UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES UNIVERSITY of CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES LIBRARY THE, DRAMATIC WORKS O F SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq ; TO WHICH IS PREFIXED A LIFE OF THE AUTHOR. In TWO VOLUMES. VOL. I. CONTAINING TASTE. tf The MAYOR of GARRAT. The ENGLISHMAN at PARIS. The ORATORS. The AUTHOR. The MINOR. The ENGLISH MAN returned The LYAR. from PARIS. AND The KNIGHTS, U The PATRON. LONDON: PRINTED FOR W. LOWNDES AN S. B L A D O N. Price bound Fifteen Shillings. -f 3 A { } ? r * J. D ;* U 6 "FT? THE V'l L I F E O F SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq. THIS ingenious comic writer was born at Truro in Cornwall, but at what period of time we cannot take upon ourfelves to fay. flis father, John Foote, was member of parliament for Tiverton in Devonfhire, and enjoyed the potts of commiffioner of the prize-office and fine- contra6l. His mother was heirefs of the Dinely and Goodere families. The dreadful confe- quence of the mifunderftanding between her two brothers, Sir John Dinely Goodere, bart. and Samuel Goodere, efq. captain of his majefty's fhip the Ruby, is well known ; on which a con- (iderable part of the Goodere eftate, which was better than fifty thoufand pounds per annum, defcended to Mr. Foote, her hufband. Our author was educated at Worceftcr col- lege, in the univerfity of Oxford, which owed its foundation to Sir Tkomas Cockcs Winford, Bart, a fecond coufin of our author. On his quitting the univerfity, he comnaenced ftudent B o/ 2 THE LIFE OF of law in the Temple ; but, as the dullnefs and gravity of this fludy did not fuit the volatile vivacity of his temper and genius, he foon quitted it. He married a young lady of a good family and fome fortune ; but, their tempers being very oppofite to each other, a perfeft harmony did not long fubfift between them. He now launched ijito all the fafhionable foibles of the age, gaming not excepted, and in a few years fpent his whole fortune. As he had long taken a difguft to the ftudy of the law, he was obliged to have recourfe to the ftage, and made his firil appearance in the character of Othello, but with no great fuccefs. He afterwards performed Fondlewife, in which he fucceeded much better ; and, indeed, it was one of his favourite chara&ers ever after. He Fiext attempted Lord Foppington, but he liflened to the advice of his friends, and prudently gave it up. As Mr. Foote was never a capital attor in the plays of others, his falary of courfe could not be equal to his gay and extravagant mode of living : he at laft contrafted ib many debts, that he was obliged to take refuge in the verge of the court, to fecure himfelf from the refentmont of his creditors. A very laughable flratagem'. at length relieved him from his neceflities. Si.r Francis Delaval had SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 3 had long been his intimate friend, and had dif- fjpated his fortune by fimilar extravagance. A rich lady, an intimate acquaintance of Foote, was fortunately at that time bent upon a matrimonial fcheme. Foote ftrongly recommended to her to confult, on this momentous affair, the conjuror ia the Old Bailey, whom he reprefented as a man of furiprfmg {kill and penetration. He employed an acquaintance of his own to perfonate the con- juror, who depicted Sir Francis Delaval at full length, defcribed the time when, the place where, and the drefs in which {he fhould fee him. The lady was fo (truck with the coincidence of every circumftance, that fhe married the knight in a few days after. For this fervice Sir Francis fettled an annuity upon Foote, which enabled him once more to appear upon the bufy ftage of life. Mr. Foote now affuming the double character of author and performer, in 1747 opened his Little Theatre in the Haymarket, with a dra- matic piece of his own writing, called The Diver- fions of the Morning. This piece confided of nothing more than the introduction of feveral well-known characters in real life, \vhofe man^ ner of converfation and expreffion our author had very happily hit off in the diclion of his drama, and (till more happily reprefented on the B 2 4 THE LIFE OF ftage, by an exa6l and moft amazing imitation, not only of the manner and tone of voice, but even of the very perfons, whom he intended to take off. Among thefe characters there was in particular a certain phyfician, who was much better known from the oddity and fingularity of his appear- ance and converfation, than from his eminence in the practice of his profeffion. The celebrated Chevalier Taylor, the oculift, who was at that time in the height of his vogue and popularity, was alfo another object, and indeed defervedly fo, of 'Mr. Foote's mimicry and ridicule. In the latter part of this piece, under the character of a theatrical director, our author took off, with great humour and accuracy, the federal ftiles of afting of every principal performer on the Eng- lifh ftage. Among thofe players, with whom Mr. Foote made free/ was the facetious Harry Woodward, who returned the compliment in a little piece, called Tit for Tat, of which the following was the beginning : " Cail'd forth to battle, fee poor I appear, " To try one fall with this fam'd auctioneer." In the very fame piece Mr. Woodward, in the character of Foote, fays, " But when I play'd Othello, thoufands fwore * { They never h\v fab tragedy before." The SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 5 The Diverfions of the Morning at firft met with fome little oppofition from the civil magiftrates of Weftminfter, under the fan&ion of the a& of parliament for limiting the number of play- houfes ; but our author being patronifed by many of the principal nobility and gentry, the oppofi- tion was over-ruled ; and, after altering the title to that of Giving Tea, he proceeded without farther moleftation, reprefenting it through a run of upwards of forty mornings to crowded and fplendid audiences. The enfuing feafon he produced another piece of the fame kind, which he called An AuBion of Pictures. In this he introduced new and popu- lar characters, all well known, particularly Sir Thomas de Veil, then the a&ingjuftice of peace for Weftminfter ; alfo Mr. Cock, the celebrated auciioneer, and the equally famous orator Hen- ley. This piece was alfo well received by the public. Notwithftanding the favourable reception thefe pieces met with, they have never yet appeared in print, nor would they perhaps give any great pleafure in the perufal; for, confiding princi- pally of characters, whofe peculiar fingularities could never be perfectly reprefented in black and white, they might probably appear flat and infipid, when divefted of the ftrong colourings which 6 THE LIFE OF which Mr. Foote had given them in his perfo- nal reprefentations. It may not be improper here to obferve, that he himfelf reprefented all the principal characters in fach piece, which flood in need of his mimic powers to execute, fhifting from one to the other with all the dex- terity of a Proteus, to the wonder and aftonifh- ment of his genteel and numerous auditors. However, he now proceeded to write pieces with more dramatic accuracy and regularity, his Knights being the produce of an enfuing feafon; yet in this alfo, though his plot and characters feemed lefs immediately perfonal, it was apparent, that he kept fome particular real perfonages ftrongly in his eye in the perform- ance, and the town took on themfelves to fix them where the refemblance appeared to be the moft finking. Mr. Foote continued from time to time to entertain the public, by fele&ing for their ufe fuch characters, as well general as individual, as feemed moft likely to contribute to the ex- citing our laughter, and befl anfwer the princi- pal end of dramatic writings of the comic kind, fuch as relax the mind from the fatigue of bufi- r\efs or anxiety. The SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 7 The following is a catalogue of his perform- ances. i. Tafte, a comedy of two afts, afted at Drury-Lane, 8vo. 1752. This piece and its profits were given by its author to Mr. Worfdale the painter, who acled the part of Lady Pen- fveazle in it with great applaufe. The general intention of it is, to point out the numerous im- pofitions that perfons of fortune and fafhion daily faffer in the purfuit of what is called tafte, or a love of Vertu, from the tricks and confede- racies of painters, auctioneers, medal dealers, &.c. and to fhew the abfurdity of placing an ineftimable value on, and giving immenfe prices for a parcel of maimed bufts, crazed pictures, and inexplicable coins, only becaufe they have the mere name and appearance of antiquity, while the more perfect and really valuable per- formances of the moft capital artifls of our own age and country, if known to be fuch, are totally defpifed and negle&ed, and the artitts themfelves fufFered to pafs through life unnoticed and dif- couraged. Thefe points our author has in this farce fet forth in a very juft, and at the fame time in a very humorous light; but whether the gene- rality of the audience did not relifli, or perhaps did not underftand this reiined fatire, or that, underftanding it ? they were fo wedded to the infatuation 8 THE LIFE OF' infatuation of being impofed upon, that they were unwilling to fubfcribe to the juftice of it,, are points we cannot determine ; but it met with fome oppofition for a night or two, and during the whole run of it, which was not a long one, it found at beft but a cold and dif- tafteful reception. 2. The Englifn man in Paris, a comedy of two afts, 8vo. 1753, performed at Covent- Garden theatre. This piece met with great fuccefs ; its iirft appearance was for Macklin's benefit, when that performer afted the part of Buck, and Mifs Macklin Lucinda, which feemed written entirely, to give her an opportunity of difplay- ing her various qualifications of mufic, finging, and dancing, in all which fhe obtained univerfal applaufe. The author himfelf afterwards re- peatedly performed the part of Buck ; yet it is difficult to fay, which of the two did the cha- racter the greateit juftice. This piece feems defigned to expofe the abfurdity of fending our youth abroad, to catch the vices and follies of our neigbouring nations ; yet there is fomewhat of an inconfiftency in the portrait of the Eng- IHhinan, that fcarcely renders the execution anfwerable to the intention. This little comedy was imagined to be a-burlcfqueon M. de BoinVs Franpis a Londres.. On a cqmparifon. however. there SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 9 there does not appear to be the flighted re- femblance. 3. The Knights, a comedy of two afts, 8vo. 1 754- This piece made its firft appearance at the Little Theatre in the Haymarket, about the year 1747, and at that time terminated with a droll concert of vocal mufic between two cats, in burlefque of the Italian comic operas. As this, however, was only temporary, the author, to adapt it more properly to dramatic tafte, and render it a more perfect farce, has wound up a conclufion for it, which however, even as it now flands, is fcarcely fo conclufive or fo natural as it could be wifhed ; but this fault is amply made amends for by its poffefling, in the higheft degree, a much more eflential excellence of comedy, Avhich is great ftrength of character, and the moft accurate and lively colouring of nature. His two knights. Sir Penurious Trifle, and Sir Gregory Ga- zette, the firft of which has the ftrongeft paffion for perpetually entertaining his friends with a parcel of ftale, trite, infignificant (lories, and the latter, who is pofTeffed with a moft infatiable thirft for news, without even capacity fufficient to com- prehend the full meaning of the moft familiar paragraph in a public journal, are very ftrongly painted. The firft of them received additional life from the admirable execution of the author C in io THE L I FE OF in his reprefentation of the character, in which indeed it has been reported, that he mimicked the manners of a certain gentleman in the weft of England ; and the other feems to have af- forded a hint to Mr. Murphy in his Upholfterer, to expatiate ftill more largely on this extravagant and abfurd kind of folly. His other characters Tim and Mifs Suck, with the fcene of court- fhip introduced between them, though not ab- folutely new in the firft conception, yet are managed after a new manner, and always give great entertainment in their reprefentation. It was afterwards acied at Drury-Lane. 4. The Englifhman returned from Paris, a comedy of two ads, 8vp. 1756. Aied at Covent- Garden. This is a fequel to The Englifh- man in Paris, wherein the Englifhman, who be- fore was a brute, is now become a coxcomb ; from being abfurdly averfe to every thing foreign, he is grown into a deteftation of every thing domeftic ; and rejects the very woman, now poflefled of every advantage, whom he be- fore was rufhing headlong into marriage with, when deilitute of any. This piece is much more dramatic and complete than the other, and has a greater variety of characlers in it, two more efpecially, Crab and Macruthen, which are finely drawn ; but the circumllance of the catailrophe SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 11 cataftrophe being brought about by Lucinda's pretending to have poifoned Sir John Buck in a difh of tea, is taken from Mrs. Centlivre's Artifice. 5. The. Author, a comedy of two als, 8vo. J 1757. Acled at Drury-Lane. This piece was written only for the fake of affording to the writer of it an opportunity of exerting his talents of mimickry, at the expence of a gentleman of family and fortune, Mr. Aprice, whofe parti- cularities of character, although entirely inof- fenfive, were rendered the butt of public ridicule in the part of Cadwallader. The eager fond- nefs which the world ever fhew to perfonal flander, added to the inimitable humour of this writer and performer in the reprefentation, for fome time, brought crowded houfes to it ; till ar length the refemblance appearing too flrong, and the ridicule too pungent, not to be feen and felt by the gentleman thus pointed out, occa- fioned an application for the fuppreffion of the piece, which was therefore forbidden to be any more performed. 6. The Diverfions of the Morning, a farce, a$ed at Drury-Lane in 1768, but not printed. This was partly compiled from Tajle and Mr. Whitehead's fatal Conjlancy. C 2 7. Th* 12 THE LIFE OF 7. The Minor, a comedy of three als, 8vo. 1760. This piece was firft reprefented in the fummer feafon, at the Little Theatre in the Haymarkct ; and though it was performed by an entirely young and unexperienced company, it brought full houfes for thirty-eight nights in that time of the year. As the principal merit of all our anthor's writings contifts in the draw- ing o peculiar characters well known in real life, which he heightened by his own manner of per- fonating the originals on the ftage, it will be neceffary to inform pofterity, that in the cha- racters of Mrs. Cole and Mr. Smirk, the author reprefented thofe of the celebrated Mother Douglas, and Mr. Langford, the auctioneer ; and that in the conclufion, or rather epilogue to the piece, fpoken by Shift, which the author performed together with the other two charaBera, he took off, to a great degree of exa&nefs, the manner and even perfon of that noted preacher, and chief of the Methodifts, Mr. George White- field. Indeed, fo happy was the fuccefs of this piece, in one refpecl, that it feemed more effec- tually to open our eyes, thofe of the populace efpecially, in regard to the abfurdities of that fet of enthufiafts, than all the more ferious writings that had ever been publifhed againfl them. 8. The SAMUEL FOOTE. ESQ. 13 8, The Lyar, a comedy of three afts, 8vo. 1764. This comedy was originally intended to have been performed during the lummer partnerfhip between Mr. Murphy and the author ; but the run of thofe pieces they had before brought on, and the unexpected neceffity of playing the Wijlies, having exhaufted the time limitted for their reprefentation, this was obliged to be de- ferred till the enfuing winter, when it was repre- fented, for the firft time, at the theatre in Co-* vent-Garden. Its fuccefs was very indifferent; and indeed it muft be confeffed, that it was in itfelf far from equal to the generality of our author's works. Though there were here and there fome ftrokes of humour in it, which were not unworthy of their author, and fome few touches of temporary fatire, yet the character of the Lyar had certainly neither native origi- nality enough in it to pleafe as a novelty, nor additional beauties fufficient either in his drefs or demeanour, to excite a frefh attention to him as a new acquaintance. In fhort, on the whole., it was rather tedious and unentertaining, having neither enough of the vis comica to keep up the attention of an audience through fo many acts as a farce, nor a fufficiency of incident and fcn- timent to engage their hearts, if confidered under the denomination of a comedy, yet it has iince been often afled as a farce. C 3 9. The 14 THE LIFE OF 9. The Orators, a comedy of three als, 8vo. 1762. This piece,, which met with very good fuccefs, was performed at the Little Theatre in the Haymarket, in the middle of the day, during fome part of the fummer of 1762. Our author has thrown into the defign of this piece a great variety of characters, fome of which have been fuppofed to be drawn from real life, particularly one of a late printer of Ireland, who, with all the difadvantages of age, pcrfon, and addrefs, and even the deficiency of a leg, was perpetually giving himfelf airs of the greateft importance, continually repeating ftories of his wit, and boaft- ing of being a favourite of the fair fex. Such a character is furely a genuine objet of ridicule, and the ftage feems to demand it as a facrifice at the flirine of common fenfe. 10. The Mayor of Garrat, a comedy of two afts, performed at the theatre in the Haymarket in 1763, and printed in 8vo. in 1769. In this very humorous and entertaining piece, the cha- rafter of Major Sturgeon, a city militia officer, is entirely new, highly wrought up, and was performed in a moft capital ftile by Mr. Foote himfelf. 1 1 . The Patron, a comedy of three ats, per- formed at the Haymarket in 1764. The hint is borrowed SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 15 borrowed from one of Marmontel's Tales. The character of the Patron, faid to be Lord Mel- combe, is that of a fuperficial pretender to wit and learning, who, being a man of fafhion and fortune, affords his countenance and protection to a fet of contemptible writings, for the fake of the incenfe offered by them to his vanity. The character of a mere antiquarian, a favourite ob- ject of ridicule with Mr. Foote, is here intro- duced with great pleafantry, Mr. Ruft having fallen in love with a fine young lady, becaufe he thought the tip of her ear refembled the Princefs Popoea. Sir Peter Pepperpot, a rich Weft India merchant, comes in likewife, with his account of barbecues and turtle feafls ; and amiferable poet, with a low Moorfields bookfeller, ferve to com- plete the entertainment. 12. The Commiffhiy, a comedy, a&ed with great fuccefs, at the Haymarket in 1765. Among other real characters drawn from life, the late celebrated Dr. Arne was ridiculed in this comedy. 13. Prelude on opening the Theatre, 1767. 14. The Devil upon two Sticks, a comedy, afted at the Haymarket in 1768, printed in 8vo. in 1778. This was one of the moft fuccefsful of our author's performances; but though it abounds with wit, humour, and fatire of the moft pleifant C 4 aad 16 THE LIFE OF and inoffenfive kind, yet it feems to have loft its exigence with its parent. 15. The Lame lover, a comedy, acled at the JIaymarket in 1770. Though this piece Was by uo means inferior to any other of his writing, yet it did not meet with the deferved fuccefs. Sir Luke Limp, the Serjeant, and his fon, are admirably drawn characters. 16. The Maid cf Bath, a comedy, a&ed at the Hayrnarket in 1771, and printed in 8vo. in 1778. The ground-work of this very interefting per- formance is taken from a tranfaclion which happened at Bath, in which a perfon of for- tune was faid to have treated a young lady celebrated for her mufical talents in a very un- generous manner. The delinquent is here helcj up to ridicule under the name of Hint, and it will be difficult to point out a character drawn with more truth and accuracy than this, efpe- cially in the fecond at. The parts of Lady Ca- therine Coldftream, Sir Chriftopher Cripple, and Billy Button, are all highly finilhed, and render this piece one of the rnoft pleafmg of all our author wrote. 1 7. The Nabob, a comedy, a&ed at the Hay- market in 1772, and printed in 8vo. in 1778. This piece is a fevere fatire on the greater part of SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 17 of thofe gentlemen who have acquired wealth in t4oe Eaft Indies. At the time this play was pro- duced, a general odium had been excited againft the members of the Eaft India company, which was kept alive by every art that virulence and party could fuggeft. Mr. Foote, ever attentive to avail himfelf of popular fubjects, feized the prefent occafion to entertain the town at the ex- expence of fome individuals. The character of Sir Matthew Mite was intended for a gentleman who had rifen from the low fituation of a cheefe- 1 8. Piety in Pattens, a farce, afted at the theatre in the Haymarket in 1773 ; but never printed. 19. The Bankrupt, aled at the Haymarket in 1776. This piece, like moft others written by our author, contains little elfe than detached fcenes without any plot. It exhibits, however, fome ftrong delineations of character, and is by no means a bad performance. 20. The Cozeners, a comedy of three afts, acted at the Haymarket in 1774, and printed in 8vo. in 1778. The character of Simony in this piece was deligned as a vehicle for fatire on the late Dr. Dodd. It may be obferved, as fome apology for pur author's ftage ridicule, that he rarely pointed i8 THE LIFE OF pointed it at any perfons who met with public refpeft, or deferved to meet with it. 21 . The Capuchin, a comedy, afted at the Hay- market in 1776, and printed in 8vo. in 1778. 22. A Trip to Calais,, a comedy, intended for reprefentation in 1776, at the Haymarket; but containing a characler defigned for a lady of quality, me had intereft enough to prevent its obtaining a licence. ' Mr. Foote, after having written thefe pieces, fuffered his name to be put to a work, entitled, The Comic Theatre, in five volumes, I2mo. being a tranflation of a number of French co- medies. Of thefe, however, we are affured, the iirfl only, The Young Hypocrite, is to be at- tributed to him. ^11 Mr. Foote's works are to be ranked only among the petites pieces of the theatre. In the execution they are fomewhat loofe, negligent, and unfinifhed; the plans are often irregular, and the cataflrophes not always cOnclufive ; but, with all thefe deficiencies, they contain more flrength of character, more flrokcs of keen fatire, and more touches of temporary humour, than are to be found in the writings of any other mo- tfern dramatifl. Even the language fpoken by his SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 19 his characters, incorrect as it may fometimes appear, will, on a clofe examination, be found entirely dramatical, as it abounds with thofe natural minutiae of expreflion, which frequently form the very bafis of character, and which ren- der it the trueft mirror of the converfation of the times in which he wrote and publifhed them. Being on a party of pleafure, in the year 1766, with the late Duke of York, Lord Mexborough, and Sir Francis Delaval, Mr. Foote had the mif- fortune to break his leg, by a fall from his horfe, in confequence of which he was obliged to un- dergo an amputation. This accident fo fenfibly affefted the Duke, that he made a point of obtaining for Mr. Foote a patent for life, whereby he was allowed to perform, at the Little Theatre in the Haymarket, from the 15th of May to the i^th of September every year. Our author now became a greater favourite of the town than ever ; his very laughable pieces, with his more laughable performances, conftantly filled his houfe. and his receipts were fome fea- fons aimed incredible. Parfimony was jiever a vice to be afcribed to Mr. Foote; his hpfpitality and generofity were ever confpicuous ; he was vifited by the firft nobility, and he was fome- times honoured even by royal guefts. In &b THE LIFE OF In 1766, the Duchefs of K , who hat! 'long been a general topic of. converfation, our wit thought would furnifh a good fubjecl; for a three-a6l piece ; he fet about it, and during the time of writing it, often mentioned it to his friends, to fome of whom he read the chaar&er of Lady Kitty Crocodile, which was intended for her grace. We are told, that the fatire was highly feafoned, and the play one of the beft he ever wrote. Her grace hearing of her being in- tended as a principal chara&er in Foote's piece preparing for reprefentation, applied by her friends to the Lord Chamberlain ; and when the play came before his lordfhip for his approba- tion, it was critically fcanned, and a permiffion refufed. Mr. Foote, however, certain that no objection could be laid- to it on her grace's part, lent her the^ manufcript to read ; but me was in- exorable. Upon this, a paper war commenced between her grace and the wit, to the no final 1 entertainment of the town. The attack made upon his charaBer by one of his domeftics, whom he had difmiffed for his mifbehaviour, is too well known to need being mentioned here. It may be fufficiejit to fay he was honourably acquitted of that charge. It is, how- ever, believed by fomc, that the mock he re- ceived from it accelerated his death, particularly SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 21 the very aclive part the agents of a certain du- chefs took in that criminal profecution. It is more probable, that his natural volatility of fpirits would fupport him againft all imprefiions from attacks of that nature. Our author, finding his health decline, en- tered into an agreement with Mr. Col man for his patent of the theatre, according to which he was to receive from that gentleman 1600!. per annum, befides a ftipulated fum whenever Jie chofe to perform. Mr. Foote, afterwards made his appearance in two or three of his moft admired characters ; but being fuddenly feized with a pa- ralytic ftroke one night whilft upon the ftage, he was compelled to retire, and from that time the public loft their juftly-admired Ariftophanes. He was advifed to bathe, and accordingly went down to Brighthelrnftone, where he feemed to recover his former health and fpirits. A few weeks before his death he returned to London ; but, with the advice of his phyficians, fet out with an intention to fpend the winter at Paris, and in the fouth of France. He had got no farther than Dover, when he was fuddenly attacked by another ftroke of the palfy, which in a few hours terminated his exiftence. He 'died on the 2ift of October, 1777, about the 56th year 22 THELIFEOF year of his age, and was privately interred in the cloiflers of Weftminfler-abbey. He left a natu- ral fon, a minor, to whom he bequeathed moft of his fortune. We have very good authority for faying, that the day on which Mr. Foote fet out for Dover, about an hour before he went into his chaife, he walked into every room in his houfe, and ex- amined, with an accuracy not ufual to him, every article of furniture he had, but more par- ticularly his pictures, of which he had a large and elegant collection. When he came to the por- trait of Wefton, he made a full (lop, as if by fome fecret impulfe, and rivetted his eyes upon the countenance of his old acquaintance for above ten minutes, without uttering a fyllable. Then turning away, with a tear in his eye, he exclaimed, " Poor Wefton." But the words had fcarce dropped from his lips, when, with a tone as it were of reproach for his feeming fecurity, he repeated, " Poor Wefton! It will be very " Ihortly, Poor Foote, or the t intelligence of " my fpirits deceive me- !" As a private man, Mr. Foote was fmcere, ge- nerous, and humane. As no man ever contri- buted more to the entertainment of the public, fo no man oftener made the minds of his com- panions SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 23 panions expand with mirth and good humour; and, in the company of men of high rank and fuperior fortune, who courted his acquaintance, he always preferved ant eafy and noble indepen- dency. That he had his foibles and caprices, no one will pretend to deny; but they were amply counterbalanced by his merit and abilities, which will tranfmit his name to pofterity with diftinguifhed reputation. There are in print many fmart fayings and repartees attributed to Mr. Foote ; but, as we cannot vouch, for their authority, we mall not infert them here. The two following lines are among the verfes that have been written on his death : FOOTE from his earthly ftage, alas! ishurl'd; Death took him off, who took off all the world. fTtHV entilf , ^ JU.no lucina >fs///e .Apollo of Deljxhos . ^Afe fercurius Infernals . \ TASTE A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS: PERFORMED ATTHC THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY-LANE WRITTEN 6V THE LATE S4MUEL FOOTE y Efq. Be rich in ancient Brafs, tho not in Gold, And keep his Lares, tho' his Houfe be- fold} To heedlefs Phoebe his fair Bride poftpone, Honour a Syrian Prince above his own ; Lord of an Otho, If I vouch it true* Bleft in one Niger, till he knows ot two. LONDON: Printed for W. LOWNDES, J. BAJiKfi 1799. Price One Stilling, T O Francis Ddaval, Efq, S I R, WHEN I corifider the long Intimacy that has fubfifted betwixt us, the ob- ligations I owe to your generous, dif- interefted Friendship, and the Protection and Encouagement I received both from you and your Brother, when Neceflity lifted me in the Service of the Public j there is no Man to whom with equal Propriety and Pleafure I can addrefs the following Work. It would be pay- ing a bad Compliment to the Town, where I to trouble you with an Apology for the In- coniiderablenefs of the prefent. I thought it worthy their Attention, and confequently not beneath the Accptance of my Friend. With the Aid of a Love-plot I could have fpun out the Piece to the extent of Five Acts ; but be fides that I wanted to confine the Eye to the fingle object of my Satire, I declare myfelf a A 3 Rebel vi DEDICATION. Rebel to this univerfal Tyrant, who, not con- tented with exciting all that is pitiful or terri- ble in human Nature, has claimed the privi- lege of occafioning every thing that is ridicu- lous or contemptible in it ; and thus, from the abject Submiffionof our dramatic Poets, is both Tragedy and Comedy fubjected to the Power of Love. It may be thought prefumptuous in me to have dignified fo ihort a Performance with the Name of a Comedy 5 but when my Reafons why it cannot be called a Farce are confidered, the Critics muft indulge me with the Ufe of that Title ; at leaft till they can furnifh me with a better. As the Follies and Abfurdities of Men are the fole Objects of Comedy, fo the Powers of the Imagination (Plot and Incident excepted) are in this Kind of Writing greatly reftrained. No unnatural Aflemblages, no Creatures of the Fancy, can procure the Protection of the Comic Mufe ; Men and Things muft appear as they arc. It is employed either in debating lofty Sub- jects, or in railing humble Ones. Of the two Kinds we have Examples in the TomThumb of Mr. F , and a Traveftie of the U/v/es, where Penelope keeps an Ale-houfe, Telema- chus is a Tapfter, and the Heroe a Recruiting Serjeant. In both thefe Inftances you fee Nature is reverfed -, but as I flatter myfelf in the following Sheets her Steps have been trod with DEDICATION. vii with an undeviating Simplicity, give me leave to hope, that though I have not attained the Togafa, yet I have reached the ^labernana of the Romans. I once intended to have thrown into this Addrefs, the Contents of many of our Converfations on the Subject of Comedy j for in whatever Diflipations the World may fup- pofe our Days to have been confumed, many, many Hours have been confecrated to other Subjects than generally employ the Gay and the Giddy. I hope the prefent Occafton will dcmonftrate, that plcafure has not been always my Purfuit ; and unlefs I am greatly miftaken, it will foon be difcovered, that, joined to the acknowledged beft Heart in the World, Mr. Delaval has a Head capable of directing it. As I am now above the reach of common Obligations, an Acknowledgement of thefc Qualities, in the Perfon of a Man who has honoured me with his Friendmip, is the fql$ Caufe of the Trouble you now receive. Long has been our Union, may it never be divided till the fatal Stroke, that demoli/hes all fub- lunary Connections, fhall reach One of us, which One will, I hope, be Tour obliged^ and affeftionate Servant^ SAMUEL FOOTE. P R E F A C E. T Was always apprehenjive that the Subject * of the following Piece was too abfiratted and fingular for the Comprehenjlon of a mixd Affembly. Juno, Lucina, Jupiter, Tonans, Phidias, Praxiteles, with the other Gentlemen and Ladies of Antiquity, were, I dare fay, ut- terly unknown to my very good Friends of the Gallery ; nor, to fpeak the Truth, do I believe thf.y had many Acquaintances in the other Parts of the Houfe. But tho I defpair of gratifying the Populum Tributim of the THEATRE,^ 1 flatter myfdfthe Primores Populi will find me no difagreeable Companion in the Clofet y t fatis magnum Theatrum mihi eftis. / was neither prompted by a lucrative, nor an ambitious Motive to this Undertaking. My Defign was fojerve a Man, who had ever great Merit with his Friends, and to whom, on the Score cffome late Transactions, I think the. Pub- lic vajlly indebted. That my good Intentions for Mr. WORSDALE have proved 'fucceJT- ful, is entirely owing ti the Generoftty and Huminiiy of the Managers of Drury-Lane THEATRSS they have given him a Benejif, and PREFACE. ix end are jointly entitled to my Thanks ; but as to Mr. GARRICK, / haw more perfonal Ob- ligations. I take this Opportunity of ajjuring him, that I' flail ever retain the moft grateful Remembrance of his ^ffi/lance, djfiduily, and kind Concerns, at the Birth , Pogrefs, and un- timely End of this my laft and favourite off- Spring. *Tbe Objefft of my Satire were fuch as I thought, whether they were conjidered in a mo- ral, a political, or a ridiculous Light, deferred the Notice of the Comic Mufe. I was deter- mined to brand thofe Goths in Science, who had projlituted the ufeful Study of Antiquity to tri- fling Juperjicial Purpofes ; who had blafted the Progrefs of the elegant Arts amongft us, by unpardonable Frauds and abfurd Prejudices ; and who had corrupted the Minds and Morals vf our Youth, by perfuading them, that what only ferves to illujlrate Literature was true Learning, and active Idlenefs real Bufinefs. How far this End has been obtained, is now, in the following Sheets, more generally fubmitted to the Public. B PROLOGUE. PROLOGUE. . Written by Mr. G A R R I C K, And fpoken by him in the Charader of an Auctioneer. T)EFOREthisCourt,I PETER *-^ A Briton born, and bred an Auctioneer $ Who for myfelf, and eke a hundred others, My ufefuly honeft, learned bawling Brothers t With much Humility and Fear implore ye, To toy our pre/entdefp' rate Cafe before ye.-* . 'Tisf aid this Night a certain Wag intends To laugh at us, our Calling , and our Friends; If Lords and Ladies, andjuch dainty Folks, Are cur* d of Auction-hunting by his yokes ! Should this odd DocJrine Jpread throughout the Land, Bef6re you buy, be fure to underftand. Oh ! think on us inbat vane-its Ills will flow, When great Ones only pur chafe what thckno.iv, Why laugh at TAST E? It is a barmlefs FaJJjion, And quite jubdues each detrimental PaJJion ; The Fair Ones Hearts will ne'er incline to Man* While thus they rage for China and 'Japan. The Virtuofo, foo t and Connoifleur, Are ever decent^ delicate 9 and pure ; Tbejm^llejl Hair their hoftrf hough ts might hold^ P R O L O G U E. xi iv arm whenjingh, and when married cold: Their Blood at Sight of Beauty gently flows ; Their Venus mujl be old, and want a Nofe! No amrous Paffion with deep Knowledge thrives*, 'Tisthe Complaint, indeed, of all out" Wives-! Tis faid Virtu tofuch a height is grown. All Artifts are encouragd -but our own. Be not deceived, I here declare on Oath, I never yet fold Goods of foreign growth : Ne'er fent Commiffions out to Greece or Rome ; My be ft Antiquities are made at Home. I've Romans, Greeks, Italians near at hand, 'True Britons all and living in the Strand. I ne'er for Trinkets rack my Pericranium, TheyfurniJJ} out my Room from Herculaneum. But hujh Should it be known that Englifti are employ* d t Our Manufacture is at once .deftroyd ; A r matter what our Countrymen deferve 9 'They' II thrive as Ancients, but as Moderns Jlarve If we Jhould fall to you it will be owing; Farewell to Arts they're going, going, going; The fatal Hammer s in your Hand, oh Town! Thenfet Us up and knock the POET down* .5 * Dramatic Dramatis Perfbnse. Carmine, Puff, Brufh, Novice, L ord Dupe. Alderman Pentweazle, Caleb, Boy, Lady Pentweazle, Mr. Palmer. Mr. Yatcs, Mr. Crofi. Mr, Blake. Mr. Shuter. Mr. TafwelL Mr. Coftollo. Mafier Crofs. Mr. Worfdale, TASTE. A COMEDY. A C T I. SCENE I. A Painting Rym. Enter CARMINE, followed by the Boyl CARMINE.JL/AY thefe Colours in the Window, by the Pallet. Any Vifitors or Mefiages ? Boy. 'Squire Felltree has been here, and infifts upon Mifs Racket's Pictures being immediately finifh'd, and carry 'd Home As to his Wife and Children, he fays, you may take your own Time. Carm. Wfell Boy. Here has been a Meflage too, from my Lady Pen I can't remember her Name^but 'tis upon the Slate. She defires to know if you will be at Home about Nooii. Carm. Fetch it. (Exit+Boy. Was the Whole of our Profeflion confined to the mere Bufinefs of it, the Employment would be. as well as profitable 5 but as matters are now fe TASTE. now managed, the Art is the laft Thing to be re- garded. Family Connections, private Recommen- dations, and an eafy, genteel Method of Flattering, is to fupply the Delicacy of a Guido, the colouring of a Rubens, and the Defign of a Raphael all their Qualities centring in one Man, without the firft Requifites, would be ufelefs ; and with thefe, one of them is necefiary. Enter Boy with the Slate. Carm. Let's fee Oh ! Lady Pentweazel from Blowbladder-ftreet Admit her by all Means j and if Puff or Vurnijh mould come, I am at home. (Exit Boy. Lady Pentweazd! ha! ha! Now here's a Proof that Avarice is not the only, or laft Paffion old Age is fubjeft to this fuperannuated Beldame gapee for Flattery, like a Neft of unfledged Crows for Food i and with them, too, gulps down every Thing that's offer'd her no Matter how coarfe well, me fhall be fed ; I'll make her my introduc- tory Key to the whole Bench of Aldermen. Enter Boy witb Puff. ie>-. Mr. Puff, Sir. Carm. Let us be private. What have you there? Pitff. Two of Rtmbrandt's Etching by Strafe, In May's Buildings ; a paltry Affair, a Poor Ten Guinea Job ; however, a fmall game' you know the Proverb What became of you Yeftcrday ? Carm. I was detained by Sir Pofitive. Bubble. How went the Pictures ? The Guido> what did that fetch ? Tuff. TASTE. 3 Puff. One Hundred and Thirty. Carm. Hum ! Four Guineas the Frame, Three the Painting ; then we divide juft One Hundred And Twenty -three. Pu/. Hold not altogether fo faft ^Var* fiijh had Two Pieces for bidding againft Squander ; and Britjh Five for bringing Sir Tawdry trifle. Carm. Mighty well; look ye, Mn Puff, if thefe people are eternally quarter'd upon us, I de- clare off, Sin they eat up the Profit. There's thatdamn'd Brujh but you'll find him out. .1 have upon his old Plan given him Copies of all tire Work I executed upon his Recommendation ; and what was the Confequence ? He clandestinely fold the Copies, and I have all the Originals in my Lumber-Room. Puff. Come, come, Carmine, you are no great Lofer by that. Ah! that Lumber- Room! that Lumber*- Room out of repair, is the bed condition- ed Eftate in the County of Middlefex. Why now there's your Sufannah -, it could not have produced you above Twenty at moft, and by the Addition of your Lumber Room Dirt, and the falutary Appli- cation of the S pal tarn Pot, it became a Guido, worth a Hundred and Thirty Pounds ; befides, in all Traffic of this Kind, there muft t?e Combina- tions. Varnifo and Brujh are our Jackalls, and it is buc fair they mould partake of the Prey. Courage, my Boy ! never fear ! Praife be to Folly and fafhion, there are, in this Town, Dupes enough. to gratify the Avarice of us all. Carm. Mr. Puff, you are ignorant and ScurriU lous, and very impertinent Mr. fuff* arid Mr. Puffl I have a ftrange Mind to leave you to yourfelves, and 4 TASTE. and then fee what a Hand you would make of it - Sir, if I do now and then add fome Tindls of An- tiquity to my Pictures, I do ic in Condefcenfion to theFoible of the World; for, Sir, Age, Age, Sir, is all my Pidures want to render 'em as good Pieces as the M afters from whom they are taken j and let me tell you Sir, he that took my Sufannah for a Cuidoj gave no mighty Proofs of his Ignorance, Mr. Puff. Puff. Why, thou Poft-painterj thou Dauber* thou execrable White-wamer, thou Sirrah, have you fo Toon forgot the wretched State from whence I dragg'd you. The firft Time I fet eyes on you, Rafcal ! what was your Occupation then ? Scrib- bling, in fcarce legible Letters, Coffee, Tea, and Chocolate on a Bawdy-houfe Window in Goodman's Fields. Carm. The Meannefs of my Original demon- ftrates the greatnefs of my Genius. Puff Genius ! Here's a Dog. Pray, how high did your Genius foar ? To the daubing diabolical Angels for Alehoufes, Dogs with Chains for Tan- ner's Yards, Rounds of Beef and roafted Pigs for Porridge Ifland. Carm. Hanibal Scratchi did the fame. Puff. From that contemptible State did not I raife you to the Cat and Fiddle in Petticoat-lane; the Goofe and Gridiron in Paul's Church-yard; the firft live Things you ever drew, Dog ? Carm. Pox take youc Memory. Well, but* Mr. Puff you are fo Puff. Nor did I quit you then : Who Sirrah, re- commended you to Prim Stiff, the Mercer upon Lud- i how came you to paint the ^ueen there? (Loud Knocks at the Door* TASTE. 5 Carm. Mr. Pufl for Heaven's fake ! dear Sir, you arc fo warm, we lhall be blown . Enter Boy. Boy. Sir, my Lady Pen- Carm. Send her co the Show her up Staks* Dear Pujf Puff. Oh ! Sir, I can be .calm ; I only wanted to Jet you ice I had not forgot, though perhaps you may. Carm. Sir, you are very obliging. Well, but now as all is over, if you will retreat a fmall Time Lady Ptntweazel fits for her Picture, and flic's Puff. I have fome Bufinefs at next Door; I fuppoie in half an Hour's Time- Carm. I fhall be at Leifure. Dear Puff- Puff. Dear Carmine (Exit Puf Carm. Son of a Whore Boy, fhew the Lady up Stairs. Enter Lady Pentweazel. Lady* Fine Pieces! very likely Pieces! and, indeed, all alike. Hum! Lady Fujfock and, ha! ha ! ha ! Lady Gluwjlead, by all that's ugly Pray now, Mr. Carmine^ ripw do you Limners contrive to overlook the UgH.nefs, and preferve the Likenefs ? Carm. Tiie Art, Madam, may be convey'd in two words; where nature has been fevere, we foftenj where (lie has been kind, we aggravate. Lady. Very ingenus> and very kind, truly. Well, good Sir, I bring you a Subject that will demand the whole of the firft Part of your Skill j and if you arc at Leifure, you may begin directly. Carat* 6 TASTE. Carm. Your Ladyfhip is here a little ungrateful to Nature, and cruel to yourfelf ; even Lady Pent" wea-zel's Enemies (if fuch there be) muft allow Ihe is a fine Woman. Lady* Oh ! your Servant, good Sir. Why I have had my Day, Mr. Carmine -, I have had my Day. Carm. And have (till, Madam. Trie only Dif- ference I (hall make between what you were, and what you are, will be no more than what Rubens has diftinguifhed between Mary de Medicis, a Vir- gin and a Regent. Lady. Mr. Carmine> I vow you are a very judi- cious Perfon. I was always faid to be like that Family. When my Piece ^was firft done, the Lim- ner did me after Venus de Medicis, which I fuppofe might be one of Mary's Sifters ; but Things muft change j to be fitting for my Picture at this Time of Day j ha ! ha ! but my Daughter Sukey> you muft know, is juft married to Mr. Deputy Dripping of Candlewick-Wardy and would not be faid nay ; fo it is not fo much for the Beauty as the Similitude. Ha! ha! Carm. True, Madam ; ha] ha ! but if I hit the Likcnefs, I muft prefer ve the Beauty, Will your Ladyfnip be feated ? (She fits. Lady. I have heard, good Sir, that eveiy Body has a more bctterer and more worferer Side of the Face than the other now which will you chufe ? Carm. The Right Side, Madam the Left now, if you pleafe, the Full Yo.ir Lady (hip's Countenance is fo exactly proportion'd, that i muft have it all j no Feature can be ipared I Lady. TASTE. 7 Lady. When you come to the Eyes, Mr. Car- mine, let me know, that I may call up a Look. Carm. Mighty well, Madam Your Face a little nearer to the Left, nearer me yonr Head" more up Shoulders back and Cheft forward. Lady. Blcfs me, Mr. Carmine, don't mind my Shape this Bout j for I am only in J urnps. Shall 1 fend for my Tabbys ? Carm. No, Madam, we'll fupply that for the prcfent Your Ladyfhip was juft now mentioning a Daughter Is (he your Face a little more towards me Is (he the fole Inheritor of her Mo- ther's Beauty j Or have you Lady. That? ha! ha! ha ! why that's my youngeft of all, except Caleb. I have had, Mr. Carmine, live born, and chriften'd ftay don't let me lye now One Two Three Four Five Then I lay fallow but the Year after I had Twins -they came in Mr. Pcntweazel's SherifFalty ; then Roger, then Robin, then Reuben in fhort, I have had Twenty as fine Babes as ever trod in Shoe of Leather. Carm. Upon my Word, Madam, your Lady- fhip is an admirable Member of the Commonwealth; 'tis a thufand Pities that, like the Romans, we have not fome Honours to reward iuch diltinguilhed Merit. Lady. Ay, ay, Mr. Carmine, if Breeding amongft ChriftiahS was as much encouraged as amongft Dogs and Hcries, we need not be making Laws to let in a Parcel of ouciandun LocuUs to eat us all up. Carm. I am told, Madam, that a Bill for fome fuch Purpofe is about to pafs, and chat we. begin now to 1 * TASTE. to have almoft as much Regard for the Propaga- tion of the Species, as the Prefervation of the Game in thefe Kingdoms 'Now, Madam, I am come to the t yes Oh ! that Look, that, that, I mufl defpair of imitating. Lady. Oh ! Oh! good Sir, have you found out that ? Why all my Family by the Mother's Side were famous for their Eyes : I have a Great Aunt among the Beauties at Wind/or; l"he has a Sifter at Hampton-Court, aperdigious fine Woman me had but one Eye, indeed, but that was a Piercer^ that one Eye got her three Hufbands we were called the gimlet-eyed Family. Oh ! Mr. Carmine, you need not mind thefe Heats in my Face ; they always difcharge themfelves about Chriftmas my true Carnation is not feen in my Countenance. Thats Carnation ! here's your Flefh and Blood ! (Jhewing her Arm. Carm. Delicate, indeed ! finely turn'd, and of a charming Colour. Lady. And yet it has been employed enough to fpoil the bed Hand and Arm in the World. Even before Marriage never idle j none of your galloping, goffiping, Ranefogh Rorfcps, like the forward Minxes of the prefent Age. I was always employed either in painting your Lam/kips, playing upon the Hafpicols, making Pafle, or fomething or other All our family had a Geno -, and then I fung ! Every Body faid I had a monftrous fine Voice for Mufic. Carm. That may be difcern'd by your Ladyfhip's Tones in Converfation. Lady.' Tones-^you are right, Mr. Carmine $ that was jVlr. Purcel's Word. Mifs Molly Grijkin, faid he (my maiden Name) you have Tones. Carmr TASTE. 9 Carm. As your LadyfMp has prefervcd every Thing elfr fo well, I dare fvvear you have not loft your Voice. Will you favour me with an Air ! Lady. Oh \ Sir, you are fo polite, that it's im- poflible But I have none of your new PJay- houfe Songs 1 can give you one = that was made on myfelf by Lawrence Luteftring, a Neighbour'! Son. Carm. What you pleafe, Madam. Lady. As I was a walking "by the Side of a River 9 I met a young Daniel Jo charming and clever j Her Poice to pleafe could not fail, She Jung like any Nightingale. Fal de rdl ; bugh y bugh, &c. Blels me ! I have fuch a Cough i but there arc Tones. Carm. Inimitable ones. Lady. But, Mr. Carmine) you Limners are all ingenus Men you fing- Carm. A Ballad, or Ib, Madam ; Mufic is a Sifter Artj and it would be a little unnatural not to cultivate an Acquaintance there. Lady. Why truly we ought nor to be aftiamed of our Relations, unlefs they are poor ; and then, you know ^r- Enter Boy. Boy Alderman Pentweazle and Mr. Puff. Lady. Oh ! he was to call upon me ; we go to the Auction. Defire him to walk up Mr. Pent- weazley you muft k'now, went this Morning to meet Caleb) my youngeft Boy, at the Bull and Gate. The Child has been two Years and three Quarters io TASTE. Quarters at School with Dr. Jerk, near Donta/lcr, and comes To-day by the York Waggon ; for it has always been my Maxtim, Mr. Carmine, to giver my Children Learning enough ; for, as the old Saying is, fVben Hotife'and Land are gone andfyent, Then Learning is mofl excellent. Carm, Your Ladyfhip is quite right. Too much Money cannot be employed in fo material an Article. Lady. Nay,the Coft is but fmalljbut poor fourteen Pounds a Year for Head, Back, Books, Bed, and Belly; and they fay the Children are all wonderful Latiners, and come up, lack-a-day, they come up as fat as Pigs - Oh ! here they are ; Odds me ! he's a Thumper. xYou fee, Mr. Carmine , \ breed no Starvelings. Come hither, Child. Mind your Haviours. Where's your beft Bow? Turn out your Toes. One would think he had learnt to dance of his Father. I'm fure my Family were none fo awkward. There was my Brother George^ a perfect Picture of a Man ; he danced, Lud! But come^ll in good Time Hold up thy Head, Caleb. Aid. Pr'ythee, fweet Honey, let the Child alone. His Matter fays he comes on wonderful in his Learning; and as to your Bows and your Con- gees, never fear, he'll learn them faft enough at Home. Lady, I ack-a-day ! well faid We now If he does, I know \vhg muft teach him. Well, Child, and doft remember me? Hey? Who am I ? Caleb. Anon ! Lady. Doft know me ? Caleb. Yes; you be Mother. T .A S T E. ir Lady. Nay, the Boy had always a good Memory. And what haft learnt, Caleb , hey ? Caleb. I be got into Atfop's Fables, and can fay all As in -prxjenti by Heart. Lady. Upon my Word that's more tha'ri ever thy Father could. Aid. Nay, nay, no Time has been loft j I quefV tioned the Lad as we came along j I afk'd him himfelf Lady, Well, well, fpeak when you are fpoken to, Mr Alderman. How often muft I Well, Caleb* and hadft a good deal of Company in the Waggon, Boy? Caleb. O Law ! Powers of Company. Mother. There was Lord Gorman's fat Cook, a Blackamorc " Drumming Man, two Actor People, a Recruiting Serjeant, a Monkey and I; Lady. Upon my Word, a pretty Parcel. Caleb. Yes, indeed; but the the fat Cook got drunk at Coventry, and fo fell out at the tail of the Waggon; fo we left me behind. The next Day the Serjeant ran away with the Showman's Wife ; the t'other two went after ; fo only the Monkey and I came to Town together. Carm. Upon rny Word, the young Gentleman gives a good Account of his Travels. Lady. &yjZy,Mr.Carmine, he's all over the blood of the Gri/kins, I warrantthe Child will make his Way. Go, Caleb, go and look at them pretty Paintings- Now, Mr. Carmine, let us fee if my good Marl can find me out. Aid. Lack-a-day; well, \ profefs they are all fo handfome, that J am puzzled to know which is thine, Chuck. Puff. it TASTE. i Puff. I am furprized at your Want of Difcern- ment, Mr. Alderman ; but the poflcfTion of a Jewel deftroys its Value with the Wearer ; now to me it feems impoflible to err; and tho' Mr. Carmine is generally fuccefsful, in this Inftance he is particularly happy. Where can you meet with that Mixture of Fire and Softnefs, but in the Eyes of Lady Pentweazle? Lady. Oh, Sir! Puff. That Cleamefs and Delicacy of Complex!- -on, with that Flow of Riiddinefs and Health. Lady. Sir ! Sir ! Sir ! Puff. That Fall of Shoulders, Turn of Neck, fet on Head, full Cheft, taper Waift, plump Lady. Spare me, fweet Sir ! You fee Mr. Pentweazle, other People can find out my Charms, tho* you overlook them Well, I profefs, Sir, you are a Gentleman of great Dilcernment j and if Bufinefs mould bring you into the City j for alas! what Pleafure can bring a Man of your refined Tafte there ? Pttf.Ohl Ma'am!' Lady I fay, Sir, if fuch an Accident mould happen, 'and Blowbladder-Jlreet has any Charms Puff. Oh ! Ma'am ! Ma'am ! Ma'am ! Ma'am Lady. It is not impqffible but we may receive you, tho' not equal to your Merits - Puff. Ma'am ! Lady. Yet in fuch a Manner as to mew our Scnfe of them. Sir, I'm your very obedient. Puff. Your Ladymip's mod Lady. Not a Step. Puff. Ma'am. TASTE. ij Lady. Sir Mr. Alderman, your Bow to the Gentlemen. The very fineft. Puff. Ma'am! Lady. Sir -Your moft obedient. Puff. Your devoted. (Ex. Aid. and Wife 1 . Carm. Ha! ha! Well faid, Puff.^ What a Calamity thou haft drawn upon the Knight ! Thou haft fo tickled the Vanity of the Haradan, that the poor Helpmate will experience a double portion of her Contempt. Puff. Rot them. Carm. Come, Puff, a matrimonial Afiiftant to k rich Alderman is no contemptible Employment. Puff. Ay, if it were a Sine-cure. Garm. No, that you muft not expect ; but unlels I am greatly miftaken in the Language of the Eyes, her Ladyfhip's were addrefs'd to you with moil perfuafive Tendernefs. Puff. Well, of that hereafter But to our Biifmefs. The Auction is about beginning; and I have promifed to meet Mr. David Dufledorpc, Sir Pofitive Bubble, and Lord Dupe, to examine the PiftureSjand fix on thofe for which they are to bid But fince we have fettled the German Plan ; fo Varnijh or Brujh muft attend them. Carm. Oh ! by all means purfue that. You have H6 Conception how the dear Foreign Accent is to your true Virtuofo; it announces Tafte, Know- ledge, Veracity, and in ihort, every Thing but can you enough difguife tne Turn of your Face, and Tone of your Voice ? a Difcovery of Mr. Puff in Mynhetr Gramngen blafts us at once. Puff. Never fear me. I wiih you may have equal Succefs in the Pare of Canto. C Carm. 1.4 T A S T E. Carm, Pho ! mine's a Trifle. A man muft have very {lender Abilities indeed, who can't for ten Minutes imitate a Language and Deportment that he has been Witnefs to for ten Years. Puff. But you mud get their Tones, their Tones; 'tis eafy enough. Come, hand up here that there Corregio ; an inimitable Piece. Gentlemen and Ladies : the very bed Work of the beft Mafter, Subject agreeable, highly finifhed, and well pre- ferved ; a Seat for the Ladies ; hand it to Sir Pofitive : a going for Fifty : fpeak, or it's gone for Fifty: Joy to your Ladyftiip. Come the next ,- but remember, let your Bob be bufhy, and your Bow low. Carm. Enough, enough; we are Strangers to each other, you know. Puff. Abfolute. Oh! but what Pictures of yours are in the Sale ? Carm. There's my Holy Family by Raphael ; the Marriage in Cana by Reuben Rouge j Tom Jack- Jon's .Tenters ; and for Bufts, Taylor's Head without a Nofe from Herculaneum. { Puff. Are the Antique Seals come Home ? Ce.rm. No j but they will be finiuYd by next Week. .Puff. You muft take care of Novice's Collection of Medals he'll want them by the End of the Month. Carm. The Coins of the firft Emperor are now fteeping in Copperas ; and I haye an Qtho t a Galba* Nero, and two Domitians reeking from the Dung- hill The Reft we can have from Doctor Mummyi a never failing Chap, you know. Puff. Adieu Carm. TASTE. 15 Carm. Yours* Sir a troublefome Fellow, this confounded Memorv ufeful, tho' Hounds of Beef and roafted Pigs ! -rauft get rid of him Ay, but when? Why when? - when I have gain'd my Point. But how, how then ? n, then it does not fignify Two Pence. We End of the F I R S T AC T. A C T II. Enter Puff, as Monfieur Baron de Gftmingen, Carmine as Canto, and Brufli. CANTO, f^\ O M E, buftle, buftle. Bru/h you \^j introduce Puff, Puff, how are you in your German ? Puff. 1 canno fpeak for Englandt, but I can mak underftand very mightily. Will that do ? Brujh. To a Hair. Remember you are come hither to purchafe Pictures for the Elector of Ba- varia. Carmine, you muft clap Lord Dupe's Coat of Arms on that Half Length of Erafmus ; I have fold it him, as his Great Grandfather's third Brother, for Fifty Guineas. Canto. It mail be done Be it my Province to eftablim the Baron's Reputation as a Connoiffeur. Brttjh 16 T A S T E. Eru/h has fecn you Abroad at the Court of the reigning Prince of Blantin. Puff. Yes; I was do Bufinefs mightily for Prince Blantin. Brujh. Your Portraits go firft, Carmine, Notice, Sir Pojitive Bubble, Jack Squander, Lord Dupe, and Mordecai Lazarus, the Jew Broker, have ap- pointed me to examine with them the Hiftory Pieces. Which are moft likely to (tick? Canto. Here's a Lift. Brujh. Hum, hide the Erafmus, I hear the Com- pany on the Stairs, ( Exit Carmine, and re-enters anon. Enter Lord Dupe, Bubble, Squander, &c. Lord. Mr. Brujh. I am your devoted Servant. You have procured my Anceftor. Brujh. It is in my Poflefiion, my Lord ; and I have the Honor to afTure your Lordfhip, that the Family Features are very difcernable ; and allowing for the Difference of Drefs, there's a ftrong like- nefs between you and your Predeceflbr. Lord. Sir, you have obliged me. All thefe you have mark'd in the Catalogue are Originals? Bru/h. Undoubted, But my Lord, you need not depend folely on my Judgement; here's Mynheer Baron de Graningen, who is come hither to furvey, and' purchafe for the Elector of Bavaria ; an indif- putable Connoifleurj his Bidding will be a Di- rection for your Lordmip. 'Tis a Thoufand Pities that any of thefe Mafters mould quit England. They were conducted hither at an immenfe Expence. and if they now leave us, what will it be but a public T A S T E. 17 public Declaration, that all Tafte and liberal know- ledge is vanifli'd from amongft us? Lord. Sir leave the Support of the National Credit to my Care. Could you introduce me to Mynheer ? Does he fpeak EngHJh ? Brujh. Not fluently, but fo as to he underftood. Mynheer, Lord Dupe the Patron of Arts, the Petronius for Tafte, and for well-timed Generofity, the Leo and the Mec am I too late ? Brujh In pretty good Time. A>z;. May 1 lofe my Oiho y or be tumbled from my Phaeton the firft Time I jehup my Sorrels, if I have not made more Hafte than a young Surgton to his firft Labour. But the Lots, the L^ts, my dear Bntjh, what are they ? I'm upon the Rack of Impatience till 1 fee them, and in a Fever of De- fire till I poffefs them. Brvjb. Mr. Canto, the Gentleman would be glad to fee the Bufts, Medals, and precious Reiiques of Greece and ancient Rome* Canto. Perhaps, Sir, we may mow him fora> thing of greater Antiquity Bring them forward ^ The firft Lot confifts of a Hand without an Arm, the firft joint of the Fore-Finger gone, fuppofed to be a Limb of the Apollo Deiphos The fccond, Half a Foot, with the Toes entire, of the Jung Lucina The third, the Caduceus of the Mercunus Infernalis The fourth, the Half of the Leg of the Infant Hercules all indifputable Antiques, and of the Mempbian Marble. Puff. Let me fee Juno's Half Foot. All the Toes entire ? Canton. Ail. Puff. Here is a little Swelt by this Toe, that looks bad Proportion. All. Hey, hey. Puf. 20 TASTE. Puff. What's dat ? Canto. That ! Pfhaw ! that ! Why that's onlya Corn. All. Oh! Puff. Corn ! dat was extreme natural j dat 'is fine ; the Maifter is jn it. AIL Very fine ! Invaluable ! Puff. Where is de Hercules 1 Calf? Upon my Word 'tis a very large Calf; big, big, big, all de Way up, all de Way down. Lord believe this Hercules was an Irijh Man. .AW. But where are your Bufts ? Here, here; Gentlemen ; here's a Curiofity ; a Medal ofOriuna, got for me by Do6lor Mummy ; the only one in the vifible World ; there may be fome under Ground ! Lord. Fine, indeed ! Will you permit me to, tafte it ? It has the Relifli. (All tafte* Ncv. The Relifh ! 'Zooks it coft me a hundred Guineas. Puff. By Gar, it is a dear Bit tho'. AW. So you may think j but three Times the Money fhould not purchafe it. Lord. Pray, Sir, whofe Buft is it that dignifies this Coin ? AW. The Emprefs Oriuna, my Lord. Lord. And who, Sir, might {he be ? I don't re- colleft to have heard of the Lady before. Nov. She, my Lord ? Oh ! fhe was a kind of a What-dy'e-caU'em a Sort of a Queen, or Wife, or fomething or other to fome body, that liv'd a damn'd while ago Mummy told me the whole Story ; but before Gad, I've forgot it. But come, theBufts. Canto. TASTE. at Canto. Bring forward the Head from Now Gentlemen, here is a Jewel. 411 Ay, ay, let's fee. Canto. 'Tis not entire, tho'. Nov. So much the better. Canto. Right, Sir the very Mutilations of this Piece are worth all the moft perfect Performances pf modern Artifts Now, Gentlemen, here's a Touchftone for your Tafte ! AIL Great ! great, indeed ! Nov. Great ! Amazing ! Divine ! Oh, let me embrace the dear difmember'd Buft ! a little farther off. I'm ravifhed ! lam tranfported ! What an Attitude ! But then the Locks ! How I adore the Simplicity of the Antients ! How unlike, the pre- fent priggifh, prick- ear'd Puppets ! How graceful- ly they fall all adown the Cheek ! fo decent, and fo grave, and Who the Pevil do you think it is, Brujh ?* Is it a Man or a Woman ? Canto. The ConnoifTeurs differ. Some will have it to be the Jupiter Tonans of Phidias, and others the Venus of Pathos from Praxiteles -, but I don't think it fierce enough for the firft, nor handfome enough for the laft. Nov. Yes, handfome enough. All. Very handfome ; handfome enough. Canto. Not quite therefore I am inclined to join with Signer Julio de PampediUo, who, in a Treatife dedicated to the King of the Two Suilies* calls it the Serapis of the ^Egyptians, and fuppofes it to have been fabricated about Eleven Hundred and Three Years before the Mofaic Account of the Creation. Nov. Prodigious ! and I dare fwear true. Alh si TASTE. Ml> Oh true, very true. Puff. Upon my Honour, 'tis a very fine Buft ; But where is de Nofe ? Nov. The Nofe , what care I for the Nofe ; Where is de Nofe ? Why, Sir, if it had a Nofe I would not give Sixpence for it How the Devil fhould we diftinguiih the Works of the Antients, if they were perfcd ? The Nofe, indeed I Why I don't fuppofe now, but, barring the Nofe, Roubi- liac could cut as good a Head every Whit Bruft), who is this man with his Nofe ? The Fel- low fl:ou'd know fomeching of fomething too, for he fpeaks broken Evglijb. Brufo. It is Mynheer Groningen, a great Con- noifieur in Painting. Nov. That may be, but as to Sculpture, I am his very humble Servant. A Man muft know damn'd little of Statuary, that diflikes a Bull for want of a Nofe. Canto. Right, Sir The Nofe itfelf without the Head, nay, in another's Pofleffion, would be an Eftate But here are behind Gentlemen and Ladies, an Equeftrian Statue of Marcus Aurelus without the Horfe; and a complete Statue of the Emperor Tra- jan, with only the Head and Legs milling; both from Herculaneum. This Way, Gentlemen and Ladies. Enter Lady Pentweazel, Alderman, and Caleb. Lady. Now, Mr. Pentweazel, let us have none of your Bloiv bladder Breeding. Remember you are at the Court end of the Town'. This is a Quality Auction. Aid. Where of Courfe nothing is fold that is ufe- ftil I am tutor 'd, fweet Honey. ' Lady. TASTE. ij Lady, Cakb, keep behind, and don't be med- ling. Sir (-foBruJb. Brujh. Your Picture, Ma'am. Lady. I fhould be glad you would inform me if there are any Lots of very fine old China. I find the Quality are grown infinitely fond of it; and I am willing to fhow the World, that we in the City have Tafte. Brujh. 