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 (TlTcf-Jolomon 
 
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 B Y H E LCN-ROWLANO
 
 807.73 Rowland, H. 
 R796s Sayings of Mrs 
 
 /Solomon 
 ~ 7 ^
 
 VVAL 

 
 THE SAYINGS OF 
 
 MRS. SOLOMON 
 
 EAiizl BEING THE CONFESSIONS OF THE T 
 
 <M*~ SEVEN HUNDREDTH WIFE AS REVEALED TO 
 
 HELEN ROWLAND 
 
 AUTHOR OF "THE WIDOW' 
 "REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR 
 GIRL," ETC. : : : : : j i i : :
 
 T, 1913, BY DODGE 
 COMPANY; NEW YORK 
 
 C O P Y R I G H 
 
 PUBLI S H I N G
 
 SIRENS 
 
 ADMONITIONS 
 
 SONGS
 
 AND VERILY, A WOMAN 
 
 NEED KNOW BUT ONE 
 
 MAN WELL, IN ORDER 
 
 I TO UNDERSTAND ALL 
 
 MEN; WHEREAS A MAN 
 
 MAY KNOW ALL WOMEN 
 
 AND UNDERSTAND NOT 
 
 'HEM
 
 
 
 E 
 
 N 
 
 HEARKEN, my Daughter, and give ear unto 
 my wisdom, that thou mayest understand 
 man his goings and his comings, his stay- 
 ings out and his return in the morning, his words of 
 honey and his ways of guile. 
 
 Beloved, question me not, whence I have learned of 
 man, his secrets. Have I not known one man well? 
 And verily, a woman need know but one man, in 
 order to understand all men ; whereas a man may 
 know all women and understand not one of them. 
 
 For men are of but one pattern, whereof thou need- 
 est but to discover the secret combination; but 
 women are as the YaU lock no two of them are 
 alike. 
 
 Lo! What a paradox is man- 
 worketh backward ! 
 
 iven a puzzle which 
 
 He mistaketh a sweet scent for a sweet disposition, 
 and a subtile sachet for a subtile mind. 
 
 A 112 
 
 I Orchestr* 
 
 He voweth, "I admire a discreet woman!" and in 
 viteth the froward blonde of the chorus to supper. 
 ["I
 
 C A 
 3 * 
 
 
 
 E 
 
 N 
 
 He muttereth unto his wife, "Lo ! I will go unto the 
 corner for a cigar" and behold, he wandereth unto 
 many corners and returneth by a circular route. 
 
 He kisseth the woman whom he loveth not, and 
 avoideth her whom he loveth, lest his heart become 
 entangled. Yea, he seeketh always the wrong 
 woman that he may forget his heart's desire. 
 
 Yet, whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it all the 
 days of his life. 
 
 SELAH. 
 
 I A 112 
 
 ..---- --,, , 
 

 
 iMfl 
 
 fAllFI 
 
 Orchrstn. 
 
 FOR A LONE 
 WOMAN IN A 
 GREAT REST- 
 AURANT LOOK- 
 ETH PITIFUL; 
 BUT AN HUS- 
 BAND LOOK- 
 ETH LIKE A 
 
 I A 112
 
 iwar 
 
 BOOK 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 
 O F 
 
 HUSBANDS 
 
 V 
 
 ERILY, my Daughter, an husband is a Good 
 Thing. He giveth the house a "finished" 
 look, even as a rubber plant and a door-plate. 
 
 He suggesteth ready-money, and is an adornment \ 
 like unto a potted palm upon the piazza. 
 
 When he sitteth beside thee in the tabernacle, he is 
 as a certificate of respectability; yea in the eyes of 
 society, he is better than a written recommendation. 
 
 Verily, he is as necessary unto thy dinner table as 
 a centerpiece, and more impressive than cut flowers 
 and a butler in livery. 
 
 When he taketh thee abroad to dine, the waiter shall 
 not lead thee into dim and draughty corners, but 
 shall run nimbly and place thee in a choice spot 
 within hearing of the music. 
 
 For a lone woman in a great restaurant looketh piti- 
 ful ; but an husband looketh like a real tip. 
 
 When thou goest unto an hotel in his company, the 
 clerk shall not offer thee a room upon the air-shaft ; 
 and the bell-boys shall answer thy ring with flying 
 [15] 
 
 A 112 
 
 . MHM^ta-* 
 
 OrcHefti*
 
 j A 112 
 
 OrcKt- itrc | 
 
 For what profiteth it a woman, though she have 
 every other luxury in all the world, and have not a 
 Mle husband in her home? 
 
 OrctwBtr* 
 
 BOOK OF HUSBANDS 
 
 feet and a glad smile. For an husband is as good as 
 much credit. 
 
 Yea, when thou goest forth to shop, saying "Send 
 this thing to Mrs. Jones", the clerk shall treat thee 
 almost as an equal. 
 
 Women shall not gossip about thee, and men shall 
 come unto thy teas with an easy mind, knowing thou 
 canst have no designs upon them. Thy family shall 
 call thee "settled", and no woman shall call thee 
 "Poor Thing!" 
 
 Therefore, I say unto thee, if thou findest thine hus- 
 band less than thine ideal, weep not, but be of good 
 cheer.
 
 CHAPTER TWO 
 
 A PERFECT husband, who can find one? 
 For his price is far above gold bonds. 
 The heart of his wife rejoiceth in him, and 
 he shall have no lack of encouragement. 
 
 O F 
 
 HUSBANDS 
 
 He worketh willingly with his hands and bringeth 
 home all his shekels. 
 
 He riseth without calling and lifteth the ice from 
 off the dumbwaiter. He starteth the kitchen range. 
 He considereth his wife, and kisseth her occasion- 
 ally. 
 
 Six days of the week doth he labor for his moneys, 
 and upon the seventh doeth chores within the house 
 for relaxation. 
 
 With his own hands he runneth the lawn mower 
 and washeth the dog. 
 
 He layeth his hands to the parlor curtains and put- 
 teth up the portieres.
 
 oyr 
 
 === ^HS* 
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 HUSBANDS 
 
 He putteth the cat out by night. 
 He is not afraid of the cook. 
 
 His ashes fall not upon the carpet, and his cigarette 
 burneth not holes in the draperies. 
 
 For he doeth his smoking on the piazza. 
 
 He weareth everlasting socks and seweth on his own 
 buttons. 
 
 His overcoat doeth him two seasons. 
 
 Yet, when he ventureth abroad with his wife he 
 donneth a dress suit without grumbling. 
 
 The grouch knoweth him not and his breakfast 
 always pleaseth him. His mouth is filled with 
 praises for his wife's cooking. He doth not expect 
 chicken salad from left-over veal, neither the mak- 
 ing of lobster patties from an ham-bone. 
 
 His wife is known within the gates, when she sitteth 
 among the officers of her Club, by the fit of her 
 gowns and her imported hats. He luncheth meagrely 
 upon a sandwich that he may adorn her with fine 
 jewels. He grumbleth not at the bills. 
 
 5 A 112 
 
 Orchestra.
 
 BOOK 
 
 HUSBANDS 
 
 He openeth his mouth with praises and noteih her 
 new frock. And the word of flattery is on his tongue. 
 
 He perceiveth not the existence of other women. 
 
 He may be trusted to mail a letter. 
 
 Lo, many men have I met in the world, but none 
 like unto him. 
 
 Yet have ye all seen him in your dreams I
 
 CHAPTER THREE 
 
 BEHOLD, my Daughter, the Lord maketh a 
 man but the wife maketh an husband. 
 For Man is but the raw material whereon a 
 woman putteth the finishing touches. 
 
 O F 
 
 H U S B A 
 
 Yea, and whatsoever pattern of husband thou se- 
 lectest, thou shalt find him like unto a shop-made 
 garment, which must be trimmed over and cut down, 
 and ironed out, and built up to tit the matrimonial 
 situation. 
 
 Verily, the best of husbands hath many raw edges, 
 and many unnecessary pleats in his temper, and 
 many wrinkles in his disposition, which must be 
 removed. 
 
 Lo, I charge thee, be wary in thy choice. For, many 
 shall call, but few shall propose. And, a wise damsel 
 shall with difficulty select that which fitteth her dis- 
 position and matcheth her tastes even that which 
 shall not pinch upon the bank account, neither 
 stretch upon the truth, neither shrink nor run not
 
 O F 
 
 At the second-hand counter thou shall find many 
 widowers, which have been remodelled by another 
 hand. And these are easy to acquire. Yet an hand- 
 me-down may have been spoiled in the making, and 
 become frayed at the edges of the temper, and shiny 
 on the seamy-side. 
 
 But a bachelor who hath passed forty is a remnant; 
 and there is no good material left in him. His senti- 
 ments are moth-eaten and his tender speeches shop- 
 worn. His manners shall require much basting and 
 his morals many patches. The gloss hath been 
 rubbed off his illusions and the color hath gone out 
 of his emotions. Yet, a clever damsel shall, perad- 
 venture, take one of these and remodel him to seem 
 as new. 
 
 For the happiest wife is not she that getteth the best 
 husband, but she that maketh the best of that which 
 she getteth. Verily, verily, an husband is a work of 
 art which must be executed by hand ; for there is no 
 factory which turneth them out to order.
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 HUSBANDS 
 
 CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 G 
 
 O to the lemon grove, oh, thou Scholarette! 
 For no woman with brains hath ever plucked 
 a peach in the Garden of Matrimony. 
 
 Orchestra. 
 
 112 
 
 Nay, it is not given unto one woman to possess both 
 real ability and a real husband. 
 
 For unto a successful woman an husband is but an 
 adjunct; and no man yearneth to be an annex I 
 
 Alas! He preferreth soft, sweet things, and unto 
 him a woman that knoweth her own mind is an 
 abomination. 
 
 Verily, verily, a woman with nerves aff ecteth a man 
 as a mosquito that buzzeth throughout a summer 
 night. She wearieth him. 
 
 But a woman with nerve is as a cold bath on a win- 
 ter morning. She shocketh him! 
 
 Lo, an intelligent opinion in the mouth of a woman
 
 *=* 
 
 n P 
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 HUSBANDS 
 
 A 112 I 
 
 Orch*tT. I 
 
 And a wife with judgment which exceedeth his own 
 is more uncanny than a pet parrot which saith the 
 appropriate thing at the right moment. She appal- 
 lethhim! 
 
 My Daughter, in all the land dost thou know of one 
 clever woman who hath been happily married? 
 
 Nay! For I say unto thee there can be but one 
 mind, one opinion, and one throne in an household; 
 and every man claimeth these for himself. 
 
 Then, oh, thou Temperamental One, whatsoever 
 thou receivest in the l&ve game, accept it gladly and 
 rejoice thereat. 
 
