THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD
ENDOWMENT FUND
THE
DRAMATIC WORKS
OF
JOHN O'KEEFFE, ESQ.
PUBLISHED UNDER THE GRACIOUS PATRONAGE
OF
HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS
THE PRINCE OF WALES.
PREPARED FOR TH PRESS BY THE AUTHOR*
IN FOUR VOLUMES,
VOL. I.
LONDON:
PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR, BY T. WOODFALL ;
AND SOLD BY
Meflirs. LONGMAN, ROBINSONS, DEBRETT, CADELL and
DAVIES, NICHOLI., PAYNE, EGERTON, WHITE, HOOK-
HAM and CAUPENTER, CAWTHORNE, BELL, London;
ARCHER, Dublin; CREECH, Edinburgh; MEYLER, Bath;
FLETCHER, Oxford; DEIGHTON, Cambridge; HUMPHREYS,
Chichefter; GREGORY, Brighton; MOTLEY, Portfmoutb j
GARDNER, Margate; c.
[ENTERED AT STATIONERS* HALL.']
1798.
HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS
THE PRINCE OF WALES,
JHLAVING, in the complacent be-
nevolence of his gracious difpofition,
condefcended to fignify his Approba-
tion of thefe Works, and his pleafure
that they might come into the world
tinder his Auguft Protection ; in
the hope that the degree of lenity
with which his Royal Highnefs has
been pleafed to regard them on the
Stage, will not be affedled by a look
over of them in the clolet (if fuch
humble productions, unaided by the
advan-
SS2047
17 DEDICATION.
advantages of reprefentation, can ever
be admitted to a place even among
the lighter engagements of his Royal
Highnefs's leifure moments) they are,
laid at his Royal Highnefs's feet,
with all humility, duty, and grati-^
tude, by
THE AUTHOR.
une
ADDRESS PREFATORY.
T.
HE AUTHOR regrets that an incon-
fiderate difpofal of the Copy Right of
his Pieces, called The SON IN LAW,
The AGREE ABLE SURPRISE, The YOUNG
QUAKER, The DEAD ALIVE, andPEEp-
ING TOM ; to the late Manager of the
Hay -Market Theatre, prevents their ap-
pearance in this Collection*. How-
ever, fhould thofe of his compofitions,
which he is here enabled to give to the
Public, afford any gratification in the:
reading, it is derived from the kindnefs
of MR. HARRIS, (Proprietor of the
Theatre-Royal, Covent-Garden) in per-
mitting the AUTHOR to Print them ; the
Copy Right of mod of them, he alfo
having purchafed;
* Had they been fold to a Bookfeller, and cdnfequently
then Publifhed, the AUTHOR, would, by the laws refpe&ing
literary property, have had a right to print them at the ex-
piration of fourteen years, a term now long elapfed.
To
VI
To that Gentleman, for this fignal in-
fiance of generofity, as well as for many
other afts of friendfhip, the AUTHOR,
thus Publickly returns his moft fincere
and grateful thanks.
Teddington, Middlefex,
June, 1798.
LIST
OF
SUBSCRIBERS.
HlS Royal Highnefs the Prince of
Wales '
His Royal Highnefs the Duke of York
His Royal Highnefs the Duke of
Clarence
A.
Her Moft Serene Highnefs the Margravine of
Anfpach
Nathaniel Atchefon, Efq. F. A. S.
Miles Peter Andrews, Efq. M. P. for Bewdly,
Worcefterfhire
Mrs. Abingdon
Mr. Angelo
F. Dugdale Aftley, Efq. Everley, Wilts
Mr. At t wood
Mr, Adams, 10 copies
F.
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.
F- Aickin, Efq. Gower-flreet
Mr. A
Mrs. Allen, Errol Houfe, Scotland
Lee Allen, Efq. Errol Houfe, Scotland
B.
Sir George Beaumont, Bart. L. L. D. Dunmow,
Eflex
Sir Charles Burdett, Bart. Acomb, Yorkfhire
Francis John Browne, Efq. M. P. for the county
of Dorfet, Frampton, Dorfetfhire
Mifs Benfon
M. H. Beach, Efq. M. P. for Cirencefler, Wik
liamftrip-park, Gloucefterfliire
Mr. Bannifler, Jun. Gower-flreet
Dr. Charles Burney
Mr. Blandiord, Surgeon, Wincanton, Somerfet-
(hire
Mrs. Boone, Berkeley-Square
Boone, Efq. Berkeley -Square
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Babbs, Efq.
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Captain
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.
Captain Burndl
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The Reverend Mr. Burnett, Berkhamftead, Herts
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Covent- Garden
R. H. A. Bennet, Efq.
C.
The Right Honorable the Earl of Chefterfield,
2 copies
His Excellency Earl Camden, Dublin Cattle
Francis Conft, Efq. Barrifter at Law
Richard Cumberland, Efq.
Robert Calvert, Efq.
Charles Calvert, Efq.
Mr. -James Clarke
James Cawdell, Efq. Manager of the Sunderland
Company
Lieutenant A. Congalton, R. N.
Mrs. Carey
Mr. James Champ, Chichefter
Edward H. Cruttenden, Efq.
James Cobb, Efq. Eaft India Houfe
Mr. Thomas Crefer
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Mr. John Carpenter, Wincanton, Somerfetfhire
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Mr. Crofs
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b His
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.
D.
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The Right Honorable the Earl of Dorcheiter
The Right Honorable Lady Vifcountefs Dudley
and Ward
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Ward
N. Dalton, Efq. Shanks Houfe, Wiacanton, So-
merfetfhire
John Dalron,Efq. Pitbcome, Bruton, Somerfetfhire
Mrs. Deacon, 2 copies
Mr. Deacon
Mifs De Camp
The Reverend Dr. Dupre, Berkhamftead, Herts
W. Dawes. Efq.
The Reverend Mr. Dodd, Weftminfter, 2 copies
Mrs. Dehany
William Davies, Efq.
Mr. Dow ton
Mr. Dignum
E.
The Right Honourable the Earl of Egremont
Mrs. Eften
F.
The Right Honorable Earl Fitzwilliam
Dr. Fifher, Doctors' Commons
A Friend
Mr. F'awcett
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.
Fielding, Efq. Barrifter at Law
Francis Freeling, Eiq. General Poll Office
Mr. Fox
A Friend
W. T. Fitzgerald, Efq. Upper Seymour-ftreet,
Portman-fquare
R. Frewen, Efq.
The Rev. Brownlow Forde, L. L. D, 2 copies
G.
William Guy, Efq. Chicheftcr
Mrs. Gardiner, Hampton Court
Mr. Gout
Ginnis, Efq. Barrifter at Law, Ireland
Mrs. Grove, Z:nl's Houic, Mere, \V .tftitrc
The Reverend Mr. Grove, Muc, vV.liftilre
William Garrow, Efq. Barrifter at Law
Captain Franc : s Galiini
Edward Grubb, Efq. Great Queen-ftreet
Mr. Henry Gapper, Heiitl-icige, Shurton, Dorfl-tfhire
H.
His Gra^e the Duke of Fat lion
Lady Hoare, Barn-Elm-, Su iy
Prince Hoare, Elq.
The Reverend Mi. Hemiug, Chiche^er
Tho-nas H lcro:t, E!q. %
William Hay lev, E f j. i^arrlnm, SufT^x
Thomas Harris, E;q, LJ abridge
b ^ Mr.
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.
Mr. Philip Humphreys, Bookfeller, Chichefter*
2 COj. 1CS
Mr. Merrick Hoare
Mr. Hugh Hoare
The Reverend Mr. Hobion
Mr Holman
William Hoare, Efq.
John HaLs Efq.
I.
The Right Honorable the Earl of Ikhefter
The Honorable William Irby
B. James, Efq. 2 copies
Mrs. Jordan
Wi'iiam J.)hnfon, Efq. Inner Temple
Mrs. Jeffries, Ireland
Mr. Johnfon
Jones, Efq. Bloom fbury-fquare
Mr. Jewell
Iv.r. Inckdon
K.
Dr. Kennedy, Great Q^een-flreet
Mr. Kemble
Mr. Kirby, Bookfeller
Mr. King
Mr. K'ng, Jun.
Mr Kelly
Mr. Knight
The
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.
L.
The Moft Noble the Marquis of Lothian
Sir James Lake, Bart. Edmonton, Middlefex
M. Lewis, Efq. Devonlhire Place
M. G. Lewis, Eiq. M. P. for Hindon, Wilts
Mifs Lowther
Mefirs. Latouche, Bankers, Dublin
Meffrs. Lee and Hurft, Bookfellers, Pater- nofler-row
Mr. Longman, Cheapfide
Mifs Leak
Beckford Long, Efq.
H. Lefanu, Efq. Dublin
Mr. Lewis
Mr. Longman, Bookfeller, Paternofter-rovr
Mr. William Lane, Bookfeller, Leadenhall-flreet
M.
His Grace the Duke of Marlborough
The Right Honorable the Earl of Miltovvn
The Right Honorable Lady Mulgrave
The Right Honorable Lord Mulgrave, 2 copies
Mrs. Minchin, Bath
Thomas Morton, Efq.
Mr. Munden
Mr. Motley, Porfmouth
Moor, Efq.
John Maddocks, Efq.
William Maddocks, Efq.
Mifs Mellon
RuflU
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.
Ruflel Manners, Eiq. Burlington-ftreet
The Proprietors of the Monthly Mirror, 2 copies
Mrs. Martyr
; Minier, Efq.
Mrs. Mitchell
Mr. Morgan
Mrs. Mattocks
Linus Macnally, Efq. Barrifter at Law, Ireland
N.
The Right Honorable Lady Vifcountefs Newark
O.
W. O'Brien, Efq. Stinsford, Dorfetmire
Dennis O'Bryen, Efq. Craven-ftreet
Lieutenant Orton, R. N.
P.
His Grace the Duke of Portland
The Right Honorable the Earl of Pembroke
The Honorable Colonel Phipps, M. P. for Scar-
borough
Mifs Pope
Mrs. Parker, 2 copies
Mr. James Parker, Efher, Surrey
Mr. Pope, Half Moon-ftreet
Mr. Perfecl, Surgeon, Wincanton, Somerfetfhire
Mr. R. Palmer
WalQi Porter, Efq.
William
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.
William Morton Pitt, Efq. M. P. for the county
of Dorfet, Stinsford, Dorfetfliire
Mr. Payne, Bookfeller, Mews-Gate
Mrs. Powell
Mr. Powell
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John Palmer, Efq. Bath
William Henry Pejen, Efq. Portland Place
Mr. Peake
0,
Mr. Quick
His Grace the Duke of Roxburgh
The Honorable John Roper
Frederick Reyulds, Efq.
Mr. Reinhold
Riley, Efq. R. A.
Mr. Reeve
Johnathan Raine, Efq. Barrifler at Law, Lincoln's
Inn
Mr. Ruffel
Raine, Efq.
S.
The Right Honorable the Countefs of Shaftefbury
The Right Honorable Earl Spencer
William Shield, Efq. Berners-ftreet
Mr.
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS*
Mr. Simpfon
Mr. Suett
Thomas Sheldon, Efq. Tottenham-court- road
Richard Sullivan, Efq. Thames Ditton, Surrey . .
Mr. Stokes
George Shum, Efq. M. P. for Honiton, Devon-
(hire, Berry-hill, Dorking, Surrey
George Stephens, Efq.
Mr. Shaw
Sir Robert Sali{bury, Bart. M. P. for the Town of
Brecon; Llanwern, Monmouthfhire
Peter Stuart, Efq.
Charles Stuart, Efq.
Mr. Sedgewicke
John Sylvefter, Efq. Barrifter at Law
Shepherd, Efq. Serjeant at Law
T.
The Right Honorable Lord Teynham
John Taylor, Efq. Hatton Garden
Mr. Tremeli
Mr. Townmend
The Reverend George Threnchard, L. L. D. Hen-
den Houfe, Maidenhead, Berks
Townfhend, Efq. Cleveland -court, St. James's
Mr. Thring, Attorney at Law, Warminfton, Wilts
Edward Taylor, Efq, Old Burlington-ftreet
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.
V.
Udney, Efq. Teddington, Middlefex
Mrs. Vickery, Ireland
The Reverend Dodor Vincent, Weftminfter
w.
Mrs. R. Walpole, Jun.
Mrs. Weddeil
Mrs. M. Ward
Mr. Wathen
Nathaniel Webb, Efq. Round-hill, Wincanton, So'
merfetfhire
Mrs. Wheeler
Mr. Wheeler
Mr. William Woodfall
Mr. Whitfield
Mr. Whyte, Dublin
Mr. Wilkinfon
Mr. Warburton.
Mr. White, Book'feller, Fleet-ftreet
Wickhara, Efq. Duke-ftreet, Weftminfter
H. S. Woodfall, Efq.
Mr. F. G. Waldron
Mrs. Mary Wood
Mr. T. Woodfall, 2 copies
ft^~ Subfcribers whofe names, from difhnce of place, cou'd
not be afcertained, and are here omitted, are refpe&fuiiy in-
formed they ihall appear in the Second Edition.
CONTENTS*.
VOL. I,
LIFE'S VAGARIES. ......... , 79 -
THE CASTIJi OF ANDALUSIA. - - - - 1782
THE G: ENADIER. . . _ ,735,
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN 1772
THE POOR SOLDIER. 1782
MODERN ANTIQUES. 1789
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 179 3
VOL. II.
WILD OATS. 1791
THE WICKLOW MOUNTAINS. 1795
FONTAINEBLEAU. 1784
THE LITTLE HUNCHBACK. 1787
THE BASKET MAKER. 1789
THE BLACKSMITH OF ANTWERP. - - - 1788
THE POSITIVE MAN. - - - - 1784
VOL. III.
THE TOY. - 178$
THE CZAR PETER. - 1789
THE LONDON HERMIT. 1793
THE IRISH MIMIC. 1795
TANTARA-RARA. - - - - ir83
THE BIRTH DAY. 1783
THE BEGGAR ON HORSEBACK. - - - - 1785
* A wifh that by chequering and contrafting the pieces,
more variety might be given to the Reader, is the reafon
jchey are not aranged according to the dates of their firil
reprefentation.
CONTENTS.
VOL. IVi
THE WORLD IN A VILLAGE. ----- 1?93
THE HIGHLAND REEL. , 7 88
THE MAGIC BANNER. 1796
THE FARMER. ,787
THE MAN MILLINER. 1787
THE PRISONER AT LARGE 1788
LOVE IN A CAMP*. 1785
THE DOLDRUM. 1796
* In the firft fcene of this piece the following eflential
lines have by miftake been omitted.
Darly. But Captain, what brought you into this foreign
PfufTian land.
Capt. P. Why Darby, as it was peace, I thought my paf-
fing my time here in this excellent fchool of arms, might
give me a better claim, even to half pay, than idly flaying
at home to fhine the fluttering hero of a Hampftead Bali, or
a Cork AJIembly.
LIFE'S VAGARIES;
OR,
The NEGLECTED SOX.
IN
FIVE ACTS.
PERFORMED AT THE
THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-G ARDEN.
IN 1795.
VOL. I.
PROLOGUE,
WRITTEN BY JOHN TAYLOR, ESQ.
AND SPOKEN BY MR.. MIDDLETOK.
'TIS ftrange that authors, who fo rarely find
Their pray'rs can move an audience to be kind,
Still fend, with piteous tone and look forlorn,
The Prologue forth to deprecate your fcorn;
Such doleful heralds, which would fain appear
The timid Itruggles of a modeft fear,
The furly Critic views with jealous fpleen,
As the dull prefage of the coming fcene.
In vain, the dread hoftility to calm,
E'en potent Flatt'ry tries her foothing balm j
Pity's a crime his lofty foul difdains
And his pride feafts upon the poet's pains.
Yet now no critic rancour need we fear,
For lib'ral candour holds her empire here,
Candour, who fcorns for little faults to pry,
But looks on merits with a partial eye.
And fure a bard whofe mufe fo oft has found
The happy pow'r to kindle mirth around,
Though, in her fportive moods, averfe to trace,
The rigid forms of Adion, Time, and Place,
While gen'rous objects animate her view,
May Hill her gay luxuriant courfe purfue ;
For, mid her whims, ihe ftill has ihewn the art,
To prefs the USEFUL MORAL on the heart;
With juft contempt the worthlefs to difcard,
And deal to VIRTUE its deferv'd reward.
So aim'd the bard * (if haply we may dare,
Our humble fcenes with nobleft ftrains compare)
The bard whofe favour'd mufe could joy afford,
That eas'd the cares of Rome's Imperial Lord,
Who in her fatire frolickfome and wild,
Gave vice the deepeft wounds when raoft fhe fmiPd.
* HORACE,
a 2 PERSONS
PERSONS OF THE DRAMA.
Lord Torrendel, Mr. BERNARD,
Arthur D'Aumerle, Mr. LEWIS.
Sir Hans Burg efs, Mr. MUNDEX.
Dickins, Mr. QUICK.
George Burgefs, Mr. FAWCETT.
Timolin, Mr. JOHNSTONS.
L'CEillet, Mr. FARLEY.
Robin Hoofs, Mr. TOWNSHEND.
Robinfon, Mr. ABBOT.
Thomas, Mr. SIMMONDS.
Coachman, Mr. THOMSON.
John, ., Mr. LEDGER.
Conftable, , Mr. BLCRTON.
Lady Torrendel, Mrs. POPE.
Augufta, Mifs WAI, us.
Fanny, Mrs. LEE.
Mifs Clare, Mifs STUART.
Landlady, Mrs. PLATT.
TRADESMEN, and SERVANTS.
SCENE, Suffix.
L I FE's VAG A R I E S;
OR,
THE NEGLECTED SON.
A C T L
SCENE I.
A Parlour in DICKINS'S; Break/aft laid.
Enter SIR HANS BURGESS, and ROBIN HOOFS.
SIR HANS.
A'LL truft nothing to the errand cart, you muft
bring up my own waggon j cuts fuch a figure !
a Gentleman's fine team ringing thro' a country
town.
Rtbin. Why it does make folks (tare.
Sir H. There's the Duke's cart, Lord Mar-
quifs's cart, and why not his Worihip's cart ?
and on it written in capitals, ' Sir Hans Bur-
gefs 1 Samphire Hall." A ride of feven miles,
after breakfafting at eight as I have, is a kind of
Whet ; but to find Major Talbot there over his
breakfaft at eleven! Shameful! Eh, why here's
anoihes
LIFE'S VAGARIES ;
another Breakfaft at (looks at his watch) twelve !
Scandalous !
Robin. Now you mention that Sir, don't forget,
that Squire Miller invites you to dine with him to
day.
Sir H. Aye, his dinner hour is two ; you call
and tell him, I'll wait on him. [Exit ROBIN.]
I breakfaft at eight, Major Talbot at eleven, this
little Shopkeeper at twelve, why a man in his
rounds, according to the degrees of fafhion, may
fwallow four or five breakfafts in a morning.-
Ah, Dickins is quite fpoilt by a Lord's taking
notice of him aping all the abfurd impertinence
of fafliion ; an infignificant cur mongrel, fetting
himfelf up for a greyhound.
Enter DICKINS, in a morning gown, &c. tying his
neckcloth, Jits.
Dick. When one fups at the Caftle, no rifing
next morning (yawns, not minding Sir Hans.}
SirH. The Caftle J fup with Lord Vifcount
Torrendel.
Dick. His Lordmip would make me bumper it
iaft night, toafting fuch bundles of his fine girls >
J pon my foul I and Torrendel knock'd the bot-
tle about rarely. How his Lordlhip flared at
dinner when I hob nob'd him ; fays he, my dear
Dickins, are you in earneft ? 'pon my foul, faid I
my dear Torrendel I am, that's poz. I'm ufed
to good old black port, and his Lordfliip's pink
Burgundy has given me an immenie head-ach.
No getting from him, he's fuch good company.
(yawns.)
SirH. Then I'm not even to be aiked to fit
down?
Dick. Sir Hans Burgefs! Oh, how do ye do ?
Sir H.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 7
Sir H. Well, this is good, a Gentleman comes
to talk about bufmefs, and its " Oh, how do ye
do."
Dick. Bufmcfs ! true, I ride out with my Lord
this morning.
Sir H Pleafe, Sir, firft to ftep into your (hop,
and weigh out the fugar and tobacco for my fer-
vant, Robin Hoofs.
Dick, (fifing) Sir, if you don't know how to
behave as a parlour vifitor to me, as a cuftomer,
walk into my mop, and wait there till you are
ferv'd. Here John, take this perfon's orders.
Weigh tobacco! as you are now Sir Hans Bur-
gefs, I may yet be Sir Anthony Dickins ; I may
be knighted for bringing up an addrefs. You
made your money by a contract of hats, and an't
I making mine by
Sir H. Your country merchant mop of all forts.
Dick. My banking-houfe, agencies, receiver-
fhips, faclorihips
Sir H. And coal-fhips. Now / have laid out
my money in buying a fcope of land, and my
grand hobby is to turn it into a faftii enable fea-
bathing place. I have fuch a liberal mind to ac-
commodate the publick, I built firft there a
beautiful houfe- -
Dick. For yourfelf. As my Lord fays, to ferve
a man's felf, has been long the way of doing
things for the public good.
Sir H. I raifcd as pretty an hotel ! and the neat
row of lodging-hoiiies !
Dick. But to give it a name, you muft get a
few of us people of faihion down to it. Suppofe
I fay to his Lordfhip, 'pon my foul Torrendel,
now you mould take a houfe from my friend, Sir
Hans., he's a good, honeft, itupid fort of a foul
whv
8 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
why then, fays my Lord, nay my dear Dickens,
you are too fevere. Yes, perhaps I may prevail
on Torrendel to take one of your new houfes.
Sir H. Not fo much good in you, a pity, friend
Dickens, my Lord can't admit you for an hour
to his table, but it makes you fo faucy.
Dick. Proud ! a proof my Lord ca'n't do with-
out me.
Sir //. Why you are fo clever that I will truft
you, becaufe 1 ca'n't do without you.
Dick. Very civil, (bows)
Sir H. I came to confult you. You know
I defign to beftow my ward Augufta Woodbine,
with her whole fortune, on my fon George ; but
I fear the report of her riches will bring all your
flamy, high-titled gentry about her, then
Dick. Ay ! then, indeed, (lie may be for de-
fpifmg a fon of yours. Wa'n't Mifs Augufta
ad9pted by her uncle on his difcarding his own
daughter for a faux pas with fome man of faihion
two and twenty years back ?
Sir H. Devil's in your twenty years back ! how
to bring my foil's marriage about now ?
Dick. Make your ward think that her uncle
has made a fecond will, and that ihe's not worth
two-pence, then fhe'll be glad to fnap at your
George.
Sir H. Eh ! that's well, I expeft her to-day
from London. According to that plan, it will
jhew too much attention to go myfelf to meet
her I'll let her down I'll fend any body will
you go, my dear fellow ?
Dick. Civil again ; (bows} its a doubt to me,
if you know how to make a bow, Sir Hans; ha,
ha, ha! this morning I, making my bow of leave
to his Ludthip, Hiding back, ftumbled upon the
poor
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. $
poor Chaplain's toe ; my Lud laughed ! S'death !
cries his Reverence, you've killed me ! Huzza,
fays my Lud, then the parfon's dead, and has
loft his living, ha, ha, ha !
Sir H. Then you are a retailer of his Lordfhip's
jefts too.
Dick. But to meet this Lady, I'll fend my
daughter Fanny. Here me is.
Enter FANNY, ft ops Jtiort, and makes a low curtefy.
Why, Mifs, isn't this your fchool hour?
Fanny. Yes, papa, but I've ftept home for a
book; did you fee my Pleating Inftru6lorr (looks
about.)
Dick. My dear, you muft ftep over to the inn
to receive
Fanny. Lord ! papa, what would our Gover-
nefs fay if a young Lady of her fchool was feen
going into an inn ? befides its now my reading
time ; then I have my embroidery ; then I mult
practice my mufick j then fay my French leflon ;
then the dancing -matter; then, papa
[Exit, cowtefying. Sir Plans bows.
Dick. I muft not take her from her accomplim--
ments I'll go, and in my way drop this parcel
at my Lud's, a trivial thing, but was I to fend
it, it would be, Eh, now, Dickins, why didn't
you come yourfelf, my dear fellow ? always hap-
py to fee you. Muft call, my Lord may think
I'm getting proud, pride is fo contemptible.
Sir H. So it is, I defpife it at this moment.
Dick. Well, good bye.
Sir H. Devil's in your good bye ! Introduce
me now to Lord Torrendel.
Dick. Why, I don't know, his Lordlhip fup-
YOL. i. c port
io LIFE'S VAGARIES;
ports vaft dignity j but never mind, tho' he is ve-
ry difficult of acceis, I'll introduce you, for my
Lud fays, Dickins, I'll be glad to fee fome of
your people j from my refpeft to you, you may
command any fervice never mind their aukward
want of breeding, if known to you. Sir Hans,
I'll prefent you to my Lud; expect to fee all the
importance of genuine old nobility; yet I'm of
that confequence with him, that once prefented by
me, his Lordfhip and you are hand and glove.
[Exeitnf,
SCENE II.
ACbtmber in LORD TORRENDEL'S
Enter LORD TORRENDEL, and L'CEiLLET, adjuft-
ing his drefs.
Lord Tor. Then you think, L'CEillet, Lady
Torrendel is ftill in Cumberland. She is too
good a wife I ufe her ill.
L'CEillet. Oui ! mais, mi Lor, dat be de faute
of la nature, vich did give your Lorfhip confti-
tution galante, amoureufe
Lord Tor. No interruption from my wife here,
ha, ha, ha ! good deception this of mine, to make
her believe I'm at Lifbon for the re-eflablimment
uf my health j never was better in my life !
L'CEilfet. Your Lordfhip be robufle commc
cuk; vid your fpindle (hank, (ctfidi)
f ord Tor. Lady Torrendel, among the lakes,
imagines that I am retir'd hither to this fcene
of
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. n
of darling pleafures; a doubt to me if fhe even
knows I've flill a feat in this part of the country.
She is truly amiable, her mind ftored with every
delicate refinement, and for perfonal charms has
few fuperiors; I like people fnould know fo fine a
woman chofe me ; yes, (he feems the only per-
fon unconfcious of her fhining qualities; but I
cannot help my irrefiflible penchant for variety,
(ringing without) I'm not at home; except it is the
little girl, Dickins's daughter Fanny ! isn't her
name Fanny ? an abfolute Cherub !
L'CEillet. Ah ! oui milor Fanny Dickins, Fan-
ny Cherub !
Lord 'Tor. But living beauty cannot banim the
fweet remembrance of Emily Woodbine. If her
father hadn't difmherited her for coming off with
me, and adopted his neice, I fhou'dn't now be
troubled with this profligate boy of hef's, this
Lord Arthur, as he calls himfelf prefumes as if
my fon in real wedlock. My fitting him out for
the Indies was doing very handfome for a chance
child.
L'CEillet. Milor, I did vid money, you give
me, furnilh him fuperbement for voyage de mer;
but he did make fuch a fabat affreux in de fhip,
dat he vas turn'd out (afide) fo I did tell you j
but your money I have fnug dans ma poche.
Lord Tor. He's well enough, I hear, as to his
perfon.
L'CEillet. Oui ! il eft fait a peindre, 1'image
of your lordfhip !
Lord Tor. But mad ! I'm abfolutely afraid of
him.
L'CEillet. Milor, here come de pretty girl.
Lord Tor. L'CEillet ! how do 1 look this morn-
ing ? candid now ! I always like the truth.
c 2 LOEilkt,
ii . LIFE'S VAGARIES;
L'CEttlet. Den, en verite, milor, you look
not above fifty, tho' you are a-quarter pad.
Lord Tor. Fifty ! L'CEillet you are exceedingly
coarfe.
Enter FANNY.
Ha, my charmer!
Fanny. 'Pon my word, Sir, my Lord I mean,
if you talk that way to me, I won't come here any
more ; I didn't know you were in the room, or J
fhouldn't have come in I afiure you, Sir, my Lord
I mean.
L'CEillet. Ah, perite badine. Mamfelle Fanny
come purpofe t6 fee my Lor.
Fanny. Monfieur, how can you fay that.
Lord Tor. Do now, my love, declare and make
me happy.
Fanny. Then I only came becaufe
Lord Tor. What, my angel ?
L'CEiliet. Ah, pourquoi ?
Fanny. Becaufe papa fays its a boyifh play, and
all the rooms in our houfe are fo fmall, and you've
fuch a fine long gallery here, and Jenny the houfe-
keeper's daughter is fo fmart at he ! he ! he !
(produces battledores.}
i
Enter THOMAS, with fl parcel.
L'CEillet. (fnatching it.) Va ten! (pujkes Urn
ff.) .
Lord Tcr. (breaks it open."} Oh, fome begging
petition. How ! my Lady Torrendel's hand !
L'CEiilet do you read, and write fome confiftent
anfwers ; date the letters froai Lifbon as ufual.
L'CEillet.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. jj
L'CEillet. Wile you, milor, play de raquette
vid Mifs Fanny.
Fanny. What ! can you play, Sir, my Lord I
mean ?
Lord Tor. (ajide.) To win a girl one mud
comply with all her childim follies. ( To LCEil-
let) Say the fprain's not better can't lift my
arm and all that, (takes a battledore.')
Fanny. Ca'n't lift your arm! you flourifh it
finely, Sir ; my Lord I mean.
Lord Tor. Come, my love, (they play)
VCEillet. Ah! bien tres bien !
[Exit, admiring.
Enter Die KINS, and SIR HANS, who ftand
amazed.
Fanny. Oh ! my Lord, what a rare old beau
the King won'd think you now, and if my papa
was to fee me oh ! (feeing Dickens, runs, he Jlops
her]
Dick. So, this is your <c Pleating Inftruo
tor."
Sir H. The dignity of tc genuine old nobi-
lity !"
Lord Tor. Ah,. hem! what, Sir?
Dick. 1 beg your Lordmip's pardon, but I
brought a parcel, and am come up to fave your
Lordihip's coming down.
Lord Tor. Impudent intrufion this !
Dick, Mifs, you ftep over to the Swan Inn
to receive a young ladyjuft arrived from London
go.
Fanny. Lord, Papa ! give my battledores to
Jenny, (apart to Lord Torrendel ; goes to do9r t
turns, makes a low court efey t and exit gravely.)
Sir H.
14 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Sir H. Ho\v finely me holds up her head.
Dick. All the good flic's got at the boarding
fchool.
Lord Tor. Once you make free with thefe kind
of people.
Sir H. The devil's in your ftrutting ! why
don't you prefent me r
Dick. Oh, true, my Lord give me leave to
introduce
Lord Tor. Ah! hey! L'CEillet ! (calls and exit.
Die kins Jlands confufed)
Sir H. Dickins, fince I have been intro-
duced by you, his Lordihip and I are hand
and glove, ha, ha, ha !
Dick. Get drunk with a man over night,
and in the morning its
Sir H. Ah ! heyl 'L'CEillet ! (mimicks)
Dick. Hem ! ' [Exit.
Sir H. Stop, my Lord ca'n't do without
you.
Enter L'CEiLLET hqflily.
L'CEillet. Mon dieu ! vere be my Lord to tell
him of dis beauty lady ftop at de Inn ?
Sir Hans. I fee the valet's the prime favourite
after all. (ajide) Monfieur, pleafe to accept
(gives money.)
LCEillet. Qu'eft que c'eft ? vat's dis ?
Sir H. 'Tis you are fo civil.
L'CEillet. Ah ! je vous entends to make me
civil.
Sir H. Sir ? [Bows and exit.
L'CEillet. Two guinea ! very polite ! he vant
ma Innereft. In his Lordfhip's fervice 1 have
been but four year, yet have fav'd two thoufand
guinea j
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 15
guinea ; the guinea flow to my coffer in many
channel. My I. or fancy watch-trinket, to pre'-
fent as decoy to Lady, I buy at ten guinea,
charge him twenty. I wink at de tradefman's
bill, ven paid he flip me de guinea: if tenant
want leafe renewed, I fpeak to my Lor, tenant
me donne the guinea. De maitre tink we be
dere fervants, but when we have got into de
love-fecret, pardi ! den de maitre become fer-
vant to de valet de chambre. [Exit.
SCENE III.
A Room* in an Inn.
Enter LANDLADY, introducing AUGUSTA.
Landlady. This way madam. [Exit.
Enter FANNY.
Fanny. How d'ye do, Ma'am, after your jour-
ney ?
Augufta. Tolerably well, Mifs but, pray, who
am I to thank for this obliging enquiry ?
Fanny. Why, Mifs, a'n't you the great heirefs,
Mifs Augufta Woodbine, Sir Hans Burgefs ex-
peted down here from London ?
Augufla. Where is the good old gentleman ?
Fanny. He good ! brought papa upon me jufl
now ! he, he, he ! I was caught but pray don't
you young Ladies in London fometimes play at
ihuttlecock ?
August
j6 LIFE'S VAGARIES j
Augujla. Ha, ha, ha ! why, Mifs, you are very
agreeable what a fimple thing ! (afide) but,
how came you to know, or expeft me ?
Fanny. Papa fent me to receive you.
Augujla. I didn't know Sir Hans had a daughter
Mils Burgefs I prefume.
Fanny. He, he, he ! no ! no ! I am not Mifs,
but I may be Mrs. Burgefs, for young George
is quite partial to me ; there he's now gone on
his travels round Brighton, and Battle, and Haf-
tings, Sandwich, and Margate, and Ramsgate.
My dear foul, George Burgefs is a very fine
creature, I afliire you.
Augujla. Ica'n't doubt his tafte, Mifs, when I
underftand he's an admirer of your's.
Fanny. Ah! now I fee the difference between
you and us down here. You are a true Lady,
and we are only conceited figures, and fo I'll
tell all the Ladies in our fchool, and 1 don't care
ifmy French teacher hears me too. Ton my
honour, with all my finery, I'm. but a fliabb'y
genteel.
Enter Die KINS.
Dick. If my fcheme of letting down our
young heirefs, can bring about a match with
Sir Hans's Son George, by agreement I touch
the handfome prefent.
Fanny. La, papa ! why don't you fpeak to the
young Lady ?
Dick. Welcome, Mifs ! (mas familiarly!)
Augujla. Sir, (courtefies) I wifh fomebody would
call my fervant. (going)
Fanny. Mifs, I'll run.
Dick.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 17
Dick. Stop. Now to let her down, (afidi)
Mifs, I've difcharged your fervant.
Augufla. How, Sir !
Dick. And, my dear, intend of attendance
on yourfelf, you muft learn to attend on others,
my dear.
Augufla. Sir! very odd and myfterious; this
brutal treatment (afidi) my guardian lives
but a few miles the carriage ready ! (go&g)
Dick. Never mind, my dear, you'll be able
to walk as far as you've to go j you can walk !
(abruptly)
Augufla. What can be the meaning !
Dick. A word, Mifs ; you have been brought
up with the idea of a great fortune. Smoke !
your uncle has mude a fccond will, and bequeath'd
all his property to a fome Mr. Jackfon, or Mr.
Johnfon, no matter who.
Augufla. I don't know who you are, Sir, but
if acquainted in my affairs, furely by my uncle's
will I am
Dick. A man's, loft will is the clincher, tho'
he had made fifty before j you are left a trifling
legacy, and a handfome education, fo mult now
battle it out for vourklf.
Fanny. I could cry for her misfortune, if I
wasn't glad at its making us more equal. Be-
fore, I admir'd; but now I fhall love her,
dearly.
Dick. My generality is fuch, that at Sir
Hans's requeft, I'll take you into my houfe to
be governels to my daughter Fanny, here.
Augufta. Can this be pofilble ?
Fanny, Then I'm to leave fchool ! (joyfully}
Dick. You fhall have my protcclion, you
may dine at my table when \se have no parci-
VOL. i. D cular
1 8 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
cular company. No occafion to acquaint you,
my dear, of my property and fortune firft
falhion. (locks at bis wjtcb) My Lord may
now have called at my houfe ! but let him call
again !
Enter JOHN, with a large Bag.
John, Here, Sir Hans's man fays you fold him
better moid fugar for 6d. a pound.
Dick. Get you gone, you rafcal ! (pujhes him
out}
Fanny. La, papa, why don't you mind the
bufmefs of the fhop ?
Dickens. Hem ! yes, I want a governefs for my
daughter. What fay you Mifs ?
Augujla. Sir, I am a friendlefs orphan ; no
alternative but fuch an afylum ! (afide, and
weeps)
Dick. Come, young Lady, don't be cad
down.
Augufta. I am furprifed perhaps concern 'd ;
but the profpeft of riches gave me little plea-
fure in the reflection that I was to poflefs what
belonged to an unfortunate relatives the unfor-
giving fpiric of her obdurate parent took the
birth-right from his own lamented daughter,
caft down f I. could be happy was I fure my
uncle's wealth would devolve on the offspring
of his child's offence j die poor youth, who
rflfy at this moment tf a wretched outcaft,
dilbwn'd by an unprincipled father, and no in-
heritance, but his mother's (hame.
Dick. Why, a babe was, I heard, the con-
fequencc of your Coufm's flip; a boy this
yourg
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 19
young mad Arthur D'Aumerle, {afide} but, dear,
nobody knows any thing of the bantling ; it may
be dead or drowned, or well, but, Mifs, what
think ye ?
Augufta. Sir, I accept your offer.
Dick. Now, I lhall have you under my own
eye, no more playing fhuttlecocks with Lords
but, how are you qualified for this office ? what
is your idea of the duties, in bringing up a young
woman ?
Augufla. Sir, by the mouth of a parent fhe
receives admonition from Heaven itfelf; and
when he commits that charge to another, it is
indeed facred. The care of youth is an ardu-
ous, and delicate truft of confidence, and honor;
I look upon truth, cleanlinefs, and frugality, to
be the firft principles in a lady's education.
They preferve to her mind, perfon, and means,
purity; health, and independence of obligation,
which latter thro' the devious paths of her future
life, to the unfufpecling female, is often the
concealed adder, for the deftruction of her inno-
cence.
Dick. She fet out pretty well about my hea-
venly authority, and my delicate mouth j but for
her concealed adders (afidi) well, in truth, my
dear, .your quondam guardian, bid me break this
affair in a rough way, to lower your fpirit to your
fituationj but it's my intention to treat you
with kindnefs and refpect (afide) This will
do me no harm, when fhe finds fhc has Jlill the
fortune.
D 2 Enter
20 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Enter L'CEiLLEr.
L'CEillet. Vraiment oui ! here is de charmante
inconnue for milor ; (afnis} and Mifs Fanny !
ah! ha! (with freedom}
Dick. And Mifs Fanny's pa ! pa ! (inter-
foftng} Monfieur you want now, 1 fuppofr, to
engage my daughter in a mi.tch of cricket ; but
you fhall get all the notches on your pate.
L'CEillet. Non ! Monfieur, I did come yid
milor's compliments you ride cavalcade vid him
dis morning.
Dick. What! after his affronting me !
UGLillet. Affront pah ! vorre interet.
Dickens. True- ! intereft is the gold-beater's
leaf, for my wounded pride. Come, Mifs, be
chearful ; you'll dine with us dinner on table
at fix.
Fanny. Why, papa, we always dine at one.
Dick. Fanny, to amufe you, will fhew you
our town here.
L'CEH/et. I vill fhow de Lady de town.
Dick. (Bowing} Don't you believe it.
After you, s'il vous plait, Monfieur.
[Exit, with VCEillet.
Fanny. Yes, papa, I'll take Mifs Au_njfta to
the cathedral, the phy-houfe, and fhainbles, the
bea ft -market, and affembly room, and (he fliall
ire ihe fine gallery of pidures, in my Lord's caf-
tle too.
Timc'in. (Without} Give me my own big
bottle of old claret, in my own fift.
Fanny.
- OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 2!
Fanny. A man! oh! Lord! I mufl take care
of my governefs. [Exeunt.
Enter TIMOLIN, with wine and glafs y and Land-
lady.
Timolin. Puppies ! but they couldn't read in
my face, that I was gentleman to a Lord.
Landlady. Here, porters, fetch up his Lord-
Ihip's, and the Gentleman's trunks, let Dick and
Tom Oftler give a help j take care how you turn
the flairs.
Enter WAITER, with two Jmall bundles.
Waiter. Here , Ma'am, is the luggage.
Landlady. And call' for claret! (afide) Your
mailer, Sir, is ?
Timolin. The Honorable Lord Arthur D'Au-
merle.
Landlady. The Honorable Lord
[ Exit with Waiter.
'Timolin. (taking papers out of his pocket]. I
hope my Lord w'on't find out, that I collected all
thefe tradefrr.en's bills, which he ran up in Lon-
don j he'd never have thought of them himfelf.
This claret is neat fince he did call for it, I may
as well drink it; for he has run out of the houfe.
If his father, this Lord Torrendel wo'n't do ibmc:-
thing, no going back to London, for u;> !
Enter WAITER.
Waiter. Sir, the other gentleman is calling for
you, and making a great noifc.
Timclin.
*z LIFE'S VAGARIES;
T'imolin. Nolfe ! aye, that's quite himfelf.
Then, Sir, this gentleman will wait on that gen-
tleman, and that may happen to fave all the bot-
tles and glaffes in your houfe.
Walter. He has juft taken lodgings, at the
jewellers over the way.
Timolin. What may the price be ?
Waiter. I think, they let them at three guineas
a week:
Timolin. (Whijlles y Waiter flares) Don't be
frighten'd, it's only a little new tune I was hum-
ming.
Waiter. Sir, he defires his luggage to be
brought to him. ( Ttmolin ajhamed, looking at the
bundles, whiftles) Sir !
Timolin. What's the matter with you now ?
luggage ! have you good ftrong porters here, and
a big cart ?
Waiter. For what, Sir ?
Timolin. For hem ! only Sir I'm afraid our
luggage will break down the landlady's ftair-cafe.
" And there was three travellers travellers
three." [Exeunt. Timolin, ftnging.
END OF THE FIRST ACT.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 23
ACT II.-
SCENE I.
Before LORD TORRENDEL'S
Enter LORD TORRENDEL.
LORD TORRENDEL.
.N O, the phston : (calling of] I may fee this lit-
tle girl in the evening, and after an hour on horfe-
back; my limbs, not quire fo fupple, appear ra-
ther older than fuch a yoang creature fhould think
one; but, true I afked this Dickins to ride out
with me to-day. One fliould hold thefe fort of
people at arm's length, till we want to turn them
into fome ufe.
Enter TIMOLIN, who takes papers from bis pocket,
and thrufts them into LORD TORRENDEL'J hand.
Timolin. There ! now you have the whole kit of
them.
Lord Tor. Who are you, Sir? what's all this?
bills i
Timolin. Yes, and by my foul they're not bank
bills, and that's the worft of them 3 and, they're
not
a* LIFE'S VAGARIES;
not play bills, and that's the beft of them ; for
there's not a gaming debt in the whole clufter.
Lord Tor. But, friend, you Ihould have deli-
vered them to my banker, Mr. Dickins.
Timdin. A backer! he'll give me the money !
(joyfully'] by finding you fo good, oh ! huw you've
ciifappointed me. (going}
Lord Tor. Stop! (looks at bills) " Lord Torren-
del, debtor, for goods delivered to Lord Arthur 5"
who is Lord Arthur D'Aumerle ?
Timolin. Now don't be in a pafiion, why, I am
his fervant.
Lord Tor. But who is he himfelf ?
Timolin. Come, be aify my Lord, don't go to
pretend to know nothing of your own child.
Lord Tor. How dare any fellow aflume
Lord Arthur !
Timolin. He has the honor of being your fon.
Lord Tor. 'Tis falfe,
Timolin. Well, he has no honor in being your
fon, Will that content you.
Lord Tor. A rafcal ! run about, contract debts,
fend in his bills to me ! I won't pay a fhiliing to
fave him from perdition.
Timolin. Perdition ! fome new-fafhion'd name
for the King's Bench.
Enter GROOM.
Groom. My Lord, am I to faddle the chefnut
mare for Mr. Dickins ? he infifts upon having it.
Lord Tor. Yes, yes, fcoundrel! (walks').
Groom. She coft your Lordfhip two hundred
guineas j he's a bad rider, and if fhe fhould get
any hurt
Lord Tor.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 25
Lord Tor. Don't trouble me with your quarrels.
[Exit Groom.
Timolin. Refufe his child a few pounds, a bit of
beef, a feather bed, and a hat and a pair of (hoes,
or fo; yet mounts a Mr. Dickins on a horfe coft
2oo guineas!
Lord Tor. Can't keep within the allowance that
Timolin. What allowance, My Lord ?
Lrd Tcr. An extravagant
Timolin. He is extravagant \ wicked; he's a
devil ! but, it's all your fault, my Lord, as a fa-
ther j not noticing and bringing him up with a
fenfe of duty to hhnfelf and his neighbours. Call
to mind how you loved his mother, and inveigled
her from her friends, tho' you wasn't married to
the poor unhappy lady, that doesn't make the
child's little finger a bit lefs your fon.
Lord Tor. Emily! (takes out his purfe) for her
dear fake
Timolin. Then blefiings on you ! befides, Lord
Arthur is fuch a gay
Lord Tor. Lord Arthur again ! not a guinea !
Timolin. And as like your lordfliip as a fpright-
}y young buck is like an auld fhambling ba-
boon.' (afide)
Lord Tor. I know nothing about him.
Timolin. Thefe they call gallantries, to bring
a living creature into the world and then leave
him like a wild beaft to prey upon fociety. {Lord
Torrendel walks about enraged, 'fimolin following.}
Now, my Lord, only fee him.
Lord Tor. Begone.
Timolin. I'll tell you what you'll drive him def-
perate ; he'll do fome hellifh thing or other ; he'll
commit a fuicide upon either himfelf or me, for,
VOL. i. E when
26 LIFE'S VAGARIES.
when once he thinks any thing, he immediately
does it, without thinking at all about it.
Lord Tor. Harkye, you fcoundrel ! ifl hear of
your lord Arthur, or yourfelf, being feen about
my door, I'll have you taken up.
Timolin. Well, a fmall man taken up, does'nt
cut fuch a pitiful figure, as a great man taken
down. [Exit.
Lord Tor. This eternal moment!
[Exit difturbcd.
Enter DICKINS, drejjed In an uniform of Hunt > and
JOHN.
Dickins. Yes, John, I think I'm very well
equipp'd to ride out with my lord.
"John. Well, fir, you had a hundred guineas fee
with me, and the day may yet come, for my crof-
fmg a hunter.
Dickins. It may, John ; when I was 'prentice in
Barbican, and like the houfe dog, flept in the
fhop; promifed the watchman a pint, to roufe
me, to go to the Eafter Epping Hunt; five a
clock and a fine morning ! thump comes the pole
againft the fhop door ; tingle, tingle, goes the
little bell behind it; up ftaits me, from my bed
under the counter; on with my buckfkin and
jemmy jacket; jumps into my two boots; mounts
my three and fixpenny nag ; but, firft I put my
fpurs in my pocket ; hey off we go, thro' Hack-
ney, Hammerton I faw the flag once, but then
heard the hounds all the way ; find I've a fhort
and a long ftirrup : difmount to put them even;
forgetting to buckle the girt, down comes me, and
the faddle at-top of me ; by this I was flung out ; but
to prove I was in .at the death, prefents my kind
miftrcfs
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 27
miftrefs with a piece of the ftag's horn, which
horn fhe gives her hufband for a tobacco ftopper,
with ah my dear hubby, I wifh you were as good
a fportfman as your 'prentice Tony Dickins, ah
he's the fmart fellow, ha ! ha ! ha ! and fo I was,
and dem it fo I am ftill. John you needn't
wait dinner, I fhall dine with Torrendel.
[Exit John.
Sir Hans ! curfe it, I can't be plagued with fuch
a filly old fool now.
Enter SIR HANS.
Sir H. Hollo, Dickins ! fo you have feen my
ward, Mifs Augufta.
Dickins. Yes., yes, I have humbled her rarely,
but pray don't delay me now, I'm engaged to ride
out with my lord. I, and Torrendel., may firft
take a turn or two down the Street, arm in arm,
right fide, fo don't hide the flar ! my dear Hans
don't flop to talk to me j if you've people with
you, and you fhould bow, I'll return it.
Re-enter LORD TORRENDEL.
Lord Tor. Call himfelf my fon j keep fervants
too.
Dickins. Well, my lord, here I am : whip and
fpur.
Lrd Tor. Defire the porter not to admit either
of them, (calls off)
Sir H. Not admit either of us !
Dickins. Poh ! hold your tongue, (pujhivg
him) My lud, I had a little head ache from our
bout laft night ; you look vaftly well, but a
little chevy will do us both good.
2 Lord Tor.
2$ LIFE'S VAGARIES,
Lord Tor. Pray, Sir, what are you talking
about ?
Dickins. Why, my lord, you fent for me to
Lord Tor. Poh ! poh ! man, I IhaVt ride out
to-day. [Exit.
Dickins. Go to the expence of drefling ! riew'd
by every body in the town, walking out in my
leathers, and
Sir H. Why, Sir, you are equipp'd in your
leathers.
Dickins. Poh ! poh! man, I (ha'n't ride out to-
day. [Exit.
Sir H. And, pray, man, who cares whether you
ride or walk ? big little nobody ! I'll introduce
myfelf Gad's curfc ! a'n't I a Knight, and if I
can effecT: this marriage with Augufta and my
George
Arthur. (Without) Timolin ! (Enters in flippers)
Where's Timolin ? Sir, I afk pardon. My raf-
cal dare loiter and had only to come and bring me
a couple of hundred guineas from my father; I'll
ice my lord myfelf. (rings violently at the gate)
Sir H. Some young fellow of fafhion !
Arthur. I'm run out in flippers j all afleep
here.
Sir H. Yes, Sir, they were at a jovial party laft
night j Mr. Dickins told me.
Arthur. Who ? aye, my father keeps it up here,
and I without the price of a bottle.
Sir H. (afide) A little civility might make this
Gentleman take lodgings at Samphire-hall.
Arthur. So, I'm not to be let in ! then I'll
have fome of you out. (rings)
Sir H. Are you in this way, Sir ! ( offering fnuff-
box, which Arthur dafies through a window.) the
devil's
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 29
devil's in you, Sir ! what fort of mad trick's that,
to knock a Gentleman's fnuff-box. \Exit.
Enter a MAN, t&ifb Boots.
Arthur. Whofe boots are thefe ? what do you
afk for thefe boots ?
Man. They are bought already, Sir, I'm
bringing them home to my Lord Torrendel.
Arthur * My, father -, (afide) you could make
me a pair ?
Man. Certainly, Sir.
Arthur. Thefe are about my fize. (kicks flippers
of, and -puts on the boots.)
Man. Don't put them on, Sir, I can take your
meafure.
Arthur. My dear fellow, why fhould I give you
that trouble, when here is a pair ready made? that
fits, now this, the whole world is made up of this,
that, and t'other, I have this, and that, and t'other
I don't want, for two boots will do for me as well
as fifty.
Man. Lord, Sir, don't walk about in them,
his lordfhip wo n't have them.
Arthur. A paradox! his lordfhip cannot have
them, and his Lordftiip has them already.
Re-enter SIR HANS.
Sir H. Onlvthe pebble knocked out of the lid!
never faw fuch a ftrange
Man. The boors aie now unfaleable, his lord-
fhip wo'n't take them off my hands.
Arthur. Nor off my lordfhip's feet.
Sir H. Lord ! then I'll pocket my broken box.
Man. They are two guineas, Sir.
Aithur.
3 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Arthur, (to Sir Hans) Sir, I beg you a thoufand
pardons for my inadvertency.
Sir H. Inadvertency ! a man of rank, by not
knowing what he does.
Man. We never book fuch trifles, Sir.
Arthur. Well then fet them down to me, to
Lord Arthur D'Aumerle ; or, carry the Bill to
my father ; or, Timolin will pay you ; or, any
body will pay you ; or, John Bull will pay you ;
honeft John pays for all.
Man. I'll fee if the law wo'n't make you pay
me. {Exit Man.
Sir H. Sir, I prefume you are Lord Arthur
D'Aumerle.
Arthur. Right who are you ? (afide) oh ! Sir
Hans Burgefs ! that old fool they were laughing
at in the mop yonder I hear an immenfe cha-
racter of you, Sir Hans.
Sir H. Pray, my Lord, what do they fay of
me ?
Arthur. Ha! ha! ha! what I ca'n't fay to
your face : that's my father's houfe.
Sir H. Indeed! why we didn't know Lord
Torrendel had a fon,
Arthur. He doefn't like my coming about
him he affects to be thought fo very young, to
recommend him to the Ladies: you underltand
me, Sir Hans ?
Sir H. Not fee you ! he's a very unnatural fa-
ther.
Arthur. And yet I'm quite a natural fon.
Enter THOMAS.
. Sir, my Lord is very much alarm'd,
and
OR, THE NEGLECTED SOtf. 31
and begs you will not commit any more outrage,
or attempt to fee him.
Arthur. Did he give the money to my fervant ?
Thomas. Why, Sir, I did fee his Lordfliips
purfe
Arthur. Then he has, my profound duty
I afk his pardon, (exit Thomas} He's a tolerable
father after all I'll now pay my debts and be a
man again.
Sir Hans. I wifh my fon had your fire.
Arthur. You've a fon ? I'll ftiew him how to
knock your cafh about !
Sir Hans. Good morning to you, Sir. (going}
Arthur. Notfo, Sir Hans ! come and breakfaft.
with me.
Sir Hans. Two o'clock ! Why my dear Sir, I
broke my fail fix hours ago.
Enter ROBIN HOOFS.
Robin H. Sir, here bes Squire Miller's man to
tell you dinner bes on table. [Exit.
Arthur. Pfha come and break fa ft with me.
Sir Hans. But I'm going to dinner.
Arthur. Well, you (hail have Hams, Tongues,
Tea, Coffee, Chocolate, Anchovies, Eggs, and
Rafhers. Come along
Sir Hans. Ha, ha, ha! You hit my humour
I'm very wife and cunning I'd do any thing
to get money : but all only to fee my fon make a
blaze.
Arthur. Blaze ! a conflagration ! I have a ba-
chelor's houfe that is, I lodge at the jeweller's
yonder} I like to have things about me ; I've or-
dered in wine's and relifhes I wane your opinion
of a horfe IVe bought juft now. How I'll curve
it
3 J LIFE'S VAGARIES;
it before noble dad's door ! he fhall fee I can fper.d
his money like a gentleman.
Sir Hans. What a noble lad, I could never grt
iny fon to buy a jack-afs.
Arthur. Come, old hock's the word.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
ARTHUR'S lodgings. 'New cloaths, linen, f addle,
hat., &c. lying on chairs.
Enter TIMOLIN.
Timolin. Oh, melancholy is our new home here,
I'd wifh to keep up my poor matter's fpirits, but
he'll fee an empty pocket in my difmal counte-
nance. If his papa had only given him as much
as would have taken us back to London well,
we have no debts to lay held on us in this
town, however (fees the things) oh thunder and
zounds! whats here; been fliopping on the
ftrength of the expected money! Ordered in wine
too ! Oh, ho, then not a cork (hall be drawn
'till it is paid for. (Locks the cupboard and takes
the Key.)
Arthur, (without) This way, Sir Hans. Oh,
very well ma'am ; but where's my fervant?
Timolin. Bringing company too !
Enter a Maid-fervant, with Tea-things, &c.
Maid. Sir, your mafter is returned, and is
bringing a gentleman to breakfaft.
Tim-
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 33
Timolin. Inftead of a little civil bafon of tea, he
has brought the whole Bedford Coffee-houfe about
us!
Enter ATLTHUR, rf/z^/.SiR HANS.
Arthur. Pray Sir, walk in be feated fo
we've touched ? (joyful)
Timolin. Yes! we fhall be touched, (difmal)
Arthur. Timolin, my friend here has break-
fafted, fo get Sandwiches, and Old Hock.
Timolin. Old Hock! I believe you're jumping
out of your leather.
Arthur. Ha! ha! ha! very well, Timolin.
Sir Hans, that fellow's a treafure: but, when
he does any thing clever, fuch as bringing a man
a couple of hundred, it makes him fo pert
Sir H. Yes ! my Lord, when once a fervant
knows he's an honeft man, he begins to be an,
impudent rafcal.
Timolin. Poh ! what talk's that ! Was the de-
vil bufy with you, Sir, to fend in all thefe new
things from the tradefmen ?
Arthur. Ha ! ha ! ha ! very well Timolin,
the wine ! Sir Hans, I never drink in a morning,
dem'd vulgar and unfamionable; but I know
you old codgers ofPort-foken Ward. You're
a Citizen, Sir Hans, I've heard of your gillings
round the Royal Exchange.
Sir H. Why if I drink in a morning, it makes
me ftupid all day.
Aithur. Oh, Sir Hans, impoffible to make
you ftupid.
SirH. Sir. (bows)
Arthur. Come Timolin, unlock.
VOL. i. F Tun.
34 LIFE'S VAGARIES ;
Indeed I wont.
Arthur. No! Sir Hans, this is the fecret hiftory
of Old Hock, (pointing to the cupboard) and this
(touching his leg) is the key to it. (Burfts the door*
and brings out wine.}
Timolin. Broke open the cupboard Oh, he'll
get us both hanged.
Arthur. Sir Hans, without expedient a man's
nothing.
Sir H. You and your fervant, my Lord, put
one in mind of a couple of ghofts. You are all
fpirit, and he is no body ha ! ha ! ha !
Arthur. Bravo!
Timolin. My Lord, let me fend thefe things
back to the honeft people.
Arthur. Send yourfelf out of the room.
limolin. Only hear me.
Arthur: I'll give you fuch a beating.
Timolin. Well, fo you do but hear me, beat
me as long as you like.
Arthur. Lay the money upon my bureau and
go to the devil; (Puts him cut} The fellow is
fo puffed with doing a petty fervice Give me
leave to Hand Lady, aod make tea for you.
Sir H. My Lord, I hope for the honour of
feeing you down at Samphire Hall, an infant
fcheme, merely for the health and convenience
of the gentry in this part of the country. I've
converted a naked beech into as commodious a
lea-bathing place
Arthur. Then your principle object is
Sir H. The main ocean !
Arthur. Pfha! you want to eftablifh it into a
fafhion ? Its done, I'll be feen there upon your
ftein or efplanacle ; my phyfician {hall recom-
mend all his patients from JBrompton, and Pad-
dington j
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 35
dingdon ; a variety of gambling tabbies, ho-
nourable black legs, and rickety children.
SirH. I'll defer ibe to your Lordfhip, exactly
this fituation of mine. Here, fuppofe the edge
of this Tea-board is the beach, the top of the
Coffee-pot, here rifes the look out
Arthur. Yes Sir, this is the pour-out. (Over-
flows Sir Hans' 's cup.)
SirH. Then Sir, here's the Seaeh! I'm
fcalded !
Arthur. Aye Sir, the fcalding tea.
Sir H. Thefe cups are one of the Rows of
Lodging-houfes, this Sugar-bafon, the Chapel
and my Houfe
Arthur. Yes, yes, thefweeteft place for your-
felf.
Sir H. The Saucers are too large, to mew you
the arrangement of the Machines ; but, how-
ever, fuppofe each of thcfe Guineas a Houfe.
(Takes out his Purfe, and arranges Guineas.']
Arthur. A Guinea a Houfe ! very cheap, I'll
bring all my Friends.
Sir H. Ha! ha ! ha ! a pleafant joke !
Arthur. And here's the cream of the jeft.
(Dafies Cream over Sir Hans.) Ha ! ha ! ha!
This is a moft fociable Breakfaft.
Re-enter TIMOLIN, with THOMAS.
Timolin. You told him ! then untell him j for
he won't hear me at all at all.
Arthur. There again ! then, dam'me ! now
you mail bring me fome brawn and ancho-
vies.
F 2 ft-
3 6 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Timolin. Now don't make quite a kiikawn of
yourfelf.
Thomas. Sir, I thought when I told you that
my Lord's pui fe
Arthur. Yes ! I'm grateful for good news,
here, (puts bis hand on his pocket} Not at home
all abroad, (fnatcbes a few guineas from the table,
and gives them to Thomas.}
Sir H. But my Lord, my guineas.
Arthur. Yes, Sir, a guinea a houfe, neat cot-
tage, ftable for fix horfes, coach-houfe, gardens
before and behind, pantheon ftoves, Adelphi
windows, geometrical cork-fcrew flair-cafe,
kitchen on ground-floor, and fine profpecl from
attic ftory.
Sir H. Bravo ! capital for my advertifement.
Arthur. Here's I'll reward you. (taking the
guineas}
Sir H. Stop, you've given him lodging-houfes
enough, here my honeft fellow is the look-out
for you. (gives the Coffee-pot}
Arthur. Ha, ha, ha! true citizen, fharp look-
out on the guineas. Tom you mail have a bot-
tle, (gives him one and places him at table. Timo-
lin flares, then runs to take it from him.} What !
don't be quite fo bufy, fit ftill. (to Thomas]
You march, (fujhes Timolin out}. Sir Hans, Ti-
molin will pay you your guineas.
Sir H. What a fine model for my fon ! Come,
my Lord, HI give you a patriotic toad Here's
fuccefs to all my undertakings.
Arthur. Patriotic and difinterefted indeed, Sir
Hans! here's
Thomas. Succefs to my undertakings!
Arthur. Right, little pigeon finifh your bot-
tle by yourfelf, and, if you quarrel with your
com-
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 37
company, I'll kick you both out of the room.
Have you advertifed this place at Samphire-hall?
Sir H. I fancy advertifing might make it bet-
ter known ; for newfpapers are a fort of thing
that's read.
Arthur. Why, yes, Sir Hans, people do read
newfpapers; how the deuce did you find out
that? Come, Til draw you up a flourifhing ad-
vertifement.
Sir H. I employed a famous auctioneer to draw-
up one forme, (takes a paper and perufes] Mind
how he defcribes the beauties u To the right,
the bold cliffs and high bluff heads at the
foot, Sir Hans has built an elegant ftrait row of
houfes, called the Crefcent" Eh! that's very
foolifh.
Arthur. Why, yes! your crefcent is a little in
the full moon order, ha, ha, ha ! no no, I'll try
at it. (gets fen and ink.)
Enter TIMOLIN, walks about with his arms folded.
What do you mean by walking in here with your
executioner's face ?
Timolin. Well, I didn't run in debt for my
face. Step in here, all of you.
Enter fever a I Trades-people.
i ft Man. Sir, the horfe you bought I'll be
fatisfied with a draught on Mr. Dickins, our
banker, for the 50 guineas.
2d Man. Neigh oours, your goods are unda-
znaged; but, I infift on being paid for my boots.
Arthur. Timolin !
Timolin. Oh ! I know nothing at all about it.
Arthur.
% LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Arthur. Pay the people this moment.
Timoliti. With what ?
Arthur. What! the two hundred my father
gave you.
fimolin. He didn't give me a Manx rap half-
penny.
Arthur. No! why, I thought by Heavens!
I'll get into the houfe myfelf.
Sir H. (rifmg) Oh ! my Lord, a thought
ftrikes me of great confequence, in the prelect
cafe.
Arthur. Well Sir quick ?
Sir H. That here, inftead of curlews, he Ihould
have faid fea-gulls. (looking at paper.)
Arthur. Damn your fea-gulls, Sir ! fee a no-
bleman baited, by a parcel of mechanical
Timclin. There's all your goods for you again
what more do you want ? (they take up all their
fever al goods.)
Arthur. Every one of you, lay down my pro-
perty this moment, in the very fpot from whence
you took it. I'll pay you the firft money I re-
ceive ; but now, begone, or I'll murder you.
Timolin. Go good people, whatever he fays
he'll do.
Thomas. Here's gaiety and innocence! (drinks)
Arthur. True, it was you who told me firft,
that the money I'll make you gay, you inno-
cent dog. (whips him off)
Sir H. Oh ! what a model for my fon. (Ar-
thur gives him aftroke.) (JLxeunt.
SCENE
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 59
SCENE III.
.A Gallery in LORD To R REN DEL 's bung with -wick
length Piftures of Wmen.
Enter LORD TORRENDEL, and L r (EiLL2T.
"Lord Tor. So very lovely ?
L'CEittet. Une beaute eel eft e ! et pauvre
poor, derfore no danger from relations. So, my
Lord, think no more of the rich mechanic Dick-
ins's daughter.
Lord Tor. Why, their fturdy Citizens may be
troublefome ; but you fay this young Lady is
coming with Fanny to fee my pictures.
L'CEillet. Oui, my Lor.
Enter FANNY.
Fanny. This way, Mifs Augufta.
Lord Tor. L'CEillet! (winks, exit L'CEillet.)
well, you have brought your new friend, to fee
my paintings ?
Fanny. Oh yes, Sir, my Lord I mean, but I
didn't think you'd be in the way.
Lord Tor, Don't let her be alarmed at my pre-
fence.
Fanny. Oh true, I'm not to let out you are a
Lord?
Lord Tor. Fanny ! I mould like to have your
picture here.
Fanny. No, my Lord, fure you woudn't?
Lord Tor. And you fliall have mine for a locket.
Fanny. You think me a filly girl, but I know
enough, never to give tokens, or accept prefents,
but
jf> LIFE'S VAGARIES;
but from my papa, and one befides, a certain
not an old Lord ! l)ut a young man. As my
new fong fays,
Al& Fanny.
Lafles all are fimple,
So the wife one's fay :
Caught by blufli or dimple,
Who is filly pray ?
The ribband, and the ftar,
One fmile brings on a par,
With ruftic maid, in her ftockings blue:
Squeezing the hand, is the lafles cue.
For ting, ting, ting, ting,
I can dance, and fmg,
(Step Minuet.)
IL
When the boy \ve fancy
Jolly comes to woo :
Lady gay or Nancy.
All know what to do.
Tho' mantling cheek denie~,
And language of the eyes,
When the tongue gives you words unkind,
Take in her filence the lafTes mind.
With our ting, ting, ting,
I can dance and fing.
($uick Step.)
Re-enter L'OIILLET.
L'GEillet. Here, my Lord, be de beaute Lady.
Fanny. What a monkey you are, I don't know
what you mean, by making fo much of my go-
vernefs.
Enter AUGUSTA.
Augiifta. Oh, are you here Fanny, the pidures
in that room are fo fafcinating.
Lord Tor.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 41
Lord Tor. L'CEillet has good rafte, fhe's a love-
ly creature; (bows) fervant ma'am.
Augv.ftz, Sir! (curt eft es)
Fnnny. .Mifs ! never mind this old gentleman,
he's only the houfe fteward.
Lord 'Tor. Old !
