DINKELSPIEL'S 
 
 LETTERS 
 
 ifornia 
 
 onal 
 
 ity 
 
 ooe 
 
 GEORGE V. HOBART 
 
 AUTHOR 
 
 JOHN HE>
 
 DINKELSPIEL. 
 
 THE STORY OF HIS LIFE. 
 
 FIRST APPEARANCE 
 
 MAY, 1893, 
 In the Sunday Scimitar, 
 
 Cumberland, Md. 
 
 RE-APPEARED 
 
 JUNE, 1896, 
 In the Baltimore Evening News, 
 
 MOVED 
 
 AUGUST, 1898, 
 To the Baltimore American. 
 
 JOURNEYED 
 
 AUGUST, 1899, 
 To the New York Journal.

 
 "COULD YOU PLEASE SUOHCHKST SOMEDING DOT KATS VKI.L. 
 BUT IS NOT TOO EGGSPENSIVE TO KEEP DOWN;-" 
 
 Frontispiece. Page 120.
 
 Dinkelspiel's 
 Letters to Looey 
 
 BY GEORGE V. HOBART 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 "JOHN HENRY." "DOWN THE LINE WITH JOHN HENRY," 
 
 "IT'S UP TO YOU," "BACK TO THE WOODS," 
 
 "OUT FOR THE COIN," "I NEED THE MONEY, " 
 
 "I'M FROM MISSOURI." "YOU CAN SEARCH ME," 
 
 "GET NEXT!" "SKIDDOO," "BEAT IT." 
 
 "GO TO IT," "IKEY'S LETTERS," ETC. 
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS BY 
 TOM BARCLAY 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 G. W. DILLINGHAM CO. 
 
 PUBLISHERS
 
 Copyright, 1905, 1906, 1907, 1908, oy 
 The New York American 
 
 Copyright, 1908, by 
 G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY 
 
 This book is fully protected by copyright and all persons art 
 warned against using any of the lines or dialogue con- 
 tained therein without the written permission 
 of the author. 
 
 Dinkelspiel's 
 letters to Looey 
 
 The kind permission of W. R. HEARST to use such articles 
 
 as appeared originally in the New York American 
 
 is gratefully acknowledged.
 
 TO 
 
 Sarabayniepeach 
 
 2224711
 
 DINKELSPIEL WRITES TO 
 LOOEY ABOUT 
 
 MM 
 
 THE COMMUTER 9 
 
 THE RACE TRACK 20 
 
 THE JOYS OF TRAVEL 36 
 
 THE SELECTION OF A WIFE 55 
 
 THE WAY A KING SHOULD REIGN 73 
 
 THE GRAND OLD GAME OF DRAW 94 
 
 THE SAENGERFEST PARTY 113 
 
 THE KEROSENE WAGON 131 
 
 THE WEDDING PRESENT 145 
 
 THE MICROBE CRAZE 157 
 
 THE PHILOSOPHER 172
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 "Ccmld yon please suchchest somedingfdot eats 
 veil, but is not too eggspensive to keep 
 down?" .... Frontispiece 120 
 
 *'Do you suspicion him ?" vispered Mrs. Pickle- 
 
 sauer von Sauerface, mit a shudder . . 17 
 
 "Teach der children not to forget me vile I was 
 away in der office," said Goosedipper, 
 eagerly 46 
 
 It you vas ouid valking, Looey, mit a young lady 
 und you should slip on a banana's chacket, 
 vatch her closely 58 
 
 "Your economy frills me," set Andrew; "spell 
 der vord flivver mit vun v und put der 
 udder v back in der safe" 8c 
 
 "Minnie, haf you cracked dosejiuts for dinner ?" 185
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S 
 
 LETTERS TO LOOEY, 
 i. 
 
 THE COMMUTER. 
 
 Home. Today. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER LOOEY Ve 
 haf receifed your letter from 
 Pittsburg und also der box of 
 stogies vich der eggspressman left at 
 our door but rushed avay before I could 
 light vun. 
 
 I dink I vill enchoy dose stogies, 
 Looey, but your mother makes me 
 smoke dem ouid on der lawn. 
 
 I tried to eggsplain it to your mother 
 dot a stogie loses its flavor ven smoked 
 ouid on der lawn, und she set she hoped 
 so, because if der flavor vas lost ouid 
 dare nobody vould be unlucky enough 
 to find it again, mebbe. 
 
 She set ven I smoked dem in der 
 house she alvays found der flavor hi- 
 ding in der lace curtains, und she vants 
 to be able to shake der curtains vunce 
 in a vile mitouid a wicious flavor 
 chumping ouid at her und biting her fin- 
 gers.
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Ach, Looey, vimmen vas so inconsid- 
 erable. 
 
 I vas yust saying to your mother last 
 night dot you haf been home mit us so 
 seldom since ve moved ouid in der 
 country dot you do not know der choys 
 of ruralization. 
 
 You haf nefer been a cummutineer, 
 haf you, Looey? 
 
 Dit you know vot is a commutineer? 
 
 Veil, Looey, a commutineer is a 
 chent dot lives in der country but 
 spends all of his time on der railroad 
 trains. 
 
 Der commutineer is divided into two 
 classes: Going und cameing. 
 
 Der vorst troubles vich der commuti- 
 neer has to contention mit is der friend 
 vich lives in der city und makes chokes 
 abouid der commutineer. 
 
 I vas vunce vun of dese evils myself 
 ven I lived in der city und make smart 
 sayings abouid Rudolph Beerhaben, 
 vich lived at Insomniahurst-on-der- 
 Bronx. 
 
 But rewenge is vun of der fairst laws 
 of nature, because der fairst day I be- 
 came a commutineer eighty-sigs mos- 
 quitoes attackded me in single file und 
 10
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 bit me deep between der solo apoplexus 
 und der front porch. 
 
 Vun of der fairst rules for a commu- 
 tineer after he locates der railroad sta- 
 tion und runs dare a cubble of times to 
 get in training, is to get a red und vite 
 und blue hammock. 
 
 A hammock vas a necesserary evil in 
 der country, because only by dis means 
 can der insects become ackvainted mit 
 a new commutineer. 
 
 Der man dot put up our hammock dit 
 not notice my veight, und he used a 
 very slim und refined rope. Pretty soon 
 I came along und dropped in der ham- 
 mock mit a splash. At der same mo- 
 ment der rope eggsploded und I made 
 a deep impression on der stone porch. 
 
 Den efery mosquito in der neighbor- 
 hood rushed to my assistance und tried 
 to lift me up mit deir teeth. 
 
 Living in der country is divided into 
 two classes : Outdoors und indoors. 
 
 Indoors vas der most peaceful mit 
 der eggsception of der flies, vich takes 
 der place of an alarm clock early in der 
 morning mit much success. 
 
 Dis vas der inspirationment of dot 
 luffly olt proverb vich speaks it : 
 11
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Early to bed 
 
 Und early to rise! 
 Dare's a reason for dis, 
 
 Und der answer is Flies ! 
 
 Der national emblem of der commu- 
 tineer is der lawn mower. 
 
 Der idea of der lawn mower is a 
 machinery to shafe der lawn, und be- 
 cause it cannot talk like a barber it 
 makes a noise like a rumor of var mit 
 Chapan. 
 
 I decisioned I vould trim der van- 
 dyke beard on der lawn der fairst day 
 I becamed a commutineer, und der re- 
 sult vill alvays live in history side py 
 side mit der battle of Gettysburg. 
 
 Der lawn mower vas sleeping peace- 
 fully in der barn ven I rushed in und 
 dragged it ouid. 
 
 Mebbe it is dot I forgot to lather der 
 lawn, because it vas der hardest shafe I 
 efer vitnessed. 
 
 Der lawn mower began to complain 
 so loud dot der neighbors for miles 
 around rushed to der rock pile und 
 armed demselfs for der fray. 
 
 A committee of citizens attractioned 
 py der screaming of der lawn mower 
 came to see if I vas killing some mem- 
 ber of der family or only a distant rela- 
 tive. 
 
 12
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Ven dey saw me struggling mit a 
 stubborn lawn mower dey set my pun- 
 ishment vas heavy enough, so dey threw 
 avay der lynching rope und left me 
 at der post. 
 
 Your mother came ouid on der porch 
 und set: "Dinky, should you choke it 
 from screaming mit some axle grease 
 on der handle-bars, perhaps, yes!" 
 
 "Der idea is vorthy of a better 
 cause," I responded, und den I tried to 
 see vich part of der lawn mower vould 
 fit der axle grease. 
 
 Ven I lifted up der lawn mower to 
 eggsamine its constitution und by-laws 
 a heavy part of der machinery fell off 
 und landed on my instep, und I began 
 to eggsdaim in sulphur. 
 
 Den I tried to stand on der udder 
 foot, und I lost my balance und fell 
 on der lawn mower's third rail. 
 
 I nefer vas so mortified in my life as 
 ven dot lawn shafer began to bite its 
 initials all ofer my shinbone. 
 
 Efery time I tried to get up I lost my 
 balance, und efery time I lost my bal- 
 ance der lawn mower vould leap up in 
 der air und fall on some part of my 
 antimony. 
 
 Ven luffing hands finally pulled us 
 
 13
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 apart I vas yust on der udder side of 
 consciousness, vile der lawn mower hat 
 recofered its second vind und vas vag- 
 ging its tail mit eggscitement. 
 
 I dink before der doctor recofers me 
 I vill lose my balance again. 
 
 Dis time it vill be at der bank. 
 
 I haf made up my mind dot our lawn 
 vill vear a King Lear viskers before I 
 efer tackle dot lawn mower again, yet. 
 
 Come home soon to der farm, "Looey, 
 because cherries vas ripe at der gro- 
 ceries. 
 
 Speaking abouid ruralalities, you 
 know, Looey, your mother und me ve 
 vent for a veek's ouiding ofer in New 
 Chersey to a place py der sad sea vaves 
 called Mosquito Landing. 
 
 Dey dit. 
 
 Der place vas recommendationed to 
 us py a man vich vent dare vunce und 
 nefer vent back. 
 
 Mosquito Landing is vun of der most 
 fashionable places dot efer let der ocean 
 beat its shores. 
 
 It vas almost like Newport, mit der 
 eggsception dot der reporters doan'd 
 make so much money at Mosquito 
 Landing. 
 
 Ven ve vas dare eferyding vas at der 
 
 14
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEV 
 
 top notch of gayness und frivolosity, 
 und der midsummer madness vich de- 
 mands dot money should be kept burn- 
 ing vas in der weins of dose present. 
 
 Und Society! ach, Looey! 
 
 Eferybody dot is anybody vas dare 
 trying to be somebody. 
 
 Ve saw Leonora Beefensauer at der 
 Casino efery efening talking mit Peter 
 Cuckoohauser, her fiancee. 
 
 You should remembrance, Looey, dot 
 Leonora is der only daughter of Bud 
 Beefensauer, der manufacturer of bone- 
 less tripe, vich has become such a fad 
 in society since der britch vist craze has 
 made regular dinners a nuisance. 
 
 Leonora vill be der olt man's heiress 
 if he ever stops playing pinochle long 
 enough to leave her someding. 
 
 Her financee, Peter Cuckoohauser, is 
 a rising young mechanic dot used to 
 build thermometers. For a long time 
 he hat his ups und downs, but on ac- 
 count of der fortune left him py an 
 amused relative who died unconscious- 
 ly, Peter is now butterflying through 
 life in a vite flannel suit. 
 
 Vile ve vas dare, Looey, Mr. und 
 Mrs. Hans Shine-von-Shine vare di- 
 vorced at der home of der bride's par- 
 is
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ents. Der ceremony vas very simple 
 but eggspensive to der late husband. 
 Considerable alimony changed hands. 
 
 Yust before ve left der place last 
 T'irstay afternoon at two-t'irty a loud 
 shriek rushed ouid of der "Bunga- 
 looza Willa," followed py its author, 
 Mrs. Picklesauer von Sauerface. 
 
 Both der shriek und its author came 
 ouid as far as der gate und attractioned 
 der ears of a policeman. 
 
 "My diamonts haf been stolen," egg- 
 claimed Mrs. Picklesauer von Sauer- 
 face eggscitefully. 
 
 "For publication purposes or for 
 pawning?" inkvired der policeman. 
 
 "Must I tell you mitouid being intro- 
 ductioned?" set Mrs. Picklesauer von 
 Sauerface anxiously. 
 
 "Not unless you doan'd care to meet 
 me," echeckulated der policeman. 
 
 "Mercy!" set Mrs. Picklesauer von 
 Sauerface, "haf I got to cross der so- 
 cial kasm to get dem presents back ?" 
 
 "Vot kinds of diamonts vas miss- 
 ing?" inkvired der policeman. "Vas 
 dey sparklers or shines ?" 
 
 "Vot is der difference, please ?" asked 
 Mrs. Picklesauer von Sauerface 
 haughtily. 
 
 16
 
 'DO YOU SUSPICION HIM?" VISPERED MRS. PICKLESAUER 
 VON 6AUERFACE. MIT A SHUDDER. 
 
 Page 17.
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Der difference vas abouid ninety- 
 five dollars a carrot," vispered der po- 
 liceman. 
 
 "Der best dot money can buy vas 
 none too goot for me," set Mrs. Pickle- 
 sauer von Sauerface, mit proud scorn. 
 
 "So I notice py your hair und com- 
 plexion," responded der policeman po- 
 litefully. 
 
 "Vill you find der missing diamonts, 
 or must I shriek again ?" inkvired Mrs. 
 Picklesauer von Sauerface. 
 
 "Is your photographer present?" de- 
 manded der policeman. 
 
 "Do you suspicion him?" vispered 
 Mrs. Picklesauer von Sauerface, mit 
 a shudder. 
 
 "Der photographer chenerally takes 
 dem," answered der policeman. "Ud- 
 dervise how could der pictures get in 
 der newspapers?" 
 
 "Heafen forgif me for dis ofersight, 
 but my photographer neglectioned to 
 took der chewels before I lose dem," 
 set Mrs. Picklesauer von Sauerface, 
 mit bitter tears in der lamps. 
 
 Der policeman turned avay to con- 
 ceal his emotion und der two-fer seegar. 
 
 "Vot, ach, vot is to be dit?" vailed 
 der helpless voman. 
 
 17
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Nuddings," responded der police- 
 man, after a miserable pause. "Mitouid 
 pictures of der chewels to put in der 
 newspapers der sensation vill be veak 
 und-vobble at der knees." 
 
 Mrs. Picklesauer von Sauerface 
 leaned against der fence und groaned 
 invardly. 
 
 "It vas too bad," muttered der police- 
 man, as he bit into der two-fer seegar 
 und valked silentlessly avay. 
 
 Mrs. Picklesauer von Sauerface sat 
 down in her most eggspensive flower 
 bed und vept bitterfully. 
 
 Yust den der policeman came run- 
 ning backvards. 
 
 "Perhaps you remember der chewels 
 veil enough to get a photograph from 
 memory?" he suchchested. 
 
 A smile chased itself ofer der face of 
 Mrs. Picklesauer von Sauerface, und 
 she remofed herself from der crushed 
 cheraniums. 
 
 "I remember dem perfectly," she vis- 
 pered, "because ven my husband got 
 der bill for dem he hat four different 
 styles of fits in four minutes. T'ree of 
 der fits vas entirely new und orichinal 
 mit him, so I remember der chewels 
 perfectly." 
 
 18
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Goot!" set der policeman. "I vill 
 haf eighteen detectifs und 219 report- 
 ers- up here in ten minutes. Clam your- 
 self, now, clam yourself, because vot 
 is lost vill soon be found in der news- 
 papers." 
 
 Der policeman rushed avay to der 
 tellyfone, und mit a glad cry of t'anks- 
 gifing Mrs. Picklesauer von Sauerface 
 rushed in und began to beat Mozart 
 ouid of der open-face piano. 
 
 Such, Looey, is only vun of der sim- 
 ple annals of der rich. 
 
 "Vy dit dis voman do dis?" your 
 mother inkwissytiffed to me dot efe- 
 ning. 
 
 "Because vun diamont in der news- 
 papers vas vorth a whole tarara in der 
 safety deposits," I vispered. 
 
 "Leave us go home," set your 
 mother. 
 
 Und ve left. 
 
 19
 
 II. 
 
 THE RACE TRACK. 
 
 Home. Yet. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER LOOEY Ve 
 haf receifed your letter from 
 Princeton, Kentucky, vare 
 McKee Barclayhauser urid der race 
 horses come from, und ve vas glat to 
 hear it 'dot pitzness is goot mit you, 
 drummerizing on der road as a com- 
 mercial trafeller. 
 
 Speaking abouid dose race horses, 
 Looey, dit you know it, I haf been to 
 der race track, alretty, for der second 
 time, yet? 
 
 I should tolt you abouid it der day 
 dot I vent py der race track, Looey. 
 
 It vas vun day a cubble of veeks 
 lately, und ven I voke up early in der 
 morning your mother set by me : 
 
 "Fodder, dis vill be a fine day, mit 
 such a hotness in der t'ermometer, und 
 I vish to vent py der Belmont Park 
 races und show my new dimity gown 
 mit der chiffon oferskirt und der ap- 
 plique fritters on der straight front cor- 
 sage, yes!" 
 
 20
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Vait, voman!" I set. "Der races 
 track ain't no more yet at Belmont 
 Park now!" 
 
 "Veil, vare is it?" your mother men- 
 tioned. 
 
 "It is now at Sheepskin Bay," I vis- 
 pered. 
 
 "Veil," set your mother, "I vould 
 preference Sheepskin Bay, because der 
 color scheme is better for my new 
 dress," she responsed, "und I vill go 
 to Sheepskin Bay because I belief in der 
 proverb vich says vot is done cannot 
 be undone, eggspecially if it is a hard- 
 boiled egg." 
 
 Chee-viz ! who is der man dot can re- 
 sistance der tender pleadings of a luff- 
 ing vife ven she has a new dress vich 
 should be der observed of all der ob- 
 servationists ? 
 
 So ve vent, Looey ! 
 
 Chimineddy! such a bunch of peo- 
 ples! As far as der eye could stretch 
 ve could see human beings rushing hid- 
 der und tidder und den rushing back 
 again ! 
 
 Eferyvare I could see brafe mens 
 mit deir pocketbooks in vun hand und 
 a sure thing on der fairst race in der 
 
 udder, veighing dem in der balance. 
 21
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 In der far corners I could see fearless 
 souls mit a straight tip between deir 
 teeth, biting it to see vas it der real 
 goods. 
 
 Peoples I nefer met before rushed up 
 to me, dug deir elbows into my cafe de- 
 partment, und vas on deir vay before I 
 could return der complimentaries of der 
 season. 
 
 In der fairst ten minutes 219 
 strangers stood on my feet, und only 
 four of dem thanked me for der prifi- 
 Jege. 
 
 By der time ve sqveezed into our 
 seats in der grand stand your mother 
 hat der racing fever in its vorst stages, 
 und her temperature rushed up to 104 
 in der shade. 
 
 Und der vay she mixed up der names 
 of dose horses, ach, Looey, it vas a piti- 
 less shame! 
 
 She picked ouid two horses to vin 
 der fairst race, und den she arranged 
 for a horse to vin der second race vich 
 hasn't seen der hospital shores of 
 America for ofer two years because 
 it is visiting friends in Dick Croker's 
 stable in Ireland, yet. 
 
 Vare your mother found der names 
 of der horses she vished to bet my 
 
 22
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 money on is a qvestion vich eggsceeds 
 all human answers. 
 
 "Fodder," she set, "I haf been listen- 
 ing my ears to der public opinions of 
 dose present, und I dink in der fairst 
 race you should bet four dollars across 
 der board between Cold Tea to vin und 
 Vaterboy for der place, mit Highball 
 on der side, because I nefer use liquor 
 in any form ven I can get a temperance 
 drink. Den you should bet t'ree dol- 
 lars more, because ven you fell down 
 der shoot-der-shoots at Luna Park und 
 sprained your elbow, dot vas a goot 
 omen dot Toboggan vill vin der race, 
 yes!" 
 
 Mit der patience of a saint I con- 
 cealed der anger vich vas hiding behind 
 my vitals. 
 
 "Den, Dinky," your mother vent on, 
 mit persuasive elunquence, "you should 
 bet two dollars for a place on Congo 
 Belle, because der coon song is my fa- 
 vorite music, vich is a goot omen. Den 
 I think four dollars more for a show 
 down on Percy, because my sister's hus- 
 band has a cousin py der name of Percy 
 Diffenbauer, vich is a floor-valker in a 
 delicatessen store, und dot is a goot 
 omen, yes!" 
 
 23
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 But let us draw a wale ofer dis bitter 
 scene of connubial infelicitiousness. 
 
 Ven der races got started I vas in der 
 grand stand, preparationed to make 
 vun of der most complete enchoyments 
 of my life, but yust den a fat man arose 
 from der seat in front of me, und I lost 
 consciousness of vot vas venting on 
 around me. 
 
 He vas a eggstremely large man, mit 
 a double chin und a double woice und a 
 souse built for two also. 
 
 I could hear der shouts of der multi- 
 tude as der horses left der post, but all 
 I could see vas der quivering back- 
 ground of an eight-dollar suit of 
 clothes. 
 
 I grabbed him py der coat tails und 
 tried to eggstract his attention, but he 
 kept yelling : "Go on, Cold Tea ! Stick 
 to him ! On your way, you sorrel ! It's 
 a skinch for you, dot black vun, dare! 
 Here's looking at you, Highball ! Raus 
 mit him, you sorrel ! Go on ! Go on !" 
 
 He vas der most impartialist man I 
 efer sat behind. 
 
 Your mother vas leaning her head 
 avay ofer on der shoulder of an elderly 
 chent dot dit not seem to mind it, but 
 as long as she vas getting a bird's-eye 
 
 24
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 view of 'der race I hat not der heart to 
 be chealous. 
 
 After a vile my obstructor sat down, 
 und I could see a leaping, rushing river 
 of horseflesh tearing around der far 
 corner of der track; I could see t'ou- 
 sands upon t'ousands of eggscited faces 
 trying to keep deir hearts ouid of deir 
 t'roats und brafely resisting der tempta- 
 tion to swallow deir palates, und alvays 
 der horses chumping onvard. 
 
 I could hear der silent prayers of dem 
 dot vished for something to happen vich 
 did not seem possible, und alvays der 
 horses rumbling onvard. 
 
 I could feel der lazy afternoon stop 
 strolling on its vay tovards der night 
 und stand still to vatch dem beautiful 
 animals as dey charged down into der 
 stretch, but yust den der fat man arose 
 to his fat feet und pud ouid der light 
 in my pipe. 
 
 From der vay he yelled, und from 
 der vay der pattern of his eight-dollar 
 suit kept shaking like a chelly-fish, I 
 chudged it vas a eggsciting finish. 
 
 Your mother told me aftervards dot 
 she vould haf enchoyed der race better 
 if der elderly chent she vas resting her 
 
 25
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 head on dit not haf such emotional 
 shoulders. 
 
 Den I vent down in der padlock und 
 met Oscar Baumgarten. 
 
 It is, mebbe, Looey, dot you doan'd 
 know Oscar Baumgarten. 
 
 If you doan'd den you should bless 
 your lucky stars, pecause py not having 
 to use his ackvaintance you haf a run- 
 ning start on eferybody dot does. 
 
 Baumgarten is der fairst lieutenant 
 in a butcher shop up-town, und he con- 
 siders himself America's leading citizen. 
 
 His idea of his own importance is 
 loud und painful to dose vich cannot 
 avoid listening. 
 
 If Baumgarten hat been born a few 
 years earlier, he would haf beat Christo- 
 fer Columbus to his great discofery. 
 
 If dare vas anyding in dis idea of re- 
 incarnation, den Baumgarten must be a 
 Kink Solomon und at least four of der 
 prophets. 
 
 Veil, anyvay, ven I met Baumgarten 
 in der padlock he set : "Should you bet 
 someding on dis next race, mebbe !" 
 
 As a rule I am not much for betting 
 der races, because der idea of helping 
 to pay a bookmaker's board und lodg-
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ing nefer appealed to me in der vay it 
 does to some peoples. 
 
 I dink der bookmaker is vun of our 
 infant industries, vich should be self- 
 supporting- py dis time. 
 
 Baumgarten knows efery horse on 
 der calendar. 
 
 Baumgarten can tell you der pedigree 
 of efery skate dot efer side-stepped der 
 plough. 
 
 To Baumgarten der dope sheet has 
 more plot and t'rilling climaxums den 
 vun of T'eodore Kremer's melon- 
 dramas. 
 
 Baumgarten is vot I vould call a 
 plunger mit der lid on. 
 
 He nefer bets more den two dollars 
 on a sure thing, und efen den he keeps 
 vishing he hat it back. 
 
 Vun day he bet four dollars on a sure 
 thing, und after der race vas ofer he 
 valked up mit a loud sneer und called 
 Pittsburg Phil a piker. 
 
 Ven ve got ofer by der betting ring 
 my friend set py me: "Now, Dink, 
 follow in my footsteps mit der tips, und 
 ven der sun is declining in der Vestern 
 heffens you vill be rich beyond der 
 dreams of Avonhurst!" 
 
 27
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Dare vast a colt, pitiless gleam in 
 Baumgarten's eye ven he glanced ofer 
 der menu card. 
 
 Der second race vas a free-for-all, 
 ofer der olt course, best two ouid of 
 three, mit der odds at 2 to 4 on, 6 to 8 
 across der board, und 7 to 9 for a 
 look-in. 
 
 Baumgarten studied der bill of fare, 
 und den he picked ouid someding mit 
 four legs und a low forehead vich 
 listened to der name of "Perhaps." 
 
 "Dis 'Perhaps' is a skinch," set 
 Baumgarten. "He dit a mile vunce in 
 2:97 flat. Follow me into der bank, 
 Dinky." 
 
 Der bookmaker listened painfully, 
 und his breath came in short trousers. 
 
 "Vot is der odds on 'Perhaps,' 
 please?" inkvired Baumgarten^ 
 
 "Fifty to vun, und no qvestions 
 asked," set der bookmaker. 
 
 Baumgarten borrowed vun of my 
 best cigars to conceal his emotion. 
 
 "Back to der repair shop," vispered 
 der bookmaker; "you vas on a cold 
 plate." 
 
