UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 AT LOS ANGELES
 
 UNIVERSITY of CALIFORNIA 
 
 AT 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 LIBRARY
 

 
 THE, 
 
 DRAMATIC WORKS 
 
 O F 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq ; 
 
 TO WHICH IS PREFIXED 
 
 A LIFE OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 In TWO VOLUMES. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 TASTE. tf The MAYOR of GARRAT. 
 
 The ENGLISHMAN at PARIS. The ORATORS. 
 The AUTHOR. The MINOR. 
 
 The ENGLISH MAN returned The LYAR. 
 
 from PARIS. AND 
 
 The KNIGHTS, U The PATRON. 
 
 
 LONDON: 
 PRINTED FOR W. LOWNDES AN S. B L A D O N. 
 
 Price bound Fifteen Shillings. 
 
 -f 3 A { } ? r * 
 J. D ;* U 6 <i>

 
 "FT? 
 
 THE 
 V'l 
 
 L I F E 
 
 O F 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq. 
 
 THIS ingenious comic writer was born at 
 Truro in Cornwall, but at what period of 
 time we cannot take upon ourfelves to fay. flis 
 father, John Foote, was member of parliament 
 for Tiverton in Devonfhire, and enjoyed the 
 potts of commiffioner of the prize-office and fine- 
 contra6l. His mother was heirefs of the Dinely 
 and Goodere families. The dreadful confe- 
 quence of the mifunderftanding between her two 
 brothers, Sir John Dinely Goodere, bart. and 
 Samuel Goodere, efq. captain of his majefty's 
 fhip the Ruby, is well known ; on which a con- 
 (iderable part of the Goodere eftate, which was 
 better than fifty thoufand pounds per annum, 
 defcended to Mr. Foote, her hufband. 
 
 Our author was educated at Worceftcr col- 
 lege, in the univerfity of Oxford, which owed 
 its foundation to Sir Tkomas Cockcs Winford, 
 Bart, a fecond coufin of our author. On his 
 quitting the univerfity, he comnaenced ftudent 
 B o/
 
 2 THE LIFE OF 
 
 of law in the Temple ; but, as the dullnefs and 
 gravity of this fludy did not fuit the volatile 
 vivacity of his temper and genius, he foon 
 quitted it. 
 
 He married a young lady of a good family 
 and fome fortune ; but, their tempers being very 
 oppofite to each other, a perfeft harmony did 
 not long fubfift between them. He now launched 
 ijito all the fafhionable foibles of the age, gaming 
 not excepted, and in a few years fpent his whole 
 fortune. As he had long taken a difguft to the 
 ftudy of the law, he was obliged to have recourfe 
 to the ftage, and made his firil appearance in the 
 character of Othello, but with no great fuccefs. 
 He afterwards performed Fondlewife, in which 
 he fucceeded much better ; and, indeed, it was 
 one of his favourite chara&ers ever after. He 
 Fiext attempted Lord Foppington, but he liflened 
 to the advice of his friends, and prudently gave 
 it up. As Mr. Foote was never a capital attor 
 in the plays of others, his falary of courfe could 
 not be equal to his gay and extravagant mode of 
 living : he at laft contrafted ib many debts, that 
 he was obliged to take refuge in the verge of the 
 court, to fecure himfelf from the refentmont of 
 his creditors. 
 
 A very laughable flratagem'. at length relieved 
 him from his neceflities. Si.r Francis Delaval 
 
 had
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 3 
 
 had long been his intimate friend, and had dif- 
 fjpated his fortune by fimilar extravagance. A 
 rich lady, an intimate acquaintance of Foote, was 
 fortunately at that time bent upon a matrimonial 
 fcheme. Foote ftrongly recommended to her to 
 confult, on this momentous affair, the conjuror ia 
 the Old Bailey, whom he reprefented as a man 
 of furiprfmg {kill and penetration. He employed 
 an acquaintance of his own to perfonate the con- 
 juror, who depicted Sir Francis Delaval at full 
 length, defcribed the time when, the place where, 
 and the drefs in which {he fhould fee him. The 
 lady was fo (truck with the coincidence of every 
 circumftance, that fhe married the knight in a 
 few days after. For this fervice Sir Francis 
 fettled an annuity upon Foote, which enabled 
 him once more to appear upon the bufy ftage 
 of life. 
 
 Mr. Foote now affuming the double character 
 of author and performer, in 1747 opened his 
 Little Theatre in the Haymarket, with a dra- 
 matic piece of his own writing, called The Diver- 
 fions of the Morning. This piece confided of 
 nothing more than the introduction of feveral 
 well-known characters in real life, \vhofe man^ 
 ner of converfation and expreffion our author 
 had very happily hit off in the diclion of his 
 drama, and (till more happily reprefented on the 
 B 2
 
 4 THE LIFE OF 
 
 ftage, by an exa6l and moft amazing imitation, 
 not only of the manner and tone of voice, but even 
 of the very perfons, whom he intended to take off. 
 Among thefe characters there was in particular a 
 certain phyfician, who was much better known 
 from the oddity and fingularity of his appear- 
 ance and converfation, than from his eminence 
 in the practice of his profeffion. The celebrated 
 Chevalier Taylor, the oculift, who was at that 
 time in the height of his vogue and popularity, 
 was alfo another object, and indeed defervedly 
 fo, of 'Mr. Foote's mimicry and ridicule. In 
 the latter part of this piece, under the character 
 of a theatrical director, our author took off, with 
 great humour and accuracy, the federal ftiles of 
 afting of every principal performer on the Eng- 
 lifh ftage. 
 
 Among thofe players, with whom Mr. Foote 
 made free/ was the facetious Harry Woodward, 
 who returned the compliment in a little piece, 
 called Tit for Tat, of which the following was 
 the beginning : 
 
 " Cail'd forth to battle, fee poor I appear, 
 " To try one fall with this fam'd auctioneer." 
 
 In the very fame piece Mr. Woodward, in the 
 character of Foote, fays, 
 
 " But when I play'd Othello, thoufands fwore 
 * { They never h\v fab tragedy before." 
 
 The
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 5 
 
 The Diverfions of the Morning at firft met with 
 fome little oppofition from the civil magiftrates 
 of Weftminfter, under the fan&ion of the a& 
 of parliament for limiting the number of play- 
 houfes ; but our author being patronifed by many 
 of the principal nobility and gentry, the oppofi- 
 tion was over-ruled ; and, after altering the 
 title to that of Giving Tea, he proceeded without 
 farther moleftation, reprefenting it through a 
 run of upwards of forty mornings to crowded 
 and fplendid audiences. 
 
 The enfuing feafon he produced another piece 
 of the fame kind, which he called An AuBion of 
 Pictures. In this he introduced new and popu- 
 lar characters, all well known, particularly Sir 
 Thomas de Veil, then the a&ingjuftice of peace 
 for Weftminfter ; alfo Mr. Cock, the celebrated 
 auciioneer, and the equally famous orator Hen- 
 ley. This piece was alfo well received by the 
 public. 
 
 Notwithftanding the favourable reception thefe 
 pieces met with, they have never yet appeared 
 in print, nor would they perhaps give any great 
 pleafure in the perufal; for, confiding princi- 
 pally of characters, whofe peculiar fingularities 
 could never be perfectly reprefented in black 
 and white, they might probably appear flat and 
 infipid, when divefted of the ftrong colourings 
 
 which
 
 6 THE LIFE OF 
 
 which Mr. Foote had given them in his perfo- 
 nal reprefentations. It may not be improper 
 here to obferve, that he himfelf reprefented all 
 the principal characters in fach piece, which 
 flood in need of his mimic powers to execute, 
 fhifting from one to the other with all the dex- 
 terity of a Proteus, to the wonder and aftonifh- 
 ment of his genteel and numerous auditors. 
 
 However, he now proceeded to write pieces 
 with more dramatic accuracy and regularity, 
 his Knights being the produce of an enfuing 
 feafon; yet in this alfo, though his plot and 
 characters feemed lefs immediately perfonal, it 
 was apparent, that he kept fome particular real 
 perfonages ftrongly in his eye in the perform- 
 ance, and the town took on themfelves to fix 
 them where the refemblance appeared to be the 
 moft finking. 
 
 Mr. Foote continued from time to time to 
 entertain the public, by fele&ing for their ufe 
 fuch characters, as well general as individual, 
 as feemed moft likely to contribute to the ex- 
 citing our laughter, and befl anfwer the princi- 
 pal end of dramatic writings of the comic kind, 
 fuch as relax the mind from the fatigue of bufi- 
 r\efs or anxiety. 
 
 The
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 7 
 
 The following is a catalogue of his perform- 
 
 ances. 
 
 i. Tafte, a comedy of two afts, afted at 
 Drury-Lane, 8vo. 1752. This piece and its 
 profits were given by its author to Mr. Worfdale 
 the painter, who acled the part of Lady Pen- 
 fveazle in it with great applaufe. The general 
 intention of it is, to point out the numerous im- 
 pofitions that perfons of fortune and fafhion 
 daily faffer in the purfuit of what is called tafte, 
 or a love of Vertu, from the tricks and confede- 
 racies of painters, auctioneers, medal dealers, 
 &.c. and to fhew the abfurdity of placing an 
 ineftimable value on, and giving immenfe prices 
 for a parcel of maimed bufts, crazed pictures, 
 and inexplicable coins, only becaufe they have 
 the mere name and appearance of antiquity, 
 while the more perfect and really valuable per- 
 formances of the moft capital artifls of our own 
 age and country, if known to be fuch, are totally 
 defpifed and negle&ed, and the artitts themfelves 
 fufFered to pafs through life unnoticed and dif- 
 couraged. Thefe points our author has in this 
 farce fet forth in a very juft, and at the fame time 
 in a very humorous light; but whether the gene- 
 rality of the audience did not relifli, or perhaps 
 did not underftand this reiined fatire, or that, 
 underftanding it ? they were fo wedded to the 
 
 infatuation
 
 8 THE LIFE OF' 
 
 infatuation of being impofed upon, that they 
 were unwilling to fubfcribe to the juftice of it,, 
 are points we cannot determine ; but it met 
 with fome oppofition for a night or two, and 
 during the whole run of it, which was not a 
 long one, it found at beft but a cold and dif- 
 tafteful reception. 
 
 2. The Englifn man in Paris, a comedy of two 
 afts, 8vo. 1753, performed at Covent- Garden 
 theatre. This piece met with great fuccefs ; its 
 iirft appearance was for Macklin's benefit, when 
 that performer afted the part of Buck, and 
 Mifs Macklin Lucinda, which feemed written 
 entirely, to give her an opportunity of difplay- 
 ing her various qualifications of mufic, finging, 
 and dancing, in all which fhe obtained univerfal 
 applaufe. The author himfelf afterwards re- 
 peatedly performed the part of Buck ; yet it is 
 difficult to fay, which of the two did the cha- 
 racter the greateit juftice. This piece feems 
 defigned to expofe the abfurdity of fending our 
 youth abroad, to catch the vices and follies of 
 our neigbouring nations ; yet there is fomewhat 
 of an inconfiftency in the portrait of the Eng- 
 IHhinan, that fcarcely renders the execution 
 anfwerable to the intention. This little comedy 
 was imagined to be a-burlcfqueon M. de BoinVs 
 Franpis a Londres.. On a cqmparifon. however. 
 
 there
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 9 
 
 there does not appear to be the flighted re- 
 femblance. 
 
 3. The Knights, a comedy of two afts, 8vo. 
 1 754- This piece made its firft appearance at 
 the Little Theatre in the Haymarket, about the 
 year 1747, and at that time terminated with a 
 droll concert of vocal mufic between two cats, 
 in burlefque of the Italian comic operas. As 
 this, however, was only temporary, the author, 
 to adapt it more properly to dramatic tafte, and 
 render it a more perfect farce, has wound up a 
 conclufion for it, which however, even as it now 
 flands, is fcarcely fo conclufive or fo natural as 
 it could be wifhed ; but this fault is amply made 
 amends for by its poffefling, in the higheft degree, 
 a much more eflential excellence of comedy, 
 Avhich is great ftrength of character, and the moft 
 accurate and lively colouring of nature. His two 
 knights. Sir Penurious Trifle, and Sir Gregory Ga- 
 zette, the firft of which has the ftrongeft paffion for 
 perpetually entertaining his friends with a parcel 
 of ftale, trite, infignificant (lories, and the latter, 
 who is pofTeffed with a moft infatiable thirft for 
 news, without even capacity fufficient to com- 
 prehend the full meaning of the moft familiar 
 paragraph in a public journal, are very ftrongly 
 painted. The firft of them received additional 
 life from the admirable execution of the author 
 C in
 
 io THE L I FE OF 
 
 in his reprefentation of the character, in which 
 indeed it has been reported, that he mimicked 
 the manners of a certain gentleman in the weft 
 of England ; and the other feems to have af- 
 forded a hint to Mr. Murphy in his Upholfterer, 
 to expatiate ftill more largely on this extravagant 
 and abfurd kind of folly. His other characters 
 Tim and Mifs Suck, with the fcene of court- 
 fhip introduced between them, though not ab- 
 folutely new in the firft conception, yet are 
 managed after a new manner, and always give 
 great entertainment in their reprefentation. It 
 was afterwards acied at Drury-Lane. 
 
 4. The Englifhman returned from Paris, a 
 comedy of two ads, 8vp. 1756. Aied at 
 Covent- Garden. This is a fequel to The Englifh- 
 man in Paris, wherein the Englifhman, who be- 
 fore was a brute, is now become a coxcomb ; 
 from being abfurdly averfe to every thing 
 foreign, he is grown into a deteftation of every 
 thing domeftic ; and rejects the very woman, 
 now poflefled of every advantage, whom he be- 
 fore was rufhing headlong into marriage with, 
 when deilitute of any. This piece is much 
 more dramatic and complete than the other, and 
 has a greater variety of characlers in it, two 
 more efpecially, Crab and Macruthen, which 
 are finely drawn ; but the circumllance of the 
 
 catailrophe
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 11 
 
 cataftrophe being brought about by Lucinda's 
 pretending to have poifoned Sir John Buck 
 in a difh of tea, is taken from Mrs. Centlivre's 
 
 Artifice. 
 
 5. The. Author, a comedy of two als, 8vo. J 
 1757. Acled at Drury-Lane. This piece was 
 written only for the fake of affording to the 
 writer of it an opportunity of exerting his talents 
 of mimickry, at the expence of a gentleman of 
 family and fortune, Mr. Aprice, whofe parti- 
 cularities of character, although entirely inof- 
 fenfive, were rendered the butt of public ridicule 
 in the part of Cadwallader. The eager fond- 
 nefs which the world ever fhew to perfonal 
 flander, added to the inimitable humour of this 
 writer and performer in the reprefentation, for 
 fome time, brought crowded houfes to it ; till ar 
 length the refemblance appearing too flrong, and 
 the ridicule too pungent, not to be feen and 
 felt by the gentleman thus pointed out, occa- 
 fioned an application for the fuppreffion of the 
 piece, which was therefore forbidden to be any 
 more performed. 
 
 6. The Diverfions of the Morning, a farce, 
 a$ed at Drury-Lane in 1768, but not printed. 
 This was partly compiled from Tajle and Mr. 
 Whitehead's fatal Conjlancy. 
 
 C 2 7. Th*
 
 12 THE LIFE OF 
 
 7. The Minor, a comedy of three als, 8vo. 
 1760. This piece was firft reprefented in the 
 fummer feafon, at the Little Theatre in the 
 Haymarkct ; and though it was performed by an 
 entirely young and unexperienced company, 
 it brought full houfes for thirty-eight nights in 
 that time of the year. As the principal merit 
 of all our anthor's writings contifts in the draw- 
 ing o peculiar characters well known in real life, 
 which he heightened by his own manner of per- 
 fonating the originals on the ftage, it will be 
 neceffary to inform pofterity, that in the cha- 
 racters of Mrs. Cole and Mr. Smirk, the author 
 reprefented thofe of the celebrated Mother 
 Douglas, and Mr. Langford, the auctioneer ; 
 and that in the conclufion, or rather epilogue to 
 the piece, fpoken by Shift, which the author 
 performed together with the other two charaBera, 
 he took off, to a great degree of exa&nefs, the 
 manner and even perfon of that noted preacher, 
 and chief of the Methodifts, Mr. George White- 
 field. Indeed, fo happy was the fuccefs of this 
 piece, in one refpecl, that it feemed more effec- 
 tually to open our eyes, thofe of the populace 
 efpecially, in regard to the abfurdities of that fet 
 of enthufiafts, than all the more ferious writings 
 that had ever been publifhed againfl them. 
 
 8. The
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE. ESQ. 13 
 
 8, The Lyar, a comedy of three afts, 8vo. 1764. 
 This comedy was originally intended to have 
 been performed during the lummer partnerfhip 
 between Mr. Murphy and the author ; but the 
 run of thofe pieces they had before brought on, 
 and the unexpected neceffity of playing the 
 Wijlies, having exhaufted the time limitted for 
 their reprefentation, this was obliged to be de- 
 ferred till the enfuing winter, when it was repre- 
 fented, for the firft time, at the theatre in Co-* 
 vent-Garden. Its fuccefs was very indifferent; 
 and indeed it muft be confeffed, that it was in 
 itfelf far from equal to the generality of our 
 author's works. Though there were here and 
 there fome ftrokes of humour in it, which were 
 not unworthy of their author, and fome few 
 touches of temporary fatire, yet the character 
 of the Lyar had certainly neither native origi- 
 nality enough in it to pleafe as a novelty, nor 
 additional beauties fufficient either in his drefs 
 or demeanour, to excite a frefh attention to him 
 as a new acquaintance. In fhort, on the whole., 
 it was rather tedious and unentertaining, having 
 neither enough of the vis comica to keep up the 
 attention of an audience through fo many acts 
 as a farce, nor a fufficiency of incident and fcn- 
 timent to engage their hearts, if confidered 
 under the denomination of a comedy, yet it has 
 iince been often afled as a farce. 
 
 C 3 9. The
 
 14 THE LIFE OF 
 
 9. The Orators, a comedy of three als, 8vo. 
 1762. This piece,, which met with very good 
 fuccefs, was performed at the Little Theatre in 
 the Haymarket, in the middle of the day, during 
 fome part of the fummer of 1762. Our author 
 has thrown into the defign of this piece a great 
 variety of characters, fome of which have been 
 fuppofed to be drawn from real life, particularly 
 one of a late printer of Ireland, who, with all 
 the difadvantages of age, pcrfon, and addrefs, 
 and even the deficiency of a leg, was perpetually 
 giving himfelf airs of the greateft importance, 
 continually repeating ftories of his wit, and boaft- 
 ing of being a favourite of the fair fex. Such a 
 character is furely a genuine objet of ridicule, 
 and the ftage feems to demand it as a facrifice at 
 the flirine of common fenfe. 
 
 10. The Mayor of Garrat, a comedy of two 
 afts, performed at the theatre in the Haymarket 
 in 1763, and printed in 8vo. in 1769. In this 
 very humorous and entertaining piece, the cha- 
 rafter of Major Sturgeon, a city militia officer, 
 is entirely new, highly wrought up, and was 
 performed in a moft capital ftile by Mr. Foote 
 himfelf. 
 
 1 1 . The Patron, a comedy of three ats, per- 
 formed at the Haymarket in 1764. The hint is 
 
 borrowed
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 15 
 
 borrowed from one of Marmontel's Tales. The 
 character of the Patron, faid to be Lord Mel- 
 combe, is that of a fuperficial pretender to wit 
 and learning, who, being a man of fafhion and 
 fortune, affords his countenance and protection 
 to a fet of contemptible writings, for the fake of 
 the incenfe offered by them to his vanity. The 
 character of a mere antiquarian, a favourite ob- 
 ject of ridicule with Mr. Foote, is here intro- 
 duced with great pleafantry, Mr. Ruft having 
 fallen in love with a fine young lady, becaufe he 
 thought the tip of her ear refembled the Princefs 
 Popoea. Sir Peter Pepperpot, a rich Weft India 
 merchant, comes in likewife, with his account of 
 barbecues and turtle feafls ; and amiferable poet, 
 with a low Moorfields bookfeller, ferve to com- 
 plete the entertainment. 
 
 12. The Commiffhiy, a comedy, a&ed with 
 great fuccefs, at the Haymarket in 1765. Among 
 other real characters drawn from life, the late 
 celebrated Dr. Arne was ridiculed in this comedy. 
 
 13. Prelude on opening the Theatre, 1767. 
 
 14. The Devil upon two Sticks, a comedy, afted 
 at the Haymarket in 1768, printed in 8vo. in 
 1778. This was one of the moft fuccefsful of 
 our author's performances; but though it abounds 
 with wit, humour, and fatire of the moft pleifant 
 
 C 4 aad
 
 16 THE LIFE OF 
 
 and inoffenfive kind, yet it feems to have loft its 
 exigence with its parent. 
 
 15. The Lame lover, a comedy, acled at the 
 JIaymarket in 1770. Though this piece Was by 
 uo means inferior to any other of his writing, 
 yet it did not meet with the deferved fuccefs. 
 Sir Luke Limp, the Serjeant, and his fon, are 
 admirably drawn characters. 
 
 16. The Maid cf Bath, a comedy, a&ed at the 
 Hayrnarket in 1771, and printed in 8vo. in 1778. 
 The ground-work of this very interefting per- 
 formance is taken from a tranfaclion which 
 happened at Bath, in which a perfon of for- 
 tune was faid to have treated a young lady 
 celebrated for her mufical talents in a very un- 
 generous manner. The delinquent is here helcj 
 up to ridicule under the name of Hint, and it 
 will be difficult to point out a character drawn 
 with more truth and accuracy than this, efpe- 
 cially in the fecond at. The parts of Lady Ca- 
 therine Coldftream, Sir Chriftopher Cripple, and 
 Billy Button, are all highly finilhed, and render 
 this piece one of the rnoft pleafmg of all our 
 author wrote. 
 
 1 7. The Nabob, a comedy, a&ed at the Hay- 
 market in 1772, and printed in 8vo. in 1778. 
 This piece is a fevere fatire on the greater part 
 
 of
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 17 
 
 of thofe gentlemen who have acquired wealth in 
 t4oe Eaft Indies. At the time this play was pro- 
 duced, a general odium had been excited againft 
 the members of the Eaft India company, which 
 was kept alive by every art that virulence and 
 party could fuggeft. Mr. Foote, ever attentive 
 to avail himfelf of popular fubjects, feized the 
 prefent occafion to entertain the town at the ex- 
 expence of fome individuals. The character of 
 Sir Matthew Mite was intended for a gentleman 
 who had rifen from the low fituation of a cheefe- 
 
 1 8. Piety in Pattens, a farce, afted at the theatre 
 in the Haymarket in 1773 ; but never printed. 
 
 19. The Bankrupt, aled at the Haymarket in 
 1776. This piece, like moft others written by 
 our author, contains little elfe than detached 
 fcenes without any plot. It exhibits, however, 
 fome ftrong delineations of character, and is by 
 no means a bad performance. 
 
 20. The Cozeners, a comedy of three afts, acted 
 at the Haymarket in 1774, and printed in 8vo. 
 in 1778. The character of Simony in this piece 
 was deligned as a vehicle for fatire on the late 
 Dr. Dodd. It may be obferved, as fome apology 
 for pur author's ftage ridicule, that he rarely 
 
 pointed
 
 i8 THE LIFE OF 
 
 pointed it at any perfons who met with public 
 refpeft, or deferved to meet with it. 
 
 21 . The Capuchin, a comedy, afted at the Hay- 
 market in 1776, and printed in 8vo. in 1778. 
 
 22. A Trip to Calais,, a comedy, intended for 
 reprefentation in 1776, at the Haymarket; but 
 containing a characler defigned for a lady of 
 quality, me had intereft enough to prevent its 
 obtaining a licence. 
 
 ' Mr. Foote, after having written thefe pieces, 
 fuffered his name to be put to a work, entitled, 
 The Comic Theatre, in five volumes, I2mo. 
 being a tranflation of a number of French co- 
 medies. Of thefe, however, we are affured, the 
 iirfl only, The Young Hypocrite, is to be at- 
 tributed to him. 
 
 ^11 Mr. Foote's works are to be ranked only 
 among the petites pieces of the theatre. In the 
 execution they are fomewhat loofe, negligent, 
 and unfinifhed; the plans are often irregular, 
 and the cataflrophes not always cOnclufive ; but, 
 with all thefe deficiencies, they contain more 
 flrength of character, more flrokcs of keen fatire, 
 and more touches of temporary humour, than 
 are to be found in the writings of any other mo- 
 tfern dramatifl. Even the language fpoken by 
 
 his
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 19 
 
 his characters, incorrect as it may fometimes 
 appear, will, on a clofe examination, be found 
 entirely dramatical, as it abounds with thofe 
 natural minutiae of expreflion, which frequently 
 form the very bafis of character, and which ren- 
 der it the trueft mirror of the converfation of the 
 times in which he wrote and publifhed them. 
 
 Being on a party of pleafure, in the year 1766, 
 with the late Duke of York, Lord Mexborough, 
 and Sir Francis Delaval, Mr. Foote had the mif- 
 fortune to break his leg, by a fall from his horfe, 
 in confequence of which he was obliged to un- 
 dergo an amputation. This accident fo fenfibly 
 affefted the Duke, that he made a point 
 of obtaining for Mr. Foote a patent for life, 
 whereby he was allowed to perform, at the Little 
 Theatre in the Haymarket, from the 15th of 
 May to the i^th of September every year. 
 
 Our author now became a greater favourite 
 of the town than ever ; his very laughable pieces, 
 with his more laughable performances, conftantly 
 filled his houfe. and his receipts were fome fea- 
 fons aimed incredible. Parfimony was jiever a 
 vice to be afcribed to Mr. Foote; his hpfpitality 
 and generofity were ever confpicuous ; he was 
 vifited by the firft nobility, and he was fome- 
 times honoured even by royal guefts. 
 
 In
 
 &b THE LIFE OF 
 
 In 1766, the Duchefs of K , who hat! 
 
 'long been a general topic of. converfation, our 
 wit thought would furnifh a good fubjecl; for a 
 three-a6l piece ; he fet about it, and during the 
 time of writing it, often mentioned it to his 
 friends, to fome of whom he read the chaar&er 
 of Lady Kitty Crocodile, which was intended for 
 her grace. We are told, that the fatire was 
 highly feafoned, and the play one of the beft he 
 ever wrote. Her grace hearing of her being in- 
 tended as a principal chara&er in Foote's piece 
 preparing for reprefentation, applied by her 
 friends to the Lord Chamberlain ; and when the 
 play came before his lordfhip for his approba- 
 tion, it was critically fcanned, and a permiffion 
 refufed. Mr. Foote, however, certain that no 
 objection could be laid- to it on her grace's part, 
 lent her the^ manufcript to read ; but me was in- 
 exorable. Upon this, a paper war commenced 
 between her grace and the wit, to the no final 1 
 entertainment of the town. 
 
 The attack made upon his charaBer by one of 
 his domeftics, whom he had difmiffed for his 
 mifbehaviour, is too well known to need being 
 mentioned here. It may be fufficiejit to fay he was 
 honourably acquitted of that charge. It is, how- 
 ever, believed by fomc, that the mock he re- 
 ceived from it accelerated his death, particularly
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 21 
 
 the very aclive part the agents of a certain du- 
 chefs took in that criminal profecution. It is 
 more probable, that his natural volatility of 
 fpirits would fupport him againft all imprefiions 
 from attacks of that nature. 
 
 Our author, finding his health decline, en- 
 tered into an agreement with Mr. Col man for 
 his patent of the theatre, according to which he 
 was to receive from that gentleman 1600!. per 
 annum, befides a ftipulated fum whenever Jie 
 chofe to perform. Mr. Foote, afterwards made his 
 appearance in two or three of his moft admired 
 characters ; but being fuddenly feized with a pa- 
 ralytic ftroke one night whilft upon the ftage, he 
 was compelled to retire, and from that time the 
 public loft their juftly-admired Ariftophanes. 
 He was advifed to bathe, and accordingly went 
 down to Brighthelrnftone, where he feemed to 
 recover his former health and fpirits. 
 
 A few weeks before his death he returned to 
 London ; but, with the advice of his phyficians, 
 fet out with an intention to fpend the winter 
 at Paris, and in the fouth of France. He had 
 got no farther than Dover, when he was fuddenly 
 attacked by another ftroke of the palfy, which 
 in a few hours terminated his exiftence. He 'died 
 on the 2ift of October, 1777, about the 56th 
 
 year
 
 22 THELIFEOF 
 
 year of his age, and was privately interred in the 
 cloiflers of Weftminfler-abbey. He left a natu- 
 ral fon, a minor, to whom he bequeathed moft 
 of his fortune. 
 
 We have very good authority for faying, that 
 the day on which Mr. Foote fet out for Dover, 
 about an hour before he went into his chaife, 
 he walked into every room in his houfe, and ex- 
 amined, with an accuracy not ufual to him, 
 every article of furniture he had, but more par- 
 ticularly his pictures, of which he had a large and 
 elegant collection. When he came to the por- 
 trait of Wefton, he made a full (lop, as if by 
 fome fecret impulfe, and rivetted his eyes upon 
 the countenance of his old acquaintance for 
 above ten minutes, without uttering a fyllable. 
 Then turning away, with a tear in his eye, he 
 exclaimed, " Poor Wefton." But the words had 
 fcarce dropped from his lips, when, with a tone 
 as it were of reproach for his feeming fecurity, 
 he repeated, " Poor Wefton! It will be very 
 " Ihortly, Poor Foote, or the t intelligence of 
 " my fpirits deceive me- !" 
 
 As a private man, Mr. Foote was fmcere, ge- 
 nerous, and humane. As no man ever contri- 
 buted more to the entertainment of the public, 
 fo no man oftener made the minds of his com- 
 panions
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ. 23 
 
 panions expand with mirth and good humour; 
 and, in the company of men of high rank and 
 fuperior fortune, who courted his acquaintance, 
 he always preferved ant eafy and noble indepen- 
 dency. That he had his foibles and caprices, 
 no one will pretend to deny; but they were 
 amply counterbalanced by his merit and abilities, 
 which will tranfmit his name to pofterity with 
 diftinguifhed reputation. 
 
 There are in print many fmart fayings and 
 repartees attributed to Mr. Foote ; but, as we 
 cannot vouch, for their authority, we mall not 
 infert them here. The two following lines are 
 among the verfes that have been written on his 
 death : 
 
 FOOTE from his earthly ftage, alas! ishurl'd; 
 Death took him off, who took off all the world.
 
 fTtHV entilf , ^ JU.no lucina 
 >fs///e .Apollo of Deljxhos . 
 
 ^Afe 
 
 fercurius Infernals . 
 \
 
 TASTE 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY 
 
 IN TWO ACTS: 
 
 PERFORMED ATTHC 
 
 THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY-LANE 
 
 WRITTEN 6V THE LATE 
 
 S4MUEL FOOTE y Efq. 
 
 Be rich in ancient Brafs, tho not in Gold, 
 And keep his Lares, tho' his Houfe be- fold} 
 To heedlefs Phoebe his fair Bride poftpone, 
 Honour a Syrian Prince above his own ; 
 Lord of an Otho, If I vouch it true* 
 Bleft in one Niger, till he knows ot two. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for W. LOWNDES, J. BAJiKfi 
 1799. 
 
 Price One Stilling,
 
 T O 
 
 Francis Ddaval, Efq, 
 
 S I R, 
 
 WHEN I corifider the long Intimacy 
 that has fubfifted betwixt us, the ob- 
 ligations I owe to your generous, dif- 
 interefted Friendship, and the Protection and 
 Encouagement I received both from you and 
 your Brother, when Neceflity lifted me in the 
 Service of the Public j there is no Man to 
 whom with equal Propriety and Pleafure I can 
 addrefs the following Work. It would be pay- 
 ing a bad Compliment to the Town, where I 
 to trouble you with an Apology for the In- 
 coniiderablenefs of the prefent. I thought it 
 worthy their Attention, and confequently not 
 beneath the Accptance of my Friend. With 
 the Aid of a Love-plot I could have fpun out 
 the Piece to the extent of Five Acts ; but be 
 fides that I wanted to confine the Eye to the 
 fingle object of my Satire, I declare myfelf a 
 A 3 Rebel
 
 vi DEDICATION. 
 
 Rebel to this univerfal Tyrant, who, not con- 
 tented with exciting all that is pitiful or terri- 
 ble in human Nature, has claimed the privi- 
 lege of occafioning every thing that is ridicu- 
 lous or contemptible in it ; and thus, from the 
 abject Submiffionof our dramatic Poets, is both 
 Tragedy and Comedy fubjected to the Power of 
 Love. It may be thought prefumptuous in 
 me to have dignified fo ihort a Performance 
 with the Name of a Comedy 5 but when my 
 Reafons why it cannot be called a Farce are 
 confidered, the Critics muft indulge me with 
 the Ufe of that Title ; at leaft till they can 
 furnifh me with a better. As the Follies and 
 Abfurdities of Men are the fole Objects of 
 Comedy, fo the Powers of the Imagination 
 (Plot and Incident excepted) are in this Kind 
 of Writing greatly reftrained. No unnatural 
 Aflemblages, no Creatures of the Fancy, can 
 procure the Protection of the Comic Mufe ; 
 Men and Things muft appear as they arc. 
 It is employed either in debating lofty Sub- 
 jects, or in railing humble Ones. Of the two 
 Kinds we have Examples in the TomThumb of 
 Mr. F , and a Traveftie of the U/v/es, 
 where Penelope keeps an Ale-houfe, Telema- 
 chus is a Tapfter, and the Heroe a Recruiting 
 Serjeant. In both thefe Inftances you fee 
 Nature is reverfed -, but as I flatter myfelf in 
 the following Sheets her Steps have been trod 
 
 with
 
 DEDICATION. vii 
 
 with an undeviating Simplicity, give me leave 
 to hope, that though I have not attained the 
 Togafa, yet I have reached the ^labernana of 
 the Romans. I once intended to have thrown 
 into this Addrefs, the Contents of many of our 
 Converfations on the Subject of Comedy j for 
 in whatever Diflipations the World may fup- 
 pofe our Days to have been confumed, many, 
 many Hours have been confecrated to other 
 Subjects than generally employ the Gay and 
 the Giddy. I hope the prefent Occafton will 
 dcmonftrate, that plcafure has not been always 
 my Purfuit ; and unlefs I am greatly miftaken, 
 it will foon be difcovered, that, joined to the 
 acknowledged beft Heart in the World, Mr. 
 Delaval has a Head capable of directing it. 
 As I am now above the reach of common 
 Obligations, an Acknowledgement of thefc 
 Qualities, in the Perfon of a Man who has 
 honoured me with his Friendmip, is the fql$ 
 Caufe of the Trouble you now receive. Long 
 has been our Union, may it never be divided 
 till the fatal Stroke, that demoli/hes all fub- 
 lunary Connections, fhall reach One of us, 
 which One will, I hope, be 
 
 Tour obliged^ and 
 
 affeftionate Servant^ 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE.
 
 P R E F A C E. 
 
 T Was always apprehenjive that the Subject 
 * of the following Piece was too abfiratted 
 and fingular for the Comprehenjlon of a mixd 
 Affembly. Juno, Lucina, Jupiter, Tonans, 
 Phidias, Praxiteles, with the other Gentlemen 
 and Ladies of Antiquity, were, I dare fay, ut- 
 terly unknown to my very good Friends of the 
 Gallery ; nor, to fpeak the Truth, do I believe 
 thf.y had many Acquaintances in the other Parts 
 of the Houfe. But tho I defpair of gratifying 
 the Populum Tributim of the THEATRE,^ 
 1 flatter myfdfthe Primores Populi will find me 
 no difagreeable Companion in the Clofet y t fatis 
 magnum Theatrum mihi eftis. 
 
 / was neither prompted by a lucrative, nor 
 an ambitious Motive to this Undertaking. My 
 Defign was fojerve a Man, who had ever great 
 Merit with his Friends, and to whom, on the 
 Score cffome late Transactions, I think the. Pub- 
 lic vajlly indebted. That my good Intentions 
 for Mr. WORSDALE have proved 'fucceJT- 
 ful, is entirely owing ti the Generoftty and 
 Huminiiy of the Managers of Drury-Lane 
 THEATRSS they have given him a Benejif, 
 
 and
 
 PREFACE. ix 
 
 end are jointly entitled to my Thanks ; but as to 
 Mr. GARRICK, / haw more perfonal Ob- 
 ligations. I take this Opportunity of ajjuring 
 him, that I' flail ever retain the moft grateful 
 Remembrance of his ^ffi/lance, djfiduily, and 
 kind Concerns, at the Birth , Pogrefs, and un- 
 timely End of this my laft and favourite off- 
 Spring. 
 
 *Tbe Objefft of my Satire were fuch as I 
 thought, whether they were conjidered in a mo- 
 ral, a political, or a ridiculous Light, deferred 
 the Notice of the Comic Mufe. I was deter- 
 mined to brand thofe Goths in Science, who had 
 projlituted the ufeful Study of Antiquity to tri- 
 fling Juperjicial Purpofes ; who had blafted the 
 Progrefs of the elegant Arts amongft us, by 
 unpardonable Frauds and abfurd Prejudices ; 
 and who had corrupted the Minds and Morals 
 vf our Youth, by perfuading them, that what 
 only ferves to illujlrate Literature was true 
 Learning, and active Idlenefs real Bufinefs. 
 How far this End has been obtained, is now, in 
 the following Sheets, more generally fubmitted 
 to the Public. 
 
 B PROLOGUE.
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 . 
 
 Written by Mr. G A R R I C K, 
 
 And fpoken by him in the Charader of an 
 Auctioneer. 
 
 T)EFOREthisCourt,I PETER 
 *-^ A Briton born, and bred an Auctioneer $ 
 Who for myfelf, and eke a hundred others, 
 My ufefuly honeft, learned bawling Brothers t 
 With much Humility and Fear implore ye, 
 To toy our pre/entdefp' rate Cafe before ye.-* 
 
 . 'Tisf aid this Night a certain Wag intends 
 To laugh at us, our Calling , and our Friends; 
 If Lords and Ladies, andjuch dainty Folks, 
 Are cur* d of Auction-hunting by his yokes ! 
 Should this odd DocJrine Jpread throughout the 
 
 Land, 
 
 Bef6re you buy, be fure to underftand. 
 Oh ! think on us inbat vane-its Ills will flow, 
 When great Ones only pur chafe what thckno.iv, 
 Why laugh at TAST E? It is a barmlefs FaJJjion, 
 And quite jubdues each detrimental PaJJion ; 
 The Fair Ones Hearts will ne'er incline to Man* 
 While thus they rage for China and 'Japan. 
 The Virtuofo, foo t and Connoifleur, 
 Are ever decent^ delicate 9 and pure ; 
 Tbejm^llejl Hair their hoftrf hough ts might hold^
 
 P R O L O G U E. xi 
 
 iv arm whenjingh, and when married cold: 
 Their Blood at Sight of Beauty gently flows ; 
 Their Venus mujl be old, and want a Nofe! 
 No amrous Paffion with deep Knowledge thrives*, 
 'Tisthe Complaint, indeed, of all out" Wives-! 
 Tis faid Virtu tofuch a height is grown. 
 
 All Artifts are encouragd -but our own. 
 
 Be not deceived, I here declare on Oath, 
 I never yet fold Goods of foreign growth : 
 Ne'er fent Commiffions out to Greece or Rome ; 
 My be ft Antiquities are made at Home. 
 I've Romans, Greeks, Italians near at hand, 
 'True Britons all and living in the Strand. 
 I ne'er for Trinkets rack my Pericranium, 
 TheyfurniJJ} out my Room from Herculaneum. 
 
 But hujh 
 
 Should it be known that Englifti are employ* d t 
 Our Manufacture is at once .deftroyd ; 
 A r matter what our Countrymen deferve 9 
 'They' II thrive as Ancients, but as Moderns Jlarve 
 If we Jhould fall to you it will be owing; 
 Farewell to Arts they're going, going, going; 
 The fatal Hammer s in your Hand, oh Town! 
 Thenfet Us up and knock the POET down* 
 
 .5 * Dramatic
 
 Dramatis Perfbnse. 
 
 Carmine, 
 
 Puff, 
 
 Brufh, 
 
 Novice, 
 
 L ord Dupe. 
 
 Alderman Pentweazle, 
 
 Caleb, 
 
 Boy, 
 
 Lady Pentweazle, 
 
 Mr. Palmer. 
 Mr. Yatcs, 
 Mr. Crofi. 
 Mr, Blake. 
 Mr. Shuter. 
 Mr. TafwelL 
 Mr. Coftollo. 
 Mafier Crofs. 
 Mr. Worfdale,
 
 TASTE. 
 
 A 
 COMEDY. 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 SCENE I. A Painting Rym. 
 Enter CARMINE, followed by the Boyl 
 
 CARMINE.JL/AY thefe Colours in the Window, 
 by the Pallet. Any Vifitors or Mefiages ? 
 
 Boy. 'Squire Felltree has been here, and infifts 
 upon Mifs Racket's Pictures being immediately 
 
 finifh'd, and carry 'd Home As to his Wife and 
 
 Children, he fays, you may take your own Time. 
 
 Carm. Wfell 
 
 Boy. Here has been a Meflage too, from my 
 
 Lady Pen I can't remember her Name^but 
 
 'tis upon the Slate. She defires to know if you 
 will be at Home about Nooii. 
 
 Carm. Fetch it. (Exit+Boy. 
 
 Was the Whole of our Profeflion confined to the 
 mere Bufinefs of it, the Employment would be. 
 as well as profitable 5 but as matters are 
 
 now
 
 fe TASTE. 
 
 now managed, the Art is the laft Thing to be re- 
 garded. Family Connections, private Recommen- 
 dations, and an eafy, genteel Method of Flattering, 
 is to fupply the Delicacy of a Guido, the colouring 
 of a Rubens, and the Defign of a Raphael all their 
 Qualities centring in one Man, without the firft 
 Requifites, would be ufelefs ; and with thefe, one 
 of them is necefiary. 
 
 Enter Boy with the Slate. 
 
 Carm. Let's fee Oh ! Lady Pentweazel 
 
 from Blowbladder-ftreet Admit her by all 
 
 Means j and if Puff or Vurnijh mould come, I am 
 at home. (Exit Boy. 
 
 Lady Pentweazd! ha! ha! Now here's a Proof 
 that Avarice is not the only, or laft Paffion old 
 
 Age is fubjeft to this fuperannuated Beldame 
 
 gapee for Flattery, like a Neft of unfledged Crows 
 for Food i and with them, too, gulps down every 
 Thing that's offer'd her no Matter how coarfe 
 well, me fhall be fed ; I'll make her my introduc- 
 tory Key to the whole Bench of Aldermen. 
 
 Enter Boy witb Puff. 
 
 ie>-. Mr. Puff, Sir. 
 
 Carm. Let us be private. What have you there? 
 
 Pitff. Two of Rtmbrandt's Etching by Strafe, 
 In May's Buildings ; a paltry Affair, a Poor Ten 
 Guinea Job ; however, a fmall game' you know 
 the Proverb What became of you Yeftcrday ? 
 
 Carm. I was detained by Sir Pofitive. Bubble. 
 How went the Pictures ? The Guido> what did 
 that fetch ? 
 
 Tuff.
 
 TASTE. 3 
 
 Puff. One Hundred and Thirty. 
 
 Carm. Hum ! Four Guineas the Frame, Three 
 the Painting ; then we divide juft One Hundred 
 And Twenty -three. 
 
 Pu/. Hold not altogether fo faft ^Var* 
 
 fiijh had Two Pieces for bidding againft Squander ; 
 and Britjh Five for bringing Sir Tawdry trifle. 
 
 Carm. Mighty well; look ye, Mn Puff, if 
 thefe people are eternally quarter'd upon us, I de- 
 clare off, Sin they eat up the Profit. There's 
 
 thatdamn'd Brujh but you'll find him out. .1 
 
 have upon his old Plan given him Copies of all 
 tire Work I executed upon his Recommendation ; 
 and what was the Confequence ? He clandestinely 
 fold the Copies, and I have all the Originals in my 
 Lumber-Room. 
 
 Puff. Come, come, Carmine, you are no great 
 Lofer by that. Ah! that Lumber- Room! that 
 Lumber*- Room out of repair, is the bed condition- 
 ed Eftate in the County of Middlefex. Why now 
 there's your Sufannah -, it could not have produced 
 you above Twenty at moft, and by the Addition of 
 your Lumber Room Dirt, and the falutary Appli- 
 cation of the S pal tarn Pot, it became a Guido, 
 worth a Hundred and Thirty Pounds ; befides, in 
 all Traffic of this Kind, there muft t?e Combina- 
 tions. Varnifo and Brujh are our Jackalls, and it is 
 buc fair they mould partake of the Prey. Courage, 
 my Boy ! never fear ! Praife be to Folly and 
 fafhion, there are, in this Town, Dupes enough. 
 to gratify the Avarice of us all. 
 
 Carm. Mr. Puff, you are ignorant and ScurriU 
 lous, and very impertinent Mr. fuff* arid Mr. Puffl 
 I have a ftrange Mind to leave you to yourfelves, 
 
 and
 
 4 TASTE. 
 
 and then fee what a Hand you would make of it - 
 Sir, if I do now and then add fome Tindls of An- 
 tiquity to my Pictures, I do ic in Condefcenfion to 
 theFoible of the World; for, Sir, Age, Age, Sir, 
 is all my Pidures want to render 'em as good Pieces 
 as the M afters from whom they are taken j and let 
 me tell you Sir, he that took my Sufannah for a 
 Cuidoj gave no mighty Proofs of his Ignorance, 
 Mr. Puff. 
 
 Puff. Why, thou Poft-painterj thou Dauber* 
 thou execrable White-wamer, thou Sirrah, have 
 you fo Toon forgot the wretched State from whence 
 I dragg'd you. The firft Time I fet eyes on you, 
 Rafcal ! what was your Occupation then ? Scrib- 
 bling, in fcarce legible Letters, Coffee, Tea, and 
 Chocolate on a Bawdy-houfe Window in Goodman's 
 Fields. 
 
 Carm. The Meannefs of my Original demon- 
 ftrates the greatnefs of my Genius. 
 
 Puff Genius ! Here's a Dog. Pray, how high 
 did your Genius foar ? To the daubing diabolical 
 Angels for Alehoufes, Dogs with Chains for Tan- 
 ner's Yards, Rounds of Beef and roafted Pigs for 
 Porridge Ifland. 
 
 Carm. Hanibal Scratchi did the fame. 
 
 Puff. From that contemptible State did not I 
 raife you to the Cat and Fiddle in Petticoat-lane; the 
 Goofe and Gridiron in Paul's Church-yard; the firft 
 live Things you ever drew, Dog ? 
 
 Carm. Pox take youc Memory. Well, but* 
 Mr. Puff you are fo 
 
 Puff. Nor did I quit you then : Who Sirrah, re- 
 commended you to Prim Stiff, the Mercer upon Lud- 
 i how came you to paint the ^ueen there? 
 (Loud Knocks at the Door*
 
 TASTE. 5 
 
 Carm. Mr. Pufl for Heaven's fake ! dear Sir, 
 you arc fo warm, we lhall be blown . 
 
 Enter Boy. 
 Boy. Sir, my Lady Pen- 
 
 Carm. Send her co the Show her up Staks* 
 Dear Pujf 
 
 Puff. Oh ! Sir, I can be .calm ; I only wanted to 
 Jet you ice I had not forgot, though perhaps you may. 
 
 Carm. Sir, you are very obliging. Well, but 
 now as all is over, if you will retreat a fmall Time 
 Lady Ptntweazel fits for her Picture, and flic's 
 
 Puff. I have fome Bufinefs at next Door; I 
 fuppoie in half an Hour's Time- 
 
 Carm. I fhall be at Leifure. Dear Puff- 
 
 Puff. Dear Carmine (Exit Puf 
 
 Carm. Son of a Whore Boy, fhew the Lady 
 
 up Stairs. 
 
 Enter Lady Pentweazel. 
 
 Lady* Fine Pieces! very likely Pieces! and, 
 indeed, all alike. Hum! Lady Fujfock and, ha! 
 ha ! ha ! Lady Gluwjlead, by all that's ugly Pray 
 now, Mr. Carmine^ ripw do you Limners contrive 
 to overlook the UgH.nefs, and preferve the Likenefs ? 
 
 Carm. Tiie Art, Madam, may be convey'd in 
 two words; where nature has been fevere, we foftenj 
 where (lie has been kind, we aggravate. 
 
 Lady. Very ingenus> and very kind, truly. Well, 
 good Sir, I bring you a Subject that will demand 
 the whole of the firft Part of your Skill j and if 
 you arc at Leifure, you may begin directly. 
 
 Carat*
 
 6 TASTE. 
 
 Carm. Your Ladyfhip is here a little ungrateful 
 to Nature, and cruel to yourfelf ; even Lady Pent" 
 wea-zel's Enemies (if fuch there be) muft allow Ihe 
 is a fine Woman. 
 
 Lady* Oh ! your Servant, good Sir. Why I 
 have had my Day, Mr. Carmine -, I have had my 
 Day. 
 
 Carm. And have (till, Madam. Trie only Dif- 
 ference I (hall make between what you were, and 
 what you are, will be no more than what Rubens 
 has diftinguifhed between Mary de Medicis, a Vir- 
 gin and a Regent. 
 
 Lady. Mr. Carmine> I vow you are a very judi- 
 cious Perfon. I was always faid to be like that 
 Family. When my Piece ^was firft done, the Lim- 
 ner did me after Venus de Medicis, which I fuppofe 
 might be one of Mary's Sifters ; but Things muft 
 change j to be fitting for my Picture at this Time 
 of Day j ha ! ha ! but my Daughter Sukey> you 
 muft know, is juft married to Mr. Deputy Dripping 
 of Candlewick-Wardy and would not be faid nay ; 
 fo it is not fo much for the Beauty as the Similitude. 
 Ha! ha! 
 
 Carm. True, Madam ; ha] ha ! but if I hit the 
 Likcnefs, I muft prefer ve the Beauty, Will your 
 Ladyfnip be feated ? (She fits. 
 
 Lady. I have heard, good Sir, that eveiy Body 
 has a more bctterer and more worferer Side of the 
 Face than the other now which will you chufe ? 
 
 Carm. The Right Side, Madam the Left 
 now, if you pleafe, the Full Yo.ir Lady (hip's 
 Countenance is fo exactly proportion'd, that i muft 
 have it all j no Feature can be ipared I 
 
 Lady.
 
 TASTE. 7 
 
 Lady. When you come to the Eyes, Mr. Car- 
 mine, let me know, that I may call up a Look. 
 
 Carm. Mighty well, Madam Your Face a 
 
 little nearer to the Left, nearer me yonr Head" 
 more up Shoulders back and Cheft forward. 
 
 Lady. Blcfs me, Mr. Carmine, don't mind my 
 
 Shape this Bout j for I am only in J urnps. Shall 
 
 1 fend for my Tabbys ? 
 
 Carm. No, Madam, we'll fupply that for the 
 prcfent Your Ladyfhip was juft now mentioning 
 a Daughter Is (he your Face a little more 
 towards me Is (he the fole Inheritor of her Mo- 
 ther's Beauty j Or have you 
 
 Lady. That? ha! ha! ha ! why that's my 
 youngeft of all, except Caleb. I have had, Mr. 
 Carmine, live born, and chriften'd ftay don't 
 let me lye now One Two Three Four 
 
 Five Then I lay fallow but the Year after I 
 
 had Twins -they came in Mr. Pcntweazel's 
 
 SherifFalty ; then Roger, then Robin, then Reuben 
 
 in fhort, I have had Twenty as fine Babes as 
 
 ever trod in Shoe of Leather. 
 
 Carm. Upon my Word, Madam, your Lady- 
 fhip is an admirable Member of the Commonwealth; 
 'tis a thufand Pities that, like the Romans, we have 
 not fome Honours to reward iuch diltinguilhed 
 Merit. 
 
 Lady. Ay, ay, Mr. Carmine, if Breeding amongft 
 ChriftiahS was as much encouraged as amongft 
 Dogs and Hcries, we need not be making Laws 
 to let in a Parcel of ouciandun LocuUs to eat us 
 all up. 
 
 Carm. I am told, Madam, that a Bill for fome 
 fuch Purpofe is about to pafs, and chat we. begin now 
 
 to
 
 1 
 * TASTE. 
 
 to have almoft as much Regard for the Propaga- 
 tion of the Species, as the Prefervation of the 
 Game in thefe Kingdoms 'Now, Madam, I am 
 come to the t yes Oh ! that Look, that, that, I 
 mufl defpair of imitating. 
 
 Lady. Oh ! Oh! good Sir, have you found out 
 that ? Why all my Family by the Mother's Side 
 were famous for their Eyes : I have a Great Aunt 
 among the Beauties at Wind/or; l"he has a Sifter at 
 Hampton-Court, aperdigious fine Woman me had 
 but one Eye, indeed, but that was a Piercer^ that 
 one Eye got her three Hufbands we were called 
 the gimlet-eyed Family. Oh ! Mr. Carmine, you 
 need not mind thefe Heats in my Face ; they always 
 difcharge themfelves about Chriftmas my true 
 Carnation is not feen in my Countenance. Thats 
 Carnation ! here's your Flefh and Blood ! 
 
 (Jhewing her Arm. 
 
 Carm. Delicate, indeed ! finely turn'd, and of 
 a charming Colour. 
 
 Lady. And yet it has been employed enough to 
 
 fpoil the bed Hand and Arm in the World. 
 
 Even before Marriage never idle j none of your 
 galloping, goffiping, Ranefogh Rorfcps, like the 
 forward Minxes of the prefent Age. I was always 
 employed either in painting your Lam/kips, playing 
 upon the Hafpicols, making Pafle, or fomething or 
 
 other All our family had a Geno -, and then I 
 
 fung ! Every Body faid I had a monftrous fine 
 Voice for Mufic. 
 
 Carm. That may be difcern'd by your Ladyfhip's 
 Tones in Converfation. 
 
 Lady.' Tones-^you are right, Mr. Carmine $ 
 that was jVlr. Purcel's Word. Mifs Molly Grijkin, 
 faid he (my maiden Name) you have Tones. 
 
 Carmr
 
 TASTE. 9 
 
 Carm. As your LadyfMp has prefervcd every 
 Thing elfr fo well, I dare fvvear you have not loft 
 your Voice. Will you favour me with an Air ! 
 
 Lady. Oh \ Sir, you are fo polite, that it's im- 
 poflible But I have none of your new PJay- 
 
 houfe Songs 1 can give you one = that was made 
 
 on myfelf by Lawrence Luteftring, a Neighbour'! 
 Son. 
 
 Carm. What you pleafe, Madam. 
 
 Lady. 
 
 As I was a walking "by the Side of a River 9 
 
 I met a young Daniel Jo charming and clever j 
 
 Her Poice to pleafe could not fail, 
 
 She Jung like any Nightingale. 
 
 Fal de rdl ; bugh y bugh, &c. 
 Blels me ! I have fuch a Cough i but there arc 
 Tones. 
 
 Carm. Inimitable ones. 
 
 Lady. But, Mr. Carmine) you Limners are all 
 ingenus Men you fing- 
 
 Carm. A Ballad, or Ib, Madam ; Mufic is a 
 Sifter Artj and it would be a little unnatural not 
 to cultivate an Acquaintance there. 
 
 Lady. Why truly we ought nor to be aftiamed 
 of our Relations, unlefs they are poor ; and then, 
 you know ^r- 
 
 Enter Boy. 
 
 Boy Alderman Pentweazle and Mr. Puff. 
 Lady. Oh ! he was to call upon me ; we go to 
 the Auction. Defire him to walk up Mr. Pent- 
 weazley you muft k'now, went this Morning to 
 meet Caleb) my youngeft Boy, at the Bull and 
 Gate. The Child has been two Years and three 
 
 Quarters
 
 io TASTE. 
 
 Quarters at School with Dr. Jerk, near Donta/lcr, 
 and comes To-day by the York Waggon ; for it 
 has always been my Maxtim, Mr. Carmine, to giver 
 my Children Learning enough ; for, as the old 
 Saying is, 
 
 fVben Hotife'and Land are gone andfyent, 
 
 Then Learning is mofl excellent. 
 
 Carm, Your Ladyfhip is quite right. Too much 
 Money cannot be employed in fo material an 
 Article. 
 
 Lady. Nay,the Coft is but fmalljbut poor fourteen 
 Pounds a Year for Head, Back, Books, Bed, and 
 Belly; and they fay the Children are all wonderful 
 Latiners, and come up, lack-a-day, they come up 
 as fat as Pigs - Oh ! here they are ; Odds me ! 
 he's a Thumper. xYou fee, Mr. Carmine , \ breed 
 no Starvelings. Come hither, Child. Mind your 
 Haviours. Where's your beft Bow? Turn out 
 your Toes. One would think he had learnt to 
 dance of his Father. I'm fure my Family were 
 none fo awkward. There was my Brother George^ 
 a perfect Picture of a Man ; he danced, Lud! But 
 come^ll in good Time Hold up thy Head, Caleb. 
 
 Aid. Pr'ythee, fweet Honey, let the Child 
 alone. His Matter fays he comes on wonderful in 
 his Learning; and as to your Bows and your Con- 
 gees, never fear, he'll learn them faft enough at 
 Home. 
 
 Lady, I ack-a-day ! well faid We now If he 
 does, I know \vhg muft teach him. Well, Child, 
 and doft remember me? Hey? Who am I ? 
 
 Caleb. Anon ! 
 
 Lady. Doft know me ? 
 
 Caleb. Yes; you be Mother. 

 
 T .A S T E. ir 
 
 Lady. Nay, the Boy had always a good Memory. 
 And what haft learnt, Caleb , hey ? 
 
 Caleb. I be got into Atfop's Fables, and can fay 
 all As in -prxjenti by Heart. 
 
 Lady. Upon my Word that's more tha'ri ever 
 thy Father could. 
 
 Aid. Nay, nay, no Time has been loft j I quefV 
 tioned the Lad as we came along j I afk'd him 
 himfelf 
 
 Lady, Well, well, fpeak when you are fpoken to, 
 
 Mr Alderman. How often muft I Well, 
 
 Caleb* and hadft a good deal of Company in the 
 Waggon, Boy? 
 
 Caleb. O Law ! Powers of Company. Mother. 
 There was Lord Gorman's fat Cook, a Blackamorc 
 " Drumming Man, two Actor People, a Recruiting 
 Serjeant, a Monkey and I; 
 
 Lady. Upon my Word, a pretty Parcel. 
 
 Caleb. Yes, indeed; but the the fat Cook 
 
 got drunk at Coventry, and fo fell out at the tail of 
 the Waggon; fo we left me behind. The next 
 Day the Serjeant ran away with the Showman's 
 Wife ; the t'other two went after ; fo only the 
 Monkey and I came to Town together. 
 
 Carm. Upon rny Word, the young Gentleman 
 gives a good Account of his Travels. 
 
 Lady. &yjZy,Mr.Carmine, he's all over the blood of 
 the Gri/kins, I warrantthe Child will make his Way. 
 Go, Caleb, go and look at them pretty Paintings- 
 Now, Mr. Carmine, let us fee if my good Marl 
 can find me out. 
 
 Aid. Lack-a-day; well, \ profefs they are all 
 fo handfome, that J am puzzled to know which is 
 thine, Chuck. 
 
 Puff.
 
 it TASTE. 
 
 i 
 
 Puff. I am furprized at your Want of Difcern- 
 ment, Mr. Alderman ; but the poflcfTion of a Jewel 
 deftroys its Value with the Wearer ; now to me it 
 feems impoflible to err; and tho' Mr. Carmine is 
 generally fuccefsful, in this Inftance he is particularly 
 happy. Where can you meet with that Mixture 
 of Fire and Softnefs, but in the Eyes of Lady 
 Pentweazle? 
 
 Lady. Oh, Sir! 
 
 Puff. That Cleamefs and Delicacy of Complex!- 
 -on, with that Flow of Riiddinefs and Health. 
 
 Lady. Sir ! Sir ! Sir ! 
 
 Puff. That Fall of Shoulders, Turn of Neck, 
 fet on Head, full Cheft, taper Waift, plump 
 
 Lady. Spare me, fweet Sir ! You fee Mr. 
 
 Pentweazle, other People can find out my Charms, 
 tho* you overlook them Well, I profefs, Sir, you 
 are a Gentleman of great Dilcernment j and if 
 Bufinefs mould bring you into the City j for alas! 
 what Pleafure can bring a Man of your refined 
 Tafte there ? 
 
 Pttf.Ohl Ma'am!' 
 
 Lady I fay, Sir, if fuch an Accident mould 
 happen, 'and Blowbladder-Jlreet has any Charms 
 
 Puff. Oh ! Ma'am ! Ma'am ! Ma'am ! Ma'am 
 
 Lady. It is not impqffible but we may receive 
 you, tho' not equal to your Merits - 
 
 Puff. Ma'am ! 
 
 Lady. Yet in fuch a Manner as to mew our 
 Scnfe of them. Sir, I'm your very obedient. 
 
 Puff. Your Ladymip's mod 
 
 Lady. Not a Step. 
 
 Puff. Ma'am.
 
 TASTE. ij 
 
 Lady. Sir Mr. Alderman, your Bow to 
 
 the Gentlemen. The very fineft. 
 
 Puff. Ma'am! 
 
 Lady. Sir -Your moft obedient. 
 
 Puff. Your devoted. (Ex. Aid. and Wife 1 . 
 
 Carm. Ha! ha! Well faid, Puff.^ What a 
 Calamity thou haft drawn upon the Knight ! Thou 
 haft fo tickled the Vanity of the Haradan, that the 
 poor Helpmate will experience a double portion 
 of her Contempt. 
 
 Puff. Rot them. 
 
 Carm. Come, Puff, a matrimonial Afiiftant to 
 k rich Alderman is no contemptible Employment. 
 
 Puff. Ay, if it were a Sine-cure. 
 
 Garm. No, that you muft not expect ; but unlels 
 I am greatly miftaken in the Language of the Eyes, 
 her Ladyfhip's were addrefs'd to you with moil 
 perfuafive Tendernefs. 
 
 Puff. Well, of that hereafter But to our 
 
 Biifmefs. The Auction is about beginning; and I 
 have promifed to meet Mr. David Dufledorpc, Sir 
 Pofitive Bubble, and Lord Dupe, to examine the 
 PiftureSjand fix on thofe for which they are to bid 
 But fince we have fettled the German Plan ; fo 
 Varnijh or Brujh muft attend them. 
 
 Carm. Oh ! by all means purfue that. You have 
 H6 Conception how the dear Foreign Accent is to 
 your true Virtuofo; it announces Tafte, Know- 
 ledge, Veracity, and in ihort, every Thing but 
 can you enough difguife tne Turn of your Face, 
 and Tone of your Voice ? a Difcovery of Mr. Puff 
 in Mynhetr Gramngen blafts us at once. 
 
 Puff. Never fear me. I wiih you may have 
 equal Succefs in the Pare of Canto. 
 
 C Carm.
 
 1.4 T A S T E. 
 
 Carm, Pho ! mine's a Trifle. A man muft have 
 very {lender Abilities indeed, who can't for ten 
 Minutes imitate a Language and Deportment that 
 he has been Witnefs to for ten Years. 
 
 Puff. But you mud get their Tones, their Tones; 
 'tis eafy enough. Come, hand up here that there 
 Corregio ; an inimitable Piece. Gentlemen and 
 Ladies : the very bed Work of the beft Mafter, 
 Subject agreeable, highly finifhed, and well pre- 
 ferved ; a Seat for the Ladies ; hand it to Sir 
 Pofitive : a going for Fifty : fpeak, or it's gone for 
 Fifty: Joy to your Ladyftiip. Come the next ,- but 
 remember, let your Bob be bufhy, and your Bow 
 low. 
 
 Carm. Enough, enough; we are Strangers to 
 each other, you know. 
 
 Puff. Abfolute. Oh! but what Pictures of yours 
 are in the Sale ? 
 
 Carm. There's my Holy Family by Raphael ; 
 the Marriage in Cana by Reuben Rouge j Tom Jack- 
 Jon's .Tenters ; and for Bufts, Taylor's Head without 
 a Nofe from Herculaneum. { 
 
 Puff. Are the Antique Seals come Home ? 
 
 Ce.rm. No j but they will be finiuYd by next 
 Week. 
 
 .Puff. You muft take care of Novice's Collection 
 of Medals he'll want them by the End of the 
 Month. 
 
 Carm. The Coins of the firft Emperor are now 
 fteeping in Copperas ; and I haye an Qtho t a Galba* 
 Nero, and two Domitians reeking from the Dung- 
 hill The Reft we can have from Doctor Mummyi 
 a never failing Chap, you know. 
 
 Puff. Adieu 
 
 Carm.
 
 TASTE. 15 
 
 Carm. Yours* Sir a troublefome Fellow, 
 
 this confounded Memorv ufeful, tho' 
 
 Hounds of Beef and roafted Pigs ! -rauft get rid 
 
 of him Ay, but when? Why when? - 
 
 when I have gain'd my Point. But how, how 
 then ? n, then it does not fignify Two Pence. 
 
 We End of the F I R S T AC T. 
 
 A C T II. 
 
 Enter Puff, as Monfieur Baron de Gftmingen, 
 Carmine as Canto, and Brufli. 
 
 CANTO, f^\ O M E, buftle, buftle. Bru/h you 
 \^j introduce Puff, Puff, how are you 
 in your German ? 
 
 Puff. 1 canno fpeak for Englandt, but I can mak 
 underftand very mightily. Will that do ? 
 
 Brujh. To a Hair. Remember you are come 
 hither to purchafe Pictures for the Elector of Ba- 
 varia. Carmine, you muft clap Lord Dupe's 
 Coat of Arms on that Half Length of Erafmus ; I 
 have fold it him, as his Great Grandfather's third 
 Brother, for Fifty Guineas. 
 
 Canto. It mail be done Be it my Province to 
 eftablim the Baron's Reputation as a Connoiffeur. 
 
 Brttjh
 
 16 T A S T E. 
 
 Eru/h has fecn you Abroad at the Court of the 
 reigning Prince of Blantin. 
 
 Puff. Yes; I was do Bufinefs mightily for Prince 
 Blantin. 
 
 Brujh. Your Portraits go firft, Carmine, Notice, 
 Sir Pojitive Bubble, Jack Squander, Lord Dupe, 
 and Mordecai Lazarus, the Jew Broker, have ap- 
 pointed me to examine with them the Hiftory 
 Pieces. Which are moft likely to (tick? 
 
 Canto. Here's a Lift. 
 
 Brujh. Hum, hide the Erafmus, I hear the Com- 
 pany on the Stairs, 
 
 ( Exit Carmine, and re-enters anon. 
 
 Enter Lord Dupe, Bubble, Squander, &c. 
 
 Lord. Mr. Brujh. I am your devoted Servant. 
 You have procured my Anceftor. 
 
 Brujh. It is in my Poflefiion, my Lord ; and I 
 have the Honor to afTure your Lordfhip, that the 
 Family Features are very difcernable ; and allowing 
 for the Difference of Drefs, there's a ftrong like- 
 nefs between you and your Predeceflbr. 
 
 Lord. Sir, you have obliged me. All thefe you 
 have mark'd in the Catalogue are Originals? 
 
 Bru/h. Undoubted, But my Lord, you need not 
 depend folely on my Judgement; here's Mynheer 
 Baron de Graningen, who is come hither to furvey, 
 and' purchafe for the Elector of Bavaria ; an indif- 
 putable Connoifleurj his Bidding will be a Di- 
 rection for your Lordmip. 'Tis a Thoufand 
 Pities that any of thefe Mafters mould quit England. 
 They were conducted hither at an immenfe Expence. 
 and if they now leave us, what will it be but a 
 
 public
 
 T A S T E. 17 
 
 public Declaration, that all Tafte and liberal know- 
 ledge is vanifli'd from amongft us? 
 
 Lord. Sir leave the Support of the National 
 Credit to my Care. Could you introduce me to 
 Mynheer ? Does he fpeak EngHJh ? 
 
 Brujh. Not fluently, but fo as to he underftood. 
 Mynheer, Lord Dupe the Patron of Arts, the 
 Petronius for Tafte, and for well-timed Generofity, 
 the Leo and the Mec<enas-o( the prefent Age, 
 defires to know you. 
 
 Puff. Sir, you honour me very mightily. I was 
 hear of Lord Dupes in Hollandt. I was tell he was 
 one Delatant, one Curieufe, one Precieufe of his 
 Country. 
 
 Lord, The Dutch are an obliging, civilized, well- 
 bred, pretty Kind of People. But, pray Sir, what 
 occafions us the Honour of a Vifit from you ? 
 
 Puff. I was come to bid for Paints for de Elector 
 of Bavaria. 
 
 Lord. Are there any here that deferve your 
 Attention ? 
 
 Puff. O ! dare are good Pieces; but dare is one' 
 I likes mightily ; the off Sky, and Home Track 
 is fine, and the Maifter is in it. 
 
 Lord. What is the Subjed ? 
 
 P#/.JDat I know not; vat I minds, vat you 
 call the Draws and the Colors. 
 
 Lord. Mr. Canto, what is the Subject ? 
 
 Canto. It is, my Lord St. Anthony of Padua 
 cxercifing the Devil out of a Ram-cat j it has a 
 Companion fomewhere Oh ! here, which is the 
 fame Saint in a Wildernefs, reading his Breviary 
 by the Light of a Glow-worm. 
 
 Brufi.
 
 18 T ,A S T E. 
 
 Brujh. Invaluable Piftures, both ! and will match 
 your Lordlhip's Corregio in the Saloon. 
 
 Lord. I'll have them. What Pictures are thofe, 
 Mr. Canto ? 
 
 Canto. They are not in the Sale ; but I fancy I 
 could procure them for your Lordlhip, 
 
 Lord. This, I prelume, might have been a 
 I.andfkip ; but the Water, and the Men, and the 
 Trees, anc^ the Dogs, and the Ducks, and the 
 Pigs, they are obliterated, all gone. 
 
 Brujh. An indifputable Mark of its Antiquity ; 
 its very Merit ; befides a little Varnifh will fetch the 
 Figures again, 
 
 Lord. Set it down for me The next. 
 
 Canto. That is a Mofes in the Buirufhes. The 
 blended Joy and Grief in the Figure of the Sifter 
 in the Corner, the Diftrefs and Anxiety of the 
 Mother here, and the Beauty and Benevolence of 
 Pbaroab's Daughter, are Circumitances happily 
 imagined, and boldly exprefs'd. 
 
 Brujh. Lack-a-day, 'tis but a modern Perform* 
 ance ; the mafter is alive, and an Engiifoman. 
 
 Ltrd. Oh ! then 1 would not give it Houie-room. 
 
 Puf. Here is a pretty Piece I h'nd (lick up here 
 in de Cocner : I was fee in Houandt, at Loo, a 
 Piece mighty like ; there was little Mices, that 
 was nibble, nibble, nibble, upon vat you call 
 Frumage, -and little Shurels all with Brufh tails ran 
 up the tieesj and there was great things vat you 
 call Pihaw, that have long Bearts, and cry Ba, 
 
 Brujh. What Goats; 
 
 Puff. Ay, dat was de name. 
 
 Lord. 1 (hould tnink, by the Cheefe and the 
 Goats, Mynheer, yours was a Welch Piece, inftead 
 of a Dutch Puff.
 
 T A S T E. 19 
 
 Puff. Ah, 'twas good Piece. I with to my Heart 
 Lord Dupes was have that Piece. 
 
 Enter Novice. 
 
 Novice. Where's Mr. Brujb ? My dear Brujh> 
 am I too late ? 
 
 Brujh In pretty good Time. 
 
 A>z;. May 1 lofe my Oiho y or be tumbled from 
 my Phaeton the firft Time I jehup my Sorrels, if 
 I have not made more Hafte than a young Surgton 
 to his firft Labour. But the Lots, the L^ts, my 
 dear Bntjh, what are they ? I'm upon the Rack of 
 Impatience till 1 fee them, and in a Fever of De- 
 fire till I poffefs them. 
 
 Brvjb. Mr. Canto, the Gentleman would be glad 
 to fee the Bufts, Medals, and precious Reiiques of 
 Greece and ancient Rome* 
 
 Canto. Perhaps, Sir, we may mow him fora> 
 thing of greater Antiquity Bring them forward ^ 
 The firft Lot confifts of a Hand without an Arm, 
 the firft joint of the Fore-Finger gone, fuppofed to 
 be a Limb of the Apollo Deiphos The fccond, 
 Half a Foot, with the Toes entire, of the Jung 
 Lucina The third, the Caduceus of the Mercunus 
 Infernalis The fourth, the Half of the Leg of 
 the Infant Hercules all indifputable Antiques, and 
 of the Mempbian Marble. 
 
 Puff. Let me fee Juno's Half Foot. All the 
 Toes entire ? 
 
 Canton. Ail. 
 
 Puff. Here is a little Swelt by this Toe, that 
 looks bad Proportion. 
 
 All. Hey, hey. 
 
 Puf.
 
 20 TASTE. 
 
 Puff. What's dat ? 
 
 Canto. That ! Pfhaw ! that ! Why that's onlya 
 Corn. 
 
 All. Oh! 
 
 Puff. Corn ! dat was extreme natural j dat 'is 
 fine ; the Maifter is jn it. 
 
 AIL Very fine ! Invaluable ! 
 
 Puff. Where is de Hercules 1 Calf? Upon my 
 Word 'tis a very large Calf; big, big, big, all de 
 Way up, all de Way down. 
 
 Lord believe this Hercules was an Irijh Man. 
 
 .AW. But where are your Bufts ? Here, here; 
 Gentlemen ; here's a Curiofity ; a Medal ofOriuna, 
 got for me by Do6lor Mummy ; the only one in the 
 vifible World ; there may be fome under Ground ! 
 
 Lord. Fine, indeed ! Will you permit me to, 
 tafte it ? It has the Relifli. (All tafte* 
 
 Ncv. The Relifh ! 'Zooks it coft me a hundred 
 Guineas. 
 
 Puff. By Gar, it is a dear Bit tho'. 
 
 AW. So you may think j but three Times the 
 Money fhould not purchafe it. 
 
 Lord. Pray, Sir, whofe Buft is it that dignifies 
 this Coin ? 
 
 AW. The Emprefs Oriuna, my Lord. 
 
 Lord. And who, Sir, might {he be ? I don't re- 
 colleft to have heard of the Lady before. 
 
 Nov. She, my Lord ? Oh ! fhe was a kind of a 
 What-dy'e-caU'em a Sort of a Queen, or Wife, 
 or fomething or other to fome body, that liv'd a 
 damn'd while ago Mummy told me the whole 
 Story ; but before Gad, I've forgot it. But come, 
 theBufts. 
 
 Canto.
 
 TASTE. at 
 
 Canto. Bring forward the Head from 
 Now Gentlemen, here is a Jewel. 
 
 411 Ay, ay, let's fee. 
 
 Canto. 'Tis not entire, tho'. 
 
 Nov. So much the better. 
 
 Canto. Right, Sir the very Mutilations of this 
 Piece are worth all the moft perfect Performances 
 pf modern Artifts Now, Gentlemen, here's a 
 Touchftone for your Tafte ! 
 
 AIL Great ! great, indeed ! 
 
 Nov. Great ! Amazing ! Divine ! Oh, let me 
 embrace the dear difmember'd Buft ! a little farther 
 off. I'm ravifhed ! lam tranfported ! What an 
 Attitude ! But then the Locks ! How I adore the 
 Simplicity of the Antients ! How unlike, the pre- 
 fent priggifh, prick- ear'd Puppets ! How graceful- 
 ly they fall all adown the Cheek ! fo decent, and fo 
 grave, and Who the Pevil do you think it is, 
 Brujh ?* Is it a Man or a Woman ? 
 
 Canto. The ConnoifTeurs differ. Some will have 
 it to be the Jupiter Tonans of Phidias, and others 
 the Venus of Pathos from Praxiteles -, but I don't 
 think it fierce enough for the firft, nor handfome 
 enough for the laft. 
 
 Nov. Yes, handfome enough. 
 
 All. Very handfome ; handfome enough. 
 
 Canto. Not quite therefore I am inclined to 
 join with Signer Julio de PampediUo, who, in a 
 Treatife dedicated to the King of the Two Suilies* 
 calls it the Serapis of the ^Egyptians, and fuppofes 
 it to have been fabricated about Eleven Hundred 
 and Three Years before the Mofaic Account of the 
 Creation. 
 
 Nov. Prodigious ! and I dare fwear true. 
 
 Alh
 
 si TASTE. 
 
 Ml> Oh true, very true. 
 
 Puff. Upon my Honour, 'tis a very fine Buft ; 
 But where is de Nofe ? 
 
 Nov. The Nofe , what care I for the Nofe ; 
 Where is de Nofe ? Why, Sir, if it had a Nofe I 
 would not give Sixpence for it How the Devil 
 fhould we diftinguiih the Works of the Antients, if 
 
 they were perfcd ? The Nofe, indeed I Why I 
 
 don't fuppofe now, but, barring the Nofe, Roubi- 
 
 liac could cut as good a Head every Whit 
 
 Bruft), who is this man with his Nofe ? The Fel- 
 low fl:ou'd know fomeching of fomething too, for 
 he fpeaks broken Evglijb. 
 
 Brufo. It is Mynheer Groningen, a great Con- 
 noifieur in Painting. 
 
 Nov. That may be, but as to Sculpture, I am his 
 very humble Servant. A Man muft know damn'd 
 little of Statuary, that diflikes a Bull for want of a 
 Nofe. 
 
 Canto. Right, Sir The Nofe itfelf without the 
 Head, nay, in another's Pofleffion, would be an 
 Eftate But here are behind Gentlemen and Ladies, 
 an Equeftrian Statue of Marcus Aurelus without the 
 Horfe; and a complete Statue of the Emperor Tra- 
 jan, with only the Head and Legs milling; both 
 
 from Herculaneum. This Way, Gentlemen 
 
 and Ladies. 
 
 Enter Lady Pentweazel, Alderman, and Caleb. 
 
 Lady. Now, Mr. Pentweazel, let us have none 
 of your Bloiv bladder Breeding. Remember you are 
 at the Court end of the Town'. This is a Quality 
 Auction. 
 
 Aid. Where of Courfe nothing is fold that is ufe- 
 ftil I am tutor 'd, fweet Honey. ' 
 
 Lady.
 
 TASTE. ij 
 
 Lady, Cakb, keep behind, and don't be med- 
 ling. Sir (-foBruJb. 
 
 Brujh. Your Picture, Ma'am. 
 
 Lady. I fhould be glad you would inform me if 
 there are any Lots of very fine old China. I find 
 the Quality are grown infinitely fond of it; and I am 
 willing to fhow the World, that we in the City have 
 Tafte. 
 
 Brujh. 'Tis a laudable Refolution, Ma'am, and, 
 I dare fay, Mr. Canto can fupport Blefs me what's 
 that ? (Caleb throws down a china Dijh* 
 
 Lady. That Boy, I fuppofe! Well, if the mit- 
 chievous Brat has not broke a and look how he 
 (lands Sirrah, Sirrah, did I not bid you not med- 
 dle ? Leave fucking your Thumbs. What, 
 
 I fuppofe you learnt that Trick of your Friend the 
 Monkey in the Waggon ? 
 
 Caleb. Indeed I did not go to do it, Mother. 
 
 Aid. Pr'ythee, fweet Honey, don't be fo paf- 
 fionate. W hat's done can't be undone. The Lois 
 is not great ; come, come. 
 
 Bru/b. Mr. Alderman is in the Right. The Affair 
 is a Trifle, but a Twenty Guinea Job. 
 
 Lady. Twenty Guineas \ You fhould have twen- 
 ty of my Teeth as 
 
 Canto. You mean if you had them Your Lady- 
 fhip does not know the Value of that Piece of China. 
 It is the right old Japan of the Peagreen Kind. 
 Lady Mandarin offer'd me, if I could match it, 
 Fourfcore Guineas for the Pair. 
 
 Lady. A fine Piece, indeed 1 
 
 Puff. Tis ver fine. 
 
 Caleb. Indeed, Father, I did not break it. 
 'Twas crack'd in the Middle, and fo fell a two in 
 my Hand. 
 
 Lady
 
 24 TASTE. 
 
 Lady. What, was it crack'd ? 
 
 Caleb. Yes indeed, Mother. 
 
 Lady. There, Gentlemen ! 
 
 Lcrd. Ma'am, I would willingly fet you right 
 in this Affair ; you don't feem acquainted with thefe 
 Kind of Things ; therefore I have the Honour to 
 tell you, that the Crack in the Middle is a Mark of 
 its Antiquity, and enhances its Value; and thefe 
 Gentlemen are, I dare fay, of the fame Opinion. 
 
 All. Oh, entirely. 
 
 Lady. You are all of a Gang, I think. A broken 
 Piece of China better than a whole one. 
 
 Lord. Ma'am, I never difpute with a Lady j 
 but this Gentleman has Tafte ; he is a Foreigner, 
 and fo can't be be thought prejudiced ; refer it to 
 him : the Day grows late, and I want the Auction 
 to begin* 
 
 Aid. Sweet Honey, leave it to the Gentleman, 
 
 Lady. Well, Sir? 
 
 Puff. Ma'am, J love to ferve de Lady. 'Tis a 
 ver fine Piece of China. I was fee fuch another 
 Piece fell at dmfterdam for a hundred Ducats. 'Tis 
 ver well worth twenty Guinea. 
 
 Caleb. Mother ! Father ! Never flir if that 
 Gentleman ben't the fame that we faw at the Paint- 
 ing Man's, that was fo zivil to Mother only he has 
 got a black Wig on, and fpeaks outlandifh. I'll be 
 fur enough if it e'nt a May-game. 
 
 Lady. Let me die but the Boy's in the Right. 
 My Dear, as L'm alive, Mr. Puffy that we faw at the 
 Limner's. I told you he was a more cleverer Man 
 than I ever faw. Caleb is right j fome Matter of 
 Merriment, I warrant. 
 
 Puff. I wifh it was. (dfide.) I no underftand. 
 
 Cantt*
 
 T A S T E. 25 
 
 Canto. So, Matter Pttff, you are caught. {Afide. 
 
 Lord. This is a moft unfortunate old Lady. 
 
 Ma'am, you are here under another miftake. 
 
 This is Mynheer Baron de 
 
 Lady. Mynheer Figs-ends. Can't I believe 
 my own Eyes ? What, do you think, becaufe we 
 live in the City, we can't fee ? 
 
 Nov. Fire me, my Lord, there may be more 
 in this than we can guefs. It's worth examining 
 into. Come, Sir, if you are Mynheer, who the 
 Devil knows you ? 
 
 Puff. I was now maifter Canto mightily. 
 Nov. Mr. Canto, do you know this Baron ? 
 Canto. I fee the Dog will be detected, and now 
 is my time to be even with him for his Rounds of 
 Beef and roafting Pigs. (Aftde.) I can't fay I 
 ever faw the Gentleman before. 
 Nov. Oh! oh! 
 
 Lord- The Fellow is an Impoftor ; a palpable 
 Cheat. Sir, I think you came" from the Rhine ; 
 pray, how mould you like walking into the Thames? 
 Nov. Or what think you, my Lord ? The 
 Rafcal complain'd but now that the Buft wanted 
 a Nofe; fuppofe we were to fupply the De* 
 ficiency with his ? 
 
 Lord. But Juftice, Mr. Novice. 
 Canto. Great Rafcal, indeed, Gentlemen. If 
 Rogues of this Stamp get once a Footing in thefe 
 Afiemblies, adieu to all moral Honefty. I think 
 an Example mould be made of him. But, were 
 I to advife, he is a properer Subject for the Rabble 
 to handle than the prefent Company. 
 
 All Away with him 
 
 Puff.
 
 26 TASTE. 
 
 Puff. Hands off. If I mufl fuffer, 'it (hall not 
 be fingly. Here is the obfequious Mr. Brujb, 
 and the very courtly Mr. Canto, {hall be the 
 Partners of my Diftrefs. Know then, we all are 
 Rogues, if the taking Advantage of the Absurdities 
 and Follies of Mankind can be calPd Roguery. I 
 own I have been a Cheat, and I glory in it. But 
 what Point will you Virtuofi, you C.onnoiffeurs, 
 gain by the Detection ? Will not the publishing of 
 our Crimes trumpet forth your Folly ? 
 
 Lord. Matchlefs Impudence ! 
 
 Puff, My noble Lord here the Dilettanti, the 
 Curieuy. the Precieu of this Nation, what Infinite 
 Glory will he acquire from this Story, that the 
 Leo, the Mec<enas, the Petronius, notwithstanding 
 his exquifite Tafte, has been drawn in 'to purchafe, 
 at an immenfe Expence, a Cart-load of Rubbifh I 
 
 Lord. Gentlemen and Ladies I have the 
 Honour to take my leave. 
 
 Puff. Your Lordmip's mod obedient When 
 fliall I fend your Corregio, your St. Anthony of 
 Padua, ypur Ram Cat, my good Lord ? 
 . Lord. Rafcal! (Exit. 
 
 Nov. This won't do, Sir. Tho, my Lord has 
 not Spirit enough, damn me if I quit you. 
 
 Puff. What, my fprightly Squire ! Pray favour 
 me with a Sight of your Oriuna. It has the Relifhj 
 an Indifputable Antique ; being a Briftol Fathing, 
 coin'd by a Soap-boiler to pay his Journeymen in 
 the Scarcity or Cafh, * and purchafed for Two- 
 pence of a travelling Tinker by, Sir, your humble 
 Servant, Timothy Puff. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Nov. My Oriuna a Brijtol Farthing) 
 
 Pvjf. Moft affuredly. 
 
 Nov.
 
 TASTE. 17 
 
 Nov. I'll be revcng'd Going 
 
 Puff. Stay, ftay, and take your Buft, my fweet 
 Squire; your Serapis. Two Heads, they fay, 
 arc better than one ; lay them together. But the 
 Locks ! how gracefully they fall all adown ! fo 
 decent, and fo ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 AW. Confound you ! 
 
 Puff. Why, Sir, if it had a Nofe, I would not 
 give Sixpence for it -Pray, how many Years 
 before the Creation was it fabricated, Squire ? 
 
 Nov. I fhall live to fee you hang'd, you Dog* 
 
 (Exit. 
 
 Ptfjff. Nay, but, Squire ; ha, ha, ha ! Now, 
 
 Madam, to your Ladyfhip I come ,- to whofe Dif- 
 cernment, aided by the Sagacity of your Son Caleb, 
 1 owe my Difcovery. 
 
 Aid. Look you, don't think to abufe my Lady. 
 I am one of the 
 
 Puff. Quorum I know it, Mr. Alderman ; but 
 I mean to ferve your Worfhip by humbling a little 
 the Vanity of your Wife. 
 
 Lady. Come along, Chuck. I'll not ftay to 
 hear the rafcality of the Fellow. 
 
 Puff Oh, my Lady Pentweazle, correct the 
 Severity of that Frown, left you fhould have more 
 of the Medufa than the Medicis in your Face. 
 
 Lady. Saucy Jackanapes ! 
 
 Pvff. What, then, 1 have quite loft my City 
 Acquaintance ; why, I've promiied all my Friends 
 Tickets for my Lord Mayor's Ball, through your 
 Ladyfhip's Intereft. 
 
 Lady. My intereft, indeed, for fuch a 
 
 Puff. If Blowbladder-ftreet has any Charms 
 Sir- Ma'am Not a ftep The fineft Gentleman ! 
 
 ha, ha,
 
 28 TASTE. 
 
 ha, ha, ha IAnd what can you fay for yourfel 
 you cowardly ill-looking Rafcal ? (to Canto.) 
 Defert your Friend at the firft Pinch -your Ally 
 - your Partner No Apology, Sir I have done 
 with you. From Poverty and Shame I took you j to 
 that I reftore you. Your Crime be your Punifh- 
 ment. (Turning to the Audience.) 
 
 Could I be as fecure from the Cenfure of this Af* 
 fembly as I am fafe from the Refentment of Dupe, 
 tfovice> Squander ; from the alluring Baits of my 
 amorous City Lady ; and the dangerous Combina- 
 tion of my falfe Friend I mould be happy. 
 
 'Tis from your Sentence lexpeft my Fate ; 
 Tour Voice atone my Triumph can comflcte* 
 
 FINIS.
 
 THE 
 
 Englijhman in Paris. 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 IN TWO ACTS, 
 
 As it is performed at the 
 
 THEATRE-ROYAL in Drury-Lane. 
 
 Written by SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq ; 
 
 THE FOURTH EDITION. 
 
 LONDON; 
 
 Printed for T. and W. LOWNDES, No. 77, Flect-Street. 
 
 MDCCLXXXIII. 
 
 [ Price One Shilling. ] 
 1 Q ,1 ft ? K 
 
 JL O 7 U (LT
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 I 
 
 Lui.T vA 
 
 > alii ]
 
 MY Bookfeller informs me, that the Bulk 
 of his Readers, regarding in a Work of 
 this Kind the Quantity more than the Quality, 
 will not be contented without an additional 
 Half-Sheet ; and he apprehends that a fhort 
 Dedication will anfwer the Purpofe. 
 
 But as I have no Obligations to any great 
 Man or Woman in this Country, and as 1 will 
 take care that no Production of mine mall 
 want their Patronage, I don't know anyPeribn 
 whofe good Offices I fa much flood in need 
 of as my Bookfeller's : Therefore, Mr,. 
 VAILLANT, I think myfelf obliged to you 
 for the Correctnefs of the Prefs, the Beauty of 
 the Type, and the Goodnefs of the Paper* 
 with which you have decorated this Work 
 of 
 
 Tour bumble 
 
 PALL-MALL, 
 
 psii 21, 1755, SAM. FOOTED 
 
 A 2
 
 PROLOGUE, 
 
 Between Mr. MACKLIN and his WIFE. 
 
 SHE. ^Tp coxtradia me f Blockhead ! Ideal / 
 J. Fool! Sot! 
 
 HE. But amid/l tbefe bard Names , our Difpute is 
 
 forgot. 
 
 To contradict you I know is Higb-Treafon ; 
 For the Will of a Wife is always her Reafon. 
 
 SHE. A r <?, Sir, far once, I' /I give up my Pretenjion, 
 And fubmit to the Pit our Caufe of DiJ/ention. 
 
 HE. I agree ; for the Pit is our natural Lord. 
 LADIES, +*> - - - 
 
 SHE. Hey / How come you to claim the firjl Word? 
 GENTLEMEN, my Hufband and I have bad a Difpute y 
 Where the Difference lies 'twixt a Man and a Bt ute j 
 Which we beg, whilft the Folks for the Farce are pre- 
 
 paring^ 
 
 You ivvuld pleafe to decide ', end give us the Hearing. 
 Hem.! Hem! 
 
 After Plutarch of Rome ! and Virgil of Greece ! 
 And Iliads, and Eniends, and Authsn like tbefe ; 
 J boldly affirm, deny it who can^ 
 That in Laughter con/i/fs the true Ejfence of Man : 
 Whtlft my Hujband 
 
 HE. ATtfy, pray let mejlite my own Cafe,] 
 
 And I'll m&ke it as clear as the Nofe in your Face, > 
 
 That H -fling in Man prefer ves the fir ft Place. J 
 
 To begin then with Critics : '~Tis their capitil Blifs^ 
 Than to laugh don't you find it more pleafing to hifs ? 
 In tnis all agree\ Jews! Infidels! Turks I 
 
 SHE. I grant it, fcueet Sir, if you mean at your 
 
 Works. 
 
 Yet even ''gain/I that I've a potent Objeclion j 
 For every Rule Jlill has its Exception : 
 Tho they h:js'd at your Farces, your Pafquin, and Stuff^ 
 At your Tragedy jure they laugh 'a heart} enough. 
 
 Anl
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 And again-, Mr. Wifeman^ regard the World round \ 
 'Tis in Mankind alone that Laughter is found ; 
 Whilft your favourite HiJ/ing, fage Sir, if you plcufe, 
 You enjoy but in common with Serpents and Geefe. 
 
 SHE. And arnt you a/homed ('tis no Time to difTem- 
 
 ble,) 
 O Critics ! thefe Creatures in this to refemble ? 
 
 HE. Net a Jot j in this Place 'tis of fingular Ufe, 
 Of bad Poets and Players to reform toe A'oufe. 
 In the PraEtice^ kind Sirs ! were I fit to advife, "| 
 The HiJJing like Geefe I would have ysu dtfpife, > 
 jfnd copy the Serpent^ - be fubtle and wife^ j 
 But free from his Venom, -- Well, Sirs ! what d'ye 
 
 fay? 
 Is your Judgment -- 
 
 SHE. ------ Let us wait 'till the End of tht 
 
 Play: 
 
 In the Progrefs of that wejhall eafily find^ 
 Whether Laughing or Hijfing is mojl to their Mind, 
 
 HE. / 'm fure they will hifs. 
 
 SHE. And I hope they'll be kind. 
 
 A3 DRA-
 
 > R A M A T I S P E R S O N M-. 
 
 Bu c K, 
 
 Mr, Palmer. 
 
 Sir JOHN BUCK, Mr. Wright en* 
 
 SUBTLE, Mr. Waldron. 
 
 CLASSIC, Mr. Packer* 
 
 MAR Q^U i s, Mr. Lamajh* 
 
 Dancing-Matter, Mr, / 
 
 ROGER, Mr. Griffith. 
 
 Mrs. SUBTLE, 
 Luc i N D A. 
 
 Mrs. 
 Mifs. C*/fe/. 
 
 t &e.
 
 THE 
 
 r i(hman in Paris, 
 
 ACT I. SCENE I. 
 
 Enter Mr. SUBTLE and Mr. CLASSIC. 
 
 Mr. SUBTLE. 
 
 WELL, well, that may be -, but ftill 
 I fay that a Frenchman- 
 
 Clqffic. Is a Fop 5 it is their national 
 Difeafe ; not one of the Qualities for which 
 you celebrate them, but owes its Origin to 
 a Foible ; their Tafte is Trifling, their Gai- 
 ety Grimace, and their Politenefs Pride. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Hey-dey ! Why what the Duce 
 brings you to Paris then ? 
 
 C/aff. A Debt to Friendship; not but I 
 think a fhort Residence here a very necef- 
 fary Part in every Man of Fashion's Edu- 
 cation. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Where's the Ufe ? 
 
 Claff. In giving them a true Relim fof 
 their own domeftic Happinefs, a proper ve- 
 neration for their national Liberties ; a con- 
 tempt for Adulation; and an Honour for 
 the extended, generous Commerce of their 
 Country. 
 
 A 4 ' Mr*
 
 8 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mr. Sub. Why there, indeed, you have 
 the preference, Mafter Claffic ; the Traders 
 here are a fharp S^tj cozening People; 
 Foreigners are their Food j Civilities with 
 a Aye ! aye ! a Congee for a Crown, and 
 a Shrug for a Shilling; devilifh dear, Matter 
 Claffic^ devihth dear. 
 
 Ciaff. To avoid their Exactions, we are, 
 Mr Siitrf/e, recommended to your Protec- 
 tion. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Aye ! and wifely they did who 
 recommended you : Buy nothing but on 
 mine or my Lady's Recommendation, and 
 you are fafe. But where was your Charge ? 
 Wnere was Mr. Buck iaft Night ? My 
 Lady ciade a Party at Cards on purpofe for 
 him, and my Ward Lucinda is mightily 
 taken with him 3 me longs to fee him 
 again. 
 
 C/aJJ. I am afraid with the fame Set his 
 Father fent him hither to avoid j but we 
 rr.uft endeavour to intpire him with a Tafle 
 for the Gallantries of this Cou^t, and his 
 Paffion for the lower Amufements of ours 
 will ciiminim of Courfe. 
 
 Mr. Sub. All the Fraternity of . Men- 
 makers are for that Purpofe without ; Tay- 
 lors, Peruquiers, Hatters, Hofiers *Is not 
 that Mr. Buck's Englifi Servant ? 
 
 . 
 
 Enter Roger. 
 
 Claf. Oh ! aye, honcft Rcger. So, the 
 
 old
 
 I N P A R I & 9 
 
 old Doings, Roger-, what time did your 
 Matter come Home ? 
 
 Rog. Between Five and Six, pummell'd 
 to a Jelly : Here been two of his old Com- 
 rades follow'd un already ; I count we mall 
 ha' the whole Gang in a Se'nnight. 
 
 Claff. Comrades, who ? 
 
 Rog. Dick Daylight and Bob Ereadbajket 
 the Bruifers : They all went to the Shew to- 
 gether, where they had the Devil to pay; 
 belike they had been fent to Bridewell, 
 hadn't a great Gentleman in a blue String 
 come by and releas'd them. I hear Matter's 
 Bell ; do, Mafter Claffic, (rep up and talk 
 to'un ; he's now fober, and may hearken 
 to Reafon. 
 
 Claf. I attend him. Mr. Subtle, you 
 won't be out of the Way. 
 
 Mr. Sub. I mall talk a little with the 
 Tradefmen. A fmoaky Fellow this Claffic-, 
 but if Lucinda plays her Cards well, we 
 have not much to fear from that Quarter : 
 Contradiction feems to be the Life and Soul 
 of young Buck. A tolerable Expedition this, 
 
 if it fucceeds Fleece the Younker ! 
 
 Pfhaw, that's a Thing of Courfe ! but by 
 
 his Means to get rid of Lucinda, and fe- 
 
 curely pocket her Patrimony j aye I that 
 
 indeed 
 
 Enter Mrs. Subtle. 
 
 Oh ! Wife ! Have you open'd the Plot ? 
 Does the Girl come into it greedily, hey ? 
 
 Mrs.
 
 lo THE. ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mrs. Sub. A little fqucamim at firft ; but 
 I have opened her Eyes. Never fear, my 
 Dear, fooner or later Women will attend 
 to their Intereft. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Their Intereft ! aye, that's true; 
 but confider, my Dear, how deeply our own 
 Intereft is concern'd, and let that quicken 
 your Zeal. 
 
 Mr. Sub. D'ye think I am blind ? But 
 the Girl has got fuch whimfical Notions of 
 Honour, and is withal fo decent and mo- 
 deft : I wonder where the duce me got it ; 
 t am fure it was not in my Houfe. 
 
 Mr. Sub. How does me like Buck's Per- 
 fon ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Well enough ! But prythee, 
 Hufband, leave her to my Management* 
 and confider we have more Irons in the Fire 
 than one. Here is the Marquis de Soleil to 
 
 meet Madam de Farde to Night, and 
 
 where to put 'em, unlefs we can have Buck's 
 Apartment Oh ! by the bye, has Count Cog 
 fent you your Share out of Mr. Puntwell's 
 Lofings a Thurfday ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. I intend calling on him this 
 Morning. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Don't fail ! He's a flipper? 
 Chap you know. 
 
 ' Mr. Sub. There's no fear. Well, but our 
 pretty Countrywoman lays about her hand- 
 
 fomely ! Ha! Hearts by Hundreds! 
 
 Hum ! 
 
 Mrs.
 
 I N P A R 1 S. n 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Aye ! that's a noble Prize, if 
 we could but manage her j but {he's fo in- 
 difcreet, that {he'll be blown before we have 
 made half our Market. I am this Morning 
 to give Audience on her Score, to two 
 Counts and a foreign Minifter. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Then flrike whilft the Iron's 
 hot : But they'll be here before I can talk 
 to my People ; fend 'em in prythee. 
 
 Enter Tradefmen. 
 
 Mr. Sub. So, Gentlemen; Oh! hu& f 
 we are interrupted : If they a{k for your 
 Bills, you have left them at Home. 
 
 Enter Buck, Claffic, and Roger. 
 
 Buck. Ecod, I don't know how it ended, 
 but I remember how it begun. Oh ! Ma- 
 fter Subtle, how do'ft, old Buck, hey ? Give'* 
 thy Paw ! And little Lucy how fares it with 
 (he ? Hum 1 
 
 Mr. Sub. What has been the Matter, 
 Squire ? Your Face feems a little in Defha- 
 bille. 
 
 Buck. A Touch of the Times, old Boy f 
 a fmall Skirmifli ; after I was down tho', a 
 Set of cowardly Sons of ~ ; there's Georg* 
 and I will box any iive fqr their Sam. 
 
 Mr. Sub. But how -happen'd it ? Ths 
 French are generally civil to ftrangers. 
 
 Buck. Qh 1 damn'd civil ! to fall fevenor 
 
 eight
 
 12 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 eight upon three : Seven or eight ! Ecod we 
 had the whole Houfe upon us at laft. 
 
 Mr. Sub. But what had you done ? 
 
 Buck. Done ! Why nothing at all ! But 
 Wounds ! how the Powder flew about, and 
 the Monlieurs fcour'd. 
 
 Mr. Sub. But what Offence had either 
 fney or you committed ? 
 
