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BULLS AND BLUNDERS 
 
 EDITED BY 
 
 MARSHALL BROWN 
 
 H 
 
 "My dear boy^'' wrote an Irishman to his son, "never put off till 
 to-morrow what you have done to-day.'''' 
 
 '"''Don't go elsewhere to get robbed — step right in here." — STORE SIGN. 
 
 o * s > e 
 
 "> > * -) 
 
 SECOND EDITION 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
 S. C. GRIGGS AND COMPANY 
 
 1894 
 
GIFT OF 
 
 Copyright, 1893 
 By S. C. GRIGGS AND COMPANY 
 
 c c c c c 
 
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 *' t t t 
 
 Jlte ILakcsitif Prrsg 
 
 R. R. DONNELLEY & SONS CO., CHICAGO 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 The object of this volume is to amuse and to instruct. 
 Blundering arises from stupidity, and the stupid are 
 found the world over ; but the hull, a peculiarity that 
 belongs almost exclusively to Ireland, is always con- 
 nected with thought, and originates in the imagina- 
 tive power of its people. It is not at all a dull 
 absurdity which no one can comprehend ; it is always 
 comprehensible, even when it is most confused. It 
 proceeds, not from the want, but the superabundance of 
 ideas, which crowd one another so fast in an Irishman's 
 brain that they get jammed together, so to speak, in the 
 door-way of his speech, and can only tumble out in their 
 ordinary disorder. For example, in the opinion of an 
 Irish philosopher, ''The only way to prevent what 
 is past is to put a stop to it before it happens." 
 
 The instructive mission of the volume is to illustrate 
 the rule that ''A sentence must be lucid in order 
 and logical in sequence." "A great commander," says 
 Dr. Hodgson, "must know how to pick his recruits, to 
 drill them, and to handle them when drilled; but he 
 must still have something more, generalship; and what 
 generalship is in a commander, that clearness of 
 thought and expression is in a writer. A sentence, in 
 
 M92323 
 
2 ,Ji^4-L& Alkjy BLUNDERS. 
 
 ; -A ii^yati^»45'sp'aiteb o£ tlie -last century from the west 
 coast of' Africa ^pissvksv of fi native vessel which was 
 *' entirely manned by women." It was a Scotchman 
 who described a very square and thick-set man as being 
 "just as broad as he was narrow." It was a Scotch- 
 man who, at a public meeting, gravely propounded a 
 scheme for increasing the British revenue by "laying 
 the dog tax on cats." It was an Englishman who said 
 of Napoleon that "he might have been a better man if 
 he had not been quite so bad;" and it was also an 
 Englishman who declared that "the best way to walk 
 down the Thames to London was to go in a boat." 
 
 The French school teacher who, in a fit of rage, 
 threatened to send all his pupils to the foot of the 
 class, was fully equalled by the English school boy, 
 who, after correctly stating that the customary mode 
 of saluting an ancient Persian king was to exclaim, 
 " O, king, live forever!" added, on his own author- 
 ity, "and ijnmediately the king lived forever.'^'' But 
 even these "prize bulls" are completely eclipsed by 
 others which have come within the range of my own 
 personal experience. I have seen in an English provin- 
 cial newspaper the announcement that "the cabman who 
 was killed last Thursday is now dead." I once heard a 
 man speak of having watched a haunted house till mid- 
 night, "expecting every moment the appearance of an 
 invisible spirit;" and another man remarked, alluding to 
 his sufferings while wedged in a crowd at the door of a 
 concert hall, that "he would rather walk fifty miles 
 than stand five.'''' — Harper's Drawer. 
 
 Chemistry — A chemist inquires, "Will the gentle- 
 man who left his stomach for analysis please call and 
 get it, together with the result ? " 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 3 
 
 Danger — The best way to avoid danger is to meet 
 
 it plump. SIR BOYLE ROCHE. 
 
 On Fire — *' Hurry up, Mrs. Milligan ! Your house 
 is on fire and a-burning up." "I know better, you 
 rascal ! You can't fool me. The door is locked and Oi 
 have the kay in me pocket." 
 
 Under Oath — Attorney to witness: "Do you 
 solemnly swear that you never saw a sheep under oath .^" 
 Witness : " Yes, sir, I never saw one under oath^ 
 
 Ambiguity — A quality deemed essentially neces- 
 sary to the clear understanding of diplomatic writings, 
 acts of parliament, and law proceedings. — Tin Trumpet. 
 
 Regrets — We regret to find that the announce- 
 ment of the death of Mr. W. is a malicious fabrication. 
 — Belfast Paper. 
 
 A Difficult Prescription — Doctor: "Well, Den- 
 nis, did you take the pills I sent you ? " 
 
 Dennis: "Indade, docthor, an' I did not; ye wrote 
 on the box < one pill three times a day,' and I've bin 
 waitin' till I see you to ask you how a man was to take 
 a little bit of a pill loike that three times in wan day!" 
 — Harperh Weekly. 
 
 Legal Clearness — "My good woman," said the 
 learned judge, "you must give an answer in the fewest 
 possible words of which you are capable, to the plain 
 and simple question whether, when you were crossing 
 the street with the baby on your arm, and the omnibus 
 was coming down on the right side and the cab on the left 
 
4: BULW AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 and the broughamf was trying to pass the omnibus, you 
 saw the plaintiff between the brougham and the cab, or 
 whether, and when youosaw him at all, and whether or 
 not near the brougham, cab, and omnibus, or either, or 
 any two, and which of them respectively, or how it 
 was?" 
 
 A farmer near Bristol, Pa. , has gathered twenty-six 
 pippins from an apple tree weighing twenty-six and one- 
 half pounds. — JVeio England Paper. ("From an 
 apple tree" sht)uld follow "gathered.") 
 
 Suicide — An Irishman recently spoke of a man who 
 had tried in every way, but couldrCt commit suicide to 
 save his life. 
 
 Drinking and Working — "When I drink much I 
 can't work, and so I let it alone." "The drinking?" 
 "No, the working." — Fliegende Blaetter. 
 
 Look — There is one store in town where the propri- 
 etor charges ninety-seven cents to look, or at least that 
 impression is conveyed by a sign in the window, which 
 reads, "Look, 97 cents." — Rutland Herald. 
 
 O'Brien's Death ^ — Mrs. Murphy : "An' sure, Mrs. 
 O'Brien, did your poor man die aisy ? " Mrs. O'Brien : 
 "Indade not, Mrs. Murphy, it nearly kilt poor Pat to 
 die." 
 
 A Temperance Meeting — A reporter in describing 
 a teetotal meeting said that "they had a most harmoni- 
 ous and profitable session, and retired full of the best 
 spirits." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS^ 6 
 
 Some English Bulls — A correspondent of the Lo7i- 
 don Spectator reprints the following literary *' bulls,, 
 culled from English newspapers : 
 
 To investigate the question would lead us too 
 deeply into the dry and troubled waters of moral phil- 
 osophy. 
 
 Several chimneys fell, burying the inmates in the 
 ruins. 
 
 A row of cottages fell, but fortunately the inmates 
 were all out. 
 
 Hard on Willie — "Willie, I am going to 
 Heaven," she wrote, <'and you will never see me 
 again." 
 
 A Coroner's Jury — Upon a man whose body was 
 found in a river, a coroner's j ury in Ireland returned the 
 verdict that the individual came to his death by a blow 
 on the head, ''which was given either before or after 
 drowning." 
 
 Compensation was given to the families of those 
 who suffered in that explosion hy loorkmenh societies.- — 
 English paper. (Italics should follow "given.") 
 
 Metaphysics — A Scotch blacksmith's definition of 
 metaphysics is, "When the pairty wha listens disna 
 ken what the jjairty wha speaks meens, and when the 
 pairty wha speaks disna ken what he meens himsel, that 
 is metaphysics." 
 
 A Gushing Editor — A gushing but ungrammatical 
 editor says, "We have received a basket of fine grapes 
 from our friend, Mr. Tompkins, for which he will please 
 
6 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 accept our compliments, some of which are nearly two 
 inches in diameter." 
 
 Sir Richard Steele — It was Sir Richard Steele 
 who said, when inviting an- English nobleman to visit 
 him, " If you ever come within a mile of my house, I 
 hope you will stop there." 
 
 Unfortunate Family — Bridget : " Father, I have 
 lost my jjlace ; I am accused of stealing from the wash." 
 
 O'Toole: * 'Well, I'll be hanged." 
 
 Bridget : *'Is that so? We're a poor, unfortunate 
 family." — Harper^ s JBazar. 
 
 What He Died of — During the j^revalence of the 
 cholera in Ireland, a soldier, hurry iif§ irito'the mess-room, 
 told his commanding officer that his brother had been 
 carried off two days before by a fatal malady, expressing 
 his apprehensions that the whole regiment would be ex- 
 posed to a similar danger in the course of the following 
 week. *'Good heavens !" ejaculated the officer, ''what 
 then did he die of?" " Why, your honor, he died of 
 a Tuesday." 
 
 A Question of Time — Barber: "Do you shave 
 yourself all the time f " 
 
 Customer: "No; I stop occasionally for meals." 
 
 Bridget McN's Situation — A lady lately come 
 from Ireland desires a position as a cook, housemaid, 
 waitress, or general servant in a respectable family. 
 Any mistress desirous of securing her services must ap- 
 ply in person between three and four o'clock to-morrow, 
 when the lady will be at home and disengaged. A good 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. ^ 7 
 
 discharge from last servant indispensable, as she is very 
 particular about her Mrs.' character. Address B. M'N 
 etc. — iVi Y. Paper. 
 
 Inconsistencies and Ambiguities — It seems, in 
 a considerable measure, owing to the great tendency of 
 our language to idiomatic expressions, that our English 
 is so much infested with anomalies. Under this head a 
 late number of a new magazine has an entertaining 
 article on the inconsistencies and ambiguities of the 
 English language, from which we take the following 
 extracts : 
 
 <^Show me a fire," said a traveler to the landlord, 
 "for I am very wet ; and bring me a mug of ale, for I 
 am very dry." 
 
 " You walk very slow," said a man to a consump- 
 tive. "Yes," he replied, "but I am going very fast." 
 
 Breaking both wings of an army is almost certain to 
 make it fly ; a general may win the day in a battle 
 fought at night ; a lawyer may convey a house, and yet 
 be unable to lift a hundred pounds ; a room may be full 
 of married meu, and not have a single man in it; a trav- 
 eler who is detained an hour or two may recover most of 
 the time by making a minute of it ; a man killed in a 
 duel has at least one second to live after he is dead; a 
 fire goes out, and does not leave the room ; a lady may 
 wear a suit out the first day she gets it, and put it away 
 at night in as good condition as ever ; a schoolmaster 
 with no scholar may yet have a pupil in his eye ; the 
 bluntest man in business is generally the sharpest one ; 
 Ananias, it is said, told a lie, and yet he was borne out 
 by the by-standers ; caterpillars turn over a new leaf 
 without much moral improvement ; oxen can only eat corn 
 with the mouth, yet you may give it to them in the 
 
8 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 ear ; food bolted down is not the most likely to remain 
 on the stomach ; soft water is often caught when it rains 
 hard ; high words between men are frequently low 
 words ; steamboat officers are very pleasant company, 
 and yet we are always glad to have them give us a wide 
 berth ; a nervous man is trembling, faint, weak, while 
 a nervous style and a man of nerve is strong, firm, and 
 vigorous. — MACBETH, Might and Mirth of Literature. 
 
 I could see that the floor had been swept with half an 
 eye. (Italics should follow " see.") 
 
 We have done our best to put this question plainly, 
 and we think that, if the Westminster Reviewer will 
 read over what we have written twice or thrice vnth pa- 
 tience and attention, some glimpse of our meaning will 
 break in even on his mind. — macaulay. Miscellaneous 
 Writings. (Italics should follow "over.") 
 
 Average — "How many visitors do you have a day, 
 on an average? " asked a lady of the custodian at a pub- 
 lic resort. "Ain't no average," he replied; "some 
 days there's more and some less." 
 
 Value of Small Words — " If a man followed the 
 directions of a street-car company," said Jones, "he 
 would never enter one of its cars. Once in, paradoxi- 
 cally, he would never leave it. Just read that sign; it 
 says, * Passengers are forbidden to enter or leave this 
 car while in motion.' Now, how in the name of Lind- 
 ley Murray can a passenger do otherwise than get in mo- 
 tion, while leaving or entering a street-car? The sign is 
 one uf the grossest illustrations of barbarous syntax I 
 have seen in many a mile traveled. The pronoun 'it' is 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 9 
 
 wanting. It should read, * Passengers are forbidden to 
 enter or leave this car while it is in motion.' ' It ' and 
 < is ' are two short words, and it would cost but little to 
 paint them in. As it is, the sign is not grammatical." 
 
 Hissed from the Hustings — An Irish nobleman of 
 talents and literature was hissed from the hustings at a 
 Middlesex election, because in his speech he happened to 
 say, *' We have laid the root to the axe of the tree of 
 liberty," instead of " We have laid the axe to the root 
 of the tree." 
 
 Stupidity — A stupid boy was sent to see if the 
 butcher had pig's feet. Upon his return be said he 
 couldn't see; the butcher had his shoes on. 
 
 Highland Waiter — to tourist inquiring about the 
 next boat: " Weel, I canna jist say whit time it wull 
 be, but if ye'U leave five meenits before ye see the boat 
 coming roon the p'int, ye'U jist be in time ta catch it." 
 
 Tourist: *'A11 right, Donald; but I'm a bit short- 
 sighted; so if you will tell me ten minutes before you 
 see it yourself, I will give you a shilling." 
 
 Nobody could expect the church to resign that 
 spiritual independence which it holds essential to relig- 
 ion, and which till now was never doubted, loithout a 
 struggle. — henry cockburn (Italics should follow 
 ** resign.") 
 
 Simultaneous — ''You say you heard both shots 
 fired?" asked a Texas lawyer, who was cross-examining 
 a witness in a murder case. ' ' Yes, sah ; I heard bof e 
 shots. Dey was fired simultaneously, sah." "Are you 
 
10 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 sure of it? " *' Yes, sab; bofe ob 'em was fired simul- 
 taneously. I wasn't more dan forty feet off atde time." 
 "But on tbe direct examination you swore the shots 
 were fired one after another, and now you say they were 
 fired simultaneously." '* So day was, sah ; one after 
 an udder, simultaneous like." 
 
 Mediocrity — One of the Hamilton pupils, a young 
 negro, wrote to request the editor of a local paper to 
 publish an account of an address he had made, and began 
 his letter as follows : *' Knowing your mediocrity to be 
 of the most distinguished calibre, I respectfully solicit," 
 etc. 
 
 No one who wishes to see the trend of public opin- 
 ion at a glance can afford to be without the paper. 
 (Italics should follow " see.") 
 
 Parisian Inscription — To the everlasting memory 
 of Marie Ferry. 
 
 The railing around this grave is the handiwork of 
 her bereaved husband, Pierre Ferry, blacksmith, who 
 will execute all orders of a similar nature with cheapness 
 and dispatch. — Chambers'' Journal. 
 
 Epitaph — Erected to the memory of John Phil- 
 lijis, accidentally shot as a mark of affection by his 
 brother. — Ulster Churchyard. 
 
 Humor in the School — School examinations and 
 composition writing produce funny results the world 
 over. An Austrian teacher, Herr Gruser, has recently 
 published, in Vienna, a book called ' ' Humor in the 
 School," which is made up of instances of blunders col- 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 11 
 
 lected in the Austrian schools. The mind of the Aus- 
 trian public school pupil, judging from the instances 
 contained in this book, is of a peculiarly limpid and art- 
 less character. In an examination in history a pupil 
 was asked, 
 
 ** How many Coalition wars can you name? " 
 
 *<Four," he answered. 
 
 *<Name them." 
 
 <' The first, the second, the third, and the fourth." 
 
 A student of natural history, treating of the hiberna- 
 tion of animals, said that ''the marmot sleeps so soundly 
 in the winter that he does not even awaken if he is struck 
 dead." 
 
 Charging THE Jury — A newly-elected colored jus- 
 tice in South Carolina was hearing his first case. When 
 the jury arose and began moving toward the adjoining 
 room for consultation, one of the lawyers interposed and 
 said, " May it please your honor, you have not charged 
 the jury." 
 
 Whereupon the justice gathered up himself, and with 
 all possible dignity said, 
 
 " Gen'men of dis jury, as dis is de fust time I have 
 had you befo' me, I cha'ge each one of you one dollah 
 and a half." 
 
 Questionable Encouragement — He, exhibiting 
 sketch: " It's the best thing I ever did." She, sympa- 
 thetically : " Oh, well, you mustn't let that discourage 
 you." 
 
 Ears to Ear — A Bible, published by the Oxford 
 Press in 1810, has this curious verse, "Who hath ears 
 to ear, let him hear." 
 
12 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 The author of an essay on the <'Uses of Animals" 
 asserted that "the horse is serviceable to man by his 
 swiftness. How many brave soldiers owe their lives to 
 the swiftness with which their horses have carried them 
 away from battle-fields ! " 
 
 Mixed Oratory — *'I repeat it," continued Mr. 
 Gubbins, **Mr. Chairman, sir, I repeat it ! What the 
 country wants is fewer men ! (renewed applause) and I 
 will add, more of them." (Loud and prolonged cheer- 
 
 Leads the World — Gentleman : ' * Where is your 
 master, Patrick ? He was to have met me here at nine 
 o'clock, and it is now half an hour after that." P: '* You 
 don't know him, sir." G: '< Why, is he apt to be late 
 in his appointments?" P: "Late, is it? Bedad, in 
 bein' hehoind hand he lades the worruld." 
 
 HiBERNiANiSMS — Amoug bulls of recent origin is one 
 of an Irish gardener, who, being in no sense in love 
 with his labors, forcibly observed that "Av Oi wasn't 
 paid for doin' this worruk, Oi wudn't do it av ye paid 
 me." 
 
 The ambition to desert the fields in which he had for 
 a long time labored led the same individual to seek pre- 
 ferment in the post-office, the position he had in view 
 being that of a carrier. 
 
 " But, Mike," said his employer, for whose influence 
 he had applied, "you cannot read." 
 
 "Thrue, sorr," replied the gardener; "but Oi 
 thought that phwat wid the letthers an' posthals corain' 
 an' goin', Oi'd not be long alearnin'." 
 
 A number of patriotic sons of Erin were seated 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 13 
 
 around a table one night discussing a little of every- 
 thing, when one of them began a lamentation over a 
 light-weight silver dollar he had in his pocket. 
 
 *'Th' hid an' th' tail's worn down that foine ye 
 wouldn't know th' hid from th' tail, if it wasn't that th' 
 bid's always on th' other soide." 
 
 Dunce — A school teacher spent a long time in mak- 
 ing one of his boys understand a very simple matter, and 
 then, to relieve his mind, said, "If it wasn't for me 
 you would be the biggest dunce in town." 
 
 Broken Metaphors — The Term Reports, when 
 they use the very language of Lord Kenyon, often con- 
 tain a series of broken metaphors.. For example, "If 
 an individual can break down any of those safe guards 
 which the Constitution has so wisely and so cautiously 
 erected, hy x>oi8oning the minds of the jury at a time 
 when they are called upon to decide, he will stab the ad- 
 ministration of justice in its most vital parts." — heard. 
 Oddities of the Laio. 
 
 The Board of Education has resolved to erect a 
 building large enough to accommodate five hundred 
 students three stories high. — Wisconsin Paper. 
 
 Fearfully and Wonderfully Made — Jones, the 
 other day, while looking at the skeleton of a donkey, 
 made a very natural quotation. "Ah," said he, "we 
 are fearfully and wonderfully made." 
 
 By no Means the Same — A great deal depends 
 upon the way in whioh some words are used. A Ger- 
 man who applied to a New York business house for 
 
14 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 employment, recommended himself thus: <'The capac- 
 ity in which I like best to earn my living, and the one in 
 which I am most able, is that of a confidence man." He 
 meant "confidential man," and his mistake was rather 
 alarming to those to whom he wrote. 
 
 A Funeral Sermon — A clergyman, preaching a 
 funeral sermon while the corpse lay before him, ex- 
 claimed, "Here, brethren, we have before us a living 
 witness and a standing monument of the frailty of human 
 hopes ! " 
 
 Very Sick — "Well, Misther McPhelim, how'd ye 
 schlape last night?" "Ah, bhad, Denny, bhad ! Un- 
 conscious a good dale of the toime." — Harper'' s Bazar. 
 
 The Fallacy of Accent — The fallacy of accent 
 consists in any ambiguity arising from a misplaced ac- 
 cent or emphasis thrown upon some word of a sentence. 
 A ludicrous instance is liable to occur in reading Chap- 
 ter XIII . of the First Book of Kings, verse 27, where it 
 is said of the prophet, "And he spoke to his sons, saying. 
 Saddle me the ass, and they saddled him." — jevons, 
 Logic. 
 
 One of the Finest — Some of the errors made by 
 witnesses are very amusing. A policeman said, in speak- 
 ing of his use of the mace, "I am willing to be contra- 
 dicted, your Honor, but not altogether; the law must be 
 dedicated; give him justice tampered with mercy." 
 
 "Nearly four hundred people committed suicide this 
 year on account of the v^eather.^'' (And it did not im- 
 prove the weather a particle.) — Burlington Hawheye. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 15 
 
 Badly Put — "It's very kind of you, old fellow, to 
 come down to see me off." "Not at all, Bolus, I'm 
 only too glad to do it." — The Epoch. 
 
 Mr. Carlyle has taught us that silence is golden in 
 thirty volumes. — Fortnightly Heview. (Italics should 
 follow "us.") 
 
 Typographical — Sometimes mistakes have been 
 made by the officiousness of the printer or proof-reader 
 in endeavoring to correct what seemed to him mistakes 
 in the copy. In a quotation of Gay's well-known allu- 
 sion to Martha and Theresa Blount as "the fair-haired 
 Martha and Theresa brown," the printer thought proper 
 to supply brown with a capital B. Again in Pope's note 
 on "Measure for Measure," which states that the story 
 was taken from Cinthio, Dec. 8, Nov. 5 ( eighth decade 
 and fifth novel), the wise typo filled out these abbrevia- 
 tions so that they read December 8, November 5. 
 
 The mere running together of two sentences into one 
 paragraph may also be productive of unintentional amuse- 
 ment. A French newspaper had a good specimen of this 
 kind of mixture, "Dr. X. has been appointed head 
 physician to the Hospital de la Charite; orders have 
 been issued by the authorities for the immediate exten- 
 sion of the Oimetiere de Parnasse." 
 
 The machine printer, or "blacksmith," as he is 
 technically called, is a familiar figure in every printing 
 oftice. It is he who makes a hurried guess at the copy 
 before him without caring whether it makes sense or 
 not; who substitutes 'comic' for 'cosmic ;' 'human' for 
 'known;' 'plant' for 'planet;' 'I am better' for 'Gam- 
 betta;' 'no cows, no cream' for 'no cross, no crown;' 
 and ' shaving the queen ' for ' shoving the queer.' This 
 
16 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 is the sort of printer who made a distinguished traveler 
 die *' in the richness of sin " instead of " the interior of 
 Asia," and who described a Chicago exquisite as one 
 ^' whose manners would alarm a drowning man," when 
 what the writer really said was that " they would adorn 
 a drawing-room." — Monthly Illustrated American. 
 
 Water Rates — An Irishman, pressed by the col- 
 lector of a water company for payment of the water rate, 
 replied, "Sure, I pay tin shillings a year for water, 
 and many's the day it's off for a whole wake." 
 
 Prohibition — The prohibitionist who wished to 
 say that " drunkenness is folly" must have been seriously 
 disconcerted when the printer made him announce that 
 "drunkenness is jolly," and we know that an editor who 
 wished to compliment a soldier as "a battle-scarred vet- 
 eran " was so deeply grieved when he found the types 
 had made him speak of " a battle-scared veteran" that 
 the next day he inserted an apology and an erratum 
 which read, "the bottle-scarred veteran. 
 
 ?? 
 
 A Preventive Policy — Mrs. McGinty : " Did yez 
 say yer Denny's loife is not insured ? " Mrs. O'Raf- 
 ferty : "Nawindade." Mrs. McGinty : " Bedad, an' 
 him a workin' on th' rocks wid th' blasths an' things. 
 Shure, Moike has his loife insured, or bedad, many's the 
 toime he'd been kilt long ago." 
 
 A Foolish Question — Emj^loyer : ' ' Well, Patrick, 
 which is the bigger fool, you or I?" "Faith, I 
 couldn't say, sorr ; but it's not meself." 
 
 In the English House of Commons : A w^itness had 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 17 
 
 been ordered to withdraw from the bar of the House, in 
 consequence of being intoxicated by the motion of an 
 honorable member. (Read, *'In consequence of being 
 intoxicated, the witness, by the motion of an honorable 
 member, had," etc.) 
 
 Punctuation — Mind your stops is a good rule in 
 writing as well as in riding. So in public speaking, it 
 is a great thing to know when to stop and where to stop. 
 The third edition of a treatise on English punctuation 
 has been recently published, with all needful rules for 
 writers, but none for speakers. The author furnishes 
 the following example of the unintelligible, produced by 
 the want of pauses in the right places. 
 "Every lady in this land 
 Hath twenty nails upon each hand; 
 Five and twenty on hands and feet. 
 And this is true, without deceit." 
 If the present points be removed and others inserted 
 the true meaning of the passage will at once appear. 
 *' Every lady in this land 
 Hath twenty nails; upon each hand 
 Five; and twenty upon hands and feet. 
 And this is true without deceit." 
 
 — Harper's Drawer. 
 
 Mending — "Well, Mistress Robin, 'ow 'ave'ye 
 been busying yerself ? " " Oh, Murry, man ; I've been 
 mendin' the whole day." "No, ye 'aven't ; for, don't 
 ye see, if the day was whole it wouldn't need mendin'." 
 
 At Sea — A lady, whose husband was about making 
 a sea voyage, wrote a note to her minister to read on the 
 Sabbath, in which she meant to say, "A member of 
 
18 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 this congregation, going to sea, his wife desires prayers 
 for his safety." Instead of reading it thus, it was read 
 as follows: "A member of this congregation, going to 
 see his wife, desires prayers for his safety." 
 
 We have two schoolrooms sufficiently large to ac- 
 commodate three hundred pupils one above another. — 
 Western Paper. (Italics should follow *' schoolrooms.") 
 
 Too Much Noise — An Irish officer had the mis- 
 fortune to be dreadfully wounded in battle. As he lay 
 on the ground, an unfortunate soldier who was near 
 him, and who was also severely wounded, made a terrible 
 howling, when the officer exclaimed, '' Confound you ! 
 what do you make such a noise for ? Do you think 
 there is nobody killed but yourself ? " 
 
 A Remarkable Prayer — A Presbyterian minister, 
 in the reign of King William III.-, performing public 
 worship in the Tron Church of Edinburgh, used this re- 
 markable expression in his prayer, "Lord have mercy 
 upon all fools and idiots, and particularly upon the 
 Town Council of Edinburgh." 
 
 Humor of the Court Room — At the general term 
 in the fourth department of New York, Mr. Benedict, 
 in arguing the Weismiller case, referred to the great 
 mass of testimony contained in the printed case, and 
 said, "There are a great many very important ques- 
 tions of fact in this case. It would be impossible to 
 make your Honors understand them all ; and for that 
 reason, also, we ask that the non-suit be set aside, and 
 that the case be submitted to the judgment of twelve 
 intelligent men." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 19 
 
 Similar to this was the statement made by Mr. Max- 
 son, in submitting to the jury the case of Tucker 
 against Ely, in the Monroe County Court, before the 
 late Judge Morgan. He said, "The plaintiff and the 
 defendant are both lawyers ; all the witnesses who have 
 been sworn in the case are lawyers; the counsel, of course, 
 are lawyers ; in fact, every one in any way connected with 
 the case is a respectable member of the bar of this 
 county, with the single exception of His Honor on 
 the bench." 
 
 Before Judge Danforth's elevation to the bench, he 
 was at one time trying an important case before the late 
 Judge Johnson, at Rochester. After a very lengthy 
 cross-examination of an old lady, he was interrupted by 
 the judge with the remark, " I think you have ex- 
 hausted this witness, Mr. Danforth." ''Yes, judge," 
 she exclaimed, "I do feel very much exhausted." — The 
 Stenographer, 
 
 Typography — The prospectus of an edition of the 
 Waverley Novels reads, "The aim of the publishers has 
 been to make it pre-eminent, by beauty of topography 
 and illustration." 
 
 Transposition — It was simply a mental transposi- 
 tion of syllables that made the actor exclaim, 
 
 "My Lord, stand back and let the parson cough" 
 instead of, "My Lord, stand back and let the coffin 
 pass." — WHEATLEY, Literary Bhmders. 
 
 Sign-Boards — Sign-boards sometimes make strange 
 appeals to us. In New Orleans, some years ago, was 
 one which announced, "A Poor Shoe-maker," without 
 any point after the name ' ' Poor. " — Pastime Papers. 
 
20 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Bulletins — The bulletins of Pope Clement XI Vs 
 last illness, which were announced at the Vatican, cul- 
 minated in a very fair bull. The notices commenced 
 with " His Holiness is very ill," and ended with " His, 
 Infallibility is delirious." 
 
 A Prize Winner — An illiterate farmer, wishing to 
 enter some animals at an agricultural exhibition, wrote 
 to the secretary as follows: <'Also enter me for the 
 best jackass ; I am sure of taking the premium." 
 
 A child was run over by a heavy wagon, four years 
 old, wearing a short pink dress, and bronze boots, whose 
 parents are not yet found Mews Item. 
 
 Fish Pond Sign — Owner of fish pond to one who 
 is trespassing; "Don't you see that sign, 'No Fishing 
 Here ?'" Angler, with an injured air: "Yes, andl dis- 
 pute it. Why, there's good fishing here; look at this 
 string full. The man must have been mad who put 
 that board up." 
 
 Sharing the Burden — An Irishman, with a heavy 
 bundle on his shoulders, riding on the front of a horse- 
 car, was asked why he did not set his bundle down on 
 the platform. He replied, "Be jabers, the horses have 
 enough to drag me ; I'll carry the bundle." 
 
 Inflated and Stilted Expression — This style re- 
 minds one of a short man on tiptoe trying to measure 
 up to a taller one. It was Beranger who compared pre- 
 tentious words and phrases to a big, bedizened drum- 
 major, and simple expressions to the little gray-coated 
 Napoleon at Austerlitz. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 21 
 
 Willing to Take Anything — Biddy was bad with 
 colic and sure she was going to die. Various remedies were 
 suggested to her. " Indade," said she, '<! would take 
 anything to make me well, if I knew it would kill me." 
 
 A Dining Invitation — Mrs. Robison, widow of 
 the eminent professor of natural philosophy, having 
 invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, the 
 invitation was accepted, with the reservation, '<if I am 
 spared." ''Weel, weel," said Mrs. R., "if ye'redead 
 I'll no expect ye." 
 
 The Leather Tax — In 1794, when the leather tax 
 was being debated in the House, Mr. Vandeclure said, 
 "The tax on leather will be severely felt by the bare- 
 footed peasantry of Ireland." To which Sir Boyle Roche 
 replied that "this can be very easily remedied by mak- 
 ing the under leather of wood." 
 
 An Irishman's Will — I, Timothy Delona, of Bar- 
 rydownderry, in the county of Clare, farmer, being sick 
 and wake in my legs, but of sound head and warm heart, 
 do make the first and last will the ould and new testa- 
 ment : first I direct my body to be buried in the ground 
 at Barrydownderry Chapel, where all my kith an' kin 
 that have gone before me, an ' those that live after, be- 
 longing to me, are buried, pace to their ashes, and may 
 the sod rest lightly over their bones. Bury me near 
 my godfather, Felix O'Flaherty, betwixt and between 
 him and my father and mother, who lie separate alto- 
 gether, at the other side of the chapel yard. I lave the 
 bit of ground containing ten acres — rale old Irish acres 
 — to me eldest son, Tim, after the death of his mother, 
 if she survives him. Teddy, my second boy that was 
 
22 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 killed in the war of Amerikay, might have got his pick 
 of the poultry, but as he is gone, I'll lave them to his 
 wife who died a wake before him. 
 
 Let us die, and rush into the heart of the fight. 
 — Virgil. 
 
 Who begged that she might have out the four shil- 
 lings she had paid in bacon. — james greenwood, Ufi- 
 sentimental Journeys. (Italics should follow "have 
 out.") 
 
 Full of it — "The temperance men mean business 
 in clearing out the whiskey. They're ' full of it,' " cried 
 an excited temperance orator. 
 
 Carriage Lanterns — A policeman stopped an Irish 
 hack driver with "Look here, now! Don't you know 
 there's an order requiring every carriage to have a 
 lantern at night? " 
 
 "An' sure, sir," replied the driver, " what nade have 
 I for a lantern at all? Can't ye see for yerself, sir, that 
 me horse is blind? " 
 
 A Mile-Post — Two Irishmen traveling on the Balti- 
 more and Ohio Railroad track, came to a mile-post, when 
 one of them exclaimed, "Tread aisy, Pat; here lies a 
 man one hundred and eight years old — his name was 
 Miles from Baltimore." 
 
 Kean's Acting — Sir C. Morgan asked Tom Gannon 
 what he thought of Kean's acting. "I like his dying 
 scenes best," replied Tom ; "he acts the c?6«f?man to the 
 very Z^/*6." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 23 
 
 Startling Information — An advertisement contains 
 the following startling information: 
 
 <'If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a 
 red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with 
 whalebone ribs and an ivory handle to the slate-roofed 
 grocer's store, he will hear something to his advantage, 
 as the same is the gift of a deceased mother, now no 
 more, with the name engraved upon it." 
 
 Chiropody — A chiropodist announces on his cards 
 that he has ''removed corns from several of the crowned 
 heads of Europe." 
 
 A Slow Cook — The Toronto Qlohe tells of a man 
 who has cooked his own breakfast for fifteen years. 
 He must like it very well done. — Detroit Free Press. 
 
 Governor Beaver publicly assured me that the money 
 would be refunded on the depot platform at Johnstown, 
 (Italics should follow "me.") 
 
 Misery — An Irish editor, in speaking of the mise- 
 ries of Ireland, says, "Her cup of miseries has been 
 for ages overflowing, and is not yet full." 
 
 A Life Preserver — An Irishman, meeting another, 
 asked what had become of their old acquaintance, Pat 
 Murphy. 
 
 "Arrah, now, dear honey," answered the other, 
 "poor Paddy wa« condemned to be hanged, but he saved 
 his life by dying in prison." 
 
 Divorce Proceedings — A colored man went into 
 Mr. E.'s office for the purpose of instituting a divorce 
 
24 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 suit against his wife. Mr. E. proceeded to question 
 him as to his grounds for complaint. Noticing that the 
 man's voice failed him, Mr. E. looked up from his papers 
 and saw that big tears were running down over the 
 cheeks of the applicant for divorce. 
 
 *' Why, " said the lawyer, *' you seem to care a great 
 deal for your wife. Did you love her ? " 
 
 "Love her, sir? I jest analyzed her!" 
 
 Hospitality — "Come and dine with me this even- 
 ing." "I can't." "Why not?" "I am going to see 
 Hamlet." "Bring him with you." — Journal Illustre. 
 
 Upon a similar principle to that applied to persons 
 taking under wills — . (Should be, " Upon a principle 
 similar — .) 
 
 Only — The negroes are to appear at church only in 
 boots. ( This means, says Prof. Swinton, that when the 
 negroes go to church they are to have no clothing but 
 boots. 
 
 The negroes are to appear only at church in boots. 
 This might mean that they are not to appear anywhere 
 but at church, whether in boots or out of them. The 
 proper arrangement would be to connect "in boots" 
 with its verb "appear," and' make "only" qualify 
 "at church," and no more. Thus, The negroes are to 
 appear in boots only at church.) 
 
 Efficacy of Prayer — If the following paragraph 
 from London Day hy Day is to be taken as a criterion, 
 the London Daily Telegraph has adopted peculiar views 
 on the efficacy of prayer. "Earl Sydney's illness be- 
 came very acute on Sunday. Prayers were offered on 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 25 
 
 his behalf at the churches and places of worship at Sid- 
 cup, Foot's Cray, and Chiselhurst. Lord Sydney, how- 
 ever^ on Wednesday, appeared much improved." The 
 *' however" is good. 
 
 Fish Hawkers — Sir Boyle Roche is said to have re- 
 marked of the fish hawkers on one occasion, that "They 
 go down to Kingsend, buy the herrings for half nothing, 
 and sell them for twice as much." 
 
 Very German — Sign on a Broadway store: "Took 
 Notais — Mebbe you don't better loaf roundt here ven 
 you don't got some peasnis." 
 
 Found, a pocket book on Market street near the 
 drug store with a silver clasp on it. (Italics should 
 follow "Found.") 
 
 Accurate Testimony — In a breach-of-promise case 
 the other day, the lady on the stand said that when a 
 friend suggested she would make him a good wife, he 
 answered, "Hem!" " Did he really say 'Hem?'" in- 
 quires the counsel for the defence. ' He did," she 
 averred, "or something of that kind." This reminds 
 one of the accurate witness who swore that some one 
 had called over the banisters, " Tom, Tom," or words to 
 that effect. 
 
 It was clearly inevitable that a man who regarded 
 human love as the very center and starting point of all 
 the good influences of life .... should look 
 upon teaching thus understood with absolute detestation. 
 — LESLIE STEPHEN, Ilours in a Library. (Italics should 
 follow "look.") 
 
26 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Woman — In a report of a Delmonico dinner this 
 toast was said to have been given, "Woman — without 
 her man, is a brute." (The comma following "man" 
 should follow " her ") 
 
 A Green Motion — At a vestry meeting, when re- 
 pairs to the vestry-room were under consideration, a 
 member rose to make a motion. "Mr. President, I 
 move that we whitewash the ceilin ' green in honor of 
 the ould flag. " 
 
 Driving — Husband, reading the sporting news: 
 "Ah, I see that Nelson drove himself." Wife ; "Why, 
 how ca7i a horse drive himself." "No, no ; I mean that 
 Mr. Nelson drove himself." "What! Drove his own 
 self ? And there wasn't any horse driven at all ? How — " 
 " Thunder and blazes! I say that Mr. Nelson drove the 
 horse Nelson — can't you understand anything? " "Oh !" 
 And the wife smiled contentedly, as woman does when 
 she succeeds in provoking her worse-tempered half into 
 a fury. 
 
 The intellectual qualities of the youth were superior 
 to tliose of his raiment. — Memoir of John Lay den. 
 That is, superior to the intellectual qualities of his rai- 
 ment ! The writer meant, probably, that the qualities 
 of the youth's intellect were superior to those of his 
 raiment. — john s. hart, ll. d. 
 
 , Neglecting the Antecedent — Some very whimsi- 
 cal instances of this occur continually, especially in the 
 answers of witnesses when given literally as they speak. 
 In a late assault case the prosecutor swore that "the 
 prisoner struck him with a broom on his head till he 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 27 
 
 broke the top of it ! " In narrating an incident some time 
 since, it was stated that a poor old woman was run over 
 by a cart aged sixty. So in a case of supposed poison- 
 ing, "He had something in a blue pajjer in his hand, 
 and I saw him put his head over the pot, and put it in!" 
 Another, swallowing a base coin, "He snatched the 
 half-crown from the boy, which he swallowed ; " which 
 seems to mean the boy, not the money. — N'ew York 
 Christrnas Bell. 
 
 An Important Question — Mrs. Gazzam : * ' Dear 
 mother isn't herself to-day, George." 
 
 Gazzam: " Indeed ! Who is she ? " — Judge. 
 
 Mixed Receipts — " This mince pie is delicious," said 
 Cadley to Mrs. Noorich. "Have you the receipt for 
 this?" 
 
 " Sir ! " said the lady indignantly. " Receipt ? No, 
 sir ; I have not, because I have not yet received the 
 bill." 
 
 How He Kept the Score — Pat was keeping score 
 for a bowling party in the White Mountains. 
 
 "How do I stand now, Pat?" asked one of the 
 bowlers. 
 
 "Sure an' yer behind, sorr." 
 
 " How much ?" 
 
 "How many? Let me see; there's thirteen and 
 two. Ye've gotter make twinty-wan t' ketch up, an' 
 thin ye'Ube foor ahead." 
 
 Irish Politeness — "Pat, how's your wife ?" 
 Pat: "Dead, I thank yer honor. How's your 
 own ? " 
 
28 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Verbal Difference Merely — Committee of one 
 from the Bosom Friends takes counsel upon some com- 
 plication in the brotherhood, the conduct of one of the 
 officers being in question. '* You mean that he had no 
 right ; in short, iisurjyed the office ? " " Yes, jedge, he 
 used u]y de office, but the trouble ar' mo ' dat he done 
 use up de fun's." 
 
 Extracts from an Account of a Shipwreck — The 
 captain swam ashore. So did the captain's wife; she 
 was insured for a large sum and loaded with pig-iron. 
 
 Move On — A German policeman, with orders from 
 the mayor to make corner loafers "move on," comes 
 up to a crowd, shakes his mace, and says, 
 
 " Do youse fellows lif here? " 
 
 "No." 
 
 ''Yell, you petter move here." 
 
 A Bit of Correspondence — A remarkable corre- 
 spondence has been published, ending in a true Irish fash- 
 ion. It begins, "Mr. Thompson presents his compli- 
 ments to Mr. Simpson, and begs to request that he will 
 keep his doggs from trespassing on his grounds." 
 
 "Mr. Simpson presents his compliments to Mr. 
 Thompson, and begs to suggest that in future he should 
 not spell ' dogs ' with two gees." 
 
 "Mr. Thompson's respects to Mr. Simpson, and will 
 feel obliged if he will add the letter ' e ' to the last word 
 in the note just received, so as to represent Mr. Simpson 
 and lady." 
 
 " Mr. Simpson returns Mr. Thompson's note un- 
 opened, the impertinence it contains being only equaled 
 by its vulgarity." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 29 
 
 When I hear a person use a queer expression, or 
 pronounce a name in reading differently from his neigh- 
 bors, it always goes down in my estimate of him, with 
 a ruinous sign before it. — alfobd. (Italics should 
 follow "or.") 
 
 So Glad — Prof. Chatterleigh; "By George! I'm 
 so hungry I can't talk." 
 
 Fair hostess, on hospitable thoughts intent : " O, 
 I'm so glad ! " 
 
 Mixed Tenderness — Edwin, who is fond of lectur- 
 ing his future bride: 
 
 "Well, good-by, Angy. I don't know how it is, but 
 I always seem to leave you in tears." 
 
 Angelina, tenderly, through her sobs : 
 
 "I — I — I'd sooner you should leave me in tears, 
 love, than never leave me at allP 
 
 A Lucid Text — An old negro preacher divided his 
 sermon into two parts, " First, all de things in the text; 
 and, second, all de things not in the text; and, bredren, 
 we'll wrastle wid de second part fust." 
 
 Soap Advertisement — Our soap is the best. Try 
 it and be convinced for thirty days. (Italics should 
 follow "it.") 
 
 A Dark Comparison — Old Uncle Pompey Camden 
 met a lady and her daughter. He had known them many 
 years. Addressing the daughter, he said, " 'Deed, 
 miss, you'se lookin' mighty peart, you is, and growed a 
 big 'oman, too, since I fust knowed ye. An' dar's yo' 
 mudder, too. Lawd ! Lawd ! 'stonishing how smart 
 
30 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 she looks. I ain't gwine ter say 'at you look s'old 's yo' 
 mudder, but I clar it am a sartin fack yo' mudder looks 
 's young as you.'''* 
 
 At Both Ends — A big Irishman, who had evidently 
 been drinking, arose in a street car and gave the bell 
 strap a sharp pull. The conductor exclaimed angrily, 
 ''Here, don't do that. You're ringing the bell at both 
 ends of the car." 
 
 "That's all right. Bedad, (hie), an' I want both 
 inds of the car to shtop." 
 
 A Mixed Peroration — It was a New York lawyer 
 in whose peroration this occurred : "I hope, gentle- 
 men of the jury, that you may have mercy upon this un- 
 happy man, who has never yet strayed from the path of 
 rectitude, and only asks your assistance to enable him to 
 return to it." 
 
 Removing the State Capital — One of the most 
 amusing scenes in the Pennsylvania Legislature occurred 
 on a motion to remove the state capital from Harrisburg 
 to Philadelphia. A matter of fact member from the 
 rural districts, who had heard of the great facility with 
 which brick houses are moved from one part of a city 
 to another, and who had not the least objection to the 
 removal, rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I have no 
 objection to the motion, but I don't see how on airth 
 you are going to git it over the river." 
 
 The following lines were written by one who, for 
 more than ten years had been confined in the peniten- 
 tiary for his own amusement* (Italics should follow 
 "written.") 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDEKS. 31 
 
 A Return Ticket — ^^Begorra, but I've got the best 
 of that murthering railway this time, anyhow ! " said a 
 Hibernian, who had a grudge against the company in 
 question. <«How is that, Dennis?" asked a bystander. 
 '' I've bought a return ticket, and faith I'm not coming 
 back at all, at all .' " was the triumphant reply. 
 
 Summary — A reverend doctor, in addressing a school, 
 said that he would give the pupils a summary of what 
 they had been studying. The teacher asked him to ex- 
 plain the word summary to the children ; whereupon he 
 said, *'I will explain to you, my dear children, what 
 is meant by summary • it is an abbreviated syiiopsis of 
 anything. " 
 
 A Droll Description — The following specimen of 
 legal acumen is copied from the records of the Recorder 
 of Clarke County, Washington Territory. In a convey- 
 ance joi land is embodied a bill of sale of some live- 
 stock, and the description of the two kinds of property 
 is rather droll : 
 
 "Also that certain lot of land on the Columbia bot- 
 tom, bounded by land owned by Alexander and others. 
 Also a white bull and twelve hogs icest of the meridian 
 liney 
 
 He was about to assist a beggar with a sum of money 
 in distress. (Italics should follow ''assist.") 
 
 Ireland's Freedom — Marshall P. Wilder, upon his 
 arrival in Dublin, was met by an Irish cabman, who 
 said, "You're with us?" Wilder replied that if he 
 meant because he was an American that he favored 
 home rule in Ireland, he was right ; he was with him. 
 
62 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Then Pat became confidential and sa^id, "Do yez know 
 we have the boys all armed in our neighborhood, and I 
 tell you, we can, anytime we want to, free Ireland." 
 "Well, why don't you do so," said Wilder; to which 
 Pat replied, " Sure, the police won't let us." 
 
 Stretched Truth — Angry customer, of a day or 
 two before : "I thought you told me this watch would 
 keep time ! " 
 
 Mr. Feldstein : "Yell, it don'd gif it avay, does 
 it, mein f rent ? " — Judge. 
 
 Nuisance — At the conclusion of a nuisance case the 
 judge, after a tedious charge, said to the jury, "I hope 
 you understand the various points I have submitted to 
 you." 
 
 "Oh, yes," said the foreman, "we are all agreed 
 that we never knew before what a nuisance was, until 
 we heard your honor's summing up." 
 
 Cruel of Him — "My income is small," said a 
 rather dilatory lover, "and perhaps it is cruel of me to 
 take you from your father's roof." " J3ut I don't live 
 on the roof," was the prompt response. 
 
 Earnest Prayer — A well-known minister was sent 
 South from New Jersey, a few years ago, to labor among 
 the colored people. They received him with many de- 
 monstrations of joy, and at the first meeting which he 
 held, one old colored preacher prayed for him with great 
 earnestness: "O Lord! bress dis yer dear brudder 
 what's come down from de Norf to preach the gospil to 
 us. ' Noint him wid de kerosene ile ob salvashin, and 
 set him on fire I " 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 33 
 
 Distinction without Difference — Lord and Mas- 
 ter, small-sized, but resolute : *' You are wrong, madam ; 
 quite wrong." 
 
 His Slave : "But I say I am not wrong." 
 
 Lord and Master: "But I have proved you are 
 wrong." 
 
 His Slave: "I beg your pardon, I am not wrong. 
 I may be mistaken, but I am not wrong." 
 
 Lies — An Irish editor congratulates himself that 
 " half the lies told about him are not true." 
 
 By greatness I not only mean the bulk of any single 
 object, but the largeness of the whole view. (Italics 
 should follow " mean.") 
 
 The Logic of Wit — The logic of wit is the most de- 
 structive logic that is employed against error. It anni- 
 hilates sham, and dashes down towering structures of 
 sophistical reason at a blow. A Scotch advocate, limp- 
 ing down High Street in Edinburgh, overheard a lady 
 
 say to her companion, "That is Mr. C , the lame 
 
 lawyer." Turning round, he replied, "No, madam, I 
 am a lame man, but not a lame lawyer." 
 
 You See — Professor of Chemistry explaining why 
 an experiment has failed: "As you see, gentlemen, at 
 present you see nothing; why you see nothing, you will 
 see directly." 
 
 A Difficult Feat — Many years ago at a little 
 school house in the mountains of Western Pennsylvania, 
 an Irish schoolmaster kept his boys grinding steadily at 
 their tasks, giving them permission to nibble from their 
 
34 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 lunch baskets as they studied. One day, while instruct- 
 ing a class in the rule of three, he noticed that one of his 
 pupils was paying more attention to a piece of pie than 
 to the lesson. " Arrah, there," said the master, " Jack 
 Bales, be listenin' to the lisson, will ye?" <'I'm listen- 
 ing, sir," said the boy. "Listenin', is it?" exclaimed 
 the master; "then it's listenin' wid one ear ye are, 
 an' atin' poi wid the other." 
 
 In THE Squad — Drill Sergeant: "Now then, Cas- 
 sidy, what is th ' fi-r-st movement in ' bout face ? ' " 
 
 Recruit : " Whin the command is given yez advance 
 the roight fut three inches ter the rear.'''' — Quips. 
 
 Nowhere — A lady meeting a girl lately in her ser- 
 vice, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?" 
 "Please, ma'am, I don't live )iowhere now," replied the 
 girl ; " Z am married. " 
 
 Humor of the Commons — Sir John Lubbock, M.P., 
 in a recent address described some amusing incidents of 
 the House of Commons. A member from the other side 
 of the Tweed, alluding to the vote of £2,000,000 in sup- 
 port of the Afghan war, described it as "a flea bite in 
 the ocean." Another, while advocating an increase in 
 the European troops employed in India, remarked, 
 "You may depend upon it, sir, the pale face of the 
 British soldier is the backbone of the Indian army." 
 Mr. Sullivan once delivered a speech on the relative 
 merits of Irish and Scotch whiskey. He was complain- 
 ing that Scotch whiskey was introduced into Ireland and 
 passed off as "genuine Irish." "The stuff," he said, 
 "is so hot that it goes down the throat like a torchlight 
 procession." — Manchester Times. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 35 
 
 Obituary Notices — " In her life she was a pattern 
 worthy to be followed ;- and her death — oh, how con- 
 soling to her friends." This recalls the announcement 
 in the obituary column of a Western j)aper, *' A num- 
 ber of deaths unavoidably postponed." 
 
 A Ludicrous Blunder — One Sunday, during high 
 mass at twelve, in the chapel of the little village of Glen- 
 gariff, three ladies of the Protestant faith were obliged 
 to take shelter from one of those heavy summer showers 
 which so frequently occur in the south of Ireland. The 
 officiating priest, knowing who they were, and wishing 
 to appear respectful to them, stooped down to his attend- 
 ant, or clerk, who was on his knees, and whispered to 
 him, '< Three chairs for the Protestant ladies." 
 
 The clerk being an ignorant man, mistook the words, 
 stood up, and shouted to the congregation, "Three 
 cheers for the Protestant ladies ! " which the congrega- 
 tion immediately took up, and gave three hearty cheers, 
 while the clergyman actually stood dumbfounded. 
 
 Privileged — Raff: "I look upon you, sir, as a 
 rascal." 
 
 Partee : "You are privileged to look upon me in 
 any character you desire to assume, sir." — Texas Sift- 
 
 He turned to her father as he spoke with the instinct 
 of good breeding. — mrs. oliphant, ^Vie Brownloios. 
 (Italics should follow "turned.") 
 
 The boys cracked many a joke around the stoves 
 in homespun suits and coiohide boots. — Olden Times. 
 (Italics should follow "boys.") 
 
36 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 The Proverbial Showman — A showman in the 
 East has on exhibition "the real skull of the poet Burns 
 when he was a boy," and a stuffed crocodile upon which 
 a placard reads, ''This hexentric animal, ladies and 
 gentlemen, in'abits a desert island seventy-five miles re- 
 moved from either land or water." 
 
 Expenses — A stationer's traveler, having had a run 
 of bad luck in prosecuting business, received from the 
 "boss" the following telegram: " If you can't make 
 expenses, come home at once." The reply was, "All 
 right. Can make plenty of expenses, but no sales." 
 
 Attention — "Ye pays no more attention to me," 
 said an Irishman to his children, " than if I was a dumb 
 baste talking to yez." 
 
 His remains were committed to that bourne whence 
 no traveler returns attended by his friends. (Italics 
 should follow "remains.") 
 
 The Rival Shoemakers — Two rival shoemakers, 
 who lived directly opposite to each other in one of the 
 streets near the west end of London, and whose opposi- 
 tion was not in situation alone, but in every matter con- 
 nected with business, carried on for a long time a war of 
 advertisements and placards, till at'last one of them, to 
 signify the purity of his style of doing business, got his 
 door-way adorned with the classic sentence, '■'• Mens con- 
 scia recti.'''' This the other conceived to be an advertise- 
 ment of something in the line of business ; and, as he 
 was a lady's shoemaker also, he got his door ornamented 
 with the following improved reading of the apothegm, 
 ^^ Melt's and Women^s conscia recti.'''' 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 37 
 
 The Grammar of Science — Sir : The memorial 
 in compliance with which Sir John Herschel was interred 
 in the Abbey states that the memorialists — and they are 
 eminent men — "are of opinion that his memory ought 
 to be honored by interment in Westminster Abbey." 
 Sir, I protest on behalf of every admirer of Sir John 
 Herschel against the burial of his memory instead of 
 his body; and I hereby demand, on behalf of the public, 
 that the former be disinterred as soon as possible. I 
 am, sir, your obedient servant, X. — Times. 
 
 A Dublin Doctor — A Dublin doctor sent in his bill 
 to a lady as follows : <'To curing your husband till he 
 died." 
 
 Two OF A Kind — Almost every one has heard the 
 story of that newly enriched English tradesman who, 
 having received the honor of knighthood, went to the 
 Prince of Wales' tailor to have himself measured for a 
 '^coat of arms ," and this hero has had a worthy rival 
 in the shoddy millionaire who made a voyage to Europe 
 on purpose to have his portrait painted by one of the old 
 masters. 
 
 A Grand Sight — " It's thrue," said Paddy to Den- 
 nis one day, " it wor a grand soight. But whoile ye're 
 standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all about it." 
 
 A Welsh Verdict — "My lord," said the foreman 
 of a Welsh jury, when giving in a verdict, "we find the 
 man that stole the mare not guilty." 
 
 Hypallage — A figure consisting of a transference 
 of attributes from their proper subjects to others. Thus 
 
38 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Virgil says, dare dassihus austros, to give the winds 
 to the fleets, instead of dare classes austris, to give 
 the fleets to the winds. — Webster"^ s International Dic- 
 tionary. 
 
 The hypallage, of which Virgil is fonder than any 
 other writer, is much the gravest fault in language. — 
 
 LANDOR. 
 
 But hypallage arises generally from confusion of 
 mind, rather than from seeking literary effects, as when 
 a Carmelite friar mentioned in a sermon what a wise 
 Providence it was that so often made a river run through 
 a large town ; or as when, on its being urged as an ob- 
 jection to Homer that he made Vulcan take nine whole 
 days to fall from heaven to earth, the defender of Homer 
 replied that it was according to nature that Vulcan, be- 
 ing lame, could not fall so fast as another. A lofty 
 l^lace, too, belongs to the sagacious remark of the Low^- 
 land gardener in Scotland, who treated the potency of 
 the weather-glass with the utmost contempt : 
 
 "'Deed, sir, I never saw the glass hae muckle effec' 
 on the weather in these pairts." — macbeth, The Might 
 and Mirth of Literature. 
 
 The honorable gentleman must not expect to repeal 
 a bill which has passed with the general concurrence of 
 the House and the approbation of the people of this 
 country, loithout the tnost strenuous opposition. — Horace 
 WALPOLE. (Italics should follow "repeal.") 
 
 A Melancholy Sight — A Yorkshire clergyman, 
 preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely re- 
 marking, 
 
 "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy 
 sight it would be ! " • 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 39 
 
 Fights frequently ensue in consequence, but are gen- 
 erally put a stop to before any material damage is done, 
 hy the interference of friends. (Italics should follow 
 ^no.") 
 
 A Bad Misplacement — The compositor on a Phila- 
 delphia paper, by misplacement of a space, informed the 
 
 masses of that city that Mr. would address them 
 
 asses at National Hall. 
 
 Thunder and Lightning — "Did you ever know 
 anybody to be killed by lightning?" "Never by light- 
 ning," replied Pat, in an undertone. "It's thunder, 
 shure, as knocks 'em to pieces in the ould counthry." 
 
 A Guess at It — Mr. McFadden: "Barney, phat's 
 that they're dooin' wid the big iron gurders on Broad- 
 way?" 
 
 Mr. MaGee : "Be gob, I doon't know, Paddy, 
 but it luks to me loike they'r' makin' an elevated railroad 
 under Broadway." — Keio York Tribune. 
 
 A Stone Coffin — An Irishman, hearing of a friend 
 who had a stone coffin made for himself, exclaimed, 
 
 " Faith, that's good. Sure an' a stone coffin 'ud last 
 a man a life time." 
 
 A milliner wishes an engagement of ten years'* expe- 
 rience. (Italics should follow "milliner ") 
 
 Puzzling Posters — Advertisers on posts and fences 
 no doubt do their utmost to have their announcements 
 so clearly expressed that "he who runs may read ;" but 
 now and then the haste with which the bill-sticker does 
 
4:0 IJULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 his part of the work seriously interferes with things. 
 Here are two cases in point, given by The Examiner^ of 
 Cork, Ireland. 
 
 ** As an illustration of the ludicrous results produced 
 by bill-stickers pasting one bill over another, Mr. C. 
 Spurgeon, son of the Rev. C. H. Spurgeon, mentioned 
 in a lecture that on one occasion in London, when he 
 and another gentlemen were advertised to preach special 
 sermons, he was astonished to read the following an- 
 nouncement : '£10 Reward. Lost — Two Fat Heifers. 
 Mr. J. J. Knight and Mr. C. Spurgeon.' 
 
 Another reads as follows : ' Pigs fattened in six 
 weeks on The Englishman, edited by Dr. Kenealy. Price 
 2d. weekly, and kills fleas, beetles, insects, and all kinds 
 of vermin. Pat Perkins' Painkiller cures smoky chim- 
 neys, and notice to mothers, feed your infants on Bond's 
 marking ink, 6d. per bottle ! ' " 
 
 A Counterfeit — Dan Rice, the showman, remitted, 
 in settlement of an account, to the publisher of a paper 
 in the West, a three-dollar bill, which was returned with 
 the brief remark, " This note is counterfeit ; please 
 send another." 
 
 French and Irish — "Pat, do you understand 
 French ? " 
 
 " Yis, if its shpoke in Irish." 
 
