THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD ENDOWMENT FUND THE DRAMATIC WORKS OF JOHN O'KEEFFE, ESQ. PUBLISHED UNDER THE GRACIOUS PATRONAGE OF HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE PRINCE OF WALES. PREPARED FOR TH PRESS BY THE AUTHOR* IN FOUR VOLUMES, VOL. I. LONDON: PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR, BY T. WOODFALL ; AND SOLD BY Meflirs. LONGMAN, ROBINSONS, DEBRETT, CADELL and DAVIES, NICHOLI., PAYNE, EGERTON, WHITE, HOOK- HAM and CAUPENTER, CAWTHORNE, BELL, London; ARCHER, Dublin; CREECH, Edinburgh; MEYLER, Bath; FLETCHER, Oxford; DEIGHTON, Cambridge; HUMPHREYS, Chichefter; GREGORY, Brighton; MOTLEY, Portfmoutb j GARDNER, Margate; c. [ENTERED AT STATIONERS* HALL.'] 1798. HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE PRINCE OF WALES, JHLAVING, in the complacent be- nevolence of his gracious difpofition, condefcended to fignify his Approba- tion of thefe Works, and his pleafure that they might come into the world tinder his Auguft Protection ; in the hope that the degree of lenity with which his Royal Highnefs has been pleafed to regard them on the Stage, will not be affedled by a look over of them in the clolet (if fuch humble productions, unaided by the advan- SS2047 17 DEDICATION. advantages of reprefentation, can ever be admitted to a place even among the lighter engagements of his Royal Highnefs's leifure moments) they are, laid at his Royal Highnefs's feet, with all humility, duty, and grati-^ tude, by THE AUTHOR. une ADDRESS PREFATORY. T. HE AUTHOR regrets that an incon- fiderate difpofal of the Copy Right of his Pieces, called The SON IN LAW, The AGREE ABLE SURPRISE, The YOUNG QUAKER, The DEAD ALIVE, andPEEp- ING TOM ; to the late Manager of the Hay -Market Theatre, prevents their ap- pearance in this Collection*. How- ever, fhould thofe of his compofitions, which he is here enabled to give to the Public, afford any gratification in the: reading, it is derived from the kindnefs of MR. HARRIS, (Proprietor of the Theatre-Royal, Covent-Garden) in per- mitting the AUTHOR to Print them ; the Copy Right of mod of them, he alfo having purchafed; * Had they been fold to a Bookfeller, and cdnfequently then Publifhed, the AUTHOR, would, by the laws refpe&ing literary property, have had a right to print them at the ex- piration of fourteen years, a term now long elapfed. To VI To that Gentleman, for this fignal in- fiance of generofity, as well as for many other afts of friendfhip, the AUTHOR, thus Publickly returns his moft fincere and grateful thanks. Teddington, Middlefex, June, 1798. LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. HlS Royal Highnefs the Prince of Wales ' His Royal Highnefs the Duke of York His Royal Highnefs the Duke of Clarence A. Her Moft Serene Highnefs the Margravine of Anfpach Nathaniel Atchefon, Efq. F. A. S. Miles Peter Andrews, Efq. M. P. for Bewdly, Worcefterfhire Mrs. Abingdon Mr. Angelo F. Dugdale Aftley, Efq. Everley, Wilts Mr. At t wood Mr, Adams, 10 copies F. LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. F- Aickin, Efq. Gower-flreet Mr. A Mrs. Allen, Errol Houfe, Scotland Lee Allen, Efq. Errol Houfe, Scotland B. Sir George Beaumont, Bart. L. L. D. Dunmow, Eflex Sir Charles Burdett, Bart. Acomb, Yorkfhire Francis John Browne, Efq. M. P. for the county of Dorfet, Frampton, Dorfetfhire Mifs Benfon M. H. Beach, Efq. M. P. for Cirencefler, Wik liamftrip-park, Gloucefterfliire Mr. Bannifler, Jun. Gower-flreet Dr. Charles Burney Mr. Blandiord, Surgeon, Wincanton, Somerfet- (hire Mrs. Boone, Berkeley-Square Boone, Efq. Berkeley -Square Mr. Broderip, Haymarket Babbs, Efq. Samuel Birch, Efq. Cornhill Luke Birch, Efq. Jun. Mr. Brandon Robert Byrne, Efq. Cabinteely, Ireland Captain Henry Bunbury Mr. Barker, Bookfeller, 6 copies Thomas Brand, Efq. Soho-fquarc Captain LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. Captain Burndl Charles Bimop, Efq. Ruffell Place The Reverend Mr. Burnett, Berkhamftead, Herts Captain Edward Barlow Mr. Bellamy, Bookfellcr, 2 copies, King-flreet, Covent- Garden R. H. A. Bennet, Efq. C. The Right Honorable the Earl of Chefterfield, 2 copies His Excellency Earl Camden, Dublin Cattle Francis Conft, Efq. Barrifter at Law Richard Cumberland, Efq. Robert Calvert, Efq. Charles Calvert, Efq. Mr. -James Clarke James Cawdell, Efq. Manager of the Sunderland Company Lieutenant A. Congalton, R. N. Mrs. Carey Mr. James Champ, Chichefter Edward H. Cruttenden, Efq. James Cobb, Efq. Eaft India Houfe Mr. Thomas Crefer G. Colman, Efq. Mr. John Carpenter, Wincanton, Somerfetfhire L. Concannon, Efq. Mr. Crofs Mr. Jof. Clark, Hull b His LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. D. His Grace the Duke of Devonfhirc The Right Honorable the Earl of Dorcheiter The Right Honorable Lady Vifcountefs Dudley and Ward Tbe Right Honorable Lord Vifcount Dudley and Ward N. Dalton, Efq. Shanks Houfe, Wiacanton, So- merfetfhire John Dalron,Efq. Pitbcome, Bruton, Somerfetfhire Mrs. Deacon, 2 copies Mr. Deacon Mifs De Camp The Reverend Dr. Dupre, Berkhamftead, Herts W. Dawes. Efq. The Reverend Mr. Dodd, Weftminfter, 2 copies Mrs. Dehany William Davies, Efq. Mr. Dow ton Mr. Dignum E. The Right Honourable the Earl of Egremont Mrs. Eften F. The Right Honorable Earl Fitzwilliam Dr. Fifher, Doctors' Commons A Friend Mr. F'awcett LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. Fielding, Efq. Barrifter at Law Francis Freeling, Eiq. General Poll Office Mr. Fox A Friend W. T. Fitzgerald, Efq. Upper Seymour-ftreet, Portman-fquare R. Frewen, Efq. The Rev. Brownlow Forde, L. L. D, 2 copies G. William Guy, Efq. Chicheftcr Mrs. Gardiner, Hampton Court Mr. Gout Ginnis, Efq. Barrifter at Law, Ireland Mrs. Grove, Z:nl's Houic, Mere, \V .tftitrc The Reverend Mr. Grove, Muc, vV.liftilre William Garrow, Efq. Barrifter at Law Captain Franc : s Galiini Edward Grubb, Efq. Great Queen-ftreet Mr. Henry Gapper, Heiitl-icige, Shurton, Dorfl-tfhire H. His Gra^e the Duke of Fat lion Lady Hoare, Barn-Elm-, Su iy Prince Hoare, Elq. The Reverend Mi. Hemiug, Chiche^er Tho-nas H lcro:t, E!q. % William Hay lev, E f j. i^arrlnm, SufT^x Thomas Harris, E;q, LJ abridge b ^ Mr. LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. Mr. Philip Humphreys, Bookfeller, Chichefter* 2 COj. 1CS Mr. Merrick Hoare Mr. Hugh Hoare The Reverend Mr. Hobion Mr Holman William Hoare, Efq. John HaLs Efq. I. The Right Honorable the Earl of Ikhefter The Honorable William Irby B. James, Efq. 2 copies Mrs. Jordan Wi'iiam J.)hnfon, Efq. Inner Temple Mrs. Jeffries, Ireland Mr. Johnfon Jones, Efq. Bloom fbury-fquare Mr. Jewell Iv.r. Inckdon K. Dr. Kennedy, Great Q^een-flreet Mr. Kemble Mr. Kirby, Bookfeller Mr. King Mr. K'ng, Jun. Mr Kelly Mr. Knight The LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. L. The Moft Noble the Marquis of Lothian Sir James Lake, Bart. Edmonton, Middlefex M. Lewis, Efq. Devonlhire Place M. G. Lewis, Eiq. M. P. for Hindon, Wilts Mifs Lowther Mefirs. Latouche, Bankers, Dublin Meffrs. Lee and Hurft, Bookfellers, Pater- nofler-row Mr. Longman, Cheapfide Mifs Leak Beckford Long, Efq. H. Lefanu, Efq. Dublin Mr. Lewis Mr. Longman, Bookfeller, Paternofter-rovr Mr. William Lane, Bookfeller, Leadenhall-flreet M. His Grace the Duke of Marlborough The Right Honorable the Earl of Miltovvn The Right Honorable Lady Mulgrave The Right Honorable Lord Mulgrave, 2 copies Mrs. Minchin, Bath Thomas Morton, Efq. Mr. Munden Mr. Motley, Porfmouth Moor, Efq. John Maddocks, Efq. William Maddocks, Efq. Mifs Mellon RuflU LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. Ruflel Manners, Eiq. Burlington-ftreet The Proprietors of the Monthly Mirror, 2 copies Mrs. Martyr ; Minier, Efq. Mrs. Mitchell Mr. Morgan Mrs. Mattocks Linus Macnally, Efq. Barrifter at Law, Ireland N. The Right Honorable Lady Vifcountefs Newark O. W. O'Brien, Efq. Stinsford, Dorfetmire Dennis O'Bryen, Efq. Craven-ftreet Lieutenant Orton, R. N. P. His Grace the Duke of Portland The Right Honorable the Earl of Pembroke The Honorable Colonel Phipps, M. P. for Scar- borough Mifs Pope Mrs. Parker, 2 copies Mr. James Parker, Efher, Surrey Mr. Pope, Half Moon-ftreet Mr. Perfecl, Surgeon, Wincanton, Somerfetfhire Mr. R. Palmer WalQi Porter, Efq. William LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. William Morton Pitt, Efq. M. P. for the county of Dorfet, Stinsford, Dorfetfliire Mr. Payne, Bookfeller, Mews-Gate Mrs. Powell Mr. Powell Percivai Potts, Efq. John Palmer, Efq. Bath William Henry Pejen, Efq. Portland Place Mr. Peake 0, Mr. Quick His Grace the Duke of Roxburgh The Honorable John Roper Frederick Reyulds, Efq. Mr. Reinhold Riley, Efq. R. A. Mr. Reeve Johnathan Raine, Efq. Barrifler at Law, Lincoln's Inn Mr. Ruffel Raine, Efq. S. The Right Honorable the Countefs of Shaftefbury The Right Honorable Earl Spencer William Shield, Efq. Berners-ftreet Mr. LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS* Mr. Simpfon Mr. Suett Thomas Sheldon, Efq. Tottenham-court- road Richard Sullivan, Efq. Thames Ditton, Surrey . . Mr. Stokes George Shum, Efq. M. P. for Honiton, Devon- (hire, Berry-hill, Dorking, Surrey George Stephens, Efq. Mr. Shaw Sir Robert Sali{bury, Bart. M. P. for the Town of Brecon; Llanwern, Monmouthfhire Peter Stuart, Efq. Charles Stuart, Efq. Mr. Sedgewicke John Sylvefter, Efq. Barrifter at Law Shepherd, Efq. Serjeant at Law T. The Right Honorable Lord Teynham John Taylor, Efq. Hatton Garden Mr. Tremeli Mr. Townmend The Reverend George Threnchard, L. L. D. Hen- den Houfe, Maidenhead, Berks Townfhend, Efq. Cleveland -court, St. James's Mr. Thring, Attorney at Law, Warminfton, Wilts Edward Taylor, Efq, Old Burlington-ftreet LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. V. Udney, Efq. Teddington, Middlefex Mrs. Vickery, Ireland The Reverend Dodor Vincent, Weftminfter w. Mrs. R. Walpole, Jun. Mrs. Weddeil Mrs. M. Ward Mr. Wathen Nathaniel Webb, Efq. Round-hill, Wincanton, So' merfetfhire Mrs. Wheeler Mr. Wheeler Mr. William Woodfall Mr. Whitfield Mr. Whyte, Dublin Mr. Wilkinfon Mr. Warburton. Mr. White, Book'feller, Fleet-ftreet Wickhara, Efq. Duke-ftreet, Weftminfter H. S. Woodfall, Efq. Mr. F. G. Waldron Mrs. Mary Wood Mr. T. Woodfall, 2 copies ft^~ Subfcribers whofe names, from difhnce of place, cou'd not be afcertained, and are here omitted, are refpe&fuiiy in- formed they ihall appear in the Second Edition. CONTENTS*. VOL. I, LIFE'S VAGARIES. ......... , 79 - THE CASTIJi OF ANDALUSIA. - - - - 1782 THE G: ENADIER. . . _ ,735, TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN 1772 THE POOR SOLDIER. 1782 MODERN ANTIQUES. 1789 SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 179 3 VOL. II. WILD OATS. 1791 THE WICKLOW MOUNTAINS. 1795 FONTAINEBLEAU. 1784 THE LITTLE HUNCHBACK. 1787 THE BASKET MAKER. 1789 THE BLACKSMITH OF ANTWERP. - - - 1788 THE POSITIVE MAN. - - - - 1784 VOL. III. THE TOY. - 178$ THE CZAR PETER. - 1789 THE LONDON HERMIT. 1793 THE IRISH MIMIC. 1795 TANTARA-RARA. - - - - ir83 THE BIRTH DAY. 1783 THE BEGGAR ON HORSEBACK. - - - - 1785 * A wifh that by chequering and contrafting the pieces, more variety might be given to the Reader, is the reafon jchey are not aranged according to the dates of their firil reprefentation. CONTENTS. VOL. IVi THE WORLD IN A VILLAGE. ----- 1?93 THE HIGHLAND REEL. , 7 88 THE MAGIC BANNER. 1796 THE FARMER. ,787 THE MAN MILLINER. 1787 THE PRISONER AT LARGE 1788 LOVE IN A CAMP*. 1785 THE DOLDRUM. 1796 * In the firft fcene of this piece the following eflential lines have by miftake been omitted. Darly. But Captain, what brought you into this foreign PfufTian land. Capt. P. Why Darby, as it was peace, I thought my paf- fing my time here in this excellent fchool of arms, might give me a better claim, even to half pay, than idly flaying at home to fhine the fluttering hero of a Hampftead Bali, or a Cork AJIembly. LIFE'S VAGARIES; OR, The NEGLECTED SOX. IN FIVE ACTS. PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-G ARDEN. IN 1795. VOL. I. PROLOGUE, WRITTEN BY JOHN TAYLOR, ESQ. AND SPOKEN BY MR.. MIDDLETOK. 'TIS ftrange that authors, who fo rarely find Their pray'rs can move an audience to be kind, Still fend, with piteous tone and look forlorn, The Prologue forth to deprecate your fcorn; Such doleful heralds, which would fain appear The timid Itruggles of a modeft fear, The furly Critic views with jealous fpleen, As the dull prefage of the coming fcene. In vain, the dread hoftility to calm, E'en potent Flatt'ry tries her foothing balm j Pity's a crime his lofty foul difdains And his pride feafts upon the poet's pains. Yet now no critic rancour need we fear, For lib'ral candour holds her empire here, Candour, who fcorns for little faults to pry, But looks on merits with a partial eye. And fure a bard whofe mufe fo oft has found The happy pow'r to kindle mirth around, Though, in her fportive moods, averfe to trace, The rigid forms of Adion, Time, and Place, While gen'rous objects animate her view, May Hill her gay luxuriant courfe purfue ; For, mid her whims, ihe ftill has ihewn the art, To prefs the USEFUL MORAL on the heart; With juft contempt the worthlefs to difcard, And deal to VIRTUE its deferv'd reward. So aim'd the bard * (if haply we may dare, Our humble fcenes with nobleft ftrains compare) The bard whofe favour'd mufe could joy afford, That eas'd the cares of Rome's Imperial Lord, Who in her fatire frolickfome and wild, Gave vice the deepeft wounds when raoft fhe fmiPd. * HORACE, a 2 PERSONS PERSONS OF THE DRAMA. Lord Torrendel, Mr. BERNARD, Arthur D'Aumerle, Mr. LEWIS. Sir Hans Burg efs, Mr. MUNDEX. Dickins, Mr. QUICK. George Burgefs, Mr. FAWCETT. Timolin, Mr. JOHNSTONS. L'CEillet, Mr. FARLEY. Robin Hoofs, Mr. TOWNSHEND. Robinfon, Mr. ABBOT. Thomas, Mr. SIMMONDS. Coachman, Mr. THOMSON. John, ., Mr. LEDGER. Conftable, , Mr. BLCRTON. Lady Torrendel, Mrs. POPE. Augufta, Mifs WAI, us. Fanny, Mrs. LEE. Mifs Clare, Mifs STUART. Landlady, Mrs. PLATT. TRADESMEN, and SERVANTS. SCENE, Suffix. L I FE's VAG A R I E S; OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. A C T L SCENE I. A Parlour in DICKINS'S; Break/aft laid. Enter SIR HANS BURGESS, and ROBIN HOOFS. SIR HANS. A'LL truft nothing to the errand cart, you muft bring up my own waggon j cuts fuch a figure ! a Gentleman's fine team ringing thro' a country town. Rtbin. Why it does make folks (tare. Sir H. There's the Duke's cart, Lord Mar- quifs's cart, and why not his Worihip's cart ? and on it written in capitals, ' Sir Hans Bur- gefs 1 Samphire Hall." A ride of feven miles, after breakfafting at eight as I have, is a kind of Whet ; but to find Major Talbot there over his breakfaft at eleven! Shameful! Eh, why here's anoihes LIFE'S VAGARIES ; another Breakfaft at (looks at his watch) twelve ! Scandalous ! Robin. Now you mention that Sir, don't forget, that Squire Miller invites you to dine with him to day. Sir H. Aye, his dinner hour is two ; you call and tell him, I'll wait on him. [Exit ROBIN.] I breakfaft at eight, Major Talbot at eleven, this little Shopkeeper at twelve, why a man in his rounds, according to the degrees of fafhion, may fwallow four or five breakfafts in a morning.- Ah, Dickins is quite fpoilt by a Lord's taking notice of him aping all the abfurd impertinence of fafliion ; an infignificant cur mongrel, fetting himfelf up for a greyhound. Enter DICKINS, in a morning gown, &c. tying his neckcloth, Jits. Dick. When one fups at the Caftle, no rifing next morning (yawns, not minding Sir Hans.} SirH. The Caftle J fup with Lord Vifcount Torrendel. Dick. His Lordmip would make me bumper it iaft night, toafting fuch bundles of his fine girls > J pon my foul I and Torrendel knock'd the bot- tle about rarely. How his Lordlhip flared at dinner when I hob nob'd him ; fays he, my dear Dickins, are you in earneft ? 'pon my foul, faid I my dear Torrendel I am, that's poz. I'm ufed to good old black port, and his Lordfliip's pink Burgundy has given me an immenie head-ach. No getting from him, he's fuch good company. (yawns.) SirH. Then I'm not even to be aiked to fit down? Dick. Sir Hans Burgefs! Oh, how do ye do ? Sir H. OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 7 Sir H. Well, this is good, a Gentleman comes to talk about bufmefs, and its " Oh, how do ye do." Dick. Bufmcfs ! true, I ride out with my Lord this morning. Sir H Pleafe, Sir, firft to ftep into your (hop, and weigh out the fugar and tobacco for my fer- vant, Robin Hoofs. Dick, (fifing) Sir, if you don't know how to behave as a parlour vifitor to me, as a cuftomer, walk into my mop, and wait there till you are ferv'd. Here John, take this perfon's orders. Weigh tobacco! as you are now Sir Hans Bur- gefs, I may yet be Sir Anthony Dickins ; I may be knighted for bringing up an addrefs. You made your money by a contract of hats, and an't I making mine by Sir H. Your country merchant mop of all forts. Dick. My banking-houfe, agencies, receiver- fhips, faclorihips Sir H. And coal-fhips. Now / have laid out my money in buying a fcope of land, and my grand hobby is to turn it into a faftii enable fea- bathing place. I have fuch a liberal mind to ac- commodate the publick, I built firft there a beautiful houfe- - Dick. For yourfelf. As my Lord fays, to ferve a man's felf, has been long the way of doing things for the public good. Sir H. I raifcd as pretty an hotel ! and the neat row of lodging-hoiiies ! Dick. But to give it a name, you muft get a few of us people of faihion down to it. Suppofe I fay to his Lordfhip, 'pon my foul Torrendel, now you mould take a houfe from my friend, Sir Hans., he's a good, honeft, itupid fort of a foul whv 8 LIFE'S VAGARIES; why then, fays my Lord, nay my dear Dickens, you are too fevere. Yes, perhaps I may prevail on Torrendel to take one of your new houfes. Sir H. Not fo much good in you, a pity, friend Dickens, my Lord can't admit you for an hour to his table, but it makes you fo faucy. Dick. Proud ! a proof my Lord ca'n't do with- out me. Sir //. Why you are fo clever that I will truft you, becaufe 1 ca'n't do without you. Dick. Very civil, (bows) Sir H. I came to confult you. You know I defign to beftow my ward Augufta Woodbine, with her whole fortune, on my fon George ; but I fear the report of her riches will bring all your flamy, high-titled gentry about her, then Dick. Ay ! then, indeed, (lie may be for de- fpifmg a fon of yours. Wa'n't Mifs Augufta ad9pted by her uncle on his difcarding his own daughter for a faux pas with fome man of faihion two and twenty years back ? Sir H. Devil's in your twenty years back ! how to bring my foil's marriage about now ? Dick. Make your ward think that her uncle has made a fecond will, and that ihe's not worth two-pence, then fhe'll be glad to fnap at your George. Sir H. Eh ! that's well, I expeft her to-day from London. According to that plan, it will jhew too much attention to go myfelf to meet her I'll let her down I'll fend any body will you go, my dear fellow ? Dick. Civil again ; (bows} its a doubt to me, if you know how to make a bow, Sir Hans; ha, ha, ha! this morning I, making my bow of leave to his Ludthip, Hiding back, ftumbled upon the poor OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. $ poor Chaplain's toe ; my Lud laughed ! S'death ! cries his Reverence, you've killed me ! Huzza, fays my Lud, then the parfon's dead, and has loft his living, ha, ha, ha ! Sir H. Then you are a retailer of his Lordfhip's jefts too. Dick. But to meet this Lady, I'll fend my daughter Fanny. Here me is. Enter FANNY, ft ops Jtiort, and makes a low curtefy. Why, Mifs, isn't this your fchool hour? Fanny. Yes, papa, but I've ftept home for a book; did you fee my Pleating Inftru6lorr (looks about.) Dick. My dear, you muft ftep over to the inn to receive Fanny. Lord ! papa, what would our Gover- nefs fay if a young Lady of her fchool was feen going into an inn ? befides its now my reading time ; then I have my embroidery ; then I mult practice my mufick j then fay my French leflon ; then the dancing -matter; then, papa [Exit, cowtefying. Sir Plans bows. Dick. I muft not take her from her accomplim-- ments I'll go, and in my way drop this parcel at my Lud's, a trivial thing, but was I to fend it, it would be, Eh, now, Dickins, why didn't you come yourfelf, my dear fellow ? always hap- py to fee you. Muft call, my Lord may think I'm getting proud, pride is fo contemptible. Sir H. So it is, I defpife it at this moment. Dick. Well, good bye. Sir H. Devil's in your good bye ! Introduce me now to Lord Torrendel. Dick. Why, I don't know, his Lordlhip fup- YOL. i. c port io LIFE'S VAGARIES; ports vaft dignity j but never mind, tho' he is ve- ry difficult of acceis, I'll introduce you, for my Lud fays, Dickins, I'll be glad to fee fome of your people j from my refpeft to you, you may command any fervice never mind their aukward want of breeding, if known to you. Sir Hans, I'll prefent you to my Lud; expect to fee all the importance of genuine old nobility; yet I'm of that confequence with him, that once prefented by me, his Lordfhip and you are hand and glove. [Exeitnf, SCENE II. ACbtmber in LORD TORRENDEL'S Enter LORD TORRENDEL, and L'CEiLLET, adjuft- ing his drefs. Lord Tor. Then you think, L'CEillet, Lady Torrendel is ftill in Cumberland. She is too good a wife I ufe her ill. L'CEillet. Oui ! mais, mi Lor, dat be de faute of la nature, vich did give your Lorfhip confti- tution galante, amoureufe Lord Tor. No interruption from my wife here, ha, ha, ha ! good deception this of mine, to make her believe I'm at Lifbon for the re-eflablimment uf my health j never was better in my life ! L'CEilfet. Your Lordfhip be robufle commc cuk; vid your fpindle (hank, (ctfidi) f ord Tor. Lady Torrendel, among the lakes, imagines that I am retir'd hither to this fcene of OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. n of darling pleafures; a doubt to me if fhe even knows I've flill a feat in this part of the country. She is truly amiable, her mind ftored with every delicate refinement, and for perfonal charms has few fuperiors; I like people fnould know fo fine a woman chofe me ; yes, (he feems the only per- fon unconfcious of her fhining qualities; but I cannot help my irrefiflible penchant for variety, (ringing without) I'm not at home; except it is the little girl, Dickins's daughter Fanny ! isn't her name Fanny ? an abfolute Cherub ! L'CEillet. Ah ! oui milor Fanny Dickins, Fan- ny Cherub ! Lord 'Tor. But living beauty cannot banim the fweet remembrance of Emily Woodbine. If her father hadn't difmherited her for coming off with me, and adopted his neice, I fhou'dn't now be troubled with this profligate boy of hef's, this Lord Arthur, as he calls himfelf prefumes as if my fon in real wedlock. My fitting him out for the Indies was doing very handfome for a chance child. L'CEillet. Milor, I did vid money, you give me, furnilh him fuperbement for voyage de mer; but he did make fuch a fabat affreux in de fhip, dat he vas turn'd out (afide) fo I did tell you j but your money I have fnug dans ma poche. Lord Tor. He's well enough, I hear, as to his perfon. L'CEillet. Oui ! il eft fait a peindre, 1'image of your lordfhip ! Lord Tor. But mad ! I'm abfolutely afraid of him. L'CEillet. Milor, here come de pretty girl. Lord Tor. L'CEillet ! how do 1 look this morn- ing ? candid now ! I always like the truth. c 2 LOEilkt, ii . LIFE'S VAGARIES; L'CEttlet. Den, en verite, milor, you look not above fifty, tho' you are a-quarter pad. Lord Tor. Fifty ! L'CEillet you are exceedingly coarfe. Enter FANNY. Ha, my charmer! Fanny. 'Pon my word, Sir, my Lord I mean, if you talk that way to me, I won't come here any more ; I didn't know you were in the room, or J fhouldn't have come in I afiure you, Sir, my Lord I mean. L'CEillet. Ah, perite badine. Mamfelle Fanny come purpofe t6 fee my Lor. Fanny. Monfieur, how can you fay that. Lord Tor. Do now, my love, declare and make me happy. Fanny. Then I only came becaufe Lord Tor. What, my angel ? L'CEiliet. Ah, pourquoi ? Fanny. Becaufe papa fays its a boyifh play, and all the rooms in our houfe are fo fmall, and you've fuch a fine long gallery here, and Jenny the houfe- keeper's daughter is fo fmart at he ! he ! he ! (produces battledores.} i Enter THOMAS, with fl parcel. L'CEillet. (fnatching it.) Va ten! (pujkes Urn ff.) . Lord Tcr. (breaks it open."} Oh, fome begging petition. How ! my Lady Torrendel's hand ! L'CEiilet do you read, and write fome confiftent anfwers ; date the letters froai Lifbon as ufual. L'CEillet. OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. jj L'CEillet. Wile you, milor, play de raquette vid Mifs Fanny. Fanny. What ! can you play, Sir, my Lord I mean ? Lord Tor. (ajide.) To win a girl one mud comply with all her childim follies. ( To LCEil- let) Say the fprain's not better can't lift my arm and all that, (takes a battledore.') Fanny. Ca'n't lift your arm! you flourifh it finely, Sir ; my Lord I mean. Lord Tor. Come, my love, (they play) VCEillet. Ah! bien tres bien ! [Exit, admiring. Enter Die KINS, and SIR HANS, who ftand amazed. Fanny. Oh ! my Lord, what a rare old beau the King won'd think you now, and if my papa was to fee me oh ! (feeing Dickens, runs, he Jlops her] Dick. So, this is your ! Enter WAITER. Waiter. Sir, the other gentleman is calling for you, and making a great noifc. Timclin. *z LIFE'S VAGARIES; T'imolin. Nolfe ! aye, that's quite himfelf. Then, Sir, this gentleman will wait on that gen- tleman, and that may happen to fave all the bot- tles and glaffes in your houfe. Walter. He has juft taken lodgings, at the jewellers over the way. Timolin. What may the price be ? Waiter. I think, they let them at three guineas a week: Timolin. (Whijlles y Waiter flares) Don't be frighten'd, it's only a little new tune I was hum- ming. Waiter. Sir, he defires his luggage to be brought to him. ( Ttmolin ajhamed, looking at the bundles, whiftles) Sir ! Timolin. What's the matter with you now ? luggage ! have you good ftrong porters here, and a big cart ? Waiter. For what, Sir ? Timolin. For hem ! only Sir I'm afraid our luggage will break down the landlady's ftair-cafe. " And there was three travellers travellers three." [Exeunt. Timolin, ftnging. END OF THE FIRST ACT. OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 23 ACT II.- SCENE I. Before LORD TORRENDEL'S Enter LORD TORRENDEL. LORD TORRENDEL. .N O, the phston : (calling of] I may fee this lit- tle girl in the evening, and after an hour on horfe- back; my limbs, not quire fo fupple, appear ra- ther older than fuch a yoang creature fhould think one; but, true I afked this Dickins to ride out with me to-day. One fliould hold thefe fort of people at arm's length, till we want to turn them into fome ufe. Enter TIMOLIN, who takes papers from bis pocket, and thrufts them into LORD TORRENDEL'J hand. Timolin. There ! now you have the whole kit of them. Lord Tor. Who are you, Sir? what's all this? bills i Timolin. Yes, and by my foul they're not bank bills, and that's the worft of them 3 and, they're not a* LIFE'S VAGARIES; not play bills, and that's the beft of them ; for there's not a gaming debt in the whole clufter. Lord Tor. But, friend, you Ihould have deli- vered them to my banker, Mr. Dickins. Timdin. A backer! he'll give me the money ! (joyfully'] by finding you fo good, oh ! huw you've ciifappointed me. (going} Lord Tor. Stop! (looks at bills) " Lord Torren- del, debtor, for goods delivered to Lord Arthur 5" who is Lord Arthur D'Aumerle ? Timolin. Now don't be in a pafiion, why, I am his fervant. Lord Tor. But who is he himfelf ? Timolin. Come, be aify my Lord, don't go to pretend to know nothing of your own child. Lord Tor. How dare any fellow aflume Lord Arthur ! Timolin. He has the honor of being your fon. Lord Tor. 'Tis falfe, Timolin. Well, he has no honor in being your fon, Will that content you. Lord Tor. A rafcal ! run about, contract debts, fend in his bills to me ! I won't pay a fhiliing to fave him from perdition. Timolin. Perdition ! fome new-fafhion'd name for the King's Bench. Enter GROOM. Groom. My Lord, am I to faddle the chefnut mare for Mr. Dickins ? he infifts upon having it. Lord Tor. Yes, yes, fcoundrel! (walks'). Groom. She coft your Lordfhip two hundred guineas j he's a bad rider, and if fhe fhould get any hurt Lord Tor. OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 25 Lord Tor. Don't trouble me with your quarrels. [Exit Groom. Timolin. Refufe his child a few pounds, a bit of beef, a feather bed, and a hat and a pair of (hoes, or fo; yet mounts a Mr. Dickins on a horfe coft 2oo guineas! Lord Tor. Can't keep within the allowance that Timolin. What allowance, My Lord ? Lrd Tcr. An extravagant Timolin. He is extravagant \ wicked; he's a devil ! but, it's all your fault, my Lord, as a fa- ther j not noticing and bringing him up with a fenfe of duty to hhnfelf and his neighbours. Call to mind how you loved his mother, and inveigled her from her friends, tho' you wasn't married to the poor unhappy lady, that doesn't make the child's little finger a bit lefs your fon. Lord Tor. Emily! (takes out his purfe) for her dear fake Timolin. Then blefiings on you ! befides, Lord Arthur is fuch a gay Lord Tor. Lord Arthur again ! not a guinea ! Timolin. And as like your lordfliip as a fpright- }y young buck is like an auld fhambling ba- boon.' (afide) Lord Tor. I know nothing about him. Timolin. Thefe they call gallantries, to bring a living creature into the world and then leave him like a wild beaft to prey upon fociety. {Lord Torrendel walks about enraged, 'fimolin following.} Now, my Lord, only fee him. Lord Tor. Begone. Timolin. I'll tell you what you'll drive him def- perate ; he'll do fome hellifh thing or other ; he'll commit a fuicide upon either himfelf or me, for, VOL. i. E when 26 LIFE'S VAGARIES. when once he thinks any thing, he immediately does it, without thinking at all about it. Lord Tor. Harkye, you fcoundrel ! ifl hear of your lord Arthur, or yourfelf, being feen about my door, I'll have you taken up. Timolin. Well, a fmall man taken up, does'nt cut fuch a pitiful figure, as a great man taken down. [Exit. Lord Tor. This eternal moment! [Exit difturbcd. Enter DICKINS, drejjed In an uniform of Hunt > and JOHN. Dickins. Yes, John, I think I'm very well equipp'd to ride out with my lord. "John. Well, fir, you had a hundred guineas fee with me, and the day may yet come, for my crof- fmg a hunter. Dickins. It may, John ; when I was 'prentice in Barbican, and like the houfe dog, flept in the fhop; promifed the watchman a pint, to roufe me, to go to the Eafter Epping Hunt; five a clock and a fine morning ! thump comes the pole againft the fhop door ; tingle, tingle, goes the little bell behind it; up ftaits me, from my bed under the counter; on with my buckfkin and jemmy jacket; jumps into my two boots; mounts my three and fixpenny nag ; but, firft I put my fpurs in my pocket ; hey off we go, thro' Hack- ney, Hammerton I faw the flag once, but then heard the hounds all the way ; find I've a fhort and a long ftirrup : difmount to put them even; forgetting to buckle the girt, down comes me, and the faddle at-top of me ; by this I was flung out ; but to prove I was in .at the death, prefents my kind miftrcfs OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 27 miftrefs with a piece of the ftag's horn, which horn fhe gives her hufband for a tobacco ftopper, with ah my dear hubby, I wifh you were as good a fportfman as your 'prentice Tony Dickins, ah he's the fmart fellow, ha ! ha ! ha ! and fo I was, and dem it fo I am ftill. John you needn't wait dinner, I fhall dine with Torrendel. [Exit John. Sir Hans ! curfe it, I can't be plagued with fuch a filly old fool now. Enter SIR HANS. Sir H. Hollo, Dickins ! fo you have feen my ward, Mifs Augufta. Dickins. Yes., yes, I have humbled her rarely, but pray don't delay me now, I'm engaged to ride out with my lord. I, and Torrendel., may firft take a turn or two down the Street, arm in arm, right fide, fo don't hide the flar ! my dear Hans don't flop to talk to me j if you've people with you, and you fhould bow, I'll return it. Re-enter LORD TORRENDEL. Lord Tor. Call himfelf my fon j keep fervants too. Dickins. Well, my lord, here I am : whip and fpur. Lrd Tor. Defire the porter not to admit either of them, (calls off) Sir H. Not admit either of us ! Dickins. Poh ! hold your tongue, (pujhivg him) My lud, I had a little head ache from our bout laft night ; you look vaftly well, but a little chevy will do us both good. 2 Lord Tor. 2$ LIFE'S VAGARIES, Lord Tor. Pray, Sir, what are you talking about ? Dickins. Why, my lord, you fent for me to Lord Tor. Poh ! poh ! man, I IhaVt ride out to-day. [Exit. Dickins. Go to the expence of drefling ! riew'd by every body in the town, walking out in my leathers, and Sir H. Why, Sir, you are equipp'd in your leathers. Dickins. Poh ! poh! man, I (ha'n't ride out to- day. [Exit. Sir H. And, pray, man, who cares whether you ride or walk ? big little nobody ! I'll introduce myfelf Gad's curfc ! a'n't I a Knight, and if I can effecT: this marriage with Augufta and my George Arthur. (Without) Timolin ! (Enters in flippers) Where's Timolin ? Sir, I afk pardon. My raf- cal dare loiter and had only to come and bring me a couple of hundred guineas from my father; I'll ice my lord myfelf. (rings violently at the gate) Sir H. Some young fellow of fafhion ! Arthur. I'm run out in flippers j all afleep here. Sir H. Yes, Sir, they were at a jovial party laft night j Mr. Dickins told me. Arthur. Who ? aye, my father keeps it up here, and I without the price of a bottle. Sir H. (afide) A little civility might make this Gentleman take lodgings at Samphire-hall. Arthur. So, I'm not to be let in ! then I'll have fome of you out. (rings) Sir H. Are you in this way, Sir ! ( offering fnuff- box, which Arthur dafies through a window.) the devil's OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 29 devil's in you, Sir ! what fort of mad trick's that, to knock a Gentleman's fnuff-box. \Exit. Enter a MAN, t&ifb Boots. Arthur. Whofe boots are thefe ? what do you afk for thefe boots ? Man. They are bought already, Sir, I'm bringing them home to my Lord Torrendel. Arthur * My, father -, (afide) you could make me a pair ? Man. Certainly, Sir. Arthur. Thefe are about my fize. (kicks flippers of, and -puts on the boots.) Man. Don't put them on, Sir, I can take your meafure. Arthur. My dear fellow, why fhould I give you that trouble, when here is a pair ready made? that fits, now this, the whole world is made up of this, that, and t'other, I have this, and that, and t'other I don't want, for two boots will do for me as well as fifty. Man. Lord, Sir, don't walk about in them, his lordfhip wo n't have them. Arthur. A paradox! his lordfhip cannot have them, and his Lordftiip has them already. Re-enter SIR HANS. Sir H. Onlvthe pebble knocked out of the lid! never faw fuch a ftrange Man. The boors aie now unfaleable, his lord- fhip wo'n't take them off my hands. Arthur. Nor off my lordfhip's feet. Sir H. Lord ! then I'll pocket my broken box. Man. They are two guineas, Sir. Aithur. 3 LIFE'S VAGARIES; Arthur, (to Sir Hans) Sir, I beg you a thoufand pardons for my inadvertency. Sir H. Inadvertency ! a man of rank, by not knowing what he does. Man. We never book fuch trifles, Sir. Arthur. Well then fet them down to me, to Lord Arthur D'Aumerle ; or, carry the Bill to my father ; or, Timolin will pay you ; or, any body will pay you ; or, John Bull will pay you ; honeft John pays for all. Man. I'll fee if the law wo'n't make you pay me. {Exit Man. Sir H. Sir, I prefume you are Lord Arthur D'Aumerle. Arthur. Right who are you ? (afide) oh ! Sir Hans Burgefs ! that old fool they were laughing at in the mop yonder I hear an immenfe cha- racter of you, Sir Hans. Sir H. Pray, my Lord, what do they fay of me ? Arthur. Ha! ha! ha! what I ca'n't fay to your face : that's my father's houfe. Sir H. Indeed! why we didn't know Lord Torrendel had a fon, Arthur. He doefn't like my coming about him he affects to be thought fo very young, to recommend him to the Ladies: you underltand me, Sir Hans ? Sir H. Not fee you ! he's a very unnatural fa- ther. Arthur. And yet I'm quite a natural fon. Enter THOMAS. . Sir, my Lord is very much alarm'd, and OR, THE NEGLECTED SOtf. 31 and begs you will not commit any more outrage, or attempt to fee him. Arthur. Did he give the money to my fervant ? Thomas. Why, Sir, I did fee his Lordfliips purfe Arthur. Then he has, my profound duty I afk his pardon, (exit Thomas} He's a tolerable father after all I'll now pay my debts and be a man again. Sir Hans. I wifh my fon had your fire. Arthur. You've a fon ? I'll ftiew him how to knock your cafh about ! Sir Hans. Good morning to you, Sir. (going} Arthur. Notfo, Sir Hans ! come and breakfaft. with me. Sir Hans. Two o'clock ! Why my dear Sir, I broke my fail fix hours ago. Enter ROBIN HOOFS. Robin H. Sir, here bes Squire Miller's man to tell you dinner bes on table. [Exit. Arthur. Pfha come and break fa ft with me. Sir Hans. But I'm going to dinner. Arthur. Well, you (hail have Hams, Tongues, Tea, Coffee, Chocolate, Anchovies, Eggs, and Rafhers. Come along Sir Hans. Ha, ha, ha! You hit my humour I'm very wife and cunning I'd do any thing to get money : but all only to fee my fon make a blaze. Arthur. Blaze ! a conflagration ! I have a ba- chelor's houfe that is, I lodge at the jeweller's yonder} I like to have things about me ; I've or- dered in wine's and relifhes I wane your opinion of a horfe IVe bought juft now. How I'll curve it 3 J LIFE'S VAGARIES; it before noble dad's door ! he fhall fee I can fper.d his money like a gentleman. Sir Hans. What a noble lad, I could never grt iny fon to buy a jack-afs. Arthur. Come, old hock's the word. [Exeunt. SCENE II. ARTHUR'S lodgings. 'New cloaths, linen, f addle, hat., &c. lying on chairs. Enter TIMOLIN. Timolin. Oh, melancholy is our new home here, I'd wifh to keep up my poor matter's fpirits, but he'll fee an empty pocket in my difmal counte- nance. If his papa had only given him as much as would have taken us back to London well, we have no debts to lay held on us in this town, however (fees the things) oh thunder and zounds! whats here; been fliopping on the ftrength of the expected money! Ordered in wine too ! Oh, ho, then not a cork (hall be drawn 'till it is paid for. (Locks the cupboard and takes the Key.) Arthur, (without) This way, Sir Hans. Oh, very well ma'am ; but where's my fervant? Timolin. Bringing company too ! Enter a Maid-fervant, with Tea-things, &c. Maid. Sir, your mafter is returned, and is bringing a gentleman to breakfaft. Tim- OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 33 Timolin. Inftead of a little civil bafon of tea, he has brought the whole Bedford Coffee-houfe about us! Enter ATLTHUR, rf/z^/.SiR HANS. Arthur. Pray Sir, walk in be feated fo we've touched ? (joyful) Timolin. Yes! we fhall be touched, (difmal) Arthur. Timolin, my friend here has break- fafted, fo get Sandwiches, and Old Hock. Timolin. Old Hock! I believe you're jumping out of your leather. Arthur. Ha! ha! ha! very well, Timolin. Sir Hans, that fellow's a treafure: but, when he does any thing clever, fuch as bringing a man a couple of hundred, it makes him fo pert Sir H. Yes ! my Lord, when once a fervant knows he's an honeft man, he begins to be an, impudent rafcal. Timolin. Poh ! what talk's that ! Was the de- vil bufy with you, Sir, to fend in all thefe new things from the tradefmen ? Arthur. Ha ! ha ! ha ! very well Timolin, the wine ! Sir Hans, I never drink in a morning, dem'd vulgar and unfamionable; but I know you old codgers ofPort-foken Ward. You're a Citizen, Sir Hans, I've heard of your gillings round the Royal Exchange. Sir H. Why if I drink in a morning, it makes me ftupid all day. Aithur. Oh, Sir Hans, impoffible to make you ftupid. SirH. Sir. (bows) Arthur. Come Timolin, unlock. VOL. i. F Tun. 34 LIFE'S VAGARIES ; Indeed I wont. Arthur. No! Sir Hans, this is the fecret hiftory of Old Hock, (pointing to the cupboard) and this (touching his leg) is the key to it. (Burfts the door* and brings out wine.} Timolin. Broke open the cupboard Oh, he'll get us both hanged. Arthur. Sir Hans, without expedient a man's nothing. Sir H. You and your fervant, my Lord, put one in mind of a couple of ghofts. You are all fpirit, and he is no body ha ! ha ! ha ! Arthur. Bravo! Timolin. My Lord, let me fend thefe things back to the honeft people. Arthur. Send yourfelf out of the room. limolin. Only hear me. Arthur: I'll give you fuch a beating. Timolin. Well, fo you do but hear me, beat me as long as you like. Arthur. Lay the money upon my bureau and go to the devil; (Puts him cut} The fellow is fo puffed with doing a petty fervice Give me leave to Hand Lady, aod make tea for you. Sir H. My Lord, I hope for the honour of feeing you down at Samphire Hall, an infant fcheme, merely for the health and convenience of the gentry in this part of the country. I've converted a naked beech into as commodious a lea-bathing place Arthur. Then your principle object is Sir H. The main ocean ! Arthur. Pfha! you want to eftablifh it into a fafhion ? Its done, I'll be feen there upon your ftein or efplanacle ; my phyfician {hall recom- mend all his patients from JBrompton, and Pad- dington j OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 35 dingdon ; a variety of gambling tabbies, ho- nourable black legs, and rickety children. SirH. I'll defer ibe to your Lordfhip, exactly this fituation of mine. Here, fuppofe the edge of this Tea-board is the beach, the top of the Coffee-pot, here rifes the look out Arthur. Yes Sir, this is the pour-out. (Over- flows Sir Hans' 's cup.) SirH. Then Sir, here's the Seaeh! I'm fcalded ! Arthur. Aye Sir, the fcalding tea. Sir H. Thefe cups are one of the Rows of Lodging-houfes, this Sugar-bafon, the Chapel and my Houfe Arthur. Yes, yes, thefweeteft place for your- felf. Sir H. The Saucers are too large, to mew you the arrangement of the Machines ; but, how- ever, fuppofe each of thcfe Guineas a Houfe. (Takes out his Purfe, and arranges Guineas.'] Arthur. A Guinea a Houfe ! very cheap, I'll bring all my Friends. Sir H. Ha! ha ! ha ! a pleafant joke ! Arthur. And here's the cream of the jeft. (Dafies Cream over Sir Hans.) Ha ! ha ! ha! This is a moft fociable Breakfaft. Re-enter TIMOLIN, with THOMAS. Timolin. You told him ! then untell him j for he won't hear me at all at all. Arthur. There again ! then, dam'me ! now you mail bring me fome brawn and ancho- vies. F 2 ft- 3 6 LIFE'S VAGARIES; Timolin. Now don't make quite a kiikawn of yourfelf. Thomas. Sir, I thought when I told you that my Lord's pui fe Arthur. Yes ! I'm grateful for good news, here, (puts bis hand on his pocket} Not at home all abroad, (fnatcbes a few guineas from the table, and gives them to Thomas.} Sir H. But my Lord, my guineas. Arthur. Yes, Sir, a guinea a houfe, neat cot- tage, ftable for fix horfes, coach-houfe, gardens before and behind, pantheon ftoves, Adelphi windows, geometrical cork-fcrew flair-cafe, kitchen on ground-floor, and fine profpecl from attic ftory. Sir H. Bravo ! capital for my advertifement. Arthur. Here's I'll reward you. (taking the guineas} Sir H. Stop, you've given him lodging-houfes enough, here my honeft fellow is the look-out for you. (gives the Coffee-pot} Arthur. Ha, ha, ha! true citizen, fharp look- out on the guineas. Tom you mail have a bot- tle, (gives him one and places him at table. Timo- lin flares, then runs to take it from him.} What ! don't be quite fo bufy, fit ftill. (to Thomas] You march, (fujhes Timolin out}. Sir Hans, Ti- molin will pay you your guineas. Sir H. What a fine model for my fon ! Come, my Lord, HI give you a patriotic toad Here's fuccefs to all my undertakings. Arthur. Patriotic and difinterefted indeed, Sir Hans! here's Thomas. Succefs to my undertakings! Arthur. Right, little pigeon finifh your bot- tle by yourfelf, and, if you quarrel with your com- OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 37 company, I'll kick you both out of the room. Have you advertifed this place at Samphire-hall? Sir H. I fancy advertifing might make it bet- ter known ; for newfpapers are a fort of thing that's read. Arthur. Why, yes, Sir Hans, people do read newfpapers; how the deuce did you find out that? Come, Til draw you up a flourifhing ad- vertifement. Sir H. I employed a famous auctioneer to draw- up one forme, (takes a paper and perufes] Mind how he defcribes the beauties u To the right, the bold cliffs and high bluff heads at the foot, Sir Hans has built an elegant ftrait row of houfes, called the Crefcent" Eh! that's very foolifh. Arthur. Why, yes! your crefcent is a little in the full moon order, ha, ha, ha ! no no, I'll try at it. (gets fen and ink.) Enter TIMOLIN, walks about with his arms folded. What do you mean by walking in here with your executioner's face ? Timolin. Well, I didn't run in debt for my face. Step in here, all of you. Enter fever a I Trades-people. i ft Man. Sir, the horfe you bought I'll be fatisfied with a draught on Mr. Dickins, our banker, for the 50 guineas. 