 Buck. Why I was telling Domine, laft 
 Night, Dick Daylight, Bob Breadbajket, and 
 I, were walking through one of their Rues 
 I think they call them here, they are Streets 
 in London-, but they have fuch devilim out- 
 of-the-way Names for Things, that there is 
 no remembering them : fo we fee Crowds 
 of People going into a Houfe, and Comedy 
 pafted over the Door ; in we troop'd with 
 the reft, pay'd our Cam, and fat down on 
 the Stage : prefently they had a Dance ; and 
 one of the young Women with long Hair 
 trailing behind her, ftood with her Back to 
 a Rail juft by me : Ecod what does me ! 
 for nothing in the World but a Joke, as I 
 hope for Mercy, but ties her Locks to the 
 Rail ; fo when 'twas her Turn to figure out, 
 foufe me flapp'd on her Back 5 'twas devilim 
 comical, but they fet up fuch an Uproar, 
 one whey-fac'd Son of a Bitch, that came to 
 loofe the Woman, turn'd up his Nofe, and 
 call'd me Bete ; Ecod, I lent him a Lick in 
 his Lanthorn Jaws, that will make him re- 
 member the Spawn of old Marlborough^ I 
 
 war-
 
 IN P A R I S. 15 
 
 warrant him. Another came up to fecond 
 him, but I let drive at the Mark, made the 
 Soup- Maigre rumble in his Bread-bafket, 
 and laid him fprawling. Then in pour'd a 
 Million of them ; I was knock'd down in a 
 trice ; and what happen'd after I know no 
 more than you. But where's Lucy ? I'll go 
 fee her. 
 
 C/aJ/l Oh fie ! Ladies are treated here 
 with a little more Ceremony : Mr. Subtle too 
 has collt&ed thefe People, who are to equip 
 you for the converfation of the Ladies. 
 
 Buck. Wounds ! all thefe ! What, Mr. 
 Subtle, thefe are" Mounfeeres too I fuppofe ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. No ! Squire, they are Englijh- 
 men. Fafliion has ordain'd, that as you em- 
 ploy none but Foreigners at home, you muft 
 take up with your own Countrymen here. 
 
 Clajj\ It is not in this Inftance alone we 
 are particular, Mr. Subtle; I have obferv'd 
 many of our pretty Gentlemen, who con- 
 defcend to ufe entirely their native Lan- 
 guage here, fputter nothing but bad French 
 in the Side-boxes at Home. 
 
 Buck. Look you, Sir, as to you, and 
 your Wife, and Mifs Lucy, I like you all 
 well enough -, but the Devil a good Thing 
 elfe have 1 feen fince I loft Sight of Dover ; 
 the Men are all Puppies, mincing and 
 dancing, and chattering, and grinning; the 
 Women a Parcel of painted Dolls : their 
 Food's fit for Hogs ; and as for their Lan- 
 guage, let them learn it that like it, I'll 
 
 none
 
 I 4 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 noneon'tj no, nor their Frippery neither: 
 So here you may all march to the place 
 
 from whence you Harkee ! What are 
 
 you an Englishman ? 
 
 Barber. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Buck. Domine ! look here, what a Mon^ 
 fter the Monkey has made of himfelf \ Sir- 
 rah, if your String was long enough, I'd 
 do your bufme'fs myfelf, you Dog, to fink 
 a bold Briton into fuch a fneaking, fnivel- 
 
 ling the Rafcal looks as if he had not 
 
 had a Piece of Beef and Pudding in his 
 Paunch thefe twenty Years; Til be hang'd 
 if the Rogue ha'nt been fed upon Frogs ever 
 fince he came over. Away with your 
 Trumpery ! 
 
 Claff. Mr. Buck, a Compliance with the 
 Cuftoms of the Country in which we live, 
 where neither o>ir Religion or Morals are 
 concern'd, is a Duty we owe ourfelves. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Betides, Squire, Lucinda ex- 
 pects that you fhould ufher her to public 
 Places, which it would be impoffible to do 
 in that Drefs. 
 
 Buck. Why not ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. You'd be mobb'd. 
 
 Buck. Mobb'd ! I (hould be glad to fee 
 
 that. No! no! they ha'nt Spirit enough 
 
 to mob here; but come, fince thefe Fellows 
 here are Englifi, and it is the Famion, try 
 on your Fooleries. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Mr. Daufbine^ come produce 
 
 Vpos
 
 IN PARIS. i $ 
 
 Upon my Word, in an elegant Tafte, 
 Sir : this Gentleman has had the Honour 
 
 Daupb. To work for all the Beaux E(- 
 prits of the Court. My good Fortune com- 
 menc'd by a fmali Alteration in a Cut of the 
 Corner of the Sleeve for Count Crib ; but 
 the Addition of a ninth Plait in the Skirt of 
 Marfhal rfonerre, was applauded by Madam 
 la Duchefs Rambouillet, and totally efta- 
 blifh'd the Reputation of your humble Ser- 
 vant. 
 
 Buck. Hold your Jaw and difpatch. 
 
 Mr. Sub. A Word with you 1 don't 
 
 think it impoffible to get you acquainted 
 with Madam de Rambouillet. 
 
 Buck. An't (he a Papift ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. Undoubtedly. 
 
 Buck. Then I'll ha* nothing to fay to her. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Oh fie ! Who minds the Reli- 
 gion of a pretty Woman ? Befides, all this 
 Country are of the fame. 
 
 Buck. For that Reafon I don't care how 
 foon I get out of it : Come, let's get rid of 
 you all as foon as we can. And what are 
 you, hey ? 
 
 Barb. Je fuis Peruquier, Monfieur. 
 
 Buck. Speak Englijh, you Son of a 
 Whore. 
 
 Barb. I am a Peri wig- maker, Sir. 
 
 Buck. Then why could not you fay fo at 
 firfl ? What are you afham'd of your Mo- 
 ther Tongue ? I knew this Fellow was a 
 
 Puppy
 
 16 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Puppy by his Pig-tail. Come, let's fee your 
 handy Work. 
 
 Barb. As I found you were in a Hurry, 
 I have brought you.. Sir, fomething; that 
 wiii do tor the prelent : But a Peruque 
 is a different Outrage, another Sort of a 
 Thing here, from what it i s en Angleterre \ 
 we mud confult the Colour ot the Com- 
 plexion, and the Tour de Vifage^ the Form 
 of the .Face ; for which end, it will he ne- 
 ceffary to regard your Countenance in dif- 
 ferent Lights : A little to the Right, if 
 you pleale. 
 
 Buck. Why you Dog, d'ye think I'll fub- 
 mit to be c^ercifed by you ? 
 
 Barb. Oh mon Dieu ! Monfieur, if you 
 don't, it will be impoffible to make your 
 Wig comme II font. 
 
 Buck. Sirrah, fpeak another French Word, 
 and I'll kick you down flairs. 
 
 Barb. Gad's Curfe!- Would you re- 
 femble fome of your Countrymen, who, at 
 their firft Importation with nine Hairs of 
 a Side to a brawny Pair of Cheeks, look like 
 a Saracen's Head ! Or elfe their Water-gruel 
 Jaws, funk in a Thicket of Curls, appear, 
 for all the World, like a Lark in a Soup- 
 dim ! 
 
 Mr. Sub. Come, Squire, fubmit -, 'tis but 
 for once. 
 
 Buck. Well, what muft I do ? 
 
 [Places him in a Chair. 
 
 Barb:
 
 I N P A R 1 S. 17 
 
 Barb. To the Right, Sir -, now to the 
 Left; now your Full; and now, Sir, I'll 
 do your Bufinefs. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Look at yourfeif a little ; fee 
 what a Revolution this has occafion'd in 
 your whole Figure. 
 
 Buck. Yes ! a bloody pretty Figure in- 
 deed ! But 'tis a Figure I am damnably 
 afham'd of: I would not be feen by Jack 
 Wildfire or Dick Riot for fifty Pounds, in 
 this Trim, for all that. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Uport my Honour, Drefs greatly 
 improves you. Your Opinion, Mr. Claffic. 
 
 Claff. They do mighty well, Sir ; and in 
 a little Time Mr. Buck will be eafy in them. 
 
 Buck. Shall I ! I am glad on't, for I am 
 damnably uneafy at prefent, Mr. Subtle. 
 What muft I do now ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. Now, Sir, if you'll call upon 
 my Wife, you'll find Lucinda with her, and 
 I'll wait on you prefently. 
 
 Buck. Come along, Domine ! But harkee, 
 Mr. Subtle, I'll out of my Tramels, when 
 I hunt with the King. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Well ! V/ell ! 
 
 Buck. I'll on with my Jemmys ; none of 
 your black Bags and Jack Boots for me. 
 
 Mr. Sub. No ! No ! 
 
 Buck. I'll {hew tjiem the Odds on't! 
 Old Silver-Tail! I will ! Hey ! 
 
 Mr. Sub. Ay ! ay ! 
 
 Buck. Hedge, Stake, or Stile ! over we ^o! 
 B Mr.
 
 i8 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mr. Sub. Ay I but Mr. Claffic waits. 
 
 Buck. But d'ye think they'll follow ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. Oh no ! Impoffible ! 
 
 Buck. Did I tell you what a Chace me 
 carry 'd me laft Cbriftmas Eve ? We unken- 
 nell'd at . 
 
 Mr. Sub. I am bufy now ; at any other 
 Time. 
 
 Buck. You'll follow us. I have fent for 
 my Hounds and Horfes. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Have you ? 
 
 Buck. They (hall mata the Tour of Eu- 
 rope with me : And then there's Tom At- 
 ktm the Huntfman, the two Whippers-in, 
 and little Joey the Groom comes with them. 
 Dammy, what a ftrange Place they'll think 
 this ? But no Matter for that ; then we fhall 
 be Company enough of ourfelves. But 
 you'll follow us in ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. In ten Minutes ! An imper- 
 tinent Jackanapes ! But I mail foon ha' done 
 with him. So, Gentlemen ; well, you fee 
 we have a good Subject to work upon. 
 Harkee, Dauphine, I muft have more than 
 20 per Cent, out of that Suit. 
 
 Dauph. Upon my Soul, Mr. Subtle, I 
 can't. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Why I have always that upon 
 new. 
 
 Dauph. New ! Sir ! Why as I hope to be 
 
 Mr. Sub. Come, don't lie j don't damn 
 yourfelf, Daupbine , don't be a Rogue 5 did 
 
 not
 
 I N P A R I S. 19 
 
 not I fee at Madam Fripon's that Waiftcoat 
 and Sleeves upon Colonel Crambo ? 
 
 Daupb. As to the Waiftcoat and Sleeves, 
 
 I own-* but for the Body and Lining 
 
 may I never fee 
 
 Mr. Sub. Come, don't be a Scoundrel 5 
 five and thirty, or I've done. 
 
 Daupb. Well, if I muft,. I mud. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Oh ! Solitaire ! I can't pay that 
 
 Draft of Mr. thefe fix Weeks ; I want 
 
 Money. 
 
 Soli. Je fuis dans Ic meme cas Je 
 
 Mr. Sub. What d'ye mutiny, Rafcal ? 
 About your Bufinefs, or- 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 I muft keep thefe Fellows under, or I 
 fhall have a fine Time on't ; they know they 
 can't do without me. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Subtle. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. The Calais Letters ! my Dear.' 
 Mr. Sub. (reads) Ah ! ah ! Calais- the 
 Dover Packet arrived laft Night* Loading 
 as follows : Six Taylors, ditto Barbers, five 
 Milliners, bound for Pan's to ftudy Fafhionsy 
 four Citizens come to fettle here for a Month 
 by way of feeing the Country ; ditto their 
 Wives j ten French Valets, with nine; Cooks, 
 all from Newgate, where they had been 
 fent for robbing their Mafters ; nine Figure* 
 dancers, exported in September ragged and 
 Jean, imported well clad and in good Cafe j 
 B 2 twelve
 
 20 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 twelve Dogs, ditto Bitches, with two Mon- 
 kies, and a Litter of Puppies, from Mother 
 Midnight's in the Haymarket : A precious 
 Cargo {Poftfcnpt. One of the Coafters 
 is juft put in, with his Grace the Duke of 
 
 , my Lord , and an old Gentleman, 
 
 whofe Name I can't learn. Gadfo ! Well, 
 my Dear, I muft run, and try to fecure thefe 
 Cuftomers ; there's no Time to be loft : 
 Mean while 
 
 Enter Claffic. 
 
 So, Mafter Clajjic^ what have you left 
 the young Couple together ? 
 
 CkJJ. They want your Ladymip's Pre- 
 fence, Madam, for a mort Tour to the 
 Tuilleries. I have received fome Letters 
 which I muft anfwer immediately. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Oh ! Well ! Well ! no Cere- 
 mony j we are all of a family you know. 
 Servant.- [Exit. 
 
 CLif. Roger ! 
 
 Enter Roger. 
 
 Rog. Anon ! 
 
 Claff. I have juft received a Letter from 
 your old Mafter ; he was landed at Calais, 
 and will be this Evening at Paris. It is ab- 
 folutely necelfary that this Circumftance 
 ihould be conceal'd from his Son; for which 
 Purpol'e you muft wait at the Piccardy 
 Gate, and deliver a Letter I (hall give you, 
 into his own Hand. 
 
 Ring.
 
 IN P A R I S. 21 
 
 Rog> I'll warrant you. 
 
 ClaJ\ But, Roger, be fecret. 
 
 Rog. Oh ! lud ! Never you fear ! 
 
 Claff". So, Mr. Subtle, I fee your Aim. 
 A pretty Lodging we have hit upon ; the 
 Miftrefs a Commode, and the A/Liter a - 
 But who can this Ward be ? Poffibly the 
 neglected Punk of fome riotous Man of 
 Quality, 'Tis lucky Mr. Buck's Father is 
 arriv'd, or my Authority would prove but 
 an inefficient Match for my Pupil's Obfti- 
 nacy. This mad Boy ! How difficult, how 
 difagrceable a Taflc have I undertaken ? And 
 how general, yet how dangerous an Expe- 
 riment is it to expofe our Youth, in the very 
 Fire and Fury of their Blood, to ail the 
 Follies and Extravagance of this fantaftic 
 Court ? Far different was the prudent Prac- 
 tice of our Forefathers : 
 
 Theyfcorn'd ti truck, for bafe> unmanly Arts, 
 
 Their native Plainnefs, and their hone ft Hearts ; 
 
 Whene'er they deign d to vfa haughty France, 
 
 'Twas arrnd with bearded Dart, and pointed Lanct. 
 
 No pempous Pageants lur 'd their curious Eye, 
 
 No Charms for them had Fops or Flattery $ 
 
 Paris they knew, their Streamers wav'd around. 
 
 There Britons Jaw a Britifli Harry crown d. 
 
 Far ether Views attract our mcdrrn Race, ") 
 
 Trulls, Toupees, Trinkets^ Bags, Brocades, and Lace ; \ 
 
 A flaunting Form, and a fiflitisus Face, j 
 
 Rouje ! re-ajjume ! refuj'e a Gallic Reign, 
 
 Nor let their Arts win that their Arms could never gain. 
 
 End of the Firjl Aft. 
 
 B 3 ACT
 
 *a THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Enter Mr. Claflic and Roger. 
 
 ROGER. 
 
 OLD Matter's at a Coffee-houfe next 
 Street, and will tarry till you fend 
 for 'un. 
 
 Ckff. Bye and bye, in the Dufk, bring 
 him. up the back Stairs. You muft be care- 
 ful that nobody fees him. 
 
 Rog. I warrant you. 
 
 C/affl Let Sir John know, that I would 
 wait on him myfelf, but I don't think it 
 fafe to quit the Houfe an Inftant. 
 
 Rog. Ay, ay. [Exit Roger. 
 
 Clajj. I fuppofe, by this Time, Matters 
 are pretty well fettled within, and my Ab- 
 fence only wanted to accomplifh the Scene; 
 
 but I (hall take Care to -Oh ! Mr. 
 
 Subtle and his Lady. 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. Subtle. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Ohl delightfully ! Now, my 
 Deareft, I hope you will no longer difpute 
 my Abilities for forming a Female. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Never, never : How the Bag- 
 gage leer'd ! 
 
 Mrs.. Sub. And the Booby gap'd ! 
 
 Mr. Sub. So kind, and yet fo coy j fo free, 
 but then fo rdcrv'd : Oh ! (he has him ! 
 
 ' Mrs.
 
 I N P A R I S. 23 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Ay ! ay ! the Fim is hook'd ; 
 
 but then fafely to land him. Is Claffic 
 
 fufpicious ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. Not that I obferve j but the 
 Secret muft foon be blaz'd.- 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Therefore difpatch : I have laid 
 a Trap to enflame his Affedtion. 
 
 Mr. Sub. How ? 
 
 Mrs. Suh. He mall be treated with a Dif- 
 play of Lucy's Talents ; her iinging, danc- 
 ing. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Pfhaw ! hec finging and danc^ 
 ing ! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Ah ! you don't know, Huf- 
 band, half the Force of thefe Accomplim- 
 ments in a fafhionable Figure. 
 
 Mr. Sub.\ doubt her Execution. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. You have no Reafon j fl^e does 
 both well enough to flatter a Fool j efpe- 
 cially with Love for her fecond : Befides, J 
 fiave a Coup de Maitre, a fure Card, 
 
 Mr. Sub. What's that ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. A Rival. 
 
 Mr, Sub. Who ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. The Language- Matter : He 
 may be eafily equipt for the Expedition ; a 
 fecond-hand tawdry Suit of Cloaths .will 
 pafs him on our Countryman for a Marquis 5 
 and then, to excufe tus fpeaking our Lan- 
 guage fo well, he may* have been educated 
 early in England. But hum ! the Squire 
 approaches j don't feem to obferve him. 
 
 B 4 Enter
 
 24 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 Enter Buck. 
 
 For my Part, I never faw any Thing fo 
 alter'd iince I was born : In my Confcience, 
 I believe fhe's in Love with him. 
 Buck. Huih! [4ftde.] 
 Mr, Sub. D'ye think fo ? 
 Mrs. Sub. Why, where's the Wonder ? 
 He's a pretty, good - humour'd, fpfightly 
 Fellow ; and, for the Time, fuch an Im- 
 provement ! Why he wears his Cloaths as 
 eafily, and moves as genteely, as if he had 
 been at Paris thefe twenty Years. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Indeed ! How does he dance ? 
 Mrs. Sub, Why he has had but; three 
 Leflbns from MarftiJ, and he moves already 
 like Dupre. Oh ! three Months Stay here 
 will render him a perfect Model for the 
 Englifl 3 Court. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Gadfo! No wonder then, with 
 thefe Qualities, that he has caught the Heart 
 of my Ward ; but we muft take Care that 
 the Girl does nothing imprudent. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Oh ! difmifs your Fears ; her 
 Family, good Senfe, and, more than all, her 
 being educated under my Eye, render them 
 unneceflyry : Bciides, Mr. Buck is too much 
 
 a Man of Honour to 
 
 [ He interrupts them. "J 
 Buck. Damn me, if I an't. 
 Mrs. Sub. Bleis me ! Sir ! you here ! I 
 
 did not expect . 
 
 Buck.
 
 I N P A R 1 S. 25 
 
 Buck. I beg pardon j but all that I heard 
 was, that Mr. Buck was a Man of Honour. 
 I wanted to have fome Chat with you, 
 Madam, in private. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Then I'll withdraw. You fee 
 I dare truft you alone with my Wife. 
 
 Buck. So you may fafely ; I have other 
 Game in View. Servant, Mr. Subtle. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Now for a puzzling Scene ; I 
 long to know how he'll begin. Well, Mr. 
 Buck, your Commands with me, Sir. 
 
 Buck. Why, Madam, I ahI ah 
 but let's fhut the Door: I was, Madam, 
 ah ! ah ! Can't you guefs what I want 
 to talk about ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Not I, indeed, Sir. 
 
 Buck. Well, but try -, upon my Soul I'll 
 tell you if you're right. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. It will be impoffible for me to 
 divine.: But come, open a little. 
 
 Buck. Why, have you obferv'd nothing ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. About who ? 
 
 Buck. Why, about me ! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Yes j you are new-drefs'd, and 
 your Cloaths become you. 
 
 Buck. Yes ! Pretty well ; but it an't that, 
 
 Mrs. Sub. What is it ? 
 
 Buck. Why, ah ! ah !- Upon my Soul, 
 I can't bring it out. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Nay, then it's to no Purpofe 
 to wait: Write your Mind. 
 
 Buck. No ! No ! Stop a Moment, and 
 I will tell. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 16 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Be expeditious, then. 
 
 Buck. Why, I wanted to talk about Mifs 
 Lucinda. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. What of her ? 
 
 Buck. She's a bloody fine Girl 5 and I 
 fhould be glad to 
 
 Mrs. Sub. To- Blefs me ! What ! Mr. 
 Buck ! And in my Houie ! Oh ! Mr. Buck, 
 you have deceiv'd me ! Little did I think, 
 that, under the Appearance of fo much Ho- 
 nefty, vou could go to ruin the poor Girl. 
 
 Buck. Upon my Soul you're miftaken. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. A poor Orphan too ! Depriv'd 
 in her earlieft Infancy of a Father's Pru- 
 idence, and a Mother's Care. 
 
 Buck. Why I tell you 
 
 Mrs. Sub. So fweet, fo lovely an Inno- 
 cence ; her Mind as fpotlefs as her Per- 
 fon. 
 
 Buck. Hey-day ! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. And me, Sir ! Where had you 
 your Thoughts of me ? How dar'd you 
 fuppofe that I would connive at fuch a 
 
 Buck. The Woman's bewitch'd ! 
 
 -Mr s. Sub. I ! whole untainted Reputa- 
 tion the bliftering Tongue of Slander never 
 blafted. Full fifteen Years, in Wedlock's 
 facfed Bands, have I liv'd unreproach'd j 
 
 and now to 
 
 Buck. Odds Fury ! She's in Heroics ! 
 Mrs. Sub. And this from you too, whofe 
 fair Outfide and bewitching Tongue had fo 
 
 far
 
 IN PARIS 27 
 
 far lulPd my Fears, I dar'd have trufted all 
 mv Daughters, nay, myfelf too, fingly, with 
 you. 
 
 B.YL/&. Upon my Soul ! and fo you might 
 
 fafciv. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Well, Sir, and what have you 
 to uige in y r 'r Defence ? 
 
 /;wfl&. Oh ! oh ! What you are got pretty 
 wt.! 10 'iK End of your Line, are you ? And 
 ruw, i 1 /ou'li be quiet a Bit, we may make 
 a Shm ro unJt rtknd one another a little. 
 
 /i?r*. 6'ii. Be quick, and eafe me of my 
 Fears. 
 
 Buck. Eafe you of your Fears ! I don't 
 know Sow the Devil you got them. All 
 that 1 wuntcii to fay was, that Mils Lucy 
 was a fine Wench ; and if (he was as wil- 
 ling as me, 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Willing ! Sir ! What Demon 
 Eu k. If you are in your Airs again, I 
 may a* wtll decamp. 
 
 Mr*. Sub. I x am calm ; go on. 
 Buck. Why that if (lie lik'd me, as well 
 as I lik'd her, we might, perhaps, if you 
 lik'd it too, be married together. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Oh ! Sir ! if that was indeed 
 your Drift, I am faUsfy'd. But don't in- 
 dulge your Wifh too much ; there are nu- 
 merous Obftacles ; your Father's Confent, 
 
 the Law of the Land, 
 
 Buck. What Laws? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. All clandefline Marriages are 
 void in this Country. 
 
 Buck.
 
 28 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. Damn the Country : In London 
 now, a Footman may drive to May- Fair, 
 and in five Minutes be tack'd to a Counters ; 
 but there's no Liberty here. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Some inconfiderate Couples 
 have indeed gone oft" Poft to Proteftant 
 States ; but I hope my Ward will have more 
 Prudence. 
 
 . Buck. Well, well, leave that to me D'ye 
 think fhe likes me ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Why, to deal candidly with 
 you, (he does. 
 
 Buck, Does me, by 
 
 Mrs. Sub Cal.m your Tranfports. 
 
 Buck. Well ! Bat how ? She did not, did 
 fhe ! Hey ! Come now, tell 
 
 Mrs. Sub. I hear her coming j this is her 
 Hour for Mafic and Dancing. 
 
 Buck. Could I not have a Peep ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Withdraw to this Corner. 
 
 Enter Lucinda, with Singing and Dancing- 
 Mafters. 
 
 Luc. The News, the News, Monfieuf 
 Gamut ; I die, if I have not the firft Intel- 
 ligence ! What's doing at Verfailles ? When 
 goes the Court to Marli ? Does Rameau 
 write the next Opera ? What fay the Critics 
 of Voltaire** Due de Foix ? Anfwer me all 
 in a Breath ! 
 
 Buck. A brave-fpirited Girl ! She'll take 
 a five-barr'd Gate in a Fortnight. 
 
 Gam.
 
 I N P A R I S. 29 
 
 Gam. The Converfation of the Court your 
 Lady (hip has engrofs'd, ever lince you laft: 
 honour'd it with your Appearance. 
 
 Luc. Oh ! you Flatterer ! have I ! Well 
 and what frem Victims ? But 'tis impoflible; 
 the Sunfhine of a northern Beauty is too 
 feeble to thaw the icy Heart of a French 
 Courtier. 
 
 Gam. What Injuftice to your own Charms 
 and our Difcernment ! 
 
 Luc. Indeed ! nay, I care not ; if I have 
 Fire enough to warm one Britijh Bofom, 
 rule ! rule ! ye Paris Belles ! 1 envy not 
 your Conquefts. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Meaning you. 
 
 Buck. Indeed! 
 
 Mrs. Sub- Certain ! 
 
 Buck. Hum ! 
 
 Luc, But come, a Truce to Gallantry, 
 Gamut, and to the Bufinefs of the Day: 
 Oh ! I am quite enchanted with this new 
 inftrument ; 'tis fo languiming and fo porta- 
 ble, and fo foft and fo filly : But come, for 
 your laft LefTon. 
 
 Gc.m. D'ye like the Words ? 
 
 Luc. Oh ! Charming ! They are fo melt- 
 ing, and eaiy, and elegant. Now for a 
 Coup a" EJJai. 
 
 Gam. Take Care of your Exprertion ; let 
 your Eyes and Addrefs accompany the Sound 
 and Sentiment. 
 
 Luc. But, dear Gamut, if I am out, don't 
 interrupt me ; correct rue afterwards. 
 
 Gam.
 
 3 o THE ENGLISHMAN 
 Cam. Allons, commences. 
 
 SONG. 
 I. 
 
 PAR un matin Lifette fe leva, 
 Ef dans un boisjeulette s'en alia. 
 
 Ta, la, la, Sec.' 
 
 II. 
 
 Elk cherchoit des nids de $a de la, 
 Dans un buijjbn le Rojjignol chant a. 
 
 Ta, la, la, &c. 
 
 III. 
 
 Vouf doucement elk s'en approcha, 
 Savez vous bien, je qu'elie denicha* 
 
 Ta, la, la, 
 
 IV. 
 
 C'etolt I* Amour, V Amour Tattendolt la, 
 Le bel Oifeau dit elk que voila. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 V. 
 
 La pauvre enfant le.prit, le careffa, 
 Sousfon mouchoir en riant le pla^a. 
 
 Ta, la, k, 
 
 VI. 
 
 Son petit ccsur aufjitot s'enflama, 
 Elk gemit, et neftait ce que/Ie a. 
 
 Ta, Ia,la 
 
 VII,
 
 IN P A R I S. 31 
 
 VII. 
 
 Elk s'en vafe plaindre a.fon Papa, 
 En lui parlant la belle foupira. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Le bon Papa qui s'en doutoit deja, 
 Lui dttjefcais un remede a ce/a. 
 
 Ta,la,Ia. 
 
 IX. 
 
 11 prit I* Amour ) les ailes lui coupa, 
 D'un double noeitd fertement le Ha. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 X. 
 
 Dans la votiere auffitot I'enferma, 
 Chantez Fripon autant qu'il vous plaira. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 XL 
 
 Heureufement la belle s'en tira, 
 Mais on n'a pas toujours ce fecret la. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 XII. 
 
 yeune beaute que I' Amour guetera y 
 Craignez le tour qti a Liffette iljoua. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 Gam. Bravo ! Bravo ! 
 Buck. Bravo! Braviffimo ! My Lady, what 
 was the Song about ? [Afide to my Lady. 
 Mrs. Sub. Love : 'Tis her own compofmg. 
 
 Buck.
 
 32 THE 
 
 Buck. What, does (he make Verfes then ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Finely. I take you to be the 
 Subject of thefe. 
 
 Buck. Ah ! D'ye think fo ? Gad ! I 
 thought by her ogling 'twas the Mufic-man 
 himfclf. 
 
 Luc. Well, Mr. Gamut ; tolerably well, 
 for fo young a Scholar. 
 
 Gam. Inimitably, Madam ! Your Lady- 
 fhip's Progrefs will undoubtedly fix my For- 
 tune. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Luc. Your Servant, Sir. 
 Ser. Madam, your Dancing-Mafter, Mon- 
 fieur Kitteau. 
 Luc. Admit him. 
 
 Enter Kitteau. 
 
 Monfieur Kitteau, I can't poffibly take Lef- 
 fon this Morning, I am fo bufy ; but if you 
 pleafe, I'll juft hobble over a Minuet by 
 way of Exercife. 
 
 Enter a Servant. [After the Dance. 
 
 Serv. Monfieur le Marquis de 
 
 Luc. Admit him this Inftant. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. A Lover of Lucinda> a. French- 
 man of Fafhion, and vaft Fortune. 
 
 Buck. Never heed j I'll foon do his Bufi- 
 nefs, I'll warrant you. 
 
 Enter
 
 IN PARIS. 33 
 
 Enter Marquis. 
 
 Luc. My dear Marquis ! 
 
 Marq. Ma chere adorable I 'Tis an Age 
 fince I favv you. 
 
 Luc. Oh ! An Eternity ! But 'tis your own 
 Fault, though. 
 
 Marq. My Misfortune, maPrinceJJe ! But 
 now I'll redeem my Error, and root for ever 
 here. 
 
 Buck. I mall make a Shift to tranfplant 
 you, I believe. 
 
 Luc. You can't conceive how your Ab- 
 fence has diftrefs'd me. Demand of thefe Gen-' 
 tlemen the melancholy Mood .of my Mind. 
 
 Marq. But now that I am arriv'd, we'll 
 dance and fing, and drive care to the Ha! 
 Monfieur Kitteau! have you pradis'd this 
 Morning? 
 
 Luc. I had juft given my Hand to Kit- 
 teau before you came. 
 
 Marq. I was in Hopes that Honour would ' 
 have been referved for me. May I flatter 
 myfelf that your Lady (hip will do me the Ho- 
 nour of venturing upon the Fatigue of ano- 
 ther Minuet this Morning with me ? 
 
 Enter Buck brijkly. Takes her Hand. 
 
 Buck. Not that you knoiv of, Monfieur. 
 Marq. Hey ! Diable ! Qr.telle Bete ! 
 Buck. Harkee, Monfieur Ragout > if you 
 repeat that word Bete, I mall make you 
 C fwallow
 
 2 4 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 fwallow it again, as I did laft Night one of 
 your Countrymen. 
 
 Marq. Quel Sauvage ! 
 
 Buck. And another Word; as I know 
 you can ipeak very good Englifi, if you 
 will . When you don't, I (hall take it for 
 granted you're abufing me, and treat you 
 accordingly. 
 
 Marq. Cavalier enough ! But you are pro- 
 tected here. Madamoifelle, who is this offi- 
 cious Gentleman ? How comes he inte- 
 refted? Some Relation, I fuppofe ! 
 
 Buck. No ; I'm a Lover. 
 
 Marq. Oh! oh! a Rival! Eh Morbleu ! 
 a dangerous one too. Ha! ha! Well, 
 Monfieur, what, and I fuppofe you pre- 
 fume to give Laws to this Lady ; and are 
 determin'd, out of your very great and iin- 
 gular Affection, to knock down every Mor- 
 tal (he iikes, A-la-mode dAngkterre-, Hey! 
 Monfieur Roaft-Beef ! 
 
 Buck. No ; but I intend that Lady for 
 my Wife;, coniider her as fuch, and don't 
 chufe to have her ibil'd by the impertinent 
 Addrefles of every French Fop, A-la-mocie 
 de Paris, Mounfieur FricafTy ! 
 
 Marq. FricalTy! 
 
 Buck. We. 
 
 Luc. A Truce; a Truce, I befeech you, 
 Gentlemen : It fcems I am the golden Prize 
 lor which you plead; produce your Preten- 
 fions ; you are the Repreieatatives of your 
 
 refpecVive
 
 I N P A R I 3. 35 
 
 refpeclive Countries : Begin, Marquis, for 
 the Honour of France-, let me hear what 
 Advantages I am to derive from a conjugal 
 Union with you. 
 
 Marq. Abftraded from thofe which I 
 think are pretty vifible; a perpetual Refi- 
 dence in this Paradife of Pleaiures ; to be the 
 Object of univerfal Adoration ; to fay what 
 you pleafe, go where you will, do what you 
 like, form Famions, hate your Huiband, 
 and let him fee it; indulge your Gallant, 
 and let t'other know it ; run in Debt, and 
 oblige the poor Devil to pay it. He ! ma 
 Chere ! There are Pleafures for you! 
 
 Luc. Bravo f Marquis ! Thefe are Allure- 
 ments for a Woman of Spirit. But don't let 
 us conclude too haftily ; hear the other Side : 
 What have you to offer, Mr. Buck, in Fa- 
 vour of England? 
 
 Buck. Why, Madam, for a Woman of 
 Spirit, they give you the fame Advantages in 
 London as at Paris, with a Privilege forgot 
 by the Marquis, an indifputable Right to 
 cheat at Cards in Spite of Detection. 
 
 Marq. Pardon me, Sir, we have the fame ; 
 but I thought this Privilege fo known and 
 univerfal, that 'twas needleis to mention it. 
 
 Buck. You'll give up nothing, I find ; but 
 to tell you my blunt Thoughts, in a Word, 
 if any Woman can be fo abandoned, as to 
 rank amongft the Comforts of Matrimony, 
 the Privilege of hating her Hulband, and the 
 C 2 Liberty
 
 3 6 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Liberty of committing every Folly and every 
 Vice contained in your Catalogue, fhe may 
 ftay fingle for me ; for damn me, if I'm a 
 Hufband fit for her Humour j that's all. 
 Marq. I told you, Madamoifeile 1 
 Luc. But ftay, what have you to offer as 
 Counterbalance for thefe Pleafures ? 
 
 Buck. Why, I have, Madam, Courage to 
 protect you, Good-nature to indulge your 
 Love, and Health enough to make Gallants 
 ufelefs, and too good a Fortune to render 
 funning in Debt neceffary. Find that here 
 if you can. 
 
 Marq. Bagatelle ! 
 
 Luc. Spoke with the Sincerity of a 
 Briton; and as I don't perceive that I (hall 
 have any Ufe for the famionable Liberties 
 you propofe, you'll pardon, Marquis, my na- 
 tional Prejudice ; here's my hand, Mr. Buck. 
 
 Buck. Servant, Monfieur. 
 - -Marq. Serviteur ! 
 Buck. No Offence ! 
 
 Marq. Not in the lead j I am only afraid 
 the Reputation of that Lady's Tafte will fuf- 
 fer a little ; and to (hew her at once the Dif- 
 ference of her Choice, the Preference, which, 
 if btftowed on me, would not fail to exaf- 
 perate you, I fupport without murmuring j 
 io that Favour, which would probably have 
 provqk'd my Fate, is now your Protection. 
 Voila la polite/e Francoife, Madam 5 I have 
 
 the
 
 I N P A R 1 S 37 
 
 the Honour to be Bon Jour> Monfieur. 
 
 Tol dc rol. [Exit Marq. 
 
 Buck. The Fellow bears it well. Now if 
 you'll give me your Hand, we'll in, and fet- 
 tle Matters with Mr. Subtle. 
 
 Luc. 'Tis now my Duty to obey. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Roger, peeping about. 
 
 Rog. The Coaft is clear j Sir, Sir, you 
 may come in now, Mafler Claffic. 
 
 Enter Mr. Claffic and the Father. 
 
 Claff. Roger, watch at the Door. I wih, 
 Sir John, I could give you a more chearful 
 Welcome, but we have no time to lofe in 
 Ceremony ; you are arrived in the critical 
 Minute; two Hours more would have plac'd 
 the inconfiderate Couple out of the Reach 
 of Purfuit. 
 
 Father. How can I acknowledge your 
 Kindnefs ? You have preferv'd my Son j you 
 have fav'd 
 
 Claff. I have done my Duty; but of 
 that- 
 
 Rog. Maifter and the young Woman's 
 coming. 
 
 C 3 Cla/>
 
 3 S THE ENG L 1SH MAN 
 
 CiaJJ. Sir Job?2, place ( yourfelf here, and 
 be a Witnefs how near a Crifis is the Fate of 
 your Family. 
 
 Enter Buck and Lucinda. 
 
 Buck. Pmaw ! What fignifies her ? 'Tis 
 odds whether (he'd confent, from the Fear 
 of my Father. Befides, (he told me, we 
 could never be married here ; and fo pack up 
 a few Things, and we'll oft in a Poft-Chaife 
 directly. 
 
 Luc. Stay, Mr. Buck, let me have a Mo- 
 ment's Reflection. What am I about ! 
 
 Contriving in concert with the moft profli- 
 gate Couple that ever difgrac'd human Na- 
 ture, to impofe an indigent Orphan on the 
 fole Reprefentative of a wealthy and ho-* 
 norable Family ! Is this a Chara<5ter becom- 
 ing my Birth and Education ? What muft 
 be the Confequence ? Sure Detection' and 
 Contempt, Contempt even from him, when 
 his Paffions cool. 1 have refolv'd. Sir. 
 
 Buck. Madam, 
 
 Luc. As the Expedition we are upon the 
 Point of taking is to be a lafting one, we 
 ought not to be over-haf(y in our Refolu- 
 tion. 
 
 Buck, Pfhaw! Stuff! When a Thing's 
 refolv'd, the fooner 'tis over the better. 
 
 Luc. Bjt before it is abfolutely refolv'd, 
 
 give
 
 I N P A R I S. 39 
 
 give me Leave to beg an Anfwer to two 
 Queftions, 
 
 Buck. Make Hafte then. 
 
 Luc. What are your Thoughts of me ? 
 
 Buck. Thoughts ! Nay, I don't know ; 
 whv that you are a fenfible, civil, handfome, 
 handy. Girl, and will make a devilifh good 
 Wife. That's all I think. 
 
 Luc. But of my Rank and Fortune ? 
 
 Buck. Mr. Subtle fays they are both great; 
 but that's no Baiinefs of mine, I was always 
 determin'd to marry for Love. 
 
 Luc. Generoufly faid ! My Birth, I be- 
 lieve, -won't difgrace you , but for my For- 
 tune, your Friend, Mr. Subtle, I fear, has 
 anticipated you there. 
 
 Buck. Much Good may it do him ; I have 
 enough for both. But we lofe Time, and 
 may be prevented. . 
 
 Luc. By whom? 
 
 Buck. By Domine ; or perhaps Father may 
 come. 
 
 Luc. Your Father! You think he would 
 prevent you then. 
 
 Buck. Perhaps he would. 
 
 Luc. And why ? 
 
 Buck. Nay, I don't know ; but pfhaw ! 
 'zooks ! this is like faying one's Cate- 
 chife. 
 
 Luc. But don't you think your Father's 
 Confent neceffary ? 
 
 C 4 Buck
 
 40 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. No ! Why 'tis I am to be married, 
 arid not he. But come along, old Fellows 
 love to be obftinate ; but Ecod I am as 
 muli'fli as he -, and to tell you the Truth, if 
 he had propos'd me a Wife, that would have 
 been Reafon enough to make me diilike her ; 
 and I don't think 1 mould be half fo hot 
 about marrying you, only I thought 'twould 
 plague the old Fellow damnably. So, my 
 pretty Partner, come along ; let's have no 
 more 
 
 Enter Father and Claffic. 
 
 Fatb. Sir, I am oblig'd to you for this 
 Declaration, as to it I owe the entire Sub- 
 jedion of that paternal Weaknefs which has 
 hitherto fufpsnded the Correction your aban- 
 don'd Libertinifm has long provok'd. You 
 have forgot the Duty you owe a Father, 
 difclairn'd my Protection, cancell'd the na- 
 tural Covenant between us ; 'tis Time I 
 now mould give you up to the Guidance 
 of your own guilty Paffions, and treat you 
 as a Stranger to my Blood for ever. 
 
 Buck. I told you what would happen, if 
 . he Should come ; but you may thank your- 
 - felf.' 
 
 Path. Equally weak as wicked, the Dupe 
 of a raw, giddy Girl. But proceed, Sir 3 
 you have nothing farther to fear from me j 
 
 compleat
 
 I N P A R I S. 4 t 
 
 compleat your project, and add her Ruin to 
 your own. 
 
 Buck. Sir, as to me, you may fay what 
 you pleafe j but for the young Woman, he 
 does not deferve it ; but now me wanted 
 me to get your confent, and told me that 
 me had never a Penny of Portion into the 
 Bargain. 
 
 Fatb. A ftale, obvious Artifice ! She 
 knew the Difcovery of the Fraud muft foU 
 low clofe on your inconfiderate Marriage, 
 and would then plead the Merits of her 
 prior candid Difcovery. The Lady, doubt- 
 lefs, Sir, has other Secrets to difclofe j but, 
 as her Cunning reveal'd the firft, her Policy 
 will preferve the reft. 
 
 Luc^ What Secrets ? 
 
 Buck. Be quiet/ I tell you j Jet him 
 alone, and he'll cool of himfelf by and 
 by. 
 
 Luc. Sir, I am yet the Protectrefs of my 
 own Honour ; in Juftice to that, I muft 
 demand an Explanation. What Secrets, 
 Sir! 
 
 Path. Oh ! Perhaps a thoufand ! But I 
 am to blame to call them Secrets ; the 
 Cuftoms of this gay Country give Sanction, 
 and {lamp Merit upon Vice; and Vanity 
 will here proclaim what Modefty would elfe- 
 where blufh to whifper. 
 
 Luc.
 
 42 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Luc. Modefty ! -You fufped: my Virtue 
 then ! 
 
 Fdth. You are a Lady; but the Fears of a 
 Father may be permitted to negledt a little 
 your Plan of Politenefs : Therefore to be 
 plain ; from your Refidence in this Houfe, 
 from your Connection with thefe People, and 
 from the Scheme which my Prefence has 
 
 interrupted, I have Sufpicions of what 
 
 Nature, afk yourfelf. 
 
 Luc. Sir, you have Reafon, Appearances 
 are againft me, I confefs, but when you have 
 heard my melancholy Story, you'll own you 
 have wrong'd me, and learn to pity her 
 whom now you hate. 
 
 Path. Madam, you mifemploy yourTime; 
 there tell your Story, there it will be be- 
 liev'd ; I am too knowing in the Wiles of 
 Women, to be foften'd by a Syren Tear, or 
 impos'd on by an artful Tale. 
 
 Luc. But hear me, Sir, on my Knee, I 
 beg it, nay I demand it; you have wrong'd 
 me, and muft do me Juftice. 
 
 Clajf. I am fure, Madam, Sir John will 
 be glad to find his Fears 'are falfe, but you 
 can'r blame him. 
 
 Luc. I don't, Sir, and I (hall but little 
 trefpafs on his patience. When you know, 
 Sir, that I am the Orphan of an honourable 
 and once wealthy Family, whom her Fa- 
 ther,
 
 I N P A R I S. 43 
 
 ther,mifguided by perniciousPolitics,brought 
 with him, in her earlieft Infancy, to France, 
 that dying here, he bequeath'd me, with the 
 poor Remnant of our fhatter'd Fortune, to 
 the Direction of this rapacious Pair ; I am 
 fure you'll tremble for me. 
 
 Path. Go on ! 
 
 Luc . But when you know that plunder'd 
 of the little fortune left me, I was reluctant- 
 ly compell'd to aid this Plot ; forced to com- 
 ply under the Penalty of deeper! Want ; 
 without one hofpitable Roof to fhelter me, 
 without one Friend to comfort or relieve 
 me ; you muft, you can't but pity me, 
 
 Fatb. Proceed ! 
 
 Luc. To this when you are told, that, 
 previous to your Coming, I had determined 
 never to wed your Son, at lead without your 
 Knowledge and Confent, I hope your Juf- 
 tice then will credit and acquit me. 
 
 Fatb. Madam, your Tale is plaufible and 
 moving; I hope 'tis true -, here come the Ex- 
 plainers of this Riddle. 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. Subtle. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Buck's Father ! 
 
 Fatb.
 
 44 THE .ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Fatb. I'll take fome other Time, Sir, to 
 thank you for the lad Proofs of your Friend- 
 fhip to my Family ; in the mean Time, be 
 fo candid as 10 inftrudt us in the Knowledge 
 of this Lady, whom, it feems, you have 
 chofen for the Partner of my Son. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Mr. Buck's Partner 1 chofe 
 
 T I '* * :- 
 
 Fatb. No Equivocation or Referve ; your 
 Plot's reveal 'd, known to the Bottom ; who 
 is the Lady ? 
 
 Mr. SuL Lady, Sir, the Lady's a Gen- 
 tlewoman, Sir. 
 
 Fatb, By what Means ? 
 Mr. Sub. By her Father afcd Mother. 
 
 Fatbi Who were they, Sir ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. Her Mother was of I for- 
 get her Maiden Name. 
 
 Fatb. You han't forgot her Father's ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. No! No! No! 
 Fatb. Tell it then. 
 
 Mr. Sub. She has told it you, I fuppofe. 
 
 Fatb. No Matter, I muft have it,Sir, from 
 you; here's fome Myfrery. 
 
 Mr. Sub. 'Twas Worthy. 
 
 Fatb. Not the Daughter of Sir Gilbert. 
 Mr. Sub. You have it. 
 Patb. My poor Girl 1 I indeed have 
 wrong'd, but will redrefs you; and pray, Sir, 
 after the many preffing Letters you received 
 
 from
 
 I N P A R I S. 45 
 
 from me, how came this Truth concealed ? 
 but I guels your Motive. Dry up yourTears, 
 Lucinda> at laft you have found a Father. 
 Hence ye degenerate,ye abandoned Wretches, 
 who, abufing the Confidence of your Coun- 
 try, unite to plunder thofe ye promife to 
 protect. 
 
 Luc. Am I then juftified ? 
 
 Fatb. You are, your Father was my firft 
 and firmeft Friend j I mourn'd his Lofs j and 
 long have fought for thee in vain, Lu- 
 cinda. 
 
 Buck. Pray han't I fome Merit in finding 
 her ? She's mine by the Cuftom of the Ma- 
 nor. 
 
 Path. Yours Firft iludy to deferve her ; 
 {he's mine, Sir, I have juft redeem'd this va- 
 luable Treafure ; and (hall not truft it in a 
 Spendthrift's Hands. 
 
 Buck. What would you have me do, 
 Sir? 
 
 Path. Difclaim the Partners of your 
 Riot, polim your Manners, reform your 
 Pleafures, and, before you think of go- 
 verning others, learn to direct yourfelf. 
 And now, my beauteous Ward, we'll for 
 the Land where firft you faw the Light, 
 and there endeavour to forget the long, 
 long Bondage you have fufler'd here. I 
 fuppofe. Sir, we mall have no Difficulty 
 
 in
 
 46 THE ENGLISHMAN, &t. 
 
 in perfuading you to accompany us 5 it is 
 not in France I am to hope for your Re- 
 formation. I have now learn'd, that he 
 who tranfports a profligate Son to Paris, 
 by Way of mending his Manners, only adds 
 the Vices and Follies of that Country to thofe 
 of his own. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 5poken by Mifs MACKLIN* 
 
 1 
 
 Tf SCAPED from my Guardian s tyrannical Sway, 
 
 By a fortunate Voyage on a profperous Day^ 
 1 am landed in England, and now mujl endeavour^ 
 By fame Means or other, to curry your Favour. 
 
 Of what Ufe to be freed from a Gallic SubjeRion, 
 Unlef> I'mfecure of a Britifti Protection ? 
 Without Cajh',---but one Friend and be too juft made* 
 Egad I've a Mind to fet up fame Trade. 
 Of what Sort ! in the Papers P II publijh a Puff 
 Which won't fail to procure me Cujlom enough : 
 *< That a Lady from Paris ts lately arriv'd, 
 <c Who with exquifite Ar.t has nicety contrived 
 '< The beft Paint for the Faff, the bejl Pajlefo 
 * c A Water for Freckles, for FIuJhings 9 and Tans. 
 <c She can teach you the melior Coeffeurefor the 
 *' To lify amble andfimper and put on the Red + 
 "To rival, to rally, to backbite, and jneer^ 
 ** Umno ; that they already know pretty wtll hers. 
 
 ' The Beaux Jhe injlrucls to bow with a Grace ^ 
 *< The bappieji Shrug,- the newejl Grimace ; 
 " To parler Fran^ois,---^, fatter, and dance, 
 ' Which is Vry near all that they teach ye in France. 
 
 t( Not a Buck, nor a Blood, through the whole Knglilh 
 
 <* Nation, 
 
 " But his Roughnefs Jbe'llfoften, his Figure Jhe' 1/faJbioM. 
 " The mere/I John Trot in a Week you Jhall %ee 
 " Bien poll, bien frize, tout a fait un Marquis,"
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 What d'ye think of my Plan, is it form' d to your Gout ? 
 
 I hope for Difciples in any of you ? 
 Shall I tell you my Thoughts, without Guile, without Art, 
 though abroad I've been bred, I have Britain at Heart. 
 Then take this Advice, which 1 give for her Sake, 
 Tou'll gain nothing by any Exchange you can make ; 
 In a Country of Commerce, too great the Expence, 
 For their Baubles and Bows, to give your good Senfe.
 
 THE 
 
 AUTHOR; 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 Of TWO ACTS. 
 
 As performed at the 
 
 THEATRE ROYAL 
 
 I N 
 
 DRURY-LANE. 
 
 Written by Mr. FOOT E. 
 A NEW EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for T. LOWNDES, No. 77, Fleet-ftreet ; and 
 S. B LAD ON, Pater-nofter-row. 1782. 
 
 [ PRICE ONE SHILLING. ]
 
 T -jvi
 
 PROLOGUE, 
 
 WRITTEN and SPOKEN by Mr. FOOTE, 
 
 SEVERE their Tafk, who in this critic Age, 
 With frefh Materials furnifh out the Stage ! 
 Not that our Father's drain'd the comic Store j 
 Frefh Characters fpring up as heretofore- 
 Nature with Novelty does ftill abound ; 
 On every Side frefh Follies may be found. 
 But then the Tafte of every Gueft to hit, "V 
 
 To pleafe at once, the Gall'ry, Box, and Pit; t 
 
 Require's at leaft no common Share of Wit. J 
 
 Thofe, who adorn the Orb of higher Life, 
 Demand the lively Rake, or modifh Wife; 
 Whilft they, who in a lower Circle move, 
 Yawn at their Wit, and flumber at their Love. 
 If light, low Mirth employs the comic Scene, 
 Such Mirth, as drives from vulgar Minds the Spleen; 
 The polifh'd Critic damns the wretched Stuff, 
 And cries, " 'twill pleafe the GalFries well enough." 
 Such jarring Judgments who can reconcile, 
 Since Fops will frown, where humble Traders fmile? 
 
 To dam the Poet's ineffeaual Claim, 
 And quench his Thirft for univerfal Fame, 
 The Grecian Fabulift, in moral Lay, 
 Has thus addrefs'd the Writers of this Day. 
 
 Once on a Time, a Son and Sire we're told, 
 The Stripling tender, and the Father old, 
 
 B 2 Purchas'd
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 Purchas'd a Jack- Afs at a country Fair, 
 
 To eafe their Limbs, and hawk about their Ware : 
 
 But as the fluggiih Animal was weak, 
 
 They fear'd, if both fliould mount, his Back wou'd break; 
 
 Up gets the Boy ; the Father leads the Afs, 
 
 And through the gazing Crowd attempts to pafs j 
 
 Forth from the Throng, the Grey-beards hobble out, 
 
 And hail the Cavalcade with feeble Shout. 
 
 " This the Refpeft to reverend Age you (hew ? 
 
 " And this the Duty you to Parents owe ? 
 
 '* He beats the Hoof, and you are fet aftride ; 
 
 " Sirrah ? get down, and let your Father ride." 
 
 As Grecian Lads were feldom void of Grace, 
 
 The decent, duteous Youth, refign'd his Place. 
 
 Then a frefli Murmur through the Rabble ran ; 
 
 Boys, Girls, Wives, Widows, all attack the Man. 
 
 *' Sure never was brute Beaft fo void of Nature ! 
 
 " Have you no Pity for the pretty Creature ? 
 
 " To your own Baby can you be unkind ? 
 
 " Here Suke, Bill, Bettyput the Child behind." 
 
 Old Dapple next, the Clowns Companion claim'd j 
 
 " 'Tis Wonderment, them Boobies ben't afham'd. 
 
 <c Two at a Time upon a poor dumb Beaft ! 
 
 " They might as well have carried he at leaft." 
 
 The Pair, ftill pliant to the partial Voice, 
 
 Difmount and bear the Afs Then what a Noife ' 
 
 Huzzas Loud Laughs, low Gibe, and bitter Joke, 
 
 From the yet filent Sire, thefe Words provoke. 
 
 " Proceed, my Boy, nor heed their farther Call, 
 
 <c Vain his Attempt, who ftrives to pleafe them all !" 
 
 EPILOGUE.
 
 
 EPILOGUE, 
 
 WRITTEN by a LADY, 
 And SPOKEN by Mrs. CLIVE. 
 
 WE L L thank my Stars, that I have done my Talk 4 
 And now throw off this aukward, ideot Malk. 
 Cou'd we fuppofe this Circle fo refin'd, 
 Who feek thofe Pleafures that improve the Mind, 
 Cou'd from fuch vulgarifms feel Delight j 
 Or laugh at Characters, fo unpolite ? 
 Who come to Plays, to fee, and to be feen j y 
 
 Not to hear Things that fhock, or give the Spleen ; > 
 Who fhun an Opera, when they hear 'tis thin. J 
 
 " Lord ! do you know ?" fays Lady Bell " I'm told 
 * That Jacky Dapple got fo great a Cold 
 " Laft Tuefday Night There wa'n't a Creature there j 
 *' Not a male Thing to hand one to one's Chair. 
 " Divine Mingotti ! what a Swell has fhe ! J 
 
 " O ! Such a Suftinuto upon B ! C 
 
 " Ma'am, when (he's quite in Voice fhe'll go to C. J 
 " Lord," fays my Lady Englijh ** here's a Pother ! 
 " Go where fhe will, I'll never fee another." 
 Her Ladyfhip, half choak'd with London Air, 
 And brought to Town to fee the lights and ftare. 
 " Fine Singing that U I'm fure it's more like fcreaming: 
 
 * c To me, i vow, they're all a Pack of Women J 
 
 " Oh Barbare ! Inhumana ! Tramontane ! 
 
 " Does not this Creature come from Pudding-Lane ? 
 
 * 4 Look, look, my Lord !--She goggles ! Ha, ha, pray be 
 quiet j 
 
 <c Dear Lady Bell, for fhame ! You'll make a Riot. 
 
 " Why will they mix with us to make this Rout ? 
 
 " Bring in a Bill, my Lord, to keep 'em out. 
 
 " We'll have a Tafte AcY, faith !" my Lord replied j 
 
 <c And fhut out all, that are not qualified." 
 
 Thus Ridicule is bounded like a Ball, 1 
 
 Struck by the Great, then anfwer'd by the Small 5 
 
 While we, at Times, return it to you all. J 
 
 A fkilful Hand will ne'er your Rage provoke ; 
 
 For though it hits you, you'll applaud the Stroke } 
 
 Let it but only glance, you'll never frown ; 
 
 Nay, you'll forgive, tho't knocks your Neighbour down. 
 
 B 3 Dramatis
 
 Dramatis Perfonse. 
 
 At DRURY-LAN E, 1782. 
 
 Governor Cape, 
 Young Cape, 
 Sprightly, 
 Cadwallader, 
 Poet, 
 Vamp, 
 
 Printer's Devrl, 
 Robin, 
 
 Mr. WRIGHTEN. 
 Mr. AIKIN. 
 Mr, R. PALMER, 
 Mr. BANNISTER. 
 Mr. WALDRON, 
 Mr. MOODY, 
 Mr. BURTON. 
 Mr. CHAPLIN. 
 
 Mrs. Cadwallader, 
 Mifs Arabella, 
 
 Mrs. WRIGHTEN. 
 Mrs. SHARP.
 
 THE 
 
 AUTHOR; 
 
 C O M E D Y, 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 Governor CAPE, and ROBIN. 
 
 Governor. A ND he believes me dead, Robin? 
 ** Rob. Mod certainly. 
 
 Gov. You have given him no Intimation that 
 his Fortunes might mend. 
 
 Rob. Not a diftant Hint. 
 
 Gov. How did he receive the News ? 
 
 Rob. Calmly enough : When I told him that 
 his Hopes from abroad were at an End, that 
 the Friend of his deceafed Father thought he 
 had done enough in putting it in his Power to 
 earn his own Livelihood, he replied 'twas no 
 more than he had long expected -, charged me 
 with his warmeft Acknowledgments to his con- 
 ceal'd Benefactor -, thanked me for my Care, 
 fjgh'd and left me. 
 
 B 4 Gov.
 
 8 Me A U T H O R. 
 
 Gov. And how has he lived fince ? 
 
 Rob. Poorly, but honeftly : To his Pen he 
 owes all his Subfiftence. I am fure my Heart 
 bleeds for him : Confider, Sir, to what Temp- 
 tations you expofe him. 
 
 Gov. The feverer his Trials, the greater his 
 Triumph. Shall the Fruits of my honeft In- 
 duftry, the Purchafe of many Perils, be lavim'd 
 on a lazy luxurious Booby, who has no other 
 Merit than being born five-and-twenty Years 
 after me ? No, no, "Robin ; him, and a Profu- 
 fion of Debts were all that the Extravagance of 
 his Mother left me. 
 
 Rob. You loved her, Sir. 
 
 Gov. Fondly.' nay, foolimly, or Neceflity 
 had not compell'd me to feek for Shelter in ano- 
 ther Climate. 'Tis true, Fortune has been fa- 
 vourable to my Labours, and when George con- 
 vinces me that he inherits my Spirit, he fhall 
 {hare my Property ; not elfe. 
 
 Rob. Confider, Sir, he has not your Oppor- 
 tunities. 
 
 Gov. Nor had I his Education. 
 
 Rob. As the World goes, the worft you cou'd 
 have given him. Lack-a-day, Learning, Learn- 
 ing, Sir, is no Commodity for this Market ; no- 
 thing makes Money here, Sir, but Money ; or 
 fome certain fashionable Qualities that you 
 would not wifhyour Son to poflefs. 
 
 Gov, Learning ufelefs? Impoffible ! Where 
 are the Oxfords, the Halifaxes, the great Pro- 
 te&ors and Patrons of the liberal Arts ? 
 
 Rob. Patron ! The Word has loft its Ufe ; 
 a Guinea Subfcriptipn at the Requefl of a Lady, 
 
 whcfc
 
 A U T H O R. 9 
 
 \vhofeChambermaid is acquainted with the Au- 
 thor, may be now and theh pick'd upPro- 
 tectors ! Why I dare believe there's more Mo- 
 ney laid out upon IJlington Turnpike in aMonth, 
 than upon all the learned Men in Great Bri- 
 tain in feven Years. 
 
 Gov. And yet thePrefs groans with their Pro- 
 ductions. How do they all exift ? 
 
 Rob. In Garrets, Sir ; as, if you will ftep to 
 your Son's Apartment in the next Street, you 
 will fee. 
 
 Gov. But what Apology (hall we make for 
 the Vifit ? 
 
 Rob. That you want the Aid of his Pro- 
 
 feffion ; a well penn'd Addrefs now, from the 
 Subjedts of your late Government, with your 
 gracious Reply, to put into the News-papers. 
 
 Gov. Aye ; is that Part of his Practice ? 
 Well, lead on, Robin. 
 
 Scene draws and difcovers Young CAPE with 
 /^Printer's DEVIL. 
 
 Cape. Prythee go about thy buflnefs -Va- 
 ni/h, dear Devil. 
 
 Devil. Mafter bid me not come without the 
 Proof; he fays as how there are two other An- 
 fwers ready for the Prefs, and if your's don't 
 come out a Saturday 't won't pay for the Pa- 
 per j but you are always fo lazy : I have more 
 Plague with you There's Mr. Guzzle, the 
 Tranflator, never keeps me a Minute unlefs 
 the poor Gentleman happens to be fuddled. 
 
 Cafe,
 
 io T6t A U T H O R. 
 
 Cape. Why, you little footy, fniv'ling, dia- 
 bolical Puppy, is it not fufficient to be plagu'd 
 with the Stupidity of your abfurd Mafter, but 
 I muft be pefter'd with your Impertinence ? 
 
 Devil. Impertinence ! Marry, come up, I 
 keep as good Company as your Worfhip every 
 
 Day in the Year There's Mafter Clench t in 
 
 Little Britain, does not think it beneath him to 
 take Part of a Pot of Porter with me, tho' he 
 has wrote two Volumes of Lives in Quarto, 
 and has a Folio a coming out in Numbers. 
 
 Cape. Harky', Sirrah, if you don't quit the 
 Room this inftant, I'll /hew you a morter Way 
 into the Street than the Stairs. 
 
 Devil. I (hall fave you the Trouble Give 
 me the French Book that you took the Story 
 from for the laft Journal. 
 
 Cape . Take it-- (throws it at him.} 
 
 Devil. What, d'ye think it belongs to the 
 Circulating Library, or that it is one of your 
 own Performances, that you - 
 
 Cape. You mall have a larger fExtt Devi/. 
 'Sdeath ! a pretty Situation I am in ! And are 
 thefe the Fruits I am to reap from a long, la- 
 borious and expenfive 
 
 Re-enter DEVIL. 
 
 Devi!. I had like to have forgot, here's your 
 Week's Pay for the News-paper, five and five- 
 pence, which with the two-and-a-penny, Maf- 
 ter pafs'd his Word for to Mrs. Suds y your Wafli- 
 er- woman, makes the three half Crowns. 
 
 Cape. Lay it on the Table. 
 
 Devil. Here's a Man on the Stairs wants you; 
 
 by
 
 A U T H O R. n 
 
 by the Sheepifhnefs of his Looks, and the Shab- 
 binefs of his Drefs, he's either a Pick-pocket, 
 or Poet Here, walk in, Mr. What-tfye-call* 
 'um> the Gentleman's at Home. 
 
 (Surveys the Figure, laughs* and exit ) 
 
 Enter Poet. 
 
 Poet. Your name, I prefume, is Cape. 
 
 Cape, You have hit it, Sir. 
 
 Poet. Sir, I beg Pardon ; you are a Gentle- 
 man that write ? 
 
 Cape. Sometimes. 
 
 Poet. Why, Sir, my Cafe, in a Word, is this ; 
 I, like you, have long been a Retainer of the 
 Mufes, as you may fee by their Livery. 
 
 Cape. They have not difcarded you, I hope. 
 
 Poet. No, Sir, but their upper Servants, the 
 
 Bookfellers, have. I printed a Collection of 
 
 Jefts upon my own Account, and they have 
 ever fince refufed to employ me; you, Sir, I hear, 
 are in their Graces ; Now I have brought you, 
 Sir, three Imitations of Juvenal in Profe -, Tul- 
 /y's Oration for Milo, in blank Verfe ; two Ef- 
 fays on the Britifh Herring Fimery, with a large 
 Collection ofRebufles; which, if you will dif- 
 pofe of to them, in your own Name, we'll di>- 
 vide the Profits. 
 
 Cape, lam really, Sir, forry for your Diflrefs, 
 but I have a larger Cargo 'of my own manufac- 
 turing than they chufe to engage in. 
 
 Poet. That's pity j you have nothing in the 
 compiling or index Way, that you wou'd in- 
 fruft to the Care of another ? 
 
 Cape. Nothing. 
 
 i J'U do it at half Price, 
 
 Cafe.
 
 12 He A U T H O R. 
 
 Cape. I'm concern'd it is not in my Power at 
 prefent to be ufeful to you ; but if this Trifle 
 
 Poet. Sir, your Servant. Shall I leave you 
 any of my 
 
 Cape. By no Means. 
 
 Poet. An EfTay, or an Ode ? 
 
 Cape. Not a Line. 
 
 Poet. Your very obedient. (Exit Poet. 
 
 Cape. Poor Fellow ! and how far am I re- 
 moved from his Condition ? ^7r/7had his Po/- 
 lio-y Horace his Mecanas -, Martial his Pliny : 
 My Protestors are Title-page, the Publimer; 
 Vamp, the Bookfeller ; and Index, the Printer. 
 A moft noble Triumvirate ; and the Rafcals are 
 as profcriptive and arbitrary, as the famous Ro- 
 man one, into the Bargain, 
 
 Enter SPRIGHTLY. 
 
 Spri. What ! in Soliloquy, George ? Recit- 
 ing fome of the Pleafantries, I fuppofe, in your 
 new Piece. 
 
 Cape. My Difpofition has, at prefent, very 
 little of the Vis Comica. 
 
 Spri. What's the Matter ? 
 
 Cape. Survey that Mafs of Wealth upon the 
 Table ; all my own, and earn'd in little more 
 than a Week. 
 
 Spri. Why, 'tis an inexhauftible Mine ! 
 
 Cape. Ay, and delivered to me, too, with all 
 the foft Civility of Billing f gate, by a Printer's 
 prime Minifter, call'd a Devil. 
 
 Spri. I met the Imp opon the Stairs ; but I 
 thought thefe Midwives to the Mufes, were the 
 Idolizers of you, their favourite Sons, 
 
 Cafe.
 
 We A U T H O R. 13 
 
 Cape. Our Tyrants, Tom. Had I indeed a 
 pofthumous Piece of Infidelity, or an amorous 
 Novel, decorated with lufcious Copper-plates, 
 the Slaves would be civil enough. 
 
 Spri. Why don't you publim your own 
 Works ? 
 
 Cafe. What! and paper my Room with 'em ? 
 No, no, that will never do ; there are Secrets 
 in all Trades ; ours is one great Myftery, but 
 the Explanation wou'd be too tedious at prefent. 
 
 Spri. Then why don't you divert your At- 
 tention to fome other Objedt ? 
 
 Cape. That Subject was employing my 
 Thoughts. 
 
 Spri. How have you refolved ? 
 
 Cape. I have, I think, at prefent, two Strings 
 to my Bow j if my Comedy fucceeds, it buys 
 me a Commiffion ; if my Miftrefs, my Laura, 
 proves kind, I am fettled for Life ; but if both 
 my Cords fnap, adieu to the Quill, and wel- 
 come the Mufket. 
 
 : Spri. Heroically determined ! But a propos 
 how proceeds your honourable Paffion ? 
 
 Cape. But flowly I believe I have a Friend 
 in her Heart, but a moft potent Enemy in her 
 Head : You know, I am poor, and (he is pru- 
 dent. With regard to her Fortune too, I be- 
 lieve her Brother's Confent eflentially neceffary 
 
 But you promifed to make me acquainted 
 
 with him. 
 
 Spri. I expedl: him here every Inftant. He 
 may, George, be ufeful to you in more than one 
 Capacity; if your Comedy is notcrouded, he is 
 a Character, I can tell you, that will make no 
 contemptible Figure in it. 
 
 Cape.
 
 I 4 flfe A U T H O R. 
 
 Cape. His Sifter gave me a Sketch of him 
 laft Summer. 
 
 Spri. A Sketch can never convey him. His 
 Peculiarities require infinite Labour and high 
 Finishing. 
 
 Cape. Give me the Out-lines. 
 
 Spri. He is a Compound of Contrarieties j 
 Pride and Meannefs ; Folly and Archnefs : At 
 the fame Time that he wou'd take the Wall of a 
 Prince of the Blood, he would not fcruple eating 
 a fry'd Saufage at the Mews-Gate. There is a 
 Minutenefs, now and then, in his Defcriptions 5 
 and fome whimfical, unaccountable Turns in 
 his Converfation, that are entertaining enough : 
 But the Extravagance and Oddity of his Man- 
 ner, and the Boaft of his Birth, compleat his 
 Character, 
 
 . Cape. But how will a Perfon of his Pride and 
 Pedigree, relim the Humility of this Apartment ? 
 
 Spri. Oh, he is prepar'd You are, George, 
 tho' prodigioufly learn'd and in'genious, an ab- 
 firacted Being, odd and whimiical ; the Cafe 
 with all you great Genius's : You love the fnug, 
 the Chimney-corner of Life j and retire to this 
 obfcure Nook, merely to avoid the Importunity 
 of the Great. 
 
 Cape. Your Servant But what Attraction 
 
 can a Character of this Kind have for Mr. Cad- 
 wallader ? 
 
 Spri. Infinite! next to a Peer, he honours a 
 Poet : And modeftly imputes his not making a 
 Figure in the learned World himfelf to the Ne- 
 glect of his Education hufli ! he's on the Stairs 
 
 on with your Cap, and open your Book. 
 
 Remember great Dignity and Abfence. 
 
 Enter
 
 fbc A U T H OR. 15 
 
 Enter VAMP. 
 
 Cape. Oh, no ; 'tis Mr. Vamp : Your Com- 
 mands, good Sir ? 
 
 Vamp. I have a Word, Mafter Cape, for your 
 private Ear. 
 
 Cape. You may communicate j this Gentle- 
 man is a Friend. 
 
 Vamp. An Author? 
 
 C#/>. Voluminous. 
 
 Vamp. In what Way ? 
 
 CW/>. Univerfal. 
 
 Vamp. Blefs me ! he's very young, and ex- 
 ceedingly well rigg'd j what, a good Subfcrip- 
 tion, I reckon. 
 
 Cape. Not a Month from Leyden ; an admir- 
 able Theologift ! he ftudy'd it in Germany ; if 
 you {hould want fuch a Thing now, as ten or a 
 dozen Manufcript Sermons, by a deceas'd Cler- 
 gyman, I believe he can fupply you. 
 
 Vamp. No. 
 
 Cape. Warranted Originals. 
 
 Vamp. No, no, I don't deal in the Sermon 
 Way, now; I loft Money by the laft I printed, 
 for all 'twas wrote by a Methodift; but, I believe, 
 Sir, if they be'nt long, and have a good deal of 
 Latin in 'em, I can get you a Chap. 
 
 SprL For what, Sir ? 
 
 Vamp. The Manufcript Sermons you have 
 wrote, and want to difpofe of. 
 
 Spri. Sermons that I have wrote ? 
 
 Vamp. Ay, ay -, Mafter Cafe has been telling 
 me 
 
 Spri. He has; lam mightily oblig'd to him. 
 
 Vamp. Nay, nay, don't be afraid ; I'll keep 
 
 Council ;
 
 16 Me A U T H O R. 
 
 Council ; old Vamp had not kept a Shop fo long 
 at the Turnftile, if he did not know how to be 
 fecret; why, in the Year Forty-five, when I 
 was in the treafonable Way, I never fqueak'd ; 
 I never gave up but one Author in my Life, 
 and he was dying of a Confumption, fo it never 
 came to a Trial. 
 
 Spri. Indeed ! 
 
 Vamp. Never look here (Shews the Side 
 
 of bis Head) crop'd clofe ! bare as a Board ! 
 and for nothing in the World but an inno- 
 cent Book of Bawdy, as I hope for Mercy : Oh ! 
 the Laws are very hard, very fevere upon us. 
 
 Spri. You have given me, Sir, fo pofitive a 
 Proof of your Secrefy that you may rely upon 
 my Communication. 
 
 Vamp. You will be fafe but gadfo, we 
 
 muft mind Bufinefs, tho' 5 here, Mafter Cape, 
 you muft provide me with three taking Titles 
 for thefe Pamphlets, and if you can think of a 
 pat Latin Motto for the largeft 
 
 Cape. They (hall be done. 
 
 Vamp. Do fo, do fo. Books are like Women, 
 Mafter Cape-, toftrike, they muftbewell-drefs'd ; 
 ne Feathers make fine Birds ; a good Paper, 
 an elegant Type, a handfome Motto, and a 
 catching Title, has drove many a dull Treatife 
 
 thro' three Editions Did you know Harry 
 
 Handy ? 
 
 Spri. Not that I recollect. 
 
 Vamp. He was a pretty Fellow ; he had his 
 Latin, ad anguem, as they fay ; he would have 
 turn'dyou a Fable of Dry dens, or an Epiftle of 
 ' Latin Verfe in a twinkling; except 
 
 Peter
 
 A U T H O R. 17 
 
 Peter Hafty the Voyage-writer, he was as great 
 a Lofs to the Trade as any within my Memory. 
 
 Cape. What carry'd him off? 
 
 Vamp. A Halter; hang'dforclippingandcoin- 
 ing, Mafter Cape; I thought there was fome- 
 thing the Matter by his not coming to our Shop 
 for a Month or two: He was a pretty Fellow ! 
 
 Spri. Were you a great Lofer by his Death ? 
 
 Vamp, I can't fay: as he had taken to 
 
 Another Courfe of Living, his Execution made 
 a Noife; it fold me feven Hundred of his Tranf- 
 lations, befides his laft dying Speech and Con- 
 feflion ; I got it ; he was mindful of his Friends 
 in his laft Moments : He was a pretty Fellow ! 
 
 Cape. You have no farther Commands, Mr, 
 Vamp ? 
 
 Vamp. Not at prefent j about the Spring I'll 
 deal with you, if we can agree for a Coupk of 
 Volumes in Octavo. 
 
 Spri. Upon what Subject ? 
 
 Vamp. I leave that to him ; Matter ^C^* 
 knows what will do, tho' Novels are a pretty 
 light Summer reading, and do very well at 
 Tunbridge, Briftol, and the other watering Pla-> 
 ces : No bad Commodity for the JVeJi-India 
 Trade neither ; let 'em be Novels, Mafter Cape , 
 
 Cape. You fhall be certainly fupply'd. 
 
 Vamp. I doubt not; pray how does Index go 
 on with your Journal ? 
 
 Cape. He does not complain. 
 
 Vamp. Ah, I knew the Time -but you 
 
 have over-ftock'd the Market. Titlepage and I 
 had once lik'd to have engag'd in a Paper. We 
 had got a young Cantab for the EfTays; a pretty 
 Jiiflorian from Aberdeen \ and an Attorney's 
 C Cierk
 
 i8 <fhc A U T H O R. 
 
 Clerk for the true Intelligence; but I don't know 
 how, it drop'd for Want of a Politician. 
 
 Cape. If in that Capacity I can be of any * 
 
 Vamp. No, thank you, Matter Cape > in half 
 a Year's Time, I have a Grandfon of my own 
 that will come in ; he's now in training as a 
 Waiter at the Cocoa-Tree Coffee-houfe ; I intend 
 giving him the Run of Jonathans for three 
 Months to underftand Trade and the Funds ; 
 
 and then I'll ftart him no, no, you have 
 
 enough on your Hands ; flick to your Bufinefs : 
 and d'ye hear, 'ware clipping and coining ; re- 
 member Harry Handy, he was a pretty Fellow ! 
 
 (Exit. 
 
 Sprt. And I'm fure thou art a mod extraor- 
 dinary Fellow ! But prythee, George, what cou'd 
 provoke thee to make me a Writer of Sermons ? 
 
 Cape. You feem'd defirous of being ac- 
 quainted with our Bufinefs, and I knew old 
 Vamp wou'd let you more into the Secret in five 
 Mittytes, than I cou'd in as many Hours. 
 
 (Knocking below, loud.Jf 
 
 Spri. Cape, to your Poftj here they are 
 c'faith, a Coachful ! Let's fee, Mr. and Mrs. 
 Cadwallader, and your Flame, the Sifter, as I live. 
 (Cadwallader without) 
 
 Pray, by the Bye, han't you a Poet above ? 
 
 (Without.) Higher up. ' 
 
 Cad. Egad, I wonder what makes your Po- 
 ets have fuch an Averfion to middle Floors; 
 they are always to be found in the Extremities \ 
 in Garrets, or Cellars-. .
 
 A U T H O R. 19 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. CADWALLADER and 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Cad. Ah ! Sprightly ! 
 
 Spri. Hum ! 
 
 Cad. Hey, what's the Matter ? 
 
 Spri. Hard at it; untwifling fome knotty 
 Point; totally abforb'd ! 
 
 Cad. Gadfo ! what, that's he ! Beck, Bell, 
 there he is, egad, as great a Poet, and as inge- 
 nious a what's he about ? Hebrew ? 
 
 Spri. Weaving the whole ./Eneid into a Tra- 
 gedy : I have been here this half Hour, but he 
 has not mark'd me yet. 
 
 Cad. Cou'd not I take a Peep ? 
 
 Spri. An Earthquake wou'd not rouze him. 
 
 Cad. He feems in a damn'd Paffion. 
 
 Cape . The Belt of Pal/as ! nor Prayers, nor 
 Tears, nor fupplicating Gods fhall fave thee 
 now. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Zounds, what the Devil ? who ? 
 
 Cape. -Pallas ! te hoc vulnere, tyllas 
 
 Immolat^ & pcenam feeler at o ex f anguine fumit \ 
 
 Cad. Damn your Palace ; I wifh I was well 
 out of your Garret. 
 
 Cape. Sir, I beg ten thoufand Pardons : La- 
 dies, your moft devoted. You will excufe me, 
 Sir, but being juft on the Cataftrophe of my 
 Tragedy, I am afraid the poetic Furor may have 
 betray'd me into fome Indecency. 
 
 Spri. Oh, Mr. Cadwallader is too great a 
 Genius himfelf, not to allow for thefe intern^ 
 perate Sallies of a heated Imagination. 
 
 Cad. Genius ! Look ye hear, Mr. What's- 
 your^name ? 
 
 Cape. Cape. 
 
 C 2 Cad.
 
 20 fh A U T H O R. 
 
 Cad. Cape! True; tho' by the Bye here, 
 hey! You live deviliih high; but perhaps yau 
 may chufe that for Exercife, hey ! Sprightly / 
 Genius! Look'e here, Mr. Cafe, I had as pret- 
 ty natural Parts, as fine Talents ! ?but between 
 you and I, I had a damn'd Fool of a Guardian, 
 an ignorant, illiterate, ecod he cou'd as foon 
 pay the national Debt as write his own Name, 
 and fo was refolv'd to make his Ward no wiier 
 than himfelf, I think. 
 
 Spri. Oh ! fye, Mr. Cadwallader, you don't 
 do yourfelf Juflice. 
 
 Cape. Indeed, Sir, we muft contradict you, 
 we can't fuffer this Defamation. I have more 
 than once heard Mr. Cadwalladers literary Ac- 
 quifitions loudly talk'd of. 
 
 Cad. Have you? no, no, it can't be, 
 hey ! tho' let me tell you, laft Winter, before 
 I had the Meafles, I cou'd have made as good a 
 Speech upon any Subject, in Italian, French, 
 German but I am all unhing'd; all .... .Oh! 
 Lord, Mr. Cape, this is Becky ; my dear Becky, 
 
 Child, this is a great Poet ah, but me does 
 
 not know what that is-; a little foolifli or fo, 
 but of a very good Family -here Becky, Child, 
 won't you afk Mr. Cape to come and fee you ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. As Dicky fays, \ IhaH be glad to 
 fee you at our Houfe, Sir. 
 
 Cape. I have too great a Regard for my own 
 Happinefs, Ma'am, to mifs (6 certain an Op- 
 portunity of creating it. 
 
 Mrs. Cad, Hey! What? 
 Cape. My Inclinations, as well as my Duty, 
 I fay, will Compel me to obey your kind In- 
 junctions. 
 
 Mrs. Cad,
 
 A U T H O R. 21 
 
 Mrs. Cad. What does h*e fay, our Bell ? 
 
 Arab. Oh, that he can have no greater 
 Pleafure than waiting on you. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I'm fure that's more his Goodnefs 
 than my Defert ; but when you be'nt better en- 
 gag'd we (hou'd be glad of your Company of an 
 Evening to make one with our Dicky, Sifter Be//, 
 and I, at Whifk and Swabbers. 
 
 Cad. Hey, ecod do, Cape, come and look at 
 her Grotto and Shells and- fee what me has got 
 - well, he'll come, Beck, ecod do, and fhe'll 
 come to the third Night of your Tragedy, hey ! 
 
 won't you, Beck ? is'nt flie a fine Girl ? 
 
 hey, you; humour her a little, do; hey, 
 
 Beck -, he fays you are as fine a Woman as ever 
 he ecod who knows but he may make a Copy 
 of Verfes on you ? there, go, and have a little 
 Chat with her, talk any Nonfenfe to her, no 
 Matter what ; ihe's a damn'd Fool, and won't 
 know the Difference there, go, Beck well, 
 Sprightly, hey ! what are you and Bell like to 
 come together ? Oh, ecod, they tell me, Mr. 
 Sprightly, that you have frequently Lords and 
 Vifcounts and Earls, that take a Dinner with 
 you ; now I fhou'd look upon it as a very par- 
 ticular Favour, if you would invite me at the 
 fame Time, hey ! will you ? 
 
 Spri. You may depend on it. 
 
 Cad. Will you ? Gad, that's kind ; for be- 
 tween you and I, Mr. Sprightly, I am of as 
 antient a Family as the belt of them, and Peo- 
 ple of FaOiion (hou'd know one another, you 
 know. 
 
 Spri. By all manner of Means. 
 
 C 3 Cad.
 
 22 r&e A U T Rt O R. 
 
 Hey ! mould not they fo ? When ybii 
 have any Lord, or Baron, nay egad, if it be but 
 a Baronet, or a Member of Parliament, I fhou'd 
 take it as a Favour. 
 
 Spri. You will do them honour; they muft 
 all have heard of the Antiquity of your Houfe. 
 
 Cad. Antiquity ! hey ! Beck, where's my 
 Pedigree ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why at Home, lock'd up in the 
 Butler's Pantry. 
 
 Cad. In the Pantry ! What the Devil, how 
 often have I bid you never to come out with- 
 out it? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Lord ! What fignifies carrying 
 fuch a lumb'ring Thing about ? 
 
 Cad. Signifies ! you are a Fool, Beck, why 
 fuppofe we mould have any Difputes when we 
 are abroad, about Precedence ? how the Devil 
 fhall we be able to fettle it ? But you mall fee 
 it at Home. Oh Becky, come hither, we will 
 refer our Difpute to - (^key go apart.) 
 
 Arab. Well, Sir, your Friend has prevail'd -, 
 you are acquainted with my Brother ; but what 
 Ufe you propofe - 
 
 Cape. The Pleafure of a more frequent Ad- 
 mifTion to you. 
 
 Arab. That all ? 
 
 Cape. Who knows but a flricl: intimacy with 
 Mr. Gadwallader may in Time incline him to 
 favour my Hopes ? 
 
 Arab. A fandy Foundation ! Cou'd he be 
 prevail'd upon to forgive your Want of Fortune; 
 the Obfcurity, or at Ipaft Uncertainty, of your 
 Birth, will prove an unfurmoun table Bar. 
 
 Cad.
 
 A U T H O R. 23 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, hold, Beck ; zounds ! you 
 
 are fo 
 
 Spri. Well, but hear him out, Ma'am. 
 Cape. Confider we have bqt an Inftant. 
 What Project? What Advice ? 
 
 Arab. O fye ! You would be afham'd to re- 
 ceive Succour from a weak Woman ! Poetry is 
 your Profefiion, you know j fo that Plots, Con- 
 trivances, and all the Powers of Imagination, 
 are more peculiarly your Province. 
 Cape. Is this a Seafon to rally ? 
 Cad. Hold, hold, hold ; afk Mr. Cape. 
 Arab. To be ferious then -, if you have any 
 Point to gain with my Brother, your Applica- 
 tion muft be made to his better Part. 
 
 Cape. I underfland you ; plough with the 
 Heifer. 
 
 Arab. A delicate Allufion, on my Word ; 
 but take this Hint Amongfl her Paffions, Ad- 
 miration, or rather Adoration, is the principal. 
 Cape. Oh ; that is her Foible ? 
 Arab. One of them; againft that Fort you 
 muft plant your Batteries But here they are. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I tell you, you are a nonfenfeMan, 
 and I won't agree to any fuch Thing : Why 
 what fignifies a Parliament Man ? You make 
 fuch a Rout indeed. 
 
 Cad. Hold, Becky, my Dear, don't be in a 
 Paflion now, hold ; let us reafon the Thing a 
 little, my Dear. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I tell you I won't ; whaf s the 
 Man an Oafe ? I wr n't reafon, I hate reafon, 
 and fo there's an End on't. 
 
 Cad. Why then you are obftinate ecod, per- 
 
 verfe, hey ! But my Dear, now, Becky, that's a 
 
 C 4 good
 
 24 Me A U T H O R. 
 
 good Girl : Hey ! come, hold, hold Egad, 
 
 we'll refer it to Mr. Cape. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Defer it to who you will, it will 
 fjgnify nothing. 
 
 Cape. Blefs me, what's the Matter, Madam ? 
 Sure, Mr. Cadwallader, you muft have been to 
 blame ; no inconfiderable Matter cou'd have 
 ruffled the natural Softnefs of that tender and 
 delicate Mind. 
 
 Arab. Pretty well commenced. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why he's always a Fool, I think ; 
 he wants to fend our little Dicky to School, and 
 make him a Parliament Man. 
 
 Cape. How old is Mafter, Ma'am ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Three Years and a Quarter, come 
 Lady-day. 
 
 Gape. The Intention is rather early. 
 Cad. Hey ! early, hold, hold ; but Becky, 
 miftakes the Thing, egad I'll tell you the 
 whole Affair. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. You had better hold your chat- 
 tering, fo you had. v# 
 
 Gad. Nay, prythee, my Dear ; Mr. Spright- 
 ly, do, flop her Mouth, hold, hold ; the Matter, 
 Mr. Cape, is this. Have you ever feen my Dicky ? 
 
 Cape. Never. 
 
 Cad. No ? Hold, hold, egad he's a fine, a fen- 
 fible Child ; I tell Becky he's like her, to keep 
 her in Humour; but between you and I he has 
 more Senfe already, than all her Family put to- 
 gether. Hey! Becky\ is not Dicky the Pi&ure 
 of you? He's a fweet Child ! Now, Mr. Cape, 
 you muft know, I want to put little Dicky to 
 School; now between hey! you, hold, you, 
 hold, the great U/e of a School is, hey ! egad, 
 
 for
 
 We A U T H O R. 25 
 
 for Children to make Acquaintances, that may 
 hereafter be ufeful to them; for between you 
 and I, as to what they learn there, does not 
 fignify Two-pence. 
 Cape. Not a Farthing. 
 Cad. Does it, hey ? Now this is our Difpute, 
 whether poor little Dicky, he's a fweet Boy, 
 {hall go to Mr. <%ua- Genius's at Edgivare, and 
 make an Acquaintance with my young Lord 
 Knap, the eldeft Son of the Earl of Prize, or to 
 Doctor Ticklepifcbers at Barnet, to form a 
 Friendfhip with young Stocks, the rich Broker's 
 only Child. 
 
 Cape. And for which does the Lady deter- 
 mine ? 
 
 Cad. Why I have told her the Cafe ; fays I, 
 Becky, my Dear ; who knows, if Dicky goes to 
 Qua Genius's, but my Lord Knap may take 
 fuch a Fancy to him, that upon the Death of 
 his Father, and he comes to be Earl of Prize, 
 he may make poor little Dicky a Member of 
 Parliament ? Hey ! Cape ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, but then if Dicky goes to 
 icklepitcher who can tell but young Stocks, 
 when he comes to his Fortune, may lend him 
 Money if he wants it ? 
 
 Cad. And if he does not want it, he won't 
 take after his Father, hey ! Well, what's your 
 Opinion, Mafter Cape ? 
 
 Cape. Why Sir, I can't but join with the 
 Lady, Money is the main Article ; it is that 
 that makes the Mare to go. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! egad, and the Alderman too, 
 you ; fo Dicky may be a Member, and a Fig 
 for my Lord : Well, Becky, be quiet, he mall 
 flick to Stocks. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 2 6 735* A U T H O R. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay let'n -, I was fure as how I 
 was right. 
 
 Cad. Well, hum Becky. Mr. Cape, will you 
 cat a Bit with us to-day, hey ! will you ? 
 
 Cape. You command me.,. 
 
 Cad. That's kind -, why then jforfy and Bell 
 fhall flep and order the Cook to tofs up a little, 
 nice Hey ! will you, Becky ? Do, and I'll 
 bring Cape. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, with all my Heart. Well, 
 Mr. What-dye-cairum, the Poet; ecod the 
 Man's well enough Your Servant. 
 
 Cape. I am a little too much in Difhabille, 
 to offer your Ladyfhip my Hand to your Coach. 
 
 Cad. Pmaw ! never mind, I'll do it Here 
 you have Company coming. 
 
 (Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Cad. and Arab. 
 
 Enter GOVERNOR and ROBIN. 
 
 Cape. Ah, Matter Robin \ 
 
 Robin. Why, you have a great Levee this 
 Morning, Sir. 
 
 Cape. Ay Robin, there's no obfcuring ex- 
 traordinary Talents. 
 
 Rob. True, Sir ; and this Friend of mine 
 begs to claim the Benefit of them. 
 
 Cape. Any Friend of yours : But how can I 
 be ferviceable to him ? 
 
 Rob. Why, Sir, he is lately return'd from a 
 profitable Government; and, as you know the 
 unfatisfied Mind of Man, no fooner is one Ob- 
 ject pofTefs'd, but another {tarts up to 
 
 Cape. A Truce to moralizing, dear Robin 9 
 to the Matter ; I am a little bufy. 
 
 Rob.
 
 f&e A U T H O R. 27 
 
 'Rob. In a Word then, this Gentleman, 
 having a good deal of Wealth, is defirous of a 
 little Honour. 
 
 Cape. How can I confer it ? 
 
 Rob. Your Pen may. 
 
 Cape. I don't underftand you. 
 
 Rob. Why touch him up a handfome com- 
 plimentary Addrefs from his Colony, by Way of 
 praifing the Prudence of his Adminiftration, 
 his Juftice, Valour, Benevolence, and 
 
 Cape. I am forry 'tis impoffible for me now 
 to mifunderftand you. The Obligations I owe 
 you, Robin, nothing can cancel j othefwife, 
 
 this wou'd prove our laft Interview. -Your 
 
 Friend, Sir, has been a little miftaken, in re- 
 commending me as a Perfon fit for your Purpofe. 
 Letters have been always my Paflion, and indeed 
 are now my Profeffion ; but tho' I am the 
 Servant of the' Public, I am not the Proftitute 
 of Particulars : As my Pen has never been 
 ting'd with Gall, to gratify popular Refent- 
 ment, or private Pique, fo it fliall never facrificc 
 its Integrity to flatter Pride, impofe Falftiood, 
 or palliate Guilt. Your Merit may be great, 
 but let thofe, Sir, be the Heralds of your 
 Worth, who are better acquainted with it. 
 
 Qov. Young Man, I like your Principles and 
 Spirit; your manly Refuial gives me more 
 Pleafure, than any Honors your Papers cou J> d 
 have procured me. 
 
 Spri. Now this Bufinefs is difpatch'd, let us 
 
 return to our own Affairs You dine at 
 
 Cadwalladers ? 
 
 Cafe. I do. 
 
 Spri.
 
 2 8 We A U T H O R. 
 
 Spri. Wou'd it not be convenient to you, to 
 have him out of the Way ? 
 
 Cape. Extremely. 
 
 Spri. I have a Project, that I think will 
 prevail. 
 
 Cape. Of what kind ? 
 
 Spri. Bordering upon the Dramatic ; but the 
 Time is fo preffing, I fhall be at a lofs to pro- 
 cure Performers. Let's fee Robin is a fure 
 
 Card A Principal may eafily be met with, 
 
 but where the Duce can I get an Interpreter ? 
 
 Rob. Offer yourfelf, Sir ; it will give you an 
 Opportunity of more clofely infpecting the 
 Conduct of your Son. 
 
 Gov. True. Sir, tho' a Scheme of this Sort 
 may ill fuit with my Character and Time of 
 Life, yet from a private Intereft I take in that 
 Gentleman's Affairs, if the Means are honour- 
 able 
 
 Spri. Innocent upon my Credit. 
 
 Gov. Why then, Sir, I have no Objection, 
 if you think me equal to the Tafk 
 
 Spri. Moft happily fitted for it. I fhou'd not 
 have taken the Liberty but hum ! He's re- 
 turn'd. 
 
 "Enter CADWALLADER. 
 
 Spri. My dear Friend ! the luckieft Cir- 
 cumftance ! 
 
 Cad. Hey ! how ? Stay, hey ! 
 
 Spri. You fee that Gentleman ? 
 
 Cad. Well, hey! 
 
 Spri. Do you know who he is ? 
 
 Cad. Not I. 
 
 Spri. He is Interpreter to Prince Potowow/ky. 
 
 Cad. Wowjky* Who the Devil is he?
 
 A U T H O R. 29 
 
 Sfri. Why the Tartarian Prince, that's come 
 over Ambaffador from the Cham of the Col- 
 mucks. 
 
 Cad. Indeed ! 
 
 Spri. His Highnefs has juft fent me an In* 
 vitation to dine with him ; now every body 
 that dines with a Tartarian Lord, has a Right 
 to carry with him what the Latins call'd his 
 Umbra; in their Language it is Jablanoujky. 
 
 Cad. Jablanoujky \ well ? 
 
 Spri. Now if you will go in that Capacity, 
 I mall be glad of the Honour. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! why wou'd you carry me to dine 
 with his Royal Highnefs ? 
 
 Spri. With Pleafure, 
 
 Cad. My dear Friend, I (hall take it as the 
 greatefl Favour, the greateft Obligation-' ^1 
 fhall never be able to return it, 
 
 Spri. Don't mention it. 
 
 Cad. Hey I but hold, hold, how the Devil 
 /hall I get off with the Poet ? You know I 
 have afk'd him to Dinner. 
 
 Spri. Oh, the Occafion will be Apology 
 fufficient; befides, there will be the Ladies to 
 receive him. 
 
 Cad. My dear Mr. Cafe, I beg ten thoufand 
 Pardons, but here your Friend is invited to 
 
 Pinner with Prince- -what the Devil is his 
 
 Name ? 
 
 Spri. Potowowjki. 
 
 Cad. True - 9 now, Sir, ecod he has been fp - 
 kind as to offer to carry me as his Jablanoujky, 
 7/ou'd you be fo good to excufe 
 
 By all means ; not a \Vord, I beg.
 
 3 o We A U T H O R, 
 
 Cad. That is exceeding kind ; I'll come to 
 you after Dinner; hey! flay, but is there any 
 Ceremony to be ufed with his Highnefs ? 
 
 Sprl. You dine upon Carpets, crofs-legg'd. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, crofs-legg'd, Zounds! 
 that's ocJd, well, well, you (hall teach me. 
 
 Spri. And his Highnefs is particularly pleafed 
 with thofe amongft his Guelts that do honour 
 to his country Soup. 
 
 Gad. Oh ! let me alone for that ; but fliould 
 not 1 drefs ? 
 
 Sfri. No, there's no Occafion for it. 
 
 Cad. Dear Friend, forgive me; nothing 
 Should take me from you, but being a Hobblin 
 Wijky. Well, I'll go and ftudy to fit crofs- 
 legg'd, 'till you call me. 
 
 Spri. Do fo. 
 
 Cad. His Highnefs Potowowjky \ This is the 
 luckieft Accident ! (Exit. 
 
 Cape. Hah ! hah ! hah ! but how will you 
 conduct your Enterprize ? 
 
 Spri. We'll carry him to your Friend Robins ; 
 drefs up one of the under Actors in a ridiculous 
 Habit; this Gentleman mall talk a Jittle Gibbe- 
 rim with him. I'll compofe'a Soup of fome nau-< 
 feous Ingredients; let me alone to manage. But 
 do youchufe, Sir, the Part we have affign'd ? 
 
 Gov. As it feems to be but a harmlefs Piece 
 of Mirth, I have no objection. 
 
 Spri. Well then let us about it; come, Sir, 
 , Gape. Mr. Sprightly ! 
 
 Spri. What's the Matter ? 
 
 Cape. Wou'd it not be right to be a little 
 fpruce, a little fmart uppn this Occasion ?
 
 <Tbe A U T H O R. 31 
 
 Spri. No doubt; drefs, drefs, Man 5 no Time 
 is to be loft. 
 
 Cape. Well, but Jack, I cannot fay that at 
 prefent I - 
 
 Spri. Prythee explain. What would you fay ? 
 
 Cape. Why then, I cannot fay, that I have 
 any other Garments at Home. 
 
 Spri. Oh, I underftand you, is that all ? 
 Here, here, take my 
 
 Cape. Dear Sprightly, I am quite afhamed, 
 and forry. 
 
 Spri. That's not fo obliging, George; what, 
 forry to give me the greateft Pleafure that-^ 
 But I have no time for Speeches ; I muft run to 
 get ready my Soup. Come, Gentlemen. 
 
 Rob. Did you obferve, Sir ? 
 
 Gov. Moft feelingly ! But it will foon be 
 over. 
 
 Rob. Courage, Sir ; Times perhaps may 
 change. 
 
 Cape. A poor Profpeft, Robin ! But this 
 Scheme of Life at leaft muft be changed ; for 
 what Spirit, with the leaft Spark of Gene- 
 rofity, can fupport a Life of eternal Obliga^- 
 tion, and difagreeable Drudgery ? Inclination 
 not confulted, Genius cramp'd, and Talents 
 mifapply'd. 
 
 What Profpect have thofe Authors to be read, 
 Whofe daily Writings earn their daily Bread f 
 
 (Exeunt. 
 
 End of the Firft Ad*. 
 
 ACT II,
 
 A U T H O R, 
 ACT II. 
 
 Young CAPE and Mrs. CAPWALLADE&* 
 at Cards, 
 
 Mrs. ? ""y OU want four, and I two, and 
 
 Cad. 5 my Deal : Now, Knave nodfly 
 no, Hearts be Trumps. 
 
 Cape. I beg. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Will you flock 'em ? 
 
 Cape. Go on, if you pleafe, Madam, 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hearts againOne, two, three $ 
 one, 'two, hang 'em, they won't (lip, three. 
 
 Diamonds -the two: Have your higher than 
 
 the Queen ? 
 
 Cape. No, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Then there's higheft-^-and low- 
 eft, by Gofh. Games are even -, you are to deal. 
 
 Cage. Pfhaw, hang Cards j there are other 
 Amuiements better fuited to a tte-a tete, than 
 any the four Aces can afford us. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. What Paftimes be they ? -Wa 
 
 ben't enough for Hunt the Whittle, nor Blindr 
 Man's Buff: but I'll call our Bell, and Robin 
 the Butler. E>ieky will be here an Bye. 
 
 Cafe. Hold a Minute. I have a Game to 
 propofe, where the Prefence of a third Perfon, 
 efpecially Mr. Cadwallader^^ wou'd totally ruin 
 the Sport. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, what can that be ? 
 
 Cape. Can't you guefs ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Not I'; Qijeftions ^n4 Commands, 
 mayhap. 
 
 Cape.
 
 A U T H O R. 33 
 
 Cape. Not abfolutely that fome little Re- 
 
 femblance ; for I am to requeft, and you are to 
 command. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Oh daify ! that's charming, I ne- 
 ver play'd at that in all my born Days -, come, 
 begin then, 
 
 Cape. Can you love me ? 
 
 Mrs.Cad. Love you! But is it in jeft or earned? 
 
 Cape. That is as you pleafe to determine. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. But mayn't I afk you QuefHons 
 too ? 
 
 Cape. Doubtlefs. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why then do you love Me ? 
 
 Cape. With all my Soul. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Upon your Sayfo. 
 
 Cape. Upon my Sayfo. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I'm glad on't with all my Heart. 
 This is the rareft Paftime ! 
 
 Cape. But you have notanfwer'dmyQueftion. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hey ? that's true. Why I believe 
 there's no Love loft. 
 
 Cape. So ; our Game will foon be over -, I 
 fhall ba up at a Deal. I wim I mayn't be en- 
 gag'd to play deeper here than I intended tho'. 
 
 (Afide.) 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Well, now 'tis your Turn. 
 
 Cape. True ; aye ; but zooks you are too 
 hafty ; the Pleafure of this Play, like Hunting, 
 does not coniift in immediately chopping the 
 Prey. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. No! How then ? 
 
 Cape. Why firft I am to ftart you, then run 
 
 you a little in View, then lofe you, then un- 
 
 D ravel
 
 34 <fbe A U T H O R. 
 
 ravel all the Tricks and Doubles you make to 
 efcape me. 
 
 You fly oer Hedge and Stile, 
 I purfuefor many a Mile, 
 Ton grow tird at lajl and guaf, 
 Then I catch you, and all that. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Dear me, there's a deal on't ! I 
 fhall never be able to hold out long ; I had 
 rather be taken in View. 
 
 Cape. I believe you. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Well, come, begin and ftart me, 
 that I may come the fooner to quatting HuQi ! 
 here's Sifter; what the Deuce brought her? Bell 
 will be for learning this Game too, but don't 
 you teach her for your Life, Mr. Poet. 
 
 Enter ARABELLA. 
 
 +?*. :'.. 
 
 Arab. Your Mantua-maker, with your new 
 Sack, Sifter. 
 
 Mrs . Cad. Is that all ? She might have 
 ftay'd I think. 
 