'Tis a laudable Refolution, Ma'am, and, I dare fay, Mr. Canto can fupport Blefs me what's that ? (Caleb throws down a china Dijh* Lady. That Boy, I fuppofe! Well, if the mit- chievous Brat has not broke a and look how he (lands Sirrah, Sirrah, did I not bid you not med- dle ? Leave fucking your Thumbs. What, I fuppofe you learnt that Trick of your Friend the Monkey in the Waggon ? Caleb. Indeed I did not go to do it, Mother. Aid. Pr'ythee, fweet Honey, don't be fo paf- fionate. W hat's done can't be undone. The Lois is not great ; come, come. Bru/b. Mr. Alderman is in the Right. The Affair is a Trifle, but a Twenty Guinea Job. Lady. Twenty Guineas \ You fhould have twen- ty of my Teeth as Canto. You mean if you had them Your Lady- fhip does not know the Value of that Piece of China. It is the right old Japan of the Peagreen Kind. Lady Mandarin offer'd me, if I could match it, Fourfcore Guineas for the Pair. Lady. A fine Piece, indeed 1 Puff. Tis ver fine. Caleb. Indeed, Father, I did not break it. 'Twas crack'd in the Middle, and fo fell a two in my Hand. Lady 24 TASTE. Lady. What, was it crack'd ? Caleb. Yes indeed, Mother. Lady. There, Gentlemen ! Lcrd. Ma'am, I would willingly fet you right in this Affair ; you don't feem acquainted with thefe Kind of Things ; therefore I have the Honour to tell you, that the Crack in the Middle is a Mark of its Antiquity, and enhances its Value; and thefe Gentlemen are, I dare fay, of the fame Opinion. All. Oh, entirely. Lady. You are all of a Gang, I think. A broken Piece of China better than a whole one. Lord. Ma'am, I never difpute with a Lady j but this Gentleman has Tafte ; he is a Foreigner, and fo can't be be thought prejudiced ; refer it to him : the Day grows late, and I want the Auction to begin* Aid. Sweet Honey, leave it to the Gentleman, Lady. Well, Sir? Puff. Ma'am, J love to ferve de Lady. 'Tis a ver fine Piece of China. I was fee fuch another Piece fell at dmfterdam for a hundred Ducats. 'Tis ver well worth twenty Guinea. Caleb. Mother ! Father ! Never flir if that Gentleman ben't the fame that we faw at the Paint- ing Man's, that was fo zivil to Mother only he has got a black Wig on, and fpeaks outlandifh. I'll be fur enough if it e'nt a May-game. Lady. Let me die but the Boy's in the Right. My Dear, as L'm alive, Mr. Puffy that we faw at the Limner's. I told you he was a more cleverer Man than I ever faw. Caleb is right j fome Matter of Merriment, I warrant. Puff. I wifh it was. (dfide.) I no underftand. Cantt* T A S T E. 25 Canto. So, Matter Pttff, you are caught. {Afide. Lord. This is a moft unfortunate old Lady. Ma'am, you are here under another miftake. This is Mynheer Baron de Lady. Mynheer Figs-ends. Can't I believe my own Eyes ? What, do you think, becaufe we live in the City, we can't fee ? Nov. Fire me, my Lord, there may be more in this than we can guefs. It's worth examining into. Come, Sir, if you are Mynheer, who the Devil knows you ? Puff. I was now maifter Canto mightily. Nov. Mr. Canto, do you know this Baron ? Canto. I fee the Dog will be detected, and now is my time to be even with him for his Rounds of Beef and roafting Pigs. (Aftde.) I can't fay I ever faw the Gentleman before. Nov. Oh! oh! Lord- The Fellow is an Impoftor ; a palpable Cheat. Sir, I think you came" from the Rhine ; pray, how mould you like walking into the Thames? Nov. Or what think you, my Lord ? The Rafcal complain'd but now that the Buft wanted a Nofe; fuppofe we were to fupply the De* ficiency with his ? Lord. But Juftice, Mr. Novice. Canto. Great Rafcal, indeed, Gentlemen. If Rogues of this Stamp get once a Footing in thefe Afiemblies, adieu to all moral Honefty. I think an Example mould be made of him. But, were I to advife, he is a properer Subject for the Rabble to handle than the prefent Company. All Away with him Puff. 26 TASTE. Puff. Hands off. If I mufl fuffer, 'it (hall not be fingly. Here is the obfequious Mr. Brujb, and the very courtly Mr. Canto, {hall be the Partners of my Diftrefs. Know then, we all are Rogues, if the taking Advantage of the Absurdities and Follies of Mankind can be calPd Roguery. I own I have been a Cheat, and I glory in it. But what Point will you Virtuofi, you C.onnoiffeurs, gain by the Detection ? Will not the publishing of our Crimes trumpet forth your Folly ? Lord. Matchlefs Impudence ! Puff, My noble Lord here the Dilettanti, the Curieuy. the Precieu of this Nation, what Infinite Glory will he acquire from this Story, that the Leo, the Mec Squander ; from the alluring Baits of my amorous City Lady ; and the dangerous Combina- tion of my falfe Friend I mould be happy. 'Tis from your Sentence lexpeft my Fate ; Tour Voice atone my Triumph can comflcte* FINIS. THE Englijhman in Paris. A COMEDY, IN TWO ACTS, As it is performed at the THEATRE-ROYAL in Drury-Lane. Written by SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq ; THE FOURTH EDITION. LONDON; Printed for T. and W. LOWNDES, No. 77, Flect-Street. MDCCLXXXIII. [ Price One Shilling. ] 1 Q ,1 ft ? K JL O 7 U (LT I Lui.T vA > alii ] MY Bookfeller informs me, that the Bulk of his Readers, regarding in a Work of this Kind the Quantity more than the Quality, will not be contented without an additional Half-Sheet ; and he apprehends that a fhort Dedication will anfwer the Purpofe. But as I have no Obligations to any great Man or Woman in this Country, and as 1 will take care that no Production of mine mall want their Patronage, I don't know anyPeribn whofe good Offices I fa much flood in need of as my Bookfeller's : Therefore, Mr,. VAILLANT, I think myfelf obliged to you for the Correctnefs of the Prefs, the Beauty of the Type, and the Goodnefs of the Paper* with which you have decorated this Work of Tour bumble PALL-MALL, psii 21, 1755, SAM. FOOTED A 2 PROLOGUE, Between Mr. MACKLIN and his WIFE. SHE. ^Tp coxtradia me f Blockhead ! Ideal / J. Fool! Sot! HE. But amid/l tbefe bard Names , our Difpute is forgot. To contradict you I know is Higb-Treafon ; For the Will of a Wife is always her Reafon. SHE. A r - - - SHE. Hey / How come you to claim the firjl Word? GENTLEMEN, my Hufband and I have bad a Difpute y Where the Difference lies 'twixt a Man and a Bt ute j Which we beg, whilft the Folks for the Farce are pre- paring^ You ivvuld pleafe to decide ', end give us the Hearing. Hem.! Hem! After Plutarch of Rome ! and Virgil of Greece ! And Iliads, and Eniends, and Authsn like tbefe ; J boldly affirm, deny it who can^ That in Laughter con/i/fs the true Ejfence of Man : Whtlft my Hujband HE. ATtfy, pray let mejlite my own Cafe,] And I'll m&ke it as clear as the Nofe in your Face, > That H -fling in Man prefer ves the fir ft Place. J To begin then with Critics : '~Tis their capitil Blifs^ Than to laugh don't you find it more pleafing to hifs ? In tnis all agree\ Jews! Infidels! Turks I SHE. I grant it, fcueet Sir, if you mean at your Works. Yet even ''gain/I that I've a potent Objeclion j For every Rule Jlill has its Exception : Tho they h:js'd at your Farces, your Pafquin, and Stuff^ At your Tragedy jure they laugh 'a heart} enough. Anl PROLOGUE. And again-, Mr. Wifeman^ regard the World round \ 'Tis in Mankind alone that Laughter is found ; Whilft your favourite HiJ/ing, fage Sir, if you plcufe, You enjoy but in common with Serpents and Geefe. SHE. And arnt you a/homed ('tis no Time to difTem- ble,) O Critics ! thefe Creatures in this to refemble ? HE. Net a Jot j in this Place 'tis of fingular Ufe, Of bad Poets and Players to reform toe A'oufe. In the PraEtice^ kind Sirs ! were I fit to advife, "| The HiJJing like Geefe I would have ysu dtfpife, > jfnd copy the Serpent^ - be fubtle and wife^ j But free from his Venom, -- Well, Sirs ! what d'ye fay? Is your Judgment -- SHE. ------ Let us wait 'till the End of tht Play: In the Progrefs of that wejhall eafily find^ Whether Laughing or Hijfing is mojl to their Mind, HE. / 'm fure they will hifs. SHE. And I hope they'll be kind. A3 DRA- > R A M A T I S P E R S O N M-. Bu c K, Mr, Palmer. Sir JOHN BUCK, Mr. Wright en* SUBTLE, Mr. Waldron. CLASSIC, Mr. Packer* MAR Q^U i s, Mr. Lamajh* Dancing-Matter, Mr, / ROGER, Mr. Griffith. Mrs. SUBTLE, Luc i N D A. Mrs. Mifs. C*/fe/. t &e. THE r i(hman in Paris, ACT I. SCENE I. Enter Mr. SUBTLE and Mr. CLASSIC. Mr. SUBTLE. WELL, well, that may be -, but ftill I fay that a Frenchman- Clqffic. Is a Fop 5 it is their national Difeafe ; not one of the Qualities for which you celebrate them, but owes its Origin to a Foible ; their Tafte is Trifling, their Gai- ety Grimace, and their Politenefs Pride. Mr. Sub. Hey-dey ! Why what the Duce brings you to Paris then ? C/aff. A Debt to Friendship; not but I think a fhort Residence here a very necef- fary Part in every Man of Fashion's Edu- cation. Mr. Sub. Where's the Ufe ? Claff. In giving them a true Relim fof their own domeftic Happinefs, a proper ve- neration for their national Liberties ; a con- tempt for Adulation; and an Honour for the extended, generous Commerce of their Country. A 4 ' Mr* 8 THE ENGLISHMAN Mr. Sub. Why there, indeed, you have the preference, Mafter Claffic ; the Traders here are a fharp S^tj cozening People; Foreigners are their Food j Civilities with a Aye ! aye ! a Congee for a Crown, and a Shrug for a Shilling; devilifh dear, Matter Claffic^ devihth dear. Ciaff. To avoid their Exactions, we are, Mr Siitrf/e, recommended to your Protec- tion. Mr. Sub. Aye ! and wifely they did who recommended you : Buy nothing but on mine or my Lady's Recommendation, and you are fafe. But where was your Charge ? Wnere was Mr. Buck iaft Night ? My Lady ciade a Party at Cards on purpofe for him, and my Ward Lucinda is mightily taken with him 3 me longs to fee him again. C/aJJ. I am afraid with the fame Set his Father fent him hither to avoid j but we rr.uft endeavour to intpire him with a Tafle for the Gallantries of this Cou^t, and his Paffion for the lower Amufements of ours will ciiminim of Courfe. Mr. Sub. All the Fraternity of . Men- makers are for that Purpofe without ; Tay- lors, Peruquiers, Hatters, Hofiers *Is not that Mr. Buck's Englifi Servant ? . Enter Roger. Claf. Oh ! aye, honcft Rcger. So, the old I N P A R I & 9 old Doings, Roger-, what time did your Matter come Home ? Rog. Between Five and Six, pummell'd to a Jelly : Here been two of his old Com- rades follow'd un already ; I count we mall ha' the whole Gang in a Se'nnight. Claff. Comrades, who ? Rog. Dick Daylight and Bob Ereadbajket the Bruifers : They all went to the Shew to- gether, where they had the Devil to pay; belike they had been fent to Bridewell, hadn't a great Gentleman in a blue String come by and releas'd them. I hear Matter's Bell ; do, Mafter Claffic, (rep up and talk to'un ; he's now fober, and may hearken to Reafon. Claf. I attend him. Mr. Subtle, you won't be out of the Way. Mr. Sub. I mall talk a little with the Tradefmen. A fmoaky Fellow this Claffic-, but if Lucinda plays her Cards well, we have not much to fear from that Quarter : Contradiction feems to be the Life and Soul of young Buck. A tolerable Expedition this, if it fucceeds Fleece the Younker ! Pfhaw, that's a Thing of Courfe ! but by his Means to get rid of Lucinda, and fe- curely pocket her Patrimony j aye I that indeed Enter Mrs. Subtle. Oh ! Wife ! Have you open'd the Plot ? Does the Girl come into it greedily, hey ? Mrs. lo THE. ENGLISHMAN Mrs. Sub. A little fqucamim at firft ; but I have opened her Eyes. Never fear, my Dear, fooner or later Women will attend to their Intereft. Mr. Sub. Their Intereft ! aye, that's true; but confider, my Dear, how deeply our own Intereft is concern'd, and let that quicken your Zeal. Mr. Sub. D'ye think I am blind ? But the Girl has got fuch whimfical Notions of Honour, and is withal fo decent and mo- deft : I wonder where the duce me got it ; t am fure it was not in my Houfe. Mr. Sub. How does me like Buck's Per- fon ? Mrs. Sub. Well enough ! But prythee, Hufband, leave her to my Management* and confider we have more Irons in the Fire than one. Here is the Marquis de Soleil to meet Madam de Farde to Night, and where to put 'em, unlefs we can have Buck's Apartment Oh ! by the bye, has Count Cog fent you your Share out of Mr. Puntwell's Lofings a Thurfday ? Mr. Sub. I intend calling on him this Morning. Mrs. Sub. Don't fail ! He's a flipper? Chap you know. ' Mr. Sub. There's no fear. Well, but our pretty Countrywoman lays about her hand- fomely ! Ha! Hearts by Hundreds! Hum ! Mrs. I N P A R 1 S. n Mrs. Sub. Aye ! that's a noble Prize, if we could but manage her j but {he's fo in- difcreet, that {he'll be blown before we have made half our Market. I am this Morning to give Audience on her Score, to two Counts and a foreign Minifter. Mr. Sub. Then flrike whilft the Iron's hot : But they'll be here before I can talk to my People ; fend 'em in prythee. Enter Tradefmen. Mr. Sub. So, Gentlemen; Oh! hu& f we are interrupted : If they a{k for your Bills, you have left them at Home. Enter Buck, Claffic, and Roger. Buck. Ecod, I don't know how it ended, but I remember how it begun. Oh ! Ma- fter Subtle, how do'ft, old Buck, hey ? Give'* thy Paw ! And little Lucy how fares it with (he ? Hum 1 Mr. Sub. What has been the Matter, Squire ? Your Face feems a little in Defha- bille. Buck. A Touch of the Times, old Boy f a fmall Skirmifli ; after I was down tho', a Set of cowardly Sons of ~ ; there's Georg* and I will box any iive fqr their Sam. Mr. Sub. But how -happen'd it ? Ths French are generally civil to ftrangers. Buck. Qh 1 damn'd civil ! to fall fevenor eight 12 THE ENGLISHMAN eight upon three : Seven or eight ! Ecod we had the whole Houfe upon us at laft. Mr. Sub. But what had you done ? Buck. Done ! Why nothing at all ! But Wounds ! how the Powder flew about, and the Monlieurs fcour'd. Mr. Sub. But what Offence had either fney or you committed ? Buck. Why I was telling Domine, laft Night, Dick Daylight, Bob Breadbajket, and I, were walking through one of their Rues I think they call them here, they are Streets in London-, but they have fuch devilim out- of-the-way Names for Things, that there is no remembering them : fo we fee Crowds of People going into a Houfe, and Comedy pafted over the Door ; in we troop'd with the reft, pay'd our Cam, and fat down on the Stage : prefently they had a Dance ; and one of the young Women with long Hair trailing behind her, ftood with her Back to a Rail juft by me : Ecod what does me ! for nothing in the World but a Joke, as I hope for Mercy, but ties her Locks to the Rail ; fo when 'twas her Turn to figure out, foufe me flapp'd on her Back 5 'twas devilim comical, but they fet up fuch an Uproar, one whey-fac'd Son of a Bitch, that came to loofe the Woman, turn'd up his Nofe, and call'd me Bete ; Ecod, I lent him a Lick in his Lanthorn Jaws, that will make him re- member the Spawn of old Marlborough^ I war- IN P A R I S. 15 warrant him. Another came up to fecond him, but I let drive at the Mark, made the Soup- Maigre rumble in his Bread-bafket, and laid him fprawling. Then in pour'd a Million of them ; I was knock'd down in a trice ; and what happen'd after I know no more than you. But where's Lucy ? I'll go fee her. C/aJ/l Oh fie ! Ladies are treated here with a little more Ceremony : Mr. Subtle too has collt&ed thefe People, who are to equip you for the converfation of the Ladies. Buck. Wounds ! all thefe ! What, Mr. Subtle, thefe are" Mounfeeres too I fuppofe ? Mr. Sub. No ! Squire, they are Englijh- men. Fafliion has ordain'd, that as you em- ploy none but Foreigners at home, you muft take up with your own Countrymen here. Clajj\ It is not in this Inftance alone we are particular, Mr. Subtle; I have obferv'd many of our pretty Gentlemen, who con- defcend to ufe entirely their native Lan- guage here, fputter nothing but bad French in the Side-boxes at Home. Buck. Look you, Sir, as to you, and your Wife, and Mifs Lucy, I like you all well enough -, but the Devil a good Thing elfe have 1 feen fince I loft Sight of Dover ; the Men are all Puppies, mincing and dancing, and chattering, and grinning; the Women a Parcel of painted Dolls : their Food's fit for Hogs ; and as for their Lan- guage, let them learn it that like it, I'll none I 4 THE ENGLISHMAN noneon'tj no, nor their Frippery neither: So here you may all march to the place from whence you Harkee ! What are you an Englishman ? Barber. Yes, Sir. Buck. Domine ! look here, what a Mon^ fter the Monkey has made of himfelf \ Sir- rah, if your String was long enough, I'd do your bufme'fs myfelf, you Dog, to fink a bold Briton into fuch a fneaking, fnivel- ling the Rafcal looks as if he had not had a Piece of Beef and Pudding in his Paunch thefe twenty Years; Til be hang'd if the Rogue ha'nt been fed upon Frogs ever fince he came over. Away with your Trumpery ! Claff. Mr. Buck, a Compliance with the Cuftoms of the Country in which we live, where neither o>ir Religion or Morals are concern'd, is a Duty we owe ourfelves. Mr. Sub. Betides, Squire, Lucinda ex- pects that you fhould ufher her to public Places, which it would be impoffible to do in that Drefs. Buck. Why not ? Mr. Sub. You'd be mobb'd. Buck. Mobb'd ! I (hould be glad to fee that. No! no! they ha'nt Spirit enough to mob here; but come, fince thefe Fellows here are Englifi, and it is the Famion, try on your Fooleries. Mr. Sub. Mr. Daufbine^ come produce Vpos IN PARIS. i $ Upon my Word, in an elegant Tafte, Sir : this Gentleman has had the Honour Daupb. To work for all the Beaux E(- prits of the Court. My good Fortune com- menc'd by a fmali Alteration in a Cut of the Corner of the Sleeve for Count Crib ; but the Addition of a ninth Plait in the Skirt of Marfhal rfonerre, was applauded by Madam la Duchefs Rambouillet, and totally efta- blifh'd the Reputation of your humble Ser- vant. Buck. Hold your Jaw and difpatch. Mr. Sub. A Word with you 1 don't think it impoffible to get you acquainted with Madam de Rambouillet. Buck. An't (he a Papift ? Mr. Sub. Undoubtedly. Buck. Then I'll ha* nothing to fay to her. Mr. Sub. Oh fie ! Who minds the Reli- gion of a pretty Woman ? Befides, all this Country are of the fame. Buck. For that Reafon I don't care how foon I get out of it : Come, let's get rid of you all as foon as we can. And what are you, hey ? Barb. Je fuis Peruquier, Monfieur. Buck. Speak Englijh, you Son of a Whore. Barb. I am a Peri wig- maker, Sir. Buck. Then why could not you fay fo at firfl ? What are you afham'd of your Mo- ther Tongue ? I knew this Fellow was a Puppy 16 THE ENGLISHMAN Puppy by his Pig-tail. Come, let's fee your handy Work. Barb. As I found you were in a Hurry, I have brought you.. Sir, fomething; that wiii do tor the prelent : But a Peruque is a different Outrage, another Sort of a Thing here, from what it i s en Angleterre \ we mud confult the Colour ot the Com- plexion, and the Tour de Vifage^ the Form of the .Face ; for which end, it will he ne- ceffary to regard your Countenance in dif- ferent Lights : A little to the Right, if you pleale. Buck. Why you Dog, d'ye think I'll fub- mit to be c^ercifed by you ? Barb. Oh mon Dieu ! Monfieur, if you don't, it will be impoffible to make your Wig comme II font. Buck. Sirrah, fpeak another French Word, and I'll kick you down flairs. Barb. Gad's Curfe!- Would you re- femble fome of your Countrymen, who, at their firft Importation with nine Hairs of a Side to a brawny Pair of Cheeks, look like a Saracen's Head ! Or elfe their Water-gruel Jaws, funk in a Thicket of Curls, appear, for all the World, like a Lark in a Soup- dim ! Mr. Sub. Come, Squire, fubmit -, 'tis but for once. Buck. Well, what muft I do ? [Places him in a Chair. Barb: I N P A R 1 S. 17 Barb. To the Right, Sir -, now to the Left; now your Full; and now, Sir, I'll do your Bufinefs. Mr. Sub. Look at yourfeif a little ; fee what a Revolution this has occafion'd in your whole Figure. Buck. Yes ! a bloody pretty Figure in- deed ! But 'tis a Figure I am damnably afham'd of: I would not be feen by Jack Wildfire or Dick Riot for fifty Pounds, in this Trim, for all that. Mr. Sub. Uport my Honour, Drefs greatly improves you. Your Opinion, Mr. Claffic. Claff. They do mighty well, Sir ; and in a little Time Mr. Buck will be eafy in them. Buck. Shall I ! I am glad on't, for I am damnably uneafy at prefent, Mr. Subtle. What muft I do now ? Mr. Sub. Now, Sir, if you'll call upon my Wife, you'll find Lucinda with her, and I'll wait on you prefently. Buck. Come along, Domine ! But harkee, Mr. Subtle, I'll out of my Tramels, when I hunt with the King. Mr. Sub. Well ! V/ell ! Buck. I'll on with my Jemmys ; none of your black Bags and Jack Boots for me. Mr. Sub. No ! No ! Buck. I'll {hew tjiem the Odds on't! Old Silver-Tail! I will ! Hey ! Mr. Sub. Ay ! ay ! Buck. Hedge, Stake, or Stile ! over we ^o! B Mr. i8 THE ENGLISHMAN Mr. Sub. Ay I but Mr. Claffic waits. Buck. But d'ye think they'll follow ? Mr. Sub. Oh no ! Impoffible ! Buck. Did I tell you what a Chace me carry 'd me laft Cbriftmas Eve ? We unken- nell'd at . Mr. Sub. I am bufy now ; at any other Time. Buck. You'll follow us. I have fent for my Hounds and Horfes. Mr. Sub. Have you ? Buck. They (hall mata the Tour of Eu- rope with me : And then there's Tom At- ktm the Huntfman, the two Whippers-in, and little Joey the Groom comes with them. Dammy, what a ftrange Place they'll think this ? But no Matter for that ; then we fhall be Company enough of ourfelves. But you'll follow us in ? Mr. Sub. In ten Minutes ! An imper- tinent Jackanapes ! But I mail foon ha' done with him. So, Gentlemen ; well, you fee we have a good Subject to work upon. Harkee, Dauphine, I muft have more than 20 per Cent, out of that Suit. Dauph. Upon my Soul, Mr. Subtle, I can't. Mr. Sub. Why I have always that upon new. Dauph. New ! Sir ! Why as I hope to be Mr. Sub. Come, don't lie j don't damn yourfelf, Daupbine , don't be a Rogue 5 did not I N P A R I S. 19 not I fee at Madam Fripon's that Waiftcoat and Sleeves upon Colonel Crambo ? Daupb. As to the Waiftcoat and Sleeves, I own-* but for the Body and Lining may I never fee Mr. Sub. Come, don't be a Scoundrel 5 five and thirty, or I've done. Daupb. Well, if I muft,. I mud. Mr. Sub. Oh ! Solitaire ! I can't pay that Draft of Mr. thefe fix Weeks ; I want Money. Soli. Je fuis dans Ic meme cas Je Mr. Sub. What d'ye mutiny, Rafcal ? About your Bufinefs, or- [Exeunt. I muft keep thefe Fellows under, or I fhall have a fine Time on't ; they know they can't do without me. Enter Mrs. Subtle. Mrs. Sub. The Calais Letters ! my Dear.' Mr. Sub. (reads) Ah ! ah ! Calais- the Dover Packet arrived laft Night* Loading as follows : Six Taylors, ditto Barbers, five Milliners, bound for Pan's to ftudy Fafhionsy four Citizens come to fettle here for a Month by way of feeing the Country ; ditto their Wives j ten French Valets, with nine; Cooks, all from Newgate, where they had been fent for robbing their Mafters ; nine Figure* dancers, exported in September ragged and Jean, imported well clad and in good Cafe j B 2 twelve 20 THE ENGLISHMAN twelve Dogs, ditto Bitches, with two Mon- kies, and a Litter of Puppies, from Mother Midnight's in the Haymarket : A precious Cargo {Poftfcnpt. One of the Coafters is juft put in, with his Grace the Duke of , my Lord , and an old Gentleman, whofe Name I can't learn. Gadfo ! Well, my Dear, I muft run, and try to fecure thefe Cuftomers ; there's no Time to be loft : Mean while Enter Claffic. So, Mafter Clajjic^ what have you left the young Couple together ? CkJJ. They want your Ladymip's Pre- fence, Madam, for a mort Tour to the Tuilleries. I have received fome Letters which I muft anfwer immediately. Mr. Sub. Oh ! Well ! Well ! no Cere- mony j we are all of a family you know. Servant.- [Exit. CLif. Roger ! Enter Roger. Rog. Anon ! Claff. I have juft received a Letter from your old Mafter ; he was landed at Calais, and will be this Evening at Paris. It is ab- folutely necelfary that this Circumftance ihould be conceal'd from his Son; for which Purpol'e you muft wait at the Piccardy Gate, and deliver a Letter I (hall give you, into his own Hand. Ring. IN P A R I S. 21 Rog> I'll warrant you. ClaJ\ But, Roger, be fecret. Rog. Oh ! lud ! Never you fear ! Claff". So, Mr. Subtle, I fee your Aim. A pretty Lodging we have hit upon ; the Miftrefs a Commode, and the A/Liter a - But who can this Ward be ? Poffibly the neglected Punk of fome riotous Man of Quality, 'Tis lucky Mr. Buck's Father is arriv'd, or my Authority would prove but an inefficient Match for my Pupil's Obfti- nacy. This mad Boy ! How difficult, how difagrceable a Taflc have I undertaken ? And how general, yet how dangerous an Expe- riment is it to expofe our Youth, in the very Fire and Fury of their Blood, to ail the Follies and Extravagance of this fantaftic Court ? Far different was the prudent Prac- tice of our Forefathers : Theyfcorn'd ti truck, for bafe> unmanly Arts, Their native Plainnefs, and their hone ft Hearts ; Whene'er they deign d to vfa haughty France, 'Twas arrnd with bearded Dart, and pointed Lanct. No pempous Pageants lur 'd their curious Eye, No Charms for them had Fops or Flattery $ Paris they knew, their Streamers wav'd around. There Britons Jaw a Britifli Harry crown d. Far ether Views attract our mcdrrn Race, ") Trulls, Toupees, Trinkets^ Bags, Brocades, and Lace ; \ A flaunting Form, and a fiflitisus Face, j Rouje ! re-ajjume ! refuj'e a Gallic Reign, Nor let their Arts win that their Arms could never gain. End of the Firjl Aft. B 3 ACT *a THE ENGLISHMAN ACT II. Enter Mr. Claflic and Roger. ROGER. OLD Matter's at a Coffee-houfe next Street, and will tarry till you fend for 'un. Ckff. Bye and bye, in the Dufk, bring him. up the back Stairs. You muft be care- ful that nobody fees him. Rog. I warrant you. C/affl Let Sir John know, that I would wait on him myfelf, but I don't think it fafe to quit the Houfe an Inftant. Rog. Ay, ay. [Exit Roger. Clajj. I fuppofe, by this Time, Matters are pretty well fettled within, and my Ab- fence only wanted to accomplifh the Scene; but I (hall take Care to -Oh ! Mr. Subtle and his Lady. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Subtle. Mrs. Sub. Ohl delightfully ! Now, my Deareft, I hope you will no longer difpute my Abilities for forming a Female. Mr. Sub. Never, never : How the Bag- gage leer'd ! Mrs.. Sub. And the Booby gap'd ! Mr. Sub. So kind, and yet fo coy j fo free, but then fo rdcrv'd : Oh ! (he has him ! ' Mrs. I N P A R I S. 23 Mrs. Sub. Ay ! ay ! the Fim is hook'd ; but then fafely to land him. Is Claffic fufpicious ? Mr. Sub. Not that I obferve j but the Secret muft foon be blaz'd.- Mrs. Sub. Therefore difpatch : I have laid a Trap to enflame his Affedtion. Mr. Sub. How ? Mrs. Suh. He mall be treated with a Dif- play of Lucy's Talents ; her iinging, danc- ing. Mr. Sub. Pfhaw ! hec finging and danc^ ing ! Mrs. Sub. Ah ! you don't know, Huf- band, half the Force of thefe Accomplim- ments in a fafhionable Figure. Mr. Sub.\ doubt her Execution. Mrs. Sub. You have no Reafon j fl^e does both well enough to flatter a Fool j efpe- cially with Love for her fecond : Befides, J fiave a Coup de Maitre, a fure Card, Mr. Sub. What's that ? Mrs. Sub. A Rival. Mr, Sub. Who ? Mrs. Sub. The Language- Matter : He may be eafily equipt for the Expedition ; a fecond-hand tawdry Suit of Cloaths .will pafs him on our Countryman for a Marquis 5 and then, to excufe tus fpeaking our Lan- guage fo well, he may* have been educated early in England. But hum ! the Squire approaches j don't feem to obferve him. B 4 Enter 24 THE ENGLISHMAN Enter Buck. For my Part, I never faw any Thing fo alter'd iince I was born : In my Confcience, I believe fhe's in Love with him. Buck. Huih! [4ftde.] Mr, Sub. D'ye think fo ? Mrs. Sub. Why, where's the Wonder ? He's a pretty, good - humour'd, fpfightly Fellow ; and, for the Time, fuch an Im- provement ! Why he wears his Cloaths as eafily, and moves as genteely, as if he had been at Paris thefe twenty Years. Mr. Sub. Indeed ! How does he dance ? Mrs. Sub, Why he has had but; three Leflbns from MarftiJ, and he moves already like Dupre. Oh ! three Months Stay here will render him a perfect Model for the Englifl 3 Court. Mr. Sub. Gadfo! No wonder then, with thefe Qualities, that he has caught the Heart of my Ward ; but we muft take Care that the Girl does nothing imprudent. Mrs. Sub. Oh ! difmifs your Fears ; her Family, good Senfe, and, more than all, her being educated under my Eye, render them unneceflyry : Bciides, Mr. Buck is too much a Man of Honour to [ He interrupts them. "J Buck. Damn me, if I an't. Mrs. Sub. Bleis me ! Sir ! you here ! I did not expect . Buck. I N P A R 1 S. 25 Buck. I beg pardon j but all that I heard was, that Mr. Buck was a Man of Honour. I wanted to have fome Chat with you, Madam, in private. Mr. Sub. Then I'll withdraw. You fee I dare truft you alone with my Wife. Buck. So you may fafely ; I have other Game in View. Servant, Mr. Subtle. Mrs. Sub. Now for a puzzling Scene ; I long to know how he'll begin. Well, Mr. Buck, your Commands with me, Sir. Buck. Why, Madam, I ahI ah but let's fhut the Door: I was, Madam, ah ! ah ! Can't you guefs what I want to talk about ? Mrs. Sub. Not I, indeed, Sir. Buck. Well, but try -, upon my Soul I'll tell you if you're right. Mrs. Sub. It will be impoffible for me to divine.: But come, open a little. Buck. Why, have you obferv'd nothing ? Mrs. Sub. About who ? Buck. Why, about me ! Mrs. Sub. Yes j you are new-drefs'd, and your Cloaths become you. Buck. Yes ! Pretty well ; but it an't that, Mrs. Sub. What is it ? Buck. Why, ah ! ah !- Upon my Soul, I can't bring it out. Mrs. Sub. Nay, then it's to no Purpofe to wait: Write your Mind. Buck. No ! No ! Stop a Moment, and I will tell. Mrs. 16 THE ENGLISHMAN Mrs. Sub. Be expeditious, then. Buck. Why, I wanted to talk about Mifs Lucinda. Mrs. Sub. What of her ? Buck. She's a bloody fine Girl 5 and I fhould be glad to Mrs. Sub. To- Blefs me ! What ! Mr. Buck ! And in my Houie ! Oh ! Mr. Buck, you have deceiv'd me ! Little did I think, that, under the Appearance of fo much Ho- nefty, vou could go to ruin the poor Girl. Buck. Upon my Soul you're miftaken. Mrs. Sub. A poor Orphan too ! Depriv'd in her earlieft Infancy of a Father's Pru- idence, and a Mother's Care. Buck. Why I tell you Mrs. Sub. So fweet, fo lovely an Inno- cence ; her Mind as fpotlefs as her Per- fon. Buck. Hey-day ! Mrs. Sub. And me, Sir ! Where had you your Thoughts of me ? How dar'd you fuppofe that I would connive at fuch a Buck. The Woman's bewitch'd ! -Mr s. Sub. I ! whole untainted Reputa- tion the bliftering Tongue of Slander never blafted. Full fifteen Years, in Wedlock's facfed Bands, have I liv'd unreproach'd j and now to Buck. Odds Fury ! She's in Heroics ! Mrs. Sub. And this from you too, whofe fair Outfide and bewitching Tongue had fo far IN PARIS 27 far lulPd my Fears, I dar'd have trufted all mv Daughters, nay, myfelf too, fingly, with you. B.YL/&. Upon my Soul ! and fo you might fafciv. Mrs. Sub. Well, Sir, and what have you to uige in y r 'r Defence ? /;wfl&. Oh ! oh ! What you are got pretty wt.! 10 'iK End of your Line, are you ? And ruw, i 1 /ou'li be quiet a Bit, we may make a Shm ro unJt rtknd one another a little. /i?r*. 6'ii. Be quick, and eafe me of my Fears. Buck. Eafe you of your Fears ! I don't know Sow the Devil you got them. All that 1 wuntcii to fay was, that Mils Lucy was a fine Wench ; and if (he was as wil- ling as me, Mrs. Sub. Willing ! Sir ! What Demon Eu k. If you are in your Airs again, I may a* wtll decamp. Mr*. Sub. I x am calm ; go on. Buck. Why that if (lie lik'd me, as well as I lik'd her, we might, perhaps, if you lik'd it too, be married together. Mrs. Sub. Oh ! Sir ! if that was indeed your Drift, I am faUsfy'd. But don't in- dulge your Wifh too much ; there are nu- merous Obftacles ; your Father's Confent, the Law of the Land, Buck. What Laws? Mrs. Sub. All clandefline Marriages are void in this Country. Buck. 28 THE ENGLISHMAN Buck. Damn the Country : In London now, a Footman may drive to May- Fair, and in five Minutes be tack'd to a Counters ; but there's no Liberty here. Mrs. Sub. Some inconfiderate Couples have indeed gone oft" Poft to Proteftant States ; but I hope my Ward will have more Prudence. . Buck. Well, well, leave that to me D'ye think fhe likes me ? Mrs. Sub. Why, to deal candidly with you, (he does. Buck, Does me, by Mrs. Sub Cal.m your Tranfports. Buck. Well ! Bat how ? She did not, did fhe ! Hey ! Come now, tell Mrs. Sub. I hear her coming j this is her Hour for Mafic and Dancing. Buck. Could I not have a Peep ? Mrs. Sub. Withdraw to this Corner. Enter Lucinda, with Singing and Dancing- Mafters. Luc. The News, the News, Monfieuf Gamut ; I die, if I have not the firft Intel- ligence ! What's doing at Verfailles ? When goes the Court to Marli ? Does Rameau write the next Opera ? What fay the Critics of Voltaire** Due de Foix ? Anfwer me all in a Breath ! Buck. A brave-fpirited Girl ! She'll take a five-barr'd Gate in a Fortnight. Gam. I N P A R I S. 29 Gam. The Converfation of the Court your Lady (hip has engrofs'd, ever lince you laft: honour'd it with your Appearance. Luc. Oh ! you Flatterer ! have I ! Well and what frem Victims ? But 'tis impoflible; the Sunfhine of a northern Beauty is too feeble to thaw the icy Heart of a French Courtier. Gam. What Injuftice to your own Charms and our Difcernment ! Luc. Indeed ! nay, I care not ; if I have Fire enough to warm one Britijh Bofom, rule ! rule ! ye Paris Belles ! 1 envy not your Conquefts. Mrs. Sub. Meaning you. Buck. Indeed! Mrs. Sub- Certain ! Buck. Hum ! Luc, But come, a Truce to Gallantry, Gamut, and to the Bufinefs of the Day: Oh ! I am quite enchanted with this new inftrument ; 'tis fo languiming and fo porta- ble, and fo foft and fo filly : But come, for your laft LefTon. Gc.m. D'ye like the Words ? Luc. Oh ! Charming ! They are fo melt- ing, and eaiy, and elegant. Now for a Coup a" EJJai. Gam. Take Care of your Exprertion ; let your Eyes and Addrefs accompany the Sound and Sentiment. Luc. But, dear Gamut, if I am out, don't interrupt me ; correct rue afterwards. Gam. 3 o THE ENGLISHMAN Cam. Allons, commences. SONG. I. PAR un matin Lifette fe leva, Ef dans un boisjeulette s'en alia. Ta, la, la, Sec.' II. Elk cherchoit des nids de $a de la, Dans un buijjbn le Rojjignol chant a. Ta, la, la, &c. III. Vouf doucement elk s'en approcha, Savez vous bien, je qu'elie denicha* Ta, la, la, IV. C'etolt I* Amour, V Amour Tattendolt la, Le bel Oifeau dit elk que voila. Ta, la, la. V. La pauvre enfant le.prit, le careffa, Sousfon mouchoir en riant le pla^a. Ta, la, k, VI. Son petit ccsur aufjitot s'enflama, Elk gemit, et neftait ce que/Ie a. Ta, Ia,la VII, IN P A R I S. 31 VII. Elk s'en vafe plaindre a.fon Papa, En lui parlant la belle foupira. Ta, la, la. VIII. Le bon Papa qui s'en doutoit deja, Lui dttjefcais un remede a ce/a. Ta,la,Ia. IX. 11 prit I* Amour ) les ailes lui coupa, D'un double noeitd fertement le Ha. Ta, la, la. X. Dans la votiere auffitot I'enferma, Chantez Fripon autant qu'il vous plaira. Ta, la, la. XL Heureufement la belle s'en tira, Mais on n'a pas toujours ce fecret la. Ta, la, la. XII. yeune beaute que I' Amour guetera y Craignez le tour qti a Liffette iljoua. Ta, la, la. Gam. Bravo ! Bravo ! Buck. Bravo! Braviffimo ! My Lady, what was the Song about ? [Afide to my Lady. Mrs. Sub. Love : 'Tis her own compofmg. Buck. 32 THE Buck. What, does (he make Verfes then ? Mrs. Sub. Finely. I take you to be the Subject of thefe. Buck. Ah ! D'ye think fo ? Gad ! I thought by her ogling 'twas the Mufic-man himfclf. Luc. Well, Mr. Gamut ; tolerably well, for fo young a Scholar. Gam. Inimitably, Madam ! Your Lady- fhip's Progrefs will undoubtedly fix my For- tune. Enter Servant. Luc. Your Servant, Sir. Ser. Madam, your Dancing-Mafter, Mon- fieur Kitteau. Luc. Admit him. Enter Kitteau. Monfieur Kitteau, I can't poffibly take Lef- fon this Morning, I am fo bufy ; but if you pleafe, I'll juft hobble over a Minuet by way of Exercife. Enter a Servant. [After the Dance. Serv. Monfieur le Marquis de Luc. Admit him this Inftant. Mrs. Sub. A Lover of Lucinda> a. French- man of Fafhion, and vaft Fortune. Buck. Never heed j I'll foon do his Bufi- nefs, I'll warrant you. Enter IN PARIS. 33 Enter Marquis. Luc. My dear Marquis ! Marq. Ma chere adorable I 'Tis an Age fince I favv you. Luc. Oh ! An Eternity ! But 'tis your own Fault, though. Marq. My Misfortune, maPrinceJJe ! But now I'll redeem my Error, and root for ever here. Buck. I mall make a Shift to tranfplant you, I believe. Luc. You can't conceive how your Ab- fence has diftrefs'd me. Demand of thefe Gen-' tlemen the melancholy Mood .of my Mind. Marq. But now that I am arriv'd, we'll dance and fing, and drive care to the Ha! Monfieur Kitteau! have you pradis'd this Morning? Luc. I had juft given my Hand to Kit- teau before you came. Marq. I was in Hopes that Honour would ' have been referved for me. May I flatter myfelf that your Lady (hip will do me the Ho- nour of venturing upon the Fatigue of ano- ther Minuet this Morning with me ? Enter Buck brijkly. Takes her Hand. Buck. Not that you knoiv of, Monfieur. Marq. Hey ! Diable ! Qr.telle Bete ! Buck. Harkee, Monfieur Ragout > if you repeat that word Bete, I mall make you C fwallow 2 4 THE ENGLISHMAN fwallow it again, as I did laft Night one of your Countrymen. Marq. Quel Sauvage ! Buck. And another Word; as I know you can ipeak very good Englifi, if you will . When you don't, I (hall take it for granted you're abufing me, and treat you accordingly. Marq. Cavalier enough ! But you are pro- tected here. Madamoifelle, who is this offi- cious Gentleman ? How comes he inte- refted? Some Relation, I fuppofe ! Buck. No ; I'm a Lover. Marq. Oh! oh! a Rival! Eh Morbleu ! a dangerous one too. Ha! ha! Well, Monfieur, what, and I fuppofe you pre- fume to give Laws to this Lady ; and are determin'd, out of your very great and iin- gular Affection, to knock down every Mor- tal (he iikes, A-la-mode dAngkterre-, Hey! Monfieur Roaft-Beef ! Buck. No ; but I intend that Lady for my Wife;, coniider her as fuch, and don't chufe to have her ibil'd by the impertinent Addrefles of every French Fop, A-la-mocie de Paris, Mounfieur FricafTy ! Marq. FricalTy! Buck. We. Luc. A Truce; a Truce, I befeech you, Gentlemen : It fcems I am the golden Prize lor which you plead; produce your Preten- fions ; you are the Repreieatatives of your refpecVive I N P A R I 3. 35 refpeclive Countries : Begin, Marquis, for the Honour of France-, let me hear what Advantages I am to derive from a conjugal Union with you. Marq. Abftraded from thofe which I think are pretty vifible; a perpetual Refi- dence in this Paradife of Pleaiures ; to be the Object of univerfal Adoration ; to fay what you pleafe, go where you will, do what you like, form Famions, hate your Huiband, and let him fee it; indulge your Gallant, and let t'other know it ; run in Debt, and oblige the poor Devil to pay it. He ! ma Chere ! There are Pleafures for you! Luc. Bravo f Marquis ! Thefe are Allure- ments for a Woman of Spirit. But don't let us conclude too haftily ; hear the other Side : What have you to offer, Mr. Buck, in Fa- vour of England? Buck. Why, Madam, for a Woman of Spirit, they give you the fame Advantages in London as at Paris, with a Privilege forgot by the Marquis, an indifputable Right to cheat at Cards in Spite of Detection. Marq. Pardon me, Sir, we have the fame ; but I thought this Privilege fo known and univerfal, that 'twas needleis to mention it. Buck. You'll give up nothing, I find ; but to tell you my blunt Thoughts, in a Word, if any Woman can be fo abandoned, as to rank amongft the Comforts of Matrimony, the Privilege of hating her Hulband, and the C 2 Liberty 3 6 THE ENGLISHMAN Liberty of committing every Folly and every Vice contained in your Catalogue, fhe may ftay fingle for me ; for damn me, if I'm a Hufband fit for her Humour j that's all. Marq. I told you, Madamoifeile 1 Luc. But ftay, what have you to offer as Counterbalance for thefe Pleafures ? Buck. Why, I have, Madam, Courage to protect you, Good-nature to indulge your Love, and Health enough to make Gallants ufelefs, and too good a Fortune to render funning in Debt neceffary. Find that here if you can. Marq. Bagatelle ! Luc. Spoke with the Sincerity of a Briton; and as I don't perceive that I (hall have any Ufe for the famionable Liberties you propofe, you'll pardon, Marquis, my na- tional Prejudice ; here's my hand, Mr. Buck. Buck. Servant, Monfieur. - -Marq. Serviteur ! Buck. No Offence ! Marq. Not in the lead j I am only afraid the Reputation of that Lady's Tafte will fuf- fer a little ; and to (hew her at once the Dif- ference of her Choice, the Preference, which, if btftowed on me, would not fail to exaf- perate you, I fupport without murmuring j io that Favour, which would probably have provqk'd my Fate, is now your Protection. Voila la polite/e Francoife, Madam 5 I have the I N P A R 1 S 37 the Honour to be Bon Jour> Monfieur. Tol dc rol. [Exit Marq. Buck. The Fellow bears it well. Now if you'll give me your Hand, we'll in, and fet- tle Matters with Mr. Subtle. Luc. 'Tis now my Duty to obey. [Exeunt. Enter Roger, peeping about. Rog. The Coaft is clear j Sir, Sir, you may come in now, Mafler Claffic. Enter Mr. Claffic and the Father. Claff. Roger, watch at the Door. I wih, Sir John, I could give you a more chearful Welcome, but we have no time to lofe in Ceremony ; you are arrived in the critical Minute; two Hours more would have plac'd the inconfiderate Couple out of the Reach of Purfuit. Father. How can I acknowledge your Kindnefs ? You have preferv'd my Son j you have fav'd Claff. I have done my Duty; but of that- Rog. Maifter and the young Woman's coming. C 3 Cla/> 3 S THE ENG L 1SH MAN CiaJJ. Sir Job?2, place ( yourfelf here, and be a Witnefs how near a Crifis is the Fate of your Family. Enter Buck and Lucinda. Buck. Pmaw ! What fignifies her ? 'Tis odds whether (he'd confent, from the Fear of my Father. Befides, (he told me, we could never be married here ; and fo pack up a few Things, and we'll oft in a Poft-Chaife directly. Luc. Stay, Mr. Buck, let me have a Mo- ment's Reflection. What am I about ! Contriving in concert with the moft profli- gate Couple that ever difgrac'd human Na- ture, to impofe an indigent Orphan on the fole Reprefentative of a wealthy and ho-* norable Family ! Is this a Chara<5ter becom- ing my Birth and Education ? What muft be the Confequence ? Sure Detection' and Contempt, Contempt even from him, when his Paffions cool. 1 have refolv'd. Sir. Buck. Madam, Luc. As the Expedition we are upon the Point of taking is to be a lafting one, we ought not to be over-haf(y in our Refolu- tion. Buck, Pfhaw! Stuff! When a Thing's refolv'd, the fooner 'tis over the better. Luc. Bjt before it is abfolutely refolv'd, give I N P A R I S. 39 give me Leave to beg an Anfwer to two Queftions, Buck. Make Hafte then. Luc. What are your Thoughts of me ? Buck. Thoughts ! Nay, I don't know ; whv that you are a fenfible, civil, handfome, handy. Girl, and will make a devilifh good Wife. That's all I think. Luc. But of my Rank and Fortune ? Buck. Mr. Subtle fays they are both great; but that's no Baiinefs of mine, I was always determin'd to marry for Love. Luc. Generoufly faid ! My Birth, I be- lieve, -won't difgrace you , but for my For- tune, your Friend, Mr. Subtle, I fear, has anticipated you there. Buck. Much Good may it do him ; I have enough for both. But we lofe Time, and may be prevented. . Luc. By whom? Buck. By Domine ; or perhaps Father may come. Luc. Your Father! You think he would prevent you then. Buck. Perhaps he would. Luc. And why ? Buck. Nay, I don't know ; but pfhaw ! 'zooks ! this is like faying one's Cate- chife. Luc. But don't you think your Father's Confent neceffary ? C 4 Buck 40 THE ENGLISHMAN Buck. No ! Why 'tis I am to be married, arid not he. But come along, old Fellows love to be obftinate ; but Ecod I am as muli'fli as he -, and to tell you the Truth, if he had propos'd me a Wife, that would have been Reafon enough to make me diilike her ; and I don't think 1 mould be half fo hot about marrying you, only I thought 'twould plague the old Fellow damnably. So, my pretty Partner, come along ; let's have no more Enter Father and Claffic. Fatb. Sir, I am oblig'd to you for this Declaration, as to it I owe the entire Sub- jedion of that paternal Weaknefs which has hitherto fufpsnded the Correction your aban- don'd Libertinifm has long provok'd. You have forgot the Duty you owe a Father, difclairn'd my Protection, cancell'd the na- tural Covenant between us ; 'tis Time I now mould give you up to the Guidance of your own guilty Paffions, and treat you as a Stranger to my Blood for ever. Buck. I told you what would happen, if . he Should come ; but you may thank your- - felf.' Path. Equally weak as wicked, the Dupe of a raw, giddy Girl. But proceed, Sir 3 you have nothing farther to fear from me j compleat I N P A R I S. 4 t compleat your project, and add her Ruin to your own. Buck. Sir, as to me, you may fay what you pleafe j but for the young Woman, he does not deferve it ; but now me wanted me to get your confent, and told me that me had never a Penny of Portion into the Bargain. Fatb. A ftale, obvious Artifice ! She knew the Difcovery of the Fraud muft foU low clofe on your inconfiderate Marriage, and would then plead the Merits of her prior candid Difcovery. The Lady, doubt- lefs, Sir, has other Secrets to difclofe j but, as her Cunning reveal'd the firft, her Policy will preferve the reft. Luc^ What Secrets ? Buck. Be quiet/ I tell you j Jet him alone, and he'll cool of himfelf by and by. Luc. Sir, I am yet the Protectrefs of my own Honour ; in Juftice to that, I muft demand an Explanation. What Secrets, Sir! Path. Oh ! Perhaps a thoufand ! But I am to blame to call them Secrets ; the Cuftoms of this gay Country give Sanction, and {lamp Merit upon Vice; and Vanity will here proclaim what Modefty would elfe- where blufh to whifper. Luc. 42 THE ENGLISHMAN Luc. Modefty ! -You fufped: my Virtue then ! Fdth. You are a Lady; but the Fears of a Father may be permitted to negledt a little your Plan of Politenefs : Therefore to be plain ; from your Refidence in this Houfe, from your Connection with thefe People, and from the Scheme which my Prefence has interrupted, I have Sufpicions of what Nature, afk yourfelf. Luc. Sir, you have Reafon, Appearances are againft me, I confefs, but when you have heard my melancholy Story, you'll own you have wrong'd me, and learn to pity her whom now you hate. Path. Madam, you mifemploy yourTime; there tell your Story, there it will be be- liev'd ; I am too knowing in the Wiles of Women, to be foften'd by a Syren Tear, or impos'd on by an artful Tale. Luc. But hear me, Sir, on my Knee, I beg it, nay I demand it; you have wrong'd me, and muft do me Juftice. Clajf. I am fure, Madam, Sir John will be glad to find his Fears 'are falfe, but you can'r blame him. Luc. I don't, Sir, and I (hall but little trefpafs on his patience. When you know, Sir, that I am the Orphan of an honourable and once wealthy Family, whom her Fa- ther, I N P A R I S. 43 ther,mifguided by perniciousPolitics,brought with him, in her earlieft Infancy, to France, that dying here, he bequeath'd me, with the poor Remnant of our fhatter'd Fortune, to the Direction of this rapacious Pair ; I am fure you'll tremble for me. Path. Go on ! Luc . But when you know that plunder'd of the little fortune left me, I was reluctant- ly compell'd to aid this Plot ; forced to com- ply under the Penalty of deeper! Want ; without one hofpitable Roof to fhelter me, without one Friend to comfort or relieve me ; you muft, you can't but pity me, Fatb. Proceed ! Luc. To this when you are told, that, previous to your Coming, I had determined never to wed your Son, at lead without your Knowledge and Confent, I hope your Juf- tice then will credit and acquit me. Fatb. Madam, your Tale is plaufible and moving; I hope 'tis true -, here come the Ex- plainers of this Riddle. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Subtle. Mr. Sub. Buck's Father ! Fatb. 44 THE .ENGLISHMAN Fatb. I'll take fome other Time, Sir, to thank you for the lad Proofs of your Friend- fhip to my Family ; in the mean Time, be fo candid as 10 inftrudt us in the Knowledge of this Lady, whom, it feems, you have chofen for the Partner of my Son. Mr. Sub. Mr. Buck's Partner 1 chofe T I '* * :- Fatb. No Equivocation or Referve ; your Plot's reveal 'd, known to the Bottom ; who is the Lady ? Mr. SuL Lady, Sir, the Lady's a Gen- tlewoman, Sir. Fatb, By what Means ? Mr. Sub. By her Father afcd Mother. Fatbi Who were they, Sir ? Mr. Sub. Her Mother was of I for- get her Maiden Name. Fatb. You han't forgot her Father's ? Mr. Sub. No! No! No! Fatb. Tell it then. Mr. Sub. She has told it you, I fuppofe. Fatb. No Matter, I muft have it,Sir, from you; here's fome Myfrery. Mr. Sub. 'Twas Worthy. Fatb. Not the Daughter of Sir Gilbert. Mr. Sub. You have it. Patb. My poor Girl 1 I indeed have wrong'd, but will redrefs you; and pray, Sir, after the many preffing Letters you received from I N P A R I S. 45 from me, how came this Truth concealed ? but I guels your Motive. Dry up yourTears, Lucinda> at laft you have found a Father. Hence ye degenerate,ye abandoned Wretches, who, abufing the Confidence of your Coun- try, unite to plunder thofe ye promife to protect. Luc. Am I then juftified ? Fatb. You are, your Father was my firft and firmeft Friend j I mourn'd his Lofs j and long have fought for thee in vain, Lu- cinda. Buck. Pray han't I fome Merit in finding her ? She's mine by the Cuftom of the Ma- nor. Path. Yours Firft iludy to deferve her ; {he's mine, Sir, I have juft redeem'd this va- luable Treafure ; and (hall not truft it in a Spendthrift's Hands. Buck. What would you have me do, Sir? Path. Difclaim the Partners of your Riot, polim your Manners, reform your Pleafures, and, before you think of go- verning others, learn to direct yourfelf. And now, my beauteous Ward, we'll for the Land where firft you faw the Light, and there endeavour to forget the long, long Bondage you have fufler'd here. I fuppofe. Sir, we mall have no Difficulty in 46 THE ENGLISHMAN, &t. in perfuading you to accompany us 5 it is not in France I am to hope for your Re- formation. I have now learn'd, that he who tranfports a profligate Son to Paris, by Way of mending his Manners, only adds the Vices and Follies of that Country to thofe of his own. FINIS. EPILOGUE. 5poken by Mifs MACKLIN* 1 Tf SCAPED from my Guardian s tyrannical Sway, By a fortunate Voyage on a profperous Day^ 1 am landed in England, and now mujl endeavour^ By fame Means or other, to curry your Favour. Of what Ufe to be freed from a Gallic SubjeRion, Unlef> I'mfecure of a Britifti Protection ? Without Cajh',---but one Friend and be too juft made* Egad I've a Mind to fet up fame Trade. Of what Sort ! in the Papers P II publijh a Puff Which won't fail to procure me Cujlom enough : *< That a Lady from Paris ts lately arriv'd, Who fhun an Opera, when they hear 'tis thin. J " Lord ! do you know ?" fays Lady Bell " I'm told * That Jacky Dapple got fo great a Cold " Laft Tuefday Night There wa'n't a Creature there j *' Not a male Thing to hand one to one's Chair. " Divine Mingotti ! what a Swell has fhe ! J " O ! Such a Suftinuto upon B ! C " Ma'am, when (he's quite in Voice fhe'll go to C. J " Lord," fays my Lady Englijh ** here's a Pother ! " Go where fhe will, I'll never fee another." Her Ladyfhip, half choak'd with London Air, And brought to Town to fee the lights and ftare. " Fine Singing that U I'm fure it's more like fcreaming: * c To me, i vow, they're all a Pack of Women J " Oh Barbare ! Inhumana ! Tramontane ! " Does not this Creature come from Pudding-Lane ? * 4 Look, look, my Lord !--She goggles ! Ha, ha, pray be quiet j the Gentleman's at Home. (Surveys the Figure, laughs* and exit ) Enter Poet. Poet. Your name, I prefume, is Cape. Cape, You have hit it, Sir. Poet. Sir, I beg Pardon ; you are a Gentle- man that write ? Cape. Sometimes. Poet. Why, Sir, my Cafe, in a Word, is this ; I, like you, have long been a Retainer of the Mufes, as you may fee by their Livery. Cape. They have not difcarded you, I hope. Poet. No, Sir, but their upper Servants, the Bookfellers, have. I printed a Collection of Jefts upon my own Account, and they have ever fince refufed to employ me; you, Sir, I hear, are in their Graces ; Now I have brought you, Sir, three Imitations of Juvenal in Profe -, Tul- /y's Oration for Milo, in blank Verfe ; two Ef- fays on the Britifh Herring Fimery, with a large Collection ofRebufles; which, if you will dif- pofe of to them, in your own Name, we'll di>- vide the Profits. Cape, lam really, Sir, forry for your Diflrefs, but I have a larger Cargo 'of my own manufac- turing than they chufe to engage in. Poet. That's pity j you have nothing in the compiling or index Way, that you wou'd in- fruft to the Care of another ? Cape. Nothing. i J'U do it at half Price, Cafe. 12 He A U T H O R. Cape. I'm concern'd it is not in my Power at prefent to be ufeful to you ; but if this Trifle Poet. Sir, your Servant. Shall I leave you any of my Cape. By no Means. Poet. An EfTay, or an Ode ? Cape. Not a Line. Poet. Your very obedient. (Exit Poet. Cape. Poor Fellow ! and how far am I re- moved from his Condition ? ^7r/7had his Po/- lio-y Horace his Mecanas -, Martial his Pliny : My Protestors are Title-page, the Publimer; Vamp, the Bookfeller ; and Index, the Printer. A moft noble Triumvirate ; and the Rafcals are as profcriptive and arbitrary, as the famous Ro- man one, into the Bargain, Enter SPRIGHTLY. Spri. What ! in Soliloquy, George ? Recit- ing fome of the Pleafantries, I fuppofe, in your new Piece. Cape. My Difpofition has, at prefent, very little of the Vis Comica. Spri. What's the Matter ? Cape. Survey that Mafs of Wealth upon the Table ; all my own, and earn'd in little more than a Week. Spri. Why, 'tis an inexhauftible Mine ! Cape. Ay, and delivered to me, too, with all the foft Civility of Billing f gate, by a Printer's prime Minifter, call'd a Devil. Spri. I met the Imp opon the Stairs ; but I thought thefe Midwives to the Mufes, were the Idolizers of you, their favourite Sons, Cafe. We A U T H O R. 13 Cape. Our Tyrants, Tom. Had I indeed a pofthumous Piece of Infidelity, or an amorous Novel, decorated with lufcious Copper-plates, the Slaves would be civil enough. Spri. Why don't you publim your own Works ? Cafe. What! and paper my Room with 'em ? No, no, that will never do ; there are Secrets in all Trades ; ours is one great Myftery, but the Explanation wou'd be too tedious at prefent. Spri. Then why don't you divert your At- tention to fome other Objedt ? Cape. That Subject was employing my Thoughts. Spri. How have you refolved ? Cape. I have, I think, at prefent, two Strings to my Bow j if my Comedy fucceeds, it buys me a Commiffion ; if my Miftrefs, my Laura, proves kind, I am fettled for Life ; but if both my Cords fnap, adieu to the Quill, and wel- come the Mufket. : Spri. Heroically determined ! But a propos how proceeds your honourable Paffion ? Cape. But flowly I believe I have a Friend in her Heart, but a moft potent Enemy in her Head : You know, I am poor, and (he is pru- dent. With regard to her Fortune too, I be- lieve her Brother's Confent eflentially neceffary But you promifed to make me acquainted with him. Spri. I expedl: him here every Inftant. He may, George, be ufeful to you in more than one Capacity; if your Comedy is notcrouded, he is a Character, I can tell you, that will make no contemptible Figure in it. Cape. I 4 flfe A U T H O R. Cape. His Sifter gave me a Sketch of him laft Summer. Spri. A Sketch can never convey him. His Peculiarities require infinite Labour and high Finishing. Cape. Give me the Out-lines. Spri. He is a Compound of Contrarieties j Pride and Meannefs ; Folly and Archnefs : At the fame Time that he wou'd take the Wall of a Prince of the Blood, he would not fcruple eating a fry'd Saufage at the Mews-Gate. There is a Minutenefs, now and then, in his Defcriptions 5 and fome whimfical, unaccountable Turns in his Converfation, that are entertaining enough : But the Extravagance and Oddity of his Man- ner, and the Boaft of his Birth, compleat his Character, . Cape. But how will a Perfon of his Pride and Pedigree, relim the Humility of this Apartment ? Spri. Oh, he is prepar'd You are, George, tho' prodigioufly learn'd and in'genious, an ab- firacted Being, odd and whimiical ; the Cafe with all you great Genius's : You love the fnug, the Chimney-corner of Life j and retire to this obfcure Nook, merely to avoid the Importunity of the Great. Cape. Your Servant But what Attraction can a Character of this Kind have for Mr. Cad- wallader ? Spri. Infinite! next to a Peer, he honours a Poet : And modeftly imputes his not making a Figure in the learned World himfelf to the Ne- glect of his Education hufli ! he's on the Stairs on with your Cap, and open your Book. Remember great Dignity and Abfence. Enter fbc A U T H OR. 15 Enter VAMP. Cape. Oh, no ; 'tis Mr. Vamp : Your Com- mands, good Sir ? Vamp. I have a Word, Mafter Cape, for your private Ear. Cape. You may communicate j this Gentle- man is a Friend. Vamp. An Author? C#/>. Voluminous. Vamp. In what Way ? CW/>. Univerfal. Vamp. Blefs me ! he's very young, and ex- ceedingly well rigg'd j what, a good Subfcrip- tion, I reckon. Cape. Not a Month from Leyden ; an admir- able Theologift ! he ftudy'd it in Germany ; if you {hould want fuch a Thing now, as ten or a dozen Manufcript Sermons, by a deceas'd Cler- gyman, I believe he can fupply you. Vamp. No. Cape. Warranted Originals. Vamp. No, no, I don't deal in the Sermon Way, now; I loft Money by the laft I printed, for all 'twas wrote by a Methodift; but, I believe, Sir, if they be'nt long, and have a good deal of Latin in 'em, I can get you a Chap. SprL For what, Sir ? Vamp. The Manufcript Sermons you have wrote, and want to difpofe of. Spri. Sermons that I have wrote ? Vamp. Ay, ay -, Mafter Cafe has been telling me Spri. He has; lam mightily oblig'd to him. Vamp. Nay, nay, don't be afraid ; I'll keep Council ; 16 Me A U T H O R. Council ; old Vamp had not kept a Shop fo long at the Turnftile, if he did not know how to be fecret; why, in the Year Forty-five, when I was in the treafonable Way, I never fqueak'd ; I never gave up but one Author in my Life, and he was dying of a Confumption, fo it never came to a Trial. Spri. Indeed ! Vamp. Never look here (Shews the Side of bis Head) crop'd clofe ! bare as a Board ! and for nothing in the World but an inno- cent Book of Bawdy, as I hope for Mercy : Oh ! the Laws are very hard, very fevere upon us. Spri. You have given me, Sir, fo pofitive a Proof of your Secrefy that you may rely upon my Communication. Vamp. You will be fafe but gadfo, we muft mind Bufinefs, tho' 5 here, Mafter Cape, you muft provide me with three taking Titles for thefe Pamphlets, and if you can think of a pat Latin Motto for the largeft Cape. They (hall be done. Vamp. Do fo, do fo. Books are like Women, Mafter Cape-, toftrike, they muftbewell-drefs'd ; ne Feathers make fine Birds ; a good Paper, an elegant Type, a handfome Motto, and a catching Title, has drove many a dull Treatife thro' three Editions Did you know Harry Handy ? Spri. Not that I recollect. Vamp. He was a pretty Fellow ; he had his Latin, ad anguem, as they fay ; he would have turn'dyou a Fable of Dry dens, or an Epiftle of ' Latin Verfe in a twinkling; except Peter A U T H O R. 17 Peter Hafty the Voyage-writer, he was as great a Lofs to the Trade as any within my Memory. Cape. What carry'd him off? Vamp. A Halter; hang'dforclippingandcoin- ing, Mafter Cape; I thought there was fome- thing the Matter by his not coming to our Shop for a Month or two: He was a pretty Fellow ! Spri. Were you a great Lofer by his Death ? Vamp, I can't fay: as he had taken to Another Courfe of Living, his Execution made a Noife; it fold me feven Hundred of his Tranf- lations, befides his laft dying Speech and Con- feflion ; I got it ; he was mindful of his Friends in his laft Moments : He was a pretty Fellow ! Cape. You have no farther Commands, Mr, Vamp ? Vamp. Not at prefent j about the Spring I'll deal with you, if we can agree for a Coupk of Volumes in Octavo. Spri. Upon what Subject ? Vamp. I leave that to him ; Matter ^C^* knows what will do, tho' Novels are a pretty light Summer reading, and do very well at Tunbridge, Briftol, and the other watering Pla-> ces : No bad Commodity for the JVeJi-India Trade neither ; let 'em be Novels, Mafter Cape , Cape. You fhall be certainly fupply'd. Vamp. I doubt not; pray how does Index go on with your Journal ? Cape. He does not complain. Vamp. Ah, I knew the Time -but you have over-ftock'd the Market. Titlepage and I had once lik'd to have engag'd in a Paper. We had got a young Cantab for the EfTays; a pretty Jiiflorian from Aberdeen \ and an Attorney's C Cierk i8 in half a Year's Time, I have a Grandfon of my own that will come in ; he's now in training as a Waiter at the Cocoa-Tree Coffee-houfe ; I intend giving him the Run of Jonathans for three Months to underftand Trade and the Funds ; and then I'll ftart him no, no, you have enough on your Hands ; flick to your Bufinefs : and d'ye hear, 'ware clipping and coining ; re- member Harry Handy, he was a pretty Fellow ! (Exit. Sprt. And I'm fure thou art a mod extraor- dinary Fellow ! But prythee, George, what cou'd provoke thee to make me a Writer of Sermons ? Cape. You feem'd defirous of being ac- quainted with our Bufinefs, and I knew old Vamp wou'd let you more into the Secret in five Mittytes, than I cou'd in as many Hours. (Knocking below, loud.Jf Spri. Cape, to your Poftj here they are c'faith, a Coachful ! Let's fee, Mr. and Mrs. Cadwallader, and your Flame, the Sifter, as I live. (Cadwallader without) Pray, by the Bye, han't you a Poet above ? (Without.) Higher up. ' Cad. Egad, I wonder what makes your Po- ets have fuch an Averfion to middle Floors; they are always to be found in the Extremities \ in Garrets, or Cellars-. . A U T H O R. 19 Enter Mr. and Mrs. CADWALLADER and ARABELLA. Cad. Ah ! Sprightly ! Spri. Hum ! Cad. Hey, what's the Matter ? Spri. Hard at it; untwifling fome knotty Point; totally abforb'd ! Cad. Gadfo ! what, that's he ! Beck, Bell, there he is, egad, as great a Poet, and as inge- nious a what's he about ? Hebrew ? Spri. Weaving the whole ./Eneid into a Tra- gedy : I have been here this half Hour, but he has not mark'd me yet. Cad. Cou'd not I take a Peep ? Spri. An Earthquake wou'd not rouze him. Cad. He feems in a damn'd Paffion. Cape . The Belt of Pal/as ! nor Prayers, nor Tears, nor fupplicating Gods fhall fave thee now. Cad. Hey ! Zounds, what the Devil ? who ? Cape. -Pallas ! te hoc vulnere, tyllas Immolat^ & pcenam feeler at o ex f anguine fumit \ Cad. Damn your Palace ; I wifh I was well out of your Garret. Cape. Sir, I beg ten thoufand Pardons : La- dies, your moft devoted. You will excufe me, Sir, but being juft on the Cataftrophe of my Tragedy, I am afraid the poetic Furor may have betray'd me into fome Indecency. Spri. Oh, Mr. Cadwallader is too great a Genius himfelf, not to allow for thefe intern^ perate Sallies of a heated Imagination. Cad. Genius ! Look ye hear, Mr. What's- your^name ? Cape. Cape. C 2 Cad. 20 fh A U T H O R. Cad. Cape! True; tho' by the Bye here, hey! You live deviliih high; but perhaps yau may chufe that for Exercife, hey ! Sprightly / Genius! Look'e here, Mr. Cafe, I had as pret- ty natural Parts, as fine Talents ! ?but between you and I, I had a damn'd Fool of a Guardian, an ignorant, illiterate, ecod he cou'd as foon pay the national Debt as write his own Name, and fo was refolv'd to make his Ward no wiier than himfelf, I think. Spri. Oh ! fye, Mr. Cadwallader, you don't do yourfelf Juflice. Cape. Indeed, Sir, we muft contradict you, we can't fuffer this Defamation. I have more than once heard Mr. Cadwalladers literary Ac- quifitions loudly talk'd of. Cad. Have you? no, no, it can't be, hey ! tho' let me tell you, laft Winter, before I had the Meafles, I cou'd have made as good a Speech upon any Subject, in Italian, French, German but I am all unhing'd; all .... .Oh! Lord, Mr. Cape, this is Becky ; my dear Becky, Child, this is a great Poet ah, but me does not know what that is-; a little foolifli or fo, but of a very good Family -here Becky, Child, won't you afk Mr. Cape to come and fee you ? Mrs. Cad. As Dicky fays, \ IhaH be glad to fee you at our Houfe, Sir. Cape. I have too great a Regard for my own Happinefs, Ma'am, to mifs (6 certain an Op- portunity of creating it. Mrs. Cad, Hey! What? Cape. My Inclinations, as well as my Duty, I fay, will Compel me to obey your kind In- junctions. Mrs. Cad, A U T H O R. 21 Mrs. Cad. What does h*e fay, our Bell ? Arab. Oh, that he can have no greater Pleafure than waiting on you. Mrs. Cad. I'm fure that's more his Goodnefs than my Defert ; but when you be'nt better en- gag'd we (hou'd be glad of your Company of an Evening to make one with our Dicky, Sifter Be//, and I, at Whifk and Swabbers. Cad. Hey, ecod do, Cape, come and look at her Grotto and Shells and- fee what me has got - well, he'll come, Beck, ecod do, and fhe'll come to the third Night of your Tragedy, hey ! won't you, Beck ? is'nt flie a fine Girl ? hey, you; humour her a little, do; hey, Beck -, he fays you are as fine a Woman as ever he ecod who knows but he may make a Copy of Verfes on you ? there, go, and have a little Chat with her, talk any Nonfenfe to her, no Matter what ; ihe's a damn'd Fool, and won't know the Difference there, go, Beck well, Sprightly, hey ! what are you and Bell like to come together ? Oh, ecod, they tell me, Mr. Sprightly, that you have frequently Lords and Vifcounts and Earls, that take a Dinner with you ; now I fhou'd look upon it as a very par- ticular Favour, if you would invite me at the fame Time, hey ! will you ? Spri. You may depend on it. Cad. Will you ? Gad, that's kind ; for be- tween you and I, Mr. Sprightly, I am of as antient a Family as the belt of them, and Peo- ple of FaOiion (hou'd know one another, you know. Spri. By all manner of Means. C 3 Cad. 22 r&e A U T Rt O R. Hey ! mould not they fo ? When ybii have any Lord, or Baron, nay egad, if it be but a Baronet, or a Member of Parliament, I fhou'd take it as a Favour. Spri. You will do them honour; they muft all have heard of the Antiquity of your Houfe. Cad. Antiquity ! hey ! Beck, where's my Pedigree ? Mrs. Cad. Why at Home, lock'd up in the Butler's Pantry. Cad. In the Pantry ! What the Devil, how often have I bid you never to come out with- out it? Mrs. Cad. Lord ! What fignifies carrying fuch a lumb'ring Thing about ? Cad. Signifies ! you are a Fool, Beck, why fuppofe we mould have any Difputes when we are abroad, about Precedence ? how the Devil fhall we be able to fettle it ? But you mall fee it at Home. Oh Becky, come hither, we will refer our Difpute to - (^key go apart.) Arab. Well, Sir, your Friend has prevail'd -, you are acquainted with my Brother ; but what Ufe you propofe - Cape. The Pleafure of a more frequent Ad- mifTion to you. Arab. That all ? Cape. Who knows but a flricl: intimacy with Mr. Gadwallader may in Time incline him to favour my Hopes ? Arab. A fandy Foundation ! Cou'd he be prevail'd upon to forgive your Want of Fortune; the Obfcurity, or at Ipaft Uncertainty, of your Birth, will prove an unfurmoun table Bar. Cad. A U T H O R. 23 Cad. Hold, hold, hold, Beck ; zounds ! you are fo Spri. Well, but hear him out, Ma'am. Cape. Confider we have bqt an Inftant. What Project? What Advice ? Arab. O fye ! You would be afham'd to re- ceive Succour from a weak Woman ! Poetry is your Profefiion, you know j fo that Plots, Con- trivances, and all the Powers of Imagination, are more peculiarly your Province. Cape. Is this a Seafon to rally ? Cad. Hold, hold, hold ; afk Mr. Cape. Arab. To be ferious then -, if you have any Point to gain with my Brother, your Applica- tion muft be made to his better Part. Cape. I underfland you ; plough with the Heifer. Arab. A delicate Allufion, on my Word ; but take this Hint Amongfl her Paffions, Ad- miration, or rather Adoration, is the principal. Cape. Oh ; that is her Foible ? Arab. One of them; againft that Fort you muft plant your Batteries But here they are. Mrs. Cad. I tell you, you are a nonfenfeMan, and I won't agree to any fuch Thing : Why what fignifies a Parliament Man ? You make fuch a Rout indeed. Cad. Hold, Becky, my Dear, don't be in a Paflion now, hold ; let us reafon the Thing a little, my Dear. Mrs. Cad. I tell you I won't ; whaf s the Man an Oafe ? I wr n't reafon, I hate reafon, and fo there's an End on't. Cad. Why then you are obftinate ecod, per- verfe, hey ! But my Dear, now, Becky, that's a C 4 good 24 Me A U T H O R. good Girl : Hey ! come, hold, hold Egad, we'll refer it to Mr. Cape. Mrs. Cad. Defer it to who you will, it will fjgnify nothing. Cape. Blefs me, what's the Matter, Madam ? Sure, Mr. Cadwallader, you muft have been to blame ; no inconfiderable Matter cou'd have ruffled the natural Softnefs of that tender and delicate Mind. Arab. Pretty well commenced. Mrs. Cad. Why he's always a Fool, I think ; he wants to fend our little Dicky to School, and make him a Parliament Man. Cape. How old is Mafter, Ma'am ? Mrs. Cad. Three Years and a Quarter, come Lady-day. Gape. The Intention is rather early. Cad. Hey ! early, hold, hold ; but Becky, miftakes the Thing, egad I'll tell you the whole Affair. Mrs. Cad. You had better hold your chat- tering, fo you had. v# Gad. Nay, prythee, my Dear ; Mr. Spright- ly, do, flop her Mouth, hold, hold ; the Matter, Mr. Cape, is this. Have you ever feen my Dicky ? Cape. Never. Cad. No ? Hold, hold, egad he's a fine, a fen- fible Child ; I tell Becky he's like her, to keep her in Humour; but between you and I he has more Senfe already, than all her Family put to- gether. Hey! Becky\ is not Dicky the Pi&ure of you? He's a fweet Child ! Now, Mr. Cape, you muft know, I want to put little Dicky to School; now between hey! you, hold, you, hold, the great U/e of a School is, hey ! egad, for We A U T H O R. 25 for Children to make Acquaintances, that may hereafter be ufeful to them; for between you and I, as to what they learn there, does not fignify Two-pence. Cape. Not a Farthing. Cad. Does it, hey ? Now this is our Difpute, whether poor little Dicky, he's a fweet Boy, {hall go to Mr. <%ua- Genius's at Edgivare, and make an Acquaintance with my young Lord Knap, the eldeft Son of the Earl of Prize, or to Doctor Ticklepifcbers at Barnet, to form a Friendfhip with young Stocks, the rich Broker's only Child. Cape. And for which does the Lady deter- mine ? Cad. Why I have told her the Cafe ; fays I, Becky, my Dear ; who knows, if Dicky goes to Qua Genius's, but my Lord Knap may take fuch a Fancy to him, that upon the Death of his Father, and he comes to be Earl of Prize, he may make poor little Dicky a Member of Parliament ? Hey ! Cape ? Mrs. Cad. Ay, but then if Dicky goes to icklepitcher who can tell but young Stocks, when he comes to his Fortune, may lend him Money if he wants it ? Cad. And if he does not want it, he won't take after his Father, hey ! Well, what's your Opinion, Mafter Cape ? Cape. Why Sir, I can't but join with the Lady, Money is the main Article ; it is that that makes the Mare to go. Cad. Hey ! egad, and the Alderman too, you ; fo Dicky may be a Member, and a Fig for my Lord : Well, Becky, be quiet, he mall flick to Stocks. Mrs. 2 6 735* A U T H O R. Mrs. Cad. Ay let'n -, I was fure as how I was right. Cad. Well, hum Becky. Mr. Cape, will you cat a Bit with us to-day, hey ! will you ? Cape. You command me.,. Cad. That's kind -, why then jforfy and Bell fhall flep and order the Cook to tofs up a little, nice Hey ! will you, Becky ? Do, and I'll bring Cape. Mrs. Cad. Ay, with all my Heart. Well, Mr. What-dye-cairum, the Poet; ecod the Man's well enough Your Servant. Cape. I am a little too much in Difhabille, to offer your Ladyfhip my Hand to your Coach. Cad. Pmaw ! never mind, I'll do it Here you have Company coming. (Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Cad. and Arab. Enter GOVERNOR and ROBIN. Cape. Ah, Matter Robin \ Robin. Why, you have a great Levee this Morning, Sir. Cape. Ay Robin, there's no obfcuring ex- traordinary Talents. Rob. True, Sir ; and this Friend of mine begs to claim the Benefit of them. Cape. Any Friend of yours : But how can I be ferviceable to him ? Rob. Why, Sir, he is lately return'd from a profitable Government; and, as you know the unfatisfied Mind of Man, no fooner is one Ob- ject pofTefs'd, but another {tarts up to Cape. A Truce to moralizing, dear Robin 9 to the Matter ; I am a little bufy. Rob. f&e A U T H O R. 27 'Rob. In a Word then, this Gentleman, having a good deal of Wealth, is defirous of a little Honour. Cape. How can I confer it ? Rob. Your Pen may. Cape. I don't underftand you. Rob. Why touch him up a handfome com- plimentary Addrefs from his Colony, by Way of praifing the Prudence of his Adminiftration, his Juftice, Valour, Benevolence, and Cape. I am forry 'tis impoffible for me now to mifunderftand you. The Obligations I owe you, Robin, nothing can cancel j othefwife, this wou'd prove our laft Interview. -Your Friend, Sir, has been a little miftaken, in re- commending me as a Perfon fit for your Purpofe. Letters have been always my Paflion, and indeed are now my Profeffion ; but tho' I am the Servant of the' Public, I am not the Proftitute of Particulars : As my Pen has never been ting'd with Gall, to gratify popular Refent- ment, or private Pique, fo it fliall never facrificc its Integrity to flatter Pride, impofe Falftiood, or palliate Guilt. Your Merit may be great, but let thofe, Sir, be the Heralds of your Worth, who are better acquainted with it. Qov. Young Man, I like your Principles and Spirit; your manly Refuial gives me more Pleafure, than any Honors your Papers cou J> d have procured me. Spri. Now this Bufinefs is difpatch'd, let us return to our own Affairs You dine at Cadwalladers ? Cafe. I do. Spri. 2 8 We A U T H O R. Spri. Wou'd it not be convenient to you, to have him out of the Way ? Cape. Extremely. Spri. I have a Project, that I think will prevail. Cape. Of what kind ? Spri. Bordering upon the Dramatic ; but the Time is fo preffing, I fhall be at a lofs to pro- cure Performers. Let's fee Robin is a fure Card A Principal may eafily be met with, but where the Duce can I get an Interpreter ? Rob. Offer yourfelf, Sir ; it will give you an Opportunity of more clofely infpecting the Conduct of your Son. Gov. True. Sir, tho' a Scheme of this Sort may ill fuit with my Character and Time of Life, yet from a private Intereft I take in that Gentleman's Affairs, if the Means are honour- able Spri. Innocent upon my Credit. Gov. Why then, Sir, I have no Objection, if you think me equal to the Tafk Spri. Moft happily fitted for it. I fhou'd not have taken the Liberty but hum ! He's re- turn'd. "Enter CADWALLADER. Spri. My dear Friend ! the luckieft Cir- cumftance ! Cad. Hey ! how ? Stay, hey ! Spri. You fee that Gentleman ? Cad. Well, hey! Spri. Do you know who he is ? Cad. Not I. Spri. He is Interpreter to Prince Potowow/ky. Cad. Wowjky* Who the Devil is he? A U T H O R. 29 Sfri. Why the Tartarian Prince, that's come over Ambaffador from the Cham of the Col- mucks. Cad. Indeed ! Spri. His Highnefs has juft fent me an In* vitation to dine with him ; now every body that dines with a Tartarian Lord, has a Right to carry with him what the Latins call'd his Umbra; in their Language it is Jablanoujky. Cad. Jablanoujky \ well ? Spri. Now if you will go in that Capacity, I mall be glad of the Honour. Cad. Hey ! why wou'd you carry me to dine with his Royal Highnefs ? Spri. With Pleafure, Cad. My dear Friend, I (hall take it as the greatefl Favour, the greateft Obligation-' ^1 fhall never be able to return it, Spri. Don't mention it. Cad. Hey I but hold, hold, how the Devil /hall I get off with the Poet ? You know I have afk'd him to Dinner. Spri. Oh, the Occafion will be Apology fufficient; befides, there will be the Ladies to receive him. Cad. My dear Mr. Cafe, I beg ten thoufand Pardons, but here your Friend is invited to Pinner with Prince- -what the Devil is his Name ? Spri. Potowowjki. Cad. True - 9 now, Sir, ecod he has been fp - kind as to offer to carry me as his Jablanoujky, 7/ou'd you be fo good to excufe By all means ; not a \Vord, I beg. 3 o We A U T H O R, Cad. That is exceeding kind ; I'll come to you after Dinner; hey! flay, but is there any Ceremony to be ufed with his Highnefs ? Sprl. You dine upon Carpets, crofs-legg'd. Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, crofs-legg'd, Zounds! that's ocJd, well, well, you (hall teach me. Spri. And his Highnefs is particularly pleafed with thofe amongft his Guelts that do honour to his country Soup. Gad. Oh ! let me alone for that ; but fliould not 1 drefs ? Sfri. No, there's no Occafion for it. Cad. Dear Friend, forgive me; nothing Should take me from you, but being a Hobblin Wijky. Well, I'll go and ftudy to fit crofs- legg'd, 'till you call me. Spri. Do fo. Cad. His Highnefs Potowowjky \ This is the luckieft Accident ! (Exit. Cape. Hah ! hah ! hah ! but how will you conduct your Enterprize ? Spri. We'll carry him to your Friend Robins ; drefs up one of the under Actors in a ridiculous Habit; this Gentleman mall talk a Jittle Gibbe- rim with him. I'll compofe'a Soup of fome nau-< feous Ingredients; let me alone to manage. But do youchufe, Sir, the Part we have affign'd ? Gov. As it feems to be but a harmlefs Piece of Mirth, I have no objection. Spri. Well then let us about it; come, Sir, , Gape. Mr. Sprightly ! Spri. What's the Matter ? Cape. Wou'd it not be right to be a little fpruce, a little fmart uppn this Occasion ? ieky will be here an Bye. Cafe. Hold a Minute. I have a Game to propofe, where the Prefence of a third Perfon, efpecially Mr. Cadwallader^^ wou'd totally ruin the Sport. Mrs. Cad. Ay, what can that be ? Cape. Can't you guefs ? Mrs. Cad. Not I'; Qijeftions ^n4 Commands, mayhap. Cape. A U T H O R. 33 Cape. Not abfolutely that fome little Re- femblance ; for I am to requeft, and you are to command. Mrs. Cad. Oh daify ! that's charming, I ne- ver play'd at that in all my born Days -, come, begin then, Cape. Can you love me ? Mrs.Cad. Love you! But is it in jeft or earned? Cape. That is as you pleafe to determine. Mrs. Cad. But mayn't I afk you QuefHons too ? Cape. Doubtlefs. Mrs. Cad. Why then do you love Me ? Cape. With all my Soul. Mrs. Cad. Upon your Sayfo. Cape. Upon my Sayfo. Mrs. Cad. I'm glad on't with all my Heart. This is the rareft Paftime ! Cape. But you have notanfwer'dmyQueftion. Mrs. Cad. Hey ? that's true. Why I believe there's no Love loft. Cape. So ; our Game will foon be over -, I fhall ba up at a Deal. I wim I mayn't be en- gag'd to play deeper here than I intended tho'. (Afide.) Mrs. Cad. Well, now 'tis your Turn. Cape. True ; aye ; but zooks you are too hafty ; the Pleafure of this Play, like Hunting, does not coniift in immediately chopping the Prey. Mrs. Cad. No! How then ? Cape. Why firft I am to ftart you, then run you a little in View, then lofe you, then un- D ravel 34 /// And Flefh is frail! We are grown ftrangely familiar, I think. Cape. Heydey ! In what Corner fits the Wind now ? Arab. Where it may poflibly blow ftrong enough to overfet your Hopes. Cape. That a Breeze of your Breath can do. Arab. Affected ! Cape . You are obliging Madam ; but pray, what is the Meaning of all this ? Arab. Afk your own guilty Confcience. Cape. Were I inclined to flatter myfelf, this little Paffion vvou'd be no bad Prefage. Arab. You may prove a falfe Prophet. Cape. Let me die, if I know what to But to defcend to a little common Senfe; what Part of my Conduct Arab. Look'e, Mr. Cape, all Explanations are unnecefTary : I have been lucky enough to difcover your Difpofition before it is too late ; and fo you know there's no Occafion but however, I'll not be any impediment to you; my Sifter will be back immediately ; I fuppofe my Prefence will only But confider, Sir, I have a Brother's Honour Cape. Which is as fafe from, me, as if it was lock'd up in your Brother's Clofet : But fure- ly, Madam, you are a little capricious, here j have I done any thing but obey your Di- rections ? D 2 Arab. A U T H O R. Arab. That was founded upon a Suppofitkm >ut no matter. Cape. That what ? Arab. Why, I was weak enough to believe, what you was wicked enough to proteft Cape. That I loved you ; and what Reafon. have I given you to doubt it ? Arab. A pretty Situation I found you in at my Entrance. Cape. An affumed Warmth, for the better concealing the Fraud. Mrs. Cad. What's that ? (Afide, lijlening. Cape. Surely if you doubted my Constancy, you muft have a better Opinion of my Under- itanding. Mrs. Cad. Mighty well. (Afide. Cape. What an Ideot, a Driveller ! no Con- lideration upon Earth, but my paving the Way to the Pofleffion of you, could have prevail'd upon me to fupport her Folly a Minute. Enter Mrs. CADWALLADER. Mrs. Cad. Soh ! Mr. Poet, you are a pretty Gentleman, indeed; ecod, I'm glad I have caught you. I'm not fuch a Fool as you think for, Man ; but here will be Dicky presently, he fhall hear of your Tricks, he mail : I'll let him know what a pretty Perfon he has got in his Houfe. Cape. There's no parrying this ; had not I better decamp. Arab. And leave me to the Mercy of the Enemy : My Brother's Temper is fo odd, there's no knowing in what Light he'll fee this. Mrs. Cad. AUTHOR. 37 Mrs. Cad. Oh, he's below, I hear him. Now we fhall hear what he'll fay to you* Madam. Enter CADWALLADER, GOVERNOR, SPRIGHTLY and ROBIN. Cad. No, pray walk in, Mr. Interpreter % between you and I, I like his Royal High- nefs mightily; he's a polite, pretty, well-bred Gentleman but damn his Soup. Gov. Why, Sir, you eat as if you lik'd it. Cad. Lik'd it ! hey, egad, I would not eat another Mefs to be his Matter's prime Minifter; as bitter as Gall, and as black as my Hat; and there have I been fitting thefe two Hours with my legs under me 'till they are both as ^dead as a Herring. Cape. Your Dinner difpleas'd you ? Cad. Difpleas'd ! hey ! Look'e, Mr. Spright- ly, I'm mightily obliged to you for the Honour; but hold, hold, you (hall never perfuade me to be a Hobblinwijky again, if the great Cham of the Calmucks were to come over himfelf. Hey ! and what a damn'd Language hashe got ? Whee, haw, haw ! but you fpeak it very fluently. Gov. 1 was long relident in the Country. Cad. May be fo, but he feems to fpeak it better ; you have a foreign kind of an Accent, you don't found it through the Nofe fo well as he. Hey ! well Becky, what, and how have you entertain'd Mr. Cape ? Mrs. Cad. Oh ! here have been fine Doings fmce you have been gone. Cafe, So, now comes on the Storm, D 3 Cad. 38 ^AUTHOR. Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, what has been the Matter ? Mrs. Cad. Matter ! why the Devil is in the Poet, I think. Cad. The Devil ! hold. Mrs. Cad. Why here he has been making Love to me like bewitch'd. Cad. How, /which Way ? Mrs. Cad. Why fome on't was out of his Poetry, I think. Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, egad I believe he's a little mad -, this Morning he took me for King ^urnus, you; now who can tell, but this Af- ternoon he may take you for Queen Dido ? Mrs. Cad. And there he told me I was to run, and to double, and quat, and there he was to catch me, and all that. Cad. Hold, hold, catch you ? Mr. Cape, I take it very unkindly ; it was, d'ye fee, a very unfriendly Thing to make Love to Becky in my Abfence. Cape. But, Sir. Cad. And it was the more ungenerous, Mr. Cape, to take this Advantage, as you know me is but a fooliih Woman. Mrs. Cad. Ay, me ; who am but a foolifh Woman, Cape. But hear me. Cad. A poor ignorant, illiterate, poor Becky \ And for a Man of your Parts to attack^ Cape. There's no Gad, Hold, hold, ecod it is juft as if the Grand Signer, at the Head of his Janifaries to AUT. 39 Mrs. Cad. Hey ! what's that you fay, Dicky ; what, be I like a Chimney-fweeper ? Cad. Hey! hold, hold. Zounds! no,Bec&; hey ! no : That's only by Way of Simile, to let him fee I underftand your Tropes, and Figures^ as well as himfelf, egad ! and therefore Spri. Nay, but Mr. Cadwallader Cad. Don't mention it, Mr. Sprightly, he is the firft Poet I" ever had in my Houfe, except the Bellman for a Chriftmas-box. Spri. Good Sir. Cad. And hold, hold j I am refolved he {hall be the laft. Spri. I have but one Way to filence him. Cad. And let me tell you Spri. Nay, Sir, if I muft tell him ; he owes his Reception here to my Recommendation ; any abufe of your Goodnefs, any Breach of Hofpitality here, he is anfwerable to me for. Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, fo he is, ecod -, at him; give it him home. Spri. Ungrateful Monfter ! and is this your Return for the open, generous Treatment * Mrs, Cad. As good fry'd Cow-heel, with a roaft Fowl and Saulages, as ever came toa Table. Cad. Hum, Beck, hum ! Spri. And cou'd you find no other Object, but Mr. Cadwallader; a Man, perhaps, pofTefs'd of a Genius fuperior to your own Cad. If I had had a Univerfity Education Spri. And of a Famity as old as the Creation. Cad. Older ; Beck, fetch the Pedigree. Spri. Thus far relates to this Gentleman ; but now, Sir, what Apology can you make me, who was your PafTport, your Security ? D 4 Cad. 40 T 'be A U T PJ O R. Cad. Zounds, none ; fight him, Spri. Fight him ? CW. Ay, do; I'd fight him myfelf, if I had not had the Meafles laft Winter ; but Hay till I get out of the Room. Spri. No, he's fure of a Protection here, the Prefence of the Ladies. Cad. Pfliaw, Pox ! they belong to the Far mily, never mind them. Spri. Well, Sir, are you dumb ? No Excufe? No Palliation ? Cad. Ay, no Palliation ? Mrs. Cad. Ay, no Tribulation ? It's a Shame, fo it is, Cape. When I have leave to fpeak- Cad. Speak ! what the -Devil can you fay ? Cape. Nay, Sir Spri. Let's hear him, Mr. Cadwallader, how- ever, Cad. Hold, hold ; come, begin then. Cape. And firft to you Mr. Sprightly, as you feen moft interested ; pray does this Charge correfpond with any other Aftipn of my Life, fince I have had the honour to know you ? Spri. Indeed, I can't fay that I recollect, bu,t ftill as the Scholiafts fays Nemo, repente fuit turpijimus. Cad. Hold, hold, what's that? Spri. Why, that is as much as to fay, thjs is bad epough. Mrs.. Cad. By Gom ! and fo it is. Cad. Ecod, and fo it is : Speak a little more Latin to him; if I had been bred at the Uni- yerfity, -you ihpu'd have jt both Sides of yoqr Ears. We A U T H O R. 41 Cape. A little Patience, Gentlemen ; now, to you ; you were pleafed yourfelf to drop a few Hints of your Lady's Weaknefs; might not (he take too ferioufly, what was meant as a mere Matter of Merriment ? Cad. Hey! hold, hold, Spri. A paltry Excufe ; can any Woman be fuch a F.ool as not to know when a Man has a Deiign upon her Perfon ? Cad. Anfwer that Mr. Cape, hey ! Anfwer that, Cape. I can only anfwer for the Innocency of my own Intentions ; may not your Lady, apprehenfive of my becoming too great a Fa- vourite, contrive this Charge with a View of ideftroying the Connexion Spri. Connexion ! Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, Connexion. Spri. There's fomething in that Cad. Hey ! is there? Hold, hold, hey! egad, he is right: ^You're right, Mr. Cape\ hold, Becky, my Dear, how the Devil cou'd you be fo wicked, hey ! Child ; ecod, hold, hold, how could you have the Wickedriefs to attempt fo deftroy the Connexion ? Mrs. Cad. I don't know what you fay. Cad. D'ye hear ? You are an Incendiary, but you have mifs'd your Point ; the Connexion {hall be only the ftronger : My dear Friend, I beg ten thoufand Pardons, I \yas too hafty -, but jecod, Becky's to blame. Cape. The Return of your Favour has ef- faced every other Impreffion. There's a goocj-natured Creature! Cape, 42 We A U T H O R. Cape. But if you have the leaft Doubts re- maining, this Lady, your Sifter, I believe, will do me the Juilice to own Mrs. Cad. Ay, afk my Fellow, if I -be a Thief. Cad. What the Devil is Becky at now ? Mrs. Cad. She's as bad as he. Cad. Bad as he? Hey! how; what the Devil, flhe did not make Love tc you too ? Stop, hey ! hold, hold, hold. Mrs. Cad. Why no, Foolifh, but you are al- Hvays running on with your Riggmonrowles, and won't ftay to hear a Body's Story out. Cad. Well, Beck, come let's have it. Mrs. Cad. Be quiet then ; why, as I was telling you, firft he made Love to me, and wanted me to be a Hare. Cad. A Hare ! hold, ecod, that was whim- fical; a Hare ! hey! oh ecod, that might be becaufe he thought you a little hair-brain'd al- Teady : Becky, a damn'd good Story. Well, Beck t go on, let's have it out. Mrs. Cad. No, I won't tell you no more, fo I won't. Cad. Nay, prythee, Beck. Mrs. Cad. Hold your Tongue then : And fo there he was going on with his Nonfenfe, and fo in come our Bell; and fo Cad. Hold, hold, Becky; damn yourSo's; go on, Child, but leave out your So's ; its a ! ow hold, hold, vulgar -but go on, Mrs. Cad. Why how can I go on, when you .flop me every Minute ? Well, and then our 'Bell came in and interrupted him, and me* The A U T H O R. 43 methought Ihe looked very frumpifti] and jealous. Cad. Well. Mrs. Cad. And fo \ went out and liflen'd. Cad. So, what you ftaid and liften'd ? Mrs. Cad. No ; I tell you upon my flaying, (he went out; no upon my going out, me {laid. Cad. This is a damn'd blind Story, but go on, Beck. Mrs. Cad. And then at firfl me fcolded him roundly for making Love to me ; and then he faid as how me advifed him to it ; and then (he faid no j and then he faid Cad. Hold, hold ; we (hall never understand all thefe He's and She's ; this may all be very true, Beck, but, hold, hold; as I hope to be faved, thpu art the worft Teller of a Story Mrs. Cad. Well, I have but a Word more ; and then he faid as how I was a great Fool. Cad. Not much miftaken in that. ( ' Afide.) Mrs. Cad. And that he wou'd not have flay'd with Me a Minute, but to pave the Way to the Poffeffion of She. Cad. Well, Beck, well ? Mrs. Cad. Andfo that's all. , Cad. Make Love to Her, in Order to get PoffefTion of You ? Mrs. Cad. Love to Me, in order to get She. Cad. Hey ! Oh, now I begin to underfland. Hey! What's this true, Bell ? Hey! Hold, hold, hold; ecod, I begin to fmoke, hey ! Mr. Cape ? Cape, How (hall I ad ? Ret, Own jt, Sir, J have a Reafon, Cad, 44 A U T H O R. Cad. Well, what fay you, Mr. Cape ? Let's have it, without Equivocation ; or, hold, hold, hold, mental Reservation. Guilty, or not ? Cape. Of what, Sir ? Cad. Of what? Hold, hold, of making Love to Bell. Cape. Guilty. Cad. Hey ! how ? Hold, Zounds ! No, what not with an Intention to marry her ? Cape. With the Lady's Approbation, and your kind Confent. Cad. Hold, hold, what my Confent to mar- ry You ? Cape. Ay, Sir". . Cad. Hold, hold, hold, what our Bdl? To mix the Blood of the Cadwalladers with the Puddle of a Poet? Cape. Sir? Cad. A petty, paltry, ragged, rhiming - Sfri. But Mr. - Cad. A fcribbling, hold, hold, hold- -- . Garretteer ? that has no more Cloaths than Backs, np more Heads than Hats, and no Shoes to his Feet, Spri. Nay, but - Cad. The Offspring of a Dunghill ! Born in # Cellar, hold, hold, and living in a Garret $ a Fungus, a Muftiroom. Cape. Sir, my Family-* Cad. Your Family! Hold, hold, hold, Peter, fetch the Pedigree; I'll fhew you - Your Family ! a little obfcure-- -hold, hold, I don't believe you ever -had a Grandfather, Enfer A U T H O R. 45 Enter PETER W//6 the Pedigree. There it is ; there -, Peter, help me to ftretch it out : There's feven Yards more of Lineals, betides three of Collaterals, that I expect next Monday from the Herald's Office ; d'ye fee, Mr. Sprightly ? Spri. Prodigious ! Cad. Nay, but look'e, there's Welch Princes, and Ambafladors, and Kings of Scotland, and Members of Parliament : Hold, hold, ecod, I no more mind an Earl or a Lord in my Pedi- gree, hold, hold, than Kouli Khan vyou'd a Serjeant in the Train'd Bands. Spri. An amazing Defcent ! Cad. Hey, is it not ? And for this low, loufy Son of a Shoe-maker, to talk of Families hold, hold, get out of my Houfe. Rob. Now is your Time, Sir. Cad. Mr. Sprightly, turn him out. Gov. Stop, Sir, I have a Secret to difclofe, that may make you alter your Intentions. Cad. Hold, hold : how, Mr. Interpreter ? Gov. You are now to regard that young Man in a very different Light, and confider him as my Son. Cape. Your Son, Sir ? Gov. In a Moment, George, the Myfleries fhal; be explain'd. Cad. Your Son ? Hold, hold ; and what then ? . Gov. Then ! Why then he is no longer the Scribbler, the Mufti room you have described, but of Birth and Fortune equal to your own. Cad. 46 We A U T H O R. Cad. What! the Son of -an Interpreter equal to Me ! A Fellow that trudges about, teaching of Languages to foreign Counts ! Gov. A Teacher of Languages ! Cad. Stay ; ecod, a Runner to Monfieurs and Marquifles ! Sfri. You are miftaken, Sir. Cad. A Jack-pudding ! that takes FilHps on the Nofe for Six-pence a Piece ! Hold, hold, ecod, give me Eighteen-pennyworth, and Change for half a Crown. Gov. Stop, when you are well. Cad. A Spunger at other Men's Tables! that has Jallop put into his Beer, and his Face black'd at Chriftmas for the Diverfion of Children ! Gov. I can hold no longer. 'Sdeath, Sir; who is it you dare treat in this Manner ? Cad. Hey ! Zounds, Mr. Sprightly, lay hold of him. Spri. Calm your Choler. Indeed, Mr. Cad- wal/ader, nothing cou'd excufe your Behaviour to this Gentleman, but your miftaking his Perfon. Cad. Hold, hold. Is not he Interpreter to Spri. No. Cad. Why did not you tell Spri. That was a Miftake. This Gentle- man is the Prince's Friend ; and, by a long Refidence in the Monarch's Country, is per- fect Matter of the Language. Cad. But who the Devil is he then ? Spri. He is Mr. Cape, Sir; a Man of un- blemilh'd Honour, capital Fortune, and late Governor of one of our moft confiderable Set- tlements. Cad. A U T H O R. 47 Cad. Governor ! Hold, hold, and how came you Father to hey ! Gov. By marrying his Mother. Cape. But how am I to regard this ? Gov. As a folemn Truth ; that foreign Friend, to whom you owe your Education, was no other than myfelf ; I had my Reafons, perhaps capricious ones, for concealing this; but now they ceafe, and I am proud to own my Son. Cape. Sir ; it is not for me (kneeling.) but if Gratitude, Duty filial* Gov. Rife, my Boy ; I have ventured far to fix thy Fortune, George ; but to find thee wor- thy of it, more than o'erpays my Toil; the Reft of my Story ihall be referved till we are alone. Cad. Hey ! Hold, hold, hold ; ecod, a good fenfible old Fellow this , but, hark'e, Sprightly, I have made a damn'd Blunder here : Hold, hold, Mr. Governor, I aflc ten thoufand Par- dons; but who the Devil cou'd have thought that the Interpreter to Prince Potowowjky Gov. Oh, Sir you have in your Power fuf- ficient Means to atone for the Injuries done us both. Cad. Hold, how ? Gov. By bellowing your Sifter, with, I flat- ter myfelf, no great Violence to her Incli- nations, here. Cad. What, marry Bell? Hey ! Hold, hold; Zounds, Bell, take him, do; 'ecod, he is a good likely hey ! Will you ? Arab. A U T H O R. Arab. I (han't difobey you, Sir. Cad. Shan't you ? 1 hat's right. Who the Devil knows but he may come to be a Governor himfelf; hey! Hold, hold ; come here then, give me your Hands both; (Joins their Hands.) There, there, the Bufinefs is done : And now, Brother Governor Gov. And now, Brother Cadwallader. Cad. Hey, Beck! Here's fomething new for my Pedigree; we'll pop in the Governor to-morrow. Mrs. Cad. Hark'e, Mr. Governor, can you give me a black Boy and a Monkey ? Cad. Hey ! Ay, ay, you (hall have a black Boy, and a Monkey, and a Parrot too, Beck. Spri. Dear George, I am a little late in my Congratulations ; but Gov. Which if he is in acknowledging your difinterefted Friendship, I (hall be forry I ever own'd him, Now, Robin, my Cares are over, and my Wimes full ; and if George remains as untainted by Affluence, as he has been un- tempted by Diftrefs, I have given the Poor a Protedor, his Country an Advocate, and the World a Friend. (Exeunt Omnes. FINIS. THE ENGLISHMAN RETURNED FROM PARIS. BEING THE SEQUEL TO THE ENGLISHMAN IN PARIS, A FARCE. IN TWO ACTS. As performed at &eatre0 Bopal in Drurp-'Hane ana By SAMUEL FOOfE, Efq. A NEW EDITION. L N D ON: PRINTED FOR W. LOWNDES, N? 77, FLEET-STREET. M,DCC,LXXXVIII. Price One Shilling. PROLOGUE. SPOKEN By Mr. FOOT . QF all the pajjions that po/efs mankind, The love of novelty rules mofl the mind, In fearch of this, from realm to "realm e we roam. Our fleets come fraught with every folly home. From Lybias deferts hoftile brutes advance, And dancing dogs in droves Jkip here from France, From Latian lands gigantic forms appear, Striking our Britijh breafts vjith awe and fear, As once the Lilliputians Gulliver, Not only objetts that affefl the fight, In foreign arts and artifts iue delight, Near to that fpot vuhere Charles beftrides a Tyorfe t In humble profe the place is Charing Crofs j Clofe by the margin of a kennel's Jide, A dirty difmal entry opens voide, There with hoarfe voice, check Jbirt, and callous hand, Duff's Indian Englijh trader take's his ftand, Surveys each pajjenger vuith curious eyes, And nijiic Roger falls an eafy prize ; Here's China porcelain that Chelfea yields, And India handkerchiefs from Spitalfields. With Turkey carpets that from Wilton came, AndSfranijb tucks and blades from Birmingham, Faftors are forced to favour this deceit, And Englijh goods are fmuggled thro' the Jl reef. The rude to polijb, and the fair to pleafe, The hero of to-night has crofs'd thefeas, A 2 iv PROLOGUE. He dares demand protefthn, Jirs, from you. 3 Dramatis Perfonae. At COGENT-GARDEN. BUCK Mr. Foote. CRA^ Mr. Sparks. LORD JOHN Mr. White. MACRUTHEN Mr. Shuter. RACKET Mr. Cufhing. TALLYHOE . Mr. Cojlallo. LATITAT ' Mr. Dunflall. SERGEON Mr. Wignel. LUCINDA Mrs. Bellamy. La Jonquil, La Loire, Bearnois, and Servants. THE ENGLISHMAN RETURNED FROM PARIS. A G T I. Crab discovered reading. dND I do con/litute my -very good friend, Giles Crab, efq. of St. Martin in the Fields, executor to this my -will ; and do appoint him guardian to my ward Lucinda ; and do Jubmit to his direction, the management of all my affairs, till the return of my fan from his travels ; whom I do intreat my /aid executor in conjideration of our ancient friend/hip , to admfe, to counfel, &c. Gc. John Buck< A good, pretty legacy ! Let's fee, I find myfelf heir, by this generous devife of iny very good friend, to ten actions at common law, nine fuits in chancery, the conduct of a boy, bred a booby at home, and finifhed a fop abroad ; together with the direction of a marriageable, and therefore an unmanageable wench ; and all this to an old fellow of fixty-fix, who heartily hates bufinefs, is tired of the world, and defpifes every thing in it. Why how the devil came I to merit A 4 Enter 8 THE ENGLISHMAN Enter Servant. Ser. Mr. Latitat, of Staples Inn. Crab. So, here begin my plagues. Shew the hound in. Enter Latitat, with a bag, &c. Lat. I would, Mr. Crab, have attended your fummons immediately, but I was obliged to fign judgment in error at the Common Pleas ; fue out of the Exchequer a writ of qur old acquaint- ance Lucinda. Buck. Ha, ha, la petite Lucinde ! & comment. Crab. Prithee, peace, and hear me. She is bequeathed conditionally, that if you refufe to marry her, twenty thoufand pounds ; and if fhe rejects you, which I fuppofe fhe will have the wifdom to do. only five. Buck. Reject me ! Very probable, hey, Mac! But could we not have an entreviie ? Crab. Who's there ? Let Luanda know we ex- peel her. Mac. Had na' ye better, Sir Charles, equip yourfelf in a more fuitable garb, upon a firft vifit to your miftrefs ? Crab. Oh, fuch a figure and addrefs can derive no advantage from drefs. Buck. Serviieur. But, however, Mac's hint may not be fo mal a propos. Allom, Jonquil, jc men vais m'habiller. Mi Lor, fhall I trefpafs upon your patience ? My toilet is but the work of ten minutes. Mac, difpofe of my domeftics a leur ai/e, and then attend me with my portfeuiile, and read, while I drefs, thofe remarks I made in my lait voyage from Fontainbleau to Compeigne. Serviteur. Mcflieurs ; Car ie bon vin Du matin Sortant du tonneau, Vaut bien mieux que Le Latin J)c toutc la Sorbonne. [Exit. B 4 Crab. 2 4 THE ENGLISHMAN Crab. This is the moft confummate coxcomb f I told the fool of a father, what a puppy Paris would produce him ; but travel is the word, and the confequence, an importation of every foreign folly : and thus the plain perfons and principles of old England, are fo confounded and jumbleo? with the excrementitious growth of every climate, that we have loft all our ancient characleriftic, and are become a bundle of contradictions; a piece of patch-work ; a mere harlequin's coat. Ld. J. Do you fuppofe then, fir, that no good may be obtained Crab. Why, prithee, what have you gained ? Ld. J. I fhould be forry my acquifitions were to determine the debate. But do you think, fir, the making off fome native qualities, and the being made more fcnfible, from comparifon of certain national and conftitutional advantages, objefts unworthy the attention ? Crab. You fhew the favourable fide, young man : but how frequently are fubftituted for na-r tional prepofleflions, always harmlefs. and often happy, guilty and unnatural prejudices ! Unnatu- ral ! For the wretch who is weak and wicked enough to defpife his country, fins againft the moft laudable laws of nature ; he is a traitor to j.the community, where providence has placed him ; and fhould be denied thofe focial benefits he has rendered himfelf unworthy to partake. But fen- tentious leclures are ill calculated for your time of life. ,Ld- J' I differ from you here, Mr. Crab, Prin- ciples that call for perpetual practice, cannot be too foon received. I fincerely thank you, fir, for this communication, and fhould be happy to have always near me fc moral a monitor, Crab. RETURNED FROM PARIS. 25 Crab. You are indebted to France for her flat- tery. But I leave you with a lady, where it will be better employed. Enter Lucinda. Crab. This young man waits here, till your puppy is powdered. You may afk him after your French acquaintance. I know nothing of him; but he does not feem to be altogether fo great a fool as your fellow. [Exit. Luc. I'm afraid, fir, you have had but a dif- agreeable tete-a-tete. Ld. y. Juft .the contrary, madam. By good fenfe, tinged with fingularity, we are entertained as well as improved. For a lady, indeed, Mr. Crab's manners are rather too rough. Luc. Not a jot ; I am familiarized to 'em, I know his integrity, and can never be difobliged by his fincerity. Ld. y. This declaration is a little particular, from a lady who muft have received her firft im- preffions in a place remarkable for its delicacy to the fair-fex. But good fenfe can conquer even early habits. Luc. This compliment I can lay no claim to. The former part of my life procured me but very little indulgence. The pittance of knowledge I poflefs, was taught me by a very fevere miftrefs, adverfity. But you, fir, are too well acquainted with Sir Charles Buck, not to have known my fitu- ation. Ld. y. I have heard your ftory, madam, be- fore I had the honour of feeing you. It was af- fe&ing : you'll pardon the declaration ; it now i'nterefting. However, it is impoflible I {hould 26 THE ENGLISHMAN fhould not congratulate you on the near approach of the happy cataftrophe. Luc. Events that depend upon the will of ano- ther, a thoufand unforefeen accidents may in- terrupt. Ld. J. Could I hope, madam, your prefent critical condition would acquit me of temerity, I mould take the liberty to prefume, if the fuit of Sir Charles be rejected Enter Crab. Crab. So, Youngfter ! what I fuppofe you are already praBifing one of your foreign leflons. Perverting the affections of a friend's miftrefs, or debauching his wife, are mere peccadilloes, in modern morality. But at prefent you are my care. That way conduces you to your fellow- traveller. [Exit. Ld. J.] I would fpeak with you in the library. [Exit. Luc. 1 mail attend you, fir. Never was fo un- happy an interruption. What could my lord mean ? But be it what it will, it ought not, it cannot concern rr.e. Gratitude and duty demand my compliance with the dying wifh of my bene- factor, my friend, my father. But am I then to facrifice all my future peace ? But reafon- not, rafh girl ; obedience is thy province. Tho hard the tajk, be it my fart io prove That f onetimes duty can give laws to love. [Exit. ACT RETURNED FROM PARIS. 47 ACT II. Buck at his Toilet, attended by three Valets de Chambre and Macruthen. Mac. 'VI Otwithftanding aw his plain dealing, ! ^ I doubt whether Maifter Crab is fo honeft a man. Buck. Prithee, Mac, name not the monfter. If I may be permitted a quotation from one of their paltry poets, Who is knight of theJJiire reprefmts 'em all. Did ever mortal fee fuch mirroirs, fuch looking- glafs as they have here too ! One might as well addrefs onefelf, for information, to a bucket of water. La Jonquil, mettez TJVUS le rouge, ajjez. Eh bien, Mac, miferable I Hey ! Mac. It's very becoming. Buck. Aye, it will do for this place ; I really could have forgiven my father's living a year or two longer, rather than be compelled to return to this [Enter Ld. John] My dear Lord, j'e demande mille pardons, but the terrible fracas in my chaife has fo gatetd and difordered my hair, that it required an age to adjuft it. Ld. y. No apology, Sir Charles, I have been entertained very agreeably. Buck. Who have you had, my dear Lord, to entertain you ? Ld. J. The very individual lady that's foon to make you a happy hufband. Buck. 28 THE ENGLISHMAN Buck. A happy who ? hufband ! What two very oppofite ideas confounded enfemble ! In my confcience, I believe there's contagion in the clime, and my Lor is infe&ed. But pray, my dear Lor, by what accident have you difcovered, that I was upon the. point of becoming that happy Oh, un mart ! Diable ? Ld. J. The lady's beauty and merit, your in- clinations, and your father's injunctions, made nic conjecture that. Buck,. And can't you fuppofe that the lady's beauty may be poflefs'd, her merit rewarded, and my inclinations gratified, without an abfoluie obe- dience to that fatherly injunction ? Ld. J. It does not occur to me. Buck. No, I believe not, my Lor. Thofe kind of talents are not given to every body. Donnez moi mon manchon. And now you mall fee me manage the lady. Enter Servant. Ser. Young S.quire Racket, and Sir TobyTallyhoc, who call themfelves your honour's old acquaint- ances. Buck Oh the brutes ! By what accident could they difcover my arrival ! My dear, dear Lor, aid me to efcape this Lmbarras. Racket and Tally hoe without. Hoic a boy, hoic a boy. Buck. Let me die if 1 do not believe the Hot- tentots' have brought a whole hundred of hounds with them. But they fay, forms keep fools at a diftance. I'll receive 'eni en ceremonie. Enttr RETURNED FROM PARIS. 29 Enter Racket and Tallyhoe. Tally. Hey boy, hoix, my little Buck. Buck. Monjieur Ic Chevalier, votrc tres humble ferviteur. Tally. Hey. Buck. Monjieur Racket, je fids charms de wus voir. Rack. Anon what ! Buck. Ne m'entendtz vous? Don't you under- ftand French ? Rack. Know French! No, nor you neither, I think, Sir Toby, foregad I believe the papiftes ha bewitch'd him in foreign parts. Tally. Bewitch'd and transformed him too. Let me perifh, Racket, if I don't think he's like one of the folks we ufed to read of at fchool, in Ovid's Metamorphis ; and that they have turned him into a beaft. Rack. A beaft! No, a bird, you fool. Lookee, Sir Toby, by the Lord Harry, here are his wings. Tally. Hey ! ecod and fo they are, ha, ha. I reckon, Racket, he came over with the wood- cocks. Buck. Voila des veritables Anglois. The ruftic rude ruffians ! Rack. Let us fee what the devil he has put upon his pole, Sir 'Toby. Tally. Aye. Buck. Do, dear Savage, keep your diftance. Tally. JSay, fore George we will have a fcru- tiny. Rack. Aye, aye, a fcrutiny. Buck, bn grace. La Jonquil, my Lor, protect me from thefe py rates. 3 o THE ENGLISHMAN Ld. J. A little companion, I beg. gentlemen. Confider, Sir Charles is on a vifit to his bride. Tally. Bride ! Zounds, he's fitter for a band- box. Racket, hocks the heels. Rack. I have 'em, knight. Foregad he is the very reverfe of a bantam cock ; his comb's on his feet, and his feathers on his head. Who have we got here ! What are thefe fellows, paftry-cooks ? .Enter Crab. Crab. And is this one of your newly acquired accomplifhments, letting your miftrefs languifh for a but you have company, I fee. Buck. O, yes, I have been inexpreffibly happy. Thefe gentlemen are kind enough to treat me, upon my arrival, with what I believe they call in this country, a rout. iMy dear l.or, if you don't favour my flight. But fee if the toads a'n't tumb- ling my toilet. Ld. J. Now's your time, fteal off; I'll cover your retreat. Ruck. Mac, let La Jonquil follow to re-fettle my cheveux. Je vous remercie jmille, milk Jbis, mon cher my 1 or. Rack. Hola, Sir Toby, ftole away ! Eu-k. mon Dieu. Tally. Poh, rot him, let him alone. He'll never .do for our purpofe. You muft know we intend to kick up a riot, to-night, at the play- houfe. and we wanted him of the party; but that fop would fwoon at the iight of a cudgel. Ld. *j. Pray, fir, what is your caufe of con- tention ? Tally. Caufe of contention, hey, faith. I know nothing of the matter. }facfl f what is it we are angry about ? Racket. RETURNED FROM PARIS. 31 Racket. Angry about ! Why you know we are to demolifli the dancers. Tally. True, true, I had forgot. Will you make one ? Ld. J. I beg to be excufed. Rack. May hap you are a friend to the French. Ld. y. Not I, indeed fir. But if the occa/ion will permit me a pun, tho' I am far from being a well-wifher to their arms, I have no objection to the being entertained by their legs. Tally. Aye ! Why then if you'll come to-night, you'll fplit your fides with laughing, for I'll be rot if we don't make them caper higher, and run fafter, than ever they have done fince the battle of Blenheim. Come along, Racket. [Exit. Ld. J. Was there ever fuch a contraft ? Crab. Not fo remote as you imagine ; they are fcions from the fame ftock, fet in different foils. The firft fhtub, you fee, flowers moft prodigally, but matures nothing; the laft flip, tho' ftunted, bears a little fruit ;. crabbed, 'tis true, but (till the growth of the clime. Come, you'll follow your friend. [Exeunt. Enter Lucinda, with a Servant. Luc. When Mr. Crab, or Sir Charles, enquire for me; you will conduct them hither [Exit. Serv.^\ How I long for an end to this important inter- view ! Not that I have any great expectations from the iflfue ; but ftill, in my circumltances, a ftate of fufpence is, of all fituations ; the moft dif- agrceable. But hufh, they come. Enter 32 THE ENGLISHMAN Enter Sir Charles, Macruthen, Ld. John, and Crab. Buck. Mac, announce me. Mac. Madam, Sir Charks Buck craves the ho- nour of kifling your hand. Buck. Tres humble fe wtcur. Et comment fe porte Mademoifelle. I am ravifhed to fee thee, ma chere fetite Lucinde. Eh bien, ma reine ! Why you look divinely, child. But, mon enfant, they h-j.ye drefs'd you mod diabolically. Why, what a coijftufe muft you have, and, oh mon Dieu, a total abfence of rouge. But, perhaps, you are out. 1 had a cargo from Dejfreney the day of my departure ; Jhall I have the honour to fupply you ? Luc. You are obliging, fir, but I confefs myfelf a convert to the chaite cuftoms of this country, and, with a commercial people, you known, fir Charles, all artifice Buck. Artifice! You miflake the point, ma chere. A proper proportion of red, is an indif- penfible part of your drefs ; and, in my private opinion, a woman might as well appear, in public, without powder, or a petticoat. Crab. And, in my private opinion, a woman, who puts on the firft, would make very little diffi- culty in pulling of the laft. Buck. Oh, Monfieur Crab's judgment muft be decifive in drefs. Well, and what am u Cements, what ipeftacles, what parties, what contrivances, to conquer father time, that foe to the fair ? I fancy one muft ennuier conjiderablcmcnt in your London here. Luc. Oh, we are in no diftrefs for diverfions. We have an opera. Buck. RETURNED FROM PARIS. 33 Buck. Italien, I fuppofe, pitoidble, fhocking, affbmmant ! Oh, there is no fupporting their hi, hi, hi, hi. Ah, mon Dieu ! Ah, chaffs brSlant Jokil> Brillant foleil, A-t-on jamah veu ton par til ? There's mufic and melody. " Luc. What a fop ! Suck. But proceed, ma princeffe. Luc. Oh, then we have plays. Buck. That I deny, child. Luc. No plays ! Buck. No. Luc. The aflertion is a little whimfical. Buck. Aye that may be ; you have here dra- matic things, farcical in their competition, and ridiculous in their reprefentation. Luc. Sir, I own myfelf unequal to the contro- verfy ; but, furely Shakfpeare My Lord, this fubjecl: calls upon you for its defence. Crab. I know from what fountain this fool has drawn his remarks ; the author of the Chinefe Or- phan, in the preface to which Mn Voltaire calls the principal works of Shakfpeare, monftrous farces. Ld. J. Mr. Crab is right, madam. Mr. Vol- taire has ftigmatized with a very unjuft and a very invidious appellation the principal works of that great mailer of the paflions ; and his apparent motive renders him the more inexcufable. Luc. What could it be, my Lord ? Ld. J. The preventing his countrymen from becoming acquainted with our author; that he might be at liberty to pilfer from him, with the greater fecurity. Luc. Ungenerous, indeed! uck. Palpable defamation, C Lvc. 34 THE ENGLISHMAN Luc. And as to the exhibition, I have been taught to believe, that for a natural pathetic, and a fpirited expreflion, no people upon earth Sack. You are impofed upon, child ; the will be but fo obliging, as pub- licly to renounce us. I dare engage not one of your countrymen mall contradict, or claim you. Buck. No ! Impoffible. From the barbarity of my education, I muft ever be taken for un Anglois. Crab. Never. Buck. Enmrite? Crab. En i) trite. Buck. You flatter me. * A coffee-houfe oppofite the French comedy, whr the wits alfemble every evening. C 2 Crab. 3 6 THE ENGLISHMAN Crab. But common juftice. Mac. Nay, maifter Crab is in the right, for I have often" heard the French themfelves fay, Is it poffible that gentleman can be Briti/h ? Buck. Obliging creatures ! And you concur with them. Crab. Entirely. Luc. Entirely. Ld. J. Entirely. Ruck. How happy you make me ! Crab. Egregious puppy ! But we lofe time. A truce to this trumpery. You have read your father's will. Buck. No ; I read no Engli/Ji. When Mac has turned it into French, I may run over the items. Crab. I have told you the part that concerns the girl. And as your declaration upon it will dif- charge me, I leave you to what you will call an ecdaircij/ement. Come, my Lord. Buck. Nay, but Monfieur Crab, my Lor, Mac. Crab. Along with us. [Exit. Buck. A comfortable fcrape I am in ! What the deuce am I to do ? In the language of the place, I am to make love, I fuppofe. A. pretty employment ! Luc. I fancy my hero is a little puzzled with his part. But, now for it. Buck. A queer creature, that Crab, ma petite. But, a propos, How d'ye like my Lord. Luc. He feems to have good fenfe and good breeding. Buck. Pas trop. But don't you think he has fomething of a foreign kind of air about him ? Luc. Foreign ? Biick. Aye, fomething fo Engli/h in his manner. Luc. RETURNED FROM PARIS. 37 Luc. Foreign, and Engli/h ! I don't compre- hend you. Buck. Why that is, he has not the eafe, thcjc ne fcai quoi, the bon ten. In a word, he does not referable me now. nt ? ; Luc. Not in the leaft. Buck. Ah, I thought fo. He is to be pitied, poor devil, he can't help it. But, entrc nous, ma chere, the fellow has a fortune. Luc. How does that concern me, Sir Charles ? Buck. Why, je penfe, ma rtine, that your eyes have done execution there. Luc. My eyes execution ! Buck. Aye, child, is there any thing fo extra- ordinary in that ? Mafoi, I thought by the vi- vacity of his praife, that he had already fum- moned the garrifbn to furrender. Luc. To carry on the allufion, I believe my Lord is too good a commander, to commence a fruitlefs fiege He could not but know the con- dition of the town. Buck. Condition ! Explain, ma chere. Luc. I was in hopes your interview with Mtf Crab had made that unneceflary. Buck. Ch, aye, I do recollect fomething of a ridiculous article about marriage, in a will. But what a plot againft the peace of two poor people ! Well, the malice of fome men is amazing ! Not contented with doing all the mifchief they "can in their life, they are for intailing their malevo- lence, like their eftates, to latell pofterity. Luc. Your contempt of me, Sir Charles, I re- ceive, as a compliment. But the infinite obliga- tions I owe to the man, who had the misfortune to call you fon, compel me to infift, that in my C 3 prefence, 3 8 THE ENGLISHMAN pretence, at leaft, no indignity be offered to his memory. Buck. Heydey ! What, in heroics, ma reinc I Luc. Ungrateful, unfilial wretch ! fo foon to trample on his afhes, whofe fond heart, the greateft load of his laft hours were his fears for thy future welfare. Buck. Ma foi t elk cjl folk, me is mad, fans doute. Luc. But I am to blame. Can he who breaks through one facred relation, regard another? Can the monfter who is corrupt enough to con- temn the place of his birth, reverence thofe who gave him being ? impoflible. Buck. Ah, a pretty monologue, a fine foliloquy this, child. Luc. Contemptible. But I am cool. Buck. I am mighty glad of it. Now we mall underftand one another, I hope. Luc. We do underftand one another. You have already been kind enough to refufe me. ^Jothing is wanting but a formal rejection under your hand, and fo concludes our acquaintance. Buck. Vous allez trcp vite, you- are to quick, ma chtre. If I recollect, the confequence of this rejection is my paying you twenty thoufan4 pounds,. Luc. True. Buck. Now that have not I the leaft inclination to do. Luc. No, fir ? Why you own that marriage Buck. Is my averfion. I'll give you that under my hand, if you pleafe but I have a prodigious love for the Louis'. Luc. Oh, we'll foon fettle that difpute ; the law fuel. RETURNED FROM PARIS. 39 Buck. But, hold, ma reine. I don't find that my provident father has precifely determined the time of this comfortable conjunction. So, tho' I am condemned, the day of execution is not fixed. Luc. Sir ! Buck. I fay, my foul, there goes no more to your dying a maid, than my living a batchqlor. Luc. O, fir, I fhall find a remedy. Buck. But now fuppofe, ma belle, I have found one to your hand ? Luc. As how ? Name one, Buck. I'll name two. And firft, mon enfant tho' I have an irrefiftable antipathy to the conju- gal knot, yet I am by no means blind to your per-* fonal charms ; in the pofleflion of which, if you, pleafe to place me, not only the aforefaid twenty thoufand pounds, but the whole terrc of your de- voted fhall fall at your Luc. Grant me patience. ofo Buck. Indeed you want it, my dear. But if you flounce, I fly. Luc. Quick, fir, your other. For this is Buck. 1 grant, not quite fo fafhionable as my other. It is then, in a word, that you would let this lubberly lord make you a lady, and appoint me his afMant, his private friend, his cicijbei. And as we are to be joint partakers of your per- fon, let us be equal fharers in your fortune, ma belle. Luc. Thou mean, abjeft, mercenary tbing.- Thy miftrefs ! Gracious heaven ! Univerfal em- pire fhould not bribe me to be thy bride. And what apology, what excufe could a woman of the leaft fenfe or fpirit make, for fo unnatural a con- nection ! C 4 BucL 40 THE ENGLISHMAN Buck. Fort bien, ! Luc. Where are thy attractions? Canft thou be weak enough to fuppofe thy frippery drefs, thy affectation, thy grimace, could influence beyond the borders of a brothel ? Buck. Tres bien ! Luc. And what are thy improvements ? Thy air is a copy from thy barber : For thy drefs, thou art indebted to thy taylor. Thou haft loft thy native language, and brought home none in ex- change for it. Buck* Extremement bien ! Luc. Had not thy vanity fo foon expofed thy villainy, I might, in reverence to that name, to which thou art a difgrace, have taken a wretched chance with thee for life. Buck. I am obliged to you for that. And a pretty pacific partner I fhould have had. Why, look'ee child, you have been, to be fure, very eloquent, and upon the whole, not unentertain- ing : tho' by the bye, you have forgot, in your catalogue, one of my foreign acquifitions j c'e/l-a^ dire, that I can, with a molt intrepid fang froid, without a fmgle emotion, fupport all this ftormof female fury. But, adieu, ma belle. And when a cool hour of reflection has made you fenfible of the propriety of my propofals, I ihall expect the honour of a card. Luc. Be gone for ever. Buck. Pour jamais ! Foregad fhe would make an admirable aftrefs. If I once get her to Paris, fhe mail p!ay a part in my piece. \_Exit. Luc. I am afhamed, this thing has had the power to move me thus. Who waits there ? Dear Mr. Crab . Enter RETURNED FROM PARIS. 41 Enter Lord John and Crab. Ld. J. We have been unwillingly, madam, filent witnefies to this fhameful fcene. I blufh that a creature, who wears the outward mark of hu- manity, fhould be in his morals fo much below.- Crab. Prithee why didft thou not call thy maids, and tofs the booby in a blanket ? Ld. J- If 1 might be permitted, madam, to conclude what I intended faying, when inter- rupted by Mr. Crab Luc. My lord, don't think me guilty of affec- tation. I believe, I guefs at your generous de- fign ; but my temper is really fo ruffled, befides I am meditating a piece of female revenge on this coxcomb. Ld. J. Dear madam, can I affift ? Luc. Only by defiring my maid to bring hi- ther the tea. My lord, I am confounded at the liberty, but Ld. J. No apology. You honour me, ma- dam. Crab. And prithee, wench, what is thy fcheme ? Luc. Oh, a very harmlefs one, I promHe you. Crab. Zounds, I am forry for it. I long to fee the puppy feverely punimed, methinks. Luc. Sir Charles, 1 fancy, can't be yet got out of the houfe. Will you defire him to ftep hither ? Crab. I'll bring him. '.f.' Luc. No, I wifh to have him alone, Crab. Why then I'll fend him. [Exit. Enter 42 THE ENGLISHMAN Enter Lettice. ^ Luc. Place thefe things on the table, a chair on each fide : very well. Do you keep within call. But hark, he is here. Leave me, Lettice. [Exit Lettice. Enter Buck. Suck. So, fo, I thought me would come to ; but, I confefs not altogether fo foon. Eh bien> ma belle, fee me ready to receive your commands- Luc. Pray be feated, Sir Charles. I am afraid the natural warmth of my temper might have hurried me into fome expreflions not altogether fo fuitable. Buck. Ah bagatelle. Name it not. Luc. foulez-vous du the, monfieur ? Buck. Volontiers. This tea is a pretty innocent kind of beverage ; I wonder the French don't take it. I have fome thoughts of giving it a fafhion next winter. Luc. That will be very obliging. It is of ex- treme fervice to the ladies this fide the water you know. Buck. True, it promotes parties, and infufes a kind of fpirit of converfation, and that Luc. En voulez-vous encore ? Buck. Je vous rends miile graces. But what has occafioned me, mareine, the honour of your mef- fage by Mr. Crab ? Luc. The favours I have received from your family, Sir Charles, I thought, demanded from me, at my quitting your houfe, a more decent, and ceremonious adieu, than our laft interview would admit of. RETURNED FROM PARIS. 43 Suck. Is that all, ma chtre? I thought your flinty heart had, at laft relented. Well, ma reinc, adieu. Luc. Can you then leave me ? Buck. The fates will have it fo. Luc. Go then, perfidious traitor, be gone ; I have this confolation, however, that If I cannot legally poflefs you, no other woman mail. Buck. Hey, how, what ? Luc. And tho' the pleafure of living with you is denied me, in our deaths, at leaft, we mail foon be united. Buck. Soon be united in death ? When, child ? Luc. Within this hour. Buck. Which way ? Luc. The fatal draught's already at my heart. I feel it here ; it runs thro' every pore. Pangs, pangs unutterable ! The tea we drank, urged by defpair and love Oh ! Buck. Well! Luc. I poifon'd. Buck. The devil! Luc. And as my generous heart would have mared all with you, I gave you half. Buck. Oh, curfe your generofrty ! Luc. Indulge me in the cold comfort of a laft embrace. Buck. Embrace ! O confound you ! But it mayn't be too late. Macruthcn, Jonquil ! phyfi- cians, apothecaries, oil and antidotes. Oh Ije mcurs, je meurs. Ah, la diableffe ! [Exit. Enter Lord John and Crab. Crab. A brave wench. I could kifs thee for this contrivance. 44 THE ENGLISHMAN Ld. J. He really deferves it all. Crab. Deferves it! Hang him. But the fenfible refentment of this girl has almoft reconciled me to the world again. But ftay, let us fee-^Can't we make a further ufe of tne puppy's punilhment? I fuppofe, we may very fafely depend on your contempt of him ? Lite. Moft fecurely. Crab. And this young thing here, has been breathing paffions and protections. But I 11 take care, my girl (ha'nt go a beggar to any man's bed. We muft have this twenty thoufand pound, Lucy. Ld. 7. I regard it not. Let me be happy, and let him be Crab. Pma, don't fcorch me with thy flames. Refcrve your raptures; or, if they muft have vent, retire into that room, whilft I go plague the puppy. \_Exeunt. Enter Buck, Macruthen, Jonquil, Bearnois, La Loire, Phyfician, Surgeon. Buck in a Cap and Night Gown. Surg. This copious phlebotomy will abate the inflammation, and if the' fix bliilers on your head and back rife, why there may be hopes. Buck. Cold comfort. I burn, I burn, I burn- Ah, there's a fhoot. And now, again, J freeze. Mac. Aye, they are fymptoms of a ftrong poi- fon. Buck. Oh, I am on the rack. Mac. Oh, if it be got to the vitals, a fig for aw antidotes. Enter Crab. Crab, Where is this mifarable devil ? What's he alive ftill ? Mac, RETURNED FROM PARIS. 