(7 What ' happened to Wigglesworth What h appened to Wiggle sworth byW. O. Fuller Illustrated by E. D. Allen Publishers Henry A . Dickerman & Son 'Boston 1901 THESE sketches in their original form, first appeared in the New York World, New York Recorder and Boston Globe, but as here printed they have undergone extensive re- vision. The author and publishers are pleased to acknowledge the courtesy of the editors in permitting their publication in book form. SECOND EDITION Copyright, 1901 By Henry A. Dickerman & Son All rights reserved, also the lefts unless they can be dis- posed of. Permission is given to graduates of colleges of oratory who may wish to speak these pieces, with appropriate gestures, at church sociables and other public resorts. Playwrights desiring to adapt them for the stage should address the author, enclosing stamp. To the ivtse woman light of his humor upon the stage of this old work- day world of ours, revealing the little group of actors to our gaze, saying, " Did you ever see these people before ? " And our ready, happy looks of glad and instant recognition contradict our " No we never did " that goes with the extended hand of welcome greet- ing. Into his book, Mr. Fuller has put the laughter of our own lives. Our highest and most grateful appreciation of what he has done, will be to take the laughter of his book into our own hearts. Where it all happened A certified copy from the records of the town clerk of Wigglesworth' s native burgh in Knox county. A Guide to the Happenings HCHV Wiggles e worth Chapter Page Put on the Screen Door I 21 Played an April Fool Joke II 29 Beat the Carpet III 37 Gave a Surprise Party IV 47 Hung the Wall Paper V 55 Ran Through VI 65 Drove Some Neat Bargains VII 75 Took off the Outside Windows VIII 83 Rode Horseback IX 93 Played Croquet X IOI Celebrated The Fourth XI 109 Went Sailing XII 119 Mowed the Lawn XIII 127 Rode a Bicycle XIV 139 Caught the Burglar XV i45 Showed them Secrets of Haying XVI 153 Enjoyed the Eclipse XVII 163 Set up the Stove XVIII 171 Revived His Shooting XIX 179 A Guide to the Happenings Kept a Horse Chapter XX Page 189 Cared for Wetherbee's Oleander XXI 199 Studied Art XXII 207 Helped His Wife Receive XXIII 215 Learned to Solder XXIV 223 Endured Sickness XXV 231 Kept Thanksgiving Day XXVI 241 Shoveled Off XXVII 249 Oiled the Hinges XXVIII 257 Got Ready for Christmas XXIX 265 Played Santa Claus XXX 273 Swore Off XXXI 283 Went into Society XXXII 291 Caught the Train XXXIII 301 Operated the Ladder XXXIV 309 Skated XXXV 317 Settled Woman's Suffrage XXXVI 327 Renewed His Boyhood XXXVII 339 Got a Valentine XXXVIII 347 Went to the Fire XXXIX 355 Made Butter XL 363 A Few Snap Shots Frontispiece The Hon. Kllery W. Wigglesworth. (Latest Photo by Allen.) A little further on Map showing where it all happened. Chapter l " Giving utterance to a blood curdling laugh. Mr. Wigglesworth and the screen door seemed to launch themselves simultaneously into the air. " Page 20. Chapter 2 " And the hired girl bothered us a good deal. " Page 28. Chapter 3 "While his wife fell forward with terrible vigor, and was enabled to smite her husband six or seven times in rapid succession. " Page 36. Chapter 4 "But it was some moments before Mr. Wetherbee and the minister could get the man with the red whiskers and Mr. Wigglesworth sep- arated." Page 46. Chapter 5 "The paper letting go its hold and transferring its affections to the falling fortunes of the house of Wigglesworth. " Page 54. Chapter 6 " With a mighty up-gathering of strength Mr. Wigglesworth started forward. " Page 64. Chapter 7 " The first zip of water caught the fat man in the neck. " Page 74. Chapter 8 "She dashed after the barrel and falling upon it with a hysterical cry rolled completely over it. " Page 82. Chapter 9 " At every third bound of the horse, a bound shorter and more skippy than the other two, the rider would go into the air. " Page 92. Chapter 10 "At every blow, struck with terrific violence, a wire wicket would go sailing through the air. " Page 100. Chapter 11 " Me and the Dodley twins used to stay out all night firing guns and making more noise than a horse could haul. " Page 108. Chapter 12 "'O-o-h-h, EHery, ' she moaned. " Page 118. 15 A Few Snap Shots Chapter 13 " ' Get out of the way, then, ' snapped Mr. Wigglesworth. " Page 123. Chapter 14 " ' Hold her up there ! ' he cried. " Pace 136. Chapter 15 " ' See anything, ' he whispered. " Page 143. Chapter 16 " ' Ketch hold of her, screamed Mr. Wigglesworth, sawing wildly at the reins. " Page 152. Chapter 17 " ' Oh, yes. ' cried Mr. Wigglesworth, glaring across the table, ' that's it.'" Page 162. Chapter 18 "'Where's that hired girl?' snarled Mr. Wigglesworth, pausing to wipe his face. " Page 170. Chapter 19 " ' Sh ! ' hissed Mr. Wigglesworth, with an angry whisper, * can't ye keep quiet? He's on a point. ' " Page 178. Chapter 20 "' O, EHery, ' she screamed with a woman's presence of mind, ' come away instantly. ' " Page 188. Chapter 21 "Therefore they knew that the weight of the oleander had tem- porarily unhinged his reason. " Page 198. Chapter 22 " 'Is is that oatmeal? ' he slowly inquired. " Page 206. Chapter 23 " ' Want to keep me here grinding this old crank until Christmas, don't ye?" ' Page 214. Chapter 24 "At that instant Imogene suddenly opened the door with a snap that was imparted to the vertebrae of Mr. Wigglesworth. " Page 222. Chapter 25 "'Going to let me perish herein the dark?' he snapped; ' where's that fat-headed doctor ? '" Page 230. Chapter 26 "Then he grabbed it in his teeth Roscoe did, you understand. " Page 240. Chapter 27 "Petrified, the minister stood on the walk. " Page 248. Chapter 28 "But he was bothered at the office all through the afternoon." Page 256. Chapter 29 "'Why, EHery!' she call"d, 'what have you got there?'" Page 264. 16 A Few Snap Shots Chapter 30 "'What'd I tell ye?' he snapped, calling 1 attention to his trussed legs; ' ain't I a dandy Santa Claus ?'" Page 272. Chapter 31 "'It's something broke out of somewhere.' " Page 283. Chapter 32 " ' Mind the lamp ! ' warned the host." Page 290. Chapter 33 " Emma ! ' he shouted rushing to the head of the stairs, where'o them shirt studs ? ' "Page 300. Chapter 34 ' Mrs. Wigglesworth, with a loud shriek, disappeared from view into the neighboring premises. " Page 308. Chapter 35 " ' I'm going to show ye how me and Aleck Dodley used to do a spread eagle. '" Page 316. Chapter 36 "The marshal will conduct him as our welcome guest to a seat. " Page 326. Chapter 37 " It was a snowball with a marble heart. " Page 338. Chapter 38 " ' Yah-yah-yah ! ' snarled Mr. Wigglesworth as he slammed the front door. " Page 346. Chapter 39 "'Where's the fire?' ejaculated Mr. Wigglesworth, puffing vio- lently." '"Wot fire's this? 1 the policeman calmly made reply." Page" 354. Chapter 40 " Alexander, the cat, got up in a chair and watched Mr. Wiggles- worth as he poured the milk into the churn. " Page 362. Chapter I How Wiggle&worth Put on the Screen Door "Giving utterance to a