2d Man. Neigh oours, your goods are unda- znaged; but, I infift on being paid for my boots. Arthur. Timolin ! Timolin. Oh ! I know nothing at all about it. Arthur. % LIFE'S VAGARIES; Arthur. Pay the people this moment. Timoliti. With what ? Arthur. What! the two hundred my father gave you. fimolin. He didn't give me a Manx rap half- penny. Arthur. No! why, I thought by Heavens! I'll get into the houfe myfelf. Sir H. (rifmg) Oh ! my Lord, a thought ftrikes me of great confequence, in the prelect cafe. Arthur. Well Sir quick ? Sir H. That here, inftead of curlews, he Ihould have faid fea-gulls. (looking at paper.) Arthur. Damn your fea-gulls, Sir ! fee a no- bleman baited, by a parcel of mechanical Timclin. There's all your goods for you again what more do you want ? (they take up all their fever al goods.) Arthur. Every one of you, lay down my pro- perty this moment, in the very fpot from whence you took it. I'll pay you the firft money I re- ceive ; but now, begone, or I'll murder you. Timolin. Go good people, whatever he fays he'll do. Thomas. Here's gaiety and innocence! (drinks) Arthur. True, it was you who told me firft, that the money I'll make you gay, you inno- cent dog. (whips him off) Sir H. Oh ! what a model for my fon. (Ar- thur gives him aftroke.) (JLxeunt. SCENE OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 59 SCENE III. .A Gallery in LORD To R REN DEL 's bung with -wick length Piftures of Wmen. Enter LORD TORRENDEL, and L r (EiLL2T. "Lord Tor. So very lovely ? L'CEittet. Une beaute eel eft e ! et pauvre poor, derfore no danger from relations. So, my Lord, think no more of the rich mechanic Dick- ins's daughter. Lord Tor. Why, their fturdy Citizens may be troublefome ; but you fay this young Lady is coming with Fanny to fee my pictures. L'CEillet. Oui, my Lor. Enter FANNY. Fanny. This way, Mifs Augufta. Lord Tor. L'CEillet! (winks, exit L'CEillet.) well, you have brought your new friend, to fee my paintings ? Fanny. Oh yes, Sir, my Lord I mean, but I didn't think you'd be in the way. Lord Tor, Don't let her be alarmed at my pre- fence. Fanny. Oh true, I'm not to let out you are a Lord? Lord Tor. Fanny ! I mould like to have your picture here. Fanny. No, my Lord, fure you woudn't? Lord Tor. And you fliall have mine for a locket. Fanny. You think me a filly girl, but I know enough, never to give tokens, or accept prefents, but jf> LIFE'S VAGARIES; but from my papa, and one befides, a certain not an old Lord ! l)ut a young man. As my new fong fays, Al& Fanny. Lafles all are fimple, So the wife one's fay : Caught by blufli or dimple, Who is filly pray ? The ribband, and the ftar, One fmile brings on a par, With ruftic maid, in her ftockings blue: Squeezing the hand, is the lafles cue. For ting, ting, ting, ting, I can dance, and fmg, (Step Minuet.) IL When the boy \ve fancy Jolly comes to woo : Lady gay or Nancy. All know what to do. Tho' mantling cheek denie~, And language of the eyes, When the tongue gives you words unkind, Take in her filence the lafTes mind. With our ting, ting, ting, I can dance and fing. ($uick Step.) Re-enter L'OIILLET. L'GEillet. Here, my Lord, be de beaute Lady. Fanny. What a monkey you are, I don't know what you mean, by making fo much of my go- vernefs. Enter AUGUSTA. Augiifta. Oh, are you here Fanny, the pidures in that room are fo fafcinating. Lord Tor. OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 41 Lord Tor. L'CEillet has good rafte, fhe's a love- ly creature; (bows) fervant ma'am. Augv.ftz, Sir! (curt eft es) Fnnny. .Mifs ! never mind this old gentleman, he's only the houfe fteward. Lord 'Tor. Old ! Augujla. (looking round) Somethiag in the man- ner of the beauties at Hampton Court true, I've been told what he is. Fanny. What do they fay of my Lord? he, he, he! fhe's going to abufe you. (apart) Augujla. Fancy habits, or drawn in their real characters ? Lord Tor. Both, madam, they are Ladies that his Lord {hip's heart has at times been devoted to. Attgujl . And his Lordfhip, I prefume, has flattered himfelf into the idea, that he was at times in pofleffion of their hearts. (Lord Torrendel bows.) Fanny. Now, what do you bow for ? Mifs wasn't fpeakingof you, Mr. Old Steward. Augujla. I was told he's very vain. Fanny. Yes ! he's quite a conceited figure, and as grey as a badger isn't he, Mr. Old Steward ? (apart) I faid (he'd abufe you. Augujla. What a fweet expreflion in that coun- tenance ! (pointing to a piffure) Lord Tor. Her lofs, madam, makes a chafm in his Lordfhip's heart, never to be filled but by a face, the lovely emblem of this collected group of charms, (bows t her) That is Mifs Emily Wood- bine. Augujla. My coufin ! then am I in the houfe of her bale deftroyer ! Lord Tor. What's the matter Madarn ? Augujla. Not much, Sir, I'm not very well. VOL. i. G Come, 42 LIFE'S VAGARIES; Come, Fanny! a ftar ! heavens! have I been talking to Lord Tor. Stay, my divine girl ! Augufta. My Lord, it ill becomes my youth, and humble life, to offer admonition, where age fhould be the monitor of inexperience j and exalt- ed rank only illuftrious in virtuous example. The veil of delicacy drops between my mind and tongue I cannot fay what I think you : but the bitter reproach will yet reach your heart, when your only hope lies in pardon for a bad life, from, perhaps, a too late repentance. [Exit. Fanny. What, has my governefs run away! why Mils! Mifs! [Exit. Lord Tor. Her words have peirc'd me but I muft have her the only being worthy to fupply the place of my loft Emily, and banifh all other purfuits from my mind ; from her good fenfe I (hall enjoy rational Ibciety and from her beauty .yes, L'CEillet muft finifh, what he has fo well begun. [Exit. Enter THOMAS and ROBINSON. Robinfon. But how can 1 help this crazy Lord's getting in. Thomas. You never ftrove to help it, you're a rare porter for a Nobleman ! Walk away from the Lodge leave the door open, and let people in that my lord has ordered to be kept our. Robinfon. Well, for my part, I couldn't fee that any body had a greater right than a child, to come into his father's houfe. Thomas. A blefTed babe this ! he treated me with a bottle of wine juft now, but by the Harry he made my back day the reckoning, Arthur. OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 43 Arthur, (without} Pack of icoundrels ! Thomas. Aye there he is running from room to room. What a row we lhall have, I'll keep out of the fcrape however. [Exit. Enter ARTHUR. Arthur. Prevent a dutiful fon from feeing his honor'd parent! where's my father? Robinfon. Why Sir, my Lord is within that's certain ; I'm the porter, and I'm afraid I (hall get at the wrong fide of the door, for letting you in. Arthur. Indeed ' you're not fit for a great man's porter you're too honeft when a poor man comes to his gate, your hand upon the churlifh key obeys the voice of pity begone ! you (hall live with me you lhall be my Almoner, and dif- tribute my whole roafted oxen, and buts of ale you fhall give away a couple of thoufand a year when I get them but its dangerous for you to know me now. Go. [Exit Robinfon. Yes, oh by heaven my father fhall fee me, I'll convince him I'm a good boy and I will be his comfort, and, though he commands me to be gone, I'll flay with him to prove my obedience. What a pity that the omiflion of faying a few words, before I was born, ihould prevent me from being lawful heir to this callle ! perhaps the pride of my father ! the darling of the tenants ! favour- ite of the neighbours, and friend to the poor I now, a wretched outcaft, fhunned like a faya.ge, foe to mankind, and man at enmity with me I no eftablifhment ! profefiion ! friend, or character, no gentle word, no complacent fmile, every tongue is the vehicle of coarfe reproach, and G 2 ever 44 LIFE's VAGARIES ; every face meets me with a chilling frown. Oh ! my father, where are vou ? (looks round ivith grief} do not fhun me, I'll kneel, till you fpurn ire from you that face ! (looks at a pifturi) it is my mother. I heard of his lordfhip's gallery of beauties quite an exhibition for every flarer : but my dear mother fhall no more be difhonour- ed, by making one in this unhappy collection no, by heavens! her misfortunes fhall be no longer the topic, for the fneering comments of vulgarity and ill nature, (lifts the pifture down} Timolin ! why don't you come up ? Timolin ! Enter LORD TORRENDEL, and L'CEiLLET. Lord Tor. What uproar is this in my houfe ? LCEillet. Sacriftie ! by dis meeting milor will find out, I did keep all de money, he did give me for his fon's fupport. Lord Tor. Have you any bufmefs with me, Sir? who are you ? Arthur, (foils on bis knee, and points to piflure) Sir, this was my mother. (Lord Torrendd looks at bothy puts his handkerchief to his eyes.} L'CEillet. Diantre! he is foftened, and I am ruined milor, here be Mifs Augufta in de hall ftil!. (apart) Lord Tsr. Begone ! (pujherhim off angrily) walks Jlo-wly and then turns) My fon, the child of Emi- ly ! [Exit in great erne '. 'on. Arthur. This our firft irteivcw fmce my in- fancy ! my father not to fpeak to me ! now where to turn I think I have fome honour but I have wrong'd the induftiious traek'fmm what mull tht-v think of me? fo fanguine in my hope ' all bkllcd by this father's cruelly he is cruel, thus OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 45 thus to abandon me to the horrors of contempt, fbame, and poverty. Many have been banifhed their country for what I have done I deferve it- it may come to that. Diftradion \ Oh? my fa- ther, hear, fave me- 1 no, no, no! he's deaf to the voice of nature. Now the florm's up, and let it blow me as it will. Enter TIMOLIN. Timolin. Well, and you faw your papa ? (joy* fully) Arthur. Take that picture to my lodgings- farewell father. (Calling off at thejide y turns tender- ly to the piflure,) Ch ! my mother, (burfts into tears) [Exeunt. Timolin with tbe fifture. END OF THE SECOND ACT, LIFE'* VAGARIES; ACT III. SCENE I. A Street. Enter SIR HANS BURGESS. SIR HANS. a fine dafhing fellow into their prifons for hats and (hoe buckles! Sha'n't. What a bright model this Arthur for my fon George ! yet if he had but life and foul to fhew it, George is a compleat and finiih'd pattern for moft of our young men. I don't know any one thing that my boy is not perfedt mafter of, mufic, dancing, fencing, languages, a magazine of accomplifh- ments: fet him to country Iports, he excels every body ; he's as keen as an attorney, has the courage of a maftiff, generous as the Man of Kofs ! but hang it, all his fhining qualities cloud- ed by want of ipirit to dafh 1 Oh, if I could but fee him a bold free dalher ! Enter OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 47 Enter ROBIN HOOFS. ?/. Sir, who fhould pafs me juft now but the young fquire. Sir H. What, my fon George whifk'd by you in a phseton ? a chaife and four ? a tandem ? Enter GEORGE BURGESS. George, why, what the devil's this fort of figure ? George. Sir, how are you? (calmly) Sir H. Spare no expence for you to appear like a prince ; give you money to flafh in a Ihining tour, to be here and there, before any body can tell where you are, and when I expected you to come, tearing up the pavement, in a phaeton as high as the clouds, over chickens, old women, and pigs, all the people jumping out of the way, with huzza for the young Squire, here you fneak into town, limping like a lame Highlander on a march, covered with duft as if you had been danc- ing in a canniiler of Scotch fntiff. 'Sblood, Sir ! what do you mean by this behaviour ? George. Sir, on my leaving home you gave me a five hundred pound note, and fix guineas; there's your note I've ftill one pound five and feven-pence in bank, (touching his pocket.} Sir H. Devil's in you and your feven-pence ! I wifh you were both in the flocks you pitiful cur. Damn me if I havn't a mind to difmherit you, and adopt Robin Hoofs. Robin, go to the Rofe inn, and befpeak the beft dinner they can pro- vide for I and George and the gallant Arthur, if we can find him. [Exit Robin H. George. 4 3 LIFE'S VAGARIES; George. Why, Sir, I am a little hungry, (takes Jomething from his pocket.) Sir H. By the Lord ! a fon of mine knawing a cruft in the open ftreet! George. Sir, as I paid for it at the laft alehoufe where I fupp'd Sir H. Supp'd at an alehoufe ! George. Yes, Sir, a neat little place, fign of the Gcat in Boots. Sir H. And perhaps fome of my friends, in their coaches, faw you ? George. Yes, Sir, Lady Beechgrove, and the two Mifs Sandfords, drove by in a coach and four; they didn't fee me at firft, but I faluted them. Sir H. Salute ladies from the Goat in Boots ! Where did your noble honour dine ? (ironical) George. Sat upon the mile-ftone this fide Salif- bury. (&V Hans flares. ) Sir, I had no occafion to fhut myfelf from the open air, as J had a cou- ple of hard eggs in my pocket. Sir H. And I fuppofe you brought fait in your pocket ? George. Yes, Sir, and a* penny roll. Sir H. His penny 'roll has choak'd me ! and where did your honour take your bottle? (bows ironical.} George. True, Sir, I flipp'd off the bank into the river, as I was getting a little water in the brim of my hat. Sir H. The devil take them that took you out again .* George. Father, the walking got me an appetite; after my repaft, I was neither dry nor hungry ; I drank no wine j but then I was free from an head- ache, OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 49 ache, and, without mixing in company, my heart was chearful. Sir H. (afide) This gay Arthur will make him another thing. But Dickins will have the con- ftables after him. George, you'll give me what information you've picked up in your tour ; how they manage their machines and lodging houfes ; what they do, and what they don't do, that I may know what I ought to do. George. Ca'n't make up that other fix-pence oh ! the halfpenny to the boy for opening the gate ! Sir H. Dem the boy ; come polifh yourfelf up a little, my ward Mifs Augufta Woodbine's come from London, and I've a certain reafon for her thinking well of you. If (he mould fee you fo {takes an handkerchief, and whi/ks the dujl off] fuch an appearance, by the Lord feems as eafy and fatisfied, as if dreft for a ball. Can nothing make you amamed ? George. I'll take care to do nothing that can make me aihamed. Sir H. Here's the Lady I'll try what efTecl an accidental meeting may have. Now to know what they have done with the gay Arthur ! [Exit. George. I fear I've loft my clothes brufli. Enter FANNY. Fanny. Blefs me ! where can (he be ? if me has run home, and told papa, I mall have it in itile. George. Fanny ! how do you do, my love ? Fannv. My dear George ! when did you come ? Lord ! I'm fo glad ' George. You look as charming as ever. VOL. i. H Fanny jo LIFE'S VAGARIES; Fanny. Thank') e ; but, upon my word, you don't look fo charming. George. I iliould make myfelf a little decent. Fanny. Then run home, and change your drefs. George. Oh, no occafion, I've my clothes- brufh in my pocket, (retires, brujliing his coat.) Enter AUGUSTA. Fanny. Oh ! governefs, I've been running about after you. Augujla. What could induce you to bring me into Lord Torrendel's houfe r fure you know that he is a very dangerous character. Fanny. Lord, its no fuch thing, who could have told you that? his Lordlhip has no more pride! he's not afham'd at making one in a game of romps, even with his own fervant maids. Augujla. Ah, Fanny, when our fuperiors of the other fex condefcend to affability, inftead of exalting, it is for the purpofe of degrading us to a ftate of the moft pitiable humiliation. Fanny. Now don't be angry with me, I'll in- troduce you to GEORGE advances. Augujla. Oh, no more ot your introductions., pray. Fanny. I will, tho' ; Mifs Auqufta, this is Augufta. A Mr. young Steward, I fuppofe. Fanny. Ha, ha, ha ! George you don't know what we're laughing at' (apart) Mils, don't go tell him that I play at ihuttlecock with my Lord in the great gallery. Augujla. A piece of his lordfliip's condefcenfion I didn't OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 51 I didn't know before. My guardian's fon, I pre- fume. George. The defcription of Mifs Augufla Wood- bine falls fhort of what I have the happinefs to behold, (bows) , Fanny. There I told you he was a frnart fellow fometimes. Come, George, - you mall be our chaperon about the town, but you are an odd- looking beau. George. I'll attend you on your rambles Ma- dam Fanny will, you honour my arm. [Fanny fakes his arm. Enter ARTHUR. Arthur . Ha ! odds. Madam, my arm is at your fervicc. (to Augujla.) Augufia. Do you know this Gentleman? (to Fanny.) Enter a Man with fruit. Fanny. Lord, true, this is Aflembly night. Man. Gentlemen, treat the Ladies. George. The Ladies don't want mall we walk r Arthur. Quite a hound I ha! neSlarines fo ear- ly ! Madam, (offering fi uit>) Man. Six are a guinea. Arthur. There ! (gives money.) Augujla. Oh ! Sir, by no means. George. Mifs, an apple Fanny ! (offering) Arthur. Thefe are Angels, not Eves, to be tempted by yonr paltry pippins, (knocks them about.) George. Sir, what d'ye mean ? (angry) H 2 Enter 52 LIFE'S VAGARIES ; Enter a Woman and Child. Woman. Good Gentlemen and Ladies, I've a fick hufband lying in prifon. George. For debt? what is it? (apart) Woman. Above eighteen {hillings. George, (loud] Pray go don't teize people ; their diftrefs is only the confequence of idlenefs. I'd never encourage beggars there, go (gives money apart.} plaguing one. Woman. Sir, it's a guinea ! George. Well, don't trouble one now. (loud) Get your hufband out of prifon, and comfort your ch ild . (apart ; Jlngs carelefsly, and puts them off. ) Augujla. What's this? Fanny. Blefs you, governefs, he is always do- ing thefe kind of things. He'd grudge himfelf a penny cheefecake, yet maintains and clothes half the poor round ; he's king of a fmall ifland near his father's feat, who is fuch a ftingy old curmudgeon. Arthur. What a pitiful fcoundrel am I. My guinea nectarines, and little penny-worth of pippins, with the benevolent heart of a god! Sir, if I dare beg the honour of your acquaintance I haven't a card, but I'm over at George. Sir, I'll put down your addrefs ; (takes out his pencil) points broke (takes out pert-knife} cutting it away waftes (puts up both} Oh, Sir, I'll remember/ Fanny. What fignifies your bowing there? come and pay fome attention to me. Arthur, (looking at Augujla. ) How charming ! what a block am I, talking half an hour to a lady, and never look at her! Augujla. OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 53 Augu/ta. Fanny, we muft be walking -towards your papa's. Fanny. But you hav'n't feen our ball-room here. Arthur. Ball-room ! Ladies, do you know I'm a moft capital dancing-mafter ? harkye, my worthy friend, a word. George. Oh i Sir, as many as you ^"pleafe. \Exeunt. Fanny. Lord ! that rattle there has dragged George up into the Affembly-room ; I hope its not to fight if he goes to fight, George will kill him. (a fiddle heard above.) That's he! I know his fweet little finger. Augufta. What an aftonifhing refemblance ! Fanny, did you ever fee any likenefs of this ftrange gentleman ? Fanny. Ah ! the image of Mifs Woodbine's picture ! its Lord TorrendeFs great boy. Augufta. The neglefted fon of my unhappy goufm ! Enter TIMOLIN. Timolin. To drive him in forrow from his doors! my poor matter now is funk in grief and woe. Arthur, (without) Bravo ! (enters finging) La- dies, 'pon my word, my friend is an excellent ftick ; his refpe6ts to you, Mifs, and my moil humble adoration to you, Madam, we'll have a little dance above. Augujla. Oh, Sir ! no, no ! come Fanny. Fanny. Lud! it would be fine fun, governefs don't you fee how cloudy it gets; I'm lure there will be a mower, and if I walk thro' the rain, you, as my governefs, ought to be very angry with me. Arthur. 54. LIFE'S VAGARIES; Arthur. Fye, Ma'am, wou'd you fpoil your drefs ? we (hall have a dafhing fhower. [Fanny holds out her band. Augufla. No, indeed ! come Fanny. Arthur. You, Sir, where's my mother ? Timolin. With your father. I left the picture in the porter's lodge; for the Frenchman has turn'd away the porter for letting you ia. Arthur. Go back, and bring it to my lodgings, or I'll maffacre you. (a fiddle heard without) we'll be with you, boy. Fanny. But, Sir, as that young man plays, where's my partner ? Arthur. I'll whiflle, fing, and dance, all in a breath, (puts an arm round each, and runs /;/.) Timolin. (wJriftlcs} A pity that Chriftians hav'n't a laughing and crying fide to their faces ; for in a comfortable fit of forrow, up ftarts fomething to give us an he. he, he ! and when the mouth's opened for a grin, up goes the finger in the eye with an ho, ho, ho ! but my face muft take the humour and fortunes of my mafter ; in the road of life the fmall muft follow the great, and that's the reafon the big coach-wheel runs after the little one. [Exit. SCENE II. The Inn. Enter LANDLADY, introducing LADY TORRENDEL, and. Miss CLARE. Laud'ady . Won't you pleafe to reft, Ma'am ? L/idy Ttr. I thank you, but fo long fhut up in a OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 55 a carriage, one fhould reft walking. Mifs Clare, will you be fb kind as to afk the footman if I've left my memorandum-book in the coach ? (exit Mifs Clare) Some handfome equipages about here! have you many gentry in the town ? Landlady. Oh, yes Ma'am, we've a Lord, and Knight, and a power of Squires. Re-enter Miss CLARE. Mifs Clare. Here, Ma'am, is the book. Lady Tor. Oh! I thank you. Landlady, I'll haften the horfes. [Exit. Lady Tor. My Lord had a feat in this part of the country, and I think a banking agent of his lives in this town, (looks in the book) Mr. Dickins, yes, very true. Mifs Clare. This feems a charming place, my Lady! Lady Tor. It is ! I wim my Lord hadn't part- ed with it ! the caftle and its delightful environs were the tranquil fcenes of my moft happy hours! after marriage our firft years were pafs'd here, and tho' there was title on his fide, and great wealth on mine, yet ours was not a match of fafliion ! neither ambition on my part, or (I think) avarice on his ; very young to be fure, but then I was a little philosopher, tho' bred in the full brilliant certainty of every dazzling joy that riches cou'd beftow, yet my fight was proof againft the glare of fplendor. My Lord was gay, accomplish 'd, and the generoiity of a youthful mind repell'd ail idea of advantage in our union. Mifs Clare. Ah, Madam ! any Gentleman muft think himfeif pofTeis'd of every advantage in a union with your Lady (hip. Lady 56 LIFE'S VAGARIES; Lady "Tor. I with I had myfelf gone to Lifbon with my Lord j this journey feems fo tedious, and then the uncertainty of the feas ; thro' his indifpofition he may want that tender cordiality, his claim from me ; I'm all anxiety to proceed. Enter COACHMAN. Coachman. Madam the horfes are too, but docs your Ladyfliip know my Lord's here ? Lady Tor. Here ! how ! what do you mean ? Coachman. In this very town my Lady, I met cur old Martha. Lady Tor. Impofiible ! return'd to England ! fomething very myfterious Dick, (without) Well, what is it ? ' L'CEillet. (witbeut) I cannot talk my Lor's bu- iinefs in public entre. Lady Ttr. Eh, why fure that is my Lord's valet. Mifs Clare. It certainly is, Madam. Lady Tor. Hufh, ftep this way, Heavens ! oh, my heart well Martha you fay tell me (agi- tated). [Exeunt. Enter DICKINS and L'CEiLLET. Dick. Really, fince my Lord's lofty conduct to me, I fliall give up his affairs. I've my agen- cies, and my bank to mind. L'CEillet. Bank! vat! de little till in your boutique ? you had better fend challenge to mi Lor twell and puff! ina foi! c'eft comique ca ! let mi Lor take his money out of your bank, den vat is your bladder of confequence. Dick. 'Sbloocl I don't want any body to take their money out of mv bank. I'GE/Y- OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 57 VCEillet. Here be a frefh pacquet of letters. Dick. Which I am to forward, as ufual, to Lady Torrendel in Cumberland. L'CEllht. I have date 'em, fo as to make mi Lady believe my Lor ftill at Lilbon. Dick. To keep the unfufpecling wife cool amongft the lakes there, whilil the gallant huf- band enjoys his rofe-buds in his pleafure grounds here. L'CEillet. Mi Lor, to fpare himfelf from wri- ting, ftill finefle de fprain hand, and trouble me vid de vife fo dere I ave writ dat whole bundle for her at vonce. I ave upon my mind des af- faires d'importance to get de pretty girl for mi Lor. Dick. And I, as a magiftrate, have to fend this young dog to prifon, who has been taking up the tradefmen's goods. LCEillet. Magiftrate ! fi done ! petit bourgeois you huff abaut pah ! [Exit. Dick. Who cares for your paw, or your four claws, you outlandifli cockatoo ! I muft fend thefe one by one, which firft ? Re-enter LADY TORRENDEL (unperceived}. Lady Tor. My Lord in England all this time ! Dick. Dated this day to Lady Torrendel. Lady Tor. How's this ! (aftde) Dick. Then to give time for her to fuppofe it came from her Lord at Lifbon, where he has not been at all, her Ladyfhip fhall have this in about a month. Lady Tor. A little fooner, if you pleafe, Sir. (ad- vancing.) Dick. My Lady herfelf ! (drops the letters and VOL. i. ' I exit 5 8 LIFE'S VAGARIES ; exit ccnfufed. Enter Mifs Clare ; picks them tip and prefents.} Lady Tor. (opening ani) Separate himfelf from me by fuch a complicated feries of invention, and by fallacious accounts of his ill-health, keep me in perpetual uneafinefs ! cruel man! make me believe he had fold his eftate here, 'yet re- tain it only for the bafe purpofe of converting a fpot (that brings to my mind the fvveet recollec- tion of delight, and innocence) into a contami- nated retreat for licentious, guilty, fordid plea- fures! you charg'd the coachman not to mention who i am ? but I fear that now is too late. Mifs Clare. No, Ma'am, for his own difcre- tion fuggefled the neceflity of that, before I men- tioned it tohim. Lady Tor. Do you think too, if the people of this houfe know it, I can engage them to keep my arrival a fecret. Mifs Clare. The woman promifes that, for tho' my Lord fpends fo much money, he's no fa- vourite in the town, from the knowledge of his ill ufage to your Lady mi p, Lady Tor. I wou'dn't have him defpifed ; but how to gain full and certain proofs ? to put be- yond all doubt his motive for fecreting himfelf here ? Mifs Clare. So far I have taken the liberty of anticipating your Ladyfhip's wilh. I have alk'd Martha Lady Tor. My good friend ! a thoufand thanks! I'm charm'd with your zeal. Yes, it is my wifh; what! Martha will convey me privately into the Caftle ? delightful ! I think none of his fervants know me here, but his French Secretary. Write to me by a fervant ! net open my Letters ! un- kind ! OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 59 kind! ungrateful! but then, to (leal upon him, it's afevere trial I'm faint ! but I muft fummon fortitude ! they'll fee I've been weeping ; come [Exeunt. SCENE III. A Parlour /# Die KINS' s: large Books lying on the table. i Enter JOHN and TRADESMEN. John. Step in, only flop a moment, my maf- ter will be in directly, and take all your infor- mations. You know I .can do nothing in it. \_Exit. ifl Man. The young Gentleman is thought- lefs and wild, but I believe's there not much harm in him. 2d Man. I don't think I can find in my heart to pi ofecute, if the affair is likely to affect his life. 3d Man. He's but a bad one I fear, yet I'd not hang a man for all the boots I'm worth. Enter DICKINS. Dick, So, the Lady has got into the Caftle. fhe'll trim his gay lordfhip yes, (he has Hole a march upon him he fha'n't hear of it from me. Oh what curtain lectures, perhaps a divorce, then maybe he'll marry my Fanny, (afide) A pretty buiinefs this young buck 2d Man. If he can raife the money to pay me I don't wifli to hurt him. Dick. 6q LIFE'S VAGARIES; Dick. Pay you, oh ! I fhall lofe my fees ! (ajide) You felfifti man, would you compound a felony : Some revenge upon the father, to have the great family-name of D'Aumerle down in a Mittimus. Enter CONSTABLE. Fellow, where's your pris'ncr ? Conft. Pleafe your worfhip, he be dauncing he defired me to gi' you this bit of paper. Dick. I fend you for a thief, and you bring me a bit of paper ! he be dauncing ! (reads) " Lord Arthur D'Aumerle'* compliments to Juf- tice Dickins, is now engaged with fome Ladies, but after another dance will wait upon" dance ! Con/1. Yez, there bes young Squire Burgefs got fiddling, and Mifs Fanny, they be jigging it up rarely. Dick. My daughter! is this the firft leflbn from her new Cover nefs ! but you ftupid fcoun- drel, I fuppofe you took a bribe. Conft. Noa, Sir, I only took Half-a-crown. Dick. How dare you, only a Conftable, med- dle with the Juflice's bufinels. A notorious of- fender ; charged with crimes of life and death ! he come! no! he'll abicond we fha'n't fee him in a hurry. Arthur, (without) I want the Juftice ! Dick. Why, that's he, but you find no Juftice here (cfide) 1 muft examine the culprit in form ; you, lirrah !" John, what are you about in the ihop, when 1 want you in my office? weighing raifins and pepper; dov/u with the fcalcs and balance, and bring my great books, and my ink-Hand, aye ! and I'll take my chocolate here. (Cbo- OR, T HE NEGLECTED SON. 61 (Chocolate, &c. brought in-, Dickins places books, puts on wig, and fits. [Exit Conftable. Enter ARTHUR. Arthur. I've finifh'd our Coranto in a quick ftep, and, with a kifs hand to the Ladies, have flown to receive your commands. Dick, (afide) Now, is this folly, impudence, courage, or generofity ? Arthur. Upon the information of the butter'd muffins, Juftice Dickins, I prefume - Cjits en the talle^ and eats.) Dick. Sir, upon the information of the C nf- table, a great rogue I prefume but 'pon honor I didn't expect you. Arthur. Oh ! then Sir, your mod obedient ! Dick. Stop ! (top ! is this the man that took your goods ? Trade/man. Yes ! Dick. Enough ! write his mittimus you all prolccute; what's your name Mr. - . Arthur. Lord Arthur D'Aumerle. Dick. Aliis Duke of Dunftabie, alias Captain, alias Major. Arthur. Was my fat K.- Ttill in the army, I'd have enliiled a common >! .ier ni his own regi- ment then thv- v/orld njignt have laid, thei 's Lord Torrendei's ion <.\m-v ini; aknipUck but row let it fay, a parent infers his child to lie in prifoa for the :. . \ !i r e. C ^u'dn'c yc-u carry :~ne to L; lol till' ? Dick. ConiL 4i ive my authority, ta' here's villany I here's viliany ! K 2 Lady 68 LIFE'S VAGARIES, Lady Tor. (afide) Some poor intended victim ! My coming at fuch a time is highly fortunate. Tlmolin (reads}. " Pray have an eye upon that Arthur's ill-looking Irifhman" Oh, that crowns his rogueries " No harm to keep Au- gufta under lock and key." I'll keep this proof of their wickednefs, and if they talk of hanging me for a bit of an old picture, I'll bring it out to their fhabby red faces ill looking Irimman. (fees Lady Tsr.} What! then they have locked you up ? you mod unhappy beautiful foul. Lady Tor. He takes me for the prefent object of purfuit! by giving into this miftake, I may difcover fome more of my huiband's atchieve- ments. (aftde) Are you his Lordfhip's emiflary ? Timslin. I, Mifs ! I defpife fuch doings: Lady Tor. I believe it j your face fpeaks ho- nefty. Ttmol'm. Then it fpeaks truth, and the devil himfelf (han't make it tell a lie. Lady Tor. But, who are you ? Ttmo/in. My mafter is his Lordfliip's fon that's at this initant fhifting about, and can't get a beef- fteak without venturing his neck for it. Lady Tor. True Martha told me of this un- happy deftitute youth Oh, hufband ! falfe to me, and unnaturally cruel to the offspring of your follies, Timolin. Mifs, I'll afore you, Lord Arthur is as brave a little boy Lady Tor. And bears his forlorn ftate with meekncfs antf refignation ? Timolin. Oh yes, Mifs, he's as meek and gen- tle ah, hem ! Lady Tor. (afide}. Poor youth, he has a fa- ther, and yet an orphan ! Then he fhall find a friend OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 69 friend in me though not mine, he belongs lo the man I flill love ! but to continue this decep- tion cou'd you contrive any means for me to fly this manfion of fliame and ruin? (anoifs with- out) Timolin. Offer to touch her, and, by the mighty powers of heaven, I'll flay you. (Jnatcbcs up a chair). Lady Tor. Ah ! (runs in. The door bur ft open.) Enter ARTHUR. Arthur. Suffer me to perifh, and imprifon my faithful fquire for his attachment ! Put ycur arms a-kimbo, firrah, ftump down thofe great flairs with your hat on, and let me fee who dares fquint at you Oh 1 that lovely divine Au- gufta! Timolin. What! then you've feen her, Sir (winks ', and points of where Lady Torrendel went.} Arthur. What do you tiand winking and making faces there, firrah ? come out. Timolin. But there's fomebody elie loek'd up. Arthur. Kick up your legs boldly, no matter whofe fhins are in the way. Timolin. But, Sir Arthur. By'r leave there for Mr. Timolin. [Exeunt. SCENE II. A Street. Enter SIR HANS, and GEORGE. Sir. H. Aye ! and well George ? (joyful) George -o LIFE'S VAGARIES; George. We had a dance, Sir. Sir If. As if he had faid we had a funeral. 'Sblood ! man, fay we had a dance, (capers) Arthur was mafter of the ceremonies you fhuffled it away ? eh, boy ? George. Yes, Sir, I was'nt afraid to Qiuffle, for 1 had my thick walking (hoes on. Sir II. Shoes! afies' hoofs! I believe they're half an inch thick. George. Sir, they're near an inch, (aftde) I muft fee if the poor woman has releafed her hufband. Sir H. George, then 'twas you rafp'd up the fiddle for them ? George. Yes, Sir, fo \ve had no fiddler to pay. ir H. Frugal ma'ann ! he's the mod extrava- gant Fanny. I fee now he only wmts them to like each other, I mult prevent this. y/> H. Why, loot now, with his coat over his 72 LIFE'S VAGARIES; his knuckles ; he has on lace ruffles at three gui- neas a pair. Pull down your ruffles, (pulls George's ivrijlbands down) by the lord ! he has got into a hopfack. What have you done with all the fine linen and lace I fent you ? George. The lace was too fine for ufe but the Holland made foft child-bed linen for a oor curate's wife. Sir H. Yes, madam, the bifhop's lady was the good woman in the ftraw. He is very frolick^ fome it's a fhame for you to be fuch a buck. Fanny. Mifs, George is no buck ! he's a mere milk fop, an't you George ? Sir H. Get away you little devil, who wants your prate, (apart} Mifs, we'll conceal your lofs of fortune from my fon he's fo proud fee how he throws his head about, (apart ; George, with An- gufta's cafli, you can do fuch pretty charities ! Son, this lady is worth one hundred thoufand pounds. Fanny. George, fhe's only my governefs, and as poor borrowed five millings from me juft now to releafe her box from the waggon fay you did. apart to Augufla) Sir H. Get along you little bufy thing, (apart to Fauny) You know, ma'am, you're an immenfe fortune. Augufta. Sir, I am neither ambitious of com- panion or ridicule. Sir H. George, never mind fhe's very rich. Aitgitfta. Oh no, Sir ! Sir H. Madam, you're a Jew. Fanny. My governefs is not a Jew, fhe has more religon than the bifhop. Sir //. ^The devil's in me, if I don't make your father pull your ears! Mifs, my fon hns a moil OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 73 a moft liberal mind, a foul of magnificent extra- vagance. George. Madam, my father is only jetting. Fanny. True, George, now that's very good, of you, Sir Hans is always making his fun of every body. Sir H. Overthrowing my whole fcheme. (aftde) Hop home you little magpie ! (to Fanny) George. Madam, be affured, I efleem ceconomy the firit virtue. Hir H. Then the devil's in you both ! but it's you, you prating monkey, has done it all ; you, you rafcal, with your ceconomy and afles' hoofs, truffdown to Sampfliire Hall; and you, Mifs, ftalk with your poverty to Mr. Dickins, the banker's. George. Madam, your humble fervant ! (bows and exit] Sir H. Civil fcoundrel ! fome mad gander will tuck her and her fortune under his wing, and fly offtQ Gretna Green. Fanny. George fent down to the rocks, oh ! oh ! then I know where fomebody will go. (afide) Sir Hans, your moft obedient, good morning to you, Sir ! (curtfys and exit} Sir H. Oh very polite Ma'am, but I wifhyou had dropt your curtfy half an hour ago. dugufia. (looking out) The forlorn thoughtlefs Arthur ! Sir, tell me is Mifs Woodbine's fonmy uncle's heir ? then why not inftantly extricate him, from the embarraffing perplexities that muft end in his deftruction. Sir H. What fon ? (looking out) The gay Ar- thur ! true, Lord Torrendel's ; (afide) oh oh ! I fufped there's love here this was her dancing VOL. i. L partner 74 LIFE'S VAGARIES; partner. My dear, as to affeclion and all that, this Arthur. Augujla. Sir, I am only interefted for him, on account of ray coufin Woodbine. Sir H. Right ! for his heart is engaged to a girl he told me all over a glafs of hock.\dugufta agitated) (afide^ Yes ! fhe likes him then, in one word, Mifs Augufta, my dear, I'll not part with you, till I fee you and my fon fairly cou- pled. Arthur, (without} Sir Hans ! (enters) Sir H. Yes, Sir! paft three, (exit with Au- gufta) Arthur. Paft three! Don't much like his avoiding me, and taking the lady. His bail- bond may keep me from limbo but muftn't rob me of paradife either. Enter TIMOLIN. Run, firrah, after Mifs Augufta, and Timolin. Back again to your father's ? Arthur. You will perfift, we left Angufta there ; (tears a leaf from his pocket-book, and writes with pencil) if I can but obtain the love of this charm- ing girl, {he's fo beautiful, elegant but then, very modeft ; I muft engage her affections Ti- molin, run with this letter. Timolin. With what ? Arthur. Stop to afk queftions with your hows and whats run, take this letter to the young lady. Timolin. I'll give no letters to ladies. Do you want, Sir, to carry on your father's profligate rigmarols? but you don't make a French Moun- feer OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 75 fe er of me for the fpirit of Mr. Timolin is a peg above that, I affure you. Arthur. Walk back, if you pleafe, into Caftle Quod. Timolin. Then 'pon my word, I won't. Arthur. How ! do you object to go into prifon when I defire you ? begone ! I difcharge you. Timolin. Oh ! Sir, I difcharge myfelf, and there's a receipt for my wages, (fnaps his fingers) I'd hazard my life, to procure you what you might again repay but, helping you to take the innocence you can never return, is beneath the foul of Mr. Felix Timolin. \Exit Arthur. I've loft him. I had no conception of this mighty Irifli honour of his brave foul. He has had moral, from his ruftic parent in his mud cabin ; but, I never knew a father's kind precept or good example. Enter COACHMAN, furveys ARTHUR at a diftance. What does this fellow eye me for. Coachman. My lady fent me to know his per- fon yes ' that's he, very well. [Exit. Arthur. You're no Coachman, my friend, you're a bailiff they take all difguifes. [Exit. SCENE III. A Walk near Lord Torrendel's Enter L'CEILLET. L'CEilkt. To divert mi Lor from de thought of "}6 LIFE'S VAGARIES; of dis tapageur fon of his, I mufl get ofFMifs Au~ gufta for him ; but, to fee more of this letter of inftru&ion, {feeling his pockets} eh ! oh ! I have left it on the table in my room Thomas have borrow Sir Hans's livery to carry her mam meflage ; but if dere be danger, we yet want fome ftrong, able, defperate Enter TIMOLIN, melancholy. Timotin. I couldbe contented with one dinner in three days, becaufe it's a thing I've practis'd with fome fuccefs but, my poor dear mafter L'OEillet. Oh ! you be got out, where I did lock you Timolin. Here, lock me up again ; for now I've loft my mafter, I don't care where I am. DCEillef. I fuppofe you be not overcharg'd vid money, and I take it you be fripon in your cha- racter, roguery be the leading feature. Timolin. I judge that your nofe is your lead- ing feature ib I take it. (advancing) I, a rogue ! produce a proof that I'm one. DCEillet. Here be a ftirling proof. (/hews money.) Timolin. So, becaufe you've money, you've a right to call a poor man out of his name. DCEillet. (gives it) Dere now, call me out of my name. Timolin. (looking at it) Then, you're an ho- neft man and a genteel noble lad. If I can find my lord, this will carry us back to town, (going) L'CEillet. Arrete ! dat is for fervice you vill do me. (looking out') Milor ! go ! dat footman vill tell you vat it be. Belides, more reward, if you mould be taken up again for little peccadil- loz, milor's inteieft vill releafs you, Allez! 'Tim- OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 77 Timolin. Paid for doing good before hand ! I've gold and a clear confcience, two compa- nions that are feldom together now a day's. [Exit. Enter LORD TORRENDEL. Lord Tor. That fellow of Arthur's ftill lurking about here! L'CEHIet. Arthur's fervant ' pefte ! quelle bal- lourdife ! I have made fine confidante in my Lor's fcheme. (afidi) Lord Tor. I hope you hav'nt let this affair go further than thofe already concerned? L'CEHIet. Oh! no, my Lord! if he knew I had employed this Irifhman, I am undone, (afide) Lord Tor. You've warned the porter how he admits them again ? L'CEHIet: Ah, my Lor, he vill find hard to admit himfelf. Lord Tsr. L'CEillet, I've improved upon your plan. Thomas's being in Sir Hans's livery may not be fufficient to perfuade Augufta, that me is really fet for by him now if you could bor- row Sir Hans's poft chaife, that would effectually remove fufpicion make any excufe, he'll be glad to oblige me. L'CEillet, Here I go for Sir Hans's coach to <:arry off Mifs Augufta, and have fet Thomas and de Irifhman to talke her off vid horfes. (a/ide) Lord Tor. Why, you don't feem over hearty in the caufe now ? L'CEillet. Oh! I'm devote to your Lorfhip's fervice. Lord 7 8 LIFE'S VAGARIES; Lord Tor. Once wheedled into the carriage, a pretext is foon found to get her to Sandgate IHand. L'CEittef. Ah ! mais ceft que ceft excellent ca ! Lord Tor. About it now I fliall be there be- fore you. {Exit. L'CEillet. Pardi ! dis is lucky for now I vill do it myfelf. I vifh tho' I cou'd meet vid dis maroufle, to hinder him meddle in de affair dat malheureux Irilh tief vili do me fome mif- chief. [Exif. SCENE IV. A Road. Enter TJMOLIN, and THOMAS, in SIR HANS'S Li- very. Timolin. Well, Mr. Thomas, I know all your plan, now you've told me. So here you've borrowed Sir Hans r s livery from one of his fer- vants, and you're to go and tell Mifs Augufta, he has fent you for her but, as you may be a cowardly kind of a chap, the Mounfeer has bid me aililt you with my tight bit of an arm. Hufh ! here flie comes. Thomas. I thought fhe was a little girl juft left fchool. Timolin. I don't know, whether fhe goes to fchool or no but, this is the very Mifs Au- gufta, that was lock'd up in the caftle with me. OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 79 me. (afide] Oh ! I'll make a neat example of ye all. [they retire. Enter LADY TORRENDEL, and COACHMAN. Lady Tor. My mind is in a ftate of the moft tormenting folicitude ! I wifti I knew where to find this young lady, and apprize her of my Lord's defigns. Whether to return and wait for him ? [ dread the interview, unkind upbraiding often makes the very balls of affection. Yet I know he'll endeavour, by fome artful evafion, to flip from my charge, except I can bring it to a full conviction but L firil to afford this poor young man affiftance. Timolin. Young man ! that mufl be me fhe faw I was in diftrefs. (afide) Lady Tor. Deliver this to him, without letting him know who it comes from, (gives a pocket- bock to Coachman) [Exit Coachman. Timolin. Stop ! Fm here. Lady Tor. Oh, his fervant. Timolin. Now, this goadnefs to me, has de- termined me, in what I was resolved upon ; to fave her from all danger, (cfide) Lady Tor. Perhaps I may now learn, who this young lady is. Timclin. (to Thcmas) Go you, and ft ay with your horfes I'll deliver the meflage to her my- felf. Thomas. But you're not in Sir Hans's livery It wo'n't take, 'apart} Timolin. How d'ye do, Mifs Augufta ? Lady '-Tor. (afide'} My trufty champion's mif- taking me for her, I find, continues. Thomas. Mifs, your guardian, Sir Hans Bur- gefs, 00 LIFE'S VAGARIES; gefs, hopes for your company down at Sam- phire-hall he has fent horfes. Timolin. I'll whifper a few words, that fhall bring her dire&ly. Harkye, Mifs ! don't go, this is a rogue, that wants to coax you again in- to the moufe-trap. (apart to Lady Tcrrendel) Lady Tor. You miftake I'm not the perfon. (to Thomas) Timolin. That's a good thought to deny your- felf I'll fecond it, (apart) are you fure you never faw Mifs Augufta before now ? Thomas. Not I. Timolin. Then this is not fhe fo go about your bufinefs. Thomas. What! Timolin. He wants to inveigle you, to Lord Torrendel. (apart) Lady Tor. Indeed ! this is charming, as I fup- pofed ! the moft lucky opportunity to do good, prevent evil, fave the innocent from ruin, and overwhelm the guilty in the blufhing fhame of his own bafe intentions, (afide) I was apprehen- five of fome error you've brought horfes you fay very well, I'll wait on my guardian, (to Thomas.) [ Timolin Jiares ^ and whiftles. Thomas. Then you are Mifs Augufta. Why, what did you mean juft now by faying it was not. (to Timolin) Lady Tor. Yes, yes, you're right enough. Timdlin. If they take you for a Lady, that will fly off to an old libertine, they're right enough indeed ; but I was wrong, when I thought you a bit of an angel. Lady Tor. Come, (going) Timolin. A word, ma'am ! your intentions jufl now about me, were good but, fince you give your- OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. gi yourfelf up to this old reprobate, I fcorn your afliftance, and if a little turn of virtue, mould ever make you repent of your nonfenfe, don't expect any defence from the foul of Mr. Ti- molin. Lady Tor. Heavens ! I leave a mocking im- preffion on the mind of this worthy creature. (afide) Well, well, we fhall find a time to clear my character. \_Exit with Thomas. Timolin. An old rotten potatoe for your cha- racter ! bye and bye, when you're feen flourifh- ing in curricles, with a different gallant every day, ftuck up at your elbow, you'll flill be chat- tering about your character, to all the turnpike- men. Enter ARTHUR, (baftily). Arthur. Yes ! it is a bailiff he's at my heels. Timolin, do you fee any door open ? ftand in that fpot, you fcoundrel. Timolin. Oh Sir ! if any more of thofe compli- ments pafs between you and me, ic's a tofs up who's to pay them. Arthur. If he don't touch me, it's no caption. limolin. He's returning with the money, the gay Mifs gave him for me. Re-enter COACHMAN. Coachman; I've had a good chace after you, Sir. Arthur. Attempt to give me the tip, and Coachman, (taking papers from his pocket) Here it is this bill for three hundred VOL. i. M 37- 82 LIFE'S VAGARIES; Timolin. If it was ten tlioufand, I wou'cln't ac- cept it. Arthur. You villain, do I want you to accept bills for me ? Coachman. It's a good note, and your own too. Arthur. Well, I know I have notes and bonds enough out but if I pay one of them, I'll be damn'd. Timolin. Sir, don't frighten yourfelf, about what doesn't concern you. Arthur. Hold your tongue, firrah ; of my own accord, I came from our dance, when old Wig- hum, the juftice, fent for me; but, compeli'd I will not be ; fo let the plaintiff carry the bills to my father. 1 Coachman. Now, Sir, you're too nice. I pro- mifed to do the bufmels, and I will, (offers pa- pers.) Arthur. Aye! he only wants to touch me. {Jlips round Timolin.) ^Timolin. Arrah! what fignifies your dancing round me, like a couple of May-poles ? Arthur. Timolin, knock him down I won- der whether it's a capture if 1 touch him. Timolin. What are you at with your caps, and hats ? The Knglifti of the thing is Mifs Auguf- ta, I defpife. Arthur. Speak fo of my divine charmer ! [fir ikes him, and runs off, Coachman follows. Timolin. Oh ! if he difcharges me, and comes once a day to give me a knock in my cheek, I'm to have a bleffcd' life of it tho' my honor wou'd not fuffer me to take relief from this Mifs OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 8$ Mifs Augufta, yet I'll try and get the reward from Mounfeer, for, if I was to preach in a pulpit as high as Patrick's fteeple, the ladies, and gentlemen, would be running after one an- other, and, till they give roaft beef for nothing, to mere honeity, a guinea is convenient in an empty pocket. [Exit. END OF THE FOURTH ACT. M 2 LIFE'S VAGARIES; A C T V. SCENE I. Samphire-hall: SIR HANS'J, and other Houfes : A view of the Sea, bathing Machines , &c. Enter SIR HANS, and ROBIN HOOFS. SIR HANS. A Month lince I've been down here at my fa- vourite rocks. How do the lodging-houfes go on ? I hope they keep low with their prices, till the place is known. Aye! I may yet fee Sam- phire-hall eclipfe Brighton, Weymouth, and Scar- borough. Robin H. Yes ! your honour ; for the young Squire has fet up a ftaple commodity of trade, and already the volks bes fo merry about'n. You know Humphry Grim, the ftone-mafon, is famous in the letter cutting way Meafter George has gi'n the freedom of the quarry, and he has eftablifhtd a manufacture for tomb- flones. StrH OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 85 Sir H. Tomb-ftones to make people merry ! Robin H. He has finiftied half a dozen choice epitaphs with: " Affliftions zore " Long time I bore " Phyficians were in wain." (SiR HANS walks up enraged.