was an electric light; and that was the glare of the revolution. " The truth makes you sigh as if you regret it," he said. " Are you sorry that love is real ? " " I am sorry that it is not more fortunate," I answered. " Why should it always be so poor ? " " Because money is a scoundrel," he replied. " Ah," he added sorrowfully, looking into my eyes, " somebody has sought to poison your mind and I don't know but with some success, too. Who has been talking to you ? " "The scoundrel himself money; envy." " Don't say that. You looked hard when you said it. I know you've got a great soul. Don't try to hide it." " If I have a great soul, which I doubt, I must hide it from some one myself." ' You are the frankest woman I ever saw. But will you go still further too the limit of such' 144 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner opinions and say that you wouldn't marry a poor man?" " Yes, I will go that far. I wouldn't." " Not if you loved him? " " I wouldn't permit myself to love him." " A woman who talks of permitting herself to love couldn't love," he said. I arose and he asked if it were time to go. I yearned to stay longer, to hear his voice, to look upon his perplexity, sweetened, with his earnest eyes, but I told him lightly that I must return to the office; and so I left him, with a glowing sadness in my heart." 145 CHAPTER XL DID NOT ASK A QUESTION. I did not see Olive nor hear from her, but I remembered that she was to spend Thursday night with me, and I waited impatiently for her, but she didn't come. I thought that perhaps Pague had hastily decided to return home, and that in her disappointment she had forgotten to write to me. But Saturday afternoon I went to the hotel and found her there in the parlor with " Cousin George." " Oh," she cried, " I must see you at once. I have been thinking for two or three days that I would write to you, but really I haven't had time. George has kept me on the go, haven't you, George? Let me see you out here, just a mo- ment." I went with her out into the hall, and she said, in a soft and persuasive voice : " About Thurs- day night let me tell you. Now you won't think anything wrong, will you? Why, in the 146 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner evening George and I were out at Evanston to look at the college; and the first thing we knew the trains had stopped running something the matter with the road; a strike, I think they said. And so I had to remain until morning, but George walked back. Just think of it, walked all that way. I knew that Mr. Pague wouldn't be uneasy, because he thought I was at your house, so I didn't telegraph him; and when I returned he took it for granted that I had been with you, and was so pleased at the idea that I didn't un- deceive him. So, don't let on that I wasn't at your house for, dear, it would be cruel to unde- ceive him at this late day, wouldn't it? And he's so fond of you, too." I don't know what I should have said, but at this very moment I saw Pague coming down the hall. He held out his hand and said that he was delighted to see me, although I had kept his wife from him so long. " But, dear, we don't see each other very often," Olive hastened to declare. " And just think, when I leave here it is no telling when I shall see her again." We entered the parlor, where " Cousin 147 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner George " sat on a sofa, looking at the ceiling, whistling softly. Olive endearingly commanded her husband to sit down. She wanted to see if she could remember a piece of music she had heard at the Fair; and going to the piano she played, with her most delicate touch, a love waltz. " That is for you," she said, turning about to smile sweetly at Pague; and he was hereupon taken with" such rapture of her that he hastened to her and embraced her as she sat on the piano stool. George ceased to whistle, and with his lips still pursed, looked on gravely, while the old man, casting a glance at me, was happy in the possession of Olive, seeming to say to me, " Ah, you see how fortunate you made me when you ran away." George got up lazily and said that it was time for him to go. Olive asked him what his hurry was, and reproached him for not permitting her of late to see more of his company. " I shall tell my aunt that you haven't been very attentive," said she; and he drawled that he had been very busy. " Well," he added, " I may possibly see you again before I leave. Oh, by the way, mother will be here day after to-morrow. You must 148 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner come out to see her. Can you come with her, Mr. Pague?" Olive laughed merrily. " Can he come? Now, listen to that. Don't you know that, as good as she is, he would tire of her in a moment and want to bring me away? With all of her virtues she is beset " and here she left off to make fondling motions at Pague " beset with a never-ending desire to talk about her ailments. You could never put up with that, and it tires me, but I have to stand it. Tell her, George, that I will be out for a little while, but that Mr. Pague is busy. Dear," she added, running her rosy fingers through the thin winter stubble on Pague's head, " I shall not submit you to any such weariness as to listen to my aunt's never-ending drone about ill-health. She says she knows that she will like you because you are old and can therefore sympathize with her. I resented this yes, when George told me she said it I resented it, and I was determined then that she shouldn't sit up and talk to my hus- band as if he were a hundred years old. I am half inclined not to go myself, though I was al- ways her favorite niece." " Oh, you'll have to go," said Pague. " It 149 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner would never do to hurt her feelings. But I can't go; and you wouldn't ask it, would you? " " No, dear, I've told you I wouldn't." She walked off toward the door with George, said that she had a message for her aunt, and went out into the hall-way with him. Pague turned to me and said that the weather was charming, and he said it as if he thought it were a discovery on his part and that I ought to give him credit for it. Knowing so well the part that Olive was playing, perhaps it might have been the province of true and lofty virtue to tell him. But I could not. The deception was amusing shameless, it is true, but amusing to me ; and now I found that in my own heart virtue did not sit arrayed in its brightest colors. Ah, and who had taught me virtue? Had not my mother pointed to money? Was not money the greatest of all cheats, the shrewdest of all deceivers? And what had this old man himself done, except to teach Olive to deceive herself into the belief that she could learn to love him! That love which we learn, what a curse ! When Olive returned she kissed old Pague kissed him toward the door. Her constant study 150 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner was to be rid of him. And as I looked at her I mused, " How you would like to kiss him out of your life." He asked her if she did not feel dis- posed to take a walk, and she answered that she was tired, And at this moment she looked as if she might aptly have posed for the portrait of weariness; but a minute later, when Pague went out to meet some one who had sent for him, she bounded across the floor, sprang upon the sofa and, seizing the pillow, hugged it in her ardent arms. Then over the pillow she peeped at me. " Olive," I said, " you have made me a party to your deception." I felt virtuous as I said this, and I looked hard at her. She was greatly sur- prised. " Deception ? Why, Gyp, whatever can you mean? You know I never deceived you?" " Oh, I know that. But you must have thought you did." " I declare I don't understand you." " Don't please don't think I'm a fool, Olive. That fellow is Charley, and you went out to Evanston with no intention of returning that night." " Oh, how cross you are. And my, how sus- Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner picious. When Mr. Pague comes back, tell him what you think. It will be such fun for you. And when I am disgraced " She peeped at me from behind the sofa pillow. I went over to her, sat down beside her and took her hands in mine. " Please don't lecture me," she pleaded, with tears in her eyes. " Don't call me weak, for it wasn't weakness it was strength of love. One of these days perhaps you may know. But as long as you don't, please don't lecture me. Don't tell me what I ought not to do or what I should do. I know all that as well as you do. Oh, if you only knew the misery day after day, night after night; and then the freedom that nature intended. If you only knew. In the first place, I did as I was commanded. I was dutiful. And I tried to love him oh, how hard I tried. I tried to be faithful to him. But nature all of nature, birds, flowers, the very sun arose against it. Now I have gone so far that I can't be truth- ful. Now nothing but deception can be kind." She sat up, she tumbled the pillow upon the floor, she looked at me almost defiantly. " It would be nothing more than right just to humili- ate them all," she said. " They brought it on 152 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner themselves. My shame and my suffering amounted to nothing in their sight. They warmed themselves by the fire that was consum- ing me. They reproached me with my education ; they said that as they had made sacrifices to send me to school, I ought to make a sacrifice in my turn. And I made it. Yes, I made it, and shall continue to make it, so far as they know as I shall permit them to know. Hush, he's coming/' She wiped her eyes and took up the pillow. When Pague entered the room she was laugh- ing. " Oh, that's the funniest thing," she said. " Gypsy was just telling me of some of her ex- periences in the office." Pague sat down and requested me to " repeat " the story. " Oh, it wasn't intended for you," Olive laughed. " It was only one of those little feminine things that wouldn't interest a man." " Oh, I don't know," he replied, smiling upon her. " What was it, Miss Gypsy? " " Nothing, only the janitor of the building came to me, told me that he had saved up three hundred dollars and that he would present it to me, together with a wedding ring." He laughed and declared that I could not al- 153 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner ways escape. " One of these days there will come along a fellow to capture your heart " " As you captured mine," Olive broke in ; and he reached over and took her hand and held it, looking triumphantly at me. Olive smiled. " How I am sobering down into an old and staid married woman," she remarked, shifting the light of her smile from me to Pague. " Mother says she never saw a girl change so fast. And for the better, dear," she added, as her husband patted the back of her hand. In my heart I wished that she would " kiss him " out of the room. I had never found her so interesting as when she talked of her misery, for in it I heard the note of stolen happiness. In the eye of the law, morality justice to all others save herself, she had committed a crime. I knew this, and yet I found it hard to condemn her. Both of us had been taught to deceive. We had been reared to believe that it was legitimate to exchange " love " for money. Having done this, how far was it a moral wrong to exchange love for love, passion for passion? Nature is the mother of passion. But who is the mother of avarice? So- ciety. Then, if we deceive society, we have taken 154 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner advantage of avarice. Virtue, instilled from birth and the companion of the cradle, would have shown to me the fallacy of this argument. " Oh, let's go to the Fair," cried Olive, with the ardor of an inspiration. She bounded to her feet, she danced in the vigor of her glee. She did not give Pague time to reply. She seized him about the neck to hug him into obedience; and when she had succeeded, she began to kiss him into another sort of compliance, to let her go, but not to accompany her. It was a delight to see her " work " him, to shape him in her hands ; and he smiled and yielded, this tough old man of money. So Olive and I went out together, and when we were in the street she gripped my arm and cried : " Oh, what freedom." On a bench near the lake we sat in the mellow sunlight. Afar off where the bands were playing there seemed to be gathering a storm of music. " I wonder if you can ever know what free- dom means," said my companion, dreamily look- ing at me. " I think I am prepared to know," I answered. " Once I ran away from slavery." 