* u HANS BREITMANN / \ TJIsTX) ILLUSTRATED BY FRANK BEARD, JESSE HANEY & CO., PUBLISHERS. 1869. HANS BKEITMANN UND HIS PHILOSOPEDE. BY CHARLES G. LELAND. ILLUSTRATED BY FRANK BEARD. JKSSE HANEY & CO., PUBLISHERS. 1869. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S69, by CHARLES G. LELAND, la the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Unite 1 States, for the Southern District of New York. O L O C K ! BY HANS BKEITMANN. HERR SCHNITZERL make a philosopede, Von of de pullyest kind ; It vent mitout a vheel in front, Und hadn't none pehind. Von vheel vas in cle inittel, dough, Und it vent as shure ash ecks, For he shtraddled on de axel dree Mit der vheel petween his leeks. Und veil he vent to shtart id off He paddlet mit his veet, Und soon he cot to go so vast Dat avery dings he peat. He run her out on Broader shtreed, He shkeeted like der vind, Hei ! how be bassed de vancy craps, Und lef dem all pehind ! 3ROLOCK. De vellers mit de trottin nags Pooled oop to see him bass ; De Deutschers all erstaunished saidt : " Potztausend ! Was ist das ?" Boot vashter shtill der Schnitzerl flewed On mit a ghastly smile ! He tidn't tooush de dirt, py shings 1 Not vonce in half a mile. Oh, vot ish all dis eartly pliss ? Oh, vot ish man's soocksess ? Oh, vot is various kinds of dings ? Und vot is hoppiness ? We find a pank node in de shtreedt, Next dings der pank ish preak ! Ve foils and knocks our outsides in, Ven ve a ten-shtrike make. So vas it mit der Schnitzerlein On his philosopede. His feet both shlipped outsidevard shoost, Vhen at his extra shpeed. He felled upon der vheel of coorse ? De vheel like blitzen flew ! Und Schnitzerl he vos schnitz in vact, For it shlished him grod in two. BROLOCK. 5 XJnd as for his philosopede, Id cot so shkared, men say, It pounded onward till it vent Ganz teufelwards afay. Boot vhere ish now der Schnitzerl's soul ? Vhere dos his shpirit pide ? In Himmel troo, de endless plue, It takes a medeor ride. HANS BREITMANN HIS PHILOSOPEDE. Vhen Breitmann hear dat Schnitzerl Vas quardered into dwo, Und how his crate philosopede To 'm tuyfel had gone flew ; He dinked und dinked so heafy As only Deutschers can, Denn saidt, " Who mighdt belief et Dis ish de ent of man ? " De human souls of beoples Exisdt in deir idees, Und dis of Wolfram Schnitzerl Mighdt dravel many vays. In his Bestimmung des Menschen Der Fichte makes peliefe Dat ve brogress oon-endly In vot pehind we leafe. HANS BREITMANN UND HIS PHILOSOPEDE. " De sbliarrow falls ground-do wnwarts, Or drafels to de West ; De sbharrows dat coom afder Bild shoost de same oldt nest. Man hat not vings or fedders, Und in oder dings, 'tis saidt, He tont coom oop to shbarrows ; Boot on nests he goes ahet. " O vliest dou troo bornin vorldts Und nebuloser foam, By monsdrous mitnight shiant forms Or vhere red tyfels roam, Or vhere de chosts of shky rackets Peyond creadion flee ? Vhere e'r dou art, oh Schnitzerlem ! Crate saint ! look down on me ! " Und deach me how you maket Dat crate philosopede, Vitch roon dwice six mals vaster Ash any Arap shteed, Und deach me how to 'stonish folk Und knock dem out de shpots. Come pack to eart, O Schnitzerlein, Und pring it down to dots !" Shoost ash dis vort vent outvarts Hans dinked he see a vlash, Und unterwards de dable He doomple mit a crash, 8 HANS BREITMANN Und to him, moong de glaesses, Und pottles ash vas proke, Hit his het in a cigar box, An foice from Himmel shpoke ' Adsum Domine Breitmann ! Herr Capitain here I pe ! So dell me right honeste Quare inquietasti me f Te video inter spoonibus, Et largis glassis too, Cerevisia repletis, Sicut percussus tonitru /' Denn Breitmann ansver Schnitzerl * Coarctor nimis. See ! fiiquidem Philistiim Pugnant adversum