 "Vill you hoist der price, yes?" in- 
 kvired Baumgarten. 
 
 28
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Write your own ticket und den back 
 to sleep for yours," set der bookmaker. 
 
 "Goot!" set Baumgarten; "two dol- 
 lars on 'Perhaps' to show." 
 
 "Show me der two dollars," set der 
 bookmaker. 
 
 Baumgarten borrowed two dollars 
 from me und showed it to him. 
 
 Der bookmaker took der money mit 
 a sad, sveet smile, und den passed ouid 
 of our lives. 
 
 Ten minutes aftervards der horses 
 vas off in small bunches. 
 
 "Perhaps" at der qvarter! "Per- 
 haps" at der half! Der eggscitement 
 vas so loose you could break it off. 
 
 But yust ven der horses came into 
 der stretch "Perhaps" forgot something 
 und vent back after it. 
 
 Later on "Perhaps" hurried back to 
 vin der race, but in der meantime an- 
 nuder horse hat removed it. 
 
 Baumgarten eggsplained it to me dot 
 "Perhaps" vas a goot horse, but he hat 
 a bad memory, und nefer could remem- 
 ber vich end of der track vas der place 
 to finish at. 
 
 Den Baumgarten began to dope dem 
 ouid for der next race, und I ran for 
 your mother, und between us ve nefer 
 
 29
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 stopped running till ve got der cars for 
 home. 
 
 I notice it in your letter, Looey, vare 
 you vent mit Charlie Abbot und Chorge 
 Lederer und udder friends to vitness a 
 private prize-fight in a private ring in a 
 private club for a private purse. 
 
 Such vas a goot idea, Looey, because 
 vunce in a vile a chenteel prize-fight 
 vill loosen up your eyebrows und make 
 more pliable der apex of your t'roat 
 vare you yell, "Soak him, der lobster !" 
 
 For me, Looey, der day of der prize- 
 fights vas ofer because no longer 
 through my weins rushes der eggscited 
 blood of yout', vich is der inspiration 
 dot makes a spectator rise up on his 
 hind legs und scream mit choy ven an 
 upper-cut smashes into der front eleva- 
 tion of der man you dittent bet on. 
 
 To be a frankness mit you, Looey, 
 prize-fighting nefer vas vun of my 
 household pets. 
 
 Somehow or udder, Looey, I could 
 nefer bubble ofer mit enthusinism at 
 der idea of two huskies, mit self-fold- 
 ing jaws und muckles on deir arms 
 like feetballs, pounding each udder into 
 calfsfoot chelly for der champeenship 
 of a fifty-dollar bill. 
 
 30
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Because, Looey, der trail of der ser- 
 pentine vas ofer it all, und efery short- 
 arm chab is nuddings but a jimmy to 
 break into der bank und get der gate 
 receipts. 
 
 Dis gifs me reminiscences. 
 
 At der time ven Bop Fitzchimmons 
 und Chim Cheffries punched ouid dot 
 big fight I wrote your Uncle Oscar der 
 particulars, yet. 
 
 Mebbe, Looey, you vould vish to hear 
 dem, because vot I wrote den means 
 itself to-day, und der same meaning vill 
 mean itself mit efery time der gong 
 sounds in der future. 
 
 Listen, please! 
 
 Bop Fitchimmons und Chim Chef- 
 fries vunce fought a battle for der 
 champeenship of a bank account. 
 
 Both von. 
 
 Bop entered der safety deposit waults 
 at abouid sigs o'clock und retchistered 
 his name mit der paying teller. 
 
 Chim made his fairst appearance 
 abouid a minute later, und passed der 
 doorkeeper mitouid a struggle. 
 
 At abouid sigs-fifteen de referee 
 pushed der button und der time-locks 
 opened der doors to vealth, vile der 
 crowd ouidside cheered der Vizards of 
 
 31
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Easy Street, as dey vas affectedly called 
 by deir friends. 
 
 It vas soon noticed py der wast 
 crowd of spectators in der bank dot der 
 cheneral plan und scope of Bop Fit- 
 chimmons' phizeek vas long und nerv- 
 ous, like a match. 
 
 Chim Cheffries hat more der abrupt 
 appearance of Chon W. Gates. . 
 
 Der paying teller now stepped into 
 his cage, und der two Vizards of Easy 
 Street vent after all dot vas cameing 
 to dem. 
 
 "Dis for a few acres of unimproved 
 ground in Long Island!" set Bop, 
 smashing Chames affectionately near 
 der vishbone. 
 
 "Dis for some more three per cent. 
 Guffernment bonds!" set Chames, mit 
 his right fist on Bop's boogie. 
 
 "Now, den, for a block of Missouri 
 Pacific stock !" set Bop, trying to knock 
 der block off Chames. 
 
 Chames fiddled, undecided vedder to 
 get enough money to build a home on 
 Riverside Drive or to took a European 
 trip. 
 
 Den, suddenly, Chames decisioned he 
 vould buy a interest in der Beef Com- 
 
 32
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 bine, so he soaked Bop in der prime 
 ribs. 
 
 Bop felt a uncontrollable desire surg- 
 ing in his heart for a new Pa jama hat, 
 so he aimed a $60 blow at Chim's head, 
 hoping to put it in der hands of a re- 
 ceiver. 
 
 Chames cleverly avoided payment, 
 und showed his contempt for der Food 
 Trust by hitting Bop in der stomach. 
 
 Der paying teller vas now almost 
 eggshausted mit hard work, so der two 
 Vizards of Easy Street vent to deir cor- 
 ners und, looking eagerly between der 
 ropes, counted up der house. 
 
 During der next sigs meetings of 
 dese Kings of Finance it vas come easy, 
 go easy, und money changed hands like 
 umbrellas on a vet day. 
 
 Bop landed two short-arm chabs in 
 der suburban part of Chim's vaist-line, 
 vich netted him a Queen Anne cottage 
 in der country, und Chim mit a upper- 
 cut bought himself a handsome steam 
 yacht. 
 
 Bop made a corkscrew tvist in his 
 blacksmith shop, und asked Chames to 
 allow him a few t'ousand on it, but 
 Chames laughingly replied mit a smash 
 on der chaw. 
 
 33
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 In der eighth session der paying teller 
 hat eggshausted all der wisible subbly 
 of gold, und der Vizards of Easy Street 
 hat now enough vealth to retire on. 
 
 Dey den started to draw lots to see 
 vich vun should retire fairst, und vile 
 doing so Chames soaked Bop on der 
 chaw mit a fist full of tventy dollar gold 
 pieces, und Bop retired somevat dis- 
 gusted, but rich. 
 
 Before retiring Bop left a call for 
 sefen-thirty next morning to go mit a 
 eggspress vagon to der bank und get 
 his rake-off. 
 
 Chames took his share home mit him 
 in a veelbarrow. 
 
 Dus ended vun of der most eggs- 
 citing financial struggles in der history 
 of Easy Street. 
 
 Regards to Clay Pierpont Morgan; 
 Charlie Schwab please write. 
 
 Dare you haf it, Looey, und you vill 
 find dot money vas der power behind 
 every professional punch in der chaw. 
 
 Money vas der vun big idea behind 
 efery prize-fight since der time dot 
 heavy-veight Cain fought his velter- 
 veight brother in der Madison Square 
 Garden of Eden down to der present 
 
 34
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 cheneration, und vill be till "Time" vas 
 called no more. 
 
 Prize-fighting ain't run for Art, 
 Looey, or Physical Endurance, or Der 
 Survival of der Flippest it is for plain, 
 olt-fashioned Mazuma. 
 
 35
 
 III. 
 
 THE JOYS OF TRAVEL. 
 
 Home. Lately. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER LOOEY Ve 
 haf receifed your letter from 
 Vaterbury, Mass., und ve vas 
 glat to hear it dot your healt' vas en- 
 choying a stationary period of con- 
 walescence. 
 
 Ve vas all veil at home mit der eggs- 
 ception dot I vas still planting seeds 
 all day in der garten und suffering all 
 night mit growing pains. 
 
 Your mother says it vill be a fine 
 garten dis Fall, but a lot of strange 
 birds und all of our neighbors' chickens 
 seem to dink it is a pretty goot garten 
 right now. 
 
 I vent into town yesterday to buy 
 some punkin und sqvash seeds, und I 
 hat to go by der tunnel vich runs from 
 Forty-second Street up as far as no in 
 der shade. 
 
 Undoubtingly you haf been reading 
 in der newspapers, Looey, dot der New 
 York Sentinel railroad und der New 
 
 36
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Heffen railroad hat determinationed 
 long since to introduction electricsissity 
 und do avay mit der steam und smoke 
 und sulphur in der tunnel, but such is a 
 typographical error. 
 
 Der steam und smoke und sulphur 
 und darkness und stage fright vas still 
 dare. 
 
 Efery time I use dot tunnel, Looey, 
 der eggsperience leaves someding vich 
 looks like der mark of Cain across my 
 forehead. 
 
 Dit I efer relation to you, Looey, 
 abouid der fairst time I vent through 
 dot tunnel? 
 
 Dot day vill alvays remain vun of my 
 hottest memories. 
 
 I valked into der car, full mit der 
 choy of living, und bimeby, after valk- 
 ing up und down und asking many 
 painful qvestions, I finishingly found a 
 seat next to an olt lady dot vas suffering 
 mit nervous hesitation. 
 
 Pretty soon der train broke loose 
 from der station und simontaneously 
 der olt lady began to haf an attack of 
 hesitation for my benefit, because ve hat 
 nefer met before. 
 
 "Ach, kind sir," she set, "do you dink 
 der tunnel is safe, yet?" 
 
 37
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Veil, meddum," I set, "it has der 
 reputation of being someding like a 
 safe, eggscept dot it is open at both 
 ends," but before der olt lady could un- 
 couple my meaning der train hat rum- 
 bled into der darkness, und she cofered 
 her face mit her hands und refused to 
 be comfortable. 
 
 As for me, Looey, somevare between 
 Forty-eighth Street und der daylight I 
 lose ten pounds of dis too solid flesh. 
 
 Fairst I choked up a leedle und den I 
 coughed und den I stirred uneasilessly 
 und den I looked ouid der vindow und 
 prayed for der sunlight und den I 
 looked at my newspaper, but I couldn't 
 read it because der railroad company 
 hat found der gas bill pretty heavy last 
 month, und dey vas condensing eggs- 
 penses. 
 
 I looked up at der transfer vindows 
 near der roof of der car, und I could 
 see leedle curls of vite smoke cameing 
 in to be company for us, und den I 
 tried to vissle to keep my courage from 
 getting rusty until der olt lady mit der 
 nervous hesitation pulled my sleeve und 
 set it vas bad luck to vissle vile going 
 through a tunnel because it used up too 
 much air, so I became unvissleable. 
 
 38
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Den der fooms from der smoke be- 
 gan to rush all ofer der car, daring der 
 peoples to cough, und I got red in der 
 face, und den I changed my mind und 
 got vite in der face. 
 
 Den I lost my breath, und ven I got 
 it back again I found it vasn't mine. 
 
 Den I began to fan myself mit my 
 hat, but no sooner dit I start someding 
 den der olt lady mit der nervous hesita- 
 tion set I was a cruel man because efery 
 time I fanned mit der hat I gave her 
 more den her true und chust share of 
 der tunnel gas, in such cases made und 
 provided. 
 
 Den I began to choke up und den I 
 coughed, und den I could feel someding 
 gargling in my t'roat, und den my head 
 began to ache itself, und den I began to 
 feel goose fedders sprouting all ofer my 
 antimony, but ouidside all vas black as 
 ink, und only from der noise could I 
 tell dot der road vas still paying divi- 
 dends. 
 
 Der air began to get close und thick 
 like der head of a trust magnate, und I 
 vas now breathing like my vife crochets 
 an open-face stocking vun, two, f'ree, 
 drop vun ; vun, two, t'ree, drop vun. 
 
 Den my blood began to curdle und
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 der cold chills ran up my back und 
 liked it so veil dey ran down again. 
 My respiration vas 8 to I, my inspira- 
 tion vas 9 to 6 for der place, und my 
 perspiration vas like a cloudburst. 
 
 I had made up my vill mit a few men- 
 tal und Inchun reservations, und vas 
 choking up for der last time, ven mit 
 vun mighty chump forvard der train 
 shook itself free from der tunnel und 
 vunce more ve vas in der sunshine. 
 
 I looked at der olt lady mit der nerv- 
 ous hesitation vile she brushed der cin- 
 ders off her specs so she could look at 
 me. 
 
 "Could it be dot such dings as dis 
 eggsist in der land of der brave und der 
 home of der free lunch!" she eggs- 
 claimed. 
 
 "It ain'd could it, it is it !" I set. 
 
 Den ve both began to breathe der 
 free air of Vestchester County und col- 
 lapsed into silence. 
 
 I took a notice to vot you say in der 
 letter abouid trafeling so much on der 
 cars, und you haf my agreement mit 
 your ideas on dis supcheckt because 
 lately I haf noticed dot vot a local train 
 service can do to a commutineer vas too 
 pitiful for utterance. 
 
 40
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Let me speak abouid it to you, Looey. 
 
 Took for a instance last T'irsday 
 afternoon ven I vent py der Grand 
 Central depot to took der 2:15 train on 
 der New Heffen road ouid to Pelham. 
 
 I arrived py der cars in der station 
 at abouid 2:05, und den began der 
 veary pilgrimage for a seat, for on all 
 dese trains, Looey, space vas at a pre- 
 mium und der premium doan'd know 
 vare it is at. 
 
 If you happen to be a stout party 
 und get dare fairst you get a whole seat 
 to yourself, so you see it, Looey, it is 
 as it alvays vas, der survival of der 
 fattest. 
 
 But on dis occasion I dittent get dare 
 fairst, so I hat to go down der line 
 from vun end of der train to der udder, 
 searching mit der eye of a eagle for 
 enough red plush on vich to rest my 
 veary bones. 
 
 Ven mitouid success I reached der 
 upper end of der train I set to der 
 brakeman: "Vill you please open up 
 annuder car so a lot of us vill not be 
 seatless ouid to Pelham?" 
 
 "Vy should ve?" set der brakeman, 
 "ven dare is still a lot of seats in dot 
 car?" 
 
 41
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "But no seats mitouid an occupation," 
 I vispered back at him. 
 
 "In dot car vas thirty-two seats mit- 
 ouid an occupation," der brakeman re- 
 sponded, und valked avay. 
 
 I .hated to liar him because he vas an 
 olt, olt man, so I vent back in der car 
 to see could it be dot vun of my eyes 
 vas a deceiver. 
 
 Near der door a stout voman und a 
 bird cage used up two seats, so I paused 
 und looked pleadfully at der stout vom- 
 an und der stout voman looked icefully 
 at me. 
 
 Den I looked insinuatfully up at der 
 package holder above der seat, den at 
 der bird cage, den at der stout voman, 
 vareupon she turned up her nose more 
 carefully und looked ouid of der vin- 
 dow, so I knew it vas all off, und 
 valked avay. 
 
 I stopped abouid four seats ahead 
 vare a small voman vas holding in her 
 arms a small baby at abouid der age 
 of four months, und I set: "Has dis 
 seat got an occupation?" 
 
 "It has," set der small voman in 
 short, sharp accents, und so saying she 
 put der baby in der seat, und mit her 
 glittering eyes dared me to sit on it. 
 
 42
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 I dittent. 
 
 Across der aisle a colored man hat 
 der seat alone, mit der eggsception dot 
 in vun hand, firmly clutched between 
 der t'umb und forefinger, vas a dying 
 seegar. 
 
 Dot seegar vas dying such a long, 
 loud, lingering death dot I dit not haf 
 der heart to stay in der neighborhood, 
 so I moved on down der aisle. 
 
 Pretty soon I came by a seat vare a 
 leedle girl abouid twelve years old vas 
 only using half of it, so I vispered men- 
 tally by myself: "Here is vare I re- 
 pose myself on der vay to Pelham, 
 yet." 
 
 "Oxcoos, please," I set to der leedle 
 girl ; "has dis seat an occupation ?" 
 
 "Not soon, but later," set der leedle 
 girl, all in vun breathe. "I vas saving 
 dis seat for my Uncle Chon vich is my 
 Aunt Mary's husband vare I live in 
 Mount Verdant, und Uncle Chon he is 
 gone back to get der Ladies' Home 
 Churnal because he forgot it, und 
 should he come home mitouid it Aunt 
 Mary vould scold mit him all dis after- 
 noon und most of der night, so if Uncle 
 Chon doan'd miss der train he is here 
 in dis seat, und if he do miss der train 
 
 43
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 he is home by der next vun, und Aunt 
 Mary vill scold him anyhow, neferder- 
 least!" 
 
 "Poor Chon!" I murmured, und 
 valked on. 
 
 Der next seat I stopped at vas being 
 used by a olt chentleman vich hat vite 
 viskers, sefen bundles, t'ree newspapers 
 und der asthma. 
 
 "If I vould svear to carry dose sefen 
 bundles on my knees vould you permis- 
 sion me to use der plush unterneath 
 dem?" I inkvired politefully. 
 
 "Hey?" set der olt chentleman, incli- 
 ning der body forvard und spilling five 
 of der packages on der floor. 
 
 Vile I vas repeating my qvestion he 
 vas diving head fairst after der bundles, 
 und efery time he picked up vun he 
 dropped two. 
 
 Ven I left him der score vas four 
 up und ten to go, mit der odds in favor 
 of der floor. 
 
 Den I vent into der smoking car und 
 found a seat mit a Neapolitan chent by 
 der name of Microbini, und dare I sat 
 unt breathed imported cherms und imi- 
 tation tobacco smoke all der vay to Pel- 
 ham. 
 
 Vunce I made up a leedle romance 
 
 44
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 in der form of a novel abouid der corn- 
 mutineer vich leaves his family in der 
 brightness of der morning, und, alas ! 
 how many veary years gp by before he 
 can get a train back home again! 
 
 I vish to show you dis novel, Looey, 
 because it carries mit it a deep und bit- 
 ter lesson yet ! 
 
 DER NOVEL. 
 
 Der colt, gray dawn yust vent broke 
 in der eastern sky, und in dot leedle 
 suburban home dare vas a busy odor of 
 kerosene und burned flapchacks. 
 
 "Maud !" 
 
 Commutineer Goosedipper paused 
 und shook der family growler slowly 
 from side to side. 
 
 "Yes, Claudius!" der faitful vife re- 
 sponsed. 
 
 "It is now a leedle less den daylight 
 on Monday morning," he set; "und I 
 must leave Insomniahurst und go forth 
 to der great city vare I get my vages." 
 
 Goosedipper sighed und sqveezed der 
 pitcher. 
 
 "Und to-day der G. T. & S. D. R. R. 
 takes off femf und swansig more 
 trains!" he gasped.
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Gaudius!" der vife eggsclama- 
 tioned, pale from vun end of her face 
 to der udder. 
 
 "To-day, Maud, I must vent forth 
 on a train vich is liable to get side- 
 tracked at der slightest pro vocation ing, 
 und if so I vill look no more upon In- 
 somniahurst until many bitter years 
 haf faded into der elsevare," he mut- 
 tered all foam-bedecked into der pitcher. 
 
 "Und so soon I must lose you!" set 
 der good vife, springing into tears. 
 
 "It is der vill of Fate," he set. 
 
 "Der years vill be long between us," 
 she set, sobbing mit her woice. 
 
 "Yes, Maud ; but I vill telegraph you 
 money vunce in a vile," he vispered, re- 
 straining der impulse to cross his fin- 
 gers. 
 
 "Ach, Himmel! dot awful suburban 
 railroad system," she shuddered, "sep- 
 arationing der vife from der husband 
 und der fodder from der children he 
 can nefer know in deir infancy." 
 
 "Teach der children not to forget me 
 vile I vas avay in der office," said 
 Goosedipper eagerly. 
 
 "I vill, Claudius, if I haf to dit it mit 
 a shawl strap," set der luffing vife. 
 
 Den Goosedipper arose himself. 
 
 4
 
 'TEACH DEB CHILDREN NOT TO FORGET ME VILE i VAS AVAY 
 
 IN DEK OFFICE," SAID GOOSEDIPPER, EAGERLY. 
 
 Page 46.
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Come, Maud, let me look around der 
 old home vunce again before I go avay 
 to duty on der 7:09 accommodation 
 vich runs eagerly like a rabbit, bidder 
 und thidder, und no vare in particular." 
 
 Togedder mit his vife, hand in hand, 
 followed py der cat und der leedle 
 Goosedippers, der brafe commutineer 
 took a parting valk among his house- 
 hold. 
 
 It vas a touching sight to see dem. 
 
 Und ven his emotion ofercamed him, 
 und he stepped unmeaningly on der 
 cat, der scene vas too unkind for vords. 
 
 Den mit a sob Goosedipper grabbed 
 his lunch box und vas gone. 
 
 Der cruel suburban railway system 
 closed ofer him und der leedle house at 
 Insomniahurst resounded no more to 
 der moosic of his heels on der oil-clot'. 
 
 Poor vife! bitter vas der tears she 
 shed ofer dare clean but ineggspensive 
 table clot'. 
 
 Und her name vas Maud ! 
 ****** 
 
 Der days, der veeks, der mont's vent 
 speeding by, und vun efening, late for 
 supper, he came back. 
 
 "I caught a train many years ago, but 
 ve hat to change cars at Salt Lake City, 
 
 47
 
 PINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 so I came home py der vay of Bangor, 
 Maine," vas der only eggsplanation he 
 made. 
 
 "Doan'd apologize yourself, Claudi- 
 us," set der luffing vife. "I knew you 
 vould be home some day if you hat to 
 vait for der Panamama Canal to get 
 digged!" 
 
 Such is der simple faith of der corn- 
 mutineers. 
 
 "Vare is Spartacus?" said Goosedip- 
 per. "Ven I left you he vas our oldest 
 son. I hope no change has happened 
 to him. Doan'd you remember, Maud ? 
 Der day before I vent on der 7 :oo, train 
 leedle Spartacus put on his fairst 
 knicklebuckle pants ! Vare is he, yes ?" 
 
 "Dot vas many years ago," sighed 
 der vife. "Ven Spartacus growed up 
 old enough to learn der shcedule of der 
 time table he svore nefer to leave home 
 until der railroads made some arrange- 
 ments to get him back again, und so he 
 is now a hermit." 
 
 "A hermit!" inkvired Goosedipper; 
 "vot is a hermit ?" 
 
 "A hermit," answered der vife, "a 
 hermit is a commutineer dot luffs his 
 home too veil to commute." 
 
 "Und leedle Augustus Appius, vare 
 
 48
 
 PINKELSRIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 is he?" inkvired der husband after a 
 vile. 
 
 "Leedle Augustus Appius has growed 
 up und deweloped der brain of a deep 
 thinker," set der vife. "Mit ten years 
 more study he vill be able to think deep 
 enough to invent a suburban train dot 
 vill haf der sense und courage to keep 
 on going until it reaches der place vare 
 it started for." 
 
 "Yes, Claudius," continuationed der 
 vife, "our leedle Appius is a scien- 
 tificker. Efery time he reads abouid a 
 new idea he sits down und invents it. 
 He is now vorking on a useless pole for 
 der vireless telegraph." 
 
 Der husband vent ouid on a thunder 
 strike. 
 
 "My, my, my!" set Goosedipper. "I 
 go avay on der G. T. & S. D. R. R., 
 und before I get back my children grow 
 up und get famous ! Such is der subur- 
 ban railroad system! Vare is leedle 
 Gladiolus? Ven I left she vas der 
 youngest. I hope she did not change 
 her mind during my absence." 
 
 "No," set der vife, "but she has 
 growed up to be a car-shy girl !" 
 
 "Car-shy!" echoed her husband. 
 
 "Yes," responded der vife. "Vunce 
 
 49
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ven she vas yust a leedle child 
 I t'ought I heard der shriek of a loco- 
 motive, und I fainted mit surprise. It 
 vas a false alarm, because der shriek 
 vas made py der patent medicine brew- 
 ery ofer behind der hill, but der scene 
 made a deep impression on Gladiolus. 
 Efer since dot moment she throws a fit 
 ven anybody mentions a railroad train, 
 because she doan'd believe dare is such 
 a ding in der vorld. But I haf sad und 
 bitter news for you, Qaudius ! Dit you 
 remember der cat dot you stepped on 
 dot day so long ago ven you vent avay 
 to vork for your vages? Veil, it died 
 two years after you took der 7:09 ac- 
 commodation. It vent ouid in der wil- 
 lage street to look at some groceries. 
 Der groceries belonged to der family 
 four doors below us in der next field. 
 So dit der hammer vich killed der cat !" 
 
 "Der growler vich hung on der vail ?" 
 vispered Goosedipper. 
 
 "I haf it as you left it," vispered 
 back der vife. 
 
 "Chase it," vas all he set. 
 
 DER END. 
 
 50
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Dis is my fairst eggsperience mit a 
 novel, Looey, so you vill oxcoos your 
 father if he ain't so stylish und so nu- 
 merous mit his lankvich like Bobbie 
 Chambers, und Gillie Parker, und 
 Roody Kiplink und all dem udder vord 
 carpenters. 
 
 Dis novel is not for der wulger gaze 
 of der crickick ; it is only for home con- 
 sumption. 
 
 Und ven your mother read it she 
 nearly consumed it all by vishing to 
 t'row it in der kitchen stove. 
 
 Your mother is a nice voman, Looey, 
 but she has not got a artistic tempera- 
 ture. 
 
 You say in der letter, Looey, dot your 
 intention to vent to Chicago py der 
 Lakes on vun of dose big vale-backers, 
 und could I gif you some adwice 
 abouid der ettyket of steamboats. 
 
 I ain'd no aut'ority on such, Looey, 
 but votefer is loose in my mind you 
 vas velcome mit it, my son. 
 
 I had made ouid a few rules abouid 
 vot you should not do on a big ocean 
 steamboat, vich can also be used for 
 fresh vater, und you should paste dese 
 in your hat. 
 
 61
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 You should commital dem to memory 
 in case der hat falls ofer der larboard 
 vatch ahoy und leaves you ettyketless, 
 yet. 
 
 RULES OF DER SEA. 
 
 Rule Fairst Ven in doubt lead 
 trump. 
 
 Rule Second In case of sea-sickness 
 go back home und begin all ofer. 
 