155 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Ah, yes, the slavery that I now enjoy," she laughed. " But there was something about you that I didn't possess," she added. " You were weaker, or stronger or something, I don't know what. And do you condemn me very much now? " she asked, with her eyes turned upon me. " I ought to, Olive, but I can't." She nestled closer to me. She pressed my hand. " If I am to be defended, nature herself must supply my argument," she said. " Since my mar- riage I have read constantly the bible and the moral books that have grown out of it, but nature was stronger than all. My own intelligence con- demns me. I know that I am not to blame for a temptation, for that arises unbidden in the mind. But when I yield, I commit an act and am to blame. In the night I have wept over it ; but out in the sunshine when it would seem that my error would be dark in the light, like a reproachful shadow, I have looked upon it as a freedom, as a rebellion against the ancient regime of tyranny." I told her that she needed not to defend herself to me. But soon I understood that she liked to talk about her crime, because it was sweet to her. 156 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Ah, but have you thought of the end ? " said I ; and she gave me a reproachful look. " It is the June day that delights us, and we'd be ungrateful to look forward into the night unless we found the night beautiful, too," she replied. I did not doubt that she had been reading, not moral books, but Byron. " But what can the end be? " I per- sisted. '' We shall always love each other," she replied. " But sooner or later Pague must suspect or know the truth. Then what ? " " Oh, you what do they call it ? Cross exam- iner? That's what you are. Why, it would be a scandal, of course. Weren't you and I both brought up in an atmosphere that ripens scandal ? Haven't we known of them in our own neigh- borhood?" And after sitting in silence for a time she said : "I am glad you don't condemn me. .But I wasn't very much afraid. You are not helping me to deceive Mr. Pague, but assist- ing him to deceive himself; and that's what he wants." There were questions that I should have liked to ask. Into mysteries she had been initiated. From her eyes had fallen the golden scales of in- 157 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner nocence, and out of that heaven-born blindness she had come forth into the light, to view the world, herself, to remember the truth and to compare it with the imagined. But modesty is more than a film and I could not break it. I did not ask a question. 158 CHAPTER XII. THE PREACHER'S WORDS. Late the following afternoon, while I was sit- ting at the window in my aunt's home, a thrill suddenly shot through me. I saw Edward com- ing up the steps. I didn't know whether or not he had seen me, and when he rang the bell I jumped up to run away, with the intention not to be " at home," but my resolution gave way and I went to the door to admit him. Of course I was surprised to see him; I asked him if it were my aunt he had come to call on, and he laughed care- lessly as he walked into the parlor. I told him that I thought I had ordered him not to come, and he laughed and said that he must have mis- taken it for a command to make his appearance at here he looked at his watch and added : " At this time." What a picture he was, dressed in graceful negligence, with an impudent kink of hair on his forehead. His dark eyes glowed upon me, and 159 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner a tenderness vibrated in his voice. At one mo- ment he was almost rudely at ease, and at the moment following it would seem that he was almost frightened, his face growing pale. Look- ing toward the piano he asked me if I played; and what was more natural than for me to reply that I had given up my music. But this was true. I had. How hard I had tried to touch the keys with the emotion I had felt ; but I had failed, as all must fail who have industry rather than talent. He said that surely I could sing, but I shook my head. " You have come to a poor place for entertainment," I said. " There are several here who sing and play when the others want to read, but they are out at present." His eyes were grateful for the latter part of this intelligence. " Were you surprised to see me ? " he asked, smiling with charming defiance ; and I rebuked him with a look, or at least thought I did, but he smiled again as before, and his impudence was pleasing because it appeared to be natural. " I didn't know what to do with myself this afternoon," he said. " I tried to give myself up to study, but my mind wandered off 160 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner in this direction. Can I help it if my mind wan- ders?" " No, but you can keep from following it when it does wander," I replied. " Yes, I could have myself locked up," he re- joined, and his face was pale and his eyes glowed. " But a man may be in prison and yet not locked up," he added, musing. " Wasn't it one of the old poets who said that iron bars did not a prison make ? Is your aunt at home ? " I told him that I thought she was somewhere about the house. " Do you wish to see her ? I'll call her." " Oh, no, I'm not acquainted with her." For a time we sat in silence, he looking at me, pale and flushed by turns. Once in his eyes I saw an expression, a dark shadow edged with light, and my heart beat fast. I looked away from him, at the window curtain, slowly moving with a breeze. He spoke of the softness of the air, and asked me if I should not like to walk, but I de- clined, scarcely hearing my own voice when I said no. Something drew me toward him, some- thing that strove constantly to break through the natural reserve of our short acquaintance. To 161 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner myself I had not acknowledged that I loved him ; but when I had thought that he might perhaps love me, the feeling that followed was warm and sweet. Then arose the thought of money, my teaching, the very mother's milk of all my train- ing ; and to myself I said that his love could mat- ter but little, since I could not consent to be his wife. I thought of Olive, of her slavery, of her bursts into criminal freedom. But I thought also of poverty, of never-ending toil, of the misery that might follow from seeing innocent and help- less ones suffer on account of my selfish love. Yes, it was natural to love and to be loved, but nature herself was an animal. He asked me if I would go to church with him, and I told him that I would, with my aunt's con- sent. This I felt that she would give, as he was dressed with the appearance of a possible posses- sion of money. Soon she came into the room. I presented Edward, and saw at once that he found at least a temporary favor in her eye. Ah, he was shrewd. He complimented her in a way that sounded more of truth than of flattery; and shortly afterward she expressed the wish that he might stay to supper. Then he boldly asked per- 162 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner mission to accompany me to church. She gave it readily, as I knew she would. I was afraid that he might spoil it all by dropping some hint of his poverty, of his short-haired sister and his long-haired brother in Kansas; but he talked about stocks and bonds with such ease that my aunt was quite delighted. As yet she did not know that he worked for Nevum. Without wait- ing to be asked where he had met me, he had volunteered the information that his friend Nevum had introduced us, which was not true, but I did not correct him. At the supper table he was bright and engag- ing; he told a story that put every one in good humor, complimented an old woman who whis- pered to me that he was as nice as he could be, and finally won my aunt completely by declaring that not in years had he so much enjoyed a meal. There were several churches in the immediate neighborhood, but he chose one further away; and we walked, the air was so soft and the sky so purple with the lingering light of the sun. The minister was a young man, full of the fire of " declamation." He denounced the evil of the day, the prevalence of divorces. He said with 163 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner deep impressiveness, that there might be some who would take him to task for what he was about to utter, but that he was going to give what, in his opinion, was the cause of so many divorces. Here every one appeared to lean for- ward to catch the message of wisdom. " Un- considered marriage," said he. " Permit me to be a little plainer romantic marriage. In what appears to be a most beautiful romance there may be no suitability, no temperamental affinity, no thought in common. A girl should not trust her inexperienced senses. Marriage was instituted that woman might be taken care of, and unless her husband is able to do this, a vital fault is encountered at the very threshold of married life." Here he paused and waved his hand toward the lake. " Over across that bright and limpid water lies the Gretna Green of many a fond hope. Across the wave glides the boat freighted with romance, with glowing eyes, with warm lips. But what is that shadow that falls almost amid the sunbeams at the stern of the hope- laden craft? It is the shadow of the divorce court. Therefore, young women, ye of no experi- ence of life, I say to you, trust not your romantic 164 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner desires. Impassioned marriage is a madness. If you cannot take reason to the altar with you, do not go. A wise divine has recently said that, while love may be an intoxication, marriage par- takes of the nature of a trade, a business, depend- ing for happiness upon prosperity. And I say, that the union of two poverties can fall but little short of a crime. The legitimate career of man is the pursuit of happiness. This idea is as old as man himself. But how constantly a lack of judgment interferes with it. If you are going to choose a partner in business you do not let foolish whims and romances influence your action. Re- gard marriage as a partnership, and you will see the divorce court close its doors." This was my own cradle song, sung now from the pulpit. Surely it was true, as a newspaper had said, that poetry was dying out of the world, that it belonged only to the morning twilight of civilization. That warm glow in the heart, a glow so bright as to dazzle the eye, that some- thing which we have called love, was to be dreaded and shunned. To judgment only we should appeal. And what was the greatest achievement, the highest reward of judgment? 165 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner Money. I glanced at Edward and his cheeks were red with indignation. I fancied that I could hear his heart beating, like a distant drum. I could feel his anger. It was warming itself by my own. And yet I could not banish the thought, the conviction that the preacher was telling the truth. As we passed out of the church Edward re- marked : " I'd like to take that fellow by the throat." "For telling the truth?" I inquired. " Is it possible that you believe him ? Isn't love the very basis of the book he preaches from? Isn't love declared to be God ? " " Love in that sense must mean justice," I re- plied, speaking against the promptings of my own heart. A man and a woman passed us. " He hit the nail on the head," remarked the man. " Our own married life illustrates it. We married with- out any nonsense, and have always been con- tented." " And were never happy a moment in their lives," Edward declared, as they passed on. I replied that they could be happy and still not de- lirious. For a long time we walked in silence. 