Augujla. (looking round) Somethiag in the man-
ner of the beauties at Hampton Court true, I've
been told what he is.
Fanny. What do they fay of my Lord? he, he,
he! fhe's going to abufe you. (apart)
Augujla. Fancy habits, or drawn in their real
characters ?
Lord Tor. Both, madam, they are Ladies that
his Lord {hip's heart has at times been devoted to.
Attgujl . And his Lordfhip, I prefume, has
flattered himfelf into the idea, that he was at times
in pofleffion of their hearts. (Lord Torrendel bows.)
Fanny. Now, what do you bow for ? Mifs wasn't
fpeakingof you, Mr. Old Steward.
Augujla. I was told he's very vain.
Fanny. Yes ! he's quite a conceited figure, and
as grey as a badger isn't he, Mr. Old Steward ?
(apart) I faid (he'd abufe you.
Augujla. What a fweet expreflion in that coun-
tenance ! (pointing to a piffure)
Lord Tor. Her lofs, madam, makes a chafm in
his Lordfhip's heart, never to be filled but by a
face, the lovely emblem of this collected group of
charms, (bows t her) That is Mifs Emily Wood-
bine.
Augujla. My coufin ! then am I in the houfe of
her bale deftroyer !
Lord Tor. What's the matter Madarn ?
Augujla. Not much, Sir, I'm not very well.
VOL. i. G Come,
42 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Come, Fanny! a ftar ! heavens! have I been
talking to
Lord Tor. Stay, my divine girl !
Augufta. My Lord, it ill becomes my youth,
and humble life, to offer admonition, where age
fhould be the monitor of inexperience j and exalt-
ed rank only illuftrious in virtuous example. The
veil of delicacy drops between my mind and tongue
I cannot fay what I think you : but the bitter
reproach will yet reach your heart, when your only
hope lies in pardon for a bad life, from, perhaps, a
too late repentance. [Exit.
Fanny. What, has my governefs run away! why
Mils! Mifs! [Exit.
Lord Tor. Her words have peirc'd me but I
muft have her the only being worthy to fupply
the place of my loft Emily, and banifh all other
purfuits from my mind ; from her good fenfe I (hall
enjoy rational Ibciety and from her beauty .yes,
L'CEillet muft finifh, what he has fo well begun.
[Exit.
Enter THOMAS and ROBINSON.
Robinfon. But how can 1 help this crazy Lord's
getting in.
Thomas. You never ftrove to help it, you're a
rare porter for a Nobleman ! Walk away from
the Lodge leave the door open, and let people in
that my lord has ordered to be kept our.
Robinfon. Well, for my part, I couldn't fee
that any body had a greater right than a child,
to come into his father's houfe.
Thomas. A blefTed babe this ! he treated me
with a bottle of wine juft now, but by the Harry
he made my back day the reckoning,
Arthur.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 43
Arthur, (without} Pack of icoundrels !
Thomas. Aye there he is running from room to
room. What a row we lhall have, I'll keep out
of the fcrape however. [Exit.
Enter ARTHUR.
Arthur. Prevent a dutiful fon from feeing his
honor'd parent! where's my father?
Robinfon. Why Sir, my Lord is within that's
certain ; I'm the porter, and I'm afraid I (hall
get at the wrong fide of the door, for letting you
in.
Arthur. Indeed ' you're not fit for a great man's
porter you're too honeft when a poor man
comes to his gate, your hand upon the churlifh
key obeys the voice of pity begone ! you (hall
live with me you lhall be my Almoner, and dif-
tribute my whole roafted oxen, and buts of ale
you fhall give away a couple of thoufand a year
when I get them but its dangerous for you to
know me now. Go. [Exit Robinfon.
Yes, oh by heaven my father fhall fee me, I'll
convince him I'm a good boy and I will be his
comfort, and, though he commands me to be
gone, I'll flay with him to prove my obedience.
What a pity that the omiflion of faying a few
words, before I was born, ihould prevent me from
being lawful heir to this callle ! perhaps the pride
of my father ! the darling of the tenants ! favour-
ite of the neighbours, and friend to the poor I
now, a wretched outcaft, fhunned like a faya.ge,
foe to mankind, and man at enmity with me I no
eftablifhment ! profefiion ! friend, or character,
no gentle word, no complacent fmile, every
tongue is the vehicle of coarfe reproach, and
G 2 ever
44 LIFE's VAGARIES ;
every face meets me with a chilling frown. Oh !
my father, where are vou ? (looks round ivith
grief} do not fhun me, I'll kneel, till you fpurn
ire from you that face ! (looks at a pifturi) it is
my mother. I heard of his lordfhip's gallery of
beauties quite an exhibition for every flarer :
but my dear mother fhall no more be difhonour-
ed, by making one in this unhappy collection
no, by heavens! her misfortunes fhall be no
longer the topic, for the fneering comments of
vulgarity and ill nature, (lifts the pifture down}
Timolin ! why don't you come up ? Timolin !
Enter LORD TORRENDEL, and L'CEiLLET.
Lord Tor. What uproar is this in my houfe ?
LCEillet. Sacriftie ! by dis meeting milor will
find out, I did keep all de money, he did give
me for his fon's fupport.
Lord Tor. Have you any bufmefs with me, Sir?
who are you ?
Arthur, (foils on bis knee, and points to piflure)
Sir, this was my mother. (Lord Torrendd looks
at bothy puts his handkerchief to his eyes.}
L'CEillet. Diantre! he is foftened, and I am
ruined milor, here be Mifs Augufta in de hall
ftil!. (apart)
Lord Tsr. Begone ! (pujherhim off angrily) walks
Jlo-wly and then turns) My fon, the child of Emi-
ly ! [Exit in great erne '. 'on.
Arthur. This our firft irteivcw fmce my in-
fancy ! my father not to fpeak to me ! now where
to turn I think I have fome honour but I have
wrong'd the induftiious traek'fmm what mull
tht-v think of me? fo fanguine in my hope '
all bkllcd by this father's cruelly he is cruel,
thus
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 45
thus to abandon me to the horrors of contempt,
fbame, and poverty. Many have been banifhed
their country for what I have done I deferve it-
it may come to that. Diftradion \ Oh? my fa-
ther, hear, fave me- 1 no, no, no! he's deaf to
the voice of nature. Now the florm's up, and
let it blow me as it will.
Enter TIMOLIN.
Timolin. Well, and you faw your papa ? (joy*
fully)
Arthur. Take that picture to my lodgings-
farewell father. (Calling off at thejide y turns tender-
ly to the piflure,) Ch ! my mother, (burfts into
tears) [Exeunt. Timolin with tbe fifture.
END OF THE SECOND ACT,
LIFE'* VAGARIES;
ACT III.
SCENE I.
A Street.
Enter SIR HANS BURGESS.
SIR HANS.
a fine dafhing fellow into their prifons
for hats and (hoe buckles! Sha'n't. What a
bright model this Arthur for my fon George ! yet
if he had but life and foul to fhew it, George is a
compleat and finiih'd pattern for moft of our
young men. I don't know any one thing that
my boy is not perfedt mafter of, mufic, dancing,
fencing, languages, a magazine of accomplifh-
ments: fet him to country Iports, he excels every
body ; he's as keen as an attorney, has the
courage of a maftiff, generous as the Man of
Kofs ! but hang it, all his fhining qualities cloud-
ed by want of ipirit to dafh 1 Oh, if I could but
fee him a bold free dalher !
Enter
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 47
Enter ROBIN HOOFS.
?/. Sir, who fhould pafs me juft now but
the young fquire.
Sir H. What, my fon George whifk'd by you
in a phseton ? a chaife and four ? a tandem ?
Enter GEORGE BURGESS.
George, why, what the devil's this fort of figure ?
George. Sir, how are you? (calmly)
Sir H. Spare no expence for you to appear like
a prince ; give you money to flafh in a Ihining
tour, to be here and there, before any body can
tell where you are, and when I expected you to
come, tearing up the pavement, in a phaeton as
high as the clouds, over chickens, old women,
and pigs, all the people jumping out of the way,
with huzza for the young Squire, here you fneak
into town, limping like a lame Highlander on a
march, covered with duft as if you had been danc-
ing in a canniiler of Scotch fntiff. 'Sblood, Sir !
what do you mean by this behaviour ?
George. Sir, on my leaving home you gave me
a five hundred pound note, and fix guineas;
there's your note I've ftill one pound five and
feven-pence in bank, (touching his pocket.}
Sir H. Devil's in you and your feven-pence !
I wifh you were both in the flocks you pitiful cur.
Damn me if I havn't a mind to difmherit you,
and adopt Robin Hoofs. Robin, go to the Rofe
inn, and befpeak the beft dinner they can pro-
vide for I and George and the gallant Arthur, if
we can find him. [Exit Robin H.
George.
4 3 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
George. Why, Sir, I am a little hungry, (takes
Jomething from his pocket.)
Sir H. By the Lord ! a fon of mine knawing a
cruft in the open ftreet!
George. Sir, as I paid for it at the laft alehoufe
where I fupp'd
Sir H. Supp'd at an alehoufe !
George. Yes, Sir, a neat little place, fign of the
Gcat in Boots.
Sir H. And perhaps fome of my friends, in their
coaches, faw you ?
George. Yes, Sir, Lady Beechgrove, and the
two Mifs Sandfords, drove by in a coach and
four; they didn't fee me at firft, but I faluted
them.
Sir H. Salute ladies from the Goat in Boots !
Where did your noble honour dine ? (ironical)
George. Sat upon the mile-ftone this fide Salif-
bury. (&V Hans flares. ) Sir, I had no occafion
to fhut myfelf from the open air, as J had a cou-
ple of hard eggs in my pocket.
Sir H. And I fuppofe you brought fait in your
pocket ?
George. Yes, Sir, and a* penny roll.
Sir H. His penny 'roll has choak'd me ! and
where did your honour take your bottle? (bows
ironical.}
George. True, Sir, I flipp'd off the bank into
the river, as I was getting a little water in the
brim of my hat.
Sir H. The devil take them that took you out
again .*
George. Father, the walking got me an appetite;
after my repaft, I was neither dry nor hungry ; I
drank no wine j but then I was free from an head-
ache,
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 49
ache, and, without mixing in company, my heart
was chearful.
Sir H. (afide) This gay Arthur will make him
another thing. But Dickins will have the con-
ftables after him. George, you'll give me what
information you've picked up in your tour ; how
they manage their machines and lodging houfes ;
what they do, and what they don't do, that I
may know what I ought to do.
George. Ca'n't make up that other fix-pence
oh ! the halfpenny to the boy for opening the
gate !
Sir H. Dem the boy ; come polifh yourfelf up
a little, my ward Mifs Augufta Woodbine's come
from London, and I've a certain reafon for her
thinking well of you. If (he mould fee you fo
{takes an handkerchief, and whi/ks the dujl off]
fuch an appearance, by the Lord feems as eafy
and fatisfied, as if dreft for a ball. Can nothing
make you amamed ?
George. I'll take care to do nothing that can
make me aihamed.
Sir H. Here's the Lady I'll try what efTecl
an accidental meeting may have. Now to know
what they have done with the gay Arthur ! [Exit.
George. I fear I've loft my clothes brufli.
Enter FANNY.
Fanny. Blefs me ! where can (he be ? if me
has run home, and told papa, I mall have it in
itile.
George. Fanny ! how do you do, my love ?
Fannv. My dear George ! when did you
come ? Lord ! I'm fo glad '
George. You look as charming as ever.
VOL. i. H Fanny
jo LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Fanny. Thank') e ; but, upon my word, you
don't look fo charming.
George. I iliould make myfelf a little decent.
Fanny. Then run home, and change your drefs.
George. Oh, no occafion, I've my clothes-
brufh in my pocket, (retires, brujliing his coat.)
Enter AUGUSTA.
Fanny. Oh ! governefs, I've been running
about after you.
Augujla. What could induce you to bring me
into Lord Torrendel's houfe r fure you know
that he is a very dangerous character.
Fanny. Lord, its no fuch thing, who could
have told you that? his Lordlhip has no more
pride! he's not afham'd at making one in a game
of romps, even with his own fervant maids.
Augujla. Ah, Fanny, when our fuperiors of
the other fex condefcend to affability, inftead of
exalting, it is for the purpofe of degrading us to
a ftate of the moft pitiable humiliation.
Fanny. Now don't be angry with me, I'll in-
troduce you to
GEORGE advances.
Augujla. Oh, no more ot your introductions.,
pray.
Fanny. I will, tho' ; Mifs Auqufta, this is
Augufta. A Mr. young Steward, I fuppofe.
Fanny. Ha, ha, ha ! George you don't know
what we're laughing at' (apart) Mils, don't go
tell him that I play at ihuttlecock with my Lord
in the great gallery.
Augujla. A piece of his lordfliip's condefcenfion
I didn't
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 51
I didn't know before. My guardian's fon, I pre-
fume.
George. The defcription of Mifs Augufla Wood-
bine falls fhort of what I have the happinefs to
behold, (bows) ,
Fanny. There I told you he was a frnart fellow
fometimes. Come, George, - you mall be our
chaperon about the town, but you are an odd-
looking beau.
George. I'll attend you on your rambles Ma-
dam Fanny will, you honour my arm.
[Fanny fakes his arm.
Enter ARTHUR.
Arthur . Ha ! odds. Madam, my arm is at
your fervicc. (to Augujla.)
Augufia. Do you know this Gentleman? (to
Fanny.)
Enter a Man with fruit.
Fanny. Lord, true, this is Aflembly night.
Man. Gentlemen, treat the Ladies.
George. The Ladies don't want mall we
walk r
Arthur. Quite a hound I ha! neSlarines fo ear-
ly ! Madam, (offering fi uit>)
Man. Six are a guinea.
Arthur. There ! (gives money.)
Augujla. Oh ! Sir, by no means.
George. Mifs, an apple Fanny ! (offering)
Arthur. Thefe are Angels, not Eves, to be
tempted by yonr paltry pippins, (knocks them
about.)
George. Sir, what d'ye mean ? (angry)
H 2 Enter
52 LIFE'S VAGARIES ;
Enter a Woman and Child.
Woman. Good Gentlemen and Ladies, I've a
fick hufband lying in prifon.
George. For debt? what is it? (apart)
Woman. Above eighteen {hillings.
George, (loud] Pray go don't teize people ;
their diftrefs is only the confequence of idlenefs.
I'd never encourage beggars there, go (gives
money apart.} plaguing one.
Woman. Sir, it's a guinea !
George. Well, don't trouble one now. (loud)
Get your hufband out of prifon, and comfort
your ch ild . (apart ; Jlngs carelefsly, and puts them off. )
Augujla. What's this?
Fanny. Blefs you, governefs, he is always do-
ing thefe kind of things. He'd grudge himfelf a
penny cheefecake, yet maintains and clothes
half the poor round ; he's king of a fmall ifland
near his father's feat, who is fuch a ftingy old
curmudgeon.
Arthur. What a pitiful fcoundrel am I. My
guinea nectarines, and little penny-worth of
pippins, with the benevolent heart of a god! Sir,
if I dare beg the honour of your acquaintance
I haven't a card, but I'm over at
George. Sir, I'll put down your addrefs ; (takes
out his pencil) points broke (takes out pert-knife}
cutting it away waftes (puts up both} Oh, Sir,
I'll remember/
Fanny. What fignifies your bowing there?
come and pay fome attention to me.
Arthur, (looking at Augujla. ) How charming !
what a block am I, talking half an hour to a
lady, and never look at her!
Augujla.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 53
Augu/ta. Fanny, we muft be walking -towards
your papa's.
Fanny. But you hav'n't feen our ball-room
here.
Arthur. Ball-room ! Ladies, do you know I'm
a moft capital dancing-mafter ? harkye, my
worthy friend, a word.
George. Oh i Sir, as many as you ^"pleafe.
\Exeunt.
Fanny. Lord ! that rattle there has dragged
George up into the Affembly-room ; I hope its
not to fight if he goes to fight, George will
kill him. (a fiddle heard above.) That's he! I know
his fweet little finger.
Augufta. What an aftonifhing refemblance !
Fanny, did you ever fee any likenefs of this
ftrange gentleman ?
Fanny. Ah ! the image of Mifs Woodbine's
picture ! its Lord TorrendeFs great boy.
Augufta. The neglefted fon of my unhappy
goufm !
Enter TIMOLIN.
Timolin. To drive him in forrow from his
doors! my poor matter now is funk in grief and
woe.
Arthur, (without) Bravo ! (enters finging) La-
dies, 'pon my word, my friend is an excellent
ftick ; his refpe6ts to you, Mifs, and my moil
humble adoration to you, Madam, we'll have a
little dance above.
Augujla. Oh, Sir ! no, no ! come Fanny.
Fanny. Lud! it would be fine fun, governefs
don't you fee how cloudy it gets; I'm lure there
will be a mower, and if I walk thro' the rain, you,
as my governefs, ought to be very angry with me.
Arthur.
54. LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Arthur. Fye, Ma'am, wou'd you fpoil your
drefs ? we (hall have a dafhing fhower.
[Fanny holds out her band.
Augufla. No, indeed ! come Fanny.
Arthur. You, Sir, where's my mother ?
Timolin. With your father. I left the picture
in the porter's lodge; for the Frenchman has
turn'd away the porter for letting you ia.
Arthur. Go back, and bring it to my lodgings,
or I'll maffacre you. (a fiddle heard without) we'll
be with you, boy.
Fanny. But, Sir, as that young man plays,
where's my partner ?
Arthur. I'll whiflle, fing, and dance, all in a
breath, (puts an arm round each, and runs /;/.)
Timolin. (wJriftlcs} A pity that Chriftians hav'n't
a laughing and crying fide to their faces ; for in a
comfortable fit of forrow, up ftarts fomething to
give us an he. he, he ! and when the mouth's
opened for a grin, up goes the finger in the eye
with an ho, ho, ho ! but my face muft take the
humour and fortunes of my mafter ; in the road of
life the fmall muft follow the great, and that's the
reafon the big coach-wheel runs after the little
one. [Exit.
SCENE II.
The Inn.
Enter LANDLADY, introducing LADY TORRENDEL,
and. Miss CLARE.
Laud'ady . Won't you pleafe to reft, Ma'am ?
L/idy Ttr. I thank you, but fo long fhut up in
a
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 55
a carriage, one fhould reft walking. Mifs Clare,
will you be fb kind as to afk the footman if I've
left my memorandum-book in the coach ? (exit
Mifs Clare) Some handfome equipages about
here! have you many gentry in the town ?
Landlady. Oh, yes Ma'am, we've a Lord, and
Knight, and a power of Squires.
Re-enter Miss CLARE.
Mifs Clare. Here, Ma'am, is the book.
Lady Tor. Oh! I thank you.
Landlady, I'll haften the horfes. [Exit.
Lady Tor. My Lord had a feat in this part of
the country, and I think a banking agent of his
lives in this town, (looks in the book) Mr. Dickins,
yes, very true.
Mifs Clare. This feems a charming place, my
Lady!
Lady Tor. It is ! I wim my Lord hadn't part-
ed with it ! the caftle and its delightful environs
were the tranquil fcenes of my moft happy
hours! after marriage our firft years were pafs'd
here, and tho' there was title on his fide, and
great wealth on mine, yet ours was not a match
of fafliion ! neither ambition on my part, or (I
think) avarice on his ; very young to be fure,
but then I was a little philosopher, tho' bred in
the full brilliant certainty of every dazzling joy
that riches cou'd beftow, yet my fight was
proof againft the glare of fplendor. My Lord
was gay, accomplish 'd, and the generoiity of a
youthful mind repell'd ail idea of advantage in
our union.
Mifs Clare. Ah, Madam ! any Gentleman muft
think himfeif pofTeis'd of every advantage in a
union with your Lady (hip.
Lady
56 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Lady "Tor. I with I had myfelf gone to Lifbon
with my Lord j this journey feems fo tedious,
and then the uncertainty of the feas ; thro' his
indifpofition he may want that tender cordiality,
his claim from me ; I'm all anxiety to proceed.
Enter COACHMAN.
Coachman. Madam the horfes are too, but docs
your Ladyfliip know my Lord's here ?
Lady Tor. Here ! how ! what do you mean ?
Coachman. In this very town my Lady, I met
cur old Martha.
Lady Tor. Impofiible ! return'd to England !
fomething very myfterious
Dick, (without) Well, what is it ?
' L'CEillet. (witbeut) I cannot talk my Lor's bu-
iinefs in public entre.
Lady Ttr. Eh, why fure that is my Lord's
valet.
Mifs Clare. It certainly is, Madam.
Lady Tor. Hufh, ftep this way, Heavens ! oh,
my heart well Martha you fay tell me (agi-
tated). [Exeunt.
Enter DICKINS and L'CEiLLET.
Dick. Really, fince my Lord's lofty conduct
to me, I fliall give up his affairs. I've my agen-
cies, and my bank to mind.
L'CEillet. Bank! vat! de little till in your
boutique ? you had better fend challenge to mi
Lor twell and puff! ina foi! c'eft comique ca !
let mi Lor take his money out of your bank,
den vat is your bladder of confequence.
Dick. 'Sbloocl I don't want any body to take
their money out of mv bank.
I'GE/Y-
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 57
VCEillet. Here be a frefh pacquet of letters.
Dick. Which I am to forward, as ufual, to
Lady Torrendel in Cumberland.
L'CEllht. I have date 'em, fo as to make mi
Lady believe my Lor ftill at Lilbon.
Dick. To keep the unfufpecling wife cool
amongft the lakes there, whilil the gallant huf-
band enjoys his rofe-buds in his pleafure grounds
here.
L'CEillet. Mi Lor, to fpare himfelf from wri-
ting, ftill finefle de fprain hand, and trouble me
vid de vife fo dere I ave writ dat whole bundle
for her at vonce. I ave upon my mind des af-
faires d'importance to get de pretty girl for mi
Lor.
Dick. And I, as a magiftrate, have to fend this
young dog to prifon, who has been taking up
the tradefmen's goods.
LCEillet. Magiftrate ! fi done ! petit bourgeois
you huff abaut pah ! [Exit.
Dick. Who cares for your paw, or your four
claws, you outlandifli cockatoo ! I muft fend thefe
one by one, which firft ?
Re-enter LADY TORRENDEL (unperceived}.
Lady Tor. My Lord in England all this time !
Dick. Dated this day to Lady Torrendel.
Lady Tor. How's this ! (aftde)
Dick. Then to give time for her to fuppofe it
came from her Lord at Lifbon, where he has
not been at all, her Ladyfhip fhall have this in
about a month.
Lady Tor. A little fooner, if you pleafe, Sir. (ad-
vancing.)
Dick. My Lady herfelf ! (drops the letters and
VOL. i. ' I exit
5 8 LIFE'S VAGARIES ;
exit ccnfufed. Enter Mifs Clare ; picks them tip and
prefents.}
Lady Tor. (opening ani) Separate himfelf from
me by fuch a complicated feries of invention,
and by fallacious accounts of his ill-health, keep
me in perpetual uneafinefs ! cruel man! make
me believe he had fold his eftate here, 'yet re-
tain it only for the bafe purpofe of converting a
fpot (that brings to my mind the fvveet recollec-
tion of delight, and innocence) into a contami-
nated retreat for licentious, guilty, fordid plea-
fures! you charg'd the coachman not to mention
who i am ? but I fear that now is too late.
Mifs Clare. No, Ma'am, for his own difcre-
tion fuggefled the neceflity of that, before I men-
tioned it tohim.
Lady Tor. Do you think too, if the people of
this houfe know it, I can engage them to keep
my arrival a fecret.
Mifs Clare. The woman promifes that, for tho'
my Lord fpends fo much money, he's no fa-
vourite in the town, from the knowledge of his
ill ufage to your Lady mi p,
Lady Tor. I wou'dn't have him defpifed ; but
how to gain full and certain proofs ? to put be-
yond all doubt his motive for fecreting himfelf
here ?
Mifs Clare. So far I have taken the liberty of
anticipating your Ladyfhip's wilh. I have alk'd
Martha
Lady Tor. My good friend ! a thoufand thanks!
I'm charm'd with your zeal. Yes, it is my wifh;
what! Martha will convey me privately into the
Caftle ? delightful ! I think none of his fervants
know me here, but his French Secretary. Write
to me by a fervant ! net open my Letters ! un-
kind !
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 59
kind! ungrateful! but then, to (leal upon him,
it's afevere trial I'm faint ! but I muft fummon
fortitude ! they'll fee I've been weeping ; come
[Exeunt.
SCENE III.
A Parlour /# Die KINS' s: large Books lying on the
table.
i
Enter JOHN and TRADESMEN.
John. Step in, only flop a moment, my maf-
ter will be in directly, and take all your infor-
mations. You know I .can do nothing in it.
\_Exit.
ifl Man. The young Gentleman is thought-
lefs and wild, but I believe's there not much
harm in him.
2d Man. I don't think I can find in my heart
to pi ofecute, if the affair is likely to affect his
life.
3d Man. He's but a bad one I fear, yet I'd
not hang a man for all the boots I'm worth.
Enter DICKINS.
Dick, So, the Lady has got into the Caftle.
fhe'll trim his gay lordfhip yes, (he has Hole a
march upon him he fha'n't hear of it from me.
Oh what curtain lectures, perhaps a divorce,
then maybe he'll marry my Fanny, (afide) A
pretty buiinefs this young buck
2d Man. If he can raife the money to pay me
I don't wifli to hurt him.
Dick.
6q LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Dick. Pay you, oh ! I fhall lofe my fees ! (ajide)
You felfifti man, would you compound a felony :
Some revenge upon the father, to have the great
family-name of D'Aumerle down in a Mittimus.
Enter CONSTABLE.
Fellow, where's your pris'ncr ?
Conft. Pleafe your worfhip, he be dauncing
he defired me to gi' you this bit of paper.
Dick. I fend you for a thief, and you bring
me a bit of paper ! he be dauncing ! (reads)
" Lord Arthur D'Aumerle'* compliments to Juf-
tice Dickins, is now engaged with fome Ladies,
but after another dance will wait upon" dance !
Con/1. Yez, there bes young Squire Burgefs
got fiddling, and Mifs Fanny, they be jigging it
up rarely.
Dick. My daughter! is this the firft leflbn
from her new Cover nefs ! but you ftupid fcoun-
drel, I fuppofe you took a bribe.
Conft. Noa, Sir, I only took Half-a-crown.
Dick. How dare you, only a Conftable, med-
dle with the Juflice's bufinels. A notorious of-
fender ; charged with crimes of life and death !
he come! no! he'll abicond we fha'n't fee him
in a hurry.
Arthur, (without) I want the Juftice !
Dick. Why, that's he, but you find no Juftice
here (cfide) 1 muft examine the culprit in form ;
you, lirrah !" John, what are you about in the
ihop, when 1 want you in my office? weighing
raifins and pepper; dov/u with the fcalcs and
balance, and bring my great books, and my
ink-Hand, aye ! and I'll take my chocolate here.
(Cbo-
OR, T HE NEGLECTED SON. 61
(Chocolate, &c. brought in-, Dickins places books, puts
on wig, and fits. [Exit Conftable.
Enter ARTHUR.
Arthur. I've finifh'd our Coranto in a quick
ftep, and, with a kifs hand to the Ladies, have
flown to receive your commands.
Dick, (afide) Now, is this folly, impudence,
courage, or generofity ?
Arthur. Upon the information of the butter'd
muffins, Juftice Dickins, I prefume - Cjits en
the talle^ and eats.)
Dick. Sir, upon the information of the C nf-
table, a great rogue I prefume but 'pon honor
I didn't expect you.
Arthur. Oh ! then Sir, your mod obedient !
Dick. Stop ! (top ! is this the man that took
your goods ?
Trade/man. Yes !
Dick. Enough ! write his mittimus you all
prolccute; what's your name Mr. - .
Arthur. Lord Arthur D'Aumerle.
Dick. Aliis Duke of Dunftabie, alias Captain,
alias Major.
Arthur. Was my fat K.- Ttill in the army, I'd
have enliiled a common >! .ier ni his own regi-
ment then thv- v/orld njignt have laid, thei 's
Lord Torrendei's ion <.\m-v ini; aknipUck but
row let it fay, a parent infers his child to lie in
prifoa for the :. . \ !i r e. C ^u'dn'c yc-u
carry :~ne to L; lol till' ?
Dick. ConiL 4i ive my authority, ta'<e
him.
Enter
Sz LIFE's VAGARIES ;
Enter SIR HANS.
Sir H. No man in England mall take him.
My prince of bold actions, what are they going
to do with you ?
Dick. Conduct him to prifon !
Sir H. I'll bail him.
Arthur. Pray be quiet, Sir.
Sir //. I wo'n't de quiet. Sir.
Dick. But, here's an aflault and battery muft
be bound over to keep the peace for a year and
a quarter no, a year and a day.
Sir H. I'll anfwer for him ! aye, two thoufand
pounds! there's my namej fill up the inltru-
ment. (ftgns")
Dick. Oh! very well: he'll fave his neck, and
you'll lofe your money let him ouc now, and
catch him again if you can.
Arthur. Does your little rafcally foul conceive
I'd let a friend fuffer for an act of benevolence,
and to myfelf? No! human laws may puniih
other crimes ; but, let the hotteft bolt of hea-
ven ftrike ingratitude.
Tnnolln. (without) Sweet Mr. Conftable, 'pon
my (alvation I didn't
Re-enter CONSTABLE, with TIMOLIN (frifoner).
Confl. Meafter, here be's an accomplifh.
Timolin. I'm not accomplifh'd, I'm quite a bog
trotter, (crying)
ConJL The picture that was robb'd out of
Dickins. What, you found it upon him ?
ConJL Upon his very head.
Dick. You notorious criminal !
'Titttflin.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 63
Timolin. My inafter to be jumping about with
Ladies, and leave me oh ! my dear Sir
(rum to Arthur. Tradefmen ivhijfer. Timclin t
pointing to Sir Hans] did he ! then plaife your
honour, will you be bound bail for me too?
Sir H. For you ! pardon me.
Timolin, No, Sir! alk them to pardon me.
Enter GEORGE.
George. Mr. Dickins, I'm making up a fmall
fum, there was change coming to me yefterday
when I bought the half-pound of Six-fhilling
Souchong, I'll thank you for it, it was nine-
pence.
Dick* Confound your nine- pence, Sir, come
into Cpurt for your nine-pence.
Sir H. And burn your Souchong.
Arthur. Come, Come, ray fuper-excellent
friends, you mould know each other. I have
not the honor of knowing your name, Sir, but
give me leave to introduce you to Sir Hans Bur-
geft, an exceeding worthy Gentleman, who has
a fon, a mean fpirited young foaken fot that gets
tipfey with water ,and dines on bread and cheefe
at the Goat in Boots. Sir Hans, this i"s Mr.-
however, he has a foul to relieve poor Debtors
out of prifon, yet has a father, the very devil of
an * old avaricious Curmudgeon."
George. Now, Sir, Give me leave to introduce
my hither, (pointing to Sir Hans]
Sir H. My Lord, My Son, (prefenting George}
Arthur. Eh ! (furprtfed and ccnfvjed)
George. Oh, my friend, where's the fine picture
I faw on your head, (to Timolin.']
Dick. There he (aw it on his head, Swear it.
(to George j
Sir H
64 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Sir H. Get along you rafcal, an Informer too.
(pujhes him off.}
Dick. Take away your prifoner.
Arthur. I'll bail my fervant.
Dick. You ! a rare fhadovv ! ah ! friend, I
know you. Thanks to the noble Lord Torren-
del's gallantries, we've twenty fuch Lords cut-
ting cabbages, and drudging for oyfters, down
at Sandgate IQand but becaufe your mother
had a pretty face^ a great fortune, and no vir-
tue
Arthur. Throw a reflection on my honour'd
parent ! defame the facred memory of the dead
the only univerfal epitaph (hould be obli-
vion to the frailties of humanity ! Pll murder
him, by heavens!
Timolin. No occafion to fwear, you've faid it,
and you'll do it.
Sir H. Hold ! the devil's in you , break the
peace, and I lofe my two thoufand pounds.
Arthur. True, my clear friend. --oh ! I burn
with fury but your Woi (hip's wig can't fwear
a battery, (twirls //) There's Burn's Juftice,
Blackftone, and Coke upon Littleton, (knocks
'books about] Come along, Timolin,
Timolin. Mafter, ftay for metake me
Sir H. Oh ! what a bright model for my fon
George !
[Exeunt all, Conftable with Timolin.
END OF ACT THE THIRD,
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 65
ACT IV.
SCENE I.
An antique Room in LORD TORRENDEL'S
Enter CONSTABLE, and L'GEiLLET, fujlnng in Ti-
MOLIN.
L'CElLLET.
XHERE, you ftay faft, coquin ! fuch audace
of robbery, take furniture and pictures out of
my Lor's houfe !
Timolin. I'm more guilty than my Mafter, as
the receiver is worfe than the thief.
Conft. Who is your m~3er, the receiver?
/peak !
Timolin. Friend, you may take me for a robber,
if you will; but you man't prove me an in-
former, becaufe I've a regard for my character.
LCEillet. Stay there till we find Mr. Dickin,
de juftice, to fend you to jail; be merry with
that table and chair j forry to difgrace make a
VOL. i. K brown
66 LIFE'S VAGARIES.
brown bear of my chamber there fit and fing
" de charge is prepared, de lawyers are met."
[Exit fwging.
TimoHn. I wifh they had crammed me into a
jail at once, and not thruft me into this difmal
top of a caftle. Oh did my poor mother ever
think that, before I died, I mould get myfelf
hanged for a thief? Lord Arthur! Lord Ar-
thur! unlucky was the day that Mr. Felix Ti-
molin hired to be your fervant man. (leeks at
the table] Here's letteis and papers, fcribble Icrab-
ble, eh ! why, this is my Lord's own hand I re-
member it by one of his Franks " To Monfieur
L'CEillet." What does he write to his fervants;
but what's all this to me; no way to get out of
window, may be in this clolet. [Retires.
Enter at a private door, LADY TORRENDEL, and
MARTHA.
Martha, (furprifed] Why, I vow my Lady, this
is the valet's room, and none of us ever knew
this door to it.
Lady Tor. I think, Martha, I remember the
caftle better than you, who have lived in it fo
long. Out of that door there's a ftair-cafe to
my Lord's dreffing-room, where I'll wait till he
comes in. I'd wim to know a little more before
I fee him. Rather mean this lurking about and
tampering with fervants but no hope of re-
claiming him, except he's certain I know what
then will be out of his power to deny, (aftde)
My Lord rode out you fay ; fecmed difcompoied ?
well, not a word that I'm here, (Exit Martha]
this houfe fecms ail wild, no regularity, peace,
or the comforts of a home, but the gratification
of
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 67
of paflions which reafon and nature nowfhould
fubdue, reconciles him to inquietude, meannefs,
and dimonour. So, this, room now belongs to
his vile agent ! it was formerly put to a better
purpofe this is the very room that I converted
into a fchool for the poor infant ruftics. Here the
young mind was trained to virtue and induflry
here now, are, perhaps, plans laid to corrupt
and deftroy the fweet rofe of innocence! Eh,
who's here !
Re-enter TIM o LIN.
Timolin. No, looks into a deep court. Oh,
I'm very high up, they've double locked the
door, (trying it] Oh dear ! oh dear ! (fits}
Lady Tor. Dos'nt feem one of the family !
(aJM)
Ttmolin. This letter, from my Lord to Moa-
fieur, Tve a ft rong curiofity to fee.
Lady Tor. How ! as I'm here on a voyage of
difcovery, the fight of that might prepare me
better for this dreaded interview with my Lord.
(afidi)
Tinwlin. It's ungenerous to look into another
man's letter, only I'd like to fee the taftieft mode
of writing. I'm told its not the fafhion now to
crofs the t's, and put little tittles on the i's ; no
harm to fee that fure (reads} " The fight of
this boy has troubled me exceedingly !" Boy !
oh, that's my matter j (reading) "Probably, I
fhan't be home before evening, but if you can
contrive to get Augufta into your power, the
better. She may be brought down to Sandgate
ifland" Oh> here's villany I here's viliany !
K 2 Lady
68 LIFE'S VAGARIES,
Lady Tor. (afide) Some poor intended victim !
My coming at fuch a time is highly fortunate.
Tlmolin (reads}. " Pray have an eye upon
that Arthur's ill-looking Irifhman" Oh, that
crowns his rogueries " No harm to keep Au-
gufta under lock and key." I'll keep this proof
of their wickednefs, and if they talk of hanging
me for a bit of an old picture, I'll bring it out
to their fhabby red faces ill looking Irimman.
(fees Lady Tsr.} What! then they have locked
you up ? you mod unhappy beautiful foul.
Lady Tor. He takes me for the prefent object
of purfuit! by giving into this miftake, I may
difcover fome more of my huiband's atchieve-
ments. (aftde) Are you his Lordfhip's emiflary ?
Timslin. I, Mifs ! I defpife fuch doings:
Lady Tor. I believe it j your face fpeaks ho-
nefty.
Ttmol'm. Then it fpeaks truth, and the devil
himfelf (han't make it tell a lie.
Lady Tor. But, who are you ?
Ttmo/in. My mafter is his Lordfliip's fon that's
at this initant fhifting about, and can't get a beef-
fteak without venturing his neck for it.
Lady Tor. True Martha told me of this un-
happy deftitute youth Oh, hufband ! falfe to
me, and unnaturally cruel to the offspring of
your follies,
Timolin. Mifs, I'll afore you, Lord Arthur is
as brave a little boy
Lady Tor. And bears his forlorn ftate with
meekncfs antf refignation ?
Timolin. Oh yes, Mifs, he's as meek and gen-
tle ah, hem !
Lady Tor. (afide}. Poor youth, he has a fa-
ther, and yet an orphan ! Then he fhall find a
friend
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 69
friend in me though not mine, he belongs lo
the man I flill love ! but to continue this decep-
tion cou'd you contrive any means for me to
fly this manfion of fliame and ruin? (anoifs with-
out)
Timolin. Offer to touch her, and, by the
mighty powers of heaven, I'll flay you. (Jnatcbcs
up a chair).
Lady Tor. Ah ! (runs in. The door bur ft open.)
Enter ARTHUR.
Arthur. Suffer me to perifh, and imprifon my
faithful fquire for his attachment ! Put ycur
arms a-kimbo, firrah, ftump down thofe great
flairs with your hat on, and let me fee who dares
fquint at you Oh 1 that lovely divine Au-
gufta!
Timolin. What! then you've feen her, Sir
(winks ', and points of where Lady Torrendel went.}
Arthur. What do you tiand winking and
making faces there, firrah ? come out.
Timolin. But there's fomebody elie loek'd up.
Arthur. Kick up your legs boldly, no matter
whofe fhins are in the way.
Timolin. But, Sir
Arthur. By'r leave there for Mr. Timolin.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
A Street.
Enter SIR HANS, and GEORGE.
Sir. H. Aye ! and well George ? (joyful)
George
-o LIFE'S VAGARIES;
George. We had a dance, Sir.
Sir If. As if he had faid we had a funeral.
'Sblood ! man, fay we had a dance, (capers)
Arthur was mafter of the ceremonies you
fhuffled it away ? eh, boy ?
George. Yes, Sir, I was'nt afraid to Qiuffle, for
1 had my thick walking (hoes on.
Sir II. Shoes! afies' hoofs! I believe they're
half an inch thick.
George. Sir, they're near an inch, (aftde) I muft
fee if the poor woman has releafed her hufband.
Sir H. George, then 'twas you rafp'd up the
fiddle for them ?
George. Yes, Sir, fo \ve had no fiddler to pay.
<////. Pfha ! I'd hire Handel's anniverfaiy
band to fee you dance the Cameronian Kant
with Augufta. This fcheme of leaving her at
large wo'nt do fhe'll be fnapt up. Gad, yon-
der flie is I muft clench this bufinefs. \Vhy
do you put on that difmal look, firrah ?
George. I was thinking, father, of the cruelty
in keeping people in piiion for fmall debts above
2 twelvemonth however ; liberty's fo fweet,
they'd purchafe-itif in their power, if not, hard
to punHh a man for only being unfortunate.
Sir H. Here comes Mifs Augufta, Devil's in
your thick foal'd (hoes !
Enter AUGUSTA, and FAN-NY.
Augujla. That man certainly whifpered fomc-
thing difagreeable that caufed the abrupt depar-
ture of Lord Arthur.
Fanny- Dear no, he's a very civil foul, why
'twas papa's conftable. Oh if here is'nt George.
Sir H. Your waiftcoat's buttoned all crooked
r.o
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 71
no powder in yourhair by the lord ! you look
like the duftman. (apart] Well Mifs, how do
you like your new fituation ? ftop, I wan: to
ipeak to you.
Fanny. Stop, he wants to fpeak to us how da
you do, George ?
Sir H. Ha! very free with George! (afide)
Mils Woodbine, I've your good at heart. Your
uncle's whim, in taking his fortune from you,
makes you an object of companion.
Augufta. Many would rather be an object of
envy but, to my thinking, an humble itate is
preferable to affluence, built upon the rui of
unmerited adverfity.
Sir H. (afide) Made for each other! George,
to her in her own way out with your hand-
kerchief, and cry for the poor debtors, (afar:)
My fon, Mifs is fo happy to fee to be with
you
Fanny. Happy to fee her ? but I'm fure its no
fuch thing.
Sir H. He expreflfed great joy at your coming
fo opportunely.
Gecrge. Opportunely indeed! (looking a' bis
flecking) Mils, could you lend me a needle and
thread ?
Sir H. <fO along, fortune ! 1*11 bind you ap-
prentice to a taylor.
Augufta. You're happy, Sir, in having a fon of
fo much frugality for his years.
t>ir H. Frugal ma'ann ! he's the mod extrava-
gant
Fanny. I fee now he only wmts them to like
each other, I mult prevent this.
y/> H. Why, loot now, with his coat over
his
72 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
his knuckles ; he has on lace ruffles at three gui-
neas a pair. Pull down your ruffles, (pulls
George's ivrijlbands down) by the lord ! he has got
into a hopfack. What have you done with all
the fine linen and lace I fent you ?
George. The lace was too fine for ufe but
the Holland made foft child-bed linen for a
oor curate's wife.
Sir H. Yes, madam, the bifhop's lady was the
good woman in the ftraw. He is very frolick^
fome it's a fhame for you to be fuch a buck.
Fanny. Mifs, George is no buck ! he's a mere
milk fop, an't you George ?
Sir H. Get away you little devil, who wants
your prate, (apart} Mifs, we'll conceal your lofs of
fortune from my fon he's fo proud fee how he
throws his head about, (apart ; George, with An-
gufta's cafli, you can do fuch pretty charities ! Son,
this lady is worth one hundred thoufand pounds.
Fanny. George, fhe's only my governefs, and
as poor borrowed five millings from me juft
now to releafe her box from the waggon fay
you did. apart to Augufla)
Sir H. Get along you little bufy thing, (apart
to Fauny) You know, ma'am, you're an immenfe
fortune.
Augufta. Sir, I am neither ambitious of com-
panion or ridicule.
Sir H. George, never mind fhe's very rich.
Aitgitfta. Oh no, Sir !
Sir H. Madam, you're a Jew.
Fanny. My governefs is not a Jew, fhe has
more religon than the bifhop.
Sir //. ^The devil's in me, if I don't make
your father pull your ears! Mifs, my fon hns
a moil
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 73
a moft liberal mind, a foul of magnificent extra-
vagance.
George. Madam, my father is only jetting.
Fanny. True, George, now that's very good,
of you, Sir Hans is always making his fun of
every body.
Sir H. Overthrowing my whole fcheme.
(aftde) Hop home you little magpie ! (to Fanny)
George. Madam, be affured, I efleem ceconomy
the firit virtue.
Hir H. Then the devil's in you both ! but it's
you, you prating monkey, has done it all ; you,
you rafcal, with your ceconomy and afles' hoofs,
truffdown to Sampfliire Hall; and you, Mifs,
ftalk with your poverty to Mr. Dickins, the
banker's.
George. Madam, your humble fervant ! (bows
and exit]
Sir H. Civil fcoundrel ! fome mad gander will
tuck her and her fortune under his wing, and fly
offtQ Gretna Green.
Fanny. George fent down to the rocks, oh !
oh ! then I know where fomebody will go. (afide)
Sir Hans, your moft obedient, good morning to
you, Sir ! (curtfys and exit}
Sir H. Oh very polite Ma'am, but I wifhyou
had dropt your curtfy half an hour ago.
dugufia. (looking out) The forlorn thoughtlefs
Arthur ! Sir, tell me is Mifs Woodbine's fonmy
uncle's heir ? then why not inftantly extricate
him, from the embarraffing perplexities that muft
end in his deftruction.
Sir H. What fon ? (looking out) The gay Ar-
thur ! true, Lord Torrendel's ; (afide) oh oh ! I
fufped there's love here this was her dancing
VOL. i. L partner
74 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
partner. My dear, as to affeclion and all that,
this Arthur.
Augujla. Sir, I am only interefted for him, on
account of ray coufin Woodbine.
Sir H. Right ! for his heart is engaged to a
girl he told me all over a glafs of hock.\dugufta
agitated) (afide^ Yes ! fhe likes him then, in
one word, Mifs Augufta, my dear, I'll not part
with you, till I fee you and my fon fairly cou-
pled.
Arthur, (without} Sir Hans ! (enters)
Sir H. Yes, Sir! paft three, (exit with Au-
gufta)
Arthur. Paft three! Don't much like his
avoiding me, and taking the lady. His bail-
bond may keep me from limbo but muftn't rob
me of paradife either.
Enter TIMOLIN.
Run, firrah, after Mifs Augufta, and
Timolin. Back again to your father's ?
Arthur. You will perfift, we left Angufta there ;
(tears a leaf from his pocket-book, and writes with
pencil) if I can but obtain the love of this charm-
ing girl, {he's fo beautiful, elegant but then,
very modeft ; I muft engage her affections Ti-
molin, run with this letter.
Timolin. With what ?
Arthur. Stop to afk queftions with your hows
and whats run, take this letter to the young
lady.
Timolin. I'll give no letters to ladies. Do you
want, Sir, to carry on your father's profligate
rigmarols? but you don't make a French Moun-
feer
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 75
fe er of me for the fpirit of Mr. Timolin is a peg
above that, I affure you.
Arthur. Walk back, if you pleafe, into Caftle
Quod.
Timolin. Then 'pon my word, I won't.
Arthur. How ! do you object to go into prifon
when I defire you ? begone ! I difcharge you.
Timolin. Oh ! Sir, I difcharge myfelf, and
there's a receipt for my wages, (fnaps his fingers)
I'd hazard my life, to procure you what you
might again repay but, helping you to take the
innocence you can never return, is beneath the
foul of Mr. Felix Timolin. \Exit
Arthur. I've loft him. I had no conception of
this mighty Irifli honour of his brave foul. He
has had moral, from his ruftic parent in his mud
cabin ; but, I never knew a father's kind precept
or good example.
Enter COACHMAN, furveys ARTHUR at a diftance.
What does this fellow eye me for.
Coachman. My lady fent me to know his per-
fon yes ' that's he, very well. [Exit.
Arthur. You're no Coachman, my friend,
you're a bailiff they take all difguifes. [Exit.
SCENE III.
A Walk near Lord Torrendel's
Enter L'CEILLET.
L'CEilkt. To divert mi Lor from de thought
of
"}6 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
of dis tapageur fon of his, I mufl get ofFMifs Au~
gufta for him ; but, to fee more of this letter
of inftru&ion, {feeling his pockets} eh ! oh ! I
have left it on the table in my room Thomas
have borrow Sir Hans's livery to carry her mam
meflage ; but if dere be danger, we yet want
fome ftrong, able, defperate
Enter TIMOLIN, melancholy.
Timotin. I couldbe contented with one dinner
in three days, becaufe it's a thing I've practis'd
with fome fuccefs but, my poor dear mafter
L'OEillet. Oh ! you be got out, where I did lock
you
Timolin. Here, lock me up again ; for now
I've loft my mafter, I don't care where I am.
DCEillef. I fuppofe you be not overcharg'd vid
money, and I take it you be fripon in your cha-
racter, roguery be the leading feature.
Timolin. I judge that your nofe is your lead-
ing feature ib I take it. (advancing) I, a rogue !
produce a proof that I'm one.
DCEillet. Here be a ftirling proof. (/hews money.)
Timolin. So, becaufe you've money, you've a
right to call a poor man out of his name.
DCEillet. (gives it) Dere now, call me out of
my name.
Timolin. (looking at it) Then, you're an ho-
neft man and a genteel noble lad. If I can find
my lord, this will carry us back to town, (going)
L'CEillet. Arrete ! dat is for fervice you vill
do me. (looking out') Milor ! go ! dat footman
vill tell you vat it be. Belides, more reward, if
you mould be taken up again for little peccadil-
loz, milor's inteieft vill releafs you, Allez!
'Tim-
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 77
Timolin. Paid for doing good before hand !
I've gold and a clear confcience, two compa-
nions that are feldom together now a day's.
[Exit.
Enter LORD TORRENDEL.
Lord Tor. That fellow of Arthur's ftill lurking
about here!
L'CEHIet. Arthur's fervant ' pefte ! quelle bal-
lourdife ! I have made fine confidante in my
Lor's fcheme. (afidi)
Lord Tor. I hope you hav'nt let this affair go
further than thofe already concerned?
L'CEHIet. Oh! no, my Lord! if he knew I had
employed this Irifhman, I am undone, (afide)
Lord Tor. You've warned the porter how he
admits them again ?
L'CEHIet: Ah, my Lor, he vill find hard to
admit himfelf.
Lord Tsr. L'CEillet, I've improved upon your
plan. Thomas's being in Sir Hans's livery may
not be fufficient to perfuade Augufta, that me
is really fet for by him now if you could bor-
row Sir Hans's poft chaife, that would effectually
remove fufpicion make any excufe, he'll be glad
to oblige me.
L'CEillet, Here I go for Sir Hans's coach to
<:arry off Mifs Augufta, and have fet Thomas and
de Irifhman to talke her off vid horfes. (a/ide)
Lord Tor. Why, you don't feem over hearty
in the caufe now ?
L'CEillet. Oh! I'm devote to your Lorfhip's
fervice.
Lord
7 8 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Lord Tor. Once wheedled into the carriage, a
pretext is foon found to get her to Sandgate
IHand.
L'CEittef. Ah ! mais ceft que ceft excellent ca !
Lord Tor. About it now I fliall be there be-
fore you. {Exit.
L'CEillet. Pardi ! dis is lucky for now I vill
do it myfelf. I vifh tho' I cou'd meet vid dis
maroufle, to hinder him meddle in de affair
dat malheureux Irilh tief vili do me fome mif-
chief. [Exif.
SCENE IV.
A Road.
Enter TJMOLIN, and THOMAS, in SIR HANS'S Li-
very.
Timolin. Well, Mr. Thomas, I know all your
plan, now you've told me. So here you've
borrowed Sir Hans r s livery from one of his fer-
vants, and you're to go and tell Mifs Augufta,
he has fent you for her but, as you may be a
cowardly kind of a chap, the Mounfeer has bid
me aililt you with my tight bit of an arm. Hufh !
here flie comes.
Thomas. I thought fhe was a little girl juft
left fchool.
Timolin. I don't know, whether fhe goes to
fchool or no but, this is the very Mifs Au-
gufta, that was lock'd up in the caftle with
me.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 79
me. (afide] Oh ! I'll make a neat example of ye
all. [they retire.
Enter LADY TORRENDEL, and COACHMAN.
Lady Tor. My mind is in a ftate of the moft
tormenting folicitude ! I wifti I knew where to
find this young lady, and apprize her of my
Lord's defigns. Whether to return and wait for
him ? [ dread the interview, unkind upbraiding
often makes the very balls of affection. Yet I
know he'll endeavour, by fome artful evafion,
to flip from my charge, except I can bring it to
a full conviction but L firil to afford this poor
young man affiftance.
Timolin. Young man ! that mufl be me fhe
faw I was in diftrefs. (afide)
Lady Tor. Deliver this to him, without letting
him know who it comes from, (gives a pocket-
bock to Coachman) [Exit Coachman.
Timolin. Stop ! Fm here.
Lady Tor. Oh, his fervant.
Timolin. Now, this goadnefs to me, has de-
termined me, in what I was resolved upon ; to
fave her from all danger, (cfide)
Lady Tor. Perhaps I may now learn, who this
young lady is.
Timclin. (to Thcmas) Go you, and ft ay with
your horfes I'll deliver the meflage to her my-
felf.
Thomas. But you're not in Sir Hans's livery
It wo'n't take, 'apart}
Timolin. How d'ye do, Mifs Augufta ?
Lady '-Tor. (afide'} My trufty champion's mif-
taking me for her, I find, continues.
Thomas. Mifs, your guardian, Sir Hans Bur-
gefs,
00 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
gefs, hopes for your company down at Sam-
phire-hall he has fent horfes.
Timolin. I'll whifper a few words, that fhall
bring her dire&ly. Harkye, Mifs ! don't go,
this is a rogue, that wants to coax you again in-
to the moufe-trap. (apart to Lady Tcrrendel)
Lady Tor. You miftake I'm not the perfon.
(to Thomas)
Timolin. That's a good thought to deny your-
felf I'll fecond it, (apart) are you fure you
never faw Mifs Augufta before now ?
Thomas. Not I.
Timolin. Then this is not fhe fo go about
your bufinefs.
Thomas. What!
Timolin. He wants to inveigle you, to Lord
Torrendel. (apart)
Lady Tor. Indeed ! this is charming, as I fup-
pofed ! the moft lucky opportunity to do good,
prevent evil, fave the innocent from ruin, and
overwhelm the guilty in the blufhing fhame of
his own bafe intentions, (afide) I was apprehen-
five of fome error you've brought horfes you
fay very well, I'll wait on my guardian, (to
Thomas.) [ Timolin Jiares ^ and whiftles.
Thomas. Then you are Mifs Augufta. Why,
what did you mean juft now by faying it was
not. (to Timolin)
Lady Tor. Yes, yes, you're right enough.
Timdlin. If they take you for a Lady, that
will fly off to an old libertine, they're right
enough indeed ; but I was wrong, when I thought
you a bit of an angel.
Lady Tor. Come, (going)
Timolin. A word, ma'am ! your intentions jufl
now about me, were good but, fince you give
your-
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. gi
yourfelf up to this old reprobate, I fcorn your
afliftance, and if a little turn of virtue, mould
ever make you repent of your nonfenfe, don't
expect any defence from the foul of Mr. Ti-
molin.
Lady Tor. Heavens ! I leave a mocking im-
preffion on the mind of this worthy creature.
(afide) Well, well, we fhall find a time to clear
my character. \_Exit with Thomas.
Timolin. An old rotten potatoe for your cha-
racter ! bye and bye, when you're feen flourifh-
ing in curricles, with a different gallant every
day, ftuck up at your elbow, you'll flill be chat-
tering about your character, to all the turnpike-
men.
Enter ARTHUR, (baftily).
Arthur. Yes ! it is a bailiff he's at my heels.
Timolin, do you fee any door open ? ftand in
that fpot, you fcoundrel.
Timolin. Oh Sir ! if any more of thofe compli-
ments pafs between you and me, ic's a tofs up
who's to pay them.
Arthur. If he don't touch me, it's no caption.
limolin. He's returning with the money, the
gay Mifs gave him for me.
Re-enter COACHMAN.
Coachman; I've had a good chace after you,
Sir.
Arthur. Attempt to give me the tip, and
Coachman, (taking papers from his pocket) Here
it is this bill for three hundred
VOL. i. M 37-
82 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Timolin. If it was ten tlioufand, I wou'cln't ac-
cept it.
Arthur. You villain, do I want you to accept
bills for me ?
Coachman. It's a good note, and your own
too.
Arthur. Well, I know I have notes and bonds
enough out but if I pay one of them, I'll be
damn'd.
Timolin. Sir, don't frighten yourfelf, about
what doesn't concern you.
Arthur. Hold your tongue, firrah ; of my own
accord, I came from our dance, when old Wig-
hum, the juftice, fent for me; but, compeli'd
I will not be ; fo let the plaintiff carry the bills
to my father. 1
Coachman. Now, Sir, you're too nice. I pro-
mifed to do the bufmels, and I will, (offers pa-
pers.)
Arthur. Aye! he only wants to touch me.
{Jlips round Timolin.)
^Timolin. Arrah! what fignifies your dancing
round me, like a couple of May-poles ?
Arthur. Timolin, knock him down I won-
der whether it's a capture if 1 touch him.
Timolin. What are you at with your caps, and
hats ? The Knglifti of the thing is Mifs Auguf-
ta, I defpife.
Arthur. Speak fo of my divine charmer !
[fir ikes him, and runs off, Coachman follows.
Timolin. Oh ! if he difcharges me, and comes
once a day to give me a knock in my cheek,
I'm to have a bleffcd' life of it tho' my honor
wou'd not fuffer me to take relief from this
Mifs
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 8$
Mifs Augufta, yet I'll try and get the reward
from Mounfeer, for, if I was to preach in a
pulpit as high as Patrick's fteeple, the ladies,
and gentlemen, would be running after one an-
other, and, till they give roaft beef for nothing,
to mere honeity, a guinea is convenient in an
empty pocket.
[Exit.
END OF THE FOURTH ACT.
M 2
LIFE'S VAGARIES;
A C T V.
SCENE I.
Samphire-hall: SIR HANS'J, and other Houfes :
A view of the Sea, bathing Machines , &c.
Enter SIR HANS, and ROBIN HOOFS.
SIR HANS.
A Month lince I've been down here at my fa-
vourite rocks. How do the lodging-houfes go
on ? I hope they keep low with their prices, till
the place is known. Aye! I may yet fee Sam-
phire-hall eclipfe Brighton, Weymouth, and Scar-
borough.
Robin H. Yes ! your honour ; for the young
Squire has fet up a ftaple commodity of trade,
and already the volks bes fo merry about'n.
You know Humphry Grim, the ftone-mafon, is
famous in the letter cutting way Meafter
George has gi'n the freedom of the quarry,
and he has eftablifhtd a manufacture for tomb-
flones.
StrH
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 85
Sir H. Tomb-ftones to make people merry !
Robin H. He has finiftied half a dozen choice
epitaphs with:
" Affliftions zore
" Long time I bore
" Phyficians were in wain."
(SiR HANS walks up enraged.}
Enter GEORGE.
George. That was certainly Lord Torrendel
turn'd into the green lane muffled up, and
feem'd hiding his face. Robin gave me a hint
of his defigns upon Fanny.
Sir H. A fweet morning concert for the rooms,
of chipping and fa wing ! Tell Mailer Grim, he
muft depart in peace with his merry monuments.
Did you hire a new poftillion ?
Robin H. Yez, Sir.
George. Oh, Robin ! my fcheme of fettling the
poor artificers here, requires a kind of agent or
Juperior, to regulate it in my abfence j a fenfible
perfon of good nature and probity that I can
truft I've fixt upon a man he's now over at
Sandgate ifland, you muft acquaint him no on-
ly tell him I'd (peak with him.
Sir H. (feeing George} Don't come near me
get a tin pot and a bit of ftick, and pick up
cockles on the beach you haven't a foul above
a cockle-gatherer, you curfed otter, Robin !
have they put up the flielves in the raffling
fliop?
George. Sir, the men are working at their
looms.
Sir H. Looms !
George.
86 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
George, Tnflead of encouraging frauds, cheat-
ing ftrangcrs with paltry toys, I have creeled
looms, that will give bread to two induftrious
families. (Jcom heard without)
Sir H. Why, they're Weavers !
George. Yes, Sir, weavers of (lockings, gloves,
and mittins.
Sir H. A (locking loom in the place of my ele-
gant raffling (hop !
George. There's a ribband loom too. This
was the firft wove in it ; for the motto's fake,
put it into your hat.
Sir H. (reads) " Succefs to Commerce, and a
f'peedy peace." Well, let Induftry throw the
ihuttle to this motto with all my heart. What
fmoke's that yonder ? clinking of hammers! by
the lord it's a forge.
George. Yes, Sir, the forge I built for poor old
Grimes.
Sir H. What, a fmith ?
George. Yes, Sir, a worthy blackfmith.
Sir H. Within the very walls of my cold bath,
old Grimes blowing his bellows !
George. What uie for a cold bath juft on the
verge of the ocean ? and the farmers want the
neceflary tools for agriculture.
Sir H. I banifh you for ever, from my fafliion-
able bathing-place. You barbarous young fa-
vage ! after my high pufFadvertiiements of cold
larders, neat wines, circulating libraries, baths,
concerts, balls, billiards, machines, and bathing-
caps, to expect to drag people of fafhion down
here, arnongft (locking-looms, totnbllones, and
bellows-clinkers !
George. Father, my little colony was famifli-
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 87
ing on Lord TorrendePs iQancl. Since I have
brought them here, in pity don't ditturb them.
Sir H. A fine ragged colony you've planted.
George. Confider, Father, induftry is a flower
that ihould be encouraged by the genial warmth
of patronage.
Sir H. By the the lord! the fellow's only fit
for a plowman, or a weaver.
George. Well, Sir, the one gives bread, the
other cloathing; as a plowman and a weaver are
the moft ufeful characters, I know of none more
noble.
Sir H. Ah ! don't talk to me, my very fer-
vants will defpife you, I dare fay not one of 'em
would ftir a ftump to fave your, foul and body,
you young Beaver.
Enter ROBIN HOOFS.
Robin H. Your purfe, Sir I found it on the
road, (to George]
George. Thank you, Robin;
Sir H. George's purfe ! how much was in it ?
Robin. More than I can tell once I knew it
to be mailer George's, I never put finger on the
cafh it held.
Sir H. Suppofe k had been my purfe ?
Robin H. Ecod ! your honor, you might ne-
ver have feen it again : Gold's a tempting thing,
and I don't fet up for more honefty than my
neighbours ; but young Squire's money already
belongs to the poor, and he bez a bad man in-
deed that wou'd take, what the generous heart
is fo ready to give.
George. You've been playing tricks, knocking
1C
88 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
it about its all broke ftupid fellow, I dare fay
you'd take better care of your own !
Robin H. La, Sir, I have no purfe, only a lit-
tle bit of a leather bag, to divide a few {hillings
from the halfpence, (foewing the bag t George
takes it.}
George. Whole, and found tearing one's pro-
perty there's my broken one, I (half keep yours.
(flings it to Robin Hoofs)
Robin H. But, Sir, the gold's in it.
George. Never mind, keep it Robin, you're an
honeft fellow ; honefty is a true diamond, and
fliould be fet in gold, (puts him off)
Sir H. My generous boy, George, build up
and pull down, juft as you pleafe ; I fee now the
rich man's fafeft guard, is the bleflings of cha-
rity ; but gold is the grand ftaple of your trade
of benevolence I've brought Mifs Woodbine,
and her fortune ; go and entertain her.
George. Ifn't that Lord Torrendel's French^
man. (looking out)
Re-enter ROBIN HOOFS.
Robin H. Your honor, Mounfeer's come from
his Lord, to borrow your poft-chay going on
a vifit, and his own be broke.
Sir H. Here's an opportunity to oblige my
Lord. He (hall have it, and hanfel my new pof-
tilion too.
George, (afide} Some knavery in this poft-
chaife borrowing! Robin, a word.
Sir H. Here full ! go to the Lady ! hold, here
{he is.
Enter
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON.
Enter AUGUSTA.
Au^ufta. 'Twas certainly Arthur crofs'd the
road, (afide) Sir, Fve walk'd out, to fee your
charming place here, (to Sir Hans)
Sir H. Hem ! I bid him fpeak to the Lady,
and by the lord he's whifpering Robin j George,
addrefs her with rapture.
George. Yes, Sir! Madam, the great pleafure
of Robin. [Exit, talking with Robin Hoofs.
Sir H. The great pleafure of Robin ! oh !
the devil's in you, for a fine amorous fcoundrel!
Stop, you Sir. [Exit.
Augufta. This young gentleman is an unadorn-
ed cafket, enclofing the moft delicate fprings of
fenfibility ; but that heart is not for me j or ra-
ther mine is not for him. I muft not cherifh an
hopelefs paflion for Arthur ; if, as Sir Hans tells
me, another poflefies his affections.
Enter FANNY.
Fanny !
Fanny. My dear governefs, I've got down to
you ; I'm only come, becaufe you are here
where's George.
Augufta. You only come becaufe I'm here
where's George ! Ah, Fanny !
Fanny. I've made papa bring me too by a
monftrous ftory though. I've told him, Sir
Hans wants him on moft prodigious bufinefs.
Enter ARTHUR, (running).
Arthur. Diftanced the nabber! my lovely
partner ! who could expect to find you here,
VOL. i. N like
go LIFE'S VAGARIES ;
like a fea-nymph fent from old Neptune's pa-
lace, to make mortals plunge into the ocean,
enamoured from this divine fpecimen of aquatic
beauty.
Augufta* Moft heroically gallant indeed, Sir.
Fanny. Now for fomething gallant to me
How d'ye do, Sir? (curtefies]
Arthur. Ah ! little titmoufe, fuppofe, my love,
you flep and gather a few honeyfuckles from the
hedge yonder.
Fanny. George might have had the manners
to meet, and make nymphs of other people.
Titmoufe, indeed ! [Exit.
Arthur. Madam, you fee before you, a fellow
the moft wretched (afide) (hall I venture to
declare my love? no farewell.
Augujia. Whither, Sir, are you going ?
Arthur. The truth is, Madam, tho' Great-
Britain's large, I'm driven to the water's edge,
where I'll ftep into, and pufhoffthe firft fifhing
boat I can find; for abandon'd by my fa-
ther, and purfued by England, Madam, is
no home for me. If I can get acrofs the chan-
nel, amongft camps, and batteries, my empty
fconce may keep a bullet from a head that has
brains in it.
Auyufta. Your fortunes, Sir, are not, perhaps,
fo defparate your mother was
Arthur. How ! Madam, have you heard? (he
is I hope an angel and you my heaven (kneels.}
Enter COACHMAN.
Coachman. Overtaken you at laft'-
Arthur. 1*11 be damn'd if you have though,
(runs oj}\ Coachman pnrfues.)
Aiiguf-
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 91
Augufta. Unhappy youth ! they'll purfue him
to defpair ; but I'm ufurping a concern that be-
longs to the miftrefs of his heart ; yet, tho' I
muft not love, am I to rejeft all feelings of hu-
manity.
"Re-enter FANNY.
Fanny, (joyfully) Oh! govern efs, I have afked
the poftillion to give us a roll on the beach
you don't know half this fweet place.
Augufta. In the chaife I may have a better
chance of feeing which way he takes, (afide.}
Fanny, (ajide) Muftn't tell 'twas my Lord's va-
let propofed our ride, {he's fo fqueamim.