 For, whether it be a babe torn from the cradle or an 
 octogenarian spared from the grave; whether it be 
 a left-over bachelor, or an hand-me-down widower; 
 though thou weddest fourscore times, thou shalt do 
 no better I 
 
 Verily, verily, in the life of every woman, there 
 cometh a season when she yearneth for sentiment, 
 and neither the love of her "art" nor the adoration 
 of a poodle dog is sufficient.
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 A 112 
 
 And a little unhappiness with an husband is more to 
 be desired than great loneliness without one. 
 
 Go to! Life without one of these is as spaghetti 
 ;^j without sauce and more insipid than bouillon with- 
 out salt. 
 
 Therefore, my Daughter, gather in the Lemon which 
 Fate awardeth thee and let thine heart be com- 
 forted. 
 
 For though wine is desirable, yet lemonade is not to 
 be despised; and even an Highbrow shall find an 
 husband an agreeable distraction from serious 
 things (
 
 BOOK OF 
 
 CHAPTER FIVE 
 
 HUSBANDS 
 
 HOW long, oh thou Credulous One, wilt thou 
 continue to marry for a change; and the 
 lawyers delight in their fees, and the neigh- 
 bors in their "I-said-so's"? 
 
 For lo, though there be many varieties of men, there 
 is but one kind of husband ! 
 
 Yea, though a man wed seven times seven times, he 
 maketh not the same mistake twice. 
 
 But the woman who weddeth a second time, repeat- 
 eth her own history. 
 
 Verily, verily, if thou wilt but close thine eyes, thou 
 canst not perceive from his words, neither from the 
 cloves upon his breath, nor the ardor of his greeting, 
 whether it be thy first or thy second husband, that 
 kisseth thee. 
 
 For one man's chin is as rough as another's, and one 
 man's lies are as smooth as another's. 
 
 One man's razor is as sacred as another's, and one 
 
 man's excuses are as old as another's. 
 
 [25]
 
 BOOK 
 
 
 O F 
 
 HUSBANDS 
 
 One man roareth, like unto another, when he is 
 hungry. 
 
 One man growleth, like unto another, when he is 
 fed. 
 
 One man groaneth, like unto another, when he hath 
 over-eaten. 
 
 One man looketh as uncanny as another without a 
 collar, and as weird as another without a shave. 
 
 One man streweth his cigar ashes upon the carpet, 
 and leaveth his stubs in the pin-tray, even as 
 another. 
 
 One man burieth himself in the pillows in the morn- 
 ing, and in the newspapers in the evening, and re- 
 fuseth to be torn therefrom even as another. 
 
 One man offereth up the morning and evening 
 growl, and celebrateth the Sunday forenoon grouch 
 as regularly as another. 
 
 Why, then, wilt thou continue to hearken unto their 
 promises ? For, before marriage, all men are promis- 
 ing; but matrimony is a chemical which transmuteth
 
 each and every one of them from a lover into a 
 critic, from an admirer into a scoffer, from an adorer 
 into a judge, and from a slave into a sultan. 
 
 Venly, verily, there is this difference only in hus- 
 bands : 
 
 That the first maketh thee weep ; 
 The second maketh thee wonder; 
 But the third maketh thee weary! 
 
 SELAH.
 
 BRING THE CUSHION 
 
 FOR HIS HEAD, AND 
 
 THE FOOTSTOOL FOR i 
 
 HIS FEET, AND FEED 
 
 HIM FROM THE CHAF- 
 
 :NG-DISH WITH THE 
 
 FRUITS OF THINE OWN 
 COOKING
 
 BOOK 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 
 O F 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 L 
 
 O! wondrous are the workings of a man's 
 heart, my Daughter. 
 
 His love is a thing which riseth and falleth 
 as the stock market ; yea, like a football that goeth 
 up, it descendeth swiftly. 
 
 Behold, when a man first meeteth a damsel, she 
 pleaseth his eyes. Moreover, she is different from 
 the girl before and affordeth a pleasant change. He 
 adoreth her from afar and indulgeth in foolish pipe- 
 dreams. He investeth in new cravats and is particu- 
 lar concerning his collars. 
 
 He calleth at first, timidly ; he getteth on the good 
 side of the family. He bringeth burnt offerings of 
 expensive flowers and sweets from Huyler's. He 
 readeth the Rubaiyat unto her and inviteth her to 
 meet his sister. 
 
 And, behold, there cometh a day when he kisseth 
 her suddenly and without warning. 
 
 And another when he kisseth her again easily. 
 And another when he kisseth her much and often. 
 [31] 
 
 A 112
 
 
 O O K 
 
 O F 
 
 F L I R 
 
 And another when he kisseth her more casually. 
 
 And another when he departeth early, and kisseth 
 her but once "Good night". 
 
 5 /\ nz | 
 
 | And another when he faileth to call. 
 
 Then, peradventure, she writeth him a letter which 
 he putteth in his pocket and forgetteth to answer. 
 She summoneth him over the telephone and he goeth 
 into the booth wearily. She reproacheth and re- 
 vileth him. He picketh a quarrel. 
 
 She sobbeth "All is over between us !" He answer- 
 eth "Oh, very well! Even as thou sayest!" 
 
 And, in time, he meeteth another damsel and doeth 
 it all over again. Yea, the selfsame programme he 
 repeateth unto the letter ; yet, he never tireth. 
 
 For lo ! though a man hath eaten his fill at one meal, 
 why shall he lack appetite for the next? 
 
 Then, I charge thee, my Daughter, when love be- 
 ginneth, question not any man how it will end ; for 
 it is only in the beginning of things that a man is in- 
 
 terested; even in the cream from off the jug, the 
 
 [32]
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 j A 112 
 
 Orchestra. 
 
 bubble of the champagne, the meat on the peach, 
 and the first kiss of a woman. 
 
 Yet, what mattereth the end? Is not the end of the 
 cream, skimmed milk ; and the end of a cigar, a stub ; 
 and the end of a peach, a stone; and the end of 
 champagne, dregs; and the end of love, a quarrel? 
 And which of these would ye choose ? 
 
 Verily, the flirtations of a man's bachelor days are, 
 in passing, as the courses of the love-feast; but 
 a <wife is the black coffee which settleih him. 
 
 A 112 
 
 I Orchestra.
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 CHAPTER TWO 
 
 ATlF 
 
 Orctwitnl 
 
 M 
 
 ARVELLOUS, oh, my Daughter, is the 
 way of a man with women ; for every man 
 hath a method and each his favorite stunt. 
 And the stunt that he hath found to work success- 
 fully with one damsel shall be practised upon each 
 in turn, even unto the finest details thereof. 
 
 Behold, one man shall come unto thee saying : 
 
 "How foolish are the sentimentalists! But, as for 
 me, my motives are altruistic and disinterested ; and 
 a woman's friendship is what I most desire." Yet, I 
 charge thee, seek among his women "friends" and 
 thou shalt not find an homely damsel in all their 
 number. 
 
 For this is the platonic stunt. 
 
 Now, another shall try thee by a simpler method. 
 
 Lo, suddenly and without warning, he shall arise 
 and catch thee in his arms. And when thou smitest 
 him upon the cheek, he shall be overcome with 
 humiliation, crying: 
 "I could not helpitl" 
 
 OBEI 
 g A 112 
 
 I Orchestra
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 g A 112 i 
 
 Orchestra. 
 
 Yet be not persuaded, but put him dawn without 
 mercy, lest peradventure, he kiss thee again. 
 
 For this is the impetuous stunt. 
 
 Yet observe how still another seeketh to be more 
 subtile. 
 
 Mark how he sitteth afar off and talketh of love in 
 the abstract; how he calleth three times a week, yet 
 remaineth always impersonal; how he praiseth the 
 shape of thine hand and admireth thy rings, yet 
 toucheth not so much as the tips of thy fingers. 
 
 "Lo," he thinketh in his heart, "I shall keep her 
 guessing. Yea, I shall wrack her soul with thoughts 
 of how I may be brought to subjection. And when 
 she can no longer contain her curiosity, then will 
 she seek to lure me, and I shall gather her in mine 
 arms." 
 
 And this is the elusive stunt. 
 
 5 A 112 
 
 But, I say unto thee, my Daughter, each of these is 
 but as a chainstitch unto a rose pattern, beside him 
 that playeth the frankly devoted. 
 [351
 
 
 O K 
 
 O F 
 
 F L I R 
 
 For all women are unto him as one woman and 
 that one putty. 
 
 Lo, the look of "adoration" in his eyes is like unto 
 the curl in his hair, always there ; and he weareth his 
 
 ' "protecting manner" as naturally and as constantly 
 as his linen collar. 
 
 He is so attentive and the thoughtful thing cometh 
 unto him as second nature. 
 
 Yea, though there be twenty damsels in the room, 
 yet shall each be made to think in her heart: 
 "Lo, Iam#/" 
 
 Verily, verily, all the days of his life he shall be 
 waited on and cooed over and coddled by women; 
 and his way shall be as one continuous path of con- 
 quests and thornless roses. 
 
 For this is the Stunt of Stunts I
 
 >s rrv fri ff\ - 
 
 \ A 1121 
 
 Orchestra 
 
 BOOK OF 
 
 CHAPTER THREE 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 I 
 
 CHARGE thee, my Daughter, seek not to break 
 a man's heart; for it is like unto family pride, 
 or a pin, which may be bent, but cannot be 
 broken! Yea, it is as a ball of India rubber which 
 reboundeth easily after the worst shocks. 
 
 Lo, the heart of a woman is full of soft spots in 
 which every man she hath once loved occupieth a 
 "cozy corner". She lingereth tenderly over the grave 
 of a dead love ; but a man flingeth a spadeful of earth 
 thereon and proceedeth to dig a new one. And his 
 heart is as a great cemetery! 
 
 A woman keepeth a bundle of love-letters tied in 
 faded ribbons; but a man cleaneth his pipe bowl 
 cheerfully with the stem of the rose which the 
 girl-before-the-last hath worn in her hair. 
 
 A woman remembereth the dress she hath worn and 
 the song she hath sung for each particular man ; but 
 a man remembereth not the scent of violet sachet 
 when the odor of heliotrope is in his nostrils. 
 
 112 
 
 six months, when he cometh by chance 
 'e or a lock of hair at the bottom of
 
 BOOK 
 
 his trunk, he casteth it into the fire, muttering, 
 "Now, who the devil put that thing there?" 
 
 A woman recollecteth each pet name by which she 
 hath been called; she alloweth no /women to label 
 her alike. But unto a man, every woman becometh 
 in turn "Little Girl" or "Baby" or "Honey". 
 
 Lo, he is as one that playeth with skulls and sporteth 
 with the bones of his ancestors; for he holdeth 
 nothing sacred. 
 
 He eraseth one face from the tablet of memory, and 
 draweth another across it. 
 
 He changeth his object of thought as readily as he 
 changeth his clothes and his political opinions. 
 
 For a woman's love is a slow flame which smoulder- 
 eth always, but a man's love is like unto a skyrocket, 
 which sputtereth out and cannot be rekindled. 
 