166 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner The moon was full, the night romantic; the ripened year was sweet with the scent of the mel- lowed leaf. But the man had preached against it all God's beauty wasted. I heard Edward speaking, a low, musical hum; and out of his chant there came the words : " Would you marry for money? " " I didn't I ran away, and that's why I'm here, working for a living." " And are you glad that you ran away? " " I am not sorry that I didn't marry that man, old and not refined." " But if he hadn't been old you might have married him." " If he had been young I might have loved him." " Yes, young and with money, you might have loved him. By the eternal heavens, poverty is a crime, isn't it? When our forefathers came to cut down the forest, love gripped the handle of the axe, but the forest is gone and love seems to have fallen with the trees." " Yes," said I, " and those who worked while they loved, remembering the hardships and the trials, now tell us that we must have money. As 167 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner for myself, I am free to say that I hate poverty. I love refinements, songs instead of groans, music rather than distress. I don't like to shut myself up when the day is beautiful, to work in order that I may have some dark place to sleep in, some board where I may satisfy my hunger. If God gave a part of the world to me, why didn't he give it freely ? Why did he put a blight upon it ? And why, in order to mock me, did he give to me an appreciation of better things ? " We walked in silence until we reached home. I asked him to come in, saying that it was not late, but he said that he wasn't feeling very well and would go home. He held forth his hand. I gave him mine and he held it for a moment, pressing it; and his hand was warm and thrill- ing. But, as he seemed to be drawing me toward him, I took my hand away and bade him good night. My aunt was in the parlor, alone. I entered with a laugh, but in my heart there was no mirth. She began at once to talk about Edward. She said he was charming. " Yes," I said, " he is very kind at the office." " At the office ? Does he work there ? " 168 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Yes." " A partner in the concern? " " No, he works for Nevum during the day, and studies law at night." Her countenance fell. " A fine prospect he has," she said. " In the course of five or six years he'll have a sign, five by eight inches, in a win- dow, twentieth story from the ground. And there he'll starve, until he goes out to sell sub- scription books to the farmers. Oh, I know all about it. And the first thing I know you'll marry him, even before he has money enough to get his tin sign. Then I suppose you'll go about from house to house with pins and needles for sale and take orders for cheap coffee. I know all about it. And all this time your mother thinks that I'm taking excellent care of you. But instead of that I'm about to marry you to a pauper that knows how to compliment old women. Oh, I know." " But, my dear aunt," I protested, " I haven't thought of marrying him." " Oh, you haven't. You are in love with him this very minute and he is in love with you. Anybody can see that." " Well," said I, " if we are both in love " 169 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner She cleared her throat and gave me a look that almost turned my blood cold. " Elinor," she said, " I take as much interest in you as if you were my own daughter. If you marry that man I can see nothing but misery for you. Why, you might better go out into the country and marry a farm hand. In that event you would both be sure of work. But that young fellow hasn't yet got up to the point where he can work. So far as a start is concerned, he hasn't been born. He's handsome enough to look at, but never in God's world will he make a lawyer of himself. Collect- ing bad debts during the day and studying law at night ! Merciful heavens. And I want to say that when you feel that you can't live without him, suicide would be just as rational and and a good deal more lasting than marriage. I sup- pose you think you could marry him and keep on at work as you are now. But that would soon bring him into contempt. It is impossible for a woman to love a man if she has to help support him unless he has lost his health." "Well, then, I might wait until he loses his health and then marry him," I replied, not in re- sentment of what she had said, but in mischief. 170 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner She looked at me and laughed. " Now you give me some little evidence of your good sense/' she said. " Whenever a woman begins to joke you may know that she is going to take the right view of a thing. But really, my dear, you can see that he is weak handsome and weak. He couldn't enforce any respect aside from love and love disobeys and goes wrong a hundred times where respect does once." I didn't believe that. I thought of Olive. No respect that she might have had for Pague could keep her from erring with " Cousin George." Erring! I repeated the word over and over to myself. What was erring? To stifle one's con- science, one's love that was obedience. To yield to nature, to love therein lay a crime. But we live in the world and must abide by the opinion of the world. There was no argument to support the deceit that Olive had begun to practice. I could have startled my aunt by telling her, by showing her that money was not all, but in speak- ing in condemnation of Olive it would seem, in some strange way, that I was to condemn my- self. " I loiow what you're thinking about," said 171 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner my aunt. " You are thinking of the thousands of presumably happy couples that have married poor and worked together for wealth. There have been such cases, it is true, but the world has changed. Life is not the simple, confiding thing it used to be. Remember your own home and shun a poverty marriage. And in the mean- time I think you'd better look for another situa- tion." This stung me. " My present situation is rather a pleasant one," I replied. " I have be- come accustomed to the work I have learned the trade, so to speak, and if I give it up and go to some other office, I shall have to learn all over again." " Perhaps so," she assented. " But you'll give me your word that you'll not encourage the love of that young fellow with any hope on his part that you might possibly marry him. Will you do this?" " He has never asked me to marry him ; he has never hinted as much. When he does I'll give him all necessary discouragement." She thanked me, and, what was pleasanter, she left me to myself. It was a long time before 172 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner I slept that night. The preacher's words droned in my ears, and then would come the resounding notes in Olive's voice the notes of rebellion and of love. 173 CHAPTER XIII. A MAN TO BE REMEMBERED. u morning as I passed through the outer office into my work room Edward looked up from his desk and nodded. He had said, the night be- fore, that he did not feel well. Now he looked as if his bed had brought him no refreshment. His face was sallow. But a sort of melancholy glory burned in his eyes. I could think of no other expression than glory. They seemed to be lighted by an altar fire of the soul, those dark suns and inwardly I trembled as he turned them upon me, for I felt that into them I had cast those saddened lights, those shadows more expressive than lights. Nevum had not yet arrived, and I sat down, wondering if Edward would come into the room, but he did not. But soon there came some one, a man whom I have cause never to forget tall, faultlessly dressed, and more impressive than had he been simply handsome. He wore a beard and parted it in the middle light, with the mer- 174 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner est touch of gray. He bowed, with his hat in his hand, and I saw that his abundant hair, turn- ing gray, was also parted in the middle. He asked if Mr. Nevum were in. I told him no, but that he would surely come within a few moments. His look, if not the cool authority of his slight smile, enjoined consideration, and I brought for- ward a chair and requested him to sit down. He thanked me with a graceful nod, in two sections, a slight poise between them. Upon the table he carefully placed his silk hat, and, slowly taking off his tan-colored gloves, dropped them into it. There was nothing for me to do, and so I simply waited. He looked straight at me. His eyes were large and gray and cool. His brow was high and broad, with two paralleled wrinkles running across it, a railroad track whereon thought was freighted, I mused. On his finger a diamond ring flashed, catching a ray of sun- light that fell through the window. Raising his hand to stroke his beard he threw the light into my eyes. In his presence I felt untidy, and I put up my hand to adjust my hair. He smiled, like the gleam of frost; and, in keeping with the smile, he remarked that the weather was slightly 175 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner cooler. To myself I mused that he would always keep it cool, and to him replied that I thought it was. " Ah, you haven't been here very long, have you?" said he, dazzling me again with his dia- mond. " No, not very long." " And I warrant you would rather be out where the wild grapes are ripening." What did he know about wild grapes? He couldn't have known that many a time I had climbed to dangerous heights to stain my lips with them. " Why do you think that ? Don't I look indus- trious ? " He laughed and it was like the ripple of cool water. " Oh, yes ; but somehow it doesn't seem right that you should be shut up here. Nevum told me about you said that you had come from the country the wild grape country and not the prairies. Your name is Miss Dawson. I am Bayless, the architect." I remembered having heard Nevum say that I ought to meet Bayless, the architect. And I now said that I was pleased to meet him. I was. He had given to me a new sensation, and I re- 176 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner garded him in the light of a discovery while journeying toward the north pole. With one look he seemed to be able to teach self-posses- sion. I wondered how many emotions it would take to thaw him. A man, addressing himself to one whom he believes to be modest, thinks that he must be witty, and, failing in this, is trivial. This man said something which doubtless he hoped to be witty, and. I laughed, with a readi- ness that sounded the proof of spontaneity. This seemed to please him. Then he sat in a study as if trying to think of something to say to me. He asked me if I liked the Fair. I felt that he ex- pected me to say that it was grand, and this was the reason that I didn't say it. I said that it was the holiday of art and industry, and that there- fore I must give to it my approval. He inquired which I represented, the art or the industry, and I regretted that I had offered him this oppor- tunity, for I was not ready with an answer, ex- cept one that any simpleton could have made. After a moment, however, I said that, as I had not the art to be idle, I must represent the indus- try. Again the cool water rippled. If he thawed at all, it was always beneath the ice. I was pleased 177 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner that he did not attempt to force acquaintance by any burst of frankness, as so many men do a pretended roughness to prove that they are with- out guile. I saw that he was cultivated almost to that delightful dulness which society demands. Good breeding is a sort of socialism; it lops off the rebellious twigs of individuality. This man was not an individual; he was a type from an almost exclusive foundry. He was well read he said nothing to prove it, but I could see that he was. I knew that he loved art, of the sort al- most degenerate in its ultra refinement. " Do you expect to make your home here? " he inquired. This was something more serious than I had expected, but I mused that I must not an- swer with anything like truth or solemnity, so I said : " I may remain here indefinitely, but I am afraid I couldn't make a home here." He smiled. " I am a builder of houses, but it is such as you that make homes." This was pure gallantry, and I bowed my ac- knowledgments. Thus matters stood when Nevum entered. I did not wish for him. I won- dered why these two should be friends. " Ah," Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner cried the bad debt collector, " where have you been keeping yourself? " " Beyond the reach of your threats to prose- cute," Bayless replied, shaking hands with him. And then, as if afraid that I might think he was within range of Nevum's constant guns, he added : " If I owed you or any one who em- ployed you, Nevum, I would pay at once or jump into the lake. Ha, I thought that I wanted to see you, on some sort of business, but I haven't been impatient." He glanced toward me, and Nevum replied : " I should think not. It is hardly necessary now to introduce you, is it ? " " Introduce us ? Oh, no, we are old friends." They withdrew into another room and talked for some time. When they returned, the archi- tect bowed to me and took his leave. Nevum said that we had a busy day before us, and began at once to dictate his distressful let- ters. Sometimes he stood near me, and then he would walk up and down the room as if dis- turbed. After a long time he made his usual sign, to show me that I was " dismissed." I turned to the machine and was writing, when he 179 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner remarked : " You remember I spoke about Bay- less?" " Yes, I remember," I answered, pausing in my work. " What do you think of him? " " I don't know. But he seems to be a gentle- man." " Yes, a woman would naturally think so. The fact is," he said, after a brief silence, " I don't know whether I wanted him to meet you or not." " Why not? " I inquired in surprise, or rather what I intended for him to understand as sur- prise. " You said that I ought to meet him." " Yes, I said so at that time. But since then you and I have become better acquainted ; we have had several talks, and one was rather serious. When I said you ought to meet him I had no notion that I should ask you to marry me." "Oh, you didn't," I laughed. "But you haven't asked me right out." " Haven't I ? Well, I intend to." " By correspondence ? And shall I take the letter now ? " :< Well, not right yet." And then, after a short silence : " The last time we talked on the sub- 180 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner ject I believe you acknowledged that you couldn't learn to love me." " Yes, I remember. But I couldn't love any one that I had to learn to love. I think I told you something like that. A love that it might take ten years to learn could be unlearned in