Augufta. Does Sir Hans know of this jaunt ?
Fanny. Very true he may not let us go ; I
have it, lit in the chaife till I come; Fll fetch
your hat and cloak. [Exit.
Augujla. Is this prudent, but no time for re-
flection, Arthur may be loft for ever. [Exit.
SCENE II.
A parlour in SIR HANS'S.
Enter DICKINS.
Dick. Devilifli good place the Knight has got
here ; a fine profpecl of the fea ; a pretty mort-
gage, and I may pick up fuch a bit as this, with
Torrendel's intereft.
Enter
9 1 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Enter FANNYJ looking about.
Fanny. My Governefs is fo giddy where can
fhe have left her hat.
Dick. Oh, Fanny, where's your friend Au-
gufta ? you feem all upon the fidgets.
Fanny, (confined) Oh no, Sir. The two old
boys will be running after us what can 1 think
of to keep them here ? oh, true, (afide} Papa, I
wonder why Sir Hans has fent for you ; do you
know ?
Dick. No, child, but I (hail if I can get to fee
him.
Fanny. Here he i?, ha, ha, ha ! (afide) only
]ook papa, what a fine profpecl: at that window;
you can fee, I believe, to the Ifle of Wight.
Dick: Oh no j but very fine, (looks out of win-
dow.)
Enter SIR HANS.
Sir 11. Fanny, where's your papa ?
Fanny. He's there, Sir, but his head is fo full
of this ferious affair, he's come down ta teli you
about, (in an under tone)
SirH. Oh, very well.
Fanny. He, he, he ! now each will be fo full
of expectation of the other telling, when there is
nothing to tell, it may bring them into a fquab-
b!e, and that will keep them as clofe as a game
backgammon but where's Augufta's hat ? [Exif.
Sir H. Ah, Dickins ! how do you do ?
Dick, (turning] Oh, Sir Hans, well, I've trun-
dled down t you.
Sir H. Then the affair is very urgent ? fit
down.
Dick.
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 93
Dick. Of confequence, I hope ; for I had a
good deal to do.
Sir H. Andfo?
Dick. Well.
Sir H. Well ? Co fudden, I was alarmed ! but
does it concern me much ?
Dick. That you belt know.
Sir H. How Qiould I know !
Dick, (peevijbly) Well then, when you tell me,
perhaps I may know.
Sir H. When you tell me, perhaps I may not
know. But come.
Dick. Aye?
Sir H. He's afraid of being overheard I fup-
pofe j come, I'll faften the door.
Dick. Oh, if it is of fo much confequence, and
fecrecy, I'll faften this door too. (both rife and go
to cppofite doors} There now, we are quite fafe.
(fits down} aye?
Sir H. Aye ? (tkey put their beads together as lif-
tening)
Dick. What do you fit gaping for, why don't
you out with it ?
Sir H. Why do you fit flaring and flretching
your neck ? why don't you tell it at once ?
Dick. You fent for me down about your bud-
nefs and, zounds ! what is it ? that I may go
about mine.
Sir H. I fend for you! you came here to tell
me of fomething of great importance tell it,
and Ihorten your vifir, when you pleafe, Sir.
(both rife)
Dick. Sir, your ill manners, in your own
houfe, are equal to your impudence in bringing
me into it for nothing.
Sir //. Impudence, you vulgar man ! it's well
you
94. LIFE'S VAGARIES;
you are in my houfe, or by the hand of this bo-
dy, I'd pitch you out of window.
Dick. Pitch me, you hard-headed old fool ! if
Torrendel was to behave fo, I'd
Sir H. I mall choak. (rings) You're under
my roof fo fay what you will Robin Hoofs !
Dick. Damn your hoofs, and your horns, Sir !
I can quit your houfe myfelf. You're as impu-
dent as Torrendel. (puts on his hat, and gloves)
Enter FANNY, crying, with Auguftets hat.
Fanny. Oh George ! George ! my Govern efs
has run away with George! falfe fellow ! to drefs
himfelf up as the new poftilion, and drive off
with my Governefs, when 1 only returned to fetch
her hat and cloak.
Sir H. My fon drive off with Augufta ! Huz-
za ! he's a darner.
Fanny. And then Lord Torrendel's valet, to
jump up behind the chaife 'twas all a pack d
thing to deceive me. (cries)
Sir H. What ! the Frenchman gone off with
my ward.
Fanny. Yes, they'll furely be married.
Dick. What, the Frenchman?
Fanny. No ! George !
Dick. But where are they gone ?
Fanny. Rattled down the beach, towards Sand-
gate Ifland.
Sir II. Robin Hoofs, John,, the devil, I've loft
my ward. \JLxeunt Dickins, and Sir Hans.
Fanny. Yes, I heard Sir Hans brought her
down here to marry George ; a demure looking
Uiing> me knew better than to take the mad
young
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 95
young Arthur; and I myfelf to introduce her to
ray George; this is female friendfhip indeed,
here's my friend's hat, and my friend's ribbands,
oh that I had herfelf here.
[Exit tearing the bat.
SCENE III ; and la/I.
Sandgate JJland-, one Jhattered boufe, and a few
wretched cottages.
Enter ARTHUR.
Arthur. The ferryman not to run his boat
boldly in the creek oblige me to dafh through
the water ! If I could but get over to the conti-
nent, I'd fight like a true volunteer the firft
Enfi^n that dropt, pick up his colours I wifh
I had a few (hillings, to pay my paflage in fome
fifhing fmack.
Enter COACHMAN.
There again by heavens ! you ma'n't have all
the bailitf-work to yourfelf we'll have a tufsle
for it if you are ftronger, 1 go if not, I com-
mit your body to mafter fhark begone, or into
the lea I fling you.
Coachman. Then, there Sir, is three hundred
pound, Bank of England note now I've at laft
done my job. [drops it, and exit.
Arthur, (picking it iff) It is and I to mif-
take my bright angel for the blackeft of all imps,
a catchpole ! three hundred 1 now they hall fee
who
9 <S LIFE'S VAGARIES;
who is Lord Arthur D'Aumerle who from ?
my kind father, doubtlefs. Now I've cafh, where
is my poor faithful Timolin.
Enter ROBINSON, (put of livery.)
A dreary Ifland, but one houfe, you live yon-
der, mafter.
Robinfon. Live! ah, Sir! (fighs.)
Arthur. Complain! Why, in the winter here,
you've ftorms in high perfection fnow, hail,
rain, lightning and thunder, neat as imported
no door to your houfe, and fcarce a houfe to
your door ! the fplanged canopy your bed-tefters,
and for a clear profpect no glafs to your windows !
nor a tree on your ifland, becaufe you wou'd
not harbour noify rooks to difcompofe your
flumbers ! nor even a bufh! but that's vanity
that you might have it to fay, you challenge
the globe round to (hew a fpot more defolate. *"
Robinfon. He doesn't recollect me. {afidi) Fve
only come to-day, Sir, but here 1 believe I mufl
abide till better times. This houfe belongs to a
brother of mine all poor enough and yet but
for the charity of Mr. George Burgefs, they mufi
be worfe. The fquire has unpeopled this ifland,
and fettled then* comfortably near his father's.
Since Lord Torrendel, the landlord, leaves them
to his Frenchman and that Mailer Dickins, mv
brother wifhes they'd take the houfe off his
hands.
Arthur. They'll be taking it prefently from
about his ears
Enter ROBIN HOOFS.
Robin IL (to Robinfon) I believe it's you I wants
You're
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 97
-You're to come over to-morrow noon to Sam-
phire-Hall, my young Mafter wou'd fpeak to you,
eh ! Sure I know you, why wasn't you porter
to Lord Torrendel ? (looking ftedfaftly at Robinfon)
Arthur. Indeed !
Robin H. It is Now I underftands the whole
affair Squire George is always himfelf.
Arthur. Were not you difcharged from Lord
Torrenclel's for admitting me into the Caftle?
Robin H. He was and that he might not lofe
by his good-nature, Mafter George was going to
give him a place of 50 /. a year, but Sir Hans has
knock'd up that plan, and wo'n't let the new-
comers fettle tljere.
Arthur. A man turn'd a-drift into this curfed
world, for a moft kind action towards me, and
I ftand prating here with 3oo/. in my hand : no
pennyworth of pippins {ha'n't have all this work
to himfelf there, (gives the note) that will buy
you cakes and ale tin you get a place.
Robinfon. Sir!
Arthur. Don't talk, I hate talking ; I'm abfo-
lute in that particular, Old Crufoe. (puts them
off) Ha, ha, ha ! I'm tickled with a ftrange am-
bition I'll be king of this Ifland from my fa-
ther's fole inheritance. I'll enchant this houfe
from the court of poverty, to the caftle of com-
fort. This ifland is now my territory here am
I king ! oh ! for my queen ! but plague of my
palace. \JLxit into houfe.
Enter L'GEiLLET, and BOATMAN.
ijCEtilet. Now dat your comrade has brought
VOL. i. o lady
98 LIFE'S VAGARIES,
lady over in toder boat, let no one elfe crofs but
Milor. [Exit Boatman.
Ah! quel bonheur to find Augufta myfelf ! now
Monfieur Thomas and dat villain Irifh terrier
may hunt her for deir own recreation dis foli-
tary ifle here milor have no perfon to inter-
rupt. [Retires.
Enter AUGUSTA.
Augufta. The defire of feeing my coufin Ar-
thur once again, before it is too late, can fcarce-
ly reconcile me to this ftep altogether this
ifland wears a moft forbidding afpect I'll re-
turn, and fit in the chaife, till Fanny comes.
(going).
L'CEillet. Ah ! ma chere (preventing her] You
iriuft vait for Milor.
Augufta. He here 1 heavens ! I'm betrayed I
now fee my folly.
VCE'illet. I was your laquais, mon ange, and
did fit behind de chaife, and you did not know
it.
Augufta. Pray, Sir, fuffer me to go.
L'CEillet. Oui, to Londres I dere Milor vil
buy you fine cloaths and jewels, and you vill
Ihine at operas and ball and concert, and he vill
kifs your hand dus. (offers to kifs her hand)
Enter ARTHUR.
Arthur. How! (ftrikes him.)
L'CEillet. Diantre ! (runs off. Arthur purfues. A
plunge y as if in water, is heard without.)
Re-
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON.
Re-enter Arthur.
Angujla. Heavens ! fir, what have you done ?
Arthur. Only caft my bait into the fea Lu-
cifer will always bite at a fcoundrel.
Augufta. Sir, he'll be drowned.
Arthur. He's already a pickled dog don't be
alarm'd- you're fafe now from even the iha-
dow of infult. How came you here in this re-
mote place ? fpeak but no matter you feem
cliftrefs'd, Madam.
Augufta. (afide} Vice fhould not humbje the
father in the opinion of the fon.
Arthur. Lean upon me, ma'am holloo ! old
Crufoe, where's your dame ? come madam.
(leads Augufta in.)
Enter LORD TORRENDEL*
Lord Tor. Should L'CEillet bring my Augufta
fafe, here is no accommodation ; I thought I
had fome tenants on this Ifland ! they've let
the place run ftrangely to ruin. Confulion !
Sir Hans !
Enter SIR HANS, DICKENS, GEORGE, and RO-
BIN HOOFS.
Dick. But 'fquire, why difguife yourfelf ; fure
you coud'n't be a confederate with my Lord's
pandar, to fteal my daughter's governefs ?
Sir H. Aye, George, where was the neceffity
of ufing artifice, to run away with Augufta, ihe
very girl I wanted to give you.
o 2 George.
ico LIFE'S VAGARIES.
George. Then to explain the myftery fome
bafe defigns of others, have funk me into a
fchemer of ftratagems. My lord, my name is
Burgefs. I'm no profeficd knight- errand, yet
I openly avow that I will endeavour henceforth
to protect female innocence from your lordmip's
difhonourable purpofes. [Exit.
Sir H. Bravo ! He has been drinking hock
with Lord Arthur. My lord, I'll talk to you.
[*//,
Dick. My lord, to you I'll talk. [V.
Lord Tor. Then no Ihelter from open (name,
but to turn champion myfelf ! befides, the ftorm
once blown over, my feeming her protector
wins her love by gratitude.
Enter TIMOLIN.
Timolin. Oh, my lord, here flies the fweet
creature to you with her character under her
arm.
Lord Tor. Then, that villain L'GEillet, has
made my fon's fervant a party in this bufineis.
Enter LADY TORRENDEL, veiled^ and THOMAS.
Timolin. So Mifs, you wbu'dn't be warn'd by
me, you wou'd run headlong to the devil. And
there he Hands, ready to receive you. (cpart to
Lady 'lorrenaei]
Lord Tor. What's your purpole, ycu fcoun-
drels, in brin^v g the lady to this lonely place?
Timolin. Our purpo'fe ! well, that's very
high I
Lord Tor. Madam, rely upon my protection,
1 am
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 101
I am bound by honor to defend you from every
infult.
Lady Tor. Certainly, my lord ! every gentle-
man mould be the protector of his wife, (dif-
covers herfelf.')
Lord Tor. Lady Torrendel !
Ttmolin. The Lady heifelt ! then 'twas to her
hufband (he was runaing, oh! here's a wonder,
and a blunder ! [Exit.
Lady Tor. My Lord, I fee you are confuted,
yet could- 1 hope your prefent humiliation pro-
ceeded from a forrow that promifed repentance,
and confequent reformation, mv heart's feelings
for the man I did love and honor, mould melt
me to companion ! (weeps} but no ! take my
refentment ! my deferved, and bitter reproach !
grief cannot reach a breaft fo callous as your's !
it is only the flings of a wounded pride, and dif-
appointed purpofe, that now agitates you; re-
flect ! return an humble gratitude to heaven for
having made mv unexpected arrival here the
means of matching you from the repetition of a
crime the moft hoftile to fociety. A felfifh, ti an-
lient gratification, that muft banifli for ever an
unhappy female from tne paths of honor ! fhun'd
thro' life by the beft part of her own (ex ! and
even defpifed by you ! the author of her fhanie !
your wrongs to me are nothing, but your me-
ditated trices and plans, which you call gallan-
tries, reflect only diigrace on the dignity of man-
hood !
LordTor. Lady Torrendel I coafefs I'm al-
together fomewhat mocked, and w'i'h I'm very
ir~^appy to ;ee that is I'm unhappy at your
Lady
102 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
Lady Tor. Oh, you mifiake, my lord f I have
no fufpicicns ! mine are all certainties but
even if you confider my throwing the paft into
the fhade of oblivion, any indulgence, I fhall in-
lift upon a few conditions, and the firft turn
your countenance and protection to your poor
delerted youth! you as a parent, are refponfible
for every violation that your neglect has occa-
fioned him to make on the laws of propriety ;
if you refufe, I will be his parent, and hence-
forth regard your poor friendlefs fon, with all
the care and tendernefs of maternal affection.
Enter ARTHUR.
Arthur. Huzza, the joy that laughs on me,
fhall fmile on all around ; fir, I thank you for
your bounty, but
Enter COACHMAN.
Coachman. My Lady, I gave Lord Arthur the
money,
Lady Tor. Well, well !
Arthur. How ! was that 300 /. fent me by
you, Madam.
Lord Tor. Did you give countenance and re-
lief, where wives, in general, look with con-
tempt and even hatred"? Madam, can you par-
don ?
Lady Tor. My Lord, your conduct renders
you rather an object of pity, than refentment
you have implicitly delivered up your fortune,
your character, nay more, my Lord, your ho-
nor, to be the fpo'rt and property of an infa-
mous
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 103
Tnous parafite your confidential favourite, your
Valet, counteracted the rectitude of your in-
tentions, by embezzling the fums he had for
purpofes dictated by duty and nature. Oh !
why will thofe who poflefs the godlike power of
doing good, delegate a bafe, unworthy agent,
for the kind purpofes of humanity.
Enter SIR HANS, DICKINS, GEORGE, and AU-
GUSTA.
Sir H. Here, boy, take Augufta. (advanfing).
Arthur, (advancing} Thank ye, Sir Hans ! (takes
her band)
Sir H. Thank ye, indeed, for that ! George,
will you lofe your wife fo ?
George. I've one ready at hand father, with
your leave and her own confent.
Enter FANNY, and TIMOLIN, at the back.
Dick. To be fure, I confent and we all con-
fent.
Fanny. Oh! yes! we all confent my dear
governefs, are you going to be married ? It
ieems I'm going to be married. He, he, he!
eh I George ?
Sir H. To fee my fon taken before my face,
with an he, he, he 1 s'blood, fir ! let the girl go,
he ? he, he, indeed.
Dick. Then I difcover your tricks, Sir, oh,
oh, oh ! indeed ! Madam, (to Augufta) no mat-
ter what he fays you are ftill heirefs to your
uncle Woodbine's fortune. Throw it into my
bank, chufe me your guardien, I'll recover I'll
fend Sir Nob a fheet of cracklin ramfkin, that
{hall
104 LIFE'S VAGARIES;
/ball reach from Chancery-lane, to Weftminfter-
hal).
Augujta. Well, even fo the property of the
mother fhould devolve to the fon, and to him I
refign it.
Arthur. No ! fooner than take it from you,
my generous coufin, Timolin and I will buffet
the world again and, rather than commit fur-
ther depredations on honeft tradefmen, I'll turn
to any thing, any one thing in life, except a
Poet. Where are you old Bargatrot Caftle ?
Timolin. I'm here, your honor, dead or alive
we'll jump into our boots, before they're
bought away, mafter ! Pm your man, thro"
thick and thin, fire and fmoke.
Arthur. I could force myfelf to accept this
fortune that is, with a certain fweet'ner Will
you, my Augufta, accompany it?
Augufta. Then, Sir, for paltry gold, you'd
quit your love ! oh ! fie !
Sir H. Devil's in you, child ! I was only
joking about the girl over the hock, to make
you marry George.
(Arthur kijjes her hand.)
Lord Tor. Why, this is right. Lady Torren-
del, your unexampled liberality will reclaim me
into a hufband and a father. My boy, were
blefllngs mine, you fhould have one from me.
Timolin. Then, as you're not worth a bleffing,
fhow'r a bundle of yellow-boys upon us both.
Dick. A good motion, throw them into my
bank. Eh ! is that Monfieur making his ears
like a water dog ? (looking out)
Arthur* My Lord, father, and you mod ador-
ed Augutta, if I am deftined to affluence, here
is
OR, THE NEGLECTED SON. 105
is my model, (to George) who can forego the
comforts of life to beftow its neceflaries on the
indigent!
Sir H. Why, my moft magnificent Arthur, I
thought you were to be George's model, and that
like you he'd have grace enough, to play the de-
vil.
Arthur. So he mall we'll kick Care out of
the window, our abode mail be the Houfe of
Joy, and the firft card of invitation fhall be, to
the Man of Sorrow.
My faults how great ! but as no foft'ring care
Did ever fmile upon misfortune's heir !
The outcaft oh receive ! your pardon give,
And in your favour, let him happy live !
THE END.
VOL. I.
THE
CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
IN THREE ACTS.
PERFORMED AT THE
THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN,
IN 1782.
THE MUSICK BY DR. ARNOLD.
P 2
DRJM4TTS PERSONS.
Don Scipio, , Mr. WILSON.
Don Casfar (or Capt. Ramirez), Mr. REINHOLD,
Fernando, Mr. MATTOCKS,
Don Juan, Mr. FEARON.
Alphonfo, , Mrs. KENNEDY.
Pedrillo, Mr. EDWIN.
Spado, "} C Mr. QUICK.
Sanguino, ( .5 J Mr. MAHON.
Calvette, |lj J Mr. THOMPSON,
Rapino, J M (_ Mr. BOYCE.
Philippo, Mr. BRETT.
Vafquez, Mr. STEVENS.
Lopez, * Mr. LEDGER.
Victoria, Mifs HARPER.
Lorenza, Signora SESTINI.
Ifabella, Mifs PL ATT.
Catilina, Mrs. WILSON.
BANDITTI, SERVANTS, &c.
SCENE, Spain.
THE
CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
A C T I.
SCENE I.
A Cavern with winding Stairs, and ReceJJes cut in
the Rock ; a large Lamp hanging in the Center, a
Table, Wine, Fruits, &V. At the head DON
CAESAR, on each fide SPADO, SANGUINO, RAPI-
NO, and others of the Banditti.
CHORUS.
E we fons of freedom dwell
In our friendly, rock-hewn cell ;
Pleafure's dictates we obey,
Nature points us out the way
Ever focial great and free,
Valour guards our liberty.
AIR. Don C*far.
Of fevere and partial laws,
Venal judges, Alguazils ;
Dreary dungeons's iron jaws,
Oar and gibbet Whips or wheels
Let's never think
While thus we drink
Sweet Mufcadine !
O life divine !
Chorus. Here we fons of freedom dwell, &c.
Don C.
no THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Don C. Come, Cavaliers, our carbines are
loaded, our hearts are light, charge your glaf-
fes, Bacchus gives the word, and a volley makes
us immortal as the rofy god Fire ! (all drink)
Spa. Ay, Cap'ain, this is noble firing, Oh, I
love a volley of gfape-fliol Are we to have any
fky -light in bur cave ? ^looking at Sanguine's glafs)
Don'C. Oh, no ! a brimmer round. Come, a
good b.)Oty to us to-night, (all drink)
Spa. Booty ! I love to rob a tat Pi left.- Stand,
fays i, and then 1 knock him down.
Sang. My noi'c bleeds, (looks at his handkerchief)
1 wonder what colour is a coward's blood !
Spa. D -n't you fee it's red ?
Sang. Hah ! call me coward, (rifes in fury)
Sirrah ! Ciptain ! Cavaliers ! but this fear on my
forehead contradicts the mifcreant.
Spa. Scar on ycur forehead ! Ay, you will
look behind you when you run away.
Sang. I'll liab the villain (draws ftilhtto) I
will, by heaven.
Don C. Poh, Sanguine ! you know when a jeft
offers, Spado regards neither time, place nor
perfon.
AIL (interpcfing) Don't hurt little Spado !
Spa. (hiding behind) No, don't hurt little
Spado.
Sang. Run away.! Armies have confefs'd my
valour the time has been but no matter ! (fits)
Don C. Come, away with reflection on the
part, or care for the future ; the prefent is the
golden moment of pofleflion ; let us enjoy it.
Ail. Ay, ay, let us enjoy it.
Don C. You know, Cavaliers, when I entered
into this noble fraternity, I boarted only of a lit-
tle courage fharpen'd by neceffity, the rcfult of
mv
THE. CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. m
my youthful follies, a father's feverity, and the
malice of a good natur'd dame.
Spa. Captain, here's a fpeedy walk-off to old
women.
AIL Ha, ha, ha ! (drink)
Don C. When you did me the honor to elect
me your captain, for two conditions I ftipulated
Tho' at war with the world abroad, unity and
focial m rth fhould prefide over our little com-
mon-wealth at home.
Spa. Yes, but Sanguino's for no head lie'Ii
have ours a common-wealth of fifts and elbows.
Don C. The other, unlefs to preferve your
own lives, never to commit a murder.
Spa. I murder'd fince that a biikop's coaca-
horfe.
AIL Ha, ha, ha !
Don C. Hand me that red wine.
AIR. Don C<far.
Flow, thou regal purple ftream,
Tinted by the iblar beam,
In my goblet fparkling rifej
Cheer my heart and glad my eyes.
My brain afcend on fancy's wing,
'Noint me, wine, a jovial king.
While I live, I'll lave my clay,
When I'm dead and gone away, v
Let my thirfty fubje&s fay,
A month he reign'd, but that was May.
\t\under*
Don C. Hark, how diftincl: we hear the thun-
der through this vaft body of tv.rth and rock
Rapino, is Calvette above upon his pofl ?
Rap. Yes.
Don C. Spado, '[is your turn to relieve the
sentinel.
Spa.
Ii2 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Spa. Relieve ! why what's the matter with him?
Don C. Come, come, no jefting with duty
'tis your watch.
Spa. Let the wolves watch for me my duty
is to get {"upper ready (thunder) Go up ! Od's
fire, do you think I am a Salamander? D'ye
hear !
Sang. No fport I fear.
Don C. Then call Calvette, lock down the
trap-door, and get us fome more wine from the
ciftern.
Spa. Wine! Ay, Captain, and this being a
night of peace we'll have a dim of olives.
Sang. No peace ! we 11 up and fcour the fcrefl
prefently. But well thought on, a rich old fel-
low, one Don Scipio has lately come to refide in
the caftle on the Ikirts of the foreft what fay
you to plunder there ?
Don C. Not to night I know my time I
have my reafons I (hall give command on that
bufinefs. But where's the ilranger we brought
in at our laft excuriion ?
Rap. He repofes in yonder recefs.
Spa. Ay, there he lies with a face as innocent
as an angel, thought he fought like feven devils.
(fifidi) If my fellow-rooks vvou'd but fly off I'd
have the pidgeon here within all to myelf.
Cah. (appears at tbe top cf the winding ftairs
with a lanthern) Captain !
Sang. Good news, Cavaliers ; here comes Cal-
vette.
Cah. A booty !
Sang. What ? where ?
Cah. Soft but one man !
Sang. Is he alone ?
Cah. Quite.
Spa.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 113
Spa. One man and alone that's odd!
Calv. He feems in years, but his habit, (as
well as I could diilinguilh,, fpeaks him noble.
(defcends)
Don C. Then he'll fight, My arms !
Spa. Oh, he'll fight. Get my arms no, my
legs will do for me. (jfide)
Sang. Come, my carbine quick !
Don C. To the attack of one man paltry!
Only you Calvette, and Spado go, the reft pre-
pare for our general excurfion.
Spa. Captain, don't fend me ; indeed I'm too
rafh!
Don C. Come, come, leave buffoonery and to
your duty.
[CALVETTE afcends, the reft go in atjeveral
recefles, SPADO, afcendsflowly.']
Enter AL?HONSO;
Alph. I find myfelf fomewhat refrefli'd by
fleep at fuch a time to fall into the hands of
thefe ruffians, how unlucky ! I'm pent up here ;
my rival Fernando, once my friend, reaches Don
Scipio's Caftle, weds my charming Victoria, and
I lofe her for ever ; but if I could fecure an in-
terview, love ihould plead my caufe.
AIR. Alphonfo.
The hardy failor braves the ocean,
Fearlefs of the roaring wind;
Yet his heart, with foft emotion,
Throbs to leave his love behind.
To dread of foreign foes a ftranger,
Tho' the youth can dauntlefs roam,
Alarming fears paint every danger
In a rival, left at home.
VOL. T. Q. SpA-
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA,
SPADO returns down thejlairs.
Spa. (afide) Now for fome talk with our pri-
foner here Stay, are they all out of ear-ihot?
How the poor bird lings in its cage ! I know
more of his affairs than he thinks of by overhear-
ing his converfation at the inn at Lorca.
Alpb. How (hall I efcape from thefe rafcals I-
Oh, here is one of the gentlemen. Pray, Sir,
may I take the liberty
Spa. No liberty for you here Yet upon cer-
tain conditions, indeed give me your hand.
Alpb. (afide] Impudent fcoundrel !
Spa. Senor, I wifh to ferve you, and ferve
you I will; but I muft know the channel before
I make for the coaft, therefore to examine you
with the pious feverity of an holy Inquifitor, in
heaven's name, who the devil are you ?
Alpb. A pious adjuration truly! (afide} Sir,
my name is Alphonfo, and I am fon of a bank-
er at Madrid.
Spa. Banker ! I thought he fung like a young
gold-finch.
Alph. Perhaps by trufting this fellow I may
make my efcape
Spa. I'll convince him I know his fecrets, and
then I hold his purfe-ftrings.
Alph. You won't betray me?
Spa. Honor among thieves.
Alpb. Then you muft know when your gang
attack'd me yefterday evening
Spa. You were polling full gallop to Don Sci-
pio's caftle on the confines of the foreft here.
Alpb. Hey ' then perhaps you know my paf-
fion for
Spa-
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 115
Spa. Donna Victoria his daughter.
Alpb. Then you know that fhe's contracted
Spa. To your friend Don Fernando de Zelva,
who is now on his journey to the caftle, and to
the deftrucUon of your hopes, weds the lady on
his arrival.
Alpb. True, while I am pent up in this curfed
cavern, but how you got my ftory, I
Spa. No matter! I could let you out of this
curfed cavern.
Alpb. And will you ?
Spa. Ah, our trap-door above requires a gold-
en key.
Alpb. Your comrades have not left me a piaf-
tre.
Spa. Will you give me an order on your fa-
ther's bank for fifty pieces, and I'll let you out ?
Alpb. You fhall have it.
Spa. A bargain. I'll fecure your efcape.
Enter DON CESAR, (behind],
Don C. How's this !
Spa. Zounds, the Captain Ramirez ! (afide)
Aye, you dog, I'll fecure you from an efcape !
Do you think I'd fet you at liberty without the
Captain's orders? Betray my truft for a bribe!
What the devil do you take me for ? (in ajeeming
rage] Oh, Captain, I didn't fee you.
Don C. What's the matter ?
Spa. Nothing, only our prifoner here was
miftaken in his man that's all. Let you efcape,
indeed !
Alpb. Here's a rafcal !
Spa. Rafcal ! D'ye hear him ? he has been
Q. 2 abufing
ii6 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
abufing me this half hour, becaufe I would not
convey him out without your knowledge. Oh,
what offers he did make me ! but my integrity
is proof againft Gallions, Efcurials, Peru's, and
Mexico's.
Don C. Begone inftantly to your comrades.
[Spado afcends*
Senor, no occafion to tamper with my compa-
nions j you (hall owe your liberty to none but
me. Some particulars of your ftory, which I
had from Spado, have engaged me in your inte-
reft to be free, up in the open air would you
venture ha, ha, ha ! not afraid of a fprinkle
of rain or a flam of lightning no, no. Well,
without confulting my brethren here, as foon as
they fally forth, I'll convey you ro the cottage
of the vines, belonging to the peafant Philippo,
not far from Don Scipio's caftlc; there you may
reft in fafety to-night, and
Silph. Ah, Captain ! no reft for me.
Don C. Look ye Senor, I am a ruffian, per-
haps worfe, but venture to truft me A pick-
lock may be ufed to get at a treafure don't wifti
to know more of me than I now chufe to tell
you, but if your miftrefs ioves you as well as
you feem to love her, to-morrow night flic's
yours.
Aiph. My good friend!
Don C. Now for Philippo I don't fuppofe
you wifli to fee any of our work above, ha,
ha, ha ! Well, well, I was once a lover, buc
now
AIR.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 1,7
-AIR.
On by the fpur of valour goaded,
Piftols prim'd and carbines loaded,
Courage ftrikes on hearts of fteel j
While each fpark
Through the dark
Gloom of night,
Lends a clear and cheering light,
Who, a fear or doubt can feel ?
Like ferpents now, through thickets creeping,
Then on our prey, like lions, leaping !
Calvette to the onfet lead us,
Let the wand'ring trav'ler dread us !
Struck with terror and amaze,
While our fwords with lightning blaze. ( Thunder}
Thunder to ou carbines roaring,
JJurlHng clouds in torrents pouring,
Each a free and roving blade,
Ours a free and roving trade,
To the onfet let's away,
Valour calls, and we obey. [Exeunt.
SCENE II.
A For 'eft , (ajlormy night).
Enter FERNANDO.
Per. Pedrillo ! (calling) What a dreadful
night, and horrid place to be benighted in ! Pe-
drillo! I fear I've loft my iervant, but, by the
pace I rode fince I left Ecceija, Don Scipo's caf-
tle can't be very far dittant this was to have
be r n my wedding ng U 5 if i arrived there and
as for my charming bride Yet I cannot regret
my
ii* THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
my reparation from beauties, that I can only
imagine.
AIR . Fernando .
Serenely fmooth the moments run,
With him, who from his natal hour,
Has ne'er beheld the fplendid Sun,
Nor fovcreign Nature's genial power.
But by the bolt of Jove ftruck blind,
Thus fhut from every ray of light,
What poignant grief o'ercafts his mind,
Who once hath known the joys of Sight.
But what keeps Pedrillo, Pedrillo ! Pedrillo I
(calling)
Ped. (within) Sir!
Per. Where are you ?
Ped. Quite aftray, Sir.
Fer. This way.
Enter PEDRILLO, (groping}.
Ped. Any body's way, for I have loft my own
Do you fee me, Sir ?
Fer. No, indeed ! (lightning)
Ped. You faw me then, Sir. (thunder) Ah, this
muft frighten the mules, they'll break their bri-
dles ; I tied the poor beafts to a tree.
Fer. Well, we may find 'em in the morning,
if they efcape the banditti which I am told in-
fefts this foreft.
Ped. Banditti! (a Jhot without) Ah! we are
dead men.
Fer. Somebody in trouble!
Ped. No, fomebody's troubles are over.
Fer. Draw, and follow me.
Ped.
THE;CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA, n 9
Ped. Lord, Sir ! ha'nt we troubles enough of
our own ?
Fer. Follow ! who can deny affiftance to his
fellow-creature in diftrefs ? (draws) \Exit:
Ped. What fine creatures thefe gentlemen are !
But for me, I am a poor, mean fervant fo I'll
ev'n take my chance with the mules.
AIR. Pedrillo.
A mafter I have, and I am his man,
Galloping, dreary, dun,
And he'll get a wife as faft as he can,
With a haily, gaily, gambo raily,
Giggling, niggling,
Galloping galloway, draggle taU, dreary dun.
I faddled his fteed fo fine and fo gay,
Galloping, dreary dun,
I mounted my mule, and we rode away.
With our haily, &c.
We canter *d along until it grew dark,
Galloping, dreary, dun,
The nightingale fung inltead of the lark,
With her, &c.
We met with a friar, and afk'd him our way,
Galloping, dreary, dun,
By the Lord, fays the friar, you're both gone aftray,
With your, &c.
Our journey, I fear, will do us no good,
Galloping, dreary, dun,
We wander alone, like the babes in the wood^
With our, &c.
My mafter is fighting, and I'll take a peep>
Galloping, dreary, dun,
But now I think better, I'd better go fleep,
With my, &c, {Exit.
SCENE
I2 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
SCENE IIL
A t bicker fart of the for eft. Large tree and fane
crofs near the front.
Enter SPADO, runs round terrifed, and clMs into
the tree.
Enter DON SCIPIO, attacked by SANGUINO, RAPI-
NG, and CALVETTE.
Sang. Now, Rapino, lop off his fvvord-arm.
Don S. Forbear ! there's my purfe. (throws it
down)
Sang. Fire!
Spa. (peeping from the tree] No, don't fire.
Sang. I am wounded, hew him to pieces! (as
Don Scipio is nearly overpowered)
Enter FERNANDO.
Per. Ha ! what murderous ruffians ! (engages the
Banditti who precipitately difperfe feveral ways)
Spa. Holloa! the foreit is iurrounded with
Inquifitors, Alguazils, Corrigidores, Hangmen,
and holy fathers.
Don S. Oh, I hav'nt fought fo much thefe
twenty years.
Spa. Eh, we have loft the field, curfed dark ,
tho' I think I could perceive but one man come
to the relief of our old Don here.
Don S. But where are you, Senor ? approach
my brave deliverer.
Spa. So here's a victory and nobody to claim
it ! I think I'll go down and pick up the laurel.
(defends) I'll take the merit of this exploit, I
may get fomething by it.
Den
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. m
Don S. I long to thank, embrace, worfhip this
generous ftranger as my guirdian angel.
Spa. (aftdc} 1 may pals for this angel in the
dark Villains, fcoundrels ! robbers, to attach an
honeft gentleman ! but I made the dogs (cam-
per ! (vapouring)
Don S. Oh, dear ! this is my preferver !
Spa. Who's there ? Oh, you are the wor-
thy gentleman I refcued from thefe rafcal ban-
ditti.
Don S. Noble, valiant ftranger I
Spa. No thanks, Senor, I have fav'd your life
and a good aclion rewards itfelf.
Don S. A gallant fellow faith- Eh, as well as
I could diftinguifh in the dark, you look'd much,
taller juft now ? (looking c'ofe at him)
Spa. When I was fighting ? true, anger raifes
me I always appear fix foot in a pailion ; be-
fides my hat and plume added to my height.
Don S. (by accident treading en the purfe) Hey,
the rogues have run off without my purfe too.
Spa.' O, ho! (aftde} What, 1 have favd
your purfe as well as your precious life !
Well, of a poor fellow, I am the luckieft dog in
all Spain.
Dm S. Poor ! Good friend, accept it as a
(mall token of my gratitude.
Spa. Nay, dear Sir !
Don S. You fliall take it.
Spa. Lord, I am fo aukward at taking a purfe f
(takes ;'/)
Don S. Hey, if I could - find my cane too
I dropt it fomewhere hereabouts when I drew to
defend myfelf. (looking about)
Spa. Zound* ! I fancy here comes the real con-
VUL. I, K queror
122 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.' 1
queror no matter Fve got the fpoils of the
field, (afide chinks tbepurje and retires)
Don S. Ah, my amber-headed cane! (Jlill look-
ing about)
Re-enter FERNANDO.
Per. The villians !
Don S. Ay, you made 'em fly like pigeons,
my little game-cock !
Per. Oh, I fancy this is the gentleman that
was attack'd. Not hurt, I hope, Sir,
Don S. No, I'm a tough old blade Oh,
gadfo, well thought on feel if there's a ring on
the purfe, it's a relick of my deceas'd lady, it's
with fome regret I alk you to return it.
Per. Return what, Sir?
Don S. A ring you'll find on the purfe.
Fer. Ring and purfe! really, Sir, I don't un-
derltandyou.
Don S. Well, well, no matter A mercenary
fellow? (afide.)
Fer. The old gentleman has been robb'd, and
is willing that I mould reimburfe his lofles.
(afide)
Don S. It grows lighter: I think I can dif-
tinguifh the path I loft follow me, my hero, and
(going fuddenlj turns and looks ftedfaftly at Fer-
nando.) Zounds, Senor, I hope you are not in
a paflion, for I think you look fix foot high
again.
Fer. A ftrange, mad old fellow this ! (afide.}
Don S. Thefe rafcals may rally, fo come
along to my caftle, and my daughter Victoria
fhall welcome the preferver of her father.
Fer.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 123
Per. Your daughter, Victoria ! Then, perhaps,
Sir, you are Don Scipio, my intended father-in-
Jaw?
Don S. Eh! Why! is it poffible that you can
be my expected fon, Fernando ?
Per. The fame, Sir, and was on my journey
to your Cattle when benighted in the foreft here.
Don S. Oh, my dear boy ! (embraces him?)
Damn'd mean of him to take my purfe tho'
(afide.} Ah, Fernando, you were refolv'd to
touch fome of your wife's fortune before-hand.
Per. SirI
Don S. Hufh ! You have the money and
keep it : aye, and the ring too ; I'm glad it's not
gone out of the family Hey, it grows lighter
Come!
Per. My rafcal Pedrillo is fall'n afleep fome-
where. (a wbiftle ivifbout)
Don S. No, we're not fafe here Come then,
my dear brave valiant Curs'd paltry to take
my purfe tho'. (afide.) [Exeunt.
Spa. (who bad been lijlenmg^ advances.} So
then our old gentleman is father to Victoria, my
young banker Alphonfo's miftrefs, and the other
is Fernando his dreaded rival this is the firft
time they ever faw each other too. He has a
fervant too, and his name Pedrillo a thought
ilrikes me, if I could by crofs paths but get to
the caftle before 'em, I'd raife a moft delicious
commotion In troubled waters I throw my
fifhing-hook (Whi/lle without,} Excufe me, gen-
i'm engag'd.
[Exit oppofitefide.
x. 2 SCENE
124 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
SCENE IV.
j$n apartment In DON SCIPIO'S caflle*
Enter VICTORIA and CAT A LIN A.
Cat. Nay, dear madam, do not fubmit to go
into the nunnery.
Vic. But, Catalina, my father defires I mould
take the veil, and a parent's voice is the call of
heaven !
Cat. Heav'n! Well, tho' the fellows fwear
I'm an angel, this world is good enough for me
Dear Ma'm, I wifh I could but once fee you
in Jove.
Vic. Heigh ho ! Catilina, I wonder what fort
of gentleman this Don Fernando is, who is con-
traded to me, and hourly expefted at the caftle!
Cat. A beautiful man, I warrant But, Ma'm,
your'e not to have him. Hu(h ! Dame Ifabel,
not content with making your father by flights
and ill-ufage, force your brother, poor Don Caefar,
to run about the world in the Lord knows what
wild courfes, but me now has perfxiaded the old
gentleman to pafs her daughter on Don Fernando
for you There, yonder (he is flaunting, fo be-
jewell'dand be-plum'd Well, if I was you, they
might take my birth-right but my hufband
take my man the deuce mould take them firft !
Ah, no ! if I ever do go to heav'n I'll have a
imart lad in my company. Send you to a nun-
nery !
Vic. Was my fond mother alive ! -Catilina, my
father will certainly many this Dame Ifabel;
I arn
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 125
I am now an alien ro "iis affe&ions, bereft of
every joy and every hope, I ihall quit the world
without a figh.
AIR. F/
Ah, folitude, take my diftrefs,
My griefs I'll unbofom to thee,
Each figh thou can'ft gently reprefs,
Thy filence is mufic to me.
Yet peace from my ibnnet may fpring,
For peace let me fly the gay throng,
To foften my forrows I fmg
Yet forrow's the theme of my fong.
L Exit Vi&oria.
Cat. I'd quit this caftle as foon as ever Donna
Victoria enters a nunnery Shall I go with her?
No, I was never made for a nun Aye, I'll back
to the vineyard, and if my Iweetheart Philippe,
is as fond as ever, who knows i was his queen.
of all the girls, tho' the charming youth was
the guitar, flute, fiddle and hautboy of our
village.
AIR. Catilina.
Like my dear fwain, no youth you'd fee
So blythe, fo gay, fo full of glee,
Jn all our viii.ige who but he
To foot it up fo featly--*
His lute to hear,
From far and near,
Each f>male came,
Both girl and dame,
And all his boon
For every tune,
To kifs them round fo fweetly
While
126 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA,
While round him in the jocund ring,
We nimbly danc'd, he'd play or fing,
Of may, the youth was chofen king
He caught our ears fo neacly.
Suchmufic rare,
In his guitar,
But touch his flute
The crowd was mute,
His only boon
For every tune,
To kifs us round fo fweetly. [Exit.
Enter VASQUEZ, introducing SPADO.
Vaf. I'll inform dame Ifabel, Sir pleafe to
wait a moment. [Exit Vafquez.
Spa. Sir ! This dame Ifabel is, it feems, a wi-
dow-gentlewoman, whom Don Scipio has re-
tain'd ever fince the death of his lady, as fupreme
direftrefs over his family, has fuch an afcendancy
here, that Ihe has even prevail'd on him, to drive
his own fon out of his houfe, and, ha, ha, ha ! is
now drawing the old Don into a matrimonial
noofe, ha, ha, ha ! I am told, rules the roaft here
in the caftle Yes, yes, fhe's my mark Hem !
Now for my ftory, but my fcheme is up if I tell
a fingle truth Ah, no fear of that. Oh, this
way {he moves
Enter Dame ISABEL tf#J VASQJJEZ.
If. Don Scipio not return'd ! A fooliih old
man, rambling about at this time of night !
Stay, Vafquez, where's this ftrange, ugly, little
fellow you faid wanted to fpeak with me ?
Vaf. (covfufed.) Madam, I did not fay ugly
Spa. No matter, young man-^Hem !
[Exit Vafqwz,
If. Well,
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.' 127
If. Well, Sir, pray who are you ?
Spa. (bowing obfequiwjly .) Madam, I have the
honour to be confidential fervant and fecretary
to Don Juan, father to Don Fernando de Zelva.
If. Don Fernando! Heav'ns! is he arrived?
Here, Vafquez, Lopez, Diego! (calling.)
Spa. Hold, madam ; he is not arriv'd ! Mofl
fagacious lady, pleife to lend your attention for a
few moments to an affair of the highcft impor-
tance to Don Scipio's family. My young mailer
is coming
If. Well, Sir !
Spa. Incog.
If. Incog!
Spa. Madam, you fliall hear (a/idi) Now for
a lie worth twenty piftoles The morning before
his departure, Don Fernando calls me into his
clofet, and (hutting the door, Spado, fays he,
you know this obftinate father of mine has en-
gag'd me to marry a lady I have never feen, and
to-morrow, by his order J fet out for Don Scipio
her father's caftle, for that purpofe ; but, fays
he, ftriking his breaft with one hand, twifting
his muftachios with the other, and turning up
his eyes if, when I fee her, fhe don't hit my
fancy I'll not marry her, by the ! ! I
fiian't mention his oath before you, madam.
If. No, pray don't, Sir.
Spa. Therefore, fays he, I defign to drefs Pe-
drillo, my arch dog of a valet, in a fuit of my
clothes, and he mall perfonate me at Don Scipio's
caftle, while I, in a livery, pafs for him If I
like the lady, I refume my own character, and
take her hand, if not, the deceit continues, and
Pedrillo weds Donna Victoria, juft to warn pa-
rental
128 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
rental tyranny how it dares to clap up marriage
without confulting our inclinations.
If. Here's a difcovery ! fo then, it's my poor
child that muft have fall'n into this mare (ajide.}
Well, good Sir !
Spa. ^ And, continued he Spado, I appoint
you my trufty fpy in this Don Scipio's family ;
to cover our defigns, let it be a fecret that you
belong: to me, and I fhan't feem even to know
.you You'll eafily get a footing in the family,
fays he, by impofing fome lie or other upon a
foolifh woman I'm told is in the caftle, Dame
Ifabel, I think they call her.
If. He fhall find I'm not fo eafily impos'd
upon.
Spa. I faid fo, madam 5 fays I, a lady of Dame
Ifabel's wifdom muft foon find me out were I to
tell her a lie.
If. Ay, that I mould, Sir.
Enter VASI>UEZ.
Vaf. Oh, Madam ! my matter is return'd and
Don Fernando de Zelva with him.
[Exit Vafauex.
If. Don Fernando! Oh, then, this is the
valet, but I'll give him a welcome with a ven-
geance!
Spa. Hold, Madam ' Suppofe for a little fporr,
you feem to humour the deceit, only to fee how
the fellow acts his part, he'll play the gentleman
very well I warrant ; he is an excellent mimic,
for, you muft know, Ma'am, this Pedrillo's mo-
ther was a Gypfy, his father a Merry Andrew to
a Mountebank, and he himfelf five years Trum-
peter to a company of Strolling Players,
If. So,
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 129
If. So, I was likely to have a hopeful fon-in-
taw Good Sir, we are eternally indebted to you
for this timely notice of the impofition.
Spa. I have done the common duties of an ho-
neft man I have been long in the family and
can't fee my mafter make fuch a fool of himfelf
without endeavouring to prevent any mifchance
in confequence.
If. Dear Sir, I befeech you be at home under
tliis roof, pray be free, and want for nothing the
ho ufe affords.
Sp. (bows.} Good Madam ! I'll want for no-
thing I can lay my fingers on. (afide.)
(Exit Spado.)
If. Heaven's ! what an honeft foul it is ! what
a lucky difcovery \ Oh, here comes my darling
girl!
Enter LORENZ.VJ {magnificently drefs'd.)
Lor. Oh, cara Madre ! See, behold ! Can I
fail of captivating Don Fernando ? Don't Hook,
charming ?
If. Why, Lorenza, I muft fay the toilet has
done it's duty, I'm glad to fee you in fuch fpirits,
my dear child J
Lor. Spirits i ever gay, ever fpi ightly, chear-
ful as a lark but, my dear mother
If. Mother ! Hufh, my love ! you forget you
are now to pafs for Donna Vidoria, Don Scipio'S
daughter ; and for that purpofe, I had you
brought from Italy It fcems your young Ma-
drid Lover, Alphonfo too, thinks you Victoria,
but you muft forget him, child.
Lor. Yes but how fhall I forget my Florence
Lover, my dear Ramirez ? I love him, Alphonfo
VOL. I. s loves
tso THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
loves me, and here for the fake of Fortune mud
I give my hand to this Don Fernando, when there
can't poffibly be any love on either fide.
If. I requeft, my dear, you'll not think of this
Ramirez ev'n from your own account of him,
he muft be a perfon of moft diflblute principles
fortunately he knows you only by your name of
Lorenza, I hope he won't find you out here.
Lor. Then, farewell, loving Alphonfo Adieu,
belov'd Ramirez! In obedience to your com-
mands, Madam, I fhall accept of this Don Fer-
nando j and as a huiband, I will love him if I
can
AIR Lorenza.
Love ! gay illufion I
Pleafing delufion,
With Iweet intrufion,
Pofleites the mind.
Love with love meeting
Paffion is fleeting ;
Vcr.vs in repeating
We truft to the wind.
Faith to faith plighted,
hove may be blighted ;
Hearts often flighted
\\~ill ceafe to be kind.
Enter VASQUEZ.
Vaf. Madam my matter and Don Fernando.
//". Has Don Fernando a fervant with him ?
Vaf. No Madam.
Ij\ Ch, when he comes, take notice of him.
Enter
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 131
Enter DON SCIPIO and FERNANDO.
Don S. Oh, my darling dame, and my delicate
daughter, blefs your ftars that you fee poor Scipio
alive again Behold my fon-in-law and the pre-
ferver of my life Don Fernando, there's your
fpoufe, and this is Donna Ifabella, a lady of vait
merit, of which my heart is fenfible.
Per. Madam ! (falutes Ifabella.)
If. What an impudent fellow ! (afide.)
Don S. Dear Fernando, you are as welcome
to this cattle as flattery to a lady, but there fhe
is bill and coo embrace, carrefs her.
(Ferdinand falutes Lorenza.)
Lor. If I had never feen Ramirez, I ffiould
think the man tollerable enough ! ( a fide}
DonS. Ha! ha! this fhall be the happy night
Eh, Dame Ifabel, by our agreement, before
the lark lings I take pofleflion of this noble tene-
ment.
Per. Don Scipio, I hop'd to have the honour
of feeing your fon.
Don S. My fon ! Who, CiEfar ? Oh, Lord !
He's He was a turn'd out a profligate Sent
him to Italy got into bad company don't know
what's become of him My dear friend, if you
would not offend me, never mention Casfar
in my hearing. Egad Eh, my dainty dame, is
not Don Fernando a fine fellow !
//. Yes, he's well enough for a trumpeter.
DonS. Trumpeter! (with furprije) what do
you mean by that ? Oh, becaufe I found his
praife ; but, Madam, he's a cavalier of noble
birth, title, fortune, and valour
If. Don Scipio, a word if you pleafe.
(takes him afidi)
s 2 Lor.
132 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Lor. (to Fernando] Si, Signer, our cattle here
is rather a gloomy manfion when compared to
the beautiful Caffino's on the banks of the Arno.
Per. Arno ! true, Don Scipio laid in his letter,
that his daughter had been educated at Florence.
(ffdt)
Lcr. You have had an unpleafant journey,
Signer.
Fer. I have encountered fome difficulties by
the way, it is true, Madam ; but am amply re-
paid by the honour and happinefs I now enjoy.
(bows)
Lor. Sir !- I fwear he's a polite cavalier, (afide
\Von't you pleafe to fit, Sir ? I fancy you muft
be fomewhat weary, (they Jit)
Don S. Eh, fure what this fellow only Don
Fernando's footman ! how ! it can't be !
If. A facl: ; and prefently you'll fee Don Fer-
nando himfelf in livery.
Den S. Look at the impudent fon of a gypfey
Sat himfelf down By St. lago I'll
//". Hold ! let him play off a tew of his airs.
Don Sc. A footman ! Ay, this accounts for his
behaviour in the foreft Don Fernando would
never have accepted my purfe (taps Fernando on
thejboulder.) Hey, what, you've got there !
Fer. Will you pleafe to fit, Sir ? (rifes)
Don S. Yes, he looks like a trumpeter, (afide)
You may fit down, friend, (with contempt)
Fer. A ftrangeold gentleman !
Enter VASQUEZ.
Vaf. Sir, your fervant Pedrillo, is arriv'd.
[Exit Vajqttfz.
If. Servant Pedrillo ! Ay, this, is Fernando
himfelf. (^ arfj 'mfully.tQ Scipk)
Fer.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. j 3J
Per. Oh, then the fellow has found his way at
laft. Don Scipio Ladies excufe me a moment.
[Exit Fernando*
Lor. What a charming fellow !
Don S. What an impudent rafcal !
Ped. (without) Is my mafter this way?
Don S. Matter ! Ay, this is Fernando.
Enter PEDRILLO with a Portmanteau.
Ped. Oh, dear! Ive got among the gentle-
folks, I afk pardon.
If. How well he does look and acl the fervant !
Don. S. Admirable ! Yet I perceive the gran-
dee under the livery.
If. Pleafe to fit, Sir. (with great refpetf)
L.or. A livery fervant fit down by me !
Don S. Pray fit down, Sir. (ceremonioufly.)
Ped. Sit down, (fits} Oh, thefe mull be the
upper fervants of the family her ladyfhip here
is the houfekeeper, I fuppofe^ the young tawdry
tit, lady's irfaid (hey, her miftrefs throws off
good clothes) and old Whifkers Don Scipio's
butler, (afidt)
Enter FERN AN DO.
Per. Pedrillo ! how ! feated ? what means this
difrefpecl ?
Ped. Sir. (rifes) Old Whifkers the butler there,
afked me to fit down by Senoiita, Furbelow
the waiting-maid, here.
Per. Sirrah !
Ped. Yes, Sir.
Don S. Sir, and firrah ! how rarely they act
their parts. I'll give them an item tho' that I
imderitand the plot of their comedy, (afidi)
A I II
jj* THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
AIR. QUINTETTO.
D. Scipio. Senor! (to Ptdrillo)
Your wits muft be keener,
Our prudence to elude,
Your fine plot,
Tho' fo pat,
Will do you little good.
Pedrillo. My fine plot !
I'm a fot,
If I know what
Thefe gentlefolks are at.
Fernando. Paft the perils of the night,
Tempefts, darknefs, rude alarms ;
Phcebus rifes clear and bright,
In the luftre of your charms.
Lorenza. O, charming, I declare,
So polite a cavalier ! ,
He underftandsthe duty,
And homage due to beaaty.
D. Scipio Brsvo! O braviHimo !
Lorenza. Caro ! O cnriflimo !
How f'Aeet his honey words,
Ho:v noble is his mien !
D. Seipio. Fine feathers make fine birds,
The footman's to be feen.
But both deferve a bafting !
Pe/friJ/9. Since morning I've been failing.
/). Silpio. Yet I could laugh for anger.
Pcdnlh. Oh, I could cry for hunger.
D. Sc'pio. 1 could laugh.
Pedrillo I could cr>\
D. Scipio. I could qnaff,
Pedrillo. So could I.
D. Scipio. Ha, ha, ha ! I'm in a fit.
Ptdrillo. Oh, I could pick a little bit.
D. Sc:pio. Ha, ha, ha !
Pedrillo. Oh. oh, 0)1 !
Lorenza. A very pleafant party !
Fernando. A whimfical reception !
D Scipio. A whimfical deception !
Eut matter and man accept a welcome hearty.
Fernanda 7 Accept our thnnks fincere, for fuch a welcome
Pedrjllo ^ hearty.
EXD OE ACT I.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 135
ACT II,
SCENE I.
An Apartment in the Caftk.
Enter DON C.ESAR (with precaution.)
DON C/ESAR.
THUS far I've got into the Caftle unperceived
I'm certain Sanguino means the old gentle-
man a mifchief, which nature bids me endea-
vour to prevent. I faw the rafcal flip in at the
poftern below; but where can he have got to i
{A /tiding pannel opens in the ivainfcot. Enter thro*
it SANGUINO.) Yes, yonder he ifllies like a rat
or a fpider. How now, Sanguino!
Sang. Captain Ramirez !
DonC. On enterprize without my know-
ledge ! What's your bufinefs here ?
Sang. Revenge ! Look (Jhews ajlilhtto.} if
I meet Don Scipio
Don
\tf THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Don C. I command you to quit your pur-
pofe.
Savg. What, no fatisfaclion for my wound
laft night, and lofe my booty too !
Don C. Your wound was chance Put up-
We mail have noble booty here, and that's our
bufmefs But you feem to know your ground
here, Sanguino?
Sang. I was formerly Matter of the Horfe to
Count D'Olivi the laft refident, fo am well ac-
quainted with the galleries, lobbies, windings,
turnings, and every fecret lurking place in the
caftle.
Don C. Ha, ha, ha ! Well, I have hope o'er
our booty here, we can afford to laugh at pad
dangers.
AIR. Don C*fa?.
As homeward from the neighb'ring fair,
His grain well fold, difpell'd his care,
With jpcound hafte the thrifty fwain
Trips o'er the mead and Ikims the plain,
He flops ! He views .Oh, dire amaze ! ,
His flock, his cottage all a blaze I
But haft'ning on he looks around,
The heath's on fire to clear his ground.
His jovial friends to meet him come,
To chaunt the cheerful welcome home ;
With heart-felt joy the found he hears,
And laughs away his former fears.
I mift Spado at the mufter this morning did
he quit the cave with you ?
Spa. (without) As fure as I'm alive it's fact*
Sir,
Don C. Isn't that his voice ?
Sang.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. t 3?
Sang. Impoffible !
DtnC. Hufli! (they retire.)
Enter DON SCIPIO and SPADO.
DonS. Yes, I've heard of fuch places; but
you fay you've been in the cave where thefe
ruffian banditti live ?
Spa. Moft certainly, fir ; for after having
robb'd me of five hundred doubloons, the wick-
ed rogues barbaroufly ftripp'd, tied me neck and
heels, threw me acrofs a mule like a fack
of corn, and led me blindfold to their infernal
cavern.
Don S. Poor fellow !
Spa. There, Sir, in this fkulking hole the
villains live in all manner of debauchery, and
dart out upon the innocent traveller like beafts
of prey.
Don S. Oh, the tygers ! juft fo they fattened
upon me laft night, but your fellow fervant
Pedrillo, our {ham Fernando, made 'em run
like hares; I gave him my purfe for his
trouble tho'.
Spa. And he took it ! what a mean fellow !
-you ought not to have ventured out un-
arm'd 1 always take a blunderbufs when I go
upon the road the rafcal banditti are moft pi-
tiful cowards.
Don S. What a glorious thing to deliver thefe
reprobates into the hands of jufHce.
Spa. Ah, Sir, 'twould be a blefied affair
Oh, Pd hang 'em up like mad dogs !
Don S. Well, you fay you know the cave?
Spa. Yes, yes, I flipp'd the handkerchief from
my eyes and took a peep, made particular ob-
VOL, i. T ferva-
j 3 8 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
fervations of the fpot; fo get a ftrong guard,
and I'll lead you to the very trap door of their
den.
Don S. then we'll furprize them, and you'll
have the prayers of the whole country, my ho-
neft friend.
Spa. Heav'n knows, Sir, I have no mo-
tives for this difcovery but the publick good, fo
I expet the country will order me a hundred
piftoles as a reward for my 'honed y.
Don C. Here's a pretty dog ! (apart.)
Sang. Ay, ay, he han't long to live.
(apart.)
Don S. An hundred piftoles !
Spa. Sir, have an eye upon their Captain as
they call him, he's the moft abandon'd, impu-
dent, profligate (fuddenly turningfees'Don Cacfar,
whojhe'ws a pi/lot.) Captain did I fay. (terrified.)
Oh, no ; the Captain's a very worthy good na-
tur'd fellow I meant a fcoundrel, who thinks
he ought to be Captain, one Sanguino, the
moft daring, wicked and bloody villain that
(turning the other 'way perceives Sanguine ivitb a
piftol.) but indeed, I found Sanguine an honeft
good natured fellow too (with increafed terror)
Don S. Hey, a bloody, wicked, honeft, good-
natur'd fellow ! what is all this ?
Spa. Yes ; then, Sir, I thought, I faw thefe
two gentlemen, and at that inftant, I thought
they looked fo terrible, that with the fright, I
auuoke.
Don S. Awoke ! what then, is all this but a
dream you have been telling me ?
Spa. Ay, fir, and the moft frightful dream I
ever had in my life. I'm at this inftant fright'n-
cd out of my wits.
t)on
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; \'$$
"Don S. You do look frighten'd indeed poor
man ! I thought this cave was
Spa. Don't mention the cave or I faint
heigho !
Enter VASQUEZ^
Vaf. Dame Ifabel would fpeak with you,
fir.
Don S. I'll wait on her.
Spa. Yes I'll wait on her. (going bo/lily.}
Don S. You ! (he don't want you.
Spa. Dear Sir, {he can't do without me at this
time. [Exit Don Scipio.
I come, (going.)
Don C. No you flay. (pulh him back.)
Spa. Ah, my dear Captain, (affefting furprize
and joy.} What, and my little Sanguine too !
Who could of thought of your finding me out
here!
Don C. Yes ; you are found out.
Spa. Such difcoveries as I have made in the
caftle !
Don C. You're to make difcoveries in the forefl
too.
Sang. Our cave !
Spa. Oh, you overheard that ! Didn't I hum
the old fellow finely ? Ha, ha, ha !
Sang. And for your reward, traitor, take this
to your heart. [Offers tojlab him.
Don. C. Hold, Sanguino
Spa. Nay, my dear Sanguino, flay ! What the
devil So here, I can't run a jeft upon a filly old
man, but I muft be run thro' with aftiletto 1
Don
1 2
143 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Don. C. Come, Spado, confefs what really
brought you here.
Spa. Bufinefs, my dear Sir, bufinefs, all in
our own way too, fqr I defign'd to let every man
of you into the caftle this very night, when all
the family are in bed, and plunder's the word
Oh, fuch a delicious booty ! pyramids of plate,
bags of gold, and little chefts of diamonds !
Sang. Indeed!
Spa. Sanguino, look at that clofet.
Sang. Well !
Spa. A glorious prize !
Sang. Indeed !
Spa. Six chefts of maffy plate ! Look, only-
look into the clofet ; wait here a moment, and
I'll fetch a mafter-key that mall open every one
of them.
Don C. Hey ! Let's fee thofe chefts.
Sang. Maffy plate ! Quick, quick, the mafter
key.
Spa. I'll fetch it.
Sang. Do, but make hafte, Spado.
Spa. I will, my dear boy.
[Exit Sanguino into tie clofet.
My good honeft Oh, you two thieves ! (afide.)
[Exit Spado.
DoriC. Yes, I'll avail myfelf of the power^my
influence over our Banditti has put into my
hands j this night mall give me pofleflion of the
caftle ; I'll fee if terror can't reftore that right of
which injuftice has deprived me perform my
promife to Alphonfo, quit my honeft compani-
ons carry my fpoil to Florence, and with my
fond little Lorenza enjoy the delights of love and
competence.
Re-enter
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. i*t
Re-enter SANGUINO.
Sang. A valuable booty, I dare fay, Cap-
tain.
Don C. (Looking in.) Ay, to judge by the
form of the chefts they do feem full of clumfy old
plate.
Sang. If we can but convey it off.
Don S. Yes. but I infift, Sanguino, no more
of the poniard.
Sang. It's fheath'd Enough But, Captain,
if this little rafcal, Spado, Ihould turn informer
and difcover us,
Don S. (without) I'll be with you prefently,
Dame.
DonC. Away, a way, to your lurking
place.
Sang. Yes, yes, thofe pregnant chefts muft be
delivered.
\_they ha/lily retire into panneL
Enter DON SCIPIO.
DonS. Now, Spado, I hey, where is my
little dreamer ? but why is this door open j this
clofet contains many valuables -Why will they
leave it open ? Let's fee (goes into the clofet,)
Enter SPADO (-with a portmanteau^
Spa. (as entering.) I have no key How-
ever I have ftol'n Don Fernando's portman-
teau as a peace offering for thefe two raf-
cals ! (lays it on table.) Are you there ! What
a pity the coming of my fellow-rogues !
I Ihould have had the whole caftle to my-
felf
1 4 2 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
felf Oh, whaf a charming feat of work for
a man of my induftry (Jpeaking at clofet door.)
You find the chefts there You may convey
them out at night, and as for cutting Don Sci-
pio's throat that I leave to
Enter DON SCIPIO,
Don S. Cut my throat ! What are you at
your dreams again ?
Spa. (ajide) Oh, zounds ! Yes Sir, as I was
telling you.
Don 8. Of a little fellow you have the worft
dreams I ever heard.
Spa. Shocking Sir then I thought
Don S. Hold, hold, let me hear no more of
your curft dreams.
Spa. I've got off, thanks to his credulity.
\afide.
Don S. What portmanteau's that ?
Spa. I'm on again ! (afide.)
Don S. Fernando's I think.
Spa. (affefti?igfurprife) What, my matter's
fo it is. But 1 wonder who could have brought
it here. Ay, ay, my fellow fervant Pedrillo is
now too grand to mind his bufinefs; And my
matter I find, tho' he has taken the habit fcorns
the office of a fervant So I muft look after the
things my felf.
Don S. Ay, ay, take care of them.
Spa. Yes, Sir, I'll take care of them !
Don S. Ha, ha, ha ! what a ftrange whim-
fical fellow this mafter of yours! with his plots
anddifguifes. Think to impofe upon me too.
But I think I'm far from, a tool.
Spa.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; 143
Spa. (looking archly at him.'] That's more than
I am.
Don S. So he pretends not to know you, tho*
he has fent you here as a fpy to fee what you
can pickup?
Spa. Yes, Sir, I came here to fee what I can
pickup, (takes up the portmanteau.)
Don S. What an honeft fervant ! he has an eye
to every thing. [Exit Don Scipio.
Spa. But before I turn honeft, I muft get
fomewhat to keep me fo.
AIR Spado.
In the forefthere hard by,
A bold robber late was I,
Sword and blunderbufs in hand,
When I bid a trav'ller ftand :
Zounds deliver up your cam,
Or ftrait I'll pop and flam,
All among the leaves fo green-o,
Damme, fir,
If you ftir,
Sluice your veins,
Blow your brains,
Hey down.
Ho down,
Derry, derry down,
All amongft the leaves fo green-o.
II
Soon I'll quit the roving trade,
When a gentleman I'm made ;
Then fo fpruce and debonnaire,
'Gad, I'll court a lady fair ;
How I'll prattle, tattle, chat,
How I'll kifs her, and all that,
AH amongft the leaves fo green-o!
How d'ye do ?
How are you ?
Why
144 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA,'
Why fo coy ?
Let us toy,
Hey down,
Ho down,
Derry, derry down,
All amongft the leaves fo green-o.
Ill
But ere old, and grey my pate,
I'll fcrape up a fnug eftate ;
With my nimblenefs of thumbs,
1*11 foon butter all my crumbs.