blood-curdling laugh Mr. Wiggles- worth and the screen door appeared to launch themselves into the air simultaneously." Page 25. What happened to Wigglesworth CHAPTER I. How Wigglesworth Put on the Screen Door H, dear ! " sighed Mrs. Wigglesworth, " I do wish you'd put on the screen door, Ellery. The flies are just getting into the house awfully." Mr. Wigglesworth puffed contentedly at his noon- day cigar, while his wife continued to cavort about the hall, frenziedly directing the attention of a scared fly toward the front door with her apron. " Do you hear, Ellery ? " she called, aiming a des- perate blow with the apron and knocking a portrait of Henry Clay into an italic position. The fly smiled. " Ellery ! " she called again, " do you hear ? " "Think I'm deef?" retorted Mr. Wigglesworth, with a tinge of sarcasm; "reckon I'm the stone sphinx of Rameses III., don't ye?" "You don't answer me," pouted Mrs. Wiggles- worth, waiting for the fly to alight. " I asked when you were going to put on the screen door ? " "Where is it ? " asked her husband abruptly. "I'm sure I don't know," returned Mrs. Wiggles- worth, appearing in the door and leaving the fly tc chuckle over his triumph. H&w Wigglesworth "Well," said Mr. Wigglesworth testily, "how ye think I'm going to put on a screen door unless ye prance it out where a feller can get at it ? " "You took it off, the .first of the winter," replied his wife; "don't you remember, Ellery, how late it got, with snow on the ground, and the neighbors laughing at you and saying you always leave it on after the snow flies he-he-he 1 " "He-he-he!" sneered Mr. Wigglesworth angrily; " you think you 're mighty smart, don't ye, repeating somebody's old, stale chestnuts." " I thought it a pretty good joke on you," said Mrs. Wigglesworth ; " it was such a good pun, you know." " Oh, yes, it was a great pun," snorted Mr. Wig- glesworth, his face taking on a purple cast ; " must have been great for Mrs. Wigglesworth to see it must have loomed up like a stone church." " I think I can see a joke as quick as most people," said that lady, with a show of spirit. " Course you can," sniffed her husband ; " you can see 'em quicker than the man that gets 'em up. Mrs. Wigglesworth, the long-expected American Humorist, author of Wigglesworth's Annual Almanac and other well-known works of humor. Now is the time to sub- scribe. That 's what you are." Enveloping himself in this cloud of persiflage Mr. Wigglesworth disappeared in it up the front stairs, while his wife proceeded to worry the fly from the parlor curtains, behind which covert he had disap- peared in company with a mocking laugh. 22 Put on the Screen Door Mr. Wigglesworth snatched his way through the attic in a hurried manner that left a disordered array of trunks and feather beds and antique clothing in his wake. Somebody must have broken into the house in the night and nailed down every window, so that the sun, smiting ambitiously at the shingles on the roof, diffused a mellow warmth through the attic, glueing Mr. Wigglesworth's garments to every avail- able portion of that gentleman's anatomy and creating a storm center that seemed likely to be heard from directly. " Gash-flummux the old screen 1 " yelled Mr. Wiggles- worth, putting his foot into a bandbox that had be- longed to his wife's Aunt Caroline, who had once died quite unexpectedly and left very little else. " What they got it hid away in this way for ? What 's the use to poke it away up here in the air when they might have sunk an artesian well and buried it? Think I 'm Dr. Nansen, don't they ? " and as he came to this bitter conclusion Mr. Wigglesworth struck his head with a hollow sound against an unexpected rafter and lit up the whole attic with a sudden, lurid glare. " That 's it ! " he shrieked, clawing an Early English hoopskirt from a nail and getting both arms mysteri- ously involved with it ; " that 's the way ! " he added, hoarsely, bursting open a discarded pillow with a kick and taking a large quantity of feathers into his dis- tended nostrils. But this brought him to the screen door. He re- membered, now, how he had struggled up there with 23 How Wtgglesivorth it some months ago and flung it disdainfully into a corner. With a smothered shriek of rage mingled with feathers Mr. Wigglesworth fell upon the door and dragged it forward. He did n't believe it possible he confessed this, afterwards, to the doctor that they had been house- keeping long enough to accumulate so many trunks and wooden boxes as that door attached itself to dur- ing its short but eventful journey toward the attic stairs. But Mr. Wigglesworth's blood was up and he 'd have ripped the lids off twice as many trunks if the door had held together long enough for him to do so. And now and then he would pause and clutch madly at the old hoopskirt, whose sinuous coils had enveloped his back and shoulders like the fangs of the deadly upas tree. " Suffering Columbus ! " Mr. Wigglesworth would shriek, and his voice would stir the clouds of feathers that had come out of that one little pillow and rilled the entire attic. Even amid the perspiring horror of the situation Mr. Wigglesworth paused to note this singular circumstance. He and the screen door got down the attic stairs together. He never understood how. People who subsequently called in to talk it over with Mrs. Wigglesworth, and were brought up stairs by that lady to view the situation, shook their heads and said that they didn't either. It was a crooked flight of stairs, with a pain that doubled them up in the 24 Put on the Screen Door middle, and they were narrow and their whole general course instinctively suggested a Keeley cure. Mr. Wigglesworth said he remembered arriving at the top step, with the door in his grasp, and later he found himself wedged at the foot of the stairs, the door being still with him, but of what took place in the meantime he has n't the slightest recollection. One of the callers found a curly piece of sun-tanned cuticle hanging on a nail near where the stairs forked, which on being spread out was found to exactly fit an open place on the back of Mr. Wigglesworth's neck. So it is believed he must have passed down that way. " Hark ! " said the minister who had rung the bell in the course of his parish calls and was being smil- ingly admitted by Mrs. Wigglesworth ; " what is that dreadful noise ? " It was Mr. Wigglesworth, struggling to his feet and making use of the first word that came to hand. Then he poked the end of the screen door over the bannister rail. "What ye doing down there? "he yelled to his wife ; " think I 'm going to give up my whole noon rest digging out screen doors for you ? " " Don't try to come down the stairs alone with it, I beg of you, Ellery," cried Mrs. Wigglesworth, clasping her hands; "you'll scratch the wood-work and " Giving utterance to a blood-curdling laugh, Mr. Wigglesworth and the screen door appeared to launch themselves into the air simultaneously, like that 25 Put on the Screen Door mythological god