 Verily, his "past" is always qtttte past, and his dead 
 loves are quite dead. And there is nothing which is 
 more wearisome unto him than the memory of yes- 
 terday's wine, or yesterday's flirtation.
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 MY Daughter, there are many styles of kisses, 
 and they come in endless patterns, even as 
 Oriental rugs. 
 
 There is the kiss that sootheth and the kiss that 
 thrilleth, the kiss that flattereth and the kiss that is a 
 pastime. But the best of all kisses is the first kiss ; 
 for it is the most difficult. 
 
 Yet, in all the days of thy life, no two men shall kiss 
 thee alike. For one man shall regard thy kisses as a 
 boon, and another shall regard them as an amuse- 
 ment; but an husband shall consider them, as the 
 shaving of his chin, a morning duty. 
 
 Hast thou scorned a man's kisses? 
 
 Then will he exalt thee, saying "Lo! she is very 
 proper." For he can think of no other reason why 
 thou shouldst not desire to kiss him. 
 
 Yet if thou hast consented to kiss only one man, 
 he will say unto himself, "Verily, it is her habit. 
 So doeth she with all mankind." For every man 
 judgeth thee by the way in which thou treatest 
 him. 
 [391
 
 BOOK OF FLIRTS 
 
 If a man kisseth thy hand gracefully, beware of him ; 
 for this is the habit of an accomplished flirt, which 
 hath been acquired by much practice. 
 
 But if he kisseth thee first upon the forehead, and 
 then upon the eyelids, and then upon the lips, thou 
 mayest choose thy wedding gown and decide upon 
 thy bridesmaids. 
 
 Lo, kissing is a fine art, and there are many artists ; 
 and one shall take a kiss from thee as though he 
 doeth thee a favor, and another shall take a kiss as 
 though he had taken thy pocketbook. 
 
 Yet, no man shall ever understand why thou seemest 
 pleased, or why thou waxest wroth, when he kisseth 
 thee ; for it is all in the way of his wooing. 
 
 Verily, verily, a man who kisseth a woman with his 
 hat on shall be annihilated. 
 
 But he, that kisseth her as though he had never 
 kissed before and never should kiss again, shall wear 
 an halo in her sight. For he knoweth the Art of 
 Arts. 
 
 Orctiestrc 

 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 CHAPTER FIVE 
 
 LO, my Daughter, a man came unto me say- 
 ing: 
 
 "Let me be thy slave. For, behold, I am 
 all devotion. And it is my delight to serve a fair 
 woman." 
 
 And I looked at him and smiled sadly. 
 
 For I knew that he was invulnerable; and all my 
 weapons were broken against me. 
 But another came unto me saying : 
 "Behold ! I am a woman-hater. Not one of them do 
 I trust. Nay, not one can deceive and allure me. For 
 I have their numbers, all of them." 
 And my heart was gladdened. For, by that sign, I 
 knew that he was easy. And my way was clear be- 
 fore me. 
 
 Verily, verily, men are of three varieties: the kind 
 that must be driven with whip and spur; the kind 
 that must be coaxed with apples and sugar ; and the 
 kind that must be blindfolded and backed into the 
 shafts of matrimony. 
 
 And the woman-hater is like unto the last. 
 [41] 
 
 Orchestra.
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 Therefore, I charge thee, when thou meetest one of 
 these seek not to argue with him, neither to convince 
 him ; but agree with him sweetly, that all thy sex is 
 weak and untrustworthy. 
 
 Orche.tr* | Discourse sorrowfully upon the pitfalls of flirtation, 
 and the hollo t wness of love, and the horrors of matri- 
 mony. 
 
 Declare boldly thy scorn for the New Woman, and 
 for the Old Woman, and for the Frivolous Woman, 
 and for the Highbrow, and for the Lowbrow, and all 
 the women that are on the earth and in the heavens 
 above the earth. 
 
 And when thou hast disarmed him, taking all his 
 arguments from out his mouth, speak sweetly con- 
 cerning the beauties of platonic friendship and wax 
 rapturous in its praises. 
 
 Bring the cushion for his head, and the footstool fof 
 his feet, and feed him from the chafing dish with the 
 fruits of thine own cooking, saying: 
 
 "I prithee, do smoke, for it is so chummy! Yea, I 
 beg of thee, treat me as thou wouldst a man friend." 
 
 hand. 
 
 Orchestra
 
 A 112' 
 
 Orchestra. I 
 
 And he shall say in his heart: 
 
 "Would to heaven I were not a Woman Hater, and 
 that all women were like unto her ; for she is sensible 
 and sincere and a bachelor flat was never like this I" 
 
 And upon the seventh evening he shall fall down 
 before thee and retract all his words, eating them 
 one by one. 
 
 And when thou remindest him of thy warnings and 
 of thy fear of marriage, he will seek to persuade 
 thee and will comfort thee with kisses and a soli- 
 taire. 
 
 Then shalt thou slip the bridle over his head and the 
 reins shall be in thine hands. And there shall be one 
 less Woman Hater in the world. 
 
 For a Woman Hater, my Beloved, is like unto the 
 simple ostrich, which hideth its head in the sand and 
 thinketh itself safe. 
 
 But he that professeth open adoration is like unto 
 the park squirrel, which will eat out of thine hand 
 an never be caught I 
 
 A 112 
 
 Orchestra.
 
 nsur 
 
 \ A 1121 
 
 Orc*>ctr. I 
 
 BOOK 
 
 CHAPTER SIX 
 
 O F 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 M 
 
 Y Daughter, a woman is a study in moods 
 and tenses, but man is a simple prop- 
 osition which worketh according to a 
 
 "system". 
 
 Behold, how the two regard a letter. For when a 
 woman writeth she spelleth her soul out on paper; 
 but a man putteth all his tender meanings between 
 the lines. Yea, a woman's letter is a confession, but 
 a man's letter is a veiled allusion which concealeth 
 his thoughts. Verily, it is a work of art. 
 
 Yet, when a woman receiveth it, she readeth it over 
 many times, and placeth it within her shirtwaist by 
 day, and under her pillow by night. For she know- 
 eth that, with temptations like unto telephones and 
 post-cards within reach, a hand-written letter is a 
 sign of devotion. 
 
 But, when a man receiveth a woman's letter, he 
 droppeth it in his pocket. Nay, not in the pocket 
 above his heart, but in that pocket which containeth 
 the fewest bills and receipts and lead pencils and 
 other valuable 
 
 ami 
 
 A 112 
 
 I Orchestrt
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 FLIRTS 
 
 He carryeth it there faithfully until he changeth 
 his coat. 
 
 He layeth it away in an unused drawer amongst 
 other trash. 
 
 He forgetteth it. 
 
 And, when years shall have passed, he findeth it and 
 taketh it out curiously. 
 
 He regardeth it with astonishment. 
 
 He wrinkleth his brows with his great effort at re- 
 collection, saying: "Now who the dickens wrote 
 this thing? Yea, <who is 'Mabel'?" 
 
 He giveth it up. 
 
 And lo ! he proceedeth to make pipe-lighters of thine 
 heart-to-heart effusion. 
 
 Behold thy letter, like unto his love, goeth up in 
 smoke ! 
 
 5 A 112 
 
 | Orchestra.
 
 FEW THY RINGS, 
 
 BUI MA NY THY 
 
 BANGLES; FORA 
 
 FASCINATETH HIM, 
 
 EVEN AS THE SOUND 
 
 OF A RATTLE FAS-
 
 === 
 
 T^HrJkl 
 
 BOOK OF DAMSELS 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 
 G 
 
 Orchestra. 
 
 IVE ear, my Daughter, and receive my wis- 
 dom, for the husband-hunt leadeth over many 
 hurdles and the trail of the Eligible Thing 
 aboundeth in pitfalls. 
 
 Lo, the woods are full of men, but men are full of 
 strange suspicions; and in elusiveness the fox is 
 simple beside them. 
 
 I charge thee, seek not to be a fashion-plate; for a 
 human "shriek" giveth warning and affrighteth the 
 game. Verily a becoming frock of home manufacture 
 is more to be desired than a French creation which 
 maketh thee to resemble a bad dream! 
 
 Costly thy smile as thy dentist shall make it; for a 
 pearl in the mouth exceedeth two on the finger. 
 And it is better to be dead than unmissable. 
 
 Cheap thy gloves, if need be, but expensive thy 
 sachet ; for a man knoweth not scent from sentiment. 
 
 Few thy rings, but many thy bangles ; for a musical 
 jingle fascinateth him even as the sound of a rattle 
 fascinateth a babe. Yea, manicured
 
 
 BOOK OF DAMSELS 
 
 fectly clean cuffs are more to be desired in the world 
 of business than a knowledge of stenography. Mod- 
 est thy hats, yet chic withal ; and thy hair glorious. 
 For a cheap coiffure is an abomination, but a made- 
 to-order switch is a woman's "crown of beauty". 
 
 Look not upon the rouge-pot when it is too red, but 
 delicate thy blushes and thy complexion put on with 
 a fine brush and self-restraint. 
 
 Plain thy coat, but frilly thy petticoat and of all silk ; 
 for a feminine "swish" is as poetry unto the mascu- 
 line ear. 
 
 Then, I say unto thee, waste not thy substance upon 
 style. For a man knoweth not last year's left-over 
 from this year's fad, but he knoweth a "vision" when 
 he seeth her. 
 
 Verily, a wise virgin hideth her light under a bushel 
 of simplicity, but a foolish damsel goeth forth re- 
 sembling a human snare. She painteth her cheek 
 as with house paint, and gildeth her hair with much 
 gold. She adorneth herself with feathers and wear- 
 eth dangling ear-rings. And at sight of her men fly 
 on wings of fear. 
 
 [50] 
 
 j A 112 
 
 I Orchesf r.
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 DAMSELS 
 
 CHAPTER TWO 
 
 A 112 
 
 H 
 
 EAR now, the Prayer of a Damsel of Baby- 
 lon, which she chanteth in her heart : 
 Angels and Ministers of Grace, oh, hear me ! | E A 112 
 
 Orchestra. | Bestow upon me, I pray thee: 
 The smile of a seraph. 
 The voice of a dove. 
 The silence of the Sphinx. 
 The eyes of an houri. 
 The blindness of a bat. 
 The figure of a cloak model. 
 The wisdom of Solomon. 
 The ways of a kitten. 
 The conscience of a cat. 
 The self-control of a tin soldier. 
 The pliability of a sofa cushion. 
 The capriciousness of an automobile. 
 The sensitiveness of a suet pudding. 
 The intelligence of a pet clam. 
 [51] 
 
 m 
 
 Orchestra.
 
 Orchestr 
 
 The sweetness of a cream puff. 
 
 The ambition of a potato. 
 
 The meekness of a door-mat. 
 
 The opinions of an echo. 
 
 The fascinations of a chorus girl. 
 
 The patience of Griselda. 
 
 The mystery of the Catacombs. 
 