 ToMBiGBEE River — When J. K. Paulding was Sec- 
 retary of the Navy, he wrote an agent of the Post Ofiice 
 Department in Alabama to ascertain the length of the 
 Tombigbee River. "How far does the Tombigbee 
 River run up?" To which the agent replied, "It 
 doesn't run up, it runs down." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 41 
 
 An Unfortunate Verdict — *' Sintinced for loife, 
 d'yer say ? Arrah, thin, if the judge had his eyes about 
 him, he might ha' seen that Dinnis was that dilicate 
 that he'd niver live to sarve out a loife sintince, even if 
 it was only for three years ! " 
 
 "One day it (the sparrow) did not perform certain 
 tricks which he (Yelves) had taught it to his satisfac- 
 tion. " — ELZE, Life of Byron. (Italics should follow 
 "perform." ) 
 
 A Pretty Compliment — Clara : "I understand 
 that Mr. Featherly paid me a very pretty compliment to- 
 day." 
 
 Ethel : " Yes? What was it ? ' ' 
 
 Clara: "He said that among the most beautiful 
 young ladies at the party last night was Miss Clara 
 Smith." 
 
 Ethel, with a cough: "Yes, I noticed you among 
 them." 
 
 The German of It — An honest Dutchman, on 
 being asked how often he shaved, said, " Dree times a 
 week, every day but Soontay ; den I shave every day." 
 
 Lost — A long, light-colored lady's pocket-book. 
 — Providence Paper. 
 
 From an Irish Editorial — On the death of a prom- 
 inent citizen: "He leaves a brilliant future behind 
 him." 
 
 The Act and the Word — How few there are who 
 " say what they mean and mean what they say! " "It is 
 
42 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 altogether needless to enter on any argument to sustain 
 this proposition," says the learned judge, and forthwith 
 enters on one of great length and dullness. "I deem it 
 entirely unnecessary to combat the gentleman's views," 
 says the orator, and, so saying, goes on to combat them 
 till some rude person cries, *' Sit down, please!" "It 
 goes without saying," remarks the editor, and then, for 
 fear it will not go, says it over and over again for a 
 column or two. "Tell me not in mournful numbers," 
 sings the poet, and straightway informs himself in many 
 unhilarious stanzas of the very things he did not want 
 to know. What is the necessity, the cruel necessity, for 
 unnecessary things ? 
 
 Things Better Left Unsaid — He: "What a 
 pretty fan ! " She : ' ' Yes ; I had it given to me when 
 I first came out." He : " Really ! It has worn well ! " 
 
 Jones, after having dubiously accepted an invitation 
 to dine with Smith: "And you're sure you wont be 
 disappointed if I don't turn up ?" Smith : "Oh, no, 
 I assure you, not at all." 
 
 Johnson, suddenly meeting Sir Bruin: "And so 
 you're leaving England for good, and we shall never see 
 you again ! " 
 
 Sir Bruin: "Nothing of the kind! Who says 
 so?" 
 
 Johnson: "Oh, I saw it in one of the papers. 
 But the ijapers don't always tell the truth, I'm sorry to 
 say!" 
 
 Posterity — Once, when it was stated, on a money 
 grant, that it was unjust to saddle posterity with a debt 
 incurred to benefit the present, Sir Boyle Roche rose and 
 said, "Why should we beggar ourselves to benefit 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 43 
 
 posterity ? What has posterity done for us ? " The 
 laugh which followed rather surprised him, as he was 
 unconscious of his blunder. He explained, **Sir, by 
 posterity I do not mean our ancestors, but those who 
 come immediately after them.'''' 
 
 Resemblance — "Sam and Jem," said an Irishman, 
 ** resemble each other very much, particularly Sam." 
 
 The end does not justify the means in art, (Italics 
 should begin the sentence.) 
 
 Social Slips — People of a lively conversational 
 turn find it impossible to go through life without mak- 
 ing a social slip now and then. 
 
 <'What a peculiar head !" exclaimed a bright young 
 lady to her partner at whist, alluding to a crayon hung 
 near her. " To what heathen divinity does it belong, 
 pray ? " " My wife, madam," was the crushing answer. 
 *'Is it possible ? No wonder I did not recognize it!" 
 the luckless girl stammered. " She was unfortunate in 
 her choice of an artist." " Pardon me, but the work was 
 done by my husband," said the lady in question from an 
 adjoining table ; and the poor youngling said no more. 
 
 A lady, overtaken by a heavy shower of rain, took 
 refuge in a store, where she employed the time in mak- 
 ing some purchases. "You seem very quiet to-day," 
 she said to the obliging salesman. "Yes, madam," was 
 the reply. "Just look at the weather ! What respect- 
 able lady would venture out of doors on a day like 
 this?" 
 
 Sometimes the social slip takes the form of a left- 
 handed compliment. General McClellan's feelings must 
 have been sadly mixed at hearing himself saluted with, 
 
44 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 *< General, I have long desired to meet you. I have al- 
 ways believed that you managed the army as well as you 
 knew how." 
 
 " I don't like big women," said a heedless gentleman 
 to the young lady at his side at dinner. The lady bit 
 her lip, and the gentleman suddenly remembered that 
 she was unusually tall. Wishing to repair his mistake, 
 he added hastily, '' I mean when they are young." 
 
 "I generally see you in church on the day I preach," 
 said an itinerant clergyman to one of his humble hear- 
 ers. *'Yes, sir," was the response.; *' there's never 
 any crowd on that day, and I always get a good 
 seat." 
 
 The restriction to one part of a process .... 
 sometimes whets the desire for a change into fierceness. — 
 Holiday Papers. (Italics should follow '* whets.") 
 
 Net-Work — Dr. Johnson's lucid definition of net- 
 work: "Anything reticulated or decussated at equal dis- 
 tances, with interstices between the intersections." 
 
 Verdict of a Welsh Jury— Not guilty ; but we 
 recommend him not to do it again. 
 
 Comma — "On this shelf you will put books and 
 pamphlets published in the present year." As the sen- 
 tence stands " published in the present year" applies 
 both to books and to pamphlets — books published in the 
 present year, and pamphlets published in the present 
 year. If there were a comma before " and " the mean- 
 ing would be, "On this shelf you will put books of 
 any date, and pamphlets of the present year." — allar- 
 DYCE, Stops. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 45 
 
 A Portugal Bull — There are bulls in Portugal as 
 well as in Ireland. The Mayor of Estremadura, offering 
 a reward for the recovery of the remains of a drowned 
 man, enumerated among the recognizable marks that the 
 lamented had a " marked impediment in his speech." 
 
 Very Destitute — A writer in the Dublin Utiiver- 
 sity Magazine, speaking of the poor in Ireland, says, 
 <*Many thousands of them were often destitute of the 
 only food they possessed." 
 
 He merely asks leave to play a little solo, on the bag- 
 pipes, of his own composing. (Italics should follow 
 *'play.") 
 
 Baptism — Mistress ; *' Were you baptized, Keziah, 
 when you were named ? " 
 
 Maid: *'Law, ma'am, we don't baptize in our 
 church; we t'mmer^e." — Harvard Lampoon. 
 
 An M. D.'s Prescription — There are on record 
 some very amusing blunders of the medical fraternity. 
 It is related that during a land speculation in Chicago a 
 certain old doctor became so interested that he was some- 
 what absent-minded toward his patients. He omitted 
 the directions from a prescription, and when reminded 
 of his omission replied, "Take a quarter down; bal- 
 ance in one, two, and three years," and ran out to meet 
 an engagement with a land operator. 
 
 Infallible Medicine — I continued using it, and 
 by the time I had taken five bottles I found myself 
 completely cured, after having been brought so near the 
 gates of death by your infallible medicine. 
 
46 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Convalescent — Miss Charity Grace : " Good morn- 
 ing, Mrs. Callahan. I dropped in to let you know that 
 I heard that Phelim was convalescent. I am so " 
 
 Mrs. Callahan: " Indade, mem, an' fhoo towld 
 yez?" 
 
 Miss Charity Grace : *' Tommy Casey." 
 
 Mrs. Callahan : ^'Arrah ! now, that's anither av 
 Tommy Casey's loies, bad cess to him. Dade, mem, 
 Phelim is no sich t'ing. He's mooch better, an' is git- 
 tin' on foinely, praise be to hivin ! " — Light. 
 
 A Musical Critic — An "eminent" musical critic is 
 of opinion that a distinguished violinist's '* tone is as rich 
 and round as ever, and his command of the key-board 
 [s^c] quite as masterly ! " 
 
 The Point Well Taken — Attorney, to witness : 
 *' You drive a wagon." 
 
 Witness: "No, sir ; I drive a horse." 
 
 "All metals are not denser than water." (Italics 
 should precede "all.") 
 
 A Break at Court — When the celebrated Irish 
 beauty. Lady C — , was presented at Court, his majesty, 
 George the Second, politely hoped "that, since her ar- 
 rival in England, she had been entertained with the gay- 
 eties of London." " O, yes, please your majesty, I have 
 seen every sight in London worth seeing, except a coro- 
 nation." 
 
 A Mixed Statement — A South Jersey paper makes 
 the remarkable statement that "thin people are very 
 thick in this neighborhood," 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 47 
 
 A Learned Judge's Sentences — In sentencing a 
 prisoner convicted of stealing from his employer, Ser- 
 geant Arabin thus addressed him : ' ' Prisoner at the bar, 
 if ever there was a clearer case than this of a man rob- 
 bing his master this case is that case." Having to pass 
 judgment on a middle-aged man, who, convicted upon 
 three indictments, had- pleaded guilty to more, Arabin 
 said, ''Prisoner at the bar, you have been found guilty 
 on several indictments, and it is in my power to subject 
 you to transportation for a period very considerably be- 
 yond the term of your natural life, but the Court, in its 
 mercy, will not go so far as it lawfully might, and the 
 sentence is that you be transported for two periods of 
 seven years each." In sentencing a man to a compara- 
 tively light punishment he used these words : "Pris- 
 oner at the bar, there are mitigating circumstances in 
 this case that induce me to take a lenient view of it, and 
 I will therefore give you a chance of redeeming a char- 
 acter that you have irretrievably lost." He once said to 
 a witness, "My good man, don't go gabbling on so. 
 Hold your tongue and answer the question that is put 
 to you." — Beiich and Bar. 
 
 Wanted, a groom to take charge of .two horses of 
 a serious turn of mind. (Italics should follow 
 "groom.") 
 
 Charles Lamb — Charles Lamb, when speaking of a 
 horseback ride, remarked, "all at once his horse stopped, 
 but he kept right on." 
 
 Oratory — An orator is credited with a peroration in 
 which he spoke of "all ranks, from the Queen sitting 
 on her throne to the cottager sitting on his cottage." 
 
48 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 An Orphan — A farmer, wlio was left a widower, 
 with a son and daughter, having on one occasion to 
 speak of the latter, said, *'Sure it's an orphan she is, 
 barrin' meeself and Mike." 
 
 President Harrison urges the immediate adoption 
 of smokeless powder in his message. (Italics should 
 follow *' Harrison.") 
 
 Specimen of False Syntax — A man who was sud- 
 denly taken sick hastened home, while every means for 
 his recovery was resorted to. In spite of all his efforts 
 he died in the triumphs of the Christian religion. — 
 Printer's Register. 
 
 Sex — *'Yes, I am opposed to American girls mar- 
 ryin' furriners," said old Mrs. Sipes. *'I'm jist that 
 opposed to it that if my girls can't marry people of their 
 own sex^ they needn't marry at all, and that's all there is 
 about it ! " 
 
 They followed the advance of the courageous party, 
 step by step, through telescopes. — albert smith, Moiit 
 Blanc. (Italics should come after "followed.") 
 
 Bribery — Jim Webster was being tried for trying 
 to bribe a colored witness, Sam Johnsing, to testify 
 falsely. 
 
 "You say this defendant offered you a bribe of fifty 
 dollars to testify in his behalf," said Lawyer Gouge to 
 Johnsing. 
 
 "Yes, sah." 
 
 "Now repeat precisely what he said, using his own 
 words." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 49 
 
 <<He said he would git me fifty dollars if I 
 
 " He can't have used those words. He didn't speak 
 as a third person." 
 
 "No, sah ; he tuck good keer dat dar was no third 
 pusson present. Dar was only two, — us two. De de- 
 fendant am too smart ter hab anybody list'nin' when he 
 am talking about his own reskelity." 
 
 <'I know that well enough, but he spoke to you in 
 the first person, didn't he ?" 
 
 " I was the fust pusson myself." 
 
 " You don't understand me. When he was talking 
 to you, did he use the words, ' I will pay you fifty dol- 
 lars ? ' " 
 
 '*No, boss; he didn't say nuffin about you payin' 
 me fifty dollars. Yore name wasn't mentioned, ' ceptin ' 
 dat he tole me ef eber I got inter a scrape dat you was 
 de best lawyer in San An tone to fool the judge and jury ; 
 in fac', you was the best lawyer in de town fer coverin' 
 up any kind of reskelity." 
 
 •'You can step down." 
 
 Address — Mike : "It's like owld times to see you 
 again, Pat. Why did you niver wroite me a letther 
 since last we mit ? " 
 
 Pat : " Oi didn't know yer address, Moike." 
 Mike: " Thin why, in the name o' sinse, did ye 
 not wroite fur it ? " 
 
 A Deadly Drug — When Payne Knight committed 
 suicide, the drug he had recourse to was the strongest 
 prussic acid. " I understand," Rogers notes in his diary, 
 "he was dead before it touched his lips." The drug 
 must have realized Artemus Ward's injunction, "im- 
 mediately, if not sooner." 
 
60 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Porous Plaster Company's Advertisement — 
 Those who use our goods are very much attached to 
 them. — Rochester Budget. 
 
 I struck the animal with my knife on the head, which, 
 being made of bad steel, broke. (Italics should follow 
 ''animal.") 
 
 Notice by a London Firm — We warn everybody 
 against unscrupulous persons who infringe our title to 
 deceive the public. 
 
 Nice Way to Put It — ''That's a nice way to put 
 it," said the editor. 
 
 "What have I done now ? " asked the assistant. 
 
 " You say here that ' we are happy to announce that 
 the type-setter, who was fatally injured in this office three 
 weeks ago, has entirely recovered, and is now able to be 
 about.'" 
 
 Nicely Said — Lady, to famous animal-painter: 
 " It is a great pleasure to me to meet you. I adore 
 animals." — Harpers Bazar. 
 
 Mind Your Stops — The omission of a comma has 
 frequently given a very awkward turn to a sentence. 
 A printer, meddling with the verdict of a coroner's 
 jury, struck out a comma after the word "apoplexy," 
 making it read thus : 
 
 " Deceased came to his death by excessive drinking, 
 producing apoplexy in the minds of the jury." 
 
 Very Polite — Miss Constance: "I am so glad 
 you think I have improved in my playing of that noc- 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 51 
 
 turne, Mr. O'Donnell. I hope to be perfect in it next 
 time we meet." 
 
 Mr. O'Donnell, gallantly: "Ah, Miss Constance, 
 I hope, sure, we shall meet before that." 
 
 To rent, a house containing ten rooms, located in a 
 pleasant village which has a fine bay window in front. 
 
 An Actor's Blunder — An absurd blunder is re- 
 lated in Tom Moore's "Diary" about Kemble. When 
 performing at a country theatre, he was frequently inter- 
 rupted by a squalling child in the gallery. Finally, 
 angered by this rival performance, he walked with solemn 
 steps to the front of the stage, and addressing the audi- 
 ence in his most tragic tones, said, "Ladies and gentle- 
 men, unless the play is stopped, the child cannot possibly 
 go on." 
 
 A New Medicine — A man advertises for a compe- 
 tent person to undertake the sale of a new medicine, and 
 adds that it will prove highly lucrative to the undertaker. 
 
 Irish Evidence — A witness giving his testimony in 
 the Boston Municipal Court, convulsed the bar, tickled 
 the jury, and raised a smile on the Bench, by the follow- 
 ing statement : " Ye see, may't plaze yees, that this man 
 got a stroke and fell down. Everybody called out, ' Oh, 
 he's kilt ; he's kilt ! ' Then I steps up, and I hollied out 
 to the crowd. If the man is kilt, why don't yees stand 
 back, and give him a little air ! " 
 
 The prisoner was sentenced to four months' impris- 
 onment m the House of Commons, (Italics should fol- 
 low "sentenced.") 
 
62 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Slightly Embarrassed — The following was over- 
 heard between a Columbian student and his best girl : 
 <'0h, Will, what lovely flowers. They look as if they 
 had just been gathered. Why, there is a little dew 
 upon them." 
 
 Will, slightly embarrassed: "Not a cent, I assure 
 you ; not a cent." — Mail and Express. 
 
 A Pennsylvania Bull — Mr. W , an attorney, 
 
 many years ago lived in a " backwoods " county of 
 Pennsylvania. He was a genuine Irishman, and as 
 good-hearted a soul as ever landed from the " ould sod." 
 He was possessed of very little learning, and always 
 went about business in a way peculiarly his own. Fear- 
 ing that judgment would be entered against a client upon 
 a judgment bond obtained by fraud, he prepared a mo- 
 tion and an affidavit of the facts supporting it, and hur- 
 rying into court said, 
 
 "May it plaze yer Honors, I jest want to move the 
 co-r-r-rt to strike off a judgment that hasn't been entered 
 at all, at all." 
 
 The Judge said to him very pleasantly, "I think 
 
 you are a little too premature, Mr. W . Hadn't 
 
 you better wait till the judgment is entered ?" 
 
 "And may it plaze the co-r-r-rt," said W , "I'm 
 
 jest fearin' they'll never enter it, and that's why I want 
 it struck off." 
 
 Tombstone Literature — In a sequestered Califor- 
 nian burial-ground, far from the haunts of men, a stone 
 was recently discovered, bearing the simple explanation : 
 "To Samuel Constable. 
 After life's scarlet fever, he sleeps well." — Cham- 
 ber's Jour7iaL 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 63 
 
 Irish Advertisements — An Irish agricultural jour- 
 nal advertises a new washing-machine under the heading, 
 "Every man his own washerwoman," and in its culin- 
 ary department says "that potatoes should always be 
 boiled in cold water." 
 
 Complimentary — Miss Teehee, fishing for a compli- 
 ment : "Do you think I am very old ? " 
 
 Mr. Blundering, anxious to please: "No, indeed! 
 You are not half so old as you look." 
 
 I rise in consequence of the notice I gave to the 
 House, to make a motion of as serious importance as, I 
 believe, ever came under your consideration, to the inter- 
 est and honor of the nation. — gen. burgoyne. (Italics 
 should follow "importance.") 
 
 In a Quandary— "Pat, if Mr. Jones comes before I 
 return, tell him that I will meet him at two o'clock." 
 "Ay, ay, sir; but what shall I tell him if he doesn't 
 come ? " 
 
 Candle-Light — A bull may be owing to a limited 
 amount of knowledge, as in the case of an old woman 
 going to the chandler's for a farthing candle, and, being 
 told it was raised to a halfpenny on account of the Rus- 
 sian war : 
 
 "Bad luck to them ! " she exclaimed ; "and do they 
 fight by candle-light ? " 
 
 Answering the Roll-call — "'Tintion!" exclaimed 
 a sergeant to his platoon; "front face, and 'tind to 
 roll-call. As many of ye as is presint will say Here ! 
 and as many of ye as is not presint w^ill say Absent ! " 
 
54 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 No one as yet had exhibited the structure of the 
 human kidneys, Vesalius having only examined them in 
 dogs. — HALLAM, Literature of Europe. 
 
 Typographical Errors — In an obituary notice of 
 Sidney Godolphin Osborne, the London Times describes 
 him as the author of the celebrated tract "No Go," when 
 what the writer meant was the tract No. 90. But no 
 similar excuse can be urged for the printer who made 
 Tennyson's famous lines read : 
 
 "Into the valley of death 
 Rode the 600." — walsh, Literary Curiosities. 
 
 Punctuation Points — There is a great virtue in 
 stops; and it is as necessary to "mind" them as to 
 mind one's head, with a stone wall in front. Fancy 
 this : "Mr. Chamberlain hurried on as fast as he 
 could on his hands, tight fitting gloves in one eye, a 
 glass in his mouth, a cigar on the top of his head, a well 
 polished hat and Mrs. Chamberlain by his side." It is 
 all a matter of a very few stops. The following was 
 certainly most unfortunate at the end of a sweetheart's 
 letter: "God preserve you from your affectionate 
 George ! " 
 
 '&" 
 
 A Good Driver — "Paddy, do you know how to 
 dfive ? " said a gentleman in front of a coachman. 
 " Sure I do ; wasn't it I upset yer honor in a ditch two 
 
 years ago ? " 
 
 Railway Accident — A Belfast paper is responsible 
 for stating that a man "was overtaken by a passenger- 
 train and killed; he was injured in a similar way about 
 three years ago." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 55 
 
 In stooping down to drink the weight of the cart 
 forced the mare's head first into the water, and before she 
 could be relieved, was drowned. — Glasgoio Herald. 
 (Apparently, says Dr. Hodgson, the weight of the cart 
 stooped down and was drowned.) 
 
 Goldsmith's Poem — Goldsmith, who was known as 
 a most fastidious writer, fell a victim to the errors of the 
 press. In a beautiful poem, in speaking of the nightin- 
 gale, he wrote, "And that low tone, more sweet than 
 all." The printer said, "And that low tone, more sweet 
 than ale." 
 
 A TowANDA Sign — A Towanda, Pa., sign reads 
 thus: "John Smith, teacher of cowtillions and other 
 dances ; gramer taut in the neetest manner ; fresh salt 
 herrin on draft ; likewise Godfreys cordjial ; rutes sas- 
 sage and other garden truck. N. B. — A bawl on frida 
 nite ; prayer meetiu chuesday ; also salme singin by 
 the quire." 
 
 Look Out — Every one knows the story of the French- 
 man who, while sitting with his face close to the open 
 window of an English railway car, heard a sudden shout 
 of "Look out !" and popping out his head accordingly, 
 received a tremendous bump on the forehead from the 
 projecting pole of a scaffolding which the train was just 
 passing; whereupon monsieur exclaimed, indignantly, 
 "Inglisman big fool! He say, 'look out!' when he 
 mean ' look in ! ' " 
 
 A Fine Echo — When Paddy heard an Englishman 
 speaking of the fine echo at the Lake of Killarney, which 
 repeats the sound forty times, he very promptly observed, 
 
66 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 ** Faith, that's nothing at all to the echo in my father's 
 garden in the county of Galway. If you say to it, 
 'How do you do, Paddy Blake ? ' it will answer, ' Pretty 
 well, thank you, sir.' " 
 
 I will merely say that .... if spared to occupy 
 such a position as he now solicits for a feio years, he 
 will not only discharge most ably the duties etc. 
 (Italics should follow "occupy.") 
 
 No Monopoly — In a certain district in the High- 
 lands, the bell-man one day made the following proclama- 
 tion : "O, yes, O, yes, and O, yes; and that's three 
 times ! You'll all pe tak' notice that there will pe no 
 Lord's day here next Sabbath, pecause the laird's wife 
 wants the kirk to dry her clothes in ! " 
 
 Tobacco — Mr. Corncob: "Now, Marier, why will 
 you keep a-talkin' agin' terbacker ? Why, there's old 
 Peter Flaxseed, mos' ninety, and has alius smoked like a 
 ham-house." 
 
 Mrs. Corncob : " Humph ! He might a bin one hun- 
 dred by this time if he hadn't." — Judge. 
 
 He was driving away from the church where he had 
 been married hi a coach and six. — mrs. gaskell, 
 Wives and Daughters. (Italics should follow "away.") 
 
 Absued Epitaph — Here lies the body of Lady 
 O'Looney, great-niece of Burke, commonly called the 
 Sublime. She was bland, passionate, and deeply relig- 
 ious ; also she painted in water-colors, and sent several 
 pictures to the exhibition. She was first cousin to Lady 
 Jones. — A\> Pawsey, Wiltshire, England. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 67 
 
 Misprints — It must, one would think, have been 
 the badness of the ' copy ' that induced the compositors 
 to turn nhe nature and theory of the Greek verb' into 
 ' the native theology of the Greek verb ; ' ' the conserva- 
 tion of energy' into *the conversation of energy ;' and 
 the ' Forest Conservancy Branch ' into the ' Forest Con- 
 servatory Branch.' Sometimes a ludicrous blunder may 
 be made by the mere closing up of two words; thus the 
 orator who spoke of the grand Mother Church, had 
 his remark turned into a joke when it was printed as 
 grandmother Church. A still worse blunder was made 
 in an obituary notice of a well-known congressman in 
 an American paper, where the reference to his ' gentle, 
 manly spirit' was turned into * gentlemanly spirit.' 
 
 The first edition of the English Scriptures printed 
 in Ireland was published at Belfast, in 1716, and is 
 notorious for an error in Isaiah. 'Sin no more' is 
 printed ' Sin on more.' In the following year was pub- 
 lished at Oxford the well-known Vinegar Bible, which 
 takes its name from a blunder in the running title of the 
 twentieth chapter of St. Luke's Gospel, where it reads 
 * The parable of the vinegar, instead of ' The parable of 
 the vineyard.' — wheatley. Literary J^kmders. 
 
 An Irish Report — This passage is from the report 
 of an Irish Benevolent Society : " Notwithstanding the 
 large amount paid for medicine and medical attendance, 
 very few deaths occurred during the year." 
 
 Typographical — The omission of the letter * n ' 
 in a hotel advertisement made the strange announcement 
 that mice pies would be furnished for the delectation of 
 guests. The substitution of ' s ' for * a ' once made 
 similar havoc with the description of the opening of a 
 
68 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 new church edifice near New York, it being stated that 
 it took place under very suspicious circumstances. — 
 Pastime Papers. 
 
 Translation — He who construed Caesar's mode of 
 passing into Gaul, summa cUligentia, on the top of 
 the diligence, must have been of an imaginative turn 
 of mind. 
 
 An Irish Hostler — An Irish hostler was sent to 
 the stable to bring forth a traveler's horse. Not know- 
 ing which of the two strange horses in the stalls belonged 
 to the traveler, and wishing to avoid the appearance of 
 ignorance in his business, he saddled both animals and 
 brought them to the door. The traveler pointed out his 
 own horse, saying, "That's my nag." 
 
 " Certainly, yer honor; 1 know that, but I didn't 
 know which one of them was the other gentleman's." 
 
 Will and Shall — A college instructor once told 
 his class that nobody but a New Englander was sure to 
 be able to distinguish proi>erly between *' shall" and 
 "will ;" and the Scotch are so famous for their weakness 
 in this direction that the story is told of a Scotch news- 
 paper man who, when applying for work in London, was 
 asked, *<Have you learned the difference between 
 'shall' and * will ' ? " replied sadly '< No, and never 
 will." 
 
 In a Liquid State — Said Jerrold's tipsy companion, 
 after long fumbling in the dark with the key, at the door 
 of his house, 
 
 *' I see how it is ; some scoundrel has stolen the key- 
 hole." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 59 
 
 The figs were in small wooden boxes which we ate. 
 (Italics should follow *'figs.") 
 
 Following Instructions — '< Remember, Bridget," 
 said Miss Clara, '' that I am out to everybody but Mr. 
 Sampson." 
 
 A little later Bridget answered a ring at the door. 
 
 "Who was it, Bridget ? " asked Miss Clara. 
 
 ** Young Misther Beaunecamp, mum." 
 
 "And did you say that I was out ? " 
 
 "Yes; I sed yez were out to iverybody but Misther 
 Sampson. " — N. Y. Sun. 
 
 Boston Criticism — Bridget, new acquisition in a 
 Boston household; "Does the mantel want to be 
 dusted, mum ? " 
 
 Mrs. Emerson: "Inanimate objects cannot want 
 anything, Bridget ; but I wish the mantel dusted." 
 
 A Paradox — A paradox is a seeming absurdity, and 
 to say that such and such a thing seems a paradox is 
 to be guilty of the tautology that it seems a seem^ing 
 absurdity. It reminds one of the Irishman's remark, 
 "My pig is not so heavy as I expected, and I never 
 thought it would be." 
 
 No doubt, if we could choose, many of us in Lon- 
 don would prefer that our visitors should carry their 
 boots in their hands and their hats on their heads, rather 
 than the reverse^ especially upon a muddy day. — Ar- 
 thur ARNOLD, Through Persia by Caravan. (What is 
 the reverse f Is it carrying their hats in their hands, 
 and their boots on their heads ? Or their hands in their 
 boots, and their heads on their hats ?) 
 
60 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 An Equivocal Compliment — An equivocal com- 
 pliment was that of the Irish youth who dropped on his 
 knees before a new sweetheart, and said, ''Darlin, I 
 love ye as well as if I'd known ye for seven years — 
 and a great deal betther." 
 
 The Hint Direct — A minister at a camp-meeting 
 said, "If the lady with the blue hat, red hair, and 
 cross eyes, don't stop talking, she will be pointed out to 
 the congregation." 
 
 Moses — Moses died on the seventh day of Adar, 
 the same day of the same month on which he was born, 
 his age being exactly one hundred and twenty years. — 
 Talmud, 
 
 An Exciting Chase — An Irishman, on hearing a 
 description of a particularly exciting chase after a pris- 
 oner, exclaimed, "Faith, I wouldn't have missed it for 
 five pounds if I'd seen it." 
 
 Prescription Label — A powder two hours after 
 eating in water. 
 
 Vehicular Aquatics — Miss Fetherwate : " Did you 
 enjoy your Florida trip ? " 
 
 Mr. Glisson : " Immensely. We took in the whole 
 St. John's River by easy stages." 
 
 Miss Fetherwate : "Aren't they running the boats 
 this year ? " — Judge. 
 
 An Official Notice — Officer, Royal Irish : "Why 
 were you late in returning to barracks last night, Pri- 
 vate Atkins ? " Private Atkins : " Train from London 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 61 
 
 was very late, sir." Officer : <'Very good ! Next time 
 the thrain's late, take care y ' come by an earlier one ! " 
 
 It is curious to observe the various substitutes for 
 paper before its invention. — disraeli. Curiosities of 
 Literature. 
 
 We are frequently surprised to find that some one 
 stole our original thought long before it occurred to us. 
 
 MRS. ARCHIBALD. 
 
 A Sad Procession — The absurdities of an over- 
 heated imagination are to be guarded against. A 
 preacher recently spoke of the sad procession attending 
 the funeral of Abel. — l. t. townsend, Art of Speech. 
 
 A Prayerful Answer — '<If the wind blows this 
 way for another hour," said the captain on board of a 
 ship in danger of being wrecked, to a passenger, who 
 was a clergyman, " ice shall all be in JTeaven.^^ 
 
 " God forbid V was the j^rayerful answer of the di- 
 vine. 
 
 A Fit Suggestion — Two men went into a hatter's 
 to buy one of them a hat. They were delighted with 
 the sample, inside the crown of which was inserted a 
 looking-glass. "What is the glass for ? " said one. The 
 other, impatient at such a display of rural ignorance, ex- 
 claimed, "What for ? Why, for yez to see how it fits." 
 
 Snoring — "Tim, do you snore when you are 
 asleep ? " said an American. 
 
 "No, never, for I lay awake one whole night on pur- 
 pose to see. " 
 
dSi BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Highly Gifted Man — A novel contains the fol- 
 lowing remarkable statement : ' 'At that moment the 
 worthy pastor appeared on the threshold of the manse. 
 His hands were thrust into the pockets of his large, loose 
 coat, while he turned over the leaves of the prayer-book 
 and wiped his spectacles." 
 
 Embrace — A local exchange says, '* The guests of 
 the Ottawa house embrace an unusually large number of 
 young ladies." 
 
 Pat's Interim — "Pat," said a gentleman who is 
 fond of using high-sounding phraseology to his man-of- 
 all-work, *'I am going to town at ten o'clock, and shall 
 weed out the cucumber-beds in the interim." " In- 
 terim," thought Pat. " That's mighty quare name for 
 a garden, any how ! " "Is Mr. Smith at home ? " asked 
 a visitor, who called shortly afterwards. "Yis, sorr ; 
 ye'U find him at work in his interim there bey ant ! " 
 
 A glance at any printed page will show that in 
 paragraphs the points which most readily catch the eye, 
 even more notably than in sentences, are the beginning 
 and the end. (Italics should follow "paragraphs.") 
 
 Lady, Calling on a Friend — "Oh, isn't it splen- 
 did ? I have made six calls, and you are the only one I've 
 found at home ! " 
 
 Hotel Announcement — In a hotel not one hundred 
 miles from the top of the Rigi the following announce- 
 ment gives satisfaction : "Misters and venerable voy- 
 agers are advertised that when the sun him rise a horn 
 will be bio wed." That announcement sufficiently pre- 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 63 
 
 pares the visitor for the following entry in the wine list: 
 "In this hotel the wines leave the traveler nothing to 
 hope for." 
 
 He Followed Instructions — Irate wife: **John 
 Hawkins, you were brought home on a shutter again last 
 night. I want you to understand that this is to be the 
 last time." 
 
 John Hawkins: "Yes, Matilda." 
 
 The next evening he made the boys promise to take 
 him home in a wheelbarrow, as his wife objected to 
 shutters. — Judge. 
 
 Of Course — "Gentlemen, is not one man as good 
 as another?" "Uv course he is," shouted an excited 
 Irish chartist, "and a great deal hetther.^'' 
 
 Foolish Extravagance — Callo has a son at college. 
 The other day he wrote him a long letter, in which he 
 took him severely to task for his foolish extravagance, 
 and wound up as follows : "Your mother encloses £ 5 
 without my knowledge." — Tid Bits. 
 
 His creed was hidden under a systematic reticence, 
 and he resisted every attempt to raise the veil with rather 
 sujjerfmous indignation. — leslie Stephen, Hours in a 
 liibrary. (Italics should follow "resisted.") 
 
 Wrong Words and Phrases — Blunderers who have 
 a happy knack of using wrong words and phrases are 
 rather pleasant to meet than otherwise. Blessed with 
 the gift of "a nice derangement of epitaphs," they keep 
 themselves and every one else in good humor. When old 
 Deacon Townley alludes to angels as angles, you forgive 
 
64 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 him for an over-long "grace." Mrs. Townley is not 
 generally an interesting woman ; yet you find her ex- 
 tremely entertaining when she bewails the deacon's am- 
 bition to be always "cock of the loharf.'''' Who has not 
 laughed at Mrs. Partington's pity for over-worked Job, 
 whom she judged to be incessantly toiling because of the 
 many signs bearing the inscription, "Job Printing." 
 But in this field Mrs. Malaprop holds, and long may she 
 continue to hold, the chief place. She must form at least 
 one exception to her lament. "Ah ! few gentlemen nowa- 
 days know how to value the ineffectual qualities in a 
 woman!" for Mrs. Malaprop's "ineffectual qualities" 
 will long be treasured. .Of the rest of the sex we dare 
 not say so much, since so many of them, like her own 
 perverse Lydia, are as "headstrong as an allegory on the 
 banks of the Nile." And what to do with them we know 
 not, except to educate them on Mrs. Malaproj^'s plan. 
 Like her we would be far from desiring one of Eve's 
 daughters "to be a progeny of learning." What has 
 she to do with "simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or 
 such inflammatory branches of learning?" Why should 
 she meddle with "mathematical, astronomical, diabolical 
 instruments ? " Instead of these useless branches she 
 should " learn a little ingenuity and artifice," together 
 with "a supercilious knowledge of accounts " and "geom- 
 etry, that she might know something of the contagious 
 countries." Certainly she should be a perfect "mistress 
 of orthodoxy, that she might not miss-spell and miss-pro- 
 nounce words so shamefully as girls usually do." And 
 you will admit with Mrs. Malaprop regarding this list of 
 subjects that "there is not a superstitious article in it." 
 
 A War Record — ' ' Pat, were you in the war ? " 
 "'Dade an' Oi' was, sorr." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 65 
 
 <<Did you fight till the last armed foe expired ? " 
 "Begorra, Oi did that same, an' a long whoile afther 
 intil the bargain." 
 
 Passengers are requested to purchase tickets before 
 entering the cars at the company'^s office. (Italics should 
 follow "tickets.") 
 
 A Modest Request — A Chatham Street establish- 
 ment requests the public "not to confound this shop 
 with that of another swindler who has established him- 
 self on the other side of the way." 
 
 Hold On ! — An Irishman got out of his carriage at 
 a railway station for refreshments, but the bell rang and 
 the train left before he had finished his repast. "Hould 
 on ! " cried Pat, as he ran like a madman after the car, 
 "hould on, ye murthen ould stame injin — ye've got a 
 passenger on board that's left behind." 
 
 Marvelous Gymnastics — It was Sir Boyle Roche 
 who recounted his marvelous performance in gymnastics 
 when, in a tumult of loyalty, he "stood prostrate at the 
 feet of his Sovereign." 
 
 Mistakes are Made by the Best of Men — Mr. 
 Jones was i;uniiing for Congress. In the course of a 
 speech describing himself as a self-made man, he said, 
 excitedly, "Why, fellow-citizens, my parents were so 
 poor that when I was eighteen years old my mother used 
 to have to tie me to the bed-post, to keep me from falling 
 into the fire, whenever she went to the spring for a pail 
 of water ! " 
 
 Of course he intended to say eighteen months. 
 
66 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 An Anonymous Writer — When the famous letters 
 to the Public Advertiser were attracting universal atten- 
 tion, Sir Boyle Roche was heard to complain bitterly of 
 the attacks "of a certain anonymous writer called 
 Junius." 
 
 Hostility — A pedagogue told one of his scholars, a 
 son of the Emerald Isle, to spell ' ' hostility. " ' ' H-o-r-s-e, 
 horse," commenced Pat. "Not horse-tility," said the 
 teacher, "but hos-tility." " Shure," replied Pat, "an' 
 didn't ye tell me the other day not to say boss ? Och, 
 it's one thing wid ye one day and another the nixt ! " 
 
 Advertisement^ — Run Away — A hired man named 
 John ; Ids nose turned ?//> five feet eight inches high, 
 and had on a pair of corduroy pants, much worn. 
 
 An Irish Usher — At a crowded concert the other 
 evening, a young lady, standing at the door of the hall, 
 was addressed by an honest Hibernian, who was in at-, 
 tendance on the occasion. " Indade, miss," said he, 
 " I should be glad to give you a sate, but the empty ones 
 are all full." 
 
 Superfluous Words — Whenever I try to write 
 well, I alvKiys find I can do it. I shall have finished by 
 the latter ^ndi of the week. Iron sinks dovm in water. He 
 combined together all the facts. My brother called on 
 me, and we both took a walk. I can do it equally as well 
 as he. We could not forbear from doing it. Before I 
 go, I must first be paid. We were compelled to return 
 back. We forced them to retreat back fully a mile. His 
 conduct was approved o/'by everybody. They conversed 
 together for a long time. The balloon rose ?//:> very rap- 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 67 
 
 idly. Give me another one. Come home as soon as 
 ever you can. Who finds him in money ? He came in 
 last of all. He has got all he can carry. What have 
 you got f No matter what I have got. I have got the 
 headache. Have you got any brothers ? No, but I have 
 got a sister. 
 
 All the words in italics are superfluous. — Alfred 
 AYREs, Verbalist. 
 
 A Flaming Advertisement — Old Dr. Cook, of 
 Albany, in a flaming advertisement, speaking of the 
 extent of his fame and his powers, says, "There is no 
 part of this country where people do not reside whom I 
 have not cured." 
 
 A Gallant Irishman — A gentleman was dining 
 with a party of Home Rulers the other night, when 
 somebody insulted the Queen. A gallant and loyal 
 Irishman was on his feet in an instant. "Sir," said he 
 to the culprit, " the duello is not now in fashion ; but if 
 you had made that remark fifty years ago, I would call 
 you out to-morrow morning." 
 
 It is curious to see how very little is said on the sub- 
 ject treated in the present essay, bg the great writers on 
 jurisprudence. — henry Rogers, Essays from Good 
 Words. (Italics should follow "said.") 
 
 Not Compulsory — Three different waiters at a 
 Southern hotel asked a little, prim, precise Harvard pro- 
 fessor at dinner, in quick succession, if h.e would have 
 soup. A little annoyed, he said to the last waiter, "Is 
 it compulsory?" "No, sah, I think it am mock 
 turtle." 
 
68 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Bad Luck — "Teddy, my boy, jist guess how many 
 cheese there are in this bag, an' faith I'll give you the 
 whole five." <'Five, to be sure." "Arrah, bad luck 
 to the man that tould ye." 
 
 Excursion Tickets — A steamboat captain, adver- 
 tising an excursion, says, "Tickets, twenty-five cents ; 
 children half-price to be had at the office." 
 
 It is almost impossible in the grovnng darkness to 
 distinguish land from water. (Italics should begin the 
 sentence.) 
 
 Begging the Question — The fallacy of begging 
 the question consists in taking for granted that which 
 has to be proved, and is of great importance, because 
 the fallacy is very difficult to detect and explain, and 
 occurs in several different ways. Sometimes it arises 
 from giving a name to a thing, and then supposing that 
 we have explained the thing. A wise man, as well as a 
 child, may reasonably ask, why can we see through a 
 glass window ? Nobody yet has been able to give a 
 reason why glass, crystal, and various solid things can 
 be seen through, while most solid bodies can not. But 
 we sometimes hear it said that we can see through glass, 
 "because it is transparent." This is clearly begging 
 the question ; to say a thing is transparent is neither 
 more nor less than to say you can see through it. The 
 French dramatist Moliere ridicules fallacies of this kind 
 very cleverly. The father of a dumb girl wants to know 
 why his daughter is dumb. "Nothing is more easy than 
 to explain it," says the physician Ignorelle ; "It comes 
 from her having lost the power of speech." "Yes, 
 yes," objects the father, "but the cause, if you please, 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 69 
 
 why she has lost the power of speech?" Ignorelle is 
 quite ready with an answer. "All our best authors will 
 tell you that it is the impeding of the action of the 
 tongue." — JEVONS, Logic. 
 
 Beer — An illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his 
 door at Harrogate, "Bear sold here!" "He spells 
 the word quite correctly," said T. H., "if he means to 
 apprise us that the article is his own Bruin.'''' 
 
 Dogs will be shot without a muzzle. — Oity Ordi- 
 nance. (Italics should follow "Dogs.") 
 
 The Member from Wicklow — One of the members 
 from Wicklow assured his audience in the Lower House 
 recently, that "As long as Ireland was silent under her 
 wrongs, England was deaf to her cries." 
 
 Absent-Mindedness — Absence of mind is one of 
 the most familiar, and often one of the most mirth-pro- 
 voking, of ludicrous things. A man on his wedding day 
 becomes so absorbed in business or study as to forget 
 the ceremony, and disappoints the bride ; the members 
 of a Highland funeral company stop midway in their 
 walk to the churchyard^ on discovering tliat in their 
 ebriety they have forgotten to take the cor])se. — wiixiam 
 
 MATTHEWS, LL.D. 
 
 Sympathetic Visitor — "Mrs. A , what do you 
 
 suppose makes you suffer so?" 
 
 Mrs. A : " I don't know, I'm sure, and I believe 
 
 nothing but a post-mortem will ever show." 
 
 " You poor thing! You are so weak you could never 
 stand that I " 
 
70 BULLS AND BLUNDP:Rg. 
 
 Sunday School — An Hibernian sclioolmasler, on 
 settling in a village near London, advertised that he 
 intended to keep a Sunday school twice a week, Tuesday 
 and Thursday. 
 
 Every composition is fairly liable to criticism, 
 both in regard to its design and to its execution, but the 
 latter must be judged with reference to the former. — 
 SIR J. T. COLERIDGE, Memoir of John Keble. (Italics 
 should follow *' regard.") 
 
 Scotch Bulls — Scotch host, beaming with smiles, 
 to her- dining guests: "Noo, my frens, there's an auld 
 sayin', < Mak' yersels at hame ; ' for I'm at hame, and I 
 wish ye were a' at hame ! " 
 
 Amiable hostess, wishing to put matters right: 
 *'Hoot, toot! Never mind my auld man. He jist says 
 what he thinks ! " 
 
 First — Pat Milligan says he never strikes a man first 
 unless he first strikes him. 
 
 A Mixed and Disorderly Address — Gentlemen, 
 the apple of discord has been thrown into our midst ; 
 and if it be not nij>ped in the hiul^ it will b.urst into a 
 conflagration which will deluge the world. 
 
 I can only deal with the complaint in a general 
 way. (Italics should follow " complaint.") 
 
 Not a Bit o' Difference — A business man of 
 James street hired a laborer to cut the grass in his yard 
 and tidy up about the premises. At noon the man 
 returned to the ofiice, saying, "I've cleaned up the 
 
BUILS AND BLUNDERS. Yl 
 
 yard and cut most of the grass, an' sure, sir, a man he 
 tould me I was in the wrong yard, but he said it would 
 not make the divil a bit o' difference, be dad." 
 
 The immediate reason which led Louis XIY. to 
 convoke the Assembly of 1682 was in order to strengthen 
 his hands in the contest he was carrying on with Pope 
 Innocent XI. — JBessult m%d his Contemporaries. (Omit 
 *' in. order.") 
 
 Amusing Advertisements — The character of a 
 people may be known by their advertisements. In a 
 certain enterprising town of Pennsylvania, for example, 
 in the "local item" department, appears the following 
 gracious hint : 
 
 "Our popular 'host,' Captain Harte, in order to 
 cater to the wants of his friends, has made arrangements 
 to supply them with ice cream every Saturday evening. 
 Those in want of this delicious bivalve will do well to 
 call." 
 
 In the same organ of public opinion appeared 
 recently an editorial notice of certain mammoth swine 
 just slaughtered by a Mr. R. The following is the 
 concluding sentence : " Those who wish to look at a fat 
 hog should see Mr. H. before going elsewhere.'''' 
 
 Punctuation — There is a legend of a Dublin 
 criminal trial wherein the prisoner's fate hung upon 
 a question of punctuation. He was accused of robbery. 
 The principal evidence against him was a confession 
 alleged to have been made by him and taken down in 
 writing by a police officer. And this was the incrimi- 
 nating passage : 
 
 " Mangan said he never robbed but twice said it was 
 
72 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Crawford." The officer explained that tne meaning he 
 attached to it was, " Mangan said he never robbed but 
 twice. Said it was Crawford." ''Nay," cried Mr. 
 O'Gorman, the prisoner's counsel, after a careful 
 examination of the document, "this is the fair and 
 obvious reading: 'Mangan said he never robbed; but 
 twice said it was Crawford.'" This explanation had 
 its effect on the jury and the man was acquitted. — 
 WALSH, Literary Curiosities. 
 
 Mixed Darkness — During a severe windstorm that 
 played havoc with the clothes-lines in Washington City, 
 a colored maid-of-all work suddenly emerging from the 
 basement of her residence cried out excitedly, " Fo' 
 de Lawd, missus, all de han'ke'chi'fs done bin stole, 
 'cept'n de socks! " 
 
 Couldn't Sleep — Many persons are familiar with 
 the story of the gallant young Irishman who declared to 
 his sweetheart that he was in such a way about her he 
 couldn't sleejy at night for dreaming of her. 
 
 SouTHEY, THE PoET — Southcy, whcu ill Dublin, ex- 
 ported a famous bull. Rickman, said the poet in a 
 letter to a friend, was in company, when a gentleman 
 looked at his watch and said, "It is to-morrow morn- 
 ing ! I must bid you good-night." 
 
 Last week I intended to Jiave tnritten him a letter. 
 (Read, Last week I intended to vjrite, etc.) 
 
 Rheumatism — Corker: "My fortune's made, old 
 boy. I've discovered a sure cure for rheumatism in tea- 
 leaves." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 73 
 
 Wentman, dubiously: •*! see. But how are you 
 going to tell when they've got the rheumatism ?" 
 ''They? Who?"* 
 "Why, the tea-leaves ! " 
 
 A Banker's Letter — A well-known banker, named 
 Rosenthal, directed his book-keeper to address a sharp 
 letter to Baron Y — , who had promised several times to 
 pay what he owed and had as often neglected to do so. 
 When the letter was written, it did not please Herr 
 Rosenthal, who was a very excitable man, and he angrily 
 penned the following : 
 
 "Dear Baron Y — : Who was it that promised to 
 pay up on the 1st of January ? You, my dear baron — 
 you are the man. Who was it that promised then to set- 
 tle on the 1st of March ? You, my dear baron. Who 
 is it, then, who has broken his word twice, and is an un- 
 mitigated scoundrel ? 
 
 Your obedient servant, 
 
 Moses Rosenthal." 
 
 Not Dead — Two Irishmen were working in a 
 quarry when one of them fell into a deep quarry hole. 
 The other, alarmed, came to the margin of the hole and 
 called out, " Arrah, Pat, are ye killed intirely? If 
 ye're dead, spake." Pat reassured him from the bottom 
 by saying, "No, Tim, I'm not d^ead, but I'm spachless." 
 
 The death was announced lately of the great states- 
 man. (Italics should follow "death.") 
 
 Wharf Landing Notice — At one of the wharves of 
 the Eastern Steamboat Company, of Maine : "This is 
 a privet warf. Compiny not responserble for axedence." 
 
74 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Scatter — Mr. D — , an odd and antique resident of 
 a Connecticut village, when driving his cows to pasture, 
 used to address them in most emphatic terms. One day 
 while the animals were in an uncommonly frolicsome 
 mood, he was overheard saying, " Yes, scatter, will ye ! 
 Blast ye ! if there warn't but one of ye ye'd scatter ! " 
 
 Absentees — O'Dowd : "But, bedad, the day's at 
 hand, O'Brien, whin there'll be no tinants in ould Ire- 
 land." 
 
 O'Brien : <<An' whin's that ? " 
 
 "Whin the landlords that's there is all abshentees, an' 
 whin the tinants is all landlords." 
 
 "Arrah, but there'll shtill be wan tinant left, 
 O'Dowd." 
 
 "An' who'll he be?" 
 
 ' <■ The Lord Lif t-tinant. " 
 
 Harmony of Tenses — Nor has it ever been seri- 
 ously undertaken, until it was commenced, within the 
 last ten years, by the London Philological Society. — - 
 Marsh. (Read, Nor was it ever seriously, etc.) 
 
 I feared that I should have missed the train before I 
 reached the depot. (Read, I feared that I should miss, 
 etc.) 
 
 Old English Rules — The rigid observance of old 
 English rules in the South Carolina courts, and a neg- 
 lect of the same on the part of Mr. Petigru, gave rise to 
 the following passage : 
 
 "Mr. Petigru," said the Judge, "you have on a 
 light coat. You can't sj)eak." 
 
 Petigru replied, "May it j)lease the bench, I con- 
 form strictly to the law, Let me illustrate. The law 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 76 
 
 says that the barrister shall wear a black gown and coat, 
 and your honor thinks that means a black coat ? " 
 
 <'Yes," said the Judge. 
 
 *'Well, the law also says the sheriff shall wear a 
 cocked hat and sword. Does your honor hold that the 
 sword must be cocked as well as the hat ? " 
 
 He was permitted to go on. 
 
 Yankees — An Irishman, describing the trading 
 powers of the genuine Yankee, said, " Bedad, if he 
 was cast away on a desolate island, he'd get up the next 
 mornin' and go round selling maps to the inhabi- 
 tants." 
 
 Longevity — *' Longevity ? I should say longevity 
 did run in the family," said Mrs. Spriggins. ''Why, 
 John was six feet two, Bill was six feet four, and George 
 had more longevity than any man I ever see. He was 
 six feet seven if he was a foot." 
 
 Full of Fleas — Mrs. De Sour, angrily : "I want 
 you to keep your dog out of my house ; it's full of 
 fleas." 
 
 Mrs. De Smart : " Fido ! Come here, sir! Don't 
 go into that house again ; it's full of fleas." — New York 
 Weekly. 
 
 Age — A primary school teacher sent home for a 
 written statement in regard to the pupil'c age, and re- 
 ceived the following : "He shall have seven ears next 
 October 11." — Presbyterian Journal. 
 
 An extensive view is presented from the fourth story 
 of the Delaware Miver, (Italics should follow *'view.") 
 
76 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 The Climate All Right — " India, my boy," said an 
 Irish officer to a friend on his arrival at Calcutta, <'is 
 the finest climate under the sun ; but a lot of young fel- 
 lows come out here and they drink and they eat and they 
 drink and they die, and then they write home to their 
 parents a pack of lies, and say it's the climate that has 
 killed them." 
 
 A Logical Fallacy — No designing person ought 
 to be trusted. Engravers are by profession designers. 
 
 They ought not to be trusted hyslop. Elements of 
 
 Logic, 
 
 Though some x)f the European rulers may be females, 
 when spoken of altogether, they may be correctly classi- 
 fied under the denomination kings.— alfoed. (Italics 
 should follow *'they may.") 
 
 Absent-Minded — A good story is related of a Ban- 
 gor lawyer, noted for his absent-mindedness. He went 
 upstairs the other day, and seeing a notice on his office 
 door, *'Back at 2 o'clock," sat down to wait for him- 
 self. 
 
 Pronouns — Ambiguity in the use of pronouns is well 
 illustrated in a story by Williams, an actor, relating his 
 experience in riding a horse of Hamblin, the manager : 
 
 * * So down I goes to the stable with Flynn, and told 
 the man to put the saddle on him." 
 
 "On the man?" 
 
 ''No." 
 
 *' Flynn?" 
 
 "No, on the horse." 
 
 "Then, I mounted him." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 77 
 
 <<The man, or Flynn ? " 
 
 "No, you stupid, the horse." 
 
 *' Riding up the street I met Hamblin ; got off, and 
 told the boy to hold his head." 
 
 " The boy's head, or Hamblin's ? " 
 
 ** No, the horse's head. Then we had a drink, 
 and—" 
 
 «' You, and the horse ? '* 
 
 <*No, me and Hamblin ;" and so the story runs on. 
 
 But we shall not weary our readers so much with 
 dry statistical details, as with summary results of in- 
 vestigations of the authenticity of which we have fully 
 satisfied ourselves, and which are quite beyond suspic- 
 ion. — Oxford and Cambridge Reviev^. (The writer, 
 says Hodgson, seems bent on wearying his readers in one 
 way, if not in another.) 
 
 Advertisement — Lost, a cameo brooch, represent- 
 ing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra road, about ten 
 o'clock on Wednesday evening. — Dublin Paper, 
 
 Luminous Finger-Posts — Almost everybody has 
 heard of the finger-post, which, after some important direc- 
 tions regarding the roads, bore the uselful postscript, " If 
 you cannot read, ask at the blacksmith's shop." But 
 this was scarcely a match in absurdity for another which 
 was of late years exhibited on an English road : "When 
 this post is under water, the bridge at cannot be 
 
 They will, too, not merely interest children, but 
 grown uj) persons. — We8tininster Review. (Italics 
 should follow "interest.") 
 
78 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Hard Working Man — An Irishman at a temper- 
 ance meeting, referring to his standing in society, said 
 that he had been a hard working man ever since he was 
 born. 
 
 House of Commons' Order — In 1784 the Irish 
 House of Commons issued the following order: 
 
 < * Any member unable to write may get another to 
 frank his letter for him, but only on condition that he 
 certifies with his own handwriting his inability on the 
 back of it." 
 
 Preface to Shakespeare — Dr. Johnson, in his 
 celebrated preface to Shakespeare, says, *'He has not 
 only shown human nature as it acts in real exigencies, 
 but as it would be found in situations to which it cannot 
 be exposed." ' 
 
 Strong Testimony — A miller attempted to testify 
 to the merits of a powder for destroying vermin by say- 
 ing, "A fortnight ago I was full of rats, and now I 
 don't think I have one." 
 
 On Duty — A son of the Green Isle, a new member 
 of Colonel Gillam^s Middle Tennessee regiment, while 
 stationed at Nashville during the late civil war, was de- 
 tailed on guard duty on a prominent street of that city. 
 It was his first experience at guard-mounting, and he 
 strutted along his beat apparently with a full apprecia- 
 tion of his position. As a citizen approached he 
 shouted, 
 
 " Halt ! who comes there? " 
 
 *'A citizen." 
 
 ** Advance, citizen, and give the countersign," 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 79 
 
 <<I haven't the countersign; and if I had, the demand 
 for it at this time and place is something very strange 
 and unusual," rejoined the citizen. 
 
 <' An' by the howly Moses ye don't pass this way at 
 all, be jabers, till ye say Bunker Hill," was Pat's reply. 
 
 The citizen, appreciating the " situation," advanced 
 and cautiously whispered in his ear the necessary words. 
 
 <' Right ! pass on," and the wide-awake sentinel 
 resumed his beat. 
 
 Store Sign — Families supplied by the quart or 
 gallon. 
 
 We are both agreed tliat the sentence was wrong. 
 — BUCKLE, Life and Letters. (Omit italics.) 
 
 TjiuTH AND Veracity — Lawyer: * ' Do you know the 
 reputation of Mrs. Flannagan for truth and veracity? " 
 
 Witness: " Wall, Squire, I guess she'd tell the truth; 
 but about her veracity — well, now, some say she would, 
 and some say she wouldn't." 
 
 Ambiguous Reference — An advertisement praising 
 the virtues of a new make of infants' feeding-bottle 
 winds up by saying, " When the baby is done drink- 
 ing, it must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under 
 a tap. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it 
 should be boiled." 
 
 Half-Killed — "Do you want some nice pork, sir?" 
 said a butcher to an Irishman, who was intently regard- 
 ing half of a hog hanging outside the door. "No, sorr! 
 Oi was only wondherin' whin ye was goin' to kill the 
 other half o' that pig." 
 
80 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Too Much Aboard — A couple of honest miners near 
 Deadwood, with too much aboard, were staggering with 
 difficulty up Two Bit Gulch. 
 
 "Come along, ye drunken, blathering spalpeen, yez ! 
 Come along, now," said one. "Come on, Oi say, or 
 Oi'll blow an ounce of lid inter yez." 
 
 "Blow yersilf, Paddy Ryan. To the divil wid yer 
 blowing. Fa'th an' yer blow a ton inter me, divil a bit 
 will Oi come." 
 
 Cheese — Diner: "Waiter, this is indigestible 
 cheese, isn't it?" 
 
 Waiter: " Yes, indeed, sah. Dat am de pure ind'- 
 gestible jes' in from de fact'ry." 
 
 The destruction was immense not only of public but 
 of private property. (Italics should end the sentence.) 
 
 Mathematical Precision — Aunt : "Now, my dear, 
 dear, divide this apple, and give the biggest half to your 
 brother." 
 
 Well-informed child : " If it is divided into halves, 
 aunt, there can be no possible difference in the sizes.'* 
 
 No Depravity — Colored gentleman: "Permit me. 
 Miss Simberly, de extreme felicity of presenting my 
 seat." 
 
 Miss S : " Thanks, kindly, Mr. Johnsing; but 
 
 don't deprive yourself." 
 
 "No depravity, mam, no depravity at all, I assure 
 you." 
 
 Health — " Do you enjoy good health? " 
 "Yes ; who doesn't?" 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 81 
 
 Telegraphic — Probably it is the sense of the incon- 
 gruous that takes effect, and for that reason death mes- 
 sages are often more ridiculous than any others. ''We 
 are all well but Sam, and he died yesterday," was prob- 
 ably indicative only of the sender's desire to break the 
 news gently — not of any fears for "Sam's" future hap- 
 piness. And it is scarcely to be supposed that any 
 ghostly visitation induced the communication, "Your 
 mother is dead and wants you to come home." "Just 
 send five to help me ; am starving by telegraph," was 
 the cry of one impecunious soul, and the wonder has 
 been since as to the exact method of procedure in a case 
 of "starving by telegraph." 
 
 Good Form — Usher, at reception, pon^pously, as 
 Mr. Foot and daughters enter: "Mr. Foot and the 
 Misses Feet ! " 
 
 Mr. French needs a surgeon, icho has hroken his arm, 
 (Italics should follow "Mr. French.") 
 
 Enjoying Sleep — Bridget: "Enjoy slape, is it! 
 How could I? The minit I lay down, I'm aslape, an' 
 the minit I'm awake, I have to get up. Where's the 
 time for en joy in' it? " 
 
 A Landlord in the Chair — Man, in back seat, ris- 
 ing: "Mr. Chairman, I wish to move " 
 
 Absent-Minded Chairman : ' ' I've got several vacant 
 
 flats I'd like beg pardon, Mr. Williams, what is 
 
 your motion? " 
 
 The sad faces and joyous music formed an incon- 
 gruous sight. — WYNN, WJiat I Saw of the War, 
 
82 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Bunions — "Dear Sir: Please inform a constant 
 reader how to cure bunions in to-day's issue." 
 