When I'm juftice of the peace,
Then I'll mafter many a leafe,
All amongtt the leaves fo green-o.
Wig profound,
Belly round,
Sit at eafe.
Snack the fees,
Hey down,
Ho down,
Derry, derry down,
All amongft the leaves fo green-o.
SCENE II.
A Saloon.
Enter FERNANDQ.
Per. A wild fcheme of my father's to think of
an alliance with this mad family ; yes, Don
Scipio's brain is certainly touch'd beyond cure,
his daughter, my cara fpofa of Italy don't fuit
my idea of what a wife fliould be no, the love-
ly novice, this poor relation of Dame Ifabel has
caught my heart. I'm told t -morrow file's to
be
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA: tjg
IDC immur'd in a convent i what if I afk Dame
Ifabel, if but ihe, and indeed Don Scipio carry
themfelves very ftrangely towards me I can't
imagine what's become of my rafcal Pedrillo.
Enter PEDRILLO, in an elegant morning gown^ cap
and flippers.
Ted. Strange, the refpect I meet with in this fa-
fnily; I hope we don't take horfe after my maf~
ter's wedding. 1 I fliou'd like to marry here my-
felf ^before I unrobe I'll attack one of the maids!
Faith a very modifti drefs to go courting in
hide my livery and I am quite gallant.
Per. Oh, here's a gentleman I haven't feen yet.
Ped. Tolderol
Fer. Pray, Sir, may I -Pedrillo! (furprifed)
where have you hey ! what, ha, ha, ha ! what's
the matter with you !
Ped. Matter! Why Sir, I don't know how
it was, but fome how or other laft night, I hap-*
pen'd to fit down to a fupper of only twelve co-
vers, crack'd two bottles of choice wine, flept in
an embroider'd bed, where I funk in down, and
lay 'till this morning like a diamond in cotton.
So, indeed, Sir, I don't know what's the mat-
ter with me.
F-er. I can't imagine how, or what it all
means.
Ped. Why, Sir, Don Scipio, being a gentle-
man of difcernment, perceives my worth, and
values it.
Fer. Then Sir, if you are a gentleman of fuch
prodigious merit, be fo obliging, with fubmiflion
to your cap and gown, to pull off my boots.
{Pedrillo fto'ops)
VOL. i. g Enter
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA,*
Enter VASQUEZ.
Vaf. Sir, the ladies wait breakfaft for
(to Pedrillo, who rijes haftily.)
Fer. My refpects, I attend 'em.
Vaf* You ! I mean his honour here.
Ped, Oh, you mean my honour here.
Per. Well, but perhaps my good friend, I
may chufe a dilh of chocolate as well as his ho*
nour here.
Vaf. Chocolate, ha, ha, ha ! (with ajneer)
fed. Chocolate, ha, ha, ha !
Fer. I'll teach you to laugh, Sirrah ! (Jlrikei
Pedrillo}
Ped. Teach me to laugh ! you may be a good
matter, but you've a very bad method hey for
chocolate and the ladies.
\_Exeunt Pedrillo and Vafquez*.
Per. Don Scipio fhall render me an account
for this treatment, bear his contempt, and be-
come the butt for the jefts of his infolent fer-
vants! As I don't like his daughter, I have now
a fair excufe, and indeed ajuft caufe to break
my contract, and quit his caftle; but then, I
leave behind the millrefs of my foul. Suppofe I
make her a tender of my heart but that might
offend, asfbe mull know my hand is engaged to
another. When I look'd, me turn'd her lovely
eyes averted dooni'd to a nunnery !
AIR. Fernando.
My fair one like the blufhing rofe,
Can fweets to every ienfe difclofe :
Thofe l\vects I'd gather, but her fcorn
Then wounds me like the lharpeft thorn.
r THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 147
"With fighs each grace and charm I fee
Thus doom'd to wither on the tree,
'Till age {hall chide the thonghtlefs maid,
When all thofe blooming beauties fade.
Hey, who comes here ? oh the fmart little Sou-
brette who feems fo much attach'd to the beauti-
ful novice No harm to fpeak with her
Enter CATALINA;
So my pretty primrofe !
Cat. How do| you do, Mr. (fert and fami-
liar} 1 don't know your name.
Per. Not know my name ! You muft know
who I am tho', and my bufmefs here, child ?
Cat. Lord, man, what fignifies your going
about to fift me when the whole family knows
you're Don Fernando's footman.
Per. Am I faith ? Ha, ha, ha ! I'll humor this
(afide} Well, then, my dear, you know that I
am only Don Fernando's footman ?
Cat. Yes, yes, we know that, notwithftanding
your fine clothes.
Per. But where's my matter ?
Cat. Don Fernando ! he's parading the gallery
yonder in his mam livery and morning-gown.
Per. Oh, this accounts for twelve covers at
fupper, and the embroider'd bed ; but who could
have fet fuch a j eft a going ? I'll carry it on tho'
*(afide} So then after all I am known here ?
Cat. Ay, and if all the importers in the caftle
were as well known, we fhou'd have no wedding
to-morrow night.
Ftr. Something elfe will out I'll feem to be
in the fecret, and perhaps may come at it
i? 2 (a(ide\
148 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
(afide) Ay, ay, that piece of deceit is much
worfe than ours:
Cat. That ! what then you know that this Ita
lian lady is not Don Scipio's daughter, but
Dame Ifabel's, and her true name Lorenza ?
Per. Here's a difcovery ! (aftde) Oh yes, I
know that.
Cat. You do ! Perhaps you know too, that
the young lady you faw me fpeak with juft now
is the real Donna Victoria?
Per. Is it poffible ! Here's a piece of villainy !
(afide) Charming ! let me kifs you, my dear
girl, (ki/es her)
Cat. Lord, he's a delightful man ! (afide)
er. My little angel, a thoufand thanks for this
precious difcovery.
Cat. Difcovery ! Well if you did not know-
it before, hang your aflurance, I fay but I
muft about my bufinefs, can't play the lady as
you play'd the gentleman, I've fomething elfo
to do ; fo I defire you won't keep kiffing me her$
11 day.
I have a lover of my own,
So kind and true is he j
As true, I love but him alone,
And he loves none but me.
I boaft not of his velvet down,
On cheeks of rofy hue,
His fpicy breath, his ringlets brown
I prize the heart that's true.
So to all elfe I muft fay nay;
They only fret and teaze :
Pear youth, 'tis you alone that may
Come court me whgn you pleaie.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 14$
I play'd my love a thoufand tricks,
Jn feeming coy and fhy ;
'Twas only, 'ere my heart I'd fix,
I thought his love to try.
So to all elfe, &c. [Exit.
Per. Why what a villain .is this Don Scipio !
ungrateful to but I fcorn to think of the fer-
vices I render'd him laft night in the foreft, a
falfe friend to my father, an unnatural parent to
jhis amiable daughter! Here my charmer comes.
[Retires,
Enter VICTORIA.
Vic. Yes Catalina muft be miftaken, it is im-
poflible he can be the fervant, no, no ; that dig-
nity of deportment and native elegance of man-
ner can never be aflum'd, yonder he walks, and
my fluttering heart tejls me, this is really the
amiable Fernando, that I muft refign to Dame
Jfabe.l's daughter.
Per. Stay, lovely Victoria !
Vic. Did you call me, Sir ! Heav'ns what have
I faid ! (confufed) I mean, Senor, wou'd you wifli
to fpeak with Donna Victoria ? I'll inform her,
Sir. (going)
Fer. Oh, I cou'd fpeak to her for ever, for
ever gaze upon her charms, thus transfix'd with
\vonder and delight,
Vic. Pray, Senor, fuffer me to withdraw. 1
Per. For worlds I wou'd not offend; but
think not lady, 'tis the knowledge of your qua,-
Jity that attracts my admiration,
pic. Nay, Senor
1 5 o THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA:
Per. I know you to be Don Scipio's daugh-
ter, the innocent victim of injuftice and oppref-
fion, therefore I acknowledge to you, and you
alone, that whatever you may have heard to the
contrary, I really am Fernando de Zelva.
Vie. Senor, how you became acquainted with
the fecret of my birth I know not ; but from an
acquaintance fo recent, your compliment I re-
ceive as a mode of polite gallantry without a
purpofe.
Per. What your modefty regards as cold com-
pliments, are fentiments, warm with the deareft
purpofe ; I came hither to ratify a contract with
Don Scipio's daughter! you are his daughter,
the beautiful Victoria, deftin'd for the happy
Fernando. Concurrent to a parent's will, my
hand is your's already. And thus on my knees
let me make an humble tender of my heart.
Vic. Pray, rife, Senor ! My father perhaps
even to himfelf cannot juftify his conduct to me;
But to cenfure that, or to pervert his inten-
tions, wou'd in me be a breach of filial duty.
AIR. Victoria.
By woes thus furrounded, how vain the gay fmile
Of the little blind archer, thofe woes to beguile \
Tho' fkilful, he mifies, his aim it is croft,
His quiver exhausted, his arrows are loft.
Your love, tho' fincere, on the object you lofe,
{djide) How fweet is the paffion! Ah, muftlrefufe^
If filial afteftion that paffion ftiould fway,
Then love's gentle dictates I cannot obey.
Fer. And do you, can you wifli me to efpoufe
Signora Lorenza, Isabella's daughter? Say you
do not, do but fatisfy me fo far.
>THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA . i 5 i
F/V. Senor, do not defpife me if I own, that
before I faw in you the hufband of Don Scipio's
daughter, I did not once regret that I had loll
that title.
Per. A thoufand thanks for this generous, this
amiable condefcenfion, Oh, my Victoria! If
fortune but favours my defign, you lhall yet
triumph over the malice of your enemies.
Vic. Yonder is Dame Ifabel, if me fees you
fpeaking to me, fhe'll be early to fruftrate what-
ever you may purpofe for my advantage. Se-
nor farewell !
Fer. My life, my love adieu !
[Exit Viftoria
DUET. Viftorla and Fernando*
"Idalian queen, to thee we pray,
; Record each tender vow ;
As night gives place to chearful day*
Let hopes of future blifs allay,
The pangs we fuffer now.
Fer. This is fortunate ; the whole family ex-
cept Victoria, are firmly pofleft with the idea
that I am but the fervant. Well, fince they will
Lave me an impoftor, they mall find me one ;
In heav'n's name, let them continue in their
miftake, and beflow their mock Victoria upon
my mam Fernando. I mail have a pleafant and
juft revenge for their perfidy ; and perhaps ob-
tain Don Scipio's real, lovely daughter, the mm
of my wifhes. Here comes Don Scipio now to
begin my operations.
Enter
j S i THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA;
Enter DON SCIPIO.
Don S. Ay here's the impudent Valet.
Per. (as wijhing Don Scipio to overhear him) Pol
quite weary of playing the gentleman, I long to
get into my livery again.
Don S. Get into his livery ! (a fide)
Per. Thefe cloaths fall to my fhare however j
my mafter will never wear 'em after me.
Don S. His mafter ! ay, ay ! (afide)
Per. I wifli he'd own himfelf, for I'm certain
Don Scipio fufpects who I am.
Don S. Sufpect ! I know who you are, (ad-
vancing) So get into your livery again as faft as
you can.
Per. Ha, my dear friend, Don Scipio, I
was
Don S. Friend ! you impudent rafcal ! I'll break
your head if you make fo free with me. None
of your fwaggering, Sirrah. How the fellow
acts, 'twasn't for nothing he was among the
{trolling players, but harkee, my lad, be quiet,
for you're blown here without the help of your
trumpet.
Per. Lord your honor, hpw came you to know
that I am Pedrillo ?
Don S. Why I was told of it by your fellow
hold, I muft not betray my little dreamer tho'
(^//^yNomatter who told me; I but here
comes your mafter.
Per. Pedrillo ! The fellow will fpoil all ; I wifli
I had given him his leflbn before I began with
Don Scipio. (efide)
Don S. I hope he'll now ha' done with his
gambols.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 153
for. Sir, my matter is fuch an obflinate gen-
tleman, as fure as you ftand here, he'll ftill deny
himfelf to be Dob Fernando.
Don S. Will he ? then I'll write his Father an
account of his vagaries.
Enter PEDRILLOV
1W. Matter ! mall I fhave you this morning ?
Don S. Shave ! Oh, my dear Sir, time to give
Over your tricks and fancies.
Ped. (furprifed') My tricks and fancies !
Per. Yes Sir, you ire found out.
Ped. I am Found out !
Don S. So you may as well confefs.
Pea. What the devil (hall I confefs.
Don S. He flill perfiftsl Harkee, young gen-
tleman, 1'il fend your father an account of your
pranks, and he'll trim your jacket for you.
fed. Nay, Sir, for the matter o* that, my fa-
ther <could trim your jacket for you.
Don S. Trim my jacket, young gentleman !
Ptd. Why, he's the bed taylor in Cordova!
Don S. His father a taylor in Cordova !
Per. Ay, he'll ruin all {qfide) Let me fpeak
to him. Tell Don Scipio you are the matter.
(apart to Pedrillo}
'Ped. I will, Sir.-*-Don Scipio you are the
totter.
Do*S. What!
Fer. Stupid dog \ (apart to Pedrillo) Say you
are Fernando^ and I am Pedrillo.
Ped. I will Sir, you are Fernando, and I am
Pedrillo.
Fer. Dull rogue ! (ofide) I told you, Sir, hefd
peifift in it ! (apart to Don Scipio}
TOL. i, x Don
i 5 4 THE CASTLB OF ANDALUSIA:
Don. S. Yes, I fee it ; but I tell you what Don
Fernando-*
LORENZA./fogJ Without.
My daughter ! don't let your miftrefs fee you
any more in this curfed livery. Look the
gentleman, hold up your head egad, Pedrillo's
acting was better than your natural manner.
Per. Ah, Sir, if you were to fee my mafter
drefs'd the livery makes fuch an alteration !
Don S. True ! curfe the livery.
Ped. It's bad enough; but my mafter gives
new liveries on his marriage.
Per. An infenfible fcoundrel ! (afidi)
Enter LORENZA^
Lor. Oh, Caro Signer, every body fays that
you are (to Fernando} not Don Fernando.
Don S. Every body's right, for here he ftands
like a young taylor of Cordova, (to Pedrillo)
Lor. Oh, what ? then this is Pedrillo ?
(to Fernando)
Per. At your fervice, Ma'm. (bowing)
Pcd. That Pedrillo ! then, who am 1 ?
Per. Here rogue, this purfe is yours fay you
arc Don Fernando, (apart to Pedrillo)
Ped. Oh, Sir now J underftancl you. True,
Don Scipio, lam all that he fays.
Don S. Hey ! Now that's, right and fenfible,
and like yourfelf, but I'll go buftle about our
bufinefs for, we'll have all our love affairs
fettled this evening.
[Exeunt Don Scipio and Fernando.
Lor. So, then, you're to be my hufband, ha,
ha,
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 't$
ha, Ka ! Well, who is to have me, or who am I
to have at laft ? This ? (looking at Pedrillo) ha,
ha, ha ! Why this is ftill worfe and worfe -every
degree of lover farther remov'd from the per-
fections of my Ramirez.
Ped, Ma'm wou'd you be fo obliging as to
be fo kind as to tell a body what you intend to
get talking about now in this here cafe ?
Lor. Ah, Lord ! Ha, ha, ha ! Why, Signer,
I was reflecting what a lucky thing it is forfome
people that they are born to a great fortune.
(fnecringly)
Ped. Eh? (looks grave} Ha, ha, ha! Ma'am,
I'm (o puzzld here that my brain turns about
like a te-'o-tum, and J don't know which U
coming up, A for all or P. for put down.
lor. Ha. ha, ha! Will you love me, pray?
Ped. Eh 1
Lor Well, if not I can be as colcl as you are
indifferent.
AIR. Lorenzo
If I my heart furrender
Be ever fond and tender,
And fweet connubial joys (hall crowa
Each foft rofy hour,
In pure delight each heart fhall own
Love's triumphant pow'r.
See brilliant belles admiring,
See fplendid beaux defiring,
All for a fmile expiring,
Wheree'r Lorenza moves.
To balls and routs reibrting
Oh blifs fupreme, traniporting I
Yet ogling, flirting, courting,
'Tis you alone ibat loves.
If I my heart iurrender, &c.
[Exeunt
SCENE
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA,
SCENE III.
A Vineyard and Cottage.
"Enter ApHONsq, (with a letter.)
cruel is my fituation! Though
Captain Ramirez has fef me at liberty, to what
purpote, while my heart is Victoria's prifoner!
This generous Ramirez, means well, I believe;
but to enter into any league with a man of his
defeription Can fhe love' this Fernando ? With
all my ardour of paflion, to me fhe was cold
and infenfible ? Her marriage with Fernando
is deterrmnep! on j but, if pofiible, I'll prevent
it Yes, Philippo, the youth of the cottage here
{hall bear him this challenge.
Enter PHILIPPO from tbe Cottage, (with a Fruit-
baflct.)
PbU. Are you. fyere, Sir! Lord, Senor, why
would not you eat fome dinner with us ?
Alph. Ah, Philippo | were you in love, you'd
have little
Phil. Why, like a pretty little girl ha, ha,
ha! Cataliria above at the caftle, and next
Martlemas I intend to fall in love with her, for
then we (hall certainly be married may be Do
ftep in, Sir, and eat a bit.
Alph. No, no.
Phil. As nice an Olio Podrida
Atyh. But where now, Philippo? Going to
fdly^ur grapes?,
Pbil. Sell ! Oh, nq,-Sirj I am going to make
a prefect
THE CASTLE OP ANDALUSIA. 15?
a prefect of the earlieft and fineft clufters to Don
Scipio up at the caftle.
Al$h. Why, you're vaftly generous.
Phil. Oh, yes, Sir ; I like to make a prefent to
gentlefolksjbecaufe they always give me twice the
value of 'em j and then my Catalina gives me a
kifs her lips, fweet, foft, and pouting as thia
plump Mufcadel.
*
AIR. PHILIPPO.
In autumn ev'ry fruit I fee,
Brings Catilina to my mind ;
I carve her name on ey'ry tree,
And fmg love-fonnets in the rind.
Her forehead as the ne&rine fleek,
And brown as hazle-nut her hair is ;
'The downy peach, her blu flung cheek,
Her pouting lips two May-Duke cherries,
The birds by faireil fruits allur'd,
And I'm fweet Cattlina's bird ;
I peck, hop, flutter on my fpray,
And chirp and carrol all the day.
Alph. Well, Philippe, you'll find one
Fernando at the caitle and
Phil. Oh, ay, the great grandee that's to
marry Donna Victoria.
Alpb. Diflraaion 1 (ojide) Give him this let-
ter from me.
Phil. Yes, Sir, what is't about ?
jftpb. Ah, its only an invitation to Don
Fernando and his intended bride to an entertain-
ment I defign to give to a few felect friends at
jny villa.
' Phi/. Toafeaft, ha, ha!
158 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Aiph. But flop! Pray, Philippo, do you know
who this Captain Ramirez is ?
Phil. Don't even know where he lives fome-r
times he rides, fometimes he walks, fometimes
he runs here travels about Mayhap a hunting
in the foreft often takes a bed at our cottage,
and he pays fo handfome that he's always wel-
come.
Alpb. Ha, ha, ha ! Philippo, you're the mofl
generous difinterefted lad ! (gives money)
Phil. So I am, Sir, (looking at it) Good bye !
Al$h. You'll deliver my letter.
Phil. Ha, ha, ha ! yes, Sir (looking at the mo-
ney) Ha, ha, ha ! to think, Senor, what a pair
of lovers you and I be !
AIR DUET. ALPHONSO and PHILIPPO.
Alpb. So faithful to my fair I'll prove,
Phil. So kind and conftant to my love,
Mph. I'd never range,
Phil. I'd never change,
Both. Nor time, nor chance, my faith mould move,
Phil. No ruby clufters grace the vine,
Alpb. Ye fparkling liars forget to fliine,
Phil. Sweet flowers to ijpring.
Jllpb. Gay birds to fmg,
JSotJt. Thofe hearts then part that love mall join,
{Exeunt Jew ally.
END OF ACT II.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
ACT III.
SCENE I.
<]*}) Saloon.
Enter DON* SCIPIO and VASQUEZ.
DON SCIPIO.
33 'YE hear, Vafquez, run to Father Benedift,
tell him to wipe his chin, go up to the chapel,
put on his fpeclacles, open his Breviary, find
out matrimony, and wait 'till we come to him
[Exit Vajquez.
Then hey for a brace of weddings, i wonder
is Don Fernando a reft Oh, here comes the
fervant in his proper habiliments.
Enter FERNANDO in a livery.
Ay, now, my lad, you look fomething like.
Per. Yes, your honour, I was quite tired of
my grandeur My pafling fo well in this difguife
gives me a very humble opinion of myfelf. (af.de}
Don S. But, Pedrillo, is your matter equipp'd I
faith, I long to fee him in his proper garb.
Per. Why, no, Sir, we're a little behind hand
with
Sfo f HE CASTLE 07 ANDALUSIA.
irith our finery on account of a portmanteau of
clothes that's iniflaid fomewhere or other.
Don S. Portmanteau ! Oh, it's fafe enough -
Your fellow fervant has it.
per. Fellow fervaDt !
Don S. Ay ! the little fpy has taken it in charge*
Oh, here comes the very beagle.
Enter SPADO.
Don S. Well, my little dreamer, look ; Pe-
dnllo has got into his own cloaths again.
Spa. (furprifcd and afide.) Don Fernando in a
livery ! or is this really the fervant ! fure I han't
been telling truth all this while ! we muft face ifc
tho' Ah, my dear old friend ! Glad to fee
you yourfeif again.
[/hakes lands,
Per. My dear boy, I thank you. (afide.) So,
here's an old friend I never faw before-
Don S> Tell Pedrillo where you have left yottr
matter's portmanteau* While I go lead him in
triumph to his bride. [Exit.
Per. Pray, my good, hew, old friend, where
has your care depofited this portmanteau ?
Spa. Gorte ! (looking after Don Scipio.)
Fer. The portmanteau gone !
Spa. Ay, his fenfes quite
Fer. Where's the portmanteau that Don Scipio
fays you took charge of?
Spa. Pottmanteau ! Ah, the dear gentleman 1
Poi cmariteau did he fay ? yes, yes, all's over
with his poor brain ; yefterday his head ran upon
purfes and trumpeters and the lord knows what^
and to-day he talks of nothing but dreamers,
fpics, and portmanteaus. Yes, yes, his wits are
going. Fen
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; i6j
Per. It muft be fo, he talk'd to me laft night
and to-day of I know not what in a ftrange inco-
herent ftile.
Spa. Grief all grief.
Per. If fo, this whim of my being Pedrillo,
is perhaps the creation of his own brain, but
then, how cou'd it have run thro' the whole fa-
mily. This is the firft time I ever heard Doa
Scipio was diforder'd in his mind.
Spa. Ay, we'd all wifli to conceal it from
your matter, leaft it might induce him to break
off the match, for I don't fuppofe he'd be very
ready to marry into a mad family.
Per. And pray what are you, Sir, in this mad
family ?
Spa. Don Scipio's own gentleman, thefe ten
years Yet, you heard him juft now call me your
fellow fervant. How you did flare when I ac-
cofted you as an old acquaintance ! But we
always humour him, I fhou'd not have contra-
dicted him if he faid I was the pope's nuncio.
Per. (afide) Oh, then I don't wonder at
Dame Ifabel taking advantage of his weaknefs.
Spa. Another new whim of his, he has taken
a fancy that every body has got a ring from him,
which he imagines belong'd to hisdeceas'd lady:
Per. True, he alked me fomething about a
ring.
Don S. (without} I'll wait on you prefently.
Enter DON SCIPIO.
Don S. Ha, Pedrillo, now your difguifes are
over return me the ring, (to Fernando)
^ Spa. (apart to Fernando} You fee he's at the
ring again.
VOL. i. y Don. S.
i6t THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Don S. Come let me have it, lad, I'll give yotJ
fomething better, but that ring belong'd to my
deceas'd lady.
Spa. (to Fernando) His deceas'd lady Ay
there's the touch grief for her death.
Per. Poor gentleman ! (ajide.)
Don S. Do, let me have it, Here's five pif-
toles, and the gold of the ring is not worth a-
dollar.
Spa. We always humour him, give him this
ring and take the money.
[apart, gives Fernando a ring*
Per. ( prefents it to Don Scipio.) There, Sir.
Don S. (gives money.) And there, Sir, -Oh
you mercenary rafcal. (afide) I knew it was on
the purfe I gave you laft night in the foreft.
Spa. Give me the cafli, I muft account for his
pocket money.
[apart to and taking the money from Fernando.
Ped. (without) Pedrillo ! Pcdrillo ! Sirrah !
Don S. Kun, don't you hear your mafter, you
brace of rafcals ? Fly ! [Exit Spad.
Don S. (looking out) What an alteration !
Enter Pedrillo richly drefs'd.
Ped. (to Fernando) How now, Sirrah ? loiter-
ing here, and leave me to drefs myfelf, hey \
(with great autlwity.)
Per. Sir, I was (with humility)
Ped. Was ! and are and will be, a lounging
rafcal, but you fancy you are ftill in your finery,
you idle vagabond !
Den S. Blefs me, Don Fernando is
onate juft like his father.
Per.
THE CASTLI OF ANDALUSIA. 16^
Fer. The fellow, I fee, will play his part to
the top. (afide^
Fed. Well, Don Scipio, A hey ! an't I the
man for the ladies? I am, for I have ftudied
Ovid's art of Love.
Don S. Yes, and Ovid's Metamorphofes too,
ha, ha, ha!
Fed. (afide) Ke, he, he! what a fneaking figure
my poor mafter cuts. Egad, I'll pay him back
all his domineering over me. (fits) Pedrillo ?
Fer. Your honour.
Fed, Fill this box with Naquatoch. [Gives box.
Fer. Yes, Sir. (going)
Fed. Pedrillo!
Fer. Sir?
Fed. Perfume my handkerchief.
Fer. Yes, Sir. (geing)
Fed. Pedrillo.
Fer. Sir? 1
Fed. Get me a tooth-pick;
Fer. Yes Sir, (going)
Fed. Pedrillo !
Fer. (afide ) What an impudent dog ! Sir !
Fed. Nothing Abfcond.
Fer, (ajide) If this be my picture, I blufh for
the original.
Fed. Mifter ! to be like you, do let me give
you one kick, (afide to Fernando.)
Fer. What!
Fed. Why, I won't hurt you much.
Fer. I'll break your bones, you villain;
Fed. Ahem, tol de rol.
Don S. Pedrillo !
Fed, Sir? (forgetting himfelf)
Fer. (apart) vVhat are you at yourafcal?
Fed. Ay, what are you at you rafcal ? avoid !
(to Fernando)
y 2 Fer,
164 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Per. I'm gone, S.ir. \Ex\t*
Ped. Curft ilUnatur'd of him, not to let me
give him one kick, (a/ide)
Don S. Don Fernando, I like you viftly.
Ped. So you ought. Tol de rol. Who cou'd
now fufpecl me to be the fon of a taylor, and
that four hours ago, I was a footman, (ajide)
Tol de rol.
Don S. Son-in-law, you're a flaming beau !
Egad you have a princely perfon.
Ped. All the young girls whenever I got be-
hind infide of the coach all the ladies of dif-
tinction, whether they were making their beds,
or drefling the drefling themfelves at the toi-
lette, wou'd run to the windows, peep thro*
their fingers, their fans, I mean, fimper behind
their handkerchiefs, and lifp out in the fofteft,
fweeteft tones, Oh, dear me, upon my honour
and reputation, there is not iuch a beautiful
gentleman in the world, as this fame Don Pe-
drill Fernando.
Don S. Ha, ha, ha ! can't forget Pedrillo.
But come, ha' done with your Pedrillo's now
Be yourfelf, fon-in-law.
Ped. .Yes, I will be yourfelf's fon-in-law, you
are fure of that honor, Don Scipio, but pray
what fortune am I to have with your daughter ?
You are a grey-headed old fellow Don Scipio,
and by the courfe of nature, you know you can-
not live long.
Don S. Pardon me, Sir, I don't know any
fuch thing.
Ped. So when we put a (tone upon your
bead
Don S. Put a ftone upon my head !
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 165
Ped. Yes, when you are fettled fcrewed
down, I fhall have your daughter to maintain,
you know.
Don S. (fi/ide) A narrow-minded fpark !
Fed. Not chat I wou'd think much of that,
I am fo generous.
Don S, Yes, generous as a Dutch ufurer.
\afidt.
Ted. The truth is, Don Scipio I was always
a fmart young gentleman.
[Dances andfmgs.
Don S. Since Don Fernando turns out to be
fuch a coxcomb, faith I'm not forry that my old
child has efcap'd him: A convent itfelf is bet-
ter than a marriage with a monkey. The poor
thing's fortune tho'! And then my ion I be-
gin now to think I was too hard upon Cxfar
to compare him with this puppy, but I muft
forget my Children, Dame Ifabel will have me
upon no other terms, (afide^}
Fed. D'ye hear, Don Scipio, let us have a
plentiful feaft.
Don S. Was ever fuch a conceited, empty, im-
pudent [Exit.
Fed. Yes, I'm a capital fellow, ha, ha! So
my fool of a mafter fets his wits to work after a
poor girl that I am told they are packing into a
convent, and he drefles me up as himfelf to car-
ry the rich heirefs. Donna Victoria! Well I'm
not a capital fellow ! but I was made for a gen-
tleman gentleman ! I'm the neat pattern for a
Lord I have a little honour about me, a bit of
love too; ay, and a fcrap of courage, perhaps
Jiem ! I wim I'd a rival to try it tho' od, I
think I could fight at any weapon from a needle
to a hatchet.
Enter
i66 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Enter PHILLIPPO, with a letter and Eajket.
Phil. Senor, are you Don Fernando de
Zelva ?
Ped Yes, boy.
Phil Here's a letter for you, Sir, from Don
Alphonfo.
Ped. I don't know any Don Alphonfo, boy.
What's the letter about ?
Phil. I think, Sir, 'tis to invite you to a
fcaft.
Ped. A feaft! -Oh, I recoiled* now, Don
Alphonfo, what ? my old acquaintance ! give it
me, boy.
Phil. But, arc you fure, Sir, you're Don
Fernando ?
Ped. Sure, you dog ! don't you think I
knowmyfelf let's fee, let's fee (Opens the letter
and reads.) " Senor, tho' you feem ready to fall
M to on a love-feaft, I hope a fmall repaft in the
" field won't fpoil your ftomach" Oh, this is
only afnack before fupper. " I fhall be at fix
o'clock this evening" You dog it's paft fix now
" in the meadow near the Cottage of the
Vines, where I expect you'll meet me." Oh
dear, I mail be too late! " As you afpire to
" Donna Victoria, your fword muft be long
" enough to reach my heart, Alphonfo." My
fword long enough ! (frightened) Feaft ! this is
a downright challenge.
Phil. I beg your pardon, Senor, but if I
hadn't met my fweetheart, Catalina, you would
have had that letter two hours ago.
Pt4. Oh, you have given it time enough my
brave boy.
Pbil;
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 167
Phil. Well, Sir, you'll come?
Ped. Eh ! Yes, 1 dare fay he'll come.
Phil. He!
Ped. Yes, I'll give it him, my brave boy.
Phil. Him ! Sir. didn't you fay you were
Ped. Never fear, child, Don Fernando fhall
have it.
Phil. Why, Sir,an't you Don Fernando?
Ped. Me, not I, child, no, no. I'm not Fer-
nando, but, my boy, I would go to the feaft,
but you have delay'd the letter fo long, that I
have quite loft my appetite Go, my fine boy.
Phil. Sir, I
Ped. Go along, child, go ! (puts Philippo off)
however Don Fernando fliall attend you but
here comes my fpofa
Enter LORENZA, reading a letter.
** Deareft Lorenza ! By accident I heard of
<e your being in the caftle if you don't wifli to
" be the inftrument of your mother's impoli-
" tion, an impending blow, (which means you
" no harm) " this night mail difcover an impor-
" tant fecret relative to him who defires to re-
" fign ev'n life itfelf, if not your RAMIREZ."
(Ktffes the letter) I wifh to be nothing, if not
your Lorenza ; this foolifh Fernando ! (looking
at Pedril'o) but, ha, ha, ha ! I'll amufe myfelf
\vith him looks tolerably now he's drefs'd, not
fo agreeable as my difcarded lover Alphonfo tho*.
(afide)
Ped. I'll accoft her with elegance How do
you do, Senora.
Lor. Very well, Signer, at your fervice.
Drefles exactly like Prince Radifocani !
Ped.
- Xtfg T AE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.'
Ped. Now I'll pay her a fine compliment *Se-
nora, you're a clever little body Will you fit
down, Senora ? (hands a chair}
Lor. So polite too !
Ped. Oh I admire politenefs. (fits)
Lor. This would not be good manners in Flo-
rence tho' Signer.
Ped. Oh ! (rljes) I beg pardon Well, fit in
that chair; I'll affure you, Donna Victoria, I
don't grudge a little trouble for the fake of good
manners, (places another chair)
Lor. Voi cette molto gentile, (curtfies)
Ped. Yes, I fit on my feat genteelly I find I
underftand a good deal of Italian. Now to
court her, hem ! hem ! what fhall I fay ? Hang
it, I wifli my matter had gone through the whole
bufinefs to the very drawing of the curtains.
I believe I ought to kneel tho'. (afide) (Kneels)
Oh, you moft beautiful Goddefs, you angelic
angel ! (repeats.
For you, my fair, I'd be a rofe
To bloom beneath that comely nofe ;
Or, you the flower and I the bee,
My fweets I'd Tip from none but thee.
Was I a pen, you paper white,
Ye gods, what billet doux I'd write ! >
My lips the feal, what am'rous fmacki
I'd print on yours, if fealing-wax.
No more I'll fay, you ftop my breath.
My only life, you'll be my death. [ r '/ ff >
Well faid, little Pedrillo! (wipes his knees)
Lor. There is fomething in Don Fernando's
paflion extremely tender, though romantic and
extravaganza.
Ped. Oh, for fome fweet founds, Senora, if
you'll
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 169
you'll fing me a fong, I'll (lay and hear it, I'm
io civil.
Lor. With pleafure, Signer.
AIR. Lorenza.
Heart beating,
Repeating,
Vows in palpitation,
^ Sweetly anfwers each fond hope ;
Prithee leave me,
You'll deceive me
After other beauties running;
Smiles fo roguiih, eyes fo cunning
Shew where points the inclination. [Exeunt,
SCENE II.
A Gallery in the Cajlle.
Enter FERNANDO, ALPHONSO and VICTORIA.
Fer. Give me joy, Alphonfo, father Benedict
in this dear and wifli'd for union has this mo-
ment made me the happieit of mankind.
Alph. Then it is certain all you have told me
of my Vidoria ?
Vic. True indeed, Alphonfo, that name really
belongs to me.
Alpb. No matter, as neither lineage, name or
fortune caught my heart, let her forfeit all, fhe
is ftill dear to her Alphonfo.
Fer. Courage, I'll anfwer you mall be no ex-
ception to the general joy of this happy night.
VOL. I. 7.
i 70 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Alph. Happy, indeed, if bleft with my
renza.
Come ye hours, with blifs replete,
Bear me to my charmer's feet !
Cheerlefs winter muft I prove,
Abfent from the maid I love ;
But the joys our meetings bring
Shew the glad return of fpring- [Exeunt'i
SCENE III.
A vieiv of the outftde of the Co/lie^ with Meat an$
Drawbridge.
Enter DON CAESAR, and SPADO.
Don C. You gave my letter to the lady ?
Spa. Yes, I did, Captain Ramirez.
Don C. Lucky me knows me only by tha$
name, (a/lde)
The Billet Doux, ah, didft thou bear,
To my Lorenza charming fair?
I fee how look'd the modeft maid,
I hear the gentle things ihe faid.
The mantling blood her cheek forfakes,
Bt quick returns the rofy hue ;
With trembling haile the feal me breaks,
And reads my tender Billet Doux,
The Billet Doux when I receive,
I prefs it to my throbbing heart ;
Sweet words I cry, fuch joys you give,
Qh, never never thence depart,
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA; >?t
And now it to my lips is preft,
But when the magic name I view,
Again I clafp it to my breaft,
My fond, my tender Billet Doux !
Spa. A love-affair, hey,- Oh, fly !
Don C. Hafli ! Mind you let us all in by the
little wicket in the eaft rampart.
Spa. I'll let you in, Captain, and a banditti is
like a cat, where the head can get in the body
will follow.
Don C. Soft ! Letting down the drawbridge
for me now, may attract obfervadon. (looking
out) Yonder I can crofs the moat.
Spa. But my dear Captain ! If you fall into
the water, you may take cold.^I wifh you were
at the bottom with a (lone about your neck,
(afide)
AIR. Don Cafar.
At the peaceful midnight hour,
Ev'ry fenfe> and ev'ry pow'r,
Fetter'd lies in downy fleep ;
Then our careful watch we keep j
While the wolf in nightly prowl,
Bays the moon with hideous howl,
Gates are barr'd, a vain refiftance 1
Females Ihriek ; but no affiftance,
Silence, or you meet your fate 5
Your keys, your jewels, cafh and plate j
Locks, bolts, bars, foon fly afunder,
Then to rifle, rob and plunder.
[Exit Don Cxfar*
Spa, I fee how this is -our Captain's to carry
off the lady and my brethren all the booty,
what's left for me then ? No, devil a bit they'll
give me Oh, I muft take care to help myfelf
in time Got nothing yet but that portman-
z 2 teau,
,*r< THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.'
teau, a few filver fpoons and tops of pepper-
caftors ; let's fee-, I've my tools here ftill (takes
cuts piftols) I'll try and fecure a little before thefc
fellows come, and make a general fvveep Eh,
(looks out} My made-up Fernando! [Retires.
Enter PEDRILLO.
Fed. He, he, he ! Yes, my matter has certain*
ly married the little nunnery-girl Ha, ha, ha !
Don Alphonfo to demand fatisfadion of me! no,
no, Don Fernando is a matter for the gentlemen,
I am a man for the ladies.
AIR. Pcdrilh.
A foldier I am for a lady,
What beau was e'er arm'd compleater ?
When face to face,
Her chamber the place,
I'm able and willing to meet her.
Gad's curfe, my dear lafles, I'm ready
To give you all fatisfaftion ;
I am the man
For the crack of your fan,
Tho' I die at your feet in the aflion.
Your bobbins may beatt up a row-de-dow,
Your lap-dog may out with his bow-wow-wow,
The challenge in love,
I rake up the glove,
Tho' I die at your feet in the aftion.
Spa. (advances} That's a fine fong, Senor.
Fed. Hey ! did you hear me fing ?
Spa. I did, 'twas charming.
Fed. Then take a pinch of my Macquabah.
(offer s, Spado takes.)
Spa. Now> Senor, you'll pleafe to difcharge
my little bill.
Fed.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 17;
/W. Bill ! I don't owe you any
Spa. Yes, you do, Sir; recoiled, didn't you
ever hire any thing of me ?
Fed. Me! no!
Spa. Oh, yes ; I lent you the ufe of my two
fine ears to hear your fong, and the ufe of my
moft capital nofe to muff up your Macquabah.
Fed. Eh! what do you hire out your fenfes
and organs.
Spa. Yes, and if you don't inftantly pay the
hire, I'll ftrike up a fymphonia on this little bar-
rel-organ here, (fiews a piftol)
Fed. Hold, my dear Sir there (gives mo-
ney) I refufe to pay my debts ! Sir, I'm the
mod punctual ( frighten* d) but if you pleafe,
rather than hire them again, I'd chufe to buy
your fine nofe and your capital ears out and
out.
Spa. Hark'ee (in a low tone) You owe your
Donfiiip to a fineffe of mine, fo mention this,
and you are undone, Sirrah !
Fed. Sir! (frighten d) Dear Sir! (Spado pre-
fers piftol) Oh, lord, Sir ! [*//.
Spa. Ha, ha, ha ! They call me little Spado
why I am not big but even Sanguine allow'd I
was a clever little fellow. Aftonifhing how a
foul like mine, cou'd be pack'd in fo fmall a
compafs, but if worth is to be eftimated by bulk,
then muft the Orient pearl give way to the
goofe's egg, and the mofs rofe to the reel cab-
bage.
AIR. Spado.
Tho' born to be little's my fate,
Why fo was the great Alexander ;
And when I march under a gate,
I've no need to floop like a gander j
I'm
$74 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA,
I'm no linkum long hoddy-doddy,
Whofe paper kite fails in the Iky ;
If two feet 1 want in my body,
In foul I am thirty feet high !
II.
Sweet lafs, of fweet love can you fail,
With fuch a compad little lovy?
Tho' no one can talte the big whale,
All relilh the little anchovy.
The eagle, tho' for an high flyer,
Of fine-feather'd fowl is the crack,
Yet when he cou'd fly up no higher,
The little wren jump'd on his back.
En'er PHFLIPPO towards the dofe of tie air.
Phil. Lord, Sir! I do vaftly like your finging.
Spa. Oh, then you heard my fine fong.
Phil. Yes, Sir.
Spa. How did you get in ?
Phil. In !
Spa. Did you pay at the door ?
Phil. What door, Sir ?
Sfa. What door, Sir! the door of this fpa-
cious theatre.
Phil. Theatre ! Lord, Sir, are'nt we out in
the open air ?
Spa You little equivocating fneaking fcoun-
drel! wou'd you cheat, defraud a man of ge-
nius out of the reward of his talents ? What,
hear my fweet fong, and not pay or your mu-
lick.
Phi!. Pay !
Spa.. O, ho ! I fee fomebody's likely to be
robb'd here! Look'e friend, I'm not to be
bilk'd, -fo if you don't this inflant pay, I mud
difcharge
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 175
difcharge my door-keeper, here he is -(Jbews a
/>!>/)
Phil, (crying) And muft I give all the money
Don Scipio gave me for my whole bafket of
grapes, (gives money) A plague o' your mufick \
Oh, oh \ [Exit crying.
Spa. What, you villain ! I fufpeft prefently
this houfe will be too hot for me, yet the devil
tempts me ftrongly to venture in once more, if
I cou'd but pick up a few more articles Kcod,
I'll venture, tho' I feel an ugly fort of tickling
under my left ear Oh, poor Spado ! [Exit,
SCENE IV ; and loft.
A HcM in the CaJtU.
Enter SPADO.
Spa. So many eyes about 1 can do nothing ;
if I cou'd but rails a commotion to employ their
attention Oh ! hei e's Don Juan, father to Fer-
nando, ju(t arriv'd Yes, to mix up a fine con-
fufion now aye, that's the time to pick up
the loofe things but hold, I am told this Don
Juan is very paffionate heh ! to fet him and
Don Scipio together by the ears Ears! I have
it.
Enter DON JUAN in a travellmgdrefs, and Servant.
Don J. My coming will furprize my fon Fer-
nando, and Don Scipio too tell him, I'm
here I hope I'm time enough for the wedding.
[Exit Serv.
Spa, A grim looking old gentleman!
{Bows obfequioufly.)
DonJ.
i;f THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA;
Don J. Who's dog are you ?
Spa. How do you do, Scnor ?
Don J. Why, are you a phyfician ?
Spa. Me a phyfician ! Alack-a-day, no, your
honour, I am poor Spado.
Don J. Where's Don Scipio ? What is this
his hofpitality ? he has heard that 1 am here ?
Spa. He hear ! Ah, poor gentleman hear !
his misfortune !
Don J. Misfortune ! what, he's married again ?
Spa. At the brink.
Don J. Marry and near threefcore, what, has
he loft his fenfes ?
Spa. He has loft nearly one, Sir.
Don J. But where is he ? I want to aflc hhr*
about it.
Spa. Afk, then you muft fpeak very loud, Sir.
Don. J. Why, is he deaf?
Spa. Almoft Sir, the dear gentleman can fcarce
hear a word.
Don J. Ah, poor fellow ! Hey ! Isn't yonder
my fon ? (walks tip.}
Spa. Now if I could bring the eld ones together,
I fhouldn't doi:bt of a quarrel.
Enter DON SCIPIO.
DonS Ah, here's my friend Don Juan I Spa-
do, I hope he han't heard of his fon's pranks !
Spa. Hear ! Ah, poor Don Juan's hearing !
I've been roaring to him thefe five minuces.
Den S. Roaring to him !
Sj>a. He's almoil deaf.
Don S. Blefs me !
Spa. You muft bellow to him like a fpeaking-
trumpet. [Exit Spado.
Don S.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 177
\
Don S. (very loud.) Don Juan, you are wel-
come.
Don. J. (ftarting.) Hey ! Strange that your
deaf people always fpeak loud (very loud.) I'm
very glad to fee you, Don Scipio.
Don S. When people are deaf themfelves, they
think every body elfe is fo How long have you
been this way. (bawling.)
Don. J. Juft arriv'd. (bawling in his car.)
Don. S. I mean as to the hearing ?
\Very loud.
Don J. Aye, I find h's very bad with you.
(bawling.) I mall roar myfelf as hoarfe as a raven.
Don S. My lungs can't hold out a converfation :
I muft fpeak by figns (makes figm)
Don J. What now, are you dumb too ?
Enter VASQJJEZ. Whifpers Don SCIPIO.
Don S. Oh, you may fpeak out, nobody can
hear but me.
Don J. [/ Vafquez] Pray, is this crazy fool
your mafter here going to be married ?
DonS. What! (fuprifed.)
VaJ. Don Fernando wou'd fpeak with you,
Sir. (to Don Seipio.) [Exit VASQIJEZ.
Don S. I wifh he'd come here, and fpeak, to
this old blockhead his father Don Juan, you
are welcome to my houfe but IwUh you had ftaid
at home, (in a low tene.)
Don J. I am much oblig'd to you. (enraged)
Den S. You'll foon fee your fon : as great an
afs as yourfelf. (in a low toue.)
Don J. An afs ! you lhall find me a tyger, you
old whelp !
DonS. Why, zounds, you're not deaf !
Don J. A mad ridiculous I-
VOL i. A A Enttr
iy8 THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Enter FERNANDO and VICTORIA.
Fernando ! hey, boy, what drefs is this ?
per. My farher Sir J I
Din S. (to Victoria.) What are you doing with
that fellow ?
Vic. Your pardon, deareft father, when I own
that he is now my hufband.
Don S. By this ruin, this eternal difgrace upon
my houfe am I punifh'd for my unjuft feverity to
my poor fon married to that rafcal.
Don J. Call my fon, a rafcal !
DonS. Zounds, man! who's thinking of your
fon? But this fellow to marry the girl and difgrace
my family.
Don J. Difgrace ! He has honoured your fa-
mily, you crack-brained old fool !
DonS. A footman honour my family, you fu*
perannuated deaf old ideot !
Enter Dame ISABEL;
Oh, Dame, fine doings ! Pedrillo here has mar-
ried my daughter.
Den J. But why this difguife what is all this
about ? tell me, Fernando.
Jfa. What, is this really Don Fernando ?
Don S. Do you fay fo, Don Juan ?
Don J. To be fure.
Don S. Hey ! then, Dame, your daughter is
left to the valet -no fault of mine tho'.
Jfa. What a vile contrivance ?
Per. No, Madam, your's was the contrivance,
which love and accident have counteracted in jultice
to this injured lady.
Jfa. Oh, that villain Spado.
Don J. Spado ! why that's he that told me you
were deaf. Don Si
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. 179
Don S. Why, he made me believe you cou'd
not hear a word.
ffa. And led me into this unlucky error.
{Exit ISABELLA:
Don J. Oh, what a lying fcoundrel !
Enter SPADO, (behind.)
Spa. I wonder how my work goes on here !
(Roars in Don JUAN'S ear.) I give you joy, Sir.
Don J. I'll give you forrow, you rafcal !
(beats him.)
Don S. I'll have you hang'd, you villain !
Spa. Hang'd ! dear Sir, 'twould be the death
of me.
Fed. (without.) Come along, myCaraSpofa
tol-de-rol---(E;?/*tt) How do you do, boys and
girls- Zounds ! my old mafter !
Don J. Pedrillo ! hey day ! here's finery !
fed. I muft brazen it out : Ah, Don Juan,
my worthy dad !
Don J. Why, what in the name of but I'll
beat you to a mummy, firrah !
Fed. Don't do that I'm going to be married
to an heirefs, fo muftn't be beat to a mummy
jLady Hand before me, (gets behind Victoria) .
Don J. Let me come at him.
Spa. Stay where you are, he don't want you,
Spa. Dear Sir.
Don S. Patience, Don Juan, your fon has got
my daughter, fo our contract's fulnll'd.
Don J. Yes, Sir 3 but who's to fatisfy me for
your intended affront, hey !
Don S. How (hall I get out of this I'll re-
venge all upon you, you little rafcai ! to prifon
you go Here, a brace of Alguazils, and a pair
of hand- cuffs,
A A 2 Sfa.
i8o THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
Spa. For me ! the bed friend you have in tha
world !
Don S. Fiiend, that (han't fave your neck.
Spa. Why I'vefav'd your throat.
Don S. How, Sirrah ?
Spa. Only two of the banditti here in the caftle
this morning.
Den S. Oh, dear me !
Spa. But I got 'em out.
Don S. How, how !
Spa. I told 'em they fhould come and murder
you this evening.
Don S. Much oblig'd to you. Oh, lord !
[A craft) and tumultuous noife without, bandit-
ti nifa in arm'd^ Don Csefar at their bead y
Fernando draws andftands before Victoria.]
Band. This way !
Don S. Oh, ruin ! I'm a miferable old man !
Where's now my C^far, if I hadn't banifh'd him
J fhould now have a protector in my child.
Don C, Then you fhall Hold ! (to Banditti)
My father ! (kneels to Don Scipio.)
Don S. How ! Casfar !
Don C. Yes, Sir drove to defperation by,
my follies were my own but my vices
Don S. Were the confequence of my rigour-
My child ! let thefe tears wafti away the remem-
branpe of the paft.
Don C. My father ! I am unworthy of this
goodncfs I confefs ev'n now I enteied the caftle
with an impious determination to extort by force -
Sang. Captain, we didn't come here to talk-,
Give the word for plunder,
Sand. Aye, plunder ! (very tumultuous.)
Don C. Hold !
(fop, Captain, let's have a choice rumaging.
(cccks
V
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA. ,g %
Ted. Oh, Lord ! there's the barrel-organ !
Don C. Stop ! hold ! L command you,
Don S. Oh, heav'ns then is Ramirez the terri-
ble Captain of the cut-throats, the grand tyger of
the cave ? but all my fault ! the un-natural pa-
rent fhould be punifh'd in a rebellious child ! My
life is yours.
Don C> And I'll preferve it as my own. Retire
and wait your orders.
[Exeunt all Banditti but Spado.]
Don S. What, then, you are my protector.
My dear boy ! Forgive me! I, I, I pardon all.
Don C. Then, Sir, I (hall firft beg it for my
companions, if reclaim* d by the example of their
leader, their future lives (hew them worthy of mer-
cy, if not, with mine let them be forfeit to the
hand of juflice.
Don S. Some, I believe, may go up Ehj
little Spado, could you dance upon nothing ?
Spa. Yes, Sir 5 but our captain, your fon muft
lead up the ball. {Bows.)
Don S. Ha, ha, ha ; Well, though ill-beitow'd,
I muft try my intereil at Madrid. Children, I
afk your pardon ; forgive me Victoria , and take
my bleffing in return.
Vic. And do you, Sir, acknowledge me for
your child ?
Don S. I do, I do, and my future kindnefs
fhall make* amends for my pad cruelty.
Fed. Ha, here comes my fpofa- Eh ! got a
Cicefbco already ?
Enter AIPHONSO and LORENZA.
Don C. My beloved Lorenza ! (n Embrace )
Lor. My deaiefl,
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA.
My good Captain ! as I knew this Lady
only by the name of Vicloria, you little imagined
in your friendly promifes to me, you were giving
away your Lorenza; but, had I then known we
both loved the fame miftrefs, I fhould e're now
have relinquifhed my pretenfions.
Lor. My good-natured Alphonfo ! Accept
my gratitude, my efteem, but my love is, and
ever was, in the pofleffion of Don Caefar.
Don C, Dear father, this is the individual Lady
whofe beauty, grace, and angelic voice, capti-
vated my foul at Florence ; if me can abafe her
fpotlefs mind to think upon a wretch degraded
by his lawlefs irregularities, accompany her par-
don with your approbation to our union.
Lor. My Csefar ! let every look be forward tQ
happinefs.
DUET Cafar and Lorenza.
My foul, my life, my love how great !
Sweet flower fo long neglefted,
Our joys are rapture when we meet,
A bleffing unexpected.
The envious clouds now chafe away,
Behold theradient god of day,
Arife with light eternal crown'd,
To guild the glorious landfcape round.
DcnS. Ifabcl has been too good, and I too
bad a parent ! ha, ha, ha ! then fate has decreed
you are tube my daughter fome way or other.
Eh, Signora.
Ted. Yes, but has fate decreed that my fpofa
is to be another man's wife ?
Spa. And, Sir, (to Scipio.') if fate has decreed
that yourfonis not to be hanged, let the indul-
gence extend to the humbled of his followers.
(Bows.)
DonS.
THE CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA' 183
Don S. Ha, ha, ha ! Well, tho' I believe
you a great, little rogue, yet it feems you have
been the inftrument of bringing about things
juftas they fhould be. .
Don J. They are not as they fhould be, and I
tell you again, Don Scipio, I will have,
Don S. Well, and fhall have a bottle of the
beft wine in Andalufia, fparklhig Mufcadel,
bright as Victoria's eye, and fweet as Lorenza's
lip ; hey, now for our brace of Weddings
where are the violins, lutes, and cymbals? J fay
let us be merry in future, and paft faults, our
good-humour 'd friends will forget and forgive.
FINALE. GLEE.
Social powers at pleafure's call
Welcome here to Hymen's hall ;
Bacchus, Ceres, blefs the feaft,
Momuslend the fprightly jeft,
Songs of joy elate the foul,
Hebe fill the rofy bowl,
Every chafte and dear delight,
Crown with joy this happy night.
THE END.
LE
GRENADIER.
IN THREE PARTS.
INTENDED TO HAVE BEEN PERFORMED AT THE
tHEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN,
IN 1789.
THF MUSICK BY MR. SHIELD.
VOL. I. B g
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
Count Clementin, Mr. BANNISTER.
Count de Lorge,
Governor of the Baftille,
M. Pincemaille,
Dubois (a Grenadier, fon to Ambroife), Mr. JOHNSTONE.
Acorn (an Englilhman),
Martin, (a Soldier), Mr. DUFFY.
Ambroife (a veteran Officer), Mr. DARLEY.
Auftin (a Prieft), Mr. POWELL.
Arnold (an Exempt),
Robert (an Invalid),
Savetier (a Cobler), Mr. EDWIN.
rpi r (Chrildren of the Military!
as V School, and fons to Am-
1
j otnuui, a.nu lulls lu nm- r
J a 1 ues I broife), 3
Alderfeldt (an Officer in the German
fervice), ,..'
Pere Anthony (a Brother of St. Lazare),
Madame Clementine, MifsPLATT.
Henriette, Mrs. MOUNTAIN.
Alice,
Madelaine, , Mrs. MARTY*.
Friars of all orders, German Guards, French Guards,
Invalids, Noblefle, Citizens, Children of the De-
pot des gardes Fran5oifes, Peafants, Jailors,
Exempts, Women, Children, Prifoners, &<.
SCENI, Parif.
LE
GRENADIER.
P A R T L
SCENE I.
A view near Menilmontant in the vicinity of tie
Fauxbourg >"'/. Antoine , on one fide Madame Cle-
mentine's HoujeA Ccu't and Gate on the other
a *Tree with a Seat under it near the front.
ENTER Trows and Jaques hand in hand, in
their uniform- they look, laugh and jump with
great joy , then run and hide behind a tiee, and
archlv peep out.
Enter Amb oife looks about him for Thomas
and Jiques they fuddenly Itart out from behind
the tree, and with joy fpring into his arms.
Enter Dubois Tender and affectionate to his
father and brothers, who bring Ambroife off
with great glee. Hennette appears at a window
of Madame Clementine's houie, fmiles at Du-
bois; he falute*. refpe&tully ; Che enters haHily
from the houfe through the gate Dubois with
gallantry and complaifance invuesher to ftt down
fi B 2 OH
1 88 LE GRENADIER.
on the feat under the tree ; he paffionate and
tender; flie liftens with affection.
AIR. Dubois.
Hark to the tinkling of yon brook,
Upon it's flow'ry margin look ;
Thro' this green mead, tho' free to ftray,
While you are here it feems to fay,
In plaintive murmurs, Let me flay,
Ah cruel Seine why afk me yet,
1 cannot leave fweet Henriette.
II.
For thee my fair the violets fpnng,
To pleafe my love, the fweet birds fing ;
Or was't thy thrilling voice dear maid I
No, Cupid calls from yonder made,
And he muft ever be obey'd.
Beneath that tree the loves are met,
And there I'll court my Henriette.
III.
To look around thro' all mankind,
Some darling paffion fways the mind.
The greedy mifer pants for gold,
A nation's for ambition fold,
And fame leads on the foldier bold.
Fame, gold, ambition, all are met,
In one fweet fmile from Henriette.
He leads her to the bench-, they lit. Diflant
{houts Dubois and Henrie'te liften.
Enter Martin. Acquaints Dubois that the peo-
ple are aflembltng to repa-r to M. Pincemaile's
hoii r r, with ddign to make him give up his mo-
nopolized corn. Dubois draws his fword. Hen-
ricrte endeavours to difluade him from going;
they part tenderly. ^.xtunt Dubois and Martin.
The former in nib ardour having forgot his muf-
quet
LE GRENADIER. 189
quet and grenadier's hat on the bench. Hen-
riette diftrefled.
Enter Madame Clementine from the houfe, in-
troducing the Governor ; prefents him to Hen-
riette as a lover. She rejects him with dif-
dain. He entreats Madame Clementine to in-
terpofe her authority in his favor ; this (he de-
clines, unwilling to force her daughter's incli-
nations. The Governor looking on the bench,
fees Dubois* hat with thena f ional green cockade
and the mufquet, fnatches up the hat in great
fury, upbraids Henriette with giving the prefe-
rence to fo mean a rival, tears out the cockade,
throws it on the ground, and treads on it.
Madame Clementine with indignation againft the
Governor, picks up the cockade, prefents it to
her daughter, commands her to wear it next her
Jieart, and defires the Governor to fee Henriette
po more. He greatly enraged, Hill having Du-
bois' hat in his hand, who returns for his muf-
quet, fees the hat and claims it. Madame
Clementine points to the cockade in Henriette's
breaft, alking him if it is his ; he acknow-
ledges it Madame Clementine with great joy
looks on Du Bois, authorifes Henriette to re-
ceive his addreffes. The Governor filled with
much anger and contempt feems greatly morti-
fied. Shouting without ; the Governor alarm'd ;
Dubois fmiles at him with exultation, acquaints
Madame Clementine that the people are going to
break open PincemaiUe's granaries, and diitri-
bu'te to the poor the corn at a reafonable price.
['Exit the Governor haflily and agitated.
Madame Clementine \vith fpirit, encourages Du
bois to go and aflltt the people, to which Hen-
riette with reluctance agrees.*
DUET.
?90 LE GRENADIER.
DUET.
Henriettc and Dubois.
/fen. Generous foldier do not go
To fight, when there's no foreign foe.
D*!>. Do not wrong the glorious caufe,
Againft the abufe but not the laws.
At firfl the godlike flame began,
To give mankind the claims of Man.
Hen. My fears fuch boding ills prefage,
Bleil Angels flill my foldier guard;
A nation's good his thoughts engage,
A nation's praife the bright reward.
Du6. Sweeteft, beft, of womankind,
Sooth my love thy troubl'd mind;
When tempeiluous tumults roll,
This aflurancecalm thy foul.
Thy Guillaume fcorns a rebel's name,
Wor treafon ftain his fword with fhame.
Hen. Ah me !
Db. My Henriette 1
Hen. Go.
Dub. The proud humanity mail know.]
With patriotic zeal I burn.
Hen. Go, and in civic wreaths return.
\JExit Dubois.
Shouts encreafe.
Madame Clementine looks after him with joy
and zeal : Henriette expreffing doubts and fears
f^r his fafety, determines to follow. Madame
Clementine cheats her. [Exeunt.
SCENE
LE GRENADIER, j,i
SCENE II.
A Jlreet before Pincemaille's magazine.
People of all defcription, men, women, and
children forcibly carrying lacks of flour from it.
Acorn confpicuoufly adive. Enter Pincemaille at
the fide in rage and forrow, endeavours in vain to
prevent them, runs in defpair imploring the
feveral characters, as they are carrying off the
flour ; they deride him and ftill proceed. Enter
Alderfelt with a body of the Royal Allemandc.
Pincemaille y gives them all money, beieachin^
him to oppofe the plunder of his granary : they
attack the people, recover great part of the
flour and replace it in the houfe. Pincemaille
with joy fpims them up. Enter Dubois and
Martin heading a party of grenadiers with the
national cockades. They engage the Royal
Allemande with great vigour, oblige them to
retire, the people rally, headed by Acorn, aeain
faze the corn and bear it oft with acclamations.
Enter Henrtettt, joyful to find Dubois fafe, they
embrace. Re-enter Acorn, fakes Dubois heartily by
the hand and applauds his valour. Enter Madams
Clementine and Auftin, Ihe addrefles Dubois
with great affeftion and praifeforhis lad adion
Lnter leveral old people meagre and wretched, they
return tnanks to Dubois. Madame Clementine
comments on their mifery to Pincemaille, upbraids
him as the caufe, then looking on the granary
with d* doors broke open, turns and fmiles oa
Fmcemaille with contempt and exultation at this
piece of juftice for his trampling on the national
cockade, and his oppreffion of 5 the poor , gives
Hennette's hand to Dubois. Enter Martini
forne
io LE GRENADIER.
fotne refpeftablc citizens. They give Pincemaille
a written paper and a bag of money, gold, filver,
and copper, the produce of his flour, which they
had fold at the halle at a moderate price to the
poor : Pincemaille with rage flings it on the
ground. Dubois takes it up and gives it to the
poor people. Pincemaille endeavours to take it
from them, but is prevented by Acorn, who puts
them off. Pincemaille with frantic rage pointing
to the granary threatens revenge upon 'em all.
This at laft irritates the foldiers ; they rufti on,
leize him, and Martin makes a ftroke of his fword
as to behead him, but his life is fpared by the
interceflion of Henriette and Madame Clementine,
who are led off by Dubois. Exeunt*
SCENE III.
Lff Palais Royal. Sieur C.urtlus's cabinet of wax*
'work conflict/tons .
Enter citizens and people of all ranks expreffing
filent forrow. Some go to Sieur Curtius's cabinet
he enters from it. They demand the wax bufts of
the Due D'Orleans and M. Necker, he brings
them out, the people cover part of them with
black crape, carry them high over their heads,
they all take off their hats and huzza. En'er,
Martin and his party of French grenadiers. They
join with the people in doing honours to the two
b u its. [ Exeunt
SCENE
LE GRENADIER." 193
SCENE IV.
A Street. Savetier dij "cover' d in his Jlall, working,
ftnging and drinking.
Sav. I have juft finiih'd my work (fakes up a
bottle. Goes tojillout a^lafs.} Yes I have finilh'd
(Turns the bottle up). Some man they fay, roll'd
a ftone up a hill, and no fooner up than it roll'd
down : fo there was all that lads work to do over
again now when I empty the bottle it ftays
empty tho* I have no objection to do all that
work over again. I'd take a nap if I thought
nobody would attack my property.- (Tawnsand
falls afleep.)
Enter MAD ELAINE witb a Bajket of Flowers.
Mad. Achetez ma belle Rofe, mon beaux^
Jafmin D efpagne, ma belle Giroflee blanche me
beaux oieletts deux.
AIR. Madelaihe.
Ma^, Mes beaux oieletts doux -come my pretty pinks
buy,
How brilliant the feafon, how fweet is the cry,
The Lady, the Bilhop, the Count and Marquis ;
The Pinks of gay Paris, their pinks buy of" me ;
They always pay double, yet fmile on me too,
When they hear the fweet cry of my beaux oieletts
doux.
II.
To the gard'ner I offer my money to pay,
For the pinks J buy of him ) my dear he fays nay ;
Since I faw your lov'd "foot when you ftepp'd o'er
yon ftyle ;
I'd give my whole garden to you for a fmile.
At his word I then took him, with dear Sir, adieu,
Yet I paid him his fmile. and then beaux oiletts
doux,
joi,. i c c A very
194 LE GRENADIER.
Ill
A very fine Lord ; but a vile naughty man,
Would purchafe my pinks but my perfon trepan f
He took out his iiiuff-box, and cried with an air,
" Ah ma chere mon ange ; you are devilifh fair/*
He fain would havekifs'dme.---! cried taifez vous,
Yet his Lcuis 1 took, and then beaux oillets doux.
Ay, if my drunken hufband was as in-
duQrious as I am, we mould live as happy as any
couple in the Fauxbuorg St. Antoine. Lord if
he is'nt fallen afkep (looking at him?} Why
you lazy devil. Here's a dainty hufband for
fuch a pretty girl as.me ! I've heard of one Mifs
Venus that us'd to fell myrtles, fhe married a
Mr. Vulcan, a blackfmith. I'm fure I've made
a mere Venus of myleif to many a cobler ; why
Saveticr ! Savetier ! here's a bit of fvveet briar for
you my dear, the patriotic colour My Hero,
and a nettle for you my dai ling- (fats him 'with
tbefioiuers.}
Sav. (Starting out of his fie e$.} My property.
Heels, foals, {hoes, pumps, itiaps, lapftone, ends
and pegging-awls !
Mad^ Ha, ha, ha !
Sav. Oh, w'ife is it you. (Yawns, gets out of
his ft ail.'} Oh you awoke me from the fweeteft
dream.
Mad. Ay, but are your children to get bread
by your dreaming ?
Sav. My dear, I thought : Kifs me Made-
laine.
Mad. You're not fo fond of kifiing in the houle
that you fliou'd get t it in the open ttreets.
Sav. Such aorcam ! 1 thought that I was Arch
Bifhop of Paris, th.u i was pi caching a fermou
at None Dame, and that as 1 was explicatifying
=..-Q the text, ilouriihing my arms over my head
like
LE GRENADIER. 19;
like a mad kettle drummer, and beating the un-
fortunate cufhion with as little mercy as if t'was
my own poor lapftone. Out flys from one of my
fleeves a flipper of the Queens, it (kirns round
the church ; the piqued toe hits the king in the
eye, whizzing down, knock'd the fceptre out of
his left hand into his right; rebounding up ac
the bread of the Governor of the Baftile flaps
off his upper button, andftriking the elbow of
an Engiidi baker, with an oak flick in his fifr,
it fell on the toupee of Dubois the grenadier,
and it inftamly fprouted into green leaves round
his forehead ; and my dear Madelaine, as you
were offering me one of your fweet rofes, I
thought at that moment in ftepped the devil. .