} Enter GEORGE. George. That was certainly Lord Torrendel turn'd into the green lane muffled up, and feem'd hiding his face. Robin gave me a hint of his defigns upon Fanny. Sir H. A fweet morning concert for the rooms, of chipping and fa wing ! Tell Mailer Grim, he muft depart in peace with his merry monuments. Did you hire a new poftillion ? Robin H. Yez, Sir. George. Oh, Robin ! my fcheme of fettling the poor artificers here, requires a kind of agent or Juperior, to regulate it in my abfence j a fenfible perfon of good nature and probity that I can truft I've fixt upon a man he's now over at Sandgate ifland, you muft acquaint him no on- ly tell him I'd (peak with him. Sir H. (feeing George} Don't come near me get a tin pot and a bit of ftick, and pick up cockles on the beach you haven't a foul above a cockle-gatherer, you curfed otter, Robin ! have they put up the flielves in the raffling fliop? George. Sir, the men are working at their looms. Sir H. Looms ! George. 86 LIFE'S VAGARIES; George, Tnflead of encouraging frauds, cheat- ing ftrangcrs with paltry toys, I have creeled looms, that will give bread to two induftrious families. (Jcom heard without) Sir H. Why, they're Weavers ! George. Yes, Sir, weavers of (lockings, gloves, and mittins. Sir H. A (locking loom in the place of my ele- gant raffling (hop ! George. There's a ribband loom too. This was the firft wove in it ; for the motto's fake, put it into your hat. Sir H. (reads) " Succefs to Commerce, and a f'peedy peace." Well, let Induftry throw the ihuttle to this motto with all my heart. What fmoke's that yonder ? clinking of hammers! by the lord it's a forge. George. Yes, Sir, the forge I built for poor old Grimes. Sir H. What, a fmith ? George. Yes, Sir, a worthy blackfmith. Sir H. Within the very walls of my cold bath, old Grimes blowing his bellows ! George. What uie for a cold bath juft on the verge of the ocean ? and the farmers want the neceflary tools for agriculture. Sir H. I banifh you for ever, from my fafliion- able bathing-place. You barbarous young fa- vage ! after my high pufFadvertiiements of cold larders, neat wines, circulating libraries, baths, concerts, balls, billiards, machines, and bathing- caps, to expect to drag people of fafhion down here, arnongft (locking-looms, totnbllones, and bellows-clinkers ! George. Father, my little colony was famifli- OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 87 ing on Lord TorrendePs iQancl. Since I have brought them here, in pity don't ditturb them. Sir H. A fine ragged colony you've planted. George. Confider, Father, induftry is a flower that ihould be encouraged by the genial warmth of patronage. Sir H. By the the lord! the fellow's only fit for a plowman, or a weaver. George. Well, Sir, the one gives bread, the other cloathing; as a plowman and a weaver are the moft ufeful characters, I know of none more noble. Sir H. Ah ! don't talk to me, my very fer- vants will defpife you, I dare fay not one of 'em would ftir a ftump to fave your, foul and body, you young Beaver. Enter ROBIN HOOFS. Robin H. Your purfe, Sir I found it on the road, (to George] George. Thank you, Robin; Sir H. George's purfe ! how much was in it ? Robin. More than I can tell once I knew it to be mailer George's, I never put finger on the cafh it held. Sir H. Suppofe k had been my purfe ? Robin H. Ecod ! your honor, you might ne- ver have feen it again : Gold's a tempting thing, and I don't fet up for more honefty than my neighbours ; but young Squire's money already belongs to the poor, and he bez a bad man in- deed that wou'd take, what the generous heart is fo ready to give. George. You've been playing tricks, knocking 1C 88 LIFE'S VAGARIES; it about its all broke ftupid fellow, I dare fay you'd take better care of your own ! Robin H. La, Sir, I have no purfe, only a lit- tle bit of a leather bag, to divide a few {hillings from the halfpence, (foewing the bag t George takes it.} George. Whole, and found tearing one's pro- perty there's my broken one, I (half keep yours. (flings it to Robin Hoofs) Robin H. But, Sir, the gold's in it. George. Never mind, keep it Robin, you're an honeft fellow ; honefty is a true diamond, and fliould be fet in gold, (puts him off) Sir H. My generous boy, George, build up and pull down, juft as you pleafe ; I fee now the rich man's fafeft guard, is the bleflings of cha- rity ; but gold is the grand ftaple of your trade of benevolence I've brought Mifs Woodbine, and her fortune ; go and entertain her. George. Ifn't that Lord Torrendel's French^ man. (looking out) Re-enter ROBIN HOOFS. Robin H. Your honor, Mounfeer's come from his Lord, to borrow your poft-chay going on a vifit, and his own be broke. Sir H. Here's an opportunity to oblige my Lord. He (hall have it, and hanfel my new pof- tilion too. George, (afide} Some knavery in this poft- chaife borrowing! Robin, a word. Sir H. Here full ! go to the Lady ! hold, here {he is. Enter OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. Enter AUGUSTA. Au^ufta. 'Twas certainly Arthur crofs'd the road, (afide) Sir, Fve walk'd out, to fee your charming place here, (to Sir Hans) Sir H. Hem ! I bid him fpeak to the Lady, and by the lord he's whifpering Robin j George, addrefs her with rapture. George. Yes, Sir! Madam, the great pleafure of Robin. [Exit, talking with Robin Hoofs. Sir H. The great pleafure of Robin ! oh ! the devil's in you, for a fine amorous fcoundrel! Stop, you Sir. [Exit. Augufta. This young gentleman is an unadorn- ed cafket, enclofing the moft delicate fprings of fenfibility ; but that heart is not for me j or ra- ther mine is not for him. I muft not cherifh an hopelefs paflion for Arthur ; if, as Sir Hans tells me, another poflefies his affections. Enter FANNY. Fanny ! Fanny. My dear governefs, I've got down to you ; I'm only come, becaufe you are here where's George. Augufta. You only come becaufe I'm here where's George ! Ah, Fanny ! Fanny. I've made papa bring me too by a monftrous ftory though. I've told him, Sir Hans wants him on moft prodigious bufinefs. Enter ARTHUR, (running). Arthur. Diftanced the nabber! my lovely partner ! who could expect to find you here, VOL. i. N like go LIFE'S VAGARIES ; like a fea-nymph fent from old Neptune's pa- lace, to make mortals plunge into the ocean, enamoured from this divine fpecimen of aquatic beauty. Augufta* Moft heroically gallant indeed, Sir. Fanny. Now for fomething gallant to me How d'ye do, Sir? (curtefies] Arthur. Ah ! little titmoufe, fuppofe, my love, you flep and gather a few honeyfuckles from the hedge yonder. Fanny. George might have had the manners to meet, and make nymphs of other people. Titmoufe, indeed ! [Exit. Arthur. Madam, you fee before you, a fellow the moft wretched (afide) (hall I venture to declare my love? no farewell. Augujia. Whither, Sir, are you going ? Arthur. The truth is, Madam, tho' Great- Britain's large, I'm driven to the water's edge, where I'll ftep into, and pufhoffthe firft fifhing boat I can find; for abandon'd by my fa- ther, and purfued by England, Madam, is no home for me. If I can get acrofs the chan- nel, amongft camps, and batteries, my empty fconce may keep a bullet from a head that has brains in it. Auyufta. Your fortunes, Sir, are not, perhaps, fo defparate your mother was Arthur. How ! Madam, have you heard? (he is I hope an angel and you my heaven (kneels.} Enter COACHMAN. Coachman. Overtaken you at laft'- Arthur. 1*11 be damn'd if you have though, (runs oj}\ Coachman pnrfues.) Aiiguf- OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 91 Augufta. Unhappy youth ! they'll purfue him to defpair ; but I'm ufurping a concern that be- longs to the miftrefs of his heart ; yet, tho' I muft not love, am I to rejeft all feelings of hu- manity. "Re-enter FANNY. Fanny, (joyfully) Oh! govern efs, I have afked the poftillion to give us a roll on the beach you don't know half this fweet place. Augufta. In the chaife I may have a better chance of feeing which way he takes, (afide.} Fanny, (ajide) Muftn't tell 'twas my Lord's va- let propofed our ride, {he's fo fqueamim. Augufta. Does Sir Hans know of this jaunt ? Fanny. Very true he may not let us go ; I have it, lit in the chaife till I come; Fll fetch your hat and cloak. [Exit. Augujla. Is this prudent, but no time for re- flection, Arthur may be loft for ever. [Exit. SCENE II. A parlour in SIR HANS'S. Enter DICKINS. Dick. Devilifli good place the Knight has got here ; a fine profpecl of the fea ; a pretty mort- gage, and I may pick up fuch a bit as this, with Torrendel's intereft. Enter 9 1 LIFE'S VAGARIES; Enter FANNYJ looking about. Fanny. My Governefs is fo giddy where can fhe have left her hat. Dick. Oh, Fanny, where's your friend Au- gufta ? you feem all upon the fidgets. Fanny, (confined) Oh no, Sir. The two old boys will be running after us what can 1 think of to keep them here ? oh, true, (afide} Papa, I wonder why Sir Hans has fent for you ; do you know ? Dick. No, child, but I (hail if I can get to fee him. Fanny. Here he i?, ha, ha, ha ! (afide) only ]ook papa, what a fine profpecl: at that window; you can fee, I believe, to the Ifle of Wight. Dick: Oh no j but very fine, (looks out of win- dow.) Enter SIR HANS. Sir 11. Fanny, where's your papa ? Fanny. He's there, Sir, but his head is fo full of this ferious affair, he's come down ta teli you about, (in an under tone) SirH. Oh, very well. Fanny. He, he, he ! now each will be fo full of expectation of the other telling, when there is nothing to tell, it may bring them into a fquab- b!e, and that will keep them as clofe as a game backgammon but where's Augufta's hat ? [Exif. Sir H. Ah, Dickins ! how do you do ? Dick, (turning] Oh, Sir Hans, well, I've trun- dled down t you. Sir H. Then the affair is very urgent ? fit down. Dick. OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 93 Dick. Of confequence, I hope ; for I had a good deal to do. Sir H. Andfo? Dick. Well. Sir H. Well ? Co fudden, I was alarmed ! but does it concern me much ? Dick. That you belt know. Sir H. How Qiould I know ! Dick, (peevijbly) Well then, when you tell me, perhaps I may know. Sir H. When you tell me, perhaps I may not know. But come. Dick. Aye? Sir H. He's afraid of being overheard I fup- pofe j come, I'll faften the door. Dick. Oh, if it is of fo much confequence, and fecrecy, I'll faften this door too. (both rife and go to cppofite doors} There now, we are quite fafe. (fits down} aye? Sir H. Aye ? (tkey put their beads together as lif- tening) Dick. What do you fit gaping for, why don't you out with it ? Sir H. Why do you fit flaring and flretching your neck ? why don't you tell it at once ? Dick. You fent for me down about your bud- nefs and, zounds ! what is it ? that I may go about mine. Sir H. I fend for you! you came here to tell me of fomething of great importance tell it, and Ihorten your vifir, when you pleafe, Sir. (both rife) Dick. Sir, your ill manners, in your own houfe, are equal to your impudence in bringing me into it for nothing. Sir //. Impudence, you vulgar man ! it's well you 94. LIFE'S VAGARIES; you are in my houfe, or by the hand of this bo- dy, I'd pitch you out of window. Dick. Pitch me, you hard-headed old fool ! if Torrendel was to behave fo, I'd Sir H. I mall choak. (rings) You're under my roof fo fay what you will Robin Hoofs ! Dick. Damn your hoofs, and your horns, Sir ! I can quit your houfe myfelf. You're as impu- dent as Torrendel. (puts on his hat, and gloves) Enter FANNY, crying, with Auguftets hat. Fanny. Oh George ! George ! my Govern efs has run away with George! falfe fellow ! to drefs himfelf up as the new poftilion, and drive off with my Governefs, when 1 only returned to fetch her hat and cloak. Sir H. My fon drive off with Augufta ! Huz- za ! he's a darner. Fanny. And then Lord Torrendel's valet, to jump up behind the chaife 'twas all a pack d thing to deceive me. (cries) Sir H. What ! the Frenchman gone off with my ward. Fanny. Yes, they'll furely be married. Dick. What, the Frenchman? Fanny. No ! George ! Dick. But where are they gone ? Fanny. Rattled down the beach, towards Sand- gate Ifland. Sir II. Robin Hoofs, John,, the devil, I've loft my ward. \JLxeunt Dickins, and Sir Hans. Fanny. Yes, I heard Sir Hans brought her down here to marry George ; a demure looking Uiing> me knew better than to take the mad young OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 95 young Arthur; and I myfelf to introduce her to ray George; this is female friendfhip indeed, here's my friend's hat, and my friend's ribbands, oh that I had herfelf here. [Exit tearing the bat. SCENE III ; and la/I. Sandgate JJland-, one Jhattered boufe, and a few wretched cottages. Enter ARTHUR. Arthur. The ferryman not to run his boat boldly in the creek oblige me to dafh through the water ! If I could but get over to the conti- nent, I'd fight like a true volunteer the firft Enfi^n that dropt, pick up his colours I wifh I had a few (hillings, to pay my paflage in fome fifhing fmack. Enter COACHMAN. There again by heavens ! you ma'n't have all the bailitf-work to yourfelf we'll have a tufsle for it if you are ftronger, 1 go if not, I com- mit your body to mafter fhark begone, or into the lea I fling you. Coachman. Then, there Sir, is three hundred pound, Bank of England note now I've at laft done my job. [drops it, and exit. Arthur, (picking it iff) It is and I to mif- take my bright angel for the blackeft of all imps, a catchpole ! three hundred 1 now they hall fee who 9 Galloping, dreary, dun, But now I think better, I'd better go fleep, With my, &c, {Exit. SCENE I2 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. SCENE IIL A t bicker fart of the for eft. Large tree and fane crofs near the front. Enter SPADO, runs round terrifed, and clMs into the tree. Enter DON SCIPIO, attacked by SANGUINO, RAPI- NG, and CALVETTE. Sang. Now, Rapino, lop off his fvvord-arm. Don S. Forbear ! there's my purfe. (throws it down) Sang. Fire! Spa. (peeping from the tree] No, don't fire. Sang. I am wounded, hew him to pieces! (as Don Scipio is nearly overpowered) Enter FERNANDO. Per. Ha ! what murderous ruffians ! (engages the Banditti who precipitately difperfe feveral ways) Spa. Holloa! the foreit is iurrounded with Inquifitors, Alguazils, Corrigidores, Hangmen, and holy fathers. Don S. Oh, I hav'nt fought fo much thefe twenty years. Spa. Eh, we have loft the field, curfed dark , tho' I think I could perceive but one man come to the relief of our old Don here. Don S. But where are you, Senor ? approach my brave deliverer. Spa. So here's a victory and nobody to claim it ! I think I'll go down and pick up the laurel. (defends) I'll take the merit of this exploit, I may get fomething by it. Den THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. m Don S. I long to thank, embrace, worfhip this generous ftranger as my guirdian angel. Spa. (aftdc} 1 may pals for this angel in the dark Villains, fcoundrels ! robbers, to attach an honeft gentleman ! but I made the dogs (cam- per ! (vapouring) Don S. Oh, dear ! this is my preferver ! Spa. Who's there ? Oh, you are the wor- thy gentleman I refcued from thefe rafcal ban- ditti. Don S. Noble, valiant ftranger I Spa. No thanks, Senor, I have fav'd your life and a good aclion rewards itfelf. Don S. A gallant fellow faith- Eh, as well as I could diftinguifh in the dark, you look'd much, taller juft now ? (looking c'ofe at him) Spa. When I was fighting ? true, anger raifes me I always appear fix foot in a pailion ; be- fides my hat and plume added to my height. Don S. (by accident treading en the purfe) Hey, the rogues have run off without my purfe too. Spa.' O, ho! (aftde} What, 1 have favd your purfe as well as your precious life ! Well, of a poor fellow, I am the luckieft dog in all Spain. Dm S. Poor ! Good friend, accept it as a (mall token of my gratitude. Spa. Nay, dear Sir ! Don S. You fliall take it. Spa. Lord, I am fo aukward at taking a purfe f (takes ;'/) Don S. Hey, if I could - find my cane too I dropt it fomewhere hereabouts when I drew to defend myfelf. (looking about) Spa. Zound* ! I fancy here comes the real con- VUL. I, K queror 122 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.' 1 queror no matter Fve got the fpoils of the field, (afide chinks tbepurje and retires) Don S. Ah, my amber-headed cane! (Jlill look- ing about) Re-enter FERNANDO. Per. The villians ! Don S. Ay, you made 'em fly like pigeons, my little game-cock ! Per. Oh, I fancy this is the gentleman that was attack'd. Not hurt, I hope, Sir, Don S. No, I'm a tough old blade Oh, gadfo, well thought on feel if there's a ring on the purfe, it's a relick of my deceas'd lady, it's with fome regret I alk you to return it. Per. Return what, Sir? Don S. A ring you'll find on the purfe. Fer. Ring and purfe! really, Sir, I don't un- derltandyou. Don S. Well, well, no matter A mercenary fellow? (afide.) Fer. The old gentleman has been robb'd, and is willing that I mould reimburfe his lofles. (afide) Don S. It grows lighter: I think I can dif- tinguifh the path I loft follow me, my hero, and (going fuddenlj turns and looks ftedfaftly at Fer- nando.) Zounds, Senor, I hope you are not in a paflion, for I think you look fix foot high again. Fer. A ftrange, mad old fellow this ! (afide.} Don S. Thefe rafcals may rally, fo come along to my caftle, and my daughter Victoria fhall welcome the preferver of her father. Fer. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 123 Per. Your daughter, Victoria ! Then, perhaps, Sir, you are Don Scipio, my intended father-in- Jaw? Don S. Eh! Why! is it poffible that you can be my expected fon, Fernando ? Per. The fame, Sir, and was on my journey to your Cattle when benighted in the foreft here. Don S. Oh, my dear boy ! (embraces him?) Damn'd mean of him to take my purfe tho' (afide.} Ah, Fernando, you were refolv'd to touch fome of your wife's fortune before-hand. Per. SirI Don S. Hufh ! You have the money and keep it : aye, and the ring too ; I'm glad it's not gone out of the family Hey, it grows lighter Come! Per. My rafcal Pedrillo is fall'n afleep fome- where. (a wbiftle ivifbout) Don S. No, we're not fafe here Come then, my dear brave valiant Curs'd paltry to take my purfe tho'. (afide.) [Exeunt. Spa. (who bad been lijlenmg^ advances.} So then our old gentleman is father to Victoria, my young banker Alphonfo's miftrefs, and the other is Fernando his dreaded rival this is the firft time they ever faw each other too. He has a fervant too, and his name Pedrillo a thought ilrikes me, if I could by crofs paths but get to the caftle before 'em, I'd raife a moft delicious commotion In troubled waters I throw my fifhing-hook (Whi/lle without,} Excufe me, gen- i'm engag'd. [Exit oppofitefide. x. 2 SCENE 124 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. SCENE IV. j$n apartment In DON SCIPIO'S caflle* Enter VICTORIA and CAT A LIN A. Cat. Nay, dear madam, do not fubmit to go into the nunnery. Vic. But, Catalina, my father defires I mould take the veil, and a parent's voice is the call of heaven ! Cat. Heav'n! Well, tho' the fellows fwear I'm an angel, this world is good enough for me Dear Ma'm, I wifh I could but once fee you in Jove. Vic. Heigh ho ! Catilina, I wonder what fort of gentleman this Don Fernando is, who is con- traded to me, and hourly expefted at the caftle! Cat. A beautiful man, I warrant But, Ma'm, your'e not to have him. Hu(h ! Dame Ifabel, not content with making your father by flights and ill-ufage, force your brother, poor Don Caefar, to run about the world in the Lord knows what wild courfes, but me now has perfxiaded the old gentleman to pafs her daughter on Don Fernando for you There, yonder (he is flaunting, fo be- jewell'dand be-plum'd Well, if I was you, they might take my birth-right but my hufband take my man the deuce mould take them firft ! Ah, no ! if I ever do go to heav'n I'll have a imart lad in my company. Send you to a nun- nery ! Vic. Was my fond mother alive ! -Catilina, my father will certainly many this Dame Ifabel; I arn THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 125 I am now an alien ro "iis affe&ions, bereft of every joy and every hope, I ihall quit the world without a figh. AIR. F/ Ah, folitude, take my diftrefs, My griefs I'll unbofom to thee, Each figh thou can'ft gently reprefs, Thy filence is mufic to me. Yet peace from my ibnnet may fpring, For peace let me fly the gay throng, To foften my forrows I fmg Yet forrow's the theme of my fong. L Exit Vi&oria. Cat. I'd quit this caftle as foon as ever Donna Victoria enters a nunnery Shall I go with her? No, I was never made for a nun Aye, I'll back to the vineyard, and if my Iweetheart Philippe, is as fond as ever, who knows i was his queen. of all the girls, tho' the charming youth was the guitar, flute, fiddle and hautboy of our village. AIR. Catilina. Like my dear fwain, no youth you'd fee So blythe, fo gay, fo full of glee, Jn all our viii.ige who but he To foot it up fo featly--* His lute to hear, From far and near, Each f>male came, Both girl and dame, And all his boon For every tune, To kifs them round fo fweetly While 126 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA, While round him in the jocund ring, We nimbly danc'd, he'd play or fing, Of may, the youth was chofen king He caught our ears fo neacly. Suchmufic rare, In his guitar, But touch his flute The crowd was mute, His only boon For every tune, To kifs us round fo fweetly. [Exit. Enter VASQUEZ, introducing SPADO. Vaf. I'll inform dame Ifabel, Sir pleafe to wait a moment. [Exit Vafquez. Spa. Sir ! This dame Ifabel is, it feems, a wi- dow-gentlewoman, whom Don Scipio has re- tain'd ever fince the death of his lady, as fupreme direftrefs over his family, has fuch an afcendancy here, that Ihe has even prevail'd on him, to drive his own fon out of his houfe, and, ha, ha, ha ! is now drawing the old Don into a matrimonial noofe, ha, ha, ha ! I am told, rules the roaft here in the caftle Yes, yes, fhe's my mark Hem ! Now for my ftory, but my fcheme is up if I tell a fingle truth Ah, no fear of that. Oh, this way {he moves Enter Dame ISABEL tf#J VASQJJEZ. If. Don Scipio not return'd ! A fooliih old man, rambling about at this time of night ! Stay, Vafquez, where's this ftrange, ugly, little fellow you faid wanted to fpeak with me ? Vaf. (covfufed.) Madam, I did not fay ugly Spa. No matter, young man-^Hem ! [Exit Vafqwz, If. Well, THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.' 127 If. Well, Sir, pray who are you ? Spa. (bowing obfequiwjly .) Madam, I have the honour to be confidential fervant and fecretary to Don Juan, father to Don Fernando de Zelva. If. Don Fernando! Heav'ns! is he arrived? Here, Vafquez, Lopez, Diego! (calling.) Spa. Hold, madam ; he is not arriv'd ! Mofl fagacious lady, pleife to lend your attention for a few moments to an affair of the highcft impor- tance to Don Scipio's family. My young mailer is coming If. Well, Sir ! Spa. Incog. If. Incog! Spa. Madam, you fliall hear (a/idi) Now for a lie worth twenty piftoles The morning before his departure, Don Fernando calls me into his clofet, and (hutting the door, Spado, fays he, you know this obftinate father of mine has en- gag'd me to marry a lady I have never feen, and to-morrow, by his order J fet out for Don Scipio her father's caftle, for that purpofe ; but, fays he, ftriking his breaft with one hand, twifting his muftachios with the other, and turning up his eyes if, when I fee her, fhe don't hit my fancy I'll not marry her, by the ! ! I fiian't mention his oath before you, madam. If. No, pray don't, Sir. Spa. Therefore, fays he, I defign to drefs Pe- drillo, my arch dog of a valet, in a fuit of my clothes, and he mall perfonate me at Don Scipio's caftle, while I, in a livery, pafs for him If I like the lady, I refume my own character, and take her hand, if not, the deceit continues, and Pedrillo weds Donna Victoria, juft to warn pa- rental 128 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. rental tyranny how it dares to clap up marriage without confulting our inclinations. If. Here's a difcovery ! fo then, it's my poor child that muft have fall'n into this mare (ajide.} Well, good Sir ! Spa. ^ And, continued he Spado, I appoint you my trufty fpy in this Don Scipio's family ; to cover our defigns, let it be a fecret that you belong: to me, and I fhan't feem even to know .you You'll eafily get a footing in the family, fays he, by impofing fome lie or other upon a foolifh woman I'm told is in the caftle, Dame Ifabel, I think they call her. If. He fhall find I'm not fo eafily impos'd upon. Spa. I faid fo, madam 5 fays I, a lady of Dame Ifabel's wifdom muft foon find me out were I to tell her a lie. If. Ay, that I mould, Sir. Enter VASI>UEZ. Vaf. Oh, Madam ! my matter is return'd and Don Fernando de Zelva with him. [Exit Vafauex. If. Don Fernando! Oh, then, this is the valet, but I'll give him a welcome with a ven- geance! Spa. Hold, Madam ' Suppofe for a little fporr, you feem to humour the deceit, only to fee how the fellow acts his part, he'll play the gentleman very well I warrant ; he is an excellent mimic, for, you muft know, Ma'am, this Pedrillo's mo- ther was a Gypfy, his father a Merry Andrew to a Mountebank, and he himfelf five years Trum- peter to a company of Strolling Players, If. So, THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 129 If. So, I was likely to have a hopeful fon-in- taw Good Sir, we are eternally indebted to you for this timely notice of the impofition. Spa. I have done the common duties of an ho- neft man I have been long in the family and can't fee my mafter make fuch a fool of himfelf without endeavouring to prevent any mifchance in confequence. If. Dear Sir, I befeech you be at home under tliis roof, pray be free, and want for nothing the ho ufe affords. Sp. (bows.} Good Madam ! I'll want for no- thing I can lay my fingers on. (afide.) (Exit Spado.) If. Heaven's ! what an honeft foul it is ! what a lucky difcovery \ Oh, here comes my darling girl! Enter LORENZ.VJ {magnificently drefs'd.) Lor. Oh, cara Madre ! See, behold ! Can I fail of captivating Don Fernando ? Don't Hook, charming ? If. Why, Lorenza, I muft fay the toilet has done it's duty, I'm glad to fee you in fuch fpirits, my dear child J Lor. Spirits i ever gay, ever fpi ightly, chear- ful as a lark but, my dear mother If. Mother ! Hufh, my love ! you forget you are now to pafs for Donna Vidoria, Don Scipio'S daughter ; and for that purpofe, I had you brought from Italy It fcems your young Ma- drid Lover, Alphonfo too, thinks you Victoria, but you muft forget him, child. Lor. Yes but how fhall I forget my Florence Lover, my dear Ramirez ? I love him, Alphonfo VOL. I. s loves tso THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. loves me, and here for the fake of Fortune mud I give my hand to this Don Fernando, when there can't poffibly be any love on either fide. If. I requeft, my dear, you'll not think of this Ramirez ev'n from your own account of him, he muft be a perfon of moft diflblute principles fortunately he knows you only by your name of Lorenza, I hope he won't find you out here. Lor. Then, farewell, loving Alphonfo Adieu, belov'd Ramirez! In obedience to your com- mands, Madam, I fhall accept of this Don Fer- nando j and as a huiband, I will love him if I can AIR Lorenza. Love ! gay illufion I Pleafing delufion, With Iweet intrufion, Pofleites the mind. Love with love meeting Paffion is fleeting ; Vcr.vs in repeating We truft to the wind. Faith to faith plighted, hove may be blighted ; Hearts often flighted \\~ill ceafe to be kind. Enter VASQUEZ. Vaf. Madam my matter and Don Fernando. //". Has Don Fernando a fervant with him ? Vaf. No Madam. Ij\ Ch, when he comes, take notice of him. Enter THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 131 Enter DON SCIPIO and FERNANDO. Don S. Oh, my darling dame, and my delicate daughter, blefs your ftars that you fee poor Scipio alive again Behold my fon-in-law and the pre- ferver of my life Don Fernando, there's your fpoufe, and this is Donna Ifabella, a lady of vait merit, of which my heart is fenfible. Per. Madam ! (falutes Ifabella.) If. What an impudent fellow ! (afide.) Don S. Dear Fernando, you are as welcome to this cattle as flattery to a lady, but there fhe is bill and coo embrace, carrefs her. (Ferdinand falutes Lorenza.) Lor. If I had never feen Ramirez, I ffiould think the man tollerable enough ! ( a fide} DonS. Ha! ha! this fhall be the happy night Eh, Dame Ifabel, by our agreement, before the lark lings I take pofleflion of this noble tene- ment. Per. Don Scipio, I hop'd to have the honour of feeing your fon. Don S. My fon ! Who, CiEfar ? Oh, Lord ! He's He was a turn'd out a profligate Sent him to Italy got into bad company don't know what's become of him My dear friend, if you would not offend me, never mention Casfar in my hearing. Egad Eh, my dainty dame, is not Don Fernando a fine fellow ! //. Yes, he's well enough for a trumpeter. DonS. Trumpeter! (with furprije) what do you mean by that ? Oh, becaufe I found his praife ; but, Madam, he's a cavalier of noble birth, title, fortune, and valour If. Don Scipio, a word if you pleafe. (takes him afidi) s 2 Lor. 132 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. Lor. (to Fernando] Si, Signer, our cattle here is rather a gloomy manfion when compared to the beautiful Caffino's on the banks of the Arno. Per. Arno ! true, Don Scipio laid in his letter, that his daughter had been educated at Florence. (ffdt) Lcr. You have had an unpleafant journey, Signer. Fer. I have encountered fome difficulties by the way, it is true, Madam ; but am amply re- paid by the honour and happinefs I now enjoy. (bows) Lor. Sir !- I fwear he's a polite cavalier, (afide \Von't you pleafe to fit, Sir ? I fancy you muft be fomewhat weary, (they Jit) Don S. Eh, fure what this fellow only Don Fernando's footman ! how ! it can't be ! If. A facl: ; and prefently you'll fee Don Fer- nando himfelf in livery. Den S. Look at the impudent fon of a gypfey Sat himfelf down By St. lago I'll //". Hold ! let him play off a tew of his airs. Don Sc. A footman ! Ay, this accounts for his behaviour in the foreft Don Fernando would never have accepted my purfe (taps Fernando on thejboulder.) Hey, what, you've got there ! Fer. Will you pleafe to fit, Sir ? (rifes) Don S. Yes, he looks like a trumpeter, (afide) You may fit down, friend, (with contempt) Fer. A ftrangeold gentleman ! Enter VASQUEZ. Vaf. Sir, your fervant Pedrillo, is arriv'd. [Exit Vajqttfz. If. Servant Pedrillo ! Ay, this, is Fernando himfelf. (^ arfj 'mfully.tQ Scipk) Fer. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. j 3J Per. Oh, then the fellow has found his way at laft. Don Scipio Ladies excufe me a moment. [Exit Fernando* Lor. What a charming fellow ! Don S. What an impudent rafcal ! Ped. (without) Is my mafter this way? Don S. Matter ! Ay, this is Fernando. Enter PEDRILLO with a Portmanteau. Ped. Oh, dear! Ive got among the gentle- folks, I afk pardon. If. How well he does look and acl the fervant ! Don. S. Admirable ! Yet I perceive the gran- dee under the livery. If. Pleafe to fit, Sir. (with great refpetf) L.or. A livery fervant fit down by me ! Don S. Pray fit down, Sir. (ceremonioufly.) Ped. Sit down, (fits} Oh, thefe mull be the upper fervants of the family her ladyfhip here is the houfekeeper, I fuppofe^ the young tawdry tit, lady's irfaid (hey, her miftrefs throws off good clothes) and old Whifkers Don Scipio's butler, (afidt) Enter FERN AN DO. Per. Pedrillo ! how ! feated ? what means this difrefpecl ? Ped. Sir. (rifes) Old Whifkers the butler there, afked me to fit down by Senoiita, Furbelow the waiting-maid, here. Per. Sirrah ! Ped. Yes, Sir. Don S. Sir, and firrah ! how rarely they act their parts. I'll give them an item tho' that I imderitand the plot of their comedy, (afidi) A I II jj* THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. AIR. QUINTETTO. D. Scipio. Senor! (to Ptdrillo) Your wits muft be keener, Our prudence to elude, Your fine plot, Tho' fo pat, Will do you little good. Pedrillo. My fine plot ! I'm a fot, If I know what Thefe gentlefolks are at. Fernando. Paft the perils of the night, Tempefts, darknefs, rude alarms ; Phcebus rifes clear and bright, In the luftre of your charms. Lorenza. O, charming, I declare, So polite a cavalier ! , He underftandsthe duty, And homage due to beaaty. D. Scipio Brsvo! O braviHimo ! Lorenza. Caro ! O cnriflimo ! How f'Aeet his honey words, Ho:v noble is his mien ! D. Seipio. Fine feathers make fine birds, The footman's to be feen. But both deferve a bafting ! Pe/friJ/9. Since morning I've been failing. /). Silpio. Yet I could laugh for anger. Pcdnlh. Oh, I could cry for hunger. D. Sc'pio. 1 could laugh. Pedrillo I could cr>\ D. Scipio. I could qnaff, Pedrillo. So could I. D. Scipio. Ha, ha, ha ! I'm in a fit. Ptdrillo. Oh, I could pick a little bit. D. Sc:pio. Ha, ha, ha ! Pedrillo. Oh. oh, 0)1 ! Lorenza. A very pleafant party ! Fernando. A whimfical reception ! D Scipio. A whimfical deception ! Eut matter and man accept a welcome hearty. Fernanda 7 Accept our thnnks fincere, for fuch a welcome Pedrjllo ^ hearty. EXD OE ACT I. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 135 ACT II, SCENE I. An Apartment in the Caftk. Enter DON C.ESAR (with precaution.) DON C/ESAR. THUS far I've got into the Caftle unperceived I'm certain Sanguino means the old gentle- man a mifchief, which nature bids me endea- vour to prevent. I faw the rafcal flip in at the poftern below; but where can he have got to i {A /tiding pannel opens in the ivainfcot. Enter thro* it SANGUINO.) Yes, yonder he ifllies like a rat or a fpider. How now, Sanguino! Sang. Captain Ramirez ! DonC. On enterprize without my know- ledge ! What's your bufinefs here ? Sang. Revenge ! Look (Jhews ajlilhtto.} if I meet Don Scipio Don \tf THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. Don C. I command you to quit your pur- pofe. Savg. What, no fatisfaclion for my wound laft night, and lofe my booty too ! Don C. Your wound was chance Put up- We mail have noble booty here, and that's our bufmefs But you feem to know your ground here, Sanguino? Sang. I was formerly Matter of the Horfe to Count D'Olivi the laft refident, fo am well ac- quainted with the galleries, lobbies, windings, turnings, and every fecret lurking place in the caftle. Don C. Ha, ha, ha ! Well, I have hope o'er our booty here, we can afford to laugh at pad dangers. AIR. Don C*fa?. As homeward from the neighb'ring fair, His grain well fold, difpell'd his care, With jpcound hafte the thrifty fwain Trips o'er the mead and Ikims the plain, He flops ! He views .Oh, dire amaze ! , His flock, his cottage all a blaze I But haft'ning on he looks around, The heath's on fire to clear his ground. His jovial friends to meet him come, To chaunt the cheerful welcome home ; With heart-felt joy the found he hears, And laughs away his former fears. I mift Spado at the mufter this morning did he quit the cave with you ? Spa. (without) As fure as I'm alive it's fact* Sir, Don C. Isn't that his voice ? Sang. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. t 3? Sang. Impoffible ! DtnC. Hufli! (they retire.) Enter DON SCIPIO and SPADO. DonS. Yes, I've heard of fuch places; but you fay you've been in the cave where thefe ruffian banditti live ? Spa. Moft certainly, fir ; for after having robb'd me of five hundred doubloons, the wick- ed rogues barbaroufly ftripp'd, tied me neck and heels, threw me acrofs a mule like a fack of corn, and led me blindfold to their infernal cavern. Don S. Poor fellow ! Spa. There, Sir, in this fkulking hole the villains live in all manner of debauchery, and dart out upon the innocent traveller like beafts of prey. Don S. Oh, the tygers ! juft fo they fattened upon me laft night, but your fellow fervant Pedrillo, our {ham Fernando, made 'em run like hares; I gave him my purfe for his trouble tho'. Spa. And he took it ! what a mean fellow ! -you ought not to have ventured out un- arm'd 1 always take a blunderbufs when I go upon the road the rafcal banditti are moft pi- tiful cowards. Don S. What a glorious thing to deliver thefe reprobates into the hands of jufHce. Spa. Ah, Sir, 'twould be a blefied affair Oh, Pd hang 'em up like mad dogs ! Don S. Well, you fay you know the cave? Spa. Yes, yes, I flipp'd the handkerchief from my eyes and took a peep, made particular ob- VOL, i. T ferva- j 3 8 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. fervations of the fpot; fo get a ftrong guard, and I'll lead you to the very trap door of their den. Don S. then we'll furprize them, and you'll have the prayers of the whole country, my ho- neft friend. Spa. Heav'n knows, Sir, I have no mo- tives for this difcovery but the publick good, fo I expet the country will order me a hundred piftoles as a reward for my 'honed y. Don C. Here's a pretty dog ! (apart.) Sang. Ay, ay, he han't long to live. (apart.) Don S. An hundred piftoles ! Spa. Sir, have an eye upon their Captain as they call him, he's the moft abandon'd, impu- dent, profligate (fuddenly turningfees'Don Cacfar, whojhe'ws a pi/lot.) Captain did I fay. (terrified.) Oh, no ; the Captain's a very worthy good na- tur'd fellow I meant a fcoundrel, who thinks he ought to be Captain, one Sanguino, the moft daring, wicked and bloody villain that (turning the other 'way perceives Sanguine ivitb a piftol.) but indeed, I found Sanguine an honeft good natured fellow too (with increafed terror) Don S. Hey, a bloody, wicked, honeft, good- natur'd fellow ! what is all this ? Spa. Yes ; then, Sir, I thought, I faw thefe two gentlemen, and at that inftant, I thought they looked fo terrible, that with the fright, I auuoke. Don S. Awoke ! what then, is all this but a dream you have been telling me ? Spa. Ay, fir, and the moft frightful dream I ever had in my life. I'm at this inftant fright'n- cd out of my wits. t)on THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; \'$$ "Don S. You do look frighten'd indeed poor man ! I thought this cave was Spa. Don't mention the cave or I faint heigho ! Enter VASQUEZ^ Vaf. Dame Ifabel would fpeak with you, fir. Don S. I'll wait on her. Spa. Yes I'll wait on her. (going bo/lily.} Don S. You ! (he don't want you. Spa. Dear Sir, {he can't do without me at this time. [Exit Don Scipio. I come, (going.) Don C. No you flay. (pulh him back.) Spa. Ah, my dear Captain, (affefting furprize and joy.} What, and my little Sanguine too ! Who could of thought of your finding me out here! Don C. Yes ; you are found out. Spa. Such difcoveries as I have made in the caftle ! Don C. You're to make difcoveries in the forefl too. Sang. Our cave ! Spa. Oh, you overheard that ! Didn't I hum the old fellow finely ? Ha, ha, ha ! Sang. And for your reward, traitor, take this to your heart. [Offers tojlab him. Don. C. Hold, Sanguino Spa. Nay, my dear Sanguino, flay ! What the devil So here, I can't run a jeft upon a filly old man, but I muft be run thro' with aftiletto 1 Don 1 2 143 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. Don. C. Come, Spado, confefs what really brought you here. Spa. Bufinefs, my dear Sir, bufinefs, all in our own way too, fqr I defign'd to let every man of you into the caftle this very night, when all the family are in bed, and plunder's the word Oh, fuch a delicious booty ! pyramids of plate, bags of gold, and little chefts of diamonds ! Sang. Indeed! Spa. Sanguino, look at that clofet. Sang. Well ! Spa. A glorious prize ! Sang. Indeed ! Spa. Six chefts of maffy plate ! Look, only- look into the clofet ; wait here a moment, and I'll fetch a mafter-key that mall open every one of them. Don C. Hey ! Let's fee thofe chefts. Sang. Maffy plate ! Quick, quick, the mafter key. Spa. I'll fetch it. Sang. Do, but make hafte, Spado. Spa. I will, my dear boy. [Exit Sanguino into tie clofet. My good honeft Oh, you two thieves ! (afide.) [Exit Spado. DoriC. Yes, I'll avail myfelf of the power^my influence over our Banditti has put into my hands j this night mall give me pofleflion of the caftle ; I'll fee if terror can't reftore that right of which injuftice has deprived me perform my promife to Alphonfo, quit my honeft compani- ons carry my fpoil to Florence, and with my fond little Lorenza enjoy the delights of love and competence. Re-enter THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. i*t Re-enter SANGUINO. Sang. A valuable booty, I dare fay, Cap- tain. Don C. (Looking in.) Ay, to judge by the form of the chefts they do feem full of clumfy old plate. Sang. If we can but convey it off. Don S. Yes. but I infift, Sanguino, no more of the poniard. Sang. It's fheath'd Enough But, Captain, if this little rafcal, Spado, Ihould turn informer and difcover us, Don S. (without) I'll be with you prefently, Dame. DonC. Away, a way, to your lurking place. Sang. Yes, yes, thofe pregnant chefts muft be delivered. \_they ha/lily retire into panneL Enter DON SCIPIO. DonS. Now, Spado, I hey, where is my little dreamer ? but why is this door open j this clofet contains many valuables -Why will they leave it open ? Let's fee (goes into the clofet,) Enter SPADO (-with a portmanteau^ Spa. (as entering.) I have no key How- ever I have ftol'n Don Fernando's portman- teau as a peace offering for thefe two raf- cals ! (lays it on table.) Are you there ! What a pity the coming of my fellow-rogues ! I Ihould have had the whole caftle to my- felf 1 4 2 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. felf Oh, whaf a charming feat of work for a man of my induftry (Jpeaking at clofet door.) You find the chefts there You may convey them out at night, and as for cutting Don Sci- pio's throat that I leave to Enter DON SCIPIO, Don S. Cut my throat ! What are you at your dreams again ? Spa. (ajide) Oh, zounds ! Yes Sir, as I was telling you. Don 8. Of a little fellow you have the worft dreams I ever heard. Spa. Shocking Sir then I thought Don S. Hold, hold, let me hear no more of your curft dreams. Spa. I've got off, thanks to his credulity. \afide. Don S. What portmanteau's that ? Spa. I'm on again ! (afide.) Don S. Fernando's I think. Spa. (affefti?igfurprife) What, my matter's fo it is. But 1 wonder who could have brought it here. Ay, ay, my fellow fervant Pedrillo is now too grand to mind his bufinefs; And my matter I find, tho' he has taken the habit fcorns the office of a fervant So I muft look after the things my felf. Don S. Ay, ay, take care of them. Spa. Yes, Sir, I'll take care of them ! Don S. Ha, ha, ha ! what a ftrange whim- fical fellow this mafter of yours! with his plots anddifguifes. Think to impofe upon me too. But I think I'm far from, a tool. Spa. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; 143 Spa. (looking archly at him.'] That's more than I am. Don S. So he pretends not to know you, tho* he has fent you here as a fpy to fee what you can pickup? Spa. Yes, Sir, I came here to fee what I can pickup, (takes up the portmanteau.) Don S. What an honeft fervant ! he has an eye to every thing. [Exit Don Scipio. Spa. But before I turn honeft, I muft get fomewhat to keep me fo. AIR Spado. In the forefthere hard by, A bold robber late was I, Sword and blunderbufs in hand, When I bid a trav'ller ftand : Zounds deliver up your cam, Or ftrait I'll pop and flam, All among the leaves fo green-o, Damme, fir, If you ftir, Sluice your veins, Blow your brains, Hey down. Ho down, Derry, derry down, All amongft the leaves fo green-o. II Soon I'll quit the roving trade, When a gentleman I'm made ; Then fo fpruce and debonnaire, 'Gad, I'll court a lady fair ; How I'll prattle, tattle, chat, How I'll kifs her, and all that, AH amongft the leaves fo green-o! How d'ye do ? How are you ? Why 144 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA,' Why fo coy ? Let us toy, Hey down, Ho down, Derry, derry down, All amongft the leaves fo green-o. Ill But ere old, and grey my pate, I'll fcrape up a fnug eftate ; With my nimblenefs of thumbs, 1*11 foon butter all my crumbs. When I'm juftice of the peace, Then I'll mafter many a leafe, All amongtt the leaves fo green-o. Wig profound, Belly round, Sit at eafe. Snack the fees, Hey down, Ho down, Derry, derry down, All amongft the leaves fo green-o. SCENE II. A Saloon. Enter FERNANDQ. Per. A wild fcheme of my father's to think of an alliance with this mad family ; yes, Don Scipio's brain is certainly touch'd beyond cure, his daughter, my cara fpofa of Italy don't fuit my idea of what a wife fliould be no, the love- ly novice, this poor relation of Dame Ifabel has caught my heart. I'm told t -morrow file's to be THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA: tjg IDC immur'd in a convent i what if I afk Dame Ifabel, if but ihe, and indeed Don Scipio carry themfelves very ftrangely towards me I can't imagine what's become of my rafcal Pedrillo. Enter PEDRILLO, in an elegant morning gown^ cap and flippers. Ted. Strange, the refpect I meet with in this fa- fnily; I hope we don't take horfe after my maf~ ter's wedding. 1 I fliou'd like to marry here my- felf ^before I unrobe I'll attack one of the maids! Faith a very modifti drefs to go courting in hide my livery and I am quite gallant. Per. Oh, here's a gentleman I haven't feen yet. Ped. Tolderol Fer. Pray, Sir, may I -Pedrillo! (furprifed) where have you hey ! what, ha, ha, ha ! what's the matter with you ! Ped. Matter! Why Sir, I don't know how it was, but fome how or other laft night, I hap-* pen'd to fit down to a fupper of only twelve co- vers, crack'd two bottles of choice wine, flept in an embroider'd bed, where I funk in down, and lay 'till this morning like a diamond in cotton. So, indeed, Sir, I don't know what's the mat- ter with me. F-er. I can't imagine how, or what it all means. Ped. Why, Sir, Don Scipio, being a gentle- man of difcernment, perceives my worth, and values it. Fer. Then Sir, if you are a gentleman of fuch prodigious merit, be fo obliging, with fubmiflion to your cap and gown, to pull off my boots. {Pedrillo fto'ops) VOL. i. g Enter THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA,* Enter VASQUEZ. Vaf. Sir, the ladies wait breakfaft for (to Pedrillo, who rijes haftily.) Fer. My refpects, I attend 'em. Vaf* You ! I mean his honour here. Ped, Oh, you mean my honour here. Per. Well, but perhaps my good friend, I may chufe a dilh of chocolate as well as his ho* nour here. Vaf. Chocolate, ha, ha, ha ! (with ajneer) fed. Chocolate, ha, ha, ha ! Fer. I'll teach you to laugh, Sirrah ! (Jlrikei Pedrillo} Ped. Teach me to laugh ! you may be a good matter, but you've a very bad method hey for chocolate and the ladies. \_Exeunt Pedrillo and Vafquez*. Per. Don Scipio fhall render me an account for this treatment, bear his contempt, and be- come the butt for the jefts of his infolent fer- vants! As I don't like his daughter, I have now a fair excufe, and indeed ajuft caufe to break my contract, and quit his caftle; but then, I leave behind the millrefs of my foul. Suppofe I make her a tender of my heart but that might offend, asfbe mull know my hand is engaged to another. When I look'd, me turn'd her lovely eyes averted dooni'd to a nunnery ! AIR. Fernando. My fair one like the blufhing rofe, Can fweets to every ienfe difclofe : Thofe l\vects I'd gather, but her fcorn Then wounds me like the lharpeft thorn. r THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 147 "With fighs each grace and charm I fee Thus doom'd to wither on the tree, 'Till age {hall chide the thonghtlefs maid, When all thofe blooming beauties fade. Hey, who comes here ? oh the fmart little Sou- brette who feems fo much attach'd to the beauti- ful novice No harm to fpeak with her Enter CATALINA; So my pretty primrofe ! Cat. How do| you do, Mr. (fert and fami- liar} 1 don't know your name. Per. Not know my name ! You muft know who I am tho', and my bufmefs here, child ? Cat. Lord, man, what fignifies your going about to fift me when the whole family knows you're Don Fernando's footman. Per. Am I faith ? Ha, ha, ha ! I'll humor this (afide} Well, then, my dear, you know that I am only Don Fernando's footman ? Cat. Yes, yes, we know that, notwithftanding your fine clothes. Per. But where's my matter ? Cat. Don Fernando ! he's parading the gallery yonder in his mam livery and morning-gown. Per. Oh, this accounts for twelve covers at fupper, and the embroider'd bed ; but who could have fet fuch a j eft a going ? I'll carry it on tho' *(afide} So then after all I am known here ? Cat. Ay, and if all the importers in the caftle were as well known, we fhou'd have no wedding to-morrow night. Ftr. Something elfe will out I'll feem to be in the fecret, and perhaps may come at it i? 2 (a(ide\ 148 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. (afide) Ay, ay, that piece of deceit is much worfe than ours: Cat. That ! what then you know that this Ita lian lady is not Don Scipio's daughter, but Dame Ifabel's, and her true name Lorenza ? Per. Here's a difcovery ! (aftde) Oh yes, I know that. Cat. You do ! Perhaps you know too, that the young lady you faw me fpeak with juft now is the real Donna Victoria? Per. Is it poffible ! Here's a piece of villainy ! (afide) Charming ! let me kifs you, my dear girl, (ki/es her) Cat. Lord, he's a delightful man ! (afide) er. My little angel, a thoufand thanks for this precious difcovery. Cat. Difcovery ! Well if you did not know- it before, hang your aflurance, I fay but I muft about my bufinefs, can't play the lady as you play'd the gentleman, I've fomething elfo to do ; fo I defire you won't keep kiffing me her$ 11 day. I have a lover of my own, So kind and true is he j As true, I love but him alone, And he loves none but me. I boaft not of his velvet down, On cheeks of rofy hue, His fpicy breath, his ringlets brown I prize the heart that's true. So to all elfe I muft fay nay; They only fret and teaze : Pear youth, 'tis you alone that may Come court me whgn you pleaie. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 14$ I play'd my love a thoufand tricks, Jn feeming coy and fhy ; 'Twas only, 'ere my heart I'd fix, I thought his love to try. So to all elfe, &c. [Exit. Per. Why what a villain .is this Don Scipio ! ungrateful to but I fcorn to think of the fer- vices I render'd him laft night in the foreft, a falfe friend to my father, an unnatural parent to jhis amiable daughter! Here my charmer comes. [Retires, Enter VICTORIA. Vic. Yes Catalina muft be miftaken, it is im- poflible he can be the fervant, no, no ; that dig- nity of deportment and native elegance of man- ner can never be aflum'd, yonder he walks, and my fluttering heart tejls me, this is really the amiable Fernando, that I muft refign to Dame Jfabe.l's daughter. Per. Stay, lovely Victoria ! Vic. Did you call me, Sir ! Heav'ns what have I faid ! (confufed) I mean, Senor, wou'd you wifli to fpeak with Donna Victoria ? I'll inform her, Sir. (going) Fer. Oh, I cou'd fpeak to her for ever, for ever gaze upon her charms, thus transfix'd with \vonder and delight, Vic. Pray, Senor, fuffer me to withdraw. 1 Per. For worlds I wou'd not offend; but think not lady, 'tis the knowledge of your qua,- Jity that attracts my admiration, pic. Nay, Senor 1 5 o THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA: Per. I know you to be Don Scipio's daugh- ter, the innocent victim of injuftice and oppref- fion, therefore I acknowledge to you, and you alone, that whatever you may have heard to the contrary, I really am Fernando de Zelva. Vie. Senor, how you became acquainted with the fecret of my birth I know not ; but from an acquaintance fo recent, your compliment I re- ceive as a mode of polite gallantry without a purpofe. Per. What your modefty regards as cold com- pliments, are fentiments, warm with the deareft purpofe ; I came hither to ratify a contract with Don Scipio's daughter! you are his daughter, the beautiful Victoria, deftin'd for the happy Fernando. Concurrent to a parent's will, my hand is your's already. And thus on my knees let me make an humble tender of my heart. Vic. Pray, rife, Senor ! My father perhaps even to himfelf cannot juftify his conduct to me; But to cenfure that, or to pervert his inten- tions, wou'd in me be a breach of filial duty. AIR. Victoria. By woes thus furrounded, how vain the gay fmile Of the little blind archer, thofe woes to beguile \ Tho' fkilful, he mifies, his aim it is croft, His quiver exhausted, his arrows are loft. Your love, tho' fincere, on the object you lofe, {djide) How fweet is the paffion! Ah, muftlrefufe^ If filial afteftion that paffion ftiould fway, Then love's gentle dictates I cannot obey. Fer. And do you, can you wifli me to efpoufe Signora Lorenza, Isabella's daughter? Say you do not, do but fatisfy me fo far. >THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA . i 5 i F/V. Senor, do not defpife me if I own, that before I faw in you the hufband of Don Scipio's daughter, I did not once regret that I had loll that title. Per. A thoufand thanks for this generous, this amiable condefcenfion, Oh, my Victoria! If fortune but favours my defign, you lhall yet triumph over the malice of your enemies. Vic. Yonder is Dame Ifabel, if me fees you fpeaking to me, fhe'll be early to fruftrate what- ever you may purpofe for my advantage. Se- nor farewell ! Fer. My life, my love adieu ! [Exit Viftoria DUET. Viftorla and Fernando* "Idalian queen, to thee we pray, ; Record each tender vow ; As night gives place to chearful day* Let hopes of future blifs allay, The pangs we fuffer now. Fer. This is fortunate ; the whole family ex- cept Victoria, are firmly pofleft with the idea that I am but the fervant. Well, fince they will Lave me an impoftor, they mall find me one ; In heav'n's name, let them continue in their miftake, and beflow their mock Victoria upon my mam Fernando. I mail have a pleafant and juft revenge for their perfidy ; and perhaps ob- tain Don Scipio's real, lovely daughter, the mm of my wifhes. Here comes Don Scipio now to begin my operations. Enter j S i THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; Enter DON SCIPIO. Don S. Ay here's the impudent Valet. Per. (as wijhing Don Scipio to overhear him) Pol quite weary of playing the gentleman, I long to get into my livery again. Don S. Get into his livery ! (a fide) Per. Thefe cloaths fall to my fhare however j my mafter will never wear 'em after me. Don S. His mafter ! ay, ay ! (afide) Per. I wifli he'd own himfelf, for I'm certain Don Scipio fufpects who I am. Don S. Sufpect ! I know who you are, (ad- vancing) So get into your livery again as faft as you can. Per. Ha, my dear friend, Don Scipio, I was Don S. Friend ! you impudent rafcal ! I'll break your head if you make fo free with me. None of your fwaggering, Sirrah. How the fellow acts, 'twasn't for nothing he was among the {trolling players, but harkee, my lad, be quiet, for you're blown here without the help of your trumpet. Per. Lord your honor, hpw came you to know that I am Pedrillo ? Don S. Why I was told of it by your fellow hold, I muft not betray my little dreamer tho' (^//^yNomatter who told me; I but here comes your mafter. Per. Pedrillo ! The fellow will fpoil all ; I wifli I had given him his leflbn before I began with Don Scipio. (efide) Don S. I hope he'll now ha' done with his gambols. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 153 for. Sir, my matter is fuch an obflinate gen- tleman, as fure as you ftand here, he'll ftill deny himfelf to be Dob Fernando. Don S. Will he ? then I'll write his Father an account of his vagaries. Enter PEDRILLOV 1W. Matter ! mall I fhave you this morning ? Don S. Shave ! Oh, my dear Sir, time to give Over your tricks and fancies. Ped. (furprifed') My tricks and fancies ! Per. Yes Sir, you ire found out. Ped. I am Found out ! Don S. So you may as well confefs. Pea. What the devil (hall I confefs. Don S. He flill perfiftsl Harkee, young gen- tleman, 1'il fend your father an account of your pranks, and he'll trim your jacket for you. fed. Nay, Sir, for the matter o* that, my fa- ther Tell Pedrillo where you have left yottr matter's portmanteau* While I go lead him in triumph to his bride. [Exit. Per. Pray, my good, hew, old friend, where has your care depofited this portmanteau ? Spa. Gorte ! (looking after Don Scipio.) Fer. The portmanteau gone ! Spa. Ay, his fenfes quite Fer. Where's the portmanteau that Don Scipio fays you took charge of? Spa. Pottmanteau ! Ah, the dear gentleman 1 Poi cmariteau did he fay ? yes, yes, all's over with his poor brain ; yefterday his head ran upon purfes and trumpeters and the lord knows what^ and to-day he talks of nothing but dreamers, fpics, and portmanteaus. Yes, yes, his wits are going. Fen THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; i6j Per. It muft be fo, he talk'd to me laft night and to-day of I know not what in a ftrange inco- herent ftile. Spa. Grief all grief. Per. If fo, this whim of my being Pedrillo, is perhaps the creation of his own brain, but then, how cou'd it have run thro' the whole fa- mily. This is the firft time I ever heard Doa Scipio was diforder'd in his mind. Spa. Ay, we'd all wifli to conceal it from your matter, leaft it might induce him to break off the match, for I don't fuppofe he'd be very ready to marry into a mad family. Per. And pray what are you, Sir, in this mad family ? Spa. Don Scipio's own gentleman, thefe ten years Yet, you heard him juft now call me your fellow fervant. How you did flare when I ac- cofted you as an old acquaintance ! But we always humour him, I fhou'd not have contra- dicted him if he faid I was the pope's nuncio. Per. (afide) Oh, then I don't wonder at Dame Ifabel taking advantage of his weaknefs. Spa. Another new whim of his, he has taken a fancy that every body has got a ring from him, which he imagines belong'd to hisdeceas'd lady: Per. True, he alked me fomething about a ring. Don S. (without} I'll wait on you prefently. Enter DON SCIPIO. Don S. Ha, Pedrillo, now your difguifes are over return me the ring, (to Fernando) ^ Spa. (apart to Fernando} You fee he's at the ring again. VOL. i. y Don. S. i6t THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. Don S. Come let me have it, lad, I'll give yotJ fomething better, but that ring belong'd to my deceas'd lady. Spa. (to Fernando) His deceas'd lady Ay there's the touch grief for her death. Per. Poor gentleman ! (ajide.) Don S. Do, let me have it, Here's five pif- toles, and the gold of the ring is not worth a- dollar. Spa. We always humour him, give him this ring and take the money. [apart, gives Fernando a ring* Per. ( prefents it to Don Scipio.) There, Sir. Don S. (gives money.) And there, Sir, -Oh you mercenary rafcal. (afide) I knew it was on the purfe I gave you laft night in the foreft. Spa. Give me the cafli, I muft account for his pocket money. [apart to and taking the money from Fernando. Ped. (without) Pedrillo ! Pcdrillo ! Sirrah ! Don S. Kun, don't you hear your mafter, you brace of rafcals ? Fly ! [Exit Spad. Don S. (looking out) What an alteration ! Enter Pedrillo richly drefs'd. Ped. (to Fernando) How now, Sirrah ? loiter- ing here, and leave me to drefs myfelf, hey \ (with great autlwity.) Per. Sir, I was (with humility) Ped. Was ! and are and will be, a lounging rafcal, but you fancy you are ftill in your finery, you idle vagabond ! Den S. Blefs me, Don Fernando is onate juft like his father. Per. THE CASTLI OF ANDALUSIA. 16^ Fer. The fellow, I fee, will play his part to the top. (afide^ Fed. Well, Don Scipio, A hey ! an't I the man for the ladies? I am, for I have ftudied Ovid's art of Love. Don S. Yes, and Ovid's Metamorphofes too, ha, ha, ha! Fed. (afide) Ke, he, he! what a fneaking figure my poor mafter cuts. Egad, I'll pay him back all his domineering over me. (fits) Pedrillo ? Fer. Your honour. Fed, Fill this box with Naquatoch. [Gives box. Fer. Yes, Sir. (going) Fed. Pedrillo! Fer. Sir? Fed. Perfume my handkerchief. Fer. Yes, Sir. (geing) Fed. Pedrillo. Fer. Sir? 1 Fed. Get me a tooth-pick; Fer. Yes Sir, (going) Fed. Pedrillo ! Fer. (afide ) What an impudent dog ! Sir ! Fed. Nothing Abfcond. Fer, (ajide) If this be my picture, I blufh for the original. Fed. Mifter ! to be like you, do let me give you one kick, (afide to Fernando.) Fer. What! Fed. Why, I won't hurt you much. Fer. I'll break your bones, you villain; Fed. Ahem, tol de rol. Don S. Pedrillo ! Fed, Sir? (forgetting himfelf) Fer. (apart) vVhat are you at yourafcal? Fed. Ay, what are you at you rafcal ? avoid ! (to Fernando) y 2 Fer, 164 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. Per. I'm gone, S.ir. \Ex\t* Ped. Curft ilUnatur'd of him, not to let me give him one kick, (a/ide) Don S. Don Fernando, I like you viftly. Ped. So you ought. Tol de rol. Who cou'd now fufpecl me to be the fon of a taylor, and that four hours ago, I was a footman, (ajide) Tol de rol. Don S. Son-in-law, you're a flaming beau ! Egad you have a princely perfon. Ped. All the young girls whenever I got be- hind infide of the coach all the ladies of dif- tinction, whether they were making their beds, or drefling the drefling themfelves at the toi- lette, wou'd run to the windows, peep thro* their fingers, their fans, I mean, fimper behind their handkerchiefs, and lifp out in the fofteft, fweeteft tones, Oh, dear me, upon my honour and reputation, there is not iuch a beautiful gentleman in the world, as this fame Don Pe- drill Fernando. Don S. Ha, ha, ha ! can't forget Pedrillo. But come, ha' done with your Pedrillo's now Be yourfelf, fon-in-law. Ped. .Yes, I will be yourfelf's fon-in-law, you are fure of that honor, Don Scipio, but pray what fortune am I to have with your daughter ? You are a grey-headed old fellow Don Scipio, and by the courfe of nature, you know you can- not live long. Don S. Pardon me, Sir, I don't know any fuch thing. Ped. So when we put a (tone upon your bead Don S. Put a ftone upon my head ! THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 165 Ped. Yes, when you are fettled fcrewed down, I fhall have your daughter to maintain, you know. Don S. (fi/ide) A narrow-minded fpark ! Fed. Not chat I wou'd think much of that, I am fo generous. Don S, Yes, generous as a Dutch ufurer. \afidt. Ted. The truth is, Don Scipio I was always a fmart young gentleman. [Dances andfmgs. Don S. Since Don Fernando turns out to be fuch a coxcomb, faith I'm not forry that my old child has efcap'd him: A convent itfelf is bet- ter than a marriage with a monkey. The poor thing's fortune tho'! And then my ion I be- gin now to think I was too hard upon Cxfar to compare him with this puppy, but I muft forget my Children, Dame Ifabel will have me upon no other terms, (afide^} Fed. D'ye hear, Don Scipio, let us have a plentiful feaft. Don S. Was ever fuch a conceited, empty, im- pudent [Exit. Fed. Yes, I'm a capital fellow, ha, ha! So my fool of a mafter fets his wits to work after a poor girl that I am told they are packing into a convent, and he drefles me up as himfelf to car- ry the rich heirefs. Donna Victoria! Well I'm not a capital fellow ! but I was made for a gen- tleman gentleman ! I'm the neat pattern for a Lord I have a little honour about me, a bit of love too; ay, and a fcrap of courage, perhaps Jiem ! I wim I'd a rival to try it tho' od, I think I could fight at any weapon from a needle to a hatchet. Enter i66 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. Enter PHILLIPPO, with a letter and Eajket. Phil. Senor, are you Don Fernando de Zelva ? Ped Yes, boy. Phil Here's a letter for you, Sir, from Don Alphonfo. Ped. I don't know any Don Alphonfo, boy. What's the letter about ? Phil. I think, Sir, 'tis to invite you to a fcaft. Ped. A feaft! -Oh, I recoiled* now, Don Alphonfo, what ? my old acquaintance ! give it me, boy. Phil. But, arc you fure, Sir, you're Don Fernando ? Ped. Sure, you dog ! don't you think I knowmyfelf let's fee, let's fee (Opens the letter and reads.) " Senor, tho' you feem ready to fall M to on a love-feaft, I hope a fmall repaft in the " field won't fpoil your ftomach" Oh, this is only afnack before fupper. " I fhall be at fix o'clock this evening" You dog it's paft fix now " in the meadow near the Cottage of the Vines, where I expect you'll meet me." Oh dear, I mail be too late! " As you afpire to " Donna Victoria, your fword muft be long " enough to reach my heart, Alphonfo." My fword long enough ! (frightened) Feaft ! this is a downright challenge. Phil. I beg your pardon, Senor, but if I hadn't met my fweetheart, Catalina, you would have had that letter two hours ago. Pt4. Oh, you have given it time enough my brave boy. Pbil; THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 167 Phil. Well, Sir, you'll come? Ped. Eh ! Yes, 1 dare fay he'll come. Phil. He! Ped. Yes, I'll give it him, my brave boy. Phil. Him ! Sir. didn't you fay you were Ped. Never fear, child, Don Fernando fhall have it. Phil. Why, Sir,an't you Don Fernando? Ped. Me, not I, child, no, no. I'm not Fer- nando, but, my boy, I would go to the feaft, but you have delay'd the letter fo long, that I have quite loft my appetite Go, my fine boy. Phil. Sir, I Ped. Go along, child, go ! (puts Philippo off) however Don Fernando fliall attend you but here comes my fpofa Enter LORENZA, reading a letter. ** Deareft Lorenza ! By accident I heard of My lips the feal, what am'rous fmacki I'd print on yours, if fealing-wax. No more I'll fay, you ftop my breath. My only life, you'll be my death. [ r '/ ff > Well faid, little Pedrillo! (wipes his knees) Lor. There is fomething in Don Fernando's paflion extremely tender, though romantic and extravaganza. Ped. Oh, for fome fweet founds, Senora, if you'll THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 169 you'll fing me a fong, I'll (lay and hear it, I'm io civil. Lor. With pleafure, Signer. AIR. Lorenza. Heart beating, Repeating, Vows in palpitation, ^ Sweetly anfwers each fond hope ; Prithee leave me, You'll deceive me After other beauties running; Smiles fo roguiih, eyes fo cunning Shew where points the inclination. [Exeunt, SCENE II. A Gallery in the Cajlle. Enter FERNANDO, ALPHONSO and VICTORIA. Fer. Give me joy, Alphonfo, father Benedict in this dear and wifli'd for union has this mo- ment made me the happieit of mankind. Alph. Then it is certain all you have told me of my Vidoria ? Vic. True indeed, Alphonfo, that name really belongs to me. Alpb. No matter, as neither lineage, name or fortune caught my heart, let her forfeit all, fhe is ftill dear to her Alphonfo. Fer. Courage, I'll anfwer you mall be no ex- ception to the general joy of this happy night. VOL. I. 7. i 70 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. Alph. Happy, indeed, if bleft with my renza. Come ye hours, with blifs replete, Bear me to my charmer's feet ! Cheerlefs winter muft I prove, Abfent from the maid I love ; But the joys our meetings bring Shew the glad return of fpring- [Exeunt'i SCENE III. A vieiv of the outftde of the Co/lie^ with Meat an$ Drawbridge. Enter DON CAESAR, and SPADO. Don C. You gave my letter to the lady ? Spa. Yes, I did, Captain Ramirez. Don C. Lucky me knows me only by tha$ name, (a/lde) The Billet Doux, ah, didft thou bear, To my Lorenza charming fair? I fee how look'd the modeft maid, I hear the gentle things ihe faid. The mantling blood her cheek forfakes, Bt quick returns the rofy hue ; With trembling haile the feal me breaks, And reads my tender Billet Doux, The Billet Doux when I receive, I prefs it to my throbbing heart ; Sweet words I cry, fuch joys you give, Qh, never never thence depart, THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; >?t And now it to my lips is preft, But when the magic name I view, Again I clafp it to my breaft, My fond, my tender Billet Doux ! Spa. A love-affair, hey,- Oh, fly ! Don C. Hafli ! Mind you let us all in by the little wicket in the eaft rampart. Spa. I'll let you in, Captain, and a banditti is like a cat, where the head can get in the body will follow. Don C. Soft ! Letting down the drawbridge for me now, may attract obfervadon. (looking out) Yonder I can crofs the moat. Spa. But my dear Captain ! If you fall into the water, you may take cold.^I wifh you were at the bottom with a (lone about your neck, (afide) AIR. Don Cafar. At the peaceful midnight hour, Ev'ry fenfe> and ev'ry pow'r, Fetter'd lies in downy fleep ; Then our careful watch we keep j While the wolf in nightly prowl, Bays the moon with hideous howl, Gates are barr'd, a vain refiftance 1 Females Ihriek ; but no affiftance, Silence, or you meet your fate 5 Your keys, your jewels, cafh and plate j Locks, bolts, bars, foon fly afunder, Then to rifle, rob and plunder. [Exit Don Cxfar* Spa, I fee how this is -our Captain's to carry off the lady and my brethren all the booty, what's left for me then ? No, devil a bit they'll give me Oh, I muft take care to help myfelf in time Got nothing yet but that portman- z 2 teau, ,*r< THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.' teau, a few filver fpoons and tops of pepper- caftors ; let's fee-, I've my tools here ftill (takes cuts piftols) I'll try and fecure a little before thefc fellows come, and make a general fvveep Eh, (looks out} My made-up Fernando! [Retires. Enter PEDRILLO. Fed. He, he, he ! Yes, my matter has certain* ly married the little nunnery-girl Ha, ha, ha ! Don Alphonfo to demand fatisfadion of me! no, no, Don Fernando is a matter for the gentlemen, I am a man for the ladies. AIR. Pcdrilh. A foldier I am for a lady, What beau was e'er arm'd compleater ? When face to face, Her chamber the place, I'm able and willing to meet her. Gad's curfe, my dear lafles, I'm ready To give you all fatisfaftion ; I am the man For the crack of your fan, Tho' I die at your feet in the aflion. Your bobbins may beatt up a row-de-dow, Your lap-dog may out with his bow-wow-wow, The challenge in love, I rake up the glove, Tho' I die at your feet in the aftion. Spa. (advances} That's a fine fong, Senor. Fed. Hey ! did you hear me fing ? Spa. I did, 'twas charming. Fed. Then take a pinch of my Macquabah. (offer s, Spado takes.) Spa. Now> Senor, you'll pleafe to difcharge my little bill. Fed. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 17; /W. Bill ! I don't owe you any Spa. Yes, you do, Sir; recoiled, didn't you ever hire any thing of me ? Fed. Me! no! Spa. Oh, yes ; I lent you the ufe of my two fine ears to hear your fong, and the ufe of my moft capital nofe to muff up your Macquabah. Fed. Eh! what do you hire out your fenfes and organs. Spa. Yes, and if you don't inftantly pay the hire, I'll ftrike up a fymphonia on this little bar- rel-organ here, (fiews a piftol) Fed. Hold, my dear Sir there (gives mo- ney) I refufe to pay my debts ! Sir, I'm the mod punctual ( frighten* d) but if you pleafe, rather than hire them again, I'd chufe to buy your fine nofe and your capital ears out and out. Spa. Hark'ee (in a low tone) You owe your Donfiiip to a fineffe of mine, fo mention this, and you are undone, Sirrah ! Fed. Sir! (frighten d) Dear Sir! (Spado pre- fers piftol) Oh, lord, Sir ! [*//. Spa. Ha, ha, ha ! They call me little Spado why I am not big but even Sanguine allow'd I was a clever little fellow. Aftonifhing how a foul like mine, cou'd be pack'd in fo fmall a compafs, but if worth is to be eftimated by bulk, then muft the Orient pearl give way to the goofe's egg, and the mofs rofe to the reel cab- bage. AIR. Spado. Tho' born to be little's my fate, Why fo was the great Alexander ; And when I march under a gate, I've no need to floop like a gander j I'm $74 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA, I'm no linkum long hoddy-doddy, Whofe paper kite fails in the Iky ; If two feet 1 want in my body, In foul I am thirty feet high ! II. Sweet lafs, of fweet love can you fail, With fuch a compad little lovy? Tho' no one can talte the big whale, All relilh the little anchovy. The eagle, tho' for an high flyer, Of fine-feather'd fowl is the crack, Yet when he cou'd fly up no higher, The little wren jump'd on his back. En'er PHFLIPPO towards the dofe of tie air. Phil. Lord, Sir! I do vaftly like your finging. Spa. Oh, then you heard my fine fong. Phil. Yes, Sir. Spa. How did you get in ? Phil. In ! Spa. Did you pay at the door ? Phil. What door, Sir ? Sfa. What door, Sir! the door of this fpa- cious theatre. Phil. Theatre ! Lord, Sir, are'nt we out in the open air ? Spa You little equivocating fneaking fcoun- drel! wou'd you cheat, defraud a man of ge- nius out of the reward of his talents ? What, hear my fweet fong, and not pay or your mu- lick. Phi!. Pay ! Spa.. O, ho ! I fee fomebody's likely to be robb'd here! Look'e friend, I'm not to be bilk'd, -fo if you don't this inflant pay, I mud difcharge THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 175 difcharge my door-keeper, here he is -(Jbews a />!>/) Phil, (crying) And muft I give all the money Don Scipio gave me for my whole bafket of grapes, (gives money) A plague o' your mufick \ Oh, oh \ [Exit crying. Spa. What, you villain ! I fufpeft prefently this houfe will be too hot for me, yet the devil tempts me ftrongly to venture in once more, if I cou'd but pick up a few more articles Kcod, I'll venture, tho' I feel an ugly fort of tickling under my left ear Oh, poor Spado ! [Exit, SCENE IV ; and loft. A HcM in the CaJtU. Enter SPADO. Spa. So many eyes about 1 can do nothing ; if I cou'd but rails a commotion to employ their attention Oh ! hei e's Don Juan, father to Fer- nando, ju(t arriv'd Yes, to mix up a fine con- fufion now aye, that's the time to pick up the loofe things but hold, I am told this Don Juan is very paffionate heh ! to fet him and Don Scipio together by the ears Ears! I have it. Enter DON JUAN in a travellmgdrefs, and Servant. Don J. My coming will furprize my fon Fer- nando, and Don Scipio too tell him, I'm here I hope I'm time enough for the wedding. [Exit Serv. Spa, A grim looking old gentleman! {Bows obfequioufly.) DonJ. i;f THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; Don J. Who's dog are you ? Spa. How do you do, Scnor ? Don J. Why, are you a phyfician ? Spa. Me a phyfician ! Alack-a-day, no, your honour, I am poor Spado. Don J. Where's Don Scipio ? What is this his hofpitality ? he has heard that 1 am here ? Spa. He hear ! Ah, poor gentleman hear ! his misfortune ! Don J. Misfortune ! what, he's married again ? Spa. At the brink. Don J. Marry and near threefcore, what, has he loft his fenfes ? Spa. He has loft nearly one, Sir. Don J. But where is he ? I want to aflc hhr* about it. Spa. Afk, then you muft fpeak very loud, Sir. Don. J. Why, is he deaf? Spa. Almoft Sir, the dear gentleman can fcarce hear a word. Don J. Ah, poor fellow ! Hey ! Isn't yonder my fon ? (walks tip.} Spa. Now if I could bring the eld ones together, I fhouldn't doi:bt of a quarrel. Enter DON SCIPIO. DonS Ah, here's my friend Don Juan I Spa- do, I hope he han't heard of his fon's pranks ! Spa. Hear ! Ah, poor Don Juan's hearing ! I've been roaring to him thefe five minuces. Den S. Roaring to him ! Sj>a. He's almoil deaf. Don S. Blefs me ! Spa. You muft bellow to him like a fpeaking- trumpet. [Exit Spado. Don S. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 177 \ Don S. (very loud.) Don Juan, you are wel- come. Don. J. (ftarting.) Hey ! Strange that your deaf people always fpeak loud (very loud.) I'm very glad to fee you, Don Scipio. Don S. When people are deaf themfelves, they think every body elfe is fo How long have you been this way. (bawling.) Don. J. Juft arriv'd. (bawling in his car.) Don. S. I mean as to the hearing ? \Very loud. Don J. Aye, I find h's very bad with you. (bawling.) I mall roar myfelf as hoarfe as a raven. Don S. My lungs can't hold out a converfation : I muft fpeak by figns (makes figm) Don J. What now, are you dumb too ? Enter VASQJJEZ. Whifpers Don SCIPIO. Don S. Oh, you may fpeak out, nobody can hear but me. Don J. [/ Vafquez] Pray, is this crazy fool your mafter here going to be married ? DonS. What! (fuprifed.) VaJ. Don Fernando wou'd fpeak with you, Sir. (to Don Seipio.) [Exit VASQIJEZ. Don S. I wifh he'd come here, and fpeak, to this old blockhead his father Don Juan, you are welcome to my houfe but IwUh you had ftaid at home, (in a low tene.) Don J. I am much oblig'd to you. (enraged) Den S. You'll foon fee your fon : as great an afs as yourfelf. (in a low toue.) Don J. An afs ! you lhall find me a tyger, you old whelp ! DonS. Why, zounds, you're not deaf ! Don J. A mad ridiculous I- VOL i. A A Enttr iy8 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. Enter FERNANDO and VICTORIA. Fernando ! hey, boy, what drefs is this ? per. My farher Sir J I Din S. (to Victoria.) What are you doing with that fellow ? Vic. Your pardon, deareft father, when I own that he is now my hufband. Don S. By this ruin, this eternal difgrace upon my houfe am I punifh'd for my unjuft feverity to my poor fon married to that rafcal. Don J. Call my fon, a rafcal ! DonS. Zounds, man! who's thinking of your fon? But this fellow to marry the girl and difgrace my family. Don J. Difgrace ! He has honoured your fa- mily, you crack-brained old fool ! DonS. A footman honour my family, you fu* perannuated deaf old ideot ! Enter Dame ISABEL; Oh, Dame, fine doings ! Pedrillo here has mar- ried my daughter. Den J. But why this difguife what is all this about ? tell me, Fernando. Jfa. What, is this really Don Fernando ? Don S. Do you fay fo, Don Juan ? Don J. To be fure. Don S. Hey ! then, Dame, your daughter is left to the valet -no fault of mine tho'. Jfa. What a vile contrivance ? Per. No, Madam, your's was the contrivance, which love and accident have counteracted in jultice to this injured lady. Jfa. Oh, that villain Spado. Don J. Spado ! why that's he that told me you were deaf. Don Si THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 179 Don S. Why, he made me believe you cou'd not hear a word. ffa. And led me into this unlucky error. {Exit ISABELLA: Don J. Oh, what a lying fcoundrel ! Enter SPADO, (behind.) Spa. I wonder how my work goes on here ! (Roars in Don JUAN'S ear.) I give you joy, Sir. Don J. I'll give you forrow, you rafcal ! (beats him.) Don S. I'll have you hang'd, you villain ! Spa. Hang'd ! dear Sir, 'twould be the death of me. Fed. (without.) Come along, myCaraSpofa tol-de-rol---(E;?/*tt) How do you do, boys and girls- Zounds ! my old mafter ! Don J. Pedrillo ! hey day ! here's finery ! fed. I muft brazen it out : Ah, Don Juan, my worthy dad ! Don J. Why, what in the name of but I'll beat you to a mummy, firrah ! Fed. Don't do that I'm going to be married to an heirefs, fo muftn't be beat to a mummy jLady Hand before me, (gets behind Victoria) . Don J. Let me come at him. Spa. Stay where you are, he don't want you, Spa. Dear Sir. Don S. Patience, Don Juan, your fon has got my daughter, fo our contract's fulnll'd. Don J. Yes, Sir 3 but who's to fatisfy me for your intended affront, hey ! Don S. How (hall I get out of this I'll re- venge all upon you, you little rafcai ! to prifon you go Here, a brace of Alguazils, and a pair of hand- cuffs, A A 2 Sfa. i8o THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. Spa. For me ! the bed friend you have in tha world ! Don S. Fiiend, that (han't fave your neck. Spa. Why I'vefav'd your throat. Don S. How, Sirrah ? Spa. Only two of the banditti here in the caftle this morning. Den S. Oh, dear me ! Spa. But I got 'em out. Don S. How, how ! Spa. I told 'em they fhould come and murder you this evening. Don S. Much oblig'd to you. Oh, lord ! [A craft) and tumultuous noife without, bandit- ti nifa in arm'd^ Don Csefar at their bead y Fernando draws andftands before Victoria.] Band. This way ! Don S. Oh, ruin ! I'm a miferable old man ! Where's now my C^far, if I hadn't banifh'd him J fhould now have a protector in my child. Don C, Then you fhall Hold ! (to Banditti) My father ! (kneels to Don Scipio.) Don S. How ! Casfar ! Don C. Yes, Sir drove to defperation by, my follies were my own but my vices Don S. Were the confequence of my rigour- My child ! let thefe tears wafti away the remem- branpe of the paft. Don C. My father ! I am unworthy of this goodncfs I confefs ev'n now I enteied the caftle with an impious determination to extort by force - Sang. Captain, we didn't come here to talk-, Give the word for plunder, Sand. Aye, plunder ! (very tumultuous.) Don C. Hold ! (fop, Captain, let's have a choice rumaging. (cccks V THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. ,g % Ted. Oh, Lord ! there's the barrel-organ ! Don C. Stop ! hold ! L command you, Don S. Oh, heav'ns then is Ramirez the terri- ble Captain of the cut-throats, the grand tyger of the cave ? but all my fault ! the un-natural pa- rent fhould be punifh'd in a rebellious child ! My life is yours. Don C> And I'll preferve it as my own. Retire and wait your orders. [Exeunt all Banditti but Spado.] Don S. What, then, you are my protector. My dear boy ! Forgive me! I, I, I pardon all. Don C. Then, Sir, I (hall firft beg it for my companions, if reclaim* d by the example of their leader, their future lives (hew them worthy of mer- cy, if not, with mine let them be forfeit to the hand of juflice. Don S. Some, I believe, may go up Ehj little Spado, could you dance upon nothing ? Spa. Yes, Sir 5 but our captain, your fon muft lead up the ball. {Bows.) Don S. Ha, ha, ha ; Well, though ill-beitow'd, I muft try my intereil at Madrid. Children, I afk your pardon ; forgive me Victoria , and take my bleffing in return. Vic. And do you, Sir, acknowledge me for your child ? Don S. I do, I do, and my future kindnefs fhall make* amends for my pad cruelty. Fed. Ha, here comes my fpofa- Eh ! got a Cicefbco already ? Enter AIPHONSO and LORENZA. Don C. My beloved Lorenza ! (n Embrace ) Lor. My deaiefl, THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. My good Captain ! as I knew this Lady only by the name of Vicloria, you little imagined in your friendly promifes to me, you were giving away your Lorenza; but, had I then known we both loved the fame miftrefs, I fhould e're now have relinquifhed my pretenfions. Lor. My good-natured Alphonfo ! Accept my gratitude, my efteem, but my love is, and ever was, in the pofleffion of Don Caefar. Don C, Dear father, this is the individual Lady whofe beauty, grace, and angelic voice, capti- vated my foul at Florence ; if me can abafe her fpotlefs mind to think upon a wretch degraded by his lawlefs irregularities, accompany her par- don with your approbation to our union. Lor. My Csefar ! let every look be forward tQ happinefs. DUET Cafar and Lorenza. My foul, my life, my love how great ! Sweet flower fo long neglefted, Our joys are rapture when we meet, A bleffing unexpected. The envious clouds now chafe away, Behold theradient god of day, Arife with light eternal crown'd, To guild the glorious landfcape round. DcnS. Ifabcl has been too good, and I too bad a parent ! ha, ha, ha ! then fate has decreed you are tube my daughter fome way or other. Eh, Signora. Ted. Yes, but has fate decreed that my fpofa is to be another man's wife ? Spa. And, Sir, (to Scipio.') if fate has decreed that yourfonis not to be hanged, let the indul- gence extend to the humbled of his followers. (Bows.) DonS. THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA' 183 Don S. Ha, ha, ha ! Well, tho' I believe you a great, little rogue, yet it feems you have been the inftrument of bringing about things juftas they fhould be. . Don J. They are not as they fhould be, and I tell you again, Don Scipio, I will have, Don S. Well, and fhall have a bottle of the beft wine in Andalufia, fparklhig Mufcadel, bright as Victoria's eye, and fweet as Lorenza's lip ; hey, now for our brace of Weddings where are the violins, lutes, and cymbals? J fay let us be merry in future, and paft faults, our good-humour 'd friends will forget and forgive. FINALE. GLEE. Social powers at pleafure's call Welcome here to Hymen's hall ; Bacchus, Ceres, blefs the feaft, Momuslend the fprightly jeft, Songs of joy elate the foul, Hebe fill the rofy bowl, Every chafte and dear delight, Crown with joy this happy night. THE END. LE GRENADIER. IN THREE PARTS. INTENDED TO HAVE BEEN PERFORMED AT THE tHEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN, IN 1789. THF MUSICK BY MR. SHIELD. VOL. I. B g DRAMATIS PERSONS. Count Clementin, Mr. BANNISTER. Count de Lorge, Governor of the Baftille, M. Pincemaille, Dubois (a Grenadier, fon to Ambroife), Mr. JOHNSTONE. Acorn (an Englilhman), Martin, (a Soldier), Mr. DUFFY. Ambroife (a veteran Officer), Mr. DARLEY. Auftin (a Prieft), Mr. POWELL. Arnold (an Exempt), Robert (an Invalid), Savetier (a Cobler), Mr. EDWIN. rpi r (Chrildren of the Military! as V School, and fons to Am- 1 j otnuui, a.nu lulls lu nm- r J a 1 ues I broife), 3 Alderfeldt (an Officer in the German fervice), ,..' Pere Anthony (a Brother of St. Lazare), Madame Clementine, MifsPLATT. Henriette, Mrs. MOUNTAIN. Alice, Madelaine, , Mrs. MARTY*. Friars of all orders, German Guards, French Guards, Invalids, Noblefle, Citizens, Children of the De- pot des gardes Fran5oifes, Peafants, Jailors, Exempts, Women, Children, Prifoners, &<. SCENI, Parif. LE GRENADIER. P A R T L SCENE I. A view near Menilmontant in the vicinity of tie Fauxbourg >"'/. Antoine , on one fide Madame Cle- mentine's HoujeA Ccu't and Gate on the other a *Tree with a Seat under it near the front. ENTER Trows and Jaques hand in hand, in their uniform- they look, laugh and jump with great joy , then run and hide behind a tiee, and archlv peep out. Enter Amb oife looks about him for Thomas and Jiques they fuddenly Itart out from behind the tree, and with joy fpring into his arms. Enter Dubois Tender and affectionate to his father and brothers, who bring Ambroife off with great glee. Hennette appears at a window of Madame Clementine's houie, fmiles at Du- bois; he falute*. refpe&tully ; Che enters haHily from the houfe through the gate Dubois with gallantry and complaifance invuesher to ftt down fi B 2 OH 1 88 LE GRENADIER. on the feat under the tree ; he paffionate and tender; flie liftens with affection. AIR. Dubois. Hark to the tinkling of yon brook, Upon it's flow'ry margin look ; Thro' this green mead, tho' free to ftray, While you are here it feems to fay, In plaintive murmurs, Let me flay, Ah cruel Seine why afk me yet, 1 cannot leave fweet Henriette. II. For thee my fair the violets fpnng, To pleafe my love, the fweet birds fing ; Or was't thy thrilling voice dear maid I No, Cupid calls from yonder made, And he muft ever be obey'd. Beneath that tree the loves are met, And there I'll court my Henriette. III. To look around thro' all mankind, Some darling paffion fways the mind. The greedy mifer pants for gold, A nation's for ambition fold, And fame leads on the foldier bold. Fame, gold, ambition, all are met, In one fweet fmile from Henriette. He leads her to the bench-, they lit. Diflant {houts Dubois and Henrie'te liften. Enter Martin. Acquaints Dubois that the peo- ple are aflembltng to repa-r to M. Pincemaile's hoii r r, with ddign to make him give up his mo- nopolized corn. Dubois draws his fword. Hen- ricrte endeavours to difluade him from going; they part tenderly. ^.xtunt Dubois and Martin. The former in nib ardour having forgot his muf- quet LE GRENADIER. 189 quet and grenadier's hat on the bench. Hen- riette diftrefled. Enter Madame Clementine from the houfe, in- troducing the Governor ; prefents him to Hen- riette as a lover. She rejects him with dif- dain. He entreats Madame Clementine to in- terpofe her authority in his favor ; this (he de- clines, unwilling to force her daughter's incli- nations. The Governor looking on the bench, fees Dubois* hat with thena f ional green cockade and the mufquet, fnatches up the hat in great fury, upbraids Henriette with giving the prefe- rence to fo mean a rival, tears out the cockade, throws it on the ground, and treads on it. Madame Clementine with indignation againft the Governor, picks up the cockade, prefents it to her daughter, commands her to wear it next her Jieart, and defires the Governor to fee Henriette po more. He greatly enraged, Hill having Du- bois' hat in his hand, who returns for his muf- quet, fees the hat and claims it. Madame Clementine points to the cockade in Henriette's breaft, alking him if it is his ; he acknow- ledges it Madame Clementine with great joy looks on Du Bois, authorifes Henriette to re- ceive his addreffes. The Governor filled with much anger and contempt feems greatly morti- fied. Shouting without ; the Governor alarm'd ; Dubois fmiles at him with exultation, acquaints Madame Clementine that the people are going to break open PincemaiUe's granaries, and diitri- bu'te to the poor the corn at a reafonable price. ['Exit the Governor haflily and agitated. Madame Clementine \vith fpirit, encourages Du bois to go and aflltt the people, to which Hen- riette with reluctance agrees.* DUET. ?90 LE GRENADIER. DUET. Henriettc and Dubois. /fen. Generous foldier do not go To fight, when there's no foreign foe. D*!>. Do not wrong the glorious caufe, Againft the abufe but not the laws. At firfl the godlike flame began, To give mankind the claims of Man. Hen. My fears fuch boding ills prefage, Bleil Angels flill my foldier guard; A nation's good his thoughts engage, A nation's praife the bright reward. Du6. Sweeteft, beft, of womankind, Sooth my love thy troubl'd mind; When tempeiluous tumults roll, This aflurancecalm thy foul. Thy Guillaume fcorns a rebel's name, Wor treafon ftain his fword with fhame. Hen. Ah me ! Db. My Henriette 1 Hen. Go. Dub. The proud humanity mail know.] With patriotic zeal I burn. Hen. Go, and in civic wreaths return. \JExit Dubois. Shouts encreafe. Madame Clementine looks after him with joy and zeal : Henriette expreffing doubts and fears f^r his fafety, determines to follow. Madame Clementine cheats her. [Exeunt. SCENE LE GRENADIER, j,i SCENE II. A Jlreet before Pincemaille's magazine. People of all defcription, men, women, and children forcibly carrying lacks of flour from it. Acorn confpicuoufly adive. Enter Pincemaille at the fide in rage and forrow, endeavours in vain to prevent them, runs in defpair imploring the feveral characters, as they are carrying off the flour ; they deride him and ftill proceed. Enter Alderfelt with a body of the Royal Allemandc. Pincemaille y gives them all money, beieachin^ him to oppofe the plunder of his granary : they attack the people, recover great part of the flour and replace it in the houfe. Pincemaille with joy fpims them up. Enter Dubois and Martin heading a party of grenadiers with the national cockades. They engage the Royal Allemande with great vigour, oblige them to retire, the people rally, headed by Acorn, aeain faze the corn and bear it oft with acclamations. Enter Henrtettt, joyful to find Dubois fafe, they embrace. Re-enter Acorn, fakes Dubois heartily by the hand and applauds his valour. Enter Madams Clementine and Auftin, Ihe addrefles Dubois with great affeftion and praifeforhis lad adion Lnter leveral old people meagre and wretched, they return tnanks to Dubois. Madame Clementine comments on their mifery to Pincemaille, upbraids him as the caufe, then looking on the granary with d* doors broke open, turns and fmiles oa Fmcemaille with contempt and exultation at this piece of juftice for his trampling on the national cockade, and his oppreffion of 5 the poor , gives Hennette's hand to Dubois. Enter Martini forne io LE GRENADIER. fotne refpeftablc citizens. They give Pincemaille a written paper and a bag of money, gold, filver, and copper, the produce of his flour, which they had fold at the halle at a moderate price to the poor : Pincemaille with rage flings it on the ground. Dubois takes it up and gives it to the poor people. Pincemaille endeavours to take it from them, but is prevented by Acorn, who puts them off. Pincemaille with frantic rage pointing to the granary threatens revenge upon 'em all. This at laft irritates the foldiers ; they rufti on, leize him, and Martin makes a ftroke of his fword as to behead him, but his life is fpared by the interceflion of Henriette and Madame Clementine, who are led off by Dubois. Exeunt* SCENE III. Lff Palais Royal. Sieur C.urtlus's cabinet of wax* 'work conflict/tons . Enter citizens and people of all ranks expreffing filent forrow. Some go to Sieur Curtius's cabinet he enters from it. They demand the wax bufts of the Due D'Orleans and M. Necker, he brings them out, the people cover part of them with black crape, carry them high over their heads, they all take off their hats and huzza. En'er, Martin and his party of French grenadiers. They join with the people in doing honours to the two b u its. [ Exeunt SCENE LE GRENADIER." 193 SCENE IV. A Street. Savetier dij "cover' d in his Jlall, working, ftnging and drinking. Sav. I have juft finiih'd my work (fakes up a bottle. Goes tojillout a^lafs.} Yes I have finilh'd (Turns the bottle up). Some man they fay, roll'd a ftone up a hill, and no fooner up than it roll'd down : fo there was all that lads work to do over again now when I empty the bottle it ftays empty tho* I have no objection to do all that work over again. I'd take a nap if I thought nobody would attack my property.- (Tawnsand falls afleep.) Enter MAD ELAINE witb a Bajket of Flowers. Mad. Achetez ma belle Rofe, mon beaux^ Jafmin D efpagne, ma belle Giroflee blanche me beaux oieletts deux. AIR. Madelaihe. Ma^, Mes beaux oieletts doux -come my pretty pinks buy, How brilliant the feafon, how fweet is the cry, The Lady, the Bilhop, the Count and Marquis ; The Pinks of gay Paris, their pinks buy of" me ; They always pay double, yet fmile on me too, When they hear the fweet cry of my beaux oieletts doux. II. To the gard'ner I offer my money to pay, For the pinks J buy of him ) my dear he fays nay ; Since I faw your lov'd "foot when you ftepp'd o'er yon ftyle ; I'd give my whole garden to you for a fmile. At his word I then took him, with dear Sir, adieu, Yet I paid him his fmile. and then beaux oiletts doux, joi,. i c c A very 194 LE GRENADIER. Ill A very fine Lord ; but a vile naughty man, Would purchafe my pinks but my perfon trepan f He took out his iiiuff-box, and cried with an air, " Ah ma chere mon ange ; you are devilifh fair/* He fain would havekifs'dme.---! cried taifez vous, Yet his Lcuis 1 took, and then beaux oillets doux. Ay, if my drunken hufband was as in- duQrious as I am, we mould live as happy as any couple in the Fauxbuorg St. Antoine. Lord if he is'nt fallen afkep (looking at him?} Why you lazy devil. Here's a dainty hufband for fuch a pretty girl as.me ! I've heard of one Mifs Venus that us'd to fell myrtles, fhe married a Mr. Vulcan, a blackfmith. I'm fure I've made a mere Venus of myleif to many a cobler ; why Saveticr ! Savetier ! here's a bit of fvveet briar for you my dear, the patriotic colour My Hero, and a nettle for you my dai ling- (fats him 'with tbefioiuers.} Sav. (Starting out of his fie e$.} My property. Heels, foals, {hoes, pumps, itiaps, lapftone, ends and pegging-awls ! Mad^ Ha, ha, ha ! Sav. Oh, w'ife is it you. (Yawns, gets out of his ft ail.'} Oh you awoke me from the fweeteft dream. Mad. Ay, but are your children to get bread by your dreaming ? Sav. My dear, I thought : Kifs me Made- laine. Mad. You're not fo fond of kifiing in the houle that you fliou'd get t it in the open ttreets. Sav. Such aorcam ! 