 The faith of a poodle. 
 
 And the endurance of Atlas. 
 
 These things I ask in order that I may be all things 
 unto one man ! 
 
 DAMSELS
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 DAMSELS 
 
 CHAPTER THREE 
 
 A 112 
 
 Orchestr 
 
 H 
 
 OW little, O, my Daughter, how exceeding 
 little shall satisfy the heart of a woman! 
 
 For a man's love is like unto an orchid, 
 which requireth tender persuasion and constant cul- 
 tivation. But a woman's love is like unto an air 
 plant, which flourisheth continually upon imagina- 
 tion. 
 
 Now, I knew a damsel of Babylon, and she was ex- 
 ceeding fair, having dove's eyes, and curling locks, 
 and much moneys, and a motor car. 
 Wherefore the youths of the land flocked unto her 
 house, and her parlor was always full, and her piazza 
 running over. 
 
 And one of these was a medal-winner, called Clod, 
 who possessed a football figure and a Gibson profile. 
 But the least among them all was Wisenheimer, who 
 was abbreviated and whose hair was thin upon the 
 top. 
 
 And Clod come unto the damsel, bringing his medals 
 and his loving cups and divers trophies. And when 
 he had shown them all and had told her of his deeds
 
 *=*= 
 E n 
 
 BOOK OF DAMSELS 
 
 of prowess, he sat afar off in a corner and conversed 
 of generalities and of himself. 
 
 For he said in his heart, "When she hath seen what 
 great works I am destined to accomplish, then will 
 she gladly share them with me and shine in my re- 
 flected glory." 
 
 But Wisenheimer concentrated all his conversation 
 upon one topic, saying : 
 
 "How marvellous are thine eyes to-night, O Star 
 of Beauty ! And thy lips have a curve like unto the 
 smile of Mona Lisa. Thy hair is of a wonderful soft- 
 ness; and <what is that fascinating perfume thou 
 usest? Lo, many damsels have I known, but thou 
 excellest them all ; for thou art as Maxine Elliot and 
 Lillian Russell and the Venus de Milo in one !" 
 
 And the damsel was interested, and she said: 
 "Go on!" 
 
 Then Wisenheimer cast himself before her crying : 
 "Lo, what am I, a worm and a parasite, that I should 
 aspire to thy love? 
 
 "Behold, I am a sinner and full of evil, yet I need the 
 love of a noble 'woman to save me ! I am as nothing,
 
 O F 
 
 DAMSELS 
 
 and have accomplished nothing, yet I yearn for the 
 inspiration of an angel to guide me and sustain me 
 and spur me on to higher things !" 
 
 And lo, the maiden fell upon his neck and comforted 
 
 him with kisses and with promises. And the wed- IOrchM 
 
 ding was set for October. 
 
 Yet all her friends said : 
 What doth she see in him! " 
 
 But I say unto thee, the maiden was wise. For 
 verily, verily, in the comedy of matrimony there is 
 more joy in being a star than in being an under- 
 siudyl
 
 OrchfStr*. 
 
 B 
 
 CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 DAM 
 
 BEHOLD, my Daughter, how Man's taste con- 
 cerning women hath changed! 
 For lo, it hath come to pass that a maiden of 
 sweet and simple sixteen is, unto a matron of fair 
 and frivolous forty, as breakfast food unto caviar 
 and old wine. 
 
 Yea, a man no longer yearneth for a babe to cuddle ; 
 and a clinging vine fretteth him, as a shoe that 
 squeaketh or a chair that wobbleth. Moreover, he 
 desireth rich things. And a widow with many shek- 
 els hath a more solid attraction than a damsel with 
 naught but beauties of the soul. 
 
 Go to ! The kiss of a damsel of sixteen is more in- 
 sipid than pink ice-cream, but the kiss of a woman 
 of forty hath the flavor of experience and vera 
 violetta. 
 
 Lo, a damsel worshippeth a man as a demi-god and 
 discourseth unto him of her "ideals" ; but a matron 
 mothereth him and cooeth unto him in baby talk. A 
 damsel discusseth the weather with a youth and 
 singeth "The Rosary" unto him; but a woman of 
 
 [56]
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 forty discusseth his talents and singeth him lullabies. 
 A maiden babbleth on as the brook, thinking to be 
 always amusing, but a matron knoweth that after 
 his labors of the day a man preferreth a down pillow 
 unto fireworks. 
 
 A maiden pouteth and chafeth beneath his "moods", 
 but a matron ascertaineth whether they proceed 
 from indigestion or an ingrowing temperament, and 
 healeth them accordingly with soda mints or flattery. 
 
 A maiden seeketh to appear mysterious, and roman- 
 tic, but a matron playeth always the platonic friend. 
 She is so simple. 
 
 A maiden goeth roundabout ways to hasten a pro- 
 posal, but a matron seemeth to pat it off. She for- 
 biddeth him to speak of marriage, even as she for- 
 biddeth a small boy to touch the medicine which she 
 hath determined he shall swallow. And lo, he yearn- 
 eth straightway therefor. 
 
 Verily, verily, a maiden goeth forth with the sound 
 of bugles and an airgun, but a matron setteth her 
 i unseen
 
 DAMSELS 
 
 A maiden challengeth a man with coquettishness, 
 but a matron putteth him to sleep! For no man 
 goeth into matrimony with his eyes open! Verily, 
 
 verily, he falleth in love as he falleth out of bed, and 
 3 A 112 1 ... ... . . 5 A 112 
 
 awakeneth with a great shock, knowing not hcfo it tfei^i; 
 
 hath happened,
 
 BOOK 
 
 DAMSELS 
 
 CHAPTER FIVE 
 
 HAST thou heard the tale of the wise and 
 foolish virgins, oh, my Daughter? Then 
 hearken ! For this parable pointeth a great 
 moral. 
 
 Now, the foolish virgin cried unto her sisters, early 
 in the season, "Lo! the spirit of the love-chase is 
 upon me ! I must be up and doing. For the summer 
 resort shall be my happy hunting ground, where the 
 game is easy and plentiful." 
 
 And she went her ways rejoicing, armed with three 
 trunks and a pink parasol and girded about with 
 lingerie frocks and a silk bathing suit. 
 Yet, when she had arrived upon the scene, behold 
 there was naught within sight! Lo, each morning 
 she wandered upon the beach with one callow col- 
 lege-youth and each evening danced gladly with a 
 flirtatious octogenarian. All the damsels of the 
 hotel, they waltzed in pairs and pretended to like it ! 
 But the wise virgin sighed, "Alas! I cannot afford 
 to go upon a vacation trip. Nay I must stay in town !
 
 Orchestra. 
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 DAMSE 
 
 For, when all the other women had departed, the 
 men of the town, being much bored and having 
 naught else to do, flocked unto her door and made 
 themselves comfortable upon her piazza. 
 
 Yea, in twos and threes came they, the simple youth 
 with his mandolin and the wise youth with his 
 Rubaiyat, the married man in his loneliness, and the 
 bachelor whose sweetheart was abroad. 
 
 And she fed them iced drinks and flattery, and they 
 absorbed all of it gladly and were consoled ! 
 
 And lo, before the summer had waned she wore six 
 engagement rings ; for the harvest was plentiful. 
 
 Verily, verily, a summer resort is a place wherein a 
 woman will resort to anything, from a babe unto a 
 grandfather, for amusement ; but a womanless town 
 is a ripe field. 
 
 [60]
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 DAMSELS 
 
 CHAPTER SIX 
 
 OH, ye damsels of Babylon ! Ye followers after 
 fads and wearers of pearl earrings! How 
 long will ye seek to appear sophisticated? 
 How long will ye continue to pose as cynics, and 
 think it chic to be satirical and piquant to be ca- 
 pricious? 
 
 Know ye not, oh foolish ones, that a man dreadeth a 
 female cynic as a small boy dreadeth an education? 
 Yea, and a satirical damsel is unto him as a cater- 
 pillar upon the neck, which maketh him to shudder. 
 But a capricious woman is as gravel in the shoes. 
 She giveth him great pain. 
 
 Behold, a foolish damsel seeketh always to scin- 
 tillate. She appeareth clothed in worldly wisdom 
 and bristling with opinions. She provoketh argu- 
 ments and answereth with repartee. She mocketh 
 at a man's sentiments and rebuketh him with epi- 
 grams. She maketh him to look foolish. 
 But a wise damsel is sweeter than distilled honey 
 and more simple than the plot of a Robert Cham- 
 bers novel. She lighteth her own way with the sun 
 of her smiles, and smootheth all her paths with soft 
 [61] 
 
 A 112 
 
 I Orchestra.
 
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 DAMSELS 
 
 soap. She seeketh not her own glorification but 
 poureth oil upon the vanity of the just and unjust 
 alike. 
 
 Doth a youth argue with her, she is easily convinced f 
 and covereth him with approbation, saying: "How j 
 
 didst thou ever think of that?" 
 
 And, lo, his argument is broken against him. 
 
 Doth her Beloved call at eve, bringing with him the 
 grouch "that knoweth no brother", she greeteth him 
 with the smile that knoweth no sister. 
 
 She ministereth unto him with cooling drinks and 
 looks of sympathy. 
 
 She bringeth him the ash-tray and the shaded lamp 
 and the foot-stool and the newspapers. 
 
 She urgeth him to smoke. 
 She forbeareth to talk. 
 
 And behold his mood dissolveth as the mist before 
 the sun, and he exclaimeth in his heart: "Good 
 Heavens! What would life be without this
 
 And all the days of her life she treadeth upon velvet. 
 
 Verily, verily, a wise woman preferreth peace of 
 mind unto her own opinions, comfort unto her dig- 
 nity, and an husband unto a reputation for bril- | \ A 112 
 liancy. She saith in her heart : 
 
 "I am not here to reform him, but to please him." 
 
 And, lo, all the world is her roller coaster! For the 
 price of peace is a perpetual smile 1 
 
 SELAH.
 
 VERILY, VERILY, MY 
 
 DAUGHTER, THE FOOL 
 ATH SAID IN HER 
 
 EART, 'ALL MEN 
 
 SHOULD MARRY! FOR 
 
 THERE [S A REASON 
 
 R EVERY H NG 
 
 UNDER THE SUN, SAVE 
 
 A BACHELOR'
 
 BOOK OF 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 
 BACHELORS 
 
 GO to, my Daughter. Knowest thou a man 
 who hath lived long in a bachelor flat? Then 
 beware of him! For his ways are full of 
 guile and he hath not a thrill left. 
 
 Alas, the bachelor flat is a curse sent upon Woman. 
 For, lo, though a man hath dwelt in the back hall- 
 room of a boarding-house for many years and hath 
 suffered all its untold horrors, the moment he taketh 
 a flat the sweet feminine thing seeketh him out and 
 yearneth to make him "comfortable". 
 