 Arab. What ? You were better engaged ? 
 But don't be angry, I am forry I interrupted 
 you. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hey ! Now will I be hang'd if fhe 
 be'nt jealous of Mr. Poet ; but I'll Men, and 
 fee the End on't, I'm refolved. ( Afide and Exit . 
 
 Arab. Are you concern'd at the Interruption 
 too? 
 
 Cape. It was a very feafonable one, I pro- 
 mife you; had you ftay'd a little longer, I don't 
 know what might have been the Confequence. 
 
 Arab. No Danger to your Perfon, I hope. 
 
 Cape.
 
 The A U T H O R. 35 
 
 Cafe. Some little Attacks upon it. 
 
 Arab. Which were as feebly refilled. 
 
 Cape. Why, confider, my dear Bell; tho* 
 your Sifter is a. Fool, (he is a fine Woman, and 
 Flem is frail. 
 
 Arab. Dear .&>/// And Flefh is frail! We 
 are grown ftrangely familiar, I think. 
 
 Cape. Heydey ! In what Corner fits the Wind 
 now ? 
 
 Arab. Where it may poflibly blow ftrong 
 enough to overfet your Hopes. 
 
 Cape. That a Breeze of your Breath can do. 
 
 Arab. Affected ! 
 
 Cape . You are obliging Madam ; but pray, 
 what is the Meaning of all this ? 
 
 Arab. Afk your own guilty Confcience. 
 
 Cape. Were I inclined to flatter myfelf, this 
 little Paffion vvou'd be no bad Prefage. 
 
 Arab. You may prove a falfe Prophet. 
 
 Cape. Let me die, if I know what to But 
 to defcend to a little common Senfe; what 
 Part of my Conduct 
 
 Arab. Look'e, Mr. Cape, all Explanations 
 are unnecefTary : I have been lucky enough to 
 difcover your Difpofition before it is too late ; 
 and fo you know there's no Occafion but 
 however, I'll not be any impediment to you; 
 my Sifter will be back immediately ; I fuppofe 
 my Prefence will only But confider, Sir, I 
 have a Brother's Honour 
 
 Cape. Which is as fafe from, me, as if it was 
 lock'd up in your Brother's Clofet : But fure- 
 ly, Madam, you are a little capricious, here j 
 have I done any thing but obey your Di- 
 rections ? 
 
 D 2 Arab.
 
 A U T H O R. 
 
 Arab. That was founded upon a Suppofitkm 
 >ut no matter. 
 
 Cape. That what ? 
 
 Arab. Why, I was weak enough to believe, 
 what you was wicked enough to proteft 
 
 Cape. That I loved you ; and what Reafon. 
 have I given you to doubt it ? 
 
 Arab. A pretty Situation I found you in at 
 my Entrance. 
 
 Cape. An affumed Warmth, for the better 
 concealing the Fraud. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. What's that ? (Afide, lijlening. 
 
 Cape. Surely if you doubted my Constancy, 
 you muft have a better Opinion of my Under- 
 itanding. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Mighty well. (Afide. 
 
 Cape. What an Ideot, a Driveller ! no Con- 
 lideration upon Earth, but my paving the Way 
 to the Pofleffion of you, could have prevail'd 
 upon me to fupport her Folly a Minute. 
 
 Enter Mrs. CADWALLADER. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Soh ! Mr. Poet, you are a pretty 
 Gentleman, indeed; ecod, I'm glad I have 
 caught you. I'm not fuch a Fool as you think 
 for, Man ; but here will be Dicky presently, he 
 fhall hear of your Tricks, he mail : I'll let him 
 know what a pretty Perfon he has got in his 
 Houfe. 
 
 Cape. There's no parrying this ; had not I 
 better decamp. 
 
 Arab. And leave me to the Mercy of the 
 Enemy : My Brother's Temper is fo odd, there's 
 no knowing in what Light he'll fee this. 
 
 Mrs. Cad.
 
 AUTHOR. 37 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Oh, he's below, I hear him. 
 Now we fhall hear what he'll fay to you* 
 Madam. 
 
 Enter CADWALLADER, GOVERNOR, 
 SPRIGHTLY and ROBIN. 
 
 Cad. No, pray walk in, Mr. Interpreter % 
 between you and I, I like his Royal High- 
 nefs mightily; he's a polite, pretty, well-bred 
 Gentleman but damn his Soup. 
 
 Gov. Why, Sir, you eat as if you lik'd it. 
 
 Cad. Lik'd it ! hey, egad, I would not eat 
 another Mefs to be his Matter's prime Minifter; 
 as bitter as Gall, and as black as my Hat; and 
 there have I been fitting thefe two Hours with 
 my legs under me 'till they are both as ^dead 
 as a Herring. 
 
 Cape. Your Dinner difpleas'd you ? 
 
 Cad. Difpleas'd ! hey ! Look'e, Mr. Spright- 
 ly, I'm mightily obliged to you for the Honour; 
 but hold, hold, you (hall never perfuade me to 
 be a Hobblinwijky again, if the great Cham of 
 the Calmucks were to come over himfelf. Hey ! 
 and what a damn'd Language hashe got ? Whee, 
 haw, haw ! but you fpeak it very fluently. 
 
 Gov. 1 was long relident in the Country. 
 
 Cad. May be fo, but he feems to fpeak it 
 better ; you have a foreign kind of an Accent, 
 you don't found it through the Nofe fo well as 
 he. Hey ! well Becky, what, and how have 
 you entertain'd Mr. Cape ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Oh ! here have been fine Doings 
 fmce you have been gone. 
 
 Cafe, So, now comes on the Storm, 
 
 D 3 Cad.
 
 38 ^AUTHOR. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, what has been the 
 Matter ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Matter ! why the Devil is in 
 the Poet, I think. 
 
 Cad. The Devil ! hold. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why here he has been making 
 Love to me like bewitch'd. 
 
 Cad. How, /which Way ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why fome on't was out of his 
 Poetry, I think. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, egad I believe he's a 
 little mad -, this Morning he took me for King 
 ^urnus, you; now who can tell, but this Af- 
 ternoon he may take you for Queen Dido ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And there he told me I was to run, 
 and to double, and quat, and there he was to 
 catch me, and all that. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, catch you ? Mr. Cape, I 
 take it very unkindly ; it was, d'ye fee, a very 
 unfriendly Thing to make Love to Becky in 
 my Abfence. 
 
 Cape. But, Sir. 
 
 Cad. And it was the more ungenerous, Mr. 
 Cape, to take this Advantage, as you know me 
 is but a fooliih Woman. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, me ; who am but a foolifh 
 Woman, 
 
 Cape. But hear me. 
 
 Cad. A poor ignorant, illiterate, poor Becky \ 
 And for a Man of your Parts to attack^ 
 
 Cape. There's no 
 
 Gad, Hold, hold, ecod it is juft as if the 
 Grand Signer, at the Head of his Janifaries 
 to
 
 AUT. 39 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hey ! what's that you fay, Dicky ; 
 what, be I like a Chimney-fweeper ? 
 
 Cad. Hey! hold, hold. Zounds! no,Bec&; 
 hey ! no : That's only by Way of Simile, to let 
 him fee I underftand your Tropes, and Figures^ 
 as well as himfelf, egad ! and therefore 
 
 Spri. Nay, but Mr. Cadwallader 
 
 Cad. Don't mention it, Mr. Sprightly, he is 
 the firft Poet I" ever had in my Houfe, except 
 the Bellman for a Chriftmas-box. 
 
 Spri. Good Sir. 
 
 Cad. And hold, hold j I am refolved he {hall 
 be the laft. 
 
 Spri. I have but one Way to filence him. 
 
 Cad. And let me tell you 
 
 Spri. Nay, Sir, if I muft tell him ; he owes 
 his Reception here to my Recommendation ; 
 any abufe of your Goodnefs, any Breach of 
 Hofpitality here, he is anfwerable to me for. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, fo he is, ecod -, at 
 him; give it him home. 
 
 Spri. Ungrateful Monfter ! and is this your 
 Return for the open, generous Treatment * 
 
 Mrs, Cad. As good fry'd Cow-heel, with a 
 roaft Fowl and Saulages, as ever came toa Table. 
 
 Cad. Hum, Beck, hum ! 
 
 Spri. And cou'd you find no other Object, 
 but Mr. Cadwallader; a Man, perhaps, pofTefs'd 
 of a Genius fuperior to your own 
 
 Cad. If I had had a Univerfity Education 
 
 Spri. And of a Famity as old as the Creation. 
 
 Cad. Older ; Beck, fetch the Pedigree. 
 
 Spri. Thus far relates to this Gentleman ; 
 but now, Sir, what Apology can you make me, 
 who was your PafTport, your Security ? 
 
 D 4 Cad.
 
 40 T 'be A U T PJ O R. 
 
 Cad. Zounds, none ; fight him, 
 Spri. Fight him ? 
 
 CW. Ay, do; I'd fight him myfelf, if I had 
 not had the Meafles laft Winter ; but Hay till 
 I get out of the Room. 
 
 Spri. No, he's fure of a Protection here, the 
 Prefence of the Ladies. 
 
 Cad. Pfliaw, Pox ! they belong to the Far 
 mily, never mind them. 
 
 Spri. Well, Sir, are you dumb ? No Excufe? 
 No Palliation ? 
 
 Cad. Ay, no Palliation ? 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, no Tribulation ? It's a Shame, 
 fo it is, 
 
 Cape. When I have leave to fpeak- 
 
 Cad. Speak ! what the -Devil can you fay ? 
 
 Cape. Nay, Sir 
 
 Spri. Let's hear him, Mr. Cadwallader, how- 
 ever, 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold ; come, begin then. 
 Cape. And firft to you Mr. Sprightly, as you 
 feen moft interested ; pray does this Charge 
 correfpond with any other Aftipn of my Life, 
 fince I have had the honour to know you ? 
 Spri. Indeed, I can't fay that I recollect, bu,t 
 ftill as the Scholiafts fays Nemo, repente fuit 
 turpijimus. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, what's that? 
 Spri. Why, that is as much as to fay, thjs 
 is bad epough. 
 
 Mrs.. Cad. By Gom ! and fo it is. 
 Cad. Ecod, and fo it is : Speak a little more 
 Latin to him; if I had been bred at the Uni- 
 yerfity, -you ihpu'd have jt both Sides of yoqr 
 Ears.
 
 We A U T H O R. 41 
 
 Cape. A little Patience, Gentlemen ; now, 
 to you ; you were pleafed yourfelf to drop a 
 few Hints of your Lady's Weaknefs; might 
 not (he take too ferioufly, what was meant as a 
 mere Matter of Merriment ? 
 
 Cad. Hey! hold, hold, 
 
 Spri. A paltry Excufe ; can any Woman be 
 fuch a F.ool as not to know when a Man has a 
 Deiign upon her Perfon ? 
 
 Cad. Anfwer that Mr. Cape, hey ! Anfwer 
 that, 
 
 Cape. I can only anfwer for the Innocency 
 of my own Intentions ; may not your Lady, 
 apprehenfive of my becoming too great a Fa- 
 vourite, contrive this Charge with a View of 
 ideftroying the Connexion 
 
 Spri. Connexion ! 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, Connexion. 
 
 Spri. There's fomething in that 
 
 Cad. Hey ! is there? Hold, hold, hey! egad, 
 he is right: ^You're right, Mr. Cape\ hold, 
 Becky, my Dear, how the Devil cou'd you be 
 fo wicked, hey ! Child ; ecod, hold, hold, 
 how could you have the Wickedriefs to attempt 
 fo deftroy the Connexion ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I don't know what you fay. 
 
 Cad. D'ye hear ? You are an Incendiary, but 
 you have mifs'd your Point ; the Connexion 
 {hall be only the ftronger : My dear Friend, I 
 beg ten thoufand Pardons, I \yas too hafty -, but 
 jecod, Becky's to blame. 
 
 Cape. The Return of your Favour has ef- 
 faced every other Impreffion. 
 
 There's a goocj-natured Creature! 
 
 Cape,
 
 42 We A U T H O R. 
 
 Cape. But if you have the leaft Doubts re- 
 maining, this Lady, your Sifter, I believe, will 
 do me the Juilice to own 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, afk my Fellow, if I -be a 
 Thief. 
 
 Cad. What the Devil is Becky at now ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. She's as bad as he. 
 
 Cad. Bad as he? Hey! how; what the 
 Devil, flhe did not make Love tc you too ? 
 Stop, hey ! hold, hold, hold. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why no, Foolifh, but you are al- 
 Hvays running on with your Riggmonrowles, 
 and won't ftay to hear a Body's Story out. 
 
 Cad. Well, Beck, come let's have it. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Be quiet then ; why, as I was 
 telling you, firft he made Love to me, and 
 wanted me to be a Hare. 
 
 Cad. A Hare ! hold, ecod, that was whim- 
 fical; a Hare ! hey! oh ecod, that might be 
 becaufe he thought you a little hair-brain'd al- 
 Teady : Becky, a damn'd good Story. Well, 
 Beck t go on, let's have it out. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. No, I won't tell you no more, fo 
 I won't. 
 
 Cad. Nay, prythee, Beck. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hold your Tongue then : And fo 
 there he was going on with his Nonfenfe, and 
 fo in come our Bell; and fo 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, Becky; damn yourSo's; 
 go on, Child, but leave out your So's ; its a 
 ! ow hold, hold, vulgar -but go on, 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why how can I go on, when 
 you .flop me every Minute ? Well, and then 
 our 'Bell came in and interrupted him, and 
 
 me*
 
 The A U T H O R. 43 
 
 methought Ihe looked very frumpifti] and 
 jealous. 
 
 Cad. Well. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And fo \ went out and liflen'd. 
 
 Cad. So, what you ftaid and liften'd ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. No ; I tell you upon my flaying, 
 (he went out; no upon my going out, me 
 {laid. 
 
 Cad. This is a damn'd blind Story, but go 
 on, Beck. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And then at firfl me fcolded him 
 roundly for making Love to me ; and then he 
 faid as how me advifed him to it ; and then (he 
 faid no j and then he faid 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold ; we (hall never understand 
 all thefe He's and She's ; this may all be very 
 true, Beck, but, hold, hold; as I hope to be 
 faved, thpu art the worft Teller of a Story 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Well, I have but a Word more ; 
 and then he faid as how I was a great Fool. 
 
 Cad. Not much miftaken in that. ( ' Afide.) 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And that he wou'd not have 
 flay'd with Me a Minute, but to pave the Way 
 to the Poffeffion of She. 
 
 Cad. Well, Beck, well ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Andfo that's all. , 
 
 Cad. Make Love to Her, in Order to get 
 PoffefTion of You ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Love to Me, in order to get She. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Oh, now I begin to underfland. 
 Hey! What's this true, Bell ? Hey! Hold, 
 hold, hold; ecod, I begin to fmoke, hey ! 
 Mr. Cape ? 
 
 Cape, How (hall I ad ? 
 
 Ret, Own jt, Sir, J have a Reafon, 
 
 Cad,
 
 44 
 
 A U T H O R. 
 
 Cad. Well, what fay you, Mr. Cape ? Let's 
 have it, without Equivocation ; or, hold, hold, 
 hold, mental Reservation. Guilty, or not ? 
 
 Cape. Of what, Sir ? 
 
 Cad. Of what? Hold, hold, of making 
 Love to Bell. 
 
 Cape. Guilty. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! how ? Hold, Zounds ! No, what 
 not with an Intention to marry her ? 
 
 Cape. With the Lady's Approbation, and 
 your kind Confent. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, what my Confent to mar- 
 ry You ? 
 
 Cape. Ay, Sir". . 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, hold, what our Bdl? To 
 mix the Blood of the Cadwalladers with the 
 Puddle of a Poet? 
 
 Cape. Sir? 
 
 Cad. A petty, paltry, ragged, rhiming - 
 
 Sfri. But Mr. - 
 
 Cad. A fcribbling, hold, hold, hold- -- . 
 Garretteer ? that has no more Cloaths than 
 Backs, np more Heads than Hats, and no 
 Shoes to his Feet, 
 
 Spri. Nay, but - 
 
 Cad. The Offspring of a Dunghill ! Born in 
 # Cellar, hold, hold, and living in a Garret $ 
 a Fungus, a Muftiroom. 
 
 Cape. Sir, my Family-* 
 
 Cad. Your Family! Hold, hold, hold, Peter, 
 fetch the Pedigree; I'll fhew you - Your 
 Family ! a little obfcure-- -hold, hold, I don't 
 believe you ever -had a Grandfather, 
 
 Enfer
 
 A U T H O R. 45 
 
 Enter PETER W//6 the Pedigree. 
 
 There it is ; there -, Peter, help me to ftretch 
 it out : There's feven Yards more of Lineals, 
 betides three of Collaterals, that I expect next 
 Monday from the Herald's Office ; d'ye fee, Mr. 
 Sprightly ? 
 
 Spri. Prodigious ! 
 
 Cad. Nay, but look'e, there's Welch Princes, 
 and Ambafladors, and Kings of Scotland, and 
 Members of Parliament : Hold, hold, ecod, 
 I no more mind an Earl or a Lord in my Pedi- 
 gree, hold, hold, than Kouli Khan vyou'd a 
 Serjeant in the Train'd Bands. 
 
 Spri. An amazing Defcent ! 
 
 Cad. Hey, is it not ? And for this low, 
 loufy Son of a Shoe-maker, to talk of Families 
 hold, hold, get out of my Houfe. 
 
 Rob. Now is your Time, Sir. 
 
 Cad. Mr. Sprightly, turn him out. 
 
 Gov. Stop, Sir, I have a Secret to difclofe, 
 that may make you alter your Intentions. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold : how, Mr. Interpreter ? 
 
 Gov. You are now to regard that young 
 Man in a very different Light, and confider him 
 as my Son. 
 
 Cape. Your Son, Sir ? 
 
 Gov. In a Moment, George, the Myfleries 
 fhal; be explain'd. 
 
 Cad. Your Son ? Hold, hold ; and what 
 then ? 
 
 . Gov. Then ! Why then he is no longer the 
 Scribbler, the Mufti room you have described, 
 but of Birth and Fortune equal to your own. 
 
 Cad.
 
 46 We A U T H O R. 
 
 Cad. What! the Son of -an Interpreter equal 
 to Me ! A Fellow that trudges about, teaching 
 of Languages to foreign Counts ! 
 
 Gov. A Teacher of Languages ! 
 
 Cad. Stay ; ecod, a Runner to Monfieurs and 
 Marquifles ! 
 
 Sfri. You are miftaken, Sir. 
 
 Cad. A Jack-pudding ! that takes FilHps on 
 the Nofe for Six-pence a Piece ! Hold, hold, 
 ecod, give me Eighteen-pennyworth, and 
 Change for half a Crown. 
 
 Gov. Stop, when you are well. 
 
 Cad. A Spunger at other Men's Tables! that 
 has Jallop put into his Beer, and his Face black'd 
 at Chriftmas for the Diverfion of Children ! 
 
 Gov. I can hold no longer. 'Sdeath, Sir; 
 who is it you dare treat in this Manner ? 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Zounds, Mr. Sprightly, lay hold 
 of him. 
 
 Spri. Calm your Choler. Indeed, Mr. Cad- 
 wal/ader, nothing cou'd excufe your Behaviour 
 to this Gentleman, but your miftaking his 
 Perfon. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold. Is not he Interpreter to 
 
 Spri. No. 
 
 Cad. Why did not you tell 
 
 Spri. That was a Miftake. This Gentle- 
 man is the Prince's Friend ; and, by a long 
 Refidence in the Monarch's Country, is per- 
 fect Matter of the Language. 
 
 Cad. But who the Devil is he then ? 
 
 Spri. He is Mr. Cape, Sir; a Man of un- 
 blemilh'd Honour, capital Fortune, and late 
 Governor of one of our moft confiderable Set- 
 tlements. 
 
 Cad.
 
 A U T H O R. 47 
 
 Cad. Governor ! Hold, hold, and how came 
 you Father to hey ! 
 
 Gov. By marrying his Mother. 
 
 Cape. But how am I to regard this ? 
 
 Gov. As a folemn Truth ; that foreign 
 Friend, to whom you owe your Education, 
 was no other than myfelf ; I had my Reafons, 
 perhaps capricious ones, for concealing this; 
 but now they ceafe, and I am proud to own 
 my Son. 
 
 Cape. Sir ; it is not for me (kneeling.) but 
 if Gratitude, Duty filial* 
 
 Gov. Rife, my Boy ; I have ventured far to 
 fix thy Fortune, George ; but to find thee wor- 
 thy of it, more than o'erpays my Toil; 
 the Reft of my Story ihall be referved till we 
 are alone. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Hold, hold, hold ; ecod, a good 
 fenfible old Fellow this , but, hark'e, Sprightly, 
 I have made a damn'd Blunder here : Hold, 
 hold, Mr. Governor, I aflc ten thoufand Par- 
 dons; but who the Devil cou'd have thought 
 that the Interpreter to Prince Potowowjky 
 
 Gov. Oh, Sir you have in your Power fuf- 
 ficient Means to atone for the Injuries done 
 us both. 
 
 Cad. Hold, how ? 
 
 Gov. By bellowing your Sifter, with, I flat- 
 ter myfelf, no great Violence to her Incli- 
 nations, here. 
 
 Cad. What, marry Bell? Hey ! Hold, 
 hold; Zounds, Bell, take him, do; 'ecod, he 
 is a good likely hey ! Will you ? 
 
 Arab.
 
 A U T H O R. 
 
 Arab. I (han't difobey you, Sir. 
 
 Cad. Shan't you ? 1 hat's right. Who the 
 Devil knows but he may come to be a Governor 
 himfelf; hey! Hold, hold ; come here then, 
 give me your Hands both; (Joins their Hands.) 
 There, there, the Bufinefs is done : And now, 
 Brother Governor 
 
 Gov. And now, Brother Cadwallader. 
 
 Cad. Hey, Beck! Here's fomething new 
 for my Pedigree; we'll pop in the Governor 
 to-morrow. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hark'e, Mr. Governor, can you 
 give me a black Boy and a Monkey ? 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Ay, ay, you (hall have a black 
 Boy, and a Monkey, and a Parrot too, Beck. 
 
 Spri. Dear George, I am a little late in my 
 Congratulations ; but 
 
 Gov. Which if he is in acknowledging your 
 difinterefted Friendship, I (hall be forry I ever 
 own'd him, Now, Robin, my Cares are over, 
 and my Wimes full ; and if George remains as 
 untainted by Affluence, as he has been un- 
 tempted by Diftrefs, I have given the Poor a 
 Protedor, his Country an Advocate, and the 
 World a Friend. 
 
 (Exeunt Omnes. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 THE 
 
 ENGLISHMAN 
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 
 
 BEING THE SEQUEL TO 
 
 THE ENGLISHMAN IN PARIS, 
 A FARCE. 
 
 IN TWO ACTS. 
 
 As performed at 
 
 &eatre0 Bopal in Drurp-'Hane ana 
 
 By SAMUEL FOOfE, Efq. 
 
 A NEW EDITION. 
 
 L N D ON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR W. LOWNDES, N? 77, FLEET-STREET. 
 M,DCC,LXXXVIII. 
 
 Price One Shilling.
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 SPOKEN 
 
 By Mr. FOOT . 
 
 QF all the pajjions that po/efs mankind, 
 
 The love of novelty rules mofl the mind, 
 In fearch of this, from realm to "realm e we roam. 
 Our fleets come fraught with every folly home. 
 From Lybias deferts hoftile brutes advance, 
 And dancing dogs in droves Jkip here from France, 
 From Latian lands gigantic forms appear, 
 Striking our Britijh breafts vjith awe and fear, 
 
 As once the Lilliputians Gulliver, 
 
 Not only objetts that affefl the fight, 
 In foreign arts and artifts iue delight, 
 Near to that fpot vuhere Charles beftrides a Tyorfe t 
 In humble profe the place is Charing Crofs j 
 Clofe by the margin of a kennel's Jide, 
 A dirty difmal entry opens voide, 
 There with hoarfe voice, check Jbirt, and callous hand, 
 Duff's Indian Englijh trader take's his ftand, 
 Surveys each pajjenger vuith curious eyes, 
 And nijiic Roger falls an eafy prize ; 
 Here's China porcelain that Chelfea yields, 
 And India handkerchiefs from Spitalfields. 
 With Turkey carpets that from Wilton came, 
 AndSfranijb tucks and blades from Birmingham, 
 Faftors are forced to favour this deceit, 
 And Englijh goods are fmuggled thro' the Jl reef. 
 The rude to polijb, and the fair to pleafe, 
 The hero of to-night has crofs'd thefeas, 
 A 2
 
 iv PROLOGUE. 
 
 <Tbo' to be born a Briton be Us crime, 
 
 He's manufactured in another clime. 
 
 'Tis Buck begs leave once more to come before ye, 
 
 The little fubjefl of a former ftory , 
 
 Hvw chang'd, kirM fajhiond, whether brute or biau, 
 
 We tritft the following fcenes will fully Jhetu* 
 
 For them and him lueyoiir indulgence crave, 
 
 J Tis ours J] ill to Jin on, and yours tofave. 
 
 EPILOGUE.
 
 E P I L O G U E. 
 
 By Mrs. BELLAMY. 
 
 JjMONG the arts to make a piece go 
 
 And fix the fickle favour of the towx. 
 An Epilogue is deem'd the fureft ivay 
 To atone for all the errors of the play 
 Thus 'when pathetic firains have made you cry, 
 In trips the Comic Mufe, and wipes your eye, 
 With equal reafon, whenjbe has made you laugh, 
 Melpomene^oa/^ 'fend. 'you fniveling off: 
 But our Bard, unequal to the taJJi, 
 Rejects the dagger, and retains the majk : 
 Fain 'would he fend you chearful home to-night y 
 And harmlefs mirth by honeft means excite ; 
 Scorning with lufcious phrafe or double fenfe, 
 To raife a laughter at the fair's expence. 
 What method Jhall we choofe your -tajie to hit ? 
 Will no one lend our Bard a little wit ? f 
 
 Thank ye, kind fouls, I'll take it from the pit. J 
 
 The piece concluded, and the curtain down, 
 Upjiarts that fatal Calami, call'd The Town : 
 In full ajfembly weighs our author's fate, 
 And Surly thus commences the debate : 
 Pray, among friends , does not this poifoningfcene 
 The f acred rights of Tragedy profane ? 
 If Farce may mimic thus her awful bowl : 
 Oh fie, all wrong, ftark naught, upon my foul t 
 Then Buck cries, Billy, can it be in nature ? 
 Not the leaji likenefs in a Jingle feature, 
 
 A 3 Mj
 
 vi EPILOGUE. 
 
 My Lord, Lord love him, ' tis a precious piece ; 
 
 Let's come on Friday night and ha<ve a hifs. 
 
 To this a peruquier aj/ents 'with joy, 
 
 Parcequ'il affronte les Franjois, oui, ma foi. 
 
 Infuch diftrefs what can the poet do ? % 
 
 Where fcek for Jhelter when thofe foes purfue ? > 
 
 He dares demand protefthn, Jirs, from you. 3 
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 At COGENT-GARDEN. 
 
 BUCK Mr. Foote. 
 
 CRA^ Mr. Sparks. 
 
 LORD JOHN Mr. White. 
 
 MACRUTHEN Mr. Shuter. 
 
 RACKET Mr. Cufhing. 
 TALLYHOE . Mr. Cojlallo. 
 
 LATITAT ' Mr. Dunflall. 
 
 SERGEON Mr. Wignel. 
 
 LUCINDA Mrs. Bellamy. 
 
 La Jonquil, La Loire, Bearnois, and Servants.
 
 THE 
 
 ENGLISHMAN 
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 
 
 A G T I. 
 
 Crab discovered reading. 
 
 dND I do con/litute my -very good friend, Giles 
 Crab, efq. of St. Martin in the Fields, executor 
 to this my -will ; and do appoint him guardian to my 
 ward Lucinda ; and do Jubmit to his direction, the 
 management of all my affairs, till the return of my 
 fan from his travels ; whom I do intreat my /aid 
 executor in conjideration of our ancient friend/hip , to 
 admfe, to counfel, &c. Gc. John Buck< 
 
 A good, pretty legacy ! Let's fee, I find myfelf 
 heir, by this generous devife of iny very good 
 friend, to ten actions at common law, nine fuits 
 in chancery, the conduct of a boy, bred a booby 
 at home, and finifhed a fop abroad ; together with 
 the direction of a marriageable, and therefore 
 an unmanageable wench ; and all this to an old 
 fellow of fixty-fix, who heartily hates bufinefs, is 
 tired of the world, and defpifes every thing in it. 
 Why how the devil came I to merit 
 
 A 4 Enter
 
 8 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Mr. Latitat, of Staples Inn. 
 Crab. So, here begin my plagues. Shew the 
 hound in. 
 
 Enter Latitat, with a bag, &c. 
 
 Lat. I would, Mr. Crab, have attended your 
 fummons immediately, but I was obliged to fign 
 judgment in error at the Common Pleas ; fue out 
 of the Exchequer a writ of qu<e minus, and fur- 
 render in banco regis the defendant, before the 
 return of thejcija, to difcharge the bail. 
 
 Crab. Prithee, man, none of thy unintelligible 
 law jargon to me ; but tell me in the language of 
 common fenfe, and thy country, what I am to do. 
 
 Lat. Why, Mr. Crab, as you are already pof- 
 fefled of a probat, and letters of adminiftration de 
 bonis are granted, you may fue, or, be fued; I 
 hold it found do6lrine for no executor to difcharge 
 debts, without a receipt upon record : this can 
 be obtained by no means but by an aftion. Now 
 actions, fir, are of various kinds, there are 
 fpecial aftions, actions on the cafe, or qJ/umpfU's, 
 actions of trover, aftions of claufumfrcgtt, a6iions 
 of battery, aftionsof 
 
 Crab. Hey, the devil, where's the fellow run- 
 ning now ? But kark'ee, Latitat, why I thought 
 all our law proceedings were directed to be in 
 EngUJh. 
 
 Lat. True, Mr. Crab. 
 
 Crab And what do you call all this fluff, ha ! 
 
 Lat. Englijh. 
 
 Crab* The devil you do. 
 
 Lat. Vernacular, upon my honour, Mr. Crab. 
 For as Lord Coke defcribes the common law, to 
 be the perfection 7 
 
 Crab.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 9 
 
 Crab. So. here's a frefh deluge of impertinence. 
 A truce to thy authorities, I beg ; and as I find 
 it will be impoffible JLO underftand thee without an 
 interpreter, if you will meet me at five, at Mr. 
 Brief's chambers, why, if you have any thing to 
 fay, he will tranflate i^, for me. 
 
 Lfft. Mr. Brief, fir, and tranflate, fir ! Sir, I 
 would have you to know, that no practitioner in. 
 Wejlminjler Hall, gives clearer 
 
 Crab. Sir. I believe it ; for which reafon I have 
 referred you to a mam who never goes into Wcjl- 
 minfter Hall. 
 
 Lat. A bad proof of his practice, Mr. Crab. 
 
 Crab. A good one of his principles, Mr. Lalitat. 
 
 Lat. Why, fir, do you think that a lawyer 
 
 Crab. Zounds, fir, I never thought about a 
 lawyer. The law is an oracular idol, you are the 
 explanatory miniflers ; nor mould any of my own 
 private concerns have made me bow to your 
 beaftly Baal. I had rather lofe a caufe, than con- 
 teft it. And had not this old, doating dunce, Sir 
 John Buck, plagued me with the management of 
 his money, and the care of his booby boy, Bedlam 
 mould fooner have had me, than the bar. 
 
 Lat. Bedlam, the bar ! Since, fir, I am pro- 
 voked, I don't know what your choice may be, or 
 what your friends may choofe for you ; I wifh I 
 was your prochain ami : but I am under fome 
 doubts as to the fanity of the teftator, otherwife 
 he could not have chofen for his executor, under 
 the fanction of the law, a perfon who defpifes the 
 law. And the law, give me leave to tell you, Mr. 
 Crab, is the bulwark, the fence, the protection, 
 thejme qua non, the ne plus ultra 
 
 Crab. Mercy, good iix and eight-pence. 
 
 Lat.
 
 10 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Lat. The defence and offence, the by which, 
 and the whereby, the ftatute common and cuf- 
 tomary, or as Plowden claffically and elegantly 
 expreffes it, 'tis 
 
 Mos commune veins mores, confulta fenatus, 
 Hac tria jus Jlatuunt teria Britanna tibi. 
 
 Crab. Zounds, fir, among all your laws, are 
 there none to protect a man in his own houfe ? 
 
 Lai.\ Sir, a man's houfe is his ca/lellum, his caftle; 
 and fo tender is the law of any infringement of 
 that facred right, that any attempt to invade it by 
 force, fraud, or violence, clandeftinely, or vi et 
 armis, is not only deemed fdonius but burglarius. 
 Now, fir, a burglary may be committed either upon 
 the dwelling, or out-houfe. 
 
 Crab. O laud ! O laud ! 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Your clerk, fir. The parties, he fays, 
 
 are all in waiting at your chambers. 
 
 Lat. I come. I will but juft explain to Mr. 
 Crab, the nature of a burglary, as it has been de- 
 fcribed by a late ftatute. 
 
 Crab. Zounds, fir, I have not the leaft curiofity. 
 
 Lat. Sir, but every gentleman mould know 
 
 Crab. I won't know. JBefides, your clients 
 
 Lat. O, they may flay. I fhan't take up five 
 minutes, fir A burglary. * 
 
 Crab. Not an inftant. 
 
 Lat. By the common law. 
 
 Crab. I'll not hear a word. 
 
 Lat. It was but a claufum fregit. 
 
 Crab. Dear fir, be gone. 
 
 Lat. But by the late ats of par 
 
 Crab.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 11 
 
 , Crab. Help, you dog. Zounds, fir, get out of 
 my houfe. 
 
 Serv. Your clients, fir 
 
 Crab. Pufh him out [the lawyer talking all the 
 while'} So, ho ! Hark'ee, rafcal, if you fuffer 
 that fellow to enter my doors again, I'll ftrip and 
 difcard you the very mfnute. \_Exit Serv.~] This 
 is but the beginning of my torments. But that I 
 expeQ; the young whelp from abroad, every in- 
 ftant, I'd fly for it myfelf and quit the kingdom 
 at once. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. My young matter's travelling tutor, fir, 
 juft arrived. 
 
 Crab. Oh, then I fuppofe, the blockhead of a 
 baronet is clofe at his heels. Shew him in. This 
 bear-leader, I reckon now, is either the clumfy 
 curate of the knight's own parifli church, or fome 
 needy highlander, the out-caft of his country, who, 
 with the pride of a German baron, the poverty of 
 a French marquis, the addrefs of a Swift foldier, 
 and the learning of an academy uflier, is to give 
 our heir apparent politenefs, tafte, literature ; a 
 perfect knowledge of the world, and of himfelf. 
 
 Enter Macruthen. 
 
 Mac. Maifter Crab, I am your devoted fervant. 
 
 Crab. Oh, a Britifh child, by the mefs. Well, 
 where's your charge ? 
 
 Mac. O, the young baronet is o'the road. I 
 was mighty afraid he had o'er ta'en me ; for be- 
 tween Canterbury and Rochefter, I was ftopt, and 
 robb'd by a highwayman. 
 
 Crab. Robb'd! what the devil could he rob 
 you of ? 
 
 Mac.
 
 12 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mac. In gude troth, not a mighty booty. Bu- 
 chanan's hiftory, Lander againft Melton, and two 
 pound of high-dried Glafeov). 
 
 Crab. A travelling equipage. Well, and what's 
 become of your cub ? Where have you left him ? 
 
 Mac. Main you Sir Charles ? I left him at Calais, 
 with another young nobleman, returning from his 
 travels. But why caw ye him cub, Maifter Crab ? 
 In gude troth there's a meeghty alteration. 
 
 Crab. Yes, yes, I have a fhrewd guefs at his 
 improvements. 
 
 Mac. He's quite a phenomenon. 
 
 Crab. Oh, a comet, I dare fwear, but not an 
 unufual one at Paris. 7 he Faux-bourg of St. 
 Germains, fwarms with fuch, to the no fmall amufe- 
 ment of our very good friends the French. 
 
 Mac. Oh, the French were mighty fond of him. 
 
 Crab. But as to the language, I fuppofe he's a 
 perfect matter of that. 
 
 Mac. He can caw for aught that he need, but 
 he is na quite maifter of the accent. 
 
 Crab. A moll aftonifhing progrefs ! 
 
 Mac. Sufpend your judgement awhile, and 
 you'll find him all you wifh, allowing for the fallies 
 of-juvenility ; and mud take the vanity to myfelf 
 of being, in a great meafure, the author. 
 
 Crab. Oh, if he be but a faithful copy of the 
 admirable original, he muft be a finifhed piece. 
 
 Mac. You are pleafed to compliment. 
 
 Crab. Not a whit. Well, and what I fuppofe 
 you, and your what's your name ? 
 
 Mac. Macruthen, at your fervice. 
 
 Crab. Macruthen! Hum ! You and your pupil 
 agreed very well ? 
 
 Mac. Perfectly. The young gentleman is of 
 an amiable difpofition. 
 
 Crab.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 13 
 
 Crab. Oh, ay : And it would be wrong to four 
 his temper. You knew your duty better, I hope, 
 than to contradicl him. 
 
 Mac. It was na for me, Maifter Crab, 
 
 Crab. Oh, by no means, Mafter Macruthen; 
 all your bufmefs was to keep him out of 'frays; to 
 take care, for the fake of hts health, that his wine 
 was genuine, and his miftreffes as they fhould be. 
 You pimp'd for him I fuppofe ? 
 
 Mac. Pimp for him ! D'ye mean to affront 
 
 Crab. To fuppofe the contrary would be the 
 affront, Mr. Tutor. What, man, you know the 
 world. 'Tis not by contradiction, but by com- 
 pliance, that men make their fortunes. And was 
 it for you to thwart the humour of a lad upon the 
 thremold of ten thoufand pounds a year ? 
 
 Mac. Why, to be fure great allowances mufl 
 be made. 
 
 Crab. No doubt, no doubt. 
 
 Mac. I fee, Maifter Crab, you know mankind, 
 you are Sir John Buck's executor. 
 
 Crab. True. 
 
 Mac. I have a little thought that may be ufeful 
 to us both. 
 
 Crab. As how ? 
 
 Mac. Could na we contrive to make a hond 
 o'the young baronet ? 
 
 Crab. Explain. 
 
 Mac. Why you, by the will, have the care 
 o'tbe cam : and I caw make a fliift to manage the 
 lad. 
 
 Crab. Oh, I conceive you. And fo between 
 us both, we may contrive to eafe him of that in- 
 heritance Which he knows not how properly to 
 employ ; and apply it to .our own ufe. You do 
 know how. 
 
 Mac.
 
 i 4 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mac. Ye ha hit it. 
 
 Crab. Why what a fuperlative rafcal art thou, 
 thou inhofpitable villain ! Under the roof, and 
 in the prefence, of thy benefaftor's reprefentative, 
 with almoft his ill-beftowed bread in thy mouth, 
 art thou plotting the perdition of his only child ! 
 And, from what part of my life didfl thou derive 
 a hope of my compliance with fuch a hellifh 
 fcheme ? 
 
 Mac. Maifter Crab, I am of a nation 
 
 Crab. Of known honour and integrity; I allow 
 it. The kingdom you have quitted, in confign- 
 ing the care of its monarch, for ages, to your pre- 
 deceffors, in preference to its proper fubje&s, has 
 given you a brilliant panegyric, that no other 
 people can parallel. 
 
 Mac. Why, to be fure 
 
 Crab. And one happinefs it is, that though na- 
 tional glory can beam a brightnefs on particulars, 
 the crimes of individuals can never refleft a dif- 
 grace upon their country. Thy apology but ag- 
 gravates thy guilt. 
 
 Mac. Why, Maifter Crab, I 
 
 Crab. Guilt and confufion choak thy utterance. 
 Avoid my fight. Vanifh ! [Exit Mac.~\ A fine 
 fellow this, to protecl the perfon, inform the in- 
 experience, direft and moderate the defires of an 
 unbridled boy ! But can it be ftrange, whilft the 
 parent negligently accepts a fuperficial recom- 
 mendation to fo important a truft, that the per- 
 fon whofe wants perhaps, more than his abilities 
 make defirous of it, ihould confider the youth as 
 a kind of property, and not confider what to 
 make him, but what to make of him ; and thus 
 prudently lay a foundation for his future fordid 
 hopes, by a criminal compliance with the< lad's 
 
 prefent
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 15 
 
 prefent prevailing paffions ? But vice and foll 
 rule the world. Without, there ! \_Enter Scrv. 
 Rafcal, where d'you run, blockhead ? Bid the 
 girl come hither. Frefh inftances, every mo- 
 ment, fortify my abhorrence, my deteftation of 
 mankind. This turn may be term'd mifantrophy ; 
 and imputed to chagrin and difappointment. But 
 it can only be by thofe fools, who, through foft- 
 nefs or ignorance, regard the faults of others, like 
 their own, through the wrong end of the per- 
 fpedive. 
 
 Enter Lucinda. 
 
 So, what, I fuppofe your fpirits are all afloat. 
 You have heard your fellow's coming. 
 
 Luc. If you had your ufual difcernment, fir, 
 you would diftinguifh, in my countenance, an ex- 
 preflion very different from that of joy. 
 
 Crab. Oh, what, I fuppofe your monkey has 
 broke his chain, or your parrot died in moulting. 
 
 Luc. A perfon lefs cenforious than Mr. Crab, 
 might affign a more generous motive for my dif- 
 trefs. 
 
 Crab. Diftrefs ! a pretty, poetical phrafe. What 
 motive canft thou have for diftrefs ? Has not Sir 
 John Buck's death affured thy fortune ? and art not 
 thou 
 
 Luc. By that very means, a helplefs, unpro- 
 tected orphan. 
 
 Crab. Pho', prithee, wench, none of thy ro- 
 mantic cant to me. What, I know the fex : the 
 objects of every woman's wifh are properly and 
 power. The firft you have, and the fecond you 
 won't be long without ; for here's a puppy riding 
 poft to put on your chains. 
 
 Luc.
 
 16 THE ENGLISHMAN. 
 
 Luc. It would appear affe&ation not to under- 
 ftand you. And, to deal freely, it was upon that 
 fubjeft I wifh'd to engage you. 
 
 Crab. Your information was needlefs ; I knew 
 it. 
 
 Luc. Nay, but why fo fevere ? I did flatter 
 myfelf that the very warm recommendation of 
 your deceafed friend, would have abated a little 
 of that rigour. 
 
 Crab. No wheedling, Lucy. Age and contempt 
 have long fhut thefe gates againft flattery and dif- 
 fimuladon. You have no fex for me. Without 
 preface, fpeak your purpofe. 
 
 Luc. What then, in a word, is your advice 
 with regard to my marrying Sir Charles Buck ? 
 Crab. And do you lerioufly want my advice ? 
 Luc. Moft fincerely. 
 
 Crab.. Then you are a blockhead. Why where 
 could you mend yourfelf? Is not he a fool, a 
 fortune, and in love ? Look'ee, girl. ^Entcr 
 Servant] Who fent for you, fir ? 
 
 Ser. Sir, my young tnafter's poft-chaife is broke 
 down, at the corner of the ftreet, by a coal-cart. 
 His clothes are all dirt, and he fwears like a 
 trooper. 
 
 Crab. Ay ! Why then carry his chaife to the 
 coach-maker's, his coat to a fcowerer's, and 
 
 him before a juftice. Prithee why doft 
 
 trouble me ? I fuppofe y'ou would not meet your 
 gallant. 
 
 Luc. Do you think I mould ? 
 Crab. No, retire. And if this application for 
 my advice, is not a copy of your countenance, a 
 mafk ; if you are obedient, I may yet fet you 
 right. 
 
 Luc.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 17 
 
 Luc. I (hall, with pleafurc, follow your direc- 
 tions. [Exit. 
 
 Crab*. Yes, fo long as they correfpond with 
 your own inclination. Now we fhall fee what 
 Paris has done for this puppy. But here he 
 comes ; light as the cork in his heels, or the fea- 
 ther in his hat. 
 
 Enter Buck, Lord John, La Loire, Bearnois, and 
 
 4 Macruthen. 
 
 . Buck. Not a word, mi Lor,jernie, it is not to be 
 fupported! after being rompu tout vif, dis- 
 jointed by that execrable pave, to be tumbled into 
 a kennel, by a filthy charbonnicr ; a dirty retailer 
 offea-coal, morbleu! 
 
 Ld. J. An accident that might have happened 
 any where, Sir Charles. 
 
 Buck. And then the hideous hootings of that ca- 
 naille, that murtherous mob, with the barbarous 
 Monfieur in the mud, huzza ! Ah, pais Jaurage, 
 barbare, inhojpitable ! ah, ah, qu'e/t ce que nous 
 avons ? Who ? 
 
 Mac. That is Maifter Crab, your father's ex- 
 ecutor. 
 
 Buck. Ha, ha. Serviteur tres humble, monfieur. 
 
 Eh bien / What ! is he dumb ? Mac, my Lor, 
 
 mort de ma vie, the veritable Jack-Roafl-beef of the 
 
 frcnch comedy. Ha, ha, how do you do, Mon- 
 
 Juwr-Ja^k-Roaft-beef, ha. ha ? 
 
 Crab. Prithee take a turn or two round the 
 room. / 
 
 Buck. A turn or two ! Volontiers. Eh bien ! 
 Well, have you, in your life, feen any thing To, 
 ha, ha, hey ! 
 
 Crab. Never. I hope you had not many fpec- 
 tators of your tumble. 
 
 B Buck.
 
 i8 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. Pourquoi ? Why fo ? 
 
 Crab. Becaufe I would not have die public 
 curiofity forettalled. I can't but think, in a coun- 
 try fo fond of ftrange fights, if you were kept up 
 a little, you would bring a great deal of money. 
 
 Suck. I don't know, my dear, what my perfon 
 would produce in this country, but the counter- 
 part of your very grotefque figure has been ex- 
 tremely beneficial to the comedians from whence 
 I came. N'eft ce ps vrai, mi Lor? Ha, .ha. 
 
 JLd. jf. The refemblance does not flrike me. 
 Perhaps I may feem fingular; but the parti- 
 cular cuftoms of particular countries, I own, ne- 
 ver appeared to me, as proper objecls of ridicule. 
 
 Buck. Why fo ? 
 
 Ld. J. Becaufe in this cafe it is impoflible to 
 have a rule for your judgement. The forms and 
 cuftoms which climate, conftitution. and govern- 
 ment have given to our kingdom can never be 
 tranfplanted with advantage to another, founded 
 on different principles. And thus, though the 
 habits and manners of different countries may be 
 direcily oppofite, yet, in my humble conception, 
 they may be ftri&ly, becaufe naturally, right. 
 
 Crab. Why there are fome glimmerings of 
 common-fenfe about this young thing. Harkee, 
 child, by what accident did you ftumble upon 
 this blockhead? [to Buck] I fuppofe the line of 
 your underftanding is too fhort to fathom the 
 depth of your companion's realbning. 
 
 Buck. My dear, \gapcs.] 
 
 Crab. I fay, you can draw no conclufion from 
 the above premifes. 
 
 Buck. Who I ? Damn your premifes, and 
 conclufions too. But this I conclude from what 
 I have feen, my dear, that the French are the firtt 
 
 people
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 19 
 
 people in the univerfe ; that, in the arts of living, 
 they do or ought to give laws to the whole world, 
 and that whofoever would either eat, drink, drefs, 
 dance, fight, fing, or even fneeze, avec elegance, 
 muft go to Paris, to learn it. This is my creed. 
 * Crab. And thefe precious principles you are 
 come here to propagate. 
 
 Back. C'ejlvrai, Monfieur Crab : and with the 
 aid of thefe brother miffionaries, I have oo doubt 
 of making a great many profelytes. And now 
 for a detail of their qualities. Bearnois, avancez. 
 This is an officer of my houfehold, unknown to 
 this country. 
 
 Crab. And what may he be ? I'll humour the 
 puppy. 
 
 Buck. This is my Swifs Porter. Tenez vous 
 droit, Bearnois. There's a fierce figure to guard 
 the gate of an hotel. 
 
 Crab. What, do you fuppofe we have no 
 porters ? 
 
 Buck. Yes, you have dunces that open doors ; 
 a drudgery that this fellow does by deputy. But 
 for intrepidity in denying a difagreeable vifiter; 
 for politenefs in introducing a miltrefs, acutenefs 
 in difcerning, and conftancy in excluding a dun, 
 a greater genius never came from the Cantons. 
 
 Crab. Aftonifhing qualities ! 
 
 Buck. Retirez, Bearnois. But here's a bijou, 
 here's a jewel indeed ! f^enez id, mon cher La Loire. 
 Comment trouvez vous ce Paris ici ? 
 
 La L. Tres bien. 
 
 Buck. Very well. Civil creature ! This, Mon- 
 Jieur Crab, is my cook La Loire, and for hors 
 d'oeuvrcs, entre rotis, ragouts, entremets, and the 
 difpofition of a defert, Paris never faw his pa- 
 rallel. 
 
 B 2 Crab.
 
 20 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Crab. His wages, I fuppofe, are proportioned 
 to his merit. 
 
 Buck. A bagatelle, a trifle. Abroad but a bare 
 two hundred. Upon his cheerful compliance, in 
 coming hither into exil-e with me, I have indeed 
 doubled his (tipend. 
 
 Crab. You could do no lefs. 
 
 Buck. And now, fir, to compleat my equipage, 
 regardez Monficur La Jonquil, my firft valet de 
 chambre, excellent in everything: but pour l'ac~ 
 commodage, for decorating the Head, inimitable. 
 Jn one word. La Jonquil mall, for fifty to five, 
 knot, twift, tye, frize, cut, curl, or comb with 
 any garfon pcrruquier, from the land's end, to the 
 Orkneys. 
 
 Crab. \Yhy, what an infinite 'fund of public 
 fpirit muft you have, to drain your purfe, mortify 
 your inclination, and expofe your perfon, for the 
 mere improvement of your countrymen ? 
 
 Buck. Oh, I am a very Roman for that. But 
 at prefent I had another reafon for returning. 
 
 Crab. Ay, what can that be ? 
 
 Buck. Why I find there is a likelihood of fome 
 little fracas between us. But, upon my foul, \ve 
 muft be very brutal to quarrel with the dear, 
 agreeable creatures, for a trifle. 
 
 Crab. They have your affections then. 
 
 Buck. De tout mm can*-. From the infinite civi- 
 lity fhewn to us, in France, and their friendly 
 profeflions in favour of our country, they can 
 never intend us an injury. 
 
 Crab. Oh, you have hit their humour to a hair. 
 But I can have no longer patience with the pup- 
 py. Civility and friendmip, you booby ! Yes, 
 their civility at Paris, has not left you a guinea 
 in your pocket, nor would their friendmip to 
 
 yoiir
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 21 
 
 your nation leave it a foot of land in the uni- 
 verfe. 
 
 Buck. Lord John, this is a flrange old fellow. 
 Take my word for it, my dear, you miftake this 
 thing egregioufly. But all you Englijh are con- 
 ftitutionally fullen. November fogs, with fait 
 boil'd beef, are moft curled recipes for good- 
 humour, or a quick apprehenfion. Paris is the 
 place. 'Tis there men laugh, love, and live ! 
 Vive I' amour ! Sans amour, et fans fes defirs, un 
 c&ur eft bien moins heureux qu'il ne penfe. 
 
 Crab. Now would not any foul fuppofe that this 
 yelping hound had a real reliih for the country he 
 fcas quirted ? 
 
 Buck. A mighty unnatural fuppofition, truly. 
 
 Crab. Foppery and affectation all. 
 
 Buck. And you really think Paris a kind of 
 purgatory, ha, my dear ? 
 
 Crab. To thee the moft folitary fpot upon earth, 
 my dear. Familiar puppy ! 
 
 Buck. Whimfical enough. But come, pour paf- 
 fer It terns, let us, old Diogenes, enter into a little 
 debate. Mi Lor, and you, Macruthen, determine 
 the difpute between that fource of delights, ce pa- 
 radis de plaifir, and this cave of care, this feat of 
 fcurvy and the fpleen. 
 
 Mac. Let us heed them weel, my Lord. Mai- 
 fler Crab has met with his match. 
 
 Buck. And firft for the great pleafure of life, the 
 pleafure of the table ; ah, quelle difference ! The 
 eafe, the wit. the wine, the badinage, the ptrci- 
 Jlage, the double entendre, the chanfons a boire. Oh, 
 what delicious moments have I pafs'd chez madams 
 la duchejfe de Barbouliac. 
 
 Crab. Your miftrefs, I fuppofe. 
 
 Buck. Who, 1 ! Fi done I How is it poflible 
 B 3 for
 
 22 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 for a woman of her rank, to have a penchant for 
 me ? Hey, Mac. 
 
 Mac. Sir Charles is too much a man of honour 
 to blab. But, to fay truth, the whole city of Pans 
 thought as much. 
 
 Crab. A precious fellow this ! 
 
 Buck. Tai/ez vous, Mac. But we lofe the point 
 in view. Now, Monfieur Crab, let me conduct 
 you to what you call an entertainment. And firit, 
 the melancholy miftrefs is fixed in her chair, 
 where, by the bye, (he is condemned to do more 
 drudgery than a dray-horfe. Next proceeds the 
 mailer, to marfhal the guefts, in which as much 
 caution is necefiary, as at a coronation, with, 
 " My lady, lit here," and, " Sir Thomas, fit 
 " there," till the length of the ceremony, with 
 the length of the grace, have deftroyed all appre- 
 henfions of the meat burning your mouths. 
 
 Mac. Bravo, bravo ! Did I na' fay Sir Charles 
 was a phcenomenon ? 
 
 Crab. Peace, puppy. 
 
 Suck.' Then, in folemn filence, they proceed 
 to demolifh the fubftantials, with, perhaps, an 
 occafional interruption, of, " Here's to you, 
 " friends," " Hob or nob/' *' Your love and 
 " mine." Pork fucceeds to beef, pies to pud- 
 dings : the cloth is removed : madam, drenched 
 with a bumper, drops a curtefy, and departs ; 
 leaving the jovial hoft, with his fprightly compa- 
 nions, to tobacco, port, and politics. Voiia un 
 refas a la mode d'Angleterre, Monjieur Crab. 
 
 Crab. It is a thoufand pities that your father 
 is not a living witnefs of thefe prodigious im- 
 provements. 
 
 Buck. C'e/l mai. But a projws, he is dead, as 
 
 you fay, and you are ; 
 
 Cral. 
 \ .
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 23 
 
 Crab. Againfl my inclination, his executor. 
 Buck. Peutetre; well, and -- 
 Crab. Oh, my talk will foon determine. One 
 article, indeed, I am ftricliy enjoined to fee 
 performed ; your marriage with you>r old acquaint- 
 ance Lucinda. 
 
 Buck. Ha, ha, la petite Lucinde ! & comment. 
 Crab. Prithee, peace, and hear me. She is 
 bequeathed conditionally, that if you refufe to 
 marry her, twenty thoufand pounds ; and if fhe 
 rejects you, which I fuppofe fhe will have the 
 wifdom to do. only five. 
 
 Buck. Reject me ! Very probable, hey, Mac! 
 But could we not have an entreviie ? 
 
 Crab. Who's there ? Let Luanda know we ex- 
 peel her. 
 
 Mac. Had na' ye better, Sir Charles, equip 
 yourfelf in a more fuitable garb, upon a firft vifit 
 to your miftrefs ? 
 
 Crab. Oh, fuch a figure and addrefs can derive 
 no advantage from drefs. 
 
 Buck. Serviieur. But, however, Mac's hint 
 may not be fo mal a propos. Allom, Jonquil, jc 
 men vais m'habiller. Mi Lor, fhall I trefpafs upon 
 your patience ? My toilet is but the work of 
 ten minutes. Mac, difpofe of my domeftics a leur 
 ai/e, and then attend me with my portfeuiile, and 
 read, while I drefs, thofe remarks I made in my 
 lait voyage from Fontainbleau to Compeigne. 
 Serviteur. Mcflieurs ; 
 Car ie bon vin 
 
 Du matin 
 
 Sortant du tonneau, 
 Vaut bien mieux que 
 
 Le Latin 
 
 J)c toutc la Sorbonne. [Exit. 
 
 B 4 Crab.
 
 2 4 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Crab. This is the moft confummate coxcomb f 
 I told the fool of a father, what a puppy Paris 
 would produce him ; but travel is the word, and 
 the confequence, an importation of every foreign 
 folly : and thus the plain perfons and principles 
 of old England, are fo confounded and jumbleo? 
 with the excrementitious growth of every climate, 
 that we have loft all our ancient characleriftic, 
 and are become a bundle of contradictions; a 
 piece of patch-work ; a mere harlequin's coat. 
 
 Ld. J. Do you fuppofe then, fir, that no good 
 may be obtained 
 
 Crab. Why, prithee, what have you gained ? 
 
 Ld. J. I fhould be forry my acquifitions were 
 to determine the debate. But do you think, fir, 
 the making off fome native qualities, and the being 
 made more fcnfible, from comparifon of certain 
 national and conftitutional advantages, objefts 
 unworthy the attention ? 
 
 Crab. You fhew the favourable fide, young 
 man : but how frequently are fubftituted for na-r 
 tional prepofleflions, always harmlefs. and often 
 happy, guilty and unnatural prejudices ! Unnatu- 
 ral ! For the wretch who is weak and wicked 
 enough to defpife his country, fins againft the moft 
 laudable laws of nature ; he is a traitor to j.the 
 community, where providence has placed him ; 
 and fhould be denied thofe focial benefits he has 
 rendered himfelf unworthy to partake. But fen- 
 tentious leclures are ill calculated for your time of 
 life. 
 
 ,Ld- J' I differ from you here, Mr. Crab, Prin- 
 ciples that call for perpetual practice, cannot be 
 too foon received. I fincerely thank you, fir, for 
 this communication, and fhould be happy to have 
 always near me fc moral a monitor, 
 
 Crab.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 25 
 
 Crab. You are indebted to France for her flat- 
 tery. But I leave you with a lady, where it will 
 be better employed. 
 
 Enter Lucinda. 
 
 Crab. This young man waits here, till your 
 puppy is powdered. You may afk him after your 
 French acquaintance. I know nothing of him; 
 but he does not feem to be altogether fo great a 
 fool as your fellow. [Exit. 
 
 Luc. I'm afraid, fir, you have had but a dif- 
 agreeable tete-a-tete. 
 
 Ld. y. Juft .the contrary, madam. By good 
 fenfe, tinged with fingularity, we are entertained 
 as well as improved. For a lady, indeed, Mr. 
 Crab's manners are rather too rough. 
 
 Luc. Not a jot ; I am familiarized to 'em, I 
 know his integrity, and can never be difobliged 
 by his fincerity. 
 
 Ld. y. This declaration is a little particular, 
 from a lady who muft have received her firft im- 
 preffions in a place remarkable for its delicacy to 
 the fair-fex. But good fenfe can conquer even 
 early habits. 
 
 Luc. This compliment I can lay no claim to. 
 The former part of my life procured me but very 
 little indulgence. The pittance of knowledge I 
 poflefs, was taught me by a very fevere miftrefs, 
 adverfity. But you, fir, are too well acquainted 
 with Sir Charles Buck, not to have known my fitu- 
 ation. 
 
 Ld. y. I have heard your ftory, madam, be- 
 fore I had the honour of feeing you. It was af- 
 fe&ing : you'll pardon the declaration ; it now 
 i'nterefting. However, it is impoflible I 
 
 {hould
 
 26 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 fhould not congratulate you on the near approach 
 of the happy cataftrophe. 
 
 Luc. Events that depend upon the will of ano- 
 ther, a thoufand unforefeen accidents may in- 
 terrupt. 
 
 Ld. J. Could I hope, madam, your prefent 
 critical condition would acquit me of temerity, I 
 mould take the liberty to prefume, if the fuit of 
 Sir Charles be rejected 
 
 Enter Crab. 
 
 Crab. So, Youngfter ! what I fuppofe you are 
 already praBifing one of your foreign leflons. 
 Perverting the affections of a friend's miftrefs, or 
 debauching his wife, are mere peccadilloes, in 
 modern morality. But at prefent you are my 
 care. That way conduces you to your fellow- 
 traveller. [Exit. Ld. J.] I would fpeak with 
 you in the library. [Exit. 
 
 Luc. 1 mail attend you, fir. Never was fo un- 
 happy an interruption. What could my lord 
 mean ? But be it what it will, it ought not, it 
 cannot concern rr.e. Gratitude and duty demand 
 my compliance with the dying wifh of my bene- 
 factor, my friend, my father. But am I then to 
 facrifice all my future peace ? But reafon- not, 
 rafh girl ; obedience is thy province. 
 
 Tho hard the tajk, be it my fart io prove 
 That f onetimes duty can give laws to love. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 ACT
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 47 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Buck at his Toilet, attended by three Valets de 
 Chambre and Macruthen. 
 
 Mac. 'VI Otwithftanding aw his plain dealing, 
 ! ^ I doubt whether Maifter Crab is fo 
 honeft a man. 
 
 Buck. Prithee, Mac, name not the monfter. 
 If I may be permitted a quotation from one of 
 their paltry poets, 
 
 Who is knight of theJJiire reprefmts 'em all. 
 
 Did ever mortal fee fuch mirroirs, fuch looking- 
 glafs as they have here too ! One might as well 
 addrefs onefelf, for information, to a bucket of 
 water. La Jonquil, mettez TJVUS le rouge, ajjez. 
 Eh bien, Mac, miferable I Hey ! 
 
 Mac. It's very becoming. 
 
 Buck. Aye, it will do for this place ; I really 
 could have forgiven my father's living a year or 
 two longer, rather than be compelled to return 
 to this [Enter Ld. John] My dear Lord, j'e 
 demande mille pardons, but the terrible fracas in my 
 chaife has fo gatetd and difordered my hair, that 
 it required an age to adjuft it. 
 
 Ld. y. No apology, Sir Charles, I have been 
 entertained very agreeably. 
 
 Buck. Who have you had, my dear Lord, to 
 entertain you ? 
 
 Ld. J. The very individual lady that's foon to 
 make you a happy hufband. 
 
 Buck.
 
 28 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. A happy who ? hufband ! What two 
 very oppofite ideas confounded enfemble ! In my 
 confcience, I believe there's contagion in the 
 clime, and my Lor is infe&ed. But pray, my 
 dear Lor, by what accident have you difcovered, 
 that I was upon the. point of becoming that happy 
 Oh, un mart ! Diable ? 
 
 Ld. J. The lady's beauty and merit, your in- 
 clinations, and your father's injunctions, made nic 
 conjecture that. 
 
 Buck,. And can't you fuppofe that the lady's 
 beauty may be poflefs'd, her merit rewarded, and 
 my inclinations gratified, without an abfoluie obe- 
 dience to that fatherly injunction ? 
 
 Ld. J. It does not occur to me. 
 
 Buck. No, I believe not, my Lor. Thofe kind 
 of talents are not given to every body. Donnez 
 moi mon manchon. And now you mall fee me 
 manage the lady. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Young S.quire Racket, and Sir TobyTallyhoc, 
 who call themfelves your honour's old acquaint- 
 ances. 
 
 Buck Oh the brutes ! By what accident could 
 they difcover my arrival ! My dear, dear Lor, 
 aid me to efcape this Lmbarras. 
 
 Racket and Tally hoe without. 
 
 Hoic a boy, hoic a boy. 
 
 Buck. Let me die if 1 do not believe the Hot- 
 tentots' have brought a whole hundred of hounds 
 with them. But they fay, forms keep fools at a 
 diftance. I'll receive 'eni en ceremonie. 
 
 Enttr
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 29 
 
 Enter Racket and Tallyhoe. 
 
 Tally. Hey boy, hoix, my little Buck. 
 
 Buck. Monjieur Ic Chevalier, votrc tres humble 
 ferviteur. 
 
 Tally. Hey. 
 
 Buck. Monjieur Racket, je fids charms de wus 
 voir. 
 
 Rack. Anon what ! 
 
 Buck. Ne m'entendtz vous? Don't you under- 
 ftand French ? 
 
 Rack. Know French! No, nor you neither, I 
 think, Sir Toby, foregad I believe the papiftes ha 
 bewitch'd him in foreign parts. 
 
 Tally. Bewitch'd and transformed him too. 
 Let me perifh, Racket, if I don't think he's like 
 one of the folks we ufed to read of at fchool, in 
 Ovid's Metamorphis ; and that they have turned 
 him into a beaft. 
 
 Rack. A beaft! No, a bird, you fool. Lookee, 
 Sir Toby, by the Lord Harry, here are his wings. 
 
 Tally. Hey ! ecod and fo they are, ha, ha. I 
 reckon, Racket, he came over with the wood- 
 cocks. 
 
 Buck. Voila des veritables Anglois. The ruftic 
 rude ruffians ! 
 
 Rack. Let us fee what the devil he has put 
 upon his pole, Sir 'Toby. 
 
 Tally. Aye. 
 
 Buck. Do, dear Savage, keep your diftance. 
 
 Tally. JSay, fore George we will have a fcru- 
 tiny. 
 
 Rack. Aye, aye, a fcrutiny. 
 
 Buck, bn grace. La Jonquil, my Lor, protect 
 me from thefe py rates.
 
 3 o THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Ld. J. A little companion, I beg. gentlemen. 
 Confider, Sir Charles is on a vifit to his bride. 
 
 Tally. Bride ! Zounds, he's fitter for a band- 
 box. Racket, hocks the heels. 
 
 Rack. I have 'em, knight. Foregad he is the 
 very reverfe of a bantam cock ; his comb's on his 
 feet, and his feathers on his head. Who have we 
 got here ! What are thefe fellows, paftry-cooks ? 
 
 .Enter Crab. 
 
 Crab. And is this one of your newly acquired 
 accomplifhments, letting your miftrefs languifh for 
 a but you have company, I fee. 
 
 Buck. O, yes, I have been inexpreffibly happy. 
 Thefe gentlemen are kind enough to treat me, 
 upon my arrival, with what I believe they call in 
 this country, a rout. iMy dear l.or, if you don't 
 favour my flight. But fee if the toads a'n't tumb- 
 ling my toilet. 
 
 Ld. J. Now's your time, fteal off; I'll cover 
 your retreat. 
 
 Ruck. Mac, let La Jonquil follow to re-fettle my 
 cheveux. Je vous remercie jmille, milk Jbis, mon 
 cher my 1 or. 
 
 Rack. Hola, Sir Toby, ftole away ! 
 
 Eu-k. mon Dieu. 
 
 Tally. Poh, rot him, let him alone. He'll 
 never .do for our purpofe. You muft know we 
 intend to kick up a riot, to-night, at the play- 
 houfe. and we wanted him of the party; but that 
 fop would fwoon at the iight of a cudgel. 
 
 Ld. *j. Pray, fir, what is your caufe of con- 
 tention ? 
 
 Tally. Caufe of contention, hey, faith. I know 
 nothing of the matter. }facfl f what is it we are 
 angry about ? 
 
 Racket.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 31 
 
 Racket. Angry about ! Why you know we are 
 to demolifli the dancers. 
 
 Tally. True, true, I had forgot. Will you 
 make one ? 
 
 Ld. J. I beg to be excufed. 
 
 Rack. May hap you are a friend to the French. 
 
 Ld. y. Not I, indeed fir. But if the occa/ion 
 will permit me a pun, tho' I am far from being a 
 well-wifher to their arms, I have no objection to 
 the being entertained by their legs. 
 
 Tally. Aye ! Why then if you'll come to-night, 
 you'll fplit your fides with laughing, for I'll be 
 rot if we don't make them caper higher, and run 
 fafter, than ever they have done fince the battle 
 of Blenheim. Come along, Racket. [Exit. 
 
 Ld. J. Was there ever fuch a contraft ? 
 
 Crab. Not fo remote as you imagine ; they are 
 fcions from the fame ftock, fet in different foils. 
 The firft fhtub, you fee, flowers moft prodigally, 
 but matures nothing; the laft flip, tho' ftunted, 
 bears a little fruit ;. crabbed, 'tis true, but (till the 
 growth of the clime. Come, you'll follow your 
 friend. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Lucinda, with a Servant. 
 Luc. When Mr. Crab, or Sir Charles, enquire for 
 me; you will conduct them hither [Exit. Serv.^\ 
 How I long for an end to this important inter- 
 view ! Not that I have any great expectations 
 from the iflfue ; but ftill, in my circumltances, a 
 ftate of fufpence is, of all fituations ; the moft dif- 
 agrceable. But hufh, they come. 
 
 Enter
 
 32 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Enter Sir Charles, Macruthen, Ld. John, and Crab. 
 
 Buck. Mac, announce me. 
 
 Mac. Madam, Sir Charks Buck craves the ho- 
 nour of kifling your hand. 
 
 Buck. Tres humble fe wtcur. Et comment fe porte 
 Mademoifelle. I am ravifhed to fee thee, ma chere 
 fetite Lucinde. Eh bien, ma reine ! Why you look 
 divinely, child. But, mon enfant, they h-j.ye drefs'd 
 you mod diabolically. Why, what a coijftufe muft 
 you have, and, oh mon Dieu, a total abfence of 
 rouge. But, perhaps, you are out. 1 had a cargo 
 from Dejfreney the day of my departure ; Jhall I 
 have the honour to fupply you ? 
 
 Luc. You are obliging, fir, but I confefs myfelf 
 a convert to the chaite cuftoms of this country, 
 and, with a commercial people, you known, fir 
 Charles, all artifice 
 
 Buck. Artifice! You miflake the point, ma 
 chere. A proper proportion of red, is an indif- 
 penfible part of your drefs ; and, in my private 
 opinion, a woman might as well appear, in public, 
 without powder, or a petticoat. 
 
 Crab. And, in my private opinion, a woman, 
 who puts on the firft, would make very little diffi- 
 culty in pulling of the laft. 
 
 Buck. Oh, Monfieur Crab's judgment muft be 
 decifive in drefs. Well, and what am u Cements, 
 what ipeftacles, what parties, what contrivances, 
 to conquer father time, that foe to the fair ? I 
 fancy one muft ennuier conjiderablcmcnt in your 
 London here. 
 
 Luc. Oh, we are in no diftrefs for diverfions. 
 We have an opera. 
 
 Buck.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 33 
 
 Buck. Italien, I fuppofe, pitoidble, fhocking, 
 affbmmant ! Oh, there is no fupporting their hi, 
 hi, hi, hi. Ah, mon Dieu ! Ah, chaffs brSlant Jokil> 
 
 Brillant foleil, 
 
 A-t-on jamah veu ton par til ? 
 
 There's mufic and melody. 
 " Luc. What a fop ! 
 
 Suck. But proceed, ma princeffe. 
 
 Luc. Oh, then we have plays. 
 
 Buck. That I deny, child. 
 
 Luc. No plays ! 
 
 Buck. No. 
 
 Luc. The aflertion is a little whimfical. 
 
 Buck. Aye that may be ; you have here dra- 
 matic things, farcical in their competition, and 
 ridiculous in their reprefentation. 
 
 Luc. Sir, I own myfelf unequal to the contro- 
 verfy ; but, furely Shakfpeare My Lord, this 
 fubjecl: calls upon you for its defence. 
 
 Crab. I know from what fountain this fool has 
 drawn his remarks ; the author of the Chinefe Or- 
 phan, in the preface to which Mn Voltaire calls 
 the principal works of Shakfpeare, monftrous farces. 
 
 Ld. J. Mr. Crab is right, madam. Mr. Vol- 
 taire has ftigmatized with a very unjuft and a very 
 invidious appellation the principal works of that 
 great mailer of the paflions ; and his apparent 
 motive renders him the more inexcufable. 
 
 Luc. What could it be, my Lord ? 
 
 Ld. J. The preventing his countrymen from 
 becoming acquainted with our author; that he 
 might be at liberty to pilfer from him, with the 
 greater fecurity. 
 
 Luc. Ungenerous, indeed! 
 
 uck. Palpable defamation, 
 
 C Lvc.
 
 34 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Luc. And as to the exhibition, I have been 
 taught to believe, that for a natural pathetic, and 
 a fpirited expreflion, no people upon earth 
 
 Sack. You are impofed upon, child ; the <?- 
 quejne, the Lanoue, the Grandval, the Dumenil, 
 the GauJJen, what dignity, what aftion ! But, a 
 propos, I have myfelf wrote a tragedy *in French. 
 
 Luc. Indeed ! 
 
 Buck. En verite, upon Voltaire's plan. 
 
 Crab.. That muft be a precious piece of work. 
 
 Buck. It is now in repetition at the French co- 
 medy. Grandval and La Gauffen perform the 
 principal parts. Oh, what an eclat ! What a burft 
 will it make in the parterre, when the king of 
 Ananamaboe refufes the perfon of the princefs of 
 Cochineal ! 
 
 Luc. Do you remember the paflage ? 
 
 Buck. Entire ; and I believe I can convey it 
 in their manner. 
 
 'Luc. That will be delightful. 
 
 Buck. And firft the king. 
 
 Ma chere princefs, je vous aime, c'ejt vrai ; 
 De mafemme vous portez Les charmants attraits. 
 Mais ce n'ejlpas honnete pour un homme tel que moi t 
 De tromper mafemme, ou de rompre mafoi. 
 
 Luc. Inimitable ! 
 
 Buck. Now the princefs ; {he is, as you may 
 fuppofe, in extreme diftrefs. 
 Luc. No doubt. 
 
 Buck. Mon grand roy, mon cher adorable, 
 
 Ayez pitie de moi ; jefuis inconjolable. 
 
 [[Then he turns his back upon her, at which me 
 in a furyj 
 
 Monftrc
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 35 
 
 Monjlre, ingrat, ajfrcux, horrible, funcftc, 
 Oh queje vous aime, ah queje vous detcjle / 
 
 [Then he] 
 
 Penfez vous, madams, % me donner la loi t 
 Votrt haine, votrc amour, font lei memes chofes 
 a moi. 
 
 Luc. Bravo ! 
 
 Ld. J. Bravo, bravo ! 
 
 Buck. Ave, there's paflion and poetry, and 
 reafon and rhime. Oh how I deleft blood, and 
 blank verfe ! There is fomething fo foft, fo mu- 
 fical, and fo natural, in the rich rhimes of the 
 theatre Franfois ! 
 
 Ld. J. I did not know Sir Charles was fo totally- 
 devoted to the belles Idtres. 
 
 Buck. Oh, entirely. 'Tis the ton, the tafte, 
 I am every night at the Caffe* Procope, and had 
 not I had the misfortune to be born in this curft 
 country, I make no doubt but you would have 
 feen my name among the foremoft of the French 
 academy. 
 
 Crab. I mould think you might eafily get over 
 that difficulty, if you> will be but fo obliging, as pub- 
 licly to renounce us. I dare engage not one of 
 your countrymen mall contradict, or claim you. 
 
 Buck. No ! Impoffible. From the barbarity 
 of my education, I muft ever be taken for un 
 Anglois. 
 
 Crab. Never. 
 
 Buck. Enmrite? 
 
 Crab. En i) trite. 
 
 Buck. You flatter me. 
 
 * A coffee-houfe oppofite the French comedy, whr the wits 
 alfemble every evening. 
 
 C 2 Crab.
 
 3 6 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Crab. But common juftice. 
 
 Mac. Nay, maifter Crab is in the right, for I 
 have often" heard the French themfelves fay, Is it 
 poffible that gentleman can be Briti/h ? 
 
 Buck. Obliging creatures ! And you concur 
 with them. 
 
 Crab. Entirely. 
 
 Luc. Entirely. 
 
 Ld. J. Entirely. 
 
 Ruck. How happy you make me ! 
 
 Crab. Egregious puppy ! But we lofe time. 
 A truce to this trumpery. You have read your 
 father's will. 
 
 Buck. No ; I read no Engli/Ji. When Mac has 
 turned it into French, I may run over the items. 
 
 Crab. I have told you the part that concerns the 
 girl. And as your declaration upon it will dif- 
 charge me, I leave you to what you will call an 
 ecdaircij/ement. Come, my Lord. 
 
 Buck. Nay, but Monfieur Crab, my Lor, Mac. 
 
 Crab. Along with us. [Exit. 
 
 Buck. A comfortable fcrape I am in ! What 
 the deuce am I to do ? In the language of the 
 place, I am to make love, I fuppofe. A. pretty 
 employment ! 
 
 Luc. I fancy my hero is a little puzzled with 
 his part. But, now for it. 
 
 Buck. A queer creature, that Crab, ma petite. 
 But, a propos, How d'ye like my Lord. 
 
 Luc. He feems to have good fenfe and good 
 breeding. 
 
 Buck. Pas trop. But don't you think he has 
 fomething of a foreign kind of air about him ? 
 Luc. Foreign ? 
 
 Biick. Aye, fomething fo Engli/h in his manner. 
 
 Luc.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 37 
 
 Luc. Foreign, and Engli/h ! I don't compre- 
 hend you. 
 
 Buck. Why that is, he has not the eafe, thcjc 
 ne fcai quoi, the bon ten. In a word, he does not 
 referable me now. nt ? ; 
 
 Luc. Not in the leaft. 
 
 Buck. Ah, I thought fo. He is to be pitied, 
 poor devil, he can't help it. But, entrc nous, ma 
 chere, the fellow has a fortune. 
 
 Luc. How does that concern me, Sir Charles ? 
 
 Buck. Why, je penfe, ma rtine, that your eyes 
 have done execution there. 
 
 Luc. My eyes execution ! 
 
 Buck. Aye, child, is there any thing fo extra- 
 ordinary in that ? Mafoi, I thought by the vi- 
 vacity of his praife, that he had already fum- 
 moned the garrifbn to furrender. 
 
 Luc. To carry on the allufion, I believe my 
 Lord is too good a commander, to commence a 
 fruitlefs fiege He could not but know the con- 
 dition of the town. 
 
 Buck. Condition ! Explain, ma chere. 
 
 Luc. I was in hopes your interview with Mtf 
 Crab had made that unneceflary. 
 
 Buck. Ch, aye, I do recollect fomething of a 
 ridiculous article about marriage, in a will. But 
 what a plot againft the peace of two poor people ! 
 Well, the malice of fome men is amazing ! Not 
 contented with doing all the mifchief they "can 
 in their life, they are for intailing their malevo- 
 lence, like their eftates, to latell pofterity. 
 
 Luc. Your contempt of me, Sir Charles, I re- 
 ceive, as a compliment. But the infinite obliga- 
 tions I owe to the man, who had the misfortune 
 to call you fon, compel me to infift, that in my 
 C 3 prefence,
 
 3 8 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 pretence, at leaft, no indignity be offered to his 
 memory. 
 
 Buck. Heydey ! What, in heroics, ma reinc I 
 
 Luc. Ungrateful, unfilial wretch ! fo foon to 
 trample on his afhes, whofe fond heart, the greateft 
 load of his laft hours were his fears for thy future 
 welfare. 
 
 Buck. Ma foi t elk cjl folk, me is mad, fans 
 doute. 
 
 Luc. But I am to blame. Can he who breaks 
 through one facred relation, regard another? 
 Can the monfter who is corrupt enough to con- 
 temn the place of his birth, reverence thofe who 
 gave him being ? impoflible. 
 
 Buck. Ah, a pretty monologue, a fine foliloquy 
 this, child. 
 
 Luc. Contemptible. But I am cool. 
 
 Buck. I am mighty glad of it. Now we mall 
 underftand one another, I hope. 
 
 Luc. We do underftand one another. You 
 have already been kind enough to refufe me. 
 ^Jothing is wanting but a formal rejection under 
 your hand, and fo concludes our acquaintance. 
 
 Buck. Vous allez trcp vite, you- are to quick, ma 
 chtre. If I recollect, the confequence of this 
 rejection is my paying you twenty thoufan4 
 pounds,. 
 
 Luc. True. 
 
 Buck. Now that have not I the leaft inclination 
 to do. 
 
 Luc. No, fir ? Why you own that marriage 
 
 Buck. Is my averfion. I'll give you that under 
 my hand, if you pleafe but I have a prodigious 
 love for the Louis'. 
 
 Luc. Oh, we'll foon fettle that difpute ; the 
 
 law 
 
 fuel.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 39 
 
 Buck. But, hold, ma reine. I don't find that 
 my provident father has precifely determined the 
 time of this comfortable conjunction. So, tho' 
 I am condemned, the day of execution is not 
 fixed. 
 
 Luc. Sir ! 
 
 Buck. I fay, my foul, there goes no more to 
 your dying a maid, than my living a batchqlor. 
 Luc. O, fir, I fhall find a remedy. 
 Buck. But now fuppofe, ma belle, I have found 
 one to your hand ? 
 
 Luc. As how ? Name one, 
 Buck. I'll name two. And firft, mon enfant 
 tho' I have an irrefiftable antipathy to the conju- 
 gal knot, yet I am by no means blind to your per-* 
 fonal charms ; in the pofleflion of which, if you, 
 pleafe to place me, not only the aforefaid twenty 
 thoufand pounds, but the whole terrc of your de- 
 voted fhall fall at your 
 
 Luc. Grant me patience. ofo 
 
 Buck. Indeed you want it, my dear. But if 
 you flounce, I fly. 
 
 Luc. Quick, fir, your other. For this is 
 Buck. 1 grant, not quite fo fafhionable as my 
 other. It is then, in a word, that you would let 
 this lubberly lord make you a lady, and appoint 
 me his afMant, his private friend, his cicijbei. 
 And as we are to be joint partakers of your per- 
 fon, let us be equal fharers in your fortune, ma 
 belle. 
 
 Luc. Thou mean, abjeft, mercenary tbing.- 
 Thy miftrefs ! Gracious heaven ! Univerfal em- 
 pire fhould not bribe me to be thy bride. And 
 what apology, what excufe could a woman of the 
 leaft fenfe or fpirit make, for fo unnatural a con- 
 nection ! 
 
 C 4 BucL
 
 40 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. Fort bien, ! 
 
 Luc. Where are thy attractions? Canft thou 
 be weak enough to fuppofe thy frippery drefs, thy 
 affectation, thy grimace, could influence beyond 
 the borders of a brothel ? 
 
 Buck. Tres bien ! 
 
 Luc. And what are thy improvements ? Thy 
 air is a copy from thy barber : For thy drefs, thou 
 art indebted to thy taylor. Thou haft loft thy 
 native language, and brought home none in ex- 
 change for it. 
 
 Buck* Extremement bien ! 
 
 Luc. Had not thy vanity fo foon expofed thy 
 villainy, I might, in reverence to that name, to 
 which thou art a difgrace, have taken a wretched 
 chance with thee for life. 
 
 Buck. I am obliged to you for that. And a 
 pretty pacific partner I fhould have had. Why, 
 look'ee child, you have been, to be fure, very 
 eloquent, and upon the whole, not unentertain- 
 ing : tho' by the bye, you have forgot, in your 
 catalogue, one of my foreign acquifitions j c'e/l-a^ 
 dire, that I can, with a molt intrepid fang froid, 
 without a fmgle emotion, fupport all this ftormof 
 female fury. But, adieu, ma belle. And when a 
 cool hour of reflection has made you fenfible of 
 the propriety of my propofals, I ihall expect the 
 honour of a card. 
 
 Luc. Be gone for ever. 
 
 Buck. Pour jamais ! Foregad fhe would make 
 an admirable aftrefs. If I once get her to Paris, 
 fhe mail p!ay a part in my piece. \_Exit. 
 
 Luc. I am afhamed, this thing has had the 
 power to move me thus. Who waits there ? Dear 
 Mr. Crab . 
 
 Enter
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 41 
 
 Enter Lord John and Crab. 
 
 Ld. J. We have been unwillingly, madam, 
 filent witnefies to this fhameful fcene. I blufh that 
 a creature, who wears the outward mark of hu- 
 manity, fhould be in his morals fo much below.- 
 
 Crab. Prithee why didft thou not call thy maids, 
 and tofs the booby in a blanket ? 
 
 Ld. J- If 1 might be permitted, madam, to 
 conclude what I intended faying, when inter- 
 rupted by Mr. Crab 
 
 Luc. My lord, don't think me guilty of affec- 
 tation. I believe, I guefs at your generous de- 
 fign ; but my temper is really fo ruffled, befides I 
 am meditating a piece of female revenge on this 
 coxcomb. 
 
 Ld. J. Dear madam, can I affift ? 
 
 Luc. Only by defiring my maid to bring hi- 
 ther the tea. My lord, I am confounded at the 
 liberty, but 
 
 Ld. J. No apology. You honour me, ma- 
 dam. 
 
 Crab. And prithee, wench, what is thy 
 fcheme ? 
 
 Luc. Oh, a very harmlefs one, I promHe you. 
 
 Crab. Zounds, I am forry for it. I long to fee 
 the puppy feverely punimed, methinks. 
 
 Luc. Sir Charles, 1 fancy, can't be yet got out 
 of the houfe. Will you defire him to ftep 
 hither ? 
 
 Crab. I'll bring him. '.f.' 
 
 Luc. No, I wifh to have him alone, 
 
 Crab. Why then I'll fend him. [Exit. 
 
 Enter
 
 42 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Enter Lettice. ^ 
 
 Luc. Place thefe things on the table, a chair 
 on each fide : very well. Do you keep within 
 call. But hark, he is here. Leave me, Lettice. 
 
 [Exit Lettice. 
 
 Enter Buck. 
 
 Suck. So, fo, I thought me would come to ; 
 but, I confefs not altogether fo foon. Eh bien> 
 ma belle, fee me ready to receive your commands- 
 
 Luc. Pray be feated, Sir Charles. I am afraid 
 the natural warmth of my temper might have 
 hurried me into fome expreflions not altogether fo 
 fuitable. 
 
 Buck. Ah bagatelle. Name it not. 
 
 Luc. foulez-vous du the, monfieur ? 
 
 Buck. Volontiers. This tea is a pretty innocent 
 kind of beverage ; I wonder the French don't take 
 it. I have fome thoughts of giving it a fafhion 
 next winter. 
 
 Luc. That will be very obliging. It is of ex- 
 treme fervice to the ladies this fide the water you 
 know. 
 
 Buck. True, it promotes parties, and infufes a 
 kind of fpirit of converfation, and that 
 
 Luc. En voulez-vous encore ? 
 
 Buck. Je vous rends miile graces. But what has 
 occafioned me, mareine, the honour of your mef- 
 fage by Mr. Crab ? 
 
 Luc. The favours I have received from your 
 family, Sir Charles, I thought, demanded from 
 me, at my quitting your houfe, a more decent, 
 and ceremonious adieu, than our laft interview 
 would admit of.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 43 
 
 Suck. Is that all, ma chtre? I thought your 
 flinty heart had, at laft relented. Well, ma reinc, 
 adieu. 
 
 Luc. Can you then leave me ? 
 
 Buck. The fates will have it fo. 
 
 Luc. Go then, perfidious traitor, be gone ; I 
 have this confolation, however, that If I cannot 
 legally poflefs you, no other woman mail. 
 
 Buck. Hey, how, what ? 
 
 Luc. And tho' the pleafure of living with you 
 is denied me, in our deaths, at leaft, we mail foon 
 be united. 
 
 Buck. Soon be united in death ? When, 
 child ? 
 
 Luc. Within this hour. 
 
 Buck. Which way ? 
 
 Luc. The fatal draught's already at my heart. 
 I feel it here ; it runs thro' every pore. Pangs, 
 pangs unutterable ! The tea we drank, urged by 
 defpair and love Oh ! 
 
 Buck. Well! 
 
 Luc. I poifon'd. 
 
 Buck. The devil! 
 
 Luc. And as my generous heart would have 
 mared all with you, I gave you half. 
 
 Buck. Oh, curfe your generofrty ! 
 
 Luc. Indulge me in the cold comfort of a laft 
 embrace. 
 
 Buck. Embrace ! O confound you ! But it 
 mayn't be too late. Macruthcn, Jonquil ! phyfi- 
 cians, apothecaries, oil and antidotes. Oh Ije 
 mcurs, je meurs. Ah, la diableffe ! [Exit. 
 
 Enter Lord John and Crab. 
 Crab. A brave wench. I could kifs thee for 
 this contrivance.
 
 44 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Ld. J. He really deferves it all. 
 
 Crab. Deferves it! Hang him. But the fenfible 
 refentment of this girl has almoft reconciled me 
 to the world again. But ftay, let us fee-^Can't 
 we make a further ufe of tne puppy's punilhment? 
 I fuppofe, we may very fafely depend on your 
 contempt of him ? 
 
 Lite. Moft fecurely. 
 
 Crab. And this young thing here, has been 
 breathing paffions and protections. But I 11 
 take care, my girl (ha'nt go a beggar to any man's 
 bed. We muft have this twenty thoufand pound, 
 Lucy. 
 
 Ld. 7. I regard it not. Let me be happy, 
 and let him be 
 
 Crab. Pma, don't fcorch me with thy flames. 
 Refcrve your raptures; or, if they muft have 
 vent, retire into that room, whilft I go plague 
 the puppy. \_Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Buck, Macruthen, Jonquil, Bearnois, 
 La Loire, Phyfician, Surgeon. Buck in a 
 Cap and Night Gown. 
 
 Surg. This copious phlebotomy will abate the 
 inflammation, and if the' fix bliilers on your head 
 and back rife, why there may be hopes. 
 
 Buck. Cold comfort. I burn, I burn, I burn- 
 Ah, there's a fhoot. And now, again, J freeze. 
 Mac. Aye, they are fymptoms of a ftrong poi- 
 fon. 
 
 Buck. Oh, I am on the rack. 
 Mac. Oh, if it be got to the vitals, a fig for aw 
 antidotes. 
 
 Enter Crab. 
 
 Crab, Where is this mifarable devil ? What's 
 he alive ftill ? 
 
 Mac,
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 45 
 
 Mac. In gude troth, and that's aw. 
 
 Buck. Oh ! 
 
 Crab. So you have made a pretty piece of 
 work on't, young man ! 
 
 Buck. O what could provoke me to return from 
 Paris ? 
 
 Crab. Had you never been there, this could not, 
 have happened. 
 
 Enter Racket and Tallyhoe. 
 
 Rack. Where is he ? He's dead man, his eyes 
 are fix'd already. 
 
 Buck. Oh! 
 
 Tall}'. Who poifon'd him, Racket ? 
 
 Rack. Gad I don't know. His French cook, I 
 reckon. 
 
 Crab. Were there a poffibility of thy refor- 
 mation, I have yet a fecret to reftore thee. 
 
 Buck. Oh give it, give it. 
 
 Crab. Not fo faft. It muft be on good con- 
 ditions. 
 
 Buck. Name 'em. Take my eflate, my fave 
 but my life, take all. 
 
 Crab. Firft then renounce thy right to that lady,, 
 whofe juft refentment has drawn this punimment 
 upon thee ; and, in which fhe is an unhappy 
 partaker. 
 
 Buck. I renounce her from my foul. 
 Crab. To this declaration you are witnefTes.. 
 Next, your tawdry trappings, your foreign fop- 
 pery, your wafhes, paints, pomades, mult blaze 
 before your door. 
 Buck. What, all ? 
 
 Crab. All; not a rag fh all be referved. The 
 execution of this part of your fentence fliall be 
 afligned to your old friends here.
 
 4 6 THE ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Suck. Well, take 'em. 
 
 Tally. Huzza, come Racket, let's rummage, 
 
 [Exeunt Racket and Tally hoe. 
 
 Crab. And, laftly, I'll have thefe exotic at- 
 tendants, thefe inftruments of your luxury, thefe 
 panders to your pride, pack'd in the firft cart, and 
 fent poft to the place from whence they came. 
 
 Buck. Spare me but La Jonquil. 
 
 Ciab. Not an inftant. The importation of 
 thefe puppies makes a part of the politics of your 
 old friends, the French ; unable to refift you, 
 \vhilft you retain your ancient roughnefs, they 
 have recourfe to thefe minions, who would 
 firft, by unmanly means, fap and foften all your 
 native fpirit, and then deliver you an eafy prey 
 to their employers. 
 
 Buck. Since then it muft be fo. adieu La Jon- 
 quil. \_Exeunt Jonquil and Bearnois. 
 
 Crab. And now to the remedy. Come forth, 
 Lu;inda. 
 
 Enter Lucinda and Lord John. 
 
 Buck. Hey, why did not (he fwallow the 
 poifon ? 
 
 Crab. No ; nor you neither, you blockhead. 
 
 Buck. "Why, did not I leave you in pangs ? 
 
 Buc. Aye, put on. The tea was innocent, up- 
 on my honour, Sir Charles. But you allow me 
 to be an excellent a&refs. 
 
 Buck. Oh, curfe your talents ! 
 
 Crab. This fellow's public renunciation, has 
 put your perfon and fortune in your own power : 
 and if you were fincere in your declaration of 
 being directed by me. beftow it there. 
 
 Luc. As a proof of my fmcerity, my Lord, re- 
 ceive it. 
 
 Ld. J.
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS. 47 
 
 Ld. J. With more tranfport, than Sir Charks 
 the news of his fafety. 
 
 Luc. to Buck. You are not, at prefent, in a 
 condition to take poffeflion of your poft. 
 
 Buck. What? 
 
 Luc. Oh, you recolleft; my Lord's private 
 friend ; his afliflant you know. 
 
 Buck. Oh, ho ! 'I 
 
 Mac. But, Sir Charles, as I find the affair of 
 the poifon was but a joke, had na'ye better with- 
 draw, and tack off your blifters ? 
 
 Crab. No, let 'em flick. He wants 'em. And 
 now concludes my care. But before we clofe 
 the fcene, receive, young man, this laft advice 
 from the old friend of your father : As it is your 
 happinefs to be born a Briton, let it be your boaft ; 
 know that the bleffings of liberty are your birth- 
 right, which while you preferve, other nations 
 may envy or fear, but can never conquer or con- 
 temn you. Believe, that French fafhions are as 
 ill-fuited to the genius, as their politics are per- 
 nicious to the peace of your native land. 
 
 A convert to thefefacred truths, you'll find, 
 That poifon for your punifliment dejign'd 
 Witt prove a whokfome medicine to your mind. 
 
 ^Exeunt omnes. 
 
 FINIS.
 
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 THE 
 
 KNIGHTS: 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 I N 
 
 TWO ACTS, 
 
 As it is perfprmed 
 At the Theatre-Royal in Drury-Larre, 
 
 Written by SAMUEL F O O T E, Efq. 
 
 fed halet comae Jia tan to 
 Plus oneris. yuanto Venice minus, Hor. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for W. L OWN DBS, N 77, FLEET-STREET. 
 M.DCC.LXXXVII. 
 
 [Price ONE SHILLING.]
 
 a- T, H 
 
 ,Y CI ,3 ,1 
 
 l ni fcvr /J 
 
 T O O "i - M A t vi 
 
 :/! O (i /! U 
 
 [.O Vil J JI.H ; i-
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 S this is the laft opportunity Ifliall have of 
 addrejjing the public this year, I think it my 
 duty to return them my warmeft acknowledgements 
 for their favourable reception of the following 
 little piece. 
 
 The three principal characters I met with in a 
 fummers expedition ; they are neither vamped 
 from antiquated plays, pilfered from French far- 
 ces, nor the bafelefs beings of the poet's brain. I 
 have given them in their plain natural habit ; they 
 wanted no dramatic Jinijhing ; nor can 1 claim 
 any other merit than grouping them together and 
 throwing them, into attion. The juftice, done 
 them thereby the performers, has been too jirongly 
 diftinguijhed by the town to render any thing 
 from me necejfary ; / could only wifh that the ma- 
 nagers of the theatres would employ Mr. Caflallo, 
 wbofe peculiar naivete and ftriffi propriety would 
 greatly become many characters on our ftage. 
 
 S. Foote. 
 
 A i PRO-
 
 PROLOGUE, 
 
 Written and fpoken by Mr. FOOTE. 
 
 TJAP PT my muje, hadjhefirjl turned her art, 
 **- From humour's dangerous path, to touch the heart, 
 They, who in all the blufter of blank verje 
 The mournful tales of love and war rehearfe, 
 Are Jure the critics cenfure to efcape j 
 
 Tou hifs not heroes now, you only gape ! 
 
 Nor (grangers quite to heroes, kings, and queens) 
 
 Dare you intrude your judgement on their fcenes. 
 
 A different lot the comic muje attends. 
 
 She is obliged to treat you with your friends j 
 
 Muftfearch the court, the forum, and the city, 
 
 Mark out the dull, the gallant, and the witty , 
 
 Touth's wildprofujion, tV avarice of age, 
 
 Nay, bring the fit iff elf upon theftage. 
 
 Firft to the bar Jhe turns her various face ; 
 
 Hem ! my lord, I am council in this cafe. 
 
 And if Jo be your lordjhipjhould think fit. 
 
 Why, to be Jure, my client muftfubmit ; * * 
 
 For why ? becaufe Then ojfjhe trips again. 
 
 And, to the Jons of commerce, Jhtfts herfcene: 
 There, whilft the griping Jire, with moping care^ 
 Defrauds the world himjelf t y enrich his heir, 
 The pious boy, his father's toil rewarding, 
 For thoufandf throws a main at Covent-Garden / 
 Thefe are the portraits we 1 re obligd to Jhew ; 
 Tou are all judges if they're like or no ; 
 Herejhould we fail, fome other Jhape we'll try, 
 grace our future Jcenes
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 / have a plan to treat you with burletta, 
 'That cannot mlfs your tafte, miafpiletta : 
 But, Jhould the following piece your mirth excite, 
 From Nature's volume we'll perfift to write j 
 Tour partial favour bade us firft proceed, 
 Then Jp are ttf offender fine e you urgd the deed. 
 
 DRA-
 
 Dramatis Perfonse, 
 
 Hartop - 
 
 Sir Gregory Gazette 
 Jenkins 
 Timothy 
 
 Robin 
 
 Jenny - 
 
 Mifs Penelope Trifle 
 Mifs Sukey Trifle 
 
 Mr. Foote. 
 Mr. Tafes* 
 Mr. Elakes. 
 Mr. Caflallo. 
 Mr. Clougb. 
 Mifs Minors. 
 Mrs. Crofs. 
 Mifs Mills. 
 
 THE
 
 T H 1 
 
 KNIGHTS. 
 
 A C T; I. 
 
 SCENE, a Room. 
 HARTOP and JENKINS difcovered. 
 
 Jenk. T Should not choofe to marry into fuch a 
 X family. 
 
 Hart. Choice, dear Dick, is very little concern- 
 ed in the matter ; and, to convince you that love 
 is not the minifter of my counfels, know that I ne- 
 ver faw but once the object of my prefent purpofe, 
 and that too at a time, and in a circumflance, not 
 very likely to ftamp a favourable impreffion. What 
 think you of a raw board ing^fchool- girl at Uncoln- 
 Minfter, with a mind nnpoliflied, a figure unin~ . 
 formed, and a fet of features tainted with the colours 
 of her unwholeibme food ? 
 
 Jenk. No very engaging object indeed, Hartop. 
 
 Hart. Your thoughts' now were mine then ; but 
 
 feme connections I have fmce had with her father 
 
 A 4 have
 
 8 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 have given birth to my prefent defign upon her. 
 You are no ftranger to the fituation of my circum- 
 ftances : my neighbourhood to Sir Penurious Trifle 
 was a fufficient motive for his advancing what mo- 
 ney I wanted by way of mortgage ; the hard terms 
 he impofed upon me, and the little regard I have 
 paid to ceconomy, has made it necefiary for me to 
 attempt by fome fcheme the re-eftablifhment of my 
 fortune: this young lady's fimplicity, not to call it 
 ignorance, prefented her at once as a proper fubject 
 for my purpofe. 
 
 Jenk. Succefs to you, Jack, with all my foul ! a 
 fellow of your fpirit and vivacity mankind ought to 
 fupport for the fake of themfelves j for, whatever 
 Seneca and the other moral writers may have fug- 
 gefted in contempt of riches, it is plain their max- 
 ims were not calculated for the world as it now 
 % flands ; in days of yore indeed, when virtue was 
 called wifdom, and vice folly, fuch principles 
 might have been encouraged - y but, as the prefent 
 fubjefts of our inquiry are, not what man is, but 
 what he has, as to be rich is to be wife and virtuous, 
 and to be poor ignorant and vicious, I heartily ap- 
 plaud your plan ! 
 
 Hart. Your obfervation is but too juft ! and is it 
 not, Dick, a little unaccountable, that we, who 
 condefcend fo fervilely to copy the follies and fop- 
 peries of our polite neighbours, fhould be fo totally 
 averfe to an imitation of their virtues ? In France > 
 Has he wealth ? is an interrogation never put till they 
 are difappointed in their inquiries after the birth and 
 wifdom of a fafhionable fellow : but here, How 
 much a year ? Two thoufand. The devil ! In 
 what country ? Berkfhire. Indeed 1 God blefs 
 
 us!
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 9 
 
 us ! ft happy dog ! How the deuce come I to be 
 interefted in a man's fortune unlefs I am his fteward 
 or his tailor ? Indeed knowledge and genius arc 
 worth examining into ; by thofe my understanding 
 may be improved, or my imagination gratified; 
 but why fuch a man's being able to eat ortolans, and 
 drink French wine, is to recommend him to my 
 efteem, is what I cannot readily conceive. 
 