1 thought that I was Arch Bifhop of Paris, th.u i was pi caching a fermou at None Dame, and that as 1 was explicatifying =..-Q the text, ilouriihing my arms over my head like LE GRENADIER. 19; like a mad kettle drummer, and beating the un- fortunate cufhion with as little mercy as if t'was my own poor lapftone. Out flys from one of my fleeves a flipper of the Queens, it (kirns round the church ; the piqued toe hits the king in the eye, whizzing down, knock'd the fceptre out of his left hand into his right; rebounding up ac the bread of the Governor of the Baftile flaps off his upper button, andftriking the elbow of an Engiidi baker, with an oak flick in his fifr, it fell on the toupee of Dubois the grenadier, and it inftamly fprouted into green leaves round his forehead ; and my dear Madelaine, as you were offering me one of your fweet rofes, I thought at that moment in ftepped the devil. . (Enter Pere Anthony) He! he ! he! wife, did you ever fee any thing fo apropos. Ant. Save you. Sav. Ay five us from thee. If I had men- tion'd the black gentleman fooner, I mould have been cut off in the middle of my dream he ! he ! he ! talk of the he ! he ! he ! and he ! he ! he! (looks at father Antbony figmficantly.'] Mad. Throw out fuch inunendes upon his reverence. Oh ! upon my reputation my dear you are a reprobate. Ant. Madelaine you have confefled but twelve times fince Eafter. Mad. Oh holy father, my hufband here is the \vorft man. Sav. You jade confefs your own wickednefs and never mind mine. Ant. Come with me child and let his fins fall upon his own head. Sav. If me goes with you I am afraid her fins will fall upon my head. c c 3 Mad 196 LE GRENADIER. , Mad. Why hufband do you know what 3 Friar is ? Done you know he canpunifhyou bring you into the church. Saw. Ay and let him bring my ftall into his church and then I'll be a Prebend. Mad. Do you hear him Father ? he's the moft curfedell do you know AIR Savetier. Gayj friends we'll have a jovial bout, Our wine and care difpatching, And he that's fad, why, turn him out, For grief they fay is catching. Then (hake your heel and fhake your toe, Since freedom there's rare news of, We'll now kick high, and now kick low. And kick our wooden fhoes off. And where they'll drop, may puzzle all, The doftors of the Sorboone, The globe tarns round and let them fall Upon a Turkifh turban. The felfifh patriot may prate Of King and people vapour, ct nothing trouble now your pate But how to cut a caper. Then make your heel, &rc. Exeunt, SCENE V. JLa Place Louts XV. the Garden ar.d Palace cj the Tkuleries with the Pont Tournant in vtew. Enter Guards and people with the b.ufts. A ftate LE GRENADIER; 197. fedan chair, brought on preceded by footmen in green laced liveries, the people furroimd the chair, draw the curtains, finding it open, they break it to pieces, and feize the footmen, one of whom looking at the people's green cockade fnearingly remarks, that with all their patnotifm they wear ' the livery of the Count, they look at his coat and then tear out their cockades, fling them away ; fome rulh into the milliners fhops and return inftantly with red and blue cockades, which they put in their hats. [Exit in tumult. Enter SAVETIER MADELAINE JTZ^/PERE ANTHONY. Sawetier feems feized with ardour difcontented with his drefs Madelaine weeps Pere Anthony comforts, and in condolence takes her off. JLnter a concourfe of people with wheelbarrows, pick* axes, /have Is, &c. &c. Jhouts of " Au champs de Mars:' AIR, Savetier. Come men and boys, widows and maids, For fiddles quitmufket and trigger, Since Sire is now King of Spades, Each noble fhould turn turf digger. The altar we'll raife in the field, The heavens our pasns mall greet, for power got tipfey and reel'd And tumbled at liberty's feet. \Exeunk. SCENE '\3$ LE GRENADIEJI. SCENE VI. Lff Rue Richleau. Enter People carrying the Buft in triumph. Enter SAVETIER, drejjed in Regiment als t a label on. bis backy " Un Cafitaine a Louer." A\RSavetifr. Tho fome me a cobler will call, I was a neat ftitcherof pumps, At laft I left hammer and awl, And now I'm a dealer in thumps. I've taken fuch courage of late, Nor Gentles nor Nobles I dreads ; I've leathered the feet of the great, And now Sir, I'll leather their heads. Hah ! Faralibobette, Faralibobo, Savatt Form Selette, Sabre tire Marteau, Faralibobette. Faralibobo. II. With lapftone I'll bang the Baftile, Then Inftep the Mafter to vamp, His foul cafe I'll tap on the heel, And I'll make him kick out at the lamp. My bufmefs of late fo decay'd, No cafti could I raife for the booze, But I'll foon have a flourifliing trade, Since no more we (hall wear wooden (hoes. Hah ! Fara. &c. * My wax end I'll give to the Pope, To the German I'll give a few knocks, An Irifliman taught me to tope, And an Engliih Jew learn'd me to box. For LE GRENADIER. 199 For liberty now I will fight, When I can't I'll perhaps run away, I'm Crifpin Swifs, Heftor fo tight, Cobler, captain for all that will pay. Hah ! Fara. &c. Enter ALDERFELT, and the Royal Alemande, fome of them throw out gibes at the buds, are reproved by Robert, he's pufh'd down, one of the Germans makes a ftroke with his fword at one of the bufts, it's broken, the people incenfed, attack the Soldiers, with (tones, clubs, &c. Mufquetry is heurd withoutAlarm bell rings and a general cry fc Aux Armes." German Guards are driving off the people.- Enter Dubois and Martin head- ing a party of grenadiers, with national cock- ades, (blue and red,) they engage the Royal Allemande with vigour oblige them to retire. Enter Henriette, Madame Clementine and Auftin. Proceffion of men and women, as to the marriage of Dubois and Henriette. AIR and CHORUS. Gentle Venus for a while Calm the tumult with a fmile, Let no care dilturb the rite, Blefs with joy the wedding night. Women. So brave is the youth ! Men. And fo handfome the maid. Women. 'Tis valour. Mi, a. 'Tis beauty. All. Now call for thy aid. Chorus. Yet if the florin needs muft blow, And dangers fierce impending j Women. He courage has to flrike the foe, Men. She beauty worth defending. Chorus. Yet if the ftonn, &c. [Exeunt. The procejfion led by Auftin> as to the marriage of Henriette and Dubois. END OF THE FIRST PART. \ 200 LE GRENADIER. PART II. SCENE I. The Boulevards, with a View of the Depot des Gardes Franccifis. 1HOMAS, Jaques, and the other children of the fchool armed and in uniforms, drawn up before it. Ambroife (landing before them fhouU dering a large flick. AIR Ambroife. Come, Come to your arms my boys. Your firelocks poize, Shoulder, Bolder, With your quick manoeuvre charm each beholder, Ground I Fort Bien ! recover ! A petit pate ! when exerciie is over, Alons, Charge--- prefect Fire Bon ! Cbiliren Exerci/e.) Enter LE GRENADIER.; 30 i Enter MADAME CLEMENTINE, DUBOIS, HENRIETTA, &V. Dubois takes Jaques a-nd Thomas by the hand and introduces them to Madame Clementine and Hcnriette as his brothers. The Ladies prefent Ambroife and all the Children with National Cockades, they put them in their hats and huzza ! Dubois and the Ladies delire the ChiL* dren to retire into the fchool out of the way of danger, they aflent, break their ranks, play and walk about promifcuouily Dubois and the La- dies take a tender leave of Thomas and Jaques ; alk Ambroife to go with them, he fays he'll itay Tome time longer with the boys. [Exeunt Dubois , Mad. Clementine, Henriette, &t, Ambroife takes papers of cakes out of his pocket, and Hiflributes them among the chil- dren, they e walking before a coffin, borne by four priefts as to bu- rial. *The people give way with reverence ; but Savetier more bufy than the reft, getting clofe, perceives a piece of drapery hanging out of the coffin ; calls the people afide, points and laughs ; they by force take and fet the coffin an end, Sa- vetier opens the lid, and Madelaine walks out of it. DUET. Savetltr and Madtlaine. Sari A Miracle this! The dead come to life ! It isn't Ma And this is Conftitution. Henrietta propofes a family dance the feve^ ral domeftics men and maids are call'd in A BALLET. The Dance over, Enter Alice, (abruptly) an- nouncing a perfon to Madame Clementine, this raifes the company's curiofity. Exit Alice* She re-enters introducing Arnold in his friar's drefs; with actions fuiting his affurned character, he delivers Madame Clementine the Ring i at the firft fight of it fhe's feized with amonifhment ; fucceeded by joy, communicates the reafon of it to the company their fuprize and pleafure. Henriette takes the ring, looks up at the por- trait, prefles the Ring to her lips, and puts it on her finger. Arnold looks at the picture, points alternately at that and the ring with feeming emO^- tions of pleafure. Madame Clementine prepares ^vith Henriette to accompany him, as to meet the Count according to his directions j the reft of LE GRENADIER. zn of the company attempt to go with them op- pos'd by Arnold's advice who takes off Madame Clementine and Henriette by the hand. [Exeunt. SCENE VI. Nigbt t before Madame Clementine's Houfe. A Coach at a litttje djftance, the Governor fhews himfelf at the windows of it, the four Guards and Exempts endeavour to hide them- felves {landing up clofe to the wall-, Madame Clementine's door opens. Enter from it Alice with a light, Arnold, Madame Clementine and Henriette. Arnold as by accident knocks the Candle out of Alice's hand, then with many apologies and feeming complaifance, leads the Ladies to the Coach door. Henriette Heps in- to the Coach, Madame Clementine following Jjer rArnold (uddenly plucks her back. Enter Savetier, oblerves llyly what is going forward, makes ligns that he'll call the people to their refcue. Two of the guards feize him, and thruft him into the Cpach, fjiut the door, and ftep up behind ; the Guards furround it, and it drives rapidly off. -r-Madame Clementine fwoons, Alice ihrieks. hater from the hoiife Dubms, Auttin, Ambroiie and company Al^e in contuiion and tnght tells the circuaUlance - Madame Clementine and al), much diftrefs'd, Dubois enragfd. [S bout tag without Enter Martin^ Grenadier^ Citizens armed, and a concvjurie pt pe pie 45 to the demo jihion of , Dubois hears this with joy, encou- & a xages rt; LE GRENADIER. rages them with fpirit, examines their arm?, finds them infufHcient for the enterprife j expreffes want of cannon. Robert advances, and pro* pofes to go fo the Hotel des Invalids. AIR. Dulois. Dear Paris, native city heft bclov'd, Forgive thy ferns by hard opprefuon mov'd ; r J hough tumults banifh thy internal peace, Our Rights eftabliihed, then fierce clamours ccafe, March on ! we do not draw the fword, To (heath it in our Country's breaft ; But till her freedom is reftord, Oh never fhall this arm have reft. While Nature with a bounteous hand, Has fhower'd her bleflings o'er our land, How fmall alas ! the poor man's ihare ; The Galling Yoke no longer bear. To keep us flaves ths Great combine; And make the lam if we repine. Come on brave youths, let's ilrike the blow, Our wrongs in acclamation, Shall let our haughty Tyrants know, The People are the Nation. [Exeunt led by Dubois. END OF THE SECOND PART. LE GRENADIER. PART III. SCENE I. Infide ff the Ba/litte. , ENTER Savetier groping his way. RECITATIVE. Sav. What the devil ! who's that ? Blefs me I It certainly rauft be- Nobody Very odd ! I Two pair of feet hear A Cat? A Rat? Toad or Lizard What's the matter ? Tho' nought before my eye; 'u My teeth chatter My hair uprifes And together knock ny knees hard. AIR. 0X4 LE GRENADIER. AIR. I've got into a dungeon, but how to get out Becaufe I don't know is a matter of doubt, Should the Governor find me, it runs in my head If my life he mould take, then its odds but I'm dead My two pretty ears he'll cut off fo cleaD, But may be he'd leave my head flicking between For the good of my country myfelf I expofe, And glory to follow I'll follow my nofe. II And if I mould chance to get into the air Of my fine dainty body he'll kindly take care, Left by a great fall I my little toe break, I think that he'll tie me up faft by the neck Before the vile gibbet deprives me of life Like Brutus, or Cato I'll fall on my knife I'll let out my heart's blood here on this cold ftonf, And I'll let out I'll let and I'll let it alone. A fmall door opens, Enter from it the Gover- nor with ada.k lantern leading in Hcnriettc : Sa- vetier retires ; the Governor forceably puts Hen- riettte in at another door, Savetirr getting out of his way falls; the Governor lulens; fcavetier fneaks round the pl.ice crouching, (looping, creep- ing, and many ludicrous pofitions to conceal him- felf, mews like a cat, fqueaks like a rat j the Go- vernor ftill littcning and looking about j Savetier to conceal himfdfg ts behind him, and itill as the Governor .walks about with the li^ht Savetier keeps behind, at length falling on his hands and knees the Governor tuddenly iiarting back ftumbles over him, at firft ahrmed but rifcs, puts tne light to Savetiers face, who kneels befeeciiing mercy j the Governor paules, looks at the door where he had fecreted Henriette and concluding that ihe mull have been ieen by Savetier, determines to deftroy him, LE GRENADIER. 215 him, goes fome paces back and with actions of kindnefs and encouragement defines Savetier to ap- proach ; Savetier walking towards him, a trap- door fuddenly opens under him, and he difappears, the Governor exprefles joy in felf-fecurity. Going towards the room where he had placed Henriette, a noile without, he makes to the door he came in at, blows out his light, and exit, bajlily* SCENE II. Dawn. Before the Hotel des Invalids. Two old Invalids on guard at the Gates. Enter Dubois j Martin y French Guards, Am- broifej Citizens, People. They demand entrance are obftinately refufcd by the two Centinels who pre- fent their bayonets : The Soldiers, &c. attempt to kill them, but are prevented by Dubois. Enter at the fide Robert haftily, he tells his comrades (the Centinels) how ill he had been ufed by the Royal Allemande gives them national cockades, they pm them in their hats, huzza, and admit Dubois, Soldiers, People, &c. into the Ho- tel. A party of Soldiers wait without to cover the entrance: Re-enter thofe who went in, bringing out cannon, mufkets, and all kind of warlike (lores: The ardour of the old drummers, trum- peters and fifers whimfically chara&eriftic. Shouts of " A bas 'la Bo/lilte" AIR. Martin. Too long we've to oppreflion ftoop'd Or lets be free or ceafe to live ; Sweet i6 LE GRANADIER. Sweet lily that fo long hath droop'd In glorious fun-fhine now revive : Behold the lurking fpider watch He fprcads his cruel fangs, The thoughtlefs dy in web to catch The iniec~l dies in pangs. Jbnl. Let's drag the fpider from his den TheBaftille is the web of men, The wretch that built yon manfion drear, Within it languifh'd many a year : When Phalaris the tyrant curft Of Brazen-bull much boafted, The artful maker was the firft Within his fine bull roafted. Dal. Now fell the tree whofc lofty pride Hath hid its beauties in the fftade, Fame to the patriot brow decide The laurel that can never fade : The noble theme with joy repeat Our caufe mall with fuccefs be crown'd To rattling drums our hearts mall beat Our voices to the trumpet round : Cbo. Down with bolts bars and iron door> The guiltlefs prifoner mail be free Our cannon with tremendous roar, Shall join the cry of Liberty. [Exeunt, SCENE III. Before the front Gates tftbe Bajlilk : Tie two Draw- biid^es and Moats : On the one fide a few Houjes cftbe Fauxbourg St. Antoine, on the other the Go- vernor's boufe. Enter down the Street Citizens beaded by Anftin armed they demand entrance j rt-fufed, they fee fire to the Governor's houfe, thisfoon extintruifh'd, the drawbridge is let down 5 Lieutenant Du-R^y comes LE GRENADIER. 217 comes over it bearing a white flag ; Drum within beats a parley j he invites the people in with cour- teous action ; Aiiftin and many others crofs the Fofle j the bridge is inftantly raifed and an ex- plofion of cannon is heard within fucceeded by cries and groans j the People without are enraged, to defperation at the Governors treachery. A cannon is fir'd among them from the Baftille, they run in diforder to the other fide j Robert points out danger in fome brambles that appear on the Boulevard, clofe by where they ftand ; They quit their ftation, and a cannon Ihot is fired from the thicket j The people then retire into the adjacent houfes with precipitation and are feen at the windows, and on the tops, from whence they fire at the Invalids placed on the battlements, ramparts, and at the EmbraiTures of the Baftille. Enter down the Street St. Antoine, Dubois, Martin, Ambroife, Thomas, Jacques, Guards, Citizens, Women, Children, &c. with the cannon of the Hotel des Invalids, a white flag is feen hoi(lcd on a tower of the Baftille, and at the inftant a cannon is fhot from it down the Street St. Antoine. Dubois direfts the Soldiers and peo- ple to play their cannon againft the gates of the Baftille ; they are batter'd down, they then point againft the chains of the draw-bridge which falls and they pafs by it over the firft foIFe. A hand- kerchief is feen to drop from a fmall window of the Baftille, and from a grated aperture a filver plate falls ; Dubois knows the handkerchief to be Henrietre's, and Martin (hews him the name of Count Clementin infcribed on the plate ; they return over the drawbridge with the greateft rapi- dity ; Cannon continues playing, the Women and Children ferve them with ball. [Scene clofes. VOL. i. r F SCENE si* LE GRENADIER. SCENE IV. Infidt of the Baftille. Enter the Governor, Pincemaille, E*empts> turn- keys, &c. much terrified : the Governor in great detraction giving confufed orders to his officers. They run about in terror. The noife without increafes. The Governor goes off with emotions of defpair. [Exeunt all. Enter from a chamber Henristte> frightened. The noife ftill encreafing She feized with difmay and terror falls on her knees and turns her eyes to heaven in fervent prayer. Enter from another chamber in a flow and foltmn pace, Count Clementin. His iron malk on. He approaches Henrietta. She turns fud- denly, and at the fight of him fhrieks and fwoons, he gently raifes her. She revives, he takes off his mafk, lhe (hews the ring, they recognizing each other for father and daughter, are ftruck with furprife and affection. She kneels to him, he tenderly embraces her. The noife without now approaching, he takes her by the hand, and haflily leads her to an adjoining room. Enter in wild tumult of fury Dubois, Martin, Ambroife, foldiers, citizens, people, &c. All hurry from place to place, killing rhe guards, forcing keys from the jailors, opening the cham- bers and dungeons, rcleafing trie pnfoners, and bringing out and difplaying the fcvcral inftru- ments of torture. Enter Madeliine> Pere Anthony y Priefts, women, children, &c. &c. The old Count de i orge brought from h^ cell much emaciated, hib bea, d very long, filled with joy and wonder but can icarcc LE GRENADIER. 2^ fcarce bear the light. Many of the people re- cognize in the prifoners their former friends and relatives. Dubois runs precipitately from cell to cell in fearch of Henriette. Opens a dungeon fhaped like a cone reverfed, from whence Acorn afcends, but unabk to Hand, falls : mutual joy : Acorn pointing to the place of his confinement fhows the fituation his feet were in. The fight of the unhappy pris'ners and various implements of torture roufc the indignation of the multitude high againft the Governor, and many difperfe feveral ways in fearch of him with fhouts of vengeance. Dubois, Ambroife, Martin and their friends continuing their fearch for Henriette, Dubois difcovers Arnold in his friars drels, they drag him forth from his concealment, he falls on his knees, implores for mercy. Dubois d. awing demands waere H< nriette's fecreted. She enters haftily, runs to Dubois, who quitting Arnold, clafps her in his aims. Enter Maaame Clementine ', and from the room adjoining Cunt Clementin with his malk in his hand. viadaT.e Clementine feized with aftonifh- ment and j >y at finding her hufband. Each charad.r lull of rapt.ne a.id congratulation; Savefier's voice is heard at fome diliance under- neath. All furp-ized liften The voice ftrems nearer. I he different c.iarachrs ii en at feveral paits f the ground from whence they think the voice proceeds. It feems to come fiom u; der w; ere Amb oife ftan,1>. He jumps afide. Made- laine laughs, and the voice is heard n -ar hr, fhe leaps afide frighmed. D|ubo\s runs t.' t'le pUce. Liitens. Searches, and pulls up a ftone dilcover- ing the circular entrance oi a fubterraneous p-ff- y F 2 age. 220 LE GRENADIER. age. Savetier cries loud fiom below, they with difficulty help him out. He very much foil'd runs about in frantic joy embracing every body, particularly Madelaine. Shouts of triumph without. Enter citizens > foldiers> &c. dragging on the governor. He pruftrates himfelf in an agony of grief and remorfe, weeps and befeeches their co.npaffion. They tear off his badges of honour, he throws himfelf into the arms of Dubois for protection, who touched with pity weeps, but recovering his fortitude firrqly acquaints him that juftice for his treafon to the people demands his life, and all huiry him off for the place de Greve. \Exeuni. SCENE LAST. Place de Greve View of the Hotel de Villc. Pincemaille y The Governor, Arnold, and other Unpopular Characters led to execution, the for- mer with a halter of ftraw round his neck, and a bunch of thirties hanging down bis breaft, the trophies confift of large locks, keys, bolts, bars, chains, the iron maik, and other infhuments of torture, fu r pen l ed on poles. The Stage char. Grand Proteflion. in which Dnbois *s having firft mounted the Breach, at the D ftruftion ot the Bailille, is carried in Triumph. AIR Jmbroifc.t and CHORUS. Sufpended high aboye his reach, Wrs hung this civic crown, With glory fired he mounts the breach, And plucks the trophy down. Intre- LE GRENADIER. 22 j Intrepid youth, the well earned wreath, Thy grateful country gives, (Drops a. weath of Laurel on Duboii bead,) Who in her caufe defpifing death, In honour ever lives. No intereft in the land had he, Our good was all he fought. And for our rights, for liberty, Alone the Hero fought. Cbo. Sufpended high above his reach, Was hung the civic crown, With glory fired he mounts the breach, And plucks the trophy town. Enter Count Cle-nentin, ^Kadame Clementine* Henriette, Acorn, &c. Dubois defcends, and embraces Henriette, the Count join* their hands. FINALE. Savetier. To fettle all our new difpntes, Let's to the tavern gang man, We'll drink and fing, and burn our boots> But firft we'll hang the hangman. RECITATIVE Ambroife. At Satans fell beheft, uprofe thofe hated walls, Now at an Angels voice the curled fabric falls. Martin. Juftice in awful ilate has claim'd her own, Difplaced the Fury, that ufurp'd her throne, Defpotic power (hall wear a robe no more, The iron hand her fword muft now reilore. LE GRENADIER. Count Clementw RECITATIVE, Accompanied. Nor at the great event, (hall we alone rejoice, Man, born free ! fo mould remain, 'tis natures gene ral voice. Dubeis. Let every heart with rapture glow, For a joyful moments near; Tho* from the eye, that fount of woe, The pallid cheek, drank up the tear : That eye mall beam a living ray. That cheek fhall bloom the rofe of May, CHORUS. Every heart with rapture glow, For a joyful moments near. Ambroife. (To tbofe Releafedfrom the Bajlile.) From the Dark Dungeon's hideous gloom, Of the free foul the loathsome tomb, From folitude and pain and ftrife, Inunerge to all the joys of life. DUET Dubois and Henrietta (To Count Clementine.) Come view the beauties of the year, The fragrance of the flowers inhaje, And while the lark floats on the gale, His liquid notes fhall charm thine ear. Henrlette. To long loft love and friendfhip Aveet, Let meeting hearts with, rapture beat, And LE GRENADIER. And focial interchange of mind, And fmile benign, and convcrfe kind. Dubois. Launch into the world, new born, And hail with fong, this bleffed morn CHORUS. Revifit the glad world, new born, And hail with Cong, this bleed rnora. THE END, TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. IN TWO ACTS. PERFORMED AT THE ' THEATRE-ROYAL, HAY-MARKET, IN 1776. v f OI. I. G G DRAMATIS PERSONS. Jonquil, ................................. Mr. LAMASH. Tony Lumpkin, ..................... Mr. PARSONS. Doctor Minum, ................... ... Mr. R. PALMER. Pulville, .................................. Mr. BLISSET. Tim Tickle, ..................... , ..... Mr. BANNISTER. Frank, ................................... Mr. EGAN. Diggory, ................................. Mr. MASSEY. Shoemaker, ............................. Mr.. KENNY. Taylor, ................................... Mr. PIERCE. Painter, .................................. Mr. DAVIS. Footman, ................................ Mr. PAINTER. Mrs. Jonquil, .......................... Mrs. HITCHCOCK Lavender, ................................. Mifs HALE. SCENE, London. TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. ACT I. SCENE I. A HalL Horn founds. Enter DIGGORY, meeting FRANK. DIGGORY car- rying a dijh of cold beef, and a tankard. Afoot- man following FRANK with a tea-board. FRANK. MR. DIGGORY, your matter's up ; I hear his horn. Dig. Aye, Matter Frank, I've got his break- faft here. Frank. Beef and porter ! his ftomach is deli- cate this morning. Dig. Why, yes, he's always a little puny after a night's hard drinking. Aye, about a pound and half, or fo, will make him eafy 'till near two, and then (bell rings.) c c 2 Frank. 228 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. Frank. Ha ! I think my matter's a little im. patient too for his breakfaft. Foot. Shall I take up the things, Mr. Frank ? Frank. 'Sdeath ! what do you wait here for ? Fly ! I imagined you had left 'em above this half hour. Foot. Why I thought Frank. You thought ! Ah ! this thinking is the ruin of us. Now if you wou'd not think, but do as you aredefired, it would make Foot. I fuppofe a man may have leave. Frank. No converfation, I bcfeech you: (bell rings.) Have you any ears ? Foot. I have, and hands too, and that you mail 6nd fome time or other. Takes more airs upon himfelf than the matter! \_Hatfafide, and exit -with the tea things .] Frank. The impertinence and freedom of thefe fcoundrels is abfolutely intolerable. Dig. Who (hould he make free with, if he can't with his fellow fervants ? Frank. Fellow fervants, Mr. Diggory ! Do you make no difference between a fervant in livery, and a gentleman's gentleman? In the country, I fuppofe, it's " hail fellow well met ;" but here, fir, we are delicate, nice, in our distinctions ; for a valet moves in a fphere, and lives in a flile as fuperior to a footman, as a Pall-mall groom porter to the marker of a tennis-court. Dig. For certain, fir, we valet-de-mams are grand fellows ; but you'll fee more of that when I get on my new regimen I mean my new liver ; piha ! my new clothes, I mean. Did you, breakfaft, fir? Fnnk. Yes, I've had my chocolate. Dig. Do take one flicc of beef. Frank, TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 22$ Frank. What a vulgar breakfaft ! beef ! fhock- ing! Dig. I don't know as to that, Sir, but I have heard beef was Queen Elizabeth's breakfaft; and, if that's the cale, I think it's good enough for 1. Frank. But isn't that for your matter ? Dig. O, I'll leave enough for he, I'll war- rant, (bell rings') Frank. That muft be for me, Mr. Diggory. Serviteur ! [Exit. Dig. How genteel he looks in his mailer's old clothes ! Enter TIM TICKLE. Tic. Ha, Diggory ! the London air agrees with you, I find ; keep working, lad ; flrong beer is our ftream bf life, and in good beef lies the marrow of an Englifh conftitution that's in the genteel way, (born founds} Dig. I muft follow the found of the horn. [Exit ivitb bee^ finging. Re-enter FRANK. Frank. Mr. Tickle, feveral perfons are wait- ing below for Mr. Lumpkin, and they alk to fee you. Tic. Perfons! Frank Yes, fir; there are tailors, {hoemak- ers, milliners, peifumers, dancing-mafters, mu- fic-mafters and boxing matters. Tic. I'll be with them in a pig's whifper ! Frank. What a catiff for a gentleman's tutor ! O ! he's (hocking! [Exit. Tic. tjo TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. Tic. Aye! now how could he do without me ? If he wants a coat cut in the kick, who can (hew him ? I A tafty nab? Why Tim. Handfome pumps ? I know the go. If he'd have a tune from his mufic-mafter, a thruft from his pufhing-mafter, a ftep from his dancing-maf- ter, or a fquare from his boxing-matter, I'm the boy that can fliew him life in the genteel way. Enter DIGGORY. Dig. Matter Tickle, the fquire wants you. Tic. Iftir. Dig. HI tell him fo. [Exit. but I was only Tic. Say no more ! you're an ignorant man, and you don't know the genteel thing. Enter TONY. Tony. Hey, for grandeur, lace and powder! Which of you is my taylor ? Toy I'm the man, Sir. Tony. Have you my clothes, Mr. Taylor ? Tay. Here they are, Sir, and a more fafhion- able iuit never hung upon the fhoulders of an Ambafiador. Tony. Tim, do they fit me ? Tic. Quite the kick. Tay But won't your honour try them on ? Tony. No, it's too much trouble. I make Tim try on all my new clothes for me. Shoe. Your fhoes, Sir. Tony. *4d TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. ' Tony: Black fattin, beautiful ! ah, Tim, if f bad my lilver Artois buckles here! (Dr. Minumfings without, Tony. Hey ! what merry fellow's this ? Get along, boys, leave your goods, and fend your bills to Tim. [Exeunt tradefmen. Here, Diggory, lay my clothes ready. {Exit Diggory with the clothes. Enter FRANK. frank. Doctor Minum, Sir. {Exit Frank. Enter DOCTORMINUM, Jinging. Dofl. (Jings) Tol de rol, loll. Gentlemen, I afk ten thoufand pardons: I thought Mr, Jon-* quil had been here i but if I don't miftake, Mr. Lumpkin, I prefume. (to Tic.} Tic. Y6u're wrong tight boy, that there's the 'Squire ; I'm Tim Tickle his tutor. Do ft. Sir, I'm very glad to fee you well. Tony. That's a lie, if you're a right doctor, and know I've got fifteen hundred a year. {afide. Doft. If your auricular organs be happily hu- maniz'd to the celeftial fcience of harmony, from your affinity to a gentleman of Mr. Jonquil's tafte, you may command my affiftance. Tony. Oh, I'm not long enough in London to ftand in need of a doctor. Tic. No, d'ye fee, lad, we w^nt no doctors nor poticaries yet. I don't know how long we may remain fo. Doft. Your pardon, gentlemem but, I fan- cy Ion)', TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 241 Tic. Did you know Jack Slang, the horfc doftor ? Doff. Entirely unacquainted with 'any of the faculty; but under favour, there's a trifling miftake in this overture to our acquaintance. Give me leave to inform you, gentlemen, I am not one of theprefcribing performers, who con- vey this human inftrument, the body, to its mortal cafe, by pill, bolus, or draught ; but I fhift the foul above the ftars, in founds feraphic, by minura, crochet, and quaver. And pleafe to obferve, that tho' I am a do6lor, I've no more (kill in the materia medico, than an advertifing quack ; I am a profeflbr of mufic, and com- pofer of original pieces, in that elegant and mellifluous fcience ; and, to oblige my friends, a felecl: fett of the firft rank and dictinciion, I in- (Iruct on the violin. Tony. Then ten to one, but you know how to play the fiddle. Dott. Pd venture to accompany you in that bett. Tony. Zounds man, could not you fay at once that you were a fidler, and not come round about us vrith fuch a circumbendibus ? Doft. Fiddler, in the name of Orpheus 1 Eh I what ! fiddler ? allow me, Sir, a da capo to my own introduction ? Tic. A what? Deft. Three bar refts, if you pleafe. Sir ; I am furpriz'd you can be .b much out of tune, gen- tleaien. I am one of the comigicenti i*ve had the honour to be balloted a rremb-r of three le- lect private concerts, compof d of pcrfons of tne firil rank:, aye the Alto Pnmo of tafte had the refufil of the band of Carhfle Houfe led VOL. i. ii for 3 4 z TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. for five feafons at Vauxhall had fome thoughts of purehafing the gardens myfelf I have compofed two orator.os, ten ferenatas, three fees of overtures, concertos for Signor Flo- reritini's violoncello, fongs for the Capricci of Palermo, and folos for Madam Sermout's violin, grand ballets for Signor Georgettini, Signora Caperini, Signora Baccini, Signora ?ic. Damn your Signioras and your Sipniors, your Inis and Winis j can you play, *Water Parted, or Lango-lee ? that's the genteel thing. Tony. Oh, mayhap they're too hard for him. Give me your hand ; I love a fiddler, becaufe one may make him play till he's tir'd, give him a (hilling, then kick him down flairs Do, dine with me to-morrow. Doft. I'll promife you any thing, to get from you to day. (afide.) I mall positively do myfelf that honour, fir, Tony. That's a good fellow ; but bring your fiddle under your coat, will you ? you (hall have as much liquor as you can carry. Doft. You're fuperlacivcly good, fir. Tony. The devil a better You mall hiar Tim Tickle touch up his hurdy-gurdy. Doff. Oh, fir ! Tony. You fhall fee the bear dance too. Doff. That muft be fine indeed ! Tic. Why, it's the genteel thing } 'Squire wili have the dulcimer man. DoR. Ah, Caro Divino ! we fhall have a de- lightful concert---! fhall certainly attend you, gen- tlemen j but a moft particular engagement obli- ges me to deprive myfelf of the felicity of your company at prefent. Tony. TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 343 Tony. Hold, hold, doftor ; you muft give us a rafp before you go j Tim, fetch me the fiddle out of the next room j coufm Jonquil was playing on it juft now. Tic. I ftir. [Exit. Doft. Oh, heavens, (ajide.) Tony. You will give us a fcrape ; ha, boy ? Doft. Oh, fir ! (bowi) how (hall I get out of this fcrape ? (aftde,) Tony, (capering before a glajs) Ay, do you find fiddling; I'll find dancing. Doft. (ftealing towards thedo9r'] Andante, An- dantino, Piano, Pianiflimo, Allegro, Prefto ! (Runs off. Re-enter TICKLE with a Violin. Tie. Here's the coal box, Dolor i what ! he has borrowed himfelf ! Tony. Gone ! -yoics- --hollo, fiddler, hollo 1 (Running cut is met by FRANK) Where's this fid- dler ? Frank. Fiddler, fir ! oh, Doctor Minum, I fuppole, you mean; lord, fir, he flics as if twenty Dutch concerts were in he wind. Tony. The next time I catch the rafcal, I'll make him play for me, and kick him all the whi e Frank. But, fir, my mailer's compliments, and wilhes vou'd pleafe to get drc-fle.i ; it's now clofe upon three. (Looks at bis watch and exit.} Tic. The fellow has got a tattler, ftnke him plump, (afide ) Tony. ZoundU ! I v ifh I cou'd pet a watch, that the figures of ir were pot in letters; I never can know whas a clock it is, by the X's and the V's and 344- TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. and the 1's I wifh I could get a watch with the figures in figures upon it. T/V- 'Squire, that's becaufe you know how to cypher. 'Tony. I fuppofe fo Hollo, Diggory, my new clothes j and then for grandeur, lace and powder--- Hollo, hollo. [Exeunt a END OF THE FIRST ACT, TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 245 ACT II. SCENE I. A Dreffing Room* Mrs. JONQUIL At her Toilet, and LAVENDER, attending. MRS. JONQUIL. Jria ! ha ! ha ! Indeed, Lavender, I think fo too but where is the favage now ? Lav. Ma'am, I fancy by this time he's alrnoft transformed into a very fine gentleman. He's gone to drefs. Mrs. Jon. Drefs ! Ah ! his native ruflicity is invincible to the powerful combination of art and elegance. His tutor a bear dancer, you tell me ; ha ! ha ! with fuch a pupil a bear-leader we muft grant him. Lav. Ma'am, he has brought thfs Mr: Tickle purpoi" ly to London with him, to (hew him taftc and high life in the genteel way as he fays. Mn. 246 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. Mrs. Jon. Yes, tafte and gentility at a Sunday tea-garden, and high life at the top of St. Pauls, ' Enter TICKLE and PAINTER. Tic. Come, matter Painter, come along; this way, 1 believe, we can take a fhort cut to the 'Squire's room. Mrs. Jon Who are thefe ? what's the matter ? Tic. Only going to quarter the ground. Lav, Fye, Mr. Tickle ! what bufinefs have you here ? and why would you bring fellows into my lady's apartment ? Tic. Fellows ! why, ma'am, this is Jack Rad- dle, the fign-paintrr. Why it was this here Jack that painted the Three J ;lly Pigeons at Quagmire marfh, down in our parrs. Paint. Yes, and the Saracen's Head 1 im. Lav. Come, come, gee you along out of this, with your jolly pigeons. Tic Get out ! Strike me plump ! h that your manners, ma'am ? Lav. Go, man ? pray take your Saracen's head out of this room. Tic. Hark'ee, if you deny that you paint a head every morning, your tongue gives the lie to your cheeks. Paint. Tim, that was a dafli with the pound brufh ! Tic. Ay, ay; I'm the boy for it. Come along; Ha ! ha ! ha ! Paint. Ha ! ha ! ha ! [Exeunt Tickle and Painter. Lav. An impudent frllow ! I paint indeed . A prttty difcernirg tutor fcr a young gentleman ! Mrs. Jon. Lavender, hand me the eau-de- luce. I die ! oh heav'ns, threw up that fafh ! I (hall ex- pire ! Lav. And no wonder, ma'am : I'm fure the Cham- TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 247* chamber fmells of oil worfe than a floor-cloth ware- houfe. Enter DIGGORY, fearcbei round tie room. Mrs. Jon. Heavens ! what's this now ? what do you want, ? Lav. Why is the deuce in the fellow ? For fhame Diggory ! why do you come into my Lady's apart- ment this way ? Dig. This way ! why would you have me come in at the window ? Mrs. Jon. For mercy's fake, do, good man, withdraw. Lav. What do you want? Dig . I want my mailer's boots- Lav. What the mifchief could bring his boots into my lady's drefling-room ? Dig. His legs, I believe ; for I think 'twas here he took them off. Mrs. J. Do, pray retire, I befecch you, fir. Dig. I beg pardon, ma'am, I fee the boots are not here ; fo I'll go look in the ftable. (A tapping at the door. ) Mrs. Jon. What monfter have we now ? Jon. (without.'} Avec permifiion ! Lav. My matter ! madam. Mrs. Jon. Entrez, monfieur. Enter JONQUIL. Jen. This way, for wonder fake, quick, quick. Ha ! ha ! ha ! fuch a fight, tranlcending all So- ho! Ms. Jon. I think it muft be fometh^ng fuper- natural that can excite my wonder now. Bu: alions for this miracle . [Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. JONQUIL. Lav. (looks in tbt glafs} A Saracen's head ? Yes, it mud be my lady he meant, [Exit. SCENE TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWJfo SCENE II. A Gallery hung with Piftures. Enter Mr. and Mrs. JONQUIL. Jon. Now, fettle your features. Mrs. Jon. O, I fet rifibility at defiance. Mr. Jon. Mr. Lumpkin, are you apparelTd, quite completely a-la-mode ? Enter TONT, drefsed. Tony. O yes, I think I'm the very colliflower of the mode. Tell me in downright earned, how do you like me, (turns round} Eh ! Coufin Milly ? I believe, now I'm fomething like a tansy $ how do you like my hair, tho'? Mrs. Jon. Charming! Jon. The ftyle molt happily fancied. Tony. So it is, coufm Milly ; you've a fine head of hair, if it's all your own -it's very like fome of the heads I faw in the barbers windows. Mrs. Jon. Now, that's fo civil. Tony. That's what every body fays of me, that I'm fo civil j but do you know that my mama ufcd to drefs up my hair herfelf every Sunday, whether I would or no ? fhe'd rub in up with foap, and put a paper in the top, juft like the fign of the unicorn. Enter LAVENDER whifpers Mrs. JONQUIL. Mrs. Jon. Prefently ; Mr. Lumpkin, allow one the liberty to withdraw myfcif for a moment or two. Tony* TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 249 Tony. Ma'am, I'll excufe your going away with a great deal of pleafure. How polite fine clothes make a body ! (afide) [Exeunt Mrs. 'Jonquil and Lavender. Enter TICKLE. Tic. 'Squire, the Painter's ready, (to Tony) Tony. Mum. (apart to Tickle) Jon. Pardon my curiofity, Mr. excufe me. Sir you fpoke of a painter ; are you ac- quainted I mean have you a penchant ? Tic. A what ? Jon. That is, do you admire the art ? Tony. Oh, yes, Sir ; my tutor's very knowing in the picture way. Tim, (hall I tell coufin you carried a {hew- box ' (apart to Tickle) Tic. You need not mind it now. (apart to To- #) Jon. There are fome tolerable paintings here, Sir. (hooking round) Tic. Yes ; they are quite genteel. Tony. I warrant, now, they flood you in a matter of fifteen or twenty pounds. Jon. Above ten thoufand. Tony. Pounds ? Jon. Pofitively. Tony. What a ftud and a kennel of hounds that would buy a man ! Tic. What a collection of wild beafiiffe? ! Jon. Befides the money I have expended in my Flemifli and Italian acquiiitions, during my tour, I have, at .this moment, a pecuniary un- derftanding with mod of the eminent picture- dealers and auctioneers in town ; and, confe- VOL, i. K K quenly, *50 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. quently, the refufal of antiques, coins, china^ lap-dogs and original pictures. Tic. How do you order it ? Jon. Briefly thus: if an extraordinary engage* ment prevents me from a private peep, previous to the fale, fuppofe me in the auclion-room : a full fale, good pictures, my favourite piece up t friend Mallet, in the heat of his oration, cafts me an eye fignificant ; I, unperreived by the company, return an affirmative fignal ; and one, two down, the picture's mine for one third of the value. Tic. What then becomes of his poundage ? Jon. That, Sir, I make good by an ample dou- ceur. Tony. Well, let them fay what they will of flock paper, pretty pictures for my money ; cou- iin, you muit choofe me fome nice ones, when my mama takes a new houfe for me. Tic. Ay, I dare fay, 'Squire Jonquil knows all the painters in town, in the genteel way. Jon. In town? no no Mr. Sir if a mo- dern ever intrudes upon a pannel of mine, tafte muft give the preference to Flemifh and Italian j if the contrary fhould tranfpirc, Sir, I'd be ex- cluded the ton, as void of all virtu. Tony. Virtue! It does not fliew much virtue to encourage foreigners, and let your own coun- trymen want bread j damn me, if I do that ; and damn them that do. Tic, Wtll faid, tight boy; there's a fine fel- low, and I'm his tutor. Jon. I own, Sir, I'm of your opinion ; but powerful fathion ! Tony, TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 251 ;. Tim, there's a clever fellow, running after a pretty girl among the buflies! Jon. Apollo, purfuing Daphne, by Corregio ; obferve the modeft grace in the flight of Daph- ne ; and that figure of Apollo, what fine pro- portion in the outline! what an attitude ! Tic. Now, that there I call a tall woman. Jon. A Vandyke ! Tony. Mrs. Vandyke ? Jon. No, no ; it is the portrait of Beatrix Conftantia Contacroyana, painted by that rnaf- ter. The Judgment of Paris, the fleeping Ve- nus, and that delightful picture of the Cardinal Virtues, Faith, Hope and Charity, are by Car- raci ; a moft enchanting piece ! obferve how finely the Hope is relieved. Tony. Relieved by Charity; poor foul! Tic. That's a pretty woman that's looking up at the fky. Jon. A Cleopatra, by Guido. Tony. See the little eel in her hand ! that's a dark looking man in the black bonnet. Jon. A Rembrandt, by himfelf. Tony. Yes ; he's all alone, there's a woman ri- ding on a white cow. Jon. Kuropa, an undoubted Raphael. Tony. No! Jon. As true as the cartoons. Tic. Riding on a bull ! ftrike her plump ; 'Squire the woman and the goofe ! Jon. Jupiter and Leda ; upon my honour I never faw a more capital picture ! but, dear Sir, the geofe happens to be a fwan. Tony. Mayhap 'twas only a goofe before you got it. Tim, who is that like in the black wig. K K 2 Jen. *5* TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. Jon. That is the portrait of Charles the Se- cond. 