 And his days are made sad with sofa pillows and 
 towel racks, and picture frames, and shaving-pads, 
 and foot-stools, until his house resembleth a bargain 
 counter, or the spoils from the harem of a sacked 
 city. 
 
 He groaneth when he seeketh in corners for a spot 
 wherein to place his forty-seventh cushion; he 
 curseth when he returneth after dark and falleth 
 over tabourets and other evidences of the pursuit 
 of man; he laugheth as he borroweth old socks from 
 his men friends that he may supply all of those who 
 I6 7 ]
 
 A 112 
 
 BOOK OF BACHELORS 
 
 desire to do his mending. And to him, in matters of 
 love, there is nothing new under the sun. 
 
 For the man that weddeth a widow is number two, 
 but the woman that weddeth a bachelor-flatee is 
 number forty-favo. 
 
 And when she mendeth his coat and patteth his pil- 
 low; when she kisseth him in the cleft within his 
 chin and runneth her fingers through his hair, he 
 feeleth no thrill. For these are unto him but as a 
 tale that hath been many times told. 
 
 Verily, his sentiments are frayed at the edges and 
 his emotions worn thin with usage. His heart is 
 patched in many places and his illusions are as last 
 year's roses withered. 
 
 Yea, his love is but as warmed-over pudding or cold 
 veal served upon the second day; even as second- 
 hand furniture, whereof the interior is motheaten. 
 
 But he is better than nothing. 
 
 j A 112 
 
 I Orchestra. I
 
 BOOK OF BACHELORS 
 
 CHAPTER TWO 
 
 A 112 i 
 
 Orchestr*. I 
 
 V 
 
 ERILY, verily, my Daughter, the fool hath 
 said in her heart, "All men should marry! 
 For there is a reason for everything under 
 
 the sun, save a bachelor/' 
 
 But I have gone among the bachelors, questioning 
 
 them, young and old; and I say unto thee, the 
 
 "reasons" why a man taketh a stimulant are not 
 
 more numerous and wonderful than the reasons why 
 
 he doth not marry. 
 
 Behold, he doth not marry : 
 
 Because he is too young. 
 
 Because he is too old. 
 
 Because he hath not thought about it. 
 
 Because he hath thought too much about it. 
 
 Because he is poor and cannot afford a wife. 
 
 Because he is rich and doth not require a wife. 
 
 Because he loveth no woman. 
 
 Because he loveth all women. 
 
 Because he hath not met the right woman. 
 
 [69]
 
 /Oj 
 
 BOOK 
 
 OF BACHELORS 
 
 Because he hath met the right woman and been 
 "disappointed". 
 
 Because he hath many illusions concerning women. 
 
 Because he hath no illusions concerning them. 
 
 Because no woman is good enough. 
 
 Because he is not "good enough" for any woman. 
 
 Because he is not ready to settle down. 
 
 Because he is already settled down, and is content. 
 
 Because he is <weak and fearful. 
 
 Because he is strong and impregnable. 
 
 And, likewise just because.
 
 =*= 
 
 BOOK OF BACHELORS 
 
 CHAPTER THREE 
 
 H 
 
 EARKEN, my Daughter, unto the parable of 
 the merrie bachelor; hearken and be com- 
 forted. 
 
 For, I say unto thee, not one of these liveth but shall 
 receive his just desert ! 
 
 Now, in my youth, there came unto me such an one, 
 saying, " Why shall I marry? For lo, have I not all 
 the comforts of home, at half the expense? Behold, 
 I have three good meals a day and a den filled with 
 gew-gaws, which are the work of many damsels. 
 Yea, and not one of them but yearneth to sew on my 
 buttons. 
 
 "Moreover, I can go forth into the country in the 
 summer time without having to pawn mine over- 
 coat ; and in the winter I can go unto my club with- 
 out having to perjure my soul. 
 
 "Verily, verily, my life is like unto an eleven-course 
 dinner. 
 
 "For on Monday I may talk art unto a high-browed 
 damsel; and on Tuesday I may talk l&ve unto a 
 widow; and on Wednesday I may talk nonsense 
 unto a fluffy thing. 
 
 A 112
 
 BOOK OF BACHELORS 
 
 "But a married man must talk domestic economy 
 unto the same woman every night, which is like a 
 table d'hote menu, of a deadening monotony. 
 
 "Behold, I offer no apology for my singleness; for 
 I am unashamed! And my one fear is that I shall 
 awaken from this dream I " 
 And I answered him, saying, "Even so!" 
 
 Yet, as time passed, the hairs dropped one by one 
 from the head of the bachelor, until it shone as a 
 great light. 
 
 Lo, from eating and drinking much good food and 
 having no worries, he became round and pudgy, like 
 unto a Billiken. 
 
 And the maidens of the land who had trembled at his 
 approach now tittered merrily at sight of him. Yea, 
 whereas, before, he had been able to spend an whole 
 evening with one of them, bringing a box of cheap 
 candy, he now spent all his savings upon them. 
 
 For it requireth real orchids and champagne to make 
 a fat man fascinating. 
 
 And he observed the married men of his acquaint- 
 ance, that from overworking they had still kept their
 
 BOOK OF BACHELORS 
 
 
 A 1121 
 
 Orchestra I 
 
 figures and were interesting. Yea, and they flirted 
 with their stenographers and were merry; but the 
 bachelor not having to labor had accomplished noth- 
 ing ; for he had spent his days in yawning. 
 
 Then he came unto me, crying : 
 
 "Lo ! At last I would marry and settle down. But 
 she that I once loved hath married another. And 
 how shall I choose a wife? For all women are as 
 one woman unto me." 
 
 And I mocked him with my ha-has, saying: 
 
 "My Son, I adjure thee, wed any woman thou 
 canst! For the buds of the Nation are not collecting 
 antiques. Yet, peradventure, one of these shall ac- 
 cept thee as a good thing; or another shall take thee 
 as a last resort, when she hath passed her fifth 
 season. Go to! Thou hast eaten the bread of life 
 without honey thereon, and thou shalt hereafter be 
 satisfied with the crumbs. " 
 
 Verily, verily, life without love, is as a pipe without 
 a light; but a man without a wife is as a helpless 
 barge without a tow-boat. 
 
 A 112 
 
 I Orchestra I
 
 BOOK OF BACHELORS 
 
 CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 Y Daughter, hear now the Thanksgiving 
 
 Day prayer of a bachelor: 
 
 Oh, Lord, I thank Thee that Thou hast 
 vouchsafed me another year of freedom. That I am 
 still safe ! 
 
 That Thou hast made me what I am wise, uncon- 
 querable, immune! 
 
 That, although I have many times lost my heart, I 
 have never yet lost my head. 
 
 That I did not marry my first love. 
 
 That, though the hairs of my head be numbered, 
 they are still sufficient to cover my bald spot. 
 
 That, though my forehead gradually becometh more 
 intellectual, it is not yet bare. 
 
 That I have never yet written a letter which could 
 be held against me in a breach-of-promise suit, but 
 have confined all my tender messages unto telegrams 
 and postcards. 
 
 That all my words have been discreet and mine ac- 
 tions cautious and self-restrained. 
 
 [74]
 
 BOOK OF BACHELORS 
 
 That, although maidens may bestow upon me purple 
 neckties, spotted scarfs, plaid mufflers and orange- 
 colored gloves at Christmastide, I shall not be re- 
 e A 112 i quired to wear them. 
 
 That I am still regarded as eligible among maidens 
 and matrons. That they have not found me out I 
 
 Orchvctm 
 
 5 A 112 
 
 I Orctiestr* 
 
 That, day by day, my heart is acquiring a coat of 
 cement and my conscience a coat of mail. 
 
 That I have carefully preserved all my emotions in 
 alcohol ! 
 
 That there is no marrying nor giving in marriage in 
 Heaven ! 
 
 Yea, for good cigars, bachelor flats, vaudeville, briar 
 pipes, clubs, apartment hotels, stenographers, comic 
 operas, taxicabs and widows, Good Lord I thank 
 Thee! 
 
 And now in the name of peace and contentment, 
 vouchsafe me another year of single blessedness. 
 
 Yea, give me liberty or give me death ! Amen !
 
 A 
 
 Orchftr. I 
 
 WHEN HER SHOE 
 COMETH UNTIED, 
 WHEN HER SIDE-COMB 
 FALLETH OUT, WHEN 
 HER HAIR TUMBLETH 
 DOWN, TURN AWAY 
 THINE EYES, LEST 
 THOU BE UNDONE. 
 FOR CIRCE WAS AS 
 NAUGHT BESIDE A 
 WOMAN WITH FLOW- 
 
 A 112
 
 ,
 
 BOOK 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 
 O F 
 
 SIRENS 
 
 B 
 
 EHOLD, my Daughter, I have parted from 
 mine Appendix and my conscience is clear! 
 Therefore do I fear but three things in all | A 112 
 
 the world: 
 
 And the first of these is a mouse. 
 And the second is embonpoint. 
 But the third is a Trained Nurse I 
 For I have watched her at her work. 
 
 And, I charge thee, in the flutter of her apron there 
 lurketh more danger than in the whole chorus of a 
 comic opera. For a chorus girl practiseth her wiles 
 upon strong men, but she seeketh him only that is 
 stricken and at her mercy. 
 
 Yea, when he is down-and-out she getteth in her 
 fine work. 
 
 Upon her head she weareth a cute cap, which glori- 
 fieth her as a halo in his sight. She walketh upon 
 heels of velvet and cooeth unto him in a voice of 
 silver. 
 
 [79]
 
 BOOK OF SIRENS 
 
 Her smile runneth over and will not come off. 
 She hath dove's eyes. 
 
 She batheth his brow with spikenard and myrrh, and 
 anointeth him with alcohol. She arrangeth his pil- 
 lows and comforteth his soul with words of cheer. 
 She taketb his pulse I 
 
 He yearneth to be babied and she babyeth him. 
 He pineth for sympathy and she sympathizeth. 
 
 He seeketh comfort and she maketh him comfort- 
 able. 
 
 And <whai chance hath a damsel at a pink tea beside 
 a ministering angel such as one of these? 
 
 Go to, thou Simple One ! What strength is there in 
 a sick man that he shall flee before all the tempta- 
 tions of St. Anthony, in one? 
 
 Nay, though he be of stone and of adamant, though 
 his heart be encased in barbed wire, yet shall he turn
 
 SIRENS 
 
 BOOK 
 
 "Alas Miriam is all right ; but a wife was never 
 like this!" 
 
 Yet how guileless is human nature! For, ye will ( 
 
 ... i i _ i^ i_ _ 5 A 11 
 
 keep your silver in a strong box and your jewels be- 
 
 hind bars of iron; yet will ye trust your beloved in 
 the hands of one of these. 
 
 Verily, verily, the Lorelei is passee and witches are 
 no more. 
 
 But a Little Trained Nurse is a dangerous thing I
 
 
 
 Orctietr. 
 