(Enter Pere Anthony) He! he ! he! wife, did you
ever fee any thing fo apropos.
Ant. Save you.
Sav. Ay five us from thee. If I had men-
tion'd the black gentleman fooner, I mould have
been cut off in the middle of my dream he ! he !
he ! talk of the he ! he ! he ! and he ! he !
he! (looks at father Antbony figmficantly.']
Mad. Throw out fuch inunendes upon his
reverence. Oh ! upon my reputation my dear
you are a reprobate.
Ant. Madelaine you have confefled but twelve
times fince Eafter.
Mad. Oh holy father, my hufband here is the
\vorft man.
Sav. You jade confefs your own wickednefs
and never mind mine.
Ant. Come with me child and let his fins fall
upon his own head.
Sav. If me goes with you I am afraid her fins
will fall upon my head.
c c 3 Mad
196 LE GRENADIER. ,
Mad. Why hufband do you know what 3
Friar is ? Done you know he canpunifhyou
bring you into the church.
Saw. Ay and let him bring my ftall into his
church and then I'll be a Prebend.
Mad. Do you hear him Father ? he's the moft
curfedell do you know
AIR Savetier.
Gayj friends we'll have a jovial bout,
Our wine and care difpatching,
And he that's fad, why, turn him out,
For grief they fay is catching.
Then (hake your heel and fhake your toe,
Since freedom there's rare news of,
We'll now kick high, and now kick low.
And kick our wooden fhoes off.
And where they'll drop, may puzzle all,
The doftors of the Sorboone,
The globe tarns round and let them fall
Upon a Turkifh turban.
The felfifh patriot may prate
Of King and people vapour,
ct nothing trouble now your pate
But how to cut a caper.
Then make your heel, &rc.
Exeunt,
SCENE V.
JLa Place Louts XV. the Garden ar.d Palace cj
the Tkuleries with the Pont Tournant in vtew.
Enter Guards and people with the b.ufts. A ftate
LE GRENADIER; 197.
fedan chair, brought on preceded by footmen in
green laced liveries, the people furroimd the chair,
draw the curtains, finding it open, they break it
to pieces, and feize the footmen, one of whom
looking at the people's green cockade fnearingly
remarks, that with all their patnotifm they wear '
the livery of the Count, they look at his coat and
then tear out their cockades, fling them away ;
fome rulh into the milliners fhops and return
inftantly with red and blue cockades, which they
put in their hats.
[Exit in tumult.
Enter SAVETIER MADELAINE JTZ^/PERE ANTHONY.
Sawetier feems feized with ardour difcontented
with his drefs Madelaine weeps Pere Anthony
comforts, and in condolence takes her off.
JLnter a concourfe of people with wheelbarrows, pick*
axes, /have Is, &c. &c. Jhouts of " Au champs
de Mars:'
AIR, Savetier.
Come men and boys, widows and maids,
For fiddles quitmufket and trigger,
Since Sire is now King of Spades,
Each noble fhould turn turf digger.
The altar we'll raife in the field,
The heavens our pasns mall greet,
for power got tipfey and reel'd
And tumbled at liberty's feet.
\Exeunk.
SCENE
'\3$ LE GRENADIEJI.
SCENE VI.
Lff Rue Richleau.
Enter People carrying the Buft in triumph.
Enter SAVETIER, drejjed in Regiment als t a label on.
bis backy " Un Cafitaine a Louer."
A\RSavetifr.
Tho fome me a cobler will call,
I was a neat ftitcherof pumps,
At laft I left hammer and awl,
And now I'm a dealer in thumps.
I've taken fuch courage of late,
Nor Gentles nor Nobles I dreads ;
I've leathered the feet of the great,
And now Sir, I'll leather their heads.
Hah ! Faralibobette,
Faralibobo,
Savatt Form Selette,
Sabre tire Marteau,
Faralibobette.
Faralibobo.
II.
With lapftone I'll bang the Baftile,
Then Inftep the Mafter to vamp,
His foul cafe I'll tap on the heel,
And I'll make him kick out at the lamp.
My bufmefs of late fo decay'd,
No cafti could I raife for the booze,
But I'll foon have a flourifliing trade,
Since no more we (hall wear wooden (hoes.
Hah ! Fara. &c.
*
My wax end I'll give to the Pope,
To the German I'll give a few knocks,
An Irifliman taught me to tope,
And an Engliih Jew learn'd me to box.
For
LE GRENADIER.
199
For liberty now I will fight,
When I can't I'll perhaps run away,
I'm Crifpin Swifs, Heftor fo tight,
Cobler, captain for all that will pay.
Hah ! Fara. &c.
Enter ALDERFELT, and the Royal Alemande, fome
of them throw out gibes at the buds, are reproved
by Robert, he's pufh'd down, one of the Germans
makes a ftroke with his fword at one of the bufts,
it's broken, the people incenfed, attack the Soldiers,
with (tones, clubs, &c. Mufquetry is heurd
withoutAlarm bell rings and a general cry
fc Aux Armes." German Guards are driving
off the people.- Enter Dubois and Martin head-
ing a party of grenadiers, with national cock-
ades, (blue and red,) they engage the Royal
Allemande with vigour oblige them to retire.
Enter Henriette, Madame Clementine and Auftin.
Proceffion of men and women, as to the marriage
of Dubois and Henriette.
AIR and CHORUS.
Gentle Venus for a while
Calm the tumult with a fmile,
Let no care dilturb the rite,
Blefs with joy the wedding night.
Women. So brave is the youth !
Men. And fo handfome the maid.
Women. 'Tis valour.
Mi, a. 'Tis beauty.
All. Now call for thy aid.
Chorus. Yet if the florin needs muft blow,
And dangers fierce impending j
Women. He courage has to flrike the foe,
Men. She beauty worth defending.
Chorus. Yet if the ftonn, &c. [Exeunt.
The procejfion led by Auftin> as to the marriage of
Henriette and Dubois.
END OF THE FIRST PART.
\
200 LE GRENADIER.
PART II.
SCENE I.
The Boulevards, with a View of the Depot des
Gardes Franccifis.
1HOMAS, Jaques, and the other children
of the fchool armed and in uniforms, drawn up
before it. Ambroife (landing before them fhouU
dering a large flick.
AIR Ambroife.
Come, Come to your arms my boys.
Your firelocks poize,
Shoulder,
Bolder,
With your quick manoeuvre charm each beholder,
Ground I Fort Bien ! recover !
A petit pate ! when exerciie is over,
Alons,
Charge--- prefect Fire Bon !
Cbiliren Exerci/e.)
Enter
LE GRENADIER.; 30 i
Enter MADAME CLEMENTINE, DUBOIS,
HENRIETTA, &V.
Dubois takes Jaques a-nd Thomas by the hand
and introduces them to Madame Clementine and
Hcnriette as his brothers. The Ladies prefent
Ambroife and all the Children with National
Cockades, they put them in their hats and
huzza ! Dubois and the Ladies delire the ChiL*
dren to retire into the fchool out of the way of
danger, they aflent, break their ranks, play and
walk about promifcuouily Dubois and the La-
dies take a tender leave of Thomas and Jaques ;
alk Ambroife to go with them, he fays he'll itay
Tome time longer with the boys.
[Exeunt Dubois , Mad. Clementine, Henriette, &t,
Ambroife takes papers of cakes out of his
pocket, and Hiflributes them among the chil-
dren, they e<it, laugh, play and are without any
regul u i^y going into the fchool. A volley of (hoc
at a dillauce. The Children inftantly return ;
form themselves in order of bittie, charge their
pieces with exad military di;cip ine Ambroife
ftan Is locking ar them with furprife and adrni-
rat on.
Enter Acom^ Save'ier, Qnd People, flying with
prec'pit ition. Acorn with fpint, endeavours
to nily them-K-Another volley Cries of diltrefs.
Enter Altlofiidt and the Royal A lemands pur-
fuiiitf them the pe-.ple prepire to fly The
Royal Allemande to foDow-r- I he Children in-
terpoie, form themiclves into regular lines be-
fore them, dsfcharge a volley of fmall Ihot ; tnus
repulfed, the Royal Allemaude mike a ftand.
Alderfrlt cotnmands them to tire on the Children,
they lefufe. Acorn ruihes forward and knocks
VOL, i. c c Alder-
Jos LE GRANADIER;
Alderfeldt down, but is himfelf furrounded andf
taken by fomeof the Royal Allemande and borne
off. The Children again charge, the Royal
Allemande afhamed to attack them, yet many
wounded and fome fallen, they are obliged to
retreat. The People take courage, and purfue
them ; the Women very active in this Some
of the loweft of the rabble attempt to rifle thofc
of the Royal Allemande that had fallen ; the
Children prefent their pieces at them, and they
run off in confufion feveral ways. The Chil-
dren and Ambroife exprefs pity for the wound-
ed, and with a (hew of companion call out the
Servants of the fchool, and Surgeons who have
them brought in.
AIR Ambroifc.
A Soldier I was and I buttled in wars,
On my old fhining pate I can fhew many fears.
The Army I left when I found the wars ceafe.
For little is thought of a Soldier in peace.
I fit me down quiet upon a fmall farm,
In the funmine of comfort how happy I fing.
And all my rent paid and the tax to the king,
I ftill had a bottle to keep my nofe warm.
The fnow of December tho' fhook on my head,
The fullrofe of June o'er my jolly cheeks fpread,
In the dance on the green, when my legs chanced tp
fail,
I had breath enough left for a merry old tale.
But tho' I fowed, my wheat would ne'er come to flour,
Three things ere I reap'd, would my crop all devour,
The Partridge picks the grain up, the blade the Rabbit
gobbles,
And all my corn that grew to ears, was threfh'd out by
the Nobles.
LE GRENADIER; 203
So my flail I fling away and up with my Cockade^
And hoof along the furrows away for the Parade,
Then roufe ye valiant Tiers Etat, fuccefs and triumph
wait us,
My Ploughfcare leads you on my boys, Huzza ! Old
Ciucinatus.
CHORUS OF CHILDREN.
Then roufe ye valiant Tiers Etat, fuccefs and triumph
wait us,
His Ploughfliare leads the way my boys, Huzza. \ Old
Cincinatus.
The Children, headed by Ambroife, march
i*ound, and go into the fchool huzzaing.
SCENE II.
. Laurent The Convent of St. Lazarre
in view,
Shouting without on every fide.
Enter from the Convent many of the Priefis in
terror and amazement, with their effedb, fur-
niture, plate, Wines, &c.
Enter People at the fides, run into a Blackfmith's
{hop, and bring out various implements as wea-
pons, they go to the gates of St. Lazarre the
Priefts endeavour by perfuafion to ftop them.
Enter at the fide a body of reputable Citizens
well aimed, they try to quell the tumult, but m
vain; the people rufli imo the Convent The
Citizens deliberate the People return from the
Convent wrth their plunder of Wines, Provifi-
ons, Sacks of Corn, Plate, &c,
D D a
2 04 I-E GRENADIER.
Enter from fbe Convent Pcre Anthovy> walking
before a coffin, borne by four priefts as to bu-
rial. *The people give way with reverence ; but
Savetier more bufy than the reft, getting clofe,
perceives a piece of drapery hanging out of the
coffin ; calls the people afide, points and laughs ;
they by force take and fet the coffin an end, Sa-
vetier opens the lid, and Madelaine walks out
of it.
DUET.
Savetltr and Madtlaine.
Sari A Miracle this!
The dead come to life !
It isn't
Ma<l. It i
Sav* By the Lord it's my wife !
MaJ. I died the day, that very day
That you unkind forfook me ;
And from the Grave,
My Soul to fave,
The holy Father took me.
Sav. You (hould have died at home fvveet fpouie,
Oh, what a funeral feaft;
Of all the cold meat in the hcufe,
A dead wife is the beft :
But tell me Father Anthony,
Did you make my Tantony.
Riggin,
Squeak a few ?
Tell me this, and tell me trte ?
Never mind him reverend Sir,
He's a whelp they call a cur,
That in Manger takes much box,
Not Eat himfelf, nor let the Ox.
Sav. Little fubfy there you lie,
The Prieft's the Dog, the Ox am I.
Mad* That your manners! (Jirika him} how d'ye
like it ?
LE GRENADIER. so;
Scsv. By my Captain's fword and pike, it
Is againft the Salique Law,
That fceptre wags in female Paw.
Mad. Captain ftrut without a tizzy.
Sav. Ma'am be Babylonifh MilTy. <^
Mad. March and lead tag-rag to battle.
Sav. Giggle, ogle, leer and gig it.
Mad. Powder, frizzle, and be wig it.
Sav. Lifp and ftmper, fnecr and tattle.
D ,i ? Captain ftrutt, &c.
** 5 Ma'am be, &c.
Ambroife and a great number of the opulent
citizens and of the moft refpeftable of the Tiers
Etat ftill endeavour to quiet the people, and dif-
arm the moft defperate ; then form themfelves
into order, and propofe to repair to the Hotel
de Ville to deliberate.
AIR. Ambroife.
Each Champion for his Nation,
All danger now defies ;
Our wrongs in acclamation,
In thunder, lhall arife.
And tho' we draw the fword,
'Tis not to lead a faclion ;
Our Country ! that's the word,
To dignify the Action.
Night coming on, many of the people have
lighted torches. [Exeunt*
SCENE III.
Infide of the Bajlille. A dark fa/age.
The double doors are nnlock'd, and grate up-
on the hinges .
Enter
to6 LE GRENADIER.
Enter the Governor, Lieutenant de Roi y Exempts,,
Guirds, Gaolers with bunches of keys, and Arnold
with a bundle* The Governor tells that by the
help of this, (taking a friar's drefs out of the bun-
dle) he hopes to have Henriette in his power, and
revenge himfelf on her family. He aiTifts Arnold
to put on the drefs, paufes, fays that he'll make
her father Count Clementin (now a prifoner in
the Baflille,) the inftrument to draw her into the
fnare. [Exit with Arnold*
SCENE IV.
Infide of the Baftille, an oclagonal Chamber of one
of the Towers, marked with every circumftance
of horror agreeable to defcription ; double barr'd
windows very high from the floor, double Ircn
door in the back flat, the ferfpcftive fo contrived
as tojhew the thicknefs of the Wall, by the /face
between the two Doors." In one corner a large
Iron Cage. A gloomy Lamp hanging in the centre
of the room. d dreadful clanking of chains , gra
ting of bolts, bars and binges of Iron Gates.
Enter Count Clementin, his head enclofed in an
iron mafk, his drefs tatter'd and wretchedly
negle&ed, he feems in the deepeft defpair.
AIR. Count Clementin.
Author of good, a Sun thou'ft giv'n,
To all beneath the cope of Heav'n :
Oh glorious orb ! oh joy fupreme !
For ever loft thy chearing beam j
Ah what's to him Celeftial Light,
Imprifon'd here in endlefs night.
CHO-
LE GRENADIER* 207
CHORUS OF PRISONERS.
(Suppefed from their refyeffive Dungeons).
Ah what's to us celeftial light,
Imprifon'd here in endlefs night.
A ferocious Turnkey (after much noifc of
locking and unlocking of doors, and grating of
hinges, &c.) enters with food, which the Count
feems to loath.
[Exit Turnkey with the food.
The Count appears in extreme agitation of dif-
trefs. Takes a filver plate and f jrk, looks round
\vith caution and conceals them.
* AIR. Count dementia.
From my lov'd wife, my bibe juft born,
A hufband, a fond father torn,
My anguifti can I bear !
This breaft with Loyalty tho' fraugtt,
A Traitor to my Prince I'm thought j
No comfort but defpair.
Chtr. efPri/oners. No comfort but defpair.
My food is loathfome, bed is "hard,
And chilling cold my ftony ward j
Ungentle valets tend.
Drop fcalding tears corrode my face,
Still fatal cafque my head embi ac';,
My life and forrows end.
Cbor. ofPrifoners. Our grief with life muft end.
The flower may wither in its bloom,
The lamp can wafte within the tomb,
And fountains are exhal'd.
My Senfes to my Griefs awake,
Why ftubborn heart refufe to break,
When even Hope has fail'd ?
F hi- . c/Pri/oatrs. Why ftubborn heart refufe to break,
When even Hope has fail'd ?
Du-
ao8 LE GRENADIER.
During the air re-enter Turnkey, at the back
appears to be taking down the words.
Enter the Governcr, Guards* &c The Governor
places himfelf between the door and Count Cle-
mentn. The centinels at it are doubled. The
Governor unlocks the Count's mafk, they lit
and entfr in'o converfation. A cornmiflaire un-
feen by the Count takes down his anfwers, then
puts the book in -his pocket. The Governor fees
a ring on the Count's finger, requcfts it with a
mixture of politenefs and fervility ; the Count
appears to fet the higheft value on it, and can.
not be pievailed on to part with it. The Go*
vernor changes his manner, orders the Iron Cage
forward, and commands two of the Guards to
hold him ; then forces off the Ring, and claps
the Mafk on, which he locks. The Count dalhes
himfelf on the ground as overwhejm'd with an~
guifh.
Enter Arnold in tbe friars drefs; -The Governor
with great joy gives Arnold the Ring tells him
to take it to Madame Clementine, who bv that
pledge will know her hufband lives, and will
obey in ft ructions, [Scene chfa.
SCENE V.
A Room in Madame Clementine's Hottff.
Madame Clementine, Dubois, Kenriette, Mar-
tin, Ambroife, Jiques, Thomas, and company
difcove-ed, fupper over. Dubois and Henrietta
as bride and bridegroom.
GLEE,
LE GRENADIER.
GLEE.
1 have been drinking, drinking I have been ;
J fee by your arch blinking,
You do the fame,
Then can you blame,
My eyes fly rogue for winking ;
While wine is good,
Youthful our blood,
Gay friends be blithe and bonny j
While time is now in merry mood,
Let's banim care if he intrude.
With hey ncny nony.
II.
I'm giving to loving, love is my delight;
1 fee by your arch blinking,
Love's fweet to you ;
Elfe why archly woo
My eyes fond rogue in winking ;
From your bright lip,
Sweets let me lip,
As bees from flowers take honey:
We'll laugh and kifs, and drink and fill,
And let the pleafing burthen (till,
Be hey nony nony.
Madame Clementine looks at Henriette with
tendernefs and concern, then at a whole length
portrait of a man, weeps, and feems to invoke it
for a blefling on Henriette and Dubois. They
look on it with reverence and affection, Dubois
compares the face with Henriette's; and Madam
Clementine exprefTes, by pointing to her widow's
weeds, that 'tis her deceafed Hufband. Hen-
riette appears to comfort her.
VOL. i. E 2 AIR;
LE GRENADIER:
ife.
J omA ^d b 3oq
Now fhall the honeft man be priz'd,
His bleed with Tinkers blended ;
And let .the villain be deipis'd,
From Clovis tho' defcended.
That fools fhou'd rev'rence claim from blood/
Fly hence the vile dclufion,
He's truly noble who is good,
-And this is Conftitution.
Hard knocks abroad, when I was younj.
I got upon this hard head,
With little crofs on button hung,
I was at home rewarded.
But to make up for tides of blood,
A patriot effufvon,
J drink my own and country's good>
And this is Conftitution.
Henrietta propofes a family dance the feve^
ral domeftics men and maids are call'd in
A BALLET.
The Dance over, Enter Alice, (abruptly) an-
nouncing a perfon to Madame Clementine, this
raifes the company's curiofity. Exit Alice*
She re-enters introducing Arnold in his friar's
drefs; with actions fuiting his affurned character,
he delivers Madame Clementine the Ring i at the
firft fight of it fhe's feized with amonifhment ;
fucceeded by joy, communicates the reafon of
it to the company their fuprize and pleafure.
Henriette takes the ring, looks up at the por-
trait, prefles the Ring to her lips, and puts it on
her finger. Arnold looks at the picture, points
alternately at that and the ring with feeming emO^-
tions of pleafure. Madame Clementine prepares
^vith Henriette to accompany him, as to meet
the Count according to his directions j the reft
of
LE GRENADIER. zn
of the company attempt to go with them op-
pos'd by Arnold's advice who takes off Madame
Clementine and Henriette by the hand. [Exeunt.
SCENE VI.
Nigbt t before Madame Clementine's Houfe.
A Coach at a litttje djftance, the Governor
fhews himfelf at the windows of it, the four
Guards and Exempts endeavour to hide them-
felves {landing up clofe to the wall-, Madame
Clementine's door opens. Enter from it Alice
with a light, Arnold, Madame Clementine and
Henriette. Arnold as by accident knocks the
Candle out of Alice's hand, then with many
apologies and feeming complaifance, leads the
Ladies to the Coach door. Henriette Heps in-
to the Coach, Madame Clementine following
Jjer rArnold (uddenly plucks her back.
Enter Savetier, oblerves llyly what is going
forward, makes ligns that he'll call the people
to their refcue. Two of the guards feize him,
and thruft him into the Cpach, fjiut the door,
and ftep up behind ; the Guards furround it, and
it drives rapidly off. -r-Madame Clementine
fwoons, Alice ihrieks. hater from the hoiife
Dubms, Auttin, Ambroiie and company Al^e
in contuiion and tnght tells the circuaUlance -
Madame Clementine and al), much diftrefs'd,
Dubois enragfd. [S bout tag without
Enter Martin^ Grenadier^ Citizens armed, and
a concvjurie pt pe pie 45 to the demo jihion of
, Dubois hears this with joy, encou-
& a xages
rt; LE GRENADIER.
rages them with fpirit, examines their arm?, finds
them infufHcient for the enterprife j expreffes
want of cannon. Robert advances, and pro*
pofes to go fo the Hotel des Invalids.
AIR. Dulois.
Dear Paris, native city heft bclov'd,
Forgive thy ferns by hard opprefuon mov'd ;
r J hough tumults banifh thy internal peace,
Our Rights eftabliihed, then fierce clamours ccafe,
March on ! we do not draw the fword,
To (heath it in our Country's breaft ;
But till her freedom is reftord,
Oh never fhall this arm have reft.
While Nature with a bounteous hand,
Has fhower'd her bleflings o'er our land,
How fmall alas ! the poor man's ihare ;
The Galling Yoke no longer bear.
To keep us flaves ths Great combine;
And make the lam if we repine.
Come on brave youths, let's ilrike the blow,
Our wrongs in acclamation,
Shall let our haughty Tyrants know,
The People are the Nation.
[Exeunt led by Dubois.
END OF THE SECOND PART.
LE GRENADIER.
PART III.
SCENE I.
Infide ff the Ba/litte. ,
ENTER Savetier groping his way.
RECITATIVE.
Sav. What the devil ! who's that ?
Blefs me I
It certainly rauft be-
Nobody
Very odd ! I
Two pair of feet hear
A Cat?
A Rat?
Toad or Lizard
What's the matter ?
Tho' nought before my eye; 'u
My teeth chatter
My hair uprifes
And together knock ny knees hard.
AIR.
0X4 LE GRENADIER.
AIR.
I've got into a dungeon, but how to get out
Becaufe I don't know is a matter of doubt,
Should the Governor find me, it runs in my head
If my life he mould take, then its odds but I'm dead
My two pretty ears he'll cut off fo cleaD,
But may be he'd leave my head flicking between
For the good of my country myfelf I expofe,
And glory to follow I'll follow my nofe.
II
And if I mould chance to get into the air
Of my fine dainty body he'll kindly take care,
Left by a great fall I my little toe break,
I think that he'll tie me up faft by the neck
Before the vile gibbet deprives me of life
Like Brutus, or Cato I'll fall on my knife
I'll let out my heart's blood here on this cold ftonf,
And I'll let out I'll let and I'll let it alone.
A fmall door opens, Enter from it the Gover-
nor with ada.k lantern leading in Hcnriettc : Sa-
vetier retires ; the Governor forceably puts Hen-
riettte in at another door, Savetirr getting out of
his way falls; the Governor lulens; fcavetier
fneaks round the pl.ice crouching, (looping, creep-
ing, and many ludicrous pofitions to conceal him-
felf, mews like a cat, fqueaks like a rat j the Go-
vernor ftill littcning and looking about j Savetier
to conceal himfdfg ts behind him, and itill as the
Governor .walks about with the li^ht Savetier keeps
behind, at length falling on his hands and knees
the Governor tuddenly iiarting back ftumbles over
him, at firft ahrmed but rifcs, puts tne light to
Savetiers face, who kneels befeeciiing mercy j the
Governor paules, looks at the door where he had
fecreted Henriette and concluding that ihe mull
have been ieen by Savetier, determines to deftroy
him,
LE GRENADIER. 215
him, goes fome paces back and with actions of
kindnefs and encouragement defines Savetier to ap-
proach ; Savetier walking towards him, a trap-
door fuddenly opens under him, and he difappears,
the Governor exprefles joy in felf-fecurity. Going
towards the room where he had placed Henriette,
a noile without, he makes to the door he came in
at, blows out his light, and exit, bajlily*
SCENE II.
Dawn. Before the Hotel des Invalids. Two old
Invalids on guard at the Gates.
Enter Dubois j Martin y French Guards, Am-
broifej Citizens, People. They demand entrance are
obftinately refufcd by the two Centinels who pre-
fent their bayonets : The Soldiers, &c. attempt
to kill them, but are prevented by Dubois.
Enter at the fide Robert haftily, he tells his
comrades (the Centinels) how ill he had been ufed
by the Royal Allemande gives them national
cockades, they pm them in their hats, huzza, and
admit Dubois, Soldiers, People, &c. into the Ho-
tel. A party of Soldiers wait without to cover the
entrance: Re-enter thofe who went in, bringing
out cannon, mufkets, and all kind of warlike
(lores: The ardour of the old drummers, trum-
peters and fifers whimfically chara&eriftic.
Shouts of " A bas 'la Bo/lilte"
AIR. Martin.
Too long we've to oppreflion ftoop'd
Or lets be free or ceafe to live ;
Sweet
i6 LE GRANADIER.
Sweet lily that fo long hath droop'd
In glorious fun-fhine now revive :
Behold the lurking fpider watch
He fprcads his cruel fangs,
The thoughtlefs dy in web to catch
The iniec~l dies in pangs.
Jbnl. Let's drag the fpider from his den
TheBaftille is the web of men,
The wretch that built yon manfion drear,
Within it languifh'd many a year :
When Phalaris the tyrant curft
Of Brazen-bull much boafted,
The artful maker was the firft
Within his fine bull roafted.
Dal. Now fell the tree whofc lofty pride
Hath hid its beauties in the fftade,
Fame to the patriot brow decide
The laurel that can never fade :
The noble theme with joy repeat
Our caufe mall with fuccefs be crown'd
To rattling drums our hearts mall beat
Our voices to the trumpet round :
Cbo. Down with bolts bars and iron door>
The guiltlefs prifoner mail be free
Our cannon with tremendous roar,
Shall join the cry of Liberty.
[Exeunt,
SCENE III.
Before the front Gates tftbe Bajlilk : Tie two Draw-
biid^es and Moats : On the one fide a few Houjes
cftbe Fauxbourg St. Antoine, on the other the Go-
vernor's boufe.
Enter down the Street Citizens beaded by Anftin
armed they demand entrance j rt-fufed, they fee
fire to the Governor's houfe, thisfoon extintruifh'd,
the drawbridge is let down 5 Lieutenant Du-R^y
comes
LE GRENADIER. 217
comes over it bearing a white flag ; Drum within
beats a parley j he invites the people in with cour-
teous action ; Aiiftin and many others crofs the
Fofle j the bridge is inftantly raifed and an ex-
plofion of cannon is heard within fucceeded by
cries and groans j the People without are enraged,
to defperation at the Governors treachery. A
cannon is fir'd among them from the Baftille, they
run in diforder to the other fide j Robert points
out danger in fome brambles that appear on the
Boulevard, clofe by where they ftand ; They quit
their ftation, and a cannon Ihot is fired from the
thicket j The people then retire into the adjacent
houfes with precipitation and are feen at the
windows, and on the tops, from whence they fire
at the Invalids placed on the battlements, ramparts,
and at the EmbraiTures of the Baftille.
Enter down the Street St. Antoine, Dubois,
Martin, Ambroife, Thomas, Jacques, Guards,
Citizens, Women, Children, &c. with the cannon
of the Hotel des Invalids, a white flag is feen
hoi(lcd on a tower of the Baftille, and at the
inftant a cannon is fhot from it down the Street St.
Antoine. Dubois direfts the Soldiers and peo-
ple to play their cannon againft the gates of the
Baftille ; they are batter'd down, they then point
againft the chains of the draw-bridge which falls
and they pafs by it over the firft foIFe. A hand-
kerchief is feen to drop from a fmall window of
the Baftille, and from a grated aperture a filver
plate falls ; Dubois knows the handkerchief to be
Henrietre's, and Martin (hews him the name of
Count Clementin infcribed on the plate ; they
return over the drawbridge with the greateft rapi-
dity ; Cannon continues playing, the Women and
Children ferve them with ball.
[Scene clofes.
VOL. i. r F SCENE
si* LE GRENADIER.
SCENE IV.
Infidt of the Baftille.
Enter the Governor, Pincemaille, E*empts> turn-
keys, &c. much terrified : the Governor in great
detraction giving confufed orders to his officers.
They run about in terror. The noife without
increafes. The Governor goes off with emotions
of defpair. [Exeunt all.
Enter from a chamber Henristte> frightened.
The noife ftill encreafing She feized with difmay
and terror falls on her knees and turns her eyes
to heaven in fervent prayer.
Enter from another chamber in a flow and
foltmn pace, Count Clementin. His iron malk
on. He approaches Henrietta. She turns fud-
denly, and at the fight of him fhrieks and fwoons,
he gently raifes her. She revives, he takes off
his mafk, lhe (hews the ring, they recognizing
each other for father and daughter, are ftruck
with furprife and affection. She kneels to him,
he tenderly embraces her. The noife without now
approaching, he takes her by the hand, and haflily
leads her to an adjoining room.
Enter in wild tumult of fury Dubois, Martin,
Ambroife, foldiers, citizens, people, &c. All
hurry from place to place, killing rhe guards,
forcing keys from the jailors, opening the cham-
bers and dungeons, rcleafing trie pnfoners, and
bringing out and difplaying the fcvcral inftru-
ments of torture.
Enter Madeliine> Pere Anthony y Priefts, women,
children, &c. &c. The old Count de i orge
brought from h^ cell much emaciated, hib bea, d
very long, filled with joy and wonder but can
icarcc
LE GRENADIER. 2^
fcarce bear the light. Many of the people re-
cognize in the prifoners their former friends
and relatives. Dubois runs precipitately from
cell to cell in fearch of Henriette. Opens a
dungeon fhaped like a cone reverfed, from whence
Acorn afcends, but unabk to Hand, falls :
mutual joy : Acorn pointing to the place of his
confinement fhows the fituation his feet were in.
The fight of the unhappy pris'ners and various
implements of torture roufc the indignation of the
multitude high againft the Governor, and many
difperfe feveral ways in fearch of him with fhouts
of vengeance.
Dubois, Ambroife, Martin and their friends
continuing their fearch for Henriette, Dubois
difcovers Arnold in his friars drels, they drag
him forth from his concealment, he falls on his
knees, implores for mercy. Dubois d. awing
demands waere H< nriette's fecreted. She enters
haftily, runs to Dubois, who quitting Arnold,
clafps her in his aims.
Enter Maaame Clementine ', and from the room
adjoining Cunt Clementin with his malk in his
hand. viadaT.e Clementine feized with aftonifh-
ment and j >y at finding her hufband. Each
charad.r lull of rapt.ne a.id congratulation;
Savefier's voice is heard at fome diliance under-
neath. All furp-ized liften The voice ftrems
nearer. I he different c.iarachrs ii en at feveral
paits f the ground from whence they think the
voice proceeds. It feems to come fiom u; der
w; ere Amb oife ftan,1>. He jumps afide. Made-
laine laughs, and the voice is heard n -ar hr, fhe
leaps afide frighmed. D|ubo\s runs t.' t'le pUce.
Liitens. Searches, and pulls up a ftone dilcover-
ing the circular entrance oi a fubterraneous p-ff-
y F 2 age.
220 LE GRENADIER.
age. Savetier cries loud fiom below, they with
difficulty help him out. He very much foil'd
runs about in frantic joy embracing every body,
particularly Madelaine. Shouts of triumph
without.
Enter citizens > foldiers> &c. dragging on the
governor. He pruftrates himfelf in an agony of
grief and remorfe, weeps and befeeches their
co.npaffion. They tear off his badges of honour,
he throws himfelf into the arms of Dubois for
protection, who touched with pity weeps, but
recovering his fortitude firrqly acquaints him
that juftice for his treafon to the people demands
his life, and all huiry him off for the place de
Greve. \Exeuni.
SCENE LAST.
Place de Greve View of the Hotel de Villc.
Pincemaille y The Governor, Arnold, and other
Unpopular Characters led to execution, the for-
mer with a halter of ftraw round his neck, and a
bunch of thirties hanging down bis breaft, the
trophies confift of large locks, keys, bolts, bars,
chains, the iron maik, and other infhuments of
torture, fu r pen l ed on poles.
The Stage char. Grand Proteflion. in which
Dnbois *s having firft mounted the Breach, at
the D ftruftion ot the Bailille, is carried in
Triumph.
AIR Jmbroifc.t and CHORUS.
Sufpended high aboye his reach,
Wrs hung this civic crown,
With glory fired he mounts the breach,
And plucks the trophy down.
Intre-
LE GRENADIER. 22 j
Intrepid youth, the well earned wreath,
Thy grateful country gives, (Drops a. weath of
Laurel on Duboii bead,)
Who in her caufe defpifing death,
In honour ever lives.
No intereft in the land had he,
Our good was all he fought.
And for our rights, for liberty,
Alone the Hero fought.
Cbo. Sufpended high above his reach,
Was hung the civic crown,
With glory fired he mounts the breach,
And plucks the trophy town.
Enter Count Cle-nentin, ^Kadame Clementine*
Henriette, Acorn, &c. Dubois defcends, and
embraces Henriette, the Count join* their
hands.
FINALE.
Savetier.
To fettle all our new difpntes,
Let's to the tavern gang man,
We'll drink and fing, and burn our boots>
But firft we'll hang the hangman.
RECITATIVE Ambroife.
At Satans fell beheft, uprofe thofe hated walls,
Now at an Angels voice the curled fabric falls.
Martin.
Juftice in awful ilate has claim'd her own,
Difplaced the Fury, that ufurp'd her throne,
Defpotic power (hall wear a robe no more,
The iron hand her fword muft now reilore.
LE GRENADIER.
Count Clementw RECITATIVE, Accompanied.
Nor at the great event, (hall we alone rejoice,
Man, born free ! fo mould remain, 'tis natures gene
ral voice.
Dubeis.
Let every heart with rapture glow,
For a joyful moments near;
Tho* from the eye, that fount of woe,
The pallid cheek, drank up the tear :
That eye mall beam a living ray.
That cheek fhall bloom the rofe of May,
CHORUS.
Every heart with rapture glow,
For a joyful moments near.
Ambroife.
(To tbofe Releafedfrom the Bajlile.)
From the Dark Dungeon's hideous gloom,
Of the free foul the loathsome tomb,
From folitude and pain and ftrife,
Inunerge to all the joys of life.
DUET Dubois and Henrietta
(To Count Clementine.)
Come view the beauties of the year,
The fragrance of the flowers inhaje,
And while the lark floats on the gale,
His liquid notes fhall charm thine ear.
Henrlette.
To long loft love and friendfhip Aveet,
Let meeting hearts with, rapture beat,
And
LE GRENADIER.
And focial interchange of mind,
And fmile benign, and convcrfe kind.
Dubois.
Launch into the world, new born,
And hail with fong, this bleffed morn
CHORUS.
Revifit the glad world, new born,
And hail with Cong, this bleed rnora.
THE END,
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
IN TWO ACTS.
PERFORMED AT THE
' THEATRE-ROYAL, HAY-MARKET,
IN 1776.
v f OI. I. G G
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
Jonquil, ................................. Mr. LAMASH.
Tony Lumpkin, ..................... Mr. PARSONS.
Doctor Minum, ................... ... Mr. R. PALMER.
Pulville, .................................. Mr. BLISSET.
Tim Tickle, ..................... , ..... Mr. BANNISTER.
Frank, ................................... Mr. EGAN.
Diggory, ................................. Mr. MASSEY.
Shoemaker, ............................. Mr.. KENNY.
Taylor, ................................... Mr. PIERCE.
Painter, .................................. Mr. DAVIS.
Footman, ................................ Mr. PAINTER.
Mrs. Jonquil, .......................... Mrs. HITCHCOCK
Lavender, ................................. Mifs HALE.
SCENE, London.
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
ACT I.
SCENE I.
A HalL Horn founds.
Enter DIGGORY, meeting FRANK. DIGGORY car-
rying a dijh of cold beef, and a tankard. Afoot-
man following FRANK with a tea-board.
FRANK.
MR. DIGGORY, your matter's up ; I hear his
horn.
Dig. Aye, Matter Frank, I've got his break-
faft here.
Frank. Beef and porter ! his ftomach is deli-
cate this morning.
Dig. Why, yes, he's always a little puny after
a night's hard drinking. Aye, about a pound
and half, or fo, will make him eafy 'till near two,
and then (bell rings.)
c c 2 Frank.
228 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
Frank. Ha ! I think my matter's a little im.
patient too for his breakfaft.
Foot. Shall I take up the things, Mr. Frank ?
Frank. 'Sdeath ! what do you wait here for ?
Fly ! I imagined you had left 'em above this half
hour.
Foot. Why I thought
Frank. You thought ! Ah ! this thinking is
the ruin of us. Now if you wou'd not think,
but do as you aredefired, it would make
Foot. I fuppofe a man may have leave.
Frank. No converfation, I bcfeech you: (bell
rings.) Have you any ears ?
Foot. I have, and hands too, and that you
mail 6nd fome time or other. Takes more airs
upon himfelf than the matter! \_Hatfafide, and
exit -with the tea things .]
Frank. The impertinence and freedom of thefe
fcoundrels is abfolutely intolerable.
Dig. Who (hould he make free with, if he
can't with his fellow fervants ?
Frank. Fellow fervants, Mr. Diggory ! Do you
make no difference between a fervant in livery,
and a gentleman's gentleman? In the country,
I fuppofe, it's " hail fellow well met ;" but here,
fir, we are delicate, nice, in our distinctions ;
for a valet moves in a fphere, and lives in a
flile as fuperior to a footman, as a Pall-mall groom
porter to the marker of a tennis-court.
Dig. For certain, fir, we valet-de-mams are
grand fellows ; but you'll fee more of that when
I get on my new regimen I mean my new liver ;
piha ! my new clothes, I mean. Did you,
breakfaft, fir?
Fnnk. Yes, I've had my chocolate.
Dig. Do take one flicc of beef.
Frank,
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 22$
Frank. What a vulgar breakfaft ! beef ! fhock-
ing!
Dig. I don't know as to that, Sir, but I have heard
beef was Queen Elizabeth's breakfaft; and, if
that's the cale, I think it's good enough for 1.
Frank. But isn't that for your matter ?
Dig. O, I'll leave enough for he, I'll war-
rant, (bell rings')
Frank. That muft be for me, Mr. Diggory.
Serviteur ! [Exit.
Dig. How genteel he looks in his mailer's old
clothes !
Enter TIM TICKLE.
Tic. Ha, Diggory ! the London air agrees
with you, I find ; keep working, lad ; flrong
beer is our ftream bf life, and in good beef lies
the marrow of an Englifh conftitution that's
in the genteel way, (born founds}
Dig. I muft follow the found of the horn.
[Exit ivitb bee^ finging.
Re-enter FRANK.
Frank. Mr. Tickle, feveral perfons are wait-
ing below for Mr. Lumpkin, and they alk to
fee you.
Tic. Perfons!
Frank Yes, fir; there are tailors, {hoemak-
ers, milliners, peifumers, dancing-mafters, mu-
fic-mafters and boxing matters.
Tic. I'll be with them in a pig's whifper !
Frank. What a catiff for a gentleman's tutor !
O ! he's (hocking!
[Exit.
Tic.
tjo TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
Tic. Aye! now how could he do without
me ? If he wants a coat cut in the kick, who
can (hew him ? I A tafty nab? Why Tim.
Handfome pumps ? I know the go. If he'd
have a tune from his mufic-mafter, a thruft from
his pufhing-mafter, a ftep from his dancing-maf-
ter, or a fquare from his boxing-matter, I'm the
boy that can fliew him life in the genteel way.
Enter DIGGORY.
Dig. Matter Tickle, the fquire wants you.
Tic. Iftir.
Dig. HI tell him fo. [Exit.
<Tic. They can do nothing without me. To-
ny Lumpkin's nobody without Tim Tickle. I'll
go no I think I'll ftep firft and give my bear
his breakfaft; poor foul! many a good one he
has got me ; aye, and may again for aught I
know. The fquire's good at a promife, that's
certain ; but what's a promife ? Pye-cruft. I'd
no more depend upon a gemman's promife, than
I would upon a broken ftaff, or a candidate for
the county after he had gained his election.
[Exit.
SCENE II.
A Chamber.
JONQUIL dif covered in a morning undrefs, FRANK
attending with chocolate.
Jon. Frank, has your lady quitted her apart-
ment.
Frank.
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 231
Frank. Yes, fir, I think I heard Mrs. Laven-
der fay Oh, fir, here is my lady. [Exit.
Enter Mrs. JONQUIL and LAVENDER.
Jon. Good morning to you, madam.
Mrs. Jon. Thank you, Sir. Lavender, give
thofe cards to Pompey, and defire him to de-
liver them agreeable to their addrefs. I have an
immenfity of vifits, but muft pay them this mor-
ning in paper ; or, Shock, you dear polite toad,
will you take the chair, and be my reprefenta-
tive to the ladies ^ (to a lap-dog, 'which Lavender
carries under her arm. ) [Exit Lavender.
Oh, my head! fuch a night ! Mr. Jonquil, when
did you break up at the mafquerade ?
Jon. I fancy, my dear, 'twas five.
Mrs. Jon. I might as well have accompanied
you there, for I counted the clock 'till four. A
mafquerade to this houfelaft night,was a Quaker's
meeting. Such a noife aud uprpar !
Jon. Uproar ! What was the matter ?
Mrs. Jon. Only your coufin Tony holding his
nocturnal revels.
Jen. Tony ! So, fo, 'twas here he came,
when he flipped from me at the Pantheon.
Mrs. Jon. Yes, here he came indeed ; and
fuch a ball as he held with the bear and the fer-
vants, and the mob out of the ftreet, I believe !
Enter LAVENDER.
Lav. Madam, I'm forry I'm obliged to com-
plain of a fervant, but don't blame me ma'm ;
but indeed there's no fuch thing as livino in the
houfe,
Mrs.
2 3 2 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
Mrs. Jon. What is all this ?
Lav. Why ma'am, Mr. Diggory, 'Squire Lump*
kin's man, ran into your ladyfhip's dreffing-room,
and fnatched your cold cream off the toilet.
Jon. Ha ! ha ! ha ! what in the name of deli-
cacy could Diggory want with the cold cream ?
Lav. He faid it would do to oil his wig, Sir.
Jon. Ha ! ha ! ha !
Mrs. Jon. Nay, but Mr. Jonquil, this is be-
yond bearing. I'll affure you I'll
Jon. Come, my dear, don't be clifcompofed,
'twill foon be at an end. [Exit. Lavender.
Let me fee what time his mother propofes to be
in town, for I think me fays me'll take a houfe
for him. I have her letter here. I wifh he was
in a houfe of his own, from my foul, for in a
fortnight I fhould not know mine from a carrier's
inn.
Mrs. Jon. What gives me molt fingular amaze-
ment is, that you chufe to be feen in public with
him.
Jon. I grant that he is not the moft eligible
companion for a man of falhion : but at a maf-
querade I was fafe from cenfure, for every body
imagined the uncouthnefs of his appearance, and
rufticity of his manners, merely the effect of his
imitative genius. The company thought his be-
haviour all affumed, put on four roccafion\ for
he threw off his domino, and I'll aflure you,
fimple nature got him infinite reputation. He
gaped at the mafks, roared moft ftentorioufly
ciifcordant with the mufick ; overfet the pyra-
mids, pocketed the fweetmeats, broke the glaffes,
made love to an Arcadian dairy maid, tripped
up the heels of a harlequin, beat a hermit, who
happened
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 233
happened to be a captain of the guards, and gave
a bifliop a black eye.
Mrs. Jon. But his mother's epiftle ; I languifh
to hear it.
Jon. I alk your pardon, here it is, (takes out *
letter and reads.)
" Dear Coufin,
<c In the bearer of this, I introduce to your
" care and friendfhip my dear fon Tony. I'll
" aflure you, coufin, Tony with your help will
" make a bright man, as he's already humour-
" fome and comical. I mall be in town myfelf
** in about a fortnight, or three weeks, and then
" I intend taking a houfe for him, in fome airy,
" fafhionable part, fomewhere near Duke's
" Place, as I'd have him near the King's Palace.
" No more at prefent from your loving coufin,
" DOROTHEA HARDCASTLE.
" P. S. Mr. Hardcaftle's and my love to
* f coufin Emilia. I requeft you'll take Tony to
Sadler's Wells, as I'm fure he'll like operas."
(A horn founds without.
Mrs. Jon. Blefs me, what's that ?
Jon. Oh, that's Tony's fummons for his man ;
he fays he hates the ringing of bells, therefore has
invented that polite fubftitute.
(Tony calls without.
Tony. Hollo, Diggory, hollo.
Jon. Oh, here he comes.
Tony, (without.') Hollo ! flap up the bear.
Mrs. Jon. Heaven defend us, fure he won't
drive in a bear here.
Jon. No, no, my dear, don't be alarmed.
Tony, (without.) Come along, Bruin.
vp. i. H H Enter
34 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN 1 ,
Enter TONY LUMPKIN.
Come in ; I long to introduce Bruin to my re-
lations. Coufin Milly, will you fee the bear,
ma'am, if you pleafe ?
Mrs. 'Jon. Bear, oh, heavens I [Exit haftily.
Tony. Coufin Milly's very timberfome, fure ;
Bruin is a mighty civil beaft; why he's as gen-
tle as the good-natured lion in the Tower, that
let's the dog lie in his den with him.
Jon. I don't entertain a doubt of his polite-
nefs or good-nature ; but you'll eternally oblige
me by fending him down.
Tony. Now would it oblige you in downright
earned.
Jon. Beyond meafure.
'Tony. Tim, walk Bruin down again : bid
him firft mate his honours at the door tho'.
Come here only, coufin, look, only look at
him. Servant, Sir ; why he learned among the
grown gentlemen at Hatton-garden. Ah do
now let him in, and he, and I, and you, will
dance the nay. He's muzzled ! Tim, an't he
muzzled ?
Tim. (without.) Yes, Sir.
lony. Oh ! then there's no danger ; you fee he
cou'cin't bite you, if he had a mind ; he cam
only fcratch you a little.
Jon. Gads curfe, but I'm not difpofed to be
fcratch'd this morning.
Tony. Oh. ! very well ; any other time. Only
fay tbf wor 1, and Bruin's the boy for it. Slap
him down lad.
Jon. I wifh the devil had you and him to-
gether.
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. ^35
gether. Such a fellow ! Mr. Lumkin, have
you a fancy for this hufe ?
Tony. Anan ?
Jon. I fay, do you like this houfe ?
Tony. Like it ? for certain I do.
Jon. Then to you and the bear, I muft abfo-
lutely refign it.
Tony. \ thank you, for your kind offer ; but if
you were to give me your houfe, and your pye-
balds. and your vifee vie, I would not thank
you ; becaufe them that give all, give nothing
at all. But indeed if you'd let me bring in
a little queen with me fome time or other,
unknown to coufin Milly, you'd make me as
happy as a king.
Jon. Oh, fie !
Tony. Oh, fie ! Baw ! fliake hands ! Why
don't you get drunk fometimes ? It's mighty
pleafant ! Ay, and very wholefome once a
week. Dr. What-d'ye-call-um fays fo, in the
book that lies in my mama's window : what fay
you to a bout, coufin, ha ?
Jon. Excufe me ; drinking is, in my opinion,
the moft favage and barbarous method, that
ever brutality invented, to murder time and in-
tellects.
Tony, by jingo, then mama is the firft time-
killer within ten miles of Quagmire Marm : Oh 1
&e loves a fup dearly.
Jon. For fliame ! Mr. Lumpkin.
Tony. Oh ! take me, it's all in the genteel
way, tho'; for my mama always fipp'd her cor-
dial out of a tea-pot ; and then, before folks, it
was only a drop of cold tea, you know.
Jon. Ha, ha, ha !
Tony. Ay, and Coufin Con, Mifs Nevill, that
was
236 TONY LUMPKIN Itf TOWN.
was courting me, ufed to drink like a gfafs*
blower, all in the fentimental way. Over 3
love-ftory book, fhe and my mama would read
and fip till it came out of their eyes. Sure Coufm
Con was in love with me ; Oh ! how fweetly
flie'd kifs me after a chapter of Mildmay, and a
twift of the tea-pot.
Jon. Yes, yes, what 7.Ve always found j
curfe me ! if there's a woman in the world eafier
had, than the die-away romantic novellift.
Tony. How fine I tell lies ! he fwallows them
likefyllabub. (afide.)
Jon. But you gave me the flip laft night, at
the Pantheon ; why did not you wait for fup-
per?
Tony. Why, I love my fupper as well as any-
body, efpecially after a day's hunting ; becaule
then we have fomething to talk of. But the
fnug way for my money ; and we had our own
gig here at homej I never faw the bear fo
airy.
Jon. But what think you of the fplendor of
the Pantheon ? Is'n't it the temple of elegance?
an Olympus Hall, worthy the Gods to revel
in ?
Tony. Gods do you call 'em ? I took fome of
'em for rafcads. A fool of a fellow would have
it, that I was a lady ; now I am fure I have not
a bit of the lady about me, except the foftnefs of
my voice, but the monkey was a macaroni ;
and thofe beaux, I fancy, make as much ufe of
a woman, as they do of a fword ; they keep
both merely for ihew. Oh, now 1 talk of that
by jingo, 1 faw a pouer of fine Itaws yciterday,
o'top of Ludgate-hill,
Jon. Shews?
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN". 237
Tony. Ay, I believe I've feen all the fine dews
now , aye, Gog and Magog, St. Paul's and the
Tower, and the hight poft near the Bridge,
that's going to fall upon the neighbours heads ;
and I've feen a hanging, and a houfe on fire ;
and I paid a halfpenny to walk over the Thames
at Blackfriars ; and I eat calves-head turtle, op-
polite the Bank ; and faw Lord Thingumme's
fine coach, and the Lilliputian Patagonians,
and the Stock-brokers on 'Change , the mad
folks in Bedlam, and the aclor-folks at the
Play-houfes ; one of the play men at What-d'ye-
call-it play-houfe was very like you,
Jon. But, Mr. Lumpkin, I imagine 'tis time
for you to begin to drefs; fome of the Scavoir
Vivre and Dilettante dine with me to-day, and
you'll be a precious exhibition, (a fide.)
Tony. Ay, ay, I'll be as fine as the fherifFs
horfe, by-and-by.
Enter DIGGORY,
(In a new livery ; ftruts aukwardly acrofs the Stage.
Tony leads him by the arm back to the door.)
Get out !
Dig. Why, fure, 'Squire, you'll be proud
enough yourfelf of your new cloaths when you
get into them.
Tony. Yes, but there's fome difference between
the miller and his dog. Pray know yourdiftance,
and Idefire, Diggory, you'll never dare to be fo
iuperftitious with me, before company
Dig. Well, I won't.
Tony. You won't ? I think you might call
me,
SS8 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
me, my honour, and not wafte much of your
manners.
Dig. If that's the cafe, there's all kinds of
tradesfolks, and ingenous learners, of all iizeF,
waiting below for My Honour.
Tony. Your honour, it's my honour they
want.
Dig. I'll tell them fo, Sir ; my your honour,
mean. [x//.
Tony. Well, now, coufin, I'll go ; and
Jon. Sir, Mr. Lumpkin, I have a trifling re-
queft to make.
Tony. What is it ? I'll give you any thing you
afk.
Jon. That you will drefs with all poffible cele-
rity j for I languifh to fee you one of us.
Tony. Hollo, for lace and powder. Hollo,
Diggory ; hey, for grandeur yoics hark for-
ward, taylors, milliners, and glorious haber-
dafhers ! hollo, hollo ! (Exit.
Jon. Makes more noife than a kennel of
houjids, [Exit.
SCENE III.
An Antichamhr.
Several TRADESPEOPLE, andTiM. TICKLE,
difcovercd.
Tic. He will, I fent his man to tell him.
Toy. Greatly obliged to you, Sir.
Tic. You are fo, if you kew all ; but, for my
good word, 'Squire Jonquil wou'd have taken
Mon-
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN, 5 *
Monfieur Frippery, the new fafhion French tay-
ior.
Enter DIGGORY.
Dig* He's coming; pray fit down, gentle-
men, it's as cheap fitting as ftanding.
Tic. Diggory, keep your own ftation. I do
all in the gentleman-ufher way, d'ye feej be-
caufe why, I know the genteel thing ; but take
me neighbours, I don't want you to Hand, d'ye
mind me^ only, Diggory, your encroaching
upon my compartment, is juft as tho'f, as how,
as if my bear was to fnath my hurdy-gurdy out
of my hand, and pok'd me till I moved a horn-
pipe.
Dig. For certain, that would not be manners >
but I was only
Tic. Say no more ! you're an ignorant man,
and you don't know the genteel thing.
Enter TONY.
Tony. Hey, for grandeur, lace and powder!
Which of you is my taylor ?
Toy I'm the man, Sir.
Tony. Have you my clothes, Mr. Taylor ?
Tay. Here they are, Sir, and a more fafhion-
able iuit never hung upon the fhoulders of an
Ambafiador.
Tony. Tim, do they fit me ?
Tic. Quite the kick.
Tay But won't your honour try them on ?
Tony. No, it's too much trouble. I make
Tim try on all my new clothes for me.
Shoe. Your fhoes, Sir.
Tony.
*4d TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. '
Tony: Black fattin, beautiful ! ah, Tim, if f
bad my lilver Artois buckles here!
(Dr. Minumfings without,
Tony. Hey ! what merry fellow's this ? Get
along, boys, leave your goods, and fend your
bills to Tim. [Exeunt tradefmen.
Here, Diggory, lay my clothes ready.
{Exit Diggory with the clothes.
Enter FRANK.
frank. Doctor Minum, Sir. {Exit Frank.
Enter DOCTORMINUM, Jinging.
Dofl. (Jings) Tol de rol, loll. Gentlemen, I
afk ten thoufand pardons: I thought Mr, Jon-*
quil had been here i but if I don't miftake, Mr.
Lumpkin, I prefume. (to Tic.}
Tic. Y6u're wrong tight boy, that there's the
'Squire ; I'm Tim Tickle his tutor.
Do ft. Sir, I'm very glad to fee you well.
Tony. That's a lie, if you're a right doctor, and
know I've got fifteen hundred a year. {afide.
Doft. If your auricular organs be happily hu-
maniz'd to the celeftial fcience of harmony, from
your affinity to a gentleman of Mr. Jonquil's
tafte, you may command my affiftance.
Tony. Oh, I'm not long enough in London to
ftand in need of a doctor.
Tic. No, d'ye fee, lad, we w^nt no doctors
nor poticaries yet. I don't know how long we
may remain fo.
Doft. Your pardon, gentlemem but, I fan-
cy
Ion)',
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 241
Tic. Did you know Jack Slang, the horfc
doftor ?
Doff. Entirely unacquainted with 'any of the
faculty; but under favour, there's a trifling
miftake in this overture to our acquaintance.
Give me leave to inform you, gentlemen, I am
not one of theprefcribing performers, who con-
vey this human inftrument, the body, to its
mortal cafe, by pill, bolus, or draught ; but I
fhift the foul above the ftars, in founds feraphic,
by minura, crochet, and quaver. And pleafe
to obferve, that tho' I am a do6lor, I've no more
(kill in the materia medico, than an advertifing
quack ; I am a profeflbr of mufic, and com-
pofer of original pieces, in that elegant and
mellifluous fcience ; and, to oblige my friends,
a felecl: fett of the firft rank and dictinciion, I in-
(Iruct on the violin.
Tony. Then ten to one, but you know how to
play the fiddle.
Dott. Pd venture to accompany you in that
bett.
Tony. Zounds man, could not you fay at once
that you were a fidler, and not come round about
us vrith fuch a circumbendibus ?
Doft. Fiddler, in the name of Orpheus 1 Eh I
what ! fiddler ? allow me, Sir, a da capo to my
own introduction ?
Tic. A what?
Deft. Three bar refts, if you pleafe. Sir ; I am
furpriz'd you can be .b much out of tune, gen-
tleaien. I am one of the comigicenti i*ve had
the honour to be balloted a rremb-r of three le-
lect private concerts, compof d of pcrfons of tne
firil rank:, aye the Alto Pnmo of tafte had the
refufil of the band of Carhfle Houfe led
VOL. i. ii for
3 4 z TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
for five feafons at Vauxhall had fome
thoughts of purehafing the gardens myfelf I
have compofed two orator.os, ten ferenatas,
three fees of overtures, concertos for Signor Flo-
reritini's violoncello, fongs for the Capricci of
Palermo, and folos for Madam Sermout's violin,
grand ballets for Signor Georgettini, Signora
Caperini, Signora Baccini, Signora
?ic. Damn your Signioras and your Sipniors,
your Inis and Winis j can you play, *Water
Parted, or Lango-lee ? that's the genteel
thing.
Tony. Oh, mayhap they're too hard for him.
Give me your hand ; I love a fiddler, becaufe
one may make him play till he's tir'd, give him
a (hilling, then kick him down flairs Do, dine
with me to-morrow.
Doft. I'll promife you any thing, to get from
you to day. (afide.) I mall positively do myfelf that
honour, fir,
Tony. That's a good fellow ; but bring your
fiddle under your coat, will you ? you (hall have
as much liquor as you can carry.
Doft. You're fuperlacivcly good, fir.
Tony. The devil a better You mall hiar Tim
Tickle touch up his hurdy-gurdy.
Doff. Oh, fir !
Tony. You fhall fee the bear dance too.
Doff. That muft be fine indeed !
Tic. Why, it's the genteel thing } 'Squire wili
have the dulcimer man.
DoR. Ah, Caro Divino ! we fhall have a de-
lightful concert---! fhall certainly attend you, gen-
tlemen j but a moft particular engagement obli-
ges me to deprive myfelf of the felicity of your
company at prefent.
Tony.
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 343
Tony. Hold, hold, doftor ; you muft give us a
rafp before you go j Tim, fetch me the fiddle out
of the next room j coufm Jonquil was playing on
it juft now.
Tic. I ftir. [Exit.
Doft. Oh, heavens, (ajide.)
Tony. You will give us a fcrape ; ha, boy ?
Doft. Oh, fir ! (bowi) how (hall I get out of
this fcrape ? (aftde,)
Tony, (capering before a glajs) Ay, do you find
fiddling; I'll find dancing.
Doft. (ftealing towards thedo9r'] Andante, An-
dantino, Piano, Pianiflimo, Allegro, Prefto !
(Runs off.
Re-enter TICKLE with a Violin.
Tie. Here's the coal box, Dolor i what ! he
has borrowed himfelf !
Tony. Gone ! -yoics- --hollo, fiddler, hollo 1
(Running cut is met by FRANK) Where's this fid-
dler ?
Frank. Fiddler, fir ! oh, Doctor Minum, I
fuppole, you mean; lord, fir, he flics as if twenty
Dutch concerts were in he wind.
Tony. The next time I catch the rafcal, I'll
make him play for me, and kick him all the
whi e
Frank. But, fir, my mailer's compliments,
and wilhes vou'd pleafe to get drc-fle.i ; it's now
clofe upon three. (Looks at bis watch and exit.}
Tic. The fellow has got a tattler, ftnke him
plump, (afide )
Tony. ZoundU ! I v ifh I cou'd pet a watch,
that the figures of ir were pot in letters; I never
can know whas a clock it is, by the X's and the V's
and
344- TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
and the 1's I wifh I could get a watch with the
figures in figures upon it.
T/V- 'Squire, that's becaufe you know how to
cypher.
'Tony. I fuppofe fo Hollo, Diggory, my new
clothes j and then for grandeur, lace and powder---
Hollo, hollo. [Exeunt a
END OF THE FIRST ACT,
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 245
ACT II.
SCENE I.
A Dreffing Room*
Mrs. JONQUIL At her Toilet, and LAVENDER,
attending.
MRS. JONQUIL.
Jria ! ha ! ha ! Indeed, Lavender, I think fo too
but where is the favage now ?
Lav. Ma'am, I fancy by this time he's alrnoft
transformed into a very fine gentleman. He's gone
to drefs.
Mrs. Jon. Drefs ! Ah ! his native ruflicity is
invincible to the powerful combination of art and
elegance. His tutor a bear dancer, you tell me ;
ha ! ha ! with fuch a pupil a bear-leader we muft
grant him.
Lav. Ma'am, he has brought thfs Mr: Tickle
purpoi" ly to London with him, to (hew him taftc
and high life in the genteel way as he fays.
Mn.
246 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
Mrs. Jon. Yes, tafte and gentility at a Sunday
tea-garden, and high life at the top of St. Pauls, '
Enter TICKLE and PAINTER.
Tic. Come, matter Painter, come along; this
way, 1 believe, we can take a fhort cut to the
'Squire's room.
Mrs. Jon Who are thefe ? what's the matter ?
Tic. Only going to quarter the ground.
Lav, Fye, Mr. Tickle ! what bufinefs have
you here ? and why would you bring fellows into
my lady's apartment ?
Tic. Fellows ! why, ma'am, this is Jack Rad-
dle, the fign-paintrr. Why it was this here Jack
that painted the Three J ;lly Pigeons at Quagmire
marfh, down in our parrs.
Paint. Yes, and the Saracen's Head 1 im.
Lav. Come, come, gee you along out of this,
with your jolly pigeons.
Tic Get out ! Strike me plump ! h that your
manners, ma'am ?
Lav. Go, man ? pray take your Saracen's head
out of this room.
Tic. Hark'ee, if you deny that you paint a head
every morning, your tongue gives the lie to your
cheeks.
Paint. Tim, that was a dafli with the pound
brufh !
Tic. Ay, ay; I'm the boy for it. Come along;
Ha ! ha ! ha !
Paint. Ha ! ha ! ha ! [Exeunt Tickle and Painter.
Lav. An impudent frllow ! I paint indeed . A
prttty difcernirg tutor fcr a young gentleman !
Mrs. Jon. Lavender, hand me the eau-de- luce.
I die ! oh heav'ns, threw up that fafh ! I (hall ex-
pire !
Lav. And no wonder, ma'am : I'm fure the
Cham-
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 247*
chamber fmells of oil worfe than a floor-cloth ware-
houfe.
Enter DIGGORY, fearcbei round tie room.
Mrs. Jon. Heavens ! what's this now ? what do
you want, ?
Lav. Why is the deuce in the fellow ? For fhame
Diggory ! why do you come into my Lady's apart-
ment this way ?
Dig. This way ! why would you have me come
in at the window ?
Mrs. Jon. For mercy's fake, do, good man,
withdraw.
Lav. What do you want?
Dig . I want my mailer's boots-
Lav. What the mifchief could bring his boots
into my lady's drefling-room ?
Dig. His legs, I believe ; for I think 'twas here
he took them off.
Mrs. J. Do, pray retire, I befecch you, fir.
Dig. I beg pardon, ma'am, I fee the boots are
not here ; fo I'll go look in the ftable.
(A tapping at the door. )
Mrs. Jon. What monfter have we now ?
Jon. (without.'} Avec permifiion !
Lav. My matter ! madam.
Mrs. Jon. Entrez, monfieur.
Enter JONQUIL.
Jen. This way, for wonder fake, quick, quick.
Ha ! ha ! ha ! fuch a fight, tranlcending all So-
ho!
Ms. Jon. I think it muft be fometh^ng fuper-
natural that can excite my wonder now. Bu:
alions for this miracle .
[Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. JONQUIL.
Lav. (looks in tbt glafs} A Saracen's head ?
Yes, it mud be my lady he meant, [Exit.
SCENE
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWJfo
SCENE II.
A Gallery hung with Piftures.
Enter Mr. and Mrs. JONQUIL.
Jon. Now, fettle your features.
Mrs. Jon. O, I fet rifibility at defiance.
Mr. Jon. Mr. Lumpkin, are you apparelTd,
quite completely a-la-mode ?
Enter TONT, drefsed.
Tony. O yes, I think I'm the very colliflower of
the mode. Tell me in downright earned, how do
you like me, (turns round} Eh ! Coufin Milly ?
I believe, now I'm fomething like a tansy $ how
do you like my hair, tho'?
Mrs. Jon. Charming!
Jon. The ftyle molt happily fancied.
Tony. So it is, coufm Milly ; you've a fine head
of hair, if it's all your own -it's very like fome
of the heads I faw in the barbers windows.
Mrs. Jon. Now, that's fo civil.
Tony. That's what every body fays of me, that
I'm fo civil j but do you know that my mama
ufcd to drefs up my hair herfelf every Sunday,
whether I would or no ? fhe'd rub in up with foap,
and put a paper in the top, juft like the fign of
the unicorn.
Enter LAVENDER whifpers Mrs. JONQUIL.
Mrs. Jon. Prefently ; Mr. Lumpkin, allow one
the liberty to withdraw myfcif for a moment or
two.
Tony*
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 249
Tony. Ma'am, I'll excufe your going away
with a great deal of pleafure. How polite fine
clothes make a body ! (afide)
[Exeunt Mrs. 'Jonquil and Lavender.
Enter TICKLE.
Tic. 'Squire, the Painter's ready, (to Tony)
Tony. Mum. (apart to Tickle)
Jon. Pardon my curiofity, Mr. excufe
me. Sir you fpoke of a painter ; are you ac-
quainted I mean have you a penchant ?
Tic. A what ?
Jon. That is, do you admire the art ?
Tony. Oh, yes, Sir ; my tutor's very knowing
in the picture way. Tim, (hall I tell coufin you
carried a {hew- box ' (apart to Tickle)
Tic. You need not mind it now. (apart to To-
#)
Jon. There are fome tolerable paintings here,
Sir. (hooking round)
Tic. Yes ; they are quite genteel.