 There are no bunions in to-day's issue, nor in yester- 
 day's, nor in to-morrow's, nor in any that is to come, 
 and were you a careful as well as a constant reader you 
 would have grasped this fact without being told. — Phil- 
 adelphia Inquirer. 
 
 Humorous Transpositions — Transpositions are 
 among the most amusing blunders of speech. Every 
 one has heard of the man who said "tot and jittle" and 
 then blushingly corrected himself to "tit and jottle." 
 A clergyman in Ohio said, " For now we see through 
 a dark glassly," and the same man spoke of some one 
 going "headlessly" to destruction. A Providence min- 
 ister once said, " turned his eyeless sightballs up to 
 heaven. " 
 
 No one could imagine what a certain speaker meant 
 when he said, " Biddy, diddy," and then stopped, and 
 after a moment of confusion said, "Diddy, biddy," and 
 then, with scarlet face and coldly perspiring brow, 
 gasped out, "Diddy, hiddy biddy doo." Then he had 
 to sit down and rest a While before he could say, " Did 
 he bid adieu." 
 
 "I would like some nins and peedles," said a lady at 
 the small wares counter of a Boston dry goods store. 
 
 "Beg pardon," said the clerk; "nins and peedles?" 
 
 "Oh ! pins and needles, I mean." — Wideawake. 
 
 Hogs — Said a member of Congress from Ohio to a 
 New Yorker, who was trying to tell him something 
 about hogs: "You can't tell me anything about hogs. 
 I know more about hogs than you ever dreamt of. I was 
 brought up among hogs." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 83 
 
 The riches of the temple gradually disappeared, 
 but hy whom, or when, is not • known. — Lempriere, 
 Dictionary. (Omit '*by whom," and read "how or 
 when.") 
 
 Conscious — Two Irishmen were talking about an 
 accident, when the following colloquy occurred : 
 
 " Shure, how is the man that was hurt? " 
 
 " And he's no bether." 
 
 "Is he conscious?" 
 
 "Yis, he's conscious, but divil a thing does he 
 know." 
 
 No one is fit for a king who cannot rule himself. 
 (Italics should follow "one.") 
 
 Six Feet — "Six feet in his boots!" exclaimed old 
 Mrs. B. "What will the impudence of this world come 
 to, I wonder ! Why they might just as reasonably tell 
 me that the man had six heads in his hat." 
 
 Thanks — A country paper prints the following 
 
 card of thanks: "Mr. and Mrs. G wish to express 
 
 thanks to their friends and neighbors who so kindly 
 assisted at the burning of their residence last night." 
 
 Whisky — A grocer in Washington advertises that 
 he has "whisky for sale that has been drunk by all the 
 Presidents, from Gen. Jackson down to the present 
 time." 
 
 Where is the man or minister either, who has not 
 read "Guy Mannering?" (As if a minister were not a 
 man. Read "man, even a minister.") 
 
84 BULLS AND BLUNDEKS. 
 
 An Irish Maxim — "Never be critical upon the 
 ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable 
 for his homage to the sex; " the only way that a true 
 gentleman will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty 
 woman, is to shut his eyes." 
 
 A Colored Wedding — '*Wy, how yer do, Nancy?" 
 said old Hester, addressing old Sanderson's daughter. 
 . " Didn't yer git married last Sadday night? " 
 *' No; the weddin' dat come off didn't take place." 
 
 Every Inch One — "Your mind is in a twilight 
 state," observed the good man. "You cannot differen- 
 tiate the grains of mistrust from the molecules of a rea- 
 sonable confidence. You are traveling the border land, 
 the frontier between the paradise of faith and the arctic 
 regions of incredulity. You are an agnostic." 
 
 " Divil a bit!" said Pat, with mingled amazement 
 and indignation. "I'm a Dimmycrat, ivery inch o' me." 
 
 I move the appointment of a committee to report 
 what alterations and repairs are necessary to the members 
 of the next General Assembly. (Italics should follow 
 " report.") 
 
 A Startling Announcement — A seaside paper 
 makes the startling announcement that " tan shoes are 
 very much worn this summer. Hundreds of the cot- 
 tagers wear nothing else." A pair of tan shoes certainly 
 makes a very cool costume. — Yonkers Statesman. 
 
 Sentence Endings — Some teachers and some text- 
 books maintain that a sentence should never end with a 
 preposition or other insignificant word. The remark 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 85 
 
 attributed to a college professor, <'A preposition is 
 a bad word to end a sentence with," whether authen- 
 tic or not, is instructive. If the professor's practice 
 had squared with his theory, he would have said, 
 "A preposition is a bad word with which to end a 
 sentence ; " but his instinct for language was stronger 
 than his doctrine. His practical refutation of his 
 own theory shows how dangerous it is to base a rule 
 upon one's notion of what good use should be, rather 
 than upon what it is. — adams Sherman hill, Founda- 
 tions of Rhetoric, 
 
 A Shilling Short — A good one is charged to an 
 Irishman playing cards, who, on inspecting the pool, 
 found it deficient. *' Here is a shilling short," said he ; 
 <' who put it in ? " 
 
 Somewhat Cloudy — '<Now, Johnny, suppose the 
 clock should strike sixteen, what time would it be ? " 
 ''That would depend." 
 "On what?" 
 "On what time it was when the clock struck sixteen." 
 
 Broad, white roads radiate in all directions shaded 
 by rows of tall poplars. ( Italics should end the sen- 
 tence.) 
 
 Epitaph in an English Churchyard — Here lies 
 J. S., who for forty years lived in conjugal happiness 
 with his widow, who survives him. — Harper'' 8 Maga- 
 zine. 
 
 Amusing Mistakes — A well-known musical com- 
 poser was conducting a rehearsal of one of his works 
 
86 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 when, Avith characteristic energy, he exclaimed, "Now, 
 gentlemen, Fill up the blowing fowl." This was in- 
 tended to be the signal for the entry of the chorus, 
 "Fill up the flowing bowl," but the laughter evoked by 
 the ludicrous blunder prevented any practice for some 
 time. 
 
 An old gentleman marched into church one Sunday 
 morning, and found his favorite seat monopolized by a 
 stranger. Choking with indignation, he sputtered, 
 " Sir, are you aware that you are occupewing my pie ? " 
 
 "What is so fit an emblem of our fleeting life," 
 said an impassioned orator, " as the gaudy flutterby ? " 
 and he wondered why his audience was moved to smiles 
 by the comparison. 
 
 "I knew that she was an old maid," exclaimed a 
 young friend to me, "she was so priif and stim." And 
 seeing by my face that she must have made a mistake, 
 she hastily corrected herself, saying, "I mean stim and 
 priff." 
 
 Convincing — She: "If you had never met me, 
 w^ould you have loved me just the same ? " 
 He, convincingly: "More." — Life. 
 
 But — A Scran ton paper referring to a serious acci- 
 dent to a little child says, "The best medical talent 
 in the city was summoned, hut she soon revived." 
 
 Besetting Sins — Dr. M'Cosh, formerly President 
 of Princeton Seminary, tells the story of a negro, who 
 prayed earnestly that he and his colored brethren might 
 be preserved from what he called their " upsettin' sins." 
 "Brudder," said one of his friends at the close of the 
 meeting, "you aint got de hang of dat ar word — it's 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 87 
 
 besettin', not upsettin'." ** Brudder," replied the 
 other, *'if dat's so, it's so. But I was a prayin' de 
 Lord to save me from de sin of intoxification, and if dat 
 ar aint a upsettin' sin, I dunno what am." 
 
 Hand to Mouth — An eminent brow-beating barris- 
 ter once described certain individuals as *' living from 
 hand to mouth, like birds in the air." 
 
 How Many Were at the Party — Mr. OJFlaherty 
 undertook to tell how many were at the party. *' The 
 two Crogans were one, myself was two, Mike Finn was 
 three, and — and — who was four ? Let me see," count- 
 ing on his fingers. "The two Crogans was one, Mike 
 Finn was two, myself was three, and bedad ! there was 
 four of us, but I couldn't tell the name of the other. 
 Now, it's meself that has it. Mike Finn was one, the 
 two Crogans was two, myself was three — and — by my 
 soul, I think there was but three of us after all." 
 
 Shoes — Try a pair of our shoes and you will never 
 wear another. — Eastern Paper. 
 
 Love or Money — An Irish member of Parliament, 
 speaking of a certain minister's well-known love of 
 money, observed, '*. . . if the honorable gentleman 
 was an undertaker, it would be the delight of his heart 
 to see all mankind seized with a common mortality, that 
 he might have the benefit of the general burial, and pro- 
 vide scarfs and hat-bands for the survivors." 
 
 HoE — '* Where did you put the hoe I saw you wid ?" 
 <<It's gone intirely, feyther." "Thin I'll break ivery 
 bone in your body wid it if you don't find it." 
 
88 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Extract From a Novel — The notary, meanwhile, 
 as was his custom, walked up and down the garden, with 
 his hands on his back, eagerly perusing a newspaper. 
 — Fliegende Blaetter. 
 
 Bound to be Ruined — "I will be ruined," said a 
 Dublin trader to his English friend. "I am sorry for 
 it," said the other; "but, if you inill be ruined, you 
 know no one else can prevent it." 
 
 Neither — A good example of a bull may be cited 
 in the case of the two Irishmen who, fancying that they 
 knew each other, crossed the street to shake hands. On 
 discovering their error, 
 
 " I beg your pardon ! " cried the one. 
 
 "Oh, don't mention it," said the other. "It's a 
 mutual mistake ; you see, I thought it w^as you, and you 
 thought it was me, and after all, it was neither of us ! " 
 
 Rome once more ruled over the prostrate nations 
 hy the power of superstition. (Italics should follow 
 "Rome.") 
 
 Mistaken Identity — Several years ago, a darkey 
 named Tom, living at Bowling Green, Kentucky, was 
 missed, and the dead body of another was found under 
 a railway trestle a short distance from the town, and 
 identified as Tom by his friends and relatives. The 
 funeral arrangements were being made, when Tom re- 
 turned. The burial was, however, proceeded with, and 
 shortly afterward, when Tom was asked how he felt 
 when he came back and found that he was being mourned 
 as dead, he replied, "Why, Marse Rochester, just as 
 soon as I seed dat nigger I know'd it warn't me." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 89 
 
 A Set-Off for "Shannon Shore" — One of the 
 most curious blunders made by an author was that made 
 by Thackeray when collecting material for his Irish 
 Sketch-Book. Driving along a road, he saw at due in- 
 tervals posts set up with the letters *'G. P. O." upon 
 them. Overtaking a peasant, he inquired the meaning 
 of these initials, and was gravely informed that they 
 stood for "God Preserve O'Connell !" Out came the 
 tourist's note-book, in which a memorandum was at once 
 jotted down of the curious statement. In the first edi- 
 tion of the sketches the fact was duly mentioned, but it 
 was suppressed in all the subsequent issues, owing to the 
 tardy discovery that the initials stood for "General 
 Post-Office," indicating that the highway was a post- 
 road. 
 
 A Wonderful Trip — An invalid, after returning 
 from a Southern trip, said to a friend, " Oh, shure, an' 
 it's done me a wurruld o' good, goin' away. I've come 
 back another man altogether ; in fact, I'm quite meself 
 
 Rooms to Rent — A landlady advertises that she has 
 "a fine, airy, well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman 
 twelve feet square ; " another has "a cheap and desirable 
 suit of rooms for a respectable family in good repair ; " 
 still another has ' ' a hall bedroom for a single woman 
 8 X 12." 
 
 Alias — "Never would call a boy of mine Alias," 
 said Mrs. Jones, of Huntsville, Alabama, " if I had a 
 hundred to name. Men by that name is alius cuttin' up 
 capers. Here's Alias Thompson, Alias Williams, Alias 
 the Night-hawk, all been took up for stealin'." 
 
90 BULIS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Mrs. Parvenu — *'I'm so sorry," said Mrs. Parvenu, 
 bidding good night to her guests after the reception, 
 *' that the storm kept all our best people away." 
 
 Noise — It was an Irishman who said to his wife, 
 ** I wish the children could be kept in the nursery while 
 I am at home; although," considerately adding, "I 
 wouldn't object to their noise if they'd only keep quiet." 
 
 Acts of Assembly — Judge Breckenridge used to 
 relate the following: '<I once had a Virginia lawyer 
 object to an expression in one of the Acts of Assembly 
 of Pennsylvania, which read ' that the State House Yard, 
 in the City of Philadelphia, should be surrounded by a 
 brick wall, and remain an open eiiclosure forever;'' but I 
 put him down by citing one of the Acts of the Legisla- 
 ture of his own State, entitled * A supplement to an Act 
 entitled an Act making it penal to alter the mark of an 
 unmarked hog. ' " 
 
 The French papers say of a recent duel : "One of 
 the combatants was unhurt, and the other sustained a 
 wound in the arm of no importance.'''' Which arm is 
 this ? — Punch. 
 
 Tea — Grocer: "Half a pound of tea? Which 
 will you have, black or green ? " 
 
 Servant : " Shure, ayther will do. It's for an ould 
 woman that's nearly bloind." 
 
 Self-Convicted — An English gentleman was writ- 
 ing a letter in a coffee-house, and, perceiving an Irishman 
 stationed behind him reading it, said nothing, but fin- 
 ished his letter in these words; "I would sav more; 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 91 
 
 but a tall, impudent Irishman is reading over my shoul- 
 der every word I write." '< You lie, you scoundrel!" 
 said the self-convicted Hibernian. 
 
 Counting the Chickens — "I've counted 'em all," 
 said Pat, *<but that little speckled one, and he won't 
 keep still long enough to be counted." 
 
 Doings of a Mad Dog — He bit a horse on the leg 
 which has since died. — Western Paper. 
 
 A Letter of Sir Boyle Roche — A letter supposed 
 to have been written by Sir Boyle Roche during the 
 Irish rebellion of '98, gives an amusing collection of his 
 various blunders. Perhaps he never put quite so many 
 on paper at one time, but his peculiar turn for " bulls" 
 is here shown at one view. The letter was first printed 
 in the Kerry Magazine^ now out of print. 
 
 . "Dear Sir, — Having now a little peace and quiet, I 
 sit down to inform you of the bustle and confusion we 
 are in from the bloodthirsty rebels, many of whom are 
 now, thank God, killed and dispersed. We are in a pretty 
 mess; can get nothing to eat, and no wine to drink ex- 
 cept whisky. When we sit down to dinner we are obliged,, 
 to keep both hands armed. I concluded from the begin- 
 ning that this would be the end ; and I am right, for it 
 is not half over yet. At jjresent there are such goings 
 on that everything is at a standstill. I should have 
 answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I only received 
 it this morning ; indeed, hardly a mail arrives safe with- 
 out being robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the mail 
 coach from Dublin was robbed near this town ; the bags 
 had been judiciously left behind for fear of accident, 
 and by great good luck there was nobody in the coach 
 
92 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 except two outside passengers, who had nothing for the 
 thieves to take. Last Thursday an alarm was given 
 that a gang of rebels, in full retreat from Drogheda, 
 were advancing under the French standard ; but they 
 had no colours, nor any drums except bagpipes. 
 Immediately every man in the place, including women 
 and children, ran out to meet them. We soon found 
 our forces a great deal too little, and were far too near 
 to think of retreating. Death was in every face, and to 
 it we went. By the time half our party were killed we 
 began to be all alive. Fortunately the rebels had no 
 guns, except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes ; and we had 
 plenty of muskets and ammunition. We put them all 
 to the sword ; not a soul of them escaped, except some 
 that were drowned in an adjoining bog. In fact, in a 
 short time nothing was heard but silence. Their uni- 
 forms were all different — chiefly green. After the 
 action was over we went to rummage their camp. All 
 we found was a few pikes without heads, a parcel of 
 empty bottles filled with water, and a bundle of blank 
 French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops 
 are now stationed round, which exactly squares with my 
 ideas of security. Adieu. I have only time to add, that 
 J am yours in haste, B. R. 
 
 P. S. — If you do not receive this, of course it must 
 have miscarried ; therefore I beg you to write and let 
 me know." 
 
 Fellow-Citizens — "Fellow-citizens!" said an old- 
 time politician, " in accordance with time-honored 
 custom, I come to declare my political sentiments. You 
 know I am a Democrat, rocked in the cradle of Democ- 
 racy, and was never anything else, and never shall be. 
 There are three topics that now agitate the State : the 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDEKS. 93 
 
 United States Bank, the Tariff, and the Penitentiary. 
 I shall pass over the first two very briefly, as my senti- 
 ments are well known, and come to the Penitentiary, 
 where I shall dwell for some time.'''' It was long before 
 the audience could allow him to reach his destination. 
 
 Fathoms — Captain: <'IIow many fathoms?" 
 Pilot : '' Can't touch bottom, sir." Captain : "Well, 
 confound it, how near do you come?" 
 
 Stove — Paddy, on being told that a certain kind of 
 stove would save half the coal, said, "Faith, then, I'll 
 take two av thim, and save it all." 
 
 I expected last year to have gone to California on 
 business. (Read, I expected last year to go^ etc. 
 
 Bankruptcy — An Hibernian senator once gave 
 notice in the Irish House, that, as the British Parlia- 
 ment had passed an act to prevent the crime of bank- 
 ruptcy before it was committed, it was his intention to 
 move for leave to bring in a bill to prevent the crime of 
 bankruptcy after it was committed. 
 
 Teetotalism — A teetotaler asked Pat the other day 
 if he ever saw a teetotaler drunk ? 
 
 " Och ! " replied Paddy, with earnestness, " I've seen 
 many a man drunk, but I couldn't tell whether he was a 
 teetotaler or not. " 
 
 Mixed Metaphors — Such are the words the Em- 
 peror has always had in his eye. — German Orator, 
 Count Frankenburg pointed out to his countrymen the 
 necessity of " seizing the stream of time by the forelock." 
 
94 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Klopstock, the Poet — Klopstock, the German 
 poet, was once visited by some students from Gottingen 
 to have the meaning of one of his stanzas explained. 
 After reading the stanza he replied, "I cannot recollect 
 what I meant when I wrote it, but I remember that it 
 was the finest thing I ever wrote, and you cannot do 
 better than to devote your lives to the discovery of its 
 meaning." — The Epoch. 
 
 Gravestone Literature — Here lies Bernard 
 Lightfoot, who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth 
 year of his age. This monument was erected by his 
 grateful family. 
 
 Playbill — A playbill announces the opening of the 
 Theatre Royal, Dundee, " under the management of Miss 
 Goddard newly decorated and painted.'''^ 
 
 No one can read the history of Stonewall Jackson 
 without recognizing all the qualities in him that go to 
 make a popular hero. (Italics should follow "recog- 
 nizing.") 
 
 Widow Mulcahey's Sudden Demise — In a West- 
 ern village an Irishman named Casey kept a small, gen- 
 eral store. On a very cold but clear day in winter a 
 fellow-countryman drop]3ed in and was greeted by the 
 store-keeper with the Avords, 
 
 "That's a fine day, Mr. Mooney." 
 
 "It is, Mr. Casey. What's new wid you to-day?" 
 
 " Sorra much I have that's new, Mr. Mooney, but 
 mournful news. You heard of the death of the widow 
 Mulcahey? You did? Yis — no?" 
 
 "Not a word av it, Mr. Casey, and I hope it's not 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 95 
 
 true, anyway. But what disease did she die av? The 
 neighbors '11 miss her." 
 
 << Well, ye see, she just went out in the yard to the 
 pump with a pail in her hand to get a drap of wather. 
 She fell on the ice, struck the back of her head, and 
 thin walked into the house a corpse." 
 
 Shellfish — Customer: "Give me a dozen fried 
 oysters." 
 
 Waiter : '< Sorry, sah, but we's all out o' shellfish, 
 sah, 'ceptin' eggs." 
 
 Disposing of the Dead — "How shall we dispose of 
 the dead ? " asked a recent writer. '* By keeping them 
 alive," was an Irishman's grotesque reply. 
 
 How He Liked Scotland — An Irishman, having 
 been obliged to live with his master some time in Scot- 
 land, was asked on his return how he liked that country. 
 To which he replied, "I was sick all the while I was 
 there; and if I had lived there till this time, I'd been 
 dead a year ago." 
 
 Letter of Condolence — A New York politician, in 
 writing a letter of condolence to the widow of a late 
 member of the Legislature, says, "I cannot tell how 
 pained I was to hear that your husband had gone to 
 heaven. We w^ere bosom friends, but now we shall 
 never meet again." 
 
 Western Legislation — The rules of composition 
 are not closely observed in some of the Western States. 
 An ingenious scribe drafted a bill introduced into the 
 Nebraska Legislature forbidding "the firing of any pis- 
 
96 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 tol, revolver, shot-gun, rifle, or any firearms whatsoever 
 on any public road or highway, or within sixty yards 
 of such public road or highway, except to destroy some 
 wild, ferocious, or dangerous beast, or an officer in the 
 discharge of his duty." 
 
 Pearl — In an account of travels we are assured that 
 *< a pearl was found by a sailor in a shell.'''' 
 
 Distress — Even when positive or superlative, is 
 still only comparative. ' ' Such is the pressure of the 
 times in our town," said a Birmingham manufacturer to 
 his agent in London, ''that we have good workmen 
 who will get up the inside of a watch for eighteen shill- 
 ings." "Pooh! that is nothing, compared to London," 
 replied his friend ; " we have boys here who will get up 
 the inside of a chimney for sixpence ! " — Tin Trumpet. 
 
 Impunity — ''And now, Mrs. Sullivan," said the 
 counsel, "will you be kind enough to tell the jury 
 whether your husband was in the habit of striking you 
 with impunity? " 
 
 " Wid what, sir?" 
 
 "With impunity." 
 
 "He wuz, sir, now and thin; but he sthruck me 
 ofthener wid his fisht." 
 
 M. O'Quin has the courage to denounce the sym- 
 metrical arrangements of the French Budget which Mr. 
 Gladstone so much admires as little else than a delusion. 
 — Saturday Revieio. (Italics should follow ' ' denounce. ") 
 
 Saved by Tobacco — " Tobaccy wanst saved my 
 life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. "How 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 97 
 
 was that?" inquired his companion. "Oh, ye see, I 
 was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and 
 while I was up the well caved in ! " 
 
 Affidavit — One of the most amusing bulls extant 
 is that in the affidavit of the Troy policeman who swore 
 as follows : 
 
 "The prisoner sat upon me, calling me an ass, a pre- 
 cioiis dolt, a scarecrow, a ragamuffin, and idiot, all of 
 which I certify to be true." 
 
 A Scriptural Text — " I take my tex dis morning," 
 said a colored preacher, "from dat po'tion ob de Scrip- 
 tures whar the Postol Paul pints his pistol to de 
 Fessions." 
 
 A Carpenter's Bill — To hanging two barndoors 
 and myself, 4s. 6d. 
 
 People have been crying out that Germany never 
 could be an aggressive power a great deal too soon. — 
 Spectator. (Italics should follow " crying out.") 
 
 Grippe — An Irishman describes the grippe "as a 
 disease that keeps you sick for three weeks after you get 
 well." 
 
 Wanted — A room for two gentlemen thirty feet 
 long and twenty feet wide. 
 
 Rogers, the Poet — An amusing story is told of 
 Rogers, the poet. He was in Paris with a very old 
 friend, a trifle vague in his mind. Rogers said to him, 
 "I was walking to-day in the Champs Elysees, and 
 
 7 
 
98 BULLS AND BLtJNDERg. 
 
 was met by an old lady who stopped, and looking fixedly 
 at me, said, 'Sir, isn't your name Rogers? ' " Pausing 
 a moment he was asked by his friend, "Well, and 
 was it?" 
 
 The New Cemetery — Two operatives in one of the 
 border towns were heard disputing about a new ceme- 
 tery, beside the elegant railing of which they were 
 standing. One of them, evidently disliking the conti- 
 nental fashion in which it was being laid out, said in dis- 
 gust, "I'd rather dee than be buried in sic a place ! " 
 
 " Well, it's the verra reverse wi' me, " said the 
 other, "for I'll be buried naewhere else, if I'm sj^ared." 
 
 A Church Steeple — Smart boy: "If you were up 
 on a church steeple, on a goose's back, how would you 
 get down ? " 
 
 First Boy: "Climb down." 
 
 Second Boy: "Jump down." 
 
 Smart Boy: "I'd get it off the goose." 
 
 First — "Och, an' what's yer honor agoin' to give 
 me, seein' as it's myself that saved yer honor's house 
 from turnin' to ashes intirely ? " 
 
 "How so, Pat?" 
 
 "An' sure, when it cotched a-fire, wasn't I the sec- 
 ond one that hollered fire Jirst .^" 
 
 A pony carriage was passing along Fifth Avenue, 
 when in turning into Wood Street it fell down and broke 
 both of its legs. — Pittsburgh Paper. 
 
 A Life Estate — A justice of the Irish King's 
 Bench, in deciding a will case, said "he thought it very 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 99 
 
 clear that the testator intended to keep a life-interest in 
 the estate to himself.''^ 
 
 Educational — Easterner, in a Western town: *'I 
 don't see any school in this town." 
 
 Westerner: *'You don't? Guess you must be near- 
 sighted. Don't you see that sign over that there door, 
 'Teechin Dun Heer ? '" 
 
 Telegraphic — A venerable Irish lady in Taunton, 
 Mass., went into a telegraph office, and stated her wish 
 to send a message to her son in a neighboring city. 
 Whereupon the obliging operator asked her if he should 
 write it for her, to which she hesitatingly responded, 
 
 ''Av ye plaze. Mister, I'll do it meself, for James 
 knows my handwriting." 
 
 • 
 Homer was 7iot only the maker of a nation, but of 
 a language and of a religion. — Atlienmum. (Italics 
 should follow "maker.") 
 
 Catachresis — The abuse of a trope, or an apparent 
 contradiction in terms, as when the law pronounces the 
 accidental killing of a woman to be manslaughter. The 
 name of the Serpentine River, which is a straight canal,, 
 involves a catachresis, and we often unconsciously perpe- 
 trate others in our daily discourse ; as when we talk of 
 wooden tombstones, iron mile -stones, glass ink horns, 
 brass shoeing -horns, etc. 
 
 Everyone recollects the fervent hope expressed by 
 the late Lord Castlereagh, that the people of this happy 
 country would never turn their backs upon themselves. 
 This was only a misplaced trope ; but" there is, some- 
 times, among his, fellow-countrymen, a confusion of 
 
100 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 ideas that involves an impossibility. An Irishman's 
 horse fell with him, throwing his rider to some distance, 
 when the animal, in struggling to get up, entangled its 
 hind leg in the stirrup. "Oh, very well, sir," said the 
 dismounted cavalier; "if you're after getting up on 
 your own back, I see there will be no room for me." — 
 Tin Trumpet. 
 
 Churchyard Literature — Here lies father and 
 mother, and sister and I — 
 
 They all died within the short space of one year ; 
 
 They all be buried at Wimble but I, 
 
 And I be buried here. — At Belturhet, Ireland. 
 
 A Teacher's Circular — The circular of a lady 
 teacher spoke of her character, and the * ' reputation for 
 teaching she bears." , 
 
 Disperse — A bull is sometimes produced by the 
 false use of a word, as in the case of an Irish watchman 
 giving evidence at a police office : 
 
 "What 18 this man's offense?" 
 
 "He was disorderly, your worship, in the strates, 
 last night." 
 
 "And did you give him warning before you took him 
 into custody?" 
 
 "I did, your honor. I said to him, 'Disparse! ' " 
 
 Wanted — A young man to take care of a pair of 
 mules of a Christian dispositioji. (Italics should follow 
 "man.") 
 
 A Sidewalk Recommendation — The Boston Tran- 
 script recommends the arrest of any store boy who 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 101 
 
 sweeps off the sidewalk of ^ia 3row«ded kireei beiween^ 8 
 and 9 o'clock in the morning. The Transcript is per- 
 fectly right. The boys must leave the sidewalks where 
 they are. — Loicell Citizen. 
 
 An Irish Manager — "Ladies and gentlemen," said 
 an Irish manager to his audience of three, *'as there is 
 nobody here, I'll dismiss you all ; the performance of 
 this night will not be performed, but will be repeated 
 to-morrow evening." 
 
 Absent-Minded — Customer : "Give me ten cents 
 worth of paregoric, please." 
 Druggist: "Yes, sir." 
 
 Customer, absent-mindedly : " How much is it?" 
 Druggist : "A quarter." 
 
 The Episcopal Church furnishes the assurance of an 
 organic and unbroken unity and succession from the 
 apostles, by a line of unhrohen bishops, down to the 
 bishop of this diocese. (Italics should precede "line.") 
 
 Metaphorical — An American orator at a dinner at 
 the Grand Hotel in London recently made use of the 
 following metaphor in his speech: "Let the Russian 
 bear put his paw upon the fair land of Australia, and 
 the British lion, the American eagle, and the Australian 
 kangaroo will rise up as one man and drive him igno- 
 miniously to his lair." This is almost equal to Sir Boyle 
 Roche's best. 
 
 Errors of the Press — For "Fleshy brown noses," 
 read " Freshly blown roses." For " The enemy was re- 
 pulsed with great laughter," read "The enemy was 
 
102 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 repiiked * witli "great slaiiglitef. " For "Thieving as 
 usual," read "Thriving as usual." For "Eating a 
 coachman," read "Beating a coachman." For "Pota- 
 toes of Europe," read " Potentates of Europe." For 
 "Matter of heresy," read "Matter of hearsay." For 
 "Fond of his bottle," read "Famous in battle." 
 
 A Sympathetic Soul — Mistress, to new hired girl : 
 " Bridget, you can go now and put the mackerel in soak." 
 
 Bridget, sympathetically: "Sure, ma'am, air ye 
 rejuced to that ? " — New York Herald. 
 
 An Eloquent Appeal — A scholarly advocate, with 
 a defective memory, electrified court and jury with the 
 following eloquent appeal : " Gentlemen of the jury, it 
 is better that ninety-and-nine innocent men should escape 
 than that one guilty man should be punished. A — I 
 mean that it is better that ninety-and-nine guilty men 
 should be punished than that one innocent man should 
 escape. Well, gentlemen, you read your Bibles and 
 know what I mean." 
 
 Devoted to Him — Jones to the club waiter : 
 "Michael, if I should die would you attend my funeral ?" 
 
 Michael, hastily: "Willingly, sir." 
 
 Jones: "Well, Michael, that isn't very compli- 
 mentary ! " 
 
 Michael: "No, sir; I didn't mane that, sir. I 
 wouldn't be seen there, sir." — N. Yl Mercury. 
 
 Tombstone Inscription — Here lies the body of 
 James Vernon, Esq., only surviving son of Admiral 
 Vernon ; died 23rd July, 175.3. — At jSt. Andrews, Ply- 
 mouthy Ireland. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. l03 
 
 An Accommodating Judge — Judge : *' One year, 
 and fifty dollars fine." 
 
 Prisoner's Lawyer : *' I would like to make a mo- 
 tion to have that sentence reversed." 
 
 Judge: <'A11 right. Fifty years, and one dollar 
 fine." 
 
 Orthography — The orthography of our great 
 grandmothers was uncertain, says Notes and Queries. 
 The old Duchess of Gordon used to say to her crojiies, 
 "You know, my dear, when I don't know how to spell 
 a word, I always draw a line under it ; and if it is 
 spelled wrong it passes for a very good joke, and if it is 
 spelled right it don't matter." 
 
 She appeared beautifully embroidered in a lovely 
 white silk dress. (Italics should follow "dress.") 
 
 Political — Well-meaning Citizen: "Now, Pat, 
 you see the disgrace these low politicians have brought 
 on the .city, why don't you cast your vote for honest, 
 respectable, solid men ? Now, if Mr. Rutherford 
 Stuyvesant were put up in your district, would you vote 
 for him ? " 
 
 Patrick: "Stoyvesant, sor? Where does he kape 
 his saloon ? " — Puck. 
 
 Very Sickly — "It is very sickly here," said one of 
 the sons of the Emerald Isle the other day to -another. 
 
 " Yes," replied his companion, "a great many have 
 died this year that never died before." 
 
 Stage Fright — George William Curtis, on the 
 occasion of his first lecture, suffered so much from stage 
 
104: BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 fright that he began by saying, <' Ladies and gentle^ 
 men, the pitomless bott." — JV. Y. Indepe^ident. 
 
 They thought that, if he wanted his civil rights, he 
 ought to have sent in his application for pardon at least. 
 (Italics should follow *' ought.") 
 
 Portraits — A country paper, in a notice of a 
 lecture given by a phrenologist, said, '* Behind the 
 platform is a large gallery of life-size portraits twelve 
 feet high." 
 
 Singularly Malapropos — A gentleman sitting in 
 one of the boxes in company with Lord North, not know- 
 ing his lordship, entered into conversation with him, and 
 seeing two ladies come into an opposite box, turned to 
 him and addressed him with, <'Pray, sir, can you 
 inform me who is that ugly woman that is just come 
 in?" "O," replied his lordship, with great good 
 humor, **that is my wife.'''' *'Sir, I ask you ten 
 thousand pardons ; I do not mean her, I mean that 
 shocking monster who is along with her." '< That, 
 replied his lordship, "is my daughter.'''' 
 
 He was a freshman calling on a young lady he had 
 known as a hoy. 
 
 Decline — Treating of the French, an author 
 observed that "the decline of the material comforts of 
 the working classes . . . had now reached to an 
 alarming height.'''' 
 
 Very Unfortunate— Pedestrian : "So you want 
 work, do you? Well, you can get it by going to that 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 105 
 
 factory over there. There is a placard on the door, 
 sayiijg there is work for people of both sexes." 
 
 Tramp: ** Sorry, boss, but that don't help me any. 
 I belong only to one sex." 
 
 Force of Habit — Hostess, to young Spriggins, 
 M.D.: *'Dr. Spriggins, will you have some of the 
 tongue?" 
 
 Dr. Spriggins, absent-mindedly; «< Oh — er — let 
 me look at it, please." 
 
 Irish Forecast — A friend of mine told me that 
 he was at a funeral sometime since, and although the 
 church stood on rising ground, it was so wet that the 
 corpse was covered with water as soon as it was let 
 down into the grave. An Irishman who was at the 
 funeral seemed much affected on seeing the water cover 
 the coffin, and said in a serious and feeling manner, "If 
 ever I die while I live, which I hope I never shall, I will 
 not be buried in this church-yard, to be drowned all the 
 days of my life ! " 
 
 Her apron was torn by a little dog, that teas trimmed 
 with pink and white braid. (Italics should follow 
 ** apron.") 
 
 Dentistry — An enterprising dentist in an Ohio 
 town has in the window of his office the sign, ** Your 
 teeth pulled while you wait." 
 
 Lecturing on the Rhinoceros — The lecturer put 
 his foot in it, when he prefaced his discourse upon the 
 rhinoceros with, " I must beg you to give me your undi- 
 vided attention ; indeed it is absolutely impossible that 
 
106 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 you could form a true idea of the hideous animal of 
 which we are about to speak, unless you keep your eyes 
 fixed on me." 
 
 Headache — Goslin : "Aw, I have a vewy bad 
 headache this mawning, doncher know." Cuspid, a 
 dentist, absent-mindedly : *' Why don't you have it 
 filled?" — Greensburg Sparks. 
 
 A careless reporter speaks of " inventing a ballot-box 
 arrangement which cannot be stuffed." (How a7i 
 arrangement is to be stuffed is something of a mystery. 
 
 HART.) 
 
 Cannibalism — Visitor, to nurse: "Well now, Mrs. 
 Denny, and where are the children?" 
 
 . Mrs. D — : "Shure, ma'am, an' the ladies up at the 
 parsonage has got them for dinner this day." 
 
 Wine — "Dan," said a nouveau nc^e earnestly to his 
 eldest son, "you must be more careful when you get in 
 any more wine." 
 
 "Which wine do you mean ? " inquired Dan. 
 
 "The claret. I heard one of our swell friends tell 
 his neighbor at dessert last night that the claret was 
 very old. Get it fresh, Dan, no matter what it costs." 
 
 Receipt — To the Editor: Please give me a receipt 
 for cherry pie. Mrs. Sparrowgrass. 
 
 Send on pie .and receipt will be forwarded by return 
 mail. 
 
 John is the best boy in the village that attends the 
 academy. (Italics should follow "boy.") 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 107 
 
 Not a Musician — Mrs. Johnsing : *' Can't stay long, 
 Mrs. Snow; I just cum tu see ef yo' would join de mis- 
 sion band." 
 
 Mrs. Snow : "Fo' de law', honey ! doan' cum tu me. 
 I cain't even play on a mouf organ." 
 
 Following Directions — Mrs. McFudd: "Och, Pat! 
 and phat are yez doing in that tub of water ? " 
 
 Mr. McFudd: "Faith and didn't the doctor say Oi 
 should take a shpoonful in wather t'ree times a day? Oi 
 know me business." — Judge. 
 
 Believe only half you hear. — English Proverb. If a 
 man tells you he lives at 375 Third Avenue, and you 
 wish to call on him, always go to 187|^. — German Puck. 
 
 Well Meant, But Awkwardly Put — "So glad 
 you haven't forgotten me, dear Lord Varicose. I was 
 afraid you would, after so many years." 
 
 "Oh, no. Miss Evergreen; I never forget old faces!" 
 — Punch. 
 
 Easy Enough — Miss Bagley : "Yes ; but now you 
 must forgive and forget." 
 
 Miss Faraway : " Oh, I can forgive, but it's not so 
 easy to forget." 
 
 Miss Bagley: "Nonsense! I can tell you a hun- 
 dred things I've forgotten." — Harper'' s Bazar. 
 
 The Currency Question — "Fat's all this talk about 
 the currency, and the five-twenties, and the sivin-thirties 
 that I hear about, Mike ?" 
 
 "Why, bliss your sowl, don't ye know, Pat ? It 
 manes that the Government wants to make the laborin' 
 
108 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 men work from five-twinty in the mornin' till sivin-tliirty 
 in the evening." 
 
 *'Och, the spalpeens, may the divil take them." 
 
 Boundless Liberality — A handbill announcing a 
 Land League meeting in Dublin, states, with boundless 
 liberality, that *< the ladies, without distinction of sex, 
 are invited to attend." 
 
 Personal Column — If the gentleman killed in the 
 boiler explosion last week will have his administrator 
 call at No. 123 South Fifth Street, he will hear of some- 
 thing to his advantage. 
 
 Rise in the Seine — They were talking to Guibollard 
 about the rise of the Seine, when he exclaimed, "It is 
 all humbug ! I went to Chatou yesterday ; the water 
 seems to have risen, but it is a mere deception." 
 
 "How so ?" 
 
 "I had chalked a mark on my boat, and it's in the 
 same place yet." — Le Telegraphe. 
 
 The astonished Yahoo, smoking, as well as he could, 
 a cigar, with which he had filled all his pockets. — war- 
 ren. Ten Thousand a Year. 
 
 In a State of Grace — Mrs. Flanigan, shaking her 
 fist : " 'Tis all very well for you to talk, Mrs. Brady, 
 knowing I'm just from confession, and in a state of 
 grace, but just you wait till to-morrow, when, plaze 
 heaven, I'll blacken the two eyes o' ye ! " — Life. 
 
 Some Literary Blunders — The pretentious woman 
 who was heard to say that she had never read Shakes- 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 109 
 
 peare's plays, though she had the highest opinion of 
 him as a man, makes an admirable companion picture for 
 an excellent old gentleman who believes unqualifiedly in 
 Boston as not the hub only, but the forward wheels also, 
 of the universe. Having confessed that he had never 
 found time during his busy life to read the < 'immortal 
 plays," he was advised to do so during the winter then 
 approaching. In the spring, a friend called on the esti- 
 mable citizen, and casually asked if he had read any of 
 the plays during the season just passed. **Yes," he 
 replied, " I have read them all." " Do you like them?" 
 returned his questioner^ feeling his way anxiously to an 
 opinion. "Like them!" replied the old man, with effu- 
 sive ardor, ''that is not the word, sir! They are glori- 
 ous, sir ; far beyond my expectation, sir ! There are 
 not twenty men in Boston, sir, who could liave written 
 those plays ! " His naive conceit was so delightful that 
 his friend did not undeceive him. 
 
 A Yorkshireman was advised to read some really 
 good book, and Plato was mentioned as likely to suit 
 him. Afterward he was asked, "Well, what do you 
 think of Plato?" "Plato? Oh, that Plato ! I'll tell 
 you what I think of him. He's as big a humbug as evei* 
 lived. Why, man, Emerson has said it all before him!" 
 
 Bismarck is greater than any German statesman. 
 (Italics should be followed by "other.") 
 
 Lord Dundreary — Lord Dundreary, having an ap- 
 pointment with his cousin, who was habitually unpunc- 
 tual, to his great surprise found him waiting. "Why, 
 Tham," irawled his lordship, "I thee you are here first 
 at last. You were always behind before; but I am glad 
 to thee that you have become early of late." 
 
110 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Elder Podson — <' A man who'd maliciously set fire 
 to a barn," said Elder Podson, <'and burn up a stable 
 full of horses and cows, ought to be kicked to death by 
 a jackass, and I'd like to be the one to do it." 
 
 Emu Eggs — A Irish bailiff, accustomed to send a 
 faithful account of the state of domestic arrangements, 
 added, in his letter to his master, *' We have a number 
 of emu eggs, which, in your lordship's absence, I have 
 set under a goose." 
 
 A Minister's Prayer — <<And now," said the 
 colored preacher, '^Let us pray for the people on the 
 uninhabited portions of the earth." 
 
 Lord Palmerston refused to join Lord Derby on a 
 fraudulent pretext. — The Press, (Italics should follow 
 <« refused.") 
 
 A Mixed Reference — An Irish attorney, not pro- 
 verbial for his i^robity, was robbed one night in going 
 from Wicklow to Dublin. His father, next day, 
 meeting Baron O'Grady, said, <'My lord, have you 
 heard of my son's robbery?" "No," replied the 
 baron ; "whom did he rob ? " 
 
 Trouble a Pleasure — "I am sorry to trouble you 
 so late at night, doctor," apologized a lady patient who 
 had severely burned her hand. "The trouble is a 
 ^pleasure," politely replied the doctor. 
 
 A Neav York Statute — The Albany Laio Journal 
 makes mention of a statute of New York which allowed 
 deductions of a certain number of days to be made on 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. Ill 
 
 account of good behavior from the term of imprison- 
 ment of convicts, with a proviso that the statute should 
 not apply to any 2^erso7i sentenced for the term of his 
 natural life. — heard, Oddities of the liaw. 
 
 In Bad Form — He: "Mrs. Redd-Clay, allow me 
 to present to you my friend, Mr. Reginald Robinson." 
 
 She, who always tries to say something pleasant : 
 **What an aristocratic first name you bear, Mr. 
 Robinson. " — Judge. 
 
 Mr. Bailey tells the story of his career as a newspaper 
 man with great enjoyment. — Newspaper Correspondent. 
 (Italics should follow '' tells.") 
 
 Double Meaning — The double meaning which may 
 be given to "twice two and three" arises from amphi- 
 bology ; it may be seven or ten, according as we add 
 the three after or before multiplying. — jevons. Logic. 
 
 Ambiguous Sympathy — She: "I hear that you lost 
 your valuable little dog, Mr. Sissy." 
 
 lie: "Ya'as, in a railroad accident. I was saved 
 but the dawg Avas killed." 
 
 She, shocked : "What a pity!" 
 
 Sign in a Country Barber Shop — Hair cut and 
 whiskers trimmed, twenty -five cents; children, fifteen 
 cents. 
 
 An Artless Statement — In a perusal of a very 
 solid book on the progress of the ecclesiastical differ- 
 ences of Ireland, written by a native of that country, 
 after a good deal of tedious and vexatious matter, the 
 
112 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 reader's complacency is restored by an artless statement 
 of how an eminent person "abandoned the errors of the 
 Church of Rome, and adopted those of the Church of 
 England." 
 
 A Dark View — It was a colored pastor who said 
 in his prayer, "Oh, Lord, we have passed through many 
 dark scenes and unseens." 
 
 A Long Sermon — Holy Week Notice: Evensong 
 will be said at 8 r. m. , and a sermon j) reached from Mon- 
 day till Friday inclusive. — Oxford Diocesan Gazette. 
 
 He said that he would erect a monument in the dining 
 room of the hotel. (Italics should follow "said.") 
 
 The Death Penalty — Lawyer: "Have you con- 
 scientious scruples against serving as a juror where the 
 penalty is death ? " 
 
 Boston Talesman: "I have." 
 
 Lawyer : "What is your objection ? " 
 
 Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die." 
 
 Hints — Never write about any matter that you do 
 uot well understand. If you clearly understand all 
 about your matter, you will never want thoughts, and 
 thoughts instantly become words. . . . One of the 
 greatest of all faults in writing and in speaking is this, 
 the using of many words to say one. In order to guard 
 yourself against this fault, inquire what is the substance, 
 or amount, of what you have said. Take a long speech 
 of some talking Lord and put down upon paper what the 
 amount of it -is. You will most likely find tliat the 
 amount is very small ; but at any rate, when you get it, 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 113 
 
 you will then be able to examine it and to tell what it is 
 worth. A very few examinations of this sort will so 
 frighten you that you will be forever upon your guard 
 against talking a great deal and saying little. — cobbett. 
 
 Mixed Metaphor — Brave Irishman, leading his 
 three captives into his general's presence: *'How did 
 you take them?" said the general. "Faix, I sur- 
 rounded them." 
 
 This recalls the Irishman's testimony in a riot case. 
 
 "How many men were in the riot?" asked the 
 Judge. "Four, your honor; three in the center and 
 one on the outside." 
 
 To-Let Notice — In the window of a partially 
 vacant house: "The upper part of this house to let, 
 containing three rooms, a cellar, kitchen, and backyard." 
 
 Slips — With all watchfulness, it is astonishing 
 what slips are made, even by good writers, in the 
 employment of an inappropriate word. In Gibbon's 
 "Rise and Fall" the following instance occurs: "Of 
 nineteen tyrants who started up after the reign of 
 Gallienus, there was not one who enjoyed a life of peace 
 or a natural deaths Alison, in his "History of 
 Europe," writes: "Two great sins, one of omission 
 and one of commission, have been committed by the 
 States of Europe in modern times." — Leisure Hour. 
 
 Emphasis — The phrase "If you were' brave " differs 
 from "If you were brave'." So also "Not the least 
 difference " may mean no difference at all, or, by varying 
 the stress, a very considerable, perhaps the greatest 
 difference. Some words, ambiguous to the eye, are 
 
114 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 resolved by accent ; as to con'jure, to practice magic, and 
 to conjure', to entreat earnestly. Merely the tone may 
 make all the difference between truth and falsehood. — 
 DAVIS, Elements of Deductive Logic. 
 
 Every passenger must show a ticket that enters the 
 cars. (Italics should follow "passenger.") 
 
 How Many Suits — Dumsquizzle : "Young Timber- 
 wheel has a suit of clothes for every day in the w^eek." 
 Skimgullet : "I never see him wear but one." 
 Dumsquizzle: "Yes; that's the suit." 
 
 Contempt of Court — The late Judge Clairborne, of 
 Northern Louisiana, is said to have swayed his sceptre 
 with a potency rivalling that of a Russian czar. On one 
 occasion a prisoner was fined $50 and committed to jail 
 for contempt of court in refusing to bow to him while 
 passing along a public highway. An application having 
 been made to remit the fine and release the prisoner, on 
 the ground that there was no contempt of court, as the 
 judge, when on a public highway, was not a court, and 
 therefore not an object of contempt, the legal potentate 
 straightened himself up in his seat, and, with the air of 
 a lord chancellor, replied, "Sir, I'll have you know 
 that I am judge of this parish ; judge all the time ; judge 
 from the rising of the sun to the going down thereof ; 
 and as such always an object of contempt. " 
 
 Mixed Classification — When Mr. Alcott was lec- 
 turing at Cambridge, he classified men as the Knower, 
 the Doer, and the Thinker; whereupon an old lady 
 asked whether ' ' the Knower " he referred to was the one 
 that built the Ark. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 116 
 
 Out of Balance — As distinctly as W. Renshaw is 
 at the head of the men, so is Miss Maud Watson the 
 premier lady player. — Newspaper. 
 
 Strictly Correct — Customer: *'You have a sign 
 in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' 
 Do you really do that ? " 
 
 Tailor: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a 
 deposit, and then go home and wait till the garments 
 are finished." — Judge. 
 
 Mixed Metaphor — During a debate on the foreign 
 policy of Lord Beaconsfield's government, Mr. Alderman 
 Cotton solemnly declared that "at one stage of the ne- 
 gotiations a great European struggle was so imminent 
 that it only required a spark to let slip the dogs of war." 
 
 An Irish Count — New Butler : " Av ye plaze, sor, 
 I'll have me month's wages, accordin' till the agray- 
 ment." The Employer : " What's that ? You haven't 
 been with me for thirty days." Butler : " Oi came on 
 the twintieth of lasht month." Employer: " I know 
 you did, but — " Butler : "An' isn't this the tinth av 
 Febroory ? An' don't twinty and tin make thirty? ' 
 
 Hints — As a rule, the student will do well to banish 
 for the present all thought T)f ornament or elegance, and 
 to aim only at expressing himself plainly and clearly. 
 The best ornament is always that which comes unsought. 
 Let him not beat about the bush, but go straight to the 
 point. Let him remember that what is written is meant 
 to be read ; that time is short ; and that, other things 
 being equal, the fewer words the better. . . . Repe- 
 tition is a far less serious fault than obscurity. Young 
 
116 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 writers are often unduly afraid of repeating the same 
 word, and require to be reminded that it is always better 
 to use the right word over again than to replace it by a 
 wrong one ; and a word which is liable to be misunder- 
 stood is a wrong one. A frank repetition of a word has 
 even sometimes a kind of charm, as being the stamp of 
 truth, the foundation of all excellence of style hall. 
 
 Punctuation — An English statesman, having ac- 
 cused an official of dishonesty, was required to make a 
 public retraction of the charge. He read his apology 
 thus': "I said he was dishonest, it is true; and I am 
 sorry for it." To the surprise of those who had accepted 
 it as satisfactory, it appeared thus in the daily papers : 
 *' I said he was dishpnest ; it is true, and I am sorry for 
 it." 
 
 A young gentleman on the point of being married 
 is desirous of meeting a man of experience who will 
 dissuade him from such a step. Address, etc. — London 
 Times. 
 
 Empty Importance — "How we apples swim!" an 
 English saying, applied to the self-praise of a pompous 
 and inflated person. "And even this, little as it is, gives 
 him so much importance in his own eyes that he assumes 
 a consequential air, sets his arms akimbo, and, strutting 
 among the historical artists, cries, ' How we apples 
 swim.' " — HOGARTH, Works. 
 
 Malapropisms — Mr. Andrew Lang, in Longman'' s 
 Magazine^ is collecting malapropisms. One of these is 
 as follows : " Visitor : ' I am very sorry for the death 
 of your poor old aunt. A very aged woman she must 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 117 
 
 have been.' The Bereaved Niece : * Yes, ma'am ; in 
 two or three years she would have been a centurion.^'''' 
 Another is: "Rural Parishioner, about to marry for 
 the second time, to congratulatory friend : ' Weel, I'm 
 marrying mostly for the sake o' the bairns. If it was 
 just masel', I could e'en gang on being a celebrity.'* " 
 
 Personal Column — Philip. Would Philip like 
 to hear of his mother's death? — New York Herald. 
 
 Thackeray gives Swift a much better character than 
 Johnson. ("Does" should follow ',' Johnson.") 
 
 Zeugma — A form of speech in which, by the omis- 
 sion of a word, another is connected with a word with 
 which it cannot properly be joined; as, " They toear a 
 garment like that of the Scythians, but a language pecul- 
 iar to themselves." 
 
 An Irish Board Bill — During a contested election 
 in Meath, early in this century, Sir Mark Somerville 
 seiii oxders to the proprietor of the hotel in Trim to 
 board and lodge all persons who should vote for him. 
 A copy of the bill rendered by the proprietor was as 
 follows : 
 
 MY BILL YOUR HONOUR. 
 
 To eating 16 freeholders above stairs . . . £2 12 
 For eating 16 more below stairs and two 
 
 Priests after supper 2 15 9 
 
 Familiar Sayings — A lady writes from Germany 
 that she is discouraged about learning the German lan- 
 guage. A German friend, who tried to converse with 
 her in English, made such a mistake that she fears 
 
118 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 that she may do ^as badly in German. The German 
 gentleman innocently gave this rendering of a familiar 
 saying, "The ghost is willing, but the meat is feeble." 
 — Argonaut. 
 
 This orthography is regarded as normal in England. 
 (Italics should follow *' regarded.") 
 
 Thieving Oppressors — Patrick : " Phat's the news 
 from Oireland, Mike? " 
 
 Michael : ** Worrus and worrus ! the dirty blaguards 
 are giving us ivery thing we axes for ! " 
 
 Both : " Bad cess to the loikes av 'em, the thaving 
 oppressors ! " 
 
 It is a frequent and capital error in the writings even 
 of some distinguished authors. — Murra]fs Grammar. 
 (Italics should follow "of.") 
 
 Making Calls — Mrs. Cassidy : "Why don't you 
 come down and see me, Mrs. M'Ginnis? " Mrs. 
 M'Ginnis : "And it's you that's talkin', Mrs. Cassidy; 
 and not a sight did I see of ye since last Aister ! Sure, 
 if I lived as near to you as you do to me I'd be droppin' 
 in every week ! " 
 
 A Grief-Stricken Widow — The funeral services 
 of the late William P. Lewis were somewhat hurried, to 
 enable his estimable and grief-stricken widow to catch 
 the two o'clock train for Chicago, where she goes to 
 visit friends. — Illinois Paper. 
 
 Behaving Like Gentlemen — Doyle and Yelverton, 
 eminent members of the Irish bar, became involved in a 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 119 
 
 fight. Doyle knocked down his antagonist twice, 
 vehemently exclaiming, "You scoundrel, I'll make 
 you behave yourself like a gentleman." To which 
 Yelverton rising, replied with equal indignation, '< No, 
 sir, never. I defy you. You couldvbt do it. 
 
 .V » 
 
 An Arrival — Some years ago two Irishmen were 
 carrying the hod, at a new brick building going up, on 
 the street fronting on the North River, New York. At 
 noon, one of the Cunard steamers, going out to sea, 
 fired off the usual guns. '' Do you hear that, Larry ? " 
 " The goons do you mane ? What is it ? " <* Why, ov 
 coorse, it's an arrival goivb out P"* 
 
 I know that he will be appointed to a certainty. 
 (Italics should follow " know.") 
 
 Mum — It was an Irishman who said, "If you're 
 talking to the public you want to keep mum." 
 
 Old Mrs. Jones — "Bridget, I wish you would go 
 and see how old Mrs. Jones is this morning." 
 
 Bridget returned in a few minutes with the informa- 
 tion that Mrs. Jones was seventy-two years, ten months, 
 and eight days old. 
 
 Lost — Lost by a poor boy tied up in a brown paper 
 with a white string a German flute with an overcoat and 
 several other articles of wearing apparel. 
 
 A Pale Martyr —The unfortunate poet who wrote, 
 " Sec the pale martyr in his sheet of fire ! " must have 
 been completely crushed when he read the line in print, 
 " See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire !" 
 
120 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Hotel Advertisement — This hotel will be kept 
 by the widow of the former landlord, Mr. Jones, who 
 died last summer on a new and improved plan. 
 
 Irish Time — Mrs. Youngthing : *' How long have 
 these eggs been boiling, Bridget ? " Bridget : "Eigh- 
 teen minutes, mum." Mrs. Youngthing: <'Why, I 
 told you to boil them only three minutes." Bridget : 
 " Oi know that, mum, but the kitchen clock is fifteen 
 minutes slow, mum." — Burlington Free Press. 
 
 Impossible — Guest: "I say, landlord, your food 
 is worse than it was last year." Landlord : "Impossi- 
 ble, sir ! " — Fliegende Blaetter, 
 
 Trial by Jury — Rather a funny bull was that made 
 by a member of Parliament in discussing the question 
 of trial by jury in Ireland. Becoming excited, he ex- 
 claimed, " With trial by jury have I lived, and, by the 
 blessing of God, with trial by jury I will die ! " — Bondon 
 Tnuth. 
 
 A Temperance Lecture — The following bill, posted 
 conspicuously in a country town, excited much interest : 
 "N. B. — A lecture on total abstinence will be delivered 
 to-morrow niglit in the 02^e?i air. A collection to defray 
 expenses will be taken at the door. Come one, come all! " 
 
 A Clearer Statement — "Now, Patrick, in regard 
 to wages, I'll give you $30 a month with board, or $50 
 without board." 
 
 "I don't understand that, sor ; but I'll take $50 a 
 month and ate meself, or I'll take $30 and lave me ate 
 you." — JVew York jSim. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 121 
 
 Erratum — For ** burglar meeting" in an article in 
 our last issue relating to the proceedings of the town 
 council, read < * regular meeting. " — Indiana Paper. 
 
 Crowded Street Car — Irish conductor, to passen- 
 ger trying to get on the rear platform: "There is a car 
 ahead coming behind, and yees had better wait for it." 
 
 Pants — An Eighth avenue sign reads, "John Smith 
 Pants to Order." It is not stated who makes Mr. Smith 
 pant to order. — N'. Y. Mail and Express. 
 
 Dear Me ! — Aunt Chloe: "Yes, Rastus, it were a 
 sad case; one o' de saddest dat I come across. De boy 
 was jes' runnin' across de railroad track, bringin' home 
 a watahmillion from mahket. When he crossed de 
 track he sot down, absent-minded like, to plug de million 
 ter see if it were ripe, an' a train come along and cut off 
 both his legs." 
 
 Uncle Rastus: " Deah me, suz; aint dat tarrible? 
 Did you heah if de million was ripe?" — America. 
 
 Her Open Confession — Tom: "You look happy 
 lo-day. What's happened to cheer you up so?" Charlie: 
 "I've been courting a girl for a long time, but she never 
 would admit that she loved me. She would only say 
 that she respected me; but last night she confessed that 
 she respected me no longer — that she loved me." 
 
 An Extraordinary Pit — A gentleman in Ireland, 
 having built a large house, was at a loss what to do with 
 the rubbish. His steward advised him to have a pit 
 dug large enough to contain it. "And what," said the 
 gentleman, " shall I do with the earth which is dug out 
 
122 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 of the pit? " To which the steward replied, '< Have the 
 pit made large enough to hold it all." 
 
 Thirty-Six — '< Gentlemen of the jury," said coun- 
 sel in an agricultural case, '' there were thirty-six hogs 
 in that lot, thirty-six. I want you to remember that 
 number, thirty six hogs ; just three times the number 
 that there are in the jury box." 
 
 Electricity — Mamma Jule : ' < Looky heah, Linkum, 
 doan't ye' nebbah ag'in lem me see yo' shinnin' up one 
 ob dem telegram poles ; mind dat ! " Linkum, aged ten: 
 "Why, mammy, whar's de ha'm ? " " Ha'm, boy? 
 Yo' climb up dar en tech one ob dem wiahs when hits 
 full ob 'lectrisitism en yo'U come walkin' home daid; 
 dars whar de ha'm is, my son ! " 
 
 Sunset — On the arrival of an emigrant shi]), some 
 years ago, when the North Carolina lay off the Battery, 
 an Irishman, hearing the gun tired at sunset, inquired of 
 one of the sailors what it was. <' What's that ? Why, 
 tliat's sunset," was the contemptuous reply. 
 