 BOOK OF SIRENS 
 
 CHAPTER TWO 
 
 V 
 
 ERILY, my Daughter, there be these three: 
 the maid, the matron, and the widow; and 
 the luckiest of these is the widow. 
 
 For she hath graduated from the School of Experi- 
 ence and her crepe veil glorifieth her as a diploma. 
 
 And, though she may live in a bachelor flat, none 
 shall gossip about her; but whatsoever she doeth 
 shall seem "cute" in the eyes of men. 
 
 When she talketh wittily they shall not say, '"She 
 knoweth too much" ; and when she talketh foolishly 
 they shall declare that she but seeketh to appear 
 simple. If she smoketh a cigarette, she will make 
 excuse, saying, "Mine husband taught me how to 
 do this thing", and all men shall call her "fascinat- 
 ing". 
 
 Yea, she possesseth all the glory of matrimony, even 
 unto "Mrs." on her name, and none of the discom- 
 forts. She shall marry a second time if she so de- 
 sireth; and if she doth not, who shall say that she 
 could not? 
 
 [82] 
 
 A 112
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SIRENS 
 
 5 A 
 
 Orchestra 
 
 For one man hath set his seal of approval upon her, 
 and where one hath led the rest shall follow like unto 
 a flock of Geese. Yea, in the matter of women, man 
 hath great faith in the judgment of his brother, but 
 he doubteth his own taste. 
 
 And, though a widow be neither wealthy, nor good 
 to look upon; though she be fat and forty and friv- 
 olous; yet she understandeth how to make a man 
 comfortable which is the secret of all wisdom. She 
 shall feed the lambs from the chafing-dish and the 
 lions with honeyed words; she shall coax the 
 smoker to smoke; she shall hold a match to his 
 cigar; she shall bring a footstool for his feet and a 
 couch pillow for his head ; she shall mend his gloves 
 and listen eagerly to his stories unto seven times 
 seven times. 
 
 Yet envy her not, my daughter, for hath she not 
 been married once? And a woman who hath once 
 been married hath earned whatsoever she receiveth.
 
 BOOK OF SIRENS 
 
 CHAPTER THREE 
 
 H 
 
 EED my instructions, oh my Son, that thou 
 mayest understand the Seven Poses of 
 Woman ! 
 
 Anz 
 
 I Orchestra 
 
 For, whether she dwelleth in the high places or in 
 the low places, her nets are cast into the sea, and 
 her hooks are bated with perfume and chafing-dishes 
 and domesticity. 
 
 Yea, though she hideth in a studio apartment and 
 cryeth "I shall never marry!", yet doth she seek to 
 lure thee with joss sticks and pink tea and rarebits 
 and the artistic temperament. 
 
 Likewise, beware when she patteth thy coat lapel; 
 when she slippeth her hand confidingly into thine 
 overcoat pocket be not persuaded. For the touch of 
 a damsel's fingers is alluring, but a wife's "touch" 
 is expensive. 
 
 Lo, when she mothereth thee ; when she runneth her 
 fingers through thy top hair; when she inquireth 
 concerning thy health and urgeth thee to wear rub- 
 
 [84]
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SIRENS 
 
 Orctip.tr* 
 
 bers, be prepared to escape her; for, so doth she 
 shear the lamb for the slaughter. 
 
 When her shoe cometh untied, when her side-comb 
 falleth out, when her hair tumbleth down, in the 
 game of tennis, turn away thine eyes, lest thou be 
 undone. For, Circe was as naught, beside a woman 
 with flowing hair. 
 
 When she "turneth" her ankle upon the golf links, 
 I charge thee do not bear her in thine arms to safety ; 
 but, for thy soul's sake, flee in search of a doctor, 
 'ere she turneth thine head also. 
 
 When she putteth perfume upon thy locks, oh be- 
 ware of her ! For she doeth this that she may mark 
 thee for her own ; and, until it be washed away, thou 
 shalt be covered with shame in the eyes of the 
 world. 
 
 But, when she coaxeth thee to be adorned, when she 
 seeketh to manicure thy nails ; when she patteth thy 
 fingers and yearneth to bathe them with sweet oint- 
 ments; when she weareth a cute apron and sitteth 
 more near, I charge thee, clasp thine hands behind 
 thee, crying: 
 [85] 
 
 Orcbestr*. 
 
 '
 
 BOOK 
 
 SIRENS 
 
 Nay ! Thou mayest bold them, but thou shalt not 
 manicure them!" 
 
 For by this strategy fell the Benedicts. 
 
 'l Goto, my Son! Ask me not how I have learned of j 
 Woman, concerning all her poses.
 
 
 Orchectr*. 
 
 BOOK 
 
 CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 O F 
 
 SIRENS 
 
 THE secret musings of thy Father Solomon, 
 found in his diary, concealed in the pocket 
 of his smoking jacket and privily copied by 
 thy Mother. 
 
 Read now his libellous words, my Daughter, and 
 ponder thereon; for he hath known much girl: 
 
 "Verily, verily, in all the world, there be but two 
 things which have power to disconcert me. 
 
 "A Meerschaum Pipe is one of these. 
 'The other is a woman. 
 
 "And, so like is the first unto the second, that I 
 doubt not the former is but a reincarnation of the 
 latter. 
 
 "Lo, I have colored upward of twenty meerschaums, 
 and have made love unto upward of seven hundred 
 damsels. And I say unto thee, not one of them hath 
 been worth the struggle nor repaid the toil and 
 travail. 
 
 5 A 112 
 
 I Orchestra
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SIRENS 
 
 A112! 
 
 OrcWtr*. I 
 
 "Behold, how he wooeth a woman at great expense. 
 
 "How joyfully he flingeth away his shekels that they 
 may be covered with silver and fine gold! 
 
 "How tenderly he encaseth them in velvet! 
 
 "With what care and delicacy he wasteth his golden 
 hours in the coloring of his pipe ! 
 
 "With what pains and ingenuity he wasteth golden 
 years in winning the heart of a woman ! 
 
 "How lovingly he burneth tobacco for the one! 
 How patiently he burneth incense before the other ! 
 
 "Yet, lo, a sudden coldness and the pipe hath 
 snapped! A sudden chilliness and the woman's 
 love is shattered ! 
 
 "Or let the fire within the meerschaum's bowl wax 
 too hot, or the ardor of his devotion unto the woman 
 wax too intense and behold the pipe is ruined and 
 the woman is spoiled forever ! 
 
 "And it is all ap with him ! 
 
 A 112 
 
 I Orchestra 
 
 which having once
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SIRENS 
 
 \ A 112 
 
 Orchestra. I 
 
 no longer be pursued.' But I say unto thee, thy pur- 
 suing is never finished ; thy task is never done ! 
 
 "For, seven times seven weeks, mayest thou devote 
 thyself unto a meerschaum, and seven times seven 
 months, unto a damsel! 
 
 Orchestra. 
 
 "Yet if thou layest them aside, and thinkest to cease 
 from thy devotions for but a little while, lo, the pipe 
 hath faded and the woman hath forgotten thee. 
 
 "Verily, verily, there is no rest for a peaceful man ! 
 For, life with a pipe, or a woman, is all toil and 
 travail and vexation. 
 
 "Yet life without them is all weariness and desola- 
 tion!"
 
 VERILY, VERILY, EVEN 
 THY FATHER SOLOMON, 
 
 A 112 | | 5 A 112 
 
 Orctwst 
 
 HjHIMSELF, HAD NOT 
 MORE THAN ENOUGH 
 WIVES. FOR EVERY 
 MAN REQUIRETH AT 
 LEAST TWO SOUL- 
 MATES. ONE TO AMUSE 
 HIM-AND ONE TO WAIT 
 UPON HIM 
 
 Orchestra.
 
 Orchestra. 
 
 BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 
 MY Daughter, hearken unto my words, and 
 attend diligently to my counsel; for the 
 understanding of Man is the beginning of 
 a good income, and a knowledge of his ways more 
 profitable than a higher education. 
 
 Behold, a woman delighteth to travel the path of 
 love slowly and through devious by-ways of flirta- 
 tion and sentiment, but a man rusheth over it at the 
 speed limit. 
 
 Unto a woman, the first kiss is but the start in the 
 love chase, but unto a man it is ofttimes the finish. 
 
 Lo, when a woman weddeth a man, it is in order that 
 she may get him; but when a man weddeth a 
 woman, it is in order that he may prevent another 
 from getting her. 
 
 Yea, verily, when a woman clingeth unto single 
 blessedness, it is because she hath met no man with 
 whom she could endure to live; but, when a man 
 remaineth a bachelor, it is because he hath met no 
 woman without whom he cannot live. 
 
 [931
 
 Or<* 
 
 BOOK OF ADMONITI 
 
 A man weddeth a woman in order to escape loneli- 
 ness, and immediately thereafter joineth a club in 
 order to escape the woman. 
 
 Ke marryeth a damsel because she appealeth to his 
 "higher nature", and spendeth all the rest of his 
 days seeking after those who appeal to his lower 
 nature. 
 
 A woman is cast down with doubts lest a man doth 
 not love her ; but a man never troubleth his soul, as 
 to whether or not a woman loveth him, but as to 
 whether or not he wanteth her to love him. 
 
 Behold, an honest woman may cheat at cards, but 
 never at love; but he considereth himself an "hon- 
 orable man" that never cheateth at a game of poker 
 though he never playeth fair at the game of hearts. 
 
 Go to ! Think no man in love while he flattereth 
 thee and extolleth all thy ways; but, when he be- 
 ginneth to moralize and to criticise thy hats, then 
 mayest thou plan thy trousseau. 
 
 When he saveth thy life it may be for chivalry's 
 sake; but when he carryeth an umbrella to please 
 thee it is for love's sake. 
 
 [94]
 
 
 BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 
 
 Be not set up when a man giveth thee the key to 
 his heart, for, peradventure, upon the following day, 
 he may change the lock! 
 
 ' A 112! ^en, how shall a woman understand a man, since , 
 
 <Lh*trJ they are *# cut upon the bias I 
 
 Verily, verily, by turning him around, my Daughter, 
 and reading him badtoard, even as a Chinese laun- 
 dry ticket! 
 
 [95] 

 
 OF ADMONITI 
 
 CHAPTER TWO 
 
 OW long, oh, ye Easy Ones, shall men con- 
 tinue to call ye "kitten" when they are senti- 
 mental and "ca/"when they wax cynical? 
 
 Verily, verily, I say unto thee, the ways of a man 
 are the ways of Grimalkin; for doth not a cat, and 
 likewise a man, prize his dignity above all things 
 else in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or 
 in the subways under the earth? 
 
 Moreover, doth not a cat, and likewise a man, seek 
 out all the soft places upon the face of the earth, and 
 all the most comfortable spots within the house, and 
 all the easy chairs of the office? 
 
 Yea, doth not a man, even as a cat, wander abroad 
 at night and return only at mealtimes? 
 