 Jenk. This complaint may with juftice be made 
 of all imitations ; the ridiculous fide is ever the ob- 
 jefb imitated. But a truce to moralifing and to our 
 bufmefs. Prithee, in the firft place, how can you 
 gain admittance to your miftrefs ? and, in the fe- 
 cond, is the girl independent of her father ? his 
 confent, I fuppofe, you have no thoughts of ob- 
 taining. 
 
 Hart. Some farther propofals concerning my ef- 
 tate, fuch as an increafe of the mortgage or an ab- 
 folute fale, is a fufficient pretence for a vifit j and, 
 as to ca(h, twenty to my knowledge ! independent 
 too, you rogue ! and, befides, an only child, you 
 know ! and then, when things are done they can't 
 be undone, and 'tis well its no worfe, and a hundred 
 fuch pretty proverbs, will, its great odds, reconcile 
 the old fellow at laft. Befides, my papa in poffe 
 has a foible, which, if I condefcend to humour, I 
 have his foul, my dear. 
 
 Jenk. Prithee, now you are in fpirits, give me a 
 portrait of Sir Penurious ; though he is my neigh- 
 bour, yet he is fo tfomeftic an animal that I know 
 no more of him than the common country conver- 
 fation, that he is a thrifty, wary, man. 
 
 Hart. The very abftract of penury ! Sir John 
 Cutler, with his tranfmigrated (lockings, was but a 
 
 type
 
 io THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 type of him. For inflance, the barber has the growth 
 of his and his daughters 's head once a year for fha- 
 ving the knight once a fortnight ; his fhoes are made 
 with the leather of a coach of his grandfather's, builc 
 in the year i ; his male fervant is footman, groom, 
 carter, coachman, and tailor; his maid employs her 
 leifure hours in plain-work for the neighbours, which 
 Sir Penurious takes care, as her labour is for his 
 emolument, (hall be as many as poflible, by joining 
 with his daughter in fcouring the rooms, making 
 the beds, &c. thus much for his moral character. 
 Then, as to his intellectual, he is a mere carte 
 blanche; the laft man he is with muft afford him 
 matter for the next he goes to ; but a ftory is his 
 idol, throw him in that and he fwallows it ; no mat- 
 ter what, raw or roafted, favoury or infipid, down 
 it goes, and up again to the firft perfon he meets : 
 it is upon this bafis I founoT my favour with the 
 knight, having acquired patience enough to hear 
 his ftories, and equipped myfelf with a quantity fuf- 
 ficient to furnifli him; his manner is indeed'pecu- 
 liar, and for once or twice entertaining enough. I'll 
 give you a fpecimen ; Is not that an equi- 
 page ? 
 
 Jenk. Hey.! yes, faith ! and the owner an ac- 
 quaintance of mine ; Sir Gregory Gazette, by Ju- 
 piter ! and his fon Tim with him. Now I can match, 
 your knight. He muft come this way to the par- 
 lour. We'll have a icene ; but take your cue, he 
 is a country politician. 
 
 "i n.-.- "'"jjfl'joo norrT.T'.o^i sri? its;, c.i 
 
 SIR GREGORY, enter ing, -and Walter. 
 
 Sir Greg. What, neither the Gloucefter Journal, 
 nor the Worccfter Couranr, nor the Northampton 
 
 Mercury,
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 11 
 
 Mercury, nor the Chefter ? Mr. Jenkins, 
 
 I am your humble fervantj a ftrange town this, 
 Mr. Jenkins, no news ftirring, no papers taken in ! 
 Is that gentleman a ftranger, Mr. Jenkins ? Pray, 
 fir, not to be too bold, don't you come from Lon- 
 don ? 
 
 Hart. But laft night. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! that's wonderful ! 
 Mr. Jenkins, introduce me. 
 
 Jenk. Mr. Hartop, Sir Gregory Gazette. 
 
 Sir Greg. Sir, I am proud to Well, fir, 
 
 and what news ? You come from Pray, fir, 
 
 are you a parliament-man ? 
 
 Hart. Not I indeed, fir. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good lack ! may be belong to the 
 law? 
 
 Hart. Nor that. 
 
 Sir Greg. Oh, then in ibme of the offices > the 
 treafury or the exchequer ? 
 
 Hart. Neither, fir. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! that's wonderful ! Well, 
 
 but, Mr. . Pray what name did Mr. Jenkins, 
 
 Ha Ha 
 
 Hart. Hartop. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ay, true ! what, not of the Hartops of 
 Bofton ? 
 
 Hart. No. 
 
 Sir Greg. May be not. There is, Mr. Hartop, 
 one thing that I envy you Londoners in much ; 
 quires of news-papers ! Now I reckon you read a 
 matter of eight fheets every day ? 
 
 Hart. Not one. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! then, may be, you are 
 about court j and fo, being at the fountain-head, 
 
 know
 
 ia THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 know what is in the papers before they are print- 
 ed. 
 
 Hart. I never trouble my head about them. - - 
 An old fool ! [Afide.'] 
 
 Sir Greg. Good lord ! Your friend, Mr. Jen- 
 kins, is very clofe. 
 
 Jenk. Why, Sir Gregory, Mr. Hartop is much 
 in the fecrets above j and it becomes a man fo truft- 
 cd to be wary, you know. 
 
 Sir Greg. May be fo, may be fo. Wonderful ! 
 ay, ay, a great man no doubt. 
 
 Jenk. But I'll give him a better infight into your 
 character, and that will induce him to throw off his . 
 referve. 
 
 Sir Greg. May be fo j do, do ; ay, ay ! 
 
 Jenk. Prithee, Jack, don't be fo crufty, indulge 
 the knight's humour a little j befides, if I guefs 
 right, it may be necefiary for the conduct of your 
 defign to contract a pretty ftrict intimacy here. 
 
 Harf. Well, do as you will. 
 
 Jenk. Sir Gregory, Mr. Hartop's ignorance of 
 your character made him a little Ihy in his replies, 
 but you will now find him more communicative ; 
 and, in your ear, he is a treafure ; he is in all the 
 myfteries of government ; at the bottom of every 
 thing. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful I a treafure ! ay, ay, may 
 befo. 
 
 Jenk. And, that you may have him to yourfelf, 
 I'll go in fearch of your fon. 
 
 Sir Greg. Do fo, do fo ; Tim is without, juft 
 come from his uncle Tregegle's at Mavagezy in 
 
 Cornwall j
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 13 
 
 Cornwall ; Tim is an honeft lad : do fo, do fo. 
 [Exit Jenk.~\ Well, Mr. Hartop, and fo we have 
 a peace j lack-a-day ! long looked for come at laft. 
 But pray, Mr. Hartop, how many news-papers may 
 you have printed in a week ? 
 
 Hart. About a hundred and fifty, Sir Gregory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! and all full, I 
 reckon ; full as an egg j nothing but news ! well, 
 well, I mail go to London one of thefe days. A 
 hundred and fifty ; wonderful ! and, pray now, 
 which do you reckon the beft ? 
 
 Hart. Oh, Sir Gregory, they are as various in 
 their excellencies as their ufes ; if you are inclined 
 to blacken, by a couple of lines, the reputation of 
 a neighbour, whofe charadter neither your nor his 
 whole life can poffibly reftore, you may do it for 
 two millings in one paper; if you are displaced, or 
 difappointed of a place, a triplet againft the miniftry 
 will be always well received at the head of another; 
 and then, as a paper of morning amufement, you 
 have the Fool. 
 
 Sir Greg. The Fool ! good lack ! and pray who 
 and what may that fame Fool be ? 
 
 Hart. Why, Sir Gregory, the author has artfully 
 afifumed that habit, like the royal jefters of old, to 
 level his fatire with more fecurity to himfelf and fe- 
 verity to others. 
 
 Sir Greg. May be fo, may be fo ! the Fool ! ha, 
 Jia, ha ! well enough ! a queer dog, and no fool, I 
 warrant you ! Killigrew, ah, 1 have heard my 
 grandfather talk much of that fame Killigrew, and 
 no fool ! But what is all this to news, Me. Har- 
 top ? Who gives us the beft account of the king of 
 Spain, and the queen of Hungary, and thofe great 
 
 folks ?
 
 i 4 THE' KNIGHTS. 
 
 folks ? Come now, you could give us a little news 
 if you would ; come now ! fnug ! nobody by ! 
 good now do ; come, ever fo little ! 
 
 Hart. Why, as you fo largely contribute to the 
 fupport of the government, it is but fair you fhould 
 know what they are about. We are at prefent in 
 a treaty with the pope ! 
 
 Sir Greg. With the pope ! Wonderful ! Good 
 now, good now ! how, how ? 
 
 Hart. We are to yield him up a large tract of the 
 Terra Incognita, together with both the Needles, 
 Scilly-rocks, and the Lizard-point, on ' condition 
 that the pretender has the government of Laputa, 
 and the bifhop of Greenland fucceeds ta St. Peter's 
 chair j he being, you know, a proteftant, when 
 poffefied of the pontificals, iffues out a bull, com- 
 manding all catholics to be of his religion ; they, 
 deeming the pope infallible, follow his directions, 
 and then, Sir Gregory, we are all of one mind. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good lack, good lack ! rare news, rare 
 news, rare news ! ten millions of thanks, Mr. Har- 
 top i But might not I juft hint this to Mr. Soakum, 
 our vicar ? 'twould rejoice his heart. 
 
 Hart. O fie, by no means. 
 
 Sir Greg. Only a line ! a little hint ! do 
 now. 
 
 Hart. W T ell, fir, it is difficult for me to refufe 
 you any thing. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ten thoufand thanks ! Now ! the 
 
 pope ! Wonderful ! I'll minute it down ; 
 
 both the Needles ? 
 
 Hart. Ay, both. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, I'll minute it ; the Li- 
 
 2ard-point, . both the Needles, Scilly-rocks, 
 
 bifhop
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 15 
 
 . bifhop of Greenland, St. Peter's chair. 
 - .Why then, when this is finifhed, we may 
 chance to attack the great Turk, and have holy wars 
 again, Mr. Hartop ? 
 
 Hart. That's part of the fcheme. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ah ! good now ! you fee I have a head ! 
 politics have been my ftudy many a day. , Ah, if I 
 had been in London to improve by the news-pa- 
 pers ! - They tell me Doctor Drybones is to fuc- 
 ceed to the bifhopric of \Whifyers > .] 
 
 Hart. No; Dodor - \WbiJf ers\ 
 
 Sir Greg. Indeed ! I was told by my landlord at 
 Rofs, that it was between him and the dean of 
 
 Hart. To my knowledge 
 
 Sir Greg. Nay, you know beft, to be fure. If 
 it fhould - Hufh ! here's Mr. Jenkins and fon 
 Tim. Mum ! Mr. Jenkins does not know any 
 thing about the treaty with the pope ? 
 
 Hart. Not a word. 
 
 Sir Greg. Mum 1 
 
 Enter TIMOTHY and JENKINS. 
 
 Jenk. Mafter Timothy is almoft grown out of 
 knowledge, Sir Gregory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! ay, ay, ill 
 weeds grow apace. Son Tim, Mr. Hartop : a great 
 man, child ! Mr. Hartop, fon Tim. 
 
 Hart. Sir, I (hall be always glad to know every 
 branch that fprings from fo valuable a trunk as Sir 
 Gregory Gazette. 
 
 Sir Greg. May be fo ! Wonderful ! Ay, ay ! 
 
 Hart.
 
 if THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Hart. Sir, I am glad to fee you in Herefordfhire : 
 have you been long from Cornwall ? 
 
 Tim. Ay, fir j a matter of four weeks or a month, 
 more or lefs. 
 
 Sir Greg. Well faid, Tim ! ay, ay, alk Tim any 
 queftions, he can anfwer for himfelf. Tim, tell 
 Mr. Hartop all the news about the ele&ions, and 
 the tinners, and the tides, and the roads, and the 
 pilchers : I want a few words with my mafter Jen- 
 kins. 
 
 Hart. You have been fo long abfent from your 
 native country that you have almoft forgot it. 
 
 Tim. Yes fure ; I ha' been at uncle Tregegle's a 
 matter of twelve or a dozen year, more or lefs. 
 
 Hart. Then I reckon you were quite impatient to 
 fee your papa and mamma ? 
 
 Tim. No fure, not I. Father fent for me to un- 
 cle ; fure Mavagezy is a choice place ! and I could 
 a'ftay'd there all my born days, more or lefs. 
 
 Hart. Pray, fir, what were your amufements. 
 
 Tim. Nan ? what do you fay ? 
 
 Hart. How did you divert yourfelf ? 
 
 Tim. Oh, we ha* paftimes enow there : we ha' 
 bull-baiting, and cock-fighting, and fifhing, and 
 hunting, and hurling, and wreftling, 
 
 Hart. The two laft are fports for which that 
 country is very remarkable : in thofe, I prefumc, 
 you are very expert ? 
 
 Tim. Nan? what? 
 
 Hart. I fay you are a good wreftler ? 
 
 Tim. Oh ! yes fure, I can wreftle well enow : 
 but we don't wreftle after your fafhion j we ha' no 
 tripping j fath and foul ! we all go upon clofe hugs 
 
 or
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 17 
 
 or the flying mare. Will you try a fall, matter ? I 
 wan't hurt you, fath and foul. 
 
 Hart. We had as good not venture though. - 
 But have you left in Cornwall nothing that you 
 regret the lofs of more than hurling and wreft- 
 ling ? 
 
 Tim. Nan ? what ? 
 
 Hart. No favourite (he ? 
 
 Tim. Arra, I coupled Favourite and Jowler to- 
 gether, and fure they tugg'd it all the way up. 
 Part wich Favourite ! no I thank you for nothing : 
 you muft know I nurfed Favourite myfelf ; uncle's 
 huntfman was going to mill-pond to drown all 
 Mufic's puppies; iblfavedfhe: but, fath, I'll tell 
 you a comical (lory ; at Lanfton they both broke 
 loofe and eat a whole loin-a'-veal and a leg of beef: 
 Crift ! how landlord fwear'd ! fath, the poor fellow 
 was almoft mazed ; it made me die wi' laughing : 
 but how game you to know about our Favourite ? 
 
 Hart. A circumftance, fo material to his fon, 
 could not efcape the knowledge of Sir Gregory Ga- 
 zette's friends. But here you miftook me a little, 
 'Squire Tim ; I meant whether your affe&ions were 
 not fettled upon fome pretty girl j has not fome Cor- 
 nifh lafs caught your heart ? 
 
 Tim. Hu(h ! 'god, the old man will hearj jog a 
 tiny bit this way ; won't a' tell father ? 
 
 Hart. Upon my honour ! 
 
 Tim. Why then I'll tell you the whole ftory, more 
 or lefs. Do you know Mally Pengroufe ? 
 
 Hart. I am not fo happy. 
 
 Tim. She's uncle's milkmaid j fhe's as handfome, 
 
 lord ! her face all red and white, like the infide of 
 
 a Ihoulder of mutton : fo 1 made love to our Mally ; 
 
 B and
 
 ** * THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 and juft, fath, as I had got her good will to run a- 
 way to Exeter and be married, uncle found it out 
 and fent word to father, and father fent forme 
 home j but I don't love her a bit the worfer for 
 that : but, 'icod, if you tell father he'll knock my 
 brains out, for he fays I'll difparage the family, and 
 mother's as mad as a March hare about it ; fo father 
 and mother ha' brought me to be married to fome 
 young body in thefe parts. 
 
 Hart. What, is my lady here ? 
 
 Tim. No fure, Dame Winifred, as father calls 
 her, could not come along. 
 
 Hart. I am forry for that ; I have the honour to 
 be a diftant relation of her ladyfhip. 
 
 Tim. Like enough, fath ! fhe's a-kin to half the 
 world, I think. But don't you fay a word to father 
 about Mally Pengroufe. Hufh ! 
 
 Jenk. Mr. Hartop, Sir Gregory will be amongft 
 us fome time j he is going with his fon to Sir Penu- 
 rious Trifle's j there is a kind of a treat/ of mar- 
 riage on foot between Mifs Sukey Trifle and Mr. 
 Timothy. 
 
 Hart. The devil ! I fhall be glad of every cir- 
 cumftance that can make me better acquainted with 
 Sir Gregory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! may be fo, 
 may be fo. 
 
 Tim. Father, fure the gentleman fays as how mo- 
 ther and he are a-kin. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! lack- a- day ! lack-a-day ! 
 
 how, how ? I am proud to But how, Mr. 
 
 Hartop, how ? 
 
 Hart. Why, fir, a coufin-german of my aunt's 
 firft hufband inter-married with a diftant relation of
 
 
 THE KNIGHT S. - 19 
 
 a collateral branch by the mother's fide, the Aporices 
 of Lantrindon ; and we have ever fince quartered in 
 an efcutcheon of pretence the three goats taite ram- 
 pant, divided by a chevron, field argent, with a 
 leek pendant ir- the dexter point, to diflinguilh the 
 fecond houfe. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful! wonderful! nearly, nearly, 
 related I good now, good now ! if Dame Winifred 
 were here fhe'd make them all out with a wet finger; 
 but they are above me. Prithee, Tim, good now ! 
 fee after the horfes ; and, d'ye hear ! try if you 
 can get any news-papers. 
 
 Tim. Yes, father. But, coufm What-d'ye- call- 
 urn, not a word about Mally Pengroufe ! 
 
 Hart. Mum ! 
 
 [Exit Timothy.] 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, that boy will make fonne 
 miftake about the 'horfes now ! I'll go myfelf. 
 Good now, no farther ccufin ! ifyoupl-afe, no ce- 
 remony ! A hundred and fifty a week! the 
 
 Fool ! ha, ha^ ha ! wonderful ! an odd dog. 
 
 [Exit Sir Gregory.] 
 
 Jenk. So, Jack, here's a frefh fpoke in your 
 wheel. 
 
 Hart. This is a curfed crofs incident ! 
 
 'Jenk. Well, but fomething muft be done to 
 fruftrate the fcheme of your new coufm. Can you 
 think of nothing? 
 
 Harti I have been hammering : pray, are the 
 two knights intimate ? are they well acquainted with 
 each other's perfon ? 
 
 Jenk. Faith, I can't tell ; but we may foon 
 know. 
 
 B 2 Hart.
 
 20 
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Hart. Could you recommend me a good fpirited 
 girl, who has humour and compliance to follow a 
 few directions, and underftanding enough to bar- 
 ter a little inclination for 3000!. a year and a 
 fool? 
 
 Jenk. In part I guefs your defign : the man's 
 daughter of the houfe is a good lively lafs, has a 
 fortune to make, and no reputation to lofe. I'll call 
 her. Jenny ! But the enemy is at hand ; I'll 
 withdraw and prepare Jenny. When the wor- 
 fhipful family are retired Til introduce the 
 wench. 
 
 [Exit Jenkins.} 
 
 Enter SIR GREGORY and TIMOTHY. 
 
 Sir Greg. Pray now, coufin, are you in friend- 
 Ihip with Sir Penurious Trifle ? fc 
 
 Hart. I have the honour, fir, of that gentleman's 
 acquaintance. 
 
 Sir Greg. May be fo, may be fo ! but, lack-a- 
 day, coufin, is he fuch a mifer as folks fay ? Good 
 now, they tell me we fhall hardly have neceflaries 
 for ourfelves and horfes at Gripe-Hall : but, as you 
 are a relation, you fhould, good now, know the af- 
 fairs of the family. Here is Sir Penurious's letter i 
 here, coufin. 
 
 Hart. " Your overture I receive with pleafure, 
 and (hould be glad to meet you in Shropfhire." I 
 fancy, from a thorough knowledge of Sir Penu- 
 rious's difpofition, and by what I can collect 
 fro-m the contents of that letter, he would be much 
 
 better
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 21 
 
 better pleafed to meet you here than at his own 
 
 houfe. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! may be fo ! a ftrange 
 man ! wonderful ! But, good now, coufin, what 
 muft we do ? 
 
 Hart. I will this morning pay Sir Penurious a 
 vifit ; and, if you will honour me with your com- 
 mands, I'll 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! to-day ! good now, that's 
 lucky ! coufin^ you are very kind : good now ! I'll 
 fend a letter, Tim, by coufm Hartop. 
 
 Hart. A letter from fo old an acquaintance, and 
 upon fo happy an occafion, will fecure me a favour- 
 able reception. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good lack, good lack ! an old ac- 
 quaintance indeed, coufm Hartop ! we were at He- 
 
 refordlhire 'fize together let's fee, wonderful ! 
 
 how long ago ? 'twas while I was courting Dame 
 Winny ; the year before I married ; good now, , how 
 long ? let's fee, that year the hackney-ftable was 
 built, and Peter Ugly,' the blind pad, fell into a 
 law-pit. 
 
 T'im. Mother fays, father and Ihe was married, 
 the i ft of April, in the year 10 ; and I knows 'tis 
 there about, for I am two-and-thirty ; and brother 
 Jeremy, and Roger, and Gregory, and Mer Nelly, 
 were born'd before I. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! how time 
 wears away ! wonderful ! thirty- eight years ago, 
 Tim ; I could not have thought it. But come in, 
 let's fet about the letter. But pray, coufm, what 
 diverfions, good now ! are going forward in Lon- 
 don ? 
 
 E 3 Hart,
 
 22 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Hart. Oh, fir, we are in no diftrefs for amufe- 
 ment; we have plays, balls, puppet-fhows, maf- 
 querades, bull -baitings, boxings, burlettas, routs, 
 drums, and a thoufand others. But I am in hafte 
 for your epiftie, Sir Gregory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Coufin, your fervant. 
 
 [Exit Sir Greg, and Tim.] 
 
 Hart. I am your moft obedient. Thus far 
 
 our fcheme fucceeds ; and, if Jenkins's girl can af- 
 fume the aukward pertnefs of the daughter with as 
 much fuccefs as I can imitate the fpirited folly of 
 Sir Penurious, the father, I don't defpair of a happy 
 catiiftrcphe. 
 
 Enter JENNY, 
 
 Sir, Mr. Jenkins 
 
 Hart. Oh, child, your inftructions lhall be ad- 
 min iftered within. 
 
 Jenny. Mr. Jenkins has opened your defign, an4 
 I am ready and able to execute my part. 
 
 Hart. My dear, I have not the lead doubt of 
 either your inclination or ability. But, pox take 
 this old fellow 1 what in the devil's name can bring 
 him back ? Scour, Jenny, 
 
 [Exit Jenny.] 
 
 Enter SIR GREGORY. 
 
 Sir Greg. Coufin, I beg pardon, but I have a fa- 
 vour to beg; good now, could not you make in- 
 tercfl at fome coiFec-houfe in London to buy, for a 
 
 fmall
 
 TH KNIGHTS. 23 
 
 fmall matter, the old books of news-papers, and 
 fend them into the country to me ? They would 
 pafs away the time rarely in a rainy day ! 
 , Hart. Sir, I'll' fend you a cart-load. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! ten thoufand 
 thanks ! you are a coufin indeed ! But pray, coufin, 
 Jet us, good now ! fee fome of the works of that 
 fame Fool. 
 
 Hart. I'll fend them you all ; but a 
 
 Sir Greg. What all ? lack-a-day, that's kind, 
 coufin ? The Terra Incognita, both the Needles, 
 a great deal of that ! But what bilhop is to be 
 pope ? 
 
 Hart. Zounds, fir, I am in hafte for your letter ; 
 when I return afk as many queftions 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! that's true ! 
 I'}1 in, and about it. . But, coufin, the pope is 
 not to have Gibraltar ? 
 
 Hart. No, no ; damn it, no ! as none but the 
 Fool could fay it, fo none but ideots would believe 
 him ! Pray, Sir Gregory, 
 
 Sir Greg. Well, well, coufin ! Lack-a-day, you 
 are fo But, pray 
 
 Hart. Damn your praying ! if you don't finifli 
 your letter immediately you may carry it your- 
 felf! 
 
 Sir Greg. Well, weH, coufin ! Lack-a-day, you; 
 are in fuch a Good now, I go, I go ! 
 
 Hart. But, if the truth fhould be difcovered, I 
 fhall be inevitably difappointed. 
 
 Sir Greg. But, coufin, are Scilly-rocks 
 
 Hart. I wifli they were in your guts with all my 
 Jieart ! I muft quit the field, I find. 
 
 [/.] 
 ' B 4 Sir Grig,
 
 24 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Sir Greg. "\\ onderful ! good now, good now ! a 
 pafiionate man ! Lack-a-day ! I am glad the pope 
 is not to have Gibraltar though ! 
 
 END OF ACT I. 
 
 ACT
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 85 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SIR GREGORY, and TIMOTHY reading a News-fa* 
 per to him. 
 
 'Tim. /^.Onftantinople, N. S. Nov. 15. The 
 \^ Grand Seignour 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! good now, Tim, the po- 
 litics, child j and read the ftars, and the dafhes, and 
 the blanks, as I taught you, Tim. 
 
 Tim. Yes, father. We can affure our readers 
 
 that the D daih is to go to F blank j and that 
 
 a certain noble L-^ is to refign his p e in the 
 
 T y, in order to make r m for the two three- 
 
 ftars. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! 
 great news, Tim ! ah, I knew the two three-ftars 
 would come in play one time or other ! this London 
 Evening knows more than any of them. Well, 
 child, well ! 
 
 Tim. From the D. J. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ay, that's the Dublin Journal. Go on, 
 Tim. 
 
 Tim. Laft Saturday a gang of highwaymen broke 
 into an empty houfe on Ormond-Quay, and ftripped 
 it of all the furniture, 
 
 Sir Greg.
 
 *6 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! wonderful ! to what a 
 height thefe rogues are gr6wn ! 
 
 Tim. The way to Mr. Keith's chapel is, turn of 
 your 
 
 Sir Greg. Pftiaw ! fkip that, Tim ; I know that 
 road as well as the doctor ! 'tis in every time. 
 
 Vim. I. Ward, at the Cat and Gridiron, Petti- 
 coat-lane, makes tabby all over for people inclined 
 to be crooked ; and, if he was to have the univerfal 
 world for making a pair of flays, he could not put 
 better ftuffinthem. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! where's that, Tim ? 
 
 Tim. At the Cat and Gridiron, father. 
 
 Sir Greg. I'll minute that : all my lady Izard's 
 cliildren, good now ! are inclined to be crooked. 
 
 Enter a Waiter. 
 
 Wait. Sir, Mr. Jenkins begs to fpeak with you. 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! defire him to walk in. 
 
 [Exit Waiter.'] 
 
 Enter JENKINS. 
 
 Jenk. I thought it might not t)e improper to pre- 
 pare you for a vifit from Sir Penurious Trifle : I Jaw 
 him and his daughter alight at the apothecary's 
 above. 
 
 Sir Greg. What, they are come ? Wonderful ! 
 
 Very kind, very kind, very kind, indeed ! Mr. 
 
 Come, Tim, fettle my cravat 3 good now ! let's be
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 27 
 
 a little decent : remember your beft bow to your 
 miftrefs, Tim. 
 
 Tim. Yes, father: but muft not I kifs Mifs 
 Suck ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! ay, ay ! pray, is coufin 
 Hartop come along ? 
 
 Jenk. I have not feen him : but I fancy I had 
 better introduce my neighbours. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! would you be fo Jcind ! 
 [Exit Jenkins.] Stand behind me, Tim ! Pull 
 down your ruffles, child ! 
 
 Tim. But, father, won't Mifs Suck think me bold 
 if I kifs her chaps the firft time ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! no, Tim, no ! faint heart 
 never won fair lady ! ha ! Tim, had you but feen 
 me attack Dame Winny ! but times ar'n't as they 
 were ; good now ! we were another kind of folks in 
 thofe days ; ftout hearty fmacks that would have 
 made your mouth water again, and the mark Hood 
 upon the pouting lip like the print upon a pound 
 of butter : but the mafter-mifles of the prefent age 
 go, lack-a-day J as gingerly about it, as if they 
 were afraid to fill their mouths with the paint 
 upon their miftrefs's cheeks. Ah, the days I have 
 Teen! 
 
 Tim. Nay, father, I warrant, if that's all, I kifs 
 her hearty enow, fath and foul ! 
 
 Sir Greg. Hufh ! Tim, hufh ! ftand behind me, 
 child. 
 
 Enter
 
 2 8 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Enter HARTOP as Sir Penurious Trifle, and JENNY 
 as Mifs Sukey, and JENKINS. 
 
 Sir Greg. Sir Penurious, I am overjoyed ! 
 Good now ! 
 
 Hart. Sir Gregory, I kifs your hand ! My 
 daughter Suck. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Mifs, I am proud to 
 Son Tim, Sir Penurious ; beft bow, child ! . 
 Mifs Suck 
 
 Tim. An't that right, father ? [KiJJes &er.~\ 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! I am glad to 
 fee you look fo well ! you keep your own, Sir Pe- 
 nurious. 
 
 Hart. Ay, ay ! flout enough, Sir Gregory, ftout 
 enough, brother knight ! hearty as an oak ! hey, 
 Dick ? Gad, now I talk of an oak, I'll tell you a 
 ftory of an oak ; it will make you die with laugh- 
 ing ; hey, you Dick, you have heard it ; ihall I 
 tell it Sir Gregory ? 
 
 Jenk. Though I have heard it fo often, yet there 
 is fomething fo engaging in your manner of telling 
 a ftory that it always appears new. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! I 
 love a comical ftory. Pray, Sir Penurious, let's 
 have it: mind, Tim, mind, child. 
 
 Tim. Yes, father ; fath and foul, I love a choice 
 ftory to my heart's blood ! 
 
 Hart. You knight, I was at Bathlaft fummerj - 
 a water that people drink when they are ill : you 
 have heard of the Bath, Dick ? Hey, you ?
 
 THE KNIGHTS. i 9 
 
 Yes, fath, I know Bath ; I was there in 
 way up. 
 
 Sir Greg. Hufh, Tim ! good now, hufh ! 
 
 Hart. There's a coffee-houfe, you ; a place 
 where people drink, coffee and tea, and read the 
 news. 
 
 Sir Greg. Pray, Sir Penurious, how many papers 
 may they take in ? 
 
 Hart. Pfhaw ! damn the news ! mind the ftory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! a hafty man, 
 Tim! 
 
 Hart. Pox take you both ! I have loft the ftory ! 
 - where did I leave off, hey, you Dick ? 
 
 Tim. About coffee and tea. 
 
 Hart. Right, you, right ! true, true ! Ib, God, 
 you knight, I ufed to breakfaft at this coffee-houfe 
 every morning ; it coft me eight-pence though, and 
 
 I had always a breakfaft at home no matter for 
 
 that, though there I breakfafted, you Dick, God, 
 at the fame table with Lord Tom Truewit : .. 
 you have heard of Truewit, you knight; a droll 
 dog ! you Dick, he told us the ftory and made us 
 die with laughing : you have heard of Charles the 
 Second, you knight; he was fon of Charles the 
 Firft, king here in England, that was beheaded by- 
 Oliver Cromwell : fo what does Charles the Second, 
 you knight, do ; but he fights Noll at Worcefter ; a 
 town you have heard of, not far off; but all would 
 not do, you ; God, Noll made him fcamper, made 
 him run, take to his heels, you knight ; Truewit 
 told us the ftory, made us die with laughing ; I al- 
 \v.ays breakfafted at the coffee-houfe ; it coft me 
 
 eight-pence, though I had a breakfaft at home 
 
 fowhat does Charles do, but hid himfelf in an oak,_ 
 
 an
 
 E KNIGHTS. 
 
 an oak-tree, you, in a wood called Bofcobel, from 
 two Italian words, bofco bello, a fine wood, you, 
 and off he marches : but old Noll would not let him 
 come home ; no, fays he, you don't come here ! 
 Lord Tom told us the ftory; made us die with 
 laughing ; it coft me eight-pence, though I had a 
 
 breakfaft at home fo, you knight, when Noll 
 
 died, Monk there, you, afterwards Albemarle, in 
 the North, brought him back ; fo, you, the cava- 
 liers ; you have heard of them ? they were friends to 
 the Stuarts ; what did they do, God, you Dick, 
 but they put up Charles in a fign, the royal oak ; 
 you have feen fuch figns at country alehoufes ; fo, 
 God, you, what does a Puritan do the Puritans 
 were friends to Noll but he puts up the fign of an 
 owl in an ivy-bufli, and underneath he writes " This 
 is not the royal oak !" you have feen writings under 
 figns, you knight: upon this, fay the royalifts, 
 God, this muft not be j fo, you, what do they do, 
 but k God, they profecuted the poor Puritan ; but 
 they made him change his fign though ; and, 'you 
 Dick, how d'ye think they changed ? God, he puts 
 up the royal oak, and underneath he writes " This 
 js not the owl in the ivy-buih !" It made us all die 
 with laughing ! Lord Tom told the ftory j I always 
 breakfafted at the coffee-houfe, though it coft me 
 
 eight-pence, and I had a breakfaft at home 
 
 hey, you knight ! what, Dick, hey ! 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! wonderful ! 
 
 Vim. A choice tale, fath ! 
 
 JfdL^ Oh, Sir Penurious is a moft entertaining 
 companion, that muft be allowed. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! ay, ay, a merry man ! 
 but, lack-a-day, would not the young lady choofe
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 31 
 
 a little refrefhment after her ride ? fome tea, or 
 fome 
 
 Hart. Hey, you knight ! no, no! we intend to 
 dine with thee, man. Well, you Tim, what doft 
 think of thy father-in-law that is to be, hey ? a jolly 
 cock, you Tim; hey, Dick! But prithee, boy, 
 what doft do with all this tawdry tinfel on ? that hat 
 and waiftcoat ? trafh, knight, trafh ! more in thy 
 pocket and lefs in thy clothes ; hey, you Dick ! 
 God, you knight, I'll make you laugh : I went to 
 London, you Dick, laft year to call in a mortgage; 
 and what does me I, Dick, but take a trip to a 
 coffee-houfe in St. Martin's Lane; in comes a French 
 fellow forty times as fine as Tim, with his muff and 
 parlevous, and his Frances, and his head, you 
 knight, as white with powder/ God, you, as a 
 twelfth-cake : and who the devil d'ye think, Dick, 
 this might be ? hey, you knight ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! an ambaffador to be fure! 
 
 Hart. God, you knight, nor better nor worler 
 than Mynheer Vancaper, a Dutch figure-dancer at 
 the opera-houfe in the Haymarket. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful I good now, good now ! 
 
 Hart. Pfhaw! pox! prithee, Tim, nobody 
 drefies now ; all plain ; look at me, knight, I am 
 in the tip of the mode; now am I in full drelsj 
 hey, Dick! 
 
 Jenk. You, fir, don't want the aids of drefsj 
 but, in Mr. Gazette, a little regard to that parti- 
 cular is but a neceflary compliment to his miftrefs. 
 
 Hart. Stuff, Dick, fluff ! my daughter, knight, 
 has had other guife breeding; hey, you! Suck, 
 come forward. Plain as a pike-ftarT, knight; all as 
 nature made her -, hey, Tim, no flams ! prithee, 
 
 Tim,
 
 p THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Tim, off with thy lace and burn it j 'twill help to 
 buy the licence ; fhe'll not like thee a bit the better 
 for that ; hey, Suck ! But, you knight, God, 
 Dick, a toaft and tankard would not be amifs after 
 our walk ; hey, you ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! what you will, 
 Sir Penurious. 
 
 Hart. God, that's hearty, you ! but we won't 
 part the young couple, hey ! I'll fend Suck fome 
 bread and cheefe in ; hey, knight ! At her, Tim ! 
 Come, Dick; come, you knight. Did I ever tell 
 you my courtfhip 5 hey, Dick ? 'twill make you 
 laugh. 
 
 Jenk. Not as I remember. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack- ar day ! let's have it. 
 
 Hart. You know riiy wife was blind, you knight? 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! wonderful ! not I. 
 
 Hart. Blind as a beetle when I married her, 
 knight; hey, Dick! (he was drowned in our or- 
 chard : maid Befs, knight, went to market, you 
 Dick ; and wife rambled into the orchard, and 
 foufe, dropped into the fifh-pond : we found her 
 out next day, but fhe was dead as a herring : no 
 help for that, Dick ; buried her though ; hey, you ! 
 fhe was only daughter to Sir Triftram Muckworm, 
 you i rich enough, you, hey ! God, you, what 
 does fhe do, you, but (he falls in love with young 
 Sleek, her father's chaplain ; hey, you ! upon that 
 what does me I, but flips on domine's robes, you ; 
 palTed myfelf upon her for him, and we were tacked 
 together, you knight, hey ! God, though I believe 
 Ihe never liked me ; but what fignifies that ? hey, 
 Dick ! (he was rich, you ! But, come, let's leave 
 the children together. 
 
 Sir Greg.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 33 
 
 Sir Greg. Sir, I wait on you. 
 Hart. Nay, pray 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! 'tis impofli- 
 ble ! 
 
 Hart. Pox of ceremony, you Dick ! hey ! God, 
 knight, I'll tell you a ftory : one of our ambafladors 
 in France, you, a devilifh polite fellow reckoned, 
 Dick i God, you, what does the king of France do, 
 but, fays he, I'll try the manners of this fine gentle- 
 man : fo, knight, going into a coach together, the 
 king would have my lord go firft : oh ! an't pleafe 
 your majefty, I can't indeed; you, hey, Dick! 
 upon which, what does me the king, but he takes 
 his arm thus, you Dick : am I the king of France 
 or you ? is it my coach or yours ? and fo pulhes him 
 in thus. Hey, Dick ! 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! he, he, he ! 
 
 Hart. God, Dick, I believe I have made a mif- 
 take here ; I fhould have gone in firft ; hey, Dick ! 
 knight, God, you, beg pardon. Yes, your coach, 
 not mine ; your houfe, not mine ; hey, knight ! 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful! a merry man, Mr. Jen- 
 kins. 
 
 \Exeunt the two Knights and Jenk, J 
 
 Tim. Father and coufm are gone, fath and foul ! 
 
 Jenny. I fancy my lover is a little puzzled how to 
 begin, \dftde .\ 
 
 'Tim. How f Fath and foul I don't know what 
 
 to fay ! \Afide. "\ How d'ye do, Mifs Suck? 
 
 Jenny. Pretty well, thank you. 
 
 Tim. You have had a choice walV. 'Tis a rare 
 day, fath and foul ! 
 
 Jenny. Yes, the day's well enough. 
 
 Tim. Is your houfe a good way off here ? 
 
 C Jenny.
 
 34 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Jetwy. Dree or four mile. 
 
 Tim. That's a long walk, fath ! 
 
 Jcmry. I make nothing of it, and back again. 
 
 Tim Like enow. \Whijlle s.~\ 
 
 Jenny. ' {Sings.\ 
 
 'Tim. You have a rare pipe of your own, mifs. 
 
 Jenny. I can fing loud enough if I have a mind : 
 but father don't love fmging. 
 
 Tim. Like enow, 
 
 Jenny. And I an't overfond of whittling. 
 
 Tim-. Hey ! ay, like enow : and I am a bitter bad 
 finger. 
 
 Jenny. Hey ! ay, like enough. 
 
 'Tim. Pray, Mifs Suck, did ever any body make 
 love to you before?. 
 
 Jenny. Before when ? 
 
 'Tint. Before now. 
 
 Jenny. What if I won't tell you ? 
 
 Tim. Why then you muft let it alone, fath and 
 foul! 
 
 Jenny. Like enough ! 
 
 Tim. Pray, Mifs Suck, did your father tell you 
 any thing ? 
 
 Jenny. About what? 
 
 Tim. About I. 
 
 Jenny. What fhould 'a tell ? 
 
 Tim. Tell ! why, as how I and father was come a 
 wooing. 
 
 Jenny. Who? 
 
 Tim. Why you ! Could you like me for a fweet- 
 heart, Mifs Suck ? 
 
 Jenny. I don't know. 
 
 Tim. Mavhap fomebody may ha* got your good- 
 will already ? 
 
 Jenny.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 3$ 
 
 Jenny. And what then ? 
 
 Tim. Then! hey!' I don't know : but, if you 
 could fancy me - 
 
 Jenny. For what ? 
 
 Tim. For your true .lover. 
 
 Jenny. Well, what then ? 
 
 Tim. Then ! hey ! why, fath, we may .chandfe to 
 be married if the old folks agree together. 
 
 Jenny. And fuppofe I won't be married to you ? 
 
 Tim. Nay, Mifs Suck, I can't help it, fath and 
 foul ! But father and mother bid me come a court- 
 ing; and, if you won't ha* me, I'll tell father fo. 
 
 Jeuny. You are in a woundy hurry, methinks. 
 
 Tim. Not I, fath ! you may ftay as long as 
 
 Enter a Walter. 
 
 Walt. There is a woman without wants to (peak 
 with Mr. Timothy Gazette. 
 
 Tim. That's I. I am glad on't ! \_Afide.~\ Well, 
 Mils Suck, your fervant. You'll think about it, 
 and let's know your mind when I come back ! 
 God, I don't care whether fhe likes me or no ; I 
 don't like her half fo well as Mally Pengroufe ! 
 \_Afide.~\ Well, your fervant, Mifs Suck ! 
 
 [Exit.] 
 
 Jenny. Was there ever fuch an unlicked cub ? 
 I don't think his fortune a fufficient reward for fa- 
 crificing my perfon to fuch a booby : but, as he has 
 money enough, it fhall go hard but I pleafe myfelf ! 
 I fear I was a little too backward with my gentle- 
 man j but, however, a favourable anfwor to his laft 
 queftion will foon fettle matters. 
 
 C 2 Enter
 
 THE KNIGHTS, 
 
 Enter JENKINS. 
 
 Jenk. Now, Jenny! what news child ? are things 
 fixed ? are you ready for the nuptial knot ? 
 
 Jtuny. We are in a fair way : I thought to have 
 quickened my fwain's advances by a little affected 
 covnefsj but the trap would not take : I expect him 
 back in a minute, and then leave it to my manage- 
 ment. 
 
 Jenk. Where is he gone ? 
 
 Jenny. The waiter called him to fome woman. 
 
 Jenk. Woman ! he neither knows or is known by 
 any body here. What can this mean ? ,no counter- 
 plot \ but, pox, that's impoflible I you have not 
 blabbed, Jenny ? 
 
 Jenny. My intereft would prevent me. 
 
 Jenk. Upon that fecurity any woman may, I think, 
 be trufted. I muft after him though. 
 
 [*//.] 
 
 Jenny. I knew the time when Mr. Jenkins would 
 not have left me fo haftily : 'tis odd, that the fame 
 cau e that increafes the pafiion in one fex fhould de- 
 ftroy it in the other,; the reafon is above my reach, 
 but the faci I am a fevere witnefs of: heigh-ho ! 
 
 Enter HARTOP (Jlill as Sir Penurious Trifle) and 
 SIR GREGORY GAZETTE. 
 
 Hart. And fo, you knight, fays he ; you know, 
 knight, what low dogs the minifters were then ; how 
 dues your pot ; a pot, you, that they put over the 
 
 fire
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 37 
 
 fire to boil broth and meat in ; you have feen a pot, 
 you knight ? how does your pot ^oil thefe trouble- 
 fome times ? hey, you ! God, my lord, fays he, I 
 don't know, I feldom go into my kitchen ; a kitch- 
 en, you knight, is a place where they drefsvi duals! 
 rpaPi. and boil, and fo forth , God, fays he, I feldom 
 go into the kitchen ; but, T fuppofe, the fcmrMs 
 uppermofl ftill ; hey, you knight ! What, God, 
 hey ! but where's your fon, Sir Gregory ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! where's Tim, 
 Mifs Sukey ? lack-a day ! what's become of Tim ? 
 
 Jenny. Gone out a tiny bit ; he'll be here pre- 
 fently. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful \ .good npw, good now ! 
 
 well, and how, Mifs Sukey, lias Tim Has 
 
 h e Well, and what, you have Won- 
 
 .derful ! 
 
 Enter a Servant with a. Letter. 
 
 Serv. Sir, I was commanded to deliver this into 
 your own hands by Mr. Jenkins. 
 
 Hart. Hey, you! what, a. letter? God fo ! any 
 anfwer, you ? hey ! 
 
 Serv. None, fir. 
 
 {Exit.-} 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day, Sir Penurious is bufy ! 
 Well, mils, and did Tim do the thing ? did he 
 pleafe you ? come now, tell us the whole ftory ! 
 wonderful ! rare news for Dame Winny ! ha ! 
 Tim's father's own fon ! but come, whifper ! ay ! 
 
 Hart. [Reads. "\ " I have only time to tell you 
 
 that yourfcheme is blafted : this inftant I encounter- 
 
 C 3 cd
 
 38 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 ed Mrs. Penelope Trifle with her niece ; they will 
 
 foon be with you." So then all's over ! but 
 
 let's fee what expedition will do ! Well, you 
 
 knight, hey ! what, have they fettled ? Is the girl 
 willing ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! right as my 
 
 leg ! ah ! Tim, little did I think But, lack-a- 
 
 day ! I wonder where the boy is ! let's feek him. 
 
 Hart. Agreed, you knight 1 hey ! come. 
 
 Enter JENKINS. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day! here's Mr. Jenkins. Good 
 now-! have you feen Tim ? 
 
 Jenk. Your curiofity fhall be immediately fatif- 
 fied j but I muft firft have a word with Sir Penu- 
 rious. 
 
 Hart. Well, you ! what, hey ! any news, Dick ? 
 
 Jenk. Better than you could hope ! your rival is 
 difpofed of! 
 
 Hart. Difpofedof! how? 
 
 Jenk. Married by this time, you rogue ! the wo- 
 man that wanted him was no other than Mally Pen- 
 groufe, flie trudged it up all the way after him, as 
 Tim fays : I have recommended them to my chap- 
 lain, and before this the bufmefs is done. 
 
 Hart. Bravifiimo ! you rogue ! but how lhall I 
 get off with the knight ? 
 
 Jenk. Nay, that muft be your contrivance. 
 
 Hart. I have it ! Suppofe I was to own the whole 
 defign to Sir Gregory as our plan has not fucceeded 
 with his fon, and, as he feems to have a tolerable 
 
 regard
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 39 
 
 regard for me, it is poffible he may affift my fcheme 
 on Sir Penurious. 
 
 Jenk. 'Tis worth trying however : but he 
 
 comes. 
 
 Sir Greg. Well, good, now ! Mr. Jenkins, have 
 you feen Tim ? I can't think where the boy 
 
 Hart. 'Tis now time, Sir Gregory, to fet you 
 clear with refpet to fome particulars j I am now no 
 longer Sir Penurious Trifle, but your friend and re- 
 lation, Jack Hartop. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! 
 
 coufin Hartop as I am a living man ! Hey ! 
 
 well bu^ good now ! how, Mr. Jenkins, hey ? 
 
 Jenk. The ftory, Sir Gregory, is rather too long 
 to tell you now; but in two words, my friend Har- 
 top has very long had a paflion for Mifs Trifle, and was 
 apprehenfive your ion's application would deftroy 
 his views, which, in order to defeat, he afTumed the 
 character of Sir Penurious ; but he is fo captivated 
 with your integrity and friendfhip, that he rather 
 choofes to forego his own intereft than interrupt the 
 happinefs of your fon. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! 
 that's kind ! who could have thought it, coufm 
 Hartop ? lack-a-day ! well, but where's Tim ? hey ! 
 good now ! and who are you ? 
 
 Jenk. This, fir, is Jenny, the handmaid of the 
 houle. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! a peftilent hufley ! Ah, 
 Hartop, you are a wag ! a pize of your pots and 
 your royal 'oaks ! lack-a-day ! who could have 
 
 thought ah ! Jenny, you're a [Exif Jenny.] 
 
 But where's Tim ? 
 
 C 4. Enter
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Enter ROBIN. 
 
 Robin. Wounds, matter ! never ftir alive if m after 
 Tim has na gone and married Mally Pengroufe ! 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! how, firrah, how ? good 
 now, good now ! coufm Hartop. Mally Pen- 
 groufe ! who the dickens is (he ? 
 
 Robin. Matter Timothy's fweetheart in Corn- 
 wall. 
 
 Sir Greg. And how came (he here ? Lack- a- day, 
 coufm ! 
 
 Robin. She trampped it up after matter : matter 
 Timothy is without, and fays as how they be mar- 
 ried : I wanted him to come in, but he's afraid 
 you'll knock'n down. 
 
 Sir Greg. Knock'n down ! Good now ! let me 
 
 come at him ! I'll Ah, rogue ! lack-a-day ! 
 
 coufm, {hew me where he is ! I'll 
 
 Hart. Moderate your fury, good Sir Gregory ; 
 confider, it is an evil without a remedy. 
 
 Sir Greg. But what will Dame Winny fay ? Good 
 
 now ! fuch a difparagement to and then what 
 
 will Sir Penurious fay ? lack-a-day ! I am almoft 
 diftra&ed ! and you, you lubberly dog ! why did 
 not you [Exit Robin.] I'll ah ! cou- 
 fm Hartop, coufm Hartop! good now, good 
 now ! 
 
 Hart. Dear fir, be calm; this is no ; fuch furpri- 
 fmg matter ; we have fuch inftances in the news- 
 papers every day. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! no, couftn, no. 
 
 Hart.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 41 
 
 Hart. Indeed, Sir Gregory, it was but laft week 
 that Lord Lofty 's Ton married his mother's maid, 
 and Lady Betty Forward run away not a month ago 
 with her uncle's butler. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! what in the news ? Good 
 now ! that's fbme comfort however; but what will 
 Sir Penurious 
 
 Hart. As to that, leave him to me, I have a pro- 
 ject to prevent his laughing at you I'll warrant. 
 
 Sir Greg. But how, how, coufin Hartop, how ? 
 
 Hart. Sir Gregory, do you think me your friend ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack- a -day! ay, coufin, ay! 
 
 Hart. >\ nd would you in return ferve me in a cir- 
 cumftance that can't injure yourfelf ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! to be fure, coufin. 
 
 Hart. Will you then permit me to aflume the fi- 
 gure of your fon, and fo pay my addrefies to Mifs 
 1 rifle ? I was pretty happy in the imitation of her 
 father, and, if I could impofe upon your fagacity, 
 I fhall find lefs difficulty with your brother knight. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! Tim ! ah, you could not 
 touch Tim ! 
 
 Hart. I warrant you ! But fee, the young gen- 
 tleman; 
 
 Enter TIMOTHY. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ah, Tim, Tim ! little did I 
 
 Good now, good now ! 
 
 fim. I could not help it now, fath and foul ! but, 
 if you'll forgive me this time, I'll never do fo no 
 more. 
 
 Sir Greg. Well, well, if thee canft forgive thyfelf, 
 I can forgive thee 3 but thank thy coufin Hartop. 
 
 Hart.
 
 42 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Hart. Oh ! fir, if you are fatisfied, I am reward- 
 ed. I wifh you joy ! joy to you, child ! 
 Sir Greg. Thanks, coufin Hartop. 
 
 Enter a Walter. 
 
 Wait. Sir, Mrs. Penelope Trifle, 'with her niece, 
 being come to town, and hearing your worfhip was 
 in the houfe, would be glad to pay you their com- 
 pliments. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! wonderful ! here we are 
 all topfy-turvey again ! what can be done now, 
 coufin Hartop ? 
 
 Hart. Dick, fhew the ladies in 'here but delay 
 them a little. [Exit Waiter.] The luckieft inci- 
 dent in the world, Sir Gregory ! If you will be 
 kind enough to lend Jenkins your drefs, and mafter 
 Timothy will favour me with his, I'll make up 
 matters in a moment. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ay, ay, coufin ! 
 
 Tim. Path and foul ! you fhall have mine direc 
 
 Hart. No, no ! Step into the next room a mi- 
 nute, Sir Gregory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ay, ay ! where you will. 
 
 Tim. Fath, here will be choice fport ! 
 
 [Exeunt.] 
 
 Enter Miss PENELOPE TRIFLE, Miss SUKEY 
 TRIFLE, and a Waiter. 
 
 Wait. The gentlemen will wait on you prefently. 
 Would you choofe any refrefhmcnt ? 
 
 Mifs Suk.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 43 
 
 Mifs Suk. A draught of ale, friend, for I'm main 
 dry. [Exit Waiter^ 
 
 Mifs Pen. Fie, fie ! niece ! Is that liquor for a 
 young lady ? Don't difparage your family and 
 breeding ! The perfon is to be born that ever faw 
 me touch any thing ftronger than water till I was 
 three- and- twenty ! 
 
 Mifs Suk. Troth ! aunt, that's fo long ago that 
 I think there's few people alive who can remember 
 what you did then ! 
 
 Mifs Pen. How, gillflirt ! none of your fleers ! 
 I am glad here's a huflband coming that will take 
 you down in your tantrums ! you are grown too 
 head-ftrong and robuft for me. 
 
 Mifs Suk. Gad, I believe you would like to be 
 taken down the fame way ! 
 
 Mifs Pen. Oh ! you are pert ! But, fee, your 
 
 lover approaches. Now, Sukey, be careful, child : 
 ~none of your 
 
 Qnter JENKINS as Sir Gregory Gazette, and HARTOP 
 as Timothy. 
 
 Jenk. Lack-a-day ! lady, I rejoice to fee you ! 
 wonderful ! and your niece. Tim, the ladies. 
 
 Hart. Your fervant, miftrefs j I am glad to fee 
 you, Mifs Suck. \Salutes her.'] Fath and foul, 
 Miftrefs Suck's a fine young woman, more or lefs ! 
 
 Mifs Suk. Yes, I am well enough, I believe. 
 
 Jenk. But, lady, where's my brother Trifle ? 
 where is Sir Penurious ? 
 
 Mifs Suk. Father's at home in expectation of you, 
 and aunt and I be come to town to make prepa- 
 rations. 
 
 Jenk.
 
 4 4 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Jenk. Ay 1 wonderful ! pray, lady, fhall I, good 
 now ! crave a word in private ? Tim, will you and 
 your fweetheart draw back a little ? 
 
 Hart. Yes, father : come, mifs, will you jog a 
 tiny bit this way ? 
 
 Mifs Suk. With all my heart ! 
 
 Jenk. There is, lady a wonderful affair has hap- 
 pened ; good now ! fon Tim has fallen in love with 
 a young woman at his uncle's, and 'tis partly to pre- 
 vent bad confequences that I am, lack-a-day \ fo 
 hafty to match him ; and one of my men, good now ! 
 tells me that he has feen the wench fince we have 
 been in town j fhe has followed us here, fure as a 
 gun, lady ! If Tim fees the girl he'll never marry 
 your niece. 
 
 Mifs Pen. It is indeed, Sir Gregory Gazette^ % 
 moft critical conjuncture, and requires the moft mar 
 ture deliberation. 
 
 Jenk. Deliberation! Lack-a-day! lady, whilft 
 we deliberate the boy will be loft. 
 
 Mifs Pen. Why, Sir Gregory Gazette, what o- 
 perations can we determine upon ? 
 
 Jenk. Lack-a-day ! I know but one. 
 
 Mifs Pen. Adminifter your propofitions, Sir Gre- 
 gory Gazette j you will have my concurrence, fir, 
 in any thing that does not derogate from the regu- 
 lations of conduct j for it would be moft prepofte- 
 rous in one of my character to deviate from the 
 ftricteft attention. 
 
 Jenk. Lack-a-day ! lady, no/uch matter is want- 
 ed. But, good now ! could not we tack the young 
 couple together directly ? your brother and I have 
 already agreed. 
 
 Mifs Pen.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 45 
 
 Mifs Pen. Are the previous preliminaries fettled, 
 Sir Gregory Gazette ? 
 
 Jenk. Good now ! as firm as a rock, lady. 
 
 Mifs Pen. Why then, to preferve your Ton, and 
 accomplifh the union between our families, I have 
 no objections to the acceleration of their nuptials, 
 provided the child is inclined and a minifter maybe 
 procured. 
 
 Jenk. Wonderful ! you are very good : good 
 now ! there has been one match already in the houfe 
 to-day: we may have the fame parfon. Here, Tim; 
 and young gentlewoman ! Well, mifs, wonderful ! 
 and how has Tim Hey, boy, is not mifs a fine 
 young lady ? 
 
 Hart. Path and foul ! father, mifs is a charming 
 young woman ! all red and white like Mally ~ 
 Hum! 
 
 Jenk. Hufh, Tim ! Well, and, mifs, how does 
 my boy ? he's an honeft hearty lad ! has he, good 
 
 now ! had the art How d'ye like him, young 
 
 gentlewoman ? 
 
 Mifs Suk.. Like'n ? Well enough, I think. 
 
 Jenk. Why then, mifs, with your leave, your 
 aunt and I here have agreed, if you are willing, to 
 have the wedding over directly. 
 
 Mifs Suk. Gad ! with all my heart. Afk the 
 young man. 
 
 Hart. Fath and foul ! juft as you pleafe, to-day, 
 to-morrow, or when you will, more or lefs ! 
 
 Jenk. Good now, good now ! then get you in 
 there you will- find one to do your bufmefs. \Exeunt 
 Hart, and Mifs Suk.] Wonderful ! matters will 
 foon be managed within. Well, lady, this was, 
 good now ! fo kind ! lack-a-day ! I verily believe 
 
 if
 
 46 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 if Dame Winny was dead that I fhould be glad to 
 lead up fuch another dance with you, lady. 
 
 Mifs Pen. You are, fir, fomething too precipi- 
 tate : nor would there, did circumftances concur as 
 you infinuate, be fo abfolute a certitude, that I, who 
 have rejected fo many matches, fhould inftantane- 
 oufly fuccumb. 
 
 Jenk. Lack-a-day ! lady : good now ! I - 
 
 Mifs Pen. No, fir : I would have you inftrudted, 
 that, had not Penelope Trifle made irrefragable re- 
 folutions, fhe need not fo long have preferved her 
 family furname. 
 
 Jenk. Wonderful ! why, I was only 
 
 Mifs Pen. Nor has the title of Lady Gazette fuch 
 refplendent charms or fuch bewitching allurements as 
 to throw me at once into the arms of Sir Gregory. 
 
 Jenk. Good now ! who fays 
 
 Mifs Pen. Could wealth, beauty, or titles, fupe- 
 rior to perhaps 
 
 Enter SIR GREGORY and TIMOTHY. 
 
 Tim. Yes indeed, father, Mr. Hartop knew on't 
 as well as I; and Mr. Jenkins got us aparfon. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! a rare couple 
 of friends! but I'll be even with them! I'll marr 
 their market! Mafter Jenkins, you have fobbed 
 me finely ! 
 
 Jenk. Lack-a-day ! what's the matter now ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Come, come, none of your lack-a-d.iys ! 
 none of your gambols nor your tricks to me ! good 
 now, good now ! give me my clothes ! here, take 
 your tawdry trappings ! I have found you out at 
 laft ! TH be no longer your property ! 
 
 Jenk.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 47 
 
 Jenk. Wonderful ! what's all this, lady ? . Good 
 now, good now ! what's here, a ftage-play ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Play me no plays ! but give me my 
 wig! and your precious friend, my loving coufm! 
 (pize on the kindred !) let'n 
 
 Jenk. Good now, good now ! what are thefe 
 folks ? as fure as a gun they're mad ! 
 
 Sir Greg. Mad ! no, no ! we are neither mad nor 
 fools : no thanks to you though ! 
 
 Mifs Pen. What is all this ? can you unravel this 
 perplexity, untwine this myftery, Sir Gregory Ga- 
 
 zette 
 
 Sir Greg. He Sir Gregory Gazette 1 Lack-a- 
 day! lady, you are tricked, impofed on, bam- 
 boozled ! good now, good now ! 'tis I am Sir Gre- 
 gory Gazette ! 
 
 Mifs Pen. How ? 
 
 3lfw. Fath and foul ! 'tis true, miftrefs ; and I am 
 his fon Tim, and will fwear it. 
 
 Mifs Pen. Why, is not Mr. Timothy Gazette 
 with my niece Sufannah Trifle ? 
 
 ^im. Who, me ? Lord ! no, 'tis none of I, it is 
 coufin Hartop in my clothes. 
 
 Mifs Pen. What's this ? and pray who 
 
 Enter HARTOP and Miss SUKEY TRIFLE. 
 
 "Jenk. Why, as I fee the affair is concluded, you 
 may, madam, call me Jenkins : come, Hartop, 
 you may now throw off your difguife j the knight 
 had like to have embarrafled us. 
 
 Mifs Pen. How, Mr. Jenkins ! and would you 
 fir, participate of a plot too ? 
 
 Hart.
 
 48 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Hart. Madam, in the iflue your family will, I 
 hope, have no great reafon to repent; I always had 
 the greateft veneration for Mils Penelope Trifle's 
 underftanding, the higheft efteem for her virtues ! 
 and fhould think myfelf highly honoured in being 
 regarded as her relation. 
 
 Mifs Pen. Sir, I Ihall determine on nothing till 
 I am apprifed of my brother's refolution. 
 
 Hart. For that we muft wait. Sir Gregory, I 
 
 muft intreat your and your fon's pardon for fome 
 
 little liberties I have taken with you both. Mr. 
 
 Jenkins, I have the higheft obligation to your 
 
 friendfliip. And, mifs, when we become a little 
 
 better acquainted, I flatter myfelf the change will 
 not prove unpleafing. 
 
 Mifs Suk. I know nothing at all about it. 
 
 Hart. Sir Gregory, we Ihall have your company 
 at dinner ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! no, no: that boy has 
 fpoiled my ftomach ! Come, Tim, fetch thy rib, 
 and lef us be jogging towards Wales: but how 
 thouwilt get off with thy mother 
 
 27;. Never fear, father ! 
 
 Since you have been pleas'd our nuptial knot to 
 
 blefs, 
 We fhall be happy all our lives more or lefs ! 
 
 [Exeunt omnes.~\ 
 
 FINIS,
 
 THE 
 
 MAYOR OF GARRATT; 
 
 A 
 
 CO M E D Y 
 
 IN TWO ACTS: 
 
 AS rtiioRMEn AT THE 
 
 THEATRES ROYAL. 
 
 WRITTEN IV THE UAT 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, Eft. 
 
 A NEW EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 FRIHTED ro* \V. LOW^'DES, No. 76, FLIIT.ST&SIT. 
 '797' 
 
 jPrice One Shilling*
 
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 111 
 
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 3f H g5 
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 B-44!$J 
 
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 V* U
 
 THE 
 
 MAYOR OF GARRATT. 
 
 A C T L 
 
 SCENE Sir JACOB'S Houfe at Garrat. 
 
 Enter Sir JACOB. 
 
 Sir Jacob* 
 
 R 
 
 OGER 
 
 Enter ROGER. 
 
 Rog. An an, Sir 
 
 Sir Jac. Sir, firrah ! and why not Sir 
 Jacob, you rafcal ? Is that all your man- 
 ners ? Has his Majefty dubb'd me a Knight 
 for you to make me a Mifter ? Are the 
 candidates near upon coming ? 
 
 Reg. Nic Goofe, the taylor, from Put- 
 ney, they fay, will be here in a crack, Sir 
 Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. Has Margery fetch'd in the 
 linen? 
 
 Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. Are the pigs and the poultry 
 lock'd up in the barn ? 
 
 Rog. Safe, Sir Ja&b. 
 
 Sir Jac. And the plate and fpoons in the 
 pantry ? 
 
 A 2 Rog.
 
 THE MAYOR 
 
 Yes, Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. Then give me the key ; the 
 mob will foon be upon us ; and all is fifh 
 that comes to their net. Has Ralph laid 
 the cloth in the hall ? 
 
 Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. Then let him bring out the 
 turkey and chine, and be fure there is plen- 
 ty of muilard ; and, d'ye hear, Roger, do 
 you ftand yourfelf at the gate, and be care- 
 ful who you let in. 
 
 Rog. I will, Sir Jacob. [Exit Rog. 
 
 Sir Jac. So, now I believe things are 
 pretty fecure: But I can't think what makes 
 my daughters fo late ere they 
 
 [Knocking at the gat-:. 
 Who is that, Roger f 
 
 Roger without. Mailer Lint, the potter- 
 carrier, Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. Let him in. What the deuce 
 
 can he want ? 
 
 i 
 Enter Lint. 
 
 Sir Jac. Well, matter Lint, your will ? 
 
 Lint. Why, 1 come, Sir Jacob, partly to 
 enquire after your health ; and partly, as 1 
 may fay, to fettle the bufinefs of the day. 
 
 Sir Jac. What bufinefs ? 
 
 Lint. Your worfhi^. knoweth, this being 
 the day of election, the rabble may be riot- 
 ous ; in which cafe, maims, bruiies, contu- 
 
 fipns,
 
 Or GARRATT. 5 
 
 /ions, dislocations, fracluresfimple and com- 
 pound, may likely enfue: now your wor- 
 ihip need not he told, that I arn not only a 
 pharmacopoliR, or vender of drugs, but 
 likewife chirurgeon, or healer of wounds. 
 
 Sir Jac. True, matter Lint, and equally 
 fkillful in both. 
 
 Lint. It is your worfhip's pleafure to fay 
 fo, ^ir Jacob : Is it your worship's will that 
 I lend a miniftring hand to the maim'd ? 
 
 Sir Jac. By all means. 
 
 Lint. And to whom muft I bring in my 
 bill? 
 
 Sir Jac. Doubtiefs, the veftry. 
 
 Lint. Your worship knows, that, kill or 
 cure, I have contracted to phyfic the parifli 
 poor by the great : but this muft be a fe- 
 parate charge. 
 
 Sir Jac. No, no; all under one: come, 
 matter Lint, don't be unreafonahle. 
 
 Lint. Indeed, Sir Jacob, I can hardly af- 
 ford it. What with the dearnefs of drugs, 
 and the number of patients the peace has pro- 
 cured me, I can't get fait to my porridge. 
 
 Sir Jac. Bad this year, the better the 
 next We muft take things rough and 
 fmooth as they run. 
 
 Lint. Indeed I have a very hard bargain. 
 
 Sir "Jac. No fuch matter ; we are, neigh- 
 bour Lint, a little better inftrucled. For- 
 merly, indeed, a fit of illnefs was very ex- 
 A 3 penfive*
 
 5 THE MAYOR 
 
 penfive ; but now, phyfic is cheaper thaa 
 food. 
 
 Lint. Marry, heaven forbid ! 
 
 Sir Jac. No, no; your eflences, elixirs, 
 emetics, fweats, drops, and your paftes, and 
 your pills, have filenced your peftles and 
 mortars. Why a fever, that would former- 
 ly have coft you a fortune, you may now 
 cure for twelve penn'orth of powder. 
 
 Lint. Or kill, Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. And then as to your fcurvies, 
 and gouts, rheumatifms, confumptions, 
 coughs, and catarrhs, tar-water and tur- 
 pentine will make you as found as a roach. 
 
 Lint, Noftrums! 
 
 Sir Jac. Specifics, fpecifics, mafterLint. 
 
 Lint. I am very forry to find a man of 
 
 your worfhip's Sir Jacob, a promoter 
 
 of puffs ; and encourager of quacks, Sir 
 Jacob. 
 
 Sir yac. Regulars, Lint, regulars; look 
 at their names Roger, bring me the news 
 . not a foul of them but is either P. L. or 
 
 M.D. 
 
 Lint. Piaguy liars ! Murderous dogs ! 
 
 Roger brings the News. 
 
 Sir Jac. Liars ! Here, look at the lift 
 of their cures. The oath of Margery 
 Squab, of Ratcliff-Highway, fpinfter. 
 Perjuries,
 
 OF GARRATT. 7 
 
 Sir Jac. And fee here, the churchwar- 
 dens have figned it. 
 
 Lint. Fi&itious, Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. Sworn before the worfhipful 
 Mr. Juftice Drowfy, this thirteenth day 
 of- 
 
 Lint. Forgery. 
 
 Sir Jac. Why, harkye, firrah, do you 
 think Mr. Juftice Drowfy would fet his 
 hand to a forgery ? 
 
 Lint. I know, Sir Jacob, that woman; 
 (he has been cured of fifty difeafes in a 
 fortnight, and every one of 'em mortal. 
 
 Sir Jac. You impudent 
 
 Lint. Of a dropfy, by Weft 
 
 Sir Jac. Audacious- 
 
 Lint. A cancer, by del and- 
 
 Sir Jac. Arrogant 
 
 Lint. A palfy, by Walker 
 
 Sir Jac. Impertinent 
 
 Lint. Gout and fciatic, by Rock. 
 
 Sir Jac. Jnfolent : 
 
 Lint. Confumption, by Stevens s drops. 
 
 Sir Jac. Paltry 
 
 Lint. And fquinting, by the Chevalier 
 Taylor 
 
 Sir Jac. Pill- gilding puppy ! 
 
 Lint. And as to the Juftice, fo the affi- 
 davit brings him a fhilhng 
 
 Sir Jac. Why, harkye, rafcal, how dare 
 
 you abufe the commiffion ? You blood- 
 
 A 4 letting,
 
 g THE MAYOR 
 
 ting, tooth-drawing, corn-cutting, worm- 
 killing, bliftering, gliik-n-g 
 
 Lint. Blefs me, Sir J.cob, I did not 
 think to 
 
 Sir Jac. What firrah, do you infult me 
 in my office ? Here, Roger, out wuh him 
 turn him out. 
 . Lint. Sir, as I hope to be 
 
 Sir Jnc. Away with him. You fcoun- 
 drel, if my clerk was within, I'd fend you 
 this inft.:nt to Bridewell. Things are come 
 to a pretty pafs, indeed, if after all my read- 
 ing.in Wood, and Nelfon, and Burn ; if af- 
 ter twenty \ears attencance at turnpike- 
 meetings, kflions pea/ and qi artci ; if af- 
 ter fettling of rates, licencing aie-houfes, 
 and comnuttirjg of vagiv nts bu t a 1 1 refpeft 
 to authority is ioa.ana Unus Qiiorun; now- 
 a-days is no more re^aroed the n a petty 
 conftable. [Knoik&gQ Roger, fee who 
 is at the gate ? Why the fe'iow is deaf. 
 
 Rog. Juliice bturgvon, the filh monger, 
 from Brentford. 
 
 & f , J:c. G.d's my life ! aid Major to 
 the Middielcx militia. Uflier him in, 
 Roger. 
 
 _ ! 
 
 Enter Major Sturgeon. 
 
 Sir Jac. I could have wim'd you had 
 come a little footer, Major Sturgeon. 
 
 Major*
 
 OF GARRATT. 9 
 
 Major. "W'-.y, what has been the mat- 
 ter, oir Jacob r 1 
 
 Sir Jac. 1 here has, M?ij T, been here 
 an impudent pill-monger, -wh<; has d^r'd to 
 found .Hze the whole DO ;v of tbe bench. 
 
 Major. Infojent companion ! had I been 
 here, 1 would have mitarnus'dihe rafcal at 
 once. 
 
 Sir Jac. No, no, he ".-anted the Major 
 more than the Magiftrite ; a few frrurt 
 ftrokes from your cane would hive fully 
 anfwcr'd the purpoic Well, Major, our 
 wars are dr.-ne $ the rattling drum, and 
 fqueakingnfe, now wou nd our ears no more. 
 
 Major. True, Sir Jacob, our corps is 
 difembodied, fo the French may ileep in 
 fecurity. 
 
 Sir Jac. But, Major, was it not rather 
 late in life for you to enter upon the pro- 
 feflion of arms? 
 
 Major. A little aukward in the begin- 
 ning, Sir Jacob : the great difficulty they 
 had was, To get me to turn out my toes ; 
 but ufe, uie reconciles all them kind of 
 things : why, after my firit campaign, I 
 no more minded the noife of the guns than 
 a fle,!-bite. 
 
 Sir Jac. No! 
 
 Major. No. There is more made of 
 thefe matters than they merit. For the ge- 
 neral good, indeed, I am glad of the peace ; 
 
 but
 
 JO THE MAYOR 
 
 but as to my fmgle felf And yet, wehava 
 had fome defperate duty, Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. No doubt. 
 
 Major. Oh ! fuch marchings and coun- 
 ter- marchingSjfrom Brentford toElin,frora 
 Elin to Acton, from Aclon to Uxbridge ; 
 the duft flying, fun fcorching, men fweat- 
 ing Why, there was oar laft expedition 
 to Hounflow, that day's work carried off 
 Major Moloffas. Bunhill-fields never faw 
 a braver commander ! He was an irrepa- 
 rable Jofs to the fervice. 
 
 Sir Jac. How came that about? 
 
 Major. Why, it was partly the Major's 
 own fault; J advifed him to pull on his 
 fpurs before he went upon a&ion ; but he 
 was refolute, and would not be rul'd. 
 
 Sir Jac. Spirit ; zeal for the fervice. 
 
 Major. Doubtlefs But to proceed : In 
 order to get our men in good fpirits, we 
 were quartered at Thiftleworth the even- 
 ing before; at day-break, our regiment 
 formed at Hounllow town's end, as it 
 might be about here. The Major made a 
 fine difpofition : on we march'd, the men 
 all in high fpirits, to attack the gibbet 
 where Gardel is hanging j but turning 
 down a narrow lane to the left, as it 
 might be about there, in order to poffefs a 
 pig's ftye, that we might take the gallows 
 in flank, and, at all events, fecure a re- 
 treat, who (hould come by but a drove of 
 
 fat
 
 OF GARRATT. Jl 
 
 at oxen for Smithfield. The drums beat in 
 the front, the dogs bark'd in the rear, the 
 oxen fet up a gallop -, on they came thun- 
 dering upon us, broke through our ranks in 
 an inftant, and threw the whole corps in 
 confufion. 
 
 Sirjac. Terrible! , 
 
 Major. The Major's horfe took to his 
 heels ; away hefcour d over the heath. That 
 gallant commander fluck both hisfpurs into 
 the flank, and for fome time held by his 
 mane j but in croffing a ditch, the horfe 
 threw up his head, gave the Major a dowfe 
 in the chops, and plump'd him into a gra- 
 vel-pit, juft by the powder-mills. 
 
 Sirjac. Dreadful! 
 
 Major. Whether from the fall or the 
 fright, the Major mov'd off in a month 
 Indeed it was an unfortunate day for us all. 
 
 Sir Jac. As how ? 
 
 Major. Why, as Captain Cucumber, 
 Lieutenant Patty-Pan, Enfign Tripe, and 
 myfelf, were returning to town in the Turn- 
 ham-Green ftage, we were ftopp'd near the 
 Hammerfmith turnpike, and robb'd and 
 flripp'd by a foot-pad. 
 
 Sir Jac, An unfortunate day, indeed ! 
 
 Major. But in fome meafureto make me 
 amends, I got the Major's commiffion. 
 
 &ir Jac. You did. 
 
 Major.
 
 !2 THE MAYOR 
 
 Major. O yes. I was the only one of 
 the corps that could ride ; otherwise, we al- 
 ways fucceeded of courfe: no jumping over 
 heads, no underhand -work among us ; all 
 men of honour; and I muft do the regiment 
 the juftice to fay, there never was a let of 
 more amiable officers. 
 
 Sir Jac. Quiet and peaceable. 
 
 Major. As lambs, Sir Jacob. Excepting 
 one boxing-bout at the Three Compares in 
 Aclon, between Captain Sheers andthe Co- 
 lonel, concerning a game at All-fours, I 
 don't remember a fingle difpute. 
 
 Sir Jac. Why, that was mere mutiny; 
 the Captain ought to have been broke. 
 
 Major. He was , for the Colonel not on- 
 ly took away his cockade, but his cuftom; 
 and I don't think poor Captain Sheers has 
 done a flitch for him fince. 
 
 Sir Jac. But you foon fupplied the lofs 
 ofMoloffas? 
 
 Major. In part only : no, Sir Jacob, he 
 had great experience; he was train 'd up to 
 arms from his youth; at fixteen he trail'd a 
 pike in the Artillery-ground ; at eighteen 
 got a company in the Smithhcld pioneers ; 
 and by the time he was twenty, was made 
 aid-de-camp to Sir Jeffery Grub, Knight, 
 Alderman, and Colonel of the Yellow. 
 
 Sir Jac. A rapid rife! 
 
 Major*
 
 OP GARRATT. IJ 
 
 Major. Yes, he had a genius for war; 
 but what I wanted in practice, I made up 
 by doubling my diligence. Our poiter at 
 home had been a fcrjeant of marines ; fo af- 
 ter fhop was (hut up at night, he us'd to 
 teach me my exercife ; and he had not to 
 deal with a dunce, Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. Your progrefs was great. 
 
 Major. Amazing. In a week J could 
 {houlder, and reft, and poize, and turn to 
 the right, and wheel to the left; and in lefs 
 than a month I could fire without winking 
 or blinking. 
 
 Sir Jac. A perfect Hannibal ! 
 
 Major. Ah, and then I learnt to form 
 lines, and hollows, and fquares, and evolu- 
 tions, and revolutions : let me tell you, Sir 
 Jacob, it was lucky that Monfieur kept his 
 myrmidons at home, or we mould have pep- 
 per'd his ftat-bottom'd boats* 
 
 Sir Jac. Ay, marry, he had a marvellous 
 cfcape. 
 
 Major. We would a taught him what a 
 Briton can do, who is fighting pro arvis and 
 focus. 
 
 Sir Jac. Pray now, Major, which do you 
 look upon as the bed cjifciplin'd troops, the 
 London regiments, or the Middlefex militia ? 
 
 Major. Why, Sir Jacob, it does not be- 
 come me to fay ; but lack-a-day, they have 
 aever feen any fervice Holiday foldiers ! 
 3 Why,
 
 14 THE MAYOft 
 
 Why, I don't believe, unlefs indeed updn a 
 lord-mayor's day, and that mere matter of 
 accident, that they were ever wet to the 
 fkin in their lives. 
 
 Sir Jac. Indeed ! 
 
 Major. No ! foldiers for fun-fhine, Cock- 
 neys ; they have no* the appearance, the 
 air, the freedom, the Jenny fequi that Oh 
 could you but fee me falute ! you have 
 never a fpontoon in the houfe? 
 
 Sir Jac. No ; but we could get you a 
 ftove-pike. 
 
 Major. No matter. Well, Sir Jacob, and 
 how are your fair daughters, fweet Mrs. 
 Sneak, and the lovely Mrs. Bruin ; is (he as 
 lively and as brilliant as ever ? 
 
 Sir Jac. Oh, oh, now the murder is out ; 
 this vifit was intended for them : come, own 
 now, Major, did not you expect to meet 
 with them here ? You officers are men of 
 fuch gallantry ! 
 
 Major. Why, we do tickle up the ladies, 
 Sir Jacob ; there is no refitting a red coat. 
 
 Sir Jac. True, true, Major. 
 
 Major. But that is now all over with me. 
 " Farewell to the plumed fteeds and neigh- 
 " ing troops," as the black man fays in the 
 play ; like the Roman cenfurer, I (hall re- 
 tire to my Savine field, and there cultivate 
 cabbages. 
 
 Sir y^c.Underthe (hade of your laurels. 
 
 Majw.
 
 OF GARRATT. 15 
 
 Major. True ; I have done with the Ma- 
 jor, and now return to the Magiftrate ; Cf- 
 dunt Arma Togge. 
 
 Sir Jac. Still in the fervice of your 
 country. 
 
 Major. True ; man was not made for 
 himfelf ; and fo, thirVing that this would 
 prove a bufy day in the jufticing way I am 
 come, Sir Jacob, to lend you a hand. 
 
 Sir Jac. Done like a neighbour. 
 
 Major. I have brought, as I fuppofe mofl 
 of our bufinefs will be in the battery way, 
 fome warrants and mittimufes ready fill'd 
 up, with all but the names of the parties, 
 in order to fave time. 
 
 Sir Jac. A provident magiftrate. 
 
 Major. Pray, how (hall we manage as to 
 the article of fwearing ; for I reckon we 
 (hall have oaths as plenty as hops. 
 
 Sir Jac. Why, with regard to that branch 
 of our bufinefs, to-day, I believe, the law 
 muft be fuffer'd to deep. 
 
 Major. I fhould think we might pick up 
 fomething that's pretty that way. 
 
 Sir Jac. No, poor rafcals, they would 
 not be able to pay ; and as to the flocks, we 
 fhould never find room for their legs. 
 
 Major. Pray, Sir Jacob, is Matthew Mar- 
 row-bone, the butcher of your town, Jiving 
 or dead ? 
 
 Sir Jac. Living. 
 
 Major.
 
 l6 THE MAYOR. 
 
 Major. And fwe-ars as much as he ufed ? 
 
 &n Jac. An alter'd man, Major; not an 
 oath comes out of his mouth. 
 
 Major. You furprife me ; why, when he 
 frequented our town of a market-day, he 
 has taken out a guinea in oaths and quite 
 chang'd ? 
 
 Sir Jac. Entirely; they fay his wife has 
 made him a Methodifl, and that he preaches 
 at Kennjngton-Common. 
 
 Major. ' What a deal of mifchief thofe 
 rafcals do in the country Why then we 
 have entirely loft him ? 
 
 Sir Jac. In that way : but I gota brace 
 of bind-overs from him lad week for a 
 couple of baftards. 
 
 Major. Well done, mafter Matthew but 
 
 pray now, Sir Jacob 
 
 [Mob without huzza! 
 
 Sir Jac. What's the matter now, Roger? 
 
 Enter Roger. 
 
 Rog. The electors defire to know, if your 
 worfhip has any body to recommend ? 
 
 Sir Jac. By no means; let them be free 
 in their choice : I (han't interfere. 
 
 Rog. And if your worihip has any ob- 
 jection to Crifpin Heel -Tap the Cobler's 
 being returning officer? 
 
 Sir Jac. None, provided the rafcal can 
 keep himfelf fober : Is he there? 
 
 Rog.
 
 OF GARRATT. Ij 
 
 Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob : make way there; 
 (land farther off from the gate: here is Ma- 
 dam Sneak in a chair,alongwith her hufbancL 
 
 Major. Gad-fo, you will permit me to 
 convov her in ? [Exit Major. 
 
 Sir Jac. Now here is one of the evils of 
 war* This Sturgeon was as pains taking a 
 Billingfgate-broker as any in the bills'of 
 mortality. But the fim is got out of his 
 element ; the foldier has quite demolim'd 
 the citizen. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Sneak handed "by the Major. ' 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Dear Major, I demand a 
 million of pardons. I have given you a pro- 
 fufion of trouble -;,but my hu (band is fuch 
 a goofe-cap, that I can't get no good out of 
 him at home or abroad Jerry, Jerry Sneak! 
 Your bleffing, Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. Daughter, you are welcome to 
 Gamut. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Why, Jerry Sneak ! I fay: 
 Enter Sneak, -with a band-box, a hoop-pet- 
 ticoat under his arm, and cardinal, &c. 
 &c. &c. &c. 
 
 Sneak. Here, lovy. 
 
 Mrs. SneaL Here, Looby: there,laythefe 
 things in the hall ; and then go and look 
 after the horfe : are you fure you have got 
 all the things out cf the chaife ? 
 
 B Sneak:
 
 jg THE 
 
 Sneak. Yes, chuck. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Then give me my fan. 
 
 [Jerry drops the things infearching 
 
 his pocket for the fan. 
 
 Mrs Sneak. Did ever mortal fee fuch a 
 
 I declare, I am quite afham'd to be feen 
 
 with him abroad : go, get you gone out of 
 
 my fight. 
 
 Sneak. I go,lovy : Good-day to my fa- 
 ther-in-law. 
 
 Sir Jac. I am glad to fee you, fon Sneak: 
 ButwhereisyourbrotherBruin and his wife. 
 Sneak. He will be here anon, father Sir 
 Jacob; he did but juft ftep into the Alley 
 to gather how tickets were fold. 
 Sir Jac. Very well, fon Sneak. 
 
 Exit Sneak. 
 
 Mrs Sneak. Son ! yes, and a pretty fon 
 you have provided. 
 
 Sir jac. I hope all for the beft : why, 
 what terrible work there would have been, 
 had you married fuch a one as your fifter? 
 one houfe could never have contain'd you 
 < Now, I thought this meek mate 
 
 Mrs Sneak. Meek ! a mufhroom ! a 
 milkfop ! 
 
 Sir Jac. Lookye, Molly, I have mar- 
 ried you to a man ; take care you don't 
 make him a monfler. [_Exit Sir Jac. 
 
 Mrs Sneak. Monfter ! "Why, Major, the 
 fellow has nomore heart thanamoufe: Had 
 
 my
 
 OF GARRATT. l 
 
 my kind ftars indeed allotted me a military 
 man, I mould, doubtlefs, have deported 
 myfelf in a befeemingly manner* 
 
 Major. Unqueftionably, madam. 
 
 Mrs Sneak. Nor would the Major have 
 found, had it been my fortune to intermarry 
 with him, that Molly Jollup would have 
 dishonoured his cloth. 
 
 Major. I mould have been too happy. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Indeed, Sir, I reverence the 
 army ; they are all fo brave ; fo polite j fo 
 every thing a woman can wi(h- 
 
 Major. Oh ! madam 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. So elegant ; fo genteel ; fo 
 obliging: and then the rank; why, who 
 would dare to affront the wife of a Major? 
 
 Major. No man with impunity ; that I 
 take the freedom to fay, madam. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. I know it, good Sir : Oh ! 
 I am no ftranger to what I have mifs'd. 
 
 Major. Oh, madam ! Let me die, but 
 (he has infinite merit. [Afide. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Then to be join'dto aiheak- 
 ing flovenly cit; a paltry, praying, pitiful 
 pin-maker ! 
 
 Major. Melancholy ! 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Tobejoftled and cramm'd 
 with the crowd ; no refpecl:. no place, no 
 precedence ; to be choak'd with the fmoak 
 of the city; no country jaunts but to Iflmg- 
 ton ; no balls but at Pewterers-hall. 
 
 B 3 Major. 
 
 .
 
 20 THE MAYOR. 
 
 Major. Intolerable! 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. I fee, Sir, you have a pro- 
 per fenfe of my fufferings. 
 
 Major. And would fhed my befl blood 
 to relieve them. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Gallant gentleman ! 
 
 Major. The brave muft favour the fair. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Intrepid Major ! 
 
 Mjor. Divine Mrs. Sneak ! 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Obliging commander ! 
 
 Major. Might I be permitted the honor 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Sir 
 
 Major. Juftto ravifh akifs fromy our hand. 
 , Mrs. Sneak. You have a right to all we 
 can grant. 
 
 Major. Courteous, condefcending, com- 
 plying Hum Ha ! 
 
 XK\ Enter Sneak. 
 
 : Sneak. Chuck, my brother and fifter 
 Bruin are juft turning the corner; the Clap- 
 ham flage was quite full, and To they came 
 by water. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak'. I wifh they had all been 
 .fous'd in the Thames A praying, imperti- 
 nent puppy ! 
 
 Major. Next time I will clap a centinel 
 to fecure the door. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Major Sturgeon, permit me 
 to withdraw for a moment -, my drefs de- 
 mands a little repair. 
 
 Major. Your ladyfhip's mod entirely de- 
 
 Mrs.
 
 OF GARRATT. 21 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Lady (hip ! he is the very 
 Broglio and Belleifle of the army ! 
 
 Sneak. Shall I wait upon you, dove ? 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. No, dolt ; what, would you 
 leave the Major alone Pis that your manners, 
 you mongrel ? 
 
 Major. Oh, madam, I can never be alone; 
 your fweetidera will be my conftant com- 
 panion. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Mark that : I am forry, Sir, 
 I am obligated to leave you. 
 
 Major. Madam 
 
 Mr^.Sn^.Efpeciallywithfuchawretch- 
 ed companion. 
 
 Major. Oh, madam 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. But as foon as my drefs is 
 reftored, I (hall fly to relieve your diftrefs, 
 Major. For that moment I fhall wait with 
 the greateft impatience. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Courteous commander. 
 
 Major. Barragon of women ! 
 
 Mrs Sneak. Adieu! 
 
 Major. Adieu ! [Exit Mrs. Sneak. 
 
 Sneak. Notwithstanding, Sir, all my 
 chicken has faid, I am fpecial company 
 when (he is not by. 
 
 Major. I doubt not, mafler Sneak. 
 
 Sneak. If you would butcomeoneThurf- 
 day-night to our club, at the Nag's-Head, 
 in the Poultry, you would meet fome roar- 
 ing, rare boys, i'faith; There's Jemmy Per- 
 B 3 kins,
 
 22 THE MAYOR 
 
 kins, the packer ; little Tom Simkins, the 
 grocer ; honeft Mailer Muzzle, the mid- 
 wife 
 
 Major. A goodly company ! 
 
 Sneak. Ay, and then fometimes we have 
 the Choice Spirits from Comus's Court, and 
 we crack jokes, and are fo jolly and funny; 
 I have learnt myfelf to {ing "An old wo- 
 man clothed in grey." But I durft not fing 
 out loud, becaufe my wife would overhear 
 me ; and {he fays as how I bawl worfer than 
 the broom-man. 
 
 Major. And you muft not think of difo- 
 bliging your lady. 
 
 Sneak. I never does : I never contradicts 
 her, not I. 
 
 Major. That's right : {he is a woman of 
 infinite merit. 
 
 Sneak. O, a power : and don't you think 
 fhe is very-pretty withal ? 
 
 Major. A Venus ! 
 
 Sneak. Yes, werry like Wenus Mayhap 
 you have known her fome time ? 
 
 Major. Long. 
 
 Sneak. Belike, before fhe was married? 
 
 Major. I did, M after Sneak. 
 
 Sneek. Ay, when ihe was a wirgin. I 
 thought you was an old acquaintance, by 
 your khTmg her hand; for we ben't quite fo 
 familiar as that But then, indeed, we 
 han't been married a year. 
 
 Major.
 
 OF GARRATT. 23 
 
 Major. The meer honey-moon. 
 
 Sneak. Ay, ay, I fuppofe we fhall come 
 to it by degrees. 
 
 Bruin [within] Come along Jane ; why 
 you are as purfy and lazy, you jade 
 
 Enter Bruin and Wife ; Bruin with a cot" 
 ton cap on ; his Wife with his wig, great- 
 coat, andjifoing-rod. 
 
 Bruin. Come, Jane, give me my wig ; 
 you flut, how you have toufled the curls? 
 Matter Sneak, a good morning to you. 
 Sir, I am your humble fervant, unknown. 
 
 Enter Roger. 
 
 Rog. Mrs. Sneak begs to fpeak with 
 the Major. 
 
 Major. I will wait on the lady imme- 
 diately. 
 
 Sneak. Don't tarry an inftant; you can't 
 think how impatient (he is. [Exit Major. 
 
 Sneak. A good morrow to you, brother 
 Bruin ; you have had a warm walk acrofa 
 the fields. 
 
 Mrs. Bruin. Good lord, I am all in a 
 muck. 
 
 Bruin. And who may you thank for it, 
 huffy ? If you had got up time enough, 
 you might have fecur'd the ftage ; but you 
 are a lazy lie-a-bed. 
 
 Mrs. Bruin. There's Mr. Sneak keeps 
 my filler a chay. 
 
 B 4 Bruin.
 
 4 THE MAYOR 
 
 Bruin. And fo he may ; but I know bet- 
 ter wriLt to do with my money : indeed, if 
 the war had but continued awhile, I don't 
 know whatmought ha' been done; but this 
 plaguy ] eace, with a pox to't, has knock'd 
 up all the tiade of the Alley. 
 
 Mrs, Bruin. For the matter of that, we 
 can afford it well enough as it is. 
 
 Bruin. And how do you know that ? 
 Who told you as much, Mrs. Mixen ? I 
 hope I know the world better than to truft 
 my concerns with a wife : no, no, thank 
 you for that, Mrs. Jane. 
 
 Mrs. bruin. And pray who is more fit- 
 terer to be trufted? 
 
 Bruin. Hey-day ! Why, the wench is 
 bewitch'd : come, come, let's have none of 
 your palaver here Take twelve-pence 
 and pay the waterman. But firft fee if he 
 has broke none of the pipes And, d'ye 
 hear Jane, be fure to lay the fuhing-rod 
 fafe, [Exit Mrs. Bruin. 
 
 Sneak, Ods me, how finely (he's ma- 
 nag'd! what would I give to have my 
 wife as much under ! 
 
 Bruin. It is all your own fault, brother 
 Sneak. 
 
 Sneak. D'ye think fo ? (he is a fweet 
 pretty creature. 
 Bruin. A vixen.
 
 OF GARRATT* 2 
 
 Sneak. Why., to fay the truth, (he EtSes 
 now and then heftor a little ; and, between 
 ourfelves, domineers likethedevil: OLord, 
 I lead the life of a dog: why, (he allows me 
 but two (hillings a week for my pocket. 
 fruin. No ! 
 
 Sneak. No, man ; 'tis (he that receives 
 and pays all : and then I am forc'd to trot 
 after her to church, with her cardinal, pat- 
 tens, and prayer-book, for all the world as 
 if I was ftill a'prentice. 
 
 Bruin. Zounds ! I would foufe them all 
 in the kennel. 
 
 Sneak. I durft not And then at table, 
 I never gets what I loves. 
 Bruin. The devil ! 
 
 Sneak. No ; (he always helps me herfelf 
 to the tough drumflicks of turkies, and the 
 damn'd fat flaps of moulders of mutton; I 
 don't think I have eat a bit of under cruft 
 fmce we have been married : you fee bro- 
 ther Bruin, I am almoft as thin as a lath. 
 Bruin, An abfolute fkeleton ! 
 Sneak. Now, if you think I could carry 
 my point, I would fo fwinge and leather 
 my lambkin ; God, I would fo curry and 
 claw her. 
 
 Bruin. By the lord Harry, me richly 
 deferves it. 
 
 Sneak. Will you, brother, lend me a lift. 
 Bruin. Command me at all times. 
 
 Sneak.
 
 THE MAYOR 
 
 Sneak. Why then, I will verily pluck up 
 a fpirit ; and the firft time (he offers to 
 
 Mrs. Sneak[within] Jerry, Jerry Sneak! 
 
 Sneak. Gad's my life, fure as a gun that's 
 her voice : look-ye, brother, I don't chufe 
 to breed a difturbance in another body's 
 houfe ; but as foon as ever I get home 
 
 Bruin. Now is your time. 
 
 Sneak. No, no; it would not be decent, 
 
 Mrs. Sneak, [within.'] Jerry ! Jerry ! 
 
 Sneak. I come, lovy. But you will be 
 fure to ftand by me? 
 
 Bruin. Trot, nincompoop. 
 
 Sneak. Well, if I don't I wifh 
 
 Mrs. Sneak, [within.] Where is this lazy 
 puppy a-loitering? 
 
 Sneak. I come, chuck, as faft as I can 
 Good Lord, what a fad life do I lead ! 
 
 [Exit Sneak. 
 
 Bruin. Ex quovis linguo : who can make 
 a ft Ik purfe of a fow's ear ? 
 
 Enter Sir Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. Come, fon Bruin, we are all 
 featedat table, man; we have but juft time 
 for a fnack : the candidates are near upon 
 coming. 
 
 Bruin. A poor, paltry, mean-fpirited 
 Damn it, before 1 would fubmit to fuch a 
 
 Sir Jac. Come, come, man; don't be fo 
 crufty. 
 
 Bruin
 
 OF GARRATT. 2/ 
 
 Bruin. I follow, Sir Jacob : Damme* 
 when once a man gives up his prerogative* 
 he might as well give up But, however, it 
 is no bread and butter of mine Jerry, 
 
 Jerry ! Zounds, I would Jerry and jerk 
 
 her too, [Exit. 
 
 End of the Firjl Aft. 
 
 ACT II. SCENE continues. 
 
 Sir JACOB, Major STURGEON, Mr. and 
 Mrs. BRUIN, Mr, and Mrs. SNEAK, 
 difcovered, 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. 
 
 INDEED, Major, notagrain of curiofity. 
 Can it be thought that we, who have a 
 Lord-Mayor's fhow every year, can take 
 any pleafure in this ? 
 
 Major. In time of war, madam, thefe 
 meetings are not amifs : I fancy a man 
 might pick up a good many recruits : but in 
 thefe piping times of peace, I wonder Sir 
 Jacob permits it, 
 
 Sir Jac, It would, Major, coft me my 
 popularity to quafh it: the common people 
 are as fond of their cuftoms as the barons 
 were of their Magna Cliarta : befides, my 
 tenants make fome little advantage. 
 
 Enter
 
 28 tHE MAYOR 
 
 Enter Roger. 
 
 Rog. CnTpin Heel -Tap, with the ele&ors, 
 are fet out from the Adam and Eve. 
 
 Sir Jac. Gad-fo, then they will foon be 
 upon us : come, good folks, the balcony 
 \vill give us the beft view of the whole. Ma- 
 jor, you will take theladies under p roteftion. 
 
 Major. Sir Jacob, I am upon guard. 
 
 Sir Jac. I can tell you, this Heel-Tap is 
 an arch rafcal. 
 
 Sneak. And plays the bed game at crib- 
 bage in the whole corporation of Garratt. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. That puppy will always be 
 a- chattering. 
 
 Sneak. Nay, I did but 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Hold your tongue, or I'll 
 fend you home in an inftant 
 
 Sir JK. Pr'ythee, daughter ! You may 
 to-day, Major, meet with fomething that 
 will put you in mind of more important 
 tranfa&ions. 
 
 Major. Perhaps fo. 
 
 Sir Jac. Lack-a-day, all men are alike; 
 their principles exactly the fame : for tho' 
 art and education may difguife or polifli 
 the manners, the fame motives and fp rings 
 are univerfally planted. 
 
 Major. Indeed! 
 
 Sir Jac. Why, in this mob, this group 
 of plebeians,youwill meet with materials to 
 make a Sylla, a Cicero, a Solon, or a Caefar; 
 
 let
 
 OF GARRATT. 2g 
 
 et them but change conditions, and the 
 world's great lord had been, but the bed 
 wreftler on the green. 
 
 Major. Ay, ay, I could have told thele 
 things formerly ; but fmce I have been in 
 the army, I have entirely neglected the 
 clafles . Mob without huzza. 
 
 iSzV/flc.Butthe heroes are at hand, Major. 
 
 Sneak. Father Sir Jacob, might not we 
 have a tankard of ftingo above ? 
 
 Sir yac. By all means. 
 
 Sneak. D'ye hear, Roger. 
 
 [Exeunt. into the balcony. 
 
 SCENE, A STREET. 
 
 Enter Mob, with Heel -Tap at their hedd^ 
 
 fome cry ingaGook ; others a Mug ; others 
 
 a Primmer. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Silence, there; fllence! 
 
 ijl. Mob. Hear neighbour Heel-Tap. 
 
 2.d Mob. Ay, ay, hear Orifpin. 
 
 $d Mob. Ay, ay, hear him, hear Crifpin ; 
 He will put us into the model of the thing 
 at once. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Why. then, filence ! 1 fay. 
 ' All. Silence. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Silence, and let us proceed, 
 neighbours, with all the decency and con- 
 fufion ufual upon thefe occafions. 
 
 ifl Mob. Ay, ay, there is no doing with- 
 .out that. 
 
 Ml
 
 jo THE MAYOR 
 
 All. No, no, no. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Silence then, and keep the 
 peace : what, is there no refpeft paid to au- 
 thority ? am not I the returning officer ? 
 
 AIL Ay, ay, ay. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Chofen by yourfelves,and ap- 
 proved of by Sir Jacob ? 
 
 AIL True, true. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Well then, be filent and civil ; 
 fland back there, that gentleman without a 
 fhirt, and make room for your betters : 
 where's Simon Snuffle the Sexton ? 
 
 Snuffle. Here. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Let him come forward; we ap- 
 point him our fecretary : for Simon is a 
 fcolard, and can read written hand ; and fo 
 let him be refpefted accordingly. 
 
 $d Mob. Room for Mafter Snuffle. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Here, ftand by me : and let us 
 neighbours, proceed to open the premunire 
 of the thing: but firft, your reverence to the 
 lord of the manor : a long life and a merry 
 one to our landlord Sir Jacob ! Huzza ! 
 
 Mob. Huzza! 
 
 Sneak. How fares it, honed Crifpin ? 
 
 Heel-Tap. Servant, Mafter Sneak. Let 
 us now open the premunire of the thing, 
 which I (hall do briefly, with all the loqua- 
 city poflible ; that is, in a medium way ; 
 which, that we may the better do it, let the 
 fecretary read the names of the candidates, 
 3 and
 
 OP GARRATT. 31 
 
 and what they fay for themfelves ; and then 
 we (hall know what to fay of them : Mailer 
 Snuffle, begin. 
 
 Snuffle. " To the worthy inhabitants of 
 " the ancient corporation of Garratt: Gen- 
 " tlemen, your votes and intereft are hum- 
 " bly requefted in favour of Timothy 
 ' Goofe, to fucceedyour late worthy may- 
 " or, Mr. Richard Dripping, in the faid 
 " office, he being" 
 
 Heel-Tap. This Goofe is but a kind of 
 Gofling, a fort of fneaking fcoundrel : who 
 is he? 
 
 Snuffle. Ajourneyman taylor, from Put- 
 ney. 
 
 Heel-Tap. A journey man taylor! A raf- 
 cal, has he the impudence to tranfpire to be 
 mayor? D'ye confider. neighbours, the 
 weight of this office ? Why, it is a burthen 
 for the back of a porter; and can you think 
 that this crofs-legg'd cabbage-eating fon of 
 a cucumber, this whey-fac'd ninny, who is 
 but the ninth part of a man, has ftrength 
 to fupport it ? 
 
 i/ Mob. No Goofe ! no Goofe ! 
 
 zd Mob. A Goofe ! 
 
 Heel-Tap . Hold your hiffing, and pro- 
 ceed to the next. 
 
 Snuffle. " Your votes are defired for 
 " Matthew Mug." 
 