45 Mac. In gude troth, and that's aw. Buck. Oh ! Crab. So you have made a pretty piece of work on't, young man ! Buck. O what could provoke me to return from Paris ? Crab. Had you never been there, this could not, have happened. Enter Racket and Tallyhoe. Rack. Where is he ? He's dead man, his eyes are fix'd already. Buck. Oh! Tall}'. Who poifon'd him, Racket ? Rack. Gad I don't know. His French cook, I reckon. Crab. Were there a poffibility of thy refor- mation, I have yet a fecret to reftore thee. Buck. Oh give it, give it. Crab. Not fo faft. It muft be on good con- ditions. Buck. Name 'em. Take my eflate, my fave but my life, take all. Crab. Firft then renounce thy right to that lady,, whofe juft refentment has drawn this punimment upon thee ; and, in which fhe is an unhappy partaker. Buck. I renounce her from my foul. Crab. To this declaration you are witnefTes.. Next, your tawdry trappings, your foreign fop- pery, your wafhes, paints, pomades, mult blaze before your door. Buck. What, all ? Crab. All; not a rag fh all be referved. The execution of this part of your fentence fliall be afligned to your old friends here. 4 6 THE ENGLISHMAN Suck. Well, take 'em. Tally. Huzza, come Racket, let's rummage, [Exeunt Racket and Tally hoe. Crab. And, laftly, I'll have thefe exotic at- tendants, thefe inftruments of your luxury, thefe panders to your pride, pack'd in the firft cart, and fent poft to the place from whence they came. Buck. Spare me but La Jonquil. Ciab. Not an inftant. The importation of thefe puppies makes a part of the politics of your old friends, the French ; unable to refift you, \vhilft you retain your ancient roughnefs, they have recourfe to thefe minions, who would firft, by unmanly means, fap and foften all your native fpirit, and then deliver you an eafy prey to their employers. Buck. Since then it muft be fo. adieu La Jon- quil. \_Exeunt Jonquil and Bearnois. Crab. And now to the remedy. Come forth, Lu;inda. Enter Lucinda and Lord John. Buck. Hey, why did not (he fwallow the poifon ? Crab. No ; nor you neither, you blockhead. Buck. "Why, did not I leave you in pangs ? Buc. Aye, put on. The tea was innocent, up- on my honour, Sir Charles. But you allow me to be an excellent a&refs. Buck. Oh, curfe your talents ! Crab. This fellow's public renunciation, has put your perfon and fortune in your own power : and if you were fincere in your declaration of being directed by me. beftow it there. Luc. As a proof of my fmcerity, my Lord, re- ceive it. Ld. J. RETURNED FROM PARIS. 47 Ld. J. With more tranfport, than Sir Charks the news of his fafety. Luc. to Buck. You are not, at prefent, in a condition to take poffeflion of your poft. Buck. What? Luc. Oh, you recolleft; my Lord's private friend ; his afliflant you know. Buck. Oh, ho ! 'I Mac. But, Sir Charles, as I find the affair of the poifon was but a joke, had na'ye better with- draw, and tack off your blifters ? Crab. No, let 'em flick. He wants 'em. And now concludes my care. But before we clofe the fcene, receive, young man, this laft advice from the old friend of your father : As it is your happinefs to be born a Briton, let it be your boaft ; know that the bleffings of liberty are your birth- right, which while you preferve, other nations may envy or fear, but can never conquer or con- temn you. Believe, that French fafhions are as ill-fuited to the genius, as their politics are per- nicious to the peace of your native land. A convert to thefefacred truths, you'll find, That poifon for your punifliment dejign'd Witt prove a whokfome medicine to your mind. ^Exeunt omnes. FINIS. BOOKS, PAMPHLETS, &c. lately pub- lifhed by W. LOWNDES. 1. T> ARBARIAN CRUELTY ; or Sufferings of Britifh Cap- O tives in Morocco, i vol. fmall 8vo. Price 33. 6d. 2. BOYLE's VOYAGES and ADVENTURES in feveral Parts of the World, i vol. izmo. Price 35. 3. BROWN's FAMILY TESTAMENT and SCHOLAR'S ASSISTANT, in one large volume i2mo. Price zs. 4. 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THE KNIGHTS: A COMEDY, I N TWO ACTS, As it is perfprmed At the Theatre-Royal in Drury-Larre, Written by SAMUEL F O O T E, Efq. fed halet comae Jia tan to Plus oneris. yuanto Venice minus, Hor. LONDON: Printed for W. L OWN DBS, N 77, FLEET-STREET. M.DCC.LXXXVII. [Price ONE SHILLING.] a- T, H ,Y CI ,3 ,1 l ni fcvr /J T O O "i - M A t vi :/! O (i /! U [.O Vil J JI.H ; i- PREFACE. S this is the laft opportunity Ifliall have of addrejjing the public this year, I think it my duty to return them my warmeft acknowledgements for their favourable reception of the following little piece. The three principal characters I met with in a fummers expedition ; they are neither vamped from antiquated plays, pilfered from French far- ces, nor the bafelefs beings of the poet's brain. I have given them in their plain natural habit ; they wanted no dramatic Jinijhing ; nor can 1 claim any other merit than grouping them together and throwing them, into attion. The juftice, done them thereby the performers, has been too jirongly diftinguijhed by the town to render any thing from me necejfary ; / could only wifh that the ma- nagers of the theatres would employ Mr. Caflallo, wbofe peculiar naivete and ftriffi propriety would greatly become many characters on our ftage. S. Foote. A i PRO- PROLOGUE, Written and fpoken by Mr. FOOTE. TJAP PT my muje, hadjhefirjl turned her art, **- From humour's dangerous path, to touch the heart, They, who in all the blufter of blank verje The mournful tales of love and war rehearfe, Are Jure the critics cenfure to efcape j Tou hifs not heroes now, you only gape ! Nor (grangers quite to heroes, kings, and queens) Dare you intrude your judgement on their fcenes. A different lot the comic muje attends. She is obliged to treat you with your friends j Muftfearch the court, the forum, and the city, Mark out the dull, the gallant, and the witty , Touth's wildprofujion, tV avarice of age, Nay, bring the fit iff elf upon theftage. Firft to the bar Jhe turns her various face ; Hem ! my lord, I am council in this cafe. And if Jo be your lordjhipjhould think fit. Why, to be Jure, my client muftfubmit ; * * For why ? becaufe Then ojfjhe trips again. And, to the Jons of commerce, Jhtfts herfcene: There, whilft the griping Jire, with moping care^ Defrauds the world himjelf t y enrich his heir, The pious boy, his father's toil rewarding, For thoufandf throws a main at Covent-Garden / Thefe are the portraits we 1 re obligd to Jhew ; Tou are all judges if they're like or no ; Herejhould we fail, fome other Jhape we'll try, grace our future Jcenes PROLOGUE. / have a plan to treat you with burletta, 'That cannot mlfs your tafte, miafpiletta : But, Jhould the following piece your mirth excite, From Nature's volume we'll perfift to write j Tour partial favour bade us firft proceed, Then Jp are ttf offender fine e you urgd the deed. DRA- Dramatis Perfonse, Hartop - Sir Gregory Gazette Jenkins Timothy Robin Jenny - Mifs Penelope Trifle Mifs Sukey Trifle Mr. Foote. Mr. Tafes* Mr. Elakes. Mr. Caflallo. Mr. Clougb. Mifs Minors. Mrs. Crofs. Mifs Mills. THE T H 1 KNIGHTS. A C T; I. SCENE, a Room. HARTOP and JENKINS difcovered. Jenk. T Should not choofe to marry into fuch a X family. Hart. Choice, dear Dick, is very little concern- ed in the matter ; and, to convince you that love is not the minifter of my counfels, know that I ne- ver faw but once the object of my prefent purpofe, and that too at a time, and in a circumflance, not very likely to ftamp a favourable impreffion. What think you of a raw board ing^fchool- girl at Uncoln- Minfter, with a mind nnpoliflied, a figure unin~ . formed, and a fet of features tainted with the colours of her unwholeibme food ? Jenk. No very engaging object indeed, Hartop. Hart. Your thoughts' now were mine then ; but feme connections I have fmce had with her father A 4 have 8 THE KNIGHTS. have given birth to my prefent defign upon her. You are no ftranger to the fituation of my circum- ftances : my neighbourhood to Sir Penurious Trifle was a fufficient motive for his advancing what mo- ney I wanted by way of mortgage ; the hard terms he impofed upon me, and the little regard I have paid to ceconomy, has made it necefiary for me to attempt by fome fcheme the re-eftablifhment of my fortune: this young lady's fimplicity, not to call it ignorance, prefented her at once as a proper fubject for my purpofe. Jenk. Succefs to you, Jack, with all my foul ! a fellow of your fpirit and vivacity mankind ought to fupport for the fake of themfelves j for, whatever Seneca and the other moral writers may have fug- gefted in contempt of riches, it is plain their max- ims were not calculated for the world as it now % flands ; in days of yore indeed, when virtue was called wifdom, and vice folly, fuch principles might have been encouraged - y but, as the prefent fubjefts of our inquiry are, not what man is, but what he has, as to be rich is to be wife and virtuous, and to be poor ignorant and vicious, I heartily ap- plaud your plan ! Hart. Your obfervation is but too juft ! and is it not, Dick, a little unaccountable, that we, who condefcend fo fervilely to copy the follies and fop- peries of our polite neighbours, fhould be fo totally averfe to an imitation of their virtues ? In France > Has he wealth ? is an interrogation never put till they are difappointed in their inquiries after the birth and wifdom of a fafhionable fellow : but here, How much a year ? Two thoufand. The devil ! In what country ? Berkfhire. Indeed 1 God blefs us! THE KNIGHTS. 9 us ! ft happy dog ! How the deuce come I to be interefted in a man's fortune unlefs I am his fteward or his tailor ? Indeed knowledge and genius arc worth examining into ; by thofe my understanding may be improved, or my imagination gratified; but why fuch a man's being able to eat ortolans, and drink French wine, is to recommend him to my efteem, is what I cannot readily conceive. Jenk. This complaint may with juftice be made of all imitations ; the ridiculous fide is ever the ob- jefb imitated. But a truce to moralifing and to our bufmefs. Prithee, in the firft place, how can you gain admittance to your miftrefs ? and, in the fe- cond, is the girl independent of her father ? his confent, I fuppofe, you have no thoughts of ob- taining. Hart. Some farther propofals concerning my ef- tate, fuch as an increafe of the mortgage or an ab- folute fale, is a fufficient pretence for a vifit j and, as to ca(h, twenty to my knowledge ! independent too, you rogue ! and, befides, an only child, you know ! and then, when things are done they can't be undone, and 'tis well its no worfe, and a hundred fuch pretty proverbs, will, its great odds, reconcile the old fellow at laft. Befides, my papa in poffe has a foible, which, if I condefcend to humour, I have his foul, my dear. Jenk. Prithee, now you are in fpirits, give me a portrait of Sir Penurious ; though he is my neigh- bour, yet he is fo tfomeftic an animal that I know no more of him than the common country conver- fation, that he is a thrifty, wary, man. Hart. The very abftract of penury ! Sir John Cutler, with his tranfmigrated (lockings, was but a type io THE KNIGHTS. type of him. For inflance, the barber has the growth of his and his daughters 's head once a year for fha- ving the knight once a fortnight ; his fhoes are made with the leather of a coach of his grandfather's, builc in the year i ; his male fervant is footman, groom, carter, coachman, and tailor; his maid employs her leifure hours in plain-work for the neighbours, which Sir Penurious takes care, as her labour is for his emolument, (hall be as many as poflible, by joining with his daughter in fcouring the rooms, making the beds, &c. thus much for his moral character. Then, as to his intellectual, he is a mere carte blanche; the laft man he is with muft afford him matter for the next he goes to ; but a ftory is his idol, throw him in that and he fwallows it ; no mat- ter what, raw or roafted, favoury or infipid, down it goes, and up again to the firft perfon he meets : it is upon this bafis I founoT my favour with the knight, having acquired patience enough to hear his ftories, and equipped myfelf with a quantity fuf- ficient to furnifli him; his manner is indeed'pecu- liar, and for once or twice entertaining enough. I'll give you a fpecimen ; Is not that an equi- page ? Jenk. Hey.! yes, faith ! and the owner an ac- quaintance of mine ; Sir Gregory Gazette, by Ju- piter ! and his fon Tim with him. Now I can match, your knight. He muft come this way to the par- lour. We'll have a icene ; but take your cue, he is a country politician. "i n.-.- "'"jjfl'joo norrT.T'.o^i sri? its;, c.i SIR GREGORY, enter ing, -and Walter. Sir Greg. What, neither the Gloucefter Journal, nor the Worccfter Couranr, nor the Northampton Mercury, THE KNIGHTS. 11 Mercury, nor the Chefter ? Mr. Jenkins, I am your humble fervantj a ftrange town this, Mr. Jenkins, no news ftirring, no papers taken in ! Is that gentleman a ftranger, Mr. Jenkins ? Pray, fir, not to be too bold, don't you come from Lon- don ? Hart. But laft night. Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! that's wonderful ! Mr. Jenkins, introduce me. Jenk. Mr. Hartop, Sir Gregory Gazette. Sir Greg. Sir, I am proud to Well, fir, and what news ? You come from Pray, fir, are you a parliament-man ? Hart. Not I indeed, fir. Sir Greg. Good lack ! may be belong to the law? Hart. Nor that. Sir Greg. Oh, then in ibme of the offices > the treafury or the exchequer ? Hart. Neither, fir. Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! that's wonderful ! Well, but, Mr. . Pray what name did Mr. Jenkins, Ha Ha Hart. Hartop. Sir Greg. Ay, true ! what, not of the Hartops of Bofton ? Hart. No. Sir Greg. May be not. There is, Mr. Hartop, one thing that I envy you Londoners in much ; quires of news-papers ! Now I reckon you read a matter of eight fheets every day ? Hart. Not one. Sir Greg. Wonderful ! then, may be, you are about court j and fo, being at the fountain-head, know ia THE KNIGHTS. know what is in the papers before they are print- ed. Hart. I never trouble my head about them. - - An old fool ! [Afide.'] Sir Greg. Good lord ! Your friend, Mr. Jen- kins, is very clofe. Jenk. Why, Sir Gregory, Mr. Hartop is much in the fecrets above j and it becomes a man fo truft- cd to be wary, you know. Sir Greg. May be fo, may be fo. Wonderful ! ay, ay, a great man no doubt. Jenk. But I'll give him a better infight into your character, and that will induce him to throw off his . referve. Sir Greg. May be fo j do, do ; ay, ay ! Jenk. Prithee, Jack, don't be fo crufty, indulge the knight's humour a little j befides, if I guefs right, it may be necefiary for the conduct of your defign to contract a pretty ftrict intimacy here. Harf. Well, do as you will. Jenk. Sir Gregory, Mr. Hartop's ignorance of your character made him a little Ihy in his replies, but you will now find him more communicative ; and, in your ear, he is a treafure ; he is in all the myfteries of government ; at the bottom of every thing. Sir Greg. Wonderful I a treafure ! ay, ay, may befo. Jenk. And, that you may have him to yourfelf, I'll go in fearch of your fon. Sir Greg. Do fo, do fo ; Tim is without, juft come from his uncle Tregegle's at Mavagezy in Cornwall j THE KNIGHTS. 13 Cornwall ; Tim is an honeft lad : do fo, do fo. [Exit Jenk.~\ Well, Mr. Hartop, and fo we have a peace j lack-a-day ! long looked for come at laft. But pray, Mr. Hartop, how many news-papers may you have printed in a week ? Hart. About a hundred and fifty, Sir Gregory. Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! and all full, I reckon ; full as an egg j nothing but news ! well, well, I mail go to London one of thefe days. A hundred and fifty ; wonderful ! and, pray now, which do you reckon the beft ? Hart. Oh, Sir Gregory, they are as various in their excellencies as their ufes ; if you are inclined to blacken, by a couple of lines, the reputation of a neighbour, whofe charadter neither your nor his whole life can poffibly reftore, you may do it for two millings in one paper; if you are displaced, or difappointed of a place, a triplet againft the miniftry will be always well received at the head of another; and then, as a paper of morning amufement, you have the Fool. Sir Greg. The Fool ! good lack ! and pray who and what may that fame Fool be ? Hart. Why, Sir Gregory, the author has artfully afifumed that habit, like the royal jefters of old, to level his fatire with more fecurity to himfelf and fe- verity to others. Sir Greg. May be fo, may be fo ! the Fool ! ha, Jia, ha ! well enough ! a queer dog, and no fool, I warrant you ! Killigrew, ah, 1 have heard my grandfather talk much of that fame Killigrew, and no fool ! But what is all this to news, Me. Har- top ? Who gives us the beft account of the king of Spain, and the queen of Hungary, and thofe great folks ? i 4 THE' KNIGHTS. folks ? Come now, you could give us a little news if you would ; come now ! fnug ! nobody by ! good now do ; come, ever fo little ! Hart. Why, as you fo largely contribute to the fupport of the government, it is but fair you fhould know what they are about. We are at prefent in a treaty with the pope ! Sir Greg. With the pope ! Wonderful ! Good now, good now ! how, how ? Hart. We are to yield him up a large tract of the Terra Incognita, together with both the Needles, Scilly-rocks, and the Lizard-point, on ' condition that the pretender has the government of Laputa, and the bifhop of Greenland fucceeds ta St. Peter's chair j he being, you know, a proteftant, when poffefied of the pontificals, iffues out a bull, com- manding all catholics to be of his religion ; they, deeming the pope infallible, follow his directions, and then, Sir Gregory, we are all of one mind. Sir Greg. Good lack, good lack ! rare news, rare news, rare news ! ten millions of thanks, Mr. Har- top i But might not I juft hint this to Mr. Soakum, our vicar ? 'twould rejoice his heart. Hart. O fie, by no means. Sir Greg. Only a line ! a little hint ! do now. Hart. W T ell, fir, it is difficult for me to refufe you any thing. Sir Greg. Ten thoufand thanks ! Now ! the pope ! Wonderful ! I'll minute it down ; both the Needles ? Hart. Ay, both. Sir Greg. Good now, I'll minute it ; the Li- 2ard-point, . both the Needles, Scilly-rocks, bifhop THE KNIGHTS. 15 . bifhop of Greenland, St. Peter's chair. - .Why then, when this is finifhed, we may chance to attack the great Turk, and have holy wars again, Mr. Hartop ? Hart. That's part of the fcheme. Sir Greg. Ah ! good now ! you fee I have a head ! politics have been my ftudy many a day. , Ah, if I had been in London to improve by the news-pa- pers ! - They tell me Doctor Drybones is to fuc- ceed to the bifhopric of \Whifyers > .] Hart. No; Dodor - \WbiJf ers\ Sir Greg. Indeed ! I was told by my landlord at Rofs, that it was between him and the dean of Hart. To my knowledge Sir Greg. Nay, you know beft, to be fure. If it fhould - Hufh ! here's Mr. Jenkins and fon Tim. Mum ! Mr. Jenkins does not know any thing about the treaty with the pope ? Hart. Not a word. Sir Greg. Mum 1 Enter TIMOTHY and JENKINS. Jenk. Mafter Timothy is almoft grown out of knowledge, Sir Gregory. Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! ay, ay, ill weeds grow apace. Son Tim, Mr. Hartop : a great man, child ! Mr. Hartop, fon Tim. Hart. Sir, I (hall be always glad to know every branch that fprings from fo valuable a trunk as Sir Gregory Gazette. Sir Greg. May be fo ! Wonderful ! Ay, ay ! Hart. if THE KNIGHTS. Hart. Sir, I am glad to fee you in Herefordfhire : have you been long from Cornwall ? Tim. Ay, fir j a matter of four weeks or a month, more or lefs. Sir Greg. Well faid, Tim ! ay, ay, alk Tim any queftions, he can anfwer for himfelf. Tim, tell Mr. Hartop all the news about the ele&ions, and the tinners, and the tides, and the roads, and the pilchers : I want a few words with my mafter Jen- kins. Hart. You have been fo long abfent from your native country that you have almoft forgot it. Tim. Yes fure ; I ha' been at uncle Tregegle's a matter of twelve or a dozen year, more or lefs. Hart. Then I reckon you were quite impatient to fee your papa and mamma ? Tim. No fure, not I. Father fent for me to un- cle ; fure Mavagezy is a choice place ! and I could a'ftay'd there all my born days, more or lefs. Hart. Pray, fir, what were your amufements. Tim. Nan ? what do you fay ? Hart. How did you divert yourfelf ? Tim. Oh, we ha* paftimes enow there : we ha' bull-baiting, and cock-fighting, and fifhing, and hunting, and hurling, and wreftling, Hart. The two laft are fports for which that country is very remarkable : in thofe, I prefumc, you are very expert ? Tim. Nan? what? Hart. I fay you are a good wreftler ? Tim. Oh ! yes fure, I can wreftle well enow : but we don't wreftle after your fafhion j we ha' no tripping j fath and foul ! we all go upon clofe hugs or THE KNIGHTS. 17 or the flying mare. Will you try a fall, matter ? I wan't hurt you, fath and foul. Hart. We had as good not venture though. - But have you left in Cornwall nothing that you regret the lofs of more than hurling and wreft- ling ? Tim. Nan ? what ? Hart. No favourite (he ? Tim. Arra, I coupled Favourite and Jowler to- gether, and fure they tugg'd it all the way up. Part wich Favourite ! no I thank you for nothing : you muft know I nurfed Favourite myfelf ; uncle's huntfman was going to mill-pond to drown all Mufic's puppies; iblfavedfhe: but, fath, I'll tell you a comical (lory ; at Lanfton they both broke loofe and eat a whole loin-a'-veal and a leg of beef: Crift ! how landlord fwear'd ! fath, the poor fellow was almoft mazed ; it made me die wi' laughing : but how game you to know about our Favourite ? Hart. A circumftance, fo material to his fon, could not efcape the knowledge of Sir Gregory Ga- zette's friends. But here you miftook me a little, 'Squire Tim ; I meant whether your affe&ions were not fettled upon fome pretty girl j has not fome Cor- nifh lafs caught your heart ? Tim. Hu(h ! 'god, the old man will hearj jog a tiny bit this way ; won't a' tell father ? Hart. Upon my honour ! Tim. Why then I'll tell you the whole ftory, more or lefs. Do you know Mally Pengroufe ? Hart. I am not fo happy. Tim. She's uncle's milkmaid j fhe's as handfome, lord ! her face all red and white, like the infide of a Ihoulder of mutton : fo 1 made love to our Mally ; B and ** * THE KNIGHTS. and juft, fath, as I had got her good will to run a- way to Exeter and be married, uncle found it out and fent word to father, and father fent forme home j but I don't love her a bit the worfer for that : but, 'icod, if you tell father he'll knock my brains out, for he fays I'll difparage the family, and mother's as mad as a March hare about it ; fo father and mother ha' brought me to be married to fome young body in thefe parts. Hart. What, is my lady here ? Tim. No fure, Dame Winifred, as father calls her, could not come along. Hart. I am forry for that ; I have the honour to be a diftant relation of her ladyfhip. Tim. Like enough, fath ! fhe's a-kin to half the world, I think. But don't you fay a word to father about Mally Pengroufe. Hufh ! Jenk. Mr. Hartop, Sir Gregory will be amongft us fome time j he is going with his fon to Sir Penu- rious Trifle's j there is a kind of a treat/ of mar- riage on foot between Mifs Sukey Trifle and Mr. Timothy. Hart. The devil ! I fhall be glad of every cir- cumftance that can make me better acquainted with Sir Gregory. Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! may be fo, may be fo. Tim. Father, fure the gentleman fays as how mo- ther and he are a-kin. Sir Greg. Wonderful ! lack- a- day ! lack-a-day ! how, how ? I am proud to But how, Mr. Hartop, how ? Hart. Why, fir, a coufin-german of my aunt's firft hufband inter-married with a diftant relation of THE KNIGHT S. - 19 a collateral branch by the mother's fide, the Aporices of Lantrindon ; and we have ever fince quartered in an efcutcheon of pretence the three goats taite ram- pant, divided by a chevron, field argent, with a leek pendant ir- the dexter point, to diflinguilh the fecond houfe. Sir Greg. Wonderful! wonderful! nearly, nearly, related I good now, good now ! if Dame Winifred were here fhe'd make them all out with a wet finger; but they are above me. Prithee, Tim, good now ! fee after the horfes ; and, d'ye hear ! try if you can get any news-papers. Tim. Yes, father. But, coufm What-d'ye- call- urn, not a word about Mally Pengroufe ! Hart. Mum ! [Exit Timothy.] Sir Greg. Good now, that boy will make fonne miftake about the 'horfes now ! I'll go myfelf. Good now, no farther ccufin ! ifyoupl-afe, no ce- remony ! A hundred and fifty a week! the Fool ! ha, ha^ ha ! wonderful ! an odd dog. [Exit Sir Gregory.] Jenk. So, Jack, here's a frefh fpoke in your wheel. Hart. This is a curfed crofs incident ! 'Jenk. Well, but fomething muft be done to fruftrate the fcheme of your new coufm. Can you think of nothing? Harti I have been hammering : pray, are the two knights intimate ? are they well acquainted with each other's perfon ? Jenk. Faith, I can't tell ; but we may foon know. B 2 Hart. 20 THE KNIGHTS. Hart. Could you recommend me a good fpirited girl, who has humour and compliance to follow a few directions, and underftanding enough to bar- ter a little inclination for 3000!. a year and a fool? Jenk. In part I guefs your defign : the man's daughter of the houfe is a good lively lafs, has a fortune to make, and no reputation to lofe. I'll call her. Jenny ! But the enemy is at hand ; I'll withdraw and prepare Jenny. When the wor- fhipful family are retired Til introduce the wench. [Exit Jenkins.} Enter SIR GREGORY and TIMOTHY. Sir Greg. Pray now, coufin, are you in friend- Ihip with Sir Penurious Trifle ? fc Hart. I have the honour, fir, of that gentleman's acquaintance. Sir Greg. May be fo, may be fo ! but, lack-a- day, coufin, is he fuch a mifer as folks fay ? Good now, they tell me we fhall hardly have neceflaries for ourfelves and horfes at Gripe-Hall : but, as you are a relation, you fhould, good now, know the af- fairs of the family. Here is Sir Penurious's letter i here, coufin. Hart. " Your overture I receive with pleafure, and (hould be glad to meet you in Shropfhire." I fancy, from a thorough knowledge of Sir Penu- rious's difpofition, and by what I can collect fro-m the contents of that letter, he would be much better THE KNIGHTS. 21 better pleafed to meet you here than at his own houfe. Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! may be fo ! a ftrange man ! wonderful ! But, good now, coufin, what muft we do ? Hart. I will this morning pay Sir Penurious a vifit ; and, if you will honour me with your com- mands, I'll Sir Greg. Wonderful ! to-day ! good now, that's lucky ! coufin^ you are very kind : good now ! I'll fend a letter, Tim, by coufm Hartop. Hart. A letter from fo old an acquaintance, and upon fo happy an occafion, will fecure me a favour- able reception. Sir Greg. Good lack, good lack ! an old ac- quaintance indeed, coufm Hartop ! we were at He- refordlhire 'fize together let's fee, wonderful ! how long ago ? 'twas while I was courting Dame Winny ; the year before I married ; good now, , how long ? let's fee, that year the hackney-ftable was built, and Peter Ugly,' the blind pad, fell into a law-pit. T'im. Mother fays, father and Ihe was married, the i ft of April, in the year 10 ; and I knows 'tis there about, for I am two-and-thirty ; and brother Jeremy, and Roger, and Gregory, and Mer Nelly, were born'd before I. Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! how time wears away ! wonderful ! thirty- eight years ago, Tim ; I could not have thought it. But come in, let's fet about the letter. But pray, coufm, what diverfions, good now ! are going forward in Lon- don ? E 3 Hart, 22 THE KNIGHTS. Hart. Oh, fir, we are in no diftrefs for amufe- ment; we have plays, balls, puppet-fhows, maf- querades, bull -baitings, boxings, burlettas, routs, drums, and a thoufand others. But I am in hafte for your epiftie, Sir Gregory. Sir Greg. Coufin, your fervant. [Exit Sir Greg, and Tim.] Hart. I am your moft obedient. Thus far our fcheme fucceeds ; and, if Jenkins's girl can af- fume the aukward pertnefs of the daughter with as much fuccefs as I can imitate the fpirited folly of Sir Penurious, the father, I don't defpair of a happy catiiftrcphe. Enter JENNY, Sir, Mr. Jenkins Hart. Oh, child, your inftructions lhall be ad- min iftered within. Jenny. Mr. Jenkins has opened your defign, an4 I am ready and able to execute my part. Hart. My dear, I have not the lead doubt of either your inclination or ability. But, pox take this old fellow 1 what in the devil's name can bring him back ? Scour, Jenny, [Exit Jenny.] Enter SIR GREGORY. Sir Greg. Coufin, I beg pardon, but I have a fa- vour to beg; good now, could not you make in- tercfl at fome coiFec-houfe in London to buy, for a fmall TH KNIGHTS. 23 fmall matter, the old books of news-papers, and fend them into the country to me ? They would pafs away the time rarely in a rainy day ! , Hart. Sir, I'll' fend you a cart-load. Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! ten thoufand thanks ! you are a coufin indeed ! But pray, coufin, Jet us, good now ! fee fome of the works of that fame Fool. Hart. I'll fend them you all ; but a Sir Greg. What all ? lack-a-day, that's kind, coufin ? The Terra Incognita, both the Needles, a great deal of that ! But what bilhop is to be pope ? Hart. Zounds, fir, I am in hafte for your letter ; when I return afk as many queftions Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! that's true ! I'}1 in, and about it. . But, coufin, the pope is not to have Gibraltar ? Hart. No, no ; damn it, no ! as none but the Fool could fay it, fo none but ideots would believe him ! Pray, Sir Gregory, Sir Greg. Well, well, coufin ! Lack-a-day, you are fo But, pray Hart. Damn your praying ! if you don't finifli your letter immediately you may carry it your- felf! Sir Greg. Well, weH, coufin ! Lack-a-day, you; are in fuch a Good now, I go, I go ! Hart. But, if the truth fhould be difcovered, I fhall be inevitably difappointed. Sir Greg. But, coufin, are Scilly-rocks Hart. I wifli they were in your guts with all my Jieart ! I muft quit the field, I find. [/.] ' B 4 Sir Grig, 24 THE KNIGHTS. Sir Greg. "\\ onderful ! good now, good now ! a pafiionate man ! Lack-a-day ! I am glad the pope is not to have Gibraltar though ! END OF ACT I. ACT THE KNIGHTS. 85 ACT II. SIR GREGORY, and TIMOTHY reading a News-fa* per to him. 'Tim. /^.Onftantinople, N. S. Nov. 15. The \^ Grand Seignour Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! good now, Tim, the po- litics, child j and read the ftars, and the dafhes, and the blanks, as I taught you, Tim. Tim. Yes, father. We can affure our readers that the D daih is to go to F blank j and that a certain noble L-^ is to refign his p e in the T y, in order to make r m for the two three- ftars. Sir Greg. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! great news, Tim ! ah, I knew the two three-ftars would come in play one time or other ! this London Evening knows more than any of them. Well, child, well ! Tim. From the D. J. Sir Greg. Ay, that's the Dublin Journal. Go on, Tim. Tim. Laft Saturday a gang of highwaymen broke into an empty houfe on Ormond-Quay, and ftripped it of all the furniture, Sir Greg. *6 THE KNIGHTS. Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! wonderful ! to what a height thefe rogues are gr6wn ! Tim. The way to Mr. Keith's chapel is, turn of your Sir Greg. Pftiaw ! fkip that, Tim ; I know that road as well as the doctor ! 'tis in every time. Vim. I. Ward, at the Cat and Gridiron, Petti- coat-lane, makes tabby all over for people inclined to be crooked ; and, if he was to have the univerfal world for making a pair of flays, he could not put better ftuffinthem. Sir Greg. Good now ! where's that, Tim ? Tim. At the Cat and Gridiron, father. Sir Greg. I'll minute that : all my lady Izard's cliildren, good now ! are inclined to be crooked. Enter a Waiter. Wait. Sir, Mr. Jenkins begs to fpeak with you. Sir Greg. Good now ! defire him to walk in. [Exit Waiter.'] Enter JENKINS. Jenk. I thought it might not t)e improper to pre- pare you for a vifit from Sir Penurious Trifle : I Jaw him and his daughter alight at the apothecary's above. Sir Greg. What, they are come ? Wonderful ! Very kind, very kind, very kind, indeed ! Mr. Come, Tim, fettle my cravat 3 good now ! let's be THE KNIGHTS. 27 a little decent : remember your beft bow to your miftrefs, Tim. Tim. Yes, father: but muft not I kifs Mifs Suck ? Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! ay, ay ! pray, is coufin Hartop come along ? Jenk. I have not feen him : but I fancy I had better introduce my neighbours. Sir Greg. Good now ! would you be fo Jcind ! [Exit Jenkins.] Stand behind me, Tim ! Pull down your ruffles, child ! Tim. But, father, won't Mifs Suck think me bold if I kifs her chaps the firft time ? Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! no, Tim, no ! faint heart never won fair lady ! ha ! Tim, had you but feen me attack Dame Winny ! but times ar'n't as they were ; good now ! we were another kind of folks in thofe days ; ftout hearty fmacks that would have made your mouth water again, and the mark Hood upon the pouting lip like the print upon a pound of butter : but the mafter-mifles of the prefent age go, lack-a-day J as gingerly about it, as if they were afraid to fill their mouths with the paint upon their miftrefs's cheeks. Ah, the days I have Teen! Tim. Nay, father, I warrant, if that's all, I kifs her hearty enow, fath and foul ! Sir Greg. Hufh ! Tim, hufh ! ftand behind me, child. Enter 2 8 THE KNIGHTS. Enter HARTOP as Sir Penurious Trifle, and JENNY as Mifs Sukey, and JENKINS. Sir Greg. Sir Penurious, I am overjoyed ! Good now ! Hart. Sir Gregory, I kifs your hand ! My daughter Suck. Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Mifs, I am proud to Son Tim, Sir Penurious ; beft bow, child ! . Mifs Suck Tim. An't that right, father ? [KiJJes &er.~\ Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! I am glad to fee you look fo well ! you keep your own, Sir Pe- nurious. Hart. Ay, ay ! flout enough, Sir Gregory, ftout enough, brother knight ! hearty as an oak ! hey, Dick ? Gad, now I talk of an oak, I'll tell you a ftory of an oak ; it will make you die with laugh- ing ; hey, you Dick, you have heard it ; ihall I tell it Sir Gregory ? Jenk. Though I have heard it fo often, yet there is fomething fo engaging in your manner of telling a ftory that it always appears new. Sir Greg. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! I love a comical ftory. Pray, Sir Penurious, let's have it: mind, Tim, mind, child. Tim. Yes, father ; fath and foul, I love a choice ftory to my heart's blood ! Hart. You knight, I was at Bathlaft fummerj - a water that people drink when they are ill : you have heard of the Bath, Dick ? Hey, you ? THE KNIGHTS. i 9 Yes, fath, I know Bath ; I was there in way up. Sir Greg. Hufh, Tim ! good now, hufh ! Hart. There's a coffee-houfe, you ; a place where people drink, coffee and tea, and read the news. Sir Greg. Pray, Sir Penurious, how many papers may they take in ? Hart. Pfhaw ! damn the news ! mind the ftory. Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! a hafty man, Tim! Hart. Pox take you both ! I have loft the ftory ! - where did I leave off, hey, you Dick ? Tim. About coffee and tea. Hart. Right, you, right ! true, true ! Ib, God, you knight, I ufed to breakfaft at this coffee-houfe every morning ; it coft me eight-pence though, and I had always a breakfaft at home no matter for that, though there I breakfafted, you Dick, God, at the fame table with Lord Tom Truewit : .. you have heard of Truewit, you knight; a droll dog ! you Dick, he told us the ftory and made us die with laughing : you have heard of Charles the Second, you knight; he was fon of Charles the Firft, king here in England, that was beheaded by- Oliver Cromwell : fo what does Charles the Second, you knight, do ; but he fights Noll at Worcefter ; a town you have heard of, not far off; but all would not do, you ; God, Noll made him fcamper, made him run, take to his heels, you knight ; Truewit told us the ftory, made us die with laughing ; I al- \v.ays breakfafted at the coffee-houfe ; it coft me eight-pence, though I had a breakfaft at home fowhat does Charles do, but hid himfelf in an oak,_ an E KNIGHTS. an oak-tree, you, in a wood called Bofcobel, from two Italian words, bofco bello, a fine wood, you, and off he marches : but old Noll would not let him come home ; no, fays he, you don't come here ! Lord Tom told us the ftory; made us die with laughing ; it coft me eight-pence, though I had a breakfaft at home fo, you knight, when Noll died, Monk there, you, afterwards Albemarle, in the North, brought him back ; fo, you, the cava- liers ; you have heard of them ? they were friends to the Stuarts ; what did they do, God, you Dick, but they put up Charles in a fign, the royal oak ; you have feen fuch figns at country alehoufes ; fo, God, you, what does a Puritan do the Puritans were friends to Noll but he puts up the fign of an owl in an ivy-bufli, and underneath he writes " This is not the royal oak !" you have feen writings under figns, you knight: upon this, fay the royalifts, God, this muft not be j fo, you, what do they do, but k God, they profecuted the poor Puritan ; but they made him change his fign though ; and, 'you Dick, how d'ye think they changed ? God, he puts up the royal oak, and underneath he writes " This js not the owl in the ivy-buih !" It made us all die with laughing ! Lord Tom told the ftory j I always breakfafted at the coffee-houfe, though it coft me eight-pence, and I had a breakfaft at home hey, you knight ! what, Dick, hey ! Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! wonderful ! Vim. A choice tale, fath ! JfdL^ Oh, Sir Penurious is a moft entertaining companion, that muft be allowed. Sir Greg. Good now ! ay, ay, a merry man ! but, lack-a-day, would not the young lady choofe THE KNIGHTS. 31 a little refrefhment after her ride ? fome tea, or fome Hart. Hey, you knight ! no, no! we intend to dine with thee, man. Well, you Tim, what doft think of thy father-in-law that is to be, hey ? a jolly cock, you Tim; hey, Dick! But prithee, boy, what doft do with all this tawdry tinfel on ? that hat and waiftcoat ? trafh, knight, trafh ! more in thy pocket and lefs in thy clothes ; hey, you Dick ! God, you knight, I'll make you laugh : I went to London, you Dick, laft year to call in a mortgage; and what does me I, Dick, but take a trip to a coffee-houfe in St. Martin's Lane; in comes a French fellow forty times as fine as Tim, with his muff and parlevous, and his Frances, and his head, you knight, as white with powder/ God, you, as a twelfth-cake : and who the devil d'ye think, Dick, this might be ? hey, you knight ? Sir Greg. Good now ! an ambaffador to be fure! Hart. God, you knight, nor better nor worler than Mynheer Vancaper, a Dutch figure-dancer at the opera-houfe in the Haymarket. Sir Greg. Wonderful I good now, good now ! Hart. Pfhaw! pox! prithee, Tim, nobody drefies now ; all plain ; look at me, knight, I am in the tip of the mode; now am I in full drelsj hey, Dick! Jenk. You, fir, don't want the aids of drefsj but, in Mr. Gazette, a little regard to that parti- cular is but a neceflary compliment to his miftrefs. Hart. Stuff, Dick, fluff ! my daughter, knight, has had other guife breeding; hey, you! Suck, come forward. Plain as a pike-ftarT, knight; all as nature made her -, hey, Tim, no flams ! prithee, Tim, p THE KNIGHTS. Tim, off with thy lace and burn it j 'twill help to buy the licence ; fhe'll not like thee a bit the better for that ; hey, Suck ! But, you knight, God, Dick, a toaft and tankard would not be amifs after our walk ; hey, you ? Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! what you will, Sir Penurious. Hart. God, that's hearty, you ! but we won't part the young couple, hey ! I'll fend Suck fome bread and cheefe in ; hey, knight ! At her, Tim ! Come, Dick; come, you knight. Did I ever tell you my courtfhip 5 hey, Dick ? 'twill make you laugh. Jenk. Not as I remember. Sir Greg. Lack- ar day ! let's have it. Hart. You know riiy wife was blind, you knight? Sir Greg. Good now ! wonderful ! not I. Hart. Blind as a beetle when I married her, knight; hey, Dick! (he was drowned in our or- chard : maid Befs, knight, went to market, you Dick ; and wife rambled into the orchard, and foufe, dropped into the fifh-pond : we found her out next day, but fhe was dead as a herring : no help for that, Dick ; buried her though ; hey, you ! fhe was only daughter to Sir Triftram Muckworm, you i rich enough, you, hey ! God, you, what does fhe do, you, but (he falls in love with young Sleek, her father's chaplain ; hey, you ! upon that what does me I, but flips on domine's robes, you ; palTed myfelf upon her for him, and we were tacked together, you knight, hey ! God, though I believe Ihe never liked me ; but what fignifies that ? hey, Dick ! (he was rich, you ! But, come, let's leave the children together. Sir Greg. THE KNIGHTS. 33 Sir Greg. Sir, I wait on you. Hart. Nay, pray Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! 'tis impofli- ble ! Hart. Pox of ceremony, you Dick ! hey ! God, knight, I'll tell you a ftory : one of our ambafladors in France, you, a devilifh polite fellow reckoned, Dick i God, you, what does the king of France do, but, fays he, I'll try the manners of this fine gentle- man : fo, knight, going into a coach together, the king would have my lord go firft : oh ! an't pleafe your majefty, I can't indeed; you, hey, Dick! upon which, what does me the king, but he takes his arm thus, you Dick : am I the king of France or you ? is it my coach or yours ? and fo pulhes him in thus. Hey, Dick ! Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! he, he, he ! Hart. God, Dick, I believe I have made a mif- take here ; I fhould have gone in firft ; hey, Dick ! knight, God, you, beg pardon. Yes, your coach, not mine ; your houfe, not mine ; hey, knight ! Sir Greg. Wonderful! a merry man, Mr. Jen- kins. \Exeunt the two Knights and Jenk, J Tim. Father and coufm are gone, fath and foul ! Jenny. I fancy my lover is a little puzzled how to begin, \dftde .\ 'Tim. How f Fath and foul I don't know what to fay ! \Afide. "\ How d'ye do, Mifs Suck? Jenny. Pretty well, thank you. Tim. You have had a choice walV. 'Tis a rare day, fath and foul ! Jenny. Yes, the day's well enough. Tim. Is your houfe a good way off here ? C Jenny. 34 THE KNIGHTS. Jetwy. Dree or four mile. Tim. That's a long walk, fath ! Jcmry. I make nothing of it, and back again. Tim Like enow. \Whijlle s.~\ Jenny. ' {Sings.\ 'Tim. You have a rare pipe of your own, mifs. Jenny. I can fing loud enough if I have a mind : but father don't love fmging. Tim. Like enow, Jenny. And I an't overfond of whittling. Tim-. Hey ! ay, like enow : and I am a bitter bad finger. Jenny. Hey ! ay, like enough. 'Tim. Pray, Mifs Suck, did ever any body make love to you before?. Jenny. Before when ? 'Tint. Before now. Jenny. What if I won't tell you ? Tim. Why then you muft let it alone, fath and foul! Jenny. Like enough ! Tim. Pray, Mifs Suck, did your father tell you any thing ? Jenny. About what? Tim. About I. Jenny. What fhould 'a tell ? Tim. Tell ! why, as how I and father was come a wooing. Jenny. Who? Tim. Why you ! Could you like me for a fweet- heart, Mifs Suck ? Jenny. I don't know. Tim. Mavhap fomebody may ha* got your good- will already ? Jenny. THE KNIGHTS. 3$ Jenny. And what then ? Tim. Then! hey!' I don't know : but, if you could fancy me - Jenny. For what ? Tim. For your true .lover. Jenny. Well, what then ? Tim. Then ! hey ! why, fath, we may .chandfe to be married if the old folks agree together. Jenny. And fuppofe I won't be married to you ? Tim. Nay, Mifs Suck, I can't help it, fath and foul ! But father and mother bid me come a court- ing; and, if you won't ha* me, I'll tell father fo. Jeuny. You are in a woundy hurry, methinks. Tim. Not I, fath ! you may ftay as long as Enter a Walter. Walt. There is a woman without wants to (peak with Mr. Timothy Gazette. Tim. That's I. I am glad on't ! \_Afide.~\ Well, Mils Suck, your fervant. You'll think about it, and let's know your mind when I come back ! God, I don't care whether fhe likes me or no ; I don't like her half fo well as Mally Pengroufe ! \_Afide.~\ Well, your fervant, Mifs Suck ! [Exit.] Jenny. Was there ever fuch an unlicked cub ? I don't think his fortune a fufficient reward for fa- crificing my perfon to fuch a booby : but, as he has money enough, it fhall go hard but I pleafe myfelf ! I fear I was a little too backward with my gentle- man j but, however, a favourable anfwor to his laft queftion will foon fettle matters. C 2 Enter THE KNIGHTS, Enter JENKINS. Jenk. Now, Jenny! what news child ? are things fixed ? are you ready for the nuptial knot ? Jtuny. We are in a fair way : I thought to have quickened my fwain's advances by a little affected covnefsj but the trap would not take : I expect him back in a minute, and then leave it to my manage- ment. Jenk. Where is he gone ? Jenny. The waiter called him to fome woman. Jenk. Woman ! he neither knows or is known by any body here. What can this mean ? ,no counter- plot \ but, pox, that's impoflible I you have not blabbed, Jenny ? Jenny. My intereft would prevent me. Jenk. Upon that fecurity any woman may, I think, be trufted. I muft after him though. [*//.] Jenny. I knew the time when Mr. Jenkins would not have left me fo haftily : 'tis odd, that the fame cau e that increafes the pafiion in one fex fhould de- ftroy it in the other,; the reafon is above my reach, but the faci I am a fevere witnefs of: heigh-ho ! Enter HARTOP (Jlill as Sir Penurious Trifle) and SIR GREGORY GAZETTE. Hart. And fo, you knight, fays he ; you know, knight, what low dogs the minifters were then ; how dues your pot ; a pot, you, that they put over the fire THE KNIGHTS. 37 fire to boil broth and meat in ; you have feen a pot, you knight ? how does your pot ^oil thefe trouble- fome times ? hey, you ! God, my lord, fays he, I don't know, I feldom go into my kitchen ; a kitch- en, you knight, is a place where they drefsvi duals! rpaPi. and boil, and fo forth , God, fays he, I feldom go into the kitchen ; but, T fuppofe, the fcmrMs uppermofl ftill ; hey, you knight ! What, God, hey ! but where's your fon, Sir Gregory ? Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! where's Tim, Mifs Sukey ? lack-a day ! what's become of Tim ? Jenny. Gone out a tiny bit ; he'll be here pre- fently. Sir Greg. Wonderful \ .good npw, good now ! well, and how, Mifs Sukey, lias Tim Has h e Well, and what, you have Won- .derful ! Enter a Servant with a. Letter. Serv. Sir, I was commanded to deliver this into your own hands by Mr. Jenkins. Hart. Hey, you! what, a. letter? God fo ! any anfwer, you ? hey ! Serv. None, fir. {Exit.-} Sir Greg. Lack-a-day, Sir Penurious is bufy ! Well, mils, and did Tim do the thing ? did he pleafe you ? come now, tell us the whole ftory ! wonderful ! rare news for Dame Winny ! ha ! Tim's father's own fon ! but come, whifper ! ay ! Hart. [Reads. "\ " I have only time to tell you that yourfcheme is blafted : this inftant I encounter- C 3 cd 38 THE KNIGHTS. ed Mrs. Penelope Trifle with her niece ; they will foon be with you." So then all's over ! but let's fee what expedition will do ! Well, you knight, hey ! what, have they fettled ? Is the girl willing ? Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! right as my leg ! ah ! Tim, little did I think But, lack-a- day ! I wonder where the boy is ! let's feek him. Hart. Agreed, you knight 1 hey ! come. Enter JENKINS. Sir Greg. Lack-a-day! here's Mr. Jenkins. Good now-! have you feen Tim ? Jenk. Your curiofity fhall be immediately fatif- fied j but I muft firft have a word with Sir Penu- rious. Hart. Well, you ! what, hey ! any news, Dick ? Jenk. Better than you could hope ! your rival is difpofed of! Hart. Difpofedof! how? Jenk. Married by this time, you rogue ! the wo- man that wanted him was no other than Mally Pen- groufe, flie trudged it up all the way after him, as Tim fays : I have recommended them to my chap- lain, and before this the bufmefs is done. Hart. Bravifiimo ! you rogue ! but how lhall I get off with the knight ? Jenk. Nay, that muft be your contrivance. Hart. I have it ! Suppofe I was to own the whole defign to Sir Gregory as our plan has not fucceeded with his fon, and, as he feems to have a tolerable regard THE KNIGHTS. 39 regard for me, it is poffible he may affift my fcheme on Sir Penurious. Jenk. 'Tis worth trying however : but he comes. Sir Greg. Well, good, now ! Mr. Jenkins, have you feen Tim ? I can't think where the boy Hart. 'Tis now time, Sir Gregory, to fet you clear with refpet to fome particulars j I am now no longer Sir Penurious Trifle, but your friend and re- lation, Jack Hartop. Sir Greg. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! coufin Hartop as I am a living man ! Hey ! well bu^ good now ! how, Mr. Jenkins, hey ? Jenk. The ftory, Sir Gregory, is rather too long to tell you now; but in two words, my friend Har- top has very long had a paflion for Mifs Trifle, and was apprehenfive your ion's application would deftroy his views, which, in order to defeat, he afTumed the character of Sir Penurious ; but he is fo captivated with your integrity and friendfhip, that he rather choofes to forego his own intereft than interrupt the happinefs of your fon. Sir Greg. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! that's kind ! who could have thought it, coufm Hartop ? lack-a-day ! well, but where's Tim ? hey ! good now ! and who are you ? Jenk. This, fir, is Jenny, the handmaid of the houle. Sir Greg. Wonderful ! a peftilent hufley ! Ah, Hartop, you are a wag ! a pize of your pots and your royal 'oaks ! lack-a-day ! who could have thought ah ! Jenny, you're a [Exif Jenny.] But where's Tim ? C 4. Enter THE KNIGHTS. Enter ROBIN. Robin. Wounds, matter ! never ftir alive if m after Tim has na gone and married Mally Pengroufe ! Sir Greg. Wonderful ! how, firrah, how ? good now, good now ! coufm Hartop. Mally Pen- groufe ! who the dickens is (he ? Robin. Matter Timothy's fweetheart in Corn- wall. Sir Greg. And how came (he here ? Lack- a- day, coufm ! Robin. She trampped it up after matter : matter Timothy is without, and fays as how they be mar- ried : I wanted him to come in, but he's afraid you'll knock'n down. Sir Greg. Knock'n down ! Good now ! let me come at him ! I'll Ah, rogue ! lack-a-day ! coufm, {hew me where he is ! I'll Hart. Moderate your fury, good Sir Gregory ; confider, it is an evil without a remedy. Sir Greg. But what will Dame Winny fay ? Good now ! fuch a difparagement to and then what will Sir Penurious fay ? lack-a-day ! I am almoft diftra&ed ! and you, you lubberly dog ! why did not you [Exit Robin.] I'll ah ! cou- fm Hartop, coufm Hartop! good now, good now ! Hart. Dear fir, be calm; this is no ; fuch furpri- fmg matter ; we have fuch inftances in the news- papers every day. Sir Greg. Good now ! no, couftn, no. Hart. THE KNIGHTS. 41 Hart. Indeed, Sir Gregory, it was but laft week that Lord Lofty 's Ton married his mother's maid, and Lady Betty Forward run away not a month ago with her uncle's butler. Sir Greg. Wonderful ! what in the news ? Good now ! that's fbme comfort however; but what will Sir Penurious Hart. As to that, leave him to me, I have a pro- ject to prevent his laughing at you I'll warrant. Sir Greg. But how, how, coufin Hartop, how ? Hart. Sir Gregory, do you think me your friend ? Sir Greg. Lack- a -day! ay, coufin, ay! Hart. >\ nd would you in return ferve me in a cir- cumftance that can't injure yourfelf ? Sir Greg. Good now ! to be fure, coufin. Hart. Will you then permit me to aflume the fi- gure of your fon, and fo pay my addrefies to Mifs 1 rifle ? I was pretty happy in the imitation of her father, and, if I could impofe upon your fagacity, I fhall find lefs difficulty with your brother knight. Sir Greg. Good now ! Tim ! ah, you could not touch Tim ! Hart. I warrant you ! But fee, the young gen- tleman; Enter TIMOTHY. Sir Greg. Ah, Tim, Tim ! little did I Good now, good now ! fim. I could not help it now, fath and foul ! but, if you'll forgive me this time, I'll never do fo no more. Sir Greg. Well, well, if thee canft forgive thyfelf, I can forgive thee 3 but thank thy coufin Hartop. Hart. 42 THE KNIGHTS. Hart. Oh ! fir, if you are fatisfied, I am reward- ed. I wifh you joy ! joy to you, child ! Sir Greg. Thanks, coufin Hartop. Enter a Walter. Wait. Sir, Mrs. Penelope Trifle, 'with her niece, being come to town, and hearing your worfhip was in the houfe, would be glad to pay you their com- pliments. Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! wonderful ! here we are all topfy-turvey again ! what can be done now, coufin Hartop ? Hart. Dick, fhew the ladies in 'here but delay them a little. [Exit Waiter.] The luckieft inci- dent in the world, Sir Gregory ! If you will be kind enough to lend Jenkins your drefs, and mafter Timothy will favour me with his, I'll make up matters in a moment. Sir Greg. Ay, ay, coufin ! Tim. Path and foul ! you fhall have mine direc Hart. No, no ! Step into the next room a mi- nute, Sir Gregory. Sir Greg. Ay, ay ! where you will. Tim. Fath, here will be choice fport ! [Exeunt.] Enter Miss PENELOPE TRIFLE, Miss SUKEY TRIFLE, and a Waiter. Wait. The gentlemen will wait on you prefently. Would you choofe any refrefhmcnt ? Mifs Suk. THE KNIGHTS. 43 Mifs Suk. A draught of ale, friend, for I'm main dry. [Exit Waiter^ Mifs Pen. Fie, fie ! niece ! Is that liquor for a young lady ? Don't difparage your family and breeding ! The perfon is to be born that ever faw me touch any thing ftronger than water till I was three- and- twenty ! Mifs Suk. Troth ! aunt, that's fo long ago that I think there's few people alive who can remember what you did then ! Mifs Pen. How, gillflirt ! none of your fleers ! I am glad here's a huflband coming that will take you down in your tantrums ! you are grown too head-ftrong and robuft for me. Mifs Suk. Gad, I believe you would like to be taken down the fame way ! Mifs Pen. Oh ! you are pert ! But, fee, your lover approaches. Now, Sukey, be careful, child : ~none of your Qnter JENKINS as Sir Gregory Gazette, and HARTOP as Timothy. Jenk. Lack-a-day ! lady, I rejoice to fee you ! wonderful ! and your niece. Tim, the ladies. Hart. Your fervant, miftrefs j I am glad to fee you, Mifs Suck. \Salutes her.'] Fath and foul, Miftrefs Suck's a fine young woman, more or lefs ! Mifs Suk. Yes, I am well enough, I believe. Jenk. But, lady, where's my brother Trifle ? where is Sir Penurious ? Mifs Suk. Father's at home in expectation of you, and aunt and I be come to town to make prepa- rations. Jenk. 4 4 THE KNIGHTS. Jenk. Ay 1 wonderful ! pray, lady, fhall I, good now ! crave a word in private ? Tim, will you and your fweetheart draw back a little ? Hart. Yes, father : come, mifs, will you jog a tiny bit this way ? Mifs Suk. With all my heart ! Jenk. There is, lady a wonderful affair has hap- pened ; good now ! fon Tim has fallen in love with a young woman at his uncle's, and 'tis partly to pre- vent bad confequences that I am, lack-a-day \ fo hafty to match him ; and one of my men, good now ! tells me that he has feen the wench fince we have been in town j fhe has followed us here, fure as a gun, lady ! If Tim fees the girl he'll never marry your niece. Mifs Pen. It is indeed, Sir Gregory Gazette^ % moft critical conjuncture, and requires the moft mar ture deliberation. Jenk. Deliberation! Lack-a-day! lady, whilft we deliberate the boy will be loft. Mifs Pen. Why, Sir Gregory Gazette, what o- perations can we determine upon ? Jenk. Lack-a-day ! I know but one. Mifs Pen. Adminifter your propofitions, Sir Gre- gory Gazette j you will have my concurrence, fir, in any thing that does not derogate from the regu- lations of conduct j for it would be moft prepofte- rous in one of my character to deviate from the ftricteft attention. Jenk. Lack-a-day ! lady, no/uch matter is want- ed. But, good now ! could not we tack the young couple together directly ? your brother and I have already agreed. Mifs Pen. THE KNIGHTS. 45 Mifs Pen. Are the previous preliminaries fettled, Sir Gregory Gazette ? Jenk. Good now ! as firm as a rock, lady. Mifs Pen. Why then, to preferve your Ton, and accomplifh the union between our families, I have no objections to the acceleration of their nuptials, provided the child is inclined and a minifter maybe procured. Jenk. Wonderful ! you are very good : good now ! there has been one match already in the houfe to-day: we may have the fame parfon. Here, Tim; and young gentlewoman ! Well, mifs, wonderful ! and how has Tim Hey, boy, is not mifs a fine young lady ? Hart. Path and foul ! father, mifs is a charming young woman ! all red and white like Mally ~ Hum! Jenk. Hufh, Tim ! Well, and, mifs, how does my boy ? he's an honeft hearty lad ! has he, good now ! had the art How d'ye like him, young gentlewoman ? Mifs Suk.. Like'n ? Well enough, I think. Jenk. Why then, mifs, with your leave, your aunt and I here have agreed, if you are willing, to have the wedding over directly. Mifs Suk. Gad ! with all my heart. Afk the young man. Hart. Fath and foul ! juft as you pleafe, to-day, to-morrow, or when you will, more or lefs ! Jenk. Good now, good now ! then get you in there you will- find one to do your bufmefs. \Exeunt Hart, and Mifs Suk.] Wonderful ! matters will foon be managed within. Well, lady, this was, good now ! fo kind ! lack-a-day ! I verily believe if 46 THE KNIGHTS. if Dame Winny was dead that I fhould be glad to lead up fuch another dance with you, lady. Mifs Pen. You are, fir, fomething too precipi- tate : nor would there, did circumftances concur as you infinuate, be fo abfolute a certitude, that I, who have rejected fo many matches, fhould inftantane- oufly fuccumb. Jenk. Lack-a-day ! lady : good now ! I - Mifs Pen. No, fir : I would have you inftrudted, that, had not Penelope Trifle made irrefragable re- folutions, fhe need not fo long have preferved her family furname. Jenk. Wonderful ! why, I was only Mifs Pen. Nor has the title of Lady Gazette fuch refplendent charms or fuch bewitching allurements as to throw me at once into the arms of Sir Gregory. Jenk. Good now ! who fays Mifs Pen. Could wealth, beauty, or titles, fupe- rior to perhaps Enter SIR GREGORY and TIMOTHY. Tim. Yes indeed, father, Mr. Hartop knew on't as well as I; and Mr. Jenkins got us aparfon. Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! a rare couple of friends! but I'll be even with them! I'll marr their market! Mafter Jenkins, you have fobbed me finely ! Jenk. Lack-a-day ! what's the matter now ? Sir Greg. Come, come, none of your lack-a-d.iys ! none of your gambols nor your tricks to me ! good now, good now ! give me my clothes ! here, take your tawdry trappings ! I have found you out at laft ! TH be no longer your property ! Jenk. THE KNIGHTS. 47 Jenk. Wonderful ! what's all this, lady ? . Good now, good now ! what's here, a ftage-play ? Sir Greg. Play me no plays ! but give me my wig! and your precious friend, my loving coufm! (pize on the kindred !) let'n Jenk. Good now, good now ! what are thefe folks ? as fure as a gun they're mad ! Sir Greg. Mad ! no, no ! we are neither mad nor fools : no thanks to you though ! Mifs Pen. What is all this ? can you unravel this perplexity, untwine this myftery, Sir Gregory Ga- zette Sir Greg. He Sir Gregory Gazette 1 Lack-a- day! lady, you are tricked, impofed on, bam- boozled ! good now, good now ! 'tis I am Sir Gre- gory Gazette ! Mifs Pen. How ? 3lfw. Fath and foul ! 'tis true, miftrefs ; and I am his fon Tim, and will fwear it. Mifs Pen. Why, is not Mr. Timothy Gazette with my niece Sufannah Trifle ? ^im. Who, me ? Lord ! no, 'tis none of I, it is coufin Hartop in my clothes. Mifs Pen. What's this ? and pray who Enter HARTOP and Miss SUKEY TRIFLE. "Jenk. Why, as I fee the affair is concluded, you may, madam, call me Jenkins : come, Hartop, you may now throw off your difguife j the knight had like to have embarrafled us. Mifs Pen. How, Mr. Jenkins ! and would you fir, participate of a plot too ? Hart. 48 THE KNIGHTS. Hart. Madam, in the iflue your family will, I hope, have no great reafon to repent; I always had the greateft veneration for Mils Penelope Trifle's underftanding, the higheft efteem for her virtues ! and fhould think myfelf highly honoured in being regarded as her relation. Mifs Pen. Sir, I Ihall determine on nothing till I am apprifed of my brother's refolution. Hart. For that we muft wait. Sir Gregory, I muft intreat your and your fon's pardon for fome little liberties I have taken with you both. Mr. Jenkins, I have the higheft obligation to your friendfliip. And, mifs, when we become a little better acquainted, I flatter myfelf the change will not prove unpleafing. Mifs Suk. I know nothing at all about it. Hart. Sir Gregory, we Ihall have your company at dinner ? Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! no, no: that boy has fpoiled my ftomach ! Come, Tim, fetch thy rib, and lef us be jogging towards Wales: but how thouwilt get off with thy mother 27;. Never fear, father ! Since you have been pleas'd our nuptial knot to blefs, We fhall be happy all our lives more or lefs ! [Exeunt omnes.~\ FINIS, THE MAYOR OF GARRATT; A CO M E D Y IN TWO ACTS: AS rtiioRMEn AT THE THEATRES ROYAL. WRITTEN IV THE UAT SAMUEL FOOTE, Eft. A NEW EDITION. LONDON: FRIHTED ro* \V. LOW^'DES, No. 76, FLIIT.ST&SIT. '797' jPrice One Shilling* i , ^^ r 5 111 o c ^a *: I 1 6 3f H g5 o ^ R, o ^ ^ B-44!$J in ^ li S4M *, V* U THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. A C T L SCENE Sir JACOB'S Houfe at Garrat. Enter Sir JACOB. Sir Jacob* R OGER Enter ROGER. Rog. An an, Sir Sir Jac. Sir, firrah ! and why not Sir Jacob, you rafcal ? Is that all your man- ners ? Has his Majefty dubb'd me a Knight for you to make me a Mifter ? Are the candidates near upon coming ? Reg. Nic Goofe, the taylor, from Put- ney, they fay, will be here in a crack, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Has Margery fetch'd in the linen? Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Are the pigs and the poultry lock'd up in the barn ? Rog. Safe, Sir Ja&b. Sir Jac. And the plate and fpoons in the pantry ? A 2 Rog. THE MAYOR Yes, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Then give me the key ; the mob will foon be upon us ; and all is fifh that comes to their net. Has Ralph laid the cloth in the hall ? Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Then let him bring out the turkey and chine, and be fure there is plen- ty of muilard ; and, d'ye hear, Roger, do you ftand yourfelf at the gate, and be care- ful who you let in. Rog. I will, Sir Jacob. [Exit Rog. Sir Jac. So, now I believe things are pretty fecure: But I can't think what makes my daughters fo late ere they [Knocking at the gat-:. Who is that, Roger f Roger without. Mailer Lint, the potter- carrier, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Let him in. What the deuce can he want ? i Enter Lint. Sir Jac. Well, matter Lint, your will ? Lint. Why, 1 come, Sir Jacob, partly to enquire after your health ; and partly, as 1 may fay, to fettle the bufinefs of the day. Sir Jac. What bufinefs ? Lint. Your worfhi^. knoweth, this being the day of election, the rabble may be riot- ous ; in which cafe, maims, bruiies, contu- fipns, Or GARRATT. 5 /ions, dislocations, fracluresfimple and com- pound, may likely enfue: now your wor- ihip need not he told, that I arn not only a pharmacopoliR, or vender of drugs, but likewife chirurgeon, or healer of wounds. Sir Jac. True, matter Lint, and equally fkillful in both. Lint. It is your worfhip's pleafure to fay fo, ^ir Jacob : Is it your worship's will that I lend a miniftring hand to the maim'd ? Sir Jac. By all means. Lint. And to whom muft I bring in my bill? Sir Jac. Doubtiefs, the veftry. Lint. Your worship knows, that, kill or cure, I have contracted to phyfic the parifli poor by the great : but this muft be a fe- parate charge. Sir Jac. No, no; all under one: come, matter Lint, don't be unreafonahle. Lint. Indeed, Sir Jacob, I can hardly af- ford it. What with the dearnefs of drugs, and the number of patients the peace has pro- cured me, I can't get fait to my porridge. Sir Jac. Bad this year, the better the next We muft take things rough and fmooth as they run. Lint. Indeed I have a very hard bargain. Sir "Jac. No fuch matter ; we are, neigh- bour Lint, a little better inftrucled. For- merly, indeed, a fit of illnefs was very ex- A 3 penfive* 5 THE MAYOR penfive ; but now, phyfic is cheaper thaa food. Lint. Marry, heaven forbid ! Sir Jac. No, no; your eflences, elixirs, emetics, fweats, drops, and your paftes, and your pills, have filenced your peftles and mortars. Why a fever, that would former- ly have coft you a fortune, you may now cure for twelve penn'orth of powder. Lint. Or kill, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. And then as to your fcurvies, and gouts, rheumatifms, confumptions, coughs, and catarrhs, tar-water and tur- pentine will make you as found as a roach. Lint, Noftrums! Sir Jac. Specifics, fpecifics, mafterLint. Lint. I am very forry to find a man of your worfhip's Sir Jacob, a promoter of puffs ; and encourager of quacks, Sir Jacob. Sir yac. Regulars, Lint, regulars; look at their names Roger, bring me the news . not a foul of them but is either P. L. or M.D. Lint. Piaguy liars ! Murderous dogs ! Roger brings the News. Sir Jac. Liars ! Here, look at the lift of their cures. The oath of Margery Squab, of Ratcliff-Highway, fpinfter. Perjuries, OF GARRATT. 7 Sir Jac. And fee here, the churchwar- dens have figned it. Lint. Fi&itious, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Sworn before the worfhipful Mr. Juftice Drowfy, this thirteenth day of- Lint. Forgery. Sir Jac. Why, harkye, firrah, do you think Mr. Juftice Drowfy would fet his hand to a forgery ? Lint. I know, Sir Jacob, that woman; (he has been cured of fifty difeafes in a fortnight, and every one of 'em mortal. Sir Jac. You impudent Lint. Of a dropfy, by Weft Sir Jac. Audacious- Lint. A cancer, by del and- Sir Jac. Arrogant Lint. A palfy, by Walker Sir Jac. Impertinent Lint. Gout and fciatic, by Rock. Sir Jac. Jnfolent : Lint. Confumption, by Stevens s drops. Sir Jac. Paltry Lint. And fquinting, by the Chevalier Taylor Sir Jac. Pill- gilding puppy ! Lint. And as to the Juftice, fo the affi- davit brings him a fhilhng Sir Jac. Why, harkye, rafcal, how dare you abufe the commiffion ? You blood- A 4 letting, g THE MAYOR ting, tooth-drawing, corn-cutting, worm- killing, bliftering, gliik-n-g Lint. Blefs me, Sir J.cob, I did not think to Sir Jac. What firrah, do you infult me in my office ? Here, Roger, out wuh him turn him out. . Lint. Sir, as I hope to be Sir Jnc. Away with him. You fcoun- drel, if my clerk was within, I'd fend you this inft.:nt to Bridewell. Things are come to a pretty pafs, indeed, if after all my read- ing.in Wood, and Nelfon, and Burn ; if af- ter twenty \ears attencance at turnpike- meetings, kflions pea/ and qi artci ; if af- ter fettling of rates, licencing aie-houfes, and comnuttirjg of vagiv nts bu t a 1 1 refpeft to authority is ioa.ana Unus Qiiorun; now- a-days is no more re^aroed the n a petty conftable. [Knoik&gQ Roger, fee who is at the gate ? Why the fe'iow is deaf. Rog. Juliice bturgvon, the filh monger, from Brentford. & f , J:c. G.d's my life ! aid Major to the Middielcx militia. Uflier him in, Roger. _ ! Enter Major Sturgeon. Sir Jac. I could have wim'd you had come a little footer, Major Sturgeon. Major* OF GARRATT. 9 Major. "W'-.y, what has been the mat- ter, oir Jacob r 1 Sir Jac. 1 here has, M?ij T, been here an impudent pill-monger, -wh<; has d^r'd to found .Hze the whole DO ;v of tbe bench. Major. Infojent companion ! had I been here, 1 would have mitarnus'dihe rafcal at once. Sir Jac. No, no, he ".-anted the Major more than the Magiftrite ; a few frrurt ftrokes from your cane would hive fully anfwcr'd the purpoic Well, Major, our wars are dr.-ne $ the rattling drum, and fqueakingnfe, now wou nd our ears no more. Major. True, Sir Jacob, our corps is difembodied, fo the French may ileep in fecurity. Sir Jac. But, Major, was it not rather late in life for you to enter upon the pro- feflion of arms? Major. A little aukward in the begin- ning, Sir Jacob : the great difficulty they had was, To get me to turn out my toes ; but ufe, uie reconciles all them kind of things : why, after my firit campaign, I no more minded the noife of the guns than a fle,!-bite. Sir Jac. No! Major. No. There is more made of thefe matters than they merit. For the ge- neral good, indeed, I am glad of the peace ; but JO THE MAYOR but as to my fmgle felf And yet, wehava had fome defperate duty, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. No doubt. Major. Oh ! fuch marchings and coun- ter- marchingSjfrom Brentford toElin,frora Elin to Acton, from Aclon to Uxbridge ; the duft flying, fun fcorching, men fweat- ing Why, there was oar laft expedition to Hounflow, that day's work carried off Major Moloffas. Bunhill-fields never faw a braver commander ! He was an irrepa- rable Jofs to the fervice. Sir Jac. How came that about? Major. Why, it was partly the Major's own fault; J advifed him to pull on his fpurs before he went upon a&ion ; but he was refolute, and would not be rul'd. Sir Jac. Spirit ; zeal for the fervice. Major. Doubtlefs But to proceed : In order to get our men in good fpirits, we were quartered at Thiftleworth the even- ing before; at day-break, our regiment formed at Hounllow town's end, as it might be about here. The Major made a fine difpofition : on we march'd, the men all in high fpirits, to attack the gibbet where Gardel is hanging j but turning down a narrow lane to the left, as it might be about there, in order to poffefs a pig's ftye, that we might take the gallows in flank, and, at all events, fecure a re- treat, who (hould come by but a drove of fat OF GARRATT. Jl at oxen for Smithfield. The drums beat in the front, the dogs bark'd in the rear, the oxen fet up a gallop -, on they came thun- dering upon us, broke through our ranks in an inftant, and threw the whole corps in confufion. Sirjac. Terrible! , Major. The Major's horfe took to his heels ; away hefcour d over the heath. That gallant commander fluck both hisfpurs into the flank, and for fome time held by his mane j but in croffing a ditch, the horfe threw up his head, gave the Major a dowfe in the chops, and plump'd him into a gra- vel-pit, juft by the powder-mills. Sirjac. Dreadful! Major. Whether from the fall or the fright, the Major mov'd off in a month Indeed it was an unfortunate day for us all. Sir Jac. As how ? Major. Why, as Captain Cucumber, Lieutenant Patty-Pan, Enfign Tripe, and myfelf, were returning to town in the Turn- ham-Green ftage, we were ftopp'd near the Hammerfmith turnpike, and robb'd and flripp'd by a foot-pad. Sir Jac, An unfortunate day, indeed ! Major. But in fome meafureto make me amends, I got the Major's commiffion. &ir Jac. You did. Major. !2 THE MAYOR Major. O yes. I was the only one of the corps that could ride ; otherwise, we al- ways fucceeded of courfe: no jumping over heads, no underhand -work among us ; all men of honour; and I muft do the regiment the juftice to fay, there never was a let of more amiable officers. Sir Jac. Quiet and peaceable. Major. As lambs, Sir Jacob. Excepting one boxing-bout at the Three Compares in Aclon, between Captain Sheers andthe Co- lonel, concerning a game at All-fours, I don't remember a fingle difpute. Sir Jac. Why, that was mere mutiny; the Captain ought to have been broke. Major. He was , for the Colonel not on- ly took away his cockade, but his cuftom; and I don't think poor Captain Sheers has done a flitch for him fince. Sir Jac. But you foon fupplied the lofs ofMoloffas? Major. In part only : no, Sir Jacob, he had great experience; he was train 'd up to arms from his youth; at fixteen he trail'd a pike in the Artillery-ground ; at eighteen got a company in the Smithhcld pioneers ; and by the time he was twenty, was made aid-de-camp to Sir Jeffery Grub, Knight, Alderman, and Colonel of the Yellow. Sir Jac. A rapid rife! Major* OP GARRATT. IJ Major. Yes, he had a genius for war; but what I wanted in practice, I made up by doubling my diligence. Our poiter at home had been a fcrjeant of marines ; fo af- ter fhop was (hut up at night, he us'd to teach me my exercife ; and he had not to deal with a dunce, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Your progrefs was great. Major. Amazing. In a week J could {houlder, and reft, and poize, and turn to the right, and wheel to the left; and in lefs than a month I could fire without winking or blinking. Sir Jac. A perfect Hannibal ! Major. Ah, and then I learnt to form lines, and hollows, and fquares, and evolu- tions, and revolutions : let me tell you, Sir Jacob, it was lucky that Monfieur kept his myrmidons at home, or we mould have pep- per'd his ftat-bottom'd boats* Sir Jac. Ay, marry, he had a marvellous cfcape. Major. We would a taught him what a Briton can do, who is fighting pro arvis and focus. Sir Jac. Pray now, Major, which do you look upon as the bed cjifciplin'd troops, the London regiments, or the Middlefex militia ? Major. Why, Sir Jacob, it does not be- come me to fay ; but lack-a-day, they have aever feen any fervice Holiday foldiers ! 3 Why, 14 THE MAYOft Why, I don't believe, unlefs indeed updn a lord-mayor's day, and that mere matter of accident, that they were ever wet to the fkin in their lives. Sir Jac. Indeed ! Major. No ! foldiers for fun-fhine, Cock- neys ; they have no* the appearance, the air, the freedom, the Jenny fequi that Oh could you but fee me falute ! you have never a fpontoon in the houfe? Sir Jac. No ; but we could get you a ftove-pike. Major. No matter. Well, Sir Jacob, and how are your fair daughters, fweet Mrs. Sneak, and the lovely Mrs. Bruin ; is (he as lively and as brilliant as ever ? Sir Jac. Oh, oh, now the murder is out ; this vifit was intended for them : come, own now, Major, did not you expect to meet with them here ? You officers are men of fuch gallantry ! Major. Why, we do tickle up the ladies, Sir Jacob ; there is no refitting a red coat. Sir Jac. True, true, Major. Major. But that is now all over with me. " Farewell to the plumed fteeds and neigh- " ing troops," as the black man fays in the play ; like the Roman cenfurer, I (hall re- tire to my Savine field, and there cultivate cabbages. Sir y^c.Underthe (hade of your laurels. Majw. OF GARRATT. 15 Major. True ; I have done with the Ma- jor, and now return to the Magiftrate ; Cf- dunt Arma Togge. Sir Jac. Still in the fervice of your country. Major. True ; man was not made for himfelf ; and fo, thirVing that this would prove a bufy day in the jufticing way I am come, Sir Jacob, to lend you a hand. Sir Jac. Done like a neighbour. Major. I have brought, as I fuppofe mofl of our bufinefs will be in the battery way, fome warrants and mittimufes ready fill'd up, with all but the names of the parties, in order to fave time. Sir Jac. A provident magiftrate. Major. Pray, how (hall we manage as to the article of fwearing ; for I reckon we (hall have oaths as plenty as hops. Sir Jac. Why, with regard to that branch of our bufinefs, to-day, I believe, the law muft be fuffer'd to deep. Major. I fhould think we might pick up fomething that's pretty that way. Sir Jac. No, poor rafcals, they would not be able to pay ; and as to the flocks, we fhould never find room for their legs. Major. Pray, Sir Jacob, is Matthew Mar- row-bone, the butcher of your town, Jiving or dead ? Sir Jac. Living. Major. l6 THE MAYOR. Major. And fwe-ars as much as he ufed ? &n Jac. An alter'd man, Major; not an oath comes out of his mouth. Major. You furprife me ; why, when he frequented our town of a market-day, he has taken out a guinea in oaths and quite chang'd ? Sir Jac. Entirely; they fay his wife has made him a Methodifl, and that he preaches at Kennjngton-Common. Major. ' What a deal of mifchief thofe rafcals do in the country Why then we have entirely loft him ? Sir Jac. In that way : but I gota brace of bind-overs from him lad week for a couple of baftards. Major. Well done, mafter Matthew but pray now, Sir Jacob [Mob without huzza! Sir Jac. What's the matter now, Roger? Enter Roger. Rog. The electors defire to know, if your worfhip has any body to recommend ? Sir Jac. By no means; let them be free in their choice : I (han't interfere. Rog. And if your worihip has any ob- jection to Crifpin Heel -Tap the Cobler's being returning officer? Sir Jac. None, provided the rafcal can keep himfelf fober : Is he there? Rog. OF GARRATT. Ij Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob : make way there; (land farther off from the gate: here is Ma- dam Sneak in a chair,alongwith her hufbancL Major. Gad-fo, you will permit me to convov her in ? [Exit Major. Sir Jac. Now here is one of the evils of war* This Sturgeon was as pains taking a Billingfgate-broker as any in the bills'of mortality. But the fim is got out of his element ; the foldier has quite demolim'd the citizen. Enter Mrs. Sneak handed "by the Major. ' Mrs. Sneak. Dear Major, I demand a million of pardons. I have given you a pro- fufion of trouble -;,but my hu (band is fuch a goofe-cap, that I can't get no good out of him at home or abroad Jerry, Jerry Sneak! Your bleffing, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Daughter, you are welcome to Gamut. Mrs. Sneak. Why, Jerry Sneak ! I fay: Enter Sneak, -with a band-box, a hoop-pet- ticoat under his arm, and cardinal, &c. &c. &c. &c. Sneak. Here, lovy. Mrs. SneaL Here, Looby: there,laythefe things in the hall ; and then go and look after the horfe : are you fure you have got all the things out cf the chaife ? B Sneak: jg THE Sneak. Yes, chuck. Mrs. Sneak. Then give me my fan. [Jerry drops the things infearching his pocket for the fan. Mrs Sneak. Did ever mortal fee fuch a I declare, I am quite afham'd to be feen with him abroad : go, get you gone out of my fight. Sneak. I go,lovy : Good-day to my fa- ther-in-law. Sir Jac. I am glad to fee you, fon Sneak: ButwhereisyourbrotherBruin and his wife. Sneak. He will be here anon, father Sir Jacob; he did but juft ftep into the Alley to gather how tickets were fold. Sir Jac. Very well, fon Sneak. Exit Sneak. Mrs Sneak. Son ! yes, and a pretty fon you have provided. Sir jac. I hope all for the beft : why, what terrible work there would have been, had you married fuch a one as your fifter? one houfe could never have contain'd you < Now, I thought this meek mate Mrs Sneak. Meek ! a mufhroom ! a milkfop ! Sir Jac. Lookye, Molly, I have mar- ried you to a man ; take care you don't make him a monfler. [_Exit Sir Jac. Mrs Sneak. Monfter ! "Why, Major, the fellow has nomore heart thanamoufe: Had my OF GARRATT. l my kind ftars indeed allotted me a military man, I mould, doubtlefs, have deported myfelf in a befeemingly manner* Major. Unqueftionably, madam. Mrs Sneak. Nor would the Major have found, had it been my fortune to intermarry with him, that Molly Jollup would have dishonoured his cloth. Major. I mould have been too happy. Mrs. Sneak. Indeed, Sir, I reverence the army ; they are all fo brave ; fo polite j fo every thing a woman can wi(h- Major. Oh ! madam Mrs. Sneak. So elegant ; fo genteel ; fo obliging: and then the rank; why, who would dare to affront the wife of a Major? Major. No man with impunity ; that I take the freedom to fay, madam. Mrs. Sneak. I know it, good Sir : Oh ! I am no ftranger to what I have mifs'd. Major. Oh, madam ! Let me die, but (he has infinite merit. [Afide. Mrs. Sneak. Then to be join'dto aiheak- ing flovenly cit; a paltry, praying, pitiful pin-maker ! Major. Melancholy ! Mrs. Sneak. Tobejoftled and cramm'd with the crowd ; no refpecl:. no place, no precedence ; to be choak'd with the fmoak of the city; no country jaunts but to Iflmg- ton ; no balls but at Pewterers-hall. B 3 Major. . 20 THE MAYOR. Major. Intolerable! Mrs. Sneak. I fee, Sir, you have a pro- per fenfe of my fufferings. Major. And would fhed my befl blood to relieve them. Mrs. Sneak. Gallant gentleman ! Major. The brave muft favour the fair. Mrs. Sneak. Intrepid Major ! Mjor. Divine Mrs. Sneak ! Mrs. Sneak. Obliging commander ! Major. Might I be permitted the honor Mrs. Sneak. Sir Major. Juftto ravifh akifs fromy our hand. , Mrs. Sneak. You have a right to all we can grant. Major. Courteous, condefcending, com- plying Hum Ha ! XK\ Enter Sneak. : Sneak. Chuck, my brother and fifter Bruin are juft turning the corner; the Clap- ham flage was quite full, and To they came by water. Mrs. Sneak'. I wifh they had all been .fous'd in the Thames A praying, imperti- nent puppy ! Major. Next time I will clap a centinel to fecure the door. Mrs. Sneak. Major Sturgeon, permit me to withdraw for a moment -, my drefs de- mands a little repair. Major. Your ladyfhip's mod entirely de- Mrs. OF GARRATT. 21 Mrs. Sneak. Lady (hip ! he is the very Broglio and Belleifle of the army ! Sneak. Shall I wait upon you, dove ? Mrs. Sneak. No, dolt ; what, would you leave the Major alone Pis that your manners, you mongrel ? Major. Oh, madam, I can never be alone; your fweetidera will be my conftant com- panion. Mrs. Sneak. Mark that : I am forry, Sir, I am obligated to leave you. Major. Madam Mr^.Sn^.Efpeciallywithfuchawretch- ed companion. Major. Oh, madam Mrs. Sneak. But as foon as my drefs is reftored, I (hall fly to relieve your diftrefs, Major. For that moment I fhall wait with the greateft impatience. Mrs. Sneak. Courteous commander. Major. Barragon of women ! Mrs Sneak. Adieu! Major. Adieu ! [Exit Mrs. Sneak. Sneak. Notwithstanding, Sir, all my chicken has faid, I am fpecial company when (he is not by. Major. I doubt not, mafler Sneak. Sneak. If you would butcomeoneThurf- day-night to our club, at the Nag's-Head, in the Poultry, you would meet fome roar- ing, rare boys, i'faith; There's Jemmy Per- B 3 kins, 22 THE MAYOR kins, the packer ; little Tom Simkins, the grocer ; honeft Mailer Muzzle, the mid- wife Major. A goodly company ! Sneak. Ay, and then fometimes we have the Choice Spirits from Comus's Court, and we crack jokes, and are fo jolly and funny; I have learnt myfelf to {ing "An old wo- man clothed in grey." But I durft not fing out loud, becaufe my wife would overhear me ; and {he fays as how I bawl worfer than the broom-man. Major. And you muft not think of difo- bliging your lady. Sneak. I never does : I never contradicts her, not I. Major. That's right : {he is a woman of infinite merit. Sneak. O, a power : and don't you think fhe is very-pretty withal ? Major. A Venus ! Sneak. Yes, werry like Wenus Mayhap you have known her fome time ? Major. Long. Sneak. Belike, before fhe was married? Major. I did, M after Sneak. Sneek. Ay, when ihe was a wirgin. I thought you was an old acquaintance, by your khTmg her hand; for we ben't quite fo familiar as that But then, indeed, we han't been married a year. Major. OF GARRATT. 23 Major. The meer honey-moon. Sneak. Ay, ay, I fuppofe we fhall come to it by degrees. Bruin [within] Come along Jane ; why you are as purfy and lazy, you jade Enter Bruin and Wife ; Bruin with a cot" ton cap on ; his Wife with his wig, great- coat, andjifoing-rod. Bruin. Come, Jane, give me my wig ; you flut, how you have toufled the curls? Matter Sneak, a good morning to you. Sir, I am your humble fervant, unknown. Enter Roger. Rog. Mrs. Sneak begs to fpeak with the Major. Major. I will wait on the lady imme- diately. Sneak. Don't tarry an inftant; you can't think how impatient (he is. [Exit Major. Sneak. A good morrow to you, brother Bruin ; you have had a warm walk acrofa the fields. Mrs. Bruin. Good lord, I am all in a muck. Bruin. And who may you thank for it, huffy ? If you had got up time enough, you might have fecur'd the ftage ; but you are a lazy lie-a-bed. Mrs. Bruin. There's Mr. Sneak keeps my filler a chay. B 4 Bruin. 4 THE MAYOR Bruin. And fo he may ; but I know bet- ter wriLt to do with my money : indeed, if the war had but continued awhile, I don't know whatmought ha' been done; but this plaguy ] eace, with a pox to't, has knock'd up all the tiade of the Alley. Mrs, Bruin. For the matter of that, we can afford it well enough as it is. Bruin. And how do you know that ? Who told you as much, Mrs. Mixen ? I hope I know the world better than to truft my concerns with a wife : no, no, thank you for that, Mrs. Jane. Mrs. bruin. And pray who is more fit- terer to be trufted? Bruin. Hey-day ! Why, the wench is bewitch'd : come, come, let's have none of your palaver here Take twelve-pence and pay the waterman. But firft fee if he has broke none of the pipes And, d'ye hear Jane, be fure to lay the fuhing-rod fafe, [Exit Mrs. Bruin. Sneak, Ods me, how finely (he's ma- nag'd! what would I give to have my wife as much under ! Bruin. It is all your own fault, brother Sneak. Sneak. D'ye think fo ? (he is a fweet pretty creature. Bruin. A vixen. OF GARRATT* 2 Sneak. Why., to fay the truth, (he EtSes now and then heftor a little ; and, between ourfelves, domineers likethedevil: OLord, I lead the life of a dog: why, (he allows me but two (hillings a week for my pocket. fruin. No ! Sneak. No, man ; 'tis (he that receives and pays all : and then I am forc'd to trot after her to church, with her cardinal, pat- tens, and prayer-book, for all the world as if I was ftill a'prentice. Bruin. Zounds ! I would foufe them all in the kennel. Sneak. I durft not And then at table, I never gets what I loves. Bruin. The devil ! Sneak. No ; (he always helps me herfelf to the tough drumflicks of turkies, and the damn'd fat flaps of moulders of mutton; I don't think I have eat a bit of under cruft fmce we have been married : you fee bro- ther Bruin, I am almoft as thin as a lath. Bruin, An abfolute fkeleton ! Sneak. Now, if you think I could carry my point, I would fo fwinge and leather my lambkin ; God, I would fo curry and claw her. Bruin. By the lord Harry, me richly deferves it. Sneak. Will you, brother, lend me a lift. Bruin. Command me at all times. Sneak. THE MAYOR Sneak. Why then, I will verily pluck up a fpirit ; and the firft time (he offers to Mrs. Sneak[within] Jerry, Jerry Sneak! Sneak. Gad's my life, fure as a gun that's her voice : look-ye, brother, I don't chufe to breed a difturbance in another body's houfe ; but as foon as ever I get home Bruin. Now is your time. Sneak. No, no; it would not be decent, Mrs. Sneak, [within.'] Jerry ! Jerry ! Sneak. I come, lovy. But you will be fure to ftand by me? Bruin. Trot, nincompoop. Sneak. Well, if I don't I wifh Mrs. Sneak, [within.] Where is this lazy puppy a-loitering? Sneak. I come, chuck, as faft as I can Good Lord, what a fad life do I lead ! [Exit Sneak. Bruin. Ex quovis linguo : who can make a ft Ik purfe of a fow's ear ? Enter Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Come, fon Bruin, we are all featedat table, man; we have but juft time for a fnack : the candidates are near upon coming. Bruin. A poor, paltry, mean-fpirited Damn it, before 1 would fubmit to fuch a Sir Jac. Come, come, man; don't be fo crufty. Bruin OF GARRATT. 2/ Bruin. I follow, Sir Jacob : Damme* when once a man gives up his prerogative* he might as well give up But, however, it is no bread and butter of mine Jerry, Jerry ! Zounds, I would Jerry and jerk her too, [Exit. End of the Firjl Aft. ACT II. SCENE continues. Sir JACOB, Major STURGEON, Mr. and Mrs. BRUIN, Mr, and Mrs. SNEAK, difcovered, Mrs. Sneak. INDEED, Major, notagrain of curiofity. Can it be thought that we, who have a Lord-Mayor's fhow every year, can take any pleafure in this ? Major. In time of war, madam, thefe meetings are not amifs : I fancy a man might pick up a good many recruits : but in thefe piping times of peace, I wonder Sir Jacob permits it, Sir Jac, It would, Major, coft me my popularity to quafh it: the common people are as fond of their cuftoms as the barons were of their Magna Cliarta : befides, my tenants make fome little advantage. Enter 28 tHE MAYOR Enter Roger. Rog. CnTpin Heel -Tap, with the ele&ors, are fet out from the Adam and Eve. Sir Jac. Gad-fo, then they will foon be upon us : come, good folks, the balcony \vill give us the beft view of the whole. Ma- jor, you will take theladies under p roteftion. Major. Sir Jacob, I am upon guard. Sir Jac. I can tell you, this Heel-Tap is an arch rafcal. Sneak. And plays the bed game at crib- bage in the whole corporation of Garratt. Mrs. Sneak. That puppy will always be a- chattering. Sneak. Nay, I did but Mrs. Sneak. Hold your tongue, or I'll fend you home in an inftant Sir JK. Pr'ythee, daughter ! You may to-day, Major, meet with fomething that will put you in mind of more important tranfa&ions. Major. Perhaps fo. Sir Jac. Lack-a-day, all men are alike; their principles exactly the fame : for tho' art and education may difguife or polifli the manners, the fame motives and fp rings are univerfally planted. Major. Indeed! Sir Jac. Why, in this mob, this group of plebeians,youwill meet with materials to make a Sylla, a Cicero, a Solon, or a Caefar; let OF GARRATT. 2g et them but change conditions, and the world's great lord had been, but the bed wreftler on the green. Major. Ay, ay, I could have told thele things formerly ; but fmce I have been in the army, I have entirely neglected the clafles . Mob without huzza. iSzV/flc.Butthe heroes are at hand, Major. Sneak. Father Sir Jacob, might not we have a tankard of ftingo above ? Sir yac. By all means. Sneak. D'ye hear, Roger. [Exeunt. into the balcony. SCENE, A STREET. Enter Mob, with Heel -Tap at their hedd^ fome cry ingaGook ; others a Mug ; others a Primmer. Heel-Tap. Silence, there; fllence! ijl. Mob. Hear neighbour Heel-Tap. 2.d Mob. Ay, ay, hear Orifpin. $d Mob. Ay, ay, hear him, hear Crifpin ; He will put us into the model of the thing at once. Heel-Tap. Why. then, filence ! 1 fay. ' All. Silence. Heel-Tap. Silence, and let us proceed, neighbours, with all the decency and con- fufion ufual upon thefe occafions. ifl Mob. Ay, ay, there is no doing with- .out that. Ml jo THE MAYOR All. No, no, no. Heel-Tap. Silence then, and keep the peace : what, is there no refpeft paid to au- thority ? am not I the returning officer ? AIL Ay, ay, ay. Heel-Tap. Chofen by yourfelves,and ap- proved of by Sir Jacob ? AIL True, true. Heel-Tap. Well then, be filent and civil ; fland back there, that gentleman without a fhirt, and make room for your betters : where's Simon Snuffle the Sexton ? Snuffle. Here. Heel-Tap. Let him come forward; we ap- point him our fecretary : for Simon is a fcolard, and can read written hand ; and fo let him be refpefted accordingly. $d Mob. Room for Mafter Snuffle. Heel-Tap. Here, ftand by me : and let us neighbours, proceed to open the premunire of the thing: but firft, your reverence to the lord of the manor : a long life and a merry one to our landlord Sir Jacob ! Huzza ! Mob. Huzza! Sneak. How fares it, honed Crifpin ? Heel-Tap. Servant, Mafter Sneak. Let us now open the premunire of the thing, which I (hall do briefly, with all the loqua- city poflible ; that is, in a medium way ; which, that we may the better do it, let the fecretary read the names of the candidates, 3 and OP GARRATT. 31 and what they fay for themfelves ; and then we (hall know what to fay of them : Mailer Snuffle, begin. Snuffle. " To the worthy inhabitants of " the ancient corporation of Garratt: Gen- " tlemen, your votes and intereft are hum- " bly requefted in favour of Timothy ' Goofe, to fucceedyour late worthy may- " or, Mr. Richard Dripping, in the faid " office, he being" Heel-Tap. This Goofe is but a kind of Gofling, a fort of fneaking fcoundrel : who is he? Snuffle. Ajourneyman taylor, from Put- ney. Heel-Tap. A journey man taylor! A raf- cal, has he the impudence to tranfpire to be mayor? D'ye confider. neighbours, the weight of this office ? Why, it is a burthen for the back of a porter; and can you think that this crofs-legg'd cabbage-eating fon of a cucumber, this whey-fac'd ninny, who is but the ninth part of a man, has ftrength to fupport it ? i/ Mob. No Goofe ! no Goofe ! zd Mob. A Goofe ! Heel-Tap . Hold your hiffing, and pro- ceed to the next. Snuffle. " Your votes are defired for " Matthew Mug." V? Mob. A Mug ! A Mug ! OM-. o<2 THE, MAYOR Heel-Tap. Oh, oh, what you are all ready to have a touch of the tankard : but, fair and Toft, good neighbours, let us tafte this Mailer Mug, before we fwallow him ; and imlefs 1 am miftaken, you will find him a damn d bitter draught. 3/1 MoL A Mug ! a Mug / zd Mob. Hear him ; hear Mailer Heel- Tap. ift Mob. A Mug ! a Mug ! Heel-Tap. Harkye, you fellow, with your mouth full of Mug, let me afk you a quel- tion : bring him forward : pray is not this Matthew Mug a victualler? $d Mob. I believe he may. ^Heel-Tap. And lives at the fign of the Adam and Eve ? , %d Mob. I believe he may. Heel-Tap. Now anfwer upon your ho- nour, and as you are a gentleman, what is the prefent price of a quart of home-brew'd at the Adam and Eve ? %d Mob. I don't know. Heel-Tap. You lie, firrah: an't it a groat; $d Mob. I believe it may. Heel-Tap. Oh, may befo: now, neigh- bours, here's a pretty rafcal; this fame Mug, becaufe, d'ye fee, ftate-affairs would not jog glibly without laying a farthing a quart upon ale; this fcoundrel, not content- ed OF GARRATT. 33 ed to take things in a medium way, has had the impudence to raife it a penny. Mob. No Mug! no Mug! Heel-Tap. So, I thought I mould crack Mr. Mug. Come, proceed to the next, Si- mon. Snuffle. The next upon the lift is Peter Primmer, the fchool mailer. Heel-Tap. Ay, neighbours, and a fuffi- cient man: let me tell you, Mafter Prim- mer is the man for my money; a man of learning ; that can lay down the law : why, adzooks, he is wife enough to puzzle the parfon: and then, how you have heard him oration at the Adam and Eve of a Saturday night, about Ruffia and Pruflia: Ecod, George Gage the excifeman is nothing at all to un. ^th Mob. A Primmer I Heel-Tap. Ay, if the folks above did but know him ; why, lads, he will make us all ftatefmen in time. %d Mob. Indeed! Heel-Tap* Why, he fwears as how all the mifcarriages are owing to the great people's not learning to read. %d Mob. Indeed ! Heel-Tap. For, fays Peter, fays he. if they would but once fubmit to be learnedby me, there is no knowing to what a pitch the na- tion might rife. C T/2 Mob. - 04 THE MAYOR ift Mob. Ay, I wifh they would. Sneak. Crifpin, what is Peter Primmer a candidate ? Heel-Tap. He is, Matter Sneak. Sneak. Lord, I know him, mun, as well as my mother : why, I ufed to go to his lec- tures to Pewterers-hall 'long with deputy Firkin. Heel-Tap. Like enough. Sneak. Odds-me, brother Bruin, can you tell me what is become of my vife ? Bruin. She is gone off with the Major. Sneak. Mayhap to take a walk inthe gar- den; I will go and take a peep at what they are doing. (Exit Sneak. Mob without huzza. Heel-Tap. Gad-fo! the candidates are coming. Come, neighbours, range your- felves to the right and left, that you may be canvafs'd in order : let us fee who comes firft? ifl Mob. Mafter Mug. Heel-Tap. Now, neighbours, have a good caution that this Mafter Mug does not ca- jole you ; he is a damn'd palavering fellow. Enter Matthew Mug. Mug. Gentlemen, I am the foweft of your Haves : Mr. Heel-Tap, have the ho- nour of kifling your hand. Heel-Tap. There, did not I tell you ? 3 Mug. OF GARRATT. 3J Mug. Ah, my very good friend, I hope your father is well ? \Jl Mob. He is dead. Mug. So he is. Mr. Grub, if my wifhes prevail, your very good wife is in health. zd Mob. Wife ! I never was married. Mug. No more you were. Well, neigh- bours and friends Ah ! what honeft Dick Bennet. $d Mob. My name is Gregory Gubbins. Mug. You are right, it is fo ; and how fares it with good Mafter Gubbins ? ^d Mob. Pretty tight, Mafter Mug. Mug. I am exceedingly happy to hear it. qth Mob. Harkye, Mafter Mug. Mug. You rpleafure my very dear friend? ^th Mob. Why as how, and concerning our young one at home. Mug. Right ; (he is a prodigious promif- ing girl. ^tb Mob. Girl ! Zooks, why 'tis a boy. Mug. True , a fine boy ! I love and ho- nour the child. th Mob. Nay, 'tis none fuch a child ; but you promis'd to get un a place. Mug. A place ! what place ? qthMob. Why, a gentleman's fervice,you know. Mug. It is done ; it is fixed ; it is fettled. 4fh Mob. And when is the lad to take on! Mz^.Hemuftgoin a fortnight atfartheft. 2 g5 THE MAYOR tfh Mob. And is it a pretty goodifli birth Mafter Mug? Mug. The beft in the world ; head but- ler to lady Barbara Bounce. qth Mob. A lady ! Mug. The wages are not much, but the nails are amazing. 4th Mob. Barbara Bunch ? Mug. Yes ; Hie has routs on Tuefdays and Sundays, and he gathers the tables ; only he finds candles, cards, coffee, and tea. 4th Mob. Is Lady Barbara's work pretty tight? Mug. As good as a fine-cure ; he only writes cards to her company, and dreffes his miftrefs's hair. 4th Mob. Hair ! Zounds, why Jack was bred to drefiing of horfes. Mug. True ; but he is fuffered to do that by deputy. 4th Mob. May be fo. Mug. It is fo. Harkye, dear Heel-Tap, who is this fellow? I mould remember his face. Heel-Tap. And don't you? Mug. Not I, I profefs. Heel-Tap. No! Mug. No. Heel-Tap. Well faid, Mafter Mug; but come v time wears: haveyou any thing more to fay to the Corporation ? Mug. OF &ARRATT. 37 Mug. Gentlemen of the Corporation of Garratt. Heel-Tap. Now, twig him; now, mind him : mark how he hauls his mufcles about. Mug. The honour I this day folicit, will be to me the moft honourable honour that can be conferr'd; and, fhould 1 fucceed, you, gentlemen, may depend on my ufing my utmoftendeavours to promote the good of the borough; for which purpofe, the en- couragement of your trade and manufaclo- ries will moft principally tend. Garratt it mud be own'd, is an inland town and has not, like Wandfworth andFulhamandPut- ney, the glorious advantage of a port; but what nature has denied, induflry may fup- ply;cabbage,carrots,andcolly-flowr's,may be deemed at prefent, your ftaple commo- dities ; but why fhould not your commerce be extended ? Were I, gentlemen, worthy to advife, I fhould recommend the opening a new branch of trade ; fparagrafs, gentle- men, the manufacturing of fparagrafs: Bat- terfea, I own, gentlemen, bears, at prefent, the belle ; but where lies the fank ? In our- felves, gentlemen : let us, gentlemen, but exert our natural ftrength, and I will take upon me to fay, that ahundred of grafsfrbm the Corporation of Garratt, will in a fhort time, atthe London market,be held, at leaft as an equivalent to a Batterfea bundle. Mob. A Mug ! a Mug ! C 3 Heel- 38 THE MAYOR Heel- Tap. Damn the fellow wh at a tongue he has ! God, I muft ftep in, or he will carry the day. Harkee, Matter Mug! Mug. Your pleafure my very good friend : Heel-Tap. No flummering me: I tell thee, Matthew, 'twon't do : why, as to this article of ale here, how comes it about that you have raifed it a penny a quart? Mug. A word in your ear, Crifpin ; you and your friends fhall have itat threepence. Heel-T'ip. What, firrah, d'ye offer a bribe ! D : ye dare to corrupt me, you fcoundrel ! Mug. Gentlemen Heel- Tap . H ere, neighbou rs ; the fel 1 ow has offer'd to bate a penny a quart, if fo be as how I would be confeming to impofe up- on you. Mob. No Mug! no Mug! Mug. Neighbours, friends Mob. No Mug! Mug. I believe this is the firfl borough that ever was loft by the returning officer's refufmg a bribe. \_Exit Mug. zdMob. Let us go and pull down his fign. Heel-Tap. Hold, hold, no riot: but that we may not give Mug time to pervert the votes and carry the day, let us proceed to the ele61ion. Mob. Agreed! agreed! [Exit Heel -Tap, and Mob. Sir OF GARRATT. 39 Sir Jacob, Bruin, and Wife, come from the balcony. Sir Jac. Well, fon Bruin, how d'ye re- lifli the Corporation of Garratt? Bruin. Why, lookye, Sir Jacob, my way is always to fpeak what I think : I don't approve on'tat all. Mrs. Bruin. No! Sir Jac, And what's your objection ? Bruin. Why, I was never over-fond of your May-games: befides, corporations are too ferious things ; they are edge-tools, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. That they are frequently tools, I can readily grant ; butl never heard much of their edge. Mrs. Bruin. Well now, I proteft, I am pleas'd with it mightily. Bruin. And who the devil doubts it? You women folks are eafily pleas'd. Mrs. Bruin. Well, I like it fo well, that I hope to fee one every year. Bruin. Do you? Why then you will be damnably bit; you may take your leave I can tell you, for this is the laft you (hall fee, Sir Jac. Fye, Mr. Bruin, how can you be fuch a bear : is that a manner of treating your wife? Bruin. What, I fuppofe you would have me fuch a fniveling fot as your fon-in-law C 4 Sneak, 4O THE MAYOR Sneak, to truckle and cringe, to fetch and to Enter Sneak, in a violent hurry. Sneak. Where's brother Fruin? OLord! brother, I have inch a difmai ftory to tell you Rru'.n. What's the matter ? Sntak. Why, you know 1 went into the garden to look ior my vife and the Major, and th^re i hunted ^nd hunted as {harp as if it b-.-iu been for one of my own miuikens ; buttle deuce a Major or Madam could I fee: at laft, a thought came into my head to look for them up in the fummer houfe. Bruin, And there you r ound them ? Sneak. I'll tell you, the door was lock'd; and then I look'd thro' the key-hole : and, there, Lord a mercy upon us ! \Whifper s~^ as fure as a gun. Bruin. Indeed ! Zounds, why did notyou break open the door ?" Sneak. I durft not : what, would you have me fet my wit to a foldier ? I warrant the Major would have knock'd me down with one of his boots ; for I could fee they were both of them off. Bruin. Very well ! Pretty doings ? You fee, Sir Jacob, thefe are the fruits of indul- gence: you may call me a bear, but your daughter fhall never make me a baait Mob, OF GARRATT. ; 41 Mob huzzas. Sir Jac. Hey day! What is the ele&ion over already. A?zut of refpeft to their landlord, Sir Jacob, have unani- moufly chofen you mayor. Sneak. Me ! huzza ! good Lord, who would have thought it : but how came Mafter Primmer to lofe it ? Heel-Tap -. Why, Phill Fleam had told the electors, that Mafter Primmer was an Irifhman ; and fo they would none of them give their vote for a foreigner. Sneak. So then, I have it for certain : Huzza! Now, brother Bruin, you mall fee how I'll manage my Madam : Gad, I'll make her know I am a man of authority ; me (han't think to bullock and domineer over me. Bruin. Now for it, Sneak ; the enemy's at hand. Sneak. You promife to ftand by me, brother Bruin. Bruin. Tooth and nail. Sneak. Then now for it ; I am ready, Jet her come when ihe will. Enter 42 THE MAYOR Enter Mrs. Sneak. Mrs. Sneak. Where is the puppy? Sneak. Yes, yes, (he is axing for me. Mrs. Sneak. So, fot ; what, is this true that I hear ? Sneak. May be 'tis, may be 'tan't: I don't chufe to truft my affairs with a vo- man. Is that right, brother Bruin ? Bruin. Fine ! don't bate her an inch. Sneak. Stand by me. Mrs. Sneak. Hey-day ! I am amaz'd ! Why, what is the meaning of this ? Sneak. The meaning is plain, that I am grown a man, and vil do what I pleafe, without being accountable to nobody. Mrs. Sneak. Why, the fellow is furely be w itch 'd. Sneak, No, I am unwitch'd, and that you fhall know to your coft ; and fmce you provoke me, I will tell you a bit of my mind : what, I am the hufband, I hope ? Bruin. That's right : at her again. Sneak. Yes ; and you fhan't think to he&or and domineer over me as you have done ; for I'll go to the club when I pleafe, and (layout as late as I lift, and row in aboat to Putney on Sundays, and wifit my friends at Vitfontide, and keep the key of the till, and help myfelf at table to vhat vittles I like, and I'll have a bit of the brown. Bruin OF GARRATT. 43 Bruin. Bravo, brother! Sneak, the day's your own. Sneak. An't it? vhy, I did not think it vas in me : (hall I tell her all I know? Bruin. Every thing ; you fee (he is (truck dumb. Sneak. As an oyfter: befides madam, I have fomething furder to tell you : ecod, if fome folks go into gardens with Majors, mayhap other people may go into garrets with maids. There, I gave it her home, brother Bruin. Mrs. Sneak. Why doodle! jackanapes! harkee, who am I ? Sneak. Come, don't go to call names: am I ? vhy my vife, and I am your mafter. Mrs. Sneak. My mafter! you paltry, puddling puppy ; you fneaking fhabby, fcrubby, fniveling whelp ! Sneak. Brother Bruin, don't let her come near me. Mrs. Sneak. Have I, (irrah, demean'd myfelf to wed fuch a thing, fuch a reptile as thee ! Have I not made myfelf a bye- word to all my acquaintance ! Don't all the world cry, Lord, who would have thought it ! Mifs Molly Jollup to be mar- ried to Sneak ; to take up at laft with fuch a noodle as he ! Sneak. Ay, and glad enough you could catch me : you know, you was pretty near your laft legs. . Mrs. Sneak. 44 THE MAYOR Mrs. Sneak. Was there ever fuch a con- fident cur? My laft legs ! Why, all the country knows, I could have pick'd and chus'd where I would : did not I refufe 'Squire Ap-Griffith from Wales ? did not Counfellor Crab come a courting a twelve- month? did not Mr. Wort, the great brewer of Brentford, make an offer that I fhould keep my poft-chay ? Sneak. Nay, brother Bruin, (he has had werry good proffers, that is certain. Mrs. Sneak. My laft legs ! but I can rein my paffion no longer ; let me get at the villain. Bruin. O fye, fifter Sneak. Sneak. Hold her faft. Mrs. Sneak. Mr. Bruin, unhand me : what, is it you that have ftirred up thefe coals then ; he is fet on by you to abufe me. Bruin. Not I; I would only have a man behave like a man. Mrs. Sneak. What, and are you to teach him, I warrant But here comes the Major. Enter Major Sturgeon. Oh Major! fuch a riot and rumpus! Like a man indeed ! I wifh people would mind their own affairs, and not meddle with mat- ters that does not concern them : but all in good time; I (hall one day catch him alone when he has not his bullies to back him. Sneak. OF GARRATT. 45 Sneak. Adod, that's true, brother Bruin ; what fhall I do when {he has me at home, and nobody by but ourfelves ? Bruin. If you get her once under, you may do with her whatever you will. Major. Look ye, Mafter Bruin, I don't know how this behaviour may fuit with a citizen ; but, were you an officer, and Major Sturgeon upon your court-martial Bruin. What then ? Major. Then ! why then you would be broke. Bruin. Broke! and for what? Major. What ! read the articles of war : butthefe things are out ofyourfpear; points of honour are for the fons of the fword. Sneak. Honour ! if you come to that, where was your honour when you got my vife in the garden ? Major. Now, Sir Jacob, this is the curfe of our cloth : all fufpefted for the faults of a few. Sneak. Ay, and not without reafon ; I heard of your tricks at the king ofBohemy, when you was campaining about, I did : fa- ther Sir Jacob, he is as wicious as an old ram. Major. Stop whilft you are fafe, Mafter Sneak; for the fake of your amiable lady, I pardon what is paft But for you Bruin. Well. Major. Dreadthe whole force of my fury. Bruin. 46* THE MAYOR Bruin. Why, lookye, Major Sturgeon, I don't much care for your poppers and fharps, becaufe why, they are out of my way ; but if you will doff with your boots, and box a couple of bouts Major. Box! box! blades! bullets! Bagfhot ! Mrs. Sneak. Nor for the world, my dear Major ! oh, rifk not fo precious a life. Un- grateful wretches ! and is this the reward for all the great feats he has done ? After all his marchings, his foufmgs, his fweat- ings, his fwimmings ; muft his dear blood be fpilt by a broker ! Major. Befatisfy'd, fweet Mrs. Sneak ; thefe little fracafes we foldiers are fubjecl to; trifles, bagatailes, Mrs. Sneak: but that matters may be conducted in a military manner, I will get our chaplain to pen me a challenge. Expe6ttohearfrommy adjutant. Mrs. Sneak. Major, Sir Jacob ; what, are you all leagu'd againft his dear A man ! yes, a very manly action indeed to fet mar- ried people a quarreling, and ferment a dif- ference between hufband and wife : if you were a man, you would not ftand by and fee a poor woman beat and abus'd by a brute, you would not. Sneak. Oh Lord, I can hold out no longer ! why, brother Bruin, you have fet her a veeping : my life, my lovy, don't veep : OF GARRATT. 43 veep : did I ever think 1 fliould have made my Molly to veep ? Mrs. Sneak. Lafl legs ! you lubberly [Strikes him. Sir Jac. Oh, fye ! Molly. Mrs. Sneak. What, are you leagu'd againfi me, Sir Jacob ? Sir Jac. Prithee, don't expofe yourfelf before the whole parifh : but what has been the occafion of this ? Mrs. Sneak. Why has not he gone and made himfelf the fool of the fair ? Mayor of Garratt indeed ! ecod, I could trample him under my feet. Sneak. Nay, why fliould you grudge me my purfarment r> Mrs. Sneak. Did you ever hear fuch an oaf? why thee wilt be pointed at wherever thee goeft : lookye, Jerry, mind what I fay ; go get 'em to chufe fomebody elfe, or never come near me again. Sneak. What (hall Ido, father Sir Jacob? Sir Jac. Nay, daughter, you take this thing in too ferious a light ; my honed neigh- bours thought to compliment me : but come, we'll fettle the bulinefs at once. Neighbours, my fon Sneak being feldom amongft us, the duty will never be done, fo we will get our honeft friend Heel-Tap to execute the office ; he is, I think every way qualified. Mob. A Heel-Tap! Heel-Tap. What d'ye mean, as Matter Jeremy's deputy ? Sir 48 THE MAYOR, &C. Sir Jac. Ay, ay, his Locum Tenens. Sneak. Do, Crifpin : do be my Locum Heel-Tap . Give me your hand, Mafter Sneak, and to oblige you I will be the Lo- cum Tenens. Sir Jac. So, that is fettled ; but now to heal the other breach : come, Major, the gentlemenofyourclothfeldombearmalice j let me interpofe between you and my fon. Major. Your fon-in-law, Sir Jacob, does deferve a caftigation; but on recolleclion, a cit would but fully my arms. I forgive him. Sir Jac. That's right ; as a token of amity, and to celebrate our feaft, let us call in the fiddles. Now if the Major had but his fhoes, he mightjoin in a country dance. Major. Sir Jacob, no fhot^s, a Major muft be never out of his boots ; always ready for aclion. Mrs. Sneak will find me lightfome enough. Sneak. What are all thevomen engaged? why then my Locum Tenens and I will jig together. Forget and forgive, Major. Major. Freely, Nor be it faid, that, after all my toil, I ftain'd my regimentals by a broil. To you I dedicate boots, fword, and (hield, $ir Jac. As harmlefs in the chamber as the field. THE END. T H -E ORATORS, A COMEDY 1 O F THREE ACTS. WRITTEN 8T By SAMUEL FOOTE, AS PERFORMED AT C&eatre Eopal irt t&e WHERE MORE IS MEANT THAN MEETS THE EAR. IL PEXSEROSO, A NEW EDITION. L O N D Ni Printed for W* LOWNDES, W. NICOLL, and S. BLADON. M DCC i.xxxvin. Price One Shilling and Sixpence, LECTURER, TS PUPILS, &c. T A C . Mr. Foott; Mr. We/Ion. Mr. Pynn. Mr. Quick. Mr.JS annifler. Mr. Daw's. Mr. Loneman. Mr. Cfl/Zfc. Mr. Primer. Mr. Strange. Mr. SmftA. Mr. Pearce. Mr. ^T6 THE ORATORS. the matter, and another adminifters the manner, the cafe is widely different. In the firftinftance, a tolerable proficiency in reading is indifpenfibly requifite, as fcarce any memory but the late Mr. Heydegger's could retain, to any degree of certainty, the various parts of the Liturgy, the Old and New Teflament, briefs, faculties, excommu- nications, &c. &c. &c. and a hpfe on thofe folemn occafions might be attended with very aukward circumftances; nor would I here be fuppofed to infmuate, that the pieces of oratory delivered from the pulpit are not the compofition of the deliverer; no This is fo far from being generally the cafe, that I have often heard complaints made againft parti- cular agents, that they have forced upon their congregations their own crude and infipid productions, when,- at the fame time, their native language would furnifh them with fo extenfive and noble a collection of admirable materials. But here the auditor j unlefs he be well read in theology, may be led into a miitake; for there are fome men, who, by a particular happinefs in their manner, have the addrefs to make the works of other men fo abfolutely their own, that there is no dif- tinguifhing the difference; at this the poet hints in his male dum red fas, &c. For thefe various reafons, I think a warm application to the art of reading cannot be too ilrongly recom- THE ORATORS. 17 Recommended to the profeffors of this kind of oratory. With regard to the profefTors of the ftage, tho^ reading is undoubtedly ufeful, yet, as the performer is t6 repeat, and not to read, the deficiency may be fupplied by the intro- duction of a third agent, viz. a perfon to read to him till the words are rooted in his rhemory. This expedient, tho* tedious, I have known frequently praciifed with good fuccefs: little blunders will now and then unavoidably arife, either from the mifappre- henfion of the fecond agent, or the ignorance or waggery of the third; but thefe flips are generally uilobferved, or, thro* inattention or indulgence, overlooked by an audience. But to return to the coniideration of my own plan, from which no temptation fhall, for the future feduce me to digrefs. We will firlt, then, confidef the utility of* oratory, Secondly, the diftiiidfc and various kinds, or fpecies, of that fcience, as they are praciifed at this day in this kingdom. Thirdly, We will demonftrate, that every branch of Englifh oratory is peculiarly our own, owes its rife, progrefs, and perfection to this country* and was not only unknown to the ancients, but is intirely repugnant to all thofe principles they have endeavoured to efhbliih. B Fourthly, i8 THE ORATORS. Fourthly, that any rhetorical fyftem now exifting, inftead of a crofs in the hands, with letters to direct you on your road, will prove only but a Will in the Wifp, to confound, perplex and bewilder you. Fifthly, from hence will refult a neceffity for the immediate eftabltmment of an aca- demy, for the promulgation and inculcation of modern oratory. To which academy, the author of thefe propofals does hope, fixthly, that he fhall be appointed perpetual profeffor. Perhaps it may not be impertinent here to obferve, that the author has induftrioufly avoided, and will, in the courfe of this treatife, avoid all poetical allufion, all gran- deur of expreffion, all fplendor or* diction; in fhort, renounce every rhetorical prop, as knowing that, on didactic fubjects, order, fimplicity, and perfpicuity, are the means to gain his end> which is not to gratify the imagination, but to improve and polifh the undemanding of my countrymen. Firft, then, we are to demonftrate the uti- lity of oratosy : and, this, we flatter ourfelves, will, in a'great meafure, be evident from the confederation of its univerfality, and the di- ftindions it procures, both lucrative and honourable', to any man eminent in the art. There is", by the contlitution of this king- dom, an aflembly of. many individuals, who, as the kventh (on of a feventh ion is born a phyfrcian, THE ORATORS. 19 phyfician, are orators by hereditary right; that is, by birth they are enabled to give their opinions and fentiments on all fubje&s, where the intereft of their country is concerned : To this we are to add another affembly, confift- ing of 558 individuals, where, tho' the fame privilege is enjoyed as in the firft inftance, yet this advantage is not pofleffed in virtue of any inherent natural right, but is obtained in confequence of an annual, triennial, or fep- tennial deputation from the whole body of the people ; if then we add to this lift the number of all thofe candidates who are am- bitious of this honour, with the infinite variety of changes that a revolution of twenty years will produce, we cannot eftimate thofe funds of national orators in ejfe, poffe, and ve/le, to a fmaller quantity than 20,000; and this, I believe, by the difciples of Demoivre, will bethought a very moderate computation. The two orders of the long robe next de- mand our attention; and as the pre-eminence is unqueftionably due to the preifthood, let us confider what number of perfbns is necef- fary to fupply that fervice ? England is divided into nine thouiand nine hundred and thirteen parifhes : now, if we fuppofe two paftors for every parifh, this learned body will be found to confift of nineteen thoufand eight hundred and twenty-fix individuals ; but as the moft facred characters are no more exempted from that fatal ftroke that puts a temporary period B 2 to so THE ORATORS. to our exiftence, than the profane, it i^ neceffary that a provilion ihould be made of fit and ableperfons ; fo that at all events there be no lack of labourers in this plentiful vine- yard : nor has the policy of this nation been fo blinded as not to guard agafnft this poffible contingency, by erecting ichools, feminaries, and universities, in which a convenient quan- tity of our youth are properly trained, in order to fill up chafms which may be occa- fionally made by the infatiablefcythe of death. Jf then we eflimate this corps de referve at the half only of the {landing force, we (hall find the army entire amount to 29,739. I forefee that an objection will be mad$ to this calculation, viz. That two paftors to every parifh is a moft exorbitant and improb- able charge ; for that many parilhes, from impropriations, appropriations, and other accidents, inftead of two, are fcarce able to lupport one paftor; and that this complaint is almoil general throughout the whole principality of Wales, where many indivi- duals of this refpectable order, to the great damage of t;heir dignity, are obliged to have recourie to very unclerical profeffions for the fupport of themfelves and families. This objection we will allow its t full force; but then if it be coniidered that in our original eftimate we omitted all deans, canons, prebends, heads and fellows of colleges, chaplains to ihips, regiments, and private families, THE ORATORS. *i families, together with the whole body of diflenting minifters of all denominations, -field-preachers, and pari(h clerks, I believe we (hall be thought rather to have diminifhed than exaggerated the real quantity. As I have not been able to get admittance to the archives of the feveral inns of court in this metropolis, I am afraid we (hall not be able to determine, with the fame degree of certainty, the exact number of thole who have devoted their lives and labours to the explanation and due execution of our muni- cipal laws: I am, therefore, obliged to depend on circumftantial evidence, which, in fome cafes, is admitted, even in our courts, to have equal force with proof pofitive. And here the reafon of the law (as the law is the perfection of reafon) is extremely clear. To illuftrate this by an inftance : A fwears a robbery againft B ; A may lye, or at leaft be miftaken j but if the goods ftolen from A> and previoufly defcribed by him, are found, with their mark, in the poffeflion of B, B not being able to account for luch pofleliion, that circumftance (hall be deemed of at lead equnl weight againft B, as if A was to fvvear positively to the perional identity of B. This being the practice of the courts, we (hall proceed, with all poffible expedition (which, indeed, is not the practice of the courts), to produceour proofs c ire um- ftantial. As in the former inftance we have B 3 grounded 2 2 THE ORATORS. grounded our calculation on the number of parimes, we mall in this derive our compu- tation from. the number of houfes in the kingdom. To any man tolerably acquainted with the country of England, it is unnecefTary to ob- ierve, that not only in every town, but almoft in every hamlet through which he travels, his eyes are conftantly caught by the appearance of a fmart houfe, prefaced with white rails, and prologued by a red door, with a brafs knocker ; when you defire to be acquainted with the name and quality of the owner of this manfion, you are always told that it belongs to lawyer fuch a one : now, if a hamlet containing thirty houfes, with per- haps an environ of an equal number, where labour and the fruits of the earth are the only fources of wealth, can fupport one attorney in this rural magnificence, what an infinite number of lawyers can a com- merical capital fuftain ? But becaufe I would rather retrench than exceed, I will only quarter one attorney upon fifty houfes. The number of houfes in the reign of George the Firft ( fince which time the quantity is confiderably encreafcd, ) , was computed at 1,175,951. The number of attorneys then will be 23,5 1 8; and, if we reckon one barrifter to twenty attorneys, the fum total is 24,693. I know it will be here objected, that but one finall part of this numerous body can be benefited THE ORATORS. 23 benefited by my plan, the privilege of fpeaking publickly being permitted to the luperior order, the barrifters alone: but this criticifm is confined to the obfervation of what paflfes merely in Weft minder- Hall, without confidering that, at every quarter and petty feffion at all county-courts, courts-leet, courts-baron, &c. &c. &c. full power of pleading is permitted to every praclitioner of the law. As the number of thofe who incorporate themfelves to promote, not only with their cam but their counfel, the progrefs of the arts and fciences, is unlimitted, it will be impof- iible for any fixed period to afcertain their quantity: nor can we, with any certainty, as the Court-Regifter has been filent to the members of common-council, determine the amount of the city orators; befides, as what has been already offered is more than fufficient to prove the utility of our Icheme from its univerfality, we mall not trouble our readers nor ourfelves with any further calculations; for tho* they are replete with great depth of knowledge, are the refult of intente appli- cation, and the vehicles of mathematical truths, yet to the million the difquifition is but dry and tedious, and our purpofe always was, and is, to mix with our iuflruction a proper portion of deleclion. We will, therefore, for thefe reafons, haften to the coniideration of the iecond point B 4 propoled; 4 THE ORATORS. propofed, viz. An inquiry into the various kinds of oratory now exifting in this country. And we mall not, on this occafion, trouble ourfelves. with the inveftigation of all the fmaller branches of this art; but, like the profeflbrs in anatomy, consenting ourfelves with the difleclion of the noble parts, remit the examination of the ignoble ones to the care of fubaltern artifts. Leaving, then, to the minute Philofophers of the age all the orar tors of veftries, clubs, and coffee- houfes,Ptf/0 major a canamus; and for the better illuftration of this head, permit me, reader, to be a little fanciful. We will fuppofe oratory to be one large tree, of which tree fcience is thefW/*; eloquence the trunk; from which trunk fprout nine di{tinc~r. ramifications ; from which ramifications depends a fruit peculiar to each. But to make this clearer, we will prefenf thee with the tree itfelf, not enigmati- cally hieroglyfied, but plainly and palpably pourtrayed. Jrchbijhops THE ORATORS. - But here, reader, let me not arrogate to myfelf the merit of this happy explication; I own the hint was. firfl: given me with my Grammar, The ingenious, profound Lilly, after he has led his pupils through the vari- ous, and almoft impervious provinces of nouns, pronouns, verbs, participles, and ad- verbs, conducts them to the foot of that ar- duous and jftupendous mountain Qui Mibi: here, dreading left their youthful ardour might be damp'd with the fteep afcent, he reani- mates their flackened nerves wirh the myftic piclure of an apple-tree, the accefs to vvhofe Roughs, though tedious and difficult, will yet 2 6 THE ORATORS. yet be amply rewarded by leave to revel uncontrouled through the whole region of pepins. May the lufcious fruit fprouting from the apex of each of my ramifications prove an equal fpur to every beardlefs orator ! I don't know whether the mentioning another order of orators, as they are not at prefent exifting in this kingdom, may not be deemed an impropriety. But as I am a fin- cere/lover of my country, I can't help re- commending an immediate importation of ibme of thofe ufeful and able artifts. Sir William Temple, in his Eflay on Poetry, has recorded their virtues ; and as the race was not extinguished in his time, it is to be hoped that it ftill remains. In Ireland, fays Sir William, the great men of their fepts, among many officers of their family, had not only a phyfician, a huntfman, a fmith, and fuch like, but a poet and tale-teller. The firft recorded and fung the actions of their anceftors, and entertained the company at feafts ; the latter amufed them with tales, when they were melancholy and could not fleep : and a very gallant gentleman has told me, of his own experience, that in his wolf- hunting there, when he uied to be abroad in the mountains three or four days together, and lye very ill at nights, fo as he could not well deep, they would bring one of thofe talc-tellers, that when he lay down would begin THE ORATORS. 