me. UND HIS PHILOSOPEDE. Ergo vocavi te, Ash Saul vocavti Sam uel, ut mi ostenderes Quid teufelfaciam?' Derm der shpirit, in Lateinisch Saidt l 'Bene dat's de dalk! Non habes in hoc shanty A shingle et some chalk ? Non video inkum et calamos: (I shbose some bummer shdole 'em) Leuate oculos tuos, son, Et aspice ad linteolum / Den Breitmann see de chalk-piece Vitch riset from de floor, Und signet a philosopede Alone oopon de toor, 10 HANS BRBITMANX De von dat Schnitzerl fabricate, Und ooderneat he see : Probate inter equites : Try dis in de cavallrie.' Den Breitmann shtoot oop rightly Und leanet on a bost, Und saidt : " If dis couldt, shouldt hafe peen It vouldt mighdt peen a chost ! Boot if it je nouomenon, Phenomenoned indeed, Or de soobjective objectified, I'fe cot de philosopede." UND ms PHILOSOPEDE. Denn out he seekt a plack sclimidt Ash vork in iron shteel ; To make him a philosopede Mit shoost an only vheel. 11 De dings vas maket simple, Ash all crate idees should pe ; For 'twas noding boot a gart vheel Mit a two veet achsel-dree. De dime^ der Breitmann doomple In learnin for to ride, Vas ofdener ash de sand grains Dat rollen in de tide. 12 HANS BREITMANN De dimes he cot oopsetted In shdeerin lefdt und righdt, Vas ofdener as de cleamin shdars Dat shtud de shky py nighdt. Boot de vorstest of de veadures In dis von vheel horse, you bet, Ish dat man couldt go so nicely Pefore he got oopset. Some dimes he go like plazes Und toorn her, extra-fein, Und denn shlop ofer dis is vhat Hafe kill der Schnitzerlein. Soosh droples ash der Breitmami hafe To make dis 'vention go, Vas nefer seen py mordal man Oopon dis vorldt pelow. UNO HIS PIHLOSOPEDE. 13 He doompled righdt, he doompled lefdt, He hafe a tousand toomps, Dere nefer vas a gricket-ball Vot get soosh 'fernal boomps. Boot ash he shvear't he'd do it, He shvore id should pe done, Dough he schimpft und fluchte la"sterlich, He visht he'd ne'er pegun. Mit Hagel ! Blitz ! Kreuzsakrament ! He maket der houser ring, Und hoped de Schnitzerl pe verdammt For deachin him dis ding. Nun goot ! Ad last he got it, Und peaudifool he goed, Dis day, saidt he, " I'll stonish folk A roonin on de road ; Dis day py shinks I'll do it ! Und knock dings out of sight !" Ach weh ! for Breitmann dat day Vas not pe-markt mit vhite. De noompers of de Deutsche folk Dat coom dis feat to see, I dink in soper earnest-hood, Mighdt not ge-reckonet pe. For miles dey shtood along de road, Mein Gott ! but dey vas dry ; Dey trinked den lager-beer shops oop, Pefore der Hans coom py. 14 HANS BREITMANN Vhen all at vonce drementous gries De fery country shook ; Und beoples shkreemt : "Daister! Schau! Dere ish der Breitmann ! Look !" Mein Gott ! vas efer soosh a shoudt ? Vas efer soosli a gry ? Veil like a brick-pat in a vight, Der Breitmann roosli py. O mordal man ! Vy ish id, dow Hast passion to go vast ? Vy ish id dat de tog und horse Likes shbeed too quick to last ? De pugs, de pirds, de pumple-pees, Und all dat ish, 'twould seem, Ish nefer hoppy boot, exsept When pilin on de shteam. UND HIS PHILOSOPEDF. Der Breitmann flew ! Von mighdy gry, Ash he vent scootin bast, Von derriple, drementous yell Dat day de virst und last. Vot ha ! vot ho ! Vy ish id dus ? Vot makes dem shdare aghast ? Vy cooms dat vail of wild tespair, Ish somedings got gesmasht ? Yea efen so. Yea, ferily Sbheak, soul ! It is dy biz ! Der Breitmann shkeet so vast along, Dey fairly heard him whizz. Vheii shoost oopon a hill-top point It caught a pranch ge-pent, Und like an opple vrom a svitch, Afay Hans Breitmann vent. 15 16 HANS BREITMANN Vent troo de air a hoondert feet, (Allowin more or less) Denn pobb^-pobb pobb a mile or dwo, He rollet along I guess. Say hast dou seen a gannon ball Half shpent, shtill poundin on ; Like made of gummi-lasticum ? So vent der Breitmann. Dey bick him oop dey pring him in No wort der Breitmann sphoke. Der doktor look he shvear erstaunt Dat nodings ish peen proke ! UND HIS PHILOSOPEDE. 