a minute, I should think." " The talk of old maids and not of young girls," he replied. " You must have got it from some school ma'am." " No, I didn't get it from any one," I replied, good-humoredly. " I always thought it a piece of what you might term universal wisdom." " Wisdom," he echoed. " Has any one called it wisdom ? " " Yes, I have, and if it is wisdom to me, it is just as potent as if it were wisdom to all the world." He went out of the room and I resumed my work, but shortly he returned and broke in upon me with the remark that young women, not only a few, but all of them, imagined themselves phil- osophers. " It is the result of club life," he added. I replied that I had never been inside of a club. " And besides," I continued, " it seems that clubs 181 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner advocate anything but old fashioned marriage." " Old fashioned marriage ! What sort of mar- riage is that ? " " Marriage for love," I replied. " For nonsense for divorce," he emphasized. " No matter how deserving he might be, do you suppose I'd want my daughter to marry a poor man ? I should think not," he went on. " I know too much about woman for that. She has at last come to realize that a love marriage, unless there's money, means slavery for her. And it's true. There's no way of getting around it. She is always the one to feel that she can't afford this or that. No matter what the hardship may be, she is to bear the hardest part." " Didn't woman always know that ? " I asked him, with a smile. " Not so thoroughly as she does now. I may not be rich " " Then whose cause are you pleading?" I broke in ; and he winced. " Well, woman's cause. Your cause, to be more personal. As I say, I may not be rich, but I have enough to make you happy and to keep you from want." 182 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " How much do you suppose it would take to make me happy and to keep me from want? If you are not very rich, then I have thrown over a higher bidder to consider you. I could have mar- ried a man that was anxious to settle a hundred thousand dollars on me." He whistled. "What sort of a man?" " And old man," I answered. " Oh, an old man." This seemed to relieve his tension. He did not regard himself as being old. When an old man does so regard himself, he is charming. Until he arrives at this stage of common sense, he is an idiot, an ape. Nevum was still an ape. " Marriage is a business," he said. " An active business with some," I replied. " A business. Yes, that was what a South Side preacher said last night. He deplored love." " He knows that young love is an error," said Nevum. " Young love for an old lover? " I asked, and he thrust his hands into his pockets and smiled. " Well, no. An element of judgment enters in with age." 183 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " By the way," I said, " Aunt has advised me to look for another situation." " What, she has ? Have you complained to her ? Aren't you kindly treated here ? Does she think your pay insufficient? " " None of these," I answered. " She is very shrewd. With her eyes closed she can see how things are drifting." " Have you told her that I am in love with you?" " Why should I, when you haven't told me ? " " Minx ! Didn't I ask you to be my wife ? " ' Yes, but, like the preacher, you deplored love." " Oh, no, not on my part. I deplore the acts, the rashness of young girls that fancy themselves in love. But we won't pursue the subject any further at present. There's plenty of time I hope. In the meantime, however, you must not think of looking for another place." He turned to his affairs and I resumed my work. Occasionally I glanced at him; and once when he was assuring an old man that not an- other day could be allowed him, I thought that I had never seen a countenance more wanting in sympathy. 184 CHAPTER XIV. NOT A PLACE FOR SUCH QUESTIONS. At noon-time I left Nevum arguing with a young girl, whose indignant soul strove in the eloquence of despair to save her piano. Edward had gone and there was no one in the outer of- fice. At first I thought that, in view of the " dis- cussion " which the law student and I had en- tered into the night before, I would not go to the restaurant where he and I were accustomed to meet. But, looking in at several places and not finding them to my taste, I went down into the old resort. Edward was at the table where I was in the habit of sitting, and I was about to pass on to another table, when he laughed with good humor. I laughed, too, and thus the ice, if it had formed, was broken. So I sat down beside him. ' You look as fresh as if you had never worked a moment in your life," he said. " Do you feel that fresh?" ' Yes. I have to hold my health down to keep 185 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner it from leaping beyond all restraint. My mother taught me to take physical care of myself." " Just physical care? Was that all? " " Well, with her, physical care, the preserva- tion of looks, meant everything." " She ought to come here and start a sort of Delsarte school. By the way, how is your charm- ing aunt?" " She is about as you left her eyes and ears open." "Did she ask you very many questions con- cerning me ? " " She spoke about you." " And you had to tell her, eh? " "Had to tell her what?" " That I worked for old Nevum during the day and studied the devil's text books at night." " I didn't tell her anything about the text books. I didn't know you called them by that name. Yes, I told her you worked for Nevum and studied law at night." " And what did she say to that? " " Oh, not very much of anything. But she doesn't think that a law student without money has very much of a chance." 1 86 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " She's a wise witch," he said. We gave our orders to the waiter, who with- drew, smiling. There is nothing wiser than ig- norance that has had experience. Aunt has advised me to get another place/' said I. " Has she? I wish you would? " " Why do you wish that? " " Oh, it's not pleasant to reflect that you are shut up there with that gabulous old fraud. Of course he hasn't any money to speak of, but some- times talk rings like dollars and might finally convince. I suppose he's about got to the stage now where he urges that you can learn to love him, and that if you can't it won't make any par- ticular difference." " If he has failed so often, why should you fear that he might conquer me ? " For a few moments he seemed confused. " The fact that I do fear is where the trouble comes in," said he. " Of course I don't know just how strong he is with his case don't know how weak the defense is. I realize that I haven't the right to say a word. You and I have had our talk. But it does seem a shame that a girl of your in- is/ Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner telligence of your appearance, to put it stronger " You can't have very much respect for my in- telligence if you think that with me the word ap- pearance does make it stronger." He bowed his head out of respect to this re- buke. He acknowledged that it was deserved. The waiter came and we were silent. After a time Edward looked about him, to see whether any one were near, and then remarked : " Let me modify my offense and say that it is a shame for a girl of your character and intelligence genius, I might almost say to be subjected to the matrimonial importunities of that old failure. Why do you want to do typewriting? Why don't you devote yourself to some other employment ? " " Typewriting and stenography offered the surest means of support. Any sort of 'profession' would have been an experiment." " But when an experiment is a success, it is the greatest success," said he, and I nodded in compliance with his view. " But," said I, " the outcome of an experiment, no matter how much it may promise, is uncertain. And I was not in a position to undertake an uncertainty," 188 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " I wish I could do something for you," he said. " Thank you," I replied, " and I wish I could do something for you." " You could," he spoke up quickly. " You could encourage me stimulate me to succeed." " Tell me how." " You know how ; every time I look at you I tell you. Don't pretend not to understand. Tell me, do you care for me at all ? " " Hush, this is no place to ask such a question." " But do you? You can say yes or no, can't you?" " I could say both, I suppose." He looked at me with his soul in his eyes. I felt myself drawn toward him felt my lips burning. In the noises, the clatter of the dishes, the orders shouted by the waiters behind the swinging doors, there was a strange music. The sounds that came from the street were music. His eyes were a melody, heard only by my heart. But I conquered myself, so far as he could see, though my heart beat fast, tripped over itself, missed a beat; and I almost smothered. I drank some water. " You don't care," he said. 189 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " I do," I whispered so faintly that I scarcely heard my own words. His eyes blazed. But that was not enough. " Is it that you just do care? " he asked. " Our catechism is ended," said I. " When you have lighted the lamp of hope, is it so difficult to turn it up higher? " " When the blaze might attract attention ? Yes." I arose to go. He begged me to wait a mo- ment, but I hastened to the cashier's desk and then out into the air, my face burning. He did not follow me. At the office Nevum was walking up and down the room. He inquired why I had left the place so suddenly. He had intended to ask me to lunch with him. " You were busy," I answered. " Did the poor girl gain her suit? Did you agree to let her keep the piano ? " He heard my words, but his eyes averted my inquiring look. To mix business and sentiment is like pouring vinegar into milk. " When one owes a debt, a piano is a reproachful luxury," he said. " But if the law permitted, it would be the same with a sewing machine," said I, and he strove to 190 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner rebuke me with his eyes. " You don't understand me/' he said. ' You can never know how many hours I have given to the poor and unfortunate, how I have thundered before juries for them without recompense other than the applause of conscience." I laughed inwardly to think that I was thus arguing with my employer, and I wondered how much of it he would put up with from Edward or any other worker beneath his roof. What a privilege man grants to a glowing cheek. What a power lies in the smile of sex. How impotent is mere virtue ! He asked me if I cared to go that night to the theater. To tell a lie did not require a moment's hesitation. I replied that I had an engagement. " With a man? " he inquired. This necessitated a second's reflection. " With visitors that are going to call at the house." He looked as if he did not believe me. Is it true that a man expects a woman first to tell him a lie and then possibly to modify it into half a truth? He gave me the opportunity to modify; but I insisted that I expected visitors. IQI Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Are you sure it is to-night ? " he asked, giv- ing me more of opportunity. " I am certain." " Well, then, to-morrow night. Have you an engagement then ? " " I think not. But wait until to-morrow and I will answer you definitely." " Is it that you don't care to go with me? " " Oh, no." Some one came in and freed me. I was glad when six o'clock emancipated me from further confinement, and I hastened out, grateful for the fresh air blowing from the lake. 192 CHAPTER XV. THE OLD MAN KEPT AN EYE ON HER. I expected no visitors, of course, but it so chanced that on this night there came Olive and her husband. I saw that my aunt was again charmed with Pague, and when she sighed, shortly after he came, I knew that it was in regret over my having lost him. Clothes that were in- clined to fit him were not therefore becoming, but on this occasion he was tailored into the semblance of a man of importance. He wore black, and a new watch chain gleamed on his lean vest. Soon after arriving Olive expressed a de- sire to run up to my room with me. And she ran, as fast as she could, and standing in the middle of the floor, panting, she cried out: " Freedom." She sat on the edge of the bed. " Oh, I have been dying all day," she moaned. " He hasn't granted to me the boon of getting be- yond his sight one single moment. It was of no use to tell him he ought to go out and attend to his 193 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner business. He said he had none. No, he just stuck there all day and wouldn't budge until I did, and then he followed me." " But he settled the hundred thousand on you/' said I. " Yes, in some sort of a peculiar manner. I am to have no say so in it until he dies, and then it's to be given to me in dribs I believe. I've lost interest in it. But mother looks toward it as if it were the throne of grace. Yes, she does. I never saw anything like it. You remember the day when I first told you about Charley the day my mother