 V? Mob. A Mug ! A Mug ! 
 
 OM-.
 
 o<2 THE, MAYOR 
 
 Heel-Tap. Oh, oh, what you are all ready 
 to have a touch of the tankard : but, fair 
 and Toft, good neighbours, let us tafte this 
 Mailer Mug, before we fwallow him ; and 
 imlefs 1 am miftaken, you will find him a 
 damn d bitter draught. 
 
 3/1 MoL A Mug ! a Mug / 
 
 zd Mob. Hear him ; hear Mailer Heel- 
 Tap. 
 
 ift Mob. A Mug ! a Mug ! 
 
 Heel-Tap. Harkye, you fellow, with your 
 mouth full of Mug, let me afk you a quel- 
 tion : bring him forward : pray is not this 
 Matthew Mug a victualler? 
 
 $d Mob. I believe he may. 
 
 ^Heel-Tap. And lives at the fign of the 
 Adam and Eve ? 
 , %d Mob. I believe he may. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Now anfwer upon your ho- 
 nour, and as you are a gentleman, what is 
 the prefent price of a quart of home-brew'd 
 at the Adam and Eve ? 
 
 %d Mob. I don't know. 
 
 Heel-Tap. You lie, firrah: an't it a groat; 
 
 $d Mob. I believe it may. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Oh, may befo: now, neigh- 
 bours, here's a pretty rafcal; this fame 
 Mug, becaufe, d'ye fee, ftate-affairs would 
 not jog glibly without laying a farthing a 
 quart upon ale; this fcoundrel, not content- 
 ed
 
 OF GARRATT. 33 
 
 ed to take things in a medium way, has had 
 the impudence to raife it a penny. 
 
 Mob. No Mug! no Mug! 
 
 Heel-Tap. So, I thought I mould crack 
 Mr. Mug. Come, proceed to the next, Si- 
 mon. 
 
 Snuffle. The next upon the lift is Peter 
 Primmer, the fchool mailer. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Ay, neighbours, and a fuffi- 
 cient man: let me tell you, Mafter Prim- 
 mer is the man for my money; a man of 
 learning ; that can lay down the law : why, 
 adzooks, he is wife enough to puzzle the 
 parfon: and then, how you have heard him 
 oration at the Adam and Eve of a Saturday 
 night, about Ruffia and Pruflia: Ecod, 
 George Gage the excifeman is nothing at 
 all to un. 
 
 ^th Mob. A Primmer I 
 
 Heel-Tap. Ay, if the folks above did but 
 know him ; why, lads, he will make us all 
 ftatefmen in time. 
 
 %d Mob. Indeed! 
 
 Heel-Tap* Why, he fwears as how all 
 the mifcarriages are owing to the great 
 people's not learning to read. 
 
 %d Mob. Indeed ! 
 
 Heel-Tap. For, fays Peter, fays he. if they 
 would but once fubmit to be learnedby me, 
 there is no knowing to what a pitch the na- 
 tion might rife. 
 
 C T/2 Mob. -
 
 04 THE MAYOR 
 
 ift Mob. Ay, I wifh they would. 
 
 Sneak. Crifpin, what is Peter Primmer a 
 candidate ? 
 
 Heel-Tap. He is, Matter Sneak. 
 
 Sneak. Lord, I know him, mun, as well 
 as my mother : why, I ufed to go to his lec- 
 tures to Pewterers-hall 'long with deputy 
 Firkin. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Like enough. 
 
 Sneak. Odds-me, brother Bruin, can you 
 tell me what is become of my vife ? 
 
 Bruin. She is gone off with the Major. 
 
 Sneak. Mayhap to take a walk inthe gar- 
 den; I will go and take a peep at what they 
 are doing. (Exit Sneak. 
 
 Mob without huzza. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Gad-fo! the candidates are 
 coming. Come, neighbours, range your- 
 felves to the right and left, that you may be 
 canvafs'd in order : let us fee who comes 
 firft? 
 
 ifl Mob. Mafter Mug. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Now, neighbours, have a good 
 caution that this Mafter Mug does not ca- 
 jole you ; he is a damn'd palavering fellow. 
 
 Enter Matthew Mug. 
 
 Mug. Gentlemen, I am the foweft of 
 your Haves : Mr. Heel-Tap, have the ho- 
 nour of kifling your hand. 
 
 Heel-Tap. There, did not I tell you ? 
 
 3 Mug.
 
 OF GARRATT. 3J 
 
 Mug. Ah, my very good friend, I hope 
 your father is well ? 
 
 \Jl Mob. He is dead. 
 
 Mug. So he is. Mr. Grub, if my wifhes 
 prevail, your very good wife is in health. 
 
 zd Mob. Wife ! I never was married. 
 
 Mug. No more you were. Well, neigh- 
 bours and friends Ah ! what honeft Dick 
 Bennet. 
 
 $d Mob. My name is Gregory Gubbins. 
 
 Mug. You are right, it is fo ; and how 
 fares it with good Mafter Gubbins ? 
 
 ^d Mob. Pretty tight, Mafter Mug. 
 
 Mug. I am exceedingly happy to hear it. 
 
 qth Mob. Harkye, Mafter Mug. 
 
 Mug. You rpleafure my very dear friend? 
 
 ^th Mob. Why as how, and concerning 
 our young one at home. 
 
 Mug. Right ; (he is a prodigious promif- 
 ing girl. 
 
 ^tb Mob. Girl ! Zooks, why 'tis a boy. 
 
 Mug. True , a fine boy ! I love and ho- 
 nour the child. 
 
 th Mob. Nay, 'tis none fuch a child ; 
 but you promis'd to get un a place. 
 
 Mug. A place ! what place ? 
 
 qthMob. Why, a gentleman's fervice,you 
 know. 
 
 Mug. It is done ; it is fixed ; it is fettled. 
 
 4fh Mob. And when is the lad to take on! 
 
 Mz^.Hemuftgoin a fortnight atfartheft. 
 2
 
 g5 THE MAYOR 
 
 tfh Mob. And is it a pretty goodifli birth 
 Mafter Mug? 
 
 Mug. The beft in the world ; head but- 
 ler to lady Barbara Bounce. 
 
 qth Mob. A lady ! 
 
 Mug. The wages are not much, but the 
 nails are amazing. 
 
 4th Mob. Barbara Bunch ? 
 
 Mug. Yes ; Hie has routs on Tuefdays 
 and Sundays, and he gathers the tables ; only 
 he finds candles, cards, coffee, and tea. 
 
 4th Mob. Is Lady Barbara's work pretty 
 tight? 
 
 Mug. As good as a fine-cure ; he only 
 writes cards to her company, and dreffes his 
 miftrefs's hair. 
 
 4th Mob. Hair ! Zounds, why Jack was 
 bred to drefiing of horfes. 
 
 Mug. True ; but he is fuffered to do that 
 by deputy. 
 
 4th Mob. May be fo. 
 
 Mug. It is fo. Harkye, dear Heel-Tap, 
 who is this fellow? I mould remember his 
 face. 
 
 Heel-Tap. And don't you? 
 
 Mug. Not I, I profefs. 
 
 Heel-Tap. No! 
 
 Mug. No. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Well faid, Mafter Mug; but 
 come v time wears: haveyou any thing more 
 to fay to the Corporation ? 
 
 Mug.
 
 OF &ARRATT. 37 
 
 Mug. Gentlemen of the Corporation of 
 Garratt. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Now, twig him; now, mind 
 him : mark how he hauls his mufcles about. 
 
 Mug. The honour I this day folicit, will 
 be to me the moft honourable honour that 
 can be conferr'd; and, fhould 1 fucceed, 
 you, gentlemen, may depend on my ufing 
 my utmoftendeavours to promote the good 
 of the borough; for which purpofe, the en- 
 couragement of your trade and manufaclo- 
 ries will moft principally tend. Garratt it 
 mud be own'd, is an inland town and has 
 not, like Wandfworth andFulhamandPut- 
 ney, the glorious advantage of a port; but 
 what nature has denied, induflry may fup- 
 ply;cabbage,carrots,andcolly-flowr's,may 
 be deemed at prefent, your ftaple commo- 
 dities ; but why fhould not your commerce 
 be extended ? Were I, gentlemen, worthy 
 to advife, I fhould recommend the opening 
 a new branch of trade ; fparagrafs, gentle- 
 men, the manufacturing of fparagrafs: Bat- 
 terfea, I own, gentlemen, bears, at prefent, 
 the belle ; but where lies the fank ? In our- 
 felves, gentlemen : let us, gentlemen, but 
 exert our natural ftrength, and I will take 
 upon me to fay, that ahundred of grafsfrbm 
 the Corporation of Garratt, will in a fhort 
 time, atthe London market,be held, at leaft 
 as an equivalent to a Batterfea bundle. 
 
 Mob. A Mug ! a Mug ! 
 
 C 3 Heel-
 
 38 THE MAYOR 
 
 Heel- Tap. Damn the fellow wh at a tongue 
 he has ! God, I muft ftep in, or he will 
 carry the day. Harkee, Matter Mug! 
 
 Mug. Your pleafure my very good friend : 
 
 Heel-Tap. No flummering me: I tell 
 thee, Matthew, 'twon't do : why, as to this 
 article of ale here, how comes it about that 
 you have raifed it a penny a quart? 
 
 Mug. A word in your ear, Crifpin ; you 
 and your friends fhall have itat threepence. 
 
 Heel-T'ip. What, firrah, d'ye offer a 
 bribe ! D : ye dare to corrupt me, you 
 fcoundrel ! 
 
 Mug. Gentlemen 
 
 Heel- Tap . H ere, neighbou rs ; the fel 1 ow 
 has offer'd to bate a penny a quart, if fo be 
 as how I would be confeming to impofe up- 
 on you. 
 
 Mob. No Mug! no Mug! 
 
 Mug. Neighbours, friends 
 
 Mob. No Mug! 
 
 Mug. I believe this is the firfl borough 
 that ever was loft by the returning officer's 
 refufmg a bribe. \_Exit Mug. 
 
 zdMob. Let us go and pull down his fign. 
 
 Heel-Tap. Hold, hold, no riot: but that 
 we may not give Mug time to pervert the 
 votes and carry the day, let us proceed to 
 the ele61ion. 
 
 Mob. Agreed! agreed! 
 
 [Exit Heel -Tap, and Mob. 
 Sir
 
 OF GARRATT. 39 
 
 Sir Jacob, Bruin, and Wife, come from the 
 balcony. 
 
 Sir Jac. Well, fon Bruin, how d'ye re- 
 lifli the Corporation of Garratt? 
 
 Bruin. Why, lookye, Sir Jacob, my 
 way is always to fpeak what I think : I 
 don't approve on'tat all. 
 
 Mrs. Bruin. No! 
 
 Sir Jac, And what's your objection ? 
 
 Bruin. Why, I was never over-fond of 
 your May-games: befides, corporations are 
 too ferious things ; they are edge-tools, Sir 
 Jacob. 
 
 Sir Jac. That they are frequently tools, 
 I can readily grant ; butl never heard much 
 of their edge. 
 
 Mrs. Bruin. Well now, I proteft, I am 
 pleas'd with it mightily. 
 
 Bruin. And who the devil doubts it? 
 You women folks are eafily pleas'd. 
 
 Mrs. Bruin. Well, I like it fo well, that 
 I hope to fee one every year. 
 
 Bruin. Do you? Why then you will be 
 damnably bit; you may take your leave I 
 can tell you, for this is the laft you (hall fee, 
 
 Sir Jac. Fye, Mr. Bruin, how can you 
 be fuch a bear : is that a manner of treating 
 your wife? 
 
 Bruin. What, I fuppofe you would have 
 
 me fuch a fniveling fot as your fon-in-law 
 
 C 4 Sneak,
 
 4O THE MAYOR 
 
 Sneak, to truckle and cringe, to fetch and 
 to 
 
 Enter Sneak, in a violent hurry. 
 
 Sneak. Where's brother Fruin? OLord! 
 brother, I have inch a difmai ftory to tell 
 you 
 
 Rru'.n. What's the matter ? 
 
 Sntak. Why, you know 1 went into the 
 garden to look ior my vife and the Major, 
 and th^re i hunted ^nd hunted as {harp as 
 if it b-.-iu been for one of my own miuikens ; 
 buttle deuce a Major or Madam could I 
 fee: at laft, a thought came into my head 
 to look for them up in the fummer houfe. 
 
 Bruin, And there you r ound them ? 
 
 Sneak. I'll tell you, the door was lock'd; 
 and then I look'd thro' the key-hole : and, 
 there, Lord a mercy upon us ! \Whifper s~^ 
 as fure as a gun. 
 
 Bruin. Indeed ! Zounds, why did notyou 
 break open the door ?" 
 
 Sneak. I durft not : what, would you 
 have me fet my wit to a foldier ? I warrant 
 the Major would have knock'd me down 
 with one of his boots ; for I could fee they 
 were both of them off. 
 
 Bruin. Very well ! Pretty doings ? You 
 fee, Sir Jacob, thefe are the fruits of indul- 
 gence: you may call me a bear, but your 
 daughter fhall never make me a baait 
 
 Mob,
 
 OF GARRATT. ; 41 
 
 Mob huzzas. 
 
 Sir Jac. Hey day! What is the ele&ion 
 over already. 
 
 A?z<?r Crifpin, &c. 
 
 Heel- Tap. Where is mafter Sneak? 
 
 Sneak. Here, Crifpin. 
 Heel -Tap. The ancient Corporation of 
 Garratt, in confi deration of your great 
 parts and abilities, and ->ut of refpeft to 
 their landlord, Sir Jacob, have unani- 
 moufly chofen you mayor. 
 
 Sneak. Me ! huzza ! good Lord, who 
 would have thought it : but how came 
 Mafter Primmer to lofe it ? 
 
 Heel-Tap -. Why, Phill Fleam had told 
 the electors, that Mafter Primmer was an 
 Irifhman ; and fo they would none of them 
 give their vote for a foreigner. 
 
 Sneak. So then, I have it for certain : 
 Huzza! Now, brother Bruin, you mall 
 fee how I'll manage my Madam : Gad, I'll 
 make her know I am a man of authority ; 
 me (han't think to bullock and domineer 
 over me. 
 
 Bruin. Now for it, Sneak ; the enemy's 
 at hand. 
 
 Sneak. You promife to ftand by me, 
 brother Bruin. 
 
 Bruin. Tooth and nail. 
 
 Sneak. Then now for it ; I am ready, 
 Jet her come when ihe will. 
 
 Enter
 
 42 THE MAYOR 
 
 Enter Mrs. Sneak. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Where is the puppy? 
 
 Sneak. Yes, yes, (he is axing for me. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. So, fot ; what, is this true 
 that I hear ? 
 
 Sneak. May be 'tis, may be 'tan't: I 
 don't chufe to truft my affairs with a vo- 
 man. Is that right, brother Bruin ? 
 
 Bruin. Fine ! don't bate her an inch. 
 
 Sneak. Stand by me. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Hey-day ! I am amaz'd ! 
 Why, what is the meaning of this ? 
 
 Sneak. The meaning is plain, that I am 
 grown a man, and vil do what I pleafe, 
 without being accountable to nobody. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Why, the fellow is furely 
 be w itch 'd. 
 
 Sneak, No, I am unwitch'd, and that you 
 fhall know to your coft ; and fmce you 
 provoke me, I will tell you a bit of my 
 mind : what, I am the hufband, I hope ? 
 
 Bruin. That's right : at her again. 
 
 Sneak. Yes ; and you fhan't think to 
 he&or and domineer over me as you have 
 done ; for I'll go to the club when I pleafe, 
 and (layout as late as I lift, and row in aboat 
 to Putney on Sundays, and wifit my friends 
 at Vitfontide, and keep the key of the till, 
 and help myfelf at table to vhat vittles I 
 like, and I'll have a bit of the brown. 
 
 Bruin
 
 OF GARRATT. 43 
 
 Bruin. Bravo, brother! Sneak, the day's 
 your own. 
 
 Sneak. An't it? vhy, I did not think it 
 vas in me : (hall I tell her all I know? 
 
 Bruin. Every thing ; you fee (he is 
 (truck dumb. 
 
 Sneak. As an oyfter: befides madam, I 
 have fomething furder to tell you : ecod, 
 if fome folks go into gardens with Majors, 
 mayhap other people may go into garrets 
 with maids. There, I gave it her home, 
 brother Bruin. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Why doodle! jackanapes! 
 harkee, who am I ? 
 
 Sneak. Come, don't go to call names: am 
 I ? vhy my vife, and I am your mafter. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. My mafter! you paltry, 
 puddling puppy ; you fneaking fhabby, 
 fcrubby, fniveling whelp ! 
 
 Sneak. Brother Bruin, don't let her 
 come near me. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Have I, (irrah, demean'd 
 myfelf to wed fuch a thing, fuch a reptile 
 as thee ! Have I not made myfelf a bye- 
 word to all my acquaintance ! Don't all 
 the world cry, Lord, who would have 
 thought it ! Mifs Molly Jollup to be mar- 
 ried to Sneak ; to take up at laft with fuch 
 a noodle as he ! 
 
 Sneak. Ay, and glad enough you could 
 catch me : you know, you was pretty near 
 your laft legs. . 
 
 Mrs. Sneak.
 
 44 THE MAYOR 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Was there ever fuch a con- 
 fident cur? My laft legs ! Why, all the 
 country knows, I could have pick'd and 
 chus'd where I would : did not I refufe 
 'Squire Ap-Griffith from Wales ? did not 
 Counfellor Crab come a courting a twelve- 
 month? did not Mr. Wort, the great 
 brewer of Brentford, make an offer that I 
 fhould keep my poft-chay ? 
 
 Sneak. Nay, brother Bruin, (he has had 
 werry good proffers, that is certain. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. My laft legs ! but I can 
 rein my paffion no longer ; let me get at 
 the villain. 
 
 Bruin. O fye, fifter Sneak. 
 
 Sneak. Hold her faft. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Mr. Bruin, unhand me : 
 what, is it you that have ftirred up thefe 
 coals then ; he is fet on by you to abufe me. 
 
 Bruin. Not I; I would only have a man 
 behave like a man. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. What, and are you to teach 
 him, I warrant But here comes the Major. 
 
 Enter Major Sturgeon. 
 
 Oh Major! fuch a riot and rumpus! Like 
 a man indeed ! I wifh people would mind 
 their own affairs, and not meddle with mat- 
 ters that does not concern them : but all in 
 good time; I (hall one day catch him alone 
 when he has not his bullies to back him. 
 
 Sneak.
 
 OF GARRATT. 45 
 
 Sneak. Adod, that's true, brother Bruin ; 
 what fhall I do when {he has me at home, 
 and nobody by but ourfelves ? 
 
 Bruin. If you get her once under, you 
 may do with her whatever you will. 
 
 Major. Look ye, Mafter Bruin, I don't 
 know how this behaviour may fuit with 
 a citizen ; but, were you an officer, and 
 Major Sturgeon upon your court-martial 
 
 Bruin. What then ? 
 
 Major. Then ! why then you would be 
 broke. 
 
 Bruin. Broke! and for what? 
 
 Major. What ! read the articles of war : 
 butthefe things are out ofyourfpear; points 
 of honour are for the fons of the fword. 
 
 Sneak. Honour ! if you come to that, 
 where was your honour when you got my 
 vife in the garden ? 
 
 Major. Now, Sir Jacob, this is the curfe 
 of our cloth : all fufpefted for the faults 
 of a few. 
 
 Sneak. Ay, and not without reafon ; I 
 heard of your tricks at the king ofBohemy, 
 when you was campaining about, I did : fa- 
 ther Sir Jacob, he is as wicious as an old ram. 
 
 Major. Stop whilft you are fafe, Mafter 
 Sneak; for the fake of your amiable lady, 
 I pardon what is paft But for you 
 
 Bruin. Well. 
 
 Major. Dreadthe whole force of my fury. 
 
 Bruin.
 
 46* THE MAYOR 
 
 Bruin. Why, lookye, Major Sturgeon, 
 I don't much care for your poppers and 
 fharps, becaufe why, they are out of my 
 way ; but if you will doff with your boots, 
 and box a couple of bouts 
 
 Major. Box! box! blades! bullets! 
 Bagfhot ! 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Nor for the world, my dear 
 Major ! oh, rifk not fo precious a life. Un- 
 grateful wretches ! and is this the reward 
 for all the great feats he has done ? After 
 all his marchings, his foufmgs, his fweat- 
 ings, his fwimmings ; muft his dear blood 
 be fpilt by a broker ! 
 
 Major. Befatisfy'd, fweet Mrs. Sneak ; 
 thefe little fracafes we foldiers are fubjecl 
 to; trifles, bagatailes, Mrs. Sneak: but that 
 matters may be conducted in a military 
 manner, I will get our chaplain to pen me a 
 challenge. Expe6ttohearfrommy adjutant. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Major, Sir Jacob ; what, are 
 
 you all leagu'd againft his dear A man ! 
 
 yes, a very manly action indeed to fet mar- 
 ried people a quarreling, and ferment a dif- 
 ference between hufband and wife : if you 
 were a man, you would not ftand by and 
 fee a poor woman beat and abus'd by a 
 brute, you would not. 
 
 Sneak. Oh Lord, I can hold out no 
 longer ! why, brother Bruin, you have fet 
 her a veeping : my life, my lovy, don't 
 
 veep :
 
 OF GARRATT. 43 
 
 veep : did I ever think 1 fliould have made 
 my Molly to veep ? 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Lafl legs ! you lubberly 
 
 [Strikes him. 
 
 Sir Jac. Oh, fye ! Molly. 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. What, are you leagu'd 
 againfi me, Sir Jacob ? 
 
 Sir Jac. Prithee, don't expofe yourfelf 
 before the whole parifh : but what has 
 been the occafion of this ? 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Why has not he gone and 
 made himfelf the fool of the fair ? Mayor 
 of Garratt indeed ! ecod, I could trample 
 him under my feet. 
 
 Sneak. Nay, why fliould you grudge 
 me my purfarment r> 
 
 Mrs. Sneak. Did you ever hear fuch an 
 oaf? why thee wilt be pointed at wherever 
 thee goeft : lookye, Jerry, mind what I 
 fay ; go get 'em to chufe fomebody elfe, 
 or never come near me again. 
 
 Sneak. What (hall Ido, father Sir Jacob? 
 
 Sir Jac. Nay, daughter, you take this 
 thing in too ferious a light ; my honed neigh- 
 bours thought to compliment me : but 
 come, we'll fettle the bulinefs at once. 
 Neighbours, my fon Sneak being feldom 
 amongft us, the duty will never be done, 
 fo we will get our honeft friend Heel-Tap 
 to execute the office ; he is, I think every 
 way qualified. 
 
 Mob. A Heel-Tap! 
 
 Heel-Tap. What d'ye mean, as Matter 
 Jeremy's deputy ? Sir
 
 48 THE MAYOR, &C. 
 
 Sir Jac. Ay, ay, his Locum Tenens. 
 Sneak. Do, Crifpin : do be my Locum 
 
 Heel-Tap . Give me your hand, Mafter 
 Sneak, and to oblige you I will be the Lo- 
 cum Tenens. 
 
 Sir Jac. So, that is fettled ; but now to 
 heal the other breach : come, Major, the 
 gentlemenofyourclothfeldombearmalice j 
 let me interpofe between you and my fon. 
 
 Major. Your fon-in-law, Sir Jacob, does 
 deferve a caftigation; but on recolleclion, a 
 cit would but fully my arms. I forgive him. 
 
 Sir Jac. That's right ; as a token of 
 amity, and to celebrate our feaft, let us call 
 in the fiddles. Now if the Major had but 
 his fhoes, he mightjoin in a country dance. 
 
 Major. Sir Jacob, no fhot^s, a Major 
 muft be never out of his boots ; always 
 ready for aclion. Mrs. Sneak will find me 
 lightfome enough. 
 
 Sneak. What are all thevomen engaged? 
 why then my Locum Tenens and I will jig 
 together. Forget and forgive, Major. 
 
 Major. Freely, 
 
 Nor be it faid, that, after all my toil, 
 I ftain'd my regimentals by a broil. 
 To you I dedicate boots, fword, and (hield, 
 
 $ir Jac. As harmlefs in the chamber as 
 the field. 
 
 THE END.
 
 T H -E 
 
 ORATORS, 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY 1 
 
 O F 
 
 THREE ACTS. 
 
 WRITTEN 8T 
 
 By SAMUEL FOOTE, 
 
 AS PERFORMED AT 
 
 C&eatre Eopal irt t&e 
 
 WHERE MORE IS MEANT THAN MEETS THE EAR. 
 
 IL PEXSEROSO, 
 
 A NEW EDITION. 
 
 L O N D Ni 
 Printed for W* LOWNDES, W. NICOLL, and S. BLADON. 
 
 M DCC i.xxxvin. 
 Price One Shilling and Sixpence,
 
 LECTURER, 
 
 TS 
 
 PUPILS, &c. 
 
 T A C . 
 
 Mr. Foott; 
 Mr. We/Ion. 
 Mr. Pynn. 
 Mr. Quick. 
 Mr.JS annifler. 
 Mr. Daw's. 
 Mr. Loneman. 
 Mr. Cfl/Zfc. 
 Mr. Primer. 
 Mr. Strange. 
 Mr. SmftA. 
 Mr. Pearce. 
 Mr. ^T<?ew. 
 Mr. Gardiner. 
 Mr. Newton. 
 i Mr. SAutov
 
 THE 
 
 ORATORS. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Enfer Will Tirehack, and Harry Scamper, 
 booted, with Whips in their Hands, into 
 a Side-Box. 
 
 Scamper. 
 
 PSHAW ! zounds ! prithee, Will, let us 
 go ; what fignifies our flaying here ? 
 
 Tirehack. Nay, but tarry a little j befides, 
 you know we promifed to give Poll Baylifs 
 and Bett Skinner the meeting. 
 
 Scamper. No matter, we fhall be fure to 
 find them at three at the Shakfpeare. 
 
 Tirehack. But as we are here, Harry, let 
 us know a little what it's about ? 
 
 Scamper. About ! Why lectures, you fool ! 
 Have not you read the bills ? and we have 
 plenty of them at Oxford you know ! 
 
 Tirehack. Well, but for all that, there 
 may be fun. 
 
 Scamper. Why then, ftay and enjoy it 
 
 yourfelf ; and I'll ftep to the Bull and Gate, 
 
 and call upon Jeriy Lack-Latin, and my 
 
 horfe, We (hall fee you at three. \Rifing- 
 
 A a yi
 
 4 THE ORATORS. 
 
 Tirehack. Nay, but prithee, flay. 
 
 Scamper. Rot me if I do. 
 
 [Going out of the Box. 
 
 Tirehack. Halloo, Harry ! Harry 
 
 Scamper. Well, what's the matter now ? 
 
 [Returning. 
 
 Tirehack. Here's Poll Bayliis come into 
 the gallery. 
 
 Scamper. No 
 
 c Tirehack. She is, by 
 
 Scamper, [looking.'] Yes, faith ! it is me, 
 fure enough. How goes it, Poll? 
 
 Tirehack. Well, now, we mall have you, 
 I hope ? 
 
 Scamper. Ay, if I thought we mould get 
 any fun. 
 
 Tirehack. I'll make an enquiry* Halloo ! 
 fnuffers, fnurFers ! 
 
 Enter Candle-fnuffer. 
 
 Your,pleafure, Sir? 
 
 Tirehack. What is all this bufmefs about 
 - here ? 
 
 Snuffer. Can't fay, Sir. 
 
 Scamper. Well but you could if you would, 
 let us into the fecret. 
 
 Snuffer. Not I, upon my honour ! 
 
 Tirehack. Your honour, you fon of a 
 whore ! D'ye hear, bid your mafter come 
 hither, we want to alk him a queftiou. 
 
 Snuffer. 1 will [Exit. 
 
 Tirehack.
 
 THE ORATORS. 5 
 
 *Tirehack. Scamper, will you afk him, or 
 
 I ? 
 Scamper. Let me alone to him 
 
 Enter F O O T E. 
 
 ^Tirehack. O ! here he is- 
 
 Foote. Your commands with me, gentle- 
 men ? 
 
 Scamper. Why, yon muft know Will and 
 I here are upon a fcheme from Oxford ; and 
 becaufe cafh begins to run low How much 
 have you, Will ? 
 
 Tireback. Three and twenty millings, be- 
 fides the crown 1 paid at the door. 
 
 Scamper. And 1 eighteen; now, as this 
 will laft us hut to-night, we are willing- to 
 hufband our time; let us fee, Will, how are 
 we engaged? 
 
 Tirehack. Why at three, with Bett and 
 Poll, there, at the Shakfpeare ; after that 
 to the Coronation ; for you know we have 
 feen it but nine times 
 
 Scamper. And then back to the Shak- 
 fpeare again ; where we fup, and take horfe 
 at the door. 
 
 Tirehack. So there's no time to be loft, 
 you fee; we dtfire, therefore, to know what 
 lort of a thing this affair here of yours is f ? 
 What, is it damn'd funny and comical ? 
 
 Foote. Have you not feen the Bills ? 
 
 Scamper. What, about the lectures ? ay, 
 
 but that's all flang, \ luppofe; no, no. No 
 
 A 3 tricks
 
 6 THE ORATORS. 
 
 tricks upon travellers ; no, we know 
 
 What, are there any more of you ; or do 
 
 you do it all yourfelf ? 
 
 Foote. if I was in want of comedians, you 
 gentlemen, are kind enough to lend me a 
 lift; but upon my word, my Intentions, as 
 the bill will inform you, are ferious- r- 
 
 Tirehack. Are they ? then I'll have my 
 money again. What, do you think we come 
 to London to learn any thing ? Come, 
 Will. [Going. 
 
 Foote. Hold, Gentleman, I would detain, 
 you if poflible. What is it you expedl ? 
 
 Scamper. To be jolly, and laugh, to be 
 fure 
 
 Foote. At what ? 
 
 Tirehack. At what damme, I don't 
 
 know at you, and your frolicks and fan- 
 cies 
 
 Foote. If that is all you defire, why^ 
 perhaps we {han't difappoint you 
 
 Scamper. Shan't you? why; that is an 
 honed fellow come, begin 
 
 Foote. But you'll be io kind as not to 
 interrupt me ? 
 
 Scamper. Never fear 
 
 Foote. Ladies and gentlemen 
 
 [Suds Jrom the oppojtte box calls to 
 Foote, and Jlops him fiort. 
 
 Suds. Stop a minute; may I be permitted 
 to fpeak? 
 
 Foote. Doubtlefs, Sir 
 
 Suds,
 
 THE ORATORS. 7 
 
 Suds, why the affair is this: My wife 
 Alice for you muft know my name is 
 Ephraim Suds, I am a foap-boiler in the 
 city, took it into her head, and nothing 
 would ferve her turn, hut that I muft be a 
 .common-council man this year ; for, fays 
 Alice, fays Jhe, It is the onliefl way to rife 
 in the world. 
 
 Foote. A juft obfervation- you fucceeded? 
 
 Suds. Ohl there was no danger of that 
 yes, yes, I got it all hollow 5 but now to 
 .come to the marrow of the bufiuefs. Well, 
 Alice, fays I, now I am chofen, what's 
 next to be done ? " Why now, fays Alice, 
 *' Jays foe, thee muft learn to make fpeeches; 
 " why doft not fee what purferment neigh- 
 " hour Grogram has got ; why man, 'tis 
 *' all brought about by his fpeechifying. I 
 " tell thee what, Ephraim, if thee can'ii 
 " but once learn to lay down the law, 
 *' there's no knowing to what thee may 'ft 
 # rife. " ' 
 
 Foote. Your lady had reafon. 
 
 Suds. Why I thought fo too; and, as good 
 luck would have it, who mould come into 
 the city, in the very nick of time, but 
 rnafter profeflbr along with his ledlures 
 Adod, away ? in a hurry, Alice and 1 danced 
 to Pewterers-Hall. 
 
 Foote. You improved, I hope ? 
 
 Suds. O Lud ! it is unknown what 
 
 knowledge w got; we can read Oh! we 
 
 A 4 never
 
 8 THE ORATORS. 
 
 never flop to fpell a word now and then 
 he told us fuch things about verbs, and 
 nouns, and adverbs, that never entered our 
 heads before, and emphafis, and accent; 
 heaven blefs us, J did not .think there had 
 been fnch things in the world. 
 
 Foote. And have you fpeechifed yet ? 
 
 Suds. Soft; foft and fair; we muft walk 
 before we can run I think I have laid a 
 pretty foundation. The Maniion-houfe was 
 not built in a day, Matter Poote. But to go 
 on with my tale, my dame one day looking 
 over the paper?, came running to me ; Now, 
 Ephraim, fays fhc, thy bufmeis is done; rare 
 news, lad; here is a man at the other end of 
 the town, that will make thee a Jpeecher at 
 once, and out ihe pull'd your propoials. Ah, 
 Alice, fays I, thee be'fl but a fool, why I 
 know that man, he is all upon his fun; he 
 leclure why, 'tis all but a bam Well, ^tis 
 but leeing, fays fhe, fo, wo/ens nolens, (he 
 would have me come hither; now if io be 
 you be ferious, I mail think my money wifely 
 beftowed; but if it be only your comical 
 works, 1 can tell you, you lhall fee me no 
 more. 
 
 Foote. Sir, I mould be extremely forry to 
 Jofc you; if I knew but what would content 
 you? 
 
 Suds. Why, I want to be made an orator 
 oni and to ipcak ipeeches, as 1 tell you, at 
 
 our
 
 THE ORATORS. 9 
 
 our meetings, about politicks, and peace, 
 and addrefles, and the new bridge, and all 
 them kind of things. 
 
 Foote. Why, with your happy talents I 
 mould think much might be done. 
 
 Suds. I am proud to hear you fay fb. 
 Indeed I am. I did Jpeechify once at a 
 veflry concerning new lettering the church 
 buckets, and came off cutely enough ; and, 
 to fay the truth, that was the thing that 
 provoked me to go to Pewterers-Hall. 
 
 [Sits down again. 
 
 Foote. Well, Sir, I flatter myfelf, that in 
 proportion to the difference of abilities in 
 your two inftrulors, you will here make a 
 tolerable progrefs. But now, Sir, with your 
 favour, we will proceed to explain the nature 
 of our defign, and I hope, in the procefs, 
 you, gentlemen, will find entertainment, 
 and you, Sir, information. 
 
 J(fr. FOOTE then proceeded in his letlure. 
 
 My plan, gentlemen, is to be confidered as 
 a fuperuruclure on that admirable foundation 
 laid by the modern profeflbr of Englifh, both 
 our labours tending to the fame general end; 
 the perfeclioni ng of our countrymen in a moft 
 eflential article, the right ufe of their native 
 language. 
 
 But what he has happily begun, I have the 
 vanity to think I have as happily nnifhed; he 
 has, it is true, introduced you into the body of 
 
 the
 
 f o THE ORATORS. 
 
 the church, but I conduct you into the choir 
 of the cathedral : Or, to explain myfelf by 
 a more familiar allulion, though he is the 
 Pol tier who teaches you the ftep and the 
 grounds; yet I am the Gallini who gives you 
 the air, and the grace of the minuet. 
 
 His aim is propriety alone; mine propriety 
 with elegance. 
 
 For though reading, fo fhamefully neglect? 
 d, not only by thofc of tender years, but the 
 adult; not only by children, but even by grown 
 men and women ; not only in our private fe- 
 minarie?, but in our public univerfities; is al- 
 lowed to be a neceiTary ingredient towards the 
 formation of an orator ; yet, a great many 
 other rules, a great many other precepts are 
 requifite to obtain this perfection. 
 
 Nay, perhaps we might, to fupport an argu- 
 ment without the danger of a defeat, at leaf! 
 if we may truft obfervation, that of all the 
 profeflions that require a verbal intercourfe 
 with the public, there is no one to which 
 reading is of fo little utility as that of oratory. 
 
 I need not infill upon this head, as I ber 
 3ieve every gentlemen's experience will fur-r 
 nifh him with inftances of men eminent in 
 oratory, who, from an early vivacity have 
 neglected, or the indulgence of their parents 
 have been emancipated from the attention and 
 application neceiTary, it i.s true, to acquire 
 this rugged art, but at the fame time io ill- 
 fuited to their tender years, and io oppofite to 
 
 thofe
 
 THE ORATORS. n 
 
 thofe innocent amufements in which children 
 are known univerfally to delight. Thwart not 
 a child, for you fpoil his temperis, or at leaffc 
 ought to be, an Engliili proverb, as it is an 
 umverfal practice. 
 
 I would not here be underftood to depre- 
 ciate the ufefulnefs of reading, or to detract 
 from the exceeding merit of the profeffor's 
 plan; no, my meaning is only ju ft to drop 
 a hint that I may occaiionally ufe him as a 
 walking flick; a kind of an elegantly clouded 
 Mocoa, or an airy Anamaboo : yet, that it is 
 by no means my intention to depend upon 
 him asafupport, or lean upon him as a crutch, 
 in a word, he will be rather ornamental than 
 neceiFary to me. 
 
 But ufelefs as is his plan to me, I fincerely 
 wifh itfuccefs for the fake of the public; and 
 if my influence was equal to my inclination, 
 I would have a law enacted, upon the plan of 
 the militia bill, that annually, or biennially, 
 draughts mould be made from every parifh of 
 two, three, or more, as in that adt of able- 
 bodied, fo in this of intelligent perfons, who 
 at the expence of the feveral counties, ihould 
 be fent to the capital, and there compelled to 
 go through as many courfes of the profeflbr's 
 lectures as he {hall deem fufficient: thus, by 
 thofe periodical rural detachments, the whole 
 nation will, in a few years, be completely 
 Icrved, and a flock of learning laid in, that 
 will laft till time (hall be no more. 
 
 Would
 
 12 THE ORATORS. 
 
 Would our rulers but adopt this fcheme! 
 how fuperior would England be even to the 
 moft illuftrious periods of Greece and Rome! 
 what an unrivalled happinefs for us, what an 
 eternal fund of fame for them! Ye Solons, ye 
 Lycurgus's, ye Numa's, hide your diminimed 
 heads; fee what a revolution two laws in a few 
 years have produced ; fee a whole people, funk 
 in more than Gothic ignorance, accuftomed 
 to no other iron implements than the pacific 
 plough-fhare, or the harmleis fpade, {tart out 
 at once profound fcholars and veteran foldiers : 
 If at this happy period, a Frenchman, think T 
 ing any thing out of his own country worthy 
 his attention, mould condefcend to pay this 
 kingdom a vifit, methinks, 1 anticipate the 
 account he will give of us at his return, (like 
 his coutryman of old, who, at the taking of 
 Rome, burning into the capitol, and there 
 finding the fenate fixed and immovable in 
 their feats, declared them an aflembly of 
 kings,) fo will he at once pronounce the 
 whole Britim nation to be an army of gene- 
 rals, and one congregation of doctors. Happy 
 country! where the Arma 6? Yoga are fo for- 
 tunately blended, as to prevent all contention 
 for the pre-eminence. 
 
 I know but one objection that can be made 
 to this plan, and that merely a temporary 
 one ; that the culture of our lands will fuftain 
 an infinite injury, if fuch a number of pea- 
 iants were to deparpchiate, there being already 
 
 fcarce
 
 THE ORATORS. 13 
 
 fcarce hands fufficient, from the recruits con- 
 ftantly made for Germany, &c. ,&c. &c. to 
 carry on the common bufmefs of hufbandry. 
 But what are riches, perifhabte commo- 
 dities, glittering, tranfitory, fallacious goods, 
 when compared to the fubftantial, incorrupt- 
 ible endowments of the mind ! this truth is 
 indeed, happily inculcated by an old Englifli 
 adage ; 
 
 " When lands and goods are gone and fpent, 
 " Then learning is mod excellent." 
 
 This feniible and poetical difHch, I would 
 recommend to Mr. ProfefTor, as a motto for 
 his intended treatife; but I fuppofe he is al- 
 ready well provided with an apt Latin, if not 
 a Greek one, to either of which I muft yield 
 the preference. 
 
 But to wave this ethical argument; I think 
 I can eafily foil the force of this objection, by 
 a natural and obvious Succedaneum. Suppofe a 
 claufe was to be added to the bill for the im- 
 portation of tallow, raw hides, and live cattle 
 from Ireland, that, during this literary emigra- 
 tion, a fufficient number of inhabitants of that 
 country may be tranfported hither to fupply 
 the vacancy : but here it mud be obferved, 
 that for this purpofe an aft of parliament is 
 indifpenfibly neceffary ; for though it would 
 be difficult, if not impollibje, for us, in our 
 prefent condition, to get in even our harvefts, 
 -without the aid of hands annuallv exported 
 
 for
 
 14 THE ORATORS. 
 
 for that purpofe from Ireland ; yet this is at 
 bell but an illicit trade, and the men them- 
 felves are to be confidered under the article of 
 fmuggied goods : a very heavy penalty being- 
 laid by ftatute on all mailers of veffels, who 
 ihall venture to import any of the abovecited 
 comniodity into this realm, without fpecial 
 licence ; to this purpofe I recollect a cafe in 
 point, the fifth of William and Mary, Ban. 
 Reg. The King contra Oflaarty. Vide V. 
 Rep. vol. iii. chap. 9. page 4. 
 
 But if this mould be thought by the people 
 in power too great an indulgence to the Irilh^ 
 as we have never been remarkably profufe in 
 our favours to our loyal and affectionate fifler, 
 I fee no other method of redreffing the ima- 
 ginary evil, than by exempting from this 
 fervice all the males till a general peace, and 
 accepting, in their room, a fuitable number 
 of diicreet middle-aged females; and thefe 
 when they have been properly perfected ifi 
 the myfteries of our language, may be re- 
 turned to their feveral parishes, and there 
 form little infantine communities of literati; 
 \vhich will be a ilock for the fucceeding 
 
 feneration; and, indeed, upon confederation,, 
 don't know whether this won't prove the 
 bed method for the introduction and univer- 
 fal propagation of the plan. 
 
 For the Englim common people, naturally 
 fullen and obfHnate, and religioufly attached 
 to their old cuftoms, might be (hocked and 
 
 fcan-
 
 THE ORATORS. +i% 
 
 fcandalized to fee, at one bold ftroke, the 
 fefcues and fafces, which have been, from 
 time immemorial, configned to one, or more 
 matron in every village, ravifhed at once from 
 their hands, and delivered over to the ad- 
 miniftration of the oppofite fex. 
 
 But to return to my own fubjeft, frorri 
 which my zeal for Mr. ProfefTor y s fuccefs 
 has tempted me to make rather too long a 
 digreffion. 
 
 When I ventured to affirm that the profef- 
 iion of an Orator might exift independently 
 of an accurate knowledge of the arrangement,- 
 and different combinations of the four-and- 
 twenty letters, fo far as (In the 'words of the 
 Profejfor) they relate to their being the arbi-< 
 trary marks of meaning upon paper} yet, I 
 would not be underftcod to affert this gene- 
 rally, as to every fpecies of oratory* but to 
 confine myfelf to thofe particular branches 
 only, where the orator's own mind fuggefts 
 the matter that his own mouth difcharges: 
 For inftance, now, as when affairs of irate 
 are weighed at a common-council, religious 
 points militated at the Robin-Hood, the arts 
 and fciences handled in the Strand, or politicks 
 debated near Weitminfter-abbey; here the 
 arguments and words given are fuppofed to 
 arile from the immediate impulfe of the 
 giver ; but where they are concurrent agents, 
 as in the oratory peculiar to the pulpit and 
 the fbge, where one individual furnifhes 
 
 the
 
 >6 THE ORATORS. 
 
 the matter, and another adminifters the 
 manner, the cafe is widely different. 
 
 In the firftinftance, a tolerable proficiency 
 in reading is indifpenfibly requifite, as fcarce 
 any memory but the late Mr. Heydegger's 
 could retain, to any degree of certainty, the 
 various parts of the Liturgy, the Old and 
 New Teflament, briefs, faculties, excommu- 
 nications, &c. &c. &c. and a hpfe on thofe 
 folemn occafions might be attended with very 
 aukward circumftances; nor would I here be 
 fuppofed to infmuate, that the pieces of 
 oratory delivered from the pulpit are not the 
 compofition of the deliverer; no This is fo 
 far from being generally the cafe, that I have 
 often heard complaints made againft parti- 
 cular agents, that they have forced upon their 
 congregations their own crude and infipid 
 productions, when,- at the fame time, their 
 native language would furnifh them with fo 
 extenfive and noble a collection of admirable 
 materials. But here the auditor j unlefs he be 
 well read in theology, may be led into a 
 miitake; for there are fome men, who, by a 
 particular happinefs in their manner, have the 
 addrefs to make the works of other men fo 
 abfolutely their own, that there is no dif- 
 tinguifhing the difference; at this the poet 
 hints in his male dum red fas, &c. For thefe 
 various reafons, I think a warm application 
 to the art of reading cannot be too ilrongly 
 
 recom-
 
 THE ORATORS. 17 
 
 Recommended to the profeffors of this kind 
 of oratory. 
 
 With regard to the profefTors of the ftage, 
 tho^ reading is undoubtedly ufeful, yet, as the 
 performer is t6 repeat, and not to read, the 
 deficiency may be fupplied by the intro- 
 duction of a third agent, viz. a perfon to 
 read to him till the words are rooted in his 
 rhemory. This expedient, tho* tedious, I 
 have known frequently praciifed with good 
 fuccefs: little blunders will now and then 
 unavoidably arife, either from the mifappre- 
 henfion of the fecond agent, or the ignorance 
 or waggery of the third; but thefe flips are 
 generally uilobferved, or, thro* inattention or 
 indulgence, overlooked by an audience. But 
 to return to the coniideration of my own 
 plan, from which no temptation fhall, for 
 the future feduce me to digrefs. 
 
 We will firlt, then, confidef the utility of* 
 oratory, 
 
 Secondly, the diftiiidfc and various kinds, or 
 fpecies, of that fcience, as they are praciifed 
 at this day in this kingdom. 
 
 Thirdly, We will demonftrate, that every 
 branch of Englifh oratory is peculiarly our 
 own, owes its rife, progrefs, and perfection 
 to this country* and was not only unknown 
 to the ancients, but is intirely repugnant to 
 all thofe principles they have endeavoured to 
 efhbliih. 
 
 B Fourthly,
 
 i8 THE ORATORS. 
 
 Fourthly, that any rhetorical fyftem now 
 exifting, inftead of a crofs in the hands, with 
 letters to direct you on your road, will prove 
 only but a Will in the Wifp, to confound, 
 perplex and bewilder you. 
 
 Fifthly, from hence will refult a neceffity 
 for the immediate eftabltmment of an aca- 
 demy, for the promulgation and inculcation 
 of modern oratory. 
 
 To which academy, the author of thefe 
 propofals does hope, fixthly, that he fhall be 
 appointed perpetual profeffor. 
 
 Perhaps it may not be impertinent here to 
 obferve, that the author has induftrioufly 
 avoided, and will, in the courfe of this 
 treatife, avoid all poetical allufion, all gran- 
 deur of expreffion, all fplendor or* diction; in 
 fhort, renounce every rhetorical prop, as 
 knowing that, on didactic fubjects, order, 
 fimplicity, and perfpicuity, are the means to 
 gain his end> which is not to gratify the 
 imagination, but to improve and polifh the 
 undemanding of my countrymen. 
 
 Firft, then, we are to demonftrate the uti- 
 lity of oratosy : and, this, we flatter ourfelves, 
 will, in a'great meafure, be evident from the 
 confederation of its univerfality, and the di- 
 ftindions it procures, both lucrative and 
 honourable', to any man eminent in the art. 
 
 There is", by the contlitution of this king- 
 dom, an aflembly of. many individuals, who, 
 as the kventh (on of a feventh ion is born a 
 
 phyfrcian,
 
 THE ORATORS. 19 
 
 phyfician, are orators by hereditary right; 
 that is, by birth they are enabled to give their 
 opinions and fentiments on all fubje&s, where 
 the intereft of their country is concerned : To 
 this we are to add another affembly, confift- 
 ing of 558 individuals, where, tho' the fame 
 privilege is enjoyed as in the firft inftance, yet 
 this advantage is not pofleffed in virtue of any 
 inherent natural right, but is obtained in 
 confequence of an annual, triennial, or fep- 
 tennial deputation from the whole body of 
 the people ; if then we add to this lift the 
 number of all thofe candidates who are am- 
 bitious of this honour, with the infinite 
 variety of changes that a revolution of twenty 
 years will produce, we cannot eftimate thofe 
 funds of national orators in ejfe, poffe, and 
 ve/le, to a fmaller quantity than 20,000; and 
 this, I believe, by the difciples of Demoivre, 
 will bethought a very moderate computation. 
 The two orders of the long robe next de- 
 mand our attention; and as the pre-eminence 
 is unqueftionably due to the preifthood, let 
 us confider what number of perfbns is necef- 
 fary to fupply that fervice ? England is divided 
 into nine thouiand nine hundred and thirteen 
 parifhes : now, if we fuppofe two paftors for 
 every parifh, this learned body will be found 
 to confift of nineteen thoufand eight hundred 
 and twenty-fix individuals ; but as the moft 
 facred characters are no more exempted from 
 that fatal ftroke that puts a temporary period 
 B 2 to
 
 so THE ORATORS. 
 
 to our exiftence, than the profane, it i^ 
 neceffary that a provilion ihould be made of 
 fit and ableperfons ; fo that at all events there 
 be no lack of labourers in this plentiful vine- 
 yard : nor has the policy of this nation been 
 fo blinded as not to guard agafnft this poffible 
 contingency, by erecting ichools, feminaries, 
 and universities, in which a convenient quan- 
 tity of our youth are properly trained, in 
 order to fill up chafms which may be occa- 
 fionally made by the infatiablefcythe of death. 
 Jf then we eflimate this corps de referve at the 
 half only of the {landing force, we (hall find 
 the army entire amount to 29,739. 
 
 I forefee that an objection will be mad$ to 
 this calculation, viz. That two paftors to 
 every parifh is a moft exorbitant and improb- 
 able charge ; for that many parilhes, from 
 impropriations, appropriations, and other 
 accidents, inftead of two, are fcarce able to 
 lupport one paftor; and that this complaint 
 is almoil general throughout the whole 
 principality of Wales, where many indivi- 
 duals of this refpectable order, to the great 
 damage of t;heir dignity, are obliged to have 
 recourie to very unclerical profeffions for the 
 fupport of themfelves and families. 
 
 This objection we will allow its t full force; 
 but then if it be coniidered that in our 
 original eftimate we omitted all deans, canons, 
 prebends, heads and fellows of colleges, 
 chaplains to ihips, regiments, and private 
 
 families,
 
 THE ORATORS. *i 
 
 families, together with the whole body of 
 diflenting minifters of all denominations, 
 -field-preachers, and pari(h clerks, I believe 
 we (hall be thought rather to have diminifhed 
 than exaggerated the real quantity. 
 
 As I have not been able to get admittance 
 to the archives of the feveral inns of court in 
 this metropolis, I am afraid we (hall not be 
 able to determine, with the fame degree of 
 certainty, the exact number of thole who 
 have devoted their lives and labours to the 
 explanation and due execution of our muni- 
 cipal laws: I am, therefore, obliged to depend 
 on circumftantial evidence, which, in fome 
 cafes, is admitted, even in our courts, to have 
 equal force with proof pofitive. 
 
 And here the reafon of the law (as the law 
 is the perfection of reafon) is extremely clear. 
 To illuftrate this by an inftance : 
 
 A fwears a robbery againft B ; A may 
 lye, or at leaft be miftaken j but if the 
 goods ftolen from A> and previoufly defcribed 
 by him, are found, with their mark, in the 
 poffeflion of B, B not being able to account 
 for luch pofleliion, that circumftance (hall be 
 deemed of at lead equnl weight againft B, as 
 if A was to fvvear positively to the perional 
 identity of B. This being the practice of the 
 courts, we (hall proceed, with all poffible 
 expedition (which, indeed, is not the practice 
 of the courts), to produceour proofs c ire um- 
 ftantial. As in the former inftance we have 
 B 3 grounded
 
 2 2 THE ORATORS. 
 
 grounded our calculation on the number of 
 parimes, we mall in this derive our compu- 
 tation from. the number of houfes in the 
 kingdom. 
 
 To any man tolerably acquainted with the 
 country of England, it is unnecefTary to ob- 
 ierve, that not only in every town, but almoft 
 in every hamlet through which he travels, his 
 eyes are conftantly caught by the appearance 
 of a fmart houfe, prefaced with white rails, 
 and prologued by a red door, with a brafs 
 knocker ; when you defire to be acquainted 
 with the name and quality of the owner of 
 this manfion, you are always told that it 
 belongs to lawyer fuch a one : now, if a 
 hamlet containing thirty houfes, with per- 
 haps an environ of an equal number, where 
 labour and the fruits of the earth are the 
 only fources of wealth, can fupport one 
 attorney in this rural magnificence, what 
 an infinite number of lawyers can a com- 
 merical capital fuftain ? But becaufe I would 
 rather retrench than exceed, I will only 
 quarter one attorney upon fifty houfes. The 
 number of houfes in the reign of George 
 the Firft ( fince which time the quantity is 
 confiderably encreafcd, ) , was computed at 
 1,175,951. The number of attorneys then 
 will be 23,5 1 8; and, if we reckon one barrifter 
 to twenty attorneys, the fum total is 24,693. 
 I know it will be here objected, that but 
 one finall part of this numerous body can be 
 
 benefited
 
 THE ORATORS. 23 
 
 benefited by my plan, the privilege of 
 fpeaking publickly being permitted to the 
 luperior order, the barrifters alone: but this 
 criticifm is confined to the obfervation of 
 what paflfes merely in Weft minder- Hall, 
 without confidering that, at every quarter and 
 petty feffion at all county-courts, courts-leet, 
 courts-baron, &c. &c. &c. full power of 
 pleading is permitted to every praclitioner 
 of the law. 
 
 As the number of thofe who incorporate 
 themfelves to promote, not only with their 
 cam but their counfel, the progrefs of the arts 
 and fciences, is unlimitted, it will be impof- 
 iible for any fixed period to afcertain their 
 quantity: nor can we, with any certainty, as 
 the Court-Regifter has been filent to the 
 members of common-council, determine the 
 amount of the city orators; befides, as what 
 has been already offered is more than fufficient 
 to prove the utility of our Icheme from its 
 univerfality, we mall not trouble our readers 
 nor ourfelves with any further calculations; 
 for tho* they are replete with great depth of 
 knowledge, are the refult of intente appli- 
 cation, and the vehicles of mathematical 
 truths, yet to the million the difquifition is 
 but dry and tedious, and our purpofe always 
 was, and is, to mix with our iuflruction a 
 proper portion of deleclion. 
 
 We will, therefore, for thefe reafons, 
 
 haften to the coniideration of the iecond point 
 
 B 4 propoled;
 
 4 THE ORATORS. 
 
 propofed, viz. An inquiry into the various 
 kinds of oratory now exifting in this country. 
 And we mall not, on this occafion, trouble 
 ourfelves. with the inveftigation of all the 
 fmaller branches of this art; but, like the 
 profeflbrs in anatomy, consenting ourfelves 
 with the difleclion of the noble parts, remit 
 the examination of the ignoble ones to the 
 care of fubaltern artifts. Leaving, then, to the 
 minute Philofophers of the age all the orar 
 tors of veftries, clubs, and coffee- houfes,Ptf/0 
 major a canamus; and for the better illuftration 
 of this head, permit me, reader, to be a little 
 fanciful. We will fuppofe oratory to be one 
 large tree, of which tree fcience is thefW/*; 
 eloquence the trunk; from which trunk 
 fprout nine di{tinc~r. ramifications ; from which 
 ramifications depends a fruit peculiar to each. 
 But to make this clearer, we will prefenf 
 thee with the tree itfelf, not enigmati- 
 cally hieroglyfied, but plainly and palpably 
 pourtrayed. 
 
 Jrchbijhops
 
 THE ORATORS. - 
 
 But here, reader, let me not arrogate to 
 myfelf the merit of this happy explication; I 
 own the hint was. firfl: given me with my 
 Grammar, The ingenious, profound Lilly, 
 after he has led his pupils through the vari- 
 ous, and almoft impervious provinces of 
 nouns, pronouns, verbs, participles, and ad- 
 verbs, conducts them to the foot of that ar- 
 duous and jftupendous mountain Qui Mibi: 
 here, dreading left their youthful ardour might 
 be damp'd with the fteep afcent, he reani- 
 mates their flackened nerves wirh the myftic 
 piclure of an apple-tree, the accefs to vvhofe 
 Roughs, though tedious and difficult, will 
 
 yet
 
 2 6 THE ORATORS. 
 
 yet be amply rewarded by leave to revel 
 uncontrouled through the whole region of 
 pepins. May the lufcious fruit fprouting 
 from the apex of each of my ramifications 
 prove an equal fpur to every beardlefs orator ! 
 
 I don't know whether the mentioning 
 another order of orators, as they are not at 
 prefent exifting in this kingdom, may not be 
 deemed an impropriety. But as I am a fin- 
 cere/lover of my country, I can't help re- 
 commending an immediate importation of 
 ibme of thofe ufeful and able artifts. Sir 
 William Temple, in his Eflay on Poetry, 
 has recorded their virtues ; and as the race 
 was not extinguished in his time, it is to be 
 hoped that it ftill remains. 
 
 In Ireland, fays Sir William, the great 
 men of their fepts, among many officers of 
 their family, had not only a phyfician, a 
 huntfman, a fmith, and fuch like, but a 
 poet and tale-teller. 
 
 The firft recorded and fung the actions of 
 their anceftors, and entertained the company 
 at feafts ; the latter amufed them with tales, 
 when they were melancholy and could not 
 fleep : and a very gallant gentleman has told 
 me, of his own experience, that in his wolf- 
 hunting there, when he uied to be abroad in 
 the mountains three or four days together, 
 and lye very ill at nights, fo as he could not 
 well deep, they would bring one of thofe 
 talc-tellers, that when he lay down would 
 
 begin
 
 THE ORATORS. 27 
 
 begin a ftory of a king, or a giant, a dwarf 
 and a damfel, and continue all night long in 
 fuch an even tone that you heard him going 
 on whenever you awakened ; and he believed 
 nothing any phyficians could give had fo 
 good and fo innocent an effect to make men 
 ileep in any pains or diftempe.rs of body or 
 mind. Thefe areSirWilliam Temple's words, 
 which contain an amazing inftance of the 
 power of thofe orators over the paffions, it 
 requiring full as much art and addrefs to af- 
 fuage and quell, as to blow up, and excite, 
 a tumult in the mind. 
 
 In a bill not long fince depending in par- 
 liament, for the better regulating the city- 
 watch, a claufe was recommended, by a late 
 refpectable magiftrate, that, to prevent the 
 watchmen from fleeping at nights on bulks 
 (the fource of many diforders) the faid watch- 
 men mould be compelled to deep fix hours in 
 the day ; an arch member feconded the mo- 
 tion, and begged to be included in this claufe ; 
 for that being grievoufly afflicted with the 
 gout, he could not for many days fleep a lingle 
 wink ; now if he could be compelled to take 
 a fix hours fleep eveiy day, he apprehended 
 that his fits would be of a much morter du- 
 ration. Upon this dry comment, the mo- 
 tion was ralhly rejected ; but if the houfe had 
 received the leafl intimation of the aftonim- 
 ing abilities of the Rockers, (for by that ap- 
 pellation 1 choofe to diflinguim this order of 
 
 orators,)
 
 eg THE ORATORS. 
 
 orators,) I am convinced that the above 
 claufe would not only have been received, but 
 that proper encouragement would have been 
 given, by parliament, for the introduction and 
 eftablifhment of this ufeful oratorical feel. 
 
 Nor, indeed contidering the vaft addition 
 to our cuftomary cares, from the unaccount- 
 able fluctuation of our funds, the caufe of con- 
 cern to many thoufand individuals, do I think 
 a vifit from a convenient quantity of thofe 
 artifts would be now out of feafon ; but how 
 this honour is to be obtained, whether any of 
 thefe great men are now refiding ainongft us, 
 under the difguifc of chairmen and hackney- 
 coachmen; or whether it would not be more 
 advifeable to employ thofe gentlemen who 
 have fo lately and iuccefsfully rummaged the 
 Highlands of Scotland and Ireland for the 
 remains of Runic poetry iix fearch of the 
 ableft profeflbrs; is fubmitted to the Society 
 for the Encouragement of Arts. 
 
 I am aware that, on this occafion, fome 
 arch wag, poflefled of the fame fpirit with the 
 above fenator, will object to my fcheme of 
 importation, by aliedging, that we have of our 
 own growth an ample provifion of rockers, 
 and refer us for proof to our feveral churches 
 and chapels, during the hours of eleven and 
 two on a Sunday, where the deep-compelling 
 power will be experimentally demonftrated 
 to exift in its full force amongft us; but not 
 to derogate from the abilities of my country- 
 men,
 
 THE ORATORS.; 39 
 
 men, furely the fhortnefs of the time, the 
 caufe of the nap, rarely continuing ahove 
 fifteen or fixteen minutes, will not admit of a 
 proper experiment: befides, how can one 
 orator fupply a whole parifh, nnlefs, indeed 
 our churches were to be converted into dor- 
 mitories, which I can't think will happen, 
 as this would be attended with inconvenien- 
 cies too obvious to need a recital. 
 
 Abftraded from this laft order, the Englim 
 orators are to be divided into four diftinft 
 claffes, the pulpit, the fenate, the bar, and the 
 ftage ; with the firli of thefe branches, the 
 pulpit, I than't interfere, and, indeed, fo few 
 people now of confequence and coniideration 
 frequent the churches, that the art is fcarce 
 worth cultivation. The bar 
 
 Scamper. Pfhaw! there's enough of this 
 dull proving; come, give us a little of fome- 
 thing that's funny; you talked about pupils. 
 Could not we fee them ? 
 
 Foote. Rather too precipitate, Sir; but 
 however, in fome meafure to fatisfy you, and 
 demonftrate the fuccefs of our fcheme; give 
 me leave to introduce to you a moft extraor- 
 dinary inftance, in the perfon of a young 
 Highlander. It is not altogether a year fince 
 this aftonifhing iiibjecl: fpoke nothing but 
 Erie. Encouraged by the prodigies of my 
 brother profefTor's ikill, whofe fame, like the 
 Chevalier Taylor's, pierces the remotdt 
 regions, his relations were tempted to fend 
 this young genius to Edinburgh; where he 
 
 went
 
 3 o THE ORATORS. 
 
 went through a regular courfe of the pro- 
 fetor's lectures, to rmifh his ftudies ; he has 
 been about fix weeks under my care, and, 
 confidering the time, I think you will be 
 amazed at his progrefs. Donald ! 
 
 Enter Donald. 
 
 What's yer wull, Sir? 
 
 Foots. Will you give thefe ladies and 
 gentlemen a proof of your fkill ? 
 
 Donald. Ah, ye wad ha* a fpecimen of my 
 oratorical art. 
 
 Foote. If you pleafe. 
 
 Donald. In gude troth on ye fal ; wol ye 
 gi' me a topick ? 
 
 Foote. O ! chufe for yourfelf. 
 
 Donald. Its aw one to Donald. 
 
 Foote. What think you of a mort pane- 
 gyrick on the fcience we are treating of? 
 
 Donald. On oratory ? wi* aw my heart. 
 
 Foote. Mind your action ; let that accom- 
 pany your words 
 
 Donald. Dunna heed, mon The topick I 
 prefum to haundle, is the miraculous gifts of 
 an orator, wha' by the bare power of his 
 words, he leads men, women, and bairns as 
 he lifts 
 
 Scamper. And who ? 
 
 Donald, [tartly, ,] Men, women, and bairns. 
 
 Scamper. Bairns ; who are they ? 
 
 Foote.
 
 THE ORATORS. 31 
 
 Foote. Oh ! children his meaning is 
 
 obvious enough. 
 
 Donald. Ay, ay; men, women, and bairns, 
 wherever he lifts ; and nrfl for the antiquity 
 of the art Ken ye, my lads, wha was the 
 firft orator ? Mayhap, ye think it was Tully 
 the Latinefl ; ye are wide o'the mark ; or 
 Demofthenes the Greek ? In gude troth, 
 
 ye' re as far off as before Wha was it 
 
 then ? It was e'en that arch-chiel, the 
 Deevil himfel 
 
 Scamper. \_HaJlily. ,] The devil it was ; how 
 do you prove that ? 
 
 Donald. Guds zounds, mon, ye brake the 
 thrid of my harang; an ye'll but ha'd yer 
 tongue, I'fe prove it as plain as a pike-ftaff. 
 
 firehacL Be quiet, Will, and let him 
 go on. 
 
 Donald. I fay it was that arch-chiel, the 
 Deevil himfel. Ye ken weel, my lads, how 
 Adam and Eve were planted in Eden, wi* 
 plenty o' bannocks and cail, and aw that 
 they wifhed, but were prohibited the eating 
 of pepins 
 
 Scamper. Apples 
 
 Donald. Weel, weel, and are na pepins 
 and apples aw the fame thing ? 
 
 Foote. Nay, pray, Gentlemen, hear him 
 out. Go on with your pepins 
 
 Donald. Prohibited the eating of pepins; 
 upon which what does me the orator Satan, 
 but he whifpers a faft fpeech in her lug ; 
 
 egad
 
 32 THE ORATORS. 
 
 egad our grannurri fell to in an inftant, ancj 
 eat a pepin without ftayitig to pare it 
 {Addrefftf himfelf to the Oxonians.'} Ken ye 
 lads, wha was the firfi orator, now ? 
 
 'Tirehack. [to Scamper."] What fay you to 
 that ? 
 
 Scamper. By my foul, the fellow's right * 
 
 Donald. Ay, but ye wan'na ha* patience * 
 ye wan'na ha' patience, lads 
 
 Tirehack. Hold your jaw, and go dii - 
 
 Donald. Now, we come to the definition 
 of an orator ; and it is from the Latin words 
 oro, orare, to intreat, or perfwad ; and how, 
 by the means o j elocution, or argument^ 
 which argument confifts o* letters, which 
 letters, joined mak fyllables, which fyllables 
 compounded mak words, which words com* 
 bined mak fentences, or periods, or which 
 aw together mak an orator, fo the firft gift 
 of an orator is words - . ~, 
 
 Scamper. Here, Donald, you are out. 
 
 Donald. How fo ? 
 
 Scamper. Words, the firft gift of* an orator ! 
 No, Donald, no, at fchool I learned better 
 than that : Do'fl: not remember, Will, what 
 is the firft perfection of an orator? action. 
 The fecond, action. The third, action. 
 
 'Tirthack. Right, right, Harry, as right as 
 my nail; there, Donald, I think he has 
 given you a dofe 
 
 Donald. An ye (lay me, i' the midft o* my 
 
 argument 
 
 Scamper.
 
 THE ORATORS. 33 
 
 ticamper. Why don't you ftick to truth? 
 
 Dwald. I tell ye, I can logically. 
 
 Tirehack. Damn your logick 
 
 Donald. Mighty weel Maifter Foote, 
 how ca' ye this ufage? 
 
 Foote. Oh! never mind them proceed. 
 
 Donald. In gude troth, I'fe nat fay ane 
 word mare. 
 
 Foote. Finifh, finifh, Donald. - 
 
 Donald. Ah ! they have jumbled aw my 
 ideas together; but an they will enter into 
 a fair argumentation, I'fe convince *em that 
 Donald Macgregor is mare than a match. 
 
 Scamper. You be 
 
 Donald. Very weel 
 
 Foote. Nay, but my dear Donald 
 
 Donald. Hands, aff, Maifter Foote 1 ha' 
 
 finifhed my tale, the De'el a word mare fal 
 ye get out o* Donald yer fervant, Sir. 
 
 [Ear//. 
 
 Foote. You fee, gentlemen, what your 
 impatience has loft us. 
 
 Scamper. Rot him, let him go ; but is this 
 fellow one of your pupils f why, what a 
 damnable twang he has got, with his men, 
 women, and bairns ! 
 
 Foote. His pronunciation is, I own, a little 
 irregular; but then confider he is but merely 
 a novice ; why, even in his prefent condition, 
 }ie makes no bad figure for his five minuses 
 at the Robin-Hood ; and in a month or two, 
 C we
 
 34 THE ORATORS. 
 
 we fhan't be afhamed to {tart him in a more 
 refpeftatye place. 
 
 But now, gentlemen, we are to defcend to 
 the peculiar effential qualities of each diftinft 
 fpecies of oratory ; and firft for the bar but 
 as no didaclic rules can fo well convey, or 
 words make a proper impreffion, we will 
 have recourfe to more palpable means, and 
 endeavour, by a lively imitation, to demon- 
 ftrate the extent of our art. We muft, for 
 this end, employ the aid of our pupils ; but 
 as fome preparation is neceflary, we hope 
 you will indulge us in a fhort interruption. 
 
 End of the Firfi 
 
 ACT
 
 THE ORATORS. 35 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 
 
 SCENE, A Hall of Jujllce. 
 
 Enter FOOTE. 
 
 THE firfl fpecies of Oratory we are to 
 demonftrate our (kill in, is that of the 
 bar j and, in order to give our le&ure an air 
 of reality, you are to fuppofe this a court of 
 juftice, furnifhed with proper minifters to 
 difcharge the neceflary functions. But, to 
 fupply thefe gentlemen with bufinefs, we 
 muft likewife institute an imaginary caufe ; 
 and, that the whole may be ideal, let it be 
 the profecution of an imaginary being; I 
 mean the phantom of Cock-lane, a phaeno- 
 menon that has much puzzled the brains, and 
 terrified the minds, of many of our fellow- 
 fubje&s. 
 
 You are to confider, ladies and gentlemen, 
 that the language of the bar is a fpecies of 
 oratory diftinft from every other. It has been 
 obferved, that the ornaments of this profef- 
 fion have not ftione with equal luftre in an 
 aflembly near their own hall ; the reafon 
 affigned, though a pleafant, is not the true one. 
 It has been hinted, that thefe gentlemen 
 were in want of their briefs ; but was that 
 C 2 the
 
 3 6 THE ORATORS. 
 
 '"the difeafe, the remedy would be eafy 
 enough : they need only have recourfe to. 
 the artifice fuccefsfully pra&ifed by fome 
 of their colleagues ; inftead of having their 
 briefs in their hands, to hide them at the 
 bottom of their hats. 
 
 [Calls to his pupils, who enter dreffed as a. 
 jujlice* a ckrk y a fcrjeant at law y and a. 
 counfellor ."] 
 
 You will remember, gentlemen, your 
 proper paufes, repetitions, hums, ha's, and 
 mterjeftions : now feat yourfelves, and you 
 the counfel remember to be mighty dull, 
 and you the juftice to fall afleep. I mufi 
 prepare to appear in this caufe as a witnefs. 
 
 \Exlt. 
 Jujlice. Clerk, read the Indi&ment. 
 
 Clerk Reads. 
 Middlefex, to wit. 
 
 Fanny Phantom^ you are indited, That on 
 or before the firir, day of January, 1762, you 
 the faid Fanny did, in a certain houfe, in a 
 certain ftreet, called Cock-lane, in the county 
 of Middleiex, maliciouily, treacherouily, 
 wickedly, and wilfully, by certain thump- 
 ings, knockings, fcratchings, and flutterings 
 againft doors, walls, wainfcots, bedfteads, and 
 bedpofts, difturb, annoy, affault, and terrify 
 divers innocent, inofFenfive, harmlefs, quiet, 
 iimple people, reiiding in, at, near or about 
 the faid Cock-lane, and elfewhere, in the faid 
 county of Middlefex, to the great prejudice 
 
 of
 
 THE ORATORS. 37 
 
 of faid people in faid county. How fay you, 
 guilty, or 
 
 Counfellor Jlops the Ckrk Jhort. 
 
 May it pleafe your worfhip *hem I am 
 
 counfel in this Caufe for the ghoft hem 
 
 and before I can permit her to plead, I have 
 an objection to make, that is hem I mall 
 object to her pleading at all. "Hem It is the 
 landing law of this country hem and has 
 hem-^-always been fo allowed, deemed, and 
 prac"tifed, that hem all criminals mould be 
 tried par pares, by their equals- hem that 
 is hem by a jury of equal rank with them- 
 felves. Now, if this be the cafe, as the cafe 
 it is ; I-^-hem I (hould be glad to know, 
 hew my client can be tried in this here 
 manner. And firft, who is my client ? She 
 is in the indictment called a phantom, a 
 ghoft; What is a ghoft ? a fpirit. What is a 
 fpirit ? a fpirit is a thing that exifts indepen- 
 dently of, and is fuperior to, flefh and blood. 
 And can any man go for to think, that I can 
 advife my client to fnbmit to be tried by 
 people of an inferior rank toherfelf ? certainly 
 DO I therefore, humbly move to fquafh this 
 indictment, unlefs a jury of ghofts be firft 
 had, and obtained; unleis a jury of ghofts be 
 firft had and obtained. [Sits down. 
 
 Servant. I am, in this caufe, Couniel 
 
 againft Fanny Phantom the ghoft ; eh 
 
 and notwithnanding the rule laid down by 
 
 3 M .
 
 3 8 THE ORATORS. 
 
 Mr. Profequi, be eh right in the main, 
 yet here it can't avail his client a whit. We 
 allow eh we do allow, pleafe your wor- 
 fhip, that Fanny quoad Phantom, eh had 
 originally a right to a jury of ghofts ; but - 
 eh if me did, by any aft of her own, forfeit 
 this right, her plea cannot be admitted. Now, 
 we can prove, pleafe your worlhip, prove by 
 a cloud of witnefles, that faid Fanny did, as 
 fpecified in the indictment, fcratch, knock, 
 and flutter ; eh which faid fcratchings, 
 knockings, and flutterings eh being ope- 
 rations, merely peculiar to flefh, blood, and 
 body eh we do humbly apprehend eh 
 that by condefcending to execute the afore- 
 faid operations, fhe has waved her privilege 
 as a ghoft, and may be tried in the ordinary- 
 form, according to the ftatute fo made and 
 provided in the reign of, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 Your worfhip's opinion. 
 
 Tirehack. Smoke the juflice, he is as faft 
 as a church. 
 
 Scamper. I fancy he has touched the tan- 
 kard too much this morning; he'll know a 
 good deal of what they have been faying. 
 
 Juftice. \Is waked by the Clerk, who tells 
 him they have pleaded.~\ Why the objection- 
 oh brought by Mr. Profequi, is (whifpers 
 the clerk) doubtlefs provifionally a valid objec- 
 tion ; but then, if the culprit has, by an aft 
 of her own, defeated her privilege, as aflertd 
 in Mr. Serjeant's replication; we conceive 
 
 fhe
 
 THE ORATORS. 39 
 
 (he may be legally tried oh, befides oh,- 
 befides, I, 1, I can't well fee how we 
 could impannei a jury of ghofts; or oh - 
 how twelve fpirits, who have no body at all 
 can be faid to take a corporal oath, as re- 
 quired by law unlefs, indeed, as in cafe of 
 the peerage, the priibner may be tried on 
 their honour. 
 
 Counfellor. Your worfhip's diftin&ion is 
 juft; knockings, fcratchings, c. as afferted 
 by Mr. Serjeant. 
 
 Serjeant. Afferted Sir, do you doubt my 
 inftru&ions ? 
 
 Counfellor. No interruptions, ifyoupleafe, 
 Mr. Serjeant; I fay as afferted, but can 
 affertions be admitted as proofs ? certainly 
 no 
 
 Serjeant. Our evidence is ready 
 
 Counfellor. To that we object, to that we 
 object, as it will anticipate the merits< your 
 worfhip 
 
 Serjeant. Your worfhip 
 
 Juftice. Why, as you impeach the ghoft's 
 privilege, you muft produce proofs of her 
 fcratchings. 
 
 Serjeant. Call Shadrach Bodkin. 
 
 Clerk. Shadrach Bodkin, come into court. 
 
 Enter Bodkin. 
 
 Serjeant. Pray, Mr. Bodkin, where do you 
 live? 
 
 C 4 Bodkin.
 
 4 o THE ORATORS. 
 
 Bodkin. 1 fojourn in Lukener's-lane. 
 
 Serjeant. What is your profeffion ? 
 
 Bodkin. I am a teacher of the word, and a 
 taylor. 
 
 Scamper. Zounds, Will, it is a methodift. 
 
 Tirehack: No, fure ! 
 
 Scamper. By the lord Harry, % it is. 
 
 Clerk. Silence. 
 
 Serjeant. Do you know any thing of 
 Fanny the Phantom ? 
 
 Bodkin. Yea I do. 
 
 Serjeant. Can you give any account of her 
 thumpings, icratchiags, and flutterin gs ? 
 
 Bodkin. Yea manifold have been the 
 
 fcratchings and knockings that I have heard. 
 
 Serjeant. Name the times. 
 
 Bodkin. I have attended the fpirit Fanny 
 from the firft day of her flutcerings, even to 
 the laft fcratch fhe gave. 
 
 Serjeant. How long may that be ? 
 
 Bodkin. Five weeks did fhe flutter, and 
 fix weeks did fhe fcratch. 
 
 Scamper. Six weeks Damn it, I wonder 
 fhe did not wear out her nails. 
 
 Clerk. Silence. 
 
 Serjeant. I hope the court is convinced. 
 
 Counfellor. Hold, Mafter Bodkin, you and 
 I mufl have a little difcourle. A taylor, you 
 fay. Do you work at your buiinefs ? 
 
 Bodkin. No 
 
 Counfellor. Look upon me, look upon the 
 
 court
 
 THE ORATORS. 41 
 
 court Then your prefeut trade is your 
 teaching ? 
 
 Bodkin. It is no trade. 
 
 Counfellor. What is it then, a calling ? 
 
 Bodkin. No, it is no calling it is rather 
 * as I may fay a forcing a compelling - 
 
 Counfellor. By whom ? 
 
 Bodkin. By the fpirit that is within me ^ 
 
 Scamper. It is an evil fpirit, I believe ; and 
 needs mutt when the devil drives, you know, 
 Will. 
 
 iTirehacki Right, Harry- 
 
 Counfellor. When did you firft feel thefe 
 Ipiritual motions ? 
 
 Bodkin. In the town of Norwich, where 
 I was born ; One day as I was fitting crofs- 
 legged .on my (hop-board, new feating a cloth 
 pair of breeches of Mr. Alderman Crape's 
 I felt the fpirit within me, moving up- 
 wards and downwards, and this way and 
 that way, and tumbling and jumbling at 
 firft I thought it was the colic 
 
 Counfellor. And how are you certain it 
 was not ? 
 
 Bodkin. At laft I heard a voice whifpering 
 within me, crying, Shadrach, Shadrach, 
 Shadrach, caft away the things that belong 
 to thee, thy thimble and meers, and do the 
 things that 1 bid thee. 
 
 Counfeilor. And you did ? 
 
 Bodkin. Yea, verily. 
 
 Counfellor.
 
 4 2 THE ORATORS. 
 
 Counsellor. I think I have heard a little of 
 you, Mailer Bodkin ; and fo you quitted 
 your bufinefs, your wife, and your children ? 
 
 Bodkin. I did. 
 
 Counfellor. You did But then you com- 
 muned with other men's, wives ? 
 
 Bodkin. Yea, and with widows, and with 
 maidens. 
 
 Counfellor. How came that about, Shadrach? 
 
 Bodkin. I was moved thereunto by the 
 fpirit. 
 
 Counfellor. I fhould rather think by the 
 flefh I have been told, friend Bodkin, that 
 twelve became pregnant- 
 
 Bodkin. Thou art deceived They were 
 barely but nine. 
 
 Counfellor. Why, this was an ative fpirit. 
 
 Serjeant. But to the point, Mr. Profequi. 
 
 Counfellor. Well, then you fay you have 
 heard thofe fcratchings and knockings ? 
 
 Bodkin. Yea 
 
 Counfellor. But why did you think they 
 came from a fpirit ? 
 
 Bodkin. Becaufe the very fame thumps, 
 fcratches, and knocks, I have felt on my 
 bread-bone from the fpirit within me 
 
 Counfellor. And thefe noifes you are fure 
 you heard on the firft of January ? 
 
 Bodkin. Certain 
 
 Serjeant. But to what do all thofe inter- 
 rogatories tend ? 
 
 Counfellor.
 
 THE ORATORS. 43 
 
 Counfellor. To a moft material purpofe; 
 your worfhip obferves, that Bodkin is po- 
 litive as to the noifes made on the firft day 
 of January by Fanny the Phantom : now if 
 we can prove an Alibi* that is, that, on that 
 very day, at that very time, the faid Fanny 
 was fcratching and fluttering any where elfe, 
 we apprehend that we deftroy the credit of 
 this witnefs Call Peter Paragraph. 
 
 Clerk. Peter Paragraph, come into court. 
 
 Counfellor. This gentlemen is an eminent 
 printer, and has collected, for the public in- 
 formation, every particular relative to this re- 
 markable ftory ; but as he has the misfortune 
 to have but one leg, your worfhip will in- 
 dulge him in the ule of a chair. 
 
 Clerk. Peter Paragraph, come into court. 
 
 "Enter Paragraph. 
 
 Counsellor. Pray, Mr. Paragraph where 
 was you born ? 
 
 Paragraph. Sir, I am a native of Ireland, 
 and born and bred in the city of Dublin. 
 
 Counfellor. When did you arrive in the city 
 of J^ondon ? 
 
 Paragraph. About the laft autumnal equi- 
 nox j and now I recollect, my Journal makes 
 mention of my departure for England, in the 
 Befsborough Packet, Friday, October the 
 tenth, N. S. or New Stile. 
 
 Counfellor.
 
 44 THE ORATORS. 
 
 Cottnfellori Oh I then the Journal is yours? 
 
 Paragraph. Pleafe your worfhip, it is ; and 
 relating thereto I believe I can give you a 
 pleafant conceit Laft week I went to vifit a 
 peer, for I know peers, and peers know me. 
 Quoth his lordfhip to me, Mr. Paragraph, 
 with refpedt to your Journal, I would wifh 
 that your paper was whiter, or your ink 
 blacker. Quoth I to the peer, by way of reply, 
 I hope you will own there is enough for the 
 money ; his lordfhip was pleafed to laugh. 
 It was fuch a pretty repartee, he, he, he^ 
 he 
 
 Jujlice. Pray, Mr. Paragraph, what might 
 be your bufinefs in England } 
 
 Paragraph. Hem a little love affair, 
 
 pleafe your worfhip. 
 
 Counfellor. A wife, I fuppofe 
 
 Paragraph. Something tending that way ; 
 even fo long ago as January 1739-40, there 
 paft fome amorous glances between us ; me 
 is the daughter of old Vamp of the Turnftile; 
 but at that time I ftifled my paflion, Mrs. 
 Paragraph being then in the land of the 
 living. 
 
 Counfellor. She is now dead ? 
 
 Paragraph. Three years and three quar- 
 ters, pleafe your worihip : we were exceed- 
 ing happy together ; me was, indeed, a 
 little apt to be jealous. 
 
 Counfellor. No wonder 
 
 Paragraph.
 
 THE ORATORS. 43 
 
 Paragraph. Yes: they can't help it, poor 
 fouls; but notwithftanding, at her death, I 
 gave her a prodigious good character in my 
 Journal. 
 
 Counfellor. And how proceeds the prefent 
 affair ? 
 
 Paragraph. Juft now, we are quite at a 
 ftand 
 
 Counfellor. How fo ? 
 
 Paragraph. The old fcoundrel her father 
 has played me a flippery trick. 
 
 Counfellor. Indeed ! 
 
 Paragraph. As he could give no mo- 
 ney in hand, I agreed to take \\et fortune in 
 copies- ; I was to have the Wits Vade Mucum 
 entire; four hundred of news from the invi- 
 fible world, in meets; all that remained of 
 Glanvil upon Witches; Hill's Bees, Bardana, 
 Brewing, and Balfam of Honey, and three 
 eights of Robinfon Crufoe. 
 
 Counfellor. A pretty fortune 1 
 
 Paragraph. Yes ; they are things that ftir 
 in the trade; hut you muft know that we 
 agreed to go halves in Fanny the Phantom. 
 But whilft I and two authors, whom I had 
 hired to afk questions, at nine {hillings a 
 night, were taking notice of the knockings 
 at the houfe of Mr. Parfons himfelf, that 
 old rafcal Vamp had privately printed off a 
 thoufand eighteenpenny fcratchings, pur- 
 chafed of two methodift preachers, at the 
 
 public houfe over the way* 
 
 Counfellor.
 
 46 THE ORATORS. 
 
 Counfellor. Now we come to the point 
 look upon this evidence; was he prefent at 
 Mr. Parfons's knockings? 
 
 Paragraph, Never; this is one of the raf- 
 cally methodifts Harkee, fellow, how could 
 you be fuch a fcoundrel to fell for genuine 
 your counterfeit fcratchings to Vamp ? 
 
 Bodkin. My fcratchings were the true 
 fcratchings 
 
 Paragraph. Why, you lying fon of a 
 whore, did not I buy all my materials from 
 the girl's father himfelf ? ( 
 
 Bodkin. What the fpirit commanded, that 
 did I. 
 
 Paragraph. What fpirit? 
 
 Bodkin. The fpirit within me 
 
 Paragraph. If I could but get at you, I 
 would foon try what fort of a fpirit it is 
 flop, you villain. [Exit Bodkin.] The 
 rogue has made his efcape but I will dog 
 him, to find out his haunts, and then return 
 for a warrant His fcratchings ! a fcoundrel ; 
 I will have juftice, or I'll turn his tabernacle 
 into a pigftye. [Exit Paragraph. 
 
 Counfellor. \ hope, pleafe your worfliip, we 
 have fufficiently eftabli fried our Alibi. 
 
 Juftice. You are unqueftionably entitled to 
 a jury of ghofts. 
 
 Counfellor. Mr. Serjeant, you will provide 
 us a lift? 
 
 Serjeant. Let us fee you have no objection 
 
 to
 
 THE ORATORS. 47 
 
 to Sir George Villars; the evil genius of 
 Brutus; the ghoft of Banquo; Mrs. Veal. 
 
 Ccunfellor. We object to a woman your 
 worfhip 
 
 Juftice. Why, it is not the practice; this, 
 it muft be owned, is an extraordinary cafe. 
 But, however, if, on conviction, the Phan- 
 tom fhould plead pregnancy, Mrs. Veal will 
 be admitted into the jury of matrons. 
 
 Serjeant. I thank your worfhip : then the 
 court is adjourned. 
 
 [Terence and Dermot in fin upper box* 
 
 Terence. By my fhoul, but I will fpake. 
 
 Dermot. Arrah, be quiet, Terence. 
 
 Terence. Dibble burn me but I will; hut, 
 hut, not fpake, what mould ail me ? harkee 
 you, Mr. Juftice 
 
 Scamper. Halloo, what's the matter now, 
 Will ? 
 
 Dermot. Leave off, honey Terence, now 
 you are well 
 
 Terence. Dermot, be eafy 
 
 Scamper. Hear him 
 
 Tirehack. Hear him 
 
 Terence. Ay, hear him, hear him ; why 
 the matter is this, Mr. Juftice, that little 
 hopping fellow there, that Dublin Journal 
 man, is as great a liar as ever was born 
 
 Tirehack. How fo ? 
 
 Terence. Ay, prithee don't bodder me; 
 what, dy'e learn no more manners at Oxford 
 college, than to flop a gentleman in the midfl 
 
 of
 
 48 THE ORATORS. 
 
 of his fpeech before he begins ? oh, for fhame 
 
 of yourfelf Why the matter is this, Mr. 
 
 Juftice, that there what the debble dy'e call 
 him, Pra-Praragraf, but by my fhoul, that is 
 jione of his name neither, I know the little 
 baftard as well as myfelf ; as to Fanny the 
 Phantom, long life to the poor gentlewoman, 
 he knows no more of her than the mother 
 that bore her 
 
 Suds. Indeed \ good lord, you furprife me ! 
 
 Terence. Arrah, now, honey Suds, fpake 
 when you are fpoke to ; you arn't upon the 
 jury, my jewel, now; by my fhoul you are 
 a little too fat for a ghoft. 
 
 Tirehack. Prithee, friend Ephraim, let 
 him go on; let's hear a little wha,t he would 
 be at 
 
 Terence. I fay, he knows nothing about 
 the cafe that is litigated here, d'ye fee, at all, 
 at all ; becaufe why, I hant ha been from 
 Dublin above four weeks, or a month ; and 
 I faw him iu his mop every day ; fo how 
 could he be here and there too ? unlefs, in- 
 deed, he uied to fly backwards and forwards, 
 and that you fee is impoflible, becaufe why, 
 he has got a wooden leg, 
 
 Scamper. What the devil is the fellow 
 about ? 
 
 Tireback. I fmoke him harkee, Terence, 
 who do you take that lame man to be ? 
 
 Terence* Oh, my jewel, I know him werl 
 
 enough
 
 THE ORATORS. 49 
 
 enough fure by his parfon, for all he thought 
 to conceal himfelf by changing his name 
 
 Scamper. Why, it is Foote, you fool. 
 
 Terence. Arrah, who ? 
 
 Tirehack. Foote. 
 
 Terence. Fot, what the lecture-man ? Pa 
 
 Tire hack. Yes. 
 
 Terence. Arrah, be eafy, honey 
 
 Scamper. Nay, enquire of Suds. 
 
 Suds. Truly I am minded 'twas he. 
 
 Terence. Your humble fervant yourfelf, 
 Mr. Suds; by my fhoul, I'll wager you 
 three thirteens to a rap, that it is no fuch 
 matter at all, at all. 
 
 Scamper. Done and be judged by the 
 company. 
 
 Terence. Done I'll aik the orator himfelf 
 here he comes j 
 
 Enter FOOTE. 
 
 harkee, honey Fot, was it yourfelf that was 
 happing about here but now ? 
 
 Foote. I have heard your debate, and muft 
 give judgment againft you 
 
 Terence. What, yourfelf, yourfelf! 
 
 'Foote. It was 
 
 Terence. Then, faith, I have loft my thir- 
 teens Arrah, but Fot, my jewel, why are 
 you after playing fuch pranks to bring an 
 honeit jontleman into company where he is 
 D nar
 
 0p THE ORATORS. 
 
 na t But what is this felling of le&ures a 
 thriving profeffion? 
 
 Foots. I can't determine as yet ; the pub- 
 lic have been very indulgent; I have not 
 long opened. 
 
 Terence. By my fhoul, if it anfwers, will 
 you be my pupil and learn me the trade ? 
 
 Foote. Willingly-- 
 
 Terence. That's an honeft fellow, long 
 life to you, lad. [Sits down. 
 
 Enter M'George. 
 
 M'George. Here is Doctor Frifcano with^ 
 out. 
 
 Foote. Frifcano who is he ? 
 
 M'George. The German phyfician from 
 James-Street. 
 
 Foote. Well ; what is his bufmefs with 
 me ? 
 
 M 1 - George. He is in danger of lofing his 
 trade. 
 
 Foote. How fo ? 
 
 M-George. He fays, lad fummer, things 
 went on glibly enough, for then he had the 
 market all to himfelf ; but this year there is 
 an Italian fellow darted up in the garden, 
 that with his face and grimace has taken all 
 his patients away t 
 
 Foote. That's hard. 
 
 M l George. Dreadful if you was to hear 
 
 the poor man's terrible tale you would really 
 
 b.e
 
 THE ORATORS. 51 
 
 "be moved to compaffion : he fays that his 
 bleeding won't find him in bread ; and as to 
 the tooth trade, excepting two fhimps, for 
 iixpence a piece, 'tis a month lince he looked 
 
 in a mouth 
 
 Foote. How can I help him ? 
 M'George. Why he thinks oratory will 
 do all with the Englim; and if you would 
 but teach him to talk, he mould get his cuf- 
 fom again - 
 
 Foote. Can he read ? 
 M'George. Oh Lord! poor man, no. 
 Foote. Well let him attend here on 
 M'George. He hopes that you will quickly 
 difpatch him, for if he finds he can't do as 
 a doctor, he intends to return to the curing 
 pf horfes again. 
 
 Foote. Well, tell him he may reft allured, 
 he fhall either Weed or fhoe in a fortnight. 
 
 [Exit M* George. 
 
 Foote. Having thus completed our lecture 
 on the eloquence peculiar to the bar, we mall 
 produce one great group of orators, in which 
 will be exhibited fpecirnens of every branch 
 of the art. You will have, at one view, the 
 choleric, the placid, the voluble, the frigid, 
 the frothy, the turgid, the calm, and the cla- 
 morous; and as a proof of our exquifite fkill, 
 our fubje&s are not fuch as a regular edu- 
 cation has prepared for the reception of this 
 fublime fcience, but a fet of illiterate me- 
 D 2 chanics,
 
 5 2 V THE ORATORS. 
 
 chanics, whom you are to fuppofe aflembled 
 at the Robin-Hood in the Butcher- row, in 
 order to difcufs and adjuft the various fyftems 
 of Europe ; but particularly to determine the 
 feparate intereft of their own mother country. 
 
 End of the Second 
 
 ACT
 
 THE ORATORS. 5$ 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE, rhe Robin-Hood. 
 
 The PRESIDENT. 
 
 Dermot O'Droheda,^ Chairman; Tim Twift, 
 a 'Taylor ; Strap, a Shoemaker ; Anvil, a 
 Smith; Sam Slaughter, a Butcher ', Catch- 
 pole, a Bailiff. All with pewter pots be* 
 fore them. 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 SILENCE, gentlemen; are your pots 
 replenifhed with porter ? 
 AIL Full, Mr. Prefident. 
 Prejident. We will then proceed to the 
 bufmefs of the day ; and let me beg, gentle- 
 men, that you will, in your debates, preferve 
 that decency and decorum that is due to the 
 importance of your deliberations, and the 
 dignity of this illuftrious affembly \Gets ttp 9 
 puils of his hat, and reads the motion."] Motion 
 made laft Monday to be debated to-day, 
 " That, for the future, inftead of that vulgar 
 *' potation called porter, the honourable 
 D 3, " jnembers
 
 j4 THE ORATORS. 
 
 " members may be fupplied with a proper 
 " quantity of I rifli ufquebagh. 
 
 " Dermot O'Droheda f his mark." 
 
 O'Droheda. \Gets /.] That's I myfelf. 
 
 Prefident. Mr. O'Droheda. 
 
 O'Droheda. Mr. Prefident, the cafe is this; 
 it is not becafe I am any great lover of that 
 fame ufquebagh that I have fet my mark to 
 the motion; but becafe I did not think it was 
 decent for a number of gentlemen that were, 
 d'ye fee, met to fettle the affairs of the nation, 
 to be guzzling a pot of porter; to be fure the 
 liquor is a pretty fort of a liquor enough when 
 a man is hot with trotting between a couple 
 of poles; but this is anotherguefs matter, be- 
 cafe why, the head is concerned; and if it 
 was not for the malt and the haps, dibble 
 burn me but I would as foon take a drink 
 from the *fnames as your porter. But as to 
 ufquebagh ; ah, long life to the liquor it 
 Is an exhilirator of the bowels, and a fromatic 
 to the head; I fay, Mr. Prefident, it invi- 
 gorates, it ftimulates, it^ in fhort it is the 
 onlieft liquor of life^ and no man alive will 
 die whilft he drinks it. 
 
 [Sits down. Twift gets up, having a piece 
 of 'paper ; containing the heads of <wbat 
 he Jays ) In his hat. 
 
 Prefident. Mr. Timothy Twift. 
 
 Tim Twi/l. Mr. Prefident, I fecond Mr. 
 O'Droheda's motion ; and, fir, give me leave 
 
 -I fay,
 
 THE ORATORS. 55 
 
 I fay, Mr. Prefident [looks in his hat] 
 give me leave to obferve, that, fir, the' it is 
 impoffible to add any force to what has been 
 advanced by my honourable friend in the 
 flraps ; yet, fir, [looks in his hat again.] it 
 may, fir, I fay, be neceflary to obviate fome 
 objections that may be made to the motion; 
 and firfr., it may be thought I fay, fir, fome 
 gentlemen may think, that this may prove 
 pernicious to our manufacture [looks in his 
 hat,\ and the duty doubtlefs it is of every 
 member of this illuftrious affembly to have a 
 particular eye unto that; but Mr. Prefident 
 fir "[looks in his hat f is confufed, and Jits 
 down.] 
 
 Prefident. Mr. Twift, O pray finifh, Mr. 
 Twift. 
 
 Twjft. [Gets up.} I fay, Mr. Prefident, 
 that, fir, if, fir, it be confidered that as I 
 fay [looks in his hat] 1 have nothing farther 
 to fay. 
 
 [Sits down, and Strap gets up. 
 
 Prefident. Mr. Strap. 
 
 Strap. Mr. Prefident, it was not my inten- 
 tion to trouble the aflembly upon this occa- 
 tion, but when I hear infinuations thrown 
 out by gentlemen, where the intereft of this 
 country is fo deeply concerned, I own I 
 cannot fit filentj and give me leave to fay, 
 fir, there never came before this aflembly a 
 point of more importance than this; it ftrikes, 
 D 4 fir,
 
 5 6 THE ORATORS. 
 
 fir, at the very root of your conftitution; for, 
 fir, what does this motion imply ? it implies 
 that porter, a wholefome, domeftic manufac- 
 ture, is to be prohibited at once. And for 
 what, fir? for a foreign pernicious commo- 
 dity. I had, fir, formerly the honour, in 
 conjunction with my learned friend 'in the 
 leather apron, to expel flierbet from amongfl: 
 us, as I looked upon lemons as a fatal and 
 foreign fruit ; andean it be thought, fir, that 
 I will fit filent to this ? No, fir, I will put 
 my moulders flrongly againft it; I will op- 
 pole it manlbus totibus. For mould this pro- 
 pofal prevail, it will not end here : fatal, give 
 me leave to fay, will, I forefee, be the iffue; 
 and I (han't be furprifed, in a few days, to 
 hear from the fame quarter, a motion for the 
 expuliion of gin, and a premium for the im- 
 portation of whilky. 
 
 \A hum of approbation, with Jignip- 
 cant nods and winks from the other 
 members. He Jits down-, and Anvil 
 and another member get up together ; 
 Jome cry Anvil, others Jacobs. 
 Prejident, M r. A n vi 1 . 
 dnviL Mr. Prcfident, fir 
 
 \he members all blow their nofes, and 
 cough ; Anvil talks all the while, but 
 is not heard. 
 
 Prejident. Silence, gentlemen ; pray, gen- 
 tlemen. A worthy member is up.
 
 THE ORATORS. 57 
 
 Anvil. I fay Mr. Prefident, that if we con- 
 fider this caie in its utmoft extent \_Allthe 
 members cough, and blow their nofes again,] 
 1 fay, fir, I will. Nay, I infill: on being 
 heard. If any gentleman has any thing to 
 fay any where elfe, I'll hear him- 
 
 [Members all laugh, and A nvil Jits down 
 in a pajpon, and Slaughter gets up. 
 
 Prejident. Mr. Samuel Slaughter. 
 
 Slaughter. Sir, I declare ir, at the bare 
 hearing of this here motion, I am all over in 
 a fweat ; for my part I can't think what 
 gentlemen mean by talking in that there 
 manner; not but I likes that every man fhould 
 deliver his mind; I does mine; it has been 
 ever my way; and when a member oppofes 
 me I like him the better for it ; it's right ; 
 1 am pleafed; he can't pleafe me more; it is 
 as it mould be; and tho' I differ from the 
 honourable gentleman in the flannel night- 
 cap, over the way, yet I am pleafed to hear 
 him fay what he thinks; for, iir, as I faid, 
 it is always my rule to fay what I think, 
 right or wrong \_aloudlaugh.~\ Ay, ay, gen- 
 tlemen may laugh, with all my heart, I am 
 ufed to it, I don't mind it,a farthing ; but, fir, 
 with regard to that there motion, I entirely 
 agree with my worthy friend with the pew- 
 ter-pot at his mouth. Now, fir, I would fain 
 aik any gentleman this here queftion ; Can 
 any thing in nature be more natural for an 
 
 Englimman r
 
 6 8 THE ORATORS. 
 
 Englifhman, than porter? I declare, Mr. 
 Prefident, I think it the moft wholefomeft 
 liquor in the world. But if it muft be a 
 change, let us change it for rum, a whole- 
 fome palatable liquor, a liquor that in fhort, 
 Mr. Prefident, I don't know fuch a liquor. 
 Ay, gentlemen may flare ; I fay, and I fay 
 it upon my confcience, I don't know fuch a 
 liquor. Befides, 1 think there is in this here 
 affair a point of law, which I mall leave to 
 the confederation of the learned, and for that 
 there reafon, I lhall take up no more of your 
 time. 
 
 \HeJits down, Catchpole gets up. 
 
 Prejident. Mr. Catchpole. 
 
 Catchpole. I get up to the point of laxv. 
 And though, fir, I am bred to the bufmefs, 
 I can*t fay I am prepared for this queftion. 
 But though this ufquebagh, as a dram, may 
 not (by name) be fubject to a duty, yet, it is 
 my opinion, or rather belief, it will be con- 
 fidered, as in the cafe of horfes, to come under 
 the article of dried goods But I move that 
 another day this point be debated. 
 
 Slaughter. I fecorid the motion. 
 