of something that the minister re- membered speaking about in one of his sermons, but whose name for the moment escaped him. Mr. Wigglesworth's arms appeared to be fastened at the elbows with the hoopskirt that clustered about his back, somewhat fettering his existence, and his new spring coat was quite lost sight of for the feathers. Then he suddenly put both of his legs through the screen door and the next instant the whole procession arrived in the hall with a crash that sounded like the collapse of an early presidential boom. " My darling Ellery ! " sobbed Mrs. Wigglesworth, rushing forward. "Screen doors put up I" shrieked Mr. Wiggles- worth in a thick voice ; " I 'm Ellery Wigglesworth, the celebrated screen doorist. I 'm Ellery W. Wig- glesworth, the well-known philanthropist who goes around putting up screen doors for the poor. I'm " But then they saw that his mind wandered and they unthreaded his legs from the wires with all the tenderness they were capable of. Chapter II Haw Wigglesxvorth Played an April Fool Joke /A*. And the hired girl bothered us a good deal.'" Page 33. CHAPTER 11. How Wigglesworth Played an April Fool Joke H E! he! he!" snickered Mrs. Wiggles- worth, as she bent over her work. "What ye laughing at?" asked Mr. Wigglesworth, without looking up from his paper. " I was thinking," answered his wife, shaking her head and smiling. "Well, don't let it occur again!" retorted Mr. Wigglesworth. " How's anybody going to know what to look for when Mrs. Wigglesworth gets to think- ing?" " I was thinking about April Fool's Day," said Mrs Wigglesworth, unheeding her husband's pleas- antry. Mr. Wigglesworth stared over the top of his paper, and broke into a grin. "That's natural enough, though," he said, with a loud chuckle, and then he nodded to himself in the glass. "What a strange custom it is," Mrs. Wiggleworth continued, reflectively, "this playing of jokes upon people. I suppose it dates back ever so many years. Did you ever have any jokes played on you, Ellery ? " "Well, I guess I didn't," said Mr. Wigglesworth, blowing out his lips ; " but I Ve played enough of 'em 29 Ho| O right away," warned Mrs. Wiggles- m worth in a falsetto voice. " I don't ^ '... want them, and I won't have you track- ^ ^ ing mud all over my clean steps ! " And she slammed the door. "There!" she said, triumphantly, coming back to the sitting-room, " I've got rid of him, I hope." "Who's that?" Mr. Wigglesworth inquired over the top of his paper. "One of those horrid old peddlers," his wife re- turned, "selling things out of a basket, and then when your back is turned snatching an overcoat off the rack and running away. But I sent him flying, you better believe 1" she concluded, with an air of satisfaction. " Humph ! " growled Mr. Wigglesworth, rattling his paper, " I s'pose ye think that's smart ? " " Ellery Wigglesworth," his wife retorted, " do you want a tall man with whiskers to come right in here and sell me eight yards of Irish lace, and while I am gone upstairs for the money have him steal a pair of real Wedgewood vases off " "What's the use of acting paralyzed?" Mr. Wig- glesworth broke in. " You women folks are all alike. Don't you s'pose these men who go around peddling have to work hard for a living ? I never saw such 75 Ho e w Mrs. Wigglesworth heartlessness," he continued, his voice mounting until it took on quite a declamatory flavor, that gave him a great sense of satisfaction. "These men are poor, maybe have large families to support, health gone, likely, and when they come to your doors, begging a little trade to save them from the poorhouse, you womenfolks set the dogs on 'em 1 I say its scan- dalous ! " By this time Mr. Wigglesworth had worked himself into a fine passion of eloquence, and he wished the kitchen door was open, so that Imogene might get the full effect of it. "Why I'm sure "Mrs. Wigglesworth began. "Oh, yes, you're sure," bullied her husband, " you 're the surest one on the street, you are. Come in bottles, you do, one dollar each, or six for five, and warranted, or money refunded. By cutting a coupon out of your wrapper anybody can guess on the weight of the Washington Monument. That's what you are 1 " Mr. Wigglesworth thought he rarely had known himself to be in such a keen flow of argument and he hated to let up with it, but it was office time, and his wife had sunk upon the lounge, silenced and abashed by the flashing of his trenchant humor. Two days later, it will be remembered, the ther- mometer suddenly rushed upstairs, and with a loud snort blew a vent-hole through its upper story. At the noon hour Mr. Wigglesworth plunged into the front hall, mopping his red face with a handkerchief. " What ails ye ? " he yelled, rushing into the parlor 76 Drove Some Neat Bargains and throwing up a window; "trying to make a vacuum, ain't ye, to take the place of that head of yours ? " " I beg of you, Ellery," pleaded his wife, " not to let all the dust in on this clean carpet." " Carpet nothing ! " puffed Mr. Wiggleswprth, shoving up the other window ; " s'pose I want to be fried to death in my own house? Hottest day in eight years, I tell ye, and me sasshaying round here in my winter flannels, just to oblige you!" Saying this, he shot up the front stairs. " Where's my summer clothes ? " he shouted, as he hurried out of the room. Mrs. Wigglesworth said to the minister's wife after- ward that at those words she felt herself to be glued to the lounge. There was a great noise overhead of trampling feet, doors slammed, chairs appeared to tip over with loud reports, and presently a dark purple streak of remarks peculiar to Mr. Wigglesworth began to find its way down the stairs and float out at the open window. People on their way to dinner stopped to listen, and a fat man in his shirt sleeves started up the steps as though to offer assistance. "Ain't ye coming up here today?" bellowed Mr. Wigglesworth to his wife ; " think I Ve got nothing to do but paw around in trunks with their lids off ? Where's that gray suit ? " Weak and tottery as she was, Mrs. Wigglesworth had to mount the stairs, tightly clutching the bannis- ter rail. 77 How Mrs. Wigglesworth "Where's that white vest of mine?" her husband called, as soon as she rose to the surface ; " what 's got into ye, hiding my things this way ? Don't tell me I didn't hang up a gray suit in this closet last Fall, 'cause I know better. Where Ve ye stuffed that white vest ? " The rooms and closets of the second floor were burst open like a paper bag of flour dropped from the roof of a shot tower. Only those familiar with the grand energy of Mr. Wiggles worth's character can understand how in so short a time that gentleman could upset so many trunks and boxes and pull the knobs off thirteen bureau drawers. " What 's the matter with ye ? " he cried, glaring at his wife, who gazed on the ruins with a look of dis- may. " Can 't ye answer a civil question ? Got any fixed reason for not telling what's become of them flannel pants ? " Mrs. Wigglesworth gave a mighty swallow. "I sold them," she said in a faint voice. " You what ? " shouted Mr. Wigglesworth, his face turning rigid. "To a peddler man, you know," his wife ex- plained in a weak voice ; " he came along, you know, after we had had talked it over don't you remember ? " " Oh, yes, I remember," Mr. Wigglesworth made reply, in a voice of unnatural calmness. " I recall it perfectly. Wha 'd ye get for them flannel pants ? " "A beautiful little statuette," Mrs. Wigglesworth answered; "of of Psyche, I think." 