27 begin a ftory of a king, or a giant, a dwarf and a damfel, and continue all night long in fuch an even tone that you heard him going on whenever you awakened ; and he believed nothing any phyficians could give had fo good and fo innocent an effect to make men ileep in any pains or diftempe.rs of body or mind. Thefe areSirWilliam Temple's words, which contain an amazing inftance of the power of thofe orators over the paffions, it requiring full as much art and addrefs to af- fuage and quell, as to blow up, and excite, a tumult in the mind. In a bill not long fince depending in par- liament, for the better regulating the city- watch, a claufe was recommended, by a late refpectable magiftrate, that, to prevent the watchmen from fleeping at nights on bulks (the fource of many diforders) the faid watch- men mould be compelled to deep fix hours in the day ; an arch member feconded the mo- tion, and begged to be included in this claufe ; for that being grievoufly afflicted with the gout, he could not for many days fleep a lingle wink ; now if he could be compelled to take a fix hours fleep eveiy day, he apprehended that his fits would be of a much morter du- ration. Upon this dry comment, the mo- tion was ralhly rejected ; but if the houfe had received the leafl intimation of the aftonim- ing abilities of the Rockers, (for by that ap- pellation 1 choofe to diflinguim this order of orators,) eg THE ORATORS. orators,) I am convinced that the above claufe would not only have been received, but that proper encouragement would have been given, by parliament, for the introduction and eftablifhment of this ufeful oratorical feel. Nor, indeed contidering the vaft addition to our cuftomary cares, from the unaccount- able fluctuation of our funds, the caufe of con- cern to many thoufand individuals, do I think a vifit from a convenient quantity of thofe artifts would be now out of feafon ; but how this honour is to be obtained, whether any of thefe great men are now refiding ainongft us, under the difguifc of chairmen and hackney- coachmen; or whether it would not be more advifeable to employ thofe gentlemen who have fo lately and iuccefsfully rummaged the Highlands of Scotland and Ireland for the remains of Runic poetry iix fearch of the ableft profeflbrs; is fubmitted to the Society for the Encouragement of Arts. I am aware that, on this occafion, fome arch wag, poflefled of the fame fpirit with the above fenator, will object to my fcheme of importation, by aliedging, that we have of our own growth an ample provifion of rockers, and refer us for proof to our feveral churches and chapels, during the hours of eleven and two on a Sunday, where the deep-compelling power will be experimentally demonftrated to exift in its full force amongft us; but not to derogate from the abilities of my country- men, THE ORATORS.; 39 men, furely the fhortnefs of the time, the caufe of the nap, rarely continuing ahove fifteen or fixteen minutes, will not admit of a proper experiment: befides, how can one orator fupply a whole parifh, nnlefs, indeed our churches were to be converted into dor- mitories, which I can't think will happen, as this would be attended with inconvenien- cies too obvious to need a recital. Abftraded from this laft order, the Englim orators are to be divided into four diftinft claffes, the pulpit, the fenate, the bar, and the ftage ; with the firli of thefe branches, the pulpit, I than't interfere, and, indeed, fo few people now of confequence and coniideration frequent the churches, that the art is fcarce worth cultivation. The bar Scamper. Pfhaw! there's enough of this dull proving; come, give us a little of fome- thing that's funny; you talked about pupils. Could not we fee them ? Foote. Rather too precipitate, Sir; but however, in fome meafure to fatisfy you, and demonftrate the fuccefs of our fcheme; give me leave to introduce to you a moft extraor- dinary inftance, in the perfon of a young Highlander. It is not altogether a year fince this aftonifhing iiibjecl: fpoke nothing but Erie. Encouraged by the prodigies of my brother profefTor's ikill, whofe fame, like the Chevalier Taylor's, pierces the remotdt regions, his relations were tempted to fend this young genius to Edinburgh; where he went 3 o THE ORATORS. went through a regular courfe of the pro- fetor's lectures, to rmifh his ftudies ; he has been about fix weeks under my care, and, confidering the time, I think you will be amazed at his progrefs. Donald ! Enter Donald. What's yer wull, Sir? Foots. Will you give thefe ladies and gentlemen a proof of your fkill ? Donald. Ah, ye wad ha* a fpecimen of my oratorical art. Foote. If you pleafe. Donald. In gude troth on ye fal ; wol ye gi' me a topick ? Foote. O ! chufe for yourfelf. Donald. Its aw one to Donald. Foote. What think you of a mort pane- gyrick on the fcience we are treating of? Donald. On oratory ? wi* aw my heart. Foote. Mind your action ; let that accom- pany your words Donald. Dunna heed, mon The topick I prefum to haundle, is the miraculous gifts of an orator, wha' by the bare power of his words, he leads men, women, and bairns as he lifts Scamper. And who ? Donald, [tartly, ,] Men, women, and bairns. Scamper. Bairns ; who are they ? Foote. THE ORATORS. 31 Foote. Oh ! children his meaning is obvious enough. Donald. Ay, ay; men, women, and bairns, wherever he lifts ; and nrfl for the antiquity of the art Ken ye, my lads, wha was the firft orator ? Mayhap, ye think it was Tully the Latinefl ; ye are wide o'the mark ; or Demofthenes the Greek ? In gude troth, ye' re as far off as before Wha was it then ? It was e'en that arch-chiel, the Deevil himfel Scamper. \_HaJlily. ,] The devil it was ; how do you prove that ? Donald. Guds zounds, mon, ye brake the thrid of my harang; an ye'll but ha'd yer tongue, I'fe prove it as plain as a pike-ftaff. firehacL Be quiet, Will, and let him go on. Donald. I fay it was that arch-chiel, the Deevil himfel. Ye ken weel, my lads, how Adam and Eve were planted in Eden, wi* plenty o' bannocks and cail, and aw that they wifhed, but were prohibited the eating of pepins Scamper. Apples Donald. Weel, weel, and are na pepins and apples aw the fame thing ? Foote. Nay, pray, Gentlemen, hear him out. Go on with your pepins Donald. Prohibited the eating of pepins; upon which what does me the orator Satan, but he whifpers a faft fpeech in her lug ; egad 32 THE ORATORS. egad our grannurri fell to in an inftant, ancj eat a pepin without ftayitig to pare it {Addrefftf himfelf to the Oxonians.'} Ken ye lads, wha was the firfi orator, now ? 'Tirehack. [to Scamper."] What fay you to that ? Scamper. By my foul, the fellow's right * Donald. Ay, but ye wan'na ha* patience * ye wan'na ha' patience, lads Tirehack. Hold your jaw, and go dii - Donald. Now, we come to the definition of an orator ; and it is from the Latin words oro, orare, to intreat, or perfwad ; and how, by the means o j elocution, or argument^ which argument confifts o* letters, which letters, joined mak fyllables, which fyllables compounded mak words, which words com* bined mak fentences, or periods, or which aw together mak an orator, fo the firft gift of an orator is words - . ~, Scamper. Here, Donald, you are out. Donald. How fo ? Scamper. Words, the firft gift of* an orator ! No, Donald, no, at fchool I learned better than that : Do'fl: not remember, Will, what is the firft perfection of an orator? action. The fecond, action. The third, action. 'Tirthack. Right, right, Harry, as right as my nail; there, Donald, I think he has given you a dofe Donald. An ye (lay me, i' the midft o* my argument Scamper. THE ORATORS. 33 ticamper. Why don't you ftick to truth? Dwald. I tell ye, I can logically. Tirehack. Damn your logick Donald. Mighty weel Maifter Foote, how ca' ye this ufage? Foote. Oh! never mind them proceed. Donald. In gude troth, I'fe nat fay ane word mare. Foote. Finifh, finifh, Donald. - Donald. Ah ! they have jumbled aw my ideas together; but an they will enter into a fair argumentation, I'fe convince *em that Donald Macgregor is mare than a match. Scamper. You be Donald. Very weel Foote. Nay, but my dear Donald Donald. Hands, aff, Maifter Foote 1 ha' finifhed my tale, the De'el a word mare fal ye get out o* Donald yer fervant, Sir. [Ear//. Foote. You fee, gentlemen, what your impatience has loft us. Scamper. Rot him, let him go ; but is this fellow one of your pupils f why, what a damnable twang he has got, with his men, women, and bairns ! Foote. His pronunciation is, I own, a little irregular; but then confider he is but merely a novice ; why, even in his prefent condition, }ie makes no bad figure for his five minuses at the Robin-Hood ; and in a month or two, C we 34 THE ORATORS. we fhan't be afhamed to {tart him in a more refpeftatye place. But now, gentlemen, we are to defcend to the peculiar effential qualities of each diftinft fpecies of oratory ; and firft for the bar but as no didaclic rules can fo well convey, or words make a proper impreffion, we will have recourfe to more palpable means, and endeavour, by a lively imitation, to demon- ftrate the extent of our art. We muft, for this end, employ the aid of our pupils ; but as fome preparation is neceflary, we hope you will indulge us in a fhort interruption. End of the Firfi ACT THE ORATORS. 35 ACT II. SCENE, A Hall of Jujllce. Enter FOOTE. THE firfl fpecies of Oratory we are to demonftrate our (kill in, is that of the bar j and, in order to give our le&ure an air of reality, you are to fuppofe this a court of juftice, furnifhed with proper minifters to difcharge the neceflary functions. But, to fupply thefe gentlemen with bufinefs, we muft likewife institute an imaginary caufe ; and, that the whole may be ideal, let it be the profecution of an imaginary being; I mean the phantom of Cock-lane, a phaeno- menon that has much puzzled the brains, and terrified the minds, of many of our fellow- fubje&s. You are to confider, ladies and gentlemen, that the language of the bar is a fpecies of oratory diftinft from every other. It has been obferved, that the ornaments of this profef- fion have not ftione with equal luftre in an aflembly near their own hall ; the reafon affigned, though a pleafant, is not the true one. It has been hinted, that thefe gentlemen were in want of their briefs ; but was that C 2 the 3 6 THE ORATORS. '"the difeafe, the remedy would be eafy enough : they need only have recourfe to. the artifice fuccefsfully pra&ifed by fome of their colleagues ; inftead of having their briefs in their hands, to hide them at the bottom of their hats. [Calls to his pupils, who enter dreffed as a. jujlice* a ckrk y a fcrjeant at law y and a. counfellor ."] You will remember, gentlemen, your proper paufes, repetitions, hums, ha's, and mterjeftions : now feat yourfelves, and you the counfel remember to be mighty dull, and you the juftice to fall afleep. I mufi prepare to appear in this caufe as a witnefs. \Exlt. Jujlice. Clerk, read the Indi&ment. Clerk Reads. Middlefex, to wit. Fanny Phantom^ you are indited, That on or before the firir, day of January, 1762, you the faid Fanny did, in a certain houfe, in a certain ftreet, called Cock-lane, in the county of Middleiex, maliciouily, treacherouily, wickedly, and wilfully, by certain thump- ings, knockings, fcratchings, and flutterings againft doors, walls, wainfcots, bedfteads, and bedpofts, difturb, annoy, affault, and terrify divers innocent, inofFenfive, harmlefs, quiet, iimple people, reiiding in, at, near or about the faid Cock-lane, and elfewhere, in the faid county of Middlefex, to the great prejudice of THE ORATORS. 37 of faid people in faid county. How fay you, guilty, or Counfellor Jlops the Ckrk Jhort. May it pleafe your worfhip *hem I am counfel in this Caufe for the ghoft hem and before I can permit her to plead, I have an objection to make, that is hem I mall object to her pleading at all. "Hem It is the landing law of this country hem and has hem-^-always been fo allowed, deemed, and prac"tifed, that hem all criminals mould be tried par pares, by their equals- hem that is hem by a jury of equal rank with them- felves. Now, if this be the cafe, as the cafe it is ; I-^-hem I (hould be glad to know, hew my client can be tried in this here manner. And firft, who is my client ? She is in the indictment called a phantom, a ghoft; What is a ghoft ? a fpirit. What is a fpirit ? a fpirit is a thing that exifts indepen- dently of, and is fuperior to, flefh and blood. And can any man go for to think, that I can advife my client to fnbmit to be tried by people of an inferior rank toherfelf ? certainly DO I therefore, humbly move to fquafh this indictment, unlefs a jury of ghofts be firft had, and obtained; unleis a jury of ghofts be firft had and obtained. [Sits down. Servant. I am, in this caufe, Couniel againft Fanny Phantom the ghoft ; eh and notwithnanding the rule laid down by 3 M . 3 8 THE ORATORS. Mr. Profequi, be eh right in the main, yet here it can't avail his client a whit. We allow eh we do allow, pleafe your wor- fhip, that Fanny quoad Phantom, eh had originally a right to a jury of ghofts ; but - eh if me did, by any aft of her own, forfeit this right, her plea cannot be admitted. Now, we can prove, pleafe your worlhip, prove by a cloud of witnefles, that faid Fanny did, as fpecified in the indictment, fcratch, knock, and flutter ; eh which faid fcratchings, knockings, and flutterings eh being ope- rations, merely peculiar to flefh, blood, and body eh we do humbly apprehend eh that by condefcending to execute the afore- faid operations, fhe has waved her privilege as a ghoft, and may be tried in the ordinary- form, according to the ftatute fo made and provided in the reign of, &c. &c. &c. Your worfhip's opinion. Tirehack. Smoke the juflice, he is as faft as a church. Scamper. I fancy he has touched the tan- kard too much this morning; he'll know a good deal of what they have been faying. Juftice. \Is waked by the Clerk, who tells him they have pleaded.~\ Why the objection- oh brought by Mr. Profequi, is (whifpers the clerk) doubtlefs provifionally a valid objec- tion ; but then, if the culprit has, by an aft of her own, defeated her privilege, as aflertd in Mr. Serjeant's replication; we conceive fhe THE ORATORS. 39 (he may be legally tried oh, befides oh,- befides, I, 1, I can't well fee how we could impannei a jury of ghofts; or oh - how twelve fpirits, who have no body at all can be faid to take a corporal oath, as re- quired by law unlefs, indeed, as in cafe of the peerage, the priibner may be tried on their honour. Counfellor. Your worfhip's diftin&ion is juft; knockings, fcratchings, c. as afferted by Mr. Serjeant. Serjeant. Afferted Sir, do you doubt my inftru&ions ? Counfellor. No interruptions, ifyoupleafe, Mr. Serjeant; I fay as afferted, but can affertions be admitted as proofs ? certainly no Serjeant. Our evidence is ready Counfellor. To that we object, to that we object, as it will anticipate the merits< your worfhip Serjeant. Your worfhip Juftice. Why, as you impeach the ghoft's privilege, you muft produce proofs of her fcratchings. Serjeant. Call Shadrach Bodkin. Clerk. Shadrach Bodkin, come into court. Enter Bodkin. Serjeant. Pray, Mr. Bodkin, where do you live? C 4 Bodkin. 4 o THE ORATORS. Bodkin. 1 fojourn in Lukener's-lane. Serjeant. What is your profeffion ? Bodkin. I am a teacher of the word, and a taylor. Scamper. Zounds, Will, it is a methodift. Tirehack: No, fure ! Scamper. By the lord Harry, % it is. Clerk. Silence. Serjeant. Do you know any thing of Fanny the Phantom ? Bodkin. Yea I do. Serjeant. Can you give any account of her thumpings, icratchiags, and flutterin gs ? Bodkin. Yea manifold have been the fcratchings and knockings that I have heard. Serjeant. Name the times. Bodkin. I have attended the fpirit Fanny from the firft day of her flutcerings, even to the laft fcratch fhe gave. Serjeant. How long may that be ? Bodkin. Five weeks did fhe flutter, and fix weeks did fhe fcratch. Scamper. Six weeks Damn it, I wonder fhe did not wear out her nails. Clerk. Silence. Serjeant. I hope the court is convinced. Counfellor. Hold, Mafter Bodkin, you and I mufl have a little difcourle. A taylor, you fay. Do you work at your buiinefs ? Bodkin. No Counfellor. Look upon me, look upon the court THE ORATORS. 41 court Then your prefeut trade is your teaching ? Bodkin. It is no trade. Counfellor. What is it then, a calling ? Bodkin. No, it is no calling it is rather * as I may fay a forcing a compelling - Counfellor. By whom ? Bodkin. By the fpirit that is within me ^ Scamper. It is an evil fpirit, I believe ; and needs mutt when the devil drives, you know, Will. iTirehacki Right, Harry- Counfellor. When did you firft feel thefe Ipiritual motions ? Bodkin. In the town of Norwich, where I was born ; One day as I was fitting crofs- legged .on my (hop-board, new feating a cloth pair of breeches of Mr. Alderman Crape's I felt the fpirit within me, moving up- wards and downwards, and this way and that way, and tumbling and jumbling at firft I thought it was the colic Counfellor. And how are you certain it was not ? Bodkin. At laft I heard a voice whifpering within me, crying, Shadrach, Shadrach, Shadrach, caft away the things that belong to thee, thy thimble and meers, and do the things that 1 bid thee. Counfeilor. And you did ? Bodkin. Yea, verily. Counfellor. 4 2 THE ORATORS. Counsellor. I think I have heard a little of you, Mailer Bodkin ; and fo you quitted your bufinefs, your wife, and your children ? Bodkin. I did. Counfellor. You did But then you com- muned with other men's, wives ? Bodkin. Yea, and with widows, and with maidens. Counfellor. How came that about, Shadrach? Bodkin. I was moved thereunto by the fpirit. Counfellor. I fhould rather think by the flefh I have been told, friend Bodkin, that twelve became pregnant- Bodkin. Thou art deceived They were barely but nine. Counfellor. Why, this was an ative fpirit. Serjeant. But to the point, Mr. Profequi. Counfellor. Well, then you fay you have heard thofe fcratchings and knockings ? Bodkin. Yea Counfellor. But why did you think they came from a fpirit ? Bodkin. Becaufe the very fame thumps, fcratches, and knocks, I have felt on my bread-bone from the fpirit within me Counfellor. And thefe noifes you are fure you heard on the firft of January ? Bodkin. Certain Serjeant. But to what do all thofe inter- rogatories tend ? Counfellor. THE ORATORS. 43 Counfellor. To a moft material purpofe; your worfhip obferves, that Bodkin is po- litive as to the noifes made on the firft day of January by Fanny the Phantom : now if we can prove an Alibi* that is, that, on that very day, at that very time, the faid Fanny was fcratching and fluttering any where elfe, we apprehend that we deftroy the credit of this witnefs Call Peter Paragraph. Clerk. Peter Paragraph, come into court. Counfellor. This gentlemen is an eminent printer, and has collected, for the public in- formation, every particular relative to this re- markable ftory ; but as he has the misfortune to have but one leg, your worfhip will in- dulge him in the ule of a chair. Clerk. Peter Paragraph, come into court. "Enter Paragraph. Counsellor. Pray, Mr. Paragraph where was you born ? Paragraph. Sir, I am a native of Ireland, and born and bred in the city of Dublin. Counfellor. When did you arrive in the city of J^ondon ? Paragraph. About the laft autumnal equi- nox j and now I recollect, my Journal makes mention of my departure for England, in the Befsborough Packet, Friday, October the tenth, N. S. or New Stile. Counfellor. 44 THE ORATORS. Cottnfellori Oh I then the Journal is yours? Paragraph. Pleafe your worfhip, it is ; and relating thereto I believe I can give you a pleafant conceit Laft week I went to vifit a peer, for I know peers, and peers know me. Quoth his lordfhip to me, Mr. Paragraph, with refpedt to your Journal, I would wifh that your paper was whiter, or your ink blacker. Quoth I to the peer, by way of reply, I hope you will own there is enough for the money ; his lordfhip was pleafed to laugh. It was fuch a pretty repartee, he, he, he^ he Jujlice. Pray, Mr. Paragraph, what might be your bufinefs in England } Paragraph. Hem a little love affair, pleafe your worfhip. Counfellor. A wife, I fuppofe Paragraph. Something tending that way ; even fo long ago as January 1739-40, there paft fome amorous glances between us ; me is the daughter of old Vamp of the Turnftile; but at that time I ftifled my paflion, Mrs. Paragraph being then in the land of the living. Counfellor. She is now dead ? Paragraph. Three years and three quar- ters, pleafe your worihip : we were exceed- ing happy together ; me was, indeed, a little apt to be jealous. Counfellor. No wonder Paragraph. THE ORATORS. 43 Paragraph. Yes: they can't help it, poor fouls; but notwithftanding, at her death, I gave her a prodigious good character in my Journal. Counfellor. And how proceeds the prefent affair ? Paragraph. Juft now, we are quite at a ftand Counfellor. How fo ? Paragraph. The old fcoundrel her father has played me a flippery trick. Counfellor. Indeed ! Paragraph. As he could give no mo- ney in hand, I agreed to take \\et fortune in copies- ; I was to have the Wits Vade Mucum entire; four hundred of news from the invi- fible world, in meets; all that remained of Glanvil upon Witches; Hill's Bees, Bardana, Brewing, and Balfam of Honey, and three eights of Robinfon Crufoe. Counfellor. A pretty fortune 1 Paragraph. Yes ; they are things that ftir in the trade; hut you muft know that we agreed to go halves in Fanny the Phantom. But whilft I and two authors, whom I had hired to afk questions, at nine {hillings a night, were taking notice of the knockings at the houfe of Mr. Parfons himfelf, that old rafcal Vamp had privately printed off a thoufand eighteenpenny fcratchings, pur- chafed of two methodift preachers, at the public houfe over the way* Counfellor. 46 THE ORATORS. Counfellor. Now we come to the point look upon this evidence; was he prefent at Mr. Parfons's knockings? Paragraph, Never; this is one of the raf- cally methodifts Harkee, fellow, how could you be fuch a fcoundrel to fell for genuine your counterfeit fcratchings to Vamp ? Bodkin. My fcratchings were the true fcratchings Paragraph. Why, you lying fon of a whore, did not I buy all my materials from the girl's father himfelf ? ( Bodkin. What the fpirit commanded, that did I. Paragraph. What fpirit? Bodkin. The fpirit within me Paragraph. If I could but get at you, I would foon try what fort of a fpirit it is flop, you villain. [Exit Bodkin.] The rogue has made his efcape but I will dog him, to find out his haunts, and then return for a warrant His fcratchings ! a fcoundrel ; I will have juftice, or I'll turn his tabernacle into a pigftye. [Exit Paragraph. Counfellor. \ hope, pleafe your worfliip, we have fufficiently eftabli fried our Alibi. Juftice. You are unqueftionably entitled to a jury of ghofts. Counfellor. Mr. Serjeant, you will provide us a lift? Serjeant. Let us fee you have no objection to THE ORATORS. 47 to Sir George Villars; the evil genius of Brutus; the ghoft of Banquo; Mrs. Veal. Ccunfellor. We object to a woman your worfhip Juftice. Why, it is not the practice; this, it muft be owned, is an extraordinary cafe. But, however, if, on conviction, the Phan- tom fhould plead pregnancy, Mrs. Veal will be admitted into the jury of matrons. Serjeant. I thank your worfhip : then the court is adjourned. [Terence and Dermot in fin upper box* Terence. By my fhoul, but I will fpake. Dermot. Arrah, be quiet, Terence. Terence. Dibble burn me but I will; hut, hut, not fpake, what mould ail me ? harkee you, Mr. Juftice Scamper. Halloo, what's the matter now, Will ? Dermot. Leave off, honey Terence, now you are well Terence. Dermot, be eafy Scamper. Hear him Tirehack. Hear him Terence. Ay, hear him, hear him ; why the matter is this, Mr. Juftice, that little hopping fellow there, that Dublin Journal man, is as great a liar as ever was born Tirehack. How fo ? Terence. Ay, prithee don't bodder me; what, dy'e learn no more manners at Oxford college, than to flop a gentleman in the midfl of 48 THE ORATORS. of his fpeech before he begins ? oh, for fhame of yourfelf Why the matter is this, Mr. Juftice, that there what the debble dy'e call him, Pra-Praragraf, but by my fhoul, that is jione of his name neither, I know the little baftard as well as myfelf ; as to Fanny the Phantom, long life to the poor gentlewoman, he knows no more of her than the mother that bore her Suds. Indeed \ good lord, you furprife me ! Terence. Arrah, now, honey Suds, fpake when you are fpoke to ; you arn't upon the jury, my jewel, now; by my fhoul you are a little too fat for a ghoft. Tirehack. Prithee, friend Ephraim, let him go on; let's hear a little wha,t he would be at Terence. I fay, he knows nothing about the cafe that is litigated here, d'ye fee, at all, at all ; becaufe why, I hant ha been from Dublin above four weeks, or a month ; and I faw him iu his mop every day ; fo how could he be here and there too ? unlefs, in- deed, he uied to fly backwards and forwards, and that you fee is impoflible, becaufe why, he has got a wooden leg, Scamper. What the devil is the fellow about ? Tireback. I fmoke him harkee, Terence, who do you take that lame man to be ? Terence* Oh, my jewel, I know him werl enough THE ORATORS. 49 enough fure by his parfon, for all he thought to conceal himfelf by changing his name Scamper. Why, it is Foote, you fool. Terence. Arrah, who ? Tirehack. Foote. Terence. Fot, what the lecture-man ? Pa Tire hack. Yes. Terence. Arrah, be eafy, honey Scamper. Nay, enquire of Suds. Suds. Truly I am minded 'twas he. Terence. Your humble fervant yourfelf, Mr. Suds; by my fhoul, I'll wager you three thirteens to a rap, that it is no fuch matter at all, at all. Scamper. Done and be judged by the company. Terence. Done I'll aik the orator himfelf here he comes j Enter FOOTE. harkee, honey Fot, was it yourfelf that was happing about here but now ? Foote. I have heard your debate, and muft give judgment againft you Terence. What, yourfelf, yourfelf! 'Foote. It was Terence. Then, faith, I have loft my thir- teens Arrah, but Fot, my jewel, why are you after playing fuch pranks to bring an honeit jontleman into company where he is D nar 0p THE ORATORS. na t But what is this felling of le&ures a thriving profeffion? Foots. I can't determine as yet ; the pub- lic have been very indulgent; I have not long opened. Terence. By my fhoul, if it anfwers, will you be my pupil and learn me the trade ? Foote. Willingly-- Terence. That's an honeft fellow, long life to you, lad. [Sits down. Enter M'George. M'George. Here is Doctor Frifcano with^ out. Foote. Frifcano who is he ? M'George. The German phyfician from James-Street. Foote. Well ; what is his bufmefs with me ? M 1 - George. He is in danger of lofing his trade. Foote. How fo ? M-George. He fays, lad fummer, things went on glibly enough, for then he had the market all to himfelf ; but this year there is an Italian fellow darted up in the garden, that with his face and grimace has taken all his patients away t Foote. That's hard. M l George. Dreadful if you was to hear the poor man's terrible tale you would really b.e THE ORATORS. 51 "be moved to compaffion : he fays that his bleeding won't find him in bread ; and as to the tooth trade, excepting two fhimps, for iixpence a piece, 'tis a month lince he looked in a mouth Foote. How can I help him ? M'George. Why he thinks oratory will do all with the Englim; and if you would but teach him to talk, he mould get his cuf- fom again - Foote. Can he read ? M'George. Oh Lord! poor man, no. Foote. Well let him attend here on M'George. He hopes that you will quickly difpatch him, for if he finds he can't do as a doctor, he intends to return to the curing pf horfes again. Foote. Well, tell him he may reft allured, he fhall either Weed or fhoe in a fortnight. [Exit M* George. Foote. Having thus completed our lecture on the eloquence peculiar to the bar, we mall produce one great group of orators, in which will be exhibited fpecirnens of every branch of the art. You will have, at one view, the choleric, the placid, the voluble, the frigid, the frothy, the turgid, the calm, and the cla- morous; and as a proof of our exquifite fkill, our fubje&s are not fuch as a regular edu- cation has prepared for the reception of this fublime fcience, but a fet of illiterate me- D 2 chanics, 5 2 V THE ORATORS. chanics, whom you are to fuppofe aflembled at the Robin-Hood in the Butcher- row, in order to difcufs and adjuft the various fyftems of Europe ; but particularly to determine the feparate intereft of their own mother country. End of the Second ACT THE ORATORS. 5$ ACT III. SCENE, rhe Robin-Hood. The PRESIDENT. Dermot O'Droheda,^ Chairman; Tim Twift, a 'Taylor ; Strap, a Shoemaker ; Anvil, a Smith; Sam Slaughter, a Butcher ', Catch- pole, a Bailiff. All with pewter pots be* fore them. PRESIDENT. SILENCE, gentlemen; are your pots replenifhed with porter ? AIL Full, Mr. Prefident. Prejident. We will then proceed to the bufmefs of the day ; and let me beg, gentle- men, that you will, in your debates, preferve that decency and decorum that is due to the importance of your deliberations, and the dignity of this illuftrious affembly \Gets ttp 9 puils of his hat, and reads the motion."] Motion made laft Monday to be debated to-day, " That, for the future, inftead of that vulgar *' potation called porter, the honourable D 3, " jnembers j4 THE ORATORS. " members may be fupplied with a proper " quantity of I rifli ufquebagh. " Dermot O'Droheda f his mark." O'Droheda. \Gets /.] That's I myfelf. Prefident. Mr. O'Droheda. O'Droheda. Mr. Prefident, the cafe is this; it is not becafe I am any great lover of that fame ufquebagh that I have fet my mark to the motion; but becafe I did not think it was decent for a number of gentlemen that were, d'ye fee, met to fettle the affairs of the nation, to be guzzling a pot of porter; to be fure the liquor is a pretty fort of a liquor enough when a man is hot with trotting between a couple of poles; but this is anotherguefs matter, be- cafe why, the head is concerned; and if it was not for the malt and the haps, dibble burn me but I would as foon take a drink from the *fnames as your porter. But as to ufquebagh ; ah, long life to the liquor it Is an exhilirator of the bowels, and a fromatic to the head; I fay, Mr. Prefident, it invi- gorates, it ftimulates, it^ in fhort it is the onlieft liquor of life^ and no man alive will die whilft he drinks it. [Sits down. Twift gets up, having a piece of 'paper ; containing the heads of ES, At Sixpence each. The Playt marled thus *, art either thofe nuhtih form, THE NEW ENGLISH THEATRE, or arefucb as have been printed jince that .publication, in the fame elegant ABRAMULE, by Dr. Trapp Adventures of Half an Hour, by Bullock Agis, by Mr. Home Albion and Albanius, by Dry- den Albion Queens, by Banks Alchemitt, by Ben Jonfon Alcibiades, by Otway *A11 for Love, by Dryden Amboyna, by Dryden Amphitryon, by Dryden 'Amphitryon, altered by Dr. Hawkefworth Anatomift, by Ravenfcroft Antony and Cleopatra, by Shakfpeare Arden of Feverfham, Lillo 'Artaxerxes, by Dr. Arne Artful Hufband, Taverner *Arthur and Emmeline Artifice, by Mrs. Centlivre 'As you Like it, Shakfpeare Athaliah, by Duncombe Aurengzebe, by Dryden 'Barbarofla, by Dr. Brown Bartholomew Fair, Jonfon Baffet Table, by Centlivre * Beaux Stratagem, by Farquhar *Beggar's Opera, by Gay Biter, by Rowe *Bold Stroke for a Wife, by Mrs. Centlivre Britim Enchanters, by Lanf- downe 'Brothers, by Dr. Young Bufiris, by Dr. Young *Bufy Body, by Centlivre Csefar in Egypt, by Gibber *Carelefs Hufband, ditto Catiline, by Ben Jonfon *Cato, byAddifon Cheats of Scapin, Otway Chances, by Buckingham 'Chances, by Garrick Chaplet, by Mofes Mendez Cleomenes, by Dryden Cobler of Prefton, by Bullock Comedy of Errors, by Shak- fpeare Comical Lovers, by Gibber 'Committee, by Howard 'Confederacy, by Vanbrugh Conqueft of Granada, Dryden 'Confcious- Lovers, by Steelc Conftantine the Great, Lee 'Conftant Couple, Farquhar Contrivances, by H. Carey 'Coriolanus, by. Shakfpeare Country Laffes, by Johnfon Country Wife, by Wycherley 'Country Wife, by Garrick Country Wit, by Crown 'Cymbeline, by Garrick Damon and Phillida, Dibdin Devil of a Wife, by Jevon Devil to Pay, by Coffey 'Diftreft Mother, by Philips Don Carlos, by Otway 'Double Dealer, Congreve 'Double Gallant, by Cibber 'Douglas, by Mr. Home Dragon of Wantley, by Carey PLAYS printed for W. Low NOES. * Drummer, by Addifon Duke and no Duke, Cockain Duke of Guife, by Dryden Earl of Eflex, by Banks *Earl of Eflex, by Jones Earl of Warwick, by Franklin Edward the Black Prince, by Shirley Evening's Love, by Dryden *Every Man in his Humour, by Garrick *Fair Penitent, by Rowe Fair Quaker of Deal, by C. Shadwell Falfe Friends, by Vanbrugh Fatal Secret, by Theobald Flora, or Hob in the Well, by Hippifley Fox, by Ben Jonfon Foundling, by Moore Friendihip in Fafhion, Otway *Faneral, by Steele Gamefter, by Centlivre Gamefter, by Mr. Moore Gentle Shepherd, by Ramfay *George Barnwell, by Lillo Gil Bias, by Mr. Moore Gloriana, by Lee Great Favourite, by Howard Grecian Daughter, by Mr. Murphy Greenwich Park, Mountfort Hamlet ^ Henry IV. 2 parts I ~^ Henry V. V| gj Henry VI. 3 parts I a - Henry VIII. J ' Henry V. by Hill Honeft Yorkfhireman, Carey Humours of Purgatory, Griffin Hypocrite, by Bickerftaff Jane Gray, by Rowe Jane Shore, by Rowe Inconftant, by Farquhar Ifabella, by Garrjck Ifland Princefs, by Motteux Julius Caefar, by Shakfpeare King Charles I. by Havard *King John, by Shakfpeare *King Lear, by Garrick King Lear, by Shakfpeare King Lear, by Tate Limberham, by Dryden *Lionel and Clariita, by Mr. Bickerftaff Litigants, by Ozell *Love for Love, Congreve Love in a Mift, Cunningham Love in a Tub, by Etherege *Love makes a Man, C. Gibber Love's Laft Shift, C. Gibber *Love in a Village, Bickerftaff Love's Labour Loft, Shakfpeare Love Triumphant, by Dryden Lying Lover, by Steele *Macbeth, by Shakfpeare *Mahomet, by Miller *Maid of the Mill, Bickerftaff Man of Mode, Etherege Mariamne, by Fenton Maflacre at Paris, by Lee *Medea, by Mr. Glover *Meafure for Meafure, by Shakfpeare *Merchant of Venice, ditto *Merope, by A. Hill *Merry Wives of Windfor, by Shakfpeare Miller of Mansfield, Dodfley *Minor, by Foote *Mifer, by Fielding Miftake, by Vanbrugh Mourning Bride, Congreve *Much ado about Nothing, by Shakfpeare Muftapha, by Orrery New Way to pay Old Debts, altered from Maffinger Non juror, by C. Gibber Oedipus, by Dryden *Old Bachelor, by Congrete Orphan, by Otway *Oroonoko, by Southern *Othello, by Shakfpeare PLAYS printtd for W. Perjured Hufband, Ccntlivre Perolla and Izadora, Cibber *Phaedra and Hippolitus, by Smith Philotas, by Frowde Pilgrim, by Fletcher Polly, by Gay Prophetefs, by Beaumont *Provoked Hufband, Cibber Provoked Wife, Vanbrugh *Recruiting Officer, Farquhar Rehearfal, by Buckingham Relapfe, by Vanbrugh *Revenge, by Dr. Young *Richard TIL by Cibber Rival Fools, by C. Cibber Rival Ladies, by Dryden *Rival Queens, altered *RomanFather, Whitehead *Romeo and Juliet, Garrick Royal Merchant, Beaumont *Rule a Wife, Beaumont School-boy, by Cibber Scornful Lady, Beaumont *She would and me would not, . by C. Cibber She would if fhe could, by Etherege *Siege of Damafcus, Hughes Siege of Aquileia, Home Silent Woman, by Jonfon Sir Courtly Nice, by Crown Sir Harry Wildair, Farquhar Sir Martin Mar-All, Dryden Sir Walter Raleigh, by Sewell *Spani(h Friar, by Dryden Squire of Alfatia, by Shadwell Stage Coach, by Farquhar State of Innocence, by Dryden Strollers, by Breval *Sufpicious Hufband, by Dr. Hoadley * Tamerlane, by Rowe *Taming of the Shrew, by Garrick *Tancred and Sjgifmunda,, fey Thomfon *Tempeft, by Shakfpeare Tender Hufband, by Stecle *Theodofius, by Lee Timon of Athens, Shakfpeare Titus and Berenice, Otway Toy Shop, by Dodfley *Twelfth Night, Shakfpeare Twin Rivals, by Farquhar Two Gentlemen of Verona, by Shakfpeare *Venice Preferved, by Otway Venus and Adonis, by Cibber Veftal Virgin, by Howard Ulyfles, by Rowe *Way of the World, by Con- greve What d'ye call it ? by Gay Wife's Relief, by Johnfon Wild Gallant, by Dryden *Winter's Tale, by Garrick Wit without Money, by Beau- mont Woman's a Riddle, by Bullock Woman's Revenge, ditto *Wonder, by Centlivre Xerxes, by C. Cibber *Zara, by Hill. izmo. at One SMlittg each. Albumazar, by Tomkis Eaftward Hoe, by Chapman, Ben Jonfon, &c. Gentleman Dancing Mafter, by Wycherley Love in a Wood, Wycherley Mifer, French and Englifh, by Ozell Mort d'Adam Pafquin, by Fielding Perkin Warbeck, by Ford Plague of Riches, French and Englifh, by Ozell P.LAYS printed for W. LOWNDES. Tragedies, Comedies, and Operas, In 8vo. at is. 6d. each. Thcfe diflingmjhed by an Afterijk are emlellijbed with Front if pieces; ACHILLES, by Gay Accompli fhed Maid, by Mr. Toms Agis, by Mr. Home Albina, by Mrs. Cowley All in the Wrong, Murphy *Alzuma, by Murphy v *Amintas, by Taflb Arminius, by Patterfon Aftrologer, by Mr. Ralph Athelftan, by Dr. Brown Athelwold, by A. Hill Author's Farce, by Fielding Bankrupt, by Mr. Eoote Barbarofia, by Dr. Brown Battle of Haftings, Cumberland * Beggar's Opera, with mufic, by Gay Bold Stroke for a Hufband, by Mrs. Cowley *Braganza, by Jephfon Brothers, by Cumberland Brothers, by Young Caraftacus, by Mafon Carmelite, by Cumberland Cielia, by C. Johnfon Chapter of Accidents, Mifs Lee Choleric Fathers, Holcroft Choleric Man, Cumberland Clandeftine Marriage, by Gar- rick and Colman Clementina, by Kelly *Cleone, by Dodfley Cleonice, by Mr. Hoole Coffee- Houfe Politician, by Fielding Commiflary, by Mr. Foote Conftantine, by Francis Coquette, by Hitchcock Coriolanus, by T. Sheridan Count of Narbonne, Jephfon Countefsof Saliibury, Hartfon Cozeners, by Mr. Foot? Creufa, by Mr. Whitehead *Critic, by Mr. Sheridan Cymbeline, by Hawkins Cymon, by Mr. Garrick Devil on Two Sticks, Foote Difbanded Officer, Johnftone Dittrefled Wife, by Gay Douglas, by Mr. Home Double Miftake, Mrs. Griffiths Duellift, by Dr. Kenrick Dupe, by Mrs. Sheridan Duplicity, by Holcroft Earl of Eflex, by Jones Earl of Eflex, by Brooke Elfred, by A. Hill Elfrida, by Mr. Mafon Elvira, by Mr. Mallet Emilia, by Mr. Meilan Englifh Merchant, Colman Eugenia, by Mr. Francis Eurydice, by Mr. Mallet Fair Circaffian, by Pratt Fall of Mortimer, Wilkes, 2S, *Falfe Delicacy, by Kelly Falftaff's Wedding, Dr. Kenrick Fafhionable Lover, Cumberland Fate of Sparta, Mrs. Cowley Fatal Vifion, by A. Hill ' Fathers, by Mr. Fielding Follies of a Day, by Holcroft Friends, by Mr. Meilan Gil Bias, by Mr. Moore *Goodnatured Man, Goldfmith Grubftreet Opera, Fielding Guardian outwitted, by Arne Hecuba, by Dr. Delap Heirefs, by Gen. Burgoyne *Henry VIII. by Grove Heroine of the Cave, Jones He would be a Soldier, Pilon I'll tell you what, Mrs. Inchbald Incle and Yarico, Colman, jun. Infolvent, by A. Hill PLAYS printed for W. Julia, by Mr. Jephfon Lady's Revenge, Popple Lanie Lover, by Foote Law of Lombardy, Jephfon Ditto, on royal paper, 2S. 6d. Love in a Riddle, with mulic, by Gibber Love in feveral Mafques Love in the Eaft, by Cobb Lyar, by Foote *Magic Pifture, by Bate Mahomet, by Garrick *Maid of the Mill, Bickerftaff Maid of Bath, by Foote Man and Wife, by Colman Man of Bufmefs, by ditto Married Coquet, by Baillie Methodift, by Pottinger Midas, by Mr. OHara *Minor, by Foote Modern Huiband, Fielding Momus turned Fabulift More Ways than one, by Mrs. Cowley Mother-in-Law, by Miller Muftapha, by Mallet Myfterious Hufband, by Cum- berland Nabob, by Foote Natural Son, by Cumberland New Peerage, by Mifs Lee Noble Peafant, by Holcroft Northumberland, by Meilan Oliver Cromwell, by Green Orators, by Foote Orphan of China, Murphy Pafquin, by Fielding Patron, by Foote Percy, by Mifs More Periander, by Atkins Philoclea, by Mr. Morgan * Plain Dealer, Bickerltaff Platonic Wife, by Griffiths Refufal, by C. Gibber Regulus, by Mr. havard Reparation, by Andrews Richard Cceur de Lion, by- Mr. Macnally Rivals, by Mr. Sheridan Robin Hood, by Macnally Roman Father, Whitehead Royal Merchant, by Hull Royal Suppliants, by Delap Scanderbeg, by Havard School for Grey Beards, by Cowley School for Guardians, Murphy School for Lovers, Whitehead School for Rakes, Mrs.Griffiths School for Wives, Kelly Seduction, by Holcroft Semiramis, by Voltaire Sethona, by Col. Dow She Stoops to Conquer, Goldfm. Siege of Aquileia, by Home Siege de Calais, par Belloy Silvia, by Lillo Sifter, by Mrs. Lenox 'Strangers at Home, by Cobb Student, altered from Shakfp. Such Things are, Mrs. Inchbald Summer's Tale, Cumberland Temple Beau, Fielding Themiftocles, by Madden Timanthes, by Hoole Times, by Mrs. Griffiths Timon of Athens, altered by Cumberland Timon in Love, by J. Kelly Ton, by Lady Wallace Trip to Calais, &c. Foote, 2s 6d Trip to Scarborough, Sheridan Village Opera, Johnfon Virginia, by Mr. Crifpe Virgin Queen, by Barford Univerfal Gallant, Fielding Univerfal Paflion, by Miller Way to keep Him, Murphy Weft Indian, by Cumberland Which is the Man, Mrs. Cowley Widowed Wife, by Kenrick Widow and no Widow, Jodrell Word to the Wife, by Kelly Zenobia, by Mr. Murphy Zingis, by Col. Dow Zoraida, by Mr. Hodfon THE MINOR A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS ; PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY-LANEs WRITTEN 6Y THE LATE SAMUEL FOOTE, TAMTAM RELIGIO POTUIT SUADIRE L O N D O Nt Printed for W. LOWKDES, J. BARKER and H. LOWD* 1798. Frist One Shilling and Sixpend Their wWrneft wiflies are accompiimdd ; iidne of their rights have been invaded, except what, without the firfl poetic authority, I mould iiot venture to call a right, the Jus Noeendi. Your tendernefs, my Lord, for all the follow- ers of the Mufes, has been in no inftance more confpicuous; than in your late fey our to me^ the meaneft of their train; your Grace has thrown open (for thofe who are. denied ad- mittance into the palaces of Parnaffus) a cot- -tage on its borders, where the unhappy mi- grants may be, if not magnificently, at leaft, hofpitably entertained. I mail detain your Grace no longer, than juft to echo the public voice, that, for the ho- nour, progrefs, and perfection of letters, your Grace may long continue their candid CENSOR, whoihave always been their. generous proteftor. . I have the honour, my Lord, to be; with .the greateil refpecl, and gratitude, Your Grace's moft dutiful, ; moft obliged, . and obedient Servant, Ellejlre, SAMUEL FOOT& July 8> THE MINOR. INTRODUCTION. Enter CANKER and SMART, Smart. BUT are you Cure he has leave ? Cank. Certain. Smart. I'm damn'd glad on't. For now we fhall have a laugh either with him or at him, it does not fignify which. Cank. Not I. But is not the door of the Little Theatre open. Smart. Yes. Who is that fellow that feems to ftand centry there ? Cank. By his tattered garb and meagre vi- fage, he muft be one of the troop. Smart. I'll call him, Holloa, Mr. Enter Pearft. What, is there any thing going on over the way ? Pear. A rehearfal. Smart. Of what ? Pear. A new piece. Smart. Foote's ? B Pear 4 THE MINOR. Pear. Yes. Cank. Is he there ? Pear. He is. Smart. Zounds, let's go and fee what he's about. Cank. With all my heart. Smart. Come along then. [Exeunt. Enter Foote and an Actor. Foote. Sir, this will never do ! you muft get rid of your high notes, and country cant, Oh, 'tis the true (trolling. Enter Smart and Canker. Smart. Ha, ha, ha! what, hard at it, my boy : Here's your old friend Canker and I come for a peep, Well, and hey, what is your plan I Foote. Plan ? Smart. Ay, what are your characters ? Give us your group ; how is your cloth fill'd? Foote. Characters ! Smart. Ay. Come, come, communicate. What, man, we will lend thee a lift. I have a damn'd fine original for thee, an aimt of my own, juft come from the North, with the true Newcaftle bur in her throat ; and a nofe and a chin. I am afraid fhe is not well enough kne\vn: but I have a remedy for that. I'll bring her the firft night of your piece, place her in a confpicuous ftation, and whifper the fecret to the whole houfe. That will be damn'd fine, won't it? Foote. Oh, delicious I Smart MIITOR 5 Smart. But don't name me. For if flie fmokes.me for the author, I fliall be dafh'd out of her codicil in a hurry. Foote. Oh, never fear me. But I mould think your uncle Tom a better character. Smart. What the politician ? Foote. Aye ; that every day, after dinner, as foon as the cloth is remov'd, fights the battle of Minden, batters the French with cherry-ftones, and purfues 'em to the banks of the Rhine in a ftream of fpilt port. Smart. Oh, damn it, he'll do. Foote. Or what fay you to your father-in- law, Sir Timothy? who, tho' as broken- winded as a Hounflow poit-horfe, is eternally chaunting Venetian ballads. Kata tore car* higlia. Smart. Admirable ! by heavens ! Have vou got 'em. Foote. No. Smart. Then in with 'em my boy. Foote. Not one. Smart. Pr'ythee why not ? Foote. Why look'e, Smart, though you are, in the language of the world, my friend, yet there is one thing you, I am fure, love better than any body. Smart. What's that ? Foote. Mifchief. Smart. No, pr'ythee. Foote. How now am I fure that you, who fo readily give up your relations, may not have fome defign upon me ? Smart. I don't underftand you. B 2 Foots. ^6 . THE MINOR. Foots. Why, as foon as my characters be- gin to circulate a little fuccefsfully, my mouth is ftopp'd in a minute, by the clamour of your relations, Oh, dam 'me 'tis a ftiame, it mould not be, people of diftintion brought upon the ftage ! And fo, out of compliment to your couiins, I am to be beggar'd tor treating the public with the follies of your family, at your own requeft. Smart. How can you think I would be fuch a dog? What, the devil, then, are we to have nothing perfonal ? Give .us the ators however. Foote. Oh that's ftale. Befides, I think they have, of all men, the bcft right to com- plain. Smart. How fo? Foote. Becaufe, by rendering them ridi- culous in their profeflipn, you at the fame time injure their pockets. Now as to the other gentry, they have providentially fome- thing belides their underftanding to rely on ; and the only injury they can receive is, that the whole town is then diverted with what before was only the amufement of private parties. Canker. Give us then a national portrait : a Scotchman or an Irifhman. Foote. If you mean merely the dialect of the two countries, I can't think it either a fubjecl of fatire or hurriour j it is an acciden- tal unhappinefs, for which a man is no more accountable, than for the colour of his hair. Now affectation, I take to be the true comic object. If, indeed, a North Briton, ftruck with .THE MINOR. 7 with a fcheme of reformation, fhould ad- vance from the banks of the Tweed, to teach the Englifh the true pronunciation of their own language, he would, I think, merit your laughter : . nor would a Dublin mechanic, who, from heading the Liberty- boys in a fkirmifh on Ormond Quay, mould think he had a right to prefcribe military laws to the firft commander in Europe, be a lefs ri- diculous objett. Smart. Are there fuch ? Foote. If you mean that the blunders of a few peafants, or the partial principles of a iingle fcoundrel, are to (land as chara&erifti- cal marks of a whole country, your pride may produce a laugh ; but believe me, it is at the expence of your underftancling. Canker. Heyday, what a fyftem is here ! Laws for laughing ! And pray, fage Sir, in- ftruft us when we may laugh with propriety ? Foote. At an old beau, a fuperannuated beauty, a military coward, a fluttering orator, or a gouty dancer. In mort, whoever affe&s to be what he is not, or drives to be what he cannot, is an object worthy the poet's pen, and your mirth. Smart. Pfha, I don't know what you mean by your is nots, and cannots damn'd ab- itrufe jargon. Ha, Canker ! Cank. Well, but if you will not give us perfons, let us have things. Treat us with a modern amour, and a ftate intrigue, or a Foote. And fo amufe the public ear at the expence of private peace. You mud excufe me. JB 3 Cank. 8 TSE MINOR. 4* Cank. And with thefe principles, you ex- pe& to thrive on this fpot ? Smart. No, no, it won't do. I tell thee the plain roaft and boil'd of the theatres will never do at this table. We muft have high feafon'd ragouts, and rich fauces. Foote. Why, perhaps, by way of defert, I may produce fomething that may hit your pa- late. Smart. Your bill of fare ? Foote. What think you of one of thofe itinerant field orators, who, tho' at declared enmity with common fenfe, have the addrefs to poifon the principles, and at the fame time pick the pockets of half our induftrious fel- low fubjech ? Canfc. Have a care. Dangerous ground, Ludere cum faeris, you know. Foote. Now I look upon it in a different manner. I confider thefe gentlemen in the light of public performers, like myfelf ; and whether we exhibit at Tottenham-court, or the Haymarket, our purpofe is the fame, and the place is immaterial. Cank. Why, indeed, if it be confidered Foote. Nay, more, I muft beg leave to afferr, that ridicule , is the only antidote againft this pernicious poifon. This is a madnefs that argument can never cure : and mould a little wholefome feverity be applied, perfecution would be the immediate cry ; where then can we have recourfe, but to the comic mufe ? perhaps the archnefs and feverity of her fmile may redrefs an evil, that the laws cannot reach, or reafonjreclaim. Cank. THE MINOR, 9 Cank. Why, if it does not cure thofe "al- ready diftemper'd, it may be a means to flop" the infection. Smart. But how is your fcheme conduced ? Foote. Of that you may judge. We K are juft going upon a repetition of the piece. I mould be glad to have your opinion. Smart. \Ve will give it you. Foote. One indulgence : As you are Eng- lifhmen, I think, I need not beg, that as from neceffity moft of my performers are neWj you will allow for their inexperience, and en- courage their timidity. Smart. But reafonable. Foote. Come, then, prompter, begin. Pear. Lord, Sir, we are all at a ftand. Foote. What's the matter ? Pear. Mrs. O-Schohnefy has return'd the part of the bawd j me fays me is a gentle- woman, and it would be a reflexion on her family to do any fuch thing ! Foote. Indeed! Pear. If it had been only a whore, fays me, I mould not have minded ; becaufe no lady need be afhamed of doing that. Foote. Well, there is no help for it ; but thefe gentlemen muft not be difappointed. Well, I'll do the charafter myfelf. ACT 10 THE MINOR. A C T I. Enter Sir William Wealthy, and Mr. Richard Wealthy. COME, come, brotheV, I know the world. People who have their attention eternally fixed upon one objeft, can't help being a little narrow in their notions. R. Weal. A fagacious remark that, and highly probable, that we merchants, who maintain a conftant correfpondence with the four quarters of the world, mould know lefs of it than your fafhionable fellows, whofe whole experience is bounded by Weftminfter- bridge. Sir. Will. Nay, brother, as a proof that I am not blind to the benefit of travelling, George, you know, has been in Germany thefe four years. R. Weal Where he is well grounded in gaming and gluttony ; France has furniflied him with fawning and flattery ; Italy equipp'd him with capriols and cantatas : and thus ac- complifh'd, my young gentleman is return'd with a cargo of whores, cooks, valets de chambre, and fiddlefticks, a moft valuable member of the Britifh commonwealth. Sir. Will. You diflike then my fyflem of education ? R. Weal. Moft fmcerely. Sir. Will. The whole ? , JR. Weal. Every particular. Sir, THE MINOR. 11 Sir. Will. The early part, I fhould imagine, might merit your approbation. 1L We-flJ/Leaft of all. What, I fuppofe, becaufe he has run the gauntlet thro' a pub- lic fchool, where, at fixteen, he had prac- tis'd more vices than he would otherwife have heard of at fixty. Sir, Will. Ha, ha, prejudice. R. Weal. Then, indeed, you removed him to the univerfity ! where, left his morals (hould be mended, and his underftanding im- proved, you fairly fet him free from the re- ftraint of the one, and the drudgery of the other, by the priviledged diftinftion of a filk gown and a velvet cap. Sir. Will. And all thefe evils, you think, a city education would have prevented? R. Weal. Doubtlcfs. Proverbs, pro- verbs, brother William, convey wholefome inftrution, Idlenefs is the root of all evil. Regular hours, conftant employment, and good example, can't fail to form the mind. Sir. Will. Why, truly, brother, had you ftuck to your old civic vices, hypocrify, co- zenage, and avarice, I don't know whether I might not have committed George to your care ; but you cockneys now beat us fub- urbians at our own weapons. What, old boy, times are changed fince the date of thy indentures ; when the (leek, crop eared pren- tice ufed to dangle after his miftrefs, with 'the great bible under his arm, to St. Bride's, on a Sunday ; bring home the text, repeat the divisions of the difcourfe, dine at twelve, and regale, 12 THE MINOR. regale, upon a gaudy day, with buns and beer at Iflington, or Mile-End. ' R. Weal Wonderfully facetious ! Sir,. Will. Our modem lads are of a dif- ferent metal. They have their gaming clubs in the Garden, their little lodgings, the Tnug depofitories of their rufty fwords, and occa- fional bag-wigs ; their horfes for the turf; ay, and their commiffions of bankruptcy too, be- fore they are well out of their time. R. Weal. Infamous afperfion ! Sir. Will. But the laft meeting at New- market, lord Lofty received at the hazard- table the identical note from the individual taylor to whom he had paid it but the day before for a new fet of liveries. R. Weal. Invention! -5V?*. Will. Thefe are anecdotes you will never meet with in your weekly travels from Cateaton-ftreet to your boarded box in Clap- ham, brother. R. Wealth. And yet that boarded box, as your prodigal fpendthrift proceeds, will foon be the only feat of the family. Sir. Will. May be not. Who knows what a reformation our projeft may produce ! R. Wealth. I do. None at all. Sir. Will. Whyfo? R. Wealth. Becaufe your means are ill- proportioned to their end. Were he my fon, I would ferve him Sir. Will. As you have done your daugh- ter. Difcard him. But conlider, I have but one-. R. Wealth. THE MINOR. 13 R. Wealth. That would weigh nothing with me : for, was Charlotte to fet up a will of her own, and rejeft the man of my choice, ilie muft expe& to mare the fate of her filter. I coniider families as a fmaller kind of king- doms, and would have difobedience in the one as feverely puniihed as rebellion in the other. Both cut off from their refpeclive focieties. Sir. Will. Poor Lucy ! But furely you begin to relent. Mayn't I intercede ? R. Wealth. Look'e, brother, you know my mind. I will be abfolute. If I meddle witn the management of your fon, it is at your own requeftj but if, direftly or indirectly, you interfere with my banifhment of that wilful, headftrong, difobedient huffy, all ties between us are broke ; and I ihall no more remember you as a brother, than I do her as a child. Sir. Will. I have done. But to return. You think there is a probability in my plan ? R. Wreath. I mall attend the iffue." Sir. Will. You will lend your aid, how- ever ? R. Wealth. We mall fee how you go on. Enter Servant, Serv. A letter, fir. Sir. Will. Oh, from Capias, my attorney. Who brought it? Serv. The perfon is without, fir. .Sir. Will. Bid him wait. (Reads.} Exit. Sen\ Worthy 14 THE MINOR. Worthy Sir, The bearer* is the perfon I prom if cd to pro- cure. I thought it was proper for you to ex- amine him in viva voce. So if you adminijter a few interrogatories, you rvilljtncl, by crofs- quejtioning him, whether he is a. competent per- fon to profecute the caufe you wot of. I wifli you a fpeedy iffiie: and as there can be ?io de- fault in your judgment, am of opinion it Jbould be carried into immediate execution. J am. Worthy Sir, ir G<*'o r Give it me, Lcs preliminaires dune Iraite entrc k cheva- lier Wealthy t and la tiignora Florenza. A bagatelle, a trjf}e; flie fliall have it. Load. Hark'e, kni^fyt., what is all that there outlandifh ft-iiff? Sir Geo. Read, read. The eloquence of an- gels, my dear baron! Load. Slam me, but the man's mad 1 I don't underftand their gibberifh -What is it in Emr- Sir Geo. The preliminaries oT a fubfidy trea- ty, between Sir G. Wealthy, and SignoraFlo- renza? that the faid Signora will reiign the pofleflion of her perfon to the faid Sir George, on the payment of three hundred guineas monthly, for equipage, table, domeftics, drefs, dogs, and diamonds; her debts to be duly difcharged, and a note advanced of five hun- dred by way of entrance. Load. 25 THE MINOR. Load. Zounds, what a cormorant ! She rouft be devilifh handfome. Sir Geo. I am told fo. Load. Told fo ! Why, did you never fee her? Sir Geo, No; and pombly never may, but from my box at the opera. Load. Hey-dey ! Why, what the devil Sir Geo. Ha, ha, you ftare, I don't wonder at it. This is an elegant refinement, unknown to the grofs voluptuaries of this part of the world. This is, Mr. Loader, what may be called a debt to your dignity : for an opera girl is as eflential a piece of equipage for a man of fafhion, as his coach, L'oad. The devil i Sir Geo. 'Tis for the vulgar only to enjoy what they poflefs : the diftinttion of ranks and conditions are, to have hounds, and ne- ver hunt ; cooks, and dine at taverns ; houfes vou never inhabit ; miftrefles, ,you never en- joy Load, And debts, you never pay. Egad, I am not furpriz'd at it; if this be your 1 trade, no wonder that you want money for neceffa*- ries, when you give fuch a damn'd deal for nothing at all. Enter Servant, Serv. Mrs, Cole, to wait upon your ho- nour. Sir Geo, My dear baron, run, difpatch my affair, conclude my treaty, and thank her for the very reafonable conditions. Sir Will. I fall, Sir THE MINOR. 29 Sir Geo. Mr. Loader, mall I trouble you to introduce the lady ? She is, I think, your acquaintance. Load. Who, old Moll? Ay, ay, flic's your market-woman, I wou'd not give fix-pence for your fignoras. One armful of good, wholeforne Britilli beauty, is worth a fhip- load of their trapfing, tawdry trollops. But hark'e, baron, how much for the table? Why, /lie mud have a devililh large family, or a mon- ilrous ftomacli. Sir Will. Ay, ay, dere is her moder, la complaifante to walk in de Park, and to go to de play ; two broders, deux valets, dree Spaniili lap-dogs, and de monkey. Load. Strip me, if I wou'd fet five fhil- Jings againft the whole gang. May my parr^ ner renounce with the game in his hand, if \ were you, knight, jf I would not [Ex. Bar. Si?- Geo. But/the lady waits. [Ex. Load.] A ftrange fellow this! What a whirnfical jargon he talks ! Not an idea abftracled from play ? To fay truth, \ am fincerely lick of my acquaintance .' But, however, I have the firll people in the kingdom to keep me in countenance. Death and the dice level all diftinftions. Enter Mrs. Cole, /imported by Loader and 'Dick. Mrs. Cole. Gently, gently, good Mr Loader. Load. Come along, old Moll. Why, you jade, you look as rofy this morning, I muft have SO THE MINOR. have a fmack at your mums. Here, taflo hep, (he is as good as old hock to get yc i a fto- mach. Mrs. Cole. Fie, Mr. Loader, I thought you had forgot me. Load. I forgot you ! I would as foon forcget what is trumps. Mrs. Cole. Softly, foftly, young man. There, there, mighty well. And how does -your honour do ? I han't feen your honour, I can't tell the Oh ! mercy on me, there's a twing Sir Geo. What is the matter, Mrs. Cole? Mrs. Cole. My old diforder, the rheuma- tife j I han't been able to get a wink of Oh la ! What, you have been in town thefe two days? Sir Geo. Since Wednefday. Mrs. Cole. And never once call'd upon old Cole. No, no, I am worn out, thrown by and forgotten, like a tatter'd garment, as Mr. Squintum fays. Oh, he is a dear man ! But for him I had been a loft fheep ; never known the comforts of the new birth ; no, There's your old friend, Kitty Carrot, at home frill. What, mall we fee you this evening ? I have kept the green room for you ever fince I heard you were in town, Load. What (hall we take a fnap at old Moll's Hey, beldam, have you a good batch of Burgundy abjoch ? Mrs. Cole. Bright as a ruby ; and for fla- vour ! You know the colonel He and Jenny Cummins drank three rlaiks, hand to fift, laft night. Load. THE MINOR. SI Load What, bilk thee of thy mare? Mrs. Cole. Ah, don't mention it, Mr. Loader. No, that's all over with me. The time has been, when I could have earned thirty (hillings a day by my own drinking, and the next morning was neither fick nor forry: But now, O laud, a thimbleful turns me topfy-turvy. Load. Poor old girl ! Mrs. Cole. Aye, I have done with thefe idle vanities ; my thoughts are fix'd upon a bet- ter place. What, I fuppofe, Mr. Loader, you will be for your old friend the black-eyed girl, from Rofemary-lane. Ha, ah! Well, 'tis a merry little tit. A thoufand pities fhe's fuch a reprobate ! But flie'll mend ; her time is not come : all fhall have their call, as Mr. Squintum fays, fooner or later ; rege- neration is not the work of a day. No, no, no, Oh ! Sir Gco. Not worfe I hope. Mrs. Cole. Rack, rack, gnaw, gnaw, ne 1 - ver eafy, a-bed or up all's one. Pray, honeft friend,, have you any clary, or mint-water in the houfe ? Dick. A cafe of French drams. Mrs. Cole. Heaven defend me ! I would not touch a dram for the world. Sir Gco. They are but cordials, Mrs. Cole. Fetch 'em, you blockhead. \Ex. Dick.] Mrs. Cole. Aye, I am a going ; a wafting and a wafting, Sir George. What will become of the houfe when I am gone, hea- ven knows No. When people are mifs'd, then they are mourned. Sixteen year* have 32f THE MINOR. have I lived in the Garden, comfortably and creditably ; and, though I fay it, could have got bail any hour of the day , Reputable tradefmen, Sir George, neighbours Mr* Loader knows 3 no knock-me-down doings in my houfe. A fet of regular, fedate, fober cuftomers. No rioters. Sixteen did I fay Aye, eighteen years I have paid fcot and lot in the parim of St. Paul's, and during the whole time, nobody have faid, Mrs. Cole, why do you fo ? Unlefs twice that I was be- fore Sir Thomas De VaJ, and three times in the round-houfe. Sir Geo. Nay, don't weep, Mrs. Cole, Load. May I lofe deal, with an honour ,at bottom, if old Moll does not bring tears into my eyes. Mrs. Cole. However, it is a comfort, after all, to think one has paft through the world with credit and character. Ah ! a good name, as Mr. Squintum fays a is better than a gallipot of ointment. Enter Dfck t icilk a dram. Load. Come, hafte, Dick, hade; forrow is dry. Here, Moll, fhall I fill thee a bum- per ? Mrs. Cole. Hold, hold, Mr. Loader! ^.Hea- ven help you, I could as foon fwallow the Thames. Only a lip, to keep the gout out of my ftomach- Load. Why then, here's to thee. Levant me, but it is fupernaculum Speak when you have enough. Mrs. Cole. I won't trouble you for the glafs ; my THE MINOR. 