'Tony. He's mighty like Matt Muggins the ex- cifeman. Jon. It's a Sir Godfrey Kneller ; but I fancy king Charles never fat for it. Tic. And fo they've drawn him ftanding. Who is the lad with the long hair? Jon. Lad, Sir ? that's a Magdalen, by Guido. Tony. She's a plump Mag. Who is that thin ill-looking fellow ? Jon. It's a pi&ure of Caffius, that ftabb'd Ce- far It's a Rubens, very bold. Tic. Yes, he was a bold fellow. Jon. Good keeping ! Tic. Faft enough ; I remember they kept him in Newgate. Jon. Charmingly brought out ! Tic. He was brought out in a white cap, tied with black ribbon. Jon. What a glow of colouring ! TzY. I never faw a 'man look better upon the occafion. Jon. Greatly defigned ! forcibly executed ! Tic. Only the peace-officers at his execution^ no calling in the military j we have had enough of that already. Jon. What harmony of light and fliade ! What noble mafTes ! Tic. Mafles ! He a Papifli ! I'll bett half an dunce, that Tom Caffius, that ftabb'd 'Squire Cxfar, died a Prefbyterian. Tony. How knowing my tutor is ! (During the above Speeches of Tickle , Jonquil ft ands enr aptur'd with the pifture, not attending him-) Coufin, TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN, 2^3 Coufin, Couiin Jonquil, hollo ! (Slaps him on the Jhoulder.) Jon. Sir! Tony. I intend to have my picture taken off fome evening or other. Enter FRANK. Frank. Sir, Lord Spindle has fent to let you know, he waits for you at the Thatched- houfe. Jon. The chariot at the door ? Frank. Yes, Sir. [Exit. Jon, Adieu, \Hstlt. Tic. Abfolutely, 'Squire, this coufm of your's is a tip-top macaroni. Tony. Yes, he's a famous mac. f Tiny. But tho' he feems to love his pictures, as I do my horfes, he does not take half (o great care of 'em. Think of old bonnets and black and brown heads ! Coil him ten thoufand pounds too. Why my little Rftbin, my Whipper-in, looks more decent than the beft of them. Tic. Aye ! but when my friend Jack Raddle the painter comes brufh upon 'em, they'll be quite another thing. Tony. But what keeps him? Tie. Here he is. Enter PAINTER, with a pot of paint and large brujh. Are you there, Jack? Come, fall to. Tony. Hold, you it member the bargain : Tickle, be witnefs. You're to paint frie large powder'd pretty wigs upon every fc ^d in this 254 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. room, at the rate of half-a-cro\vn a nob all round. Tic. That's the bargain. Paint. And I fcorn to go back, tho' it's a tight price, your honour. Tony. How charmingly they'll look \ Tic. Yes, they'll be quite genteel. Hark'ee, Jack, d'ye fee, I recommend you to this here 'fquire; fo do the job neatly. None of your lit- tle ftarv'd caxons, with one buckle, and that no larger than a pipe-ftopper; but let me fee the browned face againft this wall, wigg'd like an alderman. Paint. Say no more. Tony. But quick, quick, buftle ; you muft have 'em done before coufin comes back. Enter DIGGORY. Dig. Sir, the gentleman's come. Tony. What gentleman ? Tic. How fliould he know ? I'll go fee myfelf. [Exit* Tony. Come, come, fall to. Paint. Don't fear, fir ; they mall foon be quite another thing. Tony. Come along, we'll be with you foon again. Come ; Lord ! how delighted coufin Jonquil will be ! [Exeunt Tonyand Diggory. (The Painter, tobiftKng, takes one of the fiftures and as befits to it t the fcene clofes. SCENE TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN, 255 SCENE III. The Antichamber, PULVILLE, meeting TONY, TICKLE, and DIGGOKY. Dig. Here's my mafter. Pulij, Sir. your humble fervant. Dig. Sir, this the Tic. Diggory, I tell you once for all, if you come the gentleman umer, while I am by, you'll absolutely knock your head again my hftes. Dig. Why lure i Tony. Go, go, you fool, and fee that the paint- er flaps away brifkly. [Exit Diggory. Well, Sir, are you a barber ? Puh. A barber ! no, Sir ; my name is Pul- yille. Tcny. But what are you ? Pu/v. I am a perfumer, Sir. Tony. Now. tang me, i'f I know what trade that is. {ajide} Tickle, do you talk to iiim. Tic. A perfumer ? I'm at home, the ' he's too fine for that: I fuppofe he moulted in MJD~ mouth. (ajide\ ftruts up to Puhille) Mafter, how tfo ye take 'em. Puh, Sir ? Tic. Do you (hoot J em. Tony. Aye, do you moot 'em ? What, Tickle? (apart to Tickle} Puh. I (hoot, Sir ! Tic. Aye, how do you order it ? Puh. If you mean my bufinefs, Sir ; by cal- cination, 56 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. cination, infufion, mixtures, compositions, phiU ters, and diftiliation. Tic. What, then maphap you don't ufe the ferret ? Pulv. No, Sir, the only eflential animal is the civet cat. Tic. The cat will catch them, I allow j but then they mangle them fo curfedly. Pulv. Mangle who, good Sir ? Tic. Ever while you live, take rabbits with a ferret, that's the genteel thing. Mayhap, lad, you're in the hedge-hog way. Have a care, tho v , for fince f'ome bufy fellow put it into the news- paper, that they were as good as a partridge my bear to a lap-dog, if hedge-hogs don't foon be included in the game-acl. You're the firft rabbit catcher I ever knew that Pulv. I a rabbit catcher ! I don't underftand you, gentlemen. I'd have you to know, 1 keep one of the firft perfumer's {hops in St. James's patifli ; I can't imagine what you mean, by talk- ing to me about rabbit-catchers and hedge-hogs. "I'ony. I belive my tutor knows every thing. Puh. Sir, I thought every body knew Mr. Pulville. However, Sir, I have the honour to be very well known to the nobility, as my book- debts of ten years {landing can fufficiently tef- tify. Rabbit catcher ! Sir! I'm original inven- tor of the genuine Circaffian beautifying cofrne- tic lotion, cream of rofes, and powder of pearl. Step into my {hop a crocus, and you walk out a narciflus -, my fweet lip-falve can change a blubber to a pouting a walnut to a cherry-lip. Then, Sir, my perfumed powders conquer na- ture ; I can give a lady a pink head, a green head, or a blue head. Do you know, Sir, that I make TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 257 1 make the chymical Paphian wafli, for eradicat- ing hair; fo innocent it may be ufed by infants juft born, and yet fo powerful, that three ablu- tions give an Efau the hand of a Jacob ? And now, Sir, with me, and me alone, the elderly maiden ladies deal, for their fweet-fcented (hav- ing powder. Tony. I faid he was a barber. Put. Rabbit-catcher ! Why, Sir, my bear's greafe Tic. Do you dance a bear, tight boy ? Pul. Sir, do I look like fuch a fcoundrel ? Tic. Scoundrel ! Strike you plump, am I a fcoundrel ? Pul. You, Sir ! I Tic. Aye, poke you well I dance the fpright- lieft bear in all England, that's in the genteel way. Put. Hem ! Sir ! when you want any thing in my way, you'll fee my name, P. Pulville, over the door. Rabbit catcher ! [Exit Pulville* Tic. A bear dancer, a fcoundrel! you rafcal, I'll he's gone he was right ; my name is Tim Tickle 5 and now you've told me your place o abode, call upon me when you will. ( calling of) Tony. Tim knows all the points of honour. Enter DIG GORY. Dig. Oh, Sir, the pictures are done ; and 'Squire Jonquil is walking out of his carriage. Tic. I told you, 'Squire, Jack Raddle cou'd touch them up in the genteel way, becaufe he's the boy for it j come, well take a fquint at his handy work. VOL, i. L L Tony. *5* TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWtf. Tony. Come, I'm as glad as a guinea ; how* my coufin Jonquil will be delighted ! [Exeunt. SCENE IV. t)tf covers the Pifture Gallery, mojl of tie port raits 'with large white wigs -, the Painter fits daubing a wig ttpon a piclure, which he has on a chair, DIG GORY officioujly attending. Dig. Do, let me give him another curl. Paint. I can't ftand it, man ; be ftill, I fay ; let him be. Enter JONOJJIL. Jon. What do I fee ! confufion ! what is all this ? (Stands amazed] Dig. I knew he'd be delighted. Jon. Stop your facrilegious hands, you pro- phane villain. Paint. Blefs your heart, m after, I don't grudge you a curl or two more, (whi/lles and faints) Jon. My Rembrandt! from the Florentine gallery I You affaflin, why did you murder me ? (Seizes the painter) Paint. Sir ! Jon. Anfwer me, you mifcreant ; who brought you here ? what mortal enemy to the arts, what Gothic* fiend, whifper'd you to perpetrate fuch infemal action ? Paint. If this moment was my laft, Sir, it was wliit^ le^d of" eightpence a pound. Jon. White lead, you caitiff ! Paint. TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 259 Paint. How cou'd a poor fellow, like nae, afford flake- white 'for the price ? Jon.' What price? you barbarian; explain, firrah : confefs, or I'll have you flay'd li&j Mar- fyas. Paint. Sir, 'Squire Lumpkin, the little, round, fine gentleman, employ'd me to paint white wigs, upon all the pictures, at half-a-crown a head. Dig. Indeed Sir, I'm fure my matter would not grudge twice the money, to make them look decent, as they belong to your honour. Jon. I'm ifndone ! Enter TONY and TICKLE. Tony: Eh, Tim ! (looks exultingly at the piclures) I believe they are the thing. Tic. Bang me, but they are quite genteel ! Jon. Mr. Lumpkin, I thank you, Sir. Tony. You're mightily welcome. Jon. I am infinitely oblig'd to you, Sir. 'Tony. I guefs'd you wou'd. Jon. I am eternally your debtor. Tony. I'll never charge you a penny for it. I believe now they look like gentlemen. How pleas'd I am that I thought of it ! Dig. I thought of it firft, Tony. You lie. Tic. You do, Diggory ! 'twas I advis'd the 'Squire to it, becaufe I knew the genteel thing. Jon. Oh, pray, no contention for the brilliancy of the thought ; for I'd give three or five thou- iand pounds to undo what you have done. Tony. What! Jon. You have ruia'd me. Ton}'. A nan ! L L on. 2$o TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. Jon. You've undone me, Sir ! Tony. Who, I ! as how ? Jon. You've fpoil'd my pictures. Tony. Tim ! Tic. I faid, at firft, it was a damn'd ftupid thing of you. Dig. And yon know, 'Squire, I told you, that none but an afs could think of fuch nonfenfe. Tony. Can you unwig 'em again ? Paint. What will I get by that ? Jon. I'll give you fifty guineas. Paint. Lay it here. Jon. There's the money ; (takes out bis pocket- book and gives a note] charm my longing eyes, once more, with the fighc of my Rembrandt's dear, dear, black bonnet. Paint Then, Sir, they're only done in water colour ; fo a wet towel and a little foap fettles their wigs in five minutes. Jon. Give me your hand ; I was dreadfully alarmed; but now I can laugh at it. Ha! ha ! ha ! what a whimfical thought ! but, you itupid rogue, why would you put wigs upon the ladies ? Paint. Sure it's the fafliion now for all ladies to wear wigs. Hew charming they look ! Poor feiloHS, ye muft foon lofe your grandeur! Enter FRANK. Frank. Sir, the company are come. Jon. Very well, [Frank looks at tbe piftures, laughs and exit. Dig. Pleafe your honour, may I laugh at them a little ? Tony. Tutor, kick Diggory out of the room, if you pleate. Tic t TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN, 2 6| Tic. To oblige you, 'Squire. Dig. I'll fave you the trouble. [Exit. Jon. All is now very well ; but I have one re- queft to make you. Tony. What is ir, pray ? Jon. Only to difmifs one of your retinue, Tic. That's Diggory. (afide) Tony. Who? Jon. The bear ? Tony. What ! the bear ? Jon. That's the gentleman. Tony. Why, Tim, d'ye hear my coufin ? Will you ? Tic. Look'ee, 'Squire ; this here harmlefs foul, this bear cf mine, has maintained me iome years, when I could not cio for myfielf ; and though, thanks to my good breeding, I'm grown polite enough to be a gentleman's tutor, yet I'll never be fo much in the famion as to forfake an old benefactor. {Exit Tic. Tony. I wifh I could get any regular family to board the bear : enquire among your acquain- tance Sir. Jon. Sir, I'll do myfelf that honour. Tony. Bruin's a lad of few words, but he's as civil a fellow as ever flood upon two legs. But, coufin Jonquil, 1 won't offer you the fifty- guineas you gave the painter. lony. Say no more ; you meant well, and that palliates the confcquence. But, for Rubens' fake forego your pretenfions in future to a tafte in pictures. lony. Well, I know the points of a horfe, and that's made by a better workman. Jen. Therefore, to tne knowledge of horfes rjcl dogs, like a true 'Squire, from this moment confine 2 6z TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. confine your claim ; for if a man will, in oppo- fition to nature, meddle with matters of which he is fo extremely ignorant, he muft inevitably render himfelf the object of ridicule and laughter. Tony. Laughter! and what's pleafanter than a laugh ? By jingo, a laugh is all I wanted, If I've rais'd fome fweet fmiles on thofe lovely fair faces, I am glad I put wigs on their fifters, the Graces : I would not offend you for more than I'll mention ; Jo pleafe all my friends, was my only in- tention. THE END. THE POOR SOLDIER, IN TWO ACTS. PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN, IN 1782. THB MUSICK Bv MR. SHIELD. Captain Fitzroy, Mr. BANNISTER. Father Luke, Mr. WILSON. Patrick, Mrs. KENNEDY. Dermott, Mr. JOHNSTON. Darby, Mr. EDWIN. Bagatelle, Mr. WEWITZER. Boy, Mailer SIMMONDS, Norah, Mrs. BANNISTER: Kathlane, Mrs. MARTYR. SCENE, Carton, near the Seat of the Duke ofLeinfter in Ireland. THE POOR SOLDIER A C T I. SCENE I. The Country Sun rife a large Mavfion atfome dtf- tance near the front, on one fide t a fmall Houfe ; on the other a Cottage. DARBY, (without.} NoW what harm, Dermot ? Der. (without.) Why 'tis harm j fo flay where you are. Enter DERMOT and DARBY, Dar. Upon my faith I won't fay a word. Der. Go away I tell you. Dar. Lord, I never faw fuch a man as you: fure I'll only ftand by. Der. But I tell you it's not proper for any one to be by when one's along with one's fweet- beart. VOL, i. MM Dar* 2 66 THE POOR SOLDIER. ~Dar. Well, I always like to be by when I'm along with my fweetheart She's afleep I'll call her up, halloo ! Kathlane ! Der. Will you be quiet, Darby. Can't you go make a noife there, under Father Luke's window ? Dar. Ecod if I do, he'll put me in the Bifhop's Court. Der. If I wasn't fo fond of Kathlane, I fhou'd think Norah, his Neice there, a very handfome girl. Dar. Why fo fhe is, but fince her own fweet- heart, Patrick, run away from her and lifted for a Soldier, fhe dont care a pin for the prettieft cf us ; by the lord fhe even flouts me. Der. Well, well, you'll fee how it will be j fomebody I know Dar. Ay, you mean the foreign ferving man, to the ftrange Officer that's above at the Duke's. Eh, why faith Dermot, it would indeed be a fhame, to let a black muzzled Mounfeer carry off a pretty girl, from a parcel of tight Irifh boys like us. Der. So, 'twou'd Darby ; but my fweet Kathlane is faft afleep, and never dreams that her poor Dermot is here under her window. Dar. Ay, never dreams poor Darby's under her window but Til have her up Kathlane Kath Der. Hum! AIR Denmt. , Sleep on, fleep on, my Kathlane dear, May peace poffefs thy breaft, Yet doft thou dream thy true love's here, Depriv'd of peace and reft. THE POOR SOLDIER. 267 The birds fing fweet, the morning breaks, Thefe joys are none to me, Tho' fleep is fled, poor Dermot wakes, To none but love and thee. [Exit Dar. What a dull dog that is ! Ah, poor Dermot ! ha, ha, why fuch a fong cou'dn't wake an Owl out of his fleep, let alone a pretty girl that's dreaming of me. Kathlane ! upon my conference I'll, yes, I'll roufe her. AIR D'arfyl Dear Kathlane you no doubt, Find fleep how very fweet 'tis, Dogs bark, and cocks have crow'd out You never dream how late 'tis, This morning gay, I poft away, To have with you a bit of play, On two legs rid, Along to bid, Good morrow to your night cap. II. Laft night a little bowfy, With Whiikey, Ale, and Cyder, I aflc'd young Betty Blowfy, To let me fit befide her, Her anger rofe, And four as floes, The little gypfey cock'd her nofe, Yet here I've rid, t Along to bid, Good morrow to your night cap. III. Beneath the Honey-fuckle, The Daify, and the Vi'let, Compofe fo fweet a truckle, They'll tempt you fure to fpoil it, M M 2 Sweet 2 6S THE POOR SOLDIER ; Young Sail and Bell, I've pleafcd fo well, But hold, I musn't kifs and tell, So here I've rid, Along to bid, Good morrow to your night cap. (Kathlane opens the Cottage window* Dar. Ay there Ihe is, oh I'm the boy for it. Kath. Is that Dermot ? Dar. {hiding tinder the penthoufe) O dear, fixe takes me for Dermot, he, he, he ! Kath. Who's there ? Dar. Sure it's only I. Kath. What Dermot ? Dar. Yes I am Darby, (afjde) Kath. I'm coming down. (Retires.} Dar. I thought I'd bring her down: I'm a fure markfman. Enter KATH LANE from the Cottage. Kath. Where are you, my dear Dermot ? Dar. (Comes forward.) " Good morrow to your nightcap." (fings.) Kath. (Starting.) Darby! Now hang you for an impudent fellow. Dar. Then hang me about your neck, my fweet Kathlane. Kath. It's a fine thing that people can't take their reft of a morning, but you mufl come roaring under their windows. Dar. Now what need you be fo crofs with a tody when you know I love you. Kath. Love ! ha, I like you for that. Dar. I'm oblig'd to you. Kath. You love, ha, ha > ha! Dar. THE POOR SOLDIER. 269 Dar. I do, upon my confcience. Katb. Well, let me alone, Darby : once for all I will not have you. Dar. No ! Katb. No, as I hope for man, I won't. Dar. Ha, ha, ha ! hope for man, and yet won't have me. Katb. Yes, but I'll tell you what fort of a man -, then look into the river, and fee if you're he. Dar. And if not I'll pop in head foremoft. Katb. Do Darby 5 and then you may whittle for me. Since love is the plan I'll love if I can, But firfl let me tell you what fort of a man. In addrefs how complete And in drefs fpruce and neat, No matter how tall, fo he's over five feet : Nor dull, nor too witty His eyes I'll think pretty If fparkling with pleafure whenever we meet. II. t Tho* gentle he be, His man he mould fee Yet never be conquer'd by any but me. In a fong bear a bob In a glafs a hob nob Yet drink of his reafon his noddle ne'er rob, This is my fancy If fuch a man can fee, I r m his, if he's mine, until then I am free. Dar. So then you won't have me. Katb. No, that I won't. Dar. Now you might if you pleas'd. Katb. & 7 o THE POOk SOLDIER. Katb. I might if you pleas'd. Dar. Well fure I do pleafe. Katb. Ay, but you don't pleafe me. Dar. Why I'm a better match for you than Dermot. Kath. No. Dar. No ? Havn't I every thing comfortable about me? cows, fheep, geefe and turkies for you to look after in the week days, and a pretty pad for you to ride to chapel on a Sunday : a little cabin for you to live in, and a neat bit of a potatoe garden for yen to walk in 3 and for a hu/band I'm as pretty a lad as you'd meet with of a long fummer's day. Katb. Get along : don't talk to me of your geefe and your turkies, man, with your conceit and your nonfenfe. Dar. My nonfenfe ! Oh very well : you fay that to me, do you ? Katb. To be fure I do. Dar. Then marry hang me if I don't. Katb. What what'ill you do? Dar. Do, why I'll tell the Prieft of you. Katb. Ah do do your worft, you ninney hammer ! Dar. I'm a ninney hammer, oh very well I tell you what Kathlane I'll fay no more. DUET. Kath. Out of my fight or I'll box your ears. Dar. I'll fit you foon for your jibes and jeers. Katb. I'll let my cap at a fmart young man, Dar. Another I'll wed this day if I can. Kath. In courtmip funny. Dar. Once fweet as honey, Kath. You drone. Dar. No Kate, I'm your humble Bee. THE POOR SOLDIER. 27 1 Rath. Go dance your dogs with your fiddle de dee For a fprightly lad is the tune for me. II. Katk. Like fweet milk turn'd now to me feems love. Dar. The fragrant Rofe does a Nettle prove. Katb. Sour Cu"rds I tafte, tho' fweet Cream I chofe. Dar. And with a flower I fling my nofe. Katb. In courtfhip funny, &c. \TLxeunt federally* Enter FITZROY. Fitz. Ay, here's Father Luke's houfe : I doiibt if his charming niece is up yet. (Looks at bis watch) I fhall be back before the family arc iUrring, and even if not, drawn hither by the devout hopes of paying my adoration to this Sylvan Deity, the beauty and frclhnefs of the morning exhilirates and delights. AIR. Fitzroy. The Twins of Latona, fo kind to my boon, Arife to partake of the chafe, And Sol lends a ray to chafte Dian's fair Moon, And a fmile to the fmiles of her face. For the fport I delight in, the bright Queen of Love With myrtles my brow fhall adorn, While Pan breaks his Chaunter, and fkulks in the Grove, Exceil'd by the found of the horn. The dogs are uncoupled, and fweet is their cry, Yet fweeter the notes of fweet Echo's reply. Hark forward, my Monies ! The game is in view $Ut love ii the game that I wifti to purfue. The 97* THE POOR SOLDIER; The Stag from his Chamber of Woodbine peeps outj His fentence he hears in the gale, Yet flies, till entangled in fear and in doubt, His courage and conftancy fail. Surrounded by foes, he prepares for the 'fray, Defpair taking place of his fear, With Antlers erefted awhile ftands at bay, Then furrenders his life with a tear. The dogs, &c. Oh here comes the Pried her uncle, and now for his final anfwer, which muft determine my happinefs. (Enter Father Luke] Good morning to you, Sir. F. Luke. And a good morrow, and a hundred and a thoufand good morrows to you worthy Sir. Fitz. As many thanks to you my reverend Sir. F. Luke. True, Sir, I am reverend, becaufe I'm the Prieft of the Parifh. Blefs you, Sir, but you're an early rifer. Fitz. Why you inuft imagine that the pillow has no great charms for one whofe heart can take little reft 'till lull'd to peace by your friendly benediction. Oh ! Father Luke your charming Niece. F. Luke. My Niece you told me of that, but you never told me your fortune, fo it's gone quite out of my memory. Fitz. Why Father, if you mud peep into my rent-roll, I fancy you'll find it fomething above 2000!. a year F. Luke. Two thoufand ! You mail have my niece : but there's two things which perhaps you have not confider'd on. Fitz. What are thofe ? F. Luke. Her religion and her country. fit* THE POOR SOLDIER. 273 Fitz. My dear Sir, be allured I am incapable of an illiberal prejudice againft any one, for not having firft breath'd the fame air with me, or for worfhiping the fame Deity in another manner. We are common children of one parent, and the honed man who thinks with moral rectitude, and acls according to his thoughts, is my countryman let him be born where he will. F.Luke. Juftmy thoughts, Sir, I don't mind a man's country fo he has You've 2000!. a year ? (Fitz. biws) Your hand, you lhall marry my niece. Fitz. My dear good man you're the bed- of Priefts j but there's one thing that I'd wifh to be certain of Are you fure your niece's heart is totally difengag'd ? F. Luke. Why Sir fhedid give her heart away but I made her take it back again, fhe had a fort of a Lover that I thick Ihe was a little fond of. Fitz. How? F. Luke. Don't be alarm'd, Sir, for lord knows \vhat's become of poor Patrick fince he was fent off for America : upon my rcfufing Norah to him, he took on fo, that one day, full of ale and vexatien, the fool went and lifted for a foldier. fitz. Ah, I cou'd wifh that F. Luke. You can wifh for no more than you lhall have : (he's your's : I fay the word ; and I'm her uncle, her Guardian, and her Clergy. Here, Norah, child, (calls at tbe window) I fancy (he's not awake yet. (Going in.) Fitz. Hold Sir, I wouldn't have her difturb'd for the world. F. Luke. W'ell faith, vou'ie good natur'd enough ocniidtring JOU'TC been fighting in Ame'i ica. VOL. i. N N Fitz. 274 TH POOR SOLDIER. Fitz. My dear Father Luke, you know I'm down here at the Duke's upon a viiit, and you have ienfe enough to know like wile, that not- \vithftanding your niece's beauty and merit, and the reverence due to your character, fiich is the ridiculous pride, and afium'd privilege of birth and fortune, that I fhould be raoft egregioufly rallied, and perhaps obftacles thrown in the way of my happinefs, Ihou'd this affair be talked of there. F. Luke. Not a word, my lips are feal'd. Fitz. That's right, my dear friend, the cere- mony once over, with pride I fhall publifli my felicity to the world. 1 have already fent up to Dublin, for fome trifling ornaments for my fweet Norah ; I expect them eveiy hour, this night you mall join our hands, and then I'll introduce my lovely bride as fuch, to my friends at Carton Houfe, Enter DARBY. Dar. Father Luke, I want to fpeak a word with you if you pleafe, Sir. (Fitzroy walks up the Stage.) F. Luke. What do you mean you free fellow ? Don't you fee I'm in company, and in company with a gentleman too ? Eh, you wicked boy ? Dar. I'm not wicked F. Luke. Eh, how child, what, an't I your Pri^ft, and don*t I know what wkkednefs is. Dar. Well Sir, to be fure I have been a young rake, as a body may fay, but now I'm going to take a wife to myfelf. F Luke, (to Darby] Getaway. 1 beg your worflrp's pard' n. to Fitzrny } Fitz. Oh no apology, Sir. The Shepherd muft look to his flock. F. Luke. THE POOR SOLDIER, a 7 j; F.Luke. Ah ! I'm fliepherd to abldffed flock of goats : Now would you think it, Sir ? that Darby, that fellow that looks fo fheepifli, is the moft notorious reprobate in the whole parifli. Dar. (to Fifzroy) Sir, I'll tell you why Father Luke's always at me. He, he, he ! when one plays or fo, among the girls, you know one muft give them a kifs or two, to keep them in good humour j and then the long winter nights before a fine fire, I'm fo frolickfome among 'em, that when we play at forfeits, it may come to twenty or thirty kifles a piece : thefe they muft all confefs to him, and ecod, of a cold morning they keep Father Luke, 'till his fingers are numb'd, and his nofe is blue, he, he, he! you know, Sir, you know that's the reafon you don't like poor Darby. F. Luke. Get along you profligate. Dar. Well, Sir, I'll go. F. Luke. Come back here: Where are you going now ? 1 warrant you're pofting away to the alehoufe; but I'll folloxv you ; I'll meet you, there, and if I catch you guzzling, if you dare call for a quart of ale before me. t Dar, You'll drink half of it. F.Luke. Go along, go. (pujhes him off) Oh! dear me ! I'm only a poor pjrifh pridi here ; and Iprofeis I have more to do than a bifhop. Fitz. \ wiih father you were a bilhop. F. Luke. [ wiih to Heaven I was Fitz. Well, well who knows all in good time We ftnll L -e his Gi ace's intereft Such a thing may be done. F. Lukf. Ohj that nothing may hinder it ! AIR 276 THE POOR SOLDIER. AIR. Father Luke. An humble curate here am I, The boys and girls dire&or ; Yet fomething whifpers by and by, J may be made a Re&or : Then I'll preach And teach, My fheep and rams. So well I'll mind my duty ; And Oh, my pretty ewes and lambs \ Your paftor (hall be true t'ye. For tho' a fimple fifherman, A dean'ry if I fim up, So good I'll do the bell I can, And pray to be a Bifhop. To my preaching, Teaching, Then farewell. No more with duty hamper'd, But plump and fleek, My Rev'rend cheek ; Oh, how my lordfhip's pamper'd. But, Sir, you're Cure of my niece Norah ; and now I mufl. attend fome duties of my function among my parifhioners. [Exit. Fitz. Love for a young man ! this is not fo well : The firft impreffion of love*upon the heart of an innocent young woman, is not eafily, if ever eras'd ; yet, the coldnefs of her carriage to me, rather checks my hopes than abates the ar- dor of my affections. (F* Luke's door opens} 'Tis fhe ; I fear to fpeak to her, left I fhou'd be ob- ferv'd by forne of the villagers, (retires} Enter THE POOR SOLDIER. 277 Enter NOR AH, /row the Houfe. AIR. Norab. The meadows look chearful, the birds fweetly fing, So gaily they carrbl the praifes of fpring ; Tho' nature rejoices, poor Norah fhall mourn, Until her dear Patrick again ihall return. II. Ye lafles of Dublin, ah, hide your gay charms ! Nor lure her dear Patrick from Norah's fond arms j Tho' fattins and ribbons and laces are fine, They hide not a heart with fuch feelings as mine. What a beautiful morning ! The primrofes and violets feem to have fprung up fince the fun went down: Ifthegrafsis nottoo wet, perhaps Kathlane will take a walk with me but, (he's gone to walk with her fweetheart Dermot: Well, if Patrick had'nt forfook me, I fhou'dn't now want a com- panion. Oh dear ! here's the gentleman that my uncle is always teazing me about. Fitz. A fine morning, Madam ; but your prc- ience gives an additional luftre to the beauties of this charming fcene. Nor. Sir. (curt/ies) Fitz. Beautiful Norah, has your uncle appriz'd you of the felicity I hope to derive from your compliance with his will, and my ardent wifhes ? Nor. { don't know, Sir ; he talk'd to me a great deal, but Fitz. (taking her hand] Nav, do not avert thofc lovely eyes look kindly on me. AIR. 27 8 THE POOR SOLDIER. AIR. Fitzriy. For you dearefl maiden the pride of the village, The town and it's pleafures J freely refign. Dengnt ipiings from labor, and icience from tillage, Where love, peace and innocence fweetly combine. Soft tender affection, what blifs in pofleffing, How bleft when 'tis love that infures us the bleflmg. Carefs'd, Oh what rapture in mutual careffing, j What joy can I wilh for, was Norah but mine. The feafts of gay fafhion with fplendour invite us, Where luxury, pride and her follies attend ; The banquet of reafon alone fhould delight us, How fweet the enjoyment when mar'd with a friend. Be thou that dear friend then, my comfort, my pleafure, A look is my funfhine, a fmile is my treafure, Thy lips if confenting, give joy beyond meafure, A rapture fo perfedt, what joy can tranfcend 1 Nor. Do, Sir, permit me to withdraw ; our village is very cenforious ; and a gentleman be- ing feen with me, will neither add to your ho- nor or my reputation. \Exit into houfe. Enter BAGATELLE, (bajlily) Bag. Ah, Monfieur ! Fitz. Well, what's the matter ? Bag. Ah, Monfieur ! I'm come I'm come - to tell you that I'm out of breath. Fitz. What's the matter ? Bag. It is all blown - Fitz. I fuppofe my love affair here is difcover'd. (half afide] ' Bag. Oui Monfieur, I have difcover. - Fi/a. THE POOR SOLDIER. 279 Fitz. How, you? Bag, All blown. Fitz. The devil ! Bag. We muft go to town; Fitz. Difcover'd all blown and we muft go to town Bag. Oui Monfieur. I have difcover dat all your Marefchal poudreis blown out of devindre, and I muft go to town for more. Fitz. And is this the difcovery that has made you run about the roads after me ? Bag. Non Monfieur ; but I am come on de affaire of grande importance. Fitz. Quick, what is it ? Bag. To know Monfieur, if you will drefs to- day en queue or de twitted club. Fit. Is this your affair of grand importance ? Bag. Oui, I muft make de preparation ; oh, I did like to forget to tell you, dat his Grace, and all de fine Ladies wait for your honor's compa- ny in de breakfaft parlour. Fitz. Damn your impertinence, firrah ; why didn't you tell me this at firft ? I fhall have fifty fcouts after me j follow and be in the way, as I fhall want to drefs. Bag. Ah ! ah, ah, begar dis is de Prieft's houfe, and I did meet him in de village. Fort bien, ah, 'tis bon opportunite to make de love to his neice ; 1 vil finifh de affaire with coup d'eclat Somebody come Now for Mademoi- feile Norah, [Exit into Father Luke's boufe, Enter 3 8o THE POOR SOLDIER. Enter PATRICK. Pat. Well, here I am, after all the dangers of war return'd to my native village, two years older than I went ; not much wifer, up to the heart in love, and not a fixpence in my pocket. (Darby fmgs without} Isn't that Darby? 'tis in- deed, and as foolifti as ever. Enter DARBY, finging, flops Jhort, looks with fur- fnze at PATRICK. Dar. Is it Pat ? (runs to him'} My dear boy you're welcome, you're welcome my dear boy. Pat. Thank you Darby : how are all friends fmce I left them. Dar. Finely j except a cow of mine that died laft Michaelmas. Pat. But how is my dear Norah ? Dar. As pretty as ever. I muftn't tell him of the Mounfeer that's about her houfe. (afide) 'Twas a fliame for you to turn foldier, and run away from her. Pat. Cou'd I help it, when her ill-natur'd un- cle refus'd me his confent, and Ihe wou'dn't marry me without it. Dar. Why Father Luke's very crofs indeed to us young lovers* Eh, Pat, but let's look at you. gad you make a tight little foldier enough ; you'll have Norah : oh, if I thought I cou'd get Kathlane by turning foldier, I'd lift to- morrow. Pat. Well, P1I introduce you to the Serjeant. Dar, Ay, do, if you pkaie. I thick I'd look very THE POOR SOLDIER: 2 gt pretty in a red coat, ha, ha, ha ! (feems delighted -with Patrick's d^ejs) Let's fee how the hat and feather becomes me ? {takes off Patrick's hat, and dif covers a large fear en his forehead] What's that ? Pat. Only a wound I got in battle. Dar. Hem, take your hat ; I don't think re- gimentals wou'd become me at all. Pat. How ! ha, ha, ha ! what terrified at a fear, eh, Darby ? Dar. Me terrified ! not I, I don't mind twen- ty fears, only it looks fo conceited for a man to have a black patch upon his face; but how did you get that beauty fpot ? Pat. In my attempt to fave the life of an offi- cer, I fell, and the bayonet of an American gre-. nadier left me for deadj bleeding on the field. Dar. Left for dead ! Pat. There was glory for you. Dar. Hem ! and fo they found you bleeding in your glory ? Pat. Come now, I'll introduce you to the Serjeant. Dar. (looks out} Hem ! yes, I'm coming, Sir. (feems as if anfwering fomebody without) Pat. Oh, yonder is the Serjeant, (locking out) Where are you going ? Dar. To meet him. (going the contrary way) I'll be with you prefently, Sir. (looks at Patrick) Hem glory row de dow. [Exit* Pat. Ha, ha, ha ! the fight of a wound is enough for poor Darby but now to fee my fweet Norah, and then for. a pitcher of friend- {hip with my old companions. VOL. i. oo AIR. 282, THE POOR SOLDIER. AIR. Patrick. The wealthy fool with gold in flore, Will ftill defire to grow richer ; Give me but health, I afk no more, My little girl, my friend, and pitcher. My friend fo rare, My girl fo fair, With fuch what mortal can be richer ; Poffefs'd of thefe, a fig for eare, My little girl, my friend and pitcher. II. From morning fun, I'd never grieve, To toil, a Hedger, or a Ditcher; If that when I come home at eve, I might enjoy my friend and pitcher. My friend, &c. III. Tho* fortune ever ftiuns my door, (I know not what can thus bewitch her;) With all ray heart ; can I be poor, With my fweet girl, my friend and pitcher. My friend, Sec. [Exit into SCENE II. Infide of FATHER LUKE'S Houfe. BAGATELLE difccyer^d) fpeaking at a chamber door* Bag. I wou'd only fpeak von vord vit you. Ouvrez la porte, ma chere j do open de door, Mademoifelle Norah. Nor. THE POOR SOLDIER. 383 Nor. (within] I requeft, Sir, you'll go away. Bag. Firft give me de von little kifs. Nor. (within) Upon my word this is exceed- ing rude behaviour, and if my uncle finds you there, fee what he'll fay to you. Bag. (aftde) Oh de Father Luke; begar he may be enrage vel, I am going j Mademoifelle Norah, I am going. Pat. (without) Where is my charming No rah? Bag. Ah, mal pefte ! begar, I am all take. I vill hide, (goes into a clofet) Enter PATRICK. Pat. Eh! all the doors open, and nobody at home, (knocks at the chamber door) Who's here ? Nor. (within) You're a very rude man, and I defire you'll leave the houfe. Pat. Leave the houfe ! a kind reception after two year's abfence. Nor. Sure I know that voice. Enter NORAH. My Patrick ! Pat. My dear, dear Norah! Nor. If 1 was dear to you, ah Patrick, how cou'd you leave me ? Pat. And were you forry for my going ? Nor. Judge of my forrow at your abfence, by thefe tears of joy for your icturn. Pat. My fweet girl ! this precious moment makes amends for ail the dangers and fatigues I've fufttr'd fince our parting, Bag, Ah, pauvre Bagatelle 1 (afide) OO2 Pet* 284 THE POOR SOLDIER. Pqt. I heard a noife ! Nor. Oh heav'ns, if it fhou'd be my uncle, what (hall I do ? he's more averfe to our union than ever. Hold, I'll run to the door. Pat. And if you hear Father Luke coming up flairs, I'll ftep in here, (opens door> and dtfcovers Bagatelle] Is this your forrow for my abfence, and tears for my return ? Bag. Begar Monfieur, I am forry for your return. Nor. How unlucky ! Bag. Monfieur, votre ferviteur. Pat. Shut up here with a rafcally Hair-dref- fer ! Bag. Hair-drefler ! Monfieur, you ihall give me de fatisfaction ; I vill challenge you, and I vill meet you vid Pat. With your Curling Irons. Bag. Curling Irons ! Ah, facre Dieu ! Pat. Hold your tongue, except you like to walk out of a window. Bzg. Monfieur, to oblige you, I vill valk out of de vindre, but I vou'd rather valk down flairs: I'm not particular in dat point. Pat. March Sirrah ! or I'll cudgel you while I can hold a fplinter of Shelelah. Bag. Cudgel ! Monfieur, vill you take a pinch pffnuff? non ! oh den I put up my box, and bid you bon jour, ferviteur Mademoiielle Norah. [Exif. Pat. Ah, Norah ! cou'd I have believed this of you ? JSlor. Cou'd I have believ'd Patrick wou'd have harbour'd a thought to my difadvantage ? And can you think me falfe ? P*. THE POOR SOLDIER. 285 Pat. If I do Norah, my heart is the only fuf- ferer. DUET. Pat, A Rofe tree full in bearing, Had fweet flowers fair to fee j One Rofe beyond comparing, For beauty attracted me. Tho' eager once to win it, Lovely, blooming, freih, and gay; I find a Canker in it, And now throw it far away. jftV. How fine this morning early, All fun-miny, clear and bright; So late I lov'd you dearly, Tho' loft now each fond delight. The clouds feem big with mowers, Sunny beams no more are feen ; Farewell ye happy hours, Your falfehood has chang'd the fcene. [ Exeunt fiver ally . END OF THE FIRST ACT, THE POOR SOLDIER. ACT II. SCENE I. The Country. Enter PATRICK. PATRICK. A.Y, I'm but a common rank and file ; it is not of this Frenchman I fhou'd be jealous : my Norah I find has given her heart to an officer no matter. AIR. Patrick. Why breathe fo rude, thou northern wind Be gentle unto me; I lov'd a maiden molt unkind, No fairer mall you fee : Her vows were foft as weilern gale, Whilft flocks are penn'd in fold ; I thought me liften'd to my tale, She left me, ah ! for Gold. Full featly fexton with thy fpade, Oh make my bed a boon ; Yet tho' to reit is Patrick laid, Thy bells ring out this tune. Beneath THE POOR SOLDIER. 587 Beneath this bank of tufted grafs, Ye faithful Avains be told, Is laid the youth that lov'd the lafs, Who lefc him, ah ! for Gold. [Exit. Enter DARBY. Dar. Ho Pat ! Paddy ! Ay there he goes finging about the roads like a difcarded fowl ; fo am I, but why fliou'd Kathleen like Dermot better nor I ? Well, well, I'm fure I'm as ftiew me a compleater fellow I can wreftle I'm a good hurler 1 can cudgel I can play up- on the pipes, and I can dance (dances) and I can fhew me a compleater fellow, that's all (Katblane fmgs without} Oh, here fhe comes. Enttr KATHLANE. Katb. What are you there, foolifh Darby ? Dar. Now am I puzzled whether to take a friendly glafs of punch with Patrick yonder, or flay here and kifs you. Kath. So betwixt my lips and a glafs of punch, you're the afs between two bundles of- Dar. Now I'm an afs you're a bundle of fweet fince nobody's by I'll make hay while the fun mines kifs me Kathlane and then I'll be in clover. Katb. No, I'll not take fuch a rake as you when I go a hay-making, I aflure you. Dar. See there now! Kath. Ay, and fee there again now, you know Darby I'am an heirefs, and fo take your anfwer ; you're no match for me. Dar. *83 THE POOR SOLDIER.' Dar. An heirefs ! Why tho' your father, old Jorum that kept the Harp and Crown, left you well enough in the world, as a body may fay, yet Kath. Well enough, you difparaging fellow ! Did'nt my poor father leave me a fortune of eleven pounds a barrel of ale upon draught the dappled mare, betides the furniture of the whole houfe, which 'prais'd to the matter of thirty eight millings ! Well enough indeed ! T>ar. (frothing.} Nay, but Kathlane Kath. (Paffionate.) Well enough ! And did'nt he leave me the bald filley, you puppy ? Dar. Oh, now flic's got upon the bald filley- the devil ca'n't take her down Katb. A pretty thing to fay to a girl of my fortune. AIR. Kathlane. Dermot's welcome as the May, Chearful, handfome, and good natur'dj Foolifh Darby, get away, Aukward, clumfy, and ill-featur'd : Dermot prattles pretty chat ; Darby gapes like any oven : Dermot's neat from fhoe to hat ; Darby's but a dirty flovea. Lout looby, Silly booby, Come no more to me courting : Was my deareit Dermot here, All is joy and gay fportiiig, II. Dermot's teeth are white as egg, Breath as fwect as fugar-candy : Then he's fuch a handfome leg ; Darby's knocky-kneed and banUy ; Dermot THE POOR SOLDIER. 3*9 Dermot walks a comely pace ; !Darby like an Afs goes flumping : Dermot dances with fuch grace : Darby's dance is only jumping. Lout looby, Silly booby, &c. [Exit. Dar. So I muft fall in love, I wifh I'd firft fell in the river ; Oh dear I (figbs) Bag. (without) Oh, Monfieur Darby! Dar. Lord this is Mr. Bag and tail the Mbn- lieur. . Enter BAGATELLE. Bag. Ah, ha ! Monfieur Darby, begar I did look all about and I could no find you. Dar., That*s becaufe I'm fo wrap'd in love. Bag. Monfieur Pat mall fight a me. Dar. Oh, you're going to fight Pat; Bag. Oui, and dis is the deadly challenge, de lettee de mort. Dar. Oh, what you'll leather him more. Bag. Dis foldier Patrick did affront me be- fore Mademoifelle Norah, and I vil have de fa- tisfaftion Begar 1 vill kill foldier Pat, and you fall be my friend. Dar. Can't you as well kill Dermot, and then you'll be my friend but why kill Pat ? Bag. Ce Monfieur Pat, quel Barbare ! Dar, Oh, becaufe you're a barber. Bag. Voud you affront me ? Dar. Not I. Bag. You vil be my friend, if you vil give dis challenge to Monfieur Patrick. Dar. Give it me by the Lord Harry, man, he mall have it. VOL. i. p r 9<3 THE POOR SOLDIER. Bag. I vill not truft dat Lord Harry's man- Give it yourfelf. Dar. Well, I will. Bag. Dere it is Le Due's coachman did write it for me as he is Englis. Dar. Let's fee. (Opens it and reads.) " Sir, " this comes hopping," " Hopping ! I'll run all the way if that will do " that you're in good " health, as I am at this prefent writing I tell " you what friend, tho* you think yourfelf a *' great officer, you don't make me walk out So leave off your raking and marry a Wife And then my dear Darby you're fettled for life. Sing Ballynomona Oro, A good merry wedding for me. II The banns being publifh'd to Chapel we go, The Bride and the Bride-groom in coats white as fnow. So modeft her air and fo meepifhyour look', You out with your ring and I pull out my book. Sing, Ballynomona Oro, A good merry wedding for me. I thumb 3 do THE POOR SOLDIER. ill. I thumb out the place and I then read away, She blufhes at love, and (he whifptrs obey, You take her dear hand to have and to hold, I (hut ap my Book and I pocket your gold. Sing Ballynomona Oro, The fnug little Guinea for me. IV. The neighbours wifh joy to the Bridegroom and Bride,- The piper before us, you march fide by" fide, A plentiful dinner gives mirth to each face, The piper plays up, myfelf I fay grace. Sing Bailynomona Oro, A good wedding dinner for me. You (hall have Kathlane and here (he comes. Dar. (Bowing.) Thank you, Sir. \_Bcthretire. Enter KATHLANE, with a bird in a Cage. AIR. Katb/ane. Sweet bird* I caught thee in thy neft And fondling plac'd thee in my breaft, When thou wert helplefs, weak and young, Unffedg'd thou couds't not wing the air, I cherifh'd thee with tender care, Be grateful pay me with a fong. AH what to thee are groves and fields, The tempting gifts gay Flora yields, Why pant and flutter to be free ? Ten thoufand dangers are abroad, Then in thy fmall, but fafe abode, Content and cheerful fmg forme. Thoo THE POOR SOLDIER. 301 Thou thinks't not of the various ills The wintry blaft that often kills, I'd fain thy little life prolong, The ruffian Hawk prescribes it's date, The levell'd gun is charg'd with fate, Here brave them in thy warbling fong. Oh, Father, is Dermot within, Sir ? F. Luke. Kathlane, don't think of Dermot. To her man, put your beft leg foremoft. Dar. I don't know which is my beft le.g. F. Luke. Go (makes fign* to Darby.'} Dar. Oh, I muft go and give her a kifs. (kiffes her.) He, he, he! what fweet lips! he, he, he ! Speak for me, Sir. F. Luke. Hem ! Child Kathlane Is the (heep fat ? Dar. As bacon! F. Luke. Child, this boy will make you a good hufband, won't you Darby ? Dar. Yes, Sir. Kath. Indeed Father Luke, I'll have nobody but Dermot. F. Luke. I tell yeu child, Dermgt's an ugly man and a bad chriftian. Enter DERMOT. Dar. Yes Dermot's a bad man and an ugly chriftian. F. Luke. Come here Dermot, take your mug, you empty fellow, (throws it away) I am goin^ to marry Kathlane here, and you muft give her away. Der. Give her away ! I muft have her firft, and it was to afk your cenfent that I F. Luke. I* h, what ! you marry her ! no fuch thing put it out of your head. Der. J02 THE POOR SOLDIER. Der. If that's the cafe, Father Luke, the tw6 fheep that I intended as a prefent for you, I'll drive to the fair to-morrow and get drunk with the money. [Going. F.Luke, (paufcs.} Hey, two fheep ! (afide.) Come back here ; it's a fin to get drunk. Darby if you've nothing to do, get about your bufinefs. 'Dar. Sir! f. Luke. Dermot, Child ! Is'nt it this evening I am to marry you to Kathlane ? Dar. Him I why lord Sir, it's me that you're to marry to her. F. Luke. You, you ordinary fellow ! Dar. Yes Sir, you know I'm to give you F. Luke, (dpart to Dermot.) Two fheep ? (loud to Darby.) You don't marry Kathlane. Dar. No! F. Luke. No, 'tis two to one againft you. So get away Darby. Katb. and Der. Aye, get away Darby. F.Luke. (ToKaih. and Der.) Children, I ex- pect Capt. Fitzroy at my houfe for my niece Norah and I'll couple you all as foon as I clap my thumb upon matrimony. QUARTETTE. .F. Luke, Dermot, Darby and Katblane. Katb. to Der. You the point may carry If a while you tarry. To Dar. But for you I tell you true, No, you I'll never marry. Cho. You the point, &c. Der. Care our fouls difowning, Punch our forrows drowniag, Laugh and love, And ever prove Joys, joys our wimes crowning. Clo. Care oar, &c. Dar. THE POOR SOLDIER. 303 jTtyr, To the church I'll hand her, {Offers to take her hand,Jhe refufes.) Then thro' the world I'll wander, I'll fob and figh Until I die, A poor forfaken Gander. Cho. To the church, Sec. f, Luke. Each pious Prieft fince Mofes, One mighty truth difclofes, You're never vext, If this the text Go fuddle all your nofes. Cho. Each pious, &c. [Exeunt. SCENE IV. A Grove. Enter FITZROY. Fitz. Who can this challenger be ? Some hay- maker perhaps meet me with a reaping hook, ha, ha, ha ! Bag. (without.} Venez ici. Fitz. '^Locking out.) Eh, my man Bagatelle. Ah, the officious puppy I fuppofe has heard of the affair, and is come to prevent mifchief. Bag. (Without.) Come along Monfieur Darby. Fitz. Darby ! the name the boy mentioned Let's fee. [Retires. Enter 304 THE POOR SOLDIER. Enter DARBY, -with a Piftol, and BAGATJLLLE, with a Sword* Dar. Mr. Bag and Tail. Bag. Well ? Dar. When I fall, as to be fure 1 mall that is, if Pat's fecond is as wicked as I am, bring my corpfc to Dermot and Kathlane's wedding. Bag. I vil Monfieur Darby. . Dar. But do you think I may be kill'd ? Bag. Very like. Dai . Hem ! He's not here we'll go home. Bag. Ah, ha ! firil I vill fight him vidde piftol and den I vtf fight him vid de fword. Dar. I'd rather you'd fight him with the fword firft. Bag. Pourquoi why fo ? Dar. Becaufe I long to fee a little fword play, and if yoru fhould be killed with the piitols, then I'm difappointed. Fitz. (afide.} Can Bagatelle be the challenger? Dar. When Pat (hoots I get behind you. CJlands at bis back ) You're curfed thin, one might as well Hand behind a pitch foikj 1 w'fh you were fatter. Bag- Ah, Diable ! wou'd you have me Dutch- man ? Dar. Indeed I wou'd upon this occafion I'd rather fight behind a Dutch Weaver than a French Churchwarden. Bag. Soldier Pat did bid me valk out of de vinder. Ah, ha, begar I vil niake him valk out of de vorld. Fitz. {Advances.} Servant Gentlemen. Bag. Mon Maitre ! Fitz, THE POOR SOLDIER. 305 Fit-z. So you fend challenges, you rafcal. (Jhews letter to Darby) Dar. Me, Sir! Not I, Sir Oh! yes, Sir, I No, Sir, I got it from Monfieur Bag and Tail. (frightened) Bag. (ajide) Ah diantrdl Fitz. (to Bagatelle) Hacr you the impudence to write fuch a letter as this ? Bag. Non, Monfieur the Duke's coachman. Fitz. Coachman, firrah ! Bag. Oui, Monfieur I vil tell your Honor all touchant cet affaire. Sir, I was Dar. Hold your jabbering I'll tell the whole ftory in three words. Sir, you muft know, Pat, the foldier No Monfieur Bag and Tail was Father Luke's houfe -come up ftairs no Norah bid him fays Pat, fays he (td Bagatelle) What did he fay ? Oh, fhe mut the door out of the window: and before Pat could no after how was it ? (to Bagatelle) Bag. Oui, dat vas de whole affair. Dar. Yes, Sir, that was the whole affair. Fitz. Upon my word, very clearly explained. Dar. Yes, I didn't go to fchool for nothing. Fitz. I find my little Norah is the object of Univerfal gallantry, (afide) Bag. Ah, Monfieur. f Fitz. Begone, firrah; and if ever I find you concerned in letters of this kind again, you gee a lettre de catcher. Bag. Ah malheureux 1 [Exit. Dar. (calling after him) Yes, Monfieur, you'd better ftick to the curling irons. Fitz. Yes, my friend, and you had better flick to your flail and fpade than meddle with fword and piftol. None but gentlemen fhou'd VOL. i. R R have 3 o6 THE POOR SOLDIER. have privilege to murder one another in an ho- norable way ; but, when duelling thus defcends, let them be amam'd of a practice, the fatal con- fequences of which precludes him from hope of mercy who dies in the commiffion of a premedi- tated crime, and delivers the furvivor to the iharpeft pains of remorfe. (going) Dar. One word, Sir, if you pleafe. Fitz. (returning) Well, my honeft friend! Dar. Now, Sir, Kathlane's quite loft, there's one thing troubles mej and I'll leave it to you which of the two, Dermot or I, is the prettieft boy for it ? Fitz. Ha, ha, ha! Stupid fcoundrel ! [Exit. Dar. Stupid fcoundrel! You a captain! Hal- loo, corporal ! (calls after Fitzroy) Re-enter FITZROY. Fitz. (threat 1 mng) How! Dar. (turning and falling to the other fide) I fay you, corporal. [Exit Fitzroy. Dar. Such a fwaggerer ! Aye, 1 muft go to town, and learn to talk to thefe people. AIR. Darby.. Since Kathlane has pror'd Co untrue, Poor Darby, ah! what can you do? No longer I'll ftay here a clown, But fell off, and gallop to town : I'll drefs, and I'll ftrut with an air, The barber fhall frizzle my hair. II. In Dublin I'll cut a great dafti; But how for to compafs the cafti? A: THE POOR SOLDIER. 