78 Drove Some Neat Bargains "Ah, indeed!" her husband said, in an excess of affected pleasure. " And that elegant summer vest for that you received " "The most exquisite matchsafe," Mrs. Wiggles- worth replied with enthusiasm. "The man said him- self it was worth twice as much as the vest." "Oh, of course," Mr. Wigglesworth assented, "he knew. Anybody that 's a judge of matchsafes knows they 're out of sight 'longside any old vests belonging to Wigglesworth. And what about the gray suit? Let 's hear about the great commercial transaction of Mrs. Wigglesworth in gray suits. Tremendous bar- gains in gray suits at Mrs. Wiggles worth's. Gray suits marked down to make room for new spring goods. Call on Mrs. Wigglesworth before going else- where." "Why " Mrs. Wigglesworth began twin- ing her fingers, "it it was an old suit, you know you'd worn it two summers, Ellery." "Yes I know," her husband allowed, nodding his head confidentially at the bureau, as his wife hesitated. "And so you see," she went on, "it being old, and so worn, and the man saying the style had changed, you know and all that I I threw it in." Mr. Wigglesworth nodded again at the bureau. He nodded several times. "She threw it in," he repeated to the bureau. " Mrs. Wigglesworth, my wife, threw it in." 79 Drove Some Neat bargains Then he turned and walked out of the room. There was a fixed look of calmness on his counte- nance such as people wear just before they go crazy. Mr. Wigglesworth walked down the stairs. For fifteen minutes the fat man in shirt sleeves had stood at the front door, violently ringing the bell. Mr. Wigglesworth flung the door open. " Beg pardon," the fat man said in a husky voice, "but hearing a loud noise inside, we thought there might be trouble, so I made bold to " Mr. Wigglesworth pushed past the fat man, caught up the lawn hose and turned on a full head. The first zip of water caught the fat man in the neck, just as he was boosting himself sidewise down the top step, and as he fetched a whoop and slid to the fence on his back, pawing the air madly, Mr. Wigglesworth was able to soak his clothes so full of water that it took four of the stoutest bystanders to hoist the fat man to his feet. Bo Chapter VIII How Wigglesworth Took Off the Outside Window "She dashed after the barrel and falling upon it with a hysterical cry rolled completely over it." Page 88. CHAPTER Vlll. How Wigglesworth Took off the Outside Window " ~T| > LLERY, " said Mrs. Wigglesworth, mildly, SL^j " do you realize that this is the last of . June and we haven't got our storm -* ** windows off yet?" "Well, why ain't we?" retorted Mr. Wiggles- worth, sawing at his steak. " I Ve spoken to you ever so many times about it, you know, " pursued his wife, " and you always put me off." " Huh ! returned Mr. Wigglesworth, " you talk as if you were a suit of winter flannels. " " I wish they could be taken down, " sighed his wife; "all the neighbors are laughing at us. Only yesterday Mrs. Todley asked me if we were going to use them this summer instead of screens. " " Ya-a-a-h-h ! " sneered Mr. Wigglesworth, flinging down the napkin without folding it, as a man will when mad, "what ye s'pose I care about your meddling old neighbors? Todley better pay that $25 he owes me for last year's coal bill before his wife goes to putting on so many airs. I hate such people. " As his voice rose into a high tone of indignation Mr. Wigglesworth accompanied it out of the room. "I don't see any outside windows, " he called back 83 How Wiggles < worth from the sitting room. "What ails ye, anyway? What ye fussing so about ? " "Why, that's just it, " fluttered his wife, appearing in the door ; " the inside ones are so dirty you can't see through them. That's why I want the outside ones down, so I can get cleaned up before Aunt Emmeline comes. " Mr. Wigglesworth received the reference to Aunt Emmeline with a sour countenance. " Where's the screw driver ? " he abruptly de- manded. Mrs. Wigglesworth laid a finger reflectively to her lip and put her head a trifle on one side. " Let me see, " she said, slowly, " the last time I saw it you were driving that nail in the no, that wasn't it, of course, " she hastily added, " for you had the hammer that time and knocked your thumbnail off don't you remember, Ellery when the minister and his wife came in at the very moment you were screaming those dreadful words just like the circus men use, Ellery you remember." Mr. Wigglesworth gave an impatient roll to his head. "What ye talking about now?" he cried ; "what ye running on like that for? Mrs. Wigglesworth the Human Phonograph. Drop a nickel and hear a piece spoke. Curfew Must Not Ring Tonight by special request." " Oh, I know where it is ! " cried that lady, clapping her hands ; " Imogene had it last night shelling those lobsters. That 's where it is." 8 4 Took off the Outside Window It was a screw driver such as innocent neighbors are apt to borrow and bring back the next day with several of their knuckles missing. The rusty blade was blunted at the point and where it was let into the handle there was a brass band gone, so that the thing would unjoint when you least expected it and write its autograph on the back of your hand. Hired girls had been known to attack a tomato can with that screw driver and shortly afterwards come scream- ing into the front room with both wrists done up and a demand for their back wages. Mr. Wigglesworth regarded it with intense disgust. "Ain't that a daisy of a screw driver!" he ejacu lated, as he flung it out of doors. " Gimme a barrel here, can't ye ? " he said, calling to his wife. " Can't ye help out a little instead of standing up on that verandah trying to look wise? How ye s'pose I 'm going to unscrew these windows from the ground ? Think I 'm an extension fire ladder, don't ye ? Wigglesworth, the world-renowned giraffe man. That 's what you probably think." Accelerated by this flowing tide of sarcasm Mrs. Wigglesworth hastened to fetch from the shed the last emptied flour barrel. " It 's awfully heavy, Ellery," she panted, for the sun shone blithely and there was very little air astir. " Poh ! " returned her husband, " don't find so much fault at having to do a little work. Can't any- body ask you to do the least bit of a job but you grumble and try to get out of it. Hold on 85 Hoorth screw and Mr. Wigglesworth yanked at it viciously. "What ails the gash-flummuxed old thing?" he shrieked as it still clung fondly to its winter home. Mr. Wigglesworth confessed afterwards to the