 [Gatchpole gives a paper to the Prejident 
 who reads it., 
 
 Prefident. Hear your motion. 
 1 " That it be debated next Thurfday, whe^ 
 46 ther the dram ufquebagh is fubjecl: to a 
 " particular duty; or, as in the cafe of horfes, 
 
 " to
 
 THE ORATORS. 59 
 
 sc to be confidered under the article of dried 
 " goods.'* 
 
 All. Agreed, agreed. 
 
 Foote. And, now, ladies and gentlemen, 
 having produced to you glaring proofs of our 
 great ability in every fpecies of oratory^ 
 having manifested, in the perfons of our 
 pupils, our infinite addrefs in conveying our 
 knowledge to others, we (hall dofe our morn- 
 ing's lefture, inftituted for public good, with 
 a propofal for the particular improvement of 
 individuals. We are ready to give private 
 inftru&ions to any reverend gentleman in his 
 probationary fermon for a le&uremip ; to 
 young barrifters who have caufes to open, or 
 motions to make; to all candidates of the 
 fock or bufkin ; or to the new members of 
 any of thofe oratorical focieties with which 
 this metropolis is at prefent fo plentifully 
 flocked. 
 
 [Exeunt omnes. 
 
 FINIS,
 
 PLAYS in iimo. printed for W. LowNt>ES, 
 
 At Sixpence each. 
 
 The Playt marled thus *, art either thofe nuhtih form, 
 THE NEW ENGLISH THEATRE, or arefucb as have 
 been printed jince that .publication, in the fame elegant 
 
 ABRAMULE, by Dr. 
 Trapp 
 Adventures of Half an Hour, 
 
 by Bullock 
 Agis, by Mr. Home 
 Albion and Albanius, by Dry- 
 
 den 
 
 Albion Queens, by Banks 
 Alchemitt, by Ben Jonfon 
 Alcibiades, by Otway 
 *A11 for Love, by Dryden 
 Amboyna, by Dryden 
 Amphitryon, by Dryden 
 'Amphitryon, altered by Dr. 
 
 Hawkefworth 
 Anatomift, by Ravenfcroft 
 Antony and Cleopatra, by 
 
 Shakfpeare 
 
 Arden of Feverfham, Lillo 
 'Artaxerxes, by Dr. Arne 
 Artful Hufband, Taverner 
 *Arthur and Emmeline 
 Artifice, by Mrs. Centlivre 
 'As you Like it, Shakfpeare 
 Athaliah, by Duncombe 
 Aurengzebe, by Dryden 
 'Barbarofla, by Dr. Brown 
 Bartholomew Fair, Jonfon 
 Baffet Table, by Centlivre 
 * Beaux Stratagem, by Farquhar 
 *Beggar's Opera, by Gay 
 Biter, by Rowe 
 *Bold Stroke for a Wife, by 
 
 Mrs. Centlivre 
 Britim Enchanters, by Lanf- 
 
 downe 
 'Brothers, by Dr. Young 
 
 Bufiris, by Dr. Young 
 *Bufy Body, by Centlivre 
 Csefar in Egypt, by Gibber 
 *Carelefs Hufband, ditto 
 Catiline, by Ben Jonfon 
 *Cato, byAddifon 
 Cheats of Scapin, Otway 
 Chances, by Buckingham 
 'Chances, by Garrick 
 Chaplet, by Mofes Mendez 
 Cleomenes, by Dryden 
 Cobler of Prefton, by Bullock 
 Comedy of Errors, by Shak- 
 fpeare 
 
 Comical Lovers, by Gibber 
 'Committee, by Howard 
 'Confederacy, by Vanbrugh 
 Conqueft of Granada, Dryden 
 'Confcious- Lovers, by Steelc 
 Conftantine the Great, Lee 
 'Conftant Couple, Farquhar 
 Contrivances, by H. Carey 
 'Coriolanus, by. Shakfpeare 
 Country Laffes, by Johnfon 
 Country Wife, by Wycherley 
 'Country Wife, by Garrick 
 Country Wit, by Crown 
 'Cymbeline, by Garrick 
 Damon and Phillida, Dibdin 
 Devil of a Wife, by Jevon 
 Devil to Pay, by Coffey 
 'Diftreft Mother, by Philips 
 Don Carlos, by Otway 
 'Double Dealer, Congreve 
 'Double Gallant, by Cibber 
 'Douglas, by Mr. Home 
 Dragon of Wantley, by Carey
 
 PLAYS printed for W. Low NOES. 
 
 * Drummer, by Addifon 
 Duke and no Duke, Cockain 
 Duke of Guife, by Dryden 
 Earl of Eflex, by Banks 
 *Earl of Eflex, by Jones 
 Earl of Warwick, by Franklin 
 Edward the Black Prince, by 
 
 Shirley 
 
 Evening's Love, by Dryden 
 *Every Man in his Humour, by 
 
 Garrick 
 
 *Fair Penitent, by Rowe 
 Fair Quaker of Deal, by C. 
 
 Shadwell 
 
 Falfe Friends, by Vanbrugh 
 Fatal Secret, by Theobald 
 Flora, or Hob in the Well, by 
 
 Hippifley 
 
 Fox, by Ben Jonfon 
 Foundling, by Moore 
 Friendihip in Fafhion, Otway 
 *Faneral, by Steele 
 Gamefter, by Centlivre 
 Gamefter, by Mr. Moore 
 Gentle Shepherd, by Ramfay 
 *George Barnwell, by Lillo 
 Gil Bias, by Mr. Moore 
 Gloriana, by Lee 
 Great Favourite, by Howard 
 Grecian Daughter, by Mr. 
 
 Murphy 
 
 Greenwich Park, Mountfort 
 Hamlet ^ 
 
 Henry IV. 2 parts I ~^ 
 
 Henry V. V| gj 
 
 Henry VI. 3 parts I a - 
 Henry VIII. J ' 
 
 Henry V. by Hill 
 Honeft Yorkfhireman, Carey 
 Humours of Purgatory, Griffin 
 Hypocrite, by Bickerftaff 
 Jane Gray, by Rowe 
 Jane Shore, by Rowe 
 Inconftant, by Farquhar 
 Ifabella, by Garrjck 
 Ifland Princefs, by Motteux 
 Julius Caefar, by Shakfpeare 
 
 King Charles I. by Havard 
 *King John, by Shakfpeare 
 *King Lear, by Garrick 
 King Lear, by Shakfpeare 
 King Lear, by Tate 
 Limberham, by Dryden 
 *Lionel and Clariita, by Mr. 
 
 Bickerftaff 
 Litigants, by Ozell 
 *Love for Love, Congreve 
 Love in a Mift, Cunningham 
 Love in a Tub, by Etherege 
 *Love makes a Man, C. Gibber 
 Love's Laft Shift, C. Gibber 
 *Love in a Village, Bickerftaff 
 Love's Labour Loft, Shakfpeare 
 Love Triumphant, by Dryden 
 Lying Lover, by Steele 
 *Macbeth, by Shakfpeare 
 *Mahomet, by Miller 
 *Maid of the Mill, Bickerftaff 
 Man of Mode, Etherege 
 Mariamne, by Fenton 
 Maflacre at Paris, by Lee 
 *Medea, by Mr. Glover 
 *Meafure for Meafure, by 
 
 Shakfpeare 
 
 *Merchant of Venice, ditto 
 *Merope, by A. Hill 
 *Merry Wives of Windfor, by 
 
 Shakfpeare 
 
 Miller of Mansfield, Dodfley 
 *Minor, by Foote 
 *Mifer, by Fielding 
 Miftake, by Vanbrugh 
 Mourning Bride, Congreve 
 *Much ado about Nothing, by 
 
 Shakfpeare 
 Muftapha, by Orrery 
 New Way to pay Old Debts, 
 
 altered from Maffinger 
 Non juror, by C. Gibber 
 Oedipus, by Dryden 
 *Old Bachelor, by Congrete 
 Orphan, by Otway 
 *Oroonoko, by Southern 
 *Othello, by Shakfpeare
 
 PLAYS printtd for W. 
 
 Perjured Hufband, Ccntlivre 
 Perolla and Izadora, Cibber 
 *Phaedra and Hippolitus, by 
 
 Smith 
 
 Philotas, by Frowde 
 Pilgrim, by Fletcher 
 Polly, by Gay 
 Prophetefs, by Beaumont 
 *Provoked Hufband, Cibber 
 Provoked Wife, Vanbrugh 
 *Recruiting Officer, Farquhar 
 Rehearfal, by Buckingham 
 Relapfe, by Vanbrugh 
 *Revenge, by Dr. Young 
 *Richard TIL by Cibber 
 Rival Fools, by C. Cibber 
 Rival Ladies, by Dryden 
 *Rival Queens, altered 
 *RomanFather, Whitehead 
 *Romeo and Juliet, Garrick 
 Royal Merchant, Beaumont 
 *Rule a Wife, Beaumont 
 School-boy, by Cibber 
 Scornful Lady, Beaumont 
 *She would and me would not, 
 
 . by C. Cibber 
 She would if fhe could, by 
 
 Etherege 
 
 *Siege of Damafcus, Hughes 
 Siege of Aquileia, Home 
 Silent Woman, by Jonfon 
 Sir Courtly Nice, by Crown 
 Sir Harry Wildair, Farquhar 
 Sir Martin Mar-All, Dryden 
 Sir Walter Raleigh, by Sewell 
 *Spani(h Friar, by Dryden 
 Squire of Alfatia, by Shadwell 
 Stage Coach, by Farquhar 
 State of Innocence, by Dryden 
 Strollers, by Breval 
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 Hoadley 
 
 * Tamerlane, by Rowe 
 *Taming of the Shrew, by 
 Garrick 
 
 *Tancred and Sjgifmunda,, fey 
 
 Thomfon 
 
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 Tender Hufband, by Stecle 
 *Theodofius, by Lee 
 Timon of Athens, Shakfpeare 
 Titus and Berenice, Otway 
 Toy Shop, by Dodfley 
 *Twelfth Night, Shakfpeare 
 Twin Rivals, by Farquhar 
 Two Gentlemen of Verona, by 
 
 Shakfpeare 
 
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 Venus and Adonis, by Cibber 
 Veftal Virgin, by Howard 
 Ulyfles, by Rowe 
 *Way of the World, by Con- 
 
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 What d'ye call it ? by Gay 
 Wife's Relief, by Johnfon 
 Wild Gallant, by Dryden 
 *Winter's Tale, by Garrick 
 Wit without Money, by Beau- 
 
 mont 
 
 Woman's a Riddle, by Bullock 
 Woman's Revenge, ditto 
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 izmo. at One SMlittg each. 
 
 Albumazar, by Tomkis 
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 Gentleman Dancing Mafter, by 
 
 Wycherley 
 
 Love in a Wood, Wycherley 
 Mifer, French and Englifh, by 
 
 Ozell 
 
 Mort d'Adam 
 Pafquin, by Fielding 
 Perkin Warbeck, by Ford 
 Plague of Riches, French and 
 
 Englifh, by Ozell
 
 P.LAYS printed for W. LOWNDES. 
 
 Tragedies, Comedies, and Operas, 
 
 In 8vo. at is. 6d. each. 
 Thcfe diflingmjhed by an Afterijk are emlellijbed with Front if pieces; 
 
 ACHILLES, by Gay 
 Accompli fhed Maid, by 
 Mr. Toms 
 Agis, by Mr. Home 
 Albina, by Mrs. Cowley 
 All in the Wrong, Murphy 
 *Alzuma, by Murphy v 
 *Amintas, by Taflb 
 Arminius, by Patterfon 
 Aftrologer, by Mr. Ralph 
 Athelftan, by Dr. Brown 
 Athelwold, by A. Hill 
 Author's Farce, by Fielding 
 Bankrupt, by Mr. Eoote 
 Barbarofia, by Dr. Brown 
 Battle of Haftings, Cumberland 
 * Beggar's Opera, with mufic, 
 
 by Gay 
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 Mrs. Cowley 
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 Chapter of Accidents, Mifs Lee 
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 Englifh Merchant, Colman 
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 Fair Circaffian, by Pratt 
 Fall of Mortimer, Wilkes, 2S, 
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 Falftaff's Wedding, Dr. Kenrick 
 Fafhionable Lover, Cumberland 
 Fate of Sparta, Mrs. Cowley 
 Fatal Vifion, by A. Hill ' 
 Fathers, by Mr. Fielding 
 Follies of a Day, by Holcroft 
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 Gil Bias, by Mr. Moore 
 *Goodnatured Man, Goldfmith 
 Grubftreet Opera, Fielding 
 Guardian outwitted, by Arne 
 Hecuba, by Dr. Delap 
 Heirefs, by Gen. Burgoyne 
 *Henry VIII. by Grove 
 Heroine of the Cave, Jones 
 He would be a Soldier, Pilon 
 I'll tell you what, Mrs. Inchbald 
 Incle and Yarico, Colman, jun. 
 Infolvent, by A. Hill
 
 PLAYS printed for W. 
 
 Julia, by Mr. Jephfon 
 Lady's Revenge, Popple 
 Lanie Lover, by Foote 
 Law of Lombardy, Jephfon 
 Ditto, on royal paper, 2S. 6d. 
 Love in a Riddle, with mulic, 
 
 by Gibber 
 
 Love in feveral Mafques 
 Love in the Eaft, by Cobb 
 Lyar, by Foote 
 *Magic Pifture, by Bate 
 Mahomet, by Garrick 
 *Maid of the Mill, Bickerftaff 
 Maid of Bath, by Foote 
 Man and Wife, by Colman 
 Man of Bufmefs, by ditto 
 Married Coquet, by Baillie 
 Methodift, by Pottinger 
 Midas, by Mr. OHara 
 *Minor, by Foote 
 Modern Huiband, Fielding 
 Momus turned Fabulift 
 More Ways than one, by Mrs. 
 
 Cowley 
 
 Mother-in-Law, by Miller 
 Muftapha, by Mallet 
 Myfterious Hufband, by Cum- 
 berland 
 
 Nabob, by Foote 
 Natural Son, by Cumberland 
 New Peerage, by Mifs Lee 
 Noble Peafant, by Holcroft 
 Northumberland, by Meilan 
 Oliver Cromwell, by Green 
 Orators, by Foote 
 Orphan of China, Murphy 
 Pafquin, by Fielding 
 Patron, by Foote 
 Percy, by Mifs More 
 Periander, by Atkins 
 Philoclea, by Mr. Morgan 
 * Plain Dealer, Bickerltaff 
 Platonic Wife, by Griffiths 
 Refufal, by C. Gibber 
 Regulus, by Mr. havard 
 Reparation, by Andrews 
 Richard Cceur de Lion, by- Mr. 
 Macnally 
 
 Rivals, by Mr. Sheridan 
 Robin Hood, by Macnally 
 Roman Father, Whitehead 
 Royal Merchant, by Hull 
 Royal Suppliants, by Delap 
 Scanderbeg, by Havard 
 School for Grey Beards, by 
 
 Cowley 
 
 School for Guardians, Murphy 
 School for Lovers, Whitehead 
 School for Rakes, Mrs.Griffiths 
 School for Wives, Kelly 
 Seduction, by Holcroft 
 Semiramis, by Voltaire 
 Sethona, by Col. Dow 
 She Stoops to Conquer, Goldfm. 
 Siege of Aquileia, by Home 
 Siege de Calais, par Belloy 
 Silvia, by Lillo 
 Sifter, by Mrs. Lenox 
 'Strangers at Home, by Cobb 
 Student, altered from Shakfp. 
 Such Things are, Mrs. Inchbald 
 Summer's Tale, Cumberland 
 Temple Beau, Fielding 
 Themiftocles, by Madden 
 Timanthes, by Hoole 
 Times, by Mrs. Griffiths 
 Timon of Athens, altered by 
 
 Cumberland 
 
 Timon in Love, by J. Kelly 
 Ton, by Lady Wallace 
 Trip to Calais, &c. Foote, 2s 6d 
 Trip to Scarborough, Sheridan 
 Village Opera, Johnfon 
 Virginia, by Mr. Crifpe 
 Virgin Queen, by Barford 
 Univerfal Gallant, Fielding 
 Univerfal Paflion, by Miller 
 Way to keep Him, Murphy 
 Weft Indian, by Cumberland 
 Which is the Man, Mrs. Cowley 
 Widowed Wife, by Kenrick 
 Widow and no Widow, Jodrell 
 Word to the Wife, by Kelly 
 Zenobia, by Mr. Murphy 
 Zingis, by Col. Dow 
 Zoraida, by Mr. Hodfon
 
 THE 
 
 MINOR 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY 
 
 IN THREE ACTS ; 
 
 PERFORMED AT THE 
 
 THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY-LANEs 
 
 WRITTEN 6Y THE LATE 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, 
 
 TAMTAM RELIGIO POTUIT SUADIRE 
 
 L O N D O Nt 
 
 Printed for W. LOWKDES, J. BARKER and H. LOWD* 
 
 1798. 
 Frist One Shilling and Sixpend
 
 Their wWrneft wiflies are accompiimdd ; 
 iidne of their rights have been invaded, except 
 what, without the firfl poetic authority, I mould 
 iiot venture to call a right, the Jus Noeendi. 
 
 Your tendernefs, my Lord, for all the follow- 
 ers of the Mufes, has been in no inftance more 
 confpicuous; than in your late fey our to me^ 
 the meaneft of their train; your Grace has 
 thrown open (for thofe who are. denied ad- 
 mittance into the palaces of Parnaffus) a cot- 
 -tage on its borders, where the unhappy mi- 
 grants may be, if not magnificently, at leaft, 
 hofpitably entertained. 
 
 I mail detain your Grace no longer, than 
 juft to echo the public voice, that, for the ho- 
 nour, progrefs, and perfection of letters, your 
 Grace may long continue their candid CENSOR, 
 whoihave always been their. generous proteftor. 
 . 
 
 I have the honour, my Lord, to be; with 
 .the greateil refpecl, and gratitude, 
 
 Your Grace's moft dutiful, 
 
 ; 
 moft obliged, 
 
 . 
 
 and obedient Servant, 
 
 Ellejlre, SAMUEL FOOT& 
 
 July 8>
 
 THE MINOR. 
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Enter CANKER and SMART, 
 Smart. 
 
 BUT are you Cure he has leave ? 
 Cank. Certain. 
 
 Smart. I'm damn'd glad on't. For now 
 we fhall have a laugh either with him or at 
 him, it does not fignify which. 
 
 Cank. Not I. But is not the door of the 
 Little Theatre open. 
 
 Smart. Yes. Who is that fellow that 
 feems to ftand centry there ? 
 
 Cank. By his tattered garb and meagre vi- 
 fage, he muft be one of the troop. 
 
 Smart. I'll call him, Holloa, Mr. 
 
 Enter Pearft. 
 
 What, is there any thing going on over the 
 way ? 
 
 Pear. A rehearfal. 
 Smart. Of what ? 
 Pear. A new piece. 
 Smart. Foote's ? 
 
 B Pear
 
 4 THE MINOR. 
 
 Pear. Yes. 
 Cank. Is he there ? 
 Pear. He is. 
 
 Smart. Zounds, let's go and fee what he's 
 about. 
 
 Cank. With all my heart. 
 
 Smart. Come along then. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Foote and an Actor. 
 
 Foote. Sir, this will never do ! you muft 
 get rid of your high notes, and country cant, 
 Oh, 'tis the true (trolling. 
 
 Enter Smart and Canker. 
 
 Smart. Ha, ha, ha! what, hard at it, my 
 
 boy : Here's your old friend Canker and 
 
 I come for a peep, Well, and hey, what is 
 your plan I 
 
 Foote. Plan ? 
 
 Smart. Ay, what are your characters ? 
 Give us your group ; how is your cloth 
 fill'd? 
 
 Foote. Characters ! 
 
 Smart. Ay. Come, come, communicate. 
 What, man, we will lend thee a lift. I have a 
 damn'd fine original for thee, an aimt of my 
 own, juft come from the North, with the true 
 Newcaftle bur in her throat ; and a nofe and 
 a chin. I am afraid fhe is not well enough 
 kne\vn: but I have a remedy for that. I'll 
 bring her the firft night of your piece, place 
 her in a confpicuous ftation, and whifper the 
 fecret to the whole houfe. That will be 
 damn'd fine, won't it? 
 
 Foote. Oh, delicious I 
 
 Smart
 
 MIITOR 5 
 
 Smart. But don't name me. For if flie 
 fmokes.me for the author, I fliall be dafh'd 
 out of her codicil in a hurry. 
 
 Foote. Oh, never fear me. But I mould 
 think your uncle Tom a better character. 
 
 Smart. What the politician ? 
 
 Foote. Aye ; that every day, after dinner, 
 as foon as the cloth is remov'd, fights the 
 battle of Minden, batters the French with 
 cherry-ftones, and purfues 'em to the banks of 
 the Rhine in a ftream of fpilt port. 
 
 Smart. Oh, damn it, he'll do. 
 
 Foote. Or what fay you to your father-in- 
 law, Sir Timothy? who, tho' as broken- 
 winded as a Hounflow poit-horfe, is eternally 
 chaunting Venetian ballads. Kata tore car* 
 higlia. 
 
 Smart. Admirable ! by heavens ! Have 
 vou got 'em. 
 
 Foote. No. 
 
 Smart. Then in with 'em my boy. 
 
 Foote. Not one. 
 
 Smart. Pr'ythee why not ? 
 
 Foote. Why look'e, Smart, though you are, 
 in the language of the world, my friend, yet 
 there is one thing you, I am fure, love better 
 than any body. 
 
 Smart. What's that ? 
 
 Foote. Mifchief. 
 
 Smart. No, pr'ythee. 
 
 Foote. How now am I fure that you, who 
 fo readily give up your relations, may not have 
 fome defign upon me ? 
 
 Smart. I don't underftand you. 
 
 B 2 Foots.
 
 ^6 . THE MINOR. 
 
 Foots. Why, as foon as my characters be- 
 gin to circulate a little fuccefsfully, my mouth 
 is ftopp'd in a minute, by the clamour of your 
 
 relations, Oh, dam 'me 'tis a ftiame, it 
 
 mould not be, people of diftintion brought 
 upon the ftage ! And fo, out of compliment 
 to your couiins, I am to be beggar'd tor 
 treating the public with the follies of your 
 family, at your own requeft. 
 
 Smart. How can you think I would be 
 fuch a dog? What, the devil, then, are we 
 to have nothing perfonal ? Give .us the ators 
 however. 
 
 Foote. Oh that's ftale. Befides, I think 
 they have, of all men, the bcft right to com- 
 plain. 
 
 Smart. How fo? 
 
 Foote. Becaufe, by rendering them ridi- 
 culous in their profeflipn, you at the fame 
 time injure their pockets. Now as to the 
 other gentry, they have providentially fome- 
 thing belides their underftanding to rely on ; 
 and the only injury they can receive is, that 
 the whole town is then diverted with what 
 before was only the amufement of private 
 parties. 
 
 Canker. Give us then a national portrait : a 
 Scotchman or an Irifhman. 
 
 Foote. If you mean merely the dialect of 
 the two countries, I can't think it either a 
 fubjecl of fatire or hurriour j it is an acciden- 
 tal unhappinefs, for which a man is no more 
 accountable, than for the colour of his hair. 
 Now affectation, I take to be the true comic 
 object. If, indeed, a North Briton, ftruck 
 
 with
 
 .THE MINOR. 7 
 
 with a fcheme of reformation, fhould ad- 
 vance from the banks of the Tweed, to 
 teach the Englifh the true pronunciation of 
 their own language, he would, I think, 
 merit your laughter : . nor would a Dublin 
 mechanic, who, from heading the Liberty- 
 boys in a fkirmifh on Ormond Quay, mould 
 think he had a right to prefcribe military laws 
 to the firft commander in Europe, be a lefs ri- 
 diculous objett. 
 
 Smart. Are there fuch ? 
 
 Foote. If you mean that the blunders of a 
 few peafants, or the partial principles of a 
 iingle fcoundrel, are to (land as chara&erifti- 
 cal marks of a whole country, your pride 
 may produce a laugh ; but believe me, it is at 
 the expence of your underftancling. 
 
 Canker. Heyday, what a fyftem is here ! 
 Laws for laughing ! And pray, fage Sir, in- 
 ftruft us when we may laugh with propriety ? 
 
 Foote. At an old beau, a fuperannuated 
 beauty, a military coward, a fluttering orator, 
 or a gouty dancer. In mort, whoever affe&s 
 to be what he is not, or drives to be what he 
 cannot, is an object worthy the poet's pen, 
 and your mirth. 
 
 Smart. Pfha, I don't know what you mean 
 by your is nots, and cannots damn'd ab- 
 itrufe jargon. Ha, Canker ! 
 
 Cank. Well, but if you will not give us 
 perfons, let us have things. Treat us with a 
 modern amour, and a ftate intrigue, or a 
 
 Foote. And fo amufe the public ear at the 
 expence of private peace. You mud excufe 
 me. 
 
 JB 3 Cank.
 
 8 TSE MINOR. 
 
 4* Cank. And with thefe principles, you ex- 
 pe& to thrive on this fpot ? 
 
 Smart. No, no, it won't do. I tell thee 
 the plain roaft and boil'd of the theatres will 
 never do at this table. We muft have high 
 feafon'd ragouts, and rich fauces. 
 
 Foote. Why, perhaps, by way of defert, I 
 may produce fomething that may hit your pa- 
 late. 
 
 Smart. Your bill of fare ? 
 Foote. What think you of one of thofe 
 itinerant field orators, who, tho' at declared 
 enmity with common fenfe, have the addrefs 
 to poifon the principles, and at the fame time 
 pick the pockets of half our induftrious fel- 
 low fubjech ? 
 
 Canfc. Have a care. Dangerous ground, 
 Ludere cum faeris, you know. 
 
 Foote. Now I look upon it in a different 
 manner. I confider thefe gentlemen in the 
 light of public performers, like myfelf ; and 
 whether we exhibit at Tottenham-court, or 
 the Haymarket, our purpofe is the fame, and 
 the place is immaterial. 
 
 Cank. Why, indeed, if it be confidered 
 Foote. Nay, more, I muft beg leave to afferr, 
 that ridicule , is the only antidote againft this 
 pernicious poifon. This is a madnefs that 
 argument can never cure : and mould a little 
 wholefome feverity be applied, perfecution 
 would be the immediate cry ; where then 
 can we have recourfe, but to the comic mufe ? 
 perhaps the archnefs and feverity of her fmile 
 may redrefs an evil, that the laws cannot 
 reach, or reafonjreclaim. 
 
 Cank.
 
 THE MINOR, 9 
 
 Cank. Why, if it does not cure thofe "al- 
 ready diftemper'd, it may be a means to flop" 
 the infection. 
 
 Smart. But how is your fcheme conduced ? 
 
 Foote. Of that you may judge. We K are 
 juft going upon a repetition of the piece. I 
 mould be glad to have your opinion. 
 
 Smart. \Ve will give it you. 
 
 Foote. One indulgence : As you are Eng- 
 lifhmen, I think, I need not beg, that as 
 from neceffity moft of my performers are neWj 
 you will allow for their inexperience, and en- 
 courage their timidity. 
 
 Smart. But reafonable. 
 
 Foote. Come, then, prompter, begin. 
 
 Pear. Lord, Sir, we are all at a ftand. 
 
 Foote. What's the matter ? 
 
 Pear. Mrs. O-Schohnefy has return'd the 
 part of the bawd j me fays me is a gentle- 
 woman, and it would be a reflexion on her 
 family to do any fuch thing ! 
 
 Foote. Indeed! 
 
 Pear. If it had been only a whore, fays me, 
 I mould not have minded ; becaufe no lady 
 need be afhamed of doing that. 
 
 Foote. Well, there is no help for it ; but 
 thefe gentlemen muft not be difappointed. 
 Well, I'll do the charafter myfelf. 
 
 ACT
 
 10 THE MINOR. 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 Enter Sir William Wealthy, and Mr. Richard 
 Wealthy. 
 
 COME, come, brotheV, I know the world. 
 People who have their attention eternally 
 fixed upon one objeft, can't help being a little 
 narrow in their notions. 
 
 R. Weal. A fagacious remark that, and 
 highly probable, that we merchants, who 
 maintain a conftant correfpondence with the 
 four quarters of the world, mould know lefs 
 of it than your fafhionable fellows, whofe 
 whole experience is bounded by Weftminfter- 
 bridge. 
 
 Sir. Will. Nay, brother, as a proof that I 
 am not blind to the benefit of travelling, 
 George, you know, has been in Germany 
 thefe four years. 
 
 R. Weal Where he is well grounded in 
 gaming and gluttony ; France has furniflied 
 him with fawning and flattery ; Italy equipp'd 
 him with capriols and cantatas : and thus ac- 
 complifh'd, my young gentleman is return'd 
 with a cargo of whores, cooks, valets de 
 chambre, and fiddlefticks, a moft valuable 
 member of the Britifh commonwealth. 
 
 Sir. Will. You diflike then my fyflem of 
 education ? 
 
 R. Weal. Moft fmcerely. 
 
 Sir. Will. The whole ? 
 , JR. Weal. Every particular. 
 
 Sir,
 
 THE MINOR. 11 
 
 Sir. Will. The early part, I fhould imagine, 
 might merit your approbation. 
 
 1L We-flJ/Leaft of all. What, I fuppofe, 
 becaufe he has run the gauntlet thro' a pub- 
 lic fchool, where, at fixteen, he had prac- 
 tis'd more vices than he would otherwife have 
 heard of at fixty. 
 
 Sir, Will. Ha, ha, prejudice. 
 R. Weal. Then, indeed, you removed him 
 to the univerfity ! where, left his morals 
 (hould be mended, and his underftanding im- 
 proved, you fairly fet him free from the re- 
 ftraint of the one, and the drudgery of the 
 other, by the priviledged diftinftion of a filk 
 gown and a velvet cap. 
 
 Sir. Will. And all thefe evils, you think, a 
 city education would have prevented? 
 
 R. Weal. Doubtlcfs. Proverbs, pro- 
 verbs, brother William, convey wholefome 
 inftrution, Idlenefs is the root of all evil. 
 Regular hours, conftant employment, and 
 good example, can't fail to form the mind. 
 
 Sir. Will. Why, truly, brother, had you 
 ftuck to your old civic vices, hypocrify, co- 
 zenage, and avarice, I don't know whether 
 I might not have committed George to your 
 care ; but you cockneys now beat us fub- 
 urbians at our own weapons. What, old 
 boy, times are changed fince the date of thy 
 indentures ; when the (leek, crop eared pren- 
 tice ufed to dangle after his miftrefs, with 'the 
 great bible under his arm, to St. Bride's, on 
 a Sunday ; bring home the text, repeat the 
 divisions of the difcourfe, dine at twelve, and 
 
 regale,
 
 12 THE MINOR. 
 
 regale, upon a gaudy day, with buns and beer 
 
 at Iflington, or Mile-End. 
 
 ' R. Weal Wonderfully facetious ! 
 
 Sir,. Will. Our modem lads are of a dif- 
 ferent metal. They have their gaming clubs 
 in the Garden, their little lodgings, the Tnug 
 depofitories of their rufty fwords, and occa- 
 fional bag-wigs ; their horfes for the turf; ay, 
 and their commiffions of bankruptcy too, be- 
 fore they are well out of their time. 
 
 R. Weal. Infamous afperfion ! 
 
 Sir. Will. But the laft meeting at New- 
 market, lord Lofty received at the hazard- 
 table the identical note from the individual 
 taylor to whom he had paid it but the day 
 before for a new fet of liveries. 
 
 R. Weal. Invention! 
 
 -5V?*. Will. Thefe are anecdotes you will 
 never meet with in your weekly travels from 
 Cateaton-ftreet to your boarded box in Clap- 
 ham, brother. 
 
 R. Wealth. And yet that boarded box, as 
 your prodigal fpendthrift proceeds, will foon 
 be the only feat of the family. 
 
 Sir. Will. May be not. Who knows what 
 a reformation our projeft may produce ! 
 
 R. Wealth. I do. None at all. 
 
 Sir. Will. Whyfo? 
 
 R. Wealth. Becaufe your means are ill- 
 proportioned to their end. Were he my fon, 
 I would ferve him 
 
 Sir. Will. As you have done your daugh- 
 ter. Difcard him. But conlider, I have but 
 one-. 
 
 R. Wealth.
 
 THE MINOR. 13 
 
 R. Wealth. That would weigh nothing 
 with me : for, was Charlotte to fet up a will 
 of her own, and rejeft the man of my choice, 
 ilie muft expe& to mare the fate of her filter. 
 I coniider families as a fmaller kind of king- 
 doms, and would have difobedience in the one 
 as feverely puniihed as rebellion in the other. 
 Both cut off from their refpeclive focieties. 
 
 Sir. Will. Poor Lucy ! But furely you begin 
 to relent. Mayn't I intercede ? 
 
 R. Wealth. Look'e, brother, you know my 
 mind. I will be abfolute. If I meddle witn 
 the management of your fon, it is at your 
 own requeftj but if, direftly or indirectly, 
 you interfere with my banifhment of that 
 wilful, headftrong, difobedient huffy, all ties 
 between us are broke ; and I ihall no more 
 remember you as a brother, than I do her as 
 a child. 
 
 Sir. Will. I have done. But to return. 
 You think there is a probability in my plan ? 
 
 R. Wreath. I mall attend the iffue." 
 
 Sir. Will. You will lend your aid, how- 
 ever ? 
 
 R. Wealth. We mall fee how you go on. 
 
 Enter Servant, 
 
 Serv. A letter, fir. 
 
 Sir. Will. Oh, from Capias, my attorney. 
 Who brought it? 
 
 Serv. The perfon is without, fir. 
 .Sir. Will. Bid him wait. (Reads.} Exit. 
 
 Sen\ 
 Worthy
 
 14 THE MINOR. 
 
 Worthy Sir, 
 
 The bearer* is the perfon I prom if cd to pro- 
 cure. I thought it was proper for you to ex- 
 amine him in viva voce. So if you adminijter 
 a few interrogatories, you rvilljtncl, by crofs- 
 quejtioning him, whether he is a. competent per- 
 fon to profecute the caufe you wot of. I wifli 
 you a fpeedy iffiie: and as there can be ?io de- 
 fault in your judgment, am of opinion it 
 Jbould be carried into immediate execution. 
 J am. 
 
 Worthy Sir, <Sfc. 
 
 TIMOTHY CAPIAS. 
 
 P. S. The party's Name is Samuel Shift. 
 He is an admirable mime or mimic, and mojt 
 delectable company ; as we experience every 
 Tuefday night at our club, the Magpye and 
 Horfe-Jhoe, Fetter-lane. 
 
 Very methodical indeed, Mr. Capias ! John. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Bid the perfon who brought this Letter, walk 
 in. (Exit Serv.) Have you any curiofrty, 
 brother ? 
 
 R. Wealth. Not a jot. I muft to the 
 Change. In the evening you may find me 
 in the counting-houfe, or at Jonathan's. (Exit. 
 
 Sir. Will. You mall hear from me. 
 
 Enter Shift and Servant. 
 Shut the door, John, and remember, I am 
 not at home. [Exit. Serv.] You came from 
 Mr. Capias? 
 
 Shift.
 
 THE MINOR. 15 
 
 Shift. I did, flF. 
 
 Sir. Will. Your name I think is Shift? 
 
 Shift. It is, fir. 
 
 Sir. Will. Did Mr. Capias drop any hint 
 of my bufmefs with you ? 
 
 Shift. None. HQ only faid, with his fpec- 
 tacles on his nofe, and his hand upon his 
 chain, Sir William Wealthy is a refpetable 
 perfonage, and my client ; he wants to re- 
 tain you in a certain affair, and will open the 
 cafe, and give you your brief himfelf : if you 
 adhere to his inftru&ions, and carry your 
 caufe, he is generous, and will difcharge your 
 bill without taxation. 
 
 Sir. Will. Ha ! ha ! my friend Capias to 
 a hair ! Well fir, this is no bad fpecimen of 
 your abilities. But fee that the door is faft. 
 Now fir, you are to 
 
 Shift. A moment's paufe, if you pleafe. 
 You muft know, Sir William, I am a pro- 
 pigious admirer of forms. Now Mr. Capias 
 tells me, that it is always the rule to admi- 
 nifter a retaining fee before you enter upon 
 the merits. 
 
 Sir. Will. Oh, fir, I beg your pardon ! 
 
 Shift. Not that I queftioned your genero- 
 fity ; but forms you know 
 
 Sir. Will. No apology, I beg. But, as we 
 are to have a clofer connection, it may not 
 be amifs, by way of introduction, to under- 
 ftand one another a little. Pray, fir, where 
 was you born ? 
 
 Shift. At my father's. 
 
 Sir. Will. Hum ! And what was he ? 
 
 Shift. A gentleman. 
 
 Sir.
 
 16 THE MINOR. 
 
 Sir. Will. What was you bred ? 
 
 Shift. A gentleman. 
 
 Sir. Will. How do you live ? 
 
 Shift. Like a gentleman. 
 
 Sir. Will. Could nothing induce you to un- 
 bofom yourfelf ? 
 
 Shift. Look'e, Sir William, there is a kind 
 of fomethiri in your countenance, a certain 
 opennefs and gerierofity, a je ne fcai quoi in 
 your manner, that I will unlock . You mail 
 fee me : all. 
 
 Sir. Will You will oblige me. 
 
 Shift. You muft know then, that For- 
 tune, which frequently delights to r?ife the 
 nobleft ftruftures from the fimpleft founda- 
 tions ; who from a taylor made a pope, from 
 a gin-mop an emprefs, and many a prime 
 minifter from nothing at all, has thought 
 fit to raife me to my prefent height, from, 
 the humble employment of Light your Ho- 
 nour A link boy. 
 
 Sir. Will. A pleafant fellow. Who were 
 your parents ? 
 
 Shift. I was produced, fir, by a left-handed 
 marriage, in the language of the news- 
 papers, between an illuftrious lamp-lighter 
 and an eminent itinerant cat and dog butcher. 
 
 Cat's meat, and dog's meat. 1 dare fay, 
 
 you have heard my mother fir. But as to 
 this happy pair, I owe little befides my 
 Being, I mall drop them where they dropt 
 me in the ftreet. 
 
 Sir. Will. Proceed. 
 
 Shift. My firlr. knowledge of the world I 
 owe to a fchool; which has produced many 
 
 a great
 
 THE MINOR. F7 
 
 a great man ; the avenues of the 'Play-houfe. 
 There, fir, leaning on my extinguifli'd link, 
 J learn'd dexterity from pick-pockets, con- 
 nivance from conitables, politics and fafhions 
 from footmen, and the art of making and 
 breaking a promife, from their mafters. 
 Here, iirrah, light me a-crofs the kennel 
 
 1 hope your honour will remember poor 
 
 Jack. You ragged rafcal 1 have no half- 
 pence I'll pay you the next time J fee 
 
 you- But, lack-a-day, fir, that time I faw 
 
 as feldom as his tradefmen. 
 
 Sir. Wm. Very well. 
 
 Shift. TO thefe accomplifhments from with- 
 out the Theatre, I muft add one that I db- 
 tain'd within. 
 
 Sir. Will. How did you gain admittance 
 there ? 
 
 Shift. My merit, fir, that, like my link, 
 
 threw a radiance round me A detach-' 
 
 ment from the head-quarters here, took pof- 
 feflion, in the Cummer, of a country corpo- 
 ration, where I did the honours of the barn, 
 by fweeping the ftage, and clipping the can- 
 dles. There my {kill and addrefs was fo con- 
 fpicuous, that it procured me the fame of 
 rice the enfuing winter, at Drury-Lane, where 
 I acquired intrepidity; the crown of all my 
 virtues, 
 
 Sir. Will, How did you obtain that ? 
 
 Shift. By my poft. For I think, fir, he 
 that dares ftand the mot of the gallery in 
 lighting, fnuffing, and fweeping, the firft 
 night of a new play, may bid defiance to the 
 pillory, with all its cuftomary compliments. 
 3 Sir,
 
 l8 THE MINOR. 
 
 Sir. Will. Some truth in that. 
 
 Skiff. But an unlucky crab-apple, applied 
 to my right eye, by a patriot gingerbread- 
 baker from the Borough, who would not 
 futfer three dancers from Switzerland, becaufe 
 he hated the French, forced me to a precipi- 
 tate retreat. 
 
 Sir. Will. Poor devil? 
 
 Shift. Broglio and Contades have done the 
 Came. But as it happen'd, like a tennis-ball, 
 I rofe higher than the rebound. 
 
 Sir. Will. How fo ? 
 
 Shift. My misfortune, fir, moved* the com- 
 panion of one of our performers, a whimfi- 
 cal man ; he took me into his fervice. To 
 him I owe, what I believe will make me 
 ufeful to you, 
 
 Sir. Will. Explain. 
 
 Skiff. Why, fir, my matter was remarkably 
 happy in an art, which, however difefteem'd 
 at prefent, is by Tully, reckon'd among!! 
 the perfections of an orator ; Mimickry. 
 
 Sir. Will. Why, you are deeply read Mr. 
 Shift ! 
 
 Shift, A fmattering But, as I was faying, 
 fir, nothing came amifs to my matter. Bi- 
 peds, or quadrupeds ; rationals, or animals ; 
 from the clamour of the bar, to the cackle 
 of the barn-door ; from the foporific twang 
 of the tabernacle of Tottenham-Court, to 
 the melodious bray of their long ear'd bre- 
 thren in Bunhill-Fields ; all were objects of 
 his imitation, and my attention. In a word, 
 fir, for two whole years, under this profef- 
 for, I ftudied and ftarved, impoverifli'd my 
 
 body,
 
 THE MINOR. 19 
 
 body, and pamper'd my mind ; till thinking 
 mvfelf pretty rear equal to my mafter, I made 
 him one of his own bows, and fet up for my- 
 felf. 
 
 Sir Wit!-. You have been fuccefsfuH hope. 
 
 Shift: Pretty well ; I can't complain. My 
 art, fir, is a pafse-par-tout. I feldom want 
 templdyment. Let's fee, how ftand my en- 
 gagements. [Pulls out a pocket-boolc] Hum, 
 hiim, Oh ! Wednefday, at Mrs. Gam- 
 mut's, near Hanover-fquare ; there, there, I 
 mall make a meal upon the Mingotti ; for 
 her ladyfliip is in the opera int'ereft ; but, 
 however, I illall revenge her caufe ilpon her 
 rival Mattei. Sunday evening at Lady Su- 
 ftiriuto's concert. Thurfday I dine upon the 
 attors, with ten Templars, at the Mitre in 
 Fleet-rtreet. Friday I am to give the amo- 
 rous parley of two intriguing cats in a gutter; 
 with the difturbihg of a hen^roorf; at Mr. 
 Deputy Sugarfops, near the Monument. So 
 iir, you fee my hands are full. In fhort, Sir 
 William', there is not a buck or a turtle' de- 
 voured within the bills of mortality, but there I 
 may, if I pleafe, ftick a. napkin under my chin. 
 .Sir Wilt. I'm afraid, Mr. Shift, I muft 'break 
 in a little upon your engagements ; but you, 
 mall be no lofer by the bargain. 
 
 Shift. Command me. 
 
 6V/- \Vill-. You can be fe'cret as well as fer- 
 viceable r 
 
 Shift. Mute as a mackarel. 
 
 Sir Will. Come hither then. If you betray 
 me to my fon. 
 
 Shift. Scalp me. 
 
 c Sif
 
 20 THE MINOR, 
 
 Sir Will. Enough. You imiit know then, 
 the hopes of our family, arc, Mr. Shift, cen- 
 tered in one boy. 
 
 Shift. And I warrant he is a hopeful one, 
 Sir Will. No interruption, I beg. George 
 has been abroad thefe four years, and from 
 his late behaviour, I -have reafon to believe, 
 that had a certain event happened, which I 
 am afraid he wilhed, my death 
 
 Shift. Yes ; that's natural enough. 
 
 Sir Will. Nay, pray, there would foon be 
 an end to an ancient and honourable family. 
 
 Shift. Very melancholy, indeed. But fa- 
 milies, like befoms, will wear to the (lumps, 
 and finally fret out, as you fay. 
 
 Sir Will. Pr'ythee peace for five minutes. 
 
 Shift. I am tongue-tied. 
 
 Sir Will. Now I have projected a fcheme 
 io prevent this calamity. 
 
 Shift, 4-y, I mould be glad to hear that, 
 
 Sir Will. I am going to tell it you. 
 
 Shift. Proceed. 
 
 Sir Will, George, as I have contrived it, 
 mall experience all the mifery of real ruin, 
 without running the leaft rifque. 
 
 Shift. Ay^ that will be a coup de maitre. 
 
 Sir Will. I have prevailed upon his uncle, 
 a wealthy citizen. 
 
 Shift. I don't like a city plot. 
 
 Sir Will. I tell thee it is my own. 
 
 Shift. I beg pardon. 
 
 , Sir Will. My brother, I fay, fome time 
 lince wrote him a circumftantial account of 
 my death ; upon which he is returned, in full 
 expectation of fucceeding to my eftate. 
 
 4 ; Shift.
 
 THE MINOR. 
 
 Shift i Immediately ? 
 
 &'r WilL No; when at age. In about three 
 tnonths. 
 
 Shift. I underftand you. 
 
 Sir Will. Now, fir, gueffing into what hands 
 myheedlefs boy would naturally fall, on his 
 return, I have in a feign'd charater, aflbciated 
 myfelf with a fet of rafcals, who will fpread 
 every bait that can flatter folly, inflame extra- 
 vagance, allure inexperience, or catch credu- 
 lity* And when, by t. eir means, he thinks 
 himfelf reduced to the laft extremity} loft even 
 to the moft diftant hope 
 
 Shift. What then? 
 
 ' Sir WilL Then will I ftep in, like his 'guar- 
 dian-angel, and fnatch him from- perdition. 
 If mortified by mifery, he becomes confciou$ 
 of his errors, I have faved my fon j but if, on 
 the other hand, gratitude can't bind, nor ruin 
 reclaim him, I will caft him out, as an alien 
 to my blood, and truft for the fupport of my 
 name and family to a remoter branch. 
 
 Shift. Bravely refolved, But what part am 
 I to fuftain in this drama ? 
 
 Sir WilL Why George, you are to know, 
 is already ftript of what money he could com- 
 mand, by two (harpers: but as I never truft 
 them out of my fight they can't deceive me, 
 
 Shift. Out of your fight ! 
 
 Sir WilL Why, I tellthee,! am one of the 
 knot j an adept in their fcience, can flip, muffle, 
 cog, of cut with the beft of 'em. 
 
 Shift. How do you efcape your fon's notice? 
 
 Sir Will. His firm perfuafion of my death, 
 
 with the extravagance of my difguife. 
 
 c 2 tion
 
 2 THE MINOR. 
 
 Why, I would engage to elude your penetra- 
 tion, when I am beau'cl for the baron. But of 
 that by and by. He has recourfe, after his ill 
 fuccefs, to the cent, per cent, gentry, ufurers, 
 for a further fupply. 
 
 Shift. Natural enough. 
 
 Sir Will. Pray do you know, I forgot his 
 name, a wrinkled old fellow, in a thread- 
 bare coat ? He fits every morning, from twelve 
 till two, in the left corner of Lloyd's coffee- 
 houfe ; and every evening, from five till eight, 
 under the clock, at the Temple-exchange* 
 
 Shift. What, little Transfer the broker ! 
 
 Sir Will. The fame. Do you know him ? 
 
 Shift. Know him ! Ay, rot him. It was but 
 laft Eaiter Tuefday, he had me turn'd out at a 
 feaft, in Leather-feller's Hall, for fmging 
 Room for Cuckolds, like a parrot; and vowed 
 it meant a rerlettion upon the whole body cor-, 
 porate. 
 
 Sir Will. You have reafon to remember him. 
 
 Shift. Yes, yes, I recommended a minor to 
 
 him myfelf, for the loan only of fifty pounds; 
 
 and would you believe it, as I hope to be faved^ 
 
 we dined, flipped, and wetted five-and-thirty 
 
 fuineas upon tick, in meetings at the Crofs- 
 eys, in order to fettle the terms ; and after all, 
 the fcoundrel would not lend us a ftiver. 
 Sir Will. Could you perfonate him ? 
 Shift. Him ! Oh, you (hall fee me fliift into 
 his mamble in a minute : and with a withered 
 face, a bit of a purple nofe, a cautionary Ham- 
 mer, and a lleek iilver head, I would under- 
 take to deceive even his banker. But to 
 fpeak the truth, I have a friend that can do this 
 
 inimu
 
 THE MINOR. 
 
 * 
 
 inimitably well. Have not you fome thing of 
 more confequence for me? 
 
 '$'/; Will. I have. Could not you, matter 
 Shift, aflfume another fhape? You have at- 
 tended auctions. 
 
 Shift. Auctions ! a conftant puff. Deep 
 in the myitery; a profeiled connoiffeur, from 
 a Niger to a nautilus, from the Apollo ^el- 
 videre to a butterfly. 
 
 Sir Will. One of thefe infmuating, oily ora- 
 tors I will get you to perfonate : for we muft 
 have the plate and jewels in our poffeffipn, or 
 they willloon fall into other hands. 
 
 Shift. I will do it. 
 
 Sir Will. Within I'll give you farther inftruc- 
 tions. 
 
 Shift. I'll follow you. 
 
 Sir Will. [Going, returns.] You will want , 
 materials. 
 
 Shift. Oh, my drefs I can be furniflied with 
 in five minutes. \Exit Sir Will.'] A whim- 
 iical old blade this. I (hall laugh if this fcheme 
 niifcarries. I have a ftrange mind to lend it a 
 lift never had a greater Php, a tiamn'd un- 
 natural connection this of mine ! What have I 
 to do with fathers and guardians j a parcel of 
 preaching, prudent, careful, curmudgeonly 
 dead to plcafures themfelves, and the blailers 
 
 of it in others- Mere dogs in a manger No, 
 
 no, I'll veer, tac]c about, open my budget to 
 the boy, and join in a counter-plot, But hold, 
 hold, friend Stephen, fee firft how the land lie's. 
 Who knows whether this Germanized genius 
 has parts to comprehend, or fpirit to reward 
 thy merit. There's danger in that, aye, marry 
 c 3 is
 
 THE MINOR. 
 
 is there. 'Egad before I fliift the helm, I'll 
 firft examine the coait ; and then if there be 
 but a bold more, and a good bottom, have a 
 care old Square Toes, you will meet with your 
 match. 
 
 Enter Sir George, Loader, and Servant, 
 
 Sir Geo. Let the Martin pannels for the vis- 
 a-vis be carried to Long-Acre, and the pye- 
 
 balls fent to Hall's to be bitted You will 
 
 give me leave to be in your debt till the even- 
 ing, Mr. Loader. I have juft enough left to 
 difcharge the baron ; and we muft, you know, 
 be punctual with him, for the credit of the 
 country. 
 
 Load. Fire him, a fnub-nofed fon of a bitch. 
 Levant me, but he got enough laft night to 
 purchafe a principality amongft his countryr 
 men, the High-dutchians and Hungarians. 
 
 Sir Geo. You had your (hare^ Mr. Loader. 
 
 Load. Who, I ! Lurch rne at four, but I 
 was marked to the top of your trick, by the 
 baron, my dear, What, I am no cinque and 
 quartre man. Come, (hall we have a dip in 
 the hiilory of the Four Kings this morning ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Rather too early. Belides, it is 
 the rule abroad, never -to engage a-frcfh, till 
 our old fcores are difcharge d. 
 
 Load. Capot me, but thofe lads abroad are 
 pretty fellows, let'em fay what they will. 
 Here* fir, they will vowel you, from father to 
 fon, to the twentieth generation. They 
 would as foon now-a-days pay a tradefman's 
 bill, as a play debt. AH fenfe of honour is 
 
 goqe
 
 THE MINOR. 2J. 
 
 gone, not a ftiver ftirring. They could as 
 ibon raife the dead as two pounds two ; nick 
 me, but I have a great mind to tie up, and 
 ruin the rafcals What, has Transfer been 
 here this morning ? 
 
 Enter Dick, 
 
 Sir Geo. Any body here this morning, 
 Dick? 
 
 Dick. No body, your honour. 
 
 Load. Repique the rafcal. He promifed to 
 be here before me, 
 
 Dick. I beg your honour's pardon. Mrs. 
 Cole from the Piazza was here, between feven 
 and eight, 
 
 Si?" Geo. An early hour for a lady of her 
 .calling. 
 
 Dick f *Mercy on me ! The poor gentle- 
 woman is mortally altered fince we ufed to 
 lodge there, in our jaunts from Oxford; wrapt 
 up in flannels: all over the rheumatife. 
 
 Load. Ay, ay, old Moll is at her laft ftake, 
 
 Dick.. She bade me fay, me juft ftopt in her 
 way to the tabernacle ; after the exhortations, 
 ihe fays, fhe'll call again, 
 
 Sir Geo. Exhortation ! Oh, I recolleft. 
 Well, whilft they only make profelytes from 
 that profeffion, they are heartily welcome to 
 
 them. She does not mean to make me a 
 
 convert? 
 
 Dick. I believe fhe has feme fuch defign 
 upon me: for Ihe offered me a book of hymns, 
 a {hilling, and a dram, to go along with her. 
 
 Sir Geo. No bad fcherne, Dick. Thou haft 
 c 4 a fine
 
 26 TH MINOR. 
 
 a fine fober, pfalmrfmging countenance; and 
 when thou haft been Tome time in their tram- 
 mels, may make as able a teacher as the belt 
 of 'em. 
 
 Dick. Laud fir, I want learning. 
 
 S/r Geo. Oh, the fpirit, the fpirit will fup- 
 ply all that, Dick, never tear. 
 
 Enter Sir William, as a German Baron. 
 
 My dear baron, what news from the Hay- 
 rnarket? What fays the Florenza? Does me 
 yield ? Shall I be happy ? Say yes, and conv 
 mand my fortune. 
 
 Sir Will. I was never did fee fo fine a wo- 
 man fmce I was leave Hamburgh ; dere was 
 all de colour, alj red and white, dat was quite 
 natural; point d'artifice. Then (he was dance 
 and ling I vow tp heaven, I was never fee de 
 like! 
 
 Sir Geo, But how did {he receive my em- 
 baflyr What hopes? 
 
 Sir Will. Why dere was, monfieur le che- 
 valier, when I firft enter, dree or four damn'd 
 queer people ! ah, ah, dought I, by gad I 
 guefs your bufmefs. Dere was one fat big 
 woman's, dat I know long time: le valet de 
 chambre was tell me dat fhe came from a 
 grand merchant ; ha, ha, dought 1, by your 
 leave, ftick to your fhop ; or, if you mult have de 
 pritty girl, dere is de play-hous, dat do very 
 well for you ; but for de opera, pardonnez, by 
 'gar dat is meat for your mailer. 
 
 Sir Geo. Infolent mechanic ! but fhe de- 
 fpifed Jiim? 
 
 Sir
 
 TJfE MINOR, $7 
 
 Sir Will. Ah, mayfoy,,he is damn'd rich, 
 has beaucoup de guineas ; but after de fat wo- 
 man go, I was tell thefignora, madam, dere is 
 one certain chevalier of dis country, who has 
 travelled, fee de world, bien fait, well made, 
 beaucoup d'Efprir, a great deal of monies, who 
 beg, by gar, to have de honour to cliow hirti- 
 felf at your feet. 
 
 Sir Geo. Well, wejl, baron. 
 
 Sir Will. She aika your name ; as foon a$ 
 J tell her, aha, by gar, dans an inftant, {lie 
 pielt like de iomp of fugar : fhe run to her bu- 
 reau, and, in de minute, return wid de paper, 
 
 i>ir G<*'o r Give it me, 
 
 Lcs preliminaires dune Iraite entrc k cheva- 
 lier Wealthy t and la tiignora Florenza. 
 
 A bagatelle, a trjf}e; flie fliall have it. 
 
 Load. Hark'e, kni^fyt., what is all that there 
 outlandifh ft-iiff? 
 
 Sir Geo. Read, read. The eloquence of an- 
 gels, my dear baron! 
 
 Load. Slam me, but the man's mad 1 I don't 
 underftand their gibberifh -What is it in Emr- 
 
 Sir Geo. The preliminaries oT a fubfidy trea- 
 ty, between Sir G. Wealthy, and SignoraFlo- 
 renza? that the faid Signora will reiign the 
 pofleflion of her perfon to the faid Sir George, 
 on the payment of three hundred guineas 
 monthly, for equipage, table, domeftics, drefs, 
 dogs, and diamonds; her debts to be duly 
 difcharged, and a note advanced of five hun- 
 dred by way of entrance. 
 
 Load.
 
 25 THE MINOR. 
 
 Load. Zounds, what a cormorant ! She 
 rouft be devilifh handfome. 
 
 Sir Geo. I am told fo. 
 
 Load. Told fo ! Why, did you never fee 
 her? 
 
 Sir Geo, No; and pombly never may, but 
 from my box at the opera. 
 
 Load. Hey-dey ! Why, what the devil 
 
 Sir Geo. Ha, ha, you ftare, I don't wonder 
 at it. This is an elegant refinement, unknown 
 to the grofs voluptuaries of this part of the 
 world. This is, Mr. Loader, what may be 
 called a debt to your dignity : for an opera 
 girl is as eflential a piece of equipage for a 
 man of fafhion, as his coach, 
 
 L'oad. The devil i 
 
 Sir Geo. 'Tis for the vulgar only to enjoy 
 what they poflefs : the diftinttion of ranks 
 and conditions are, to have hounds, and ne- 
 ver hunt ; cooks, and dine at taverns ; houfes 
 vou never inhabit ; miftrefles, ,you never en- 
 joy 
 
 Load, And debts, you never pay. Egad, I 
 
 am not furpriz'd at it; if this be your 1 trade, 
 no wonder that you want money for neceffa*- 
 ries, when you give fuch a damn'd deal for 
 nothing at all. 
 
 Enter Servant, 
 
 Serv. Mrs, Cole, to wait upon your ho- 
 nour. 
 
 Sir Geo, My dear baron, run, difpatch my 
 affair, conclude my treaty, and thank her for 
 the very reafonable conditions. 
 
 Sir Will. I fall, 
 
 Sir
 
 THE MINOR. 29 
 
 Sir Geo. Mr. Loader, mall I trouble you 
 to introduce the lady ? She is, I think, your 
 acquaintance. 
 
 Load. Who, old Moll? Ay, ay, flic's your 
 market-woman, I wou'd not give fix-pence 
 for your fignoras. One armful of good, 
 wholeforne Britilli beauty, is worth a fhip- 
 load of their trapfing, tawdry trollops. But 
 hark'e, baron, how much for the table? Why, 
 /lie mud have a devililh large family, or a mon- 
 ilrous ftomacli. 
 
 Sir Will. Ay, ay, dere is her moder, la 
 complaifante to walk in de Park, and to go to 
 de play ; two broders, deux valets, dree Spaniili 
 lap-dogs, and de monkey. 
 
 Load. Strip me, if I wou'd fet five fhil- 
 Jings againft the whole gang. May my parr^ 
 ner renounce with the game in his hand, if 
 
 \ were you, knight, jf I would not 
 
 [Ex. Bar. 
 
 Si?- Geo. But/the lady waits. [Ex. Load.] 
 A ftrange fellow this! What a whirnfical 
 jargon he talks ! Not an idea abftracled from 
 play ? To fay truth, \ am fincerely lick of my 
 acquaintance .' But, however, I have the 
 firll people in the kingdom to keep me in 
 countenance. Death and the dice level all 
 diftinftions. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Cole, /imported by Loader and 
 'Dick. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Gently, gently, good Mr 
 Loader. 
 
 Load. Come along, old Moll. Why, you 
 jade, you look as rofy this morning, I muft 
 
 have
 
 SO THE MINOR. 
 
 have a fmack at your mums. Here, taflo hep, 
 (he is as good as old hock to get yc i a fto- 
 mach. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Fie, Mr. Loader, I thought you 
 had forgot me. 
 
 Load. I forgot you ! I would as foon forcget 
 what is trumps. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Softly, foftly, young man. 
 There, there, mighty well. And how does 
 -your honour do ? I han't feen your honour, 
 I can't tell the Oh ! mercy on me, there's 
 a twing 
 
 Sir Geo. What is the matter, Mrs. Cole? 
 
 Mrs. Cole. My old diforder, the rheuma- 
 tife j I han't been able to get a wink of 
 Oh la ! What, you have been in town thefe 
 two days? 
 
 Sir Geo. Since Wednefday. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. And never once call'd upon old 
 Cole. No, no, I am worn out, thrown by 
 and forgotten, like a tatter'd garment, as Mr. 
 Squintum fays. Oh, he is a dear man ! But 
 for him I had been a loft fheep ; never known 
 the comforts of the new birth ; no, There's 
 your old friend, Kitty Carrot, at home frill. 
 What, mall we fee you this evening ? I have 
 kept the green room for you ever fince I heard 
 you were in town, 
 
 Load. What (hall we take a fnap at old 
 Moll's Hey, beldam, have you a good batch 
 of Burgundy abjoch ? 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Bright as a ruby ; and for fla- 
 vour ! You know the colonel He and Jenny 
 Cummins drank three rlaiks, hand to fift, laft 
 night. 
 
 Load.
 
 THE MINOR. SI 
 
 Load What, bilk thee of thy mare? 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Ah, don't mention it, Mr. 
 Loader. No, that's all over with me. The 
 time has been, when I could have earned 
 thirty (hillings a day by my own drinking, 
 and the next morning was neither fick nor 
 forry: But now, O laud, a thimbleful turns 
 me topfy-turvy. 
 
 Load. Poor old girl ! 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Aye, I have done with thefe idle 
 vanities ; my thoughts are fix'd upon a bet- 
 ter place. What, I fuppofe, Mr. Loader, 
 you will be for your old friend the black-eyed 
 girl, from Rofemary-lane. Ha, ah! Well, 
 'tis a merry little tit. A thoufand pities fhe's 
 
 fuch a reprobate ! But flie'll mend ; her 
 
 time is not come : all fhall have their call, 
 as Mr. Squintum fays, fooner or later ; rege- 
 neration is not the work of a day. No, no, 
 no, Oh ! 
 
 Sir Gco. Not worfe I hope. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Rack, rack, gnaw, gnaw, ne 1 - 
 ver eafy, a-bed or up all's one. Pray, honeft 
 friend,, have you any clary, or mint-water in 
 the houfe ? 
 
 Dick. A cafe of French drams. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Heaven defend me ! I would not 
 touch a dram for the world. 
 
 Sir Gco. They are but cordials, Mrs. Cole. 
 Fetch 'em, you blockhead. \Ex. Dick.] 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Aye, I am a going ; a wafting 
 and a wafting, Sir George. What will 
 become of the houfe when I am gone, hea- 
 ven knows No. When people are 
 
 mifs'd, then they are mourned. Sixteen year* 
 
 have
 
 32f THE MINOR. 
 
 have I lived in the Garden, comfortably and 
 creditably ; and, though I fay it, could have 
 got bail any hour of the day , Reputable 
 tradefmen, Sir George, neighbours Mr* 
 Loader knows 3 no knock-me-down doings 
 in my houfe. A fet of regular, fedate, fober 
 cuftomers. No rioters. Sixteen did I fay 
 Aye, eighteen years I have paid fcot and lot 
 in the parim of St. Paul's, and during the 
 whole time, nobody have faid, Mrs. Cole, 
 why do you fo ? Unlefs twice that I was be- 
 fore Sir Thomas De VaJ, and three times in 
 the round-houfe. 
 
 Sir Geo. Nay, don't weep, Mrs. Cole, 
 Load. May I lofe deal, with an honour ,at 
 bottom, if old Moll does not bring tears into 
 my eyes. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. However, it is a comfort, after 
 all, to think one has paft through the world 
 with credit and character. Ah ! a good name, 
 as Mr. Squintum fays a is better than a gallipot 
 of ointment. 
 
 Enter Dfck t icilk a dram. 
 
 Load. Come, hafte, Dick, hade; forrow 
 is dry. Here, Moll, fhall I fill thee a bum- 
 per ? 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Hold, hold, Mr. Loader! ^.Hea- 
 ven help you, I could as foon fwallow the 
 Thames. Only a lip, to keep the gout out of 
 my ftomach- 
 
 Load. Why then, here's to thee. Levant 
 me, but it is fupernaculum Speak when you 
 have enough. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. I won't trouble you for the glafs ; 
 
 my
 
 THE MINOR. 33 
 
 my hands do fo tremble and make, I mall but 
 fpill the good creature. 
 
 Load. Well pull'd. But now to bufinefs. 
 Pr'ythce, Moll, did not I fee a tight young 
 wench, in a linen gown, knock at your door 
 this morning? 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Aye ; a young thing from the 
 country. 
 
 Load. Could we not get a peep at her this 
 evening ? 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Impoflible ! She is engaged to 
 Sir Timothy Totter. I have taken earneft for 
 her thefe three months. 
 
 Load. Pho ! what fignifies fuch a fellow as 
 that. Tip him an old trader, and give her to 
 the knight. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Tip him an old trader ! Mercy 
 on us ! where do you expeft to go when you 
 die, Mr, Loader ? 
 
 Load. Crop me, but this Squintum has 
 turned her brains ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Nay, Mr. Loader, I think the 
 gentleman has wrought a moft happy reforma- 
 tion. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Oh, it was a wonderful work ! 
 There^had I been toffing in a fea of fin with- 
 out rudder or compafs ; and had not the good 
 gentleman piloted me into the harbour of 
 grace, I muft have ftruck againfl the rocks of 
 reprobation, and have been quite fwallowed 
 up in the whirlpool of defpair. He was the 
 precious inftrument of my fpiritual fprinkling. 
 But, however, Sir George, if your mind be 
 fet upon a young country thing, to-morrow 
 night, I believe, i can funulh you.
 
 34- THE 
 
 Lbad. As how? 
 
 Mrs. Cole. I have adverttfed this morningy 
 in the regifter office, 'for fervants under feven- 
 teen : and ten to one but I light on fomething 
 that will do. 
 
 Load. Pillor me, but it has a face. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Truly, confidently with my 
 confcience, I would do any thing for youf 
 honour. 
 
 Sir Geo. Right, Mrs. Cole, never lofe fight 
 of that monitor. But, pray, how long has this 
 Jaeavenly change been wrought in you ? 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Ever fince my laft vifitation of the 
 gouk Upon my firft fit, feven years ago, I 
 began to have my doubts, and my waverings ; 
 but I was loft in a labyrinth, and no body to 
 (hew me the road. One timd I thought of 
 dying a Roman$ which is truly a comfortable? 
 communion enough for one of us : bat it would 
 not do,- 
 
 Sir Gco. Why not r 
 
 Mrs. Cole. I went, one fummer, over to 
 Boulogne, to repent ; and, would you believe 
 it, the bare-footed, bald-pate beggars would 
 Ijot give me abfolution without I quitted my^ 
 
 buimefs- Did you ever hear of fuch a fet of 
 
 fcabby Befides, I could not bear their bar- 
 barity. Would you believe it, Mr. llpader.- 
 they lock up for their lives, in a nunnery, the 
 
 prettied, fweeteft, tender young things ! 
 
 Oh, fix of them for a feafon would finifh my 
 bufmefs here ; and then I fhould have nothing 
 to do, but to think of hereafter. 
 
 Load. Brand me, what a country ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh, fcandalous ! 
 
 Mr*,
 
 35 
 
 Jl/rs. Cole. O no, it would not do. So, in 
 my laft illnefs, I was wifhed to Mr. Squintum, 
 who ftepped in with his favirig grace, got me 
 with the new birth, and I became, as you fee, 
 regenerate, and another creature. 
 
 Enter Dick. . 
 
 Dick. Mr. Transfer, Sir^ has fent to know 
 if you be at home. 
 
 Sir Geo. Mrs. Cole; I am mortified to part 
 with you. But, bulinefs, you know . 
 
 Mrs. Cole. True, Sir George. Mr. Ldader, 
 your arm- : Gently -oh ! oh ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Would you take another thimble- 
 ful, Mrs. Cole ? 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Not a drop I fhall fee you this 
 evening ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Depend Upon me. 
 
 Airs. Cole. To-morrow I hope to fuit you 
 ' We are to have, at the tabernacle, an occa- 
 fional hymn, with a thankfgiving fermori for 
 my recovery. After which I {hall call at the 
 regifter office, and fee what goods my adver- 
 tifement has brought in. 
 
 Sir Geo. Extremely obliged to you, Mrs. 
 Cole. 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Or, if that mould not do, I have 
 a tid bit at home, will uiit your ftpmach. 
 Never brufhed by a beard. Well, heaven 
 
 blefs you Softly have a care, Mr. Loader 
 
 = Richard, you may as well give me the bot- 
 tle into the chair, for fear I mould be taken ill 
 on the road. Gently fo, fo ! 
 
 [Exit Mrs. Cole and Loader* 
 
 D Sir
 
 36 THE MINOR, 
 
 Sir Ceo. Dick, (hew Mr. Transfer in 
 Ha, ha, what a hodge podge ! How the jade 
 has jumbled together the carnal and the fpi- 
 ritual ; with what eafe (he reconciles her new 
 birth to her old calling ! No wonder thefe 
 preachers have plenty of profelytes, whilft 
 they have the addrefs fo comfortably to 
 blend the hitherto jarring interefts of the 
 two worlds. 
 
 Enter Loader. 
 
 Well, knight, I have houfed her; but they 
 Want you within, fir. 
 
 Sir Gco. I'll go to them immediately. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Dick. 
 
 MY matter will come to you prefently. 
 Enter Sir George. 
 
 Sir Geo. Mr. Transfer, your fervant. 
 
 Tranf. Your honour's very humble. I 
 thought to have found Mr. Loader here. 
 
 Sir Geo. He will return immediately. 
 
 Well, Mr. Transfer but take a chair 
 
 you have had a long walk. Mr Loader, I 
 orefume, opened to you the urgency of my 
 bufinefs. 
 
 Tranf. Aye, aye, the general cry, money, 
 money ! I don't know, for my part, where 
 all the money is flown to. Formerly a note, 
 with a tolerable endorfement, was as current 
 
 as
 
 THE MINOR. 7S 
 
 as cam. If your uncle Richard now would 
 join in this fecurity 
 
 Sir Geo. Impomble, 
 
 Tranf. Aye, like enough. I wifh you were 
 of age. 
 
 Sir Geo. So do I. But as that will be con- 
 fidered in the premium 
 
 Tranf. True, true, 1 fee you underftand 
 
 bufmefs And what fum does your honour 
 lack at prefent ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Lack ! How much have you 
 
 brought ? 
 
 Tranf. Who, I ? Dear me ! none. 
 
 Sir Geo. Zounds, none ! 
 
 Tranf. Lack-a-day, none to be had, I 
 think. All the morning have I been upon 
 the hunt. There, Ephraim Barebones, the 
 tallow chandler, in Thames-ftreet, ufed to 
 be a never-failing chap ; not a guinea to be 
 got there. Then I tottered away to Nebu- 
 chadnezzar Zeb-ulon, in the Old Jewry, but 
 it happened to be Saturday ; and they never 
 touch on the Sabbath, you know. 
 
 Sir Geo. Why what the devil can I do ? 
 
 TranJ'. Good me, I did not know your 
 honour had been fo preflkd. 
 
 Sir Geo. My honour preffed ! Yes, my ho- 
 nour is not only prefled, but ruined, unlefs I 
 can raife money to redeem it. That block- 
 head, Loader, to depend upon this old doat- 
 ing- 
 
 Tranf. Well, well, now I declare, I am 
 quite forry to fee your honour in fuch a taking. 
 
 Sir Geo. Damn your forrow. 
 Tranf. But come, don't be caft down: 
 D 2 Tho
 
 S8 THE MINOR. 
 
 Tho' money is not to be had, money's worth 
 may, and that's the fame thing. 
 Sir Geo. How, dear Transfer ? 
 Tranf. Why I have, at my warehoufe in 
 the city, ten cafks of whale-blubber, a large 
 cargo of Dantzick dowlas, with a curious 
 affortment of Birmingham hafts, and Whitney 
 blankets for exportation. 
 Sir Geo. Hey ! 
 
 Tranf. And flay, (lay, then, again, at my 
 country-houfe, the bottom of Gray's Inn- 
 Lane, there's a hundred ton of fine old hay, 
 only damaged a little laft winter, for want of 
 thatching; with forty load of flint (tones. 
 Sir Ceo. Well. 
 
 Tranf. Your honour may have all thefe for 
 a reafonable profit, and convert them into 
 ca(h. 
 
 Sir Geo. Blubber and blankets? Why, you 
 pld rafcal, do you banter me ? 
 
 Tranf. Who I? O la', marry, heaven 
 forbid. 
 
 Sir Geo. Get out of my you fluttering 
 fcoundrel. 
 
 Tranf. If your honour would but hear 
 
 me 
 
 Sir Geo. Troop, I fay, unlefs you have a 
 mind to go a (liorter way than you came. 
 [Exit. TV.] And yet there is fomething fo un- 
 commonly ridiculous in his propofal, that 
 were my mind more at eafe [Enter Loader.] 
 So, fir, you have recommended me to a fine 
 fellow. 
 
 Load. What's the matter? 
 
 Sir
 
 THE MINOR, 30 
 
 Sir Geo. He can't fupply me with a (hil- 
 ling ; and wants, beiides, to make me a dealer 
 in dowlas. 
 
 Load. Aye, and a very good commodity 
 too. People that are upon ways and means, 
 muft not be nice, knight. A pretty piece of 
 work you have made here ! Thrown up the 
 cards, with the game in your hands. 
 
 Sir Gco. Why, pr'ythee of what ufe would 
 his - 
 
 Load. Ufe ! of every ufe. Procure you 
 the fpankers, my boy. I have a broker, that 
 in a twinkling, (hall take off your bargain. 
 
 Sir Geo. Indeed ! 
 
 Load. Indeed ! Aye, indeed. You fit down 
 to hazard and not know the chances ! I'll 
 call him back. Holloa, Transfer. A pretty 
 little, bufy, buftling You may travel miles, 
 before you will meet with his match. If 
 there is one pound in the city, he will get it- 
 He creeps, like a ferret, into their bags, and 
 makes the yellow boys bolt again. 
 
 Enter Transfer. 
 
 Come hither, little Transfer ; what, man, 
 our Minor was a little too hafty ; he did not 
 understand trap : knows nothing of the game, 
 my dear. 
 
 Tranf. What I faid, was to ferve Sir George - f 
 as he feem'd 
 
 Load. I told him fo ; well, well, we will 
 take thy commodities, were they as many 
 more. But try, pr'ythee, if thou could'ft not 
 procure us fome of the ready, for prefent 
 fpending. 
 
 Traiif. JLet me confider. 
 
 D Load,
 
 40 THE MINOR. 
 
 Load* Aye, do, come : muffle thy brains 
 never fear the baronet. To let a lord of lands 
 want miners; 'tis a fhame. 
 
 Tranf, I do recollet, in this quarter of 
 the town, an old friend, that ufed to do things 
 in this way. 
 
 Load. Who ? 
 
 Tranf. Statute, the fcrivener. 
 
 Load, Slam me, but he has nicked the 
 chance. 
 
 Tranf. A. hard man, matter Loader ! 
 
 Sir Geo. No matter. f 
 
 Tranf. His demands are exorbitant. 
 
 Sir Geo. That is no fault of ours, 
 
 Load, Well faid, knight! 
 
 Tranf. But to fave time, I had better men- 
 tion his terrus. 
 
 Load. Unneceflary. 
 
 Tranf. Five per cent, legal intereft. 
 
 Sir Geo He mall have it. 
 
 Tranf. Ten, the premium. 
 
 Sir Geo. No more words. 
 
 Tranf. Then, as you are not of age, five 
 more for enfuring your life. 
 
 Load. We will give it. 
 
 Tranf. As for what he will demand for the 
 rifque 
 
 Sir Geo. He {hall be fatisfied. 
 
 Tranf. You pay the attorney. - 
 
 Sir Geo. Amply, amply; Loader, difpatch 
 him. 
 
 Load, There, there, little Transfer; now 
 every thing is fettled. All terms ihall be 
 complied with, reafonable or unreafonable. 
 
 What,
 
 THE MINOR. 41 
 
 What, our principal is a man of honour. 
 [Exit. 7V. 1 Hey, my knight, this is doing 
 bufmefs. This pinch is a fare card. 
 
 lie-enter Transfer. 
 
 Tranf. I had forgot one thing. I am no* 
 the principal ; you pay the brokerage. 
 
 Load. Aye, aye j and a handfome prefent 
 into the bargain, never fear. 
 
 Tranf. Enough, enough. 
 
 Load. Hark'e, Transfer, we'll take the Bir- 
 mingham hafts and Whitney wares. 
 
 Tranf. They (hall be forthcoming You 
 
 would not have the hay, with the flints ? 
 
 Load. Every pebble of 'em. The magif- 
 trates of the baronet's borough are infirm 
 and gouty. He (hall deal them as new pave* 
 ment. [Ex. 7>.j So that's fettled. I believe, 
 knight, 1 can lend you a helping hand as to 
 the laft article. I know fome traders that 
 will truck: fellows with finery; not commo- 
 dities of fuch cjumfy conveyance as old Trans- 
 fer's. 
 
 Sir Geo. You are obliging, 
 
 Load. I'll do it, boy ; and get you, into the 
 bargain, a bonny auctioneer, that mail difpofe 
 of 'em all in a crack. [Exit* 
 
 Enter Dick. 
 
 Dick. Your uncle, fir, has been waiting 
 fome time. 
 
 Sir Geo. He comes in a lucky hour. Shew 
 
 him in. [Ex. Dick.] Now for a lefture. My 
 
 fituation flian't fink my fpirits, however, 
 
 D 4 Here
 
 4$ THE MINOR. 
 
 Here comes the mufty trader, running over 
 "with remonftrances. I muft banter the cit. 
 
 Enter Richard Wealthy. 
 
 R. Weal. So, fir, what I fuppofe this is a 
 fpice of your foreign breeding, to let your 
 uncle kick his heels in your hall, whilft your 
 prefence chamber is crquded with pimps, 
 bawds, and gameflers. 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh, a proof of my refpeft, dear 
 nuncle. Would it have been decent now, 
 nuncle, to have introduced yqu into fuch com- 
 pany ? 
 
 R. Weal Wonderfully confiderate ! Well, 
 young man, and what do you think will be the 
 end of all this ? Here I have received, by the 
 laft mail, a quire of your draughts from abroad. 
 I fee you are determined our neighbours mould 
 tafte of your magnificence. 
 
 Sir Geo. Yes, 1 think I did fome credit to 
 my country. 
 
 R. Weal, and how are all thefe to be 
 paid? 
 
 Sir Geo. That I fubmit to you, dear nun- 
 cle. 
 
 R. Weal. From me ! Not a foufe to keep 
 
 you from the counter. 
 
 Sir Geo. Why then let the fcoundrels ftay. 
 It is their duty. I have other demands, debts 
 of honour, which muft be difcharged. 
 
 R. Weal. Here's a diabolical diftinftion ! 
 Here's a proftitution of words ! Honour ] 
 'Sdeath, that a rafcal, who has picked your 
 pocket, mail have his crime gilded with the 
 moft facred diftin&ion, and his plunder punc T 
 4 tually
 
 THE MINOR. 
 
 tually paid, whilft the induftrious mechanic, 
 who miniiters to your very wants, (hall have 
 his debts delayed, and his demand treated as 
 jnfolent. 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh ! a truce to this thread-bare 
 trumpery, dear nuncle. 
 
 R. Weal. I confefs my folly 3 but make 
 yourfelf eafy; ypu won't be troubled with 
 many mqre of my vifits. I own I was weak 
 enough to deflgn a fliort expoftulation with 
 yqu j but as we in the city know the true va- 
 lue of time, I mail take care not to fquander 
 away any more of it upon you. 
 
 Sir Geo. A prudent refolution. 
 
 R. Weal. One commillion, however, I can't 
 
 difpenfe with myfelf from executing. It 
 
 was agreed between your father and me, 
 that as he had but one fon and I one daugh- 
 ter 
 
 Sir Gep. Your gettings mould be added to 
 his eftate, and my coulin Margery and I fquat 
 down together in the comfortable ftate of ma- 
 trimony. \ 
 
 R. Weal. Puppy ! fuch was our intention. 
 Now his laft will claims this contract. 
 
 Sir Geo. Difpatch, dear nuncle. 
 
 R. Weal. Why then, in a word, fee me here 
 demand the execution. 
 
 Sir Geo. What dy'e mean ? For me to marry 
 Margery. 
 
 R. Weal. I do. 
 
 Sir Geo. What, moi-me? 
 
 JR. Weal. You, you Your anfwer, aye 
 
 or no ?
 
 44 THE MINOR. 
 
 Sir Geo. Why then, concifely and briefly, 
 without evafion, equivocation, or further cir- 
 cumlocution. No. 
 
 R. Weal. I am glad of it. 
 
 Sir Geo. So am I. 
 
 R. Weal. But pray, if it would not be too 
 great a favour, what objections can you have 
 to my daughter r Not that I want to remove 
 'em, but merely out of 'curiofity. What ob- 
 jections ? 
 
 Sir Geo None. I neither know her, have 
 feen her, enquired after her, or ever intend it. 
 
 R. Weal. What, perhaps, I am the {tum- 
 bling block ? 
 
 Sir Geo, You have hit it. 
 
 P. Weal. Aye, now we come to the point. 
 Well, and pray 
 
 Sir Geo. Why, it is not fo much a diflike to 
 your perfon, tho' that is exceptionable enough, 
 but your profeffion, dear nuncle, is an infuper- 
 able obftacle. 
 
 R. Weal. Good lack ! And what harm has 
 that done, pray ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Done ! So framed, polluted, and 
 tainted the whole mafs of your blood, thrown 
 fuch a blot on your efcutcheon, as ten regular 
 fucceffions can hardly efface. 
 . R. Weal. The deuce ! 
 
 Sir Geo. And could you now, confidently 
 with your duty as a faithful guardian, recom- 
 mend my union with a daughter of a trader ? 
 
 R. Weal. Why, indeed, I alk pardon ; I am 
 afraid I did not weigh the matter as maturely 
 as I ought. 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh, a horrid barbarous fcheme ! 
 
 R. Weal,
 
 THE MINOR. 45 
 
 J?. Weal. But then I thought, her having 
 the honour to partake of the fame flefli and 
 blood with yourfelf, might prove in fome 
 meafure, a kiud of fuller's-earth, to fcout 
 out the dirty fpots contracted by commerce. 
 
 Sir Geo. 'impoffible ! 
 
 R. Weal. Befides, here it has been the 
 practice even of peers. 
 
 Sir Geo. Don't mention the unnatural in- 
 tercourfe! Thank heav'n, Mr. Richard 
 Wealthy, my education has been in another 
 country, where I have been too well in- 
 ftrucled in the value of nobility, to think of 
 intermixing it with the offspring of a Bour- 
 geois. Why, what apology could I make to 
 my children, for giving them fuch a mo- 
 ther? 
 
 R. Weal I did not think of that. Then I 
 muft defpair, I am afraid, 
 
 Sir Geo. I can afford but little hopes. 
 
 Tho', upon recollection Is the Griffette 
 
 pretty ? 
 
 R. Weal. A parent may be partial. She 
 is thought fo. 
 
 Sir- Geo. Ahlajolie petite Bourgecife ! Poor 
 girl, I fincerely pity her. And I fuppofe, to 
 procure her emerfion from the mercantile rnud, 
 no confederation would be fpared. 
 
 R. Weal. Why, to be fare, for fuch an 
 honour, one would ftrain a point. 
 
 Sir Geo. Why then, not totally to deftroy 
 your hopes, I do recollect an edi6l in favour 
 of Brittany ; that when a man of diftinftion 
 engages in commerce, his nobility is fuffer'd to 
 deep. 
 
 R. Weal.
 
 46 THE MINOR. 
 
 R. Weal Indeed! 
 
 Sir Geo. And upon his quitting the con- 
 tagious connection, he is permitted to refume 
 his rank. 
 
 R. Weal. That's fortunate. 
 
 Sir Geo. So nuncle Richard, if you will 
 fell out of the ftocks, (hut up your counting- 
 houfe, and quit St. Mary Axe for Grofvenor- 
 fquare 
 
 R. Weal. What then ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Why, when your rank has had 
 time to roufe itfelf, for I think your nobility, 
 nuncle, has had a pretty long nap, if the girl's 
 perfon is pleafmg, and the purchafe-money is 
 adequate to the honour, I may in time be pre- 
 vailed upon to reftore her to the right of her 
 family. 
 
 R. Weal. Amazing condefcenfion ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Good-nature is my foible. But, 
 upon my foul, I would not have gone fo far for 
 any body elfe. 
 
 R. Weal. I can contain no longer. Hear 
 me, fpendthrift, prodigal, do you know, 
 that in ten days your whole revenue won't 
 purchafe you a feather to adorn your empty 
 head? 
 
 Sir Geo. Hey day, what's the matter now ? 
 
 R. Weal. And that you derive every acre 
 of your boafted patrimony from you great 
 uncle, a foap boiler ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Infamous afperfion! 
 
 R. Weal. It was his bags, the fruits of his 
 honeft induftry, that prefer ved your lazy, 
 beggarly nobility. His wealth repair'd your 
 
 tottering
 
 THE MINOR. 47 
 
 tottering hall, from the ruins of which, even 
 the rats had run. 
 
 Sir Geo. Better our name had perilh'd! 
 Infupportable ! (bap-boiling, uncle ! 
 
 R. Weal. Traduce a trader in a country 
 of commerce ' It is treafon againft the com- 
 munity; and, for your punimment, I would 
 have you reftored to the fordid condition from 
 whence we drew you, and like your prede- 
 ceflbrs, the Pits, ftript, painted, and fed upon 
 hips, haws and blackberries. 
 
 Sir Geo. A truce, dear haberdaiher. 
 
 R. Weal. One pleafure I have, that to this 
 goal you are upon the gallop; but have a 
 care, the fword hangs but by a thread. When 
 next we meet, know me for the matter of your 
 fate. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Geo. Infolent mechanic! But that his 
 Bourgeois blood would have foiled my fword 
 
 Enter Baron and Loader. 
 
 .Sir Will. What is de matter? 
 
 Sir Geo. A fellow here, upon the credit of a 
 little affinity, has dared to upbraid me with 
 being fprung from a foap-boiler. 
 
 Sir Will. Vat, you from the boiler of foap ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Me. 
 
 Sir Will. Aha, begar, dat is anoder ting 
 And harka you, mifter monfieur, ha 
 how dare a you have d'affrontary 
 
 Sir Geo. How ! 
 
 Sir Will. De impertinence to fit down, play 
 wid me ? 
 
 Sir Geo. What is this? 
 
 Sir
 
 4-8 THE MINOR. 
 
 Sir Will. A beggarly Bourgeois vis-a-vis, a 
 baron of twenty defcents: 
 
 Load. But baron-: 
 
 Sir Will. Bygar, I am almoft afhamed to win 
 of fuch a low, dirty Give me my monies, and 
 let me never fee your face. 
 
 Load. Why, buLbaron, you miftake this 
 thing. I know the oTd buck this fellow prates 
 about. 
 
 Sir Will May be. 
 
 Load. Pigeon me, as true a gentleman as 
 the grand fignor. He was, indeed, a good- 
 natured, obliging, friendly fellow-, and being 
 a great judge or foap, tar, and train-oil, he 
 ufed to have it home to his hoiife, and fell it 
 to his acquaintance for ready money, to ferve 
 them. 
 
 Sir Will Wasdatall? 
 
 Load. Upon my honour. 
 
 Sir Will. Oh, dat, dat is anoder ting. By- 
 gar I was afraid he was negotiant. 
 
 Load. Nothing like it. 
 
 Enter Dick. . 
 
 Dick. A gentleman to enquire for Mr. 
 Loader. 
 
 Load. I come A pretty fon of a bitch, 
 this baron! pimps for the man, picks his 
 pocket, and then wants to kick him out of 
 company, becaufe his uncle was an oilman. 
 
 Exit. 
 
 Sir Will. I beg pardon, chevalier, I was 
 miftake. 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh, don't mention it ; had the 
 flam been fat, your behavour was natural 
 enough. 
 
 3 Enter
 
 THE MlNoft. 49 
 
 Enter Loader. 
 
 Load. Mr. Smirk, the auftioneer. 
 Sir Geo. Shew him in, by all means. 
 
 [Exit. Loader. 
 Sir Will. You have affairs. 
 Sir Geo. If you'll walk into the next room, 
 they will be finifhed in five minutes. 
 
 Enter Loader, with Shift as Smirk. 
 
 Load. Here, mailer Smirk, this is the 
 gentleman. Hark'e, knight, did I not tell 
 you, old Moll was your mark? Here me 
 has brought a pretty piece of man's meat 
 already ; as fwect as a nofegay, and as ripe as a 
 cherry, you rogue. Difpatch him, mean time 
 we'll manage the girl. [Exit. 
 
 Smirk You are the principal. 
 Sir Geo. Even fo. I have, Mr. Smirk, fome 
 things of a considerable value, which I want to 
 difpofe of immediately. 
 Smirk. You have ? 
 Sir Geo. Could you affift me ? 
 Smirk. Doubtlefs. 
 Sir Geo. But dire&ly? 
 Smirk. We have an auction at twelve. I'll 
 add your cargo to the catalogue. 
 Sir Geo. Can that be done ? 
 Smirk. Every day's practice: it is for the 
 credit of the fale. Laft week, amongft the 
 valuable effe&s of a gentleman, going abroad, 
 I fold a choice collection of china, with % 
 curious fervice of plate j though the real 
 party was never mafter of above two Delf 
 dillies, and a dozen of pewter, in all his life. 
 
 Sir
 
 50 THE MINOR; 
 
 Sir Geo. Very artificial. But this mud be 
 concealed. 
 
 Smirki Buried here. Oh, many an ai- 
 grette and folitaire have 1 fold, to discharge 
 a lady's play-debt. But then we muft know 
 the parties ; otherwife it might be knockt 
 
 down to the hufband himfelf. Ha, ha 
 
 Hey ho ! 
 
 Sir Geo. True. Upon my word, your 
 profeffion requires parts. 
 
 Smirk. No body's more. Did you ever hear, 
 Sir George, what firft brought me into the 
 bufinefs ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Never. 
 
 Smirk. Quite an accident, as I may fay. 
 You muft have known my predeceffor, Mr. 
 Prig, the greateft man in the world, in his 
 way ; aye, or that ever was, or ever will be ; 
 quite a jewel of a man: he would touch you 
 up a lot! there was no refifting him. He 
 would force you to bid, whether you would or 
 no. I (hall never fee his equal. 
 
 Sir Geo. You are modeft, Mr. Smirk. 
 
 Smirk. No, no, but his fhadow. Far be 
 it from me, to vie with fo great a man. But, 
 as I was faying, my predeceffor, Mr. Prig, 
 was to have a fale as it might be on Satur- 
 day. On Friday at noon, I fhall never for- 
 get the day, he was fuddenly feized with a 
 violent cholic. He fent for me to his bed- 
 lide, fqueezed me by the hand; Dear Smirk, 
 faid he, what an accident ! You know what 
 is to-morrow ; the greateft fliew this fea- 
 fon ; prints, pictures, bronzes, butterflies, 
 medals, and minionettesj all the world will 
 
 be
 
 THE MINOR. 51 
 
 be thdre ; Lady Dy Jofs, Mrs. Nankyn, the 
 dutchefs of Dupe, and every body at all. 
 You fee my flate, it will be impoffible for 
 me to mount. What can I do ? It was not 
 for me, you know, to advife that great man. 
 
 Sir Geo. No, no. 
 
 S'w/7vt. At teft, looking wiflifully at me, 
 Smirkj fays he, d'you love me? Mr. Prig, 
 
 can you. doubt it? I'll put it to the tell; 
 
 fays he; fupply my place to-morrow. I, eager 
 to mew my love, ramly and rapidly replied, I 
 will. 
 
 -Sir Geo. That was bold. 
 
 Smirk. Abfolute madnefs. But I had 
 gone too far to recede. Then the point was^ 
 to prepare for the awful occafion. The firft 
 want that occurred to me^ was a wig; but 
 this was too material an article to depend on 
 my own judgement. I refolved to confult my 
 
 friends. I told them the affair You hear, 
 
 gentlemen, what has happened ; Mr. Prig, 
 one of the greateft men in his way; the world 
 ever faw, or ever will, quite a jewel of a man, 
 is taken with a violent fit of the cholic; to-mor- 
 row, the greateft (hew this feafon ; prints, pic- 
 tures, bronzes, butterflies, medals, and mi-, 
 nionettes ; every body in the world to be there 5, 
 Lady Dy Jofs, Mrs. Nankyn^ dutchefs of 
 Dupe, and all mankind ; it being impoffible 
 
 he mould mountj I have confented to fell 
 
 They flared It is true, gentlemen. Now I 
 Ihould be glad to have your opinions as to a 
 wig. They were divided : fome recommended 
 a tye, others a bag: one mentioned a bob^ 
 but was foon over-ruled. Now, for my part, 
 s I own,
 
 52 THE MINOR. 
 
 I own, I rather inclined to the bag ; but to 
 avoid the imputation of railinefs, I refolved to 
 take Mrs. Smirk's judgement, my wife, a dear 
 good woman, fine in figure, high in tafte, a 
 fuperior genius, and knows old china like a 
 Nabob. 
 
 Sir Geo. What was her decifion? 
 
 Smirk. .1 told her the cafe* My dear, you 
 know what has happened. My good friend, 
 Mr. Prig, the greateft man in the world, in 
 his way, that ever was, or ever will be, quite 
 ajewel of a man a violent fit of the cholic 
 
 the greateft (hew this feafon, to-morrow, 
 
 picluress and every thing in the world ; all 
 the world will be there : now, as it is im- 
 pofliblehe mould, I mount in his ftead. You 
 know the importance of a wig ; I have afked 
 my friends fome recommended a tye, others 
 a bag what is your opinion ? Why, to deal 
 freely, Mr. Smirk, fays fhe, a tye for your 
 round, regular, fmiling face, would be rather 
 too formal, and a bag too boviih, deficient 
 in dignity for the folemn occalion; were I 
 worthy to advife, you mould wear a fomething 
 between both. I'll be hanged if you don't 
 mean a major. I jumpt at the hint, and a ma- 
 jor it was. 
 
 Sir Geo So, that was fixt. 
 
 Smirk. Finally. But next day, when I 
 came to mount the roftrum, then was the 
 trial. My limbs (hook, and my tongue trem- 
 bled. The firft lot was a chamber utenfil, in 
 Chelfea china, of the pea-green pattern. It 
 occafioned a great laugh - 3 but I got thro' it. 
 Her grace, indeed, gave me great encourage- 
 ment. I overheard her whifper to lady Dy, 
 
 Upon
 
 tft MINOR. / 53 
 
 tJpon my word, Mr. Smirk does it very well. 
 Very well, indeed, Mr. Smirk, addreffing her- 
 felf to me. I made an acknowledging bow 
 to her grace, as in duty bound But one 
 flower flounced involuntarily from me that 
 day, as I -may fay. I remember, Dr. Trifle 
 called it enthufiaftic, and pronounced it a pre- 
 fage of my future greatnefs, 
 
 Sir Geo. What was that ? 
 
 Smirk. Why, fir, the lot was a Guido ; a 
 fingle figure, a marvellous fine performance ; 
 well preferved, and ' highly finiflied. It (tuck 
 at five and forty - } I, charmed with the pic- 
 ture, and piqued at the people, A going for 
 five and forty, no body more than five and 
 
 forty? -Pray, ladies and gentlemen, look 
 
 at this piece, quite flefh and blood, and only 
 wants a touch from the torch of Prometheus 
 to ftart from the canvas, and fall a bidding. 
 A general plaudit enfued, I bowed, and in 
 three niinutes knocked it down at fixty three, 
 ten. 
 
 Sir Geo. That was a ftroke at leaft equal to 
 your mafter. 
 
 Smirk. O dear me ! You did not 'know the 
 great man, alike in every thing. He had as 
 much to fay upon a ribbon, as a Raphael. His 
 manner was inimitably fine. I remember, 
 they took him off at the playhoufe, fome time 
 ago ; pleafant, but wrong. Public chara&ers 
 fliould not be fported with They are facred 
 But we lofe time. 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh, in the lobby, on the table, 
 you will find the particulars. 
 
 E 2 Smirk.
 
 54 THE MINOR. 
 
 Smirk. We fhallfee you. There will be a 
 ivorld of company. I {hall pleafe you. But 
 the great nicety of our art is, the eye. Mark 
 how mine {kirns round the room. Some bid- 
 ders are ihy, and only advance with a nod; 
 but I nail them. One, two, three, four, five. 
 You will be furprized Ha, ha, ha, heigh ho. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 ACT. III. 
 
 Enter Sir George and Loader. 
 Sir George. 
 
 A Moft infernal run. Let's fee, (Pulls 
 out a card.) Loader a thoufand, the Baron 
 
 two, Tally Enough to beggar a banker. 
 
 Every {hilling of Transfer's fupply exhaufted ! 
 nor will even the fale of my movcables prove 
 fumcient to difcharge my debts. Death and 
 the devil ! In what a complication of Calami- 
 ties has a few days plunged me ! And no re- 
 fource ? 
 
 Load. Knight, here's old moll come to wait 
 on you ; flie has brought the tid-bit I fpoke of. 
 Shall I bid her fend her in? 
 
 Sir Geo. Pray do. [Exit Loader. 
 
 Enter Mrs, Cole and Lucy. 
 
 Mrs* Cole. Come along, Lucy. You bafh- 
 ful baggage, I thought 1 had filenced your 
 fcruples. Don't you remember what Mr. 
 Squintum, faid? A woman's not worth faving, 
 
 that
 
 THE MINOR, 55 
 
 that wont be gu ; lty of a Twinging fin ; foi\ 
 they have matter to repent upon. Here, your 
 honour, I leave her to your management. She 
 is young, tender, and timid ; does not know 
 what is for her own good ; but your honour 
 will foon teach her. I would willingly ftav, 
 but I mud not lofe the lecture. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Geo. Upon my credit, a fine figure ! 
 
 Aukward Can't produce her publicly as 
 
 mine ; but me will do for private amufement 
 
 Will you be feated, mifs ? Dumb ! 
 
 quite a picture ! She too wants a touch of the 
 Promethean torch Will you be fo kind, 
 ma'am, to walk from your frame and take a 
 
 chair r Come, pry'thee, why fo coy ? Nay, 
 
 I am not very adroit in thecuftom of this coun- 
 try, J fuppofe I muft conduct you Come, 
 
 mifs. 
 
 Lucy. O, fir ! 
 
 SirGfo. Child! 
 
 Lucy. If you have any humanity, fpare me. 
 
 Sir Geo. In tears! What can this mean? 
 Artifice. A project to raife the price, 1 fup- 
 pofe. Look'e, my dear, you may fave this 
 piece of pathetic for another occafion. It 
 
 won't do with me; I am no novice So, 
 
 child, a truce to your tragedy, i beg. 
 
 Lucy. Indeed you wrong me, lir; indeed 
 you do. 
 
 Sir Geo. Wrong you ! how came you here, 
 and for what purpofe ? 
 
 Lucy. A ihameful one j I know it all, and 
 yet believe me, fir, I am innocent. 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh, I don't queftion that. Your 
 
 pious, patronefs is i proof of your innocence. 
 
 E 3 Lucy.
 
 56 THE MINOR. 
 
 Lucy. What can I fay to gain your credit ? 
 ' And yet, fir, ftrong as appearances are againft 
 me, by all that's hoiy, you fee me here, a poor, 
 diftreft, involuntary vi&im. 
 
 Sir Geo. Her ftyle's above the common clafs ; 
 her tears are real. Rife, child. How the poor, 
 creature trembles ! 
 
 Lucy. Say then I am fafe ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Fear nothing. 
 
 Lucy. May heaven reward you. I cannot. 
 
 Sir Geo. Pr'ythee child, colleft yourfelf, 
 and help me to unravel this myftery. You 
 came hither willingly ? There was no force ? 
 
 Lucy. None. , 
 
 Sir Geo. You know Mrs Cole. 
 
 Lucy. Too well. 
 
 Sir Geo. How came you then to truft her ? 
 
 Lucy. Mine, fir, is a tedious, melancholy tale. 
 
 Sir Geo. And artlefs too ? 
 
 Lucy. As innocence. 
 
 Sir Geo. Give it me. 
 
 Lucy. It will tire you. 
 
 Sir Geo. Not if it be true. Be juft, and 
 you will find me generous. 
 
 Lucy. On that, fir, I relied in venturing\ 
 hither. 
 
 Sir Geo. You did me juftice. Truft me with 
 all your ftory. If you deferve, depend upon 
 my protection. 
 
 Lucy. Some months ago, fir, I was confider- 
 ed as the joint heirefs of a refpe&able, wealthy 
 merchant ; dear to my friends, happy in my 
 profpefts, and my father's favourite. 
 
 Sir Geo. His name. 
 
 Lucy, 
 2
 
 THE MINOR. 57 
 
 Lucy. There you mult pardon me. Un- 
 kind and cruel tho' he has been to me, let me 
 difcharge the duty of a daughter, fuffer in fi- 
 lence, nor bring reproach on him who gave me 
 being. 
 
 Sir Geo. I applaud your piety. 
 