 Rule Next A passenger should nef- 
 er fall oferboard eggscept at his own 
 eggspense. 
 
 Rule Fort' Remember dot all der 
 high tides ain'd in der ocean, vich any 
 bartender can prove. 
 
 Rule Fift' If you doan'd see vot 
 you vant ask der second mate und you 
 vill get it goot und hart. 
 
 Rule Sigs Passengers vich desire to 
 svim in der ocean vill haf to furnish 
 deir own beach. 
 
 Rule Sefen If dare vas no sharks in 
 der ocean yust sit in a poker game und 
 you vill see dem. 
 
 Rule Eight If your friends refusal 
 to buy you a drink go up on der hurri- 
 cane deck und get blown off. 
 
 Rule Nine Der rubber-neck vagons 
 
 52
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 chenerally leave der foot of der stairs 
 efery half hour to go slumming in der 
 steerage. 
 
 Rule Ten Passengers should not 
 tease der boiler, because it is liable to 
 get sore und make a few scalding re- 
 marks, mebbe. 
 
 Rule Elefen Passengers on der 
 large ocean steamboats vill find der 
 golf links yust forvard und a leedle to 
 der starboard of der place vare you 
 splice der main brace. 
 
 Rule Twelf In case of a storm at 
 sea you vill find der life preserfers in 
 der Captain's safe, und you should put 
 on der preserfers in dis way: Fairst 
 you take your life in your hand und in- 
 troduce it to der preserfer. Den took 
 both ends of der leather strap und re- 
 moof der buckle mit your teet'. Now 
 borrow a match und see vot time it is. 
 If it is later den you eggspected, lift 
 der life preserfer ofer der left shoulder 
 so dot der eggstreme southern end of 
 der cross-section is supmerged. Now 
 unbutton der cosmopolitan und ignite 
 der gasoline, being eggstremely careful 
 to keep der face pointed at der north. 
 Valk backvards five paces und fall ofer- 
 board. If you float you vas aces up. 
 
 53
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Uddervise you must haf put der life 
 preserfer on wrong side ouid. 
 
 Mebbe dare is better rules of ettyket, 
 Looey, but dese is all I haf to help you 
 ofer der stormy vaters to-day.
 
 IV. 
 THE SELECTION OF A WIFE. 
 
 Home. To-day. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER LOOEY Ve 
 haf receifed your letter from 
 Atlantic City, und ve vas glat 
 to hear it dot pitzness vas goot mit 
 commercial trafeling, und dot your 
 healt' continuations to be plausible. 
 
 Your mother informations me dot 
 twice a veek regular you write a letter 
 to Bauerschmidt's daughter, Amelia. 
 
 Such is a nice idea, Looey, und I sup- 
 position dot soonest or latest you vill 
 took Amelia by der elbow und rush mit 
 her up to a minister. 
 
 Neferderleast, vile ve vas on dis sup- 
 checkt, I dink your father should gif 
 you some advice on dese matters, yet. 
 
 Nefer fall in luff in a hurry, Looey, 
 because, like der inimitable proverb of 
 der ancient Greeks, "To get in chail is 
 easy; to get ouid is annoying." 
 
 Und before comes der last final mo- 
 ment, ven der vord is spoken vich 
 means vedding inwitations or a suit mit 
 britches of promise, you should stop 
 
 55
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 und figure it ouid haf you selectioned 
 der right girl. 
 
 Many a man has lost all dot makes 
 life happy und sveet und choyous be- 
 cause he married mitouid finding ouid 
 had der girl enough money to support 
 both. 
 
 Many a fair young man, perhaps der 
 pride und choy of two or three doteful 
 parents, has chumped into der sea of 
 matrimony und froze to his death in its 
 icy vaters vile vaiting for a check from 
 der cruel father-in-law. 
 
 Ach, Himmel ! Looey, a opstinate 
 father-in-law mit a padlock on his 
 check-book has done more to put frost 
 on der holy bonds of matrimony den all 
 der udder evils compined. 
 
 Day after day bright und intelligent 
 young men put fair und luffly young 
 vimmen in borrowed benzine buggies 
 und rush shrieking avay to a cheap min- 
 ister in der suburbs. 
 
 Den der happy cubble sits patiently 
 in der parlor of der village tafern, vait- 
 ing for papa's telegram vich vill say : 
 "Come home at vunce, eferyding is for- 
 gifen und ve vill all valk togedder to 
 der Fairst National Bank in der morn- 
 ing." 
 
 56
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 But, alas ! no telegram arrivals, und 
 der veary bridegroom sits dare und vill 
 not be comforted because dare is nud- 
 ding in sight to live for eggscept vork, 
 vork, vork. 
 
 Und remember, Looey, alvays marry 
 a voman smaller den yourself, because 
 discretion is der better part of walor. 
 
 Alvays marry a voman vich knows a 
 goot choke ven she sees it, but it ain'd 
 necessary for her to tell you whose 
 choke it is ven you make it. 
 
 Dot's der trouble mit some peoples. 
 You make a fine choke und dey laugh 
 uproarifiedly, und bimeby, ven dey get 
 deir breathe back, but still holding vun 
 hand on deir side, dey say: "Chee! 
 ain't dot funny! und so originality! I 
 alvays liked dot choke since der fairst 
 time I read it in Mark Tvain's book." 
 
 Vy not laugh und let it go at dot ? 
 
 Annuder ding, Looey, ven you marry 
 a voman let her be a philosopheress, be- 
 cause if you should happen to lose your 
 chob dare vas nudding so nice to haf 
 around der house as a philosopheress. 
 
 She can sit dare py der hour und tell 
 you vot you could do mit your money 
 if you had it. 
 
 Alvays, Looey, alvays marry a vom- 
 
 67
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 an mit health und a large, broad appe- 
 tite. She should haf charity in her 
 heart und room next to it for efery dish 
 dot grows in der kitchen. 
 
 It is so distressful for a pleasant 
 chentleman to sit at der table mit a 
 small, timid leedle vife und haf her 
 throw der plate of hot spaghetti ouid 
 der dining-room vindow ven least eggs- 
 pected to. 
 
 If you vas ouid valking, Looey, mit 
 a young lady und you should slip on a, 
 banana's chacket, vatch her closely. 
 
 If she doan'd giggle marry her at 
 vunce. She has self-control. 
 
 If you should meet up mit a young 
 lady for der fairst time vich refusals 
 to eat ice cream ven you vas villing to 
 buy it, marry her at vunce. She is a 
 goot ding. 
 
 But, Looey, doan'd misunterstoot 
 your father's motives und dink dot I 
 vish you to marry all dese vimmen. 
 
 Far be it. 
 
 Der idea is, Looey, to find a girl vich 
 contains as many of dese wirtues as 
 possible, den yell for a minister. 
 
 I doan'd know vare you vill find such 
 a angel, but nit disperado, as der an- 
 cient Romans used to make it. 
 
 58
 
 IF YOU VA9 OL'ID VALKINO, LOOEY, MIT A YOUNG LADY UNI) 
 YOU SHOULD SLIP ON A BANANA'S CHACKET, VATCH HEK 
 CLOSELY. 
 
 Page 53.
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Mebbe Bauerschmidt's daughter has 
 dese qualificationments. 
 
 Mebbe she ain't. 
 
 Der only vay to find ouid is to save 
 up your money und marry her. 
 
 You haf my willingness. 
 
 Ve haf receifed your postal card 
 from der seashore vich eggsposes to 
 view der young lady valking on der 
 beach mit a nervous lobster clinging to 
 each arm. 
 
 It says in printing unterneath 'der 
 picture : "Loretta in her bathing suit." 
 
 Veil, vy doan'd she vear it? 
 
 If she has a bathing suit vy doan'd 
 she put it on? 
 
 I bet four dollars if it vas my beach 
 Loretta could not valk it mit nudding 
 between her und der ocean breezes 
 eggscept a mosquito-netting shirt-vaist 
 und a Chapanese lantern skirt. 
 
 Und, Looey, dot lobster on der left 
 looks familiar it ain't you, is it? 
 
 I haf not breathed dis suspicion to 
 your mother, because she, mit her 
 mother's luff for her boy, might not see 
 der resemblings, und it is alretty varm 
 enough at dis season of der year yet 
 mitouid hafing der house full mit hot 
 vords from a family argument. 
 
 59
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 You ask me in der letter, Looey, 
 could I suchchest some light conwersa- 
 tioning vile speaking mit a strange lady 
 for der fairst time at der seashore. 
 
 Because you vas my son, Looey, und 
 you may haf to rush suttenly into So- 
 ciety some day, I haf darefore author- 
 shipped a short cattlekism vich vill car- 
 ry you through der angry skurf vich 
 beats forefer on der social shore. 
 
 Let us supposition dot it is now after 
 dinner und you vas ouid on der pizazza 
 mit a strange but sveet young lady. 
 
 Let us supposition now, Looey, dot 
 she vas gracefully seated in a low-neck 
 chair on der pizazza vile you vas lean- 
 ing artistically against der upright vich 
 supports der roof und also a sign vich 
 says "Vet Paint." 
 
 From time to time you should gaze 
 ouid across der blue vaters of der ocean, 
 und den, turning your eyes on her mit 
 infinite manliness, firmly but surely 
 push ofer in her face a large bunch of 
 cigaroot smoke vich you haf no furder 
 use for. 
 
 Dis establishments vot der Svedes 
 call der ententy cordial, but doan'd let 
 her see dot you vas leaning against der
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 vet paint, because it ain'd time yet to 
 hand her a laugh. 
 
 Now you should slide into a rocking 
 chair und, as you do so, treat der at- 
 mosphere to annuder ouidburst of ciga- 
 root smoke. 
 
 For a leedle vile your two chairs vill 
 rock chently to und fro in unionsome, 
 den you vill pause und say: "Oxcoos, 
 please !" 
 
 Den you vill raise der right hand at a 
 angle of fourteen centimeters, mit der 
 palm ouidstretched, and you vill sut- 
 tenly bring it down on der lady's wrist, 
 eggsclaiming bitterly: "I got him dot 
 time !" 
 
 Dis is called der mosquito gambit, or 
 opening move, at der seashore. 
 
 Den you vill look ouid at der eggs- 
 pensive ocean und say : "It vas a beau- 
 tiful night to-night, ain't it, yes ?" 
 
 Der young lady vich has py dis time 
 remoofed der deceased mosquito from 
 her bracelet vill say : "Yes, t'ank you ; 
 und so vas last night, yes!" 
 
 Comes silence. 
 
 Den der young lady vill sigh und 
 speak at you dus : "Is your healt' im- 
 provemented here or do you intention 
 to took der mud baths ?" 
 
 61
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 You vill annoy der ashes on your 
 cigaroot und response: "No, t'ank 
 you. I haf been on der vater vagon 
 for ofer a veek, so I doan'd need to go 
 to Hot Springs." 
 
 Comes silence. 
 
 Two puffs und a svallow from der 
 cigaroot und you say : "Vas you going 
 to haf a new divorce dis Fall or vill you 
 use last Summer's?" 
 
 Den der young lady vill gaze moon- 
 vardly und response: "My husband 
 gets home so late at night dot ve haf 
 hat no chance to talk it ofer." 
 
 Comes silence. 
 
 Den mit a flutter of her eggspensive 
 lace hankumchief at der Chune bugs 
 der young lady svitches der conversa- 
 tioning to literature, und she says: 
 "Name der five best books in der vorld." 
 
 Vunce more you annoy der ashes on 
 your cigaroot und reply languidly: 
 "Der five best books vas Bank-book, 
 Check-book, Pocketbook, Mileage-book, 
 und Cook-book." 
 
 Conies silence. 
 
 After dis you vill small talk yourselfs 
 in dis fashion: 
 
 You It vas a beautiful day to-day, 
 ain'd it, yes ? 
 
 62
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 She Yes, thank you; and so is to- 
 morrow maybe. 
 
 You Vich dit you like best, der 
 ocean or der seashore ? 
 
 She I haf no preference, but if any- 
 ding, I like der mountains. 
 
 You Dit you go to Europe last 
 Summer ? 
 
 She No; der steamer vouldn't call 
 for my trunks. 
 
 You Does your husband like Bar 
 Harbor? 
 
 She No; he says home-made bars 
 vas goot enough for him. 
 
 You Vas you fond of pickled ice 
 cream ? 
 
 She No, thank you ; a high ball vill 
 'do nicely. 
 
 You Do you play golf mit der 
 Scotch or English accentuation? 
 
 She I prefer bridge vist, because I 
 vin two dollars at it yesterday. 
 
 You Do you vear your chewing 
 gum on der starboard or der port side ? 
 
 She No, but I vill puff a cigaroot 
 mit you if dare vas nobody looking. 
 
 You Vas you fond of literature ? 
 
 She It depends on who is der letter 
 from. 
 
 63
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 You Who vas your favorite author ? 
 
 She Der Mint 
 
 After dis you should change der sub- 
 ject, Looey, und show her how much 
 paint you haf removed mit your flannel 
 shirt. 
 
 Dis is alvays goot for a laugh at dis 
 season of der year. 
 
 Ve notice vot you say in der letter 
 abouid getting retty to vent to a Society 
 punkshun. 
 
 Dot vas right, Looey. 
 
 Nefer neglection pitzness for pleas- 
 ure, but ven you get through mit pitz- 
 ness it vas a goot idea to pleasure your- 
 self such as der t'eater or a Society 
 punkshun. 
 
 Personality, I haf hat much eggspe- 
 rience mit dese Society punkshuns, 
 Looey, und my advice on dese matters 
 vas eggstremely conclusive. 
 
 I dink I should gif you my rules vich 
 vill tell you how to act at dese punk- 
 shuns. 
 
 After you learn dese, Looey, den ven 
 it comes to shining in Society you vill 
 be der biggest shine in it, yet. 
 
 Listen, Looey! Ven entering So- 
 ciety alvays valk mit der feet pointing 
 to der northvest; und ven you mingle 
 
 64
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 mit der t'rong alvays keep der left hand 
 on der pocketbook, vile you throw der 
 right hand carelessly ofer der diamond 
 scarfpin in der corsage. Dis delays 
 suspicion. Ven leaving Society alvays 
 bow tvice in der direction of der dining- 
 room, den valk backwards und trust to 
 luck. 
 
 Listen, Looey! Ven der hostess in- 
 troductions you to a lady alvays inkvire 
 politefully vot is her age. If she says 
 it in small figures, raise der eyebrows 
 mit a slight doubt. If she doanM an- 
 swer she is no lady. 
 
 Listen, Looey! Ven at a Society 
 punkshun alvays smoke cigarettes mit 
 your initials on dem. Der idea of dese 
 initials is a happy vun, und preven- 
 tions much confusion should you vish 
 to resume smoking after der cigaroot 
 has became a butt. If anyvun else 
 should lay claim to your cigaroot you 
 can mit a flash of der eye point to der 
 initials und eggsclaim "Ha!" mit der 
 rising inflection on der last syllabus. 
 
 Listen, Looey ! Nefer reach ofer und 
 stab a hunk of bread mit your oster 
 fork ven dare vas a bigger fork on der 
 table. 
 
 Listen, Looey! Nefer eat fresh-laid 
 
 65
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 pickles mit a spoon. Dis is vun of der 
 most pitiful mistakes vich a chent could 
 make in Society. Use der tumb und 
 der leedle finger, sqveezing der victim 
 slightly until it is still und motionless. 
 Den bite it mitouid fear. 
 
 Listen, Looey! You can alvays tell 
 a Edam from a Camembert py der kind 
 of stories he tells. 
 
 Listen, Looey! Ven you haf placed 
 your napkin arount der neck yust be- 
 fore dinner, nefer ask for a safety pin. 
 Stick der fork through it und vade in. 
 
 Listen, Looey! If you doan'd like 
 der cherry in your cocktail doan'd t'row 
 it at your host. Mebbe he doan'd know 
 how to take a choke. 
 
 Listen, Looey! Ven dinner is ofer 
 nefer ask der hostess vot is for break- 
 fast. It is unrefined to be so appetite- 
 ful in puplic. 
 
 Listen, Looey! Vile vaiting at der 
 table for der demmy tash nefer arise at 
 der table to make a recitation or try to 
 sing der Star Sprinkled Banner. 
 
 Doan'd start anyding, Looey. 
 
 Let dot be your vatchvord alvays 
 doan'd start anyding. 
 
 I haf several udder rules, Looey, but 
 
 66
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 sufficient unto der dining-room is der 
 menu dareof. 
 
 Above all dings, Looey, get your 
 ettyket vorking in fairst-class order, 
 den you vill nefer make a fox pass at a 
 Society punkshun. 
 
 Your mother und me vas also at der 
 seashore, und ve yust got back, poorer, 
 thinner, und mit a vistful look in our 
 eyes. 
 
 Abouid two veeks ago I set to your 
 mother at home vun efening: "My 
 dear, it is such a hotness in der humid- 
 ity of der atmosphericals, darefore, half 
 ve no friends in Atlantic City to vich 
 ve owe a wisit ? Remember, our honor 
 is at stake, because ve should pay our 
 debts alvays. Try hard to recollection 
 some vun ve owe a wisit to !" 
 
 Your mother set: "Dare vas der 
 Picklesauers on Kentucky Afenue. I 
 entertained Mrs. Picklesauer und her 
 daughter, Harmonica, at a luncheon 
 vun day. I met dem in a compartment 
 store, und ve hat some shredded cante- 
 loupe and prunes passepartout. She 
 inwited me to call on her ven I vas in 
 Atlantic City perhaps ve owe her, 
 yes!" 
 
 67
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Does der Picklesauers lif near der 
 Boardvalk vare ve can sit in der parlor 
 vindow und can see der wisions of fair 
 vimmen und brafe mens mit shapes on 
 dem like a Spanish mackerel as dey 
 emerge from der briny billows?" I in- 
 kvired. 
 
 "No, der Boardvalk is some distance 
 und quite unseeable from der Pickle- 
 sauer house," your mother responded. 
 
 "Gif yourself a receipt for dot debt; 
 it is paid," I vispered. "Try now to 
 pay someding near der Boardvalk. 
 Vot is der use to meet a social obliga- 
 tion unless ve get a rebate ?" 
 
 "Dare vas Mr. und Mrs. Shauer- 
 bath," set your mother. "Dey keep a 
 boarding-house near der ocean, und I 
 entertained dem vunce on a Broadvay 
 car by having a dispute mit der con- 
 ductor abouid my fare. Mebbe now 
 is der appointed time to pay such a so- 
 cial obligation, yes." 
 
 Mit a burning desire in our hearts to 
 be honest before der vorld und pay dis 
 wisit vich ve owed so long und so un- 
 chustly ve packed up a few hand bag- 
 gages und rushed to Atlantic City. 
 
 Ve soon found der Shauerbath board- 
 ing-house, und der Shauerbaths re- 
 
 68
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ceifed us mil open arms, open faces, 
 und open pocketbooks. 
 
 Dey immediately took down all der 
 social bars und put us at our ease by 
 charging us fifteen dollars a day for 
 vun room ofer a bathing pavilion, und 
 ven ve eggsplained mit tears in our eyes 
 dot ve vas on a pilgrimage to pay our 
 honest debts mit a long-forgotten wisit, 
 dey smiled feverishly und set dey vould 
 radder ve owed dem der wisit forefer 
 if ve vould pay dem der cash for der 
 room. 
 
 Und dis is how it came abouid dot 
 your mother und I had to put on patent 
 eye-glasses so ve could see eferyding 
 double und try to get our money's 
 vorth at Atlantic City. 
 
 Much could be said abouid der sights 
 ve saw, und some day ven my pocket- 
 book loses its hectic flush mebbe I vill 
 say it, but not now, Looey ; not now. 
 
 Among some of der eggscitement 
 vich your mother dragged me into vas 
 a very svell ball vich vas gifen on vun 
 of der piers ouid ofer der boozum of 
 der ocean. 
 
 Smart Setters und leaders of local 
 Four Hundreds from Plainfield, N. J. ; 
 Dover, Del. ; East Saginavv, Mich. ; Eau 
 
 89
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Claire, Wis. ; Havre de Grace, Md. ; 
 Painted Post, N. Y. ; Kalamazoo, 
 Mich., und udder spots on der map vas 
 present in large numbers, und diamond 
 tararas burst fort' from chentle boozums 
 mit all der eggscitement und glitter of 
 a gas bill. 
 
 Nefer before dit I see such a vunder- 
 ful collection of fair vimmens, dressed 
 mit all der stylishness dot money can 
 buy, und brafe men vich vas der very 
 fountain heads of svell society. 
 
 I hat often noticed dot der easiest vay 
 to become a famousness is to plaster 
 der hair down tight ofer a qvick fore- 
 head, peel der coat sleeves back so der 
 vite cuffs vill show, den smile loosely 
 und enter society. 
 
 I vould like to mention der names of 
 a few of dose I met at dis ocean Ball, 
 fund vot dey vore, yust to show you, 
 Looey, dot my powers of opservation- 
 ment vas no slouch, alretty. 
 
 Among der Smart Setters mit vich 
 we minkled vas dese, as following: 
 Mr. und Mrs. Leopold Pigglesouse, 
 Mr. und Mrs. Heiney Ganderkurds, 
 und deir daughter, Concertina ; Mr. und 
 Mrs. Beanlifter, und deir son, Pinochle ; 
 Mr. und Mrs. Gust Schmittpiggle, und 
 
 70
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 deir two daughters, Panatella und Per- 
 fecto; Mr. und Mrs. Oscar Hoffbrew, 
 und deir niece, Mercedes Cauliflower, 
 und many udders too notable to men- 
 tion. 
 
 Mrs. Pigglesouse vore heavy blue 
 satin appliqued across der corsage mit 
 four per cent. Gufferment bonds und 
 trimmed mit vite chiffon. She vore 
 abouid eight volts of alternating dia- 
 monds. 
 
 Mrs. Ganderkurds looked luffly in a 
 creation in three acts literally translated 
 from der French und cut bias efery- 
 vare eggscept der bill. She vore 
 enough pearls to short-circuit abouid 
 nine volts of diamonds. 
 
 Miss Concertina Ganderkurds vore a 
 charming confectionery of taffy-col- 
 ored bombasine hand-painted mit 
 Standard Oil stock across der bodice 
 und trimmed mit magenta moire an- 
 tique mit Colorado madura lace. She 
 vore vun arc light at der apex of der 
 t'roat. 
 
 Mrs. Oscar Hoffbrew vore a home- 
 made gown of purple und green silk 
 trimmed mit horseradish chiffon ofer a 
 corsage of chinchilla welvet, spangled 
 mit imitation mixed pickles. Ofer der 
 
 71
 
 DINKEJ-SPtEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 vishbone she vore a necklace of incan- 
 descent diamonds of abouid ten am- 
 peres. 
 
 Miss Panatella Schmittpiggle vore a 
 crepe de chene bodice mit a scrambled 
 egg effect in vite tulle, und to show dot 
 she lived in Williamsburg, und vas 
 proud of it, she had der skirt trimmed 
 mit pink transfers. 
 
 Miss Mercedes Cauliflower vore a 
 hand-stitched gown of blue corduroy 
 cut low on der applique, mit a Brussels 
 sprouts effect on der bodice. She vore 
 a bunch of diamonds on der chest, vich 
 vas trained to gif a imitation of a camp 
 fire. 
 
 Der Ball vas a big success, but ve left 
 early because, Looey, vot is der use to 
 pay fifteen dollars a day for a room ven 
 you ain'd in it? 
 
 72
 
 V. 
 
 THE WAY A KING SHOULD 
 REIGN. 
 
 Home. Now. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER SON LOOEY 
 Ve haf receifed your letter 
 from Harrisburg, Pa., und 
 your mother und me vas glat dot pitz- 
 ness still keeps up moneymakingly on 
 .der road. 
 
 I notice vot you say in your letter 
 abouid meeting a Roosian refugeezer 
 in Harrisburg. 
 
 I vas glad to learn dot dis political 
 refugeezer tolt you all abouid der new 
 Roosian parliament vich is called der 
 Duma, in honor of Alexander Duma, 
 und also abouid der members of parlia- 
 ment, vich vas called Dummies, in hon- 
 or of our United States Senate. 
 
 Der next time you meet up mit dis 
 Roosian refugeezer, I vish you vould 
 show him der following letter vich I 
 wrote to der Sar of all der Roosians 
 some time ago. 
 
 73
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Der letter has nefer been answered, 
 so I doan'd know vedder dit der Sar 
 get it or vedder it go to some station 
 vare dey vas holding a massacre, und 
 by dis means get in der dead-letter of- 
 fice. 
 
 Anyvay, I vish, Looey, you vould 
 show it to your Roosian friend, der po- 
 litical refugeezer, und haf him tell you 
 vot he dinks abouid it. 
 
 Dis is it, yet : 
 
 New York. Yesterday. 
 
 Mein Lieber Sar of All der Roosians : 
 Good morning! How is your Duma 
 dis morning? 
 
 I haf been reading in der cablegraphs 
 all abouid der meeting of your new 
 Parliament, und vile I can, mithouid 
 any inconveniencys, conceal my admi- 
 ration for its christening name, still I 
 dink der idea a goot vun. 
 
 You know der olt proverb, Nicholas, 
 "Better late den seldom." 
 - Vy do dey call it der Duma, Nicho- 
 las? 
 
 Is dis a nickname gifen by you, Nick ? 
 
 I fear me not, Nicholas, because from 
 der vay I size up der sitivation in St. 
 Petersburg der truth is dot der Leedle 
 Father vas crawling a leedle farther 
 
 74
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 into der tall grass efery time der vord 
 Liberty vas mentioned. 
 
 Mein lieber Nick, if you vas a fairst- 
 class Kink vy do you gif such a good 
 imitation of der four-spot? 
 
 My idea of a Kink is a man mit a 
 firm und unsquinchable heart, like der 
 conductor of a street car vich vorks 
 ouid in der darkness all alone until he 
 gets der trolley on vunce more und re- 
 stores der light to his luffing subjects. 
 
 You know, Nicholas, yust because 
 your family name happens to be Roam- 
 ingoff dot is no goot reason vy you 
 should pick ouid "Back to der voods" 
 to be your vatchvord venefer a crisis 
 calls you up on der tellyfone. 
 