Tony. I warrant, now, they flood you in a
matter of fifteen or twenty pounds.
Jon. Above ten thoufand.
Tony. Pounds ?
Jon. Pofitively.
Tony. What a ftud and a kennel of hounds
that would buy a man !
Tic. What a collection of wild beafiiffe? !
Jon. Befides the money I have expended in
my Flemifli and Italian acquiiitions, during my
tour, I have, at .this moment, a pecuniary un-
derftanding with mod of the eminent picture-
dealers and auctioneers in town ; and, confe-
VOL, i. K K quenly,
*50 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
quently, the refufal of antiques, coins, china^
lap-dogs and original pictures.
Tic. How do you order it ?
Jon. Briefly thus: if an extraordinary engage*
ment prevents me from a private peep, previous
to the fale, fuppofe me in the auclion-room : a
full fale, good pictures, my favourite piece up t
friend Mallet, in the heat of his oration, cafts
me an eye fignificant ; I, unperreived by the
company, return an affirmative fignal ; and one,
two down, the picture's mine for one third of
the value.
Tic. What then becomes of his poundage ?
Jon. That, Sir, I make good by an ample dou-
ceur.
Tony. Well, let them fay what they will of
flock paper, pretty pictures for my money ; cou-
iin, you muit choofe me fome nice ones, when
my mama takes a new houfe for me.
Tic. Ay, I dare fay, 'Squire Jonquil knows all
the painters in town, in the genteel way.
Jon. In town? no no Mr. Sir if a mo-
dern ever intrudes upon a pannel of mine, tafte
muft give the preference to Flemifh and Italian j
if the contrary fhould tranfpirc, Sir, I'd be ex-
cluded the ton, as void of all virtu.
Tony. Virtue! It does not fliew much virtue
to encourage foreigners, and let your own coun-
trymen want bread j damn me, if I do that ; and
damn them that do.
Tic, Wtll faid, tight boy; there's a fine fel-
low, and I'm his tutor.
Jon. I own, Sir, I'm of your opinion ; but
powerful fathion !
Tony,
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 251
;. Tim, there's a clever fellow, running
after a pretty girl among the buflies!
Jon. Apollo, purfuing Daphne, by Corregio ;
obferve the modeft grace in the flight of Daph-
ne ; and that figure of Apollo, what fine pro-
portion in the outline! what an attitude !
Tic. Now, that there I call a tall woman.
Jon. A Vandyke !
Tony. Mrs. Vandyke ?
Jon. No, no ; it is the portrait of Beatrix
Conftantia Contacroyana, painted by that rnaf-
ter. The Judgment of Paris, the fleeping Ve-
nus, and that delightful picture of the Cardinal
Virtues, Faith, Hope and Charity, are by Car-
raci ; a moft enchanting piece ! obferve how
finely the Hope is relieved.
Tony. Relieved by Charity; poor foul!
Tic. That's a pretty woman that's looking up
at the fky.
Jon. A Cleopatra, by Guido.
Tony. See the little eel in her hand ! that's a
dark looking man in the black bonnet.
Jon. A Rembrandt, by himfelf.
Tony. Yes ; he's all alone, there's a woman ri-
ding on a white cow.
Jon. Kuropa, an undoubted Raphael.
Tony. No!
Jon. As true as the cartoons.
Tic. Riding on a bull ! ftrike her plump ;
'Squire the woman and the goofe !
Jon. Jupiter and Leda ; upon my honour I
never faw a more capital picture ! but, dear Sir,
the geofe happens to be a fwan.
Tony. Mayhap 'twas only a goofe before you
got it. Tim, who is that like in the black wig.
K K 2 Jen.
*5* TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
Jon. That is the portrait of Charles the Se-
cond.
'Tony. He's mighty like Matt Muggins the ex-
cifeman.
Jon. It's a Sir Godfrey Kneller ; but I fancy
king Charles never fat for it.
Tic. And fo they've drawn him ftanding.
Who is the lad with the long hair?
Jon. Lad, Sir ? that's a Magdalen, by Guido.
Tony. She's a plump Mag. Who is that thin
ill-looking fellow ?
Jon. It's a pi&ure of Caffius, that ftabb'd Ce-
far It's a Rubens, very bold.
Tic. Yes, he was a bold fellow.
Jon. Good keeping !
Tic. Faft enough ; I remember they kept him
in Newgate.
Jon. Charmingly brought out !
Tic. He was brought out in a white cap, tied
with black ribbon.
Jon. What a glow of colouring !
TzY. I never faw a 'man look better upon the
occafion.
Jon. Greatly defigned ! forcibly executed !
Tic. Only the peace-officers at his execution^
no calling in the military j we have had enough
of that already.
Jon. What harmony of light and fliade !
What noble mafTes !
Tic. Mafles ! He a Papifli ! I'll bett half an
dunce, that Tom Caffius, that ftabb'd 'Squire
Cxfar, died a Prefbyterian.
Tony. How knowing my tutor is !
(During the above Speeches of Tickle , Jonquil ft ands
enr aptur'd with the pifture, not attending him-)
Coufin,
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN, 2^3
Coufin, Couiin Jonquil, hollo !
(Slaps him on the Jhoulder.)
Jon. Sir!
Tony. I intend to have my picture taken off
fome evening or other.
Enter FRANK.
Frank. Sir, Lord Spindle has fent to let you
know, he waits for you at the Thatched- houfe.
Jon. The chariot at the door ?
Frank. Yes, Sir. [Exit.
Jon, Adieu, \Hstlt.
Tic. Abfolutely, 'Squire, this coufm of your's
is a tip-top macaroni.
Tony. Yes, he's a famous mac.
f Tiny. But tho' he feems to love his pictures,
as I do my horfes, he does not take half (o great
care of 'em. Think of old bonnets and black
and brown heads ! Coil him ten thoufand pounds
too. Why my little Rftbin, my Whipper-in,
looks more decent than the beft of them.
Tic. Aye ! but when my friend Jack Raddle
the painter comes brufh upon 'em, they'll be
quite another thing.
Tony. But what keeps him?
Tie. Here he is.
Enter PAINTER, with a pot of paint and large brujh.
Are you there, Jack? Come, fall to.
Tony. Hold, you it member the bargain :
Tickle, be witnefs. You're to paint frie large
powder'd pretty wigs upon every fc ^d in this
254 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
room, at the rate of half-a-cro\vn a nob all
round.
Tic. That's the bargain.
Paint. And I fcorn to go back, tho' it's a tight
price, your honour.
Tony. How charmingly they'll look \
Tic. Yes, they'll be quite genteel. Hark'ee,
Jack, d'ye fee, I recommend you to this here
'fquire; fo do the job neatly. None of your lit-
tle ftarv'd caxons, with one buckle, and that
no larger than a pipe-ftopper; but let me fee the
browned face againft this wall, wigg'd like an
alderman.
Paint. Say no more.
Tony. But quick, quick, buftle ; you muft
have 'em done before coufin comes back.
Enter DIGGORY.
Dig. Sir, the gentleman's come.
Tony. What gentleman ?
Tic. How fliould he know ? I'll go fee myfelf.
[Exit*
Tony. Come, come, fall to.
Paint. Don't fear, fir ; they mall foon be quite
another thing.
Tony. Come along, we'll be with you foon
again. Come ; Lord ! how delighted coufin
Jonquil will be ! [Exeunt Tonyand Diggory.
(The Painter, tobiftKng, takes one of the fiftures
and as befits to it t the fcene clofes.
SCENE
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN, 255
SCENE III.
The Antichamber,
PULVILLE, meeting TONY, TICKLE, and
DIGGOKY.
Dig. Here's my mafter.
Pulij, Sir. your humble fervant.
Dig. Sir, this the
Tic. Diggory, I tell you once for all, if you
come the gentleman umer, while I am by, you'll
absolutely knock your head again my hftes.
Dig. Why lure i
Tony. Go, go, you fool, and fee that the paint-
er flaps away brifkly. [Exit Diggory.
Well, Sir, are you a barber ?
Puh. A barber ! no, Sir ; my name is Pul-
yille.
Tcny. But what are you ?
Pu/v. I am a perfumer, Sir.
Tony. Now. tang me, i'f I know what trade
that is. {ajide} Tickle, do you talk to iiim.
Tic. A perfumer ? I'm at home, the ' he's too
fine for that: I fuppofe he moulted in MJD~
mouth. (ajide\ ftruts up to Puhille) Mafter, how
tfo ye take 'em.
Puh, Sir ?
Tic. Do you (hoot J em.
Tony. Aye, do you moot 'em ? What, Tickle?
(apart to Tickle}
Puh. I (hoot, Sir !
Tic. Aye, how do you order it ?
Puh. If you mean my bufinefs, Sir ; by cal-
cination,
56 TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
cination, infufion, mixtures, compositions, phiU
ters, and diftiliation.
Tic. What, then maphap you don't ufe the
ferret ?
Pulv. No, Sir, the only eflential animal is the
civet cat.
Tic. The cat will catch them, I allow j but
then they mangle them fo curfedly.
Pulv. Mangle who, good Sir ?
Tic. Ever while you live, take rabbits with a
ferret, that's the genteel thing. Mayhap, lad,
you're in the hedge-hog way. Have a care, tho v ,
for fince f'ome bufy fellow put it into the news-
paper, that they were as good as a partridge
my bear to a lap-dog, if hedge-hogs don't
foon be included in the game-acl. You're the
firft rabbit catcher I ever knew that
Pulv. I a rabbit catcher ! I don't underftand
you, gentlemen. I'd have you to know, 1 keep
one of the firft perfumer's {hops in St. James's
patifli ; I can't imagine what you mean, by talk-
ing to me about rabbit-catchers and hedge-hogs.
"I'ony. I belive my tutor knows every thing.
Puh. Sir, I thought every body knew Mr.
Pulville. However, Sir, I have the honour to
be very well known to the nobility, as my book-
debts of ten years {landing can fufficiently tef-
tify. Rabbit catcher ! Sir! I'm original inven-
tor of the genuine Circaffian beautifying cofrne-
tic lotion, cream of rofes, and powder of pearl.
Step into my {hop a crocus, and you walk out
a narciflus -, my fweet lip-falve can change a
blubber to a pouting a walnut to a cherry-lip.
Then, Sir, my perfumed powders conquer na-
ture ; I can give a lady a pink head, a green
head, or a blue head. Do you know, Sir, that
I make
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 257
1 make the chymical Paphian wafli, for eradicat-
ing hair; fo innocent it may be ufed by infants
juft born, and yet fo powerful, that three ablu-
tions give an Efau the hand of a Jacob ? And
now, Sir, with me, and me alone, the elderly
maiden ladies deal, for their fweet-fcented (hav-
ing powder.
Tony. I faid he was a barber.
Put. Rabbit-catcher ! Why, Sir, my bear's
greafe
Tic. Do you dance a bear, tight boy ?
Pul. Sir, do I look like fuch a fcoundrel ?
Tic. Scoundrel ! Strike you plump, am I a
fcoundrel ?
Pul. You, Sir ! I
Tic. Aye, poke you well I dance the fpright-
lieft bear in all England, that's in the genteel
way.
Put. Hem ! Sir ! when you want any thing
in my way, you'll fee my name, P. Pulville,
over the door. Rabbit catcher ! [Exit Pulville*
Tic. A bear dancer, a fcoundrel! you rafcal,
I'll he's gone he was right ; my name is Tim
Tickle 5 and now you've told me your place o
abode, call upon me when you will. ( calling of)
Tony. Tim knows all the points of honour.
Enter DIG GORY.
Dig. Oh, Sir, the pictures are done ; and
'Squire Jonquil is walking out of his carriage.
Tic. I told you, 'Squire, Jack Raddle cou'd
touch them up in the genteel way, becaufe he's
the boy for it j come, well take a fquint at his
handy work.
VOL, i. L L Tony.
*5* TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWtf.
Tony. Come, I'm as glad as a guinea ; how*
my coufin Jonquil will be delighted !
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
t)tf covers the Pifture Gallery, mojl of tie port raits
'with large white wigs -, the Painter fits daubing
a wig ttpon a piclure, which he has on a chair,
DIG GORY officioujly attending.
Dig. Do, let me give him another curl.
Paint. I can't ftand it, man ; be ftill, I fay ;
let him be.
Enter JONOJJIL.
Jon. What do I fee ! confufion ! what is all
this ? (Stands amazed]
Dig. I knew he'd be delighted.
Jon. Stop your facrilegious hands, you pro-
phane villain.
Paint. Blefs your heart, m after, I don't grudge
you a curl or two more, (whi/lles and faints)
Jon. My Rembrandt! from the Florentine
gallery I You affaflin, why did you murder me ?
(Seizes the painter)
Paint. Sir !
Jon. Anfwer me, you mifcreant ; who brought
you here ? what mortal enemy to the arts, what
Gothic* fiend, whifper'd you to perpetrate fuch
infemal action ?
Paint. If this moment was my laft, Sir, it was
wliit^ le^d of" eightpence a pound.
Jon. White lead, you caitiff !
Paint.
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN. 259
Paint. How cou'd a poor fellow, like nae,
afford flake- white 'for the price ?
Jon.' What price? you barbarian; explain,
firrah : confefs, or I'll have you flay'd li&j Mar-
fyas.
Paint. Sir, 'Squire Lumpkin, the little, round,
fine gentleman, employ'd me to paint white
wigs, upon all the pictures, at half-a-crown a
head.
Dig. Indeed Sir, I'm fure my matter would
not grudge twice the money, to make them look
decent, as they belong to your honour.
Jon. I'm ifndone !
Enter TONY and TICKLE.
Tony: Eh, Tim ! (looks exultingly at the piclures)
I believe they are the thing.
Tic. Bang me, but they are quite genteel !
Jon. Mr. Lumpkin, I thank you, Sir.
Tony. You're mightily welcome.
Jon. I am infinitely oblig'd to you, Sir.
'Tony. I guefs'd you wou'd.
Jon. I am eternally your debtor.
Tony. I'll never charge you a penny for it. I
believe now they look like gentlemen. How
pleas'd I am that I thought of it !
Dig. I thought of it firft,
Tony. You lie.
Tic. You do, Diggory ! 'twas I advis'd the
'Squire to it, becaufe I knew the genteel thing.
Jon. Oh, pray, no contention for the brilliancy
of the thought ; for I'd give three or five thou-
iand pounds to undo what you have done.
Tony. What!
Jon. You have ruia'd me.
Ton}'. A nan !
L L on.
2$o TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
Jon. You've undone me, Sir !
Tony. Who, I ! as how ?
Jon. You've fpoil'd my pictures.
Tony. Tim !
Tic. I faid, at firft, it was a damn'd ftupid
thing of you.
Dig. And yon know, 'Squire, I told you, that
none but an afs could think of fuch nonfenfe.
Tony. Can you unwig 'em again ?
Paint. What will I get by that ?
Jon. I'll give you fifty guineas.
Paint. Lay it here.
Jon. There's the money ; (takes out bis pocket-
book and gives a note] charm my longing eyes, once
more, with the fighc of my Rembrandt's dear,
dear, black bonnet.
Paint Then, Sir, they're only done in water
colour ; fo a wet towel and a little foap fettles
their wigs in five minutes.
Jon. Give me your hand ; I was dreadfully
alarmed; but now I can laugh at it. Ha! ha !
ha ! what a whimfical thought ! but, you itupid
rogue, why would you put wigs upon the
ladies ?
Paint. Sure it's the fafliion now for all ladies
to wear wigs. Hew charming they look ! Poor
feiloHS, ye muft foon lofe your grandeur!
Enter FRANK.
Frank. Sir, the company are come.
Jon. Very well,
[Frank looks at tbe piftures, laughs and exit.
Dig. Pleafe your honour, may I laugh at them
a little ?
Tony. Tutor, kick Diggory out of the room,
if you pleate.
Tic t
TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN, 2 6|
Tic. To oblige you, 'Squire.
Dig. I'll fave you the trouble. [Exit.
Jon. All is now very well ; but I have one re-
queft to make you.
Tony. What is ir, pray ?
Jon. Only to difmifs one of your retinue,
Tic. That's Diggory. (afide)
Tony. Who?
Jon. The bear ?
Tony. What ! the bear ?
Jon. That's the gentleman.
Tony. Why, Tim, d'ye hear my coufin ? Will
you ?
Tic. Look'ee, 'Squire ; this here harmlefs foul,
this bear cf mine, has maintained me iome years,
when I could not cio for myfielf ; and though,
thanks to my good breeding, I'm grown polite
enough to be a gentleman's tutor, yet I'll never
be fo much in the famion as to forfake an old
benefactor. {Exit Tic.
Tony. I wifh I could get any regular family to
board the bear : enquire among your acquain-
tance Sir.
Jon. Sir, I'll do myfelf that honour.
Tony. Bruin's a lad of few words, but he's as
civil a fellow as ever flood upon two legs. But,
coufin Jonquil, 1 won't offer you the fifty-
guineas you gave the painter.
lony. Say no more ; you meant well, and that
palliates the confcquence. But, for Rubens' fake
forego your pretenfions in future to a tafte in
pictures.
lony. Well, I know the points of a horfe,
and that's made by a better workman.
Jen. Therefore, to tne knowledge of horfes
rjcl dogs, like a true 'Squire, from this moment
confine
2 6z TONY LUMPKIN IN TOWN.
confine your claim ; for if a man will, in oppo-
fition to nature, meddle with matters of which
he is fo extremely ignorant, he muft inevitably
render himfelf the object of ridicule and laughter.
Tony. Laughter! and what's pleafanter than a
laugh ? By jingo, a laugh is all I wanted,
If I've rais'd fome fweet fmiles on thofe lovely
fair faces,
I am glad I put wigs on their fifters, the
Graces :
I would not offend you for more than I'll
mention ;
Jo pleafe all my friends, was my only in-
tention.
THE END.
THE
POOR SOLDIER,
IN TWO ACTS.
PERFORMED AT THE
THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN,
IN 1782.
THB MUSICK Bv MR. SHIELD.
Captain Fitzroy, Mr. BANNISTER.
Father Luke, Mr. WILSON.
Patrick, Mrs. KENNEDY.
Dermott, Mr. JOHNSTON.
Darby, Mr. EDWIN.
Bagatelle, Mr. WEWITZER.
Boy, Mailer SIMMONDS,
Norah, Mrs. BANNISTER:
Kathlane, Mrs. MARTYR.
SCENE, Carton, near the Seat of the Duke ofLeinfter in
Ireland.
THE
POOR SOLDIER
A C T I.
SCENE I.
The Country Sun rife a large Mavfion atfome dtf-
tance near the front, on one fide t a fmall
Houfe ; on the other a Cottage.
DARBY, (without.}
NoW what harm, Dermot ?
Der. (without.) Why 'tis harm j fo flay where
you are.
Enter DERMOT and DARBY,
Dar. Upon my faith I won't fay a word.
Der. Go away I tell you.
Dar. Lord, I never faw fuch a man as you:
fure I'll only ftand by.
Der. But I tell you it's not proper for any
one to be by when one's along with one's fweet-
beart.
VOL, i. MM Dar*
2 66 THE POOR SOLDIER.
~Dar. Well, I always like to be by when I'm
along with my fweetheart She's afleep I'll call
her up, halloo ! Kathlane !
Der. Will you be quiet, Darby. Can't you
go make a noife there, under Father Luke's
window ?
Dar. Ecod if I do, he'll put me in the Bifhop's
Court.
Der. If I wasn't fo fond of Kathlane, I fhou'd
think Norah, his Neice there, a very handfome
girl.
Dar. Why fo fhe is, but fince her own fweet-
heart, Patrick, run away from her and lifted for
a Soldier, fhe dont care a pin for the prettieft
cf us ; by the lord fhe even flouts me.
Der. Well, well, you'll fee how it will be j
fomebody I know
Dar. Ay, you mean the foreign ferving man,
to the ftrange Officer that's above at the Duke's.
Eh, why faith Dermot, it would indeed be a
fhame, to let a black muzzled Mounfeer carry
off a pretty girl, from a parcel of tight Irifh boys
like us.
Der. So, 'twou'd Darby ; but my fweet
Kathlane is faft afleep, and never dreams that
her poor Dermot is here under her window.
Dar. Ay, never dreams poor Darby's under
her window but Til have her up Kathlane
Kath
Der. Hum!
AIR Denmt.
, Sleep on, fleep on, my Kathlane dear,
May peace poffefs thy breaft,
Yet doft thou dream thy true love's here,
Depriv'd of peace and reft.
THE POOR SOLDIER. 267
The birds fing fweet, the morning breaks,
Thefe joys are none to me,
Tho' fleep is fled, poor Dermot wakes,
To none but love and thee.
[Exit
Dar. What a dull dog that is ! Ah, poor
Dermot ! ha, ha, why fuch a fong cou'dn't
wake an Owl out of his fleep, let alone a pretty
girl that's dreaming of me. Kathlane ! upon
my conference I'll, yes, I'll roufe her.
AIR D'arfyl
Dear Kathlane you no doubt,
Find fleep how very fweet 'tis,
Dogs bark, and cocks have crow'd out
You never dream how late 'tis,
This morning gay,
I poft away,
To have with you a bit of play,
On two legs rid,
Along to bid,
Good morrow to your night cap.
II.
Laft night a little bowfy,
With Whiikey, Ale, and Cyder,
I aflc'd young Betty Blowfy,
To let me fit befide her,
Her anger rofe,
And four as floes,
The little gypfey cock'd her nofe,
Yet here I've rid, t
Along to bid,
Good morrow to your night cap.
III.
Beneath the Honey-fuckle,
The Daify, and the Vi'let,
Compofe fo fweet a truckle,
They'll tempt you fure to fpoil it,
M M 2 Sweet
2 6S THE POOR SOLDIER ;
Young Sail and Bell,
I've pleafcd fo well,
But hold, I musn't kifs and tell,
So here I've rid,
Along to bid,
Good morrow to your night cap.
(Kathlane opens the Cottage window*
Dar. Ay there Ihe is, oh I'm the boy for it.
Kath. Is that Dermot ?
Dar. {hiding tinder the penthoufe) O dear, fixe
takes me for Dermot, he, he, he !
Kath. Who's there ?
Dar. Sure it's only I.
Kath. What Dermot ?
Dar. Yes I am Darby, (afjde)
Kath. I'm coming down. (Retires.}
Dar. I thought I'd bring her down: I'm a
fure markfman.
Enter KATH LANE from the Cottage.
Kath. Where are you, my dear Dermot ?
Dar. (Comes forward.) " Good morrow to
your nightcap." (fings.)
Kath. (Starting.) Darby! Now hang you for
an impudent fellow.
Dar. Then hang me about your neck, my
fweet Kathlane.
Kath. It's a fine thing that people can't take
their reft of a morning, but you mufl come
roaring under their windows.
Dar. Now what need you be fo crofs with a
tody when you know I love you.
Kath. Love ! ha, I like you for that.
Dar. I'm oblig'd to you.
Kath. You love, ha, ha > ha!
Dar.
THE POOR SOLDIER. 269
Dar. I do, upon my confcience.
Katb. Well, let me alone, Darby : once for all
I will not have you.
Dar. No !
Katb. No, as I hope for man, I won't.
Dar. Ha, ha, ha ! hope for man, and yet won't
have me.
Katb. Yes, but I'll tell you what fort of a man -,
then look into the river, and fee if you're he.
Dar. And if not I'll pop in head foremoft.
Katb. Do Darby 5 and then you may whittle
for me.
Since love is the plan
I'll love if I can,
But firfl let me tell you what fort of a man.
In addrefs how complete
And in drefs fpruce and neat,
No matter how tall, fo he's over five feet :
Nor dull, nor too witty
His eyes I'll think pretty
If fparkling with pleafure whenever we meet.
II.
t
Tho* gentle he be,
His man he mould fee
Yet never be conquer'd by any but me.
In a fong bear a bob
In a glafs a hob nob
Yet drink of his reafon his noddle ne'er rob,
This is my fancy
If fuch a man can fee,
I r m his, if he's mine, until then I am free.
Dar. So then you won't have me.
Katb. No, that I won't.
Dar. Now you might if you pleas'd.
Katb.
& 7 o THE POOk SOLDIER.
Katb. I might if you pleas'd.
Dar. Well fure I do pleafe.
Katb. Ay, but you don't pleafe me.
Dar. Why I'm a better match for you than
Dermot.
Kath. No.
Dar. No ? Havn't I every thing comfortable
about me? cows, fheep, geefe and turkies for
you to look after in the week days, and a pretty
pad for you to ride to chapel on a Sunday : a little
cabin for you to live in, and a neat bit of a potatoe
garden for yen to walk in 3 and for a hu/band
I'm as pretty a lad as you'd meet with of a long
fummer's day.
Katb. Get along : don't talk to me of your
geefe and your turkies, man, with your conceit
and your nonfenfe.
Dar. My nonfenfe ! Oh very well : you fay that
to me, do you ?
Katb. To be fure I do.
Dar. Then marry hang me if I don't.
Katb. What what'ill you do?
Dar. Do, why I'll tell the Prieft of you.
Katb. Ah do do your worft, you ninney
hammer !
Dar. I'm a ninney hammer, oh very well
I tell you what Kathlane I'll fay no more.
DUET.
Kath. Out of my fight or I'll box your ears.
Dar. I'll fit you foon for your jibes and jeers.
Katb. I'll let my cap at a fmart young man,
Dar. Another I'll wed this day if I can.
Kath. In courtmip funny.
Dar. Once fweet as honey,
Kath. You drone.
Dar. No Kate, I'm your humble Bee.
THE POOR SOLDIER. 27 1
Rath. Go dance your dogs with your fiddle de dee
For a fprightly lad is the tune for me.
II.
Katk. Like fweet milk turn'd now to me feems love.
Dar. The fragrant Rofe does a Nettle prove.
Katb. Sour Cu"rds I tafte, tho' fweet Cream I chofe.
Dar. And with a flower I fling my nofe.
Katb. In courtfhip funny, &c.
\TLxeunt federally*
Enter FITZROY.
Fitz. Ay, here's Father Luke's houfe : I doiibt
if his charming niece is up yet. (Looks at bis
watch) I fhall be back before the family arc
iUrring, and even if not, drawn hither by the
devout hopes of paying my adoration to this
Sylvan Deity, the beauty and frclhnefs of the
morning exhilirates and delights.
AIR. Fitzroy.
The Twins of Latona, fo kind to my boon,
Arife to partake of the chafe,
And Sol lends a ray to chafte Dian's fair Moon,
And a fmile to the fmiles of her face.
For the fport I delight in, the bright Queen of Love
With myrtles my brow fhall adorn,
While Pan breaks his Chaunter, and fkulks in the Grove,
Exceil'd by the found of the horn.
The dogs are uncoupled, and fweet is their cry,
Yet fweeter the notes of fweet Echo's reply.
Hark forward, my Monies ! The game is in view
$Ut love ii the game that I wifti to purfue.
The
97* THE POOR SOLDIER;
The Stag from his Chamber of Woodbine peeps outj
His fentence he hears in the gale,
Yet flies, till entangled in fear and in doubt,
His courage and conftancy fail.
Surrounded by foes, he prepares for the 'fray,
Defpair taking place of his fear,
With Antlers erefted awhile ftands at bay,
Then furrenders his life with a tear.
The dogs, &c.
Oh here comes the Pried her uncle, and now for
his final anfwer, which muft determine my
happinefs. (Enter Father Luke] Good morning to
you, Sir.
F. Luke. And a good morrow, and a hundred
and a thoufand good morrows to you worthy Sir.
Fitz. As many thanks to you my reverend Sir.
F. Luke. True, Sir, I am reverend, becaufe
I'm the Prieft of the Parifh. Blefs you, Sir, but
you're an early rifer.
Fitz. Why you inuft imagine that the pillow has
no great charms for one whofe heart can take
little reft 'till lull'd to peace by your friendly
benediction. Oh ! Father Luke your charming
Niece.
F. Luke. My Niece you told me of that,
but you never told me your fortune, fo it's gone
quite out of my memory.
Fitz. Why Father, if you mud peep into my
rent-roll, I fancy you'll find it fomething above
2000!. a year
F. Luke. Two thoufand ! You mail have my
niece : but there's two things which perhaps you
have not confider'd on.
Fitz. What are thofe ?
F. Luke. Her religion and her country.
fit*
THE POOR SOLDIER. 273
Fitz. My dear Sir, be allured I am incapable
of an illiberal prejudice againft any one, for not
having firft breath'd the fame air with me, or for
worfhiping the fame Deity in another manner.
We are common children of one parent, and the
honed man who thinks with moral rectitude, and
acls according to his thoughts, is my countryman
let him be born where he will.
F.Luke. Juftmy thoughts, Sir, I don't mind
a man's country fo he has You've 2000!. a
year ? (Fitz. biws) Your hand, you lhall marry
my niece.
Fitz. My dear good man you're the bed- of
Priefts j but there's one thing that I'd wifh to
be certain of Are you fure your niece's heart is
totally difengag'd ?
F. Luke. Why Sir fhedid give her heart away
but I made her take it back again, fhe had a fort
of a Lover that I thick Ihe was a little fond of.
Fitz. How?
F. Luke. Don't be alarm'd, Sir, for lord knows
\vhat's become of poor Patrick fince he was fent
off for America : upon my rcfufing Norah to
him, he took on fo, that one day, full of ale and
vexatien, the fool went and lifted for a foldier.
fitz. Ah, I cou'd wifh that
F. Luke. You can wifh for no more than you
lhall have : (he's your's : I fay the word ; and I'm
her uncle, her Guardian, and her Clergy. Here,
Norah, child, (calls at tbe window) I fancy (he's
not awake yet. (Going in.)
Fitz. Hold Sir, I wouldn't have her difturb'd
for the world.
F. Luke. W'ell faith, vou'ie good natur'd
enough ocniidtring JOU'TC been fighting in
Ame'i ica.
VOL. i. N N Fitz.
274 TH POOR SOLDIER.
Fitz. My dear Father Luke, you know I'm
down here at the Duke's upon a viiit, and you
have ienfe enough to know like wile, that not-
\vithftanding your niece's beauty and merit, and
the reverence due to your character, fiich is the
ridiculous pride, and afium'd privilege of birth
and fortune, that I fhould be raoft egregioufly
rallied, and perhaps obftacles thrown in the way
of my happinefs, Ihou'd this affair be talked of
there.
F. Luke. Not a word, my lips are feal'd.
Fitz. That's right, my dear friend, the cere-
mony once over, with pride I fhall publifli my
felicity to the world. 1 have already fent up to
Dublin, for fome trifling ornaments for my fweet
Norah ; I expect them eveiy hour, this night
you mall join our hands, and then I'll introduce
my lovely bride as fuch, to my friends at Carton
Houfe,
Enter DARBY.
Dar. Father Luke, I want to fpeak a word
with you if you pleafe, Sir. (Fitzroy walks up
the Stage.)
F. Luke. What do you mean you free fellow ?
Don't you fee I'm in company, and in company
with a gentleman too ? Eh, you wicked boy ?
Dar. I'm not wicked
F. Luke. Eh, how child, what, an't I your
Pri^ft, and don*t I know what wkkednefs is.
Dar. Well Sir, to be fure I have been a young
rake, as a body may fay, but now I'm going to
take a wife to myfelf.
F Luke, (to Darby] Getaway. 1 beg your
worflrp's pard' n. to Fitzrny }
Fitz. Oh no apology, Sir. The Shepherd muft
look to his flock.
F. Luke.
THE POOR SOLDIER, a 7 j;
F.Luke. Ah ! I'm fliepherd to abldffed flock of
goats : Now would you think it, Sir ? that Darby,
that fellow that looks fo fheepifli, is the moft
notorious reprobate in the whole parifli.
Dar. (to Fifzroy) Sir, I'll tell you why Father
Luke's always at me. He, he, he ! when one
plays or fo, among the girls, you know one
muft give them a kifs or two, to keep them in
good humour j and then the long winter nights
before a fine fire, I'm fo frolickfome among 'em,
that when we play at forfeits, it may come to
twenty or thirty kifles a piece : thefe they muft
all confefs to him, and ecod, of a cold morning
they keep Father Luke, 'till his fingers are
numb'd, and his nofe is blue, he, he, he!
you know, Sir, you know that's the reafon you
don't like poor Darby.
F. Luke. Get along you profligate.
Dar. Well, Sir, I'll go.
F. Luke. Come back here: Where are you
going now ? 1 warrant you're pofting away to
the alehoufe; but I'll folloxv you ; I'll meet you,
there, and if I catch you guzzling, if you dare
call for a quart of ale before me. t
Dar, You'll drink half of it.
F.Luke. Go along, go. (pujhes him off) Oh!
dear me ! I'm only a poor pjrifh pridi here ; and
Iprofeis I have more to do than a bifhop.
Fitz. \ wiih father you were a bilhop.
F. Luke. [ wiih to Heaven I was
Fitz. Well, well who knows all in good
time We ftnll L -e his Gi ace's intereft Such
a thing may be done.
F. Lukf. Ohj that nothing may hinder it !
AIR
276 THE POOR SOLDIER.
AIR. Father Luke.
An humble curate here am I,
The boys and girls dire&or ;
Yet fomething whifpers by and by,
J may be made a Re&or :
Then I'll preach
And teach,
My fheep and rams.
So well I'll mind my duty ;
And Oh, my pretty ewes and lambs \
Your paftor (hall be true t'ye.
For tho' a fimple fifherman,
A dean'ry if I fim up,
So good I'll do the bell I can,
And pray to be a Bifhop.
To my preaching,
Teaching,
Then farewell.
No more with duty hamper'd,
But plump and fleek,
My Rev'rend cheek ;
Oh, how my lordfhip's pamper'd.
But, Sir, you're Cure of my niece Norah ; and
now I mufl. attend fome duties of my function
among my parifhioners. [Exit.
Fitz. Love for a young man ! this is not fo
well : The firft impreffion of love*upon the heart
of an innocent young woman, is not eafily, if
ever eras'd ; yet, the coldnefs of her carriage to
me, rather checks my hopes than abates the ar-
dor of my affections. (F* Luke's door opens} 'Tis
fhe ; I fear to fpeak to her, left I fhou'd be ob-
ferv'd by forne of the villagers, (retires}
Enter
THE POOR SOLDIER. 277
Enter NOR AH, /row the Houfe.
AIR. Norab.
The meadows look chearful, the birds fweetly fing,
So gaily they carrbl the praifes of fpring ;
Tho' nature rejoices, poor Norah fhall mourn,
Until her dear Patrick again ihall return.
II.
Ye lafles of Dublin, ah, hide your gay charms !
Nor lure her dear Patrick from Norah's fond arms j
Tho' fattins and ribbons and laces are fine,
They hide not a heart with fuch feelings as mine.
What a beautiful morning ! The primrofes and
violets feem to have fprung up fince the fun went
down: Ifthegrafsis nottoo wet, perhaps Kathlane
will take a walk with me but, (he's gone to walk
with her fweetheart Dermot: Well, if Patrick
had'nt forfook me, I fhou'dn't now want a com-
panion. Oh dear ! here's the gentleman that my
uncle is always teazing me about.
Fitz. A fine morning, Madam ; but your prc-
ience gives an additional luftre to the beauties
of this charming fcene.
Nor. Sir. (curt/ies)
Fitz. Beautiful Norah, has your uncle appriz'd
you of the felicity I hope to derive from your
compliance with his will, and my ardent wifhes ?
Nor. { don't know, Sir ; he talk'd to me a
great deal, but
Fitz. (taking her hand] Nav, do not avert thofc
lovely eyes look kindly on me.
AIR.
27 8 THE POOR SOLDIER.
AIR. Fitzriy.
For you dearefl maiden the pride of the village,
The town and it's pleafures J freely refign.
Dengnt ipiings from labor, and icience from tillage,
Where love, peace and innocence fweetly combine.
Soft tender affection, what blifs in pofleffing,
How bleft when 'tis love that infures us the
bleflmg.
Carefs'd, Oh what rapture in mutual careffing,
j What joy can I wilh for, was Norah but mine.
The feafts of gay fafhion with fplendour invite us,
Where luxury, pride and her follies attend ;
The banquet of reafon alone fhould delight us,
How fweet the enjoyment when mar'd with a friend.
Be thou that dear friend then, my comfort, my
pleafure,
A look is my funfhine, a fmile is my treafure,
Thy lips if confenting, give joy beyond meafure,
A rapture fo perfedt, what joy can tranfcend 1
Nor. Do, Sir, permit me to withdraw ; our
village is very cenforious ; and a gentleman be-
ing feen with me, will neither add to your ho-
nor or my reputation. \Exit into houfe.
Enter BAGATELLE, (bajlily)
Bag. Ah, Monfieur !
Fitz. Well, what's the matter ?
Bag. Ah, Monfieur ! I'm come I'm come -
to tell you that I'm out of breath.
Fitz. What's the matter ?
Bag. It is all blown -
Fitz. I fuppofe my love affair here is difcover'd.
(half afide]
' Bag. Oui Monfieur, I have difcover. -
Fi/a.
THE POOR SOLDIER. 279
Fitz. How, you?
Bag, All blown.
Fitz. The devil !
Bag. We muft go to town;
Fitz. Difcover'd all blown and we muft go
to town
Bag. Oui Monfieur. I have difcover dat all
your Marefchal poudreis blown out of devindre,
and I muft go to town for more.
Fitz. And is this the difcovery that has made
you run about the roads after me ?
Bag. Non Monfieur ; but I am come on de
affaire of grande importance.
Fitz. Quick, what is it ?
Bag. To know Monfieur, if you will drefs to-
day en queue or de twitted club.
Fit. Is this your affair of grand importance ?
Bag. Oui, I muft make de preparation ; oh, I
did like to forget to tell you, dat his Grace, and
all de fine Ladies wait for your honor's compa-
ny in de breakfaft parlour.
Fitz. Damn your impertinence, firrah ; why
didn't you tell me this at firft ? I fhall have fifty
fcouts after me j follow and be in the way, as I
fhall want to drefs.
Bag. Ah ! ah, ah, begar dis is de Prieft's
houfe, and I did meet him in de village. Fort
bien, ah, 'tis bon opportunite to make de love
to his neice ; 1 vil finifh de affaire with coup
d'eclat Somebody come Now for Mademoi-
feile Norah, [Exit into Father Luke's boufe,
Enter
3 8o THE POOR SOLDIER.
Enter PATRICK.
Pat. Well, here I am, after all the dangers of
war return'd to my native village, two years
older than I went ; not much wifer, up to the
heart in love, and not a fixpence in my pocket.
(Darby fmgs without} Isn't that Darby? 'tis in-
deed, and as foolifti as ever.
Enter DARBY, finging, flops Jhort, looks with fur-
fnze at PATRICK.
Dar. Is it Pat ? (runs to him'} My dear boy
you're welcome, you're welcome my dear boy.
Pat. Thank you Darby : how are all friends
fmce I left them.
Dar. Finely j except a cow of mine that died
laft Michaelmas.
Pat. But how is my dear Norah ?
Dar. As pretty as ever. I muftn't tell him of
the Mounfeer that's about her houfe. (afide)
'Twas a fliame for you to turn foldier, and run
away from her.
Pat. Cou'd I help it, when her ill-natur'd un-
cle refus'd me his confent, and Ihe wou'dn't
marry me without it.
Dar. Why Father Luke's very crofs indeed to
us young lovers* Eh, Pat, but let's look at
you. gad you make a tight little foldier
enough ; you'll have Norah : oh, if I thought I
cou'd get Kathlane by turning foldier, I'd lift to-
morrow.
Pat. Well, P1I introduce you to the Serjeant.
Dar, Ay, do, if you pkaie. I thick I'd look
very
THE POOR SOLDIER: 2 gt
pretty in a red coat, ha, ha, ha ! (feems delighted
-with Patrick's d^ejs) Let's fee how the hat and
feather becomes me ? {takes off Patrick's hat, and
dif covers a large fear en his forehead] What's that ?
Pat. Only a wound I got in battle.
Dar. Hem, take your hat ; I don't think re-
gimentals wou'd become me at all.
Pat. How ! ha, ha, ha ! what terrified at a
fear, eh, Darby ?
Dar. Me terrified ! not I, I don't mind twen-
ty fears, only it looks fo conceited for a man to
have a black patch upon his face; but how did
you get that beauty fpot ?
Pat. In my attempt to fave the life of an offi-
cer, I fell, and the bayonet of an American gre-.
nadier left me for deadj bleeding on the field.
Dar. Left for dead !
Pat. There was glory for you.
Dar. Hem ! and fo they found you bleeding
in your glory ?
Pat. Come now, I'll introduce you to the
Serjeant.
Dar. (looks out} Hem ! yes, I'm coming, Sir.
(feems as if anfwering fomebody without)
Pat. Oh, yonder is the Serjeant, (locking out)
Where are you going ?
Dar. To meet him. (going the contrary way) I'll
be with you prefently, Sir. (looks at Patrick) Hem
glory row de dow. [Exit*
Pat. Ha, ha, ha ! the fight of a wound is
enough for poor Darby but now to fee my
fweet Norah, and then for. a pitcher of friend-
{hip with my old companions.
VOL. i. oo AIR.
282, THE POOR SOLDIER.
AIR. Patrick.
The wealthy fool with gold in flore,
Will ftill defire to grow richer ;
Give me but health, I afk no more,
My little girl, my friend, and pitcher.
My friend fo rare,
My girl fo fair,
With fuch what mortal can be richer ;
Poffefs'd of thefe, a fig for eare,
My little girl, my friend and pitcher.
II.
From morning fun, I'd never grieve,
To toil, a Hedger, or a Ditcher;
If that when I come home at eve,
I might enjoy my friend and pitcher.
My friend, &c.
III.
Tho* fortune ever ftiuns my door,
(I know not what can thus bewitch her;)
With all ray heart ; can I be poor,
With my fweet girl, my friend and pitcher.
My friend, Sec.
[Exit into
SCENE II.
Infide of FATHER LUKE'S Houfe.
BAGATELLE difccyer^d) fpeaking at a chamber door*
Bag. I wou'd only fpeak von vord vit you.
Ouvrez la porte, ma chere j do open de door,
Mademoifelle Norah.
Nor.
THE POOR SOLDIER. 383
Nor. (within] I requeft, Sir, you'll go away.
Bag. Firft give me de von little kifs.
Nor. (within) Upon my word this is exceed-
ing rude behaviour, and if my uncle finds you
there, fee what he'll fay to you.
Bag. (aftde) Oh de Father Luke; begar he
may be enrage vel, I am going j Mademoifelle
Norah, I am going.
Pat. (without) Where is my charming No
rah?
Bag. Ah, mal pefte ! begar, I am all take. I
vill hide, (goes into a clofet)
Enter PATRICK.
Pat. Eh! all the doors open, and nobody at
home, (knocks at the chamber door) Who's here ?
Nor. (within) You're a very rude man, and I
defire you'll leave the houfe.
Pat. Leave the houfe ! a kind reception after
two year's abfence.
Nor. Sure I know that voice.
Enter NORAH.
My Patrick !
Pat. My dear, dear Norah!
Nor. If 1 was dear to you, ah Patrick, how
cou'd you leave me ?
Pat. And were you forry for my going ?
Nor. Judge of my forrow at your abfence, by
thefe tears of joy for your icturn.
Pat. My fweet girl ! this precious moment
makes amends for ail the dangers and fatigues
I've fufttr'd fince our parting,
Bag, Ah, pauvre Bagatelle 1 (afide)
OO2 Pet*
284 THE POOR SOLDIER.
Pqt. I heard a noife !
Nor. Oh heav'ns, if it fhou'd be my uncle,
what (hall I do ? he's more averfe to our union
than ever. Hold, I'll run to the door.
Pat. And if you hear Father Luke coming up
flairs, I'll ftep in here, (opens door> and dtfcovers
Bagatelle] Is this your forrow for my abfence,
and tears for my return ?
Bag. Begar Monfieur, I am forry for your
return.
Nor. How unlucky !
Bag. Monfieur, votre ferviteur.
Pat. Shut up here with a rafcally Hair-dref-
fer !
Bag. Hair-drefler ! Monfieur, you ihall give
me de fatisfaction ; I vill challenge you, and I
vill meet you vid
Pat. With your Curling Irons.
Bag. Curling Irons ! Ah, facre Dieu !
Pat. Hold your tongue, except you like to
walk out of a window.
Bzg. Monfieur, to oblige you, I vill valk out
of de vindre, but I vou'd rather valk down flairs:
I'm not particular in dat point.
Pat. March Sirrah ! or I'll cudgel you while
I can hold a fplinter of Shelelah.
Bag. Cudgel ! Monfieur, vill you take a pinch
pffnuff? non ! oh den I put up my box, and
bid you bon jour, ferviteur Mademoiielle Norah.
[Exif.
Pat. Ah, Norah ! cou'd I have believed this
of you ?
JSlor. Cou'd I have believ'd Patrick wou'd
have harbour'd a thought to my difadvantage ?
And can you think me falfe ?
P*.
THE POOR SOLDIER. 285
Pat. If I do Norah, my heart is the only fuf-
ferer.
DUET.
Pat, A Rofe tree full in bearing,
Had fweet flowers fair to fee j
One Rofe beyond comparing,
For beauty attracted me.
Tho' eager once to win it,
Lovely, blooming, freih, and gay;
I find a Canker in it,
And now throw it far away.
jftV. How fine this morning early,
All fun-miny, clear and bright;
So late I lov'd you dearly,
Tho' loft now each fond delight.
The clouds feem big with mowers,
Sunny beams no more are feen ;
Farewell ye happy hours,
Your falfehood has chang'd the fcene.
[ Exeunt fiver ally .
END OF THE FIRST ACT,
THE POOR SOLDIER.
ACT II.
SCENE I.
The Country.
Enter PATRICK.
PATRICK.
A.Y, I'm but a common rank and file ; it is
not of this Frenchman I fhou'd be jealous : my
Norah I find has given her heart to an officer
no matter.
AIR. Patrick.
Why breathe fo rude, thou northern wind
Be gentle unto me;
I lov'd a maiden molt unkind,
No fairer mall you fee :
Her vows were foft as weilern gale,
Whilft flocks are penn'd in fold ;
I thought me liften'd to my tale,
She left me, ah ! for Gold.
Full featly fexton with thy fpade,
Oh make my bed a boon ;
Yet tho' to reit is Patrick laid,
Thy bells ring out this tune.
Beneath
THE POOR SOLDIER. 587
Beneath this bank of tufted grafs,
Ye faithful Avains be told,
Is laid the youth that lov'd the lafs,
Who lefc him, ah ! for Gold.
[Exit.
Enter DARBY.
Dar. Ho Pat ! Paddy ! Ay there he goes
finging about the roads like a difcarded fowl ; fo
am I, but why fliou'd Kathleen like Dermot
better nor I ? Well, well, I'm fure I'm as
ftiew me a compleater fellow I can wreftle
I'm a good hurler 1 can cudgel I can play up-
on the pipes, and I can dance (dances) and I
can fhew me a compleater fellow, that's all
(Katblane fmgs without} Oh, here fhe comes.
Enttr KATHLANE.
Katb. What are you there, foolifh Darby ?
Dar. Now am I puzzled whether to take a
friendly glafs of punch with Patrick yonder, or
flay here and kifs you.
Kath. So betwixt my lips and a glafs of punch,
you're the afs between two bundles of-
Dar. Now I'm an afs you're a bundle of
fweet fince nobody's by I'll make hay while
the fun mines kifs me Kathlane and then I'll
be in clover.
Katb. No, I'll not take fuch a rake as you
when I go a hay-making, I aflure you.
Dar. See there now!
Kath. Ay, and fee there again now, you know
Darby I'am an heirefs, and fo take your anfwer ;
you're no match for me.
Dar.
*83 THE POOR SOLDIER.'
Dar. An heirefs ! Why tho' your father, old
Jorum that kept the Harp and Crown, left you
well enough in the world, as a body may fay,
yet
Kath. Well enough, you difparaging fellow !
Did'nt my poor father leave me a fortune of
eleven pounds a barrel of ale upon draught
the dappled mare, betides the furniture of the
whole houfe, which 'prais'd to the matter of thirty
eight millings ! Well enough indeed !
T>ar. (frothing.} Nay, but Kathlane
Kath. (Paffionate.) Well enough ! And did'nt
he leave me the bald filley, you puppy ?
Dar. Oh, now flic's got upon the bald filley-
the devil ca'n't take her down
Katb. A pretty thing to fay to a girl of my
fortune.
AIR. Kathlane.
Dermot's welcome as the May,
Chearful, handfome, and good natur'dj
Foolifh Darby, get away,
Aukward, clumfy, and ill-featur'd :
Dermot prattles pretty chat ;
Darby gapes like any oven :
Dermot's neat from fhoe to hat ;
Darby's but a dirty flovea.
Lout looby,
Silly booby,
Come no more to me courting :
Was my deareit Dermot here,
All is joy and gay fportiiig,
II.
Dermot's teeth are white as egg,
Breath as fwect as fugar-candy :
Then he's fuch a handfome leg ;
Darby's knocky-kneed and banUy ;
Dermot
THE POOR SOLDIER. 3*9
Dermot walks a comely pace ;
!Darby like an Afs goes flumping :
Dermot dances with fuch grace :
Darby's dance is only jumping.
Lout looby,
Silly booby, &c.
[Exit.
Dar. So I muft fall in love, I wifh I'd firft
fell in the river ; Oh dear I (figbs)
Bag. (without) Oh, Monfieur Darby!
Dar. Lord this is Mr. Bag and tail the Mbn-
lieur. .
Enter BAGATELLE.
Bag. Ah, ha ! Monfieur Darby, begar I
did look all about and I could no find you.
Dar., That*s becaufe I'm fo wrap'd in love.
Bag. Monfieur Pat mall fight a me.
Dar. Oh, you're going to fight Pat;
Bag. Oui, and dis is the deadly challenge, de
lettee de mort.
Dar. Oh, what you'll leather him more.
Bag. Dis foldier Patrick did affront me be-
fore Mademoifelle Norah, and I vil have de fa-
tisfaftion Begar 1 vill kill foldier Pat, and you
fall be my friend.
Dar. Can't you as well kill Dermot, and then
you'll be my friend but why kill Pat ?
Bag. Ce Monfieur Pat, quel Barbare !
Dar, Oh, becaufe you're a barber.
Bag. Voud you affront me ?
Dar. Not I.
Bag. You vil be my friend, if you vil give
dis challenge to Monfieur Patrick.
Dar. Give it me by the Lord Harry, man,
he mall have it.
VOL. i. p r
9<3 THE POOR SOLDIER.
Bag. I vill not truft dat Lord Harry's man-
Give it yourfelf.
Dar. Well, I will.
Bag. Dere it is Le Due's coachman did write
it for me as he is Englis.
Dar. Let's fee. (Opens it and reads.) " Sir,
" this comes hopping," " Hopping ! I'll run
all the way if that will do " that you're in good
" health, as I am at this prefent writing I tell
" you what friend, tho* you think yourfelf a
*' great officer, you don't make me walk out
<c of a window, and this comes to let you know
" I'll have Norah in fpite of you, I'll be damn'd
<e if I don'tj and moreover than that, meet me
" in the Elm Grove, at Seven in the Evening,
** when you muft give me fatisfaction, but not
" with curling irons, till then I'm yours, as in
c duty bound."
Bag. Oui, dat is de etiquette of the challenge,
I put no name for fear of de law.
Dar. It is not directed, but Pat fhall have it,
Bag. Fort bien.
Dar. I know Pat is Norah's fweetheart but
how did he affront you ?
Bag. Affront, begar he did take off his hat
and make me a low bow.
Dar. That was an affront indeed.
Bag. And den fays he, Monfieur, I mould be
'much oblige to you if you vil do me the honour
to valk oac of the window.
Dar. Well you could not do lefs, he was fo
civil.
Bag. Ah ha, Monfieur, fays I, begar I vil
make you walk down flairs, vid dat I did life
my leg and ;ive him one blow dat did kick him
from de cop to de bottom.
Dar.
THE POOR SOLDIER.
291
Dar. You kickt him down ftairs ! and for that
lie muft give you fat is f aft ion.
Bag. Dat is it, Monfieur Darby, I voud not
truft de upper domeftiques at the Dukes, nor
employ de lower fervants upon dis affair of ho-
nour You mult come to de fight vid me I
have de piftols.
Dar. Piftols!
Bag. Oui, you fall be my feconde.
Dar. Piftols ! Second Eh, coud'nt I be third
or fourth ?
Bag. Ah, Monfieur, you are wrong, toute
autre chofe.
Dar. Oh, I muft get two other fhoes.
(looking at bis feet.
Bag. Non Vel, Monfieur Darby, now I have
fent my challenge, 1 am ready in de duel to de-
cide de point of honour, and fo I vil go brufh
my Mailer's coat. [Exit.
'Dar. Piftols ! I don't much like giving this
challenge to Pat he's a devil of a fellow fince
he turned Soldier ; the boy at the alehoufe fhall
give it him, for as Pat bid Monfieur walk out of
a window, he may defire me to walk up the
chimney.
SCENE II,
Enter NORAH.
Nor. No where can I find him, and I fear my
uncle will mifs me from home. My letter muft
have convinced him how he wrong'd me by his
fufpicions.
f P z ' - AIR
292 THE POOR SOLDIER,
AIR. Norah.
Deareft youth why thus delay,
And leave me here a mourning j
Ceafelefs tears while thou'rt away,
Muft flow for thy returning.
Winding brooks if by your fide,
My carelefs love is ftraying ;
Gently murmur, foftly chide,
And fay for him I'm flaying.
Meads and Groves I've wander'd o'er^
In vain dear- youth to find thee ;
Come, ah come and part no more,
Nor leave thy love behind thee.
On yon green hill I'll fit till night,
My careful watch ftill keeping j
But if he then not blefs my light,
I'll lay me down a weeping.
He comes My Patrick !
Enter PATRICK.
Pat. My dear Norah, excufe my delay ; bufc
fo many old acquaintances in the village.
Nor. You had my letter?
Pat. Yes, and I'm afham'd of my folly, to be
jealous of iuch a Baboon too.
Nor. Aye, he'd be foon difcharg'd if his maf-
ter Capt. Fitzroy knew of his prefumption.
Pat. Ah, Norah, I feel more terror at that
one Captain's name, than I did at the fight of a
whole army of enemies, drawn up in battle array
againft me.
Nor. My deareft Patrick only be conflant,
love me as I think you do, and mine is fixt on
fuch
THE POOR SOLDIER. 293
fuch a bafis of permanent affection, as never to
be (haken.
Pat. And can you prefer a poor foot foldier
to a Captain, my fweet Norah ?
Nor. Ah, my Patrick, you may be only a pri-
vate in the army, but you're a Field Officer here,
(lays her hand to her heart}
Pat. Charming, generous girl !
AIR. Patrick.
Tho' Leixflip is proud of it's clofe mady bowers,
It's clear falling waters and murmuring cafcades,
Its groves of fine myrtle, its beds of fweet flowers,
Its lads fo well drefs'd and its neat pretty maids.
As each his own village muft ftill make the moft of,
In praife of dear Carton I hope I'm npt wrong ;
Pear Carton containing what kingdoms m&y boaft of 4
'Tis Norah, dear Norah the theme of my fong.
$e gentlemen fine with their fpurs and nice boots on,
Their horfes to ftart on the Currah Kildare,
Or dance at a ball with their funday new fuits on,
Lac'd waiftcoat, white gloves and their neat ppwder'd,
hair.
Poor Pat while fo bleft in his mean humble ftation,
For gold or for acres he never mail long ;
One fweet {mile can give him the wealth of a nation,
From Norah, dear Norah, the theme of my fong.
nter FIT^ROY behind in a plain Jcarlet frock and
round hat.
Fit. {afidc) My little country wife in compa-
ny with a common foldier!
Nor. Don't fail to come to our houfe as you
promis'd, for at that time my uncle will be
{lown at Dermot's. I've a notion 'twill be a
match
*94 THE POOR SOLDIER.
match between him and Kathleen, my uncle's
her guardian Adieu my Patrick. You'll come
early, (parting tenderly) [Exit Nor ah.
Pat. Happy Dermot ! his Kathleen had not
charms to attradt the attention of this gentle.
man, but becaufe Norah is moft beautiful, Pa-
trick is moft unhappy.
Fitz. (aftde) This is a timely and fortunate dif-
covery If 1 had married her, I fliould have been
in a hopeful way I'll endeavour to conceal my
emotions and fpeak to this fellow, (advancing} A
pretty girl you've got there, brother foldier.
Pat. She's handfome, Sir.
Fitz. You feem to be well with her eh ?
Pat. (fight) But without her.
Fitz. Oh, then you think you ihall be without
her?
Pat. Yes, Sir.
Fitz. What parts you ?
Pat. My poverty.
Fitz. Why, me don't feem to be rich.
Pat. No, Sir, but my rival is.
Fitz. Oh, you've a rival ?
Pat. I have, Sir.
Fitz. Now for a character of myfelf. (afide)
Some rich rafcal, I fuppofe.
Pat. Sir, I envy his riches only, becaufe they
give him a fuperior claim to my Norah ; and
for your other epithet, I'm fure he don't de-
fer ve it.
Fitz. Howfo?
Pat. Becaufe he's an officer, and therefore a
man of honor.
Fitz. It's a pity, my friend, that you're not
an officer, you feem to know fo well what an
officer mould be pray, have you been in any
action ?
Pat,
THE POOR SOLDIER, 295
Pat. I have feen fome fervice in America, Sir.
Fitz. Carolina ?
fat. Yes, Sir j I was at the eroding of Beat-
tie's Ford.
Fitz. (with emotion] Indeed !
Pat. I'd an humble fiiare too, in our victory
of the 1 5th March at Guilford, under our brave
officers, Webfter, Leflie, and Tarleton.
Fitz, Were you in the action at Seattle's Ford ?
Pat. Here's my witnefs, Sir. (takes effhis hat)
I receiv'd this wound in the refcue of an officer
who, having fall'n, muft have perifh'd by a de-
termin'd bayonet.
Fitz. By heav'n ! the very foldier that fav'd
my life, (ajide) then I fuppofe he rewarded you
liandfomely ?
Pat. I look't for no reward, Sir. I fought-
'twas my duty as a foldier 3 to protect a fall'n man
was but an office of humanity. Good morning
to your honor.
Fitz. Where are you going now my friend ?
Pat. To abandon my country for ever.
Fitz. (afide) Poor fellow ! But, my lad, I
think you'd beft keep the field, for if the girl
likes you, fhe'll certainly prefer you to your
wealthy rival.
Pat. And for that reafon I'll refign her to him.
As I love her, Ml leave her to the good fortune
(he merits ; 'twould be only love to myfelf fliould
I involve her in my indigence.
Fitz. You'll take your leave ofhertho' ?
Pat. No, Sir I told her I'd meet her at her
uncle's, but I think it better even to break a pro-
mife, than expofe her to the pangs of a fepara-
tion, which, without felf-flattery, I know muft
grieve her tender heart;
- Fitz.
296 THE POOR SOLDIER.
Fitz. Well, but my lad, take my advice and
fee the girl once again before you go.
Pat. Sir, I'm oblig'd to you you muft be a
good natur'd gentleman, and I'll take your ad-
vice. Then I will venture to fee my Norah once
more, for if even Father Luke turns me out of
his houfe, I flian't be much difappointed.
AIR. Patrick.
Farewell my dear Norah, adieu to fweet peace,
Ah, fay cruel fate, when my forrow {hall ceafe ;
I fear'd neither muiket nor cannon nor fword,
Farewell is my terror, for death's in that word !
Yet farewell to Norah, adieu to fweet peace,
Ah, fay, cruel fate when my forrow ihall ceafe.
[Exit Patrick.
Fitz. What a noble fpirit there let the em-
broider'd epaulet take a cheap leflbn of bravery,
honor and generofity from fixpence a day and
worfted lace.
Enter BOY with a letter.
Boy. Pray, Sir, are you the man in the red
coat ?
Fitz Ka, ha, ha ! Why, yes, my little hero,
I think I am the man in the red coat.
Boy. Then Darby deiir'd me to give you that.
[Exit unperceived.
Fitz. (opening the letter} Darby ! a new corref-
pondent (reads) * This comes hopping,
duty bound." A curious challenge, and pray
my little friend, where is this Mr. Darby, (looks
round) Eh ! why the herald is off my Norah
feems to have plenty of lovers here but how
has my attachment tranfpir'd ? Seven o'clock in
the
THE POOR SOLDIER. 297
the Elmgrove Well, we fliall fee what fort of
Hero Mr. Darby is. This charmjng girl ! A
pretty fnare matter Cupid has led me into.
How unlucky, to erect fo fair a manfion on ano-
ther man's foundation !
AIR. Fitzroy.
Thou little eheat, return my heart,
For if you've loft your own,
'Tis butatbeft a roguifh art,
To coax poor me with mine to part
And yours for ever gone,
Hence ye graces, fmiles, and loves.
Tender figh and falling tear,
Venus harnefs all thy doves,
Cupid quit thy manfion here,
Heal my wound and footh my pain,
Rofy Bacchus chear niy foul ;
Jf the urchin comes again,
Drown him in thy flowing bowl.
[Exit,
SCENE III.
Outfide of DERMOT'S Cottage.
Enter FATHER LUKE and DERMOT.
F. Luke. Well now Dermot. T've come to your
houfe with you what is this bufinefs ?
Der. Oh, Sir, I 11 tell you.
F. Luke. Unburthen your confcience to me,
child fpeak freely you know I'm yourfpintual
confeflbr, fo I muft examine into the ftate of
your foul tell me have you tapp'd the barrel
of ale yet ?
YQL, I, C^Q^ Der,
*9* THE POOR SOLDIER.
Der. That I have, Sir, and you fhall tafte it,
[Exit,
F. Luke. Aye, he wants to come round me
for my ward Kathlane.
Re-enter DER MOT with Ale.
My dear child, what's that ?
Der. Only your favorite brown jug, Sir
F. Luke, (taking it) Now, child, why will you
do thefe things? (drinks)
Der. I'll prime him well before I mention
Kathlane. Its a hard heart that a fup can't foften.
F. Luke. Boy, what fignifies your jug, you
know I don't think of it without a tender fong
you're a country hd and a fhepherd, and a lover,
Der. All that I furely am, Sir.
AIR. DERMOT.
My fheep feaft on flowers, and fine is their wool,
My dog he is faithful my bottle is full :
And green is the pafture, and blue is the flcy,
And Aura foft whiipers in amorous figh.
A note from my pipe is the joy of th plain,
That couples in dancing the nymph and the fwain.
Tho* fmiles of bright fummer encircle my year,
Alas ! all is nothing Kathlena's not here !
Gay Shelah prefents me a bowl of fweet cream,
Fond Oonah re-queits I'd interpret her dream ;
For faving two lambs that fell into the brook,
Each wove me a chaplet to hang on my crook.
All mine are the meadows that round I behold,
And mine are the flocks that at fun-fet I fold,
My neighbours are cheerful, their friendfhip fmcere, ,
Alas ! all is nothing--- Kathlena's not here ;
[Exit into the Houfe,
Enter
THE POOR SOLDIER. 299
Enter DARBY.
Dar. How do you do, Father Luke ?
F. Luke. Go away Darby, you're a rogue.
Dar. Father Luke, confent that I ihall marry
fcathlane.
F. Luke. You marry Kathlane, you reprobate !
Dar. Give her to me, and I'll give your rev'rence
a iheep.
F. Luke. Oh, well, I always thought you were a
boy that woud come to good a Iheep ! You
fhall have Kathlane You've been very wicked.
Dar. Not I, Sir.
F. Luke. What ! an't I your prieft, and know
what vvickednefs is but repent it and marry.
Dar. Yes, Sir, I'll marry and repent it.
AIR. F. Luke.
You know I'm your Prieft and your conference is Inine,
But if you grow wicked it's not a good figfl>
So leave off your raking and marry a Wife
And then my dear Darby you're fettled for life.
Sing Ballynomona Oro,
A good merry wedding for me.
II
The banns being publifh'd to Chapel we go,
The Bride and the Bride-groom in coats white as fnow.
So modeft her air and fo meepifhyour look',
You out with your ring and I pull out my book.
Sing, Ballynomona Oro,
A good merry wedding for me.
I thumb
3 do THE POOR SOLDIER.
ill.
I thumb out the place and I then read away,
She blufhes at love, and (he whifptrs obey,
You take her dear hand to have and to hold,
I (hut ap my Book and I pocket your gold.
Sing Ballynomona Oro,
The fnug little Guinea for me.
IV.
The neighbours wifh joy to the Bridegroom and Bride,-
The piper before us, you march fide by" fide,
A plentiful dinner gives mirth to each face,
The piper plays up, myfelf I fay grace.
Sing Bailynomona Oro,
A good wedding dinner for me.
You (hall have Kathlane and here (he comes.
Dar. (Bowing.) Thank you, Sir. \_Bcthretire.
Enter KATHLANE, with a bird in a Cage.
AIR. Katb/ane.
Sweet bird* I caught thee in thy neft
And fondling plac'd thee in my breaft,
When thou wert helplefs, weak and young,
Unffedg'd thou couds't not wing the air,
I cherifh'd thee with tender care,
Be grateful pay me with a fong.
AH what to thee are groves and fields,
The tempting gifts gay Flora yields,
Why pant and flutter to be free ?
Ten thoufand dangers are abroad,
Then in thy fmall, but fafe abode,
Content and cheerful fmg forme.
Thoo
THE POOR SOLDIER. 301
Thou thinks't not of the various ills
The wintry blaft that often kills,
I'd fain thy little life prolong,
The ruffian Hawk prescribes it's date,
The levell'd gun is charg'd with fate,
Here brave them in thy warbling fong.
Oh, Father, is Dermot within, Sir ?
F. Luke. Kathlane, don't think of Dermot.
To her man, put your beft leg foremoft.
Dar. I don't know which is my beft le.g.
F. Luke. Go (makes fign* to Darby.'}
Dar. Oh, I muft go and give her a kifs.
(kiffes her.) He, he, he! what fweet lips!
he, he, he ! Speak for me, Sir.
F. Luke. Hem ! Child Kathlane Is the (heep
fat ?
Dar. As bacon!
F. Luke. Child, this boy will make you a good
hufband, won't you Darby ?
Dar. Yes, Sir.
Kath. Indeed Father Luke, I'll have nobody
but Dermot.
F. Luke. I tell yeu child, Dermgt's an ugly
man and a bad chriftian.
Enter DERMOT.
Dar. Yes Dermot's a bad man and an ugly
chriftian.
F. Luke. Come here Dermot, take your mug,
you empty fellow, (throws it away) I am goin^
to marry Kathlane here, and you muft give her
away.