 '* Sunset!" Paddy exclaimed with distended eyes; 
 ''sunset ! Howly Moses ! and does the sun go down in 
 this country with sich a clap as that ? " 
 
 Things One Would Rather Have Expressed 
 Differently — Photographer: "Please look a little 
 pleasant, miss; I know it's hard, but it's only for a 
 moment !" — Punch. 
 
 Not Afraid — Counsel to witness : "Why are you 
 so precise in your statement ? Are you afraid of telling 
 an untruth ?" "No," prom^jtly answered the witness. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 123 
 
 Roche's Emeralds — Sir Boyle Roche, whose bulls 
 made him famous, on one occasion assured a wonder- 
 stricken body of voters that, if elected, he would put a 
 stop to smuggling practices in the Shannon by <' having 
 two frigates stationed on the opposite points at the 
 moutli of the river, and there they should remain fixed, 
 with strict orders not to stir, and so, by cruising and 
 cruising about, they would be able to intercept every- 
 thing that should attempt to pass between them." 
 
 Another time, when on the hustings, he observed, 
 '* England, it must be allowed, is the mother country, 
 and, therefore, I would advise them (England and Ire- 
 land) to live in filial affection together like sisters, as 
 they are and ought to be." This was only equaled by 
 his, when ojjposing an anti-Ministerial motion, wishing 
 the said motion ' ' was at the bottom of the bottomless 
 pit. " — London Standard. 
 
 An Irish Letter — An Irishman wrote thus to the 
 wife of a sick brother: <*If Jamie isn't dead yet, re- 
 moind him of the twinty shillin's he owes me on the 
 pigs; and, if he is, tell him not to give himself any 
 consarn about it." 
 
 A Political Crisis — A Hindu journalist, treating 
 of some political disturbance, thus commented on it . 
 *' We cannot from a distance realize the intensity of the 
 crisis, but it is a certain thing that many crowned heads 
 must be trembling in their shoes." 
 
 The beaux of that day used the abominable art of 
 painting their faces, as well as the women. — disraeli, 
 Curiosities of Literature. (Italics should follow 
 "beaux.") 
 
124 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Making a Diagnosis — *'Your husband, Mrs. Mur- 
 phy, is suffering from a complication of diseases. I 
 must first make a diagnosis — " <'Kin yer make it out 
 of ould muslin, doctor ? I haven't a bit of flannel in 
 the house." 
 
 Beat — *'I love you dearly," said one lover to an- 
 other, *'but cannot leave my home, for no husband 
 could equal my mother's kindness." 
 
 '' She may be kind," replied the other tenderly, " but 
 be my wife, and see if I don't beat your mother ! " 
 
 Gravestone Inscription — "And I want to say, 
 'to my husband,' in an appropriate place," said the 
 widow in conclusion, to Slab, the gravestone man. 
 "Yessum," said Slab. And the inscription went on : 
 "To my husband, in an appropriate place." — Chicago 
 Paper, 
 
 Few people learn anything that is worth learning 
 easily. — Quixstar. (Italics should follow "learn.") 
 
 Worn Out — Mistress: "Why, Bridget, what in 
 the world are you doing with my new dress on ? " 
 Bridget: "Sure, mum, it's yerself what gave it to 
 me." Mistress: "I gave it to you?" Bridget: 
 " Yis ; yez said Oi cud have it as soon as yez had Avorn 
 it out, an', begorra ! yez wore it out yestherday afther- 
 
 Very Bullish — A confusion of terms exists in this 
 paragraph quoted by the Paris Figaro from a recent 
 essay on French home life in the last century : 
 
 "We have spoken of that sanguinary year, 1793. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 125 
 
 In those troubled times it was that French domestics set 
 an example of the greatest devotion. There were many- 
 even who, rather than betray their masters, allowed 
 themselves to be guillotined in their place, and who, 
 when happier days returned, silently and respectfully 
 went back to their work." 
 
 Bank Notes — In the Irish rebellion the rebels, who 
 had conceived a high degree of indignation against a 
 prominent banker, passed a resolution that they would 
 burn his notes, which they accordingly did, with great 
 assiduity, forgetting that in burning his notes they were 
 destroying his debts, and that for every note that went 
 into the flames a corresponding value went into the 
 banker's pocket. — Tin Trumpet. 
 
 The Professor is Encottraging — *'Yah, dot girl 
 of yours makes kreat brogress bei her moosic. Always 
 before she vas two oder dree notes behint me, un' now 
 is she always two oder dree notes ahet." 
 
 Sometimes the most experienced microscopists find 
 it impossible to determine whether a tumorous growth 
 is malignant or benign with certainty. (Italics should 
 follow *' determine.") 
 
 Erected by Patrick Kelly, 
 
 Of the town of Drogheda, Mariner, 
 
 In Memory of his Posterity. 
 
 Also the above Patrick Kelly, 
 
 Who departed this life the 12th August, 1844, 
 
 Age 60 years. 
 
 Requiescat in pace. 
 
 — At Monhieicton^ near Drogheda^ Ireland, 
 
126 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Alligators — Black: "Say, White, can you teli 
 me what alligators eat ?" White: "All live ones do, 
 I believe." — Life. 
 
 BoEHME, THE PHILOSOPHER — It is Said that when 
 Jacob Boehme, the famous philosopher, was on his 
 death-bed some of his pupils came to him to have an ob- 
 scure passage in his writings explained before he died. 
 After puzzling over it for awhile he said, "My dear 
 children, w^hen I wrote this I understood its meaning, 
 and no doubt the omniscient God did. He may still re- 
 member it, but I have forgotten it." — The Epoch. 
 
 Hotel Advertisement — Rooms one dollar and up. 
 ( If you take a one-dollar room, you go up to the floor 
 next the roof.) 
 
 A Question — 
 
 I saw a man once beat his wife 
 When on a drunken spree ; 
 ' Now can you tell me who was drunk — 
 The man, his wife, or me ? — Judge. 
 
 Carrying the Hod — Inquisitive Party : " And do 
 you go up that ladder all day long ? " 
 
 Pat : " No, sur ; half of the toime Oi come down." 
 — Judge. 
 
 Carriages — Among carriages to be disposed of, 
 mention is made of a mail phaeton, the property of a 
 gentleman with a movable head as good as new\ 
 
 Wanted — A woman to wash iron and milk one or 
 two cows. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 127 
 
 Prescription LabiIl — George Colraan adopts the 
 name Bolus for his apothecary, who wrote his labels in 
 rhyme, one of which was, 
 
 <*When taken 
 To be well shaken ; " 
 but the patient, being well shaken instead of the mixture, 
 died. — BREWER, Dictionary. 
 
 A Clever Son — A poor woman declared to a friend 
 that, "Since the world was a world there never was 
 such a clever boy as my Bill; he has just made two 
 chairs and a fiddle out of his own head, and has plenty 
 of wood left for another." 
 
 Advertisement — Any person having five to fifty 
 tons of coal to dispose of will please send word or drop 
 it through the post-ofiice. — JVev) Haven Paper. 
 
 Accidental — "I hear, McGinty, that yez broke yer 
 leg." "Then yez heard wrong, Lafferty. Yez must 
 think I'm a fool. It was broke by accident. What 
 would I want to break me own leg fur ? " — Society. 
 
 m 
 
 A Colored Interpretation — "It is easier for a 
 camel to go through the knee of an idol than for a rich 
 man to enter heaven" is the interpretation which a col- 
 ored preacher gave to the Scriptures. 
 
 A Bull in a Well — Pat, who is being lowered 
 into a well: "Sthop, will ye, Murphy? Oi want to 
 coom up agin." 
 
 Murphy, still letting him down : "Phat for ? " 
 Pat: "Oi'U show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me 
 doon Oi'll cut the rope ! " — Texas Sif tings. 
 
128 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Unseen powers, like the deities of Homer in the war 
 of Troy, were seen to mingle at every step with the tide 
 of sublunary affairs. — alison, Review of Guizot. 
 
 Tenths — An Irishman, exhibiting the rapacity of 
 the clergy, said, "Be the farmer never so poor, they'll 
 make him pay their tenths whether he can or no." 
 
 Index — Bulls are not confined to Ireland. It was a 
 Spaniard who remarked, "An author should write his 
 own index, let who will write the book." 
 
 In a Class in Natural History — The professor is 
 nettled at the inattention of his jjupils. " Gentlemen, 
 I demand your attention. I am giving you an interest- 
 ing lecture on the personal peculiarities of the monkey. 
 The least you can do is to look at me." — New York 
 Ledger, 
 
 English Gems — Among the bulls of English par- 
 entage, recently perpetrated, are these: "After the door 
 closed," writes a novelist who is widely read just now, 
 " a dainty foot slipped into the room, and with her own 
 hand extinguished the lamp." "The Charity Associa- 
 tion," wrote a reporter, "has distributed twenty pairs 
 of shoes among the poor, which will dry up many a tear." 
 "I was sitting," writes another novelist, " at the table 
 enjoying a cup of coffee, when a gentle voice tapped me 
 on the shoulder. I looked around and saw my old friend 
 again." — Boston Globe. 
 
 Nor, ind^d, can those habits be formed with certainty 
 which are to continue during life in a shorter space. — 
 KNOX, Plays. (Italics should follow * ' habits. ") 
 
 i 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 129 
 
 A Great Country — Two Irishmen, recently arrived 
 in America, were traveling along a country road one 
 cold morning, when, as they were passing a house, their 
 conversation was interrupted by the sudden appearance 
 of several dogs. One seized hold of a stone, but finding 
 it frozen fast to the ground, he exclaimed, "My, what 
 a counthry! The sthones are tied fast and the dogs are 
 tied loose ! " 
 
 Tax Collectors — The Legislature of a Western 
 State, having a bill under consideration for the regula- 
 tion of tax-collectors, an honorable member got upon 
 his feet and said, "Mr. Speaker, I go in heavy for 
 that bill. The tax-collectors are all a set of knaves. I 
 was one myself for ten years." The bill passed. 
 
 Odd Comparison — Like the Irishman's frog, he al- 
 ways sat down when he stood up, and always stood up 
 when he sat down. 
 
 Her success is neither the result of system nor strat- 
 egy. — Iraits of Character. (Italics should follow "of.") 
 
 Vaccination — Conversation between two colored 
 citizens of Dallas, Texas ; subject, small-pox and vacci- 
 nation : "I has about made up my mind to hab myself 
 vaccinated ag'in. Has you had yourself vaccinated a 
 second time before ?" " Yes, sah ; I'se been vaccinated 
 the second time free or four times before, and hit tuck 
 ebery time, 'ceptin' de fust time." — Texas Sif tings. 
 
 Our first concern is to know precisely wliat the point 
 at issue is, as definitely as ice can.— Lyceum Debate. 
 (Italics should follow "know.") 
 
130 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Misfortunes — Single misfortunes never come alone, 
 and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally 
 followed by a much greater. — Sir Boyle Roche. 
 
 Non-Resident Landlords — A gentleman recently 
 met at dinner a most entertaining Irish lady who was 
 great on the wrongs of her people. "For instance," 
 said she, "the curse of my country is the non-resident 
 landlords ; and that's why so many of them get shot by 
 the peasantry." 
 
 A Western "Ad" — Wanted, an energetic young 
 man for a retail store partly out of doors, partly behind 
 the counter. 
 
 Program — A comical sentence appeared in the pro- 
 gram of a concert given by M. Gounod, in London. 
 The eighth song w^as printed, " She w^andered Down the 
 Mountain Side, accompanied by the composer." 
 
 Nearly Killed — Pat : " 'Twas the divil of a blow 
 the dago gave yer. Yer wuz near kilt." 
 
 Mike: " Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite 
 see the villain hung." 
 
 Trade Very Dull — It was a Scotch gravedigger 
 who said, "Trade's vera dull noo. I have na buried a 
 leeven creetur in a fortnight." 
 
 .A tear is due, at leasts to the fallen brave. 
 (Italics should follow "tear.") 
 
 A Goose — Thomas Sprat, afterwards Bishop of 
 Rochester, was appointed chaplain by the profligate 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 131 
 
 Duke of Buckingham. At the chaplain's first dinner 
 the duke observed a goose opposite the new functionary, 
 and said he had often wondered how it happened that 
 geese were generally placed near the clergy. <'I cannot 
 tell the reason," said Sprat, "but I shall never see a 
 goose again without thinking of your grace." 
 
 To THE End of the String — Jeweler: "This clock 
 will go twelve months without winding." 
 
 Oldboy: "Well, how long would it go if it were 
 wound? " — NeiG York Herald. 
 
 Editorial Announcement — An Irish editor, being 
 unable to obtain a sufficiency of news for his daily paper, 
 made the following extraordinary announcement: "Ow- 
 ing to an unusual pressure of matter, we are obliged to- 
 day to leave several columns blank." 
 
 An Exception — a young lady, advertising for a 
 situation, announces, "that she can do all kinds of sew- 
 ing and embroidery except music." 
 
 Unconventional Signs — " Designs for funerals of 
 fresh-cut flowers" is one of the«unconventional si^ns in 
 
 Philadelphia. 
 
 Of Glass to See Through — Mike: "Why do thim 
 false ayes be made of glass now?" Pat: " Shure, an' 
 how else could they say throo 'em, ye thick head." — 
 Yale Record. 
 
 Use of Specific Words — If a writer wishes to 
 communicate his meaning exactly, and still more if he 
 wishes to interest his readers, he will beware of using 
 
132 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 any word that is more general than the object he has in 
 mind. If he is writing about horses, he will not speak 
 of them as quadriqyeds ^ if about a particular horse, he 
 will call him by his name, or will in some other way 
 identify him as the horse he is talking about. He will 
 not call a piano an instrument; a spade an agricultural 
 im^plement, or a gun a deadly tube. If he tells a story, 
 he will not give his characters general names, as 
 
 Mr. , Miss , or Mr. A., Miss B.; but he will 
 
 invent individual names, and thus make his narrative life- 
 like. — ADAMS SHERMAN HILL, Fouudations of Rlietoric 
 
 An Irish Sentry — When the French landed at 
 Bantry Bay, an Irish peasant, who was posted with a 
 musket uj^on one of the cliffs, and had wandered a little 
 out of his position, was accosted by an English officer, 
 "What are you here for?" "Faith, your honour," 
 said Pat, with his accustomed grin of good-humor, 
 " they tell me I am here for a century ^ 
 
 Prayers — The prayer of the Connecticut clergy- 
 man who said, " O, Lord, we thank thee that thou art 
 orthodox," has been equaled by an old lady in Salina, 
 Kan., who prefaced her petition with, " O, Lord, thou 
 hast probably read in the newspapers how thy day was 
 desecrated yesterday. " 
 
 Taken Down a Peg or Two — A youthful Harvard 
 graduate was arguing with a hard-headed, self-taught 
 man of business, and it is fair to suppose was getting 
 the worst of the argument. At all events he was driven 
 to saying, 
 
 "Now, as a matter of fact, Mr. , you don't 
 
 know half as much as I do." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 133 
 
 ''That's so," said the business man, "but, then, as 
 far as that is concerned, neither do you." — Youth's 
 Companion. 
 
 Beneficial Society — Newly - arrived Irishman : 
 *' But fwhat good do I git out av it if I join the Milay- 
 sian Mutual Binifit Association ? " 
 
 Acclimated Milesian: "We bury a mimber ivery 
 Soonday, an' it's a beautiful drive to the cimetary." 
 
 Hibernian Exultation — An Irish gentleman, being 
 once at Epsom races, and observing in the list of horses 
 that started for the plate one called Botheram, took so 
 great a fancy to the name that he bet considerable odds 
 in his favor. Towards the conclusion of the race, his 
 favorite was unluckily in the rear, on which he vocifera- 
 ted, in so loud a key as to drown every other voice, 
 "Ah, be jabers ! there he goes — Botheram for ever! 
 see how he drives them all before him ! Botheram for 
 ever ! " 
 
 If we are to believe the text, our hero was the guide, 
 philosopher, and friend of Dr. Andrew Thompson ichen 
 only a lad of thirteen. — Literary Spectator. (Italics 
 should follow " hero.") 
 
 Brothers — She: "Mr. Slow, are those two men 
 that have just passed, brothers ?" 
 
 He: "I — aw — know that one of them is, but 
 I'm — *aw — not quite sure of the other." 
 
 Affection — An affectionate Irishman once enlisted 
 in the 75th regiment, in order to be near his brother, 
 who was a corporal in the 76th. 
 
134 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Precise but Impolitic — "I want a hair-cut," said 
 the middle-aged man, as he dropped into the barber's 
 chair. "Yes, sir," was the answer, "Which one ? " — 
 Judge. 
 
 Impossible — Chapley : "Do you know if Miss Cole 
 is at home ?" 
 
 Maid: "She wasn't in five minutes ago, when 
 another young man called." 
 
 Chaj^ley : " But might not she have come in ? " 
 
 Maid: "How could that be ? Oi'd take me oath 
 she didn't go out since." — Smith (& Gray's Monthly. 
 
 Punctuation — The importance of punctuation in 
 determining the meaning of language is shown by the 
 following quotations : 
 
 (a) When the resemblance is strong, and essential 
 in character . . . ( The comma after strong shows 
 that the resemblance is simply said to be strong, and not 
 strong in character. And as to the grammatical con- 
 struction, the comma show^s that the adverbial in char- 
 acter modifies essential and not strong.) 
 
 (b) I find, too, much objection to the proposed 
 amendment . . . ( Remove the cdmma from before 
 and after too, and not only is the meaning materially 
 changed, but too becomes, instead of a conjunctional 
 adverb, a pure adverb). — turner. Punctuation. 
 
 Society — A Newport correspondent refers to the 
 "well-known firm of society real estate agents." 
 
 Obscurity — In the following, "Resolved, that the 
 world has been more injured by intemperance than 
 slavery," the sentence is obscure, because we are not 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. lS5 
 
 able to tell whether it means that the world has been 
 more injured by intemperance than by slavery^ or 
 whether the world has been more injured by intemper- 
 ance than slavery has. — raub, Practical Rhetoric. 
 
 Preferred Hanging — Irishman, disgusted with life 
 in America: "I'd rather be hanged in the old country 
 than die a natural death in America." 
 
 Humorous Indexing — If authors were to make their 
 own indexes, we should be deprived of many good stories 
 of mistakes and misapprehensions, which, however exas- 
 perating to the anxious inquirer, have afforded pleasant 
 food for mirth for many generations. The story about 
 Mr. Best's great mind is a classic. As usually quoted it 
 occurred as an entry in the index to Binn's "Justice:" 
 
 Best, Mr. Justice, his great mind. 
 And when the reader turned to the designated page, full 
 of anticipatory admiration, he found only "Mr. Justice 
 Best said that he had a great mind to commit the man 
 for trial." 
 
 Aaother classic is the oft-quoted entry. 
 Mill on Liberty. 
 " on the Floss. 
 
 Some index makers make no cross-references, but 
 enter the same subject under all its possible heads. This 
 often leads to unnecessary duplications and increases the 
 bulk of the index without corresponding gain. An in- 
 stance may be cited from the index of St. George Miv- 
 art's "Origin of Human Reason," where a short story 
 of a cockatoo appears no fewer than fifteen times : 
 
 Absurd tale about a Cockatoo, 136. 
 
 Anecdote, absurd one, about a Cockatoo, 136. 
 
 Bathos and a Cockatoo, 136. 
 
136 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Cockatoo, absurd tale concerning one, 136. 
 Discourse held with a Cockatoo, 136. 
 Incredibly absurd tale of a Cockatoo, 136. 
 Invalid Cockatoo, absurd tale about, 136. 
 
 Mr. R . and tale about a Cockatoo, 136. 
 
 Preposterous tale about a Cockatoo, 136. 
 Questions answered by a Cockatoo, 136. 
 
 R , Mr., and tale about a Cockatoo, 136. 
 
 Rational Cockatoo, as asserted, 136. 
 Tale about a rational Cockatoo, as asserted, 136. 
 Very absurd tale about a Cockatoo, 136. 
 Wonderfully foolish tale about a Cockatoo, 136. — 
 WALSH, Literary Curiosities. 
 
 A man beats a witness who had stated the truth in 
 court nearly to death. — Spectator. (Italics should fol- 
 low "beats.") 
 
 Shoe-Store Advertisement — Ladies wishing these 
 cheap shoes will do well to call soon, as they will not 
 last long. 
 
 * 
 
 Dangers op the Revolution — When painting the 
 dangers of an invasion of the French, during the Revo- 
 lution, Sir Boyle Roche exclaimed, "The murderous 
 marshal-law men (3farsellais) would break in, cut us to 
 mince-meat, and throw our bleeding heads upon that 
 table to stare us in the face." — Hecollections of Sir Jonah 
 Barrington. He was surpassed by the orator in one of 
 the sections of Paris, during the Revolution, who said, 
 "I would take my own head by the hair, cut it off, and 
 presenting it to the despot, would say to him, ' Tyrant, 
 behold the act of a free man I' " — taixe, French Revo- 
 lution. This reduces the miraculous walk of St. Denis, 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 137 
 
 with his head in his hands, to a mere constitutional. 
 — BENT, Short Sayings of Great Men. 
 
 Eighteen Months — An Irishman, being asked if he 
 knew a particular person, answered, **Know him ! to be 
 sure I do. I lived eighteen months with him." " When 
 was that ?" ' ' In the year 1784. " 
 
 Knee-Pants — Outside one of the stores which are 
 given to generous outbursts periodically, a red placard 
 is at the present time informing Pittsburghers that a 
 $30,000 fire sale is in progress, and that among other ar- 
 ticles practically given away are, 
 
 ''17 cent knee pants — 
 Cannot last long." — Pittsburgh Dispatch. 
 
 An Undertaker's Sign — The wants of the de- 
 ceased attended to at prices which defy competition. 
 
 Tipsy — Droll, though not very logical or conclusive, 
 was the reply of the tipsy Irishman, who, as he sup- 
 ported himself by the iron railings of Merrion square, 
 was advised by a passer to betake himself home. 
 
 "Ah, now, be aisy ; I live in the square; isn't it 
 going round and round, and when I see my own door 
 come up, won't I pop into it in a jiffy?" 
 
 Housekeeper — A highly respectable middle-aged 
 person who has been filling the above situation with a 
 gentleman for upwards of eleven years and who is now 
 deceased is anxious to meet a similar one. 
 
 Hibernianisms — A number of Irish bulls hold a 
 sort of hilarious wake over the subject of death : that of 
 
138 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 a Hibernian gentleman who told a friend studying for 
 the priesthood, " I hope I may live to hear you preach 
 my funeral sermon ; " of another who expressed the 
 grateful sentiment, '*May you live to eat the chicken 
 that scratches over your grave ; " of a physician who 
 said oracularly of a murdered man, "This person was 
 so ill, that if he had not been murdered he would have 
 died a half an hour before," and of a lady who, in her 
 will, ordered that her body should be opened at her 
 death, for fear she should be buried alive. 
 
 Clerical Blunder — In an old book of sermons by 
 a divine named Milsom, Ave are told that "it is one 
 among many proofs of the wisdom and benevolence of 
 Providence that the world was not created in the midst 
 of winter, when Adam and Eve could have nothing to 
 eat, but in harvest-time, when there was fruit on every 
 tree and shrub to tempt the willing hand." 
 
 A Novel Extract — An extract from a late French 
 novel runs thus : " The countess fell back in a deadly 
 swoon. When she revived her spirit had fled." 
 
 A Distant Relative — Meeting a negro who was 
 very sad, a friend said, 
 
 " You have lost some of your friends, I see ? " 
 " Yes, Massa, I'se a heap of sorrow." 
 "Was it a near or a distant relative ? " 
 "Well, purty distant — 'bout twenty- four miles." 
 
 Shipwreck — A party of young men were telling 
 what they would do were they shipwrecked far out upon 
 the sea, and left buffeting with the waves without a 
 plank to assist them. Every one gave his opinion 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 139 
 
 except Paddy Murphy, who, after being asked for his, 
 replied, "Bad cess to you for a cowardly set of spal- 
 peens ; ye'd all be afther savin' yerselves, an' not thryin' 
 to save another. Why it's Paddy Murphy that would 
 swim ashore an' save himself, an thin come back an' 
 thry to save another." 
 
 Feeding the Cows — Farmer: "You kin feed 
 them cows some corn in the ear to-night." 
 
 New Hand : "I tried that yisterday, sir, but they 
 'peared to like it better in the mouth." 
 
 To Piano - Forte Makers — A lady keeping a 
 first-class school requiring a good piano, is desirous of 
 receiving a daughter of the above in exchange for the 
 same. 
 
 A Warning — An Irish judge said, when address- 
 ing a prisoner, " You are to be hanged, and I hope it 
 will prove a warning to you." 
 
 Prairies — " Pat, have you any prairies in Ireland 
 like we have in Illinois?" "To be shoor we have. 
 Didn't yez iver hear of Tipperary f " 
 
 Absent-Minded — Employer: "You say that your 
 habits are all correct ? " Applicant: "Yes, sir." Em- 
 ployer, after a moment's pause: "Do you.drink?" 
 Applicant, absent-minded: "Thanks. Don't care if I 
 do. " — Burlington Free Press. 
 
 Typographical Gems — A quack doctor advertises 
 an " infernal remedy; " a grocer gives notice of the arri- 
 val of an invoice of "boxes of pigs" from Smyrna; a 
 
140 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 New York landlord announces a "louse to let with im- 
 mediate possession ; " and in the report of an inquest 
 held on the body of a glutton, the verdict, << suffoca- 
 tion," was printed with more truth than was intended, 
 <*stuffocation." 
 
 The Moor, seizing a bolster full of rage and jealousy, 
 smothers her. — Critique on Othello. 
 
 A Resta.uba.nt Sign — Oyster pies open all night. 
 
 Conclusive — Not long ago, in the Court of Ap- 
 peals, an Irish lawyer, while arguing with earnestness 
 his cause, stated a point which the court ruled out. 
 
 "Well," said the attorney, " if it plaze the coort, if 
 I am wrong in this, I have another point aqually as 
 conclusive." 
 
 A Correct Time-Piece — An Irishman on a West- 
 ern railroad, bragging of having a correct time-piece, 
 was heard to remark, upon pulling out his watch, "If 
 the sun aint over that hill in a minute and a half, he 
 will be late." 
 
 Putting One's Foot in It — "I never open my 
 mouth but I put my foot in it" was the curious com- 
 plaint of some unlucky wight, who might have received 
 consolation had he reflected on the number of offenders 
 that daily keep him company. The guardsman's remark 
 to the English nobleman who was in the habit of affal)ly 
 conversing with soldiers, "I like you, my lord ; there's 
 nothing of the gentleman about you," offers an examj^le 
 of the kind. "How many deaths?" asked a hospital 
 physician. "Nine." "Why, I ordered medicine for 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 141 
 
 ten." *< Yes ; but one would not take it," was the start- 
 ling reply. 
 
 A child may often be expected to put his or her heed- 
 less little foot in it, as the phrase goes. For instance, a 
 youngster one day begged an invitation to dinner at the 
 house of a little friend with whom he had been playing. 
 At the table his hostess anxiously inquired, "Charley, 
 can you cut your own meat?" " Humph !" said the 
 youngster, who was sawing away ; " can't I ? I've cut 
 up quite as tough meat as this at home." People who 
 are destitute of tact might take warning from such juve- 
 nile malaprops, but such does not often appear to be the 
 case, judging by the numerous examples to the contrary. 
 
 A millionaire railway king has a brother who is hard 
 of hearing, while he himself is remarkable as having a 
 very prominent nose. Once this railway king dined at 
 a friend's house where he sat between two young ladies* 
 who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance, 
 but he said nothing. Finally, one of them shouted a 
 commonplace remark and then said, in an ordinary tone, 
 to the other, " Did you ever see such a nose in all your 
 life ?" *' Pardon m^, ladies," said the millionaire ; *' it 
 is my brother who is deaf ! " 
 
 A Catamaean — Mr. Joblots: " Silsby told me to- 
 day that he had just bought a catamaran and was going 
 to keep it down at the river." 
 
 Mrs. Joblots; "Male or female, James?" 
 
 Not Enforced — An indignant citizen writes to a 
 New York newspaper, asking why corporations do not 
 enforce the rules which they post in the eye of the public. 
 
 "A New York ferry company, he says, "has on the 
 ends of its slips conspicuous placards which read, * Pass- 
 
142 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 engers must not leave the boat until properly fastened to 
 the bridge ;' but though he patronizes the ferry every 
 day, he has never yet seen a single passenger fastened to 
 \he bridge." 
 
 The Greater Contains the Less — Thus, if a man 
 tenders more money than he ought to pay, he tenders 
 what he owes, for the greater contains the less ; but a 
 quart wine-bottle, which is greater than a pint and a 
 half, does not always contain a pint and a half ; so that, 
 in this instance, the less is not contained in the greater. 
 — London Punch. 
 
 Lost — A gold watch, having a chain from Park 
 Street to City Hall. 
 
 Trusting Providence — A minister in San Diego 
 startled his congregation by saying, "I have forgotten 
 my notes and shall have to trust to Providence, but this 
 evening I hope to come better prepared." 
 
 Forgot the Address — A gentleman, while out 
 hunting one day, had the good fortune to catch a hare, 
 which he had come upon as it lay asleep. Thinking the 
 animal might amuse some ladies of his acquaintance, he 
 dispatched his Irish servant w^ith it safely tied down in- 
 side a basket and duly labeled. The curiosity of Pat, 
 however, overcame his discretion on the way. He undid 
 the string that held down the lid, when out popped 
 pussy, and away she flew like lightning across the fields. 
 "Be jabers ! " exclaimed Pat, as he scratched his head 
 and looked after the retreating animal, "you may run, 
 faith, but you don't know where to go,, for you've forgot 
 to take the address wid ye ! " 
 
. BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 143 
 
 Ball Tickets — At a ball given in a small country 
 town in Ireland, for which the tickets were not ti*ans- 
 ferable, the inscription on the ticket ran as follows : 
 * 'Admit this gentleman to ball in Assembly Rooms ; 
 tickets 2s. 6d. each. No gentleman admitted unless he 
 comes himself." 
 
 The prospect of being guillotined seemed to be singu- 
 larly disagreeable to him, though he had helped a mul- 
 titude of people to find that road out of the world loith 
 the utmost composure. — The Atelier du Lys^^^ (Italics 
 should follow ''had.") 
 
 False Logic — The holder of some shares in a lot- 
 tery i^ sure to gain a prize. 
 
 I am a holder of some shares in a lottery. 
 Therefore, I'm sure to gain a prize. 
 
 Blissful Ignorance — Mistress, angrily : ' ' See, 
 Bridget, I can write my name in the dust ! " 
 
 Servant, admiringly: "Oh, mum, that's more than I 
 can do. There's nothing like eddication, after all, is 
 there, mum? " 
 
 Not Flattering — Embarrassment or want of 
 thought may cause people to say things which are the 
 reverse of what they really mean. An English laborer 
 called on a couutry clergyman closely related to a ducal 
 house. The applicant wanted a letter of recommenda- 
 tion to a neighboring nobleman, from whom he hoped 
 to obtain employment. "Why not go personally and 
 see my lord?" the friend asked. "Well, you see," was 
 the nervous answer, " I do not like speaking to Lord 
 X ; he may be proud, and not care to listen to the 
 
144 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. . 
 
 likes of me. It would be quite a different thing if it 
 were yourself, for there's nothing of the gentleman in 
 you." 
 
 Sometimes an awkward thing is spoken in all sim- 
 plicity. A lady had in her employ an excellent girl who 
 had one fault — her face was always in a smudge. Her 
 mistress tried to tell her to wash her face without offend- 
 ing her, and at last resorted to strategy. "Do you 
 know, Bridget, she remarked, in a confidential manner, 
 **it is said that if you wash the face every day in hot, 
 soapy water, it will make you look beautiful? " " Will 
 it now? " answered Bridget. "Sure it's a wonder you 
 nivver tried it yourself, mum." 
 
 SiE Boyle Roche — Ladies used to be admitted to 
 the gallery of the Irish House of Commons. On one 
 occasion a great debate was expected and the gallery 
 was crowded with ladies. The question, however, was 
 postponed to the next day. As soon as the postponement 
 took place. Sir Boyle Roche turned to the gallery, and 
 exclaimed, "Ladies, upon my soul, I wish you had 
 come to-morrow." 
 
 Mr. Clay 2>rompted him to seek a solution of the 
 sectional issues which had been pressed by Northern pol- 
 iticians upon Congress hy another compromise. — james 
 WILLIAMS, The Rise and Fall of the Republic. (Italics 
 should follow "seek," and "by" should be " in.") 
 
 A Duel — The following bull, says Miss Edgeworth, 
 is redolent of the soil, and proves that in Ireland, at 
 least, the determination to overcome impossibilities is 
 not yet extinct. An Irish-nin having challeMgcd a 
 gentleman to fight a duel; who somehow forgot to attend 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 145 
 
 the appointment, met accidentally the same day the 
 offending party, and thus addressed him: '*Well, sir, 
 I met you this morning, but you did not come ; however, 
 I am determined to meet you to-morrow morning whether 
 you come or not." 
 
 Not in — Percy Van Leer, at the door: *' You say 
 that Miss Courtlandt is not in? " 
 
 New Servitor, stoutly: *'Yis, sor, that's what I 
 said." 
 
 P. V. L. : " Can you tell me when she will be in?" 
 
 N. S.: "No; but Oi'U go an' ask her, sor." 
 
 Famous — As the famous quadrature of the late Mr. 
 John Machin, professor of astronomy in Gresham Col- 
 lege, is extremely expeditious and hut little known, I 
 shall take this opportunity of explaining it. — de. hut- 
 ton. Mensuration. 
 
 Jumping at Conclusions — An amusing story is 
 told of a lady, a Roman Catholic, who in her last illness 
 promised the priest to leave a sum of money for chari- 
 table uses. When she was dying, she begged the priest 
 to come nearer to the bedside, and gasped out, " Father 
 — I've — given — you — " "Stay," said the priest, 
 anxious to have as many witnesses as possible to the ex- 
 pected statement, "I will call in the family;" and, 
 Oldening the door, he beckoned them all in. " I've given 
 you," repeated the old lady, with increasing difficulty, 
 "given — you — a great deal of trouble." 
 
 An American Boyle Roche — A writer in a Kansas 
 paper remarks upgn the result of a recent election that 
 "the fall of corruption has been dispelled, and the 
 
 10 
 
146 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 wheels of the state government will no longer be tram- 
 melled by sharks that have beset the public prosperity 
 like locusts." 
 
 He listened to objections to opinions which he had 
 himself formed with the utmost kindness and attention. 
 — LORD LENNOX, Celebrities I Have Known. (Italics 
 should follow "listened.") 
 
 Colored Gratitude — An old negro woman in 
 Alabama, whose extreme age and helplessness caused 
 friends to supply all her needs, never failed to express 
 her gratitude in original language. "You is powerful 
 good to a pore ole 'oman like me, wid one foot in de 
 grabe an' de oder a cry in' out, ' Lawd, how long, how 
 long? ' " 
 
 Garret — Dr. Johnson, in his Dictionary, defines a 
 garret as "a room on the highest floor in the house," 
 and a cock-loft as " the room over the garret." 
 
 Letter to a Son at College — " My Dear Son : I 
 write to send you two pairs of my old breeches, that you 
 may have a new coat made of them ; also some socks, 
 which your mother has just knit by cutting down some 
 of mine. Your mother sends you two pounds without 
 my knowledge, and for fear you may not use it wisely, I 
 have kept back half and only send you one. Your 
 mother and I are well, except that your sister has got 
 the measles, which we think would spread among the 
 other girls if Tom had not had it before, and he is the 
 only one left. I hope you will do honor to my teaching; 
 if not, you are an ass, and your mother and myself your 
 affectionate parents." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 147 
 
 A Statement in Physics — Patrick: <' Did ye'es. 
 iver notice that hate expands the rails an' cold makes 
 them shorter? " 
 
 Dennis : *' Oi did. An' that's why the days are 
 longer in the hot weather than they are in the winther. 
 Ye's haven't all the larnin' that's goin', me boy." 
 — Pittsburgh Bulletin. 
 
 The Spirit of I^unchausen — Extract from a young 
 lady's letter from Venice : " Last night I lay in a 
 gondola on the Grand Canal drinking it all in, and life 
 never seemed so full before. " — Harper's Monthly, 
 
 The Irish of It — Mistress : '* Bridget, I told you 
 to tell those ladies that I was out." Bridget : ^' So I 
 did, mum ; I said you was out, but I thought you'd be 
 back in a few minutes, an' begorra, mum, they said 
 they'd come in an' wait." 
 
 Light Logic — Light comes from the sun. 
 Feathers are light. 
 Therefore, feathers come from the sun. 
 
 Conditions op Sale — Among the conditions of 
 sale by an Irish auctioneer was the following: "The 
 highest bidder to be the purchaser, unless some gentle- 
 man bids more." 
 
 Lost, a silver-handled silk ladies' parasol. (Italics 
 should follow *' ladies'.") 
 
 Strictly Business — Murphy was asked why it was 
 so difficult to waken him in the morning. "Indeed, 
 master, it's because of taking your own advice, always 
 
148 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 to attend to what I'm about ; so whenever I sleeps, I 
 pays attention to it." 
 
 Acknowledging the Compliment — The Drill Ser- 
 geant, after worrying Nesbitt for two hours. "Right 
 about face." Nesbitt, perfectly immovable : " Thank 
 the Lord, I'm right about something at last." 
 
 Somewhat Tangled — Mr. Imlach, late minister of 
 the Muirhouse, near Dundee, was remarkable for his ab- 
 sence of mind. In his prayer one day he said, "O 
 Lord ! bless all ranks and degrees of persons, from the 
 king in the hovel to the beggar on the throne." Then 
 recollecting himself, he added, "I mean from the beg- 
 gar on the throne to the king in the hovel ! " 
 
 Opera Glasses — Mad Irishman: "Bad cess to 
 these opery glasses ! Take 'em back ; I don't want 'em 
 at all. I be afther lookin' at a mad bull acavortin', and 
 begorra he tossed me over the fence whin he was half a 
 moile away." * 
 
 Immense — "Ah, mam'selle, you are really beautiful 
 this evening. That rosy mouth, those heaveuly eyes, 
 those hands, those feet — oh, they're all immense ! " 
 — Fliegende JBlaetter. 
 
 Thales was not only famous for his knowledge of 
 nature, but for his moral wisdom. — enfield. (Read, 
 . . . famous "not only" . . ., "but also " for, 
 etc.) 
 
 Very Latest — Two men were poring over the news 
 in one of our city papers, and coniing to the heading, 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 149 
 
 *' Latest," and immediately following it, "Very Latest," 
 one said to the other, "An' sure, Tim, will ye be afther 
 explainin' w^hat this means?" "Arrah, bedad," said 
 Tim, "an' it's meself that can explain that to ye. Sure 
 the latest is what comes in time to be printed, and the 
 very latest is what comes afther the paper is out." 
 
 Letter of Thanks — Extract from a bride's letter 
 of thanks : "Your beautiful clock was received and is 
 now in the drawing-room on the mantelpiece where we 
 hope to see you often. " 
 
 An Irish Exclamation — An Irishman, seeing a 
 vessel which was heavily laden, and scarcely above the 
 water's edge, exclaimed, "Upon my sowl, if the river 
 was a little higher, the ship would go to the bottom." 
 
 Illogical — Nothing is better than wisdom. 
 Gold is better than nothing. 
 Therefore, gold is better than wisdom. 
 
 Riot — Recording the death of a man at a riot, a 
 Belfast paper says, "They fired two shots at him ; the 
 first shot killed him, T3ut the second shot was not fatal." 
 
 Lie and Lay — A medical writer says, "The health- 
 iest position to lay in is with the head to the north." 
 People who own hens should make a note of this. 
 
 Following Instructions — Wishing some bushes 
 removed from his garden, a gentleman told his gar- 
 dener, a Hibernian, to pull them up by the roots. Some 
 time after he went into the garden and found the gar- 
 dener digging trenches around the bushes "Why, Pat- 
 
160 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 rick," he said, "you need not dig around those small 
 bushes in that way ! You are strong enough to pull 
 them up by the roots." "Oh, yes, sir," replied the 
 gardener, "I am strong enough ; but I must dig a little 
 before I can get hold of the roots. If you had told me 
 to pull them up by the branches, I could easily have re- 
 moved them without digging." 
 
 A Fine Distinction — Magistrate: "It's |10 or 
 thirty days, Uncle Rastus." 
 
 Uncle Rastus : ''I'll take the $10." 
 
 Saving the Paint — "Phwat's come over yez, Din- 
 nis, to make ye worruck so fast loike ? " asked Mrs. 
 Hooligan. "Whisht! " replied Mr. Hooligan, who was 
 painting his goat coop. "Stand out o' me way, an' 
 don't shtop me ! Oi'm shtrivin' t' get t'rough before 
 me paint gives out. 
 
 The Irish Bull in Politics — The London Tory 
 journals are getting no small amount of amusement out 
 of a very fair specimen of an Irish bull perpetrated by 
 Mr. Dillon in his recent speech at Maryborough. Said 
 that gentleman, "The Irish j^eople had seen their country 
 in rags and misery, their children going to destruction, 
 and themselves filling paupers'* graves, but no man's hand 
 had been raised to save them, while many had been ex- 
 asperated to crime and ended their days on the gallows." 
 "How," ask Mr. Dillon's critics, "could the Irish 
 people see themselves filling paupers' graves ? " — N'ew 
 York Press. 
 
 Macaulay wrote the history of England with the 
 two-fold purpose of clearing the naTiie of the Whigs 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 161 
 
 from the charges made by Hume, and to set forth the 
 real life of the English people. (Read, . . of clear- 
 ing . . . and of setting forth, etc.) 
 
 Secrets — The Sieur Gaulard, being told by some- 
 body that the Dean of Alencon was dead, said, ** Don't 
 believe it ; for if it were so, I should have heard from 
 him, as he keeps no secrets from me." — hazlitt, 
 Studies in Jocular Literature. 
 
 An Emerald — *' How are you getting on in your 
 new place? " asked a lady of a girl whom she had 
 recommended for a situation. " Very well, thank you." 
 "I am truly glad to hear it," said the lady. "Your 
 employer is a nice person, and you cannot do too much 
 for her." *'I don't mean to, ma'am," was the innocent 
 reply. 
 
 Happiness, Home, and Peace — Somebody once 
 remarked that the Englishman is never happy but when 
 he is miserable ; the Scotchman is never at home but 
 when he is abroad ; and the Irishman is never at peace 
 but when he is fighting. 
 
 He rolled back the tide of reproach and contempt 
 with which the Pharisees thought to overwhelm him, 
 his converts, and his cause, upon their oum heads. — fox, 
 Christ and Christianity. (Italics should follow '* rolled 
 back.") 
 
 Parliamentary Utterances — *<Mr. Speaker, I 
 boldly answer in the affirmative — No." "Mr. Speaker, 
 if I have any prejudice against the honorable member, 
 it is in his favor." 
 
152 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A' Visit to London — An Irishman, when asked if 
 he had ever visited London, observed that he never had 
 but once, and then only got as far as Dublin. 
 
 Here lies John Thomas 
 And his children dear ; 
 Two buried at Oswestry, 
 And one here. — At Llanmynech, Mont- 
 gomeryshire. 
 
 Brains — Dr. A. J. Palmer, announcing the lecture 
 of Dr. F. R. Bristol, said, "The lecture is on Brains 
 for the benefit of the Trinity Church." The hearty 
 laugh reminded him of his slip, and he said, "The sub- 
 ject is Brains; the door-money is for Trinity Church." — 
 N. Y. Independent. 
 
 Assurance — To make assurance doubly sure. — 
 SHAKESPEARE, Mcicheth. If an Irishman, instead of 
 Shakespeare, had talked of making "assurance doubly 
 sure," we should have asked how that could be. — maria 
 EDGEWORTH, JEssciy on Irish JBulls. 
 
 A Logical Fallacy — 
 
 Money will buy whatever is for sale. 
 A ten cent piece is money. 
 
 Therefore, a ten-cent piece will buy whatever 
 is for sale. 
 
 Mrs. O'Brien's Son — Mrs. Grady, through a hole 
 in the back fence: " An' how's yer son, Moike, as wint 
 wist for his health, gettin' along at-all at-all? " 
 
 Mrs. O'Brien, taking the clothes-pin out of .her 
 mouth: " Splindid, me dear; splindid. He must be 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 153 
 
 gittiii' sthrong ez an ox, fur he's jist sint me a litter in 
 which he sez he's been after holding up a stage in the 
 Rocky mountains, an' aul be hisself too, moind ye." 
 
 Figurative Confusioj?^ — Sight so deform, what 
 heart of rock could long Dry-eyed behold ! — milton, 
 Paradise Lost. 
 
 He has promised to pay the money borrowed from 
 me last year a hundred times. (Italics should follow 
 "promised.") 
 
 "Mr. Jones has just received a letter from Mr. 
 Smith, saying that he is expected to deliver the next 
 annual address. " ( Who is to deliver the address ? 
 Jones, or Smith ?) 
 
 Clearness and Brevity — The proper arrangement 
 of words into sentences and paragraphs gives clearness 
 and strength. To attain a clear and pithy style, it 
 may be necessary to cut down, to re-arrange, and to 
 re-write whole passages of an essay. Gibbon wrote his 
 "Memoirs" six times, and the first chapter of his "His- 
 tory" three times. Beginners are always slow to prune 
 or cast away any thought or expression which may 
 have cost labor. They forget that brevity is no sign 
 of thoughtlessness. Much consideration is needed to 
 compress the details of any subject into small com- 
 pass. Essences are more difiicult to prepare, and there- 
 fore more valuable, than weak solutions. Pliny wrote 
 to one of his friends, "I have not time to write you a 
 short letter, therefore I have written you a long one. " 
 Apparent elaborateness is always distasteful and weak. 
 Vividness and strength are the product of an easy com- 
 
154 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 mand of those small, trenchant Saxon monosyllables 
 which abound in the English language. — Leisure Hour. 
 
 Arch Fund — "I wish to say to the congregation," 
 said a minister, "that the pulpit is not responsible for 
 the error of the printer on the tickets for the concert in 
 the Sunday-school room. The concert is for the benefit 
 of the Arch Fund, not the Arch Fiend. We will now 
 sing hymn six, 'To err is human, to forgive divine.' " 
 
 Half — Irish Foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: 
 *'How many men is down in that hole ? " Voice from 
 the sewer: '* Three, sorr." Irish Foreman : <' Thin lave 
 half of yez cum up." 
 
 Scotch Logic — Visitor, to inhabitant of very small 
 village: "But surely you must find it very dull here, 
 never getting any newspapers. How d'you know what's 
 going on in London, for instance ? " 
 
 Inhabitant : "Eh, mon, but dinna ye ken that th' folk 
 in London are jist as ignorant o' what's gaun on wi' us? ^^ 
 — London Judy. 
 
 The Honors of War — An Irish orator was describ- 
 ing the horrors of a certain battle in the late Franco- 
 Prussian war, and had at last succeeded in fixing the 
 attention of his audience, when he suddenly excited a 
 most rapturous burst of applause by thundering out, 
 "And the sun sunk to rest, 'midst the groans of the 
 dying and the shrieks of the dead." 
 
 Deception — An English and an Irish sailor were in 
 an engagement together. The former had his leg shot 
 off, and asked Pat to carry him below to the doctor. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 155 
 
 Pat picked him up, and while carrying him off, another 
 ball, miknown to Pat, carried off the Englishman's 
 head. Some one told Pat it was no use carrying the man 
 to the surgeon, for his head was off. "By my sowl," 
 said Pat, "the fellow desaved me; he told me it was 
 his leg." 
 
 A Minister's Announcement — A Scottish minister 
 innocently announced from his pulpit, " During the 
 week I shall visit all members of the congregation at 
 the north end of the town, embracing also the servant 
 girls." 
 
 A Fine Display — Mrs. Brannigan, at Mrs. Raf- 
 ferty's funeral: " Sure, an' it's a foine disphlay. Missus 
 Casey." Mrs. Casey : " It is thot ! How the desaysed 
 would ha' enjoyed it if she cud ha' been here. She wuz 
 a great hand for a funeral wuz thot same Missus 
 Rafferty." — Chicago Inter- Ocean. 
 
 Educational — Paterfamilias, after admonition in 
 another form to Hopeful : "Take dat ! an' get to yo' 
 book. Fuss thing yo' know at de zamination yo' woan 
 know yo A B C from yo alfybet." 
 
 The soldier was punished for the offence, icho diso- 
 beyed his officer. (Italics should follow "soldier.") 
 
 Cannibalism — A horrid suspicion of cannibalism 
 hangs about the advertisement of a St. Louis man. 
 "AVanted a good girl to cook, and one who will make a 
 good roast or broil and will stew well." Almost as 
 barbarous is a farmer near Fulton, New York, who 
 posted this notice in his field, "If any man's or 
 
156 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 woman's cows or oxen gits in these oats, his or her head 
 will be cut off, as the case may be." 
 
 Hospitality — An Irish gentleman, visiting some 
 friends in the North, was received with so much 'hospi- 
 tality and drank so very hard, that he departed in a 
 shorter time than was expected ; and when asked the 
 reason, very gravely said, " that he liked them so very 
 much, and ate and drank so incessantly, that he was sure 
 if he lived there a month longer, he should die in a 
 fortnight. " 
 
 He said that he would be home this morning at 3 
 P. M. (Italics should follow *'said.") 
 
 Asiatic Cholera — A physician once boasted to Sir 
 Henry Halford, "I was the first to discover Asiatic 
 cholera and communicate it to the public." 
 
 Irish Generosity — " And how are ye falin' ter day, 
 Mr. O'Rafferty ? " 
 
 «<I niver felt so poorly in all me life. I'm too poor 
 to buy the necessaries of life. If I had millions it's 
 ivery cint av it that I'd give to be a rich man."' 
 
 *'I'm wid ye, Mr. O'Rafferty. If I owned the whole 
 wurld I'd be willin' ter give it away for a little piece of 
 land an' a cabin that I could call me own." 
 
 Doctor Johnson's Gem — 
 Turn from the glittering bribe your scornful eye. 
 Nor sell for gold what gold can never buy. 
 
 To-Let — House to be let directly, or sooner if 
 required. Inquire within. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 157 
 
 Absent-Minded — '*! am going to give 2^ free lecture 
 in town," said a gentleman visiting his native place, to 
 an old friend. *' I hope you will come." 
 
 <« Delighted, I'm sure ! How much are the tickets .^" 
 
 I found what a poor superficial creature I was 
 afterwards. — James Meetvjell. (Italics should follow 
 *< found.") 
 
 Hear, Hear — Sheridan was one day annoyed by a 
 member of the House of Commons who kept crying out 
 every few minutes, " Hear, Hear ! " During the debate 
 he took occasion to describe an opponent who wished to 
 play the rogue, but had only sense enough to act the 
 fool. ** Where," he cried, with great emphasis, " where 
 shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish 
 fool than he ? " *' Hear, hear," shouted the troublesome 
 member as usual ; whereupon Sheridan turned round, 
 and thanking the honorable gentleman for the prompt 
 information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter. 
 
 A Parallel Case — <'We have to go back five centu- 
 ries for a parallel to this case," cried the orator. *' And 
 even then we don't find it." 
 
 Home-Guards — Sparrowgrass' proposition, that the 
 Home Guards should not leave home except in case of 
 invasion, is equal to the old story of the Bungtown 
 Riflemen, an Ohio military company, whose by-laws 
 consisted of two sections, namely : 
 
 "Article First. This company shall be known as 
 the Bungtown Riflemen. 
 
 Article Second. In case of war this company shall 
 immediately disband." 
 
158 BTTLLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Sir Boyle Roche — Except in his bulls, Sir Boyle 
 Roche would never attempt the impossible. When some 
 one said that the sergeant-at-arms should have stopped a 
 man in the rear of the house when he was trying to 
 catch him in front, Roche asked, <' Did he think the 
 sergeant-at-arms could be, like a bird, in two places at 
 once? " 
 
 He was shocked at the tempora et mores of " young- 
 Ireland." *'The progress of the times, Mr. Speaker, is 
 such, that little children who can neither walk nor talk 
 may be seen running about the streets, cursing their 
 Maker." 
 
 Much Obliged — Polite Conductor : *' Shall I help 
 you to alight, madame?" 
 
 Aunt Mindy : " Much obleeged, young man, but I 
 don't smoke. "You aint got any reel old Scotch snuff 
 'bout ye, have ye ? " . 
 
 Mrs. Partington — Ike has got a horse so spiritu- 
 ous that it always goes oif in a decanter. 
 
 A Lucid Examination — An eccentric lawyer thus 
 questioned a client: "So your uncle, Dennis O'Fla- 
 herty, had no family?" "None at all, yer honor," 
 responded the client. The lawyer made a memorandum 
 of the reply, and then continued, " Ver^ good. And 
 your father, Patrick O'Flaherty, did he have chick or 
 child?" 
 
 A New Version — An old preacher, after service 
 on Sunday, announced his readings for the following 
 Sabbath. During the week some mischievous boys 
 managed to paste together two of the leaves of his 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 159 
 
 Bible just where he was to read. So on Sunday the 
 minister read as follows : 
 
 *' And Noah took unto himself a wife who was" — 
 and here he turned the leaf — " forty cubits broad, one 
 hundred and forty cubits long." 
 
 With a look of astonishment he wiped his glasses, 
 re-read and verified the passage, and then said, "My 
 friends, although I have read the Bible many times, 
 this is the first time I have ever seen this passage, but I 
 take it as another evidence of the fact that man is most 
 fearfully and wonderfully made." 
 
 I can only regard them as Scotticisms. — dean 
 ALFORD. (Italics should follow "them.") 
 
 Telling the Truth — A newspaper was running a 
 serial called "The Truth." One week, so much space 
 being devoted to other matters, the editor, unable to 
 continue the story, made the following announcement, 
 containing perhaps more truth than any other item in 
 the paper: "'The Truth' was crowded out of this 
 issue on account of more important matter." 
 
 An Irishman's Notion of Discount — It chanced 
 one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good- 
 humored Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a 
 bill of exchange for him at rather a long, though not an 
 unusual, date; and the merchant casually remarked 
 that the bill had a great many days to run. "That's 
 true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how short 
 the days are at this time of the year." 
 
 Roast Beef — An Irish butcher says "the best way 
 to cut roast beef is horizontally doicnwards.^'' 
 
160 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 I will now proceed as briefly as I can to sum up the 
 weight of the evidence in the case. — Argument of Coun- 
 sel. (Italics should follow <' sum up.") 
 
 Invisible Wire — A manufacturing wire-worker, in 
 an advertisement, invites the public to come and see his 
 invisible wire fence. 
 
 A Fervent Prayer — A minister in the South, 
 who was a very small, slender man, once had a fervent 
 prayer offered in his behalf commencing as follows : "O 
 Lord, bless this thy gigantic servant, whom thou hast 
 set over us for the extermination of the gospel. Bless 
 him, O Lord, with unmitigated ages of the world to 
 come ! " 
 
 An Old Family — English tourist: ''Well, Paddy, 
 these O'Hoolachans seem a very old family." 
 
 P.: "Yiss, sorr, it is thimselves that be jist the 
 same. Now a hundred yairs is counted a great toime wid 
 some families, but not wid thim, for by the same token 
 the O'Hoolachans were as ould a thousand yairs ago as 
 they are this blissid day, so they were." 
 
 A Bashful Break — A bashful gentleman, visiting 
 a school kept by a young lady, was asked by the teacher 
 to say a few words to the pupils. " Scholars," said he, 
 "I hope you will always love your teacher as much as 
 I do." A tableau of giggling pupils and a blushing 
 teacher attested the effectiveness of his words. 
 
 I remember when the French band of the "Guides" 
 were in this country, reading in th«, Illustrated Neim. — 
 ALFORD. (Italics should follow "remember.") 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 161 
 
 Better Left Unsaid — An aggrieved father com- 
 jjlained bitterly of the conduct of his son. He related 
 at length to an old friend all the young man's escapades. 
 '< You must speak to him with firmness and recall him to 
 his duty," said the friend. "But he pays not the least 
 attention to what I say; he listens only to* the advice of 
 fools. I wish you would talk to him." 
 
 A Great Future — An unusually muddle-headed 
 young peer once remarked at the Oxford Union, "I be- 
 lieve, sir, that the Established Church has a great future. 
 But that will, of course, depend upon the use she makes 
 of it." 
 
 Here lies the body of John Mound, 
 
 Lost at sea and never found. — At Belturhet^ Ireland. 
 
 It is alleged that he committed suicide in the morn- 
 ing ijapers. — Chicago Paper. (Italics should follow 
 "alleged.") 
 
 The man who sat writing with a Roman nose was 
 ordered to leave the room. (Italics should follow 
 "man.") 
 
 Bathos (Anti-Climax) — Sinking when you mean to 
 rise. The waxen wings of Icarus, which, instead of 
 making him the master of the air, plunged him into the 
 water, were a practical bathos. So was the miserable 
 imitation of the Thunderer by Salmoneus, which, in- 
 stead of giving him a place among the gods, consigned 
 him to the regions below. 
 
 Of the written bathos, an amusing instance is af- 
 forded in the published tour of a lady, who has attained 
 11 
 
162 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 some celebrity in literature. Describing a storm to 
 which she was exposed when crossing in the steamboat 
 from Dover to Calais, her ladyship says, "In spite of 
 the most earnest solicitations to the contrary, in which 
 the captain eagerly joined, I firmly persisted in remain- 
 ing upon deck, although the tempest had now increased 
 to such a frightful hurricane that it was not without 
 great difficulty I could hold up my parasol ! " 
 
 As a worthy companion to this Vittle .morceaUy we 
 copy the following affecting advertisement from a Lon- 
 don newspaper: "If this should meet the eye of Emma 
 
 D , who absented herself last Wednesday from 
 
 her father's house, she is implored to return, when she 
 will be received with undiminished aifection by her al- 
 most heart-broken parents. If nothing can persuade 
 her to listen to their joint appeal, should she be deter- 
 mined to bring their grey hairs with sorrow to the grave, 
 should she never mean to revisit a home where she has 
 passed so many happy years, it is at least expected, if 
 she is not totally lost to all sense of propriety, that she 
 will, without a moment's further delay, send back the 
 key of the tea-caddy." — Ti?i Trumpet. 
 
 Mr. H , the Professor of Chemistry in the Uni- 
 versity of Dublin, who was more remarkable for the 
 clearness of his intellect than the purity of his eloquence, 
 adverted in one of his lectures to the celebrated Dr. 
 Boyle, of whose talents he spoke with the highest ven- 
 eration. He thus concluded his eulogy: "He was a 
 great man, a very great man; he was the father of chem- 
 istry, gentlemen, and the brother of the Earl of Corl^" 
 
 Courts of law frequently offer excellent examples of 
 bathos, especially the inferior tribunals, whose magis- 
 trates feel most keenly the glory of a little brief 
 authority. A famous story is that of the London 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 163 
 
 "beak" who made this tremendous appeal to a witness 
 about to take the oath: "Remember that the eyes of 
 God and of Her Majesty's police court are upon you." 
 Equally famous is the exordium of another justice's 
 charge to a jury in a case of larceny: "For forty 
 centuries the thunders of Sinai have echoed through the 
 world, ' Thou shalt not steal.' This is also a principle 
 of the common law and a rule of equity." 
 
 "The enemy is now hovering upon our borders, 
 preparing to press the knife to our throats, to devastate 
 our fields, to quarter themselves in our houses, and to 
 devour our poultry." 
 