 Nick, listen a leedle by your olt col- 
 lege chump, Dinky. Gif dem bum rel- 
 atives of yours der frozen eye, und 
 make dem all go to vork for a living in- 
 stead of sitting around der dining-room 
 at der Palace hanging medals on deir 
 boozums for breaking der vorld's long- 
 distance record in der matter of eating 
 caviare samviches. 
 
 Do a Siberian side-step avay from 
 der Grand Dooks, Nickie, und listen a 
 leedle to Vox Populi. 
 
 After all vas said und done, Nick, it 
 
 75
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 vas olt Vox Populi dot has to dig down 
 in der jeans ven your salary days rolls 
 around, und if you keep on gifing him 
 der royal elbow, sooner or later Vox 
 vill step up to der feet of der throne 
 und hand you a complete lesson in Jap- 
 anese Jewish jitsu. 
 
 My idea of a Kink is to see him on 
 der throne, mit der skepter in his right 
 hand, mit der crown hanging rakishly 
 ofer der left ear, mit a sveet smile on 
 der Kinkly lips und luff und compas- 
 sion in der Kinkly heart for eferybody 
 in der vorld eggscept der dramatic crit- 
 ics. 
 
 It vas impossible for me to imagine a 
 real Kink mit a red sveater ofer his 
 embonpoint und mit ball-bearing snow- 
 shoes on der feets hiking down der 
 Neva Prospeckt Parkski, on und avay 
 und avay across der barren steppes, yust 
 because Tomovitch Smithski und Pe- 
 teski Jonesoff called at der family en- 
 trance to der Palace to present His 
 Metchesty mit a kick against der gas 
 company. 
 
 Remember, Nick, vot it says in der 
 olt Greek proverb, "A Kink in der 
 throne is vorth two in der cellar," so
 
 _. 
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 come on ouid und begin to cut a leedle 
 ice. 
 
 Go on down to der morning session 
 of der Duma und let Senator Tillmanc- 
 vitch call you a liar in der goot olt 
 Democratic vay. 
 
 If you treat your luffing subjects mit 
 consideration, Nick, dey vill soon learn 
 not to try to treat you mit dynamite 
 efery time your buckboardski appears 
 on der Speedvayovitch. 
 
 If you lead dem ofer to der chentle 
 paths of fair play, der bushy-viskered 
 brigade vill not be so eager to lead you 
 ofer to der third rail und set fire to 
 your spark arrester. 
 
 Der poet vas right, Nick, ven he set 
 it, "Kind hearts vas more den coroners, 
 und simple faith den drawing blood." 
 
 You cannot eggspectation your luff- 
 ing subjects to be full mit enthusinism 
 ofer your Kinkly firevorks und shout 
 "Sissovitch ! Boomovitch ! Ahski !" 
 vile a red-viskered Cossack is picking 
 flaws in deir short ribs mit a bayonet. 
 
 A Kink mit a perpetual grouch soon 
 finds himself in der discard, but a Kink 
 mit a glat heart is aces. 
 
 Dink it ofer, Nick, und write me ven 
 you get near a post office. 
 
 77
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Please, Looey, ven you see your 
 friend, der Roosian refugeezer, ask him 
 vy der Sar doan'd answer my letter. 
 
 Ve vas glat dot you vas doing so 
 veil on der road mit your drummering 
 pitzness, und I hope dese lines vill find 
 you enchoying many such blessings as 
 hidderto. 
 
 Ve vas all veil at home mit der eggs- 
 ception dot your mother has fallen a 
 wictim of der fanatic spelling. 
 
 For veeks und veeks she has been 
 reading in der newspapers about dis 
 terrible disease, und day before yester- 
 day she threw up both hands und com- 
 plained of a pain in her syllables. 
 
 Der disease den attacked her adjec- 
 tifs, und an hour later she vas down und 
 ouid mit congestion of der adverbs, vile 
 her syntax seemed to be suffering mit 
 a high fever. 
 
 You know, Looey, your mother has 
 a very artistic temperature vich makes 
 her eggstremely perceptible to dese 
 modern diseases. 
 
 I see by your letter, Looey, dot you 
 haf not yet been wictimized by dis fa- 
 natic spelling, eggscept in der case of 
 a big vord ven you meet it suddenly. 
 
 But efer since you vas a leedle fellow 
 
 78
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 at school, Looey, I haf alvays noticed 
 dot you vould insult a big vord und 
 treat it like a fanatic. 
 
 Howefer, ve vill let bygones be has 
 beens und return to der supcheckt of 
 fanatic spelling, vich is now der loosest 
 topic of conversationing in der news- 
 papers at der present moment, yet. 
 
 Andrew Carnegie, der Hoot Mon, is 
 der papa of fanatic spelling. 
 
 Und dis is how it came abouid : An- 
 drew vas sitting at his desk vun day, 
 feeling at peace mit all der vorld eggs- 
 cept a small town in Indiana vich hat 
 refused vun of his libraries. 
 
 "Vot could I do to make der vorld 
 happier, I vunder?" soliquidized An- 
 drew, ven yust den his secretary valked 
 in und set : "Excoos me, Andy, but in 
 dot letter you yust dictationed how 
 should I spell der vord flivver?" 
 
 "Der k is silent," eggsplained An- 
 drew, lighting his seegar mit eggstreme 
 carelessfulness. 
 
 "Pardon, Andy," der secretary in- 
 sistified, "but how could der pronoun 
 flivver contain der vowel k, please ?" 
 
 "According to der rule of der hy- 
 pothenuse vich silences any letter be- 
 
 79
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ginning mit a dipthong," eggsplained 
 Andrew, smiling beardedly. 
 
 "Ah!" set der secretary; "quite so; 
 but I vas using der vord flivver in its 
 financial sense. I vish to call your at- 
 tention to der fact dot two V's vas equal 
 to a ten-spot; so I ask you, vy should 
 ve be so eggstravagant ?" 
 
 "Your economy t'rills me," set An- 
 drew ; "spell der vord flivver mit vun v 
 und put der udder v back in der safe. 
 Because I haf many v's is no reason I 
 should be a spendtrift. Der vord fliv- 
 ver mit one v, please !" 
 
 Und dus, Looey, vas started der idea 
 of fanatic spelling, und dis same fanatic 
 spelling has now cast its bitter spell 
 ofer your mother. 
 
 She wrote a note last week to Mrs. 
 Bauerschmidt, asking her to come to 
 dinner vun efening ven I vas avay, but 
 dare vas so much fanatic spelling in it 
 dot Mrs. Bauerschmidt came to break- 
 fast on Monday und stayed until last 
 Vednesday efening. 
 
 Your mother also wrote a fanatic 
 spelling letter to der plumber to ask 
 him to fix der sink in der kitchen, und 
 ven der plumber read it he t'ought ve 
 vas making fun of him und lemonizing 
 
 80
 
 "YOUR ECONOMY T'RILLS ME," SET ANDREW; "SPELL DER 
 VORD FLIVVER MIT VCN V USD PUT DER UDDER V BACK 
 IN DEI: SAFE." 
 
 Page 80.
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 him abouid his loose education, so he 
 grabbed a hatchet und a piece of lead 
 pipe und spoiled sigsty dollars' vorth 
 of our furniture before ve could eggs- 
 plaination our innocence. 
 
 I dink in my heart, Looey, dot fa- 
 natic spelling vas a goot idea for dose 
 vich haf chills und fever efery time dey 
 meet a long, busy vord. 
 
 But to a goot speller like myself nud- 
 dings looks so veil as English pure and 
 undefied. 
 
 We notice in your letter vare you ob- 
 serf dot you haf formally opened der 
 t'eatrical season of dis year by venting 
 to see a play called "Uncle Tom's Cab- 
 in," vich you vitnessed for der fairst 
 time. 
 
 It is a nice idea, Looey, to go to der 
 t'eater und get eggsercise for der men- 
 talities, eggspecially der vorks of 
 Shakespeare such as dis "Uncle Tom's 
 Cabin," vich you mention. 
 
 For many yars I haf not vitnessed 
 "Uncle Tom's Cabin," but as I recollec- 
 tion it now it vas a play full mit a hap- 
 py combination of tears, pat'os, laugh- 
 ter und misplaced ferry tickets. 
 
 Your mother spoke to me abouid it, 
 dit I efer see der play, und she vas 
 
 81
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 much obliged ven I recitationed to her 
 all dot I could remembrance abouid it. 
 
 I enclose to you my memory of "Un- 
 cle Tom's Cabin" in dese vords, as fol- 
 lowing, to vit, Looey : 
 
 ACT FAIRST. 
 
 Der scene baffles my description, so 
 der act vill haf to begin mit der speech- 
 ifiers. 
 
 "Uncle Tom!" 
 
 "Veil, leedle Eva, vot is it, yes !" 
 
 "Vas dare any vun night stands in 
 heafen, Uncle Tom?" 
 
 "Not yet, because only veek-stand 
 actors efer get dare!" 
 
 "Uncle Tom !" 
 
 "Veil, leedle Eva, vot is it, yes !" 
 
 "Haf you counted der house ?" 
 
 "Not yet, but I vill ein, zwei, drei, 
 vier, funf, sechs das ist alles !" 
 
 "Uncle Tom!" 
 
 "Veil, leedle Eva, vot is it, yes !" 
 
 "Is it only sigs audiences in der house 
 to-night?" 
 
 "Only und less, because two is not 
 audiences. Dey vas criticals, und dey 
 came in on passes." 
 
 "Vich leaves but four audiences, und 
 vot is der scales on der prices ?" 
 
 82
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Ten-twen-thirt, leedle Eva!" 
 
 Den der orchestra gets up und he 
 
 plays a cubble of slow chords. 
 
 Der moonlight blisters der outside of 
 
 der Ohio River und makes a climax. 
 
 ACT SECOND. 
 
 "Uncle Tom !" 
 
 "Veil, leedle Eva, vot is it, yes?" 
 
 "Let us hope dey vent der limit und 
 paid thirty cents vich gifs us $1.20, 
 yes!" 
 
 "You forget der house gets a rake- 
 off!" 
 
 "Vot vill ve get ouid of it, Uncle 
 Tom?" 
 
 "I luff you too veil, leedle Eva, to 
 mention such a sour sum of money." 
 
 "Uncle Tom!" 
 
 "Veil, leedle Eva, vot is it, yes !" 
 
 "Vot is a shine?" 
 
 "A shine, leedle Eva, is a large audi- 
 ence vich remains avay from der thea- 
 ter!" 
 
 "Nefer mind, Uncle Tom ; ve can go 
 in der fruit pitzness if dey hand us 
 enough lemons!" 
 
 Der two bleedhounds now approach 
 der property man near der calf of der 
 leg, vich makes a climax.
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ACT THIRD. 
 
 "Stood back, Simon Legree!" 
 
 "Dis, tome?" 
 
 "You may vip dis olt black skin, but 
 my heart is more vhite den yours, Si- 
 mon Legree!" 
 
 "It should be you hat a glass of 
 milk for dinner !" 
 
 "Simon, cease to vhip me vile I ask 
 you, vare do ve go from here ?" 
 
 "If I vas a mind-reader I would not 
 be in dis pitzness, Uncle Tom !" 
 
 Den Eliza rushes into der Ohio River 
 und starts for der udder shore, but der 
 ice is nailed to der floor und refuses to 
 be a ferry-boat. Dis makes a climax. 
 
 ACT FOUR. 
 
 "Uncle Tom!" 
 
 "Veil, leedle Eva, vot is it, yes?" 
 
 "Vas dere a bad place to vent to ven 
 ve die?" 
 
 "Belief me, dare is, leedle Eva, but 
 it is closed during der t'eatrical sea- 
 son." 
 
 "Vy, Uncle Tom?" 
 
 "So dot der party dot runs it can
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 took a trip around der vun-night stands 
 und get some new ideas how to make it 
 hot for us." 
 
 "Uncle Tom!" 
 
 "Veil, leedle Eva, vot is it, yes ?" 
 
 "I dink I hear der bleedhounds bay- 
 ing." 
 
 "No, leedle Eva, it is not so much 
 baying as it is indichestion. Der bleed- 
 hounds haf yust eaten up der scenery 
 for der last act." 
 
 Den der manager steps ouid und in- 
 formations der audience dot der dogs 
 haf consolidated mit der scenery. If 
 der audience vants its money back dey 
 can get it from der bleedhounds, vich 
 vill be untied. Dis makes der most 
 t'rilling climax of der show, und der 
 audience falls ouid der vindow und goes 
 home, eggscited, but happy. 
 
 (CURTAIN.) 
 
 Vas dis anyding like der vay dey 
 played it, Looey? 
 
 Maybe it is dot my memory is getting 
 deflective, yet. 
 
 You know, Looey, ven Shakespeare 
 fairst adaptationed "Uncle Tom's Cab- 
 in" from der French, it vas his idea to 
 play it only in der large cities. 
 
 85
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 But Shakespeare dit not lif long 
 enough to protect his vork by der copy- 
 right law, und here ve see it, going to 
 der dogs, scene by scene, und climax by 
 climax. 
 
 Alas! ven der finish comes ve may 
 eggsclaim mit dis same poet, "A nose 
 by any udder name vill vin a horse 
 race." 
 
 Ve vas enchoying nice healt' at home, 
 mit der eggception dot your mother is 
 der wictim of an attack of obesity in 
 her avoirdupause. 
 
 Some kind friend told your mother 
 dot obesity in der avoirdupause is easy 
 to cure if you go abouid it right, und 
 dot no voman need go through dis vorld 
 leading a double chin. 
 
 Veil, Looey, your mother vent after 
 dot obesity in her avoirdupause, und 
 for a veek our vunce peaceful home 
 has looked like der orichinal rough 
 house. 
 
 Fairst, Mrs. Bauerschmidt, vich 
 Veighs abouid 231, tolt your mother dot 
 she kept her veight down mit eggser- 
 eise, so I hat to rush to der store und 
 buy a rowing machine, a cubble of In- 
 chun clubs, und a bunch of deaf und 
 dumb bells. 
 
 86
 
 PINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Der next morning, abouid five o'clock 
 in der daylight, your mother chumped 
 on board der rowing machine urid bore 
 avay to der northvest, mit a strong ebb 
 tide on der port bow. 
 
 She was abouid four miles up der 
 river und going hard ven a strap broke, 
 und your mother vent oferboard mit a 
 splash dot upset most of der furniture 
 in der room und knocked der manicure 
 set down behind der bureau. 
 
 Vun of der oars vent up in der air 
 und landed on der bridge of my nose, 
 because my face happened to be in der 
 vay ven der oar came down. 
 
 Ven luffing hands pulled your mother 
 ouid of der interior of a rocking chair 
 ve found dot, mit der help of der row- 
 ing machine, she hat lost nearly two 
 pounds of obesity, mostly off der end 
 of her elbow. 
 
 Der next day Mrs. Schmalz, vich 
 veighs abouid 246, tolt your mother dot 
 she vas not using der best kind of phys- 
 ical torture, so I vent to der store und 
 bought her vun of dose rubber machin- 
 eries vich fastens on der vail und you 
 pull it mit handles. 
 
 Bright und early der next morning 
 your mother grabbed der handles und 
 
 87
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 vas getting avay from her obesity at der 
 rate of an ounce an hour, ven suttently 
 vun of der rubber strings broke und 
 someding kicked your mother just vare 
 a goot singer gets der coloratura. 
 
 Ven your mother fell vounded on der 
 field of battle efery picture on der vails 
 fell mit her, und dare vas such a crash 
 dot der cook thought der end of der 
 vorld vas cameing, so she ran scream- 
 ing in der direction of Paterson, New 
 Chersey. 
 
 A dash of cold vater on der features 
 of her face brought your mother to, und 
 she found dot all she hat lost by dis 
 process vas her breath und a cubble of 
 side combs for der hair. 
 
 Mrs. Grossmeyer dropped in dot day 
 und tolt your mother dot der only goot 
 vay to reduce der obesity of der avoir- 
 dupause vas to took a long valk, so 
 your mother picked ouid a long valk 
 und took it. 
 
 After she vas gone abouid sigs hours 
 und it vas getting dark she called me 
 up on der large-distance telephone und 
 broke der news to me dot she hat 
 valked abouid fifteen miles und hat 
 been so eggstravagant dot she hat used 
 up all der valkability und she vould haf 
 
 88
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 to stay dare in a foreign land alone und 
 among udder strangers unless I sent a 
 cab for her. 
 
 Ven your mother got home dot night 
 she found dot all der obesity she hat 
 lost vas her pocketbook mit ten dollars 
 in it, und I lost abouid ten dollars for 
 der cab hire, making a total of four 
 pounds, English money. 
 
 A day or two later Mrs. Weinberg, 
 der vife of Gus Weinberg, der moosical 
 plumber, tolt your mother dot der only 
 sure cure for obesity und fatty regen- 
 eration vas to took electric baths, so ve 
 hat vun rigged up vich vas a great 
 shock to my pocketbook. 
 
 Der fairst morning your mother vent 
 inside of der framevork und sat among 
 der electric lamps mit only her head 
 ouid in der atmosphere for abouid two 
 hours. Den she came ouid smiling und 
 set she felt fine, und dot she must haf 
 lost abouid ten pounds. I peeped in- 
 side to look der bath ofer, und found 
 dot she hat forgot to turn der current 
 on. 
 
 Next morning ven she vent after der 
 electric bath I turned der current on 
 myself to make it sure, und ven your 
 mother stepped in it she eggscidently 
 
 89
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 put her foot on an ohm or someding 
 vich tickled her so dot she let a yell 
 ouid vich froze der bleed in my weins. 
 
 Den she put der udder foot down, 
 und dot landed on a volt or an ampere 
 or some foolish ding vich caused your 
 mother to become a short circuit. 
 
 Looey, she vas der shortest circuit 
 you efer vitnessed! 
 
 For a cubble of minutes dot room 
 looked like a thunder storm, mit your 
 mother playing der thunder. 
 
 Ven I got der current turned off und 
 all der live wires ouid of her hair she 
 became collapseable on der sofa und 
 she eggsclaimed: "Take it avay! take 
 it avay ! Now I know vot a hard life 
 der third rail must lead !" 
 
 I dink der electricsissity has cured 
 your mother, Looey, und hereafter she 
 vill be satisfied to go through life lead- 
 ing der double chin as Nature inten- 
 tioned. 
 
 I vas to-day looking ofer dot book 
 vich you gafe to leedle Max for his last 
 Christmas stockings, vich is called 
 "Mother Geese." 
 
 You know, Looey, books haf a great 
 mysteriousness abouid dem, doan'd dey, 
 Looey? 
 
 90
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Took dis "Mother Geese," for an in- 
 stance. Here is a book full mit nud- 
 dings but nonsense, und yet it has lived, 
 vile a million sensible books haf died. 
 
 Here is a book mitouid a plot und 
 mitouid a author, und yet it has been 
 a success, vile plenty of books mit two 
 plots und two authors hafen't made 
 enough money to buy a ham samvich. 
 
 Here is a book mit such bum rhym- 
 ings und bad poetry in it dot it must 
 haf been made py a song writer, und 
 yet der name lives to-day in many a 
 household, vare Goethe ain'd on der 
 wisiting list, und Lord Byron vould get 
 der door slammed in his face. 
 
 It seems too bad, Looey, ven a book 
 is such a success as "Mother Geese" 
 dot it ain'd got someding in it vich 
 vould listen veil to der grown-uppers 
 in dis day und cheneration. 
 
 If der anominous author of "Mother 
 Geese" hat a gas bill come in vun efe- 
 ning yust as he sat down to slice off a 
 few slivers from his immortal cheese, 
 yust dink vot a difference it vould haf 
 made to posterity, yet. 
 
 Ve vould read it den in "Mother 
 Geese" something like dis, Looey: 
 
 91
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Sing a song of suffocate, 
 
 Gas has took a sneak, 
 Plumbers in der cellar now 
 
 Looking for der leak. 
 Sister's gone for der police, 
 
 Brother's took a trip; 
 Cook is in der kitchen yet, 
 
 Packing up her grip; 
 Mama's fainted mit her head 
 
 On der vindozv sill; 
 Papa's in der drawing-room 
 
 Fighting mit der bill. 
 
 You see it, Looey, here is der idea of 
 combinationing pitzness mit pleasure, 
 vich der anominous author of "Mother 
 Geese" nefer t'ought of, alretty. Den, 
 mit tears on his cheeks, he vould look 
 at der gas bill again, und dis vould be 
 der result: 
 
 Leedle Chock Horner 
 
 Sat py der corner 
 Vatching der meter go round! 
 
 He eggsclaimed mit a squeak, 
 
 "Dis gas it vas veak 
 But der price has a very loud sound!" 
 
 Can you see him, Looey, his eyes mit 
 a fine frenchy rolling, vile he takes an- 
 nuder peep at dot hated bill, und den 
 bursts forth in song again like dis : 
 
 92
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Chack und Chill 
 
 Vent up der hill 
 
 To get a tallow candle, 
 
 Because der bill 
 
 For gas vas still 
 
 Too large for dem to handle! 
 
 Den, Looey, can you see der anomi- 
 nous author of "Mother Geese," ven, 
 after hurling dot gas bill across der 
 room, he grabbed his pencil und paper 
 und committed dese lines to nefer-dy- 
 ing fame : 
 
 Old Mother Hubbard 
 She vent py der cubboard 
 
 To get her poor doggie a bone; 
 Der gas meter dare 
 Vas asleep in its lair, 
 
 Und der doggie he started it goin'. 
 Old Mother Hvbbard 
 She Hew from der cubboard 
 
 Mit fright und mit anger as veil; 
 Vile der meter smoked up 
 At der bark of der pup 
 
 Und so der poor doggie got der deifel! 
 
 Ach, veil, Looey, vot is der use! 
 "Avay, avay, mit vain aigrettes!" as 
 der bird set ven it lost its tail-fedders. 
 
 Kind regards to Chon Drew vich 
 likes dis leedle choke, yet. 
 
 93
 
 VI. 
 
 THE GRAND OLD GAME OF 
 DRAW. 
 
 Home. To-day. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER SON LOOEY- 
 I haf receifed your letter from 
 Chinchinnatti vich informa- 
 tions me dot you stayed up all night 
 T'ursday playing poker und only lost 
 a dollar sigsty. 
 
 If you hat to play poker, Looey, I 
 am glad dot you stayed up all night at 
 it. Ven you fairst mentioned der vord 
 in your letter I vas afraid to read 
 furder for fear I vould see it dot at 12 
 o'clock you got a kink in your instep 
 und quit four dollars vinner. 
 
 If you play der game play it like a 
 sport, Looey, und vear ofershoes to 
 keep your feets varm. 
 
 To me, Looey, nuddings vas so dis- 
 gusting as der poker player dot gets 
 der congestion of der ankles efery time 
 he vins two dollars ofer his car fare. 
 
 94
 
 DINKEUSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Poker players vas divided into two 
 classes, Looey, der Companions of der 
 Cold Feets, und der Leedle Brothers 
 of der Boost. 
 
 Der Companions of der Cold Feets 
 make der most money; but der Leedle 
 Brothers of der Boost haf all der fun ; 
 und dis is a pretty tough old vorld if 
 ve doan'd haf a leedle fun mit each ud- 
 der, ain'd it, Looey? 
 
 For instant, Looey, took your Uncle 
 Oscar Schmittberger. He is vun of 
 der Companions of der Cold Feets. 
 
 Uncle Oscar nefer sat in a game of 
 poker in his life mitouid being prepared 
 to haf pneumonia in both heels der mo- 
 ment he vas ahead of der game sigs 
 dollars' vorth. 
 
 Uncle Oscar plays dem close to his 
 appendicitis, Looey, und efery time he 
 fills a four-flush he feels an awful 
 draught on der floor. 
 
 He has his feets so veil trained dot 
 efery time deir owner rakes in a pot 
 mit eight blue checks in it dey gif him 
 der ice-house signal to cease firing und 
 cash in before der bank eggsplodes. 
 
 Ve hat a leedle poker party at home 
 last Monday night, und for seferal days
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 aftervards ve enchoyed der money left 
 mit us by our luffing neighbors. 
 
 Dare vas your mother, und Uncle 
 Oscar und his vife, und Ludwig Beer- 
 haben und his vife und Gust Schmalz 
 and myself, yet. 
 
 Ludwig is a charter member of der 
 Leedle Brothers of der Boost, und he 
 can laugh louder und mean it ven he 
 loses two dollars den any man I efer 
 met 
 
 But Ludwig's wife is der corre- 
 sponding secretary in der Woman's 
 Annex to der Companions of der Cold 
 Feets. 
 
 She runs your Uncle Oscar a close 
 second for getting frappe in der ped- 
 als. 
 
 Efery time Ludwig's vife is sepa- 
 rated from fifty cents someding in her 
 mind seems to gif avay mit a crash. 
 
 Ludwig's vife luffs money so much 
 Sdot efery time she bets a blue chip she 
 shuts her eyes und pretends it vas only 
 a vite vun. 
 
 Any time you see a silver dollar mit 
 all der tail-fedders pulled ouid of der 
 eagle you can bet dot bird vunce be- 
 longed to Ludwig's vife under der part- 
 ing vas a bitter vun. 
 
 96
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Veil, anyvay, Looey, I opened der 
 fairst chack-pot last Monday efening 
 und eferybody dropped ouid eggscept 
 Ludwig's vife und your mother. 
 
 You know, Looey, I like your moth- 
 er. She is der only vife I efer hat und 
 der only vun I efer vish to haf, und so 
 I say it from my heart dot she plays 
 poker like a Velch rabbit, vich is mit- 
 ouid form und full of dark surprises. 
 
 From der financial point of view, 
 Looey, your mother is der best fellow 
 dot efer drew cards, but mit regards 
 to der technicalities of der game she 
 is vot der ancient Greeks vould call a 
 Patricia Bolivar. 
 
 Veil, anyvay, Looey, to make a long 
 story lose its cunning, your mother 
 vaved a fond farevell after losing four 
 dollars, vich vas all in der family any- 
 vay, but Ludwig's vife bit her lips und 
 trailed along until she hat sent sefen of 
 Ludwig's goot dollars to der Bad 
 Lands, den she called me. 
 
 Ven I laid down four typewriters she 
 called me again, but I vould hate to tell 
 you how und vich. 
 
 Nefer before, Looey, in der history 
 of der game dit vun voman get so mad 
 
 97
 
 DINKEUSPIEU'S LETTERS TO LOOEV 
 
 in so many different places at der same 
 time. 
 