commended your mother's good sense for insisting that you should marry Mr. Pague? I said that I just wouldn't. How things do come about. But I didn't know how strong mother was how weak I was. Sometimes I wish I had died. No, I don't, either. But now now I'm not prepared to die. What am I talking about? Who is prepared to die except the one that is dy- ing ? If my mother only knew. But she couldn't believe it. She'd say that no scandal could enter her house. Scandal! But there is none. What is more of a scandal, though, than to live with a man you can not love? One you can hardly re- 194 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner spect? I have suffered. But I have lived lived," she cried, springing from the bed and tak- ing my hands. " Lived think of it. And I prayed tried to pray out the memory of it, but I couldn't. God may not have sanctioned it, but He wouldn't permit it to be blotted out. The sancti- fied by law became the vile. I can't explain I mustn't. Mistress ! God, what a word. But I'm not." She threw herself upon the bed and buried her face in the pillow. I did not know how to soothe her. My aunt called me. " Mr. Pague wants to know if you are coming down soon," she said. " Yes, very soon," I answered. " Don't you see how he hounds me ? " said Olive, getting up. She bathed her face. Why did I look at her with such interest? She was the mystery of sin. " You girls have been talking mischief, I war- rant," said Pague, as we entered the parlor. " Yes," replied Olive. " We've been talking about clothes." "Is that all?" "All," she said. "Isn't that everything?" My aunt asked her how much longer she expected 195 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner to remain in Chicago and she looked at her hus- band. " Not much longer," he replied. " We are going to move into a very I might say, com- modious house in Wheeling. And by the way, Olive, we must select the furniture at once." My aunt's countenance lighted with admira- tion, but Olive was impassive. After a few mo- ments, however, she looked up with interest. " Gypsy and I alone are to select the fittings for at least one room," she said, appealing to Pague. "May we?" ' Yes, I suppose so," he said, and the bright hue of happiness spread over her face. I knew that she reached forth her arm to embrace an- other lawless joy. But I could not find it in my own wayward heart to condemn her. I was vir- tuous enough to try, but I failed. In her infidelity there was a fascination. I say it to my shame, but considering her life and mine, there was; and while it was my weakness to find it so, it was my fault not to strive harder to correct it, to purify myself. Virtue itself cannot withhold ap- plause from the slave that bursts his bonds to rush toward freedom. Freedom is the heritage of man. But Olive permitted herself to be sold 196 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner by her mother. There was a promise of a reward that was not and could not be delivered. This reward was happiness. She had been deceived and she in her turn deceived, not in revenge but to meet the demands of her own love. This is not an argument to me now, but then, young, having almost been sold, it was unanswerable. Pague was restless. Evidently it was his de- sire to cut short his visit. My aunt urged him to stay, but he pleaded weariness. Ah, Olive de- manded life and he gave her decrepitude. When they were gone my aunt asked me if I reflected upon what T had lost. " You mean escaped, don't you ? " I replied. " No, I meant what I said. Why, he is really a man of affairs." Recently she had picked this word " affairs " out of a newspaper, and she made it serve her. " Of affairs," she repeated with the ardor of discovery. " If he were not quite so old he might possibly go to the United States Senate." " But he is quite so old," I replied. " And be- sides, I don't think he has money enough to take him there." " Perhaps not," she admitted, but a moment 197 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner later she added : " But I warrant you he has as much money as Senator Cullum, and he seems to me to be just as smart looks something like him, too." As to his soul she said nothing, knew nothing, could see nothing. Those who worship the ob- vious have but one god money. " Opportunities don't come many times during one life," said my aunt, musing in a spirit of mel- ancholy almost grotesue. " To the average man three times,, and to the woman twice. That is what I've heard old people say. You've had one. Look out for the other." " But, aunt," said I, " suppose that every girl should marry an old man. What would become of the human race ? " " Bah ! The human race. What need you to care for that? A fine education you've had, to sit up here and talk about what is to become of the human race. Your own race is the only one you need to care for. You are the only one that is to run it. Do you know a picture that ought to be hung in every girl's room? A picture of a poor house, with paupers standing about in their misery and humiliation. I might have married 198 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner a wealthy man. But no, I had romantic notions of love and all that sort of foolishness. And what does it all amount to now? What became of that romance? And here I am, having to struggle day and night for a bare living. Oh, it's nothing to smile over. Wait till you find yourself with half a dozen children, in the midst of a freezing winter, with coal bills to contend with. Then you'll smile on the other side of your mouth, I tell you." " But you have no half-dozen children," I re- plied. " And it's the only good luck I possess, the fact that I haven't. If I had, the Lord only knows what would become of us. Now that old man may not go to the senate, but he will go to the grave, and when he does, look at the life opened to that girl. Oh, I know it sounds cold-blooded to speak of it, but if we don't speak of it we prac- tice hypocrisy, and that is worse." " Yes, that may be, but do you think that a girl can be true to a man she doesn't love ? " With both hands my aunt smoothed her hair down upon her forehead. "How true to him? What do you mean? What are you blushing 199 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner about? Do you mean true to her vows? Of course she can, if she wants to." " But suppose she doesn't want to? " " Why, Gypsy, you brazen thing. Are you such an animal that you couldn't be " " Animals are true to instincts and not to vows," I broke in upon her, and she smoothed her hair and looked at me. " Even so," she said. " Yes, a fine way you have been educated. Oh, I know it's the rule among women of today to despise virtue. They want their own way, and where does their own way lead them? Surely you have departed from the teachings of your mother." ' To the extent that I have made an approach toward virtue," I replied; and with her mouth closed my aunt made a sound more expressive of pity and shame than could be set forth by word. Seeing that I had almost offended her, I strove to placate her, and soon I told her that Nevum had asked me to go with him to the theatre. 'Well, what's to prevent your going?" she replied. " I think it was very nice and consider- ate of him. Probably he'll take you to dinner, and you can go from down town without having 2OO Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner to come home. Women don't dress very much for the theatre here, you know, unless it's on some special occasion." That night I lay a long time, thinking, wonder- ing looking upward through the window at the stars. 2OI CHAPTER XVI. WITHOUT SAYING GOODNIGHT. On my way to the office I said to myself that I would not go to the theatre with Nevum. It was not that I desired to stand counter to the ad- vice and the wishes of my aunt ; it was not that in any way I might hold out an invitation to any sort of temptation. It was because I dreaded to see a shadow fall from some dark cloud into Ed- ward's eyes. And those eyes, they beamed upon me the moment I opened the door of the office. Nevum had not arrived. Edward came into the room. " To find that after a night's work I had become acquainted with a principle " I looked inquiringly at him as he began this speech and he hesitated. He had doubtless rehearsed it and it had faded from his mind. ' You'd better start all over again," said I, opening my desk and proceeding to arrange the papers. " Yes, I will. I was going to say that hereto- 202 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner fore if I got at one single principle or problem in a night I'd done well, but last night I must have mastered a whole book. Do you know why? That word of encouragement you gave me that spark from you which ignited me." " But this is not the place to speak of it," I replied, looking toward the door. " No," he said, with a drooping air, " and there doesn't seem to be any place. But all places are the same with love." " But all love is not the same with places," I laughed; and he drooped still more, and tried to look cross at me. " Come, now," he said, moving closer to me, his eyes glowing. " But you mustn't come now," I replied, shak- ing my head. " You'll make me sorry I gave you the encouraging word." " Don't say that. You'll undo everything. Shall I tell you about last night, how my mind leaped upon everything and devoured it ? " " No, not now. We haven't time. Mr. Nevum will be here in a moment." " Well, but what of it ? Are we to scurry like 203 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner rats when he comes in? He's not our master, is he?" " He's our pay master." " Ah, there it is pay, everything pay. What hope is there for a man what hope is there for love, when everything stands upon the basis of pay money? I read speeches and sermons where virtue is upheld. I hear men say that the dollar is not the aim of life; but give them the opportunity and they prove their words false. I'd better go back to Kansas where they still have ideas aside from money." He was sincere, no doubt, but he was theatric. He was making a virtue of his poverty. He did not move me other than with the spirit of levity. I laughed and he reproached me. He said that my heart was hard. Then he said that I had no heart. Chicago had crushed it. I replied that I had come to Chicago to keep my heart from being crushed; and not even distress could look upon this idea with gravity, and then he laughed. " They told me when I came that this was the most commercial of all towns," said I, " but I find that every day they mingle love with busi- ness. And such love, too outstripping senti- 204 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner ment, rushing like a telegram. I hear Mr. Nevum." Edward withdrew, and shortly afterward Nevum came in, condemning the elevator for having kept him waiting. He grabbed at every- thing, brushed papers about, said that he was in a rush, and began to pour out his letters of threats and distress as fast as I could take them. One was to the girl who had begged so hard for her piano. He told her that he had consulted his client, had urged that more time be given, but had been told that it could not be allowed. He was sorry. Therefore, unless an installment of ten dollars were paid within twenty-four hours a constable would call upon her with an execu- tion. When he gave me the sign that I might now go to work, the preliminaries of taking the letters being regarded as mere play, I said to him : " I beg your pardon, but have you seen the client the one who is after the piano? " "How's that?" he inquired. I repeated the question. " Oh, have I seen him ? Well, .yes, I suppose so. If I haven't seen him I guess I've heard from him either that or shall pretty soon if I don't hurry things up a bit." 205 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " I feel very sorry for that poor girl," said I. " Life has gone hard with her and she is strug- gling. I believe she will pay eventually. Couldn't you give her a month longer ? " " I don't see how I can. It wouldn't be busi- ness, you know." " I suppose not. It would be too generous to be business." I proceeded with my work. Several men called, at different times; and when the last one was gone, Nevum turned to me and said : " Oh, about going to the theatre tonight. Have you made up your mind? " " Yes, I think I have. I have decided not to go with you." "May I ask why?" " The theatre," said I, " is a place where the human heart is supposedly reflected ; and, in going there we ought to be accompanied with as much heart as possible. You have shown me, by your refusal to allow that girl more time, that you have no heart, no sympathy, which is the atmos- phere, the vapor of heart; and therefore I don't care to go with you." 206 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner He looked at me as if he did not know whether to scowl or to smile. " That is surely a woman's way of putting it," said he. " But don't you know that such whims interfere with business ? " " Yes," I replied, " and don't you know that for a business man to go to the theatre with his stenographer