 Doth not a cat, and also a man, cling unto the 
 woman that maketh him most comfortable and 
 stroketh him the right way, but revile and despise 
 her that disturbeth his meditations and arouseth him 
 from his slumbers? 
 
 [96]
 
 A 112 
 
 Orchestra I 
 
 BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 
 
 Doth not a cat flee in terror from one that flingeth 
 cold water upon his coat, and a man from her that 
 flingeth cold water upon his vanity? 
 
 Doth not a man, like unto a cat, struggle to escape 
 when he is held tightly, yet remain cheerfully where 
 he is not wanted? 
 
 Doth not a cat, and likewise a man, flee fearfully 
 from that which is flung at his head whether it be 
 a bone, or a plate, or a woman ? 
 
 And, being "dropped," doth not a cat and likewise 
 a man, land always upon his feet and depart in 
 search of consolation? 
 
 Lo, if thou pursuest a cat and a man with thine 
 endearments will they not shrink from thee, with 
 vexation ? 
 
 But, if thou ignorest them, will they not sit de- 
 votedly at thy feet? 
 
 A 112 
 
 Go to ! I say unto thee a <woma.n is not as a tabby, 
 but as a Faithful Fido which cannot be shaken off.
 
 OF ADMONITIONS 
 
 She followeth a man whithersoever he goeth, accept- 
 ing gladly a pat upon the head and a kind word, and 
 lying down at his feet to be stepped on. 
 
 Verily, verily, why doth a spinster console herself 
 
 :neir i ... 
 
 ~f?\ with a cat in her loneliness? 
 
 Even because this is the only thing which can be 
 found to resemble a man I
 
 BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 
 
 CHAPTER THREE 
 
 LO, while a man courteth a maiden he saith 
 unto her : 
 
 "Beloved, / adore the waves and frivols of 
 thy hair! The neatness of thy waistline is my de- 
 light ; and what is that subtile sachet which maketh 
 thee to remind me always of the rose of morning?" 
 
 But in his heart he saith : 
 
 "Yet, when we are married, then shall I teach her 
 not to wear false ringlets, and the imported com- 
 plexion which she now putteth on shall she abjure. 
 
 "Verily from the using of that awful scent shall I 
 break her, and from the wearing of corsets shall I 
 rescue her ! For we shall then be one, and I shall be 
 that one I" 
 
 And while a damsel seeketh to allure a man she 
 saith unto him: 
 
 "Thou art so sensible. Yea, I pray thee, continue to 
 ,wear a comfortable collar always; for why shalt 
 thou suffer for style's sake? Lo, thy beard and thy 
 mustache, they are so characteristic; and in a soft 
 hat thou hast real personality I" 
 
 A 112 
 
 [Orchestra.
 
 BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 
 
 But in her heart she muttereth : 
 "Go to! When I have him safe, then shall I entice 
 him to put on a high collar, even unto four inches; 
 and the shaving of his face will require but two 
 weeks ! Yea, and that quaint top-piece shall he ex- 
 change for a derby within the first month. For I 
 know/a5/ what he needeth!" 
 
 Verily, verily, even in the hour of their courtship, do 
 they prepare for war! 
 
 Even while she poureth his wine, doth she deter- 
 mine that he shall become a teetotaler ! Even while 
 he passeth her the sweetmeats doth he plan to put 
 her on a diet, 'ere she acquire embonpoint. 
 As enemies before the battle, do they exchange 
 civilities, saying "How congenial we are!" 
 For every woman thinketh to make a man over after 
 a pattern, and every man thinketh to remodel a 
 woman according to a stock ideal. 
 Yea, after the honeymoon each seeketh to trim the 
 other down and to add all the modern improvements. 
 Then give them the fruit of their labors, which is a 
 mutual shock ! 
 
 A 112 
 
 I Orchestra
 
 BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 
 
 CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 M 
 
 Y Daughter, she that heedeth my instruc- 
 tions shall find a man easier to play upon 
 than a pianola. 
 
 5 A nz 
 
 I Orchestra 
 
 Behold, she hath but to press the right key, and he 
 shall repeat all his repertoire, even unto the confes- 
 sion of his sins. 
 
 Yea, verily, a man rejoiceth in confessions; and 
 nothing delighteth his soul so much as to repent. 
 For, then can he return unto his follies with a clear 
 conscience and renewed enthusiasm. 
 
 Go to ! Who is so virtuous as an husband that hath 
 but fust received a cold bath and his wife's forgive- 
 ness? 
 
 Lo, he goeth forth feeling like unto an uncrowned 
 saint. 
 
 He is puffed up with righteousness. 
 
 Yet, before the night cometh, peradventure, he shall 
 again have wobbled from the straight and narrow
 
 5*=* 
 
 
 BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 
 
 How long, then, oh my Daughter, shalt thou en- 
 courage men to persecute thee with their "I'm so- 
 sorrys", and their "Never-agains"? For, verily, 
 verily, every man believeth that a woman's patience 
 is a thing of India rubber, which will stretch over a 
 multitude of backslidings. 
 
 Yea, he hath not a doubt that a broken promise may 
 be glued together with kisses, and a broken heart 
 mended with softsoap. 
 
 Confessions are but the soothing syrup wherewith 
 he stilleth his conscience. And his sins would lack 
 much joy if he had not the pleasure of "regretting" 
 them. 
 
 But I say unto thee, a woman's faith is like unto a 
 cobweb which cannot be patched up, once it hath 
 been shattered; and a woman's heart is not as a 
 rubber ball, which reboundeth after it hath been 
 cast down. 
 
 Nay, a bride sobbeth "Harold, tell me a.111 " 
 But after ten years, a wife saith, "Do whatsoever 
 thou pleasest, but come not unto me with thy tale 
 of woe. Lo, I am aweary of holding onto Heaven 
 
 [102] 
 
 I A 112 
 
 I Orchestra.
 
 BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 
 
 with one hand and onto thee with the other. There- 
 fore go thy ways and let me sleep I" 
 
 Verily, verily, in time, doth a man's penitence palt f 
 A 112 1 , , . , . , . 5 A HZ 
 
 upon a woman; and his kiss of remorse is more to 
 be dreaded than his sins. 
 
 For, once love hath cooled, it may be warmed-over, 
 yet it is flat and tasteless, even as a Monday lunch- 
 eon. 
 
 [103] 
 
 ~~-~~^r n
 
 
 BOOK OF 
 
 CHAPTER FIVE 
 
 ADMONITIONS 
 
 Y Daughter, observe my counsel, for the 
 heart of a man is like unto a Broadway 
 car, in which there is always room for 1 1 A 112 
 one more. 
 
 Behold, in matters of love, a woman is a specialist, 
 but a man is a general practitioner. Yea, a woman 
 loveth but one type even one man but a man lov- 
 eth anything which happeneth to be at hand. 
 
 Lo, he that weddeth a brunette shall ever after seek 
 peroxide blondes; and he that marryeth a pink and 
 yellow doll shall acquire a sudden interest in intel- 
 lect and brunettes. For variety is the spice of love. 
 
 Moreover, a woman is an epicure in love, but a man 
 is a gourmand. 
 
 In the love-feast, a woman desireth but one course 
 at a time ; but a man relisheth them all served at 
 once, like unto a dinner at a country inn. 
 
 Yea, he mixeth his flirtations, even as he mixeth his 
 libations, and wondereth sadly why he awakeneth 
 always with an headache.
 
 ADMONITIONS 
 
 Orche*fr 
 
 Verily, verily, even thy Father, Solomon, had not 
 more than enough wives. For every man requireth 
 at least two soul-mates. 
 
 One for Sundays and one for week days. 
 
 One to amuse him and one to wait upon him. 
 
 One to save his soul and one to save his pennies. 
 
 One to help him make a fortune and one to help 
 him spend it. 
 
 One for his lighter side and one for his darker side. 
 
 One for company, one for comfort, one for inspira- 
 tion, one for pastime and many others, for 
 a. change. 
 
 SELAH. 
 
 i A 112
 
 LO, MY BELOVED, THY 
 
 HAIR IS AS STUBBLE; 
 
 AND IN THE MORNING 
 
 IT STANDETH ALOFT 
 AS A SHORN WHEAT 
 FIELD. HOW FASCI- 
 NATING ART THOU IN 
 PAJAMAS, WHEN THY 
 FACE IS COVERED WITH 
 SHAVING LATHER!
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 A 112 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 
 THE Song of a Wife, which is Mrs. Solomon's. 
 Let him praise me with the words of his 
 
 mouth ; for his flattery is sweeter than wine f 
 
 ! and his kisses are rarer than orchids. 
 
 |Orcti**tr. 
 
 Lo, my Beloved, thy hair is as stubble, and in the 
 morning it standeth aloft, as a shorn wheat field. 
 
 Thy cheek is as a Turkish towel, which caresseth 
 mine. 
 
 Thy temples are a shining light, which resembleth a 
 silver polish advertisement. 
 
 Thou wearest a derby hat. Thy breath is sweet 
 with cloves. 
 
 How fascinating art thou in pajamas, when thy face 
 is covered with shaving lather! 
 
 How beautiful are thy feet 
 
 Behold, thou art a collection of habits. Yea, unto 
 these thou art more constant than the family cat. 
 
 [109]
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 Whatsoever thou hast done before, thai shalt thou 
 do forever and in the same way. 
 
 Thou kissest me once in the morning, once in the 
 a Ami cver " n g an( * twice upon Christmas Day. 
 
 Thou clingest unto thine old pipe as unto thy 
 reputation. Thou callest every woman by the same 
 pet name. 
 
 Orci**tr. 
 
 Lo, what would my Beloved be without his habits? 
 Even as a doggie's tail which hath lost its "wag"! 
 But thy heart, oh, my Beloved, is full of lightning 
 changes. Its capacity is inexhaustible. 
 
 The memory of yesterday's kiss is unto thee as the 
 memory of yesterday's dinner sweet, but not satis- 
 fying. 
 
 Yet, though thy heart changeth many times, I, thy 
 wife, am become one of thy habits! 
 
 Behold thou hast placed "Mrs." upon my name; 
 thou hast glorified me with a wedding ring ! 
 
 A 112 
 
 I Orchestra 
 
 Therefore, I am become 
 footstool.
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 I shall mend thy socks with rejoicing, and the re- 
 placing of thy buttons shall be my delight. 
 
 All the days of thy life, shall I clean thy safety razor 
 1112] and put the studs in thy shirts. 
 
 OrcKeitT*. | 
 
 Then, cast thine ashes over my dressing table and 
 strew my carpets with cigar stumps. 
 
 Let the awnings of mine house be burned and my 
 lace curtains consumed with fire. I shall not 
 murmur. 
 
 For I am my Beloved's and there is naught else like 
 unto him. 
 
 I A 112 
 
 I Orchestra.
 
 K 
 
 CHAPTER TWO 
 
 THE Song of Songs, which is the widow's. 
 When I was a rib, I spoke as a rib, and all 
 my ways were the ways of a rib. 
 Lo, I took man seriously, even as he took himself. 
 For him did I rush the breakfast and keep it wait- 
 ing. 
 