 Lucy. At this happy period, my father, 
 judging an addition of wealth mull bring an in- 
 creafe of happinefs, refolved to unite me with 
 a man, fordid in his mind, brutal in his man- 
 ners, and riches his only recommendation. 
 My refufal of this ill-fuited match, tho' mildly 
 given, enflamed my father's temper, naturally 
 choleric, alienated his affections, and banifhed 
 me his houfe, diftreft and deftitute. 
 
 Sir Geo. Would no friend receive you ? 
 
 Lucy. Alas, how few are friends to the un- 
 fortunate! Befides, I knew, fir, fuch a ftep 
 would he confidered by my father, as an appeal 
 from his juftice. I therefore retired to a remote 
 corner of the town, truiting, my only advocate, 
 to the tender calls of nature, in his cdol, re- 
 flecting hours. 
 
 Sir Geo, How came you to know this woman ? 
 
 Lucy. Accident placed me in a houfe, the 
 miftrefs of which profefied the fame principles 
 with my infamous condu6lrefs, There, as en- 
 thufiafm is the child of melancholy, I caught 
 the infe&ion. A conftant attendance on their 
 afTemblies, procured me the acquaintance of 
 this woman, whofe extraordinary zeal and de- 
 votion firft drew my attention and confidence, 
 I trufted her with my ftory, and in return re- 
 ceived the warmeft invitation to take the pro- 
 tection of her hpufe. This I unfortunately ac- 
 cepted. 
 
 E 4 Sir
 
 58 THE MINOR. 
 
 Sir Geo. Unfortunately indeed ! 
 
 Lucy. By the decency of appearances, I was 
 fome time impofed upon. But an accident, 
 which you will excufe my repeating, revealed 
 all the horror of my iituation. I will not trout- 
 ble you with a recital of all the arts ufed to fe- 
 duce me; happily they hitherto have failed. 
 But this morning I was acquainted with my 
 deftiny; and no other election left me, but im- 
 mediate compliance, or a jail. In this defpe-r 
 rate condition, you cannot wonder, fir, at my 
 choofmg rather to rely on the generofity of a 
 gentleman, than the humanity of a creature 
 infenfible to pity, and void of every virtue., 
 
 Sir Geo. The event mail juflify your choice. 
 You have my faith and honour fory our fecurity. 
 For tho' I can't boaftof my own goodnefs, yet 
 I have an honeft feeling for afflicted virtue ; and, 
 however unfathionable, a fpirit that dares afford 
 it protection. Give me your hand, As foon 
 ^s I have difpatched fome preffing bufinefs 
 here, I will lodge you in an afylum, facred to 
 the diflreffes of your fex ; where indigent beaur 
 ty is guarded from temptations, and deluded 
 jnnocence refcued from infamy. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Shift, 
 
 Shif!. Zooks, I have toiled like a horfe ; quite 
 tired, by Jupiter. And what mail I get for 
 my pains ? The old fellow here talks of making 
 me eafy for life. Eafy ! and what does he mean 
 by eafy ? He'll make me an excife-man, I fup- 
 pofe ; and fo with an ink-horn at my button-hole, 
 and a taper fwitch in my hand, I fhall run 
 ^bout gauging of beer-barrels. No, that will 
 
 . neve
 
 THE MINOR. 59 
 
 never do. This lad here is no fool. Foppifh 
 indeed. He does not want parts, no, nor prin- 
 ciples neither. I overheard his fcene with the 
 girl. I think I may truft him. I have a great 
 mjnd to venture it. It is a fliame to have him 
 duped by this old don. It muit not be. I'll 
 in and unfold Ha ! Egad I have a thought 
 too, which, if my heir apparent can execute, I 
 mall ftill l|e concealed, and perhaps be rer 
 ^varded on both iides. 
 
 I have it, 'tis engendered, piping hot, 
 And now, Sir knight, I'll match you with 
 a plot. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Sir William and Richard Wealthy. 
 
 R. Weal. Well, I fuppofe, by this time, you 
 are fatisfied what afcoundrel you have brought 
 into the world, and are ready to finilh your fool- 
 ery, 
 
 Sir Will, Got to the cataftrophe, good bro- 
 ther. 
 
 R. Weal. Let us have it over then. 
 
 Sir Will. I have already alarmed all his 
 tradefmen: I fuppofe we fhall foon have him 
 here, with a legion of bailiffs and conftables. 
 Oh, you have my will about you ? 
 
 R. Weal. Yes, yes. 
 
 Sir Will. It is almoft time to produce it, or 
 read him the claufe that relates to his rejecting 
 your daughter. That will do his bufmefs. 
 But they come. I muft return to my character. 
 
 Enter Shift. 
 
 Shift. Sir, lir, we are all in the wrong box; 
 pur fcheme is blown up j your fon has detected 
 
 Loader
 
 60 THE MINOR. 
 
 Loader and Tally, and is playing the very devil 
 within. 
 
 Sir Will. Oh, the bunglers! 
 
 Shift. Now for it, youngfter. 
 
 Enter, Sir George, driving in Loader and ano- 
 ther. 
 
 Sir Gco. Rafcals, robbers, that, like the lo- 
 cuft, mark the road you have taken, by the 
 ruin and defolation you leave behind you. 
 
 Load. Sir George! 
 
 Sir Geo. And can youth, however cautious, 
 be guarded againft fuch deep-laid, complicated 
 villainy ? Where are the reft of your diabolical 
 
 crew ? your auctioneer, ufurer, and O, fir, 
 
 are you here? 1 am glad you have not 
 
 efcaped us, however. 
 
 Sir Will, What de devil is de matter? 
 
 Sir Geo* Your birth, which I believe an irrt- 
 pofition, preferves you, however, from the 
 difcioline thofe rogues have received* A ba- 
 ron, a nobleman, a fharper! O fliame! It is 
 enough to banifli all confidence from the 
 world. On whofe faith can we rery, when 
 thofe, whofe honour is held as facred as an oath, 
 unmindful of their dignity, defcend to rival 
 pick-pockets in their infamous arts. What 
 are thefe [pulls out dice] pretty implements? 
 The fruits of your leifure hours! They are 
 dexteroufly done. You have a fine mechani-* 
 cal turn. Dick, fecure the door. 
 
 Mrs. Cole, fpeaking as entering* 
 
 Mrs. Cole. Here I am, at laft. Well, and 
 how is your honour, and the little gentlewo- 
 man? Blefs me! what is the matter here? 
 
 Sir
 
 THE MINOR. <H 
 
 Sir Geo. \ am, madam, treating your friends 
 with a cold collation, and you are opportunely 
 come for your mare. The little gentlewoman 
 is fafe, and in much better hands than you de- 
 figned her. Abominable hypocrite ! who, tot-, 
 tering under the load of irreverent age and in- 
 famous difeafes, inflexibly proceeds in the 
 practice of every vice, impioufly proftituting 
 the molt facred inftitutions to the moft infernal 
 purpofes. 
 
 Mrs Cole. I hope your honour 
 
 Sir Gco. Take her away. As you have been 
 fingular in your penitence, you ought to be 
 diftinguimed in your penance; which I promife 
 you, mall be moft publickly and plentifully 
 beftowed. [Exit Cole. 
 
 Enter Dick. 
 
 Dick. The conftables, fir. 
 
 Sir Geo. Let them come in, that I may 
 confign thefe gentlemen to their care. [70 Sir 
 Will^\ Your letters of nobility you will pro- 
 duce in a court of juftice. Tho', if I read 
 you right, you are one of thofe indigent, iti- 
 nerant nobles of your own creation, which our 
 reputation for hofpitality draws hither in ihoals, 
 to the ihame of our underftanding, the im- 
 paringof our fortunes, and when you are truft- 
 ed, the betraying of our defigns. Officers, do 
 your duty. 
 
 Sir Will. Why, don't you know me ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Juft as I guefled. An- impoftor. 
 He has recovered the free ufe of his tongue 
 already. 
 
 Sir Will. Nay, but George. 
 
 Sir
 
 62 THE MINOR. 
 
 Sir Geo. Infolent familiarity! away with 
 him. 
 
 Sir Will. Hold, hold, a moment. Brother 
 Richard, fet this matter to rights. 
 
 R. Weal. Don't you know him? 
 
 Sir Geo. Know him ! The very queftion is 
 an affront. 
 
 R. WeaL Nay, I don't wonder at it. 'Tis 
 your father, you fool. 
 
 Sir Geo. My father ! Impoflible ! 
 
 Sir Will. That may be, but 'tis true, 
 
 Sir Geo. My father alive ! Thus let me greet 
 the bleffing. 
 
 Sir Will. Alive ! Aye, and I believe I {han't 
 be in a hurry to die again. 
 
 Sir Geo, But, dear fir, the report of your 
 death and this difguife to what 
 
 Sir Will. Don't aik any queftions. Your 
 uncle will tell you all. For my part, I am fick 
 of the fcheme. 
 
 R. Weal. I told you what would come of 
 your politicks. 
 
 Sir Will. You did fo, But if it had not 
 been for thofe clumfy fcoundrels, the plot was 
 
 as good a plot- O George, fuch difcoveries 
 
 I have to make. Within I'll unravel the whole. 
 
 Sir Geo. Perhaps, fir, I may match 'em. 
 
 Shift. Sir. [Pulls him by the Jleeve. 
 
 Sir Geo. Never fear, It is impoffible, gen- 
 tlemen, to determine your fate, till this matter 
 is more fully explained ; till when, keep 'em 
 in fafe cuftody. Do you know them, fir? 
 
 Sir Will. Yes, but that's more than they did 
 me. I can cancel your debts there, and, I be- 
 lieve, prevail on thpfe gentlemen to refund too 
 
 But
 
 THE MINOR. 63 
 
 But you have been a fad profligate young 
 
 dog, George, 
 
 Sir Geo. I can't boaft of my goodnefs, fir ; 
 but I think I could produce you a proof, that 
 I am not fo totally deftitute of 
 
 Sir Will. Aye ! Why then pr'ythee do. 
 
 Sir Geo. I have, fir, this day, refitted a temp- 
 tation, that greater pretenders' to morality 
 might have yielded to. But I will trufl myfelf 
 no longer, and muft crave your interpoiition 
 and prote6tion. 
 
 Sir Will. To what? 
 
 Sir Geo. I will attend you with the explana- 
 tion in an inftant. 
 
 Sir Will. Pr'ythee, Shift, what does he mean? 
 
 Shift. I believe I can guefs. 
 
 Sir Will. Let us have it. 
 
 Shift. I fuppofe the affair I overheard juft 
 now, a prodigious fine elegant girl, faith, that 
 difcarded by her family, for refufing to marry 
 her grandfather, fell into the hands of the ve- 
 nerable lady you faw, who being the kind cate- 
 rer for your fon's amufements, brought her hi- 
 ther for a purpofe obvious enough. But the 
 young gentleman, touched with her (lory, tru,th 
 and tears, was converted from the fpoiler of 
 her honour to the protector of her innocence. 
 
 Sir Will. Look'e there, brother, did not I tell 
 you that George was not fo bad at the bottom ! 
 
 R. Weal. This does indeed atone for half the 
 But they are here. 
 
 Enter Sir George and Lucy. 
 
 Sir Geo. Fear nothing, madam, you may 
 jfefely rely on the 
 
 Lucy-
 
 64/ THE MINOft. 
 
 Lucy. My father! 
 
 K. Weal. Lucy! 
 
 Lucy. O $ fir, can you forgive your poof 
 diftreft unhappy girl? You fcarce can guefs 
 how hardly I've been ufed, fince my banifh- 
 ment from your paternal roof. .Want, pining 
 want, anguifh and fliame, have been my con- 
 ftant partners. 
 
 Sir Will. Brother! 
 
 Sir Geo. Sir! 
 .Lucy. Father! 
 
 R. Weal Rife, child, 'tis I muft afk thee 
 forgivenefs. Canft thou forget the woes I've 
 made thee fuffer? Come to my arms once more 
 thou darling of my age. What mifchief had 
 my rafhnefs nearly compleated. Nephew, I 
 fcarce can thank you, as I ought, but 
 
 Sir Geo. I am richly paid, in being the happy 
 inftrument Yet, might I urge a wifh 
 
 P. Weal. Name it. 
 
 Sir Geo. That you would forgive my follies 
 of to-day; and, as 1 have been providentially 
 the occafional guardian of your daughter's ho- 
 nour, that you would beftow on me that right 
 for life. 
 
 7?. Weal. That muft depend on ,Lucyj her 
 will, not mine, (hall now direct her choice 
 What fays your father? 
 
 Sir Will. Me, oh, I'll (hew you in an inftant, 
 Oive me your hands. There children, now 
 you are joined, and the devil take him that 
 \vimes to part you. 
 
 Sir Geo. I thank you for us both. 
 
 Ji. Weal. Happinefs attend you. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE MINOR. 65 
 
 Sir Will. Now, brother, I hope you will 
 allow me to be a good plotter. All this was 
 brought to bear by my means. 
 
 Shift. With my affiftance, I hope youll 
 own, fir. 
 
 Sir Will. That's true, honeft Shift, and 
 thou malt be richly rewarded; nay, George 
 fhall be your friend too. This Shift is an in- 
 genious fellow, let me tell you, fon. 
 
 Sir Geo. I am noftranger to his abilities, fir. 
 But, if you pleafe, we will retire. The various 
 ftruggles of this fair fufferer require the footh- 
 ing foftnefs of a filler's love. And now, fir, I 
 hope your fears for me are over ; for had I not 
 this motive to reftrain my follies, yet I now 
 know the town too well to be ever its bubble, 
 and will take care to preferve, at leait, 
 
 Some more eftate, and principles, and wit, 
 Than brokers, bawds, and gamefters mall think 
 fit. 
 
 SHIFT, addreffing himfelf to SIR GEORGE. 
 
 And what becomes of your poor fervant Shift? 
 
 Your father talks of lending me a lift 
 
 A great man's promife, when his turn is ferved ! 
 Capons on promifes would foon be ftarved: 
 No, on myfelf alone, I'll now rely: 
 'Gad I've a thriving traffic in my eye 
 . Near the mad manfions of Moorfields I'll bawl ; 
 Friends, fathers, mothers, fitters, fons, and all, 
 Shut up your mops, and liften to my call. 
 With labour, toil, all fecond means difpenfe, 
 And live a rent-charge upon Providence. 
 Prick up your eats; a (lory now I'll tell, 
 Which once a widow, and her child befel, 
 I knew the mother, and her daughter well; 
 Poor, it is true, they were; but never, want 
 For whatfoe'er they alk'd, was always granted* 
 
 Out 
 
 idence. 
 I'll tell, 1 
 ild befel, V 
 hter well; J 
 :ver .wanted,
 
 66 TH MINOR. 
 
 One fatal day, the matron's truth was tried, 
 
 She wanted meat and drink, and fairly cried. 
 
 [CbiU.'} Mother, you cry! [Moth.^Oh, child, I've got n'tf 
 
 Bread. 
 
 [ChiU.~\ What matter that? Why Providence an't dead! 
 "With reafon good, this truth the child might fay, 
 For there came in at noon, that very day, 
 Bread, greens, potatoes, and a leg of mutton, 
 A better furea table ne'er was put on: 
 Aye, that might be, ye cry, with thofe poor fouls ; 
 But we ne'er had a raflier for the coals. 
 And d'ye deferve it? How d'ye fpend your days? 
 In paftimes, prodigality, and plays ! 
 Let's go fee Foote? ah, Foote's a precious limb! 
 Old-nick will foon a foot-ball make of him ! 
 For foremoftrows in fide-boxes youihove, 
 Think you to meet with fide-boxes above? 
 Where gigling girls, and powder'd fops may fit?1 
 No, you will all be cramm'd into the pit, > 
 
 And croud the houfe for Satan's benefit. 
 Oh, what you fnivel ! well, do fo no more, "J 
 Drop, to atone, your money at the door, > 
 
 And, if I pleafe I'll give it to the poor. j 
 
 FINIS.
 
 THE 
 
 L Y A R. 
 
 C O M E D Y 
 
 IN THREE ACTS. 
 
 As it is Performed at the 
 
 THEATRE in the HAY-MARKET. 
 
 Bv SAMUEL FOOTED 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 ?rnted for W. LOWNDES, J. RIVINGTON and SON?, 
 And S, BLADON, in PATER-NOSTER-ROW, 
 
 M DCCLXXXVI. 
 [Price One Shilling and Six-pence.]
 
 PROL O G UE. 
 
 J/T/HAT -various revolutions in our art, 
 
 Since Tbefpis fir fl fung ballads in a cart / 
 
 2" nature framed the witty -war to wage, 
 dlay the deed foundations of the Jf age, 
 From his own foil that bard his pictures drew ! 
 The gaping crowd the mimic features knew t 
 And the broad jejl with fire eleftricjlew. 
 Succeeding times, more polijh'd and refin'd. 
 To rigid rules the comic mufe confined 
 Robb'dof the natural freedom ofherfong, 
 In artful meafures now Jhe floats along ; 
 No fprightly follies roufe the JlumV ring pit ; 
 Thglia^ grown mere architect in wit, 
 To doors and ladders has confined her cares 9 
 Convenient clofets^ and afnug back Jlairi, 
 'Twixt her and Satire has dijfilv'dthe league, 
 And jilted humour to enjoy intrigue. 
 To gain the fuff rage of tbispolijb'd age, 
 We bring to 'night a fir anger on the ft age * 
 His fire De Vega j we confefs this truth, 
 Left you mi/lake him for a Britijh youth. 
 Severe the cenfure on my feeble pen. 
 Neglecting manners, that Jhe copies men : 
 Thus, if I hum or ha, or name report, 
 'Tis Serjeant Splitcaufe from the Inns of Court*, 
 If, at the age that ladies cetfe to dance 9 
 To romp at Ranelagh, or read remance t 
 I draw a dowager inclined to man, 
 Or paint her rage for china or japan. 
 The true original is quickly known, 
 And lady Squab proclaim d throughout the town* 
 But in the following group let no man dare 
 To claim a limb, nay, not a Jingle hair : 
 What gallant Briton can befucb afot 
 Ti own the child a Spaniard has, Irtgtt*
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 Sir JAMES ELLIOT, Mr. R. Palmer, 
 
 OLD WILDING, the Father, Mr. Fearo-n. 
 YOUNG WILDING, Mr. Palmer. 
 
 PAPILLION, Mr. Eaddeley. 
 
 Mifs GRANTAM, Mrs. Hitchcock. 
 
 Mifs GODFREY, Mifs Platt. 
 
 KITTY, the Maid, Mrs. PouJ/in. 
 
 The
 
 THE 
 
 R.- 
 
 ACT I. 
 SCENE a Lodging, 
 
 YOUNG WILDING and PAPILLION difcovered. 
 
 Toting Handing. 
 
 I am now, Papillion,- perfectly 
 equipped ? 
 
 PapMion. Perfonne mieux. Nobody 
 better. 
 
 T. Wild.^ My figure ? 
 Fait a peindre* 
 7A/. My air ? 
 . Libre. 
 
 . Myaddrefs? 
 Pap. Parifiene. 
 
 T y Wild. My hat fits eafily under my arm * 
 not Jike the draggled tail of my tattcr'd acade- 
 mical habit. 
 
 Pap. Ah, bein autre chofe. 
 T. Wild. Why then adieu, Alma Mater, and 
 bien venue, la ville de Londre; farewell to rhe 
 fchools, and welcome the theatres -, prefidents, 
 proctors, fhort commons with long graces, muft 
 now give place to plays, bagnios, long tavern- 
 bills with no graces at all. 
 
 ?*/<
 
 15 THE L Y A R. 
 
 Pap. Ah, bravo, bravo ! 
 
 T. Wild. Well, but my dear Papillion, yoii 
 muft give me the chart du paye : This town is a 
 new world to me , my provident papa, you 
 know would never fuffer me near the fmoak of 
 London ; and what can be his motive for per- 
 mitting me now, I can't readily conceive. 
 
 Pap. Ni moi. 
 
 T. Wild, I fliall, however, take the liberty to 
 conceal my arrival from him for a few days. 
 
 Pap. Vous avez raifon. 
 
 T. Wild. Well, my Mentor, and how am I r.6 
 manage ? direct my road : where muft I begin ? 
 But the debate is, I fuppofe, of confequence ? 
 
 Pap. Vraiment. 
 
 T. Wild. How long have you left Paris, Pa* 
 pillion ? 
 
 Pap. Twelve, dirteen year. 
 
 T. Wild. I can't compliment you upon your 
 progrefs in Englifh. 
 
 Pap. The accent is difficult. 
 
 T. Wild. But here you are at home. 
 
 Pap. C'eft vrai. 
 
 T. Wild. No ftranger to fafhionable places-. 
 
 Pap. O faite ! 
 
 T. Wild. Acquainted with the fafhionable 
 figure of both fexes. 
 
 Pap. Sans doute. 
 
 T. Wild. Well then, upon your lecture : And, 
 d'ye hear, Papillion, as you have the honour to 
 be promoted from the mortifying condition of 
 an humble valet, to the important charge of a 
 private tutor, let us difcard all diftance between 
 us ; See me ready to flack my thirft at your 
 fountain of knowledge, my Magnus Apollo. 
 
 Pap. Here then I difclofe my Helicon to my 
 boetical pupil. . 
 
 ST. Wild.
 
 THE LYAR. 7 
 
 r. Wild. Hey, Papillion ! 
 
 Pap. Sir ? 
 
 r. Wild. What is this ? why you fpeakEngliih! 
 
 Pap. Without doubt. 
 
 T. Wild. But like a native j 
 
 Pap. To be fure. 
 
 Y. Wild. And what am I to conclude from 
 all this ? 
 
 Pap. Logically thus, Sir: Whoever fpeaks 
 pure Englifh is an Englifhman j I fpeak pure 
 Englifti ; ergo, I am an Englifhman. There's 
 a categorical fyllogifm for you, Major, Minor, 
 and Confequence. What do you think, Sir, 
 that whilft you was bufy at Oxford, I was idle ? 
 no, no, no. 
 
 T. Wild. Well, Sir, but notwithstanding your 
 pleafantry, I muft have this matter explain'd. 
 
 Pap. So you fhall, my good Sir j but don't 
 be in fuch a hurry :You can't fuppofe I would 
 give you the key, unlefs I meant you fhoiild 
 open the door. 
 
 T. Wild. Why then, prithee unlock. 
 
 Pap. Immediately. But by way of entering 
 upon my poft as preceptor, fuffer me firft to 
 give you a hint : You muft not expect, Sir, to 
 find here, as at Oxford, men appearing in their 
 real characters ; every body there, Sir, knows 
 that Dr. Mufly is a fellow of Maudlin, and Tom 
 Trifle a (ludentof Chriftchurch ; but this town 
 is one great comedy, in which not only the prin- 
 ciples, but frequently the perfons are feigned. 
 
 T. Wild. A ufeful obfervation, 
 Pap. Why now, Sir, at the firft coffee -houfc 
 I fhall enter you, you will perhaps meet a man, 
 from whofe decent fable drefs, placid counte- 
 nance, irjfmuating behaviour, fhort fword, with, 
 the waiter's civil addition of " a dilh of coffee 
 
 for
 
 I THE L Y A R: 
 
 for Dr. Julap," you would fuppofc him to be 
 aphyfician. 
 
 Y. Wild. Well ? 
 
 Pap. Does not know diafcordium from dia- 
 culum. An abfoluce French fpy, concealed 
 under the (belter of a huge medicinal perriwig. 
 
 ?. Wild. Indeed ! 
 
 Pap. A martial figure too, it is odds but you 
 will encounter ; fromwhofe fears, title, drefs, 
 and addrefs, you would fuppofe to have had a 
 lhare in every action fmce the peace of the Py- 
 renees ; runner to a gaming-table, and bully to 
 a bawdy-houfe. Battles to be fure he has been 
 jn -with the watch \ and frequently a prifoner 
 too in the round-houfe, 
 
 T. Wild. Amazing! 
 
 Pap. In fhort, Sir, you will meet with law- 
 yers who praftife fmuggling, and merchants 
 who trade upon Hounflow-heath ; reverend 
 atheifts, right honourable fharpers, and French- 
 men from the county of York. 
 
 T. Wild. In the laft lift, I prefume, you roll, 
 
 Pap. Juft my fituation. 
 
 T. Wild. And pray, Sir, what may be your 
 motive for this whimfical transformation ? 
 
 Pap. A very harmlefs one, I promife you : 
 I would only avail myfelf' at the expence o 
 folly and prejudice. 
 
 T. Wild. As how ? 
 
 Pap. Why, Sir But, to be better under- 
 
 Hood, I believe it will be necefTary to give you 
 a fhort fketch of the principal incidents of my life. 
 
 T. Wild. Prithee do. 
 
 Pap. Why then you are to know, Sir, that 
 imy former fituation has been rather above my 
 prefent condition,having once fuftained the dig- 
 
 nity of fub -preceptor to one of thofe cheap 
 
 acad 
 
 rural 
 
 emies
 
 T H E x L Y A R. 9 
 
 academies with which our county of York is 
 fo plentifully flocked. 
 
 T. Wild. But to the point : Why this dif- 
 guife ? Why renounce your country ? 
 
 Pap. There, Sir, you make a little miftake; 
 it was my country that renounced me. 
 
 T. Wild. Explain. 
 
 Pap. In an inftant-,. upon quitting the fchool, 
 and firft coming to town, I got recommended 
 to the compiler of the Monthly Review. 
 
 T. Wild. What an author too ? 
 
 Pap. Oh, a voluminous one : the whole re- 
 gion of the belles lettres fell under my infpec- 
 tion; phyfic, divinity, and the mathematics, 
 mymiftrefs managed herfelf. There, Sir, like 
 another Ariftarch, I dealt out fame and dam-_ 
 nation at pleafure. In obedience to the caprice 
 and commands of my matter, I have condemn'd 
 books I never read, and applauded the fidelity 
 of a translation, without underflanding one fyl- 
 lable of the original. 
 
 T. Wild. Ah ! why I thought acutenefs of 
 difcernment, and depth of knowledge, were 
 neceflary to accomplifh a critic. 
 
 Pap. Yes, Sir j but not a monthly one. Our 
 method was very concife : We copy the title- 
 page of a new book j we never go any further : 
 If we are ordered to praife it, we have at hand 
 about ten words, which, fcatter'd through as 
 many periods, effectually does the bufinefs j as, 
 <c laudable defign, happy arrangement, fpirited 
 language, nervous fentiment, elevation of 
 thought, conclufive argument ;" if we are to 
 decry, then we have, " unconnected, flat, falfe, 
 illiberal fbicture, reprehenfible, unnatural :" 
 And thus, Sir, we pepper the author, and foon 
 rid oiir hands ofihis work. 
 
 B T } Wild.
 
 10 THE L Y A R. 
 
 T. Wild. A fhort recipe. 
 
 Pap. And yet, Sir, you have all the materials 
 that are neceflary : Thefe are the arms with 
 which we engage authors of every kind. To us 
 all fubjecls are equal j plays or fermons, poe- 
 try or politics, mufic or midwifry, it is the 
 fame thing. 
 
 T. Wild. How came you to refign this eafy 
 employment? 
 
 Pap. It would not anfwer. Notwithstanding 
 what we fay, people will judge for themfelves ; 
 our work hung upon hand, and all I could get 
 from the publifher was four (hillings a-week, 
 and my fmall beer. Poor pittance ! 
 
 T.Wild. Poor indeed.- 
 
 Pap. Oh, halfftarv'dme! 
 
 T. Wild. What was your next change? 
 
 Pap. I was mightily puzzled to choofe. Some 
 would have had me turn player, and others me- 
 thodift preacher ; but as I had no money to build 
 me a tabernacle, I did not think it could anfwer; 
 and as to player whatever might happen to 
 me,I wasdetermined not tobringadifgrace upon 
 my family, and fo I refolved to turn footman. 
 
 T. Wild. Wifely refolv'd. 
 
 Pap. Yes, Sir, but not fo eafily executed. 
 
 T. Wild. No ! 
 
 Pap. Oh no, Sir. Many a weary ftep have I 
 taken after a place : Here I was too old, there 
 J was too young , here the laft livery was too 
 big, there it was too little-, here I was awkard, 
 there I was knowing-, madam diflik'd me at this 
 houfe, her ladyfhip's woman at the next ; fo that 
 I was as much puzzled to find out a place, as 
 the great Cynic philofopher to difcover a man. 
 In fhort, I was quite in a ftate of defpair, when 
 chance threw ah old friend in my way that quite 
 retrieved mv affairs. T. Wild.
 
 THE L Y A R. n 
 
 T. Wild. Pray who might he be ? 
 
 Pap. A little bit of a Swiis genius, who had 
 been French ufher with me at the fame fchool 
 in the country. I opened my melancholy (lory 
 to him over three-pennyworth of beef-a-la-mode, 
 in a cellar -in St. Ann's. My little foreign 
 friend purs'd up his lanthorn jaws, and with a 
 fhrug of contempt, tc Ah, maitre Jean, vous 
 n'avez pas la politique ; you have no fineflc : To 
 trive here you muft ftudy the folly of your own 
 country." " How, Monfieurl" " Taifez vous. 
 Keep a your tongue ! autre foy ! I teach you 
 fpeak French, now I teach a you to forget Eng- 
 lifh. Go vid me to my lodgement, I vil give you 
 proper drefs, den go prefent yourfelf to de fame 
 hotels, de very fame houfe ; you will find all de 
 doors dat was (hut in your face as footman An- 
 glois, will fly open demfelves to a Erench valet 
 de chambre." 
 
 T. Wild. Well, Papillion ? 
 
 Pap. Gad, Sir, I thought it was but an ho- 
 nefl artifice, fo I determin'd to follow my friend's 
 advice. 
 
 T. Wild. Did itfucceed? 
 
 Pap. Better than expectation : My tawny face, 
 long queu, and broken Englifh, was a pas par 
 towt. Befides, when I am out ofplace^ this dif- 
 guife procures me many refources. 
 ' T. Wild. As how ? 
 
 P. Why, at a pinch, Sir, I am either a teacher 
 of tongues, a frifeur, a dentift, or a dancing- 
 mafter ; thefe, Sir, are hereditary profeflions to 
 Frenchmen. But now, Sir, to the point ; As you 
 were pleafed to be fo candid with me, I was de* 
 termin'd to have no referve with you. You have 
 ftudied books, I have ftudied men j you want 
 advice, and I have fome at your fcrvice. 
 
 B 2 T. Wild,
 
 12 
 
 THE L Y A R. 
 
 Y. Wild. Well, I'll be your cuflomer. 
 
 Pap. But guard my fecret : if I fhould be fo 
 unfortunate to lofe your place, don't fhut me out 
 from every other. 
 
 T. Wild. You may rely upon me. 
 
 Pap. In a few years I {hall be in a condition to 
 retire from bufmefs ; but whether 1 (hall fettle at 
 my family-feat, or pafs over the continent, is as 
 yet undetermined. Perhaps, in gratitude to the 
 country, I may purchafe a marquifate near Paris, 
 and fpend the money I have got by their means, 
 generouQy amongft them. 
 
 Y. Wild. A grateful intention. But let us fally. 
 Where do we open ? 
 
 Pap. Let us fee one o'clock it is a fine day ; 
 the Mall will be crouded. 
 
 Y. Wild. Alons 
 
 Pap. But don't flare, Sir : furvey every thing 
 \vith an air of habit and indifference. 
 
 Y. Wild. Never fear. 
 
 Pap. But I would, Sir, crave a moment's 
 audience, upon a fubjed that may prove very 
 material to you. 
 
 r. mid. proceed. 
 
 Pap. You will pardon my prefumption ; but 
 you have, my good mailer, one little foible that 
 I coulfl wifli you to correct. 
 
 T. Wild What is it? 
 
 Pap. And yet it is a pity too, you do it fo very 
 well. 
 
 Y. Wild. Prithee be plain. 
 
 Pap. You have, Sir, a lively imagination, 
 with a. molt happy turn for invention. 
 
 Y.-Witt. Well. 
 
 Pap. But now and then in your narratives you 
 are hurry 'd, by a flow offpirits, to border upon 
 the improbable, a little given to the marvellous. 
 
 Y. Wild.
 
 T H E L Y A R. 13 
 
 T. Wild. I underftand you : what, I am fome- 
 \vhat fubjedt to lying. 
 
 Pap. Oh, pardon me, Sirj I don't fay that ; 
 no, no, only a little apt to embellifli, that's all. 
 To be fure it is a fine gift , that there is no dif- 
 puting : but men in general are fo ftupid, fo ri- 
 
 goroufly attach'd to matter of faft And yet 
 
 this talent of yours is the very foul and fpirit of 
 poetry ; and why it fhiould net be the fame in 
 prole, I can't for my life determine. 
 
 T. Wild. You would' advife me, then, not to 
 be quite fo poetical in profe ? 
 
 Pap. Why, Sir, if you would defcend a "little 
 to the grovelling comprehenfion of the million, 
 I think it would b& as well. 
 
 T. Wild. I'll think of it. 
 
 Pap. Befides, Sir, people in this town are more 
 fmoaky and fufpicious. Oxford, you know, is 
 the feat of the mufes, and a man is naturally per- 
 mitted more ornament and garniture to his con- 
 verfation than they will allow in this latitude. 
 
 T. Wild. I believe you are right. But we (hall 
 be late. D'ye hear me, Papillion : if at any time 
 you find me growing too poetical give me a hint; 
 your advice Ihan't be thrown away. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Pap. I wifli it mayn't ; but the difeafe is too 
 rooted to be quickly removed. Lord, how I 
 have fweat for him ! yet he is as unembarrafled, 
 eafy, and fluent, all the time as if he really be- 
 lieved what he faid. Well, to be fure he is a great 
 mafter; it is a thoufand pities his genius could 
 not be converted to fome public fervice : I think 
 the government fhould employ him to anfwer the 
 Bruflels Gazette. I'll be hanged if he is not too 
 many for Monfieur Maubert, at his own weapons. 
 
 [Exit. 
 SCENE
 
 i 4 THE L Y A R. 
 
 SCENE the Park. 
 
 Enter Mifs GRANTAM and Mifs GODFREY, 
 and Servant. 
 
 Mifs Grantam. John, let the chariot go round 
 to Spring-Gardens, for your miftrefs and I fball 
 call at Lady Bab's, Mifs Arabella AllnightV, the 
 Countefs of Grumple's, and the tall man's r this 
 morning. My dear Mifs Godfrey, what trouble 
 I have had to get you out ! why, child, you are 
 as tedious as a long morning. Do you know now, 
 that of all places of public rendezvous I honour 
 the Park ? forty thoufand million of times prefer- 
 able to the play houfe ! Don't you think fo my 
 dear ? 
 
 Mifs Godfrey. They are both well in their way,, 
 
 M. Gr. Way ! why the purpofe of both is the 
 fame j to meet company, is'n't it ? what, d'ye 
 think I go there for the plays, or come here for 
 the trees ? ha ! ha ! well that is well enough. 
 But, O Gemini ! I beg a million of pardons : 
 Your are a prude, and have no reliih for the little 
 innocent liberties with which a fine woman may 
 indulge herfelf in public. 
 
 M. God. Liberties in public ! 
 
 M. Gr. Yes, child, fuch as enchoring a fong 
 at an opera, interrupting a play in a critical fcene 
 of diftrefs, hallooing to a pretty fellow crofs the 
 Mall, as loud as ir you were calling a coach. 
 Why, do you know now, my dear that by a lucky 
 ftroke in drefs, and a few high airs of my own 
 making, I have had the good fortune to be gazed 
 at and followed by as great a croud, on a Sunday, 
 as if I was the Tripoly ambafiador ? 
 
 U. God.
 
 THE L Y A R. 15 
 
 M. God. The good fortune Ma'am ! Surely, 
 the wifh of every decent women is to be unno- 
 tic'd in public. 
 
 M. Gr. Decent ! oh, my dear queer creature, 
 what a phrafe have you found out for a woman 
 offafhion! Decency is, child, a mere burgeois, 
 plebeian quality, and fit only for thofe who pay 
 court to the world, and not to us to whom the 
 world pays court. Upon my word, you muft 
 enlarge your ideas : you are a fine girl and we 
 muft not have you loft j I'll undertake you my- 
 
 felf. But, as I was faying Pray, my dear, 
 
 what was I faying ? 
 
 M. God I profefs I don't recoiled. 
 
 M. Gr. Hey ! Oh, ah, the Park. One great 
 reafon for my loving the Park is, that one hasfo 
 many opportunities of creating connections. 
 
 M. God. Ma'am 
 
 M. Gr. Nay, don't look grave. Why, do you 
 know that all my male friendihips are form'd in 
 this place ? 
 
 M. God. It is an odd fpot : But you muft par- 
 don me if Idoubt the poffibility. 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, I will convince you in a moment v 
 for here feems to be coming a good imart figure 
 that I do'nt recollect. 1 will throw out a lure. 
 - M. God. Nay, for Heaven's fake ! 
 
 M. Gr. I am detirmin'd, child : that is 
 
 M. God. You will excufe my withdrawing. 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, pleale yourfelf, my dear. 
 
 [Exit Mifs Godfrey. 
 
 Enter YOUNG WILDING tviib PAPILLION. 
 T. lVild.\QW ladylhiy's handkerchief, Ma'am. 
 M. Gr. I am, Sir, concern'd at the trouble 
 T. Wild. A moft happy incident for me, Ma- 
 dam j as chance has giveh me an honour in one 
 
 lucky
 
 i6 THE L Y A R. 
 
 lucky minute, that the moft diligent attention 
 has not been able to procure for me in the whole 
 tedious round of a revolving year. 
 
 M. Gr. Is this meant to me, Sir ? 
 
 T. Wild. To whom elfe, Madam ? Surely you 
 mutt have mark'd my refpectful affiduity, my un- 
 interrupted attendance ; to plays, operas, balls^ 
 routs, and ridottas, I have purfued you like 
 your fhadow ; I have befieged your door fora 
 gtimpfe of your exit and entrance, like a diftrefled 
 creditor, who has no arms againft privilege but 
 perfeverance. 
 
 Pap. So, now he is in for it ; itop him who 
 can. 
 
 T. Wild. In fhorf, Madam, ever fince I quitted 
 America, which \ take now to be about a year,. I 
 have as faithfully guarded the live-long night, 
 your ladyfhip's portal, as a centinal the powder 
 magazine in a fortified cky. 
 
 Pap. Quitted America! well ptill'd. 
 
 M. Gr. You have ferv'd in America then ? 
 
 T. Wild Full four years Ma'am : and during 
 that whole time, not afinglea<5lion ofconlequence, 
 but I had an opportunity to fignalize myfelf ; and 
 I think I may, without vanity, affirm, 1 did not 
 mifs the occafion. You have heard of Quebec, I 
 prefume ? 
 
 Pap. What the deuce is he driving at now ? 
 
 T. Wild. The project to furprize that place was 
 thought a happy expedient, asd the firft moun- 
 ting the breach a gallant exploit. There, indeed, 
 the whole army did me jurtice. 
 
 M. Gr. I have heard the honour of that con- 
 queft attributed to another name. 
 
 T. Wild. The mere taking the town x Ma'am. 
 But that's a trifle : fieges now a-days are re- 
 duc'd to certainties; it is amazing how mi- 
 
 Biuely
 
 T H E L Y A R. 17 
 
 mitely exaft we, who knew the bulinefs are at 
 calculation : for inftance now, we will fuppofe 
 the commander in chief, addrefiing himfelf to 
 me, was to fay, " Colonel, I want to reduce 
 that fortrefs -, what will be the expence ?" <c Why, 
 pleafe your highncfs, the reduction of that fortrefs 
 will coft you one thoufand and two lives, fixty- 
 nine legs, ditto arms, fourfccre fractures, with 
 about twenty dozen of flefh wounds." 
 
 M. Gr. And you lhall be near the mark ? 
 
 T. Wild. To an odd joint, Ma'am. But, 
 Madam, it is not to the French a-lone that my 
 feats are confin'd: Cherokees, Catabaws, with 
 ail the Aws and Ees of the continent, have felt 
 the force of my arms. 
 
 Pap. This is too much, Sir. 
 
 T. mid. Hands off! Nor am I lefs adroit -at 
 a treaty, Madam, than terrible in battle. To 
 m-e we owe the friendlhip of the Five Nations, 
 and I had the firft honour of fmoaking the pipe 
 of peace with the little Carpenter. 
 
 M. Gr. And fo young! 
 
 T. Wild. This gentleman, though a French- 
 man and an enemy> I had the fortune to deliver 
 from the Mohawks, whofe prifoner he had been 
 for nine years. He gives a mod entertaining 
 account of their laws and cuftoms : he (ball pre~ 
 fent you with the wampum belt, and a fcalping- 
 knife. Will you permit him, Madam, juft to 
 give you a tafte of the military dance, with a fliort 
 fpecimen of their warhocp. 
 
 Pap. For Heaven's fake ! 
 
 M. Gr. The place is too public. 
 
 T. Wild. In fhort, Madam, after having ga- 
 thered as many laurels abroad as would garnifh a 
 Gothic cathedral at Chriftmas, I returned to reap 
 tfae harveft of the well-fought field, Here it was 
 C my
 
 iS THE L Y A R. 
 
 my good fortune to encounter you : then was the 
 victor vanquifhed ; what the enemy could never 
 accomplifh, your eyes in an inftant atchiev'd ; 
 prouder to fcrve here than command in chief elfe- 
 \vhere j and more glorious in wearing your chains, 
 than in triumphing over the vanquifh'd world. 
 
 M . Gr. I have got here a moft heroical lover : 
 But I fee Sir James Elliot coming, and muft 
 difmifs him [sljide] Well, Sir, I accept the tender 
 of yourpafiion, and may find a time to renew our 
 acquaintance; at prefent it isnecefiary we fhould 
 feparate. 
 
 T. Wild. " Slave to your will, I live but to 
 obey you." But may I be indulged with the 
 knowledge of your refidence. 
 M. Gr. Sir? 
 
 T. Wild. Your place of above. 
 M. Gr Oh, Sir, you can't want to be acquaint- 
 ed with that j you have a whole year flood cen- 
 tinel at my ladyfhip's portal. 
 r. Wild. Madam, 1 II 
 M> Gr. Oh, Sir, your fervant. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 What, you are caught ! Ha, ha, ha ! Well, he 
 has a more intrepid aflurance. Adieu, my Mars. 
 Ha, ha, ha ! [Exit. 
 
 Pap. That laft was an unlucky queftion, Sir. 
 T. Wild. A little mal-a-propos I muft confefs. 
 Pap. A man {hould have a good memory who 
 pleals much in this poetical profe. 
 
 T. Wild. Poh ! I'll foon re-eftabliih my credit. 
 But I muft know who this girl is: Hark ye, 
 Papillion, could not you contrive to pu'mp out of 
 her footman I fee there he Hands- the name of 
 his miftrefs ? 
 
 Pap.\ will try. [Exit. 
 
 [ Wilding retires to the back of tbeftage. 
 
 Enter
 
 THE L Y A R. 19 
 
 Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT, and Servant. 
 Sir James. Mufic and an entertainment ? 
 Servant. Yes, Sir. 
 Sir Ja. Lad night, upon the water ? 
 Serv. Upon the water, laft night. 
 Sir Ja. Who gave it ? 
 Serv. Thar, Sir, I can't fay. 
 
 To them WILDING. 
 
 T. Wild. Sir James Elliot your mofb devoted 
 
 Sir Ja. Ah, my dear Wilding ! you are wel- 
 come to town. 
 
 T. Wilding. You will pardon my impatience; 
 I interrupted you ; you feem'd upon an intereft- 
 ing fubjeft. 
 
 Sirja. Oh, an affair of gallantry. 
 
 r. Wild. Of what kind? 
 
 Sir. Ja. A young lady regal'd laft night by her 
 lover, on the Thames. 
 
 T. Wild. As how? 
 
 Sir Ja. A band of mufic in boats. 
 
 T. Wild. Were they good performers ? 
 
 Sir Ja. The beft. Then conduced to Marble- 
 hall, where (he found a magnificent collation. 
 
 T. Wild. Well order'd ? 
 
 Sir Ja. With elegance. After fupper a ball j 
 and to conclude the night, a firework. 
 
 T. Wild. Was the laft well defign'd ? 
 
 Sir'Ja. Superb. 
 
 T. Wild. And happily executed ? 
 
 Sir Ja. Not a fingle faux pas. 
 
 T. Wild. And you don't know who gave it ? 
 
 Sir Ja. I can't even guefs. 
 
 T. Wild. Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Sir. Ja. Why do you laugh ? 
 
 r, Wild. Ha, ha, ha 1 It was me. 
 
 C i Sir
 
 20 THE L Y A R, 
 
 Sir Ja. You ! 
 
 Pap. You, Sir ! 
 
 T. mid. Moi me. 
 
 Pap. So, fo, fo3 he is enter'd again. 
 
 Sir Ja. Why, you are fortunate, to find a 
 miftrefs in fo fhort a fpace of time. 
 
 T. Wild. Short ! why, man, I have been in 
 London thefe fix w^eks. 
 
 Pap. O Lord, O Lord ! 
 
 T. Wild. It is true, not caring to encounter 
 my father, 1 have rarely ventured out but at 
 nights. 
 
 Pap. I can hold no longer. Dear Sir. 
 
 T. Wild. Peace, puppy ! 
 
 Pap. A curb to your poetical vein. 
 
 T. Wild. I fhall curb your impertinence.* 
 But fince the ftory is got abroad I will, my dear 
 friend, treat you with all the particulars. 
 
 Sirja. I fhall hear it with pleafure. This is a 
 lucky adventure : But he mult not know he is my 
 rival. \Afide\ 
 
 Y. Wild. Why, Sir> between fix and feven my 
 goddefs embark'd at Somerfet-ftairs, in one of 
 the companies barges, gilt and hung with damafk, 
 exprefly for the occafion, 
 
 Pap. Mercy on us ! 
 
 T. Wild. At the cabin-door fhe was accofted 
 by a beautiful boy, who, in the garb of a Cupid, 
 p,aid her fome compliments in verfe of my own 
 compofing: the conceits were pretty; allufions 
 to Venus and the fea the lady and the Thames 
 nojgreat matter ; but, however, well-tim'd, and 
 what was better, well taken. 
 
 Sir. Ja. Doubtlefs. 
 
 Pap. At what a rate he runs ! 
 
 T. Wild. As foon as we had gained the center 
 of the river, two. boats full of trumpets, French 
 
 horns,
 
 THE L Y A R. a 
 
 horns, and other martial mufic, ftruck up their 
 i'prightly ftrains from the Surry-fide, which were 
 ccho'd by a fuitable number of lutes, flutes, 
 and hautboys from the oppofite fhore. In this 
 flare, the oars keeping time, we majeftically 
 fail'd along, till the arches of the New Bridge 
 gave a paule, and an opportunity for an elegant 
 tlefart in Drefden china, by Robinfon. Here the 
 repaft clos'd, with a few favourite airs from Eliza, 
 Tenducci, and the Mattel. 
 
 Pap. Mercy on us ! 
 
 T. Wild. Oppofite Lambeth I had prepared a 
 naval engagement, in which Bofcawen's victory 
 over the French was repeated : the action was 
 conducted by one of the commanders on that ex- 
 pedition, and not a fingle incident omitted. 
 
 Sir Ja. Surely you exaggerate a little. 
 
 Pap. Yes, yes, this battle will fink him. 
 
 T. Wild. True to the letter, upon my honour, 
 I lha'n't trouble you with a repetition of our 
 collation, ball, feu d'artifice, with the thoufand 
 little incidental amufements that chance or defign 
 produc'd ; it is a enough to know, that all that 
 could flatter the fenfes, fire the imagination, or 
 gratify the expectation, was there produc'd in a 
 lavifh abundance. 
 
 Sirja. The facrifice was, I prefume, grateful 
 to your deity. 
 
 T. Wild, Upon that fubject you muft pardon 
 my filence. 
 
 Pap. Modeft creature ! 
 
 Sir Ja. I wifti you joy of your fuccefs. For 
 the prefent you will excufeme. 
 
 T. Wild. Nay, but Ray and hear the conclulion. 
 
 Sir Ja. For that i fhall feize another occa- 
 fion. [#;'/. 
 
 Pap. Nobly performed, Sir. 
 
 r.
 
 22 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 T. mid. Yes, T think happily hit off. 
 
 Pap. May I take the liberty to offer one 
 queftion ? 
 
 T. Wild. Freely. 
 
 Pap, Pray, Sir, are you often vifued with thefe 
 \vaking dreams ? 
 
 T. Wild. Dreams! whatdoft mean by dreams? 
 
 Pap. Thefe ornamental reveries, thefe frolics 
 of fancy, which, in the judgment of the vulgar, 
 would be deem'd abfolute flames. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, Papiflion, you have but a poor, 
 narrow, circumfcribed genius. 
 
 Pap. I .muft own, Sir, I have no fublimity 
 fufficient to relifh the full fire of your Pindaric 
 mufe. 
 
 T. Wild. No ; a plebeian foul ! But I will ani- 
 mate thy clay : mark my example, follow my 
 itepsj and in time thou may'ft rival thy mafter. 
 
 Pap. Never, never, Sir, 1 have no talents to 
 fight battles without blows, and give feafts that 
 don't coft me a farthing. Befides, Sir, to what 
 purpofe are all thefe embellilhments ? Why tell 
 the lady you have been in London a year ? 
 
 T. Wild. The better to plead the length, and 
 confequently the ftrength of my paffion. 
 
 Pap. But why, Sir, a foldier. 
 
 T. Wild. How little thou know 'ft of the fex ! 
 What, I fuppofe thou would'tt have me attack 
 them in mood and figure, by a pedantic, ciaf- 
 fical quotation, or a pompous, parade of jargon, 
 from the fchoois. What, doft think that women, 
 .are to be got like degrees ? 
 
 Pap. Nay, Sir 
 
 T. Wild. No, no; the fcavoir vivre is the fci- 
 ence for them ; the man of war is their man : 
 they muft be taken like towns, by lines of ap- 
 proach, counter-fcarps, angles, trenches, cohorns, 
 
 and
 
 T H E L Y A R. 23 
 
 and covert-ways ; then enter fword in hand, pell- 
 mell ! oh, how they melt at the Gothic names 
 of General Swappinback, Count Roufoumoufky, 
 Prince Montecuculi, and Marfhal Fuftinburgh ! 
 Men may fay what they will of their Ovid, their 
 Petrarch, and their Waller, but I'll undertake to 
 do more bufmefs by the fingle -aid of the London 
 Gazette, than by all the fighing, dying, crying 
 crochets, that the whole race of rhymers have 
 everproduced. 
 
 Pap. Very well, Sir j this is all very lively j but 
 remember the travelling pitcher : if you don't 
 one time or other, under favour, lye yourfelf 
 into fome confounded fcrape, 1 will content to 
 be hanged. 
 
 T. mid. Do you think fo, Papillion ? And 
 whenever that happens, if I don't lye myfelf out of 
 it again, why then I will be content to be cruci- 
 fy'd. And fo, along after the lady. [Stops Jhort, 
 going out."] Zounds, here comes my father ! I muft 
 fiy. Watch him, Papillion, and bring me word to 
 the Cardigan. 
 
 \JLxtunt feparately. 
 
 N D of the FIRST ACT: 
 
 ACT
 
 24 THE L Y A R. 
 
 j&&^^ & 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 CENE. ATAVE R N. 
 
 YOUNG WILDING and PAPILLION rifing from 
 'Table. 
 
 Young Wilding, 
 
 GAD, I had like to have run into the old 
 gentleman's mouth. 
 
 Pap. It is pretty near the fame thing ; for I 
 faw him join Sir James Elliot: fo your arrival is 
 IK) longer a fecret. 
 
 T. Wild. Why then I muft lofe my pleafure, 
 and you your preferment : I muft fubmit to the 
 dull decency of a fober family, and you to the 
 cuftomary duties of brufhing and powdering. 
 But I was fo flutter'd at meeting my father, that 
 I forgot the fair ; pr'ythee who is flie ? 
 
 Pap. There were two. 
 
 T. Wild. That I faw ? 
 
 Pap. From her footman I learnt her name was 
 Godfrey. 
 
 r. Wild. And her fortune I 
 
 Pap. Immenfe. 
 
 r. Wild. Single, I hope ? 
 
 Pap. Certainly 
 
 Pap. Then will I have her. 
 
 Pap. What, whether Ihe will or no ? 
 
 T. Wild. Yes. 
 
 Pap. How will you manage that ? 
 
 r. Wild.
 
 THE L Y A R. 25 
 
 T. Wild. By making it impofiible for her to 
 marry anyoneelfe. 
 
 Pap. I don't underftand you, Sir. 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, 1 fhall only have recourfe to that 
 talent you fo mightily admire, You will fee, by 
 the circulation of a few anecdotes, how foon I will 
 get rid of my rivals. 
 
 Pap. At the expence of the lady*s reputation, 
 perhaps. 
 
 T. Wild. That will be as it happens. 
 
 Pap. And have you no qualms, Sir ? 
 
 T. Wild. Why, where's the injury ? 
 
 Pap. No injury to ruin her fame ! 
 
 T. Wild. I will reftore it to her again. 
 
 Pap. How ? 
 
 T. Wild. Turn tinker and mend it myfelf. 
 
 Pap. Which way? 
 
 T. Wild. The old way , folder it by marriage : 
 that, you know, is the modern falve for every 
 fore, 
 
 Enter WAITER. 
 
 Wait. An elderly gentleman to enquire for 
 Mr Wilding. 
 
 T. Wild. For me ! what fort of a being is it ? 
 
 Wait. Being, Sir! 
 
 Y. Wild. Ay; how ishedreft? 
 
 Wait. In a tye-wig and fnuff-colour'd coat. 
 
 Pap. Zooks, Sir, it is your father. 
 
 r. Wild. Shew him up. [Exit Waiter. 
 
 Pap. And what muft I do ? 
 
 T. Wild. Recover your broken Englifh, but 
 prefer ve your rank : I have a reafon for it. 
 
 Enter OLD WILDING. 
 
 O. Wild. Your fervant, Sir: your are welcome 
 to town. 
 
 D T. Wild.
 
 a6 THE L Y A R. 
 
 T. Wild. You have juft prevented me, Sir: J 
 was preparing to pay my duty to you. 
 
 O. Wild. If you thought it a duty, you Ihould, 
 I think, have fooner difcharg'd it. 
 
 T. Wild. Sir ! 
 
 O. Wild. Was it quite fo decent, Jack, to be 
 fix weeks in town, and conceal yourfelf only from 
 me^? 
 
 T. Wild. Six weeks ! I have fcarce been fix 
 hours. 
 
 O. Wild. Come, come, I am better inform'd. 
 
 T. Wild. Indeed, Sir, you are impos'd upon. 
 This gentleman (who firft give me leave to 
 have the honour of introducing to you), this, 
 Sir, is the marquis de Chatteau Briant, of an an- 
 cient houfe in Brittany ; who, travelling through 
 England, chole to make Oxford for fome time 
 the place of his refidence, where I had the happi- 
 nefs of his acquaintance. 
 
 O. Wild. Does he fpeak Englifh. 
 
 T. Wild. Not fluently, but understands it per- 
 fectly. 
 
 Pap. Pray, Sir, 
 
 O. Wild. Any fervices, Sir, that I can render 
 you here you may readily command. 
 
 Pap. Beacoup d'honeur. 
 
 T. Wild. This gentleman, I fay, Sir, whofe 
 quality and country are fufficient fecurities for his 
 veracity, will allure you that yefterday we left 
 Oxford together. 
 
 O. Wild. Indeed! $ 
 
 Pap. C'eftvrai. 
 
 O. Wild. This is amazing, I was, at the fame 
 time, infcrm'd of another circumllance too, that, 
 I confefs, made me a little uneafy, as it interfer'd 
 with a favourite fchcme of my own. 
 
 T. Wild.
 
 THE L Y A R. 27 
 
 r. Wild. What could that be, pray, Sir ? 
 
 O. Wild. That you had conceiv'd a violent 
 affection for a fair lady. 
 
 T. Wild. Sir ! 
 
 O. Wild. And had given her very gallant and 
 very expenfive proofs of your paffion. 
 
 T. Wild. Me, Sir! 
 
 O. Wild. Particularly laft night j mufic, colla- 
 tions, balls, and fireworks. 
 
 T. Wild. Monfieur le marquis ! And pray, 
 Sir, who could tell you all this ? 
 
 O. Wild. An old friend of yours. 
 
 T. Wild. His name, ifyoupleafe. 
 
 O. Wild. Sir James Elliot. 
 
 T. Wild. Yes : I thought he was the man. 
 
 0. Wild. Yourreafon. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, Sir, though Sir James Elliot 
 has a great many good qualities, and is, upon the 
 whole, a valuable man, yet he has one fault 
 which has long determined me to drop his ac- 
 quaintance. 
 
 O. Wild. What may that be ? 
 
 T. Wild. Why you can't, Sir, be a ftranger W 
 his prodigious {kill in the traveller's talent. 
 
 O. Wild. How ! 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, notorious to a proverb. His 
 
 friends, who are tender of his fame,, glofs over 
 his foible, by calling him an agreeable novelifr : 
 and lo he is, with a vengeance . Why, he will 
 tell you more lyes in an hour, than all the circu- 
 lating libraries, put together, will publith in a 
 year. 
 
 O. Wild. Indeed! 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, he is the modern Mandeville at 
 Oxford ; he was always diftinguifh'd by the face- 
 tious appellation of the Bouncer. 
 
 0. Wild. Amazing ! 
 
 D a T. Wild.
 
 28 THE L Y A R. 
 
 T. Wild. Lord, Sir, he is fo well underftood 
 in his own country, that at the laft Hereford 
 afiize a caufe, as clear as the fun, was abfolutely 
 thrown away by his being merely mentioned as a 
 w ; cnefs. 
 
 O. Wild. A ftrange turn. 
 
 T. Wild Unaccountable. But there I think 
 they went a little too far; for if it had come to an 
 oath, I. don't think he would have bounc'dneither; 
 but in common occurrences there is no repeating 
 after him. Indeed, my great reafon for dropping 
 him was, that my credit began to be a little fuf- 
 pecled too. 
 
 Pap. Poor gentleman ! 
 
 O. Wild. Why, I never heard this of him. 
 
 T. Wild. That may be: but can there be a 
 (Ironger proof of his practice than the flam he has 
 been telling you, of fireworks, and the Lord 
 knows what. And I dare fwear, Sir, he was very 
 fluent and florid in his^defcription. 
 
 O. Wild. Extremely. 
 
 T. Wild. Yes, thatisjuft his way; and not a 
 fyllable of truth from the beginning to the ending, 
 marquis ? 
 
 Pap. C% dat is all a fiction upon mine 
 honour. 
 
 T. Wild. You fee, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. Clearly. I really can't help pitying 
 the pcor man. I have heard of people, who, by 
 long habit, become a kind of conftitutional 
 lyars. 
 
 T. Wild. Your obfervation isjuft; that is ex- 
 actly his cafe. 
 
 Pap. I'm fure it is your's. 
 
 O. Wild. Well i Sir, I fuppofe we fhall fee you 
 this evening. 
 
 Y. Wild.
 
 T H E L Y A R 29 
 
 T. Wild. The marquis has an appointment 
 with fome of his countrymen, which I have pro- 
 mis'd to attend ; befides, Sir, as he is an entire 
 flranger in town, he may want my little fervices. 
 
 0. Wild. Where can I fee you in about an 
 hour ? 1 have a fhort vifit to make, in which you 
 are deeply concern'd. 
 
 T. Wild. I lhall attend your commands i but 
 where ? 
 
 O. Wild. Why here. Marquis, I am your 
 obedient fervant. 
 
 Pap. Votre ferviteur tres humble. 
 
 [Exit Old Wilding. 
 
 T. Wild. So, Papillion , thac difficulty is dif- 
 patch'd. 1 think 1 am even with Sir James for his 
 tattling. 
 
 Pap. Mod ingenioufly manag'd : But are not 
 you afraid of the confequence ? 
 
 T. Wild. I do not comprehend you. 
 
 Pap. A future explanation between the par- 
 ties. 
 
 T. Wild. That may embarrafs : but the day 
 is diftant. I warrant I will bring myfelf off. 
 
 Pap. It is in vain for me to advife. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, to fay truth, I do begin to 
 find my fyftem attended with danger : Give me 
 your hand, Papillion- I will reform. 
 
 Pap. Ah, Sirl 
 
 T. Wild. I pofitively will : Why this practice 
 may in time deftroy my credit. 
 
 Pap. That is pretty well done already. [Afide.] 
 Ay, think of that, Sir. 
 
 T. Wild. Well, if I don't turn out the meereft 
 
 dull matter of fact fellow But, Papillion, I 
 
 muft fcribble a billet to my new flame. I think 
 her name is-*- 
 
 Pap.
 
 3 o T ft E L Y A R. 
 
 Pap. Godfrey; her father, an Indian governor, 
 fhut up in the ftrong room at Calcutta, left her 
 all his wealth : me lives near mifs Grantam, by 
 Grofvenor-fquare. 
 
 T. Wild. A governor ! oh ho ! Bufhels of 
 
 rupees, and pecks of pagodas, I reckon. 
 
 Well, I rong to, be rumaging. But the old 
 gentleman will foon return : I will haften to 
 finifh my letter. But, Papillion, what could my 
 father mean by a vifit in jvhich I am deeply con- 
 ccrn'd ?. 
 
 Pap. I can't guefs. 
 
 T. mid. 1 fliall know prefentty. To Mifs 
 
 Godfrey, formerly of Calcutta, now refiding in 
 Grofvenor-fquare. Papillion, I won't tell her a 
 word of a lye. 
 
 Pap. You won't, Sir ? 
 
 T. Wild. No; it would be ungenerous to de- 
 ceive a lady. No; I will be open, candid and 
 fincere. 
 
 Pap. And if you are, it will be the firfttime. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 V 
 
 Enter Mifs GRANTAM and Mifs GODFREY. 
 
 M. God. And you really like this gallant 
 fpark ? 
 
 M. Gr. Prodigioufly. Oh, I'm quite in love 
 with his aflurance ! I wonder who he is : he can't 
 have been long in town : a young fellow of his 
 eafy impudence muft have foon made his way- to 
 the beft of company. 
 
 M. God. Byway of amufement he may prove 
 no difagreeable acquaintance , but you can't, 
 furely v have any ferious defigns upon him. 
 
 M. Gr. Indeed but I have. 
 
 M. God.
 
 THE L Y A R. 31 
 
 M. God. And poor Sir James Elliot is to be 
 difcarded at once ? 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, no. 
 
 M. God. What is your intention in regard to 
 him ? 
 
 M. Gr. Hey ? I can't tell you. Perhaps, if 
 I don't like this new man better, I may marry 
 hirn. 
 
 M. God. Thou art a ftrange giddy girl. 
 
 M. Gr. Quite the reverfe ; a perfect pattern of 
 prudence : why, would you have me lefs careful 
 of my perfon than my purfe ? 
 
 M. God. My dear ! 
 
 M. Gr. Why I fay, child, my fortune being 
 in money, I have feme in India-bonds, fome in 
 the Bank, fome on this loan, fome on the other; 
 fo that if one fun fails, 1 have a fure refource in 
 thereft.- 
 
 M. God. Very true. 
 
 M. Gr* Well, my dear, juft fo I manage my 
 love-affairs : if I fbould not like this man if he 
 Ihould not like me if we fhould quarrel if, if 
 or in fhort, if any of the ifs fhould happen, 
 which you know break engagements every day, 
 why by this means I fhall never be at a lofs, 
 
 M. God. Quite provident. Well, and pray on 
 how many different fecurities have you at prefent 
 plac'd cue your love? 
 
 M. Gr. Three : the fober Sir James Elliot, the 
 new America-man, and this morning I expcded 
 a formal propofal from an old friend of my 
 father. 
 
 M. God. Mr. Wilding. 
 
 M. Gr. Yes j but I don't reckon much upon 
 him: for you know, my dear, what can 1 do 
 with an aukward, raw, college cub ? Though, 
 
 upon
 
 3 2 T H E L Y A R, 
 
 upon fecond thoughts, that may'at be too bad 
 neither , for as I muft have the fafhioning of him, 
 he may be eafily moulded to one's mind. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Serv. Mr. Wilding, Madam. 
 
 M. Gr. Shew him in. [Exit Servant.] You 
 need not go, my dear , we have no particular 
 bufmefs. 
 
 M. God. I wonder now what fhc calls particu- 
 lar bufmefs. 
 
 Enter OLD WILDING. 
 
 O. Wild. Ladies your fervant. I wait upon 
 you, Madam, with a requeft from my fon, that 
 he may be permitted the honour of killing your 
 had. 
 
 M. Gr. Your fon is in town then ? ' 
 
 O. Wild. He came laft night, Ma'am j and 
 though but juft from the university I think I may 
 venture to affirm, with as little the air of a pe- 
 dant as 
 
 M. Gr. I don't, Mr. Wilding, queftion the 
 accomplifhments of your fon ; and (hall own too, 
 that his being defccnded from the old friend of 
 my father, is to me the itrongeft recommenda- 
 tion. 
 
 O. Wild. You honour me, Madam. 
 
 M. Gr. But, Sir, I have fomething to fay 
 
 O. Wild. Pray, Madam, fpeak out , it is im 
 pofllble to be too explicit on thefe important oc- 
 cafions. 
 
 M. Gr. Why then, Sir, to a man of your wif- 
 dom and experience 1 need not obferve, that the 
 lofs of a parent to counfcl and direct at this fo- 
 
 lemn
 
 T H E L Y A R. 33 
 
 lemn crifis, has made a greater degree of per- 
 ibnal prudence neceflary in me. 
 
 O. Wild. Perfectly right, Ma'am. 
 
 M. Gr. We live, Sir, in a very cenforious 
 world , a young woman can't be too much upon 
 her guard; nor fhould I chufe to admit any man. 
 in the quality of a lover, if there was not at lead 
 a ftrong probability 
 
 O. Wild. Of a more intimate connection. I 
 hope, Madam, you have heard nothing to the 
 difadvantage of my fon. 
 
 M. Gr. Not a fyllable : but you know, Sir, 
 there are fuch things in nature as unaccountable 
 antipathies, avfrfions, that we take at firfl fight : 
 1 fhould be glad there could be no danger of 
 that. 
 
 O. Wild. I underftand you, Madam ; you 
 (hall have all the fat is faction imaginable : Jack is 
 to meet me immediately : 1 will conduct him 
 under your window ; and if his figure has the mif- 
 fortune to diipleafe, I will take care his addrefTes 
 ihall never offend you. Your moil obedient fer- 
 vant. Exit.] 
 
 M. Gr. Now there is a polite, fenfible, old 
 father for you. 
 
 M. God. Yes ; and a very difciret, prudent 
 daughter he is likely to have. Oh, you are a 
 great hypocrite, Kitty. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Serv. A letter to you, Madam. [70 Mifs God- 
 frey.] Sir James Elliot to wait on your ladylhip. 
 [To Mifs Grantam. | Exit. 
 
 M. Gr. Lord, I hope he won't (lay long here. 
 He comes and feems intirely wrapt up in the dif- 
 mals : what can be the matter now ? 
 
 E Enter
 
 34 THE L Y A R. 
 
 Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT: 
 
 Sir Ja. In paffing by your door, I took the 
 liberty, Ma'am, of enquiring after your health. 
 
 M. Gr. Very obliging. I hope, Sir, you re- 
 ceiv'd a favourable account. 
 
 Sir Ja. I did not know but you might have 
 caught cold laft night. 
 
 M. Gr. Cold ! why Sir, I hope I did notfleep 
 with my bed-chamber window open. 
 
 Sir Ja. Ma'am ! 
 
 M. Gr. Sir! 
 
 Sir Ja. No, Ma'am ; but it was rather hazar- 
 dous to ftay fo late upon the water. 
 
 M. Gr. Upon the water ! 
 
 Sir Ja. Not but the variety of amufements, it 
 muft be own'd, were a fufficient temptation. 
 
 M. Gr. What can he be driving at now ! 
 
 Sir Ja. And pray, Madam, what think you 
 of Young Wilding? is not he a gay, agreeable, 
 fprightly 
 
 M. Gr. 1 never give my opinion of people I 
 don't know. 
 
 Sir Ja. You don't know him ! 
 
 M. Gr. No. 
 
 Sir Ja. And his father I did not meet at your 
 door ! 
 
 M. Gr. Moft likely you did. 
 
 Sir Ja. I am glad you own that, however : 
 But, for the fon, you never 
 
 M* Gr. Sat eyes upon him. 
 
 Sir Ja. Really ? 
 
 M. Gr. Really. 
 
 Sir Ja. Finely fupported. Now, Madam, do 
 you know that pne of us is juft going to make a 
 very ridiculous figure ? 
 
 K Gn
 
 THE L Y A R. 35 
 
 M. Ge. Sir, I never had the leaft doubt of 
 your talents for excelling in that way. 
 
 Sir Ja. Ma'am, you do me honour : but it 
 does not happen to fall to my lot upon this oc* 
 cafion, however. 
 
 M. Gr. And that is a wonder ! What, then 
 I am to be the fool of the comedy, I fuppofe. 
 
 Sir Ja. Admirably rally'd ! But I Ihall daftuhe 
 fpirit of that triumphant laugh. 
 
 M. Gr. I dare the attack. Come on, Sir. 
 
 Sir Ja. Known then, and blulh, if you are not 
 as loft to fhame as dead to decency, that I am no 
 ftranger to all laft night's tranfactions. 
 
 Af. Gr. Indeed! 
 
 Sirja. From your firft entering the barge at 
 Somerfet-houfe, to your laft landing at White- 
 hall. 
 
 M. Gr. Surprizing ! 
 
 Sir Ja. Cupids, collations, feafts, fireworks, 
 all have reach'd me. 
 
 M. Gr. Why you deal in magic. 
 
 Sir Ja. My intelligence is as natural as it is in- 
 fallible. 
 
 M. Gr. May I be indulg'd with the name of 
 your informer. 
 
 Sir Ja. Freely, Madam. Only the very indi- 
 vidual fpark to whofe folly you were indebted for 
 this gallant profufion. 
 
 M. Gr. But his name ? 
 
 Sir Ja. Young Wilding. 
 
 M. Gr. You had this ftory from him ? 
 
 Sir Ja. I had. 
 
 M. Gr. From Wilding ! That is amazing. 
 
 Sir Ja. Oh ho 1 what you are confounded at 
 laft j and no evafionto fubterfuge, n^ 
 
 M. Gr. Lookye, Sir, James j what you can 
 
 mean by this ftrange ftory, and very extraordi- 
 
 E 2 ary
 
 36 THE L Y A R. 
 
 nary behaviour, it is impoflible for me to con- 
 ceive j but if it is meant as an artifice to palli- 
 ate your infidelity to me, lefs pains would have 
 anfwep'd your purpofe. 
 
 ' Sir Ja. Oh, Madam, I know you are provi- 
 ded. 
 
 M. Gr. Matchlefs infolence ! as you can't ex- 
 pect that I fhould be prodigioufly pleas'd with the 
 fubjecl: of this vifit, you won't be furprized at my 
 wiJning it as fhort as poffible. 
 
 Sir Ja. I don't wonder you feel pain at my 
 prefence : but you may reft fecure you will have 
 no interruption for me ; and I really think it 
 would be pity to part two people fo exactly 
 formed for each other. Your ladyfhip's fervant. 
 [Going,"] But, Madam, though your fex fecures 
 you from any farther refentment, yet the prefent 
 object of your favour may have fomething to fear. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 M. Gr. Very well. Now my dear I hope you 
 will acknowledge the prudence of my plan. To 
 what a pretty condition I mud have been reduc'd 
 if my hopes had retted upon one lover alone. 
 
 M. God. But are you fure that your method to 
 multiply, may not be the means to reduce the 
 number of your flaves ? 
 
 M. Gr. Impoflible! Why can't you difcern 
 that this flam of Sir James Elliot's is a mere fetch 
 to favour his retreat. 
 
 M. God. And you never faw Wilding ? 
 
 M. Gr. Never! 
 
 M. Ged. There is fome myftery in this. I 
 have too here in my hand another mortification 
 that you muft endure. 
 
 M. Gr. Cf what kind? 
 
 M. God.
 
 THE L Y A R. 37 
 
 M. God. A little ally'd to the laft : it is from 
 the military fparkyou met this morning. 
 
 M. Gr. What are the contents ? 
 
 M. God. Only a formal declaration of love. 
 
 M. Gr. Why, you did not fee him. 
 
 M. God. But it feems he did me. 
 
 M. Gr. Might I perufe it ? <c Battles no 
 wounds- fo fatal cannon-balls-^Cupid fpring a 
 mine cruelty die on a counterfcrap eyes 
 artillery death the ftranger." Jt is addrefs'd to 
 you. 
 
 M. God. I told you fo. 
 
 M. Gr. You will pardon me, my dear -, but I 
 really can't complknent you upon the fuppofition 
 of a conqueft at my experrce. 
 
 M. God. That would be enough to make me 
 vain : But why do you think it was fo impcrffible ? 
 
 M. Gr. And do you pofitively want a reafon ? 
 
 M. God. Pofitively. 
 
 M. Gr. Why, then,- 1 fhall refer you for an 
 anfwer to a faithful counfellor and moft accom- 
 plifh'd critic. 
 
 M. God. Who may that be ? 
 
 M. Gr. The-mirror upon your toilette. 
 
 M. God. Perhaps you may differ in judgment. 
 
 M. Gr. Why, can glafies flatter ? 
 
 M- God. I can't fay I think that necefiary. 
 
 M. Gr. Saucy enough ! But come, child, 
 don't let us quarrel upon fo whimfical an occa 
 fionj rime will explain the whole. You will fa- 
 vour me with your opinion of Young Wilding, at 
 my window. 
 
 M. God. I attend you. 
 
 M. Gr. You will forgive me, my dear, the 
 little hint I dropt j it was meant merely to ferve 
 you ; for indeed, child, there is no quality fo in- 
 
 fufferablc
 
 3 8 THELYAR 
 
 fufFerable in a young woman as felf-concelt and 
 vanity. 
 
 M. God, You are mod prodigioufly obliging. 
 
 M. Gr. I'll follow you, Mifs. [Exit Mifs God- 
 frey.] Pert thing! She grows immoderately 
 ugly. I always thought her aukward, but fhe is 
 now an abfolute fright. 
 
 M. God. [within,] Mifs, Mifs Grantam, your 
 hero's at hand. 
 
 M. Gr. I come. 
 
 M. God. As I live, the very individual 
 ftranger. 
 
 M. Gr. No, fure ! Oh Lord, let me have a 
 peep, 
 
 M . God. It is he, it is he, it is he. 
 
 Enter OLD WILDING, YOUNG WILDING, and 
 PAPILLION. 
 
 O. Wild. There, Marquis, you muft pardon 
 me ; for though Paris be more compact, yet 
 furely London covers a much greater quantity, 
 Oh, Jack, look at that corner houfe : how d'ye 
 like it? 
 
 T. Wild. Very well : but I don't fee any thing 
 extraordinary. 
 
 O. Wild. 1 wifh though you were the matter of 
 what it contains. 
 
 T. Wild. What may that be, Sir? 
 
 O. Wild. The miftrefs, you rogue, you : a 
 fine girl, and an i;nmenfe fortune j aye, and a 
 prudent fenfible wench into the bargain. 
 
 T. Wild. Time enough yet, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. I don't fee that: You are, lad, the 
 laftof our race, and I fhould be glad to fee fome 
 probability of its continuance. 
 
 r. mid.
 
 THE L Y A R. & 
 
 T. Wild. Suppofe, Sir, you were to repeat 
 your endeavours, you have cordially my confenr. 
 
 O. Wild. No j rather too late in life for that 
 experiment. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, Sir, would you recommend a 
 condition to me, that you difapprove of yourfelf, 
 
 O. Wild. Why, Sirrah, I have done my duty 
 to the public and my family, by producing you : 
 now, Sir, it is incumbent on you to difcharge 
 your debt. 
 
 T. Wild, In the college cant, I (hall beg leave 
 to tick a little longer. 
 
 0. Wild. Why then, to be ferious fon, this is 
 the very bufmefs I wanted to talk with you about. 
 In a word, I wifh you married ; and by pro- 
 viding the lady of that manfion for the purpofe, I 
 have proved myfelf both a father and a friend. 
 
 T. Wild. Far be it from me to queftion your 
 care j yet fome preparation for fo important a 
 change 
 
 O. Wild. Oh, I will allow you a week. 
 
 T. Wild. A little more knowledge of the 
 world. 
 
 O. Wild. That you may ftudyat leifure. 
 
 T. Wild, Now all Europe is in arms, my de- 
 fign was to ferve my country abroad. 
 
 0. Wild. You will be full as ufeful to it by re- 
 cruiting herfubjedls at home. 
 
 T Wild. You are then refolv'd. 
 
 O. Wild. Fix'd. 
 
 T. Wild. Pofitively? 
 
 0. Wild. Peremptorily. 
 
 T. Wild. No prayers 
 
 O. Wild. Can move me. 
 
 T. Wild. How the deuce fhall I get out of this 
 toil. [Apde\ But fuppofe, Sir, there Ihould be 
 an imfurmountable objection ? 
 
 0. Wild.
 
 40 THE L Y A R. 
 
 O. Wild. Oh, leave the reconciling that to 
 me -, I am an excellent cafuift. 
 
 T. mid. But, I fay, Sir, if it fhould be im- 
 poflible to obey your commands ? 
 
 O. Wild. Impoffible ! I don't underftandyou. 
 
 T. Wild. Oh,. Sir! But, on my knees, firft 
 let me crave your pardon. 
 
 Q. Wild. Pardon ! for what ? 
 
 T. Wild. I fear I have loft all title to your fu- 
 ture favour. 
 
 O. Wild. Which way ? 
 
 T> Wild. I have done a deed 
 
 O. Wild. Let us hear it. 
 
 T. Wild. At Abington, in the county of Berks. 
 
 O Wild. Well? 
 
 T. Wild. I am 
 
 O. Wild. What ? 
 
 T. Wild. Already married. 
 
 O. Wild. Married ! 
 
 Pap. Married ! 
 
 r. Wild. Married. 
 
 O. Wild. And without my confent ? 
 
 Y. Wild. Compell'dj fatally forc'd. Oh, Sir, 
 did you but know all the circumftances of my 
 fad, fad ftory, your rage would foon convert it- 
 felf to pity. 
 
 O. Wild. What an unluckly event ! But rife, 
 and let me hear it all. 
 
 T. Wild. The (hame and confufion I now feel 
 renders that tafk at prefent impoflible : I there- 
 fore rely for the relation on the good offices of 
 this faithful friend. 
 
 Pap. Me, Sir, I never heard one word of the 
 matter. 
 
 O. Wild. Come, Marquis, favour me with the 
 particulars. 
 
 Pap.
 
 T H E L Y A R. 41 
 
 Pap. Upon my vard, Sire, dis affair has fo 
 fiiock me, that I am almoft as incapable to tell 
 de tale as your fon. [fTo Young Wilding-] Dry 
 a your tears. What can I fay, Sir ? 
 
 T. Wild. Any thing. Oh ! (Seems to weep.) 
 
 Pap. You fee, Sire. 
 
 O. Wild. Your kind concern at the misfor- 
 tunes of my family calls for the moft grateful 
 acknowledgement. 
 
 Pap. Dis is great misfortunes, fans doute. 
 
 T.Wild. But if you, a ftranger, are thus af- 
 fected, what muft a father feel ? 
 
 Pap. Oh, beaucoup great deal more. 
 
 O. Wild. But fince the evil is without a re- 
 medy, let us know the worft at once. Well, Sir, 
 at Abington. 
 
 Pap. Yes, at Abington. 
 
 O. Wild. In the county of Berks. 
 
 Pap. Dat is right, in de county of Berks. 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, ho i 
 
 O. Wild. Ah, Jack, Jack, are ail my hope* 
 
 then Though I dread to afk, yet it muft be 
 
 known ; who is the girl, pray Sir ? 
 
 Pap. De girl, Sir IMdt to Young Wilding.] 
 Who (hall I fay ? 
 
 T. Wild. Any body. 
 
 Pap. For de girl, I can't fay upon my vard. 
 
 O. Wild. Her condition ? 
 
 Pap. Pas grande condition , dat is to be fure; 
 But dere is no hdp.-[dfide to Young Wilding.] 
 Sir, 1 am quite aground. 
 
 O. Wild. Yes j I read mylhame in his referve: 
 feme artful huffy ? 
 
 Pap. Dat may be. Vat you call huffy ? 
 
 O. Wild. Or perhaps fome common creature ! 
 But Fam prepar'd to hear the worft. 
 
 F Pap.
 
 42 THE L Y A R, 
 
 Pap. Have you no mercy ? 
 
 Y. Wild. I'llftep to your relief, Sir. 
 
 Pap. O Lord ! a happy deliverance. 
 
 Y. Wild. Though it is almoft death for me to 
 fpeak, yet it would be infamous to let the repu- 
 tation of that lady fuffer by my filence : She is, 
 Sir, of an ancient houfe and unblemifh'd cha- 
 racter. 
 
 0. Wild. That is fomething. 
 
 Y. Wild. And though her fortune may hot be 
 equal to the warm wifhes of a fond father, 
 yet 
 
 O. Wild. Her name ? 
 
 Y. Wild. Mifs Lydia Sybthorp. 
 
 O. Wild. Sybthorp. 1 never heard of that 
 
 name. But proceed. 
 
 Y. Wild. The latter end of laft long vacation, 
 I went with Sir James Elliot to pafs a few days at 
 a new peichafe of his near Abington. There at 
 an aflembly it was my chance to meet and dance 
 with this lady. 
 
 0. Wild Is (be handfome ? 
 
 Y. Wild. Oh, Sir, more heautiful 
 
 O. Wild. Nay, no raptures ; but go on. 
 
 Y. Wild. But to her beauty fhe adds politenefs, 
 affability, and difcretion j unlefs fhe forfeited 
 that character by fixing her affection on me. 
 
 O. Wilding. Modeftly obferved. 
 
 Y. Wild* 1 wasdeterr'd from a pablic declara- 
 tion of my pafllon, dreading the fcantinefs of her 
 fortune would prove an objection to you. Some 
 private interviewsihe permitted. 
 
 O. Wild. Was that fo decent ? But love and 
 prudence, madnels and reafon. 
 
 Y. Witt.
 
 T H E L Y A R. 43 
 
 T. Wild.. One fatal evening, the twentieth of 
 September, if I miftake not, we were in a retir'd 
 room, innocently exchanging mutual vows, when 
 her father, whom we expecled to fup abroad, 
 came fuddenly upon us. I had juft time to con- 
 ceal myfelf in a clofet. 
 
 O. Wild. What, unobfervedbyhim? 
 
 T. Wild. Entirely. But, as my ill ftars would 
 have it, a cat of whom my wife is vaftly fond, had 
 a few days before lodged a litter of kittens in the 
 fame place : I unhappily trod upon one of the 
 brood, -which foprovok'd the implacable mother, 
 that fhe flew at me with the fury of a tyger. 
 
 O. Wild. I have obferved thofe creatures very 
 fierce in defence of their young. 
 
 Pap. I fhall hate a cat as long as I live. 
 
 T. Wild. The noife rous'd the old gentleman's 
 attention ; he opened the door, and there difco- 
 ver'd your fon. 
 
 Pap. Unlucky. 
 
 T. Wild. I rulh'd to the door-, but fatally my 
 foot flipt at the top of the ftairs, and down I 
 came tumbling to the bottom; the piftol in my 
 had went off by accident : this alarm'd her 
 three brothers in the parlour, who, with 
 all their fervants, rufh'd with united force upon 
 me. 
 
 O. Wild. And fo furpriz'd you ? 
 
 T. Wild. No, Sir; with my fword I for fome 
 time made a gallant defence, and fhould have 
 inevitably efcap'd, but a raw-bon'd, over-grown, 
 clumfy cook-wench, ftruck at my fword with a 
 kitchen poker, broke it in two, and compelled 
 me to furrender at difcretion ; the confequence of 
 which is obvious enough. 
 
 F 2 0. Wild.
 
 44 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 0. Wild. Natural. The lady's reputation, 
 your condition, her beauty, your love, all com- 
 bin'd to make marriage 1 an unavoidable meafure. 
 
 T. Wild. May I hope then you rather think 
 me unfortunate than culpable ? 
 
 O. Wild. Why your fituation is a fufficient ex- 
 cufe : all I blame you for is your keeping it a fe- 
 cret from me. With Mifs Grantam 1 fhall make 
 an aukward figure : but the beft apology is the 
 truth : I'll haften and explain it to her all 
 Oh, Jack, Jack, this is a mortifying bufinefs. 
 
 T. Wild. Moft melancholy. 
 
 [Exit Old Wilding. 
 
 Pap. I am amaz'd Sir, that you have fo care- 
 fully conceal'd this tranfa&ion from me. 
 
 T. Wild. Heyday ! what do you believe it 
 too ? 
 
 Pap. Believe it ! Why is not the (lory of the 
 marriage true ? 
 
 T Wild. Not a fyllable. 
 
 Pap. And the cat, and the piftol, and the 
 poker. 
 
 T. Wild. All invention. And were you really 
 taken in ? 
 
 Pap. Lord, Sir, how was it poflible to avoid it ? 
 Mercy on us ! what a collection of circumftances 
 have you crowded together ! 
 
 T. Wild. Genius j the mere effecls of genius, 
 Papillion. But to deceive you, who fo thoroughly 
 know me ! 
 
 Pap. But to prevent that for the future, could 
 you not juft give your humble fervant a hint, 
 when you are bent upon bouncing. Befides, Sir, 
 if you recollect yovtffix'd refolution to reform 
 
 . r. Wild.
 
 T H E L Y A R, 45 
 
 T. Wild. Ay, as to matter of fancy, the mere 
 fport and frolic of invention : but in cafe of ne- 
 cefiity why, Mifs Godfrey was at ftake, and.! 
 was fbrc'd to ufe all my finefle. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Serv. Two letters, Sir. [Esnt. 
 
 Pap. There are .two things in my confcience 
 my matter will never want: a' prompt lie and a 
 ready excufe for telling of it. 
 
 T. Wild. Hum 1 bufmefs begins to thicken 
 upon us : a challenge from Sir James Elliot, and 
 a rendezvous from the pretty Mifs Godfrey. They 
 lhall both beobferv'd, but in their order : there- 
 fore the lady firft. Let me fee I have not been 
 twenty hours in town, and I have already got a 
 challenge, a miflrefs, and a wife j now if 1 can 
 but get engaged in a chancery fuit, I lhall have 
 my hands pretty full of employment. Come, 
 Papillion, we have no time to be idle. 
 
 \Exeunt. 
 
 E N P of the S E c o N D Ac T, 
 
 ACT
 
 46 THE L Y A R. 
 
 &J*&^^ 
 
 A C T III. 
 
 Mifs GR ANT Awand Mifs GODFREY. 
 
 Mifs Godfrey. 
 
 UPON my word, Mifs Grantam, this is but 
 an idle piece of curiofity : you know the 
 man is already difpos'd of, and therefore 
 
 M. Gr. That is true, my dear ; but there is in 
 this affair fome myllery that I muft and will have 
 explain'd. 
 
 M. God. Come, come, 1 know the grievance. 
 You can't brook that this fpark, though even a 
 married man, fhould throw off his allegiance to 
 you, and enter a volunteer in my fervice. 
 
 M. Gr. And fo you take this fact for granted? 
 
 M. God. Have I not his letter ? 
 
 M. Gr. Conceited creature ! I fancy, Mifs, 
 by your vaft affection for this letter, it is the firft 
 of the kind you ever receiv'd. 
 
 M. God. Nay, my dear, why fhould you be 
 piqu'd at me ? the fault is none of mine ; I dropt 
 no handkerchief ; I threw out no lure ; the bird 
 came willing to hand, you know. 
 
 M. Gr. Metaphorical too ! what, you are fet- 
 ting up for a wit as well as a belle ! why really, 
 Madarrij to do you juftice, you have full as fine 
 pretentions to one as the other. 
 
 M. God. I fancy, Madam, the world will not 
 form their judgment of either from the report of 
 a disappointed rival. 
 
 M Gr*
 
 THE L Y A R. 47 
 
 M. Gr. Rival f admirably rally'd ! But, let 
 me tell you, Madam, this fort of behaviour, 
 Madam, at your own houfe, whatever may be 
 >our beauty, is no great proof of your breeding, 
 Madam. 
 
 M. God. As to that, Ma'am, I hope I fhall 
 always fhew a proper refentment to any infult 
 that is offer'd me, let it be in whofe houfe it will. 
 The affignation, Ma'am, both time and place, 
 was of your own contriving. 
 
 M. Gr. Mighty well, Ma'am ! 
 
 M. God. But if, dreading a mortification, you 
 think proper to alter your plan, your chair, I 
 believe, is in waiting. 
 
 M. Gr. It is, Madam ! then let it wait Oh, 
 what that was your fcheme ! but it won'c take, 
 Mifs : the contrivance is a little too fhallow. 
 
 M. God. I don't understand you. 
 
 M. Gr. Cunning creature ! So all this infolencc 
 was concerted, it feems ; a plot to drive me out 
 of the houfe, that you might have the fellow all 
 toyourfelf: but I have a regard for your cha- 
 racter, though you neglect it. Fie, Mifs ! a 
 paflion for a married man ! 1 really blufli for 
 you. 
 
 M. God. And I moft fincerely pity you. But 
 curb your choler a little : the enquiry you are 
 about to make requires rathet a cooler difpofition 
 of mind; and by this time the hero is at hand. 
 
 M. Gr. Mighty well 5 I am prepar'd. But, 
 Mifs Godfrey, ifyoureally wifh to be acquitted 
 of all artificial underhand dealings, in this affair, 
 fuffer me in your name to manage the inter- 
 view. 
 
 M. God. Moft willingly. But he will recol- 
 lect your voice. 
 
 M. Gr,
 
 4 3 T H E L Y A R 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, that is eafily alter'd. [Enter a 
 Maid, who whifpers Mifs Grantam, and exit.'] It 
 is he, but hide yourfelf, Mifs, if you pleafe. 
 
 M. God. Your hood a little forwarder, Mifs : 
 you may be known, and then we fhall have the 
 language of politenefs inflam'd to proofs of a 
 violent pafiion. 
 
 M. Gr. You are prodigioufly cautious. 
 
 Enter YOUNG WILDING ; 
 
 T. Wild, This rendezvous is fomething in the 
 Spanilh tafte, imported, I fuppofe, with the 
 guittar. At prefent, I prefume, the cuftom is 
 confin'd to the great j but it will defeend, and in 
 a couple of months I fhall not be furpriz'd to 
 hear an attorney's hackney clerk roufing at mid- 
 night, a millener's 'prentice, with an " Ally, 
 Ally Ccoker." But that, if I miftake not, is the 
 temple ; and fee my goddefs herfelf. Mifs 
 Godfrey ! 
 M. Gr. Hufh. 
 
 T. mid. Am I right, Mifs ? 
 
 M. Gr. Softly. You receiv'd my letter, I fee> 
 Sir. 
 
 T, Wild. And flew to the appointment with 
 more 
 
 M. Gr. No raptures, I beg. But you mud 
 not fuppofe this meeting meant to encourage your 
 hopes. 
 
 T. Wild. How, Madam ! 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, by no means, Sir ; for tho' I own 
 your figure is pleafing, and your converfation 
 
 M. God. Hold, Mifs $ when did I ever con- 
 verfe with him ? 
 
 M. Gr. Why, did not you fee him in the 
 Park ? 
 
 M. God.
 
 T H E L Y A R. 49 
 
 M. God. True, Madam : but the converfation 
 was with you. 
 
 M. Gr. Blefs me ! you are very difficult, I fay, 
 Sir, though your perfon may be unexceptionable, 
 yet your character 
 
 T. mid. My character! 
 
 M. Gr. Come, come, you are better known 
 than you imagine. 
 
 T. mid. I hope not. 
 
 M. Gr. Your name is Wilding. 
 
 T. Wild. How the deuce carne (lie by that! 
 Tru?, Madam. 
 
 M. Gr. Pray have you never hjeard of Mifs 
 Gran tarn ? 
 
 T. Wild. Frequently. 
 
 M. Gr. You have. And had you never any 
 favourable thoughts of that lady ? Now mind, 
 Mifs. 
 
 T. Wild. If you mean as a lover, never. The 
 lady did me the honour to have a fmall defign 
 upon me. 
 
 M. God, I hear every word, Mifs. 
 
 M. Gr. But you need not lean fo heavy upojn 
 
 me i he fpeaks loud enough to be heard. 1 
 
 have been told, Sir, that 
 
 T. Wild. Yes, Ma'am, and very likely by the 
 lady herfelf. 
 
 M. Gr. Sir! 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, Madam, I jiave another obliga- 
 tion in my pocket to Mifs Grantam, which muft 
 be difcharg'd in the morning. 
 
 M. Gr. Of what kind ? 
 
 T. Wild. Why the lady, finding an old hum- 
 ble fervant of her's a little lethargic, has thought 
 fit to adminifter me in a jealous draught, in or- 
 der to quicken his pafiion. 
 
 M. Gr. Sir, let me tell you 
 
 G M. God.
 
 50 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 M. God. Have a care ; you will betray your- 
 felf. 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, the whole (lory wiil afford you 
 infinite diverfion : fuch a farago of fights and 
 feafts. But, upon my honour, the girl has a 
 fertile invention. 
 
 M. God. So ! what that ftory was your's was 
 
 it? 
 
 T. Wild. Pray, Madam, don't I hear another 
 voice ? 
 
 M. Gr. A diftant relation of mine. Every 
 
 . fyllable falfe. But, Sir, we have another charge 
 againlt you. Do you know any thing of a lady 
 at Abington ? 
 
 T. Wild, Mifs Grantam again. Yes, Madam, 
 I have fome knowledge of that lady. 
 
 M. Gr. You have ! Well, Sir, and that being 
 the cafe, how could you have the aflurance 
 
 T. Wild. A moment's patience, Ma'am. That 
 lady, that Berkflcire lady, will, I can allure you, 
 prove no bar to rry hopes. 
 
 M. Gr. How, Sir, no bar ? 
 
 T. Wild. Not in the leaft, Ma'am ; for that 
 lady exills in idea only. 
 
 M. Gr. No fuch perlbn ! 
 
 T. Wild. A meer creature of the imagination, 
 
 M. Gr. Indeed? 
 
 T* Wild. The attacks of Mifs Grantam were fo 
 
 fowerfully enforc'd too by paternal athority, that 
 had no method of avoiding the blow, buc 
 by ftehering myfelf under the conjugal (hield. 
 
 M. Gr. You are not marry'd then r But what 
 credit can I give to the profeflions of a man, who, 
 ip an articled fuch importance, and to a perfon 
 of fuch refpca
 
 T H E L Y A R. $r 
 
 T. Wild. Nay, Madam, furely Mifs Godfrey 
 fhould not accufe me of a crime her own charms 
 have occafion'd. Could any other motive but 
 the fear of loGng her prevail on me to trifle 
 with a father^ or compel me to infringe thofe 
 laws which I have hitherto fo invariably ob- 
 ferv'd ? 
 
 M. Gr. What laws, Sir? 
 
 T. Wild. The facred laws of truth, Ma'am. 
 
 M. Gr. There, indeed you did yourfelf art 
 infinite violence. But when the whole of the 
 affair is difcover'd, will it be fo eafy to get rid of 
 Mifs Grantam ? the violence of her paffion, and 
 the old gentleman's obftinacy - 
 
 T. Wild. Are nothing to a mind refolv'd. 
 
 M. Gr. Poor Mifs Grantam ! 
 
 T. Wild. Do you know her, Madam ? 
 
 M. Gr. I have heard of her : but you, Sir, I 
 fuppofe, have been long on an intimate footing ? 
 
 T. Wild. Bred up together from children i 
 
 M. Gr. Brave ! Is (he hand feme ? 
 
 T. Wild. Her paint comes from Paris, and her 
 femme de chambre is ah excellent artilt. 
 
 M. Gr. Very wellHer (hape ? 
 
 T. Wild.. Pray, Madam, is not Curzori. 
 efteemed the beft ilay maker for people inclin'd 
 to be crooked ? 
 
 M. Gr. But as to the qualities of her mind k 
 for inftance her underftanding ? 
 
 T. Wild. Uncultivated. 
 
 M. Gr. Her wit? 
 
 T. Wild. Borrow'd. 
 
 M. Gr. Her tafte t 
 
 T. Wild. Trifling? 
 
 Af. Gr. And her temper. ? 
 
 r. Wild. Intolerable. 
 
 G 2 U. Gr.
 
 2 THE LYAR. 
 
 M. Gr. A finifh'd piflure. But come thefe 
 are not your real thoughts ; this is afacrifice you 
 think due to the vanity of our fex. 
 
 T' Wild. My honeft fentiments : and to con- 
 vince you how thoroughly indifferent I am to 
 that lady, 1 would, upon my veracity, as foon 
 take a wife from the grand fignior's feraglio. 
 Now, Ma'am, I hope you are fatisfy'd 
 
 M. Gr. And you would not icruple to acknow- 
 ledge this before the lady's face ? 
 
 T. Wild. The firft opportunity. 
 
 M. Gr. That I will take care to provide you. 
 Dare you meet me at her houfe ? 
 
 r. Wild. When ? 
 
 M. Gr. In half an hour. 
 
 T. Wild. But won't a declaration of this fort 
 appear odd at a 
 
 M. Gr. Come, no evafion ; your conduct and 
 character feem to me a little equivocal, and J 
 muft infifton this proof, at lead of 
 - T. Wild. You fliall have it. 
 
 M. Gr. In half an hour. 
 
 T. Wild. This inftant. 
 
 M. Gr.JBe punctual. 
 
 T. Wild, Or may I forfeit your favour. 
 
 M. Gr. Very well : till then, Sir, adieu. 
 
 Now I think I have my fpark in the toil ; and if 
 the fellow has any feeling, if I don't make him 
 fmart for every article Come, my dear, I 
 ihall {rand in need of your aid. [Exeunf. 
 
 T. Wild. So ! I am now, I think, arriv'd at a 
 critical period. If I can but weather this point 
 
 But why fhould 1 doubt it ? it is in the day 
 
 of diftrefs only that a great man difplays his abili- 
 ties. But I Ihall want Papillion : where can the 
 puppy be ? 
 
 Enter
 
 THE L Y A R. 
 
 Enter PAPILLION. 
 
 T. Wild, So, Sir ; where have you been ram- 
 bling ? 
 
 Pap. I did not fuppofe you would want 
 
 T. Wild. Want ! you are always out of the 
 way : Here have I been forc'd to tell forty lies 
 upon my own credit, and not a fingle foul to 
 vouch for the truth of them. 
 
 Pap. Lord, Sir, you know 
 
 T. Wild. Don't plague me with your apolo- 
 .gies ; but it is lucky for you that I want your 
 alfiftance. Come with me to Mifs Grantam's. 
 
 Pap. On what occafion ? 
 
 T. Wild. An important one : but I'll prepare 
 you as we walk. 
 
 Pap. Sir, I am really 1 could wifh you 
 
 would be fo good as to > 
 
 T. Wild. What, defert your friend in the heat 
 of battle ! oh, you poltroon ! 
 
 Pap. Sir, I would do any thing, but you know 
 J have not talents 
 
 T. Wild. I do, and for my own fake fhall not 
 talk them too high. 
 
 Pap. Now 1 fuppofe the hour is come when we 
 fhall pay for all. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, what a daftardly, hen-hearted 
 But come, Papillion, this fhall be your laft 
 campaign. Don't droop, man -, confide in your 
 leader, and remember, Sub aufpice Teucro nil 
 defperandum. [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE
 
 54 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 SCENE a Room. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT, conducing in OLD WILDING, 
 
 . 
 
 Serv. My lady, Sir, will be at home immedi- 
 ately. Sir James Elliot is in the next room 
 waiting her return. 
 
 O. Wild. Pray, honeft friend, will you tell Sir 
 James that I beg the favour of a word with him. 
 [Exit Servant.] This unthinking boy ! Half the 
 purpofe of my life has been to plan this fcheme 
 for his happinefs, and in one heedlefs hour has he 
 mangled all. 
 
 Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT. 
 
 Sir, I afk your pardon : but upon fo interefting 
 a lubjefl, I know you will excufe my intrufion. 
 Pray, Sir, of what credit is the family of the 
 Sybthorps in Berkshire ? 
 
 Sirja. Sir! 
 
 O. Wild. I don't mean as to property ; that I 
 am not fo felicitous about ; but as to their cha- 
 racter : Do they live in reputation ? Are they 
 reflected in the neighbourhood ? 
 
 Sir Ja. The family of the Sybthorps ! 
 
 O. Wild. Of the Sybthorps." 
 
 O. Wild Really I don't know, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild Not know ! 
 
 Sir Ja. No ; it is the very firft time I ever 
 heard of the name. 
 
 O. Wild. How fteadily he denies it! VVell 
 done, baronet ! I find Jack's account was a juft 
 one. [d/tde.] Pray, Sir James, recollect your- 
 felf. 
 
 Sir Ja.
 
 THE L Y A R. 
 
 55 
 
 Sir Ja. It will be to nopurpofe. 
 
 O. Wild Come, Sir, your motive for this af- 
 fefted ignorance is a generous, but unnecefiaTy 
 proof of your friendfliip for my fon : but I know 
 the whole affair. 
 