 You see, Looey, she hat four deuces 
 all der time und after der fairst bet 
 she began to buy a new dress. After 
 der second bet she hat selectioned der 
 trimmings. After der third bet she 
 changed der material und took some- 
 ding more eggspensive. After der 
 fourth bet she decided to pick ouid a 
 imported dressmaker on Fifth Afenue 
 und after der fifth bet she felt vealthy 
 enough to go dare in a cab. 
 
 Pretty soon came der awful avaken- 
 ing und she hat to put dot dress back 
 in der store. 
 
 I doan'd dink Ludwig's vife vill efer 
 quite recofer from der shock. She vill 
 be a saddened voman all her life unless 
 a rich relative dies somevare und leaves 
 her sefen dollars. 
 
 Und to make matters more like a 
 life insurance inwestigation abouid ten 
 minutes later Gust Schmalz stung your 
 Uncle Oscar for five dollars and sev- 
 enty-five cents, vich caused your Uncle 
 to haf an internal fit vich nearly became 
 epidimic all ofer his system. 
 
 Und dus it happened, Looey, dot dese 
 two members in good standing in der 
 
 98
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ancient order of der Companions of der 
 Cold Feets hat to sit dare all der efe- 
 ning und play dem close trying to get 
 dare money back, vich dey dittent. 
 
 Der mills of der gods grind slow, 
 Looey, but vunce in a vile dey grind 
 ouid someding vorth vile. 
 
 Play poker, if you must, Looey, but 
 alvays keep your rubbers on. 
 
 Dis goes fer der neck as veil as der 
 feet. 
 
 I see it in your letter vare you met 
 up mit dot young fellow Chilvio 
 Heine, und played pinochle mit him 
 alretty. 
 
 Chilvio's pinochle game is vot is 
 called a coaxer, because der more you 
 play mit him der more you lose, und 
 der more you lose der more you feel 
 like trying to vin back vot you lost py 
 losing more den you could vin if you 
 vun ven you lost instead of losing so 
 often dot ven you vin sometimes it is 
 so seldom dot you feel like you haf lost 
 alvays. 
 
 Ven a man learns der game of 
 pinochle so veil dot he can meld eighty 
 Kings mit der right hand, forty Chacks 
 mit der left hand, keep der score mit 
 his left foot und vissle "Don't Be Vot 
 
 99
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 You Ain't" mit his teet', all at vunce, 
 den I say, Bevare! 
 
 Such is der pinochleness of der chent 
 you played mit, Looey. 
 
 It ain't because you lost der eight 
 dollars, Looey, because mit anybody 
 dot plays mit Chilvio dot vas a fore- 
 gone confusion. 
 
 But it is because you belief yourself 
 to be a fairst-class pinochle player, 
 Looey, ven in realities your mind vas 
 nuddings but a cold storage place to 
 keep der frivolities of dis vorld. 
 
 To be a goot pinochle player, Looey, 
 you must haf a mind like a sponge. 
 
 Your memory, Looey, must be like 
 a porus plaster vich absorbs figures, 
 und your heart must be mitouid mercy 
 and full of bitterness, like a gateman 
 on der Scrubvay. 
 
 In der days of my yout, Looey, I vas 
 connected mit der reputation of being 
 a good pinochleist, but in dese days 
 der march of progress und britch-vist 
 has oystersized such a common game 
 as pinochle. 
 
 It used to be in der old days, Looey, 
 dot I vould valk down of an efening to 
 der leedle saloon on der corner und sit 
 
 at der leedle round table mit my part- 
 100
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ner und for hours ve vould shuffle der 
 greasy cards und keep der score on a 
 slate mit vite chalk, vile all around us 
 vould float der perfume from der pipe 
 und der sawdust on der floor, und der 
 only vord dare spoken vas der whis- 
 pered vord, "Prosit!" 
 
 In dose days, Looey, cards vas a 
 recreation for der men. 
 
 In dese days, Looey, cards is a occu- 
 pation for der vimmen. 
 
 In der old days, Looey, to pull ouid 
 a pack of cards in der sacred presinks 
 of der home circle und play for stakes 
 higher den sulphur matches or a horn 
 button vould mean dot der Deifel vould 
 be tapping at der vindow pane next 
 minute, und all concerned vould be 
 candidates for a choice location in der 
 bottomless pit. 
 
 But in dese days, Looey, no home is 
 complete mitouid a britch-vist factory 
 in der parlor, mit printed I. O. U.'s on 
 der mantelpiece und a list of preferred 
 creditors resting on der self-made 
 moosic on top of der pianola. 
 
 Der sacred presinks of der home cir- 
 cle ain't up to date dese days, Looey, 
 unless Mama und der free daughters 
 
 entertain at britch vunce a veek und set 
 101
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Papa back abouid $62, not inclusioning 
 der refreshments. 
 
 Vunce it vas in der olt days, Looey, 
 dot Mama vould entertain vunce a veek 
 und der vimmens vould all sit in der 
 parlor und svap gossip vile dey sewed 
 undershirts und nighties und pajimmies 
 und udder unforseen garments for der 
 heathen in der Feechee Islands. 
 
 But to-day, Looey, ven Mama sounds 
 der boogie call all her vimmen friends 
 rush in der drawing-room mit a check 
 book in vun hand, a britch score card 
 in der udder und a vild desire in deir 
 hearts to vin from each udder der price 
 of a trip to Europe. 
 
 I doan'd know vich is der best way 
 to entertain, Looey, but I dink der new 
 vay puts a lot of money in circulation 
 ven Papa ain't looking. 
 
 In der meantime, Looey, if you vish 
 to learn der game of pinochle you 
 should teach your brain to become 
 more und more like a sponge. 
 
 Ven you can remember vot cards vas 
 played ten minutes ago und vot cards 
 vill likely be played a half hour from 
 now, den you can tackle Chilvio again, 
 and mebbe you vill vin more den you 
 
 lose py not losing someding vich you 1 
 102
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 could haf vun py playing so as not to 
 lose it. 
 
 Ve notice vot you say in your letter 
 abouid der many different kinds of 
 street cars vich you meet up mit in your 
 trafels, but I dink ve haf here in New 
 York a bunch of street cars vich for 
 uncomfortableness can gif any ouidsid- 
 ers cards und spades und den beat dem 
 ouid by a four-flush. 
 
 I reference to dose street cars, 
 Looey, vich vas called "Sqveezers." 
 
 Our "Sqveezer" cars consist of nine- 
 ty people trying to push demselfs into 
 a space already occupied by eighty-sigs 
 peoples vich haf paid deir fare und 
 sefen children vich vas under age vile 
 der conductor is present. 
 
 Der seats in der "Sqveezers" run 
 sidevays ; der passengers run edgevays, 
 und der life insurance agents run any 
 old vay ven dey see dese cars coming. 
 
 Der "Sqveezer" is der best chenteel 
 imitation of a rough-house dot you efer 
 vitnessed, Looey. 
 
 Ven you get ouid you cannot get in, 
 und ven you get in you cannot get ouid, 
 because you hate to disturb der strange 
 chentleman dot is using your knee to 
 lean ofer. 
 
 103
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Between der seats dare is a space of 
 two feets, but in dot space you vill al- 
 vays find four feets und deir owners, 
 unless vun of dem happens to haf a 
 vooden leg. 
 
 Unter ortinary circumstances four 
 into two doan'd go, but ded "Sqveezer" 
 cars defy der laws of gravitation. 
 
 A "Sqveezer" car conductor can put 
 twenty-sigs into nine unt still haf four 
 to carry. 
 
 You know, Looey, ve vas a very nerf- 
 ous und careless peoples here in dis 
 city. To proof how careless ve vas I 
 vill relate der instance dot Manhattan 
 Island is called after a cocktail. 
 
 Dis nerfousness vas our undidding 
 because ve vas alvays in such a hurry 
 to get somevare dot ve vould rather 
 took der fairst car und get sqveezed 
 into flatness den vait for der next vich 
 vould likely sqveeze us into insensible- 
 ness. 
 
 Flatness can be cured, but insensible- 
 ness vas dangerous mitouid an alarm 
 clock. 
 
 For a man mit a small dining-room 
 der "Sqveezer" car has its advantages, 
 but ven a stouid man rides in dem he 
 
 104
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 finds himself supporting a lot of 
 strangers he nefer met before. 
 
 Vun morning I chumped on vun of 
 dose "Sqveezers," feeling yust like a 
 zwei-year-olt, full of healt' und der 
 choy of lifing. 
 
 During der fairst sefen blocks t'ree 
 men fresh from a distillery grew up in 
 front of me und removed der scenery. 
 
 Vun of dem hat to get ouid in a hur- 
 ry, so he kicked me on der shins to 
 show how sorry he vas to leaf me. 
 
 Vun of der udder two must haf been 
 in der distillery a long time, because 
 pretty soon he neglected to use his 
 memory und sat down in my lap. 
 
 Ven I remonsterated mit him he re- 
 sponsed dot dis is a free country, und 
 if he vished to sit down I hat no pitz- 
 ness to stop him. 
 
 Den his friend pulled us apart und I 
 resumed der use of my lap. 
 
 During der next tventy blocks I hat 
 vun of der vorst daylight nightmares I 
 efer rode behind. 
 
 Der party vich hat been studying der 
 eggshibits in der distillery took der idea 
 in his head dot my foot vas der loud 
 pedal on a piano und he started to play 
 
 105
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Die Gotterdammerung" from Wag- 
 ner. 
 
 Dot man vas such a hard drinker dot 
 he gafe me der gout yust from stooding 
 on my feets. 
 
 Den I chumped off, und svore off, 
 tmd svore at, und valked home. 
 
 If der man vot inwentioned der idea 
 of stooding up between der seats in a 
 "Sqveezer" car is alive he should haf 
 a medal. 
 
 I vould villingly wolunteer to be der 
 meddler und hand him vun. 
 
 You wrote me vunce before, Looey, 
 abouid vot a nice idea it is to step in a 
 clean street car und find enough room 
 to sit down midouid getting der glance 
 of scorn from eighteen strap-hangers 
 und a fat conductor. 
 
 Such is an idea vich ve seldom see 
 in New York, Looey, because ve vas a 
 busy peoples here und ve believe dot a 
 strap in der hand is vorth two on der 
 curbstone. 
 
 It ain'd often dot I drop into a poet- 
 ical, Looey, but after I chumped off 
 vun of dem crowded cars der udder 
 night I felt dot I must get some re- 
 wenge for der vay I vas obliterationed. 
 
 Read dese werses ofer to yourself, 
 
 106
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Looey, some day ven you vas smoothly 
 street-earring in vun of dem Vestern 
 cities. 
 
 Here is dem: 
 
 I. 
 
 Der sha,des of night vare falling fast 
 As up der city's street dare passed 
 A car vich bore dis strange dewice 
 "Der puplic it doan'd cut no ice! 
 Moof up in front!" 
 
 II. 
 
 Nine fousand souls mitin it rode; 
 Annuder t'ousand chained der load; 
 Den mit' ten t'ousand souls on board 
 Der vide conductor vildly roared: 
 "Moof up in front!" 
 
 III. 
 
 "Try not to pass!" an olt man cried; 
 "Get off my feets!" annuder sighed; 
 "Who has remoofed my breathe from 
 
 me?" 
 
 A lady asked, inkviringly. 
 Moof up in front! 
 
 IV. 
 
 "Conductor!" set a lady sveet, 
 "Vy do you stop at efery street?" 
 "Ve always stop ven ve was full!" 
 He set, und gafe der bell a pull: 
 Moof up in front! 
 
 107
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 V. 
 
 "Vy is it dot an empty car 
 Goes much und many miles py far 
 Before it stops?" der lady cried; 
 Der fat conductor yust replied: 
 "Moof up in front!" 
 
 VI. 
 
 "My healf, my vealt' ', my appetite 
 Haf gone!" a man set mit a fright. 
 Der fat conductor frowned a frown; 
 "You go avay back und sit down! 
 Moof up in front!" 
 
 VII. 
 
 "Oh! pass me, please, a solid strap; 
 "Dis vun is loose!" observed a chap. 
 Der fat conductor, yust for fun, 
 Up mit his fist und passed him vun 
 Moof up in front! 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Und still dey came py t'ousands till 
 Dey stood up on der vindoiv sill 
 Der fat conductor smiled mit glee; 
 "Dare's money here to-night for me 
 Moof up in front!" 
 
 IX. 
 
 *Dey skveezed up tight, dey skveezed up 
 
 Hat 
 
 Till no vun knew vare he vas at; 
 As milk condensed dey stood, each man, 
 Like herrings in a sardine can 
 Moof up in front! 
 
 108
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 X. 
 
 Den ven der rain got vet und poured 
 Der fat conductor sveetly roared: 
 "Dis goes no furder up!" he said, 
 "Get ouid und took der car ahead 
 Moof up in front!" 
 
 You speak it also in der letter, 
 Looey, dot your firm vill spend next 
 year someding like fife hunnert t'ou- 
 sand dollars in atwertising. 
 
 Atwertising is der incubator vich 
 hatches der golden egg, Looey, but at 
 der same time I hate to see it stuck, 
 like a lot of second-hand court plaster, 
 all ofer der face of Nature. 
 
 I luff to read der atwertisements in 
 der newspapers und der magazines, but 
 I also luff to be able to stop reading 
 dem ven der supper bell rings, vich is 
 not der case dese days if you vas trav- 
 elling on der railroads. 
 
 Nowadays it is, Looey, dot someding 
 vich vunce vas a beautiful landscape 
 has been eggschanged for a board 
 fence vare it says : "Eat Eatem's Eata- 
 bility Der Most Eatable Eating Efer 
 Eated." 
 
 I dink der idea of changing a green 
 hillside into a lecture on indichestion, 
 und making all der pretty trees along 
 
 109
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 der roadside point deir branches in der 
 direction of a drug store, vas wrong, 
 but mebbe I haf too much poeticness in 
 my weins und not enough pitzness. 
 
 I took a leedle trip to Phillymadel- 
 phia on der cars last veek und it vas 
 den dot dis idea struck me mit such 
 a forcibleness dot I hat to pull down 
 der blind. 
 
 I began to look ouid der vindow to 
 admire all der geography vich vas rush- 
 ing py und before I could see two 
 spruce trees und abouid eighteen blades 
 of grass a large sign chumped before 
 my eyes und set : "Sawdust Fritters 
 Der New Breakfast Food Vunce 
 Svallowed, Nefer Forgotten." 
 
 I vinked my eyes a cubble of times 
 und took annuder look, und dare, 
 spread carelessly ofer der map, vas a 
 sign vich set : "Blonde Pills For Brainy 
 Peoples Try Vun Box Und You Vill 
 Nefer Try Annuder." 
 
 I dodged my eyes back into der car 
 und glanced dem cautiously ouid der 
 vindow on der under side of der car, 
 und dare I saw it, "Drink Binglebauer's 
 Viskey All Judges Say It Makes 
 Trade Lively Eggspecially Der Po- 
 lice Judges." 
 
 110
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 For ten minutes I sat dare mit my 
 eyes close-fitted, und den I took a lee- 
 die peep ouid der vindow, vich resulted 
 in a sign vich set: "Smoke Yellow- 
 finger's Cigaroots Und Die Lingering 
 But Dopey." 
 
 Den I began to argue der matter mit 
 myself, und I came to der conclusion- 
 ing dot der train vas still in der heart 
 of cifilization, und ven ve reached der 
 real country der landscape vould assert 
 its rights und begin to happen. 
 
 Den I counted 350 mit my eyes 
 closed, und den, remoofing my fingers 
 slowly, slowly, slowly, I took a sly 
 glance oferboard. 
 
 Vot I saw vas a big sign saying dese 
 solemn vords : "Be A Good Chooser 
 Und Chew Chawington's Choo-Choo 
 Der Gum Dot Doan'd Come Off." 
 
 "Surely," I vispered to myself, mit 
 my back to der vindow, "surely dare 
 vas a wisitation of Nature here at vun 
 time vich must haf left some landscape 
 behind it, but vare is it now?" 
 
 Dus in deep t'ought, mit both hands 
 pressed hard ofer my eyes, I sat dare 
 for abouid half an hour, und den mit 
 der swiftness of der turtle dove I threw 
 both glances ouid of der vindow. 
 111
 
 DINKEUSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Vas it landscape pure and simple vich 
 met dose glances? 
 Nein. 
 
 Children, dear, in any case 
 Doan'd drive nails in mother's facet 
 If you do und she should scream, 
 Try Mike Schmidt's Complexion 
 Cream! 
 
 It vas a sign vich set dese few but 
 bitter vords. 
 
 Now, I ask you, Looey, is it possible 
 for a olt-fashioned man to lead a re-? 
 fined life in such a atmosphere as dese? 
 
 I ask you, Looey. 
 
 112
 
 VII. 
 THE SAENGERFEST PARTY. 
 
 Home. Lately. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER SON, LOOEY 
 I haf receifed your letter 
 from Kansas City und I vas 
 glad to hear dot you vas enchoying goot 
 healt', und dot you vas making a suc- 
 cess of your chob as a drummer in der 
 commercial traveller pitzness. 
 
 Go after dem, my son, und alvays 
 speak veil of yourself, because you 
 know in dis vorld, Looey, nuddings 
 succeeds like our own success. 
 
 Ve vas all veil at home mit der eggs- 
 ception dot last T'ursday night your 
 mudder gafe an onion saengerfest 
 party. 
 
 You know vot is it? 
 
 An onion saengerfest party is vare a 
 bunch of peoples get togedder in der 
 efening und spill a lot of cheap songs 
 ofer der parlor until dey vork up a 
 appetite for eferyding eatable in der 
 wicinity. 
 
 113
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 I doan'd know vare der onion comes 
 in, Looey, but I dink dot vas meant as 
 a term of reproach. 
 
 Dare vas present your mudder und 
 your married sister, Elsie, und her hus- 
 band, Fred Hauptgarten, vich vas here 
 mit us on a wisit from Milvaukee ; und 
 your Uncle Oscar Schmittberger und 
 his second vife ; und Ludvig Beerhaben 
 und his stationary vife; und Gust 
 Schmalz, und Lena Bauer und her 
 fader by her fairst marriage, und Mr. 
 und Mrs. Goofberger, of Staten Island, 
 yet. 
 
 Eferyding started off all right mit 
 der eggsception of your Uncle Oscar, 
 vich insisted upon singing der svan 
 song from Lohengrin, but his idea of 
 a svan vas so much like a turkey gob- 
 bler dot much misery loved our com- 
 pany. 
 
 I hat to use up two cold bottles of 
 Ruinart on your Uncle Oscar before ve 
 could coax him avay from der piano, 
 und den he vent ouid in der dining- 
 room und began to recite der hardest 
 day's vork Goethe efer put in at der 
 poetry pitzness, mit der result dot he 
 vas overheard by our Irish cook in der 
 kitchen vich hat been so kind as to per- 
 
 114
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 mit herself to lif mit us for nearly vun 
 consecutif mont', vareupon she became 
 emotionally insulted und after scatter- 
 ing a new chicken salad all ofer der 
 butler's pantry as a keepsake to her 
 memory, she grabbed her satchel und 
 rushed ouid of our lives forefer. Four 
 dollars vich your mother hat paid her 
 in advance also rushed ouid of our 
 lives, too. 
 
 After all der eggscitement vas ofer 
 und your Uncle Oscar vas sleeping mit 
 magnificent noises on der dining-room 
 sofa, your sister, Elsie, vas coaxed to 
 sing Frosty's "Goot Pye." 
 
 You know, I luff your sister because 
 she vas alvays a goot daughter to me, 
 but I vas afraid dot if Mr. Frosty efer 
 heard her sing his "Goot Pye" he would 
 say "der same to you, und here's your 
 hat." 
 
 Before Elsie vas married she owned 
 in her possession a very sveet mezzo- 
 concertina woice, but she has been so 
 long avay helping Fred Hauptgarten to 
 make Milvaukee famous dot now her 
 top notes sound someding like a cuckoo 
 clock after it has been up all night. 
 
 Mebbe, Looey, it vas wrong for me 
 to speak dus abouid my own flesh und 
 
 115
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 blood, but ven a married voman mit 
 sigs fine children, vun of dem at Yale 
 College, geets up in front of der piano 
 und begins to say "Goot pye, summer ! 
 goot pye, summer!" yust like she vas 
 calling der dachshund in to dinner, I 
 dink it vas time dot she declined der 
 nomination. 
 
 I say dis, Looey, not because I luff 
 moosic less but because I luff Elsie 
 more. 
 
 Den Ludvig Beerhaben, after figur- 
 ing it all ouid dot dare vas no chance 
 of his getting arrested, valked up to der 
 piano und made a few statements vich 
 in deir orichinal form vas a Scotch 
 ballad py der name of "Loch Loh- 
 mond." 
 
 You know, Looey, Ludvig's idea of 
 speaking der English language is to 
 say as much of a vord as he can re- 
 member mit his woice und der rest of it 
 mit his hands, so you can imagination 
 vot he dit to a song vich has an oat- 
 meal foundation such as "Loch Loh- 
 mond." 
 
 Ven Ludvig barked ouid der fairst 
 sentence vich says: "Py yon bonnie 
 bank und py yon bonnie brae," you can 
 belief me, Looey, eferybody in der room 
 
 116
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 began to dink abouid der eruption of 
 Mount Vesuvius und vished dey vas 
 vare der suffering vas more videspread 
 und not so personal. 
 
 Und ven Ludvig reached der dark 
 meat in der song vare it says, "You 
 take der high road und I'll take der low 
 road," your mudder took a drink, Gust 
 Schmalz took an oath und I took a 
 valk. 
 
 Nefer in my life, Looey, haf I heard 
 a song so roughly handled, und all der 
 vile Ludvig's vife sat dare, mit der glad 
 und vinning smile of a catfish on her 
 face, listening mit a heart full of pride 
 vile Ludvig chased dot helpless song 
 all ofer der parlor und finally left it 
 unconscious unter der sofa. 
 
 Much more happened at der onion 
 saengerfest, Looey, inclusioning your 
 Uncle Oscar vich fell off der sofa ven 
 lunch vas announced, but vy incrimi- 
 nate? 
 
 Ve hat raw roast beef samviches mit 
 a fringe of sliced onions for lunch, so 
 all is svell dot ends svell. 
 
 Ve notice vot you say it in your 
 letter, Looey, about der eggspensive- 
 ness of der hotels on der road, und ve 
 qvite make an agreement mit you 
 
 117
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 eggspensiveness is der keynote vich 
 forms der basis of der idle rich. 
 
 Last Sunday your mother read it in 
 der newspapers abouid der ettyket vich 
 alvays goes mit der proper vay to dine 
 yourself at a fashionable hotel, so she 
 set py me : "Dinky, I haf learned der 
 ettyket of der bongtong, und to proof 
 it I vish you vould took me in to New 
 York und let us dine ourselfs at dinner 
 in der eggsclusive Saint Reachus Hotel, 
 vot?" 
 
 Vot is impossible is useless, so vy 
 should a man argument mit his vife ? 
 
 Ve vent to der Saint Reachus. 
 
 It vas surely a svell choint, Looey, 
 und der faces of der clerks und der 
 clocks show dot much money changed 
 pocketbooks vile der place vas build- 
 ing. 
 
 In der lobby der furniture vas cov- 
 ered mit men abouid town, vich sat 
 around mit a check-book in each hand 
 und made google-goggle eyes at der 
 vimmens. 
 
 Bell-boys mit gold-plated card trays 
 rushed hidder und tidder, und der 
 shrieks of der eggshausted cash regis- 
 ters vas pitiful. 
 
 It vas der fairst time your mother 
 
 118
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 und I hat efer been in such an eggspen- 
 sive atmosphere und ve breathed mit 
 caution. 
 
 I took a peep at der diamond-backed 
 dining-room, und ven I saw der vaiters 
 refusing eferyding but certified checks 
 in der vay of a tip I set py your moth- 
 er : "Darling, dis is no place for us !" 
 
 But ven a voman vunce makes up 
 her mind dare vas no man living dot 
 can untie it. 
 
 So ve vent in der dining-room of der 
 Saint Reachus. 
 
 A very polite lefftenant vaiter, mit a 
 sergeant vaiter und two corporal vait- 
 ers, greeted us, und ve gafe der coun- 
 tersign "Abandon vealth, all ye dot 
 entrance here!" 
 
 Den der lefftenant vaiter und his 
 army corps deployed in columns of four 
 und escorted us to der most eggspen- 
 sive-looking trough I efer saw in a di- 
 ning-room. 
 
 "In my heart I feel it dot ve vill haf 
 to file a petition in bankruptcy ven ve 
 leave dis place," I vispered to your 
 mother as ve sat down in der onyx 
 chairs und picked up our point lace 
 napkins. 
 
 119
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Que souhaitez-vous?" set der vaiter, 
 bowing so low dot I could feel a cold 
 chill running through my leedle bank 
 account. 
 
 "Ach, Himmel ! sure I feel veil, und 
 dis is a friend of mine," I responsed, 
 pointing der fork set mit amethysts at 
 your mother. 
 
 Der vaiter bowed vunce more until I 
 could hear der muscles in his shoulder- 
 blades cracking like a vip. 
 
 Den ven he arose himself he set: 
 "Je suis tout a votre service!" 
 
 "Does he mean it is someding wrong 
 mit my pompadour?" vispered your 
 mother. 
 
 "Nein," I set, smiling politefully, "he 
 vas yust asking if der family vas all 
 veil at home." 
 
 Vunce more der vaiter chackknifed 
 himself. 
 
 "Vot is a good idea to order for a 
 cubble of appetites dot vas yust ouid 
 seeing der sights ?" I inkvired. "Could 
 you please suchchest someding dot eats 
 veil, but is not too eggspensive to keep 
 down?" 
 
 "Out, oui!" set der vaiter. "Une 
 diner comfortable doit se composer de 
 
 potage, de volatile boutilie ou rotie, 
 120
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 chaude ou froide, de gibier, de plats 
 rares et distingues, de poissons, de 
 sucries, de patisseries et de fruits!" 
 
 I looked at your mother, she looked 
 at me, den ve both looked ouid der 
 vindow, und vished ve hat nefer been 
 born. 
 
 "I belief you mit all my soul," I re- 
 sponsed, after a vile, "but unless you 
 talk Cherman my vife prefers to eat 
 in English. Haf you such a ding in der 
 pantry as some beefsteak choked mit 
 onions ?" 
 