minister that he had forgotten the barrel, else he wouldn't have stamped upon it so savagely. Probably one hundred thousand men at different times in the world's history have stood up on barrels and had the head sink out from under them, but doubtless, none ever did it with more suddenness than Mr. Wiggles- worth, or while balancing a fifty-pound outside window in the air. Down the driveway the barrel rolled, and at every jolt there were nails that stuck still deeper into Mr. Wigglesworth. " Take it off I Let me up ! " he roared, lashing out wildly with his legs and arms, whereat the barrel rolled the faster and inserted its nails into Mr. Wig- glesworth with deeper emphasis. "Stop the barrel 1 " screamed the woman next door. Then Mrs. Wigglesworth aroused from her'state of paralysis. Uttering a shrill feminine scream, with out-stretched arms, she dashed after the barrel, and falling upon it with an hysterical cry rolled completely over it, while the barrel, giving vent to a loud note of triumph, passed relentlessly on and ground her pros- trate figure into the soft mud of the driveway. First the neighbors got Mrs. Wigglesworth on her feet and found both her sidecombs. 88 Took off the Outside Window "Oh, where is my darling Ellery?" she wailed, wringing her hands. They discovered him after a time, wandering aim- lessly about behind the stable, hunting for a screw- driver and muttering incoherently. He still wore the barrel, and when a sympathizing carpenter offered to take it off, Mr. Wigglesworth burst into tears and refused to let anybody touch him. They then saw how intense the rays of the sun had been. 89 Chapter IX How Wigglesworth Rode Horseback " At every third bound of the horse, a bound shorter and more skippy than the other two, the rider would go into the air.'' Page 97. CHAPTER iX H Wigglesworth Played Croquet f ~"^ELL ye what it is," Mr. Wigglesworth puffed as he labored buttoning his vest, " I'm getting too stout. What I need's exercise." "Why, I don't think you're any too stout," his wife returned through a mouthful of shell hairpins ; " I think you look nice." "Course," sniffed Mr. Wigglesworth, "that's the way a woman looks at it. Want me to swell up with apoplexy, don 't ye, and have an effusion on the brain ? Be fun, you think, to have a doctor come and let out two quarts of blood on the carpet, and then charge eighty dollars for showing me how to get it back again. That's the way Mrs. Wigglesworth economizes." "There!" exclaimed Mr. Wigglesworth, toiling up the steps at noon and setting down a long flat box ; "there's something that s got life in it." " Why, Ellery, what is it ? " said his wife, giving a little scream and backing away. " Don 't shy," grinned Mr. Wigglesworth ; " t won 't bite. It's a croquet set," he added triumphantly, throwing open the lid and disclosing the brightly painted balls and mallets. " O-o-o-o-h-h ! " cried Mrs. Wigglesworth, clapping her hands, " how nice 1 And will we play with it ? " How Wiggtesworth " Play with it 1 " mimicked Mr. Wigglesworth ; "wha'd ye think we'd do; hang it on the parlor wall ? Might wear it to the Governor's reception, I s 'pose. Or mebbe the hired girl would like to stuff a turkey with it she's tried most everything else." Finishing his dinner to the accompaniment of this style of comment, Mr. Wigglesworth went out on the lawn and adjusted the wire hoops according to diagram. " Best exercise in the world," he boasted, waving a mallet in the air. " Old Wetherbee told me he re- duced his weight nine pounds in two weeks. Come down here 1 " he called to his wife, " and let 's have a game." Mrs. Wigglesworth under her husband's direction, adjusted the ball. " Do I knock it through this first wicket first ? " she asked. " Course, " answered Mr. Wigglesworth ; "think ye had to knock it through the last one first ? Might try to get it through the seventh one fourth, I s'pose. Mrs. Wigglesworth's new rules for croquet, got up by herself. " Putting her tongue between her teeth Mrs. Wiggles- worth struck smartly at the ball and dug a hole in the lawn. Quickly recovering, she dealt a second stroke, avoided the ball and tore the wicket out of the ground. " That's the way, " howled Mr. Wigglesworth. "That's the way to go through the wickets." 102 Played Croquet He plucked the bent wire from his wife's mallet and thrust it back in the ground. " Lemme show ye, " he said in a tone of import- ance, while Mrs. Wigglesworth stood back and ad- justed her hair. Mr. Wigglesworth sent his ball through the first wicket, and nearly got it through the second, and probably would have done so anyway if the minister hadn't leaned over the fence at that moment and dis- concerted his aim. " Delightful game, " commented the minister in a kindly tone. " Full of life, requiring the exercise of skill and an admirable discipline for the temper. I am very fond of it. " Encouraged by this favorable opinion Mrs. Wiggles- worth bunted her ball under the wire arch and struck the ball of her opponent. "Bravo!" cried the minister, gleefully clapping his hands ; " an exceedingly clever stroke. Now, you can croquet his ball out of your way." The minister ostentatiously explained how this could be done, and under his instruction Mrs. Wig- glesworth sent her husband's ball merrily bounding to the far extremity of the lawn, slowly followed by the husband himself. The minister was a finished performer and with his intelligent assistance Mrs. Wigglesworth discovered, a skill that nobody could have believed her capable of. Smoothly she glided through the wickets, tapped pleasantly against the turning stake, and then set her sails for the return 103 HCKV Wiggles e worth home, while anon she would pounce upon her hus- band's opposing forces and rout them out of the county. "You think yourself mighty smart, don't ye?" Mr. Wigglesworth growled between his gritted teeth to his wife, when the minister's back was turned. Mrs. Wigglesworth suffered a little smile of triumph to momentarily flicker into her face, and at that the blood of Wigglesworth boiled over. " Who 's playing this game, anyway ? " he snorted, glaring at the minister. "Why, Ellery!" expostulated Mrs. Wigglesworth. "I can beat the whole box and dice of yel" ejaculated her husband angrily, as, with a lucky stroke, the balls collided. The full knowledge of the indignities heaped upon him in the game surged through his recollection, and he trod the balls into close conjunction. " Look out, there 1 " he warned, waving the minister to one side. Then he put his foot on the ball, lifted his mallet aloft and smote with a strength born of long-bottled- up anger. The mallet shrieked through its circle, there was a momentary agitation of the atmosphere, and Mr. Wigglesworth was rolling among the wickets with his foot in both hands and a connected stream of yells issuing from his lips, such as the minister said afterward he could never have believed the human lungs were equal to producing. " Wow wow wow ! " howled Mr. Wigglesworth, 104 Played