also interferes with business ? " He laughed and turned about to receive a note from a messenger boy. When the boy had gone out, Nevum said : " A woman may struggle half a life time to be a moralist and then during the remaining half she may struggle to forget it." " I haven't yet arrived at the forgetting age," I answered, looking at him and observing lines and shadows on his face that I had not seen be- fore. " Well," he spoke up, " what's your proposi- tion?" " It may not be worth considering it may be foolish. But write another letter to the girl, tell her that you will grant her a month, and I will go with you tonight." " Ah, very generous on your part thus to sac- 207 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner rifice yourself, I'm sure. Will you take dinner with me down town?" " Yes," I answered, without hesitation. " At any restaurant I may select ? " " At any respectable restaurant." " Oh, I wouldn't take you to any other sort." " There is no other sort before hand," I re- plied. " Hah, I can perceive the influence of that shrewd aunt of yours." * Yes, in my consent to go with you at all." " What's that ? I don't quite understand. Does she favor your going with me ? " " She believes as you do, that money is every- thing." " As I do ? I don't believe that way. But your aunt is a very considerate woman. Well, write the letter to the girl and tell her I've finally in- duced my client to grant her one month. And after this piece of generosity we ought to feel in good humor with ourselves." I wished to avoid Edward his shadowy eyes ; and at noon time I stole out and went to a new restaurant. But I was far from being happy, and every time the door swung I expected him to 208 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner come in with his wounded look. I could picture him, sitting with his gaze on the door, waiting for me. Then I fell to musing as to how deep and enduring was his love for me, whether it were real sentiment or mere passion. Of the lat- ter quality I knew but little. But instinct is the surest teacher and I was not wholly ignorant. It has been said that the little girl with a doll is a mother; and the speculations of inexperience are sometimes pictures of truths hung in golden frames. Edward was not in the office when I returned. Some one else was there, one of whom I had often thought since seeing him Bayless, the architect. He was sitting aS if waiting for the camera to snap, with his cheek lying reflectively in his hand, elbow on the table; and with a grace that it was pleasing to behold, he arose and bowed pro- foundly. He said that he had no business, neither with Nevum nor with any one else in the office, but that as he was passing, thought that he would drop in for a moment. How faultless was his dress; how exact his slow enunciation! It seemed to me that he must have been the author of all the phrases in my old copy book. Gently 209 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner taking hold of a consonant, he made it a vowel of liquid music. All had been so well learned as to be natural. I looked at his gray hair, so parted and polished; and he seemed to speak in silvery strands. He was a slowly moving picture of automatic dignity. A cool rebuke to all foibles, a lecture upon the unities of life, with a smile of pity for all emotion, with a silent compliment for all intellectual reserve, he appeared to me a sov- ereign, in need of no crown to complete his roy- alty. When in my mind I sought to criticise him, he met it with a look, a gesture, and it faded into a sort of thin admiration. All women must ad- mire him, I thought ; and yet I wondered whether he could compel the unrestrained outburst of any woman's love. " You remind me very much of a picture I found in Venice, an etching," said he; and it would have been girl-like to make fun of the pic- ture, but I did not. I said that I should like to see it. " Some time I may have the pleasure of showing it to you," he replied. " You have her form, her hair and her eyes, suggest yours." He did not say that mine suggested hers, and this pleased me, this delicate discrimination in my 210 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner favor. Footsteps approached the door. They passed, and I was glad that it was not quite time for Nevum to return. But Edward ! Had I for- gotten him for a moment? Yes, but only as we forget the glow of a sunset to look upon a pearl- hued cloud. " I did not bring home with me many works of art," he said. Many works of art! He spoke of them as I should have spoken of leaves and grasses gathered in the country. I could imagine my aunt warming toward him, not that she cared for art or knew what it meant, but that it in- volved money. " But this picture enraptured or rather en- gaged me." Enraptured was a little too strong for him. " It was in the lowly house of a marble cutter and bore no name. But now I shall call it ' Gypsy.' If you do not object," he added, smiling; and I thought of a clear morning when the frost sparkles on the sapless grass. " Ah, I beg your pardon, but would you mind telling me something about yourself, your early life?" I could have replied that I was not a pioneer, to have had an early life ; I did, and he laughed, 211 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner and I thought of snow shaken from the leaves. But the snow sparkled, and I was pleased. Then I told him of the hills near my old home, of the wild grape vines, of the black-haw trees, of the fox den beneath the cliff, of rocks and of a little stream that photographed the sun all day long; and he said that he could see me amid these surroundings, happy, with my ringletted hair in a black flame about my shoulders. " And you gave it all up to come here to live in this grim foundry," he added; and if his eyes had not been so cool I should have thought them sympathetic. ' Yes, because I did not wish to see it spoiled ruined. But I don't look upon Chicago as a foundry. Nowhere is there greener grass than in the parks and the Fair is a picture of all the world reduced." " Very good," he answered. " Very. But you spoke of leaving home to keep from spoiling it all. What do you mean by that? How could your remaining there have ruined it all ? " He invited respect, but not flippant confi- dences ; and I felt that to tell him, on so short an acquaintance, would seem on my part 'a want of 212 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner that reserve which he must so much admire; so, laughingly, in order not to appear too serious, I replied that I might tell him when he should show me the Venetian girl. " Ah, if you had not said that so laughingly I might have requested you to appoint a time, the sooner the better," he replied; and he looked at me, half hoping, I fancied, to find me solemn ; but I laughed again, fearing that a bearing of too much gravity might make it appear that I was bidding for an invitation. Now for a time we did not speak, the noises from the street seeming to freight a silence into the room. I wondered if Edward had returned. " If I lived in your state," said the architect, " I should be grieved to remember that my fath- ers cut a new state off from that old land of tra- dition and romance." This touched me. I had often thought of it, sorrowfully, not that I deplored the cause, but that I lamented the effect. Old Virginia was lordly, and with the delicate sympathy of the true aristocrat, had first advocated the abolition of the slave trade. I spoke of it, this spirit of hu- manity, these tender hearts beating beneath im- 213 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner ported silk and embroidered waistcoats; and he replied : " Ah, yes, a bit of history not particularly em- phasized in the public schools. It may be of no interest to you, but my parents were from Old Virginia. They settled in Ohio. If they had re- mained where I was about to say where they belonged I should doubtless have been an artist instead of an architect." " But now you are both," I replied. For a moment his countenance looked as if the sun were shining upon it, but I knew that the sky was overcast with a veil of fleecy clouds. Nevum entered, pretending to be in a great hurry. " Ah," he cried, upon seeing Bayless, " I was thinking about you a moment ago." " I hope you were thinking of building a mar- ble temple and of assigning the plans to me." " It was not of a marble hall," replied Nevum, " but since it was only a dream it wouldn't have been any more extravagant to have substituted alabaster for brick. I was thinking of building a house." " Ah," laughed Bayless, " and you thought I would be pleased to put your plans into lines and 214 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner cornices and to make you a present of them. You thought of me because you presumed I wouldn't charge you anything because you have enter- tained me with some of your distresses. I don't suppose you ever noticed it," he added, speaking to me, " but it is a fact that when a man tells you his collection of hard luck stories he feels that he has taken you into his confidence to a degree that should, on your part, waive all financial obliga- tion." I replied that I had not noticed it, but that it had a plausible aspect and that it was doubtless true. He rewarded me with a smile for having showed a disposition to decide in his favor. Nevum shook his head with assumed gravity. " Our friend Bayless," said he, " is almost enough of a poet to pretend that he despises money." " Very true, Nevum," Bayless replied, " but I haven't as yet attained to that state which might warrant me to work for you without pay." Two men joke each other and forget. Two women joke and remember. One woman recalls that the other woman has said a sharp and un- 215 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner gentle thing. If such a thing has not been said, it has been looked. That is worse. Nevum and Bayless, putting their heads closer together, began to talk of church affairs. I gath- ered from what they said that if put upon oath they both of them would have confessed to a creed. They would have acknowledged being Christian. " The way to wipe out a church debt is to increase it," said Nevum. " Build a new church, add the old debt, arouse the pride of the congregation with the beauty of the new struc- ture, and there you are soon to emerge from financial trouble. Old men are ready to build new churches. They wish to flatter the Lord. I've got some figures somewhere. Out here, I think." He withdrew from the room. Bayless came over closer to me. " He is about to turn this casual call into business," said he. " But I'm sorry he broke into our conversation. I should like to continue it. Would you object to my call- ing on you some evening? Please give me your address." On a slip of paper I wrote it for him. He put the paper into his pocket. Nevum entered. 216 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " Here they are," he said. Then for a time they talked business, their voices sinking into a beehive hum. But occasionally the eyes of the architect wandered off, to a map on the wall, to the window, to me; and I was pleased to arrest his wandering look, to receive it into my eyes, for a woman has achieved a conquest over the greatest of her rivals when she draws a man's mind from "business." During a long time they continued to talk, low in their stiff collars, secrets of their church, scandals, perhaps; and I pro- ceeded with my work, but did not dismiss the architect, for occasionally I looked toward him, with a tickling of my vanity when his eyes met mine. He pleased me by causing me to be pleased with myself. I flattered myself through him. I saw Edward's face through the glass door. It vanished instantly. But in one moment I saw enough pain and distress to cast a recurrent sor- row over the afternoon a coming and a going and then a coming back of a deep regret, a throb- bing ache. Now I desired that the architect should go. In giving my mind to him I felt that I had done injury to Edward, though in no way had I acknowledged that I was bound to him. At 217 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner last Bayless arose to take his leave. At this mo- ment I struck a z in place of an x, and in halting to erase it, looked toward the architect. He bowed to me. When he was gone Nevum said: " You two seem to have had quite a visit and to have become pretty well acquainted." " It does not take long to become acquainted when the way has been prepared," I replied. " You desired that we should meet, you know." " All women are the embodiment of one an- other. They never forget a man's mistake," he said, looking upon me as if he had discovered a deplorable truth. " One day I happened to men- tion him, as well, a sort of artist, a man out of the common. I didn't think I had been dele- gated by Fate to bring you together." " If we enter into a discussion now," said I, " it will take us the entire evening to explain our- selves to the interruption of the play." " Oh, you are still in the humor to keep your promise, eh? Very well. And to take dinner with me. Very well again." From this time until half after six I was busy, looking often toward the glass door, with the throbbing, the coming and going of the regret; 218 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner but I did not see Edward's face again. When Nevum and I went out, the office was deserted. He said something about a private dining room, but I cut him off with an objection. He did not presume to argue with me, but said that I was the one to be pleased. I did not think that this was true, but said nothing. We entered a place that was too curtain-drawn to be wholly without suspicion. It was up one flight of stone steps. From the hall corridor an elevator was constantly taking men and women to the floors above. Nevum looked toward the elevator and then at me. I shook my head. We then went into the public cafe. There were not many persons in the room, but every one present, both men and women, gazed at me. I thought of Charlotte Corday when the string broke, reveal- ing her bosom to vulgar eyes. But if I were an assassin it was not of tyranny but of my own modesty. 