 The effect of anti-climax is generally ludicrous, and 
 when used intentionally it tends to depreciate the sub- 
 ject to which it is applied by covering it with ridicule. 
 It is, therefore, very frequently employed in humorous 
 and satirical composition. But it is sometimes used un- 
 intentionally, and then it is called " bathos," the effect 
 being to turn the ridicule with which it is associated 
 upon the writer himself. The following are examples : 
 And thou, Dalhousie, thou great god of war, 
 Lieutenant-colonel to the Earl of Mar. 
 They gazed in awe upon the Corsican, 
 That mighty-minded, but small-bodied man. 
 
 "The arm of the Lord," said a preacher, "is as 
 fixed as fate, as sure as eternity, as strong as the rock of 
 Gibraltar." 
 
 "Were Russia to possess the Bosporus," says a 
 recent writer, " and the Turks be driven out, progress 
 would cease. The missionaries would be exiled, re- 
 ligious freedom crushed out, and ninety millions of 
 people speaking one language would be brought under 
 the yoke of an iron despotism, which in its strength and 
 noiseless movements is as resistless as the great Corliss 
 
164 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 engine at Philadelphia." — james de mille. Elements of 
 Rhetoric. 
 
 The following is the rapturous exclamation of a 
 Frenchman: *'Superbe! magnifique ! in short, pretty 
 well!" 
 
 A country newspaper thus describes the effects of a 
 hurricane : "It shattered mountains, tore up oaks by the 
 roots, dismantled churches, laid villages waste, and 
 overturned a hay-stack." 
 
 A Pretty Niece — An old bachelor having a very 
 lively, pretty niece to keep house for him, remarked to 
 an old friend of his, "Kitty is a nice girl, but she's too 
 fond of running out to look after her sweethearts." 
 « Why," he continued, " she goes out of doors ten times 
 a day for once that she comes in." 
 
 A Triumphant Appeal — That was a triumphant 
 appeal of an Irishman who was a lover of antiquity, 
 who, in arguing the superiority of old architecture over 
 the new, said, " Where will you find any modern build- 
 ing that has lasted so long as the ancient ?" 
 
 Mum — An Irishman, enforcing the necessity of se- 
 crecy, says, "Keep mum and don't say a word." 
 
 Tombstone Literature — Upon the monument of a 
 beloved missionary is inscribed this epitaph, " He was 
 shot by his attendant. Well done, good and faithful 
 servant." 
 
 Compliments of the Season — A lady made a Christ- 
 mas present to an old servant a few days before it might 
 have been expected. It was gratefully received, witli 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 165 
 
 the following Hibernian expression of thanks . ** I am 
 very much obliged to you, indeed, ma'am ; and wish you 
 many returns of the season before it comes.'''' 
 
 Mixed Flats — Mabel: "I suppose you heard of 
 Sister Lou's marriage ? She's taken a flat up town." 
 
 Miss Jellus : *'Yes, I heard she had a flat, but I 
 didn't hear where she had taken him." 
 
 From the North of Ireland — An apprentice sailor- 
 boy fell from the round-top to the deck, stunned, but 
 little hurt. The captain exclaimed in surprise, "Why, 
 where did you come from?" <'From the North of 
 Ireland, yer honor," was the prompt reply, as the poor 
 fellow gathered himself up. 
 
 The only surprising thing really about the election is 
 the slight interest shown, etc. — Pittsburgh Paper. 
 (Italics should follow *'only.") 
 
 Wanted — We are moved to gentle and kindly mirth 
 when under the head of "Wanted " we read that "a re- 
 spectable young woman wants washing." But we have 
 grown quite used to such journalistic English as "octag- 
 onal men's cassimere pantaloons," or "woolen children's 
 mitts," or "terra-cotta la'dies' gloves;" so much so that 
 we scarcely pause to smile at the odd images they ought 
 to raise in the mind that is grammatically constituted. 
 So also with advertisements for such articles as a "key- 
 less ladies' watch," "a green ladies' parasol," or "a 
 brown silk gentleman's umbrella. " And in hastily run- 
 ning your eye over the papers you rarely pause to give 
 its due meed of surprise to the appetite of a lady who 
 wants "to take a gentleman for breakfast and dinner ;" 
 
166 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 the benevolence of a boarding-house keeper who adver- 
 tises that <' single gentlemen are furnished with pleasant 
 rooms, also one or two gentlemen with wives ;" or the 
 audacity of a merchant who, in a free country, openly 
 gives notice, «' Wanted, a woman to sell on commis 
 sion." — WALSH, Literary Curiosities. 
 
 Mixed Metaphor — "Gentlemen of the jury," said 
 an Irish barrister, "it will be for you to say whether 
 this defendant shall be allowed to come into court with 
 unblushing footsteps, with the cloak of hypocrisy in his 
 mouth, and draw three bullocks out of my client's 
 pocket with impunity. " 
 
 Obeying Orders — Pat was a fresh arrival and had 
 obtained a situation in a hotel as a sort of a man of all 
 work. "Now, Pat," said the landlord, "you see that 
 sign, 'Gentlemen must use the spittoons.' If you notice 
 any of the guests violating that rule, I want you to re- 
 port the matter to me. " 
 
 "Oi wull, sor." Pat kept a sharp lookout, and, 
 after watching a gentleman for half an hour, went to 
 him and said, 
 
 "D'ye moind the sign forninst the wall, sor ? " 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Why don't you observe it, thin ? " 
 
 "I'm not spitting on the carpet," said the gentleman, 
 rather astonished. 
 
 " Oi know yer not, an' yer not usin' the spettune, 
 nayther. Spet, ye thafe, or Oi'll report yez." 
 
 Sayings of Great Mex — Buchmann quotes Deputy 
 Kell in the Saxon Parliament: "lam indeed ignorant 
 of the government's reasons, but I disapprove of them," 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. l67 
 
 ( Ich heniie zwar die Grwicle der Begieriuig nicht^ aher 
 ich inishillige sie. ) President Harrison's message as 
 originally delivered congratulated Congress that "the 
 United States are at peace with all the world, and sustain 
 amicable relations with the rest of mankind. " — bent, 
 Short Sayings of Great Men. 
 
 The weight of the skeleton alone (of a whale) was 
 thirty-one tons, and was afterwards exliibited in London 
 and Paris. — Scotsman. (Was it the "weight "or the 
 '* skeleton" that was exhibited.) 
 
 Art — When we see the legends. Art colors, Art 
 furniture. Art plumbing, we might as well say. The 
 Lord preserve us-pots ; or, Heaven help us-hats ; or. 
 Bless US-boots, for any definite meaning the terms 
 convey over and above the craft of the tradesman making 
 haste to profit by a certain boom in esthetics. — Walter 
 CRANE, Modern Life and the Artistic Sense. 
 
 Secret Societies — Wash: *'What advantage has 
 yer got from belongin' to dese heah secret sercierties like 
 de Dark Risin' Sons of Liberty?" 
 
 Pete: '*In de fust place, if yer gets sick yer has 
 foah dollars a week. Dat's not much, but sj)osin' yer 
 dies, den yer gets 1500, and yer can hab a heap of fun 
 fer dat money." 
 
 A Remarkable Handbill — The following remark- 
 able hand-bill was printed, and stuck up in several parts 
 of the City of Dublin: "This is to certify, that I, 
 Daniel O'Flanagan, am not the person that was tarred 
 and feathered by the liberty mob on Tuesday last ; and 
 I am ready to give twenty guineas to any one that will 
 
168 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 bet me fifty that I am the other man who goes by my 
 name. Witness my hand this 30th of July. Dan 
 O'Flanagan." 
 
 A Character Certificate — A gentleman lately 
 dismissed a clever but dishonest gardener. For the 
 sake of his wife and family, however, he gave the man a 
 character, and this is how he worded it : "I hereby 
 certify that A. B. has been my gardener for over two 
 years, and during that time he has got more out of my 
 garden than any other man I ever employed." — Dundee 
 Weekly News. 
 
 Although in London he had carried off several prizes 
 and won his scholarship with the greatest ease, by 
 reason of his mother's death, now, his chief incentive to 
 exertion seemed to be removed. — Illustrated Remew. 
 (<*Now " should follow "ease.") 
 
 Dropping a Letter — The story is told that in a 
 certain edition of a prayer-book, in the transit from the 
 composing to the press room, the " c" dropped out from 
 the clause, "We shall all be changed in the twinkling 
 of an eye." 
 
 Diamonds — "To display a diamond properly," says 
 a prominent American jeweler, " it must be worn 
 alone." But regardless of this dictum ladies possessing 
 diamonds will doubtless continue to prefer to wear them 
 in company Manchester Union, 
 
 Ahead of Time — An Irishman, comparing his 
 watch with the clock of St. Paul's, burst into a fit of 
 laughter. Being asked what tickled him, he answered. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. IGl) 
 
 *' Ana how can I help it ? Here is my little watch, that 
 was made by Paddy O'Flaherty, which cost me five 
 guineas, has beat your big London clock there a full 
 hour and a quarter since yesterday morning." 
 
 Very German — A Teuton, who is nothing if not 
 athletic, took part in some sports organized by a Ger- 
 man gymnasium. He competed in two races, the sec- 
 ond of which he won. He thus briefly and ej^igram- 
 matically summed up his performance : " I vos first at 
 last if I vos pehind pefore." 
 
 Her Afternoons — Butcher, with a bill: <'Is the 
 missus in this afternoon ? " 
 
 Servant: <'No, sorr. Her afternoons is Chewsdays 
 and Thoorsdays." — Harper's Bazar. 
 
 " Half — The following employment of half is cer- 
 tainly intolerable : "In his ranting way, half-poetical, 
 half-inspired, half-idiotic, Coleridge began to console 
 me." — Memoirs of Hay den. Here are three halves ! as 
 in the Irish translation of Gallia omnis, etc., "All 
 Gaul is quartered into three halves." — hodgson, Errors 
 in the Use of English. 
 
 Lady — Woman — Statisticians have decided that 
 there are more "ladies" among colored than among 
 white people. Indeed, the very word colored is a 
 lady-like euphemism. General Sherman's story of 
 the colored gentleman who rang at his door-bell and 
 asked, " Does a woman named Sherman live here? I 
 want to see the lady who cooks for her," is one of a 
 thousand which doubtless have been utilized by these 
 statisticians. 
 
ITO BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Irish Tim McGowan — Tim McGowan bad his limb 
 crushed when quite a boy. He afterwards lost his life 
 in the Mexican war, and his surviving brother, Dennis, 
 never ceased boasting of Tim's exploits. 
 
 "Och, murder," says he, ''you ought to seen Tim 
 at Rye-Sack a dollare Pole me (meaning Resaca de la 
 Palma). He caught two Mexican blackguards by the 
 cuffs of their necks and kilt them both as dead as her- 
 rin's by knockin' their heads together." 
 
 "How could that be," said the listener, *' when your 
 brother had but one arm? " 
 
 ''Bless your sowl," answered Dennis, "one arm had 
 he? That's true enough for ye, but then, ye see, Tim 
 forgot all about that when he got into a fight." 
 
 Betvteen — In a trial in a New England village a 
 witness testified, ' ' There was somewheres between 
 'leven and twelve eggs jn the basket." 
 
 Professor — The professor, drawing a letter out of 
 bis pocket: "It is very strange. I'm sure I jjut this 
 letter in the letter-box, but," searching further, "good- 
 ness gracious ! where's my handkerchief? " 
 
 To Rent — A keeper of a boarding house wishes to 
 rent a " room to a gentleman, large, airy, and square." 
 
 Worse than Death — "Pat," said one Catholic 
 friend to another. " how would you like to be buried in 
 a Protestant graveyard? " " Faith an' I'd die first ! " 
 
 Income Tax — An editor, writing in favor of the in- 
 come tax, hopes that " the*^ Government will not repeat 
 the blunder of killing the calf that laid the golden eggs." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 17 1 
 
 Wonders Never Cease — Passer by : " What's the 
 matter with your horse?" Driver: "lie's drap dead. 
 Cur'us, too. Nebber see him do dat befoah." — Texas 
 Sifting s. 
 
 Finishing the Job — Foreman: "Look here, Pat, 
 you heard the governor say that job must be finished to- 
 night?" Pat: "All roight, master, I'll have it done 
 to-night if it takes me till to-marrow marnin'." 
 
 A Congressional Break — A member of Congress 
 from a lumber district wanted to take a uajj during de- 
 bate, and engaged a fellow member to wake him when a 
 certain forestry bill came up for discussion. His friend, 
 to give him time to collect himself, roused him at the 
 bill next preceding on the calendar, which happened to 
 be one fixing penalties for burglary. Springing to his 
 feet he vociferated, "Mr. Speaker, I want to say a word 
 on this bill; more than half my constituents get their 
 living in this way." 
 
 Very Bullish — A well known M. P. began a speech 
 on the Judicature Bill, with the assertion that he could 
 not keep silent any longer without saying a few words. 
 
 Imagery Running Riot — A minister's eloquent de- 
 scription ran thus : " All along the tmtrodden paths of 
 the past we discern the foot-jyrints of an Almighty 
 A«w<7." 
 
 Military Obedience must be implicit and unreason- 
 ing. " Sir," said the Duke of Wellington to an ofticer 
 of engineers, who urged the impossibility of executing 
 the dix-ections he had received, "I did not ask your 
 
172 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 opinion ; I gave you my orders, and I expect them to be 
 obeyed." It might have been difficult, however, to yield 
 a literal obedience to the adjutant of a volunteer corps, 
 who, being doubtful whether he had distributed muskets 
 to all the men, cried out, "All you that are without 
 arms will please to hold up your hands.'''' — Tm Trum- 
 
 A Steeple-Chase — Describing a steeple-chase, the 
 Irish Times says, "A very nice day's sport was car- 
 ried on over an excellent course, all grass, over the lands 
 of Mr. Henderson, whose hosjntality was unbounded. It 
 consisted of two walls, two hank drops, a water cut, and 
 two hurdles^ 
 
 The Emerald Way — Johnson: "Do you know 
 
 Jones? " 
 
 O'Kelly: "Yis, sir; I know him." 
 
 Johnson : " Can a person believe what he says? " 
 
 O'Kelly: "Faith, an' it's jist this way. Whin he 
 
 tells ye the truth ye can belave ivery word he says, but 
 
 whin he lies to yez, ye betther have no confidince in him 
 
 at all." 
 
 Wanted — At a shoj) window appeared the follow- 
 ing notice : " Wanted, two apprentices, who will be 
 treated as one of the family." 
 
 Afraid — Sunday-school teacher, sadly: "I'm 
 
 afraid, Johnny, that I will never meet you in heaven." 
 
 Johnny: "Why? What have you been doing now? " 
 
 He was fired at, the ball striking him on his waist- 
 coat-pocket, in which he had a five-shilling piece. The 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 173 
 
 bullet indented the coin, thus saving his life. — Man- 
 chester Examiner and Times. Akin to : Another (bullet) 
 hit the butt of his carbine near the lock, thus saving his 
 life. — Scotsman. It was meant probably in these two 
 passages that the coin and the gun-lock saved their 
 bearers' lives, but, as the words stand, it was the bullets 
 that did so. — hodgson, Errors hi the Use of English. 
 
 Visiting Cards — <* What's the matter, Jack? 
 You look broken up." 
 
 *'I am. You know, I came three hundred miles to 
 see Miss PTardcastle. - Well, I called on her last night, 
 and by mistake sent up a pawn-ticket instead of my 
 card." — i^/6. 
 
 Irish Time — Time-keeper: "Look here, Donovan, 
 I can't understand how you made seventeen hours on 
 Thursday.': 
 
 Donovan: "ShureOi shtarted two hours before Oi 
 began, and Oi wurrked all dinner toime whin Oi was 
 restin', and after Oi left off Oi wurrked for two hours 
 more, an' that makes me toime out." 
 
 He said that the meeting to-night would be held at 
 seven o'clock, in the early part of last week. (Italics 
 should follow "said.") 
 
 Expect — It was a son of Erin who asked the meet- 
 ing to excuse him from serving on a committee, 
 "because I expect to be unexpectedly called away." 
 
 His allusion to the heroic death of the engineer in a 
 pathetic way brought many a tear. (Italics should 
 follow " allusion.") 
 
174 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 ToPSY — Never was born, only jist growed. 
 
 Latest Style — Old lady : "I'd like to git a pair 
 o' shoes, young man." 
 
 Polite clerk: "Yes, ma'am. Something pretty 
 nice, ma'am?" 
 
 "I want 'em good'n stout." 
 
 "Well, ma'am, here's a strong shoe, an excellent, 
 strong shoe. It has been worn a great deal this 
 w^inter." 
 
 "Man alive, I don't want no shoe that's been worn 
 this winter nor any other winter ; I want a bran' new 
 pair. " — Puck. 
 
 Lost — A dog with clipped ears named Gyp* 
 
 Judicial Censure — An Irish magistrate, censuring 
 some boys for loitering in the streets, argued, "If 
 everybody were to stand in the street, how could any- 
 body get by ? " 
 
 Noiseless Firini; — "A hare in the garden ! Hand 
 me a gun, Jacques." "But, sir, it is five in the morn- 
 ing; everybody is asleep." "Nevermind. I'll fire on 
 tiptoe." — Le Monde Illustre. 
 
 Mrs. O'BuU : "This is the seventh noight you've 
 come home in the morning. The next time you go out, 
 Misther O'B., you'll stay at home and open the door for 
 yersilf." 
 
 Not Well Worded — President Seelye, of Am- 
 herst, has arrived safely on tlie other side, much to the 
 delight of the college. — Mail and J^xpre^s, 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 175 
 
 Laxd and Sea — The orator who objected at the 
 State House to a bill because it would ''land us in a sea 
 of doubt," is praiseworthy for a new and useful 
 Hibernicisra. 
 
 Saved by the Famine — An Irishman, during Mr. 
 Balfour's tour in tlie Emerald Isle, remarked, in a burst 
 of gratitude for the relief offered, "If it hadn't been for 
 the famine, we Avould all have been starving." 
 
 A well placed mortgage is tlie safest investment in 
 the United States, next to (joverimient bonds. ( Italics 
 should follow "is.") 
 
 Successors and Ancestors — When Slender, in the 
 Merry Wives of Windsor, claims that his cousin Shallow 
 is a gentleman born, and may write himself armigero^ 
 he adds, proudly, "All his successors, gone after him, 
 have done't ; and all his ancestors that come after him 
 may." — thomas wentworth higginson, Ancestors Who 
 Come After Us. 
 
 Medical Men — An Irish editor says he can see no 
 earthly reason Avhy women should not be allowed to 
 become medical men. 
 
 Anglicanism rallied from its temporary discomfiture 
 tinder the guidance of men icho had been High ChurcJi- 
 m,en before N'eiuman came among them. ( Italics should 
 begin the sentence.) 
 
 A Case of Mushrooms — Here is a good specimen 
 of the Taurus Illbernicus re[)orted in a country news- 
 paper. Two men were lately brought before the local 
 
176 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 bencli of magistrates charged with stealing muslirooras. 
 After the case had been heard, the chairman told the 
 })risoners that ** there was no doubt they stole the mush- 
 rooms, but the Bench would give them the benefit of 
 any doubt that might exist." 
 
 Pretty PVk Gonh; — Smithers : '* How old are 
 
 you?" 
 
 Miss Randolph : " Oh, I don't tell my age any more; 
 as old as I look ? " 
 
 Smithers, with deep feeling : " No I " 
 
 A Proverbial Bull — " Begorry," said Pat, as he 
 tried to stop the leak in his roof, "it's a thrue sayin' 
 that it niver pours but it rains." 
 
 Not So Poor — Two travelers journeying through a 
 stony, sterile region of Virginia chanced to ride by a 
 little cabin. One said to the other, " I pity the man 
 that lives hex'e; he must be very poor." Tlie occupant of 
 the cabin, overhearing the remark, came out saying, 
 "Gentlemen, I'm not so poor as you think. I don't own 
 this land." 
 
 Three of a Kind — Two Irishmen, in crossing a 
 field, came in contact with a jackass, which was making 
 "daylight hideous " with his unearthly braying. 
 
 Jemmy stood a moment in astonishment, then, turn- 
 ing to Pat, who was also enraptured with the song, he 
 remarked, "It's a fine ear the bird has got for music, 
 but he's got a wonderful cowld." 
 
 It may 2)erhaps appear to some persons that I give 
 too prominent a place to Modern Spiritualism. 1 do so 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 177 
 
 advisedly, however. — rev. c. m. davies, Yt.vt.^ Hetero- 
 dox London. (The writer thus, contrary to his inten- 
 tion, admits the excessive prominence.) 
 
 Artemus Ward — "Oh, that I sliouUl live to see 
 myself a dead body! " screamed the unfortunate man. — 
 
 ARTEMUS AVARD. 
 
 A Coroner's Inquest — A newspaper, noticing a 
 death from drowning, says "that the coroner held an 
 inquest concerning the death of Thomas Shipp, who was 
 drowned on the following night." 
 
 A Distinction Without a Difference — An Irish 
 gentleman, by way of complimenting the king, said 
 that "the only difference he knew between the pope 
 and his majesty was that the first was infallible and the 
 second could do no wrong." 
 
 People ceased to wonder h\j degrees. — mrs. oli- 
 phant. Chronicles of Carlingford. (Italics should fol- 
 low " ceased.") 
 
 TYPOGRAriiiCAL Errors — In the fertile field of typo- 
 graphical errors, says Mr. Brander Matthews, the devil's 
 work sometimes causes such curious facilities of style 
 that it is hard to believe they are unintentional. It 
 seems- quite right for a locomotive to cut a cow into 
 calves, and for Secretary Richardson to intend resigning 
 about the middle of June. It was during the war that 
 a Western paper said the army was in want of conse- 
 crated beef and desecrated vegetables ; and about the 
 same time a gigantic headline, "The British Lion Shak- 
 ing his Mane," was spread before the astonished world 
 
 12 
 
178 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 as «'The British Lion Skating in Maine." A Mobile 
 paj)er said a river steamboat had come to grief, owing to 
 running against a rat ; the subscribers wondered probably 
 at the unusual size of the water rat, but felt relieved 
 when the next number of the pa^^er said for ''rat" read 
 "raft." A Chicago paper said, "At the commence- 
 ment of the second scene the King of Terrors made his 
 first appearance," which would lead one to believe that 
 grisly Death had been a visitor to the entertainment ; 
 but upon examination it appears that "Terrors" should 
 be "Tenors." 
 
 Welsh Ore — Sir John Davis, a Welshman, had 
 some office in Ireland during the reign of James I., to 
 whom he wrote the following letter: "Most Mighty 
 Prince, the gold mine that w^as lately discovered at 
 Ballycurry turns out to be a lead one." 
 
 Thrown Off His Guard — Gentleman, to Irish beg- 
 gar pretending to be dumb : " How many years have you 
 been dumb ?" 
 
 Beggar: "Five years, your IFonor." 
 
 Force of Hahit — Governess: "Now, Pauline, tell 
 your grandmotlier and me how loufj it is since Rome was 
 founded." 
 
 Pauline: "Two thousand, six hundred and forty- 
 four years." 
 
 Grandmother, mechanically : " Dear, dear, how time 
 does fly !" — Fliegende Blaetter, 
 
 We fail to find any evidence of negligence bi the 
 testimony on the pai-t of tlie defendant. — Charge of 
 Court. (Italics should follow "to find.") 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 179 
 
 Telegraphic — The following telegram, dispatched 
 by a cattle-dealer at Hanover to a confrere at Magdeburg, 
 is rather curious : '< To-morrow all pigs to be at station. 
 I expect you also. Am only coming to-morrow, as train 
 takes no oxen. Market prices bad. Look out, as cattle 
 is rising. If you want oxen, remember me." 
 
 Suicide — An Irish member of Parliament, speaking 
 of suicide, said, ''The only way to stop it is to make it 
 a capital offence, punishable with death." 
 
 Advertisement on the Wall of an English Cof- 
 FEE-HousE — '^ This coffee-house removed upstairs." A 
 Roman Emperor used to draw his stairs up after him 
 into his bed-chamber, but drawing a whole house up into 
 itself is new. — edgeworth. 
 
 An Historic Ax — Aged negro : " I is gwine on er 
 hunner en ten years old." 
 
 Interested listener: "Indeed? Then probably you 
 can recollect as far back as the first acts of Congress." 
 
 Aged negro: "Yes, sah; I remember all 'bout de 
 fus' ax of Congress. I ot ter recollect it, because I cut 
 wood wid it." 
 
 Ambiguous Notice — Attached to the electric bells 
 in the rooms of a New England hotel: " Press the knob 
 if you want the clerk five timesy (Italics should follow 
 "knob.") 
 
 Late — "Excuse me, madame, I am afraid I am very 
 late." 
 
 " Oh, my dear Herr von Fifferl, you are never too 
 late. " — Fliegende Blaetter. 
 
180 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Committee's Resolution — Resolved, unanimous- 
 ly, with only one dissenting voice.. 
 
 If this day shall happen to be Sunday this form of 
 prayer shall he used, and the fast kept the next day fol- 
 lowing. (The italics may relate to the clause preceding 
 or to the one following them.) 
 
 Mrs. Partington — A pious old lady happened in 
 at a Christian Endeavor meeting. She was much im- 
 pressed by the young people's earnestness, and esj^ecially 
 pleased with the singing. She said, " Oh, I do love to 
 hear 'em sing ! They sing with such venom ! " — Utica 
 Observer. 
 
 In a Literal Sense — Taking things too literally is 
 a fertile source of blunders that are sometimes amusing, 
 sometimes provoking, and sometimes deplorable. 
 
 That was a very literal Scotch subaltern whom Colo- 
 nel Stuart tells of in his " Reminiscences of a Soldier." 
 The Scotchman was one day on guard at Gibraltar with 
 another officer, who, falling down a precipice, was 
 killed. He made no mention of the accident in his 
 guard-report, leaving the addendum, " Nothing extraor- 
 dinary since guard-mounting," standing without qualifi- 
 cation. Some hours after, the brigade-general came to 
 demand explanation. ** You say, sir, in your report, 
 * Nothing extraordinary since guard-mounting,' when 
 your brother-officer fell down a precipice four hundred feet 
 and was killed." <' Well, sir," replied Sandy, '<I dinna 
 think there's anything extraordinary in that. If he had 
 faun doon a precipice four hundred feet high, and no 
 ben killed, I should ha thocht it extraordinary, and put 
 it doon in my report." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 181 
 
 These blunders - should be genuine in order to reach 
 the higher levels of humor ; yet a pretense at a literal 
 understanding — or misunderstanding — is a favorite 
 form of jesting. Charles Lamb's serious reply to a 
 gushing mother who asked him, '*And now, Mr. 
 Lamb, how do you like children?" *'B — b — boiled, 
 madam," is a classic instance. Jokes repeat themselves, 
 like history, and it was only the other day, according to 
 one of our comic papers, that Mr. Staggers, learning 
 from his loving spouse that "we are to have dear 
 mother for dinner," quickly replied, "All right. See 
 that she is thoroughly cooked." 
 
 Sheridan reproving his promising son Tom on the 
 irregular life he was leading, ended by saying, "My 
 dear Tom, really it is time for you to take a wife." 
 " With all my heart," replied the dutiful son; "whose 
 wife shall I take?" 
 
 Sydney Smith's jest when advised by his doctor to 
 take a walk upon an empty stomach belongs to the same 
 class: "Upon whose?" he asked. And very similar, 
 too, is Leigh Hunt's. A lady at dessert asked if he 
 would not venture on an orange. "Madam," he 
 replied, " I should be happy to do so, but I am afraid I 
 should tumble off." 
 
 "I heard an anecdote at Oxford," says W. H. Harri- 
 son in his reminiscences, "of a proctor encountering 
 on his rounds two undergraduates who were without 
 their gowns, or out of bounds, or out of hours. He 
 challenged one, ' Your name and college? ' Tliey were 
 given. Turning to the other, ' And pray, sir ! what 
 might your name be?' * Julius Csesar,' was the reply. 
 *What, sir, do you mean to say your name is Julius 
 Caesar?' 'Sir. you did not ask me what it is, but what 
 it might be.' " walsii, iMerary Curiosities. 
 
182 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Boarding — Board may be had at No. 4 Pearl Street 
 for two gentlemen with gas. 
 
 All White — The lawyers are unanimously for 
 , on the same principle that the old man's cow 
 
 was white. "It was all white," he said, "except the 
 body and head and three legs." — Pemisylvania Paper. 
 
 Lord Cockhiirn — Lord Cockburn, after a long 
 stroll, sat down on a hillside beside a shepherd, and ob- 
 served that the sheep selected tlie coldest situation for 
 lying down. "Mac," said he, "I think if I were a 
 sheep I should certainly have preferred the other side of 
 that hill." The- shepherd answered, '*Ay, my lord; 
 but if ye had been a sheep ye would have had mair 
 sense." 
 
 A Ridiculous Blunder. — A Pittsburgh paper, re- 
 ferring to legislation vetoed by the governor, said, 
 "The Legislature pasted (passed) the bill over the 
 governor's head." 
 
 Blundering Counsel — In Massachusetts, in a very 
 recent case, the Court said, " The question, which has 
 been so ably and exhaustively argued by the counsel on 
 each side, is one which cannot properly arise in this 
 case." — Snjyreyne Court. 
 
 Bigamy — Judge, to ofticer: "What is this man 
 charged with?" 
 
 "Bigotry, yer honor." 
 
 "Bigotry? Why, what's he been doing? " 
 
 "Married three women, yer honor." 
 
 "Three ! That's not bigotry; that's trigonometry." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. ' 183 
 
 A Logical Fallacy — 
 A good man imitates a good example. 
 The counterfeiter imitates a good example. 
 Therefore, the counterfeiter is a good man. 
 
 A mad dog was killed after several children had 
 been bitten by the policeman, (Italics should follow 
 ** killed.") 
 
 Postscript — George Selwyn once declared in com- 
 pany that a lady could not write a letter without adding 
 a postscript. A lady present replied, "The next letter 
 that you receive from' me, Mr. Selwyn, will prove that 
 you are wrong." Accordingly he received one from her 
 the next day, in which, after her signature, was the fol- 
 lowing : " P. S. Who is right now, you or I ? " 
 
 Lying— A dull old lady, being told that a certain 
 lawyer was lying at the point of death, exclaimed, "My 
 gracious ! won't even death stop that man's lying ? " 
 
 A Railroad Accident — A railroad accident oc- 
 curred in Ohio. An east-bound train side-tracked at a 
 station to await the arrival of a west-bound train. 
 Some of the passengers got out to walk up and down 
 the track. One of them, hard of hearing, failing to 
 notice the approaching west-bound train, was instantly 
 killed. An Irish track hand, working near by, looking 
 at the corpse, remarked, "Faith, an' it'll tache him a 
 lesson not to walk on the thrack agin." 
 
 Metal Window Sashes — An advertisement in an 
 Irish paper, setting forth the many conveniences and ad- 
 vantages to be derived from metal window sashes, among 
 
184 . BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 otlier particulars observed "that tliese sashes would last 
 forever; and afterwards, if the owner had no use for 
 them, they might be sold for old iron." 
 
 He is like a beast of prey that is void of compassion. 
 (Italics should follow "He.") 
 
 Before — "What do you mean, sir, by swearing 
 before my wife? You must apologize." 
 
 "Pardon, Monsieur, Pardon ! I do make ze apolo- 
 gy. I did not know ze lady wish to swear ze^rs^." 
 
 Omissions — An Irish editor, reviewing a new school 
 book, says, "The work is chock full of omissions." 
 
 When a dog belonging to a poor family once falls 
 into the hands of the dog catcher, it is all up with him. 
 (The dog or the catcher ?) 
 
 Advertisement — Lost or stolen near Tipperary, on 
 or about Tuesday morning last, a large pig. Had no 
 marks on his ears except a short tail, and a slight limp 
 in one leg. Reward at office of this paper. W. T. 
 
 Mr. Amner's Gem — As Mr. Amner was going- 
 through a street in Windsor, two boys looked out of an 
 ui)per window, and cried, "There goes Mr. Amner, 
 that makes so many bulls." Hearing them, he looked 
 up, and said, "You rascals, I know you well enougli, 
 and if I had you here, I'd kick you downstairs." 
 
 German Oratory — It was a German orator, who, 
 warming with his subject, exclaimed, "There is no man 
 or child in this vast assembly who has arrived at the age 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 185 
 
 of fifty years, but has not felt the truth of this mighty 
 subject thundering through his mind for centuries." 
 
 Business in the markets for public securities was 
 again inactive, but the transactions consisted mostly of 
 2)urchases, and the tendency, on the whole, was favora- 
 ble. — Money Market. (How could there be purchases 
 without sales?) 
 
 Refusing to Answer — When a lady, giving evi- 
 dence in a Kansas Court, refused to answer a question 
 on the plea that it was not fit to tell decent peo])le, her 
 questioner blandly said, " Well, then, step up and whis- 
 per it to the Judge." 
 
 An Irish Mix — A domestic, newly engaged, pre- 
 sented to his master, one morning, a pair of boots, the 
 leg of one of which was much longer than the other. 
 
 "How comes it that these boots are not of the same 
 length?" 
 
 '^I raly don't know, sir; but what bothers me the 
 most is that the pair downstairs are in the same fix." 
 
 A Bridge Sign — Over a bridge at Atliens, Ga., is 
 the following: "Any person driving over this bridge at 
 a pace faster than a walk shall, if a white man, be fined 
 five dollars, and, if a negro, receive twenty-five lashes, 
 half the penalty to he bestowed on the informer.'''' 
 
 French Bulls — A copious and amusing book might 
 be made by collecting the bulls and blunders of all 
 nations. 
 
 Of the French bulls there are few better than the 
 following: A Gascon nobleman had been reproaching 
 
186 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 his son with ingratitude. *' I owe you nothing," said 
 the unfilial young man ; "so far from having served me 
 you have always stood in my way ; for if you had never 
 been born, I should at this moment be the next heir of 
 my rich grandfather." 
 
 Worthy of a place by the side of this Gallic Hiberni- 
 cism is the niaiserie of Captain Baudin, the Commander 
 of a French expedition of discovery. On opening a box 
 of magnetic needles, they were found to be much rusted, 
 which sensibly impaired their utility. "What else can 
 you expect ?" exclaimed the irritated captain ; "all the 
 articles provided by government are shabby beyond de- 
 scription. Had they acted as I could have wished, they 
 would have given us silver instead of steel needles." 
 — Thi Trumpet. 
 
 Rev. Plink Plunk on Ignorance — De ignorant 
 man dat prevents his children from gittin' an education, 
 so's*to keep dem happy, am a bigger fool dan de wisest 
 man dat eber lived. 
 
 Dr. Johnson — " Why, sir, one link cannot clank," 
 said Dr. Johnson, wlien called on to admire the phrase, 
 *'Not one link of the chain that England has wound 
 around us shall be left to clank upon our limbs." 
 
 An Art Gallery — An Irish gentleman, having a 
 very small picture room which a group of persons was 
 entering, exclaimed, "Faith, gentlemen, if you all go 
 in, it will not hold you." 
 
 Chandelier — *'Well, neighbor Slummidge, how 
 much shall I put you down for to get a chandelier for 
 the church? " 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 187 
 
 Neighbor S. : ''Shoo ! what we want to git a chan- 
 delier for ? The' haint nobody kin play on it when we 
 do git it." 
 
 A Loud Explosion — An Irishman, regaling a crowd 
 with some startling experiences, referred to an explosion 
 he had witnessed, the noise of which was " that loud it 
 made me so dafe Oi cudn't hear it." 
 
 The quality of the sugar m his opinion is equal to 
 last year's product. (Italics should begin the sentence.) 
 
 Mrs. Malaprop — Washington society, like every 
 other society, has its Mrs. Malaprop. To the daughters 
 of one of our most distinguished diplomats she is re- 
 ported to have said, "I am so glad to meet you. I 
 have been hearing you spoken of so much as the pretty 
 Miss Legation, the clever Miss Legation. Do tell me 
 which of you is the pretty one and which the clever 
 one." 
 
 Again, to a famous army officer and his wife, who 
 were telling her how much they had enjoyed her dinner- 
 party, she cheerily said, "I thought you would like to 
 meet some nice people." 
 
 Perhaps Mrs. Malaprop's most famous speech is of as 
 late date as last spring, just before she went abroad. 
 Coming down to greet a morning caller in her wrapper, 
 Mrs. Malaprop said, sweetly, " You really must excuse 
 me for coming down in my nom de plume, but I have 
 been busy packing all the morning." 
 
 Obituary Notice — ''Will you please insert this 
 obituary notice?" writes a correspondent to the editor 
 of a leading daily paper. " I request it because I know 
 
188 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 the deceased had many friends who'd be glad to hear of 
 his death." 
 
 Without Bread — Servant: "Please sir, you aint 
 got no bread and the baker says he won't trust you any 
 longer. " 
 
 Irate Hibernian: " Och, the mane baste. No bread! 
 Bedad, then, I must have toast.'* 
 
 An Ambiguous Notice — This ambiguous notice 
 adorns a ladies' cabin in a Hoboken ferry-boat : "These 
 seats are for ladies. Gentlemen will not occupy them 
 until the ladies are seated." 
 
 An Irish Postscript — I would have written this 
 letter better if I'd had time to take a copy of it before 
 I wrote it. 
 
 The Professional Outlook — "How is your hus- 
 band this afternoon, Mrs. Swiggs?" 
 
 "Why, the doctor says as how as if he lives till the. 
 mornin' he shall have some hopes of him; but if he don't, 
 he must give him up." 
 
 Wanted a Rest — "There is not a minute in the 
 day that I can have a quiet half-hour to myself," ex- 
 claimed an old lady much annoyed with visitors. 
 
 Misplaced Words — The position of the adverb 
 should be as near as possible to the word it qualifies. 
 Sometimes we place it before the auxiliary and some- 
 times after it, according to the thought we wish to 
 express. The difference between "The fish should prop- 
 erly be broiled" and "The fish should ho properly 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 189 
 
 broiled" is apparent at a glance. — Alfred ayres, The 
 Verbalist. 
 
 Cant — Cant is always offensive, but especially re- 
 ligious cant. This offends more than the taste, for it 
 shocks the religious sensibility and the sense of true 
 veneration. Sometimes a preacher may be found who, 
 instead of bringing cant into common life, introduces 
 slang into. the sacred desk, as, "The question of the 
 day, my brethren, is not ' How are your poor feet ? ' but 
 ' How are your poor souls ? ' " — james de mille, Ele- 
 ments of Rhetoric. 
 
 Anti- Climax — Anti-climax, in fine opposition to 
 climax, may be defined, *'a ladder to get down by." 
 Lord Rochester, meeting a bishop in the antechamber 
 of Charles II., said, bowing low, ironically, "I am 
 yours, my Lord Bishop, to my shoe-ties." "I am 
 yours," said the Bishop, "to the ground." Rochester 
 continued, "I am yours to the centre." Rejoined the 
 Bishop, "I am yours to the antipodes." Vexed at his 
 defeat by a clergyman and a man of piety, Rochester 
 cried, "I am yours to the lowest pit of destruction." 
 "There," finished the divine, "there, my lord, I leave 
 you." — MACBETH, Might and Mirth of Literature. 
 
 Equivocation — The paranomasia, or pun, is the 
 sophism of equivocation. Here is a time-honored ex- 
 ample: "Two men ate oysters for a wager; one ate 
 ninety-nine, but the other ate two more, for he ate a 
 hundred and won." This affords occasion for the 
 general observation that jests are usually mock logic, 
 and often in absurd form let fly a sharp dart of truth. 
 The bull is a palpable self-contradiction, generally an 
 
190 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 unconscious blunder, but, sometimes on purpose; as, 
 *'Doyou believe in ghosts? No, indeed, I've seen too 
 many of them ; " or, as, when my wife said to me, ** I 
 hope I shall not live to see you a frisky widower," 
 — DAVIS, Elements of Deductive Logic. 
 
 Mixed Metaphors — It was a colored minister who 
 said, " Brethern, the muddy pool of politics was the rock 
 on which I split;" and another, "Give us grace that 
 we may gird up the loins of our mind so that we shall 
 receive the latter rain." 
 
 The poor despise the purse-proud man not one whit 
 less than the well-born and well-educated. — rathbone. 
 Social Duties. ('< Do " should follow "than." ) 
 
 A Successful Toast — The evening was advanced 
 when a venerable squire of ancient name and lineage 
 arose to propose a toast. Seldom have I heard one more 
 successful. He began modestly: 
 
 "I feel," said the good man, "that for a j^lain, 
 country squire like myself to address a dignified body 
 like the Presbytery of St. Andrews, including in its 
 numbers various learned professors, is indeed to cast 
 pearls before swine." 
 
 He had to pause long ere he got further. Thunder- 
 ous applause broke forth. The swine cheered as if they 
 would never leave off. We all knew perfectly what 
 the laird meant. — Stories of St. Andrews. 
 
 Humbugs — "So you prefer my medicines to those of 
 Dr. Pillsbury? " 
 
 Mrs. Mulligan: " Och, indade, docthor dear, ye're a 
 dale better than th' other ould humbug . " 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 191 
 
 Coffin — A coffin, said an Irishman, is the house a 
 man lives in when he's dead. 
 
 Confusion of Thought — The serene aspect of these 
 writers, joined with the great encouragement I observe 
 is given to another, or what is intended to be suspected, 
 in which he indulges himself, confirmed me in the notion 
 I have of the prevalence of ambition this way. 
 
 Mr. Steinitz will simultaneously play twelve members 
 of the Manhattan Chess Club blindfolded. — New York 
 Paper. (To what does "blindfolded" refer — to the 
 Club, its twelve members, or to Mr Steinitz?) 
 
 A Democratic Report — It was in the New York 
 WorlcVs report of a political meeting that the word 
 "shouts" was so ludicrously misprinted as to make the 
 blunder famous. "The snouts of ten thousand Demo- 
 crats rent the air," read the report. 
 
 A Scotch Beggar — A Scotch beggar applied for 
 alms at the door of a partisan of the Anti-Begging So- 
 ciety. After detailing his sorrows, the gentleman per- 
 emptorily dismissed him. "Go away, we canna gie ye 
 naething." "You might, at least," replied the mendi- 
 cant, with an air of dignity, "have refused me gram- 
 matically." 
 
 The Irish of It — Nealy, from below: "Mike!" 
 Ducey, from above: "Phwat?" Nealy: "Have yez a 
 bit of sthring? Th' cover's aff yure dinner pail, an' a 
 dog might ate yure grub." Ducey: "G'lang an' doan' 
 be axin' favors o' me phin yez refused me a bit o' to- 
 backy an hour agone." — Judge. 
 
192 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Tangled Opening — A minister once prefaced his 
 
 sermon with, "My friends, let us say a few words be- 
 fore we begin." This is like the man who took a short 
 nap before he went to sleep. 
 
 Persons must detest traitors loho possess any love of 
 country. (Italics should follow "persons.") 
 
 Punctuation — 
 I saw a peacock with a fiery tail 
 I saw a blazing comet pour down hail 
 I saw a cloud all wrapt with ivy round 
 I saw a lofty oak creep on the ground 
 I saw a beetle swallow up a whale 
 I saw a foaming sea brimful of ale 
 I saw a pewter cup sixteen feet deep 
 I saw a well full of men's tears that weep 
 I saw wet eyes in flames of living fire 
 I saw a house as high as the moon and higher 
 I saw the glorious sun at deep midnight 
 I saw the man who saw this wondrous sight 
 I saw a pack of cards gnawing a bone 
 I saw a dog seated on Britain's throne 
 I saw King George shut up within a box 
 I saw an orange driving a fat ox 
 I saw a butcher not a twelvemonth old 
 I saw a great-coat all of solid gold 
 I saw two buttons telling of their dreams 
 I saw my friends who wished I'd quit these themes. 
 A semi-colon placed after the first noun in each 
 
 line, except the twelfth and the last, will remove the 
 
 absurdities. 
 
 Useful Studies — A school teacher near Dawson, 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 193 
 
 Ga. , having instructed a pupil to purchase a grammar, 
 the next day received a note from the child's mother, 
 " 1 do not desire for Lulu shall ingage in grammar as i 
 prefer her ingage in yuseful studies and can learn her 
 how to spoke and write properly myself. I have went 
 through tw^o grammars and can't say as they did me no 
 good. I prefer her ingage in german and drawing and 
 vokal music on the piano." 
 
 Speechless — It was an Irishman who said, in re- 
 sponse to an inquiry, "Sick is it! Sick! Faith and I 
 laid spachless sivin long wrecks in the month of August, 
 and did nothin' but cry 'wather, w-ather,' all the time." 
 
 A Minor Light of the Irish Bench — A wife had 
 suffered untold cruelties at the hands of a barbarous 
 husband, and in self-defence she " took the law of him ;" 
 but just before the trial she relented, and told the judge 
 she wished to leave the punishment and the case to God. 
 " I regret, my good woman," replied the great official, 
 " that we cannot do that ; the case is far too important." 
 
 A Butcher's Sign — Over .the shop door of a pork 
 butcher in a village in the Eastern counties may be seen 
 a signboard representing a man in a black coat, brandish- 
 ing a hatchet, with the inscription, "John Smith kills 
 pigs like his father." 
 
 We complimented them upon discussing matters 
 which were in some countries found irritating m so calm 
 away Times. (Italics should follow "discussing.") 
 
 Of Course — Highly educated Teuton, who knows 
 everything : " Der fault I haf to find mit der English is 
 
 13 
 
194 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 dot it has not dot perspikooity dot der Tcherman has. 
 Now, for oxample, in der English you say ^ science. '=. 
 Dot conveys no idea. In Tcherman we haf der simple 
 vord, ' Wissenshaftlichen,' vich is melodious unt com- 
 prehensif. It is der same mit your papers. You haf a 
 ' Real Estate Journal.' Dot is three words. In Tcher- 
 man we say, 'Grundeigenthumszeitung,' in one. It is 
 more flexible. In your theaters you haf a paper called 
 der 'Entr'acte.' We call such a paper, ' Theaterzwishen- 
 aktszeitiing.' It is more beautiful. English is a veak 
 langk witch ; unt pesides, Tchermans speak it unt write 
 it better as der English." — Boston Gazette. 
 
 Savings Bank — An Irishman describes a savings 
 bank as a place where you can deposit money to-day and 
 draw it out to-morrow by giving a week's notice. 
 
 A Social Event — The Brooklyn Eagle speaks of a 
 social event where the house was " brilliantly lighted 
 from basement to cellar." 
 
 Drowned — Paid to a woman whose husband was 
 drowned by order of the vestry under London Bridge, 
 £1, Is. — Books of an Overseer of a London Yestry. 
 
 Living after Death — A newspaper, referring to 
 an accident, says, ''The man that was killed lived nine 
 days afterwards." 
 
 Quite English — Stablekeeper : " By-the-way, shall 
 I put in an extra buffalo ? " 
 
 English Blood : " Couldn't you let me 'ave an 'orse, 
 you know ? Er-er rather not drive a buffalo first time, 
 you know." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 195 
 
 A Galway Tipstaff — A Galway tipstaff being 
 questioned as to whether he had spoken to the jury dur- 
 ing the night replied, *'No, my lord. They kept call- 
 ing out for me to bring them whiskey, but I always 
 said, 'Gentlemen of the jury, it is my- duty to tell you 
 that I'm sworn not to spake to you.' " 
 
 Billings on Blunders — Thare iz nothing that yu 
 and I make so menny blunders about, and the world so 
 few, az the aktual amount ov our importance. — Josh 
 Billings. 
 
 This affords just grounds to the other colleges for 
 indignation. — Boston Gazette. (Italics should begin 
 the sentence.) 
 
 A Secretary's Blunder — A certain laird, employ- 
 ing a secretary, made an appointment with a neighbor 
 to go hunting the next day, but changed his mind. He 
 requested the secretary to write to his friend that he 
 could not keep the engagement; but if he would come, 
 the gamekeeper, with the dogs, would go with him to 
 the moors. The secretary wrote: 
 
 ''My Dear Sir : I am happy to inform you that the 
 laird does not mean to shoot himself to-morrow; but he 
 says if you come, the gamekeeper will accompany you 
 and the rest of the dogs to the hill." 
 
 A Compliment — A compliment, whose apparent 
 signification is exactly the reverse of what the speaker 
 wishes to convey, is well illustrated by the colonel, 
 who, taking his leave at a garden party, inquires, 
 "Have I had the pleasure of saying good-bye to you, 
 Miss Mary?" 
 
196 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Habeas Corpus — Sir Boyle Roche, arguing for the 
 Habeas Corpus Suspension Bill in Ireland : "It would 
 surely be better, Mr. Speaker, to give up not only 2,' part ^ 
 but, if necessary, even the whole of our Constitution, to 
 preserve the remainder !''' 
 
 An Amateur Performance — ''Yes," said Mrs. 
 Partington, as the ladies at the sewing meeting were 
 counting their resources, "and then the young people 
 will give one of their immature performances. That 
 will help a great deal." 
 
 Ice-Cream — "Mike, an' it's yourself that can tell 
 me how they make ice cream?" "In truth, I can; 
 don't they hahe them in coiold ovens, to be sure." 
 
 Argument of Counsel — The court could not inject 
 the administrator and fund backward into the teeth of 
 the dead writ. — Barnes v. Hays. 
 
 Newspaper Bulls — The first on our list is taken 
 from an Irish paper, and is in the form of an advertise- 
 ment for a laborer and a boy, and concludes thus : 
 "With grazing for two goats ; both Protestants." An 
 Irishman, writing on the late Baron Dowse, concluded 
 his eulogium, "A great Irishman has passed away. 
 God grant that many as great, and who shall as wisely 
 love their country, may follow him." A Dublin paper 
 heard that " The health of Mr. Parnell has lately taken 
 a very serious turn, and fears of his recovery are 
 entertained." Several English papers quoted this with- 
 out detecting the bull. A Cork paper, in descril:)ing an 
 interval of peace in a stormy public meeting, said, "For 
 some time a great calm raged." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 197 
 
 Nayther — Mr. Hogan, after hammering on the 
 door for five minutes : "Is it dead or alive ye are?" 
 Mr. Grogan, withip: "Nayther; I'm shlapin." 
 
 Emphasis — It is curious to observe how many and 
 various may be the meanings attributable to the same 
 sentence according as emphasis is thrown upon one 
 word or another. Thus the sentence, "The study of 
 Logic is not supposed to communicate a knowledge of 
 many useful facts," may be made to imply that the study 
 of Logic does communicate such a knowledge although 
 it is not supposed to do so; or that it communicates a 
 knowledge of a, few useful facts; or that it communicates 
 a knowledge of many useless facts, — jevons. Logic, 
 
 Not a Laughing Matter — "It did not surprise me 
 much," said the Frenchman, "to find somebody laugh- 
 ing at my efforts in the way of English. But when one 
 of the Americans comes out of the school to say ' Bone 
 jower, monsoor; commint voos portis voos?' I cannot 
 laugh; I weep." — Washington Post, 
 
 A Lecture Item — "You've broken that lecture item 
 nicely," said the editor to the foreman. 
 
 "How so?" 
 
 "You've cut off all the names of those present but 
 two, and made me say, 'Scattered through the hall 
 were J. Bronson Smithers and Mrs. Smithers ! ' " — PueJc, 
 
 His life has ended in a sad mistake which began with 
 such bright prospects, (Italics should follow "life.") 
 
 Notice — On an Irish church door: This is to give 
 notice that no person is to be buried in this churchyard 
 
198 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 but those living in the parish. Those who wish to be 
 buried are desired to apply to me, Ephraim Grubb, 
 Parish Clerk. 
 
 Clerical Mixture — A clergyman once musing on 
 our common mortality gave vent to his feelings in the 
 remarkable apothegm, " We're here away and to-day 
 
 Latin Maxims — A late venerable practitioner, who 
 wanted to write a book, and was recommended to try 
 his hand at a translation of Latin law maxims as a thing 
 much wanted, translated messis sequitur sementem, with 
 ' a fine simplicity, into "the harvest follows the seed- 
 time;" and actor sequitur forum rei he made, "the 
 agent must be in court when the case is going on." — 
 HEARD, Oddities of the Law. 
 
 Flock — A Detroit paper speaks of a "flock of 
 hogs." That may be "English as she is spoke," but to 
 illustrate the fact it ought to hold up to view a drove of 
 hens, a pack of cows, and a herd of sheep. 
 
 Museum Freaks — A Southern hotel advertises 
 among its attractions a " parlor for ladies thirty-five feet 
 wide." 
 
 Criticism — Criticism very often consists in measur- 
 ing the learning and the wisdom of others, either by our 
 own ignorance or by our little technical and pedantic par- 
 tialities and prejudices. Every one has heard of the 
 mathematician who objected to Shakespeare that his 
 works proved nothing. Equally luminous was the 
 remark of the lawyer who, happening to catch the 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 199 
 
 words, "a deed without a name," — uttered by the 
 witches in Macbeth — repeated, "a deed without a name 
 — why, 'tis void." — Tin Trumpet. 
 
 Liquidated Debt — A debt is liquidated when 
 it is certain what is due and how much is due. — BlacFs 
 Law Dictionary. 
 
 A New Operation — A Yorkshire vicar received 
 the following note from one of his parishioners: 
 
 "This is to give you notis that I and Miss Jemima 
 Arabella Brearly is coming to your church on Saturday 
 afternoon nex, to undergo the operation of matrimony 
 at your hands. Pleas be promp, as the cab is hired by 
 the hour." 
 
 The Bishop's Sermon — Customer: "What did you 
 think of the bishop's sermon on Sunday, Mr. Wigsby?" 
 
 Ilair-dresser : "Well, really, sir, there was a gent 
 a-settin' in front of me as 'ad his 'air parted that crooked 
 that I couldn't 'ear a word." 
 
 The modern Oxford reformer is apt to be a democrat 
 in kid gloves ; he propounds revolutionary sentiments 
 sufficient to make a bishoj^'s hair bristle on his head in a 
 subdued and ladylike voice. — Sketches of Cambridge. 
 (Italics should follow "propounds.") 
 
 Autographs — Daniel O'Connell, the Irish orator, 
 was applied to by a friend for his autograph ; to which 
 he replied: 
 
 "Sir, I never send autographs. 
 Yours, 
 
 Daniel O'Connell." 
 
200 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Announcement by an Irish Trader — These goods 
 will be sold at oxyon. 
 
 Clear the Court — An Irish crier at Ballinasloe, 
 being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announce- 
 ment, ''Now, then, all ye blackguards that isii^t lawyers 
 must lave the coort." 
 
 Posthumous — Posthumous works, said an Irishman, 
 are those which a man writes after he is dead. 
 
 We see the utility of the invention at once. (Italics 
 should follow *'see.") 
 
 For Life — Little Bobby's mother, who believes in 
 cautioning her children against the consequences of fool- 
 ish acts, had often said to him, " If you get before the 
 train, or fall into the water, you may be killed; and 
 when one is dead it is for a long time." 
 
 One day Bobby, while walking with his uncle, took 
 pains to keep at a safe distance from the shore of the 
 river. "If I should fall m I should be drowned," he 
 exclaimed; "and when you're drowned, you're dead; 
 and when you're dead, it's for life!" — YoutKs Com- 
 panion, 
 
 Fatally Wounded — Sym23athetic citizen: "Is he 
 fatally wounded, do you think, officer? " 
 
 Officer: "Two av the wounds is fatal, sor, but 
 the third is not, an' if we can lave him rest quiet for a 
 f while, I think he wud come around all rigjht." 
 
 To Rent — A cottage containing eight rooms and an 
 acre of land. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 201 
 
 By Sea and Land — An Irishman, relating the dan- 
 gers and difficulties he had undergone by sea and land, 
 said, with great seriousness, '' I believe I have suf- 
 fered everything that man fears but death; and I expect, 
 if I live, to suffer that also." 
 
 A Greek was not more unlike a Frenchman than the 
 theatres of the two nations. — g. ticknor. Life of G. T. 
 ('< Were unlike one another" should follow "nations.") 
 
 Something She Did Need — Lady of the house, 
 sharply: " No, sir, I don't need no soaps." 
 
 Peddler, suavely, opening another valise: " ' Ele- 
 ments of Grammar,' ma'am? Only fifteen cents." — 
 Chicago Tribune. 
 
 A Bad Accident — "Yes," said Mrs. O'Halloran, 
 "Patsy met wid a bad accident, sure enough. How 
 was it afther happenin'? ye ask. It was loike this. He 
 was wurrukin', as ye know, on the new sewer, an' wa'n't 
 payin' much attention to things, an' so happened to have 
 his pick u]) in the air when the six o'clock whistle 
 blowed, an' of course he lets go av it an' looks fer his 
 coat, an' the pick comes down on his fut. Be gob, it'll 
 not happen so agin, for he swears he'll not sthrike a lick 
 wid the pick afther a qua-r-r-ter past foive. " 
 
 A Boiler Explosion — An Irish paper announces 
 that at a recent boiler explosion between three and four 
 men were injured. 
 
 Grammatical Accuracy — With regard to grammar 
 as a technical study, Prof. Hill is an uncompromising 
 foe. "Would not our schools be better off," he asks, 
 
202 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 *' if every vestige of the Liudley Murray system were 
 swept out of them? " And he goes on to say, "Gram- 
 matical accuracy should, in my judgment, be taught by 
 examj^le rather than by precept, indirectly than directly. 
 What progress there would be if all the teachers in the 
 schools of every grade were all the time on the watch for 
 errors. " 
 
 The animal machine is made so as to perform move- 
 ments of a determined intensity and speed without 
 fatigue. (Italics should follow "perform.") 
 
 A Weak Test — Having missed money at different 
 times, without being able to discover who took it, Less- 
 ing determined to put the honesty of his servant to the 
 test, and left a handful of gold on the table. 
 
 " Of course you counted it," said one of his friends. 
 
 * ' Counted it ! " said Lessing, rather embarrassed, 
 <«no, I forgot that." 
 
 A Regular Veteran — Mrs. Kawler : "So your 
 son is a doctor? Has he been in the business long ? " 
 
 Mrs. Backlotte : " Oh, yes, 4ie must have been, for 
 he wrote that he is a veterinary at it." 
 
 Irate Customer: "Look here, Einstein, when I 
 bought this suit of you, you guaranteed satisfaction." 
 Einstein : " Veil, vot's de madder of you? I vos sad- 
 isfied." — TAfe. 
 
 An Irish Policeman — The judge asked an Irish 
 policeman, named O'Connell, " When did you last see 
 your sister? " The policeman replied, "The last time 
 I saw her, my lord, was about eight months ago, when 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 203 
 
 she called at my house, and I was out." '*Then you did 
 not see her on that occasion? " The Irishman answered, 
 ** No, my lord, I wasn't there." 
 
 Uncertainty of Life — " Noo, my gude bairns," 
 said a schoolmaster to his class, "there's another in- 
 stance o' the uncertainty o' human life; ane o' your ain 
 schulemates — a fine wee bit lassie — went to her bed 
 hale and well at nicht, and rose a corpse in the morn- 
 ing." 
 
 It will scarcely be supposed that I publish a letter, 
 however deeply interesting in itself, so liable to miscon- 
 struction, vnthout much consideration. — coleridge, Mem- 
 oirs of John Kehle. — (Italics should follow "publish.") 
 
 An Irish Proclamation — In the proclamation of 
 an Irish mayor we are informed that certain business is 
 to be transacted every Monday (Easter Sunday only ex- 
 cepted). 
 
 The reason why Socrates was condemned to death 
 was on account of his unpopularity. (Omit "on ac- 
 count of.") 
 
 A Good One on the Bench — Wiggins, an Irish 
 lawyer, in the course of an argument before the Supreme 
 Court of Pennsylvania, addressed the court as "gentle- 
 men" instead of "your honors." After adjournment, 
 a practical joker, a friend of Wiggins, took him aside 
 and said, " You made a great mistake in your remarks, 
 in addressing the court as 'gentlemen ; ' the chief jus- 
 tice was very much offended, and you had better apolo- 
 gize for it in the morning, or your case will suffer." 
 