Croquet curling about the home stake and thrusting one leg up towards the heavens while he still gripped the other foot affectionately. " Let me help you, " suggested the minister, lean- ing over him with a \ook of sympathy in his counte- nance. Mr. Wigglesworth straightened out like a cracked spring. "You get out of this yard!" he yelled; "don't you think because I go to your church and drop an envelope in the contribution box that you can come around here putting on airs and trying to make my wife think she's the head of the family 1 I want you to understand that I can run this ranch without any " With a face frozen in horror the minister already had dashed up the street, and Mr. Wigglesworth turned the battery on his wife. But that lady had discreetly vanished. The woman next door saw a man prancing wildly about the lawn, waving above his head a painted mallet. At every blow, struck with terrific violence, a wire wicket would go sailing through the air and rattle the stable roof far distant. The man limped dreadfully, the woman next door declared, and ac- companied each limp with a groan and some remarks that were more than adequate to the occasion. So there can be no doubt that it was Mr. Wigglesworth. 105 Chapter XI How Wigglesworth Celebrated the Fourth " ' Me and the Dodley twins used to stay out all night firing guns and making more noise than a horse could haul.'" Page no. CHAPTER XI. How Wigglesworth Cele- bated the Fourth. BOOM ! said the cannon. Jangle rangle crash 1 went the church bells crazily. Fitz crackle b-r-r-r-r bang ! that was the small boy with the giant cracker. Mr. Wigglesworth lifted an inflamed face from the pillow and glared about the apartment. The hair that by day he wore carefully brushed up over his bald place hung in a limp and dish-rag condition. " Oh, dear 1 " wailed Mrs. Wigglesworth, " I have n't slept a wink since twelve o'clock." Mr. Wigglesworth dashed his fists savagely into the pillow. "If I had them boys here," he cried in a hoarse scream, "I'd take and knock their heads off! " Everybody feels that way during the pale morning hours of Independence Day, but with the arrival of breakfast and the momentary cessation of hostilities softer sentiments are apt to prevail. Even Mr. Wigglesworth felt the asperity of his nature soften- ing as Imogene brought in the eggs. "After all, boys have to be boys," he allowed, wiping the egg from his cuff. " I don't see why," complained Mrs. Wigglesworth, "and my head aching fit to split." " Poh 1 " returned her husband, " what 's the use to 109 How Wiggles e worth complain of a little thing like that ? Ain't ye willing the boys should have some fun once a year without your getting out a headache and trying to break it all up ? What ye want to be so selfish for ? " "They didn't act that way when I was young," sighed Mrs. Wiggles worth. Mr. Wigglesworth looked at his wife sternly. " When you was young ? " he repeated with great sarcasm ; " pro 'bly not. Impossible to recall what were the manners and customs when Mrs. Wiggles- worth was young. Boys went to Sunday School picnics, pro'bly, and drank lemonade out of tin dip- pers. But that wa'n't the way with me," Mr. Wig- glesworth boastfully added ; " me and the Dodley twins used to stay out all night, firing guns and making more noise than a horse could haul." " It must have been dreadful," shuddered his wife. " Dreadful nothing," retorted Mr. Wigglesworth ; "it was fun. Aleck Dodley used to cut up the greatest pranks in the world and he had the loudest gun you ever heard." " I 'm glad I don't have to hear it now," said Mrs. Wigglesworth. "Y-a-a-h-h?" cried her husband, pushing away from the table, " I hate such selfishness. Where 'd this country be, I'd like to know, if King George had had his way ? " With which unanswerable bit of logic Mr. Wiggles- worth repaired to the hammock and enjoyed the luxury of a morning holiday cigar. Backward over no Celebrated the Fourth the years his thoughts went trailing, and he was a boy again, wandering the country lanes with the mighty Aleck Dodley, splitting the heavens with the loud discharges of their guns, and being brought home in the early morning hours with a large quantity of powder suddenly inserted into his countenance. "Boys don't have such times, these days," mut- tered Mr. Wigglesworth to himself; "they're slow. Me and the Dodley twins were smarter than a whole trainload of 'em." Pursuing this train of thought it was natural for Mr. Wigglesworth at length to be seized with a mighty suggestion. "I'll do it!" he exclaimed, smiting his leg; "I'll show these people how to wind up a Fourth, if they don't know how to open it." Shortly afterwards he rushed into the fireworks store and gave an order that caused the proprietor to rub his hands. " Shall we send up a man this evening to operate them ? " he asked. " Certainly not," replied Mr. Wigglesworth a little tartly; "I reckon I can poke off a few fireworks without having to be shown how." It was a surprisingly large box that the expressman later unloaded on the lawn. Mr. Wigglesworth walked around it admiringly with his hands in his pockets. "Ellery Wigglesworth!" called his wife sternly iron? the parlor window, "you don't mean to tell me in Wiggles t worth that those are the fireworks you are going to have ? " Mr. Wigglesworth kept on whistling. "If you've any friends that want to see the biggest exhibition in town," he said presently, "you better trot 'em around." The blazing sun in due season sank down the west and night brought out "the stars, also a large quantity of boys who roosted on the Wigglesworth fence and prepared for any emergency, while the verandah became a bower of lovely women in beautiful summer evening dress. " Rejoiced to see you, Brother Wigglesworth, " said the minister, arriving at that moment with his wife ; " we received your invitation and hastened hither with much alacrity. It is eminently fitting, " added the minister, surveying the scene and practicing a gesture for the following Sunday, " that we should in this manner testify to the bravery of our fore- fathers in in throwing off England's er gall- ing er er galling " " Yoke, " suggested his wife. "Precisely," said the minister, "yoke the very word I was about to employ certainly. " " We'll open the show, " called Mr. Wigglesworth, striding out upon the lawn with a becoming air of importance, "with a sky rocket. She's going to rise more 'n a mile, so keep your eye on her. " He stood the rocket up and laid a match to it. Then another match. Then another. " What ails these miserable matches ? " snapped 112 Celebrated the Fourth Mr. Wigglesworth, as he scratched yet another, which also burned itself out in harmless contact with the rocket. Mr. Wigglesworth flung it to the ground. " Ellery Wigglesworth ! " cried his wife from the verandah, "you ought to be ashamed to say such things, with all these people here ! " Mr. Wigglesworth mashed the rocket with a kick. " Now see if you will go up 1 " he said, grinding it into the lawn. Then