307 At gaming, perhaps. I may win, With cards I can take the flajts in : Or trundle falfe dice, and they're nick'd ; Jf found out, I fhall only be kick'd. W. But, firft, for to get a great name A duel eftablifh my fame ; To my man then a challenge I'll write, But, firft, I'll take care he won't fight : We'll fwear not to part 'till we fall, Then fhoot with our powder, and the devil a ball. [Exit. SCENE V; and loft. Injide ^/"FATHER LUKE'S Houfe. F. Luke, (within) Aye, I'll teach you to run after foldiers. Nor. (within) Dear, Sir! Enter FATHER LUKE and No RAH. F. Luke. Come along. If you won't have Captain Fitzroy you go to Boulogne. Pat, the foldier, indeed ! I'll lend you to a convent I will by my function. Nor. ST, I am contented. F. Luke. Contented ! Very fine. So you put me into a pafii<>n. and now you*re consented. Go get in there, Mrs. Kn^pftck, (puts 'her if?, and locks the door) (tap r at the door with the &V- consent to marry Captain Fitzroy, or there } ftay 'till I fhip you for France. & R 2 Enter 30$ THE POOR SOLDIER, Enter FITZROY; Fitz. Eh, Father Luke! Who's going to France ? F. Luke. Only a young lady here within, Sir, that's a little refractory. She won't marry you. Sir. Fitz. Refufe my hand ! Well, that I'did not expect. But do you refign her to me, Sir ? F. Luke. There, with that key, I deliver up my authority, (gives key) And now, if I can find Mr. Patrick, her foldier, he goes to the county gaol for a vagabond. A jade! to lofe the opportunity of making herfelf a lady, and me a bifhop. [Exit. Fitz. Oh ! here is her foldier. Now, " I muft Teem cruel only to be kind.'* Enter PATRICK. Pat. Well, Sir, by your advice I have ven- tur'd here, like a fpy, into the enemy's camp. Fitz (fternly] Pray, my friend, were you ever brought to the halbei ts ? Pat. Sir! Fitz. How, came you abfent from your regi- ment ? have you a furlough ? Pat. (confus'd). Not about me, Sir. Fitz. I have the honor to bear the King's comniifiion, and am oblig'd to take you up tor a deferter. Pat. Sir, it was a reliance on your honor and good nature that tr^pann'd me here; therefore, 1 hope you won't exert an authority which 1 had no fufpicion, at that time, you had a right to. Fit*. THE POOR SOLDIER, 309 Fitz. No talk, Sir ; it was for the good of the fervice I trapann'd you hither, as you call it. I've a proper perfon prepar'd here, into vvhofe cuftody I (hall deliver you. (unlocks the door") Pat. What a cruel piece of treachery ! (afide) Fitz. (prefenting Nor ah} Since you reject me, madam, here's one that will know how to deal with you. Nor. My Patrick ! Pat. Oh, Norah! if this is real, let's kneel and thank our benefactor. Fitz. No, Patrick, you were my deliverer; I am Chat very officer whofe life you fav'd at Beatti's Ford, ami the identical Captain Fitz- roy who wou'd have depriv'd you of a treafure I now deliver to you with joy, as the reward of your generolity, valour, and conftancy. F. Luke, ('without} No, I can't find the run- away-rafcal. Pat. Your uncle ! Nor. Oh, heavens ! Fitz. Don't be alarm'd. Enter FATHER LUKE, DERMOT, DARBY> and KATHLANE. F. Luke. What's here 1 Patrick ! Dermot and Darby, lay hold of him. Der. Not I. Dar. I'm no conftable. F. Luke. I fay take him. The ferjeant Cull lay hold of him. Dar. Why, Sir, the white ferjeant has laid hold of him. Fitz. Dear Sir, don't be fo violent again ft a young man that you'll preiently many to your niece. F. Luke. 3 io THE POOR SOLDIER. F. Luke. Me ! fitz. Don't you wifh to be a bifhop ? F. Lake. A fine road to bring a foot foldier into my family j then a halbert muft be my crofier, and my mitre a grenadiers cap, a common foldier indeed ! Fitz. He's no longer fo, I have a Gommiflion to difpofe of, and I cannot fet a higher value on it, than by beftowing it on one fo worthy. F. Luke. An officer ! Oh, that's another thing. Dar. Pat an officer ! I'll lift to-morrow in fpite of the black patch. Pat. Sir, tho' it's a vain attempt, my fweet Norah and I fhall endeavour to deferve your patronage and goodnefs. Kath. (to Norah.) My dear Norah, I wifh you joy. Dar. (apart to Kathlane) How dare you make fo free with an officer's lady ? F. Luke. But Captain, why do you give up my Niece ? Fitz. Sir, the Captain thought himfelf unworthy of her, when he found fuperior merit in the poor Soldier. FINALE, Fitz. More true felicity I fhall find When thofe are join'd, (to Pat. and Nor.) By fortune kind ; How pleafing to me, So happy to fee, Such merit and virtue united. 2fcr. No future forrows can grieve us, If you will pleafe to forgive us ; To each kind friend We lowly FLOUNCE attending. Mrs. CGC. What a ftrange incident, my marry- ing this old Mr. Cockletop ! Pon my honor, were I fingle, I'd have the moft beautiful Theatre in my houfe, and his nephew Frank mould be the manager of late he looks at me in a very particular manner ; I can fcarce think it poffible for thofe features to ftrike him with admiration. (looking in the glajs) Flounce. Ma'm thofe features muft ftrike every body with admiration, (looking at herfelf in the glaj's Gixr Mrs. Cockktof s Jhouldtr) Mrs. Coc, You flatter them. Flounce. Not in the leaft, Ma'am ; but what fignifies your beauty, or my fkill in fetting it off, my mafter, fmce he's turn'd his brain Mrs. $20 MODERN ANTIQUES; Mrs. Coc. Ay, fince my hufband has com.* menced antiquarian, with his curiofities. Flounce. Foreign cockle-ihells, mouldy far- things, and all his old fafhion'd trumperies. I dare lay he'd fell you for the wing of a but- terfly. Mrs. Coc. Flounce, I'll take you td fee Lear to-morrow night at Lord Rantum's private Theatre. Flounce. Thankye Ma'am. But Mifs Topits maid told me, all of them except your Ladyfhip, made a ftrange piece of bungling work of their play there lait Wednefday. Mrs. Coc. Work ! Oh heavens ! If Shakefpeare could have taken a peep at them, ha, ha, ha! Romeo and Juliet the play a hot difpute arofe on the text Mrs. Melpomene infixing an error o'the prefs in, " Juliet is the fun," for, fays me, (mimicking] ' Isn't Juliet a woman's name !" Cer- tainly replies Sir Colly Comment, (mimicking) " And is'nt Romeo talking to this very young lady in the balcony ?" Moft certain, mem, " Ob, oh, then, certainly (fays fhe) the poet meant " Inilead of Juliet is the ion, that Romeo fhould fay, it is the Eaft, and Juliet is the daughter" Ha, ha, ha ! then the Romeo and Paris were real rivals for the love of 1 was the Juliet you know Flounce, how I look'd when I left my toilet here. Flounce. Charming ! I don't wonder if they fit about you. Mrs. Coc. Flounce, you're near it for in the tomb fcene, Romeo, inftead of a foil, (ufual in thofe cafes) whips out a fword on the noble County Paris, uho fuppofing malice prepence, prudently before a lunge cou'd be made at him, lays OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 321 !ays hiinfelf down, kicks up his heels, and Oh ! dies very decently. Romeo full of remorfe, looking over the breathlefs body, and going on with his fpeech in the author's words, feys " Who have we here ? The noble County raris ! ) Flounce, can I in complexion compare with my niece Belinda. Flounce: Can a dam of cold water compare to almond pafte, and milk of rofes, Enter JOEY with tkefack, throws it on the Toilet. Joey. My firft piece of farvice in my new place." {Exit. Mrs. Coc. Ah ! (fcreams) Enter COCKLETOP with afmall fcrollof Parchment. (angrily) Aftonifhing, Mr. Cockletop, you won't even let me have my drefllng-room to myfelf. VOL. i. T T Coc, 322 MODERN ANTIQUES j Coc. Oh, Mrs. Cockletop what a prize! I have bought one of the long-loft books of Livy, a manufcript fo capitally illegible, that no man on the globe can diftinguifli or read a let- ter of it. Let's fee what change Jie has given me. (reckoning money) Flounce. Full of fnails. (ft&gfag tke plants off the talle> knocks the money out of Cockletop's band.) [Exit. Coc. The botanical plants from Doctor Camo- mile ! carefully pick them up, every leaf has the virtue. Enter FRANK In a riding drefs. Frank. Will they heal my wounded pocket ? (picks up the money) Coc. Eh ! what, you lizard ! (taking the money from him) The valuable fimples Mrs. Coc. Do, my dear, let poor Frank have a little money. Coc. From which Pd have diftilPd aqua mira- bilis. (gathers the leaves) Frank. Your generofity would be Coc. So rare ! Mrs. Coc. Confider, your nephew making an appearance equal to other young gentlemen is a credit to you, as you're known to be . Coc. A curiofity ! Mrs. Coc. Give him a few guineas. Coc. Penny-royal Pll give him a Colt's foot, (picking up the leaves) Mrs. Coc. Befides often antiques may fall in his way. (ivinks at Frank) Frank, Ay, if I want to buy curious medals, camios or intaglios for you Coc. OR, THE MEKRY MOURNERS. 323 Coc. What, would you buy antiques for me, my good antelope ? Frank. I was offer'd a fine old moth eaten Hemings and Condel folio of Shakefpeare t'other day for fourteen and nine pence. Ccc. What ? no, matter, could you have it for nine pence ? Buy it, here's a milling, and keep the change. Frank. Ay, Sir, a few guineas could never come in better time, as I'm juft whip and fpur you fee, hey! fpank to Southampton. Mrs. Coc. (alarrid) Pray, Frank, what bufi- nefs have you there ? Frank. What, but to fee my lovely coufin. Coc. Eh ! (puts up the money) Mrs. Coc. Oh ! is that your bufinefs ? Coc. May be, you like Mrs. Ccc. Ay, do you admire my niece ? Frank. Admire ? I love her to diftraction. Coc. The fvveet girl I doat on myfelf. (afide) Get out of my houfe you locuft. Mrs. Coc. Love her, after all my fond hints to him ! (afide} Oh, Sir, I remember rehearfing Imogen with you t'other night, when I was to have fainted in your arms. Coc. Ay, you villain, you ftept afide, and let my poor wife tumble down, and knock her fine head againft the brafs fender < Take a double hop out of your two boots, you jackdaw, how dare you (land before your aunt, with a horfewhip in your hand ? Do you want to bring her grey hairs with lorrow to the grave ? Mrs. CGC. Grey hairs. Enter FLOUNCE. flounce. Ma'am ! Mrs. Cammomile. T T 2 324 MODERN ANTIQUES ; Mrs, Coc. Sir, command your nephew to think , no more of my niece. Love another You an amateur ! Stand from the entrance. [Exit in a paffion y and FItunce. Frank. Why, my dear uncle, you are really a good natur'd old lad ; but for this nonfenfical paffionfor antiquities, in which you've no more judgment than my boot. Coc. What's that ? Frank. Did'nt you t'other day, give ten pounds for a model of Trajin's pillar, which turn'd out to be a brafs candleftick ? Coc. No. frank. Had'nt you a fervant-maid dragg'd be- fore a juftice for fecreting three hundred and fifty iilver fpoons, which you i'wore were fliut up iq a cherry ftone. Coc. No. Frank. You woud'nt let my aunt go to a poor living aclor's benefit, yet gave half a guinea for Rofcius's eye lafh, which proved to be taken from the corps of a cobler in Cripplegatc. Coc. 'Tis no fuch thing. Frank. Didn't you give twenty pounds for the firft plate ever Hogarth engraved, tho' it was only a pint porter pot from the Barley Mow ? Coc. No. Frank. Did'nt you throw a lobfler in the fire, {wearing it was a Salamander ? Coc. No. Frank. When my aunt broke her tortoife&ell comb, you carefully pick'd up every tooth, Ihewing them about for the quills of a porcupine. Ccc. I did not firrah. Frank. Heaiingme whittle " the larks fhrill notes" from the n^rt room, you attempted to periuade the company, 'twas a humming bird. OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 325 Coc. Ay, but that was all when I was fick. In bodily health my mind is bright and poufh'd ; but you moft audacious dromedary ! traduce my fkill in antiques ! Hark'y, when you can prove to me that it's pofiible I can be impofed upon in antiquities, that is, if I am in health, I confent to give you Belinda ; here's my hand on it. Begone, your face is as odious to me a new copper penny. \_Exit, Enter HEARTY, tailing after COCKLETOP. Hearty. Sir, Here's the receipt Frank- Ay, Hearty, you're my uncle's Stew- ard, receiver of his cam., and yet do, give me a few guineas, cheat him a littte my honeft feliow. Hearty. Mufn't. Frank. Plague of the money, I want it. Ye. terday met a parcel of lads in the Park a party propofed for a bafonof turtle at the Spring Gar- den I was oblig'd to " good bye" aiked to dinner at Mr. Nabob's, Ilarley Street, fo, as I dreaded carcis in the evening, fneak'd off* without my hat, 'caufe I hadn't half j crown to releafc it from the butler. Then my friend, Jack Fro- lick, the player, franck'd me into Covent Garden ; fat down in the upper boxes bet ween' Mifs Frump, and Mrs. Rollabout, when the curil orange wo- man thrufts her bafket, with " fweet gentleman, treat the ladies." I was obliged to clap my hand upon my pocket, with my puife gone ! Ton honor, no entring a public place for thefe light finger'd gentry." Coming home yefterday, caught in a (baking fhower. " Your honor, 3zfi MODERN ANTIQUES j honor, coach unhir'd.'' In I jumps, not re-r collecting his difmal honor had'nt a milling to pay for it, fo, as the fellow clapt to one door i out I pops at t'other; but then I got mob'd by the waterman, and broke my fhins over a poft running away from the link-boy. Hearty. Why, Frank, I'll lend you my own money with all my heart. Frank. No, before I ft rip you of what you may yet want to cherifli your old age, I'll perifh. Yet, this is my Belinda's birth day By heaven I will wifh, ay, and give her joy, tho* I foot it every mile to Southampton, and dine on water crefles by a ditch fide. [Exit. Hearty. Spirited lad ! But I hope by means of my letter, I fhall be able to aflift him tho* I thought his uncle too abfurd to tell him, yet its ftrange what a paflion I've got myfelf, for fiming up thofe odd fort of rarities. I'll fell my old mafter the fmall collection I've made ; but as his knowing them to be mine may leflen their value in his opinion ; this letter roufes his de- fire to buy them, and then if I can but make him believe I'm fome traveller that has brought them from Italy, or Enter JOEY in a Livery. You're the new footman ? Joey. Yes, I be's. I've put'n on my livery, Hearty. Here's a letter was left for your mafter, You'll give it to him directly. [gives letter and Exit. Joey. So, I muft give this letter too ! They'r reiolv'd in London, to keep no cats that woaf catch mice. Enter OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 32? Enter NAN with a broom^ finging. Nan. (begins tofweep) " A farvice in London is no fuch difgrace." Joey. Isn't that Nan. Why, Joey ! (furpriz'd) Joey. Nan, lord, lord, how glad I he's to fee thee. (they embrace) Nan. But what brings you here ; and in this fine lac'd coat. Joey. Why, I be fix'd here for a farvant man. Nan. Zurn ! Lord, how comacle ! and I hired here to-day as maid. Joey. Hills and mountains will meet Oh dear! Oh dear ! Nan. I'm now fent in here by Mrs. Flounce to do up Lady's dreffing-room, that it feems fome clumfy booby has thrown leaves aboutn. Joey. I'm not a booby, Nan, I find you're as faucy tongu'd as ever. Nan. Oh law, was it you, Joey ? I afk pardon, Joey. 'Twas all along of your croflhefs I com'd up to London. Nan. And 'twas your falfe heartednefs that drove me to feek my bread here. Joey. Well, fince good luck has brought us into one houfe, we'll never quarrel, nor be un- kind no more. Nan. Nor I never more will be jealous Oh, Oh ! you've had this letter from Poll Primrofe Ah ! you deceitful {fnatcbes Hearty's letter from Joeys waiftcoat pocket, breaks it open, and reads) " Sir, encourag'd" Joey. The devil, do you fee what you've done }z8 MODERN ANTIQUES j done, this letter was for Meafter If I havnt moind Nan. Why, Joey, doi;i be angry The firft I get for my Lady, yen (hall open for me, that you (hall v< And belcer my fortune as other girls do." \Exitfmging. Jcey. Egad ! you've fpoil'd my fortune ! What wili become of me ! /ve time to fit down, in my new place, I {hail get kick'd out on't. Enter I:*.-.. . Frank. Eh ! where's Hearty ? (Joey dtops the letter, Frank picks it up and looks al tbefuperfcription.) For my uncle ? Joey, (confufed) Yes, Sir ; I got it to give himi Frank. But how came it ope./d ? Joey. It's open'd. Frank. I fee it is. Do you know, that open- ing another man's letter is tranfportation. Joey. Is it ? then I'll take the blame upon my- felf rather than Nan be punimed. (afide] 'Twas I broke it open, Sir but 1 mean- only to to break it open all accident (trembling) Frank. This promifc; Fomething. (pc Well, keep your own fecret, and I'll bring you out of this icrape. Joey. Do, Sir, do. Frat.k* Any paper here, (fits do^n t writes, as copying the opened letter ; reads) "Sir, Encouraged by your character, I mail, in perfon, to-morrow, offer to you for fale fom^ 'iucique rarities." My old conceited uncle has engaged to give me Be- Jinda, when 1 can prove that it's poffiblc to im- poie on him in antiquities This may do it, and bring OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 329 bring me a convenient fum befides for with all the ridiculous enthuftafm of a Virtuofo, my Uncls has fmall reading, no tafte, but a plentiful Hock of credulity, (writes) Coc. (without) Joey ! Joey. Waunds ! that's Matter. Frank, (Haftily feals and Juperfcribes the letter he had written. ) There, Hand to it ftoutly, that's the very one you receiv'd. (Gives It.) Joey. A thoufand thanks, kind fir. Frank. Oh, but I (hall want a difguife (af.de.) You put on your livery fmce you came, where are your own cloaths ? Joey. In the Butler's pantry. Frank. Quick, go give that letter, (Puts him off) Ha> ha, ha ! Yes uncle, if you've cafh to buy antiquities, I'm a ftupid fellow indeed if I can't find fome to fell you, and if I fucceed, hey, for Southamnton with the triumphant news to Belinda. [Exit. SCENE III. CockletGp's Study. Enter COCKLETOP, ferufiug the letter) *nd JOEY. Joey. Yes fir, I was defired to give it you- if he fhouldfind out that Nan broke open t'other Indeed, fir, that's the very letter it was never opened. Coc. The things this learned man mentions here, are really very curious. Joey. Sir, here be Mr. Napkin the Butler coming. VOL. r, u u Enter ;;o MODERN ANTIQUES ; Enter NAPKIN. Nap. Sir, a man wants you there below. Coc. Then fir, do you fend him up here above, (Pentfes.) Nap. Eh ! what are you idling here ? Come, come, I'll (hew you the bufmefs of a Footman - you muft toaft the muffins for mine and Mrs. .Flounce's breakfaft. Joey. I woll, fir, and broil a beef-fteak for my own. [Exit Napkin and Joey. Coc. Only that my brain is for ever running on my wife's charming Niece Belinda, (Oh, I love her ! I like every thing old except Girls and Guineas) I ihou'd certainly be a fecond Sir Han's Sloane. I'd be a Solander and a Monmouth GeofFery ! Now, who's this ? Enter FRANK in Joey's firft Chalks, with ajmall Hamper. Frank, (afide) I f my Uncle knows me now, he muft have good fpeftacles. Meafter told me, as he told you in letter, he'd call ci you to morrow with fome rarities fir. (In broad ountry dialeft) Coc. Oh, then, you belong to the gentleman who fent me this letter ? Where does your matter live ? Frank. At Brentford ; but I be's from Taunton Dean, and as I was coming to town, to day, he thought I might as well drop them here if you'll buy them. Thefe be they, (/hewing hamper) Coc. Oh, what, he's fent you with the things that are mentioned here. (To the letter.) Frank. I warrant them all vvoundy rich, he gave me fuch a ftridl charge about 'em. Ccc, OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 331 Coc. Rich"! ah, thefe fordid fouls can't conceive that the moft extream delight to the eye of an Antiquarian, is beautiful brown ruft, and heavenly vcrdigreafe ! Let's fee, (reads.) " The firft is a Neptune's Trident from the Barbarini Gallery.'* Frank. 1 hat's it. (foetus a toajling-fork) Coc. (Reads.) " One of Niebes tears pre- ferv'd in fpirits." Frank. That. (Produces a fmall phial. ) Coc. Curious. (afide.) " A piece of Houfe- hold Furniture from the ruins of Herculanium, comprifing the genuine feftion of the Efcurial." Precious indeed, (afide.) Section of the Efcurial { Ay, then it muft be in the fhape of (Frank Jhews a pridiron.) Wonderful ! (Reads.) tc The cap of William Tell, the celebrated Swifs Patriot, worn when he fhot the apple off his fon's head." Frank. I've forgot to bring any thing even like that. What fhall I do? (afide.) I warrant it be's here, fir. Coc. I hope it is , for I will not buy one with* out all. Frank. Then all you fhall have (aftde.) Pretends to look in the Hamper. Picks up Cocktetop's bat and with a penk'ife cuts off (he brim.) That's it, mayhap. (Gives the crown) Coc. Great ! This is indeed the Cap of Liberty. (Puts it on his head and reads.) " Half a yard of " cioth from ( taheite, being a part of the mantle <* of Queen Qbercra, preiented by her to Capcain Coo'-." Frank. Zounds, I was in fuch a hurry to get to work, that Iv'e forgot half my tools, (afide) Coc. Where's the cloth from O taheite ? Frank. I dare fay it's here (Feels the coat he has on.) No, roufn't hurt poor Joey. Eh ! (Cuts a large piece off the Skirt of Cockletop's (oat while V * 2 be 33= MODERN ANTIQUES ; be is admiring the thingi.) Belike that's it. [Gives if. Coc. Indeed ! What wonderful foft texture ! We've no fuch cloth in England. This muft have been the Fleece of a very fine fheep. Frank. Ay, taken from the back of an old ftupid ram. fyc. Speak of what you understand, you clown, much talk may betray little knowledge. Cut your coat according to your cloth. Frank. Yes, fir, I cut your coat according to your cloth I muft fix him in his opinion now, with a little finefle (afide.} Mafter to expect fifty pounds for this balderdafh. Coc. Here's the Money. Frank. No, no; if he even thought you fuch a fool to give it, he muft be a rogue to take it, but he fha'n't make me a party, I'll let him know I'm an honeft man. Dom me if I don't throw them in the kennel and quit his farvice. (Going to take them ) Coc- (Haftily) Leave them there, and take the money to your mafter, or I'll make him fend you to the devil, you thicldkull'd Buffalo. (Taking cut a pocket book) Frank. Not a penny of it will I touch. & Enter NAPKIN. Nap. Sir, here's the Gentleman that fent you a letter about calling on you tomorrow. Coc, This muft be your mafter. (to Frank} Frank. Now I'm in a fine way. Coc. I'll tell him of your ralcality. Shew the gentleman up. [Exit Napkin. '- Frank. Don't tell him don't get a poor man turn'd OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 333 turn'd out of bread Quick, give me the money, and I'll take it to him myfelf. Coc. No, no, I'll give it to him. Frank. Plague of my finefle, that I coud'n'c take the money when I might. JLnter HEARTLY, (difgwfed) with ajhagreen cafe, Hearty. Eh ! my old matter feems difguifed as well as I The fooner I get the money the better for poor Frank's fake, (afide) Coc. Sir! (Bows) Hearty. Sii ! (Bowing] Coc. You've been in Italv, fir ? Hearty. I have (In an affumed voice) Frank. I wifli you'd ft.tid there, (afide) Hearty. Not to intrude upon your time, we'll proceed to bufmefs. Coc. Oh, he's in a huiry for his money, (aft^e) No delay on my fide, fir, for I offered the caih half a dozen times. Hearty. Sir, it was lime enough for you to offer me payment when you received the articles. Coc. I don't fay I offer 'd it to you yourlelf, Hearty. To who then, fir ? Coc. To Taunton Dean. Hearty. I underftand you faid j but I afk pardon you'll pleafe to look at, and if you ap- prove of them. Coc. Ohj yes, I approve, tho* certain people that eat your bread, feem to think that you're a rogue, and I'm a fool. Frank. Then fir, you will ruin me ! (apart) Coc. Yes, I will fir. (apart) Hearty I'm a rogue ! lure he don't know me ? (afide.) Hivrly. 334 MODERN ANTIQUES; Hearty. I flatter myfelf fir, when you fee the articles Coc. I have feen them. Hearty. Pardon me, fir, but I think not, where how ? Coc. Why, with my eyes; how the devil elfe Ihou'd I fee them. Frank. I've a mind to knock both their wife heads together and fnatch the money, (afide) Coc. Will you difpofe of thefe or not ? (pointing io Franks articles) Hearty. Sir! Coc. And, Sir! the devil didn't you come here to fell me rarities ? (in a great pajficri) Hearty. Yes, fir, and will if you will buy them. Coc. I tell you I do, and have bought them. Hearty. Have ! Coc. Oh, he repents offering them fo cheap ; but I'll clench the bargain. Here's the fifty pounds, tell your mafter you took it before he came in. (apart to Frank, giving him a nois) Frank. Yes. (goes towards door) COL. Hey! flop, wo'n't you give it to your mafter ? Frank. I'm going to give it him directly, Sir. (going} Coc. But, zounds! What's all this? You'll give it him directly ! Yet, you ftalk by him as if He was only an old wig-block. Frank. Stalk by Who's a wig-block, Sir ? Coc. Your mafter here. Frank. That my mafter no. Coc. Eh ! Isn't this your fervant ? Hearty. No, Sir. Coc. Didn't you write me this letter ? (Jhewing ;V) Hearty OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 335 Hearty. No, Sir. Cot- What, not about the Antiquities ? Hearty. About the Antiquities ? Oh, Yes, Sir, Coc. Yes, Sir ; no, Sir ; carry your prevaricat- ing pate down flairs, Sir. Frank. This muft be an Irapoftor. (apart to Cockletop) You're too late for after-grafs, for my mafter has already hunrd this old fool. Coc. Old fool ! Get you out of my houfe you fcoundrel, or (takes down a blundsrbujs} {Exit Frank. Offer to open your juggling-box here, and I'll blow you to Brentford, you dog, I will, (pre- fents) [Exit Hearty. Enter MRS, CAMOMILE, and MRS. COCKLETOP, they both f cream. Mrs. Cam. Heavens, Mr. Cockletop, will you kill us? Mrs. Coc. Lord, what's on your head ? Coc. The Cap of Liberty Oh, the fuper-beau- tiful purchafe I havejuft made! Such a charm- ing addition to my little curious collection ! Mrs. Camomile you've tafte, I'll give you a treat I'll fhew her all. (afide) Mrs. Coc. (feeing the things that Frank bad left} Heavens ! who has done this ? Enter FLOUNCE. Here, take thefe, and fling them Coc. Lay your fingers on them, and I'll Stra- bo, Campden, and Bifliop Pocock Madam, you fhould, (to Mrs. Camomile] that is, do you know you're a Dilitante I fay you're a celebrated Dil- le and Now what a fine difcourfe Sir Jofeph Banks wou'd make upon thefe 'Madam, I fay Mrs. Coc. 33$ MODERN ANTIQUES; Mrs. Coc. Blcfs me- 1 who has trimm'd you this way ? Coc. Sir Afhton I. ever! I wifh your hufband Doctor Camomile was in town I've fuch a feaft for the venerable Bede. Mrs. Cam. I with we cou'd get you out of town, (afide} Ay, but Mr. Cockletop, a man with money and judgment like you, fhou'd travel himfelf to colled rarities. Coc. I've no occafion to give myfelf the fatigue and perils of travel, to hazard my neck, dragg'd over Alpine precipices, or get my throat cut in. dirty Italian inns, or fuftbcated by peftilential fleams from the infernal mouth of Vefuvius ; I need not like Pliny the elder, be drown'd in a fliower of cinders. No, no, here I fit at home, quiet, in my eafy chair; while travellers come, and lay at my feet the wonderful fruits of their wife refearches. Awake, prepare your under- Handing, here's a tear the devil, I forgot who cried this tear, (afide) Hem ! It's a precious drop preferv'd in fpirits. Flounce. Ha, ha, ha ! Coc. Get along, you moft fcandalous tongued I define, Mrs. Cockletop, you'll order your flip-flop out of the mufeum. Then here is a moft valuable (holds up the Gridiron) Enter JOEY, at the lack. Joey. I'm fet to broil beef-fteaks, and toafl muffins. The cook faid Mr. Frank took 'em, and brought 'em out of the kitchen Coc. There ! all coll me only fifty pounds. This is a Neptune's Trident, (holds up the toajiing fork OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 337 fork} and this piece of furniture from Hercula- nium, the mocjel of the Efcurial, built in honor of St. Lawrence, who was broil'd on Joey. Thankye, Sir, I was looking ifor the Toafting-fork and the Gridiron, (takes tbem) [Exit. Flounce. Ha, ha, ha ! Coc. What's that ? Mrs. Coc. Why, Mr; Cockletop, what have you been about here ? Mrs. Cam. Only look Ctc. I believe I'm bit. Taunton Dean ! He was a rogue, (looks at his cvat and hat) Is my face genuine? Mrs. Coc. Why, 'tis an Antique Bat indeed, my dear, you don't look well. Coc. Don't I ? Mrs. Cam. This may help my fcheme. (afide) My dear Sir, I wou'dri't Ihock you, but you look Coc. Do I? Mrs. Cam. My hufband the doctor, often told me, that your bodily illnefs always had an effect upon your mind. Coc. No man living underftands my conftitu- tibn but Doctor Camomile I muft be; (feeling his pulfe) Mrs. Cam. When a gentleman of your know- ledge is fo grofsly duped, it's a certain fign Coc. It is, that I'm ill, or I never could have been taken in. Mrs. Coc. Lud 1 I wifli your hufband the doc- tor was in Town. ^ Mrs Cam. I'd advtfe Mr. Cockletop to go to him at Winchefter, directly. VOL, i, xx Mrs. 338 MODERN ANTIQUES^ Mrs. Coc. Here, Napkin ! Enter NAPKIN. Order the horfes to your poor mafter the docfcor-at Winchefter. Nap, (looks with concern at Cockle top} Oh, he is yes Ma'am here, John, define Thomas to make Joey put a pair of horfes to the chaife. Mrs. Cam. You'd beft let Mr. Napkin attend you. Mrs. Coc. He's a careful man. Coc. In this journey, I can view the famous antient abbey of Netley j I have a choice bifter drawing of it 1*11 climb and bring from the lummit of the mould'ring wall Mrs. Coc. Yes, you're in a ftate for climbing ! Wou'd you break your neck, my dear lave, and your poor wife's heart ? Coc. Kind fpoufe ! I'll call at Southampton, and fee my Belinda, tho' I die at her feet. (afde) Mrs. Coc. When he's out of town, I fhall have the uninterrupted company of. my dear Frank (ajide) Keep up your fpirits, my love. Coc. I live only for you, my d eared. [Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Cockletop. Mrs. Cam. Napkin, ha, ha, ha ! Here's an op- portunity for our plan. You know as we've all without fuccefs, repeatedly endeavour'd to per- iuade the old couple to fettle fome provifion on wtheir neice and nephew, Frank and Belinda * Nap. Aye, ma'am we mull try ftratagem. Mrs. Cam. The excufe your miftrefs gives, is the chance of her having children of her own, whom me can't wrong, by lavifhing their patri- on others. Nap, OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 339 Nap. Ha, ha, ha ! then to put her out of all hopes of that, as you have fettled, we'll make her believe rny matter's dead, and as I'm now going into the country with him, leave that to me ma'am. Mrs. Cam. I fancy it will be eafy, as me alrea- dy thinks him ill. Nap. And feeble. She heard him threaten to climb up the mouldering walls of Netley Abbey, in fearch of a fprig of ivy, or an owl's neft ; and if I can't invent a ftory to bring the old gentle- man tumbling down Mrs. Cam. Ha, ha, ha ! And .make your mif- trefs, (the mourning widow) eftablifh the dear, amiable young couple well and happy, it will be an excellent joke to laugh at over their wedding fupper. Nap. But I muft prepare for the journey. Mrs. Cam. And I, home, to comfort poor Be- linda. Only you act your part moil dolefully natural, and we muft proper. [Exeunt, 2ND OF TH? FIRST ACT, XX 2 340 MODERN ANTIQUES; ACT II, SCENE I. MRS. CAMOMILE'^ Iloufe. Enter FRANK, in his dijguife, FRANK. HOLLO ! Mrs. Camomile ! here's a nick ! ha, ha, ha ! Enter HEARTY in his own ckaths t greatly agitated. Hearty. Ay, here's the rafcal. (lays bold en Frank} Villain ' Tell me this inftant. Enter JOEY, running. Jcey. Yes, this is my Coat ; I'll make a Davy qf it. (lays holds of Frank on the other fide: Frank. Hey ! Be qiret my good friends! He rfy. (enraged] Where's the money you ob- tain'd undei fdlle pretences, rafcai ? Joey. OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 341 Joey. Peli er my coat, firrah. Frank. Both deliver me, or with one of you, fll rattan the other out of the room, (difenragct himfelf) You fcoundrel, is this your thanks, tor faving your neck, when you broke open your matter's letter, (apart to Joey] Joey. (Surveying him) Lud ! if it isn't and here too's the gentleman that gaven me if lie difcovers. (afide) Keep my wearing apparel, and lav no mor aboutn. Frank. You fay no more aboutn, or you fail for Port Jackfon. Step down, and bring ine word when a faddled horfe comes to the door Fly ! Joey. Yes, Sir, yes. (frightened'} [Exit. Frank. Hallo ! Hearty, how do you my buck. [difcovers himfelf) Hearty. Frank! (furveying bim with fbrprife) Frank. Frank and free Tol, lol, lol ! Eh, only touch'd uncle out of fifty. (Jbews the Bank &ote) Uncle's own Kitchen's now his Heicula- nium, ha, ha, ha ! To think how I've left him in his Cap of Liberty, flouriming his Barbarini toafting-fork. He's to give me Belinda when I can prove he can be impos'd upon in Anti- quities. Hearty. But how did you Frank. Then fuch triumph, to fling the hatch- et even beyond the traveller - 3 but I had a mind to kick him tho'. Hearty. I'm glad you did not tho', Frank. You glad ! Why, what is it to you ? I fhall never forget old Muz, the Philofbper ; f think I fee him now, with his fcientific wig puli'd over his mulberry nofe, 342 MODERN Hearty. You do? (in his feign* d voice) Frank. Eh ! (furpriz'd) Really, cou'd it have been you my honeit old friend. Hearty. Aye, here you fee old Muz, the phi- lofopher, who laid out for a fifty, only to intro- duce it to you, my dear boy. (Jhakes bis hand) Frank, (ruminating) Well, now, upon my foul, this is Hearty. Hang reflection, as long as one of us has fucceeded ; have you heard of your uncle's leaving town. Frank. Has he ? Hearty. I've fome time upon my hands, I'll go with you to Southampton. My borfe is at the livery-ftables the other fide of Weftminfter Bridge. Frank. Y6u'd beft ftep on before me, have him out ready, you'll not have a momrnt to wait, for Til mount the inftant mine comes to the door. Hearty. You'll tell me how you circumvented me, and fuch roaring laughs as we'll have all the way, ha, ha, ha ! " By the Lord, lad, Pm glad you've got the money." [Exit. Frank. Ha 3 ha, ha ! Well, my mock curiofiiies may have a better tffccT: on my uncle than Heaity's real ones, if they can help to cuie him of an abfunl whim that makes him the dupe of Jmpoftors, flinging his money after things of no utility. His very clown (h tei a Us have now- found out his weak fide, and often pay their rent in buttei flies, dried leaves, ftones, and bits of old iron, (looks at his watch) Getting late: I'd like to fee if Mrs. Camomile has any commands for her friend Belinda. Enter OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 343 Enter BELINDA at the back, and JOEY at the fide*. Joey. Sir, the horfe be come. Frank. Then, hey for love, and my divine Be- linda, (going) Bel. Pray, Sir, whither in fuch a monftrout hurry ? Frank. My love ! Joey. Love ! Oh, then, I may ride the poney ttiyfelf. [Exit. Frank. In the name of miracles, how did you get here ? Bel. You know we've the beft friend in the world in dear Mrs. Camomile, the miflrefs of this houfe. Enter MRS. CAMOMILE. Mrs. Cam. Come, come, you happy pair of turtles, this room is the ftage for a little comedy I've to act with your aunt ; of which, I hope, your union will prove the denouement. A loud knocking ivitbout. Enter FLOUNCE. Flounce. Ma'am, my miftrefs is juft drove up to the door. Bel. Oh, heavens! if fhe finds I've run to town (going) Mrs. Cam. Stop flie'll meet you on the flairs. Bel. This way, Frank ; when my aunt comes in here, we'll flip down. Mrs. Cam. But, Belinda, you'll tell Frank what we're at, and both trip directly home ; and you, and all the (ervants, on with your fables. Frank. $44 MODERN ANTIQUES; Frank. Sables! What, to celebrate my true- love's birth-day ! No, I'll have fuch an elegant entertainment at home. Bel. Will you hold your tongue, and come along. [Exeunt. Mrs. Cam. If my little plot on their aunt but profpers. Flounce, run and defire Napkin to con over the leflbn I taught him, and look as difmal as an executor left without a legacy. Flounce. And, Ma'am, I'll bid him keep his handkerchief to his eyes, for fear an unfortunate laugh mou'd fpoil all : here's my miftrefs, Ma'am ; I wiili you fuccefs. [Exit Flounce. Enter MRS. COCKLETOP, (elegant and gayfy drefsed} Mrs. Coc. Oh, Mrs. Camomile ! Mrs. Cam. Well, how do you do? Mrs. Coc. Our houfe feems fo melancholy fince my poor dear man has left town, that now I can't bear to ftay at home. Mrs. Cam. And when he was at home, yoii were always gadding, (afide) Mrs. Coc. I forgot to fhew you my drefs : I had it made up for Cordelia, in our intended play at Mrs. Pathos's. As you were not there> I put it on to confult your tafte. Mrs. Cam. Oh, I forgot to thank you for my ticket ; but excufe me, an engagement Mrs. Coc. Ha, ha, ha ! You had no lofs, for our tragedy was converted into a bull. Mrs. Cam. Ball ! Mrs. Coc. Lear, you \ now, was our play, which we got up with every poflible care. Well, Ma'am, OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 345 Well, Ma'am, Colonel Toper, who was to have play'd Glo'fter, having conquer'd too many bot- tles of Burgundy after dinner, (mimicks) " No, I'll be for none of your ftage I'll fit in the fide- boxes among the ladies. Begin your tragedy, I'll be very civil I'll clap, and I'll encore." " But, dear Colonel, (cries Mrs. Pathos) re- member you're to play; you muft go on." " Well, Madam, I'll fit and fee myfelf come on, that muft be monftrous fine, becaufe I'm fo perfect in my part ; but, firit, we'll have t'other bottle," and reel'd back into the dining- room. " Oh, diffraction! (cries Mrs. Pathos) my audience all met I'm eternally difgraced." " By heaven, you fhan't, Mem ! (fays Mr. Segoon) I'll make an apology. Ladies and Gentlemen, Colonel Toper having been fud- denly taken ill, my Lord Brainlefs has kindly confented to read the part of Glo'fter, and hopes for your indulgence." " Bravo!" from his Grace, and " bravo !" echoed the furrounding circle. Up went the curtain, on came his Lord- fhip, back in hand; he reads, he acts " bra- viffimo !" On fmoothly went the play, 'till the fcene where Cornwall orders the unhappy Glo'fter's eyes to be put out, an incident, none of our fafhionable actors ever thought of, 'till the inftant the cruel command was given. "Without eyes (" were all the letters funs") Glo'fter cou'dn't read ; the probability of fiction thus deftroy'd the play cou'dn't proceed, a ge- neral laugh took place, benches were removed, the fiddles ftruck up Hillifberg's Reel, and audience and actors join'd in a country-dance. Ha, ha, ha! No, I'm determin'd to act no more amongft them. \Vhy can't,! have plays in my VOL. i. Y y own H6 MODERN ANTIQUES ; own houfe as well as Mrs. Pathos? My huf- band's repofitory wou'd make me a complete theatre, if I cou'd but get all his ftupid rarities out of it. Wasn't that a very abfurd circum- itance ? Ha, ha, ha ! Ton my honor, tho' I laugh I'm exceedingly melancholy. Mrs. Cam. You've nothing to make you un- eafy : You're fure that with my huiband, Doctor Camomile, Mr. Cockletop is in fafe hands. Mrs. Coc. Why, I think he's not worfe, or I fhou'd have known it by my dreams ; fr, fleep- ing or waking, he's my thoughts. Mrs. Cam. Then there's hope He's better : be cheerful. Mrs. Coc. Well, Mrs. Camomile, it aftonifhes me how you can be cheerful while your huf- band's abfent ; but, indeed, it's rather unfortu- nate when people are formed with hearts of more fenftbiiity than others. I've heard often, but can't have the fmalleft conception, that there are women that marry old men with no other view than foon to become rich widows, and then take a young one. Oh ! my blood rifes when I think of fuch wives ! I'd rather die my- felf, nay, I'm fure I cou'dn't live, if any thing was to happen to my hufband.- Enter BETTY. et. Why, Ma'am, here's Mr. Napkin juft come below. Mrs. Ccc. But is his matter return'd too ? Mrs. Cam. Well, if even he is not, why fhou'd that alarm you ? .:. Coc. Then, perhaps, Napkin has brought Where is he? Why don't he come up ? Nap- Junj OR, THE MERRY MOURNE-RS. 347 kin ; (calls) torture me with fufpence. Oh I Lord, Mrs. Camomile, if any thing's the matter J fhall die. (with great emotion) Mrs. Cam. But don't teaze yourfelf, perhaps without a caufe. Mr. Napkin, pray walk up. (with compofure] Mrs. Coc. How I tremble ! Mrs. Cam. Coiled your fortitude; you know we mould always be prepar'd for the worft. Enter NAPKIN in a travelling drefs, fplaflfd, and feemingly fatigued. Nap. My dear, good matter! (weeps) Mrs. Coc. My hufband! Oh, Lord, fpeak! pray fpeak. Nap. Madam, will you have him brought up to town, or mail he be buried in the country ? (weeps) Mrs. Cam. Dead ? Nap. I wifli Henry the VHIth had levelled Netley Abbey my fweet matter's thirft of knowledge fuch a height top of the old fpire his head giddy feeble limbs- flretching too far a ftone giving way tho' I caught him by the heel head foremoft corner of a tomb- Hone dam Oh ! (weeps) Mrs. Coc. My fears are true. I faint I die Pleale to reach that chair. MRS. CAMOMILE places a chair, MRS. COCKLE- TOP, with deliberation , bruJJoes it with her hand- kerchief, feats herfelf, takes out a f melting-bottle, applies if t and affitfis to Jwoon. Mrs. Cam. Nay, now, my dear friend, I thought you were a woman of fenfe. If my jeft Y Y 3 on 348 MODERN ANTIQUES ; on death fhou'd caufe one in earneft! {afide) Pray be comforted. Mrs. Coc. (recovering] Comforted did you fay? How is that poflible, my dear Mrs. Camomile, when I've heard you yourfelf remark that black don't become me, tho' if I was to drefs like Almeria, in the Mourning Bride ? Mrs. Cam. To confefs the truth, I was afraid to tell you ; but I before knew of this melan- choly event: and there that foolifh boy, your nephew Frank, thro* his zealous refpecl for the memory of his uncle, has (contrary to all cuftom and decorum) already order'd the whole family to put on the black clothes that were only t'other day laid by, when the mourning for your brother-in-law expired. tyrs. Coc. Madam, you're very obliging. Mrs. Cam. I fee this lofs bears hard upon your mind, therefore it may not be proper fo foon troubling you with worldly affairs ; but now, my dear, that you'll have no children of your own, indeed you fliou'd think of fome eftablifh- ment for your niece Belinda. Mrs. Coc. I'll firft eftablifh my hufband's ne- phew, Frank, merely to mew I prefer my deal- man's relations to my own. Mrs. Cam. This will anfwer the fame purpofe, as Frank marries Belinda, (afide] Well, mail I tell the lad your good intentions towards him ? Mrs. Coc. You're very kind, I'll tell him myfelf; but I'll (irfl confult you, my good friend, on the thoughts I have had in my mind Jiow to make him happv ; but, in my interview with .the boy, I wou'dn't have any body elfe by. The hour of forrow's facred j it's a cruel worldj OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 34 j world, and people luxurious aud fenfual, gay and fortunate, have little feeling for the dit. trefles of a difconfolate widow. Mrs. Cam. My dear creature, endeavour to keep up your fpirits. Mrs. Coc. Ah, friend! what mould a poor woman do that has loft fo good a hulband, but try to to get a better ? (afide) {Exeunt. SCENE II. COCKLETOP'S Houfe. finter FRANK elevated with wine, and BELINDA in mourning. Frank. Ha, ha, ha ! this is the moft whimfical thought of your friend, Mrs. Camomile! Bel. Isn't it charming ? Frank. Your aunt, and, indeed, the whole family, except Flounce and Napkin, who are in the fecret, actually believe that my uncle's dead. Enter NAN, This is your natal day, the birth of beauty : I'll give an entertainment, upon my foul ! Ha, ha ! Mrs. Flounce fays, " Oh, Sir! I can't run' any bills with the tradespeople ;" but, bills and credit ! -While we've money my uncle's curi- ofity guineas ftiali fly. Ha, ha, ha ! Illuminate the rooms brilliant, luftres, girandoles, and chandeliers. Nan. ?> -o MODERN ANTIQUES ; Nan. Yes, Sir, La ! now where's Joey to do all this ? Mr. John, light the clutters, jerry-doles and chanticleers, (calls off} Frank. Prepare the Saloon, Belinda, we will have a ball. Nan. Air the Balloon, for mailer's going to play at ball. Frank. And lay fupper ; then let Napkin fend for a pipe and tabor j a dance we mult have. Tol, lol, lol ! Bel. But indeed now, this extravagance Frank. An't my kind aunt to give me my uncle's cafh ? Then, my Belinda, you and I go to church, and Hymen, in his faffron robe, fliall lead us to the rofy bow'r. Can I refift ? you angel ! (kijjes her hand} Bel. For heaven's fake, Frank, a little decency before the fervants. How unfeeling mud they think you. Frank. I'll fhew you the feeling of fervants for ftich a matter. Enter JOHN, THOMAS, and two Maids in mourn- ing. Hark'ye, Tom the Coachman, you know your matter's no more? Tom. Ay, Sir, death has whipp'd his horfes to their journey's end, to our great forrow. Frank. Poor Tom ! I'm told you're fo griev'd, you've fworn never to touch a drop of punch as long as you live. 