 "Oui, oui," eggsclaimed der vaiter. 
 
 "How much vould it be der price for 
 enough beefsteak choked mit onions to 
 cover two very polite appetites ?" I ink- 
 vired. 
 
 "Nine 'dollars und tventy-sefen 
 cents," responsed der vaiter. "Der 
 tventy-sefen cents is vot der beef und 
 onions costs, und der nine dollars vill 
 help to pay for der Looey der Fifteenth 
 furniture in der bridal chamber." 
 
 "Nefer mind," set your mother; 
 "onions alvays rush to my woice, und 
 if I eat dem my gonversationing vill 
 be too loud for dis society atmosphere. 
 Make annuder guess, Fodder!" 
 
 "How vould a sliver of roast beef 
 121
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 und some beaten potatoes do?" I such- 
 chested to der vaiter. "Vot vould be 
 der price on such, please?" 
 
 "Three dollars und forty-two cents," 
 responsed der vaiter. "Forty-two cents 
 for der order und der three dollars to 
 help some mit der French velvet cur- 
 tains in der style of Looey der Fif- 
 teenth in der golden suite on der second 
 floor." 
 
 "Maybe a little sissage mit potato 
 salad is less notorious," vispered your 
 mother. 
 
 "You vas right, my darling," I re- 
 sponsed. "Der trail of der millionaire 
 can nefer be across der face of anyding 
 so cheap as sissage. Vot, vaiter, vot is 
 der net price of a pair of sissages, mit 
 a slight effect of potato salad on der 
 side, please?" 
 
 "Four dollars und eight cents," set 
 der vaiter. "Eight cents for der sis- 
 sage und der four dollars for der Looey 
 der Fifteenth draperies in der drawing- 
 room." 
 
 "Perhaps you haf a bargain counter 
 somevare in der beanery?" vispered 
 your mother to der vaiter, but der 
 vaiter only bowed und sighed und 
 
 looked at his gold vatch. 
 122
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "My dear," I set to your mother, 
 "ve haf already displaced about sigsty 
 dollars' vorth of space in dis hunger 
 factory, und dare fore ve must behave 
 like chentlemen und . *der someding, 
 no matter vot is der cost. Vot is der 
 savings of a lifetime comparisoned mit 
 our honor?" 
 
 Der vaiter unhooked annuder deep 
 bow. 
 
 "Bring us," I set, "bring us an oat- 
 meal omelette und vun dish of prunes." 
 
 I vaited till he translationed dis into 
 French, und den I set: "Und on der 
 side, please, two glasses of vater und 
 a cubble of teethpicks. Haf der prunes 
 fricasseed, please; vash der vater on 
 both sides, und bring der teethpicks 
 rare." 
 
 Der vaiter bowed again und rushed 
 avay. All around us ve could hear 
 money talking to itself. Bankers und 
 brokers ran all around der place, hand- 
 ing ofer deir day's vages to der cash- 
 iers. 
 
 Fair vimmen sat at der tables, pick- 
 ing dishes ouid of der bill of fare vich 
 brought der blush of sorrow to der 
 faces of deir escorts. It vas a vonder- 
 ful sight, eggspecially for dose dot haf 
 
 123
 
 DINKELSPIEL'8 LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 a nerfous chill efery time der gas bill 
 comes in. 
 
 Ven ve ate our modest leedle dinner 
 der vaiter gafe me a ticket vich invited 
 me to pay him two dollars und t'irty- 
 t'ree cents. 
 
 "Der t'irty-t'ree cents is for vot you 
 ordered, und der two dollars is for der 
 French hangings in der style of Looey 
 der Fifteenth in der parlor," he vis- 
 pered. 
 
 "Chee viz!" I eggsclaimed, "dot fel- 
 low Looey der Fifteenth has been do- 
 ing a lot of vork around here, ain't 
 he?" 
 
 Der vaiter bowed und kept his eye 
 on my money, vich made me so reck- 
 less dot I gafe him a tip consisting of 
 fifteen cents. 
 
 Der vaiter looked at der fifteen cents 
 und turned pale. Den he looked at me 
 und turned paler. Den he tried to thank 
 me, but it choked him. Den he took an- 
 nuder look at der fifteen cents und 
 fainted dead avay. 
 
 In der eggscitement I took your 
 mother und eggscaped. 
 
 Der only time ve vill efer go in der 
 Saint Reachus again vill be yust after 
 ve haf eaten a hearty dinner. 
 
 124
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 You ask me in your letter, Looey, to 
 tell you vunce more abouid der night 
 I took a trip in der Pullman cars urid 
 drew an upper berth so you can repeat 
 it to a friend of yours for laughing pur- 
 poses. 
 
 Your father has nefer refused you 
 anyding, Looey, so vy should I hold 
 back der laugh vich is on me? 
 
 From my eggsperience dot night I 
 am chased to der conclusion dot der 
 upper berth in a Pullman car is der 
 same relation to comfort as a carpet 
 tack is to a bare foots. 
 
 Der night I took dot memomorial 
 trip to Pittsburg der sleeping car vas 
 crowded from der cellar to der attic 
 und dare vas much internal svearing 
 among dose present. 
 
 Vile der porter vas cooking up my 
 attack of insomnia I vent ouid in der 
 smoking-room to drown my sorrow, 
 but I found so many udder drowners 
 dare ahead of me dot I hat to hold der 
 comb und brush in my lap und sit up on 
 der towel rack vile I took a leedle 
 smoke. 
 
 Dit you efer notice in your trafels, 
 Looey, der peculiar hog on der trains 
 dot pays two dollars for a berth und 
 
 125
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 alvays displaces eight dollars' vorth of 
 space in der smoking car ? He smokes 
 not, needer does he move, but dare he 
 sits, eternal as der Spinx. 
 
 If efer dare is a statute needed of der 
 patriot Buttinski, I vould suchchest der 
 smokeless smoker dot trafels on der 
 smoke ful smoker cars. 
 
 Sefen chents vas discussioning life 
 insurance ven I squeezed into der 
 smoker, und I chudged dot dey all hat 
 lower berths, uddervise deir minds 
 vould not be busy mit dark und per- 
 sonal fears of der future. 
 
 I listened to dem for abouid ten min- 
 utes, but yoost den der towel rack fell 
 mit a crash, und after I picked up der 
 comb und brush und der soap und my- 
 self I decisioned I vould retire to my 
 bracket on der vail und try to sleep. 
 
 Ven I left der smoker der smokeless 
 hog vas occupying two und a half seats 
 und vas now busy breathing in some 
 second-hand cigaroot smoke vich no- 
 body else seemed to care for. 
 
 "How do I reach my Alpine bunga- 
 low ?" I set to der colored porter, vare- 
 upon he laughed- teethfully und hit me 
 on der shins mit a stepladder. 
 
 Der chent in der lower berth under- 
 
 129
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 neath me vas sleeping as loud as possi- 
 ble, und ven I started up der steplad- 
 der he began to render Mendelssohn's 
 obligate for der trombone in der key 
 of Chee. 
 
 Above der roar of der train avay off 
 from lower No. 2 I could hear an an- 
 swering bugle call. 
 
 I climbed up prepared for der vorst, 
 und in der tvinkling of a eyewinker der 
 porter removed der stepladder und 
 dare I vas, sitting on der per'lous edge 
 of my pantry shelf mit nuddings to 
 comfort me but der eggshaust of a pro- 
 fessional snorer. 
 
 After abouid fife minutes devotioned 
 to a parade of all my sins I began to 
 try to eggstract my personality from 
 my coat, but ven I pushed my arm up 
 in der air to get der sleeve loose my 
 kennuckles struck der hardwood finish, 
 und I fell backwards on der cast-iron 
 pillow, breathing horsefully like a busy 
 Chack-rabbit. 
 
 I vaited abouid ten minutes vile my 
 brain vas bobbing back und forth mit 
 der eggscitement of running 50 miles 
 an hour ofer a careless part of der 
 country, und den I cautiously tried to 
 approach my shoe laces. 
 
 127
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 If, Looey, if you vas a stout und 
 avoirdupoisy man, veighing 256 
 pounds, mostly all of vich is in der 
 equator, you vould appreciate vot it 
 means to lie on your back in an upper 
 berth und try to get your shoes off. 
 
 Efery time I reached for my feets 
 to get my shoes off I bumped my head 
 off, und der more I bumped my head 
 off der less I got my shoes off, so I de- 
 cisioned dot in order to keep my head 
 on I better keep my shoes on also. 
 
 Den I tried to divorce my suspenders 
 from my shoulders, but yust as I got 
 der suspender haf way ofer my head 
 I struck der crazy bone of my elbow on 
 der rafters und dare I vas, suspendered 
 between heafen and earth und praying 
 mit all my heart for a bottle of arnica. 
 
 Den I decisioned to sleep as nature 
 made me, mit all my clothes on, inclu- 
 ding my rubbers. So I stretched ouid, 
 but yust den der train struck a curve, 
 und I vent up in der air till der ceiling 
 hit me, und den I bounced ofer to der 
 edge of der precipice und hung dare, 
 trembling on der werge. 
 
 Below me all was dark und gloomy, 
 und only py der hoarse groans of der 
 
 128
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 snorers could I tell dot der Pullman 
 Company vas still making money. 
 
 But luck vas mit me, for yust den 
 der train struck an inshoot curve vich 
 pushed me to der vail und I bumped 
 my head so completely dot I fell asleep. 
 
 Ven I voke up it vas daylighting, so 
 I decisioned to descend from my cup- 
 board shelf at vunce. I peeped ouid 
 through der alumillum curtains, but 
 dare vas no sign of der colored porter 
 und der stepladder vas unvisable to der 
 naked eye. 
 
 Der car was peaceful now mit der 
 eggsception of a chent in lower 4 dot 
 hat a strangle hold on vun of Beet- 
 hoven's sonatas und vas beating der 
 cadenza ouid of it. 
 
 I made a short prayer und conclu- 
 sioned to fall ouid, but yust den von of 
 my feets rested on something solid, so I 
 put both feets on it und began to step 
 down. 
 
 But der moment I put my weight on 
 it my stepping stone gave vay und I fell 
 oferboard mit a splash. 
 
 "How dare you put your feets on my 
 head?" yelled der man on der ground 
 floor of my bedroom. 
 
 129
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Oxcoose me, it felt like someding 
 vooden," I vispered, vile I dashed mad- 
 ly for der smoker. 
 
 From dot day to dis, Looey, I half 
 nefer been able to look a Pullman car 
 in der face, und ven anybody mentions 
 an upper berth to me I lose enough ap- 
 petite to keep me in hunger for a veek. 
 
 130
 
 VIII. 
 THE KEROSENE WAGON. 
 
 Home. Now. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER LOOEY Ve 
 haf receife'd your letter from 
 Qefeland, und ve vas glat to 
 hear it dot your healt' is enchoying it- 
 self. 
 
 Ve vas all veil at home mit der eggs- 
 ception dot your mother is still learning 
 to play britch vist, only not so eggspen- 
 sively as ven I last wrote you. 
 
 She is now able to make it a no- 
 trumper mitouid screaming for her 
 pocketbook five minutes later. 
 
 I notice vot you set in der letter 
 abouid nearly getting runned ofer py a 
 automobubble in Main Street in Eau 
 Claire, Wis. 
 
 Ach, Himmel! It vas pitiful abouid 
 der eppydemic of automobilious fever 
 dot is now dewastating dis fair land. 
 
 Eferybody dot efer sqveezed toged- 
 'der two dollars, und held on to dem 
 after der grocer's bill vas paid, is now 
 
 131
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 roaring through der streets in some 
 kind of a foolish-vagon. 
 
 It vas impossibility any more to look 
 ouid der vindow mitouid seeing der 
 cheneral public scurrying avay from a 
 benzine buggy like chickens chased py 
 a puppy dog, yet. 
 
 Efery day you read it in der news- 
 papers how der valking public vas 
 chased und persecutioned, und beaten, 
 und chumped upon, und bruised, und 
 battered, und vipt, und slapped in der 
 face py der treacherous devil vagons. 
 
 Like der skellington in der closet, like 
 der shadow at der feast, der naughty- 
 mobile stands between der valking pup- 
 lie und der enchoyment of life. 
 
 A bas der crazy cart, und conspuez 
 der chuffer! 
 
 I haf a friend py der name of Daniel 
 Arthurhauser, und der vay der auto- 
 mobilious fever broke ouid in him 
 makes der pestilence look like a mild 
 case of measles. 
 
 I t'ink dot you know Daniel Arthur- 
 hauser, yet. 
 
 He is a relative py marriage mit der 
 celebrationary stage actress, Mary 
 Apenta, owing to der fact dot he is her 
 husband, alretty. 
 
 132
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 In puplic life Daniel is a manager, 
 but in private life und avay from der 
 glare of der feetlights he is known as 
 Danapenta. 
 
 Formerly Dan vas a chentle-man- 
 nered chent mit a pleasing woice vich 
 came ouid only ven spoken to. 
 
 But since Dan vas soaked py der 
 automobilious fever he seems to have 
 ball-bearing lungs und his wocabulary 
 stays ouid doors all day long. 
 
 His conversationing vas now as fre- 
 quent as a gas meter, und der trail of 
 der horselessness vas ofer it all. 
 
 At der breakfast table formerly he 
 vould say pleasantly py his vife : 
 "Mary, my dear, vill you gif me a 
 leedle more shredded sawdust und 
 anudder cup of coffee?" 
 
 But since der automobilious fever 
 grabbed him Daniel now says it at der 
 breakfast table: "My dear, turn der 
 accelerator into der incendiary vare der 
 spark-coil abrogates der cornucopia 
 und let me haf anudder cup of gaso- 
 lene!" 
 
 I vent up-town in New York mit him 
 vun day to a garbage. 
 
 Der garbage, you know, Looey, is 
 
 133
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 der place vare der automobubbles is 
 kept in captifity. 
 
 Ve peeped in der door, und dare, 
 snorting mit der smell of battle in deir 
 nostrils, stood "Der Red Devil," "Der 
 Crimson Crusher," "Der Blue Death," 
 "Der Undertaker's Delight," "Der 
 Heliotrope Homicide," "Der Grave- 
 digger's Choy," "Der Pink Peril," und 
 "Der Rainbow Roughhouse." 
 
 It vas a spectacle to stir der blood 
 to see dem machines full mit gasolene 
 und panting like human beings in deir 
 eagerness to be up und doing some- 
 pody. 
 
 Arthurhauser yust vanted to hang 
 arount dot garbage all day und vatch 
 'dem mankillers get fed. 
 
 Poor Daniel ! he has now der busy 
 barouche on der brain. 
 
 He said py me vun day lately: 
 "Dinky, I haf yust bought a new auto- 
 mobuzzle. It is a runabouid. To-mor- 
 row I vill took it ouid for der fairst 
 time. Vill you be my guest in der run- 
 abouid?" 
 
 "No, Daniel," I set; "but I vill be 
 your guest in a runabouid of my own." 
 
 Den I left him und I run abouid two 
 miles mitouid stopping. 
 
 134
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Ven I vish to commit a suicide it vill 
 not be from der qvarterdeck of a fool- 
 ish vagon. 
 
 Der next day I vas stooding on der 
 street talking mit my olt college 
 chumps, Chilvio Hein und Chene 
 Cowlesbauer. 
 
 Yust den der fire alarm bell started 
 to ring der velkin. Der steam vissle at 
 der lobster factory vare der dudes come 
 from also made a screech of alarm. 
 
 "Vot is it?" I set, mit an amazing- 
 ment in my woice. 
 
 Chilvio stood dare like a statue of ice 
 cream. He vas frost-bited mit terror.* 
 
 "Run for your life, und also run a 
 leedle for mine!" Chene Cowlesbauer 
 vispered. "Der terror of der streets is 
 loose again ! Doan'd you hear der varn- 
 ing bells ? Look ! Look ! Der puplic 
 is chumping in der cyclone cellars! 
 Annuder naughtymobile horselessness 
 is ouid seeking whom it may devour! 
 Run for your life, und run a leedle for 
 mine also on der side !" 
 
 Den my two friends fell ofer der 
 wall into a stranger's lawn mitouid a 
 introduction, und I stood dare vaiting 
 to see vot vould happen next. 
 
 Suttently it happened. 
 
 135
 
 DINKELSPIEU'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Arount der corner rushed an auto- 
 mobuckboard, utterly beyond all human 
 help. It vas snapping und biting at 
 eferyding in its pathvay. 
 
 Seated at der throttle vas Daniel 
 Arthurhauser, mit a horse look in his 
 eyes like vot der ancient martyrs used 
 to vear. 
 
 Also he hat four dollars in his left 
 hand as a revard to anyvun dot vould 
 save his life from der mad machinery. 
 
 After der automobuzzard pushed 
 down four lamp posts und two street 
 cars, und chewed der shoulder straps 
 off a policeman, it vas captured py a 
 newspoy und killed. 
 
 Den Daniel crawled ouid from under 
 der grocer's vagon vare he landed dur- 
 ing der eggscitement und began to 
 eggsplanation dot der eccentric had 
 buckled mit her parallelograms, vich 
 threw der hyperdermic into der macera- 
 tor, und, darefore 
 
 But der eggspression of hate und 
 windictiffness on der face of der pant- 
 ing automobusy vas too much for me, 
 und I fled der spot yust as Chilvio und 
 Chene vas cameing up ofer der garten 
 vail. 
 
 Omar Khayyam vas right, Looey, 
 
 136
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ven he set it dot der automobubble is 
 der rich man's booze und der poor 
 man's chaser. 
 
 Yesterday, Looey, for der fairst time 
 in dis my mortal life, I vent ouid speed- 
 limiting in a automobuzzer. 
 
 Der sensation of riding in a automo- 
 buzzer is der same idea as falling half 
 vay downstairs und den changing your 
 mind und chumping back. 
 
 It vas at der inwitationment of my 
 olt college chump, Ferdinand Hausen- 
 bauer, dot I took dis ride in der auto- 
 mobuzzer mit him, und nefer to der 
 end of my dying days vill I forget how 
 much I stayed up in der air und how 
 leedle I used der cushion. 
 
 Ferdinand keeps der delicatessen 
 shop on Columbus Afenue near der 
 Circle, und he is his own chuffer. 
 
 Dis vord chuffer vas removed from 
 der French to description a man dot 
 runs a automobuzzer. 
 
 Der reason dot der vord vas pinched 
 from der French is dot eferybody ofer 
 here vas busy eider learning to run ma- 
 chines or learning to dodge dem, so ve 
 hat to borrow chuffer. 
 
 "Der idea is to remain ouidvardly 
 calm und indifference in der face of 
 
 137
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 danger," vispered Ferdinand as ve 
 rushed into der boozum of a flock of 
 cows. 
 
 I could feel der finish cameing. 
 
 "Bet you a pretzel I doan'd touch 
 dem !" set Ferdinand ; den mit a slight 
 turn of der wrist he chumped der auto- 
 mobuzzer across der road, und all I 
 could feel vas der short, sharp svish 
 of an olt cow's tail across my cheek as 
 ve rushed on ouid of her life forefer. 
 
 A automobuzzer flies different from 
 a hen, because a hen is seldom loose 
 enough to get ofer a fence. To a auto- 
 mobuzzer a fence is merely a slight 
 laughing matter vich it alvays rises su- 
 perior to. 
 
 "How vas business?" I inkvired, und 
 yust den der machine struck a stone 
 und I vent up in der air. 
 
 "Unsettled," set Ferdinand ven I got 
 back, und I bit my teeth mit embarrass- 
 ments. 
 
 A automobuzzer is more like a eagle 
 in its flight, only it doan'd stop for 
 meals. 
 
 To hold a polite conversationing on 
 a automobuzzer in full retreat is der 
 same idea as to repeat der Declaration 
 of Independence vile falling ouid of de 
 
 138
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 seventh-story vindow. Der adverbs 
 growl back at you und der adjectives 
 get dizzy und fall ouid of der buggy. 
 
 "How much dit you vin on der races 
 dis year, Ferdinand?" I inkvired as ve 
 reached der top of a steep hill. 
 
 Yust den my stomach refused to ac- 
 company me any furder, so I knew ve 
 hat started down der hill. Ven I re- 
 cofered consciousness der hill vas many 
 miles behind us, still vundering vot had 
 struck it. 
 
 In all probabilities a automobuzzer is 
 more like a tornado, only it doan'd get 
 in der newspapers so often. 
 
 Down der road ahead of us a man 
 und his vife vas quarreling. Dey vas 
 so busy mit deir anger dot dey did not 
 hear us sneaking up on rubber tires. 
 
 Yust as ve drew near dem Ferdinand 
 made der horn become der author of a 
 loud "toot ! toot !" 
 
 Der voman threw up both hands und 
 leaped for der man. Der man threw 
 up both feet und leaped for der fence. 
 Der last ve saw of dem dey vas enter- 
 ing deir modest home, neck und neck, 
 und der divorce court lost a bet. 
 
 I doan'd know how dit I get home, 
 but I dit, und den mit dot wanity vich 
 
 139
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 is der curse of mankind I began to tell 
 your mother vot a fine time I hat und 
 vot a skinch it is to run a automo- 
 buzzer. 
 
 "Could you run it yourself alone 
 yet?" inkvired your mother. 
 
 "Vy, mitouid der conclusion of a 
 doubt!" I responsed, und, Looey, vot 
 do you dink? 
 
 Your mother telephoned for der lend- 
 ing of his machine to Ferdinand, und 
 he dit it! 
 
 Chee viz ! vot a predicklement ! 
 
 But I vas game you know your fa- 
 ther, Looey! 
 
 Mit your mother sitting in der lim- 
 burgerine end of der Coal-Oil Coupe I 
 chumped in und receifed my final in- 
 structionment from Ferdinand. 
 
 "Now, Dinky," he set, "grab der veel 
 vich is in front of you firmly mit both 
 hands und put vun foot on der accelera- 
 tor. Now put der udder foot on der 
 rheostat und let der left elbow chently 
 touch der deodizer. Keep der blow- 
 pipe connecting mit der automatic fog- 
 vissle closely between der teeth, und let 
 der right elbow be in touch mit der 
 quadruplex, vile der apex of der left 
 
 140
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 knee vas pressed against der spark- 
 coil." 
 
 "Vy doan'd you put my left shoul- 
 der to work? It vas der only part of 
 my antimony dot ain'd got a chob," I 
 vispered. 
 
 Ferdinand vas very serious abouid it. 
 
 "Now, den," he set, "keep both eyes 
 on der road in front of you und der 
 rest of your face in der vagon. Start 
 der driving veels, repeat slowly der 
 name of your favorite Coroner, und 
 leave der rest to fate." 
 
 Dus ve started ouid in der Busy 
 Barouche. 
 
 Abouid half a mile from home der 
 machine began to breathe fast, und den 
 all of a sudden it choked up und 
 stopped. 
 
 "Vas ve shipwrecked ?" vispered your 
 mother in pleading accents. 
 
 "No; I dink it vas der cosmopolitan 
 has buckled mit der condenser," I set, 
 und den, mit a monkey wrench, I 
 crawled under der machine to see vare 
 it had der appendicitis. 
 
 As soon as I crawled under der bull- 
 vorks I took a dislike to a brass valve 
 und began to knock it mit der monkey 
 wrench, und der valve got mad at me 
 
 141
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 und spilled abouid a pint of retired 
 salad oil all ofer my features. 
 
 Ven I recofered consciousness der 
 machine vas breathing again, so I 
 chumped to der helm, pointed der bow 
 at Yonkers, und avay ve vent. 
 
 Now it seemed dot der demon of un- 
 rest vas in der weins of dot automo- 
 buzzer, for it began to chump and skip 
 through der suburban highvays like a 
 antelope. 
 
 I patted it on der back und spoke 
 soodingly, but it vas no use. 
 
 Your mother pleaded mit me to keep 
 in near der shore, because she vas get- 
 ting seasick, but her tears vare in wain. 
 
 Yust den someding snapped in der 
 boozum of der machine, und it started 
 for Halifax, Nova Scotia, on der basis 
 of 2,000,000 miles a minute. 
 
 Your mother threw her arms around 
 my neck, und I threw my neck around 
 der lever, und der lever threw me 
 down, und ve both threw a fit. 
 
 A man vas coming tovards us on a 
 bisoocle, but ven ve met him he seemed 
 to change his mind, und vent over in a 
 cornfield und tried to change der scen- 
 ery mit his forehead. 
 
 142
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Ve kept his bisoocle on our smoke- 
 stack for a souvenir. 
 
 Yust den der machine began to climb 
 a telegraph pole, und as it ran down 
 der udder side your mother vanted to 
 know for der tenth und last time if ve 
 hat stopped off at a powder mill during 
 a eggsplosion. 
 
 "How dit Ferdinand tolt you to tame 
 it?" yelled your mother, as the machine 
 bit its way through a stone fence and 
 began to dance over a strange man's 
 lawn. 
 
 "Der only way to tame it is to get a 
 ax," I yelled, as ve struck der main 
 road again. 
 
 "Ach, Himmel! let me ouid! let me 
 ouid !" shrieked your mother, und der 
 machine heard her und made good. 
 
 I found ouid aftervards dot in order 
 to oblige der lady der machine chumped 
 up in der air und turned a double hand- 
 spring, during vich ve fell ouid and 
 landed in vun of der most chenerous 
 mud puddles I efer encountered. 
 
 Den der automobuzzer turned around 
 und barked at us, und mit a visk of its 
 tail scooted ouid of our lives forefer. 
 
 Since dot awful day Ferdinand hates 
 dis household mit all der bitterness of a 
 
 143
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 chuffer for his fairst-born automobuz- 
 zer. 
 
 Your mother is now so nerfous dot 
 ven any vun mentions a automobilious 
 vagon she goes in 'der butler's pantry 
 tmd throws dishes at der butler. 
 
 144
 
 IX. 
 
 THE WEDDING PRESENT. 
 
 Home. Dis Veek. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER LOOEY Ve 
 haf receifed your letter from 
 Spookane, und ve vas glat dot 
 your healt' continuations to be com- 
 fortable und uneggscited. 
 
 Eferyding vas quiet und peaceful mit 
 us here at home mit der eggsception 
 dot your cousin, Charles Hausenbauer, 
 vill get marriaged to Laura Schmittzen- 
 meyer next Chewsday at der home of 
 der bride's parents, vich is a flat ouid 
 Morningside vay mit sigs rooms, four 
 children und a bath. 
 