he picked another rocket from the box and made a second attempt. " Ellery, " called Mrs. Wigglesworth with a tone of wisdom, " Mr. Wetherbee says you 're trying to light it at the wrong end. " Under the phosphorescence of the burning match the glaring countenance that Mr. Wigglesworth turned toward the verandah was positively awful. "Whose fireworks are these, I'd like to know?" he growled savagely. But when he put the next match to the rocket's under side it promptly spirted a stream of hot sparks on his trousers, and rising with a siren scream dashed itself with great violence against the neighboring house, painting a huge picture of misery on its pure white side. " Don't you send any more of those fireworks over here ! " screamed the woman next door, putting her head still farther out of the window. " You'll have to pay for this, and don't you think you won't 1 " "3 How Wigglesworth "Ellery," called Mrs. Wigglesworth, in the tone that women love to assume when correcting their husbands before company, "Mr Wetherbee says if you want him to he'll come down there and show you how." Mr. Wigglesworth at that moment was doing some- thing with a roman candle. He had been for some time holding a match to its reluctant fuse, and at last to encourage it had blown upon it vigorously, so that the fuse, in waking to sudden action, had singed off Mr. Wigglesworth's eyebrows and partially cooked the whole front of his face. Now he was hopping about the lawn in an eccentric way, trying to avoid the showering sparks, while the balls began to shoot out of the candle, the first one ploughing off the back hah* of the woman next door, who thereupon fetched such a scream that the window fell down on her, pinning her there with her body out in the night, and the second one setting fire to the minister's wife, who had come out for the first time of the season in a white lawn dress with patriotic red and blue ribbons all over it, and who promptly threw her arms about her husband with a yell that nearly ruptured the ear- drums of that kind-hearted gentleman. Then Mr. Wigglesworth's gyrations brought the showering candle into contact with the open box of fireworks and here the pen of the historian stumbles. The whole neighborhood was instantly lit up with a blaze of glory, through which appeared the revolving form of Mr. Wigglesworth in the guise of a pyrotech- Celebrated the Fourth nic Liberty enlightening the whole world. Huge sky rockets, that ordinarily would require some ingenuity to arouse into life, went off with instant precipitation, taking the skirts of Mr. Wiggles worth's coat with them. Roman candles of every conceivable color and price blew their contents into the air with drunken screams of mirth, while several miles of pin wheels, uncoiling themselves like the spring of a Waterbury watch, clustered in wreaths of fiery serpents about the proud exhibitor's form and furnished the minister with a realistic text on Sodom and Gomorrah. " My darling Ellery ! " screamed Mrs. Wiggles- worth, tottering forward when the smoke of conflict had rolled away. But the legs of his trousers were so chopped off to the knee, his hands were blistered so, an exploding mine had introduced such an amount of Greek fire into his face, and a playful giant cracker had carried away so large a quantity of his Prince Albert whiskers, that it is doubtful if even the Dodley twins could have recognized him. Chapter XII How Wiggles e worth Went Sailing " ' O-o-h-h, Ellery,' she moaned." Page 123. CHAPTER XII. Ho Wigglesworth Helped His Wife Receive f^" ~"^HE invitations to Mrs. Wigglesworth's afternoon reception had been out a week, the front parlor was becomingly set off with asparagus green and the brightness of autumn leaves, and it looked as if the thing was going to be one of the nicest social events of the season. "They'll begin coming at four o'clock," Mrs. Wigglesworth said at dinner, " and everything is ready but the ice cream. You'll have to send up a man for that." "I'd like to know what for?" said Mr. Wiggles- worth. "Why, to freeze it, of course," explained his wife. " It's awfully hard work turning the crank an hour." " Humph ! " grumbled Mr. Wigglesworth, who held a man's opinion concerning an afternoon function ; " seems to me you and that hired girl might find time to twist a galvanized iron crank around a few minutes without subjecting me to extra expense. Want to ruin me ? " " Ellery Wigglesworth," returned his wife severely, " do you think I'm going to put on my best dress and freeze ice cream while the first ladies in town are arriving every minute and having to be talked to ? " " B-a-a-h-h 1 " commented Mr. Wigglesworth ; "where 215 Ho e w Wigglesworth is this freezer! I'll show ye how to coin a dollar." Down in the cellar Mrs. Wigglesworth had made everything ready. There was the freezer, borrowed of a neighbor, duly filled with six quarts of liquid, and there were ice and salt and other things necessary. Mr. Wigglesworth loaded the salt and ice into the wooden cylinder and gave the crank a few preliminary revolutions. " Don't see anything the matter with this, do ye ? " he asked. " Don't know's you like to have a dollar saved. Rather make folks think ye'd spent a fortune, prob'ly." Merrily twirled the crank, while Mrs. Wigglesworth crowded in some more pounded ice. " Regular picnic, this is," said Mr. Wigglesworth, " side of the old churn I used to work when I was a boy. Mother used to keep me at it all the time. Said that one good churn deserves another he, he, he!" " What did she mean by that ? " Mrs. Wigglesworth innocently asked. " What did she mean by that ? " tartly retorted Mr. Wigglesworth, whose muscles began to feel it ; "what does anybody mean by anything? Can't ye under- stand a joke when it 's shown to ye ? " " I don't see any joke in your mother saying that one good churn deserves another," Mrs. Wigglesworth persisted. " If she had one churn I should think that would be nice, but how could it deserve " "Y-a-h-hl" said Mr. Wigglesworth, grinding sav- 216 Helped His Wife Receive agely away ; " what 's the use to try and have any fun with you ? You couldn 't see a joke if it was pasted on the end of the Lick telescope. Quit jamming in that ice ! " he shouted, as the machine went a trifle harder ; " want to stop the thing ? " " It ain't me," Mrs. Wigglesworth mildly rejoined ; " it 's the cream beginning to harden." - "Great lot you know about it ! " grumbled her hus- band, pausing to wipe the perspiration from his brow. Mrs. Wigglesworth said she must now go and "dress" and with a few encouraging words vanished up the stairs. Mr. Wigglesworth turned on, pausing now and then to mop off his forehead and mutter things to himself. Every man of a weak and yielding nature who has allowed himself once to be bound to the chariot wheels of the ice-cream freezer can recall with ghastly clearness how the lemon-colored mixture on the in- terior of the tin can, after reaching a certain degree of hardness, appears to be content to remain