Der. Give her away ! I muft have her firft, and
it was to afk your cenfent that I
F. Luke. I* h, what ! you marry her ! no fuch
thing put it out of your head.
Der.
J02 THE POOR SOLDIER.
Der. If that's the cafe, Father Luke, the tw6
fheep that I intended as a prefent for you, I'll
drive to the fair to-morrow and get drunk with
the money. [Going.
F.Luke, (paufcs.} Hey, two fheep ! (afide.)
Come back here ; it's a fin to get drunk. Darby
if you've nothing to do, get about your bufinefs.
'Dar. Sir!
f. Luke. Dermot, Child ! Is'nt it this evening I
am to marry you to Kathlane ?
Dar. Him I why lord Sir, it's me that you're
to marry to her.
F. Luke. You, you ordinary fellow !
Dar. Yes Sir, you know I'm to give you
F. Luke, (dpart to Dermot.) Two fheep ?
(loud to Darby.) You don't marry Kathlane.
Dar. No!
F. Luke. No, 'tis two to one againft you. So
get away Darby.
Katb. and Der. Aye, get away Darby.
F.Luke. (ToKaih. and Der.) Children, I ex-
pect Capt. Fitzroy at my houfe for my niece
Norah and I'll couple you all as foon as I clap
my thumb upon matrimony.
QUARTETTE. .F. Luke, Dermot, Darby and
Katblane.
Katb. to Der. You the point may carry
If a while you tarry.
To Dar. But for you
I tell you true,
No, you I'll never marry.
Cho. You the point, &c.
Der. Care our fouls difowning,
Punch our forrows drowniag,
Laugh and love,
And ever prove
Joys, joys our wimes crowning.
Clo. Care oar, &c.
Dar.
THE POOR SOLDIER. 303
jTtyr, To the church I'll hand her,
{Offers to take her hand,Jhe refufes.)
Then thro' the world I'll wander,
I'll fob and figh
Until I die,
A poor forfaken Gander.
Cho. To the church, Sec.
f, Luke. Each pious Prieft fince Mofes,
One mighty truth difclofes,
You're never vext,
If this the text
Go fuddle all your nofes.
Cho. Each pious, &c.
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
A Grove.
Enter FITZROY.
Fitz. Who can this challenger be ? Some hay-
maker perhaps meet me with a reaping hook,
ha, ha, ha !
Bag. (without.} Venez ici.
Fitz. '^Locking out.) Eh, my man Bagatelle.
Ah, the officious puppy I fuppofe has heard of
the affair, and is come to prevent mifchief.
Bag. (Without.) Come along Monfieur Darby.
Fitz. Darby ! the name the boy mentioned
Let's fee. [Retires.
Enter
304 THE POOR SOLDIER.
Enter DARBY, -with a Piftol, and BAGATJLLLE,
with a Sword*
Dar. Mr. Bag and Tail.
Bag. Well ?
Dar. When I fall, as to be fure 1 mall that is,
if Pat's fecond is as wicked as I am, bring my
corpfc to Dermot and Kathlane's wedding.
Bag. I vil Monfieur Darby. .
Dar. But do you think I may be kill'd ?
Bag. Very like.
Dai . Hem ! He's not here we'll go home.
Bag. Ah, ha ! firil I vill fight him vidde piftol
and den I vtf fight him vid de fword.
Dar. I'd rather you'd fight him with the fword
firft.
Bag. Pourquoi why fo ?
Dar. Becaufe I long to fee a little fword play,
and if yoru fhould be killed with the piitols, then
I'm difappointed.
Fitz. (afide.} Can Bagatelle be the challenger?
Dar. When Pat (hoots I get behind you.
CJlands at bis back ) You're curfed thin, one might
as well Hand behind a pitch foikj 1 w'fh you were
fatter.
Bag- Ah, Diable ! wou'd you have me Dutch-
man ?
Dar. Indeed I wou'd upon this occafion I'd
rather fight behind a Dutch Weaver than a French
Churchwarden.
Bag. Soldier Pat did bid me valk out of de
vinder. Ah, ha, begar I vil niake him valk out
of de vorld.
Fitz. {Advances.} Servant Gentlemen.
Bag. Mon Maitre !
Fitz,
THE POOR SOLDIER. 305
Fit-z. So you fend challenges, you rafcal.
(Jhews letter to Darby)
Dar. Me, Sir! Not I, Sir Oh! yes, Sir, I
No, Sir, I got it from Monfieur Bag and Tail.
(frightened)
Bag. (ajide) Ah diantrdl
Fitz. (to Bagatelle) Hacr you the impudence
to write fuch a letter as this ?
Bag. Non, Monfieur the Duke's coachman.
Fitz. Coachman, firrah !
Bag. Oui, Monfieur I vil tell your Honor all
touchant cet affaire. Sir, I was
Dar. Hold your jabbering I'll tell the whole
ftory in three words. Sir, you muft know,
Pat, the foldier No Monfieur Bag and Tail
was Father Luke's houfe -come up ftairs
no Norah bid him fays Pat, fays he (td
Bagatelle) What did he fay ? Oh, fhe mut the
door out of the window: and before Pat could
no after how was it ? (to Bagatelle)
Bag. Oui, dat vas de whole affair.
Dar. Yes, Sir, that was the whole affair.
Fitz. Upon my word, very clearly explained.
Dar. Yes, I didn't go to fchool for nothing.
Fitz. I find my little Norah is the object of
Univerfal gallantry, (afide)
Bag. Ah, Monfieur.
f Fitz. Begone, firrah; and if ever I find you
concerned in letters of this kind again, you gee a
lettre de catcher.
Bag. Ah malheureux 1 [Exit.
Dar. (calling after him) Yes, Monfieur, you'd
better ftick to the curling irons.
Fitz. Yes, my friend, and you had better
flick to your flail and fpade than meddle with
fword and piftol. None but gentlemen fhou'd
VOL. i. R R have
3 o6 THE POOR SOLDIER.
have privilege to murder one another in an ho-
norable way ; but, when duelling thus defcends,
let them be amam'd of a practice, the fatal con-
fequences of which precludes him from hope of
mercy who dies in the commiffion of a premedi-
tated crime, and delivers the furvivor to the
iharpeft pains of remorfe. (going)
Dar. One word, Sir, if you pleafe.
Fitz. (returning) Well, my honeft friend!
Dar. Now, Sir, Kathlane's quite loft, there's
one thing troubles mej and I'll leave it to you
which of the two, Dermot or I, is the prettieft
boy for it ?
Fitz. Ha, ha, ha! Stupid fcoundrel ! [Exit.
Dar. Stupid fcoundrel! You a captain! Hal-
loo, corporal ! (calls after Fitzroy)
Re-enter FITZROY.
Fitz. (threat 1 mng) How!
Dar. (turning and falling to the other fide) I
fay you, corporal. [Exit Fitzroy.
Dar. Such a fwaggerer ! Aye, 1 muft go to
town, and learn to talk to thefe people.
AIR. Darby..
Since Kathlane has pror'd Co untrue,
Poor Darby, ah! what can you do?
No longer I'll ftay here a clown,
But fell off, and gallop to town :
I'll drefs, and I'll ftrut with an air,
The barber fhall frizzle my hair.
II.
In Dublin I'll cut a great dafti;
But how for to compafs the cafti?
A:
THE POOR SOLDIER. 307
At gaming, perhaps. I may win,
With cards I can take the flajts in :
Or trundle falfe dice, and they're nick'd ;
Jf found out, I fhall only be kick'd.
W.
But, firft, for to get a great name
A duel eftablifh my fame ;
To my man then a challenge I'll write,
But, firft, I'll take care he won't fight :
We'll fwear not to part 'till we fall,
Then fhoot with our powder, and the devil a ball.
[Exit.
SCENE V; and loft.
Injide ^/"FATHER LUKE'S Houfe.
F. Luke, (within) Aye, I'll teach you to run
after foldiers.
Nor. (within) Dear, Sir!
Enter FATHER LUKE and No RAH.
F. Luke. Come along. If you won't have
Captain Fitzroy you go to Boulogne. Pat, the
foldier, indeed ! I'll lend you to a convent I
will by my function.
Nor. ST, I am contented.
F. Luke. Contented ! Very fine. So you put
me into a pafii<>n. and now you*re consented.
Go get in there, Mrs. Kn^pftck, (puts 'her if?,
and locks the door) (tap r at the door with the &V-
consent to marry Captain Fitzroy, or there }
ftay 'till I fhip you for France.
& R 2 Enter
30$ THE POOR SOLDIER,
Enter FITZROY;
Fitz. Eh, Father Luke! Who's going to
France ?
F. Luke. Only a young lady here within, Sir,
that's a little refractory. She won't marry you.
Sir.
Fitz. Refufe my hand ! Well, that I'did not
expect. But do you refign her to me, Sir ?
F. Luke. There, with that key, I deliver up
my authority, (gives key) And now, if I can
find Mr. Patrick, her foldier, he goes to the
county gaol for a vagabond. A jade! to lofe
the opportunity of making herfelf a lady, and
me a bifhop. [Exit.
Fitz. Oh ! here is her foldier. Now, " I
muft Teem cruel only to be kind.'*
Enter PATRICK.
Pat. Well, Sir, by your advice I have ven-
tur'd here, like a fpy, into the enemy's camp.
Fitz (fternly] Pray, my friend, were you ever
brought to the halbei ts ?
Pat. Sir!
Fitz. How, came you abfent from your regi-
ment ? have you a furlough ?
Pat. (confus'd). Not about me, Sir.
Fitz. I have the honor to bear the King's
comniifiion, and am oblig'd to take you up tor
a deferter.
Pat. Sir, it was a reliance on your honor and
good nature that tr^pann'd me here; therefore,
1 hope you won't exert an authority which 1 had
no fufpicion, at that time, you had a right to.
Fit*.
THE POOR SOLDIER, 309
Fitz. No talk, Sir ; it was for the good of the
fervice I trapann'd you hither, as you call it.
I've a proper perfon prepar'd here, into vvhofe
cuftody I (hall deliver you. (unlocks the door")
Pat. What a cruel piece of treachery ! (afide)
Fitz. (prefenting Nor ah} Since you reject me,
madam, here's one that will know how to deal
with you.
Nor. My Patrick !
Pat. Oh, Norah! if this is real, let's kneel
and thank our benefactor.
Fitz. No, Patrick, you were my deliverer;
I am Chat very officer whofe life you fav'd at
Beatti's Ford, ami the identical Captain Fitz-
roy who wou'd have depriv'd you of a treafure I
now deliver to you with joy, as the reward of
your generolity, valour, and conftancy.
F. Luke, ('without} No, I can't find the run-
away-rafcal.
Pat. Your uncle !
Nor. Oh, heavens !
Fitz. Don't be alarm'd.
Enter FATHER LUKE, DERMOT, DARBY> and
KATHLANE.
F. Luke. What's here 1 Patrick ! Dermot and
Darby, lay hold of him.
Der. Not I.
Dar. I'm no conftable.
F. Luke. I fay take him. The ferjeant Cull
lay hold of him.
Dar. Why, Sir, the white ferjeant has laid
hold of him.
Fitz. Dear Sir, don't be fo violent again ft a
young man that you'll preiently many to your
niece.
F. Luke.
3 io THE POOR SOLDIER.
F. Luke. Me !
fitz. Don't you wifh to be a bifhop ?
F. Lake. A fine road to bring a foot foldier
into my family j then a halbert muft be my
crofier, and my mitre a grenadiers cap, a common
foldier indeed !
Fitz. He's no longer fo, I have a Gommiflion to
difpofe of, and I cannot fet a higher value on it,
than by beftowing it on one fo worthy.
F. Luke. An officer ! Oh, that's another thing.
Dar. Pat an officer ! I'll lift to-morrow in fpite
of the black patch.
Pat. Sir, tho' it's a vain attempt, my fweet
Norah and I fhall endeavour to deferve your
patronage and goodnefs.
Kath. (to Norah.) My dear Norah, I wifh you
joy.
Dar. (apart to Kathlane) How dare you make
fo free with an officer's lady ?
F. Luke. But Captain, why do you give up my
Niece ?
Fitz. Sir, the Captain thought himfelf unworthy
of her, when he found fuperior merit in the poor
Soldier.
FINALE,
Fitz. More true felicity I fhall find
When thofe are join'd, (to Pat. and Nor.)
By fortune kind ;
How pleafing to me,
So happy to fee,
Such merit and virtue united.
2fcr. No future forrows can grieve us,
If you will pleafe to forgive us ;
To each kind friend
We lowly <bend, (curves)
Your pardon-- -with inv we're delighted.
fat.
THE POOR SOLDIER. 311
Pat, With my commiffion, yet deareft life,
My charming wife,
When drum and fife
Shall beat up to arms,,
The plunder your charms,
In love your poor foldier you'll find me.
Katb. Love my petition has granted,
I get the dear lad that I wanted,
Lefs pleas'd with a duke,
When good Father Luke
To my own little Dermot has join'd me.
Dar. Yon impudent hufTey, a pretty rate
Of love you prate,
But hark ye, Kate,
Your dear little lad
Will find that his pad
Has got a nice kick in her gallop.
F. Lukt. Now, Darby, upon my falvation,
You merit excommunication,
In love but agree,
And fhortly you'll fee
In marriage I'll foon tie you all up.
Der. The devil a bit o'me cares a bean,
For neat and clean
We'll both be feen,
Myfelf and my lafs
Next Sunday at mafs,
And there we'll be coupled for ever.
Pat. The laurel I've won in the field, Sirs,
Yet now in a garden I yield, Sirs,
Nor think it a fhaine
Your mercy to claim,
Your mercy's my fword and my fhield, Sirs;
THE END,
MODERN ANTIQUES;
OR,
THE MERRY MOURNERS.
IN TWO ACTS.
PERFORMED AT THE
THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN,
IN 1789.
VOL. I. S S
DRJMJTIS PERSONS.
Cockletop, i*,.i Mr. QUICK,
Frank, Mr. MUNDEN;
Hearty, m .. Mr. WILSON.
Joey, Mr. BLANCHARD,
Napkin, Mr. CUBITT.
Thomas, ~ Mr. THOMPSON.
John, Mr. BLURTON.
Mrs. Cockletop, Mrs. MATTOCKS.
Mrs. Camomile, Mifs. CHAPMAN,
Belinda, Mrs. HARLOWE.
Flounce, . Mrs. ROCK.
Nan, ; Mrs. WELLS.
Betty, ,
SCENE, Ltndon+
MODERN ANTIQUES;
OR,
THE MERRY MOURNERS.
A C T I.
SCENE I.
MRS. CAMOMILE'/ Houfe.
Enter MRS. CAMOMILE and BETTY.
MRS. CAMOMILE.
BETTY, any body here, fince?
Bet. No, Madam, but here's a ftrange Ser-
vant.
Mrs. Cam. True, Mrs. Cockletop defired me
as I pafled along Charing-Crofs, to enquire for
one for her at the Regifter-office. Ha, ha, ha !
She's too fine a lady to look after thefe things
terfelf.
Bet. -Walk up, young man. {Exit Bettyi
s s 2 Enter
31$ MODERN ANTIQUES;
Enter JOEY.
Joey. Sarvant. (nods)
Mrs. Cam. Quite a ruftic ! How long have
you been in Town ?
Joey Our Town ?
Mrs. Cam. London.
Joey. \ thought as how you meant our Town.
I com'd from Yerkfop, in the county of Nor-
folk, to get a place.
Mrs. Cam. Your name ?
Joey. What of it ?
Mrs. Cam. What is it ?
Joey. Oh, my name is Joey ; but volks call'd
me Mr. Joey all the way up, thof I com'd upon
the Coach roof; for as it's near Chriftmas time,
all the infide paflengers were Turkeys. I quit-
ted our village in a huff with one Nan Holli-
day, my fweetheart ; caufe why, flie got jealous
and faucy given.
Mrs. Cam. The wages that this Lady gives to
her footboy, are eight Guineas a year.
Joey. Guineas! that wo'n't do I muft have
eight Pounds.
Mrs. Cam. Well, if you infift upon pounds,
h, ha, ha !
Joey. Oh, I'm hired, (lays his hat and flick on
the table]
Mrs. Cam. You can give and take a meffage J
Joey. Yes, lure.
(A loud Knocking without.)
Mrs. Cam. Then let's fee? Run.
Joey. Where?
Mrs. Cam. To the door, you blockhead.
Joey, (goes to the room door and ftands] Well, I
be's at the door W hap now ?
Ifrj,
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 317
Mrs. Cam^ Open the Street door.
Joey. Oh ! (going) Here comes a Lady.
Mrs. Cam. Come up when you hear the bell.
Joey. Thefe gentlefolks don't moind what trou-
ble they e;ive a poor zarvant man. [Exit.
Mrs. Cam. Belinda!
Enter BELINDA.
Eel. My dear friend ! I've quitted Southamp-
ton Boarding-fchool, without leave tho'.
Mrs. Cam. My fweet girl, I'm very glad to
fee you ; but is this a prudent ftep ?
Bel. To be fure, when I was kept there fo long
againfl my will, by my aunt.
Mrs. Cam. Ah Belinda, confefs the truth:
wasn't it to fee your uncle's nephew Frank,
that you have fcamper'd up to town?
Bel. Ha, ha, ha ! 'Pon my honor, you're a witch:
but fuppofe fo, why not ? you and I were fchool-
fellows t'other day, yet, here you're married :
but, apropos, how is your hufband ?
Mrs. Cam. The Doctor is well.
Bel. You're already happy with the man you
love, while I'm kept at a boardmg-fchool -, when
1 am able, even to teach my dancing-mafter.
Mrs. Cam. Why, my dear Belinda, fince your
laft letter, I've been planning fchemes, how to
make you happy with the man you love.
Bel. My good creature, do tell rne ?
Mrs. Cam. You know if your uncle Mr. Cock-
letop's tooth but aches, he fancies he'll die di-
rectly, if he hasn't my hufband Dr. Camomile's
advice ; he's the grand oracle of his health, the
Barometer and Thermometer of his animal fyf-
fern, Now, as the Duclor is at Wiachefter on
a vifit
ji8 MODERN ANTIQUES;
a vifit to Come of his College chums, and w'on't
leave his good orthodox bottle of Old Port to
vifit him here in London ; he fhall vifit the Doc-
tor at Winchefter, if we can but get your Uncle
to leave town, on that hangs my grand fcheme
for the eftablifhment of you and Frank. Your
Aunt's maid Mrs. Flounce, and Mr. Napkin the
butler, are my confederates.
Bel. Oh, charming ! but I muft know it tho*.
Enter JOEY, (ftands fome time).
Joey. Well?
Bel. And well.
Joey. I'm com'd up as you bid me.
Mrs. Cam. But you fhou'dn't have come 'till
-you heard the bell.
Joey t And, wounds ! it's wringing yonder
enough to pull the Church-fteeple down.
Mrs. Cam. and Bel. Ha, ha, ha !
Mrs. Cam. Joey, carry thofe to your new
matter's, (to Belinda) Plants and fimples, cull'd
for him by the Doctor, your uncle will now be
a Botanift, as well as an Antiquarian. (Joey takes
up thefack)
Bel. Ha, ha, ha ! But my tonifli aunt's new
fangled rage for private Theatricals are to the
full, as unaccountably ridiculous as my crazy
uncle's palfion for mufty antiquities.
Mrs. Cam. Well Belinda, I'm going there di-
rectly on your affairs.
Bel. My kind friend !
Mrs. Cam. Call a coach. (Joey takes bis flick^
and puts on Belinda's hat} Ha, ha, ha ! why,
you've put on the Lady's hat.
Joey,
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 319
Joey. ^Fakes it off, then compares them.) One
chink the Lady had put on mine.
[Exeunt Mrs. Camomile and Belinda.
Your London Ladies are fo manified with their
fwich rantans, and their coats, and their waift-
coats, and watch-chain bobbities, and their tip-
top hats, and their cauliflow'r cravats, that,
ecod, no mark of their being women, but the
Petticoat. [Exit.
SCENE II.
MRS. COCKLETOP'J Drejpng P\.oom.
MRS. COCKLE TOP dif covered at her Toilet >
FLOUNCE attending.
Mrs. CGC. What a ftrange incident, my marry-
ing this old Mr. Cockletop ! Pon my honor,
were I fingle, I'd have the moft beautiful Theatre
in my houfe, and his nephew Frank mould be
the manager of late he looks at me in a very
particular manner ; I can fcarce think it poffible
for thofe features to ftrike him with admiration.
(looking in the glajs)
Flounce. Ma'm thofe features muft ftrike every
body with admiration, (looking at herfelf in the
glaj's Gixr Mrs. Cockktof s Jhouldtr)
Mrs. Coc, You flatter them.
Flounce. Not in the leaft, Ma'am ; but what
fignifies your beauty, or my fkill in fetting it
off, my mafter, fmce he's turn'd his brain
Mrs.
$20 MODERN ANTIQUES;
Mrs. Coc. Ay, fince my hufband has com.*
menced antiquarian, with his curiofities.
Flounce. Foreign cockle-ihells, mouldy far-
things, and all his old fafhion'd trumperies. I
dare lay he'd fell you for the wing of a but-
terfly.
Mrs. Coc. Flounce, I'll take you td fee Lear
to-morrow night at Lord Rantum's private
Theatre.
Flounce. Thankye Ma'am. But Mifs Topits
maid told me, all of them except your Ladyfhip,
made a ftrange piece of bungling work of their
play there lait Wednefday.
Mrs. Coc. Work ! Oh heavens ! If Shakefpeare
could have taken a peep at them, ha, ha, ha!
Romeo and Juliet the play a hot difpute arofe
on the text Mrs. Melpomene infixing an error
o'the prefs in, " Juliet is the fun," for, fays me,
(mimicking] ' Isn't Juliet a woman's name !" Cer-
tainly replies Sir Colly Comment, (mimicking)
" And is'nt Romeo talking to this very young
lady in the balcony ?" Moft certain, mem, " Ob,
oh, then, certainly (fays fhe) the poet meant
" Inilead of Juliet is the ion, that Romeo fhould
fay, it is the Eaft, and Juliet is the daughter"
Ha, ha, ha ! then the Romeo and Paris were
real rivals for the love of 1 was the Juliet
you know Flounce, how I look'd when I left
my toilet here.
Flounce. Charming ! I don't wonder if they fit
about you.
Mrs. Coc. Flounce, you're near it for in the
tomb fcene, Romeo, inftead of a foil, (ufual in
thofe cafes) whips out a fword on the noble
County Paris, uho fuppofing malice prepence,
prudently before a lunge cou'd be made at him,
lays
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 321
!ays hiinfelf down, kicks up his heels, and
Oh ! dies very decently. Romeo full of remorfe,
looking over the breathlefs body, and going on
with his fpeech in the author's words, feys
" Who have we here ? The noble County raris !
<c one writ with me in four misfortune's book,
" give me thy hand." (mimicking) The good
natur'd Count, eager to make up all animofity
on the very word, from the dead, up went the
hand, meeting Romeo's with a cordial make.
In the confuuon of laugh, occasioned by this
kind conduct, the hero, on breaking open the
tomb, totally forgot what he had to fay next, in
vain the prompter whifpers the word ; poor Juliet
might have lain in Capulet's monument 'till
Doomfday At length impatient, (fort got mon-
ftrous cold) I foftly bid him: " Speak, why
don't you fpeak ? Ha, ha, ha ! He taking it for
what he fhou'd fay, with all the furor of dif-
tracled ^ove, burfb out. " Speak, fpsak, Oh !
why don't you fpeak," ha, ha, ha 1 (looks in the
///>) Flounce, can I in complexion compare
with my niece Belinda.
Flounce: Can a dam of cold water compare to
almond pafte, and milk of rofes,
Enter JOEY with tkefack, throws it on the Toilet.
Joey. My firft piece of farvice in my new place."
{Exit.
Mrs. Coc. Ah ! (fcreams)
Enter COCKLETOP with afmall fcrollof Parchment.
(angrily) Aftonifhing, Mr. Cockletop, you won't
even let me have my drefllng-room to myfelf.
VOL. i. T T Coc,
322 MODERN ANTIQUES j
Coc. Oh, Mrs. Cockletop what a prize! I
have bought one of the long-loft books of Livy,
a manufcript fo capitally illegible, that no
man on the globe can diftinguifli or read a let-
ter of it. Let's fee what change Jie has given
me. (reckoning money)
Flounce. Full of fnails. (ft&gfag tke plants
off the talle> knocks the money out of Cockletop's
band.) [Exit.
Coc. The botanical plants from Doctor Camo-
mile ! carefully pick them up, every leaf has the
virtue.
Enter FRANK In a riding drefs.
Frank. Will they heal my wounded pocket ?
(picks up the money)
Coc. Eh ! what, you lizard ! (taking the money
from him) The valuable fimples
Mrs. Coc. Do, my dear, let poor Frank have
a little money.
Coc. From which Pd have diftilPd aqua mira-
bilis. (gathers the leaves)
Frank. Your generofity would be
Coc. So rare !
Mrs. Coc. Confider, your nephew making an
appearance equal to other young gentlemen is a
credit to you, as you're known to be
. Coc. A curiofity !
Mrs. Coc. Give him a few guineas.
Coc. Penny-royal Pll give him a Colt's
foot, (picking up the leaves)
Mrs. Coc. Befides often antiques may fall in
his way. (ivinks at Frank)
Frank, Ay, if I want to buy curious medals,
camios or intaglios for you
Coc.
OR, THE MEKRY MOURNERS. 323
Coc. What, would you buy antiques for me,
my good antelope ?
Frank. I was offer'd a fine old moth eaten
Hemings and Condel folio of Shakefpeare t'other
day for fourteen and nine pence.
Ccc. What ? no, matter, could you have it
for nine pence ? Buy it, here's a milling, and
keep the change.
Frank. Ay, Sir, a few guineas could never
come in better time, as I'm juft whip and fpur
you fee, hey! fpank to Southampton.
Mrs. Coc. (alarrid) Pray, Frank, what bufi-
nefs have you there ?
Frank. What, but to fee my lovely coufin.
Coc. Eh ! (puts up the money)
Mrs. Coc. Oh ! is that your bufinefs ?
Coc. May be, you like
Mrs. Ccc. Ay, do you admire my niece ?
Frank. Admire ? I love her to diftraction.
Coc. The fvveet girl I doat on myfelf. (afide)
Get out of my houfe you locuft.
Mrs. Coc. Love her, after all my fond hints to
him ! (afide} Oh, Sir, I remember rehearfing
Imogen with you t'other night, when I was to
have fainted in your arms.
Coc. Ay, you villain, you ftept afide, and let
my poor wife tumble down, and knock her fine
head againft the brafs fender < Take a double
hop out of your two boots, you jackdaw, how dare
you (land before your aunt, with a horfewhip
in your hand ? Do you want to bring her grey
hairs with lorrow to the grave ?
Mrs. CGC. Grey hairs.
Enter FLOUNCE.
flounce. Ma'am ! Mrs. Cammomile.
T T 2
324 MODERN ANTIQUES ;
Mrs, Coc. Sir, command your nephew to think ,
no more of my niece. Love another You an
amateur ! Stand from the entrance.
[Exit in a paffion y and FItunce.
Frank. Why, my dear uncle, you are really a
good natur'd old lad ; but for this nonfenfical
paffionfor antiquities, in which you've no more
judgment than my boot.
Coc. What's that ?
Frank. Did'nt you t'other day, give ten pounds
for a model of Trajin's pillar, which turn'd out
to be a brafs candleftick ?
Coc. No.
frank. Had'nt you a fervant-maid dragg'd be-
fore a juftice for fecreting three hundred and fifty
iilver fpoons, which you i'wore were fliut up iq
a cherry ftone.
Coc. No.
Frank. You woud'nt let my aunt go to a poor
living aclor's benefit, yet gave half a guinea for
Rofcius's eye lafh, which proved to be taken
from the corps of a cobler in Cripplegatc.
Coc. 'Tis no fuch thing.
Frank. Didn't you give twenty pounds for the
firft plate ever Hogarth engraved, tho' it was
only a pint porter pot from the Barley Mow ?
Coc. No.
Frank. Did'nt you throw a lobfler in the fire,
{wearing it was a Salamander ?
Coc. No.
Frank. When my aunt broke her tortoife&ell
comb, you carefully pick'd up every tooth,
Ihewing them about for the quills of a porcupine.
Ccc. I did not firrah.
Frank. Heaiingme whittle " the larks fhrill
notes" from the n^rt room, you attempted to
periuade the company, 'twas a humming bird.
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 325
Coc. Ay, but that was all when I was fick.
In bodily health my mind is bright and poufh'd ;
but you moft audacious dromedary ! traduce my
fkill in antiques ! Hark'y, when you can prove
to me that it's pofiible I can be impofed upon
in antiquities, that is, if I am in health, I
confent to give you Belinda ; here's my hand
on it. Begone, your face is as odious to me a
new copper penny. \_Exit,
Enter HEARTY, tailing after COCKLETOP.
Hearty. Sir, Here's the receipt
Frank- Ay, Hearty, you're my uncle's Stew-
ard, receiver of his cam., and yet do, give
me a few guineas, cheat him a littte my honeft
feliow.
Hearty. Mufn't.
Frank. Plague of the money, I want it. Ye.
terday met a parcel of lads in the Park a party
propofed for a bafonof turtle at the Spring Gar-
den I was oblig'd to " good bye" aiked to
dinner at Mr. Nabob's, Ilarley Street, fo, as I
dreaded carcis in the evening, fneak'd off* without
my hat, 'caufe I hadn't half j crown to releafc
it from the butler. Then my friend, Jack Fro-
lick, the player, franck'd me into Covent Garden ;
fat down in the upper boxes bet ween' Mifs Frump,
and Mrs. Rollabout, when the curil orange wo-
man thrufts her bafket, with " fweet gentleman,
treat the ladies." I was obliged to clap my
hand upon my pocket, with my puife gone !
Ton honor, no entring a public place for
thefe light finger'd gentry." Coming home
yefterday, caught in a (baking fhower. " Your
honor,
3zfi MODERN ANTIQUES j
honor, coach unhir'd.'' In I jumps, not re-r
collecting his difmal honor had'nt a milling
to pay for it, fo, as the fellow clapt to one door i
out I pops at t'other; but then I got mob'd by
the waterman, and broke my fhins over a poft
running away from the link-boy.
Hearty. Why, Frank, I'll lend you my own
money with all my heart.
Frank. No, before I ft rip you of what you
may yet want to cherifli your old age, I'll perifh.
Yet, this is my Belinda's birth day By heaven
I will wifh, ay, and give her joy, tho* I foot it
every mile to Southampton, and dine on water
crefles by a ditch fide. [Exit.
Hearty. Spirited lad ! But I hope by means
of my letter, I fhall be able to aflift him tho*
I thought his uncle too abfurd to tell him, yet
its ftrange what a paflion I've got myfelf, for
fiming up thofe odd fort of rarities. I'll fell my
old mafter the fmall collection I've made ; but
as his knowing them to be mine may leflen their
value in his opinion ; this letter roufes his de-
fire to buy them, and then if I can but make
him believe I'm fome traveller that has brought
them from Italy, or
Enter JOEY in a Livery.
You're the new footman ?
Joey. Yes, I be's. I've put'n on my livery,
Hearty. Here's a letter was left for your mafter,
You'll give it to him directly.
[gives letter and Exit.
Joey. So, I muft give this letter too ! They'r
reiolv'd in London, to keep no cats that woaf
catch mice.
Enter
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 32?
Enter NAN with a broom^ finging.
Nan. (begins tofweep) " A farvice in London
is no fuch difgrace."
Joey. Isn't that
Nan. Why, Joey ! (furpriz'd)
Joey. Nan, lord, lord, how glad I he's to fee
thee. (they embrace)
Nan. But what brings you here ; and in this
fine lac'd coat.
Joey. Why, I be fix'd here for a farvant man.
Nan. Zurn ! Lord, how comacle ! and I hired
here to-day as maid.
Joey. Hills and mountains will meet Oh dear!
Oh dear !
Nan. I'm now fent in here by Mrs. Flounce
to do up Lady's dreffing-room, that it feems
fome clumfy booby has thrown leaves aboutn.
Joey. I'm not a booby, Nan, I find you're as
faucy tongu'd as ever.
Nan. Oh law, was it you, Joey ? I afk pardon,
Joey. 'Twas all along of your croflhefs I com'd
up to London.
Nan. And 'twas your falfe heartednefs that
drove me to feek my bread here.
Joey. Well, fince good luck has brought us
into one houfe, we'll never quarrel, nor be un-
kind no more.
Nan. Nor I never more will be jealous Oh,
Oh ! you've had this letter from Poll Primrofe
Ah ! you deceitful {fnatcbes Hearty's letter from
Joeys waiftcoat pocket, breaks it open, and reads)
" Sir, encourag'd"
Joey. The devil, do you fee what you've
done
}z8 MODERN ANTIQUES j
done, this letter was for Meafter If I havnt
moind
Nan. Why, Joey, doi;i be angry The firft
I get for my Lady, yen (hall open for me,
that you (hall v< And belcer my fortune as other
girls do." \Exitfmging.
Jcey. Egad ! you've fpoil'd my fortune ! What
wili become of me ! /ve time to fit down,
in my new place, I {hail get kick'd out on't.
Enter I:*.-.. .
Frank. Eh ! where's Hearty ?
(Joey dtops the letter, Frank picks it up and looks al
tbefuperfcription.)
For my uncle ?
Joey, (confufed) Yes, Sir ; I got it to give himi
Frank. But how came it ope./d ?
Joey. It's open'd.
Frank. I fee it is. Do you know, that open-
ing another man's letter is tranfportation.
Joey. Is it ? then I'll take the blame upon my-
felf rather than Nan be punimed. (afide] 'Twas I
broke it open, Sir but 1 mean- only to to
break it open all accident (trembling)
Frank. This promifc; Fomething. (pc
Well, keep your own fecret, and I'll bring you
out of this icrape.
Joey. Do, Sir, do.
Frat.k* Any paper here, (fits do^n t writes, as
copying the opened letter ; reads) "Sir, Encouraged
by your character, I mail, in perfon, to-morrow,
offer to you for fale fom^ 'iucique rarities." My
old conceited uncle has engaged to give me Be-
Jinda, when 1 can prove that it's poffiblc to im-
poie on him in antiquities This may do it, and
bring
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 329
bring me a convenient fum befides for with all
the ridiculous enthuftafm of a Virtuofo, my Uncls
has fmall reading, no tafte, but a plentiful Hock
of credulity, (writes)
Coc. (without) Joey !
Joey. Waunds ! that's Matter.
Frank, (Haftily feals and Juperfcribes the letter
he had written. ) There, Hand to it ftoutly, that's
the very one you receiv'd. (Gives It.)
Joey. A thoufand thanks, kind fir.
Frank. Oh, but I (hall want a difguife (af.de.)
You put on your livery fmce you came, where are
your own cloaths ?
Joey. In the Butler's pantry.
Frank. Quick, go give that letter, (Puts him off)
Ha> ha, ha ! Yes uncle, if you've cafh to buy
antiquities, I'm a ftupid fellow indeed if I can't
find fome to fell you, and if I fucceed, hey, for
Southamnton with the triumphant news to Belinda.
[Exit.
SCENE III.
CockletGp's Study.
Enter COCKLETOP, ferufiug the letter) *nd JOEY.
Joey. Yes fir, I was defired to give it you-
if he fhouldfind out that Nan broke open t'other
Indeed, fir, that's the very letter it was
never opened.
Coc. The things this learned man mentions
here, are really very curious.
Joey. Sir, here be Mr. Napkin the Butler
coming.
VOL. r, u u Enter
;;o MODERN ANTIQUES ;
Enter NAPKIN.
Nap. Sir, a man wants you there below.
Coc. Then fir, do you fend him up here above,
(Pentfes.)
Nap. Eh ! what are you idling here ? Come,
come, I'll (hew you the bufmefs of a Footman -
you muft toaft the muffins for mine and Mrs.
.Flounce's breakfaft.
Joey. I woll, fir, and broil a beef-fteak for my
own. [Exit Napkin and Joey.
Coc. Only that my brain is for ever running on
my wife's charming Niece Belinda, (Oh, I love
her ! I like every thing old except Girls and
Guineas) I ihou'd certainly be a fecond Sir
Han's Sloane. I'd be a Solander and a Monmouth
GeofFery ! Now, who's this ?
Enter FRANK in Joey's firft Chalks, with ajmall
Hamper.
Frank, (afide) I f my Uncle knows me now, he
muft have good fpeftacles. Meafter told me, as
he told you in letter, he'd call ci you to morrow
with fome rarities fir. (In broad ountry dialeft)
Coc. Oh, then, you belong to the gentleman
who fent me this letter ? Where does your matter
live ?
Frank. At Brentford ; but I be's from Taunton
Dean, and as I was coming to town, to day, he
thought I might as well drop them here if you'll
buy them. Thefe be they, (/hewing hamper)
Coc. Oh, what, he's fent you with the things
that are mentioned here. (To the letter.)
Frank. I warrant them all vvoundy rich, he
gave me fuch a ftridl charge about 'em.
Ccc,
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 331
Coc. Rich"! ah, thefe fordid fouls can't conceive
that the moft extream delight to the eye of an
Antiquarian, is beautiful brown ruft, and heavenly
vcrdigreafe ! Let's fee, (reads.) " The firft is a
Neptune's Trident from the Barbarini Gallery.'*
Frank. 1 hat's it. (foetus a toajling-fork)
Coc. (Reads.) " One of Niebes tears pre-
ferv'd in fpirits."
Frank. That. (Produces a fmall phial. )
Coc. Curious. (afide.) " A piece of Houfe-
hold Furniture from the ruins of Herculanium,
comprifing the genuine feftion of the Efcurial."
Precious indeed, (afide.) Section of the Efcurial {
Ay, then it muft be in the fhape of (Frank Jhews
a pridiron.) Wonderful ! (Reads.) tc The cap of
William Tell, the celebrated Swifs Patriot, worn
when he fhot the apple off his fon's head."
Frank. I've forgot to bring any thing even like
that. What fhall I do? (afide.) I warrant it
be's here, fir.
Coc. I hope it is , for I will not buy one with*
out all.
Frank. Then all you fhall have (aftde.) Pretends
to look in the Hamper. Picks up Cocktetop's bat and
with a penk'ife cuts off (he brim.) That's it,
mayhap. (Gives the crown)
Coc. Great ! This is indeed the Cap of Liberty.
(Puts it on his head and reads.) " Half a yard of
" cioth from ( taheite, being a part of the mantle
<* of Queen Qbercra, preiented by her to Capcain
Coo'-."
Frank. Zounds, I was in fuch a hurry to get to
work, that Iv'e forgot half my tools, (afide)
Coc. Where's the cloth from O taheite ?
Frank. I dare fay it's here (Feels the coat he
has on.) No, roufn't hurt poor Joey. Eh ! (Cuts
a large piece off the Skirt of Cockletop's (oat while
V * 2 be
33= MODERN ANTIQUES ;
be is admiring the thingi.) Belike that's it.
[Gives if.
Coc. Indeed ! What wonderful foft texture !
We've no fuch cloth in England. This muft
have been the Fleece of a very fine fheep.
Frank. Ay, taken from the back of an old
ftupid ram.
fyc. Speak of what you understand, you clown,
much talk may betray little knowledge. Cut
your coat according to your cloth.
Frank. Yes, fir, I cut your coat according to
your cloth I muft fix him in his opinion now,
with a little finefle (afide.} Mafter to expect fifty
pounds for this balderdafh.
Coc. Here's the Money.
Frank. No, no; if he even thought you fuch a
fool to give it, he muft be a rogue to take it, but
he fha'n't make me a party, I'll let him know I'm
an honeft man. Dom me if I don't throw them
in the kennel and quit his farvice. (Going to take
them )
Coc- (Haftily) Leave them there, and take
the money to your mafter, or I'll make him fend
you to the devil, you thicldkull'd Buffalo.
(Taking cut a pocket book)
Frank. Not a penny of it will I touch.
&
Enter NAPKIN.
Nap. Sir, here's the Gentleman that fent you a
letter about calling on you tomorrow.
Coc, This muft be your mafter. (to Frank}
Frank. Now I'm in a fine way.
Coc. I'll tell him of your ralcality. Shew the
gentleman up. [Exit Napkin.
'- Frank. Don't tell him don't get a poor man
turn'd
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 333
turn'd out of bread Quick, give me the money,
and I'll take it to him myfelf.
Coc. No, no, I'll give it to him.
Frank. Plague of my finefle, that I coud'n'c
take the money when I might.
JLnter HEARTLY, (difgwfed) with ajhagreen cafe,
Hearty. Eh ! my old matter feems difguifed as
well as I The fooner I get the money the better
for poor Frank's fake, (afide)
Coc. Sir! (Bows)
Hearty. Sii ! (Bowing]
Coc. You've been in Italv, fir ?
Hearty. I have (In an affumed voice)
Frank. I wifli you'd ft.tid there, (afide)
Hearty. Not to intrude upon your time, we'll
proceed to bufmefs.
Coc. Oh, he's in a huiry for his money, (aft^e)
No delay on my fide, fir, for I offered the caih
half a dozen times.
Hearty. Sir, it was lime enough for you to offer
me payment when you received the articles.
Coc. I don't fay I offer 'd it to you yourlelf,
Hearty. To who then, fir ?
Coc. To Taunton Dean.
Hearty. I underftand you faid j but I afk
pardon you'll pleafe to look at, and if you ap-
prove of them.
Coc. Ohj yes, I approve, tho* certain people
that eat your bread, feem to think that you're a
rogue, and I'm a fool.
Frank. Then fir, you will ruin me ! (apart)
Coc. Yes, I will fir. (apart)
Hearty I'm a rogue ! lure he don't know me ?
(afide.)
Hivrly.
334 MODERN ANTIQUES;
Hearty. I flatter myfelf fir, when you fee the
articles
Coc. I have feen them.
Hearty. Pardon me, fir, but I think not, where
how ?
Coc. Why, with my eyes; how the devil elfe
Ihou'd I fee them.
Frank. I've a mind to knock both their wife
heads together and fnatch the money, (afide)
Coc. Will you difpofe of thefe or not ? (pointing
io Franks articles)
Hearty. Sir!
Coc. And, Sir! the devil didn't you come
here to fell me rarities ? (in a great pajficri)
Hearty. Yes, fir, and will if you will buy
them.
Coc. I tell you I do, and have bought them.
Hearty. Have !
Coc. Oh, he repents offering them fo cheap ;
but I'll clench the bargain. Here's the fifty
pounds, tell your mafter you took it before he
came in. (apart to Frank, giving him a nois)
Frank. Yes. (goes towards door)
COL. Hey! flop, wo'n't you give it to your
mafter ?
Frank. I'm going to give it him directly, Sir.
(going}
Coc. But, zounds! What's all this? You'll
give it him directly ! Yet, you ftalk by him as if
He was only an old wig-block.
Frank. Stalk by Who's a wig-block, Sir ?
Coc. Your mafter here.
Frank. That my mafter no.
Coc. Eh ! Isn't this your fervant ?
Hearty. No, Sir.
Coc. Didn't you write me this letter ?
(Jhewing ;V)
Hearty
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 335
Hearty. No, Sir.
Cot- What, not about the Antiquities ?
Hearty. About the Antiquities ? Oh, Yes, Sir,
Coc. Yes, Sir ; no, Sir ; carry your prevaricat-
ing pate down flairs, Sir.
Frank. This muft be an Irapoftor. (apart to
Cockletop) You're too late for after-grafs, for my
mafter has already hunrd this old fool.
Coc. Old fool ! Get you out of my houfe you
fcoundrel, or (takes down a blundsrbujs}
{Exit Frank.
Offer to open your juggling-box here, and I'll
blow you to Brentford, you dog, I will, (pre-
fents) [Exit Hearty.
Enter MRS, CAMOMILE, and MRS. COCKLETOP,
they both f cream.
Mrs. Cam. Heavens, Mr. Cockletop, will you
kill us?
Mrs. Coc. Lord, what's on your head ?
Coc. The Cap of Liberty Oh, the fuper-beau-
tiful purchafe I havejuft made! Such a charm-
ing addition to my little curious collection !
Mrs. Camomile you've tafte, I'll give you a treat
I'll fhew her all. (afide)
Mrs. Coc. (feeing the things that Frank bad left}
Heavens ! who has done this ?
Enter FLOUNCE.
Here, take thefe, and fling them
Coc. Lay your fingers on them, and I'll Stra-
bo, Campden, and Bifliop Pocock Madam, you
fhould, (to Mrs. Camomile] that is, do you know
you're a Dilitante I fay you're a celebrated Dil-
le and Now what a fine difcourfe Sir Jofeph
Banks wou'd make upon thefe 'Madam, I fay
Mrs. Coc.
33$ MODERN ANTIQUES;
Mrs. Coc. Blcfs me- 1 who has trimm'd you
this way ?
Coc. Sir Afhton I. ever! I wifh your hufband
Doctor Camomile was in town I've fuch a
feaft for the venerable Bede.
Mrs. Cam. I with we cou'd get you out of
town, (afide} Ay, but Mr. Cockletop, a man
with money and judgment like you, fhou'd
travel himfelf to colled rarities.
Coc. I've no occafion to give myfelf the fatigue
and perils of travel, to hazard my neck, dragg'd
over Alpine precipices, or get my throat cut in.
dirty Italian inns, or fuftbcated by peftilential
fleams from the infernal mouth of Vefuvius ; I
need not like Pliny the elder, be drown'd in a
fliower of cinders. No, no, here I fit at home,
quiet, in my eafy chair; while travellers come,
and lay at my feet the wonderful fruits of their
wife refearches. Awake, prepare your under-
Handing, here's a tear the devil, I forgot who
cried this tear, (afide) Hem ! It's a precious drop
preferv'd in fpirits.
Flounce. Ha, ha, ha !
Coc. Get along, you moft fcandalous tongued
I define, Mrs. Cockletop, you'll order your
flip-flop out of the mufeum. Then here is a
moft valuable (holds up the Gridiron)
Enter JOEY, at the lack.
Joey. I'm fet to broil beef-fteaks, and toafl
muffins. The cook faid Mr. Frank took 'em,
and brought 'em out of the kitchen
Coc. There ! all coll me only fifty pounds.
This is a Neptune's Trident, (holds up the toajiing
fork
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 337
fork} and this piece of furniture from Hercula-
nium, the mocjel of the Efcurial, built in honor
of St. Lawrence, who was broil'd on
Joey. Thankye, Sir, I was looking ifor the
Toafting-fork and the Gridiron, (takes tbem)
[Exit.
Flounce. Ha, ha, ha !
Coc. What's that ?
Mrs. Coc. Why, Mr; Cockletop, what have
you been about here ?
Mrs. Cam. Only look
Ctc. I believe I'm bit. Taunton Dean ! He
was a rogue, (looks at his cvat and hat) Is my
face genuine?
Mrs. Coc. Why, 'tis an Antique Bat indeed,
my dear, you don't look well.
Coc. Don't I ?
Mrs. Cam. This may help my fcheme. (afide)
My dear Sir, I wou'dri't Ihock you, but you
look
Coc. Do I?
Mrs. Cam. My hufband the doctor, often told
me, that your bodily illnefs always had an effect
upon your mind.
Coc. No man living underftands my conftitu-
tibn but Doctor Camomile I muft be; (feeling
his pulfe)
Mrs. Cam. When a gentleman of your know-
ledge is fo grofsly duped, it's a certain fign
Coc. It is, that I'm ill, or I never could have
been taken in.
Mrs. Coc. Lud 1 I wifli your hufband the doc-
tor was in Town.
^ Mrs Cam. I'd advtfe Mr. Cockletop to go to
him at Winchefter, directly.
VOL, i, xx Mrs.
338 MODERN ANTIQUES^
Mrs. Coc. Here, Napkin !
Enter NAPKIN.
Order the horfes to your poor mafter the
docfcor-at Winchefter.
Nap, (looks with concern at Cockle top} Oh, he is
yes Ma'am here, John, define Thomas to
make Joey put a pair of horfes to the chaife.
Mrs. Cam. You'd beft let Mr. Napkin attend
you.
Mrs. Coc. He's a careful man.
Coc. In this journey, I can view the famous
antient abbey of Netley j I have a choice bifter
drawing of it 1*11 climb and bring from the
lummit of the mould'ring wall
Mrs. Coc. Yes, you're in a ftate for climbing !
Wou'd you break your neck, my dear lave, and
your poor wife's heart ?
Coc. Kind fpoufe ! I'll call at Southampton,
and fee my Belinda, tho' I die at her feet.
(afde)
Mrs. Coc. When he's out of town, I fhall
have the uninterrupted company of. my dear
Frank (ajide) Keep up your fpirits, my love.
Coc. I live only for you, my d eared.
[Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Cockletop.
Mrs. Cam. Napkin, ha, ha, ha ! Here's an op-
portunity for our plan. You know as we've all
without fuccefs, repeatedly endeavour'd to per-
iuade the old couple to fettle fome provifion on
wtheir neice and nephew, Frank and Belinda
* Nap. Aye, ma'am we mull try ftratagem.
Mrs. Cam. The excufe your miftrefs gives, is
the chance of her having children of her own,
whom me can't wrong, by lavifhing their patri-
on others.
Nap,
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 339
Nap. Ha, ha, ha ! then to put her out of all
hopes of that, as you have fettled, we'll make
her believe rny matter's dead, and as I'm now
going into the country with him, leave that to
me ma'am.
Mrs. Cam. I fancy it will be eafy, as me alrea-
dy thinks him ill.
Nap. And feeble. She heard him threaten to
climb up the mouldering walls of Netley Abbey,
in fearch of a fprig of ivy, or an owl's neft ; and
if I can't invent a ftory to bring the old gentle-
man tumbling down
Mrs. Cam. Ha, ha, ha ! And .make your mif-
trefs, (the mourning widow) eftablifh the dear,
amiable young couple well and happy, it will be
an excellent joke to laugh at over their wedding
fupper.
Nap. But I muft prepare for the journey.
Mrs. Cam. And I, home, to comfort poor Be-
linda. Only you act your part moil dolefully
natural, and we muft proper. [Exeunt,
2ND OF TH? FIRST ACT,
XX 2
340 MODERN ANTIQUES;
ACT II,
SCENE I.
MRS. CAMOMILE'^ Iloufe.
Enter FRANK, in his dijguife,
FRANK.
HOLLO ! Mrs. Camomile ! here's a nick ! ha,
ha, ha !
Enter HEARTY in his own ckaths t greatly agitated.
Hearty. Ay, here's the rafcal. (lays bold en
Frank} Villain ' Tell me this inftant.
Enter JOEY, running.
Jcey. Yes, this is my Coat ; I'll make a Davy
qf it. (lays holds of Frank on the other fide:
Frank. Hey ! Be qiret my good friends!
He rfy. (enraged] Where's the money you ob-
tain'd undei fdlle pretences, rafcai ?
Joey.
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 341
Joey. Peli er my coat, firrah.
Frank. Both deliver me, or with one of you,
fll rattan the other out of the room, (difenragct
himfelf) You fcoundrel, is this your thanks, tor
faving your neck, when you broke open your
matter's letter, (apart to Joey]
Joey. (Surveying him) Lud ! if it isn't and
here too's the gentleman that gaven me if lie
difcovers. (afide) Keep my wearing apparel,
and lav no mor aboutn.
Frank. You fay no more aboutn, or you
fail for Port Jackfon. Step down, and bring
ine word when a faddled horfe comes to the
door Fly !
Joey. Yes, Sir, yes. (frightened'} [Exit.
Frank. Hallo ! Hearty, how do you my buck.
[difcovers himfelf)
Hearty. Frank! (furveying bim with fbrprife)
Frank. Frank and free Tol, lol, lol ! Eh,
only touch'd uncle out of fifty. (Jbews the Bank
&ote) Uncle's own Kitchen's now his Heicula-
nium, ha, ha, ha ! To think how I've left him
in his Cap of Liberty, flouriming his Barbarini
toafting-fork. He's to give me Belinda when I
can prove he can be impos'd upon in Anti-
quities.
Hearty. But how did you
Frank. Then fuch triumph, to fling the hatch-
et even beyond the traveller - 3 but I had a mind
to kick him tho'.
Hearty. I'm glad you did not tho',
Frank. You glad ! Why, what is it to you ? I
fhall never forget old Muz, the Philofbper ; f
think I fee him now, with his fcientific wig
puli'd over his mulberry nofe,
342 MODERN
Hearty. You do? (in his feign* d voice)
Frank. Eh ! (furpriz'd) Really, cou'd it have
been you my honeit old friend.
Hearty. Aye, here you fee old Muz, the phi-
lofopher, who laid out for a fifty, only to intro-
duce it to you, my dear boy. (Jhakes bis hand)
Frank, (ruminating) Well, now, upon my
foul, this is
Hearty. Hang reflection, as long as one of us
has fucceeded ; have you heard of your uncle's
leaving town.
Frank. Has he ?
Hearty. I've fome time upon my hands, I'll
go with you to Southampton. My borfe is at
the livery-ftables the other fide of Weftminfter
Bridge.
Frank. Y6u'd beft ftep on before me, have
him out ready, you'll not have a momrnt to
wait, for Til mount the inftant mine comes to
the door.
Hearty. You'll tell me how you circumvented
me, and fuch roaring laughs as we'll have all
the way, ha, ha, ha ! " By the Lord, lad, Pm
glad you've got the money." [Exit.
Frank. Ha 3 ha, ha ! Well, my mock curiofiiies
may have a better tffccT: on my uncle than
Heaity's real ones, if they can help to cuie him
of an abfunl whim that makes him the dupe of
Jmpoftors, flinging his money after things of no
utility. His very clown (h tei a Us have now-
found out his weak fide, and often pay their
rent in buttei flies, dried leaves, ftones, and
bits of old iron, (looks at his watch) Getting
late: I'd like to fee if Mrs. Camomile has any
commands for her friend Belinda.
Enter
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 343
Enter BELINDA at the back, and JOEY at the fide*.
Joey. Sir, the horfe be come.
Frank. Then, hey for love, and my divine Be-
linda, (going)
Bel. Pray, Sir, whither in fuch a monftrout
hurry ?
Frank. My love !
Joey. Love ! Oh, then, I may ride the poney
ttiyfelf. [Exit.
Frank. In the name of miracles, how did you
get here ?
Bel. You know we've the beft friend in the
world in dear Mrs. Camomile, the miflrefs of
this houfe.
Enter MRS. CAMOMILE.
Mrs. Cam. Come, come, you happy pair of
turtles, this room is the ftage for a little comedy
I've to act with your aunt ; of which, I hope,
your union will prove the denouement.
A loud knocking ivitbout. Enter FLOUNCE.
Flounce. Ma'am, my miftrefs is juft drove up
to the door.
Bel. Oh, heavens! if fhe finds I've run to
town (going)
Mrs. Cam. Stop flie'll meet you on the flairs.
Bel. This way, Frank ; when my aunt comes
in here, we'll flip down.
Mrs. Cam. But, Belinda, you'll tell Frank what
we're at, and both trip directly home ; and you,
and all the (ervants, on with your fables.
Frank.
$44 MODERN ANTIQUES;
Frank. Sables! What, to celebrate my true-
love's birth-day ! No, I'll have fuch an elegant
entertainment at home.
Bel. Will you hold your tongue, and come
along. [Exeunt.
Mrs. Cam. If my little plot on their aunt but
profpers. Flounce, run and defire Napkin to
con over the leflbn I taught him, and look as
difmal as an executor left without a legacy.
Flounce. And, Ma'am, I'll bid him keep his
handkerchief to his eyes, for fear an unfortunate
laugh mou'd fpoil all : here's my miftrefs, Ma'am ;
I wiili you fuccefs.
[Exit Flounce.
Enter MRS. COCKLETOP, (elegant and gayfy
drefsed}
Mrs. Coc. Oh, Mrs. Camomile !
Mrs. Cam. Well, how do you do?
Mrs. Coc. Our houfe feems fo melancholy fince
my poor dear man has left town, that now I
can't bear to ftay at home.
Mrs. Cam. And when he was at home, yoii
were always gadding, (afide)
Mrs. Coc. I forgot to fhew you my drefs : I
had it made up for Cordelia, in our intended
play at Mrs. Pathos's. As you were not there>
I put it on to confult your tafte.
Mrs. Cam. Oh, I forgot to thank you for my
ticket ; but excufe me, an engagement
Mrs. Coc. Ha, ha, ha ! You had no lofs, for
our tragedy was converted into a bull.
Mrs. Cam. Ball !
Mrs. Coc. Lear, you \ now, was our play, which
we got up with every poflible care. Well,
Ma'am,
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 345
Well, Ma'am, Colonel Toper, who was to have
play'd Glo'fter, having conquer'd too many bot-
tles of Burgundy after dinner, (mimicks) " No,
I'll be for none of your ftage I'll fit in the fide-
boxes among the ladies. Begin your tragedy,
I'll be very civil I'll clap, and I'll encore."
" But, dear Colonel, (cries Mrs. Pathos) re-
member you're to play; you muft go on."
" Well, Madam, I'll fit and fee myfelf come
on, that muft be monftrous fine, becaufe I'm fo
perfect in my part ; but, firit, we'll have t'other
bottle," and reel'd back into the dining-
room. " Oh, diffraction! (cries Mrs. Pathos)
my audience all met I'm eternally difgraced."
" By heaven, you fhan't, Mem ! (fays Mr.
Segoon) I'll make an apology. Ladies and
Gentlemen, Colonel Toper having been fud-
denly taken ill, my Lord Brainlefs has kindly
confented to read the part of Glo'fter, and hopes
for your indulgence." " Bravo!" from his
Grace, and " bravo !" echoed the furrounding
circle. Up went the curtain, on came his Lord-
fhip, back in hand; he reads, he acts " bra-
viffimo !" On fmoothly went the play, 'till the
fcene where Cornwall orders the unhappy
Glo'fter's eyes to be put out, an incident, none
of our fafhionable actors ever thought of, 'till
the inftant the cruel command was given.
"Without eyes (" were all the letters funs")
Glo'fter cou'dn't read ; the probability of fiction
thus deftroy'd the play cou'dn't proceed, a ge-
neral laugh took place, benches were removed,
the fiddles ftruck up Hillifberg's Reel, and
audience and actors join'd in a country-dance.
Ha, ha, ha! No, I'm determin'd to act no more
amongft them. \Vhy can't,! have plays in my
VOL. i. Y y own
H6 MODERN ANTIQUES ;
own houfe as well as Mrs. Pathos? My huf-
band's repofitory wou'd make me a complete
theatre, if I cou'd but get all his ftupid rarities
out of it. Wasn't that a very abfurd circum-
itance ? Ha, ha, ha ! Ton my honor, tho' I
laugh I'm exceedingly melancholy.
Mrs. Cam. You've nothing to make you un-
eafy : You're fure that with my huiband, Doctor
Camomile, Mr. Cockletop is in fafe hands.
Mrs. Coc. Why, I think he's not worfe, or I
fhou'd have known it by my dreams ; fr, fleep-
ing or waking, he's my thoughts.
Mrs. Cam. Then there's hope He's better :
be cheerful.
Mrs. Coc. Well, Mrs. Camomile, it aftonifhes
me how you can be cheerful while your huf-
band's abfent ; but, indeed, it's rather unfortu-
nate when people are formed with hearts of more
fenftbiiity than others. I've heard often, but
can't have the fmalleft conception, that there
are women that marry old men with no other
view than foon to become rich widows, and
then take a young one. Oh ! my blood rifes
when I think of fuch wives ! I'd rather die my-
felf, nay, I'm fure I cou'dn't live, if any thing
was to happen to my hufband.-
Enter BETTY.
et. Why, Ma'am, here's Mr. Napkin juft
come below.
Mrs. Ccc. But is his matter return'd too ?
Mrs. Cam. Well, if even he is not, why fhou'd
that alarm you ?
.:. Coc. Then, perhaps, Napkin has brought
Where is he? Why don't he come up ? Nap-
Junj
OR, THE MERRY MOURNE-RS. 347
kin ; (calls) torture me with fufpence. Oh I
Lord, Mrs. Camomile, if any thing's the matter
J fhall die. (with great emotion)
Mrs. Cam. But don't teaze yourfelf, perhaps
without a caufe. Mr. Napkin, pray walk up.
(with compofure]
Mrs. Coc. How I tremble !
Mrs. Cam. Coiled your fortitude; you know
we mould always be prepar'd for the worft.
Enter NAPKIN in a travelling drefs, fplaflfd, and
feemingly fatigued.
Nap. My dear, good matter! (weeps)
Mrs. Coc. My hufband! Oh, Lord, fpeak!
pray fpeak.
Nap. Madam, will you have him brought up
to town, or mail he be buried in the country ?
(weeps)
Mrs. Cam. Dead ?
Nap. I wifli Henry the VHIth had levelled
Netley Abbey my fweet matter's thirft of
knowledge fuch a height top of the old fpire
his head giddy feeble limbs- flretching too
far a ftone giving way tho' I caught him by
the heel head foremoft corner of a tomb-
Hone dam Oh ! (weeps)
Mrs. Coc. My fears are true. I faint I die
Pleale to reach that chair.
MRS. CAMOMILE places a chair, MRS. COCKLE-
TOP, with deliberation , bruJJoes it with her hand-
kerchief, feats herfelf, takes out a f melting-bottle,
applies if t and affitfis to Jwoon.
Mrs. Cam. Nay, now, my dear friend, I
thought you were a woman of fenfe. If my jeft
Y Y 3 on
348 MODERN ANTIQUES ;
on death fhou'd caufe one in earneft! {afide)
Pray be comforted.
Mrs. Coc. (recovering] Comforted did you fay?
How is that poflible, my dear Mrs. Camomile,
when I've heard you yourfelf remark that black
don't become me, tho' if I was to drefs like
Almeria, in the Mourning Bride ?
Mrs. Cam. To confefs the truth, I was afraid
to tell you ; but I before knew of this melan-
choly event: and there that foolifh boy, your
nephew Frank, thro* his zealous refpecl for the
memory of his uncle, has (contrary to all cuftom
and decorum) already order'd the whole family
to put on the black clothes that were only
t'other day laid by, when the mourning for your
brother-in-law expired.
tyrs. Coc. Madam, you're very obliging.
Mrs. Cam. I fee this lofs bears hard upon your
mind, therefore it may not be proper fo foon
troubling you with worldly affairs ; but now,
my dear, that you'll have no children of your
own, indeed you fliou'd think of fome eftablifh-
ment for your niece Belinda.
Mrs. Coc. I'll firft eftablifh my hufband's ne-
phew, Frank, merely to mew I prefer my deal-
man's relations to my own.
Mrs. Cam. This will anfwer the fame purpofe,
as Frank marries Belinda, (afide] Well, mail
I tell the lad your good intentions towards
him ?
Mrs. Coc. You're very kind, I'll tell him
myfelf; but I'll (irfl confult you, my good
friend, on the thoughts I have had in my mind
Jiow to make him happv ; but, in my interview
with .the boy, I wou'dn't have any body elfe
by. The hour of forrow's facred j it's a cruel
worldj
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 34 j
world, and people luxurious aud fenfual, gay
and fortunate, have little feeling for the dit.
trefles of a difconfolate widow.
Mrs. Cam. My dear creature, endeavour to
keep up your fpirits.
Mrs. Coc. Ah, friend! what mould a poor
woman do that has loft fo good a hulband, but
try to to get a better ? (afide) {Exeunt.
SCENE II.
COCKLETOP'S Houfe.
finter FRANK elevated with wine, and BELINDA in
mourning.
Frank. Ha, ha, ha ! this is the moft whimfical
thought of your friend, Mrs. Camomile!
Bel. Isn't it charming ?
Frank. Your aunt, and, indeed, the whole
family, except Flounce and Napkin, who are in
the fecret, actually believe that my uncle's dead.
Enter NAN,
This is your natal day, the birth of beauty : I'll
give an entertainment, upon my foul ! Ha, ha !
Mrs. Flounce fays, " Oh, Sir! I can't run' any
bills with the tradespeople ;" but, bills and
credit ! -While we've money my uncle's curi-
ofity guineas ftiali fly. Ha, ha, ha ! Illuminate
the rooms brilliant, luftres, girandoles, and
chandeliers.
Nan.
?> -o MODERN ANTIQUES ;
Nan. Yes, Sir, La ! now where's Joey to do
all this ? Mr. John, light the clutters, jerry-doles
and chanticleers, (calls off}
Frank. Prepare the Saloon, Belinda, we will
have a ball.
Nan. Air the Balloon, for mailer's going to
play at ball.
Frank. And lay fupper ; then let Napkin fend
for a pipe and tabor j a dance we mult have.
Tol, lol, lol !
Bel. But indeed now, this extravagance
Frank. An't my kind aunt to give me my
uncle's cafh ? Then, my Belinda, you and I go
to church, and Hymen, in his faffron robe,
fliall lead us to the rofy bow'r. Can I refift ?
you angel ! (kijjes her hand}
Bel. For heaven's fake, Frank, a little decency
before the fervants. How unfeeling mud they
think you.
Frank. I'll fhew you the feeling of fervants for
ftich a matter.
Enter JOHN, THOMAS, and two Maids in mourn-
ing.
Hark'ye, Tom the Coachman, you know your
matter's no more?
Tom. Ay, Sir, death has whipp'd his horfes to
their journey's end, to our great forrow.
Frank. Poor Tom ! I'm told you're fo griev'd,
you've fworn never to touch a drop of punch as
long as you live.
'Tom. Me! I'll be damn'd if I ever fwore any
fuch thing.
Frank. Ha, ha, ha ! A jovial bout the fervants
fliall have we'll celebrate your birth day.
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 351
Bel. But where's your friend the fteward ?
Frank. Right ! Holloa, Hearty ! Oh, true,
I've fent my poor old fellow pacing over
Weftminfter-bridge. Fly, and every one bring
in his hand, fomething towards the good cheer
of the night. [Exeunt fever ally.
SCENE III.
A Saloon illummated.
Enter COCKLETOP in a Storm-cap, Roquelare t &V.
Coc. All my doors open ! this blowy night !
icminds me of the Lifbon earthquake ; but my
ftorm-cap has protected me. Odd my not find-
ing Belinda at Southampton. I wifli I had come
into town over London bridge, that now, is a
fort of young ruin I love to pafs the Tabbard
in Southwark, from whence Chaucer's pilgrims
went to the fhrine of Thomas-a-Becket Then
the monument's growing a pretty rumble-come-
tumble, ha, ha, ha ! But then over Weflmin-
fier bridge, to fee Hearty mounted like a great
equeftrun llatue! And my man Joey holding his
bridle like the Emperor of Morocco's blacka-
moor I'm not forry Napkin left me ; nobody
knows now I have been at rny fweet Belinda's ;
how glad my wife will be, when llie finds I'm
come home, and well, (throws back the ftorm-
cap^ and looks about the roonij Eh ! my dear has
company, this do'nt fpeak much feeling for my
illnefs.