 O F 
 
 S O 
 
 Unto him did I offer up the palm and the morning 
 paper. All his opinions were right in mine eyes; 
 and because he said a thing, it was so. 
 
 He was the Lord of my Heart, and the Source of 
 mine Income. And in him I saw nothing funny; 
 for my sense of humor had not yet been awakened. 
 
 He looked at my hats and mocked them. Yet that 
 inverted salad bowl which he called a "derby" did 
 not arouse my mirth. He waxed satirical at the 
 number of my puffs, and my coiffure was a daily 
 target for his wit. Yet, though he cut all the hair 
 from off his head, and left it to grow upon his face, 
 I felt no merriment. 
 
 In his conceit, he made of me a human joke.
 
 TMff 
 
 <y&y === 
 
 =*= 
 
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 But now that I am become a widow, I see him as 
 he is. Therefore shall I arise and smite him in his 
 vanity. 
 
 Lo, what woman shall take men seriously, once she 
 hath been married unto one of these? For he, that 
 seemeth a thing of beauty and wisdom unto many 
 virgins, is but a child in the eyes of his wife. 
 
 She knoweth the source of his opinions; and the 
 padding of his shoulders is not hidden from her. 
 His grouches are always with her and his digestion 
 is her burden. 
 
 Go to! I have seen him at his mirror when he 
 worked upon the parting of his hair. He hath bor- 
 rowed my powder for his chin, and with my per- 
 fume hath he anointed himself. My nail-polish and 
 my eau de cologne, they were not safe from him. 
 
 I have flattered him and beheld his fall. I have said 
 unto him, "My love, thy judgment is above question 
 and thy common sense above praise !" 
 
 And he hath smiled, as one that sippeth a wine of a 
 
 5 A 112 
 
 Orchestr*.
 
 OK 
 
 O F 
 
 SON 
 
 I have cooed unto him saying : 
 
 "Lo, thy reasoning powers and thine acumen are 
 
 greater than those of Sherlock Holmes !" 
 
 And I have observed his secret joy. 
 
 I have cried out: 
 
 "Oh, why didst thou not go upon the stage? For 
 
 thy shoulders are better than Faversham's and thy 
 
 profile than E. H. Sothern's !" 
 
 And he hath straightway proposed/ 
 
 The youths of the land have I called "Mr. Smith", 
 
 and the octogenarians addressed as "Silly Boy". 
 
 The fat man have I called "graceful", and the 
 
 ourang-outang, "distinguished". 
 
 And all of these were overcome. 
 
 Their fairy tales have I outstripped with better fairy 
 
 tales, and their devices with more subtile devices. 
 
 Verily, verily, men are as toys in mine hand; and, 
 even as a child, do I delight to play with them. 
 Lo, she that fisheth for an husband, laboreth against 
 many odds, but she that fisheth for amusement 
 casteth her nets in pleasant waters, and they shall 
 return unto her heavy laden.
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 CHAPTER THREE 
 
 Ordwstr* 
 
 T 
 
 HE Litany of the Summer Girl, which she 
 chanteth continuously, morning and night. 
 Oh, Lord, deliver me from the deadliness of 
 
 the Summer Resort, and from all the deadly things 
 
 therein. 
 
 From the emptiness of moonlight evenings without 
 a Man, and the hollowness of life without a flirta- 
 tion, now preserve me. 
 
 From the sentimental grafter and the plaionic friend 
 oh spare me! 
 
 For, the one seeketh after cheap flirtations, and col- 
 lecteth kisses, as a woman doth trading stamps. 
 And the other is as a wet powder-rag which sticketh, 
 but availeth nothing. Verily, verily, a breakfast-food 
 without sugar and cream is not more insipid than 
 one of these. 
 
 From college youths, which are fresher than spring 
 asparagus and more tender than spring lamb, oh, 
 deliver me! 
 
 = A 112 
 
 I Orchestra
 
 . 
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 From old bachelors, which are staler than last year's 
 canned goods, and tougher than cold rarebits, oh, 
 preserve me ! 
 
 From the hotel "phonograph," which repeateth the 
 
 same old love-tunes night after night, year in and 
 year out, oh set me free! 
 
 From the impressionist that cometh down over Sun- 
 day, deliver me ! 
 
 For, when he hath loved me with all his heart, and 
 with all his mind, and with all his impudence, for an 
 whole week-end, he shall depart ; and the scorners 
 shall delight in their ha-has and the whisperers say, 
 "She was but a temporary distraction!" 
 
 From the summer widower, that seeketh to return 
 unto flirtation by a by-path, oh, hide me ! For lo, I 
 am not a consolation prize. Neither am I a grafter, 
 coveting other women's troubles. 
 
 From all gossip, and freckles, and tan, and sand-in- 
 the-shoes ; from the patronizing bride, and the youth 
 that playeth ragtime; from the bathing suit that 
 
 [1x6]
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SONG 
 
 shrinketh, and the nose that peeleth; from mos- 
 quitoes, and cows and red ants; from hen parties, 
 and springless straw rides, and manless dances, oh, 
 deliver me ! 
 
 Feed me with bon-bons and stay me with novels! 
 
 Lead me beside the full streams, where the fish are 
 plentiful and the fishing worthy of the fishermaiden ; 
 that I may, peradventure, find, one eligible, who 
 shall rescue me from the Land of Innocuous Desue- 
 tude, and usher me into the Kingdom of Matrimony ! 
 
 A 112 
 
 I Orchestra. 

 
 BOOK 
 
 CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 If) 
 
 A 112 
 
 I beseech 
 
 THE Song of The Debutante which the Wise 
 Virgin chanteth in her heart: 
 Oh, Providence in thy mercy, 
 Thee, grant me these three: 
 
 A level head, a soft tongue, and a sense of humor! 
 And the greatest of these is a sense of humor. 
 
 Lo, I do not ask for wealth, neither for beauty, nor 
 for love ; for, having a level head, and a soft tongue, 
 all these things shall be added unto me. 
 
 I sigh not for the charms of an houri ; and curling 
 hair I shall not crave. Yea, though one husband be 
 all that is granted unto me in this day of Progressive 
 Matrimony, I shall not murmur. 
 
 Though my waist-line increaseth, year by year, and 
 my teeth depart one by one, I shall not be cast down. 
 For, a cheerful disposition shall sustain me, and the 
 smile that cometh not off shall keep me charming. 
 
 Though chorus girls marry above me; though I 
 never build mine own bungalow ; though my frocks 
 be made over, and my complexion made up, I shall 
 not repine. 
 
 [1x8] 
 
 I Orchestra.
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 For, behold, I shall not take myself seriously, neither 
 be filled with false illusions concerning men. 
 Lo, a woman that regardeth herself seriously is a 
 human joke; and a woman that dally eth with illu- 
 sions is as a babe that played with matches. She 
 burneth her own fingers. 
 
 Though my cooking be deadly, and my shoes "num- 
 ber fives" I shall not despair. For a sense of humor 
 shall cover me as a mackintosh, off which the 
 lemons, that fate casteth at me, shall roll as water. 
 Verily, verily, a woman without a sense of humor is 
 as one that goeth into New Jersey clad in lace hose. 
 She layeth herself bare to constant stings ; she suf- 
 fereth untold pangs. 
 
 Then grant me, I pray thee, this one panacea: 
 That I may laugh when men laugh> and the point of 
 their jokes shall not escape me. 
 That I may not tremble at their wrath; neither 
 wither under their sarcasm, nor repine at their 
 grouches. 
 
 And that, all the days of my youth, I shall dwell in 
 the enjoyment of life, repartee, and the pursuit of an 
 husband ! Amen. 
 
 [119]
 
 BOOK 
 
 CHAPTER FIVE 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 NCLINE thine ear, O, my Daughter! For this 
 is the Song of the Bride, which containeth all 
 the law and the "profits" of Matrimony. 
 
 I thank thee, O, my Beloved ; for thou hast chosen 
 me out of the multitude of women that were 
 after thee. 
 
 Thou hast delivered me from spinsterhood and led 
 me into the House of Bondage. 
 
 Thy brand is upon me ! 
 I am thy Chattel. 
 
 Thy wishes shall be my wishes, thy tastes my tastes, 
 and thy politics my politics. 
 
 I shall have no personal opinions before thine and 
 no other thought before thee. Only my tooth brush 
 shall remain of all mine individuality. 
 
 For lo, I have said in my heart, "Couldst thou love 
 this man in a shop-made suit and a polka dot tie? 
 Couldst thou love him though he lost his front hair? 
 Couldst thou love him without a collar?" 
 
 [120]
 
 JUT 
 
 BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 SONGS 
 
 5 A 
 
 Orcl.es 
 
 And my heart hath answered : 
 
 "Yea, verily ! For I am the apple of his eye, and he 
 is the source of mine income. Therefore are we truly 
 mated." 
 
 Then, whatsoever thou doest, my beloved, it shall be 
 right in my sight ; and whatsoever thou wearest thou 
 shalt seem beautiful in mine eyes. 
 Even in thy fishing clothes shall I adore thee ; and 
 if thou but concedest to change thy collar and carry 
 one glove when we go forth in public thou shalt ap- 
 pear sufficiently dressy unto me, 
 
 I shall take great care of thy digestion, and thy de- 
 votion will take care of itself. I shall not practise 
 my cooking upon thee. 
 
 I shall believe whatsoever thou tellest me, even when 
 I know it to be false. I shall listen unto thy fairy 
 tales with respect. 
 
 I shall delight in thine imagination and the works 
 
 thereof. 
 
 I shall endeavor to like thee ; for love passeth as the 
 
 whirlwind, but friendship is a rock which endureth 
 
 forever. 
 
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 I shall not laugh at thee, for I am sane. 
 When thou hookest my frocks crooked I shall not 
 murmur, but shall urge thee on with my cheers and 
 praises. I shall not hear thy mutterings. 
 I shall remember thy pipe, thy razor, and thy morn- 
 ing newspaper, to keep them holy. 
 Thy Desk shall be sacred from mine hands. Thou 
 shalt have one hook within the closet. 
 I shall be a mother unto thee ; yet shall I permit thee 
 to treat me as a babe, that thou mayest rest under 
 thy favorite delusion. Whosoever speaketh against 
 thee I shall rend her with my finger nails and my 
 sarcasm. 
 
 I shall learn to be happy without thee in order that 
 I may be happy with thee, when thou chancest to be 
 at home. 
 
 Thou shalt go thy ways untroubled ; for I shall not 
 be thy jailer but thy jollier. 
 
 Verily, verily, I shall be all things unto thee ; even 
 a wife, an angel, a kitten, a cook, a chum, and a 
 siren. 
 Yea, I shall be thine whole harem I 
 
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 Return this material to the library 
 
 from which it was borrowed. 
 
 APR 131998
 
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