204 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Wiggins determined to make the matter all right. At 
 the opening next morning, he rose and said, ''May it 
 please the court, I rise to beg your honors' pardon for 
 a blunder of mine, committed yesterday. In the heat 
 of debate I so far forgot myself as to call your honors 
 'gentlemen.' I will endeavor not to make the mistake 
 again." 
 
 Fail — A country girl wrote to her lover, "Now, 
 George, don't you fale to be at the singing-school to- 
 night." George wrote back, "In the bright lexicon of 
 youth — Webster's Unabridged — there's no such word as 
 
 Complimentary — A gentleman was complimenting 
 Madame Denis on the manner in which she had just 
 acted Zara. "To act that part," said she, "a person 
 should be young and handsome." "Ah, Madame," re- 
 plied the complimenter, "you are a complete proof of 
 the contrary." 
 
 Always Very Tall — Two street boys were brag- 
 ging as to their height. " Oh, when I get to be as old 
 as you," said the younger of the two, "I shall be just 
 as tall as you are." 
 
 "I don't know about that," replied the other, "for 
 I was always very tall, even when I was little." 
 
 Typographical Errors — In making up newspapers 
 
 — that is, in piecing together paragraphs into columns 
 
 — two separate items may sometimes be jumbled to- 
 gether with amazing results. Thus the New Haven 
 «7bi«'«rt/ announced in one paragraph that "The large 
 cast-iron wheel, revolving nine hundred times a minute, 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 205 
 
 exploded in that city yesterday after a long and painful 
 illness. Deceased was a prominent thirty-second degree 
 Mason;" and in another that "John Fadden, a well 
 known florist and real-estate broker of Newport, R. I., 
 died in Wardner Russell's sugar mill at Crystal Lake, 
 111., on Saturday, doing 13,000 damages to the building 
 and injuring several workmen severely." 
 
 An English paper, however, produced a far more 
 ludicrous conglomeration. Dr. Mudge had been pre- 
 sented with a gold-headed cane, and the same week a 
 patent pig-killing and sausage-making machine had been 
 exhibited in the village of which he was pastor. The 
 gentleman w^ho made up the forms got the two locals 
 frightfully entangled in the following appalling manner : 
 "Several of the Rev. Dr. Mudge's friends called upon 
 him yesterday, and, after a conversation, the unsuspect- 
 ing pig was seized by the hind leg, and slid along a 
 beam until he reached the hot-water tank. His friends 
 explained the object of their visit, and presented him 
 with a very handsome gold-headed butcher, who grabbed 
 him by the tail, swung him round, cut his throat from 
 ear to ear, and in less than a minute the carcass was in 
 the water. Thereupon he came forward, and said that 
 there were times when the feelings overpowered one, 
 and for that reason he would not attempt to do more 
 than thank those around him for the manner in which such 
 a huge animal was cut into fragments was simply astonish- 
 ing. The doctor concluded his remarks, when the ma- 
 chine seized him, and in less time than it takes to write 
 it the pig was cut into fragments and worked up into 
 delicious sausage. The occasion will be long remem- 
 bered by the Doctor's friends as one of the most de- 
 lightful of their lives. The best pieces can be procured 
 for ten pence a pound, and we are sure that those who 
 
206 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 have sat so loiii^ under his ministry will rejoice that he 
 has been treated so handsomely." — Monthly Illustrated 
 American. 
 
 Justice O'M alley — Dublin once boasted a magis- 
 trate, one Justice O'Malley, whose eloquence and erudi- 
 tion made him the pride and delight of the city. "So, 
 sorr," he thundered to an old offender who had often 
 escaped what the judge always spoke of as "the butt- 
 end of the law," " Y'arre about to incur the pinalty of 
 your malefactions. Justice, sorr, may purshue wid a 
 leaden heel, but she smites," — here the quotation elude(^ 
 him — "she smites," — triumphantly — " she smites wid 
 a cast-oiron toe ! " 
 
 The only regret now left us is that the text of the 
 Old Testament has not been given in full, as was so 
 excellently done by Von Tischendorf in the case of the 
 New. — The Academy. ("This seems to imply," says 
 Dr. Hodgson, "That Von T., in editing the New Testa- 
 ment, gave the text of the Old.") 
 
 Admitting Yourself out op Court — A legal 
 phrase, signifying a liberality of concession to your 
 opponent by which you destroy your own cause. This 
 excess of candor was well illustrated by the Irishman, 
 who boasted that he had often skated sixty miles a day. 
 " Sixty miles ! " exclaimed an auditor, " that is a great 
 distance ; it must have been accomj^lished Avhen the 
 days were longest." " To be sure it w^as ; I admit that," 
 cried the ingenuous Hibernian. — Tin Trumpet. 
 
 Enlarging the Curriculum — "Are you in favor of 
 enlaroino^ the curriculum? " asked a School Board mem- 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 207 
 
 ber of a farmer in his district, somewhere near Bon- 
 agher. "Enlarge nothing," replied the old man; "the 
 building's big enough. What we want is to teach more 
 things to the scholars." 
 
 A Butcher's Stock — Butcher, to boy: "I say, 
 Tom, have you delivered Mr. Smith's joint and Mrs. 
 Jones's ribs? " "Yes, sir." " That's right. Don't for- 
 get to cut off Mrs. Brown's skirts, and Aveigh Mrs. 
 O'Malley's pigs' feet." 
 
 Graveyard Literature — This stone is erected to 
 the memory of Thomas Laing, who died on July 13, 
 1880, by his son Ulysses G. Laing, who now carries on 
 his business with the same public-spirited enterprise at 
 the Bonanza Cyclopean Stores, Bond Street ; see adver- 
 tisements in the daily papers. — Chamber's Journal. 
 
 Too many innovations should not be attempted at 
 once, unless w^here there happens to be, as in chemistry, 
 a predisposition to admit them. — s. bailey. Letter to a 
 Political Economist. In that case too many innovations 
 should be attempted. — hodgson. 
 
 A Physician's Blunder — People are laughing at a 
 doctor in a little village in Pennsylvania who, in filling 
 out a certificate of death, inadvertently wrote his own 
 name in the blank space reserved for "cause of death." 
 
 The Sphinx — An uninformed Irishman, hearing the 
 Sphinx alluded to in company, whisDered to a friend, 
 " The Sphinx ! who is that, now?" 
 
 "A monster, man." 
 
 "Oh, a Munster-man J I thought he was from Con- 
 
208 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 naught," replied the Irishman, determined not to seem 
 totally unacquainted with the family. 
 
 Very Mixed —An adopted citizen of the United 
 States, writing to a friend in Ireland, says, " If ivir it's 
 me fortune to live till I die — and God knows whether 
 it'll be so or no — I'll visit ould Ireland afore I leave 
 Philadelfy." 
 
 Absent-Minded — Absent-minded speakers in pulpit 
 and prayer-meeting often make comical blunders, as 
 when a minister, receiving among the notices a slip 
 on which was written, "Jones is better; you need not 
 2>ray for him again," astonished the congregation by 
 reading it in regular order among the notices. We once 
 heard a minister say, in a very deliberate and dignified 
 manner, "I hold in my letter a hand which I will read 
 to you." A man in a prayer-meeting is reported to have 
 said, "As I was sitting on my thought, a seat passed 
 through my mind." A minister, intending to say, 
 "We all know what it it is to have a half- formed wish 
 in our hearts," said, " We all know what it is to have a 
 half -warmed fish in our hearts." — Christian Register. 
 
 Of nineteen tyrants who started up after the reign of 
 Gallienus, there was not one who enjoyed a life of peace 
 or a natural death. — gibbon. Rise and Fall. 
 
 Irish Measure — "How large a house are you going 
 to build, Mike? " asked a gentleman of an Irishman who 
 was about to build a new house. 
 
 " Oi've not decided for sure, sor, but I think it'll be 
 about twinty feet square by twinty-foive long, sor." — 
 Youth'' s Conij^ anion. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 209 
 
 Reader — A well-known English epitaph commences, 
 *' Reader, if thou canst read." This is somewhat akin 
 to the hand-board at the creek crossing, <'The ford is 
 dangerous when this board is covered by water." 
 
 Not Marketable — Mendicant: "Can't you give 
 me a few pemnies for my poor family at home, sir? " 
 
 Merchant : '* No, no, man ; I don't want to buy any 
 poor family." — Yonkers Statesman. 
 
 NoN Sequitur — Meaning, it does not follow. Non 
 seqititnr is well illustrated by the Birmingham boy 
 who, being asked whether some shillings which he ten- 
 dered at a shop were good, answered with great simplic- 
 ity, "Ay, that they be, for I seed father make 'em all 
 this morning;" and by the following humorous quota- 
 tions from a "Lecture" by Artemus Ward : 
 
 " I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth, — • 
 not a tooth in his head, — yet that man could play on 
 the bass drum better than any man I ever met." 
 
 " I never on any account allow my business to in- 
 terfere with my drinking." 
 
 And Mark Twain says, "Benjamin Franklin was 
 always proud of telling how he entered Philadelphia, 
 for the first time, with nothing in the world but two 
 shillings in his pocket and four rolls of bread under 
 his arm. But really, when you come to examine it crit- 
 ically, it was nothing. Anybody could have done it." 
 
 A Scotch Specimen — A Scotch judge once ad- 
 dressed a jury thus: "Gentlemen, having shown to you 
 that the case made for the plaintiff is absolutely im270ssi- 
 ble, I shall now proceed to prove to you that it is in the 
 highest degree improbable.'''' 
 
 14 
 
210 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 The author has felt that clergymen more than tliose 
 of other professions will study this treatise. — townsend, 
 Art of Speech. (Clergyynen more than clergymen of 
 oilier professions. ) 
 
 Thought He Knew Him — An Irishman who was 
 standing on London bridge, said to a youth, 
 
 "Faith, and I think I know yees ; what's yer 
 name?" 
 
 " Jones," said the boy. 
 
 "Jones, Jones," said the Irishman ; "and I knew 
 seventeen ould women by that name in Dublin. Was 
 aither of them your mither? " 
 
 A Verbal Lease — There was a Civil Justice in one 
 of the lower courts of New York City, who, during the 
 existence of the Stamp Act, of his own motion dismissed 
 a suit on a verbal lease because the plaintiff had not 
 proved that the lease was stamped according to the Act. 
 — The Green Bag. 
 
 The Irish Union — Sir Boyle Roche, in one of the 
 debates on the question of the Irish Union, closed a 
 speech in favor of it by saying that "it would change 
 the barren hills into fruitful valleys." 
 
 Highly Colored — A colored clergyman in Phila- 
 delphia gave notice from the pulpit, "There will be a 
 four days' meeting every evening this week, except 
 Wednesday afternoon." 
 
 One on O'Connell — O'Connell, in one of his 
 speeches in Conciliation Hall, told his followers that if 
 measures injurious to Ireland were brought to Parlia- 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. Sll 
 
 ment he would go over to England, and "die on the 
 floor of the House of .Commons in opposition to them; " 
 and when he came back he would say, "Are you for 
 Repeal now?" 
 
 Many scenes or incidents which are graphically 
 narrated are told as well or better by other travelers. 
 — Natural History of Ireland. (One cannot narrate a 
 scene.) 
 
 A Query — 
 
 I wrote one day a sonnet, 
 
 Upon a lady's bonnet, 
 A straw one 'twas, and on it 
 
 She wore a ribbon blue. 
 
 Now which was straw, the sonnet, 
 
 Or was't the lady's bonnet 
 With ribbon blue upon it ? 
 
 Can any tell me true ? 
 
 NoN Sequitur — A grammatical Adam, being a rel- 
 ative without an antecedent ; something that is apropos 
 to nothing, and comes after without following from. Of 
 this figure there are various sorts ; but the most com- 
 mon form is putting the cart before the horse, or taking 
 the effect for the cause. " Were you born in wedlock? " 
 asked a counsel of a witness. " No, sir, in Devonshire," 
 was the reply. " Young woman," said a magistrate to 
 a girl who was about to be sworn, "why do you hold 
 the book upside down?" " I am obliged, sir, because I 
 am left-handed." A written non sequitur, not less 
 amusing, was involved in the postscript of the man who 
 hoped his correspondent would excuse faults of spelling, 
 if any, as he had no knife to mend his pens. — Tin 
 
212 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Trumpet, A lecturer, who was contending, at a tiresome 
 length and great tautological perplexity, that 'Art could 
 not improve Nature,' was startled "half out of his 
 boots" by the question, in a deep, sonorous voice, by 
 one of his audience, "How do you think-you would 
 look without your wig? " The question was a "poser". 
 — the argument a non sequitur. 
 
 Gluttony — The proneness of the Irish wit to hyper- 
 bole is well illustrated in the story of the man who de- 
 scribed the gluttony of a young pig by saying that he 
 had fed him with two pailf uls of milk and meal, and 
 then put the pig in the pail, which it didn't half fill. 
 
 A Telegraphic Blunder — A gentleman in San 
 Francisco, learning that an estimable lady in Los Angeles 
 had suddenly lost all her property, and was in a con- 
 dition of actual want, telegraphed to a friend, a lawyer 
 
 of Los Angeles, "Assist Mrs. immediately." The 
 
 word "assist" was changed to "arrest," and the poor 
 woman's misery was increased by a night in a prison 
 cell. 
 
 A Little Distracted — Professor, a little distl'acted: 
 " I'm glad to see you. How's your wife ? " 
 
 "I regret it, professor, but I'm not married." 
 "Ah, yes, then, of course, your wife's still single." — 
 Fliegende Blaetter. 
 
 Tombstone Literature — Here lies John Higley, 
 whose father and mother were drowned in their passage 
 from America. 
 
 Had they both lived, they would have been buried 
 here. — At Belturhet^ Ireland. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 213 
 
 AifGLiNG — ''Any t'ing pite you dere ? " inquired one 
 Dutchman of another, while engaged in angling. "No, 
 not'ing at all." "Veil," returned the other, " not'ing 
 pite me, too." 
 
 An Empty Schedule — A forwarding clerk in Dub- 
 lin scheduled to a steam company one package of empties 
 as follows: " One empty hamper containing three empty 
 
 The well disciplined array of ex-officials who knew far 
 better than he did all he did not know of usage, precedent 
 and detail. — torrens m'cullagh, Life of Sir James 
 Graham. 
 
 A False Rumor — A reporter, sent to investigate 
 the rumor that a well-known citizen had become insane, 
 paragraphs the result, "There was a report yesterday 
 that something was the matter with Mr. Sander's head. 
 It is as sound as it has always been. There is nothing 
 in it." 
 
 A Cold Summer — "Did ye ever know such a cold 
 summer as this?" asked Mike of a fellow Irishman. 
 "Yes," answered Pat. 
 "When?" 
 "Last winter, be jabers ! " 
 
 Antiquities — An English gentleman who had vis- 
 ited Cyprus was asked if there were many antiquities on 
 the island. "Antiquities!" he cried; " why, the place 
 is alive with them ! " 
 
 The failure of the book will rather be due to want 
 
214 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 of ability than to want of honest preparation in the 
 author.— mahaffy, Art of Conversation. (Italics should 
 follow *'due.") 
 
 Too Much Treatment — "Good morning, Mrs. 
 Gilligan ; how is Patrick this morning? " 
 
 ' ' Sure he's no better, sir ! " 
 
 "Why don't you send him to the hospital to be 
 treated? " 
 
 "To be treated is it? Faith, an' it's the delarium 
 trimmins he has already ! " 
 
 Big Words — An instance of the misunderstanding 
 and misuse of big words by the negroes happened in 
 a hotel in Louisville. One day, when the hotel was un- 
 usually crowded, the waiter, who served meals to a 
 small party, did not appear with his customary bow and 
 smile of welcome. After some delay he came up hur- 
 riedly, with the apologetic words, "You mus' excuse 
 me, for you know, of co'se, I had to wait on the tran- 
 soms first." 
 
 Beauty — "Ye call that a beauty? " said Pat; " faith 
 I can see twinty handsomer women on Washington 
 shtreet ivery day, wid me oyes shut." — Boston Tran- 
 script. 
 
 Evolution of a Law — An ordinance of the Council 
 of Falaise provided that "No citizen shall go out at 
 night .without a lantern." A supplement read, "No 
 citizen shall go out at night without a candle in his 
 lantern." The ordinance and supplement required a 
 lantern with a candle in it, but made no provision for 
 light. Hence it became necessary to pass another sup- 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 215 
 
 pleraent, "No citizen shall go out at night without a 
 lighted candle in his lantern." 
 
 Thoughtful Timothy — Mrs. Brown: "How pro- 
 voking ! Didn't you see, Timothy, that the letter on my 
 table had no address ? " 
 
 Timothy: " Yes, mum ; but I thought you didn't 
 want any one to know who you was sendin' it to." 
 
 The workmen are beginning to arrest men who ex- 
 press Fenian sentiments for themselves. — Spectator. 
 (Italics should follow "beginning.") 
 
 Death Notes — The mortal remains of the late Mr. 
 Edward Tinsley, whose sudden departure from among 
 us we had to record a few days since, tooh place yester- 
 day at the Putney Cemetery. — The Star. 
 
 Letter from Judy O'Halltgan — 
 
 Parish of Bally wacking, Feb. 14, 18 — . 
 
 Dear Neffa: — I haven't sent ye a letther since the 
 last time I wrote to ye, because we have moved from our 
 former place of livin' and I didn't know where a letther 
 would find ye; but I now wid pleasure tak up my pin to 
 inform ye of the death of yer own livin' Uncle Kilpat- 
 rick, who died very suddenly last wake, after a lingering 
 ■^sickness of six wakes. The poor man was in violent 
 convulsions the whole time of his illness, lying per- 
 fectly still all the time, spachless intirely, talkin' inco- 
 herently and crying for wather. I had no opportunity 
 of informin' you by the last post which wint two days 
 before his death, and then you'd had the postage to pay. 
 I'm at a great loss to tell what his death was occasioned 
 by, but I fear it was by his last sickness. He never was 
 
216 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 well tin days together during the whole time of his con- 
 finement; but bay that as it will, as soon as he braythed 
 his last the doctor gave up all hopes of his recovery.. 
 
 I needn't tell ye anything about his age, for ye well 
 know that in May nixt he would have been twenty-five 
 years old, lackin' tin months; and had he lived till that 
 time he thin would have been six months dead. His 
 property is very considerable; it devolved upon his next 
 kin, who is dead some time since, so that I expect it will 
 be equally divided betwane us — and thin, me dear Larry, 
 ye'll git two-thirds of the whole, and ye know he had a 
 fine estate, which was sowld to pay his debts, and the 
 remainder he lost on the horse race. But it was one 
 opinion of all the ladies present that he would have won 
 the race if that horse he ran against hadn't been too fast 
 for him — bad luck to the baste! But, poor sowl, 
 he'll niver ate nor drink any more; and now, Larry, ye 
 haven't a livin' relation in the world, except myself and 
 yer two cozens that was kilt in the last war. 
 
 But I can't dwell upon this mournful subject, but 
 will sale the letter with black saleing wax and put on 
 your uncle's coat of arms. So I beg ye not to brake the 
 sale when ye open the letther, until two or three days 
 after ye resave it; by that time ye will be betther pre- 
 pared for the mournful tidings. 
 
 Yer old swateheart, Mary, sends her love to ye, un- 
 beknownst to me. When the bearer of this arrives in 
 Hamilton, ax him for this letther, and if he doesn't know 
 which one it is, tell him it's the one that spakes of your 
 uncles death, and saled in black. 
 
 . Judy O'Halligan. 
 
 Locked Out — "Why, you'd better knock the door 
 down. What do you want? " 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 217 
 
 *'Och, my darling ! don't let me wake any of your 
 family. I'm just using your knocker to wake the people 
 next door. I'm locked out, d'ye see, and they've niver 
 a knocker." 
 
 Quarterly Meetings — Notice: The churchwar- 
 dens will hold their quarterly meetings once in six 
 weeks, instead of half-yearly, as formerly. 
 
 An Unfortunate Remark — Bagley : '< How's that 
 pretty little widow over in Harlem that you have been 
 raving about lately? " 
 
 Bailey: " Oh, she's married." 
 
 Bagley: *'You don't seem to have very good luck 
 in your matrimonial ventures, do you, Bailey?" 
 
 Bailey : "Oh, I don't know. You see, I'm the one 
 she married." — Judge, 
 
 When the tramps complained of the farmer's dogs, 
 he called them ill-bred curs. (Ambiguous because 
 *' curs" may apply to dogs or to tramps.) 
 
 It was our duty not to give hasty judgments, until 
 both sides of the question were before us. — Manchester 
 Examiner and Times. (That is, in that case we may 
 give as hasty judgments as we please.) 
 
 Burglary — An Irish paper, referring to a burglary, 
 says, * 'After 21, fruitless search, all the money was recov- 
 ered, except one pair of boots." 
 
 O'Hooligan's Plurality — Mrs. O'Toole : << Good 
 marnin' to ye, Misther O'Hooligan, an' jye be wid ye, 
 for it's a father ye are," 
 
218 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Mr. O'Hooligan : <' Faix, but the harruf hasn't been 
 tould ye, Missus O'Toole, an' it's more than one father 
 I am when it's thriplets, bedad." — Life. 
 
 Convincing Proof — *'Suretoime was invinted in 
 Ireland." 
 
 Jeweler : "Why do you think so? " 
 
 " Begorra, d'yez be after thinkin' its name would be 
 O'clock if it didn't come from the owld sod? " 
 
 The Very Image — *'You look so much like your 
 brother," said Dennis to Phelim, "that I could tell yez 
 was brothers if I'd niver seen aither av yez." 
 
 A Mere Skeleton — "Gentlemen of the jury," said 
 an Australian lawyer, "the case for the crown is a mere 
 skeleton — a mere skeleton, gentlemen, for, as I shall 
 presently show you, it has neither flesh, blood, or bones 
 in it." On another occasion he solemnly declared that 
 a certain verbal agreement ' ' was not worth the paper it 
 was loritten on.'*'' 
 
 NoN- Intervention — The following is Talleyrand's 
 definition of "non-intervention ; " "It is a metaphysical 
 and political expression which means about the same as 
 intervention." This is not more lucid than the reply of 
 Bishop Blomfield, to whom was referred the question 
 put by Mr. Joseph Hume to Lord Al thorp, what is an 
 archdeacon. "An archdeacon," said the bishop, " is an 
 ecclesiastical officer who performs archidiaconal func- 
 tions." — BENT, Sliort Sayings of Great Men. 
 
 A Well -Meaning Sexton — "This bell," said a 
 well-meaning sexton, when showing the belfry of an 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 219 
 
 interesting village church to a party of visitors, ''is only- 
 rung in case of a visit from the Lord Bishop of the dio- 
 cese, a fire, a flood, or any other such calamity." 
 
 Value of a Comma — The misplacement of a comma 
 cost the government about two millions of dollars. The 
 blunder occurred in a tariff bill more than twenty years 
 ago. There was a section enumerating what articles 
 should be admitted free of duty. Among the many ar- 
 ticles specified were ''all foreign fruit-plants," etc., 
 meaning plants for transplanting, propagation, or experi- 
 ment. The enrolling clerk, in copying the bill, acci- 
 dentally changed the hyphen in the compound word 
 "fruit-plants" to a comma, making it read "All foreign 
 fruit, plants," etc. The consequence was that for a 
 year, until Congress could remedy the blunder, all 
 oranges, lemons, bananas, grapes, and other foreign 
 fruits were admitted free of duty. 
 
 Mixed Metaphor — The following declaration of Sir 
 Boyle Roche is a happy illustration of mixed metaphor : 
 "Mr. Speaker, I smell a rat; I see him floating in the 
 air ; but mark me, sir, I will nip him in the bud. " 
 
 A Pleasant Reminder — Jenkins, writing to thank 
 his aunt for a large goose she had sent him for his Xmas 
 dinner, says, " You could not have sent me a more ac- 
 ceptable present, or one that would have reminded me 
 of you more pleasantly." — Courier des Etats Unis. 
 
 He Recognized Himself — A farmer once sent his 
 servant to a wealthy neighbor with a letter requesting 
 the loan of a donkey. When the servant arrived it hap- 
 pened that this man, who was uneducated, was in com- 
 
220 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 pany with some wealthy acquaintances whom he did 
 not wish to know of his inability to read. So taking the 
 letter and after pretending to read it, he turned to the 
 servant and said, <' All right; tell your master that I 
 shall be with him presently." — The Irish Times. 
 
 Hence he considered marriage with a modern political 
 eco7iomist as very dangerous. — disraelt. Curiosities of 
 Literature. (Italics should follow "hence.") 
 
 Teaching — Irate father: "I'll teach you to lie 
 and steal, you rascal, you ! " 
 
 Wayward son, from the midst of the scrimmage : 
 "Oh, don't trouble — ouch ! — yourself, father. I know 
 how already ! " 
 
 A Boston Servant — A Boston servant, like many 
 of her class, does not know her age. She has lived 
 with one family eleven years and has always been 
 twenty-eight. But not long ago she read in the news- 
 paper of an old woman who had died at the age of 
 a hundred and six. "May be I'm as ould as that 
 mesilf," said she. " Indade, I can't remimber the time 
 whin I wasn't alive." 
 
 Apology and Postscript — The man who, apologiz- 
 ing for not taking part in a debate, remarked, " I never 
 open my mouth in public for fear of putting my foot in 
 it," reminds us of the other man who sent a hillet doux to 
 his lady love, and added as a postscript, "Please send 
 a speedy answer, as I have somebody else in my eye." 
 
 A Singular Verdict — A Pekin, 111., coroner's jury 
 rendered a very singular verdict that a man whose body 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 221 
 
 was found in the river came to his death by a blow on 
 the head, <' which was given either before or after the 
 drowning." 
 
 A Sinecure — When Curran exclaimed in the Irish 
 Parliament, '^I am the guardian of my own honor," 
 Sir Boyle Roche wished the gentleman "joy of his sine- 
 cure appointment." — Recollections of Sir Jonah Bar- 
 rington. It is sometimes quoted, "Faith, I knew the 
 honorable gentleman would accept a sinecure." — bent, 
 Short Sayings of Great Men. 
 
 Mrs. Partington — "Are you the judge of repro- 
 bates?" said an old lady, as she walked into Judge Mona- 
 han's office. 
 
 "I am the judge of probate," was the reply, 
 "Well, that's it, I expect," quoth the old lady. 
 ''You see, my husband died detested, and left me sev- 
 eral little infidels, and I want to be their executioner." 
 
 Wullie's Count — Two Pittenweem fishermen were 
 calling to each other from their respective boats on their 
 return from a deep-sea fishing expedition. "Weel, 
 Geordie, what like's yer catch the day ? " "No muckle 
 to brag o', Wullie," was the reply; "the big fish were 
 gey seldom. What like's yer ain?" "Fine man, fine ! 
 We've got a lot o' gey big anes; it wadna tak' mony o' 
 them to mak' a hunder." 
 
 Value of a Comma — A Prussian school inspector 
 appeared at the office of the burgomaster of a little town 
 to ask him to accompany him on a tour of inspection 
 through the schools. The burgomaster was out of sorts, 
 and was heard to mutter to himself, "What is this 
 
222 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 donkey here again for ? " The insj^ector said nothing, 
 but waited his time, and with the unwilling burgomaster 
 set out on his tour. At the first school he announced 
 his wish to see how well punctuation was taught. "Oh, 
 never mind that," grumbled the burgomaster, "we 
 don't care for commas and such trifles." But the in- 
 spector sent a boy to the blackboard and ordered him to 
 write, "The burgomaster of R. says, the inspector is a 
 donheyy Then he ordered him to transpose the comma, 
 placing it after R., and to insert another one after in- 
 spector, and the boy wrote, "J'Ae burgomaster oj- M., 
 says the inspector, is a donkey.^'' It is probable that the 
 refractory official gained a new idea of the value of 
 "commas and such trifles." — London Journal of Edu- 
 cation. 
 
 Well Intended — An old Irishman, bidding fare- 
 well to a friend departing for Australia, said, "Good- 
 bye, my boy; may you live forever, and when you die, 
 may you die happy." 
 
 Parliamentary Blunders — I can drive a coach and 
 six through any act of Parliament. — Daniel 0"* Connell. 
 
 Her success is neither the result of system nor stra- 
 tegy. — Traits of Character, (Italics should follow ' 'of. ") 
 
 Blackberries — An Irishman was once asked if he 
 had ever seen a red blackberry. "To be sure I have," 
 said Pat; "all blackberries are red when they are green." 
 
 Genuine "Ads" — The skill of the ordinary adver- 
 tisement writer is continually illustrated. It almost 
 pays to read the advertisements to get the queer ex- 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 223 
 
 araples of business English that they contain. The 
 other day we noticed these: 
 
 If you buy a pair of Dumkof's pantaloons you will 
 never buy another. 
 
 Just received, a fine lot of live Ostend rabbits. Per- 
 sons purchasing the same will be skinned and cleaned 
 while they wait. — JBoston Transcript. 
 
 Railway Notice — On a certain railway the follow- 
 ing luminous direction was printed: " Hereafter, when 
 trains in an opposite direction are approaching each 
 other on separate lines, conductors and engineers will 
 come to a dead halt before the point of meeting, and be 
 careful not to proceed until each train has passed the 
 other." 
 
 An Irish Delivery — Mistress, wishing to see if her 
 message had been correctly delivered : "What did you 
 tell the ladies, Bridget? " 
 
 Bridget: "I told 'em yez wasn't feelin' well, and 
 yez was goin' to call on 'em soon, and they sez they was 
 sorry to hear it." 
 
 Advertisement — Rats and gentlemen catched and 
 waited on and all other jobs performed by Solomon 
 Gundy. 
 
 Such — " I have never before seen such a large ox." 
 By a little transposing of the words of this sentence 
 we have, " I have never before seen an ox such large," 
 which makes it quite clear that we should say so large 
 an ox and not such a large ox. As proof that this error 
 in the use of such is common, we find in Mr. George 
 Washington Moon's "Dean's English and Bad Eng- 
 
224 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 lish," the sentence, "With all due deference to such a 
 high authority on such a very important matter." With 
 a little transposing, this sentence is made to read, 
 " With all due deference to an authority such high on a 
 matter such very important." It is clear that the sen- 
 tence should read, " With all due deference to so high 
 an authority on so very important a matter." The 
 phrases, such a handsome, stcch a lovely, such a long, 
 such narrow, etc., are incorrect, and should be so hand- 
 some, so lovely, so long, and so on. — Alfred aykes. 
 The Verbalist. 
 
 She published a separate volume of poems, and con- 
 tributed many beautiful short pieces of poetry to Cham, 
 ber's Journal and other leading periodicals, which are 
 marked by great vigor and originality." — Traits of 
 Character. ("To Chamber"^ s Journal and other lead- 
 ing periodicals " should follow "contributed.") 
 
 Organist and Music Teacher — Among the replies 
 to an advertisement of a music committee for " a can- 
 didate as organist, music teacher, etc., was the follow- 
 ing : "Gentlemen, I noticed your advertisement for 
 organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. 
 Having been both for several years, I offer you my ser- 
 vices." 
 
 Directions by a " Far- West " Boy to a New York 
 Editor — The first house you come to is a barn, and the 
 next is a hay-stack. 
 
 The Cause of Blundering — An Irishman was 
 asked why his countrymen were so remarkable for blun- 
 dering. "Faith," said Pat, "there is something in the 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDEES. 226 
 
 air of Ireland; and, I dare say, if an Englishman was 
 born there he would do the same." 
 
 Three R's — Sir William Curtis, a very illiterate 
 man, but fully alive to the necessity of instruction, was 
 once called upon at a public dinner to propose sc toast, 
 when he gave "The three R's — Reading, Riting, and 
 Rithmetic." 
 
 Two OF A Kind — Biddy: *'Yis, and the poor thing 
 kept sinking, and never revived until afther she had 
 breathed herlasht." 
 
 Mary Ann: "Yis, and even thin she was spachless, 
 Oi've heard." 
 
 A Sad, Sad World — '*This is a sad and bitter 
 world," remarked a gentleman of Irish extraction. 
 '* We never strew^ flowers on a man's grave until after he 
 is dead." — Washington Hatchet. 
 
 Not Lost — An Englishman traveling in Kilkenny, 
 arriving at a ford, hired a boat to take him across. In 
 crossing he asked the boatman if any one had ever 
 been lost in the passage. "Never," replied Pat; "my 
 brother was drownd here last week, but we found him 
 the next day." 
 
 An Irish Caller — O'Rafferty: "Tell Mr. Jackson 
 that I called to see him." 
 
 Servant: "What name, sah, so I kin tell Mr. Jack- 
 son who called ? " 
 
 O'Rafferty: "Phat do you want to repate me name 
 to Mr. Jackson when he knows it already." — alex. e. 
 
 SWEET. 
 
226 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 WiLKiNS — A witness, in describing an event, said, 
 <'the person I saw at the head of the stairs was a man 
 w^ith one eye named Wilkins." (What was the name of 
 the other eye?) 
 
 Her mother . . . watched her fair young daughter 
 flitting about amongst the dark Italians, and speaking 
 their language so easily and fluently, with great maternal 
 pride. — Dharyna. (Italics should follow "watched.") 
 
 Malaria— "Malaria?" said the Old Orchard Beach 
 landlady. "Well, no, we haven't got it; folks haint 
 asked for it; but we'll get it for your family." — Lake 
 Pleasant [Massachusetts) News, 
 
 Missionary Rum — A minister, lately addressing a 
 woman's missionary meeting, said that "thousands of 
 gallons of rum go into Africa for every brother who is 
 sent there;" whereupon one of the sisters whispered to 
 her neighbor, "Rather a large allowance for them mis- 
 
 A Muddle of Pronouns — Men look with an evil 
 eye upon the good that is in others, and think their rep- 
 utation obscures them, and that their commendable qual- 
 ities do stand in their light ; and therefore the}/ do what 
 thei/ can to cast a cloud over them, that the bright 
 shining of their virtues may not obscure them. — bishop 
 TiLLSTON. The sentence is a complete muddle of pro- 
 nouns. PROF. SWINTON. 
 
 Erratum — The following is taken from an old Dub- 
 lin newspaper: "Erratum. — In our yesterday's num- 
 ber, under the head of Fashionable Intelligence, for 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 227 
 
 * His Grace^ the Duchess of Rutland,' read ' Her Grace," 
 the Duke.'" 
 
 A Matter of Rent — < ' Have you got the rent ready 
 at last? " 
 
 *'No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to 
 put it out for you." 
 
 '' Did she tell you she'd forgotten? " 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 Caricature — A judicious imitation of Dr. John- 
 son's phraseology on trifling subjects was a favorite 
 manner of attack among the critics. Erskine's account 
 of the Buxton baths is one of the most amusing. When 
 several examples of this sort were shown to Johnson, 
 at Edinburgh, he pronounced that of Lord Dreghorn the 
 best ; " but," said he, " I could caricature my own style 
 much better myself." 
 
 A Farmer's Letter — A farmer, who raised a great 
 many hogs, attended a State Fair in Ohio, and wrote the 
 following letter to a neighbor: "Dear Friend — Yes- 
 terday I inspected the live stock department of the fair. 
 You will be interested to know that the display of 
 hogs was unusually large. Amongst the hogs I saw 
 some of your breed, and was very much surprised at not 
 seeing you there yourself." — Tid-bits. 
 
 He is to speak to-night on the Civil War at the opera 
 house. (Italics should follow " speak.") 
 
 Anxious to Please — Master: "Pat, I thought I 
 engaged you to carry bricks up that ladder by the 
 day?" 
 
228 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Master : ' ' Well, I've been watching you, and you've 
 only done it half a day to-day. The other half you 
 spent coming down the ladder." 
 
 Pat: " Oi'll thry to be doin' betther to-morry, sor." 
 
 Brother or Sister? — A parson reading the funeral 
 service at the grave forgot the sex of the deceased, and 
 asked one of the mourners, an Emeralder, <'Is this a 
 brother or a sister?" 
 
 ** Neither," replied Pat, "only a cousin." 
 
 Literal Interpretation — It is an elementary rule 
 that a thing which is within the letter of a statute is not 
 within the statute, unless it be also within the meaning 
 of the legislature. . . . Language is rarely so free 
 from ambiguity as to be incapable of being used in more 
 than one sense; and to adhere rigidly to its literal and 
 primary meaning in all cases would be to miss its real 
 meaning in many. If a literal meaning had been given 
 to the laws which forbade a layman to lay hands on a 
 priest, and punished all who drew blood in the street, 
 the layman who wounded a priest with a weapon would 
 not have fallen within the prohibition, and the surgeon 
 who bled a person in the street to save his life would 
 have been liable to punishment. On the literal con- 
 struction of his promise, Mahomed II's sawing the 
 Venetian Governor's body in two, was no breach of his 
 engagement to spare his head; nor Tamerlane's burying 
 alive a garrison, a violation of his pledge to shed no 
 blood. — Endlich on the Interpretation of Statutes. 
 
 There was a law, that those who in a storm forsook 
 the ship should forfeit all property therein; and that the 
 ship and lading should belong entirely to those who 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 229 
 
 staid in it. In a dangerous tempest all the mariners 
 forsook the ship, except only one sick passenger, who, 
 by reason of his disease, was unable to get out and es- 
 cape. By chance, the ship came safe to port. The sick 
 man kept possession and claimed the benefit of the law. 
 Now here all the learned agree, that the sick man is not 
 within the reason of the law ; for the reason of making 
 it was to give encouragement to such as should venture 
 their lives to save the vessel ; but this is a merit which 
 he could never pretend to, who neither staid in the ship 
 upon that account, nor contributed anything to its pre- 
 servation — Blackstone. 
 
 Which End — A judge, pointing with his cane to a 
 prisoner before him, remarked, " There is a great rogue 
 at the end of this stick." The man replied, *' At which 
 end, your honor? " 
 
 A column of black smoke rose from the smokestack 
 of the engine, more than a mile high, in the valley 
 below. (Italics should follow *' black smoke.") 
 
 A Remarkable Advertisement — An English reli- 
 gious paper printed the following remarkable advertise- 
 ment : "A cultured, earnest, godly young man desires 
 a pastorate. Vivid preacher, musical voice, brilliant 
 organizer. Tall, and of good appearance. Blameless 
 life. Very highest reference. Beloved by all. Salary, 
 £120." 
 
 Not in the Fight — An Irishman apologizing for 
 running away from a fight, said, ^'Bedad, I'd rather be 
 a coward fifteen minutes than a corpse the rest of my 
 life." 
 
^30 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Epitaph Literature — The following inscription, 
 says a New York paper, is to be seen in an American 
 graveyard : "Here will lie Mr. James Jones ; at present 
 he lives and carries on his shoe business at 150 Frank- 
 lin Street." — Chamber* 8 Journal. 
 
 Coffins — An editor, puffing air-tight coffins, said, 
 "No person having once tried one of these coffins 
 will ever use any other." 
 
 • 'The sky became more and more cloudless.'^'* Read, 
 The sky gradually became cloudless. The sky may be 
 cloudless^ that is, have no clouds in it ; but it cannot be 
 inore cloudless^ that is, have fewer clouds than none. — 
 A. s. HILL, The Foundations of Rhetoric. 
 
 Not Exactly What She Meant — Horace, standing 
 on the steps and looking out at the pitiless storm : 
 " How it comes down ! " 
 
 Penelope, absent-mindedly : " I do hope you may be 
 able to get home before it stops raining." 
 
 Horace, stiffly : "I think I can." Rushes out into 
 the storm. 
 
 The dexterity of the Chinese juggler almost appears 
 miraculous. (Italics should follow "appears.") 
 
 A Public Document — Muscar, commandant of 
 Ostend, to the commandant in chief of his British 
 Majesty : 
 
 General, the council of war was sitting when I re- 
 ceived the honor of your letters. We have unanimously 
 resolved not to surrender the place until we shall have 
 been buried in its ruins, etc. 
 
Bulls and blunders. ^31 
 
 Stamps — Haughty lady, who has just purchased a 
 stamp : *' Must I put it on myself? " 
 
 Stamp clerk : "Not necessarily. It will probably 
 accomplish more if you put it on the letter." 
 
 Meant What He Said — Ilardup, indignantly : 
 '* You said this coat would wear like iron, and here it is 
 all split up the back already." 
 
 Cohen: " Veil, don'd iron crack?" 
 
 A clever magistrate would see whether he (a witness) 
 was deliberately lying a great deal better than a stupid 
 jury. — Spectator. (Italics should follow *'see.") 
 
 On His Dignity — "Is Mistah Gwaynus in? " asked 
 the sable caller. 
 
 "He is, sah," replied the dusky functionary at the 
 door ; " but he is occupied.'^'' 
 
 "How soon, sah," said the caller, pulling up his 
 shirt collar, " will Mistah Gwaynus be vacant?^'' 
 
 An Obituary Notice — An obituary of an aged 
 Christian woman says that she constantly read one of 
 our religious monthlies "till her mind failed." — Con- 
 gregatio7ialist. 
 
 A Domestic Paradox — "You know, Johnny, you 
 cannot have your cake and eat it, too." 
 
 Johnny: "But, mother, how can I eat it unless 
 I have it?" — Boston Transcript. 
 
 Force of Habit — Patient: "Doctor, let me know 
 the worst." 
 
 Doctor, absent-mindedly : "Your bill will be $200." 
 
232 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Paradox — "All rules have their exception," is 
 self-contradictory, for, if all rules have exceptions, this 
 rule must have its exceptions. Therefore, the proverb 
 asserts in one and the same breath that all rules have ex- 
 ceptions and that some rules do not, — a clear case of 
 proverbial suicide. 
 
 No allusion was made to the defeated enemy in 
 accordance with the orders given by the educational 
 authorities. (Italics should begin the sentence.) 
 
 A Blunderbuss — Pat Harkin and his brother 
 Barney went out shooting one day with a gun between 
 them. Pat had the gun, but it was not loaded, and they 
 started a rabbit rather suddenly. Pat put the gun to 
 his shoulder, when Barney cried, " Hould on, Pat, 
 the gun is not loaded ! " ** Och," said Pat, " hould yer 
 whist now ; shure the rabbit does not know that ! " 
 
 A Colored Preacher's Remarks — A lady tells the 
 CJiristian Advocate that she heard a colored preacher 
 say, "De fo' part of de house will please sit down, fo' 
 de hind part cannot see de fo' part if de fo' part persist 
 in standing befo' de hind part, to de uttah obsclusion ob 
 de hind part by de fo' part." 
 
 A Letter of Thanks — A friend writing an author 
 a letter of thanks for a copy of his work, says, ambigu- 
 ously, **I will lose no time in reading your book." 
 
 Her Own Vocabulary — A certain Maine w^om^n 
 who has plenty of dollars but a very hazy idea oi^ 
 English orthography, returned from a visit to New 
 York recently. Said she to a friend: 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDEKS. 233 
 
 <<0h, I had such a perfectly lovely time. Every- 
 thing was so convened, you know. We stopped in a 
 house where we rode up to our room in a refrigerator, 
 and I always had my washing done at the foundry right 
 there in the house. It was awful nice. Then there 
 wasn't no stove and no clutter in the rooms. There 
 was one of these legislaters right in the floor and the 
 heat poured right up through." 
 
 **How did it happen that you came back so quickly? " 
 
 "Oh, well, you see Sairy didn't have no appertite. I 
 
 had the hardest work to get her anything that she could 
 
 realize. Honestly, when I got her home she was almost 
 
 a individual." 
 
 ** Leading statisticians assert that more persons annu- 
 ally choke to death while eating in England than are 
 killed on the English railroads." It must be terribly 
 monotonous to annually clwke to death. — Boston 
 Transcript. 
 
 Ireland and England — An Irishman, being joked 
 on the blunders of his countrymen, observed that Eng- 
 lishmen every moment made bulls no less ridiculous. 
 "What," said he, "will you say to ill health, bad suc- 
 cess, much too little, vastly little, excessively small, 
 negative success, acquitted felons ? " 
 
 Dentist's Sign — Teeth extracted with great pains. 
 
 Which One? — The young melodram^-tist, telling 
 the story of his new play to the manager, said, 
 
 "As the robbers crawl in at the window the clock 
 strikes one." 
 
 "Ah," said the manager, "which one?" 
 
234 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Lesson in Language — " What are we waiting on, 
 conductor?" asked a passenger from Chicago, when the 
 train came to a standstill. 
 
 "We are waiting on the track," replied the con- 
 ductor, who was a Boston man. — Lippincotf s Magazine. 
 
 *A. chapel, the appearance of which denoted it to have 
 long seen no other congregation than that of rats, whose 
 devastations were indeed sufficiently obvious in the rotten 
 beams and worm-eaten chairs. — Canterbury Tales. 
 
 Quarter -Sessions — A newly-elected mayor, in one 
 of the smaller towns of the Emerald Isle, wishing to 
 give some proof of bis desire for work, announced that 
 he intended to hold his quarter-session monthly. 
 
 Humor of Misspelling — There is an autograph let- 
 ter of General Herkimer,«of Revolutionary fame, in the 
 library of the Oneida Historical Society, at Utica, New 
 York. It is a unique document, and sheds so suggestive 
 a light upon the character of the education possessed 
 by him, and upon the strange and mongrel Dutch- 
 English language which was in current use in the Mo- 
 hawk Valley during the Revolution, that it is worth 
 quoting. 
 
 "seryu will order your bodellgen do mercks im- 
 miedeetleh do ford eduard wid for das profiesen and 
 amonieschen fied for an betell. dis ju will du ben yur 
 berrell foram frind Nicolas herchkeimer to earn ell pieder 
 bellinger ad de flats ocdober 18, 1776." 
 
 An expert translates this curious order as follows : 
 *' Sir, You will order your battalion to march immedi- 
 ately to Fort Edward, with four days' provisions and 
 ammunition for one battle. This you will disobey (at) 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 235 
 
 your peril. From (your) friend, Nichoias Herkimer. 
 To Colonel Peter Bellinger, at the flats." — walsh, Lit- 
 erary Curiosities. 
 
 Absent-Minded — Customer: "Have you embroid- 
 ered night shirts?" 
 
 Absent-minded salesman: <'I never have; have 
 you? " — Smith, Gray <& Go's Monthly. 
 
 A New One to Him — A man from one of the back 
 counties, filling an easy position at the National Mu- 
 seum, Washington, was home on a vacation. A friend 
 said to him, "I understand you have a sinecure down 
 there." "Not that I know of," he replied innocently; 
 " but they're getting in new animals every day or so, 
 and may be it's come since I left." 
 
 The Governor's Share — In the Irish Bank Bill, 
 passed in June, 1808, there is a clause providing that 
 the profits shall be equally divided, and that the resi- 
 due shall go to the governor. 
 
 Killed by the Cars — " Henery? Wy, Henery died 
 'mos' a yeah ago wid a kyarbuncle." 
 
 "My! It's awful how many gits killed on dem 
 kyars nowadays wid de bilers bustin' air a gittin' 
 scrunched 'tween de kyar-buncles." 
 
 Coroner's Notice — Hen Peters got killed this morn- 
 ing and ther coroner has just gone out to hold an insect 
 on him. 
 
 Pat's Testimony in the Riot Case — Be hivhis, 
 the first man I saw coming at me was two brickbats. 
 
236 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 You have already been informed of the sale of Ford's 
 Theatre, where Mr. Lincoln was assassinated, for reli- 
 gious purposes. — Times. (Italics should follow "sale.") 
 
 A Sweeping Statement — "Jane, how is this? Didn't 
 I tell you to sweep the front as far as the corner?" 
 
 "Indade, mum, yez didn't; yez told me to swape 
 the front poorch an' walk to the corner, an' I did it, 
 mum, though for me loife I couldn't see why yez 
 wanted me to walk to the corner." 
 
 Ear-Makks — Dobbs says he ear-marks his hogs dif- 
 ferently from other people, and can tell them as far as 
 he can see them. He cuts three pieces off their tails, 
 while others cut but one. 
 
 Impromptu Definitions — An Ohio school commit- 
 tee must have been puzzled to decide wlwch of two can- 
 didates for a schoolmarmship was the better fitted for 
 the post, the young woman who averred that "respira- 
 tion" was the "prespiring" of the body, or her rival, 
 who believed "emphasis" was the putting more "dis- 
 tress" on one word than another, definitions worthy 
 of a place beside those achieved by the English medical 
 student responsible for "hypothesis, something that 
 happens to a man after death;" and "irony, a substance 
 found in mineral wells, which is carefully preserved in 
 bottles and sold by chemists as tincture of iron." 
 
 A Lucid Argument — "What side is the gentleman 
 on? " asked the stranger who had been listening for two 
 hours to a lawyer arguing a case in the Supreme Court. 
 
 " I don't know," replied the gentlemanly door- 
 keeper ; "he hasn't committed himself yet." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 237 
 
 Love — "Do you t'ink you love me, Dinnis?" asked 
 Judy. 
 
 *' Go 'way now, darlint; av coorse I do ! " 
 
 ** How do you know it, Dinnis?" 
 
 <'Be the way I appreciate your prisince when Oi'm 
 away from ye." 
 
 He best knew the need of consolidating the colonies 
 he had made free under one government. (Italics should 
 follow *' consolidating.") 
 
 Stretching the Truth — Widow Johnsing : <'Doan' 
 yo' t'ink, deakin, dat Prof. Yawper straitched de trufe in 
 his disco'se dis ebenin?" 
 
 Deacon Fowlah : " Straitch am nuffin', Mrs. John- 
 sing ; wha, I wouldn' beliebe dem Ues ef I tole 'em 
 maself ! " 
 
 Predominance — Shop assistant : ''You see, mum, 
 although the red predominates, the white predominates 
 more so, and yet the blue predominates most of all." 
 
 Personal Column — A correspondent writes to know 
 what he ought to get for "kicking cows." We should 
 
 say about a year if he does it habitually Westfield 
 
 Leader. 
 
 I will neither attempt to palliate nor deny. (Italics 
 should follow " attempt.") 
 
 The Blind Musician — An Irishman, after witness- 
 ing the wonderful performances of Blind Tom, the pian- 
 ist, remarked to his friend, "Be the powers, that's the 
 best music I iver heard wid me two ears," 
 
238 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 «*He does pretty well for a blind man, doesn't he?" 
 
 <'He does indade. But I was just thinkin' of wan 
 thing." 
 
 "What's that?" 
 
 "It wouldn't make any difference to him if he 
 wasn't blind." 
 
 "Why not?" 
 
 "Well, I wor watchin' him all evenin' and he niver 
 looks at the pianny anyhow." — Merchant Traveler. 
 
 Difficult — Doctor: "And now, as to the swelling 
 on the back of your head, there is nothing serious about 
 it at present, but you must keep your eye fixed on it." — 
 FUegende Blaetter. 
 
 A Conference Committee — At the A. M. E. Con- 
 ference in a Western city, a colored member in present- 
 ing a motion said, "Mr. Chairman, I moves the 'point- 
 ment of a committee of not less than thirteen nor more 
 than seven." 
 
 Rare Beauty — A Frenchman, having received the 
 photograph of a lady, asked a friend what was custom- 
 ary under the circumstances. "Compliment it," replied 
 the friend. "Tell her its beauty is very rare." "I 
 beg to make zee acknowlemong, madam," he said to her 
 at the next meeting; "zee beauty of madam is vair 
 scarce." 
 
 A French Passport — The mayor of a French town 
 gave the following passport to a person who intended to 
 travel: "Hair and eyebrows, black; eyes, brown; fore- 
 head, usual shape and size. Resembles his father very 
 piuch in all other respects," 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 239 
 
 Major O'Brien — Among those mortally wounded at 
 Waterloo was Major O'Brien, afterwards distinguished 
 for his bravery in the Indian Wars. — Irish Anchor. 
 
 Exaggeration, Intemperate — Diminishing by addi- 
 tion, as the word *' small" is made ''smaller" by append- 
 ing two more letters to it. When a man asserts too 
 much, whether in the shape of praise or censure, we take 
 our revenge by falling into an opposite error, and be- 
 lieve too little. The same effect is often produced by 
 that confusion of ideas or terms which is designated a 
 bull. A radical, inveighing against the rapacity of the 
 clergy, gave it as his decided opinion that if they had 
 their own way they would raise the tithes from a "tenth" 
 to a "twentieth." On the other hand, an intended dimin- 
 ution, by the same figure of speech, may amount to an 
 exaggeration. " I have just met our old acquaintance 
 Daly," said an Irishman to his friend, "and was sorry 
 to see he has almost shrunk to nothing. You are thin 
 and I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us put 
 together." Did the Hibernian sailor exaggerate or dimin- 
 ish when, in describing the weather, he said, "There 
 was but little wind, but what there was was uncommonly 
 high." — Tin Trumpet. 
 
 There is no paper as yet of striking and sensational 
 importance. (Italics should follow "is.") 
 
 Damage — Mr. Kenny fell from a carriage and broke 
 his neck, but received no further damage. — Irish Pcq^er. 
 
 Scotch Criticism — "Na," said a Scotchman, "I 
 have no feelings o' enmity against Irishmen. I like 
 them. One o' the best frien's I ever had was an Irish 
 
240 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 chiel. The Irish are all right. The only fau't I find 
 wi' an Irishman is that he cannaor winna speak the Eng- 
 lish language without a brogue. His auxunt's awfu'." 
 
 A Drop Too Much — Brown: "You know, I'm 
 quite a near neighbor of yours now, Mrs. Golightly. 
 I've just taken a little house on the river." 
 
 Mrs. Golightly: ''Oh ! well, I hope you'll drop in 
 some day." 
 
 A Crowded House — An Irish newspaper, refer- 
 ring to a theatrical performance, says, "The beautiful 
 theatre was crowded with hundreds more than it could 
 hold." 
 
 An Ambiguous Rule — "What's this extra charge 
 for? " asked Mr. Hayseed. 
 
 "We charge extra for gas burned all night," re- 
 plied the hotel clerk. 
 
 "Why, consarn your picturs ! you've got a sign 
 there, plain as kin be, ' Don't blow out the gas !' " 
 
 Ireland vs. England. — A quartermaster in a regi- 
 ment of light-horse, who was more than six feet high 
 and very corpulent, was joking an Irishman about the 
 natural proneness of his countrymen to make bulls in 
 conversation. " By my soul," said the Irishman, " Ire- 
 land never made such a bull as England did when she 
 made a light-horseman of you." 
 
 Saving a Life — A very good one is told of a fellow 
 who was present at a fire. The building was a dwell- 
 ing-house, and a lady appeared at a third-story window, 
 crying for help to save her life. The Irishman, greatly 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 241 
 
 moved at this, commenced shouting for a rope, when 
 a by-stander interrupted him with, "What do you want 
 with a rope?" 
 
 «*Why, to haul her out, ov coorse," was the ready 
 reply. 
 
 He blew out his brains after bidding his wife good- 
 bye with a gun. — Connecticut Paper, 
 
 A Schoolmaster's Certificate — At an official in- 
 quiry into the sanity of a young man of large prop- 
 erty, witnesses were being called to prove that he was 
 unfit to manage his affairs. A curious slip was made 
 by a schoolmaster when asked if he had formed any 
 opinion as to the state of mind of the alleged lunatic. 
 *'0h, yes," he replied, <<I can certify he is an idiot. 
 He was one of my favorite pupils." 
 
 Habits must be acquired of industry and frugality. 
 (Italics should follow ** Habits.") 
 
 Over-Training — Over-caution and over-preparation 
 not seldom defeat their own object. Washington Irv- 
 ing tells of a Dutchman, who, having to leap a ditch, 
 went back three miles that he might have a good run at 
 it, and found himself so completely winded when he 
 arrived at it again that he was obliged to sit down on 
 the wrons: side to recover his breath. 
 
 ■& 
 
 Lawyers generally know too much of law to 
 have a very clear perception of justice, just as divines 
 are often too deeply read in theology to appreciate the 
 full grandeur and the proper tendencies of religion. 
 Losing the abstract in the concrete, the comprehensive 
 
 16 
 
242 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 in the technical, the principal in its accessories, both 
 are in the predicament of the rustic who could not see 
 London for the houses. — Tin Trumpet. 
 
 A Wonderful Fact — "I have been in a country," 
 said a Nebraska j^reacher, '* where the hand of man has 
 never set a foot." 
 
 A Safe Key — "John," said the dealer, <* where is 
 the key to this self -locking safe? " 
 
 <'Insoid, sorr. It'll not be lost there, sorr." 
 
 An additional number of sentinels are to be placed 
 in Hyde Park to prevent the robberies which happened 
 last winter — London Palmer. 
 
 Maiden Name — Lawyer Stanley: "You'll have to 
 sign your maiden name to that document, madam." 
 
 Mrs. Hooley : "Be gorry, we hav been married that 
 long I forget it. Phwat was it, Pat ? " 
 
 Mr. Hooley: "Sure I used t' be that attentive t' 
 your cousin Katie I forget meself phwich one of yez I 
 married." 
 
 Sir Morton Peto spoke of the notion that the 
 national debt might be repudiated ^^nth absolute contempt. 
 — Spectator. (Italics should follow " spoke.") 
 
 Reductto ad Absurdum — (Reduction to an absurd- 
 ity), a familiar bit of logical fence by which the argument 
 or proposition is carried out to an absurd conclusion. 
 
 A recent example is afforded by Mr. Spurgeon's re- 
 buke to certain of his followers who refused to interfere 
 in politics on the ground that they were "not of this 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 243 
 
 world." This, he argued, was mere metaphor. "You 
 might as well," said he, "being sheep of the Lord, de- 
 cline to eat mutton on the plea that it would be 
 cannibalism." 
 
 John Wilkes was once asked by a Catholic priest, 
 "Where was the Protestant Church before Luther?" 
 "Did you wash your face this morning?" asked 
 Wilkes. "I did, sir." "Then where was your face 
 before it was washed ? " retorted Wilkes. 
 
 "Is it not right," said a conservative, advocating 
 the justice and propriety of an hereditary nobility, 
 " that, in order to hand down to posterity the virtues of 
 those who have been eminent for their services to their 
 country, their posterity should enjoy the honors con- 
 ferred on them as a reward for such services ?" *'By 
 the same rule," replied a lady, " if a man is hanged for 
 his misdeeds, all his posterity should be hanged too." — 
 WALSH, Literary Curiosities. 
 
 Pure Milk — An enterprising man just embarking 
 in the milk business distributed circulars announcing 
 that he was prepared to supply "milk of the first 
 water." 
 
 A Vassar Criticism — "Shall I shovel off the side- 
 walk, ma'am?" inquired the boy with the snow-shovel. 
 
 "No ; I may need the sidewalk again," replied the 
 good woman, who happened to be a Vassar graduate. 
 "You may remove the snow, however." — Harper'' s 
 Bazar. 
 
 The attempts of ignorant or half-educated persons to 
 use fine or sounding words, and their unconscious substi- 
 tution of others having a wholly different meaning, are 
 
244 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 fruitful sources of the ludicrous. The colored preacher, 
 who, after listening with his congregation to a learned 
 white preacher's sermon, thanked the Lord in his prayer 
 for *' the manner in which the Gospel had been dis- 
 pensed with," and the doctor who, referring to a mys- 
 terious event, exclaimed, " the ways of Providence are 
 unscrupulous," fall within this category. — william 
 
 MATHEWS, LL. D. 
 
 There was a leak in the roof last night and it ran 
 all over the house. (What was it — the leak, the roof, 
 the night, or the rain that ran over the house?) 
 
 An Early Riser — "Pat, you must be an early 
 riser. I always find you at work the first thing in the 
 morning. " 
 
 '^Indade, an' Oi am, sor. It's a family thrait, Oi do 
 be thinkin'." 
 
 **Then your father is an early riser, too, eh?" 
 
 *'Mefeyther, is it? Faix, an' he roises that early 
 that ef he'd go to bed a little later he'd mate himself 
 gettin' up in the mornin'." 
 