 Charles is a nice young man abouid 
 der 23 age, mit a slender forehead und 
 a chob at twelve dollars per in der deli- 
 catessen kept by Rudolph Sauerface. 
 
 Charles has vorked for old man 
 Sauerface dese last sefen years, und 
 der boy hat great eggspectations from 
 der Boss. 
 
 146
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Charles vent py him und set : "Boss, 
 I going to get marriaged, mebbe, yes !" 
 
 Rudolph looked at him ofer his 
 glasses und set: "Perhaps you vas, 
 yes ! Is it my fault, mebbe ?" 
 
 Charles dug der end of his shoe in 
 der floor und responsed: "Could you 
 holiday me, yes, so I can get mar- 
 riaged ?" 
 
 "Dit I haf a holiday ven I got mar- 
 riaged?" inkvired Rudolph. 
 
 "I am searchable," vispered Charles. 
 
 "I vas marriaged during der dinner 
 hour und vas back to vork before der 
 vissle blowed," set Rudolph. 
 
 "I can unterstoot all dot I haf seen 
 your vife," set Charles, more in pity 
 den in sorrow. 
 
 "Vot prospectifs haf you to get mar- 
 riaged on?" set Rudolph. 
 
 "I t'ought, mebbe, you vould make 
 my vages longer to spend because many 
 years, alretty, haf I vorked for less, 
 und now is cameing der time ven two 
 mouths haf more appetite den vun, und 
 such should be der revard vot I get, 
 mebbe." 
 
 "I pay you now twelve dollars per 
 der veek, ain'd it?" set Rudolph. 
 
 "It is it," set Charles. 
 
 146
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "Twelve dollars per der veek is a 
 nice bunch of money, yet," set Rudolph. 
 
 "It is," set Charles, "but it doan'd 
 scatter enough ven two begins to live 
 on it." 
 
 "Veil," set Rudolph, "ven I got mar- 
 riaged I lived on eight dollars per der 
 veek." 
 
 "Yes, but my vife has got der habit 
 to eat at least tvice a day, und I hate to 
 break her of it," set Charles. 
 
 "Eggstravagance is der root of much 
 annoyance," set Rudolph. 
 
 "Den I doan't get der vages raised 
 to more of a bunch ?" inkvired Charles. 
 
 "Vot you haf got you get," set Ru- 
 dolph. 
 
 Poor Charles bited deep on his t'umb 
 und valked avay, crestfallingly. 
 
 "Vait, Charles!" set Rudolph; "it is 
 dot your vages keeps stationary, but I 
 vill gif you some adwice vich vill safe 
 you abouid nine dollars per der veek 
 ven you get marriaged, mebbe. I haf 
 been dese many years in der delicates- 
 sen pitzness, und I haf, darefore, fig- 
 ured ouid many vays to eat cheap, und 
 dareby safe your money. In der morn- 
 ing, Charles, let me gif you dis idea 
 abouid breakfast, vich could be Mock 
 
 147
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Ham und Eggs, und vich you make 
 dis vay: Place der vite of a newspa- 
 per in der frying pan, und den cofer der 
 center mit an Italian sunset picked 
 fresh from a magazine picture. Dis 
 forms der basis of der egg, und it 
 tastes very realistic. Be sure to get a 
 fresh newspaper und a fresh maga- 
 zine, uddervise der imitation egg vill 
 be dull und insipid. Now add a few 
 slices of pickled linoleum und fry care- 
 lessly for twenty minutes. Serve hot 
 mit imitation salt und pepper on der 
 side. Dis is a daylight dish, because 
 der sunset effect is lost if cooked after 
 dark." 
 
 Charles looked hard at Rudolph vich 
 prearranged his glasses und vent on. 
 
 "Now, den, Charles, for der luncheon 
 you could haf Imitation Sausages, vich 
 is made py dis leedle processes, yet: 
 Coax a few feet of garden hose into 
 der kitchen und den kidnap it. Ven it 
 is finally subdued, chop it into sections 
 und stuff it mit odds und ends. Nice 
 fresh odds und ends may be bought 
 py der wholesale at any fairst-class 
 chunk shop. Place der result in a 
 saucepan mitouid adding any vater, be- 
 cause if you put vater in mit der gar- 
 
 148
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 den hose it vill get up und go ouid on 
 der lawn. Now let it sizzle. Ven der 
 imitation clock points to an hour und a 
 half der sausage is done. Serve hot 
 mit a lawn mower to cut der hose." 
 
 Charles vas on der werge of a col- 
 lapse, but he changed his mind und 
 moved over near der door vile Rudolph 
 vent on spending his adwice like a 
 spendt'rift. 
 
 "Now, Charles, for der dinner you 
 could haf fairst of all some Imitation 
 Mock Turtle Soup, vich is made dis 
 vay : Go ouid in der garden und catch 
 a young mock. Remove der pin fed- 
 ders und place der mock in a skillet. 
 Catch an onion ven it is not looking 
 und push it in der skillet. Add vater 
 und let it sizzle. Add more vater. Al- 
 vays boil der vater before adding, und 
 alvays vash der vater before boiling. 
 Let it sizzle. Now upset der skillet into 
 der soup tureen und add imitation to- 
 bascum sauce. Nice tobascum sauce 
 can be made from pickled firecrackers. 
 Serve hot und keep der lips closed 
 firmly vile eating it from der left-hand 
 side of der spoon." 
 
 Charles vas now close py der door, 
 
 149
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 praying mit both hands for a police- 
 man, but Rudolph vent right on. 
 
 "Now den, Charles, comes my idea 
 of a cheap dinner vich you could haf 
 Imitation Roast Beef, as following: 
 Draw from memory der ouidlines of a 
 cow und remove der forequarter. Place 
 der forequarter on der gridiron und let 
 it sizzle. Now brown der veats und 
 draw vun. Add boiling vater und stir 
 chently mit a imitation spoon. After 
 cooking two hours, try it mit der can 
 opener. If it breaks der can opener, it 
 is not done. Let it sizzle. Ven der 
 supper bell rings serve hot, mit imita- 
 tion pickles on der side. Nice pickles 
 can be made from green trading 
 stamps, but be careful to squeeze ouid 
 all der premiums from der green 
 stamps before using." 
 
 Py dis time Charles hat fell back- 
 vards ouid of der delicatessen, und he 
 nefer stopped running until he valked 
 breat'lessly into der presence of his af- 
 fianced bride. 
 
 Ven he tolt her der vedding present 
 'dot der Boss gifed him Laura made 
 him rush ouid und get annuder chob. 
 
 Vich he dit at fourteen per der 
 
 150
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 veek, und I dink dey vill lif happy efer 
 after, mebbe. 
 
 Last efening your mother und me ve 
 vent down to your Uncle Oscar 
 Schmittberger's for a slight game of 
 pinochle vich resulted unconsciously, 
 because ve found your Uncle entertain- 
 ing a Cherman nobility py der name of 
 der Count Cheese von Cheese. 
 
 Der count is traveling in dis country 
 incogveels. 
 
 Incogveels is a vord vich means dot 
 his majority is here but he has left his 
 plurality at home. 
 
 In udder vords, Looey, ven a man 
 trafels incogveels he leaves his own 
 name at home in der safe und uses a 
 simpler name vich fits him looser 
 around der neck. 
 
 Der Count Cheese von Cheese vas 
 introduced to me as yust plain Herr 
 Bungstarter, from Berlin, but your 
 Uncle Oscar vispered to me in der but- 
 ler's pantry der real truth abouid de 
 Count incogveels. 
 
 From vot your Uncle Oscar insini- 
 vated I chudge dot der Count Cheese 
 von Cheese is ofer here to pick ouid a 
 heiress und fall in luff mit her because 
 he needs der money. 
 
 151
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Efery steamer brings dem ofer, 
 Looey, some incogveels, some in dress 
 suits, und some in hoc signo quinces, 
 but all of dem able to pick ouid a lady 
 mit a bank account at fifty paces. 
 
 It is getting so now, Looey, dot a 
 open-face, stem-vinding American has 
 to kick four Dukes, eight Earls, sefen 
 Counts und a cubble of Princes off der 
 front steps efery time he goes to call 
 on his millionheiress sveetheart. 
 
 Ven I go down into Vail Street, 
 Looey, I find rich men mit der tears 
 streaming down deir faces vile dey vas 
 calling up on der tellyfone to see if deir 
 daughter, Cornicopia, is still safe at 
 home vare dey left her in der morning 
 early abouid half an hour ago. 
 
 Ven I valk through der audacious 
 palaces of der rich on Fifth Afenue I 
 find proud mothers bowed mit a great 
 grief und holding on to a rope vich is 
 tied to deir daughter's ankle so she is 
 unable to run ouid on der front pizazza 
 und throw kisses at der titled foreign- 
 ers. 
 
 You find dem eferyvare, Looey, rush- 
 ing hidder und tidder, und sniffing der 
 air for der odor of burning money. 
 
 Der streets cars vas full mit Earls 
 
 152
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 und Baronets und young Dukines all 
 trafeling incogveels und on transfers. 
 Dare dey vas, Looey, reading der pa- 
 pers und sitting in der best seats in der 
 street cars until an heiress chumps 
 aboard und hands dem der address mit 
 a copy of her papa's bank book. Den 
 dey arise demselfs mit a true nobility 
 of motion und inkvire how soon vill be 
 der vedding, because I luff you. 
 
 Vy should it be dus, Looey? 
 
 Ve haf laws in dis country to pro- 
 tection der birds und der trees und der 
 deer und der squirrels und all animals 
 eggscept dem dot can be reached py an 
 automobile, but vy doan'd ve haf a law 
 to protection der heiress? 
 
 Vy is it dese titled chents borrow car 
 fare to come ofer here und give dis fair 
 land a fit of indigestion? Vy do dey 
 set deir proud feets on der soil on vich 
 our forefathers fought und bled for 
 deir country, und for vich some of us 
 vas still fighting und bleeding der coun- 
 try? Vy? 
 
 Vy do dey come ofer here mit a sil- 
 ver cigaroot case und a society direc- 
 tory und make efery rich man in der 
 country fasten a burglar alarm to his 
 check book? 
 
 153
 
 DINKELSPIEL'8 LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Find ouid, Looey. 
 
 A few days ago, Looey, vun of dese 
 Counts chumped off der ocean dachs- 
 hund liner, und immediately der price 
 of padlocks und der vages of private de- 
 tectives rose to der highest point efer 
 known on der Stock Exchange. 
 
 All ofer der country rich men mit 
 romantic daughters rushed to und fro 
 und den rushed back again. Dey vas 
 up against vun of dem crisises. 
 
 If you vish to spend abouid three 
 dollars on der long-distance tellyfone, 
 Looey, you can hear dem rich fellows 
 shrieking der battle cry : "To arms ! 
 der foe! der foe! he comes mid nud- 
 dings but a full dress suit und a blank 
 marriage license ! To arms ! to arms !" 
 
 Der tellygraf vires vas also sizzling 
 mit der eggscitement. I haf seen some 
 of der dispatches vich dey vould make 
 your blood curdle mit angvish und sor- 
 row for der rich. Dis is some of der 
 dispatches : 
 
 "Glens Falls. To-day. 
 
 "At ten-thirty dis morning Rudolph 
 Oscar Puffenlotz, der millionaire stone- 
 breaker, read der startling news dot a 
 foreign Count had yust landed in New 
 York. His emotion vas patetic. His 
 
 154
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 daughter, Gasolene Panatella, who vill 
 inherit $19,000,000, mostly in bonds, 
 stocks und newspaper talk, vas avay 
 from home at der dental parlor ven der 
 blow fell. Calling his household abouid 
 him, Mr. PufTenlotz rushed into der 
 dental parlor, beat der dentist down mit 
 his bill, dragged Gasolene Panatella 
 home und locked her up in der rear 
 cupboard of der spare bedroom in der 
 annex. Her teeth suffered some, but, 
 t'ank Heafen! her money vill remain 
 in dis country. Der community breathes 
 easier, but all der incoming trains vas 
 being vatched." 
 
 Dare you see it, Looey, to vot a con- 
 tingency ve vas cameing. It vill be 
 soon dot der heiresses vill be locked up 
 in der safety deposit waults mit papa's 
 bank book. 
 
 Here is annuder telegram dispatch in 
 der newspapers, Looey. Read how un- 
 happy it is, yet : 
 
 "Long Island City. Lately. 
 
 "Pinchenhauser Shortface, der mil- 
 lionaire, who made a fortune by in- 
 wenting a vay to open clams py steam, 
 has determined dot no foreign Count 
 vill marry his daughter, Sudsetta. She 
 vill inherit abouid $193,000,000 in se- 
 
 155
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 curities, abouid $18 of vich is loose 
 enough to spend. Der unhappy father 
 is building a spite fence around his 
 mansion abouid twenty-two feet tall, 
 und all der unmarried millionaires mit- 
 ouid daughters vill contribution broken 
 Ruinart bottles to put on top of der 
 fence. If der Count gets Sudsetta he 
 is more of a sparrow den her father 
 dinks he is." 
 
 You see it, Looey? 
 
 All ofer der country rich men vas 
 dropping deir beloved daughters in der 
 cyclone cellars, und hiding mama's 
 stocking mit der money in it ouid in 
 der hayloft. 
 
 I vas glat, Looey, dot I am not a rich 
 man mit a daughter dot vas eating her 
 heart ouid for a title und a castle on 
 der Rhinevine. 
 
 No female child of mine should efer 
 marry a tall chent mit a valet sam- 
 vviched in between two valises und a 
 literary education vich seldom gets be- 
 yond I O U. 
 
 See vot you can do to stop it, Looey, 
 please. 
 
 156
 
 X. 
 
 THE MICROBE CRAZE. 
 
 Home. Now. 
 
 MEIN LIBBER SON LOOEY 
 Ve haf receifed your letter 
 from Harrisburg, Pa., und 
 ve vas glat to hear dot soon you vill haf 
 a wacationment from your duties on der 
 road, drummering. 
 
 Ve also notice der leedle choke vot 
 you say in your letter abouid der rail- 
 road samviches going on a strike be- 
 cause dey haf been insulted by der 
 Beef Trust. 
 
 But dare vas vun ding for vich I 
 haf alvays admirationed der railroad 
 samvich, Looey, und dot is its modesty. 
 It has nefer claimed to be someding 
 vich it ain't. You nefer heard of a rail- 
 road samvich getting sticked on itself 
 und eggsclaiming : "I am der brother 
 to der ox, und der best juice of der 
 beef runs in my veins !" 
 
 Nefer, Looey. 
 
 Alvays you vill find it, Looey, going 
 
 167
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 modestly urid smilingly from customer 
 to customer und being only vot a luff- 
 ing nature intentioned it should be, yust 
 plain sliced boot heels set in gluten 
 bread from der Glue Tree. 
 
 Dis recollections me, Looey, dot ve 
 gafe a leedle dinner at our house last 
 T'ursday efening in honor of Doctor 
 Goosehauser, vich is wishing here from 
 Chinchinnati. 
 
 Among dose also eating vas your 
 Uncle Oscar Schmittberger und your 
 Aunt Weezie; Ludwig Truckenmuller 
 und his daughter Griselda; Max Beer- 
 haben und Gust Schmalz, both of vich 
 haf fiancee ideas abouid Griselda. 
 
 You know, Looey, Doctor Goose- 
 hauser is vot der modern school of med- 
 icine vould call a food eggspert, und 
 eferyding he eats has to gif der coun- 
 tersign und den go through a written 
 eggsamination. 
 
 Veil, anyhow, ven der festifities 
 opened Doctor Goosehauser picked up 
 a trembling leedle neck clam on der end 
 of his fork und gave it der third de- 
 gree. 
 
 "I see here sympsons of sallysillic 
 acid mid borax phosphates yust vare 
 der leedle neck choins der shoulders," 
 
 158
 
 DIN KELSPI EL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 set der doctor, vile your mother's face 
 got red und I hid behind a glass of 
 vater. 
 
 "Put tobascum sauce on it," advised 
 Max Beerhaben. 
 
 "Have a lemon," set Ludwig Truck- 
 enmuller; "squeeze it ofer der clams 
 und make a vish." 
 
 Der doctor set no more, but disap- 
 peared der clams. 
 
 Ven der soup came on der doctor up- 
 lifted a spoonful and sloshed it slowly 
 back into der plate. 
 
 "Dot is Bull Run soup, doctor!" I 
 eggsplained it. 
 
 "Booyon, booyon soup," set your 
 mother, kicking my shins unter der 
 table. 
 
 "Here," set der doctor ; "here ve haf 
 traces of antiseptics und abouid ten per 
 cent, philharmonic acid." 
 
 "I doan'd belief I care for soup," said 
 Ludwig, paling his cheeks. 
 
 "I nefer eat soup," eggsclaimed Gust 
 Schmalz, "because it removes der ap- 
 petite too soon." 
 
 Der doctor set nuddings, but disap- 
 peared der soup. 
 
 Ven der fish vas brought on der doc- 
 tor danced ofer his plate mit der fork 
 
 159
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 und set: "Hydrostatic acid mit here 
 urid dare sympsons of manganese 
 cherms und a few sulphide microbes." 
 
 "I promised my late vife nefer to 
 eat fish," set Ludwig, mit a sigh vich 
 vas pitiful to hear. 
 
 Your mother vas now so nerfous dot 
 der hand shook like an ashpen, but der 
 doctor set nuddings und disappeared 
 der fish. 
 
 Den ve hat some chicken in der 
 Maryland style, Cherman fried pota- 
 toes, sliced cowcumbers und lettuce 
 salad. 
 
 When Ludwig saw all dis his face 
 broke a smile ouid und ve could see his 
 appetite roll up its sleeves. 
 
 "Here," set der doctor, balancing a 
 chicken ving on his fork, "here is a 
 cold storage hen vich has been treated 
 mit corrosive sublimity to keep it shiv- 
 ering." 
 
 "Pardon me, doctor," eggsclaimed 
 your mother, "but dis is not a cold 
 storage chicken, because I bought it 
 from Mrs. Riley dis morning." 
 
 "Possibly, Mrs. Dinkelspiel," set der 
 doctor, "possibly my hurried diagnosis 
 vas at fault, but here on der elbow of 
 der ving I find traces of pneumatic 
 
 160
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 poison mit sympsons of calisthenic acid 
 ofer der membranes." 
 
 "No, t'ank you, I nefer eat chicken, 
 it makes me bilious," set Ludwig, mit 
 such hunger in his woke as I hope 
 nefer to hear again. 
 
 Most of us only nibbled, but der doc- 
 tor disappeared two helpings. 
 
 "Could I haf some Cherman fried 
 potatoes?" vispered Ludwig, ven der 
 pangs of hunger ofercame him. 
 
 "Here ve find," set der doctor, hoist- 
 ing a sliver of Cherman fried high up 
 on his fork; "here ve find der bitterest 
 effect of food adulterationment. Dis 
 potato vas vashed in alum vater to gif 
 it der appearance of being modern, vile 
 its eyes haf been treated mit belladonna 
 to make dem bright und snappy." 
 
 Ludwig groaned pat'etically und der 
 rest of us tried to look interested, but 
 only succeeded in looking seasick. 
 
 Ven der ice cream und cake vas 
 brought on Doctor Goosehauser drove 
 his spoon down deep into his chocolate 
 und wanila mixed, und set: "Here is 
 a most pitiless eggsposay of vot trades- 
 men vill do for der sake of money. 
 Here ve find dot some of dis cream vas 
 pale originally und it vas treated mit 
 
 161
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 aniline dye to gif it dis chocolate effect 
 und den baked in der sun to deceive der 
 eye. On der udder hand, ve find dis 
 wanila vas originally dark und forbid- 
 ding, but has been treated mit peroxide 
 to make it more of a blonde." 
 
 "Pardon, doctor," eggsclaimed your 
 mother, mit her teeth chattering toged- 
 der mit nerfousness, "but dis ice cream 
 vas made in our own kitchen, by our 
 own cook, Dora, mit cream from Mrs. 
 Riley's own cow, und ve nefer use ani- 
 line dye eggscept at Easter on der eggs, 
 yet." 
 
 "Ah!" set der doctor, "den in dot 
 case it is traces of thanatopsis vich I 
 see, und der evidence is plain dot much 
 artificial frappay has been used, nefer- 
 derleast." 
 
 "No, t'anks," set Ludwig, "I nefer 
 eat ice cream, because it seems to go 
 to my head und make me cold to my 
 friends." 
 
 "Took dis coffee, for instance," set 
 der doctor, chuggling a spoonful mit 
 der left hand und four lumps of sugar 
 mit der right; "here you vill find cop- 
 per salts, iodide of horseshoe nails, und 
 fragments of kerosene oil." 
 
 162
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "No, t'ank you," set Ludwig, "I nef- 
 er drink coffee ; it makes me too sleepy 
 yust abouid bed time." 
 
 After der dinner vas ofer Ludwig 
 took me outside and vispered : "Dinky, 
 for Gott's sake, der next time you gif a 
 dinner party cut ouid der doctor or let 
 me vear ear-muffs." 
 
 Your mother has not spoken a sen- 
 sible vord since dot bitter efening. 
 
 Ve vas all veil at home mit der eggs- 
 ception dot your mother is got vun of 
 her cousins from Milvaukee stopping 
 at our house py der name of Oscar 
 Stottlebauer. 
 
 Mebbe it is, Looey, you doan'd heerd 
 your mother speak much abouid dis 
 Oscar because he is a cousin vunce re- 
 moved mit also long bunches of trained 
 hair flowing chently ofer der shoulders 
 from der apex of der noodle down- 
 vards. 
 
 Your mother's cousin is a moosician 
 und he has came to New York from 
 Milvaukee mit a opera vich is only 
 slightly concealed in public. 
 
 Efer since Oscar arrivaled der at- 
 mosphere of our vunce peaceful home 
 is full mit shrieking C-sharps und der 
 trail of der cadenza is ofer it all. 
 
 163
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 You remembrance dot leedle open- 
 face piano vich vas in der sitting-room, 
 Looey? 
 
 Veil, it has came upon bitter days, 
 poor t'ing! 
 
 Oscar has rattled its teet' und 
 tramped on its pedals so much dot I 
 doan'd t'ink it vill efer be quite der 
 same piano again. 
 
 You know, Looey, our leedle piano 
 has nefer been supcheckted to der hard- 
 ships of a two-handed performer, be- 
 cause your mother only uses it to pick 
 ouid "Columbia, der Germ of der 
 Ocean" mit der t'umb und fairst finger, 
 und vunce in a great vile I sit at it und 
 by pressing my kennuckles on der black 
 keys I can sqveeze from dem der tune 
 called "Should Old Acqvaintances Be 
 Forgetted !" 
 
 You can darefore unterstoot it, 
 Looey, vot a shock it must be to a shy, 
 timid, home-luffing leedle piano to haf 
 a strange man mit uncouth hair chump 
 at it suttenly und begin to beat opening 
 choruses und ensembles ouid of it mit 
 his two cast-iron t'umbs und eight 
 aluminus fingers all vorking at vunce. 
 
 Abouid der moosic vich Oscar's 
 
 164
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 cheenus has gathered up in bunches I 
 haf nuddings to say. 
 
 Sometimes it sounds like Richard 
 Wagner, sometimes like Sebastian 
 Bach, und sometimes like Helen Blazes 
 mostly like Helen. 
 
 Anyvay, I doan'd see how Oscar can 
 be such a goot moosician, because he 
 has such a poor memory. 
 
 He vas eggsplaining to me der ud- 
 der day abouid dis inflictionment. 
 
 "Vot vould you suchchest, Dinky," 
 he set. "Mit faces I haf a memory, but 
 mit names I haf a forgettery. Now 
 here is in New York a young lady vicK 
 I vish to sing der sopranoess moosic in 
 my opera py der name of Miss Chris- 
 topher, but yust der moment vot I step 
 in her presence her name vill become 
 omitted from my mind und I vill begin 
 to shiver from pit to dome mit embar- 
 rassings." 
 
 "Vot is der lady's name ?" I inkvired. 
 
 "Miss Christopher," he set. "You 
 see I can remembrance it all right till 
 I meet her, but der moment she speaks 
 at me my memory gets up und leaves 
 der room." 
 
 "Miss Christopher," I set. "For der 
 
 165
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 improvement of der memory dit you 
 efer try der assassination of ideas ?" 
 
 "No," set Oscar, "I doan'd much be- 
 lieve in patent medicine." 
 
 "Dis ain't medicine," I eggsplained. 
 "Dis is fizzyologies. Der assassination 
 of ideas is vare you take someding vich 
 you alvays forget und choin it to some- 
 ding vich you alvays memorize; den 
 ven you begin to forget it der memory 
 of der udder idea begins to short-cir- 
 cuit der brain cells und der result is 
 knowledge." 
 
 "Dot grows plausible," set Oscar. 
 
 "Let us took der case of Miss Chris- 
 topher," I went on. "Vot is der assassi- 
 nation of ideas mit Miss Christopher?" 
 
 "Der center of der stage, der star 
 dressing-room und much vages veek- 
 ly," set Oscar. 
 
 "Better yet," I set, "better yet for 
 dis purpose if ve take a ferry-house for 
 der assassination of ideas mit Miss 
 Christopher. If you cannot remem- 
 brance Miss Christopher, you can rec- 
 ollection Christopher ferry, can't you, 
 Oscar?" 
 
 "Sure," he set. 
 
 "Veil, dare is it," I responded. 
 "Dare is der assassination of ideas vich 
 
 166
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 cures der memory. All der vay up in 
 der cars to her house you say to your- 
 self, 'der ferry-house ! der ferry-house !' 
 Den ven you meet her you say vunce 
 more to yourself internally: 'Der 
 ferry-house!' und eggsternally comes 
 forth from der assassination of ideas 
 der vords : 'Pleased to meet you Miss 
 Christopher!'" 
 
 Und der next day Oscar called on 
 der lady und eggsclaimed: "Wie 
 gehts, Miss Cortlandt !" 
 
 But vot can ve eggspect from a man 
 dot uses up all der inside of his head 
 as an anchorage for his hair ? 
 
 Ve vas all veil at home mit der eggs- 
 ception dot Aunt Elsie is wisiting mit 
 us from Plainfield, N. J. 
 