 Sirja. What affair? 
 
 O. Wild. Jack's marriage. 
 
 Sirja. What Jack ? 
 
 O. Wild. My fon Jack. 
 
 Sir Ja. Is he marry'd ? 
 
 O. Wild. Is he marry'd ! why you know he is. 
 
 Sir. Ja. Not I, upon my honour. 
 
 O. Wild. Nay, that is going a little too far: 
 but to remove all your fcruples at once, he has 
 own'd it himfelf. 
 
 Sirja. He has. 
 
 O, Wild. Ay, ay s to me. Every circum- 
 flance $ going to your new purchale at Abington 
 meeting Lydia Sybthorp at the aflembly 
 their private interviews furpri/'d by the father 
 piftol poker and marriage - t in fhort, every 
 particular. 
 
 Sir Ja. And this account you had from your 
 Ton ? 
 
 O. Wild. From Jack j not two hours ago. 
 
 Sir Ja. I wilh you joy, Sir. 
 - 0. Wild. Not much of that, I believe. 
 
 Sir Ja. Why, , c 'r, does the marriage difpleafe 
 you ? 
 
 O. Wild. Doubtlefs. 
 
 Sirja. Then I fancy you may make yourfelf 
 eafy. 
 
 0. Wild. Why fo ? 
 
 Si. Ja. You have got, Sir, the moft prudent 
 daughter-in-law in the Britifh dominions. 
 
 O. Wild. 1 am happy to hear it. 
 
 Sir Ja.
 
 $6 THE L Y A R. 
 
 Sir Ja. For though (he mayn't have brought you 
 much, I'm fure fhe wilt not coft you a farthing. 
 
 O. Wild. Ays exactly Jack's account. 
 
 Sir Ja. She'll be eafily jointur'd. 
 
 O. Wild. Jultice ftiall be done her. 
 
 Sir Ja. No provifion neceffary for younger 
 children. 
 
 O. Wild. No Sir! why not ? I can tell you, if 
 fhe anfwers your account, not the daughter of a 
 duke 
 
 Sir Ja. Ha, ha, ha, ha. 
 
 O. Wild. You are very merry, Sir. 
 
 Sir Ja. What an unaccountable fellow ! 
 
 O. Wild. Sir ! 
 
 Sir Ja. I beg your pardon, Sir. But with re- 
 gard to this marriage 
 
 O. Wild. Well, Sir. 
 
 Sir Ja. I take the whole hi (lory to be neither 
 more nor leis than abfolute fable. 
 
 O. Wild. How, Sir! 
 
 Sir Ja. Even fo. 
 
 O. Wild. Why, Sir, do you think my fon 
 would dare to impofe upon me ? 
 
 Sir Ja. Sir, he would dare to impofe upon 
 any body. Don't 1 know him ? 
 O. Wild. What do you know ? 
 
 Sirja. 1 know, Sir, that his narratives gain 
 him more applaufe than credit j and that, whe- 
 ther from conltitudon or habit, there is no be- 
 lieving a fyllable he fays. 
 
 O. Wild. Oh, mighty well, Sir ! He wants 
 to turn the tables upon Jack. But it won't do; 
 you are foreftall'd ; your novels won't pafs upon 
 me. 
 
 Sir Ja. Sir ! 
 
 O. Wild. Nor is the character of my fon to be 
 blafted with the breath of a bouncer. 
 
 Sir a.
 
 THE L Y A R. 57 
 
 Sir Ja. What is this? 
 
 O. mid. No, no, Mr. Mandeville, it won't 
 do j you are as well known here as in your own 
 county of Hereford. 
 
 Sir Ja. Mr. Wilding, but that I am fure this 
 extravagant behaviour owes its rife to fome im- 
 pudent impofitions of your fon, your age would 
 fcarce prove your protection. 
 
 O. Wild. Nor, Sir, but that I know my boy 
 equal to the defence of his own honour, fhould he 
 want a protector in this arm, wither'd and impo- 
 tent as you may think it. 
 
 Enter Mifs GRANT AM. 
 
 M. Gr. Blefs me, Gentlemen, what is the 
 meaning of this ? 
 
 Sir Ja. No more, at prefent, Sir : I have an- 
 other demand upon your fon j we'll fettle the 
 whole together. 
 
 0. Wild, I am fure he will do you juftice. 
 
 M. Gr. How, Sir James Elliot, I flatter'd 
 myfelf that you had finiih'd your vifits here, Sir. 
 Mud I be the eternal object of your outrage ? not 
 only infulted in my own perfon, but in that of my 
 friends ! Pray, Sir, what right 
 
 O. Wild. Madam, I afk your pardon ; a dif- 
 agreeable occafion brought me here : I come, 
 Madam, to renounce all hopes of being nearer 
 ally'd to you, my 'fon unfortunately being mar- 
 ry 'd already. 
 
 M. Gr. Marry'd ! 
 
 Sirja. Yes, Madam, to a lady in the clouds: 
 and becaufe I have refus'd to acknowledge her 
 family, this old gentleman has behav'd in a 
 manner very inconliftent with his ufual polite- 
 lids. 
 
 H O. Witt.
 
 ' 58 THE L Y A R. 
 
 O. Wild. Sir, I thought this affair was to be 
 referv'd for another occafion ; but you, it fecms 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, is that the bufmefs ? Why, I 
 begin to be afraid we are here a little in the 
 wrong, Mr, Wilding. 
 
 O. mid. Madam. 
 
 M. Gr. Your Ton has juft confirm' d Sir James 
 Ellior's opinion, at a conference under Mifs 
 Godfrey's window. 
 
 O. Wild. Is it poffible? 
 
 M. Gr. Mod true; and afilgn'd two moft 
 \vhimfical motives for the unaccountable tale. 
 
 O mid. What can they be ? 
 
 M. Gr. An averfion for me, whom he has feen 
 but once, and an affection for Mifs Godfrey, 
 whom I am almoft fure he never faw in his life. 
 
 0. Wild. You amaze me. 
 
 M' Gr. Indeed, Mr. Wilding, your fon is a 
 mofl extraordinary youth j he has finely perplex'd 
 us all. I think/ Sir James, you have a fmall ob- 
 ligation to him. 
 
 Sir Ja. Which I fhall take, care to acknowledge 
 the firft opportunity. 
 
 O. fflild. You have my confent. An aban- 
 doned profligate ! was his father a proper fubjecl 
 fbr his But I difcard him. 
 
 M. Gr. Nay, now r .Gentlemen, you are rather 
 too warm : I can't think Mr. Wilding bad-hearted 
 at the bottom. This is a levity 
 
 O. Wild. How, Madam ! a 'levity ! 
 
 M. Gr. Take my word for it, no more -, en- 
 flam'd into habit by the approbation of his juve- 
 nile friends, Will you fubmit his punifhment to 
 me ? I think I have the means in my hands, both 
 to fatisfy your refentments, and accomplifh his 
 Cure into the bargain. 
 
 Sir-Ja.
 
 T H E L Y A R. 59 
 
 Sir Ja. I have no quarrel to him, but for the ill 
 offices he has done me with-you. 
 
 M. Gr. D'ye hear, Mr. Wilding ? I am afraid 
 my opinion with Sir James mult cement the ge- 
 neral peace 
 
 O. Wild. Madam, I fubmit to any* 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Serv. Mr. Wilding to wait upon you, Madam.' 
 
 {Exit. 
 
 M. Gr. He is punctual, I find. Come, good 
 folks, you all act under my direction. You, Sir, 
 will get from your fon, by what means you think 
 fit, the real truth of the Abington bufmefs. You 
 muft likewife feemingly confent to his marriage 
 with Mifs Godfrey, who I (hrewdly fufpcct he has 
 by fome odd accident miftaken for me : the ladjr 
 herfelf fhall appear at your call. Come, Sir 
 James, you will withdraw. I intend to produce 
 another performer, who will want a little inftruc- 
 tion. Kitty. 
 
 Enter KITTY. 
 
 Let John (hew Mr. Wilding in to his father $ 
 then come to my drefling room : I have a Ihort 
 fcene to give you in ftudy. [Exit Kitty.] The 
 girl is lively, and 1 warrant will do her character 
 juftice. Come, Sir James. Nay, no ceremony : 
 we muft be as bufy as bees. [Exeunt; 
 
 0. Wild. This ftrange boy ! But I muft com- 
 mand my temper. 
 
 T. Wild, [freaking as he enters.] People to 
 fpeak with me ! See what they want, Papillion. 
 My father here ! that's unlucky enough. 
 
 H a O. Wild.
 
 66 THE L Y A R. 
 
 O. Wild. Ha, Jack ! what brings you here ? 
 
 T. Wild, Why, I thought it my duty to ware 
 upon Mifs Grantam, in order to make her forne 
 apology for the late unfortunate 
 
 O. Wild. Well now, that is prudently, as well 
 as politely done. 
 
 . T. Wild. I am happy to meet, Sir, with your 
 approbation. 
 
 O. Wild, \ have been thinking, Jack, about 
 my daughter-in-law : as the affair is public, it is 
 not decent to let her continue longer at her 
 father's. 
 
 T. Wild. Sir ! 
 
 O. Wild. Would it be right to fend for her 
 home ? 
 
 T. Wild. Doubtlefs, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. 1 think fo. Why then to-morrow 
 my chariot (hall fetch her. 
 
 T. Wild. The devil it (hall ! \AJih.] Not 
 quite fo foon, if you pleafe, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. No! why not ? 
 
 T. Wild. The journey may be dangerous in her 
 prefent condition. 
 
 O. Wild. What's the matter with her ? 
 
 T. Wild* She is big with child, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. An andacious Big with child ! 
 
 that is fortunate. But, however, an eafy carriage, 
 and fhort ftages can't hurt her. 
 
 T.. Wild. Pardon me, Sir, I dare not truft her ; 
 flie is fix months gone. 
 
 0. Wild. Nay, then, there may be danger in- 
 deed. But fhould I write to her father, juft to 
 let him know that you have difcovered the fe- 
 eret. 
 
 T. Wild. By all means, Sir, it will make him- 
 extremely "happy. 
 
 0. Wild.
 
 T H-E L Y A R 61 
 
 O. Wild. Why then I will inftantly about it, 
 pray how do you direct to him ? 
 
 T. Wild. Abington, Berkshire. 
 
 O. Wild. True j but his addrcfs ? 
 
 T. Wild. You need not trouble yourfelf, Sir : 
 I fhall write by this poll to my wife/ and will fend 
 your letter inclos'd. 
 
 O. Wild. Ay, ay, that will do. [Going. 
 
 T. Wild. So, I have parry'd that thruft. 
 
 O. Wild. Though upon fecond thoughts, Jack, 
 that will rather look too familiar for an introduc- 
 tory letter. 
 
 T. Wild, Sir ! 
 
 0. Wild. And thefe country gentlemen are full 
 
 of punctilios No, I'll fend him a letter 
 
 apart , fo give me his direction. 
 
 T. Wild, You have it, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild Ay, but his name : I have been fo 
 hurty'd that I have entirely forgot it. 
 
 T. Wild. I am fure fo have I. ~ \Afide. "\ His 
 name his name, Sir Hopkins. 
 
 O. Wild. Hopkins! 
 
 T. Wild. Yes, Sir. 
 
 0. Wild. That is not the fame name that you 
 gave me before : that, if I recollect, was either 
 Sypthorpe, or Sybthorpe. 
 
 T. Wild. You are right, Sir : that is his pa- 
 ternal appellation j but the name of Hopkins he 
 took for an eftate of his mother's : fo he is indif- 
 ciiminately called Hopkins or Sybthorpe; and 
 now I recoiled I have his letter in my pocket- 
 he figns himfelf Sybthorpe Hopkins. 
 
 O. Wild. There is no end of this : I mud flop 
 him at once. Harkye, Sir, I think you are call'd 
 my fon. 
 
 T. Wild. I hope, Sir, you have no reafon to 
 doubt it- 
 
 O. Wad,
 
 2 THE L Y A R. 
 
 O. Wild. And look upon yourfelf as a gentle- 
 man? 
 
 T. Wild. In having the honour of defcending 
 from you. 
 
 O. Wild. And that you think a fufficieut prc- 
 tcnfion ? 
 
 T. Wild. Sir pray, Sir 
 
 O. Wild. And by what means do you imagine 
 your anceftors obtained that diftinguifhing title ? 
 By their pre-eminence in virtue, I iuppofe. 
 
 Y. Wild. Doubtlefs, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. And has it never occurr'd to you, that 
 what was gain'd by honour might be loft by in- 
 famy? 
 
 T, Wild. Perfectly, Sir. 
 
 O. W.ild. Are you to learn what redrefs even 
 the imputation of a lye demands, and that no- 
 thing lefs than the life of the adverfary can extin- 
 guifh the affront. 
 
 T. Wild. Doubtlefs, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. Then how dare yon call yourfelf a 
 gentleman ? you, whofe whole life has been one 
 continued fcene of fraud and falfity ! And 
 would nothing content you but making me a 
 partner in your infamy ? not fatisfied with viola- 
 ting the great band of fociety, mutual confidence, 
 the mod facred rights of nature muft be invaded, 
 and your father made the innocent inftrument to 
 circulate your abominable impofitions ! 
 
 Y. Wild. But, Sir! 
 
 O. Wild. Within this hour my life was near 
 facrific'd in defence of your fame: but perhaps 
 thatvvas your intention, and the ftory of your 
 marriage merely calculated to fend me out of the 
 world, as a grateful return for my bringing you 
 into it. 
 
 Y. Wild.
 
 T H E L Y A R. 63 
 
 T. Wild. For heaven s fake, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. What other motive ? 
 
 'T. Wild. Hear me, I intreat you, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. To be again impos'd on ! no. Jack, 
 my eyes are open'd at laft. 
 
 T. Wild. By all that's facred, Sir 
 
 O. Wild. lam now deaf to your delufions. 
 
 T. Wild. But hear me, Sir, I own the Abing- 
 ton bufinefs 
 
 O. Wild. Anabfolutefiflion ? 
 
 T. Wild. I do. 
 
 O. Wild. And how dare you 
 
 T. Wild. I crave but a moment's audience. 
 
 O. Wild. Go on. 
 
 T. Wild. Previous to the communication of 
 your intention for me, I accidently met with a 
 lady whofe charms 
 
 0. Wild. So! what here is another. marriage 
 trumped out: but that is a dale device. And 
 pray, Sir, what place does this lady inhabit ? 
 Come, come, go on j you have a fertile invention, 
 and this is a fine opportunity. Well, Sir, and 
 this charming lady, refiding, I fuppofc, 4 in Nubi- 
 bus 
 
 T. Wild. No, Sir ; in London. 
 
 O, Wild. Indeed. 
 
 T. Wild. Nay, more, and at this inftant in 
 this houfe. 
 
 O. Wild. And her name 
 
 T. Wild. Godfrey, 
 
 O. Wild. The friend of Mifs Gran tarn ? 
 
 T. The very fame, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. Have you fpoke to her ? 
 
 T. Wild. Parted from her not ten minutes ago, 
 nay, am here by her appointment. 
 
 P. Wild. Has (he favour'd your addrefs ? 
 
 T. Wild. Time, Sir, and your approbation, 
 will, I hope. 
 
 0. mid*
 
 64 THE L Y A R. 
 
 O. Wild. Lookye, Sir ; as there is fome little 
 probability in this ftory, I fhall think it worth 
 jarther enquiry. To be plain with you, I know 
 Mifs Godfrey ; ann intimate with her family , and 
 though you deferve butlittle from me, I will en- 
 deavour to aid your intention. But if in the pro- 
 grefs of this Affair, you practife any of your ufual 
 arts ; if I difcover the Leaft fallhood, the leaft du- 
 plicity, remember you have loft a father. 
 
 T. Wild. I fhall iubmit without a murmur. 
 
 [Exit Old Wilding. 
 Enter PAPILLXON. 
 
 T. Wild. Well, Papillion. 
 
 Pap. Sir, here has been the devil to pay within. 
 
 T. Wild. W T hat's the matter ? 
 
 Pap. A whole legion of cooks, confectioners, 
 muficians, waiters, and watermen. 
 
 T, Wild. What do they want ? 
 
 Pap. You, Sir. 
 
 T. Wild. Me ! 
 
 Pap. Yes, Sir ; they hzyve brought in their 
 bills. 
 
 T. Wild. Bills ! for what ? 
 
 Pap. For the entertainment you gave laft night 
 upon the water. 
 
 T. Wild. That I gave! 
 
 Pap. Yes, Sir; you remember the bill of fare : 
 I am fure the very mention of it makes my mouch 
 water 
 
 T. Wild. Prithee are you mad ? There muft be 
 fome miltake j you know that I 
 
 Pap. They have been vaftly puzzled to find 
 out your lodgings : but Mr. Robinfon meeting 
 by accident with Sir James Elliot, he was kind 
 enough to tell him where you liv'd. Here are the 
 bills : Almack's, twelve dozen of claret, ditto 
 
 Champagne,
 
 T H E L Y A R. 65 
 
 Champagne, Frontiniac, fweatmeats, pine-ap- 
 ples : the whole amount is 372!. 95. befides 
 mufic and fireworks. 
 
 T. Wild. Come, Sir, this is no time for trifling. 
 Pap. Nay, Sir, they fay they have gone full 
 as low as they can afford ; and they were in hopes, 
 from the great fatisfaction you exprefs'd to Sir 
 James Elliot, that you would throw them in an 
 additional compliment. 
 
 T. Wild. Harkye, Mr. Papillion, if you don't 
 ceafe your impertinence, I fhall pay you a com- 
 pliment that you would gladly excufe. 
 
 Pap. Upon my faith 1 relate but the mere 
 matter of fa<5t. You know, Sir, I am but bad at 
 invention j tho' this incident 1 can't help think- 
 ing is the natural fruit of your happy one. 
 
 T. Wild. But are you ferious ? is this pofiible ? 
 
 Pap. Moft certain. It was with difficulty I 
 
 reftrain'd their impatience ; but however I have 
 
 difpatch'd them to your lodgings, with a promife 
 
 that you fhall immediately meet them. 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, there we (hall foon rid our hands 
 of the troop. Now, Papillion, I have news for 
 you. My father has got to the bottom of the 
 whole Abington bufinefs. 
 Pap. The deuce ! 
 
 T. Wild. We parted this moment. Such a 
 fcene ! 
 
 Pap. And what was the iffue ? 
 T. Wild. Happy beyond my hopes. Not 
 only an ad of oblivion, but a promife to plead my 
 caufe with the fair. * 
 
 Pap. With Mifs Godfrey ? 
 T. Wild. Who elle ? He is now with her in 
 another reom. 
 
 Pap. And there is no you underftand me 
 in all this ? 
 
 I T. Wild.
 
 65 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 v 
 T. Wild. No, no ; that is all over now nv 
 
 reformation is fix'd. 
 
 Pap As a weather-cock. 
 
 T. #W. Here comes my father. 
 
 Enter OLD WILDING. 
 
 O. Wild. Well, Sir, I find in this laft article 
 you have condescended to tell me the truth : the 
 young lady is not averfe to your union -, but in 
 order to fix fo mutable a mind, I have drawn up 
 a flight contract, which you are both to fign. 
 
 T. Wild. Withtranfporr. 
 
 O. Wild. I will introduce Mifs Godfrey. [#//. 
 
 T. Witt. ,Did rfpt 1 tell you, Papillion ? 
 
 Pap. TVis is amazing, indeed. 
 
 T. : Wild. Am not I a happy fortunate ? But 
 tfeey come, 
 
 ' Enter OLD WILDING, tf/M/* GODFREY. 
 
 O. Wild. If, Madam, rre h&s not the higheft 
 fenfe of the great honour <you do him, I fhall 
 ceafe co regard" him. -- There, Sir, make your 
 own acknowledgments to that lady. 
 . r. Wild. Sir ! * 
 
 O. Wild. This is more^thati you merit j but 
 let your future behaviour teftify your gratitude. 
 
 r. Wild, Papillion !. ".Madam ! Sirl 
 
 O. Wild. What is the puppy petrified ! Why 
 don't you go up to the lady ? 
 
 Y. Wild, L'p to the lady ! That lady ! 
 ", 0. Wild. That lady ! To be fure. What 
 Other lady ? To Mifs Godfrey ! 
 
 T. Wild. That lady Mifs Godfrey ! 
 
 O. Wild.. What is all this ? -Harkye, Sir: I 
 fee what you are at: but no trifling ; I'll be no 
 more the dupe of your double detectable Re- 
 
 coiled
 
 T H E L Y A R. 67 
 
 colleft my laft refolution t thisinftant your hand 
 to the contraft, or tremble at the confequence. 
 
 2\ Wild. Sir, that I hope ismight not I 
 -to be fure 
 
 O. Wild. No further evafions ! There, Sin 
 
 T. Wild. Heigh ho. [Signs it. 
 
 O. Wild. Very well. Now, Madam, your 
 name if you pleafe, 
 
 T. Wild. Papillion, do you know, who fhe is ? 
 
 Pap. That's a queftion indeed ! Don't you, Sir ? 
 
 r. Wild. Not J, as I hope to be fav'd. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Serv. A young lady begs to fpeak with Mr* 
 Wilding. 
 ' ST. Wild. With me ! 
 
 M. God. A young lady with Mr, Wilding! 
 
 Serv. Seems diftrefs'd, Madam, and extremely 
 prefling for admittance. 
 
 M. God. Indeed ! There may be fomething in 
 this ! You mu ft permit me, Sir, to paufe a little J 
 who knows but a prior claim may prevent 
 
 O. Wild How, Sir, who is this lady ? 
 
 T. Wild. It is impofiible for me to divine, Sir* 
 
 O. Wild. You know nothing of her ? 
 
 T. Wild. How Ihould I ? 
 
 O. Wild. You hear Madam. 
 
 M. God. I prefume your fort can h0ve no ob- 
 je&ion to the lady's appearance. 
 
 T. Wild. Not in the leaft, Madam, 
 
 M. God. Shew her in, John. [#// 
 
 O. Wild. No, Madam, I do'nt think there is 
 the leaft room for fufpedling him : he can't be fo 
 
 abandon'd as to But Ihe is here. Upon my 
 
 word A lightly woman.. 
 
 I 2 Enter
 
 68 THE L Y A R. 
 
 Enter KITTY as Mifs Sybthorpc. 
 
 Kitty. Where is he? Oh, let me throw my 
 arms my life my 
 
 r. mid. Heyday ! 
 
 Kitty. And could you leave me ? and for fo 
 long a fpace ? Think how the tedious time has 
 lagg'd along. 
 
 T. mid. Madam ! 
 
 Kitty. But we are met at laft, and now we will 
 part no more. 
 
 T. Wild. The deuce we won't I 
 
 Kitty. What, not one kind look, no tender 
 word to hail our fecond meeting ! 
 
 r. mid. What the devil is all this ; 
 
 Kitty. Are all your oaths, your proteftations, 
 come to this ? have I deferv'd fuch treatment ? 
 Quitted my father's houfe, left all my friends, 
 and wander'd here alone in fearch of thce, thou 
 firft, Uft, only objeft of my love. 
 
 O. mid. To what can all this tend ? Harkye, 
 Sir, unriddle thismyftery. 
 
 T. WiU. Davus, non'CEdipus fum. It is be- 
 yond me, 1 confefs. Some lunatic efcap'd from 
 her keeper, I fuppofe. 
 
 Kitty. Am I difown'd then, contemn'd, 
 flighted ? 
 
 O. Wild. Hold ; let me enquire into this 
 
 matter a little. Pray, Madam You feem to be 
 
 pretty familiar here Do you know this gen- 
 tleman ? 
 
 Kitty. Too well. 
 
 O. Wild. His name? 
 
 Kitty. Wilding. 
 
 O. Wild t So far flie is right. Now yours, if you 
 pleafe; 
 t Kitty. Wilding, 
 
 Omnes
 
 T H E . L Y A R. 69 
 
 Omncs. Wilding ! s 
 
 0. Wild. And how came you by that name pray ? 
 
 Kitty. Mod lawfully, Sir: By.thefacred band, 
 the holy tie that made us one. 
 
 O. Wild, What, marry 'd to him ! 
 
 Kitty. Moft true. 
 
 Qnwes. How ! 
 
 T. Wild. Sir, may I never 
 
 O. Wild. Peace, Monfter ! One queftion 
 
 more : Your maiden name ? 
 
 Kitty. Sybthorpe. 
 
 O. Wild. Lydia, from Abington, in the county 
 of Berks? 
 
 Kitty. The fame. 
 
 O. Wild. As I fufpefted. So then the whole 
 ftory is true, and the monfter is marry 'd at laft. 
 
 T. Wild. Me, Sir ! By all that's 
 
 O. Wili. Eternal dumbncfs feize the, mea- 
 fureleis lyar ! 
 
 T. Wild. If not me, hear this gentleman-- 
 Marquis 
 
 Pap. Not I ; I'll be drawn into none of your 
 fcrapes : it is a pit of your own digging, and fo 
 get out as well as you can. Mean time I'll fhift 
 for myfelf. [Exit. 
 
 O. Wild. What evafion now, Monfter? 
 
 M. God. Deceiver ! 
 
 O. Wild. Lyar ! 
 
 M. God. Impoftor ! 
 
 T. Wild. Why, this is a general combinaiion 
 to diftract me'; but! will be heard. Sir, you are 
 grofiy impos'd upon : the low contriver of this 
 woman's (hallow artifice I fhall foon find means to 
 difcover : and as to you, Madam, with whom I 
 have been fuddenly furpriz'd into a contract, I 
 moft folemnly declare this is the firft time I ever 
 fat eyes on vou, 
 
 o. mid-
 
 ?o THE L Y A R. 
 
 0. Wild. Amazing confidence ! Did not 
 bring her at your requeft ? 
 
 T. Wild. No. 
 
 M. God. Is not this your own letter ? 
 
 T. Wild. No. 
 
 Kitty. Am not I your wife ? 
 
 T. Wild. No. 
 
 O, Wild. Did not you own it to me ? 
 
 Y. Wild. Yes that is no, no. 
 
 Kitty. Hear me. 
 
 Y. Wild. No. 
 
 M. Cod. Anfwer me. 
 
 T. Wild. No. 
 
 O. Wild. Have not I 
 
 Y. Wild. No, no, no. Zounds you are all mad, 
 and if I ftay I fliall catch the infection. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT and Mifs GRANTAM. 
 
 Omnes. Ha! ha, ! ha ! 
 
 M. Gr. Finely perform'd. 
 
 0. Wild. You have kept your promife, and I 
 thank you, Madam. 
 
 M. Gr. My medicine was fomewhat rough, Sir j 
 but in defperate cafes, you know 
 
 O. Wild. If his cure is compleated, he will 
 gratefully acknowledge the caufe ; if not, the 
 punifhment comes far fhort of his crimes. It is 
 aeedlefs to pay you any compliments, Sir James; 
 with that Lady you can'c fail to be happy. I 
 flian't venture to hint a icheme I have greatly at 
 heat, till we have undeniable proofs of the fuc- 
 cefs of our operations. To the ladies, indeed, no 
 chara&er is fo dangerous as that of a lyar. 
 
 *. They in the faireft fames can fix a flaw, 
 And vanquish females whow they never faw. 
 
 E P 1-
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 Between Mifs GRANTAM and OLD WILDING. 
 
 By a Man of Fafhion. 
 
 M. Gr.TTO L D, 5/r. 
 
 ** Our plot concluded^ and flrlft jujlice done 9 
 Let me be heard as council for your fan. 5 
 
 Acquit leant, I mean to mitigate ; 
 
 Prefer ibe all lying, what would be the fait J 
 
 Of this and every other earthly ft ate ? 
 Conjider^ Sir, if once you cry it down^ 
 You'lljbut up eii'ry cojfee-houfe in town : 
 The tribe of politicians will want food : 
 Evn now half f ami ft) d~- -for the public good. 
 Ml Grub-Jireet murderers of men andfenfe y 
 And every Office of intelligence, 
 All would be Bankrupts, the whole lying race y 
 And no Gazette to publijh their difgrace. 
 
 O. Wild. Too mild a fentence, mujl the good and great 
 Patriots be wronged, that bsokfellers may eat ? 
 
 M. Gr. Tour patience, Sir : yet bear another word. 
 Turn to the hall where ju/iice weilds herfword: 
 Think in what narrow limits you would dr aw t 
 By this Profription, all the forts of law : 
 For 'tis the fix V, deter mind rule of courts, 
 Vyner will tell you, nay, ev"n Coke's Reports, 
 All pleaders may, when difficulties rife, 
 TO gain one truth, expend a hundred lyes. 
 
 O. Wild. To curb this practice I am fomewhat loath: 
 A. lawyer has no credit but an oath. 
 
 M. Gr.
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 M. Gr. fhtn to the fofterfex fome favour Jhew : 
 Leave no poffejjion of our modffl No / 
 
 O. Wild. Ob, freely Ma'am w? II that allowance give, 
 So that two Noes be held affirmative. 
 Provided ever that your pijh and fie 9 
 On all occajions Jbould le deem'd a lye. 
 
 M. Gr. Hard terms ! 
 On this rejoinder then I'rejl my csufe : 
 Should all pay homage to Truth's Jacred laws y 
 Let us examine what would be the cafe : 
 Why many a great man would be out of place. 
 
 O. Wild. 'Tw ould ma ny a virtuous charaffer rejlore* 
 
 M. Gr. But take a character from many more. 
 
 O. Wild. ?ho y on the fide of bad the balance fall t 
 Better to find few good than fear fcr all. 
 
 M. Gr. Strong are your re::ftts : \et } ere Ifubmit, 
 1 mean to take the voices of the pit. 
 Js it your pleafurei that we make a rule y 
 Jihai ev'ry far be proclaim d afool, 
 Fit fuljefts for our autbar'i riditult ? 
 
 FINIS;
 
 THE 
 
 PATRON 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY 
 
 IN THREE ACTS; 
 
 rlRFORMID AT THK 
 
 THEATRE IN THE HAY-MARKET; 
 
 WRITTIH BY 
 
 - 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, Ef q . 
 
 A NEW EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR W. LOWNDES, No. 76, FLEET STREET. 
 1 794- 
 
 Price One Shilling and Sixpence,
 
 \ 
 

 
 TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 GRANVILLE LEVESON GOWER, 
 
 EARL GOWER, 
 
 Lord Chamberlain of his Majefty's Houfliold. 
 MY LORD, 
 
 THE following little Comedy, founded on a 
 ftory of M. Marmontell's, and calculated to ex- 
 pofe the frivolity and ignorance of the pre- 
 tenders to learning, with the infolence and vanity 
 of their fuperficial, illiberal protectors, can be 
 addrefled to no nobleman with more propriety 
 than to Lord Gower; whofe judgment, though 
 elegant, is void of affeclation ; and whofe pa- 
 tronage, though powerful, is deftitute of all fa- 
 ftidious parade. It is with pleafure, my Lord, 
 that the Public fees your Lor^fhip placed at the 
 head of that department which is to decide,,' 
 A 2 without
 
 IV DEDICATION. 
 
 without appeal, on the moft popular domain in 
 the whole republic of letters ; a fpot that has 
 always been diftinguifhed with affection, and 
 cultivated with care, by every ruler the lead at- 
 tentive to either chaftifing the morals, polifhing 
 the manners, or, what is of equal importance, 
 rationally amufing the leifure of the people. 
 
 The Patron, my Lord, who now begs .your 
 protection, has had the good fortune to be well 
 received by the public; and, indeed, of all the 
 pieces that I have had the honour to offer them, 
 this feems to me to have the faireft claim to 
 their favour. 
 
 But the play, ftripp'd of thofe theatrical orna- 
 ments for which it is indebted to your Lord- 
 fhip's indulgence, muft now plead it's own caufe; 
 nor will I, my Lord, with an affected humility, 
 echo the trite, coarfe, though claffical compli- 
 ment, of Optimus patronus, peflimus poet a: for if 
 this be really true of the laft, the firft can have 
 but fmall pretenfions to praife ; patronizing bad 
 poets being, in my poor opinion, full as per- 
 nicious to the progrefs of letters, as neglecting 
 the good. 
 
 In humble hopes, then, my Lord, of not 
 being thought the meanefl in the Mufes train, I 
 have taken the liberty to prefix your name to 
 this dedication, and publicly to acknowledge 
 my obligations to your Lordfliip; which, let me 
 boaft top, I have had the happinefs to receive, 
 untainted by the infolence of domeftics, the de-
 
 DEDICATION. V 
 
 lays of office, or the chilling fuperiority of rank; ' 
 mortifications which have been too often ex- 
 perienced by much greater writers than myfelf, 
 from much lefs men than your Lordmip. 
 
 My Lord, I have the honour to be, with the 
 greateft refpedl and gratitude, 
 
 YourLordfhip's moft obliged, 
 and moft devoted, 
 humble fervant., 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE. 
 
 A 3 Dramatis
 
 Dramatis Perjoncz. 
 
 Sir THOMAS LOFTY, 
 
 f,. ~ ,-.-/. Foote. 
 Sir PETER PEPPERPOT,. 
 
 DICK BEVER, Mr. Death. 
 
 FRAN K YOUNGER, Mr. Davis 
 
 Sir ROGER DOWLAS, Mr. Palmer. 
 
 Mr. RUST, Mr. Wejlon. 
 
 Mr. DACTYL, Mr. Granger. 
 
 Mr. PUFF, Mr. Hayes. 
 
 Mr. STAYTAPE, Mr. Brown. 
 
 ROBIN, Mr. Parfons. 
 
 JOHN, Mr Lewis. 
 Two Blacks. 
 
 Mifs JULIET, Mrs. Granger.
 
 THE 
 
 PATRON. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE THE STREET. 
 
 Enter Bever and Younger. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 No, Dick, you muft pardon me. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Nay, but to fatisfy your curiofity. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 I tell you, I have not a jot. 
 BEVER. 
 Why then to gratify me. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 At rather too great an expence. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 To a fellow of your obfervation and turn, I 
 mould think, now, fuch a fcene a moft delicate 
 
 treat. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Delicate ! Palling, naufeous, to a dreadful de- 
 gree. To a lover, indeed,- the charms of the 
 niece may palliate the uncle's fulfome formality. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 The uncle ! ay, but then you know he is only 
 one of the group. 
 
 A 4 YOUNGER.
 
 THE PATRON. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 That's true; but the figures are all finifti'd a- 
 -a maniere, a tirefome famenefs throughout. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 There you will excufe me j I am fure there is 
 no want of variety. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 No! then let us have a detail. Come, Dick, 
 give us a bill of the play. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Firft, you know, there's Juliet's uncle. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 What. Sir Thomas Lofty ! the modern Midas, 
 or rather (as fifty dedications will tell you) the 
 Pollio, the Atticus, the patron of genius, the 
 protector of arts, the paragon of poets, decider 
 on merit, chief juftice of tafte, and fvvorn ap- 
 praifer to Apollo and the tuneful Nine. Ha, 
 ha. Oh, the tedious, infipid, infufferable cox- 
 comb! 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Nay, now, Frank, you are too extravagant. 
 He is univerfally allow 'd to have tafte ; {harp- 
 judging Adriel, and the mule's friend, himfelf 
 a mufe. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Tafte! by who? underling bards, that he feeds; 
 and broken bookfellers, that he bribes. Look 
 ye, Dick, what raptures you pleafe, when Mifs 
 Lofty is your theme ; but expect no quarter for 
 the reft of the family. I tell thee, once for all, 
 Lofty is a rank impoftor, the bufo of an illiberal, 
 mercenary tribe; he has neither genius to create, 
 judgment to diftinguifh, or generofity to reward ; 
 his wealth has gain'd him flattery from the in- 
 digent
 
 THE PATRON. 9 
 
 digent, and the haughty infolence of his pre- 
 tence, admiration from the ignorant. Voila It 
 portrait de votre ancle. Now on to the next. 
 
 BEVER. 
 The ingenious and erudite Mr. Ruft. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 What, old Martin, the medal-monger ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 The fame, and my rival in Juliet. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Rival ! what, Ruft ? why {he's too modern for 
 him by a couple of centuries. Martin ! why he 
 likes no heads but upon coins. Married ! the 
 mummy ! Why 'tis not above a fortnight ago 
 that I faw him making love to the figure with- 
 out a nofe in Somerfet-Gardens : I caught him 
 flroaking the marble plaits of her gown, and 
 a(ked him if he was not amamed to take fuch 
 liberties with ladies in public. 
 
 BEVER. 
 What an inconftant old fcoundrel it is ! 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Oh, a Dorimant. But how came this about? 
 what could occaiion the change? was it in the 
 power of flefh and blood to feduce this adorer of 
 virtu from his marble and porphyry? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Juliet has done it; and, what will furprize you, 
 his tafte was a bawd to the bufinefs. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 Pr'ythee explain. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Julk t met him laft week at her uncle's : he was 
 a little pleafcd with the Greek of her profile; but, 
 
 on
 
 tO THE PATRON. 
 
 on a clofer enquiry, he found the turn-up of her 
 nofe to exadtly jefemble the buft of the princefs 
 Popaea. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 The ehafte moiety of the amiable Nero. 
 
 BEVER. 
 The fame. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Oh, the deuce i then your bufinefs was done in 
 an inftant. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Immediately. In favour of the tip, he offer- 
 ed carte blancbe for the reft of the figure, which 
 (as you may fuppofe) was inftantly caught at. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 Doubtlefs. But who have we here? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 ' This is one of Lofty's companions, a Weft- 
 Indian of an over-grown fortune. He faves me 
 the trouble of a portrait. This is Sir Peter 
 Pepperpot. 
 
 Enter Sir Peter Pepperpot and two blacks. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Carelefs fcoundrels ! harkee, rafcals ! I'll ba- 
 nifh you home, you dogs ! you fliall back, and 
 broil in the fun. Mr. Bever, your humble; Sir, 
 I am your entirely devoted. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 You feem moved ; what has been the matter, 
 Sir Peter? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Matter ! why, I am invited to dinner on a bar- 
 bicu, and the villains have forgot my bottle of 
 cayenne. 
 
 YOUNGER.
 
 THE PATRON. II 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Unpardonable. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 Ay, this country has fpoil'd them ; this fame 
 
 chriftening will ruin the colonies. Well, dear 
 
 Sever, rare news, boy ; our fleet is arrived from 
 the Weft. 
 
 BEVER. 
 It is? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Ay, lad; and a glorious cargo of turrle. It 
 was lucky I went to Brighthelmftone; I nick- 
 ed the time to a hair; thin as a lath, and 
 a ftomach as fharp as a mark's: never was in 
 finer condition for feeding. 
 BEVER. 
 Have you a large importation, Sir Peter ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Nine ; but feven in excellent order : the cap- 
 tain affures me they greatly gain'd ground on the 
 voyage. 
 
 BEVER. 
 How doyoudifpofeof them? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Four to Cornhill, three to Almack's, and the 
 two fickly ones I mall fend to my borough in 
 Yorkfhire. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Ay! what, have the provincials a relifh for 
 turtle ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Sir, it is amazing how this country improves in 
 turtle and turnpikes j to which (gives me leave 
 to fay) we, from our part of the world, have not 
 a little contributed. Why, formerly, Sir, a brace 
 of bucks on the mayor's annual day was thought 
 a pretty moderate bleifing. But we, Sir, have 
 
 polim'd
 
 12 THE PATRON. 
 
 their palates. Why, Sir, not the meaneft mem- 
 ber of my corporation but can diftinguifh the 
 pam from the pee. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 Indeed ! 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Ay, and fever the green from the (hell with 
 the (kill of the ableft anatomift. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 And they are fond of it ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Oh, that the confumption will tell you. The 
 (rated allowance is fix pounds to an alderman, and 
 five to each of their wives. 
 
 BEVER. 
 A plentiful provifion. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 But there was never known any wafte: the 
 mayor, recorder, and rector, are permitted to eat 
 as much as they pleafe. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 The entertainment is pretty expenfive. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Land-carriage and all. But I contrived to 
 fmuggle the lad that I fent them. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Smuggle ! I don't underftand you. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Why, Sir, the rafcally coachman had always 
 charged, me five pounds for the carriage. 
 Damn'd dear! Now my cook going at the 
 fame time into the country, I made him clap a 
 capuchin upon the turtle, and for thirty (hillings 
 put him an infide paffenger in the Doncafter Fly. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 A happy expedient. 
 
 BEVER.
 
 THE PATRON. 1J 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 Oh, Sir Peter has infinite humour. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Yes, but the fi click had like to have prayed 
 fatal. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 How fo? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 The maid at the Rummer^ at Hatfield, popp'd 
 her head into the coach, to kno'w if the company 
 would have any breakfaft : Ecod, the turtle, Sir, 
 laid hold of her nofe, and flapp'd her face with his 
 iins till the poor devil fell into a fit. Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Oh, an abfolute Rabelais. 
 BEVER. 
 
 What, I reckon. Sir Peter, you are going to 
 the Square ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Yes; I extremely admire Sir Thomas. You 
 know this is his day of affembly; I fuppofe you 
 will be there: I can tell you, you are a wonderful 
 favourite. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Ami? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 He fays, your natural genius is fine; and when 
 polifh'd by his cultivation, will furprize and 
 aftonifh the world. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 I hope, Sir, I mall have your voice with the 
 public. 
 
 Sir PETER, 
 Mine ! O fie, Mr. Bever. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Come, come, you are no inconfiderable patron. 
 
 Sir PETER.
 
 14 THE PATRON. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 He, he, he. Can't fay but I love to encourage 
 the arts. 
 
 BEVER. 
 And have contributed largely yourfelf. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 What, is Sir Peter an author? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 O fie ! what me ? a mere dabbler ; have blotted 
 my fingers, 'tis true: fome fonnets, that have 
 not been thought wanting in fait. 
 
 BEVER. 
 And your epigrams. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 Not entirely without point. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 But come, Sir Peter, the love of 'the arts is not 
 the fole caufe of your vifits to the houfe you are 
 going to. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 J don't underfiand you. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Mifs Juliet, the niece. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Ofie! what chance have I there? Indeed, if 
 Lady Pepperpot mould happen to pop off 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 I don't know that. You are, Sir Peter, a dan- 
 gerous man; and, were I a father, or uncle, I 
 mould not be a little my of your vifits. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 Pfha ! dear Bever, you banter. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 And (unlefs I am extremely out in my guefs) 
 that lady 
 
 Sir PETER.
 
 THE PATRON. T 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Hey! what, what, dearBever? 
 
 BEVER. 
 But if you (hould betray me 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 May I never eat a bit of green fat, if I do ! 
 
 BEVER. 
 Hints have been dropp'd. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 The devil ! come a little this way. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Well made ; not robuft and gigantic, 'tis true, 
 but extremely genteel. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 Indeed ! 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Features, not entirely regular ; but mark' ing, 
 with an air now, fuperior; greatly above the 
 you uhderftand me ? 
 
 Sir PETFR. 
 
 Perfectly. Something noble; expreflive of 
 fa {hi on. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Right. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 Yes, I have been frequently told fo. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Not an abfolute wit ; but fomething infinitely 
 better: an enjoncmen? t a fpirit, a 
 
 ' Si,- PETER. 
 Gaiety. I was .ever fo, from a child. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 In fhort, your drefs, addrefs, with a thoufand 
 other particulars that at prefent I can't recollect. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Why, dear Bever, to tell thee the truth, I have 
 always admired Mifs Juliet, and a delicate 
 
 creature
 
 l6 THE PATRON. 
 
 creature fhe is : fweet as a fugar-cane, ftrart as a 
 bamboo, and her teeth as white as a negro's. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Poetic, but true. Now only conceive, Sir 
 Peter, fuch a plantation of perfections to be de- 
 voured by that caterpillar Ruft. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 A liquorim grub! Are pine-apples for fuch 
 muckworms as he? I'll fend him a jar- of 
 citrons and ginger, and poifon the pipkin. 
 
 BEVER. 
 t No, no. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Or invite him to dinner, and mix rat's-bane 
 along with his curry. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Not fo precipitate; I think we may defeat him 
 without any danger. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 How, how ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 I have a thought but we muft fettle the plan 
 with the lady. Could not you give her the hint, 
 that I mould be glad to fee her a moment. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 I'll do it diredUy. 
 
 BEVER. 
 But don't let Sir Thomas perceive you. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 Never fear. You'll follow ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 The inftant I have fettled matters with her; 
 but fix the .old fellow fo that me may not be 
 mifs'd. 
 
 Sir PETER.
 
 THE PATRON. \*} 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 I'll nail him, I warrant; I have his opinion 
 to beg on this manufcript. . 
 
 BEVER. 
 Your own ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 No. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Oh ho! what fomething new from the doctor, 
 your chaplain ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 He ! no, no. O Lord, he's eloped. 
 
 BEVER. 
 How? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Gone. You know he was to dedicate his vo- 
 lume\ of fables to me: fo I gave him thirty 
 pounds to get my arms engraved, to prefix (by 
 way of print) to the frontifpiece ; and, O grief of 
 griefs ! the doctor has moved off with the money. 
 I'll fend you Mifs Juliet. [Exit. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 There, now, is a fpecial protector! The arts, I 
 think, can't but flourim under fuch a Mecaenas. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 Heaven vifits with a tafte the wealthy fool. 
 
 BEVER. 
 True; but then, to juftify the difpenfation, 
 
 From heftce the poor are cloarh'd, trie-hungry fed. 
 Fortunes to bookfellers, to authors bread. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 The diftribution is, I own, a little unequal: 
 and here comes a moft melancholy inftance; 
 poor Dick Dactyl, and his publifher Puff. 
 
 B Enter
 
 I 8 THE PATROL 
 
 Enter Daftyl and Puf. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Why, then, Mr. Dactyl, carry them to Tome- 
 body elfe ; there are people enough in the trade: 
 but I wonder you would meddle with poetry ; 
 you know it rarely pays for the paper. 
 DACTYL. 
 
 And how can one help it, Mr. Puff? Genius 
 impels, and when a man is once lifted in the fer- 
 vice of the Mufes 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Why let him give them warning as foon as he 
 can. A pretty fort of fervice, indeed ! where 
 there are neither wages nor vails. The Mufes ! 
 And what, I fuppofe, this is the livery they give. 
 Gadzooks, I had rather be a waiter at Ranelagh. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 The poet and publifher at variance ! What is 
 the matter, Mr. Dactyl ? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 As Gad mall judge me, Mr. Bever, as pretty a 
 poem, and fo polite ; not a mortal can take any 
 offence ; all full of panegyric and praife. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 A fine character he gives of his works. No 
 offence I the greateft in the world, Mr. Dactyl. 
 Panegyric and praife ! and what will that do with 
 the" public ? Why, who the devil will give 
 money to be told that Mr. Such-a-one is a wifer 
 or better man than himfelf? No, no; 'tis quite 
 and clean out of nature. A good fouling fatire, 
 now, well powder'd with perfonal pepper, and 
 feaibned with the fpirit of party ; that demolifhes 
 a confpicuous cha'rader, and finks him below 
 
 our
 
 THE PATRON. 19 
 
 our own level; there, there, we are pleafed; 
 there we chuckle, and grin, and tofs the half- 
 crowns on the counter. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Yes, and fo get cropp'd for a libel. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Cropp'd! ay, and the luckieft thing that can 
 happen to you. Why, I would not give two 
 pence for an author that is afraid of his ears. 
 Writing, writing is, (as I may fay,) Mr. Dactyl, 
 a fort of warfare, where none can be victor that 
 is the leaft afraid of a fear. Why, zooks, Sir, I 
 never got fait to my potridge till I mounted at 
 the Royal Exchange. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Indeed ! 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 No, no; that was the making of me. Then 
 my name made a noife in the world. Talk of 
 forked hills, and of Helicon! romantic and fa- 
 bulous fluff. The true Caftalian ftream is a 
 mower of eggs, and a pillory the poet's Par- 
 naffus. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Ay, to you indeed it may anfwer; but what do 
 we get for our pains? 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Why, what the deuce would you get? food, 
 fire, and fame. Why you would not grow fat ! 
 a corpulent poet is a monfter, a prodigy ! No, 
 no ; fpare diet is a fpur to the fancy; high feed- 
 ing would but founder your Pegafus. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Why, you impudent, illiterate rafcal ! who is 
 it you dare treat in this manner ? 
 
 B i PUFF.
 
 20 THE PATROK. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Heyday I what is the matter now? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 And is this the return for all the obligations 
 you owe me? But no matter ? the world, the 
 world mall know what you are, and how you 
 have iifed me. 
 
 PUFF. 
 Do your worftj I defpife you. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 They ihall be told from what a dunghill you 
 fprang. Gentlemen, if there be faith in a finner, 
 that fellow owes every milling to me. 
 
 PUFF. 
 Tothee! 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Ay, Sirrah, to me. In what kind of way did 
 I find you ? then where and what was your ftate ? 
 Gentlemen, his (hop was a Ihed in Moorfields ; 
 his kitchen a broken pipkin of charcoal ; and 
 his bed-chamber, under the counter. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 I never was fond of expence; I ever minded 
 my trade. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Your trade ! and pray with what (lock did 
 you trade ? I can give you the catalogue ; I be- 
 lieve it won't overburthen my memory. Two 
 odd volumes of Swift; the Life of Molt Flanders, 
 with cuts ; the Five Senfes, printed and coloured 
 by Overton; a few daffies, thumb'd and blotted 
 by the boys of the Charterhoufe; with the Trial 
 of Dr. Sacheverel. 
 
 PUFF. 
 Malice! 
 
 DACTYL.
 
 THE PATRON. 2 I 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Then, Sirrah, I gave you my Canning : it was 
 fhe firft fet you afloar. 
 
 PUFF. 
 A grub. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 And it is not only my writings : you know, 
 Sirrah, what you owe to my phyfic. 
 
 BEVER. 
 How! a phyfician? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Yes, Mr. Bever; phyfic and poetry. Apollo 
 is the patron of both: Opiferque per orbem dicor. 
 
 PUFF. 
 His phyfic ! 
 
 DACTYL, 
 
 My phyfic ! ay, my phyfic : why, dare you 
 deny it, you rafcal ! What, have you forgot my 
 powders for flatulent crudities? 
 
 PUFF, 
 No. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 My cofmetic lozenge, and fugar plumbs? 
 
 PUFF. 
 No. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 My coral for cutting of teeth, my potions* 
 my lotions, my pregnancy drops, with my pafte 
 for fuperfluous hairs ? 
 
 PUFF. 
 No, no; have you done? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 No, no, no; but I believe this will fuffice fo^ 
 for the prefent. 
 
 B 3 PUFF.
 
 22 THE PATRO*. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Now would not any mortal believe that lowed 
 my all to this fellow. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Why, indeed, Mr. Puff, the balance does feem 
 in his favour. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 In his favour ! why you don't give any credit 
 to him: a reptile, a bug, that owes his very being 
 to me. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 1,1, I! 
 
 PUFF, 
 
 You, you ! What, I fuppofe, you forget your 
 garret in Wine-office-court, when you furniflVd 
 paragraphs for the Farthing- poft at twelve-pence 
 a dozen. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Fiction. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Then, did not I get you made collector of ca- 
 fualties to the Whitehall and St. James's ? but 
 that port your lazinefs loft you. Gentlemen, he 
 never brought them, a robbery till the highwayman 
 was going to be hang'd ; a birth till the chriften- 
 ing was over; nor a death till the hatchment 
 was up. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Mighty well ! 
 
 PUFF, 
 
 And now, becaufe the fellow has got a little in 
 flefti, by being puff to the play-houie this winter, 
 (to which, by the bye, I got him appointed,) he 
 is as proud and as vain as Voltaire. But I (hall 
 foon have him. under; the vacation will come. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Let it. 
 
 PUFF.
 
 THE PATRON. 23 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Then I {hall have him freaking and cringing, 
 hanging about me, and begging a bit of tranfla- 
 tion. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 I beg, I, for tranflation ! 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 No, no, not a line; not if you would do it for 
 two-pence a fheet. No boil'd beef and carrot at 
 mornings; no more cold pudding and porter. 
 You may take your leave of my mop. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Your fhop ! then at parting I will leave you a 
 legacy., 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 O fie, Mr. Daftyl ! 
 
 PUFF. 
 Let him alone. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Pray, gentlemen, let me do myfelf juftice. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Younger, reftrain the publifher's fire. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Fie, gentlemen, fuch an illiberal combat it 
 is a fcandal to the republic of letters. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Mr. Daftyl, an old man, a mechanic, beneath 
 
 DACTYL, 
 
 Sir, I am calm ; that thought has reftored me. 
 To your infignificancy you are indebted forfafety. 
 But what my generofity has faved, my pen fhall 
 deftroy. 
 
 PUFF, 
 Then you muft get fomebody to mend it. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Adieu ! 
 
 B 4 PUFF -
 
 24 THE 'ATRON. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Farcwcl ! 
 
 [Dactyl and Puf exeunt federally. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Ha, ha, ha ! come, let us along to the fquare. 
 
 Blockheads with reafon wicked wits abhor, 
 But dunce with dunce is barb'rous civil war. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 END OF THE FIRST ACT. 
 
 ' 
 
 
 
 ACT
 
 THE PATRON. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE CONTINUES. 
 
 Enter Bever and Tounger. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 * OOR Dadlyl ! and dwells fuch mighty rage in 
 little men? I hope there is no danger of blood- 
 Ihed. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Oh, not in the lead : the gens valum, the nation 
 of poets, though an irritable, are yet a placable 
 people. Their mutual interefts will foon bring 
 them together again. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 But (hall not we be late? The critical fenate is 
 by this time aflembled. 
 
 BEVER. 
 I warrant you, frequent and full; where 
 
 Stately Bufo, puff'd by ev'ry quill, 
 Sits, like Apollo, on his forked hill. 
 
 But you know I mud wait for Mifs Lofty ; I am 
 now totally directed by her. She gives me the 
 key to all Sir Thomas's foibles, and prefcribes 
 the mod proper method to feed them ; but what 
 good purpofe that will produce 
 
 YOUNGER.
 
 2 6 THE PATRON* 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 Is.fhe clever, adroit ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Doubtlefs. I like your afking the queftion of 
 me. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Then pay an implicit obedience : the ladies, 
 in thefe cafes, generally know what they are about. 
 The door opens. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 It is Juliet, and with her old Ruft. Enter, 
 Frank : you know the knight, fo no intruduction 
 is wanted. [Exit Tounger.'j 1 fliould be glad to 
 hear this reverend piece of lumber make love ; 
 the courtfhip muft certainly be curious. Good- 
 manners, ftand by ; by your leave I will liften a 
 little. [Sever rctiresJ] 
 
 Enter Juliet and Ruft. 
 
 JULIET. 
 And your collection is large ? 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Moft curious and capital. When, Madam, 
 \vill you give me leave to add your charms to my 
 catalogue? 
 
 JULIET, 
 
 O dear ! Mr. Ruft, I (hall but difgrace it. 
 Befides, Sir, when I marry, I am refolv'd to have 
 my hufband all to myfelf : now, for the poffeflion 
 of your heart I fhall have too many competitors. 
 
 RUST, 
 
 How, Madam! were Prometheus alive, and 
 would animate the Helen that ftands in my hall, 
 fhe (hould not coft me a figh. 
 
 JULIET.
 
 THE PATRON. 27 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay, Sir, there lies my greateft misfortune. 
 Had I only thofe who are alive to contend with, 
 by afliduity, affection, cares, and carefles, I might 
 fecure my conqueft : though that would be diffi- 
 cult ; for I am convinced, were you, Mr. Ruft, 
 put up by Chriftie to auction, the Apollo Bel- 
 videre would not draw a greater number of 
 bidders. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Would that were the cafe, Madam, fo I might 
 be thought a proper companion to the Venus de 
 Medicis. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 The flower of rhetoric, and pink of politenefs. 
 But my fears are not confined to the living; for 
 every nation and age, even painters and ftatuaries, 
 confpire againft me. Nay, when the Pantheon 
 itfelf, the very goddefles rife up as my rivals, 
 what chance has a mortal like me. 1 (hall cer- 
 tainly laugh in his face. [Afide.] 
 
 RUST. 
 
 She is a delicate fubject. Goddefles, Ma- 
 dam ! zooks, had you been on Mount Ida when 
 Paris decided the conteft, the Cyprian queen had 
 pleaded for the pippin in vain. 
 
 JULIET. 
 Extravagant gallantry. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 In you, Madam, are concentered all the beauties 
 of the Heathen mythology : the open front of 
 Diana ; the luftre of Pallas's eyes, 
 
 JULIET.
 
 28 THE PATRON. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Oh, Sir! 
 
 RUST. 
 
 The chromatic mufic of Clio, the blooming 
 graces of Hebe, the empereal port of queen Juno, 
 with the delicate dimples of Venus. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 I fee, Sir, antiquity has not engrofs'd all your 
 attention: you are no novice in the nature of 
 women. Incenfe, I own, is grateful to moft of 
 my fex ; but there are times when adoration may 
 be difpenfed with. 
 
 RUST. 
 Ma'am ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 I fay, Sir, when we women willingly wave our 
 rank in the fkies, and wifh to be treated as 
 mortals. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Doubtlefs, Madam : and are you wanting in 
 materials for that ? No, Madam; as in dignity 
 you furpafs the Heathen divinities, fo in the 
 charms of attraction you beggar the queens of 
 the earth. The whole world, at different periods, 
 has contributed it's feveral beauties to form 
 
 you. 
 
 JULIET. 
 The deuce it has ! [Afide.'] 
 
 RUST. 
 
 See, there, the ripe Afiatic perfection, join'd to 
 the delicate foftnefs of Europe ! In you, Madam, 
 I burn to pofTefs Cleopatra's alluring glances, the 
 Greek profile of queen Clytemneftra, the Roman 
 nofe of the emprefs Popaea 
 
 JULIET.
 
 THE PATRON. 29 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 With the majeftic march of queen Befs. 
 Mercy on me, what a wonderful creature am 1 ! 
 
 RUST 
 
 In (hort, Madam, not a feature you have, but 
 recals to my mind fome trait in a medal or buft. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Indeed ! Why, by your account, I muft be an 
 abfolute olio, a perfect falamongundy of charms. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Oh, Madam, how can you demean, as I may 
 fay, undervalue 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Value! there is the thing; and to tell you the 
 truth, Mr. Ruft, in that word Value lies my 
 greateft objection. 
 
 RUST. 
 I don't underftand you. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Why then I will explain myfelf. It has been 
 faid, and I believe with fome (hadow of truth, 
 that no man is a hero to his valet de cbambre : 
 now, I am afraid, when you and I grow a little 
 more intimate, which I fuppofe muft be the cafe- 
 if you proceed on your plan, you will be horribly 
 difappointed in your high expectations, and foon 
 difcover this Juno, this Cleopatra, and princefs 
 Popaea, to be as arrant a mortal as madam your 
 mother. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Madam, I, I, I- 
 
 JULIET.
 
 3O THE PATRON. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Your patience a moment. Being therefore 
 delirous to preferve your devotion, 1 beg, for the 
 future, you would pleafe to adore at a diftance. 
 
 RUST. 
 To Endymion, Madam, Luna- once liftened. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay, but he was another kind of a mortal : you 
 may do very well as a votary ; but for a hufband 
 mercy upon me ! 
 
 RUST. 
 Madam, you are not in earned, notferious! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Not ferious! Why have you the impudence 
 to think of marrying a goddefs ? 
 
 RUST. 
 I mould hope 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 And what mould you hope? I find your devo- 
 tion refembles that of the world : when the 
 power of finning is over, and the fprightly firft- 
 runnings of life are rack'd off, you offer the vapid 
 dregs to your deity. No, no; you may, if you 
 pleafe, turn monk in my fervice. One vow, I 
 believe, you will obferve better than moft of 
 them, chaftity. . 
 
 RUST. 
 Permit me 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Or, if you muft marry, take your Julia, your 
 Portia, or Flora, your Fum-fam from China, or 
 your Egyptian Ofiris. You have long paid your 
 addreffcs to them. 
 
 RUST.
 
 THE PATRON. 3 I 
 
 RUST. 
 Marry ! what, marble ? 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 The propereft wives in the world; you can ? t 
 choofe amifs ; they will fupply you with all that 
 you want. 
 
 RUST. 
 Your uncle has, Madam, confented. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 That is more than ever his niece will. Con- 
 fented ! and to what ? to be fwath'd to a moulder- 
 ing mummy j or be lock'd up, like your medals, 
 to canker and ruft in a cabinet! No, no ; I was 
 made for the world, and the world mail not be 
 robb'd of it's right. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Bravo, Juliet! Gad, (he's a fine fpirited girl. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 My profile, indeed ! No, Sir, when I marry, 
 I muft have a man that will meet my full face. 
 
 RUST. 
 Might I be heard for a moment ? 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 To what end ? You fay, you have Sir Thomas 
 Lofty's confent; I tell you, you can never have 
 mine. You may fcreen me from, or expofe me 
 to, my uncle's refentment; the choice is your 
 own : if you lay the fault at my door, you 
 will, doubtlefs, greatly diftrefs me; but take 
 the blame on yourfelf, and I lhall own myfelf 
 extremely obliged to you. 
 
 RUST.
 
 J2 THE PATRON. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 How f confefs myfelf in the fault? 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay; for the beft thing that a man can do, 
 when he finds he can't be beloved, is to take 
 care he is not heartily hated. There is no other 
 alternative. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Madam, I iha'n't break my word with Sir 
 Thomas. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Nor I with myfelf. So there's an end of our 
 conference. Sir, your very obedient. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Madam, I, I, don't that is, let me But no 
 matter. Your fervant. [Exit. 
 
 JULIET. 
 Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Enter B ever from behind. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha! Incomparable Juliet! How the 
 old dotard trembled and tottered ; he could not 
 have been more inflam'd, had he been robb'd 
 of his Otho. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay ; was ever goddefs fo familiarly ufed ? In 
 my confcience, I began to be afraid that he would 
 treat me as the Indians do their dirty divi- 
 nities ; whenever they are deaf to their prayers, 
 they beat and abufe them. 
 
 BEVER. 
 But, after all, we are in an aukward lituation. 
 
 JULIET.
 
 THE PATRON. 33 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Howfo? 
 
 BEVER. 
 I have my fears. 
 
 JULIET. 
 So have not I. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Your uncle has refolved that you fhould be 
 married to Ruft. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay, hie may decree; but it is I that mud 
 execute. 
 
 BEVER. 
 But fuppofe he has given his word. 
 
 JULIET. 
 Why then let him recal it again. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 But are you fure you (hall have courage 
 enough 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 To fay No? That requires much refolution, 
 indeed. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Then I am at the height of my hopes. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Your hopes! Your hopes and your fears are 
 ill-founded alike. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Why, you are determined not to be his. 
 
 JULIET. 
 Well, and what then ? 
 
 Bh,VER. 
 What then ! why then you will be mine. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Indeed! and is that the natural confequence? 
 Whoever won't be his, mult be your's. Is that 
 the logic of Oxford ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 Madam, I did flatter myfelf * 
 
 C JULIET.
 
 34 THE PATRON. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Then you did very w-fong, indeed, Mr. Bever: 
 you fhould ever guard againft flattering yourfelf; 
 for of all dangerous parafites, felf is the worft. 
 BEVER. 
 
 I am aftonifh'd ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 AftoaiflVd! your are mad, I believe! Why, I 
 have not known you a month. It is true, my 
 uncle fays your father is his friend ; your fortune, 
 in time, will be eafy; your figure is not remark- 
 ably faulty; and as to your underftanding, paff- 
 able enough for a young fellow who has not feen 
 much of the world: but when one talks of a 
 hufband Lord, it's quite another fort of a 
 Ha, ha, ha ! Poor Bever, how he flares ! he Hands 
 like a ftatuel 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Statue, indeed, Madam ; I am very near pe- 
 trified. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Even then you will make as good a hufband as 
 Ruft. But go, run, and join the aflembly 
 within : be attentive to every word, motion, and 
 look of my uncle's; be dumb when he fpeaks, 
 admire all he fays, laugh when he fmirks, bow 
 when he fneezes; in Ihort, fawn, flatter, and 
 cringe; don't be afraid of over- loading his fto- 
 mach, for the knight has a noble digeftion, and 
 you will find fome there who will keep you in 
 countenance. 
 
 t BEVER. 
 
 .1 fly. So then, Juliet, your intention was only 
 to try 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Don't plague me with impertinent queftions : 
 march! ob^ my directions. We muft leave the 
 *- iffue
 
 THE PATRON. 35 
 
 iflue to Chance ; a greater friend to mankind 
 than they are willing to- own. Oh, if any thing 
 new mould occur, you may come into the draw- 
 ing room for further inftruclions. \_Excttnt five - 
 rally. 
 
 SCENE, 
 A ROOM IN SIR THOMAS LOFTY's HOUSE. 
 
 Sir Thomas, Ruft, Puff, Daftyl, and oibers, dif covered 
 fitting. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Nothing new to-day from Parnaflus .? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Not that I hear. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Nothing critical, philofophical, or political? 
 
 PUFF. 
 Nothing. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Then in this difette, this dearth of invention, 
 give me leave, gentlemen, to diftribute my 
 ftores. I have here in my hand a little, fmart, 
 fatyrical epigram; new, and prettily pointed: 
 in mort, a produclion that Martial himfelf would 
 not have blufh'd to acknowledge. 
 
 RUST. 
 Your own, Sir Thomas? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 O fie! no; fent me this morning, anonymous 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Pray, Sir Thomas, let us have it. 
 
 ALL. 
 By all means; by all means. 
 
 Cz Sir THOMAS.
 
 $6 THE PATRON. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 ToPhilUs. 
 
 Think'ft thou, fond Phillis, Strephon told thee tree, 
 Angels are painted fair to look like you : 
 Another ftory all the town will tell; 
 Phillis paints fair to look like an an-gel. 
 
 ALL. 
 Fine ! fine ! very fine ! 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Such an eafe and fimplicity. 
 
 PUFF. 
 The turn fo unexpected and quick. 
 
 RUST. 
 The fatire fo poignant. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Yes; I think it poffeffes, in an eminent de- 
 gree, the three great epigrammatical requifites ; 
 brevity, familiarity, and feverity. 
 
 Phillis paints fair to look like an an-gel. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Happy ! Is the Phillis, the fubject, a fecret > 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Oh, dear me ! nothing perfonal j no ; an im- 
 promptu; a mercjeud'efprit. 
 
 PUFF. 
 Then, Sir Thomas, the fecret is out ; it is your 
 
 own. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 That was obvious enough. 
 
 PUFF. 
 Who is there elfe could have written it ? 
 
 RUST. 
 True, true. 
 
 Sir THOMAS.
 
 THE PATRON. 37 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 The name of the author is needlefs. So it is an 
 acquifition to the republic of letters, any gentle- 
 man may claim the merit that will* 
 
 PUFF. 
 What a noble contempt ! 
 
 DACTYL. 
 What greatnefs of mind ! 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Scipio and Laelius were the Roman Loftys. 
 Why, I dare believe Sir Thomas has been the 
 making of half the authors in town; he is, as 
 I may fay, the greateft manufacturer j the other 
 poets are but pedlars, that live by retailing his 
 wares. 
 
 ALL. 
 Ha, ha, ha ! well obferv'd, Mr. Ruft. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha ! Molle atque facetum. Why, to 
 purfue the metaphor, if, Sir Thomas Lofty was 
 to call in his poetical debts, I believe there would 
 be a good many bankrupts in the Mufe's 
 Gazette. 
 
 -Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 But, a propos, gentlemen ; with regard to the 
 eclipfe : you found my calculation exadl ? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 To a digit. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Total darknefs, indeed ! and birds goiog 19 
 rooft! Thofe philomaths, thofe almanack- 
 makers, are the moft ignorant rafcals 
 
 C 7 PUFF.
 
 jj THE PATRON. 
 
 . PUFF. 
 
 /.It:is amazing where Sir Thomas Lofty ftores 
 all'his knowledge. 
 
 DACTYL. ,j 
 
 It is wonderful how the mind of man can 
 contain it. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Why, to tell you the truth, that circumftance 
 has a good deal engaged my attention; and I 
 believe you will admit my method of folving 
 philofpphical and ingenious 
 
 
 Without queftion; 
 
 ALL. " t>ri: 
 
 DdufctleTs. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I fuppofe, gentlemen* my memory^ or mind, 
 to be a eheft of drawers, a kind of bureau ; 
 
 where, in feparate ccihjies, my different know- 
 kdgeort different "fubjecls is ftored. 
 
 'RUST. 
 A prodigious difcovery ! 
 
 Al_iLj. 
 
 Amazing ! 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 To this cabinet volition, or will, has a key; fo, 
 when an arduous fubjecfl occurs, I unlock my 
 bureau, .pull out the particular drawer, and am 
 fupply'd with what I want in an inftaht. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 A Malebrarich! 
 
 :?UFF. 
 - A Boyle! 
 
 ALL. 
 A Locke! 
 
 Enter
 
 THE PATRON. 39 
 
 Enter Servant* 
 
 SERVANT. 
 Mr. Bcver. [Exit. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 A young gentleman from Oxford, recom- 
 mended to my care by his father. The univer- 
 (ity has given him a good folid Doric founda- 
 tion ; and when he has received from you a few 
 Tufcan touches, the Ionic and Corinthian graces, 
 1 make no doubt but he \\\\ prove a compofite 
 pillar to ; the republic of letters. [ 'Enter Bever.~\ 
 This, Sir, is the fchool from whence fo many 
 capital matters have iffued; the river that en- 
 riches the regions of fcience. 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Of which river, Sir Thomas, you are the 
 fource: here we quaff; et purpureo bibimui orf 
 nefiar. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Purpureo ! Delicate, indeed! Mr. Dactyl. Do 
 you hear, Mr. Bever? Bibimus ore neftar. You, 
 young gentleman, muft be inftructed to quote; 
 nothing gives a period more fpirit than a happy 
 Latin quotation, nor has indeed a finer effed ac 
 the head of an eflay. Poor Dick Steel ! I have 
 obliged him with many a motto for his fugitive 
 pieces. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Ay, and with the contents too; or Sir Richard 
 is foully belied. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 Sir Roger Dowlas. 
 
 Sir TIJOMAS. 
 
 Pray defire him to enter. [Exit Servant.^ Sir 
 
 Roger, Gentlemen, is a confiderable Eaft-lndia 
 
 C 4 pro-
 
 4O THE PATRON. 
 
 proprietor; and fee ms defirous of collecting from 
 this learned aflembly fome rhetorical flowers, 
 which he hopes to ftrew, with honour to himfelf, 
 and advantage to the company, in Leadenhall 
 Street. \_Enter Sir Roger Dowlas.'] Sir Roger, be 
 feated. This gentleman has, in common with 
 the greateft orator the world ever faw, a fmall 
 natural infirmity; he flutters a little: but I have 
 prefcrib'd the fame remedy that Demofthenes 
 ufed, and don't defpair of a radical cure. Well, 
 Sir, have you digefted thofe general rules? 
 
 Sir ROGKR. 
 
 Pr ett y well, I am obli g'd to you, Sir 
 Thomas. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Have you been regular in taking your tincture 
 of fage, to give you confidence for fpeaking in 
 public ? 
 
 Sir ROGER. 
 Y es, Sir Thomas. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Did you open at the laft general court ? 
 
 Sir ROGER. 
 I attem p ted fo ur or fi ve times. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 What hindered your progrcfs? , 
 
 Sir ROGER. 
 The pe b bles. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Oh, the pebbles in his mouth. But they are 
 only put in to practife in private ; you fhould 
 take them out when you are addrefling the 
 public. 
 
 Sir ROGER. 
 Yes ; I will for the fu ture. 
 
 Sir THOMAS.
 
 THE PATRON. 41 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Well, Mr. Ruft, you had a tete-a-tete with my 
 niece. A propos, Mr. Bever, here offers a fine 
 occafion for you; we fhall take the liberty to 
 trouble your Mufe on their nuptials. O Love! 
 O Hymen! here prune thy purple wings; trim 
 thy bright torch. Hey, Mr. Bever? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 My talents are at Sir Thomas Lofty's direction; 
 tho' I muft defpair of producing any perform- 
 ance worthy the attention of fo complete a judge 
 of the elegant arts. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Too modeft, good Mr. Bever. Well, Mr. 
 Ruft, any new acquifition, finceour laft meeting, 
 to your matchlefs collection? 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Why, Sir Thomas, I have both loft and gained 
 fince 1 faw you. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Loft ! I am forry for that. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 The curious farcophagus, that was fent me 
 from Naples by Signior Belloni 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 You mean the urn that was fuppofed to con- 
 tain the duft of Agrippa ! 
 
 RUST. 
 Suppofed! no doubt but it did. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I hope no finifter accident to that ineftimablc 
 relic of Rome. 
 
 RUST. 
 It's gone. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Gone! oh, illiberal! What, ftolen, I fuppofe, 
 by fome connoiffeur ?
 
 PATRON. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Worfe, worfe ! a prey, a martyr to ignorance : 
 a houfemaid, that 1 hired laft week, miftook it 
 for a broken grefen chamber-pot, and fent it 
 away in the.dufVcart. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 She merits impaling. Oh, the Hun ! 
 
 DACTYL. 
 The Vandal ! 
 
 ALL. 
 The Vifigoth ! 
 
 RUST. 
 
 But I have this day acquired a treafure that 
 will in fome meafure make me amends. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Indeed'! what can that be? 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 That muft be fomething curious, indeed. 
 ,* RUST.-- 
 
 It has cod me infinite trouble to get it. 
 
 DACTYL.' 
 Great rarities are not had without pains. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 It is three months ago fmce I got the firft fcent 
 of it, and I have been ever fmce on the hunt-, 
 but all to no purpofe. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 I am quite upon thorns till I fee it. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 And yefterday, when I had given it over, when 
 all my hopes were grown defperate, it fell inio 
 my hands, by the mott unexpede'd and wonder- 
 ful accident. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 >iiodoptanti divum promittere nemo 
 Auderety vohenda dies en attulit iiilrv. 
 Mr. Bever, you remark my quotation ? 
 
 BEVER/
 
 THE PATRON. 43 
 
 SEVER. 
 Moil happy. Oh, Sir, nothing you fay can 
 
 be loft. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 I have brought it here in my pocket; I am no 
 churl; I love to ^leafure my friends* 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 You are, Mr. Ruft, -extremely, obliging. 
 ;ALU .' 
 
 Very kind, very obliging, indeed, i | 
 
 . :Ruarf:. 
 
 It was not much hurt by the fire. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Very -fortunate. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 The edges are foil'd by the link; but many of 
 the letters are exceedingly legible. 
 
 ' Sir ROGER. 
 A li trie roo m, if you p leafe. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Here it 'is; the precious remains of the very 
 Norths-Britain that was burnt at the Royal- 
 Exchange. "'. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Number forty-five ? * * 
 
 The fame. 
 
 BEVER. 
 You are a lucky man, Mr. Ruft. 
 
 ' RUST. 
 
 I think fo. But, Gentlemen, I hope I need not 
 give you a caution : hufh filence no words on 
 this matter. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 You may depend upon us. 
 RUST. 
 
 For as the paper has not fuffered the law, J dof>'C 
 know whether they may not feize it again. 
 
 Sir THOMAS.
 
 144 THE PATRON. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 With us you are fafe Mr. Ruft. Well, young 
 gentleman, you fee we cultivate all branches of 
 fcience. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Amazing, indeed! But when we confider you, 
 Sir Thomas, as the directing, the ruling planet, 
 our wonder fubfides in an inftant. Science firft faw 
 the day with Socrates in the Attic portico; her 
 early years were fpen-t with Tully in the Tufculan 
 fhade ; but her ripe, tnaturer hours, (he enjoys 
 with Sir Thomas Lofty, near Cavendim-Square. 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 The moft claflical compliment I ever received. 
 Gentlemen, a philofophical repaft attends your 
 acceptance Within. Sir Roger, you'll lead the 
 way. [Exeunt all but Sir Thomas and Bever. ~] Mr. 
 Bever, may I beg your ear for a moment ? Mr. 
 Bever, the friend (hip I have for your father, fe- 
 cured you at firft a .gracious reception from me ; 
 but what I then paid to an old obligation, is now, 
 Sir, due to your own particular merit. 
 BEVER. 
 
 I am happy, Sir Thomas v if 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Your patience. There is in you, Mr. Bever, 
 a fire of imagination, a quicjcncfsofapprehenfion, 
 a folidity of judgment, jom'd; to a depth of dif- 
 cretion, that I never yet met with in any fubjecl 
 at yur time 1 of lite. 
 
 BEYER. 
 
 I hope I fhall never forfeit 
 Sic THOMAS. 
 
 I am fure you never will; land to give yo<i a 
 convincing proof that I think fo, I am now 
 go*H%to truft you with the moft important fecret 
 of my whole life. 
 
 BEVER.
 
 THE PATRON. 4$ 
 
 BEVER. 
 Your confidence does me great honour. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 But this mud be on a certain condition. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Name it. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 That you give me your folemn promife to com- 
 ply with one requeft I (hall make you. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 There is nothing Sir Thomas Lofty can afk, 
 that I mail not chearfully grant. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Nay, in fact, it will be ferving yourfelf. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 I want no fuch, inducement. 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Enough. But we can't be too private. [Sbuts 
 the dwr.~] Sit you down. Your Chriftian name, 
 I think, is 
 
 BEVER, 
 Richard. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 True ; the fame as your father's. Come, let us 
 be familiar. It is, I think, dear Dick, acknow- 
 ledged, that the Englim have reached the highcft 
 pitch of perfection in every department of writ- 
 iag but one the dramatic. 
 BEVER. 
 Why the French critics area little fevere. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 And with reafon. Now, to refcue our credit, 
 and at the fame time give my country a model, 
 \Jhews a manufcripi\ fee here. 
 BEVER. 
 A play? 
 
 Sir THOMAS.
 
 MATRON. 
 
 ~. Sir THOMAS. 
 
 A chef tPfaivre. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Your own? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Speak lowen I am the author. 
 
 BEVER. 
 N*y> then there can be no doubt of it's merit. 
 
 ... Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Ithinknot. You will be charm'd with the fubjed, 
 
 BEVER. 
 What is it, Sir Thomas ? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I (hall furprize you. The ftory of Robinfon 
 Crufoe. Are not you ftruck? 
 
 BEVER. 
 Moft prodigioufly. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Yes j I knew the very title would hit you. You 
 will find the whole fable is finely donduded, and 
 the charader of Friday, qualis ab incepto, nobly 
 fupported throughout. 
 
 BEVER. 
 A pretty difficult tafk. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 True; that was not a bow for a boy. The piece 
 has long been in rehearfal at Drury-lane play- 
 houfe, this night is to make its appearance. 
 
 BEVER. 
 To-night ? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 This night. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 J will attend, and engage all my friends to fup- 
 port it. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 That is not my purpofe ; the piece will want no 
 fuch afliftance. 
 
 BEVER.
 
 THE PATRON. 47 
 
 BEVER. 
 I beg pardon. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 The manager of that houfe (who you know' it 
 a writer himfelf), finding all the anonymous 
 things he produced (indeed fomeofthcm wretch- 
 ed enough, and very unworthy of him) placed to 
 his account by the public, is determined toexhibic 
 no more without knowing the name of the author. 
 
 BEVER. 
 A reafonable caution. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 4ow, upon my promife (for I appear to patro- 
 nize the play) to announce the author before the 
 curtain draws up, Robinfon Crufoe is advertifed 
 for this evening. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Oh, then, you will acknowledge the piece to be 
 your's? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 No. 
 
 BEVER. 
 How then? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 My defien is to give it to you. 
 
 BEVER. 
 To me ! 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 To you. 
 
 BEVER. 
 What, me the author of Robinfon Crufoe! 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Ay. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Lord, Sir Thomas, it will never gain credit: 
 fo compleat a production the work of a (tripling! 
 Befides, Sir, as the merit is your's, why rob your, 
 felf of the glory ? 
 
 Sir THOMAS.
 
 4 % THE PATRON. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 I am entirely indifferent to that. 
 
 BfiVKR. 
 
 Then why take the trouble? 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Myfondnefs for letters, and love of my country. 
 Betides, dear Dick, though the pauci & feleBi; the 
 chofen few, know the full value of a performance 
 like this, yet the ignorant, the profane, (by much 
 the majority,) will be apt to think it an occupa- 
 tion ill-fuited to my time of life. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Their cenfure is praife. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Doubtlefs. But, indeed, my principal motive 
 is my friendmip for you. You are now a candidate 
 for literary honours, and I am determin'd to fix 
 your fame on an immoveable bafis. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 You are moft exceflively kind ; but there is 
 fomething fo difingenuous in dealing reputation 
 from another man 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Idle punctilio ! 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 It puts me fo in mind of the daw in the fable- 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Come, come, dear Dick, I won't fuffer your 
 modefty to murder your fame. But the com- 
 pany will fufpedl fomething ; we will join them, 
 and proclaim you the author. There, keep the 
 copy; to you I confign it for ever; it (hall be 
 a fecret to lateft polterity. You will be fmother'd 
 with praife by our friends; they (hall all in their 
 bark to the playhoufe, and there 
 
 Attendant fail, 
 Purfue the triumph, and partake the gale. 
 
 END OF THE SECOND ACT.
 
 THE PATRON. 49 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 ?CENE CONTINUES. 
 Enter Sever Reading. 
 
 uO ends the firft adl. Come, now for the fecond. 
 " A6t the fecond, fhewing" the coxcomb has 
 prefaced every ad with an argument too, in 
 humble imitation, I warrant, of Monf. Diderot 
 " mewing the fatal effects of difobedience to 
 parents;" with, I fuppofe, the diverting fcene of 
 a gibbet; an entertaining fubjecl: for comedy. 
 And the blockhead is as prolix every fcene as 
 long as a homily. Let's fee ; how does this end ? 
 " Exit Crufoe, and enter fome favages, dancing 
 a faraband." There's no bearing this abominable 
 trafh. \Enter Juliet. ~] So, Madam ; thanks to your 
 advice and direction, I am got into a fine fituation. 
 
 JULIET. 
 What is the matter now, Mr. Bever? 
 
 BEVER. 
 The Robinfon Crufoe. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 . Oh, the play that is to be acled to-night. 
 How fecret you were ? Who in the world would 
 have guefs'd you was the author ? 
 
 BEVER; 
 Me, Madam ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Your title is odd; but to a genius every fubjeCt 
 is good. 
 
 BEVER. 
 You are inclined to be pleafant. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Within they have been all prodigious loud in 
 the praife of your piece; but I think, my uncle 
 rather more eager than any. 
 
 D BfiVER.
 
 5<* THE PAlRON. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 He has reafon ; for fatherly fondnefs goes far, 
 
 IULIET. 
 I don't underftand you. 
 
 BEVER. 
 You don't! 
 
 JULIET. 
 No. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Nay, Juliet, this is too much ; you know it is 
 none of my play. 
 
 JULIET. 
 Whofe then? 
 
 BEVER. 
 Your uncle's. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 My uncle's ! then how, in the name of wonder, 
 came you to adopt it ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 At his earned requeft. I may be a foolj but 
 remember, Madam, you are the caufe. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 This is ftrange ; but I can't conceive what his 
 motive could be. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 His m6tive is obvious enough ; to fcreen hirii- 
 felf from the infamy of being the author. 
 
 JULIET. 
 What, is it bad, then ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 Bad! moft infernal! 
 
 JULIET. 
 And you have confented to own it? 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 Why, what could I do? he in a manner com- 
 pellti me. 
 
 JULIET. 
 I am extremely glad of it. 
 
 BEVER.
 
 THE PATRON. ^ 51 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Glad of it ! why, I tell you, 'tis the moft dull, 
 tedious, melancholy 
 
 JULIET. 
 So much the better. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 The moft flat piece of frippery that ever Grub- 
 ftreet produced. 
 
 JULIET, 
 So much the better. 
 
 BEVER. 
 It will be damn'd before the third act. 
 
 JULIET. 
 So much the better. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 And I mail be hooted and pointed at where- 
 ever I go. 
 
 JULIET. 
 So much the better. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 So much the better ! zounds ! fo, I fuppofc, 
 you would fay if I was going to be hang'd. Do 
 you call this a mark of you friendfhip? 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ah, Bever, Bever ! you are a miferable poli- 
 tician. Do you know, now, that this is the 
 luckieft incident that everoccurr'd? 
 
 BEVER. 
 Indeed ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 It could not have been better laid, had we 
 planned it ourfelves. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 You will pardon my want of conception: but 
 thefe are riddles 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 That at prefent 1 have not time to explain. 
 
 But what makes you loit'ring here? Pafl fix 
 
 o'clock, as I live! Why, your play is begun ; run, 
 
 D 2 run,
 
 52 THfi PATRON. 
 
 run, to the houfe. Was ever author fo little 
 anxious for the fate of his piece ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 My piece ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Sir Thomas ! I know by his walk. Fly, and 
 pray all the way for the fall of your play. And, do 
 you hear, if you find the audience too indulgent, 
 inclined to be milky,, rather than fail, fqueeze in 
 a little acid yourfelf. Oh, Mr. Bever, at your re- 
 turn let me fee you, before you go to my uncle; 
 that is, if you have the good luck to be damn r d. 
 
 BEVER. . 
 You need not doubt that. Exit. 
 
 Enter Sir Thomas Lofty. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 So, Juliet j was not thai Mr. Bever ? 
 
 JULIET. 
 Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 He is rather tardy; by this time his caufe is 
 come on. And how is the young gentleman af- 
 fected? for this is a trying occafion. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 He feems pretty certain, Sir. 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Indeed, I think he has very little reafon to fear : 
 I confefs I admire the piece * and feel as much for 
 it's fate as if the work was my own. 
 
 ' JULIET. 
 
 That I moft fincerely believe. I wonder, Sir, 
 you did not choofe to be prefent. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Better not. My affections are ftrong, Juliet, 
 and my nerves but tenderly ftrung ; however, in- 
 telligent people are planted, who will bring me 
 every acj a faithful account of theprocefs. 
 
 JU-LIET.
 
 THE PATRON. '$3 
 
 JULIET. 
 That willanfwer yourpurpofe as welF. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Indeed, I am paffionately fond of the arts, and 
 therefore can't help did not fomebody knock? 
 no. My good girl, will you ftep, and take care 
 that when any body comes the fervants may not 
 be out of the way. [Exit Juliet.} Five and thirty 
 minutes paft fix ; by this time the firft at muft be 
 over : John will be prefently here. I think it can't 
 fail ; yet there is fo much whim and caprice in the 
 public opinion, that This young man is un- 
 known ; they'll give him no credit. I had better 
 have own'd it myfelf: Reputation goes a 'great 
 way in thefe matters : people are afraid to find 
 fault ; they are cautious in cenfuringthe works of 
 a man who hufh! that's 'he: no ; 'tis only the 
 mutters.. After all, I think 1 have chofe the beft 
 way : for, if it fucceeds to the degree I expect, it 
 will be eafytocirculate the real nameof theauthor; 
 if it fails, I am concealed, my fame fuffers no 
 There he is. [Loud knocking.^ I can't conceive what 
 kept him fo long. [Enter John.'], So, John ; well ; 
 and but you have been a monltrous while. 
 
 JOHN. 
 
 Sir, I was wedged fo clofe in the pit that I 
 could fcarcely get out. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 The houfe was full then? 
 JOHN. 
 As an egg, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 That's right. Well John, and did matters go 
 fwimmingly? hey? 
 
 JOHN. 
 Exceedingly well, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Exceedingly well. I don't doubt it. What, vaft 
 clapping and roars of applaufc, I fuppoie. 
 
 D 3 JOHN.
 
 54 T HE PATRON. 
 
 JOHN* 
 Very well, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Very well, Sir! You aredamn'deoftive, I think. 
 But did not the pit and boxes thunder again? 
 
 JOHN. 
 I can't fay there was over much thunder. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 No ! Oh, attentive, 1 reckon. Ay, attention ! 
 that is the true, folid, fubftantial applaufe. All 
 elfe may be purchafed ; hands move as they are 
 bid : but when the audience is hufhed ftill, afraid 
 6f lofmg a word, then 
 
 JOHN. 
 Yes, they wtre very quiet indeed, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I like them the better, John ; a ftrong mark of 
 their great fenfibility. Did you fee Robin ? 
 
 JOHN. 
 
 Yes, Sir; he'll b>e here in a trice ; I left him 
 lift'ning at the back of the boxes, and charged 
 him to make all the hafte home that he could. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 That's right, John; very well; your account 
 pleafes me much, honed John. [ Exit John.'] No, 
 I did not expect the firft act would produce any 
 prodigious effect. And, after all, the firft act is 
 but a mere introduction; juft opens the bufmefs, 
 the plot, and gives a little infight into the cha- 
 racters: fo that if you but engage and intereft the 
 houfe, it is as much as the beft writer can flatt 
 [knocking without] Gadfo ! what, Robin already ! 
 why the fellow has the feet of a Mercury. [Enter 
 Robing] Well, Robin, and what news do you bring? 
 ROBIN. 
 
 Sir, I, I, I, 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Stop, Robin, and recover your breath. Now, 
 Robin. 
 
 ROBIN*
 
 THE PATRON. 55 
 
 ROBIN. 
 There has been a woundy uproar below. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 An uproar! what, at the playhoufe ? 
 
 ROBIN. 
 Ay, 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 At what ? 
 
 ROBIN. 
 
 I don't know : belike at the words the play-folk 
 were talking. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 At the players ! how can that be ? Oh, now I 
 begin to conceive. Poor fellow, he knows but 
 little of plays. What^ Robin, I fuppofe, hallow- 
 ing, and clapping, and knocking of flicks? 
 
 ROBIN. 
 Hallowing ! ay, and hooting too. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 And hooting! 
 
 ROBIN. 
 Ay, and ruffing to boot. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Hifling ! you muft be miftaken. 
 
 ROBIN. 
 By the mafs, but I am not. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Impoflible ! Oh, molt likely fome drunken, 
 diforderly fellows, that were difturbing the houfe 
 and interrupting the play ; too common a cafe ; 
 the people were right: they deferv'd a rebuke. 
 Did not you hear them cry, Out, out, out ? 
 
 ROBIN 1 . 
 Noa ; that was not the cry ; 'twas Off, off, off! 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 That was a whimfiral noife. Zounds ! that muft 
 be the players. Did you obferve nothing elfe ? 
 
 D 4
 
 , 
 
 .56 THE PATRON. 
 
 , , ROBIN. 
 
 Belike the quarrel .firft began between the 
 gentry and a black-a-moor man. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 With Friday ! The public tafte is debauched ; 
 honed nature is too plain and fimple for their 
 vitiated palates! [Enttr Jn //>/.] Juliet, Robin 
 brings me the ftrangeft account ; fome little dif- 
 turbance; but I fuppofe it was foon fettled again. 
 Oh, but here comes Mr. Staytape, my .taylor ; he 
 is a rational being ; we (hall be able to make fome- 
 thing of him. [Enter $iaytape.~\ So, Staytape; 
 what, is the third act over already ? 
 
 - STAYTAPE. 
 Over, Sir! no; nor never will be. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 What do you mean ? 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 Cut fhort. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 I don't comprehend you. 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 
 Why, Sir, the poet has made a miftake in 
 meafuring the tafte of the town; the goods, it 
 feems, did not fit; fo they returned them upon the 
 gentleman's hands. 
 
 sir THOMAS: 
 
 Rot your affectation and quaintnefs, you puppr r 
 fpeak plain. 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 Why, then, Sir, Robinfon Grufoe is dea.d. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Dead ! 
 
 STAYTAPK. 
 
 Ay; and, whatisworfe, will never rife any more. 
 You will foon have all the particulars; for there 
 were four or five of your friends clofe at my heels. 
 
 Sir THOMAS.
 
 THE PATRON. $7 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Staytape, Juliet, run and flop them; fay I am 
 gone out; I am fick; I am engaged: -but, what- 
 ever you do, be fure you don't let Bevercome in. 
 Secure of the victory, I invited them to the 
 celebr 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 Sir, they are here. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Confound 
 
 Enter Puff. Daffyl, and Rujl. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 A, truly, Mr. Puff, this is but a bitter be- 
 ginning; then the young man muft turn himfelf 
 to fome other trade. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Servant, Sir Thomas ; I fuppofe you have heard 
 the news of- 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Yes, yes ; I have been told it before. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 I confefs, I did not fufpeci it; but there is no 
 knowing what effecT: thefe things will have till 
 they come on the ftagc. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 For my part, I don't know much of thefe rnat- 
 ters; but a couple of gentlemen near me, who 
 feem'd fagacious enough too, declared that it was 
 the vilefl 'fluff they ever had heard, and wondered 
 the players would act. it. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Y-Arl don't remember to have feen a more 
 general diflike. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 I was thinking to afk you, Sir Thomas, foryour 
 intereft with Mr. Bever about buying the copy: 
 but now no mortal would read it. Lord, Sir, it 
 would not pay for paper and print. 
 
 RUST.
 
 5 THE PATRQJ*. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 I remember Kennel, in his Roman Antiquities, 
 mentions a play of Terence's, Mr. Dactyl, that 
 "was terribly treated; but that he attributes to the 
 people's fondncfs for certain funatnbuli, or rope- 
 dancers; but I have not lately heard of any fa- 
 mous tumblers in town : Sir Thomas, have you ? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 How (hould I ; do you fuppofe I trouble my 
 head about tumblers ? 
 
 RUST. 
 Nay, I did not 
 
 BEVER, fpeak'ng .-without. 
 
 - $?ot to be fpoke with! Don't tell me, Sir; he 
 muft, he mall. 
 
 Sir -THOMAS. 
 
 : Mr^ Bever's voice. If he is admitted in his 
 prefent difpofition, the whole fecret will certainly 
 out. Gentlemen, fome affairs of a mod intereft- 
 ing nature makes it impofiible for cne to have the 
 honour of your company to-night; therefore I 
 beg you would be fo good as to 
 
 RUST. 
 Affairs ! no bad news? I hope Mifs Juleis well. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Very well; but I am moft exceedingly 
 
 RUST. 
 
 I (hall only juft ftay to fee Mr. Bever. Poor 
 lad! he will be moft horribly down in the mouth : 
 a little comfort won't come amifs. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Mr. Bever, Sir! you won't fee him here. 
 
 RUST. 
 Not here ! why I thought I heard his voice but 
 
 juft .now. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 y*>u are miftaken Mr. Rutf; but 
 
 .RUST.
 
 THE PATKONT. 59 
 
 RUST. 
 
 May be fo j then we will go. Sir Thomas, my 
 compliments of condolence, if you pleafe, to the 
 poet. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Ay, ay. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 And mine; for I fuppofe we fha'n't fee him 
 foon. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Poor gentleman ! I warrant he won't {hew his 
 head for thefe fix months. 
 RUST. 
 
 Ay, ay: indeed, I am very forry for him j fo 
 tell him, Sir. 
 
 DACTYL and PUFF. 
 So are we. 
 
 "RUST. 
 
 Sir Thomas, your fervant. Come, Crentlemen. 
 By all this confufion in Sir Thomas, there muft 
 be fomething more in the wind than 1 know; but 
 I will watch, I am refolved. Etceunt. 
 
 BEVER, 'without. 
 Rafcals, (land by ! I muft, I will fee him. 
 
 Eattr BEVER. 
 
 So, Sir; rhis is delicate treatment, after all I 
 have fuffered. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Mr. Bever, I hope you don't that is 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Well, Sir Thomas Lofty, what think you now 
 of your Robinfon Crufoe ? a pretty performance ! 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Think, Mr. Bever! I think the public are 
 blockheads; a taftelefs, a ftupid, ignorant tribe; 
 and a man of geni|us deferves to be damn'd who 
 writes any thing for them. But courage, dear 
 Dick! the principals will give you what the peo- 
 
 pk
 
 TWE PATRON: 
 
 pie refufe ; the clofet wilf do you that juftice.the 
 'ftage'hVs denied: print' your play. 
 
 BEVER. 
 My play ! zoundsj Sir, 'tis your own. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Speak lower, deaj Dick; be moderate, 'my 
 .good.-deariad! 
 
 Oh, Sir Thomas,.. you may be eafy enough; 
 you are fafe and fecure, removed far from that 
 precipice that has daflied me to pieces. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 , - Ij}ear Dick, don't believe it will hurt you. 
 The critics, the real judges, will difcover in that 
 piece fuch excellent talents 
 " BEVER. 
 
 No, Sir Thomas, qo.;; <I (hall neither flatter 
 you nor myfelf; I have acquired a right to fpeak 
 what I think. Your play, Sir, is a wretched 
 performance; and in this opinion all mankind 
 are united. 
 
 Sir THOMAS, 
 
 May be- not. ^^ 
 
 if your piece had been greatly received, I 
 would have declared Sir Thomas Lofty the au- 
 thor; if coldly, I would have owned it myfelf: 
 but fuch difgraceful, fuch contemptible treat- 
 ment ! I own, the burthen is too heavy for me; 
 fOj.Sir., you muft bear it yourfelf. 
 Sir; THOMAS. 
 
 Me, dear Dick! what to become ridiculous in 
 the decline of my life ; to deltroy in one hour the 
 fame that forty years has been building ! that was 
 the prop, the. fupport of my age! Can you be 
 cruel enough to defire it? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Zounds ! Sir, and why muft I be your 
 crutch? Would you have me become a volun- 
 
 tary
 
 TH PAT.RON. 6 I 
 
 tary victim? No, Sir, this caufe does not merit 
 a martyrdom. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I own myfelf greatly oblig'd; but perfevere, 
 dear Dick, perfevere; you have time to recover 
 your fame: I beg it with tears in my eyes. 
 Another play will 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 No, Sir Thomas ; I have done with the ftage : 
 the Mufes and I meet no more. 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Nay, there are various roads open in life. 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 Not one, where your piece won't purfue me. 
 If I go to the bar, the ghoft of this curfed comedy 
 will follow, and hunt me in Weftminlter-hall : 
 nay, when I die, it will ftick to my memory, and 
 I fhall be handed down to pofterity with the au- 
 thor of Love in a Hollow Tree. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Then marry: you are a pretty fmart figure ; 
 and your poetical talents 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 And what fair would admit of my fuit, or 
 family wifh to receive me? Make the cafe your 
 own, Sir Thomas ; would you ? 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 With infinite pleafure. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Then give me your niece ; her hand (hall feal 
 up my lips. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 What, Juliet? willingly But are you ferious, 
 do you really admire the girl? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Beyond what words can exprefs. It was by her 
 advice I confertted to father your play. 
 
 ir THOMAS.
 
 62 THE PATRON. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 What, is Juliet appriz'd ? Here, Robin, John, 
 run and call my niece hither this moment. That 
 giddy baggage wiil blab all in an inltant. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 You are miftaken; (he is wifer than you are 
 aware of. 
 
 Enter Juliet. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Oh, Juliet! you know what has happen'd. 
 
 JULIET. 
 I do, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Have you reveal'd this unfortunate fecret. 
 
 JULIET. 
 To no mortal, Sir Thomas. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Come, give me your hand. Mr. Bever, child, 
 for my fake, has renounced the ftage, and the 
 whole republic of letters ; in return I owe him 
 your hand. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 My hand ! what, to a poet hooted, hifled, and 
 exploded ! You muft pardon me, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Juliet, a trifle : the moft they can fay of him, 
 is, that he is a little wanting in witj and he has 
 fo many brother writers to keep him in counte^ 
 nance, that now-a-days that is no reflection at all t 
 
 JULIET. 
 Then, Sir, your engagement to Mr. Ruft. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I have found out the rafcal ; he has been more 
 impertinently fevere on my play, than all the reft 
 put together , fo that I am determined he (hall 
 be none of the man. 
 
 Enter
 
 THfi PATRON. 63 
 
 Enter Rufi. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Are you fo, Sir? what, then, I am to be facri- 
 ficed, in order to preferve the fecret that you are 
 a blockhead ? But you are out in your politics; 
 before night it {hall be known in all the coffee - 
 houfes in town. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 For Heaven's fake, Mr. Ruft ! 
 
 RUST 
 
 And to-morrow I will paragraph you in every 
 news-paper; you (hall no longer impofe on the 
 world; I will unmafk you; the lion's fkin fhall 
 hide you no longer. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Juliet! Mr. Bever! what can I do? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Sir Thomas, let me manage this matter. 
 Harkee, old gentleman, a word in your ear: you 
 remember what you have in your pocket? 
 
 RUST. 
 Hey! how! what? 
 
 BEVER. 
 The curiofity that has coft you fo much pains. 
 
 RUST. 
 What, my ^Eneas! my precious relief of Troy! 
 
 You muft give up that, or the lady. 
 
 JULIET. 
 How, Mr. Bever ! 
 
 BEVER. 
 Never fear; I am fure of my man. , 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Let me confider As to the girl, girls are 
 plenty enough j I can marry whenever I will: 
 but my paper, my phoenix, that fprings frelh 
 from the flames, that can ntvex be matched. 
 Take her, 
 
 BVER.
 
 64 THJ 5 PATRON. 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 And, as you love your own fecret, be careful 
 of ours. 
 
 RUST. 
 I am dumb. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Now, Juliet. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 You join me, Sir, to an unfortunate bardj but, 
 to procure your peace 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 You oblige me for ever. Now the fecret dies 
 with us four. My fault. I owe him much: 
 
 Be it your care to (hew it ; 
 And blefs the man, tho' I have damn'd the poet. 
 
 Exeunt Omnes. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 
 
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