 Couldn't Stand Sitting — Judge Woodward was 
 approached by a Freeland attorney who desired to have 
 an aged townsman of his excused from jury duty. The 
 judge demanded the reason and the attorney promptly 
 answered, "If your honor please, he is an aged man 
 and can't stand sitting." 
 
 Judge Woodward quickly saw the point, and admit- 
 ted that it was well taken. 
 
 Notice in Restaurant Window — Wanted, a boy 
 to open oysters fifteen years old. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 245 
 
 Verdict of a Coroner's Jury. — We find that the 
 deceased came to her death by being found dead in her 
 bed. 
 
 Each clergyman declares aloud that he believes it a 
 dozen times every year of his life. — anthon y trollope. 
 (Italics should come last.) 
 
 An Irish Statute. — The Irish Statute-book opens 
 characteristically with, " An act that the King's officers 
 may travel by sea from one place to another within the 
 land of Ireland." — heard, Oddities of the Law. 
 
 Simplicity of Style — Miss Bleecker, of New York : 
 "Did you hear that Mr. Gurley was short in his 
 accounts ? " 
 
 Miss Emerson, of Boston : "Yes ; I learn that his 
 computations are somewhat abbreviated." — Judge. 
 
 Connubial Confab — "Arrah, Pat, and why did I 
 marry ye? jist tell me that — for it's meself that's had to 
 maintain ye ever since the blessed day that Father 
 O'Flanigan sent me home to yer house." 
 
 " Swate jewul," replied Pat, not relishing the 
 charge, "and it's meself that hopes I may live to see the 
 day you're a widow, waping over the cowld sod that 
 covers me ; thin, by St. Patrick, I'll see how ye will git 
 along widout me, honey." 
 
 Swear Not at All^ — Charles Bannister, on being 
 reproved fo^ his profanity by a friend, who reminded 
 him of the commandment, "Swear not at all," replied, 
 "I do not swear at all. I only swear at those who of- 
 fend me." 
 
246 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A man was killed by a railroad car running into 
 Boston, supposed to he deaf. — New England Paper. 
 (Italics should follow <'man.") 
 
 Newgate Prison — In a bill for pulling down the 
 old Newgate in Dublin and rebuilding it on the same 
 spot, it was enacted that the prisoners should remain 
 in the old jail till the new one was completed. — heard, 
 Oddities of the Law. 
 
 Pronunciation — "I sutn'y does hate to hyur words 
 mispernounced," said Uncle Jasper. 
 
 "Whose bin a mispernouncin'? " asked his wife. 
 
 "Jenkins Walker. He wus talkin' 'bout de conven- 
 tion, an' said enthusenasm twice 'stead of enthusal- 
 asm." 
 
 The minister who grows less by his elevation, like a 
 little statue on a mighty pedestal^ will always have his 
 jealousy strong about him. (Italics should follow 
 "who.") 
 
 Life Preservers — "Phwat are these things yez 
 have nailed an the roof ? " asked an Irishman on a Poto- 
 mac River steamboat. 
 
 " Those are life-preservers. If anything happens to 
 the boat, you could take one of those and swim ashore." 
 
 " Och, be hivins, it's meself 'ud sooner dhrown than 
 jump intel any such cowld wather as that." 
 
 Proverbial Wisdom — Moral teachers^are fond of 
 encouraging us with various good proverbs, such as 
 Labor omnia vincit. It is difficult to say exactly what 
 is meant by "Labor overcomes all things," unless it 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 247 
 
 it be that a sufficient amount of labor will accomplish 
 any practicable scheme. But of course it does not fol- 
 low that, because a great collective amount of labor will 
 build a pyramid, or make a canal, or compile a cyclope- 
 dia, therefore a single person's individual labor can do 
 such tasks. The proverb has little or no value, because 
 every person can give his own meaning to ''all things." 
 It is said again .that "What man has done, that man 
 can do." As I am a man I might infer logically from 
 these premises that I can swim across the channel like 
 Captain Webb, or write a Paradise Lost like Milton, or 
 discover a new way of making steel like Bessemer, or 
 conquer an empire like Clive. The only way in which 
 the proverb is really true is that, among a collection of 
 a great many millions of men, we can find those who 
 can do all these things. Proverbs often seem wise, 
 because they are very ambiguous. — ^ Jevons, Logic. 
 
 This book provides a treatise which will be of prac- 
 tical use to judges m a compact form. (Italics should 
 follow "provides.") 
 
 A Different Implement — Judge: "And you say 
 the prisoner came up and assaulted you with malice 
 aforethought? " 
 
 Witness: "No, sah ; he didn't use no sech impler- 
 ment as dat. He jes' hit me wid er club, sah." — West 
 Shore. 
 
 An Attorney's Deposition — Dr. Grey, in his eru- 
 dite and entertaining notes on Hudibras, records the 
 deposition of a lawyer, that "the defendant beat his 
 client with a certain wooden instrument called an iron 
 pestle." — Edgeworth. 
 
248 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Alone — An Irish lover remarks that it is a great 
 comfort to be alone, ' ' especially when yer swateheart is 
 wid ye." 
 
 One on the Professor — Professor, to pupil whom 
 he has caught mimicking him: "Mr. Jones, if you don't 
 stop acting like a fool, I shall send you from the class." 
 — Time, 
 
 I found it in the southwest corner of the lot under a 
 bee-hive. (Italics should follow "it.") 
 
 Punctuation — A magazine editor once received a 
 long story, in which there was not a single mark of 
 punctuation except an occasional period. At the bottom 
 of the last page the author had written, "Please put in 
 the decimal points to suit." 
 
 An Advertisement — McFadden : " Faith, and why 
 do yez charge me twenty-five cents fer a hair cut when 
 your sign sez , ' First-class hair cut for fifteen cents ? ' " 
 
 French Barber: "Ah, but, monsieur, your hair eez 
 not first-class." — Quips. 
 
 Contemptible — It is not uncommon to hear persons 
 say, "I have a contemptible opinion of the man," by 
 which they mean not that their opinion is contemptible, 
 but that the man is. 
 
 The familiar anecdote of Doctor Parson furnishes a 
 good illustration both of the incorrect and of the correct 
 use of this word. Some one having said to the Doctor, 
 <*My opinion of you is most contemptible," Parson re- 
 plied, ' ' I never knew an opinion of yours that was not 
 contemptible. " — hart, Co?npositio7i and Rhetoric. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 249 
 
 Found Him — "Did you find Mr. Spriggins, Patrick." 
 
 ''I did, sorr." 
 
 *' What did he say?" 
 
 "Niver a worrud, sorr." 
 
 **Notaword?" 
 
 <'Not a worrud, sorr." 
 
 '*Why not, Patrick?" 
 
 ''Because he was out, sorr." 
 
 «' Out ! I thought you said you found him ?" 
 
 "I did, sorr; I found him out." 
 
 Wanted — An industrious" man to take charge of 
 three thousand sheep %oho can speak German. New 
 Zealand advertisement. (Italics should follow "man.") 
 
 Cremation — Mr. A. P. Rehension : "Cremation 
 Society? What? Cremated? No, siree — not as long 
 as I live." — Light. 
 
 Inscription on a British Finger-Post — 
 
 Had you seen these roads before they were made, 
 You'd lift up your eyes and bless Marshal Wade. 
 
 French-English — A Frenchman of some literary 
 distinction, after studying English for a few months, 
 wrote to an American friend, " In small time I can learn 
 so many English as I think I will come at the America 
 and go on to the scaifold to lecture." 
 
 Mixed Metaphors — There is no place like the 
 House of Commons for a "nice derangement of meta- 
 phor." A well-known member talked not long ago of 
 the "bleating of a bruised worm ; " but it will be a long 
 time before we shall have a "mixture" equal to the 
 
250 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 outburst of an eif usive orator wbo said, "The British 
 Lion, whether it is roaming the deserts of India or climb- 
 ing the forests of Canada, will not draw in its horns or 
 retire into its shell." 
 
 My purpose is to bring the benefits of a high protec- 
 tive tariff into prominence. (Italics should follow 
 "bring.") 
 
 Better Left Unsaid — First stranger : ' ' Slow, isn't 
 it?" 
 
 Second stranger : ' ' Yes, very. " 
 
 *' Let's go home." 
 
 ''I can't. I'm the host." 
 
 Telegraphic — Mistress: "I am so sorry your 
 brother is ill. What does the telegram say ? " 
 
 Miss O'Hoolihan : *' Not much, mum. But it's the 
 tilygram that makes me fear he's a-dyin'. His hand- 
 writin' is that changed I'd never know it at all, at all." 
 
 Forgot Himself — When one of the sons of the 
 Emperor of Austria called his brother the greatest ass in 
 Vienna, the emperor, who was present and highly 
 offended at their quarrel, exclaimed, '* You forget that 
 I am present." 
 
 The Minister's Conclusions — A country clergy- 
 man on a certain occasion chose for his text a passage 
 from the Scrij^tures which had been variously interpreted, 
 and, on concluding his sermon he said, "These are the 
 conclusions I have reached after the most diligent study, 
 but I must inform you that the commentators disagree 
 with me," He was somewhat astonished the next day 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 261 
 
 to receive a big bag of potatoes with the following note : 
 " Reverend and Dear Sir — You told us this mornin' as 
 how common taturs didn't agree with you. I hope as 
 how choice kidneys does." 
 
 Fits — A shoemaker has a card in his window read- 
 ing, "Any respectable man, woman, or child can have a 
 fit in this store." — Bangkok Times. 
 
 Specimens of British Scholarship — Miss A. C. 
 Graham, of Annerley, has received a prize from the 
 University Correspondent for the best collection of school- 
 boy "howlers ;" and they are printed in that periodical. 
 In an accompanying letter Miss Graham says, "When 
 I learned one day the remarkable fact that ' Hied and 
 Odessa translated Euripides,' I felt that the time had 
 come for action ; I was seized with a burning desire to 
 share with others my joy in these facts, and as a means 
 of spreading the *New Learning,' I began to collect 
 from examination papers and answers in class whatever 
 would throw new light on old subjects. I have been 
 some years at it now, and have pleasure in sending you 
 the subjoined twelve extracts from my 'gems.' They 
 are all bona fide answers, the spelling and punctuation 
 being unchanged ; in most cases I have still the original 
 documents from which they are taken." Among 
 "selected specimens" from Miss Graham and others, 
 are the following : 
 
 Divinity. — Esau was a man who wrote fables and 
 who sold the copyright to a publisher for a bottle of 
 potash. 
 
 English History. — Oliver Cromwell was a mai^ who 
 was put into prison for his interference in Ireland. 
 When he was in he wrote "The Pilgrim's Progress" 
 
252 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 and married a lady called Mrs. O'Shea. Wolsey was a 
 famous general who fought in Crimean War, and who, 
 after being decapitated several times, said to Cromwell, 
 *'Ah, if I had only served you as you have served me, 
 I would not have been deserted in my old age. " 
 
 Definitions. — Phoenicians, the inventors of Phoen- 
 ician blinds. Bacchanal, a native of Bechuana, in 
 South Africa. Chimsera, a thing used to take like- 
 nesses w^ith. Watershed, a place in which boats are 
 stored in winter. Gender, is the way whereby we tell 
 what sex a man is. Cynical, a cynical lump of sugar 
 is one pointed at the top. Immaculate, state of those 
 who have passed the entrance examination at London 
 University. Hydrostatics, is when a mad dog bites 
 you. It is called hydrophobia when a dog is mad and 
 hydrostatics when a man catches it. 
 
 English TjCinguage and Literature. — Keats wrote a 
 savage criticism on Endymion, which brought on con- 
 sumption. The sonnet is a thing that has in its first four 
 lines (two) meteors (quartan) and in its last six two me- 
 teors (turzette). Latin of the fourth period was intro- 
 duced into the language at the invention of Christianity, 
 597 A. D., when the nobility and gentry s^^oke latin. 
 
 3Iiscellaneous. — Briefly describe tlie heart and its 
 functions or work. The heart is a comical shaped bag. 
 The heart is divided into several parts by a fleshy peti- 
 tion. These parts are called right artillery, left artillery, 
 and so forth. The functions of the heart is between the 
 lungs. The w^ork of the heart is to repair the different 
 organs in about half a minute. What fossil remains do 
 we find of fishes? In some rocks we find the fossil foot- 
 prints of fishes. What are the metamorphic rocks? 
 Rocks that contain metaphors. What is a Republican? 
 A Republican is a siiiner mentioned in the Bible. The 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 253 
 
 two chief volcanoes in Europe? Sodom and Go mor- 
 rah. — London Globe, 
 
 A Dining Invitation — Jones received the follow- 
 ing note from a friend: *'Come and dine with me 
 to-morrow at the Gaiety, with two or three friends." 
 Jones, who is a very literal fellow, turned up at the 
 appointed hour with — three of his friends. 
 
 Heard in a Station — Hurrying woman: "What 
 time does the next train go?" 
 
 Patient official: " Ten minutes." 
 
 Hurrying woman: *' And the one before that? " 
 
 An Irish Reason — "What are you writing such a 
 big hand for, Pat? " 
 
 <• ' Why, you see that my grandmother is daf e, and I 
 am writing a loud letter to her." 
 
 To-Let — A house in a pleasant suburb containing 
 ten rooms. (Italics should follow " To-Let.") 
 
 Quaint Phraseology — A colored minister on the de- 
 parture of one of his prominent members prayed : ' ' Rough 
 shod his feet wid de preparation ob de gospel o' peace. 
 Nail his ear to de gospel pole. Gib him de eye ob de 
 eagle dat he can spy out sin afar off. Wax his hand to 
 de gospel plow. Tie his tongue to de line of truf. 
 Keep his feet in de narrer way an' his soul in de channel 
 ob faith. Bow his head low beneaf his knees, an' his 
 knees way down in some lonesome valley where prayer 
 an' supplication is much wanted to be made. Hedge an' 
 ditch 'bout him, good Lord, an' keep him in de straight 
 an' narrer way dat leads on to heaven." 
 
254 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Prescription — Doctor: <<What! your dyspepsia no 
 better? Did you follow my advice and drink hot water 
 one hour before breakfast? " 
 
 Patient: "I did my best, doctor, but I couldn't keep 
 it up for more than ten minutes at a stretch." 
 
 Trousers — A begging letter asking for a cast-off 
 trousers closed pathetically with these words, "So send 
 me, most honored sir, the trousers, and they will be 
 woven into the laurel crown of your good deeds." 
 
 Intemperance is the great moral evil at which it is 
 aimed, by the concession of all mankind.- (Italics should 
 follow "is"). 
 
 The Honor to be Noticed — An exquisitely po- 
 lite expression of an English Royal Society member re- 
 ferring to "the earthquake that had the honor to be 
 noticed by the Royal Society." 
 
 Foreign Criticism — Intelligent foreigner, on the 
 absurdities of the English language : "When I discov- 
 ered that if I was quick I was fast, if I stood firm I was 
 fast, if I spent too freely I was fast, and that not to eat 
 was to fast, I was discouraged ; but when I came 
 across the sentence *The first one won one one-dollar 
 prize,' I was tempted to give up English and learn some 
 other language." 
 
 Superlatively Loyal — " Harvard," wrote one youth 
 who wished to be superlatively loyal, " is the peer of all 
 American Colleges." Which means, of course, only 
 that Harvard is as good a college as any other. — Bar- 
 rett WENDELL, English Con^position, 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 256 
 
 A Successful Career — A newspaper, in noting the 
 successful career of a venerable man who has just died, 
 makes the startling statement that he ''was born with- 
 out a shilling in his pocket." 
 
 Unanimity — A member of Parliament, who claims 
 to be specially accomplished, said, in a late discussion, 
 that ''Hhe unanimity of the House icas much greater on 
 a certain question last year than this." 
 
 The engagement of Mr. Smith is announced to Miss 
 Jones. (Italics should follow "Smith.") 
 
 Embalming — Use Our Own Embalming Fluid If 
 You Wish Pleasant Results. — Undertaker's Advertise- 
 ment. 
 
 Secret — "My dear Murphy," said an Irishman to 
 his friend, "Why did you betray the secret I told 
 you?" 
 
 "Is it betraying you call it? Sure, when I found I 
 wasn't able to keep it, didn't I do well to tell it to some 
 one who could." 
 
 The train ran into a wagon loaded with an iron tank 
 and broke it. — JVeios Item. (What was broken — the 
 tank or the wagon? ) 
 
 Wanted — A man and his wife as caretakers for a 
 gentleman's country house. One must be sober. — 
 Derry (Ireland) Signal. 
 
 Quadrennial — Mr. and Mrs. Blossom, of St. Louis, 
 were discussing the woman question now agitating the 
 
256 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Methodist Episcopal Church. "The General Confer- 
 ence, in which it is proposed that women shall sit as 
 delegates, is a quadrennial body," remarked Blossom. 
 *' Yes," replied Mrs. Blossom, "I know that; but how 
 often does it meet? " — Chicago Inter- Ocean. 
 
 Clerical Slips — A gentleman said to a minister, 
 *<When do you expect to see Deacon S. again?" 
 <*Never," was the solemn reply, "the deacon is in 
 heaven." Another minister, discoursing uj3on Bunyan 
 and his works, cj^ised a titter among his hearers by 
 exclaiming, "In thj^se days, my brethren, we want more 
 Bunyans." And still another minister pleading earnestly 
 with his parishioners for the construction of a cemetery 
 for their parish, asked them to consider the "deplorable 
 condition of thirty thousand Christian Englishmen liv- 
 ing without Christian burial." 
 
 An Irish Wake — "What are you doing, Pat- 
 rick? " 
 
 " Wakin' up your husband, ma'am." 
 
 "But why?" 
 
 "Because it's ten o'clock, ma'am, whin I was to 
 give him the dhrops to make him shlape." 
 
 She said that if she hadn't her little child to keep 
 her company that she would go crazy. (Who would go 
 crazy? ) 
 
 Very Precise — It is almost impossible to tell a 
 funny story to the listener who insists upon precise 
 statements and the proper use of words. "I want to tell 
 you something funny that happened to me this morn- 
 ing," said Spatts, cheerfully. "I started down street 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 257 
 
 after my laundry, and — " ''You mean you went after 
 your washing, I suppose," Hunker interrupted. '' I im- 
 agine you don't really own a laundry." "Of course 
 that's what I mean," said Spatts, a trifle less cheerily. 
 "Well, I had gone but a little ways — " "I presume 
 you mean a little way, not a little ways," corrected 
 Hunker, "I presume so," admitted Spatts, but the 
 cheerfulness was all gone out of his manner. *' As I was 
 going to say, I had gone but a little way when it hap- 
 pened. It tickled me so I thought' I'd just have to lay 
 down and die." " Lie down and di j, not lay down, is 
 the correct form of the verb." " On, yes, I know; but 
 those kind of errors seem to come natural — " "Not 
 those kind of errors, my dear boy. Say that kind of er- 
 rors. But go on with your funny story. I'm getting 
 interested." "Are you? Well, I've lost my interest 
 in it. I don't believe there was anything funny in it, 
 after all. Good-day." Flushed and visibly annoyed, 
 Spatts strode away. "Now, I wonder if I've offended 
 him ! " thought Hunker. 
 
 A sentence should contain every word wj^ich is neces- 
 sary to the efficient communication of thought or feeling. 
 (Omit italics.) 
 
 Anti-Suicide Bill — What could be better as a bull- 
 ish example tlian the speech of the country member at 
 Albany — an Irishman, too — when the anti-suicide bill 
 was being discussed, and heavy penalties were being 
 considered in order to deter persons from taking their 
 own lives. "I move that it be made a capital of- 
 fence," exclaimed the member quite seriously. "No 
 man or woman would ever attempt suicide a second time 
 if punished that way." 
 
258 BULLS AND blundp:rs. 
 
 Positively No Trust — We do not believe that any 
 mere unaided wit could have produced so startling a 
 sign as this in a German lager-beer saloon : 
 Bosidevele 
 
 No 
 Droschdt. 
 
 Absent-Minded — Maid servant: ''Professor, oh, 
 professor ! just think, I have swallowed a pin ! " 
 
 Absent-minded professor: "Never mind; here is 
 another one." — Fliegende Ulcetter. 
 
 An Ambiguotts Compliment — She : "How was your 
 speech at the club-house received the other night ? " 
 
 He: "When I salt down they sai4 it was the best 
 thing I ever did." — Life. 
 
 Several property owners have filed a remonstrance to 
 the proposed widening of Chestnut Hill Avenue with the 
 Broohlme select men. — Boston Paper. (Italics should 
 follow "filed.") 
 
 A Matter op Education — Bailie Sawnum: "Of 
 course I want Wullie to hae a guid eddycation ; in fac, 
 I'm thinkin' o' sendin' him to the ceemetery at Roth- 
 say." 
 
 Councillor Troot : "The ceemetery? Ah, ye'll be 
 wantin' him to learn the dead languages, eh? " 
 
 B. S., who does not see it : "Of coorse ; deed and 
 
 A deer was shot by Professor Jones weighing nine 
 hundred pounds. — Adirondack News. (Italics should 
 follow "deer.") 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 259 
 
 Canning — A Western newspaper closes an article 
 about the canning enterprises of Yuba City by saying, 
 <*No Chinese are employed, and fourteen thousand are 
 put up daily." 
 
 Obeying Instructions — Mistress : '' You must tell 
 them a white lie, Bridget, and say I have gone out of 
 town." 
 
 Bridget, to visitors : *' The mistress says I must tell 
 yez a white lie, and that she's gone out of town." 
 
 Ice-Cream — *<Miss Snowball, will yoh participate 
 in some moah ice-cream? " 
 
 Miss Snowball: *'No moah, Mister Johnsing. I 
 likes ice-cream once in a while, but not as a beverage. 
 Please 'sense me." — Texas Sif tings. 
 
 An Irish Doctor — An Irish doctor advertises that 
 the deaf may hear of him at a house in Liffey Street, 
 where his blind patients may see him from 10 till 3. 
 
 Hogs — Can you tell me how long hogs should be fed ? 
 — Agricultural Paper. (The same as short ones.) 
 
 A Confusion of Ideas — An English student, when 
 asked what progress he had made in the study of medi- 
 cine, modestly replied, *'I hope I shall soon be fully 
 qualified to be a physician, for I think I am now able to 
 cure a child." 
 
 Impossible — ^Now bid me run, 
 
 And I will strive with things impossible; 
 Yea, get the better of them. — Shakespeare, 
 Julius CcBsar. 
 
260 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A man was arrested this morning for stealing a string 
 of fish very much under the influence of liquor. (Italics 
 should follow " man." ) 
 
 Irish Painting — An Irishman once ordered a painter 
 to draw his picture, and to represent him standing behind 
 a tree. 
 
 Heavy — Postmaster: "This letter is too heavy ; it 
 wants another stamp." 
 
 Mrs. Jones, slightly bewildered: "Why, that will 
 make it heavier still." 
 
 The carriage stopped at the small gate which led by 
 a short gravel walk to the house amidst the nods and 
 smiles of the whole party, — miss austen, Pride and 
 Prejudice. (Italics should stand first.) 
 
 Familiar Quotations — Two members of Congress 
 laid a wager on an abstruse point. One bet the other 
 that he could not repeat the Lord's Prayer. The chal- 
 lenged party straightway commenced: 
 "Now I lay me down to sleep, 
 I pray the Lord my soul to keep — " 
 " The money's yours," interrupted the challenger ; "but 
 I really didn't think you knew it." An equally good 
 story is told of an English M. P., a gentleman of sport- 
 ing proclivities, who knew more about race-horses than 
 about the Bible. Out of pure mischief he was asked 
 by one of his constituents if he would vote for the 
 abolition of the Decalogue. Not kngwing what that 
 was, but anxious to preserve his own consistency, he re- 
 plied, "I won't pledge myself, but I'll give it my con- 
 sideration." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 261 
 
 Birthday Regrets — Daisy, aged seven: "Mam- 
 ma, I don't like Kitty Smith, and I don't want to go 
 to her old birthday party. What shall I do? " 
 
 Mother: <' Why, send your regrets." 
 
 This is what Daisy wrote : '* My Dear Kitty — I am 
 very sorry that you are going to have a birthday party. 
 
 Daisy Jinks." 
 
 Mixed Metaphor — Oliver Wendell Holmes had a 
 good deal of fun poked at him for his mixed metaphor, 
 *< Young blood ought to be heard." 
 
 Partially, Perhaps — A preacher in one of the 
 fashionable London churches is reported to have said, 
 "St. Paul remarks, and I partially agree with him." 
 This reminds us of the judge who, in sentencing a pris- 
 oner to death, observed, "Prisoner at the bar, you will 
 soon have to appear before another and perhaps a better 
 Judge." 
 
 Bones — Grind your own bones. — Agricultural 
 Paper, 
 
 Undertaker's Advertisement — We Invite Spe- 
 cial Attention to Our New Line of Shrouds. Those in 
 Need of Them Will Please Call. 
 
 Oi>d'Notices — A gentleman near Winchester made 
 a rockery in front of his house in which he planted 
 some beautiful ferns, and having put up the following 
 notice found it more efficient and less expensive than 
 spring guns or mantraps. The fear inspiring inscription 
 was, "Beggars, beware! Scolopendrums and poly- 
 podiums are set here." 
 
262 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 The walls of a gentleman's house near Edinburgh 
 some years ago exhibited a board, on which was painted 
 a threat quite as difficult for the trespasser to under- 
 stand as the preceding : ' ' Any person entering these 
 inclosures will be shot and prosecuted." 
 
 Depravity — An old lady addressing a prayer meet- 
 ing said, with much fervor, " Ther's that blessed 
 doctrine of universal depravity. What a comfort it is 
 if we only live up to it." 
 
 Humor of the Maryborough Court — Among the 
 humors of the Court at Maryborough were the remarks 
 of jurors to whom objections had been made on the 
 part of the defence. One juryman complained that he 
 had been brought to the Court three times a year, and 
 each time made an April fool of. 
 
 A Railroad Bull — The funny announcement is 
 made in Chicago by the Atchison people that when their 
 road to St. Louis — which is thirty-four miles the longest 
 route — is open they will make as good time as the other 
 railroads <'by starting their trains an hour sooner." 
 
 This is the best railroad bull of the year New York 
 
 Herald. 
 
 He said that he would be back this morning this 
 afternoon. (Italics should follow '* said." ) 
 
 Expert Testimony — Judge, to witness : *' Who are 
 you ? " 
 
 Witness, who is a physician: *'I am an insane ex- 
 pert, your honor." 
 
 Judge, with dignity : '' Oh, you are ? Well, get out 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 263 
 
 of this. We don't want any crazy people giving testi- 
 mony in this court." — Washington Star. 
 
 Consoling Irish Doctor — " Begorra and I've 
 knocked the fever out of him. That is one good thing." 
 
 Wife of patient: *'0, doctor, do you think there is 
 any hope ? " 
 
 *' Small chance of that, marm ; but ye'll have the 
 satisfaction of knowin' that he died cured." 
 
 John promised his father that he would pay his 
 debts. (Whose debts — John's or his father's ?) 
 
 Scrubbing — Sign painter: ''Now, Missus John- 
 sing, what does you want on dis yer sign?" 
 
 Missus Johnsing, after a moment of deep thought: 
 "I guess ' Goin' out scrubbin' done in here,' will do, 
 Mr. Brown." 
 
 An Indiana Jury — An Indiana jury returned a 
 written verdict of " Blode tu peces bi the biler bustin'." 
 
 Bill of Fare — Mr. Hyde, of Hyde & Tallow, Chi- 
 cago : "Waiter, I want a dinner." 
 
 Waiter: ''Vill ze gentleman haf tahle-cT hote or a 
 la carte? " 
 
 Mr. Hyde : ''Bring me a little of both, and have 
 'em put lots of gravy on it." 
 
 We thank you for the sweet singing canary sent us a 
 thousand times. (Italics should follow" thank you.") 
 
 Peace in War — A member of the Irish House of 
 Commons once remarked in that place, that " Sure the 
 
^64: BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 French were the most restless nation in the world ; 
 they will never be at peace till they are engaged in 
 another war." 
 
 A Loose Sta.tement — A paper, giving an account 
 of Toulouse, in France, says, "It is a large town, 
 containing 60,000 inhabitants built entirely of brick." 
 
 Erratum — The words printed "pigs " and "cows" 
 in Mr. Parker's letter on the land question, which ap- 
 peared in yesterday's issue, should have been "pro's" 
 and ' ' con's. " — Cork Paper. 
 
 Three Democratic journals have repudiated his sug- 
 gestions without much ceremo7iy.^-N. Y. Paper. 
 (Italics should follow "have.") 
 
 To Let — This house is to be let forever, or longer 
 if required. 
 
 A Green. Policeman — "Do you think it will rain 
 to-night ? " asked a citizen of the policeman. 
 
 " Oi don't know, sorr; Oi've only been on the force 
 wan wake," replied the policeman. 
 
 We — A comical use of the editorial "we" is Pat- 
 rick Ford's statement in the Irish Worlds " We came to 
 this country when a child of eight years." 
 
 Amputation — Reassuring Irish surgeon, to patient 
 whose legs he has just amputated : " And now, my good 
 fellow, cheer up. Keep a stiff upper lip and remain 
 calm, and in six weeks, I pledge you my word, I'll have 
 you on your feet again." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 265 
 
 Bric-a-Brac — A reporter describing a collection of 
 bric-a-brac says, " The visitor's eye will be struck on 
 entering the room with a porcelain umbrella." 
 
 The company is authorized to manufacture steel rails 
 by statute. ( Italics should follow "authorized." ) 
 
 An Irish Hearing — Two Irish servants were quar- 
 reling. " Shure," said the one, ''an' didn't Oi hear' 
 yer masther comin' in after half pasht four av the 
 noight." "An' shure," retorted the other, " an didn't 
 Oi hear yer masther not comin' home at all lasht 
 noight. " 
 
 Ambiguous Warranty — "That bicycle I bought 
 for my little boy only three weeks ago has gone all to 
 pieces," said the fair customer. " Yes'm. You re- 
 member I warranted it to go fast," replied the dealer. 
 
 All Right — "O, Mrs. Snappy ! I saw your husband 
 in the park with three or four ladies around him." 
 
 "That's all right; but let me catch him with one 
 lady around him." 
 
 A Bad Spell — "Father, how do you spell philos- 
 opher?" " Wid a large F, of course — how else? I 
 wish yez wouldn't be botherin' me wid things yez ought 
 to know yerself." 
 
 Following Directions — Mrs. Finnigan: "He's 
 no better, doctor. You towld me to give him as much 
 of the powder as would lay on a sixpence. I hadn't a 
 sixpence, but I gave him as much as would go on live 
 pennies ; and its done him no good at all, at all." 
 
266 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Prohibitory Law — In the year 1463 Parliament 
 passed a law which prohibited anyone from wearing 
 shoes '* with toes more than two inches longer than the 
 foot." 
 
 She is corroborated by her daughter to some extent " 
 Charge of Court. (Italics should follow *'is," or 
 begin the sentence. ) 
 
 Simply Perfection — Shoe dealer, for the sake of 
 adding the strength of another favorable opinion : "Ah, 
 madam, but that shoe is simply perfection upon your 
 foot. James, how do you think Mrs. DeHoof's foot 
 looks in this shoe? " 
 
 New clerk, anxious not to fall short in his enthusi- 
 asm : ' ' Immense. " — Harper'' s Bazar. 
 
 Mrs. Noorich Goes into Art — "Is this Mr. 
 Mize?" "Yes", madam." "The painter of minia- 
 tures?" "Yes, madam." " What'U you charge to 
 paint a life-size miniature of my daughter? " — New York 
 Sun. 
 
 Sea-shore — " Bedad," says Mr. O'Hooligan, " give 
 us a few more storrums an' we'll foind the say-shore in 
 th' middle o' the oshun." 
 
 The farmer told his neighbor that his hogs were in 
 his garden. (It is impossible to tell the meaning of the 
 sentence. ) 
 
 Origin of Bulls — No exhaustive analysis has ever 
 been given of the origin and genesis of "bulls," but we 
 believe they very often come from extreme quickness of 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 267 
 
 apprehension, the mind leaping to its conclusion without 
 passing through the intermediate stages of the process, 
 like the judge, who, in passing sentence on a burglar, 
 said, " You ought to be ashamed of yourself, sir ; you, 
 a strong sturdy fellow, instead of which you go and 
 break into people's houses." ^ 
 
 ** I accomplished my business and returned the day 
 after." It may be that the business was accomjilished on 
 the day after as well as on the return ; but it may 
 equally have been finished on the previous day. — jevons, 
 Logic. 
 
 A Bald Statement — Miss Wiseman; << Isn't your 
 husband a little bald ? " 
 
 Mrs. Hendricks, indignantly: "There isn't a bald 
 hair in his head." — Chatter. 
 
 Filial Affection — An Irishman swearing the peace 
 against his three sons thus concluded his affidavit : 
 "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of 
 his children who showed him any real filial affection was 
 his youngest son, Larry, for he never struck him when 
 he was down. " — heard, Oddities of the Law. 
 
 A refrigerator car is running on the New Jersey rail- 
 road /or bringing fresh meat from Chicago. — ( Italics 
 should follow " car.") 
 
 Sun and Moon — "The sun is all very well," said an 
 Irishman, " but the moon is worth two of it ; for the 
 moon affords us light in the night-time, when we want it, 
 whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we 
 have no occasion for it." 
 
268 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Startling Statement — A Sunday-school superin- 
 tendent startled his school by remarking, ^<Yes, chil- 
 dren ; and nearly all the king's army, when they woke in 
 the morning, found they were dead." 
 
 Tombstone Inscription — She lived a life of virtue, 
 and died of the cholera morbus, caused by eating green 
 fruit, in the hope of a blessed immortality, at the early 
 age of 21 years, 7 months and 16 days. Reader, ' Go 
 thou and do likewise.' 
 
 The day has come to gladden many hearts which we 
 have looked for so long. (Italics should follow *' day." ) 
 
 Irish Definition of a Sinecure — A place where 
 there's nothing to do, and they pay you by the piece. 
 
 Bill of Lading — A bill of lading issued by the 
 Wells Fargo Express Company contained the following 
 exemption from liability; '*This company shall not 
 be liable for any loss or damage by fire, the acts of God, 
 or of Indians, or any other public enemies of the Gov- 
 ernmenU'*'* 
 
 An Irish Sentinel — <<The password is *Saxe;' 
 now don't forget it, Pat," said the colonel, just .after 
 the battle of Fontenoy, at which Saxe was marshal. 
 
 ** Sacks? Faith, and I will not. Wasn't my father 
 a miller? " 
 
 <'Who goes there?" cried the sentinel, after the 
 Irishman had arrived at his post. 
 
 Pat was as wise as an owl, and, in a sort of a whis- 
 pered yell, replied : 
 
 ''Bags, yer honor ! " 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 He Stood Corrected — The New Yorker : ' * My 
 rooms are on the fourth floor, so when you come to see 
 me you must take the elevator up." 
 
 '* His Boston cousin: <<That we could hardly do. 
 We will, however, ascend in the car." — Truth. 
 
 He received my free remarks on the terrors which 
 he seeks to inspire loitli great good nature, — ii. crabb 
 ROBINSON, Diary. (Italics should follow " received.") 
 
 Donkeys — Said the lecturer, < ' The roads up 'these 
 mountains are too steep and rocky for even a donkey to 
 climb ; therefore I did not attempt the ascent." 
 
 Silence — Said an Irish justice to an obstreperous 
 prisoner on trial, "We want nothing but silence, and 
 but little of that." 
 
 A Grammatical Error — Lady of the house : ' ' Can 
 you saw wood ?" Tramp : "No ma'am ; but I can see 
 it." Exit tramp. — Time. 
 
 Some New Anatomical Points — He was shot in the 
 suburbs. — Chicago News. 
 
 She whipped him upon his return. — Hawkey e. 
 
 He kissed her passionately upon her reappearance. — 
 Jefferson Souvenir. 
 
 He kissed her back. — Constitution. 
 
 Mr. Jones walked in upon her invitation. — Electric 
 Light. 
 
 She seated herself upon his entering. — Alhia Demo- 
 crat. 
 
 We thought she sat down upon her being asked.— 
 Saturday Gossip. 
 
270 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 She fainted upon liis departure. — Lynn Union. 
 
 He embraced her upon her restoration and no longer 
 wept over her absence. 
 
 He was injured in the fracas. — Philadelphia Ledger, 
 
 He clung to her weejjing. 
 
 They gossiped upon his downfall Lawrence Amer- 
 ican. 
 
 Difference in Air — Doctor: <'What do I see, 
 Herr Krause, you sitting here in the damp wine cellar!" 
 
 Patient : '* You ordered me change of air, and you 
 will readily admit that the air is very different from that 
 in the room above." — Iliimoristiche Blaetter. 
 
 Dress-Reform — Mrs. O'MuUigan : ^'Phwatdo yez 
 think av dhress-refarm ? " 
 
 Mrs. Whalen : "Dhress-refarm, is it? Shure it's a 
 a great savin'. It's only yesterday I refarmed th' ould 
 man's pants to fit Denny, an' it's no small job, nathur." 
 
 A Matter of Time — *< Baptiste !" 
 "Monsieur!" 
 " What's the time ? " 
 "Half-past 2." 
 
 "Saperlote! Go quick and fetch a cab. Train 
 starts at 2:35." 
 
 "A cab ? But there won't be time ! " 
 " Two cabs, then." 
 
 Very Funny — "Yes, sir," said Mr. Gallagher ; "it 
 was funny enough to make a donkey laugh. I laughed 
 till I cried." And then, as he saw a smile go round the 
 room, he grew red in the face and went away mad. — 
 Boston Post. 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 271 
 
 Heard at a Funeral — A New England lady records 
 these words of a preacher at a funeral, "Often, breth- 
 ren, have I dandled the corpse upon my knee." 
 
 The Political Situation — An Irishman was lately- 
 heard to say that the present state of political affairs 
 was "enough to make a man commit suicide or per- 
 ish in the attempt." 
 
 Mixed Metaphor — Carlo received severe injuries at 
 the hands of a bull-dog. 
 
 Re- Arranged — "Here, said the proof-reader, "this 
 doesn't read right. You say the man was ' looking dis- 
 consolately at the last dollar in his pocket.' He couldn't 
 be looking at it if it was in his pocket." 
 
 "That's so," replied the disaster editor. " Make it 
 read this way, ' was looking disconsolately through the 
 hole in his pocket at the last dollar therein. ' " — Buffalo 
 Express, 
 
 Ocular Proof — A Liverpool committee-man pro- 
 posed that a certain teaclier should read aloud before 
 the committee, that it might have "hocular proof of his 
 harticulation. " 
 
 Mr. Adams was escorted to the chair amid storms 
 of ajyplause by Rhett and Williams, both Southerners. 
 (Italics should begin the sentence.) 
 
 Force of Habit — An Irish judge had a habit of 
 begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the 
 assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of 
 the court reminded him that he had not passed sentence 
 
272 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 of death on one of the criminals, as he had intended. 
 ** Dear me," said his lordshij^, '< I really beg his par- 
 don — bring him in." 
 
 Art Announcement — An Irish artist advertises 
 that among other portraits he has a representation of 
 ''death as large as life." 
 
 Typographical — A female compatriot of the irre- 
 pressible George Francis Train addressed this remon- 
 strance to a Buffalo paper : " By some fantastic trick of 
 your type-setter my speech in St. James' Hall on Saturday 
 evening is suddenly terminated, and so linked to that of 
 Mr. Train that I am made to run off into an entirely 
 new vein of eloquence. Among many other exploits, I 
 am made to boast that I neither smoke, nor chew, nor 
 drink, nor lie, nor steal, nor swear, as if such accomp- 
 lishments were usual among American women ; and 
 wherever I refer to my honored countryman as ' white 
 males,' I am reported as having addressed them as 
 ' white mules.' All these are very good jokes, if credited 
 to the printer's devil, but not to those who represent an 
 unpopular idea and carefully Aveigh their words." 
 
 Patrick O'Connor — An Irish provincial paper in- 
 serted the following notice : "Whereas, Patrick O'Con- 
 nor lately left his lodgings, this is to give notice that if 
 he does not return immediately and pay for the same, he 
 will be advertised." 
 
 Criticising THE Parson — A minister of the gospel 
 must be j^repared to submit to all kinds of criticisms. 
 Committees may at any time appear to consider his case. 
 One criticised the minister for saying, "When Adam 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 273 
 
 was born," and remarked to a friend, <'Any man who 
 will say, 'When Adam was born,' instead of 'When 
 Adam was created,' is unfit for his position. I call such 
 a remark an egreg-rious blunder." 
 
 A committee went to a distant city to hear a minister, 
 and when they returned, in conversing with the person 
 who had recommended the minister to their notice, one 
 of them said, "He preached a splendid sermon, and we 
 were very much pleased with him. If he only had your 
 physic we should certainly give him a call." — New 
 York Christian Advocate. 
 
 Survive — Mrs. Callahan is so much prostrated by the 
 death of her husband that it is doubtful whether she will 
 survive him. — Western Pajyer. 
 
 Net — An Irishman defined a net as " holes tied to- 
 gether by strings." 
 
 Absentees — Schoolmaster at Ballyhooly, after call- 
 ing the roll : " Are there any absentees present? " 
 
 Not Bigoted — " Phat is this I see, Moike? " asked 
 Mr. O'Kelly. "And is it dhrinkin' whiskey yez are? 
 Sure it only was yestherday ye tould me ye was a tay- 
 totler." 
 
 "Well, you're right, Mister O'Kelly," said Mike, 
 "it's quite right ye are — I am a taytotler, it's thrue, 
 but begorry, I'd have ye understhand I — I — I'm not a 
 bigoted taytotler." 
 
 The house affirmed the proposal to abolish University 
 tests loith enthusiasm. — Spectator. (Italics should fol- 
 low "affirmed.") 
 
 18 
 
274 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Ferretty's Sign — Reuben Ferretty, who died many- 
 years ago, was an eccentric but useful member of soci- 
 ety. His business sign read : 
 
 "Reuben Ferretty, by God's grace and 
 mercy, kills rats, moles, and all 
 sorts of vermin and venomous 
 creatures." 
 
 Abrupt Transitions — A president of a court-mar- 
 tial, in passing sentence, said, " Prisoner, not only have 
 you committed murder, but you have run a bayonet 
 through the breeches of one of Her Majesty's uni- 
 forms." Perhaps the best of such judicial utterances 
 is that ascribed to a rural justice of the peace : *' Pris- 
 oner, a bountiful Providence has endowed you with 
 health and strength, instead of which you go round the 
 country stealing hens." 
 
 A Furrier's Card — A furrier, having facilities for 
 renovating old furs, advertised "capes, victorines, etc., 
 made up for ladies out of their own skins." 
 
 He determined to force his son to the marriage, and 
 afterwards to obtain the king's consent, whether he 
 would or not. (Italics should follow "son.") 
 
 Neglecting the Antecedent — Instances of neg- 
 lecting the antecedent are amusing. In an old geog- 
 raphy we are told that Albany is a "town with three 
 hundred houses and twelve hundred inhabitants with 
 their gable ends toward the street." 
 
 A match vender of London used the following street 
 cry: "Buy a pennyworth of matches from a poor old 
 man made of foreign wood." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 276 
 
 Tombstone Literature — Here lyes the Bodeys of 
 George Young and Isabel Guthrie, and all their Poster- 
 ity for more than fifty years backwards. — At Montrose, 
 Ireland. 
 
 Distinction without a Difference — An instance 
 of the distinction without a difference was offered by the 
 Irishman who, having legs of different sizes, ordered his 
 boots to be made accordingly. His directions were 
 obeyed ; but, as he tried the smallest boot on his largest 
 leg, he exclaimed petulantly, '' Confound the fellow! I 
 ordered him to make one larger than the other, and, 
 instead of that, he has made one smaller than the 
 other. " — Tin Trumpet. 
 
 Funeral Note — The procession at Judge Orton's 
 funeral was very fine and nearly two miles in length, as 
 was also the beautiful prayer of the Rev. Dr. Swing 
 from Chicago. 
 
 No Smoking — *<If yer goin' to smoke on this car, 
 yer'U have to get off to do it," remarked a zealous con- 
 ductor. 
 
 ^' Let's see yer put me off," was the ready reply, as 
 the smoker jumped from the car and assumed a belliger- 
 ent attitude. 
 
 Have you returned the hook to the desk which I 
 loaned you? (Italics should follow "desk.") 
 
 Except — "Good mornin', Mrs. Ryan. An' how is 
 your brother-in-law, Mr. McCafferty, to-day?" 
 
 " Very bad, indade. Miss Corcoran, very bad, indade. 
 Sorra a bite does he ate except what he drinks." 
 
276 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 No soldier would have dared to say that he was glad 
 that President Lincoln was shot in our regiment. (Ital- 
 ics should follow *< soldier.") 
 
 Wet and Dry — An Irish post-boy, having driven a 
 gentleman a long stage during torrents of rain, was 
 asked if he was not very wet. 
 
 ** Arrah ! I wouldn't care about being so very wet, if 
 I wasn't so very dry, your Honor." 
 
 Fervid but Ambiguous — He: <'My dear friend, 
 have you read my last novel?" She: "Yes." He: 
 " How did you like it ? " She : "I laid it down with 
 intense pleasure." — Neio York Truth. 
 
 A Parliamentary Measure — A member of the 
 Irish Parliament requested the passage of a bill enact- 
 ing '* that every quart bottle shall hold a quart." 
 
 It points out the line of battle upon which the Re- 
 publican party can surely win vnth all of Mr. Blaine^ s 
 old time political sagacity. — Pittsburgh Paper. (Italics 
 should follow " points out.") 
 
 A Cannibal Dog — For sale, a bull terrier dog, two 
 years old. Will eat anything. Very fond of children. 
 Apply at this office. — English Paper. 
 
 Mixed Metaphors — Most of us probably have been 
 guilty, at one time or another, of some mixed metaphor. 
 Though Irishmen may claim the j)alm for precedence in 
 this matter, yet it was a negro preacher who remarked, 
 "Brethren, the muddy pool of politics was the rock on 
 which I split ;" and Mr. W. S. Walsh, in his "Literary 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 277 
 
 Curiosities," gives some remarkable instances of mixed 
 metaphors by men of education. For instance, Mr. 
 O'Connor, in accusing Lord Northcote of disclosing too 
 plainly the fact that he had introduced certain resolutions 
 for the purposes of obstruction, said, '*Mr. Speaker, 
 Sir, since the government has let the cat out of the bag, 
 there is nothing to be done but to take the bull by the 
 horns. " 
 
 When the delegates of the Paris workmen returned 
 from the Philadelphia Exposition in 1876, Mr. Walsh 
 says that they sent Victor Hugo an invitation, to which 
 he replied by telegram, saying that he sent them ''a 
 grasp of the hand from the bottom of his heart." 
 
 The Irishman who said, *'We will burn all our 
 ships, and with every sail unfurled steer boldly out into 
 the ocean of freedom," was more than matched by Jus- 
 tice Minister Hye, who, addressing the Vienna students 
 in the troublous time of 1848, declared that "the chariot 
 of the revolution is still rolling along, and gnashing its 
 teeth as it rolls." 
 
 A much traveled bag or trunk comes back from an 
 extended journey with its owner covered with posters of 
 express companies. — Yale Law Journal. 
 
 May or Can. — Can is often used in place of may, 
 and may sometimes in place of can. The distinction is 
 well brought out in the following quotation: 
 
 Little Tommy : " Can I eat another piece of pie ? " 
 
 Mamma, who is something of a purist : *< I suppose 
 you can." 
 
 Tommy: "Well, may I ?" 
 
 Mamma: "No, dear, you may not." — a. s. hill, 
 The Foundations of Rhetoric. 
 
278 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 A Mixed Dose — Druggist's bell rings violently at 
 two A. M. Druggist: ''Well?" Angry voice yells 
 back : ''No, you idiot — ill ! " 
 
 A Blundering Version — An unmistakable bull 
 (whose glory, however, belongs to the translation and 
 not to the original) occurs in Isaiah xxxvii, 36: "Then 
 the angel of the Lord went forth, and smote in the camp 
 of the Assyrians a hundred and fourscore and five thous- 
 and. And when they arose early in the morning, behold, 
 they were all dead corpses." 
 
 It almost completes my broken heart to see you con- 
 tinue the same course. — Edinburgh Review. (Read, 
 completes the breaking of my heart.) 
 
 The Irish Rebellion — When writing home to a 
 friend during the Irish rebellion of 1798, Sir Boyle 
 Roche said, "To give you some idea of the danger we 
 are in, I will only say that while I am writing this let- 
 ter I have a sword in one hand and a pistol in the 
 other." 
 
 Simplicity of Style — Be simple, be unaffected, be 
 honest in your speaking and writing. Never use a long 
 word where a short one will do. Call a spade a spade, 
 not a well-known oblong instrument of manual* hus- 
 bandry ; let home be home, not a residence ; a place a 
 place, not a locality ; and so of the rest. Where a 
 short word will do, you always lose by using a long one. 
 You lose in clearness ; you lose in honest expression of 
 your meaning ; and, in the estimation of all men who 
 are qualified to judge, you lose in reputation for ability. 
 The only true way to shine, even in this false world, 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 279 
 
 is to be modest and unassuming. Falsehood may be a 
 very thick crust, but, in the course of time, truth will 
 find a place to break through. Elegance of language 
 may not be in the power of all of us ; but simplicity 
 and straightforwardness are. Write much as you would 
 speak ; speak as you think. If with your inferiors, speak 
 no coarser than usual; if with your superiors, no finer. 
 Be what you say ; and, within the rules of prudence, say 
 what you are dean alford. 
 
 The Frontier Question — A member of the Cape 
 Legislature, addressing the House upon the Frontier 
 Question, said, "Such, Mr. Speaker, was the state of 
 insecurity upon the Eastern Frontier that I and other 
 settlers have often gone to our daily vocations leaving 
 our peaceful homesteads, our happy wives, our smiling 
 children, to return in the evening to find our houses 
 burnt over our heads, our wives widows, and our chil- 
 dren fatherless." 
 
 I told him to go slowly, but he left the room quickly^ 
 dropping the purse on the floor. (Italics should follow 
 "he.") 
 
 An Irish Trunk — "Buy a trunk, Pat," said the 
 dealer. 
 
 "And what for should I buy a trunk? " rejoined Pat. 
 
 "To put your clothes in," was the reply. 
 
 "And go naked," exclaimed Pat ; " not a bit iv it !" 
 
 French Interference — During one of his speeches 
 in Parliament, Sir Boyle Roche said, "Mr. Speaker, if 
 we once permitted the villainous French masons to 
 meddle with the buttresses and walls of our ancient con- 
 
280 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 stitution, they would never stop nor stay, sir, till they 
 brought the foundation stones tumbling about the ears 
 of the nation." 
 
 An Intemperate Bull — "You can have no more 
 here. You've taken too much already." 
 
 " 'Xcuse me. I may've 'ad too much (hie), but I 
 'avn't 'ad enuf." 
 
 Not Tactful — 
 
 "Who is the belle to-night? " asked she, 
 As they stood on the ballroom floor ; 
 He looked around the room to see. 
 And she speaks to him no more. 
 
 — Cape Cod Item. 
 
 I see that tlie monument will soon be completed hy 
 the evening paper. (Italics should follow "see.") 
 
 Empty-Minded — "My Lord, I assure you there is no 
 understanding between us," exclaimed an eminent Eng- 
 lish lawyer who had been suspected of collusion with the 
 counsel who represented the other side. Lord Eldon 
 thereupon observed, "I once heard a squire in the 
 House of Commons say of himself and another squire, 
 * We never through life had one idea between us ; but I 
 tremble for the suitors when I am told that two distin- 
 guished practitioners have no understanding between 
 them.' " 
 
 An Irate Passenger — "Why didn't you put my 
 luggage in as I told you?" asked an irate passenger as 
 the train was moving off. "Eh, mon ; yer luggage is 
 no sic a fule as yersel'. Ye're in the wrong train." 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 281 
 
 Hay Fever — Hoolihan ; *'Phwat's the matter wid 
 
 yez, Curran? " 
 
 CuRRAN : '' It's th' hay faver Oi hov." 
 Hoolihan : " An' how did yez get it ? " 
 Curran : "From shlapin' on a shtraw bed, av coorse. 
 
 Any ould fool 'd know thot." 
 
 Grocer's Sign — An Atchison, Kan., grocer has a 
 sign posted in his window, " Peck baskets of all sizes." 
 
 Epitaph Literature — 
 
 She's gone and cannot come to we. 
 But we shall shortly go to she. 
 
 Unintentionally Correct — "If I were you, 
 Jones, I wouldn't be a fool," said Robinson, during an 
 argument. 
 
 "You are right; if you were I you wouldn't be a 
 fool," replied the latter. — Life. 
 
 Antecedents. — In answer to a letter from the com- 
 missary of police, asking for information respecting the 
 antecedents of one of his clerks, a village mayor wrote, 
 " As to his antecedents, they are all dead, without a stain 
 on their moral character." 
 
 Irish and French. — When Garrick condoled with an 
 Irish gentleman upon the recent death of his father, "It 
 is what we must all come to if we only live long enough," 
 said the Irishman. But the idea is no more Irish than 
 French, for when a Frenchman had built his chateau and 
 completed the chapel to it, he called together his child- 
 ren and said, " I hope we shall all be buried there, if 
 God grants us life," 
 
282 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 Mixed Shooting — "Owing to tlie distress of the 
 times Lord Camden will not shoot himself or any of his 
 tenants before the 4th of October." Read : In conse- 
 quence of the distress of the times, neither Lord Cam- 
 den himself nor any of his tenants will shoot before 
 the 4th of October. — adam sherman hill, The Foun- 
 dations of Rhetoric. 
 
 Churchyard Literature — The following mark of 
 esteem is as terse as it is ambiguous. It is found in a 
 churchyard in Grafton, Vermont. 
 
 The meeting will now adjourn by singing the long- 
 metre doxology till nine o^clock to-7norrow 7norning. 
 (Italics should follow "adjourn.") 
 
 Railway Signs — The division of the great public 
 into first, second, and third classes on all railways is one 
 of the things forcing themselves on the attention where- 
 ever one travels on this side of the Atlantic. It does 
 seem singular to see such signs at the station as "First 
 and second-class ladies' waiting room," and "Third-class 
 ladies' waiting-room." A critical observer is likely to 
 wonder why the companies do not set a grammarian to 
 keep watch on the sign-painter. Why not let "ladies" 
 stand first in these signs, or, better still, let "ladies' 
 waiting-room" precede the designation as to class? 
 Perhaps the answer would be that it has always been as 
 it is — that is, as long as railways have existed — and 
 that is a sufficient answer, so far as the people of Eng- 
 land are concerned. That it is a reflection ujjon an 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 283 
 
 estimable lot of people to call them "second-class 
 ladies" or "third-class ladies" does not seem to have 
 penetrated the mind of those responsible for this atroc- 
 ity. — London Letter^ in Boston Paper, 
 
 Quarry Work — McGuire after his first day's work 
 at the quarry: " Oi worruk no more at that place." 
 Mrs. McGuire: "For phoy, Dennis?" "Oi spint 
 hours to-day drillin' holes in the rocks phen a man 
 comes round an' puts powther in all thim holes, an' 
 blows thim to smithereens." 
 
 The hotel is to be enlarged by reducing the size of its 
 immense rooms. — Neii^ York Paper. 
 
 A Double Construction — A man had a donkey 
 for sale ; and hearing that a friend wanted to buy one, 
 wrote him: 
 
 "Dear D. — If you are looking for an A. 1. donkey, 
 don't forget me. Yours, etc., F." 
 
 An Apology — Miss N — , how could you think that 
 I ever said in company that you were stupid ? Quite 
 the contrary ; whenever your name was mentioned I was 
 always the one who didn't say so. — Henchthaler. 
 
 An Elderly Child — Wanted, an experienced nurse, 
 to take charge of a young child between 30 and 35 years 
 old, of unexceptionable character, and good reference. — 
 Dublin Paper. (Italics should follow "nurse.") 
 
 Clearness — There are two very fairly distinct ways 
 in which we constantly fail to make ourselves under- 
 stood. The first is by so expressing ourselves that what 
 
284 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 we say may mean more than one thing ; in which case 
 our style is sometimes vague, sometimes ambiguous. 
 The second is by so expressing ourselves that, at least 
 without study on the part of the reader, what we say 
 does not mean anything at all ; in which case our style 
 is obscure. — wendell, English Composition. 
 
 In THE Plural — '<Ah, Mees Hobartone, you climb 
 ze Matterhorn ? Zat vas a foot to be proud of." 
 " Pardon me, count, but you mean ' feat.' " 
 *' 0-h ! You climb it more zan vonce ? " 
 
 Mysterious Store Sign — Beef is very high, our 
 prices are the same. 
 
 Dark Regrets — A pert young Scotch advocate, 
 whose case had gone against him, had the temerity to 
 exclaim that "he was much astonished at such a deci- 
 sion," whereupon the court was about to commit him to 
 jail, when John Scott, afterward Lord Eldon, the counsel 
 on the other side, interfered in his favor. "My lords, 
 my learned friend is young ; if he had known your lord- 
 ships as long as I have, he would not have expressed as- 
 tonishment at any decision of your lordships" — an 
 apology which seemed to satisfy the court. 
 
 Incongruity — A humorous incident never seems 
 so very absurd as when it happens in connection with 
 some solemn occasion. A maid relating the details of a 
 funeral said, "I am glad to say we were very lucky 
 about it. Everything went oif beautifully. We didn't 
 have a single accident." Another afflicted one remarked, 
 gazing abstractedly around at the preparations for the 
 funeral, *'Well, my dear, after all, these things are a 
 
BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 286 
 
 great expense." A worthy man grieving the loss of his 
 wife said to a friend who had acted as pall bearer, 
 " You have been very kind. I cannot thank you enough. 
 I hoj^e to have the opportunity of doing as much for 
 you some day." Confused, but rising to the occasion, 
 the friend responded, <* Don't mention it. I was only 
 too happy to serve you in this way." 
 
 Every monumental inscription should be in Latin ; 
 for that being a dead language it will ever live. — John- 
 son, Lives of the Poets. 
 
 A Mixed Relation — " Has your sister got a son or 
 a daughter? " said an Irishman to a friend. " Upon my 
 life," he replied, "I don't know yet whether I'm an 
 uncle or an aunt." 
 
 A Colored Toast — The health once proposed by a 
 worthy colored man is a bullish gem of the first water : 
 " De Gobenor ob our State ! He come in wid much oppo- 
 sition ; he go out wid none at all." 
 
 Definitions of the Bull — Sydney Smith defines a 
 bull as "An apparent congruity and real incongruity of 
 ideas suddenly discovered." Coleridge says, "A bull 
 consists in a mental juxtaposition of incongruous ideas, 
 with a sensation, but without the sense, of connection." 
 Smith points out that a bull is the very reverse of wit ; 
 "for as wit discovers real relations that are not ap- 
 parent, bulls admit apparent relations that are not real." 
 