 Aunt Elsie vas your mother's aunt, 
 Looey, but chee viz! 
 
 You haf read, Looey, dot book by 
 Olifer Vandell Holmes called der "Au- 
 tocrank of der Breakfast Table," ain't 
 you? 
 
 Veil, such is Aunt Elsie, only more 
 so, including der lunch table, der din- 
 ner table und der glass of beer table 
 yust before bedtime. 
 
 Your Aunt Elsie believes dot con- 
 versationing vas inwentioned for her 
 
 167
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 eggsclusive use, und she uses it eggs- 
 clusively to der eggsclusion of all ud- 
 ders in der room. 
 
 Language is der same to your Aunt 
 Elsie as seltzer is to a highball vun 
 of der necesseraries of life. 
 
 I luff to sit around der parlor, Looey, 
 und listen at any person discussioning 
 der topics of der day, und if vunce in 
 a vile dey permission me to come in mit 
 "Ja" or "Nein" I feel dot life vas vorth 
 lifing. 
 
 But no human being efer got a 
 chance to say "Ja" or "Nein" vile your 
 Aunt Elsie vas talking. 
 
 Much easier is it for a camel to go 
 through der eye of a noodle. 
 
 You vill recollection, Looey, dot your 
 Aunt Elsie's husband, vich vas called 
 Uncle Gustave Shauerbath, left dis 
 vorld so suttenly dot der coroner hat to 
 hold a post-morbid eggsamination. 
 
 Der post-morbid found dot Uncle 
 Gustave hat died from a rush of vords 
 to der sarahbellum. 
 
 Der coroner found upon eggsamina- 
 tion dot all of dese vords formerly be- 
 longed to your Aunt Elsie, mit der 
 eggsception of a few vich vas vunce der 
 
 168
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 property of your Uncle Gustave's fa- 
 vorite bartender. 
 
 Der coroner never tolt your Aunt 
 Elsie der painful truth. He vas afraid 
 she might hand him a fatal rush. 
 
 But yesterday, Looey, ve enchoyed 
 much amusement at der hands of your 
 Aunt Elsie. 
 
 Heafen forgif me for indulging in 
 dis gossip, Looey, but since it vas all in 
 der family it ain'd such a harm. 
 
 At der breakfast table your Aunt 
 Elsie found a vedding inwitation vich 
 vas mailed to her from Plainfield, und 
 much eggscitement vas der result. 
 
 Aunt Elsie read der inwitation. 
 "Mr. und Mrs. Rudolph Ganderkurds 
 request der honor of your presence at 
 der marriage of deir daughter, Ver- 
 bena, to Galahad Schmalzenberger, at 
 der home of der bride's parents, Plain- 
 field, N. J., October First. R. S. V. P." 
 
 "Veil," set Aunt Elsie, "I know der 
 Ganderkurds und I know deir daugh- 
 ter, Verbena, und I know Galahad 
 Schmalzenberger; he is a floorwalker 
 in Bauerhaupt's grocery store, but I 
 doan'd know vot is dot R. S. V. P., 
 yet!" 
 
 I kicked your mother's instep unter 
 
 169
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 der table und set to Aunt Elsie : "Veil, 
 dot is a new vun on me also. Vas you 
 sure it ain'd B. & O., or C. R. R. of 
 N. J.? Dem is a cubble of railroads, 
 but I nefer heard of der R. S. V. P." 
 
 For der fairst time in her life since 
 she vas old enough to grab a sentence 
 between her teeth und shake der pro- 
 nouns ouid of it Aunt Elsie vas dumb- 
 pounded. 
 
 She kept looking at der inwitation 
 und saying to herself: "R. S. V. P.! 
 vot is it? I know der honor of your 
 presence; I know der bride's parents, 
 but I doan'd know R. S. V. P." 
 
 All dot day your Aunt Elsie van- 
 dered through der house muttering to 
 herself: "R. S. V. P.! vot is it? Is 
 it some secret between der bride und 
 groom? R. S. V. P.! It ain't my 
 initials, because dey begin mit E. S. 
 Vot is dot R. S. V. P.? Vot is it? 
 Vot is it?" 
 
 Dot efening ve vas all at der dinner 
 table ven Aunt Elsie rushed in mit a 
 cry of choy. "I got it !" she set ; "I haf 
 untied der meaning of dot R. S. V. P. 
 It means Real Silver Vedding Presents 
 ain'd dot an up to dateness ?" 
 
 I vas just abouid to glass of vatec 
 
 170
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 myself at der time, but I changed my 
 mind und nearly choked to death ; your 
 mother tried to say someding vich re- 
 sulted only in a gurgle in her t'roat, 
 vile her face sunsetted itself mit inter- 
 nal laughter; der Svede servant girl 
 rushed ouid in der kitchen und broke a 
 cubble of dishes und your leedle Max 
 fell off his chair backvards on der cat 
 vich nefer dit him any harm. 
 
 Vile all dis vas happening your Aunt 
 Elsie recofered her voice und she nefer 
 let go of her recofery until bedtime. 
 
 Ve eggspect dot your Aunt Elsie's 
 wisit vill subside abouid next Vednes- 
 day und den vunce more der duff of 
 peace vill make its nest in our leedle 
 home. 
 
 171
 
 XI. 
 THE PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Home. Today. 
 
 MEIN LIEBER SON LOOEY 
 Your letter from Syracuse 
 vas receifed und ve vas all 
 glat at home dot your fairst trip ouid 
 has been such a successfulness. 
 
 Ve vas glat because you vas glat und 
 ve all be glat togedder. 
 
 Ingrowing happiness ain'd no goot 
 only for der selfish. 
 
 Ven a man keeps his happiness for 
 his own personal use he soon makes 
 himself tired. 
 
 Let der face be open und aboveboard 
 und cover it mit a smile. 
 
 A sour man is like vinegar to der 
 eyesight, but a happy eggspression is a 
 ice-cutter alvays. 
 
 If your father gifs you a leedle lec- 
 ture in dis letter, Looey, it vas yust be- 
 cause news vas as shy as der man dot 
 plays poker mit a pants button. 
 
 172
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Besides, Looey, dis vas a private let- 
 ter from father to son, und if it should 
 fall into der hands of der puplic dey 
 doan't haf to pay anyding for admis- 
 sion, yet. 
 
 I see it in your letter, Looey, dot you 
 spent two dollars und t'irty cents to 
 hold up your end even ven you was 
 only drinking chincher ale. 
 
 Dot's right, Looey, be a goot fellow, 
 but doan'd be a goot ding. 
 
 It vas better to be too chenerous den 
 too stingy, because a stingy man is his 
 own vorst punishment. 
 
 A mean man has all he makes, but he 
 makes no difference. 
 
 A chenerous man gifs eferyding avay 
 und manufactures happiness. 
 
 A stingy man only gifs himself avay, 
 und nobody vants him. 
 
 Ve vas all glat, Looey, dot you like 
 your chob as a drummer. 
 
 Contentment vas vun of der finest 
 sensations dot efer crept into a man's 
 mind und vanted to stay dere. 
 
 Your lot may be lowly, but happiness 
 is not alvays in der high places. 
 
 Look at der Sar of all der Roosians. 
 On der retreat from St. Petersburg der 
 only ding he touched vas der high 
 
 173
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 places, und he dittent haf time to stop 
 to tie his left shoe. 
 
 Be satisfied mit vot you haf, but 
 doan'd let dis prewent you from try- 
 ing to get a leedle more. 
 
 Remember dot many a man dot nefer 
 hat his name in der newspapers on dis 
 eart' vill be famous in Heafen. 
 
 Cheerfulness vas annuder nice idea, 
 Looey, because it gifs der laugh to hard 
 luck. 
 
 Speak alvays der pleasant vord of 
 cheer to der veary pilgrim by your 
 feetside, but doan'd vorry him too much 
 or he may dink you vas a bunkum 
 steerer. 
 
 Remember, a pleasant vord in der 
 jvoice is vorth two in der mind. 
 
 Und be an independence, Looey. 
 
 Independence used mit der proper 
 accent vas always a vinner. 
 
 It vas for independence dot our fore- 
 fathers fought und bled deir country 
 at Bunker Hill und mapped ouid der 
 city of Boston so Tom Lawson could 
 use it to have his frenzies in. 
 
 Independence mit a nice mixture of 
 common sense is vot efery man should 
 haf. 
 
 If der vorld knows dot you vas a man 
 
 174
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 mit veak knees it vill gif you a chance 
 to use dem. 
 
 Your mother says she vill send you 
 a bottle of home-made chow chow by 
 mail to Harrisburg. 
 
 She says you can eat it in der dining 
 car on der train und make der udder, 
 passengers chealous. 
 
 I haf been reading dot book vich you 
 made me at Christmas vich is called 
 "Omar Khayyam." 
 
 I haf heerd before many peoples 
 speak abouid der beauties of Omie's 
 philosophy und I vas glat to see it. 
 
 To me Omie's philososophy is like 
 vun of his own Persian rugs beautiful 
 to look at but eggspensive to valk on. 
 
 It seems too bad, Looey, dot some 
 of dose great philososphers ain'd living 
 in dese days ven ve haf so many dings 
 to use philososify for. 
 
 I vas making a leedle philososify 
 myself dis morning und I vould vish 
 you to glance it ofer carelessly to see 
 haf I got Omie stunged. 
 
 Visper! Ouid in der vilderness mit 
 a loaf of bread, a flask of vine, a book 
 of werse und dow, vas a nice idea if you 
 know der vay home again. 
 
 Efery rose has its t'orn, but ven a 
 
 175
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 smart man sits vunce on a tack efer 
 after does he look at der chair fairst. 
 
 Visdom may be food for der vise, 
 but der chump prefers coffee und sink- 
 ers. 
 
 Visper! No vurm efer turned ven 
 trodded upon if der trodder vas on his 
 chob. 
 
 Men haf ofercame mountains, but no 
 man can ofercame a skinch. 
 
 Efery successful man began at der 
 bottom und nailed der ladder before he 
 started to climb. 
 
 Visper! Ven a man begins at der 
 top look ouid for a goot hart bump ! 
 
 Truth is stranger den fiction, but fic- 
 tion vill keep you guessing longer. 
 
 Visper! A house divided against it- 
 self falls, but vile it is dividing der vise 
 man gets der dividends. 
 
 It is easy to call a hypocrite a goot 
 fellow, but der trouble is you doan'd 
 belief yourself. 
 
 Visper ! Der man dot sows der most 
 vild oats in his youth is der same man 
 dot has to eat der most cracked oats 
 in his age. 
 
 A man must grow olt to haf a mem- 
 ory; der young haf none. 
 
 Visper ! A mind mitouid a conscience 
 
 176
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 is like a rudder mitouid a ship. It can 
 steer all right, but dare is nudding to 
 steer. 
 
 Der human butterfly loafs among der 
 sveet flowers of praise, but der ice- 
 cutter goes from his office to der bank 
 und is content. 
 
 A great man can make any business 
 greater, but a small oyster cannot do 
 much mit a big stew ! 
 
 Visper ! Der vay of der transgressor 
 is hard on his family. 
 
 In politics no man is a transgressor 
 until he is found ouid den he is a slob. 
 
 Between two evils choose der vun 
 least likely to be talked abouid. 
 
 Visper! I have seen much und I 
 haf heerd much, but I haf spoke less 
 den I seen, und talked less den I heerd. 
 It is a vise tongue dot knows der right 
 listener. 
 
 Your mother says it dot I should gif 
 you in dis letter all der home news, vich 
 I vill dit it. 
 
 All vas quiet at home mit der eggs- 
 ception dot burglars broke in our house 
 Vednesday night und stole half a dozen 
 knives, but dey showed vot bad table 
 manners dey hat by forgetting to took 
 der forks also. I tolt der police abouid 
 
 177
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 it, but dey set der choke vas on der 
 burglars, because to took anyding 
 sharp like a knife mituoid leaving a 
 penny for it cuts friendship. 
 
 All vas quiet here at home mit der 
 eggsception dot der t'ermometer got 
 tired der udder night und vent down to 
 t'ree degrees below keno, vich bursted 
 der vater pipes, und for two days ve 
 hat an attack of plumbers in our midst, 
 vich is vun of der most eggspensive dis- 
 eases in all der history of nux vomica. 
 
 Ve vas all veil und happy at home 
 mit der eggsception dot burglars broke 
 into our house last Tuestay und stole 
 two vases from der mantelpiece und 
 four octaves from der piano. I tolt der 
 police abouid it und der police smiled 
 furiously. 
 
 All vas cheerful here at home mit der 
 eggsception dot your Uncle Herman 
 Splevin is wisiting us from Paterson, 
 N. Chay., und he has brought mit him 
 an attack of nervous procrastination, 
 vich forces him to took a glass of viskey 
 efery half hour py der doctor's orders, 
 vich includes in der prescription dot I 
 must pay for der viskey. Der only sat- 
 isfaction abouid it is dot Herman vas 
 on his vay to der Zoo ven he arrived 
 
 178
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 mit us, und now it is only a qvestion of 
 a few more half hours before his col- 
 lection of vite mice und pink center- 
 pedes vill be complete. 
 
 Ve vas all veil at home und efery- 
 ding vas peaceful mit der eggsception 
 of your mother, vich concluded vunce 
 more dot she vas getting too fat, so she 
 secured annuder passion for physical 
 torture to tease herself thinner. Last 
 night abouid twelve o'clock she hat an 
 attack of Indian clubs, vun of vich vas 
 contagious, because it settled on my 
 chest und spoiled my singing woice. 
 Den she became attached to a pair of 
 dumbbells and struggled mit dem for 
 five minutes, until vun of dem left her 
 und vent ouid through der bedroom 
 viridow, vich caused a rush of police- 
 men to der scene. For my part, I dink 
 fatness is no crime, but an angry dumb- 
 bell in der hands of a veak voman is 
 der gatevay vich leads ouid on der road 
 to ruin. 
 
 All vas quiet und peaceful at home 
 mit der eggsception dot burglars broke 
 into our house T'urstay night und stole 
 der alarm clock. Dis comes as a great 
 blow to me, because now I vill not be 
 able to know ven to vake up ven der 
 
 179
 
 DINKELSPIEJ-'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 next burglars come around. I tolt der 
 police abouid it, but dey set dot time 
 vas flying und how could dey catch a 
 tempus fugit burglar mitouid a airship ! 
 
 Ve vas all veil at home mit der eggs- 
 ception dot your leedle brother Max 
 has an attack of Indian fever, vich 
 caused him to took der carving knife 
 und enter der parlor stealthfully, vare 
 he climbed up in a chair und scalped a 
 painting of Chorge Vashington Cross- 
 ing der Delavare. He removed 
 Chorge's vig from der right ear to a 
 point abouid sigs inches from der 
 Chersey shore, und ven your mother 
 found him he hat moved der chair ofer 
 unter a painting of Frederick der 
 Grosse und hat separated Frederick 
 from all of his buttons und part of der 
 Imperial chin. After seferal doses of 
 your mother's slipper der Indian fever 
 has supsided, und leedle Max is so busy 
 trying to figure ouid ven he vill be able 
 to sit down again dot he has no time 
 for udder eggsploits. 
 
 Ve vas all veil at home mit der eggs- 
 ception dot your mother has begun der 
 Sprink housecleaning, und ven I ain'd 
 busy falling ofer a roll of carpet some- 
 vare I vas cherierally to be found in a 
 
 180
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 death struggle unter der stairs mit der 
 carpet-sveeper or der hallrack, vich has 
 crept upon me unavares und gafe me 
 der Jewish jitsu. 
 
 Ach, Looey, how I luff dis idea of 
 housecleaning ven comes der chentle 
 Sprink ! 
 
 You know, Looey, your mother has 
 a bitter wendetta against der microbe 
 family, und to efery cherm she is a spe- 
 cial meeting of der Black Hand. 
 
 All ofer der house, Looey, dare vas 
 nudding but eggscitement und soap- 
 suds. 
 
 All der day long der brooms und der 
 fedder dusters vas flying ofer der 
 household, und many a insect vich 
 t'ought he hat a Summer residence und 
 a meal ticket for life unter our carpet 
 is now a ouidcast und a homeless van- 
 derer. 
 
 All der pictures in der parlor haf 
 been cofered mit cheesecloth so der 
 flies doan'd use dem for autograph al- 
 bums dis Summer. 
 
 You know dot preferred steel en- 
 graving of "Chorge Vashington Cross- 
 ing Der Delavare" vich alvays hung py 
 der door of der sitting room, Looey? 
 
 Veil, it ain'd dare no more. 
 
 181
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 To help mit der housecleaning your 
 mother encaged a girl vich upon close 
 eggsamination proved to be a Svede 
 mitouid any knowledge of der Enklish 
 lankvich beyond such preliminary vords 
 as "Prosit !" und "Gesundheit !" 
 
 Der full name of der girl vas Helga, 
 but alvays in our hearts she vill live py 
 der fairst syllabus of der name. 
 
 Anyhow, Looey, after your mother 
 hat made signs mit der fingers und 
 shouted at Helga for five minutes, der 
 girl finally vent up der stepladder to 
 bring down der picture of Chorge so 
 she could get der dust off der river und 
 make der ice look cool und refreshing 
 for der Summer. 
 
 Helga vas eggstremely superstitious 
 mit regards to der stepladder, und she 
 approached it mit der same confidence 
 in it dot a Russian Cheneral has in a 
 bum-chell. 
 
 Up she vent mit all der enthusinism 
 of a sleepy snail, und yust ven Helga 
 reached ouid to get Chorge's picture 
 der door bell rang und your mother hat 
 to stop holding der stepladder und go 
 to answer it. 
 
 It vas den dot dings began to happen. 
 
 Der stepladder started to vobbling 
 
 182
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 und Helga started to yelling mit a 
 Svedish accent dot listened like a forty- 
 year-old newsboy trying to sell a fake 
 eggstra. 
 
 She made a grab at der mouldering 
 on der top of der vail, but der moulder- 
 ing refused to associate mit her und 
 Helga started on der downvard path. 
 
 Den she clutched vildly at der frame 
 of Chorge's picture, mit der result dot 
 Chorge and his boatload of refined of- 
 ficers choined Helga und vent mit her 
 on her downvard path, because vunce 
 a chentleman alvays a chentleman. 
 
 Ven your mother got back to der 
 room she found Helga mit her head 
 unter der sofa, screaming for a Svedish 
 doctor, vile der stepladder rested 
 amusingly across her shoulders und 
 kept her lashed to der mat. 
 
 Und den, ven your mother tried to 
 coax der stepladder avay Helga began 
 to kick mit both feets, vun of vich re- 
 moved der t'ree-cornered hat from 
 Chorge's head, und den, mit a Svedish 
 shriek, she put her left foot through 
 der Delevare River und spilled der ice 
 all ofer der carpet. 
 
 It vas a bitter moment, Looey, but it 
 only goes to proof vot dangers und per- 
 
 183
 
 DIMKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 ils surround us during der houseclean- 
 ing times. 
 
 Your mother says dot I should make 
 you in dis letter a nice bunch of chokes 
 vich vould mebbe cheerful you a leedle. 
 I ain'd much of a hand mit chokes 
 mineself, but I vas talking mit Gust 
 Bauerschmidt yesterday, und he 
 laughed me intensely. 
 
 You know Gust Bauerschmidt, 
 Looey! 
 
 He is der floorvalker in a informa- 
 tion bureau at der Grand Central De- 
 pot. 
 
 Gust vent into a barber shop der ud- 
 der day. 
 
 "Say!" set der barber, "your hair 
 needs cutting in der vorst vay !" 
 
 "Yes," set Gust, "dot's der vay you 
 cut it last time !" 
 
 Gust has a leedle boy py der name of 
 Chonny, und he vas sliding down der 
 banisters der udder day ven his mother 
 caught him. 
 
 "Vot vas you didding, son?" she in- 
 kvired. 
 
 "I vas making trousers for der or- 
 phans," said leedle Chonny. 
 
 "Chonny," set Gust to his son, "I 
 vant you to be a goot boy." 
 
 184
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 "I vill be goot if you gif me a nickel," 
 set Chonny. 
 
 "No," set Gust, "I vant you to re- 
 member dot you cannot be a son of 
 mine unless you be goot for nudding." 
 
 Gust got a new cook at his house und 
 his vife set to her: "Minnie, haf you 
 cracked dose nuts for dinner?" 
 
 "Yessum," set Minnie, "all but der 
 big vuns I couldn't get dem in my 
 mouth !" 
 
 Gust's vife vas vun day in a large 
 compartment store ven der floorvalker 
 rushed up to her und set : "Hurry ouid, 
 madam, der store vas on fire !" 
 
 "Ach! is it?" set Gust's vife; "den I 
 vill vait for der fire sale !" 
 
 Gust vas talking mit his doctor vun 
 day, eggspressing his symptoms, und 
 he set : "Doctor, vas Velch rabbits un- 
 healthy?" 
 
 "I couldn't say," set der doctor; "I 
 vas nefer called in to attend vun." 
 
 Vun day a man came up to Gust und 
 set : "Say, doan'd you vant to buy vun 
 of dose attachments dey put on a piano 
 to make it go?" 
 
 "Nein," set Gust; "der Sheriff put 
 vun on our piano two days ago, und it's 
 gone !" 
 
 185
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOE> 
 
 A tramp rushed up to Gust vun daj 
 vile he vas in der bureau und tried to 
 vork him for der price of a ticket. 
 
 "I vas trying to get home to my poor 
 olt mother," set der tramp. "She ain't 
 seen my face for ten years." 
 
 "I guess dot vas der truth," set Gust ; 
 "vy doan'd you vash it vunce?" 
 
 Gust vas buying a horse von day 
 from a horse dealer in New Rochelle. 
 
 "Is der horse sure-footed?" inkvired 
 Gust. 
 
 "Dot horse sure-footed!" set der 
 dealer; "veil, I should say so! Vy, he 
 kicked my vife's mother three times in 
 der same spot." 
 
 Gust has a dog. It is a dachshund. 
 
 Gust calls him a bird dog because he 
 valks pigeon-toed. 
 
 Sometimes I dink Gust's dog must 
 be a spaniel, because he likes to chump 
 in der vater und soak. 
 
 I dink Gust's vatch must be a spaniel 
 also. It is in soak most of der time. 
 
 Gust's dog vunce saved a house from 
 burning. Der dog found a box of 
 matches on der floor und svallowed dem 
 before dey dit any damage. 
 
 Der dog has been light-headed efer 
 since. 
 
 186
 
 'MINNIE, UAF YOU CRACKED DOSE NUTS FOB DINNER?" 
 
 Page 185.
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Gust's dog is very smart. He vante'd 
 to learn to be a vatch dog, so he ate der 
 alarm clock. 
 
 I hope dese vill cheerful you, Looey. 
 
 But if dey doan'd tease your laugh- 
 ability, remember, Looey, dot Gust is 
 der manufacturer. 
 
 Your father vas only der retailer und 
 should be kept blameless. 
 
 Your mother und me ve remem- 
 branced dot last Tuestay vas your 
 birt'day, Looey, und ve vas mit you in 
 der spirits. 
 
 Your Uncle Rudolph dropped in und 
 he vas also mit you in der spirits 
 mostly viskey und lemons. 
 
 If you get all der healt' dot your 
 Uncle Rudolph drunk to you, Looey, 
 den you vill make olt Metoozelum's 
 record look like der vork of a dyspepti- 
 cated piker. 
 
 Efery time dare vas a recess in der 
 conwersationing your Uncle Rudolph 
 vould fill der flowing bowl und after 
 vishing you der complimentaries of der 
 season he vould supmerge himself in 
 der grocery store red-eye vich your 
 mother keeps for cooking. 
 
 Und ven der shades of efening fell 
 ofer der scenes, und your Uncle Ru- 
 
 187
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 dolph started to zigzaggle homevard, 
 he vispered py your mother: "Kata- 
 rina, if any mistake has been made 
 abouid der date of Looey's birt'day send 
 me qvick vord urid I am here again mit 
 louder vishes for his healt' und a longec 
 first!" 
 
 Den he rolled off der front steps und 
 half-vay ofer der lawn mitouid spilling 
 nuddings. 
 
 Py Chove, Looey! und you vas now 
 tventy-four years of old! 
 
 Chee viz ! how Time has got flies on 
 it! 
 
 It seems like it vas only yesterday 
 dot you vas yust a leedle baby, und here 
 is it you vas now ouid earning your own 
 lifing und alvays a goot son to your olt 
 father und mother. 
 
 Ve ain't got any presents to gif you, 
 Looey, mit der eggsception dot your 
 mother has bought you abouid eight 
 dollars' vorth of neckties, vich vill send 
 a shiver of eggscitement through your 
 system from pit to dome ven you see 
 der colors. 
 
 I vas sending you yust a copy of der 
 leedle werses dot I made for you ven 
 you vas only vun year old. 
 
 188
 
 DINKELSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Mebbe it is dot you vould like to read 
 dem again, because as I set it den I say 
 it now, Looey, und I hope it is dot 
 some day you vill say der same idea to 
 your own leedle vun-year-older. 
 
 Dese is der leedle verses, Looey, und 
 I haf made dem ofer in my own hand- 
 writings like dis, yet: 
 
 I VUNDER VY. 
 Ven I come home py night times, yet, 
 
 Und sit down py a chair, 
 Und small, vee, leedle hants dey make 
 
 Some pullings mit my hair; 
 Und ven a woice mitouid some vords 
 
 To my woice has replied, 
 I vunder vy my face it makes 
 
 A smile yust fempf feets vide? 
 
 Ven vee, small, leedle hants dey grasp 
 
 My vedder-beaden nose, 
 Und dare is kickings from a lot 
 
 Of leedle pink-vite toes : 
 Und leedle eyes dey blink at me 
 
 Und say, "Ach ! I know you !" 
 I vunder vy I get some smiles 
 
 Dot breaks my face in two? 
 
 189
 
 DINKEUSPIEL'S LETTERS TO LOOEY 
 
 Ven leedle eyes vas closed in sleeb, 
 
 Und his vee, chuppy hant 
 It holts my finger tight so he 
 
 Feels safe in fairylant, 
 I vunder vy from ouid my eyes 
 
 I brush avay der tears, 
 Und ask der goot Lord, "If You please, 
 
 Be kind through all der years?" 
 
 THE END. 
 
 190
 
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