'Nevum divined the cause of my blushes, for I must have blushed. " The place is eminently respectable," said he. " These people are foreigners and are paying you the compli- ment of their admiration." Vanity, the rose water that cools a blush! I 219 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner was soothed; not only that, I was flattered. For my mother I had danced in drop-stitch stockings. My love for admiration dated back to the nest. It had been fed often, but never gorged. I was hungrier for it than I was for food. " You look handsomer than I ever saw you," said Nevum. A German with twirled-up mus- tache was gazing at me. Nevum asked me if I would not do him the honor to drink a glass of wine. I wanted it, but declined. He did not urge me. " You must not make me appear cheap," was his mild protest. The meal was any- thing rather than cheap. It was a feast worthy of all remembrance, to an epicure a gratification and to a novice a surprise. As we were going out, the twirled-up mustache stared at me. I thought of my dress, my working clothes, and resented his impudence. I do not remember much of the play. The ma- jority of plays are like dreams. No matter how vivid, they leave but an indistinct vision in the mind. To endure, they must be read. Then they may be mused over, the strong parts read again and again. But you cannot go back over a vision to note its beauties. It moves away from 220 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner your touch, like a fog. Once when the foot-lights were lowered, I thought of Edward's downcast look. I wondered if he were sighing over me. Did I wish him to sigh over me ? I did. It were a tribute, a conquest and therefore was sweet. And the architect. Did I wish him to sigh ? Yes. They say that vanity is frail. But sometimes it is strong. It is willing to torture itself that it may afterward enjoy a victory. Edward's face at the glass door was a torture, but it was a vic- tory. As we came out upon the sidewalk, Nevum said that he would take me home in a carriage. I drew back ; but he had by this time spoken to a hackman. The door of the vehicle was opened. Fearing to create a scene, I entered. We rolled away with a sort of velvety motion. The air was soft the streets seemed to be of down. "Did you like the play?" he inquired. He was close to me. I gave him more room. " I don't know exactly. There were not many pretty dresses." " Dresses ! Is that all there is to art dresses?" " About all there is to woman's art." 221 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " I don't think you believe that." " Whether I believe it or not, you can't help but see it's true. I ought not to have gone into that eminently respectable restaurant, dressed as I was." "You could not. have looked more like a pic- ture. You were entrancing. You brought in a new atmosphere ; you cast a spell over the place." He touched my hand. I withdrew it. " I beg your pardon," he said, as if it had been an acci- dent. " As I looked upon your glowing cheeks tonight, I wondered how your heart could be so cold," he said. ' There is a glow in the sunlight reflected from ice," I replied, laughing. " Ah, that was it, a northern light," he said with a gurgle. " Ah, but snow-capped moun- tains may be volcanic and may gush forth fire," he added. I gave him more room. " You seem to be afraid of me." I pretended to be surprised. " Afraid of you ? Why?" " I don't know. And your heart may one day gush fire celestial fire. You could enchant a god." 222 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " I would rather inspire a plowman." I said this because I thought it poetic. ' 'Ah," he quickly replied, " but if you should you would then leave him helpless." " The inspired don't need help. They con- quor." " Then if you should inspire a plowman you would give yourself to him." " Perhaps he would take me. I could not de- fend myself against the power of my own in- spiration." " But why think of a plowman ? There is no man that would not be proud of you, your ap- pearance, your mind." " I didn't know I had a mind." " Don't blaspheme the source of such an en- dowment. It is a constant marvel to me, a won- der never ceasing. You were surely intended for great things." ' To beg for girls that they may keep their pianos." " Please don't speak of that," he said in tones of pleading. He was so near me now that I could feel him trembling. " You make me believe that 223 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner your coming with me was but a sacrifice. Was it?" " Dinners, music, theatres are not sacrifices. They are pleasures." " Thank you. But speaking of your mind. You are intended for something better than " " Writing duns," I broke in. " Well, yes. Better than working at all. You ought to adorn a home." " Any one who has a home ought to adorn it," I replied. " Why do you quibble so ? Why don't you at least try to be serious?" " We are never serious when we try, but when we can't help it." " Well, then, why don't you be serious with- out trying? But wait a moment before you say something to sidetrack me. You said a moment ago that any one who has a home ought to adorn it. That is true. And is it not true, also, that in the economy of this life every one every woman ought to have a home? Have you ever thought of that?" " Yes, I have thought of it." 224 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " But I offer you a home and you refuse it. You said you could not love me." He was so serious, and this id^a was so ridic- ulous. With my handkerchief I smothered the noise of my laughter. Saying that I could not love him was refusing a home. I shrieked in- wardly. " Don't you remember ?" he went on. " Surely you do." It was with an effort that I replied : " Yes, I remember saying that I could not love you." " Do you still hold that opinion ?" " The truth remains the same. It was not merely an opinion." " I could make you happy." " Which is to say that you could compel me to be happy. Real happiness is a privilege that we permit one to enjoy. W r e might compel sub- mission but not happiness." " Quibbling again. Whose foolish dialogues did you study at school? Who strove with va- porous logic to smoke the truth out of your mind?" " That is very good. I like you best when you talk that way. You give me something to 225 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner think over, to remember and to wonder as to what you could have meant." " But when my meaning is perfectly clear and honorable; then you don't like me so well. I have asked you to be my wife and you con- tinue to quibble." "I thank you for your complimentary lack of judgment as to myself. But I can't accept the honor. I should nof make you a good wife. A domesticated vanity is a very pretty adornment, but my vanities have not all of them been 'tamed/ I shudder at the thought of fetters unless I should forge them myself. The King of Cypress was chained with gold, but he was nevertheless a prisoner." " Come, please don't talk like a librarian. Be a natural woman." " But you are asking me to be unnatural. You want me to marry you and that, too, when I have said that I can't love you. If I could love you, pleading on your part would not be neces- sary. I would rush to your arms and almost strangle you with affection." He sighed. " You are a puzzle to me. We see precocious children, but a precocious wom- 226 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner an is unnatural, almost unheard of, a sarcasm directed at her own sex." I had heard this be- fore from the Judge. Nevum continued : " I tell you that I am a man accustomed to talk on knotty points, tangled phases of life to juries who hold life or death in their hands. Circum- stances have forced me into a distasteful business, but I shall get out of it. I am not too old. I have a daughter about grown, but I married young." " I don't doubt that you are fitted by educa- tion and experience for better work. I don't question that you are sincere, at this moment. But the spirit that stimulates argument now, would, if we were married to each other, foster quarreling. You have paid tribute to my mind. But don't you know that mental and moral qual- ities are not necessarily twin sisters ? They may not be even second cousins. In fact they may be strangers." " But gracious alive," he exclaimed, " you don't mean to hint that you are not wholly moral, do you?" " I'm not hinting at all. I am saying. But I don't know to what degree I am moral. I have never been tried. My classmate was tried and 227 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner she I don't know whether to say that she fell or arose. She embraced nature. She set aside her unnatural vows. I might possibly do the same. The warmth of my heart might lull my brain to sleep." He protested that he could not believe me. He swore that he would trust me to the end of the world. " And at the end of the world," said I, " there might be a jumping off place. Suppose I should jump? I wish that I could be frank without giving offense." " I don't see how in the name of God you could be more frank," he replied, with a groan. " If you think anything else, say it. Don't think to spare me." ' Well," said I, " mystery of sex is the stim- ulous of marriage. Old men I beg your par- don old men do not come with that mystery. With them the mystery seems to have been solved. You do not appeal to me sexually." " God, what frankness," he groaned. " I wish you had said, God what sense," I re- plied. He sighed deeply and said : " You talk like a professor of physiology." And after a few 228 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner moments he added : " Then you place sexuality above everything." " In the matter of marriage love ? Yes. Na- ture has done so. And when we oppose na- ture, we suffer for it." For a long time we were silent. The carriage rolled on, street lamps flashed glimpses of light in upon us. I was not acquainted with the land- marks, but it seemed from the time consumed that we must be nearing my home. I did not wish to resume the conversation. I had spoken with a freedom that had surprised even my- self, but I did not regret a word. I drew a sort of contentment, not to say a congratulation, from the belief that I had been honest. " I never expected to hear a young woman talk that way," said Nevum. " So you refuse to be my wife." " I would not be so harsh as that. I decline to be your wife; and, very much for your good." " More unnecessary boldness. If all women should talk to all men as you have talked to me, there wouldn't be any more marriages." " Perhaps not," I assented. 229 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner " And the race of man would come to an end," said he. " That wouldn't hurt the past and there wouldn't be any future to care," I replied; and a glimpse of light revealed that he was pressing his hand to his forehead. " It is evident that you don't care for the love of an honest man." " Honesty does not necessarily stimulate love. A woman loves because she can't help it and not because she has a reason for loving. Every woman who loves is doomed to suffer, no mat- ter how much she may be loved in return. Her own love enslaves her." " Ah," he cried, " that is my argument. It proves that she ought not to love so much, that without this intoxication she really would be happier. Let love be a heightened friendship. Let it manifest itself not in delirium but in the adornment of a home." The carriage slackened its speed, veering to- ward the side walk. " Here we are," said I. He took my hand. I did not resist him. Since there was so perfect an understanding it could be in no other spirit than that of respect. 230 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner But he attempted to put his arm about me, to kiss me. I turned upon him with a force that must have left no doubt as to my feelings. The old fool had mistaken my frankness. He tried to apologize, saying repeatedly that he meant no harm, but I left him without saying good night. 