'Tom. Me! I'll be damn'd if I ever fwore any fuch thing. Frank. Ha, ha, ha ! A jovial bout the fervants fliall have we'll celebrate your birth day. OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 351 Bel. But where's your friend the fteward ? Frank. Right ! Holloa, Hearty ! Oh, true, I've fent my poor old fellow pacing over Weftminfter-bridge. Fly, and every one bring in his hand, fomething towards the good cheer of the night. [Exeunt fever ally. SCENE III. A Saloon illummated. Enter COCKLETOP in a Storm-cap, Roquelare t &V. Coc. All my doors open ! this blowy night ! icminds me of the Lifbon earthquake ; but my ftorm-cap has protected me. Odd my not find- ing Belinda at Southampton. I wifli I had come into town over London bridge, that now, is a fort of young ruin I love to pafs the Tabbard in Southwark, from whence Chaucer's pilgrims went to the fhrine of Thomas-a-Becket Then the monument's growing a pretty rumble-come- tumble, ha, ha, ha ! But then over Weflmin- fier bridge, to fee Hearty mounted like a great equeftrun llatue! And my man Joey holding his bridle like the Emperor of Morocco's blacka- moor I'm not forry Napkin left me ; nobody knows now I have been at rny fweet Belinda's ; how glad my wife will be, when llie finds I'm come home, and well, (throws back the ftorm- cap^ and looks about the roonij Eh ! my dear has company, this do'nt fpeak much feeling for my illnefs. Enter 35* MODERN ANTIQUES; Enter TOM with a cloth, not perceiving COCKLE TOP* Tern. While Napkin is uncorking the wine, I'll fee if I can't fpread a table as well as a ham- mer-cloth, (takes out a large table and begins to lay it whiftles) I wonder who drives my old mafter now in t'other world, does he go up or down hill ? Coc. Now, who has put Thomas my coach- man into mourning As I left you a pied zebra, why find you a black bear (Jlrikes him with his cane) Tom. Gee up ! (fuddenly turning, furprifed and terrified) [Exit. Coc. What's this about ? Enter NAN with fallad, which Jhe places en the table then picks a bit out) ' Nan. I loves beet-root, (puts it to her mouth) Coc. Yes, and fo do I. (Jhe looks at him frighten d) Some of my family muft be dead, that they're all fo fuddenly got clipp'd. Tell me young wo- man, for whom are you in mourning? (Nan Jhakes her heady puts her apron to her eyes and Exit.) I hav'nt miftook my houfe, fare I believe I'm at next door. Enter NAPKIN, FLOUNCE, and two maidfervants in mourning. , Nap. Ha, ha, ha \ Flounce, if you had feen how capitally doleful I play'd my part. Flounce. OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 353 Flounce. None of your dolefuls now. Mailer away, Miflrefs fafe at Mrs. Camomile's ; the . houi'e to ourfelves, and the young pair, ii.ice Mr. Frank will treat us to a little hop. Nap. Ay, Flounce, for mufic you know I'm no bad fcraper. Flounce, No, Napkin. Nothing tives fpirit to a dance as a pipe and tabor, fo fend out and fee if one can't be hired. Enter two Maids, and Footman 'with a violin. Nap. My fiddtej John, thanky. (fakes it) Now liften, Flounce, for our country dance, only mind the violin ; why, I'll lilt up Jackey Bull, fprightly enough to move the dead, ay, even, to make our eld mailer caper about. (Napkin plays') Coc. " Here, Jacky's return'd from Dover." (joins in the dance, thenfeizes Napkin, the reft run off Jhrieking) So, my good friend, 1 tyring you into the country, you leave me fick, fncak away, and here I find you like Nero at Rome, rafping your cremona. Explain, what brings you all in black, if any body's deceafed, why do you celebrate the funeral rites with feafting and fiddling, and if nobody's dead, why change my dove-houfe into a rookery ? (Napkin puts bis handkerchief to his eyes} Oh then there is fomebody who is it Eh ! who? tell me Vexation! an't I to know ? S'blood 1 are people to die in my houfe, and I the matter, and not be told. Nap. What, or who mall I fay ? (afide) Coc. What tun 1 to think of all this ? ,VOL. i. zz Nap; til MODERN ANTIQUES; Nip. Why, Sir, from feeing us all in black* you're to think that Ccc. What? Nap. That we're in mourning. Coc. But for whom ? It can't be my friend Mr?. Camomile My nephew Frank? Oh Lord ! if it mould be Mifs Belinda No, no ; they woudn'c fiddle and dance for them. It muft be for fomebody, for whom ceremony demands the outward fhews of forrow j but nobody cares whether they liv'd or died. Now, there is one beloved perfon that I don't care a farthing for. (lifule} Yet I left her fo well I fee they're afraid to ihock me Napkin, is it is it. (Napkin Jhakes bis head} It is my my wi- wi wife! [Exit Napkin Jlowly] 'Tis fo ! His filence is a funeral oration Oh, my dear wife ! Enter JOEY, Jhheringas if cold. Joey. Oh, oh ! It be a bitter (harp night, my hands are ftone. Coc. Are you petrified ? I wi(h you were. I'd put you on a bracket in my mufeum. Joey. But, Sir, here we come home, find all our iarvants in mourning, and when I afks for whom, they makes their heads, and walk away. Coc. Joey, it's for your miftrefs. Joey. My lady dead! Lawk how fudden. I believe now I ought to cry. (afide, lifts up tie Jkirt of bis coat, and watches Cockletop. ) Coc. The gentle friend, and companion of my youth, (weeps} Joey. Yes, I mou'd cry. (afidc} Oh ! Coc. The belt of wives. [Jorrtwful) Joey. OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 355 Joey. The kindeft miftrefs. (imitating) Coc. (recovering.) Yet my fervants rejoicing, fljews how ill {he was belov'd. Joey. Yes, Sir, I faid to myfelf when I com'd Joey, faid I, you have got a good mafter, but a bad miftrefs. Coc. Stay, now I'm releafed from her extrava- vagant vagaries Why, fhe'd give as much for a little toilet patch box, ay, as would ptirchafe the black letter palace of pleafure, her week's hair dreffing would buy me Co!ly Gibber's Fop- pington wig Then her temper. Joey. She was a vvixen devil. Coc. Yet fuch a pretty face. Joey. She was an angel for beauty, that's the truth on't Oh ! (cries) Coc. Yet me was getting in years. Joey, Old enough to be my grandmother. Coc. With her lace-caps, and her fripperies; her private plays, her Denouement, and Cataftrophe. Joey. If I didn't fufpect me play'd in private with that Mr. Denemong behind the tapeftry. Coc. I've no right to be fo fad. Joey. Yes, Sir, we mun be glad Ha, ha, ha ! Ke, he, he! Coc. The funeral over, I'll do what I've long wilh'd Convert her drefling-room into my mu- feum. Joey. Her drefling-room would make me a fnug bed-chamber. Coc. What? Joey. I fay, Sir, 'twou'd make you a nice bed- room. Coc. No, a choice repofitory for my antiquities. Joey. Yes, Sir j but indeed they have now got z z 2 'old 356 MODERN ANTIQUES j old and rufly, youfhould befpeak an entire new fett. Cot. The room has an Eaft afpect ; the win- dows face Athens, tho difgraced now by Cock- fpur perfumery, and Fleet-ftreet Japanery I'll remove her things out of it. Joey. Certainly, Sir ; kick them down flairs an't you man of the houfe ? Coc. I am. You're but a boy ; but I fee you've fpirit, follow me to her dreffing-room. Joey. Yes, fir, Hem ! [Exeunt. Enter Mrs. COCKLETOP and NAN, in mourning. Mrs. Coc. Every room, every article of furniture only reminds me of my dear man My beloved Frank's ill timed mirth does not correfpond with his hafte in getting every body into mourning ; but indeed, my poor hufband was never an Uncle to him. Nan. Oh, Ma'm, you look fo well in your weeds. Mrs. Coc. Do I ? Nan. Why, your Ladyfhip's arm from the black fleeve looks like the white leg of a fine fowl. Mrs. Coc. Tho' I revere the memory of my late hufband, yet his ridiculous paffion for fhell? 3 fofsils and antique nonfenle was got to fuch an intollerable height, I was determined that on the firft opportunity I'd fling his rubbifh out of the houfe, and now I'll do it it's a good large room, and I think taftily fitted, 'twill make me a moil- beautiful little Theatre, the thought channs but, alas ! my charrrer is no more! -I'll inftantiy go up, and throw all his old Coppers and Croco- diles OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 357 diles out cf the window -his Mufeum, Cas he calls it) is a moft horrid place -, but I will have it clear'd out. Come. Nan. Yes, an't pleafe you Ma'am. [Exeunf. Enter JOEYJ with Band Boxes, Toilet Furniture, sV, Joey. Ho, ho, ho! Now if our Miftrefs coul'd but pop her head out of her coffin and fee what a fine rummage we have made among her fal de rals trinketies, and gingiebobs (Takes a fmall Phial out of a dr effing box and reads label) " C--o- s cos M e t met i- c ic Lotion " for the face". (Taftes it} Peace ! Eh ! this is a good notion for the ftomach choice Cordial- the very thing that I wanted this cold night to warm my gay little heart, (puts if into his pocket] My miilrefs was fond of filken geer, I wonder now how fhe's contented with a ihroud they fay what people fet their hearts upon in this world runs fo much in their heads, that, even in to'ther, they can't reft if fuch things (hou'd be difturb'd. Meafter fays he'll give thefe to the flames, I'll alk him to give them to my flame, pretty Nan. If ihe gets this here cap upon her pate, and our lady miftrefs was to come ftalking in with a candle in her dead hand Re-enter Mrs. COCLETOP, ivitb a candle. And then fays Nan, with a trembling voice- " Who's there." (Not -perceiving her] Mrs. Ccc. Don't be afraid, Joey, it's only me. Joey. Marcy on us ! (trembling} Mrs. Coc. Heavens ! who has pull'd my things gbout in this way. {feeing them) 35* MODERN ANTIQUES ; Joey. Now the Devil was in our Mailer that he could not let'n bide (afide) I thought we fhould have her up. Mrs. Coc. Who did it ? Joey. Will it quiet your poor foul ? (folemnly and frightened) Mrs. Coc. Bid Nan make hafte down to me. Joey. Then (he's, (points down} Ah, thofe ladies Jead luch rory tory lives, (afide) Mrs. Coc. Nan ! (calling) Joey. Don't hurt Nan, I'll go for the parfon. [Exit terrified. Mrs. Coc. Parfon ! then my intentions to marry Frank are already known among the fervants. Enter NAN O with 'various Antiquities, ivbicb Jhe lays on the table. Nan. Here, ma'am I've got a rare bundle of Antiqui-quackities Lord Lord Ma'am, what could bewitch our matter to heap up fuch a ftock of lumber ? Mrs. Coc. Rubbifh indeed ! A neft of moths and fpiders Ah 1 let them be all thrown out ; but I'll fee how Flounce dare to let my room be ranfack'd in this manner. [Exit in a pfijjlon. Nan. The fkin of fome foreign bead I fup- pofe Something rich here- (looks in a box) Nothing but filthy old rags, he, he, he ! If our dead meafter's picture don't fcem as if ic was looking down directly at me. (Looking at a portrait over the chimney) Tho' grand, this is a very difmal room. Enter OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 359 Enter COCKLETOP. CDC. Belinda here in. the boufe ! Iv'e told Hearty to inform her of my intentions to marry her, and I'll compliment mv deceafed wife with a Cedar Coffin. Now mull I promote her drefllng room to the honor of being the Treafury of my Antiques, I with Hearty wou'd come to help me to remove my precious Hh ! they are removed. (Seeing them} Nan. How Mailer's mind when he was alive did run upon thefe fhabby Gimcracks. Oh ! he cou'd not have priz'd it fo much for nothing No, no, he had fomething good. Your odd old people are fond of hiding money in holes and corners; lud 1 if here isn't (rattling a Jmall box) Ay, don't you look down fo Iharp at me, for I will have a peep thou I get a dead mar.'s 'pinch. (As jbes opening the box Cock let op finches her ear $ Jke turns, fees Cockle f of t Jhrieks and runs of) Ccc. A moft facriligious petticoat thief ! [Exit after her. SCENE IV ; and lajl. Mother Apartment, a Tails covered with a Green Cloth. Enter JOEY, with a Candle, (terrified) Joey. I've left the paribr* in the room (Jiarts frightened} who's here ? But he infills it be a- Id m after that's dead, the good gentleman that juft now with me for madam's death cried fo fine, all 360 MODERN ANTIQUES ; all alive and merry j but this ftupid minifter won'd believe it, fo, if he meets her there, and her fpirit's ftill dilturb'd abouc her rumplified caps, fhe'll claw him for certain. I know nought where matter's got, and the farvants feem all run td hide can't find Nan, I wou'd we were both fafe again in the country. Well, I've fav'd this drop of cordial. Who's you ? Heaven defend us ! Oh, (he is come again ! I have no hope now but my bottle and this table. (Puts out the light, gets behind, and then under tbe table.) Enter MRS. COCKLETOP. Mrs. Coc. Frank! this is the room I defired Mrs. Camomile to bid him meet me in, and here he comes this way Frank, (calling of in a lo\sj voice) I'm glad there's no light tho', to difcover my bluihes, at the open declaration I muft mak him. Enter COCKLETOP. Coc. As dark as an Egyptian Catacomb Be- linda venturing to town muft be on the report of her aunts death, and if Hearty has told her I'll fpeak to her, here- Mrs. Coc. Are you there ? (in an under tone) Coc. Yes, 'tis ihe, I wifli we had a light, where are you ? (in a IQW voice) Mrs. CM. Eh 1 When I bury Mr. Cockletop CDC. Bury me ! (afide) No my dear it's for you I'm to make a mummy uf Mrs. Cockletop Mrs. Coc. OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS; 361 Mrs. Coc. Make mummy of me ! is it Frank ? Coc. No, my love, I'm your own Cofey Cockletop. Mrs. Coc. Angels and minifters ! it's the ghoft of my hufband come to upbraid me. Oh, much wrong'd fpoufe ! Coc. Spoufe ! it's the fpirit of my wife Oh, Lord ! oh, great injured goblin ! (/ hey fall on their knees oppofite fides) Joey. (From under the table) Here's the parfon ftriving to lay my miftrefs, but fhe'll furely tear his head off. Eh ! why ! it's my poor dear mafler! Help! Murder! Enter MRS. CAMOMILE, BELINDA, FRANK, and HEARTY. Mrs. Cam. Eh ! what's the matter here ? Joey. My Lady's ghoft tearing auld Mafter to pieces, (rifmg haftily, overfets the table and runs off) Mrs Coc. Mr. Cockletop alive ! Coc. My wife not dead ! Frank. Uncle, you promifed that when proved to be deceived in antiquities, Belinda fhould be mine, (/peaks in his feigned voice) Now, Zur, befides the fifty pounds, give her to poor Taun- ton Dean. Ccc. Was't you ? Take her. I was a wife man, till my brain got love coddled ; fo, my dear, let's forgive Frank and Belinda, and for- get our own follies. Hearty. Ay, Sir, and transfer our paffion for ancient virtu, to the encouragement of mo- dern genius. Had not Rome a.id Athens che- rifti'd the arts of their times, they'd have left no antiquities now for us to admire. VOL. i. 3 A Bel. 3 6z MODERN ANTIQUES, &c. Bel. Why rake for Gems the afhes of the dead, And fee the living Artift pine for bread. Frank. Give, While you live : Heirs who find cafh in corners, Will at your funeral make right Mer- ry Mourners. THE END. SPRIGS OF LAUREL, IN TV/0 ACTS. PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN, IN 1793. THE MUSIC BY MR, SHIILB. D E D I C A T I N. To Her Moft Excellent Maiejty the QUEEN. AS a fmall tribute of congratulation on the patriotic ardour difplayed by her Majefty's Illuftrious Son, His Royal Highnefs Frederick Duke of York, the early and brilliant example he has fet to the Britifh Troops of Military (kill, bravery and Humanity, evincing that he will prove the Defender of his Country ; This Opera is with all poflible humility laid at her feet, by her Majefty's faithful fervant, and Dutiful Subject, The AUTHOR. Brompton, April the 6th 1793. DRAMATIS PERSONS. Captain Cruiser, Mr. POWELL," Major Tadic, Mr. DAVIS. Lenox, Mr. JOHNSTON*. Sinclair, Mr. INCLEDON, Georg Streamer, Mrs, MARTYR. Corporal Squib, Mr. DARLEY. Nipperkin, .'. Mr. MUMDEW. Mary, Mrs. CLENDININ*, SCENE, London and Greenwich* SPRIGS OF LAUREL, A C T . /. SCENE I. A Chamber at an Inn. Enter CAPTAIN CRUIZER, and NIPPERKIN. CAPTAIN.- JLEAVE my infant in a bafket at a gentleman's door, you villain ! when 1 ordered that your wife mou'd bring it up with care and tender- nefs. Nip. Why, Sir, when my wife faid it was my infant, and wou'dn't take charge of it what was a poor honeft peace-loving hufband to do ? Capt. Well ; come, your intelligence ? Nip. The babe was taken in, and chriften'd Tommy Jones the gentleman of the houfe in- tended to do well by it ; but being given to play, died iniolventj his family went to ruin, and poor 3 68 SPRIGS OF LAUREL. poor Tommy to the parifh the lazy overfeers farm'd the workhoufe to the village butcher, who, to feed his calves, ftarved the children here, like a young negro, he got hard work, many blows, and no learning. Capt. And from this mifery, a cnaritable tradefman took him 'prentice. Nip. Yes, Sir ; ferved out his time with ho- nor ; but his fpirit too noble for a mechanic, he lifted, and is this moment a gentleman common foldier in the foot-guards. Capt. But how to find him out ? Nip. In my fearch I got acquainted with two honeft foldier lads Ned Lenox and Jack Sin- clair, and they're to bring me among th'e reft- the ferjeant- major Tactic, that has got the pret- ty daughter, may know. I'll run a hum upon him. (afide) Capt. Nipperkin, you were my fervant twen- ty years back ; but fince that, you've been fuch a variety of rafcal, there's no trufting you now. Nip. I want no trull give me a ready gui- nea. Capt. To get drunk and neglect this bufinefs ! -no, difcover my poor loll fon, and you fhall have a hundred, to fettle you in a farm, Uriah, John! (calls) Enter a Servant izith cam, hat andfasrd. I muft get off to Greenwich, ready to receive the Duke, (going) Nip. But, Sir, I intend this evening vifiting my old father at Chelfca A little comfort for the honeft foul. (holds out his hand} Qapt. Chelfea, oh, your father's a penfioner ! well. SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 369 Well, there, (gives money) But ufe every endea- vour to find the boy, mind. [Exit. Nip. You fliall fettle on me one hundred a year or find the boy yovirfelf. Lucky, that ftill keeping an eye to the lad's progrefs through life, I've this pull upon my old mafter Till he bids more I'll not bring father and fon together now got loofe from my wife, I'll make a good ufe of my time -fince I'm come to London, I'll drink like a foul, and divert myfelf with the girls j if not, I'd be a man in a thoufand i AIR; Nifferkin. Shew me a Lawyer refufmg a good fee, Or pious Dean not thinking of a Bifliop's fee, A Doctor who won't fqueeze fick Ladies by the hand, 'Potticary whom his fcrawl can well underftand, Dancing-mafter objeft to dancing off with Mifs, A Methodiit Preacher not in a corner kifs. Young Enfign not proud of his flamy larg-e cockade, Or true Britifli Tar, who of Dutchman is afraid- Parliament Eleftor, who never fold his vote, Parliament Orator, who will not turn his coat, And that is a man of a thoufand. II. Shew me a Right Honorable keeping to his word, Or a poor poet patroniz'd by a Lord, An impudent Sharper cloathed ail in rags, Or modeft Genius counting o'er his money-bags, A Church- ward en who fcorns to feaft upon the poor, Fat Alderman who cannot calipam endure, A Groom too honeft to rob horfes of their corn, Wife Cuckold who blufhes to wear a gilded horn, Sportfman mind galloping over wheat or ftubble, Or Secretary of State take nothing for his trouble, And that is a man in a thoufand. [Exit. VOL. i. 3 B SQENE 3?o SPRIGS OF LAUREL, SCENE II. The Green Park. Enter SINCLAIR. Sin. rieafant enough, on our march from \Vindfor, Lenox flipping a note into my hand, the inftant I gave him one ; but what fays his. (reads) " Dear Sinclair, as foon as off guard, " walk into the park, I want to fpeak with you " on particular bufinefs." Almoft the very words of mine to him ; he's my friend ; I'll afk his advice before I determine to marry Marry. Determine ! oh, my heart ! AIR .Sinclair. When night, and left Upon my guard, Nor whifp'ring breeze, nor leaf is heard. And ftars between clofe branches peep, And birds are}hum'd in downy fleep, My foul to foftefl thoughts refign'd, And lovely Mary, fills my mind. At every noife, for bluff " Who's there !" I gently figh, " is't thou, my fair? Thy dying foldier hafte and fee, Oh come, fweet Mary, come to me%" As on my port, thro' blaze of day, The wretched, happy, fad and gay In quick fucceffion move along, I fee, nor hear the paffing throng ; My foul fo wrapt in Mary's charms, 1 hug my mufket in my arms. ' So, all of paffion, joy and grief, When comrades bring the glad relief, I cry thy foldier, hafte and fee, Oh come, fweet Mary, come to me I Znttr SPRIGS OF LAUREL, 37 f Enter LENOX. Len. (reading a note) IC I've a great deal to fay to you" and I've a great deal to fay to him Oh ! he's here Well, Sinclair, what's this affair ? Sin. Nay, what's your's with me. Len. Come, you tell firft. Sin. No, no -, you, let's hear. Len. Not a word from me till you Sin. I'm determin'd that you fiiall come I'll pot fpeak Len. Now I beg you'll Both. Then you muft'know, ha, ha, ha ! Len. Why, we're like people in the ftreet giving each other the way ; but here I flop, and now you pafs on. Sin. Then, Ned, "of all the girls in our town," to me there's none like Mary Tactic. . Len. Why, I think file's a mod charming pretty foul. Sin. Ay, and I love her. Len. I know / love her. Sin. Oh, you muft miftake j it's I that adore her. Len. Upon my word you're wrong ; for I'm the man that wou'd die for her. Sin. That's as much as to fay you'd fight for her. Len. Any man but you. Sin. Why, Lenox, I fhou'dn't like to fight you. Len. But any other, I didn't mind how great. Aye, even the corporal. Sin. Any fellow that dar'd to think of Mary. Len,. Do you call me fellow, Jack ? 3 B z 37* SPRIGS OF LAUREL, Sin. Yes, you're a good fellow. Len. Was it to tell me that you loved Mary Ta&ic, that you defired me to meet you ? Sin. Was your only bufinefs but to let me know you lov'd her ? Both. It was. DUET. Sinclair and Lenox. Len, I like each girl that I come near, Tho' none I love but Mary ; Oh, fhe's my darling, only dear Bewitching little fairy. I aflc a kifs, and me looks down, Her cheeks are fpread with blumes, By Jove, fays I, I'll take the town, Me back me gently pumes I like each girl, 9, $in. When off 'twas blown, and 'twas my place To fly for Mary's bonnet, So charming look'd her lovely face, There I flood gazing on it. Drefs'd all in white me tripp'd from home, And fet my blood a thrilling, Q, zounds ! fays I, the French are come, Sweet Mary look'd fo killing. I like each girl, &c ten. When to our Colonel at review A Dutchefs cried, fo airy ! " How does your Royal Highnefs do?" Says I, " 1 thank you, Mary." $in. TO quick time, marching t'other day, Our fifes play'd Andrew Gary, To every girl I gave the way, In compliment to Mary. I like each girl, &c< Sin. I've a greater regard for you than for all the men in our regiment put together. ten* SPRIGS OF LAUREL, jy, ten, I always thought you my friend, and I'm certain I'm your's Let us leave it to Mary's own choice. Sin. Why, true ; it's a pity to teize a young woman that can never love one. Len. And it's foolifli and ill-natured to ftand in the way of another man's happinefs, when we can't forward our own by it. Sin. Here flie comes j let's, afk her in down- right Englifh. &n. Done. [They retire* Enter MARY. AIR. Mary. Oh, come away, Come, my foldier bonny ; I am fmart and gay, But for handfome Johnny. Enfign pretty doll, Crimfon fam fo wrapt in ; Minces, " charming Poll, ft Can you love a Captain ?" Oh, come away, Sec, To his fine marque, At the camp, laft fummer, He fent for me to tea, By the little drummer. Oh, come away, &c. As I crofs parade, Officers ftand blinking ; Under each cockade, {Sly, an eye cocks winking. Oh, come away, &Q, Johnny fteps in time, Sweetly plays the hautboy ; Hearts all merry chime, and beat the foe, boy. Oh, come away, &c Oh, 374 SPRIGS OF LAUREL. Oh, Sinclair, did you fee my father ? Is that Lenox ? Len. (apart to Sinclair) A Ik her. Sin. No, do you ? (apart) Len. Mary, you know very well, that I think you a moft charming girl. Mary. Well, that's no fault of mine: Len. No, its no fault for to befure you can't help being the fweeteft foul you're fure Mary, J love you ; but here's Jack Sinclair fays he does. Mary. Oh yes ; he told me fo. Len. Well ; but didn't I tell you I lov'd you ? Mary. Well, and if you do, you can't help that, you know. Len. We don't want to quarrel,, becaufe that woudn't be friendly. Sin. No ; twoudn't be like brother foldiers ; fo yourfelf confefs which of us you love. Len. Ay, do, Mary, your word (hall decide it. Mary. Which of you I love ! Upon my ho- nour that's very vain of you both a pretty decent fort of a confeflion too for a girl to make ; but certainly was I to marry, I muft chufe only one. Len. Ah, but, Mary, wou'd you chufe one of us ? Mary. Indeed I wou'd. , Len. Sweet girl, but which ? Sin, Ay, which, Mary ? Mary. Well, I will own it, if you'll both pro- mife not go fight fword and piftol up in Hyde Park, as the officers do. Sin. If you chufe Ned Lenox, may I be whip'd if I wi(h him the leaft ill-will. Len. And, my lovely Mary, if you prefer Jack Sinclair to me, if I ever bear him a grudge for it, may I be drum'd out of the regiment SPRIGS OF LAUREL; 375 Mary. Heigho ! it's a fevere tafk, but AIR. Mary. When in a garden fweet I walk, The charming flowers admiring, Each nods upon its tender ftalk, And feems my touch defiring, Tho' all of beauties are poffefs'd, Too much to be rejefted, Yet only one, for Mary's breaft, By fancy is fele$ed. Full confcious of thy faith and tr*th, (to Lenox) No wrong to thee intended, Ah ! mould 1 chufe fome other youth, ( giving her hand to Sinclair) Be not fond youth, offended. (to Lenox) The ftarting tear, the heaving figh, True figns, not difregarded ; But, by a maid more fair than I. Oh, be thy love rewarded. Len. (cordially Jhakes hands with Sinclair) My dear fellow, I give you joy. (turns and wipes his eyes) Sin. Was it any thing elfe but Mary, I cou'd poor Lenox ! Enter NIPPER KIN, fmging. Nip. Ah, boys! Jack Sinclair, Ned Lenox, come from duty at Windfor ? Rare changes fmce you were laft on the parade ! (Drum without. ) Len. The roll-cal}. (looking out) TRIO, $rf SPRIGS OF LAUREL. TRIO. Lenox, Sinclair 9 and Mary * Len. Tap beats the dub upon my aching heart, Six. Sad ftrikes the found that bids me hence depart ; Len. Ah! can I from vou Hay ? Six. One kifs and then away. Maty. Go to your duty, go. [Exeiott Sinclair and Lenox, Mary. Is that to mutter the men ? For what ? Nip. For what ! Why, to draught out a de- tachment for Holland. Mary. And do Sinclair and Lenox go ? Nip- To be fure, if fo their lot be. Mary. Oh heavens ! [Exit bo/lily. Enter Serjeant Mtijor TACTIC. Tac. (calling off) Mary ! Ay, off to the parade ! I fee my daughter will have a foldier you, Sir, run after that girl. Nip. I'm a married man j and mus'nt run after the girls. Tac. Whatj then you're married ? Nip. Yes, Sir, and fo is my wife, a poor wo- man, Sir I'm not worth quite a plumb, might have made my fortune by marriage, I have had my opportunities among the dear creatures. I'll fee if his majorfhip won't ftand a glafs of (tout punch (afide ) Sir, I want to go abroad* Tac. Why? Nip. Becaufe, I don't want to (lay at home I've left my wife there. Tac. Where? Nip. Why death and ounds ! at Dorking in Surry. - Tac. What do you fwear fo, you rafcal ! Nip. SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 377 Nip. To mew you I'm fit for a foldier. Tac. But what are you now ? Nip. Nothing; tho' I was every thing an Au&ion-porter, Watchman, Town-crier, Mon- mouth-ftreet Pluck-em-in, Playhoufe Conftable, Dog-ftealer High and low Life, Sir, from Guard of a Stage-coach, to Waiter in a Cyder- cellar, my days have been a round of " paft ten o'clock"-^" juft a going" " nobody bid more'* 4C oh yes," " this is to give notice*' " pray walk in" handfome fuit of clothes, fit you nicely" " take care of your pockets'' (wbifilii) " here, boy! poor fellow! Ponto, Ponto" "your pint, Sir -champaign, cackagay !" [imitates blowing a horn.'] Tac. So then, friend, you've come off from your wife to turn foldier ? Nip. Why, Sir, (he vex'd me into fuch a paffion, that I muft beat fomebody ; fo I thought it more honourable to flog the enemies of my country, than the wife of my bofom. Tac. But how did me vex you ? Nip. Sir, I love a drop of ale 't'other day, we had a mug me puts it to her head ; " my dear," fays I, " flop, the devil is painted at th r bottom, and 'twill frighten you if you look on-t fays fiie " I defy the devil and all his works,'* and up (he puts it * hold my love," fays I, * 6 you're a bit of a democrat, and it's his Ma- jefty that's painted at the bottom" " no," fays fhe, " I'm a loyal fubjecl:, and I long to fee the .King's jolly face" So again up went the jug, and the devil a drop (he left in it tor me. Tac. Ha, ha, ha! what's your name. Nip. Nipperkin. Mr. Nippeikm, Sir. VOL. i, 3 c Tac. 37* SPRIGS OF LAUREL. fac. Then Mr. Nipperkin we'll fee if we can't make a foldier of you. Nip. Oh, Sir, that's as eafy as making an at- torney a rogue, or make this a ftrong arm, when its already at hand make a foldier ! hem ! Sir, you do the exercife capital I fuppofe, he, he, he ! fhew us a bit wheel ! to the right ! flop, Sir, till I chalk your arm. Tac. Why do you think I don't know my right from my left ? Nip* Do you ? (gravely) huzza! the ferjeant major, knows his right hand from his left (capers, halloes and waves his hat.'} Tac. Why, you dog, are you humming me ? Nip. Yes, Sir. DUET. Taffic and Nipperkin. Tac. March ! before great Juftice Laro. Nip. Death and ounds ! am I arrefted ? Tac. Sblood ! don't fear, my little hero, 'Tis only to be attefted. Nip. Oh t what then I muft take an oath ? Here goes; I fwear by Jingo, I'll not turn foldier, till we both Together tipple ftingo. Tac. With all my heart, We'll take a quart. Nip. Or bowl of punch. Sotb. That's better. Kip. But firft a flice Of ham fo nice, For I approve a whetter. Both. For I approve a whetter. Tac. Vou have but to fail o'er to Holland d'ye fee. And the French kick back to their nation ; Theii the Emperor, Stadtholder, Pope, you and me, Will fit down to a jolly-fication ; Nip. I'm tir'd of kiffing old Judy, my wife, I muft have a pair of new lips, So, when I'm in Holland, upon my life, I'll be at their fine Dutch tulips. JM*. SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 379 toils. Then we have but to fail, o'er to Holland d'ye fee, And the French kick back to their nation ; Then the Emperor, Stadtholder, Pope, you and me, Will fit down to a jolly-fication. [Exeuyf. SCENE III, The Parade in St. James's Park. Enter MARY. Mary. No, I can't fee any one to give me a true account how they go on. Enter LENOX, (much agitated.) Oh, well, Lenox, and how ? ay, tell us. Len. My unlucky fate ! curfed chance. Mary. Oh ! then you are one of them that's drafted to go abroad in alt thefe dangers. Len. And, Mary, do you think its that, that could have vex'd me fo ? I fee what a mean opi- nion you have of me T now don't wonder at your preferring Jack Sinclair to me you think I'm a cowardly poltroon. Mary. No, indeed, Lenox : I know you've a very good fpirit I didn't mean to difparage you ; but 1 tremble to think of the dreadful flaughter thofe poor fellows may be expofed to. Len. Dreadful ! Isn't it glory ? 3 c 2 AIR. SPRIGS OF LAUREL. AIR. Lenox. Afpiring thoughts my bread expand, Ah ! why to me is given a foul, Proudly impatient of command, Yet doom'd by fate to bear controul ; Oft at the haughty ferjeant's will, ' A poor recruit at chilling mcrn, I've flood for hours the tedious drill, Sad objeft of his blows and fcorn. IT. Nor funk my youthful fpirits then. Tho* fierce he poiz'd the dread I thus, when taught to conquer men, Supprefs'd the feelings of a man ; And now the harveft's warring pride, When Englith triumph, Frenchmen yield, A ufelefs tool I'm thrown afide, Whilft others reap the glorious field. "Enter SINCLAIR. Sin. Oh, my Polly! we muft part. Mary. How ! Sin. The lot is caft, and I'm call'd away I inuft leave you. Mary. And can you ? Oh my love ! Len. What then, 'you go ? you have the up- per hand of me in every thing. I muft fneak about here in the park, like a watchman my marches fiom Story's gate to the ftable yard, and all my war's with the old women to takeoff their pattens ; whilft you, led on by your Prince I fhall go diftracled ! Sin. You've little caufe to envy me reflecl, I leave Mary, 1 leave her with you too my rival with SPRIGS OF LAUREL; 3 8j with you, that love, that deferve her fo much better than myfelf. Enter NIPPERKIN and TACTIC. Tac. Not 'lift you rafcal ! after fwallowing a bowl of punch ? Nip. My dear Sir, don't be in a pafiioo I Jiave my reafons for both. Tac. Your reafons, you rafcal Nip. Death and ounds, Sir, don't fwear but my reafoii that I wou'dn't turn foldier, is becaufe I hate fighting ; and I drank up the punch becaufe I love drinking, that fhews that I'm both a fafe and a good companion. lac. You're an arch rafcal, and I don't know what to make of you ? Nip. Then I'll tell you what you'd beft do, Sir. Vac. What ! Nip. Give me another bowl, Sir, and let me alone. Tac. Come, Sinclair, quick you've but little time to prepare your knapfack. Mary, (with emotion) Dear father muft he go? Tac. To be fure. Nip. Oh, certainly : he muft go and protect us all. Egad, I'm like a minifter of ftate ; whilft I fit at peace at home over my bottle, I fend other men out to fight that 1 may enjoy it in com- fort. Tac. Mary, Sinclair and Lenox are honeft lads I know they both love you ; but as the mifery or happinefs of marriage will chiefly affedr. you, I leave the chhice of a hufband entirely to yourfelf, s?2 SPRIGS OF LAUREL: yourfelf, my girl. If Lenox is the man, love favours him ; but if Sinclair, what he lofes in love, he muft make up in honor give him a kifs, and a few of my beft ruffled (hirts $ drop a tear, and that affair's fettled. Sin. Farewell (to Lenox) adieu ! (to Mary.) Mary. Oh ! my heart will break ! deareft fa- ther, can't you get him off? Tac. Child, 1 wifli him too well even to attempt it. Lcn. Jack, don't think me a worthlefs fellow, tho' I am ihov'd afide, and you chofen for the poft of honor 'tis only blind fortune has done it ; for had me fix'd on me, Sin. My love, befides your conftancy, I rely on the generofity of Lenox ; in my abfence, don't avoid him i it will be my only comfort to reflect, that I have in England a faithful fweet- hearr, and a true friend. jV//>. Hem; (fags) " My Poll and my Part- ner Joe." (looks archly and fignificantly at Lenox and Mary.} Mary. I don't know who you are ; but you are a very impudent fellow. Nip. Dont know who I am and yet know I'm a very impudent fellow. [Drum without. Rub-a-dub, boys, hey, for Holland ! DUET. Sinclair and Mary. Mary. Dear youth, keep this for Mary's fake ; Sin. Sweet maid this poor remembrance take ; When rivals tender things fliall fay, (77jey exchange Tokens') Oh, look on that and turn away ! Mary. Should rivals win thy 'witching fmile, Think what thy Mary feels the while. Sin. SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 383 Sin. When bullets whittle in the wind, My only fear, My only dear, Is for my treafure left behind. Mary. Midft warring fields may angels come, And o'er thy head Their pinions fpread, Then bring my love in fafety home. Enter Officers, Soldiers, &c. as -prepared for the March A Variety of other Characters taking Leave. GRAND CHORUS. Our Gracions George, and Charlotte's Son, 'Tis Royal Frederic leads us on. AIR. #Ww. Britannia fell a mower of piteous tears To fee, (alas!) an haplefs Monarch bleed; The Royal Widow's mournful plaint me hears, And bids her gen'rous fons revenge the cruel deed. CHORUS. To arms, me cries, to fave, is now the word, And 'tis the hand of Mercy draws the fword. Our Gracious George, and Charlotte's Son, 'Tis Royal Frederic leads us on. END OF THE FIRST ACT, 384 SPRIGS OF LAUREL. ACT II. SCENE I. Night. The Park near Buckingham Houfe LENOX dlfcovered as Centlnel, LENOX. JlLVERY circumftance turns out fo contrary to what might have made my friend Sinclair happy, and perhaps banifh for a time the thoughts of Mary from my mind. Since I've no place in Mary's affections, what's in England worth a thought? I burn, I'm mad with defire to fol- low the Duke, To be left ftuck up here like a lamp-poft, with an ufelefs mufket in my hand I've a mind to put it to ufe (placing it tc bis bead) but my life's not my own. For all Sinclair bid me fee Mary, what now muft he feel, on the reflection that he's left her behind with me ? Tho* I fcorn to take advantage of his abfencc I'll avoid the fight of her. AIR. SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 1*$ AIR. Lenox. The Lamp of Hope by rays of Light, From thy dear Cyes was fed Mary ; Sad hours are come, and fhades of night* And even hope is fled Mary. The Sun to all the world but me, Will give another dawn Mary ; My orily light kind looks from thee, For ever they're withdrawn Mary/ I lov'd thee much and for thy fake, I ne'er will love again Mary ; If ever yet a heart did break, Thou'tt rent this heart in t' wain Mary. In wild defpair I'll fly to fame, And death for thee defy Mary ; When I'm no more, thy true love's name, May draw from thee a figh Mary. Enter NIPPERKIN, (drunk,) with afniall 'Keg. Nip. Tol, lol, lol ! Now, if I can get out thro' this fame Buckingham Gate Len. Who goes there ? Nip. Brandy (holding up the keg) Len. You'd better give ah anfwer. Nip. To what ? Len. To me. Nip. Your queftion ? ' Len. I afk'd who went tfierfe. Nip. Then you afk'd a very filly queftien, when you might fee it was a brave boyHuzza! the town's our own ! Len. Damn your trifling I Give, this inftant, a proper anfwer, or I'll fire, .(prefenting) Nip. (drops en bis knees) Hold ! be quiet. Is that your politenefs? Juft under the very eye of VOL, r. 30 the 3 86 SPRIGS OF LAUREL. the Court? Fire! and. wake the maids of honour fweet creatures ! that may now be dreaming of the lords in waiting, and white rod, and gold Hick, and fuch other grand affairs. Lea. I'm in no jefting humour Quick, fpeak! Nip. S'blood ! are you deaf ? I'm fpeaking as quick as I can. Stop ! your firing will be petty treafon Her Majefty may be at this moment in a fweet dream, that one of her beloved fons, her gallant Frederic, is returning crown'd with Laurels. Lett. And I no hand in placing them on his brow ! By heavens I'll not ftay I'll follow the detachment^ tho' they moot me for a deferter. Hold ! this fellow may why, it's Nipperkin ! Nip. Didn't I tell you it was a brave boy ; yet you wou'dn't believe me after getting fo nobly drunk, to frighten me back into fobriety ! and fo I've now all to do over again. Why, you don't mind what trouble you give a poor man. (knocks with bis knuckles a^ainfl the keg) Are you within ? Very well I'll be with you, or you lhall be with me. Len. Where were you going ? Nip. To the college. My father is a Chelfea penfioner j and about once a quarter, like a du- tiful foh, I bring the honeft gentleman, a little brandy and tobacco, and fuch other dainties, to comfort his old foul. Len. You're right to be kind to your father Give me your coat. Nip. "Kind to my father!" Give me your coat!" That's very odd talk at this time of night. 6i>RIGS OF LAUREL. 387 Len. You take this Quick! (they change deaths') Nip. I fancy I look better in the King's coat than the King wou'd look in mine. Len. Give' me your hat. Nip. Sir, take your's off the block, (feinting to Lenox's head, and bowing) Len. (gives him his miijket) There j now ftand you in my place. Nip. Did ever I think I fhou'd have a place at Court ? " Who goes there ?" (prefents at Lenox} Speak, or dam'me, I'll fire ! Pm in no jetting humour talk ! or I'll blow your brains over the canal, thro' the Horfe-Guards, crofs the way to Whitehall, into the lottery-wheels. Len. Silence! (aftde) The royal and affec- ionate parents fend a darling fon to face the pe- rils of war, to aflert his country's honour ! What Soldier wou'dn't follow the illuftrious example. Hulh ! not a word. [Ex if ivilh caution. Nip. Now that fellow's gone to commit a robbery in my coat, and I fh^ll get hang'd for it : The gate's fliut, and I can't get out to give my poor father his drop Then I muft give it to his poor fon. (takes up the keg and drinks) I'll fmoke a pipe too. (Jits on the keg) Well, he didn't take my match, and my bottle of phof- phorus. (takes a, pipe, Jills, lights, fits on tb& keg and Jmokes) It my wife was here now, I ihou'dn't have all this fporc to myfelf. (rifes> takes up Use keg and drinks') My chair produces good taDle drink. 3 D 2 AIR. SPRIGS OF LAUREL; AIR. A glafs is good, and a lafs is good, And a pipe to fmoke in cold weather ; The world is good, and the people are gocdj And we're al! good fellows together. ' A bottle it is a very good thing, With a good deal of good wine in it; A fong is good, when a .body can fing, And to finifh, we mult begin it, A table is good, when fpread with good chear^ And good company fitting round it; When a good way off, we're not very near, And for forrow the devil confound it. A glafs is good, &c* A friend is good, when you're out of good luck For that's a good time to try him For a Juftice good, the haunch of a buck, With fuch a good prefent you buy him. A fine old woman is good when (he's dead, A rogue very good for good hanging, A fool is good, by thenole to be led, My good fong defervcs a good banging. A glafs is good, &c But it's getting cool here, il frefco. I'll ftr p in- to my parlour, {takes up the keg^ and goes into the centry-boX) Jits and fails a/leef] Enter MARY. Mary. As my dear lover faid, there can't be the leaft danger in paying fome attention to poor Lenox \vhilft he's away. He took on fo at my refuting him, and the lofs of his comrade, that 1 know he hasn't eat a moriel this blellcd day. He SPRIGS OF LAUREL: ^ He has a tender and an honeft heart, and fare no harm for me to try if I can comfort him. The Park's got fo ftill, he may eat and drink fome'at, as I'm fare he wo'nc come to me when he's reliev'd. Lenox ! (goes towards the box^ cal- ling foftly) Oh, my hew* ns ! if he hasn't fallen afleep, and here's the corporal coming ! (looking down the walk) If he's caught fo Lenox! (calls) Nip. (Jpeaking in his flee f] Take care of your pockets. Mary. Get up. Nip. Paft four o'clock ! Mary. Sure he's been drinking to drive away bis forrows. Rife! Here's the guard! Nip. Pray walk in, Sir I've a pretty coat will juft fit you. Enter COR FOR AL, and Guards. Cor. Eh ! Sleep on your poft ! Holloa ! gentry ! here'll be rare flogging workj take his arms ! drag him up ! Nip. Fine cloudy morning ! Cor. Ay, dam'me, it will be a fine cloudy looming with you, peeping through the iron bars of the Savoy. Mary. Dear Mr. Corporal Cor. Is that Mifs Mary Taftic ? Mary- You know Lenox is a good folditr, and fhould be excufed if he's a bit over taken, confider, taking leave of his comrades j you know he's fo well belov'd, and fuch a temptation then his fpirits in fuchaflate, a very little liquor might have intoxicated 390 SPRIGS OF LAUREL. Nip. (ajleep} That dogfkin will make a pair of pumps. Cor. My fldn ! You'll fee what the drummer will make of your dogfkin. Mary. Pray, don't inform the commanding officer. Cor. Why, Mifs Mary, you know it's not in my power to fave him, if, as you iay, he's brought to court- martial for this. Mary. His Royal Highnefsis good and merci- ful ; I'm fure he'd confider fo excellent a foldier as Lenox Now do let the poor fellow come to his fenfes, and fay nothing of it. Cor. But then I fhou'd be punifhed my- felf, Mifs -Muft give him up take him to the Savoy. Mary. Unhappy creature! and yet I'm afhamed of Lenox. However, I'll make my father ufe all his in.ereft for his pardon. How have I been deceived in him ! and how fortunate that my heart wasn't caught by his kind and obliging manneis. He lov'd me- he is Sinclair's friend, and therefore has a right to my afMance. l&tit. Cor. Why, he wou'd ftand a better chance of mercy from his Royal Highnefs- his fentence here might be death. I'll pretend not to know but he's one of the drafts that has flaid behind; and to colour it, I'll neither fee nor talk to him ; but at day-break, a guard fhall take him to Greenwich time enough before the men embark. CATCH. SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 39 1 CATCH. CORPORAL, NIPPERKIN, and Soldiers. Citp. Rare rattling boys, don't let your pris'ner go I defire, For fudling fouls, the Savoy ho 1 frfp. I'm Captain Muz. {All} Are you fo ? Corp. Hark, ye, 'iquire ! I'm Corporal Squib, i. I'm Fife* Bob, z. I'm Drummer Dob, 3. I'm Natty Jack, 4. I'm Paddy Whack, 5. I'm Darby Drill 6. I'm Roving Will, 7. I'm Nimble Nick, 8. I'm a Good ftick, 9. I'm Devil Dick. ---Zounds ! what's your name? Nip. Paft four o'clock ! ---(^//) We'll make you tame ! S'blood and fire ! Corp. Drink, foldiers, drink, and bear no blame. SCENE II. Greenwich. Enter LENOX in NIPPER KIN'S deaths, and Caff. CRUIZER. Caff. No fuch thing friend. Len. Do, dear, good, worthy fir, let me go on board your tender. Capt. But for what? Len. To partake of the glorious expedition of my comrades. Caff. 39* SPRIGS OF LAUREL; Capf. Your comrades ! Ay, what, are you a foldicr ? Len. (confufed)^cs, fir no I am > Capf. If a foldier, and not one of the drafted men, what brings you to Greenwich ? and if you belong to the detachment, why out of your regi- mentals, and not with your corps? Len. Sir, I am as yet, only in wifh a foldier- I faid " my comrades," becaufe I'm acquainted with a number of the men ; and I've conceived fuch a friendlhip for fome of the honeft fellows, that I can't turn my head to any bufinefs, with the giief of being feparated from them only let me go, and you'll fee how I'll fight. Cap. But do you know the caufe ? Len. Humanity. To flop the ravages of war abroad, fecure the blefiings of peace, commerce, plenty and happinefs at home to Old England, where a good King is the common parent- every man is captain of his caftle, and the laws protect his property, wife and children. Frenchmen give Britons freedom! But huzza! we'll pluck Sprigs of Laurel from their Tree of Liberty. AIR. Lenox. The goddefsof mountains, blythe, rofy and free, As the airs that flew round her, had once a fair tree ; 'Twas Liberty call'd, andafav'rite of Jove, And fweet was the fruit to the bright queen of Love j In Albion 'twas planted, its branches fpread wide^ Of her fbns arid her daughters the glory and pride. Tranquil pleafures, Softeft meafures, ( Then led the dance, and gave Britons to fing. Loving, loyal, Good and royal, People happy, honour'd their king, Gu|| SPRIGS OF LAUREL; m Our fly gallic neighbours peep'd into our grounds,, And fain would have fcal'd the white wall that furrounds, They long'd for our tree, when it's beauties were known, Butmifling their aim, would have one of their owa ; For this, in poor France, a vile bramble takes root, jpach leaf is a poniard, and bitter the fruit. Pity fleeping,1 Angels weeping, Saw the favage triumph o'er men ; Juftice firing, All infpiring ! Drive the tiger into his den. Capt. Well, my lad, I muft fay I admire your Ipirit, and am forry we can't take you ; but'un- difciplin'd recruits won't do. The nature of the fervice we're order'd on, requires pick'd men. Len. There's a boat now going off by hearens J will get aboard, [Exit hajliiy. Capt. By heavens you mall not tho' Holloa ! w-Stop that fellow keep him QUL of the boat. Enter SERJEANT. Ser. Sir, his Ryal Highnefs's aid-du-camp wou'd fpeak with you. Capt. I come. [Exit Serjeant. Something in this young fellow that ftrikes me ex- ceedingly (looks out) No the boat's gone without him, and there he walks melancholy away; and intimate with the foldiers! Might perhaps have given me fome clue to difcover my fon. I begin now to defpair; for if my boy is ftill in any of thofe regiments, he muft have chang'd yoi,. i. 3 E Re-enter 39 SPRIGS OF LAUREL, Re-enter SERJEANT, Ser. Sir Caff. Oh, true. [Exeunt t Enter MAHY, Mary. The coming fpring begins to make the country look delightful. The fweeteft feafon ap- proaching, even the birds join in love i\nd my love to leave me ! AIR. Mary, Sing, charming warblers ! voice of love J The dulcet fong Now pours along, For love can harmonize the grove, j Bid balmy zephyrs gently bear The liquid notes thro' yielding air. Re-enter CAPT. CRUJZER. Caft. Thofe men loiter along the road (looks OK/) Mary. Oh* your Honor, I hope his Highnefs isn't yet gone over tp the (hip ! Capt. Eh ! What, my lafs, do you 3 too, want to go and pull Sprigs of Laurel ? Mary. No, -fir: but it's about a young man, a foldier Capt. The devil's in the folders for bringing the women after them. You're a modeft, pretty looking thing you foolifh jade, what bufmcfs have you with the young men ? Take your fni- velling good-bye on ihore no petticoats come on SPRIGS OF LAUREL; 39$ on board my (hip. I advife you, child, to mo- defty and difcretion j for your own forwardnefs and 'folly contribute as often to the ruin of in- nocence, as the bafe arts of villainous feduflion. [*//. Mary. I believe that gentleman means ',well -, but he Ihou'd have known who he was talking to -and even then, fweet and welcome is the gentle monitor ! for what we liften to with pleafure, we follow with delight. I may chance to fee my Sinclair again before he goes I know he'll con- quer; and when he returns Oh! fuch a gar- land as I'll make him ! Aye, and he fhall wear it too. AIR. -Mary. Fragrant chaplets quaintly twinin- Thro' the fingers of the fair ; Ev'ry grace and fweet combining For the foldier's brow prepare. Gift of Venus, blufhing, glowing, Let the lovely rofe be feen; And the Laurel, Mars bellowing, Make the wreath an evergreen. Oh, if here isn't Sinclair and my father. Enter MAJOR TACTIC and SINCLAIR. Tac. Zounds! how often will they halt?-*- Sinclair ! Why do you run before the rank ? Sin. Don't you fee my attraction ? Oh ! my love ! (embraces Mary) . Tae. Mary ! NoWj girl, what has bewitched you to follow us ? 3 E 2 3^6 SPRIGS OF LAUREL. Sin. My lovely, faithful foul ! don't be angry with her. AIR. Sinclair. Parted from thee, my ev'ry blifs, My only joy, the parting k.i