33 my hands do fo tremble and make, I mall but fpill the good creature. Load. Well pull'd. But now to bufinefs. Pr'ythce, Moll, did not I fee a tight young wench, in a linen gown, knock at your door this morning? Mrs. Cole. Aye ; a young thing from the country. Load. Could we not get a peep at her this evening ? Mrs. Cole. Impoflible ! She is engaged to Sir Timothy Totter. I have taken earneft for her thefe three months. Load. Pho ! what fignifies fuch a fellow as that. Tip him an old trader, and give her to the knight. Mrs. Cole. Tip him an old trader ! Mercy on us ! where do you expeft to go when you die, Mr, Loader ? Load. Crop me, but this Squintum has turned her brains ! Sir Geo. Nay, Mr. Loader, I think the gentleman has wrought a moft happy reforma- tion. Mrs. Cole. Oh, it was a wonderful work ! There^had I been toffing in a fea of fin with- out rudder or compafs ; and had not the good gentleman piloted me into the harbour of grace, I muft have ftruck againfl the rocks of reprobation, and have been quite fwallowed up in the whirlpool of defpair. He was the precious inftrument of my fpiritual fprinkling. But, however, Sir George, if your mind be fet upon a young country thing, to-morrow night, I believe, i can funulh you. 34- THE Lbad. As how? Mrs. Cole. I have adverttfed this morningy in the regifter office, 'for fervants under feven- teen : and ten to one but I light on fomething that will do. Load. Pillor me, but it has a face. Mrs. Cole. Truly, confidently with my confcience, I would do any thing for youf honour. Sir Geo. Right, Mrs. Cole, never lofe fight of that monitor. But, pray, how long has this Jaeavenly change been wrought in you ? Mrs. Cole. Ever fince my laft vifitation of the gouk Upon my firft fit, feven years ago, I began to have my doubts, and my waverings ; but I was loft in a labyrinth, and no body to (hew me the road. One timd I thought of dying a Roman$ which is truly a comfortable? communion enough for one of us : bat it would not do,- Sir Gco. Why not r Mrs. Cole. I went, one fummer, over to Boulogne, to repent ; and, would you believe it, the bare-footed, bald-pate beggars would Ijot give me abfolution without I quitted my^ buimefs- Did you ever hear of fuch a fet of fcabby Befides, I could not bear their bar- barity. Would you believe it, Mr. llpader.- they lock up for their lives, in a nunnery, the prettied, fweeteft, tender young things ! Oh, fix of them for a feafon would finifh my bufmefs here ; and then I fhould have nothing to do, but to think of hereafter. Load. Brand me, what a country ! Sir Geo. Oh, fcandalous ! Mr*, 35 Jl/rs. Cole. O no, it would not do. So, in my laft illnefs, I was wifhed to Mr. Squintum, who ftepped in with his favirig grace, got me with the new birth, and I became, as you fee, regenerate, and another creature. Enter Dick. . Dick. Mr. Transfer, Sir^ has fent to know if you be at home. Sir Geo. Mrs. Cole; I am mortified to part with you. But, bulinefs, you know . Mrs. Cole. True, Sir George. Mr. Ldader, your arm- : Gently -oh ! oh ! Sir Geo. Would you take another thimble- ful, Mrs. Cole ? Mrs. Cole. Not a drop I fhall fee you this evening ? Sir Geo. Depend Upon me. Airs. Cole. To-morrow I hope to fuit you ' We are to have, at the tabernacle, an occa- fional hymn, with a thankfgiving fermori for my recovery. After which I {hall call at the regifter office, and fee what goods my adver- tifement has brought in. Sir Geo. Extremely obliged to you, Mrs. Cole. Mrs. Cole. Or, if that mould not do, I have a tid bit at home, will uiit your ftpmach. Never brufhed by a beard. Well, heaven blefs you Softly have a care, Mr. Loader = Richard, you may as well give me the bot- tle into the chair, for fear I mould be taken ill on the road. Gently fo, fo ! [Exit Mrs. Cole and Loader* D Sir 36 THE MINOR, Sir Ceo. Dick, (hew Mr. Transfer in Ha, ha, what a hodge podge ! How the jade has jumbled together the carnal and the fpi- ritual ; with what eafe (he reconciles her new birth to her old calling ! No wonder thefe preachers have plenty of profelytes, whilft they have the addrefs fo comfortably to blend the hitherto jarring interefts of the two worlds. Enter Loader. Well, knight, I have houfed her; but they Want you within, fir. Sir Gco. I'll go to them immediately. ACT II. Dick. MY matter will come to you prefently. Enter Sir George. Sir Geo. Mr. Transfer, your fervant. Tranf. Your honour's very humble. I thought to have found Mr. Loader here. Sir Geo. He will return immediately. Well, Mr. Transfer but take a chair you have had a long walk. Mr Loader, I orefume, opened to you the urgency of my bufinefs. Tranf. Aye, aye, the general cry, money, money ! I don't know, for my part, where all the money is flown to. Formerly a note, with a tolerable endorfement, was as current as THE MINOR. 7S as cam. If your uncle Richard now would join in this fecurity Sir Geo. Impomble, Tranf. Aye, like enough. I wifh you were of age. Sir Geo. So do I. But as that will be con- fidered in the premium Tranf. True, true, 1 fee you underftand bufmefs And what fum does your honour lack at prefent ? Sir Geo. Lack ! How much have you brought ? Tranf. Who, I ? Dear me ! none. Sir Geo. Zounds, none ! Tranf. Lack-a-day, none to be had, I think. All the morning have I been upon the hunt. There, Ephraim Barebones, the tallow chandler, in Thames-ftreet, ufed to be a never-failing chap ; not a guinea to be got there. Then I tottered away to Nebu- chadnezzar Zeb-ulon, in the Old Jewry, but it happened to be Saturday ; and they never touch on the Sabbath, you know. Sir Geo. Why what the devil can I do ? TranJ'. Good me, I did not know your honour had been fo preflkd. Sir Geo. My honour preffed ! Yes, my ho- nour is not only prefled, but ruined, unlefs I can raife money to redeem it. That block- head, Loader, to depend upon this old doat- ing- Tranf. Well, well, now I declare, I am quite forry to fee your honour in fuch a taking. Sir Geo. Damn your forrow. Tranf. But come, don't be caft down: D 2 Tho S8 THE MINOR. Tho' money is not to be had, money's worth may, and that's the fame thing. Sir Geo. How, dear Transfer ? Tranf. Why I have, at my warehoufe in the city, ten cafks of whale-blubber, a large cargo of Dantzick dowlas, with a curious affortment of Birmingham hafts, and Whitney blankets for exportation. Sir Geo. Hey ! Tranf. And flay, (lay, then, again, at my country-houfe, the bottom of Gray's Inn- Lane, there's a hundred ton of fine old hay, only damaged a little laft winter, for want of thatching; with forty load of flint (tones. Sir Ceo. Well. Tranf. Your honour may have all thefe for a reafonable profit, and convert them into ca(h. Sir Geo. Blubber and blankets? Why, you pld rafcal, do you banter me ? Tranf. Who I? O la', marry, heaven forbid. Sir Geo. Get out of my you fluttering fcoundrel. Tranf. If your honour would but hear me Sir Geo. Troop, I fay, unlefs you have a mind to go a (liorter way than you came. [Exit. TV.] And yet there is fomething fo un- commonly ridiculous in his propofal, that were my mind more at eafe [Enter Loader.] So, fir, you have recommended me to a fine fellow. Load. What's the matter? Sir THE MINOR, 30 Sir Geo. He can't fupply me with a (hil- ling ; and wants, beiides, to make me a dealer in dowlas. Load. Aye, and a very good commodity too. People that are upon ways and means, muft not be nice, knight. A pretty piece of work you have made here ! Thrown up the cards, with the game in your hands. Sir Gco. Why, pr'ythee of what ufe would his - Load. Ufe ! of every ufe. Procure you the fpankers, my boy. I have a broker, that in a twinkling, (hall take off your bargain. Sir Geo. Indeed ! Load. Indeed ! Aye, indeed. You fit down to hazard and not know the chances ! I'll call him back. Holloa, Transfer. A pretty little, bufy, buftling You may travel miles, before you will meet with his match. If there is one pound in the city, he will get it- He creeps, like a ferret, into their bags, and makes the yellow boys bolt again. Enter Transfer. Come hither, little Transfer ; what, man, our Minor was a little too hafty ; he did not understand trap : knows nothing of the game, my dear. Tranf. What I faid, was to ferve Sir George - f as he feem'd Load. I told him fo ; well, well, we will take thy commodities, were they as many more. But try, pr'ythee, if thou could'ft not procure us fome of the ready, for prefent fpending. Traiif. JLet me confider. D Load, 40 THE MINOR. Load* Aye, do, come : muffle thy brains never fear the baronet. To let a lord of lands want miners; 'tis a fhame. Tranf, I do recollet, in this quarter of the town, an old friend, that ufed to do things in this way. Load. Who ? Tranf. Statute, the fcrivener. Load, Slam me, but he has nicked the chance. Tranf. A. hard man, matter Loader ! Sir Geo. No matter. f Tranf. His demands are exorbitant. Sir Geo. That is no fault of ours, Load, Well faid, knight! Tranf. But to fave time, I had better men- tion his terrus. Load. Unneceflary. Tranf. Five per cent, legal intereft. Sir Geo He mall have it. Tranf. Ten, the premium. Sir Geo. No more words. Tranf. Then, as you are not of age, five more for enfuring your life. Load. We will give it. Tranf. As for what he will demand for the rifque Sir Geo. He {hall be fatisfied. Tranf. You pay the attorney. - Sir Geo. Amply, amply; Loader, difpatch him. Load, There, there, little Transfer; now every thing is fettled. All terms ihall be complied with, reafonable or unreafonable. What, THE MINOR. 41 What, our principal is a man of honour. [Exit. 7V. 1 Hey, my knight, this is doing bufmefs. This pinch is a fare card. lie-enter Transfer. Tranf. I had forgot one thing. I am no* the principal ; you pay the brokerage. Load. Aye, aye j and a handfome prefent into the bargain, never fear. Tranf. Enough, enough. Load. Hark'e, Transfer, we'll take the Bir- mingham hafts and Whitney wares. Tranf. They (hall be forthcoming You would not have the hay, with the flints ? Load. Every pebble of 'em. The magif- trates of the baronet's borough are infirm and gouty. He (hall deal them as new pave* ment. [Ex. 7>.j So that's fettled. I believe, knight, 1 can lend you a helping hand as to the laft article. I know fome traders that will truck: fellows with finery; not commo- dities of fuch cjumfy conveyance as old Trans- fer's. Sir Geo. You are obliging, Load. I'll do it, boy ; and get you, into the bargain, a bonny auctioneer, that mail difpofe of 'em all in a crack. [Exit* Enter Dick. Dick. Your uncle, fir, has been waiting fome time. Sir Geo. He comes in a lucky hour. Shew him in. [Ex. Dick.] Now for a lefture. My fituation flian't fink my fpirits, however, D 4 Here 4$ THE MINOR. Here comes the mufty trader, running over "with remonftrances. I muft banter the cit. Enter Richard Wealthy. R. Weal. So, fir, what I fuppofe this is a fpice of your foreign breeding, to let your uncle kick his heels in your hall, whilft your prefence chamber is crquded with pimps, bawds, and gameflers. Sir Geo. Oh, a proof of my refpeft, dear nuncle. Would it have been decent now, nuncle, to have introduced yqu into fuch com- pany ? R. Weal Wonderfully confiderate ! Well, young man, and what do you think will be the end of all this ? Here I have received, by the laft mail, a quire of your draughts from abroad. I fee you are determined our neighbours mould tafte of your magnificence. Sir Geo. Yes, 1 think I did fome credit to my country. R. Weal, and how are all thefe to be paid? Sir Geo. That I fubmit to you, dear nun- cle. R. Weal. From me ! Not a foufe to keep you from the counter. Sir Geo. Why then let the fcoundrels ftay. It is their duty. I have other demands, debts of honour, which muft be difcharged. R. Weal. Here's a diabolical diftinftion ! Here's a proftitution of words ! Honour ] 'Sdeath, that a rafcal, who has picked your pocket, mail have his crime gilded with the moft facred diftin&ion, and his plunder punc T 4 tually THE MINOR. tually paid, whilft the induftrious mechanic, who miniiters to your very wants, (hall have his debts delayed, and his demand treated as jnfolent. Sir Geo. Oh ! a truce to this thread-bare trumpery, dear nuncle. R. Weal. I confefs my folly 3 but make yourfelf eafy; ypu won't be troubled with many mqre of my vifits. I own I was weak enough to deflgn a fliort expoftulation with yqu j but as we in the city know the true va- lue of time, I mail take care not to fquander away any more of it upon you. Sir Geo. A prudent refolution. R. Weal. One commillion, however, I can't difpenfe with myfelf from executing. It was agreed between your father and me, that as he had but one fon and I one daugh- ter Sir Gep. Your gettings mould be added to his eftate, and my coulin Margery and I fquat down together in the comfortable ftate of ma- trimony. \ R. Weal. Puppy ! fuch was our intention. Now his laft will claims this contract. Sir Geo. Difpatch, dear nuncle. R. Weal. Why then, in a word, fee me here demand the execution. Sir Geo. What dy'e mean ? For me to marry Margery. R. Weal. I do. Sir Geo. What, moi-me? JR. Weal. You, you Your anfwer, aye or no ? 44 THE MINOR. Sir Geo. Why then, concifely and briefly, without evafion, equivocation, or further cir- cumlocution. No. R. Weal. I am glad of it. Sir Geo. So am I. R. Weal. But pray, if it would not be too great a favour, what objections can you have to my daughter r Not that I want to remove 'em, but merely out of 'curiofity. What ob- jections ? Sir Geo None. I neither know her, have feen her, enquired after her, or ever intend it. R. Weal. What, perhaps, I am the {tum- bling block ? Sir Geo, You have hit it. P. Weal. Aye, now we come to the point. Well, and pray Sir Geo. Why, it is not fo much a diflike to your perfon, tho' that is exceptionable enough, but your profeffion, dear nuncle, is an infuper- able obftacle. R. Weal. Good lack ! And what harm has that done, pray ? Sir Geo. Done ! So framed, polluted, and tainted the whole mafs of your blood, thrown fuch a blot on your efcutcheon, as ten regular fucceffions can hardly efface. . R. Weal. The deuce ! Sir Geo. And could you now, confidently with your duty as a faithful guardian, recom- mend my union with a daughter of a trader ? R. Weal. Why, indeed, I alk pardon ; I am afraid I did not weigh the matter as maturely as I ought. Sir Geo. Oh, a horrid barbarous fcheme ! R. Weal, THE MINOR. 45 J?. Weal. But then I thought, her having the honour to partake of the fame flefli and blood with yourfelf, might prove in fome meafure, a kiud of fuller's-earth, to fcout out the dirty fpots contracted by commerce. Sir Geo. 'impoffible ! R. Weal. Befides, here it has been the practice even of peers. Sir Geo. Don't mention the unnatural in- tercourfe! Thank heav'n, Mr. Richard Wealthy, my education has been in another country, where I have been too well in- ftrucled in the value of nobility, to think of intermixing it with the offspring of a Bour- geois. Why, what apology could I make to my children, for giving them fuch a mo- ther? R. Weal I did not think of that. Then I muft defpair, I am afraid, Sir Geo. I can afford but little hopes. Tho', upon recollection Is the Griffette pretty ? R. Weal. A parent may be partial. She is thought fo. Sir- Geo. Ahlajolie petite Bourgecife ! Poor girl, I fincerely pity her. And I fuppofe, to procure her emerfion from the mercantile rnud, no confederation would be fpared. R. Weal. Why, to be fare, for fuch an honour, one would ftrain a point. Sir Geo. Why then, not totally to deftroy your hopes, I do recollect an edi6l in favour of Brittany ; that when a man of diftinftion engages in commerce, his nobility is fuffer'd to deep. R. Weal. 46 THE MINOR. R. Weal Indeed! Sir Geo. And upon his quitting the con- tagious connection, he is permitted to refume his rank. R. Weal. That's fortunate. Sir Geo. So nuncle Richard, if you will fell out of the ftocks, (hut up your counting- houfe, and quit St. Mary Axe for Grofvenor- fquare R. Weal. What then ? Sir Geo. Why, when your rank has had time to roufe itfelf, for I think your nobility, nuncle, has had a pretty long nap, if the girl's perfon is pleafmg, and the purchafe-money is adequate to the honour, I may in time be pre- vailed upon to reftore her to the right of her family. R. Weal. Amazing condefcenfion ! Sir Geo. Good-nature is my foible. But, upon my foul, I would not have gone fo far for any body elfe. R. Weal. I can contain no longer. Hear me, fpendthrift, prodigal, do you know, that in ten days your whole revenue won't purchafe you a feather to adorn your empty head? Sir Geo. Hey day, what's the matter now ? R. Weal. And that you derive every acre of your boafted patrimony from you great uncle, a foap boiler ! Sir Geo. Infamous afperfion! R. Weal. It was his bags, the fruits of his honeft induftry, that prefer ved your lazy, beggarly nobility. His wealth repair'd your tottering THE MINOR. 47 tottering hall, from the ruins of which, even the rats had run. Sir Geo. Better our name had perilh'd! Infupportable ! (bap-boiling, uncle ! R. Weal. Traduce a trader in a country of commerce ' It is treafon againft the com- munity; and, for your punimment, I would have you reftored to the fordid condition from whence we drew you, and like your prede- ceflbrs, the Pits, ftript, painted, and fed upon hips, haws and blackberries. Sir Geo. A truce, dear haberdaiher. R. Weal. One pleafure I have, that to this goal you are upon the gallop; but have a care, the fword hangs but by a thread. When next we meet, know me for the matter of your fate. [Exit. Sir Geo. Infolent mechanic! But that his Bourgeois blood would have foiled my fword Enter Baron and Loader. .Sir Will. What is de matter? Sir Geo. A fellow here, upon the credit of a little affinity, has dared to upbraid me with being fprung from a foap-boiler. Sir Will. Vat, you from the boiler of foap ! Sir Geo. Me. Sir Will. Aha, begar, dat is anoder ting And harka you, mifter monfieur, ha how dare a you have d'affrontary Sir Geo. How ! Sir Will. De impertinence to fit down, play wid me ? Sir Geo. What is this? Sir 4-8 THE MINOR. Sir Will. A beggarly Bourgeois vis-a-vis, a baron of twenty defcents: Load. But baron-: Sir Will. Bygar, I am almoft afhamed to win of fuch a low, dirty Give me my monies, and let me never fee your face. Load. Why, buLbaron, you miftake this thing. I know the oTd buck this fellow prates about. Sir Will May be. Load. Pigeon me, as true a gentleman as the grand fignor. He was, indeed, a good- natured, obliging, friendly fellow-, and being a great judge or foap, tar, and train-oil, he ufed to have it home to his hoiife, and fell it to his acquaintance for ready money, to ferve them. Sir Will Wasdatall? Load. Upon my honour. Sir Will. Oh, dat, dat is anoder ting. By- gar I was afraid he was negotiant. Load. Nothing like it. Enter Dick. . Dick. A gentleman to enquire for Mr. Loader. Load. I come A pretty fon of a bitch, this baron! pimps for the man, picks his pocket, and then wants to kick him out of company, becaufe his uncle was an oilman. Exit. Sir Will. I beg pardon, chevalier, I was miftake. Sir Geo. Oh, don't mention it ; had the flam been fat, your behavour was natural enough. 3 Enter THE MlNoft. 49 Enter Loader. Load. Mr. Smirk, the auftioneer. Sir Geo. Shew him in, by all means. [Exit. Loader. Sir Will. You have affairs. Sir Geo. If you'll walk into the next room, they will be finifhed in five minutes. Enter Loader, with Shift as Smirk. Load. Here, mailer Smirk, this is the gentleman. Hark'e, knight, did I not tell you, old Moll was your mark? Here me has brought a pretty piece of man's meat already ; as fwect as a nofegay, and as ripe as a cherry, you rogue. Difpatch him, mean time we'll manage the girl. [Exit. Smirk You are the principal. Sir Geo. Even fo. I have, Mr. Smirk, fome things of a considerable value, which I want to difpofe of immediately. Smirk. You have ? Sir Geo. Could you affift me ? Smirk. Doubtlefs. Sir Geo. But dire&ly? Smirk. We have an auction at twelve. I'll add your cargo to the catalogue. Sir Geo. Can that be done ? Smirk. Every day's practice: it is for the credit of the fale. Laft week, amongft the valuable effe&s of a gentleman, going abroad, I fold a choice collection of china, with % curious fervice of plate j though the real party was never mafter of above two Delf dillies, and a dozen of pewter, in all his life. Sir 50 THE MINOR; Sir Geo. Very artificial. But this mud be concealed. Smirki Buried here. Oh, many an ai- grette and folitaire have 1 fold, to discharge a lady's play-debt. But then we muft know the parties ; otherwife it might be knockt down to the hufband himfelf. Ha, ha Hey ho ! Sir Geo. True. Upon my word, your profeffion requires parts. Smirk. No body's more. Did you ever hear, Sir George, what firft brought me into the bufinefs ? Sir Geo. Never. Smirk. Quite an accident, as I may fay. You muft have known my predeceffor, Mr. Prig, the greateft man in the world, in his way ; aye, or that ever was, or ever will be ; quite a jewel of a man: he would touch you up a lot! there was no refifting him. He would force you to bid, whether you would or no. I (hall never fee his equal. Sir Geo. You are modeft, Mr. Smirk. Smirk. No, no, but his fhadow. Far be it from me, to vie with fo great a man. But, as I was faying, my predeceffor, Mr. Prig, was to have a fale as it might be on Satur- day. On Friday at noon, I fhall never for- get the day, he was fuddenly feized with a violent cholic. He fent for me to his bed- lide, fqueezed me by the hand; Dear Smirk, faid he, what an accident ! You know what is to-morrow ; the greateft fliew this fea- fon ; prints, pictures, bronzes, butterflies, medals, and minionettesj all the world will be THE MINOR. 51 be thdre ; Lady Dy Jofs, Mrs. Nankyn, the dutchefs of Dupe, and every body at all. You fee my flate, it will be impoffible for me to mount. What can I do ? It was not for me, you know, to advife that great man. Sir Geo. No, no. S'w/7vt. At teft, looking wiflifully at me, Smirkj fays he, d'you love me? Mr. Prig, can you. doubt it? I'll put it to the tell; fays he; fupply my place to-morrow. I, eager to mew my love, ramly and rapidly replied, I will. -Sir Geo. That was bold. Smirk. Abfolute madnefs. But I had gone too far to recede. Then the point was^ to prepare for the awful occafion. The firft want that occurred to me^ was a wig; but this was too material an article to depend on my own judgement. I refolved to confult my friends. I told them the affair You hear, gentlemen, what has happened ; Mr. Prig, one of the greateft men in his way; the world ever faw, or ever will, quite a jewel of a man, is taken with a violent fit of the cholic; to-mor- row, the greateft (hew this feafon ; prints, pic- tures, bronzes, butterflies, medals, and mi-, nionettes ; every body in the world to be there 5, Lady Dy Jofs, Mrs. Nankyn^ dutchefs of Dupe, and all mankind ; it being impoffible he mould mountj I have confented to fell They flared It is true, gentlemen. Now I Ihould be glad to have your opinions as to a wig. They were divided : fome recommended a tye, others a bag: one mentioned a bob^ but was foon over-ruled. Now, for my part, s I own, 52 THE MINOR. I own, I rather inclined to the bag ; but to avoid the imputation of railinefs, I refolved to take Mrs. Smirk's judgement, my wife, a dear good woman, fine in figure, high in tafte, a fuperior genius, and knows old china like a Nabob. Sir Geo. What was her decifion? Smirk. .1 told her the cafe* My dear, you know what has happened. My good friend, Mr. Prig, the greateft man in the world, in his way, that ever was, or ever will be, quite ajewel of a man a violent fit of the cholic the greateft (hew this feafon, to-morrow, picluress and every thing in the world ; all the world will be there : now, as it is im- pofliblehe mould, I mount in his ftead. You know the importance of a wig ; I have afked my friends fome recommended a tye, others a bag what is your opinion ? Why, to deal freely, Mr. Smirk, fays fhe, a tye for your round, regular, fmiling face, would be rather too formal, and a bag too boviih, deficient in dignity for the folemn occalion; were I worthy to advife, you mould wear a fomething between both. I'll be hanged if you don't mean a major. I jumpt at the hint, and a ma- jor it was. Sir Geo So, that was fixt. Smirk. Finally. But next day, when I came to mount the roftrum, then was the trial. My limbs (hook, and my tongue trem- bled. The firft lot was a chamber utenfil, in Chelfea china, of the pea-green pattern. It occafioned a great laugh - 3 but I got thro' it. Her grace, indeed, gave me great encourage- ment. I overheard her whifper to lady Dy, Upon tft MINOR. / 53 tJpon my word, Mr. Smirk does it very well. Very well, indeed, Mr. Smirk, addreffing her- felf to me. I made an acknowledging bow to her grace, as in duty bound But one flower flounced involuntarily from me that day, as I -may fay. I remember, Dr. Trifle called it enthufiaftic, and pronounced it a pre- fage of my future greatnefs, Sir Geo. What was that ? Smirk. Why, fir, the lot was a Guido ; a fingle figure, a marvellous fine performance ; well preferved, and ' highly finiflied. It (tuck at five and forty - } I, charmed with the pic- ture, and piqued at the people, A going for five and forty, no body more than five and forty? -Pray, ladies and gentlemen, look at this piece, quite flefh and blood, and only wants a touch from the torch of Prometheus to ftart from the canvas, and fall a bidding. A general plaudit enfued, I bowed, and in three niinutes knocked it down at fixty three, ten. Sir Geo. That was a ftroke at leaft equal to your mafter. Smirk. O dear me ! You did not 'know the great man, alike in every thing. He had as much to fay upon a ribbon, as a Raphael. His manner was inimitably fine. I remember, they took him off at the playhoufe, fome time ago ; pleafant, but wrong. Public chara&ers fliould not be fported with They are facred But we lofe time. Sir Geo. Oh, in the lobby, on the table, you will find the particulars. E 2 Smirk. 54 THE MINOR. Smirk. We fhallfee you. There will be a ivorld of company. I {hall pleafe you. But the great nicety of our art is, the eye. Mark how mine {kirns round the room. Some bid- ders are ihy, and only advance with a nod; but I nail them. One, two, three, four, five. You will be furprized Ha, ha, ha, heigh ho. [Exeunt. ACT. III. Enter Sir George and Loader. Sir George. A Moft infernal run. Let's fee, (Pulls out a card.) Loader a thoufand, the Baron two, Tally Enough to beggar a banker. Every {hilling of Transfer's fupply exhaufted ! nor will even the fale of my movcables prove fumcient to difcharge my debts. Death and the devil ! In what a complication of Calami- ties has a few days plunged me ! And no re- fource ? Load. Knight, here's old moll come to wait on you ; flie has brought the tid-bit I fpoke of. Shall I bid her fend her in? Sir Geo. Pray do. [Exit Loader. Enter Mrs, Cole and Lucy. Mrs* Cole. Come along, Lucy. You bafh- ful baggage, I thought 1 had filenced your fcruples. Don't you remember what Mr. Squintum, faid? A woman's not worth faving, that THE MINOR, 55 that wont be gu ; lty of a Twinging fin ; foi\ they have matter to repent upon. Here, your honour, I leave her to your management. She is young, tender, and timid ; does not know what is for her own good ; but your honour will foon teach her. I would willingly ftav, but I mud not lofe the lecture. [Exit. Sir Geo. Upon my credit, a fine figure ! Aukward Can't produce her publicly as mine ; but me will do for private amufement Will you be feated, mifs ? Dumb ! quite a picture ! She too wants a touch of the Promethean torch Will you be fo kind, ma'am, to walk from your frame and take a chair r Come, pry'thee, why fo coy ? Nay, I am not very adroit in thecuftom of this coun- try, J fuppofe I muft conduct you Come, mifs. Lucy. O, fir ! SirGfo. Child! Lucy. If you have any humanity, fpare me. Sir Geo. In tears! What can this mean? Artifice. A project to raife the price, 1 fup- pofe. Look'e, my dear, you may fave this piece of pathetic for another occafion. It won't do with me; I am no novice So, child, a truce to your tragedy, i beg. Lucy. Indeed you wrong me, lir; indeed you do. Sir Geo. Wrong you ! how came you here, and for what purpofe ? Lucy. A ihameful one j I know it all, and yet believe me, fir, I am innocent. Sir Geo. Oh, I don't queftion that. Your pious, patronefs is i proof of your innocence. E 3 Lucy. 56 THE MINOR. Lucy. What can I fay to gain your credit ? ' And yet, fir, ftrong as appearances are againft me, by all that's hoiy, you fee me here, a poor, diftreft, involuntary vi&im. Sir Geo. Her ftyle's above the common clafs ; her tears are real. Rife, child. How the poor, creature trembles ! Lucy. Say then I am fafe ! Sir Geo. Fear nothing. Lucy. May heaven reward you. I cannot. Sir Geo. Pr'ythee child, colleft yourfelf, and help me to unravel this myftery. You came hither willingly ? There was no force ? Lucy. None. , Sir Geo. You know Mrs Cole. Lucy. Too well. Sir Geo. How came you then to truft her ? Lucy. Mine, fir, is a tedious, melancholy tale. Sir Geo. And artlefs too ? Lucy. As innocence. Sir Geo. Give it me. Lucy. It will tire you. Sir Geo. Not if it be true. Be juft, and you will find me generous. Lucy. On that, fir, I relied in venturing\ hither. Sir Geo. You did me juftice. Truft me with all your ftory. If you deferve, depend upon my protection. Lucy. Some months ago, fir, I was confider- ed as the joint heirefs of a refpe&able, wealthy merchant ; dear to my friends, happy in my profpefts, and my father's favourite. Sir Geo. His name. Lucy, 2 THE MINOR. 57 Lucy. There you mult pardon me. Un- kind and cruel tho' he has been to me, let me difcharge the duty of a daughter, fuffer in fi- lence, nor bring reproach on him who gave me being. Sir Geo. I applaud your piety. Lucy. At this happy period, my father, judging an addition of wealth mull bring an in- creafe of happinefs, refolved to unite me with a man, fordid in his mind, brutal in his man- ners, and riches his only recommendation. My refufal of this ill-fuited match, tho' mildly given, enflamed my father's temper, naturally choleric, alienated his affections, and banifhed me his houfe, diftreft and deftitute. Sir Geo. Would no friend receive you ? Lucy. Alas, how few are friends to the un- fortunate! Befides, I knew, fir, fuch a ftep would he confidered by my father, as an appeal from his juftice. I therefore retired to a remote corner of the town, truiting, my only advocate, to the tender calls of nature, in his cdol, re- flecting hours. Sir Geo, How came you to know this woman ? Lucy. Accident placed me in a houfe, the miftrefs of which profefied the fame principles with my infamous condu6lrefs, There, as en- thufiafm is the child of melancholy, I caught the infe&ion. A conftant attendance on their afTemblies, procured me the acquaintance of this woman, whofe extraordinary zeal and de- votion firft drew my attention and confidence, I trufted her with my ftory, and in return re- ceived the warmeft invitation to take the pro- tection of her hpufe. This I unfortunately ac- cepted. E 4 Sir 58 THE MINOR. Sir Geo. Unfortunately indeed ! Lucy. By the decency of appearances, I was fome time impofed upon. But an accident, which you will excufe my repeating, revealed all the horror of my iituation. I will not trout- ble you with a recital of all the arts ufed to fe- duce me; happily they hitherto have failed. But this morning I was acquainted with my deftiny; and no other election left me, but im- mediate compliance, or a jail. In this defpe-r rate condition, you cannot wonder, fir, at my choofmg rather to rely on the generofity of a gentleman, than the humanity of a creature infenfible to pity, and void of every virtue., Sir Geo. The event mail juflify your choice. You have my faith and honour fory our fecurity. For tho' I can't boaftof my own goodnefs, yet I have an honeft feeling for afflicted virtue ; and, however unfathionable, a fpirit that dares afford it protection. Give me your hand, As foon ^s I have difpatched fome preffing bufinefs here, I will lodge you in an afylum, facred to the diflreffes of your fex ; where indigent beaur ty is guarded from temptations, and deluded jnnocence refcued from infamy. [Exeunt. Enter Shift, Shif!. Zooks, I have toiled like a horfe ; quite tired, by Jupiter. And what mail I get for my pains ? The old fellow here talks of making me eafy for life. Eafy ! and what does he mean by eafy ? He'll make me an excife-man, I fup- pofe ; and fo with an ink-horn at my button-hole, and a taper fwitch in my hand, I fhall run ^bout gauging of beer-barrels. No, that will . neve THE MINOR. 59 never do. This lad here is no fool. Foppifh indeed. He does not want parts, no, nor prin- ciples neither. I overheard his fcene with the girl. I think I may truft him. I have a great mjnd to venture it. It is a fliame to have him duped by this old don. It muit not be. I'll in and unfold Ha ! Egad I have a thought too, which, if my heir apparent can execute, I mall ftill l|e concealed, and perhaps be rer ^varded on both iides. I have it, 'tis engendered, piping hot, And now, Sir knight, I'll match you with a plot. [Exit. Enter Sir William and Richard Wealthy. R. Weal. Well, I fuppofe, by this time, you are fatisfied what afcoundrel you have brought into the world, and are ready to finilh your fool- ery, Sir Will, Got to the cataftrophe, good bro- ther. R. Weal. Let us have it over then. Sir Will. I have already alarmed all his tradefmen: I fuppofe we fhall foon have him here, with a legion of bailiffs and conftables. Oh, you have my will about you ? R. Weal. Yes, yes. Sir Will. It is almoft time to produce it, or read him the claufe that relates to his rejecting your daughter. That will do his bufmefs. But they come. I muft return to my character. Enter Shift. Shift. Sir, lir, we are all in the wrong box; pur fcheme is blown up j your fon has detected Loader 60 THE MINOR. Loader and Tally, and is playing the very devil within. Sir Will. Oh, the bunglers! Shift. Now for it, youngfter. Enter, Sir George, driving in Loader and ano- ther. Sir Gco. Rafcals, robbers, that, like the lo- cuft, mark the road you have taken, by the ruin and defolation you leave behind you. Load. Sir George! Sir Geo. And can youth, however cautious, be guarded againft fuch deep-laid, complicated villainy ? Where are the reft of your diabolical crew ? your auctioneer, ufurer, and O, fir, are you here? 1 am glad you have not efcaped us, however. Sir Will, What de devil is de matter? Sir Geo* Your birth, which I believe an irrt- pofition, preferves you, however, from the difcioline thofe rogues have received* A ba- ron, a nobleman, a fharper! O fliame! It is enough to banifli all confidence from the world. On whofe faith can we rery, when thofe, whofe honour is held as facred as an oath, unmindful of their dignity, defcend to rival pick-pockets in their infamous arts. What are thefe [pulls out dice] pretty implements? The fruits of your leifure hours! They are dexteroufly done. You have a fine mechani-* cal turn. Dick, fecure the door. Mrs. Cole, fpeaking as entering* Mrs. Cole. Here I am, at laft. Well, and how is your honour, and the little gentlewo- man? Blefs me! what is the matter here? Sir THE MINOR. And croud the houfe for Satan's benefit. Oh, what you fnivel ! well, do fo no more, "J Drop, to atone, your money at the door, > And, if I pleafe I'll give it to the poor. j FINIS. THE L Y A R. C O M E D Y IN THREE ACTS. As it is Performed at the THEATRE in the HAY-MARKET. Bv SAMUEL FOOTED LONDON: ?rnted for W. LOWNDES, J. RIVINGTON and SON?, And S, BLADON, in PATER-NOSTER-ROW, M DCCLXXXVI. [Price One Shilling and Six-pence.] PROL O G UE. J/T/HAT -various revolutions in our art, Since Tbefpis fir fl fung ballads in a cart / 2" nature framed the witty -war to wage, dlay the deed foundations of the Jf age, From his own foil that bard his pictures drew ! The gaping crowd the mimic features knew t And the broad jejl with fire eleftricjlew. Succeeding times, more polijh'd and refin'd. To rigid rules the comic mufe confined Robb'dof the natural freedom ofherfong, In artful meafures now Jhe floats along ; No fprightly follies roufe the JlumV ring pit ; Thglia^ grown mere architect in wit, To doors and ladders has confined her cares 9 Convenient clofets^ and afnug back Jlairi, 'Twixt her and Satire has dijfilv'dthe league, And jilted humour to enjoy intrigue. To gain the fuff rage of tbispolijb'd age, We bring to 'night a fir anger on the ft age * His fire De Vega j we confefs this truth, Left you mi/lake him for a Britijh youth. Severe the cenfure on my feeble pen. Neglecting manners, that Jhe copies men : Thus, if I hum or ha, or name report, 'Tis Serjeant Splitcaufe from the Inns of Court*, If, at the age that ladies cetfe to dance 9 To romp at Ranelagh, or read remance t I draw a dowager inclined to man, Or paint her rage for china or japan. The true original is quickly known, And lady Squab proclaim d throughout the town* But in the following group let no man dare To claim a limb, nay, not a Jingle hair : What gallant Briton can befucb afot Ti own the child a Spaniard has, Irtgtt* Dramatis Perfonae. Sir JAMES ELLIOT, Mr. R. Palmer, OLD WILDING, the Father, Mr. Fearo-n. YOUNG WILDING, Mr. Palmer. PAPILLION, Mr. Eaddeley. Mifs GRANTAM, Mrs. Hitchcock. Mifs GODFREY, Mifs Platt. KITTY, the Maid, Mrs. PouJ/in. The THE R.- ACT I. SCENE a Lodging, YOUNG WILDING and PAPILLION difcovered. Toting Handing. I am now, Papillion,- perfectly equipped ? PapMion. Perfonne mieux. Nobody better. T. Wild.^ My figure ? Fait a peindre* 7A/. My air ? . Libre. . Myaddrefs? Pap. Parifiene. T y Wild. My hat fits eafily under my arm * not Jike the draggled tail of my tattcr'd acade- mical habit. Pap. Ah, bein autre chofe. T. Wild. Why then adieu, Alma Mater, and bien venue, la ville de Londre; farewell to rhe fchools, and welcome the theatres -, prefidents, proctors, fhort commons with long graces, muft now give place to plays, bagnios, long tavern- bills with no graces at all. ?*/< 15 THE L Y A R. Pap. Ah, bravo, bravo ! T. Wild. Well, but my dear Papillion, yoii muft give me the chart du paye : This town is a new world to me , my provident papa, you know would never fuffer me near the fmoak of London ; and what can be his motive for per- mitting me now, I can't readily conceive. Pap. Ni moi. T. Wild, I fliall, however, take the liberty to conceal my arrival from him for a few days. Pap. Vous avez raifon. T. Wild. Well, my Mentor, and how am I r.6 manage ? direct my road : where muft I begin ? But the debate is, I fuppofe, of confequence ? Pap. Vraiment. T. Wild. How long have you left Paris, Pa* pillion ? Pap. Twelve, dirteen year. T. Wild. I can't compliment you upon your progrefs in Englifh. Pap. The accent is difficult. T. Wild. But here you are at home. Pap. C'eft vrai. T. Wild. No ftranger to fafhionable places-. Pap. O faite ! T. Wild. Acquainted with the fafhionable figure of both fexes. Pap. Sans doute. T. Wild. Well then, upon your lecture : And, d'ye hear, Papillion, as you have the honour to be promoted from the mortifying condition of an humble valet, to the important charge of a private tutor, let us difcard all diftance between us ; See me ready to flack my thirft at your fountain of knowledge, my Magnus Apollo. Pap. Here then I difclofe my Helicon to my boetical pupil. . ST. Wild. THE LYAR. 7 r. Wild. Hey, Papillion ! Pap. Sir ? r. Wild. What is this ? why you fpeakEngliih! Pap. Without doubt. T. Wild. But like a native j Pap. To be fure. Y. Wild. And what am I to conclude from all this ? Pap. Logically thus, Sir: Whoever fpeaks pure Englifh is an Englifhman j I fpeak pure Englifti ; ergo, I am an Englifhman. There's a categorical fyllogifm for you, Major, Minor, and Confequence. What do you think, Sir, that whilft you was bufy at Oxford, I was idle ? no, no, no. T. Wild. Well, Sir, but notwithstanding your pleafantry, I muft have this matter explain'd. Pap. So you fhall, my good Sir j but don't be in fuch a hurry :You can't fuppofe I would give you the key, unlefs I meant you fhoiild open the door. T. Wild. Why then, prithee unlock. Pap. Immediately. But by way of entering upon my poft as preceptor, fuffer me firft to give you a hint : You muft not expect, Sir, to find here, as at Oxford, men appearing in their real characters ; every body there, Sir, knows that Dr. Mufly is a fellow of Maudlin, and Tom Trifle a (ludentof Chriftchurch ; but this town is one great comedy, in which not only the prin- ciples, but frequently the perfons are feigned. T. Wild. A ufeful obfervation, Pap. Why now, Sir, at the firft coffee -houfc I fhall enter you, you will perhaps meet a man, from whofe decent fable drefs, placid counte- nance, irjfmuating behaviour, fhort fword, with, the waiter's civil addition of " a dilh of coffee for I THE L Y A R: for Dr. Julap," you would fuppofc him to be aphyfician. Y. Wild. Well ? Pap. Does not know diafcordium from dia- culum. An abfoluce French fpy, concealed under the (belter of a huge medicinal perriwig. ?. Wild. Indeed ! Pap. A martial figure too, it is odds but you will encounter ; fromwhofe fears, title, drefs, and addrefs, you would fuppofe to have had a lhare in every action fmce the peace of the Py- renees ; runner to a gaming-table, and bully to a bawdy-houfe. Battles to be fure he has been jn -with the watch \ and frequently a prifoner too in the round-houfe, T. Wild. Amazing! Pap. In fhort, Sir, you will meet with law- yers who praftife fmuggling, and merchants who trade upon Hounflow-heath ; reverend atheifts, right honourable fharpers, and French- men from the county of York. T. Wild. In the laft lift, I prefume, you roll, Pap. Juft my fituation. T. Wild. And pray, Sir, what may be your motive for this whimfical transformation ? Pap. A very harmlefs one, I promife you : I would only avail myfelf' at the expence o folly and prejudice. T. Wild. As how ? Pap. Why, Sir But, to be better under- Hood, I believe it will be necefTary to give you a fhort fketch of the principal incidents of my life. T. Wild. Prithee do. Pap. Why then you are to know, Sir, that imy former fituation has been rather above my prefent condition,having once fuftained the dig- nity of fub -preceptor to one of thofe cheap acad rural emies T H E x L Y A R. 9 academies with which our county of York is fo plentifully flocked. T. Wild. But to the point : Why this dif- guife ? Why renounce your country ? Pap. There, Sir, you make a little miftake; it was my country that renounced me. T. Wild. Explain. Pap. In an inftant-,. upon quitting the fchool, and firft coming to town, I got recommended to the compiler of the Monthly Review. T. Wild. What an author too ? Pap. Oh, a voluminous one : the whole re- gion of the belles lettres fell under my infpec- tion; phyfic, divinity, and the mathematics, mymiftrefs managed herfelf. There, Sir, like another Ariftarch, I dealt out fame and dam-_ nation at pleafure. In obedience to the caprice and commands of my matter, I have condemn'd books I never read, and applauded the fidelity of a translation, without underflanding one fyl- lable of the original. T. Wild. Ah ! why I thought acutenefs of difcernment, and depth of knowledge, were neceflary to accomplifh a critic. Pap. Yes, Sir j but not a monthly one. Our method was very concife : We copy the title- page of a new book j we never go any further : If we are ordered to praife it, we have at hand about ten words, which, fcatter'd through as many periods, effectually does the bufinefs j as, I had the fortune to deliver from the Mohawks, whofe prifoner he had been for nine years. He gives a mod entertaining account of their laws and cuftoms : he (ball pre~ fent you with the wampum belt, and a fcalping- knife. Will you permit him, Madam, juft to give you a tafte of the military dance, with a fliort fpecimen of their warhocp. Pap. For Heaven's fake ! M. Gr. The place is too public. T. Wild. In fhort, Madam, after having ga- thered as many laurels abroad as would garnifh a Gothic cathedral at Chriftmas, I returned to reap tfae harveft of the well-fought field, Here it was C my iS THE L Y A R. my good fortune to encounter you : then was the victor vanquifhed ; what the enemy could never accomplifh, your eyes in an inftant atchiev'd ; prouder to fcrve here than command in chief elfe- \vhere j and more glorious in wearing your chains, than in triumphing over the vanquifh'd world. M . Gr. I have got here a moft heroical lover : But I fee Sir James Elliot coming, and muft difmifs him [sljide] Well, Sir, I accept the tender of yourpafiion, and may find a time to renew our acquaintance; at prefent it isnecefiary we fhould feparate. T. Wild. " Slave to your will, I live but to obey you." But may I be indulged with the knowledge of your refidence. M. Gr. Sir? T. Wild. Your place of above. M. Gr Oh, Sir, you can't want to be acquaint- ed with that j you have a whole year flood cen- tinel at my ladyfhip's portal. r. Wild. Madam, 1 II M> Gr. Oh, Sir, your fervant. Ha, ha, ha ! What, you are caught ! Ha, ha, ha ! Well, he has a more intrepid aflurance. Adieu, my Mars. Ha, ha, ha ! [Exit. Pap. That laft was an unlucky queftion, Sir. T. Wild. A little mal-a-propos I muft confefs. Pap. A man {hould have a good memory who pleals much in this poetical profe. T. Wild. Poh ! I'll foon re-eftabliih my credit. But I muft know who this girl is: Hark ye, Papillion, could not you contrive to pu'mp out of her footman I fee there he Hands- the name of his miftrefs ? Pap.\ will try. [Exit. [ Wilding retires to the back of tbeftage. Enter THE L Y A R. 19 Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT, and Servant. Sir James. Mufic and an entertainment ? Servant. Yes, Sir. Sir Ja. Lad night, upon the water ? Serv. Upon the water, laft night. Sir Ja. Who gave it ? Serv. Thar, Sir, I can't fay. To them WILDING. T. Wild. Sir James Elliot your mofb devoted Sir Ja. Ah, my dear Wilding ! you are wel- come to town. T. Wilding. You will pardon my impatience; I interrupted you ; you feem'd upon an intereft- ing fubjeft. Sirja. Oh, an affair of gallantry. r. Wild. Of what kind? Sir. Ja. A young lady regal'd laft night by her lover, on the Thames. T. Wild. As how? Sir Ja. A band of mufic in boats. T. Wild. Were they good performers ? Sir Ja. The beft. Then conduced to Marble- hall, where (he found a magnificent collation. T. Wild. Well order'd ? Sir Ja. With elegance. After fupper a ball j and to conclude the night, a firework. T. Wild. Was the laft well defign'd ? Sir'Ja. Superb. T. Wild. And happily executed ? Sir Ja. Not a fingle faux pas. T. Wild. And you don't know who gave it ? Sir Ja. I can't even guefs. T. Wild. Ha, ha, ha! Sir. Ja. Why do you laugh ? r, Wild. Ha, ha, ha 1 It was me. C i Sir 20 THE L Y A R, Sir Ja. You ! Pap. You, Sir ! T. mid. Moi me. Pap. So, fo, fo3 he is enter'd again. Sir Ja. Why, you are fortunate, to find a miftrefs in fo fhort a fpace of time. T. Wild. Short ! why, man, I have been in London thefe fix w^eks. Pap. O Lord, O Lord ! T. Wild. It is true, not caring to encounter my father, 1 have rarely ventured out but at nights. Pap. I can hold no longer. Dear Sir. T. Wild. Peace, puppy ! Pap. A curb to your poetical vein. T. Wild. I fhall curb your impertinence.* But fince the ftory is got abroad I will, my dear friend, treat you with all the particulars. Sirja. I fhall hear it with pleafure. This is a lucky adventure : But he mult not know he is my rival. \Afide\ Y. Wild. Why, Sir> between fix and feven my goddefs embark'd at Somerfet-ftairs, in one of the companies barges, gilt and hung with damafk, exprefly for the occafion, Pap. Mercy on us ! T. Wild. At the cabin-door fhe was accofted by a beautiful boy, who, in the garb of a Cupid, p,aid her fome compliments in verfe of my own compofing: the conceits were pretty; allufions to Venus and the fea the lady and the Thames nojgreat matter ; but, however, well-tim'd, and what was better, well taken. Sir. Ja. Doubtlefs. Pap. At what a rate he runs ! T. Wild. As foon as we had gained the center of the river, two. boats full of trumpets, French horns, THE L Y A R. a horns, and other martial mufic, ftruck up their i'prightly ftrains from the Surry-fide, which were ccho'd by a fuitable number of lutes, flutes, and hautboys from the oppofite fhore. In this flare, the oars keeping time, we majeftically fail'd along, till the arches of the New Bridge gave a paule, and an opportunity for an elegant tlefart in Drefden china, by Robinfon. Here the repaft clos'd, with a few favourite airs from Eliza, Tenducci, and the Mattel. Pap. Mercy on us ! T. Wild. Oppofite Lambeth I had prepared a naval engagement, in which Bofcawen's victory over the French was repeated : the action was conducted by one of the commanders on that ex- pedition, and not a fingle incident omitted. Sir Ja. Surely you exaggerate a little. Pap. Yes, yes, this battle will fink him. T. Wild. True to the letter, upon my honour, I lha'n't trouble you with a repetition of our collation, ball, feu d'artifice, with the thoufand little incidental amufements that chance or defign produc'd ; it is a enough to know, that all that could flatter the fenfes, fire the imagination, or gratify the expectation, was there produc'd in a lavifh abundance. Sirja. The facrifice was, I prefume, grateful to your deity. T. Wild, Upon that fubject you muft pardon my filence. Pap. Modeft creature ! Sir Ja. I wifti you joy of your fuccefs. For the prefent you will excufeme. T. Wild. Nay, but Ray and hear the conclulion. Sir Ja. For that i fhall feize another occa- fion. [#;'/. Pap. Nobly performed, Sir. r. 22 T H E L Y A R. T. mid. Yes, T think happily hit off. Pap. May I take the liberty to offer one queftion ? T. Wild. Freely. Pap, Pray, Sir, are you often vifued with thefe \vaking dreams ? T. Wild. Dreams! whatdoft mean by dreams? Pap. Thefe ornamental reveries, thefe frolics of fancy, which, in the judgment of the vulgar, would be deem'd abfolute flames. T. Wild. Why, Papiflion, you have but a poor, narrow, circumfcribed genius. Pap. I .muft own, Sir, I have no fublimity fufficient to relifh the full fire of your Pindaric mufe. T. Wild. No ; a plebeian foul ! But I will ani- mate thy clay : mark my example, follow my itepsj and in time thou may'ft rival thy mafter. Pap. Never, never, Sir, 1 have no talents to fight battles without blows, and give feafts that don't coft me a farthing. Befides, Sir, to what purpofe are all thefe embellilhments ? Why tell the lady you have been in London a year ? T. Wild. The better to plead the length, and confequently the ftrength of my paffion. Pap. But why, Sir, a foldier. T. Wild. How little thou know 'ft of the fex ! What, I fuppofe thou would'tt have me attack them in mood and figure, by a pedantic, ciaf- fical quotation, or a pompous, parade of jargon, from the fchoois. What, doft think that women, .are to be got like degrees ? Pap. Nay, Sir T. Wild. No, no; the fcavoir vivre is the fci- ence for them ; the man of war is their man : they muft be taken like towns, by lines of ap- proach, counter-fcarps, angles, trenches, cohorns, and T H E L Y A R. 23 and covert-ways ; then enter fword in hand, pell- mell ! oh, how they melt at the Gothic names of General Swappinback, Count Roufoumoufky, Prince Montecuculi, and Marfhal Fuftinburgh ! Men may fay what they will of their Ovid, their Petrarch, and their Waller, but I'll undertake to do more bufmefs by the fingle -aid of the London Gazette, than by all the fighing, dying, crying crochets, that the whole race of rhymers have everproduced. Pap. Very well, Sir j this is all very lively j but remember the travelling pitcher : if you don't one time or other, under favour, lye yourfelf into fome confounded fcrape, 1 will content to be hanged. T. mid. Do you think fo, Papillion ? And whenever that happens, if I don't lye myfelf out of it again, why then I will be content to be cruci- fy'd. And fo, along after the lady. [Stops Jhort, going out."] Zounds, here comes my father ! I muft fiy. Watch him, Papillion, and bring me word to the Cardigan. \JLxtunt feparately. N D of the FIRST ACT: ACT 24 THE L Y A R. j&&^^ & ACT II. CENE. ATAVE R N. YOUNG WILDING and PAPILLION rifing from 'Table. Young Wilding, GAD, I had like to have run into the old gentleman's mouth. Pap. It is pretty near the fame thing ; for I faw him join Sir James Elliot: fo your arrival is IK) longer a fecret. T. Wild. Why then I muft lofe my pleafure, and you your preferment : I muft fubmit to the dull decency of a fober family, and you to the cuftomary duties of brufhing and powdering. But I was fo flutter'd at meeting my father, that I forgot the fair ; pr'ythee who is flie ? Pap. There were two. T. Wild. That I faw ? Pap. From her footman I learnt her name was Godfrey. r. Wild. And her fortune I Pap. Immenfe. r. Wild. Single, I hope ? Pap. Certainly Pap. Then will I have her. Pap. What, whether Ihe will or no ? T. Wild. Yes. Pap. How will you manage that ? r. Wild. THE L Y A R. 25 T. Wild. By making it impofiible for her to marry anyoneelfe. Pap. I don't underftand you, Sir. T. Wild. Oh, 1 fhall only have recourfe to that talent you fo mightily admire, You will fee, by the circulation of a few anecdotes, how foon I will get rid of my rivals. Pap. At the expence of the lady*s reputation, perhaps. T. Wild. That will be as it happens. Pap. And have you no qualms, Sir ? T. Wild. Why, where's the injury ? Pap. No injury to ruin her fame ! T. Wild. I will reftore it to her again. Pap. How ? T. Wild. Turn tinker and mend it myfelf. Pap. Which way? T. Wild. The old way , folder it by marriage : that, you know, is the modern falve for every fore, Enter WAITER. Wait. An elderly gentleman to enquire for Mr Wilding. T. Wild. For me ! what fort of a being is it ? Wait. Being, Sir! Y. Wild. Ay; how ishedreft? Wait. In a tye-wig and fnuff-colour'd coat. Pap. Zooks, Sir, it is your father. r. Wild. Shew him up. [Exit Waiter. Pap. And what muft I do ? T. Wild. Recover your broken Englifh, but prefer ve your rank : I have a reafon for it. Enter OLD WILDING. O. Wild. Your fervant, Sir: your are welcome to town. D T. Wild. a6 THE L Y A R. T. Wild. You have juft prevented me, Sir: J was preparing to pay my duty to you. O. Wild. If you thought it a duty, you Ihould, I think, have fooner difcharg'd it. T. Wild. Sir ! O. Wild. Was it quite fo decent, Jack, to be fix weeks in town, and conceal yourfelf only from me^? T. Wild. Six weeks ! I have fcarce been fix hours. O. Wild. Come, come, I am better inform'd. T. Wild. Indeed, Sir, you are impos'd upon. This gentleman (who firft give me leave to have the honour of introducing to you), this, Sir, is the marquis de Chatteau Briant, of an an- cient houfe in Brittany ; who, travelling through England, chole to make Oxford for fome time the place of his refidence, where I had the happi- nefs of his acquaintance. O. Wild. Does he fpeak Englifh. T. Wild. Not fluently, but understands it per- fectly. Pap. Pray, Sir, O. Wild. Any fervices, Sir, that I can render you here you may readily command. Pap. Beacoup d'honeur. T. Wild. This gentleman, I fay, Sir, whofe quality and country are fufficient fecurities for his veracity, will allure you that yefterday we left Oxford together. O. Wild. Indeed! $ Pap. C'eftvrai. O. Wild. This is amazing, I was, at the fame time, infcrm'd of another circumllance too, that, I confefs, made me a little uneafy, as it interfer'd with a favourite fchcme of my own. T. Wild. THE L Y A R. 27 r. Wild. What could that be, pray, Sir ? O. Wild. That you had conceiv'd a violent affection for a fair lady. T. Wild. Sir ! O. Wild. And had given her very gallant and very expenfive proofs of your paffion. T. Wild. Me, Sir! O. Wild. Particularly laft night j mufic, colla- tions, balls, and fireworks. T. Wild. Monfieur le marquis ! And pray, Sir, who could tell you all this ? O. Wild. An old friend of yours. T. Wild. His name, ifyoupleafe. O. Wild. Sir James Elliot. T. Wild. Yes : I thought he was the man. 0. Wild. Yourreafon. T. Wild. Why, Sir, though Sir James Elliot has a great many good qualities, and is, upon the whole, a valuable man, yet he has one fault which has long determined me to drop his ac- quaintance. O. Wild. What may that be ? T. Wild. Why you can't, Sir, be a ftranger W his prodigious {kill in the traveller's talent. O. Wild. How ! T. Wild. Oh, notorious to a proverb. His friends, who are tender of his fame,, glofs over his foible, by calling him an agreeable novelifr : and lo he is, with a vengeance . Why, he will tell you more lyes in an hour, than all the circu- lating libraries, put together, will publith in a year. O. Wild. Indeed! T. Wild. Oh, he is the modern Mandeville at Oxford ; he was always diftinguifh'd by the face- tious appellation of the Bouncer. 0. Wild. Amazing ! D a T. Wild. 28 THE L Y A R. T. Wild. Lord, Sir, he is fo well underftood in his own country, that at the laft Hereford afiize a caufe, as clear as the fun, was abfolutely thrown away by his being merely mentioned as a w ; cnefs. O. Wild. A ftrange turn. T. Wild Unaccountable. But there I think they went a little too far; for if it had come to an oath, I. don't think he would have bounc'dneither; but in common occurrences there is no repeating after him. Indeed, my great reafon for dropping him was, that my credit began to be a little fuf- pecled too. Pap. Poor gentleman ! O. Wild. Why, I never heard this of him. T. Wild. That may be: but can there be a (Ironger proof of his practice than the flam he has been telling you, of fireworks, and the Lord knows what. And I dare fwear, Sir, he was very fluent and florid in his^defcription. O. Wild. Extremely. T. Wild. Yes, thatisjuft his way; and not a fyllable of truth from the beginning to the ending, marquis ? Pap. C% dat is all a fiction upon mine honour. T. Wild. You fee, Sir. O. Wild. Clearly. I really can't help pitying the pcor man. I have heard of people, who, by long habit, become a kind of conftitutional lyars. T. Wild. Your obfervation isjuft; that is ex- actly his cafe. Pap. I'm fure it is your's. O. Wild. Well i Sir, I fuppofe we fhall fee you this evening. Y. Wild. T H E L Y A R 29 T. Wild. The marquis has an appointment with fome of his countrymen, which I have pro- mis'd to attend ; befides, Sir, as he is an entire flranger in town, he may want my little fervices. 0. Wild. Where can I fee you in about an hour ? 1 have a fhort vifit to make, in which you are deeply concern'd. T. Wild. I lhall attend your commands i but where ? O. Wild. Why here. Marquis, I am your obedient fervant. Pap. Votre ferviteur tres humble. [Exit Old Wilding. T. Wild. So, Papillion , thac difficulty is dif- patch'd. 1 think 1 am even with Sir James for his tattling. Pap. Mod ingenioufly manag'd : But are not you afraid of the confequence ? T. Wild. I do not comprehend you. Pap. A future explanation between the par- ties. T. Wild. That may embarrafs : but the day is diftant. I warrant I will bring myfelf off. Pap. It is in vain for me to advife. T. Wild. Why, to fay truth, I do begin to find my fyftem attended with danger : Give me your hand, Papillion- I will reform. Pap. Ah, Sirl T. Wild. I pofitively will : Why this practice may in time deftroy my credit. Pap. That is pretty well done already. [Afide.] Ay, think of that, Sir. T. Wild. Well, if I don't turn out the meereft dull matter of fact fellow But, Papillion, I muft fcribble a billet to my new flame. I think her name is-*- Pap. 3 o T ft E L Y A R. Pap. Godfrey; her father, an Indian governor, fhut up in the ftrong room at Calcutta, left her all his wealth : me lives near mifs Grantam, by Grofvenor-fquare. T. Wild. A governor ! oh ho ! Bufhels of rupees, and pecks of pagodas, I reckon. Well, I rong to, be rumaging. But the old gentleman will foon return : I will haften to finifh my letter. But, Papillion, what could my father mean by a vifit in jvhich I am deeply con- ccrn'd ?. Pap. I can't guefs. T. mid. 1 fliall know prefentty. To Mifs Godfrey, formerly of Calcutta, now refiding in Grofvenor-fquare. Papillion, I won't tell her a word of a lye. Pap. You won't, Sir ? T. Wild. No; it would be ungenerous to de- ceive a lady. No; I will be open, candid and fincere. Pap. And if you are, it will be the firfttime. [Exeunt. V Enter Mifs GRANTAM and Mifs GODFREY. M. God. And you really like this gallant fpark ? M. Gr. Prodigioufly. Oh, I'm quite in love with his aflurance ! I wonder who he is : he can't have been long in town : a young fellow of his eafy impudence muft have foon made his way- to the beft of company. M. God. Byway of amufement he may prove no difagreeable acquaintance , but you can't, furely v have any ferious defigns upon him. M. Gr. Indeed but I have. M. God. THE L Y A R. 31 M. God. And poor Sir James Elliot is to be difcarded at once ? M. Gr. Oh, no. M. God. What is your intention in regard to him ? M. Gr. Hey ? I can't tell you. Perhaps, if I don't like this new man better, I may marry hirn. M. God. Thou art a ftrange giddy girl. M. Gr. Quite the reverfe ; a perfect pattern of prudence : why, would you have me lefs careful of my perfon than my purfe ? M. God. My dear ! M. Gr. Why I fay, child, my fortune being in money, I have feme in India-bonds, fome in the Bank, fome on this loan, fome on the other; fo that if one fun fails, 1 have a fure refource in thereft.- M. God. Very true. M. Gr* Well, my dear, juft fo I manage my love-affairs : if I fbould not like this man if he Ihould not like me if we fhould quarrel if, if or in fhort, if any of the ifs fhould happen, which you know break engagements every day, why by this means I fhall never be at a lofs, M. God. Quite provident. Well, and pray on how many different fecurities have you at prefent plac'd cue your love? M. Gr. Three : the fober Sir James Elliot, the new America-man, and this morning I expcded a formal propofal from an old friend of my father. M. God. Mr. Wilding. M. Gr. Yes j but I don't reckon much upon him: for you know, my dear, what can 1 do with an aukward, raw, college cub ? Though, upon 3 2 T H E L Y A R, upon fecond thoughts, that may'at be too bad neither , for as I muft have the fafhioning of him, he may be eafily moulded to one's mind. Enter a SERVANT. Serv. Mr. Wilding, Madam. M. Gr. Shew him in. [Exit Servant.] You need not go, my dear , we have no particular bufmefs. M. God. I wonder now what fhc calls particu- lar bufmefs. Enter OLD WILDING. O. Wild. Ladies your fervant. I wait upon you, Madam, with a requeft from my fon, that he may be permitted the honour of killing your had. M. Gr. Your fon is in town then ? ' O. Wild. He came laft night, Ma'am j and though but juft from the university I think I may venture to affirm, with as little the air of a pe- dant as M. Gr. I don't, Mr. Wilding, queftion the accomplifhments of your fon ; and (hall own too, that his being defccnded from the old friend of my father, is to me the itrongeft recommenda- tion. O. Wild. You honour me, Madam. M. Gr. But, Sir, I have fomething to fay O. Wild. Pray, Madam, fpeak out , it is im pofllble to be too explicit on thefe important oc- cafions. M. Gr. Why then, Sir, to a man of your wif- dom and experience 1 need not obferve, that the lofs of a parent to counfcl and direct at this fo- lemn T H E L Y A R. 33 lemn crifis, has made a greater degree of per- ibnal prudence neceflary in me. O. Wild. Perfectly right, Ma'am. M. Gr. We live, Sir, in a very cenforious world , a young woman can't be too much upon her guard; nor fhould I chufe to admit any man. in the quality of a lover, if there was not at lead a ftrong probability O. Wild. Of a more intimate connection. I hope, Madam, you have heard nothing to the difadvantage of my fon. M. Gr. Not a fyllable : but you know, Sir, there are fuch things in nature as unaccountable antipathies, avfrfions, that we take at firfl fight : 1 fhould be glad there could be no danger of that. O. Wild. I underftand you, Madam ; you (hall have all the fat is faction imaginable : Jack is to meet me immediately : 1 will conduct him under your window ; and if his figure has the mif- fortune to diipleafe, I will take care his addrefTes ihall never offend you. Your moil obedient fer- vant. Exit.] M. Gr. Now there is a polite, fenfible, old father for you. M. God. Yes ; and a very difciret, prudent daughter he is likely to have. Oh, you are a great hypocrite, Kitty. Enter a SERVANT. Serv. A letter to you, Madam. [70 Mifs God- frey.] Sir James Elliot to wait on your ladylhip. [To Mifs Grantam. | Exit. M. Gr. Lord, I hope he won't (lay long here. He comes and feems intirely wrapt up in the dif- mals : what can be the matter now ? E Enter 34 THE L Y A R. Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT: Sir Ja. In paffing by your door, I took the liberty, Ma'am, of enquiring after your health. M. Gr. Very obliging. I hope, Sir, you re- ceiv'd a favourable account. Sir Ja. I did not know but you might have caught cold laft night. M. Gr. Cold ! why Sir, I hope I did notfleep with my bed-chamber window open. Sir Ja. Ma'am ! M. Gr. Sir! Sir Ja. No, Ma'am ; but it was rather hazar- dous to ftay fo late upon the water. M. Gr. Upon the water ! Sir Ja. Not but the variety of amufements, it muft be own'd, were a fufficient temptation. M. Gr. What can he be driving at now ! Sir Ja. And pray, Madam, what think you of Young Wilding? is not he a gay, agreeable, fprightly M. Gr. 1 never give my opinion of people I don't know. Sir Ja. You don't know him ! M. Gr. No. Sir Ja. And his father I did not meet at your door ! M. Gr. Moft likely you did. Sir Ja. I am glad you own that, however : But, for the fon, you never M* Gr. Sat eyes upon him. Sir Ja. Really ? M. Gr. Really. Sir Ja. Finely fupported. Now, Madam, do you know that pne of us is juft going to make a very ridiculous figure ? K Gn THE L Y A R. 35 M. Ge. Sir, I never had the leaft doubt of your talents for excelling in that way. Sir Ja. Ma'am, you do me honour : but it does not happen to fall to my lot upon this oc* cafion, however. M. Gr. And that is a wonder ! What, then I am to be the fool of the comedy, I fuppofe. Sir Ja. Admirably rally'd ! But I Ihall daftuhe fpirit of that triumphant laugh. M. Gr. I dare the attack. Come on, Sir. Sir Ja. Known then, and blulh, if you are not as loft to fhame as dead to decency, that I am no ftranger to all laft night's tranfactions. Af. Gr. Indeed! Sirja. From your firft entering the barge at Somerfet-houfe, to your laft landing at White- hall. M. Gr. Surprizing ! Sir Ja. Cupids, collations, feafts, fireworks, all have reach'd me. M. Gr. Why you deal in magic. Sir Ja. My intelligence is as natural as it is in- fallible. M. Gr. May I be indulg'd with the name of your informer. Sir Ja. Freely, Madam. Only the very indi- vidual fpark to whofe folly you were indebted for this gallant profufion. M. Gr. But his name ? Sir Ja. Young Wilding. M. Gr. You had this ftory from him ? Sir Ja. I had. M. Gr. From Wilding ! That is amazing. Sir Ja. Oh ho 1 what you are confounded at laft j and no evafionto fubterfuge, n^ M. Gr. Lookye, Sir, James j what you can mean by this ftrange ftory, and very extraordi- E 2 ary 36 THE L Y A R. nary behaviour, it is impoflible for me to con- ceive j but if it is meant as an artifice to palli- ate your infidelity to me, lefs pains would have anfwep'd your purpofe. ' Sir Ja. Oh, Madam, I know you are provi- ded. M. Gr. Matchlefs infolence ! as you can't ex- pect that I fhould be prodigioufly pleas'd with the fubjecl: of this vifit, you won't be furprized at my wiJning it as fhort as poffible. Sir Ja. I don't wonder you feel pain at my prefence : but you may reft fecure you will have no interruption for me ; and I really think it would be pity to part two people fo exactly formed for each other. Your ladyfhip's fervant. [Going,"] But, Madam, though your fex fecures you from any farther refentment, yet the prefent object of your favour may have fomething to fear. [Exit. M. Gr. Very well. Now my dear I hope you will acknowledge the prudence of my plan. To what a pretty condition I mud have been reduc'd if my hopes had retted upon one lover alone. M. God. But are you fure that your method to multiply, may not be the means to reduce the number of your flaves ? M. Gr. Impoflible! Why can't you difcern that this flam of Sir James Elliot's is a mere fetch to favour his retreat. M. God. And you never faw Wilding ? M. Gr. Never! M. Ged. There is fome myftery in this. I have too here in my hand another mortification that you muft endure. M. Gr. Cf what kind? M. God. THE L Y A R. 37 M. God. A little ally'd to the laft : it is from the military fparkyou met this morning. M. Gr. What are the contents ? M. God. Only a formal declaration of love. M. Gr. Why, you did not fee him. M. God. But it feems he did me. M. Gr. Might I perufe it ? Wild. I have done a deed O. Wild. Let us hear it. T. Wild. At Abington, in the county of Berks. O Wild. Well? T. Wild. I am O. Wild. What ? T. Wild. Already married. O. Wild. Married ! Pap. Married ! r. Wild. Married. O. Wild. And without my confent ? Y. Wild. Compell'dj fatally forc'd. Oh, Sir, did you but know all the circumftances of my fad, fad ftory, your rage would foon convert it- felf to pity. O. Wild. What an unluckly event ! But rife, and let me hear it all. T. Wild. The (hame and confufion I now feel renders that tafk at prefent impoflible : I there- fore rely for the relation on the good offices of this faithful friend. Pap. Me, Sir, I never heard one word of the matter. O. Wild. Come, Marquis, favour me with the particulars. Pap. T H E L Y A R. 41 Pap. Upon my vard, Sire, dis affair has fo fiiock me, that I am almoft as incapable to tell de tale as your fon. [fTo Young Wilding-] Dry a your tears. What can I fay, Sir ? T. Wild. Any thing. Oh ! (Seems to weep.) Pap. You fee, Sire. O. Wild. Your kind concern at the misfor- tunes of my family calls for the moft grateful acknowledgement. Pap. Dis is great misfortunes, fans doute. T.Wild. But if you, a ftranger, are thus af- fected, what muft a father feel ? Pap. Oh, beaucoup great deal more. O. Wild. But fince the evil is without a re- medy, let us know the worft at once. Well, Sir, at Abington. Pap. Yes, at Abington. O. Wild. In the county of Berks. Pap. Dat is right, in de county of Berks. T. Wild. Oh, ho i O. Wild. Ah, Jack, Jack, are ail my hope* then Though I dread to afk, yet it muft be known ; who is the girl, pray Sir ? Pap. De girl, Sir IMdt to Young Wilding.] Who (hall I fay ? T. Wild. Any body. Pap. For de girl, I can't fay upon my vard. O. Wild. Her condition ? Pap. Pas grande condition , dat is to be fure; But dere is no hdp.-[dfide to Young Wilding.] Sir, 1 am quite aground. O. Wild. Yes j I read mylhame in his referve: feme artful huffy ? Pap. Dat may be. Vat you call huffy ? O. Wild. Or perhaps fome common creature ! But Fam prepar'd to hear the worft. F Pap. 42 THE L Y A R, Pap. Have you no mercy ? Y. Wild. I'llftep to your relief, Sir. Pap. O Lord ! a happy deliverance. Y. Wild. Though it is almoft death for me to fpeak, yet it would be infamous to let the repu- tation of that lady fuffer by my filence : She is, Sir, of an ancient houfe and unblemifh'd cha- racter. 0. Wild. That is fomething. Y. Wild. And though her fortune may hot be equal to the warm wifhes of a fond father, yet O. Wild. Her name ? Y. Wild. Mifs Lydia Sybthorp. O. Wild. Sybthorp. 1 never heard of that name. But proceed. Y. Wild. The latter end of laft long vacation, I went with Sir James Elliot to pafs a few days at a new peichafe of his near Abington. There at an aflembly it was my chance to meet and dance with this lady. 0. Wild Is (be handfome ? Y. Wild. Oh, Sir, more heautiful O. Wild. Nay, no raptures ; but go on. Y. Wild. But to her beauty fhe adds politenefs, affability, and difcretion j unlefs fhe forfeited that character by fixing her affection on me. O. Wilding. Modeftly obferved. Y. Wild* 1 wasdeterr'd from a pablic declara- tion of my pafllon, dreading the fcantinefs of her fortune would prove an objection to you. Some private interviewsihe permitted. O. Wild. Was that fo decent ? But love and prudence, madnels and reafon. Y. Witt. T H E L Y A R. 43 T. Wild.. One fatal evening, the twentieth of September, if I miftake not, we were in a retir'd room, innocently exchanging mutual vows, when her father, whom we expecled to fup abroad, came fuddenly upon us. I had juft time to con- ceal myfelf in a clofet. O. Wild. What, unobfervedbyhim? T. Wild. Entirely. But, as my ill ftars would have it, a cat of whom my wife is vaftly fond, had a few days before lodged a litter of kittens in the fame place : I unhappily trod upon one of the brood, -which foprovok'd the implacable mother, that fhe flew at me with the fury of a tyger. O. Wild. I have obferved thofe creatures very fierce in defence of their young. Pap. I fhall hate a cat as long as I live. T. Wild. The noife rous'd the old gentleman's attention ; he opened the door, and there difco- ver'd your fon. Pap. Unlucky. T. Wild. I rulh'd to the door-, but fatally my foot flipt at the top of the ftairs, and down I came tumbling to the bottom; the piftol in my had went off by accident : this alarm'd her three brothers in the parlour, who, with all their fervants, rufh'd with united force upon me. O. Wild. And fo furpriz'd you ? T. Wild. No, Sir; with my fword I for fome time made a gallant defence, and fhould have inevitably efcap'd, but a raw-bon'd, over-grown, clumfy cook-wench, ftruck at my fword with a kitchen poker, broke it in two, and compelled me to furrender at difcretion ; the confequence of which is obvious enough. F 2 0. Wild. 44 T H E L Y A R. 0. Wild. Natural. The lady's reputation, your condition, her beauty, your love, all com- bin'd to make marriage 1 an unavoidable meafure. T. Wild. May I hope then you rather think me unfortunate than culpable ? O. Wild. Why your fituation is a fufficient ex- cufe : all I blame you for is your keeping it a fe- cret from me. With Mifs Grantam 1 fhall make an aukward figure : but the beft apology is the truth : I'll haften and explain it to her all Oh, Jack, Jack, this is a mortifying bufinefs. T. Wild. Moft melancholy. [Exit Old Wilding. Pap. I am amaz'd Sir, that you have fo care- fully conceal'd this tranfa&ion from me. T. Wild. Heyday ! what do you believe it too ? Pap. Believe it ! Why is not the (lory of the marriage true ? T Wild. Not a fyllable. Pap. And the cat, and the piftol, and the poker. T. Wild. All invention. And were you really taken in ? Pap. Lord, Sir, how was it poflible to avoid it ? Mercy on us ! what a collection of circumftances have you crowded together ! T. Wild. Genius j the mere effecls of genius, Papillion. But to deceive you, who fo thoroughly know me ! Pap. But to prevent that for the future, could you not juft give your humble fervant a hint, when you are bent upon bouncing. Befides, Sir, if you recollect yovtffix'd refolution to reform . r. Wild. T H E L Y A R, 45 T. Wild. Ay, as to matter of fancy, the mere fport and frolic of invention : but in cafe of ne- cefiity why, Mifs Godfrey was at ftake, and.! was fbrc'd to ufe all my finefle. Enter a SERVANT. Serv. Two letters, Sir. [Esnt. Pap. There are .two things in my confcience my matter will never want: a' prompt lie and a ready excufe for telling of it. T. Wild. Hum 1 bufmefs begins to thicken upon us : a challenge from Sir James Elliot, and a rendezvous from the pretty Mifs Godfrey. They lhall both beobferv'd, but in their order : there- fore the lady firft. Let me fee I have not been twenty hours in town, and I have already got a challenge, a miflrefs, and a wife j now if 1 can but get engaged in a chancery fuit, I lhall have my hands pretty full of employment. Come, Papillion, we have no time to be idle. \Exeunt. E N P of the S E c o N D Ac T, ACT 46 THE L Y A R. &J*&^^ A C T III. Mifs GR ANT Awand Mifs GODFREY. Mifs Godfrey. UPON my word, Mifs Grantam, this is but an idle piece of curiofity : you know the man is already difpos'd of, and therefore M. Gr. That is true, my dear ; but there is in this affair fome myllery that I muft and will have explain'd. M. God. Come, come, 1 know the grievance. You can't brook that this fpark, though even a married man, fhould throw off his allegiance to you, and enter a volunteer in my fervice. M. Gr. And fo you take this fact for granted? M. God. Have I not his letter ? M. Gr. Conceited creature ! I fancy, Mifs, by your vaft affection for this letter, it is the firft of the kind you ever receiv'd. M. God. Nay, my dear, why fhould you be piqu'd at me ? the fault is none of mine ; I dropt no handkerchief ; I threw out no lure ; the bird came willing to hand, you know. M. Gr. Metaphorical too ! what, you are fet- ting up for a wit as well as a belle ! why really, Madarrij to do you juftice, you have full as fine pretentions to one as the other. M. God. I fancy, Madam, the world will not form their judgment of either from the report of a disappointed rival. M Gr* THE L Y A R. 47 M. Gr. Rival f admirably rally'd ! But, let me tell you, Madam, this fort of behaviour, Madam, at your own houfe, whatever may be >our beauty, is no great proof of your breeding, Madam. M. God. As to that, Ma'am, I hope I fhall always fhew a proper refentment to any infult that is offer'd me, let it be in whofe houfe it will. The affignation, Ma'am, both time and place, was of your own contriving. M. Gr. Mighty well, Ma'am ! M. God. But if, dreading a mortification, you think proper to alter your plan, your chair, I believe, is in waiting. M. Gr. It is, Madam ! then let it wait Oh, what that was your fcheme ! but it won'c take, Mifs : the contrivance is a little too fhallow. M. God. I don't understand you. M. Gr. Cunning creature ! So all this infolencc was concerted, it feems ; a plot to drive me out of the houfe, that you might have the fellow all toyourfelf: but I have a regard for your cha- racter, though you neglect it. Fie, Mifs ! a paflion for a married man ! 1 really blufli for you. M. God. And I moft fincerely pity you. But curb your choler a little : the enquiry you are about to make requires rathet a cooler difpofition of mind; and by this time the hero is at hand. M. Gr. Mighty well 5 I am prepar'd. But, Mifs Godfrey, ifyoureally wifh to be acquitted of all artificial underhand dealings, in this affair, fuffer me in your name to manage the inter- view. M. God. Moft willingly. But he will recol- lect your voice. M. Gr, 4 3 T H E L Y A R M. Gr. Oh, that is eafily alter'd. [Enter a Maid, who whifpers Mifs Grantam, and exit.'] It is he, but hide yourfelf, Mifs, if you pleafe. M. God. Your hood a little forwarder, Mifs : you may be known, and then we fhall have the language of politenefs inflam'd to proofs of a violent pafiion. M. Gr. You are prodigioufly cautious. Enter YOUNG WILDING ; T. Wild, This rendezvous is fomething in the Spanilh tafte, imported, I fuppofe, with the guittar. At prefent, I prefume, the cuftom is confin'd to the great j but it will defeend, and in a couple of months I fhall not be furpriz'd to hear an attorney's hackney clerk roufing at mid- night, a millener's 'prentice, with an " Ally, Ally Ccoker." But that, if I miftake not, is the temple ; and fee my goddefs herfelf. Mifs Godfrey ! M. Gr. Hufh. T. mid. Am I right, Mifs ? M. Gr. Softly. You receiv'd my letter, I fee> Sir. T, Wild. And flew to the appointment with more M. Gr. No raptures, I beg. But you mud not fuppofe this meeting meant to encourage your hopes. T. Wild. How, Madam ! M. Gr. Oh, by no means, Sir ; for tho' I own your figure is pleafing, and your converfation M. God. Hold, Mifs $ when did I ever con- verfe with him ? M. Gr. Why, did not you fee him in the Park ? M. God. T H E L Y A R. 49 M. God. True, Madam : but the converfation was with you. M. Gr. Blefs me ! you are very difficult, I fay, Sir, though your perfon may be unexceptionable, yet your character T. mid. My character! M. Gr. Come, come, you are better known than you imagine. T. mid. I hope not. M. Gr. Your name is Wilding. T. Wild. How the deuce carne (lie by that! Tru?, Madam. M. Gr. Pray have you never hjeard of Mifs Gran tarn ? T. Wild. Frequently. M. Gr. You have. And had you never any favourable thoughts of that lady ? Now mind, Mifs. T. Wild. If you mean as a lover, never. The lady did me the honour to have a fmall defign upon me. M. God, I hear every word, Mifs. M. Gr. But you need not lean fo heavy upojn me i he fpeaks loud enough to be heard. 1 have been told, Sir, that T. Wild. Yes, Ma'am, and very likely by the lady herfelf. M. Gr. Sir! T. Wild. Oh, Madam, I jiave another obliga- tion in my pocket to Mifs Grantam, which muft be difcharg'd in the morning. M. Gr. Of what kind ? T. Wild. Why the lady, finding an old hum- ble fervant of her's a little lethargic, has thought fit to adminifter me in a jealous draught, in or- der to quicken his pafiion. M. Gr. Sir, let me tell you G M. God. 50 T H E L Y A R. M. God. Have a care ; you will betray your- felf. T. Wild. Oh, the whole (lory wiil afford you infinite diverfion : fuch a farago of fights and feafts. But, upon my honour, the girl has a fertile invention. M. God. So ! what that ftory was your's was it? T. Wild. Pray, Madam, don't I hear another voice ? M. Gr. A diftant relation of mine. Every . fyllable falfe. But, Sir, we have another charge againlt you. Do you know any thing of a lady at Abington ? T. Wild, Mifs Grantam again. Yes, Madam, I have fome knowledge of that lady. M. Gr. You have ! Well, Sir, and that being the cafe, how could you have the aflurance T. Wild. A moment's patience, Ma'am. That lady, that Berkflcire lady, will, I can allure you, prove no bar to rry hopes. M. Gr. How, Sir, no bar ? T. Wild. Not in the leaft, Ma'am ; for that lady exills in idea only. M. Gr. No fuch perlbn ! T. Wild. A meer creature of the imagination, M. Gr. Indeed? T* Wild. The attacks of Mifs Grantam were fo fowerfully enforc'd too by paternal athority, that had no method of avoiding the blow, buc by ftehering myfelf under the conjugal (hield. M. Gr. You are not marry'd then r But what credit can I give to the profeflions of a man, who, ip an articled fuch importance, and to a perfon of fuch refpca T H E L Y A R. $r T. Wild. Nay, Madam, furely Mifs Godfrey fhould not accufe me of a crime her own charms have occafion'd. Could any other motive but the fear of loGng her prevail on me to trifle with a father^ or compel me to infringe thofe laws which I have hitherto fo invariably ob- ferv'd ? M. Gr. What laws, Sir? T. Wild. The facred laws of truth, Ma'am. M. Gr. There, indeed you did yourfelf art infinite violence. But when the whole of the affair is difcover'd, will it be fo eafy to get rid of Mifs Grantam ? the violence of her paffion, and the old gentleman's obftinacy - T. Wild. Are nothing to a mind refolv'd. M. Gr. Poor Mifs Grantam ! T. Wild. Do you know her, Madam ? M. Gr. I have heard of her : but you, Sir, I fuppofe, have been long on an intimate footing ? T. Wild. Bred up together from children i M. Gr. Brave ! Is (he hand feme ? T. Wild. Her paint comes from Paris, and her femme de chambre is ah excellent artilt. M. Gr. Very wellHer (hape ? T. Wild.. Pray, Madam, is not Curzori. efteemed the beft ilay maker for people inclin'd to be crooked ? M. Gr. But as to the qualities of her mind k for inftance her underftanding ? T. Wild. Uncultivated. M. Gr. Her wit? T. Wild. Borrow'd. M. Gr. Her tafte t T. Wild. Trifling? Af. Gr. And her temper. ? r. Wild. Intolerable. G 2 U. Gr. 2 THE LYAR. M. Gr. A finifh'd piflure. But come thefe are not your real thoughts ; this is afacrifice you think due to the vanity of our fex. T' Wild. My honeft fentiments : and to con- vince you how thoroughly indifferent I am to that lady, 1 would, upon my veracity, as foon take a wife from the grand fignior's feraglio. Now, Ma'am, I hope you are fatisfy'd M. Gr. And you would not icruple to acknow- ledge this before the lady's face ? T. Wild. The firft opportunity. M. Gr. That I will take care to provide you. Dare you meet me at her houfe ? r. Wild. When ? M. Gr. In half an hour. T. Wild. But won't a declaration of this fort appear odd at a M. Gr. Come, no evafion ; your conduct and character feem to me a little equivocal, and J muft infifton this proof, at lead of - T. Wild. You fliall have it. M. Gr. In half an hour. T. Wild. This inftant. M. Gr.JBe punctual. T. Wild, Or may I forfeit your favour. M. Gr. Very well : till then, Sir, adieu. Now I think I have my fpark in the toil ; and if the fellow has any feeling, if I don't make him fmart for every article Come, my dear, I ihall {rand in need of your aid. [Exeunf. T. Wild. So ! I am now, I think, arriv'd at a critical period. If I can but weather this point But why fhould 1 doubt it ? it is in the day of diftrefs only that a great man difplays his abili- ties. But I Ihall want Papillion : where can the puppy be ? Enter THE L Y A R. Enter PAPILLION. T. Wild, So, Sir ; where have you been ram- bling ? Pap. I did not fuppofe you would want T. Wild. Want ! you are always out of the way : Here have I been forc'd to tell forty lies upon my own credit, and not a fingle foul to vouch for the truth of them. Pap. Lord, Sir, you know T. Wild. Don't plague me with your apolo- .gies ; but it is lucky for you that I want your alfiftance. Come with me to Mifs Grantam's. Pap. On what occafion ? T. Wild. An important one : but I'll prepare you as we walk. Pap. Sir, I am really 1 could wifh you would be fo good as to > T. Wild. What, defert your friend in the heat of battle ! oh, you poltroon ! Pap. Sir, I would do any thing, but you know J have not talents T. Wild. I do, and for my own fake fhall not talk them too high. Pap. Now 1 fuppofe the hour is come when we fhall pay for all. T. Wild. Why, what a daftardly, hen-hearted But come, Papillion, this fhall be your laft campaign. Don't droop, man -, confide in your leader, and remember, Sub aufpice Teucro nil defperandum. [Exeunt. SCENE 54 T H E L Y A R. SCENE a Room. Enter a SERVANT, conducing in OLD WILDING, . Serv. My lady, Sir, will be at home immedi- ately. Sir James Elliot is in the next room waiting her return. O. Wild. Pray, honeft friend, will you tell Sir James that I beg the favour of a word with him. [Exit Servant.] This unthinking boy ! Half the purpofe of my life has been to plan this fcheme for his happinefs, and in one heedlefs hour has he mangled all. Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT. Sir, I afk your pardon : but upon fo interefting a lubjefl, I know you will excufe my intrufion. Pray, Sir, of what credit is the family of the Sybthorps in Berkshire ? Sirja. Sir! O. Wild. I don't mean as to property ; that I am not fo felicitous about ; but as to their cha- racter : Do they live in reputation ? Are they reflected in the neighbourhood ? Sir Ja. The family of the Sybthorps ! O. Wild. Of the Sybthorps." O. Wild Really I don't know, Sir. O. Wild Not know ! Sir Ja. No ; it is the very firft time I ever heard of the name. O. Wild. How fteadily he denies it! VVell done, baronet ! I find Jack's account was a juft one. [d/tde.] Pray, Sir James, recollect your- felf. Sir Ja. THE L Y A R. 55 Sir Ja. It will be to nopurpofe. O. Wild Come, Sir, your motive for this af- fefted ignorance is a generous, but unnecefiaTy proof of your friendfliip for my fon : but I know the whole affair. Sirja. What affair? O. Wild. Jack's marriage. Sirja. What Jack ? O. Wild. My fon Jack. Sir Ja. Is he marry'd ? O. Wild. Is he marry'd ! why you know he is. Sir. Ja. Not I, upon my honour. O. Wild. Nay, that is going a little too far: but to remove all your fcruples at once, he has own'd it himfelf. Sirja. He has. O, Wild. Ay, ay s to me. Every circum- flance $ going to your new purchale at Abington meeting Lydia Sybthorp at the aflembly their private interviews furpri/'d by the father piftol poker and marriage - t in fhort, every particular. Sir Ja. And this account you had from your Ton ? O. Wild. From Jack j not two hours ago. Sir Ja. I wilh you joy, Sir. - 0. Wild. Not much of that, I believe. Sir Ja. Why, , c 'r, does the marriage difpleafe you ? O. Wild. Doubtlefs. Sirja. Then I fancy you may make yourfelf eafy. 0. Wild. Why fo ? Si. Ja. You have got, Sir, the moft prudent daughter-in-law in the Britifh dominions. O. Wild. 1 am happy to hear it. Sir Ja. $6 THE L Y A R. Sir Ja. For though (he mayn't have brought you much, I'm fure fhe wilt not coft you a farthing. O. Wild. Ays exactly Jack's account. Sir Ja. She'll be eafily jointur'd. O. Wild. Jultice ftiall be done her. Sir Ja. No provifion neceffary for younger children. O. Wild. No Sir! why not ? I can tell you, if fhe anfwers your account, not the daughter of a duke Sir Ja. Ha, ha, ha, ha. O. Wild. You are very merry, Sir. Sir Ja. What an unaccountable fellow ! O. Wild. Sir ! Sir Ja. I beg your pardon, Sir. But with re- gard to this marriage O. Wild. Well, Sir. Sir Ja. I take the whole hi (lory to be neither more nor leis than abfolute fable. O. Wild. How, Sir! Sir Ja. Even fo. O. Wild. Why, Sir, do you think my fon would dare to impofe upon me ? Sir Ja. Sir, he would dare to impofe upon any body. Don't 1 know him ? O. Wild. What do you know ? Sirja. 1 know, Sir, that his narratives gain him more applaufe than credit j and that, whe- ther from conltitudon or habit, there is no be- lieving a fyllable he fays. O. Wild. Oh, mighty well, Sir ! He wants to turn the tables upon Jack. But it won't do; you are foreftall'd ; your novels won't pafs upon me. Sir Ja. Sir ! O. Wild. Nor is the character of my fon to be blafted with the breath of a bouncer. Sir a. THE L Y A R. 57 Sir Ja. What is this? O. mid. No, no, Mr. Mandeville, it won't do j you are as well known here as in your own county of Hereford. Sir Ja. Mr. Wilding, but that I am fure this extravagant behaviour owes its rife to fome im- pudent impofitions of your fon, your age would fcarce prove your protection. O. Wild. Nor, Sir, but that I know my boy equal to the defence of his own honour, fhould he want a protector in this arm, wither'd and impo- tent as you may think it. Enter Mifs GRANT AM. M. Gr. Blefs me, Gentlemen, what is the meaning of this ? Sir Ja. No more, at prefent, Sir : I have an- other demand upon your fon j we'll fettle the whole together. 0. Wild, I am fure he will do you juftice. M. Gr. How, Sir James Elliot, I flatter'd myfelf that you had finiih'd your vifits here, Sir. Mud I be the eternal object of your outrage ? not only infulted in my own perfon, but in that of my friends ! Pray, Sir, what right O. Wild. Madam, I afk your pardon ; a dif- agreeable occafion brought me here : I come, Madam, to renounce all hopes of being nearer ally'd to you, my 'fon unfortunately being mar- ry 'd already. M. Gr. Marry'd ! Sirja. Yes, Madam, to a lady in the clouds: and becaufe I have refus'd to acknowledge her family, this old gentleman has behav'd in a manner very inconliftent with his ufual polite- lids. H O. Witt. ' 58 THE L Y A R. O. Wild. Sir, I thought this affair was to be referv'd for another occafion ; but you, it fecms M. Gr. Oh, is that the bufmefs ? Why, I begin to be afraid we are here a little in the wrong, Mr, Wilding. O. mid. Madam. M. Gr. Your Ton has juft confirm' d Sir James Ellior's opinion, at a conference under Mifs Godfrey's window. O. Wild. Is it poffible? M. Gr. Mod true; and afilgn'd two moft \vhimfical motives for the unaccountable tale. O mid. What can they be ? M. Gr. An averfion for me, whom he has feen but once, and an affection for Mifs Godfrey, whom I am almoft fure he never faw in his life. 0. Wild. You amaze me. M' Gr. Indeed, Mr. Wilding, your fon is a mofl extraordinary youth j he has finely perplex'd us all. I think/ Sir James, you have a fmall ob- ligation to him. Sir Ja. Which I fhall take, care to acknowledge the firft opportunity. O. fflild. You have my confent. An aban- doned profligate ! was his father a proper fubjecl fbr his But I difcard him. M. Gr. Nay, now r .Gentlemen, you are rather too warm : I can't think Mr. Wilding bad-hearted at the bottom. This is a levity O. Wild. How, Madam ! a 'levity ! M. Gr. Take my word for it, no more -, en- flam'd into habit by the approbation of his juve- nile friends, Will you fubmit his punifhment to me ? I think I have the means in my hands, both to fatisfy your refentments, and accomplifh his Cure into the bargain. Sir-Ja. T H E L Y A R. 59 Sir Ja. I have no quarrel to him, but for the ill offices he has done me with-you. M. Gr. D'ye hear, Mr. Wilding ? I am afraid my opinion with Sir James mult cement the ge- neral peace O. Wild. Madam, I fubmit to any* Enter a SERVANT. Serv. Mr. Wilding to wait upon you, Madam.' {Exit. M. Gr. He is punctual, I find. Come, good folks, you all act under my direction. You, Sir, will get from your fon, by what means you think fit, the real truth of the Abington bufmefs. You muft likewife feemingly confent to his marriage with Mifs Godfrey, who I (hrewdly fufpcct he has by fome odd accident miftaken for me : the ladjr herfelf fhall appear at your call. Come, Sir James, you will withdraw. I intend to produce another performer, who will want a little inftruc- tion. Kitty. Enter KITTY. Let John (hew Mr. Wilding in to his father $ then come to my drefling room : I have a Ihort fcene to give you in ftudy. [Exit Kitty.] The girl is lively, and 1 warrant will do her character juftice. Come, Sir James. Nay, no ceremony : we muft be as bufy as bees. [Exeunt; 0. Wild. This ftrange boy ! But I muft com- mand my temper. T. Wild, [freaking as he enters.] People to fpeak with me ! See what they want, Papillion. My father here ! that's unlucky enough. H a O. Wild. 66 THE L Y A R. O. Wild. Ha, Jack ! what brings you here ? T. Wild, Why, I thought it my duty to ware upon Mifs Grantam, in order to make her forne apology for the late unfortunate O. Wild. Well now, that is prudently, as well as politely done. . T. Wild. I am happy to meet, Sir, with your approbation. O. Wild, \ have been thinking, Jack, about my daughter-in-law : as the affair is public, it is not decent to let her continue longer at her father's. T. Wild. Sir ! O. Wild. Would it be right to fend for her home ? T. Wild. Doubtlefs, Sir. O. Wild. 1 think fo. Why then to-morrow my chariot (hall fetch her. T. Wild. The devil it (hall ! \AJih.] Not quite fo foon, if you pleafe, Sir. O. Wild. No! why not ? T. Wild. The journey may be dangerous in her prefent condition. O. Wild. What's the matter with her ? T. Wild* She is big with child, Sir. O. Wild. An andacious Big with child ! that is fortunate. But, however, an eafy carriage, and fhort ftages can't hurt her. T.. Wild. Pardon me, Sir, I dare not truft her ; flie is fix months gone. 0. Wild. Nay, then, there may be danger in- deed. But fhould I write to her father, juft to let him know that you have difcovered the fe- eret. T. Wild. By all means, Sir, it will make him- extremely "happy. 0. Wild. T H-E L Y A R 61 O. Wild. Why then I will inftantly about it, pray how do you direct to him ? T. Wild. Abington, Berkshire. O. Wild. True j but his addrcfs ? T. Wild. You need not trouble yourfelf, Sir : I fhall write by this poll to my wife/ and will fend your letter inclos'd. O. Wild. Ay, ay, that will do. [Going. T. Wild. So, I have parry'd that thruft. O. Wild. Though upon fecond thoughts, Jack, that will rather look too familiar for an introduc- tory letter. T. Wild, Sir ! 0. Wild. And thefe country gentlemen are full of punctilios No, I'll fend him a letter apart , fo give me his direction. T. Wild, You have it, Sir. O. Wild Ay, but his name : I have been fo hurty'd that I have entirely forgot it. T. Wild. I am fure fo have I. ~ \Afide. "\ His name his name, Sir Hopkins. O. Wild. Hopkins! T. Wild. Yes, Sir. 0. Wild. That is not the fame name that you gave me before : that, if I recollect, was either Sypthorpe, or Sybthorpe. T. Wild. You are right, Sir : that is his pa- ternal appellation j but the name of Hopkins he took for an eftate of his mother's : fo he is indif- ciiminately called Hopkins or Sybthorpe; and now I recoiled I have his letter in my pocket- he figns himfelf Sybthorpe Hopkins. O. Wild. There is no end of this : I mud flop him at once. Harkye, Sir, I think you are call'd my fon. T. Wild. I hope, Sir, you have no reafon to doubt it- O. Wad, 2 THE L Y A R. O. Wild. And look upon yourfelf as a gentle- man? T. Wild. In having the honour of defcending from you. O. Wild. And that you think a fufficieut prc- tcnfion ? T. Wild. Sir pray, Sir O. Wild. And by what means do you imagine your anceftors obtained that diftinguifhing title ? By their pre-eminence in virtue, I iuppofe. Y. Wild. Doubtlefs, Sir. O. Wild. And has it never occurr'd to you, that what was gain'd by honour might be loft by in- famy? T, Wild. Perfectly, Sir. O. W.ild. Are you to learn what redrefs even the imputation of a lye demands, and that no- thing lefs than the life of the adverfary can extin- guifh the affront. T. Wild. Doubtlefs, Sir. O. Wild. Then how dare yon call yourfelf a gentleman ? you, whofe whole life has been one continued fcene of fraud and falfity ! And would nothing content you but making me a partner in your infamy ? not fatisfied with viola- ting the great band of fociety, mutual confidence, the mod facred rights of nature muft be invaded, and your father made the innocent inftrument to circulate your abominable impofitions ! Y. Wild. But, Sir! O. Wild. Within this hour my life was near facrific'd in defence of your fame: but perhaps thatvvas your intention, and the ftory of your marriage merely calculated to fend me out of the world, as a grateful return for my bringing you into it. Y. Wild. T H E L Y A R. 63 T. Wild. For heaven s fake, Sir. O. Wild. What other motive ? 'T. Wild. Hear me, I intreat you, Sir. O. Wild. To be again impos'd on ! no. Jack, my eyes are open'd at laft. T. Wild. By all that's facred, Sir O. Wild. lam now deaf to your delufions. T. Wild. But hear me, Sir, I own the Abing- ton bufinefs O. Wild. Anabfolutefiflion ? T. Wild. I do. O. Wild. And how dare you T. Wild. I crave but a moment's audience. O. Wild. Go on. T. Wild. Previous to the communication of your intention for me, I accidently met with a lady whofe charms 0. Wild. So! what here is another. marriage trumped out: but that is a dale device. And pray, Sir, what place does this lady inhabit ? Come, come, go on j you have a fertile invention, and this is a fine opportunity. Well, Sir, and this charming lady, refiding, I fuppofc, 4 in Nubi- bus T. Wild. No, Sir ; in London. O, Wild. Indeed. T. Wild. Nay, more, and at this inftant in this houfe. O. Wild. And her name T. Wild. Godfrey, O. Wild. The friend of Mifs Gran tarn ? T. The very fame, Sir. O. Wild. Have you fpoke to her ? T. Wild. Parted from her not ten minutes ago, nay, am here by her appointment. P. Wild. Has (he favour'd your addrefs ? T. Wild. Time, Sir, and your approbation, will, I hope. 0. mid* 64 THE L Y A R. O. Wild. Lookye, Sir ; as there is fome little probability in this ftory, I fhall think it worth jarther enquiry. To be plain with you, I know Mifs Godfrey ; ann intimate with her family , and though you deferve butlittle from me, I will en- deavour to aid your intention. But if in the pro- grefs of this Affair, you practife any of your ufual arts ; if I difcover the Leaft fallhood, the leaft du- plicity, remember you have loft a father. T. Wild. I fhall iubmit without a murmur. [Exit Old Wilding. Enter PAPILLXON. T. Wild. Well, Papillion. Pap. Sir, here has been the devil to pay within. T. Wild. W T hat's the matter ? Pap. A whole legion of cooks, confectioners, muficians, waiters, and watermen. T, Wild. What do they want ? Pap. You, Sir. T. Wild. Me ! Pap. Yes, Sir ; they hzyve brought in their bills. T. Wild. Bills ! for what ? Pap. For the entertainment you gave laft night upon the water. T. Wild. That I gave! Pap. Yes, Sir; you remember the bill of fare : I am fure the very mention of it makes my mouch water T. Wild. Prithee are you mad ? There muft be fome miltake j you know that I Pap. They have been vaftly puzzled to find out your lodgings : but Mr. Robinfon meeting by accident with Sir James Elliot, he was kind enough to tell him where you liv'd. Here are the bills : Almack's, twelve dozen of claret, ditto Champagne, T H E L Y A R. 65 Champagne, Frontiniac, fweatmeats, pine-ap- ples : the whole amount is 372!. 95. befides mufic and fireworks. T. Wild. Come, Sir, this is no time for trifling. Pap. Nay, Sir, they fay they have gone full as low as they can afford ; and they were in hopes, from the great fatisfaction you exprefs'd to Sir James Elliot, that you would throw them in an additional compliment. T. Wild. Harkye, Mr. Papillion, if you don't ceafe your impertinence, I fhall pay you a com- pliment that you would gladly excufe. Pap. Upon my faith 1 relate but the mere matter of fa<5t. You know, Sir, I am but bad at invention j tho' this incident 1 can't help think- ing is the natural fruit of your happy one. T. Wild. But are you ferious ? is this pofiible ? Pap. Moft certain. It was with difficulty I reftrain'd their impatience ; but however I have difpatch'd them to your lodgings, with a promife that you fhall immediately meet them. T. Wild. Oh, there we (hall foon rid our hands of the troop. Now, Papillion, I have news for you. My father has got to the bottom of the whole Abington bufinefs. Pap. The deuce ! T. Wild. We parted this moment. Such a fcene ! Pap. And what was the iffue ? T. Wild. Happy beyond my hopes. Not only an ad of oblivion, but a promife to plead my caufe with the fair. * Pap. With Mifs Godfrey ? T. Wild. Who elle ? He is now with her in another reom. Pap. And there is no you underftand me in all this ? I T. Wild. 65 T H E L Y A R. v T. Wild. No, no ; that is all over now nv reformation is fix'd. Pap As a weather-cock. T. #W. Here comes my father. Enter OLD WILDING. O. Wild. Well, Sir, I find in this laft article you have condescended to tell me the truth : the young lady is not averfe to your union -, but in order to fix fo mutable a mind, I have drawn up a flight contract, which you are both to fign. T. Wild. Withtranfporr. O. Wild. I will introduce Mifs Godfrey. [#//. T. Witt. ,Did rfpt 1 tell you, Papillion ? Pap. TVis is amazing, indeed. T. : Wild. Am not I a happy fortunate ? But tfeey come, ' Enter OLD WILDING, tf/M/* GODFREY. O. Wild. If, Madam, rre h&s not the higheft fenfe of the great honour Sir THOMAS. Oh, dear me ! nothing perfonal j no ; an im- promptu; a mercjeud'efprit. PUFF. Then, Sir Thomas, the fecret is out ; it is your own. DACTYL. That was obvious enough. PUFF. Who is there elfe could have written it ? RUST. True, true. Sir THOMAS. THE PATRON. 37 Sir THOMAS. The name of the author is needlefs. So it is an acquifition to the republic of letters, any gentle- man may claim the merit that will* PUFF. What a noble contempt ! DACTYL. What greatnefs of mind ! RUST. Scipio and Laelius were the Roman Loftys. Why, I dare believe Sir Thomas has been the making of half the authors in town; he is, as I may fay, the greateft manufacturer j the other poets are but pedlars, that live by retailing his wares. ALL. Ha, ha, ha ! well obferv'd, Mr. Ruft. Sir THOMAS. Ha, ha, ha ! Molle atque facetum. Why, to purfue the metaphor, if, Sir Thomas Lofty was to call in his poetical debts, I believe there would be a good many bankrupts in the Mufe's Gazette. -Ha, ha, ha! Sir THOMAS. But, a propos, gentlemen ; with regard to the eclipfe : you found my calculation exadl ? DACTYL. To a digit. Sir THOMAS. Total darknefs, indeed ! and birds goiog 19 rooft! Thofe philomaths, thofe almanack- makers, are the moft ignorant rafcals C 7 PUFF. jj THE PATRON. . PUFF. /.It:is amazing where Sir Thomas Lofty ftores all'his knowledge. DACTYL. ,j It is wonderful how the mind of man can contain it. Sir THOMAS. Why, to tell you the truth, that circumftance has a good deal engaged my attention; and I believe you will admit my method of folving philofpphical and ingenious Without queftion; ALL. " t>ri: DdufctleTs. Sir THOMAS. I fuppofe, gentlemen* my memory^ or mind, to be a eheft of drawers, a kind of bureau ; where, in feparate ccihjies, my different know- kdgeort different "fubjecls is ftored. 'RUST. A prodigious difcovery ! Al_iLj. Amazing ! Sir THOMAS. To this cabinet volition, or will, has a key; fo, when an arduous fubjecfl occurs, I unlock my bureau, .pull out the particular drawer, and am fupply'd with what I want in an inftaht. DACTYL. A Malebrarich! :?UFF. - A Boyle! ALL. A Locke! Enter THE PATRON. 39 Enter Servant* SERVANT. Mr. Bcver. [Exit. Sir THOMAS. A young gentleman from Oxford, recom- mended to my care by his father. The univer- (ity has given him a good folid Doric founda- tion ; and when he has received from you a few Tufcan touches, the Ionic and Corinthian graces, 1 make no doubt but he \\\\ prove a compofite pillar to ; the republic of letters. [ 'Enter Bever.~\ This, Sir, is the fchool from whence fo many capital matters have iffued; the river that en- riches the regions of fcience. DACTYL. Of which river, Sir Thomas, you are the fource: here we quaff; et purpureo bibimui orf nefiar. Sir THOMAS. Purpureo ! Delicate, indeed! Mr. Dactyl. Do you hear, Mr. Bever? Bibimus ore neftar. You, young gentleman, muft be inftructed to quote; nothing gives a period more fpirit than a happy Latin quotation, nor has indeed a finer effed ac the head of an eflay. Poor Dick Steel ! I have obliged him with many a motto for his fugitive pieces. PUFF. Ay, and with the contents too; or Sir Richard is foully belied. Enter Servant. SERVANT. Sir Roger Dowlas. Sir TIJOMAS. Pray defire him to enter. [Exit Servant.^ Sir Roger, Gentlemen, is a confiderable Eaft-lndia C 4 pro- 4O THE PATRON. proprietor; and fee ms defirous of collecting from this learned aflembly fome rhetorical flowers, which he hopes to ftrew, with honour to himfelf, and advantage to the company, in Leadenhall Street. \_Enter Sir Roger Dowlas.'] Sir Roger, be feated. This gentleman has, in common with the greateft orator the world ever faw, a fmall natural infirmity; he flutters a little: but I have prefcrib'd the fame remedy that Demofthenes ufed, and don't defpair of a radical cure. Well, Sir, have you digefted thofe general rules? Sir ROGKR. Pr ett y well, I am obli g'd to you, Sir Thomas. Sir THOMAS. Have you been regular in taking your tincture of fage, to give you confidence for fpeaking in public ? Sir ROGER. Y es, Sir Thomas. Sir THOMAS. Did you open at the laft general court ? Sir ROGER. I attem p ted fo ur or fi ve times. Sir THOMAS. What hindered your progrcfs? , Sir ROGER. The pe b bles. Sir THOMAS. Oh, the pebbles in his mouth. But they are only put in to practife in private ; you fhould take them out when you are addrefling the public. Sir ROGER. Yes ; I will for the fu ture. Sir THOMAS. THE PATRON. 41 Sir THOMAS. Well, Mr. Ruft, you had a tete-a-tete with my niece. A propos, Mr. Bever, here offers a fine occafion for you; we fhall take the liberty to trouble your Mufe on their nuptials. O Love! O Hymen! here prune thy purple wings; trim thy bright torch. Hey, Mr. Bever? BEVER. My talents are at Sir Thomas Lofty's direction; tho' I muft defpair of producing any perform- ance worthy the attention of fo complete a judge of the elegant arts. Sir THOMAS. Too modeft, good Mr. Bever. Well, Mr. Ruft, any new acquifition, finceour laft meeting, to your matchlefs collection? RUST. Why, Sir Thomas, I have both loft and gained fince 1 faw you. Sir THOMAS. Loft ! I am forry for that. RUST. The curious farcophagus, that was fent me from Naples by Signior Belloni Sir THOMAS. You mean the urn that was fuppofed to con- tain the duft of Agrippa ! RUST. Suppofed! no doubt but it did. Sir THOMAS. I hope no finifter accident to that ineftimablc relic of Rome. RUST. It's gone. Sir THOMAS. Gone! oh, illiberal! What, ftolen, I fuppofe, by fome connoiffeur ? PATRON. RUST. Worfe, worfe ! a prey, a martyr to ignorance : a houfemaid, that 1 hired laft week, miftook it for a broken grefen chamber-pot, and fent it away in the.dufVcart. Sir THOMAS. She merits impaling. Oh, the Hun ! DACTYL. The Vandal ! ALL. The Vifigoth ! RUST. But I have this day acquired a treafure that will in fome meafure make me amends. Sir THOMAS. Indeed'! what can that be? PUFF. That muft be fomething curious, indeed. ,* RUST.-- It has cod me infinite trouble to get it. DACTYL.' Great rarities are not had without pains. RUST. It is three months ago fmce I got the firft fcent of it, and I have been ever fmce on the hunt-, but all to no purpofe. Sir THOMAS. I am quite upon thorns till I fee it. RUST. And yefterday, when I had given it over, when all my hopes were grown defperate, it fell inio my hands, by the mott unexpede'd and wonder- ful accident. Sir THOMAS. >iiodoptanti divum promittere nemo Auderety vohenda dies en attulit iiilrv. Mr. Bever, you remark my quotation ? BEVER/ THE PATRON. 43 SEVER. Moil happy. Oh, Sir, nothing you fay can be loft. RUST. I have brought it here in my pocket; I am no churl; I love to ^leafure my friends* Sir THOMAS. You are, Mr. Ruft, -extremely, obliging. ;ALU .' Very kind, very obliging, indeed, i | . :Ruarf:. It was not much hurt by the fire. Sir THOMAS. Very -fortunate. RUST. The edges are foil'd by the link; but many of the letters are exceedingly legible. ' Sir ROGER. A li trie roo m, if you p leafe. RUST. Here it 'is; the precious remains of the very Norths-Britain that was burnt at the Royal- Exchange. "'. Sir THOMAS. Number forty-five ? * * The fame. BEVER. You are a lucky man, Mr. Ruft. ' RUST. I think fo. But, Gentlemen, I hope I need not give you a caution : hufh filence no words on this matter. DACTYL. You may depend upon us. RUST. For as the paper has not fuffered the law, J dof>'C know whether they may not feize it again. Sir THOMAS. 144 THE PATRON. Sir THOMAS. With us you are fafe Mr. Ruft. Well, young gentleman, you fee we cultivate all branches of fcience. BEVER. Amazing, indeed! But when we confider you, Sir Thomas, as the directing, the ruling planet, our wonder fubfides in an inftant. Science firft faw the day with Socrates in the Attic portico; her early years were fpen-t with Tully in the Tufculan fhade ; but her ripe, tnaturer hours, (he enjoys with Sir Thomas Lofty, near Cavendim-Square. Sir THOMAS. The moft claflical compliment I ever received. Gentlemen, a philofophical repaft attends your acceptance Within. Sir Roger, you'll lead the way. [Exeunt all but Sir Thomas and Bever. ~] Mr. Bever, may I beg your ear for a moment ? Mr. Bever, the friend (hip I have for your father, fe- cured you at firft a .gracious reception from me ; but what I then paid to an old obligation, is now, Sir, due to your own particular merit. BEVER. I am happy, Sir Thomas v if Sir THOMAS. Your patience. There is in you, Mr. Bever, a fire of imagination, a quicjcncfsofapprehenfion, a folidity of judgment, jom'd; to a depth of dif- cretion, that I never yet met with in any fubjecl at yur time 1 of lite. BEYER. I hope I fhall never forfeit Sic THOMAS. I am fure you never will; land to give yo then there can be no doubt of it's merit. ... Sir THOMAS. Ithinknot. You will be charm'd with the fubjed, BEVER. What is it, Sir Thomas ? Sir THOMAS. I (hall furprize you. The ftory of Robinfon Crufoe. Are not you ftruck? BEVER. Moft prodigioufly. Sir THOMAS. Yes j I knew the very title would hit you. You will find the whole fable is finely donduded, and the charader of Friday, qualis ab incepto, nobly fupported throughout. BEVER. A pretty difficult tafk. Sir THOMAS. True; that was not a bow for a boy. The piece has long been in rehearfal at Drury-lane play- houfe, this night is to make its appearance. BEVER. To-night ? Sir THOMAS. This night. BEVER. J will attend, and engage all my friends to fup- port it. Sir THOMAS. That is not my purpofe ; the piece will want no fuch afliftance. BEVER. THE PATRON. 47 BEVER. I beg pardon. Sir THOMAS. The manager of that houfe (who you know' it a writer himfelf), finding all the anonymous things he produced (indeed fomeofthcm wretch- ed enough, and very unworthy of him) placed to his account by the public, is determined toexhibic no more without knowing the name of the author. BEVER. A reafonable caution. Sir THOMAS. 4ow, upon my promife (for I appear to patro- nize the play) to announce the author before the curtain draws up, Robinfon Crufoe is advertifed for this evening. BEVER. Oh, then, you will acknowledge the piece to be your's? Sir THOMAS. No. BEVER. How then? Sir THOMAS. My defien is to give it to you. BEVER. To me ! Sir THOMAS. To you. BEVER. What, me the author of Robinfon Crufoe! Sir THOMAS. Ay. BEVER. Lord, Sir Thomas, it will never gain credit: fo compleat a production the work of a (tripling! Befides, Sir, as the merit is your's, why rob your, felf of the glory ? Sir THOMAS. 4 % THE PATRON. Sir THOMAS. I am entirely indifferent to that. BfiVKR. Then why take the trouble? Sir THOMAS. Myfondnefs for letters, and love of my country. Betides, dear Dick, though the pauci & feleBi; the chofen few, know the full value of a performance like this, yet the ignorant, the profane, (by much the majority,) will be apt to think it an occupa- tion ill-fuited to my time of life. BEVER. Their cenfure is praife. Sir THOMAS. Doubtlefs. But, indeed, my principal motive is my friendmip for you. You are now a candidate for literary honours, and I am determin'd to fix your fame on an immoveable bafis. BEVER. You are moft exceflively kind ; but there is fomething fo difingenuous in dealing reputation from another man Sir THOMAS. Idle punctilio ! BEVER. It puts me fo in mind of the daw in the fable- Sir THOMAS. Come, come, dear Dick, I won't fuffer your modefty to murder your fame. But the com- pany will fufpedl fomething ; we will join them, and proclaim you the author. There, keep the copy; to you I confign it for ever; it (hall be a fecret to lateft polterity. You will be fmother'd with praife by our friends; they (hall all in their bark to the playhoufe, and there Attendant fail, Purfue the triumph, and partake the gale. END OF THE SECOND ACT. THE PATRON. 49 ACT III. ?CENE CONTINUES. Enter Sever Reading. uO ends the firft adl. Come, now for the fecond. " A6t the fecond, fhewing" the coxcomb has prefaced every ad with an argument too, in humble imitation, I warrant, of Monf. Diderot " mewing the fatal effects of difobedience to parents;" with, I fuppofe, the diverting fcene of a gibbet; an entertaining fubjecl: for comedy. And the blockhead is as prolix every fcene as long as a homily. Let's fee ; how does this end ? " Exit Crufoe, and enter fome favages, dancing a faraband." There's no bearing this abominable trafh. \Enter Juliet. ~] So, Madam ; thanks to your advice and direction, I am got into a fine fituation. JULIET. What is the matter now, Mr. Bever? BEVER. The Robinfon Crufoe. JULIET. . Oh, the play that is to be acled to-night. How fecret you were ? Who in the world would have guefs'd you was the author ? BEVER; Me, Madam ! JULIET. Your title is odd; but to a genius every fubjeCt is good. BEVER. You are inclined to be pleafant. JULIET. Within they have been all prodigious loud in the praife of your piece; but I think, my uncle rather more eager than any. D BfiVER. 5<* THE PAlRON. BEVER. He has reafon ; for fatherly fondnefs goes far, IULIET. I don't underftand you. BEVER. You don't! JULIET. No. BEVER. Nay, Juliet, this is too much ; you know it is none of my play. JULIET. Whofe then? BEVER. Your uncle's. JULIET. My uncle's ! then how, in the name of wonder, came you to adopt it ? BEVER. At his earned requeft. I may be a foolj but remember, Madam, you are the caufe. JULIET. This is ftrange ; but I can't conceive what his motive could be. BEVER. His m6tive is obvious enough ; to fcreen hirii- felf from the infamy of being the author. JULIET. What, is it bad, then ? BEVER. Bad! moft infernal! JULIET. And you have confented to own it? SEVER. Why, what could I do? he in a manner com- pellti me. JULIET. I am extremely glad of it. BEVER. THE PATRON. ^ 51 BEVER. Glad of it ! why, I tell you, 'tis the moft dull, tedious, melancholy JULIET. So much the better. BEVER. The moft flat piece of frippery that ever Grub- ftreet produced. JULIET, So much the better. BEVER. It will be damn'd before the third act. JULIET. So much the better. BEVER. And I mail be hooted and pointed at where- ever I go. JULIET. So much the better. BEVER. So much the better ! zounds ! fo, I fuppofc, you would fay if I was going to be hang'd. Do you call this a mark of you friendfhip? JULIET. Ah, Bever, Bever ! you are a miferable poli- tician. Do you know, now, that this is the luckieft incident that everoccurr'd? BEVER. Indeed ! JULIET. It could not have been better laid, had we planned it ourfelves. BEVER. You will pardon my want of conception: but thefe are riddles JULIET. That at prefent 1 have not time to explain. But what makes you loit'ring here? Pafl fix o'clock, as I live! Why, your play is begun ; run, D 2 run, 52 THfi PATRON. run, to the houfe. Was ever author fo little anxious for the fate of his piece ? BEVER. My piece ! JULIET. Sir Thomas ! I know by his walk. Fly, and pray all the way for the fall of your play. And, do you hear, if you find the audience too indulgent, inclined to be milky,, rather than fail, fqueeze in a little acid yourfelf. Oh, Mr. Bever, at your re- turn let me fee you, before you go to my uncle; that is, if you have the good luck to be damn r d. BEVER. . You need not doubt that. Exit. Enter Sir Thomas Lofty. Sir THOMAS. So, Juliet j was not thai Mr. Bever ? JULIET. Yes, Sir. Sir THOMAS. He is rather tardy; by this time his caufe is come on. And how is the young gentleman af- fected? for this is a trying occafion. JULIET. He feems pretty certain, Sir. Sir THOMAS. Indeed, I think he has very little reafon to fear : I confefs I admire the piece * and feel as much for it's fate as if the work was my own. ' JULIET. That I moft fincerely believe. I wonder, Sir, you did not choofe to be prefent. Sir THOMAS. Better not. My affections are ftrong, Juliet, and my nerves but tenderly ftrung ; however, in- telligent people are planted, who will bring me every acj a faithful account of theprocefs. JU-LIET. THE PATRON. '$3 JULIET. That willanfwer yourpurpofe as welF. Sir THOMAS. Indeed, I am paffionately fond of the arts, and therefore can't help did not fomebody knock? no. My good girl, will you ftep, and take care that when any body comes the fervants may not be out of the way. [Exit Juliet.} Five and thirty minutes paft fix ; by this time the firft at muft be over : John will be prefently here. I think it can't fail ; yet there is fo much whim and caprice in the public opinion, that This young man is un- known ; they'll give him no credit. I had better have own'd it myfelf: Reputation goes a 'great way in thefe matters : people are afraid to find fault ; they are cautious in cenfuringthe works of a man who hufh! that's 'he: no ; 'tis only the mutters.. After all, I think 1 have chofe the beft way : for, if it fucceeds to the degree I expect, it will be eafytocirculate the real nameof theauthor; if it fails, I am concealed, my fame fuffers no There he is. [Loud knocking.^ I can't conceive what kept him fo long. [Enter John.'], So, John ; well ; and but you have been a monltrous while. JOHN. Sir, I was wedged fo clofe in the pit that I could fcarcely get out. Sir THOMAS. The houfe was full then? JOHN. As an egg, Sir. Sir THOMAS. That's right. Well John, and did matters go fwimmingly? hey? JOHN. Exceedingly well, Sir. Sir THOMAS. Exceedingly well. I don't doubt it. What, vaft clapping and roars of applaufc, I fuppoie. D 3 JOHN. 54 T HE PATRON. JOHN* Very well, Sir. Sir THOMAS. Very well, Sir! You aredamn'deoftive, I think. But did not the pit and boxes thunder again? JOHN. I can't fay there was over much thunder. Sir THOMAS. No ! Oh, attentive, 1 reckon. Ay, attention ! that is the true, folid, fubftantial applaufe. All elfe may be purchafed ; hands move as they are bid : but when the audience is hufhed ftill, afraid 6f lofmg a word, then JOHN. Yes, they wtre very quiet indeed, Sir. Sir THOMAS. I like them the better, John ; a ftrong mark of their great fenfibility. Did you fee Robin ? JOHN. Yes, Sir; he'll b>e here in a trice ; I left him lift'ning at the back of the boxes, and charged him to make all the hafte home that he could. Sir THOMAS. That's right, John; very well; your account pleafes me much, honed John. [ Exit John.'] No, I did not expect the firft act would produce any prodigious effect. And, after all, the firft act is but a mere introduction; juft opens the bufmefs, the plot, and gives a little infight into the cha- racters: fo that if you but engage and intereft the houfe, it is as much as the beft writer can flatt [knocking without] Gadfo ! what, Robin already ! why the fellow has the feet of a Mercury. [Enter Robing] Well, Robin, and what news do you bring? ROBIN. Sir, I, I, I, Sir THOMAS. Stop, Robin, and recover your breath. Now, Robin. ROBIN* THE PATRON. 55 ROBIN. There has been a woundy uproar below. Sir THOMAS. An uproar! what, at the playhoufe ? ROBIN. Ay, Sir THOMAS. At what ? ROBIN. I don't know : belike at the words the play-folk were talking. Sir THOMAS. At the players ! how can that be ? Oh, now I begin to conceive. Poor fellow, he knows but little of plays. What^ Robin, I fuppofe, hallow- ing, and clapping, and knocking of flicks? ROBIN. Hallowing ! ay, and hooting too. Sir THOMAS. And hooting! ROBIN. Ay, and ruffing to boot. Sir THOMAS. Hifling ! you muft be miftaken. ROBIN. By the mafs, but I am not. Sir THOMAS. Impoflible ! Oh, molt likely fome drunken, diforderly fellows, that were difturbing the houfe and interrupting the play ; too common a cafe ; the people were right: they deferv'd a rebuke. Did not you hear them cry, Out, out, out ? ROBIN 1 . Noa ; that was not the cry ; 'twas Off, off, off! Sir THOMAS. That was a whimfiral noife. Zounds ! that muft be the players. Did you obferve nothing elfe ? D 4 , .56 THE PATRON. , , ROBIN. Belike the quarrel .firft began between the gentry and a black-a-moor man. Sir THOMAS. With Friday ! The public tafte is debauched ; honed nature is too plain and fimple for their vitiated palates! [Enttr Jn //>/.] Juliet, Robin brings me the ftrangeft account ; fome little dif- turbance; but I fuppofe it was foon fettled again. Oh, but here comes Mr. Staytape, my .taylor ; he is a rational being ; we (hall be able to make fome- thing of him. [Enter $iaytape.~\ So, Staytape; what, is the third act over already ? - STAYTAPE. Over, Sir! no; nor never will be. Sir THOMAS. What do you mean ? STAYTAPE. Cut fhort. Sir THOMAS. I don't comprehend you. STAYTAPE. Why, Sir, the poet has made a miftake in meafuring the tafte of the town; the goods, it feems, did not fit; fo they returned them upon the gentleman's hands. sir THOMAS: Rot your affectation and quaintnefs, you puppr r fpeak plain. STAYTAPE. Why, then, Sir, Robinfon Grufoe is dea.d. Sir THOMAS. Dead ! STAYTAPK. Ay; and, whatisworfe, will never rife any more. You will foon have all the particulars; for there were four or five of your friends clofe at my heels. Sir THOMAS. THE PATRON. $7 Sir THOMAS. Staytape, Juliet, run and flop them; fay I am gone out; I am fick; I am engaged: -but, what- ever you do, be fure you don't let Bevercome in. Secure of the victory, I invited them to the celebr STAYTAPE. Sir, they are here. Sir THOMAS. Confound Enter Puff. Daffyl, and Rujl. RUST. A, truly, Mr. Puff, this is but a bitter be- ginning; then the young man muft turn himfelf to fome other trade. PUFF. Servant, Sir Thomas ; I fuppofe you have heard the news of- Sir THOMAS. Yes, yes ; I have been told it before. DACTYL. I confefs, I did not fufpeci it; but there is no knowing what effecT: thefe things will have till they come on the ftagc. RUST. For my part, I don't know much of thefe rnat- ters; but a couple of gentlemen near me, who feem'd fagacious enough too, declared that it was the vilefl 'fluff they ever had heard, and wondered the players would act. it. DACTYL. Y-Arl don't remember to have feen a more general diflike. PUFF. I was thinking to afk you, Sir Thomas, foryour intereft with Mr. Bever about buying the copy: but now no mortal would read it. Lord, Sir, it would not pay for paper and print. RUST. 5 THE PATRQJ*. RUST. I remember Kennel, in his Roman Antiquities, mentions a play of Terence's, Mr. Dactyl, that "was terribly treated; but that he attributes to the people's fondncfs for certain funatnbuli, or rope- dancers; but I have not lately heard of any fa- mous tumblers in town : Sir Thomas, have you ? Sir THOMAS. How (hould I ; do you fuppofe I trouble my head about tumblers ? RUST. Nay, I did not BEVER, fpeak'ng .-without. - $?ot to be fpoke with! Don't tell me, Sir; he muft, he mall. Sir -THOMAS. : Mr^ Bever's voice. If he is admitted in his prefent difpofition, the whole fecret will certainly out. Gentlemen, fome affairs of a mod intereft- ing nature makes it impofiible for cne to have the honour of your company to-night; therefore I beg you would be fo good as to RUST. Affairs ! no bad news? I hope Mifs Juleis well. Sir THOMAS. Very well; but I am moft exceedingly RUST. I (hall only juft ftay to fee Mr. Bever. Poor lad! he will be moft horribly down in the mouth : a little comfort won't come amifs. Sir THOMAS. Mr. Bever, Sir! you won't fee him here. RUST. Not here ! why I thought I heard his voice but juft .now. Sir THOMAS. y*>u are miftaken Mr. Rutf; but .RUST. THE PATKONT. 59 RUST. May be fo j then we will go. Sir Thomas, my compliments of condolence, if you pleafe, to the poet. Sir THOMAS. Ay, ay. DACTYL. And mine; for I fuppofe we fha'n't fee him foon. PUFF. Poor gentleman ! I warrant he won't {hew his head for thefe fix months. RUST. Ay, ay: indeed, I am very forry for him j fo tell him, Sir. DACTYL and PUFF. So are we. "RUST. Sir Thomas, your fervant. Come, Crentlemen. By all this confufion in Sir Thomas, there muft be fomething more in the wind than 1 know; but I will watch, I am refolved. Etceunt. BEVER, 'without. Rafcals, (land by ! I muft, I will fee him. Eattr BEVER. So, Sir; rhis is delicate treatment, after all I have fuffered. Sir THOMAS. Mr. Bever, I hope you don't that is BEVER. Well, Sir Thomas Lofty, what think you now of your Robinfon Crufoe ? a pretty performance ! Sir THOMAS. Think, Mr. Bever! I think the public are blockheads; a taftelefs, a ftupid, ignorant tribe; and a man of geni|us deferves to be damn'd who writes any thing for them. But courage, dear Dick! the principals will give you what the peo- pk TWE PATRON: pie refufe ; the clofet wilf do you that juftice.the 'ftage'hVs denied: print' your play. BEVER. My play ! zoundsj Sir, 'tis your own. Sir THOMAS. Speak lower, deaj Dick; be moderate, 'my .good.-deariad! Oh, Sir Thomas,.. you may be eafy enough; you are fafe and fecure, removed far from that precipice that has daflied me to pieces. Sir THOMAS. , - Ij}ear Dick, don't believe it will hurt you. The critics, the real judges, will difcover in that piece fuch excellent talents " BEVER. No, Sir Thomas, qo.;;