there. Round and round spun the handle, Mr. Wigglesworth pausing at intervals to gloomily contemplate the grow- ing blisters on the palms of his hands. Overhead he could hear the shuffling of feet as visitors arrived and went stiffly through the ceremonies of introduction. " Oh, Ellery," hoarsely wailed Mrs. Wigglesworth, rushing half-way down the stairs, " can't you hurry up? Everybody's coming and it's dreadful to give them only tea, and they looking around and wonder- 217 Wigglesworth ing what the table is for with dishes on it, and no ice- cream 1 " "What ye s'pose I care?" returned Mr. Wiggles- worth, wanting to yell, but forced to keep his voice under; "think I've got nothing to do but prance around here twisting a blamed old hand organ ? You go on back and shake hands with the rest of them rubberneck females, will ye, and let me alone I " " What is that singular rumbling noise ? " asked one of the guests, a little later. "I I don't hear anything," faltered Mrs. Wiggles- worth, forcing a distorted smile into her face. " I hear something," said another guest, a thin, little woman with an inquisitive tone. " Hark ! " The roomful of ladies congealed into silence. There was small need of Mrs. Wigglesworth's dissimulation. From beneath their feet, muffled by the carpeted floor, came a strange series of noises, the burr of machinery, it might be, punctuated by a grunting sound as of a railroad engine getting under way, and now and then a thud like a man falling out of a balloon and alight- ing on the roof of a Presbyterian church. " Burglars 1 " lucidly cried a fat woman in a red dress ; " they 're boring their way in through the cel- lar wall 1 " And she stood up in a chair. Then, just as everybody was turning pale and get- ting ready to talk all at once, the mixture which for two hours had gone on making Mr. Wigglesworth madder, suddenly went thick, and the dasher, revolv- ing slower, quickly exhausted his remaining strength. 218 Helped His Wife Receive " Gash flummux the old thing ! " he yelled, losing all regard for the society event overhead ; " what ails it now? " and he twitched the machine savagely across the cellar floor. " Why don't ye twist around here, same 's ye been doing since I tackled ye last spring ? " he bellowed, and he flung it against the granite wall. " Want to keep me here grinding this old crank till Christmas, don't ye?" and he knocked down one of the furnace pipes with it. " But I want ye to under- stand," he howled, in a finishing blaze of wrath, as the falling pipe struck his head and emptied a load of soot on him, " that I don't propose to spend my life in this cellar grinding out frozen porridge for a lot of females to spill all over a new spring carpet 1 " And grabbing an axe he stove in the freezer's metal- lic head. To his surprise he found the cream frozen beautifully. 219 Chapter XXIV Ho c w Wiggle&worth Learned to Solder " At that instant Imogene * * * suddenly opened the door with a snap that was imparted to the vertebrae of Mr. Wiggles- worth." Page 228. CHAPTER XXIV. How Wiggleswortb Learned to Solder ELLERY," said Mrs. Wigglesworth, as her husband was leaving the table, " I wish you'd take the tea kettle along with you." Mr. Wigglesworth stayed the tooth- pick halfway to his mouth, and gave utterance to a stare. "What would I be taking a tea kettle along with me for?" he asked coldly. "Think I'm going to have a five o'clock slander meeting at the office ? Reckon I'm a female sewing circle, don't ye ?" " I mean," explained his wife, " that you take it to the tin shop and have the handle mended. It's so loose that Imogene scalds her hand every time she touches it." "Well," retorted Mr. Wigglesworth, "she hadn't ought to touch her hand if that's the way it acts." Winking humorously at himself in the glass Mr. Wigglesworth set out for the office. Mrs. Wiggles- worth sighed, as women will. Also she wondered how many times more she would have to mention the kettle before her husband would get mad enough to take it along with him. Women who have husbands of their own can join Mrs. Wigglesworth in this speculation. "There!" said Mr. Wigglesworth, with an air of importance on coming home to dinner, " there's some- 223 Ho e w Wigglesworth thing that'll save us hundreds of dollars in the course of a year," and he laid a long, narrow pasteboard box on the table. " It's a soldering outfit," he explained, taking off the cover. " Here's the iron and the solder and the rosum, and the whole business." Mrs. Wiggleswooth clapped her hands. "O-o-o-o-h-h 1 " she screamed in a lengthened note of admiration, " won't that be ever so nice ! And you can mend the tea kettle, can't you, Ellery ? " " Of course I can," returned Mr. Wigglesworth in a comprehensive manner. " What ye s'pose I got it for to raise bread with? Think I'm going to set hens with it, don't ye ? " "I'm sure it will be ever so splendid," assented his wife as she served the gravy. " Only cost a dollar," pursued Mr. Wigglesworth, " and there's solder enough there to mend a cartload of things. I'll bet I'll save nine or ten dollars in mending this year. These tin knockers tuck the charges right to a fellow when they get a chance." "Of course they do," chimed in Mrs. Wiggles- worth. "The only way to be economical is to save in these directions. I remember that Uncle Horace, who had such long whiskers you remember, Ellery used to say that he had probably saved over two thousand dollars in his lifetime by not shaving." "H'm!" answered Mr. Wigglesworth, who wasn't interested in having his wife's relatives brought into his household economics, " seeing as he never had a 234 Learned to Solder cent while he lived, and then died poor, I don't see as that cuts any ice." "It's the principle of the thing that I look at," said Mrs. Wigglesworth, shaking her head. "Great lots you know about it," girded her hus- band. "They'll be hearing of you in Washington next, and telegraphing you to come on and superin- tend a bond issue. Where 's this kettle you 've been making such a fuss about? Why don't ye have it out here if you want it mended? " Sailing into the kitchen in his impulsive manner Mr. Wigglesworth saw the kettle on the stove and caught it up quickly in fact before his wife's word of caution could avail. It was a round, fat kettle, with a saucy little nose, and the loose handle pre- viously indicated, which, as it felt Mr. Wigglesworth's hasty grasp, gave vent to a low, sputtering laugh, and slipped out of its fastening. A hot spurt of water instantly unloaded upon Mr. Wigglesworth's knees. " Wow ! " yelled that gentleman, grabbing himself by the legs and limping about the kitchen ; "I'm scalt my leg's burnt to a crisp! What fool left that boiling water with such a handle as that on it?" " It's the way it has been for several weeks," ex- claimed Mrs. Wigglesworth, "Imogene has been burned twenty times." " What ye s'pose I care for your Imogenes ? " snorted Mr. Wigglesworth. " I'll bet five dollars she left it there on purpose to scald me." 225 H