 On the Bench — Sir Thomas Trevor, a Baron of the 
 Exchequer, 1625-49, when presiding at the Bury Assizes, 
 
286 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 had before him a cause relating to the wintering of cat- 
 tle. Thinking the charge immoderate, he said, *-I 
 wonder thou art not ashamed, for I myself have known 
 a beast wintered one whole surmner for a noble." To 
 which the man at once, with ready wit replied, " That 
 was a hull, my lord." Whereat the company was highly 
 amused. — thoms, Anecdotes and Traditions. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 Aboard, too much, 80 
 
 Abroad, 151 
 
 Absence, 237 
 
 Absent, 53 
 
 Absentee, 1, 74, 130, 273 
 
 Absent-minded, 76, 97, 101, 105, 
 
 139, 148, 157, 170, 208, 212, 
 
 230, 231, 235, 258 
 Accent, 14, 113, 240 
 Accident, 54, 183, 201, 204, 2G3, 
 
 284 
 Accidental, 127 
 Accompanied, 130 
 Acquitted, 233 
 Act, 41, 136, 268 
 Acting, Kean's, 22 
 Acts of assembly (Legislation) 
 Address, 49, 70, 142, 215 
 Advance, 34 
 Adverb, position of, 188 
 Advertised, will be, 272 
 Advice, 161 
 
 Affection, 54, 123, 133, 267 
 Affidavit, 97 
 Affirmative, 151 
 Afraid, 122, 172 
 After, 93 
 Afternoons, 169 
 Age, 75, 176, 220 
 Agnostic, 84 
 Agreement, verbal, 218 
 Ahead, 121, 168 
 Air, 225, 270 
 A la carte, 263 
 Alford, Dean, 29, 76, 159, 279 
 Alias, 89 
 Alight, 158 
 Alive with them, 213 
 All, saving, 93 
 Allardyce, 44 
 Allegory. 64 
 Alligators, 126 
 
 Allusion, 173 
 
 Almost, 230 
 
 Alone, 168, 248 
 
 Alphabet, 155 
 
 Ambiguities, inconsistencies 
 and, 7 
 
 Amner's gem, 184 
 
 Among, 41 
 
 Amputation, 264 
 
 Amusement, 30 
 
 Analyzed, 24 
 
 Anatomical, 269 
 
 Ancestors, 175 
 
 Angling, 213 
 
 Animals, 12, 50, 235 
 
 Annually, 233 
 
 Anonymous, 66 
 
 Announcement, 3, 84. 131, 155 
 
 Another, 89, 223 
 
 Answer, 61, 185 
 
 Answering the roll call, 53 
 
 Antecedent, 26, 274, 281 
 
 Antiquity, 164, 213 
 
 Anxious to please, 227 
 
 Apology, 220 
 
 Apoplexy, 50 
 
 Appeal, 102, 164 
 
 Apples, 4, 70, 116 
 
 Apprentice, 172 
 
 Aquatics, 60 
 
 Arabin, Sergeant, 47 
 
 Archibald, 61 
 
 Argument, 182, 196, 236 
 
 Arms, without, 172 
 
 Army and na»vy, 34, 53, 60, 64, 
 78, 91, 113, 132, 133, 136, 140, 
 148, 154, 157, 170, 171, 177, 
 180, 186, 187, 228, 230, 234, 
 239, 240, 263, 268, 274, 278 
 
 Arnold, 59 
 
 Around, 265 
 
 Arrival, 119 
 
 Art, 11, 37, 167, 186, 260, 266, 
 272 
 
288 
 
 INDEX, 
 
 Ass, 110, 146, 250 
 
 Assembly, acts of (Legislation) 
 
 Assurance, 152 
 
 Atkins, Private, 60 
 
 Attempt, 271 
 
 Attention, 36 
 
 Attorney (Bench and bar) 
 
 Auction, 200 
 
 Aunt, uncle or, 285 
 
 Austen, 260 
 
 Autographs, 199 
 
 Author, 128 
 
 Average, 8 
 
 Ax 179 
 
 Ayres, 67, 189, 224 
 
 B 
 
 Bacchanal, 252 
 
 Bailey, 207 
 
 Balance, out of, 115 
 
 Bald, 267 
 
 Banker's letter, a, 73 
 
 Bank, notes, 125; savings, 194 
 
 Bankrujjtcy, 93 
 
 Bannister, 245 
 
 Baptism, 45 
 
 Bashful, 160 
 
 Baskets, peck, 281 
 
 Bathos, 161 
 
 Baudin, 186 
 
 Bayonet, 274 
 
 Bear, Russian, 101; sold here, 69 
 
 Beat, 124, 136 
 
 Beauty, 214, 238 
 
 Beaux, 123 
 
 Beef, 159, 284 
 
 Before, 93. 109, 169, 184,192 
 
 Beggars, 191, 261 
 
 Begging the question, 68 
 
 Begin, before we, 192 
 
 Behaving like gentlemen, 118 
 
 Behind, 109, 169 
 
 Behindhand, 12 
 
 Bench and bar, 3, 9, 11, 13, 14, 
 18, 23, 25, 30, 32, ^33, 37, 46, 
 47, 48, 51, 52, 71, 74, 76, 79, 
 87, 96, 97, 98, 102, 103, 110, 
 112, 114, 118, 122, 139, 140, 
 150, 163, 174, 175, 178, 182, 
 185, 193, 195, 198, 199, 200, 
 202, 203, 206, 209, 210, 212, 
 
 Bench and bar. 
 
 214, 218, 229, 231, 234, 236, 
 241, 242, 244, 247, 261, 262, 
 263, 266, 267, 269, 271, 280, 
 285 
 
 Beneficial society, 133 
 
 Bent, 137, 167, 218, 221 
 
 Beranger, 20 
 
 Best, Mr. Justice, 135 
 
 Better, 63 
 
 Between, 170, 201 
 
 Beverage, 259 
 
 Bidder, 147 
 
 Bigamy, 182 
 
 Bigoted, not, 273 
 
 Bill, anti-suicide, 257; bank, 
 235;^ board, 117; carpenters, 
 97; counterfeit, 40; of lad- 
 ing, 268 
 
 Billings, Josh, 195 
 
 Bird, like a, 87, 158 
 
 Birthday regrets, 261 
 
 Bishops, unbroken, 101 
 
 Bivalve, delicious, 71 
 
 Blackberries, 222 
 
 Blackguards, 200 
 
 Blackstone, 228 
 
 Bleating, 249 
 
 Blind, 22, 38, 190, 237 
 
 Blomfield, Bishop, 218 
 
 Blood, 228, 261 
 
 Blunderbuss, 232 
 
 Board, 120, 182 
 
 Boat, in a, 2 
 
 Boehme, the philosopher, 126 
 
 Boiled, 53, 79, 120, 181 
 
 Bones, 261 
 
 Boots, mixed, 185 
 
 Born, 211, 255 
 
 Both, 70, 79, 224 
 
 Bottle, 79, 276 
 
 Bottomless pit, 123 
 
 Bourne, to that, 36 
 
 Brains, lecture on, 152 
 
 Bread, without, 188 
 
 Breckenridge, Judge, 90 
 
 Brevity, 153 
 
 Bribery, 48 
 
 Bric-a-brac, 265 
 
 Brick, built of, 264 
 
 Bridge, 185 
 
INDEX. 
 
 289 
 
 Broad and narrow, 2 
 Brother, 133, 218, 228 
 Buchmann, 166 
 Buckingham, Duke of, 131 
 Buckle, 79 
 
 Bud, nip in the, 70, 219 
 Buffalo, preferred a, 191 
 Bull by the horns, 277 
 Bulletins, the Pope's, 20 
 Bulls, defined 1, 285; origin of, 
 
 266 
 Bulwer, 18 
 Bunions, 82 
 Bunyans, more, 256 
 Burden, sharing the, 20 
 Burglary, 121, 171, 217, 233, 267 
 Burgomaster, 221 
 Burgoyne, 53 
 
 Burial, without Christian, 256 
 Buried, 98, 105, 170, 197, 212, 281 
 Burn our ships, 277; houses, 
 
 279 
 Burning, at the, 83; notes, 125 
 Business, 4, 36, 39, 53, 65, 67, 68, 
 69, 71, 73, 79, 87, 90, 97, 111, 
 126, 131, 136, 137, 139 140, 
 147, 179, 185, 200, 202, 207, 
 231, 2.33, 235, 248, 259, 261, 
 266, 279, 281, 282, 284 
 But, 86 
 Butcher, 193, 207 
 
 Caesar, 181 
 
 Cake and have it, eat, 231 
 
 Calamity, 219 
 
 Calm, 196 
 
 Calls, making, 62, 118, 225 
 
 Camden, Lord, 282 
 
 Camel, easier for a, 127 
 
 Can, may or, 277 
 
 Candle, lantern and, 214; light, 
 
 53 
 Cannibalism, 106, 155, 276 
 Canning, 259 
 Cant, religious, 189 
 Capitol, removing the, 30 
 Cards, visiting, 173 
 Career, a successful, 255 
 Caricature, 227 
 Carriage, 22, 126 • 
 19 
 
 Case, a parallel, 157 
 
 Castlereagh, Lord, 99 
 
 Catachresis, 99 
 
 Catamaran, a, 141 
 
 Caterer, 71 
 
 Cat out of the bag, 277 
 
 Cats, tax on, 2 
 
 Cause of blundering, 224 
 
 Celebrity, 117 
 
 Cemetery (Epitaph literature) 
 
 Censure, judicial, 174 
 
 Centurion, 117 
 
 Century, 132 
 
 Certificates, 167,108,241 
 
 Chandelier, 186 
 
 Chariot, revolution, 277 
 
 Chase, steeple, 172; exciting, 
 60 
 
 Cheese, 68, 80 
 
 Chemistry, 2, 33, 162, 207 
 
 Chickens, counting the, 91 
 
 Children,51, 141,200, 283 
 
 Chimney, 5 
 
 Chiropody, 23 
 
 Cholera, 156 
 
 Church (Minister and church) 
 
 Churchyard (Epitaph litera- 
 ture) 
 
 Citizens, fellow, 91 
 
 Classification, 114, 248 
 
 Clear the court, 200 
 
 Clearness, 3, 120, 153, 283 
 
 Clement XIV, Pope, 20 
 
 Clergyman (Minister and 
 church) 
 
 Clever, 127 
 
 Climate of India, 76 
 
 Climax, anti, 161, 189 
 
 Clock, 131, 149, 168, 169 
 
 Cloudy, 85, 230 
 
 Coach and six, 222 
 
 Cobbett, 113 
 
 Cockburn, Lord, 182 
 
 Cocked hat and sword, 75 
 
 Cock-loft, 146 
 
 Coffee-house. 179 
 
 Coffin, 39, 191,230 
 
 Collectors, tax, 129 
 
 College, 63, 146, 174, 181 
 
 Colman, Geo., 127 
 
 Coleridge, 203, 285 
 
.290 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Column, personal, 108, 117, 131, 
 
 237 
 Comma, 219,221 
 Commentator, 250 
 Commission, 113 
 Committee, 84, 236, 271, 272 
 Commons, humor of, 1, 16, 21, 
 
 34, 42, 78, 144, 157, 158, 211, 
 
 249, 263, 280 
 Comparison, 29, 129 
 Competition, 137 
 Complimentary, 6, 28, 41, 53, 60, 
 
 102, 164, 195, 204, 238, 258 
 Composition, rules of, 95 
 Compulsory, 67 
 Conclusions, 145, 250 
 Conclusive, 140 
 Condolence, 95, 281 
 Conference committee, 238 
 Confession, an open, 121 
 Confidence man, a, 13 
 Confusion, figurative, 153; of 
 
 thought, 191, 259 
 Congress, acts of (Legislation) 
 Congressional, 65, 82, 144, 171, 
 
 219, 260 
 Con, pro and, 264 
 Conscious, 83 
 
 Constitution, walls of the, 279 
 Contempt, 114, 284 
 Contemptible, 248 
 Contraction, 147 
 Contrary, proof of, 204 
 Convalescent, 46 
 Convicted, self, 90 
 Convincing, 86, 218 
 Cook, a slow, 23; Dr. 67 
 Coronation, 46 
 Coroner, 5, 50, 177, 220, 235, 
 
 245 
 Corporal in the 76th, 133 
 Corpse, 95, 203, 229, 278 
 Correct, 115. 281 
 Corrected, 269 
 Correspondence, 28 
 Corroborated, 266 
 Corruption, 145 
 Council, 18, 214 
 Count, an Irish, 115; Franken- 
 
 berg, 93 
 Counterfeit, 40 
 
 Countersign, giving the, 79, 268 
 
 Country, a great, 129 
 
 Court (Bench and bar) 
 
 Coward, 139, 229 
 
 Cows, 139, 237 
 
 Crane, 167 
 
 Cremation, 249 
 
 Cries, deaf to her, 69 
 
 Crisis, 123 
 
 Criticism, 46, 59, 84, 198, 239, 
 
 243, 254, 272, 
 Cromwell, 251 
 Crown of good deeds, 254 
 Crowned heads, 23 
 Cruel of him, 32 
 Crying water, 193 
 Cubits, 159 
 Cure, 37, 72, 263 
 Currency question, 107 
 Curriculum, 206 
 Cursing their maker, 158 
 Curtis, Geo. Wm., 103; Sir 
 
 Wm. 225 
 Cynical, 252 
 
 D 
 
 Dalhousie, 163 
 
 Damage, 205, 239 
 
 Danger, to avoid, 3; of the 
 
 Revolution, 136 
 Dare classihus austros, 38 
 Darkness, mixed, 72 
 Davis, 114, 190 
 Day, 159, 227, 267 
 Dead, 2, 27, 73, 81, 95, 122, 123, 
 
 151, 154, 171, 200, 225, 253, 
 
 268, 278 
 Deaf, 69, 141, 187, 246, 259 
 Dear me, 121 
 Death, 4, 5, 6, 94, 112, 113, 117, 
 
 135, 137, 140, 149, 170, 179, 
 
 183, 188, 194, 201, 207, 215, 
 
 221,2,33,261,272 
 Debt, liquidated, 199 
 Dec. 8, Nov. 5, 15 
 Decalogue, 260 
 Decapitated, 252 
 Deception, 50, 154 
 Decline, 104 
 
 Deed without a name, 199 
 Deeds, crown of, 254 
 
INDEX. 
 
 291 
 
 Deer, 258 
 
 Definitions, 1, 5, 31, 44, 218, 236, 
 
 252, 273, 285 
 Delivery, 223 
 DeMille, 164 
 Demise, a sudden, 94 
 Democratic report, 191 
 Denis, Madame, 204; St. 136 
 Dentistry, 105, 106, 233 
 Deposition, 247 
 Depravity, 80, 262 
 Description, a droll, 31 
 Desecrated, 132, 177 
 Destitute, very, 45 , 
 Devil, 1 
 Devotion, 102 
 Diagnosis, 124 
 Diamonds, 168 
 Diary, Moore's, 52 
 Die, 4, 5, 6, 22, 52, 98, 102, 105, 
 
 120, 135, 156, 170, 208, 211, 
 
 222 
 DiedT48, 60, 103, 130, 263 
 Difference, 28, 33, 70, 177, 275 
 Dignity, on his, 231 
 Dining invitations, 21, 24, 253 
 Directions, following, 8, 16, 59, 
 
 107, 149, 166, 171, 224, 259, 
 
 265 
 Disapprove, 166 
 Discord, apple of, 70 
 Discount, 159 
 Dispensing the gospel, 244 
 Disperse, 100 
 Disposition, 100 
 Disraeli, 61, 123, 220 
 Distinction, 33, 150, 177, 275 
 Distress, 96 
 Divided equally, 235 
 Divinity, 251 
 Divorce proceedings, 23 
 Doctor (Physician) 
 Doctrine, 262 
 Document, 230 
 Doer and knower, 114 
 Dogs, 2, 69, 91, 111, 183, 184, 
 
 195, 276 
 Dollar, 13 
 
 Donkey, 219, 222, 269, 270, 283 
 Dose, mixed, 278 
 Doubt, 175, 176 
 
 Down a peg, 132 
 
 Doxology, 282 
 
 Doyle and Yelverton, 118 
 
 Dreaming, 72 
 
 Drinking, 4, 147, 254 
 
 Driving, 26, 46, 54 
 
 Drop in, 240 
 
 Drown, 5, 105, 194, 212, 221, 246 
 
 Drug, a deadly, 49 
 
 Dry, wet and, 276 
 
 Due, 52, 199 
 
 Duel, 67, 90, 144 
 
 Dumb, 178 
 
 Dunce, 13 
 
 Dundreary, Lord, 109 
 
 Dusted, mantel, 59 
 
 Duty, discharge of, 96; on, 78 
 
 Dying, groans of the, 154 
 
 E 
 
 Eagle, American, 101 
 Ear, 11, 139, 176, 236 
 Early, 109, 244 
 Easier for a camel, 127 
 Easy, enough, 107; stages, 60 
 Echo, a fine, 55 
 Edgeworth, 152, 247 
 Edinburgh, Town Council, 18 
 Editor, 6, 10, 33, 41, 42, 50, 71, 
 84, 104, 159, 175, 184, 197, 230, 
 
 240, 255, 264, 271 
 Editorial announcement, 41, 
 
 131 
 Educational, 13, 33, 99, 100, 155, 
 160, 186, 192, 206, 221, 236, 
 
 241, 258 
 Eggs, 110, 120, 170 
 Egregious, 273 
 Elder Podson, 110 
 Eldon, Lord, 280,284 
 Electricity, 122 
 Elevated road, 39 
 Elevator, 269 
 Eloquence, 102 
 Elsewhere, 71 
 Embalming, 255 
 Embrace, 62. 155, 270 
 Emerson, Plato and, 109 
 Emperor of Austria, 250 
 Emphasis, 113, 197, 236 
 Empty-minded, 280 
 
292 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Enclosure, 90 
 
 Encouragement, 11, 125 
 
 End, 131, 229 
 
 Endlich, 228 
 
 Ends, at both, 30 
 
 Enfield, 148 
 
 Engine, Corliss, 163 
 
 England and Ireland, 233 
 
 English, language, 193; lan- 
 guage and literature, 252; 
 quite, 194 
 
 Enjoyed, 113, 208 
 
 Enlisted in the 75th, 133 
 
 Enthusiasm, 246, 266, 273 
 
 Epitaph literature, 10, 52, 56, 
 63, 85, 94, 100, 102, 124, 125, 
 152, 161, 164, 207, 212, 230, 
 268, 275, 281, 282, 285 
 
 Equally, 66 
 
 Equivocation, 189 
 
 Erected to the memory, 10 
 
 Errata, (Typographical), 121, 
 226, 264 
 
 Established church, 161 
 
 Estate, life, 98 
 
 Esthetics, 167 
 
 Eternity, sure as, 163 
 
 Even, 118 
 
 Evening, every, 210 
 
 Evolution of a law, 214 
 
 Exaggeration, intemperate, 239 
 
 Examination, a lucid, 158 
 
 Except, 275 
 
 Exception, 232 
 
 Excessively, 2a3 
 
 Exchange, in, 139 
 
 Exclamation, 149, 164 
 
 Exhausted, 19 
 
 Exfjansion 147 
 
 Expect, 173 
 
 Expenses, making, 36 
 
 Expert, insane, 262 
 
 Explosion, 187, 201, 205 
 
 Extraordinary, nothing, 180 
 
 Extravagance, 63 
 
 Exultation, 133 
 
 Eye, 93, 131, 168, 226, 238, 265 
 
 F 
 
 Fabrication, malicious, 3 
 Faces, 107, 123, 144 
 
 Fail, 204 
 
 Fallacies, logical, 14, 76, 143, 
 
 147, 149, 152, 183 
 False rumor, 213 
 Familiar quotations, 260; say- 
 ings, 117 
 Family, 79, 160, 209 
 Famine, 175 
 Famous, 145 
 Farmer's letter, a, 227 
 Fast, 254 
 Fatal, 50, 149, 200 
 Fate, fixed as, 163 
 Father, like his, 193, -less, 279 
 Fathoms, how many, 93 
 Favors, 191 
 Fears of recovery, 196 
 Feat, difficult, 33; to be proud 
 
 of, 284 
 Feeding, bottle, 79; the cows, 
 
 139 
 Feet, 83, 264 
 Felon, 233 
 Ferretty's sign, 274 
 Ferry company's notice, 141, 
 
 188 
 Fervid, 276 
 Fever, hay, 281 
 Fewer men, 12 
 Fight, not in the, 229 
 Finest, one of the, 14 
 Finger-posts (Sign lore) 
 Fire, on, 3, 32 
 First, 70, 98, 169, 184 
 Fish, 20, 25, 95, 221, 252 
 Fits, 251 
 
 Fixed, as fate, 163; on me, 106 
 Flats, mixed, 165 
 Flattering, not, 143 
 Fleas, full of, 75 
 Floating in the air, 219 
 Flock, 198 
 Flood, 219 
 
 Follow him, may, 196 
 Fond of children, 276 
 Fool, 161, 186, 248, 262, 280, 281 
 Foot, in it, 140; longer than, 
 
 193; Mr., 81 ; of the class, 2; 
 
 -prints, 171 
 Ford, dangerous, 209 
 Forecast, Irish, 105 
 
INDEX. 
 
 293 
 
 Forelock, 93 
 
 Forever, 2, 222 
 
 Forgive and forget, 107 
 
 Forgot himself, 250 
 
 Form, good, 81, 111 
 
 Forsaking the ship, 228 
 
 Fortnight, 130, 156 
 
 Fossil, 252 
 
 Found, 157, 225, 249 
 
 Foundation stones, 280 
 
 Franking, 78 
 
 Frankenberg, Count, 93 
 
 Franklin, Benjamin, 209 
 
 Freak, museum, 198 
 
 Freedom, Ireland's, 31 
 
 Frigates, 123 
 
 Frontier question, 279 
 
 Fruitful valleys, 210 
 
 Fruitless search, 217 
 
 Full of it, 22 
 
 Fund, arch, 154 
 
 Funeral, 14, 61, 69, 102, 105, 118, 
 
 131, 138, 155, 228, 271, 275, 
 
 284 
 Furrier's card, 274 
 Future, a brilliant, 41; a great, 
 
 161 • 
 
 G 
 
 Gallery, art, 186 
 
 Garret, 146 
 
 Garrison of Ostend, 230 
 
 Gas, 240 
 
 Gaskell, 56 
 
 Gaul, all, 169 
 
 Gems, 128, 285 
 
 Gender, 252 
 
 Generosity, 156 
 
 Gentlemen, 118, 122, 140, 144, 
 
 170, 203 
 Genuine " ads," 222 
 German, oratory, 184; very, 25, 
 
 41 
 Ghost, 118, 190 
 Gibbon, 113, 153, 208 
 Gibraltar, 163 
 Gifted, highly, 62 
 Gigantic servant, 160 
 Glad, 15. 29, 188 
 Gloves, 165 
 Gluttony, 212 
 
 Gnashing its teeth, 277 
 
 Go thou, 268 
 
 Golden, silence is, 15 
 
 Goldsmith's poem, 55 
 
 Gone, pretty far, 176 
 
 Good, form, 62, 81, 111; night, 
 72 
 
 Goose, 110, 130, 219 
 
 Gospel, dispensing with, 244 
 
 Got, 67 
 
 Governor, the, 285 
 
 Grace, state of, 108 
 
 Grammar of science, 37 
 
 Grammatical, accuracy, 201; 
 error, 269; refusal, 191 
 
 Graham, 251 
 
 Grand sight, a, 37 
 
 Gratitude, 146 
 
 Graves, 138, 146, 150, 225 
 
 Gravestone (Epitaph litera- 
 ture) 
 
 Grazing, 196 
 
 Greater contains the less, 142 
 
 Greenwood, 22 
 
 Grief -stricken, 118 
 
 Grippe, 97 
 
 Groans of the dying, 154 
 
 Groom, 47 
 
 Guaranteed satisfaction, 202 
 
 Guards, home, 157 
 
 Guess at it, a, 39 
 
 Guillotined, 125, 143 
 
 Guilty, not, 37, 44 
 
 Gundy, Solomon, 223 
 
 Gymnastics, 65 
 
 H 
 
 Habeas corpus, 196 
 
 Habit, force of, 105, 178, 231, 
 
 271 
 Hair, 111, 134, 199, 248, 267 
 Half, 33, 79, 80, 93, 107, 132, 154, 
 
 169, 185, 228 
 Hallam, 54 
 Hamlet, seeing, 24 
 Hand-bill, 167 
 Hand, grasp of, 277; of man, 
 
 242; to mouth, 87 
 Handwriting, 99, 250, 253 
 Hands, 137, 171, 172 
 Hanging, 6, 23, 135, 139, 243 
 
294: 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Happiness, home, peace, 151 
 
 Happy and miserable, 151 
 
 Harrison, President, 48 
 
 Hart, 26, 248 
 
 Hawkers, fish, 25 
 
 Hazlitt, 151 
 
 Head, 13, 137, 156, 213 
 
 Headache, 106 
 
 Heads, crowned, 23 
 
 Health, 80, 2a3 
 
 Hear, 1, 157, 259 
 
 Heard, at a funeral, 271; in a 
 
 station, 253 
 Hearing, an Irish, 265 
 Heart, 252 
 Heavy, 59, 260 
 Hereditary, 1 
 Herkimer, Gen., 234 
 Herself, isn't, 27 
 Higginson, 175 
 Highland waiter, 9 
 Hill, 132, 277, 282 
 Hills and valleys, 210 
 Hints, 60, 112, 115 
 History, 128, 251 
 Hod, 126 
 
 Hodgson, 77, 169, 173 
 Hoe, 87 
 Hogarth, 116 
 Hogs, 9, 59, 79, 82, 90, 122, 184, 
 
 193, 205, 227, 236, 259, 266 
 Hold on, 65 
 Holmes, 261 
 Home, and abroad, 151; and 
 
 peace, 151; at, 70; gone, 282; 
 
 guards, 157 
 Honor to be noticed, 254 
 Hope for, nothing to, 63 
 Horizontally, 159 
 Hospitality, 24, 156 
 Host, 70, 71, 250 
 Hostility, 66 
 Hostler, an Irish, 58 
 Hotel, 62, 67, 95, 117, 120, 126, 
 
 140, 179, 198, 240, 263, 283 
 Housekeeper, 137 
 House of Commons (Commons) 
 Hovel, king in a, 148 
 However, 25 
 Hugo, 277 
 Humbugs, 190 
 
 Hundred, 221 
 Hunt, Leigh, 181 
 Hurricane, 164 
 Husband (Marriage) 
 Hustings, hissed from, 9 
 Hutton, Dr., 145 
 Hypallage, 37 
 Hydrostatics, 252 
 Hypocrisy, 166 
 Hypothesis, 236 
 Hyslop, 76 
 
 Ice-cream, 196, 259 
 
 Identity, mistaken, 88 
 
 Idiot, 241 
 
 Ignorance, 143, 186 
 
 Illogical (Fallacies) 
 
 Image, 218 
 
 Imagery running riot, 171 
 
 Imlach, 148 
 
 Immaculate, 252 
 
 Immense, 148, 266 
 
 Immerse, 45 
 
 Impediment in speech, 45 
 
 Impolitic, 134 
 
 Importance, 90, 116, 193, 195 
 
 Impossible, 120, 134, 209, 259 
 
 Improbable, 209 
 
 Impromptu definitions, 236 
 
 Impunity, 96, 166 
 
 Inconsistencies and ambigui- 
 ties, 7 
 
 Indexing, 128, 135 
 
 Infallible, 20, 45, 177 
 
 Inflated expression, 20 
 
 Informer, 185 
 
 Inhabitants, 264 
 
 Injured, fatally, 50; similarly, 54 
 
 Inmates, 5 
 
 Innovation, 207 
 
 Insane, 213, 262 
 
 Inscriptions (Epitaph litera- 
 ture) 
 
 Instructions (Directions) 
 
 Inspector, 222 
 
 Insurance, life, 16 
 
 Intemperance, 4, 16, 17, 22, 50, 
 58. 80, 86, 87, 93, 134, 137, 
 214, 254, 260, 273, 280 
 
INDEX. 
 
 295 
 
 Interim, 62 
 
 Interpretation, 127, 228 
 
 Intervention, non, 218 
 
 Invasion, 157 
 
 Invisible, 2, 160 
 
 Invitations, dining, 21, 24, 253 
 
 Ireland and England, 240 
 
 Iron, 126, 231 
 
 Irony, 236 
 
 Irretrievably lost, 47 
 
 Jail, old, 246 
 
 Jevons, 69, 111, 197. 247, 267 
 
 Jewel, sv^^eet, 245 
 
 Jiffy, in a, 137 
 
 Job, finishing the, 171 
 
 Johnson, Dr., 44, 78, 146, 156, 
 
 186, 227 
 Jones, old Mrs., 119 
 Judge (Bench and bar) 3, 19, 
 
 32, 41, 47, 52, 74, 98, 103, 114, 
 
 139, 185, 202, 209, 210, 229, 
 
 244, 247, 261, 262, 267, 271, 
 
 285 
 Judicial censure, 174 
 Judgment, striking off, 52 
 Justice O'Malley, 206 
 Jury, (Bench and bar) 5, 11, 32, 
 
 44, 102, 120, 122, 166, 209, 218, 
 
 231, 245, 262, 263 
 
 K 
 
 Kean's acting, 22 
 
 Kell, Deputy, 166 
 
 Kemble, 51 
 
 Kenyon, Lord, 14 
 
 Kicking cows, 237 
 
 Killed, 51, 54, 79, 130 149, 194, 
 
 235, 246 
 Kind, three of a, 176; two of a, 
 
 37, 225 
 King, in the hovel, 148; live 
 
 forever, 2; of terrors, 178 
 Klopstock, the poet, 94 
 Knave, 129, 157 
 Knew him, thought he, 210 
 Knight, 49, 
 Knob, press the, 179 
 
 Labor omnia vincit, 246 
 
 Ladies, Protestant, 35; seats 
 for, 188 
 
 Lading, bill of, 268 
 
 Lady, 56, 108, 169, 282 
 
 Lamb, Charles, 47, 181 
 
 Lame, 33 
 
 Land and sea, 175 
 
 Landlord in the chair, 81 
 
 Landlords, absentee, 1, 74, 130 
 
 Lang, 116 
 
 Language, a weak, 193; and lit- 
 erature, 252; dead, 285; les- 
 son in, 234 
 
 Lantern and candle, 214 
 
 Lanterns, carriage, 22 
 
 Late, 109, 179, 
 
 Latest, 148 
 
 Latin maxims, 198 
 
 Laughing matter, not a, 197, 
 270 
 
 Law, evolution of a, 214; pro- 
 hibitory, 266 
 
 Lawyers, (Bench and bar) 74, 
 76, 158, 183, 241, 244, 247, 284 
 
 Lay, 149 
 
 Leads the world, 12 
 
 Learning, progeny of, 64 
 
 Lease, verbal, 210 
 
 Leather tax, 21 
 
 Lecture, 120, 152, 157, 197, 249, 
 269 
 
 Left-handed, 211 
 
 Legislation, 30, 38, 84, 90, 9.3, 
 95, 110, 129, 171, 175, 196, 219, 
 222, 235, 246, 257, 276, 279 
 
 Lempriere, 83 
 
 Lennox, 146 
 
 Less, greater contains the, 142 
 
 Lessing, 202 
 
 Letters, 73, 90, 91, 95, 123, 142, 
 147, 149, 215, 227, 232, 254,. 
 281, 283 
 
 Liberality, 108 
 
 Lie and lies, 33, 91, 149, 172, 
 183, 220, 237 
 
 Life, 22, 23, 41, 47, 96, 200, 203, 
 240, 268, 281 
 
 Light, candle, 53 
 
296 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Lighted, brilliantly, 194 
 
 Lightning, thunder and, 39 
 
 Like, 129, 158, 218 
 
 Line, 31, 101 
 
 Lion, British, 101, 177, 250 
 
 Liquid state, in a, 58 
 
 Liquidated debt, 199 
 
 Literal, 180, 228 
 
 Literary blunders, 108 
 
 Literature, language and, 252 
 
 Live, 2, 208, 222 
 
 Living after death, 14, 194 
 
 Loaded, isn't, 232 
 
 Locked out, 216 
 
 Logical fallacies (Fallacies) 
 
 Logic, mock, 189; Scotch, 154 
 
 Loins, 190 
 
 London, clock, 169; seeing, 242; 
 
 visiting, 152 
 Longevity, 75 
 Look, 4, 55 
 
 Lord, 14, 33, 99, 104,109, 182, 189 
 Lost, 41, 47, 77, 119, 142, 147, 
 
 174, 184, 225 
 Love, 32, 60, 72, 86, 121, 124, 204 
 Loyal, superlatively, 254 
 Lubbock, 34 
 Luck, bad, 68 
 Lucrative, 51 
 
 M 
 Macaulay, 8 
 Macbeth, 7, 38, 189 
 Made, wonderfully, 13, 159 
 Magnetic needles, 186 
 Mahomed II, 228 
 Malaprop, Mrs., 64, 104, 116, 
 
 187, 243 
 Malaria, 226 
 Male or female, 141 
 Malice aforethought, 247 
 Manager, 101 
 Manned, 2 
 Mantel dusted, 59 
 Mark, 90, 236 
 Marketable, not, 209 
 Marriage, 27, 34, 69, 84, 116, 149, 
 
 199, 211, 212, 217, 245. 267, 
 
 274 
 Merrion Square, 137 
 Marshal-law men, 136 
 
 Martyr, a pale, 119 
 
 Masses, addressing the, 39 
 
 Masters, old, 37 
 
 Mathematics, Irish, 115, 203 
 
 Mathews, 69, 177, 244 
 
 Matrimony (Marriage) 
 
 Maxims, 84, 198 
 
 May or can, 277 
 
 Mayor, 1, 45, 203, 234, 238, 281 
 
 McClellan, Gen., 43 
 
 McCosh, Dr., 86 
 
 McGowan, Tim., 170 
 
 Meant it, 231 
 
 Measure, Irish, 115, 208 
 
 Medicine, 3, 45, 49, 51, 57, 140, 
 190, 265 
 
 Mediocrity, 10 
 
 Meet again, never, 95 
 
 Meeting, 2, 4, 26, 121, 210, 217, 
 282 
 
 Meetwell, 157 
 
 Melancholy sight, 38 
 
 Men, fewer, 12; medical, 175 
 
 Mending, 17 
 
 Mens conscia recti, 36 
 
 Meridian line, 31 
 
 Metals, 46 
 
 Metamorphic, 252 
 
 Metaphor, 13, 93, 101, 113, 106, 
 190, 219, 249, 261, 276 
 
 Metaphysics, 5 
 
 Military (Army and navy) 
 
 Milk, pure, 243 
 
 Milliner, 39 
 
 Milton, 153 
 
 Mimicking the professor, 248 
 
 Mine, gold, 178 
 
 Miniature, 266 
 
 Minister and church, 14, 17, 18, 
 19, 24, 29, 31, 32, 35, 38, 57, 
 61, 62, 82, 86, 87, 97, 101, 108, 
 110, 111, 112, 130, 138, 142, 
 145, 148, 152, 154, 158, 160, 
 161, 163, 172, 180, 186, 189, 
 190, 192, 197, 198, 199, 206, 
 208, 210, 218, 226, 228, 229, 
 232, 238, 239, 242, 243, 244, 
 245, 246, 250, 253, 256, 260, 
 261, 268, 271, 272, 276, 278, 
 282 
 
 Minute, not a, 188 
 
INDEX. 
 
 297 
 
 Minutes, in a few, 147 
 Miraculous, 136 
 Miserable and happy, 151 
 Misery, cup of, 33 
 Misfortunes, sing^le, 130 
 Missionary, 164, 226 
 Misplaced words, 188 
 Misprints, 57 
 Missed it, 60 
 
 Misspelling, humor of, 234 
 Mistaken, 33, 88 
 Misters and voyagers, 62 
 Monday till Friday, 112 
 Money, 87, 152 
 Months, eighteen, 65 
 Monopoly, 56 
 Monument, standing, 11 
 Moon, Bun and, 267 
 Moore, Tom, 52 
 More, 86, 256 
 Morley, 15 
 Morning, 72, 174, 188 
 Mortal remains, 215 
 Moses died, 60 
 Mother, 124, 181 
 Motion, 26, 81 
 Move on, 28 
 Mum, 119, 164 
 Munchausen, 147 
 Munster man, a, 207 
 Murder, not only, 274 
 Mushrooms, 175 
 Music, 46, 176, 193 
 Musician, 107, 224, 2:57 
 Mute, standing, 1 
 
 N 
 Naked, 279 
 Name, 181, 210, 242 
 Nap, taking a, 192 
 Napoleon, 20 
 •Nation, ears of, 280 
 Navy (Army and navy) 
 Needles, magnetic, 186 
 Negligence, 178 
 Neither, 88, 129, 197, 237 
 Net, 273; work, 44 
 Newgate prison, 246 
 Newspaper bulls. 196 
 Niece, a pretty, 164 
 Night, 72, 140, 174, 267 
 
 Nile, banks of, 64 
 Nip in the bud, 70, 219 
 No, 151 
 
 Noise, 18, 90 
 
 Noiseless, 174 
 
 Nom de plume, 187 
 
 North, Lord, 104 
 
 Notes, bank, 125 
 
 Nothing, half, 25; in it, 213; to 
 
 hope for, 63 
 Notices (Sign lore), 4, 8, 20, 35, 
 
 50, 60, 65, 73, 113, 139, ] 41, 
 
 179, 187, 194, 197, 208, 210, 
 
 231, 235, 244 261 
 Notwithstanding, 57 
 Novel, 62, 88, 138, 276 
 Now bid me run, 259 , 
 Nowhere, 34 
 Nuisance, 32 
 
 O 
 
 O'Brien's son, Mrs., 152 
 O'Connell, Daniel, 199, 210, 222 
 O'Connor, Patrick, 272 
 O'Flanagan, Daniel, 167 
 O'Looney, Lady, 56 
 O'Malley, Justice, 206 
 Oath, under, 3 
 Obedience, military, 171 
 Obeying directions (Directions) 
 Obituary notice, 35, 187, 231 
 Obliged, much, 158 
 Obscurity, 134, 284 
 Ocular proof, 271 
 Occupied, 231 
 Office, usurped, 28 
 Old, 37, 53, 67, 74, 107, 119, 160, 
 
 216 
 Oliphant, 177 
 Omissions, 113, 184 
 One, 14, 84, 172, 233, 255 • 
 Only, 24, 71 
 
 Opening, a tangled, 192 
 Opera glasses, 148 
 Operation, a new, 199 
 Opinion, contemptible, 248 
 Oppressors, thieving, 118 
 Oratory, 12, 47, 154, 175, 184 
 Orders, obeying (Directions) 
 Ordinance, an, 214 
 Organist, 224 
 
298 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Orphan, 48 
 
 Orthodox, 132 
 
 Orthography, 103, 118, 232, 234, 
 
 265 
 Orton's funeral, 275 
 Ostend, garrison of, 230 
 Out, found, 249; locked,216; look, 
 
 55; ten times, 164; worn, 142 
 Oysters, 140, 244 
 
 Paces, six, 1 
 
 Paint, saving the, 150 
 
 Painting, by old nriasters, 37; 
 
 Irish, 260 
 Pants, 121, 137 
 Paper, substitutes for, 61 
 Paradox, 59, 231, 232 
 Paragraphs, 62 
 Parallel case, 157 
 Parasol, 147, 165 
 Pardon, 184, 271 
 Parish, for the, 198 
 Parliamentary (Legislation) 26, 
 
 81, 87, 120, 151, 166, 179, 196, 
 
 210, 221, 222, 238, 255', 260, 
 
 273, 276, 279 
 Parson (Minister and church) 
 Part, giving a, 196 
 Partially, 261 
 Participate, 259 
 Partington,Mrs.,158, 180, 196, 212 
 Party, at the, 87 
 Passenger, (Railway) 65, 114, 
 
 121, 280 
 Paths, untrodden, 171 
 Paul, St., 261 
 Paulding, 40 
 Pauper's graves, 150 
 Pawn tickets, 173 
 Peace, 151, 263 
 Pearl, 96 
 
 Pearls before swine, 190 
 Peck baskets, 281 
 Peasantry, 21, 130 
 Peer, 161, 254 
 Peg or two, down a, 132 
 Penalty, 112, 185 
 Penitentiary, 93 
 Perfection, simply, 266 
 Performance, 101, 196, 240 
 
 Perhaps, 261 
 
 Perish in the attempt, 271 
 
 Peroration, 30, 47 
 
 Personal column, 108, 117, 237 
 
 Petigru, 74 
 
 Phoenicians, 252 
 
 Photography, 122 
 
 Phrases, wrong words and, 63 
 
 Physic, 273 
 
 Physician, 15, 37, 45, 67, 81, 86, 
 107, 124, 140, 156, 175, 181, 
 188, 190, 202, 207, 2,31, 238, 
 254, 259, 262, 263 261, 265, 
 270, 281 
 
 Physics, statement in, 147 
 
 Physique, 273 
 
 Piano, 139 
 
 Pig-iron, loaded with, 28 
 
 Pills, 3 
 
 Pit, bottomless, 123; extraor- 
 dinary, 121 
 
 Places, in two, 158 
 
 Plaster, porous, 50 
 
 Plato and Emerson, 109 
 
 Pleasant looking, 122 
 
 Please, anxious to, 227 
 
 Pleasure and trouble, 110 
 
 Pliny, 153 
 
 Plural, in the, 284 
 
 Plurality, O'Hooligan's, 217 
 
 Pocket-book, 41 
 
 Point well taken, 46 
 
 Police, 28, 32, 97, 183, 202, 264 
 
 Policy, preventive, 16 
 
 Politeness, 27 
 
 Political, 65, 92, 103, 123, 150, 
 191, 271, 276 
 
 Polypodiums, 261 
 
 Poor, 176, 209 
 
 Pope Clement XIV., 20 
 
 Portraits, 104 
 
 Postals, 12 
 
 Posterity, 42, 243 
 
 Posters, puzzling, 39 
 
 Posthumous, 200 
 
 Postscript, 183, 188, 220 
 
 Pours, 176 
 
 Prairies, 139 
 
 Prayer, 18, 24, 32, 61, 86, 110, 
 132, 148, 160, 180, 208, 253, 
 260, 275 
 
INDEX. 
 
 299 
 
 Preacher (Minister and church) 
 
 Precise, 134, 256 
 
 Precision, 80, 134 
 
 Predominance, 237 
 
 Preface, 78 
 
 Prejudice, 151 
 
 Premium, sure of, 20 
 
 Prepositions, 85 
 
 Presbytery of St. Andrews, 190 
 
 Prescriptions, 3, 45, 60, 72, 107, 
 
 127, 254, 265 
 Presence, 237 
 Present, 53 
 
 Preservers, life, 23, 246 
 Prevention, 17, 242 
 Prison, Newgate, 246 
 Prisoner at the bar, 47, 261, 274 
 Private Atkins, 60 
 Privileged, 35 
 Prize winner, a, 20 
 Pro and con, 264 
 Procession, sad, 61 
 Proclamation, 203 
 Professor, 29, 33, 67, 85, 125, 128, 
 
 162,170,212,237,248,258 
 Progeny of learning, 64 
 Program, 130 
 Prohibition, 16, 266 
 Prominence, 176, 250 
 Pronouns, 76, 226 
 Pronunciation, 246 
 Proof, 218,271 
 Properly, 188 
 Prosecuted, shot and, 262 
 Protestant, 35, 196 
 Proved nothing, 198 
 Proverbial, bull, 176; showman, 
 
 36; wisdom, 246 
 Providence, trusting, 142; ways 
 
 of, 244 
 Pun, 189 
 Punctuation, 17, 44, 50, 54, 71, 
 
 110, 334, 192, 219, 221, 248 
 Punishable with death, 179 
 Pupils, one of the, 241 
 Putting one's foot in it, 141 
 
 Q 
 
 Quadrature, famous, 145 
 Quadrennial, 255 
 Quadrupeds, 132 
 
 Quaint phraseology, 253 
 Quandary, in a, 53 
 Quart bottles, 276 
 Quarry work, 283 
 Quarter sessions, 234 
 Quarterly meetings, 217 
 Query, a, 211 
 Quotations, familiar, 260 
 
 R 
 
 Rabbits, 223, 232 
 
 Railway, 8, 39, 54, 60, 65, 114, 
 158, 183, 223, 234, 235, 246, 
 253, 262, 267, 275, 280, 282 
 
 Rain, 176, 230, 264 
 
 Rapturous exclamation, 149 
 
 Rascal, 35 
 
 Rat, smell a, 219 
 
 Rates, water, 16 
 
 Rats, 78, 223 
 
 Raub, 135 
 
 Reader, 209, 268 
 
 Rearranged, 271 
 
 Rebellion, Irish, 91 
 
 Receipt, 27, 106 
 
 Recognition, 219 
 
 Recollect, 94 
 
 Recommendation, 100, 168 
 
 Record, a war, 64 
 
 Recovery, fearing, 196 
 
 Rectitude, path of, 30 
 
 Redeeming character, 47 
 
 Reductio ad absurdurn, 242 
 
 Redundancy, 223 
 
 Reform, dress, 270 
 
 Refusing to answer, 185 
 
 Regrets, 3, 206, 261, 284 
 
 Relative, distant, 138 
 
 Religion (Minister and church) 
 
 Remainder, preserving the, 196 
 
 Remains, 215 
 
 Remember, 94, 126 
 
 Reminder, 123, 219 
 
 Removing the capitol, 30 
 
 Rent, 51, 89, 200, 227, 253 
 
 Repeal, 211 
 
 Repetition, 115 
 
 Reports, 57, 191 
 
 Republican, 252 
 
 Request, a modest, 65 
 
 Resemblance, 43, 134, 218, 238 
 
300 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Residue, 235 
 
 Resolutions, 134, 180 
 
 Respected, 121 
 
 Respiration, 236 
 
 Rest, 188, 195 
 
 Returns, many, 165 
 
 Reverse, 59, 103 
 
 Revolution, 136, 277 
 
 Rheumatism, 72 
 
 Right, about face, 148; all, 265 
 
 Riot, 149, 171, 235 
 
 Rise in the Seine, 108 
 
 Riser, an early, 244 
 
 River, Tombigbee, 40 
 
 Robbery, 71, 110, 233, 242 
 
 Robinson, 269 
 
 Roche, Boyle, 21, 25, 42, 65, 66, 
 
 91, 123, 130, 144, 158, 196, 
 
 210, 219, 278, 279 
 Rochester, Bishop of, 130; Lord, 
 
 189 
 Rogers, the poet, 97 
 Roll, calling the, 53 
 Roof, on the, 32 
 Rooms, 89, 97, 145 
 Root, 150 
 
 Ruined, bound to be, 88 
 Rules, enforcing the, 141, 166, 
 
 240; old English, 74 
 Rum, missionary, 226 
 Rumor, a false, 213 
 Run away, 66 
 Runs down, 40 
 
 S 
 
 Safe key, 242 
 
 Said, 50, 231 
 
 Sailor, 154, 165 
 
 Sale, 147, 185 
 
 Sashes, window, 183 
 
 Satisfaction, guaranteed, 202 
 
 Sayings, familiar, 117, 176; of 
 great men, 166 
 
 Says as he thinks, 70 
 
 Scaffold, on the, 249 
 
 Scarred, 16 
 
 Scatter, 74, 197 
 
 Scenes, 112 
 
 Schedule, 213 
 
 Scholarship, specimens of Brit- 
 ish, 251 
 
 School, humor of, 10, 13, 18, 31 
 33, 70, 75, 99, 172, 192, 273 
 
 Science, grammar of, 37 
 
 Scolopendrums, 261 
 
 Scotland, liking, 95 
 
 Score, keeping the, 27 
 
 Scoundrel, 73 
 
 Scrubbing, 263 
 
 Sea, 17, 175, 245 
 
 Search, a fruitless, 217 
 
 Seashore, 266 
 
 Seats for ladies, 188 
 
 Second, 98 
 
 Secret, 151, 164, 255 
 
 Secretary's blunder, 195 
 
 Seelye, President, 174 
 
 Seine, rise in the, 108 
 
 Selwyn, 183 
 
 Sense, literal, 180; more, 182 
 
 Sentence, life, 41, 47, 111; end- 
 ings, 84 
 
 Sentences, a judge's, 47, 261, 267 
 
 Sentinel, 132, 242, 268 
 
 Sequitui', non, 209, 211 
 
 Sergeant, a drill, 148 
 
 Sermon (Minister and church), 
 14, 112, 138, 199 
 
 Servant, 34, 102, 124, 143, 144, 
 145, 147, 169, 185, 220, 223, 
 225, 258, 259, 265 
 
 Sessions, quarter, 234 
 
 Sewer, in the, 154 
 
 Sexes, 48, 104, 108^ 
 
 Sexton, well-meaning, 218 
 
 Shaken, to be well, 127 
 
 Shakespeare, 78, 108, 152, 198, 259 
 
 Shall, will and, 58 
 
 Share, the governor's, 235 
 
 Shaving, 5, 41 
 
 Sheep, 3, 182 
 
 Sheridan, 157 
 
 Shilling, 85 
 
 Ship, 149, 228 
 
 Shipwreck, 28, 138, 228 
 
 Shoemakers, rival, 36 
 
 Shoes, 84, 87, 174, 266 
 
 Shot, and prosecuted, 262; by 
 the peasantry, 130; off, 154 
 
 Shooting, 195, 282 
 
 Shouts of ten thousand, 191 
 
 Showman, proverbial, 36 
 
INDEX. 
 
 301 
 
 Shrieks of the dead, 154 
 
 Shut, with his eyes, 214 
 
 Shutter, on a, 63 
 
 Sick, 14, 193 
 
 Sickly, very, 103 
 
 Sight, grand, 37; melancholy, 38 
 
 Sign lore, 4 8, 19, 20, 22, 25, 36, 
 55, 77, 79, 111, 115, 121, 131, 
 137, 140, 166, 185, 193, 209, 2.33, 
 240, 249, 251, 263, 274, 281, 
 282, 284 
 
 Silence, 15, 171, 269 
 
 Similar, 54, 137 
 
 Simplicity of style, 245, 278 
 
 Simultaneous, 9 
 
 Sinecure, 221, 235, 268 
 
 Single, misfortunes, 130; still, 
 212 
 
 Sins, 86, 113 
 
 Sister, 202, 228 
 
 Sitting, 244 
 
 Situation, Bridget McN's, 6 
 
 Size, life, 266, 272 
 
 Skeleton, 167, 218 
 
 Skins, their own, 274 
 
 Slavery, 134 
 
 Sleep, 72, 81, 148, 197, 256 
 
 Slips, 42, 43, 113, 256 
 
 Slow, 250 
 
 Smith, 48, 181, 285 
 
 Smoking, 275 
 
 Snoring, 61 
 
 So, 223 
 
 Soak, in, 102 
 
 Soap advertisement, 29 
 
 Sober, one must be, 255 
 
 Social, event, 194; slips, 42, 43 
 
 Society, 134; beneficial, 133; 
 secret, 167 
 
 Socks, 72 
 
 Soldier, (Army and navy) 
 
 Son, 152 
 
 Sonnet, 211 
 
 Sorry, 90, 116, 223 
 
 Sou they, the poet, 72 
 
 Specific words, 131 
 
 Specimens of British scholar- 
 ship, 251 
 
 Speechless, 73, 193 
 
 Spelling, 103, 118, 232, 234, 265 
 
 Sphinx, 207 
 
 Spirit, invisible, 2 
 
 Spiritualism, 176 
 
 Spurgeon, 40, 242 
 
 Squad, in the, 34 
 
 Stages, by easy, 60 
 
 Stamps, 231, 260 
 
 Standing, 2, 37, 244 
 
 Starving, 81, 175 
 
 Statement, 46, 111, 120, 236, 264, 
 
 267, 268 
 Station, heard in a, 253 
 Statute (Legislation) 228 
 Steal, 163 
 
 Steele, Sir Richard, 6 
 Steeple, church, 98 
 Stephen, 63 
 Stilted expression, 20 
 Stones, 129, 280 
 Stove, economical, 93 
 Stream of time, 93 
 Strikes first, 70 
 String, bit of, 191 
 Strong as an ox, 153 
 Students, high, 13 
 Studies, useful, 192 
 Style, latest, 174; simplicity of, 
 
 245, 278 
 Substitute, 61 
 Success, 233 
 Successors, 175 
 Such, 223 
 
 Suffered everything, 201 
 Suggestion, a fit, 61 
 Suicide, 4, 14, 161, 179, 257, 271 
 Suit, 114 
 
 Suimna diligentia, 58 
 Summary, 31 
 Summer, a cold, 213 
 Sun, 122, 140, 267 
 Sunday, every, 133; school, 70 
 Sunset, 122 
 Superb, 164 
 Sujjerlatively loyal, 254 
 Sure, as eternity, 163; doubly, 
 
 152 
 Surgeon (Physician) 
 Survive, 273 
 Survivors, 87 
 Swearing, 184; 245 
 Sweet jewel, 245 
 Swim, ashore, 139; we apples, 116 
 
302 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Swindler, another, 65 
 Swine, pearls before, 190 
 Swinton, 24 
 Sword in one hand, 278 
 Sympathetic, 69, 102, 111 
 
 Table d'hote, 263 
 
 Tactful, not, 280 
 
 Talk, walk, nor, 158 
 
 Tall, always, 204 
 
 Talleyrand, 218, 
 
 Talmud, 60 
 
 Tangled opening, 392; some- 
 what, 148 
 
 Tariff, 93, 219 
 
 Taxes, 2, 21, 129, 170 
 
 Tea, 72, 90 
 
 Teacher, 160, 224, 271 
 
 Teaching, 55, 99, 100, 220, 224 
 
 Tears, leaving in, 29 
 
 Teetotaler, a, 93, 273 
 
 Telegraphic, 81, 99, 122, 179, 212, 
 250 
 
 Temperance, (Intemperance) 
 lecture, 120; meeting, 4; 
 men, 22 
 
 Tenderness, mixed, 29 
 
 Tennyson, 54 
 
 Tenses, harmony of, 74 
 
 Tenths, 128, 239 
 
 Terrors, king of, 178 
 
 Test, a weak, 202 
 
 Testimony, 3, 25, 51, 78, 178, 
 235, 262 
 
 Text, 29, 97, 206 
 
 Thackeray, 89 
 
 Thanks, 83, 149, 219, 232 
 
 Theatre, a crowded, 240 
 
 Thick, 46 
 
 Thin, 46, 239 
 
 Thinks, says as he, 70 
 
 Thorns, 286 
 
 Three R"s, 225 
 
 Throne, on the, 148 
 
 Thunder and -lightning, 39 
 
 Tickets, 31, 65, 68, 143, 154, 173 
 
 Ticknor, 201 
 
 Tillston, 226 
 
 Time, 5, 85, 93, 120, 140, 168, 
 173, 218, 270 
 
 Tipstaff, 195, 200 
 
 Tipsy, 58, 137 
 
 Title, infringing the, 50 
 
 Tithes, raising the, 239 
 
 Toast, 26, 188, 190, 285 
 
 Tobacco, 56, 96, 170 
 
 To let, 156, 170, 200, 253, 264; 
 
 Tomorrow, 72, 144, 198 
 
 Together, 66 
 
 Tombigbee River, 40 
 
 Tombstone (Epitaph literature) 
 
 Tone, a low, 55 
 
 Topsy, like, 174 
 
 Townsend, 61, 210 
 
 Trade, very dull, 130 
 
 Training, over, 241 
 
 Transitions, abrupt, 274 
 
 Translation, 58 
 
 Transpositions, 19, 82, 86, 198, 
 
 208 
 Treatment, too much, 214 
 Trembling in their shoes, 123 
 Trevor, 285 
 Trigonometry, 182 
 Trip, a wonderful, 89 
 Trouble and pleasure, 110 
 Trousers, 254 
 Trunk, an Irish, 279 
 Trust, no, 258 
 Trusting Providence, 142 
 Truth, 32, 79, 122, 136, 159, 172, 
 
 237 
 Tuesdays and Thursdays, 169 
 Turner, 134 
 Twain, Mark, 209 
 Twenty and ten, 115 
 Twinkling of an eye, 168 
 Two, as one, 172; of a kind, 37, 
 
 225 
 Typographical, 15, 16, 19, 39, 54, 
 
 57, 101, 139, 168, 177, 204, 
 
 272 
 Tyrant, 136 
 
 U 
 
 Unanimity, 255 
 Unanimous, 180 
 Uncertainty of life, 203 
 Uncle or aunt, 285 
 Unconscious, 14 
 Understanding, no, 280 
 
INDEX. 
 
 303 
 
 Undertaker, 51, 137, 255, 261 
 
 Unfortunate, 6, 104, 217 
 
 Uninhabited, 110 
 
 Union, the Irish. 210 
 
 Unmarked, 90 
 
 Unsaid, better left, 42, 43, 104, 
 
 107, 122, IGl, 230, 250 
 Unscrupulous, 50, 244 
 Unseen powers, 128 
 Untrodden paths, 171 
 Use of specific words, 131 
 Useful studies, 192 
 Usher, an Irish, 66 
 Usurped the office, 28 
 
 V 
 Vacant, 231 
 Vaccination, 129 
 Valleys and hills, 210 
 Vassar criticisms, 243 
 Venice, letter from, 147 
 Venom, 180 
 Venus and Adonis, 77 
 Veracity, truth and, 79 
 Verbal, 28, 210, 218 
 Verdicts, 37, 41, 44, 50, 140, 220, 
 
 245 
 Version, 158 
 Vessel, 2 
 
 Vestry, by order of, 194 
 Veteran, 16, 202 
 Veterinary, 202 
 Veto, 182 
 View, 75, 112 
 Virgil, 22, 38 
 Virtue, life of, 268 
 Visiting, cards, 173; London, 
 
 152 
 Vocabulary, 232 
 Void, 'tis, 199 
 Voyagers, 62 
 
 W 
 
 Wade, Marshal, 241 
 Wages, 115, 120 
 Waiter, a Highland, 9 
 Wake, an Irish, 256 
 Walk, 2, 158, 181 
 Walpole, 38 
 
 Walsh, 72, 136, 166, 181, 235 
 Wanted, 97, 100, 126, 155, 165, 
 172, 244, 249, 255, 283 
 
 War (Army and navy) 
 
 Ward, Artemus, 49, 177, 209 
 
 Warning, a, 139 
 
 Warranty, 265 
 
 Wash and iron, 126 
 
 Washerwoman, his own, 53 
 
 Water, melon, 121; rates, 16; 
 water, 193 
 
 Waters, troubled, 5 
 
 We, 264 
 
 Wear like iron, 231 
 
 Weary, 77 
 
 Weather, 14, 38, 239 
 
 Wedding, a colored, 84 
 
 Week, holy, 112 
 
 Well, 278; bull in the, 127 
 
 Wellington, Duke of, 171 
 
 Wendell, 254, 284 
 
 Wet and dry, 276 
 
 Wharf notice, 73 
 
 Wheatley, 57 
 
 When taken, 127 
 
 Which one, 233 
 
 Whisky, 83 
 
 Whisper to the judge, 185 
 
 White, all, 182; lie, 259 
 
 Whole, giving up the, 196 
 
 Whom, by, 83 
 
 Widow, 95, 118, 245, 279 
 
 Widower, 190 
 
 Wife (Marriage), 18, 27, 104, 
 159, 181 
 
 Wilkes, 243 
 
 Wilkins, 236 
 
 Will, and shall, 58, 88; Irish- 
 man's, 21 
 
 Wind, but little, 239 
 
 Winding, without, 131 
 
 Wine, 106 
 
 Wire, invisible, 160 
 
 Wisest man, the, 186 
 
 Wisdom, proverbial, 246 
 
 Wit, logic of, 33 
 
 Witness, 14, 16, 46, 48, 51, 136, 
 226 
 
 Woman, 26, 169 
 
 Women, manned by, 2 
 
 Wonders never cease, 171, 242 
 
 Woodward, Judge, 244 
 
 Word, act and, 41; believe every, 
 172 
 
304 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Words, 63; big, 214; few, 192; 
 
 misplaced, 188; specific, 131; 
 
 superfluous, ^; value of 
 
 small, 8 
 Working and drinking, 4 
 World, leads the, 12; owning 
 
 the, 156; sad, 225 
 Worm, bleating, 249 
 Worn out, 124 
 Wounded, 200, 239 
 Written for amusement, 30 
 
 Wrong words and phrases^ 63 
 Wrongs, silent under, 69 
 Wynn, 81 
 
 Y 
 
 Yankee, trading powers of, 75 
 Young blood, 261 
 
 Zeugma, 117 
 
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