Enter
35* MODERN ANTIQUES;
Enter TOM with a cloth, not perceiving COCKLE TOP*
Tern. While Napkin is uncorking the wine,
I'll fee if I can't fpread a table as well as a ham-
mer-cloth, (takes out a large table and begins to
lay it whiftles) I wonder who drives my old
mafter now in t'other world, does he go up or
down hill ?
Coc. Now, who has put Thomas my coach-
man into mourning As I left you a pied zebra,
why find you a black bear (Jlrikes him with his
cane)
Tom. Gee up ! (fuddenly turning, furprifed and
terrified) [Exit.
Coc. What's this about ?
Enter NAN with fallad, which Jhe places en the
table then picks a bit out)
' Nan. I loves beet-root, (puts it to her mouth)
Coc. Yes, and fo do I. (Jhe looks at him frighten d)
Some of my family muft be dead, that they're
all fo fuddenly got clipp'd. Tell me young wo-
man, for whom are you in mourning? (Nan
Jhakes her heady puts her apron to her eyes and
Exit.)
I hav'nt miftook my houfe, fare I believe I'm at
next door.
Enter NAPKIN, FLOUNCE, and two maidfervants
in mourning.
, Nap. Ha, ha, ha \ Flounce, if you had feen
how capitally doleful I play'd my part.
Flounce.
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 353
Flounce. None of your dolefuls now. Mailer
away, Miflrefs fafe at Mrs. Camomile's ; the .
houi'e to ourfelves, and the young pair, ii.ice Mr.
Frank will treat us to a little hop.
Nap. Ay, Flounce, for mufic you know I'm
no bad fcraper.
Flounce, No, Napkin. Nothing tives fpirit to
a dance as a pipe and tabor, fo fend out and fee
if one can't be hired.
Enter two Maids, and Footman 'with a violin.
Nap. My fiddtej John, thanky. (fakes it) Now
liften, Flounce, for our country dance, only
mind the violin ; why, I'll lilt up Jackey Bull,
fprightly enough to move the dead, ay, even,
to make our eld mailer caper about. (Napkin
plays')
Coc. " Here, Jacky's return'd from Dover."
(joins in the dance, thenfeizes Napkin, the reft run
off Jhrieking) So, my good friend, 1 tyring you into
the country, you leave me fick, fncak away, and
here I find you like Nero at Rome, rafping your
cremona. Explain, what brings you all in black,
if any body's deceafed, why do you celebrate
the funeral rites with feafting and fiddling, and
if nobody's dead, why change my dove-houfe
into a rookery ? (Napkin puts bis handkerchief to
his eyes} Oh then there is fomebody who is it
Eh ! who? tell me Vexation! an't I to know ?
S'blood 1 are people to die in my houfe, and
I the matter, and not be told.
Nap. What, or who mall I fay ? (afide)
Coc. What tun 1 to think of all this ?
,VOL. i. zz Nap;
til MODERN ANTIQUES;
Nip. Why, Sir, from feeing us all in black*
you're to think that
Ccc. What?
Nap. That we're in mourning.
Coc. But for whom ? It can't be my friend
Mr?. Camomile My nephew Frank? Oh Lord !
if it mould be Mifs Belinda No, no ; they
woudn'c fiddle and dance for them. It muft be
for fomebody, for whom ceremony demands the
outward fhews of forrow j but nobody cares
whether they liv'd or died. Now, there is one
beloved perfon that I don't care a farthing for.
(lifule} Yet I left her fo well I fee they're afraid
to ihock me Napkin, is it is it. (Napkin
Jhakes bis head} It is my my wi- wi wife!
[Exit Napkin Jlowly] 'Tis fo ! His filence is a funeral
oration Oh, my dear wife !
Enter JOEY, Jhheringas if cold.
Joey. Oh, oh ! It be a bitter (harp night, my
hands are ftone.
Coc. Are you petrified ? I wi(h you were. I'd
put you on a bracket in my mufeum.
Joey. But, Sir, here we come home, find all
our iarvants in mourning, and when I afks for
whom, they makes their heads, and walk away.
Coc. Joey, it's for your miftrefs.
Joey. My lady dead! Lawk how fudden. I
believe now I ought to cry. (afide, lifts up tie
Jkirt of bis coat, and watches Cockletop. )
Coc. The gentle friend, and companion of my
youth, (weeps}
Joey. Yes, I mou'd cry. (afidc} Oh !
Coc. The belt of wives. [Jorrtwful)
Joey.
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 355
Joey. The kindeft miftrefs. (imitating)
Coc. (recovering.) Yet my fervants rejoicing,
fljews how ill {he was belov'd.
Joey. Yes, Sir, I faid to myfelf when I com'd
Joey, faid I, you have got a good mafter, but a
bad miftrefs.
Coc. Stay, now I'm releafed from her extrava-
vagant vagaries Why, fhe'd give as much for a
little toilet patch box, ay, as would ptirchafe
the black letter palace of pleafure, her week's
hair dreffing would buy me Co!ly Gibber's Fop-
pington wig Then her temper.
Joey. She was a vvixen devil.
Coc. Yet fuch a pretty face.
Joey. She was an angel for beauty, that's the
truth on't Oh ! (cries)
Coc. Yet me was getting in years.
Joey, Old enough to be my grandmother.
Coc. With her lace-caps, and her fripperies;
her private plays, her Denouement, and
Cataftrophe.
Joey. If I didn't fufpect me play'd in private
with that Mr. Denemong behind the tapeftry.
Coc. I've no right to be fo fad.
Joey. Yes, Sir, we mun be glad Ha, ha, ha !
Ke, he, he!
Coc. The funeral over, I'll do what I've long
wilh'd Convert her drefling-room into my mu-
feum.
Joey. Her drefling-room would make me a
fnug bed-chamber.
Coc. What?
Joey. I fay, Sir, 'twou'd make you a nice bed-
room.
Coc. No, a choice repofitory for my antiquities.
Joey. Yes, Sir j but indeed they have now got
z z 2 'old
356 MODERN ANTIQUES j
old and rufly, youfhould befpeak an entire new
fett.
Cot. The room has an Eaft afpect ; the win-
dows face Athens, tho difgraced now by Cock-
fpur perfumery, and Fleet-ftreet Japanery I'll
remove her things out of it.
Joey. Certainly, Sir ; kick them down flairs
an't you man of the houfe ?
Coc. I am. You're but a boy ; but I fee you've
fpirit, follow me to her dreffing-room.
Joey. Yes, fir, Hem ! [Exeunt.
Enter Mrs. COCKLETOP and NAN, in mourning.
Mrs. Coc. Every room, every article of furniture
only reminds me of my dear man My beloved
Frank's ill timed mirth does not correfpond with
his hafte in getting every body into mourning ;
but indeed, my poor hufband was never an
Uncle to him.
Nan. Oh, Ma'm, you look fo well in your
weeds.
Mrs. Coc. Do I ?
Nan. Why, your Ladyfhip's arm from the
black fleeve looks like the white leg of a fine
fowl.
Mrs. Coc. Tho' I revere the memory of my late
hufband, yet his ridiculous paffion for fhell? 3
fofsils and antique nonfenle was got to fuch an
intollerable height, I was determined that on the
firft opportunity I'd fling his rubbifh out of the
houfe, and now I'll do it it's a good large room,
and I think taftily fitted, 'twill make me a moil-
beautiful little Theatre, the thought channs
but, alas ! my charrrer is no more! -I'll inftantiy
go up, and throw all his old Coppers and Croco-
diles
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 357
diles out cf the window -his Mufeum, Cas he calls
it) is a moft horrid place -, but I will have it
clear'd out. Come.
Nan. Yes, an't pleafe you Ma'am. [Exeunf.
Enter JOEYJ with Band Boxes, Toilet Furniture, sV,
Joey. Ho, ho, ho! Now if our Miftrefs coul'd
but pop her head out of her coffin and fee what
a fine rummage we have made among her
fal de rals trinketies, and gingiebobs (Takes a
fmall Phial out of a dr effing box and reads label)
" C--o- s cos M e t met i- c ic Lotion
" for the face". (Taftes it} Peace ! Eh ! this is a
good notion for the ftomach choice Cordial-
the very thing that I wanted this cold night to
warm my gay little heart, (puts if into his pocket]
My miilrefs was fond of filken geer, I wonder now
how fhe's contented with a ihroud they fay
what people fet their hearts upon in this world
runs fo much in their heads, that, even in to'ther,
they can't reft if fuch things (hou'd be difturb'd.
Meafter fays he'll give thefe to the flames, I'll
alk him to give them to my flame, pretty Nan.
If ihe gets this here cap upon her pate, and our
lady miftrefs was to come ftalking in with a
candle in her dead hand
Re-enter Mrs. COCLETOP, ivitb a candle.
And then fays Nan, with a trembling voice-
" Who's there." (Not -perceiving her]
Mrs. Ccc. Don't be afraid, Joey, it's only me.
Joey. Marcy on us ! (trembling}
Mrs. Coc. Heavens ! who has pull'd my things
gbout in this way. {feeing them)
35* MODERN ANTIQUES ;
Joey. Now the Devil was in our Mailer that he
could not let'n bide (afide) I thought we fhould
have her up.
Mrs. Coc. Who did it ?
Joey. Will it quiet your poor foul ? (folemnly
and frightened)
Mrs. Coc. Bid Nan make hafte down to me.
Joey. Then (he's, (points down} Ah, thofe ladies
Jead luch rory tory lives, (afide)
Mrs. Coc. Nan ! (calling)
Joey. Don't hurt Nan, I'll go for the parfon.
[Exit terrified.
Mrs. Coc. Parfon ! then my intentions to marry
Frank are already known among the fervants.
Enter NAN O with 'various Antiquities, ivbicb Jhe
lays on the table.
Nan. Here, ma'am I've got a rare bundle of
Antiqui-quackities Lord Lord Ma'am, what
could bewitch our matter to heap up fuch a
ftock of lumber ?
Mrs. Coc. Rubbifh indeed ! A neft of moths
and fpiders Ah 1 let them be all thrown out ;
but I'll fee how Flounce dare to let my room be
ranfack'd in this manner. [Exit in a pfijjlon.
Nan. The fkin of fome foreign bead I fup-
pofe Something rich here- (looks in a box)
Nothing but filthy old rags, he, he, he ! If our
dead meafter's picture don't fcem as if ic was
looking down directly at me. (Looking at a
portrait over the chimney) Tho' grand, this is a
very difmal room.
Enter
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS. 359
Enter COCKLETOP.
CDC. Belinda here in. the boufe ! Iv'e told
Hearty to inform her of my intentions to marry
her, and I'll compliment mv deceafed wife with a
Cedar Coffin. Now mull I promote her drefllng
room to the honor of being the Treafury of my
Antiques, I with Hearty wou'd come to help me
to remove my precious Hh ! they are removed.
(Seeing them}
Nan. How Mailer's mind when he was alive
did run upon thefe fhabby Gimcracks. Oh ! he
cou'd not have priz'd it fo much for nothing
No, no, he had fomething good. Your odd old
people are fond of hiding money in holes and
corners; lud 1 if here isn't (rattling a Jmall box)
Ay, don't you look down fo Iharp at me, for I will
have a peep thou I get a dead mar.'s 'pinch.
(As jbes opening the box Cock let op finches her ear $
Jke turns, fees Cockle f of t Jhrieks and runs of)
Ccc. A moft facriligious petticoat thief !
[Exit after her.
SCENE IV ; and lajl.
Mother Apartment, a Tails covered with a Green
Cloth.
Enter JOEY, with a Candle, (terrified)
Joey. I've left the paribr* in the room (Jiarts
frightened} who's here ? But he infills it be a- Id
m after that's dead, the good gentleman that juft
now with me for madam's death cried fo fine,
all
360 MODERN ANTIQUES ;
all alive and merry j but this ftupid minifter won'd
believe it, fo, if he meets her there, and her
fpirit's ftill dilturb'd abouc her rumplified caps,
fhe'll claw him for certain. I know nought where
matter's got, and the farvants feem all run td
hide can't find Nan, I wou'd we were both
fafe again in the country. Well, I've fav'd this
drop of cordial. Who's you ? Heaven defend
us ! Oh, (he is come again ! I have no hope
now but my bottle and this table. (Puts out the
light, gets behind, and then under tbe table.)
Enter MRS. COCKLETOP.
Mrs. Coc. Frank! this is the room I defired
Mrs. Camomile to bid him meet me in, and here
he comes this way Frank, (calling of in a lo\sj
voice) I'm glad there's no light tho', to difcover
my bluihes, at the open declaration I muft mak
him.
Enter COCKLETOP.
Coc. As dark as an Egyptian Catacomb Be-
linda venturing to town muft be on the report
of her aunts death, and if Hearty has told her
I'll fpeak to her, here-
Mrs. Coc. Are you there ? (in an under tone)
Coc. Yes, 'tis ihe, I wifli we had a light, where
are you ? (in a IQW voice)
Mrs. CM. Eh 1 When I bury Mr. Cockletop
CDC. Bury me ! (afide) No my dear it's for you
I'm to make a mummy uf Mrs. Cockletop
Mrs. Coc.
OR, THE MERRY MOURNERS; 361
Mrs. Coc. Make mummy of me ! is it Frank ?
Coc. No, my love, I'm your own Cofey
Cockletop.
Mrs. Coc. Angels and minifters ! it's the ghoft
of my hufband come to upbraid me. Oh, much
wrong'd fpoufe !
Coc. Spoufe ! it's the fpirit of my wife Oh,
Lord ! oh, great injured goblin ! (/ hey fall on
their knees oppofite fides)
Joey. (From under the table) Here's the parfon
ftriving to lay my miftrefs, but fhe'll furely tear
his head off. Eh ! why ! it's my poor dear
mafler! Help! Murder!
Enter MRS. CAMOMILE, BELINDA, FRANK, and
HEARTY.
Mrs. Cam. Eh ! what's the matter here ?
Joey. My Lady's ghoft tearing auld Mafter to
pieces, (rifmg haftily, overfets the table and runs
off)
Mrs Coc. Mr. Cockletop alive !
Coc. My wife not dead !
Frank. Uncle, you promifed that when proved
to be deceived in antiquities, Belinda fhould be
mine, (/peaks in his feigned voice) Now, Zur,
befides the fifty pounds, give her to poor Taun-
ton Dean.
Ccc. Was't you ? Take her. I was a wife
man, till my brain got love coddled ; fo, my
dear, let's forgive Frank and Belinda, and for-
get our own follies.
Hearty. Ay, Sir, and transfer our paffion
for ancient virtu, to the encouragement of mo-
dern genius. Had not Rome a.id Athens che-
rifti'd the arts of their times, they'd have left no
antiquities now for us to admire.
VOL. i. 3 A Bel.
3 6z MODERN ANTIQUES, &c.
Bel. Why rake for Gems the afhes of the
dead,
And fee the living Artift pine for bread.
Frank. Give,
While you live :
Heirs who find cafh in corners,
Will at your funeral make right Mer-
ry Mourners.
THE END.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL,
IN TV/0 ACTS.
PERFORMED AT THE
THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN,
IN 1793.
THE MUSIC BY MR, SHIILB.
D E D I C A T I N.
To Her Moft Excellent Maiejty the QUEEN.
AS a fmall tribute of congratulation
on the patriotic ardour difplayed by her
Majefty's Illuftrious Son, His Royal
Highnefs Frederick Duke of York, the
early and brilliant example he has fet
to the Britifh Troops of Military (kill,
bravery and Humanity, evincing that
he will prove the Defender of his
Country ;
This Opera is with all poflible humility
laid at her feet, by her Majefty's faithful
fervant, and
Dutiful Subject,
The AUTHOR.
Brompton,
April the 6th 1793.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
Captain Cruiser, Mr. POWELL,"
Major Tadic, Mr. DAVIS.
Lenox, Mr. JOHNSTON*.
Sinclair, Mr. INCLEDON,
Georg Streamer, Mrs, MARTYR.
Corporal Squib, Mr. DARLEY.
Nipperkin, .'. Mr. MUMDEW.
Mary, Mrs. CLENDININ*,
SCENE, London and Greenwich*
SPRIGS OF LAUREL,
A C T . /.
SCENE I.
A Chamber at an Inn.
Enter CAPTAIN CRUIZER, and NIPPERKIN.
CAPTAIN.-
JLEAVE my infant in a bafket at a gentleman's
door, you villain ! when 1 ordered that your
wife mou'd bring it up with care and tender-
nefs.
Nip. Why, Sir, when my wife faid it was my
infant, and wou'dn't take charge of it what was
a poor honeft peace-loving hufband to do ?
Capt. Well ; come, your intelligence ?
Nip. The babe was taken in, and chriften'd
Tommy Jones the gentleman of the houfe in-
tended to do well by it ; but being given to play,
died iniolventj his family went to ruin, and
poor
3 68 SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
poor Tommy to the parifh the lazy overfeers
farm'd the workhoufe to the village butcher,
who, to feed his calves, ftarved the children
here, like a young negro, he got hard work,
many blows, and no learning.
Capt. And from this mifery, a cnaritable
tradefman took him 'prentice.
Nip. Yes, Sir ; ferved out his time with ho-
nor ; but his fpirit too noble for a mechanic, he
lifted, and is this moment a gentleman common
foldier in the foot-guards.
Capt. But how to find him out ?
Nip. In my fearch I got acquainted with two
honeft foldier lads Ned Lenox and Jack Sin-
clair, and they're to bring me among th'e reft-
the ferjeant- major Tactic, that has got the pret-
ty daughter, may know. I'll run a hum upon
him. (afide)
Capt. Nipperkin, you were my fervant twen-
ty years back ; but fince that, you've been fuch
a variety of rafcal, there's no trufting you now.
Nip. I want no trull give me a ready gui-
nea.
Capt. To get drunk and neglect this bufinefs !
-no, difcover my poor loll fon, and you fhall
have a hundred, to fettle you in a farm, Uriah,
John! (calls)
Enter a Servant izith cam, hat andfasrd.
I muft get off to Greenwich, ready to receive the
Duke, (going)
Nip. But, Sir, I intend this evening vifiting
my old father at Chelfca A little comfort for
the honeft foul. (holds out his hand}
Qapt. Chelfea, oh, your father's a penfioner !
well.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 369
Well, there, (gives money) But ufe every endea-
vour to find the boy, mind. [Exit.
Nip. You fliall fettle on me one hundred a
year or find the boy yovirfelf. Lucky, that ftill
keeping an eye to the lad's progrefs through
life, I've this pull upon my old mafter Till he
bids more I'll not bring father and fon together
now got loofe from my wife, I'll make a good
ufe of my time -fince I'm come to London, I'll
drink like a foul, and divert myfelf with the
girls j if not, I'd be a man in a thoufand i
AIR; Nifferkin.
Shew me a Lawyer refufmg a good fee,
Or pious Dean not thinking of a Bifliop's fee,
A Doctor who won't fqueeze fick Ladies by the hand,
'Potticary whom his fcrawl can well underftand,
Dancing-mafter objeft to dancing off with Mifs,
A Methodiit Preacher not in a corner kifs.
Young Enfign not proud of his flamy larg-e cockade,
Or true Britifli Tar, who of Dutchman is afraid-
Parliament Eleftor, who never fold his vote,
Parliament Orator, who will not turn his coat,
And that is a man of a thoufand.
II.
Shew me a Right Honorable keeping to his word,
Or a poor poet patroniz'd by a Lord,
An impudent Sharper cloathed ail in rags,
Or modeft Genius counting o'er his money-bags,
A Church- ward en who fcorns to feaft upon the poor,
Fat Alderman who cannot calipam endure,
A Groom too honeft to rob horfes of their corn,
Wife Cuckold who blufhes to wear a gilded horn,
Sportfman mind galloping over wheat or ftubble,
Or Secretary of State take nothing for his trouble,
And that is a man in a thoufand.
[Exit.
VOL. i. 3 B SQENE
3?o SPRIGS OF LAUREL,
SCENE II.
The Green Park.
Enter SINCLAIR.
Sin. rieafant enough, on our march from
\Vindfor, Lenox flipping a note into my hand,
the inftant I gave him one ; but what fays his.
(reads) " Dear Sinclair, as foon as off guard,
" walk into the park, I want to fpeak with you
" on particular bufinefs." Almoft the very
words of mine to him ; he's my friend ; I'll afk
his advice before I determine to marry Marry.
Determine ! oh, my heart !
AIR .Sinclair.
When night, and left Upon my guard,
Nor whifp'ring breeze, nor leaf is heard.
And ftars between clofe branches peep,
And birds are}hum'd in downy fleep,
My foul to foftefl thoughts refign'd,
And lovely Mary, fills my mind.
At every noife, for bluff " Who's there !"
I gently figh, " is't thou, my fair?
Thy dying foldier hafte and fee,
Oh come, fweet Mary, come to me%"
As on my port, thro' blaze of day,
The wretched, happy, fad and gay
In quick fucceffion move along,
I fee, nor hear the paffing throng ;
My foul fo wrapt in Mary's charms,
1 hug my mufket in my arms.
' So, all of paffion, joy and grief,
When comrades bring the glad relief,
I cry thy foldier, hafte and fee,
Oh come, fweet Mary, come to me I
Znttr
SPRIGS OF LAUREL, 37 f
Enter LENOX.
Len. (reading a note) IC I've a great deal to fay
to you" and I've a great deal to fay to him
Oh ! he's here Well, Sinclair, what's this affair ?
Sin. Nay, what's your's with me.
Len. Come, you tell firft.
Sin. No, no -, you, let's hear.
Len. Not a word from me till you
Sin. I'm determin'd that you fiiall come I'll
pot fpeak
Len. Now I beg you'll
Both. Then you muft'know, ha, ha, ha !
Len. Why, we're like people in the ftreet
giving each other the way ; but here I flop, and
now you pafs on.
Sin. Then, Ned, "of all the girls in our town,"
to me there's none like Mary Tactic. .
Len. Why, I think file's a mod charming
pretty foul.
Sin. Ay, and I love her.
Len. I know / love her.
Sin. Oh, you muft miftake j it's I that adore
her.
Len. Upon my word you're wrong ; for I'm
the man that wou'd die for her.
Sin. That's as much as to fay you'd fight for
her.
Len. Any man but you.
Sin. Why, Lenox, I fhou'dn't like to fight
you.
Len. But any other, I didn't mind how great.
Aye, even the corporal.
Sin. Any fellow that dar'd to think of Mary.
Len,. Do you call me fellow, Jack ?
3 B z
37* SPRIGS OF LAUREL,
Sin. Yes, you're a good fellow.
Len. Was it to tell me that you loved Mary
Ta&ic, that you defired me to meet you ?
Sin. Was your only bufinefs but to let me
know you lov'd her ?
Both. It was.
DUET. Sinclair and Lenox.
Len, I like each girl that I come near,
Tho' none I love but Mary ;
Oh, fhe's my darling, only dear
Bewitching little fairy.
I aflc a kifs, and me looks down,
Her cheeks are fpread with blumes,
By Jove, fays I, I'll take the town,
Me back me gently pumes
I like each girl, 9,
$in. When off 'twas blown, and 'twas my place
To fly for Mary's bonnet,
So charming look'd her lovely face,
There I flood gazing on it.
Drefs'd all in white me tripp'd from home,
And fet my blood a thrilling,
Q, zounds ! fays I, the French are come,
Sweet Mary look'd fo killing.
I like each girl, &c
ten. When to our Colonel at review
A Dutchefs cried, fo airy !
" How does your Royal Highnefs do?"
Says I, " 1 thank you, Mary."
$in. TO quick time, marching t'other day,
Our fifes play'd Andrew Gary,
To every girl I gave the way,
In compliment to Mary.
I like each girl, &c<
Sin. I've a greater regard for you than for all
the men in our regiment put together.
ten*
SPRIGS OF LAUREL, jy,
ten, I always thought you my friend, and
I'm certain I'm your's Let us leave it to
Mary's own choice.
Sin. Why, true ; it's a pity to teize a young
woman that can never love one.
Len. And it's foolifli and ill-natured to ftand
in the way of another man's happinefs, when we
can't forward our own by it.
Sin. Here flie comes j let's, afk her in down-
right Englifh.
&n. Done. [They retire*
Enter MARY.
AIR. Mary.
Oh, come away,
Come, my foldier bonny ;
I am fmart and gay,
But for handfome Johnny.
Enfign pretty doll,
Crimfon fam fo wrapt in ;
Minces, " charming Poll,
ft Can you love a Captain ?"
Oh, come away, Sec,
To his fine marque,
At the camp, laft fummer,
He fent for me to tea,
By the little drummer.
Oh, come away, &c.
As I crofs parade,
Officers ftand blinking ;
Under each cockade,
{Sly, an eye cocks winking.
Oh, come away, &Q,
Johnny fteps in time,
Sweetly plays the hautboy ;
Hearts all merry chime,
and beat the foe, boy.
Oh, come away, &c
Oh,
374 SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
Oh, Sinclair, did you fee my father ? Is that
Lenox ?
Len. (apart to Sinclair) A Ik her.
Sin. No, do you ? (apart)
Len. Mary, you know very well, that I think
you a moft charming girl.
Mary. Well, that's no fault of mine:
Len. No, its no fault for to befure you can't
help being the fweeteft foul you're fure Mary,
J love you ; but here's Jack Sinclair fays he does.
Mary. Oh yes ; he told me fo.
Len. Well ; but didn't I tell you I lov'd you ?
Mary. Well, and if you do, you can't help
that, you know.
Len. We don't want to quarrel,, becaufe that
woudn't be friendly.
Sin. No ; twoudn't be like brother foldiers ;
fo yourfelf confefs which of us you love.
Len. Ay, do, Mary, your word (hall decide it.
Mary. Which of you I love ! Upon my ho-
nour that's very vain of you both a pretty
decent fort of a confeflion too for a girl to make ;
but certainly was I to marry, I muft chufe only
one.
Len. Ah, but, Mary, wou'd you chufe one of us ?
Mary. Indeed I wou'd. ,
Len. Sweet girl, but which ?
Sin, Ay, which, Mary ?
Mary. Well, I will own it, if you'll both pro-
mife not go fight fword and piftol up in Hyde
Park, as the officers do.
Sin. If you chufe Ned Lenox, may I be
whip'd if I wi(h him the leaft ill-will.
Len. And, my lovely Mary, if you prefer
Jack Sinclair to me, if I ever bear him a grudge
for it, may I be drum'd out of the regiment
SPRIGS OF LAUREL; 375
Mary. Heigho ! it's a fevere tafk, but
AIR. Mary.
When in a garden fweet I walk,
The charming flowers admiring,
Each nods upon its tender ftalk,
And feems my touch defiring,
Tho' all of beauties are poffefs'd,
Too much to be rejefted,
Yet only one, for Mary's breaft,
By fancy is fele$ed.
Full confcious of thy faith and tr*th, (to Lenox)
No wrong to thee intended,
Ah ! mould 1 chufe fome other youth,
( giving her hand to Sinclair)
Be not fond youth, offended. (to Lenox)
The ftarting tear, the heaving figh,
True figns, not difregarded ;
But, by a maid more fair than I.
Oh, be thy love rewarded.
Len. (cordially Jhakes hands with Sinclair) My
dear fellow, I give you joy. (turns and wipes
his eyes)
Sin. Was it any thing elfe but Mary, I cou'd
poor Lenox !
Enter NIPPER KIN, fmging.
Nip. Ah, boys! Jack Sinclair, Ned Lenox,
come from duty at Windfor ? Rare changes
fmce you were laft on the parade !
(Drum without. )
Len. The roll-cal}. (looking out)
TRIO,
$rf SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
TRIO. Lenox, Sinclair 9 and Mary *
Len. Tap beats the dub upon my aching heart,
Six. Sad ftrikes the found that bids me hence depart ;
Len. Ah! can I from vou Hay ?
Six. One kifs and then away.
Maty. Go to your duty, go.
[Exeiott Sinclair and Lenox,
Mary. Is that to mutter the men ? For what ?
Nip. For what ! Why, to draught out a de-
tachment for Holland.
Mary. And do Sinclair and Lenox go ?
Nip- To be fure, if fo their lot be.
Mary. Oh heavens ! [Exit bo/lily.
Enter Serjeant Mtijor TACTIC.
Tac. (calling off) Mary ! Ay, off to the parade !
I fee my daughter will have a foldier you, Sir,
run after that girl.
Nip. I'm a married man j and mus'nt run after
the girls.
Tac. Whatj then you're married ?
Nip. Yes, Sir, and fo is my wife, a poor wo-
man, Sir I'm not worth quite a plumb, might
have made my fortune by marriage, I have had
my opportunities among the dear creatures. I'll
fee if his majorfhip won't ftand a glafs of (tout
punch (afide ) Sir, I want to go abroad*
Tac. Why?
Nip. Becaufe, I don't want to (lay at home
I've left my wife there.
Tac. Where?
Nip. Why death and ounds ! at Dorking in
Surry.
- Tac. What do you fwear fo, you rafcal !
Nip.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 377
Nip. To mew you I'm fit for a foldier.
Tac. But what are you now ?
Nip. Nothing; tho' I was every thing an
Au&ion-porter, Watchman, Town-crier, Mon-
mouth-ftreet Pluck-em-in, Playhoufe Conftable,
Dog-ftealer High and low Life, Sir, from
Guard of a Stage-coach, to Waiter in a Cyder-
cellar, my days have been a round of " paft ten
o'clock"-^" juft a going" " nobody bid more'*
4C oh yes," " this is to give notice*' " pray walk
in" handfome fuit of clothes, fit you nicely"
" take care of your pockets'' (wbifilii) " here,
boy! poor fellow! Ponto, Ponto" "your pint,
Sir -champaign, cackagay !"
[imitates blowing a horn.']
Tac. So then, friend, you've come off from
your wife to turn foldier ?
Nip. Why, Sir, (he vex'd me into fuch a
paffion, that I muft beat fomebody ; fo I thought
it more honourable to flog the enemies of my
country, than the wife of my bofom.
Tac. But how did me vex you ?
Nip. Sir, I love a drop of ale 't'other day,
we had a mug me puts it to her head ; " my
dear," fays I, " flop, the devil is painted at th r
bottom, and 'twill frighten you if you look on-t
fays fiie " I defy the devil and all his works,'*
and up (he puts it * hold my love," fays I,
* 6 you're a bit of a democrat, and it's his Ma-
jefty that's painted at the bottom" " no," fays
fhe, " I'm a loyal fubjecl:, and I long to fee the
.King's jolly face" So again up went the jug, and
the devil a drop (he left in it tor me.
Tac. Ha, ha, ha! what's your name.
Nip. Nipperkin. Mr. Nippeikm, Sir.
VOL. i, 3 c Tac.
37* SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
fac. Then Mr. Nipperkin we'll fee if we can't
make a foldier of you.
Nip. Oh, Sir, that's as eafy as making an at-
torney a rogue, or make this a ftrong arm, when
its already at hand make a foldier ! hem ! Sir,
you do the exercife capital I fuppofe, he, he, he !
fhew us a bit wheel ! to the right ! flop, Sir,
till I chalk your arm.
Tac. Why do you think I don't know my
right from my left ?
Nip* Do you ? (gravely) huzza! the ferjeant
major, knows his right hand from his left
(capers, halloes and waves his hat.'}
Tac. Why, you dog, are you humming me ?
Nip. Yes, Sir.
DUET. Taffic and Nipperkin.
Tac. March ! before great Juftice Laro.
Nip. Death and ounds ! am I arrefted ?
Tac. Sblood ! don't fear, my little hero,
'Tis only to be attefted.
Nip. Oh t what then I muft take an oath ?
Here goes; I fwear by Jingo,
I'll not turn foldier, till we both
Together tipple ftingo.
Tac. With all my heart,
We'll take a quart.
Nip. Or bowl of punch.
Sotb. That's better.
Kip. But firft a flice
Of ham fo nice,
For I approve a whetter.
Both. For I approve a whetter.
Tac. Vou have but to fail o'er to Holland d'ye fee.
And the French kick back to their nation ;
Theii the Emperor, Stadtholder, Pope, you and me,
Will fit down to a jolly-fication ;
Nip. I'm tir'd of kiffing old Judy, my wife,
I muft have a pair of new lips,
So, when I'm in Holland, upon my life,
I'll be at their fine Dutch tulips.
JM*.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 379
toils. Then we have but to fail, o'er to Holland d'ye fee,
And the French kick back to their nation ;
Then the Emperor, Stadtholder, Pope, you and me,
Will fit down to a jolly-fication.
[Exeuyf.
SCENE III,
The Parade in St. James's Park.
Enter MARY.
Mary. No, I can't fee any one to give me a
true account how they go on.
Enter LENOX, (much agitated.)
Oh, well, Lenox, and how ? ay, tell us.
Len. My unlucky fate ! curfed chance.
Mary. Oh ! then you are one of them that's
drafted to go abroad in alt thefe dangers.
Len. And, Mary, do you think its that, that
could have vex'd me fo ? I fee what a mean opi-
nion you have of me T now don't wonder at
your preferring Jack Sinclair to me you think
I'm a cowardly poltroon.
Mary. No, indeed, Lenox : I know you've a
very good fpirit I didn't mean to difparage you ;
but 1 tremble to think of the dreadful flaughter
thofe poor fellows may be expofed to.
Len. Dreadful ! Isn't it glory ?
3 c 2 AIR.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
AIR. Lenox.
Afpiring thoughts my bread expand,
Ah ! why to me is given a foul,
Proudly impatient of command,
Yet doom'd by fate to bear controul ;
Oft at the haughty ferjeant's will,
' A poor recruit at chilling mcrn,
I've flood for hours the tedious drill,
Sad objeft of his blows and fcorn.
IT.
Nor funk my youthful fpirits then.
Tho* fierce he poiz'd the dread
I thus, when taught to conquer men,
Supprefs'd the feelings of a man ;
And now the harveft's warring pride,
When Englith triumph, Frenchmen yield,
A ufelefs tool I'm thrown afide,
Whilft others reap the glorious field.
"Enter SINCLAIR.
Sin. Oh, my Polly! we muft part.
Mary. How !
Sin. The lot is caft, and I'm call'd away I
inuft leave you.
Mary. And can you ? Oh my love !
Len. What then, 'you go ? you have the up-
per hand of me in every thing. I muft fneak
about here in the park, like a watchman my
marches fiom Story's gate to the ftable yard, and
all my war's with the old women to takeoff their
pattens ; whilft you, led on by your Prince I
fhall go diftracled !
Sin. You've little caufe to envy me reflecl, I
leave Mary, 1 leave her with you too my rival
with
SPRIGS OF LAUREL; 3 8j
with you, that love, that deferve her fo much
better than myfelf.
Enter NIPPERKIN and TACTIC.
Tac. Not 'lift you rafcal ! after fwallowing a
bowl of punch ?
Nip. My dear Sir, don't be in a pafiioo I
Jiave my reafons for both.
Tac. Your reafons, you rafcal
Nip. Death and ounds, Sir, don't fwear but
my reafoii that I wou'dn't turn foldier, is becaufe
I hate fighting ; and I drank up the punch becaufe
I love drinking, that fhews that I'm both a fafe
and a good companion.
lac. You're an arch rafcal, and I don't know
what to make of you ?
Nip. Then I'll tell you what you'd beft do,
Sir.
Vac. What !
Nip. Give me another bowl, Sir, and let me
alone.
Tac. Come, Sinclair, quick you've but little
time to prepare your knapfack.
Mary, (with emotion) Dear father muft he
go?
Tac. To be fure.
Nip. Oh, certainly : he muft go and protect
us all. Egad, I'm like a minifter of ftate ; whilft
I fit at peace at home over my bottle, I fend
other men out to fight that 1 may enjoy it in com-
fort.
Tac. Mary, Sinclair and Lenox are honeft
lads I know they both love you ; but as the
mifery or happinefs of marriage will chiefly affedr.
you, I leave the chhice of a hufband entirely to
yourfelf,
s?2 SPRIGS OF LAUREL:
yourfelf, my girl. If Lenox is the man, love
favours him ; but if Sinclair, what he lofes in
love, he muft make up in honor give him a
kifs, and a few of my beft ruffled (hirts $ drop a
tear, and that affair's fettled.
Sin. Farewell (to Lenox) adieu ! (to Mary.)
Mary. Oh ! my heart will break ! deareft fa-
ther, can't you get him off?
Tac. Child, 1 wifli him too well even to attempt
it.
Lcn. Jack, don't think me a worthlefs fellow,
tho' I am ihov'd afide, and you chofen for the
poft of honor 'tis only blind fortune has done
it ; for had me fix'd on me,
Sin. My love, befides your conftancy, I rely
on the generofity of Lenox ; in my abfence,
don't avoid him i it will be my only comfort to
reflect, that I have in England a faithful fweet-
hearr, and a true friend.
jV//>. Hem; (fags) " My Poll and my Part-
ner Joe." (looks archly and fignificantly at Lenox
and Mary.}
Mary. I don't know who you are ; but you
are a very impudent fellow.
Nip. Dont know who I am and yet know
I'm a very impudent fellow. [Drum without.
Rub-a-dub, boys, hey, for Holland !
DUET. Sinclair and Mary.
Mary. Dear youth, keep this for Mary's fake ;
Sin. Sweet maid this poor remembrance take ;
When rivals tender things fliall fay,
(77jey exchange Tokens')
Oh, look on that and turn away !
Mary. Should rivals win thy 'witching fmile,
Think what thy Mary feels the while.
Sin.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 383
Sin. When bullets whittle in the wind,
My only fear,
My only dear,
Is for my treafure left behind.
Mary. Midft warring fields may angels come,
And o'er thy head
Their pinions fpread,
Then bring my love in fafety home.
Enter Officers, Soldiers, &c. as -prepared for the
March A Variety of other Characters taking
Leave.
GRAND CHORUS.
Our Gracions George, and Charlotte's Son,
'Tis Royal Frederic leads us on.
AIR. #Ww.
Britannia fell a mower of piteous tears
To fee, (alas!) an haplefs Monarch bleed;
The Royal Widow's mournful plaint me hears,
And bids her gen'rous fons revenge the cruel deed.
CHORUS.
To arms, me cries, to fave, is now the word,
And 'tis the hand of Mercy draws the fword.
Our Gracious George, and Charlotte's Son,
'Tis Royal Frederic leads us on.
END OF THE FIRST ACT,
384 SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
ACT II.
SCENE I.
Night. The Park near Buckingham Houfe
LENOX dlfcovered as Centlnel,
LENOX.
JlLVERY circumftance turns out fo contrary to
what might have made my friend Sinclair happy,
and perhaps banifh for a time the thoughts of
Mary from my mind. Since I've no place in
Mary's affections, what's in England worth a
thought? I burn, I'm mad with defire to fol-
low the Duke, To be left ftuck up here
like a lamp-poft, with an ufelefs mufket in my
hand I've a mind to put it to ufe (placing it tc
bis bead) but my life's not my own. For all
Sinclair bid me fee Mary, what now muft he
feel, on the reflection that he's left her behind
with me ? Tho* I fcorn to take advantage of
his abfencc I'll avoid the fight of her.
AIR.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 1*$
AIR. Lenox.
The Lamp of Hope by rays of Light,
From thy dear Cyes was fed Mary ;
Sad hours are come, and fhades of night*
And even hope is fled Mary.
The Sun to all the world but me,
Will give another dawn Mary ;
My orily light kind looks from thee,
For ever they're withdrawn Mary/
I lov'd thee much and for thy fake,
I ne'er will love again Mary ;
If ever yet a heart did break,
Thou'tt rent this heart in t' wain Mary.
In wild defpair I'll fly to fame,
And death for thee defy Mary ;
When I'm no more, thy true love's name,
May draw from thee a figh Mary.
Enter NIPPERKIN, (drunk,) with afniall 'Keg.
Nip. Tol, lol, lol ! Now, if I can get out
thro' this fame Buckingham Gate
Len. Who goes there ?
Nip. Brandy (holding up the keg)
Len. You'd better give ah anfwer.
Nip. To what ?
Len. To me.
Nip. Your queftion ? '
Len. I afk'd who went tfierfe.
Nip. Then you afk'd a very filly queftien,
when you might fee it was a brave boyHuzza!
the town's our own !
Len. Damn your trifling I Give, this inftant,
a proper anfwer, or I'll fire, .(prefenting)
Nip. (drops en bis knees) Hold ! be quiet. Is
that your politenefs? Juft under the very eye of
VOL, r. 30 the
3 86 SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
the Court? Fire! and. wake the maids of honour
fweet creatures ! that may now be dreaming
of the lords in waiting, and white rod, and gold
Hick, and fuch other grand affairs.
Lea. I'm in no jefting humour Quick, fpeak!
Nip. S'blood ! are you deaf ? I'm fpeaking as
quick as I can. Stop ! your firing will be petty
treafon Her Majefty may be at this moment
in a fweet dream, that one of her beloved fons,
her gallant Frederic, is returning crown'd with
Laurels.
Lett. And I no hand in placing them on his
brow ! By heavens I'll not ftay I'll follow the
detachment^ tho' they moot me for a deferter.
Hold ! this fellow may why, it's Nipperkin !
Nip. Didn't I tell you it was a brave boy ; yet
you wou'dn't believe me after getting fo nobly
drunk, to frighten me back into fobriety ! and
fo I've now all to do over again. Why, you
don't mind what trouble you give a poor man.
(knocks with bis knuckles a^ainfl the keg) Are you
within ? Very well I'll be with you, or you
lhall be with me.
Len. Where were you going ?
Nip. To the college. My father is a Chelfea
penfioner j and about once a quarter, like a du-
tiful foh, I bring the honeft gentleman, a little
brandy and tobacco, and fuch other dainties, to
comfort his old foul.
Len. You're right to be kind to your father
Give me your coat.
Nip. "Kind to my father!" Give me your
coat!" That's very odd talk at this time of
night.
6i>RIGS OF LAUREL. 387
Len. You take this Quick! (they change
deaths')
Nip. I fancy I look better in the King's coat
than the King wou'd look in mine.
Len. Give' me your hat.
Nip. Sir, take your's off the block, (feinting to
Lenox's head, and bowing)
Len. (gives him his miijket) There j now ftand
you in my place.
Nip. Did ever I think I fhou'd have a place at
Court ? " Who goes there ?" (prefents at Lenox}
Speak, or dam'me, I'll fire ! Pm in no jetting
humour talk ! or I'll blow your brains over the
canal, thro' the Horfe-Guards, crofs the way to
Whitehall, into the lottery-wheels.
Len. Silence! (aftde) The royal and affec-
ionate parents fend a darling fon to face the pe-
rils of war, to aflert his country's honour ! What
Soldier wou'dn't follow the illuftrious example.
Hulh ! not a word.
[Ex if ivilh caution.
Nip. Now that fellow's gone to commit a
robbery in my coat, and I fh^ll get hang'd
for it : The gate's fliut, and I can't get out to
give my poor father his drop Then I muft give
it to his poor fon. (takes up the keg and drinks)
I'll fmoke a pipe too. (Jits on the keg) Well, he
didn't take my match, and my bottle of phof-
phorus. (takes a, pipe, Jills, lights, fits on tb&
keg and Jmokes) It my wife was here now, I
ihou'dn't have all this fporc to myfelf. (rifes>
takes up Use keg and drinks') My chair produces
good taDle drink.
3 D 2 AIR.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL;
AIR.
A glafs is good, and a lafs is good,
And a pipe to fmoke in cold weather ;
The world is good, and the people are gocdj
And we're al! good fellows together. '
A bottle it is a very good thing,
With a good deal of good wine in it;
A fong is good, when a .body can fing,
And to finifh, we mult begin it,
A table is good, when fpread with good chear^
And good company fitting round it;
When a good way off, we're not very near,
And for forrow the devil confound it.
A glafs is good, &c*
A friend is good, when you're out of good luck
For that's a good time to try him
For a Juftice good, the haunch of a buck,
With fuch a good prefent you buy him.
A fine old woman is good when (he's dead,
A rogue very good for good hanging,
A fool is good, by thenole to be led,
My good fong defervcs a good banging.
A glafs is good, &c
But it's getting cool here, il frefco. I'll ftr p in-
to my parlour, {takes up the keg^ and goes into the
centry-boX) Jits and fails a/leef]
Enter MARY.
Mary. As my dear lover faid, there can't be
the leaft danger in paying fome attention to poor
Lenox \vhilft he's away. He took on fo at my
refuting him, and the lofs of his comrade, that
1 know he hasn't eat a moriel this blellcd day.
He
SPRIGS OF LAUREL: ^
He has a tender and an honeft heart, and fare
no harm for me to try if I can comfort him.
The Park's got fo ftill, he may eat and drink
fome'at, as I'm fare he wo'nc come to me when
he's reliev'd. Lenox ! (goes towards the box^ cal-
ling foftly) Oh, my hew* ns ! if he hasn't fallen
afleep, and here's the corporal coming ! (looking
down the walk) If he's caught fo Lenox!
(calls)
Nip. (Jpeaking in his flee f] Take care of your
pockets.
Mary. Get up.
Nip. Paft four o'clock !
Mary. Sure he's been drinking to drive away
bis forrows. Rife! Here's the guard!
Nip. Pray walk in, Sir I've a pretty coat will
juft fit you.
Enter COR FOR AL, and Guards.
Cor. Eh ! Sleep on your poft ! Holloa !
gentry ! here'll be rare flogging workj take his
arms ! drag him up !
Nip. Fine cloudy morning !
Cor. Ay, dam'me, it will be a fine cloudy
looming with you, peeping through the iron
bars of the Savoy.
Mary. Dear Mr. Corporal
Cor. Is that Mifs Mary Taftic ?
Mary- You know Lenox is a good folditr,
and fhould be excufed if he's a bit over taken,
confider, taking leave of his comrades j you know
he's fo well belov'd, and fuch a temptation then
his fpirits in fuchaflate, a very little liquor might
have intoxicated
390 SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
Nip. (ajleep} That dogfkin will make a pair
of pumps.
Cor. My fldn ! You'll fee what the drummer
will make of your dogfkin.
Mary. Pray, don't inform the commanding
officer.
Cor. Why, Mifs Mary, you know it's not in my
power to fave him, if, as you iay, he's brought to
court- martial for this.
Mary. His Royal Highnefsis good and merci-
ful ; I'm fure he'd confider fo excellent a foldier
as Lenox Now do let the poor fellow come to
his fenfes, and fay nothing of it.
Cor. But then I fhou'd be punifhed my-
felf, Mifs -Muft give him up take him to the
Savoy.
Mary. Unhappy creature! and yet I'm afhamed
of Lenox. However, I'll make my father ufe
all his in.ereft for his pardon. How have I been
deceived in him ! and how fortunate that my
heart wasn't caught by his kind and obliging
manneis. He lov'd me- he is Sinclair's friend,
and therefore has a right to my afMance.
l&tit.
Cor. Why, he wou'd ftand a better chance of
mercy from his Royal Highnefs- his fentence here
might be death. I'll pretend not to know but
he's one of the drafts that has flaid behind;
and to colour it, I'll neither fee nor talk to
him ; but at day-break, a guard fhall take him
to Greenwich time enough before the men
embark.
CATCH.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 39 1
CATCH. CORPORAL, NIPPERKIN, and Soldiers.
Citp. Rare rattling boys, don't let your pris'ner go
I defire,
For fudling fouls, the Savoy ho 1
frfp. I'm Captain Muz. {All} Are you fo ?
Corp. Hark, ye, 'iquire !
I'm Corporal Squib,
i. I'm Fife* Bob,
z. I'm Drummer Dob,
3. I'm Natty Jack,
4. I'm Paddy Whack,
5. I'm Darby Drill
6. I'm Roving Will,
7. I'm Nimble Nick,
8. I'm a Good ftick,
9. I'm Devil Dick. ---Zounds ! what's your name?
Nip. Paft four o'clock ! ---(^//) We'll make you tame !
S'blood and fire !
Corp. Drink, foldiers, drink, and bear no blame.
SCENE II.
Greenwich.
Enter LENOX in NIPPER KIN'S deaths, and Caff.
CRUIZER.
Caff. No fuch thing friend.
Len. Do, dear, good, worthy fir, let me go on
board your tender.
Capt. But for what?
Len. To partake of the glorious expedition of
my comrades.
Caff.
39* SPRIGS OF LAUREL;
Capf. Your comrades ! Ay, what, are you a
foldicr ?
Len. (confufed)^cs, fir no I am >
Capf. If a foldier, and not one of the drafted
men, what brings you to Greenwich ? and if you
belong to the detachment, why out of your regi-
mentals, and not with your corps?
Len. Sir, I am as yet, only in wifh a foldier-
I faid " my comrades," becaufe I'm acquainted
with a number of the men ; and I've conceived
fuch a friendlhip for fome of the honeft fellows,
that I can't turn my head to any bufinefs, with the
giief of being feparated from them only let me
go, and you'll fee how I'll fight.
Cap. But do you know the caufe ?
Len. Humanity. To flop the ravages of war
abroad, fecure the blefiings of peace, commerce,
plenty and happinefs at home to Old England,
where a good King is the common parent- every
man is captain of his caftle, and the laws protect
his property, wife and children. Frenchmen give
Britons freedom! But huzza! we'll pluck
Sprigs of Laurel from their Tree of Liberty.
AIR. Lenox.
The goddefsof mountains, blythe, rofy and free,
As the airs that flew round her, had once a fair tree ;
'Twas Liberty call'd, andafav'rite of Jove,
And fweet was the fruit to the bright queen of Love j
In Albion 'twas planted, its branches fpread wide^
Of her fbns arid her daughters the glory and pride.
Tranquil pleafures,
Softeft meafures, (
Then led the dance, and gave Britons to fing.
Loving, loyal,
Good and royal,
People happy, honour'd their king,
Gu||
SPRIGS OF LAUREL; m
Our fly gallic neighbours peep'd into our grounds,,
And fain would have fcal'd the white wall that furrounds,
They long'd for our tree, when it's beauties were
known,
Butmifling their aim, would have one of their owa ;
For this, in poor France, a vile bramble takes root,
jpach leaf is a poniard, and bitter the fruit.
Pity fleeping,1
Angels weeping,
Saw the favage triumph o'er men ;
Juftice firing,
All infpiring !
Drive the tiger into his den.
Capt. Well, my lad, I muft fay I admire your
Ipirit, and am forry we can't take you ; but'un-
difciplin'd recruits won't do. The nature of the
fervice we're order'd on, requires pick'd men.
Len. There's a boat now going off by hearens
J will get aboard, [Exit hajliiy.
Capt. By heavens you mall not tho' Holloa !
w-Stop that fellow keep him QUL of the boat.
Enter SERJEANT.
Ser. Sir, his Ryal Highnefs's aid-du-camp
wou'd fpeak with you.
Capt. I come. [Exit Serjeant.
Something in this young fellow that ftrikes me ex-
ceedingly (looks out) No the boat's gone
without him, and there he walks melancholy
away; and intimate with the foldiers! Might
perhaps have given me fome clue to difcover my
fon. I begin now to defpair; for if my boy is ftill
in any of thofe regiments, he muft have chang'd
yoi,. i. 3 E Re-enter
39 SPRIGS OF LAUREL,
Re-enter SERJEANT,
Ser. Sir
Caff. Oh, true. [Exeunt t
Enter MAHY,
Mary. The coming fpring begins to make the
country look delightful. The fweeteft feafon ap-
proaching, even the birds join in love i\nd my
love to leave me !
AIR. Mary,
Sing, charming warblers ! voice of love J
The dulcet fong
Now pours along,
For love can harmonize the grove, j
Bid balmy zephyrs gently bear
The liquid notes thro' yielding air.
Re-enter CAPT. CRUJZER.
Caft. Thofe men loiter along the road (looks
OK/)
Mary. Oh* your Honor, I hope his Highnefs
isn't yet gone over tp the (hip !
Capt. Eh ! What, my lafs, do you 3 too, want
to go and pull Sprigs of Laurel ?
Mary. No, -fir: but it's about a young man, a
foldier
Capt. The devil's in the folders for bringing
the women after them. You're a modeft, pretty
looking thing you foolifh jade, what bufmcfs
have you with the young men ? Take your fni-
velling good-bye on ihore no petticoats come
on
SPRIGS OF LAUREL; 39$
on board my (hip. I advife you, child, to mo-
defty and difcretion j for your own forwardnefs
and 'folly contribute as often to the ruin of in-
nocence, as the bafe arts of villainous feduflion.
[*//.
Mary. I believe that gentleman means ',well -,
but he Ihou'd have known who he was talking to
-and even then, fweet and welcome is the gentle
monitor ! for what we liften to with pleafure, we
follow with delight. I may chance to fee my
Sinclair again before he goes I know he'll con-
quer; and when he returns Oh! fuch a gar-
land as I'll make him ! Aye, and he fhall wear
it too.
AIR. -Mary.
Fragrant chaplets quaintly twinin-
Thro' the fingers of the fair ;
Ev'ry grace and fweet combining
For the foldier's brow prepare.
Gift of Venus, blufhing, glowing,
Let the lovely rofe be feen;
And the Laurel, Mars bellowing,
Make the wreath an evergreen.
Oh, if here isn't Sinclair and my father.
Enter MAJOR TACTIC and SINCLAIR.
Tac. Zounds! how often will they halt?-*-
Sinclair ! Why do you run before the rank ?
Sin. Don't you fee my attraction ? Oh ! my
love ! (embraces Mary)
. Tae. Mary ! NoWj girl, what has bewitched
you to follow us ?
3 E 2
3^6 SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
Sin. My lovely, faithful foul ! don't be angry
with her.
AIR. Sinclair.
Parted from thee, my ev'ry blifs,
My only joy, the parting k.i<s;
So fweet ! and yet fo fcant a ftore,
I languilh'd to return for more.
i And art thou come, and doft thou bring
The fource whence thoufand raptures fpring ?
Oh ! let me prefs thofe lips again,
Thus parting, ever thus remain.
Mary. Oh ! I've fomething to tell you about
Lenox---he is (mufic, and Jhouts 'without)
Tac. The men on their march. Get you out
of their way, child- you'll fee us at Greenwich.
(Jbouts without') [Exit Mary.
Enter Officers, Soldiers, &c. accompanied and fol*
lowed by a number of feof/e. All crofs, witb
Jhoutingy drums, and martial mujic.
AZ&.< Sinclair.
Sound trumpets! hard talks to the folder telong,
'Midft dreadful alarms,
The man to deltroy who has done him no wrong.
Thus founding to arms,
Hoarfe echo now brawls to the loud double drum.
With, come to fate come ;
Let juftiee the foldier's bold quarrel ordain,
Tho' dyed all in blood he's yet free from a ftain,
Then the battle not ceafe,
'Tis for glory for peace.
[Exeunt all but Sinclair and Taclic.
Sin,
SPRIGS OF LAUREL; 397
Sin. Oh, fir, I've a dreadful boding of Mary's
bufinefs.
<Tac. Something about Lenox.
Sin. I fee it he's been bafc and treacherous i
and, for all that he feemingly refigned her, no
fooner was my back turned, than he has dared to
renew his addrefles.
<Tac. Plague of your nonfenfical love and jea-
loufy mind your duty run on and fall into your
rank (pujhes him off) with their fweethearts and
friends, and ftuff ! I wifh we had them all fafe
on board fome reafons tho' in Sinclair's fuf-
picions ! I had a good opinion of Lenox but
this violent friendfhip of your young folks, all a
feather give me an old friend.
AIR Major Tactic.
Midft flaunting flirubs in vernal'green;
Each finer than his fellow,
A venerable oak I've feen,
All clad in fober yellow.
Whilft wintry winds could blow around,
Their leaves all helter-fkelter,
Poor birds within his branches found,
An hofpitable Ihelter.
In life's gay fpring too oft' we find,
The buds of foft affedion,
Scarce knit, when blown by ev'ry wind,
In this and that direction.
Oh, come, thou friend, that can'ft endure,
The mocks of rougheft weather,
Frank, chearful, honeft and mature,
We'll live and die together.
SCENE
399 SPRIGS OF LAUREL,
SCENE III.
Before Greenwich Hofpital View of the Thames*
A Tender at anchor, and boats with Soldiers crcjjing
to it.
Enter GEORGE STREAMER, attended by Seamen
with their oars.
Officers and Soldiers, &c.
Stream. Chearly my boys, clear the gangway
there ! here's another boatfull we'll bring you
gentlemen of the red cloth along fide of the
Frenchmen ; I hope 'twill foon be our turn to
take a fpell at that work. We have a Prince too
to lead us on oh dam'me ! how I long to pow-
der their toupees.
AIR George Streamer.
f m here or there a jolly dog,
At land or fea, I'm all a-gog,
To fight or kifs or touch the grog,
For I'm a jovial midfhipman,
A fmart young midfhipman,
A little midmipman,
To fighter kifs or touch the grog,
Oh I'm a jovial midmipman.
My honour's free from ftain or fpeck,
The foremafl-men are at my beck,
With pride I walk the quarter-deck,
For I'm a fmart young midmipman, &c.
I mix the pudding for our mefs,
In uniform then neatly drefs ;
The captain afks, (no need to prefs.)
Come, dine with me, young midlhiprran, &c.
Whea
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 399
When RoyalCtARiNCE comes on board,
By England's Navy, all, ador'd,
From him, I fometimes pafs the word,
Tho' I'm an humble midfhipman,
A fmart young midfhipman,
A little midfhipman,
For Royal Wi L L was once like me,
A merry little midmipnun. ^
[Exeunt ivitbfailors &c. into tbe boat*
Enter MAJOR TACTIC and MARY.
Tac. Lenox in this curfed hobble ? An ugly
job, faith!
Mary. Father, won't you make the Duke for-
give him ?
Tac. I make Dukes forgive People ! what does
the girl take me for ?
Enter SINCLAIR, (greatly agitated.'}
Sin. My beloved Mary, tell me this affair
that brought you? ay, well, as I was gone,
J_enox
Mary. Oh ! he is
Sin. A villain !
Mary. How ?
Tac. Be quiet you wronged him in the love
bufinefs egad, poor Lenox has fomething elfc
now to think of ! Oh, yes, he'll be fhot.
Sin. Who ! Sir ! Mary, what has he done ?
Mary. Is it poffible ! I had no idea that his life
was in danger.
<5V. What's his crime, and where is he now ?
Tac.
400 SPRIGS OF LAUREL;
Tac. He has flept on his guard, and he is
in irons at the Savoy.
Enter CAPT. CRUIZER.
Capt. Bring him along, an obftinatc young
Scoundrel !
'Tac. What's the matter, Sir ?
Cap. A blockhead that I refufed to take on
board, jumps into the river, fwims over to the
fliip; and there he was found hiding behind
a hen-coop. A brave fellow but we fhould
frighten him a little.
Enter LENOX, in cuftcdy ofjoldiers andfaihrs.
So, you wou'dn't take my word for it ; but now
you fhall give an account of yourfelf before his
highnefs.
Sin. Why, it's Lenox ?
Tac. One of the guards, Sir.
Capt. Indeed ! hold him in cuftody! [Exit*
Mary. Ah! Sinclair, doesn't your heart bleed
for your unhappy friend ?
Tac. Why, how the devil did you (hake off
your irons and efcape from the Savoy ?
Len. Major, I never was difgrac'd with irons,
or in a jail.
Tac. Zounds! Mary, what (lory's this you've
been telling us? Oh! I lee it's all a flam, an
excufe for her coming after us to Greenwich,
and taking another parting kifs with your_fweet-
heart.
Mary, (cries.) Indeed, father, I don't know
what you mean j Lenox now, has got other
cloathi
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 40*
cloaths on but I'm fure I faw him taken into
cuftody, by the Corporal Think me fo
artful as to invent (lories only to
compafs my own pleafure !
' Sin. Nay, my love, don't weep your father
cannot fuppofe
Enter CORPORAL:
Corp. Well, Mifs Mary, to oblige yoii, I've
ordered Lenox to be brought before the Duke
himfelf oh ! yonder they bring him.
Tac. Why, corporal, you're drunk too j
here they've brought him already.
Corp. I drunk ! let me tell you, Major, I can
be as fober on my duty, as any man.
Tac. Why, did you pull him from behind the
hen-coop ?
Corp. Hen-coop ! I fay, I found Lenox on his
guard moft damnably difguifed.
Tac. Well, you may find him there, difguis'd.
(points to Lenox. )
Len. You found me drunk ! why, corporal,
what's the matter with you ? .
Corp. (flaring at Lenox.) 'Tis Lenox ! then
who the devil have we got prisoner yonder !
Nipper kin (with cut.)
'" Pali four o'clock!"
Enter NIPPERKIN, (guarded,)
Tac. Why, it's the joking rafcal, that cajol'd
me out of the bowl of punch.
Len. Nipperkin ! Oh 1 I fee how this has
been.
VOL. i, 3 F Nip.
402 SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
Nip. I'll have juftiee they took my keg.
(looks at Lenox.) What, then you have been doing
it ? I thought fo -and taken I defire he mayn't
be hang'd in my coat.
Enter CAPT. CRUIZER.
Nipperkin talks apart to the Soldiers.
Caff, (to Lenox.) Young man, I've laid your
cafe before his Royal Highnefs tho' your quit-
ing your poft was a crime, that demands from
military difcipline, a fevere punifhment, yet in
confideration of your motive, a brilliant exam-
ple of noble ardour for your country's honor, he
not only pardons you, but from your high cha-
racter as an excellent foldier, prefents you with
this purfe.
Nip. A purfe for only fwimming to by the
lord, I once fwam from Chelfea-reach to Batter-
fea-bridge give me
Capt. Nipperkin ! why, who made a foldier
of you ? here, my lad ! (offering the purfe to Le-
ntx.)
Nip. A hen-coop ! to fmuggle myfelf into a
fight Fd hide behind a moufe-trap.
Len. I humbly thank his Highnefs pardon
is the utmoft grace I could hope for ; my friend
(fo Sinclair) you have never difobeyed orders
a more finiflied foldier, on the eve of being mar-
lied too and the Duke's bounty will be applied
to a better purpofe in contributing additional
comforts to an amiable woman, (gives the purfe
to Sinclair.
Nip. They won't let me be generous nobody
will
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 403
will give me purfes to give away to poor fami-
lies.
Len. Sir, if I am only fufFered but to go with
the Duke, fome future event may offer an oc-
cafion, really to fignalize myfelf, and by merit
win a reward, of which I am now totally un-
worthy.
Capt. A liberal minded fellow, faith ! fo, my
lafs, this is your foldier laddie!
Mary. Oh, no, Sir, I grant he deferves ay,
the mod beautiful lady but here's my humble
choice.
Sin. Humble, indeed ! yet I have reafon to be
proud with the friendfhip of Lenox, and the
love of Mary.
Nip. Captain, lend me a guinea, and I'll tell
you a fecret.
Capt. You drunken fcoundrel, I'll break your
head.
Nip. {Afide) This boy's generofity has fo
wrought u p. -n my heart, that 1 can't bear
he flu uKt longer remain in obfcure wretchednefs
hearky (to Lenox.) down on your knees to
the codgei . (points to the Captain,}
Len. What c j o you mean ?
Nip. Oh ! what is this world come to! I bid a
fon afk his fathers blefling, and he fays holloa !
death and ouns, what do you mean ?
Capt. Son ! this
Len. How !
Nip. I tell you, that's the boy in the baket,
the child of chaiity, the prentice to Mr. Dai-
rumple, the fiddle cafe maker ; the private fol-
dier, that for glory prefers a French bullet to an
Englifh plumb-pudding.
Len.
404- SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
Len. Sir, my birth has been a myfler;' and
is it thus explained?
Capt. It muft be the deferted fon
Nip. Of an abandoned father.
Capt. Nipperkin, you're now privileged
The fervice you've rendered me by this difco-
very my boy a brave foldier ! mull make a
good officer.
Len. Sir, my higheft ambition is now to join
in glorious enterprize as a private, for if I am to
be honoured with promotion I'll firft, with
heart and hand, endeavour to deferve it.
Enter GEORGE STREAMER, Officers^ Sailor s t Sol-
diers, and a variety of other Characters.
FINALE.
Sinclair.
* Till to your cliff's we turn our face,
Old England be a merry place ;
To pipe and fiddle, jig a-pace,
Whilft we take hence our drumming ;
But when we finifh the campaign,
With wooden leg, or golden chain,
We'll march, or hop to you again,
You, fing, our boys are coming.
CHORUS.
Till to your cliffs, &c.
Mary,
Ye warriors, from my foldier fly,
The lightnings flafh his beaming eye ;
Beneath his conqu'ring fword ye die,
Jf to the fight ye dare him.
SPRIGS OF LAUREL. 403
When you my love to battle go [To Sinclair*
Your foot upon the vanquifhed foe,
Your arm raifed high, to give the blow,
For his love fweetheart, fpare him.
Till to your cliffs, &c.
Nipperkin.
I'm given much to knock and kil],
This war was made againft my will ;
Some like to fight, but I'll fit ftill,
And talk in Coffee Jioufes :
Yet if I took it in my head,
By cutting throats to get my bread,
In moft newfpapers might be read,
My mighty kicks and douces.
Till to your cliffs, &c.
Lenox.
But grateful hearts we hence muft bear,
For all thofe noble Britifh Fair,
Who take into their gen'rous care,
Dear pledges left behind us.
You to protect, the pow'rful charm,
That fires the foul and nerves the arm,
Whilft patriot zeal our bofoms warm,
Such duties ever bind us,
Till to your cliffs, &.
Major Tactic.
We go brave lads at honour's call,
To check the proud, the ruthlefs Gaul,
Let Britain's thunder now appall,
And bid him think on Creffy.
George Streamer.
I'll weigh for Holland, with a cheer,
And when I've help'd my frie"nd Mynheer,
I'll round for bonny Plymouth fleer,
And kiis Foil, Sail, and Betty.
Till to your cliffs, &c.
'iff,
406 SPRIGS OF LAUREL.
ijl. Enfign.
Ye Wolfs and Elliots all repair,
Great Britain's flandard, lo ! I bear ;
My colours flapping in the air,
His Majefty was donor.
id. Enjtgn.
And, ladies, do not think I jeft,
My courage when put to the teft,
For your dear fakes I'll fight my beft,
I will, upon my honor.
CHORUS.
Till to your cliffs we turn our face,
Old England be a merry place ;
To pipe and fiddle, jig a-pace,
Whillt we take hence our drumming.
P I N I S.
END OF THE FIRST VOLUME.
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