17 I He rollet de rocky road entlong, He pounce o'er shtock und shtone ; You'd dink he'd knocked his outsides in, Yet nefer preak a pone ! All shtill Hans lay bevilderfied Nor seemet to mind de shaps, Nor moofed, oontil der medicus Hafe dose him veil mit schnapps. De schmell voke oop de boetry Of tays ven he vas yoong, Und he murmulte de frogmends Of an sad romandic song : g HANS BREITMANN " As sommer prings de roses, Und roses pring de dew, So Deutschland gifes de maidens Vot fetch de bier to you. Komm Maidlein ! Rothe Waenglein ! Mit a wein glass in your paw ! Ve'll ged troonk amoong de roses Und lie soper on de shdraw ! "As winter prings the ice- wind, Dat plow o'er burg und hill, Hard times pring in de lantlord, Und de lantlord pring de bill. Boot sing Maidlein. Rothe Waengelein ! Mit wein glass in your paw ! Ve'll ged troonk amoong de roses Und lie sober on de sdhraw !" Dey dook der Breitmann homewarts, Boot efer on de vay, He nefer shbeaket no man, Und noding else could say : Boot " Maidlein Rothe Wsengelein ! Mit wein glass in her paw, We'll ged troonk amoong de rosen Und lie soper on de sdhraw !" Dey laid der Hans im Bette, Peneat de eider-doun, Und sempled all de doktors Vot doktored in de town. UNO HIS PHILOSOPEDE. Dat ish, de Deutsche Aertzte, For Breitmann alfays says, De Deutschers ish de onlies Mit originell idees. Dere vas Doktor Moritz Schlinkenschlog, Dat vork ash cafeopath, Und der learned Cobus Schoepfskopf, Dat use de milchy bath ; 19 Und Korschalitschky aus Boehmen, Vot cure mit slibovitz, Und Wechselbalg from Berlin, "Who only 'tend to fits. 20 HANS BREITMANN Dere vas Strobbich aus Westfalen, Who mofe all eart'ly ills Mit concentrirter schinken juice, Und Pumpernickel pills. Und a bier-kur man from Munich, Und a grape-curist from Rhein, Und von who shkare tisease afay Mit dose of Schlesier wein. So dey meed in consooldation Mit Doktor Winkeleck, Who brack dise " renovation," Mit sauerkrout und speck. Und dat no man shouldt pe shlightet Or treatet ash a tunce, Dey 'greed to try deir systems Oopon Breitmann all at vonce. Dat ish, mit de excepdion, Of gifin Schlesier wein; For de remedy vas danger-full On von who trink from Rhine. Ash der teufel once declaret Ven he taste it on a shpree, Dat a man to trink soosh liquor Moost a born Silesian pe. So de all vent 16s at Breitmann, Und woonderfool to dell, He coomed to his gesundheit, Und pooty soon cot veil. UND HIS PHILOSOPEDE. 21 Some hinted at Natura Mit de oldt vis sanatrix, Boot each dokter shvore he cured him, Und de rest vere taugenix. I know not vot der Breitmann More newly has pegun, Boot dey say he dalks day-daily Mit Dana of de Sun. Dey dalk in Deutsch togeder, Und volk say de ent vill pe Philosopedal changes In de Union cavallrie. Gott help de howlin safage! Gott help de Indi-an ! Shouldt Breitmann choin his forces Mit Sheneral Sheridan. 22 HANS BREITMANN UND HIS PHILOSOPEDK. Und denn to sing his braises Acain I'll gife a lied Hier hat dis dale an ende Of Breitmann's philosopede. HANEY'S JOURNAL for 1869. The extensive circulation and great popularity which HANEY'S JOURNAL has attained, and the general desire of our readers, en courage us to announce that, with the January No., 1869, it will b Enlarged to DOUBLE its present size. 16 pag's instead of 8 giving OVER FIFTEEN HUNDRED 8QT7AR1 INCURS of rea ting matter, illustrations, Ac., Ac., every month. Th Journal will retain the same style now so well liked, but new attractions will be added from time