231 CHAPTER XVII. SAID SHE WAS SILLY. My aunt had gone to bed but I went to her room, gave an account of the night, and told her that I should have to seek another place. She sat up in bed, for a time too indignant to speak; and when she spoke she said: "Trying to compel you to marry him, and the chances are that he rents the house he lives in." And so to her, his crime was that he was not sufficiently well off. I emphasized the fact that he had unmannerly striven to kiss me, and she said : " Yes, and it shows how he was brought up. But did he tell you how much he was worth ? " " No aunt, and I didn't care. I wouldn't mar- ry him even if he owned half of the South Side." " Oh, don't be extravagant, my dear," she re- plied. " Be reasonable, at least." And then she added : " I don't think you'll have any trouble in finding another situation. Good looking girls never do. But my dear, you must curb your 232 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner opinions. A woman to get along well with men shouldn't have any opinions, except on trivial matters. Try to remember this. I am older than you and therefore have more experience, and I know that opinions have hurt me, many and many a time. If you think of a bright thing, try to engineer it so that the man may say it. Laugh. You've got good teeth so laugh. That will be an answer to every question. Well, to- morrow you may go down and find another place. You'd better send a note very early tell- ing that Nevum you are not coming. And re- mind him to send any little balance that may be due you, out here at once. You'll find a letter for you on the mantelpiece." The letter was from my mother. After say- ing that she thought she would write me a few lines she informed me that Samuel was not do- ing much of anything, that she needed several articles of dress and that as soon as I could I must send her some money. " While you are living in luxury you must remember those who are not so fortunate," said she, underscoring luxury. " I know you will smile at me, but there is going to be a ball over at Howerson's and I 233 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner want to go, especially as they have invited me most cordially; and you know that they are at the top of our heap. So, if you can fit me out with any little thing, please do so. Annie Pat- terson, nee Sampson, you remember, was over the other day, and a more miserable woman I never saw. She married for love, you remem- ber, bidding defiance to her mother's advice. She could have done well, but she chose to do otherwise. The man she married worked hard enough, and he seems to think a great deal of her, but she lives in a mean little old house and no one cares to go to see her. And why? Not because they don't think just as mudTof her as ever they did, but for the reason that they don't care to look upon her in her want. There was a case of most passionate love for you, and what has it amounted to? Misery. Remember that. Misery. I suppose you see Olive quite frequent- ly. Her mother has just received a letter from her, saying that she spent the night with you not long ago. And she is so happy. I never gave Olive credit for very much sense thought she was giddy and all that but I must say she has turned out to the credit of the family." 234 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner I wrote to her that night, enclosing more money than I could spare. I smiled to think that Olive had shed such luster upon the fam- ily name. I recalled the girl who had married for love and so miserably; at school she had been bright, in society a sort of belle. The neighbors said that she had thrown herself away, on that man, that honest but unfortunate man, and doubtless she had. She would teach her daughters to marry for money. Early in the morning I dispatched a note by messenger to Nevum, telling him that under the circumstances I could not possibly come to his office again. I thought of sending some word to Edward, but decided not to, that it might bring him out to the house and involve me in an argument or at least a discussion with my aunt. I knew that he would come soon; and I was possessed of a sort of hunger to see him, to say something that might drive the shadows from his eyes. And yet I felt that the time would soon come when I should have to defend my- self against him, his love, his passion, his beg- ging me to marry him. It had been so sweet, so freshly sweet to indulge my fancy, to permit Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner my mind to enwrap him in fondness. But now I must steel myself against myself. My mother was not wholly wrong. Love has no common sense; passion looks only upon the present; so while there was common sense left to me, it ought to protect me. I must be sane. Before starting upon an indefinite round, to look for a situation, I called at the hotel to see Olive. A rap on her door was answered by an invitation, in her voice, to enter. I did so; and she and Pague both looked as if they might have just reached the " curtain " of a little scene. She was lolling on a sofa, book in hand, eyes red. He was sitting at a table with a sort of blank book open before him. Olive sprang up, em- braced me, kissed me on both cheeks. Pague held out his hand and said that he was more than pleased to see me. He could have made his as- sertion more pleasing had he added : " And I must go now." But he didn't; he closed his book, crossed his legs and twirled his thumbs. " We have just had a row over my cousin," said Olive. " Not a row, my dear," replied Pague. " Yes, Gypsy, a positive row. I told him just 236 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner now that when we returned home he mustn't speak of having seen Cousin George here the fact is, you, know, he left the military school with- out permission. And Mr. Pague says that his mother ought to be apprised of the fact. But that isn't all. Mr. Pague doesn't want me to see him any more." " Now my dear, I didn't say that," Pague in- terposed. " I said that it didn't look well for you to be together so often. There's no harm in it, I'm sure, but people will talk, you know." " And he has complained of expenses," said Olive. " Oh, I never thought it could come to this complaining of what little pleasure I take in being here. He has actually said that we couldn't afford it. Oh, I never thought it could come to that." " You are wrong, my dear," Pague insisted. " I said I couldn't afford to lose so much time from my business. I must look after my affairs or after a while I'll have nothing to look after." " Well," she cried, " why don't you give me the money you promised me? Then you can go on and look after your affairs. No, you think I'm a child to be scolded and then petted and 237 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner then sent to bed. But I'm not. I am a woman." " I believe you are, my dear," he agreed, " and I am trying to treat you as such. The fact is that I must go home tomorrow." " Then will you let me go out and stay with Gypsy tonight? Do this and I will consent to go home." " Your aunt keeps a boarding house, I be- lieve," said Pague, speaking to me. And then, nodding at Olive, he continued : " We can both go out there tonight and remain until it is time to go to the train. Will that plan suit you?" " No, it won't. It shows that you don't trust me. Do you suppose that two young women want a man stuck around all the time? Don't you know that two girl friends have little se- crets so foolish that that they don't want any man to hear them? No, the fact is, Mr. Pague, you haven't any confidence in me. Oh, it's that and you needn't say it isn't. You have found fault with me because I can't sit up like a law- yer and talk about business. You turn my youth to flaws. Yes, you do, and you know it. And this is what I get for loving you." She turned about upon the sofa and buried her 238 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner face in a pillow. Pague arose with a sigh, went to her, sought to soothe her, slipped his hand beneath the pillow, drew her head up against his breast and spoke tender and foolish words. But she sobbed that he had no confidence in her. Finally he told her that he would give his con- sent; and she arose with a smile, the tears gleaming in her eyes; and she threw her arms about him and kissed him and then flew to me and then back again to him to reward him with another kiss. Soon after this re-establishment of perfect confidence, and while Olive was sit- ting on the sofa beaming pleasure from her eyes, I remarked that I was out to look for a place, and that, too, without a " character " from my former employer. Olive declared that she would go with me. Pague objected. "Why not?" she asked, pouting. " Well, because well, I don't want you to go into office buildings as if you were looking for work." " Oh, are office buildings such dreadful places?" she inquired. "I thought they were places of business and not traps for women," she went on. " But of course you ought to know. 239 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner You have been about them a good deal. How- ever, if they are not fit for me, surely they are no place for you. A man oughtn't to go anywhere if he is ashamed to have his wife go there. No, he oughtn't." " Olive," he cried, losing patience, " for the Lord's sake don't be silly." " Silly," she repeated. " Oh, now I under- stand you. You think I'm silly. You don't want me to go out alone because you think I might disgrace you. Why didn't you tell me that before? You were wrong to keep it from me. I wouldn't have treated you that way. But I'm going just the same. Did you hear what I said? I said I was going just the same." " If you go, I go," he replied. " Oh, you are ? Now that would be a pretty come off, wouldn't it? All of us trooping in, asking for a job. They would take us for your granddaughters and think we were out trying to get work to support you. Yes, by all means go with us, dear." :< Well, how long will you be gone ?" he in- quired, looking at his watch. " I can't tell as to that," I replied. " It might 240 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner not take more than half an hour and it might take all day. It is necessary that I should find a place and I must keep at it until I do." I arose to go. Olive took down her cloak and hat. " Come on," she said to him. " No, I won't go," he replied. " It seems that your only thought is to get away from me and it would be cruel not to indulge you. Go on. Take good care of her, Miss Gypsy." Out in the corridor Olive clutched my arm and giggled. " Oh, the free air," she said. 241 CHAPTER XVIII. FEELING ABOUT FOR HIS HAT. The early autumn sun was glorious. Cham- pagne bubbles were rising in the air, bursting, intoxicating us. " Let us go to the Fair," said Olive. " There is plenty of time to get a situa- tion, and such days as these don't come often. It is a poem, so new that it doesn't seem ever to have been read before. Look at it, the leaves are uncut." She almost danced along the side- walk. " Let us at least make a pretense," I replied. " We'll go up here." We entered a large real estate office. A young man came forward to a railing and asked as to whom we wished to see. I told him that I desired to speak to the head of the firm con- cerning employment. He inquired if I had en- tered into correspondence with him. I pretended that I had. This deception amused Olive, and it ought to have caused me to blush, but it didn't. 242 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner We were shown into a private office. The man- ager, a young and brisk man, regarded us with surprise. He was all " business " and I saw that no levity would be tolerated by him. It is easier to natter age than youth. The manager inquired if he could be of any service to us. I told him without a smile that I was looking for employment as a stenog- rapher. " I don't know but your visit is timely," he replied. " I think we need another girl." He touched a button. A bell rang. A man ap- peared. " Ask Roland if he needs a stenog- rapher." The man withdrew. I tried to look " busi- ness " at the manager. The man returned and said that Mr. Roland would see me. We passed through a large office where there was a hail- storm of typewriting. No one looked up at us. Within a railed off square sat another man that looked like " business." He glanced at us and inquired which one was it that desired employ- ment. Upon receiving the information he seemed pleased. He asked as to the salary I had received formerly. I told him, making it just 243 Merciful Unto Me, a Sinner a little higher. " Very well, call tomorrow morn- ing and we may enter into an arrangement," said he. " Why, how easy it was," said Olive as we went out. " And look at the money you'll get almost enough to dress on. But more than all that you are free free. You don't know what that word implies. It's the most beautiful word in the language. Every time I get out I repeat it over and over to myself." She continued to repeat the word over and over. " But where are we going now ?" she in- quired.