to time, our aim being always, as in the past, to make each and every number just as good as we possibly can. Among other attractive novelties we may mention PERFOEMING ANIMALS; WITH THEIR TRICKS AND THEIR TRAINING. Including the tricks usually exhibited at Circuses, and many more wonderful feats less frequently met with, such as dogs playing dom inoes . selecting any article commanded from among many scatter ed promiscuously arou d, putting it anywhere, or giving it to any one you command : for Instance : " Take the red handerchief and put it on the chair by tho door." Or, " Give the white stocking to the lady with the blue dress." Or hogs selecting cards to corret-tly an swer any question. And innumerable surprising, feats performed by all kinds of animals from e'ephants to rats and mice. Even fleas have been taught. Besides explaining the method of teaching these tricks, Haney's Journal will give many oter interesting a r ticle.s, aa Exposures of all new Humbugs and Swindles, and some important inform tion reg rding Q ack Doctors, Quack Medicines, and Quick Books, by the author of the celebrated work, " Rogues und Rogueries." 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For the Youn-r Folks we have Games, Puzzl?, Instrucliuns in oy- making, Magic (including the most celebrated and surprising tricks of the greatest wiza ds and the marvels of th Japanese and II ir doo jugglers,) and other attrac'ions. HANKY'S JOB HNAL for 1809 will give OVER 150O SQTTARS INCHES of reading matter, illustrations, Ac., KVKRY MONTH, and all for ONLY FIFTY CENTS A YEAR. NBT'S JOCRSAL can be had of any newsdealer, who will bo glad to get it for you if he has none on hand, and we prefer you ta get it of a dealer if convenient. No free samples whatever. JfeSSE IIAN^Y dc CO., 119 Nassau Street, New York. Performing Animals. How to teach horses to feign lam ness ; find hidden articles; fire pistols ; turn handorgan ; pump water, &c. D .)*> s to dance ; "sing;" go errands ; sekct : any article at command from a lrpe I number and give to any designated .per- _ !!son, as, " Give the blue stocking to the lady in the white dress;" to find a card privately drawn and replaced in the pack by any stranger, &c. Pigs to answer questions by selecting appropriate printed cards; to tell day of week or month ; tell any lady's age, and name of future husband, &c. And many amusing, curious and wonderful feats of bears, mon keys, elephants, goats, donkeys, and even cats, rats, mice, and fleas. Explanations of the tricks, with in structions for teaching, illustrated, will be given in HAWEY'S JOURNAL, a handsome, moderately illustrated monthly of Inter esting, entertaining and neeful matter for all. Ex posures of humbugs, quacks, and swindles; lives of the rich men of the world, showing how they gained their wealth ; new arts and recipes ; hints on health ; magic, games, puzzles, &c., for the young, and choice miscellany, and attractive illustrations for all. jfigp- Enlarged with new volume, giving over 1 ,SOO tquare inchet of reading, pictures, &c., each month tor Only Fifty Cents a Tear. J85T Get it ofnewsd ealers, if any in your place, at 6 cts. By mail to 1 ocali ties where there are no dealers, SO cts. a year, or 7 cts. singly. None free. JESSE HANEY & CO . 119 Nassau St.. New YorV- ATTRACTIVE BOOKS FOR ALL. . -.->>*<- The folloiv'uxr are Good Books, at fair prices, and cannot fail to please those nd : Guide to Authorship. A vain,: lie aid to all who desire to engine in literary pursuits either for Deluding all kinds of prose and poetry. Jt is full ol sound e Kind inexperienced write* WM;; and aids IT thorn " -ultiis, and inuring' the H|VE v. 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